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Bill turned to Jerry and said , " Where did that armadillo come from ? " Jerry replied , " That 's not an armadillo . It looks more like an armored dildo . " His response was unsatisfactory on so many levels . But then , Jerry was known for not being very satisfactory . On many levels . Bill stood there , watching the armored critter scurry across the shimmering pavement , and it suddenly dawned on him that he 'd made a terrible mistake . Jerry had convinced him to go on the road trip , using that last fight Bill had with Teresa as the ultimate goad . And now , she was desperately searching for him in order eliminate him from her life for good ! How could I have been so dumb ? Bill thought to himself , thinking back to the scene a few days earlier . I want my two dollars ! " Teresa shouted over the thunder . Bill stood there , with a hurt look on his face . He 'd laughed once when she said things like that . Now he couldn 't even manage a smile . Their relationship had always been . . . exciting and somewhat contentious , but for many years he had always enjoyed the friction - and the making up . " Well ? What do you have to say ? " she asked . " The drawing was a few minutes ago . If you 'll switch the TV over to the news , they 'll be showing the numbers . I may have already won ? " he responded , his voice growing desperate as her face grew darker with what appeared to be true anger . She considered a few possible responses , and then realized she had to leave before the rain began in earnest . " I just can 't take it any more , Bill . We 're broker than broke , and you 're buying lottery tickets . I 'll be . . . I don 't know . I just know I have to get out of here . " Teresa grabbed her keys and left , slamming the kitchen door behind her , which caused - as always - the lower cabinet door to swing open , and the mutated cockroaches which had taken up residence there were suddenly bathed in the bright light of the kitchen . It became quite clear that the cockroaches - like Bill - had no other place to go . It was at that moment that Jerry showed up , and started talking about a road trip to Posted by It was a dark night in the city in the mountains . I had been hitting the bottle pretty hard at the Five Spot , my favorite watering hole . I dragged my bleary eyes up towards the clock behind the bar . At first , the clock on the wall read half passed [ sic ] a monkey 's ass , a quarter ' til his balls , but after I rubbed my eyes , I realized that I was still mildly drunk and the clock really read 1 : 17a . m . Okay , I was more than mildly drunk . I was well on my way to being plastered . . . or beyond . Ellen asked me if I wanted her to call me a cab , but I told her the walk back to the office would be good for me - and that I was a private investigator , not a mode of transportation . As I stood there , wobbling slightly due to the alcohol and waiting in vain for her to laugh at my joke , I noticed it was silent outside . The rumble had subsided and I went outside at last . I turned right to head down the street toward my office and the rumpled sofa I called my bed , and there she was . Tall and slim , with her long , curly red hair plastered to her head from the rain , she was wearing a white raincoat that looked like the repellent had worn out long ago . She was barefoot , and carrying one high - heeled shoe in her porcelain - skinned , long - fingered hand . " Excuse me , sir , " she said in a throaty voice that would warm an Iditarod racer who had been on the go all day in a blizzard . Do you know the famous detective , Guy Noir ? The doorman at his building said he hangs out in the bar you just left . " " Wow , " she said . " That 's some kind of coincidence . " " I 'm in no position to believe in coincidence . " She grabbed hold of me as another bolt of lightning struck nearby , wrapping her slim arms around my neck and holding on tight . I could feel her heart beating against my chest as she sobbed quietly . She looked at me sheepishly as she released me and said , " I 'm sorry , Mr . Noir . I 'm a bit afraid of thunderstorms . I didn 't hurt you , did I ? " A part of me hoped another lightning bolt would cause her to grab hold of me again , as it had been some time since a beautiful woman had been that close to me , but we made it to the Acme Building without any of them . We went up the elevator to my floor and into my office . I went into my bathroom to get her a towel so she could dry her hair and face , and when I came back out I stood stunned for a moment . I handed her the towel and went to the closet to get her one of my spare shirts . " Here , " I said , handing her the shirt , " you can go into the bathroom and put this on . We can hang your blouse over the radiator to dry . " Her pale face turned red as she looked down at her blouse that was stuck to her like a second skin . " Thank you . I 'm not leaving much to the imagination right now , am I ? " When she came out of the bathroom and laid her blouse and skirt on the top of the radiator , she told me why she had been looking for me . Her name was Arianne Campbell . She owned a small bake shop and cafe on the other side of town , and was having problems with the lawyer 's office next door . There were all sorts of loud and strange noises coming from over there all day long , and it was scaring her patrons off . While she told her story , I stood at the window watching the rain fall . I had heard of the shop she owned . It was one of those sketchy places , but the food was great . I had never been there myself , as I was the type that preferred street vendor hot dogs to gluten - free carob chip muffins . When she fell silent , I turned to tell her my standard rates and saw that she had fallen asleep on the sofa . I sighed , pulled my tattered blanket over her , and sat down at my desk . I put my feet up on the desk and settled back to nap a bit myself , somewhat glad that we didn 't negotiate my fee while I was drunk . That had never worked out well for me in the past . . . . The sound of the garbage truck backing into the alley outside my window woke me . The sun was low on the eastern horizon and just beginning to send its golden rays into my office . I looked over at the sofa and wasn 't surprised to see it empty . I brewed a pot of coffee and washed my face , then decided , since my appointment wasn 't for another two hours , to head over to her place - make sure she was okay and to return her clothes that she had left on the now cold radiator . As the cab pulled up to her address , I could see her standing on the sidewalk in front of her shop . She sighed as she watched the hand - painted sign flapping loosely above her little bakery : ' Pie Dough and Trends ' . Once , it had been the favorite haunt of the " in " crowd . Now , she was in jeopardy of losing it . She flashed a brilliant smile at me and said " I hope I didn 't wake you when I left . I needed to get over here and open up . . . in case anyone shows up wanting food , that is . " Her large blue eyes began welling with tears as she turned and unlocked the front door of the shop . " Let me repay your generosity from last night by fixing you some breakfast . " " Oh , thank you , Mr . Noir ! " she cried , hugging me tightly . I gave her a brief hug in return and then stepped through the door and into the law office . I was not prepared for the sight that greeted me . " The Fucking Bees ! Oh , Jesus God . Mother - kripes - fucker ! What the poop ! " he screamed at the picture . The picture on the wall just stared back at him . Never saying anything . He noticed me then and spun around shouting something that sounded like . . . . Mommadaddy smelled like trees . Burnt trees on a sultry Sunday morning . But I couldn 't understand him because there was a disgusting fluid bubbling out of his mouth as he tried to speak . He lurched toward me and , before I could completely react , puked on me . My hand was covered in sticky , putrid goo , and there wasn 't a sink to be found . He grabbed a coffee mug off the desk and swatted at the air around his head . He then turned his crazed gaze on me again and held the mug out in front of me like a gun . " I 'm from Samoa ! ! ! " he gibbered . " The Devil not only made me do it , but he changed the mug from a . 357 Magnum into what you now see . " His eyes suddenly rolled back in his head , and I thought he was going to pass out . Then he looked at me and said - in a calm voice , " Good morning , sir . May I help you ? Let 's go next door and get a bagel , okay ? " The door burst open and the Samoan stood there , drool dribbling from his chin and the crazed look back in his eyes . The so - called " luxury soap " left a nasty rash that crept up his forearms as he slowly advanced toward us , wielding a large sliver of broken mirror . Arianne screamed as he stabbed at me , and . . . . . " Hi , Teresa , it 's Lynne , " came the response . " I 've got good news for you . We 've decided to push up the release date of your book to next week . " " I thought you 'd be happy , " Lynne replied . " But I need you to be in New York this afternoon . We 've booked you on Regis & Kelly to talk about it . There 's a ticket waiting at the airport for you . Oh , and make sure you pack a green outfit . " Why was green so very important ? She had no idea . But that really wasn 't a concern right now . " Ummm , I 'm not at home . I 'm on I - 40 between Flagstaff and Kingman , on my way to Vegas . " She hesitated , not wanting to say why she was on her way to Vegas . Somehow , she didn 't think that telling her editor that she was on her way to kill her ex would be a career plus . " Vegas ? Okay , . . . we can get you a ticket on the red - eye into New York , and I 'll get someone to pick up an outfit for you . " Lynne said . " Postpone your gambling and head to the airport . I 'll have a driver waiting at Newark , to take you to your hotel . See you in the morning ! " . . . and she hung up . Bill awoke from a deep sleep and looked around the room . Luckily , Jerry was not there . Breathing a sigh of relief , Bill let go of the closed umbrella he had been clutching when he finally drifted off to sleep , got up from the bed , and headed for the bathroom . Bill wasn 't sure what had been going on with Jerry the night before . He 'd been perfectly content to let the laundry pile up in the corner . That is , until the pile started talking to him . Bill suspected it had something to do with the 300 pound Samoan he had seen talking to Jerry in the casino earlier . Something wasn 't quite right about the guy - flailing his arms about like he was swatting at giant flies and all that . Teresa finished off her fourth cup of coffee since awakening , confused , in her hotel room . She really needed to pee , but had been cornered by Regis , who was telling stories of his childhood , and Kelly - who was being very . . . Kelly . As Regis finished a story about how his mom did his nail polish the first time he cross - dressed , Teresa looked around desperately , hoping to catch Lynne 's attention . Unfortunately , Lynne had left the room with one of the other guests , to do what Teresa didn 't know . As Regis paused in his torrent of tales of his youth , Kelly piped up with a series of questions . When the host asked how A Wizard of Earthsea was different than Harry Potter , she sat stunned for a moment and then realized , she was in the presence of stupid people with no knowledge of classical fantasy . Teresa stood up abruptly and she cried , " No more , no more " and ran out of the room . She ran down the hall and out to the street , where she stood stunned . It was raining , but it wasn 't water falling from the sky . She started shaking her head in denial as she stared at the scene in front of her . It had been years since she had seen that many frogs in one place . . . . Bill hurried down the hall of the luxury hotel , buttoning his shirt with one hand , and trying not to drop his shoes as he rushed for the elevator . Something was very wrong . He jabbed at the " G " repeatedly , hoping - as people in a hurry always do - that it would somehow speed up the process of the elevator doors closing and the car getting to its destination . As the heat of a Las Vegas day hit him , he skidded to a halt , confused . There were no taxis or shuttle buses under the canopy . There was no valet , waiting for the next guest to arrive . There were no people visible anywhere . It was just too damn quiet outside . . . . He looked up from the unfinished manuscript and around the nearly empty room . This was just one of many partial stories that Arianne had left behind when she abruptly closed her bakery and left town , and he had finally gotten around to putting them into storage . He couldn 't bring himself to throw them away , hoping that she would someday return . Guy sighed again as he looked around the large apartment that Arianne and he had called home for the short time they were together . The bells in the cathedral tolled 8 , but it was only 3 : 45 as he reached over to get another box into which to put the stories and the other remainders of their relationship , and noticed that the boxes , once seemingly an endless pile , had suddenly run out . There was no container for the most precious of their belongings . It was a slow week in the city in the mountains . I was still hoping to hear from Arianne , but was beginning to think that it would never happen . I had several of my PI compatriots all over the country looking out for any info about her , but all I could do was wait . . . and empty yet another bottle of gin as I sat at my desk brooding . " Oh . I . . . didn 't notice . " She sat for a minute , silently smoking her cigarette . I was just about to ask if she needed my services when she spoke up . " I 'm sorry , I shouldn 't have come here . Forgive me for bothering you . " I could see the hesitation on her face as she stood there considering her next move . Finally she sat back down . " Davis . Eloise Davis . I work in the research labs over at the university , and we have a . . . situation going on . I was hoping you 'd be able to help out . " " As I said , I work in the university labs . I specialize in AI - that 's artificial intelligence . For the last three years my team has been working on designing intelligent home appliances . Not mindless robots that follow pre - programmed instructions like a Roomba , but ones that will actually foresee and take care of all housekeeping needs . These days , with two - or even three - income households being the norm , people just don 't have the time and energy to maintain a spotless home . " Anyway , two months ago , we got a grant from a new patron . It was a very large grant , but it came with a couple of provisos - one of which was the addition of a new researcher , Dr . Gary Smedlin . That 's when the trouble started . " She paused for a moment , then asked " May I use your restroom ? " " Help yourself , " I said , gesturing to the door . I waited while she . . . took care of business , and when she came back out I said , " I 'm not sure how I can help . The only knowledge I have of computers is the PIN number for my ATM card . " This wasn 't exactly true , as I had both a MySpace page and accounts at several online poker sites , but that wasn 't important now . " Oh , it 's not the science that I want to to look at , " she replied as she looked in the full - length mirror on the wall next to the bathroom door . " I want you to check out Dr . Smedlin . There 's something . . . creepy about him . " She was checking her stockings in the mirror when the phone rang . " Noir , " I said , speaking into the phone . It was my landlord , reminding me that the rent had been due the week before . I sighed and said , " Yeah , I 've got a case I 'm looking into right now . I 'll have the money for you by the end of the week , " and hung up the phone . " Looks like you 've hired yourself a private eye , Miss Davis . " She gave me directions to her lab , and Smedlin 's address , and I told her I 'd be by later that day . After she left I went down to the Five Spot for a cup of Jimmy 's famous coffee , to help clear my head . Jimmy set the cup of steaming hot java in front of me and said , " Gee , Guy , you look like you 've been run over . What gives ? " " Just keep the pot handy , Jimmy . I 'm not in the mood to talk , " I answered . I grabbed the powdered creamer container to add to my cup , but when I turned it up nothing came out . Peeking in the opening in the top , I saw that it was empty . Jimmy got me a fresh container , and I proceeded to drink three cups of the strong brew before I felt up to hailing a cab for the trip across town to the university . Forty - five minutes later I walked up to the door of the lab where Davis - and Smedlin - worked . As I reached up to knock , I heard a scream , and then laughter , from inside . A quick check confirmed that my Special was in its shoulder holster , and I opened the door to see what was going on . Eloise stood in one corner of the large room , a large shop - vac vacuum cleaner spinning around wildly , spewing water near her . Over by a bank of computers stood the laughing man - it must have been Smedlin . There was a look of mania in his eyes as he laughed , and I shivered a bit at the sight of it . When Smedlin saw me , he stopped laughing and ran over to the shop - vac , yelling imprecations at the appliance and flipping a switch on the side of an odd - looking box mounted to the side of the vac . " Who is this , Davis ? Some knight in , " he looked at my rumpled clothing , " dingy armor , come to ' save ' you ? " Smedlin cackled as he returned to his side of the research lab . I fixed Smedlin with a gimlet eye , and said , " Soggy socks will never stop her . " Adventures require fortitude , and we were going to experience much worse than wet feet . But I didn 't yet know that . " Who the hell are you , and why are you here ? " Smedlin yelled , flipping a switch on the side of an iron , which started working on a pair of slacks lying on an ironing board . The shop - vac saw this , moved over to the ironing board and latched on to the dangling pant leg . Before I could answer the question , the iron attacked the shop - vac and Smedlin reached for the off switches on the two appliances . The iron dodged his attempt and leaped across the ironing board and onto the adjacent counter top . The shop - vac tried to get away from the scientist , to no avail . Smedlin straightened from flipping the switch , thinking all was under control again , but then the iron got involved and it was asymmetrical warfare all over again . The iron managed to reactivate the shop - vac , which in turn powered up a weed trimmer and a chainsaw , and . . . the results weren 't pretty . When the fury in the middle of the room subsided , there wasn 't much of Smedlin left in one piece - but the bits lying about weren 't human , they were machine parts . After making sure that the rogue appliances weren 't going to attack Eloise or myself , I reached down and picked up the head of the " scientist " , which was trailing hundreds of wires which had been attached to various other bits . The back of the head popped open , and inside was a small jar . The jar contained a thick black sludge that looked as if it might be a new , or alien , life form . It had several wires of different gauge running from it to clusters of relays inside the head . Looking more closely at the jar , I discovered that there was a dead cockroach inside it . " Excuse me , are you Guy Noir ? " a soft voice behind me asked . I turned and saw her . The bar lights showed the highlights in her dark brown hair to perfection . She was wearing a short sleeve shirt so tight that it could stop traffic , and jeans that fit like a glove . Another voice drew my attention " Ah , I see you found him . " It was Dirk Easley , one of my fellow private eyes . We had worked together on a couple of cases , but his style was very different from mine . While I was a details man , Dirk tended to look at the whole picture . " Oh , forgive me for not introducing myself , Mr . Noir . I 'm Emma Black . " She paused as Jimmy set my drink in front of me , then said , " That looks good . May I have the same ? " She flashed a brilliant smile and replied , " Call me Emma . My cousin , Eloise , told me that you might be able to help me . You helped her out a while back , remember ? " " She says it 's going well , and asked me to express her thanks to you . " She took a deep breath and continued , " I have a similarly . . . odd problem . I 'm an Antarctic Ornithologist - I study petrels , skua and penguins in particular . Mmm , this drink is fantastic , " she said to Jimmy , who blushed at the compliment - but then , Jimmy was famous for blushing when a pretty woman so much as walked by . Jimmy was . . . inexperienced . " Yes . Thank you , Guy . I 'll see you in the morning . " She finished her drink , smiled at Jimmy - which set him to blushing all over again - and left . The next morning , I caught a cab to her address , and knocked on her door promptly at 10 . She invited me in , and led me to her home office . As I looked around the office - typically , for a scientist , it was cluttered floor to ceiling - I noticed that Emma looked harried . She was dressed in sweatpants and a black ribbed tank top and , after gesturing me to a chair , sat slumped behind her desk . I waited patiently , since I had nothing else to do anyway , and she finally sighed and looked over at me . She smiled briefly and said , " I 'm sorry , Guy . I was trying to figure the best way to explain what 's going on . " As I told you last night , I 'm an Antarctic ornithologist . As such , I spend a lot of time in the field down at the bottom of the world . And , as you might imagine , there aren 't a lot of people who specialize in my field . So , I spend most of my field time either alone , or with one or two graduate research assistants . " On my most recent trip down there , I set up camp near a colony of Macaroni Penguins , to study mating habits . I was there alone for the first five weeks - my one assistant for the season would arrive then . " She stood , and began moving around the room while she talked , straightening piles of books and papers , and moving things from one place to another , seemingly at random . " The first few days , I was busy setting up camp and acclimating the colony to my presence . Then it was time to get down to serious business . I easily determined the leader of the colony , and concentrated on him . My only outward expression was to raise an eyebrow , but she obviously ( and reasonably ) knew that I was quite surprised - and a bit unnerved - by this statement , and she continued quickly . " Before you get up and walk out , please watch this . " She pressed play on the DVD player sitting on a TV in the corner , and , for the next ten minutes I stared raptly at the screen as she and a penguin had a long conversation . When the DVD stopped , she continued with her story . " As you can see , he was quite interested in human civilization , and what we 're doing to the planet . I wondered if maybe I was going crazy , and waited anxiously for my assistant to arrive . In the meantime , though , I began - at his request - teaching him to read . There was a rock outcropping nearby , and I used the natural slate as a chalk board for our lessons . " As I stared into the verdant depths of her eyes , I realized It was time . Time to escape the boredom , the mundane , the beloved and redundant familiar . I could use some time away from everything , and you can 't really do that better than being in Antarctica . As soon as the aircraft disappeared in the distance , Clarence came over and started following Emma around as we set up camp - glancing often at me , and making no noise whatsoever . And so it went for the next five days . I was reassured to find out that she hadn 't faked the video , because , just like the previous time , when it was just Emma and Clarence , he would talk to her , and she would record the conversations . It was only when I was around that he was silent . I woke to the sounds of an argument . I couldn 't make out all the words , but it was evident that Clarence wanted Emma to do something she didn 't want to do . I lay in my tent , listening quietly , and when the voices stopped , I raised up to look out the flap . " He . . . wants me to . . . join him . Join with him , I mean . I think . . . I don 't know what to think . " She pulled her pack out of her tent and got the bottles of Bailey 's and Godiva Chocolate Liqueur that we had brought with us , along with some powdered milk . She went off to tell him her decision and requirements , and returned with several fish . " Clarence says that it 's part of the ritual . I 'm to eat all of these before he comes to take me to the actual ceremony . " She lit the cookstove while I cleaned the fish , and then gave them to her to cook . She sat down to eat them , and was almost done when she turned pale . The chocolate and halibut suddenly disagreed in her stomach and she ran for the outhouse . I scooped up the fish , quickly cleaned it , and put it in the skillet with the leftover halibut . When it was done , I dumped all the food onto a plate and returned to the waiting group . The attendant penguins began a muffled , braying chant as they led the party over to the edge of the open water . Waiting there was the rest of the colony , including an ancient one that I immediately identified as a priest or shaman penguin . I set up the digital recorder on a tripod , as I was now part of the ' wedding party ' , and the ceremony began . When the shaman gestured to me , I held out the plate for Emma to take some of the cooked fish . I could tell that she was having a hard time not giggling , as she was still a bit drunk from the Irish Ladies , but she was able to maintain her composure as the ceremony reached what I assumed was its conclusion . A shimmering began , and quickly enveloped Emma 's body . It grew in intensity until I was nearly blinded , but I realized that her body was changing shape . Emma looked over at me , horror in her eyes , because suddenly she realized that she had ingested the wrong fish . It was the sacrament of the herring , not the sacrament of the halibut , and obviously the Great Penguin was having His revenge upon her . She resolved to do double penance at the local Ice Cathedral at the next Celebration of the March of the Penguins . When the light faded , Emma was no longer human , but a Macaroni Penguin . Clarence waddled over to me and said , " We shall be stronger and more complete with her joining to our society . Do not worry , as she is happy now . " And with that , they all - including penguin - Emma - slipped into the water and swam away . When I arrived at the temporary camp , I attempted to question Mr . Noir to find out what had happened . Subject was completely unresponsive . As he started at the blank slate he realized he had nothing to say . " Why don 't those birds ever stop circling ! ? " , Bill said to Jerry . " Jerry ? You still with me , man ? " Bill craned his neck around as far as the bindings that had him staked to the desert floor allowed , trying to see his friend , who was staked out a couple dozen yards away . " Jerry ! " " Where the hell else would I be , " Jerry croaked . " I 'm staked to the ground just like you are ! Besides , it 's better for them to be circling than for them to land - cause then it 's lunchtime ! ! " he finished with a hoarse laugh . Bill sighed and went back to watching the buzzards circling . The hot sun had long since drawn all the sweat of him , and he could feel the dried , salty remains of the rivulets that hours before had run down the side of his face . And he thought he could feel his skin blistering in . . . well , places that didn 't normally get much exposure to the sun . He closed his eyes against the brightness of the sun as his mind drifted . Suddenly , he found himself standing in a grocery store , looking at the peanut butter displays . He reached for a jar and thought , Smooth or creamy ? The other shoppers would never comprehend just how much was riding on the decision . Wait . Smooth or creamy ? He looked down and realized he was holding a bottle of sunscreen . He looked around as he felt a tap on his shoulder and saw his old college flame , Linda , the redhead that had started his fascination with that hair color . I hadn 't talked to her in so long that I wasn 't sure any communication from me would be well received , he thought out loud in a film - noir non sequitur . " Oh , my God , Linda ! I haven 't seen you in forever ! " She was wearing purple lizard shorts and a sequined leotard , and had a marmoset on her shoulder . " Step right up , step right up ! ! Try your skill ! ! " A voice drew Bill 's attention , and he looked over to see Danny DeVito in a Ringmaster outfit , like in the movie Big Fish . " Hey , Linda , " DeVito whispered , " his winkie looks a bit burned . Maybe you should put somea that sunscreen on it . " Linda looked over at the Ringmaster and she couldn 't help but be envious of the idea . She opened the bottle and began applying the lotion eagerly and liberally . First ? How could he be first ? And if he was first was it fair to take the first shot at the drunken birds ? Bill thought as Linda 's ministrations began to both soothe and excite him . While he tried to make sense of these conflicting sensations , Jerry fired the rifle at the circling birds . " Oh , Bill . I 'm so sorry . Thank God I found you before it was too late ! " She knelt down and began untying the ropes that held Bill spread - eagle on the ground , and then handed him the canteen and moved over to Jerry . . . . . She seemed willing to do whatever he asked of her , and even offered things he 'd never felt comfortable asking for . Their days were full of travel from city to city and book signings - as her novel had made it to the top ten on the New York Times bestseller list - and their nights were filled with an animal passion unlike anything either had experienced before . They simply couldn 't get enough of each other . . . and neither one was complaining in the least . Another benefit of their new situation was that Teresa 's creative juices were flowing at above flood stage , sweeping Bill along as well . They began collaborating on a new book and the pages flew by . Even with her 100 + words per minute typing she could hardly keep up with the story they were weaving together . " Spatula ? " Teresa giggled as she climbed the steps into the RV . " Is that what 's protruding from your elephant 's poopchute ? " She pointed at the giant stuffed GOP icon that they had stolen from the Republican Convention a week earlier - and had since been using as the butt of a series of visual jokes that they would email to all their friends - that was strapped to the ceiling above the foldout couch . Arianne paused in her writing and thought of Guy , who was probably sitting in his office . . . and most likely , if the information she had gotten was correct , thinking about her . She sighed and , not for the first time , regretted her hasty decision to sell the bakery and leave the city in the mountains . But what was done was done , and couldn 't be undone . Arianne took the offered glass gratefully and sat at the table . She sipped at the refreshing drink for a moment and then set it down and picked up the medium sized box . It was forwarded from her sister ( who knew about the false name - and why she was using it ) , but the original return address was still visible : " No , not really . My organizational skills are such right now that I can 't seem to find my ass with both hands ! " Arianne replied as she finished her glass of tea . Finally , she got through all the packing material and saw what lay in bottom of the box . And then the emotional damn burst . First it was a spork . Then the knife ran off with the spoon . When would the abandonment end ? What did she do to deserve this kind of cutlery treatment ? As she sat there on the bed , crying and cradling the calfskin wrapped , long handled spatula , she couldn 't quite put her finger on it , but she knew he was trying to tell her something . She did know , without a doubt , that she had to get in touch with Guy . Some things were just too incredible for coincidence . I had sent the package to Arianne 's sister , hoping that - even if she wouldn 't talk to me , and tell me where Arianne was - she would still forward it . But I had no way of knowing . And no way of knowing what Arianne 's reaction would be . So I hoped that spending a few days away from everything , and communing with Nature , would help me get my mind settled so I could get back to working on some cases and making some money . As I moved along the trail , I could feel the concerns of my life slipping away . The sounds and scents of Nature gently pushed away thoughts of bills , and rent . . . and Arianne . About 3 / 4 of a mile in , the trail began to parallel Lynne 's Creek , and the sound of the water rushing over the rocks as it headed down the mountain caused the last vestiges of concern to drop away . " I should do this more often , " I said to myself as I followed upstream , toward the first of three waterfalls I knew lay between here and my destination . As I got closer to the waterfall , I could hear the crash of the water as it cascaded down the face of the falls . But there was another , clashing sound that was beginning to tug at me . I slowed my stride as I tried to figure out this dissonance , but was totally unprepared for the realization that was about to come . As I made my way around the last bend of the trail below the falls , I realized that I was hearing music . . . a marching band . What The Poop ? , I thought as I walked into the small glade around the pool at the bottom of the falls . There , spread out all around the pool , was the Saint Francis School for Girls Marching Band , playing John Philip Sousa music and having a picnic . The music ground to a halt as the girls noticed that I had entered the glade . I stood there with a dumbstruck look on my face , wondering how - and why - an entire marching band had come all the way out here into the forest to have lunch and rehearse . It certainly wasn 't because they weren 't good . They sounded quite good , not to mention looking very fetching in their blue and white uniforms . I looked around nervously , trying to figure the quickest way through the group and on up the trail , as one of the girls in the water moved towards me . " Hey , mister , would you care to join us ? We 've got lots of food , and the water is fine ! " she said as she reached the bank and pulled herself out of the water . Her shoulders were scorched , and no one seemed to care . I turned away quickly and busied myself looking at the trees up on the hillside as the girl laughed and put on her uniform . More laughter rippled through the group as they noticed that my face was red . I heard a sigh behind me , as the girl said " Sometimes the only way to get these things started is to grease them up a bit . My name is Mary Catherine , and I 'm the drum major . Won 't you please join us ? Dean Michaels would never forgive us if we weren 't hospitable . " As several of the girls around me offered food , Mary Catherine jumped up on a rock and motioned for the band to begin playing again - a jaunty tune that sounded somewhat familiar . I accepted some fruit and cheeses as I listened and enjoyed . Although the cheese was moldy , the glockenspiel stayed in tune , and I began to really enjoy myself . One of the girls helped me off with my pack , and I sat down to eat . The band members were taking turns swimming , never enough at one time to detract from the music , although there were moments of discord in the brass section . The trumpets and trombones were doing all right , but the Sousaphone , again , was uncooperative . Despite this minor fracas , I was feeling extremely giddy , and even began to dance around a bit . I continued eating the moldy cheese until suddenly a moose came crashing out of the woods , while the band was playing a rousing version of Amazing Grace . By this point I was acting as a music stand for Mary Catherine , and as the gangly animal careened through the panicked band - bellowing the whole time - its antlers snagged on a picnic basket and hurled the contents through the air . The condiments in the basket spewed everywhere , including on the me and the sheet music I was holding . Amazing Grace was doused in ketchup , but the moose was loud and clear . When I came to , the paramedics were loading me onto a stretcher . I had laid in the woods for two days , unconscious , before my friend found me , and the head wound had become infected . The antibiotics cost half again as much as the doctor 's appointment . So much for socialized medicine . And there was no sign of a Girl 's School Marching Band anywhere . It had been a very quiet week in the city in the mountains . I was still recovering from my abortive attempt at camping , and the head wound that resulted . The antibiotics were doing their job , but I had been experiencing a headache and so had unplugged my phone . Which wasn 't doing my bank account any good . Of course , clients had been few and far between for some time , so maybe I wasn 't missing anything . No way to know . I clicked on it and read eagerly . She had received the package , and decided that it was time to be back in touch with me , and , according to her message , talk about us getting back together . And there at the very end was her Skype name and " call me ! " After a brief silence , we continued for a while with some small talk . . . " Yeah it 's been awhile . . . Not much , how ' bout you . . . I 'm not sure why I called . . . I guess I really just wanted to talk to you . . . And I was thinking maybe later on . . . We could get together for awhile . . . It 's been such a long time . . . And I really do miss your smile " I paused for a moment , then said " Well , either you need to tell me where you are or you can come here . " Arianne replied , " I 'm over in Dandridge . Living on Rossi Street , down near the - - " and the call dropped . Then my computer went crazy . . . . Arianne looked at her computer in a daze as window after window opened . She couldn 't get it to stop , so she shut the computer off , laid down on her bed and stared at the ceiling . It was nice to hear Guy 's voice again , but she wasn 't sure what to do next . She continued thinking as she drifted off to sleep . . . . The howling of the coyotes woke her up . They seemed to be just outside her bedroom window , they were that loud . And it was very odd , because she had , up to now , had no inkling that there were coyotes in the area . She got up and looked out the window and saw Geneva in the yard , struggling against a strong wind , picking up fallen branches . There had apparently been a storm come through while Arianne slept . Arianne pulled on a jacket and went outside to help , as it was obvious that Geneva was having a hard time of it . The two women worked silently for a few minutes , cleaning up the storm damage , and , just as they collected all the debris , a powerful gust of wind came along and scattered the pile . Arianne looked around disgustedly , and she sighed and began rearranging the tree branches . Again . When they had regathered all the mess , they went back into the house and discovered that mayhem had taken place in the kitchen . Geneva had baked a pie before the storm came through , and had forgotten that it was sitting on the window sill . Feathers were everywhere , and apple pie was out of the question . Geneva had a crazed look in her eyes as she said , " I can 't seem to rid my house of these dots . " Arianne stared at her landlady , not knowing what to say - or do . It took me a couple of days , and a visit from Jimmy the Bartender - who was a bit of a computer whiz - to get the virus out of my computer , and when I tried to get in touch with Arianne , I had no luck . So , I decided to go " old school " and send her a letter . I spent some time carefully composing a letter that I hoped would be well received and addressed the envelope as best I could . It was impossible to know if her letter was going to get to its destination , so vague was the address she provided . By now my head wound was pretty much healed , and the headaches were gone , so I decided to venture out . I waited until evening , and walked down the street toward the Five Spot . The sun was bright and the size of a quarter , yet the moon appeared as a silvery dollar . The street was more crowded than usual , and I had to push my way through folks and to the door of the pub . I entered and found myself looking at a standoff . The regular patrons were all crowded into one corner of the room , and Dirk Easley was standing in front of the bar , his hands held out from his sides . A large man was standing a few feet away , a gun in his hands , his eyes darting back and forth from Dirk to the folk in the corner . He saw me and spun around to point the gun at me and said , " Where would the plane land now ? Can you tell me that ? ! ? " Dirk took advantage of my entry and lunged at the man , who reacted fast and fired the gun at Dirk . Jimmy and I moved at the same time and wrestled the man to the floor and disarmed him . Jimmy held the man down as I went to check on Dirk . Which , arguably , is the perfect weather for a funeral . So it was a fairly small crowd that gathered at the cemetery on the hill for Dirk 's funeral . We stood there , overcoats whipping in the wind , umbrellas all but useless . There couldn 't have been more than 20 mourners ; half a dozen of his fellow private investigators , friends from his club , and some cousins I was sure he hadn 't seen in years . The cousins had predatory looks in their eyes , and one of them kept looking over at me . I suppose they knew I was the executor for Dirk 's estate . Some estate , I mused as the priest droned on . An office full of old magazines , some furniture in a small apartment , and a 1949 Plymouth Woody station wagon . That was it , as far as I knew , but we 'd all find out together later at the reading of the will . The ceremony finally finished , and we trudged through the rain back to the waiting vehicles . I ended up in the car with a couple from the Whole - ism Club , where Dirk had been a member for many years . Marge and Anthony Geklis had known Dirk since he had moved to the city in the mountains some ten years earlier . I knew them by sight , but that was about it . We arrived at the Five Spot , where the wake was to be held , and hurried through the rain to the open door . There were many more of Dirk 's friends here , which was not really that surprising . Most people would rather have a drink in a cozy pub than stand at a graveside in the driving rain . The avaricious cousins had already arrived , one of them carrying a little dog . Like many little dogs , it barked . And barked . And barked . The incessant barking was enough to drive me to tears . Eloise Black , whom I had assisted on a case several weeks earlier , was also at the wake , and when she saw me she came over to speak with me . " I can 't believe someone would bring a yippy dog like that to a wake ! Isn 't it illegal or something to have a dog in a pub anyway ? " The cousin , whose name I still did not know , must have had more to drink than I thought , because he reacted quite angrily . " How dare you tell me what to do with Chesterton ! He has just as much right to be here as any of these . . . Neanderthal ! " he bellowed , glaring around in disgust at the crowd . " Look , Bub , " I said , drawing myself to my full height , " This pub is full of Dirk 's friends , and we 're here to celebrate his life , not listen to some useless little bit of fur yap its fool head off . I knew Dirk for 20 years , and never once did he mention any of you , and you certainly never visited him . Now , I suggest you take that dog and leave . " " This is a public place ! " Percy shouted . " I will not have you telling me what I can and can 't do ! ! I 'll call the police ! ! I 'll report you to the - - - " Suddenly , he clutched at his chest and started to fall forward . His brothers caught him and gently lowered him to the floor as Jimmy the bartender grabbed the phone and dialed 911 . James handed the dog to his other brother . " Edward , " he said , " Take this dog to Mr . Paulson 's house . He 'll know what to do . " He then turned his attention to his fallen brother . I looked at my drink in consternation , confused by the non sequitur , and then stood back . Within a couple of minutes , we could hear the wail of a siren as the EMTs arrived . They went to work on the fallen man , and soon had him on a gurney and out the door , James trailing along behind him , talking on his cell phone . I awoke the next morning , feeling like a coal train was rumbling through my head . I stumbled into the bathroom and washed my face , then started a pot of coffee . Once I felt almost human again , I tried to call the lawyer - no answer . I tried repeatedly throughout the day to contact him , to no avail . I went to the Five Spot for lunch , and found out that Percy was going to be okay . Jimmy had been concerned , since the man had had an attack there in the pub , after all , and had called the hospital . Once I got back to the office I began trying again to get through to the lawyer . After trying to reach him for over ten hours , the line finally rang through ! The reading was to be two days later , at three in the afternoon . It had been a busy few days for me . After the funeral and somewhat eventful wake for Dirk Easley , there was the reading of the will . I was quite surprised to find that not only was Dirk 's estate much more extensive than I had ever thought , but that he had left the bulk of it to me . This fact did not please the Cousins Avaricious , as I now thought of the trio that had showed up at the wake and caused such a ruckus . In fact , they were now threatening to challenge the will in court . So the only access I had to my new - found wealth was the 1949 Plymouth Woody - which , truth be told , was the best part . I had never been a materialistic person , and the idea of owning masterwork paintings and other artwork , not to mention all the rest , was a bit daunting . Well , I didn 't really have a problem with the house on Beech Mountain - not that I would ever go skiing . But the pictures showed a nice house with an absolutely wonderful view , and I looked forward to going up and seeing it . . . assuming the court case went my way , that was . The reading had been on Tuesday in Charlotte . I caught the bus down the mountain and sat through all the yelling from the Cousins Avaricious , and after it was over - and they had sneered at the Plymouth - the lawyer handed me the keys . I walked the five blocks to the garage where the car had been stored , signed the paperwork , and got in . I turned the key and the engine purred to life , the solid old motor sounding brand new . " Do not attempt to defeat this safety feature , " blared a voice from the radio speakers . I waited nervously for a moment to see what would else might happen , and when nothing did , I put the car in gear and drove it out of the garage and toward the highway . I had gone less than a block when I saw Jimmy , the bartender at the Five Spot , standing at a bus stop . " Wow ! It looks brand new ! ! " the exuberant bartender exclaimed as I pulled away from the curb . " Oh , I came down to visit my Aunt Sofia . She lives in the Panther Den Rest Home over by the Stadium . Thanks for saving me bus fare back up the mountain . " " I had been out of high school for a couple of years , and was still trying to find my place in the world . My Granpa had been a police detective and I had always thought that was a cool job , but being a cop held no interest for me . So I drifted from part - time job to part - time job , unhappy with them and hanging out on the streets more than I should , until one day in August my Granpa came by my place . " ' Come get in the car , ' he said to me . Now Granpa was not someone to be disobeyed . Before he became a policeman , he spent five years working in the steel mills up north . As the saying goes , his muscles had muscles , and growing older hadn 't diminished him at all . " Anyway , I dutifully followed him to his car , which was very much like this one , and he drove us across town to the old Jackson Building . We went up to the 8th floor and to the office of one of his old buddies , Jerome " Snappy " Lefkowitz . Snappy was like those detectives you read stories about . Crisp linen suit , freshly blocked fedora , trenchcoat . . . the whole deal . " Granpa walked into the office like he owned the place , and said to Snappy , " This is my grandson . Teach him everything you know . " And then he walked back out the door . " " Well , Snappy looked at me , all gangly arms and legs - remember , I was only 20 , " I said as Jimmy looked at my . . . no longer slender form , " and said , ' First thing is , you need a suit . C ' mon . ' He stood up , put on his hat and coat , and took me to the tailor . " For the next year and a half I worked hard as Snappy 's errand boy / assistant , learning all the basics - and many of the tricks - of the Private Investigator biz . We sat stakeout for days at a time , waiting to catch the philandering husband in the act . We tracked down the daughter that ran away from home to become an actress . We found the missing family jewels . All kinds of things . " I asked endless questions , and Snappy never failed to answer directly . . . except for the one time when I said , ' Why do you wear gloves when you 're loading the guns ? ' ' Oh , you know - just in case , ' he answered curtly . I didn 't figure out the real reason for several years , but that 's another story for another time . Sadness crept into my voice as I continued , " It all came to an end at the Jackson Building Christmas Party in 1978 . Most of the offices in the building were one or two - person businesses , and so the whole building got together to have an annual party . Old Doc Hawkins , the dentist , dressed as Santa and chased all the secretaries around , there was spiced wine and strong eggnog , and everybody participated in the secret Santa . " Gee , Guy , are you sure ? " Jimmy said with no small amount of astonishment . This was a man who had seen me nurse a gin and tonic for three hours , just so I wouldn 't have to buy the next round . " Maybe it 's the spirit of Dirk , but I feel like splurging a bit . Let 's have some seafood , " I replied as I saw the sign at the exit . I turned down the exit ramp , took a right at the light , and pulled into the Wharfed Mind Restaurant . We walked in and were seated at a table by the window . " Order anything you like , Jimmy , " I said as I looked the menu over . Jimmy was scratching his nose as the waitress arrived to take our order . His hand stopped suddenly and a look of concentration crept across his face . He glanced at her to see if she was watching , she wasn 't , of course , so he went ahead and picked his nose . I chose the Calabash shrimp and Jimmy ordered clam chowder and a salad . " Hmm ? Oh , that , " I replied . " Well , the Christmas tree in the lobby was right next to one of those big old radiators . So when Mrs . Rimble , who was Doc Hawkins ' receptionist and whose name I had drawn , opened the package , it . . . well , it sort of exploded as she tore off the wrapping paper , and the most horrible smell filled the room . Judge Henderson , who had the whole top floor for his offices and who oversaw the Christmas party , was furious . " ' Who in the hell chose that as a gift ! ' he thundered . All of the partygoers shrank back from him - and away from the offensive smell emanating from Mrs . Rimble 's lap . None of them had ever seen a full - blown conniption before and were quite unprepared for the mess . When no one answered - I was too terrified to say anything - he strode around the room , glaring at each person in turn , grabbing all the other presents and flinging them across the room . " The longer he waited for someone to speak up , the angrier he got . Poinsettias went flying , and the other decorations that had been put up for the party fell to his wrath . As he finally approached me I was quaking in my patent leather shoes , certain that the guilt was clear on my face . Snappy must have seen it too , cause he stepped in front of the Judge , and whispered something in his ear . " By this time our food had arrived , and I ate while I continued my story . " Whatever he said to Judge Henderson deflated the anger like a tire runing over a nail . The Judge cast his glare once more around the room , then stomped to his private elevator , glancing back over his shoulder at Snappy , who stood there calmy , arms crossed . " As soon as the elevator doors closed behind the Judge , the whole crowd bolted for the doors , to get some fresh air . I started moving that way , too , but Snappy 's arm shot out and blocked my way . ' Let 's go up on the roof , ' he said , and grabbed my elbow . We took the other elevator up , then climbed the stairs to the roof . " The stars were dim , blocked by the glare radiating from hundreds of empty parking lots . We stood there for a minute in silence , then Snappy turned to me and asked , ' Why didn 't you own up to it ? ' I stammered and stuttered , giving excuse after excuse . It was kind of like painting one 's self into a corner . Finally , I admitted that I had no good reason , other than I honestly feared for my life , the Judge 's rage was so severe . " Snappy was silent for a few moments , then said quietly , ' As of the new year , the office is yours . I 've taught you all you need to know , and it 's time for me to be moving on . Especially since I played a trump card tonight I 'd been holding for years . ' He looked me up and down , and then said ' I think it was worth it , though . You 'll be a good PI , son . ' " Snappy smiled as he replied , ' Oh , just a couple of things I overheard the Judge say to the preacher 's wife several years ago . . . . There 's nothing like the smell of sex in the morning . and , ' . . . " I paused , noticing that Jimmy was turning an incredibly unhealthy looking shade of green . " Are you all right , Jimmy ? " I 'd been driving for 15 minutes when Jimmy suddenly said , " Uh oh ! " and I heard the distinct sounds of vomiting . " I 'm sorry , Guy . I threw up on your books . " " Books ? " I asked , pulling over to the side of the highway . I opened the back hatch of the Woody and there were several boxes of books there , partially covered by an old ratty blanket . Some vintage erotica , hand written diaries and what appeared to be a complete set of German - Hungarian / Hungarian - German dictionaries . It was hard to tell , though , because not only do I not speak German or Hungarian , but they were covered with . . . well . They were unseemly . It was the first time in my life ( as best I could remember ) that I had thrown away books , but volumes H through Q were left by the side of the road . Arianne stared in amazement as the manhole cover fifty feet in front of her car flew up in the air , borne aloft on a stream of waste . Almost immediately the stench hit her , giving her the impetus she needed to leave the car and head for the front door of the Acme Building . A gust of wind blew some of the airborne shite her way and she got splattered just before she got to the door . She pushed her way past a group of teens staring out the door , pointing and laughing as people ran from the excretory rain , and headed for the ladies room to clean up . She looked at the empty towel dispensers in disgust , and then stepped back out into the lobby . A quick glance at the news kiosk by the stairs caused her to shake her head . Then she had an idea . . . . It had been a quiet week in the city by the mountains . Despite their threat , the Cousins Avaricious decided to not contest Dirk 's will , and I was in the process of getting all the legal stuff taken care of so that I could take possession of Dirk 's estate . The Woody was a real blessing for me . I had already saved twenty or thirty bucks in cab fare , plus people smiled and pointed when they saw it coming down the street . Jimmy had fully recovered from his food poisoning and was back at work at the Five Spot , so my drinks were just the way I liked them again . The only thing I didn 't have was a case to work on , but after the events of the last couple months . . . I didn 't really mind that much . And so it was that I was leaning back in my chair with my feet up on the desk , dozing , when my office door opened and Arianne walked in . At first I thought I was dreaming , but then a . . . smell reached my nose . A smell that heretofore I had not associated with Arianne . When I shook my head no , still somewhat taken aback at seeing her in my office , she told me what had happened and finished by saying , " . . . The paper towels were used up and there was no newspaper . I muttered something the kids couldn 't hear and started ripping pages from the phone book to clean up the mess . And then I came on up , since I was in the building and , well , didn 't want to go back outside . " " That voice . . . It seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere . " She looked at me quizzically and I hastily added , " Just kidding . Damn , it 's great to see you ! " My arms worked just fine this time , so I hugged her tight . " None of that matters now . You 're here . And , ummm , you smell like shit . " I smiled at her to make sure she knew I was being playful , and said , " Let 's blow this office and get you to a shower . " " Don 't worry , kid , " I replied . " I 've got my own wheels now . And it 's parked in the back lot . " I told her about Dirk leaving me his estate in his will as we rode down to the basement in the elevator . " It 's Tuesday , and that means it 's time to wax the cat ! " I shouted to him as we got to the Woody . Arianne laughed at his look as I put the car in gear and pulled out of my parking space . " Sure , Guy , just stop by the station over there in the morning and ask for Jim . I 'll let him know you 're coming by . I owe you one , Noir , " he said and hung up . As I drove past the shopping centers , I could sense the excitement in other drivers ; the abundance of parking lots with empty parking spots is always a strange thrill in the suburbs . The whole scene was as nice as ever . Nothing ever changes , not ever , out here in suburbia . I pulled into the police station and walked in . I told the desk sergeant I was there to see Detective Kirby , and he pointed me down the hall . My first take on Detective Jim Kirby wasn 't all that good . He was in his office , which he shared with the K - 9 unit , and , all things considered , Jim was having far too much fun with the Jiffy - Lam 3000 laminator . The dog looked at him reproachfully . He looked up from the machine as I walked in and said , " You must be the PI cousin Frank said was coming over . Jim Kirby , " he said , holding out his hand . We shook , and I asked him what the case was . He explained that a Mr . Ralph McMahan had died of arsenic poisoning after eating dinner at the annual Kiwanis talent show . They had several suspects , but couldn 't get the goods on any of them . He gave me a list of the names , with addresses , and I told him I 'd check them out . The first name on the list was Dr . Emma Jones , Professor of History at the university in the city , so I called her office to make an appointment to stop by . On my way over there , I tried to come up with an excuse to be seeing a History Professor , as my general process is to talk to suspects without letting on that I 'm checking them out . That way I get a feeling of them as a person . My intuition had rarely ever failed me . I was stuck for a bit for a topic to start on , but then I remembered about my great - great grandmother . I walked into the office and introduced myself , then told the tale of my great - great . She really had died of mysterious circumstances , and the date had been lost for a long time . I told Dr . Jones the story , finishing up with , " The class of 1857 's class letters had provided me with a general idea about her death - some time after October 4 , 1862 , but not more than a couple weeks . I can 't get any farther than that , though . Do you think you can help me ? " While I was telling her my story , I had been getting a strange vibe , and the itch just wouldn 't go away . She seemed excited to hear my tale , but not in the " oh boy , a history mystery " way . It was more the " oh boy , someone died mysteriously " way . In fact , she was way too excited , and my radar was pinging like mad . But I didn 't want to move to fast . Catching hardened criminals is like landing a fish . Always give them some line , and then set the hook . I learned that from Snappy Leftowitz . About criminals and fish . I offered to help fix the dinner , and while we were chopping veggies and prepping the meat , Arianne started asking me all kinds of questions about the case . I was still so thrilled to have her back in my life that I forgot all about professional ethics and was telling her all about the case before I realized it . In the Private Investigator biz , there are things you just don 't share , but there was no holding back now . I told Arianne all my suspicions and just why I felt the way I did , and how my intuitions were almost always spot on . Not since Snappy had retired had I shared that secret with anyone . Two days later , Professor Jones called me , and asked if I could come over to see her , that she had some info on my great - great grandmother for me . I said sure , and she gave me directions to her house , as she had no classes or office hours that day . Arianne and I got in the car and headed over to the address . We were met at the door by a maid , who led us to the Professor 's study . I introduced Arianne , and we sat down while Dr . Jones went through the information she had gathered about my ancestress - all of which I already knew , of course . She was almost finished when we were interrupted by a loud squawking . Arianne and I looked at each other , confusion writ large on our faces , and then a parrot came riding through the study on a miniature tricycle . It had been a quiet week in the city in the mountains . The final paperwork had gone through on the inheritance , and I found out I would only have to sell a third of the paintings and other artwork to pay the taxes , so that was good . Arianne and I were settling back into our relationship comfortably , and had decided to go up to the house on Beech Mountain for a few days . I had hired an assistant , a young man by the name of Albert Cerrano , and told him to keep my desk chair warm and refer any clients to Fizzy Joines , a private investigator that I had worked with often in the past . So we threw some stuff in the back of the Woody , Arianne grabbed her laptop , and we headed up the Blue Ridge Parkway towards Banner Elk and Beech Mountain . Like a lot of the homes up on the mountain , Dirk 's house had been available for weekend rental during the times he wasn 't using it . We figured we would do the same , so once we got to the top of Beech Mountain , we pulled into the lot of Beech Realty to sign the paperwork and pick up a set of keys to the house . " Be with you in a minute , " I heard a woman 's voice call out from behind a closed door . Then I heard a flush and the door opened . The woman who walked out of the bathroom wasn 't what I expected in a Realtor 's office . She was dressed conservatively , as Realtors tend to be , but something about her gave me the impression that she would be more comfortable in a logging camp or on a soccer field . " Whew ! Hope you don 't need to use the facilities , friend , " she said , waving her hand in front of her face . " That 's why you don 't light a candle in the bathroom , " she added , then burst out laughing . " Janey Hicks , " she said , holding out her hand and taking mine firmly . " How can I help you ? " She stepped over to the front window and saw the Woody in the parking lot . " Oh ! You must be Mr . Noir . I recognize Dirk 's car . So sad to lose him , but life goes on . Let me get the paperwork and we 'll be done in a jiffy . I 'm sure you want to get on over to the house and check it out . " We were going over the documents when her computer beeped . While I continued reading the rental details , she opened the incoming email and read for a moment . " It 's from my worthless ex boyfriend , " she said to me . I could tell just by looking at her that , after reading the email , she wanted to reach through the computer screen and smack him for his burning stupidity . " Best day of my life was the day I told him what he could do with himself . We were at the marina over to Watauga Lake , waiting for some friends we were gonna go boating with , and I just had enough of him . He was drunk again - as usual - and when he tried to paw me right there in front of God and everybody , I punched him in the gut , smacked his face and shoved him in the water . Bam , pow , oof , splash ! " " Not at all , Ms . Hicks . Sounds to me like he had it coming . So , I just need to sign here ? " I added , wanting to finish up and get over to the house . " Yep . That takes care of things at this end . As soon as you and your ladyfriend figure out when you 're most likely to want to come up here , you just let me know , and we 'll block those dates from the rental schedule . Welcome to the Village of Beech Mountain ! " It shook her hand again as she handed me the keys and took my leave , smiling at the Mountain Woman image made flesh . Arianne wasn 't back to the car yet , so I walked across the parking lot to the store . As I was climbing the steps up on to the porch , I heard a voice cry out , " Stop him ! " and a young man came barreling out the front door . My finely honed instincts kicked in and I reached out to grab the fleeing miscreant . He goosed , then ducked . Unluckily for him , though , I 'd been nabbing perps for longer than he 'd been alive , and was wise to their tricks . I tackled him , and the package he had tried to get away with went flying . The rogue lay there for a moment , stunned by the impact with the sidewalk , and then moaned loudly . He wouldn 't have believed it if he hadn 't seen it with his own eye - there was his other eye , looking back at him . He reached out and picked it up - I could see it was glass at that point - and popped it back into the socket . The Village Police Station was just on the other side of the real estate office , so it took only a moment for an officer to run over and take control of the would - be ( and , frankly , not very intelligent ) thief . As the cop was securing the prisoner , I could hear the young man babbling . Much like the Internet , there was some useful , possibly even vital information hidden amid the rambling and bravado . He swayed on his feet , clearly intoxicated , and let loose a spew of colourful bile on the sidewalk - it furthered the metaphor , and I was delighted . " Not sure , " I replied , squatting down to look at the contents . It had the consistency of pudding , but the scent wafting off its quivering bulk spoke volumes about un - emptied dumpsters and forgotten stacks of crusty socks . " Definitely lutefisk , " I said , moving to stand upwind . " I 'm on vacation , Darlin ' , " I said as I smiled at her , knowing that she knew that I wouldn 't be able to resist the mystery implied in all these goings on . She scooped some of the fishy stuff into the container , and stood as a man in dark glasses came out of the store and strode directly to the package . He quickly gathered up the contents , and carried the mess back into the store , without saying a word or even looking at us . She stepped over and read for a moment , then turned to me . " Naked ? " she cried , aghast . Then she burst out laughing and quickly stripped down . Few are privy to the inner workings of the insular world of competitive arachnid collection , but Dirk had shared a few anecdotes with me at the time . I knew , for instance , that the insanely intricate yet frequently modified qualifications for any given year 's Prize Specimen made for lively discussions and heated controversy at the biweekly meetings . All in all , the Arachnid Fanciers ' gatherings were a morass of strong opinions loosely held - and loudly expressed . |
Milo Paul Ross born on Independence Day in 1943 in Ogden , Utah . He weighed in at a flat 8 pounds , 22 inches . He was discharged at 7 pounds , 10 . 5 ounces . His parents were Milo James Ross and Gladys Donaldson Ross . They resided at 829 8th Street in Ogden , Utah . Well , Grandma did . Grandpa had just landed in Hawaii with the Army . A biography at the University of Utah said , " Ross soon shipped out to the Hawaiian Islands , leaving behind his young pregnant wife . As his unit landed on the big island of Hawaii on July 4 , 1943 , a voice on the loud speaker said , " Sergeant Ross , congratulations . Your wife and son are doing well , and , one more thing , before you get off the ship you and your men have guard duty for the next four hours . Welcome to Hawaii . " Grandma told the story how every night before going to bed Grandma showed Dad a picture of Grandpa and told him to kiss it goodnight . When Grandpa stepped off the train years later , Dad knew who is father was at sight . I doubt Dad remembers much at such an early age . It would be interesting to know his recollections . Grandpa told me that when he left Grandma they made an agreement that no matter where they were , both would kneel and pray at 9 : 00 PM at night for family prayer . Even though they were miles apart , this was a way of maintaining their relationship despite distance and not knowing whether letters would arrive at the other end . Grandpa said there were nights he felt his family very close , especially in a lonely foxhole with people dying around him . Anyhow , more about the photos of the little boy above . The top photo was taken in July 1943 , which means it was within 3 - 4 weeks of his birth . He is held in the photo by his grandmother , my Great Grandmother , Berendena Van Leeuwen Donaldson . She went by Dena her whole life . I cropped the photo down just to show Dad . My first impression of this picture is how much he looks like my Aunt Caroline in this photo . If it wasn 't for the written date on the photo , I would think it was her . The second photo is also cropped . This will probably be the closest I get to nudity on this little blog . This photograph indicates it was taken at 8 weeks , putting us at the end of August or beginning of September 1943 . Perhaps he needed a little help with Bilirubin , hence sitting out in the sun with all exposed . Either way , he does not look entirely pleased with the situation . Looking at the two photographs , I can see a slight expression from the second photo in little Aliza . Amanda and I see quite a bit of me in little Aliza , and we see more of the Jonas / Coley brow and facial features , at least at this stage . We all know how children move through different looks as they grow up . We shall keep a keen eye out for intimations of Dad . But here are two photos of him . Irwin John was born the third child to the marriage of Lillian Coley and Joseph Nelson Jonas . He was born on Friday 2 September 1921 in Thatcher , Franklin , Idaho , at 6 : 30 PM , although likely born in Cleveland , Franklin , Idaho , while the family made a go of farming . The family could not make farming work and moved to Lewiston , Cache , Utah as his father took a job with the Utah - Idaho Central Railroad . When Irwin was about 6 , the family moved to Uintah , Weber , Utah . Joseph was promoted to Section Foreman and the family moved to Ogden , Weber , Utah . It was in this place that Joseph was accidentally electrocuted in 1932 . Afterward the family moved back to Richmond , Cache , Utah , Lillian 's hometown . The family moved around quite a bit and some of the children struggled with the moves and changes in homes . The family lived in everything from a boxcar to a nice home in Ogden . Joseph and Lillian were stern but loving parents , dealing with their own issues as well as with the children . Here is a picture of Irwin at North Cache with Glacus Godfrey Merrill 's class . Irwin is on the back row , third from the right , fifth from the left . His brother , Norwood , my grandfather , is on the far right of the third row from the front . You can see the other names for this photo here . Irwin was then sent to go overseas . Irwin sent Mary to live with his mother in Richmond . Mary gave birth to Robert Irwin Jonas in February 1944 . Irwin went to New York City in preparation for the D - Day Invasion . At least that is the story told by family . An explanation could be the preparation for D - Day and not wanting to give anything away so they made it appear like it was in New York City . Or it could very well be that he did not take part of D - Day and arrived after that date . However , since he died on the 11th of July in Saint - Lô , it is unlikely he was in New York City on 8 July 1944 . Further that letter was dated 6 July 1944 . It was likely he was writing from France but marking the envelopes New York City . At any rate , here is the single page of the postmarked 8 July 1944 letter . You will have to click on it to read it properly , the pencil is hard to scan . One of Irwin 's obituaries indicates he was sent to Europe in October 1943 . The US Army determined to bring Irwin 's body home to the United States rather than bury him in France . Lillian and Mary finally received Irwin 's body in late January 1948 . His burial took place 6 February 1944 in Richmond . Through the family , Mary and Bob moved to Ogden to work . There , Mary , Irwin 's widow , met Irwin 's uncle Art Coley . Irwin and Art were born the same year , even though Uncle and Nephew . Arthur " Art " Christiansen Coley and Mary were married 3 May 1946 in Evanston , Uinta , Wyoming . EMPLOYEE RETIRES - Albert Wakely , second from the right , a Buhl city employee for the past 19 years , retired Thursday of last week at the age of 65 years and in recognition of his great loyalty and longtime work on the city crew , his fellow employees held a coffee hour in his honor at the city hall and presented him with a gift of a jacket . Albert will receive social security benefits as well as payments from the State Employees Retirement fund . He plans to do a lot of fishing , his favorite sport , in his retirement . Pictured with Albert above are Ivan Coley and Rulon McMurdie , two fellow - workers at the left , and Jess Holmes , city maintenance superintendent on the right . ( Buhl Herald staff photo ) . I have made a number of photos available that were in my Great Grandma 's ( Lillian Coley Jonas ) photo albums . As I mentioned , these photos seem to come from a collection of her own photos , photos that belonged to her mother ( Martha Christiansen Coley ) , and photos that belonged to husband ( Joseph Nelson Jonas ) . Unfortunately , these are unnamed so we do not know who the individuals are or where the photos were taken . I am fairly certain these are Coley or Jonas relatives though . Plus , there is a very good chance these photos were taken in Cache County , Utah . Any photos with writing , I have made the writing available in the caption area . This was written on the back of this one : Hug and Kiss and now I am going to propose to you dear . To Lillian from Olof and Edna . Wishing you many a Happy Birthdays . Haha Here is another photo from the collection of my Great Grandmother Lillian Coley Jonas . I assume it was a friend of hers , I am fairly certain from the features of the girl that she is not a relative . Lillian grew up in Richmond , Cache , Utah . This girl likely was from Richmond or at least that part of Cache County . This photo was with other photos from before her marriage in 1918 , so this photo likely predates 1918 . There is also a likelihood that this girl was roughly the same age as Lillian , who was born in 1898 . This girl is probably within 2 years of Lillian 's age . I have no other leads to her identity . This photo was in the pictures of my Great Great Grandmother , Martha Christiansen Coley . I don 't know why . She had brothers who worked in Washington State and perhaps they sent this as a post card if they traveled through Weiser , but there was not writing on the back or any indication it was mailed . The picture is of the train station in Weiser , Washington , Idaho . Since Ivan does not give much background information , I will provide some . Ivan is the sister to my Lillian Coley Jonas . Ivan is the sixth of ten children born to Martha Christiansen and Herbert Coley born 26 June 1912 in Richmond , Cache , Utah . He married Clara McMurdie on 22 October 1930 in Buhl , Twin Falls , Idaho . Ivan and Clara had four children . Ivan passed away 22 September 1994 in Buhl . He was buried 27 September 1994 in West End Cemetery near Buhl . Clara just joined him this year . I was born in the little town of Richmond , Utah in Cache Valley . We lived up in the foothills called Nebo , about 3 1 / 2 miles from town . It was really pretty up there . You could see all over the valley . I was one of ten children with four sisters and five brothers . We didn 't have a car so we had to hitch the horses up to the white - top buggy when we went to church . In the winter we used the bobsleds . Sometimes the show would be so deep that you didn 't know where the road was . Sometimes I would ride skis or hand sleigh to school in the winter . We had to pack our lunches because they didn 't have hot school lunches then . My dad had an old buckboard and he said he wanted to get it over to the house . One day when my parents weren 't home , I decided to hook the horse up to the buckboard and pull it over to the house for my dad . It didn 't have any shavs to guide it so I just put a chain on it to get it to the house . I was doing okay until the wheel hit a rock and the other wheel hit the horse in the belly . The horse got scared and ran away and I fell off the buckboard . It tore out about 100 yards of fence . When I got up , the horse was down by the haystack eating hay . I was afraid to tell my dad about it for fear that I would get my butt kicked because he had told me not to do it . Dad finally bought a house close to town so it would be easier for us kids to get to school in the winter . One day they left me and my older brother Wilford home alone . He was frying sausage and I was standing with my back to the stove trying to keep warm . He stuck the hot fork that he was frying the meat with on the back of neck . I got warm in one spot and you could see the mark of the fork tines in my neck . I was sick a lot when I was young . The doctors said that I had liver trouble . I was ruptured and had to wear a truss for seven years . I finally got to where I didn 't have to wear it anymore . I didn 't know what a long pair of dress pants were until I was about thirteen . We wore levis or kickerbockers pants that came just below the knees and buttoned . I also wore long black socks that came up to the knees . At Christmas we didn 't get things like they do now . We would get a little wagon and it had to be for all of us . Our gifts were mostly clothes . We may get an orange , some hardtack and sugar candy and that was a treat for us . Mother would take the eggs to town in a milk bucket and trade them for groceries . We didn 't know what hand soap and shampoo were then as we just used the old laundry soap and mother made most of it . About once a week we would get a little butter for our bread . We used mostly fryings from the bacon and dipped our bread or biscuits into it . It was really good . About the only time we would get cake or pie was on a holiday or birthday . We didn 't get both cake and pie together and we only got one piece when we did get it . I used to ride about eight miles to Lewiston with my dad to take a wagon load of wheat to the mill to have it ground for flour and cereal . We brought the bran home for the hogs every fall for our winter supply as we couldn 't go to town every day like they do now . We would get snowed in sometimes and couldn 't get to town for several days . Then we would have to go through the fields as the roads would be drifted full . We didn 't have a telephone . The only ones that had a phone were the rich people . The phones then had a little crank on the side of them and you had to crank it before you could get the operator . I worked for Melvin Smith in Richmond milking cows and plowing for $ 5 . 00 a month . There was one time I was plowing and the horses took off for the barn . I couldn 't get the plow out of the ground . I must have plowed a furrow about 1 / 4 mile long . The horses didn 't stop until they got to the barn . I went to unhitch them from the plow and one horse kicked me in the leg . It made me mad and I was going to quit but I was afraid to tell the boss so I worked a little longer . I was only about 23 or 13 years old at the time . On the days we had to spare , some of the neighbors would get together and round up some of the cattle . We would put them in a corral and have a rodeo . I rode the first one and we put a surcingle on him . The bigger boys put me on him and turned me loose . He sure did some bucking , but I stayed on . They passed a hat around and got about 25 or 30 cents and they gave it to me . I sure was ticked to death to get it . I didn 't go to school very much . My folks would send me and I would play hookey . I would go anywhere but to school . Now I can see where I made a mistake as I hurt no one but myself . I never did get to go to the circus . I would ride the streetcar to Logan once in a while though and see a show . It cost 10 cents to ride the streetcar and 10 cents to see the show . You didn 't get popcorn or candy to eat in the theater then . My brother and I were sleeping on the porch and the dog started barking in the middle of the night . I raised up in bed and saw a man coming up toward the house . I reached over and got the gun and fired a shot . It hit the drain pip on the side of the house . My brother - in - law came running out of the house to see what the shooting was all about . Whoever it was took off and never came back . It sure scared me . One time one of my friends and I rode a horse to Franklin , Idaho . That was about 10 miles from where we lived . This was in the middle of the winter and we had gone to check on some cattle . It was sure cold ( about 20 degrees below zero ) . I rode back in the middle of the night . I came to the neighbors who had a sheep wagon . I went inside and there was a little wood in it . I built a fire and laid down on the bed springs . There was no bedding because they had taken it out for the winter . I nearly froze to death . I sure was glad to see morning come . The neighbor took me to his house and gave me breakfast because I hadn 't had anything to eat since dinner the day before . The first time I ever tasted corn flakes was up to the neighbors . They put sugar and real straight cream on it . I thought I would founder as I had tasted nothing like that before . We didn 't know what prepared cereal was in those days and we called it mush . I remember one time my dad made some elderberry wine and put it up in the attic in the house . Every once in a while you would hear one go " BANG " as it blew up . One time we had an old man over for supper . He was an old man with long whiskers who we called " Grandpa Andrews " . Dad went up in the attic to get a bottle of wine . He went to open the bottle and it blew the cork out and hit the ceiling and Grandpa Andrews ' whiskers . It sure went off with a bang . One of the kids ran outside hollering " Grandpa got shot ! " I sure did laugh . They got another bottle and one held it while the other tried to open it and it blew the pitcher out of their hand . I don 't think anyone got wine that night . When I wasn 't very old , I remember my dad and I went to thin beets to buy a bull . I had a dog called " Bob " once and we used to hook him to the hand sleigh and haul the milk to the neighbor 's house about two blocks away as Bob pulled the sleigh . Wherever I went the dog was with me . The neighbor gave me a calf that broke his leg and I killed it and used it for coyote bait . I poisoned some of it . I thought the dog was home but he must have followed me . He got some of the poison and it killed him . I used to go out at night and sit on the haystack in the winter and shoot those big mountain hare rabbits with a shotgun . I would sell them for 5 cents apiece . Sometimes I would get for and five a shot as the rabbits were so thick they would undermine the haystacks . We had homemade skis . They were about 5 inches wide . All they had to hold them on your feet were a 3 / 4 inch strap to go over the foot and a broomstick split and nailed on the skis to go under the arch . They turned the toes up on the skis by driving a nail in them and using a wife , twisting it and steaming the skis . They way I learned to ride the skis was to straddle a long stick and have it drag behind me . It worked really good . If you wanted to slow down , yo would pull upon the front of the stick and sit down real hard on it . It would dig in the snow and slow you down . After we learned to ride good , we didn 't hold on to anything . When I was a kid there were very few deer and elk because people killed them for their hides . I can remember when they brought some elk , 4 cows , and a bull on a boxcar and turned them loose in the hills . They closed the season on them . You couldn 't hunt for several years . Then they got so thick that they would come down and eat the farmers ' haystacks at night . My sister , her husband , and her husband 's family moved to Buhl , Idaho in the fall and the next summer I went to Franklin , Idaho to get a job on the highway . They said they didn 't hire kids . " I was 16 at the time . " A friend of mine and I decided to keep going the rest of the way to Buhl . We hitch - hiked all the way ! We got off on the wrong road and ended up in Blackfoot so we had to go back to Pocatello . I didn 't have any money and my friend had 11 cents . A sheepherder picked us up and we slept on the desert that night . He took us to Pocatello and bought us some breakfast , which sure tasted good . He got us on the right road for Buhl . We would get a ride for a few miles , then we would have to walk again . All we had to eat were a few apricots . We finally made it after 2 or 3 days . I sure was glad to get a job sorting some spuds . They had a mule to pull the sorter . The people would pick the spuds and dump them on the sorter and I would sort them . They sorter didn 't have any wheels under it , it just had runners . After we got the spuds all sorted out , they didn 't have any money to pay me . They said that we could have spuds for pay . We took the car out and got several sacks of spuds . I gave them to my future in - laws as I was living with them at this time . I later got a job working for a man in Castleford for $ 15 a month as they would only pay a kid half a man 's wages . I would have to get up and help do chores and be out in the field by 7 o ' clock a . m . and work until 6 o ' clock that night . Once a week I would go to Buhl and take the whole family to a show . They had family ight once a week at that time . The whole family could go to the show for 50 cents . They all looked forward to this . A bull killed the man I worked for that summer . I quit Claude Browns , went back to Utah , and stayed there until spring . Then I came back to Buhl and started to work for Roy Fait . I helped them tear the old livery stable down . The West One Bank is located there now . I helped them put a miniature golf course in there . I mixed the green for it from sand , sawdust , and feathers . I can 't remember what we used to make it green . Then we had to use a heavy roller to smooth it down . This is when I bought my first car , a 1922 Overland . Rulon McMurdie and I went to the Shoshone Basin one day to hunt sage hens and on the way up my car quit so we pushed it to the side of the road . A day or two later we went back to get it and someone had pushed it down an embankment about 100 feet and we had to drive it down the canyon to get it out . I drove it back to Buhl and took it to a guy to have it fixed . He charged me $ 125 dollars and I couldn 't pay him so I just gave him the car . Rulon and I were working for a guy milking cows . When we turned them out of the barn , we would grab them by the tail , pull it over their back , grab a hand full of hide on their neck , jump on their backs , and ride them out of the barn . They sure would buck . We had a lot of fun until one stepped on my leg and I thought for sure she broke it . That ended the riding of milk cows . We were down fishing in the Salmon Canyon and my little dog was lying down just a little way from me . I heard a noise and turned around and there was a rattle snake . It had bitten my dog and a little while later he died . It didn 't take me long to get out of there . It sure did scare me . Rulon and I went duck hunting and a man came out to tell us to get out of there . We asked him who he thought he was talking to . He said , " Who are you ? " and I said , " I am the Game Warden . " He left us alone and we went on hunting . We would also stop cars for one light being out and tell them they had better get it fixed . I made a badge out of a piece of tin . They didn 't argue with me . I guess they thought I was a Traffic Cop . Rulon and I went trapping for muskrats on Deep Creek . There was a boat there and I got in it to go to the other side . I got almost in the middle of the creek and the boat tipped over with me in it . I thought for sure I was going to drown because I had a sheep skin coat and a pair of hip boots on . Rulon just sat on the bank laughing at me . I finally got out and thought I would freez to death because it was snowing and blowing . We couldn 't even make a fire because there wasn 't anything to burn so we got in Rulon 's old Model - T Ford with no top on it and drove home . I was sure glad to get to a warm house . We were coming home one evening and there was a truck load of apples ahead of us . I got the lariat rope and got on the front of the car . I was going to lariat a box of them and just as I got close enough to throw , they turned the corner into Buhl so we didn 't get any apples . Every time we would go down the road passed this man 's house , a mean dog would come out after us . I told Rulon the next time he came out after us , I would shoot him and sure enough , he came out after us and I shot and killed him . That night the sheriff came and said he wanted to talk to us . He took us up to the City Hall . The guy was there that owned the dog . We knew then that we were in trouble . He said I shot the dog and hit his boy and I called him a damn liar . The sheriff said , " none of that " and he got me by the shoulder and locked us both up in jail all night . We didn 't have anything to eat all that night and the next morning . Rulon 's mother and sister , Carrie , brought us something to eat . We sure were glad to see them . They let us out that afternoon . That really taught us a lesson to be good as we didn 't want to go to jail again . They just had the old iron beds and we didn 't have any blankets . That learned us to be good kids as I thought if that is the way jails were , we didn 't want any part of them . The government wanted me , and friend of mine , and some other men to round up wild horses , and drive them from Bliss , Idaho to Elko , Nevada . They corralled them there and shipped them out on a train . I don 't know now where to , but we didn 't go because this man 's wife didn 't want him to go . They said we wouldn 't be riding the same horse when we got there as we did when we left . I started dating Clara McMurdie when I worked at the golf course . We had known each other in grade school in Richmond , Utah . My sister , Carrie , married her brother , Lorus . They moved to Buhl , Idaho and that 's why I came to Buhl . I stayed in Buhl for a while and then went back to Richmond . I wrote to Buhl to ask Clara 's folks if we could get married . I thought if they said no , I was far enough away from them that they couldn 't shoot me . " Ha , ha ! " But they did say yes so my dad , my mother , and I went to Buhl and we got married at her parent 's home . They next morning we went back to Richmond to live . I worked on my dad 's ranch for 2 years . I packed groceries back in the mountains to my brother and brother - in - law on pack horses as they were up there getting wood out . We would put two drags of wood that we pulled on 2 horses and we hooked one drag behind the other so the other would hold it back going down the mountain . It just took one horse to drag it down the hill then we would get the bobsled and take it the rest of the way home . I used to drive a covered school wagon in the winter . It was a covered bobsleigh with a hole big enough to put the lines through to drive it and a little window to see through . I got a dollar a day for driving it . We had to furnish the horses , bobsleigh , and wagon . We lived with my folks in one small room of their house . That spring , we moved into a place closer to town . We only stayed there a little over a month because we couldn 't afford the rent ( it was $ 5 . 00 ) . So we moved back with my folks again . That fall , we moved into a little 2 - room log house . It cost us 6 dollars a month . It got so cold we couldn 't keep the rooms warm so we moved our bedspring and mattress out onto the kitchen floor . We nearly froze to death . You could see through the cracks in the logs . We only stayed there 1 week and we moved back with my folks again . We tried to get them to give us back some of our rent money and they wouldn 't do it . In the spring , our oldest daughter ( Sarah Colleen ) was born in the same house and same room that I was born in . We had to go and get the doctor in a white top buggy as the roads were too muddy . They wouldn 't get there in a car . That fall , I threshed the grain and got 50 dollars for my share . I also topped beets and made 35 dollars . This is when we moved to Buhl , Idaho . My brother - in - law , Lorus McMurdie , came down with his car and got us as we didn 't have a car . We moved in with my wife 's folks . They lived in an old hotel on 8th street . Lorus and I took two teams of horses and wagons and drove them up in the Shoshone Basin and cut wood . All we took with us to eat was spuds , bread , onions , fruit , and bacon . The spuds froze . We had to scoop the snow off the ground to put our quilts on the ground to sleep because we didn 't have a sleeping bag or tent . We would get cold , so we walked alongside the wagon and drove the horses . One of our loads of wood slipped off the side of the road . We camped there that night and reloaded the wagon the next morning . It was so cold , the edge of our quilt froze to the ground . We were supposed to get 3 dollars a cord for the wood ( split and cut ) . He never did pay us . I went to work for Jess Eastman . We walked to work and back . I had to be there at 7 o ' clock in the morning and work until 7 o ' clock at night . It was four miles down there and four miles back . If we were lucky , we would get a ride once and a while . We had to take our own lunch . Once in a while after I got home , I would go back to work at Shields warehouse shoveling clover seed in bins until 10 o ' clock or midnight and be ready for work again at 7 o ' clock the next morning . We lived with my wife 's folks in that old hotel . The next spring we moved down closer to our work . One night I came home and there were a bundh of people there and I couldn 't figure out why . I soon found they had a strawberry roan horse for me to break and ride . They said if I could ride it they would buy me a new cowboy hat . I put the saddle on it and snubbed it up to another horse . I climbed on her and they turned her loose . The first jump she made , my hat flew off and she tore every button off my shirt . She sure did some bucking and bawling . You could hear her for a half mile . She headed for a rock fence and Lorus , my brother - in - law , was on his horse . He tried to keep her away from the rock fence and his stirrup on the saddle broke and he fell off . When the horse got to the rock fence she turned and quit bucking . I rode her every day for three weeks and every time I got on her she wanted to buck . I won my new hat , but I sure did earn it ! I bought a fat cow for 10 dollars and butchered her . We didn 't have a deep freezer at that time so we hung the meat outside and hoped it stayed frozen . Some of it thawed out and froze again and boy did we get a belly ache . We sure did run races for the outhouse ( ha , ha ! ) . We didn 't have electricity or telephones . I finally got enough money to buy a Model T Ford for 25 dollars and we didn 't have to walk so much anymore . We finally moved ourselves down to Jess Eastman 's and I worked for him for 3 years . He didn 't have the money to hire us any longer , so we got me a job uptown sorting spuds for 15 cents an hour . We would go at 7 o ' clock a . m and sometimes work until midnight nearly every night . We finally bought the old shack we were living in for 50 dollars and moved it on a lot on 8th Street in Buhl . It cost us 15 dollars to have it moved . It was the first house on lower 8th Street in Buhl at that time . The house was 2 rooms and the walls were plastered with mud and straw . We took cheesecloth and old rags and pasted on the walls then we wallpapered over that and made it real cute . We had orange crates nailed on the walls for cupboards . We bought the lot next to us for 25 dollars . We just lived there a short time . Our son , " Bud " Lorus , was born . Then we moved to Castleford and I farmed for a guy for 30 dollars a month . He hired 2 other men to help me farm it . He paid one 15 dollars and the other 10 dollars a month and we had to board and feed them . He gave us a table and chairs for their board . We still have their chairs . We started breaking horses and we hitched them up to the wagon one time and they ran away . The lane they ran down wasn 't wide enough for the wagon as it was just a cow lane . They tore the wagon all to pieces and all they had left when they stopped was the tongue and front wheels . We stayed here for about a year and a half and then we moved and worked for another man for about a year . He made me mad as he didn 't keep his promise to give me a couple of heifers . I was bunching clover with a pitchfork and he came and told me he couldn 't give them to me . He promised me that spring that if I would stay with him , he would give them to me as a bonus and that fall he backed out on his deal . I told him I was going to quit and he said I couldn 't . So I showed him I could and left the pitchfork in the field and walked out on him . The next day we went to Utah and saw my folks . When we came back we moved again to Melon Valley ( known as Little Country Club ) . We only stayed there a short time until spring . I would walk to town ( about 4 miles ) to sort spuds as we couldn 't afford to drive the car . Sometimes we would stay all day waiting to work and they would come tell us that we wouldn 't be working that day and to come back tomorrow . It was cold and I was going to drive the car that morning . I couldn 't afford alcohol at that time as there wasn 't any anti - freeze in those days , so I put fuel oil in the radiator . It got hot and blew it all out , so I had to put water in it and drain it out when I got to work , then put more in it when I came home and cover the radiator with a blanket to keep it from freezing . I bought a cow for 30 dollars and had her for a while . Then I traded her for 2 heifers that were going to freshen . I took them to my father - in - law 's and when they freshened , he milked them . Later , I bought another one and let him milk her too for the milk as we had moved to Castleford . I worked for a man out there for 30 dollars a month and he wouldn 't let me keep them . I worked there for about 2 years and then we moved to Melon Valley where we rented a place from Stan Webber . We got 1300 dollars from FHA and bought some cows , a team of horses , and some machinery to get started with . We didn 't think we would ever pay it back as that seemed like a lot of money to us , but in 2 years , we had it paid off . It was a hard struggle and some of our horses died . One died with colic and one foundered on grain and died . Our cattle kept dying and we couldn 't figure out what was wrong . We finally found out they were eating wild parsnips . Another time we woke up in the night and saw the chicken coop was on fire . WE jumped out of bed and ran to get the neighbors . They came to help us put the fire out , but it was too late . It burned down the coop and one hundred little chicks . We had 6 hens setting outside the coop and they burned right on the nests as the dump things wouldn 't leave their nests . I had just went to town that day and bought one hundred pounds of chick feed and kerosene for the brooder as we didn 't have electricity . I had been sleeping out in the coop in order to watch the brooder so it didn 't get too hot . I decided to sleep in the house that night as they had been getting along so good . It 's a good thing I did or I might have been roasted with the chickens ! We used to go salmon fishing . Sometimes it was a lot of fun when they let us spear them . I went elk , deer , and antelope hunting as it was a lot of fun . We usually got our limit of game . I killed a big brown bear and had a rug made of it and a few years later , I got a little black cub . We had him mounted standing up on a frame . We rented the ranch for 3 years and decided what money we were giving for rent , we might just as well be buying it . We bought the one hundred sixty acres for 10 thousand dollars . We sure did raise some good beets and potatoes . We used to have good times there . Every Saturday night , there would be a get - together of the valley people . We would take our families and have a dance and potluck . We sure did have fun and the little kids would dance . We wouldn 't have to worry where they were or what they were doing . Our third child Clarene RaNae was born . After that my health wasn 't very good . I had to have surgery and we had to borrow $ 8 , 060 and mortgage everything we had to get the money . We bought a few more cows to milk as we figured that was the only way we could pay the money back . We had a hard struggle but we made it . We farmed and lived on that place for 21 years , then we sold it to our neighbor and moved to town where we are living now . I always tried to go fishing and hunting every year . One time , my father - in - law and I and about 4 others went in the Selway to hunt elk . WE got snowed in for 12 days . The guy that packed the hunters in and out lost 17 head of pack mules over a cliff as they tied one behind the other as they had to follow a narrow trail around the mountain . We asked the guy that lost them if he ever found them again . He said " Yes , everyone of them came home later on " . It was about 70 miles from where he lost them to where he lived . One of the hunters that he had packed in had a heart attack and died while we were there and all we had to get him out of there was my horse and the packers horse . We left camp at 7 o ' clock that night and didn 't get him to camp til about 7 o ' clock the next morning as the horses had to wade in snow to their bellies . We left him in one of the camps for 2 days until the forest service could get in to get him out . Another time we went in we rolled my two mules down the mountain . It didn 't hurt them . We got them out again . Another time two other saddle horses rolled down the mountain within about 30 minutes apart . It sure was steep , but we had a good time and would look forward to going back the next year . My father - in - law said I know I should not have came and maybe you would have got your elk and wouldn 't have got snowed in . We just laughed . The other time , I took my father - in - law fishing and we were in the boats . I cast my line out and didn 't think I case out far enough . When I reeled in , I had a pair of glasses on my hook . I couldn 't figure out where they came from . Dad felt his eyes and his glasses were gone . He said , " How in the devil did that happen ? I thought I felt something jerk on my ears " . We sure did have a good laugh out of that . He often talked about it and had a good laugh . I still don 't know how I ever hooked onto them without him knowing it . We sure had some good times together . One other time , we had been up to Galena Summit getting out corral poles . We were coming home and we had a horse in a trailer . A car was trying to pass us and she ran off the side of the road . It looked like she was going to hit a telephone pole . She swerved back onto the road and she it our car on the hind wheel and it threw the horse out of the trailer onto the front of our car . It hurt his back and he couldn 't get up so we had to shoot him . We used to take our children camping and fishing when they were little . Then came the grandchildren . We used to take them fishing and camping . We sure did enjoy having them with us . Now they are growing up and have their friends and activities . So now we just go alone . We sure do miss them but we still have our memories of the past . Would like to relieve some of the happy ones again . Had Ivan of lived one more month , we could have celebrated our 64th wedding anniversary as he passed away on the 22nd of September , 1994 . Our anniversary was the 22nd of October . He hadn 't been well for a long time as he got to where he couldn 't see to drive a car and was going to the doctor off and on for a year or two . They didn 't seem to know what was wrong with him until it was too late . They found out it was melanoma cancer of the rectum . They operated on him on January 18 , 1994 and they said they got 99 . 9 percent of it . They thought they had the worst of it , but he lived just 8 months longer when he passed away . We bought us a nice self contained trailer house . It had a propane refrigerator in it . It sure was nice , but we didn 't get to enjoy it very much as he didn 't feel like going . We bought it the year before . The last month , he sure suffered . We sure had a lot of memories behind us . A lot of them were good and a lot of them were bad . We wondered sometimes if we would make it . But I guess that 's the way life is . As they say , we have to have trials to learn to appreciate the good times and we had a lot of good times together . I sure miss them and him . But we still had a lot of good memories . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 60 When they got back home Christy went into her room and Brian went to his desk to read and answer some mail . Mrs . Romero came in . " Pardon me , sir ? " " Yes ? " " I have a list here . I thought if we got a turkey and a good ham ? " " Sounds good to me . What else >” " It 's all on the list here . " " Let me see . " She handed Brian the list . He looked it over and said " That 's fine , but should we have a wedding cake ? " " I make . " " Okay " Brian smiled . " When do you want to buy everything ? " " Two days . " " The day after tomorrow ? " " Si . " " All right I 'll see that you have the money then . " " Thank you . This will be good fun . " " I hope so . How many people do you need to help you ? " " Oh . Four I think , sir . " " Okay . " Later that day Wendy came and she and Brian talked about the wedding preparations . Then he said " I think things are going well with Christy . She called me ' Dad ' today . " " That 's good . She called me ' Mom ' the other day . " It was odd , you know , because I 've sort of felt like her father for weeks . Only it wasn 't official . It still isn 't . Do you think we are rushing into this thing ? I mean getting married before her relationship is settled ? " " Of course we 're rushing into it . That 's the fun of it . Do you love me ? " " Yes . You know I do . " " Then why wait . Don 't worry about the adoption . That 's going to happen . In fact Tom is saying once we 're married it will be even easier . " " Well , it had better happen . I took her down the street to that school , which looks very nice , and she agreed to let me enroll her there for the summer session . " " How did you talk her into it so quickly ? " " I had a little help from one of the students . " " Will she be able to make up her lost semester ? " " The administrator seems to think so . " " Somehow I have a hard time thinking of her as a school girl , she has been such a 24 hour part of our lives . " " I know . I feel somewhat the same waPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 59 They started back toward Brian 's house when he said " Christy , would you like to go for a walk in the park ? " " Okay . " When they got to the park they walked along and saw the women with their babies , sitting around talking with each other . Some of the older kids were playing on the swings and slides . Christy ran over and got on one of the empty swings and started swinging back and forth vigorously while Brian watched , When she saw a vendor with a push cart she stopped swinging and said " Brian , can I have an ice cream ? " " Sure " he said . She jumped off the swing and they went over to the vendor . Brian bought two ice creams on sticks and they sat on a bench and ate them . " Christy , back there at the school you said that I was your Dad . Is that true ? " " Yup . I don 't have any other Dads . You 're it . " Brian felt tagged . " Why am I your Dad ? " " Because you care about me . " A silent laugh came rising up in him like a big bubble . " Brian ? " " What . " " Would you ever do anything like that to girls ? " " You mean like what happened to you at Saint Jane 's ? " " Yup . " " No sweetheart , I never would . " " There was an older man there . He wasn 't very nice . He was mean . " " I 'm sorry about that . I 'm not that man . " " I hope he 's in the clink . " That brought back another memory to Brian . A nice one this time . [ " Well , the two troll brains I met are now in the clink . " " What 's the clink ? " " It 's slang for the jail . " " Oh . The clink . That 's a funny name . Why do they call it the clink ? " " I don 't really know " said Brian , " but I think it refers to the sound the metal cell door makes when it closes . " " Clink ! " ] " Well , Christy , I 'm sure he is , for a good long time . Maybe forever . " " Hope so . " " Did you make any friends while you were there ? " " No . I just wanted to get out . Soon as I got there . " " Well , you 'll make some friends at the school . " " I guess so . " " Sure you will . That gPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 58They got dressed and after Brian had a second cup of coffee they strode down the street to the school . They came to a beautiful , inviting modern building set back from the road , with a well kept lawn , a few trees and some bushes along the side . They went up the path and entered the building . Brian spoke to a receptionist inside , who then picked up her phone and said " There 's a man here with a child who wants to see the school . " Soon a woman arrived , nicely dressed and with a pleasant smile . Everyone was introduced and the woman led them through a door and down a hall to a series of classrooms . They peeked into a couple of the rooms and the woman explained what they were seeing . She then took them into an office and closed the door . She asked Brian if they were interested in enrolling Christy in the school . Brian was impressed by the way the woman , Clare , included Christy in the conversation as if her thoughts were important . Brian asked if the school had a fine arts program . Clare explained that one of their students had won first prize in an exhibit of paintings from all the high schools in Los Angeles . Christy was quiet . They discussed costs , curriculum and , yes , they had a summer program . Clare said " Pardon me for asking this but , since your last names are different , are you Christy 's father ? " " Almost " said Brian . " I 'm engaged to marry the woman who is adopting her . Christy lost her parents some time ago . " " He 's my Dad " said Christy . Brian explained how Christy had missed a semester of her 6th grade but that he felt she was very bright and would be able to pass to the 7th easily if she could make up the missed semester . Clare thought that was a possibility , with the proper tests . Clare handed Brian and Christy some literature about the school . Brian was relieved to see that there was no church affiliation connected with the place . After the interview Clare accompanied them to the door and said she hoped to see them again . Once outside they walked Posted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 57 " Let 's have a night cap and drink to it " said Brian . He made a couple of drinks and returned . " By the way " said Wendy . " If this adoption goes through , and it looks like it will with Tom on the case , after we 're married we will both be responsible for Christy . " " Mm . That 's true . " " I was thinking that we have to make sure she goes back to school . She 's missed a whole semester . We should find a good summer school for her so she can catch up . " " Well there 's a very good school , I 'm told , two blocks down the street . It 's a junior high and high school . It 's private . No nuns . " " That sounds good . " " Yeah , but the thing is I think we should make sure she goes somewhere where she can get some formal art training . I think it 's important and I think she would appreciate that . " " Can we check out that school , see if they have a summer session and find out about art classes ? " " I 'll look into it tomorrow . Wendy , thank you for thinking about that . It 's been so long that I 've been any where near a school it didn 't occur to me that she should be getting an education . " " I guess it 's a typical Mom 's concern " sad Wendy . That made Brian smile . Mom and Dad , he thought . 70 years old and I finally have a family of my own . Wendy spent the night but was up and out early in the morning . When Brian woke and came down for his morning coffee , he found Christy in the kitchen dressed in her swim suit with a grin on her face . After the good mornings were done he said to her , " Is somebody going for a swim ? " " Yup " she said . " We are . " After some breakfast Brian got into his swimming trunks and joined Christy at the pool who was sitting on the edge splashing the water with her feet . They spent a couple of hours together . Brian taught her a few more strokes and then had her try holding her breath under water . She finally managed to do it for almost a minute . " That 's very good " he said . " Next time you can try swimmPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 56MS You mean they die ? PF Well , that is the usual way of getting to heaven . None of us are holy enough to ascend like our Blessed Master did , although I wouldn 't be surprised if Mother Magda accomplished it when her time has come . MS Let me understand this . When they become 18 years old they die . Is that it ? PF When they become 18 , they are no longer children and so they are no longer of any use to us or our visitors , you see ? MS So they are killed . PF They are sent to heaven . MS How is this killing , this sending to heaven , done ? PF I am not permitted to know that . MS By whom is it done ? PF I told you , I 'm not permitted to know . MS But what do you think happens ? PF I assume there is a sacred ceremony of some sort , probably carried out by the men with the Holy Mother Magda presiding over it . MS And what happens to the earthly remains ? PF I don 't know . MS I have no further questions for you . Brian lowered the papers and said " Oh my God . Oh my God . . " " So now there is homicide on top of all their other crimes " said Wendy . " The police are inspecting the grounds around Saint Jane 's . If the locate a single corpse and it can be proved that death was caused by violence it will be all over for the defense . " " Why didn 't her lawyer stop her from telling all of this ? " " He tried , but Sanchez kept pressing and after a certain point it was useless . " " Those poor girls ! How could this have been going on for so many years ? " " I don 't know , but I guess there was some protection . After all , their " clients " were rich and powerful men . I 'll tell you I wouldn 't be surprised to know that there are other establishments like that , perhaps some for young boys , tucked into some place that 's in plain sight but undercover . As long as there are perverts there will be those that serve them . " " Unfortunately . And as long as there are religious fanatics , like Magda and those others , terrible things will be done . They justify it by faith in some twisted idea of deityPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 55PF Heavens no , not a slave . MS What then ? PF More like a household servant . A special member of the chief 's family . MS And you trained them in erotic arts specifically for that chief ? PF That 's correct . Mr . Sanchez I have to explain something to you . Our girls are not only given instruction in the erotic arts , as you so melodically describe it , but they are also given religious training . Every morning there is a religious service during which there is prayer and one of the sisters gives a sermon . We are very careful to see that the girls are taken down the right spiritual road , the road that leads to God , so that as they progress they will maintain a close association with our maker , continue to serve God and not be turned aside from the true path . That is a very important function of our order . MS I see . During the police investigation they found girls who were very young , and some teenagers . How can you possibly train the very young ones , they are little more than babies ? PF Oh , but the young ones are the easiest to train because they are so sweet and innocent , and they want to be cooperative . MS And some of the older girls have been with you a long time . PF Yes , that 's true . Some of them have regular visitors , you see . MS When these visitors come they pay you for the session . Isn 't that so ? PF Yes . MS What is the fee ? PF The contribution is one thousand dollars . MS So doesn 't that make those girls prostitutes ? PF Oh , my God no . The girls don 't receive any money for their services . That money goes to provide for the home , to cover its expenses , to provide for the girls and for the people who live and work there . We are a non - profit organization . We have no grants or public assistance of any kind . And the visitors don 't object to the price . They are satisfied with our services . MS One more question , Sister Priscilla . Why were there no girls over 15 years of age ? Surely your visitors would enjoy the company of some older , more experienced girls . PF No . The men whom GPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 54 [ Note to my readers . As an inexperienced writer , learning the ropes , I came across a problem that may confront many writers This and the next two entries were very difficult to write , as you will see if you read them . It represents a sub plot ot the entire Brian and Christine story . I was going to leave it out , but I feel it 's necessary to include . I know how much tension I was under when I wrote it because when I finished it my whole body began to relax . ] PF Well , being young they were inclined to be rambunctious and disobedient and thus needed a little discipline . MS Do you think torturing the girls was a little discipline ? PF Well it worked , and it really doesn 't hurt that much . MS Really ? I have one of those wands with me , Sister . Would you like me to show you how it feels ? PF No thank you . I 'm not being disobedient . MS When the police investigated Saint Jane 's they found two girls in the basement , naked and locked in a bare room . PF Those two were very disruptive and needed to be kept away from the rest of the group . MS But wasn 't there a better way to keep them separated than locking them in the basement ? PF No there wasn 't . Besides they were fed and their instructions continued while they were there . MS I see . Now the records show that men from various parts of the world have been coming there to have sex with these girls . Is that true ? PF We don 't know what goes on in those rooms . That is strictly between the girl and her visitor . MS But aren 't sexual favors the main reason your so - called visitors come ? PF That is what the girls are trained for , yes . So I suppose so . MS You say they are trained . Who does this training ? PF Why , the men of our home do it , as I told you . MS You have men who train these young girls in how to have sex with adults . Is that it ? PF Yes . MS Sister I don 't understand how you can possibly justify such activity . PF But what you don 't understand is that it is God 's work that we do . Our visitors are some of the most important men on eartPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 53 " Mrs . Romero I mailed out about 15 invitations , so if they all come with partners I figure it to be about 20 to 25 people . I didn 't ask for a reply but since it 's informal I guess we can expect at least that many . " " All right , sir . " " So make a list of what and who you think you need and I 'll see that that you get them . " " Yes , sir . " " Am I coming ? " asked Christy . " Are you kidding ? You 'll be the guest of honor . " Christy giggled . That 's a good sign , Brian thought . She hasn 't laughed around me since we got her here . " Are you ready for your swimming lesson ? " Yup . But first I gotta take a leak . " She got up and ran off to her room . After the swimming lesson and some lunch , Brian settled down at the keyboard , thought about Jane the cartwheeler and Crystal the Ice Angel and began to write . That evening Wendy came over and after Christy had gone to bed she took out a piece of paper and said " I brought you something to read . " She handed the paper to Brian and he looked at it . " Who 's Priscilla Fabricante ? " Brian asked . " She was one of nuns at Saint Jane 's . She agreed to speak to the police with a lawyer present . I think she thought she was defending the place but if you read it you see that she did anything but . Detective Mike Sanchez conducted the interview . Extraneous comments have been edited out . " Minutes of the Consultation with Priscilla FabricanteMS Now Ms . Fabricante … PF Sister Priscilla , please . MS As you wish . You claim that Saint Jane 's was doing nothing illegal or immoral and yet the police have evidence to show that approximately 30 young , underage females were being held by the establishment against their will and being forced to perform sexual acts with the men employed there . PF Oh , no . None of our girls were there against their will . They were all happy to be there . MS Are you sure of that ? PF Oh , yes . MS Then why did one of the girls feel it important to reveal to a judge what was going on there ? PF Well , she was brand Posted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 52 " You are cordially invited to the wedding of Brain Sims and Wendy Klein , Esq . at 2 : 00 P . M . Saturday , " etc . etc . Myron Bloom had flagged the invitations through the Silverstone print shop and they arrived in record time the next morning by messenger . Brian set about addressing them . They could have rented a huge hall and had an elaborate wedding with all the luminaries of Hollywood and the legal world , but neither of them wanted it that way . Brian , for one , did not want to join the carousel of Hollywood weddings which were shams at the worst and publicity events at best . Wendy had long past the blushing bride stage of life and as she had said " the marriage is more important to me than the wedding ceremony . " They even thought of taking Judge Parks and his wife off to some obscure place , like Buffalo Gap , and doing it there , away from any gossip . Instead they settled on Brian 's house with a few close friends and colleagues . While he was preparing the invitations , Christy was in the back yard with Juan , asking a hundred questions and getting a lesson in all the plants , bushes and trees of southern California . When Brian finished he went out back and said " Christy . I 'm going to the post office . You can come with me or you can stay here . Whatever you want . " " I 'll stay here . " " Okay . " When you 're 10 years old even a rose bush is an adventure , he thought . The post office was a few blocks away , so he walked there . On the way he saw a black limo driving by and he wondered , with a chilling feeling , if that could be the limo that took Christy away to Saint Jane 's . He knew it couldn 't be because the whole enterprise had been shut down by the law . Still it made him uncomfortable . He was very glad Christy was with him now and away from that awful experience . He knew that she was safe with Juan and , even though things may not be completely ironed out between them , he felt that Christy was doing her best to adjust . But he still also felt inadequate aPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 51 " Well , then , it 's time for you to have something pretty to draw . Tomorrow , if it 's a nice day , why don 't you go out in the back and see the trees and bushes . There are flowers . Juan keeps the grounds looking very nice . You 'll probably find something interesting to draw . " " Okay " she said . Now Wendy and Brian had a problem . Who were they going to invite to the wedding ? If they invited everyone they knew and they all came , there would be no room for them . " I want to keep it simple but I don 't want to leave anyone out " said Wendy . " What if we just rented a lot of chairs and tables and did it around the pool ? " " Well , that might work if we set up the chairs for the wedding and then had them mill around while we set up the tables . We could even put some of them in the backyard and inside . How many people are you going to invite ? " asked Wendy . " I don 't know yet . They 'll all be people from the studio I guess . How about you ? " " Well I have to invite Wong and his wife , and a few colleagues . Not too many . " " I thought I 'd send invitations up to Buffalo Gap although I doubt if anyone from there would come , it 's such a long way . " " Still , you 're right , it would be nice to include them . " " I spoke to the Romeros yesterday and Mrs . , Romero is doing some planning for the reception . She 'll tell me what she needs as soon as we know how many are coming . " " She 's going to need a lot of help " said Wendy . " Can she handle it ? " " This is the kind of event she loves . Feeding a lot of people is her pleasure . I 'll bring in cooks and waiters to help her . Don 't worry . " The next morning Wendy went off to work and Brian called Myron Bloom . " Good morning , Boss … . Fine … . That 's good … . I need a favor … . I need a bunch of wedding invitations ASAP … . I told you , I am … . to Wendy Klein … . How quickly you forget … . Yes , you 're invited . If you promise to behave yourself … . I know you never behave yourself , but I would like Posted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 50 Christy spent the weekend with Wendy . When Brian returned to his home he went to sleep quietly for the first in many days . The knot that tied him and Christy together had been chopped at but it wasn 't broken . There had been some growing up on both sides . There were wounds that were still healing . There would be scars . Brian knew that . But he already had scars on his foot where his toes had been and he was still walking . The emotional scars on Christy 's life were not going to prevent her from being the " amazing " child that everyone could see she was . In the morning Brian called Wendy to discuss some of the wedding details that still had to be worked out . Then he went and found Mrs . Romero to tell her that the wedding would be held there and that there would be a reception afterward . He said " Now , please tell me what you need and who you need to help you and I 'll make sure you have them . I 'm going to make up some invitations today so I can let you know about how many people to expect . I don 't know much about these things , so you think about the food and whatever else you think we may need . " " Oh , yes sir " she said . " Wendy and I are working out the details now . I 'll have more information for you as we do . " " Yes , sir . " " By the way , I think Christy is coming back to stay here soon . " " How is she ? " " She 's healing . " " God bless her . " " Indeed . " " I 'll tell Juan what 's happening . He 'll be glad . " " Thank you , Maria . " Brian left the kitchen . He went to his room , changed and dove with joy into his swimming pool . Monday evening Wendy and Christy came over . Christy brought a bunch of her things in a canvas bag with a picture of buffalo on it . " Where did you get that ? " Brian asked . " From Wendy . She got it for me . " " Well " said Wendy , " she was telling me all about the buffalo she saw and about the pictures she drew of them , when I saw this I thought she should have it . " " Christy , do you have some new dPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 49 " Of course , sweetheart . Let 's go over here and sit down . " They moved away from the front door and sat on a sofa . " I 'm sorry I was mean to you before " said Christy . " That 's okay , Christy , I forgive you . And I 'm sorry I put you through that awful experience . I didn 't know I was doing the wrong thing . " " I know . " There was a silence . Wendy saw them talking together and busied herself in the kitchen . " Those men were so nasty " she said . " I didn 't know people could be cruel , like that . " " Well , some people are , and it 's best to stay away from them . " " You 're not like that . Are you ? " " No . Of course not . " " Oh . " " Listen . You like Wendy , don 't you ? " " Yup . She 's cool . " " Do you think she 's like any of those nuns in that place ? " " No . She couldn 't be that bad . " " And Wendy likes me . So do you think she would if I could be like any of those men ? " " No . I guess not . " " I 'm not . " There was another silence . Christy was thinking hard . " Are you and Wendy really getting married ? " " Yes . We are . " " When ? " " Next weekend . " " Am I going to be there ? " " You better be . We both want you there . " " Then what ? " " Then there will be a reception , with a bunch of people . " " Where ? " " At my house . " " Oh . And then what ? " " What do you mean ? " " Is she going to go live with you ? " " Probably . Although I don 't think she will give up this apartment . " " Oh . " " You 're wondering what 's going to happen to you , aren 't you ? " " Yup . " After some more silence she said " I miss Flicker . " " I spoke with your Aunt Lydia the other day . Flicker is doing fine . She 's grown a little bit , but she 's very healthy , and she and the other cat … " " Smoky . " " … Smoky , are getting along just fine . " " Oh , that 's good . " " Do you want to go back to Connecticut ? " " I don 't know . I guess not . There 's no place for me to be there . Besides I like it here . " Posted by - 00 Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 48 The four of them gathered around the table . Wendy took the chair closest to her kitchen and said " I 'm here . You can sit where you please . " Allen and Felicity sat next to each other . Brian sat leaving a space for Christy between himself and Wendy . The dinner was simple but delicious : lemon chicken , mashed potatoes , broccoli , a California salad , fresh rolls and a fine local Chardonnay . There were pleased remarks all around . " Thank you . I 'm not much of a cook . I was a fast food addict in school and then my husband was usually on the road with some ball team . " " Oh , you were married before ? " asked Allen . " We both were " added Brian . " Mine ended in divorce , but it was many , many years ago . " " And my husband was killed in an airplane crash . Also many years ago . " " Oh " exclaimed Felicity . " How sad . " There was silence for a few moments . Then Christy came into the room and said " Hi . " " Here she is . Christy come meet my friends " said Wendy . Introductions were made . Christy walked around and shook hands with both of them . Then Wendy said " Christy , sit and have some dinner . They tell me it 's good . " " Okay . " She looked up at Brian , and then sat next to him in the remaining chair . Allen Parks tried to discuss the break up of Saint Jane 's and Christy 's part in it until it was obvious she didn 't want to talk about it . So he dropped the subject . The topic changed to the up coming marriage of Brian and Wendy . Simple details were discussed and plans were made . Brian noticed that Christy was paying close attention to that conversation , but she still wasn 't smiling . Not yet . After dinner they all went back into the living room for coffee and some fresh fruit . Christy went with them . When it was time to leave , they all stood up to thank Wendy for the meal . Judge Parks said that he saw no reason why Brian and Wendy couldn 't be very happy together and he was pleased and proud to marry them . As Wendy was seeing them out the door , ChPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 47 But Christy ran up the stirs into her room and closed the door . Wendy was standing there watching and Brian said " Maybe you should go to her . " " No , Brian , I don 't think so . She needs to be alone . " Brian was very perplexed . What 's she doing ? " " She 's probably crying . " " Why ? " " Because she loves you . " " Well if she loves me why is she crying ? That doesn 't make any sense . " " If you were a girl it would . " Brian was still confused but he deferred to Wendy 's wisdom . " Okay " he said . " Now come and sit down , have your drink and relax . " Brian sat but was not relaxed . Why do I always manage to say or do the wrong thing , he wondered . What did I do wrong this time ? I feel hopeless and useless . " I know what you 're thinking " said Wendy , " but don 't worry about it . She just has to sort things out in her head . And she will . You 'll see . " " I hope so . " They sat silently for a few moments and then the buzzer rang . Wendy crossed over to the door and pressed the speaker switch " Yes ? " " Mr . and Mrs . Parks at your service " came a voice over the speaker . Wendy smiled and pressed another button . She stood by the door for a moment and then opened it to let in Allen and Felicity Parks . Mr . Parks was in his fifties , with gray hair , a stern expression but with a twinkle in his eye . Felicity , his wife , was a slender woman with thinning ashen blond hair and a big smile . Introductions were made all around , seats were taken , drinks were made and distributed all around and conversation ensued . " So you two want to get hitched , do you " said Allen . " Yes we do " said Brian . " I think it 's just wonderful " said Felicity , " that the two of you found each other after all the years you 've lived . " " Thank you . I guess it is " said Brian . " How did it happen ? " she asked . " Wendy came to represent me in a legal matter and we hit it off right away . " " Wendy ? " " That 's about it " said Wendy . " Neither one of us werPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 46 He was interrupted by a phone call from Wendy . She said that she had spoken to Judge Parks about marrying them and he was pleased to do it , but wanted to meet Brian first , so she extended a dinner invitation to Parks and his wife for the following evening . " Did you check this out with Christy … . And what did she say ? . . . . Sounds hopeful … . Probably . … . Okay , what time ? . . . . I 'll be there , sweetheart … . Love you too . " Wendy had suggested he come early to give Christy a chance to adjust to his being there . Brian thought that was a good idea . But he wondered if it was going to be a strain on all of them . Maybe an informal situation would be better . Why am I being so cautious ? he thought . Any situation , just about , is a good one for them to be together . The time has come ! After all , we have both suffered through this latest disaster ; surely she wants to share in the recovery with me as well as Wendy . I 'll go to the dinner expecting good things and giving as much love as I can . Wendy 's apartment was a duplex , well and comfortably furnished . She had good taste , which was no surprise to Brian . She greeted him with a warm hug and kiss when he arrived at the time she gave him . " Where 's Christy ? " " Upstairs in her room . She 'll be down . Have a seat , have a drink . " Brian sat with expectation , watching the staircase . Wendy returned with a couple of drinks and set them down . Then she went to the foot of the stairs and called " Christy ? " " Yeah " came a voice from upstairs . " Come on down . Brian is here . " " Okay . " After a few moments Christy stood on a top step and then slowly came down the stairs . When she reached the bottom she stopped and looked at Brian . She wasn 't smiling . Brian stood up . " Hi Christy . " " Hi " she said . " Brian went over to her and said " Christy , I 'm sorry about the things that happened to you and I 'm glad that your okay . " He reached out to hug her but she pulled back . " No " she barked . " Don 't touch me . LeavPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 45Brian finished his cigarette , rose , saw in the distance the little girl doing cartwheels and then returned to his home refreshed . His anger had subsided . He thought that the day would come soon when all of the experiences he and Christy had shared together would eventually purchase enough recovery from her most recent nightmarish episode to allow her to appear back into his life once again Patience and compassion were the tools he needed now more than anything . Forget your toes , he said to himself , they 're gone . Forget the troll brains . Forget that bitch Mother Magda , the faux nun , and her " enterprise . " And if Lojak doesn 't want to do your film , then to hell with him . He 's not the only actor in Hollywood . Back home he wanted some companionship , so he went into the kitchen and found Mrs . Romero fussing with dishes and things . " Hello Mr . Sims . What can I get you ? A drink ? Some coffee ? " " Is there a pot on ? " " I put one on right now . " She did . Brian sat at the table and said " How are things with you ? " " Oh they 're fine Mr . Sims . Juan is out in the back working in the yard . Do you want to see him ? " " No , if he 's busy let him be . " " Oh . Here he is . " Just at that moment Juan Romero came in through the back door , took off some work gloves and said " Hello Mr . Sims . Is there a problem , sir ? " " No Juan , no problem . I just thought I 'd sit in my own kitchen , have a cup of coffee and some company . Will you have a seat ? " " Thank you , sir . " Juan sat at the table leaving room for Maria . " How are things ? " " Oh , fine , sir . I put some more fertilizer under that one palm tree that was looking not good . And I clipped the hedge . " " Sounds good . " Maria poured a cup of coffee for Brian and set it in front of him . " Will you join me ? " She smiled , poured two more cups , brought them to the table and sat . " When will be the wedding ? " she asked . " We don 't quite know yet . We have to wait for Christy to get adjusted to being away from that place sPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 44He leaned back in his chair and said to himself , I 'm angry that I have to be away from my home in order to avoid someone I love . I 'm angry that Launce Lojak doesn 't want to do my film . I 'm angry at Mother Magda and her whole bag of perverts . I 'm angry that I had to lose some of my toes . I 'm angry at the Buffalo Gap troll brains . I 'm angry that the badness of the world is getting in the way of the goodness . I 'm angry that I 'm tired and want to fold everything up and just go away . I 'm angry at the whole damn world ! Brian got up and went out for a walk . He walked for a long time down unfamiliar streets , not looking at houses or anything , just staring in front of him trying to think clearly instead of just fume with rage . He came to a big park with pathways , trees and benches . He sat down on a bench and lit up a cigarette . While he was sitting there a woman came along pushing a baby carriage preceded by a young girl , much younger than Christy , about 6 or 7 , Brian guessed . The girl was doing cartwheels , and doing them very well . She did one right in front of Brian . " You 're very good at that " he said . " Thank you . " " What 's your name ? " " Jane . " " Jane , " Saint Jane , Brian thought . The real Saint Jane . " Is that your Mommy ? " The woman with the carriage was approaching with a concerned look on her face . Brian waved at her . " Hi Mom " he said . " Jane , do you do cartwheels in school ? " " Uh huh . " " Gymnastics , acrobatics ? " " Yup . " " Tumbling ? " " Yup . " " You enjoy it ? " " Uh huh . It 's fun . " " Who 's in the baby carriage ? " " That 's my brother , Tommy . He 's brand new . " " Well , you keep learning acrobatics because it 's a good thing to know . Maybe someday you 'll be in the Olympics . " " Okay . " " And Jane ? " " Yes . " " Don 't talk to strange men . " " Okay . " The mother was standing and listening . She was smiling . " Thanks , Mom " said Brian . They moved on . ( To be continued . ) Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 43 " I 'm sorry . I sort of had Lojak in mind when I wrote tie script . " " Those are the breaks , kid . You 're good buddy Wong and I finally settled the dispute over the new SAG contract . The union is plundering us , as usual , but what can you do . You still hold a card ? " " Yes . " " Well maybe I 'll put you in the film and save a little money . How 's your young friend doing ? " " She 's doing okay . As well as she can under the circumstances . " " When are you going to bring her around here ? " " As soon as she starts talking to me again . " " Why doesn 't she talk to you for Chrssake ? " " She 's going through a thing about men , I guess . " " No wonder . Those bastards . I hear they 're getting themselves put away , one by one . Forever , let 's hope . " " Let 's hope . " " So what 's happening with you ? " " She and Wendy , my fiancée , are at my place swimming , so I 'm staying away for the day . " " So hang out . Go over to studio 17 . They 're shooting a fight scene with two macho gay stunters . It should be very interesting . " " Thanks . I think I 'll go to the library . " " Typical . " Brian left Bloom 's office , chatted briefly with Beatrice and then went walking around the studio lot feeling as if he didn 't belong there , or anywhere . He was always amazed at how many people there were involved in making a film , a " large paint box " Orson Welles had called it . He hoped he could bring Christy here one day . He knew he would have a lot of explaining to do because she would be so curious about everything . The thought of Christy made him sad . He wandered into the library which , as usual , was empty of all except the librarian , Janice Swarth , a quiet , friendly woman but one who never smiled . Brian chatted with her a bit and then went back to the shelves . He took down a few books on American History . He was basically killing time until he could return home , but he was also looking for an idea for another film . Something with fierceness , he thoughPosted by Brain and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 42 " Hello Christy … . Oh , I 'm okay . How are you ? . . . . Good … . What ? . . . . So I heard . Do you like it there ? . . . . Is Wendy treating you good ? . . . . When ? . . . . Hi Wendy . That was a brief , unexpected pleasure … . . Did you tell her to call me ? . . . . Did she put up a fuss about it ? . . . . Well , that 's good , if it didn 't crack the ice maybe it melted it a little bit … Is she still there by the phone ? . . . . . When ? . . . . Okay , I 'll go to the studio . What time will you be coming ? . . . . All right , I 'll let Mrs . Romero know to expect you … . Have you girls been having fun ? . . . . She has ? . . . . That 's good … . Did she have any nightmares ? . . . . Oh , well , that 's a good sign … . Okay … . I love you Wendy . Love you both … . Please tell Christy I love her … . Bye . " Brian hung up the phone and was pleased that he got to talk with Christy briefly , but he was still concerned because it didn 't seem that she wanted to talk to him . There 's a difference between real love and obligatory love . Brian didn 't want Christy to talk with him because she had to . When will the day be when she really comes to him because she wants to , when she doesn 't tag along after Wendy ? Wait , wait and keep loving , he thought . But his stomach was churning with doubt and frustration . At breakfast the next morning he told Mrs . Romero that Wendy and Christy would be coming over to swim , then went off to Silverstone Studios . When he walked into Bloom 's office , Myron was on the phone as usual . He motioned for Brian to sit and after a few moments hung up , looked at Brian and said " I hope you 're ready for some bad news . " " My whole life these days is bad news . What now ? " " Launce Lojak read your script , doesn 't like it and doesn 't want to do it . I 've been on the phone with his agent this morning . No go . " " Why doesn 't he like it ? " He said he doesn 't want to spend a whole film digging a tunnel and he says there isn 't enough fierceness in it . " " Fierceness . It 's a story about courage , bravery and ingenuity , nPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 41 Then Brian asked " Alice , according to Wendy they took everything away from Christy when she got to that place . Is there any chance of getting any of it back ? " " I can 't be very promising about that . Everything the police collected is being held for evidence , and apparently they collected a lot . But I will look into it for you >” " Thank you . I 'm so glad she didn 't try to bring Flicker along . " " Flicker ? " asked Alice . " Her kitten . Still safe and sound back in Connecticut . I recently spoke with her Aunt Lydia . " " Well , that 's good " said Alice . " Well , I think I have enough information to make a favorable evaluation of Christy 's situation . I 'll be in touch with you soon . Thanks for the tea . " Alice tucked her file back in her bag , gathered it up and stood . Brian and Wendy saw her to the door . Then Wendy said " Brian , I still have a lot of work to do for next week , I 'd better go back to my place . " " Okay . " They kissed . Wendy left . Early Friday evening Wendy called to tell Brian that Christy had moved in to her apartment and was glad to be there . She also said she felt it was important to stay with her over the weekend so she wouldn 't feel alone and abandoned . Wendy said she brought up the subject of the wedding and told Christy that we want her to be there . She said she got a noncommittal answer out of Christy . Wendy won 't bring up the subject of coming over to Brian 's house until later in the weekend . In the meantime they 're having fun together although Wendy said she misses Brian . " Same here " he said . They said their good byes and hung up . Thee weekend passed . Brian was pleased that Christy was out of that hotel room and with Wendy but he missed both of them so much he was having trouble thinking about anything else . He wanted to rework some of his stories so he turned on the computer . He found some places that needed work , but his writing was so common and uninspired that he was disgusted with himself . He kept wonPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 40 The next morning Wendy called Alice Foster and set up a time in the late afternoon when she could come and meet Brian and see where he lived . She also called Bloom and was told that since the publication of " People Talk " with the picture of Christy they have been overwhelmed with offers to adopt her . And they are still coming in . She had to go to her office to do some work but assured Brian that she would be back for Ms . Foster 's visit . Brian went through his house to make sure it was presentable and then sat down at his computer and tried to do some work . It was pointless . That afternoon Alice Foster arrived , a nicely but casually dressed woman of about 30 . She had an open case over her shoulder filled with papers . Wendy arrived at the same time . When they came in Brian greeted Ms . Foster with a smile and asked her if she wished a coffee or anything . She said " I wouldn 't mind a cup of tea if you have any . " " Wendy ? " " Nothing thanks . " " Okay " he said and headed for the kitchen . Wendy took Alice into the living room where they sat . Alice took the case off of her shoulder , put it on the floor and fished out a file . " Do you live here as well Wendy ? " " Sometimes . Since we 're engaged I try to spend as much time as I can with Brian , but my career keeps me busy . " " When 's the happy day ? " " It 's not settled . We want Christy to be there , so we 're waiting until this whole thing is straightened out . " " I see . " " I hope things get settled soon . Do you think they will ? " " Well , a lot of that is up to Christy . I must say I have been very impressed with her . She 's very respectful and cooperative even though she 's under a major strain . Some of the other girls assigned to me , give me nothing but trouble . Christy is amazing . " " Yes . Many people have said so . " Brian returned with a tray and set it down next to Alice . It had a cup of tea with milk and sugar on the side . " Thank you " she said . Brian sat down at his desk and Posted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 39 Brian put his head in his hands and sighed . " After I left the room " said Wendy , " I spoke with Ms . Foster to find out what we can do . I wanted to know what sort of therapy there was for someone in Christy 's position . She said the first and best thing for her would be to be in home with loving parents who would care for her and be patient with the healing process . I said ' Well , I can provide that ' but I had to tell her that Christy didn 't want to see you . So she asked me a bunch of questions about you . I answered them as best I could but there were some things about you I don 't know yet . " " Like what ? " " Well I met your sister and brother - in - law , and they are very nice people , and obviously love you . But I know nothing about your folks , where you came from , where you grew up . I only know that you were married once before and that you are a sweetheart of a man . " " Thank you . " " She asked if she could come and meet you and get to know what Christy would be getting into . I thought it was a good idea . So I said I would check it out with you and call her back . " " It is a good idea . Go ahead . What else ? " " I also asked her about counseling . But she said that , although there were professionals who are trained in this sort of problem , Christy would have to get in line as there were many girls to deal with and all of them had been at Saint Jane 's longer than Christy . Some of the older girls have been so brainwashed that they actually believe in what they were doing and are very hostile to the efforts to rehabilitate them . It 's a big , big hornet 's nest , the whole thing . " " Do you think Christy will ever want to see me again ? " " Yes . Because I know she loves you . She basically hates all men right now . She hates all men but she loves you . As long as you are ' all men ' she can 't deal with you . " " How long will that take ? " " Brian , don 't be selfish . You 're the adult , you can deal . " " You said that the older man was cruePosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 38 Brian thought again about the plane crash and how many people lost their lives , and how many loved ones were now mourning their loss , and he remembered that in spite of all the pain and trouble they had , he and Christy were still alive and he felt a rush of gratitude about that . Things will eventually get straightened out and healed . It is still time for patience and hope . He strengthened himself with that thought . It seemed impossible that he would ever get Louise and her friend out of that flooded cave , but he did it . It seemed impossible that he would ever get in touch with Cindy 's brother , but he kept at it until he did . It seemed impossible that he would ever make a decent living in show business , but again he kept going until he made it . It was impossible that he and Christy would ever make it out of that wilderness but they did and they would make it out of this one , somehow . The next afternoon Wendy showed up . She plunked her briefcase down on a table and flopped , exhausted into a chair . " You look like you could use a drink " said Brian . " Would you mind ? " He set right to fixing a couple of drinks . He handed her one with a smile and sat . She took a sip and then said " So , I suppose you want to know everything . " " Everything . " " Well , I saw her . She looks good . When I came in she was sitting on the bed , wearing some of the clothes we bought her , drawing on the pad we got her . When she saw me she jumped off the bed , ran over and gave me a big hug . She 's living in a hotel room . It 's a good hotel , the one they use for putting up juries when they have to be sequestered . I had a feeling that was where she was . Alice Foster is a very nice , smart woman who quite obviously loves kids . She immediately checked up on Christy to make sure she had what she needed and that everything was going well for her . We talked about the possib8ility of her coming to live with me and we even broached the subject of adoption . Ms . Foster was inclined to favor the idPosted by Brian and ChristineBook ThreeSaint Jane ' sPart 37 The next day , at lunch time , Wendy called to say that she got a message from Alice Foster . Christy had asked to see Wendy so they set it up for the following day . She explained that the judge was a lazy man , who was happy to adjourn the case on any pretext , so she didn 't think she would have any conflict at getting to Christy tomorrow . She said she would come by afterward and let Brian know how it went . Brian would have preferred to wait until Wendy could talk to him about Christy and what her future would be , but he felt obligated . So , with a knot in his stomach , he picked up the phone and dialed Connecticut . " Hello Lydia … . . This is Brian Sims … . I know … . Yes , I know … . No , the whole place is closed down and everyone has been arrested … . She 's okay , she 's safe … . Yes , the court is protecting her … . She 's in a safe place , under 24 hour guard … . I know … . Me too … . Well . It 's not your fault . We both thought we were doing the right thing … . Yes … . Yes , I know … . No , I haven 't seen her since that day , but my lawyer , Wendy Klein , who is also my fiancée , has talked to her and is going to see her tomorrow … . Yes . Then I 'll know more … . Yes it is … . Yes , it 's terrible … . She was very brave … . She could have been sent right back there . But the judge listened to her … . Yes she is , everyone says so … . Well , Ms . Klein is working on adopting her … . I don 't know … . Yes , it would … . Well , please don 't feel that way , Lydia . We didn 't know … . Yes , I will … . I certainly will … . How is your husband ? The last time we talked he was ill … . Much better ? . . . . Oh , that 's good . And how is Flicker doing ? . . . . Good . Christy will be glad to hear that … . . I 'll call you as soon as I know anything … . I promise … . Bye . " He was glad he made that call . Talking with Christy 's aunt cleared away some of the stress . But the waiting went on . His mind was working so slowly now . Brian felt old , and finished . He got up and made himself a drink , set it down on the table and lePosted by I am an actor and broadcaster . I am grateful to have spent my life in the arts . Now I also write and paint . I am humbly trying to overcome selfishness , it 's effects and regrets . I read history , philosophy , psychology and religion . My desire is to share what I have with the world while trying to make sense of a difficult life and enjoying the journey , no rituals , no rules , no summations . |
Dr . Cullen ended up being the one to find Edward nude in the parlor . He sent Emmett to get Edward a change of clothes . I didn 't feel the least bit guilty over what I 'd done . Edward deserved everything he 'd gotten so far . He hurt me and for that he had to suffer . I avoided everyone 's curiosity and headed upstairs to get ready for bed . Somehow I managed to get out of my dress without any help . I was just about to brush my teeth when someone knocked on my door . I set my toothbrush down so that I could answer . It was Alice and she was still wearing her dress . She sat down on the edge of my bed , wringing her hands together . I had never seen Alice so agitated . Usually , she was bouncy and full of excitement . The change in her demeanor worried me . After a few minutes of torture , she turned to me . " Bella , I love you but you need to lay off Edward . I 'm not exactly sure what happened between you two downstairs but he 's in bad shape . I 've never seen him like this . He had dried tears on his face when Carlisle led him away . Also , what you said at dinner was inappropriate . You really hurt him . " " So you 're on his side . Edward has said and done some reprehensible things to me . I was lenient with him . I believed that he loved me but he didn 't . He cheated on me when I needed him the most . Don 't paint me out to be the bad guy now that I 'm finally standing up for myself . I 'm glad that he 's hurt . I hope everything I 'm doing pierces his black heart . " She gaped at me with her mouth open . " I am not choosing sides . So it 's either Team Edward or Team Bella now ? I love both of you guys . You and Edward are having a baby together . It 's not healthy for a child to be brought up in such a volatile situation . I don 't know exactly what happened for you two to break up , but I do know that my brother is sorry . He 's seriously suffering . He loves you Bella , whether you believe it or not . You don 't have to go back to being his girlfriend but please treat him like a normal human being . " I balled my fists up and got in Alice 's face . She was my sister and I didn 't want to fight with her but the things she said made me angry . She made it seem like it was all my fault . I felt the familiar sting of fury prickling my fingertips . I pointed to the door . " Get out , Alice ! Go pacify your brother . You chose him over me and that hurts more than Edward 's words . I thought you were my friend . I thought you were my sister . " My pixie started to cry . " B - Bella , I wasn 't choosing anyone . You are my sister and my friend . Please just think about what I said . What time do you want to go shopping tomorrow ? Black Friday sales start early . " I turned away from her . I couldn 't stand to see her cry . I wished that the anger and pain in my heart would go away but it wouldn 't . I didn 't turn around until I heard the door close . I sat down on my bed and cried . I felt awful for treating Alice like that . She had been nothing but sweet and kind to me . She didn 't deserve to have my hatred spewed at her . I wanted to go apologize but I was scared that she would rebuff me . I went into the restroom and finished brushing my teeth . I didn 't like who I saw in the mirror . When did I become so mean and hateful ? I was always the one people counted on , everyone 's best friend . Now , I was a monster that hurt the people I loved . As expected , Jasper came to visit me . The minute I opened the door I could see the anger on his face . He was rarely cross with me . All of my life he had been my indulgent older brother . In his eyes I could do no wrong . " Alice has been nothing but a friend to you . She came to our room in tears ! You owe her an apology ! I warned you earlier that your anger would pollute you and it 's done just that . The old Bella would never have hurt her friends . The old Bella would have been able to see that Edward is sorry and has had enough . I know you 're pregnant and your hormones are going crazy , but that 's no excuse for this type of cruelty . You have to let your fury dissipate . It 's not good for you or the baby . " I ran into his arms . " I 'm so sorry , Jasper . I didn 't mean to hurt Alice . I 'll go apologize now . " He hugged me tightly to his chest before shaking his head . " No , give her the night . She is quite upset . Wait until the morning when you both have a clear head . Think about what I said , Bella . What you 're doing to Edward is wrong . Despite your feelings for him , he 's still the father of your unborn child . You need to apologize and discuss your future together . Even if you don 't continue your relationship , the baby will need two parents . I love you , Bells , and I 'm always here for you . " After Jasper left , I laid down with my thoughts . I was going to apologize to Alice first thing in the morning . Edward , on the other hand , didn 't deserve an apology . He was trying to make everyone think he was some perfect dad to be and that I was the mean one . They were all slowly taking his side . Well , they could believe his lies but I wouldn 't . O . T . E . D was still in full effect and it was about to reach fever pitch . When I woke up , it was well after eight in the morning . I showered and dressed . I hadn 't been shopping since I got to Seattle so I was still wearing tights . They were the only thing that fit me . I put on a black pair . I decided to wear the long sleeved red babydoll dress that I 'd gotten in Spokane during one of my rare shopping jaunts . The dress had a black bow that tied just under my breasts . I piled my hair up into a messy updo . My ankles were starting to swell a little so I went with my comfy flats . I looked much younger than I was in the outfit but it suited me . I grabbed my purse and some chapstick before going to find Alice . I met up with Jasper at the landing . I asked him where Alice was . He told me that she and Esme had gone shopping before five in the morning . It served me right . Alice was probably still mad at me . Jaz said that he and Dr . Cullen had a chess tournament set up for this morning but he could cancel if I needed him . I declined . He gave me a kiss on the forehead before joining Dr . Cullen . My stomach growled so I went to get something to eat . There was bound to be plenty of leftovers from last night . Turkey , stuffing , and cranberries sounded like a perfectly good breakfast to me . I rounded the corner to the kitchen . I forgot I was carrying my purse and dropped it . Before I could bend down to pick it up , a large hand retrieved it . Edward . " Good morning , Bella . You look very pretty today . Esme helped me make you breakfast bread pudding before she left . It 's already set up at the table . I hope you like it . " " I have told you over and over again that I will not eat anything you cook . Stop trying to get on my good side . You 're only embarrassing yourself . Now leave me alone so I can eat breakfast in peace . Didn 't you learn your lesson from last night ? I hate you . " Edward 's eyes narrowed . To say he looked good today would be an understatement . He was sexy as hell . He had a little stubble on his jaw . His bruised face was pretty much cleared up except for some discoloring around the eye . He was wearing navy blue khakis and a long sleeved v - necked striped blue and slate sweater . He looked like he stepped off of the cover of the Polo catalogue . I wanted to hop into his arms and let him pound me against the door . The urge made me gulp . " What you did last night was cruel , Bella , but I deserved it for how I 've treated you . I love you . I don 't care what mean and hurtful things you do , I 'm not leaving . " In the past I 've been weak and for that I 'm sorry . It 's my fault that our relationship has turned into this … monstrosity . It doesn 't have to remain that way though . You and our baby are my first priorities . No matter how many times you break me , I 'm going to keep trying to make you love me again . I don 't care if it takes the rest of my life . " His words brought tears to my eyes . It was hard to stay mad at him when he said stuff like that . I latched onto the image of him having an orgy with those blonde whores . That caused my fleeting anger to grow again . No matter how many nice things he did or said , he didn 't love me . Maybe he wanted the baby but he would never want me . It would be best if I kept my feelings the way they were when it came to Edward ; maybe then losing him wouldn 't hurt so bad . I walked past him into the kitchen . Of course , he followed me . He went over to the table and held the chair out for me . Breakfast bread pudding was one of my favorites but I wasn 't about to tell him that . I ignored him and warmed up some turkey and stuffing instead . I added cranberry sauce and then joined him at the table . I took the plate he had set out for me and put it on the counter so someone else could eat it . Edward frowned at me before digging into his breakfast . " Bella , would you like to spend the day with me ? We can go shopping , see a movie , and eat an early dinner . There are a lot of great sales going on today . I found this new bookstore that you would love . It 's made to look like a French cottage and they have an extensive collection . " " Why not ? I promise not to make you feel uncomfortable . We don 't even have to talk if you don 't want to . Please Bella , I just want to spend some time with you . " I shook my head again . He sighed and stood up . Slowly , he walked around the table and put a credit card in front of me . I stopped eating to glance at him . " That 's my American Express black card . Buy whatever you want . It has no limit . Rosalie is still here , so she can go shopping with you . If you have any problems with the card , call me and I 'll fix it . " How dare he ? Wasn 't he the one that accused me of using him for his money ? It would be a cold day in hell before I took any money from Edward . If he wanted to , he could buy the baby stuff , but I wouldn 't accept any gifts from him . I threw the Amex back at him . " Keep your damn card , Edward ! I don 't want a damn thing from you ! I 'm not a golddigger ! " He bent down to pickup the card . " Damn it , Bella , I know you aren 't a golddigger ! I made a mistake that night . I said things I didn 't mean because I was upset . I 'm sorry that you think I feel that way about you . " Here , " he pulled out his wallet , " take the whole thing . There 's cash and cards . Use whichever you want . Please buy yourself something . You 're going to need some maternity clothes . Let me pay for that at least . " I turned away from him and finished eating . Then I stood up to take my dirty dishes to the sink . There was no need to wash or load them because the help would do that later . When I turned around , Edward was still standing in the same spot . He had put his wallet away and was staring at me . I gave him the meanest glare I could muster . " I already know that I 'm gaining weight . You don 't have to remind me that I need a new wardrobe . I have a bank account and a job . I 'm perfectly capable of buying whatever I need . I 'm sure your other whores would be happy to accompany you on a shopping trip today . Please , go call one of them and stop trying to suck up to me . " Edward rushed to my side and lifted me into his arms . He shook me slightly . " Stop it ! This isn 't you ! I 'm tired of all this fucking anger ! You 've made your point . You hate me , I get it already . Let this shit go so we can move on . I 'm tired of begging you for forgiveness . You 're acting like a fucking brat ! " I kicked him in the knee . He wrapped his arms around my body so that I wouldn 't fall , because my feet were dangling off of the ground . Then , he gently rested his forehead against mine . He continued to hold me to his body . I could feel the rapid beat of our hearts . Edward 's breathing was ragged . I felt wetness fall against my face . He was crying . I had a strong urge to pull him closer , but I didn 't . I stayed limp in his arms , not returning his embrace . Edward released me . When I stepped away , I saw Rosalie standing by the table . She looked concerned . Colin and Brady were each holding one of her hands . I walked over and kissed the boys on the forehead . " I 'm fine Rose . Would you like to go shopping with me ? Esme and Alice already left and I don 't want to miss the bargains . " She nodded . " Just let me feed C and B here and I 'll meet you in the living room . Emmett can watch them for the day . " I heard Edward say something to Rosalie and the boys . They started to chat . I took that as my cue to leave . I went out on the deck to get some fresh air . I wasn 't there five minutes before Edward showed up . I remembered that Rose had once told me that she 'd love to drive his Phantom and get a look under the hood . Since she and I would be spending the day together , I decided to do something that would make her happy . " Edward , can I borrow the Rolls Royce ? Rosalie has been wanting to take it for a spin . I would appreciate it if you would let us use it to go shopping . I promise I won 't do anything to damage your car . " I thought that he would protest because I knew how much he loved his car , but he didn 't . He just took the keys out of his pocket and tossed them to me . I caught them . " Have fun , Bella . The Phantom is yours , too . I will have you a set of keys made . You can take it anytime you want . " He smiled . It didn 't reach his eyes . Then he turned around and left me standing there . His gait didn 't carry any confidence . He looked like a man that awaited the gallows . Some of the fire in my blood started to cool . Rosalie was elated when I gave her keys to the Phantom . She purred and petted the car like it was one of her kids . When she lifted the hood , I heard her let out a low moan . She was in heaven . I felt happy that I could do something nice for one of my sisters . Now , all I had to do was get Alice to forgive me . We took off and headed for downtown Seattle . Traffic was a nightmare . It seemed that everyone wanted to partake in the clearance prices . Rosie and I sang along to girl power anthems as we waited . She turned to look at me . " You must really be kicking Edward 's ass this week . I don 't think I 've ever seen Slutward so low . Even I 'm starting to feel sorry for him . " " I 'm not telling you what to do , Bella , but the guy is a mess . I know he fucked up and said some majorly disrespectful shit to you but he 's sorry . I talked to him in the kitchen and he asked me for help . I never thought I would see the day when Edward got his heart broken . " I snorted . " His heart isn 't broken because he doesn 't have one . He 's just pretending to care about me so he won 't upset Esme . I 'm sure by next week he 'll be back to his old self . " Thankfully , traffic started to flow so that we could avoid any further conversation . I stared out my window . There were families walking together holding shopping bags . Some were single mothers out with their kids . They had that annoyed look that you see on women 's faces when they have too much to deal with . Will I look that way after my baby was born ? The happiest kids were the ones that were with two parents . It didn 't matter whether it was two dads , a lesbian couple , or a woman and a man . I vowed to give my baby that sense of normalcy . Just because I hated Edward , didn 't mean I would keep him out of his child 's life . We pulled into the parking garage at Pacific Place . I had never shopped here before because it 's more of an upscale mall . A lot of men turned around to look at Edward 's Phantom . I would never understand the drooling that went on over cars . Rosalie parked and we got out . A short guy with cropped hair almost fell over when he saw us . She got up into the guys face . " Touch this car or think about touching this car and I will break my heel off in your ass . Is that clear ? " The guy practically sprinted from the garage . Rose was almost as good as Edward . I gave her props for being so brave . I usually ignored people who made comments like that . We took the elevator up to the Coach store . The clerks knew Rosalie by name . She asked for a bunch of things and people ran to get them for her . The purses were pretty expensive , so I sat down while she perused . Soon , she noticed that I wasn 't shopping . I blushed . " Um … I don 't really think I can afford any of the stuff in here . You enjoy . I 'll just sit here and read my book until you finish . " She looked at me like I took the short bus to school . " Bella , Bella , Bella , you do know who you 're dating , don 't you ? Your boyfriend is fucking loaded . " I nodded my head . " Yes , but that 's his money . I don 't ask him for anything . He already accused me of being after his money , so I don 't want to give him any reason to think I am . Besides , I don 't need a bunch of fancy things . I 'm perfectly happy with what I 've got . " " Yes , Edward . No , she won 't buy anything . Yes , I explained that to her . She says you called her a golddigger . God , Edward ! You 're such a fucking idiot . Yes , I will do that . Bye . " She sighed and came over to sit by me . " Bella , Edward gave me his credit card to use for you . I know you 're against it but I would feel better if you really shopped with me . If it makes you feel better , only buy stuff for the baby on his card . " I bowed my head in defeat . I was going to have to spend some of his money . Rose was right . As long as it was for the baby it should be fine . I stood up to go look at some diaper bags on the wall . A sales clerk helped me pick out a large black leather one that had the Coach symbol all over it . I only owned one designer purse and that had been a gift from Jasper . Rose bought almost all the new arrivals . She definitely didn 't have a problem spending Emmett 's money . She told me it was the least he could do for her after pushing out his two big headed kids . I giggled . When it was time to pay , Rose handed me Edward 's black card and his ID . She said he gave her both just in case there were problems . The clerk 's eyes widened when she saw the Amex . She tried to sell me some accessories , but I declined . The baby didn 't need a new wallet or umbrella . Next , we went to Tiffany 's . Rose saw several pieces she liked . She used her Blackberry to send pictures to Emmett . The things she took pictures of were possible Christmas presents that she might want . Most of the stuff was really over the top . There were so many diamonds that I needed sunglasses to protect my eyes . I flipped through the catalog until I found the necklace Edward had given me for my birthday . I gasped when I saw the price and it was . . . one hundred and forty thousand dollars ! I began hypervenalating . Thank god , I 'd given it back to him . That was way too much to spend on me . When I calmed down , I sauntered around the store looking at miscellaneous things . There wasn 't much in there that I could afford . A pretty diamond necklace in a flower shape caught my eye . I asked the salesperson if I could have a closer look . It was beautiful upon further inspection . I inquired about the price . The thing was over six thousand dollars . I thanked the clerk for letting me see it and then went to find Rosalie . She was buying an earring and necklace ruby set . It looked great on her . She asked me if I found anything I liked . I told her no . She raised her eyebrows at me but didn 't comment . After that , we went to some high end dress stores . I didn 't buy anything at those places either . I figured that I would have to wait until we got to the more domestic mall to buy jeans . I would be using my own credit card for that purchase and it did have a limit . The only store that we visited that held my interest was Barnes and Noble . It wasn 't like the independent book stores that I preferred , but they had a few things I liked . I bought some baby books and a baby calendar . Before the day was over , we visited Bellevue Square and Westlake Center . The latter had a few stores that were reasonably priced . I was able to purchase some new jeans and other things that would fit when I got bigger . Rose was upset because I wouldn 't use the card for any of my purchases . She threatened to tell Edward , and I told her to go ahead . The whole day I was eating . I ate everything from hot dog on a stick to sesame chicken . Luckily no one seemed to mind that I was eating in the stores . I made sure to stay clean and be discreet . I got to know where each bathroom on every floor was too . I swore that my kid was doing jumping jacks on my bladder . Rosalie was great company . She kept me entertained with stories of Em and the boys . She also helped ease my nerves about childbirth . I wasn 't sure what type of birth I wanted yet so her suggestions helped . We ate dinner at a new Thai restaurant before leaving the mall . Two guys a table away tried to flirt with us . Rose leaned in and kissed me on the cheek . We pretended like we were deeply in love by holding hands and staring into each other 's eyes . The guy 's mouths were hanging open by the time we left . We laughed all the way to the parking lot . On the way back , we stopped at a pleasure shop . Rose wanted to get some ' toys ' for her and Emmett to use later . I tried not to think of the two of them being intimate . Like Edward , she wasn 't shy at all . She knew what everything was before the salesperson could tell her . I wandered around the store trying to keep the deep blush off my face . I didn 't have a significant other so there was nothing to interest me - - that was until I saw something that changed my mind . Since Edward was the father of my baby , it would be all right for us to engage in intercourse . I quickly formulated a plan that would keep O . T . E . D going and get me laid . I grabbed the items I would need and hurried up to pay before Rosalie could see . I used my own credit card . I hid all the items in purse before going to meet her . I was beat after that last stop so we headed straight home . Emmett laughed . " Isn 't she supposed to be marrying your brother ? You look like you 're about to strip her clothes off . " Thankfully , Rosie slapped him on the back of the head . Alice and I chatted about what we 'd missed . Her shopping trip had gone well but she missed me . She was the one that asked Rose to stay behind because she thought I might want to go shopping . I hugged and thanked her for being so kind to me . I showed her my new baby bag . She liked it but insisted I needed more than one . Before long , Jasper came to join us . He was so happy that we 'd made up . Esme stopped by to give me a hug . She asked if I wanted anything to eat . I told her that Rose and I already had dinner . I spent almost an hour chatting with everyone . Carlisle was in full doctor mode , asking if I was taking my vitamins and eating properly . I showed him some of the books I bought and he agreed that they were helpful . Rose gave me Edward 's credit card and ID . She told me to return them to him . I asked Esme if he was still here . He was in one of the guesthouses . Jasper walked me out there and left me at the door . I knocked . Edward had obviously been sleeping . His hair was mussed . He wasn 't wearing anything except a low slung pair of pajama pants . His defined abs looked even better than I remembered . I wanted to lick down his body until I got to the prize . To say I was horny would be an understatement . I craved him . Well not him per se , but definitely his manhood . His eyes widened when he noticed it was me . I nodded . " I 'm here to give you back your credit card and I . D . I only made one purchase , and I plan to pay you back for that . " He glared at me . " Come inside , babydoll . You know damn well that you don 't have to pay me back for anything . Why in the hell didn 't you buy more stuff ? " I walked into the cozy cottage . There was a fire going . This particular guesthouse had two bedrooms and one and a half bathrooms . It was very cozy and comfortable . Of course Esme had decorated it so that it was gorgeous . Edward motioned me to the large beige couch in the corner . I handed him his cards . We stared at each other in uncomfortable silence . I decided that I would break the ice . He leaned forward . " Bella , you know I 'd do anything for you . What do you need sweetheart ? " I almost gagged on his fake sweetness . Edward 's eyes bugged out of his head . " Are you asking me to … Fuck , Bella ! You know you never have to ask . I 'm always willing and ready . " He tried to grab me but I moved out of his reach . " Edward , it would only be sex . I have rules . First , you can 't touch me . I will bind your hands behind your back . Second , we use condoms . I don 't know where your dick has been , and I won 't risk catching something . Third , you have to cover your face . I bought you a bondage hood that you can wear . I hate your guts , and if I had to look at you , I wouldn 't be able to come . And fourth , no kissing . It 's too intimate for what we 'll be doing . " He stood up to pace . " You don 't honestly expect me to comply to that list , do you ? I told you a million times that I 'm clean . I didn 't fucking cheat on you ! Why can 't you get that through your thick head ? Oh , and thanks for telling me you hate me for the millionth time this week - - that should do wonders for my cock . " I sneered at him . " Take it or leave it . You can follow my rules or no sex . I 'm sure it won 't be a great loss to you , because you 're a manwhore , but I 'm pregnant . I wouldn 't feel right sleeping with a man that wasn 't the baby 's father . " He pulled at his hair . " If another man tried to touch you , I 'd rip off his fucking dick ! You are mine whether you want to be or not ! I am not a fucking ' manwhore ' . You are the only woman I 've been with since we met . Fucking holy hell , I 'll take it ! If it 's the only way you 'll let me get close to you , I 'll take it . " My answering smile was blinding . " If you don 't have any objections , we can start right now . I 've been horny all day . An orgasm will relax me so that I can sleep . " " This is clinical sex , Edward . We both get off and then we go our separate ways . That means that you undress yourself , and I undress myself . " He mumbled some choice words under his breath but complied . Since he wasn 't wearing much , it didn 't take him long to get undressed . He spent the rest of his time watching me . I didn 't undress seductively like I would have done in the past . His eyes darkened when I finished . I pulled out a pair of fuzzy handcuffs and used them to secure his hands behind his back . Then I came around to the front and put a condom on his cock . I wasn 't sure what size he wore so I 'd just gotten the biggest size they had . It giggled because it fit . Edward continued to stare at me . When I pulled out the black bondage hood he shook his head . He was right . It covered up his hair and eyes and that 's why I 'd chosen it . I didn 't want to be reminded that it was Edward Cullen I was having sex with , but the hood did have a cutout for the mouth . This was something I wouldn 't compromise on ; either he wore the hood , or the deal was off . " We can 't do it without the hood , Edward . I don 't want to see your eyes . All you are is a human dildo to me . Either let me put it on you or I 'm done . It 's your choice . " Unfathomable sadness passed through his eyes . The look was so intense that I almost regretted what I was about to do . He lowered his head and nodded . I placed the spandex over his head and helped him lay down . I straddled Edward 's hips . His body squirmed . I licked and bit on his neck . He moaned . I leaned up so that I could put my nipples in his mouth . He sucked on them greedily before I pulled away . It felt amazing but I was determined not to make any noise . I didn 't want Edward to know how much I enjoyed having sex with him . By the time he finished on my breasts , my pussy was dripping . I glided his engorged cock inside me . It felt so good after all this time , which made me bite my lip to stifle the loud moan threatening to escape my throat . Suddenly , Edward thrust his hips , which drove his dick deep inside of me . He was hitting all the right spots . My walls clenched as I came hard . I couldn 't hold back the tiny noises that escaped from my mouth . I put my hands on Edward 's chest to change the angle , digging my nails into his skin . His words made me scratch harder . I didn 't stop there though . I pounded his chest with my fists . I continued to glide my hips up and down on his erection . The more I hurt him , the closer my climax came . I bit down on his neck leaving a mark . My hips moved at lightening speed . His dick was throbbing deep inside of me . With every downward motion , he would hit my clit . I felt powerful . Edward was whimpering below me but I kept hitting him . It was like I couldn 't stop . Our skin was slapping together at lightening speed . I used every synonym for the word hate . I called Edward the vilest names that came to mind . I rode him hard . After that , I rolled off of Edward . When I could move again , I threw on one of his nightshirts . Then , I went to the restroom to get some tissue . I used it to remove the condom and wipe off Edward 's cock . I 'd missed feeling his cum hit my walls . Next , I helped him sit up so that I could remove the handcuffs . He brought his arms in front and began massaging his wrists . I kneeled into him until I could touch his face . Then , I took off the bondage hood - - that was when I knew I had gone way too far . Edward 's green eyes were dead as silent tears were running down his face . His forehead was creased . He stared right through me . It was like he couldn 't even see my face . All of the hate and anger I 'd been holding inside disappeared . He didn 't deserve what I 'd done . I 'd finally broken him . He didn 't answer . The flood of tears were still flowing from his eyes mingling with the blood on his chest . There were scratches and bruises across his torso . I had done that to him . I excused myself to go pee . I ran to the bathroom , used the toilet , and cleaned myself up . When I got back to the room , Edward wasn 't on the bed . I panicked until I heard a deep sobbing noise . It was coming from the other side of the bed . Edward was sitting on the floor with his knees up to his chest . His head was resting on them . He had wrapped his arms around his legs and was rocking back and forth . A guttural noise was coming out of his mouth . I knelt beside him and touched his soft hair . " I 'm so sorry , Edward . I went too far . I don 't really hate you . Please , look at me . " Still nothing . I began to cry . The sounds that Edward was making were eating away at my heart . He was in so much pain and it was all my fault . If I had of listened to everyone and stopped acting childish , my Edward wouldn 't be hurting . " Edward , I didn 't mean what I said . I 'm so sorry that I 've been so mean to you . I 'm sorry that I did that to you . You didn 't deserve it . I still … I still love you . Please , talk to me . I 'm scared . " I gently massaged his scalp as I told him I was sorry multiple times . Eventually he lifted his head . I littered his face with soft kisses . " I 'm sorry , I love you , Edward , " I whispered again . He lifted his head and put it on my shoulder . I gave him one last kiss before helping him stand . Then , I grabbed his sleep pants and boxers . He put them on without a word . I led him to the other bedroom . We both laid on the bed facing each other . I caressed his cheek lovingly . " Edward , what I did … . I didn 't mean any of it . You are so special to me . You are the father of my baby . Please don 't give up on me . I 'm so sorry . I love you . " He pulled me closer to his body . " I would never give up on you . We have both done things that we 're not proud of but we still care for one another . I love you and our baby . We can get through this . " We sat there in silence just looking at each other for a long time . Edward fell asleep first . I kissed his lips and moved the fringe of bronze hair from his forehead . My fingers lingered on his cool skin . After awhile , I couldn 't keep my eyes open any longer and joined him . When I woke up , the bed was empty . I could smell something cooking in the other room . Of course I was hungry . I went to the restroom to do my usual stuff . When that was done , I padded into the kitchen . Standing in front of the stove was Edward . His chest was still bare and he had the sleep pants on from last night . I was mesmerized as I watched the way his back muscles strained over his skin . I drank him in like he was a fine wine . When my eyes lowered to his backside I almost swooned . I had to fan my face because it was so overheated . I was kind of worried about approaching Edward . I had been horrible to him yesterday . Maybe he wouldn 't want to see me at all anymore . The thought of not seeing him made my stomach hurt . I turned around to go back to the bedroom . This was too hard . I couldn 't do it . I turned around to face Edward . He was smiling brightly . His emerald eyes shone like beacons out of his face . I was shocked that he was being so nice to me . I walked over to the table . Edward stopped what he was doing and pulled my chair out for me . He even kissed me on both cheeks . Edward knelt down in front of me . He clasped both of my hands in his . Our eyes made contact and I was lost . My heart rate doubled . With his long copper eyelashes and dark pink lips , he looked like an angel . " I 'll tell you what 's for breakfast if you do me a favor . " I nodded . " May I see your stomach ? " he asked hopefully . My blush was so deep that I probably looked like a stop sign . I knew that I had no reason to be shy around Edward but after last night , I couldn 't define our relationship . Regardless , he looked so adamant that I wouldn 't have denied him anything . I still had on one of Edward 's sleep shirts , so I had to stand up to reveal my stomach . Luckily I 'd put my panties back on this morning . I felt kind of silly standing in the kitchen half naked , until I saw Edward 's face . He stared at me , like my body was something to be worshipped . He trailed his fingers along my lower abdomen . Then , he placed his whole palm on my stomach . The sensation was strangely erotic . He quickly replaced his hands with his lips . He lightly kissed and caressed my entire stomach . He flicked his tongue into my bellybutton . I had to clutch his head to keep my balance . " Hello , baby . It 's your Daddy . I can 't wait to meet you . I love you so much , " he cooed , while rubbing his cheek against me . My heart melted into a puddle of water . The moment was just so perfect . My hormones got the best of me causing me to cry . My tears fell in Edward 's hair . He stood up and pulled me into his arms . I buried my face in his chest . " Edward … there 's … . we have … . there 's so much to talk about . We … need … . we need to make plans . It 's … so overwhelming . " He put his finger over my lips . " Hush . We 'll talk after you eat . Right now , let 's just enjoy each other 's company . " " We 're having scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast . I hope you don 't mind but I ran to the main house and got some leftover bread pudding . There 's also lots of fresh fruit , " he announced . My mouth watered with the descriptions . I was so hungry that I could have eaten the wooden leg off of the table . Edward finished cooking . I waited in anticipation as he made me a plate . The bread pudding smelled even better than it did yesterday . The dishes that Edward set in front of me looked more suited for a museum than a kitchen table . He had meticulously placed everything so that it was visually pleasing . " Edward , this is too beautiful to eat . How in the world did you learn to cook and do all of this ? Don 't get me wrong , I appreciate it , it 's just amazing . " When I looked up , he was staring at me . He actually looked … shy . The Edward Cullen I knew was never sheepish . " I am learning to cook for you . My mom has been teaching me a few things . I also watched a bunch of tutorials on Food Network and bought some cook books . I 'm still not great at it but it took me less tries than before to make the eggs . Oh , and thank you for the compliment . " " Why ? Why would you suddenly learn to cook ? I can feed myself . I 'm not ungrateful ; I just don 't want you to feel obligated … . " He shut me up by stuffing a spoonful of pudding in my mouth . " Babydoll , you 're my girlfriend and you 're pregnant . The least I can do is prepare a meal or two . You 're giving me the greatest gift on Earth . Let me feed you sometimes . I love you . " I wanted to talk more but once the food gates were open , they couldn 't be closed . I ate with relish . Everything was delicious . Edward kept glancing over at me and smiling . His face lit up every time I touched my stomach . It was cute . After breakfast , I went to shower . Edward wanted to join me but I told him that it wouldn 't be such a good idea . I stood under the hot water letting it ease the tension out of my muscles . I shampooed my hair twice because the strawberry scent calmed my nerves . Edward 's behavior was confusing . I had expected anger or indifference but had gotten love instead . He even called me his girlfriend , which I didn 't think I was anymore . I contemplated his attitude as I took my prenatal vitamins . Thankfully , when I got to the bedroom , Edward was gone . There was a bag on the bed containing one of my new pairs of dark skinny jeans , underwear , and a white cowl neck sweater . I smiled because I knew that Alice was the one to bring it . I dried off and then hung my towel over a chair . As usual , he didn 't listen to me . He began walking to me . I backed up until I reached the wall . He leaned down and kissed my forehead . He laid soft kisses all over my body from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet . My bones turned to mush . His lips left an electric sensation everywhere they touched . " I 've wanted to do that for months now babydoll . Your skin is so fucking soft . I 'm going to take my shower . Wait for me . " He exited the room , whistling happily . That was weird . I still wasn 't sure why Edward was in such a good mood , but I wasn 't complaining . I dressed and went into the living room to wait on him . My mind was going crazy with the thought of everything to come . We had a lot to discuss . I would be having a baby in six months , so we didn 't have much time to resolve our problems . By the time Edward came out of the bedroom , I was a ball of nerves . He was dressed in jeans and a green sweater that brought out his eyes . He suggested that we go to the meadow to talk . I grabbed two thick blankets and some snacks that we could take with us . Edward insisted on carrying it all for me . Our walk to the meadow was quiet . We were both just taking in the surroundings . The day was pretty chilly but it wasn 't raining . We ended up at the swing . I traced my fingers over our initials in the tree . We had been so happy and in love that day . Edward noticed what I was doing and came to stand beside me . I didn 't know how to respond so I turned away from him . He took my hand and guided me to the swing . I sat down and let him push me . It was nice . He never let me get too high . I found myself giggling when he picked up the speed . My dad used to push me in the swing when I was little . It was one of my fondest memories from childhood . Eventually the swinging stopped . I looked behind me to see Edward staring at me intently . I blushed under his scrutiny . Even though we had sex , if that 's what you could that mess that happened last night , I hadn 't been around him in a while and felt a little self conscious . He slapped himself on the forehead . " Fuck ! I 'm not good at this shit . If you tell anyone I said that bullshit , I 'll tickle you to death . " I was too stunned to even reply . Edward was being very romantic . He had said such things before but after our breakup , I was afraid that he didn 't feel them anymore . All of his actions were confusing . We spread our blanket in front of a nearby tree . Edward pulled me into his lap and smoothed the extra blanket over the two of us . He wrapped his muscular arms around me . I was in heaven . It was so cozy that I was on the verge of falling asleep . My pregnancy made me tired all of the time . I was amazed that I didn 't fall asleep at the mall yesterday . I laid my head on his shoulder . The warm smells of vanilla , sandalwood , and amber surrounded me . It was Edward 's scent and it calmed my nerves . I inhaled greedily . Edward 's arms dropped from around my waist . I moved back so that I could look at him . I knew he was going to be angry but the look in his eyes was so cold . I couldn 't hold back the shudder that racked my body . " Motherfucker ! All this fucking time ! It 's like a traitor party going on lately . Who 's next ? Is my tailor a Fed ? Is my maid a hired spy ? I can 't take anymore of this shit ! Everyone is a fucking liar ! I 'm going to clean house . If someone can 't be accounted for , they 're going to fucking disappear . The Volturi can 't have this shit . Alec was my fucking bodyguard ! " I knew what was coming . He was going to blame me . It would hurt beyond words . I put my hands over my face to stifle my sobs . I shouldn 't have started our talk with this information but I didn 't want us to have secrets . I wanted to clear the air so that we could talk about personal problems , which would never happen if he got too worked up . I tried to stand up , but before I could , Edward grabbed my arm . He pulled me back into his lap . He kissed my lips softly and rubbed small circles on my lower back . His touches lulled me into a blissful peace . " Edward , I 'm so sorry about everything . I swear to you that I didn 't know until I moved to Spokane . The day before I came here , Alec knocked on my door . He confessed everything . His unit is dirty . They 're taking payoffs from James and the Russians . They … they … want to goad you into going after James . They … are planning on him … ki - killing you and saying it was self defense . Alec came to me because … because … he wants me to get you to promise … promise not to kill him for his betrayal . Edward squeezed me so hard that I yelped . He loosened his arms a little but not by much . " Fuck Bella ! Do you know what this means ? ! How serious it is ? ! That fucker James is not getting near you or me . I will have to beef up security and warn my godfathers . I 'm so fucking sorry that this shit was put on your shoulders . Don 't worry about anything . I 'll take care of it . " I was still surprised that he wasn 't mad at me . I had fully expected him to throw a full on tantrum . It didn 't escape my mind that he hadn 't said anything about what would happen to Alec . The man had saved my Edward 's life . I owed it to him to return the favor . I kissed Edward 's rigid jaw . He trembled with his anger . It was a tangible force that surrounded us . I kept kissing him until I felt his body relax . He looked down at me . His eyes were wide . " You don 't know what you 're asking me babydoll . Alec betrayed me and my Organization . In my world , that 's grounds for death . I can 't just let it go . I don 't know how much information he 's gathered . He could be dangerous to all of us . " I shook my head . " No ! He told me that they never had anything on you or the Volturi . He was sent to take down HADES and Demetri . He said you were too powerful to get to so they had to go after your right hand man . Now that he knows his unit is bad , he doesn 't care about the investigation . He 's not a danger to you . " The curses that poured from Edward 's lips made me want to cover my ears . " Bella , I have to deal with this . The Volturi have every right to sentence Alec to death . He lied before . How do you know he 's not lying again ? I 'm sorry but I can 't save his life . " I was hysterical , so I crushed my lips to Edward 's and begged him over and over again to let Alec live . I knew that he 'd messed up by going after the Volturi 's business , but he didn 't deserve to die . I decided to use the only ace I had . " If it wasn 't for Alec … if he hadn 't of taken that bullet , our baby might not have been conceived . I got pregnant that night in the lair after we returned from Italy . Alec saved your life and possibly mine too . You 're a powerful man Edward . Don 't do this for me . Do it for our baby . If you truly love our unborn child , you 'll save Alec . " Edward twirled a lock of my hair around his finger . He appeared to be in deep thought . I silently prayed that he would make the right decision . I felt guilty about what I 'd just asked him but if it saved Alec 's life , it was worth it . " You 've given me no choice . You know I 'd do anything for you and our baby . I give you my word that I won 't kill him and I won 't let anyone else kill him . He will have to be punished , though . He will no longer be my personal guard . I 'll probably have to make him go underground , so he 'll be safe . You don 't know the headache that this is going to cause , but I 'll do it . There 's nothing I wouldn 't do for you . " He reached into his pocket to get his cell phone before calling Demetri and asked him to pickup Alec . I listened as he explained everything I 'd just told him . Demetri wasn 't pleased . I could hear his angry voice screaming obscenities . Edward made him swear not to hurt Alec . Dee promised that he would wait for Edward 's orders . After the phone call , Edward pulled me back into his arms . " Babydoll , I won 't let anyone hurt you or the baby . Nothing bad will happen to you . I 'll make sure of that . In the meantime , I insist that you move into my Penthouse . " I shook my head . He grabbed my chin and looked me in the eye . " I will not negotiate on this Bella . You 've just asked me to go against my way of life for you . Now I 'm asking you to trust me . You can have a separate bedroom from me if you want . You can even decorate the place to your liking . I vow to protect you and our baby from any harm - - to do that , I need you close to me . " I accepted his offer . He was right . My main priority was to protect our baby . If that meant living with Edward , I would do it . Besides , I had been planning on moving back to Seattle anyway . " There 's just so much Edward . It 's overwhelming . I … I … need to officially quit my job in Spokane . Then I need to find a job here so that I can pay you rent . I don 't have many things but I want to keep my bed . Then there 's … . " He shut me up with a kiss . " Bella what in the hell are you babbling about ? I don 't need rent money . I own the fucking building . There 's no way I 'm charging the mother of my child to live with me . If you really want to keep working , you can come back to the club . That way I can keep an eye on you and you can see all of your friends again . Don 't worry . I 'll take care of everything . I 'll call someone to go to your apartment and pack your stuff . I 'll have it delivered to our Penthouse tomorrow . " It was all happening way too fast . I had my doubts about living with Edward . That was a big step in a relationship . Of course our situation was different because of the baby , but still it seemed like we were moving fast . " Edward living together is a big step . We … we need a lot of help before the baby comes . Our relationship is … pretty extreme . I don 't want you to feel like you have to do this . I know how you feel about children . I would feel guilty for uprooting your life . It wasn 't your fault I got pregnant . I should have asked questions before I took those pills in Italy . Don 't feel that you have to … " That 's as far as I got before Edward pushed me back and straddled my waist . He was careful to keep most of his weight off of me . He looked like a dangerous predator as he leaned down and claimed my mouth . The kiss was full of lust . He coaxed my tongue out and claimed it . I gripped his shoulders to keep myself from floating away . When we cooled down , he spoke . " Babydoll , I love you and Baby Swan - Cullen . You 're not making me do anything I don 't want to do . I don 't blame you for getting pregnant . I 'm ecstatic that I 'm going to be a father . I know my views on kids haven 't been the best in the past but I 've changed . The minute I found out that the baby was mine , I began to feel a sense of euphoria . There 's nothing I would rather do than raise a family with you . I know that we have lots of work . We 'll go to counseling . We 'll get the help we need . I promise to make myself worthy of your love . You didn 't uproot my life . You enhanced it and gave it meaning . Without you , I 'm nothing . You , our baby , and our future are all that matter to me . As long as we 're together we can do anything . I love you . " " I love you too Edward . I … I think it would be best if we took things slowly . We should just be friends for a while . That will give us both time to work on our … relationship . I agree that we should go to counseling . I 've been so mean to you these past few days . It … it … was just that I was so angry after what you said that night on the deck . Then when I thought of all the other times … I … I wanted to make you hurt as much as I did . I 'm sorry . I should have been more mature . Can you find it in your heart to forgive me ? " " I 'm the one that has to ask for forgiveness . I hurt you so many times and yet you still love me . I 'm so sorry for all the cruel words I 've said to you . I 'm sorry for putting tears on your beautiful face . But most of all , I 'm sorry for making you think I didn 't love you . I want to spend the rest of my life making up to you . I deserved everything you threw at me and that was why I took it . You had to get your anger out so you could heal . I would never deny you that . I promise to never hurt you again . From now on , I only want to put smiles on your face . If there is something wrong , I won 't jump to conclusions . I 'll sit down and talk with you . I have faith in our love for one another . Let 's vow to leave all of the bad stuff in the past and start over . Is that okay with you ? " I sniffled , wiping my eyes . " Yes , I . . . I want us to be happy too . I love you , Edward . Our baby will be better off with parents that love each other and have a strong relationship . I do have to ask one thing . We . . . shouldn 't have sex . I 'm not saying we won 't ever be intimate again . I just think we need to work us before we go there again . " Edward 's answering groan was so loud that the tree shook . " I think that 's a bad idea . There 's no reason that we can 't still make love . I 've been going crazy without you . I swear to you that I never fucked those whores or anyone else . And when you say no sex , does that include touching and oral ? Please , don 't make me do this babydoll . I 'll have to take so many cold showers that I 'll die of hypothermia . " I had to laugh . From the way that he was pleading , you would have thought his life depended on the matter . It would probably kill me to not be intimate with Edward but I felt that this was what we needed . I believed his admission that he never cheated , but that didn 't mean that we could just go back to the way things used to be . Everything was different now . It would do Edward and me some good to reacquaint ourselves with each other . I kissed his pulse point before answering . " Edward , I love you so much . I trust you . I know that you would never cheat on me . That doesn 't mean we can go right to where we left off . Let 's just try being friends right now . We have a baby coming , and that should be our main priority . " Edward protested for several minutes until he saw that I wasn 't going to change my mind . He huffed , and then grunted , before dropping the subject . I felt his big hand slide into my pants . He cupped my bare buttocks . I pushed away . " Shit , you can 't … how am I … Fuck ! You are going to kill me Bella . I should at least be able to cop a feel . Fuck ! Okay , I agree to your terms . The minute you change your mind just jump on my dick and ravage me . I don 't care what I 'm doing at the time . " I giggled and slapped him on the chest . We stayed in the meadow for hours . The time was spent filling each other in on what we 'd been doing during our time apart . It was nice just being there with Edward . I fell asleep in his arms . When I woke up , I was in the main house . Edward wasn 't with me . I wondered if he was in the guesthouse . It was dark outside , which meant I had slept most of the day away . I sat up and turned on the bedside lamp . I was really hungry but I didn 't feel like getting out of bed . I had one foot on the plush carpet when someone knocked . Esme , Rosalie , and Alice all shuffled into the room . Ali and Esme had smiles on their faces . Rose simply looked curious . I looked down at myself to make sure I wasn 't glowing or something . Why would they all be here ? Esme answered my silent question . " Bella , dear , I 'm so happy you 're awake . When I saw Edward carry you into the house , I was worried , but then he explained … and … it 's just so wonderful . I 'm glad you two are back together . " I didn 't have the heart to tell we were just friends so I just smiled . She hugged me and then went to get my dinner . I could tell Alice wanted to talk so I looked at her . " Oh Bella , I 'm so happy . You and Edward belong together . Your baby is going to be beautiful . I can 't wait to help you decorate the Penthouse . I 've wanted to do over again for months but Edward wouldn 't let me . We can go on a major shopping trip to buy stuff . It 's going to be so much fun . Edward has so much room . I can make a nursery . Then there 's that sunroom … " Rose put her hand over Alice 's mouth . I laughed as Rose threatened to tie Ali up . My sisters were wonderful . I never thought I would have such a large family . I rubbed my stomach and thanked god for sending me the Cullens . Esme brought me a dinner of lasagna and salad . I ate while the girls talked about babies and decorating . My mind was too busy thinking about Edward and our day in the meadow . I did manage to chime in with a few suggestions of my own . Eventually , Jasper came by to retrieve his overzealous fiancee . He told me about his talk with Edward . They made up and everything was good again . Jasper was going to continue to work at HADES . Esme informed me that Edward requested that I be brought to the Penthouse tonight . She and Dr . Cullen were supposed to drive me there . It was a little after eight at night . Edward must be planning for me to sleepover . I was both nervous and elated . I packed my necessary things and then met Esme and Carlisle at the car . I read one of my new books the whole way there . When we arrived , Carlisle pulled into Edward 's private garage . We took the private elevator to the top floor . I would never get over the opulence of Edward 's building . It was very secure and expensive . I shuddered to think what a simple one bedroom would cost in this building . The Penthouse itself was massive and had a great view . To think , I , Bella Swan , would be living here was like a fairytale . Dr . Cullen and Esme stayed with me until Edward returned . We were watching a movie when we heard him come in . I sprinted for the door eager to see Edward . He wasn 't alone though . I recognized his companion immediately . " Felix , " I squealed , as I wrapped my arms around him . He awkwardly patted me on the back and kissed my hair . I heard Edward hiss at the display of affection . I guess Caveward wasn 't dead after all . I let go of Felix before Edward pounced . The Cullens said their goodbyes . Carlisle whispered something in Edward 's ear before he left . I didn 't ask what it was about because it wasn 't any of my business . I told Felix that I was pregnant . He was very happy for Edward and me . Surprisingly , he knew a thing or two abut babies . We talked , well I talked and Felix listened , until Edward sent him on an errand . I went into the kitchen to get a granola bar . I felt Edward 's strong arms wrap around my waist . I leaned back into him , letting myself completely relax . He bent down and kissed my neck . " You smell so good babydoll . I missed you . I had some business to take care of today . Alec sends you his gratitude . He says that he 's indebted to you for life . I can 't tell you where I sent him but know he 's alive and safe . You 're an amazing woman Bella . I have a surprise for you . Let 's go into the living room . " He took my hand and let me to one of his large leather couches . We sat down . Edward went to his office and when he came back , he was holding a gift bag . He sat it down next to me . I tried to refuse but he shut me up . With nervous fingers , I pulled out the first item . It was a black baby 's shirt that read : ' too cute to play with your ugly ass kid ' . I laughed , realizing that it was meant for the baby . It was just the thing Edward would buy . I kissed him soundly . " You , Daddy Edward , are going to give our child an ego the size of Jupiter . I love it though . You even picked a color that can be used for a boy or girl . " He beamed at my praise . The next gift was for me . It was a maternity shirt with the image of a baby over the stomach . The picture was formed from the words ' I love you ' in several different languages . It was beautiful . I began to cry . Edward pulled me into his arms . I kissed his jaw . " Silly Edward , I love it . Thank you so much . It 's perfect . I 'm just crying because I 'm happy . " He continued to pat my back until I calmed down . There was one more gift in the bag . I pulled it out . I gasped when I saw the familiar blue Tiffany box . " No Edward , I gave it back . It 's too expensive . You should have told me that it cost over a hundred thousand dollars . I can 't wear something like that everyday . " He gave me his puppy dog look . After that , I couldn 't refuse . I opened the box . Inside was the diamond flower necklace I 'd seen that day at the mall . It was even prettier than I remembered . Edward removed the necklace from the box . He turned me so that he could place it around my neck . I felt the cool platinum settle on my chest . It wasn 't heavy at all . Edward kissed the back of my neck . Then he turned me around to face him . " Rosalie saw you looking at the necklace . She took a picture and sent it to me . I knew that you 'd never ask me for it so I took matters into my own hands . You are giving me something that is priceless . Nothing is too expensive . You deserve the best babydoll and I 'm going to give it to you , whether you want it or not . Besides , it fits you . The diamonds are in bloom just like your body . It looks lovely . " I ran to the bathroom so I could look at myself in the mirror . It was beautiful . Since it wasn 't too ostentatious , I could wear it everyday . I did a few twirls before returning to Edward . He was smirking at the baby tee . I straddled his lap . We kissed until we were both panting . " I take it you like your gifts . " I reached up and pulled his hair . " Christ , don 't do that babydoll . My cock is hard enough as it is . This no sex thing seriously sucks . By the way , I still have your Jubilee necklace . I 'm going to give it back to you . You can wear it on special occasions if that makes you feel better . " We spent the rest of the night talking . I cooked steak and potatoes for our late dinner . Edward didn 't want me to but I bribed him with kisses . I didn 't want us to sleep in the same bed but Edward insisted . I agreed , because honestly , I wanted to be in his arms . I changed into a blue sleep short and cami set . Edward groaned when he saw me . I just kissed him on the lips and pulled the comforter over us . We fell asleep spooning . I woke up a couple of times during the night to pee . Edward was frantic every time . I had to assure him that it was normal for pregnant women to go to the bathroom a lot . That helped him relax a little but he still stirred every time I left the bed . When I awoke , I was still in his arms . He was already up and playing with my hair . Of course , I had to pull myself away to go pee . I used the time to brush my teeth and wash my face . When I got back , Edward asked me what I wanted for breakfast . I chose blueberry oatmeal and he went to make it . I still couldn 't believe that Edward Cullen was cooking for me . I dressed in a pair of black yoga pants and a red tank top . My boobs had gotten bigger and filled out the tank quite nicely . I was going to go braless but then I thought of Edward and change my mind . If he saw my puckered nipples , my no sex rule would be out the window . I left the bedroom . My mouth was watering with the thought of breakfast . Surprisingly , Edward was standing by the front door instead of in the kitchen . A huge guy with bright red hair was speaking to him . The man was even bigger than Emmett . When I got closer , I noticed that there were several other guys behind that man . They were all impressively built . No one had noticed me yet so I decided to turn around . Since Edward had guests , I wanted to change into something more appropriate for entertaining . I briefly wondered why he hadn 't told me that people were coming over today . Before I was halfway to the bedroom , I heard something that knocked the air out of my lungs . sydnybowenDecember 31 , 2010 at 4 : 24 PMim happy Bella sorta took EdwaRD back ! they are just too cute together . . and all i have to say about those last 8 words are ' OH CRAP ' ! ReplyDeleteJennJanuary 12 , 2011 at 6 : 53 PMOh man , yeah , the masked sex was definitely too far . It broke my heart to see Edward sobbing by the bed afterward . I was afraid it was too much and Bella totally broke him . Thankfully he survived it . I definitely want B & E to survive all of this crap and be a happy family . I loved the shirt for the baby . My kids would 've definitely been rocking that shirt if I 'd found one like it . I 'm afraid to know who 's arresting Edward . ReplyDeletekenzersmomFebruary 4 , 2011 at 2 : 45 AMdamn alec better not be the one arresting ed . . . damn it they get back together and then they take him away i can 't read any more i have to get up in 3 hours for work . . . i am going to be on pins and needles and not be able to sleep ! ! ReplyDeletekerriFebruary 21 , 2011 at 3 : 21 PMOMF i hate what bella did to edward i know he said so hateful things to her but what she did to him was i all time low hitting him & saying those god awful things was making her climax i had to stop reading coz edward reaction just broke my heart i think he forgave her to easy imo but i guess he thinks he thinks he deserves it i hope she goes a bit easier on him now hes sufferd enough by her hands i hope alic isnt behind him arrestedReplyDeleteEvelyne - raconteNovember 29 , 2011 at 5 : 25 PMI was totally ok to let Edward suffer even a lot after what he have done to Bella , but Edward crying after the masked sex makes me nearly crying too . She has gone very far for revenge . Somewhere he has touched his own medecine . She really wanted to broke him and she succeded . Anyway , I 'm glad that they are back together . You are very talented , thank you for sharing your wonderful imagination with us . ReplyDeleteAnonymousMay 21 , 2013 at 12 : 44 PMWow , bella is so vindictive and immature ! She is the same in LAMTAF 2 . . Its does become hard to take her behavior irrespective of Edward 's faults . He atleNewer Post |
I borrowed in the sheets , warm slippery , and felt her touch . She traced her finger from my ear to my lips and placed a kiss there . She must think I 'm still asleep . What did she mean ? I am awake . Wait , what was that ? I ignored the sound that tickled my awareness and focused on her smell , her voice . I cracked my eyes open and there she was , enclosed in light . No , not light , a glare . The sun shone in the window behind her and surrounded her face like a halo , making it hard to make out her features . Tom flew out of bed shaking off the remnants of his last dream with difficulty . At first he wasn 't sure where he was , but the moment it came back to him he was running to pole right behind Jack to get their turnout gear . The chief was shouting orders and men were scrambling . A few minutes later they were on a call to a burning barn outside of town near the interstate , just a few miles from the truck stop . It was an old building , no livestock , no people , no electricity , no gas ; just a lot of old straw and wood . By the time they got there the damage was done so they secured the area and put out what was left of the barn . " Old barns go up like this and they 're gone in minutes . Like matchsticks , " Jack was saying . As they walked around watching the last of the smoke rise from the rubble . " It doesn 't take much . " Tom just nodded . He knew too well how old buildings went up in flames and the shadows of last night 's dreams , nightmares rather , kept him from commenting . The chief was talking to the Deputy Smithson and pointing toward the roadway then back to his clipboard , and the deputy was nodding and writing his own report . Tom nodded and sighed , " Yeah , I know . " He had been dreaming of Beth and Kat a lot lately , sometimes one , sometimes both . Sometimes he relived the details of Beth 's death . " How much do you hear ? " Tom didn 't want to talk about Beth again , explain everything all over again . It was painful enough to dream about it , but forcing himself to relive it while conscious was a dangerous thing . He had to answer the questions so many times after it happened to the police , to the doctors , the shrinks , his parents , her parents . When he started talking about it the guilt showed through . He didn 't want the people in his new life to see that . He decided to keep it simple . Not for long anyway . Nobody knows what anyone feels in that split second when the initial snap happens , before oblivion , but she never felt the burns . He didn 't go into the details of the con man that got away ; the gas leak , the arguments about inspections , first with her and later with his own father . They had an old gas stove and when Beth had said she smelled gas he thought it was from the burner she was about to light . He was standing in the open front door , just getting home . The next thing he knew he was on the front walk and his jacket was on fire . It didn 't register , though . All he could see was the house in flames , the open doorway laughing at him , smoke spewing out in mockery . He heard the sirens down the street . Why weren 't they in there ? How long was he out ? What was taking so long ? He sat up to go in the house himself and was held down by something . It was on fire , too , heavy . The door ? Using all his strength he flung it off himself and literally peeled his melting jacket off his skin . The smell made him want to gag , the pain was blinding , but he took three deep breaths to push down the gorge and surged to the house . The heat coming up from the floor was blistering . He looked toward where the stove used to be , but she wasn 't there , either . The roof was caved in and everything was on fire . He stumbled toward the living room , the opposite direction of where she was . If the blast blew him out the door maybe she was thrown clear , too . The smoke was choking him , his throat dry and scratchy , and he thought back to grade school . Stop , drop , and roll . Crawl below the smoke . Feeling with his hands he found something soft and warm and tried to roll it over or lift it , but it wasn 't her . He was losing his vision , his eyes far too dry to tear up , the inferno was hot , taking him . His back , arm and shoulder felt oddly cool where he peeled off his jacket . He kept creeping along the floor and he finally found her . He could hear shouting outside , far away . He rolled over her body , black with smoke , her eyes were wide open , face charred . His heart broke . " No , Beth , " he whispered , and felt at her throat for a pulse , listened for a breath , but the roar of the inferno drowned out everything . He wanted to get her out of there , but he was afraid of hurting her , afraid to touch her burns again . He lied down next to her and tried to yell for help but the air just rasped in and out of his throat , unable to make a sound . He tried to answer but just choked . At least choking was a sound , he thought and choked again . He raised his arms tried to get someone 's attention . He didn 't know how long he lay there holding her arm . They weren 't going to find them . He thought he should close his eyes and just let sleep take him , but his eyes were already closed . He later woke up in the hospital , a tube down his throat , bandages covering his right arm , shoulder , and part of his neck . His mother was there holding his hand , making soothing sounds and pushing back his hair . It was brief , but he registered that Beth wasn 't there and gladly gave himself over to unconsciousness again , praying for death . The next time he woke there was no tube , but the bandages were still there , an IV coming out of his left hand dripped clear fluids . The lights were low , and his mother was asleep in the arm chair converted to a bed . He didn 't want to wake her so he just lay there , trying to remember exactly what happened . Was Beth dead ? He knew she was or she 'd be here with . Unless she was too injured to come , she would be there . He knew she was dead . He will never forget the perpetual look of horror on her face , the eyes permanently open and the skin charred around them , the frozen , unnatural grimace of her lips . Tom nodded and said , " Yeah , well , it was a few years ago and I got a fresh start and some therapy . I 'm fine . I just have dreams sometimes . Not much I can do about that . " " Yeah , my jacket caught on fire and when I went to take it off it had melted to my skin . No other burns though . It was a gas explosion in the kitchen . We had just bought this old house to flip and had it inspected and everything . I was standing in the front doorway with it still open when it happened so I was thrown from the worst of it . Unfortunately , my wife was the one who was lighting the stove . " " Yeah . I found out later that the entire house should have never passed inspection . We got conned by a phony inspector , but he was long gone before it happened so nobody ever found him . In fact , we never even found out his real name . " Tom decided not to go into the details that followed . His father blamed him because he hadn 't taken his advice on which inspector to use . Tom went with the cheaper one he heard about from the realtor ; a new one in town trying to get more business . He needed a clean slate here , no animosity , no blame . He had heard that question before . " No . Like I said , it was a couple of years ago and I got therapy . I 'm fine . " They kept walking toward the area the chief pointed near the road . sure enough there was a set of footprints . They looked like they were made from a men 's set of snow boots . They led to a spot in the gravel at the side of the road and where fresh tire tracks marred the smooth gravel . Tom was uncomfortable . Actually that was an overstatement . Here he was , riding in Kat 's father 's huge truck and heading to her parents ' house . It was too late for that now , as they were pulling into a gravel driveway that led down a lane the length of two football fields to a huge red house . It was the image of a mid - western fairy tale ; the American dream in full glory . He wasn 't sure it existed anymore , but then again , that was one of the reasons he moved here . Whoever built the house some hundred and fifty odd years ago had good taste and he wondered if it had always been in her family . As they got closer he saw that the driveway wrapped around to the back of the house and gravel thinned out to blacktop toward the barns and silos . They kept going on around and parked in front of the garage . Tom got out and held the door for Kat and closed it behind her . She still looked frazzled , her hair was limp with sweat and cold , and her face was pale except for the red rimmed eyes . He instinctively felt like wrapping his arm around her to protect her , keep her warm , but thought better of when her father came around the back of the truck with the dogs and did it himself . The dogs took off in the direction of the barns off to harass cows or whatever it was that was creating that smell . Tom was pretty sure he had never seen anything so awkward as a one - eyed , three - legged Jack Russell Terrier running around a farm . The wrap - around porch opened to a wide set of stairs with pots of dirt on either side . Tom imagined they would be filled with some kind of flowers in the summer . Kat and her father were already heading in the back door so Tom took the steps two at a time to catch up . What he wasn 't ready for was the wonderful smell of baking garlic bread , chili and cinnamon . His stomach instantly growled , but he tried to ignored it when a woman in her fifties flung her arms around Kat . She had shoulder - length brown hair and seemed a little shorter than Kat , though she hunched a little . He remembered that he had already met Kat 's aunt and grandfather at the McNicol 's Hardware store and instantly saw the resemblances . " Oh , honey . Come in and sit down , you look terrible , " Mrs . Foster guided her to a chair at the large wooden table and crouched to her knees the way she would to a child . " What 's been going on ? Did they catch the guy ? " " No , they don 't know who it was . Jason said it was probably someone looking for cash since I couldn 't find anything missing , " Kat replied . Tom could see , feel a little tremor run through her and wondered if she would repeat the scene from the vet 's office . " Well , just to be safe I think you should stay here tonight . " Kat 's mother stood up and kept a hand at Kat 's cheek . " Just to be safe . Or to help your mother sleep . " Startled , Tom nodded , smiled and extended his hand , " Yes , nice to meet you . " Why did everyone say that ? It should be Hi . It 's very awkward to meet you . Did you know what I planned on doing with your daughter this afternoon ? " Come sit down and have some chili , " she said after shaking his hand , then walked over to the stove . " I hope you like it spicy . That 's all we have here . We just want you to know how grateful we are that you are an EMT . If it had been anyone else at that house when Kat fell off the railing they probably wouldn 't have know what to do . " " Steve , don 't you think it 's a little early for that ? How do you know he wants a beer ? Maybe he wants a lemonade , " Kat 's mother started again . Tom had just been about to pick up the can and take a swig but now he was frozen , didn 't know what to do . They were both looking at him waiting to see which way he would go . In that split second he felt like running and screaming for his life . " Now , boys , you know the rules . You have to eat a whole bowl of chili before you can play outside , " said the woman coming in behind them . She was followed by a tall skinny guy with a Red 's baseball cap with blond curls sticking out underneath . The ' boys ' , as she called them , all gathered at the table and chose seat . All but one , that is . " I 'm Jake . I 'm seven . How old are you ? " Jake had a lisp that was typical of a kid who has a front tooth missing . Tom glanced to the other side of Kat 's father and saw that seat occupied by another blond boy of about nine . Realization hit him then that this was Kat 's family . He noticed that the woman with the high pitched voice looked a lot like her , but maybe a little shorter and a little more rounded at the hips . Tom immediately felt guilty for putting the little guy out , but he didn 't seem any worse for wear when Kat poked his side and he let out a howl of laughter . Still , Tom got out of his chair and pulled it out from the table giving about a three foot gap . Then he walked behind Jake 's chair , lifted it with him in it , and placed it beside his grandpa , Jake giggled the whole time , relishing in the attention . Tom then put his own chair , bowl , and beer on Kat 's other side . Tom winked and took his first bite of chili . It was spicy . Tom could taste the usual stuff : tomatoes , beef , beans , onions , green peppers , then he bit into one chunk of pepper and the inferno was released . He took another swallow of beer and coughed a little . Kat ducked her head as if to hide a giggle and her sister snickered . " I 'm so sorry , Tom . I should have warned you . My mom 's chili wins the Spiciest Chili Award every year at the fair . " " Mom , I 'm hungry , " Jake started and then it was chaos as Claudia , Kat , and their mother bustled around the kitchen to get bowls of chili , bread , and drinks for everyone . It was loud as Kat asked each boy what drink they wanted and they all answered at once , and Richard and Steve started up their own conversation . The noise was incredible , but comfortable , practiced . It was a familiar routine ; a mother and two daughters walking around seemingly chaotically , but never bumping into each other . Tom couldn 't help but be mesmerized by the dance . Suddenly , it was as if Kat could feel him watching and she slanted a glance at him and perhaps swayed her hips a little more . Or perhaps it was his imagination . He reached down to take another swig of beer only to find it empty so he began to focus on his chili instead . The last thing he needed was her father beating him to a pulp for ogling his daughter in his own kitchen . Right . They 're all here to comfort Kat because her house was broken into . Well , that 's why he was here , too . Only he didn 't feel like he was doing much comforting . He was the tag - along . The outsider . He didn 't know how to interact with this family that was apparently ruled by women . He had a family once . He supposed he still did , even if they weren 't here . It wasn 't their fault anyway . They didn 't even know where he lived now as he hadn 't been home in over a year . Actually it was a year ago at Christmas , but he had left because it was too painful . His brother and his wife and their little family . It had all been too much to watch their happiness when his own had been ripped from him . His brother could take over the construction business from their dad ; he was better at it anyway , more interested . His only regret was leaving his mother behind . She told him repeatedly that it wasn 't his fault . His father disagreed . If he had done the inspection himself he would have realized the problem right away , but he had hired a professional to get the house approved for purchase . The gas leak had seeped through all the vents , through the whole house … Tom nodded back . He had forgotten . It 's been his regulatory four days off so he starts bright and early for his next twenty - four hour shift . Earlier in the week he didn 't know how to fill his time , but it went faster than he anticipated . Normally , free time was not his friend . It allowed his mind to wonder in the dark shadows of his memories . It was a good thing Jack stopped by ; Tom 's motorcycle was not the best on snow drifted roads and he had been unable to ride it recently . One , it was freaking cold outside , and two , it was freaking cold outside . A motorcycle couldn 't haul all the wood and building materials he needed to fix his new house . He would need a truck . The house really needed fixed , too . The owl on the second floor would be the first thing to go , then the floorboards and broken railing . Basically , the whole thing needed gutted out . He started thinking about renting a Dumpster when Jack waved a hand in front of his face , snapping him out of his day dream . " Earth to Booker . Hey , I was thinking we should probably get to the bunkhouse early tonight . We want to be rested for training tomorrow , " Jack said . The look on his was intense . Tom had a feeling that Jack didn 't want to go to bed early but that it had something to do with Kat 's house getting broken into . Tom had the same thoughts . The police were done with their own investigation , but he had wanted to do his own looking around , make sure the place was safe . Jack leaned forward and whispered , " You know , the women are gonna want to cluck over Kat for the next couple of days so it 's best to do it before she goes home . " He leaned back in his chair and said loudly , " Great chili , Mrs . Foster . I 'm gonna have to get the chief to commission you to cook some for the firehouse . ' Course then we 'd be too busy putting out our own fires to be any good for anyone else . " " Oh , that old thing . The store got broken into about fifteen years ago so he thinks he has to protect it now , " Mrs . Foster said . " It wouldn 't have done any good to have it back then either . The break - in happened at night when he wasn 't even there . " The conversation went on and Tom listened intently , learning about his new home town and the families that lived there . He found out that Kat 's family was the most connected by marriage on her mother 's and father 's sides because the last several generations had had five or more children . Apparently you couldn 't throw a stick without hitting either a McNicol or a Foster family member . It was very surreal for him . He hadn 't had a large family in Akron and he virtually anonymous in Columbus . One more thing to get used to , and he wasn 't finding it all too unpleasant either . Kat seemed perfectly relaxed beside him . She was laughing with her family , the hysterical little girl from earlier was gone . She was protected by her family here . The cop had said that nothing was taken , that they were probably just looking for easy cash . What if they didn 't find what they were looking for ? What if they were looking for Kat ? What if they came back ? What did she have that some would want to harm her ? Maybe it was some sicko … and maybe he just had a very vivid imagination . What would someone want with this small town woman ? I don 't know why I was crying so hard , so hysterically . Maybe it was the adrenaline , or the relief , or the obvious contrast between Parker and Tom . I had felt a sudden wave of relief that my little dog was safe , but he was in the arms of the man whose heart I broke . I felt guilty for bringing the man I now wanted . Seeing the two in the same room was comical ; thin , lanky Parker versus stocky , athletic Tom . It only added to my hysterics . I sat in the waiting room chair of the old vet 's office . They were the old , brown vinyl - padded chairs with metal legs . There was one old , wooden bench along the wall where Nomad perched eying me and Dingy with confusion . Tom was silent and standing near the doorway , tired , hands in his jacket pockets . He seemed concerned , but didn 't make any move to comfort me . I was grateful . I couldn 't control my tears . I think added comfort would only add fuel to the fire . Parker had been sitting beside me trying to calm me down , but gave up and walked into the office . He was on the phone . Dingy was his normal happy self . He hadn 't even realized he was lost . He just ran our usual route here to see Parker . That made me feel happy and sad at the same time . He licked my tears where they dripped to my hand . I felt silly then . Why was I crying ? I needed to pull myself together so I could run back to my house . It then struck me as funny that of all the men in town I had to pick the only two who didn 't have vehicles . Parker came out of the office . " I just got off the phone with your mom . Your dad 's coming to get you , " he said , stiffly and glanced at Tom . Tom just eyed Parker blankly . I sniffed . " Thanks , Parker . " I was breathing normally now . Now I just had to wait the excruciating ten minutes it would take for my dad to get here . " Can I get you something to drink ? " he asked us . Now it was silent . Parker sat on the desk chair and we all just looked at each other . It was very awkward . I looked down at Dingy so I wouldn 't have to watch the awkwardness between the two men . Poor Tom and poor Parker . What was wrong with me ? I could tell Parker thought I left him for Tom . It wasn 't like that , but I couldn 't explain it now . He would think what he wanted anyway . I shook my head . " No idea . I had just taken a bunch of old papers to the realty office to shred so I don 't think they could have gotten any specific information . I told Jason and he said he would check the office for me . " " Yeah , " replied . I was grasping at straws for conversation . We already talked about this when Jason was first hired . There was a big front page article in the paper at the time . " Hometown Son to be Deputy Sherriff " was the headline . Silence ensued for several more minutes . I jumped up , spilling Dingy to the floor when my dad 's truck roared into the gravel lot outside , the vibration of the diesel engine giving me a feeling of nostalgia . Nomad and Dingy bounded to the door ; they recognized the sound as well . I followed and said to Parker with my hand on the doorknob , " Thanks for keeping Dingy safe . " I opened the door and the dogs ran to the truck . I looked at Tom as he followed me out and my dad got out of the truck to look me over . " Your mother insists that you come home with me . " He gave me a look that meant he insisted , too , but he would never say it . I nodded and looked at Tom " No , no . It 's clear in the opposite direction . Come on . My mom will have a good supper waiting and she 'll want to gush all over you for … well , everything . " I walked to the tailgate of the truck and my dad came around at the same time to let the dogs in . I picked Dingy up since he couldn 't make the jump . He could jump nearly six feet in the air to try to intimidate a person , but couldn 't make the four foot jump into the bed of the truck . My dad , a man of few words , put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze . I brought tears to my eyes a little , but I swallowed the lump in my throat and whispered , " I 'm okay , daddy . Thanks for picking us up . " He nodded and asked , " Who 's your friend ? " I turned toward Tom who was behind me and introduced them . They shook hands and I realized there was a real resemblance between the two . Both were quiet and tall , broad shouldered and strong from hard labor , only my father 's was from owning a farm and Tom 's was from construction and fire training . My dad 's face was lined around the eyes where they crinkled when he smiled . Everyone said I had my dad 's smile and I always felt sentimental pride when they did . I loved my dad 's smile . Tom 's crinkles were between the eyes and forehead , though . From what ? Worry ? Concentration ? Grief ? I walked to the cab and got in , sliding to the middle to make room for Tom . The vents blasting hot air were a deep contrast from the cold wind . My legs were beginning to feel stiff but the heat seemed to help . The men followed . I had just realized that I cared about why Tom had worry lines . It was disconcerting that I felt this strongly this early in a relationship . Was this even a relationship ? Did two business appointments count as dates ? What if during those appointments we didn 't think about business at all ? Does that constitute it as a date ? I 've been away from this way too long … Parker and I didn 't really date . We just … . were . But Tom and I aren 't really dating either . He didn 't just come on to me all the time , though ; he hung out with me and my two best friends when I wasn 't feeling well , and he just ran across half the town to help me find my dogs , and now he 's meeting my parents . Wait , aren 't there some dating rules that I need to be following ? Like , how many dates before we kiss ? Or , when do we sleep together , or when do we meet the parents ? Does meeting the parents automatically mean you are serious ? Does my mother think that ? The slamming of the two doors brought me out of my inner panic attack . I shook it off and tried to act normal . Tom doesn 't need to think I 'm some loon who makes mountains out of mole hills . But Tom wasn 't looking at me . He was staring straight out the windshield . He made no move to relax or look around . He was sitting really close to the door , making sure not to touch me . My dad 's truck was big enough to comfortably sit three people in the front seat , but it looked like Tom was making sure we didn 't get too close . He must be as nervous as I was . I wondered if he was feeling as awkward as I was about what we were actually going to my house to do earlier . We hadn 't been going there to get my shoes like we told Jason , at least , not until after … So we didn 't really lie , we just omitted useless information . Okay , and now I 'm babbling in my thoughts . Perhaps staring out the window was a good idea . The back roads to my parents ' place were still pretty snowy . The wind pushed huge drifts across the narrow roads , and there was so little traffic out here that the county didn 't send out plows for several days . Eventually , the farmers would just hook a plow blade on their four wheel drives and tractors and do it themselves , my dad included . I always loved looking at the snow on the small one lane roads before they were plowed . Growing up it made me feel isolated , cozy , like nothing bad could ever get to us while we were in our large farmhouse and completely cut off from the outside world . That gave me a sudden surge of anger . Someone had been in my house and all it took was a little brute strength and a crowbar . They had gone through my things , could have lid on the bed , eaten my food , possibly petted my animals . They say Labradors are great watchdogs , but not great guard dogs . Nomad could have made half the mess just by wagging his tail and Dingy didn 't know any better . How dare they ? How dare they ? I have never felt so violated in my life . I was seething , incensed , livid . I already felt bad for the next person who wronged me . Suddenly the heat blasting from the vents felt too hot so I turned it off in a huff . My dad glanced my way and said , " Everything okay ? " I just nodded . Although , I had started wondering how to keep people out of my house while I was here . I felt like I needed to sit on the steps facing the front door with a shotgun , the way women from old western movies wait for their men to come home , but are keeping watch , protecting their homes and children from the marauding natives . Except I was the native in this case . It was my house . That 's when I remembered Tom was coming with us . I was afraid to mention this because I was afraid my dad would turn around an take him right back into to town . Although I knew Tom would feel uncomfortable staying at my parents , I couldn 't help but get excited over the idea . I decided to keep my mouth shut until we pulled into my old driveway . It was an old two - story farmhouse dating back to the 1860 's with modern renovations . My parents got tired of repainting the old wood siding every year so when it finally went bad they went vinyl . It was a dark , red - barn color with a dark driftwood brown for the trim , wrap - around porch , and shutters . The thing I like most about this place was that it had three fireplaces : one in the living room , one in my parent 's room and one in the dining room . Our driveway was long enough that we used to use the four - wheeler to haul our trash cans to and from the garage , and my mom was always at the end of the driveway on cold days to pick me and my sister up from the bus . The barn , silos and garage were behind the house and the woods to the left of it concealed a small natural pond where Claudia and I learned to fish with our dad . It didn 't matter where I lived , this was always going to be home . " Look , I don 't think anything was taken , just some damage done , so can I go now ? " I pleaded with Deputy Smithson . He was a young guy for a deputy , at least I thought so . He had dark brown eyes and hair and looked like he spent too much time in the sun for a cop . That 's the impression I would have got if hadn 't known him as " Little Jason " , the youngest Smithson with five older sisters . It was just weird to see him in this authoritative position . " I have to look for my dogs . " He must have noticed my blush the first time I explained it . I was thinking about the second reason Tom and I had for coming here . The first being that I needed my snow boots for slogging around Tom 's newly purchased property , the second reason being … well , a good reason for blushing , anyway . " I was wearing the wrong shoes for showing the outside property in the snow . " I lifted my foot to show him my backless kitten heels . He looked down at them with raised eyebrows as if to question their practicality , but then again , he did have five sisters . " Right , " he said . " Okay , I think I 'm done here . If you notice anything missing or out of place just give me a call . " I noticed Tom standing over by Jack 's truck . Talking to him through the driver 's window . I jogged over to him and said , " I going in to grab the leashes and my other shoes . " " Well , that 's what I 'm going to try first , but Dingy always wants to run away . Thanks for coming by , Jack . Really everything 's ok . It 's probably someone just looking for cash or something . Don 't worry . " I turned and ran back to the house . I made note that Ernesto and Sylvie were still in there and I sat down to change into my boots . While I was tying the laces Sylvie rubbed up against my back and made a little sound between a purr and a meow . She was such a social little being . She probably did the same thing to the person who broke in . Traitor . I felt that little sting of panic in my chest that I had been holding back for the last couple of hours . I pushed it back down . I had to keep it together long enough to find my dogs , then I could curl up in a ball and cry it out . I wondered what they were looking for . My desk had been ransacked and the wastebasket beneath had been dumped and little ripped papers and notes were everywhere . My computer was still in place along with all it 's equipment . The dresser and nightstand in my bedroom had been rummaged through , also . But no prints had been left behind . The only evidence at all was the mess and the shredded door jam . I don 't keep anything in my trash that has any kind of personal information that someone could use for identity theft . I shred everything at the office . Now he was standing by Tom talking to Jack through the truck window . He turned at the yell and started walking up to me . I met him in the street halfway . " No , but I had a bunch of personal information and bank records that I took to work today to shred , but I left them in my desk . Do you think someone is trying to steel my identity ? Can you check out the realty office ? " " Ok , thanks a lot . Well , I 'm off to find my dogs , " and started jogging to the park . I pulled out my cell phone to call Parker at the same time . I used to run to the vets office to visit Parker on occasion . There was no answer . I will just have to run there after the park . That would be a total of four miles . I could do it , but I am going to be sore . I got a little ways down the road when I heard Jack 's truck pull up beside me . " Can 't , " I replied , losing my breath . I 've never been good at running and talking at the same time . " If I … don 't follow … the same path … then I … might … miss ' em , " I panted . I stopped in my tracks to look at him wordlessly . Tom sat in the passenger seat , silent . At least he knew when to keep his mouth shut about my dogs . And I 've only known him for a few days . He continued , " Well , what I mean is that they 'll come back right ? And if they don 't , well , everybody in town has seen you with them . If someone finds them they 'll bring them to you . Don 't ya think ? It 's pretty cold out for running … " " Shut up , Jack , " I said and started running again . My anger was feeding me raw energy now . Jack was right about one thing . It was pretty cold out . Nomad is getting pretty old and Dingy has only three legs and one eye for goodness sake . How would they fair over night with only each other for warmth instead of my soft warm bed . They would think I abandoned them . What if Dingy completely loses his way and runs clear back to New Orleans ? We 've all seen the movie , " Homeward Bound : The Incredible Journey " right ? Nomad is totally Shadow , that old Golden Retriever , and Dingy could so have the voice of Michael J . Fox . If only they had Ernesto or Sylvie with them … Jack pulled ahead of me and stopped . Tom got out and closed the door , Jack pulled away . Tom waited for me to catch up with him . I didn 't stop . If I stopped again there would be no way for me to get my momentum back up . To my surprise Tom easily fell into step beside me . " What are … you doin ' ? " I asked . " I thought you could use another set of eyes , " he said easily . Show off , I thought . But he was being really sweet so I said , " Thanks . " When we got to the park we ran along the usual path , the twists and turns following the small creek that cut through town . It was blacktopped so the city would plow it with a riding mower when the rest of the town was already dug out . We were silent except for our breathing ; mine was a little faster than his . Then again , I probably ran about a half mile more than he did . Not one to be out done by anyone , I probably ran a little faster than usual . I was really going to be sore tomorrow . He had a long stride and seemed to move like fluid , his muscular arms pumping easily with his stride . I felt awkward and lanky next to him . I was so engrossed by his physique that I almost missed the turn to get to our little tree . " Here , " I said , and pointed to our left . Along the split a little ways I saw Nomad sitting in his usual spot by our old tree . He got up and loped over to us with his big dumb lab face and tongue rolled out to the side as if to say , It 's about time you got here ! I couldn 't help but mother him all over . " Hi , baby ! Oh , my goodness , what a good boy ! Look at you , my big man ! " I grabbed his ears and big head and rubbed him down making sure he wasn 't hurt by whoever broke in to my house . Knowing Nomad , he probably didn 't give a damn so the robber let him go . I looked around waiting to see if Dingy was around , but there was no barking or little toenails clicking on the pavement from his insistent hopping . He would have come running if he had been in the vicinity of the sound of my voice . I sat down as I snapped the leash to Nomad 's collar . I was hot and sweaty and needed to catch my breath . Nomad sat next to me , laying his head on my feet . " You know , you didn 't have to come , " I started , " but thanks anyway . " A lump started to form in my throat . I wondered if my chin was quivering ; I could never feel it , but people always told me it did . He must have noticed the change in my voice because he turned around and looked at me . He gave me a worried look , but he said , " I just wanted to be sure you found your dogs . " " Thanks , " I croaked out . Nomad started licking my hand as if to say , Come on , let 's find Dingy . I was starting to get cold and achy now that the sweat had left my clothes a little wet around the neck . This still was not the time to cry so I swallowed the lump and said , " Well , I was going to run to the vets office if I didn 't find them here . It 's about a mile from here . Are you up for it ? " We started back to the main path and turned left toward the vets office . We had to run at a more steady pace now that Nomad was with us . It was a little easier to talk now that we weren 't pushing so hard . I asked him about running and he said he had to learn when he was training to become a fireman . He tried to run in at least two charity runs in Columbus every year . I told him I sort of did the same , only I just run in the Race for the Cure in Columbus . In our town a lot of people run in the fundraiser for the cross country team every Fall and the Fourth of July Race the Lutheran church sponsors . I told him I used to run in high school , but now I just do it to burn energy and stay healthy . He talked about playing football in high school and the going to college to study construction management and then work for his father . He got most of the way through his degree when he decided he didn 't want to do that any more . " Well , you know . Things change . People change . I didn 't want to be put into something just because someone wanted me to . " I could tell he was hiding something , and I knew what that something was . We were on the sidewalk along the narrow street that led to the vets office just on the edge of town . " Oh , " I said . I guess he wasn 't ready to tell me . Well , I would just wait for him to open up . That 's when I saw footprints in the snow beside the sidewalk . They hadto be Dingy 's ! " Look ! " I stopped and pointed at the prints . Nomad sniffed and got an excited wag to his tail . " It has to be Dingy . We 're almost there . It 's that white building on the right . " We picked up our speed , almost a sprint now . By the time we got to the front door I heard Dingy 's frantic barks . I burst in and saw Parker holding a very wiggly , very ugly , Jack Russell terrier . It was Dingy . I burst into tears . Author 's Note : Well , I 've finally caught up with myself . The posts will probably be fewer and farther between as it usually takes two days to write a whole one . I won 't be posting partial chapters . I hope everyone is enjoying it so far . I 'm going into the office today . I have a little headache and bad case of cabin fever . I 'm so sick of winter that one day in my house has driven me to craziness . I 've already shoveled my walk . The snow began to drift again last night so there were icy streaks of snow rippled across everyone 's walks again . The day was already warmer than it was two days ago . Maybe Spring will finally come . I also managed to walk the dogs , do the dishes , sweep my living room , and gather up my papers that needed shredded and the mail . I didn 't need to be in the office until two so I was making the most of my day . I was happy and excited . I was selling a house today . Tiffi had called early and told me that Tom had made an appointment with Mr . Strogal this morning to buy the Logan House outright . Mr . Strogal had suggested that I come to the meeting . It wasn 't necessary for me to be there since the place was technically owned by Mr . Strogal 's business and he would be the one negotiating . This was probably the real reason for my excitement . I was going to see Tom for the third day in a row . While I was cleaning out some things of Parker 's to take over there I thought about my look . I bought in to so many things Parker stood for , including my hair , so I called the salon and made an appointment with Jenna . That 's where I was heading now . I wasn 't sure what I wanted done , but I wanted something to symbolize my change , my growth , my new found independence . I parallel parked right in front of the salon and strode in , determined to say goodbye to my long hair … or something . " Hey , Kat , I 'll be with you in a second , " Jenna called from sweeping under her chair . Jenna was scary - skinny girl who was twenty - two years old , but looked much younger . Her mother didn 't work and he little brother was in high school . Jenna worked two jobs to support her family , and sometimes took the odd cleaning job . Her mother has had bipolar manic depression since Jenna 's father left about ten years ago . Jenna practically raised herself and is now raising her brother . Her mother stays home and watches TV . There weren 't any other customers in there so I picked up a hair style magazine and looked through the pictures . There were so many cuts it was mind - boggling . I liked to be able to pull it back when I jog , but I guess if I didn 't have enough to pull back I wouldn 't need to . I flipped to the color section and saw girls with all sorts of chunky sections of bright colors spiking out at odd angles . One actually looked like she patterned it off of a skunk . " Um , well , definitely some highlights , but nothing too bright , you know ? I 'm not sure what to do about a cut . I want it cut , though . " " Hmm , " she started and then walked over to the counter . She came back with a color swatch book . " Here 's some colors I think would look great on you . " She pointed to a light brown and a medium auburn . " We could alternate small strands in with your natural color then if you don 't want it keep re - doing it , it will blend pretty well when your hair grows out . and as for the cut , if you don 't mind going kinda short you could donate to Locks of Love . You only need ten inches of unbleached hair and I could cut off at least fifteen and still have plenty to work with . " I closed my eyes , debating . My hair could always grow back if I didn 't like it short and Jenna has never given anyone a bad cut that I 've heard of . The colors ? Am I the same prude that went all natural for so long ? I didn 't want to be her . I wasn 't her . The thought of giving my hair away to charity was a plus side . At least if I didn 't like the cut I could say I did my good dead for the year , or however it took to grow it back out again . I took a deep breath . " Yes . Locks of Love . Highlights . Just do it . I want something new and cool and I don 't want to watch . " I nodded again . She pumped up the chair and I felt her gather my hair into a ponytail at the nape of my neck and I heard something that started the tears rolling . I thought there would be a quick snip and it would be gone , but it wasn 't ; it took several rough , hard cuts to get through the thick bunch of hair . Then it was gone . I opened my eyes and it looked … okay , I guess . Then she turned the chair around from the mirror . " You said you didn 't want to watch , so don 't watch , " she teased . " You can trust me . Would I still be working here if I didn 't do a good job ? " Hours later , Jenna turned my chair to face the mirror . I gasped , as cheesy as it sounds . I had gone from a girl with long , plain Jane , brown hair to a stylish chic . My hair was still dark brown , but it had subtle strands of light brown and auburn mixed in . I turned my head from side to side and Jenna fetched a hand held mirror to show me the back . It was cut in a bob starting at my chin and angling back to my neck where she had put a small amount of gel to spike it out . She had puffed it up a little on the crown of my head and parted it on the side and angled my bangs . She cut it knowing my hair was straight as a pin and I needed it to be easy to manage . " And you can still pull up the sides if you need to for running and stuff , " she said . I didn 't know what to say . " Don 't cry , please don 't cry . " " No , it 's great , " I said , and I wasn 't lying . I really liked it . " Thank you so much , Jenna ! I really needed this . I love it . " I paid and gave Jenna a huge tip , Lord knows she needs it , and walked out to my car . The wind wasn 't blowing today and the sun was already melting the snow . I decided to walk to the realty office . It was across the street and over a block in the opposite direction of where my car was heading , so I just grabbed the papers off the seat that needed shredded in the office . When I got there Tiffi had left a note saying she was off showing houses and Mr . Strogal 's office door was open . Tom was already inside filling out papers . He must have gotten there early , so I stuffed my papers in a desk drawer and went in . The reactions I got were not what I was expecting . I 'm not used to people staring . " Hi , " I said and sat in the only chair available , next to Tom . He didn 't take his eyes off me the whole time and I could see a flash of heat in his eyes . Mr . Strogal grunted and cleared his throat , and Tom looked back at his contract . " Let 's catch you up , Katrina . We 've already agreed on the price and signed an agreement . You 'll get your usual commission . Since he has offered to pay in cash and I have verified the finds are there , all there is to do is make an appointment at the attorney 's for the closing . " You can take him out to do that in a bit . I 'm going to take off for the day , " Mr . Strogal said and got up to put his coat on . " I 've signed everything I 've need to sign , you can do the rest , Katrina . Feeling better I hope ? " He seemed to notice my hair for the first time and frowned a little . Mr . Strogal shook Tom 's hand and left leaving me to look over the forms already piled up . I usually skim over the personal information because I usually know something about the people already . I didn 't know hardly anything about Tom so I took my time . I didn 't get far when I froze . I stopped reading at the second line where it said ' marital status ' . He had checked the box marked ' Widowed ' . I felt an overwhelming sadness for him . I didn 't know what to say . I pretended to read further but nothing was sinking in . I had perceived him as single , as someone who put on the farce of a rebel but was actually quiet and shy ; the old expression ' still waters run deep ' . They were deeper than I thought . Is he still grieving ? How long ago did this happen ? What had happened ? Was it something like a disease , or a car accident ? Was she hurt by someone ? I remembered the burn scars on his ear and neck and wondered if she had been in a fire . How horrible . I started to feel the sting of tears in my eyes and got angry with myself for overreacting . I got up and got a tissue from the corner of the room . I kept myself turned away and dabbed my eyes before the tears spilled over and left streaks through my makeup . I made a show of blowing my nose so as not to reveal the real reason I needed a tissue . I whirled around and planted a smile on my face . " Yeah . I needed something different . " I went back to my chair and quickly picked up the forms and turned the page . Everything on the forms seemed to be in order , including the explanation of the life insurance policy he had on his wife , so I signed the witness lines and got up . He followed me to the front room where I filed the papers in a folder . I decided not to bring it up his marital status and open old wounds . Besides , it must have been a while ago if he was looking at me like that . And he kissed me . And we 're going back to the scene of that kiss today . Actually I was supposed to show him the property ; he 's already seen the house . That 's when I realized I was wearing the wrong shoes . " Oh , dang ! I just remembered I left my snow boots at my house . Do you mind if we … " I had turned around to tell him and he was right there , our faces inches from each other . I swallowed and tried to finish what I was saying . " … stop … by my … house … and … " And he kissed me . I leaned back on the desk as he leaned toward me , his hands on my wrists . He slowly ran his hands up my arms to my shoulders and wrapped them around me . Mine had a mind of their own as they under his arms and pulled him tighter against me . There was an urgency in his kiss that left me breathless . He ran one hand into my hair on the back of my neck , a feeling I wasn 't used to and I shivered . His other went around my waist . He started to kiss down my neck to my collar bone and then reached down and to lift me onto the desk . He settled in between my legs and I felt one of his hands begin to go inside my shirt . Unfortunately , reality sunk in . I nodded and we parted . I rushed around to shut everything off and close the office . We went outside and I locked up . We walked briskly across the street and down a ways to my car . He didn 't ' hold my hand . I wanted him to but he seemed to know that we couldn 't do that without causing a whole lot of gossip . He was very still in the passenger seat in the few minutes it took to get to my house , but he wouldn 't stop looking at me . I pulled up in front of my house and got out with my keys ready . I looked around to see if anyone was around ( I really hate the gossip in this town ) . I didn 't see anyone , but something wasn 't right . Tom was right behind me and grabbed my hand and stopped me . I wouldn 't need my keys . My front door was already wide open and Ernesto was sitting on the first step . Had I left in such a hurry that I didn 't shut it all the way ? I started to rush for the door and call for the dogs , but Tom pulled me back . Tom got into Jack 's pickup , squishing Tiffi closer to Jack . She felt a spark where their legs were touching and she grinned while looking down at the floor . She cleared her throat . She kept looking at Tom who didn 't answer the question . He met her eyes and knew immediately that she knew what really happened . She just kept staring at him , not letting him get away with not answering . " Um - " " You don 't have to answer that Tom . Kat just broke up with her boyfriend two days ago . Tiff 's just trying to set her up with someone already . " Tiffi wanted to defend herself but it was obvious that Tom didn 't want Jack to know . Maybe because Jack was so protective of his friends or maybe he saw Jack kiss her forehead and thought it meant something more . " Well , " she said . " She 's been with Parker for so long and she got so tired of him I thought she would be ready for something … different . " There was an awkward silence . Tom didn 't seem like a real talkative guy . He was selective with his answers when Kat asked him those questions about his career - probably just more of a quiet type . He can 't be a bad guy ; he is a firefighter . Tiffi 's leg felt like it was burning where it touched Jack 's . She was always so aware of Jack . He was always so close . Well , they were friends , right ? She remembered when he and Kat used to date in school . They both had a crush on him their junior year ; the big jock , good looking despite the freckles and red hair . There was something about him that made all the girls want him . Well , he showed an interest in Kat at some point , Kat being more out - going and fun than herself . Kat had long legs and long straight hair and she ran like a gazelle . Tiffi was short , fuzzy haired and tried to hide her curves behind baggy shirts . Not overweight in the least , but big boobs that were a little embarrassing . Back then it wasn 't unusual for her to nab her brother 's sweatshirts when he wasn 't looking . Kat and Jack only dated a few times before they realized that they had to just be friends and call it a night , so to speak . They never slept together and Kat always said there was something missing in his kiss . They only kissed twice . The first kiss was kind of awkward so they tried again . They both busted up laughing and came back that Monday to school the best of friends , next to Tiffi , of course . They became a threesome and the rest was history . These last ten years or so have been building , though . She tried to find excuses to be with him without Kat and longed for him to touch her . It was funny . He was so affectionate with Kat , always putting his arm around her , or like tonight , kissing her forehead in a brotherly way . He was affectionate with Tiffi sometimes , but it was stiff and quickly removed , like she was on fire . His cell phone buzzed in his pocket against her and he reached for it pushing against her hip . " Sorry , " he said . and jerked it out only to see it was from his mama . " Oh , hell . " He sighed and opened it . " Hi , ma . " He pulled the phone away from his ear while Brenda , his mother , rambled loud enough for Tiffi to hear every word . Brenda thought you had to yell to be heard on a cell phone . " … make sure you check on her . Do you remember what happened to your Great - Uncle Bob ? He had that minor concussion that resulted into a coma . " " Yeah , ma , Tiff and I just checked on her and he 's feeling much better . The first twenty - four hours are the most critical , but she 's feeling pretty good . And Uncle Bob didn 't have a minor concussion , he had a minor stroke . There 's nothing to worry about . " He swung left at the stop sign and pulled up to Maggie 's . Tom got out into the swirling wind and jogged to the door . Tiffi started to scoot over to the passenger side and immediately felt the burning spot on her leg get cold . She put her seatbelt on as Jack pulled ahead to make a u - turn in the main square . She sighed inwardly . Was she the only one who felt it ? Was he awkward around her because he knew she was madly in love with him and he didn 't want her that way ? Maybe he was worried of ruining their friendship . No , she wouldn 't give herself false hope . He probably didn 't want to lead her on since he didn 't have the same feelings for her . What was this awkward silence ? He mind raced to think of something to say before they got to her apartment building . More silence . Well , she thought , if he was so comfortable with the whole situation then she would be too . Who cares if he didn 't see her that way . Isn 't it better to be friends than to be away from him ? She tried to look relaxed in her seat and watched Jack from the corner of her eye . He looked very tense . He was rubbing the back of his neck . They both started talking at the same time . " Well , " he started . " I 've been thinking … lately . About , well … I 've been wondering … " He stopped . He pulled into her parking and put the truck in park . He smiled at her and she smiled back and let out a breath . He seemed to relax , too . " Great , I 'll see later , " she said and opened the door and got out . Tom walked into Maggie 's Grill n ' Pub to sounds of country music and people laughing . He 'd only been here once when he first got to town and that had been a lunch crowd . It had been a crowd of various business people on lunch break , a large party of construction workers , and moms meeting for lunch with removable baby car seats and messy toddlers . It was a different crowd now . Not much rougher , seeing as it had to cater to everyone being the only restaurant you could sit down and eat in . The pizza place on down the street didn 't count because was pick - up or delivery only . Maggie 's was also the only bar in town . He sat down at the far side of the bar to people - watch . You could learn a lot about people just by watching them with an indiscernible eye . He caught a flash of blonde hair out of the corner of his eye and thought … crazy things . He closed his eyes and turned to the direction of the flash . When he opened them he let out a breath of relief . She was a young server running around taking orders at the little tables who couldn 't be more than nineteen or twenty with long blonde hair , faded jeans , and skinny t - shirt and tan skin . She was almost too skinny , but swift way she moved indicated a healthy body . He turned back toward his original destination , the bar . Tom thought for a moment then removed his card from his wallet . " Sure . " He knew it wasn 't the best idea , but he had already tried the conventional ways of getting rid of the nightmares and hallucinations . Time to try drowning them . " Thanks , " said Tom and followed his glance to table , too . There sat two men , one looked real young , with a messy mop of blonde hair . The other was a contrast to himself . He was wearing clean business - casual clothes , including a tie and jacket , but his hair was slicked back and oily , and his face was full of pockmarks and scars . Tom thought he saw a portion of a tattoo on his right hand . " It 's a good town ; a close one . Almost everybody knows everybody else 's business . " It was clear Ziggy wasn 't just making small talk . " Yes . I have found that out very quickly , " he replied leaning back . " Have you heard anything I should be concerned about ? " He was trying to judge if Ziggy was another of Kat 's family members . He didn 't show any resemblance to the family , but looks were deceiving . He waited to see if he had a sawed off shotgun under the counter like Mr . McNicol . Ziggy just chuckled . " Working in a bar you hear some really interesting things . Probably a little exaggerated given the alcohol , but usually true . A little thing can spread like wildfire , so just watch yourself . This town lives for gossip . " The bartender moved to another customer and left Tom , returning only to ask if he wanted a refill . He noticed a family getting up to leave and thought he should make it back to the firehouse before it got too frigid outside . The skinny blonde server walked up to the bar near Tom and whispered to Ziggy , " I swear , if those two over there don 't leave I 'm gonna have a permanent hand print on my ass ! They asked for more beer . I think you should cut them off before I cut that creepy one 's hand off ! " " We close in a half hour , Jenna , can you survive until then ? Tell them it 's last call . " He looked at Tom and said , can I get you a last drink ? " He made his way through the tables to the door and over heard the two men who were also making their way out . " … don 't see why I can 't go now . It would save so much time , " the young guy said . " Because the snow 's drifting . It 's not safe , " the ' creepy one ' said , as Jenna had called him . He didn 't looked too concerned about the kid 's safety , though . What wasn 't safe ? The roads weren 't too bad . The sun had a chance to dry up what had melted earlier so the roads weren 't icy . Although that had struck him as odd , Tom didn 't concentrate too much on the two men . He had to concentrate on his feet instead and it seemed like multitasking was a bad idea . He walked the direction of the firehouse and the two men went the other way . A few minutes later he noticed them drive by in a light blue sedan and then turn to go out of town toward the truck stop . The air outside was frigid and the wind was biting his ears . He wished he had thought to wear his stocking hat instead of his WFD one . He rubbed his hands together and jammed them into his jacket pockets . He tried to think warm thoughts as he picked his way among the drifts that were blowing across the sidewalks again . He tried to imagine he was walking through a burning , building , the baking , the waves of heat that seem to block your path , smoke billowing through windows . It didn 't help . It was such a contrast to what he was actually feeling it made it worse . His thoughts drifted to his evening at Kat 's house . It was warm there . He was tempted to turn onto her street and get warm , but he knew the alcohol was lubricating his brain . They had agreed to be friends . That was a good start . He hadn 't had feelings like this for a long time . In fact , he hadn 't had feeling like this for nearly two years , not since that last night before … I was bounced awake by Nomad shifting position every ten seconds ; he probably had to go outside . I grudgingly rolled off the bed putting my feet down on the drafty wood floor and walked on my tip - toes to reduce the feel of the cold to the carpet of the stairs . Nomad and Dingy barreled down and were in the kitchen in a flash spinning of circles , their toenails sounding like hail on a tin roof . It was dark out so they were probably starving . I glanced at the clock and it was a little past seven at night . No wonder they 're hungry . Now that I think about it , I 'm pretty hungry . I hadn 't eaten since breakfast this morning . I really didn 't feel like cooking , though . Pizza sounds good . Then my door bell rings . I start walking towards the door , again , when whoever is out there starts pounding on the wood . I was there in a second and swung it open to see Tiffi there looking frazzled . " Oh , thank goodness , " she said breathless and flung her arms around me . I caught a brief glimpse of two sets of broad shoulder behind her . " I was so worried . I 'm so sorry . I thought your mom or your sister would come over or something , but when I talked to them and nobody had heard from you I panicked , " then she whispered , " Sorry . " I strained out of her arms and looked to see who the shoulders belonged to . It was Jack and Tom . I inwardly groaned . Tom was looking yummy in his leather jacket and WFD hat . He hadn 't shaved but he smelled like that spicy soap from yesterday . His eye looked pretty bad underneath . I winced inwardly . I backed up and held the door open for everyone . At the same time Dingy rushed in , barking at the newcomers , followed closely by Nomad . Dingy bypassed Jack and Tiffi and went straight to Tom to circle him once and head back to the kitchen . My couch and matching loveseat were an antique set from the seventies with upholstery that looked like weaved yarn in various shades of brown . My house was pretty drafty despite the new insulation I installed last year so I kept plenty of throws folded over the backs of everything . I grabbed a warm chenille and wrapped myself in it before flopping in the lazy - boy , carefully tucking in my feet . Tiffi did the same with a weaved throw of embroidered Labradors and flopped on the loveseat stretching out her feet . That left the men to sit at opposite ends of the couch , Jack closer to Tiff and Tom on my side . They didn 't wrap up in blankets , but Jack did stretch out his feet in front of him . He knew he could make himself at home here and did on occasion when he didn 't feel like staying at his mom 's or got too drunk at the bar . He always stayed on the couch . " Help yourselves , guys , " I replied . I grabbed the remote and flipped between all the channels . There was nothing on so I left it on Comedy Central . " So how does the rest of the town look ? " I heard Jack mumble something about girly beer in the kitchen . I only bought the light beer with lime . He came back in with three beers and a water bottle . " Actually , Tom here had half of Main Street shoveled before the rest of us caught on and went out too , " he handed water to me and the beers to Tom and Tiff . " Can 't have the new guy making us look bad . " He nudged Tom 's shoulder before sitting down . " Hey , can I have the remote ? " Jack made a grab for it . I let him have it staying out of the fight that followed . Tom leaned toward me , " Do they always act like this ? " He nodded and relaxed back taking a swig of beer . Nomad loped in and sat next to my chair , putting his head on my leg and wagging his tail . This chair was the only piece of furniture he was allowed on so I was in his spot . He knew not to climb up on me though . I was the pack leader . " Go lie down , baby , " I said and patted him on the head . Tom seemed impressed when Nomad loped over to the corner where he had a bulky pillow all to himself . Dingy was anxious as ever and paced around the furniture . The cats were nowhere to be found , but it was just a matter of time . Jack somehow won the fight and had the TV turned to March Madness . Tiffi looked angry , but I knew it was a put - on . She had filled out a bracket like the rest of us and was curious as to who was winning . " So , Tom , where are you from ? " I asked . I know it sounds lame , but where else am I going to start ? " Ugh , " I replied . That just figures . I just couldn 't find a guy with the same likes as me . At least none I was attracted to . Parker wasn 't any kind of sports fan . " No way . Romo is in his prime . It 's not happening this year , " he smiled smugly . He was sitting on the edge of the cushion with his elbows resting on his knees . Jack piped up , " Don 't get her started , man . She was devastated when Farve thought about retiring . I 've been trying to bring her home to the Browns for years , but she won 't let it go . " I got up before anyone else could offer . I grabbed my purse and nearly sprinted to the front door . I really was feeling better . The delivery kid reminded me of the squeaky - voiced teenager from The Simpson 's who is always at the fast food place or the movie theater . I gave him a nice tip for coming in the bad weather . I placed the pizzas on the coffee table in the living room and passed out napkins . Jack got his signature anchovies with bacon and peppers ( ugh ! ) on half , Tiffi got the other half ham , pineapple , and almonds , and the other pizza was just plain pepperoni lovers . That was me . I watched Tom to see which kind of pizza he would eat and he grabbed some of Tiffi 's half and some pepperoni . So he wasn 't averse to trying bizarre things , but still stays away from the scary . That 's good . And why am I over analyzing his pizza likes ? I had no doubt that Jack could finish his half on his own . I don 't know what it is with him and disgusting fish combinations . My stomach turned just watching him chew it . I turned my focus back on Tom . I got the hint that he didn 't want to elaborate on what happened so I said , " Do you like it at the WFD ? Jack 's not giving you a hard time is he ? I could fix that for you , you know . I know his mama real well . " Jack threw a pillow at me . I threw it back at him . He looked relieved , chuckled and said , " No , that 's alright . Nothing out of the ordinary . " Sophie walked over to him and rubbed back and forth on his legs then proceeded to rub on Jack 's , then meowed because nobody gave her any attention . I walked over to the dogs ' bowls and gave them the uneaten crusts and pick up my sexy kitty . I scratched her ears and thought about what Tom had said . Or hadn 't said . Surely that wasn 't such and unusual question . People ask me from time to time why I got into realty . It 's always the same answer : I like it and I wanted to make money . But he looked so … vacant when he mentioned his hometown . He moved here from Columbus , but he 's from Akron . Something happened in Akron to make him want to become a fire fighter , but why didn 't he want to serve in his own town ? Tiffi came in with some wadded up napkins and empty bottles . " I 've been lying down all day . I needed to do something . Besides it 's done enough for tonight . " Actually I was tired again and when I thought about it I had to hide a yawn . " We 're gonna get going . It 's late and you need to go back to sleep . " " Don 't be . I 'm fine . I 'll be back to work tomorrow . " I shrugged my shoulder . I knew he hadn 't meant the fall . He meant the kiss . " Stop right there . Don 't ever apologize for kissing someone unless they slap you , alright ? Besides , I 'm fine . " He was looking down at his feet and his hands were in his jacket pockets . I wanted him to look back at me . I think he 's actually kind of shy . Cute . " You met Grandpa Mickey ? And you 're still alive ? Impressive . You know he keeps a loaded sawed off shotgun under the counter ? You 're one of the lucky ones . " He laughed at that . His eyes crinkled a little and he finally looked back up . I wanted him to kiss me again right there . I think he wanted to kiss me , too but just then I heard an impatient honk from Jack 's pickup . The wind was picking up and I noticed the freshly shoveled snow start to drift . He stepped outside and waved back at Jack . He turned back to me and placed his hands on either side or the doorway and said , " Well , anyway , um , I hope we can be friends . " But he had such and unfriendly look in his eye , if you know what I mean . He wanted to kiss me again . I wanted to kiss him again , badly . I took a step toward him and leaned on the door jam . and said , " Hmm . I 'll think about it if your football loyalties come back from the dark side . " I had him smiling again . Oh , baby . I could stare at that smile all night . I felt a shiver , but I wasn 't sure if it was from him or the open door . |
What is patriotism ? " You 're just the latest reigning , vigilantes self - appointed cultural watchdogs of the moment , devoting countless hours and enviable resources to this bogus mission of stifling creative expression in the name of patriotism . . . It is wanton distraction , because lets just be forthright and honest about what is truly unpatriotic . Abject poverty is unpatriotic . The failure of our education system is unpatriotic . Lies told by presidents as justification for war is unpatriotic . It IS unpatriotic that elected lawmakers fail to acknowledge , let alone address , real desperation " ( Bette Porter character of the L Word ) . Posted by In childhood and through adolescents I went to my grandmother Jasmine 's house every weekend . And every weekend was spent with my mother sitting at the table making conversation with grandma , while my father either was off hunting with his cousins , or getting drunk and passing out . My mother would sit in her head replaying the moment when she made the mistake of marrying my father . And I wonder if she regretted it the very moment it happened . And through it all , I had no idea , and just assumed we were all happy and would live together forever . For 18 years , she probably wanted to runaway from the same mundane routine . Even though her routine is just as mundane as it always has been , it is at least on her terms as an independent woman . I have no doubt that she resents every bit of him , even though she made four beautiful children with him . As a kid , I was never aware of them having sex , until I overheard one conversation they had . Before they divorced , I wouldn 't be surprised if they weren 't having sex at all for months or longer . Because none of my siblings and I really had bedrooms or beds for that matter , sometimes we would sleep in my parents bedroom . One night I was pretending to be asleep in their room with the door open . I hear my mother saying something like " No " or some kind of refusal of sex , and I hear my father say , " So you expect me to jack off in the bathroom ? " And something in my mind changed from then on about my perspective on men and relationships . I quickly fell asleep . One day before I went to church , at the age of 14 or 15 , he sat at his computer desk after we got back from grandma Jasmines . There , an envelope with a letter inside was situated on the keyboard . He opened it up and looked at me : " Your mother wants to get a divorce . " I hug him and feel his confusion , and it 's no telling what he did when he dropped my siblings and I off at church . Mom was probably at my grandma Lucy and grandpa George 's house at the time , and stated that 's where she would be and to take care of the kids for now . Those months blurred together , because it seemed like he pleaded to mom and said he would change , and in fact quit drinking before all of this . Mom stayed at my grandparents , and dad put us on the bus for school and I really don 't remember him working much or at least not a lot back then while my mother worked nights as a nurse . When all of us went to bed , he stayed up watching porn in the dark kitchen with the computer light reflecting across his glasses . Eventually mom came back home and dad struggled to made some peace , and it just wasn 't working for mom , so she told dad to move out . He packed up some of his stuff to live with grandma Jasmine , funny enough , back in his old bedroom . I remember the day he was taking his stuff while everyone except me was out of the house , and he took our desktop computer ( the only thing in the world I treasured . ) And maybe it upset him because I didn 't cry that he was leaving , and I cried that he was taking the computer . I screamed for him to leave the computer . Another memory I have after that was dad moving back in , and that evening as I was pretending to nap on the couch , I hear conversations between my dad and brother . My dad said he wanted me to go with him to help him pack up his things , and my brother told him that I ( me ) thought dad was weird . I felt how uncomfortable that was for everybody in the room and so I get up and help dad pack up his shit again to bring back . Well very soon after that , he was moving back out to live with his mother . Quickly he got a job at a factory and dated some women . One black woman he wanted to date , his mother ( my racist grandmother ) told him he wasn 't allowed . Between all of those moments , I struggled with my own relationship with the boy next door . I felt like I was in the middle of my parents ' divorce , getting pushed and pulled and dragged , all the while I was sneaking my next door neighbor boyfriend in my bedroom at night to have sex . Surprisingly my dad never found the boy next door in my room even though we were very loud and the bed squeaked . Eventually my mom knocked on my door one night and asked who I was talking to , and of course I said : " I 'm talking to myself " because that 's actually not that weird for our family . The boy next door sneaked out of the window and shoeless into the night . During all of this horrible shit with my parents , I experienced my first love and breakup , and I dated another boy I had intercourse with a couple times , and I left him to go back with the boy next door . And not long afterwards , the boy next door became the man that has lived with me for the last 11 years . I went to college to party , get shit faced , high , tripped . And those years pass so fast , although it does seem like the hard parts never end . And I 've had terrible moments in my life that I feel will never end , and somehow they do resolve themselves - - but I 'm stuck replaying the past in my head . This is but one story of my life , and I am the product of the many other stories that form their own dimensions . I have some animosity left for my dad that may be because of my mother , but he is a changed person . He is a person I can 't relate to , I can 't have a conversation with , nor can I tell good stories or anything about my life because we are so distant - - I wouldn 't know where to begin . He really doesn 't know me and I don 't know him , and I write this to express what I remember of him and what he doesn 't know of me . Posted by preyed on me . One night after an art show , I kiss this boy in the back of his friends car ( the friend we are with at the diner ) . Somehow , through visceral abilities , he knew that I was up to something that night , to which he found out about everything , thus ending the relationship with the boy . And those feelings led to anger which had been building up from that night till this moment . " Well , I fucked Travis , and made out with Ron ! " I said in a puerile manner , to which he replied back , " Well , I cheated on you with a girl that I had up against the wall and fucked her until she came all over my dick . " " Nice , " I said . " Can we just go and watch this fucking movie ? " We left the diner to watch a movie . I was struggling to concentrate throughout the movie , and kept replaying the words we exchanged . Afterwards , the four of us got into my friend 's boyfriend 's car to go home . First we stopped at a gas station as the night grew on , and the dew on the car showed the evidence my friend and everyone else to witness . My friend 's boyfriend quickly says " Oh , I wrote that " as if that was going to come off as the truth . My partner gets out of the car and goes inside the store with my friend 's boyfriend while I wipe away the humiliation . that dimension of my life . I still hold onto the thoughts that puncture . Later that night , after our friends dropped us off at our house , I couldn 't hold back the tears any more . I ran to the corner of the living room and hid my face , and just like a man , he yelled at me until he found a way to have sex with me that night . Needless to say , my friends never double - dated with me ever again . Posted by about seven years ago . The bunker that I 've called home since I sold it . The entrance to it is well - hidden , but I still come and go very early / very late in the day . I 'm a single man who keeps to himself . I 'm now in a situation where I background and have made it appear to my family that I died on boat trip in the Pacific . No I am not joking . I am dead in the United States . 3 . I run a cake business . I charge people hundreds for wedding cakes … Every last one is made using Pillsbury cake mix I buy for $ 1 a box at Walmart . I suck at baking . Every time I 've ever tried to make a cake from scratch it sucked . But baking is like . . My whole deal . My friends all call me the cake girl . It 's like my whole life is a lie . People compliment my cakes all the time . Telling me how delicious they are . Telling me it 's so much better than box mix cake . Telling me they could never bake a cake so delicious . Well guess what ? For $ 1 , they too can make a cake just as delicious . Just add oil , eggs and water . In my defense , I love cake decorating . I make all of the frostings and fondant from scratch . I just hate baking fucking cakes ! ! I base my prices mostly on the decoration of the cakes and not of the cake itself of that makes sense . Still … No one knows about this except my husband . Even my best friends think I fucking slave over the oven mixing and baking these damn cakes . I have been doing this for YEARS . If anyone knew my business and reputation would be in the toilet for sure . : / I keep telling myself I have to learn how to make the damn cakes without the box mixes , but I never do it . I feel like such a sham sometimes . 4 . I once helped out my a female friend 's family by taking care of their cat for a week . Every day for a week , I would go over there and snoop around their house . I found my friend 's diary , and proceeded to read the entire thing . I used this information to get her to like me , and she is currently my wife . 6 . I faked the last two years of college education . My parents put so much pressure on me I couldn 't handle it ( I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety ) so I faked it all . Lied to everyone . Made up fake transcripts . I just got my foot in the door in my desired field thanks to a friend as they hired me as a subordinate . This place only hires college grads but no one double checked my credentials since I was recommended . My hopes is that if I need to find another job I 'll have been at this place long enough to get it by experience alone ( I work for a very prestigious company ) . I 'm not bad at my job . I 'm actually quite good . But my fear is eventually I 'll hit a wall and the lie will come to light . No one has known this for the better part of a decade . It 's a relief to finally say it " out loud . " I can 't even tell those I love . My silence is my prison . 7 . When I was 17 I had a argument with my father and told him to fuck off , later that evening he hung himself . Our argument was the last time he spoke to anyone in our family and for that I feel a terrible amount of guilt for . Instead of him saying good bye and I love you to my mom and brothers he got told to fuck off before he went and killed himself . My punishment is to live the rest of my days in shame and guilt . He never left a note either . 8 . I used to be a Police / Fire / 911 Dispatcher , but had to quit because it nearly made me suicidal . I actually had thoughts , but had to drive 40 miles to go to a center / hospital where no one knew me for help . I have nightmares about a few calls I took where the caller killed themselves , shot someone else , or passed away on the phone with me . To this day , a few years after resigning , I still can 't listen to a phone ring , or sirens go off without having a mild panic attack . I am fairly sure it 's a form of PTSD , with flashbacks , nightmares , panic attacks , and an inability to function sometimes , but I 'm embarrassed and scared to tell my fiancé , or go to a doctor for it . I know there are soldiers out there with real PTSD that deserve help far more than me … I am very good at hiding it though . I also sometimes wait until my fiancé goes to sleep , and I will then go sit and pretty much cry for several hours . It 's hell . people will do on their computers and say in their emails despite having to sign a waiver that all computer activity at work is monitored and recorded . I have half the company 's banking , social media and personal email account info and passwords . I know who is secretly banging who at the office behind their spouse 's backs . I know who is cybering at work and jerking it in the bathroom almost daily . At least they tell their sex chat partner they 're running off to the bathroom to jerk it , haven 't felt the need to check the validity of that one . I know when people are having martial problems , financial problems , I even know one person here is buying xanax and vicodins from . Basically I have a treasure trove of my coworker 's secrets . I won 't actively do anything with this info , but it 's nice knowing I have the ammunition there if something were to ever happen . was a girl who I had a crush on the moment I saw her on my college campus . She ended up dating a douchebag dude a few weeks later . I happened to end up sitting in a study room with him and a few mutual friends . He talked about how he didn 't think she was that attractive and cheating . The girl is now my girlfriend of 6 months . She has no idea ( and is sitting across from me in the library ) . I 've never told anyone this before . going through a divorce , my mom worked night shifts and my dad was living with a friend of his . One night my sister who was 19 at the time came home pretty drunk from a party . She was acting goofy and fell on the couch next to me . She started grabbing my leg and laughing and we started fondling . We ended up having sex right there . When we woke up the next day she had no recollection of the night before so i just kept my mouth shut . Fast forward to when i 'm 18 . Sister is home from college and dad is over for a visit . they get into an argument and in a fit of rage my dad announces how he has never forgiven her for the abortion she got when she was 19 and subsequently killing His grand child . ( he 's very religious ) . I then realize the baby she aborted was in fact mine … . . and as far as i me but one of my frat brothers in college knocked a girl up . A month later she had had lost the baby . I was using his phone one night to find my phone when his dad texted him , i swiped the lock causing it to open up the chat thread revealing the messages that explained the story . The day he found out he drove with some of our other brothers to Mexico and he came back with RU486 , the abortion pill . He had apparently spoken to his dad who forced him under threat of pulling him out of college and cutting him off to secretly sneak the girl the abortion pill . I dont know the logistics of how he did it but apparently he secretly poisoned her causing her to lose the baby . He has no idea I know and I doubt anyone else does . 15 . I accidentally killed seven people . I put a rag into a new water heater exhaust to keep debris out and installed it in a rental . I get a call a week later , there 's been an accident . I show up and there 's a ton of ems and police . They ask me where the gas shutoff is , and I go down to shut the gas off and see the end of the rag I forgot sticking out of the top of the heater . Ripped the rag out , shut the gas off and head upstairs only to be told all the tenants were DEAD . I drink all day now and sleep . It 's killing me from the inside every single day , but if I say anything my family is ruined ; we have a bunch of rental properties and we 'd be shut down . 16 . I hate all of my friends . Literally . I don 't have anything in common with any of them , and don 't care . But I 'm too scared to be alone and have no one else to go to so I keep hanging around with them . her breasts were developing . When home alone we would play a role play game where she was a boss and I was a secretary , and the boss would always sexually harass the secretary . It ended in my sucking on my sister 's breasts while she would lie on the couch with her shirt off . My memory has always been really horrible , so I only remember patches of this , but I remember that it never felt sexual . I don 't actually trust my memory enough to feel confident that this really happened . I love my sister , she 's my best friend and I would never want to damage our relationship by ever bringing this up and asking her what really happened . It is a secret I will carry with me and never reveal . 19 . I still have " imaginary friends . " I 'm almost 30 . I lost them for a while . I don 't know why or how , but it they were gone . I couldn 't see them or hear them any more , not the way I used to when I was younger . It made me was miserable . I kept hoping for a way to get them back . Two weeks ago , I somehow managed to finally break through whatever the barrier was . I have spent the past two weeks hanging out with , and talking to , a character from a well - known TV show . I can 't really " see " him visually , but I can see him with my mind 's eye . He goes almost everywhere with me . He 's sitting on my bed right now , waiting for me to get off my computer . ( I promised I would get off a little while ago , but I had to check reddit one last time . ) He 's been coming to work with me every day for the past two weeks . I share my food with him . ( I kind of mentally duplicate it for him , since he can 't touch it in reality . ) I love it . I 'm happy again . I realize most people would say he isn 't real , but something about him is . I don 't care . He 's real to me . smell it or whatnot . So I 'd put it inside my gas heater unit . Unfortunately my sock had caught on fire inside the unit , blew it up and set my house on fire . Only my brother was home at the time , and he managed to survive the house did not . For 5 years we stayed from caravan park to caravan park whilst we waited for confirmation that it was not arson and we could receive an insurance payout . We eventually did and scraped together money to start rebuilding the house . The house is still being rebuilt to this day and it shames me anytime I have to visit my parents living in a tiny mobile home where my backyard once was . 21 . I have been pretending to be colorblind to everyone I have ever known , including my own parents since I was in 3rd grade . I am now 28 years old . I even convinced an optometrist of it . 22 . When I was 13 I caught my father in bed with my 15 year old brother 's girlfriend ( also 15 ) . I haven 't seen her since , but I 've been blackmailing my father with it for 23 . I was hit by a truck a few years back and was diagnosed with retrograde amnesia and awarded a 2 . 5 million dollar settlement . I have used this money to move into Florida and I currently live in Boca Raton . I faked the whole thing because I hated by life and wanted an excuse to leave . I haven 't seen my family since and have made a new life . 25 . After graduating from high school , I went to a small out - of - state college where no one from high school knew me . I was told many times how impressive my false Australian accent was , so I decided it would be great fun to go through college pretending to be from Australia . All of my friends and even my girlfriend of two years think I 'm Australian . I have a completely fake Australian identity , family , and past . I will soon be graduating , and I plan on asking the girl to marry me . Everything she knows about me is Australian I don 't know how to tell her she doesn 't really know me . Guess I 'm forever a bloke . to all the blood . When I eventually recovered , I called the ambulance and stayed with my uncle , he died in the back of the ambulance , holding my hand . No one knows about what happened to me , and if they did they would realize that I 'm the reason he 's dead . 27 . I 've never attempted to kill myself , and I doubt I ever will , but I just want to die . I 'm an incredibly happy guy odd enough . I truthfully am happy , but whenever I think about getting shot , or getting cancer , I get a little excited . I wish I was one of those deaths on the news , shoot I 'd love to take someones place , they want to be here more than me . I 'll never actually kill myself even if its just for the sake of others who need me , but I can 't stop wishing that someone else would kill me . I 'm done being here , I 'm done dealing with the crap . I 'm just burnt out and I have a little pillow and assortment of blankets that I pretend is this girl I like . She would never like me in real life ( in fact , she doesn 't ) , so I just play pretend . It 's inherently creepy but it 's what keeps me from being a total wreck all the time . Christian household , so I was too scared to tell my parents . They also didn 't know that I was dating my boyfriend of the time , because he is Hispanic . I decided to get an abortion , but didn 't have the money to fund it . My boyfriend had a job , but kept encouraging me to keep the baby . I tried and tried to gather the $ 300 - 600 necessary for it , but it was so hard . I ended up having to order RU486 ( the abortion pill ) from a sketchy website online with my own money , because I was so scared and desperate . I ended up getting really sick from it and had to explain everything to my mom on the way to the hospital . Since I hadn 't gone to the doctor before , I wasn 't aware of how far along I was . I was over 6 months pregnant , and had hid it from everyone in my life , other than my boyfriend . I hadn 't imagined the emotional side effects , or what would happen afterwards . I ended up giving birth to a baby much bigger than I could have even imagined , and he suffocated to death almost immediately . I got investigated by a homicide detective . I hated myself to the core and still do a few months later . The thing is , that no one would expect this from me . At all . People think of me as such a " goody two shoes " and I was recently voted " class clown . " No one could imagine that I had an illegal , late - term abortion at 3 in the morning . No one could even tell that I was 6 months pregnant , because I only gained 6 or 7 pounds . No one would imagine that I 'm being investigated by the homicide detectives go look at generic groceries so I decided I would just spend my time hanging out in the toy aisle , in the toy aisle there would always be these bags of marbles that other kids would open and leave laying there so I decided to fling marbles across the floor and one just happened to reach one of the far off aisles . So about two minutes later I hear a loud crash and someone scream " Somebody help this man ! " . Being the curious child I was , I ran over to see what the commotion was about and I the ladder as he was getting something off the top shelf . The guy is seizing out and blood is coming from his head as he laid there and his face seemed to be turning blue . My mother whisked me and my cousins away and we left . Next time we went we talked to the front cashier and she said that they called the paramedics but by the time they got there he had died from choking . Apparently when he had the seizure he was choking on his own tongue . The cause for the fall according to the front cashier was that he had put the ladder on a marble and didn 't check it before he got on it . When I heard what the cashier said I just stood in disbelief thinking I was going to jail , I tried telling my mother many times but all she did was say that I imagined it . 33 . My mom died when I was 17 and when it comes up I use it to garner attention for myself . In reality , I never met her and she has never meant anything to me other then a name . I feel so empty 34 . I told my entire family I was able to transfer out of community college and into a university , but I never finished up the requirements . So since I live at home , every day instead of going to school I go to the local library and bs . My lies are so extensive , I even go to the campus and meet my girlfriend for lunch sometimes . I 've made fake transcripts to show my family , and to make it look like I 'm actually studying I go to MIT opencourseware to look up facts that I " learned in class " that day . I have become a remarkable liar . I hope to be transferring in the fall and then I look forward to living a normal life . Coming clean is not an option at this point . 35 . After my mother left my father , he developed a really inappropriate attachment to me . I was 19 and my brother moved in with his girlfriend . Dad was suicidal , and had no family or friends close by , so I was it . For the first year , he would sleep . After 4 years of cleaning up after him , making sure he ate , and generally remained alive , I discovered that he had been using the attic access in his closet to sit above my personal bathroom and watch me through a peephole . I wanted to dismiss it as paranoia , but there were too many physical signs that made it reality . Moved out shortly after that because I couldn 't bear to look at him . I 'm 29 now , and no one in my family has any idea that this ever happened . I know that he was going had a boyfriend or a girlfriend . There 's nothing physically wrong with me , nor am I unpleasant to look at . I masturbate a few times a month , mostly because of a biological need rather than actual desire , I guess . I 've never fantasised about anyone or felt any physical desire for anyone . 39 . Me and my cousin have been doing it for 10 years now . It started when she was 12 and I was 13 . We had to babysit the younger kids in our family while the parents went to a 41 . I do not have a lot of confidence , and can never ask girls out . I met my current wife by installing a keystroke logger on her computer , and intercepting facebook messages and chats with her friends until I confirmed she liked me . That way I knew exactly how to approach her . I orchestrated our entire early courtship to my advantage . If she knew she would likely divorce me use every single day . Everyone in my life - even the people closest to me - think that I have been clean for over a year . I 'm a good actor and liar , it comes with the territory of addiction . I don 't want this , I hate myself , I want to stop more than anything . It 's so damn hard . was jumped by a group of gang members a number of years ago . I was hospitalized , wound up with a concussion , broken jaw , 46 stitches and tens of thousands of medical bills I am still unable to pay . I know who all the gang members are and directly recognized one of the assailants and filed a police report . He had an " alibi " and nothing ever came of my case . I had run in with them again a few years after that and ended up with stitches and no charges sticking to my attackers . I see these gang members around town still . I get chased out of bars , and there are certain places I don 't frequent because I know they may be there . I bought a hand gun just a few short years ago for my own protection and knowing these guys are not just going to let me slide if they run into me again . I carry it if I know I 'll be in " problem areas " and neighborhoods where these guys may be . One night , not too long ago , my girlfriend an I were walking downtown to a construction zone where I could keep out of sight and still keep an eye on them . A half hour later two of them came walking across the street passed the construction zone . I popped out drew my gun and fired at them twice , unknowingly missing the first one , but hitting the other in the gut . He keeled over and let out a long groan before falling to the ground . I looked for the fist one and he was laying in the street a few yards away ( ducking for cover ) . Thinking I had hit them both I ran around the corner pocketed my gun then ran to hide by an over pass a number of blocks away . I texted my girlfriend , she came and met up with me , and we took a cab home which drove by the scene . The man that I shot is now in a wheel chair , paralyzed from the chest down . They ( the police , the gang members , the community ) didn 't know who shot them , they think it was rival gang members . I still see them around town . They are not any more weary , but I am armed and ready . I 've only told my best friend this story . He told me not to tell anyone else , not only because I could get in trouble , but because it would change peoples perception of me . My girlfriend never really asked what happened that night but she expects me to tell her at some point . a cane , to needing a walker , to complete wheelchair usage , and now completely bedridden . She has a urinary tract infection that is untreatable and is constantly in physical and emotional pain . She takes prescribed medication for depression and bipolar disorder , as well as sleeping pills . Throughout my childhood she has tried to kill herself three times because she wants the pain to stop . In the middle of the night , I bought something from a dealer and snuck into my house to give it to my mother . She passed away within 2 hours . My dad , sisters and brother have no clue . man in a coup de grace . The feelings of taking a man 's life always weigh a heavy burden on me every day . No one like 's hurting people . He had been hit by some of our mobile artillery . While part of me wanted the bastard to be in pain , it wasn 't right . My medic was busy with my wounded , and as the officer on duty I took out my . 45 and put one in his it as a fact of war , and kept walking . I remember throwing up afterwards . I came home and everyone acted like I was a hero . I never felt like more of a sham my entire life . 47 . I have herpes . I know that doesn 't sound like anything particularly horrible after these devastating tales of incest , rape and other sad / terrible / morally ambiguous situations , but I feel like it has ruined my life . I feel trapped , like I will never find someone who could actually like me enough to see past it . No one knows . No one would even suspect . I 'm quiet and nerdy , keep to myself , keep my nose clean , etc . But I am naive when it comes to guys . Or I was . A boyfriend in college didn 't tell me and gave it to me … and then cut off contact when I " realized " . I had only lost my virginity a year before that . I know it seems like nothing in comparison . I knows some would even find it funny . But you have no idea what it 's done to me . It 's destroyed want to walk to a nearby bridge and jump . I feel just … wasted . Even if you 're shy , you still at least have a chance with your crush or someone you like . With this , all my chances have dropped to zero . If you like someone , think about it … would you still like them , want to date them , if they had herpes ? 49 . My brother committed suicide in 1994 , shortly thereafter I intercepted a letter to my parents from his girlfriend . She was pregnant and wanted them to know and asked if they wanted to be in the babies life . I burned the letter and have never 50 . I 'm white and my wife is half black . I fantasize that she 's my slave when we have sex . She thinks I 'm the least racist person she 's ever known . Posted by |
What is patriotism ? " You 're just the latest reigning , vigilantes self - appointed cultural watchdogs of the moment , devoting countless hours and enviable resources to this bogus mission of stifling creative expression in the name of patriotism . . . It is wanton distraction , because lets just be forthright and honest about what is truly unpatriotic . Abject poverty is unpatriotic . The failure of our education system is unpatriotic . Lies told by presidents as justification for war is unpatriotic . It IS unpatriotic that elected lawmakers fail to acknowledge , let alone address , real desperation " ( Bette Porter character of the L Word ) . Posted by In childhood and through adolescents I went to my grandmother Jasmine 's house every weekend . And every weekend was spent with my mother sitting at the table making conversation with grandma , while my father either was off hunting with his cousins , or getting drunk and passing out . My mother would sit in her head replaying the moment when she made the mistake of marrying my father . And I wonder if she regretted it the very moment it happened . And through it all , I had no idea , and just assumed we were all happy and would live together forever . For 18 years , she probably wanted to runaway from the same mundane routine . Even though her routine is just as mundane as it always has been , it is at least on her terms as an independent woman . I have no doubt that she resents every bit of him , even though she made four beautiful children with him . As a kid , I was never aware of them having sex , until I overheard one conversation they had . Before they divorced , I wouldn 't be surprised if they weren 't having sex at all for months or longer . Because none of my siblings and I really had bedrooms or beds for that matter , sometimes we would sleep in my parents bedroom . One night I was pretending to be asleep in their room with the door open . I hear my mother saying something like " No " or some kind of refusal of sex , and I hear my father say , " So you expect me to jack off in the bathroom ? " And something in my mind changed from then on about my perspective on men and relationships . I quickly fell asleep . One day before I went to church , at the age of 14 or 15 , he sat at his computer desk after we got back from grandma Jasmines . There , an envelope with a letter inside was situated on the keyboard . He opened it up and looked at me : " Your mother wants to get a divorce . " I hug him and feel his confusion , and it 's no telling what he did when he dropped my siblings and I off at church . Mom was probably at my grandma Lucy and grandpa George 's house at the time , and stated that 's where she would be and to take care of the kids for now . Those months blurred together , because it seemed like he pleaded to mom and said he would change , and in fact quit drinking before all of this . Mom stayed at my grandparents , and dad put us on the bus for school and I really don 't remember him working much or at least not a lot back then while my mother worked nights as a nurse . When all of us went to bed , he stayed up watching porn in the dark kitchen with the computer light reflecting across his glasses . Eventually mom came back home and dad struggled to made some peace , and it just wasn 't working for mom , so she told dad to move out . He packed up some of his stuff to live with grandma Jasmine , funny enough , back in his old bedroom . I remember the day he was taking his stuff while everyone except me was out of the house , and he took our desktop computer ( the only thing in the world I treasured . ) And maybe it upset him because I didn 't cry that he was leaving , and I cried that he was taking the computer . I screamed for him to leave the computer . Another memory I have after that was dad moving back in , and that evening as I was pretending to nap on the couch , I hear conversations between my dad and brother . My dad said he wanted me to go with him to help him pack up his things , and my brother told him that I ( me ) thought dad was weird . I felt how uncomfortable that was for everybody in the room and so I get up and help dad pack up his shit again to bring back . Well very soon after that , he was moving back out to live with his mother . Quickly he got a job at a factory and dated some women . One black woman he wanted to date , his mother ( my racist grandmother ) told him he wasn 't allowed . Between all of those moments , I struggled with my own relationship with the boy next door . I felt like I was in the middle of my parents ' divorce , getting pushed and pulled and dragged , all the while I was sneaking my next door neighbor boyfriend in my bedroom at night to have sex . Surprisingly my dad never found the boy next door in my room even though we were very loud and the bed squeaked . Eventually my mom knocked on my door one night and asked who I was talking to , and of course I said : " I 'm talking to myself " because that 's actually not that weird for our family . The boy next door sneaked out of the window and shoeless into the night . During all of this horrible shit with my parents , I experienced my first love and breakup , and I dated another boy I had intercourse with a couple times , and I left him to go back with the boy next door . And not long afterwards , the boy next door became the man that has lived with me for the last 11 years . I went to college to party , get shit faced , high , tripped . And those years pass so fast , although it does seem like the hard parts never end . And I 've had terrible moments in my life that I feel will never end , and somehow they do resolve themselves - - but I 'm stuck replaying the past in my head . This is but one story of my life , and I am the product of the many other stories that form their own dimensions . I have some animosity left for my dad that may be because of my mother , but he is a changed person . He is a person I can 't relate to , I can 't have a conversation with , nor can I tell good stories or anything about my life because we are so distant - - I wouldn 't know where to begin . He really doesn 't know me and I don 't know him , and I write this to express what I remember of him and what he doesn 't know of me . Posted by preyed on me . One night after an art show , I kiss this boy in the back of his friends car ( the friend we are with at the diner ) . Somehow , through visceral abilities , he knew that I was up to something that night , to which he found out about everything , thus ending the relationship with the boy . And those feelings led to anger which had been building up from that night till this moment . " Well , I fucked Travis , and made out with Ron ! " I said in a puerile manner , to which he replied back , " Well , I cheated on you with a girl that I had up against the wall and fucked her until she came all over my dick . " " Nice , " I said . " Can we just go and watch this fucking movie ? " We left the diner to watch a movie . I was struggling to concentrate throughout the movie , and kept replaying the words we exchanged . Afterwards , the four of us got into my friend 's boyfriend 's car to go home . First we stopped at a gas station as the night grew on , and the dew on the car showed the evidence my friend and everyone else to witness . My friend 's boyfriend quickly says " Oh , I wrote that " as if that was going to come off as the truth . My partner gets out of the car and goes inside the store with my friend 's boyfriend while I wipe away the humiliation . that dimension of my life . I still hold onto the thoughts that puncture . Later that night , after our friends dropped us off at our house , I couldn 't hold back the tears any more . I ran to the corner of the living room and hid my face , and just like a man , he yelled at me until he found a way to have sex with me that night . Needless to say , my friends never double - dated with me ever again . Posted by about seven years ago . The bunker that I 've called home since I sold it . The entrance to it is well - hidden , but I still come and go very early / very late in the day . I 'm a single man who keeps to himself . I 'm now in a situation where I background and have made it appear to my family that I died on boat trip in the Pacific . No I am not joking . I am dead in the United States . 3 . I run a cake business . I charge people hundreds for wedding cakes … Every last one is made using Pillsbury cake mix I buy for $ 1 a box at Walmart . I suck at baking . Every time I 've ever tried to make a cake from scratch it sucked . But baking is like . . My whole deal . My friends all call me the cake girl . It 's like my whole life is a lie . People compliment my cakes all the time . Telling me how delicious they are . Telling me it 's so much better than box mix cake . Telling me they could never bake a cake so delicious . Well guess what ? For $ 1 , they too can make a cake just as delicious . Just add oil , eggs and water . In my defense , I love cake decorating . I make all of the frostings and fondant from scratch . I just hate baking fucking cakes ! ! I base my prices mostly on the decoration of the cakes and not of the cake itself of that makes sense . Still … No one knows about this except my husband . Even my best friends think I fucking slave over the oven mixing and baking these damn cakes . I have been doing this for YEARS . If anyone knew my business and reputation would be in the toilet for sure . : / I keep telling myself I have to learn how to make the damn cakes without the box mixes , but I never do it . I feel like such a sham sometimes . 4 . I once helped out my a female friend 's family by taking care of their cat for a week . Every day for a week , I would go over there and snoop around their house . I found my friend 's diary , and proceeded to read the entire thing . I used this information to get her to like me , and she is currently my wife . 6 . I faked the last two years of college education . My parents put so much pressure on me I couldn 't handle it ( I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety ) so I faked it all . Lied to everyone . Made up fake transcripts . I just got my foot in the door in my desired field thanks to a friend as they hired me as a subordinate . This place only hires college grads but no one double checked my credentials since I was recommended . My hopes is that if I need to find another job I 'll have been at this place long enough to get it by experience alone ( I work for a very prestigious company ) . I 'm not bad at my job . I 'm actually quite good . But my fear is eventually I 'll hit a wall and the lie will come to light . No one has known this for the better part of a decade . It 's a relief to finally say it " out loud . " I can 't even tell those I love . My silence is my prison . 7 . When I was 17 I had a argument with my father and told him to fuck off , later that evening he hung himself . Our argument was the last time he spoke to anyone in our family and for that I feel a terrible amount of guilt for . Instead of him saying good bye and I love you to my mom and brothers he got told to fuck off before he went and killed himself . My punishment is to live the rest of my days in shame and guilt . He never left a note either . 8 . I used to be a Police / Fire / 911 Dispatcher , but had to quit because it nearly made me suicidal . I actually had thoughts , but had to drive 40 miles to go to a center / hospital where no one knew me for help . I have nightmares about a few calls I took where the caller killed themselves , shot someone else , or passed away on the phone with me . To this day , a few years after resigning , I still can 't listen to a phone ring , or sirens go off without having a mild panic attack . I am fairly sure it 's a form of PTSD , with flashbacks , nightmares , panic attacks , and an inability to function sometimes , but I 'm embarrassed and scared to tell my fiancé , or go to a doctor for it . I know there are soldiers out there with real PTSD that deserve help far more than me … I am very good at hiding it though . I also sometimes wait until my fiancé goes to sleep , and I will then go sit and pretty much cry for several hours . It 's hell . people will do on their computers and say in their emails despite having to sign a waiver that all computer activity at work is monitored and recorded . I have half the company 's banking , social media and personal email account info and passwords . I know who is secretly banging who at the office behind their spouse 's backs . I know who is cybering at work and jerking it in the bathroom almost daily . At least they tell their sex chat partner they 're running off to the bathroom to jerk it , haven 't felt the need to check the validity of that one . I know when people are having martial problems , financial problems , I even know one person here is buying xanax and vicodins from . Basically I have a treasure trove of my coworker 's secrets . I won 't actively do anything with this info , but it 's nice knowing I have the ammunition there if something were to ever happen . was a girl who I had a crush on the moment I saw her on my college campus . She ended up dating a douchebag dude a few weeks later . I happened to end up sitting in a study room with him and a few mutual friends . He talked about how he didn 't think she was that attractive and cheating . The girl is now my girlfriend of 6 months . She has no idea ( and is sitting across from me in the library ) . I 've never told anyone this before . going through a divorce , my mom worked night shifts and my dad was living with a friend of his . One night my sister who was 19 at the time came home pretty drunk from a party . She was acting goofy and fell on the couch next to me . She started grabbing my leg and laughing and we started fondling . We ended up having sex right there . When we woke up the next day she had no recollection of the night before so i just kept my mouth shut . Fast forward to when i 'm 18 . Sister is home from college and dad is over for a visit . they get into an argument and in a fit of rage my dad announces how he has never forgiven her for the abortion she got when she was 19 and subsequently killing His grand child . ( he 's very religious ) . I then realize the baby she aborted was in fact mine … . . and as far as i me but one of my frat brothers in college knocked a girl up . A month later she had had lost the baby . I was using his phone one night to find my phone when his dad texted him , i swiped the lock causing it to open up the chat thread revealing the messages that explained the story . The day he found out he drove with some of our other brothers to Mexico and he came back with RU486 , the abortion pill . He had apparently spoken to his dad who forced him under threat of pulling him out of college and cutting him off to secretly sneak the girl the abortion pill . I dont know the logistics of how he did it but apparently he secretly poisoned her causing her to lose the baby . He has no idea I know and I doubt anyone else does . 15 . I accidentally killed seven people . I put a rag into a new water heater exhaust to keep debris out and installed it in a rental . I get a call a week later , there 's been an accident . I show up and there 's a ton of ems and police . They ask me where the gas shutoff is , and I go down to shut the gas off and see the end of the rag I forgot sticking out of the top of the heater . Ripped the rag out , shut the gas off and head upstairs only to be told all the tenants were DEAD . I drink all day now and sleep . It 's killing me from the inside every single day , but if I say anything my family is ruined ; we have a bunch of rental properties and we 'd be shut down . 16 . I hate all of my friends . Literally . I don 't have anything in common with any of them , and don 't care . But I 'm too scared to be alone and have no one else to go to so I keep hanging around with them . her breasts were developing . When home alone we would play a role play game where she was a boss and I was a secretary , and the boss would always sexually harass the secretary . It ended in my sucking on my sister 's breasts while she would lie on the couch with her shirt off . My memory has always been really horrible , so I only remember patches of this , but I remember that it never felt sexual . I don 't actually trust my memory enough to feel confident that this really happened . I love my sister , she 's my best friend and I would never want to damage our relationship by ever bringing this up and asking her what really happened . It is a secret I will carry with me and never reveal . 19 . I still have " imaginary friends . " I 'm almost 30 . I lost them for a while . I don 't know why or how , but it they were gone . I couldn 't see them or hear them any more , not the way I used to when I was younger . It made me was miserable . I kept hoping for a way to get them back . Two weeks ago , I somehow managed to finally break through whatever the barrier was . I have spent the past two weeks hanging out with , and talking to , a character from a well - known TV show . I can 't really " see " him visually , but I can see him with my mind 's eye . He goes almost everywhere with me . He 's sitting on my bed right now , waiting for me to get off my computer . ( I promised I would get off a little while ago , but I had to check reddit one last time . ) He 's been coming to work with me every day for the past two weeks . I share my food with him . ( I kind of mentally duplicate it for him , since he can 't touch it in reality . ) I love it . I 'm happy again . I realize most people would say he isn 't real , but something about him is . I don 't care . He 's real to me . smell it or whatnot . So I 'd put it inside my gas heater unit . Unfortunately my sock had caught on fire inside the unit , blew it up and set my house on fire . Only my brother was home at the time , and he managed to survive the house did not . For 5 years we stayed from caravan park to caravan park whilst we waited for confirmation that it was not arson and we could receive an insurance payout . We eventually did and scraped together money to start rebuilding the house . The house is still being rebuilt to this day and it shames me anytime I have to visit my parents living in a tiny mobile home where my backyard once was . 21 . I have been pretending to be colorblind to everyone I have ever known , including my own parents since I was in 3rd grade . I am now 28 years old . I even convinced an optometrist of it . 22 . When I was 13 I caught my father in bed with my 15 year old brother 's girlfriend ( also 15 ) . I haven 't seen her since , but I 've been blackmailing my father with it for 23 . I was hit by a truck a few years back and was diagnosed with retrograde amnesia and awarded a 2 . 5 million dollar settlement . I have used this money to move into Florida and I currently live in Boca Raton . I faked the whole thing because I hated by life and wanted an excuse to leave . I haven 't seen my family since and have made a new life . 25 . After graduating from high school , I went to a small out - of - state college where no one from high school knew me . I was told many times how impressive my false Australian accent was , so I decided it would be great fun to go through college pretending to be from Australia . All of my friends and even my girlfriend of two years think I 'm Australian . I have a completely fake Australian identity , family , and past . I will soon be graduating , and I plan on asking the girl to marry me . Everything she knows about me is Australian I don 't know how to tell her she doesn 't really know me . Guess I 'm forever a bloke . to all the blood . When I eventually recovered , I called the ambulance and stayed with my uncle , he died in the back of the ambulance , holding my hand . No one knows about what happened to me , and if they did they would realize that I 'm the reason he 's dead . 27 . I 've never attempted to kill myself , and I doubt I ever will , but I just want to die . I 'm an incredibly happy guy odd enough . I truthfully am happy , but whenever I think about getting shot , or getting cancer , I get a little excited . I wish I was one of those deaths on the news , shoot I 'd love to take someones place , they want to be here more than me . I 'll never actually kill myself even if its just for the sake of others who need me , but I can 't stop wishing that someone else would kill me . I 'm done being here , I 'm done dealing with the crap . I 'm just burnt out and I have a little pillow and assortment of blankets that I pretend is this girl I like . She would never like me in real life ( in fact , she doesn 't ) , so I just play pretend . It 's inherently creepy but it 's what keeps me from being a total wreck all the time . Christian household , so I was too scared to tell my parents . They also didn 't know that I was dating my boyfriend of the time , because he is Hispanic . I decided to get an abortion , but didn 't have the money to fund it . My boyfriend had a job , but kept encouraging me to keep the baby . I tried and tried to gather the $ 300 - 600 necessary for it , but it was so hard . I ended up having to order RU486 ( the abortion pill ) from a sketchy website online with my own money , because I was so scared and desperate . I ended up getting really sick from it and had to explain everything to my mom on the way to the hospital . Since I hadn 't gone to the doctor before , I wasn 't aware of how far along I was . I was over 6 months pregnant , and had hid it from everyone in my life , other than my boyfriend . I hadn 't imagined the emotional side effects , or what would happen afterwards . I ended up giving birth to a baby much bigger than I could have even imagined , and he suffocated to death almost immediately . I got investigated by a homicide detective . I hated myself to the core and still do a few months later . The thing is , that no one would expect this from me . At all . People think of me as such a " goody two shoes " and I was recently voted " class clown . " No one could imagine that I had an illegal , late - term abortion at 3 in the morning . No one could even tell that I was 6 months pregnant , because I only gained 6 or 7 pounds . No one would imagine that I 'm being investigated by the homicide detectives go look at generic groceries so I decided I would just spend my time hanging out in the toy aisle , in the toy aisle there would always be these bags of marbles that other kids would open and leave laying there so I decided to fling marbles across the floor and one just happened to reach one of the far off aisles . So about two minutes later I hear a loud crash and someone scream " Somebody help this man ! " . Being the curious child I was , I ran over to see what the commotion was about and I the ladder as he was getting something off the top shelf . The guy is seizing out and blood is coming from his head as he laid there and his face seemed to be turning blue . My mother whisked me and my cousins away and we left . Next time we went we talked to the front cashier and she said that they called the paramedics but by the time they got there he had died from choking . Apparently when he had the seizure he was choking on his own tongue . The cause for the fall according to the front cashier was that he had put the ladder on a marble and didn 't check it before he got on it . When I heard what the cashier said I just stood in disbelief thinking I was going to jail , I tried telling my mother many times but all she did was say that I imagined it . 33 . My mom died when I was 17 and when it comes up I use it to garner attention for myself . In reality , I never met her and she has never meant anything to me other then a name . I feel so empty 34 . I told my entire family I was able to transfer out of community college and into a university , but I never finished up the requirements . So since I live at home , every day instead of going to school I go to the local library and bs . My lies are so extensive , I even go to the campus and meet my girlfriend for lunch sometimes . I 've made fake transcripts to show my family , and to make it look like I 'm actually studying I go to MIT opencourseware to look up facts that I " learned in class " that day . I have become a remarkable liar . I hope to be transferring in the fall and then I look forward to living a normal life . Coming clean is not an option at this point . 35 . After my mother left my father , he developed a really inappropriate attachment to me . I was 19 and my brother moved in with his girlfriend . Dad was suicidal , and had no family or friends close by , so I was it . For the first year , he would sleep . After 4 years of cleaning up after him , making sure he ate , and generally remained alive , I discovered that he had been using the attic access in his closet to sit above my personal bathroom and watch me through a peephole . I wanted to dismiss it as paranoia , but there were too many physical signs that made it reality . Moved out shortly after that because I couldn 't bear to look at him . I 'm 29 now , and no one in my family has any idea that this ever happened . I know that he was going had a boyfriend or a girlfriend . There 's nothing physically wrong with me , nor am I unpleasant to look at . I masturbate a few times a month , mostly because of a biological need rather than actual desire , I guess . I 've never fantasised about anyone or felt any physical desire for anyone . 39 . Me and my cousin have been doing it for 10 years now . It started when she was 12 and I was 13 . We had to babysit the younger kids in our family while the parents went to a 41 . I do not have a lot of confidence , and can never ask girls out . I met my current wife by installing a keystroke logger on her computer , and intercepting facebook messages and chats with her friends until I confirmed she liked me . That way I knew exactly how to approach her . I orchestrated our entire early courtship to my advantage . If she knew she would likely divorce me use every single day . Everyone in my life - even the people closest to me - think that I have been clean for over a year . I 'm a good actor and liar , it comes with the territory of addiction . I don 't want this , I hate myself , I want to stop more than anything . It 's so damn hard . was jumped by a group of gang members a number of years ago . I was hospitalized , wound up with a concussion , broken jaw , 46 stitches and tens of thousands of medical bills I am still unable to pay . I know who all the gang members are and directly recognized one of the assailants and filed a police report . He had an " alibi " and nothing ever came of my case . I had run in with them again a few years after that and ended up with stitches and no charges sticking to my attackers . I see these gang members around town still . I get chased out of bars , and there are certain places I don 't frequent because I know they may be there . I bought a hand gun just a few short years ago for my own protection and knowing these guys are not just going to let me slide if they run into me again . I carry it if I know I 'll be in " problem areas " and neighborhoods where these guys may be . One night , not too long ago , my girlfriend an I were walking downtown to a construction zone where I could keep out of sight and still keep an eye on them . A half hour later two of them came walking across the street passed the construction zone . I popped out drew my gun and fired at them twice , unknowingly missing the first one , but hitting the other in the gut . He keeled over and let out a long groan before falling to the ground . I looked for the fist one and he was laying in the street a few yards away ( ducking for cover ) . Thinking I had hit them both I ran around the corner pocketed my gun then ran to hide by an over pass a number of blocks away . I texted my girlfriend , she came and met up with me , and we took a cab home which drove by the scene . The man that I shot is now in a wheel chair , paralyzed from the chest down . They ( the police , the gang members , the community ) didn 't know who shot them , they think it was rival gang members . I still see them around town . They are not any more weary , but I am armed and ready . I 've only told my best friend this story . He told me not to tell anyone else , not only because I could get in trouble , but because it would change peoples perception of me . My girlfriend never really asked what happened that night but she expects me to tell her at some point . a cane , to needing a walker , to complete wheelchair usage , and now completely bedridden . She has a urinary tract infection that is untreatable and is constantly in physical and emotional pain . She takes prescribed medication for depression and bipolar disorder , as well as sleeping pills . Throughout my childhood she has tried to kill herself three times because she wants the pain to stop . In the middle of the night , I bought something from a dealer and snuck into my house to give it to my mother . She passed away within 2 hours . My dad , sisters and brother have no clue . man in a coup de grace . The feelings of taking a man 's life always weigh a heavy burden on me every day . No one like 's hurting people . He had been hit by some of our mobile artillery . While part of me wanted the bastard to be in pain , it wasn 't right . My medic was busy with my wounded , and as the officer on duty I took out my . 45 and put one in his it as a fact of war , and kept walking . I remember throwing up afterwards . I came home and everyone acted like I was a hero . I never felt like more of a sham my entire life . 47 . I have herpes . I know that doesn 't sound like anything particularly horrible after these devastating tales of incest , rape and other sad / terrible / morally ambiguous situations , but I feel like it has ruined my life . I feel trapped , like I will never find someone who could actually like me enough to see past it . No one knows . No one would even suspect . I 'm quiet and nerdy , keep to myself , keep my nose clean , etc . But I am naive when it comes to guys . Or I was . A boyfriend in college didn 't tell me and gave it to me … and then cut off contact when I " realized " . I had only lost my virginity a year before that . I know it seems like nothing in comparison . I knows some would even find it funny . But you have no idea what it 's done to me . It 's destroyed want to walk to a nearby bridge and jump . I feel just … wasted . Even if you 're shy , you still at least have a chance with your crush or someone you like . With this , all my chances have dropped to zero . If you like someone , think about it … would you still like them , want to date them , if they had herpes ? 49 . My brother committed suicide in 1994 , shortly thereafter I intercepted a letter to my parents from his girlfriend . She was pregnant and wanted them to know and asked if they wanted to be in the babies life . I burned the letter and have never 50 . I 'm white and my wife is half black . I fantasize that she 's my slave when we have sex . She thinks I 'm the least racist person she 's ever known . Posted by |
Well , I have been really sick for the last few days . Yesterday I slept most of the day only to get out of bed when I had to . While I was watching TV keeping myself company I noticed whiffs of smoke moving around the bedroom close to the bed then disappearing . When I closed my eyes images of people 's faces were coming in and out of focus in my mind 's eye . After that I started to see a life boat and someone falling out of the boat . I quickly opened my eyes wondering what that was all about but when I went back to see if I could catch anything it was gone . Still to sick to pursue it I closed my eyes , and went to sleep . Today I am feeling much better , and have been able to be up , and about the house . The only thing is that I have noticed that something has changed . This morning as I was coming out of the kitchen with a cup of tea I saw a solid image of a women sitting at my desk facing the window . Surprised I had to do a double take , and when I did she was gone . Later in the afternoon I was in the kitchen heating up some chicken soup , and had just picked it up to move to the kitchen table when I bumped into a tall man walking around the corner from the living room . Startled I gasped almost spilling my soup , and in a flash he was gone . Again he was not a whiff of smoke but in full view almost solid . Even while I was typing I saw a black cat sitting on the table next to my desk . The cat was not one of my pets and quite solid sitting there watching me write . As my brain seems to be slow in registering to what I am seeing it faded away . Seems to be strange ? I almost forgot to mention . They had layoffs yesterday at my husband 's work . The good news is that he still has a job . The sad news is that there were people that the company let go . I am grateful for the dreams letting us know that things were about to change in our lives . I felt the earth tremble this morning waking me up out of a deep sleep . Then as I was coming into consciousness of the physical world I had this feeling that we had an intruder in the house . As I started to open my eyes I saw my husband getting dressed for work when he noticed me . Immediately he began to tell me that we had a tornado that passed by our home taking out the neighbor 's tree . Then he went on to say that the town next to us had tornadoes which came our way coming close to our home . Still trying to wake up I listened to what he was telling me thinking well that must be what I felt when the earth moved this morning . He went on to tell me that we had an intruder in the house while we slept , and he was looking everywhere , but couldn 't find anyone . Then he said that he even checked the pantry , the wash room , and the dinning room . That is when I realized that what he was telling me must be a dream . I asked him straight out if he was dreaming , and he said , " yes " . That made sense , but I had picked up those images when I was waking up . I could still feel the earth vibrating in my bones when I was waking up . " How strange " , I thought . After he left I got up making a cup of coffee , and went on about my morning . Later on he called me , and told me that his company had just announced that they were merging with another company . His company was having a meeting this morning at 11am to talk about it with all the employees . As he spoke his dream came into focus as I could see that it meant that there may be chaos around us , and people whom we know will be up rooted . The intruder in the dream was another sign of something changing in our lives without us inviting it . Hmmm . . . . It was neither good , or bad . It was change that is heading our way , and to get ready for it . . . . Posted by Another good question came up this weekend and I want to address it . The question was if living people can haunt you . The answer is " yes " . From my own experience I have been haunted by the living . Many years ago I had a friend whom I loved very dearly but it came to a point where the relationship became toxic and we had to part ways . This is one of those relationships where you have to cut all communication so that each of you can move on and heal learning from the experience without judgement . A few weeks after the break up . I woke up to my friend 's voice screaming my name . Startled I sat up in bed hearing my friend crying out asking where I was . I shook off the whole experience feeling a bit unnerved as it did feel like they were just in the other room of the house yelling at me . A few days later my friend called me on my cell and wanted to know where I was . We did talk but it was confirmation that it was best that we both move on . A month later I had a little get together at my home . One of the people who was attending looked up toward the back door and asked who that was standing there in the living room . I followed her gaze to see a blurred image of the person whom I used to call my friend . Everyone in the room saw the image and asked who that was as it faded from our sight . I bust into tears explaining the whole situation and what was happening to me . That was not the first visit or the last for a long while until I found a teacher who explained and validated for me that living people can haunt just like the spirits . She told me that the way to handle this was to work with the other person 's higher self in complete unconditional love allowing the person to let go to bring healing to all . After working with my teacher to heal that relationship on the astral level we were able to work it out . Now , only once in a great while out of the blue we still make a connection but it is nothing like it was . When it happens it all comes in as a knowing with knowledge of the other person not a full visit . Okay last night was amazing . I have been working on trying to problem solve in a situation that has fallen into my lap . I must admit that I have been getting a little anxious about getting it done . Last night when I received an email that was not what I was hoping to hear I had to take some time to rethink the next step in the best interest of the situation . That is when I decided to sleep on it and was just to tired to think . I went to bed falling quickly into sleep . I got up again around 1 am realizing that the air was a little think with energy . It felt a lot like a room packed with people in it . As I came to full consciousness I turned on the light noticing that the room had really changed as the air seemed almost think enough to see it . Okay now I wasn 't just feeling it I was also seeing it . I let myself explore the energy that surrounded our bedroom , and it all seemed to be very loving , and supportive . I did a quick check on my husband who was fast asleep . All seemed good . That is when the inspiration for the response to the email that I had received earlier came to me . I was in a space of unconditional love , and the words started to flow clearly within my mind . Quickly I got out of bed , and went to the computer typing out an email feeling loved , and supported by everyone in the room . I knew that I wasn 't alone . There were others on the other side trying to help solve the problem that I was facing . It was beautiful ! After that I thanked everyone in the room for their help , and climbed back in bed falling asleep until this morning when the cat jumped on me waking me up to feed her . Yesterday I spent time with my daughter who I told her about what I had seen on the ceiling . Her first question to me was what kind of energy was in when I saw that . Then she asked if they wanted anything . I told her " no " since I didn 't ask . This morning I realized that last night I was in an energy that needed help . I didn 't have to ask for help as my energy of being frustrated in trying to solve the problem was sent out in my subconscious mind , and from my energy field . That is why the room was filled with others who wanted to help me find an answer . Again , I am reminded what my guides said to me the other day about being mindful of what I was attracting in my life at this time . I do want to make a note . . . . . . that during the day I have noticed that I get so involved with my physical life as I do errands , or meet with people that I am less aware of what is going on with the other side . Sometimes when I am not as distracted I will often run into ghosts , or beings that are out , and about so it is not something that is only going on at the house . It is just that when I am at home there seems to be less distractions , and I am more in tune with what is happening on both sides . This includes the evenings , and when I wake up at night . Last night I did get a little nervous when I got a flash for a few seconds of someone crawling on the ceiling of the entry way of our home . That was really usually for me as I see ghosts hovering , or standing so it was odd for me to see them upside down crawling on the ceiling . It did remind me of something that was out of a horror movie . They were going towards the door leading outside so I kept my fear in check so not to attract attention while doing a double check making a quick connection with my energy field . I wanted to make sure they were friendly . There was no cause for alarm as they didn 't have any interest in us at all so I let it be . Today I was in the living room visiting with my daughter when someone passed right between us . It was so subtle that I almost didn 't catch it . The whiff of smoke emerged between us , and disappeared almost before I realized what had happened . I have gotten used to ghosts moving around the house but my eyes still catch the movement taking my brain longer to process it . Posted by This morning as I was driving to see one of my Reiki clients I was nearly hit by a man merging to get off the highway . I dodged around him with my small Mini Cooper making a clean pass without a mishap . As I moved on down the highway traffic came to a stand still . Five minutes later I was sitting there with the rest of the cars waiting for the traffic to move . For some reason I just happened to look up in my rear view mirror just in time to see a women changing lanes coming over into my lane . What startled me was that she didn 't seem to notice that the cars had stopped . As I sat there with cars all around me with no place to go I realized I had to get her attention . Quickly I glanced in my side mirror , and in that split second she saw me stopping just in time to see my car . We sat there for a second looking at each other in the mirror feeling that connection as we both acknowledged a narrow miss . Soon after this event traffic started to move , and within a few seconds we were all sailing down the road as cars began to thin out with the mix - masters . I was relieved , and started to pray asking for protection . I also used my Reiki Symbols blessing the car . Two close misses had got my heart racing . As I got closer to see my client a bird flew up from the side of the road just missing my car . It was close enough that I saw it 's white , and gold belly as it flew towards my windshield , and up over the car . By that time I had had it ! The universe was trying to tell me something , and I needed to know what it was as things were being flung at me . Once I was able to see my client , and start home I opened my Akashic Records , and asked the record keepers what was going on . They said , " I happened to be in a space where I could attract things in my life , and for me to pay attention to what I was attracting . " What I didn 't mention earlier was that my husband has had a neck ache for the last few day which the guides said was due to stress . We tried working it out of his body , but it wouldn 't release . This morning he woke up with it gone , and I woke up with the neck ache . We transferred the energy , and I took on his stress . He felt great , and I hurt . During the Reiki session the Reiki energy not only helped my client , but took the stress , and neck pain away from me . I also used positive affirmations looking for unconditional love , and joy within myself . When I found it an overwhelming feeling of love burst out of my heart dissolving any stress that I seemed to carry . I felt like a child playing peek - a - boo when someone takes the blanket off of you . Pure joy , and delight shot through me making me feel all giddy . Later on while I was out driving again things that I would have considered to be annoying only brought laughter that spread through the cabin of the car . The day continued to be full of joy as I loved being with all of the special people in my life that I came in contact with . So much has happened since I last wrote . Saturday morning I woke up to song birds singing by my window . It was such a beautiful song that I decided that my day was going to be filled with laughter . The morning was a joy spending time with my family , but in the afternoon I received a phone call from my mom that my family in California had a little bit of an emergency . Everyone is okay , but for a while we were all in that state anxiousness . I did find that prayer and Reiki are very powerful in those times since I couldn 't be there in person , but I could still help in my own way . Sunday was amazing as I was honored to teach a Reiki Class . Again finding that connection with the Reiki energy from Source , and sharing that with the students is always such an amazing process . When I explain Reiki I let people know that it is a prayer without words . I have to admit that it was fun during the class as flashes of lights moved around the room letting me know that the curious from the other side were wanting to see what was going on while the class was being taught . I didn 't focus my attention on the ghosts because my attention was on my students , but when the students left the ghosts made their presence known . Smoke passing through the living room , and moving in , and out of the dining room . When I finely went to bed last night I had people drop in as I was falling asleep telling me things that were going on during the day . I was too tried to really listen , and found myself asleep waking up this morning refreshed . Wow , a lot has happened since just yesterday . Yesterday morning I was dealing with an animal abuse situation which pushed my buttons . I don 't condone any cruelty to any animals , or human being . The whole situation knocked me into having to deal with my own anger . Because of it all I ended up feeling numb for a few hours until I could talk it out with my Aunt , and one of my dearest friends so that I could deal with my anger . By the time I looked at the clock I realized it was getting late , and the medium circle that I started to attend once a month was going to start within an hour . I also realized that I had not made a reservation so I called the store The Power of the Rainbow that was hosting the circle , and let them know I was coming . The connection was really bad on the phone as it kept going in , and out finally Tray the owner said to just come on , and we would take care of the paperwork when I got there . The medium circle is lead by David Scott a local medium in Arlington , TX . I have to admit I really enjoy the circle , and the way that he works with his students . David started the group by giving a short lecture which covered dealing with our own fears . Then he reminded us that if we are to do this work we have to be really open to unconditional love , and clear out our heart chakra . I knew in that moment I was thinking , " Great . . . . . " I was not feeling the warm fuzzes with my heart after the morning 's event . During the whole class I could feel , and see flashes of people coming into the circle from the other world . I was trying my best to clear out my emotions , and feel the love . I did come to some place were I felt I belonged , and love spread through me for a few moments , but there was no joy . I couldn 't find the joy . I think somewhere I felt let down by the cruelty in the world , and it was still hiding out in my heart . I felt blocked , heavy , and stuck in my own emotions . Another women in the group later on voiced that she was experiencing a heaviness , and a blockage that wouldn 't allow her to get messages . Several people spoke up to help her who had been practicing for years . I think what really hit me last night was what one women said was that , " One of the main things that people should know is if they are working on being a communicator they have to deal with their own Crap " . She went on to explain that when you are communicating with spirit you need to know what is them , and what is you . She also mentioned that , " Many people who are learning to do this work will also find that their crap will come up , and they have to work on healing it . It is just part of it , and what will eventually lead to a good communicator . " David also said , " that the heart Chakra is the bridge into the other world , and if you are not connected with that unconditional love then you will experience a breakdown in the connection . " Again I went internally into myself , and looked at my own blockage . I could see , and feel the people in the room on both sides , but was not able to communicate with my heart . When I checked in again I realized I was numb . I had shut down , and I had felt that if my heart was closed then I would not feel the pain that I felt this morning . This was strange as I was in a room with so many people who were full of love , but I was still shut down . Wow , I still have so much to learn , and I need to work on my heart energy . Posted by I have been obsessed with painting for the last two days . Even with this distraction I have realized that my father has not crossed over . Last night in my dreams I received the message very clearly that my father has not crossed into the light . This morning I called my mother , and asked her if she would talk to my dad , and ask him to cross . I know it is time for him to go , and I also know that my mother who is his soul mate is the one who can talk to him about going on into the light . From his point of view I can see that he has been very concerned about things that are going on in our lives , and not letting go of us . I checked in with my own emotions , and was sure that I was happy for him . I personally have no reason to hold him in this plane of existence for him not to cross . I asked my mom to ask my little sister , and see if she is I noticed lots of flickering of lights in the house when walking from room to room yesterday . We were to busy catching up with things that needed to be taken care of to pay a lot of attention to it . When we finally took a break last night I felt someone move through the living room while I was sitting visiting with my husband . The presence was made known as the energy shifted in the room . When this happened it got my attention , and for a second I saw a cloud of while smoke . Before I could ask who was there my husband had turned on the Television to watch a sitcom that he had recorded . Distracted I followed him in watching the show , and after that turned in for the night . There were no interruptions with my sleep . I did however talk to my mom this morning , and she reminded me that yesterday was my father 's birthday . He would have been 90 . What I didn 't mention is that he used to make gypsy wagons that hitched up to horses as one of his art projects . One summer when I was 16 I spent the summer with him , and we went on a trip with the wagon on the road in Arizona . We camped out for a month . Speaking of which I wonder if he knew that I liked Stevie Nicks ? I did have my tape player with my headphones , but I don 't remember if I told him about the tapes that I listened to when I had free time to myself . He was an artist , and a builder who kept busy with projects if he was not working with the animals that he had . I do know that there were a few times I did wonder if it was him the other nights but didn 't get the conformation except maybe the song Gypsy . It has been awhile since he has contacted me . I have asked for confirmation if it is him , and I will expand my energy to see if I can find if it is him , or someone else that is in the house . Now my curiosity is up ! I finally slept through the night ! I woke up this morning around 6 am which is good for me , but welcomed . I was coming out of my sleep thinking about the day , and wondering if there was anything that I needed to document in my diary . I couldn 't think of anything out of the ordinary when I heard my guide say , " Think back on yesterday very carefully " . " Okay , " since that sounded like good advice I went over the day 's events . Let 's see , I was making coffee , and feeding pets in the kitchen when I saw a man standing in the doorway of the dinning room . He was there for a second watching me , and when I noticed him he vanished . The rest of the day was with friends , and family . " Oh , " My husband , and I were invited by some friends to see the movie " 47 Ronin " at the dollar theater which I had never heard of , but was happy to be invited . As the four of us were sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start two ghosts shuffled past us moving from the right to the left . Amused all I could do was smile to myself thinking , " How funny we forget that everyone likes movies . " The movie was not what I expected , but was a nice surprise as we were entertained . After the movie as we were waiting on the bathrooms my best friend 's boyfriend who knows I see ghosts asked how I liked the ghosts . The question jogged my memory of the two ghosts who I had seen earlier which made me excited thinking he had seen them . I immediately responded , " Oh , you saw the two ghosts move past us as we were sitting there ! " As I watched him stare back at me in shock with a frozen expression on his face I realized that he was talking about something else . Then I remembered the small scene in the movie where the warriors went to find swords to fight with , and had to go through a forest with ghosts to get to the supernatural world . " Yes , " I quickly responded . " I liked that scene ! " trying to smile as my husband changed the topic to the more intense subject of the death of the Samurai . As I stood there shaking the feeling of awkwardness off I made a quick mental note that I sometimes forget that seeing , and talking to ghosts is not something that everyone is used to even when they know that you do . The other part of the day that I want to make a note of is that I did look up the lyrics of the song " Gypsy " by Stevie Nicks . It was interesting to me , but I still didn 't understand why it was playing in my head the other night . I decided to look up what the song meant , and the inspiration behind the song . I have to say that the story behind the account of the inspiration brought tears to my eyes . Later in the day I tried to bring back the feelings into my body that were so prevalent during the experience . I couldn 't reach the emotions to experience them again within my physical body all that was left , and all that I could find was the memory of having the experience . I asked my guides if there was something I needed to learn from that experience , and have not gotten an answer . Sometimes they don 't give me answers until it is time for me to know , or if it is something that I need to learn for myself . The only conclusions I can think of is that either someone was trying to share the experience with me , or that I was getting a message from the song that I haven 't understood yet . I did complain to the guides , and any ghosts around me that it is better when they come to share if they would just talk using words . I quickly got the answer that , " Sometimes ghosts can only communicate with feelings , images , symbols , signs and songs if that is how they know how to communicate , or if I am blocked for some reason . " This made me ask , " Am I blocked ? " I got no answer . . . Well , then I guess we shall see what comes up . Last night I was in one of my dreams when I was awoken by someone playing the Stevie Nicks song " Gypsy " really loud . As I came to full consciousness I realized that the song was playing in my head . I could hear the words , music , and voice as the song continued playing over , and over . Frustrated that I was awake , as the song kept on playing I decided to check the time by turning on the light . Before I could turn on the light I caught myself thinking that I already knew the time to be 3 am . Sure enough when the light came on the clock read 3 am . I want to note that I haven 't heard that song in ages . I was a Stevie Nicks fan when I was sixteen , but that has been awhile . I have heard the song on the radio , off , and on over the years , but it has still been a while so there was no need for that song to get stuck in my head last night . As I struggled to free myself of the song " Gypsy " it continued to play without stopping . Trying to find an explanation I went over the day remembering what had happened searching for an answer . My son had come to visit , and hung out with me in the morning . We didn 't have too much unusual going on . We watched a movie , " The Fifth Estate " although I did see someone in the dining room walking by the door from the living room where we were sitting . The lights flickered in the kitchen when I was cleaning up from breakfast . During the movie we paused it for a few moments in which the whole system crashed . My son tried everything , but couldn 't get it to work so we moved to another room to finish watching . As soon as I closed the door when my son left I turned around to face the living room , and definitely saw a person walking out of the living room into the office . For me a usual day of things going on . Twenty minutes later I am still laying there wanting to go back asleep listening to my husband breath as it seemed to anchor me to this world . Then as I lay there I got this scratchy grieving feeling in the middle of my back that spread up my spine expanded into my lungs and then settled in my throat . I felt like you do when you want to cry but are too choked up to do so . One of our pets noticed me , and jumped on the bed curling up next to me trying to comfort me . I was touched , but was caught up in the emotions I was experiencing . Then this overwhelming anxiousness took over as a feeling like I was being warned about something that was going to happen in the future , and there was nothing I could do about it . Fully awake I couldn 't shake the feeling no matter how much I tried although the song was only lightly playing in the background . I would say I stayed that way for another twenty minutes , and then it left me completely except I could still hear the song . Something woke me up again in the middle of the night . No matter how hard I tried I couldn 't go back to sleep . As I lay there my mind started racing , so I decided to get up . I stumbled over to my desk finding some paper work that needed to be filed . When I looked at the clock it read 3 am . Feeling tired I decided to go back to bed hoping to fall asleep . I got back into bed , and turned off the lights . Just as I closed my eyes I saw a flash of white light that looked like a lightening bolt light up my eyelids . Startled I opened my eyes looking for lightning , or any source that it might have come from . After not finding any cause I shrugged it off as a fluke , or that I was just tired . I closed my eyes again only this time when I did it was like someone had turned on the lights in the room . A mix of white , and yellow light peaked through my closed eyelids making me think that the lights were on . I opened my eyes only to find the room completely dark . There was no light shining , or anything on that could have been that bright . Chuckling to myself I realized that someone was messing with me . I rolled over closing my eyes still wanting to fall asleep , but not wanting to engage with whomever , or whatever was there . Then I heard something fall on the floor which made me open my eyes again . This time when I did I saw the outline of my covers coated with a glow of white light . I wasn 't startled only amazed as I watched the glow slowly fade away . I didn 't know what it was , but still felt like I wasn 't alone . I glanced over at my sleeping husband who was sound asleep . Not knowing what to do I sat up in bed , and turned on the lamp sitting on my night stand . Light lit up the room allowing me to see all the furniture in our bedroom . While I sat there surveying the room a white mist rolled over my right shoulder , and across my lap . As it did I felt some of it move through my body as it passed by me , and disappeared before my eyes . For some reason I wasn 't scared only feeling like it , whatever it was was only playing with me . I sat there for a moment soaking in what had just happened then turned off the light . I laid there for awhile before finally falling asleep . Posted by My little sister came into town this past weekend , and we started reminiscing about things in our lives . One of the stories that came up was something that happened to me a few years ago when I was really starting to learn about the spiritual world again . As I told her the story we started to laughing as it all happened quite innocently . It was after our dad passed away , and during that time I had been getting reacquainted with shamanism . I was trying to reconnect with our dad , and started to get into drumming . One day I got a newsletter from a local store that they were hosting a drumming circle . I was excited , and was really feeling the need to get out of the house . I called one of my Reiki friends asking if they wanted to go , but they had other plans that evening so I decided to go on my own . I remember looking at the clock waiting then driving out excited to meet other people who had the same interest . I parked close , picked up my drum which was carefully laid in blankets in the back seat , and walked into the store . I was then greeted with the normal scene of people mulling around looking at the beautiful stones , and minerals that were for sale as they waited for the event to start . Feeling a little awkward I walked up to the store owner , and asked about the drumming circle . Looking at my drum inquisitively he cocked his head to the side explaining that the drumming circle was scheduled for the following evening . I felt this rush of energy serge through my bones of embarrassment as I smiled back at him , and asked politely what was going on that evening . Taking my cue he said that it was a spirit gallery . By then people in the room had over heard our conversation , and were starting to snicker as it was funny . My ego kicked in , and I raised my head proudly telling him that I would stay . Inside I was blaming my dyslexia , but the honest truth was it was just too humiliating to walk out the door . My drum accompanied me into the other room where the spirit gallery was being held . The chairs were all set up in a circle , and people were beginning to find their seats . I quickly found a chair trying my best to become invisible feeling a little annoyed with myself for staying . At the time I didn 't feel like I needed to be there since I talked to ghosts all the time . As I was sitting there thinking about how to slip out of the room unnoticed the owner of the shop came in introducing the medium . His name was David Scott , and what caught my attention was that he had been trained in the United Kingdom at the Arthur Findlay collage . That really piqued my curiosity so I decided to stay . David was soft spoken yet there was a gentle strength in his voice . He took command of the room quickly clearing , and opening it up to spirit with a guided meditation . The energy in the room seemed to settle down calming any anxiety that people were carrying . I noticed that my own feelings had relaxed as he went into the readings . It was the second reading that he was beginning when the information hit me like an arrow . There was no doubt it was my father . The information that he brought into the reading where things that I had forgotten , and left behind in my early childhood . That was the time that my father , and I were the closest . I was reminded of sleeping out under the stars with our bedrolls as he told me stories about the constellations , and about the universe weaving stories frrm other cultures of how it all worked . Then I realized that I had not spoken up , or raised my hand that the message was clearly for me as he went into more detail of that experience . I waved my hand grateful to hear evidence that my father was in the room . Usually I make contact with those I love , but hadn 't been able to communicate with my dad . I was at loss for words . It was a powerful reading for me that I never expected . At the end of it he had a message for my mother who was living in California which I didn 't understand at all . As soon as the gallery ended I left deciding to call my mom on the way home since we have a time difference knowing she was still up . I related the message to her , and she burst into tears . She told me that just the other day she was thinking about that one thing . I was shocked ! Somewhere in the back of my mind I was reminded that " there are no coincidences in the universe " . Posted by I was visiting with someone very dear to me , and they confided about something that I wanted to address . It was that the person had had some experiences where they noticed that their consciousness would sometimes leave their body , and they would find themselves looking through the eyes of another person . They were very much aware that they were not in their own body , but someone else 's experiencing what the other person was experiencing . When I heard this I knew right away what they were talking about because it has also happened to me . I call this body jumping . There are other teachers who call it something else , but that is the best term that I can describe it as . It has nothing to do with possession . That would be a complete misconception . What I understand from this experience is that yes , it is very real . It is also apart of astral traveling which can be on purpose , or not on purpose . The only difference is that instead of being just separate from your physical body you end up merging into someone else 's . The person who I am going to call the host may know you are there , or they may not know that you are inside of them . Now this may sound strange , but the shaman , and medicine men have been doing this for ages . It is merging one consciousness with another . The medicine men , or shaman did this when they went into trance , and would jump into an animal such as a buffalo to find where the herds were grazing . Then after gathering the information form the surroundings they would then come back , and tell the tribe . Then the whole tribe would gather up all their belongings , and move to where the herds were grazing . It was all about survival . This gift has also been used to merge into the clouds to bring rain . Several years ago it started to happen to me randomly , and I began to search for answers for why it was happening . What I thought was going on was that it was all about compassion , but what I discovered was that it is also about matching patterns . Somehow when this happens we match an energy pattern , and when we astral jump we end up being attracted to the energy . It is like a magnet which draws the two energy patterns together causing the merge . The shaman , and medicine men have control over this , and can direct it to where they need to go . As for those of us who stumble on to it can find it quite alarming , or even confusing . The warning that a shaman gave me was that when we merge into someone , or something else we match their energetic pattern . What we need to be careful is not to bring home a disease . A pattern of a disease could be playing as a energetic program within a person we are merging with . As we merge with the energy that program can be written within our energy fields , and when we return to our own physical bodies we can bring that program to play within ourselves . The thing to remember if you are one of those who has this gift is to know how to protect , clear , and cleanse . This is important before , and after a merge . I just wanted to make sure that I made a note of something that I observed yesterday . I was visiting with a friend on the phone who was in a lot of emotional pain and as they were talking I noticed that all of my skin was reacting to the energy that was being thrown around . They were not unhappy with me they were just venting . I felt as if someone had poured ice cold water on me and my skin was stinging from the cold . As she got more upset the pain began to throb . I took a second to make a note of it and decided that the pain was not coming from inside of me but from the outside so I opened up my heart with love and pushed unconditional love out through my pores . It took a minute then the pain started to subside and finally left me . To my relief I could finish the phone call and allow my friend to vent without taking on anything that wasn 't mine . Later on I was out with someone else and something triggered a painful memory with the person I was with from their past . Once again I found that my skin started to throb in pain . As soon as I was starting to do something about it my friend tossed the memory away and as quickly as that the pain left me . In the past I have experienced deep compassion to where I felt pain inside of my heart when someone else was suffering or angry . As an Empath I have learned how to protect myself from carrying other people 's emotions but this is new . Posted by Saturday night I decided to go ahead and open the protection grids to start the process of spirit rescue , but when I did there was no response . After sweeping the room , and the whole house by expanding my energy looking for ghosts I discovered that I couldn 't find anyone . Finally after feeling the house was empty I asked my guides if they were there . They answered immediately that , " Yes they were all there " . Then I asked , " If there were any ghosts around ? " The guides replied that , " Yes , they were there also " . That was a bit confusing so I asked , " Where was everybody ? ' The answer I got was that , " They were all hiding " . Of course that made me ask , " why ? " The guides then answered that , " They were all afraid of being crossed over " . Great ! I couldn 't believe it . If I am meant to help ghosts cross then why were they hiding from me . Then the answer came . " Ghosts who are lost on the other side often don 't know that they need to cross , or afraid of judgment if they do . Some are so confused they just want help , but unsure what it is that they need . " Now it made sense why when I set the intention to help them cross they scattered , and hid . Somewhere inside of me I already knew this , and remembered that it is again all about free will . I just wanted to do it the easy way . I gave up falling asleep and somewhere letting it all go . Last night after enjoying the day with my family I was just to tired to set an intention , or try to do any work on the other side . I fell asleep around 8 : 30 pm exhausted , and slept until 5 am . What woke me from my sleep was I could feel someone standing by the bed just staring down at me while I slept . When I opened my eyes it was a ghost of a teenage boy who noticed me , and must have decided I was interesting enough to stare at . An older gentleman who was also a ghost came in , and shooed the teenager away then departed . I lay there for awhile getting my bearings feeling a little crept out , but grateful that the other ghost had stepped in . At least there are manners on the other side . That made me think that I need to consult with the guides and see if I my own manners are in check . |
And no , I 'm not referencing the 80 's band by the same name . I 'm talking real ones . Before moving to Maryland , I had never seen a seagull up close . I saw them on television and had read that they could be pretty bold when it came to food and stealing it out of a person 's hand . They aren 't really seen in Kansas . Here in Maryland , I live near a river and the bay , so you see seagulls . Of course , most of those sightings are in the parking lots of stores . The gulls have learned that parking lots are a good source of food . After all , people love tossing things away and a few don 't care where they toss their trash and parking lots seem to find a lot of it . Last weekend , my husband and I were running errands . He wanted to run into Target and I decided to wait in the car . Within a few minutes , a mom came out of the store pushing a cart with her child in the main section . In the upper section were two drinks and apparently some sort of food . The mom stopped and lifted her child out of the cart to put them in the car , and in the blink of an eye , a swarm of seagulls swooped in and picked the shopping cart free of the food . I thought I was seeing things when I saw a seagull with a bag of chips flying away . Another lifted a cup from the cart and dropped it . The mother turned and looked , screamed and dashed into the back seat of her car . The seagull with the bag of chips dropped it a few spaces away and the swarm was all over it . Chips disappeared quicker than snow on a hot grill . The gulls were hovering over the cars . Two literally hovered in front of my car . I wanted to get a picture , but my purse with my cell was on the backseat and there was no way I was getting out of my car in the middle of a scene from The Birds . Once the food was gone so were the birds . A few minutes later my husband came out of the store . As we drove out of the parking lot we passed the seagulls sitting on the ground about twenty feet away . " I always wonder why seagulls seem to hang out in parking lots , " my husband stated . " You should have come out two minutes ago . " I replied . " You would know exactly why they hang out here . It was an all you can eat buffet . They apparently like potato chips . " I don 't think he believed me . But he will . Next time I 'll have my cell close at hand . I blame the taxes . Every year when my husband starts the process of getting things together to do our income taxes things around the house gets a little crazy . It starts with him gathering all of the documents together and pulling those into the tax software that can be pulled in electronically . Once he starts entering data , I usually hear cussing and grumbling and updates being yelled upstairs , such as " we 're in the red . Son - of - a - mother f # $ % & ! " But this year was different . I didn 't hear cussing or grumbling . We were in the green and the conversation from downstairs was more of " we 're getting money back . We should think about bringing Chris in and painting the downstairs . " Chris is the general contractor that has repaired a section over our garage and built our deck last spring . So I began to think about finishing the man cave - media room . Once the taxes were done , signed and e - filed , the conversation turned to saving money by replacing the ceiling tiles ourselves . Chris would still paint , but we would get the ceiling tiles from the home improvement store down the road and Chris would do everything else . We were picking up the first round of ceiling tiles , I say first round because more would be needed later due to a slight correction that needed to be made ( note to self : just because a piece of tile looks like it is half of a big one , it isn 't and it means having to cut a lot of pieces to get the sized needed , which translates to more tile ) , my husband said that we should pick out colors . " I thought you picked out colors a few weeks ago , " I replied . He did , but that was at another paint store . We needed to find similar colors here , so we picked up paint cards to take home and hang them up around the room . He looked at the colors with all the lights on , just a few lights on and with only the pod lights on . He decided that the colors he liked the best were the first two that he had picked up . Down came all the other sample cards . " We 'll pick up paint samples and see how it looks on the walls , " he said . Of course we will . Once the ceiling tiles were finished it was back to the home improvement store for paint samples . Not one color , but three colors in the same color family . He wanted the one coat paint that is has the primer mixed in . " That way it will go on in one coat . " he declared . " Why does it matter how many coats of paint Chris has to do ? " I asked . He looked at me and the light bulb went on . " Did you ever call Chris to come out and give us an estimate ? " I questioned . " What 's the right answer ? " my husband asked . He knew the right answer was yes , and he is coming out tomorrow , Friday , Saturday . Something like that . The right answer wasn 't , " Well , I thought if we take this in stages , we can get it done ourselves on the weekends . " I looked at him like he was off his rocker . " The weekends . " " We don 't have to hurry , so it will get done when it gets done . " Now , I know my husband and while he says weekends , what he really means is that we will start with the belief that this will take several weekends , but at some point , he will start wanting to get it done sooner , so his weekends will probably be one weekend with several evenings after work . So , the walls now have three different colors of paint just to make sure that the first choice really is the one we want to go with . It is . The walls have been patched , sanded , wiped down with a damp cloth to remove dust . The base boards have been cleaned in preparation for taping and all of the furniture is in the middle of the room and covered with drop cloths . Events tonight will not include a fire and a good book . Instead , it will be more taping and prep work . I am hopeful that painting will actually wait until the weekend , but I 'm sure I will hear about just doing the cut in painting one night and will just go on from there until it is done . He 's like a freight train once he gets started . My son asked how come we decided to start redoing the man cave and I may have been a little loud when I replied , " I blame it on the taxes ! " My son looked at me and said , " You 've been bamboozled by Dad . " Yes , I have and I will get him back . I just haven 't figured how yet , but I will . I will have plenty of time to plan while painting . The one thing that you should know about me is that my husband and I spend a lot of time together . We each have things that we like to do separately , but we also do things together . That includes trips to the eye doctor . My husband and I both wear glasses . He is still in denial about his and I have been wearing glasses since I was 10 years old , so there is nothing for me to be in denial about . It was time to see the eye doctor and I asked if he wanted me to make separate appointments or for the same day . He said to make them the same day . So I made them for a day that he was telecommuting and would be able to go after he finished work . I made my appointment for just after his and would meet him there if I didn 't get off work on time . The day of the appointment I was able to leave work earlier due to overtime so I made it home and we were able to go together . After checking in , my husband asked if our eyes were going to be dilated . I replied that they probably were . He asked if I was driving home . Since it would be dark after the appointment , I didn 't think it would matter who drove home . The tech came and called both of our names and took us in the screening room . She started with my husband and while she was setting up , he looked at me and said , " Why are you following me ? I have no idea who this person is , but I 'm here to get my eyes checked . " The tech 's eyes were huge as she looked from him to me and asked , " Aren 't you two together ? " My husband replied with a straight face , " I 've never seen her before . She just followed me from the parking lot . " I 'm sure the tech was thinking that she just violated all sorts of privacy laws by taking us together . She kept looking back and forth between us . I finally put her at ease saying , " He thinks he 's a comedian . It 's why we 've been together 25 years . " I then looked at my husband and told him to shut it so she could do her job . She did get him back a few minutes later when he kept blinking during the air puff test where they blow the air in your eye . He had to do it over and over again and did it at least 10 times . When I didn 't blink with either eye , she told me I got an " A " and my husband an " F " . That kept him quiet for a few minutes . Next came more tests and finally the eye doctor came in . The good news is that the eyes are healthy . The bad news is that we both had changes which meant new glasses . My husband thought looking for new glasses while his eyes were dilated wasn 't a good idea . He liked the glasses that he has now , so he asked for the same frame with the new prescription in it . Me , I wanted new glasses and didn 't like what frames came in our plan , so , with dilated eyes I searched for new frames . I wanted some that were a change from the brown ones I 'd chosen for the past few pairs . I finally settled on the ones pictured . They are called " Bordeaux " which is another word for wine . They were comfy the moment I put them on . Picking them up two weeks later , they still feel nice . I guess I picked well when I was squinting and could barely see . Growing up , our Christmas tree always went up on Thanksgiving . It was an absolute huge fake tree that had color coded branches that had to be put together in a certain order . It took hours , especially when the colors started fading , but the end result was a beautiful tree that visitors always thought was real . The decorating of the tree would take place throughout the day , in between cooking and eating and socializing . When I married , I told my husband of this tradition and while he didn 't understand the need to put the tree up on Thanksgiving , he humored me because he loved me . It also helped that he enjoys the holidays and making the house look festive . My mother always said that once we were settled into a place of our own , we could haul the huge tree in its huge box ( think bigger than the biggest refrigerator box you 've ever seen ) to our home and carry on the tradition of the tree . When my husband saw the size of the box in my parents store - room he stated that he didn 't think we would ever have a place big enough for the tree and I whispered that it was fine because we could always start new traditions . Our first tree was one that was maybe two feet tall and we put it on the middle of our coffee table . We chose some of the family ornaments that we had brought with us and gradually added new ones as well . Every Thanksgiving we decorated the tree while the turkey was in the oven . At the end of the day , we would turn the lights on the tree and everything seemed peaceful and calming . The only time our tree didn 't get put up on Thanksgiving was when my husband had been deployed on a peace keeping mission to Kosovo and actually returned home the day before Thanksgiving . We picked him up at 3 : 00 am and he spent most of the next 48 hours sleeping . I put up a few things while he was sleeping , but it has always been something that we have done together . Decorating the outside of the house has always been his territory . He can see in his head what he wants to do with the decorations and while he will ask me my opinion , I really leave it up to him . The only thing I insist on is that the lights be multicolored . I am not a fan of lights being one color , so he goes along with me on that . When our son was young , he went all out , but as we have all gotten older , we have kept the outside simple , yet welcoming . One of my favorite holiday looks was the first year in our house in Kansas . We purchased real pine garland and outlined the front of the house with it and had the lights shining out from the branches . Large burgundy bows and a huge wreath completed the look . One year my husband was off and I had to work , so he decided that he and our son would get the lights up outside early . When I pulled up , I noticed that our neighbor , who never seemed to get his outside lights up all the way , had actually put up lights . Lights that looked like ours . My husband was sitting on a stool in the garage with strings of lights laying in rows on the floor , testing bulbs because they wouldn 't come on . I noticed there were no lights on the house . Hmmm , I thought , that 's what happened last year and we had to buy new lights . I got into the garage and I noticed that the lights on the floor were the lights from last year . You know , the broken ones that we couldn 't fix so we had to buy new ones . I stepped back out of the garage and looked at our neighbors house . " So Robert put up lights too ? " I asked . " That 's why they look familiar . " I replied . I looked back at the strings of lights on the garage floor . " Do you remember last year , when you couldn 't get the lights to work ? " He grunted , " That seems like every year , but yes I remember . We had to go out and buy new ones . " He looked up at me looking over at the neighbors lights and the light bulb went off . " Son of a ! @ # $ % ! ! ! " " Yeppers ! " I replied walking back to my car . He began rolling up the broken lights before joining me in the car where we went to buy new holiday lights for the outside of the house . This weekend , while running errands , my husband decided to zip down to the mall to pick up a few dress shirts that were on sale where he normally shops . Yes , I said mall . I do not like shopping in malls anymore . There are too many people pushing and shoving their way as if they are taking part in the Shopping Olympics . The store that my husband goes to has its own entrance , so we can get in and out easily and we don 't need to go into the actual mall . That makes me happy . We headed into the store and were met with absolute crazed shoppers , all apparently starting their holiday shopping early . I know that many stores were putting up their holiday displays before Halloween , but I really didn 't see anything special on sale yet . Apparently the shoppers out last weekend didn 't feel the same way . It was literally wall to wall people , pushing and shoving their way through the aisles . And if they couldn 't get through , they shoved displays out of their way and made their own aisle . After being shoved for the third time into the men 's winter coat display , I told my husband I 'd wait for him in the car . He came out a few minutes later mumbling something about checking online for the shirts he liked . As we drove away , I knew that was the last mall visit for us until sometime in next year . Maybe in the spring , when the winter clothes are discounted and there are a few less pushy shoppers . If anyone wonders why online shopping is so popular , they only have to spend a few minutes in a real mall for the answer . I wrote earlier about our trip to the Poconos . While the trip was enjoyable and the views absolutely spectacular , it wasn 't without some minor moments that made me say WTF . So I 'd thought I 'd share them . The first WTF moment were the bees . It happened upon our arrival at the train station . I have never seen so many bees in one place before . They were everywhere . On benches , chairs , swarming around the trees and if you thought you could escape them by going indoors , you couldn 't . They were even in the restroom , so there was no escape . The surprising thing was that once you left the train station , we didn 't see another bee the rest of the time we were there . So the town really needs to find out what is causing the bees to stay in one area and try to eliminate it . Another WTF moment was when we realized that most of the little shops in town were only open for a few hours a day , usually between 11 am and 4 pm . That was rather surprising because the area describes itself as an outdoor lovers destination . It has hiking and biking trails throughout the country . There are also kayaking and canoeing trips that leave from the town as well as zip lining up in the mountains . People are taking part in all of those outdoor activities and when they return to town in the evening , very few shops are open for them to shop and spend tourist money in . We left in the morning and returned later in the day , but there really weren 't many places to stop in and shop . Shopping provided still another WTF moment . I am a visual shopper . I like to look at the windows and see what the shop is telling me about what they are selling . If what I see is interesting or something catches my eye , I will go in and explore further . If not , then I move on to the next window . But we realized that many of the shops had windows that were blocked out . Some were covered with some sort of film or with a color painted on them . WTF was that about ? Maybe the idea was to stop people from staring inside . Other windows were just plain dirty and you couldn 't see in them . Many had nothing written on them to tell you what the shop was . I don 't know about you , but I 'm not someone who will walk into a shop where the windows are covered and you can 't see inside . We walked past one shop several times while we were there and on the last night as we walked home after dinner , a person came out with a coffee cup . As we passed by we realized that it was a coffee shop , ut there was nothing on the outside showing that 's what it was . Even the name was obscure . I couldn 't help wonder how much business they were losing because people had no idea they were even there . The drones provided another WTF moment . I know that drones are being used to capture the beauty of nature , but continually flying over the businesses , one of which was the B & B that we were staying at , was just plan annoying . I mean really , what were they looking for ? My mind immediately goes to someone searching the area to find something to steal . I 'm sure that wasn 't the case , but the buzzing and hovering was just too much and it drove us inside when we were trying to relax and enjoy the view around us . And the last WTF moment was that we didn 't see one police officer for the entire time we were there . Not one police car , police bike or even a police officer walking . There was no police presence at all . It was strange . In this post 9 - 11 age that we live in , we have gotten used to seeing police everywhere , so to see none was really surprising . As we drove home , my husband and I commented on that and we were rather surprised . He said that they were probably there , but just keeping out of sight or were in plain clothes . I said they were probably using the drones to police the town . When my husband took his current job , it meant that his daily commute went from 20 minutes round trip in the car to 2 hours or possibly longer depending on traffic . We have a 2003 Saturn Vue , which was supposed to be our son 's car except he never got his driver 's license , that had under 70 , 000 miles on it , so he has been driving that most days back and forth to work . The air conditioning doesn 't work and we really don 't want to put $ 700 into a 13 - year - old car , so it was fine to drive until the weather warmed up . So my husband wants to start looking for a good commuter car , which is one that gets good gas mileage . He has been looking at different models and if he sees someone with one that he is considering , he asks them about it . At times it looks like the list is getting smaller , but then he might add another one on . But he hasn 't gone to look for any at the dealerships until he could narrow his list down . He is looking at a smaller vehicle and wants to see how comfortable it is to sit in since he is going to be in it for roughly 10 hours a week . We went to one dealership after dinner one night . The salesman at the dealership we went to was really nice and accepted when my husband told him we weren 't buying today , but wanted to get a feel for the vehicle . He let us sit and explore one and we liked it . He gave us his card and asked my husband when he might be looking to buy . My husband told him he might wait until the 2017 models come out this fall because he likes the updates that will be made to the electronics . We drove away without feeling pressured and when we are ready to buy and thought that we would make sure we go back to see if him . But that feeling lasted all of one day , which was when the sales manager decided that he needed to blow my husband 's phone up wanting to know why we didn 't buy the car . The next dealership also took you around the lot and said that he understood that we weren 't buying a car that day , but as soon as you were done looking , out came the sales manager and the pressure was on . And we were gone . Last weekend we stopped at several different places and at the last one , the young salesman and my husband bonded over the Army , as they both served . He asked what we wanted in a vehicle and my husband listed what the features that he was interested in . He took us to the vehicle that had all of them and then went over every aspect of the vehicle . I liked it from the beginning . The color was right , the interior was nice and I liked the look of everything . He gave us the booklet describing the vehicle , his card and a promise not to bring out his sales manager . We left with a good feeling and a lot of material to research , since we hadn 't considered that vehicle . On the way home my husband asked what I thought and I told him that was the only vehicle that we looked at that I liked everything about . With other ones , I liked a few things , but there were other things that I didn 't like . He said liked it too , but he needed to research and I told him I knew he would . We both took a day off of work on Friday and decided to look at a few more places , but we ended up back at the dealership from the prior weekend . We met the salesman who gave us the keys to the same model vehicle and let us take it for a test drive . He said that he would look to see if the one we had seen was still on the lot . After the test drive , which was really nice , the salesman brought the one we wanted down from another lot and after going through it again , it was time to negotiate , which is the part I hate . This time , it really was rather painless and we got a great deal . One weekend , while running errands , we ended up near a mall . My husband asked if I minded stopping so he could run into the department store and see if they had the dress shoes that he likes . Of course , it was fine , so as we were walking inside , he casually says that while he is trying on shoes , maybe I could find some for me as well . Of course , I give him the side - eye because he should know by now that I can 't walk into a store and find a pair of shoes that fit . I used to be able to do just that . I used to wear a size 8 shoe and I could go into a store , pick out any style and they would fit . That changed when I was pregnant with my son . I used to hear people say that when they were pregnant something changed . If they had curly hair , it went straight . Or straight hair went curly . I knew one woman who had pretty auburn hair and during her first pregnancy , her hair went dark brown , almost black . I have always had fine , straight hair and was hoping that I would get some curls . What did I get ? I got a wide foot . Yes , that 's right . My foot went from a size 8 regular to a size 9 wide . And that is when I learned that most stores don 't carry wide shoes for women . They may have one or two styles that aren 't really stylish at all . Instead they often look like something Frankenstein might wear . The stores have signs posted all over that say , " We have your size . " But then you have to read the tiny letters below that say , " If we don 't have your size in the store , we will be sure to have it online . " If I want to find stylish , wide shoes , I have to shop for them online and that means not being able to try them on . I just have to hope that they fit when I get them . So on our shopping trip , my husband was able to find the shoes that he liked and purchased them . He then spotted a shoe store and wanted to go look there . We parted ways , he to find more shoes and me to be frustrated again . I found exactly two styles of shoes in a wide width . The first was a pair of Vans that were paint splattered , not exactly something I would wear . If I were still a teen … nope , still wouldn 't have worn them . The second pair was a pair of wedges with a heel at least 5 inches high . Nope , I 'm a flats kind of girl . Anyway , my husband and I meet up and he is carrying a pair of Skecher 's that is a cross between a walking and running shoe , complete with memory foam . And they are wide width . Did I mention that my husband also wears a wide shoe due to 20 plus years in combat boots ? Yes , he is able to walk into any store and find men 's wide shoes , but for me , nope . So he looks at me and that fact that I have nothing in my hands and said , " No shoes ? " I reply , " Nope . " He looks around the whole store at row after row of shoes and says , " Well that sucks . " Yep , it does . All the way home he grumbled about how it wasn 't fair that I can 't find shoes that fit . It was sort of cute that he was so put out by it . So when we got home , I ordered 3 new pairs of shoes online and none of them fit . I ended up sending them all back . The next time I find one that does fit , I 'll take a page out of my husband 's book and order more and store them in the closet . As we slowly head into spring , the list of chores that need to get done gets longer and longer . The first thing on the list is a new deck . Our current deck was built by the previous owners , and while it is bigger than most , he cut costs by not using treated lumber , so it is showing its age and needs to be replaced . My husband and I discussed what we would like the deck to look like and whether we should use wood or composite . We don 't want a fancy deck or one that is so nice to look at your afraid to use it . We want one with clean lines and to move the stairs from the side to the middle . I also want a privacy wall on one section that faces the neighbor 's house . We would prefer composite decking mainly because they come in many colors to choose from and we don 't have to worry about having to stain it every few years . I have stained decks and fences before and I will pay not to have to do that again . When it came to getting estimates , it was apparent that the contractors who actually called us back were trying to lead us to the high - end of composites . They soon realized that we weren 't stupid or uneducated about decking and finally got down to putting together an estimate based upon what we want . One person didn 't even come out while we were at home . He wanted us to tape our design ideas to the patio door and he called in the estimate which was nearly double the others . Seeing as he didn 't even remove the paper from the door to read the back , we eliminated him pretty quickly . Two others were near each other in price , but then when we said no , they sent another quote , lower than the first . My question was , why didn 't we get your lowest price to start with ? I don 't like playing those games . The person that we ended up going with was a small contractor that we have used before so we knew the quality of his work . He came in under his estimate on the last job and our price reflected that . For this job he gave us his lowest price from the start . He was open about his pricing and informed us that while he has jobs for April and May , he could use work now . He explained that while he could give me the black spindles that I asked for , he thought the bronze would go better with the almond railings and brought me samples to look at . And he was right . So with the weather cooperating somewhat , he began work last Monday and the deck is coming together nicely . We are without stairs right now , which means the pug needs to be on a leash in the front yard , but that will only be for another day or two and then he can explore his backyard again . Now if we can only decide on furniture . Let me start by admitting up front that I am not someone who goes out to shop the holiday sales . I don 't like crowds and I like them even less when I am shopping . I go to the grocery store early on the weekends to avoid crowds . I understand that some people make a game out of holiday shopping . My sister - in - law is one who gets in line hours before a store opens and rushes into the store for all of her must have items . Then she proceeds to return 75 % of what she bought over the next week . It 's the rush for her and apparently many others . For me , I prefer to stay home and curl up with a cup of hot chocolate , a blanket , and if the weather cooperates , a fire in the fireplace and enjoy the quiet . There is absolutely nothing that we need that would make me go out into the frenzy . But this year , there appears to be less frenzy . Many stores opened on Thursday , so when the reporters showed up to report on the shoppers , the stores were pretty much empty . I couldn 't help but notice that 3 out of 4 Baltimore news stations showed up to report live from the same Target store . Really ? You couldn 't go somewhere else for another perspective ? I can 't say where the 4th Baltimore station was . I really had no interest in clicking over to see where they were reporting from . Chances are they too were at the same store . My son remarked that their were more reporters trying to find a story than shoppers looking for a bargain . And they seemed disappointed that there weren 't any crowds or anyone needing to push and shove their way to the next bargain . They did have video of a fight that broke out at a food court somewhere in the country , but other than that , this year 's coverage seemed to be lacking in excitement . I 'm sure tomorrow 's story will be that sales were down or less than expected . ( Kudos to those companies that chose to remain closed and let their employees spend time with their families . ) Maybe those that were open should go back to being closed on the actual holiday . Sales were usually brisk and it was always good for video of shoppers that behaved badly . Regardless , I 'll still be at home . Enjoying the holiday lights and the silence . |
I shall try to tell the truth , but the result will be fiction ~ Katherine Ann Porter ~ The truth is I am a writer and my name is not Alice . But not unlike her , I find many occurrences curiouser and curiouser . Sometimes I begin at the end and go on until the beginning . Then I stop . Though shy by nature , Ginger agreed to come to her friend 's festivities without a date . She had moved to the city a few months before and knew that her plans to make significant changes in her life for the new year did not include sitting in a small apartment , especially on such a special evening . So she mingled and introduced herself to strangers , and told stories and laughed at jokes . She also flirted with Reid and Mark during different times in the evening . While flattered by their attentiveness and desire , she knew that she would go home alone . She wanted something more . Her friend laughed as Reid and Mark stumbled past . " For me , just making out with a random person is fun too . " At the last stroke of midnight , as the revelers shouted , blew noise - makers , and kissed , Reid and Mark ran around the room shoving each other into furniture . Ginger turned away from her battling suitors and opened the door to step outside for a look at the luminescent sky . She smiled . At home in the country , she had never been the type of girl men would fight over . How can anyone not love this night ? she thought , and raised her glass to the new moon . My first published story is up at Jim Wisneski 's site for his Twelve Days of Christmas 2009 called Happy Sunsets . Please stop by and have a read . Posted by This is newest addition to the family . Her name is Fern , and she came to us through a basset rescue group in Virginia . She is 9 weeks old and has the sweetest disposition ! A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men , women , an occasional animal , and the common cold . ~ Ogden Nash Harry has lived in New York for several years now , and planned to visit his parents in Arkansas for one week during the holiday season . He does not go home that often because he is miffed at his mother - - for many reasons , though one in particular rankles him the most . Harry is the youngest of four boys , and when he left home to find fame in New York theater , his mother replaced him with a squirrel . Yes . That 's correct . Sassy the Squirrel now has the run of Harry 's childhood home in Little Rock . A year ago , his mother found the baby squirrel lying injured and abandoned in their backyard and nursed it back to health . Now , she is a coddled member of the family . Harry left New York several days later . His friends called and wished him a " happy holiday at Sassy 's house . " They also reminded him that he should be polite once there because , after all , when he finally came out to his family , the one member that took it in stride right away was . . . I wish your stupid boyfriend would leave her alone , Lily thought as she watched him firmly grip the dead chicken by her neck and carry her over to them . " So I 'm guessing this is on the dinner menu tonight ? " He laughed at Lily 's gasp . She grabbed Marguerite from him and cradled her . " No ! She 's gonna have a burial . " She didn 't add , you bastard , but her mother heard it in her tone . " Watch your mouth , young lady , " she warned . But Lily didn 't have anything more to say and ran off to plan Marguerite 's funeral . As a small child Lily 's family could not get her to eat anything more complicated than a peanut butter sandwich . She never liked the taste of meat and as she grew and collected beloved pets , she unequivocally refused such fare . Especially chicken . Her father was to blame for that quirk . When she was six years old and stayed at his place for their bi - weekly visits , her father entertained her with bedtime stories about the year he lived in Rome , including one where he and his roommate , Sam , were cooking a pasta dinner for an Italian friend . They didn 't have a proper kitchen , so they boiled water on a hotplate . When Sam strained the pasta over the toilet bowl , the downstairs buzzer startled him , and he let go of the colander . It was early evening , and Lily returned to the house to find her mother 's boyfriend drinking beer in the TV room . Oh , it 's Tuesday , Lily remembered . On those nights her mother worked as a volunteer in the hospital 's emergency room and always arranged for someone to watch her daughter . It was his turn , then . He looked up at her with narrowed eyes , unused to such familiarity . She gave him a tight forced smile . He relaxed . " Yeah ? Well , sure kid , thanks . " Lily sat on her bed later that night and arranged her stuffed animals . She hummed and laughed at her thoughts . Her strike against the enemy would be considered infantile in some older cliques at her school , but she was only twelve years old and this was enough for her tonight . After placing his first cup of morning coffee on the porch railing , Ben shook hands with the driver of the moving van . Just as he turned to walk inside his new home , he saw that the elderly man who lived across the street was waiting for him . Probably wants to say ' welcome to the neighborhood , ' Ben thought , and smiled as the man cleared his throat . " Oh . No . I didn 't know that . " Ben laughed . " Yessir . I can tell you wanna know what Ernie need wif somethin ' hotter than jalapeños , right ? I 'd rather know if you 're a harmless old guy or not , Ben thought , but nodded . " I like spicy food , myself . But … " When Ernie moved to the area called Pleasant Plains it was just after the assassination of Martin Luther King , Jr . and the subsequent riots . Many homes and shops were vacant . Ernie didn 't mind . He was able to buy the house he dreamed about : one with a porch and a small front yard . Rather than flowers he grew vegetables and habanero plants in terracotta containers . When the passing years brought gentrification and young white people to the neighboring homes , Ernie still preferred to eat from his garden rather than shop at the upscale food market two blocks west . He told Ben now , " Them peppers better than medicine . Ain 't never been sick . Well , not serious sick . " The cars parked on the narrow street were so tightly wedged in their spots that Ernie couldn 't fit between them . So he walked to the corner and crossed over to his side of the street , still talking , though Ben couldn 't hear him . When he reached for his front door handle , he turned and shouted , " Ah 'll bring some peppers over later . Make your dinner real good . " Ben and his wife were in the kitchen cooking when they heard the three quick knocks that signaled Ernie was at the door . For two years now , they had shared many Sunday dinners with him . They sometimes made dishes with names such as Spicy Barbados Pepper Chicken or Smokin ' Turkey Chili . On those nights , they drank beer with lime . " Well , here 's the facts . Ah 'm 85 years old . Now , them habaneros hurt goin ' in and comin ' out , that 's fer sure ! " When Ernie reached the door to his house he turned and waved . " Hey , Ben , " he called out , " Don 't worry . Your butt hole is still young ! " " What are you doing ? " Ben 's wife asked after she found him outside one night unloading several terracotta pots from the trunk of their car . He placed them on the porch and wiped his forehead with a handkerchief . " I 'm going to grow my very own fresh habanero plants . " He hugged and kissed her and returned to the car . She wanted to say they could just go to the market and buy any spices they needed but knew her husband was not listening . He was looking across the street at the house with a For Sale sign planted in the front garden . She nodded and walked up the steps to their front door and waited . My sister and I were allowed goldfish . But the lack of cuddle ability made them unsatisfactory . Also , the fish liked to fool us by floating belly up to the top of the tank and playing dead . It seemed to us they liked to do this too many times to count . We were not amused . I grew up and never felt the want for a dog or cat . If I were honest , I would admit that if I did want a pet at any time , it would probably be a cat . But a scant 14 years ago I was introduced to a tiny black and white Jack Russell terrier . She came to live with us . I did say goodbye to her before she left with the others and thanked her for being the best little dog ever . I also apologized for not being very welcoming when she first arrived in my life . She looked at me with glazed eyes that seemed to say , " Oh that ? Pshaw ! I knew I would get you to love me . " But today she had a plan , a catalyst for change . Her family arrived minutes before the meal , and instead of grace , she gave a pep talk . The theme ? Love . Though , just as the pilgrims probably advised everyone at their maiden meal on new land , she told the family to check their fighting implements at the door . She sat at the head of the table and gathered the rest of her thoughts . Her family did not wait to hear them . BROTHER : Nope , don 't wanna deal with any love business . Just give me D & D . Drinks and debauchery . NOW you 're talking ! Dela frowned . This is not about boozing and one - nighters , she thought . Her brother could do that any time . This is about family and love . And stew . DELA : You guys , just think . Everything that happens - the good , the bad , and the … well , anything else - are like ingredients . And , while some things don 't taste that great all alone , mixed together they can add a delicious spicing to the rest of the pot . Right ? MOTHER : I want turkey . I hate it but damn - it - all , it 's tradition . I did not just drive three hours to come and eat vegetable stew ! UNCLE MARYLAND : No problemo . I bagged a 6 - point buck this past weekend . So let 's add it to the pot . Look ! I got me a photo . He took out his wallet , which was a No . 10 standard white envelope , and passed the picture of him in camouflage attire with his victim . Uncle Maryland is grinning and giving two thumbs up . The deer is not . The family all murmured distress sounds . UNCLE MARYLAND : Man , what a lucky day . Yeah , it was . Hey ! You can say I got game . That 's right . I got game ! He danced around the table until he had a coughing fit and had to lie down on the sofa . DELA : Stop . We 're not eating stew . We 're not eating 6 points of deer . We 're going to spend a lovely time eating other things and drinking - God , yes , drinking - and telling wonderful stories and giving thanks for all we have . MOTHER : Oh , good . Though I feel bad for Dela . She does love her stew . Can you imagine ? Love and stew on Thanksgiving . She always was an odd child . Cherie Davis took her first baby steps in an Amish kitchen on a hot summer Sunday afternoon , hours after the family car shuddered to a stop in front of the Pennsylvania farm . The women of the house took Cherie from her mother 's arms and , deciding that the baby needed nourishment , gave her unpasteurized milk to drink . Her mother tried to stop them . She considered the milk " dirty and full of germs , " but the farmers stored no baby formula . Cherie guzzled the drink all day while the men worked on the car . Later , whenever she got ill while growing up , her mother always blamed the cow . As a young adult Cherie took her mother 's gift of caution and anxiety and made it her own . She was a committed creature of habit . For instance , before she drove anywhere unfamiliar , she needed such explicit directions that in one case she wrote : at the third light , make a left turn past the white house with black shutters and wave at Grandpa O ' Malley ( who 's always rocking on the porch ) . Don 't worry ; he never waves back . That is , until her grandfather came to live with the family . Poppy was a retired merchant marine and worried about Cherie 's reluctance to change her routines . One midnight , while sharing milk , cake , and conversation , he asked her , " What do you think will happen if you get lost ? Nothing . You 'll find another way . It 'll be an adventure . " Poppy walked over to Cherie , gently pulled her face upward and kissed her forehead goodnight . At the door he turned and smiled . " I want you to be happy , you know ? Be happy while you 're living , hon , for you 're a long time dead . " Despite any maternal attempts to stop it , the day arrived some months later when Cherie left home . She was offered an internship in Washington , D . C . and Poppy convinced the family to let her go . Cherie was going to drive herself there . On a beautiful cloudless day , the family 's goodbye involved much hugging , kissing , and crying - all of it on Cherie 's part . Surprisingly , her mother was calm and accepting . When she first left the driveway and headed south , after giving the family a smile and a thumbs up , Cherie thought about how she felt . Worried ? Yes . Frightened ? Yes . Ready , willing and able ? Yes , yes , yes . Of course , Cherie missed an important turn not long after leaving her home . But remembering Poppy 's words , she stopped at a fast food joint and ate something to calm her nerves . She asked for directions from a man gassing up his car . They were simple and concise and the man assured her his way was easier and , more importantly , toll - free . Cherie soon found herself not on the interstate as the detailed note from her family advised , but on a parallel road . Gina was living in Argentina with her paternal relatives for a year . Her family wanted her to learn Spanish and to travel before she began high school , or so they said . But Gina believed that her mother 's new marriage to a much younger man was closer to the familial truth of the matter . While Buenos Aires was a very beautiful capital city with many areas of old worldly charm and new sections of posterity and modernity , Gina felt lost . Everything was strange . Wonderfully strange . But at that time , she was a girl who preferred the familiar . At her home away from home she liked to stay in her room reading or playing online games . Her aunt , however , would open Gina 's bedroom door with a " This is not a hotel . We do not stay hidden away from each other . We share la vida ! " After the other guests left , Auntie 's best friend Mirta stayed to talk . Gina 's Spanish was still rudimentary but she understood that Auntie worried her husband might be swayed to have an affair with his secretary . Mirta said she knew a very good love spell . Gina was clearing the table and caught a teacup before it fell from her hands , her shoulders shaking , not with shock , but mirth . Her uncle ? Never . She may not be experienced in la vida de amor but she knew that her uncle 's little everyday courtesies and the happiness carved on his face when he came home and kissed her aunt hello showed he was besotted with her . Oh , he was tall and trim with salty peppered hair and he did have a beautiful smile and mesmerizing green eyes . He was very rich , and very charming - maybe too charming for his own good . But cheating ? Love spell ? She made a mental note to ask her aunt to stop watching those silly telenovelas . " Mine ? Don 't you mean Auntie ? " " No . " She let go of Gina 's sweater . " I have everything I need from her . " Mirta looked at the comb that Auntie gave her earlier . " And from him . " A few dark hours later , they were in the cold countryside . It only took a flash of movement before the spell was cast . When they reached the car , Gina 's uncle stepped out from the driver 's seat and opened the back door for them . He put his hand out , palm up , and smiled . " Adventure over ? Let us go home . " It was one of the darkest times of her life . The heavy rains added an appropriate dirge to the wintry early morning sounds . While she waited for the bus , Homeless Reggie , towing a toy wagon filled with plastic bottles , came up to her singing and offered a new refrain : You 're like an angel , honey . Of course she had to pay him , for that was his self - appointed job . Compliments . He walked over to the others - - the usual commuters at that hour - - and said something to each that would lift the spirits . Love your hair , dear . Sir , that tie is a good one ! New shoes ? Good taste ! It usually cost them a dollar apiece . Not every day , only on Mondays , for Homeless Reggie had other corners and other compliments to bestow . It was one of the darkest times of her life , but for the briefest of moments there was light . A dollar well spent , she always thought . The bus arrived and she sat by the window in the back row and sniffled as quietly as she could . She had a plan if anyone asked : " Sorry , it 's my allergies . " But the few people seated at the front kept their eyes on their newspapers , and their ears minded their own business . Her lover 's words to her this morning were as goodbye as they could get , " I 've got to go away . Sorry , but I can 't come back . " He looked in the mirror while he dressed , and spoke to her reflection as he knotted the tie she never liked : a pink silk that was as thin as a tongue . " I do want to be here but my wife needs me more . " Oh yes . The tie had been a gift from his family . Later , when she returned to her small empty apartment after a trying day of work and sorrow and scanned the room , her eyes stopped at the slate fireplace in the corner . Her ex - lover 's picture still sat on the mantle next to the one of her as a small child . In her photo she is seated on a dark velvet - covered chair , and is wearing a simple white lacy frock and an antique cap , handed down from some ancient ancestor , no doubt . Though she is smiling widely , one can see tears in her baby brown eyes . Outside , several cardinal birds perch along the telephone wire that extends to the back of the alley , their garish red plumage appearing as bloody slashes against the grey and cloudy dusk . She turned away . She refused to think about tomorrow . My sister is a collector of Day of the Dead tschotskes . She isn 't Mexican , and she doesn 't have an altar set up in her stylish NYC apartment , with favorite foods and drinks of the departed strewn about . At her office , however , she does have a collection of skeletal icons including a bride and groom calaveras , and a diorama of a Mariachi band with their bony fingers holding onto their instruments . Why ? Don 't know . She just likes the art . After reading about the origins of this celebration , I was excited to learn that if one had an altar set up , this might lure the souls of the dead to visit and hear the prayers and comments from the living . I thought of a plan ! SIS : Oh . Well , let 's see . ARE YOU MAD ! That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard from you . Er , so far , because you have many more years to be as ridiculous ! ME : It seemed like a good idea when I first thought it . But I guess you 're right . I mean how would he even know the numbers ahead of time . . . SIS : STOP ! Well , it seems that the only way I can get richness in her life today is to take granulated sugar , meringue powder , and water . And hope that it turns out like this : And , maybe a little altar , because - - who knows - - Dad might be willing to . . . When Celeste cut his head off , which took a long time because she used a small hacksaw , she decided to arrange the body by the front door . She wanted it to be the first thing the others saw when she answered their knock . The head sat on a small table next to the tray that held her keys , phone , and vial of tin - white powder . Everything was almost ready . She could hear the others talking and laughing as they walked up the street to her door . They 're here . Celeste looked at her wet hands . There was no time to wash so she rubbed her face and her tattered clothing with her palms , and raked her fingertips through frizzy blonde hair . " You outdid yourself this year ! And , wow , couldn 't figure out why you wanted that old mannequin from the dumpster . But , man , it 's freaky . " The others agreed that they were frightened witless though they laughed and walked to the tables shrouded in misty white vapor trails from the dry ice , and helped themselves to the food and drinks . Celeste didn 't feel like cleaning up after everyone left , though she did have them take the mannequin and set it by the curb for the garbage collection tomorrow . She went to her bedroom and locked the door behind her . He was there . He was lying on plastic sheeting under her window . During the years that I lived there , my wife kept every light on in the house at night . I wasn 't happy about the bills , but she 'd shake her head and say she needed to keep the shadows erased . What she meant was she wanted to know my every move - for protection , you see . I loved her very much , once . But I fell crazier in lust with drugs and alcohol , and they became more important to me than anything , even my family . I used an awful lot , you know , and I can 't take that back . It was fun at first . Now , drugs are the only things that keep my darkness away . We have two children - both of them boys . At the beginning , when they were new and soft and I was clean , I would tell proud tales about them to all my friends . The kids really are chips off the old block , I 'd say . Then , later , when I forgot to pick them up from school too many times to count , and when I didn 't pretend to be looking for work no more , their mother asked me to leave . I did . I never contacted her - them - again . Oh , I knew about their illnesses , their schooling , their sports , their happiness at growing up with a great mom , as well as their questions about having a dad who couldn 't be bothered . I turned to a few friends who kept me up to date . My ex never asked about me , and I guess I 'm okay about it since I did throw that life away . You want the cross my heart and hope to … well … the truth ? I wouldn 't change a thing . I have everything I want , everything I need . Yeah . I know . So one cold rainy autumn evening , I 'm standing across the street smoking and looking at them through the kitchen window . I catch a glimpse of my oldest boy . He 's carrying dishes to the sink and laughing at something his brother said . Their mother 's dancing around the room while she turns off lights . It 's time for me to go . I flick the smokes to the curb and its little flame goes out as soon as it hits the oily puddle on the ground . I won 't come back to this corner any more , I decide . As I turn to leave , I 'm startled by the sound of the front door opening . I don 't want them to see me so I quickly walk to my car . When I reach for the handle , I can hear the kids saying bye to their mom . She waves and calls out , " Make sure you take care of your brother . Have fun at the game . " The youngest shouts back . " Mom , come on ! Don 't worry . We always do . " He runs ahead to catch up with his brother . I sit in the car and take one last look through the rearview mirror . A disheveled young man came up to Valerie and shouted . " Hey . Wadda ya mean standing here lookin ' like that ! I wanna know why ya in my way ? I wanna take a picture here . " He was holding a radio with a missing battery cover . Valerie , not turning her head to him said , " You have no film in the camera . " He looked at his hands . " Well . Then , ya have any spare change ? " The bus was ten minutes late and Valerie 's eyes kept scanning south , as if through directed strength of gaze , the bus would be pulled along , unable to stay Local and become an Express . She had to get away from this crazy guy . A cab driver obeyed the come - rescue - me pull of Valerie 's finger and without waiting for the door to be fully closed took off . He tried to make small talk with his passenger but she did not have the look of someone who wanted to hear his words . He turned on the radio and did not say anything until he dropped her off at a house . " Have a good day . " The women at the house were already seated in the den and drinking . Mimi , the oldest , opened the door . " You 're very late but The Affirmation Society Meeting can now begin . " The other four stood up and formed a circle with Valerie and Mimi . They began chanting as they did every week . " I 'm valid . You 're valid . We 're valid . " Mimi motioned for everyone to sit . " Ladies , here is the plan for tonight . First , we will hear a very nice little story from Lucy about her neighbor 's mother who was in the shower when her uterus dropped . " She sat down and nodded at the frail woman seated across from her who stood up and cleared her throat for a few seconds . " For our Design and Conquer portion of the evening , we have underwear , fabric glue , sparkles , beads and , oh I can 't remember . Well , nothing else . Wait ! There 's also a prize for the best one . " She sat down quickly . The other women , except for Valerie , clapped . Mimi took over again . She smiled at Valerie . " Dear , for our Open Up and Let your Heart Show segment , you will tell us about your problems with that horrible man ? The others nodded vigorously and applauded some more . The women were waiting for her to begin so Valerie sat and took out five yellow files from her briefcase . As a caseworker , it was her job to make weekly visits to this group home and to make sure that the residents were well . She would not call them crazy , just - diminished . They had already forgotten their plans for the evening . They always did . When Valerie walked to a taxi an hour later , she heard her name and looked up to see the elderly Affirmation Society waving and smiling at the door . Mimi blew her a kiss . Valerie knew that after the women closed the door , they would turn to the orderly waiting for them with their last cups of juice . They would sleep very well , the drugs would see to it . It 's not like I killed anybody . Or cheated with my neighbor , for God 's sake ! I 'm here because it 's the end of the week . You know that . So , what should I tell you ? Oh ! I 've managed not to go camping with my friends this year . It 's not easy because everybody I know loves to pitch tents and hang out with Nature . Me ? I don 't like crowded living spaces or the lack of privacy or the stupid bugs or that burying of human waste . Yeah . Not good . Once there , there 's so much work to do ! It 's not relaxing . First , you have to find the perfect spot . This takes us all morning , and then we have to set up the tents . Directions claim it 's easy : just put a into b , then twist into c , then - several hours later - point to q . Then scream and throw into the stream . Well , that 's how I do it . At this point it 's dusk , and it 's now that people figure out something 's missing . Hot dogs ? Marshmallows ? Scary stories ? Vodka ? Hope not . After all , Grandma is with us . Oh , please , not … toilet paper ? It 's matches . Apparently no one smokes anymore . Of course my friends want to fish for dinner . You would know all about fish , right ? Anyway , this part sounded like fun that first time . I thought , how hard is it to stand on the rocks of the rushing water and catch the fish as they jump into your arms ? I 've seen the nature shows , and the bears do it all the time . I was sure my friends were smarter than the average bear . But that 's not how they do it . They prefer the hard way . Once , I was forced to read a ' How To ' dig a latrine . It said the hole should be six to eight inches deep . Ugh . I mean , unless I had a ruler , how would I know when to stop ? Though I guess I could walk around and look at the guys at the next camp and figure out which one might measure up to … um … never mind . Oh , sorry Father Thomas . No , I didn 't forget or suffer a stroke of stupidity , why do you ask ? Of course I know I 'm supposed to be confessing my sins ! But I 've been really good since that last time , and don 't have anything to update in the evil department . So my thinking was that … What ? Surely not ! Sorry . I 'll go start on all those penances right away . Damn . Adam was on his way to break up his lover 's marriage . A few minutes before , he found his phone under the bed and listened to the message asking him to come over to the house right away . He guessed that everything was out in the open now , and they could begin to make real plans . He thought about stopping at their favorite bakery to pick up … something … but this would not be the place or time for celebration . This was going to be hard , not happy . But he smiled as he walked the short blocks to the other house . They had returned several weeks ago from the most wonderful trip to Italy . It was unexpected luck that they were able to stay at a friend 's house in Umbria for a week . They spent the time there relaxing , and eating all their meals outside under a pergola covered in Virginia creeper just off the kitchen . An ancient elm tree provided shade during the day , and the climbing roses colored everything romantic . They made promises . When they came back , they agreed not to see each other for a while . But this morning Adam 's first thought when he woke up was that he did not want to wait anymore , so he was very relieved to get the call . He also felt guilt for the anguish it would cause , but he pushed it away . The door was not locked so Adam just walked into the living room , and was puzzled when he saw about a dozen people standing around talking . Laughing , too . Then he saw her . Angela . She was seated on the blue couch he knew so well . She looked ill , and he felt guilty again . " Are you alright ? " he asked . " Of course I am ! " Her husband was leaning over her but straightened quickly when he saw Adam . He looked shocked . The flush creeping up his neck showed that he was also angry . " What are you doing here ? " Evan asked . Angela touched her husband 's arm . " Adam is our oldest friend . I needed him to be here . " Her mother came into the room carrying champagne . Adam could not understand what was going on . Champagne ? For the dissolution of a marriage ? He accepted a glass and drank it quickly . He accepted another . " Oh , isn 't it wonderful , Adam ! " This from Angela 's aunt . " Wonderful ? I really don 't know what 's happened . " Several people spoke at once , shouting the news - Angela was finally pregnant . She flashed him the happiest smile he has seen in a long time . " We 're over the moon about this ! We 've been trying and hoping for so long . You know that . I 'm sorry I didn 't say anything sooner , but I wanted to be … " She stopped , unsure . Adam 's grip on the champagne flute helped it stay in his hand , though he really wanted to fling it . The surprise on his face , his ashen pallor and unblinking stare made her uncomfortable , and she frowned . But it quickly turned into a small smile . " I 'm hoping you 're happy for us ? " Adam nodded and turned away , then placed the glass on the fireplace mantle . He needed a few moments to himself . So . There wasn 't going to be a divorce . A baby ! A little bump in the road , so to speak , has stopped everything and there wasn 't anything he could do . " Adam ? " Angela called . " Aren 't you going to say anything , for God 's sake ? " He turned , and gazed at his love , whose flush now reached higher on his face . " You promised . We promised . " Evan looked at him with tear - glazed eyes . " I can 't now , Adam . I can 't . " Everyone stopped drinking , except for a cousin who took the bottle and swigged the liquid . He wanted to drink away what he hoped he was misunderstanding . Angela stood and stared at her husband . She walked over to Adam and put out her hand , then let it drop to the side , wringing and wrinkling the hem of her blouse . " What … what are you two saying ? " Adam turned to the door and opened it . Working on fridayflash story . Yes , yes I am . Trying to find my little notes to help me along . Some blew out the window but didn 't lose these . After lying on my bed for ten days waiting for death , I looked around my room and thought - well , maybe it isn 't coming . Almost a month ago I was here , packing for a move to a new apartment . The stranger 's voice on the telephone told me three things I 'd like to forget : there was an accident , it involved my husband , and he didn 't make it . He was killed instantly by a taxi that swerved to miss a stalled car , and jumped the curb . Witnesses said my husband managed to push a woman out of the way but was crushed against the office building he had just left . When told he was dead , I knew that I was going to die , too , because Theo and I always did everything together . That 's why I took to my bed and waited . When I finally appeared in my living room and saw the ashen , stricken pallor of family and friends , I said to them , " I don 't want to live anymore , but it seems that I must . I don 't want to do this . I don 't know how to do this . " As the voices assembled there murmured about the extent of their sorrow over Theo 's loss and offered to give me whatever I needed , I stood uncertain about what to do next . It was then that I saw the boxes . Ah , right . Moving day . So I walked over to a bookshelf and started packing Theo 's books . This I can do , I thought , just move my hands from shelf to box . This I can do . When I first saw Theo those years ago , I was a freshman at an all - girls school in the Finger Lakes region of New York . He had come to visit his best friend , my professor in World Literature , and was to be a guest lecturer in our seminar . We were so excited that a real writer was coming to talk to us about his books , which invariably centered on protagonists who were imbued with a sensual passion for life and sexual adventure . On the day of his talk , not one student was late , even my best friend Cecily had managed to make peace with her alarm and was sitting in her seat with her hair combed and her clothes properly straightened , something we never thought she knew how to do . At 9 : 30 sharp , we heard the ap * * * * * * " No , NO , NO ! This is awful ! " Kat said . " What am I going to do ? What am I going to write ? " " It 's not that bad , " her friend Alicia said , then immediately ruined the moment by choking back a laugh . " Really ? You think so ? " But Alicia could not stop the heaving of her shoulders and just let go , laughing until her tears washed away the sight of a not amused Kat - Alicia has to leave . Now . A few minutes after Alicia blew her a kiss and closed the door behind her , Kat returned to her story of Theo and his tragic demise . She couldn 't start over , she just couldn 't . Minutes passed , then hours . She had to have something , for goodness sake , and soon . It 's Friday , after all ! Some of the people in her online writing community said they had even written theirs at the beginning of the week . By the way , who are these people ? And why wasn 't she one of them ? Kat looked at the computer screen and became hopeful . It 's not that bad , right ? What if Theo had the body of Michelangelo 's David and Danny Devito 's face ? He pities me . Oh , yes , working on flash fiction . Well , maybe not this minute . During a very short break that has lasted … um … about three hours , I found another diversionary tactic . I kid . I 'm researching . Really . Even though it would seem that I 'm just reading silly things on the net . This is true : I once worked in a private school and would help the administrators fill out student absentee forms , among a billion other things . The letters from parents telling us why their child was not coming in that day were not particularly amusing . These are . I found them when I was goofing researching on a rinkworks site . Maryann was absent December 11 - 16 , because she had a fever , sore throat , headache , and upset stomach . Her sister was also sick , fever , and sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over . I wasn 't the best either , sore throat and fever . There must be something going around , her father even got hot last night . It was the tenth rejection in a month . As she closed the office door behind her she realized that , today , she just didn 't have the will to summon up any disappointment . Anger ? Yeah . She could bring that to her thoughts . What the hell more do they want from me anyway , damn it ? She was well educated , dressed nicely , and certainly knew her way around the field . It was communications , for God 's sake . She was born to do that ! But this last HR manager , just like all the others , told her that she would not be a good fit in their small medical journal department . Why ? He told her that her writing would be a problem for their clientele . How can that be ? She had always been told that her writing was in a class by itself . Sui generis . See ? She even knew the fancy term . She was no fool . On the walk home , she thought of all the interviews she had arranged during the last 30 days . Well , there was the law firm , the investment bank , the university academic journal , and the - no , I won 't think about this anymore for the evening . She lived with her parents , of course , since she didn 't have a job and couldn 't move out , but they didn 't mind and she never really wanted to leave . Now , she was worried about bringing them bad news again . She knew they would be waiting when she opened the door . Yes , there they are . Smiling . But their smiles faded as she shook her head slowly . Her dad sighed and her mom came over to pat her arm , and then left for the kitchen . She thought that a favorite dinner might cheer everyone . While she supported her daughter in all her endeavors , she privately felt that it was time to face reality . Her child had to look for work in less exalted areas . Her face was just too different . " It 's a tough world out there . I know that 's hard to accept . But , sweetie , if you 're not born a Courier New or Times New Roman or Helvetica , you 're not gonna be able to join the others in the big league . " When I was a student those eons ago , Sister St . Cornelia would write on the blackboard whatever assignment needed to be completed for the week . Then she had us copy it down in our little notebooks . This would ensure that we students could not claim that we did not know about it , or any other excuse for not doing the work and handing it in on time . So , today I give a shout - out to that little lesson . Sister St . Cornelia is not here but if she were , I would tell her that I don 't need her to write any reminders for me on the blackboard . I can post it on the refrigerator . Also , I can see the others who tweet - - days before the deadline - - that they 've finished their assignment . What ? Oh , how I hate envy admire them ! So , here I am . Thinking . I am kind of tired , though , and I need something that will jolt me into action . Oh . OK . That 's a good start . Posted by Jimmie knew that dressed or undressed , she wasn 't going to get money from her husband . But she had to ask just the same . " Could you leave me maybe a twenty ? " " Nope . Don 't have any money , " Walter said and left . While vacuuming the rug later that morning , the frayed edge of one corner got caught up in the machine . When Jimmie lifted the rug she screamed . She was looking at a wad of money . " Why that bastard told you he didn 't have it , " Momma , her mother - in - law , said . She loved Walter but she loved Jimmie better . Late in the afternoon , Jimmie , Momma , and Fatsy , were sitting on the porch after shopping . They had some fun spending several of those bills , if fun included getting basic products for the kitchen cupboards . But they also bought some lottery tickets . Momma felt lucky . " Don 't worry , Jimmie , " Fatsy said . " If my brother tries anything with you , I 'll kick his ass . " That was not an idle threat . As Momma always warned anyone who tried to pick a fight with her daughter , " she has a size 12 foot and she don 't play . " Walter never did say anything about the missing money . But the next time Jimmie went to look , the remaining bills had been removed . However , she would find money left on the bureau from time to time , so all was good enough for her . There was only one time that it wasn 't . Jimmie was getting ready to go out with her husband and Fatsy . The neighbor was coming over to baby sit . She had taken care of little Maggie before , and knew how to keep a baby with cerebral palsy safe and happy . Jimmie was applying the finishing touches to her make - up at the bathroom mirror . Walter was in the living room already buzzed from communicating with his favorite bottle . When Jimmie came in looking real curvy in a red dress , he barely looked her way . " You know something ? " he said . " I think it 's stupid that your sister had another baby and she 's not even married . " " So what ? Your sister had a baby and she wasn 't married . And what about your Momma ? " That 's different ! " Walt * * * * * * * * * * The phones ring and the women know it 's back to work . They have heard Jimmie 's stories for many lunch breaks now . When she talks about the past , no one feels the need to take a turn . " Your new grandson arrives pretty soon . Has your daughter thought about names ? " one of the women asks Jimmie . " Yeah . She wants to call him James Alphonsa King . " " Alphonsa ? You mean like Fatsy ? " Uh huh . My daughter loved Fatsy and wants to honor her memory . " Forgive me , Jimmie , " another asks with some anxiety , " but isn 't Alphonsa such a … female … name to give a boy ? " Jimmie shrugs . " Oh , you know this family and crazy . " " Will he be called Alfie , maybe ? " offers another . " Nope . It 's Junior . " * * * * * * * * * Jimmie sits in her office . She sees a picture of her family on the desk and remembers the night she told Fatsy that she , Jimmie Boyd , was the woman Walter Barnes would marry . This news had troubled her friend . She told Jimmie it would mean more heartache than not . . " Remember , " Fatsy said . " If you change the name and not the letter , you marry for worse and not for better . " " Nah . Just a rhyme we used to say as kids ; it don 't mean nothing . " Jimmie looks at the picture and thinks that Fatsy 's words had turned out to be not too far off the mark . But she shakes her head and laughs at a thought , pushing away any others . Next time , she 'll tell the ladies about the night she cooked a stew for Walter , and met him at the door naked and wearing 3 - inch heels and Nerf reindeer horns . She got that tip from a tv show on how to spice up your dinner . Walter had asked for seconds . |
The group hadn 't come this way , but there was a boot print in the mud , half hidden by twigs and leaves . If Hale had gone the other way , who did this print belong to ? " I don 't see them here , " she said . " We must 've passed them . " She covered the boot print with leaves , wondering if this weren 't some sort of test . Little Whipple would have known if there were anyone else in the wood today . She would have told them to be watchful . No one enters Cutter Wood without an assignment . If this were a test , Macy would surely pass without the aid of the Lady of the Ax . Lochlin gave Macy a curious glance that was too polite to be a frown . " Well , if you 're certain , you should follow them . " She pointed toward a spot midway between the direction Clever Hale had gone and where Macy stood . " I 'll make my own search this way . " " Agreed , " Macy said , with as much seriousness as she could muster . She was certain Little Cowle probably thought her daft , but Macy was too pleased to have the boot print all to herself to care . As she watched Little Cowle and her red hood disappear into the trees , Macy wondered if this wasn 't Little Whipple 's plan all along , a chance for Macy to redeem herself and show Fray Cole and everyone else that she was the one meant to be Lady of the Ax . For the first time since that horrible miscarriage of justice , when Lochlin Cowle stole the ax and the title out from under her , Macy allowed herself to imagine how good she would look in that red cloak . Red really was her color . It did nothing for Lochlin 's pasty complexion except to make her seem even pastier . She pictured her cloak next to Clever Hale 's green stripe . The contrast between the two would make them one of the handsomest couples in town . Macy could already feel the admiring glances as they walked hand and hand down Centre St . But first , she had to win that cloak . As soon as Little Cowle was out of sight , Macy uncovered the boot print . She was certain they belonged to the fox . Macy thought of the way one of the wolves haPosted by So they wouldn 't be alone on assignment . That was disappointing , but Macy wouldn 't let that bother her . If there was one thing in which she had confidence , it was her ability to be charming . There wasn 't anyone else at this school who could diminish this experience for her . Not even , she decided , if it were a Lady of the Ax . The Ladies ' post was a Grandmother 's cottage in the heart of Cutter Wood . Lochlin and Macy , being both Ladies of the Fray , were to share this cabin until their assignment was complete . Clever Hale would be somewhere close by , perhaps in a Wood Cutter 's cottage . Macy woke to find two letters placed upon the table in the modest little kitchen . One addressed to Little Bridges . The other , Little Cowle . The cottage was quiet , as Lochlin Cowle had already donned her red cloak and set out to find breakfast . A do - gooder , Macy thought . Perhaps she should 've been a Lady of the Brown Nose , if there were such a title . Though Little Red would not approve , Macy snatched up Lochlin 's letter , and read . Slay a fox ? Such a terribly easy assignment . A smile slid across her lips . Perhaps being a Lady of the Ax was not all it was thought to be . Iconic , yes , but nothing more than a slayer . She opened her own letter , the red ink a familiar and exciting find . The sight of it made her pulse pound . Macy 's smile fell . Assist in the capture . The words made a vile sound in her head and laid heavily on her tongue . Assist . She was to assist the Lady of the Ax . Macy tossed her letter into the fire , watching flames consume the red ink . The door opened and Little Cowle stood in its frame with two squirrels and a basket of robin 's eggs . " Is that my letter ? " she asked , in her meek , quiet voice . Macy stood , knowing she was taller than Little Cowle . She wouldn 't be looked down upon by such a girl . " Of course it is . " Macy 's arm extended only half way , and Lochlin had to cross the room to take the letter . Macy pretended to watch the fire as the other girl read her simple assignment . Her breakfast was terrible . Gamey and wild , with bits of missed fur still attached to the meat . She had never skinned a squirrel , but she couldn 't have asked Lochlin for help . Macy Bridges was every bit as capable of wielding a blade . " We should start with the eastern portion of the wood and sweep to the west , following the sun , " said Clever Hale . Macy wondered if his assignment was to assist the Lady of the Ax as well . Such a handsome and talented boy , wasted on a peasant 's task . Macy 's eyes followed a murder of crows through the eastern sky , their black feathers nearly blotting out the early morning sun . " I agree with Clever Hale , " she said , hoping to be rid of Lochlin and alone with the boy . " As do I . " Little Cowle fastened her ax at her hip . Macy 's own hips felt bare , with nothing but a small blade dangling from her belt . Cutter Wood was cold beneath the trees and a light frost , the first of the season , covered the ground . Dead leaves coated in delicate ice crunched beneath her boots . Before Lochlin could speak , Macy said , " This way . I saw tracks . " Of course the only tracks Macy had seen belonged to the three of them . As she watched Hale walk away , something tickled the back of her mind . Instinct , maybe . Something about the way he slipped between trees , silent and swift . She remembered his easy grin and realized his movements were just as a Clever 's should be . Still , there was something there that she couldn 't ignore . " I don 't see tracks , " Lochlin said , breath rising from her lips . " Where did you spot them ? " Macy scanned the ground hoping to find tracks of any kind , so that she could say she 'd mistaken them for a fox . The group hadn 't come this way , but there was a boot print in the mud , half hidden by twigs and leaves . If Hale had gone the other way , who did this print belong to ? " I don 't see them here , " she said . " We must 've passed them . " She covered the boot print with leaves , wondering if this weren 't some sort of test . Little Whipple would have known if there were anyone else in the wood today . She would have told them to be watchful . No one enters Cutter Wood without an assignment . If this were a test , Macy would surely pass without the aid of the Lady of the Ax . * * * * * ( Despising a color was a new experience for Macy Bridges . She couldn 't recall another time in her life when she 'd found herself at odds with anything that couldn 't be considered competition . And yet she here she sat , despising a poor , defenseless color . Three days had passed since the Hunt at Little Red 's Academy for Ladies of the Fray . For all of that time , the cerulean blue cloak of a Lady of Cunning sat folded and scorned on the corner of Macy 's dresser . It didn 't matter that fewer Ladies of Cunning had been named this year than had been named in a decade . Ladies of Cunning weren 't iconic and their blue robes did nothing but make it clear how far they were from being a Lady of the Ax . She knew the charge by heart : As Little Red uncovered the wolves disguise , it is the duty of a Lady of Cunning to see what others do not , to question what others cannot , and to uncover the lies that will harm . The words were a constant refrain in her mind . Each time they repeated , she found the words even more hateful . The injustice of being usurped of her rightful title by sniveling Lochlin Cowle still prickled every time her eyes snagged on the cloak . She hadn 't even bothered to go in for a proper fitting . She didn 't expect to wear it much . Blue , she 'd decided , made her skin look sallow , and it was common for Ladies of the Fray to go without their cloaks depending on their work . It would be easy to set it aside and forget the travesty that had befallen her . Better , she thought , to shove it into the darkest corner of her closet and hope the blue faded from neglect . Most of the other girls had fawned over her , of course , many of them wishing they 'd also been named Ladies of Cunning . They used words like " unique " and " elite , " but Macy knew it was all talk . No one in their right mind wanted to be anything other than a Lady of the Ax . Still , she didn 't dissuade their praises . After all , it was better if they thought she believed it was true . No one needed to know she 'd had to return the red leather boots she bought and no one needed to know she 'd shed a single tear over her placement . The knock at her door came as the sun was beginning to set over to Cutter Wood . The view from her fourth story apartment had once filled her with a sense of destiny and knowing . Now it was just the sun abandoning the world yet again to darkness and wolves . She drew the curtain , for all the good it did , and opened the door to find a young girl in the brown slacks and shirt she 'd only recently left behind herself . A new recruit to the Academy judging by her height and the way her feet resisted holding still . She held out an envelop with Macy 's name scrawled across the front and said , " Little Bridges . " Macy took the envelop with a nod and a curt , " Thanks , " and shut the door again . She 'd been expecting the letter , but not quite so soon . Most were given at least a week before receiving their first assignment , time enough to celebrate and move from the student wing to the quarters set aside for newly appointed Littles . Macy had barely started packing . Nothing seemed worth taking anymore . Everywhere she looked , little bits of blue stared back , from the background of photographs and tucked within pieces of jewelry , even her make - up palate was tainted . Crawling into bed to tuck her feet beneath the covers , Macy paused before opening the letter . She wasn 't used to doubting herself . Three days ago , she 'd have torn the letter open before the door clicked shut . It never would have occurred to her that she wouldn 't like what she found inside . Now , though , she worried that its early arrival was a bad sign . Had she performed so poorly in the mimic ring that they wanted to get rid of her entirely ? She recognized the format of an assignment letter immediately , the page carried the signature scent of cinnamon and the ink was red . It was the letters themselves that didn 't make any sense . Macy read them again and then once more before allowing herself to smile . Little Bridges , it began , Due to your exceptional record during your time at the academy and your exemplary performance during the final hunt , we request that you present yourself for early assignment . Report to Little Whipple 's office tomorrow morning by 7 AM . Sincerely , Fray Cole . Macy barely slept , she was unable to still her thoughts long enough to drift off and when she did , her dreams were a press of blue threatening to swallow her up , spitting her back out when she refused to relax into them . It didn 't matter . When the sun rose , she was alert and fresh as if she 's had a full night 's rest . She only hesitated when it came time to don her cloak . She did it quickly , without looking in the mirror and headed out the door with her head held high . The cloak whispered behind her as she walked and several passing students stopped to watch her pass . Macy kept her eyes forward to give the appearance of confidence , but also to avoid catching glimpses of the blue draped over her shoulders . This moment was very nearly a perfect one . If nothing else , she would be able to revel in the success of having been sent out on assignment before any of her classmates in spite of her status as a Lady of Cunning . Little Whipple 's office sat in the corner on the ground floor with a view of the practice field out one window and the Cutter Wood out the other . The door was open when she arrived , the room humming in the tone of hushed voices . She paused to knock , but Little Whipple spotted her and waved her inside . " Come in , come in . It 's good to see you , " she said without meeting her eyes . Little Whipple wasn 't known for her sentimentality . She 'd congratulated Macy on the day of the hunt , but had been distant since then . Macy didn 't need to wonder why . She stepped inside , moving to take one of the seats on the receiving side of Little Whipple 's desk . But seeing that one was already occupied by a boy only a few years older than herself , she stopped . The stripe of green running from the collar of his shirt down his right arm gave him away as a Clever Pan , but other than that he was a stranger . " This is Clever Oliver Hale . He graduated from Pan 's School for the Clever two years ago and will be assisting you on this assignment . Hale , this is Little Macy Bridges , Lady of Cunning . " " There 's no better match for a Clever than a Lady of Cunning , " he said . He had an easy grin , as Clever Pans should , inviting and playful . " Pleasure to meet you . " " Ah , here we are . Come in , come in , " Little Whipple said , snapping her hand through the air . So they wouldn 't be alone on assignment . That was disappointing , but Macy wouldn 't let that bother her . If there was one thing in which she had confidence , it was her ability to be charming . There wasn 't anyone else at this school who could diminish this experience for her . Not even , she decided , if it were a Lady of the Ax . Dear Adam , You were always the one who knew better . The brave one . The one who was kind . I 'll always remember how on the first day of kindergarten , I peed my pants because I was too scared to ask to go to the bathroom . And while everyone laughed and called me a baby , you stayed silent . Your mouth pressed in that thin , straight line that I learned means you 're Deciding Something Important . And how later that day during story time , when I sat surrounded by space as vast as the ocean , you waded across it and sat beside me . I was only five , but I knew then that you were better than me . Because I would never have chosen the outcast . I wanted to be in the middle of everything , I just didn 't know how . I never used to understand that saying about seeing the forest for the trees , but I get it now . I took you for granted . I think I spent the last eleven years trying to make up for that one day in kindergarten . Trying desperately to get everyone to like me , to show them all I was more than a shy loser . I spent so much time judging their every nuance , every glance my way , that I totally missed the best friend I will ever have , standing right there accepting me just the way I was . Your heart is so big , sometimes I felt smothered by it . I knew I could never live up to being the girl you thought I was . I was shallow and weak . I wanted to be popular . All you needed was me , and I thought I needed the world . You thought I was beautiful , but I needed someone else to say it . I needed to feel like I won something , I guess . I needed someone like Garrett , who could have any girl , to want me . Even if it was only for one night . Even if it meant losing you . When you kissed me that night , it felt like everything was exactly how it was supposed to be . It felt like fate , and forever and it scared the shit out of me . I didn 't run because it was awful , I ran because it was perfect and I knew I would screw it up . And then Garrett was there , with his flask , and all his attention on me . And the worst part is , when he kissed me , I felt nothing . Posted by My father doesn 't acknowledge me , or the day , when I come into the kitchen , despite the headline on the front page of the paper he 's hiding behind that reads Is Today The Day ? I 've promised the paper an exclusive on what I saw behind the gate , if I make it through the day . Part of me hopes I don 't . I keep thinking about Tommy Diaz , and how his parents would feel if I survive the gate 's curse when he didn 't . " See ya , Dad , " I call as I open the kitchen door to the warm September morning . I don 't even bother with my backpack . There 's no way I 'm going to the madhouse otherwise known as school . Today , I finish what I started . Or die trying . Every day for six months , I 've tried to die . On that very first day , the six - month anniversary of passing through the death gate , I returned to the littered bunker and sat inside . Waiting for whatever it was that was going to claim me to get it over with , and trying not to gag on the overwhelming scents of stale beer and piss - apparently , visiting the gate had become even more popular in recent months . A small crowd gathered , posting Facebook updates whenever I stood to stretch my legs or sniffled too loudly . But the sun went down and the moon came up and all the diligent followers abandoned me and the gate around midnight . Kim stuck around . She hugged the life out of me when I stepped back through the gate . A photographer from the paper snapped a shot of the moment : Kim looking tearful and relieved , me looking still dazed and still confused . I gave my exclusive and the paper ran the story under the title Beth Survives the Death Gate ! And for a few weeks , everything was miserable . I couldn 't go two minutes without someone snapping a picture or asking for an autograph or begging me to tell them something I hadn 't told the paper . But then it stopped . People moved on . Forgot all about me and the gate when it was time to think about something more exciting like Homecoming . I thought it was over . But every morning , I woke with the same question in my head : why six months ? What did it mean that Tommy had died six months after going through the gate ? Nothing . It meant that was when he died and nothing else . There was no Death Gate Guide that said six months was what you got after entering , no way of knowing when death would come for you . Or how . Every morning , the thought broke over me like frigid sea spray , with a growl and startling violence . I spent three days rolled up in my comforter , letting dad think I was sick , wondering if there was something lurking inside me the same way there 'd been for Tommy . I spent three days letting death taunt me . And then I got over it . I got up and started taunting death right back . It never occurred to me that tempting fate came with such variety . I thought I 'd run out of dangerous activities before a month had passed . But that was only the beginning . Once you start dreaming up all the different ways you could die on any normal day , the possibilities are endless . I started off with the obvious - walking the edge of the crumbling sea wall , driving too fast , diving into the ocean in November - any opportunity that looked even marginally reckless was a good one . Then I got creative . I started looking at everything with an eye for the unexpected adventure it might offer . School became much more interesting when started noticing how many windowless doors dotted the halls , and the pier was a wealth of nookish alleyways and craggy descents . Things that might have scared me before became something else entirely , challenges and possibilities . At first , no one noticed but Kim . She 'd tag along beside me making nervous jokes about back when we thought the death gate was for real and how crazy the whole town got over nothing . " Everyone 's going through it now , " she 'd say , snapping her gum through her teeth . " But it 's so last year , ya know ? It can 't ever be as cool as when you did it . " And then , when she realized I was really going to jump off the pier , or climb up the tallest turret of that old wall , or squeeze past the barbed wire fence on the old Seavers property , she 'd add , " You don 't have anything to prove , Beth . " I didn 't know how to tell her it was about dying with integrity without sounding crazy . Instead , I smiled and said , " I know . " My new reputation came in with the tide and sometime after Christmas there was a new Facebook fan page , Beth Defying Death ! , reporting on my recent daredevil activities . The fan count has been reinvigorated by the possibility that I might still die in an exciting way . I couldn 't really care about the page one way or another , but the discussions over what crazy thing I 'd do next have been useful . I never would have thought to cross Winney Lake on my own - a notoriously thin lake at its widest point , even in February . Now , it 's the one - year anniversary of my passing through the death gate , and I 'm running short on ways to die . Haven 't I done everything I can to make sure it isn 't something stupid and sneaky like a brain aneurysm that takes me ? What else can I possibly do ? After living with death for a solid year , our relationship is ready for the next step . For the first and only time , I comment to the fan page , " Today , at 2pm , I 'm crossing Winney lake . " Within minutes , it has more likes than people at my school alone and Kim is on the phone begging me to drop this already . " I 'll meet you there , " I say and hang up . There are crowds on either side of the lake when I get there . Stomping their feet in the fresh snow and talking in low voices . No one says anything directly to me . They 're all too afraid to be the last one to speak to me before I die . If I die . There 's a new theory floating around that the death gate didn 't steal my life , it made me invincible . After a year of chasing death , I 'm ready to believe them . I have to wend through tall weeds to get out onto the pond . Snow covers everything , hiding dark ice below it . I move quickly at first . My breath is loud in my ears and before long , I 've managed to work up a sweat . When I 'm a little more than halfway across the breadth of the lake , I stop to rest . The ice is so quiet and so loud all at once . It yawns and groans , pops and hisses . I wonder if this is what death sounds like . If death is a whisper and a snap . Beneath me , theDeath is the promise that makes everything else mean something . I kick . Of all the things I 've done this year , I don 't regret a single one . I kick . I wouldn 't have done any of them if I hadn 't crossed that threshold . My hands press against something solid . The death gate didn 't kill me , but it did change me . I haul my body out of the water and roll away from the hole in the world . I roll until I 'm dizzy and my ears and eyes start to work again . The shore isn 't far but it 's loud and fractured with people running in all directions . Part of me can 't believe that there are so many people obsessed enough with my life to stand out here in the cold while I attempt something not all that amazing . And part of me can 't help but wonder if they 're out here because this is the closest they 'll ever get to doing something dangerous . I climb to my feet , listing for any sounds of cracking or complaining from the ice . It 's hard to hear over the clatter of my teeth . My head will ache when I can feel it again , but the pain will be welcome . My progress across the ice is slow , but by the time I 've made my way back to the reeds where an ambulance with warm blankets waits , I know that my fate was sealed before I ever stepped through the death gate . But what the rest of the town doesn 't know is , so were theirs . " What ? " Kim jumped back from the gate like my words had made it come alive . " You 're fun , Beth . I was just messing with you . " I slid down the small hill until my nose found its way between the bars . I could smell rotting leaves , and dirt , and maybe stale beer inside . " C ' mon , Beth . Let 's go . " Kim tugged at my sleeve . I pushed on the gate and it gave way . I took a breath , filled my lungs with the stench of lilac , and stepped inside . That was when it started , about six months ago . Everyone started waiting for me to die . Kim was on her phone , texting God knows who , the minute I went through the gate . If the sea wall wasn 't so far from town , and it hadn 't been so cold , I 'm sure there would 've been a crowd waiting when I came back out . As it was , it hadn 't been necessary . Kim snapped a pic of me looking dazed and confused , one hand out in front of me , pushing the door open . By the time we got back to my place , everyone in school had a copy . I got seventy - two new friend requests on facebook . I became , quite suddenly , the most popular girl in Hancock Bay . It was the single greatest thing that ever happened to Kim . I know this because she said so almost every day . I can 't believe I 'm best friends with a real - live celebrity ! A month after I went inside , my fan page , Beth Against Death ! and its counterpart , the death gate 's fan page , Death For Beth ! had around 2000 fans each - most of them double dippers . A ticking clock counted down the days until my impending doom - or triumph - depending on which side you were on . By summer , the whole town knew . There wasn 't a day that went by without a tourist coming into the Ice Palace and asking for a photo with " the girl who went through the death gate . " My father was not impressed , but every one of those tourists also bought a cone , or a sundae , or a smoothie , so he mostly kept quiet about it . Business was business whether it was for Rayburn 's Hand - Churned Ice Cream or " that freaky girl who 's going to die . " Only my grandmother got upset Posted by They say if you go inside , your fate is sealed . Just like that . You open the rusted iron bars , step through the threshold and you might as well say goodbye to the world . I 've only known two people to ever test the urban legend : Tommy Diaz , who died six months after he went inside from a heart condition nobody knew he had , and me . There was nothing special about that day . It was cold outside , not really winter anymore but not quite spring either . Just cold in that wet way that sticks to your bones . The walk to the old turret wall was a short one , made longer by Kim 's nostalgic silence . She 'd been talking about days that I 'd rather just forget - - sleepovers at my old house with popcorn and root beer floats , and a mother that could tell the best stories . I 'd never told Kim , but the reason my mother 's stories were so good , or scary , or real , was because to her they were true . The turret wall was built in the eighteen hundreds , made to protect our city by the sea from invading ships . Now it was just an old crumbling structure along the nature walk . Smaller structures were scattered along the trail . Some were bunkers that held cannons in them hundreds of years ago . And then there was the death gate . Nobody knew why the death gate was built . Nobody that I knew , anyway . I 'm sure a historian somewhere knew why it was put there , but it didn 't matter . The legend was what we cared about . It was the kind of thing everybody knew , but nobody talked about . The dare that everyone claimed they 'd take , but nobody ever did . " Do you think it 's for real ? " Kim asked as we stopped to stare at the gate . Someone had spray painted the wall next to it years before us . An eerie warning , though not at all subtle . Enter and you die . " No . " I stuffed my fists into my jacket pockets and stared down through the bars . Inside was littered with trash - a broken red plastic cup , a slew of beer bottles , a candy wrapper . It wasn 't the sort of place you 'd expect to carry such a reputation . It was just another littered bunker . " What about that kid that died ? " Kim climbed down the small slope to get a better look inside . " He had a heart condition . " The words tasted like a lie . Tommy Diaz was an athlete with no prior history of any heart problems . He went inside one night on a dare , the red plastic cup could 've been left there by him , and six months later Tommy was dead . " I guess . Still , isn 't it fun to pretend ? Like when we were little and we 'd sneak into the cemetery and do the Bloody Mary thing . " " Beth . Just Beth . " Elizabeth was my mother 's name . She 'd died some years before and nobody had ever explained exactly how or why . She was too curious for her own good , my grandmother said . She was ill , was all my father could say . My mother was crazy . That much I knew . Cold - hearted as it seemed , it was easier to forget her completely . And in a town by the sea , where people tossed their problems into the waves like dead rats from a plagued ship , forgetting her was just something we did . Most of the time . " And I am fun , " I mumbled . My skin prickled in that way it does when hidden eyes are watching . The wind didn 't blow colder , though I half expected it to , but still I could smell it - lilacs . My mother 's perfume smelled of lilacs . Whether it was to get away from her memory , or if something inside me was trying to find her again , I don 't know , but I said , " Move . I 'm going inside . " " What ? " Kim jumped back from the gate like my words had made it come alive . " You 're fun , Beth . I was just messing with you . " I slid down the small hill until my nose found its way between the bars . I could smell rotting leaves , and dirt , and maybe stale beer inside . " C ' mon , Beth . Let 's go . " Kim tugged at my sleeve . I pushed on the gate and it gave way . I took a breath , filled my lungs with the stench of lilac , and stepped inside . Daisy stared at the birds , wondering how they could possibly show her anything . They were just birds , she told herself . And she was just a girl with a sleep disorder . " Let go , " Caleb whispered in her ear , startling her with his closeness and the way his voice tickled her skin . She closed her eyes , controlled her breathing , and steadied her heartbeat . She could feel the eyes of every bird , but instead of weighing her down , she felt lifted . She felt like she could perch beside them and be accepted as one of them . When she opened her eyes , she was met with Caleb 's smile . She remembered everything . It began in the spring , when the elm was newly stripped and the crows were dark lumps on its charred branches . Instead of going through the yards on her way to school , Daisy gave the old tree a wide berth . The early morning air was cutting and it would have been faster to pass through Caleb 's yard , but it wasn 't worth it to walk beneath the old bones of the tree . So when she paused and held out her hand to feel for rain , she should have noticed how odd it was that an elm seed landed in the center of her palm . At the time , it had only been a strange irritation . And as she closed her fingers around the seed 's delicate skirt , a crow said caw . That was the first night she 'd woken in the forest with nothing on but her old Muppet Show t - shirt and sweats that weren 't meant for outdoor use . But now she also knew that it was the first night she 'd stood outside a circle of crows . They flew one after another , beak to tail to beak , all of them diving forward and falling back . Each night it was the same ; crows flying in a constant circle . At first , there were only twenty , but over the summer more had come . And more and more until there had been so many Daisy couldn 't see to tell them apart . They flew in a ring . The only noise about them was the beating of their feathers and the rush of wind . Sometimes she would close her eyes and the sound of their flight , the feel of their passing , gave her the sense of flying with thPosted by Caleb cocked his head to the side and frowned . Just when she thought she might die from the silence , he spoke . " I saw you , " he said , in a surprisingly low voice . Then he did the most unexpected thing of all . He smiled . That smile let Daisy know he wasn 't talking about this morning in her back yard . She clutched her bag in her arms . If he saw her last night , maybe he knew what was happening to her . Maybe he could tell her why the woods pulled her from her bed , or why the crows seemed to speak to her . Caleb 's smile shifted as he leaned forward in his elbows . His thumbs stuck out through holes cut into the sleeves of his thermal . He always wore one beneath his t - shirts , even in the summer . And his thumbs always stuck out from those holes , like if they didn 't , his arms might turn to wings and carry him away . " Daisy ? " he whispered . His voice cut through her and made her shiver . That skin prickling feeling returned . She didn 't like the way he looked at her as if he knew all of her secrets . It angered her that that might be true . She should know more about herself than Caleb Brown . " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " she said . She felt his eyes on her as she walked away , knowing that he knew , just as well as she did , that that was a lie . * * * The sun kissed her cheeks and Daisy opened her eyes to a clear blue sky , branches cutting through it like bony fingers ready to descend on her . She sat up with a start , the same way she always did upon waking in the forest . She should expect it by now , but it was one of those things that you just can 't become accustomed to . She brushed the red and yellow leaves from her clothes , pulled her hair into a fresh pony tail , and began the walk home . She was prepared to tell her mother about her morning jog , and how she 'd seen a deer dart across the path . She was prepared to answer any questions to fill in the gaps . But she wasn 't prepared for Caleb Brown , perched among the heavy branches of the dead elm , watching her with those steely gray eyes . She stoppedPosted by It was happening more and more frequently these days . Daisy kept waking up in the woods . And even though she loved seeing the sun spill it 's first pale light over the fields just as she stepped out of the trees , she would 've preferred to see it from her bed , or even better , in photographs taken while she was still asleep . It hadn 't been so bad during the summer , when it first started , but now the mornings were cold , and she knew that soon there would be frost on the ground around her when she woke . Already this morning , she could see a faint hint of her breath against the sky as she made her way back to the house . Crows crowded the dead branches of the elm tree that got struck by lightning last spring . They watched her silently as one , their heads tilting in unison to follow her path . After the third time she 'd found herself curled up on the floor of the forest with no memory of how she got there , she 'd invested in a set of workout clothes . It was hard to fall asleep in sneakers , but she 'd gotten used to it . Daisy had never been a liar , but something about what was happening made her feel like she should keep it to herself . Even if that meant pretending to be enthusiastic about running . She told herself she was just sleepwalking , a perfectly normal habit , but deep down inside she knew that was a lie , too . In the beginning , Daisy had anxiously searched the news every time she woke up in the woods , but so far there 'd been no reports of any crimes on those nights . So far . The longer it went on , the more she started to think that the absence of blood on her hands didn 't mean she wasn 't hurting anyone . This was the third time this week and it was only Wednesday . A small , but growing , part of her was beginning to feel that even if she was doing something really bad , it had to be better to know than not . Just as Daisy reached her back door , a crow let out a loud caw . Startled , she turned toward the sound . It came , not from behind her , but to her right . The bird dipped its head at her before flapping its wings Posted by There are boys , and then there are boys , and for a girl like me , a hopeless romantic with an uncanny ability to torture herself , there 's Paul . I see him every day after school , at his granddaddy 's farm stand just outside of town . I have to walk passed on my way home and since the summer he turned eighteen and graduated high school , he 's been working there . I walk by each day just to catch a glimpse of his sun - kissed skin and that smile that steals my breath . " Afternoon , Ms Emma Jean , " he says , in that lazy way of his that exudes confidence without any hint of arrogance . It only makes him more beautiful . He stacks a crate of fresh - picked peaches next to the snap peas that Mama asked me to buy today . " What can I get you ? " I smile , but only just , hiding the way my heart hammers in my chest . " A pound of those , " I say , pointing to his hand resting on the crate of peas . His fingers are long , and calloused from days spent in the fields . I wonder what they would feel like twined with mine . He grabs a peach and tosses it to me . I nearly fall over trying to catch it and he laughs . My cheeks burn . " Pretty peach for a pretty girl , " he says . And then he turns away to pack up Mama 's snap peas . The peach in my hands is soft , perfectly ripe , and means more to me than any piece of fruit ever should . I wish it meant something to him . Another day , another glimpse , another pound of produce that Mama really doesn 't need . I should just walk by and not wonder how his hands would feel against my skin , or how soft his lips would be on mine . I should just keep going , but instead I say , " A dozen Granny Smith 's , please . " " You gonna bake a pie ? " Paul asks , as he sifts through the crate to find the best apples . He likes to be sure you get what you pay for , even if you don 't know what to look for in a good fruit . I like that about him . He takes pride in what he does . I look at the crates and try to think of something else , anything else that Mama might want . Anything to stay a moment longer . To touch his hand again . But there 's nothing , and my heart can 't take much more today . " No . That 's it . " The next day I stay after school for softball practice and when I pass Paul 's farm stand , he 's already packing up the crates into the bed of his pick - up . My stomach sinks , realizing I have no reason to stop and talk to him . I hoist my backpack up on my shoulder and walk faster , trying to pass him without looking . Out of the corner of my eye , I see him bend and lift a heavy crate , and even though I can 't make out the details , I know the way his muscles move beneath his skin . Me ? I stop short , nearly tripping over my own two feet . Paul smiles and waves me over . I should keep going . Go right on home and forget about Paul . Forget about his dark brown hair and eyes like drops of chocolate . " Hey , " I say , walking toward him . " I know . " He arches one eyebrow and I shy away from him . I 've watched him for years , silently torturing myself with daydreams about a boy I can 't have . He could have anyone . " So how was that apple pie ? " He rubs the back of his neck and looks down at our feet . I kick at the dirt and gravel . " It was good . Had to be with such good apples . " I close my eyes , not wanting to see the look on his face . I know how stupid I sound . " I 'd better go . " " Wait . " He grabs my wrist , but quickly lets go . He smiles . " Sorry . " I can 't do it . I can 't stand here and pretend I don 't want him . " I really shouldn 't be here , Paul . " " Not in the way I want to be , " I mumble , not loud enough for him to hear . Or maybe I shout it , and I just can 't hear over my own heart beating . " See you . " I pass by the farm stand but today it 's empty . No crates , no baked goods from his Mama 's kitchen , and no Paul . No Paul . Somehow I know he 's gone . I feel it inside , like when you spend every afternoon on the beach ' til summer ends , then you don 't go anymore and something just feels off . Missing . Over . I stop along the dirt road , stare at the empty spot at the edge of the field , and I notice how the sky meets the corn stalks in a way I never have before . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Thanks for reading ! We come back next week with a brand new tangle started by Valerie ! As soon as she was gone , I hung the chain around my neck and threw on a pair of jeans . The key hummed against my racing heart . I knew exactly what it unlocked , and I couldn 't wait to find out what was inside . The sun was just peeking over the hill when I slipped out the back door and headed for Nana 's shack . The shack was the same as it had always been ; pointed , sloping roof , crooked little door , and broken windows , but today it felt like a new place entirely . It wasn 't Nana Marin 's shack any longer . It was mine . I stepped through the threshold and breathed in the familiar scent of lemons and honey , mothballs and herbs . A scent that lingered in the cracks of the walls and hung on the wool curtains that Nana had sewn together so many years before . In the back corner of the shack sat a four poster brass bed , and at the foot of the bed , a heavy trunk with a small rusted keyhole . I 'd seen Nana eye the trunk longingly each time I 'd visited , but she 'd never opened it in front of me . Was it because Mom had the only key ? A witch as powerful as Nana could 've opened it with magic , I was sure , but I couldn 't begin to know how to do that myself . I slipped the chain over my head and slid the key in . I held my breath as I lifted the heavy lid . The hinges groaned , shattering the quiet of the empty shack . Inside I found Nana 's robes . It wasn 't what I 'd expected , but my heart still skipped a beat when I pulled the fabric from its resting place , and slid it over my shoulders . The wool scratched against my skin , the weight of it tugging my arms down at my sides . In the left pocket I found Nana 's hair pins and smiled as I twisted my long hair into a bun . Nana wasn 't gone . She was inside me . I could feel her there , just inside the shield of magic , whispering in my ear , You 'll never have trouble getting the things you want , Sophie . I wanted to make the wind in the trees sing along with my rhymes . I wanted the earth to move at my touch . I wanted to call the birds in a tongue they 'd understand . I wanted to know the future . At the bottom of the trunk , beneath a heavy aged book , I found a deck of cards . Not regular playing cards like I had back in my bedroom . These were Nana 's magic cards . Something tickled in my stomach , a mix of elation and fear . My cards had told my story , things I 'd already known , but they were ordinary playing cards . Could Nana 's tell me more ? I sat on the cold dirt floor , willed a fire to life in the hearth and smiled when the flames licked the charred logs . The woods outside fell silent . I shuffled the cards until I felt the warmth in my hands that said they were ready to speak . " Okay , " I said . " Tell me my story . " I laid the cards out in front of me . The story they told was a familiar one ; the witch woman in the pointed shack who keeps the stories of others . They told of how , without even trying , she 'd used her magic to make things grow , how she belonged to the woods as much as they belonged to her . Until her sixteenth year when she made a choice . A choice to know more , a desire for more power and more knowledge than she had already been given . The magic consumed her and bound her to the shack in the woods , in life and in death , never set free until another witch of the same line would make the same choice . I looked around the empty shack , some small part of me hoping to see Nana sitting in her rocker by the fire watching me with curious eyes , but I was alone . I shuffled again . The Ace of Swords sat at the top of the first pile , just touching the head of the High Priestess . They told me the story of how the witch 's desire for more brought her to read the cards of the ancients . Cards that held so many answers , so many stories , and so , so much magic . Too much for one witch alone . Cards that had been locked away for years in a trunk that only a small brass key could unlock . The magic of the cards would confine the witch , making her the keeper of stories , never having one of her own . Power corrupts , Sophie , My mother had warned . Everything has consequences . I thought it impossible that Nana , with her cool but gentle hands , could have been corrupted by anything , let alone her own magic . Was she a prisoner here ? Somewhere in my mind , I knew the answer . It was like a whisper through the trees , just soft enough that I had to strain to hear it . The key lay next to the cards as if it were a part of the deck . Nana was gone , on the sixteenth year of my birth . I looked down at my hands resting in my lap , atop Nana 's robes . I had to clench them together to keep from shuffling again . The desire to know more was there , pulling me toward the cards , making me want to listen to all the stories they had to tell . Make your own decision . I remembered the tightness to my mother 's mouth as she spoke those words to me . As if she had more to say , but the words wouldn 't leave her lips . I fell back , kicking the cards away from me . The cold earth pressed against me , but it wasn 't what made my body shiver and my hands shake . The story in front of me wasn 't Nana Marin 's . It was mine . My breath , too , became thin as I considered the cards before me . I thought of all the words I could use to describe what was happening ; eerie , unlikely , coincidence , impossible . And as I stared at the rows of cards , laid exactly as they 'd been four years ago , a story began to unfold in my mind . It started with a young girl who lived at the bottom of a hill who considered things that were not in any way ordinary to be ordinary . She saw things others did not , could do things others could not , and it was all because of one , very unordinary thing . She was a witch . Just like Nana . I wanted to run to the shack and see her but I knew instinctively that she would be gone . The cards said it too , in the way the queen of hearts sat next to the six of spades . I could feel her absence from my life like a hole in a shield I never knew I 'd had until now . Nana Marin had protected me all this time , but now power began to swim toward me in waves . It flowed from the earth and the air into my veins . I was a witch . The strongest in five generations . The world was mine for the taking , and I was ready to take . I remembered Nana 's words . You will never have trouble getting the things you want out of life . I wished she would ask me one last time if I felt any different today . My chest ached at the thought I would never speak to her again and for a moment I was lost in the sadness of it all . A soft knock on my bedroom door was followed by Mom 's tentative whisper . " Sophie ? Are you up ? " She pushed open the door before I had time to even think of hiding the cards . Her eyes fell on them for a long moment , and the paralyzing silence returned . I could only watch her watch me in the faint light of my bedside lamp . " Oh , Sophie , " she said , as she stepped into the room and pushed the door shut behind her . She leaned against it like it was the only thing holding her up and took a deep breath . I was suddenly angry in a way I 'd never been before . It took me a moment to recognize the feeling behind it . Betrayal . All this time she 'd knownPosted by It wasn 't a great shock , though I realize now that it should have been . I asked my dad when she would arrive and whether or not she 'd wear a pointed hat for the party - I had it in my head that nanas were given to wearing pointed hats at parties . Dad gave me a strange look and told me that she 'd passed away when I was just a baby , but Mom took me by the hand and said , " Don 't tell stories , Sophie . " She lived in a slouching old shack in the steep hills behind my house at the end of a little trail that forked off of a bigger one that forked off of an even bigger one . I don 't remember how I found it the first time , but by the time I was eight I could get there in my sleep . Once a month I visited and on every birthday after the seventh . Nana was always dressed in layers of wool and flannel , her hair was pinned up in a bun that looked like a pastry rested on the top of her head , and she smelled like lemons and honey . Her house was warm despite the way light seeped in around the logs and autumn winds snaked down from holes in the roof . When I visited , we would sit on the dusty ground and weave together ropes of pine needles I 'd collected or little bits of yarn she produced from somewhere in the house . She taught me songs I 'd never heard and when we sang them together , the wind whistled through the trees in harmony . When I turned twelve , I brought her a deck of playing cards because I overheard Mom telling Mrs . Gallow how much Nana Marin loved a game called Gin Rummy . " Ah ! " She said , snapping them apart and back together again . " Shall I tell you your future ? " She flipped over the first card and pressed it into the dirt between us . I remember it was the eight of clubs and the corner was bent . She didn 't say anything , but she nodded , took a small breath and laid down every single card in that deck . She piled them in rows , all climbing toward my shins , and then sat back to examine them . " Mmm , " she said and pressed her fingers together so that they pointed like the tip of her house . " Mmm . " " Oh , Sophie , " she said with a laugh . " You will never have trouble getting the things you want out of life . You are far too stubborn . This is a good thing because the cards are telling me a story . About you . And on your sixteenth birthday , they will tell you , too . " " Now is not the time . " She swept up the cards and returned them to me . " Cards like these have many stories to tell , but they will not be pressed . They hold tightly to them until the time is right . " I never brought her cards again . I asked Mom once , around my fourteenth birthday , if Nana had ever read her future . Mom 's face sort of emptied out until all that was left behind were the pieces of it : eyes , lips , nose , and the same pointy chin I carried on my own face . Her only response was , " Where do you get such silly questions ? " Then she pushed a bag of green beans into my hands and said , " Snap . " Nana never mentioned the cards again and neither did I , both of us looking ahead to my sixteenth birthday as though it were nothing special . The closest she came to saying anything about it was on my fifteenth birthday . " Feel any different today ? " This question was a tradition and she asked it with playful smile . Or , she usually did . Today her mouth was serious . " No , Nana , " I said . " I feel like the same old Sophie . " She pressed her hands to my cheeks ; they were no warmer than the cool dirt we sat on , but far more forgiving . " Next year . That 'll be the one . You watch . " I was used to setting aside the strange things Nana said because when it came down to it , everything she said was strange . She was dead and I knew by now that the dead don 't talk . At least not to most people . The night before my sixteenth I woke in the middle of the night . I was hopeful that this was the change Nana mentioned and I would feel it . It wasn 't , and I made an indifferent trip to the bathroom . When I returned to my bedroom , annoyingly awake for so early in the morning , I reached for a book to pull the waking from my eyes and knocked over a small jewelry box . Two green , plastic bracelets and the entire deck of playing cards spilled to the floor . I sat to collect them , but ended up shuffling them . The cards said sssssnick . I shuffled until my hands felt warm and then laid them out on the carpet as Nana had done , in long rows of eight and nine . The first I recognized immediately ; the eight of clubs with one corner turned . The second also looked familiar and the third and the fourth . " They 're exactly the same , " I said , breaking the silence that suddenly felt too close . Silence rushed in again , holding the house hostage . My breath , too , became thin as I considered the cards before me . I thought of all the words I could use to describe what was happening ; eerie , unlikely , coincidence , impossible . And as I stared at the rows of cards , laid exactly as they 'd been four years ago , a story began to unfold in my mind . It started with a young girl who lived at the bottom of a hill who considered things that were not in any way ordinary to be ordinary . She saw things others did not , could do things others could not , and it was all because of one , very unordinary thing . Before she appeared , he 'd known the answer to that . If the demon that answered his call had born any other face he 'd have said , " My soul for health and wealth . " Now , though , it wasn 't so simple . " I 'm here to make a deal . " Jason said , finding a small piece of resolve to stand on . He cleared his throat and smoothed his shirt before he continued . " I 'm here to bargain for your soul . " Meredith looked at him for a long , long time . Her head tilted slightly to the right , her face revealing nothing . The breezes twisting around her stopped , and everything went still . Too still . Jason felt his certainty waver . The selfish part of him wanted to dig up his bag and run . Not out of fear , but from the shame . She 'd always been good at this . Holding back , using her silence to make him speak . He felt fifteen again as he asked the question he didn 't want to hear the answer to . " What did you do , Mere ? " At this , her eyes turned kind . For the first time since she 'd appeared , she looked like Meredith , and not some demon hiding behind her face . " I promised I 'd always look out for you , didn 't I ? " " Not like this . " The sickness that had started in Jason 's stomach reached out for the rest of his body . Anger like liquid fire shot through his veins . He wanted to climb into hell and take down whatever demon had convinced his sweet , selfless sister to give up her soul . She didn 't deserve hell . Especially not for him . " You should 've let me die . " Meredith nodded . " Maybe I could 've , if you were dying , but you weren 't . " " I don 't understand . If I wasn 't dying , then why ? " " Would you have rather been a quadriplegic for the rest of your life ? I couldn 't stand it , my baby brother , forever strapped into a chair , all because I was late picking him up . " Jason thought back to the accident . So much of it was missing from his memory . He didn 't know why he 'd been on the roof of the school that day , or how he 'd managed to fall off . And since it was after school hours , no one had seen him Posted by When the truck had gone , and the dust settled , the demon stood before him . It wasn 't what he 'd expected . It had no horns . No forked tongue or spaded tail . No pitchfork like a cartoon devil . It had eyes , not red , but as green as his own . And skin the color of milk with a touch of honey . And a face Jason Turner could never forget . The demon wore his sister 's face . There was no mistaking her crooked smile nor could he miss the small scar on her chin . " No , " he said and retreated one small step . A feint at what he actually wanted to do in that moment . He 'd been prepared to go toe to toe with something inhuman , with something grotesque and terrible . He 'd never seen a demon before tonight , but he 'd had it on good authority that they weren 't that easy to look upon . Of course , he wasn 't finding it easy to look upon his sister , either . The demon cocked its head to the side regarding him through amused eyes . " No ? C ' mon , Jacey . Is that any way to greet me after so long . " The pain in his stomach writhed again . " You can 't be here , " he said , gritting his teeth across his words . " I 'm afraid I can , " was her response . For a quiet moment , Jason watched the demon , his sister . He had come here to change his life . He 'd come looking for the means to forget the person he 'd been in all the years before this one and be better . There was irony in it , to be sure ; selling your soul in order to convince yourself you have one . That was the level to which Jason had fallen . Only a demon could raise him up again . But his sister hadn 't suffered from his less desirable traits . She had been kind and loving and good . The sort of person who 'd give the coat on her back if she saw someone in need . The sort of person who made sacrifices for others . Jason had never been that good or selfless . He was the sort of person who chastised her for confusing recklessness with kindness . He was the sort of person who summoned demons at crossroads . Not her . She couldn 't be here . A trick , he thought , that 's all this is . " Why are you using her face ? " Slow snaking breezes lifted the dust around her feet . It billowed around her , obscuring her feet in dull clouds . Moonlight cast pallor over everything , greying even her vibrant skin . And all around them , beetles snapped and clattered from the tall , dying grasses . " Always so good with denial . " The demon with his sister 's face said sadly . Lifting her hand before her , she opened her fingers to reveal a small leather bag . Not his , he realized . This one was darker , the drawstring at the top adorned with beads that glittered green and pink in the moonlight . Its strap was long and coiled around her wrist many times . At the edge of those coils her skin was pinched and pink . Even at a distance , Jason could see the scar from where it had dug into her skin . He didn 't want to recognize it and he didn 't know what it meant that he did , but the beads on the bag were distinct . They were the beads from a necklace he 'd given her on her seventeenth birthday when he 'd been barely fifteen . It hadn 't been in their budget , but he 'd taken extra work at the butcher for a month to afford it . That was before he 'd discovered easier , more practical ways of affording the finer things in life . " Jacey . " Her hand closed again on the little bag , clutching . Her fingers flushed white and Jason remembered how they twisted in the bed sheets at the end of another sleepless night . Her skin had lost its blush of honey so quickly and no one understood how or why such a healthy girl had grown so suddenly Before she appeared , he 'd known the answer to that . If the demon that answered his call had born any other face he 'd have said , " My soul for health and wealth . " Now , though , it wasn 't so simple . " I 'm here to make a deal . " Jason said , finding a small piece of resolve to stand on . He cleared his throat and smoothed his shirt before he continued . " I 'm here to bargain for your soul . " " Just fill it up , " he said , with a wave of his hand . He had no intention of paying the man , or using the fuel that would fill his empty tank . He had somewhere else to be , and he had no desire to return to his old life . He 'd forget the beemer and buy himself a Bentley by morning . The crossroads are a place where devils dance in the moonlight . Where souls are traded like stocks on Wall Street . A place where a person can forget who he was and the things that he 's done , if only he 's willing to pay . He smoothed down the front of his collared shirt and loosened his tie . Nothing was too costly for Jason Turner . This , he decided , was what had to be done . A practical measure . A bump in the road to success . He stood in the center of Cropsy and Manson , two dirt roads that lead to nowhere and the sight of far too many fatal car accidents . Someone should put a stop sign here , he thought . But there would be no stop sign , no traffic signal . Too many souls would be saved . Not many made the kind of deal Jason was willing to make and the crossroads demons had to meet their quota one way or another . A soul like Jason 's wasn 't ideal , he knew that . They 'd want someone pure , someone virtuous . Someone who didn 't already have one polished loafer in the devil 's door . He 'd need more than just his weathered soul if he wanted to strike up a bargain . From the pocket of his trousers , Jason removed a small leather bag he 'd bought at a charm shop from a gypsy woman . The bag smelled like cat piss and dirt , but she 'd assured him it would do the trick . He dug a small hole with the toe of his shoe , tossed the bag inside , and stamped the dirt back into place . With fisted hands and a rigid back , he waited . Nothing happened . He was duped , he knew it . Something heavy settled in his stomach . He doubled over , heaving into the dead grass along the side of the road . He was out of options . He needed this . He needed to enlist the help of hell 's best businessmen . Without the deal , Jason was done . Maybe the gypsy woman had forgotten to mention something . Some key that would unlock the gates of hell and grant him an easy way out . " Bury it , " she 'd hissed at him . " Bury it , and face your demon . " She 'd gripped his hands so tightly Jason could still feel the bite of her arthritic boney fingers . He was ready to face the demon , any demon . If only one would show . An eighteen wheeler sped down Crospy leaving Jason just enough time to jump back . When the truck had gone , and the dust settled , the demon stood before him . It wasn 't what he 'd expected . It had no horns . No forked tongue or spaded tail . No pitchfork like a cartoon devil . It had eyes , not red , but as green as his own . And skin the color of milk with a touch of honey . And a face Jason Turner could never forget . Every Monday , Wednesday , and Friday one TF writer will post a piece of the same story . Each of us will be responsible for one beginning , middle , and end in a single month . The fourth week will be full of surprises , we 're sure , and we 'll share them with you when we know what they are . |
This blog was started to make fun of the Homewrecking - Slut . I don 't talk about her much anymore . I do other things with the blog now , but for the most part it 's sort of a diary . So if you don 't care what I had for lunch , and the current post doesn 't interest you , maybe you should check out something in the popular posts section . I may have mentioned that I am not so much what you would call a girly girl . Not that I was ever really called a tomboy either . I didn 't like sports enough to be called that . And I am way to old to be called a tomboy now . But , still , compared to the rest of my sex , I don 't spend a lot of time shopping for clothes or looking in the mirror or getting my nails done , etc . . . . At some point , I decided that carrying a purse was too annoying for everyday use . My keys and ID and money could go in my pockets , along with maybe some lip balm , and I was good to go . This did not please my mother , as she could see all this stuff in my pockets , and it did not look lady - like or something . But I find that carrying around a purse is annoying , besides the fact that I might forget and leave my purse somewhere , and a couple of times that I 've had my purse stolen . So most of the time I would rather do without one , unless I am trying especially hard to look nice , or I need some stuff that I don 't want to carry around in my pockets like a brush and a bunch of medications and extra cosmetics . So it is sometimes necessary to carry a purse , and I do have one or two . I 'm just not often seen carrying them around . A couple months back I found a purse at a Goodwill . It was black and it had dark purple or plum flowers glued to the top . In my opinion , this was rather tacky . I thought that it would look good with a Harry Potter costume , as at some point I hope to have a hat with black or dark purple flowers on it , and the purse would match the hat , sort of . I had a look at the purse and found that it was in good shape and had a magnetic clasp . So it wasn 't an old purse . It was four dollars , and I decided to buy it . A bit more than a month ago , I was going to wear some of a witch costume to a Star Trek club meeting . I didn 't want to wear the costume all day , as it was rather warm . So I took the costume to change into . And as long as I would eventually be in the costume , I thought that I might as well take the purse too , even though I did not yet have a Posted by At first I thought that I would go with him . It was just one day out of town to no place special . But I haven 't been away for a very long time , and I thought that maybe just the one day would be nice . And one day away wouldn 't hurt the plants or anything . A week away would be bad for the plants , cause I really cannot trust anyone to come and water them . Unless it is raining already , and then I have to worry about the house flooding . Not that the house might not flood if I stay , but at least I would be there to make sure that the pump is working properly ( once it wasn 't even plugging in ) . So I don 't even think that three days in Waco is a good idea for me , but one day in the middle of nowhere might have been okay . On closer inspection , we decided that it would be best if I didn 't go . In fact , it would probably be best if he didn 't get a room at all and just came back home that night . The place where he would have gotten the room was about two hours away , but the place he would actually do the work was just a little bit closer , and while I would rather not make that drive at night after working all day , he has done worse . And we are very short on cash now , even for motel rooms that they eventually pay him back for . We have to actually have the cash first before we can spend it on stuff that they pay back . So I had been looking forward to getting out of the house for a day , but gave up on the idea . Then I got over it and starting looking forward to having the house to myself for twelve hours or so . I could sort through some clothes or do other work that I don 't usually do when he is here . There 's some stuff that I don 't do when he is here , cause we will just end up getting in each other 's way . So we have a little bit to eat ( which in fact was even food that he cooked ) , and then he leaves , and I take some time to do a few things on the computer before I get started doing any work . And then my mother calls . Now , I should know better by now . I just cannot talk to my mother one on one . But she calls and asks if maybe I wouldPosted by Well , I had been debating whether or not I should make an appearance at the movie theater that my friends were hanging out at . I wasn 't up for a long drive and being on my feet all night , but just maybe I could go for an hour or two on Saturday , after I had already driven halfway there to get to something else anyway . First thing that I did was email three of my other friends who had not yet made an appearance at the theater . Maybe they would like to go there too . One didn 't even return my email . Another didn 't return my email , but we had already discussed the situation somewhat . Miss Allergies said that she did not want to go to the theater , not even just to see the other people all dressed up and not dress up herself . Going to the theater would interfere with our usual plans for going to dinner . Our usual plans of going to dinner are already interfered with , as some of our friends were already committed to being at the theater all evening anyway . Miss Allergies insisted that people do have to eat , so that maybe they would take a break and go with us . Well , they might , but they aren 't going to drive all the way back and forth from the usual place . Maybe if we pick another restaurant closer to the theater . So we discuss a few places and pick one . The other two guys are easy and will usually go along with where we want to go . Only after we discuss the idea of taking a break with the people who are committed to being at the theater all night , they insist that they really must be at the theater all night , even during the hour and a half between shows when they aren 't really doing much . At that point , Miss Allergies wants to go to the usual place rather than driving all the way to the other restaurant . So I decide if we are not going to the other restaurant I really don 't need to go to dinner . I really do want to hang around at the theater , even if it is just for an hour or so . And hanging around at the theater will only cost me a bit more gas , while going to dinner will cost me more money . If we could have done both that wPosted by Last month at about this time I was getting ready to hang out with my friends . I was working on a new witch hat , which was supposed to be for the Harry Potter premiere , but I had also hoped to wear it that Saturday to show off to my friends while we did this goofy thing at one of our usual get - togethers . I didn 't get finished with the hat and wore one of my old hats that Saturday , still thinking that I would finish the new hat in plenty of time to wear to the Harry Potter premiere . And I asked for details on the Harry Potter premiere , but there didn 't seem to be any solid plans to do anything specific , other than we were committed to being at a particular theater . No one really seemed very interested in getting an early start getting ready for the thing . We went to dinner or something . And that same Saturday , I picked up some DVDs that my friend from the great white north wanted , only he hadn 't seen any , while around here they were for sale at a discount . So I was supposed to buy the DVDs , and then I would send them to him and he would send me the money for the DVDs and the postage . Before sending them on to him , I was going to watch them , in part to make sure that they weren 't damaged , as you can only get refunds or exchanges a week after purchase , and if he found out that they were damaged after I sent them it would be too late to do anything about it . So it is a month later , and I still haven 't sent him the DVDs . I did watch most of them that first week , though to tell the truth the last two disks were more skimmed through than actually watched . They didn 't seem to be damaged , though I did notice that they sometimes didn 't show the main menu when asked . So not so much damage , more of a glitch , and for all I know it has more to do with my VCR than the DVDs themselves . Anyway , it didn 't seem like something that was worth going to exchange for another set , since next set would probably have the same problem ( if in fact there was a problem at all and not just a quirk of my VCR ) , and this set had already been inspectePosted by Not for very long . The power just sort of blinks off once in a while , mostly during storms . Yesterday it blinked off without a storm . No big deal . Except that the clock goes off , and the answering machine goes off . Now , I think that you are supposed to put back - up batteries in the clock and the answering machine , only I keep forgetting to do that . So I have to reset the clock , and the answering machine never has a clue what the date and time actually is . So according to the answering machine my brother left me a message at 2am on Tuesday when it was actually about 6 : 30 pm on Friday . Stuff like that . And the VCR goes off , which isn 't too bad unless I was actually in the process of recording something , which at about lunch time yesterday I was not . I barely even had to fix the clock . And with these new converter boxes on the TV , I have to turn on four remotes instead of just two to get the TV back on . Sometimes the converter boxes have to have the channels reset , but this did not appear to be a problem at lunch time yesterday . Maybe that has to do with the length of time that the power is out , and it was only thirty seconds , so I don 't think anything happened to the boxes , or at least if there are any channels missing I hadn 't noticed them . Another thing that happens when the power blinks off is that the crockpot ( which is usually still plugged in even when it is turned off ) then has a blinking light to tell you that it is now off and that if you were using it ( which most of the time I am not ) you need to turn it back on and such . So if the power goes off , the crockpot will have a little blinking red light , which might go unnoticed for days if I wasn 't actually cooking something in it at the time the power went off . Except that yesterday at about lunch time , I was actually using the crockpot . I was heating milk to make yogurt . Making yogurt is not brain surgery , except that you have to heat the milk to a certain temperature without scalding it , and then bring it back down to a certain temperature before adding yogurt tPosted by I was reading someone else 's blog , how she thinks that she is going to feed her family with her new garden . There 's a picture of her garden , or some of her soon to be garden anyway . If the picture shows most of it , then it probably is a bit smaller than mine . She is proud of how she used recycled stuff to make the path around the garden to save money . But then most of her garden is raised beds , about half made from bricks that must have cost several hundred dollars , and the other half being made from heavy lumber that I do not think they found in the scrap bin . In any case , I am wondering if the garden will feed her family . She is in California , while I am in Texas . Maybe in California they are not having this problem with the bees . Or maybe there is just something about my house in particular that the bees do not like . I saw a bee yesterday , but she was out in the field , not in my yard . A neighbor who usually has a nice garden has mostly given up for the year . Half of his garden has been dug up and made ready for next year . I don 't talk to this particular neighbor , so I don 't know what happened to the other half of his plants . He has left the tomatoes , and the sweet potatoes aren 't ready to be dug up yet , but most everything else is gone . I tried to grow some more beans , but again there were no sprouts . I think that maybe they did sprout , but the pill bugs ate them before I saw them . This is getting annoying , as there are pill bugs everywhere that I did nothing about , as all the books said that they were harmless and only ate dead plants . Now I will have to find a way to protect new plants from them . With all the water I give to the garden plants , the grass around the plants has grown tall . We will have to cut it more often . I wish I had money to cover the rest of the yard with stepping stones and such . Note to self : in the future do not plant turnips and radishes in the same bed . I have trouble telling which is which , and after the rain some of the seeds moved so that they got mixed in together . While I am not gettinPosted by Well , I had my three days alone and ended up not doing much of anything different than I would have done if he had still been here . But I do have a much cleaner dining area , though it still needs some work . I have made enough of a dent in it that I will probably move some more furniture and clean behind that . That is a great bother but it should be done once in a while . I am even thinking that while I am in the mood for it I should try and clean behind the major appliances in the kitchen . In any case I won 't be doing much of that today , but maybe tomorrow . Today we are going to go and have lunch with one of his brothers . That would be fine , except for the reason for the visit . Last week , since the unemployment check still hasn 't arrived and he needed expense money if he was going to go to work , my husband borrowed some money from this brother . So the brother gave him a check , and my husband went to our bank and cashed it and put half in the checking account and half in his pocket . Then he went out of town to work . After that , the brother calls to say that we shouldn 't cash the check . He has the money , but he didn 't put it in the account soon enough to cover the check , so we should wait a couple of days before cashing it . First , if we could have waited a few days , we probably wouldn 't have needed to borrow the money in the first place . So of course we took the check to the bank the day after he wrote it . Second , if he had more money in his pocket than in his account , why didn 't he just loan the cash instead of writing the check ? Okay , so we are going to meet up for lunch so that he can give my husband some cash so we can deposit the cash in the bank to cover the check before the bank finds out that it isn 't good . Recently , we got another account at another bank , so that if this business thing works out my husband would have a different account for that . And that account also comes with another personal account , and that bank is the bank that we have the car loan with . So we thought it would be easier to transfer fundsPosted by Next Wednesday to be exact . There 's a midnight showing on Tuesday , and a sneak preview for some of us either Monday or Tuesday . My friends and I have been planning to go in costume to help promote the movie and our club . It will be like the Star Trek premiere back in May . I 'm not going . Or , at least , I don 't think that I 'm going . I never got around to finishing the new hat , and I didn 't even start on the cape . Not that I don 't have plenty of that stuff already , I just thought that another hat would look better , and that a lighter cape would be cooler and better to wear in July in Texas . But still , I have plenty of other stuff to wear , and most of what we are planning is in the evening and indoors , so it wouldn 't be terribly hot if I decided to wear the old stuff . I just don 't think I 'm going to have any money . The theater is almost an hour away , and would require at least two round trips if I participate at all , and four round trips if I did everything that I had planned . So that would be nearly a tank of gas , and the tank is nearly empty now , and I really don 't have the money to waste on a movie . I would feel really bad about letting everybody down , except , in my opinion I haven 't yet commented to doing the thing anyway . Oh , I 'm sure that everyone knows that I had planned on doing it , but back in May when I wanted to get serious about planning this thing and possibly building some props , no one else much seemed to be interested . After all , they were tired from just doing the Star Trek thing , and Harry Potter was months away . Only now it isn 't months away , it is only days away . They are just now getting around to making a final list of who is going to be there and when , and who needs to bring what , etc . . . . I began to lose interest after no one wanted to do anything in May , and again when not that many people wanted to firm up the plans in June . So now that it is time to do something and it is too late to do anything about it if we don 't have enough props just already in our closets . . . I am thinking that I have more impoPosted by So I had a day by myself . Nothing exciting happened . I didn 't go out and do anything crazy . I didn 't start any new projects . On the other hand , I didn 't feel so bad that I had to spend the day in bed . Next month I will probably not be so lucky , but today was okay . The bad husband didn 't call yesterday . He did check in several times this morning , but I was outside the first couple of times . Nothing exciting happened to him either . Oh , well . fifty bucks is fifty bucks . I 've been having some problems with blogspot lately , so I 'm not even sure if anyone will be able to read this . Just sometimes I go to my blog , and I don 't see the last thing that I posted . But I know that it is there , so if a click a few things I eventually find it . But , of course , I know that it is there to look for it . Other people don 't . So if you don 't see it right away , I assume that you go somewhere else and read someone else 's new post . It 's weird . I am very slowly getting around to cleaning the kitchen and what is supposed to be the dining room . We rarely dine in it . It is usually just full of boxes and other stuff that gets in the way . It usually doesn 't occur to me that this is a problem . When we first got married , we didn 't have a table anyway , and we very quickly got into the habit of eating dinner while watching TV in bed . So what did we need a dining table for ? We have a table now , but I haven 't gotten back into the habit of using it to eat on . So it becomes a place for art projects . Or , at least , it becomes a place for art projects when I have an art project and I don 't have too many boxes in the way . Right now the table is full of canned goods that I am trying to sort through . I 've had some of it a long time . I can 't find dates on some of them . I wonder if some of it isn 't good to eat anymore . Anyway , this is the serious cleaning that involves moving a bit of furniture . I rarely do this at all , and I don 't think that I 've done it this late in the summer before . It is too hot to move furniture . But , at some point I got seriously into moving tPosted by I have three days to myself . It has been a long time . I can 't remember how long it 's been since I 've had a few days to myself . In fact , it has been a while since my husband had any work at all , so I 'm not even sure when I last had even an afternoon to myself . So I am debating should I do anything that I wouldn 't normally do if he were here . Of course , I have no money , so I really shouldn 't do anything . I should stay here and clean house . Now , there are parts of the house that are easier to clean when he is away , so maybe I should do that . But on the other hand , I already started something before he left , and I should finish up with that before moving on to something else . To tell the truth , the timing is bad , and I probably won 't do either . I will probably spend tomorrow or the next day mostly in bed . I hope not , but it is a possibility . And , with the computer all to myself , I 'm going to watch all of the nineties version of Dark Shadows on Hulu . Assuming that I don 't spend most of tomorrow and the next day in bed . And assuming that my mother doesn 't call and ruin my whole weekend . So I 've had this friend for about ten years , and I think that I knew her somewhat even ten years before that . And from stuff that comes up in conversation , I knew that she had gone to college and that she had taken a lot of art classes . And I also knew that she did not make a living as an artist , and nothing had come up in conversation about her once having been able to do that . There were a few different possibilities . She could have been in exactly my situation . She could have started out as an art major and been ordered by her parents to switch to something else . She could have started out an art major and switched to something else on her own . She could have had an minor in art . She could have been an art major and just ran out of money and had to drop out of school . She could have been an art major and had to drop out of school for some other reason , like maybe her health , and then she just never got back to it . She could have been an art major , graduated , and just not been able to make a living as an artist , or found a " real job " that paid more and just gave up on the whole art thing . I got the idea that it was the last one . I wondered how long a person with an art degree tries to actually make a living as an artist before giving up and getting a " real job . " So one day I asked her about it . I kind of got the short version of it . She did graduate as an art major , but she didn 't stay with the painting and the ceramics . Her last year she studied stuff about making film . The specific job she was supposed to get with her degree had to do with lights . So she should be working the lights on some TV show , or making comercials , or maybe even making movies . Only after graduation , you are supposed to apprentice for a year . She didn 't even mention getting paid minimum wage during the apprenticeship . She couldn 't work for free for a year , unless she lived with her parents , and there wasn 't any place to do that where they lived . So she had to get a " real job " . She didn 't give any more details than that . I 'm not exactly sure how shePosted by Okay , it would have been better if I could have thought of something that sounded more like - - I 'm a doctor , not a brick - layer . But I 'm not a doctor or a brick - layer , so this will have to do . Anyway , as I did not do all the cool stuff on the 4th , and in fact I forgot to even go in the backyard to see if the fireworks were visible , I wasn 't doing much that I don 't normally do . I went to my brother 's place where we had some hotdogs and hamburgers , and we ended up talking about dumb stuff for a couple of hours , and then we went home . And then it was the usual stuff that I do around here , watching TV and playing around on the computer , minus stuff like trying to get any work done . And I read a couple of the news stories that pop up when I go to read my email . And while I was doing that , I was invited to take a few quizzes . So I thought that I would see how I 'd do taking the citizenship test . Only , it wasn 't really the citizenship test , cause the real test is longer and doesn 't help you out with multiple choice answers , but those are easier to do for the purpose of taking these little quizzes on the computer . After that I got some questions on recent news stories concerning space and science . Before I took either quiz I expected to do better with the science quiz than the American citizenship stuff . After all , the American citizenship stuff would have been stuff that I might have studied to take tests back in college twenty years ago , and not stuff that I was really that interested in other than to pass those tests . On the other hand , science stuff in the news tends to get my attention . On the citizenship test I scored 85 % . Welcome to America . You know more about the place than most people who live here . I get the openings of the different documents backwards . And I got the number of amendments wrong . And I didn 't know which one was the chief justice of the supreme court . But I knew all that other stuff . Or , at least , I thought I knew all that other stuff or I made a good guess . As for the science quiz , I got a flat zero . It was Posted by I have a garden . I 'm not very good at it . It least , I 'm not very good at it right now . Twelve years ago I was better at it , but then , my husband did more of the work on that one . But I like the idea of it . And I like going out in the morning to see what I might find . Maybe some tomatoes are ready , or a squash , or I might find some beans , or asparagus , or some radishes might be ready . Gardening can be sort of like an Easter egg hunt for adults . Lately I am wishing that I did not use up so much space on the more ornamental stuff . I am not going to eat the elephant ears . I probably won 't eat the pumpkins ( if the plant even produces any fruit , which so far it hasn 't ) . I 'm not overly fond of sweet potatoes , but it will be fall before I can eat those anyway . I 'm getting a few tomatoes . I have yet to see any fruit on my eggplant . Tomorrow or the next day I will pick my second squash . I 've picked a few radishes . I have turnips , but I 'm not really into turnips . I got a few peppers earlier , but right now it is really too hot for the plants to produce much . I got a few beans , but those were just some that I planted as an experiment . The beans I really wanted to eat didn 't even sprout . I got lots of asparagus earlier , but that is mostly done until next year , and I miss it . As I am trying not to spend any money , I am really missing it . There was this thing called eating down the fridge . You try not to buy any food for a certain amount of time and see what you can make from stuff in the freezer and pantry . So I had thought that I would have done that for fun with some other bloggers if I had heard about it in time . Now it feels like I 'm doing that for real . I can 't go out to dinner , and I 'm trying not to go to the grocery store much either . I can 't buy any non - essentials , and I can 't waste gas going out if I forgot to get something . So I 'll be looking at what I can make for dinner and thinking that the stir - fry would be better with water chestnuts , but I only have a few left , and I should save them until I run out of the other stuff . Posted by I have recently had a discussion with someone who didn 't get it that a Monday thru Friday 9 - 5 job was a luxury . Somehow that wasn 't a luxury because he " worked his ass off " to get it . Well , you are supposed to earn your luxuries , aren 't you ? If you want something , you aren 't supposed to just wait around for someone to give it to you . Just because you worked for something doesn 't mean it isn 't a luxury . After a bit of argument on the subject , I was told that my conversation was no longer welcome . Fine . Anyway , that discussion and the current economic situation has had me thinking about luxuries . It occurs to me that a lot of things that I have just taken for granted are luxuries , and that there are things that we have earned that are luxuries , even though they have become such common place things that we tend to not think of them of luxuries anymore . But really , they are not necessities , so they are luxuries . The TV , the phone , and now the computer are things that I have had for so long that I would have trouble living without . And at some point , I earned them . I wonder if at some point I might not have them . It now occurs to me that I have some luxuries that I didn 't earn . I live in this time and place totally by accident . I am lucky that do not live in the past or some other country where I couldn 't have these things . So while I am forcing myself to drink two liters of water per day , it occurs to me that I have the luxury of tap water . And that isn 't something that I earned , I just have it . While having safe water is a necessity , having pipes bring it right to the house ( and usually even to the particular room that I need the water ) is actually a luxury . It just happens to be a luxury that I 've never done without . But there are still millions of people who don 't have it . They have to go to a lake or a stream or a well , and they have to take several gallons of water from the water source to their homes . And then after that they might have to boil it or do something else to it before it is safe to use . I don 't even have Posted by Okay , the first thing that happened yesterday was that I noticed Hulu has the third season of Sliders . I used to really love Sliders , but I didn 't get to see it much after it switched to cable . So now they have the third season , which is mostly stuff that I haven 't seen since it was originally on like ten years ago , and maybe soon they will have the stuff that I never saw on cable . So that was nice . I was just hoping that wasn 't the end of my good luck for the day . My husband had a meeting with someone about the planned business thing . It was all very exciting . He printed out a lot of stuff and put on a tie and went off to meet someone who might hire them for their first account . And then he locked me out of the house , which I have already written about . My husband 's meeting seemed to go okay . We 'll just have to wait and see . He was only supposed to do this thing on Sundays and maybe Mondays , so that he and the other guy wouldn 't have to take time off from their regular jobs . Only , with the way things have been , there hasn 't been any work at their regular jobs . So this woman he spoke to talked him into working for her on two Saturdays instead of two Sundays , which means that he will have to ask for time off . And if you can 't work on Saturday then they probably won 't schedule any work for the rest of the week either . So he has basically asked off for two weeks , and he 's not even sure that they will make any money . Still , it is a bit exciting that he will finally get this thing going in August . So after getting a little bit of work done and making lunch and then washing dishes and such , I watched a couple of the Slider episodes . And then my husband comes in with the mail , and there is this odd package for me . He said that it felt like asparagus plants . Did I order any asparagus plants ? No , I did not order any asparagus plants . It is too late in the year to order asparagus plants . And I don 't remember ordering any plants . In fact the only thing that I remember ordering for a while in the Star Trek t - shirts , but they are sPosted by Seriously . He was going out to the car , and for some reason , he hit the lock on the front door , and I didn 't see him do it . And I followed him out to the car , and I wished him luck and all of that , and he got in the car and started the engine . And I get to the front door just as it is closing . And it 's locked . Crap . So I yell at him , and he doesn 't hear me , and he drives to the stop sign . And I yell at him and run after the car a bit , and he still doesn 't hear me . He drives away . Crap . Okay , so I 'm wearing what rather looks like pajamas ( not even matching pajamas ) , and since the pants don 't have pockets I don 't have my keys to get in . And I don 't have my cell phone , and I don 't even have a bottle of water . Crap . I 'm locked out of my house , in the summer , in Texas , with no cell phone and no water . After a few minutes I stop and think that isn 't exactly true . I do at least have water . I can at least get water out of the garden hose . It is very unlikely that I 'm going to die of thirst . I can probably just wait for him to get back . I don 't really want to walk to the office to get someone to unlock the door for me . I think that there 's a fee for doing that if it isn 't a emergency . This probably doesn 't count as an emergency . Besides , I don 't want anyone to see me in these things that look like pajamas , that don 't match , and that are starting to rip near the waist . I can just sit here and wait for him to get back . He will probably be gone about an hour , maybe an hour and a half . Maybe two hours if he goes to get something for lunch on the way home . I think that I should try waiting an hour , maybe an hour and a half before I panic and ask someone for help . Cause I really don 't want to walk to the office looking like this , and I don 't have any money to pay if they decide this is a non - emergency service call . I 'm not wearing a watch . I don 't have my cell phone . And I 'm certainly not sitting in front of a computer . How am I supposed to know when an hour has past ? Crap . Okay , if I just sit in the shade and do nothing , I won 't get too hotPosted by The second time that I went back to school I had to take a speech class . I hadn 't taken it the first time around because despite being told that speech was a requirement of all degree plans I found out that it wasn 't a requirement of my first choice major . And I really didn 't like talking in front of people , so I didn 't take it . Okay , so it 's back to school to take a few things . And the class itself turned out to be a lot of fun . It was just those two speeches that we had to give that made me very nervous , and the grades that you got from those two speeches made up like half the grade for the whole class . The first speech could about anything you wanted . My first speech was about dogs . And it was okay , and I got a good grade , and that made me less nervous about doing the second speech . The second speech could also be on a variety of subjects , but the second speech had to be an argumentative speech . Right now , I can 't even remember what my second speech was about . I put so much work into it , and now I don 't even remember it . The other students argued for or against abortion , for or against legalizing marijuana , changing the drinking age , etc . . . . A few of the students had other ideas . And then this guy stood up to argue against studying to be an architect . And it seemed like the silliest thing to have an argumentative speech about . Except that when he spoke his voice contained somewhat restrained . . . something . I don 't know what to call it . Anger . Venom . Disgust . I don 't know . Something unpleasant anyway . First he spoke about the initial bit of going to college ( which I can 't remember if he said he 'd done four years or six years ) , of the time involved , and the money involved , etc . . . And then he spoke of how it was a very specific course of study good for becoming an architect and pretty much only for becoming an architect . If you study to become an architect and do not actually become an architect , you 've wasted many years of your life , while if you pick a different major and end up not getting the job that was your first chPosted by I am an artist , but not a professional . I love Star Trek . I would probably still marry Mr . Spock if I were available . I will probably write the geat American novel someday , but it will probably not be published . |
This blog was started to make fun of the Homewrecking - Slut . I don 't talk about her much anymore . I do other things with the blog now , but for the most part it 's sort of a diary . So if you don 't care what I had for lunch , and the current post doesn 't interest you , maybe you should check out something in the popular posts section . I may have mentioned that I am not so much what you would call a girly girl . Not that I was ever really called a tomboy either . I didn 't like sports enough to be called that . And I am way to old to be called a tomboy now . But , still , compared to the rest of my sex , I don 't spend a lot of time shopping for clothes or looking in the mirror or getting my nails done , etc . . . . At some point , I decided that carrying a purse was too annoying for everyday use . My keys and ID and money could go in my pockets , along with maybe some lip balm , and I was good to go . This did not please my mother , as she could see all this stuff in my pockets , and it did not look lady - like or something . But I find that carrying around a purse is annoying , besides the fact that I might forget and leave my purse somewhere , and a couple of times that I 've had my purse stolen . So most of the time I would rather do without one , unless I am trying especially hard to look nice , or I need some stuff that I don 't want to carry around in my pockets like a brush and a bunch of medications and extra cosmetics . So it is sometimes necessary to carry a purse , and I do have one or two . I 'm just not often seen carrying them around . A couple months back I found a purse at a Goodwill . It was black and it had dark purple or plum flowers glued to the top . In my opinion , this was rather tacky . I thought that it would look good with a Harry Potter costume , as at some point I hope to have a hat with black or dark purple flowers on it , and the purse would match the hat , sort of . I had a look at the purse and found that it was in good shape and had a magnetic clasp . So it wasn 't an old purse . It was four dollars , and I decided to buy it . A bit more than a month ago , I was going to wear some of a witch costume to a Star Trek club meeting . I didn 't want to wear the costume all day , as it was rather warm . So I took the costume to change into . And as long as I would eventually be in the costume , I thought that I might as well take the purse too , even though I did not yet have a Posted by At first I thought that I would go with him . It was just one day out of town to no place special . But I haven 't been away for a very long time , and I thought that maybe just the one day would be nice . And one day away wouldn 't hurt the plants or anything . A week away would be bad for the plants , cause I really cannot trust anyone to come and water them . Unless it is raining already , and then I have to worry about the house flooding . Not that the house might not flood if I stay , but at least I would be there to make sure that the pump is working properly ( once it wasn 't even plugging in ) . So I don 't even think that three days in Waco is a good idea for me , but one day in the middle of nowhere might have been okay . On closer inspection , we decided that it would be best if I didn 't go . In fact , it would probably be best if he didn 't get a room at all and just came back home that night . The place where he would have gotten the room was about two hours away , but the place he would actually do the work was just a little bit closer , and while I would rather not make that drive at night after working all day , he has done worse . And we are very short on cash now , even for motel rooms that they eventually pay him back for . We have to actually have the cash first before we can spend it on stuff that they pay back . So I had been looking forward to getting out of the house for a day , but gave up on the idea . Then I got over it and starting looking forward to having the house to myself for twelve hours or so . I could sort through some clothes or do other work that I don 't usually do when he is here . There 's some stuff that I don 't do when he is here , cause we will just end up getting in each other 's way . So we have a little bit to eat ( which in fact was even food that he cooked ) , and then he leaves , and I take some time to do a few things on the computer before I get started doing any work . And then my mother calls . Now , I should know better by now . I just cannot talk to my mother one on one . But she calls and asks if maybe I wouldPosted by Well , I had been debating whether or not I should make an appearance at the movie theater that my friends were hanging out at . I wasn 't up for a long drive and being on my feet all night , but just maybe I could go for an hour or two on Saturday , after I had already driven halfway there to get to something else anyway . First thing that I did was email three of my other friends who had not yet made an appearance at the theater . Maybe they would like to go there too . One didn 't even return my email . Another didn 't return my email , but we had already discussed the situation somewhat . Miss Allergies said that she did not want to go to the theater , not even just to see the other people all dressed up and not dress up herself . Going to the theater would interfere with our usual plans for going to dinner . Our usual plans of going to dinner are already interfered with , as some of our friends were already committed to being at the theater all evening anyway . Miss Allergies insisted that people do have to eat , so that maybe they would take a break and go with us . Well , they might , but they aren 't going to drive all the way back and forth from the usual place . Maybe if we pick another restaurant closer to the theater . So we discuss a few places and pick one . The other two guys are easy and will usually go along with where we want to go . Only after we discuss the idea of taking a break with the people who are committed to being at the theater all night , they insist that they really must be at the theater all night , even during the hour and a half between shows when they aren 't really doing much . At that point , Miss Allergies wants to go to the usual place rather than driving all the way to the other restaurant . So I decide if we are not going to the other restaurant I really don 't need to go to dinner . I really do want to hang around at the theater , even if it is just for an hour or so . And hanging around at the theater will only cost me a bit more gas , while going to dinner will cost me more money . If we could have done both that wPosted by Last month at about this time I was getting ready to hang out with my friends . I was working on a new witch hat , which was supposed to be for the Harry Potter premiere , but I had also hoped to wear it that Saturday to show off to my friends while we did this goofy thing at one of our usual get - togethers . I didn 't get finished with the hat and wore one of my old hats that Saturday , still thinking that I would finish the new hat in plenty of time to wear to the Harry Potter premiere . And I asked for details on the Harry Potter premiere , but there didn 't seem to be any solid plans to do anything specific , other than we were committed to being at a particular theater . No one really seemed very interested in getting an early start getting ready for the thing . We went to dinner or something . And that same Saturday , I picked up some DVDs that my friend from the great white north wanted , only he hadn 't seen any , while around here they were for sale at a discount . So I was supposed to buy the DVDs , and then I would send them to him and he would send me the money for the DVDs and the postage . Before sending them on to him , I was going to watch them , in part to make sure that they weren 't damaged , as you can only get refunds or exchanges a week after purchase , and if he found out that they were damaged after I sent them it would be too late to do anything about it . So it is a month later , and I still haven 't sent him the DVDs . I did watch most of them that first week , though to tell the truth the last two disks were more skimmed through than actually watched . They didn 't seem to be damaged , though I did notice that they sometimes didn 't show the main menu when asked . So not so much damage , more of a glitch , and for all I know it has more to do with my VCR than the DVDs themselves . Anyway , it didn 't seem like something that was worth going to exchange for another set , since next set would probably have the same problem ( if in fact there was a problem at all and not just a quirk of my VCR ) , and this set had already been inspectePosted by Not for very long . The power just sort of blinks off once in a while , mostly during storms . Yesterday it blinked off without a storm . No big deal . Except that the clock goes off , and the answering machine goes off . Now , I think that you are supposed to put back - up batteries in the clock and the answering machine , only I keep forgetting to do that . So I have to reset the clock , and the answering machine never has a clue what the date and time actually is . So according to the answering machine my brother left me a message at 2am on Tuesday when it was actually about 6 : 30 pm on Friday . Stuff like that . And the VCR goes off , which isn 't too bad unless I was actually in the process of recording something , which at about lunch time yesterday I was not . I barely even had to fix the clock . And with these new converter boxes on the TV , I have to turn on four remotes instead of just two to get the TV back on . Sometimes the converter boxes have to have the channels reset , but this did not appear to be a problem at lunch time yesterday . Maybe that has to do with the length of time that the power is out , and it was only thirty seconds , so I don 't think anything happened to the boxes , or at least if there are any channels missing I hadn 't noticed them . Another thing that happens when the power blinks off is that the crockpot ( which is usually still plugged in even when it is turned off ) then has a blinking light to tell you that it is now off and that if you were using it ( which most of the time I am not ) you need to turn it back on and such . So if the power goes off , the crockpot will have a little blinking red light , which might go unnoticed for days if I wasn 't actually cooking something in it at the time the power went off . Except that yesterday at about lunch time , I was actually using the crockpot . I was heating milk to make yogurt . Making yogurt is not brain surgery , except that you have to heat the milk to a certain temperature without scalding it , and then bring it back down to a certain temperature before adding yogurt tPosted by I was reading someone else 's blog , how she thinks that she is going to feed her family with her new garden . There 's a picture of her garden , or some of her soon to be garden anyway . If the picture shows most of it , then it probably is a bit smaller than mine . She is proud of how she used recycled stuff to make the path around the garden to save money . But then most of her garden is raised beds , about half made from bricks that must have cost several hundred dollars , and the other half being made from heavy lumber that I do not think they found in the scrap bin . In any case , I am wondering if the garden will feed her family . She is in California , while I am in Texas . Maybe in California they are not having this problem with the bees . Or maybe there is just something about my house in particular that the bees do not like . I saw a bee yesterday , but she was out in the field , not in my yard . A neighbor who usually has a nice garden has mostly given up for the year . Half of his garden has been dug up and made ready for next year . I don 't talk to this particular neighbor , so I don 't know what happened to the other half of his plants . He has left the tomatoes , and the sweet potatoes aren 't ready to be dug up yet , but most everything else is gone . I tried to grow some more beans , but again there were no sprouts . I think that maybe they did sprout , but the pill bugs ate them before I saw them . This is getting annoying , as there are pill bugs everywhere that I did nothing about , as all the books said that they were harmless and only ate dead plants . Now I will have to find a way to protect new plants from them . With all the water I give to the garden plants , the grass around the plants has grown tall . We will have to cut it more often . I wish I had money to cover the rest of the yard with stepping stones and such . Note to self : in the future do not plant turnips and radishes in the same bed . I have trouble telling which is which , and after the rain some of the seeds moved so that they got mixed in together . While I am not gettinPosted by Well , I had my three days alone and ended up not doing much of anything different than I would have done if he had still been here . But I do have a much cleaner dining area , though it still needs some work . I have made enough of a dent in it that I will probably move some more furniture and clean behind that . That is a great bother but it should be done once in a while . I am even thinking that while I am in the mood for it I should try and clean behind the major appliances in the kitchen . In any case I won 't be doing much of that today , but maybe tomorrow . Today we are going to go and have lunch with one of his brothers . That would be fine , except for the reason for the visit . Last week , since the unemployment check still hasn 't arrived and he needed expense money if he was going to go to work , my husband borrowed some money from this brother . So the brother gave him a check , and my husband went to our bank and cashed it and put half in the checking account and half in his pocket . Then he went out of town to work . After that , the brother calls to say that we shouldn 't cash the check . He has the money , but he didn 't put it in the account soon enough to cover the check , so we should wait a couple of days before cashing it . First , if we could have waited a few days , we probably wouldn 't have needed to borrow the money in the first place . So of course we took the check to the bank the day after he wrote it . Second , if he had more money in his pocket than in his account , why didn 't he just loan the cash instead of writing the check ? Okay , so we are going to meet up for lunch so that he can give my husband some cash so we can deposit the cash in the bank to cover the check before the bank finds out that it isn 't good . Recently , we got another account at another bank , so that if this business thing works out my husband would have a different account for that . And that account also comes with another personal account , and that bank is the bank that we have the car loan with . So we thought it would be easier to transfer fundsPosted by Next Wednesday to be exact . There 's a midnight showing on Tuesday , and a sneak preview for some of us either Monday or Tuesday . My friends and I have been planning to go in costume to help promote the movie and our club . It will be like the Star Trek premiere back in May . I 'm not going . Or , at least , I don 't think that I 'm going . I never got around to finishing the new hat , and I didn 't even start on the cape . Not that I don 't have plenty of that stuff already , I just thought that another hat would look better , and that a lighter cape would be cooler and better to wear in July in Texas . But still , I have plenty of other stuff to wear , and most of what we are planning is in the evening and indoors , so it wouldn 't be terribly hot if I decided to wear the old stuff . I just don 't think I 'm going to have any money . The theater is almost an hour away , and would require at least two round trips if I participate at all , and four round trips if I did everything that I had planned . So that would be nearly a tank of gas , and the tank is nearly empty now , and I really don 't have the money to waste on a movie . I would feel really bad about letting everybody down , except , in my opinion I haven 't yet commented to doing the thing anyway . Oh , I 'm sure that everyone knows that I had planned on doing it , but back in May when I wanted to get serious about planning this thing and possibly building some props , no one else much seemed to be interested . After all , they were tired from just doing the Star Trek thing , and Harry Potter was months away . Only now it isn 't months away , it is only days away . They are just now getting around to making a final list of who is going to be there and when , and who needs to bring what , etc . . . . I began to lose interest after no one wanted to do anything in May , and again when not that many people wanted to firm up the plans in June . So now that it is time to do something and it is too late to do anything about it if we don 't have enough props just already in our closets . . . I am thinking that I have more impoPosted by So I had a day by myself . Nothing exciting happened . I didn 't go out and do anything crazy . I didn 't start any new projects . On the other hand , I didn 't feel so bad that I had to spend the day in bed . Next month I will probably not be so lucky , but today was okay . The bad husband didn 't call yesterday . He did check in several times this morning , but I was outside the first couple of times . Nothing exciting happened to him either . Oh , well . fifty bucks is fifty bucks . I 've been having some problems with blogspot lately , so I 'm not even sure if anyone will be able to read this . Just sometimes I go to my blog , and I don 't see the last thing that I posted . But I know that it is there , so if a click a few things I eventually find it . But , of course , I know that it is there to look for it . Other people don 't . So if you don 't see it right away , I assume that you go somewhere else and read someone else 's new post . It 's weird . I am very slowly getting around to cleaning the kitchen and what is supposed to be the dining room . We rarely dine in it . It is usually just full of boxes and other stuff that gets in the way . It usually doesn 't occur to me that this is a problem . When we first got married , we didn 't have a table anyway , and we very quickly got into the habit of eating dinner while watching TV in bed . So what did we need a dining table for ? We have a table now , but I haven 't gotten back into the habit of using it to eat on . So it becomes a place for art projects . Or , at least , it becomes a place for art projects when I have an art project and I don 't have too many boxes in the way . Right now the table is full of canned goods that I am trying to sort through . I 've had some of it a long time . I can 't find dates on some of them . I wonder if some of it isn 't good to eat anymore . Anyway , this is the serious cleaning that involves moving a bit of furniture . I rarely do this at all , and I don 't think that I 've done it this late in the summer before . It is too hot to move furniture . But , at some point I got seriously into moving tPosted by I have three days to myself . It has been a long time . I can 't remember how long it 's been since I 've had a few days to myself . In fact , it has been a while since my husband had any work at all , so I 'm not even sure when I last had even an afternoon to myself . So I am debating should I do anything that I wouldn 't normally do if he were here . Of course , I have no money , so I really shouldn 't do anything . I should stay here and clean house . Now , there are parts of the house that are easier to clean when he is away , so maybe I should do that . But on the other hand , I already started something before he left , and I should finish up with that before moving on to something else . To tell the truth , the timing is bad , and I probably won 't do either . I will probably spend tomorrow or the next day mostly in bed . I hope not , but it is a possibility . And , with the computer all to myself , I 'm going to watch all of the nineties version of Dark Shadows on Hulu . Assuming that I don 't spend most of tomorrow and the next day in bed . And assuming that my mother doesn 't call and ruin my whole weekend . So I 've had this friend for about ten years , and I think that I knew her somewhat even ten years before that . And from stuff that comes up in conversation , I knew that she had gone to college and that she had taken a lot of art classes . And I also knew that she did not make a living as an artist , and nothing had come up in conversation about her once having been able to do that . There were a few different possibilities . She could have been in exactly my situation . She could have started out as an art major and been ordered by her parents to switch to something else . She could have started out an art major and switched to something else on her own . She could have had an minor in art . She could have been an art major and just ran out of money and had to drop out of school . She could have been an art major and had to drop out of school for some other reason , like maybe her health , and then she just never got back to it . She could have been an art major , graduated , and just not been able to make a living as an artist , or found a " real job " that paid more and just gave up on the whole art thing . I got the idea that it was the last one . I wondered how long a person with an art degree tries to actually make a living as an artist before giving up and getting a " real job . " So one day I asked her about it . I kind of got the short version of it . She did graduate as an art major , but she didn 't stay with the painting and the ceramics . Her last year she studied stuff about making film . The specific job she was supposed to get with her degree had to do with lights . So she should be working the lights on some TV show , or making comercials , or maybe even making movies . Only after graduation , you are supposed to apprentice for a year . She didn 't even mention getting paid minimum wage during the apprenticeship . She couldn 't work for free for a year , unless she lived with her parents , and there wasn 't any place to do that where they lived . So she had to get a " real job " . She didn 't give any more details than that . I 'm not exactly sure how shePosted by Okay , it would have been better if I could have thought of something that sounded more like - - I 'm a doctor , not a brick - layer . But I 'm not a doctor or a brick - layer , so this will have to do . Anyway , as I did not do all the cool stuff on the 4th , and in fact I forgot to even go in the backyard to see if the fireworks were visible , I wasn 't doing much that I don 't normally do . I went to my brother 's place where we had some hotdogs and hamburgers , and we ended up talking about dumb stuff for a couple of hours , and then we went home . And then it was the usual stuff that I do around here , watching TV and playing around on the computer , minus stuff like trying to get any work done . And I read a couple of the news stories that pop up when I go to read my email . And while I was doing that , I was invited to take a few quizzes . So I thought that I would see how I 'd do taking the citizenship test . Only , it wasn 't really the citizenship test , cause the real test is longer and doesn 't help you out with multiple choice answers , but those are easier to do for the purpose of taking these little quizzes on the computer . After that I got some questions on recent news stories concerning space and science . Before I took either quiz I expected to do better with the science quiz than the American citizenship stuff . After all , the American citizenship stuff would have been stuff that I might have studied to take tests back in college twenty years ago , and not stuff that I was really that interested in other than to pass those tests . On the other hand , science stuff in the news tends to get my attention . On the citizenship test I scored 85 % . Welcome to America . You know more about the place than most people who live here . I get the openings of the different documents backwards . And I got the number of amendments wrong . And I didn 't know which one was the chief justice of the supreme court . But I knew all that other stuff . Or , at least , I thought I knew all that other stuff or I made a good guess . As for the science quiz , I got a flat zero . It was Posted by I have a garden . I 'm not very good at it . It least , I 'm not very good at it right now . Twelve years ago I was better at it , but then , my husband did more of the work on that one . But I like the idea of it . And I like going out in the morning to see what I might find . Maybe some tomatoes are ready , or a squash , or I might find some beans , or asparagus , or some radishes might be ready . Gardening can be sort of like an Easter egg hunt for adults . Lately I am wishing that I did not use up so much space on the more ornamental stuff . I am not going to eat the elephant ears . I probably won 't eat the pumpkins ( if the plant even produces any fruit , which so far it hasn 't ) . I 'm not overly fond of sweet potatoes , but it will be fall before I can eat those anyway . I 'm getting a few tomatoes . I have yet to see any fruit on my eggplant . Tomorrow or the next day I will pick my second squash . I 've picked a few radishes . I have turnips , but I 'm not really into turnips . I got a few peppers earlier , but right now it is really too hot for the plants to produce much . I got a few beans , but those were just some that I planted as an experiment . The beans I really wanted to eat didn 't even sprout . I got lots of asparagus earlier , but that is mostly done until next year , and I miss it . As I am trying not to spend any money , I am really missing it . There was this thing called eating down the fridge . You try not to buy any food for a certain amount of time and see what you can make from stuff in the freezer and pantry . So I had thought that I would have done that for fun with some other bloggers if I had heard about it in time . Now it feels like I 'm doing that for real . I can 't go out to dinner , and I 'm trying not to go to the grocery store much either . I can 't buy any non - essentials , and I can 't waste gas going out if I forgot to get something . So I 'll be looking at what I can make for dinner and thinking that the stir - fry would be better with water chestnuts , but I only have a few left , and I should save them until I run out of the other stuff . Posted by I have recently had a discussion with someone who didn 't get it that a Monday thru Friday 9 - 5 job was a luxury . Somehow that wasn 't a luxury because he " worked his ass off " to get it . Well , you are supposed to earn your luxuries , aren 't you ? If you want something , you aren 't supposed to just wait around for someone to give it to you . Just because you worked for something doesn 't mean it isn 't a luxury . After a bit of argument on the subject , I was told that my conversation was no longer welcome . Fine . Anyway , that discussion and the current economic situation has had me thinking about luxuries . It occurs to me that a lot of things that I have just taken for granted are luxuries , and that there are things that we have earned that are luxuries , even though they have become such common place things that we tend to not think of them of luxuries anymore . But really , they are not necessities , so they are luxuries . The TV , the phone , and now the computer are things that I have had for so long that I would have trouble living without . And at some point , I earned them . I wonder if at some point I might not have them . It now occurs to me that I have some luxuries that I didn 't earn . I live in this time and place totally by accident . I am lucky that do not live in the past or some other country where I couldn 't have these things . So while I am forcing myself to drink two liters of water per day , it occurs to me that I have the luxury of tap water . And that isn 't something that I earned , I just have it . While having safe water is a necessity , having pipes bring it right to the house ( and usually even to the particular room that I need the water ) is actually a luxury . It just happens to be a luxury that I 've never done without . But there are still millions of people who don 't have it . They have to go to a lake or a stream or a well , and they have to take several gallons of water from the water source to their homes . And then after that they might have to boil it or do something else to it before it is safe to use . I don 't even have Posted by Okay , the first thing that happened yesterday was that I noticed Hulu has the third season of Sliders . I used to really love Sliders , but I didn 't get to see it much after it switched to cable . So now they have the third season , which is mostly stuff that I haven 't seen since it was originally on like ten years ago , and maybe soon they will have the stuff that I never saw on cable . So that was nice . I was just hoping that wasn 't the end of my good luck for the day . My husband had a meeting with someone about the planned business thing . It was all very exciting . He printed out a lot of stuff and put on a tie and went off to meet someone who might hire them for their first account . And then he locked me out of the house , which I have already written about . My husband 's meeting seemed to go okay . We 'll just have to wait and see . He was only supposed to do this thing on Sundays and maybe Mondays , so that he and the other guy wouldn 't have to take time off from their regular jobs . Only , with the way things have been , there hasn 't been any work at their regular jobs . So this woman he spoke to talked him into working for her on two Saturdays instead of two Sundays , which means that he will have to ask for time off . And if you can 't work on Saturday then they probably won 't schedule any work for the rest of the week either . So he has basically asked off for two weeks , and he 's not even sure that they will make any money . Still , it is a bit exciting that he will finally get this thing going in August . So after getting a little bit of work done and making lunch and then washing dishes and such , I watched a couple of the Slider episodes . And then my husband comes in with the mail , and there is this odd package for me . He said that it felt like asparagus plants . Did I order any asparagus plants ? No , I did not order any asparagus plants . It is too late in the year to order asparagus plants . And I don 't remember ordering any plants . In fact the only thing that I remember ordering for a while in the Star Trek t - shirts , but they are sPosted by Seriously . He was going out to the car , and for some reason , he hit the lock on the front door , and I didn 't see him do it . And I followed him out to the car , and I wished him luck and all of that , and he got in the car and started the engine . And I get to the front door just as it is closing . And it 's locked . Crap . So I yell at him , and he doesn 't hear me , and he drives to the stop sign . And I yell at him and run after the car a bit , and he still doesn 't hear me . He drives away . Crap . Okay , so I 'm wearing what rather looks like pajamas ( not even matching pajamas ) , and since the pants don 't have pockets I don 't have my keys to get in . And I don 't have my cell phone , and I don 't even have a bottle of water . Crap . I 'm locked out of my house , in the summer , in Texas , with no cell phone and no water . After a few minutes I stop and think that isn 't exactly true . I do at least have water . I can at least get water out of the garden hose . It is very unlikely that I 'm going to die of thirst . I can probably just wait for him to get back . I don 't really want to walk to the office to get someone to unlock the door for me . I think that there 's a fee for doing that if it isn 't a emergency . This probably doesn 't count as an emergency . Besides , I don 't want anyone to see me in these things that look like pajamas , that don 't match , and that are starting to rip near the waist . I can just sit here and wait for him to get back . He will probably be gone about an hour , maybe an hour and a half . Maybe two hours if he goes to get something for lunch on the way home . I think that I should try waiting an hour , maybe an hour and a half before I panic and ask someone for help . Cause I really don 't want to walk to the office looking like this , and I don 't have any money to pay if they decide this is a non - emergency service call . I 'm not wearing a watch . I don 't have my cell phone . And I 'm certainly not sitting in front of a computer . How am I supposed to know when an hour has past ? Crap . Okay , if I just sit in the shade and do nothing , I won 't get too hotPosted by The second time that I went back to school I had to take a speech class . I hadn 't taken it the first time around because despite being told that speech was a requirement of all degree plans I found out that it wasn 't a requirement of my first choice major . And I really didn 't like talking in front of people , so I didn 't take it . Okay , so it 's back to school to take a few things . And the class itself turned out to be a lot of fun . It was just those two speeches that we had to give that made me very nervous , and the grades that you got from those two speeches made up like half the grade for the whole class . The first speech could about anything you wanted . My first speech was about dogs . And it was okay , and I got a good grade , and that made me less nervous about doing the second speech . The second speech could also be on a variety of subjects , but the second speech had to be an argumentative speech . Right now , I can 't even remember what my second speech was about . I put so much work into it , and now I don 't even remember it . The other students argued for or against abortion , for or against legalizing marijuana , changing the drinking age , etc . . . . A few of the students had other ideas . And then this guy stood up to argue against studying to be an architect . And it seemed like the silliest thing to have an argumentative speech about . Except that when he spoke his voice contained somewhat restrained . . . something . I don 't know what to call it . Anger . Venom . Disgust . I don 't know . Something unpleasant anyway . First he spoke about the initial bit of going to college ( which I can 't remember if he said he 'd done four years or six years ) , of the time involved , and the money involved , etc . . . And then he spoke of how it was a very specific course of study good for becoming an architect and pretty much only for becoming an architect . If you study to become an architect and do not actually become an architect , you 've wasted many years of your life , while if you pick a different major and end up not getting the job that was your first chPosted by I am an artist , but not a professional . I love Star Trek . I would probably still marry Mr . Spock if I were available . I will probably write the geat American novel someday , but it will probably not be published . |
Everyone would like to be happy . And most folks think that being rich would make them happy . They figure money and happiness go together , like a potato and a potato plant , like a tree and its roots . How terribly mistaken they are and how little they understand the essence of human life , even though it 's so obvious in everything we do . The Bible tells us that for those who love God all things thrive , and so it is . Money is always just money , but the human hearts with which it comes into contact are all very different . That is why each combination of heart and money turns out so differently and why money can bring joy or despair according to how the two are combined . God has shown us this as clear as day , but unfortunately human beings rarely see what is most clear and obvious but obscure it instead with their own attempt at wisdom . In the broommaker of Rychiswyl we select , out of the hundreds of examples which illustrate the above - mentioned truth , one which shows a heart to whom money did bring happiness . It is a well - known fact that brooms are desperately needed in our age and have been in fact for a long , long time . Such needs which must be filled daily and weekly are common to all homes , and everywhere there are people who willingly take on the pleasant duty of satisfying these needs . Those who do this kind of work are taken for granted as long as the needs are fulfilled at as low a cost as possible . This was not always the case . It used to be that the broom man , the egg lady , the tuff or sand girl , and so on , were each part of the family , so to speak . It was a solid relationship and the days on which these persons appeared were immutably fixed . According to how high they stood in the family 's graces , something more or less special was given to them each time they came . And if they missed a single day , they would the next time be as apologetic as if they had committed a sin , worrying that their customers would think they weren 't coming anymore and would therefore buy their goods elsewhere . They viewed the houses they served as the stars in their own private sky and did all they could to serve them well . If they gave up the trade or moved on to a better route , they tried their best to pass on their business to one of their children , to a cousin or to someone else . There was a mutual bond of loyalty and trust at work which unfortunately in our cold age , when all family warmth has fled , is becoming looser all the time . Such a friend of the family was the broom man of Rychiswyl who was often to be seen in Bern but who actually enjoyed his greatest prestige and highest favor in Thun . In smaller places all relationships are much more intimate , and individuals are noticed more and are of greater importance . It would have been more likely for a Saturday to be missing from the calendar than for the little broom man not to appear in Thun on a Saturday . He hadn 't always been the little broom man ; for a long time he had been the broom boy , until folks found out that the broom boy had children old enough to be able to help him push his cart . His father had been a soldier and had died young . When the broom man was a lad , his mother had been sickly and although the family had no money , they did not take to the notion of charity . An older sister had left home earlier , barefoot , and had found work with a woman who took pine cones and mill - ground flour to Bern . When she had earned her spurs , that is to say , shoes and stockings , she moved on to become the chicken maid for a tenant farmer who had a good - sized farm near the city . Her mother and brother were proud of her and spoke respectfully of their grand Babeli . Hansli could not leave his mother ; she had to have someone who would help her with the wood for the fire and with other things . They lived off God 's grace and that of good people but had a hard time of it . " I know how you could earn a pretty penny . Start making brooms . There 's enough brushwood in my pasture which otherwise just gets stolen . All I 'd expect in return are a few brooms a year . " " That 's easy enough , " the farmer said , " I 'll teach you . I 've made all the brooms we need myself for many years as well as any broommaker could . The tools don 't amount to much and until you can afford to get your own , you can use mine . " " Don 't scrimp any ; do the job right . You have to earn their trust . Once you have that , you 're sure to be successful , " the farmer reminded him , and Hansli followed his advice . Naturally it went slowly at first , yet Hansli was always able to sell what he had made and as he became more proficient his business picked up . Soon folks were saying that no one made such good brooms as the broom boy from Rychiswyl . The more evident his success became , the more Hansli 's zeal increased . His mother awoke to new life . Now they were home free , she said ; as long as you could earn your daily bread by good honest work then you had good reason to be satisfied , for what more could anyone ask ? She now had enough to eat every day and usually some left over for the next day ; she could even have bread every day if she wanted . Once in a while Hansli even brought her a roll of white bread from town . How she enjoyed that and how she thanked God that he had arranged such a good life for her in her old age . Hansli , however , had for some time been going around with a sour expression on his face . Finally he began to grumble that things couldn 't go on like they had ; he wouldn 't be able to stand it . When the farmer finally asked him what he meant and what the problem was , it came out that Hansli was not able to carry all his brooms . Even having the miller carry them on his wagon , he said , was very inconvenient . He really needed a cart to haul the brooms in ; that would be much easier and he could travel much farther . But he didn 't have the money for one and didn 't know of anyone who would loan him one . " You 're a real numbskull , " said the farmer . " Listen , I don 't want you turning into one of those fools who have to run out and buy whatever pops into his head . If you do that you 'll always be in need of money and always be filling other folks ' pockets . What an idea , you buy a cart ! Make one ! " " Yes , indeed . Make one . You can do it if you want to and if you work at it , " the farmer continued . " You can whittle pretty well and what you don 't know how to do I can show you . The wood won 't cost you much ; what I don 't have , another farmer will and you can pay for it with brooms . For the metal you can use some old iron from someone 's storeroom . We have an old cart around somewhere . We 'll get it out , you can take a good look at it and even use it for the time being if you want . Winter is almost here ; you can start then . By spring the cart will be finished and it won 't have cost you much at all . Maybe you could pay off the blacksmith with brooms or maybe we can even get along without the blacksmith , who knows . " " You numbskull ! " the farmer snapped . " You have to start sometime . If you just go at it with confidence , then the job 's half done . Believe me , if more people had confidence , many a person who 's running around begging now would be sitting on bags of gold , honestly earned . " However , the idea began to take root in Hansli 's mind . Hansli proceeded with the project very gingerly , like a child stepping into cold water . The farmer helped , and by spring the new cart was ready . On the Tuesday after Easter , Hansli pulled it for the first time to Bern and on the following Saturday for the first time to Thun . How proud and how happy Hansli was over his new cart , it would be difficult for anyone to understand . If Hansli had been offered the great Easter Monday steer , which was led around Bern the day before Easter and weighed perhaps 2500 pounds , in exchange for his cart , he would have scornfully rejected the offer . It seemed to him that everyone stopped to admire his cart and wherever he had a chance to stop and chat , he waxed eloquent in his description of the advantages of his cart over all the others there had ever been on the face of the earth . He maintained with grave conviction that it rolled all by itself and that it was only when going uphill that he had to help it along a little . A cook said she would not have believed he was so clever and if she ever needed a cart , he would have to make her one . From then on , this cook , whenever she bought brooms from Hansli , was given two very small whiskbrooms for the oven ; these brooms are very convenient for cooks who like to keep the corners of the oven clean . Those are the same cooks who wash themselves on weekdays and who even wash behind their ears . But there aren 't too many of them around . It was only then that Hansli really started to bestir himself . His cart was his farm and he worked hard but cheerfully , and cheerfulness is something altogether different from peevishness ; they are to one another what a sharp axe is to a dull one when it comes to chopping wood . The farmers in Rychiswyl were very pleased with the lad . There was not a one who did not tell him , " If you need brushwood , go ahead and take it from my pasture , just don 't damage the birches and remember my womenfolk and how fast they go through brooms in a year . " Hansli did remember them , which pleased the farmers ' wives greatly . There was no money to spend on brooms ; the menfolk were supposed to make them . Now everyone knows how that goes , seeing as the men are often too lazy to chop wood , let alone to make brooms . Thus it often happened that the wives became desperately short of brooms , so that the family 's peace was seriously threatened . Now Hansli was there with brooms before they realized it and it happened but rarely that a farmer 's wife had to say , " Hansli , don 't forget about us , we 're on our last one . " In addition the brooms were good , altogether different from those the menfolk slapped together , which came apart or got dull as if they were made of cheap straw . Hansli , of course , gave these brooms away , and yet they were not the least profitable brooms to leave his hands . This was not so much because of the birch twigs he received for nothing , but rather because of the gifts which they brought in throughout the year - - gifts of bread , milk and all sorts of things which a farmer 's wife has on hand and doesn 't keep a strict account of . It was seldom that butter was churned somewhere and he wasn 't told , " Hansli , we 'll be churning butter tomorrow . If you bring a pail , you can have some whey . " He had more fruit than he needed and he scarcely ever had to buy bread . Thus Hansli could not help but do well , for he was economical . If he spent four kreuzer on days when he went into town , that was quite a lot . In the morning his mother saw to it that he had a good breakfast and then he usually took something along with him . Here and there he was given something in a kitchen where he was well known . Finally , he did not think that he had to eat right away whenever he felt like it . Being hungry doesn 't matter , he would say , as long as you know when you 'll be eating ; in fact , it just makes the food taste all the better . But to be hungry and not know whether or not you will ever get anything to eat again , that is painful . Hansli knew that as soon as he got home and put away his things , he could eat as much as he wanted ; his mother saw faithfully to that . She knew what a difference there is between coming home to find something to eat and to find nothing at all . A person who knows that he will find something to eat at home doesn 't stop on the way but brings home an empty stomach instead , and as he fills it he enjoys the comfort of being at home . Those who will find nothing at home fill up somewhere else and bring home a head full of wine , and such men do not enjoy being at home but rather do nothing there but gripe and complain . Hansli was not miserly , but he was thrifty . He didn 't mind spending money on good , useful things . As far as food and clothes were concerned , he wanted his mother to be well off . He bought a good bed and got great pleasure out of buying a sharp , handsome knife or some other tool . Anyone with good eyes can usually tell if a person or a house is on the way up or on the way down . With Hansli it was clear that he was on the way up , although this was not expressed through vanity but rather through cleanliness and care . The farmers derived great pleasure from this and wished Hansli well with all their hearts , for he thrived not through dishonesty , but through hard work . At the same time he did not leave off praying and never made brooms on Sunday . Every Sunday he went to church in the morning and in the afternoon read a chapter from the Bible to his mother , whose eyes were getting bad . Then later he would perhaps indulge in a private pleasure which consisted of taking out his money , counting it , examining it and calculating how much it had increased and how much more it would become , and so on . There were some very nice pieces in the pile , in fact mostly good silver coins . Hansli was an avid trader . He gladly accepted copper coins , but did not hold on to them long ; it always seemed to him the wind could easily come up and blow them away . He took the greatest pleasure in smooth new silver pieces , the handsome Bernese talers with the picture of the bear and the sturdy Swiss soldier . When he could get a hold of one of them it made him happy for days at a time . Yet he had his sorrows too and his bad days . For example , it was a bad day for him when he lost a customer or when he thought he had , and when he had counted on selling a dozen brooms at a house and was turned away with the brusque statement " Already got ours . " A new cook had perhaps arrived on the scene who knew nothing of the well - known broom boy and shouted in her steely voice from the top of the stairs , " Don 't need any . " Now Hansli did not know the real explanation , did not realize that in many places the cooks had to be changed as often as shirts , sometimes even more often . At first he racked his brains trying to figure out what he had done wrong , whether a broom hadn 't been bound properly or whether folks had spread false rumors about him . He took it very much to heart and it even kept him from sleeping . He couldn 't rest till he found out the real reason . Later he took it more matter - of - factly , even when a cook who knew him well chased him away . He realized that cooks were people , too , so to speak , and when the master or mistress snapped at the cook for having peppered the soup or over - salted the sauce , all because her sweetheart had moved to the land where pepper grows , then the cook had her rights too and could snap at others in return . Yet one thing caused him even more painful days and this he could never learn to accept coolly . He knew all his birch trees , and in fact he had his own names for the meadows and even for the individual trees , giving the nicest birches pretty names like Anne Mareili , Liseli , Rosy Aster , and so on . He derived great joy from these trees all year long . He looked forward with great pleasure to gathering their twigs , treating the trees with tenderness and taking these brooms to his best customers . These were true master brooms and deserved this title more than many other brooms . When , however , he joyfully entered a field and found his Rosy or his Aster cruelly hacked and mistreated , then it grieved him so that the tears ran down his cheeks and his blood gradually became so hot from anger that one could have lit matches from it . That made him miserable for days , for he couldn 't get over it . He wanted nothing more than to get his hands on the culprit , not because of the value of the twigs but because of the harm done to his trees . Hansli was not tall , but he knew how to use his strength and his limbs well , and he had a lot of courage . This was the one matter in which he did not obey his mother , when she pleaded with him for God 's sake just to forget it . After all , he had enough twigs , she said , and he shouldn 't try to find those responsible since they could kill him or do something to make his life miserable . But Hansli did not care about that ; he would search and keep watch till he finally caught the culprit . Then it came to blows , and terrible fights took place there in the lonesome meadows . Sometimes Hansli won , sometimes he came home looking dreadful . Yet he gradually succeeded so far as to have his meadows left to himself , such as always happens when something is defended with courageous tenacity . Why should someone expose himself to blows in order to get a hold of something which he can get elsewhere with no danger at all ? Besides , the Rychiswyl farmers took pleasure in their brave little forest ranger and when he was worsted in a fight , one or another of the farmers would say something like this : " It doesn 't matter , he must have his saints on his side . Tell me when you notice something again and I 'll be there , too . Then we 'll cure him of cutting broom twigs once and for all . " Then Hansli told the farmer when he noticed some damage . The farmer hid and Hansli attacked . The enemy , thinking he was the stronger , did not run but waited , thinking to repeat his previous success . Once Hansli had a hold of him , the farmer came out . Then the culprit would gladly have paid to be able to get away , but Hansli would not let loose ; the thief had to stay there and take it until he had his fill of blows and had lost much of the hair on his head . That was an effective weapon against the birch plundering ; Mareili and Bäbeli gradually became fairly safe in their lonely pastures . Hansli went on in this way for many years , which passed in delightful uniformity , and he never thought that things would be any different . A week went by like the second hand on a clock , so that he did not know where the time went . Before he knew it , it was Tuesday , the day he drove to Bern , and scarcely had Tuesday gone by when Saturday was there , the day he had to go to Thun , whether he wanted to or not , for how could they get along in Thun without him ! In between he had his hands full with getting his next load ready and supplying his neighbors , that is to say , those amongst them who found favor in his eyes . Our Hansli was a human being and every human being , if he will only admit it , has his gracious and his ungracious moods . Anyone who had offended Hansli but slightly had a hard time of it trying to get brooms from him . He would not have sold brooms to the pastor 's wife , for instance , for double the money . She could send for brooms whenever she wanted , he was always sorry but he did not have any on hand right then . She had told him once that he used the same trick as all the others , wrapping a few long twigs around the outside and putting nothing but short stumpy twigs in the middle . In that case , he said , it didn 't matter if she got her brooms from him or from someone else . And he stuck by that and the pastor 's wife died without ever having gotten another broom from Hansli . One Tuesday he again pulled his heavily loaded cart to Bern , containing his best brooms , made from his dearest trees , from Rosy , Aster , and so on . He had difficulty in pulling it and perspired heavily . He thought it was strange that his cart did not roll by itself as it had at the beginning ; there must be something wrong somewhere , for it seemed much too difficult to pull . He stopped often in order to catch his breath and wipe the sweat from his brow . If only he were already at the top of the hill , he thought , for that was going to be a difficult climb . With these thoughts he stopped by the Muri Woods , just in front of a bench . On it sat a girl with a bundle beside her . She was crying bitterly . The girl said she had to go into town but dreaded the thought so much that she was tempted not to go . Her father was a shoemaker and had his best customers in town . She had been carrying shoes into town for a long time and hadn 't ever thought twice about it . But now there was a new gendarme in town who was terribly mean . For the past few Tuesdays he had been very nasty to her when she had entered the town gate and had threatened , if she came again , to take the shoes away and put her in jail , for it was forbidden to take shoes into the city to sell . No matter what she said , it was all to no avail . She had pleaded with her father not to send her anymore , but he was as strict as a Prussian . He had said she should just go ahead and if anyone did anything to her they would have to answer to him for it . But what good was that to her ? In the meantime she would be the one to bear the brunt of it all and have the shame of being taken away to jail . Hansli felt a great sympathy for the girl , particularly since she had shown such trust in him and had unburdened her soul to him , which she probably would not have done to just anyone . But she had seen at first glance , he thought , that he wasn 't one of the bad ones but had a kind heart . Oh Hansli , you dear boy ! But , as they say , a trusting soul is a sure road to paradise . " Listen , girl , I know what you can do , " he said , " give me your sack , and I 'll put it in amongst my brooms where no one can see it . I 'm well known and it won 't occur to anybody that your shoes are there with my brooms . You can tell me where to take them or where I should meet you , and then you follow me a long ways off so that no one will think there 's anything going on between us . " At first the girl pushed the cart from behind , but after a little while she moved to the front where she helped Hansli pull . It seemed to her , she said , that it worked better that way . She pulled well , as one can imagine , and yet she still had enough breath left to talk and to give an account by and by of everything that was on her mind or in her heart . They were on top of the highest hill before Hansli realized it ; the long climb seemed to him to have been cut in half . In accordance with their plan the girl remained behind while Hansli pulled his cart with brooms and bundle into the city . His entry had been uncontested and he handed over the bundle to the girl without a hitch . But before they had said anything else to one another , before the girl had thanked him , they were pushed apart by a flood of people , animals and carriages , so that Hansli had to take care that his cart was not knocked to pieces . This , then , was to be the end of their acquaintance . That bothered Hansli somewhat , yet he did not think anymore about it , let alone take it to heart . We unfortunately cannot say that the girl made an indelible impression on him ; it was not in her nature . She was a thick - set girl with a broad face ; her best qualities were a good , true heart and an untiring industry . These qualities , however , did not immediately stand out and besides they are ones to which many people do not attach much importance . As if it were a long - established custom , the girl handed over her bundle to Hansli , who hid it , and , as if it were part of a trade she had learned , the girl went and took the handle of the cart . She had thought , she said , when she was already on her way that she should have brought a rope along that they could have tied to the cart ; she could be of more help then . The next time she came , however , she wouldn 't forget it . This alliance for mutual aid was effected without lengthy diplomatic negotiations ; in fact , it could not have come about any simpler . This time it turned out that they both left town at the same time and headed home together , as far as their paths coincided . Yet they were clever enough not to let the gendarme see them together at the gate . Hansli 's mother had become very pleased with her son . He seemed to her to have gotten very cheerful , she said ; he could whistle or sing the whole blessed day long and he was always so clean and nicely dressed that it was marvelous to see . He had recently had a half - linen coat made and he looked almost as fine in it as the governor himself . She didn 't begrudge him that at all , for he was so good to her ; she hoped that the dear Lord would repay him in heaven , for she could do nothing but include him in her prayers . It wasn 't that he spent all his money on his appearance either , he had plenty left over . She thought for certain that if God granted him a long life and continued prosperity he 'd rise so far as to own a cow . He had been talking for a long time about getting a goat , but she wouldn 't be around when that happened , and besides it wasn 't that she had her heart set on it that much and that she thought it just had to be . " I believe it , " his mother said , " but why do you keep taking more and more brooms every week ? It makes me shudder to see it , ' cause all that strain will bring you misery in your old age . But you can solve that problem easy enough , just load three or four dozen fewer . Then you can pull it as easily as before . ' ' " But , Mother , I can 't do that , " said Hansli . " I hardly take enough as it is and I don 't have time to go twice a week . I don 't want to give up Thun , for I 've got my best customers there . " " Well , Hansli , what about getting a little donkey ? I 've often heard what marvelous animals they are . They cost next to nothing , don 't eat much and are satisfied with just about anything they get , yet they can pull as well as a horse , and you can even use their milk - - not that I 'd want it , but so people say . " " No , Mother , " Hansli said , " they are supposed to be so stubborn that you often can 't get them to move . And what would I do with it the other five days ? No , but I was thinking , Mother , of getting a wife . What do you say to that ? " " Well , Mother , there 's a girl who 's often helped me pull the cart , " answered Hansli , " and she would work out fine in other ways , too . But I don 't know whether she 'd marry me ; I haven 't asked her . I thought I should talk to you first . " " Why , you rascal ! Who would have thought it ! No , really , I don 't know what the world is coming to , " his mother cried out . " So that 's what you 've turned out to be , is it ? I never would have believed this , even if God himself had told me . What ! A girl has been helping you pull the cart and you asked her and arranged it all ? My God , I 'll never trust another soul as long as I live . " At that Hansli told her the whole story , how they had met by chance and how she was a girl just right for him , as punctual as a clock , not vain or wasteful , and he 'd wager she could pull as well as a mid - sized cow . He hadn 't talked to her about it , but he thought she wasn 't altogether disinclined towards him . She had often said that she was in no special hurry to marry but that if she could marry and be better off than she was , then she wouldn 't hesitate because that would give her a real purpose in life . Her younger brothers and sisters were growing up , and she knew how that went , namely that the younger ones are always favored over the older ones , and the older ones are never thanked for having to take care of their siblings . This did not sound unpromising to his mother , and the more she got over the unexpectedness of it and thought it over , the better she liked the idea . She sent after information about the girl and heard that nothing bad was known about her ; in fact , folks said that she helped her parents quite a bit around the house . They also said , however , that a fellow wouldn 't get rich marrying into her family . Well , so much the better , Hansli 's mother thought , then neither will have reason to reproach the other for being poor . While Hansli was loading his cart on Tuesday , his mother said to him , " Well , go ahead and ask the girl ! If it 's all right with her , it 's all right with me , but I won 't go begging her . Tell her to come over on Sunday so I can meet her and we can talk . If she 's willing to behave sensibly , then it should turn out all right . I guess it was bound to happen sometime . " " What can I say , " Hansli said , " sometimes a fellow thinks of a thing too early , sometimes too late , that 's just the way we are . But now it seems to me that I would like to hire someone . If you 'd agree , you 'd be just the one for me . I 'd like to marry you if that 's all right with you . " " Well , why not , if I 'm not too ugly or too poor for you , " the girl answered , " but once you 've married me , it 'll be too late to start looking down on me . I 'll never do better than you . I could always find someone to marry , but what he 'd be like it 's hard to say . You 're strong enough , you take good care of what you have , and you won 't treat your wife like a dog . " " That 's right , she and I will be treated just the same and if that 's not good enough , it 's too bad , for there 's nothing more I can do , " Hansli answered . " But I don 't think you 'll be worse off with us than you were before . If it 's all right with you , come over to our house on Sunday . My mother says you 're welcome and that you should think of her as your mother . " " Sure , " said the girl , " why not ? I 'm used to having a mother around , obeying what she says and taking things as they come , the good and the bad , the sour and the sweet . I 've always figured that a sharp word can 't cut holes in your flesh , otherwise I wouldn 't have a piece of skin the size of a penny left anywhere on my body . " So it was , too . On Sunday the girl appeared in Rychiswyl . Hansli had given her good directions so that she had not needed to ask too often where the broommaker lived . His mother quizzed her thoroughly on her knowledge of gardening and cooking , and also wanted to know what prayers she said and whether or not she could read the Bible . It was bad for the children if their mother couldn 't read the Holy Word , the old woman said , for they would suffer the consequences of it all their lives . She liked the girl and the engagement was decided on . " You 're not getting a beauty , " she said to Hansli in front of the girl , " and as far as money is concerned there 's not much to boast about either . But that doesn 't matter . You can 't live off beauty and many a lad gets tricked into thinking he 's getting a rich wife and then afterwards has to pay off his in - laws ' debts . If she 's healthy and doesn 't mind working , then everything will turn out all right . You do own a few good shirts and two sets of clothes , don 't you , so that you won 't have to wear the same clothes Sundays and weekdays ? " " Oh heavens , yes ! " said the girl . " You don 't need to worry about that . I 've got a brand new shirt , two which are still good and four which are worn . But Mother said I 'd get another one and Father said he 'd make me my wedding shoes and they won 't cost me a penny . And I have an especially kind godmother who 'll give me something nice , maybe even a frying pan or a pot , and who knows if there won 't be something to inherit when she dies . She does have children , but they might die . " They were both completely satisfied , especially the girl , to whom their home , which was always kept clean , seemed like a palace next to the shoemaker 's hole , full of leather , shoe lasts and children . They separated in order to come together again soon and then for good . So it happened , too . There were no objections , the preparations did not take months , since new shoes and a new shirt can be made in no time , as long as the materials are on hand , and so within four weeks Hansli and his wife were pulling the cart together to Thun . It was a funny thing : the old cart rolled along quite easily again , as if on its own . He wouldn 't have believed , Hansli said , that a cart could take such a turn for the better ; many a person could learn a lesson from it . Quite a few girls were sorry to see Hansli married . She wouldn 't have minded taking him herself , one girl thought ; if she had known he was in such a hurry , she would have attracted his attention in such a way that he would not have had anything to do with that pancake face . She wouldn 't have believed that Hansli was so stupid : he could have gotten an altogether different kind of wife if he had known how to go about it . He 'd regret it before next Lent , but she didn 't feel sorry for him ; he had brought it on himself . But Hansli was not stupid and he did not regret his choice . He had just the kind of wife that suited him : a modest , hard - working and undemanding woman who felt like she had entered heaven in marrying Hansli . She was not able , however , to help Hansli pull the cart for long ; he soon had to do that by himself again . But once a baby boy had arrived , he consoled himself . He was a real lively one , Hansli said , and would grow up fast and then he could help out and even pull the cart himself in no time . His wife soon wanted to help out with the cart again . If they hurried back , she said , the baby would be all right . Grandmother could feed him while they were gone . But the little one thought differently and soon brought them around to his way of thinking . " My God , what is it ? What 's happened ? " the woman cried out again , let go of the cart and ran off . She met the grandmother , whom the lad had frightened to death with his screaming and who hadn 't known what else to do but to carry him towards his mother in mortal fear that he would fall into cramps . The heavy baby , the fright and the running had so taken the old woman 's breath away that it was high time someone took the baby off her hands . The good people learned what it was like to have a master in the house , even if it were a tiny one . But that did not disrupt the household any . The wife took very good care of things at home , did a good deal of gardening and helped make brooms . She did not overdo it but was always busy and got everything done very quickly ; it seemed as if she never got tired . Hansli was amazed how well off he was with a wife and how his money grew . He obtained a small plot of land ; his mother did get a goat , and even a second one . Hansli did not want a donkey , but he did have to arrange with the miller who drove to town to take along part of his brooms , which of course reduced his profit somewhat . Hansli regretted that a good deal , for it pained him to see a single penny spent unnecessarily . Hansli 's life once again went very smoothly and predictably , the days flowing into one another like waves in a river , one scarcely different from the next . The broom twigs grew every year and his wife bore him a child almost every year without it seeming to bother her any . She would bear a child , put it in its cradle ; it cried a little every day and grew a little every day , and in no time it could help out , too . The grandmother said she was old but she had never seen anything like it . They reminded her of young cats who could start to catch mice in just six weeks . And there was a blessing in the children , for the more children there were , the more the money increased . Just think , Hansli 's mother even lived to see him buy a cow . If she hadn 't seen Hansli pay for it with her own eyes , she would scarcely have believed that he hadn 't stolen it , she said . If his mother had lived two more years , she would have seen Hansli become the owner of the little house in which they had lived for years . Along with the house he obtained the right to gather wood from the forest and to use the commons for grazing the cow and the two sheep he was now able to keep , the latter being especially convenient when there are children at home who need wool socks . Hansli still owed quite a bit on the house , but it was a debt which would not be called in as long as he kept up his payments . He didn 't mind owing money , he said , as long as he stayed alive long enough to pay it back ; and he was right in thinking that way . Hansli learned how the first few pennies are the hardest to save . There is always a hole through which they can slip or a mouth which is ready to swallow them up . Once you 're out of debt , once everyone has enough clothes and you 've achieved that without borrowing any money , then things start to improve . Solid ground begins to appear beneath your feet , money becomes more plentiful and easier to save . This is true as long as one condition is fulfilled : the way of life does not change . But it 's a very narrow passage between the cliff and the sandbank . Overnight , like mold on the manure pile , needs and wants spring up out of nowhere and if the husband doesn 't feel them , his wife does and if the parents don 't , then the children do . All at once there are a hundred things which are necessary , although you hadn 't realized it before , and all of a sudden you feel ashamed at not possessing them , You start to overestimate how much money you have because you previously did not have any at all ; you overestimate your own ability to make money because you ascribe your rise in the world solely to your own efforts , and you overestimate your future gains , because you assume they will necessarily be the same as those of the past . In consequence of all your calculations you change your whole way of life . In proportion to the increase in consumption your zeal for work decreases , and therefore your income drops too , so that you sink just as you had risen . The marvelous life fades away as quickly as it came , for the old adage is still true : pride comes before the fall . This , however , was not the case with Hansli . He continued to live and work just the same as before , spending almost no money unnecessarily and being very glad just to get home and find a warm meal waiting for him . Nothing changed except that the helping hands increased in number . His wife possessed , without being aware of it herself , the marvelous and rare gift of being able to put the children to use very early , teaching them to help themselves according to their age and doing it all without having to say much to them : she didn 't know herself how she did it . A pedagogue certainly would not have been able to get a sensible word on the subject out of her . The children took care of one another , helped their father make brooms , carried things for their mother and worked in the garden . None of them ever got a taste of the sweetness of dreamy idleness , but on the other hand they were never overburdened with chores nor did they suffer from a shortage of food or from uncleanliness . They grew up as well - rooted as willows along a stream and were happy and healthy . The parents did not have time to fondle the children , but the latter felt their parents ' love and could see their satisfaction when they did their chores well . Their parents prayed with them , and on Sundays their father read to them from the Bible , explaining what he read as best he could . As a consequence the children had a great respect for their father , viewing him as the master of the house who spoke with God and told God and Jesus if they did not behave . The true respect of children for their parents depends very much on the parents ' relationship to God and on how the children perceive this relationship . If only all parents kept that in mind ! Yes , our Hansli was viewed with respect by more people than just his children . He was so self - assured , so dependable , always spoke so sensibly , always behaved so decently , neither putting on airs nor acting like a beggar , that many a highbrowed city woman came into the kitchen when she heard that the broom man was there just to hear how things were going in the country and to hear all the details of this or that . Indeed , many a household in Bern hired him to deliver their winter food supplies , which brought Hansli some nice extra income . This was not the case in Thun , of course , for there every city councillor 's wife is herself at least partly a farm woman and grows so much food for both people and animals that they can hardly find room to store it all . Yet these women , too , came into the kitchen , often asking Hansli to step into the parlor , and then chatted away pleasantly a half hour or so with him over some sweet Thun wine . For even though they did work in the garden themselves , they did not think that for that reason they had no right to gossip with whomever they chose just like the other city councillors ' wives who never planted a single seed . Even the mayor 's wife chatted with Hansli ; it had become , so to speak , a matter of urgent necessity for her to see him every Saturday and when she was talking to Hansli , it sometimes even happened that the mayor had to wait his turn to talk to her . After all , it does even a mayor 's wife good to have a bit of intelligent conversation once a week . Then one day it happened that it was Saturday in Thun , and yet the broom man was not there . This caused a great disturbance and resulted in many worried faces . Many a cook stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips and without a second thought let the soup upstairs in the kitchen boil away in the pan so that the two remained permanently plastered together . " Haven 't you seen him either ? Have you heard where he is ? " the cooks asked one another . Many a house mistress burst into the kitchen intending to lambaste the cook for not having called her while the broom man was there . But she found the kitchen empty except for something over the fire which stank to high heaven : it was the soup and the pan celebrating their marriage . Even the mayor 's wife was moved into action , first going to her husband and then to the sheriff , and when neither could help she herself went into town after supper in order to ask after her broom man . She was all out of brooms , she said , and had wanted to sweep next week but had no brooms , just imagine . But the broom man did not appear . The whole following week a certain emptiness was noticeable in the city , and on Saturday there was great excitement . " Is he coming or not ? " was the word on everyone 's lips . And he came , he actually came , but it would have been better for him to have stayed home , for if he had answered all the questions asked him , he would have had to stay a week in Thun . He shook off their questions by simply telling them he had gone to a funeral . The broom man gave a brief reply but told the truth . At that the mayor 's wife suddenly cried out , " But my God ! What are you saying ? Are you the brother of that cook who 's caused such a stir because after the death of her master it turned out that she had been his wife and therefore was his heir , but then she died too all of a sudden soon afterwards ? " She led him not into the kitchen but rather into the dining room , ordered Gattung or Fanchette or whatever the maid was called to bring a bottle of wine and to tell the mayor that the broom man was there . Then she had Hansli sit down , no matter how much he protested and said he didn 't have time and had to be on his way . The mayor was there in a minute , sat down , poured himself some wine , drank to Hansli 's health and wished him happiness and had him tell how it had all happened . Hansli kept it short . There wasn 't much to tell , he said . As soon as his sister had been confirmed , she had left home to look for work . She had gone from place to place and apparently had steadily risen in position . She had never bothered much with her family , had only been home twice in all that time and hadn 't been back since his mother 's death . He had seen her occasionally in Bern , but she had never had him come inside the house where she worked , having simply sent her greetings to his wife and children and said she would come soon to visit , which she had never done . Of course it was true that she hadn 't been in Bern for very long but rather had worked in some of the castles around the country and had even been in France , as he had heard . She had restless blood and a roving mind and thus had never stayed in one place for long . But at the same time she was very conscientious and reliable so that she could be entrusted with any task that needed to be done . Recently folks had said his sister had married a rich old man who had done it to spite his relatives because he was mad at them . But he hadn 't really believed it and hadn 't given it a second thought . Then he had suddenly been told that he should go to his sister if he wanted to find her still alive ; she was living near Murten . He had gone and had arrived soon enough to see her die but hadn 't been able to talk to her very much . When she was buried , he had returned home , for he was in a hurry . He had never lost so much time since he had started working . " Well , it 's like this , ma ' am , " Hansli said , " I can 't really believe it 's true ; it doesn 't seem right to me that I should inherit all that money . But they said it 's a sure thing and told me when the time comes I can just pocket the money and be on my way . Still , be that as it may , I 'll continue the same as before for the time being . If it should all fall through , wouldn 't folks laugh and say , ' He thought he was so grand but now he 'll have to start pulling his broom cart again . ' Once I have the money , I 'll probably leave the broom trade , although I 'll be sorry to do it , for I 've never grown tired of it . But folks would talk and laugh if I kept to it and I wouldn 't want that . Being a farmer is nice , too , and if a fellow has the money , there 's probably a farm he can buy somewhere . I already have a little house , thank the Lord , and almost enough land for two cows , and I 've sometimes thought while pulling my cart that if I weren 't the broom man , I 'd like to be a farmer . And maybe I could manage to buy a small farm where there 'd be enough work for all my children and enough to eat for the whole family ; then we 'd have a secure place in the world . " " I think it 's safe , " Hansli answered . " I tested out the ones who could get a hold of it easiest . I offered them money if they could see to it that I became the heir . They told me off and said if it belonged to me I 'd get it , if not , then money wouldn 't help ; they 'd send me the bill for the estate costs if it came to that . I saw from that that it 's in good hands , so I can wait till the time comes . " This matter - of - factness and his continued broom peddling reconciled many people to the enviable " lucky fellow , " while others put Hansli 's behavior down to simple - mindedness and stupidity . Some said that Hansli was so stupid that someone clever would be able to milk him dry . Folks came running from all around , trying to scare him and then afterwards offering him their help . Others wanted to buy his interest in the inheritance , telling him he 'd never get the money . There would be lawsuits whose settlement he wouldn 't live to see ; where would he get the money to keep them going on his side ? Well , Hansli said , nothing was certain in this world , but he 'd just think it over for the time being ; there would still be time enough to do something if a hitch developed . When he returned home a rich man , his wife wept loud and long . He had to ask several times , " What 's the matter ? Did something bad happen ? " " Now that you 're rich , " his wife finally said , who , because she so seldom cried , had all the more difficult a time controlling herself , " you 'll despise me and wish you had married someone else . I did all I could , but now I 'm nothing more than an old hag . Oh , if only I were six feet under the ground ! " At that Hansli sat down on the bench and said , " Listen , woman , you know that we 've lived together in peace now for almost thirty years ; whatever one of us wanted the other wanted as well . I 've never beaten you , and we can count on the fingers of one hand the number of quarrels we 've had . So now , woman , don 't start making a ruckus and changing things , let everything stay just the same between us . The inheritance isn 't mine and it isn 't yours , it 's God 's which he sent for both us and the children . I 'll tell you this , and you can believe it as if it stood in the Bible , that if you start up on this again , either with or without your howling , I 'll take a new rope and beat you so hard that they 'll hear you scream over on Lake Constance . That 's the way it is ; just so you know for the future . " This sounded very definite , more so than the recent correspondence between Prussia and Austria . The woman knew what to expect , for she knew Hansli ; she didn 't bring up the topic again and things remained the same between them . They pulled together on their cart , so to speak , and the cart rolled along very easily . Hansli immediately bought a large farm so that there 'd be enough work and enough to eat for his children . But before he retired as the broom man , he did one last good turn : he brought all his customers a dozen brooms for free . He often said afterwards , and usually with tears in his eyes , that it was a day he could never forget ; he never would have believed that the people cared so much for him . As a farmer he kept to the same industry and to the same simple life as before , praying and working just the same . Yet he knew there was a difference between a broom man and a farmer , namely that the former takes and the latter gives , and he was as willing to do the one as he had been to do the other . Hansli had long ago formed his notions on how a farm should be run and he kept them in mind in running his own household . What he himself had appreciated as a broom man , he now did for others . He kept to the same standard of behavior with his children ; that was perhaps the most difficult thing of all . He knew that they should be somewhat better clothed now than they were as the broom man 's children , but it was not altogether easy to find just the right solution , namely to satisfy the children and other folks too , so that they would not say he had skimped too much or had gone overboard either . With the help of his wife Hansli hit the mark pretty well . They had the children wear good clothes which were durable and mostly homemade , but Hansli would not let them wear anything overly conspicuous . He often told them , " Children , don 't show off and make a big deal over anything . As soon as one of you offends folks somehow , you can count on hearing from all sides : he can afford it , he 's the son of the broom man . But his father would still be pulling his cart if he hadn 't inherited all that money . Many another fellow would be just as rich , they 'll say , if an inheritance came his way ; that doesn 't take any skill . Now I 'll never be ashamed of being called a broommaker as long as I live . Let anyone who wants call me that ; I 'm not at all proud . But if you turn proud , you 'll grow ashamed of your mother and father , and folks will remind you as long as you live of your father 's having been a broommaker . " The children believed him and acted accordingly . We can 't say , however , that parents and children were able to strip off entirely all traces of their former ways and always marched surely and securely on their new path of life . That 's impossible , for it takes generations for a family to feel at home in a new class , and the more anxiously they try and the more self - conscious they are , the less they succeed . This , however , was not the case with the broommaker 's family . |
FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark invisichamesh : My parents think their house is haunted . My mother tells me this story where one day , she was in the kitchen cooking and my much younger brother was in the living room when she hears the piano being played . Thinking it was my brother , she comes into the living room to see my brother clear across the room staring at the piano and the cat hissing at it . My brother sweared it wasn 't him , and the piano played itself . Well , my brother could have been lying , but then much later my stepfather was in the living room and he saw the piano play itself . So did both of my sisters at different times . Supposedly , everyone but my mother and I have seen the piano play itself . I suggested it was a mouse or something like that , and my mother said that , actually , they had checked that , and found that if you pressed the mechanism inside the piano , the keys went up , not down . So now my whole family thinks the house is haunted , though my mother figures that if all the ghost is doing is playing the piano , it 's all right . Me , heh , not too inclined to believe in ghosts , so I don 't know what to think . Ask the piano player if he knows any Chopin ? When my brother was 3 and a half he woke up one night , screaming . Said he woke up and a man was sitting on his bed . He wasn 't afraid , but then the man disappeared into thin air . He was so freaked out my parents let him sleep with them . A couple hours later they got a phone call - - my grandfather had died . He died a couple hours earlier . Later , my mom got some family pictures and showed them to my brother ( covering my grandfather 's face with her finger ) . When she removed her finger , he would freak out and cry . I lived in Luxembourg for a year or so , doing work for the banking industry there ( it 's about as exciting as you 'd think ) . My apartment building there was a hundred or so years old , although it was completely refinished inside . Really nice . My apartment was on the ground floor , and had two very large windows , stretching from about three feet off the floor to the ceiling . It wasn 't uncommon for friends who were stopping by to knock on the window to let me know they were there ( otherwise they had to go through the arduous process of being buzzed in ) . Anyway , after a month or so of living in this apartment , I was awoken in the wee hours of the morning by someone knocking on my window . The knocking continued while I got up , put on some clothes , walked to the window , and opened the drapes . Exactly when I opened the drapes , the knocking stopped . No one was there , and it was like 3 AM . This would happen maybe one or two nights a week for the rest of the time I lived there ( a year or so ) . The knocking would always stop right when I got to the window , or , more perversely , if I yelled at the sound to stop . There wasn 't any rhyme or reason to the timing of the knocks - sometimes it would be eight in the evening and other times it would be three in the morning . There were other times where I would be sitting in bed or at my desk , and the TV would just turn on . I was nowhere near the TV or the remote control , and the TV would just come on and start blathering about whatever . Before I got phone service , my phone would still ring . No one on the other end of the line , of course . The freakiest thing was one time , the knocking started at the window , the television turned itself on , and the knocking immediately stopped . I went out and had a beer at that point . So , yeah , I 'm sure there are logical explanations for all of it ( steam in the radiator pipes for the knocking , power surges for the TV , bad wiring for the phone ) , but the coincidences in timing and apparent reactions to my demands ( stopping the knocking when asked , etc ) freaked me thMr Miracle 2008 - 10 - 31 11 : 47 : 31 AM In college , I had dubbed a piece of classical music from CD onto cassette tape for my walkman and was enjoying a stroll through a cemetery one fine day . About 20 or 30 seconds into it , I heard as plain as day through my music , " Are ya still there ? ! " I 'm not the superstitious sort , but I couldn 't help the release of adrenaline . Goosepimples for sure , and I didn 't know what the hell was going on . Turns out I had some CB inteference by a trucker zooming by my apartment when I was making the recording . I was making out with this lady . I pulled down her pants and she had a full grown amazon forest ! It scared me and I was unable to continue . / hooray for early drinking ! ! When I was about 17 , my grandfather passed away and within a few months , my grandmother became very ill and had to be hospitalized . It turns out she had a gangrenous small bowel and needed surgery , which was very risky because she had emphysema from years and years of smoking . The night before her surgery , I had a dream where I was in a house that 's not your house , but a house that 's familiar to you . Anyhoo . . in the dream I 'm looking out the window , and my recently deceased grandfather shows up . He was barefoot , but dressed in his favorite fleece fall coat and flap - eared hat that he liked to war , and was carrying his favorite lawn chair . I got a little freaked out and tried to hide , but he saw me and motioned to me to let him inside . So I let him inside the house and I kind of start babbling to him about some stupid thing and he turned to me and asked , " Where is your Grandmother ? " I told him that she was in the hospital , was very ill and might die . He told me , " Yes , I know . She 's going to join me today , " and then he disappeared . I immediately woke up and started crying , and ran upstairs to tell my mom about what happened . She said he had visited her too . Thankfully , my grandmother survived and lived for another 8 - 10 years . Had she died on that day , I think I would have to have been institutionalized . I 've never had anything really scary happen to me , but there have been a few weird things . Here 's the best : My family lives on a dirt road in rural Minnesota . We keep and breed Shire horses , have for almost thirty years now . Our horse vet is retired now , but lives just up the dirt road from us down a long driveway . One night , the vet 's wife ( also a vet , but for our dogs and cats ) was driving up her driveway when two horses ran in front of our car . One was big and black with white markings on the feet and face ( a Shire ) and the other was a small light brown pony . Since my mother is the only owner of Shire horses for many miles , she called us to let us know some of our horses got out . After hearing the horses described , my mom said " Oh , that 's Juliet and Whisky . They 're both dead . " Neither of the horses was seen again , but it makes me happy because they were two of my favorites and I would like to think they 're still around somehow . I only have one . I used to live in an old carriage house . The place was a converted garage that the house owner converted to a residence with a huge open upstairs to keep his daughter from going to the bars downtown ( so she could hang out with her friends there and dance ) back in the early 1910 's . Anyway , my bedroom was downstairs and my roommate 's was upstairs . He was out with his girlfriend one night and I was home alone . When all of a sudden I heard some footsteps walk diagonally across the room upstairs . Hard , heal first walking . I was immediately confused , since they couldn 't have gotten in without me knowing , so I went upstairs and there was nobody there . Needless to say , a chill shot up my back . Spooky . OK , this was scary , but not in a " ghost story " way . More like a " am I going insane " way . Last year I was sick with the flu for almost two weeks , and could barely keep any food down . Water and chicken broth , maybe some crackers , but that was about it . The illness kept me from sleeping for any longer than a half hour at a time ; I would wake up burning with fever or chilled and covered in sweat . The flu medication I was taking had an intoxicating effect , but I only had a little bit of it left from the last time I had the flu , enough to last for about 5 days . Withdrawal from the medication , combined with malnourishment , dehydration , and lack of sleep combined to drag me into a hellish waking nightmare for days , as I began having visual and auditory hallucinations . . . I tried to sleep the second night after I ran out of flu medicine , and after about twenty minutes I began to drift off to sleep . Suddenly , I heard my doorbell ringing . I sat bolt upright in bed , looked at the clock ( it was about 2 AM ) and cautiously made my way to the apartment door . I have two doors ; the first opens to the entryway and the second leads to outside ; the inner door therefore has no peephole . I began to unlock the inner door , and I heard something moving in the entryway . I froze in mid - motion and listened intently at the door ; I thought I could hear someone whispering . Most of it was unintelligible , but I thought I heard my name a few times , and it seemed to me that there was more than one voice whispering . After a few minutes , the whispering sounds stopped and I opened the door just a crack and peeked through ; nothing there . ( This type of hallucination ( the doorbell ringing ) happened a LOT during that week ; to this day when I hear a doorbell ringing in a movie , on TV , or in real life I feel anxious . ) I closed and locked the door and tried to go back to sleep . This time I made it about a half an hour , and I started having a vivid dream that I had contracted something like the Ebola virus , and that I was bleeding from everyplace at once . I woke Scorpinock 2008 - 10 - 31 11 : 57 : 38 AM Last year , I made this video . ( new window ) People then filmed kids watching the video . It was pretty cool to see different kids reacting in different ways : A cute baby . ( new window ) A future scream queen . ( new window ) Two kids scared out of their minds . ( new window ) Several years back when I was in college I was very stressed out and very busy studying for finals . One night after I finished studying I was finally able to fall asleep . I had a strange dream that night , but first a little background . My grandmother was one of 13 kids , born around the early 1900s in rural Mississippi . All through my childhood the ' brothers and sisters ' as we called them were very caring and nice people who would always cook a big meal or provide any assitance if it was needed . One by one , as they all aged , they passed on . . . interestingly the order of deaths so far has been from the oldest to the next in line and so on . . . Anyway . . . in the dream I was walking into a large kitchen / dining room of great big old house . . . complete with period appliances and decorations of the 1920s . . . an old electric fan blowing , old music on the radio . In this room were all of my old great aunts and uncles who had died . The men were sitting listening to the radio , the women were preparing a meal . A brilliant white light radiated inwards from the windows . When my aunts and uncles saw me they beckoned me to come in and sit down and relax . I woke up the next morning completely stress free and relaxed . . . finished my exams and all was well . Strange . Right after I was born , my parents moved into an old house out in the country . It was built in the early 1900 's and was owned by a farmer . Nobody had lived there for about ten years or so , so he let us stay there for free since my parents were young and just - out - of - college poor . I lived in that house until I was about 6 or 7 and it was always really creepy there at night . When I was 5 or so , I started having dreams about an old guy who was going to kill me with a knife . In the dreams , I 'd be in my bedroom sleeping and wake up ( still in my dream , though ) to see an older man standing there with a knife . Sometimes he 'd just stand there , other times he 'd make threatening motions at me , and a few times I 'd see a little boy sitting in the corner of my room crying . These dreams continued once or twice a week for at least two months or so . After convincing my parents to let me sleep in their room , I stopped having the nightmares and soon afterwards began sleeping in my room again . I never had any dreams about the old man again . However , when I was 10 or so , I saw the movie Halloween and the way Michael Myers was holding a knife reminded me of the dreams . I mentioned the dreams to my best friend , who was watching the movie with me at the time . A few months later he got onto the bus on the way to school extremely excited . He said that he had been talking to his grandpa about Halloween costumes and his grandpa started telling him scary stories . It turns out that one of his stories involved the house I used to live in . Apparently in the 30 's a man had lived there with his wife and two children ; a son and daughter . One day , in the middle of the afternoon , he snapped , stabbing his wife to death and then murdering his two children while they were upstairs playing in their room . He then went outside about 300 yards north of the house , walked out into the middle of a small , shallow pond , and slit his own throat . I thought my friend was screwing with me , so I convinced my mom to take me to the library so that I could look in some old ndowntownkid 2008 - 10 - 31 12 : 00 : 09 PM My pal used to put on big overalls stuffed with straw and put a pumpkin on his head . He slumped down on a bench on his front porch , looked just like a scarecrow . He 'd have the bowl of candy in his lap so the kids could reach in and grab their treats . When they reached in he 'd grab them by the wrist and lurch at them . I 've never seen anything funnier , little kids screaming their lungs out and sprinting down the block . Sadly his wife made him stop when one kid vaulted the porch rail and landed in the bushes , crying his eyes out . tehrza : Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped , turned upside down , and I 'd like to take a minute , just sit right there , I 'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air . In West Philadelphia I was born and raised , on the playground is where I spent most of my days . Chillin ' out , maxin ' , relaxin all cool , and all shootin ' some b - ball outside of the school . When a couple of guys who were up to no good started makin ' trouble in my neighborhood . I got in one little fight and my mom got scared , And said " You 're movin ' with your auntie and uncle in bel Air . " I whistled for a cab , and when it came near , the license plate said " fresh " and it had dice in the mirror . If anything I could say that this cat was rare , But I thought " Nah forget it , Yo home to Bel Air . " I pulled up to the house about seven or eight , and I yelled to the cabby " Yo homes , smell ya later . " Looked at my kingdom , I was finally there , to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air . god damn you . . . Some friends of mine and I rented a house near UC 100 + year old house huge ceilings , three floors , they don 't make them like they used to type place . From the time we moved in to the time we moved out the goofiest / creepiest shiat happened . When we looked at the place we found a dead cat in the basement . They told us it got locked in and died . ( One of the guys working on the place refused to go in the basement where we found the cat . ) We were painting the bedrooms upstairs . There were four of us doing it and as usual my buddy was running late . So were painting and I hear heavy footfalls on the stairs . I think it 's him and walk out of the room to the hall which overlooks the stairs yelling " It 's about time dic . . . . . . " No one was there . So because I 'm paranoid and my girlfriend was there I check the house . Nothing . We always heard footsteps and running upstairs . Doors rattling , rooms going cold in the summer time all sorts of spooky stuff . So I moved my stuff in and was sleeping there . No one was in the house . I checked all the door and windows they were locked . each bedroom had a lock as well . So it 's locked and I got to sleep . Around 2 I hear my door unlocking and locking again . Silde click , slide click . I thought it was my friends farking with me . So I told them to knock it off I had to work early . It stopped nothing else was said . The next morning I realized the lock can only be turned on my side . It was built into the door . You can 't tell there is a lock from the outside of it . Few days later my friends now wife watched a little boy walk though the door connecting our rooms . Look at her and my friend ( who slept though it ) walk past their bed and out the other locked door . Freaked her out . I had legos and several models / toys on a shelf in the living room . One morning I found the shelf empty and the toys around the room . None of the legos were busted up even though they were on the top shelf . The pantry door would not stay shut . We would close it and make sure it was latched . 15 minutes later it would open . The basementHang On Voltaire 2008 - 10 - 31 12 : 01 : 06 PM Hardy - r - r : Got stinkimg drunk one night and picked up a real BEAST for a one night stand . I was living with 3 other guys at the time and next morning had to get her out of the house before anyone else woke up . Still cringe to this day . God she was scary . Same story here but I did NOT get her out of my apartment before my roommate saw her . Still catch shiat for that one . indenture : When my brother was 3 and a half he woke up one night , screaming . Said he woke up and a man was sitting on his bed . He wasn 't afraid , but then the man disappeared into thin air . He was so freaked out my parents let him sleep with them . A couple hours later they got a phone call - - my grandfather had died . He died a couple hours earlier . Later , my mom got some family pictures and showed them to my brother ( covering my grandfather 's face with her finger ) . When she removed her finger , he would freak out and cry . On the day my Dad died my sister in law had left my parents house to go get her kids from school . Ages 5 & 3 . Well she picked them up and did not tell them what had happened and as my Sister in law is driving my niece said " Mommy , Papa is in the car " When I was 12 years old , I was sleeping in my bed at home . At around 1AM , I woke up for no particularly reason and laid in bed for a few minutes staring at the ceiling . At this point , my eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the room and I was fully conscious of what was going on , although it was still very dark . I decided to get up and get a drink of water , so I sat up , turned , and was about to get out of bed , when I realized there was someone in my room , standing right in front of me . They were fairly short , maybe about 4ft tall , so I thought it was my younger sister at first . I was about to ask her what she was doing there , when I realized that it wasn 't her . I froze with fear , adrenaline surged through me . My senses focused and I realized that it didn 't even look like a person at all . It was just a dark figure , solid , but without features , except for its eyes which were staring at me . I 'll never forget those cold yellow eyes . I thought I must still be dreaming or groggy and misperceiving somehow , I * had * to be , so I just tried to wake myself up while I was sitting there in shock look at it . No , I was definitely awake , and even after I had sat there for a good 30 - 60 seconds , too afraid to do anything , it was still there , just staring at me . I tried to get the nerve to yell or do something , but I was too afraid , I had never been so scared in all of my life . Finally , I gathered up every ounce of my courage , screamed and struck out at the figure wildly . I either missed or my hand went through it , and I fell over as a result . I immediately turned the light on as I got up to face whatever it was , but there was nothing there . The room was empty . I 've heard some similar stories from other people , only they usually are immediately waking when they have instances of sleep paralysis , and it 's not usually this vivid and prolonged . I do have scientific training , and I tend to be very skeptical about things and general , but I can 't deny what I saw with my own eyes . I am as certain that I was fully awake at that moment as I ainvisichamesh 2008 - 10 - 31 12 : 04 : 04 PM JohDHJ : invisichamesh : My parents think their house is haunted . My mother tells me this story where one day , she was in the kitchen cooking and my much younger brother was in the living room when she hears the piano being played . Thinking it was my brother , she comes into the living room to see my brother clear across the room staring at the piano and the cat hissing at it . My brother sweared it wasn 't him , and the piano played itself . Well , my brother could have been lying , but then much later my stepfather was in the living room and he saw the piano play itself . So did both of my sisters at different times . Supposedly , everyone but my mother and I have seen the piano play itself . I suggested it was a mouse or something like that , and my mother said that , actually , they had checked that , and found that if you pressed the mechanism inside the piano , the keys went up , not down . So now my whole family thinks the house is haunted , though my mother figures that if all the ghost is doing is playing the piano , it 's all right . Me , heh , not too inclined to believe in ghosts , so I don 't know what to think . Ask the piano player if he knows any Chopin ? That would be even creepier . I probably should note that ' playing the piano ' was more like ' hitting some keys on a really out of tune piano ' , but ' playing the piano ' sounded better . Cuckoo : After a few minutes , the whispering sounds stopped and I opened the door just a crack and peeked through ; nothing there . ( This type of hallucination ( the doorbell ringing ) happened a LOT during that week ; to this day when I hear a doorbell ringing in a movie , on TV , or in real life I feel anxious . ) Ah yes , medication bells . Always fun . I was prescribed the antibiotic " Levaquin " when I had bronchitis once . The first time you take it the body needs to ' adjust ' to the medicine . So we were eating supper and as the wife and kids were talking I got more and more irritable , as everytime someone finished a sentence there was a small bell - ringing noise . I finally said " What the heck are those bells ? " My wife blinked at me for a moment . I then decided that laying down quietly in the bedroom was a good plan for the rest of the evening . The effect eventually went away . For some reason anti - biotics can do odd things to your hearing . Pxtl : Google " Sleep Paralysis " and discover that the most horrifying moment of your life is totally common . Happens every time I combine two elements - a stuffy nose and getting cold . I get this all time . . . twice this week in fact . Some scary shiat . I always wake up screaming . I have a few interesting stories . My Grandpa died about three years ago . He passed away in September . My Mom bought those Merry Christmas from Heaven ornaments to send anonomously to her siblings . Anyway I had a dream that my Grandpa called me . He told me that he loved me and asked me to thank my Mom for sending the ornaments . My other Grandma and Grandpa passed away awhile ago . I went to the cemetery a few years ago to bring some flowers . It was the first time I 'd been there by myself . I walked around for a good half an hour trying to find their grave . Eventually I just stopped and said " Where are you ? " I looked down and I was standing on their grave sewiusproductions : I turn on the TV , after coming home from seeing THE farkING RING and see static , I nearly shiat myself , I turned off the TV , and didn 't sleep right for a few days . Ha , a similar thing happened to my friend after seeing that movie in a theater . He came home , went to the basement , and turned on the TV . Apparently he fell asleep and left the TV on . When he woke up , it was just showing a bunch of static . Then , his cell phone rang . He heard someone say " You have seven days . " Needless to say , he flipped the f * ck out . Later he discovered that the static was produced by the TV channel cutting off , and that another of our friends was playing a cruel prank on him with the phone call ; the static was an unfortunate , concurrent coincidence . When we were living in a different country , when I was eight years old , my mum told me that she had dreamt about her uncle . Six days later , the letter arrived to tell her he had died . She was not a nutcase , but she remained convinced that her uncle had come to say goodbye . . . they had had a family bond , and this was the outcome . downtownkid : My pal used to put on big overalls stuffed with straw and put a pumpkin on his head . He slumped down on a bench on his front porch , looked just like a scarecrow . He 'd have the bowl of candy in his lap so the kids could reach in and grab their treats . When they reached in he 'd grab them by the wrist and lurch at them . I 've never seen anything funnier , little kids screaming their lungs out and sprinting down the block . Sadly his wife made him stop when one kid vaulted the porch rail and landed in the bushes , crying his eyes out . Tell your friend to watch this ( Not a RickRoll ) The Loaf : The Loaf 's Journal : October 31 , Nineteen Eighty Two Thousand EightPumpkin carcass in alley this morning . Tire tread on burst innards . This city is afraid of me . I have seen its true face . The streets are extended gutters , and the gutters area full of candy . And when the doors finally close , all the children will drown have bad teeth . The accumulated filth of all their costumes and silly clothing will foam up about their waists . And all the slutty school girls and pirates will look up and shout " Trick or Treat ! " . And I 'll look down and whisper , " No . " And then they 'll egg my house . Win nosferatublue : sewiusproductions : When The Ring was in theaters , I made the mistake of going to see it with a few friends on Halloween night . We went to dinner first so we could see the 10 : 00PM showing . As it was a Thursday night , and I was a religious CSI viewer , I had to tape it . Well , needless to say , movie scared the shiat out of me . When I got home , I went to see if there was anything on TV . I had this really old VCR where , if you were at the end of a tape , and the VCR was still on , it would just produce static . I turn on the TV , after coming home from seeing THE farkING RING and see static , I nearly shiat myself , I turned off the TV , and didn 't sleep right for a few days . I still haven 't seen a movie yet that scared me like that one . I 've written my story before , but what the heck : The situation : Birthday party , one of the kid 's friends are over and everyone is watching " The Ring " The scene in the movie in just about to be when she 's at the cottage watching the " tape " for the first time . ME : upstairs with the ability to see what 's playing on the TV downstairs , with a remote that can take over the downstairs ' TV , a cell phone and one of my daughters ( who was about 8 or 9 at the time ) wearing a black wig and a large white t - shirt . So , in the movie , the " tape " plays and she gets the call . ME : turns off the TV and calls downstairs on the cell ( number blocked ) with daughter now at bottom of stairs ready to walk ( the whole twitching thing ) towards the pitch dark living room to moment the phone stops ringing . Results : LOTS of screaming , one of the kids has to call his parents to come and get him , and the story becomes a legend in the school . / good times . Two years ago , a friend decided to scare the shiat out of his brother . He talked me into helping . We all went to a hay ride one night . The plan was . . . my friend made an excuse to leave me and his brother . Then . . . after a few minutes , he was to jump out from behind a scare crow . Simple , right ? Really thought this one would work . His brother jumped at anything and he was drunk . Plan is going well , friend leaves . His brother and I are walking toward the scare crow . Next thing I know , I hear a sound coming from behind the scare crow . His brother jumped back . . . grabbed the wooden pole holding the scare crow . . . jabbed the pole in the direction of the sound . When the pole struck , it made a sucking sound . Damn . . . I just knew he impaled my friend 's face . The brother was stepping back trying to catch his breath . I go over to the pole just knowing it 's going to be bad . Just at that time . . . my friend come running around the corner wondering what was going on . Come to find out , he was delayed by running into a few friends of his . When I went to where the scare crow was , his brother had stuck the pole into a pumpkin . Since his brother passed out and did not remember anything , we decided not to talk about this ever again . I guess it 's alright to post it . It was " The Night Mike Was Almost Killed By His Own Brother and Stupidity " . Shorewood Senior CampusAt 3 : 32 this morning , I heard a knock on my door . No , make that a flurry of knocks , a burst of noise invading my sleep . I sprang awake , trying to answer the phone , shut off my alarm ; whatever was needed to tell the world to shut the hell up so I could go back to sleep . I stuck on a pair of shorts , almost concerned that I had them on backwards . . . grabbed the first shirt - like thing I could find , which happened to be a jacket , and stumbled to the door . I looked out the peephole . The hallway was dark . This struck me as odd at first , then somewhat scary . The hallway shouldn 't have been dark , for one thing . The hallways were always brightly lit , this being a " senior campus " and all . . . . can 't have Aunt Matilda wandering around darkened hallways at night , you know . . . Worse , I still heard the knocking , though glimpse through the peephole showed that no one was there . I could feel the vibrations from the knocking , the frequency growing more and more frantic , until it was pounding instead of knocking , as if whoever it was didn 't care to have the door answered as much as punished . I readied myself - well , for what , I 'm not sure , but I was ready - and opened the door . The knocking stopped immediately , and at first , it seemed perfectly reasonable to suspect a poltergeist or something equally fantastic was responsible . Then I felt something brush against my feet . It finally ocurred to me to switch on my own lightswitch . . . and there she was , there it was , a woman , whom I only recognized as a woman by what remained of her breasts . It looked like her body had . . . eroded . . . . that 's all I could think of to describe it ; it 's like she was worn down over time . She was naked and old and scared , and looked up at me with her eyes clouded by cataracs and a yellowish crust that pasted her right eye almost closed . . . I was repulsed by her , despite myself , and my first instinct was to slam that door and lock it , and just get the hell away from that thing . . . instead , a desire to show compassion won out , and I decided to try to help her . Asaedude01 2008 - 10 - 31 12 : 10 : 27 PM I would often use this bathroom in a friend 's dorm that always gave me a creepy vibe . I attributed it to bad lighting , water gurgling in the pipes , etc . Except one time I was in a stall , heard the door open , and saw , through the crack in the stall , a girl walk in wearing a blue bathrobe and pink towel wrapped around her head . Almost immediately after I flushed and exited the stall , and no one was there but me . I was freaked out enough I pulled back all the shower curtains to make sure . I don 't use that bathroom anymore . I used to work at a coffee house in high school , in a pretty old , brick building . Anyways , in this small town , the streets were deserted by 8pm or so , and I always had the late shift ( open until 10 or 11 ) by myself . I saw some creepy things in there . Several times , heavy pots would fall from the shelves in the kitchen . I spent hours trying to make it happen naturally - - could never figure it out . One time , I was mopping and , on the other side of the shop , the coffee grinder turned on . It wasn 't automatic and it had a really heavy switch ( you had to put a lot of force on it to turn it on ) . And the switch was so heavy , there was no way to get it to stick midway ( up was on , down was off ) . Freaked me out . Then another time , I had just finished mopping and went to dump the water out back . No one came in the back door and I was out there for maybe 90 seconds . I turn around , walk back in and see white footprints ( kid - sized and barefoot ) leading from the back door to the register and stopping . I immediately went out front to smoke . This isnt all that scary , but it sure the hell freaked me out a few times . . . My girlfriend was working / living out of state for a little while , so we were flying back and forth a couple times a month ( me going down there , her coming up here alternating times . . ) . When she flew back here , we would usually get a hot tub room at a hotel to have a fun night after not seeing each other for a couple weeks . We went to the same place two times in a row . . ended up in the same room . . and each time , about 3am I woke up in an absolute panic . I had the most vivid dream of being possessed by something , that something evil was making contact with me . It was the most intense and weird feeling I have ever had after a dream . This is just a WEIRD story but I really hope someone can give me a medical explanation for this : About 6 months ago I was zoning out in my cubicle in the early morning . One of my co - workers came over and started blabbing about her weekend or something and I was just kinda sitting there politely listening . She was talking for a long time and my interest was severely lacking and as I was sitting there I guess my mouth was slightly open and then it happened . Almost simultaneously I noticed that Karen abruptly stopped talking and her eyes got really wide and surprised and then I noticed a well defined ribbon of smoke right in front of my eyes . I immediately turned to the mirror on my cubie wall and saw the smoke coming from my mouth . Now please understand that I DON ' T SMOKE ! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR SMOKE TO BE COMING OUT OF MY BODY ! Karen started laughing and was like " What the hell was that ? Was that a magic trick ? " It only lasted a second and when I closed my mouth I could taste a burning flavor in the very back of my throat . I was super freaked out and spent the next hour or so trying to figure out what the hell had just happened to me . I was so confused I was even looking around for lit candles that could have had an ember get loose and float into my mouth as I inhaled . I joke around and say I think it was my spirit literally being extinguished by this place . Or my soul dying . Does anybody have a clue what happened to me ? |
Posted on February 7 , 2013 by nickwale 2 On my wanders around the world of the Internet I find some interesting folk . Today , I want to introduce someone who really has something to offer all you talented artists out there . George Vega is a well - respected , talented illustrator . He is now a publisher and he wants to work with both new and tested talent . Let George explain … A ) Hi , Nick , I would describe myself as a nice and patient guy . It feels to me that people like being around me . I 'm awesome at parties ! ( laughs ) I work hard and believe that many have more talent than I , but few can outwork me . This may come from my Kung Fu background , A ) I am a Black Belt in Northern Shaolin Kung - Fu . I 've competed in forms and weapons competitions NASKA from 1999 - 2002 . Back in 2001 , was ranked second in Chinese Open hand forms and Chinese style weapons . So , ' expert ' ? I don 't know , but I truly love to practice and train . I 'm always trying to push myself and understand why this martial art has lasted about 1000 years . A ) Yes , your right . That 's where my patience may have come from . It helps me deal with people and stand up for myself in a verbal sense . A ) P - U - S - H ! ! ! ! Ha ! I think the passion is natural . I went to F . I . T . ( Fashion Institute of Technology ) in New York , and my focus was not right those years . Truthfully , I had it easier with graphic design . A ) It 's tough and it does steal some creative and work time , but I 'm trying to cultivate the publishing end of things and want to work with quality people and artists . If I wanted to , I would print cards and hand them to EVERYONE at Comic Con 's Artist Alley and just worry about revenue and getting sales , but I don 't . I try my best to get behind artists who are doing top - notch work , print their books , and showcase them . It would be great to have a full steam ahead publishing company like the big boys where I could also provide creative services . A ) Artists , yes . Some are great friends , too , or we have become friends . Companies - that 's growing daily . I keep making contacts . A ) I think it 's very cool to have that freedom because it gives a chance for that little guy to make something happen . Unfortunately , when you self - publish , you don 't really know if you have something good or if you may lose a lot of money . The kickstarter thing is awesome , but I just hope people don 't get carried away with the capital and not take the opportunity to build something significant . Either way , let people be and the cream always rises . I wonder if people actually think I 'm talented or not . All I know is my whole life I loved to draw and I loved cartoons . As a kid , my favorite cartoon was Voltron . I watched the credits , wondering if I could contact one of those people to teach me . Little did I know that it was all done overseas . I would like to say that patience is key - I am not a phenomenon - I am just lucky enough to know my passion . Talk to other artists , look for people above you or who are further along . Those conversations can be worth gold as far as understanding where you want to go . Really understand the spectrum of illustration - from comics to concept work to sketch cards , traditional to digital , and everything in between … all of it . Because you have to put your efforts in somewhere and you need to choose where they are best placed . You have to know because there it too much competition out there to muck around . Q ) I think that is some of the most important advice anyone could receive . It 's no good doing anything unless you intend to do it well . Did you always know you wanted to be an illustrator as a kid ? A ) YES ! I would always say I was going to be an artist . I wish I had someone in my family that new something about it , but my parents were not from the US and spoke very little English . My dad was very hardworking and my mom took care of us . Uncles and aunts were too far away , so I had to figure it out myself . I am lucky enough to have a series of interviews with George . We will be discussing his publishing company Vegamation , and his own work as an illustrator . I am pumped and ready for it , be sure to catch the next one ! Rose had been married to a man who beat her daily , both physically and psychologically . She became dependant on her abuser and when he dies , she has no way to cope . She falls into a deep depression fuelled by years of anger and estrangement . When Nick is a young boy of age seven , still reeling from the death of his father , he becomes subject to Rose 's anger at the world . At first he just accepts the abuse , but then he learns to cope with it . As he grows older , Rose insists he become her constant companion and surrogate husband , to the detriment of his own development . He wants to make his mother better , and at the same time he is fighting hard to survive the race - the race for his own identity and freedom . " The Rose Amongst the Thorns " is the true story of three people and their will to survive and ultimately thrive as a family unit . What will they do when they find themselves thrown together ? How will they manage ? I awoke to the sound of my father making breakfast , the normal daily occurrences happening all around me . My feet crept out from under the heavy blankets to find the floor - the cold hard floor . I had forgotten what I had heard the night before . There was not much to remember , some cries and sobs . That 's all . I wandered out of my parents ' large bedroom and stepped into the small , steep stairwell that led downstairs . My father was still busy with his morning routine , but my mother wasn 't heard . I crept down the stairs , one by one and finally reached the bottom of the mountain . Slowly , I opened the door leading to the kitchen . My father stood at the table , still placing table mats and cutlery . Humming a happy tune , probably something he had heard on a jazz record , he looked up at me . There was no smile , no storm or tempest . The look was cold and his finger pointed towards the cereal he now poured into a bowl . I looked for my mother , she sat cowered in a corner chair . Her face , I saw it in its morning glory . The black and blue bruises mingled with her pale English rose complexion . I did not ask her what happened , for I knew . My father might have forgotten but she hadn 't . She wore the scars and those same scars turned her into the person she became later on . The village closest to our house could have been any small English town . Everyone had secrets . The drug - addicted chemist who neglected his duty , the bank manager who slowly fiddled the books to push money into his own coffers , the pious woman on the church board who was having an affair with two of her neighbour 's husbands . The village kept its secrets close to its hard boiled breast . I grew up learning that a smile was not necessarily kind and a cry of anger did not mean that a wrong had been committed . I knew that something was amiss everytime I saw an unguarded moment from the citizens . Eyes looked cold and lonely . Faces long and drawn . I could see the terror held by so many at the thought that their own problems might become the next ' red hot ' talking point . The age of miracles and the wonders of technology had not yet made itself known to the place I grew up and called home . Dances were still popular and school was still indebted to the class system . The Labour government of 1997 had not yet swept to power . I grew up in a hive of Conservatism , and I knew of nothing else . My father was staunchly Conservative , and my mother was told how to vote . She did , however , assert herself at times ; she would take pity on the Liberals . My father , always angry at this , would chide about the poor performance of the party at every election . It was not common to see a debate in our house . As in most English households of that era , my father 's word was law . The village was beautiful , outsiders found it to be a haven from the busy cities and towns littering the country . History once had been made in the area , wars won and crowns lost . Nobility still survived in the town and the Great Hall lay monument to its impressive past . Even the secrets could not take away from the grandeur of the place . The car pulled into the car park , nestled close to the war memorial in the main square . I stared out of the window and saw its huge mass as it lay a dark shadow over the cobblestones . My mother stepped out of the vehicle to do her daily shopping . I can only imagine the embarrassment she must have felt , her face bruised and bloated from her long night . She gazed at me and tried to smile . I smiled back as best I could and stepped out of the car and stood beside her . My hand reached up for the comfort of her own . There was nothing said , just a general knowledge that my mother would be the next discussion point at coffee mornings . My father , generally known as a great man , would not lose any of his stature . The villagers would blame my mother and she would be seen as a failed wife and mother . Her punishment already delivered and the embarrassment of carrying the scars would be considered an apt display of a husband 's right to beat his wife . Nobody would stand up for her , she knew that . The village would stare , point and scold her for his actions . We walked into the post office and I could feel the eyes of the town glaring at us . I could hear the whispers . I could hear them muttering to themselves and I am sure my mother could , too . This had not been the first beating , and would not be the last . It was just another morning of humiliation in our fair village . We managed to do our shopping in relative peace and headed home . The world was still turning . I looked up at my mother , her bruises still blue and ugly . The car pulled into a drive , not ours . This was the home of my mother 's adopted mother , Mrs Agatha . Her bungalow was out of town and she lived the rural way she had always known . There were no mod cons here , just a small bungalow and the land owner 's home across from her abode . The car stopped outside her house and she stepped out . I followed , the gravel under my feet crunching as I followed her into the dingy property . The décor was a mix of the old world and the older world . Clean , but smelling strongly of cheap cigarettes - I close my eyes now and still smell it . There she sat , in her small kitchen , her cup in her hand and cigarette in the ashtray balancing on her leg . My parents had lived in the bungalow across from her once . My mother had met Mrs Agatha a long time ago , and they had become fast friends . She smiled as she saw my mother walk into the room . " Nicholas had a nightmare and came in wanting a cuddle . I let him get into bed with us . He was terribly shaken up , " my mother 's voice broke with emotion . I had indeed had a nightmare . A ten - foot spider , or maybe Godzilla , had been chasing me . All I remember is that I was petrified and wanted to curl up with her and feel safe . Apparently , I had done something wrong . " I 've never seen him so angry , Agatha . I don 't know who he is anymore , " she was crying now . " He always wanted a child . I don 't know why he hates Nicholas so . " " I 've known Thomas a long time , Rose . I always thought he was incredibly selfish , " Mrs Agatha said , her voice saddened by my mother 's story . " He acts the big man , but he 's very insecure , I think . " " I know he is , Agatha , " my mother said , her voice stronger now . " I do everything I can to please him , but nothing is enough . He doesn 't even think Nicholas is his . " I collected the biscuits and brought them back into the lounge , sitting myself on the floor next to my mother . I wanted to comfort her . I wanted to be someone different - someone my father would love and approve of . I wanted to disappear . That night my mother was late picking up from work the man I had been encouraged to call Daddy . She had been caught behind a slow moving tractor . Edgy and tense , she tried to pass . No opportunity presented itself . I sat in the back . We watched as he walked out of work , still laughing from a joke one of his friends had told him . He drove steadily back home . I didn 't utter a word . Finally , we pulled into our familiar driveway . The sky darkened as our car headed toward the house . It looked cold and uninviting , but I knew that within an hour my mother would have it warm . There would be a fire burning in the lounge fireplace and warm food would be presented to my father . The food would have to be made within half an hour of his return . That was his mandate . If she ever passed that mark then he wouldn 't eat it . If he didn 't eat , then there would be a beating . Daddy had eaten dinner and now sat watching television . I sat still on the sofa reading a book . My mother sat silently , waiting for the next order from my father . My mother did not say anything . She jumped and ran off to get him the sandwich . My father looked at me and smiled . I was too young to know how sadistic he was , but I knew I had to fear him and not to underestimate him . My mother returned with the bacon sandwich . She walked slowly towards my father who sat still . Suddenly , he pointed towards the table on the other side of his chair . My mother moved in front of him and he tripped her up , she fell and the sandwich fell onto the floor . My father stood up and kicked the plate away . My mother tried to push herself up , but had winded herself . I watched my poor mother try to pick herself up . My father watched as she finally managed to get on her feet . I wanted to help , but fear overtook my body . I sat still and ended up staring at the ground . I hated him . My father was in pain . We all knew that he had problems with his back . Years of hard labour had taken their toll on his body , although he was still a fine figure of a man . He was ageing quickly , however . Nobody would have thought that his ailments would be caused by a disease . My mother wanted him to go and see a doctor . He did not want to , he made that clear . His answer was to take handful after handful of paracetamol to control the pain . It worked , at first . Motor Neurone Disease is a very under - publicised condition . My father didn 't know he had it . Then when he was finally diagnosed he refuted it , but eventually , he had no choice but to give into it . The anger he felt was displayed with every punch , kick or snarly remark . I felt lost , abused and lonely . My own father denied that I was his . I was , I knew that I was his child . Ever since one of his friends had jokingly told him that I could be someone else 's , my father had taken it to heart that I wasn 't . My mother took several beatings over his insecurity . My mother would cry , and try to defend herself . She knew that the end result would always be the same . The beating would be systematic . I felt so sorry for her . I wished nightly I could do more for her . The secret of his illness did not take long to infect the village . Everyone knew that he was dying . I knew it , before I was meant to know . One old woman came up to me in the middle of the village store . " I hear your father is dying , " she said , hoping for some juicy gossip or perhaps details of his ailment . I can see her face now , she was wrinkled . So wrinkled , old and broken down . I had nothing to say , what could I say ? The only thing I knew about death was that I knew Elvis was dead , and something about Princess Diana that I had heard on the TV . I was not told what death was . We arrived home and I helped to carry the groceries inside . The house was warm and ready for a night in the cold country air . We entered the house and my father sat there in front of the fire . By this time , he was in a wheelchair . The vibes were angry . My mother tried to ignore the atmosphere . I moved too close and he lunged at me with his pick - up stick . I managed to elude its blow . My mother was having a hard time coping , but she managed . There was not one person in the village , the almighty village , that offered to help her . My father fell over a couple of times as his strength continued to fail , and she could not lift him . She struggled , and finally managed to get him up and onto the toilet seat . By this time , his legs were gone . The disease was taking its hardest toll . He lashed out at her and many blows found their way to her body . Yet , even with all the abuse he had thrown at her she never once stopped caring for him , looking after him . I was never once neglected , I was always fed and loved . Something inside of her died though , she became tough and uncaring . The world had shown her that she was on her own . This woman was on twenty - four hour call to look after my father . He stabilized and came home for a while . Nurses and doctors came every day to see how he was doing . Never once did any of them consider the way my mother felt . She was stuck with the stress of a young boy and an ill husband . The worst times were at night . We could hear him downstairs , his breathing laboured and heavy . She would stay awake all night listening to him breathing , hoping that he would make the night . Sometimes she would try to read me a bedtime story , but he would scream up the stairs . She phoned her friend , a local doctor , who intervened . The problem was solved . I remained at home with my mother , and my father went back to the hospice . Soon thereafter , I had just come back from a school trip . Surprisingly , my mother did not come to collect me from school as she normally did . She sent one of her few friends from the village . I had no idea what I was doing here . This lady was kind and comforting , but I longed to see my mother again . I wanted her to tell me that things would be alright . I felt panic rising in my gut . Hours passed , darkness fell , and I wondered what was going on . No one explained . I thanked the lady for giving me a home for a few hours . Wayne looked down and smiled at me . There was something odd about how he looked at me , too . Something was wrong . I didn 't know it then , but my life would be changed forever . " Lori , this is Dr . Tanner again . It 's urgent that I speak with you . Please call me as soon as you receive this message ! " At the same time I was listening to the messages , I had opened my email . There was an email marked urgent , also from Dr . Tanner , giving me both her office number and cell number and asking me to contact her immediately . Whenever the doctor gives you her personal cell number , you know it 's not good . During the previous year , I started noticing I was becoming somewhat unstable on my feet . I was twisting my ankles frequently and stumbling up and down stairs . I put it down to fatigue and just general klutziness , although I 'd never been that way before . In September , I was in the yard after having taken care of the chickens and on my way back to the house I fell . Hard . I had my hands full with some flower pots and I stumbled and went down like a ton of bricks . At this time , I was also very heavy - 290 pounds or so - and that 's a lot of dead weight to have strike the ground . I literally landed on my face as the flower pots went flying yards away . I had gravel rash on my face and my knees and elbows were banged up . I shook it off and came into the house to sit down and ice my twisted ankle . I put it down to the general klutziness I had been experiencing more and more frequently . A few days later , I developed a headache . I shrugged it off as a delayed reaction to the fall and I took some Tylenol . After a week or so of no relief , I made a doctor 's appointment . I had no insurance and not a lot of money coming in , so this was a big decision . My doctor suggested I had incurred whiplash from the fall and recommended a chiropractor . Again , not being covered by insurance , chiropractic visits would need to come out of my ever - shrinking bank account . I saw the chiropractor twice and had no results ; in fact , my headaches were getting worse . Surely , it must have been trauma from that fall and if I was careful , it would resolve on its own . My doctor had given me a prescription for Vicodin which I was taking regularly with limited relief . Around the same time , I received an email from an astute , young Englishman who wanted to know more about the American healthcare system . I had been commenting on a political page on the internet and something I said piqued his interest . I felt quite passionately about the subject at the time - I had suffered this persistent headache for several weeks by this time , but due to my financial circumstances , I was resisting returning to the doctor . We had several email exchanges and there was something about this guy that fascinated me . He was highly intelligent and well spoken , and he had this hunger for knowledge and general curiosity which I really appreciated . His emails frequently started , " Tell me more about … . " and he eagerly absorbed the information I gave him and formulated more hypotheses and potential political solutions . Not only was he intelligent and friendly , he was incredibly respectful and polite . I liked him . I really liked him . When I discovered early on he was only twenty - two years old , I kept my feelings at arm 's length and intended to take him under my wing as an adopted younger brother . As I was to discover , my growing feelings were not to be kept at bay , however . My headaches continued and were becoming more than just annoying . I was popping Vicodin like M & Ms especially at night to help me sleep and dull the pounding . Over several weeks , I noticed I had to stop cross stitching , my favorite hobby , because my eyes were becoming very fatigued and I couldn 't see well , even with the help of reading glasses . I put it down to the pain of the headaches causing discomfort in my eyes . What I didn 't realize is my vision was beginning to fail . As October became November , I was chatting daily to Nick online . It became a habit and I began to anticipate seeing him sign into chat . When I saw " Nick is online " pop up on my screen and heard the ding of the notification , I always smiled and got that giddy butterfly tummy feeling . I felt like a silly high school girl again . I realized my feelings for him were deepening , but I continued to view him as a young man to whom I could impart my wisdom ( such as it is ) and guide on the path of life . I was still married , afterall , despite feeling it was in name only . We continued to talk politics and public policy and he educated me on British politics , of which I was completely ignorant . He slowly gave me some details about his life . He portrayed himself as a happy - go - lucky chap without a real care in the world . November passed relatively uneventfully , except the daily headaches were starting to take a toll on my sanity and my vision continued to decline . My Vicodin use was approaching Dr . House - like levels . I looked so forward to my daily conversations with Nick . They became the bright spot in my day , and I complained to him about how badly I was feeling and my frustration as to why this damn headache wasn 't going away . " Lori , this has been going on for too long . Why don 't you go back to the doctor ? I think something might really be wrong . " I could feel his concern coming through the chat window . " I 'm sure it 's nothing , Nick , " I said , sweeping my own concern under the carpet in my denial of what I really thought was going on . " It has to go away sooner or later . Anyway , you know this isn 't England . We don 't have free NHS like you lucky buggers over there . " " See ? Why don 't you look into it ? " he prodded . " I hate hearing you feeling so down . It 's no fun being ill . Besides , you haven 't been yourself . " Even in a few short weeks of chatting , he could see a marked difference in me . My most disappointing days were when I was in too much pain or my vision was too bad to actually sit at the computer . I retired to bed with a cloth over my eyes and my Vicodin bottle … . and missed him . Unlike Gene , he seemed to really care . The beginning of December came and I was still in daily , increasing pain , my vision was getting worse , and my balance was being affected . I realized it when I was walking from the computer room into the kitchen , a journey of about seventy - five feet , and I got so dizzy I walked into the wall . I thought it was because I hadn 't eaten much - afterall , I was going into the kitchen because I was hungry ! The dizziness waned that day , but continued to worsen in duration and severity over the next few weeks . About two weeks before Christmas I woke up from sleep and felt absolutely dreadful . The moment I moved from a supine position , I felt instantly and overwhelmingly nauseous . I barely made it to the toilet before wretching . Of course , the action of vomiting felt like it split my head wide open . " Great , I have the flu on top of all this , " I thought . As much as I wanted to deny it , a niggling reality would not be ignored . " I want a divorce ! I want a divorce ! " he had screamed at me the night before . Things had been getting bad between us for a few years and I had let things slide the last few months due to not feeling well . The house was a mess , the laundry piling up , I didn 't cook like I used to . Sex had been out of the question . He couldn 't grasp I wasn 't just being lazy - I really felt seriously ill . He couldn 't , or wouldn 't , hear it . There was no quality communication between us anymore . Perhaps there really never had been . I vomited multiple times a day for several days , each time feeling like an axe was splitting my head open , trying to eat soup and saltines and make it all go away . After a week , I knew that I had to go back to the doctor . I made an appointment for the next day , still insistent I had the flu and just needed an anti - viral and of course , more Vicodin . I couldn 't walk on my own from the car to the doctor 's office . Remember how you felt as a kid after spinning around and trying to walk ? Add the worst migraine you can imagine and that was close to how it felt . Gene , whom I had requested drive me , helped me into the office . Ah , yes , an MRI . I knew an MRI was in the cards and I had no idea how I would afford it . The coffers were approaching empty . We were already rationing food and eating our own chickens ' eggs as a staple . How do I get an MRI ? I came home and contacted a radiology center in a city about an hour away . " Hi , " I said casually . " I suspect I may have a brain tumor and I need an MRI but I have no insurance . What is your cash payment rate for a scan ? " A hardship grant ! One thing I can do is write a good letter , so I sat down with my aching head , my poor vision , my puking guts , and my now weakening right hand and typed up a letter detailing the history of my symptoms and our financial situation . I pleaded for help . I faxed it off and waited . " That 's good , isn 't it ? " he said . " But , I guess that means she thinks you have a problem ? " His concern and fear came through , even in a chat window . " I sent a letter to the radiology place . They might be able to get me a reduced price on the scan , " I explained . " Otherwise , it will be a fortune . " " I know . I wish you could , too , " I said . I wished I were in England for more than just an MRI . " I 'm sure they 'll come up with something . " " Anyway , I know it 's probably nothing serious , " I tried to reassure both of us . " I still wonder if I just knocked something out of whack with that fall a few months ago . " I knew that was bullshit . I wanted to reassure him that I would be fine , that it would be nothing and I 'd be right as rain soon . I don 't think I was too convincing , however . I felt his ( ( ( ( hugs ) ) ) ) through the chat window as if he was really there . I missed him . I wanted him there taking care of me since Gene was doing the bare minimum and grudgingly at that . I wanted Nick 's love . About two hours later , I received a phone call from the director of the radiology center . My hardship request had been approved at 100 % coverage . No payment required . Free ! ! She booked me in for an appointment the next morning . That morning , I woke up , did my now requisite wretching , and asked Gene to help me dress as I was so off balance I couldn 't even put on my jeans . He helped me and perhaps was now just realizing how bad off I really was . He had to put on and tie my shoes also as I couldn 't bend over because of the pain . I gathered my purse and a puke bag for the car - just in case . The hour drive down winding mountain roads , in a vehicle with hard suspension , just about did me in . I vomited several times before reaching the radiology center and was so wobbly when I arrived , I needed to take the elevator to the second floor . I was holding onto Gene for dear life as I couldn 't even stand on my own . The technician came to take me back for the MRI and fortunately he was a big guy as he needed to help me down the corridor and onto the table . As he helped me sit on the edge of the platform , I pitched forward because I was so dizzy . Thankfully , his 6 ' 2 ″ , very muscular frame kept me from ending up on the floor . I 'm not sure I could have gotten up if I had fallen over . As sick as I was , I was feeling very positive . I knew this would show the problem and everything would be OK . The MRI lasted thirty or forty minutes as I lay there , trying not to move . I knew the importance of clear pictures and I was determined , despite my dizziness and overwhelming nausea , to have a clear scan . It was another hour of the same winding , mountain roads on the way home , and while Gene was showing some compassion at this point and driving as gently as he could , I was still vomiting every ten minutes or so . I believe he really started to understand the gravity of my situation at this point . He became the Gene I used to know - loving and caring and concerned . It was a welcome change from the last few years of derision and belittlement I had felt from him , but I knew my heart was already elsewhere . It was too late . |
Today , there are two giveaways in blogland . I did not see slugmama 's giveaway until today , and it 's been up for a week . Well , I was under the weather and sleeping lots . I wonder what else I missed . Go HERE to see the goodies in her Boring Box for the winner . There is nail polish ! Sonya Anne at A Mom , Money and More is having a giveaway with lots of ways to enter . You can get a $ 25 Amazon Gift Code . Yes , that is $ 25 ! Go over there and enter multiple times with the opportunities she has posted . She has gone off to Vegas , so let 's surprise her with a gazillion entries . I collected two eggs today . During my nap , I had scary dream that I forgot . When I went to the free lunch , I brought home a plate of leftovers for the hens - - chicken breast , salad with tomatoes , two sliced of bell pepper , bread crusts , baked beans . They were happy hens ! Today was a hard day but fruitful . My friend came to help clean up kitchen floor from stuff . She was able to stand in a chair and replace two burned bulbs in the ceiling fan . It is so bright in there now . Then , I went to the lunch . In order to tutor , I had to take a nap . The starter and fluorescent bulb in the laundry room quit about a month ago . I bought the starter and bulb . However , exbf does not know how to change them . I do , but could not work over my head and twist to do the job . So , my friend changed those and there is light in the laundry room . NOW , I need to take two lamps to be rewired . It has been less than enough light enough in my house . Before now , I could change all bulbs and chargers by myself ! The boy tutee likes me now . Before , he did not dislike me , he was just sort of annoyed . His whole attitude changed once he understood two step problems . Ex : 2y - 1 = 5 He said he could not understand the way it was taught at school or the way anyone else has taught him . Then , we had a go at poetry explication . English is my field , so that made me feel all melty inside . Yesterday , I hung out three night gowns I washed yesterday because I was too tired to do more . Then , today I hung out towels and washcloths . Since rain is expected , I hung the towels long ways onto the line . The towels dry faster that way in a pinch . The rest of the wet clothes may go into the dryer . I forgot - - yesterday , I hung out a whole line of panties I had washed . The rest of the towels and dishcloths and such will go into the dryer since there will be rain tomorrow . . The starter and fluorescent bulb in the laundry room quit about a month ago . I bought the starter and bulb . However , exbf does not know how to change them . I do , but could not work over my head and twist my body to look up do the job . So , my friend changed those while she was here , and there is light in the laundry room . NOW , I need to take two lamps to be rewired . There has been less than enough light enough in my house . Before now , I could change all bulbs and chargers by myself ! The crockpot and too many pounds of chicken breast are awaiting me . At least I will be able to see what I am doing . When I freeze these , there will be enough frozen , cooked chicken to last for a month even if I eat a breast each day . Raise your hand if you are going over to Sonya 's place and enter her giveaway . Tell her I sent you . Do you like algebra / math ? Did you ever tutor math ? Tutor English ? Posted by I did not ask them , but I caught them crossing the road . When I left to go tutor I was late because the mother called me and made me late leaving . The chickens were just at the point they could step with one step to the side neighbor 's yard . I stopped at the mailbox to shoo them back . Of course , I should know better because Maggie May ran up to my car in the road . I threw sticks to encourage them to try to escape me and go nearer to the house . An hour later , I came down the street and there were two pretty hens in the middle of the road . They ran across the street to another neighbor 's yard . I parked and gave them a shrill " Dee Lie Lah ! It only took once . They ran to the road and stopped , stepping off and walking . I stood in the yard with open mouth as they looked both ways continually . I am amazed that they seemed to know to watch for traffic . This makes me wonder how often they cross the road unbeknownst to me . Still , I don 't know why they crossed the road unless it was to find a new flower garden to scratch and peck , probably destroying it in the process . Your turn After spending about four days , maybe more , sleeping from 12 hours to 18 hours each day , I awoke Sunday feeling much better . There had been a huge knot in my very sore throat for a week or more . Both eardrums were hurting . The tinnitus was sooo annoying . Every day I said I was going to the doctor , but I held on and beat it . Actually , I did not feel like getting ready to go to the doctor . Of course , I did very little otherwise . But , I noticed everything I had to do is still here . The few hours I was awake each day were to tutor the boy and Wednesday when exbf was here . He is accustomed to my just going to bed when he is here and knows I am really ill , not just lazy . But , the walking pneumonia ( or something ) is still with me in the form of a purr when I breathe . At least the doctor won 't be treating a horrible sore throat . You know , they always have to look at the throat and gag you with that stick down the throat . Then the doctor will see my poor eardrums . My iris have all bloomed , even ones I planted last fall . My white wisteria on the wall looks pretty , but the purple on the back fence is not blooming . My yard is filled with bumblebees . For years I was terrified of bumblebees , but they seem to ignore me . The problem is I noticed some hornets . Hopefully , they came from someone else 's yard . The hens gave me two eggs Sunday . I dreamed , something about sticks . Four years ago today , our town was ripped apart by a tornado . I don 't think I have ever been so frightened . My life went from peaceably stirring something on the stove to heart - pounding , ear - pounding , adrenalin - pushed dash for my life . I was faint and frightened , so I leaned against the bathroom wall . The was vibrating . Only at that point did I scream . There was damage to my house , but I was on the edge of the destruction . Less than 750 feet away , whole structures were destroyed . There is a basement I could have gone into , but I have to go outside to enter it . So , I would have been outdoors in the midst of it all . I heard there were tornadoes headed this way , How long has walking pneumonia hung on for you or someone you know ? Have you ever been in a tornado ? As I left to go to tutor , the chickens came from back to front yard as I got into the car . They moved a little faster when they saw me . When I backed out and turned to drive away , they stopped dead still as if in disbelief . " She just left us home alone . " When I returned in an hour , I did not see them . However , they materialized when I stepped from the car . They were begging in a funny voice . So , I said , " Come on . " They know these words mean food . Maggie May and Thelma disappeared after about four steps . I turned to look behind me and they weren 't there . When I turned to continue , Maggie May was standing sideways as close to my toes as she could be without touching me . Then , Thelma came beside me . I cannot for the life of me figure out how they can disappear and reappear . I am not that feeble - minded yet . As I ascended the steps , they came right behind me . I left the door open just because . I walked across the room and turned in time to see Maggie May already further inside than she had ever come before , almost to the ottoman . She stopped and looked at my bed . " No ! " She hopped onto the ottoman where I had placed my purse as I came in . I froze . She quickly jumped over my purse , then flew over my chair , landing behind it . Now , my chair is not against a wall . She looked around and decided to go into the bathroom . I stepped toward her and she stepped away , closer to the bathroom . I straddled her , sort of trapping her between my legs / feet . I bent to get her and she was faster and ran between my legs and toward the kitchen . She got past the refrigerator , about 12 feet into the kitchen . Maggie May was skittish the whole time . I think she thought she was headed to the door when she turned to the kitchen . I talked nicely and caught her . She was unceremoniously dumped outside the door . She turned back as if she wanted to come in again . I give them bread for a snack once in a while . I closed the door and went to get bread . When I came back out , Maggie May was talking to me from the railing , having claimed Thelma 's spot of priDo your chickens or llamas or goats or spotted horses want to come inside ? Posted by Tuesday night , I actually slept two hours . My friend , the child 's mother , wanted to come here to help me as soon as the dripped her children off at the three schools . I let her come at her convenience , so I was awakened by her call saying she was on her way . I stood for thirty minutes as she helped me by tossing what needed tossing and vacuuming . She did the bending , thankfully . The chickens were released but not fed because I did not want to climb the steps even once to get food . When she left , I got in bed still dressed and tried to get 45 more minutes of sleep . I didn 't . When exbf came , he said the hens were in the front yard , but they followed him to the back door . So , I asked him to get a dirty paper plate and put oats on them to feed them . I as still lying down when he opened the door back obscuring my view of him . " Oh , NO ! " He sounded distressed . I heard him make a loud noise , a start from a surprise . I heard his cane knocking around on the door or wherever . The step out the back door is about ten inches . With his hips being so fragile , he cannot endure a fall out the door onto concrete . I hurried the few feet and looked around the door . He was standing . " Maggie May launched herself from the railing ! " He had not fallen . Maggie May had jumped at the paper plate to get oats . You can imagine how that worked out . Now , the cup or less of oats were all over the floor inside ! I just left the door open and allowed both hens in to clean the floor . Exbf looked when they left and was amazed . " They did a really good job ! " Plus , they did not poop on my floor . They saved that for the steps and exbf walked it into the house . sigh . I sprinkled DE over the initial pile and over the poop walked up the steps . The million flies on the eight or so places left after I sprinkled DE . I was exhausted by the time I needed to go tutor . So , I napped . My 45 - minute nap really refreshed me before tutoring . However , the short nap wore off fast . Today , the boy tutee finished the fourth of five projects for art - - draw an elephant upside down . So , he did . When our time was almost over , he assured me her could do the other one tonight to have all five sketches ready for class tomorrow . He has a 33 in Art at this point . We , exbf and I , ate at the church dinner tonight . I had lots of scraps for the hens - - corn chips , tomato , lettuce , shredded cheese , and green onions . Maggie May and Thelma ate eagerly . While I took the short nap , exbf used the weed eater so I could get to the clothes line without walking in knee - high weeds and grass . I love it when he comes on Wednesday so I don 't have to cook . However , I did cook , still cooking boneless , skinless chicken breasts . I sent home a hen I cooked , minus most of the breast . He brings back what is left for the hens . THEN , I took an hour nap while I was waiting for exbf to call and tell me he was home safely . I really think I will sleep soundly tonight . Your turn Do you have animals that will clean your floor ? Have you left go of valued stuff when you lost the vision momentarily and realized stuff had to go and could be gotten later if the vision returned ? Was your day tiring or boring , or was it restful or exciting Posted by Last night , I had a doozy of a dream . I was in a very cold climate that had many feet of snow and polar bears . I don 't have any idea where this place was located . The house had a porch across the back . My next younger sister was there . Why ? Who knows . She was looking out the back window and told me in a hushed tone to " come look . " Or , maybe I was the one looking out the window . Whichever one of who was summoned to the window got too close to the window , attracting the bears . The huge polar bear with her cubs started coming toward the house . We both shrieked a quiet little shriek and tried to run , padding quietly through the house . We both knew that bear could rip off windows or doors . I remember wishing I had a gun , so we must not have had one . The bear tore off the back door . We could hear her rummaging through cabinets for food . We were terrified the bear would keep coming through doors and get to us , so we lay quietly in one bed , covered up . It was frigid and we were petrified . Then , all of a sudden my sister was gone . I was shivering . Then , I awoke shivering and desperate to go to the bathroom . I was awake , shivering , and afraid to go to the bathroom . When I finally went to the bathroom , wide awake , I tried to be quiet so the bear would not hear me . I put a third blanker over me when I finally got back in bed without the bear eating me . I covered up my head and went back to sleep . I have no idea where this dream came from . My tutee made copies of what he had to draw for art and spent the next hour drawing a cherry . Before we got inside , I had him carry the math book I brought . I mentioned it was so heavy because it was the teacher 's edition of the student 's math book . He was so serious as he sort of chuckled and said , " This book is starting to scare me . " I have no idea why the teacher 's book would scare him , so I chuckled , too . Maggie May gave me an egg today . I price - matched California strawberries - - $ 1 . CA strawberries are the best ! The AL strawberries I have tasted are nasty . I am off to wash , slice , anHow did your day go ? Any weird " animals are going to eat me " dreams ? Posted by I have committed myself to tutoring a teen boy every day after school for the rest of the school year . Today was the first day . He brought nothing to show me where he was in math or English . No , he left those books somewhere , school or home . No , none of it was on the computer issued from the school . No , he had written nothing down anywhere , ever , EVER . This is all for the child who was held back twice . The first time , it was the teacher 's idea because he was immature . BAD IDEA ! The second time had something to do with family life and moving in the middle of the year . As it turned out , I found things on his Blackboard program that he swore were not there . Lots of shoulder - shrugging and smiles . GRRRRR He was shocked I could use Blackboard . You know us old fuddy - duddies are not quite up with technology . Yes , I am the most patient tutor you have ever seen . He got one of five sketches finishd for an Art project due on Friday . sigh When his mother came in , I told her what he lacked for me to help him . She assured me it would be with him tomorrow . He knows : 2x = 6 And , he sees no reason to learn to divide both sides of the equal sign by 2 . Well , the one I will bring him to work tomorrow will not be so easy . I had just bought the $ 54 drill when his mother who is helping me for 30 minutes each week uncovered my drill , bits , and special extension cord . So , that money regained has been very helpful for my finances . It will all work out ! He will pass and go into 8th grade next year . Well , the goal is to get him into ninth grade where he belongs . Your turn I have a very nice neighbor around the block . He takes my garbage to the road each week and carries the recycling out when he sees it is full . One milk jug in the recycling bin is not worth hauling the container to the road , so he does not take it out every week . He hauled my 9 hibiscus trees from the basement this summer and has done various little things that are large things to me . He is the one who will feed my hens on occasion . He grew up with a chicken house with 10 , 000 broilers , so he is accustomed to chickens . He gets my hens ' eggs when he does feed them . I also regularly share eggs with him . Now that he has his nephew , his wife , and child living there temporarily , he will use eggs much faster than before . He has a group of young people , a religious group not associated with any church , that meets at his house . Several times when they have met , I have taken cookies , sheet cake or brownies to his house beforehand . Sometimes , I just take stuff and figure he can give them away , eat them , or freeze them until they come over . I use a brownie mix that I purchase for pennies . No more . There are about a dozen cake mixes in my kitchen , gotten free . I don 't need to eat them , don 't even particularly like some of the flavors , and cannot seem to give them away . Okay , most are some flavor of chocolate . . . lol . . . and I would like those to stay here . On the internet there are recipes for making cookies from cake mixes . But , I cannot stand up very long to drop cookies onto a cookie sheet . So , I decided I would see if there were recipes for making brownies from cake mixes . Well , it turns out there are simple and complicated recipes . I am going for a simple recipe . As I read another page , it seems this will work for strawberry cake mix , just any flavor . Of course , add - ins like chocolate chips or raisins or nuts work , too . Some of the recipes have fourteen ingredients and start with a cake mix . ? ? ? Not for me ! Oh , he did make the remark after I gave them a frosted sheet cake and apologized for the horrid looking icing that they were " more cookie and brownie people " . . . lol . I can handle that . I think he thought the sheet cake was harder than cookies or brownies . Your turn I had to memorize the first two stanzas of The Ride of Paul Revere by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow . So , I always remember the date and story . " One if my land , two if by sea ; and I on the opposite shore will be . . . " These two lines above are probably the most famous . The rest of the poem , published in 1861 , is equally enthralling to me . I m eternally grateful to my teachers for assignments that required me to memorize poetry and prose like the Preamble to the Constitution . Only one egg today . The hens have been frustrated because I have had no oats for the last four days . So , last night , I purchased whole grains oats . Today , they are happy . Your turn Did you have to memorize portions of this poem when you were in grade school ? Mybe you are not a fan of Longfellow ? What is your favorite poem he wrote ? Do children memorize for school assignments ? Last night , I had a weird dream . There was something wrong with a tooth on the bottom , left part of my jaw . I thought something was wedged between my teeth . I was eating something really soft , so there was a moment of puzzlement as I got the soft food either swallowed or spat out . I examined the plastic fork I was using only to find all the tines intact . Using my tongue to feel did not reveal the problem . I tried to pull out whatever it was keeping my mouth from closing even as it wiggled freely . This dream seemed to go on forever . Going to the bathroom mirror I saw the problem . As it turned out , my tooth had split top to bottom , leaving a wiggly splinter still in the gum and attached at the bottom . I was just horrified . This had happened to a top , right side tooth about 20 years ago . Why did I dream this ? These three reasons might explain the dream . This is the first tooth dream ever . It rains every day ! The grass is never dry enough to mow ! The grass and weeds get higher by the minute . I guess it is good for crops , but I think they can get waterlogged with too much rain . This is sort of long , but important information if you care about what is in your food and where it comes from . So , take all weekend to read it if you are busy . This information bothers me . Posted by My oldest child was born at 11 : 04 am this day , April 16 , 1968 . ( I think it was 11 : 04 am . ) I am shocked I am the mother of a person who is 47 - years - old ! Hmmm , the puppies above look like the puppy I got free at a garage sale . My son named him " Puppy . " Well , maybe he did not name him , but " Puppy " was just sort of the default name for her . The trees are blooming , so most things around here are yellow . That means my sinuses and lungs suffer . Plus , citrus needs to disappear in my house , even the Halos , sweet little Halos . Sunday night , as I got out of the car , I almost fell . There are several stones next to the driveway , put there about five years ago to define the space . When I ran out of stones or back , forgot which , I just ended up with stones too far apart to be useful or decorative . There is a limb on the passenger side that might fall on the car , so I parked to the far side of the driveway where the rocks are located . Luckily , I was still holding onto the car door as I slipped on the rock , sliding all over and hurting my knee already injured knee . . Then , last night I came from the car to the side door . At the edge of the front yard there is a step into the back yard that is defined by a concrete step . It was pitch dark , so I missed the step . I stepped too far to the front of the step and too far to the right , which landed the corner of the step right in the middle of my foot . Slipping off was so painful to the middle of my foot , plus it plummeted me forward and to the right . I went careening into a bush wet from the recent rain . Yes , it hit my face and glasses and wet my hair and clothing . Since I was going forward , I was slightly bent like the cartoon characters fighting to walk against the wind . As I stumbled through the bush , I picked up a bit of speed , enough to make me run bent for about 12 feet before I managed to stop myself as I carried groceries and my purse . Thankfully , I had on shoes instead of sandals . I have lived here since 1977 and have never missed that step . That was sort of scary , but once I stopped , I started laughing aloud . The neighbors must wonder about my laughing all alone in the yard . Yes , I know I should have light there . The plan was to paint a yellow strip along the step so I could see it going and coming . Or , I could paint a white strip . Plus , I need solar lawn lights . I have solar lawn light , just need to put the bYour turn Do you have a hazard in your yard that you finally managed to hit just right ? Or one that gets you all the time ? Do you keep all your spices out of the light to preserve their effectiveness ? A man was selling plants from the back of his pickup truck . Everything was $ 1 a pack . I got three zucchini plants for $ 1 . I thought that was a good deal . I am planting different varieties to see which I like . Of course , I have never seen a zucchini I did not like . Another follower furnished me with a camp shower , the five - gallon black bag that is hung in the sun to heat up . It has a little hose with turn off so a person can wet down , turn it off , soap up , then turn it on and rinse . I can certainly make good use of this . At least I can get the sweat off each day ! Thanks ! I had an unintended relaxing drive in the country when I made a wrong turn . The only reason I was not stressed to the max is I had driven this road thirty - years ago and remember it . Then , my friend allowed me to rinse a load of black pants . I just give them a rinse with half a cup of vinegar to freshen them . I hang the good black pants in the house . The raggedy or overly faded ones are hung outside . However , with all the pollen in my yard , I may just avoid irritating my allergies and hang all of them in the house . I was able to price - match Halos , regularly $ 6 . 97 for three pounds . I paid $ 2 . 99 , a much better price , in my opinion . Three pounds of chicken tenders , cooked in the crockpot , are ready to put in the freezer . I think these will make a delicious salad topping . Your turn Have you ever used a camp shower ? Any tips ? Will it work to put all three of those zucchini plants is the same five - gallon bucket ? Have you price - matched anything lately ? What was it ? Posted by Since I started trying to lower my tech bills , I have reduced my costs but not enough . The home phone cost was replaced by MagicJack . Twelve months for $ 20 suits me better than the exorbitant monthly phone bill for just the basics . I cannot remember what I saved . about $ 45 unless you remember better than I do . An outdoor antenna that cost me $ 100 cut out the monthly bill of $ 50 for the tv . These replacements occurred last year . . That leaves me with the cell phone and wifi . I cannot escape from the cell bill without penalties . Actually , I like ATT much better since I only have the cell charge with them . Getting wifi more cheaply is my goal right now . Free wifi is my goal . Lots of places have free wifi , so I want to be able to connect to one of those . One employee said I needed a range extender . No ! I brought it home but it is only to make your wifi reach to the yard or from on end of the house to the other . That went back to the store . So , the popular answer to my question is , " What you want does not exist . " I asked a young man in WM who I could ask for the answer I want . He said , " Nerds , find a nerd . " Where can I find a nerd or maybe a nest of them ? He suggested BAM . I went to the electronics dept and asked a young man were I could find nerds . He opened his mouth , snapped it shut and jerked around , " You mean candy or people ? People ! The person he suggested was at lunch . So , I came back by the electronics dept in 30 minutes and just waited . In the meantime another young man asked what I needed . I told him . The name suggested walked up behind him , " Wifi catcher . That 's what you need . " I was so shocked that in tech stores no one knew . Only one tech person in WM knew ! I really hate it when people tell me that a certain technology does not exist . Well , I just knew I was not the only person near a Burger King or whatever and want to get their free signal . So I knew it must exist . Now , I am looking for Wifi Catcher . My computer , MagicJack , and printer all use wifi . There are so many I am confused as to what I need . Isn 't that always the way ? This is all about the money , saving money to be exact . There is no way to get computer , phone , and printer close to the laptop so I won 't need wifi . Your turn Although the raccoons are long gone , I think they hang around here . One day , I gathered about 100 plastic forks and knives to wash them . Even though they are disposable , I cannot bear to toss them . So , I was going to wash for reuse . I did not get around to washing them after a good soak in a dishpan outdoors . The next morning , about six of the utensils were scattered around on the ground . Hmmm . Well , I put them back in . I left them another day to see what would happen . Next morning , utensils were on the ground . As I was near the trash can about ten feet from there , I spotted something shiny . It was one of my set of stainless utensils that my mother gave me forty years ago . I almost lost a spoon , a cereal spoon . After this happening for three days , I have decided raccoons are coming to the water and fishing around in it . As I related this to a young man who has a farm , he said they take his tools all the time . He searches for tools he left in his barn and just gives up . He said he will find a bunch of his lost tools all together where a raccoon has gathered and saved them . I know dogs and cats steal things , but I never thought of raccoons as collecting items , mostly shiny from what I hear . Traffic Ticket Sprouts Farmer 's Market has a special this week . Today , the ads for the past and future week are valid . Tuesday night , I went to WM to take advantage of ads that would not be valid today from other stores . Plus , I used the double ad Wednesday deal from Sprouts . I shopped judiciously and went to pay for my food . Everything was bagged and in the electric cart . No checks in the checkbook ! ! ! Since I had chicken in the bags , they insisted they would put my cart in the cooler . Last night was foggy . My windows were steaming up inside . Windshield wipers were necessary . As I pulled onto a narrow street in a business district , I moved to the center of the street because I could see nothing out of the right part of the windshield . I was going about 10 mph , creeping to avoid hitting anything . There are huge metal utility constructions placed in the road where cars park . I did not want to hit one of those ! As I turned the corner , blue lights appeared . They gave me a warning for driving in the middle of the street . In the meantime , they discovered I had not gotten the little stickers for my tag . I was shocked . The guy was really nice and asked me if I knew the tag expired . I told him that I had walking pneumonia for the past several months , and I did not know much . I wonder how much this will cost me ? I still think I was being cautious as I was driving and fighting to clear the windshield ! I only got a warning . I know not to drive in the middle of the street , but this was two blocks that are practically abandoned after five o ' clock pm . Your turn Did you ever lose something and hated to replace it so you just kept looking or hoping it would surface ? That is what happened to me a year ago with my drill . Since I plant my " garden " in 3 - and 5 - gallon buckets , I needed my drill last year to drill holes in buckets . The older buckets with drain holes had cracked or run away or something . Not one person I knew had a drill . Okay , I did not ask every person I know , but those I asked did not have a drill . Exbf has never owned a drill . So , I had no tomato plants last year . I think I did germinate tomato seeds . Saturday , I was drill shopping at WM . I told the young man that the only way I would find my drill would be to buy a new one . Today , I found my 3 / 8 " drill and all the drill bits and screw bits and a long extension cord . Sooo , I can take the drill back to WM . That is $ 54 I saved . The drill I found was won long ago . The local hardware called me and told me I won a drill . I thanked the woman , hung up and called the hardware store to see if this was a big joke . Nope . I won the drill . The only woman who worked there drew my name while a circle of men watched . She said they were all very disgusted a woman had won ! The first time I tried to use it , I realized there must be a secret I did not know . I was sitting in the den floor trying to put the legs on a round piece of wood to make a table . Just then a guy I knew knocked on the door and came in . He laughed at me , sitting there with four wobbly table legs in the air . He laughed even harder when I told him there was something wrong . He explained as he used the drill that I had to press on the screw to make it go into the wood . It seems drills just go around and don 't help with the pushing . Yes , I know all of you are laughing , too . After the embarrassment and red cheeks were gone , I laughed at me , too . Your turn We don 't have that ? Who does ? I don 't know . Why aren 't you happy with " good ? " I would be . That seems to be a good thing . Look , when the teacher puts an " A " on your paper , you want to know where the " A " is on the number scale . Is it between 90 - - 100 ? Is it between 95 and 100 ? Why do you need to know all that ? Well , if I get an A on a paper , I want to know exactly how I stand . Am in danger of slipping off into B territory and need to try harder , or am I a good solid 99 and doing well . I feel this way about the bone density test - - might the next test be worse and I could do something immediately to keep from fall from good to whatever . I don 't want to wait for several years to find I was very near to osteoporosis now . So , she sent if to me . I read it and saw red . RED ! The information on me states : previous smoker ! There is no way a person could misunderstand " NO " never smoked , dipped or chawed . The tech for the bone density test asked me all the questions instead of allowing me to fill out the paper myself . Maybe she did it on her computer . You know I made a call . I called and asked to speak to my doctor 's nurse because I had a question . Of course , I knew she would have to call me back . The receptionist asked me what question I wanted to ask . Mmmm , " none of your business . " Seriously , I did not want to discuss this with her . I have never had a receptionist ask me what I wanted to ask the nurse . Actually , I told the receptionist that it was several questions that probably I just needed to talk to the nurse . Well , his nurse did not come to the phone . Probably weary of questions . The other nurse did not understand . I had to repeat it which made me testy . She said they would change the information . I asked for it to be mailed . She asked me why I needed a second document . So I can make sure the information is corrected ! Things like this have happened to me more than once in my 50 + years of going to the doctor as an adult . I heard a doctor right outside the exam room talking into a phone which someone transcribed . I went flying out of the room and corrected the doctor . It is a good thing I had finished dressing . another time , I was given someone 's prescription and got to the car before I realized it was not mine . I suppose it is not important . She put down I was 5 ' 7 " when I always say " five feet seven and a half inches . " Okay , Tell me about doctor mistakes in your records . My mistake in this record might not be life - threatening . But , the next time might ! Today , two girls , nineteen and twenty came to help me clear out the kitchen . They could spend about 2 . 5 hours . However , I gave out after 1 . 75 hours of watching them . My back cannot take that much standing . Actually , I had to stand in the kitchen and tell them where to put things , what to toss , and what was actually something I value . And there were things that I wanted to put in the same box , like my water bath canner and all the loose rings and boxes of lids / flats . It 's progress . It makes me happy . However , I slept only three hours last night . . I awoke very hot . Sooo , I had to use the ac for the first time . I stayed up long enough that I could not sleep . THEN , I tried to sleep around noon , and the girls called me to tell me they were leaving Huntsville and would be here in an hour . Then , I tried to sleep again , but could not . I got lucky today . I forgot to lock up the hens . Actually , I " remembered " locking them up , so I did not go out to check last night . They were busy when I went out to feed them this morning . . Thelma was laying an egg while Maggie May was off pecking and scratching under the pine tree . Tonight , I fed them leftovers from the Wednesday night dinner , collected the two eggs , and left the door open . However , I did remember and went back to shut it . TSC had chicks today when I went in to buy two egg cartons . I had better luck with farm chicks , and they are cheaper . Paying $ 2 . 99 for a chick and being forced to buy six does not sit well with me . So , I will go to the farm and get $ 1 mutts , taking my chances with the sex . I will not give away these cartons , just use them for transporting eggs safely to the person who is getting them . Now , it is bedtime since I have been feeling like I am going to sleep in the car and in the store . Do you have better luck raising store chicks or farm chicks ? Do you ever think you locked the chicks or any door to only discover you were wrong ? ? ? Do you have an inordinate exhaustion come over you for almost no reason ? Fancy is my favorite hen . She is one of the three youngest hens I adopted . Because she is so gentle and friendly , she may be the one I rescued when she was being pecked to death after she could no longer stand . She got to live in the house in a box . Sometimes , I let her sit in my lap while she was convalescing . Now , she comes to sit in the swing with me , cuddling up to my body like a cat or dog . She died in February 2012 . Fancy follows me begging , complaining , needing me to do for her . She talks to me in various voices . She allows me to pick her up and carry her . When she became an adult , her head was a darker red and her body was light brown . Around her neck were tips of black feathers . It appeared she had a necklace of jet around her neck . When I showed this characteristic to a friend , he said , " Oh , you have fancy chickens and plain chickens . " Chessie has a broken toe . I broke it ! She had a habit of jumping really high and almost sticking . A raccoon ate her in October 2009 . Thelma is the blonde . She is also the largest hen and the alpha hen . I suspect the gigantic eggs are from her . She often squats and presents herself to me . She is top hen , but I suspect she knows she had better be deferent to top feeder of the flock - - me . Louise is the auburn - feathered hen . She looks like the true Rhode Island Reds in pictures . She is almost as large as Thelma . Some days I suspect she is trying to be top chicken . When I got Pepper , I found out Louise is the Alpha hen . Pepper came here from the same home as the first four . We were discussing putting red pepper on their food , wondering if it really would increase egg production . Pepper is the only name we agreed on . She is terrorized each day by Louise . Even after the worst was over , she was and is still filled with terror and very wary . Linda is owned by four hens . They allow her to fetch for them . She loves them dearly , so she allows them to boss her around . Linda comes out in the rain to perform chores for them and make sure they have food and water . She begs scraps from all sortsParsimony is not a vegetable Parsimony is extreme care in spending money . Stick around and learn about my random thoughts on accomplishing goals economically - - dumpster diving aka safari , gleaning , do - it - yourself , sewing tips , recipes , and whatever is happening in my life . Okay so maybe " parsimony " is not your thing . How about thrift , frugality or just plain saving money ? I try not to go the tightwad route as that seems to imply others will suffer from my habits . Some of my not - spending habits have very much been a part of my lifelong habits . Other habits are newly acquired and are an extension of my lifelong not - spending habits . I am very imaginative when it comes to substituting or making instead of buying . I will tell you about making a heater for the chickens ' water . Not one dime was spent since I had everything I needed right in my basement . Practicality must rear its head alongside parsimony . For example , I will use the dryer in bad weather or because of allergies in the spring . But , I will not wash clothes in a tub as long as I have a washing machine or can find one . You may hear more about my four Rhode Island Red hens than you care to hear . They lay delicious brown eggs . Pages |
Introduction : Kay 's second chapter of Sgt . J coming into her life The Judgment of Sgt . J " Chapter 2 : Darkness closes in on Kay " After my long shower , I sat in the bathroom thinking about what I had done . It might have been wrong however , it was the only way that I could support my daughter Sherri and myself . I also figured that Cathy would get over it as well . The days turned to weeks and I kept doing what I was . I dressed sexy as possible each day for work and extra sexy on Fridays for Jack and his clients . The money I made in tips was enough to get what we needed . I was also able to start putting money into the bank . I also had become addicted to a few things . One was dressing sexy which I did not only for work but for my everyday life as well . I loved the catcalls I got from men when I walked down the street . I loved to tease as I shopped at the stores . I also took up drinking which will only lead me to problems later in life . My worst addict turned out to be sex . I craved sex and I did not care whether it was with a man or woman . Cathy and I were still having fun together but that was about to change . It was midweek and Cathy was at work while Sherri was in school . It was a lovely day in May with the sun shining brightly . I decided to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things . I slipped on a pair of short shorts , a low cut tank top with a built in bra and a pair of sandals . I made sure you could see plenty of tits both when I bent over or just normal cleavage when standing straight . I drove to the store and parked my car . I no sooner got out of the car than an older man was checking my tits out as I walked by him . I stopped and turned to look at him to find he was still staring at me probably checking out my butt . I smiled at him as I bent over pretending to adjust my sandals . When I did , my tits fell forward in my tank top . I could see down it so I knew he was getting a nice shot of the girls as I bent down . I smiled at him as I turned back around and walked into the store . I stopped to see if he had followed me however , he had not . His loss I thought as I walked up and down the aisles getting what I needed . I decided to get a bottle of wine so I went to the beer and wine section of the store . When I got there , I noticed a man about nineteen or twenty as he was picking up a twelve pack of beer . I went to the wines where I bent over to the bottom self as I did I glanced back at him to see that he was checking my ass . The man moved closer until he was standing next to me . He was pretending to check out the wine however , his eyes were looking down my tank top . I bent over giving him a long hard look at the girls as they hung in my tank top . When I stood back up one of the girls did not return to the inside of my tank top . I looked down at my tit that was hanging out at him . The man was standing there with his mouth hanging open . I scooped my tit back into my tank top as I smiled at him . The man turned a little red in his face then slipped the beer he was holding to the front of his jogging pants . The beer was now hiding his boner from me . I felt my pussy start to twitch and get wet as I stood there . When my pussy did that it meant it needed some cock . I walked over to him until I was right beside him as I said , " If you like I could take care of that for you , " pushing the twelve pack from his boner . I walked a little ways past him then turned back around to him as I added , " Just follow me to my car if your interested , " as I walked to the check out line . The man was in line right behind me . I checked out then went to my car with him in tow . I tossed my stuff into my trunk before I opened my driver door . He was just standing there as I got into my car . The man ran to the passenger side and hopped into my car . He sat his beer down onto the floor of my car . He had no sooner sat the beer down than his hands went to my tits . He was rubbing and squeezing at them with both hands . He finally freed them from my tank top as he pinched my nipples hard between his forefinger and his thumb . As he played with my tits , I ran my hand to his cock . I grabbed at it through his jogging pants . His cock was rock hard and it seemed huge as my hand squeezed at it . I rather pushed his hands from my tits and I leaned over putting my head into his lap . I pulled his jogging pants down over his hard cock . I sat back up quickly when I saw his cock . " I said it was a big fucking dick not that I was afraid of it , " I said . " Come home with me and I will show you , " I added as I started my car . The man smiled and we drove to my house . On the way I told him my name and found out his was Andy . He was a college student attending the local college . He was from Texas , which made sense with a piece of meat like that between his legs . Andy seemed a little shy and he explained he has never gone all the way with a woman before . He told me most women were afraid of his cock , I told him I had never seen one that big in person before but I was not afraid of it . I reached over and gave that hard cock another feel as I drove us to my house . By the time we got there my jean , shorts were wet with my juices . I jumped from my car as I told Andy to follow me . I led him straight to the bedroom , Cathy and mine bedroom that is . I told him to get undressed as I did the same . I turned around after I had removed my clothes to find him standing there naked his huge hard cock dancing in front of him . I pushed him back onto the bed and climbed between his legs . My face was right at his huge cock . I wrapped my hand around it and started to pump my hand up and down it . I added my other hand around it and noticed there was still cock sticking up from both my hands . I started to pump on his cock with both my hands as I thought only ten inches . I lowered my head to his cock and used my tongue to lick at the head of his cock while I pumped at it with my hands . His cock started to leak pre - cum right away . I should say his pre - cum flowed from the head of his cock . I licked at it as it did , as I love the taste of it . I took his dick head into my mouth and sucked at it getting all of his pre - cum that flowed from it . His cock was long but not very thick . It also curved upward about half way up his cock . I started to slowly work my head up and down his cock . I kept bobbing my head up and down on his cock working more of it into my mouth . I almost had it all in my mouth when I felt like I was going to choke . I removed my mouth from his cock wiping his trailing pre - cum from my lips as I caught my breath . I climbed on top of him and placed his cock at my wet pussy . I slid down onto about half of it then back up it . I was soon sliding my pussy up and down his cock working more of it up inside me each time . I finally got it all up inside of my pussy . I sat there on top of him grinding my pussy back and forth on his huge cock . I leaned forward as I started to fuck his cock . Andy 's hand went to my tits then he kissed and sucked at them as I rode his cock like a wild woman . His hand went to my butt pulling me up and down on his cock . That curve in his cock was rubbing against my special spot . Pure pleasures started to course through my body . My eyes rolled up into my head as my eyes went shut . The world seemed to have stopped as I tingled all over my body . I felt my pussy sucking at his cock as Andy slammed me back down on it . His cock pressing against the back wall of my pussy when he did . Andy 's cock swelled in my pussy then jerked as cum splashed deep in my pussy . My own pussy twitched and my juices squirted from it splashing onto his stomach . I had three or four strong orgasm as he filled my pussy full of cum from his huge cock . I collapsed onto him wrapping my arms around his neck . I lie like that coming back down to earth from my best orgasm ever . His cock slipped from my pussy as his cum ran out in chunks . I rolled from him to see his cum was still running out and down my thighs . I also saw that there was a wet spot on the bed by his legs . My pussy was still twitching from his cock as his cum poured from it . I was about to tell him his cock was the greatest when I heard . I looked to see her standing by the bed with her hands on her hips . Andy shot from the bed grabbing his clothes as he ran from the room . I got up onto my knees and as I did , my pussy left out a loud long pussy fart spilling the rest of his cum from my pussy . I heard our front door slam as I got off the bed . I ran out to see that Andy had taken off and I did not blame him as Cathy was pissed . Cathy came out and she told me I had better get those man juices off those sheets and the smell of man from her bedroom . I ran after her but she had locked the door . I asked her to let me in but she told me to leave her alone . I stood outside our bathroom door listening to her crying . I went back to our bedroom got dressed and removed the sheets from our bed . I also had to wipe up cum puddles that had dripped from my pussy onto our bedroom floor . I was putting new sheets onto our bed when Cathy came back into our bedroom . Cathy was right I had forgotten all about Sherri coming home from school . I ran to the bathroom jumping into the shower . I tried to wash my sins away as I did . However , I also thought how wonderful that fuck with Andy had been . I finished my shower and I slipped on my robe . I walked into the hallway to see Cathy and Sherri sitting together on the sofa . Sherri was showing her what she had done in school today . I stood there thinking how I could not remember her ever showing me . Cathy had not said it but I know she thought I was a bad mother . I went into our bedroom and sat down on the bed . I buried my face into my hands crying . My life sucked , I was a common slut as well as an unfit mother . I dressed for work and looked into the mirror ; I was just a slut I thought as I sat down crying into my hands on the bed once again . I looked up pulling my face from my hands . I saw Sherri standing in front of me staring at me . Her face was full of worry as she did . As I held her , I realized she had said that man . She has always refused to call him her father or daddy . I also thought about how she had thought Cathy had hurt me when instead I had hurt Cathy . I sent Sherri from the room telling her I had to get ready to go to work . Sherri started to ask a bunch of questions as she was at that age . I cannot even remember the questions however they were questions I did not want to answer . Her constant questioning was getting on my nerves . I finally had enough of her questions . Sherri ran from the bedroom into hers . I ran after her only to find she had locked her door . I knocked as I told her I was sorry for yelling at her . I asked her to let me in to talk to her . I did not even look to Cathy I just grabbed my purse and I ran out the door . I drove crying to work . I wiped my eyes before I went inside . One of the girls came over to me and she told me I looked like hell . I explained it had been a rough morning . She opened her purse and she removed a pill bottle from it . I took it from her as I grabbed a glass of water . I took it without ever knowing what it was . Whatever it was it sure helped . I was back to flirting with the customers as if nothing had even happened today . That was until near the end of work . I suddenly did not feel happy anymore . I felt very depressed and so unhappy . My little girl thought I did not love her and my girlfriend no longer wanted me as well . I sat in the parking lot crying until I could cry no more then I drove home . I went into the house and straight to the bathroom . I turned on the water to take a bath as I looked at myself in the mirror . The person was not I it was someone I did not know . I opened the cabinet behind the mirror and I saw a pack of razor blades . I removed one and I turned the water off in the tub as I climbed into the bath . I sliced at my wrists with the razor blade . I cut at one wrist then the other . Blood dripped down into the water from both my wrists as I lay my head against the tile on the wall . I closed my eyes waiting for the end to come . I looked up at her as my head started to clear . I told her I had no idea as the last I remember was going into work . Cathy got some gauze and she wrapped my wrists . She told me I was lucky I had not cut them any deeper than I had . Cathy took me out into the kitchen and she made us some coffee . With her help I figured out that the girl had gave me a hit of LSD . When I had came down from my high my depression took over and I wanted to end my life . I cried as I told Cathy my daughter thinks I do not love her . It was a letter from Sherri telling me how sorry she was for saying what she had . She asked me to forgive her and hoped I was not mad at her . She had even drawn a picture of her and I walking into a sunset I believed it was hand in hand . It was not until years later that I found out it was not a sunset but was hell as that was where she and I both would soon be . Cathy and I had a long talk that night . I told her how I felt that I was an unfit mother . Cathy told me that was just an idea that Mark had placed into my head . I told Cathy I seem to hurt or destroy anybody who I met or know . I begged her to take me back . I wanted another chance at showing her I could love only her . " A course Kay friends forever and maybe even lovers again someday , " Cathy replied smiling at me . The scars on my wrist healed but I never did . I was still an unfit mother in my mind and all I was good at was spreading my legs open for men to use . I accepted those facts and went on with my life if you would call it a life . I was playing the role of mother behind Cathy to my own daughter . Cathy spent much more time with her than I did . I was to busy making money for us to survive . Which was untrue I was to busy getting fucked which I had grown to love . Only when having an orgasm did I feel happy so I spent most of my time looking for and finding sex . I went home with customers through the week as well as spending time with Jack 's clients on Friday nights . Jack paid me to sleep with them and his clients always tipped me big when I left them . I also always enjoyed myself with his clients as they were older men and they treated me right . I even became involved with Jack finally . He had run out of clients one Friday night so it was just him at his table . Jack was waiting for me after work in his car . He took me to a fancy hotel where he and I made passionate love until the early hours of the morning . Jack and I started to see each other regularly ; I even fell in love with him . I thought he had fallen in love with me as well . I stopped seeing everyone except for him and his occasional client . Jack would come to the club each night normally baring some type of gift for me . Maybe a fur coat one night , sexy clothes the next and jewelry all the time never a ring but watches , ankle bracelets and necklaces . This went on for about four months I was beginning to think that maybe Jack was the man for me . He even told me he loved me and I believed him . One night after some passionate lovemaking , I asked him a question as he cuddled with me in bed . Jack told me to get dressed he had to get going . I got dressed and Jack took me back to the nightclub and my car . Jack pulled his car into the parking lot as I saw a woman standing behind my car . As Jack pulled up the woman turned . Jack sped from the parking lot cussing up a storm . I asked Jack just who was that woman . Jack pulled his car over blocks from the parking lot . Jack turned to me and he shook his head from side to side . My lips tremble when I heard him call me that . I also could now see clearly into his eyes . Those eyes that told me I never loved you I only used you . Jack did not say a word as he drove away leaving me standing there . I walked the three or four blocks to my car thinking about how he had used me for his own gains . I also started to wonder if his wife was still at my car . I peeked around the corner to see that no one was near my car . I ran to it and I opened the door to find glass all over the inside . The fucking bitch had broken out my rear windshield . A brick lay in the back seat that had a note wrapped with a rubber band , which was fitting , I thought . The note read " See my husband again and I will kill you bitch . " I never saw Jack again nor did I ever see his wife again . I never told Cathy the truth how my rear window had gotten smashed out , as I did not want her to tell me , " Told you so . " I think she knew but if she did , she never said anything to me . Beside that , Cathy had her own problems to deal with as she came home early from work a few days later crying . I asked her what was wrong . She told me her brother had committed suicide . Cathy went back home out west for a few days to be with her family as her and her brother were close . They grew up together as they came from a military family . She never really talked that much to me about her brother other than I knew she thought the world of him . It was summer so I dropped Sherri off at my mom 's when I worked at night and picked her up after work . I only felt sorry for myself for a few days before I was back to dressing sexy once more for work . I made sure to shy away from the married men even with their rings removed you can still see the marks left behind . About a week later , I was standing by the bar , as my section was slow . A man dressed in bikers clothing came walking in and he sat down at the end of the bar when I was standing . His name was Joe and he was a regular customer but one that I only knew by name . He had never made a play for me and I never really paid him any attention as he was always sitting at the bar . Joe was 5 " 10 or 5 ' 11 he was always dressed in biker 's leather so it was hard to tell what type of body he had under his leathers . Joe turned in his bar seat and he looked at me . Joe and I talked for a while with him telling me Jack had told him all about how I was winning over his clients for him . Joe told me he should have been giving half of what he was raking in with using me . Joe also told me it was wrong of him to have taken advantage of a pretty girl like me . When the nightclub closed , I was in the back getting ready to leave and I was thinking how this Joe seemed to be a decent person . However , I had thought Jack was decent as well as Mark . As I walked out to my car , I heard a motorcycle coming across the lot . It was Joe on his motorcycle . He pulled up next to my car and me . Within the week , Joe and I were dating . Joe never made a pass at me or even kissed me on the first few dates . Then he finally asked me if he could kiss me . It was just a normal kiss and I did not feel any fireworks going off or anything . The next day Joe came over to my mom 's house to meet Sherri . She was eight years old and very shy at least I thought that was what it was . I did not know she was terrified of any man at that age . Sherri hung to my side as Joe came up to us on the doorstep . Sherri did not say a word she just squeezed at my leg tighter . I told her it was OK Joe would not harm her . Sherri loosened her grip at my leg as she looked to Joe . I explained to Joe that she had it rough as a child as my first husband was abusive to us both . Joe shook his head as he told me he could never understand how men could do that . I should have looked into his eyes when he had said those words . If I had , I would have seen his words were nothing but lies . Joe treated me well and I started to grow fond of him as well . I was not for sure if I was in love with him . However , two months later Joe and I went on a get away weekend and we got married out of state . When I came back , I went home to tell Cathy that I was once again married . As I walked inside Cathy gave me a funny look . I went in and talked to Sherri . I told her Joe was not like that man she knew . I explained to her that Joe makes me feel good and happy . I also explained that I would never let another man harm her in anyway . Our life with Cathy had ended we parted barely friends . Deep in my heart , I knew from the tears in both their eyes that Cathy and Sherri knew that they probably would never see each other again . I had not even thought about the hours that they had spent together . Cathy had been more of a mother to her than I had the last couple of years . We moved in with Joe and while his house was nothing fancy , it was still our home . Joe went out of his way to make us both feel welcomed . Sherri even got to where she would at least talk to him sometimes . I thought we were a happy little family within a month . However , Sherri was not yet back to smiling or laughing . The next month everything started to go to hell . It was my fault as I started to use drugs along with Joe . We smoked weed , did coke together and even shot up heroin a few times . I never left Sherri see me doing any drugs . One weekend while Sherri was at my mom 's Joe and I went to a bike rally . It was out in the county on some farmland . It was there that I met Bobby a friend of Joe 's . Bobby was our age 25 ; he was 6 ' 2 " with jet - black long hair . He had a well - toned body with muscular arms . My pussy twitched as I checked him out from head to toe . The three of us went into the near by barn to smoke some weed . This shit was some killer smoke . The three of us were sitting in the loft of the barn high and laughing about how high we were . Bobby and Joe walked over to the corner in the loft . I saw them talking but I could not hear what they were saying . Joe had his back to me , Bobby looked around him , and he smiled at me . I smiled back as I got onto my knees and bent forward a little . I had on a tank top with a leather - riding vest . My tits hung down as I squeezed them together making them almost fall from my tank top . Bobby had been eyeing my tits since he met me . Every time I smoke weed I get super horny and this time was no difference . I saw the boys shake hand and I sat back up so Joe did not see that I had been showing my tits to Bobby . They walked back over to me . Bobby came over to me and he lied down next to me pulling my face into his . Our lips touch as we kissed . It was a gentle loving kiss and one , which I felt in my pussy . He broke our kiss as he removed my riding vest . His hands pulled my tank top from the jeans I had worn . Bobby lifted the tank top over my head freeing my big tits that were by now 40 c . Bobby 's hands went to my tits as he rolled them around in his hands . His fingers ran across and around my nipples making them grow hard . Bobby pinched at my hard nipples making them even harder . My pussy was purring in my jeans . I had not worn any panties that day in case Joe wanted me to drop my jeans and fuck me . I looked over to Joe to see if he was watching . He was not as he was to busy enjoying the rolled joint . I placed my hand to the front of his leather pants . I rubbed and squeezed at his cock through them . I started to undo his pants as he lay back into the straw on the loft 's floor . I got to my knees as I unbuckled his pants and I pulled them and his under wear down exposing his hard throbbing cock to me . He had a lovely hard cock it was maybe seven inches long and thick . I wrapped my hand around it and gave if a few pumps . The veins in his cock seemed to fill with more blood making it even thicker . I did not even use my tongue on the head of his cock . I just opened my mouth taking his cock into it . I started to bob my head up and down on his cock sucking on it as I did . I soon was taking all of his hard cock into my mouth . I would run my tongue out of my mouth dragging it on his cock when I worked my mouth up his cock , I did as he asked I sucked harder as my head bobbed faster on his cock . I felt a hand going between my legs from behind . It was Joe 's hand he had joined us . Joe 's hand rubbed at my pussy through my jeans . He removed his hand as he said , " Her pussy has soaked her jeans . " I felt Joe reaching around me as he undid my jeans . He pulled my jeans down and I moved from my knees so he could remove them . I never took Bobby 's cock from my mouth . Joe slipped one then two fingers into my pussy from behind . He ran them in and out , as the wetness of my pussy filled the barn . Joe pulled his fingers from my pussy as I felt him getting behind me . Joe placed his cock at my pussy and he slammed it up into me from behind . I moaned onto Bobby 's cock as he did . Joe started to pound my pussy deep and hard making my tits swing wildly under me . That was about all he was doing for me . Joe was not well hung he had only maybe 5 inches on his best day . His drug use also kept his cock from getting fully hard sometimes and today was no difference . We did not have sex all that often that was OK with me as most of the time I fake my orgasm with him . He treated me good and that was what had mattered . Joe had only been fucking me for maybe three minutes . I did not even feel him shooting cum into my pussy . However , from the way he was moaning it must have been a good nut . His limp cock slipped from my pussy . I removed my mouth from Bobby 's cock as Joe stood up to the side of me . I looked to Bobby then as I rolled my eyes before I lay on my back . Bobby watched him climb down the ladder from the loft . He watched him go outside of the barn . Bobby stood up removed his pants and his cock danced wildly in front of him as he looked down to me . Bobby climbed on top of me as I parted my legs . Bobby started to kiss me as I felt his hand go to his cock . He rubbed it at the entrance to my pussy . I spread my legs even wider as the head of his cock went into my pussy . Bobby started to slide his cock in and out of me . Bobby placed my legs onto his shoulders without removing his cock . He started slowly then built up to a deep steady pace of fucking me . I was getting the best fucking I have had in a long time . My orgasm raced through my body as my head rolled from side to side . Bobby dropped my legs from his shoulders as his arms wrapped around me as he rolled onto his back . His cock never left my pussy as I was now on top of him . I bounce my pussy up and down on his cock while my tits dangled in his face . He grabbed them with his hands squeezing them together as his tongue licked at my hard nipples . Bobby went to suck and licking at my tits . It was if I felt each of his licks in my pussy as he did . I was bouncing wildly on his cock and moaning loudly as well . I pulled my tits away from his mouth as I sat upright on his cock . I rocked back and forth on his hard cock . I did as he asked . I got onto my hands and knees as Bobby got behind me . He took his cock into his hand beating it against my pussy from under it . I was rocking back toward his cock trying to get it up inside of me . Bobby finally slipped his cock into me from behind . He reached around and played with my swinging tits as he fucked me . Bobby started to pound my pussy hard as he ran his thumb to my asshole . He rubbed at my asshole with his thumb until he slowly worked it up into my asshole . Bobby was thumbing my ass as he drove his cock up into my pussy . Bobby pulled his thumb from my asshole at the same time he pulled his cock from my wet pussy . When he removed his cock from my pussy , a loud wet pussy fart came rolling out of it . Booby spit at my asshole hitting it the first try . He placed the head of his cock at my asshole and he gentle pushed it up my asshole . I have had Cathy 's finger in my ass before but never a cock . Bobby eased it in as I slowly backed up onto it . Bobby left it lie there for a while letting me get used to it . He then started to fuck my butt slowly . Bobby started to butt fuck me faster and deeper . He was soon giving my butt all of his cock . I lost track of how many orgasms I had while he butt fucked me . Bobby slammed his cock deep into my asshole holding it there . His cock throbbed and jerked as it filled my asshole with cum from his cock . I collapsed with his cock still in my ass and him on top of my back . He kissed and licked at the back of my neck . I just lay there feeling his cum dripping from my asshole as I caught my breath and he was right that was one hell of a fuck . I heard Bobby slipping his pants on and as I rolled over , I saw Joe standing there . Bobby went over to him as I grabbed my clothes and got dressed quickly wondering just how long he had been standing there . Joe stood over top of me as I cowered on the floor . He yelled and cussed at me calling me nothing but a fucking tramp . He told me he saw how I enjoyed the fucking Bobby was giving me . " Only a true fucking whore would take a cock in her ass , " Joe said to me . " Now get your fucking ass to the bike we are leaving , " Joe added . On the way home , Joe pulled over and he told me he was sorry . He did not mean anything he had said to me . He told me that weed had made him crazy . Like a fool , I believed him . That was only the beginning of his abuse to me . I was planning on leaving him when things had not improved . However Joe stopped me with his threat that came a week or two later when he came home and found me packing my bags . Sherri was at my mom 's and I was packing our bags and going to join her there . Joe came into the bedroom as I opened the suitcase . " I am leaving you , " I replied turning to him . Joe slapped me across my face . Then he grabbed me by my shirt throwing me up against the wall . He punched at me with his fists knocking me to the floor where he kicked at me with his boots . To prove his point Joe ripped the shorts I had worn from my body . He threw me onto the bed face down . I heard the belt as he pulled it from his pants . Then I felt the taste of leather against my ass . Joe smacked at my ass with his belt as he told me this was for her never calling him daddy . The whipping from his belt stopped as I heard his pants unzip . I then felt his finger at my asshole . Joe pushed his finger deep into my asshole as I buried my face into the pillow on the bed . Joe added more fingers to my asshole as he slipped them in and out of it . He withdrew his fingers and replaced them with his cock . I cried into the pillow on the bed not because his cock was hurting my butt . It was because of what I had gotten myself involved with once more . I cried more wondering just how long I could keep him away from Sherri . Joe was not the man I thought he was . He was just like most of the men I seemed to attract to me . These men were always total losers as well as abusers . To ease my personal pain as well as the pain Joe gave to me I turned to using drugs with him . Joe worked nights so he was not normally home when Sherri was as this had taken place when school was in session . As for weekends , I took Sherri over to my mom 's claiming I had a job on the weekends . Which I did have one . However , my job was flat backing for Joe . He took appointments from men willing to pay him to have sex with me . He even took some pictures of me in sexy dress without my bruises to show them what they were buying . At first , I hated it but as time went by , I started to enjoy it as most of the men loved being with me . Besides it was a lot better having sex with them than with Joe . He had so far kept his end of the deal as well . He never laid his hands on Sherri . Then he was not around her much neither what with working nights . Sherri kept asking me how I got the bruises , the cuts and even a broken arm once . I lied to her each time Joe caused me harm . I was afraid if I told her the truth , she would tell my mom or Cathy . I so afraid of what Joe would do to my little girl . I had to be insane for doing what I was allowing him to do to me however at least Sherri was not on the receiving end of it . I ran into Cathy once at the store . I had on dark sunglasses as I had a fresh black eye . Cathy did not preach at me . She simply took a hold of my hand . I threw her phone number away and if I would see her out , I would go the other way . My life was so screwed up the only time I was happy was when strange men I did not even know had sex with me . I wanted to just grab Sherri and run but I had nowhere to go or no one that could protect her and me if I did . I just accepted the fact this was how my life was to be . I prayed and hoped someone would run Joe over on his bike someday . I even started to steal cash from his drug money as well as taking tips from the men who paid for sex with me . For some reason many of the men wanted me to squat over their faces or their cocks and pee on them . I had no problem with doing what they wanted for if I did not they would tell Joe that and he would punish me for not doing as they asked of me . His hitting of me slowed at least to where he was not leaving marks . As Joe put it , " Men want a fair skinned women not a bruised one . " Sherri withdrew within herself around this time . She barely spoke to me and never to Joe . She just sat in her bedroom drawing in her artist pad . I was so high on drugs that I did not even notice how unhappy she was as well as how unhappy I was . If only I would have looked into her drawing book and seen what she had been drawing . One day Joe came home and he told me to pack our bags we were moving to Colorado . He told me that he was going to work with his brother . On our way out there , Joe told me the truth . The cops were after him for a drug deal . We found a place and Joe knew some drug dealers who traded my services for a start at selling drugs out there . When school started , Joe would not allow me to send Sherri to school . Joe was not working . All he did was sell drugs . When he ran low on drug money , he decided I could make him money . Joe sold my body to friends or anyone who wanted me . Joe even brought me some fancy clothes telling me the better I dressed the more money I could make him . It did not make any difference , as I no longer had a mind of my own mainly due to the drugs he was giving me . I was simply his to do whatever he wanted too . One day Joe took me off those drugs telling me men did not like my zombie like body anymore . When I got the drugs from my system , I realized it was only a matter of time before Joe went after Sherri . I put a padlock on the outside of her bedroom door and I would lock her in her room if I had to go out on a date while Joe was at home . I know it was cruel of me but I thought she would be safe and I always made sure she had everything she needed in her room until I came home . I came home one night to find Sherri 's door pushed in but still locked . I unlocked her door to find her hiding in the corner . I turned to see him standing in the doorway with his backpack in his hand . Joe told me he was leaving and that we were free to do what ever as the law was closing in and we were only unwanted baggage to him now . I buried Sherri 's face into my shoulder as I buried mine into her back . I was waiting to hear the gunshots and Joe to pull the trigger on the gun he owned that he always kept in his backpack . I closed my eyes hoping that it would be over quickly for us both . All I heard was the sound of his motorcycle starting up and leaving . I told Sheri to pack a few things as I ran up to my room . I packed some clothes and I removed the money I had hidden from Joe . I drove the piece of shit car I had to Denver Airport and I had just enough money to fly us both back home . I called my mom and asked her to come pick us up at the airport when we got home . It was at Denver airport that I noticed how Sherri would get closer to me anytime a man walked by her . I sat in the airport with her cuddled up next to me , she would close her eyes each time a man walked by . I felt ashamed of myself for what she had been through already in her life . I cried into my hands until I felt Sherri 's arms around me . I looked over to her . Some how that made me feel a little bit better . Sherri cuddled up to me and she fell asleep . I am not for sure if she slept when locked in her bedroom . She might have always been as I found her that night hiding in the corner . I swore to myself as I brushed my hand through her long blonde hair I was never going to trust or love a man ever again . I have had enough of men . On our flight home , I thought about what I was going to do . I had no skills to speak of other than spreading my legs . My daughter needed help dealing with the issues she had locked away but I knew not how to get her the help she needed . My mother did not say much as she drove us to her house from the airport . We arrived at her house where I put Sherri to bed and returned to talk to my mother in the kitchen . I explained to her what had happened . " How could you put that little girl through such pain ? " My mother asked . At the time , I did not have an answer to give to her . She must have realized I was hurting as much as Sherri was because she came to me and wrapped her arms around me . She told me everything would be OK . My mother held me rocking me in her arms . The main thing was that we both were now home and safe . My mom gave me some money she had saved up and the next day Sherri and I went shopping . The only clothes we owed were the little bit we had thrown into our bags before going to the airport . We were in our local Kmart looking at the clothes . Sherri would squeeze my hand and move closer to me any time a man passed us by . I stood there thinking maybe I should just leave Sherri with her and run away . My daughter would soon be nine years old , I had only given her nine years of terror , and despair instead of the love a mother should . I did not realize then the damage mentally my daughter suffered by what I had allowed others to do to me . She was terrified of men because of the hell the men in our life had done to her and to me . I had made a mess of not only my life but hers as well . " KAY , hey girl I am talking to you , " Cathy said shaking me by my arm . I raised my eyes from the floor as I looked into Cathy 's eyes . I saw that the love she once held in her eyes for me was not there . I knew there was no chance of us getting back together at least not as lovers . Cathy stared into my eyes as I stared into hers . Cathy told us she would see us on Friday . We went our separate way as Sherri and I finished shopping . The next day I went job hunting and I came home after putting many applications in but no real prospects of getting a job . The following day I went down and signed up for food stamps and assistance . I only told the welfare people of my husband abandoning us not of the abuse he had dished upon us . Friday came and Cathy came to pick me up at my moms . Sherri ran to her once more when she walked into the house . In the last few days , my daughter hardly talked to me . She just sat in her bedroom . I kept asking her if she wanted to talk but she would just shake her head no . My daughter seemed to hate me in some ways . I could not blame her for what she had been through as it was my entire fault . Cathy had gotten her a drawing pad that came in its own little hardback shell . I made sure she thanked Cathy for it . Sherri did and she started to go to her bedroom then stopped and came back to me . Sherri tugged at my pants I had worn and motioned me down to her level . I was in tears as Cathy walked me to her car . She drove us to a quiet little bar and we went inside . We sat in a booth together as I explained what had happened in my life during the last year . I explained to Cathy how everything was going well until the threesome I had with Joe and Bobby . I told her of the abuse at Joe 's hand as well as how he sold my body to others for money . Cathy gave me comfort telling me it was not my fault . I had only done what I had to in order to protect Sherri . Cathy asked me if Joe had ever done anything to Sherri . I informed her no as I used to lock her up in her room when I left her with Joe . It suddenly hit me upon hearing her question . I had imprisoned my own child . I did so to protect her and now I knew why she spent all of her time in her bedroom at my mom 's place . That was where she felt safe . I would not have blamed her if she had . I found out later that night that Cathy now shared custody of her twin girls with her ex - husband . The girls lived with Cathy during school time and spent the summer with their father . Cathy had gotten married when she was 18 and had twins the same year . She had gotten divorced two years later and her husband had custody of the twins . I had never asked Cathy why she had divorced him or not been given the twins . I always thought when she was ready she would tell me why . I knew there was no chance of Cathy and I returning to what we once had , not with her sharing custody of the twins . Cathy also informed me she was back to dating men but most were losers . She had no sooner said that to me than a man walked up to us at our booth . The man had a shocked look on his face and shook his head from side to side , as he walked away . Cathy and I both gave a little laugh . The first laugh I had left out in a long time . We talked the rest of the night at the bar as well at my mom 's house . I wanted to take her into my arms and make sweet love to her in hope the nightmare was finally over and finished . However , Cathy and I only became good friends again but not lovers . I enrolled Sherri back into school and in a couple of months ; she seemed like a normal nine - year - old girl . She made some new friends and enjoyed going skating with them . Skating was something her and I used to do together all the time but had not since I had met Joe . I found a job - cleaning house that paid me under the table . It was not much but I managed to buy Sherri a new pair of roller skates which she loved . She even became unafraid of men except for ones she thought were bad men . That had come about when I decided to go on a double date with Cathy . I had told Sherri I was going out on a date tonight and she had the look of worry on her face when I did . My date showed up and I was not ready as Sherri came into my bedroom . She had a look on her face so I asked her if something was wrong . I walked by her room when I was finished dressing . Sherri was lying on her bed drawing in her artist pad . I did not disturb her as I went by her room . Sherri was right about that man as I had to keep moving his hands from everywhere on my body . I was not ready for another man to touch me yet . I dated a few people here and there but I really was not interested in any of them . In fact , I felt uncomfortable around them . Most of them tried to get into my pants but I would not let any of them touch me . I started to tell them right away that I had been through two abusive relationships up front during our talk when I met them . I would have them meet Sherri when they picked me up for our date . I was always running late when my dates came to pick me up as I am never on time . Sherri would always come into my room before I left . Sometimes she would tell me they are too old for me , to fat for me . Some she would tell me , mommy his eyes tell me that he is a bad man . I even got to where I could tell as she had about the man I was with by looking into their eyes . I was not sure if it was a gift or a curse as I may have turned many good men away when I saw what may have been evil in their eyes . I convinced myself that I would never find a man who I could trust ever again . I would run into friends from school most that were married and still on their first one . I was not even sure if I could love another man with what I had been through in my life . During December of 1982 , Cathy informed me she was going to college come the New Year to further her career . She suggested that I join her and get a degree in business management . I went and enrolled but I could not start at the same time she would , as my grant money would not be in time . I could either start a few weeks after they had or wait until next semester . I decided to go a few weeks after she had started . I had talked to Cathy after her first day in school . She informed me that she was surprised that most of the people were our ages . Cathy also informed me she had met this man by the name of Rod . He liked her and they sat together in classes they had together . By the third week of college , Cathy was dating Rod . Cathy even told me he had a friend . However , I informed her I was there to learn not to meet men . I was nervous as hell my first day at college . The teacher of my first class had told me to stand against the far wall until his class began . I was standing there as people started to file into the classroom . I did not pay much attention to any of them . That was until these two men walked into the room together . They had caught my eye because as they walked into the room one of them had his arm around the other telling him something . The two of them were laughing as one of them took his seat . The one standing looked to me then tapped the other as he told him something . The man sitting down looked toward me I felt his eyes checking out my body . His eyes had started down low and worked their way up by body . When his eyes went to my tits , I turned my head thinking just a normal horny man . However when I turned my head back toward him his eyes were looking into mine . Even from the distance , I was from him I could see the lovely blue in his hazel eyes begin to sparkle as he stared into my eyes . As I stared into his eyes , the blue shade of his eyes seems to grow brighter . As I stood there , I had a feeling between my legs I had not felt in a long time . My pussy twitched as I looked into his eyes . Stop it Kay remember all the horror you have suffered already I told myself . I was trying to figure out just what I was seeing in his eyes when I saw his face turn a little red , which caused me to smile at him . Reality returned when I heard the teacher as he said , " Boys and girls we have a new student joining us . " " Her name is Kay , " the teacher said as everyone turned to look at me . " Why don 't you take a seat beside John there Kay he is my best student and I am sure he will help you get caught up and let you copy his notes , " the teacher added pointing to the man who had been staring at me . I went over to John who stood up and pulled the chair out for me before he took his seat again . John flipped open the note pad in front of him telling me what they were going over in class today . I leaned over closer to John and it seemed as if he smelled my hair . I pulled back from him looking to the teacher . I turned to look at John and as I did , he turned to me as well . I found myself looking dead into his eyes . His lovely blue green eyes seem to sparkle bluer as I stared into them . My body seemed to fill with great warmth as I looked into his eyes . Stop it Kay I told myself however I could not move my eyes from his . Those lovely eyes where had I seen eyes like those before . Bill , a client of Jack had those same loving eyes came into my head . When it did , I realized that John was trying to read my eyes as I was reading his . I turned my eyes from him back to his note pad as I hoped he had not seen the dark secrets I held in them . As our class went on , I found out the man beside me was no dummy . When no one in class seemed to have known the answer to the teacher 's question , he called on John . He always gave him the answer to his question . After more than a few unanswered questions the teacher looked at me as he said , " Now you see why I had you sit with John . " " Don 't get involved with this man . " " You promised yourself never to fall for a man again . " " Think of Sherri , " I said to myself as I leaned against the wall in the hallway . I was standing there when I saw John coming out of the classroom . I was thinking just walk on by me do not stop . However , John walked over to me and he held his hand out to me . I shook his hand as he introduced himself to me . I looked to his hand seeing the shiny gold wedding band around his finger . John seemed to pull his hand from mine when I looked at his ring . He welcomed me to the school and walked away quickly . After seeing the ring on his finger , I thought he was just another married man looking for some strange pussy . John ended up being in all of my classes . I only sat beside him because of the excellent notes he had taken which I thought would help me to catch up with the others in my classes . John even asked me to go to lunch with him however ; I told him I could not as I was meeting a friend . As John walked away from me after I told him no on having lunch with him . I noticed he hung his head to the ground as he walked away . Now here was a man I had just met a very handsome man I might add , a man who could have had his pick of any girl at our college . Why had he hit on me and why had a married man walked away shamefully when I had refused his offer of lunch ? Those questions filled my head as I walked toward the lunchroom in the college . I met Cathy for lunch and I asked her where Rod was . She explained I had just missed him but I would meet him after school she told me . Cathy asked me how I liked it so far . I told her it was OK other than the first man to hit on me was a married one . I sat alone in his study with my thoughts . My head filling not with worry of my husband John but of the hurt and suffering , I had placed upon my daughter during my first two marriages . It was wrong of me and so blind not to have seen how my daughter Sherri suffered back then and still to this day . I am a much stronger woman today thanks to my husband John , the one you know as Sgt . J . If that would happen today , I might just have to hip toss you to the ground or give you a Sgt . J leg sweep . If nothing else I would run for the hills screaming bloody murder or at least for help . I must leave you for now until my next chapter for my heart is telling me I have a daughter I must go hug and remind her how much she means to me . I leave you with this . I did not set out in my life looking to be hurt I was only simply looking for love . I thought I had found it twice but only discovered pain and brought suffering to my daughter and me . It is even a wonder she even talks to me . As I sit here , I think maybe my husband should not be sitting in judgment of himself . Instead , it should be me in judgment of me . Oh Sherri ( hey isn 't a song ? ? ? From about the time he was born ? ? ) This hit me right in the chest , it is little momtens like this , I read something and I know I must take it in . I MUST stop and file this , remember it and try my best to emulate it . You are an incredible mom , and I am so happy that now as your son is away at college you can share those momtens with us to help impart that knowledge and let us know that you blinked and it was here so we should try not to miss it anymore than we are . Your words were gorgeous , your voice gentle talking to yourself and true . Thanks for being such an inspiration for all of just starting out on this journey of motherhood . That picture : PURE PERFECTION ! ! ! Yes , I 'm enjoying reading about you life Kay . I just wish that you and John had met 10 years earlier so that you and Sherri did not have to be victims of all that abuse . I 'm so glad that you are together now . It is far to often that I hear or read of a good man taking the blame for the harm another has caused . Your first series tugged at my heart and this one is no different . Maybe Kay 's story will help women as herself dealing with abuse . If nothing it shows them we are all not monsters . I hope that her and her daughter can show SGT . J he has done no harm as he has only given them the will and the hope to carry on . From one old soldier to another carry on Sgt . J it is your duty too Sgt . Major Phil |
One of our neighbors stopped by the store . " Hey , Steve ! " I called out . He said , " Are you and Tim all set for 2011 ? " I laughed . " 2010 did not ask for permission , and you know , I don 't get a notion that 2011 is going to ask for permission either . It 's just going to barge in and set up whether I 'm ready or not . " It 's very difficult for me to look forward without looking back . I am glad for where I 'm at , and how far I 've come . I helped an elderly man out the door and loaded up his chicken feed for him . His wife said , " Oh , this is embarrassing for him , but he 's just had a pacemaker put in , and I am not going to let him lift because the doctor told him not to . " And he grumbled . He did not like standing there while a woman loaded his chicken feed . At 83 , though , I told him , I thought that he deserved a break . " I feel great , " he grumbled . " I feel like I could be lifting chicken feed . " And I grinned at him . " You listen to me , " I said . " I 'm throwing this chicken feed around like it 's nobody 's business , and two years ago , I couldn 't have done that either . " I waggled my finger at him . " You just mind the doctor and your wife . It 'll make your life a lot easier . " He was curious , and so was his wife . " Why couldn 't you lift chicken feed ? " and I said , " I had cancer . I had to take it easy for a few months , and I did . Cancer was a season . Now that season is finished . " We talked about faith . We talked about hard times . We talked about getting over it . I said , " Now , I 'm loading your truck and feeling grateful to God that I can . So let me . " And they did . That 's how it is , isn 't it ? We all move in and out through the different seasons of our lives , and we help each other as we are able . Once again , I think how cleverly designed this world is , that our stories are completed by the stories of others , that our stories complete their stories . Those stories ? They 're meant to be told . Happy New Year , everyone ! We were supposed to have company in on New Year 's eve . Tim 's brother and wife and their little boy . However , I 'm pretty hoarse . No cold symptoms to go along with it , just sound perfectly awful , and I think that I scared poor Dawn off , mostly because Brady already is running a fever . She certainly doesn 't need a sick baby to bring in the New Year . I am very disappointed , because we were looking forward to watching Brady opening his Christmas gifts . What terrible timing for this ' thing ' , whatever it is . Tim and I sat looking at each other . Cara 's friend is coming in for the evening , but the last thing they want to be doing is ' hanging with the old folks ' . " Maybe we could go see a movie , " Tim suggested . " Meh . We could , I suppose . " I said . So , that is what we will do . I 'll make homemade pepperoni rolls for everyone for tomorrow night , and Tim and I will go take in a movie , and probably make it until midnight , and then we will sleep in late on New Year 's day . PARTY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ( * coff * * wheeze * ) I walked back into work today , and Jeremy grinned . " How 's your head ? " he asked . " Well , " I said , to jerk his chain some , " I didn 't know whether I was coming in today or not . " He got a surprised look . I continued : " Yeah , it doesn 't seem right that you show up for work after you 've gotten canned . " Anyways , remember that couple I told you about ? Their dog died ? Well , they were in tonight , and much to my surprise , they had a new white shepherd type dog , a puppy , timid , five months old , a spitting image of their old dog . They just happened to contact a friend up in Potsdam . He had some dogs he was raising for sled dogs , but he had this one that was not going to work out . She was too shy , of people , of other dogs . He didn 't want her . The couple took her immediately , and it was a five hour trip to get her . They brought her in the store , just like their old dog , and she clung close to her new owners watching us warily . I gave her a cookie . She smelled it , interested , but too afraid to take it from my hand . I gave it to her owner . Everyone stood jawjacking as the dog waited patiently . Gary said , " She 'll get used to the store in a hurry . You 're in here all the time . " The man says , " She 's had a lot to get used to . She never was inside a house before . She sure does love sleeping in the bed ! " We laughed . I said , " Well , it will help socialize her , being in a store , around people . It 'll be good for her , " and the woman agreed . They took their time in the store , but finally , they came up to the counter . They had dog food , and a new purple collar , and a new leash . Kyra was still timid , but curiously she nosed the credit card machine , and when a woman came in line behind them , the dog walked up to her and quietly studied the woman with intelligent eyes . When the woman spoke to her kindly , she nosed her hand . Her owners looked on , amazed at the changes happening already . I watched this small drama playing out . The man said to the woman behind them , " I think that you 're the first person she 's ever voluntarily greeted , " and he told the stoPosted by So , today , I was at work , and it was freight day . I was lifting a case of dog food to a shelf when the cardboard tray buckled , and one of the cans slipped free and hit me on my forehead . It stunned me at first , and I saw stars , but it was really a very minor thing and within sixty seconds , I was clear headed and looking back at everyone looking at me . Bob went off to get a bandaid . Ike and Dave decided that it should be reported , and so it was . Ike made the call , and then he spent probably 20 minutes answering what seemed like fourteen hundred thirty eleven questions . I sat there answering the questions he couldn 't . Finally it was done . Ike hung up the phone looked at me very seriously . He shook his head . " Gees , " he said , " It might have been easier to just shoot ya . " I about fell out of my chair laughing . Really , we have the best crew . We laugh as hard as we work . And when we were done laughing , we got right back to it . I worked Christmas eve , and it was a long day . Busy , just like it has been . A tiny little red haired girl pushed a guinea pig toy up on the counter . I said to her , " So are you going to wrap this and give it to your guinea pig for Christmas ? " She solemnly nodded . Then she said , " Mommy said we gave our dog the best Christmas present we could give her , " and I cheerfully said , " So what did the dog get ? " and her little lip quivered and she said , " She 's not suffering no more . We had her put to sleep . " Dear God . One more dead dog story is going to push me right over the edge , I swear . As Hal and Bob would say , " Darn sinuses ! " It 's been a nice Christmas day , a quiet one . Presents and kids , and quiet times doing puzzles and laughing together . We watched a couple videos . I 'll write more later . Right now , I 'm headed for bed . Dylan heads back home tomorrow , and we have another party tomorrow evening . Merry Christmas everyone ! I don 't usually have supper at work . That 's okay . But yesterday , it was busy , I got called in early , and I had to take a supper break . I needed to get out of the store for a little , so I got myself an iced tea and a sandwich . The iced tea was good on my sore throat . I drank it all down . I even got a second one . I got home from work last night knowing that I had to get my hinder to bed . I had the morning shift . I went to bed and tossed and turned and tossed and turned . I do this to myself on an astoundingly regular basis . Maybe I should write it down , or tattoo it on my arm . " I cannot drink caffeine after 6 PM . I cannot drink caffeine after 6 . I cannot drink . . . " Only one more day before Christmas . Gads . Hope my caffeine this morning works as well as the stuff last night . Duh . This is my gift to the world . I sure am making you feel lots smarter than me , huh ? The store manager called and said , " So what are you doing ? " and I said , " Why ? The store busy ? " and he said , " Get down here . . . " and I said , " Well , you 'll have to give me an hour . " He said , " Why ? " and I said , " Because I 'm in my pajamas , okay ? " and laughed . He said , " What are you doing still in your pajamas ? " ( it was 1 PM ) and I said , in a very defensive way , " Hey , I 'm wrapping presents , okay ? " I got myself showered and dressed , out the door , and into work . It was busy alright . We had our busiest day since Black Friday . I was at the register , when Ike paged me . I had a phone call on line three . It was Cara . " Where 's your debit card ? " she wanted to know . She was picking up Tim 's Christmas gift for me because I had to leave for work early . " I 've got it , " I said . " I left you cash on the coffee table . " A customer said , in a hopeful way , " So did you leave me cash on the coffee table ? " and the line laughed . Business was non - stop , one customer after another , after another . We all were in high spirits , playing pranks on one another . My sister and brother - in - law stopped by the store with a huge batch of homebaked cookies and bread and a pumpkin roll . That was an extremely welcome gift . I was trying to figure out how to fit in the baking , and suddenly discovering that I did not have to . . . well . . . that was a relief . I cannot believe that tomorrow is Christmas eve already . Dylan will be here by the time that I get home from work . I have an entire weekend off , and I am looking forward to it . Well , let me get myself ( and my cold ) off to bed . Only one more day until Christmas . I got my Christmas cards practically done . The far away ones won 't get there in time , but , hey , the Christmas cards are just about done . Cara and I whipped the tree up today . I got home and discovered that she 'd set up the nativity and the Christmas village as well . That was nice . When I went to work today , I saw a couple regular customers . They usually have a big white dog , a very vocal dog , almost like he 's trying to talk . They love that dog . He goes everywhere with them . Anyways , they were in the store today , and , oddly , their dog was not with them . I was in the process of reaching for a dog cookie , when I realized the dog was not there . I must have looked confused . The man said , " He died yesterday morning . His heart just stopped . " And the woman stood by him with a quiet face , and the tears welled in her eyes . Yeah . You know what happened next . I 'm offering my condolences with tears of my own . They left with their purchases . A coworker came over with a puzzled look . " Where 's their dog ? " I explained that he 'd died . Dave said , " You 're kidding . . . " because the dog had just been in the day before yesterday . I heard him head back to find Gary . " What ? " Gary said . " That big white one ? " and Dave said , " Yes . " Gary said , " Well that 's a damn shame , " and Dave said , " They never went anywhere without that dog . " That 's the kind of place I work at . A place where news like that makes us all feel sorry . Yesterday , I went Christmas shopping with Cara . When you have a kid as particular about her clothes as Cara , you do NOT want to buy her clothes for Christmas . Well . Not clothes of your own choosing , anyway . If I think something is cute , you can bet the ranch on the fact that Cara will think it 's awful . So shopping went like this : " I really need a book to study for the GRE . " ( This while we are standing in the middle of Waldenbook , coincidently , right in front of the GRE study guides . ) I reach down for one . Cara says , " Not that one . The Barron one . And I 'd like a Korean dictionary . " Then I said , " Leave the store please , " and then I picked out the books and took them to the register . Then it was on to clothes shopping . I 'd pick something out and her little lip would curl . " No , Mom . Nobody wears something like that . " I look bewilderedly about me . I am surrounded by people that are wearing stuff just like that . I did pick one little outfit for her . I got a gift receipt . I 'm sure she 'll take it back . And then we were supposed to meet at Aeropostale , but I ran into someone I knew , and blabbed for a minute . I also ducked into a store to check on something . By the time that I got to Aeropostale , she was not there . So I shopped around , and I saw a hoodie that made me think of her right away , so I bought it . Without her permission . I was waiting patiently in front of the store for her to come back , and she finally did , carrying coffees for the two of us . ( That was nice . ) " I found a sweatshirt , " she said . Clutching my bags , I said , noncommitally , " Oh ? " and she said , " Yes . I 'll show you . . . " and she headed into the store . I followed . She headed to the back corner of the store where I 'd selected her sweatshirt from . Looked good . She headed directly to the corner where the rounder I 'd got her shirt from was , and I was thinking , " Hah ! I nailed this one ! " . . . . and then walked right past it to another shirt hanging on the wall . " This one , " she said . " That 's nice , " I said , flipping through the sweatshirts on the rounder , and holding uPosted by You know what the best feeling is in the whole wide , wide world ? IMHO ? It is knowing that your child conducts him / herself with honor , and that this has been done with no knowledge or input from you . That your child possesses principles and courage to stand behind those convictions . Today , I had a glimpse of what I am leaving this world , and I can tell you that it is beautiful . Just beautiful . It 's no secret that I enjoy the dogs that come to the store . There is one exuberant Newfie who comes into the store . He knows the drill . He knows that when he comes to the checkout , we 'll give him a biscuit from under the counter . So I saw this big fellow heading down the aisle , tail wagging , tongue lolling , I reached down and dug out one of the large sized dog biscuits . I was waiting for him . I leaned across the counter to speak with him and give him his cookie when unexpectedly , he leapt up and gave me a big slobbery kiss on my face . I love dogs . I do . I love that they know me , and they are glad to see me . Really . Despite all of that , I must say . . . um . . . ick . Cara is home , and her friend helped her move her things back home . She 'll be home until March , when she heads to Korea . That will be nice . She 'll need a job . We sat up talking until 10 last night ( late night for me ) , and then I went to bed and I slept soundly until well after 8 . It 's been a long time since I woke up feeling as if I 'd had enough sleep . Two friends have been ' officially ' diagnosed with cancer this week . Bad cancers . Man . It just seems like that stuff is everywhere . Just everywhere . Only four more days ' til Christmas . Dear heavens . I have so much to do . . . Well , that young boy we tried to help out ? It did not work out . Lesson to be learned here , I suppose . When someone tells you that they 've been living in a tent , this means that they 've probably made some poor decisions . He was a compulsive liar , blatently disrespectful of the other tenants and any rules . He was a video game addict with little ambition . We 've never evicted a tenant before , but he was a security issue , and we were concerned . Evictions can take a while , and he simply stopped paying rent as soon as he knew he was evicted . We had every landlord 's worst fear . Tim is a follower of Dave Ramsey 's radio show . He told the boy , " We 'll pay you $ 200 if you are out by this weekend . " The decision flies in the face of all that is fair and reasonable , doesn 't it ? But the benefits were that he was out by this weekend , he did not damage the apartment , ( we were worried about that ) and that we saved a bundle on legal fees too . Since he had stopped paying rent , we stood to lose much , much more . Valuable life lesson learned . If a person is in a dire situation , look at them closely . You may see why . Tim and I have both talked about this . We will never again take in a tenant because we feel sorry for him . Bob B ? Yep . You can say , ' I told you so . ' * waits humbly * Here 's a bad story from Tractor Supply . There is a fellow who considers himself a big shot in the local agricultural arena . He hires transients to pick his stuff . He has two elderly locals who help him all year around . I won 't do business with him because he also hires kids to pick for him . He works like this : He pays by the quart , but when the kids hand their quarts to him , he says , " These are not full quarts . " He then combines the contents of the baskets , heaping them full . In this way , he gets about 1 1 / 3 quarts of produce picked for the price of a quart . Before he put the produce out to sell , he removes that mound of berries , and replaces it into other baskets , turning that 3 quarts of berries back into 4 quarts of berries . Like I said , I do not do business with the man . There are plenty of folks around who are ethical and good . I will not deal with a crook who steals from the pockets of the people who work for him , yet he is quick to pull the " I 'm just a simple farmer who loves the land " routine when it benefits him . He takes . He does not give back . He is a very heavy man who has been unfailingly polite to me . He calls me ' dear ' and he calls me ' honey ' . This sets my teeth on edge because I think that he is an odious man , but what can I say ? I call people ' hon ' too , and I suppose that it could be just a habit . I give him the benefit of the doubt and just stay very guarded with him . I don 't like him . In any case , he was into the store with the elderly lady who helps him , a woman who is in her seventies . She is always poorly dressed and dirty and tired looking , and it bothers me to see her . He came up to the register , and set his things up , and said to his helper in his very important way , " Lift that up for her , " gesturing to a sack of feed . I quickly said , " No . That is not necessary . I can reach , " and I walked around the counter with my pricer and got the bag . He was getting some Christmas shopping done too , and I rang him up for those things , and in his careless , nonchalant way , he pushed his check at me , and cPosted by My next appointment at the cancer center is in early February . I 'm considering going off Tamoxifen . If anyone reading this has done so , would you please contact me via e - mail ? There is a link on my profile . I am collecting data right now and would like be able to speak with others who have been in my shoes . Thanks . Today , a mother and daughter came in and bought a ' creeper ' . The daughter said , " So how are we going to sneak that in the house ? " and the mother admitted that she did not have a clue . The daughter dashed around and came back with a king size KitKat bar . She opened her little purse and paid for it . She said to her mother , " I tell him I have a surprise for him in my room , and then I 'll give him the KitKat , while you sneak his present in . " The mother smiled at her daughter . " You think that will work ? " she asked . " Yep . Dad 's EASY . He loves KitKats , " and off they went plotting away . One of our farmers came in with his little boy , and when I saw them next , they were at the register and the father was saying , " Now , you remember , this is our secret . " And the little boy opened the blue velvet jewelry case to make sure the earrings were still inside before reaching up to set them on the counter . Gary was at the other register helping out , and the little boy watched him closely as he rang up the the jewelry . Gary asked who he was buying the jewelry for , and he said , " Mommy ! " and he was excited . I looked over . " Gees , Gary , I think that might be just about the luckiest mom in the world , " and the little boy nodded in agreement . I remember when the kids were small and the excitement of all of those secrets . I also remember the Christmas eve that Dylan leaned close to me and said excitedly , " I can 't wait for you to open your microwave . " I really miss having kids around . A lot . Yesterday , it was about the cutest darn thing you ever saw in your life . A little boy , maybe three , three and a half was in deep conversation with his grandma , clutching a tractor that he wanted . Grandma said , " Well , you need to talk to Santa , and tell him what you want . . . " Our little pippersqueak stood there clutching a box , with an unconvinced look on his face , trying to decide if he should press the issue , or whether Santa was actually watching him . So I leaned across the counter and rested my chin on my hand . " You know , " I said in a very confidential tone , " Santa does come in to Tractor Supply . I was pretty surprised , but there he was , Santa Claus himself , right here . He comes in when there are no children in the store . " And the boy looked at me , eyes wide with the wonder of such a thing . He said , very seriously , " Well , when you see him , tell him that Cole wants this tractor . . . " I said , " I surely will . I will tell Santa . " Oh , my gosh . It was so stinking cute it made me grin all day long , every single time I thought of it . I worked today , and I made it by the skin of my teeth . I 'd managed to get stuck in the driveway , at the end , where the snow plow leaves that ' hump ' of snow . I dashed back to grab the snow shovel , and dug my tires out . I tossed the shovel under the pine tree , hopped in the car , and " rocked it " out . I backed up , got a new start , and made it out of the driveway . I ran to the store , and Jeremy was waiting , a little anxiously . It was just him and me for the morning . We had two people out sick . If I would not have showed , he 'd have been on his own and that would have been a nightmare . I burst through the front doors . " Sorry , sorry , sorry ! I got stuck and had to dig myself out . " " No , you 're here , we 're good , " and I kept on running past him to punch in and grab my vest . The customers were great though . A woman asked me where our rain gear was , and I directed her . " See that umbrella back there ? " and she turned to me with the biggest smile on her face . " Yes , " she said . " Yes , I can and last month , I couldn 't have seen it . " After being told that nothing could be done for her vision , she headed down south for a second opinion . It was worth the trip , because now she can see . I was waiting on another customer , and she commented about how busy it was . " It is , but you know what ? People are awfully patient . This is a good place to work , and I even am enjoying the Christmas rush . " The man behind her looked at me . " That 's because you 're dealing with farmers , " he said . " Not everyone who walks in the door is a farmer , but you get a lot of ' em . " I smiled . " You 're right . I 've always said that the people that I deal with every day are the salt of the earth , and it makes all the difference in the world . " It does , too . Remember Mr . M ? He popped into the store today . " I really liked your last article , " he said . " It reminded me of my dad . " He then went on to tell me that every hunting season , he still wears his dad 's hunting vest , a way to keep his dad close when he hunts . I looked at him , white headed , a beard that would make Santa jealous . ItDebby You know how sometimes you don 't even realize how close you came to disaster , because the disaster actually had not happened ? Well , consider this . Yesterday was the last day of school for me . I had three finals starting at 8 AM . The weather has been horrible , so basically , my intention was to be prepared for anything . I set my alarm for 5 : 30 . I went to bed , and I slept surprisingly soundly . I woke up at 5 : 10 and immediately thought of the weather . I leapt from the bed to check the driveway and discovered that we 'd gotten more snow , so I decided to simply get up and get going , and allow myself some extra drive time . I needed it too . The roads were bad on the way to school and they were bad coming home . ( I stopped to check on a young man who had flipped his Jeep . ) I had my lovely relaxed afternoon , and I went to bed a little bit early . I was tired out . A lot of excitement this week . I sat down on the side of the bed and reached for my alarm clock . That 's when I realized just how close I 'd come to disaster . My alarm was set for 5 : 30 PM . If I had not waked up early , I would have overslept . The alarm would not have woke me up . I 'm very grateful for those small miracles of my life . I am sitting at the computer desk at 2 : 19 PM in my flannel green plaid pajama pants and my lastest thrift store find - a lovely oversized Woolrich sweater , green wool . I have a rather large glass of wine beside me that I am sipping . Here 's the wonderful thing . Classes are done . Those finals are out of the way . I was shocked to find that I may have screwed one up , badly , but I don 't think that I 'm anywhere close to failing the course . I picked up the last of my graded assignments and read the teacher 's comments walking down the hall . On a paper I 'd written on goal setting , the comment was : " I appreciate your honesty , candor , and willingness to look at yourself . However , I want to tell you to be kind to yourself , allow mistakes , and to experience joy . " I pondered that as I headed to my next final . That final was a hand written essay . I do not compose well with a pen and paper . I need the computer . My fingers fly as quickly as my thoughts , and I rearrange paragraphs and rechoose the words , I study it , and change it again . To write with a pencil , to formulate what you are trying to say and then write a coherent essay . . . well . . . there were lots of erasures . It 's not my best work . Writing is not how I think . I need a key board . Remember that essay ? That last one that I had agonized over for a couple weeks , finally rewriting it after work , sitting up until 3 AM to finish it , heading to school at 8 , and then doing a days worth of classes on little sleep ? The essay , if you care to be reminded , was on the marginalization of men . That teacher had commented , " Maybe it 's the pendulum thing ; it swings farther in reaction that it will when things settle down . Great paper . " And I received my final A in the class . I finished that written essay for the final exam , and then I headed out the door to the last exam of the day . I was supposed to have taken that on Monday , but could not . I had arranged to take it on Tuesday , but school was closed , and so I took it today , because tomorrow , I have to work . When I finished that , I walked to thePosted by The weather warning for today . A LAKE EFFECT SNOW WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF LAKE - EFFECT SNOW ARE FORECAST THAT WILL MAKE TRAVEL HAZARDOUS . LAKE - EFFECT SNOW TYPICALLY FALLS AS NARROW BANDS OF HEAVY SNOW WITHIN A LARGER AREA OF LIGHTER SNOW . SNOWFALL RATES OF OVER AN INCH PER HOUR ARE LIKELY UNDER THE HEAVIER BANDS . VISIBILITIES VARY GREATLY AND CAN DROP TO ZERO WITHIN MINUTES . IF YOU MUST TRAVEL . . . KEEP AN EXTRA FLASHLIGHT . . . FOOD . . . BLANKETS AND A CELLULAR PHONE IN YOUR VEHICLE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY . They canceled school for today . Normally , this would be a good thing , but it 's finals week . Erg . I wanted to get them out of the way . It 's been a stressful time in my life . Period . And suddenly , shockingly , one of the biggest stresses has been lifted from my shoulders . Just gone . I walked out today into the snow , and for the first time in a long time , I looked up . I looked around me . It was snowing again , but this time , this time , it seemed beautiful , and I drove home in it . Just two more days , and I am done with this semester . And then we will begin to celebrate Christmas . Yesterday , I worked . It was a fun day , like always . I really do get a kick out of that job , out of the people there ( the customers and the employees too ) . No funny stories to relate , not really , just a simple gladness , on the part of everyone . I saw friends there . Doug came to the front of the store carrying two gas cans . " No , " I said , " You are not getting gas cans for Patsy for Christmas ! Might I suggest a nice piece of jewelry ? " Doug got a confused look on his face . " Well , I 've already bought her all the power tools I want . " We saw Dave and his boy . They 've had flooding where they live . I knew that because I saw his wife the day before . We talked about jobs . Everyone is working , but there is this sense that everything could change in a minute . Do you suppose we 'll ever get back to the point where people can simply rely on their jobs again ? I saw kids with their fathers buying gifts for their mothers . I saw kids with their mothers buying gifts for their fathers . I pointed out barn boots for kids to one woman and the next thing I know she was on the cell phone and getting sizes for half the county , seems like . We had our Christmas party for the store , and that was fun too . Lots of laughing . Good food . I delivered gifts from Santa . There are so many good stories from that store . Like the time that Jeremy went to the freezer to get his mac and cheese for lunch , and discovered it was gone . Stouffer 's mac and cheese is the ' bomb ' apparently , and so when he found the empty package in the garbage , he went ballistic . He strode out on the sales floor and demanded of Gary , " What 'd you have for lunch ? " Gary replied , " A baloney sandwich and yogurt . " Jeremy replied " Okay . . . " and headed off to Bob to ask him the same question . Bob said , " I went home for lunch , " and Jeremy stormed off to find Jessica who was on the register . When he posed the question to her , she said , " Oh . I had mac and cheese . It was the best mac and cheese ever . . . man . . . that stuff was good , " and she went on for some time while he stood in total shock and disbeliePosted by Today , at Tractor Supply , we were busier then you can possibly believe . I worked steadily , and the customers never stopped . I left at 6 , an hour later than usual , and still we were busy . It was a fun day , none the less . People were good natured , and there was a lot of laughing . People loved the pooping reindeer at the check out counter . They are little plastic reindeer which ' poop ' chocolate candies . That made people laugh . I said , " It ain 't Christmas until the reindeer poop . " I sold quite a number of them . Like I said , it was busy , and suddenly there was a break in my line , just for a moment . Then a man on crutches came swinging into my aisle . He was about 3 , 3 1 / 2 feet tall , one legged , and I think that he may have been walking on the knee of the one leg remaining . I immediately thought ' IED ' and ' war wound ' . The thing was , he was beautiful , really , a good looking young man , bearded , big brown eyes . And in those eyes , there was not one bit of self pity . Not one bit . He bought some clamps for a battery . He was cheerful , and a talker , like me . When I went out into the parking lot later , I saw him working on a car . Then he hopped into it , and he drove off . You know , I watched this , and what I felt was mad . Unaccountably mad . I was angry for what this young man lost , even though it didn 't seem to bother him . Something else also made me mad . I thought of all the able bodied young men I know , who find excuses for themselves , feel sorry for themselves , complain constantly about their bad breaks . " It 's not fair . It 's not fair . " They 're ' getting screwed . ' That young man knew about bad breaks . He also knew that life is what you make it . It would do us all good to stop right this minute , and consider that . Today , a man with a bandaged face came to my register with his wife . I looked at him and said , " Tell me , did you fall ? Tear a tear duct , and split your forehead ? " And his one uncovered eye surveyed me in surprise . " Yeah , " he said , cautiously . " Your boy was in here to pick up your layway yesterday . He said you didn 't want tPosted by Got another test knocked out today . I think that I did okay . We 're bracing for another storm to hit beginning Saturday night . Oy . I 'm about tired of winter . A young couple came in tonight , she very , very pregnant . " When 's the baby due ? " I asked , and they said , the 19th . They live far out in the jing weeds . I said , " Wow . I 'll bet you 're keeping a close eye on the weather . . . " The man explained that they had a good four wheel drive , and that he 'd also finished his emergency responder 's class . " If I have to , I can deliver that baby myself ! " he said . His wife said , " Um . No . " They headed out the door laughing . " Bring the baby in sometime , " I said , and they said that they would . Today a woman came in and bought a bunch of gift cards . I commented that somebody was going to be happy at Christmas . She said , " Our farm got hit by the tornadoes last summer . People came from all over to help . We 're remembering them this Christmas . " And she got that emotional look that people get when they 've come through a hard time and discovered how great people are . A little girl came in with her Grandpa . They did some Christmas shopping for Grandma . The little girl made everyone in line laugh , when she announced , " Last year my grandpa bought jewelry for my grandma , a necklace and some earrings and SHE NEVER EVEN WORE THEM ONCE ! " And she got a very disapproving look on her little face . " This year I picked the necklace out , that 's how I know she 'll wear it . " That 's today . Headed to bed . Morning comes early . This is heavy snow . Driving in this stuff makes me nervous . This , my friends , is a white out . You will see that you cannot see much beyond the hood of the car . Driving in this stuff makes me sick to my stomach . * * * * * This morning , they did have school after all . I was driving in , and went to make my left turn . I heard the hiss of the anti - lock brakes , and the car continued on past the road I meant to turn down . " Well , " I said , " Why don 't I just take the scenic route this day ? " So I turned off the turn signal and continued on , just like I had meant to do that . The route is a little longer , and surprisingly , it was quite icy compared to my usual route . I made it to class about five minutes late . On the way to school today , I sweated bullets once again about that essay . To my mind , I wasn 't sure if it proved my case , and so I worried . I finally gave myself a little mental ' shake ' , and said , " Listen . It is what it is . " For whatever reason , this essay just about killed me , but I know for a fact that I gave it my very best effort . I figured that it was a good solid B , most likely , and once again , I told myself " A B is not a bad thing . Grow up ! " I saw a woman from that class in the hall earlier in the day . She looked sick . Really , she looked like I felt , so I stopped . I said , " Well , are you ready for today , " and she said , " No . " And I said , " Me either . " I told her about my late decision to totally rewrite it . She said , " You 're kidding ! " I said , " No . I 'm not . So I 'm pretty sure that this is going to be my worst essay , and I 'm sick about doing the thing in front of the class , but I can tell you for sure : I 'll be darn glad to have this class done and over . " Turns out that she 's writing two essays simultaneously . The one due today , and the one due maybe three weeks ago . I stared . " Your essay for your presentation is not done ? " and she said , " I 've never turned in a paper on time . " I was shocked . " Really ? Do you get in trouble ? " and she said , " No . " Huh . Who knew ? Ah , well . It 's done . In any case , I gave my presentation about the Posted by Holy guacamole , Batman . It 's done . I got the darned ' persuasive argument ' done . Last night , after I went to bed , I could not sleep . It was not right . I was just convinced of it . This afternoon , after lunch , I decided to redo it . The whole paper . The whole subject . I got my material . I left the library . I went to work , and when I got home from work at 8 : 30 , I sat down and wrote me a paper . The lady at the library advised me not to change at the last minute . I really thought that I shouldn 't either , but then it just seemed the more that I thought about it , the less choice I had . So I redid it . It is done . It is now 3 AM . I have to get up at 7 . I 'm going to bed all you fine people . PS . It 's snowing again . What do you wanna bet me that tomorrow school will be closed . After I sat up all night writing this paper . Gah ! Here 's a funny story for you . This afternoon , I walked out of the library , all sick about this paper . It was snowing so hard it was like a white out . I stopped , and thought , " Gees , I 've got to drive home in this mess . It was heck getting here this morning and now , it 's going to be heck getting home . " Even as I stood there thinking my grumpy thoughts , a young man bursts out the door . He holds his arms skyward and twirls a little and says , " Isn 't this beautiful ? Just like a winter wonderland . " I looked at him , and , people , I 'm telling you , for a brief moment there were homicidal tendencies in my heart . I laughed out loud , and said , " What ? Are you nuts ? The only wonder I 've got is if this will stop , " and we laughed together walking to our cars . This morning , much to our surprise , we woke up to another 10 inches of snow . Tim wants you to know that this is the fifth day that he 's been out shoveling and plowing and each time he 's been moving at least six inches of snow . The forecast ? 12 more inches by tomorrow morning . He says that we 'll have to begin shoveling the roofs off . Just for measuring purposes , that white board running beneath the roof ? It 's six inches wide . The driveway has been plowed or shoveled every day . Couldn 't guess that from the pictures , huh ? That ' hump ' in the middle of the trellis . That 's the top of my bird bath , filled with snow . The thing is probably 18 inches high . No . They have not canceled school . Let me get going . PS : It 's still snowing . So . What 's it doing in your neck of the woods ? Did not take pictures today . Did take one final exam . Am confident that I did not ' bomb ' it . Did work on my paper today , for several hours . I am sure that it 's presentation will not go well . It discusses what I refer to as the ' lost boys , ' those young men who are , age wise , young men , but behave more as little boys , irresponsible , petulant , unmotivated , expecting to be taken care of and whining bitterly when they are not . My paper compares their attitudes against the attitudes of those who have come before them . How was that lost ? What has changed ? I think that it is a sound paper . Not spectacular . It will not be a popular paper because as much as I stress the fact that these ' lost boys ' are a subgroup , that not all of this generation is lost , my listeners will listen to this paper and feel angry and misunderstood . I can 't come up with anything else , however . Not at this late date . It is due on Thursday . I 've got about six pages of an eight - to - ten page paper written . I did not stay for my last class . The weather was getting pretty blustery . After spending most of the day in a computer lab , my legs were so cold that I could barely stand the pains . I made an executive decision to come home and work there . Tomorrow , I will go back to school , and I will hit that paper hard one more time . Hopefully , it will be done . I will go to my class , and begin studying for a final on Tuesday . Wednesday , I have a final essay to write ( they begin with the citations . If there is an error there , you 've failed , and they don 't even read your exam . I then have one more final exam , and ( finally ) I will be done . Wednesday afternoon , the semester will be officially done for me . On one hand , that doesn 't seem like such a long time . On the other hand , it seems like it will never get here . Well , let me get back to it . We 've gotten about 12 inches of snow in the last 24 hours . That was added on to the 8 inches of snow that we had laying on the ground since Saturday . It shows no sign of letting up . The schools were all closed in our county , but they did not close the college . I weighed the situation carefully , and decided that since my road was plowed , I would make the trip . It got worse as I went , and by the time that I got to the town where the college is , the roads were truly awful . Worst of all ? The college parking lot needed to be plowed so badly that people were getting stuck . They should have closed the campus . After class , I drove back home , in white out conditions for probably half the trip . By the time I hit my neck of the woods , it was about an hour before I was supposed to go to work , so I did not bother to even go home . I got a hair cut , and I went to work . It 's still snowing . By the time that I came out of work , I had another six inches of snow to brush off my car . I drove up our hill with my heart in my throat . It was snowing like crazy , and visibility was virtually nil , but you didn 't dare stop lest you never get started again . They are calling for another 4 - 10 inches in the next 24 hours . Watching it come down , I 'd have to say that 's a conservative estimate . They closed the campus tonight . If it doesn 't stop , I can 't imagine that they 'd have school tomorrow . Yeah . Tomorrow , I 'll take pictures . Today , I was able to go to church for the second week in a row . I 've given up my Sunday School teaching spot , because it is just too frustrating to have to find a sub if I 'm working . I gave up worship leader for the same reason , and it 's been bugging me . Those things are part of my own identity . I 've been a Sunday School teacher for most of the time that I 've attended church , and it feels strange not to be one . In any case , I was able to teach class today , and I do enjoy the kids . I 've known most of them since they were wee and now some of them are in high school . There 's one boy whose voice has changed . Each time that he speaks , it startles me a little . But the class was lively , and fun , and short too , since we are practicing for the Christmas pagent as well . As the kids left , I lingered a little , to water our plant . As one of the boys headed out the door , he called out , " ' Bye . Love you ! " and then stopped . Surprised . He hadn 't meant to say that . I looked at him . I 've known him since he was a pippersqueak , and now he 's as tall , or maybe even taller than me . A little flustered , he said , " Well . We 're all family . It 's okay , I guess . " I looked at him , with my watering can in hand , and I said , " I love you too . " He flashed me a smile , and then was on his way . I will miss those little interactions . Gees . I 'm just struck by a great big bolt of stupid . I 'm trying to write another flipping debate . I 'm so everlastingly sick of debates . I can debate another person . I am tired of debating myself . I 've begun this stupid essay a dozen times , and it doesn 't work . It simply doesn 't work . I began again tonight . It doesn 't work . I stopped . I am discouraged . I couldn 't find my corkscrew ( Cara ? ) but Tim bought me another while he was downtown . He knew an emergency when he saw it . I had three glasses of wine tonight , while weeping over " The Grapes of Wrath " . Now I am tired . A little drunk . But I have a topic . Too tipsy to write it though . Dang . Late Edit : And did the ' Essay Writing Elves ' come in the night to type busily and complete this project for me , leaving it laying on my computer desk ? No . They did not . Stupid elves . I know for a fact that the shoemakers aren 't keeping them that busy . And just how many cookies does the world need ? And the topic still holds up when scrutinized in the dawn 's early light . Thank goodness . Posted by Our company will be leaving today . It was a nice visit . He went to class with me , and then we stopped for lunch on the way home . Even though we do not see each other regularly , there is a comfortableness between us , and we can sit and talk for . . . well . . . just about forever , I imagine . We 've never run out of words yet . I had to work last night . An elderly couple came in the store . When I 'm cashiering , I have to remain within view of my register , but he came walking up and said , " Where would I find your nuts and bolts and stuff like that ? " I said , " Walk down this aisle right here , and you see that big banner at the end of that aisle coming off the left ? The one that says ' hardware ' ? " I assured him that if he walked down that aisle , he 'd find more nuts and bolts than he knew what to do with . And they laughed a little and headed off . I was puttering around , facing things , keeping a close eye on my register just in case it began to do tricks or something , and the couple headed back up front . The man held up two large bags of washers and said , " Well , I got a washer or two . . . " I said to his wife , " Do you suppose now he 'll do laundry ? " in an interested way . She assured me that he would not . I sighed and said , " Well , if my Tim ever did the laundry , I 'd be thinking someone else was wearing his pants that day . " And we laughed together . After I was done at the store , I needed to head over to Walmart . Cara had come home the previous night , and then , after everyone had gone to bed , she 'd gotten in her car and headed off the hill . She 'd sat up late , talking with our visitor . He 'd mentioned an old picture of the two of them , taken back when she was about three . They were walking away from my camera , hand and hand on the beach , his head inclined towards her as they talked . Their bond was there from the beginning , truly , because Cara had that particular picture in her room . So she 'd sneaked out to the Walmart at well after midnight and she got that picture copied , got a card and a nice frame for it . I had to stop in and pick the picture uPosted by Yesterday , I went to class . It was D - Day . We handed in those assignments one right after another until the only thing left was our presentations . Each group was supposed to do three presentations . There were two of us . So I said to Procrastination Girl , " Who 's doing the final presentation ? " She looked at me in her passively helpful way and said , " Really , it doesn 't matter to me . I can do it . " I knew full well that she did not want to , not really , because she 's nervous about speaking before groups , but I 'd asked her straight out . She did what she has done from the start of this project . Offer to help , and then not follow through . I 'd written the whole report . She 'd corrected some equipment names but hadn 't even bothered to respond to the final e - mail with the finished report . She made a poster . As she sat there looking wide eyed and anxious , waiting for me to take the final presentation , I just thought , " No . " So I looked at her and said , " Well , if you really don 't mind , it would be a relief if you took the third presentation . Thanks . I appreciate it . " And I went back to my desk and sat down . I suppose that it was not fair . I 'd been supportive and nurturing and encouraging right along , and to suddenly change gears so to speak , to not be affected by her helpless anxiety wasn 't fair . Still , when it came time for presentations , I heard my name being called by the teacher . I looked over . The teacher asked , " Are you presenting twice ? " I said , " Well , I was under the impression that Rachel was doing two . . . " and the teacher said , " That was supposed to have been decided . . . " and I thought things that I could not say . Rachel stood there with an anxious expression on her face as the teacher made the decision in my moment of speechlessness . " Debby , you 're presenting twice then . " Arg . But it 's done . And it feels good to be done . One more week of class . December 2nd . It 's here . My projects are due . ( check ) Done . ( check ) Ready to be handed in . ( Check ) Presentation ready . ( check ) House cleaned . ( Well , it 's better . . . half a check ) Bed in spareroom cleared , ironing hidden in my ' office ' . ( check ) Ham and potatoes and onion simmering in the crock pot with a stick of butter , ready to be made into a cream of potato soup tonight when I get home from school . ( check ) Company coming . ( check ) Cara coming home for the evening . ( check ) . Really . I 'm about as ready as I 'm going to be . Well . Except for the fact that I 'm sitting here at the computer in my bathrobe , still finishing my coffee . Other than that , though , I 'm ready . So , yesterday , I was cleaning the house , ripping stuff apart , rearranging furniture and dusting big time . I heard a crashing out front of the house , and I thought ' Oh , good , the snowplow 's going through . ' But I didn 't hear the rest of the rumbling that one expects to hear when the snow plow goes by . So I stopped what I was doing and looked out the window to see a Suburu stationwagon driving through our yard . He 'd lost control on the road , and tore through the stones around the garden that surrounds two large oaks , missing those oaks by no more than a foot . He 'd shot past the trees and out the other side of the garden . Shaken , he drove to the driveway and stopped , getting out to survey the damage . I put on some boots and headed out . " Are you okay ? " I asked . He looked shocked . " Yes . I thought I was going to hit those trees head on . Scared myself . " He looked at the yard . " I never expected that the plow would not have gone through yet . " " Yeah , I know , I started off for school , but the roads were bad enough that I simply turned around and came back home . That was more than two hours ago , and it 's still snowing . Is your car okay ? " He looked under his it . " I can 't believe that I didn 't tear something up . I figured I 'd be losing all kinds of fluids after plowing through those rocks . It seems alright , though . I really can 't believe that after all that , I 'm still going out hunting . " He looked around and said , " Hey , I 'll be back in the spring to fix those rocks back the way they were . " " Nah . Don 't worry about it . I can set my own rocks back . I 'm glad that you 're okay . " He said , " Well , I guess I 'll go hunting then . Maybe I 'd better slow it down . " " Sounds like a good idea to me . " We waved and I headed back for the house as he headed back to his car . That 's life in the boonies . The road still is not cleared off . It 's been raining here for the last two days . Raining hard , too . This morning , that rain has turned to snow , and it is coming down hard . I went out and swept the snow off the car and started it , early too , allowing myself extra time for the inclimate weather . Heading out , the slush on the roads was bad and things were slick . When I got to the road that takes me off the hill , one look told me , " Yeah . Not today . " I turned around and headed back . Although I could have taken another route off the hill , the detour would have taken extra time . It was late enough that I 'd probably have been quite late for that 50 minute class . I sent an e - mail to the teacher explaining what had happened . Probably for the best . I 've got a lot of stuff I can be doing in this house . Let me get up from this computer and do it . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
One of our neighbors stopped by the store . " Hey , Steve ! " I called out . He said , " Are you and Tim all set for 2011 ? " I laughed . " 2010 did not ask for permission , and you know , I don 't get a notion that 2011 is going to ask for permission either . It 's just going to barge in and set up whether I 'm ready or not . " It 's very difficult for me to look forward without looking back . I am glad for where I 'm at , and how far I 've come . I helped an elderly man out the door and loaded up his chicken feed for him . His wife said , " Oh , this is embarrassing for him , but he 's just had a pacemaker put in , and I am not going to let him lift because the doctor told him not to . " And he grumbled . He did not like standing there while a woman loaded his chicken feed . At 83 , though , I told him , I thought that he deserved a break . " I feel great , " he grumbled . " I feel like I could be lifting chicken feed . " And I grinned at him . " You listen to me , " I said . " I 'm throwing this chicken feed around like it 's nobody 's business , and two years ago , I couldn 't have done that either . " I waggled my finger at him . " You just mind the doctor and your wife . It 'll make your life a lot easier . " He was curious , and so was his wife . " Why couldn 't you lift chicken feed ? " and I said , " I had cancer . I had to take it easy for a few months , and I did . Cancer was a season . Now that season is finished . " We talked about faith . We talked about hard times . We talked about getting over it . I said , " Now , I 'm loading your truck and feeling grateful to God that I can . So let me . " And they did . That 's how it is , isn 't it ? We all move in and out through the different seasons of our lives , and we help each other as we are able . Once again , I think how cleverly designed this world is , that our stories are completed by the stories of others , that our stories complete their stories . Those stories ? They 're meant to be told . Happy New Year , everyone ! We were supposed to have company in on New Year 's eve . Tim 's brother and wife and their little boy . However , I 'm pretty hoarse . No cold symptoms to go along with it , just sound perfectly awful , and I think that I scared poor Dawn off , mostly because Brady already is running a fever . She certainly doesn 't need a sick baby to bring in the New Year . I am very disappointed , because we were looking forward to watching Brady opening his Christmas gifts . What terrible timing for this ' thing ' , whatever it is . Tim and I sat looking at each other . Cara 's friend is coming in for the evening , but the last thing they want to be doing is ' hanging with the old folks ' . " Maybe we could go see a movie , " Tim suggested . " Meh . We could , I suppose . " I said . So , that is what we will do . I 'll make homemade pepperoni rolls for everyone for tomorrow night , and Tim and I will go take in a movie , and probably make it until midnight , and then we will sleep in late on New Year 's day . PARTY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ( * coff * * wheeze * ) I walked back into work today , and Jeremy grinned . " How 's your head ? " he asked . " Well , " I said , to jerk his chain some , " I didn 't know whether I was coming in today or not . " He got a surprised look . I continued : " Yeah , it doesn 't seem right that you show up for work after you 've gotten canned . " Anyways , remember that couple I told you about ? Their dog died ? Well , they were in tonight , and much to my surprise , they had a new white shepherd type dog , a puppy , timid , five months old , a spitting image of their old dog . They just happened to contact a friend up in Potsdam . He had some dogs he was raising for sled dogs , but he had this one that was not going to work out . She was too shy , of people , of other dogs . He didn 't want her . The couple took her immediately , and it was a five hour trip to get her . They brought her in the store , just like their old dog , and she clung close to her new owners watching us warily . I gave her a cookie . She smelled it , interested , but too afraid to take it from my hand . I gave it to her owner . Everyone stood jawjacking as the dog waited patiently . Gary said , " She 'll get used to the store in a hurry . You 're in here all the time . " The man says , " She 's had a lot to get used to . She never was inside a house before . She sure does love sleeping in the bed ! " We laughed . I said , " Well , it will help socialize her , being in a store , around people . It 'll be good for her , " and the woman agreed . They took their time in the store , but finally , they came up to the counter . They had dog food , and a new purple collar , and a new leash . Kyra was still timid , but curiously she nosed the credit card machine , and when a woman came in line behind them , the dog walked up to her and quietly studied the woman with intelligent eyes . When the woman spoke to her kindly , she nosed her hand . Her owners looked on , amazed at the changes happening already . I watched this small drama playing out . The man said to the woman behind them , " I think that you 're the first person she 's ever voluntarily greeted , " and he told the stoPosted by So , today , I was at work , and it was freight day . I was lifting a case of dog food to a shelf when the cardboard tray buckled , and one of the cans slipped free and hit me on my forehead . It stunned me at first , and I saw stars , but it was really a very minor thing and within sixty seconds , I was clear headed and looking back at everyone looking at me . Bob went off to get a bandaid . Ike and Dave decided that it should be reported , and so it was . Ike made the call , and then he spent probably 20 minutes answering what seemed like fourteen hundred thirty eleven questions . I sat there answering the questions he couldn 't . Finally it was done . Ike hung up the phone looked at me very seriously . He shook his head . " Gees , " he said , " It might have been easier to just shoot ya . " I about fell out of my chair laughing . Really , we have the best crew . We laugh as hard as we work . And when we were done laughing , we got right back to it . I worked Christmas eve , and it was a long day . Busy , just like it has been . A tiny little red haired girl pushed a guinea pig toy up on the counter . I said to her , " So are you going to wrap this and give it to your guinea pig for Christmas ? " She solemnly nodded . Then she said , " Mommy said we gave our dog the best Christmas present we could give her , " and I cheerfully said , " So what did the dog get ? " and her little lip quivered and she said , " She 's not suffering no more . We had her put to sleep . " Dear God . One more dead dog story is going to push me right over the edge , I swear . As Hal and Bob would say , " Darn sinuses ! " It 's been a nice Christmas day , a quiet one . Presents and kids , and quiet times doing puzzles and laughing together . We watched a couple videos . I 'll write more later . Right now , I 'm headed for bed . Dylan heads back home tomorrow , and we have another party tomorrow evening . Merry Christmas everyone ! I don 't usually have supper at work . That 's okay . But yesterday , it was busy , I got called in early , and I had to take a supper break . I needed to get out of the store for a little , so I got myself an iced tea and a sandwich . The iced tea was good on my sore throat . I drank it all down . I even got a second one . I got home from work last night knowing that I had to get my hinder to bed . I had the morning shift . I went to bed and tossed and turned and tossed and turned . I do this to myself on an astoundingly regular basis . Maybe I should write it down , or tattoo it on my arm . " I cannot drink caffeine after 6 PM . I cannot drink caffeine after 6 . I cannot drink . . . " Only one more day before Christmas . Gads . Hope my caffeine this morning works as well as the stuff last night . Duh . This is my gift to the world . I sure am making you feel lots smarter than me , huh ? The store manager called and said , " So what are you doing ? " and I said , " Why ? The store busy ? " and he said , " Get down here . . . " and I said , " Well , you 'll have to give me an hour . " He said , " Why ? " and I said , " Because I 'm in my pajamas , okay ? " and laughed . He said , " What are you doing still in your pajamas ? " ( it was 1 PM ) and I said , in a very defensive way , " Hey , I 'm wrapping presents , okay ? " I got myself showered and dressed , out the door , and into work . It was busy alright . We had our busiest day since Black Friday . I was at the register , when Ike paged me . I had a phone call on line three . It was Cara . " Where 's your debit card ? " she wanted to know . She was picking up Tim 's Christmas gift for me because I had to leave for work early . " I 've got it , " I said . " I left you cash on the coffee table . " A customer said , in a hopeful way , " So did you leave me cash on the coffee table ? " and the line laughed . Business was non - stop , one customer after another , after another . We all were in high spirits , playing pranks on one another . My sister and brother - in - law stopped by the store with a huge batch of homebaked cookies and bread and a pumpkin roll . That was an extremely welcome gift . I was trying to figure out how to fit in the baking , and suddenly discovering that I did not have to . . . well . . . that was a relief . I cannot believe that tomorrow is Christmas eve already . Dylan will be here by the time that I get home from work . I have an entire weekend off , and I am looking forward to it . Well , let me get myself ( and my cold ) off to bed . Only one more day until Christmas . I got my Christmas cards practically done . The far away ones won 't get there in time , but , hey , the Christmas cards are just about done . Cara and I whipped the tree up today . I got home and discovered that she 'd set up the nativity and the Christmas village as well . That was nice . When I went to work today , I saw a couple regular customers . They usually have a big white dog , a very vocal dog , almost like he 's trying to talk . They love that dog . He goes everywhere with them . Anyways , they were in the store today , and , oddly , their dog was not with them . I was in the process of reaching for a dog cookie , when I realized the dog was not there . I must have looked confused . The man said , " He died yesterday morning . His heart just stopped . " And the woman stood by him with a quiet face , and the tears welled in her eyes . Yeah . You know what happened next . I 'm offering my condolences with tears of my own . They left with their purchases . A coworker came over with a puzzled look . " Where 's their dog ? " I explained that he 'd died . Dave said , " You 're kidding . . . " because the dog had just been in the day before yesterday . I heard him head back to find Gary . " What ? " Gary said . " That big white one ? " and Dave said , " Yes . " Gary said , " Well that 's a damn shame , " and Dave said , " They never went anywhere without that dog . " That 's the kind of place I work at . A place where news like that makes us all feel sorry . Yesterday , I went Christmas shopping with Cara . When you have a kid as particular about her clothes as Cara , you do NOT want to buy her clothes for Christmas . Well . Not clothes of your own choosing , anyway . If I think something is cute , you can bet the ranch on the fact that Cara will think it 's awful . So shopping went like this : " I really need a book to study for the GRE . " ( This while we are standing in the middle of Waldenbook , coincidently , right in front of the GRE study guides . ) I reach down for one . Cara says , " Not that one . The Barron one . And I 'd like a Korean dictionary . " Then I said , " Leave the store please , " and then I picked out the books and took them to the register . Then it was on to clothes shopping . I 'd pick something out and her little lip would curl . " No , Mom . Nobody wears something like that . " I look bewilderedly about me . I am surrounded by people that are wearing stuff just like that . I did pick one little outfit for her . I got a gift receipt . I 'm sure she 'll take it back . And then we were supposed to meet at Aeropostale , but I ran into someone I knew , and blabbed for a minute . I also ducked into a store to check on something . By the time that I got to Aeropostale , she was not there . So I shopped around , and I saw a hoodie that made me think of her right away , so I bought it . Without her permission . I was waiting patiently in front of the store for her to come back , and she finally did , carrying coffees for the two of us . ( That was nice . ) " I found a sweatshirt , " she said . Clutching my bags , I said , noncommitally , " Oh ? " and she said , " Yes . I 'll show you . . . " and she headed into the store . I followed . She headed to the back corner of the store where I 'd selected her sweatshirt from . Looked good . She headed directly to the corner where the rounder I 'd got her shirt from was , and I was thinking , " Hah ! I nailed this one ! " . . . . and then walked right past it to another shirt hanging on the wall . " This one , " she said . " That 's nice , " I said , flipping through the sweatshirts on the rounder , and holding uPosted by You know what the best feeling is in the whole wide , wide world ? IMHO ? It is knowing that your child conducts him / herself with honor , and that this has been done with no knowledge or input from you . That your child possesses principles and courage to stand behind those convictions . Today , I had a glimpse of what I am leaving this world , and I can tell you that it is beautiful . Just beautiful . It 's no secret that I enjoy the dogs that come to the store . There is one exuberant Newfie who comes into the store . He knows the drill . He knows that when he comes to the checkout , we 'll give him a biscuit from under the counter . So I saw this big fellow heading down the aisle , tail wagging , tongue lolling , I reached down and dug out one of the large sized dog biscuits . I was waiting for him . I leaned across the counter to speak with him and give him his cookie when unexpectedly , he leapt up and gave me a big slobbery kiss on my face . I love dogs . I do . I love that they know me , and they are glad to see me . Really . Despite all of that , I must say . . . um . . . ick . Cara is home , and her friend helped her move her things back home . She 'll be home until March , when she heads to Korea . That will be nice . She 'll need a job . We sat up talking until 10 last night ( late night for me ) , and then I went to bed and I slept soundly until well after 8 . It 's been a long time since I woke up feeling as if I 'd had enough sleep . Two friends have been ' officially ' diagnosed with cancer this week . Bad cancers . Man . It just seems like that stuff is everywhere . Just everywhere . Only four more days ' til Christmas . Dear heavens . I have so much to do . . . Well , that young boy we tried to help out ? It did not work out . Lesson to be learned here , I suppose . When someone tells you that they 've been living in a tent , this means that they 've probably made some poor decisions . He was a compulsive liar , blatently disrespectful of the other tenants and any rules . He was a video game addict with little ambition . We 've never evicted a tenant before , but he was a security issue , and we were concerned . Evictions can take a while , and he simply stopped paying rent as soon as he knew he was evicted . We had every landlord 's worst fear . Tim is a follower of Dave Ramsey 's radio show . He told the boy , " We 'll pay you $ 200 if you are out by this weekend . " The decision flies in the face of all that is fair and reasonable , doesn 't it ? But the benefits were that he was out by this weekend , he did not damage the apartment , ( we were worried about that ) and that we saved a bundle on legal fees too . Since he had stopped paying rent , we stood to lose much , much more . Valuable life lesson learned . If a person is in a dire situation , look at them closely . You may see why . Tim and I have both talked about this . We will never again take in a tenant because we feel sorry for him . Bob B ? Yep . You can say , ' I told you so . ' * waits humbly * Here 's a bad story from Tractor Supply . There is a fellow who considers himself a big shot in the local agricultural arena . He hires transients to pick his stuff . He has two elderly locals who help him all year around . I won 't do business with him because he also hires kids to pick for him . He works like this : He pays by the quart , but when the kids hand their quarts to him , he says , " These are not full quarts . " He then combines the contents of the baskets , heaping them full . In this way , he gets about 1 1 / 3 quarts of produce picked for the price of a quart . Before he put the produce out to sell , he removes that mound of berries , and replaces it into other baskets , turning that 3 quarts of berries back into 4 quarts of berries . Like I said , I do not do business with the man . There are plenty of folks around who are ethical and good . I will not deal with a crook who steals from the pockets of the people who work for him , yet he is quick to pull the " I 'm just a simple farmer who loves the land " routine when it benefits him . He takes . He does not give back . He is a very heavy man who has been unfailingly polite to me . He calls me ' dear ' and he calls me ' honey ' . This sets my teeth on edge because I think that he is an odious man , but what can I say ? I call people ' hon ' too , and I suppose that it could be just a habit . I give him the benefit of the doubt and just stay very guarded with him . I don 't like him . In any case , he was into the store with the elderly lady who helps him , a woman who is in her seventies . She is always poorly dressed and dirty and tired looking , and it bothers me to see her . He came up to the register , and set his things up , and said to his helper in his very important way , " Lift that up for her , " gesturing to a sack of feed . I quickly said , " No . That is not necessary . I can reach , " and I walked around the counter with my pricer and got the bag . He was getting some Christmas shopping done too , and I rang him up for those things , and in his careless , nonchalant way , he pushed his check at me , and cPosted by My next appointment at the cancer center is in early February . I 'm considering going off Tamoxifen . If anyone reading this has done so , would you please contact me via e - mail ? There is a link on my profile . I am collecting data right now and would like be able to speak with others who have been in my shoes . Thanks . Today , a mother and daughter came in and bought a ' creeper ' . The daughter said , " So how are we going to sneak that in the house ? " and the mother admitted that she did not have a clue . The daughter dashed around and came back with a king size KitKat bar . She opened her little purse and paid for it . She said to her mother , " I tell him I have a surprise for him in my room , and then I 'll give him the KitKat , while you sneak his present in . " The mother smiled at her daughter . " You think that will work ? " she asked . " Yep . Dad 's EASY . He loves KitKats , " and off they went plotting away . One of our farmers came in with his little boy , and when I saw them next , they were at the register and the father was saying , " Now , you remember , this is our secret . " And the little boy opened the blue velvet jewelry case to make sure the earrings were still inside before reaching up to set them on the counter . Gary was at the other register helping out , and the little boy watched him closely as he rang up the the jewelry . Gary asked who he was buying the jewelry for , and he said , " Mommy ! " and he was excited . I looked over . " Gees , Gary , I think that might be just about the luckiest mom in the world , " and the little boy nodded in agreement . I remember when the kids were small and the excitement of all of those secrets . I also remember the Christmas eve that Dylan leaned close to me and said excitedly , " I can 't wait for you to open your microwave . " I really miss having kids around . A lot . Yesterday , it was about the cutest darn thing you ever saw in your life . A little boy , maybe three , three and a half was in deep conversation with his grandma , clutching a tractor that he wanted . Grandma said , " Well , you need to talk to Santa , and tell him what you want . . . " Our little pippersqueak stood there clutching a box , with an unconvinced look on his face , trying to decide if he should press the issue , or whether Santa was actually watching him . So I leaned across the counter and rested my chin on my hand . " You know , " I said in a very confidential tone , " Santa does come in to Tractor Supply . I was pretty surprised , but there he was , Santa Claus himself , right here . He comes in when there are no children in the store . " And the boy looked at me , eyes wide with the wonder of such a thing . He said , very seriously , " Well , when you see him , tell him that Cole wants this tractor . . . " I said , " I surely will . I will tell Santa . " Oh , my gosh . It was so stinking cute it made me grin all day long , every single time I thought of it . I worked today , and I made it by the skin of my teeth . I 'd managed to get stuck in the driveway , at the end , where the snow plow leaves that ' hump ' of snow . I dashed back to grab the snow shovel , and dug my tires out . I tossed the shovel under the pine tree , hopped in the car , and " rocked it " out . I backed up , got a new start , and made it out of the driveway . I ran to the store , and Jeremy was waiting , a little anxiously . It was just him and me for the morning . We had two people out sick . If I would not have showed , he 'd have been on his own and that would have been a nightmare . I burst through the front doors . " Sorry , sorry , sorry ! I got stuck and had to dig myself out . " " No , you 're here , we 're good , " and I kept on running past him to punch in and grab my vest . The customers were great though . A woman asked me where our rain gear was , and I directed her . " See that umbrella back there ? " and she turned to me with the biggest smile on her face . " Yes , " she said . " Yes , I can and last month , I couldn 't have seen it . " After being told that nothing could be done for her vision , she headed down south for a second opinion . It was worth the trip , because now she can see . I was waiting on another customer , and she commented about how busy it was . " It is , but you know what ? People are awfully patient . This is a good place to work , and I even am enjoying the Christmas rush . " The man behind her looked at me . " That 's because you 're dealing with farmers , " he said . " Not everyone who walks in the door is a farmer , but you get a lot of ' em . " I smiled . " You 're right . I 've always said that the people that I deal with every day are the salt of the earth , and it makes all the difference in the world . " It does , too . Remember Mr . M ? He popped into the store today . " I really liked your last article , " he said . " It reminded me of my dad . " He then went on to tell me that every hunting season , he still wears his dad 's hunting vest , a way to keep his dad close when he hunts . I looked at him , white headed , a beard that would make Santa jealous . ItDebby You know how sometimes you don 't even realize how close you came to disaster , because the disaster actually had not happened ? Well , consider this . Yesterday was the last day of school for me . I had three finals starting at 8 AM . The weather has been horrible , so basically , my intention was to be prepared for anything . I set my alarm for 5 : 30 . I went to bed , and I slept surprisingly soundly . I woke up at 5 : 10 and immediately thought of the weather . I leapt from the bed to check the driveway and discovered that we 'd gotten more snow , so I decided to simply get up and get going , and allow myself some extra drive time . I needed it too . The roads were bad on the way to school and they were bad coming home . ( I stopped to check on a young man who had flipped his Jeep . ) I had my lovely relaxed afternoon , and I went to bed a little bit early . I was tired out . A lot of excitement this week . I sat down on the side of the bed and reached for my alarm clock . That 's when I realized just how close I 'd come to disaster . My alarm was set for 5 : 30 PM . If I had not waked up early , I would have overslept . The alarm would not have woke me up . I 'm very grateful for those small miracles of my life . I am sitting at the computer desk at 2 : 19 PM in my flannel green plaid pajama pants and my lastest thrift store find - a lovely oversized Woolrich sweater , green wool . I have a rather large glass of wine beside me that I am sipping . Here 's the wonderful thing . Classes are done . Those finals are out of the way . I was shocked to find that I may have screwed one up , badly , but I don 't think that I 'm anywhere close to failing the course . I picked up the last of my graded assignments and read the teacher 's comments walking down the hall . On a paper I 'd written on goal setting , the comment was : " I appreciate your honesty , candor , and willingness to look at yourself . However , I want to tell you to be kind to yourself , allow mistakes , and to experience joy . " I pondered that as I headed to my next final . That final was a hand written essay . I do not compose well with a pen and paper . I need the computer . My fingers fly as quickly as my thoughts , and I rearrange paragraphs and rechoose the words , I study it , and change it again . To write with a pencil , to formulate what you are trying to say and then write a coherent essay . . . well . . . there were lots of erasures . It 's not my best work . Writing is not how I think . I need a key board . Remember that essay ? That last one that I had agonized over for a couple weeks , finally rewriting it after work , sitting up until 3 AM to finish it , heading to school at 8 , and then doing a days worth of classes on little sleep ? The essay , if you care to be reminded , was on the marginalization of men . That teacher had commented , " Maybe it 's the pendulum thing ; it swings farther in reaction that it will when things settle down . Great paper . " And I received my final A in the class . I finished that written essay for the final exam , and then I headed out the door to the last exam of the day . I was supposed to have taken that on Monday , but could not . I had arranged to take it on Tuesday , but school was closed , and so I took it today , because tomorrow , I have to work . When I finished that , I walked to thePosted by The weather warning for today . A LAKE EFFECT SNOW WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF LAKE - EFFECT SNOW ARE FORECAST THAT WILL MAKE TRAVEL HAZARDOUS . LAKE - EFFECT SNOW TYPICALLY FALLS AS NARROW BANDS OF HEAVY SNOW WITHIN A LARGER AREA OF LIGHTER SNOW . SNOWFALL RATES OF OVER AN INCH PER HOUR ARE LIKELY UNDER THE HEAVIER BANDS . VISIBILITIES VARY GREATLY AND CAN DROP TO ZERO WITHIN MINUTES . IF YOU MUST TRAVEL . . . KEEP AN EXTRA FLASHLIGHT . . . FOOD . . . BLANKETS AND A CELLULAR PHONE IN YOUR VEHICLE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY . They canceled school for today . Normally , this would be a good thing , but it 's finals week . Erg . I wanted to get them out of the way . It 's been a stressful time in my life . Period . And suddenly , shockingly , one of the biggest stresses has been lifted from my shoulders . Just gone . I walked out today into the snow , and for the first time in a long time , I looked up . I looked around me . It was snowing again , but this time , this time , it seemed beautiful , and I drove home in it . Just two more days , and I am done with this semester . And then we will begin to celebrate Christmas . Yesterday , I worked . It was a fun day , like always . I really do get a kick out of that job , out of the people there ( the customers and the employees too ) . No funny stories to relate , not really , just a simple gladness , on the part of everyone . I saw friends there . Doug came to the front of the store carrying two gas cans . " No , " I said , " You are not getting gas cans for Patsy for Christmas ! Might I suggest a nice piece of jewelry ? " Doug got a confused look on his face . " Well , I 've already bought her all the power tools I want . " We saw Dave and his boy . They 've had flooding where they live . I knew that because I saw his wife the day before . We talked about jobs . Everyone is working , but there is this sense that everything could change in a minute . Do you suppose we 'll ever get back to the point where people can simply rely on their jobs again ? I saw kids with their fathers buying gifts for their mothers . I saw kids with their mothers buying gifts for their fathers . I pointed out barn boots for kids to one woman and the next thing I know she was on the cell phone and getting sizes for half the county , seems like . We had our Christmas party for the store , and that was fun too . Lots of laughing . Good food . I delivered gifts from Santa . There are so many good stories from that store . Like the time that Jeremy went to the freezer to get his mac and cheese for lunch , and discovered it was gone . Stouffer 's mac and cheese is the ' bomb ' apparently , and so when he found the empty package in the garbage , he went ballistic . He strode out on the sales floor and demanded of Gary , " What 'd you have for lunch ? " Gary replied , " A baloney sandwich and yogurt . " Jeremy replied " Okay . . . " and headed off to Bob to ask him the same question . Bob said , " I went home for lunch , " and Jeremy stormed off to find Jessica who was on the register . When he posed the question to her , she said , " Oh . I had mac and cheese . It was the best mac and cheese ever . . . man . . . that stuff was good , " and she went on for some time while he stood in total shock and disbeliePosted by Today , at Tractor Supply , we were busier then you can possibly believe . I worked steadily , and the customers never stopped . I left at 6 , an hour later than usual , and still we were busy . It was a fun day , none the less . People were good natured , and there was a lot of laughing . People loved the pooping reindeer at the check out counter . They are little plastic reindeer which ' poop ' chocolate candies . That made people laugh . I said , " It ain 't Christmas until the reindeer poop . " I sold quite a number of them . Like I said , it was busy , and suddenly there was a break in my line , just for a moment . Then a man on crutches came swinging into my aisle . He was about 3 , 3 1 / 2 feet tall , one legged , and I think that he may have been walking on the knee of the one leg remaining . I immediately thought ' IED ' and ' war wound ' . The thing was , he was beautiful , really , a good looking young man , bearded , big brown eyes . And in those eyes , there was not one bit of self pity . Not one bit . He bought some clamps for a battery . He was cheerful , and a talker , like me . When I went out into the parking lot later , I saw him working on a car . Then he hopped into it , and he drove off . You know , I watched this , and what I felt was mad . Unaccountably mad . I was angry for what this young man lost , even though it didn 't seem to bother him . Something else also made me mad . I thought of all the able bodied young men I know , who find excuses for themselves , feel sorry for themselves , complain constantly about their bad breaks . " It 's not fair . It 's not fair . " They 're ' getting screwed . ' That young man knew about bad breaks . He also knew that life is what you make it . It would do us all good to stop right this minute , and consider that . Today , a man with a bandaged face came to my register with his wife . I looked at him and said , " Tell me , did you fall ? Tear a tear duct , and split your forehead ? " And his one uncovered eye surveyed me in surprise . " Yeah , " he said , cautiously . " Your boy was in here to pick up your layway yesterday . He said you didn 't want tPosted by Got another test knocked out today . I think that I did okay . We 're bracing for another storm to hit beginning Saturday night . Oy . I 'm about tired of winter . A young couple came in tonight , she very , very pregnant . " When 's the baby due ? " I asked , and they said , the 19th . They live far out in the jing weeds . I said , " Wow . I 'll bet you 're keeping a close eye on the weather . . . " The man explained that they had a good four wheel drive , and that he 'd also finished his emergency responder 's class . " If I have to , I can deliver that baby myself ! " he said . His wife said , " Um . No . " They headed out the door laughing . " Bring the baby in sometime , " I said , and they said that they would . Today a woman came in and bought a bunch of gift cards . I commented that somebody was going to be happy at Christmas . She said , " Our farm got hit by the tornadoes last summer . People came from all over to help . We 're remembering them this Christmas . " And she got that emotional look that people get when they 've come through a hard time and discovered how great people are . A little girl came in with her Grandpa . They did some Christmas shopping for Grandma . The little girl made everyone in line laugh , when she announced , " Last year my grandpa bought jewelry for my grandma , a necklace and some earrings and SHE NEVER EVEN WORE THEM ONCE ! " And she got a very disapproving look on her little face . " This year I picked the necklace out , that 's how I know she 'll wear it . " That 's today . Headed to bed . Morning comes early . This is heavy snow . Driving in this stuff makes me nervous . This , my friends , is a white out . You will see that you cannot see much beyond the hood of the car . Driving in this stuff makes me sick to my stomach . * * * * * This morning , they did have school after all . I was driving in , and went to make my left turn . I heard the hiss of the anti - lock brakes , and the car continued on past the road I meant to turn down . " Well , " I said , " Why don 't I just take the scenic route this day ? " So I turned off the turn signal and continued on , just like I had meant to do that . The route is a little longer , and surprisingly , it was quite icy compared to my usual route . I made it to class about five minutes late . On the way to school today , I sweated bullets once again about that essay . To my mind , I wasn 't sure if it proved my case , and so I worried . I finally gave myself a little mental ' shake ' , and said , " Listen . It is what it is . " For whatever reason , this essay just about killed me , but I know for a fact that I gave it my very best effort . I figured that it was a good solid B , most likely , and once again , I told myself " A B is not a bad thing . Grow up ! " I saw a woman from that class in the hall earlier in the day . She looked sick . Really , she looked like I felt , so I stopped . I said , " Well , are you ready for today , " and she said , " No . " And I said , " Me either . " I told her about my late decision to totally rewrite it . She said , " You 're kidding ! " I said , " No . I 'm not . So I 'm pretty sure that this is going to be my worst essay , and I 'm sick about doing the thing in front of the class , but I can tell you for sure : I 'll be darn glad to have this class done and over . " Turns out that she 's writing two essays simultaneously . The one due today , and the one due maybe three weeks ago . I stared . " Your essay for your presentation is not done ? " and she said , " I 've never turned in a paper on time . " I was shocked . " Really ? Do you get in trouble ? " and she said , " No . " Huh . Who knew ? Ah , well . It 's done . In any case , I gave my presentation about the Posted by Holy guacamole , Batman . It 's done . I got the darned ' persuasive argument ' done . Last night , after I went to bed , I could not sleep . It was not right . I was just convinced of it . This afternoon , after lunch , I decided to redo it . The whole paper . The whole subject . I got my material . I left the library . I went to work , and when I got home from work at 8 : 30 , I sat down and wrote me a paper . The lady at the library advised me not to change at the last minute . I really thought that I shouldn 't either , but then it just seemed the more that I thought about it , the less choice I had . So I redid it . It is done . It is now 3 AM . I have to get up at 7 . I 'm going to bed all you fine people . PS . It 's snowing again . What do you wanna bet me that tomorrow school will be closed . After I sat up all night writing this paper . Gah ! Here 's a funny story for you . This afternoon , I walked out of the library , all sick about this paper . It was snowing so hard it was like a white out . I stopped , and thought , " Gees , I 've got to drive home in this mess . It was heck getting here this morning and now , it 's going to be heck getting home . " Even as I stood there thinking my grumpy thoughts , a young man bursts out the door . He holds his arms skyward and twirls a little and says , " Isn 't this beautiful ? Just like a winter wonderland . " I looked at him , and , people , I 'm telling you , for a brief moment there were homicidal tendencies in my heart . I laughed out loud , and said , " What ? Are you nuts ? The only wonder I 've got is if this will stop , " and we laughed together walking to our cars . This morning , much to our surprise , we woke up to another 10 inches of snow . Tim wants you to know that this is the fifth day that he 's been out shoveling and plowing and each time he 's been moving at least six inches of snow . The forecast ? 12 more inches by tomorrow morning . He says that we 'll have to begin shoveling the roofs off . Just for measuring purposes , that white board running beneath the roof ? It 's six inches wide . The driveway has been plowed or shoveled every day . Couldn 't guess that from the pictures , huh ? That ' hump ' in the middle of the trellis . That 's the top of my bird bath , filled with snow . The thing is probably 18 inches high . No . They have not canceled school . Let me get going . PS : It 's still snowing . So . What 's it doing in your neck of the woods ? Did not take pictures today . Did take one final exam . Am confident that I did not ' bomb ' it . Did work on my paper today , for several hours . I am sure that it 's presentation will not go well . It discusses what I refer to as the ' lost boys , ' those young men who are , age wise , young men , but behave more as little boys , irresponsible , petulant , unmotivated , expecting to be taken care of and whining bitterly when they are not . My paper compares their attitudes against the attitudes of those who have come before them . How was that lost ? What has changed ? I think that it is a sound paper . Not spectacular . It will not be a popular paper because as much as I stress the fact that these ' lost boys ' are a subgroup , that not all of this generation is lost , my listeners will listen to this paper and feel angry and misunderstood . I can 't come up with anything else , however . Not at this late date . It is due on Thursday . I 've got about six pages of an eight - to - ten page paper written . I did not stay for my last class . The weather was getting pretty blustery . After spending most of the day in a computer lab , my legs were so cold that I could barely stand the pains . I made an executive decision to come home and work there . Tomorrow , I will go back to school , and I will hit that paper hard one more time . Hopefully , it will be done . I will go to my class , and begin studying for a final on Tuesday . Wednesday , I have a final essay to write ( they begin with the citations . If there is an error there , you 've failed , and they don 't even read your exam . I then have one more final exam , and ( finally ) I will be done . Wednesday afternoon , the semester will be officially done for me . On one hand , that doesn 't seem like such a long time . On the other hand , it seems like it will never get here . Well , let me get back to it . We 've gotten about 12 inches of snow in the last 24 hours . That was added on to the 8 inches of snow that we had laying on the ground since Saturday . It shows no sign of letting up . The schools were all closed in our county , but they did not close the college . I weighed the situation carefully , and decided that since my road was plowed , I would make the trip . It got worse as I went , and by the time that I got to the town where the college is , the roads were truly awful . Worst of all ? The college parking lot needed to be plowed so badly that people were getting stuck . They should have closed the campus . After class , I drove back home , in white out conditions for probably half the trip . By the time I hit my neck of the woods , it was about an hour before I was supposed to go to work , so I did not bother to even go home . I got a hair cut , and I went to work . It 's still snowing . By the time that I came out of work , I had another six inches of snow to brush off my car . I drove up our hill with my heart in my throat . It was snowing like crazy , and visibility was virtually nil , but you didn 't dare stop lest you never get started again . They are calling for another 4 - 10 inches in the next 24 hours . Watching it come down , I 'd have to say that 's a conservative estimate . They closed the campus tonight . If it doesn 't stop , I can 't imagine that they 'd have school tomorrow . Yeah . Tomorrow , I 'll take pictures . Today , I was able to go to church for the second week in a row . I 've given up my Sunday School teaching spot , because it is just too frustrating to have to find a sub if I 'm working . I gave up worship leader for the same reason , and it 's been bugging me . Those things are part of my own identity . I 've been a Sunday School teacher for most of the time that I 've attended church , and it feels strange not to be one . In any case , I was able to teach class today , and I do enjoy the kids . I 've known most of them since they were wee and now some of them are in high school . There 's one boy whose voice has changed . Each time that he speaks , it startles me a little . But the class was lively , and fun , and short too , since we are practicing for the Christmas pagent as well . As the kids left , I lingered a little , to water our plant . As one of the boys headed out the door , he called out , " ' Bye . Love you ! " and then stopped . Surprised . He hadn 't meant to say that . I looked at him . I 've known him since he was a pippersqueak , and now he 's as tall , or maybe even taller than me . A little flustered , he said , " Well . We 're all family . It 's okay , I guess . " I looked at him , with my watering can in hand , and I said , " I love you too . " He flashed me a smile , and then was on his way . I will miss those little interactions . Gees . I 'm just struck by a great big bolt of stupid . I 'm trying to write another flipping debate . I 'm so everlastingly sick of debates . I can debate another person . I am tired of debating myself . I 've begun this stupid essay a dozen times , and it doesn 't work . It simply doesn 't work . I began again tonight . It doesn 't work . I stopped . I am discouraged . I couldn 't find my corkscrew ( Cara ? ) but Tim bought me another while he was downtown . He knew an emergency when he saw it . I had three glasses of wine tonight , while weeping over " The Grapes of Wrath " . Now I am tired . A little drunk . But I have a topic . Too tipsy to write it though . Dang . Late Edit : And did the ' Essay Writing Elves ' come in the night to type busily and complete this project for me , leaving it laying on my computer desk ? No . They did not . Stupid elves . I know for a fact that the shoemakers aren 't keeping them that busy . And just how many cookies does the world need ? And the topic still holds up when scrutinized in the dawn 's early light . Thank goodness . Posted by Our company will be leaving today . It was a nice visit . He went to class with me , and then we stopped for lunch on the way home . Even though we do not see each other regularly , there is a comfortableness between us , and we can sit and talk for . . . well . . . just about forever , I imagine . We 've never run out of words yet . I had to work last night . An elderly couple came in the store . When I 'm cashiering , I have to remain within view of my register , but he came walking up and said , " Where would I find your nuts and bolts and stuff like that ? " I said , " Walk down this aisle right here , and you see that big banner at the end of that aisle coming off the left ? The one that says ' hardware ' ? " I assured him that if he walked down that aisle , he 'd find more nuts and bolts than he knew what to do with . And they laughed a little and headed off . I was puttering around , facing things , keeping a close eye on my register just in case it began to do tricks or something , and the couple headed back up front . The man held up two large bags of washers and said , " Well , I got a washer or two . . . " I said to his wife , " Do you suppose now he 'll do laundry ? " in an interested way . She assured me that he would not . I sighed and said , " Well , if my Tim ever did the laundry , I 'd be thinking someone else was wearing his pants that day . " And we laughed together . After I was done at the store , I needed to head over to Walmart . Cara had come home the previous night , and then , after everyone had gone to bed , she 'd gotten in her car and headed off the hill . She 'd sat up late , talking with our visitor . He 'd mentioned an old picture of the two of them , taken back when she was about three . They were walking away from my camera , hand and hand on the beach , his head inclined towards her as they talked . Their bond was there from the beginning , truly , because Cara had that particular picture in her room . So she 'd sneaked out to the Walmart at well after midnight and she got that picture copied , got a card and a nice frame for it . I had to stop in and pick the picture uPosted by Yesterday , I went to class . It was D - Day . We handed in those assignments one right after another until the only thing left was our presentations . Each group was supposed to do three presentations . There were two of us . So I said to Procrastination Girl , " Who 's doing the final presentation ? " She looked at me in her passively helpful way and said , " Really , it doesn 't matter to me . I can do it . " I knew full well that she did not want to , not really , because she 's nervous about speaking before groups , but I 'd asked her straight out . She did what she has done from the start of this project . Offer to help , and then not follow through . I 'd written the whole report . She 'd corrected some equipment names but hadn 't even bothered to respond to the final e - mail with the finished report . She made a poster . As she sat there looking wide eyed and anxious , waiting for me to take the final presentation , I just thought , " No . " So I looked at her and said , " Well , if you really don 't mind , it would be a relief if you took the third presentation . Thanks . I appreciate it . " And I went back to my desk and sat down . I suppose that it was not fair . I 'd been supportive and nurturing and encouraging right along , and to suddenly change gears so to speak , to not be affected by her helpless anxiety wasn 't fair . Still , when it came time for presentations , I heard my name being called by the teacher . I looked over . The teacher asked , " Are you presenting twice ? " I said , " Well , I was under the impression that Rachel was doing two . . . " and the teacher said , " That was supposed to have been decided . . . " and I thought things that I could not say . Rachel stood there with an anxious expression on her face as the teacher made the decision in my moment of speechlessness . " Debby , you 're presenting twice then . " Arg . But it 's done . And it feels good to be done . One more week of class . December 2nd . It 's here . My projects are due . ( check ) Done . ( check ) Ready to be handed in . ( Check ) Presentation ready . ( check ) House cleaned . ( Well , it 's better . . . half a check ) Bed in spareroom cleared , ironing hidden in my ' office ' . ( check ) Ham and potatoes and onion simmering in the crock pot with a stick of butter , ready to be made into a cream of potato soup tonight when I get home from school . ( check ) Company coming . ( check ) Cara coming home for the evening . ( check ) . Really . I 'm about as ready as I 'm going to be . Well . Except for the fact that I 'm sitting here at the computer in my bathrobe , still finishing my coffee . Other than that , though , I 'm ready . So , yesterday , I was cleaning the house , ripping stuff apart , rearranging furniture and dusting big time . I heard a crashing out front of the house , and I thought ' Oh , good , the snowplow 's going through . ' But I didn 't hear the rest of the rumbling that one expects to hear when the snow plow goes by . So I stopped what I was doing and looked out the window to see a Suburu stationwagon driving through our yard . He 'd lost control on the road , and tore through the stones around the garden that surrounds two large oaks , missing those oaks by no more than a foot . He 'd shot past the trees and out the other side of the garden . Shaken , he drove to the driveway and stopped , getting out to survey the damage . I put on some boots and headed out . " Are you okay ? " I asked . He looked shocked . " Yes . I thought I was going to hit those trees head on . Scared myself . " He looked at the yard . " I never expected that the plow would not have gone through yet . " " Yeah , I know , I started off for school , but the roads were bad enough that I simply turned around and came back home . That was more than two hours ago , and it 's still snowing . Is your car okay ? " He looked under his it . " I can 't believe that I didn 't tear something up . I figured I 'd be losing all kinds of fluids after plowing through those rocks . It seems alright , though . I really can 't believe that after all that , I 'm still going out hunting . " He looked around and said , " Hey , I 'll be back in the spring to fix those rocks back the way they were . " " Nah . Don 't worry about it . I can set my own rocks back . I 'm glad that you 're okay . " He said , " Well , I guess I 'll go hunting then . Maybe I 'd better slow it down . " " Sounds like a good idea to me . " We waved and I headed back for the house as he headed back to his car . That 's life in the boonies . The road still is not cleared off . It 's been raining here for the last two days . Raining hard , too . This morning , that rain has turned to snow , and it is coming down hard . I went out and swept the snow off the car and started it , early too , allowing myself extra time for the inclimate weather . Heading out , the slush on the roads was bad and things were slick . When I got to the road that takes me off the hill , one look told me , " Yeah . Not today . " I turned around and headed back . Although I could have taken another route off the hill , the detour would have taken extra time . It was late enough that I 'd probably have been quite late for that 50 minute class . I sent an e - mail to the teacher explaining what had happened . Probably for the best . I 've got a lot of stuff I can be doing in this house . Let me get up from this computer and do it . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Sarah looked out the window of the jet and down at the water below . She hadn 't been able to sleep at all on the way back from Russia . The extraction had been uneventful . Apparently Yuri had fallen farther down Putin 's ranks then he had lead them to believe . She looked over at the old , balding man sitting across from her . He was looking out his window as well . He looked so much older than she had remembered him . His hair was almost completely white now and there were dark circles under his eyes . He had also lost a considerable amount of weight . " Ah Sarah . So long I 've lived in Russia . My whole life . And in that life I have seen much . But lately , what I have seen has been so very bad . " " Communism was predictable for me . You say this and this will happen . You do that and that will happen . Now though , the predictability has disappeared . The players have changed and the game is no longer a game but something closer to a fight with no rules . What is coming will be . . . uncontrollable . " Sarah sat forward and looked closer at Yuri . It was only then that she saw the almost healed bruises on his face and a tremor in his hand as he took a sip of water . " And so , I wasn 't able to hide it from you after all . Well , I was surprised I hid it this long . Your mind must be elsewhere . " Sarah swallowed and silently yelled at herself for not being focused . " Why have you lost your position Yuri ? It wasn 't because Putin came back to power . You worked for him before . He trusted you . " Yuri laughed but then fell into a coughing fit . After Sarah helped him take a few sips of water he reached over and took her hand . " My dear Sarah . Putin is not the problem . Yes , he is back in power . But he didn 't do that on his own . He has become a puppet and someone else is pulling the strings . They wanted me out and so , I was removed . I 'm lucky they didn 't kill me . But they didn 't take it easy on me either . " Sarah gripped his hand over hers . " I wish I knew . I do wish I could give one last piece of information to help you my friend . Tell your people over there to stay awake . Whoever is in charge over there will be taking the gloves off , as you American 's say . " Sarah squeezed his hand and sat back as she felt the plain dip down to land . " I 'll get you to The General to be debriefed and then we 'll set you up in a nice home Yuri . Anywhere you want to go . " Yuri smiled and leaned back , closing his eyes . " Someplace warm please ? I have heard good things about Texas . " Sarah smiled and watched the old man look out the window . This was not good timing for her . A new player was coming on the scene but all she could think about was Sharon . She had to find Sharon so she could focus again . As the plane landed at Dulles she wondered just how close she was to her cousin . The Watcher followed Sarah and Yuri as they made their way through Dulles and considered for a moment moving forward the plan now rather then later . Things were speeding up faster than anticipated but that could be adjusted for . Pausing for a moment , The Watcher studied Sarah . She was protective of the old man . Sarah King had a problem with not being able to button up her emotions and separate herself from the people she was in charge of . Yuri was the perfect example . She hadn 't seen him in probably two years , but she had brought him in as an informant in the beginning . Sarah always got too close to her assets but The Watcher could see that she was closer to this one than others . He would do well when the time came . Soon , but not yet . It was late when Sarah finally left Yuri in the care the agents in charge of relocation . The debrief with the General had been long and ultimately fruitless if not a little frightening . Yuri had been imprisoned and questioned for a month before being released without a job and the inability to ever get one . He had stayed with a niece , hoping things would change , until she started to hint that perhaps he should try looking for work somewhere outside of Moscow . " My disgrace and fall from trust was starting to impact my niece . So I contacted my handler to defect . I don 't believe I will be missed . " His face had been sad and his entire demeanor one of defeat . Sarah had never seen him like that . When she had met Yuri three years ago he had been active , determined and a major player in Russian politics . A disillusioned one , but trying to do what was best for his country . Sarah had been able to convince him that the best thing for his country was to help keep corrupt officials in check and to stop a slide back into open communism . That was The Company 's only interest in Russia these days . To keep everything calm and away from the days of the Cold War . For two years Yuri had been a wealth of information . It was only in the past year that things had started to trickle down to nothing . He wasn 't sure if someone had found out about him or only suspected . Chances were it was only suspicion . If someone had actually known , given the state of the Russian government now , he would have been quietly killed . A car accident , a robbery gone bad , something that wouldn 't attract attention . Shaking her head to clear it of all things Russian for the time being , she pulled into her drive and yawned . Right now she needed sleep . Rest would give her a clear head , which she desperately needed . She had gotten a text from Sam saying the campaign would be back in town for three days before the final two weeks of the race . Two weeks that Sam will be too busy to do much more than relay messages . She had received an email from Jack tonight . He had finally gotten his hands on a secure computer and let her have it ! Swinging from her old , gruff , no nonsense trainer to the concerned friend all the way through the email . It had made her laugh . He knew he couldn 't help and if he won this race , there was no way he would ever be able to help her again with anything . She let herself dwell on that idea . Jack had been her trainer and mentor . When he had gotten wounded and his hip put him out of commission as a field agent , he had started to become distant from her . Dating agents was frowned upon inside The Company . But their relationship had never been that defined . She was drawn towards Jack and she knew he felt the same way towards her . But nothing had ever been said . If nothing was said then nothing had to be taken back . When Jack had started riding a desk , she found herself being neatly cut off from him . But when Sharon had disappeared , he had been the first to be there for her , helping in any way he could . But he was in Congress then . He could do very little . She smiled at how irritated he would be as President if he won ! She knew he wasn 't doing it for himself . She also knew better than to ask why . Pulling around the last bend in the drive she drove into the darkened courtyard . Her headlights lit up the front door and she hit the breaks hard ! Someone was huddled in the doorway , their hand 's up to block the light and their body curled into a small ball . Jumping out of the car Sarah ran towards the door until she saw the person pull away , trying to force them self further into the corner . They were whimpering and had their head turned away from her still . " It 's ok . I won 't hurt you . I live here . Who are you ? " Sarah crouched down a few feet away from the person , just out of reach . The whimpering turned to full crying . The person 's hands started coming down from covering their face . From the long hair half falling out of the hood pulled up Sarah could see it was a girl . " It 's ok , I won 't come any closer . Are you ok ? Can I help you ? My name is Sarah . " The girl on the step turned her head slightly towards her and slowly brought her hands all the way down . " S - Sarah ? " The voice was quavering between sobs but Sarah gasped in shock . She knew that voice ! As the hands came completely away from the face , Sarah felt tears come to her own eyes ! Bruises covered her face and there were restraint marks on her wrists but she knew that face , that voice ! Reaching out tentatively , not quite touching her , Sharon edged forward a little . Disbelief filled her as the girl shrank away from her outstretched hand . " Sharon , it 's me ! Sarah . " The tears were streaming down her face freely now . Sharon looked at her for a moment and then slowly reached out to her cousin 's waiting hand . She was gulping air in between sobs but they were starting to slow down . " Sarah ? Is that really you ? " Sharon whispered . She tentatively touched Sarah 's hand . The two sat there staring at one another for a minute , as if neither could believe the other was there . Then Sharon took Sarah 's hand and gripped it tightly . Her face became one of total fear and she started crying again . " Sarah , help me ! Please ! " Sharon watched Sarah King drive away from her house and felt her heart beat faster and took a breath to calm it down . Brian took her hand and she looked away towards him . He motioned her to follow him . They walked out of the trees and strait up to the house . " Amazingly , she doesn 't have any . Come on , we have plenty of time to get you familiar with the layout of the house . She will be gone for a couple days but this shouldn 't take more than an hour or two . " They walked in and Sharon whistled at the large foyer and grand staircase . " She lives in a place like this and doesn 't have security . " she said as she walked around , looking up at the ceiling and elaborate molding . Brian didn 't say anything but watched her as she took it all in . After a minute or two he took her hand and she looked back towards him . " According to our information your room is this way . " He lead her up the stairs and into the west wing . The third door down on the left opened into a large suite decorated in yellows and blues . Brian kept hold of her hand as she walked around the room . There were framed pictures on shelves and the desk and she looked at them carefully . She picked up one with a small girl holding the hands of a young couple . " Are these her parent 's ? The other Sharon I mean ? " she asked . Brian took the picture and studdied it for a minute before putting it back down . " Yes . They were killed in a car accident when she was seven . " Sharon walked around the room one more time and then let Brian guide her out . She stopped at the door though and looked back . Her head was starting to ache again . She hadn 't had these headaches in years . Maybe just the strain of being on her first mission . She closed her eyes and touched her forehead . She felt Brian 's arm go around her and she leaned into him . He could always make the headaches go away . " No . They have my name and face . But we won 't completely loose contact . " He reached into his pocket and pulled out an ear wig radio . " I 'll hide this in your room tonight . We 'll have a set time to communicate . You won 't be alone . " He handed her a watch . " If for some reason you find yourself in danger for your life , turn the stem and it will broadcast your location and a distress signal . " She handed the watch back to him . " It reminds you of me . If you get scared , unsure or those headaches come back , just hold on to this ring and I 'll be holding your hand . " She closed her hand around his and put her forehead against his . He had always been able to calm her ever since she had woken up from her coma . But she had to step away from him now . She felt a sense of loss when he pulled the ring from her finger . " Come on . Lets get these hidden and get going . You have more studying to do before she gets back . " They hid the items and left the house . * * * *** * * * Brian walked into Malcolm 's office and took a seat across from him . Malcolm handed him a cigar and Brian clipped it , lit it and puffed slowly . " How did it go ? " Brian blew the sharp smelling smoke up into the air and smiled . " Smoothly . I think the headache only started up once . She responds so well to me that I think the ring will do the job to keep her from sliding backwards . It is just a stop gap though . Once we put her in we are on a time line . " Malcolm nodded and blew his own stream of smoke into the air . " Who is the General ? You know and you are excited about it . You said things were going to change . I need to know when and how . The General was never a part of the plan . Why do I have the feeling he is now ? " Malcolm smiled and rolled the cigar with his fingers thoughtfully . " You are right . The General is now part of the plan . Don 't worry . You will have plenty of time to prepare Sharon . " Brian sat back and studied Malcolm . The man was cold and calculating . He had known that from the start . Now he wondered if perhaps working for him was getting him in over his head . He had known from the start the Sharon was expendable to the old man , just a pawn in his twisted game of chess . He wondered how many moves were left and for the first time , if he would be able to do anything about the outcome . Jack walked quickly from the suburban into the hotel and was met with a horde of reporters all shouting questions . He answered with pieces of his stump speech and slowly made his way to the elevators . He noticed his protective detail talking more than usual over their radios . He wondered what was going on . The elevator doors closed behind him , cutting of the cries for answers on campaign issues and he took a deep breath . When the elevator stopped and the doors opened he made a move to go but a man was standing in his way . It was a reporter he recognized that had recently joined the campaign trail . He was surprised when the agents motioned him to come in . " Congressman . My name is Sam Howe , I 'm a friend of Sarah King . She asked me to talk to you about some new developments . " Sam looked at Jack Sheffler and wondered what the man was thinking . his face was blank , he didn 't even blink at the mention of Sarah 's name . Jack turned to one of the agents . " We have a secure room for you on another floor Congressman . " Jack nodded and then turned to stare at the elevator door . Sam shifted his feet , unsure what to say . He wondered just how much he should reveal about his own relationship with Sarah . He had been surprised when she had called him and said she had set up a meeting with him and the Congressman so he could pass on the information . He hadn 't know she was this close to him . The reporter in him wanted to dig into that relationship to see if there was a story there but the part of him that wanted to stay in one piece knew to leave it alone . He looked the Congressman up and down and realized that hip injury or no , he would have no problem taking Sam out . Sam shook his head . Why had he ever gotten himself involved with the world of spooks ? Even ex spooks like the Congressman never seemed to leave that world behind . The elevator stopped and they all stepped off . It was only then that Jack realized the agents had neatly seperated him from his aid , Sean . They walked to a room guarded by two more agents and went in . Then it was just Sam and Jack . The two men took a moment silently sizing up the other one . Then Jack shrugged out of his suit coat and loosened his tie . He went to the refridgerator and took out a water , offering a second one to Sam who declined . " Not sure I 'm allowed to say . Lets leave it at she helped me out of a difficult situation and we took a liking to each other . I 've been helping her look for her cousin . " Sam walked over to the table and set his briefcase on it , opened it and started to rummage through . " That 's right . Sarah said you found that letter Sharon wrote . " Sam nodded . " I have to ask you Sam , do you think she is still alive ? " Sam stopped looking for the folder with the papers Sarah had sent him and looked at the Congressman in surprise . " Honestly sir , Until last night , I was almost sure she had to be dead . Or at least hoped she was she has been gone so long . But I also knew that saying anything like that to Sarah would land me on the ground in a rather unpleasant way . . " Jack laughed and rubbed his hip . " That 's for sure . Wait , what happened last night ? " Sam gave a small smile . Was the Congressman dumb enough to suggest such a thing to Sarah ? She had been particularly upset when she had seen this name attached to Kirland 's name . But the information he had was a game changer . " Here we go . " he said as he pulled the file from the bottom of the briefcase . Walking over to Jack he handed it to him and let him look through it . The first picture made the Congressman stop and put down his water . " You 've got to be kidding me ! " he said . He flipped through the rest of the pictures then turned to Sam . " Do they know where she is ? " Sam made a face . " No . They lost her before she left the airport . " Jack kept looking through the pictures in disbelief . Sarah had been right , she was alive ! Other then the darker hair , she looked the same , maybe a little thinner , more muscular . He hadn 't expected that . " What does Sarah need ? We 'll be back in DC in a week . " Jack said , handing the pictures back to Sam . He took them and looked at them a moment himself . " Yeah , she told me to tell you specificaly to stay out of the way . " He glanced up at the Congressman who had a startled look on his face . " Meaning no disrespect , I actually cleaned up her message a little bit . She thinks you are too much in the public eye to be able to do anything . " Jack swore and Sam bit his lip to keep from smiling . He would have been just as mad if she had said the same to him . " To be honest , I don 't think there is much either of us can do right now . Analysts are working to see if they can find someone traveling with her or following her . Trying to figure out if she is still in someone 's custody and if not where she could have gone . " Jack nodded and started walking around the room slowly . Sam could see he was frustrated . " I 'm assuming it goes without saying we are completely off the record in here Sam . " he said . Sam nodded . " Dammit I would give up this whole campaign to be back there helping her ! " Sam watched him a moment and then decided to see what would happen with a question that had been bugging him since he had spoken to Sarah last night . " Why are you running Congressman ? " Jack stopped and looked him directly in the eye and for a split second Sam wondered if he had gone too far . There was a dangerous look in the other man 's eye that was gone before Sam was sure he had even seen it . Then he just looked tired . Jack rubbed a hand over his eyes and walked a few more steps before stopping and turning back . " That 's classified Sam . " Sarah put her head down on her desk and resisted the urge to fall asleep . She couldn 't sleep ! For the first time they had real time proof that Sharon was alive . She had to keep going until she found her . Lifting up her head she picked up a picture of Sharon looking almost directly at the camera . She didn 't look scared , sick , tired or in any way like someone who had been missing for five years . " All good questions . We 'll find the answers , don 't worry . " Sarah looked up at Emily and dropped the picture . She had to ask the question she had refused to even acknowledge in her own mind . The pictures made no sense . As much as Sarah didn 't want Sharon to be hurt or traumatized , she had been gone five years . And the letter she had written was two years old . " Emily , I know I stopped you before from talking about this but these pictures . . . it wasn 't what I was expecting . " Emily sat on the corner of the desk and picked up one of the photographs . She studied it for a few minutes . " Any number of things could have happened . My guess , just by how well she looks , is that they took care of her physically . Her face seems calm . She is always looking forward or occasionally to the side , like most people walking through an airport . I watched the footage carefully , she never looked behind her , she never hurried . She didn 't seem scared . She could be completely fine . She could be following directions or she could also be just someone who looks astonishingly like Sharon . " Sarah shook her head . " I heard once that supposedly there is a large number of people out there who have someone who looks exactly like them . A doppelganger . I can 't believe that is all we are seeing . If she wasn 't wearing that scarf . . . Sharon had a small birthmark on the side of her neck . Just a small , brown spot . If I could just see . . . " Sarah trailed off and Emily put a hand on her shoulder . They both jumped a little at a throat being cleared behind them . Emily stood up and nodded . " General . " she said as she went back to her office . Sarah turned around and looked up , wondering what he wanted . He pulled a chair over and sat down , tapping a folder on his knee . " Now ? ! For what ? " he handed her the folder and she opened it . A growl started in the back of her throat . " Yuri is getting on my last nerve General . " " I know . But with things heating up over there , he is getting nervous . He wants out and honestly , he is becoming more of a liability than a help there now . And he only trusts you . You brought him to us and he doesn 't trust anyone else to bring him here . " " He had to pick now to defect ? " She stopped and looked up , an idea forming . " You don 't think there could be a connection do you ? I mean , we never learned who took Sharon . And honestly , I thought at first the reason was because of me . That someone was trying to get to me because of my job . Could someone over there have figured out Yuri was working with us ? Could they have been controling him all this time ? Could - - " The General held up a hand and she stopped , realizing she was starting to babble . " I know you are looking for answers but I can guarantee they aren 't there . Yuri has been carefully watched . She was taken long before this mess over there got under way . Take a team , extract Yuri and come back . Maybe we 'll have something more by then . " Sarah sighed and nodded . The General got up and walked away as she gathered her things . She looked one last time at the pictures and put them in a drawer . The General watched Sarah go and sighed . He needed her out of the way and this was the perfect excuse . He couldn 't believe Sharon had shown up after all these years . The fact that from the cameras she seemed in good health , while good for Sarah , concerned him . He returned to his office and watched the footage of her walking from her plane through Dulles . He paused it and zoomed in on her face . With her hair dyed now she looked so much like her mother . Sighing , he closed his computer and sat back thinking . Something was wrong . And he had to find out what before Sarah got hurt even more . Malcolm Blake sat behind the large , mahogany desk set in front of a large window . The drapes were open sunshine poured in behind him and gave some much needed light to the darkly decorated library . The house he had rented was more than adequate . Dark , paneled walls covered the whole interior . The darkened decor fit his mood . The closer he came to the end the darker he got . He would succeed . For years he had been planning and building . For years he had watched and waited for the perfect moment . And if they played it right , the moment was here . " Have you done as I instructed ? " he asked , pointing towards the seat across the desk from him . The Watcher sat and and looked at him . He felt as if he was being weighed in some calculation and he didn 't like it . After a moment of scrutiny The Watcher gave a small smile . " Not there either . But not surprising . She probably keeps them with her . " Continuing to pace Malcolm started grinding his teeth in frustration . He needed those files . To make his triumph perfect he needed those files that proved Thomas King had been ordered to kill his father . The people of the United States had become suspicious of the intelligence services and he needed to use that suspician in his plan . He suddenly realized that the Watcher was sitting looking at a picture on the wall . They weren 't concerned or in any way upset over the set back . Why ? Malcolm walked back towards the desk and leaned against the front of it . He used his advantage of standing over The Watcher to look down on them and study them . The Watcher simply looked back at him , no expression on their face . " What was there ? What did you find in the safe ? " he asked . The Watcher smiled and he felt like he was looking into the face of a very satisfied cheshire cat . The watcher sat back in their chair folded their arms loosely . " Pay me double you mean . " Malcolm snorted and walked back around his desk . He sat down and stared at The Watcher . They were a very helpful tool in his plan and had come at a heavy cost . But there was something he saw in their face that made him pause before dismissing the possability of more payment outright . " I 'm afraid it won 't work that way . But trust me when I tell you that if I had asked for triple , you would have gladly payed it without blinking . " Silence stretched out for a long minute as the two studied each other . Malcolm steepeled his fingers in front of his face and leaned his forehead against them thinking . Money wasn 't the issue for him . His fortune was more than he could spend in two life times . It was more the principle . He knew The Watcher was an asset he couldn 't do without but was also one he knew he couldn 't trust . That being said , they were no fool . He didn 't doubt that information they had was worth something . But as a business man , could he take the chance that it was worth the amount asked . Revenge had not blinded him yet and he hoped it never would . To be calculating and clear headed to the end would make his success that much richer . The Watcher began to stand and opened their mouth to speak when he cut them off . " Transfer the money into my account and I 'll hand it over . " they said . Malcolm grumbled as he picked up the phone on his desk and gave directions for the transfer . " You 'll understand if I check first . " The Watcher pulled out their phone and pulled up their account information . A slow , ugly smile spread over their face as they looked at the screen . Malcolm worked to keep the grimace off his face . He couldn 't forget the danger this person put him in . " Everything looks in order . " they said and pulled several folded sheets of paper out of a pocket in their coat . Standing up they tossed it on the desk and turned to leave . " I 'm sure this will change things . Get in touch with me when you have figured out how and I 'll tell you if it will work . " The Watcher left the room . Makolm waited until the door closed behind them before reaching for the papers . As he scanned them he swore in frustration . They were Sarah King 's adoption papers . Useless information he already had ! The last page was different though and as he read it he swore again , this time loudly and in shock . Then he began to laugh ! The Watcher was right , he would have paid triple for this information . And it changed everything ! A knock on the door was followed by his assistant putting her head in and looking at him concerned . " Everything is perfect Ms . Lake . More then perfect in fact . " " Then is it ok to send in Mr . Kirland and Ms . Brennan ? " He calmed himself down and took a deep breath . But he was unable to wipe the smile from his face . " Please do Ms . Lake . " She nodded and opened the door all the way and gestured for the two people standing in the outer office to enter . As the door closed behind them Malcolm looked at Brian and Sharon and the smile widened even more . Brian took a step forward , giving a small tug to Sharon 's hand that he was holding . " Ms . Brennan , it is indeed a pleasure to finally meet you after all these years . I have heard only wonderful things about your progress . " he said . He pulled her over to one of the chairs and she let go of Brian 's hand as she sat down . " Thank you Mr . Blake . I 'm excited to be here . " She smiled and Malcolm nodded , putting on the air of a loving grandfather . He leaned back on the desk behind him . " That 's good to hear . We have a very important job for you to do . Something that you have already been working on without knowing it . But now we are entering the final stages of the mission and you are the final piece we need to succeed . " Sharon took a deep breath and glanced at Brian who gave her a small nod of encouragement . " Anything I can do sir . " she said . " Good . " Malcolm said , then walked back behind his desk , carefully folding the papers he had just finished reading . " New information just came to me so there will be a small change of plans but for now we will continue with the original . " He sat down and pulled two files from his desk drawer handing one to Brian and the other to Sharon . " Many years ago , when we were first getting started , we came under attack by an inteligence group called The Company , Several of our best agents were killed and ever since them , we have been fighting a battle against this group . We have discovered they have ties to Alquida and the IRA before it was ended . There has been some evidence that also connects them to the drug cartels in Columbia and numerous black market weapons dealers . We believe that we now have what we need to bring this agency down . You Sharon . " " Open that . " She did and gasped at what looked like her own face looking back at her . , The only difference was her hair . The girl in the picture had blonde hair , like hers had been before she had dyed it . " That is Sharon King . She is the cousin of an agent of The Company . She was kidnapped several years ago by an unknown organization . We recieved intel that shortly after the kidnapping she was accidentaly killed . The death was hidden from The Company and her cousin still looks for her today . " Sharon looked from the picture of the young woman to Brian in confusion . " You . . . you helped me pick my name . You said I looked like a Sharon . " Anger rolled through her and she snapped the file shut . She couldn 't look at the picture . " Tell me that 's not me ! " she hissed at Brian . He closed his own folder and reached over to take Sharon 's hand . " About a month after I found you . You were in a coma . The information was given to me to look in to . I was shocked by how much you both looked alike and I looked into it to see if the dates were off , to see if you were her . But you weren 't . I 'm sorry . " Sharon stood up and started pacing slowly , folding her arms across herself because she suddenly felt cold . " You picked that name for a reason . Why ? " she asked . " That was my doing . " Malcolm said . He stood up and walked over to Sharon . " My dear , Brian told me about you shortly after you woke up . He showed me your picture and I couldn 't believe that resemblance . He said he had made a connection with you and felt that you could be a great asset for Runda . Perhaps someone who would have the ability to finally break into The Company and bring them down . " Sharon backed away from them and felt a pain begin in her head . " Yes , it was manipulative . But you had no memory of anything about yourself . Brian felt that we could give you a life and a purpose in Runda . We are an organization of spies . Perhaps what we did was cold and calculating . But we gave you an identity , a purpose and a family . " Sharon looked over at Brian and the pain in her head intesified . She put a hand to her head and closed her eyes . Fear shot through her and she started to wonder for the first time in years who she really was . She felt Brian take her hand and she opened her eyes . He was standing close to her . She found herself gripping his hand tightly as the fear started to melt away . " I 'm sorry Sharon . I 'm sorry if I hurt you . I never meant to . I saw a strength in you . The doctors said you might never wake up but you proved them wrong . You fought yourself back to this world . I thought that strength would get you through anything . But I understand if you want to walk away . You don 't have to do this . " Sharon felt her breathing slow down and her heart stopped racing . The pain was gone from her head . She let go of Brian 's hand and sat down looking at the closed folder for a minute . " What about the FBI and Homeland Security ? They haven 't been able to do anything all these years ? " Brian and Malcolm both took their seats again . " The Company only moved it 's base of operations to the U . S after 9 / 11 . They are set up as a ghost inteligance agency . As far as we know , the only one here who knows their true purpose is their leader , a man we have only identified as The General . Until today . " Malcolm said . Brian looked at him in surprise . " We do . But that will stay with me for now . At any rate , we are here alone . The FBI , HS and CIA are all unaware of The Company 's true nature . For them , The Company is the helpful cousin no one talks about . " Sharon tapped the folder . She still didn 't want to open it again just yet . " The truth is , we don 't know who to trust . Since the agencies started sharing information The Company has inserted itself in every American agency . We don 't know who has been bought or who is just being used . You understand , if we take down The Company , the US Intelligence network will have to clean house , and there are too many important people , here and in other countries , who don 't want that . " There was silence for several minutes as Malcolm and Brian let it all sink in . Sharon sat looking down at the folder . Her hands were clutching it tightly and creases were starting to form . She worked to relax her grip and slowly opened it again . She looked at the picture of Sharon King . The pain was starting to come back to her head again , but not sharp . She shook her head , trying not to think about it . She felt like she was looking into a mirror of herself three years ago . She had dyed her hair red so that every time she looked in the mirror she didn 't wonder about her past . It was the only thing she could really change about her appearance . This poor girl . They had each other 's face 's and because of that , Sharon was being asked to play a role in bringing down what sounded like a giant terrorist organization . " She 's dead . And her only family was her cousin who refuses to believe that she is anything other than alive . " Taking a deep breath Sharon looked at Malcolm . Sharon walked into her hotel room and tossed her coat on the bed and left her bag by the closet . She looked around at the nondescript , normal hotel furnishings and loosened her scarf from around her neck . Pulling it from around her neck her long , red hair crackled with the dry air . She smoothed it down and dug out her laptop from her bag . Her directions had been clear , if a bit confusing . She had been taught to be invisible but today she had been told to make sure to find cameras in the airport . To be sure she was seen . Then disappear and go to this hotel . This was her first mission for the organization that had given her a second chance at life . She couldn 't remember much about her past but what she did remember was foggy , and not pleasant at all . She had flashes of streets , and dirt and laying somewhere outside . She remembered seeing Brian 's face above her 's and then a lot of blank space before waking up in a hospital . She had been in a coma for a year she was told . Brian had found her badly beaten in a back alley in Dublin and had brought her to the hospital . He had been there when she woke up too . As her computer powered up she sat back and closed her eyes , trying to remember that moment . There had been a bright light and a beeping sound , like a heart monitor . " Easy there now girly . You 've had a rough time of it . " The voice came from beside her . She slowly turned her head and saw a man sitting in a chair and holding her hand . She looked down at her hand and then back at his face . His black hair was brushed back from his face but a lock fell forward over one eye . He smiled at her and she tried to smile in return . It was hard for some reason . " Hold on there . Let me get you some water to help . " He held a cup with a straw in it to her mouth and she gave a tentative suck on the straw . The water felt like heaven and she pulled in more , painfully swallowing but thankful for the relief of the feeling of sand . " There now , that 's better . Don 't push yourself right now . You have a long road ahead of you . " He had withdrawn his hand to help her drink . When he set the cup down she tried to move her hand towards his again . He saw it and took her hand in his once more . She was frightened but for some reason , she felt safer when he was close by and holding her hand . A beep from her computer pulled Sharon back to the present and she clicked on her email . She sent Brian a note letting him know she had arrived . She was glad he was her handler for this first mission . She was sure that had been by design . The past four years had been full of training and desk work . But she had wanted to get out into the field from the minute she had been introduced to Runda , the organization Brian had worked for . She had thought he had been flirting with her when he first told her he worked for a top secret government organization in Ireland . She had been out of the hospital a week and had been staying with one of the nurses she had gotten to know during her recovery . Brian visited almost every day . taking her out to see the city to see if anything jogged her memory more . " I 'm not pulling your leg darlin . I promise . I 'm assigned missions to collect intelligence and was on one when I found you . I 'm telling you this because I think I might be able to get you a job with them . Something entry level . Doing desk work like a secretary . Who knows what you could work up to though . " " Why would they want me ? I don 't even know who I am . Don 't you need proof of who you are ? " " I 'll talk to my boss . See what we can do . Honestly , people without connections are preferred . " He had been right . She loved her job and felt a thrill just thinking that she was finally out making a difference . She still didn 't know who she use to be but she knew who she was now . She was Sharon Brennan and had no desire to change . Standing up she stretched , trying to work the kinks out of her muscles from the long flight from London . A hot shower sounded in order . She had to wait to get her second set of instructions . As she dug through her bag looking for a fresh pair of clothes there was a knock at the door . Pausing she instinctively put her hand to her hip but there was no gun there . She had had to travel without her weapon to stay below the radar . Cautiously approaching the door she looked through the peep hole and smiled . Throwing the door open she launched herself at Brian ! He caught her without missing a step and swung her around and back into the room . " If that 's how you answer your door now I 'll have to come see you more often ! " he laughed as he put her back down and gave her hair a gentle tug . She smiled and took his hand . She always felt better when she held his hand . She felt safe and calm . " I didn 't expect you so soon . " she said . " I wasn 't sure where you were . " He pulled her close and put his forehead against her 's . " I 'm never far from you darlin . remember that . " He kissed her gently and she melted into him . Her head spun and she felt light as a feather . But then he was pulling away from her and she felt a second of sadness . " Now , we have to get to work . I have someone you need to meet . He 'll tell you whats next . " He let go of her hand and she took a half step towards him before stopping herself . This was work , and Brian was her handler . But he had saved her . He had protected her and taught her . There was a connection there that wasn 't there with anyone else she worked with . But now she had to focus . Grabbing her coat she followed him out the door . The light of the rising sun began to creep it 's way across the floor of the room and over the bed . As the light came to Sarah 's face , her eyes closed tighter , as if that could stop the morning from coming . She stretched her arms over her head and pointed her toes and felt them push against something . For a few seconds she frantically searched for her gun before remembering where she was . Sitting up she saw Jack asleep across the end of the bed , papers scattered on the floor . Looking at the clock she made it completely to her feet with the next jump . It was almost seven . They had fallen asleep going over the files . A knock on the door brought her head whipping around as a secret outside and closed the door behind him . Sarah glared at the door and then at Jack 's still sleeping form . Picking up a pillow she brought it down hard on his head . on the bed . " Not a good idea Sarah . " he said . She snorted and pulled her hair from the pony tail that had gone askew in the night . " Please , I could take you anytime . In fact , I already have . " she said as she used her fingers to brush her hair and quickly tied it up in a hasty bun . " You caught be off guard . And if I hadn 't had half my hip blown off , you never would have been able to do that . " he said . He looked at his watch and sighed . He was late . Picking up the papers that had fallen off the bed he handed them back to Sarah . She took them and shuffled them , unwilling to look him in the eyes . Sighing he walked away a few steps to think . Nothing . There had been no real leads in the papers or in his memories . If Brian Kirland was working for someone again , he didn 't know who . The IRA was gone for years . The organization that ran those cells torn apart and scattered . He watched Sarah look through the papers one last time before closing the folder . She looked at him almost defiantly . Daring him to say what he knew had to be said . He opened his mouth to say it but couldn 't . He couldn 't bring himself to look her in the eye and tell her she was no where . she walked past him towards the door . She paused with her hand on the knob . Without looking at him she took a deep breath and let it out slowly . " Back door was unlocked . Seriously Sarah , you would think with this beautiful house you would have more security . " Emily said , settling down on a stool by they island . Sarah shrugged . " Everything is insured and this place is so far off the road , I think most people don 't even know there is a house back here . " Emily watched her over the rim of her mug for a moment . Sarah looked exhausted , and maybe a little bit defeated . Setting her mug down , Emily reached for a tinfoil covered plate on the counter and handed it to her friend . " I actually came last night , around ten . I made cookies , your favorite . I assumed correctly that you wouldn 't have any food in here . " Sarah smiled and pulled a cookie out from under the tin foil . " Breakfast of champions . Orange chocolate chip cookies and coffee . " Sarah popped the cookie in her mouth and laughed at the grimace Emily made . " Did you sleep here last night then ? It 's a bit of a hike for you to come out here twice . " " Have you been in any of them lately ? There is more dust in them then anywhere else . No thanks . Have you ever considered getting some help to keep this place clean ? Or maybe sell it ? " Sarah wandered over the the french doors that let out onto the terrace . She closed her eyes and could almost clearly see in her mind 's eye Sharon running across the stones , waving a doll above her head . Her Aunt and Uncle were sitting watching the two girls play . She shook her head and opened her eyes . " I can 't sell this place Em . Too many memories . " She turned back to her friend and gave her a small smile . " But someone to keep this place clean , that 's not a bad idea . " Sitting on the stool next to Emily , Sarah put her coffee down and folded " You mean other then wanting to make sure my friend is staying nourished even if it is only with cookies ? Ok , you got me . I have this . " She pulled a small manilla envelope from her purse and handed it over . Sarah opened it and pulled out a hand full of black and white photographs . She looked at the top one and her heart starting beating faster along with her breathing . It was a side angle and the hair was darker , but that was Sharon ! " The General has been having me scan cameras for her face this whole time . Last night , I found her . She was at IAD , just off a plane from England . " Sarah 's head jerked up . " England ? ! How did she get out of the country ? Were you able to get anything from Heathrow ? Do we know what name she was traveling under ? Was she traveling with anyone else ? " Emily put her hands up slightly , trying to " You lost her ! How ? " Sarah demanded , continuing to poor over the images . She was older , obviously , and thinner . But not unhealthy thin . Emily gently pulled the pictures away from Sarah who only reluctantly gave them up . " " Lets head in to the office . Maybe they 've found something by now . I was hoping to have this to you last night but you weren 't answering your phone . Where were " I was . . . with a friend . " she said . " Let me get changed and I 'll meet you there . " Emily looked at her a moment , wondering what the hesitation was . Sarah had avoided all relationships since Jack . And that couldn 't have been classified as a technical relationship since they both were sticklers for the rules . But there had been something there . But now . . . Jack was on the campaign trail , very much in the public eye . The exact opposite of where Sarah would ever allow herself to be . and let her breath go slowly . She didn 't want Emily to know she had seen Jack . While she might not tell the General , Sarah preferred her contact with him to remain quiet . Telling someone who spent their days in people 's heads was not a good idea , no matter how close a friend she was . " Sam , she 's here ! In DC ! " Sarah said as she got to her room and started rumaging through her drawers for clean clothes . She would have gone in what she had been wearing but she had wanted to call Sam and she " Yes ! yes it 's me ! I saw pictures of Sharon walking through Dulles Airport yesterday ! She 's here in town Sam ! " She heard Sam swear on the The Watcher eased out from behind the tree near the gates of Sarah 's house and looked after her car as it drove down the driveway faster then was safe . Smiling , The Watcher nodded in approval . Sarah was angry and was about to take that anger out on someone . The smart guess would be on Jack Sheffler . Too bad King was too disciplined to loose control . Having Sheffler out of the picture would have made things so much easier in the long run . As the car 's tail lights disappeared , The Watcher slipped up to the house and took a key from their pocket . Holding the key The Watcher looked at it and wondered if in fact it would work . The key had been obtained a long time ago . That being said , Sarah King was almost completely lax in personal security . An odd trait in someone working for The Company . This house and everything in it was worth more money then could be spent in two lifetimes . Putting the key in the lock and turning it , The Watcher felt a thrill as the lock gave way and the handle turned . Stepping inside and locking the door behind them , The Watcher walked into the grand front foyer and looked around . The sun had just set and a soft , gray light made it difficult to see very far . It gave a dullness to the grander of the entryway . Walking quickly to the east wing , The Watcher moved with a purpose and sureness of someone who knew exactly where they were going . Stepping into a study The Watcher looked around and thought for a minute . The information hadn 't been very clear but had been enough to make the mission move forward . Walking around the room , The watcher tugged on gloves and started looking . There was a safe in this room that needed to be found and gone through before King came back . Hopefully the files that had been made up on Kirland and Sutan would be there as well . Cursing softly The Watcher hoped those two idiots would get what was coming to them soon . Running hands deftly along the mantle of the fire place , The Watcher paused at the sight of a crack on the side of the moulding at one end . Gently tugging in different directions a self satisfied smile came to their lips as a clicking sound finally indicated a lock loosening . Looking to the right another crack in the wall had widened . Pulling it open revealed a wall safe . Even better , it was a simple combination safe . Easy enough to get in to . It was only a matter of minutes before the door opened and The Watcher shone a small flash light inside . The safe was broken into two shelves . On the top shelf were a few boxes that held jewelry and a few old letters . On the bottom were several files . Eagerly taking the files out The Watcher flipped through them . They were legal documents , dealing with Sarah 's adoption by her aunt and uncle . The Watcher quickly lost interest , it wasn 't what they were looking for , but their eye caught a name on the last page that made them stop in disbelief . Oh this was too good ! The Watcher smiled again , but this time it was an ugly , triumphant smile . Taking a moment they took another look around the room and realized just how much dust was all over . The Watcher 's foot prints and hand hand prints were all over ! Swearing in frustration The Watcher took pictures of the file and put it back then started to clear away the traces of their presence in the room . The dust was more than just a few months . No one had been in this room in years ! Chances were King didn 't even know the safe existed . If she had ever opened it and gone through the contents , she wouldn 't be working for The Company . Touching the small camera in their pocket , The Watcher wondered just what they could get for this information . The paper 's they had originally come for but hadn 't found were important , but this bit of information could be just as important . " You know , I could give this speech in my sleep Sean . " he said . " Probably but there are a few changes that are crowd specific . Need to keep things personal . " Jack looked at him incredulously . " Seven hundred of your closest friends with big pockets . Shake them a little to get all the change in them . " Jack looked at Sean in surprise and smiled . The kid was starting to get a sense of humor ! It was about time ! " I 'll take this with me to my room and look it over and call someone if I have any changes . It 's almost midnight . How about we all try to call it an early night . Go have some fun Sean . I 'm going to sleep . " Jack watched the young aid walk away and called after him , " And by fun , I don 't mean strategizing . Have a drink ! Talk to a normal human being about something other then the campaign . " Sean rolled his eyes and kept going . Jack was pretty sure the kid was going to ignore him . He was some kind of machine when it came to the campaign . He thought Sean wanted him to win more then he did ! Nodding to the secret service men outside his door he opened it while reading the stump speech . Scanning it really . He saw the few differences Sean had mentioned and made note of them . Tossing the paper on the desk he shrugged off his suit coat and laid it on the chair . Reaching to loosen his tie he turned around and stopped at the sight of Sarah King sitting with her legs crossed on the end of the bed . " Really Jack , politics are making you slow and soft . " she said quietly . He took her in from head to toe . Her black hair was loose and wind blown but somehow perfectly framed her white face and green eyes . She was dressed in jeans and a sweater . A sweater he recognized as his . For a moment he was back in Russia eight years ago with her . They had been on a stakeout and lost the heat in the building they were in . It wasn 't winter thank goodness but it wasn 't warm . He had watched her shiver for an hour without asking for help before he pulled out the sweater from his bag and tossed it to her . Sarah never asked for help . She stood up and he snapped back to the present . " Secret Service wouldn 't think of stopping me . I have higher clearance then you ever will as President . " she said . He offered her a drink and she shook her head . Taking a sip himself he looked at the door and back at her . " You 're probably right . So , you had to have had a reason to bully your way past Tom and Bill . " he set the glass down and leaned against the desk . " What can I do for you Sarah ? " She paced for another minute before picking up a file on the bed . Flipping it open she took out several pieces of paper stapled together and handed them to him . He took it and started looking through them . It was the arrest file he had done on Brian Kirland . Looking up at her he could see she had gotten even more tense . " Brian was part of an Irish terrorist cell over here I helped take down when I was with the CIA . The DA couldn 't make anything stick to him . And honestly didn 't try too hard . He was low level . Didn 't know much of anything . " Sarah stopped pacing and stood staring strait at him . Her green eyes were practically snapping with anger . " There is a good chance he is one of the men who kidnapped and is holding Sharon . " she hissed at him . Jack stared at her in surprise and forgot the papers in his hands , letting them fall to the ground and taking a couple steps towards her before she stopped him with a look he recognized all too well . One more step forward would probably end with him on the ground . " How do you know ? " he asked . Sarah resumed pacing and Jack watched her . " Sam found a note Sharon wrote two years ago in a house in Baltimore . She gave two first names and a short description and his name and Richard Suton came up as possible matches . You took this guy down and the cell he was with . Why the hell would these guys want Sharon ? Why would they hold her for so long without making any demands or any moves ? " Her voice rose as she spoke and Jack relaxed a little . The louder Sarah got the less likely she was to loose control of her temper . It was when she went quiet that he would get worried . Jack thought back and tried to find an answer for her . The cell he had taken down had been a radical off shoot of the IRA . In fact , he had gotten help from the main IRA leaders to help bring them in . The radicals had gone farther then any attacks by the IRA . Their general thought process was if you weren 't Irish you had no right trying to influence Ireland in any way . From what he understood , this splinter group was in favor of pushing all but the Irish from Ireland . And by Irish , they meant full blooded and members of a Clan . He couldn 't understand the thought process then and now he was even more confused . Sharon King was of Irish descent , but her grandparents on her mother 's side had left Ireland when they were newly married . As far as he knew , they had no connection to the IRA . " Sarah , I 'm sorry . I don 't know . Kirland was a kid then . Probably pulled in off the streets to be more an errand boy then anything . The group his cell was attached to has been completely dismantled . Six years ago the last cell was uncovered and lead to the core group . All those people are in jail and those who somehow made it through the trials are watched carefully . " Sarah looked at him and then sighed in frustration , sitting back on the bed and folding her arms , scowling at the floor . " There has to be a connection Jack ! There has to be a reason she was taken and this man is the first real lead we have had in years . Why ? Why are they holding her and doing nothing ? " Jack walked over and carefully sat next to her , leaving plenty of space between them . She was still tense and the last thing he wanted was to have to explain why his body guards shouldn 't arrest her for assaulting him if he said the wrong thing . " Sarah , you have to eventually consider the very real possibility that she - - " before he could finish Sarah smacked her hand over his mouth and he tensed waiting for what he expected to follow . If only his hip weren 't so stiff he could take her down . But she didn 't move and neither did he . After a moment she took her hand away and stood up to pace again . " Don 't say it . She IS alive . She has to be alive . No , there is a reason for all of this . This guy worked for terrorists before so the chances of him going back to familiar territory is high . I just have to figure out who and why they took Sharon . " Jack watched her pace a few more minutes before he realized she wasn 't here to take her frustration out on him . She was here to ask him for help and was having a hard time doing it . He almost smiled but held it in . A smile would be bad right about now . Instead he switched directions . " Does The General know you 're here ? " Sarah stopped and he knew he had hit a sore spot . " He doesn 't I see . I 'm not surprised I guess . He gave me the lecture to stay out of things . And to stay away from you . " Sarah looked at him and this time he did smile . She took a deep breath and let it out slowly . " I need your help Jack . The General , he keeps things too compartmentalized for me right now . I have to find Sharon . I know she 's alive and I have to find her . " Jack looked at her a moment and then nodded . " You don 't make things easy . Your timing could be a little better . But I 'll do what I can . I still have contacts and I 'll try to connect with them and see what I can find . " Sarah gave a small smile and sat down next to him again . " Will I get in the way of you winning ? " Jack smiled and shrugged . " A spook is running for president . I think the secret service will get a work out like they have never had keeping up with me . But thats who I am . " Sarah tilted her head as she looked at him curiously . " Maybe some day I 'll tell you . But for now , lets focus on Sharon . Let me see what you have . " Sarah handed him the folders and he started flipping through them . She watched him read for a moment before going to pour herself a drink . Taking a large sip she winced as the scotch burned a trail downer throat . She made a face . She had never liked hard liquor but felt like she needed a drink . Coming here she was going against The General and possibly costing Jack his bizarre run for the presidency . But she was going to get her cousin back no matter what it took . " King ! King , hold up a minute ! " Sarah stopped and turned to see Emily Poke jog down the hallway towards her . She and Emily had gone through training together what seemed a lifetime ago . Emily 's specialty was different from her 's though . While Sarah excelled in the physical hunt , Emily lead the team in the psychological hunt . Their joke was Sarah played in caves and dark allies while Emily played with minds . Psyche stuff that Sarah never fully understood . " So did you find him with the posters and CD 's I said would be there ? " Sarah shook her head . Emily had pointed her in the direction that ultimately lead to finding her quarry . Oddly enough , purchases of Brittany Spears CDs and posters of the singer had helped . " You were right . His son has some kind of twisted obsession with that girl . Can 't resist getting her music . Once I found him it was only a matter of time before he lead me to daddy . And daddy was pissed ! " The elevator door opened and the two stepped inside . " I believe it ! " Emily laughed . Sarah shook her head . The hard core terrorists sometimes had the strangest family members . So much for blocking out the West and all it had to offer . " Anyway , I 'm getting some time off . A few weeks . " Sarah said . Emily looked at her carefully and Sarah had to work to not let a single muscle twitch while her friend analyzed her . " That 's right . Your reporter friend found that letter Sharon wrote . Interesting that . " Sarah looked at Emily , catching a tone of voice she didn 't like . " What ? Oh , well , the obvious I guess . " Sarah waited patiently as the elevator doors opened and the two walked out into the lobby of the building that housed the offices for The Company . As they walked outside Sarah put a hand on Emily 's shoulder and stopped her . " Obvious ? " Sarah wanted to grind her teeth at the startled look she was given . She had forgotten how Emily never seemed to understand people didn 't always know what she was thinking . " Yes , well , she has been gone for five years . That note was written two years ago . I 'm just surprised that after three years she wrote something that said she still wanted to be rescued . " Emily continued to walk to the parking lot but Sarah was too stunned to move for a moment , forcing her to run to catch up with the other woman . " Why wouldn 't she ? " demanded Sarah . Emily fished her keys out of her purse and didn 't look at Sarah for a minute . Then she sighed and looked her strait in the eye . " By the time she wrote that letter , most people after three years have accepted their fate and even will form an attachment to the people holding them . Her letter indicated this hadn 't happened . I 'm just surprised by that . " Sarah knew she was staring at Emily with her mouth open but didn 't care . " Sarah , even the most seasoned field agent would be fighting Stockholm Syndrome by now . And Sharon was just a college student when she was taken . A smart one , no doubt but she had no training , no knowledge of what to do in a kidnapping situation . " Sarah leaned against Emily 's car and looked at the sky as if searching for an answer . It had never once occurred to her that Sharon would do anything but try to get away or find a way to leave her clues . That is what she would have done . Until this moment , she had been so focused in on finding Sharon that she had never let herself think of anything but Sharon trying to get to her . Emily looked at her friend sadly . She was a little surprised Sarah had never thought about this . In every other respect , Sarah was a top field agent . But she had a blind spot when it came to Sharon . She always had ever since they had met . Reaching up she gave Sarah 's shoulder a squeeze . " Look , I could be wrong . You King girls are tough . Maybe she has more of you in her then meets the eye . But Sarah , maybe you need to switch how you are thinking about this whole thing . I heard you might have some faces attached to the names in the note . Run those guys down , see who they are . Then maybe , start trying to figure out why they might have taken Sharon and held her for so long . " " Right , two names we didn 't have before . Assuming they are the same guys . I 'm starting there . I have their files and am planning a late night looking through them . " Sarah said giving the bag on her shoulder a small shake . " The FBI did a pretty thorough run down on them . I 'm waiting to see if CIA has anything to add . " Emily nodded and unlocked her car . " Rest some Sarah . You just spent three months loosing yourself in the mountains and you just got back . I know you want to find Sharon and I want you to find her too . But you have to take care of yourself or you won 't be any good to her . " Sarah took a deep breath to calm herself and gave Emily a quick hug . " Don 't worry . I promise to get some rest . Just let me dive into this for now . The General gave me three weeks . I promise to take some of it to rest . " She stopped when she saw Emily 's eyes light up . She obviously had an idea and for some reason it made Sarah uneasy . " Good ! Because I have someone I want you to meet . How about a blind date ? Only a double blind date . Come with Harry and I . " Sarah didn 't even bother to try to suppress the groan that came up her throat . " Please , that was six months ago and I thought you had fun . " Sarah caught herself this time . She had almost blurted out that the date had been fine until they had run into someone else . If Emily found out she would have lectured Sarah for another five minutes then force her on another date to make up for never calling the other date back . It could be very confusing understanding Emily sometimes and even more confusing figuring out how she ended up doing whatever she suggested . It had to do with the mind games she played with all day for sure . " Look , let me get a start on this new information . I have already made plans with Sam tonight . Once I find some free time I 'll give you a call and me , you and Harry can go get some drinks . " Emily smiled and opened her car door , tossing her purse in . " No , Emily ! No ! " She watched feeling helpless as her friend drove away laughing . Sighing , Sarah walked over to her car and found herself wondering how she could hunt down dangerous terrorists without flinching but couldn 't get herself out of one of Emily 's fix ups ! Throwing her bag into the passenger seat she heard a text message come in on her phone . Need to meet now . Can 't wait for dinner . Meet at Lincoln . It was from Sam . She felt her pulse quicken and completely forgot about Emily and blind dates . Jumping in her car she left tire marks as she sped out of the parking lot and into DC . Sam stood at the base of the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and paced back and forth five or six steps . Every once in a while he would glance up looking for Sarah , then returned to his pacing , studying the ground as he went back and forth . He didn 't like having to disappoint Sarah by backing out of helping her for the next month but he disliked telling her why even more . While he didn 't know the details , he knew there was some kind of history between Sarah and his new assignment . Only rumors , things he had over heard during his dealings with The Company . Nothing concrete but he had a feeling the history wasn 't all good . And he was about to send her back towards someone his instincts told him to keep her away from . He jumped when he felt a tap on his shoulder . " Sorry , but I did call your name a couple times as I walked up . " she said , concern on her face . " What 's so important ? Did you find something ? " Sam pulled her down to sit on the steps . " Sam , whats wrong ? " she asked . She had never seen him this worked up before . He scrubbed a hand through his hair . She noticed it was starting to turn from brown to gray , speckles spotting it here and there . He looked at her and sighed . " I 've been given a new assignment that will take me out on the Presidential campaign trail for the next month . Just until the election . " Sarah blinked . She was disappointed but she could keep looking even without Sam . Although he had been her strongest supporter over the years . " Not for a few more days . I have to cover the guy while he is here but I 'll have some free time here and there before Monday . I 'll help you all I can though . In fact , I have this to add to the files you have already . Not sure if it will be in there or not . " He pulled a folded piece of paper with scribbles all over it . She recognized a picture of Brian Kirland , one of the men suspected , on it . Next to the picture was a name that made her stop . Jack Sheffler . " What does he have to do with Brian Kirland ? " she asked . " Well , I was researching Sheffler 's past with the CIA and found his name attached to the first arrest of Kirland about eight years ago . He was suspected of being a part of an Irish terrorist cell . Sheffler lead the team that broke the cell . There was no concrete evidence against Kirland so he ended up walking . He was written off by the DA as a low level lackey with no use . " Sarah stopped reading and looked at Sam . " Boy kid , you really have been out of touch ! Jack Sheffler is the Republican nominee for president . " Sarah immediately forgot about the paper in her hand and looked at Sam in shock . " Jack ? I know he was talking about running and something about primaries . I was out of the country so often I never paid attention . Last time I saw him he - - " She cut off and shook the memory from her head . It hadn 't been a pleasant meeting . Looking back at the paper she partially crumpled it , seeing only his name next to the picture . " What else was there about his arrest of Kirland ? " " And the General hasn 't said anything ? " Sarah 's head snapped up at that . The General had given her the two names . He wouldn 't have missed Jack being connected . And he hadn 't said a thing . He was still playing the protector ! She felt a hand on hers and looked down to see she had completely crumpled the paper and was on the verge of tearing it . Sam was trying to get her to relax and let go of it before she did . Taking a breath she opened her hands and Sam pulled the wrinkled paper away from her and started to smooth it . He didn 't want to say anything more but he knew if he didn 't , the anger he saw on her face would be directed towards him next . " Look through the files but if you have to , get in touch with Sheffler . He is in town doing speeches and rubber chicken dinners until Monday morning . And he isn 't staying at his home . His whole group is at the Hyatt on Capitol Hill . " Sarah took a deep breath and reached for the paper again , this time handling it gently . " Thanks Sam . You mind if I head home now ? I want to get into these files and I 'm not hungry anymore . " Sam stood up and held out a hand to help her up . " Yeah , no problem . I 'll be in touch with you before I head out of town . " He watched Sara walk away and hoped he had pointed her in the right direction . I love to write and am an aspiring author . I hope some day to be published and am working daily towards that goal . Currently I am recovering from chemo and looking forward to moving forward . |
I went and took a shower to calm my nerves . I was in the bath dozing off when I heard a knock on the door . I wasn 't expecting anyone and had no clue that would come over unannounced . I looked out the peephole and didn 't see anyone . Maybe it wasn 't my door . I was about to walk away when the knocking came again . That was definitely my door . I looked out the peephole right into the face of a woman . I didn 't recognize … wait ! She was the woman outside that morning in the black car . I recognized her profile . She was dark skin , slim , and she wasn 't someone I knew . She knocked again . I cracked the door slightly . " Yes , can I help you ? " She pushed in the door with so much force I stumbled back on the floor . My robe flew open and I was totally exposed to this stranger . I quickly grabbed the tie to my robe and tied it closed . I don 't think she even noticed . She was angry about something but I didn 't even know who the heck she was . " I 'm sorry but who are you , " I said defensively . " You got a lot of nerve bitch ! Who the hell do you think you are ? " " Excuse me , " I said looking at her . This mad woman was in my house calling me a bitch ! " You don 't remember me ? " " No , I don 't even know you , " I said crossing my arms . " You don 't remember my voice on the phone ? " Wait . This is who called me that night from the telephone booth ? " Who are you and what do you want , " I said looking at the phone . I had made sure that my phone was in view at all times now . I also had my eye on the knife sitting on my kitchen counter . She charged towards me and grabbed me by the throat . " I 'm going to kill you , you fucking bitch ! You got my brother locked up in jail and now some muthafuckas done raped him ! " I tried to grab her hands around my throat but she flung me to the ground and jumped on top of me as I reached for the vase sitting on the floor . I was not going to let another person hurt me in my own damn home . I punched her in her face and she winced back . I hadn 't hit her hard but enough for her to take herSunshine Writer My phone rang . I didn 't recognize the number . Never knowing if it was a client , I always answered my phone . " Hello , this is Toni . " It was Officer Terry , Steve 's partner . " Hello Miss Brown . I was calling to give you some news we just received from the jail . " I held my breath . Please Lord don 't tell me that man was not getting out of jail . " There was an incident at the jail and Mr . Proctor was assaulted . " I smiled . Good for him . " Okay … " " We thought you would want to know . " " Thank you for letting me know . I know that 's not normal protocol . Wait , is he dead ? " Now I don 't wish death on anyone but if the crime fits … " Well no , but he wants to be . " " What do you mean by that ? " " He was gang raped . " I looked at the phone and then asked , " Are you serious ? " " Yes . He is in the ICU . Unfortunately child molesters and rapist tend to get the same treatment that got them locked up . They are in special units of the jail but when the doors are unlocked for a couple hours a day they sometimes become targets . " I couldn 't believe it . Some people would be happy about this but I wasn 't . No one deserved to be raped , especially gang raped not even my own rapist . He acted like such a manly man . He had to be suffering . Now he knew how it felt to be violated . That I was not sorry for . " Thank you for calling me . I appreciate it . " I put my cell back in my pocket and stared out the window for a few seconds . Sean put her hand over mine . " Are you okay ? You are shaking . " I hadn 't noticed . " Yes that was your brother 's partner . Quentin was gang raped in jail . " She sat up releasing my hand . " Well good for him . " That might be the normal response . " Really ? " " I 'm sorry . Men who rape sometimes get off in the court system . But in the jail system , they never get off . Someone always proves a lesson to guys like that in jail . They are considered punks in jail and before they know it , that 's what they become . I 've seen it over and over again . " I thought about it for a moment and shook my headPosted by We stood in the kitchen exchanging information . I needed to know as much about Diego not only for Jessica and my god daughters but for Denise as well . He didn 't tell me anything I didn 't know already but he did confirm that the guy I feared was dead was indeed dead but that Diego wasn 't the main suspect . He had several enemies and a couple were more attractive for the hit than Diego . That didn 't mean that Diego didn 't do it . My father announced that he was tired and my mom got up immediately to grab their things . My dad was a soldier but he knew his limits . He had survived colon and prostate cancer but of course with all other health issues , more issues came along . They said their goodbyes and that left Steve , Sean , Jessica , and Diego . Fun times . Jessica and Diego were sitting on the couch . Steve was sitting in my chair , and Sean was sitting on the floor . I refreshed drinks but instead of soda , I gave the guys beer and the ladies wine . I was enjoying my little dinner party not only because of the Diego and Steve saga but because Sean was there catering to everyone as if she lived there , which eased up my work and Jessica was there having a good time . She didn 't get out much . Never did . She was a homebody . I turned on some neo soul and we had conversations among ourselves . The only ones who weren 't speaking to each other were Steve and Diego . Was I the only one who noticed that ? Jessica and Sean were talking about her girls . Steve and I were talking about the music I was playing . It was an up and coming artist , Ledisi . My father had bought her CD along with a few others when I bought my house . Diego joined in the conversation about Jessica 's girls . They laughed together about something the girls had done over the weekend . I was the godmother to Jessica 's girls but I hadn 't spent time with them since a week before my … accident . I missed them . I felt a little jealous that Diego was sharing in their lives . He seemed to be really animated when he talked about them . That thought made me nervous . He wSteve excused himself twenty minutes later and it was Sean and I alone again . We cleaned up the kitchen and I heard scratching noises at the window . I ran over to the window to let Sammy in . Fat cat jumped down to the floor and meowed . Milk time ! We couldn 't do anything but laugh as he sat down and waited nicely for me to pour him some milk . Spoiled rotten . We sat down and listened to some jazz this time and drank a bottle of wine . " I guess I should be leaving . It 's late , " she said yawning . " Do you work tomorrow , " I asked . " I 'm off for a week . " " No , I 'm off for the weekend , " she said yawning again . " How far away do you live ? " " Well I guess I 'll drop Sammy off and stay at my moms . I live in South Park . " " Oh nice . Paramedics make good money huh ? " " Yea right . I got a hook up kinda . " " Oh really . Old girlfriend , " I teased . " Actually my parents owned it . My mom can 't stay in both places and my brother likes apartment life , so that left me or sell it . " " Good deal . " " Yea it 's a nice spot . Little house but big enough for little old me . " I laughed . " Well you could stay here if you want . I wouldn 't mind the company . " She sat up straight . " Really ? I would like that ! " She grabbed her cell out her pocket . " Dammit , I forgot to charge my phone . It 's dead . " " You can use mine . " I handed her the cordless . I leaned back as she checked on her mom and promised to bring Sammy by in the morning . " He 's okay mom . We might have to lock that cat door at night so our little guy doesn 't get really lost . " They spoke for a few moments and then she hung up the phone smiling . " She okay ? " " Yea my brother is there . " " Oh that 's good . You guys really take care of your mom . That 's nice to see these days . " " He 's a momma 's boy still , " she joked . " Then she has two momma 's boys , " I teased . She laughed so hard tears came to her eyes . We talked about her brother a bit and how they both decided to go in their respective careers . Their father , though a decent providePosted by Stephanie and I left the house about 12 : 45 and I could tell she was nervous . From what I could tell from her file , she hadn 't seen him since they had been picked up at his cousin 's house where they had been found . We arrived at the mall a few minutes after one and headed straight to the food court . Since the court was so big , we agreed to meet in front of the Showmars . I saw Denise approaching and Stephanie must have saw Scott because she ran towards a good looking boy that was pointing at her . Young love . I let her be . I already told her not to go outside the food court without telling me . I kept an eye on her while looking for Sean . I saw Sean approaching from the street entrance . She was wearing a pair of jeans and a black button down shirt . Her hair was back in a ponytail and she had earrings on that I hadn 't noticed before . She walked up to me and gave me a hug I hadn 't expected . I felt my face get warm . Denise was watching and smiling . " Hi Sean , this is Denise , " I said putting my hand on Denise 's shoulder . " Hi , how are you young lady ? " " I 'm good , " she said smiling at me still . Why was she looking at me like that ? We sat down at a table and we all looked from one to the other . " Well this is fun , " Denise commented . " I 'm waiting for you , " Sean said . " What 's going on ? " I decided before I got there to let Sean handle this one . I still didn 't know how to handle all that was going on between her and I . I knew something was there but I didn 't know what exactly . I sat back and listened . They talked about a girl that Denise had met and thought was really " hot . " Sean and her laughed and talked like old buddies . Sean asked her if she ever had a boyfriend . Denise had told her once but that she was only with him because a girl she didn 't like wanted him . Soon as the girl wasn 't interested anymore , she dumped him . They laughed at that . I had to too . I had done that before myself in high school . They were having a good conversation while I was keeping an eye on Stephanie . I saw themPosted by Monday morning came sooner than usual for me . I didn 't like getting new clients because that meant the child had suffered some kind of trauma in their lives . However , I wouldn 't have chosen this career to not get any work . I was hear to help my clients . So I arrived at the office early to read over the client file . Stephanie . Age 17 . Lost her virginity to rape at 12 by two neighborhood boys . She was also abused physically by her father . The father was in counseling . Her rapist disappeared after her parents confronted the boy 's parents . The last incident with her father was the most recent . This was going to be a difficult one . I read through all the notes . Stephanie 's mother didn 't leave the father after the details of the abuse came out . Stephanie had been seeing a boy older than her and he was in the house when the father got home . Stephanie told the police that she hadn 't had sex with the boy " yet " and her father came in and ran the guy outside . The father went back in her room while she was half dressed and made her take her clothes off . He told her to lay down on the bed and he touched her breast . He then asked her what she was going to do with a boy that size and then put his fingers between her legs touching her private part . He then said to her , " you don 't even have a smell yet . " I wasn 't quite sure what that meant but that 's what Stephanie had in her report . He then made her lay back down and he took his penis out and put it on her . Then he put the head of his penis on her private part . When she started asking why he was doing that to her and crying he stopped , pulled up his pants , and left her in the room humiliated and confused . This happened when she was 14 . The last incident by her father happened as a result of what Stephanie reported as a lie spread by someone in school she didn 't like . The girl she didn 't like had written her phone number on the boy 's bathroom wall . She wasn 't allowed to have boys calling her at home . Boys started calling her house phone asking forPosted by I unlocked my apartment door and for some reason I looked inside first . I didn 't see anything unusual . I guess I was still spooked about the calls the other day . After talking to Officer Moses , I decided to go home instead of back to my parent house . No one out of the ordinary had used the telephone booth after I received the last call so the Officer Moses thought it was just a prank caller . I hoped so . I took my clothes off and put on my pajamas . I would take a shower later . I just wanted to sit down . I turned the television on and let the television watch me as I thought about Jessica and Diego . Diego was definitely a nice looking man . I 'm sure he was taking care of her financially . That 's the kind of man he was . He could definitely afford it . I wonder how they met ? Car dealer ! Ha ! Jessica 's heart was fragile . She had been hurt way too many times . Now that she knew the risks , her heart would be even more vested . That 's the way her heart worked . It didn 't listen to instincts . It only listened to the conscious that kept whispering in her ear to do it no matter what your instincts say . Like the devil and the angel in the movies that sit on each shoulder . The angel tried to sympathize and help you make the right safe decision . Then you had the devil , contradicting everything the angel said and made you see the benefits in taking risks and possibly heartache just for a few moments of short - term pleasure and satisfaction . My thoughts were interrupted by a scratching sound and smiled . Walking over to the window , I opened the curtains to see my friend , fat cat . This time he had a tag on him . I looked at the tag - Sammy . His name was Sammy . It fit him perfectly . I opened the window to greet my little friend . He must have went missing enough times for his owner to put a tag on him . He lived down the block . Not too far away . At least I knew now where he was from . Fat cat went to the kitchen again in search of milk . I had left his bowl on the floor and I poured fresh milk in it . He drank like a kid in a candy stor " Oh please come in for a moment . Would you like some tea , " she asked walking towards the back of the house . For some reason I decided to follow . There were pictures on the wall of her and a man . I figured the man was her husband . Handsome guy . He looked familiar . " My husband passed away two years ago , " she said reading my thoughts . " Do you like herbal , green , or regular tea ? " " Green tea is fine . " I sat down at the table . The kitchen was huge with an island in the front . I had always liked that feature . As I looked around , Sammy jumped in my lap . I rubbed him and he resumed his purring routine . She brought me over a hot glass of tea and sat down across from me . " Thank you again for bringing him home , " she said looking down at Sammy . " He is such a sweet cat , " I praised . We sat and talked for what seemed an hour . I got up to leave and she asked me my name . We had been talking this long and we hadn 't even introduced ourselves . I apologized and told her my name . " Toni . That fits you . My name is Regina Moses . " I looked at her . I was full of coincidences today . It couldn 't be . " Do you have twins ? " Her face lit up . " Yes I do ! How did you know that ? " I laughed . Well I 'll be damned . " I know your son and daughter I believe . " " Oh wonderful ! Sean and Steve are actually on their way ! " As she said it , I heard the front door open . I whirled around and saw Sean heading my way . Well I 'll be doubled damn . Sean stopped in her tracks when she saw me . I suddenly felt conscious standing in her mother 's kitchen in my pajamas . I had even forgotten that I had them on . I felt like an idiot . A smile started forming on Sean 's face as she approached . I just looked at her . " What are you doing here ? " I put my head down . " I brought Sammy home . I had no idea … " " Wow that tag actually was a good idea , " she said looking around to her mother . Her mother clapped her hands . " It sure was ! Where is Steve ? " " He is grabbing the groceries . Care to stay for dinner Toni , " she asked me . " Oh I couldn ' Posted by Quentin wasn 't going to get away with what he did to me like a lot of rapist do because of technicalities . I had to think positive . He was sinking his own ship and that was going to work in the publics favor including mine . He would never be able to hurt another woman . I was going to see to it . Officer Moses and Terry were doing there job and doing it well . Another thing on my side is that they caught him in the act , per say , so that helped my case even more . " He isn 't going to walk , " they assured me . " Thank you . " They excused themselves and left the precinct . Now what ? Just as I was about to leave , I walked right into Sean literally . " Hi , " she said grabbing me so I didn 't fall . " Oh , hi . " She released my arms and I stepped back . She had her hair out of the usual ponytail and was wearing her uniform . She looked very attractive as always . " One of the officers had a heart attack but the other van took him to the hospital . " " Oh okay . " " I 'm about to get off . " " Okay . " I didn 't know what to say . Why did I feel so awkward around this woman ? Maybe because she had seen me in my most vulnerable state . Maybe because she was so nice to me . Maybe because she showed genuine interest after the … Maybe crap ! I had no clue why I felt so damn nervous . " I was going to call you later and check on you . Is everything okay ? " " Yes , I came down here to get an update on the letter that was sent . " " Oh right . Was it taken care of , " she asked concerned again . " Yes , they did . He can 't write anyone now . " That 's good she said folding her arms . " And how has your morning been ? " " Fine . I took a client to breakfast . " I started to relax . She was very easy to talk to . " I was about to get something to eat across the street . Want to join me ? Do you have something to do ? You have time ? " " I um … I was just going to go home … nothing else to do . I just ate though so maybe some other time , " I said shrugging my shoulders . " Okay that 's cool . " I turned around to leave . I really didn 't know what II walked Sean back to her car and she promised to call me later . I was actually looking forward to it . She was so easy to talk to and I trusted her . She wasn 't a man , which I didn 't want to be around right now besides my father and she wasn 't my family or Jessica treating me like a wounded bird . I needed to do something productive , so I called the office and asked them to send my caseload to my house . Brittany , my Director tried to talk me out of it , requesting that I take more time but I told her that the more time I took , the angrier I would become . She agreed to let my pending cases get delivered to me but that was it . That pending status included Denise . They had found her at her mothers as I expected them to . She had been missing her mother terribly and kept fighting at school anytime someone mentioned her mother 's recent news report . Her mother , Vivian Thompson , had robbed a liquor store a few blocks from there which was the latest mark on her record that kept Denise from being returned home . She had almost gotten away with it until her on again off again boyfriend got mad at her and told one of his in between girlfriends who ratted her out . She had gotten away with five thousand dollars and was facing felony charges . Denise was not going home anytime soon . Denise 's father , Diego Vargas , had gotten her out on bail . Denise 's father was a well known drug dealer . Poor Denise , she was screwed both ways . She would be my priority . I got up from the couch and noticed that Jessica had cooked me breakfast . My body was still aching but the pain was less . I got up slowly and steadied myself . Jessica must have stepped out for a second . She wouldn 't have gone far without waking me to tell me . I went to the bathroom and stopped before entering . I looked around as if I was expecting someone . No one was there . I stepped in and looked in the mirror . I couldn 't believe how horrible I looked . Actually I could , because I always looked how I felt . Some people could pull of looking amazing while they are feeling terrible inside . I was not one of those people . My skin was pale . My hair was limp . My face had a few faint bruises on it . I took my mothers nightgown off and stood naked in front of the mirror . I could see the bruises on my body and a few scratches . I saw the needle marks on my forearm where the IVs haI pulled myself together , wrapping my robe around me . I had air dried already so I went to the hall closet and grabbed my cell phone out my sweater . I hadn 't turned it on since … since I was raped . I was a rape victim . I shuttered at what was yet to come . Court , testimony , counseling , sentencing , healing … the list would go on . I thought of Denise again . I promised myself that I would accomplish something each day . I went back to the couch and opened Denise 's thick file . I started reading the police report that was placed when they took her from her mother again . Denise had put up a fight , biting one of the officers . Vivian had jumped on the other officers back . It had been a circus and the local news had caught it all on tape . Another embarrassing moment for Denise . I dialed the youth detention center that they had taken Denise the night they found her . She wasn 't going back to foster care anytime soon . This last incident confirmed that . She would just run away again . " Hello Karen . This is Toni Brown . How are you ? " " I am fine Toni . How are you feeling ? " She never asked me that before but then again I hadn 't been a victim of a crime before this . " I am okay , " avoiding a long explanation . " I was calling to check on one of my clients , Denise Thompson . " " Oh yes . Denise is not doing so well . She heard about your attack and is very angry that no one would let her call you . She kept asking for your number and no one would give it to her . " I sighed . My phone had been off for over a week now and I hadn 't even checked my voicemail . If she had called she probably had left several messages . " Is she available for me to speak to her , " I asked already knowing the answer . " You know she can 't have calls during her probation period . " " I know but it is very important that she talks to someone and I would prefer that person to be me . " I heard Karen breathing . Then the phone was set down with a thump as if it had been dropped . A few minutes later I heard footsteps and then Denise 's voice . " Hello , " I heard Denise say impatiently . " Hi Denise , this is Toni . " " Oh my god , Miss Brown ! I 've been so worried about you . Are you okay ? How are you feeling ? Is that dick in jail ? I can get my daddy to kill him for you ! Just say the word ! " I laughed because I knew she was serious . " No Denise . He is locked up and he will not be getting out anytime soon . I am better . Taking it one day at a time . I heard that you were concerned about me . I was concerned about you and truthfully I missed your jokes . " I smiled at the memory of our last visit . I had picked her up from school and some boy kept trying to talk to her . She had talked about him all the way home - from his " whack ass Mohawk " to his " red busted up shoes . " I remember those days . Denise was kind of a bully . She was always fighting boys at her school and the girls stayed out of her way unless they were in her click . She hung out with a lot of hard looking girls . At one point , I thought that maybe they were gay . I hadn 't asked though . That was the least of her problems . We talked for a few moments longer before Karen interrupted us . " The witch said I can 't talk to you no more . Can you come see me ? " " Denise , be respectful , " I encouraged . " I will come visit you as soon as I 'm able . " " Don 't forget what I said . My daddy is a block away ! " I laughed again . Denise , despite her tough demeanor and quick temper , had become my favorite client . I had her case off and on for four years and soon she would age out of the system . I was hoping I could help her get on the right road before then . So many kids age out of the system and you don 't hear anything but negative things about them . Very few actually make it , but it took good support systems to make that possible . Denise didn 't have a support system . I vowed to be that single force . The day that I was being released , Vaughn came to pick me up . I thanked him for the lilies but in my mind I knew it was the worst attempt at an apology . Flowers died so did love . I donated them to the cancer wing of the hospital . Jessica and I had discussed her picking me up but at the last minute Vaughn called and asked for the " honors " and even though I wasn 't ready to face him , I knew he had been waiting patiently to see me . He signed all the necessary paperwork for my release and then the officer assigned to my room wheeled me out to wait for Vaughn to drive up and get me . As Vaughn helped me in the car , I felt my stitches stretch . I had been told to stay on bed rest once I got home . That bastard had torn my skin at the entry to my anal area and I had to have five stitches . It was not a comfortable feeling having your ass stitched . Nothing about this whole ordeal was comfortable . I had overheard Jessica and my mother talking about why Vaughn was the last one getting to the hospital . He had been out with another woman with his cell off . I wondered for a moment if it was the same woman he had canceled our dates for before . Or was this a new conquest for him ? One of my clients had told me that they saw Vaughn in my car with a woman . I had questioned him about it , but of course he gave me some lame excuse that it was one of his clients . Vaughn was a tattoo artist and clothing designer . He was artistic and very good at what he did . He was one of the best . He was around women all the time . He was good looking and knew how to say the right things . He had gotten me , hadn 't he ? Once I realized I was getting played , I was too embarrassed to just give up . I had invested a lot in us . He swore that whoever was telling me stuff was just hating and jealous . I didn 't keep people in my circle like that , but by the time he finished talking and romancing me , my head was so far in the clouds I never stayed mad long . I wasn 't one to be made a fool of but so long . Once I heard more than once that he was cheating on me from " First I want to tell you that what happened to me was not your fault . Obviously Quentin had been watching me for some time . He was just waiting for an opportunity to approach me . " Officer Moses informed me before I left the hospital that Quentin had been staying at a hotel a block away not his normal spot , at his mothers . When they searched his room , he had photos of me alone , with Vaughn , Jessica , at work and even getting undressed . Their was an empty condo directly across from me that he had set up to watch me . Mental note was made to invest in curtains and an alarm . " I know that you were with another woman the night that I was attacked . Who was she ? " He put his hands in his pocket . Classic sign of guilt for him . " It doesn 't matter . I can 't do this with you and I right now . I need time to myself to sort all this out , start healing , and get back to work . " I walked over to him and took his hand . I had to do this for closure . I wasn 't in love with him anymore . He had hurt me too many times . I had to let go right now . One less obstacle to conquer . " Toni , I am so sorry . I love you and care for you . I want to help you through this if you let me . " I turned away from him . I couldn 't allow that . Not now anyway . " I 'm sorry , but I cant accept your help . Where were you when it happened ? Where were you when Jessica was trying to reach you ? Where were you when I went into surgery ? You didn 't care about me then . You are selfish ! Always have been and I don 't want you here right now . I might not ever want you here again . " I went to my front door and opened it . " I need you to leave , " I said stepping away from the door so he could pass through it possibly for the last time . He stopped close to me . I didn 't look into his eyes . I don 't want to see anymore . " I am sorry . Please call me if you need anything . I promise to be there when you call . " He walked through the door as I shut it . I cried for what seemed forever until I heard a soft knocking . It was Jessica . I opened the door and fell into hePosted by I awakened again to see my mother in the corner praying . My mother has always been a religious woman . She wasn 't insane with it but she completely had faith in her God . I wasn 't so convinced most times . Right now I knew I needed prayer . I could hear the doctors talking to my father and Jessica . I couldn 't make out what they were saying . I didn 't want to know . I knew what had happened to me . I felt the injuries . They must have given me something for pain because the pain was dull but still there reaching out . My mother saw me looking at her and came to my side . My mother was shorter than me by a few inches with green beautiful eyes , fair skin , and naturally long curly hair . Her eyes always revealed her emotions . She looked at me , taking my hand and kissing them . She didn 't say anything . For the first time , she didn 't say anything . Tears came to her eyes and I looked away . Not now . Please don 't cry . I can 't cry anymore . Anger started to rise in me and I spoke so loud everyone turned around to look at me , even the nurses in the hallway . " Where is he , " I yelled . " Where is he ? " I tried to sit up as my mother tried to calm me . Jessica ran over to my left side and grabbed my free hand . " Toni honey . Please calm down . Lay down please . Please lay down , " she said softly pleading with me . I felt her hand on my hair and I flinched . I wanted to cut my hair off . He had used my hair to restrain me . I hated it . She pulled her hand away and took my face in her small hands . She looked me in my eyes and told me she loved me . She told me that he had been arrested and was being held until the mornings bail hearing . He wasn 't going anywhere . Charges were already piling up against him including sodomy , rape , attempted murder , assault on an officer , and the list went on . I started to breathe slower , easier . I laid back down . My mother stepped towards me but hesitated . I touched her arm and she came closer , hugging me . My father joined her , hugging me gently . Jessica stepped back to compose herself . I saw herSunshine Writer Through the book I am writing I hope to help others begin their journey to becoming who they have the potential to be . I hope that readers will be able to relate to some of the characters and will take the journey with them to helping themselves . More importantly , I hope that this book will be an outlet for those who are not ready to talk and the beginning process to their healing . |
I went and took a shower to calm my nerves . I was in the bath dozing off when I heard a knock on the door . I wasn 't expecting anyone and had no clue that would come over unannounced . I looked out the peephole and didn 't see anyone . Maybe it wasn 't my door . I was about to walk away when the knocking came again . That was definitely my door . I looked out the peephole right into the face of a woman . I didn 't recognize … wait ! She was the woman outside that morning in the black car . I recognized her profile . She was dark skin , slim , and she wasn 't someone I knew . She knocked again . I cracked the door slightly . " Yes , can I help you ? " She pushed in the door with so much force I stumbled back on the floor . My robe flew open and I was totally exposed to this stranger . I quickly grabbed the tie to my robe and tied it closed . I don 't think she even noticed . She was angry about something but I didn 't even know who the heck she was . " I 'm sorry but who are you , " I said defensively . " You got a lot of nerve bitch ! Who the hell do you think you are ? " " Excuse me , " I said looking at her . This mad woman was in my house calling me a bitch ! " You don 't remember me ? " " No , I don 't even know you , " I said crossing my arms . " You don 't remember my voice on the phone ? " Wait . This is who called me that night from the telephone booth ? " Who are you and what do you want , " I said looking at the phone . I had made sure that my phone was in view at all times now . I also had my eye on the knife sitting on my kitchen counter . She charged towards me and grabbed me by the throat . " I 'm going to kill you , you fucking bitch ! You got my brother locked up in jail and now some muthafuckas done raped him ! " I tried to grab her hands around my throat but she flung me to the ground and jumped on top of me as I reached for the vase sitting on the floor . I was not going to let another person hurt me in my own damn home . I punched her in her face and she winced back . I hadn 't hit her hard but enough for her to take herSunshine Writer My phone rang . I didn 't recognize the number . Never knowing if it was a client , I always answered my phone . " Hello , this is Toni . " It was Officer Terry , Steve 's partner . " Hello Miss Brown . I was calling to give you some news we just received from the jail . " I held my breath . Please Lord don 't tell me that man was not getting out of jail . " There was an incident at the jail and Mr . Proctor was assaulted . " I smiled . Good for him . " Okay … " " We thought you would want to know . " " Thank you for letting me know . I know that 's not normal protocol . Wait , is he dead ? " Now I don 't wish death on anyone but if the crime fits … " Well no , but he wants to be . " " What do you mean by that ? " " He was gang raped . " I looked at the phone and then asked , " Are you serious ? " " Yes . He is in the ICU . Unfortunately child molesters and rapist tend to get the same treatment that got them locked up . They are in special units of the jail but when the doors are unlocked for a couple hours a day they sometimes become targets . " I couldn 't believe it . Some people would be happy about this but I wasn 't . No one deserved to be raped , especially gang raped not even my own rapist . He acted like such a manly man . He had to be suffering . Now he knew how it felt to be violated . That I was not sorry for . " Thank you for calling me . I appreciate it . " I put my cell back in my pocket and stared out the window for a few seconds . Sean put her hand over mine . " Are you okay ? You are shaking . " I hadn 't noticed . " Yes that was your brother 's partner . Quentin was gang raped in jail . " She sat up releasing my hand . " Well good for him . " That might be the normal response . " Really ? " " I 'm sorry . Men who rape sometimes get off in the court system . But in the jail system , they never get off . Someone always proves a lesson to guys like that in jail . They are considered punks in jail and before they know it , that 's what they become . I 've seen it over and over again . " I thought about it for a moment and shook my headPosted by We stood in the kitchen exchanging information . I needed to know as much about Diego not only for Jessica and my god daughters but for Denise as well . He didn 't tell me anything I didn 't know already but he did confirm that the guy I feared was dead was indeed dead but that Diego wasn 't the main suspect . He had several enemies and a couple were more attractive for the hit than Diego . That didn 't mean that Diego didn 't do it . My father announced that he was tired and my mom got up immediately to grab their things . My dad was a soldier but he knew his limits . He had survived colon and prostate cancer but of course with all other health issues , more issues came along . They said their goodbyes and that left Steve , Sean , Jessica , and Diego . Fun times . Jessica and Diego were sitting on the couch . Steve was sitting in my chair , and Sean was sitting on the floor . I refreshed drinks but instead of soda , I gave the guys beer and the ladies wine . I was enjoying my little dinner party not only because of the Diego and Steve saga but because Sean was there catering to everyone as if she lived there , which eased up my work and Jessica was there having a good time . She didn 't get out much . Never did . She was a homebody . I turned on some neo soul and we had conversations among ourselves . The only ones who weren 't speaking to each other were Steve and Diego . Was I the only one who noticed that ? Jessica and Sean were talking about her girls . Steve and I were talking about the music I was playing . It was an up and coming artist , Ledisi . My father had bought her CD along with a few others when I bought my house . Diego joined in the conversation about Jessica 's girls . They laughed together about something the girls had done over the weekend . I was the godmother to Jessica 's girls but I hadn 't spent time with them since a week before my … accident . I missed them . I felt a little jealous that Diego was sharing in their lives . He seemed to be really animated when he talked about them . That thought made me nervous . He wSteve excused himself twenty minutes later and it was Sean and I alone again . We cleaned up the kitchen and I heard scratching noises at the window . I ran over to the window to let Sammy in . Fat cat jumped down to the floor and meowed . Milk time ! We couldn 't do anything but laugh as he sat down and waited nicely for me to pour him some milk . Spoiled rotten . We sat down and listened to some jazz this time and drank a bottle of wine . " I guess I should be leaving . It 's late , " she said yawning . " Do you work tomorrow , " I asked . " I 'm off for a week . " " No , I 'm off for the weekend , " she said yawning again . " How far away do you live ? " " Well I guess I 'll drop Sammy off and stay at my moms . I live in South Park . " " Oh nice . Paramedics make good money huh ? " " Yea right . I got a hook up kinda . " " Oh really . Old girlfriend , " I teased . " Actually my parents owned it . My mom can 't stay in both places and my brother likes apartment life , so that left me or sell it . " " Good deal . " " Yea it 's a nice spot . Little house but big enough for little old me . " I laughed . " Well you could stay here if you want . I wouldn 't mind the company . " She sat up straight . " Really ? I would like that ! " She grabbed her cell out her pocket . " Dammit , I forgot to charge my phone . It 's dead . " " You can use mine . " I handed her the cordless . I leaned back as she checked on her mom and promised to bring Sammy by in the morning . " He 's okay mom . We might have to lock that cat door at night so our little guy doesn 't get really lost . " They spoke for a few moments and then she hung up the phone smiling . " She okay ? " " Yea my brother is there . " " Oh that 's good . You guys really take care of your mom . That 's nice to see these days . " " He 's a momma 's boy still , " she joked . " Then she has two momma 's boys , " I teased . She laughed so hard tears came to her eyes . We talked about her brother a bit and how they both decided to go in their respective careers . Their father , though a decent providePosted by Stephanie and I left the house about 12 : 45 and I could tell she was nervous . From what I could tell from her file , she hadn 't seen him since they had been picked up at his cousin 's house where they had been found . We arrived at the mall a few minutes after one and headed straight to the food court . Since the court was so big , we agreed to meet in front of the Showmars . I saw Denise approaching and Stephanie must have saw Scott because she ran towards a good looking boy that was pointing at her . Young love . I let her be . I already told her not to go outside the food court without telling me . I kept an eye on her while looking for Sean . I saw Sean approaching from the street entrance . She was wearing a pair of jeans and a black button down shirt . Her hair was back in a ponytail and she had earrings on that I hadn 't noticed before . She walked up to me and gave me a hug I hadn 't expected . I felt my face get warm . Denise was watching and smiling . " Hi Sean , this is Denise , " I said putting my hand on Denise 's shoulder . " Hi , how are you young lady ? " " I 'm good , " she said smiling at me still . Why was she looking at me like that ? We sat down at a table and we all looked from one to the other . " Well this is fun , " Denise commented . " I 'm waiting for you , " Sean said . " What 's going on ? " I decided before I got there to let Sean handle this one . I still didn 't know how to handle all that was going on between her and I . I knew something was there but I didn 't know what exactly . I sat back and listened . They talked about a girl that Denise had met and thought was really " hot . " Sean and her laughed and talked like old buddies . Sean asked her if she ever had a boyfriend . Denise had told her once but that she was only with him because a girl she didn 't like wanted him . Soon as the girl wasn 't interested anymore , she dumped him . They laughed at that . I had to too . I had done that before myself in high school . They were having a good conversation while I was keeping an eye on Stephanie . I saw themPosted by Monday morning came sooner than usual for me . I didn 't like getting new clients because that meant the child had suffered some kind of trauma in their lives . However , I wouldn 't have chosen this career to not get any work . I was hear to help my clients . So I arrived at the office early to read over the client file . Stephanie . Age 17 . Lost her virginity to rape at 12 by two neighborhood boys . She was also abused physically by her father . The father was in counseling . Her rapist disappeared after her parents confronted the boy 's parents . The last incident with her father was the most recent . This was going to be a difficult one . I read through all the notes . Stephanie 's mother didn 't leave the father after the details of the abuse came out . Stephanie had been seeing a boy older than her and he was in the house when the father got home . Stephanie told the police that she hadn 't had sex with the boy " yet " and her father came in and ran the guy outside . The father went back in her room while she was half dressed and made her take her clothes off . He told her to lay down on the bed and he touched her breast . He then asked her what she was going to do with a boy that size and then put his fingers between her legs touching her private part . He then said to her , " you don 't even have a smell yet . " I wasn 't quite sure what that meant but that 's what Stephanie had in her report . He then made her lay back down and he took his penis out and put it on her . Then he put the head of his penis on her private part . When she started asking why he was doing that to her and crying he stopped , pulled up his pants , and left her in the room humiliated and confused . This happened when she was 14 . The last incident by her father happened as a result of what Stephanie reported as a lie spread by someone in school she didn 't like . The girl she didn 't like had written her phone number on the boy 's bathroom wall . She wasn 't allowed to have boys calling her at home . Boys started calling her house phone asking forPosted by I unlocked my apartment door and for some reason I looked inside first . I didn 't see anything unusual . I guess I was still spooked about the calls the other day . After talking to Officer Moses , I decided to go home instead of back to my parent house . No one out of the ordinary had used the telephone booth after I received the last call so the Officer Moses thought it was just a prank caller . I hoped so . I took my clothes off and put on my pajamas . I would take a shower later . I just wanted to sit down . I turned the television on and let the television watch me as I thought about Jessica and Diego . Diego was definitely a nice looking man . I 'm sure he was taking care of her financially . That 's the kind of man he was . He could definitely afford it . I wonder how they met ? Car dealer ! Ha ! Jessica 's heart was fragile . She had been hurt way too many times . Now that she knew the risks , her heart would be even more vested . That 's the way her heart worked . It didn 't listen to instincts . It only listened to the conscious that kept whispering in her ear to do it no matter what your instincts say . Like the devil and the angel in the movies that sit on each shoulder . The angel tried to sympathize and help you make the right safe decision . Then you had the devil , contradicting everything the angel said and made you see the benefits in taking risks and possibly heartache just for a few moments of short - term pleasure and satisfaction . My thoughts were interrupted by a scratching sound and smiled . Walking over to the window , I opened the curtains to see my friend , fat cat . This time he had a tag on him . I looked at the tag - Sammy . His name was Sammy . It fit him perfectly . I opened the window to greet my little friend . He must have went missing enough times for his owner to put a tag on him . He lived down the block . Not too far away . At least I knew now where he was from . Fat cat went to the kitchen again in search of milk . I had left his bowl on the floor and I poured fresh milk in it . He drank like a kid in a candy stor " Oh please come in for a moment . Would you like some tea , " she asked walking towards the back of the house . For some reason I decided to follow . There were pictures on the wall of her and a man . I figured the man was her husband . Handsome guy . He looked familiar . " My husband passed away two years ago , " she said reading my thoughts . " Do you like herbal , green , or regular tea ? " " Green tea is fine . " I sat down at the table . The kitchen was huge with an island in the front . I had always liked that feature . As I looked around , Sammy jumped in my lap . I rubbed him and he resumed his purring routine . She brought me over a hot glass of tea and sat down across from me . " Thank you again for bringing him home , " she said looking down at Sammy . " He is such a sweet cat , " I praised . We sat and talked for what seemed an hour . I got up to leave and she asked me my name . We had been talking this long and we hadn 't even introduced ourselves . I apologized and told her my name . " Toni . That fits you . My name is Regina Moses . " I looked at her . I was full of coincidences today . It couldn 't be . " Do you have twins ? " Her face lit up . " Yes I do ! How did you know that ? " I laughed . Well I 'll be damned . " I know your son and daughter I believe . " " Oh wonderful ! Sean and Steve are actually on their way ! " As she said it , I heard the front door open . I whirled around and saw Sean heading my way . Well I 'll be doubled damn . Sean stopped in her tracks when she saw me . I suddenly felt conscious standing in her mother 's kitchen in my pajamas . I had even forgotten that I had them on . I felt like an idiot . A smile started forming on Sean 's face as she approached . I just looked at her . " What are you doing here ? " I put my head down . " I brought Sammy home . I had no idea … " " Wow that tag actually was a good idea , " she said looking around to her mother . Her mother clapped her hands . " It sure was ! Where is Steve ? " " He is grabbing the groceries . Care to stay for dinner Toni , " she asked me . " Oh I couldn ' Posted by Quentin wasn 't going to get away with what he did to me like a lot of rapist do because of technicalities . I had to think positive . He was sinking his own ship and that was going to work in the publics favor including mine . He would never be able to hurt another woman . I was going to see to it . Officer Moses and Terry were doing there job and doing it well . Another thing on my side is that they caught him in the act , per say , so that helped my case even more . " He isn 't going to walk , " they assured me . " Thank you . " They excused themselves and left the precinct . Now what ? Just as I was about to leave , I walked right into Sean literally . " Hi , " she said grabbing me so I didn 't fall . " Oh , hi . " She released my arms and I stepped back . She had her hair out of the usual ponytail and was wearing her uniform . She looked very attractive as always . " One of the officers had a heart attack but the other van took him to the hospital . " " Oh okay . " " I 'm about to get off . " " Okay . " I didn 't know what to say . Why did I feel so awkward around this woman ? Maybe because she had seen me in my most vulnerable state . Maybe because she was so nice to me . Maybe because she showed genuine interest after the … Maybe crap ! I had no clue why I felt so damn nervous . " I was going to call you later and check on you . Is everything okay ? " " Yes , I came down here to get an update on the letter that was sent . " " Oh right . Was it taken care of , " she asked concerned again . " Yes , they did . He can 't write anyone now . " That 's good she said folding her arms . " And how has your morning been ? " " Fine . I took a client to breakfast . " I started to relax . She was very easy to talk to . " I was about to get something to eat across the street . Want to join me ? Do you have something to do ? You have time ? " " I um … I was just going to go home … nothing else to do . I just ate though so maybe some other time , " I said shrugging my shoulders . " Okay that 's cool . " I turned around to leave . I really didn 't know what II walked Sean back to her car and she promised to call me later . I was actually looking forward to it . She was so easy to talk to and I trusted her . She wasn 't a man , which I didn 't want to be around right now besides my father and she wasn 't my family or Jessica treating me like a wounded bird . I needed to do something productive , so I called the office and asked them to send my caseload to my house . Brittany , my Director tried to talk me out of it , requesting that I take more time but I told her that the more time I took , the angrier I would become . She agreed to let my pending cases get delivered to me but that was it . That pending status included Denise . They had found her at her mothers as I expected them to . She had been missing her mother terribly and kept fighting at school anytime someone mentioned her mother 's recent news report . Her mother , Vivian Thompson , had robbed a liquor store a few blocks from there which was the latest mark on her record that kept Denise from being returned home . She had almost gotten away with it until her on again off again boyfriend got mad at her and told one of his in between girlfriends who ratted her out . She had gotten away with five thousand dollars and was facing felony charges . Denise was not going home anytime soon . Denise 's father , Diego Vargas , had gotten her out on bail . Denise 's father was a well known drug dealer . Poor Denise , she was screwed both ways . She would be my priority . I got up from the couch and noticed that Jessica had cooked me breakfast . My body was still aching but the pain was less . I got up slowly and steadied myself . Jessica must have stepped out for a second . She wouldn 't have gone far without waking me to tell me . I went to the bathroom and stopped before entering . I looked around as if I was expecting someone . No one was there . I stepped in and looked in the mirror . I couldn 't believe how horrible I looked . Actually I could , because I always looked how I felt . Some people could pull of looking amazing while they are feeling terrible inside . I was not one of those people . My skin was pale . My hair was limp . My face had a few faint bruises on it . I took my mothers nightgown off and stood naked in front of the mirror . I could see the bruises on my body and a few scratches . I saw the needle marks on my forearm where the IVs haI pulled myself together , wrapping my robe around me . I had air dried already so I went to the hall closet and grabbed my cell phone out my sweater . I hadn 't turned it on since … since I was raped . I was a rape victim . I shuttered at what was yet to come . Court , testimony , counseling , sentencing , healing … the list would go on . I thought of Denise again . I promised myself that I would accomplish something each day . I went back to the couch and opened Denise 's thick file . I started reading the police report that was placed when they took her from her mother again . Denise had put up a fight , biting one of the officers . Vivian had jumped on the other officers back . It had been a circus and the local news had caught it all on tape . Another embarrassing moment for Denise . I dialed the youth detention center that they had taken Denise the night they found her . She wasn 't going back to foster care anytime soon . This last incident confirmed that . She would just run away again . " Hello Karen . This is Toni Brown . How are you ? " " I am fine Toni . How are you feeling ? " She never asked me that before but then again I hadn 't been a victim of a crime before this . " I am okay , " avoiding a long explanation . " I was calling to check on one of my clients , Denise Thompson . " " Oh yes . Denise is not doing so well . She heard about your attack and is very angry that no one would let her call you . She kept asking for your number and no one would give it to her . " I sighed . My phone had been off for over a week now and I hadn 't even checked my voicemail . If she had called she probably had left several messages . " Is she available for me to speak to her , " I asked already knowing the answer . " You know she can 't have calls during her probation period . " " I know but it is very important that she talks to someone and I would prefer that person to be me . " I heard Karen breathing . Then the phone was set down with a thump as if it had been dropped . A few minutes later I heard footsteps and then Denise 's voice . " Hello , " I heard Denise say impatiently . " Hi Denise , this is Toni . " " Oh my god , Miss Brown ! I 've been so worried about you . Are you okay ? How are you feeling ? Is that dick in jail ? I can get my daddy to kill him for you ! Just say the word ! " I laughed because I knew she was serious . " No Denise . He is locked up and he will not be getting out anytime soon . I am better . Taking it one day at a time . I heard that you were concerned about me . I was concerned about you and truthfully I missed your jokes . " I smiled at the memory of our last visit . I had picked her up from school and some boy kept trying to talk to her . She had talked about him all the way home - from his " whack ass Mohawk " to his " red busted up shoes . " I remember those days . Denise was kind of a bully . She was always fighting boys at her school and the girls stayed out of her way unless they were in her click . She hung out with a lot of hard looking girls . At one point , I thought that maybe they were gay . I hadn 't asked though . That was the least of her problems . We talked for a few moments longer before Karen interrupted us . " The witch said I can 't talk to you no more . Can you come see me ? " " Denise , be respectful , " I encouraged . " I will come visit you as soon as I 'm able . " " Don 't forget what I said . My daddy is a block away ! " I laughed again . Denise , despite her tough demeanor and quick temper , had become my favorite client . I had her case off and on for four years and soon she would age out of the system . I was hoping I could help her get on the right road before then . So many kids age out of the system and you don 't hear anything but negative things about them . Very few actually make it , but it took good support systems to make that possible . Denise didn 't have a support system . I vowed to be that single force . The day that I was being released , Vaughn came to pick me up . I thanked him for the lilies but in my mind I knew it was the worst attempt at an apology . Flowers died so did love . I donated them to the cancer wing of the hospital . Jessica and I had discussed her picking me up but at the last minute Vaughn called and asked for the " honors " and even though I wasn 't ready to face him , I knew he had been waiting patiently to see me . He signed all the necessary paperwork for my release and then the officer assigned to my room wheeled me out to wait for Vaughn to drive up and get me . As Vaughn helped me in the car , I felt my stitches stretch . I had been told to stay on bed rest once I got home . That bastard had torn my skin at the entry to my anal area and I had to have five stitches . It was not a comfortable feeling having your ass stitched . Nothing about this whole ordeal was comfortable . I had overheard Jessica and my mother talking about why Vaughn was the last one getting to the hospital . He had been out with another woman with his cell off . I wondered for a moment if it was the same woman he had canceled our dates for before . Or was this a new conquest for him ? One of my clients had told me that they saw Vaughn in my car with a woman . I had questioned him about it , but of course he gave me some lame excuse that it was one of his clients . Vaughn was a tattoo artist and clothing designer . He was artistic and very good at what he did . He was one of the best . He was around women all the time . He was good looking and knew how to say the right things . He had gotten me , hadn 't he ? Once I realized I was getting played , I was too embarrassed to just give up . I had invested a lot in us . He swore that whoever was telling me stuff was just hating and jealous . I didn 't keep people in my circle like that , but by the time he finished talking and romancing me , my head was so far in the clouds I never stayed mad long . I wasn 't one to be made a fool of but so long . Once I heard more than once that he was cheating on me from " First I want to tell you that what happened to me was not your fault . Obviously Quentin had been watching me for some time . He was just waiting for an opportunity to approach me . " Officer Moses informed me before I left the hospital that Quentin had been staying at a hotel a block away not his normal spot , at his mothers . When they searched his room , he had photos of me alone , with Vaughn , Jessica , at work and even getting undressed . Their was an empty condo directly across from me that he had set up to watch me . Mental note was made to invest in curtains and an alarm . " I know that you were with another woman the night that I was attacked . Who was she ? " He put his hands in his pocket . Classic sign of guilt for him . " It doesn 't matter . I can 't do this with you and I right now . I need time to myself to sort all this out , start healing , and get back to work . " I walked over to him and took his hand . I had to do this for closure . I wasn 't in love with him anymore . He had hurt me too many times . I had to let go right now . One less obstacle to conquer . " Toni , I am so sorry . I love you and care for you . I want to help you through this if you let me . " I turned away from him . I couldn 't allow that . Not now anyway . " I 'm sorry , but I cant accept your help . Where were you when it happened ? Where were you when Jessica was trying to reach you ? Where were you when I went into surgery ? You didn 't care about me then . You are selfish ! Always have been and I don 't want you here right now . I might not ever want you here again . " I went to my front door and opened it . " I need you to leave , " I said stepping away from the door so he could pass through it possibly for the last time . He stopped close to me . I didn 't look into his eyes . I don 't want to see anymore . " I am sorry . Please call me if you need anything . I promise to be there when you call . " He walked through the door as I shut it . I cried for what seemed forever until I heard a soft knocking . It was Jessica . I opened the door and fell into hePosted by I awakened again to see my mother in the corner praying . My mother has always been a religious woman . She wasn 't insane with it but she completely had faith in her God . I wasn 't so convinced most times . Right now I knew I needed prayer . I could hear the doctors talking to my father and Jessica . I couldn 't make out what they were saying . I didn 't want to know . I knew what had happened to me . I felt the injuries . They must have given me something for pain because the pain was dull but still there reaching out . My mother saw me looking at her and came to my side . My mother was shorter than me by a few inches with green beautiful eyes , fair skin , and naturally long curly hair . Her eyes always revealed her emotions . She looked at me , taking my hand and kissing them . She didn 't say anything . For the first time , she didn 't say anything . Tears came to her eyes and I looked away . Not now . Please don 't cry . I can 't cry anymore . Anger started to rise in me and I spoke so loud everyone turned around to look at me , even the nurses in the hallway . " Where is he , " I yelled . " Where is he ? " I tried to sit up as my mother tried to calm me . Jessica ran over to my left side and grabbed my free hand . " Toni honey . Please calm down . Lay down please . Please lay down , " she said softly pleading with me . I felt her hand on my hair and I flinched . I wanted to cut my hair off . He had used my hair to restrain me . I hated it . She pulled her hand away and took my face in her small hands . She looked me in my eyes and told me she loved me . She told me that he had been arrested and was being held until the mornings bail hearing . He wasn 't going anywhere . Charges were already piling up against him including sodomy , rape , attempted murder , assault on an officer , and the list went on . I started to breathe slower , easier . I laid back down . My mother stepped towards me but hesitated . I touched her arm and she came closer , hugging me . My father joined her , hugging me gently . Jessica stepped back to compose herself . I saw herSunshine Writer Through the book I am writing I hope to help others begin their journey to becoming who they have the potential to be . I hope that readers will be able to relate to some of the characters and will take the journey with them to helping themselves . More importantly , I hope that this book will be an outlet for those who are not ready to talk and the beginning process to their healing . |
He decided to try and find shelter for the night and begin his journey at sun rise , the next morning . He took a north - eastern direction and stayed as near to the top of the ridge as the terrain allowed . After hiking for about thirty minutes , he caught a whiff of an unmistakable odor : brewing moonshine . JT was exhausted and scared , but being born and raised in Eastern Kentucky he knew that there was nothing more dangerous than walking up on someone 's moonshine still , except maybe walking into someone 's marijuana patch . He froze for a moment : Maybe this still and the cave he had been tied up in were somehow related . He figured if the revenuers or the sheriff came looking for the owner they would need a place to hide and that cave was perfect . He figured since the cave wasn 't at the still , but on the other side of the hill , so far away that the law wouldn 't go looking there for them there . This might be a way to find out who had killed his pa . JT turned and headed back to the top of the ridge , directly above the cave . Growing up in the mountains , he had done a lot of hunting and stalking . His dad had taught him how to leave signs , and he left one where he had first smelled the still and then left a mark on the hill above the cave . But now , he was right back where he started and the sun was quickly setting , leaving him with less than thirty minutes to find shelter for the night . He carefully made his way down the north - side of the hill . He had to be careful , because the hill was steep in places . The last thing he needed was a twisted ankle , but his slow decent cut into the precious little daylight he had left . It was difficult maneuvering over the steep slopes and more than once he nearly fell . He became a little over confident and while trying to get around a rock on a slick grassy spot he fell back onto his butt and slide quickly down the hill , barely missing rocks and trees on his way . It was only by sheer luck that he finally came to a stop against a fallen white oak . Carefully he checked himself for new injuries , but was grateful to find all he had hurt was his pride . When his nerves calmed down he stood up and examined the tree that had stopped his crazy slide down the slope . It had been a huge tree and the roots had been pulled up and out of the ground , probably during a storm earlier in the year . On the right side of the tree there was a small overhang that would make a perfect shelter for the night . Exhausted , he climbed over into his makeshift shelter and quickly passed out as the sun set . Closer to the bottom of the hill , the trees became less dense , the underbrush thicker , and the danger for copperheads greater . He took his time to watch where he stepped , because he knew that copperheads didn 't warn you like rattlesnakes . Intent in watching his footsteps as he moved through the dense fog , JT almost didn 't see the small creek before he stepped in it . He said a little prayer as he knelt down to the stream before him . He cleared the water of leaves and scooped up a handful of water . The cool water was the best tasting thing he could get past his chapped lips . He didn 't realize how dry his mouth and throat had been till he had taken the time to satisfy his thirst . It was the small things he was grateful for and looking down at his torn and bloodied pants made him shake with both anger and fear . Eventually he regained control and stood up to survey his surroundings . He noticed there was a road just a short way up the bank on the other side of the creek . A road meant people , and he realized he might yet find help . Not knowing the road he was now on , he started walking , in what he hoped was the direction heading towards Pine Hills . The shoulder of the road was covered in coal dust , leaving him to think of the many mines in the area . Anyone growing up near here knew all about the coal mine industry , which kept so many people employed . If this was a road to one of the many mines in the county , it would be well traveled , but it also meant the drivers of the coal trucks would be attempting to make as many runs as they could , since they were paid by the number of loads they made in a day . It wasn 't normally safe to be on the side of the road , never mind with the fog still in the air . Alerted to the danger , he listened for any sound that could be an approaching coal truck . He had seen too many cars destroyed by coal trucks to risk one running him over . The fog had at least lifted some , but not much over his head . He trudged along the side of the road . It felt like hours , but was probably closer to a half hour when the sun finally broke through the fog . It was like leaving a misty cloak behind as the sun warmed up the air and the bright light woke up the birds and animals . It was a sign of a new day , with the dark past turned to smoke and blown away . Shaken from his thoughts , he heard the roar a loud diesel engine , as it was up - shifted through it 's gears . Happy that the truck was headed towards Pill Hills , he quickly stepped away from the blacktop to not be hit , yet be seen , and stood waiting for the truck . When the truck appeared around the curve , he waved his arms to get the driver 's attention , hoping they would stop and give him a ride a little closer to Pine Hills . But instead of slowing down and stopping , the truck seemed to speed up and blew by , creating a mini - tornado of coal dust that swirled around him leaving his lungs full of coal dust and temporarily blinded . As usual , Dan was one of the first drivers at the mine this morning . Only Jack Rayburn had been inline ahead of him to be loaded . That was fine by him . Jack was a reackless driver and Dan preferred Jack ahead of him plowing the roads clear than pushing him from behind to drive faster than was safe . Just as he rounded a curve , he saw a boy on the side of the road , bent over and violently coughing . The way boy was waving his arms at him made Dan believe he in need of some help . Even though it was against company policy , Dan didn 't give a shit ; he own his truck and no company man was going to tell him what he could and couldn 't do with his property . This was still American as far as he was concerned , besides this boy looked about the same age as his own boy . He hoped someone would stop and help his son if he was hurt . Without giving it another thought , he hit his air horn and down - shifted while pumping the air brakes to a stop . He turned on his flashers and pulled the park brake . The air releasing from the brakes threw the dust from under the large coal truck into the kid 's face as he ran up to it . " You 're welcome kid . What wrong ? " Dan looked at the kid , sized him up , and then spit some Red Man chewing tobacco into a Mountain Dew bottle . " Sir , my dad was killed , I was kidnapped , and tied up for a few days , I think . I 'm not sure how long I was tied up , ' cause I was blindfolded , too . " JT stood on the running board and looked down at the passenger seat . It appeared to Dan that the past few days had been traumatic for the boy and his emotions were raw . He watched the boy 's body tremble , tears ran down his coal blackened face , leaving streaks where they washed away the dust . " Mister , I really need to get as close to Pine Hills as I can . I really don 't know where I am . " " Climb in , son . " Dan reached for his CB mic , but kept an eye on JT as he climbed into the cab of his truck . He had been driving coal trucks for nearly twenty years , and always stopped when he felt someone needed help . From the looks of this kid 's torn , blood covered clothes and his emotional state , he needed help . A lot of drivers wouldn 't stop if they ran upon a car wreck involving their own mother , but not Dan . He was proud that he put human life above that of the all mighty dollar . Bringing the mic back to his mouth , " Rocky Top , I have a fifteen - year old boy sitting next to me , who says his pa has been murdered , and that he has escaped from being kidnapped himself . Can you call the sheriff 's office or the atate police and have them send someone to meet him at the Quick Stop , in Ison ? Over " Dan placed the mic back in it 's holder and laid his hand on JT 's shoulder . " It 's going to be okay , son . I 'll get you to the law and they can take care of you . " After twenty seconds of static , " Copy , Ridge Runner , they say the whole shooting match will be there waiting or be there shortly after you arrive . They also wanted me to tell you they want you to stay there as well . They have some questions for you , too . " Once they arrived at the Quick Stop , he barely registered all the vehicles at the store . He heard the police state they needed to talk to Dan , as he was whisked into an ambulance and taken to the hospital . After the EMT had him secured on the gurney and measured his vitals , he reflected on the little time spent with the truck driver . Although JT didn 't even know the man 's name , nor could he tell anyone what all the driver had said , just from the man 's personality and the tone he used , he felt the guy had a kind soul and would never forget him . When they arrived at the McCray 's residence , two deputies entered through the back of the house while the other deputy followed Detective Fleming to the front door , which they found wide open . The detective stopped the deputy from entering and had him radio the other two to hold their position and to stop anyone from escaping . The detective pulled out his cell phone to call headquarters and have a crime scene unit sent to the home , but didn 't have a signal . The first thing he saw were bloody footprints that led to the corpse of a male , approximately forty - five to fifty - five years old lying in a pool of blood . He drew his weapon . Something in his periphery vision caught his attention , and when he turned to his right he almost lost his breakfast . In front of the fire place laid the body of a woman . He quickly , but carefully made his way to the phone on a table by the stairs . He called headquarters and advised them of the double homicide . Most law enforcement officers had been taught that most murders are committed by someone the victims know , so he also asked them to call Detective Jones and let him know that the kid he was with was a possible suspect . He also requested that the State Crime Scene Unit roll to his location ASAP . He was told to stand - by the McCay 's phone and wait for further instructions . Before hanging - up he said , " Wait , I haven 't done a search of the house yet , for more victims or perpetrators . " He was told to carefully do a search , and not to desturb any evidence . Then rope off the crime scene . There was an unusual lull that morning which left the waiting room nearly empty , so when the ambulance arrived , JT was rolled into the first available examination room . A nurse took notes as she copied the vitals taken from the EMT . Into the chaos Detective Jones soon followed , staying just out of the medical personnel 's way , and waited by the door . A doctor came in moments later , checked the notes on the chart and began doing his own exam . " His eyes are dilated . Not sure if it is from a concussion or a side effect of his dehydration . I want him taken immediately for a cat scan of his head . " Doctor Gibson checked over the bruises on JT 's chest . " I want an x - ray of his ribs as well . I don 't like that bruising and want to make sure nothing is broken . " JT sat in silence just trying to keep himself from falling apart . The doctors and nurses seemed to be nice , but he was alone and wanted someone to comfort him . He knew if his father had been alive and he had said that , he would have been beaten . He rolled onto his side and closed his eyes for a moment when he heard someone cough . He opened his eyes to see a cop walk up to Doctor Gibson . " Just a moment , Doctor . " Detective Jones held his hand out , preventing an ordely from entering the room with a wheel chair for JT . " Can 't you have a mobile unit brought in here the x - rays ? " Doctor Gibson looked at JT and then back to the detective . " Sure , but why wouldn 't we send him down to have them run ? Besides , it 's impossible to have a cat scan administered in here . He 'll have to be taken to the radiology department . " " What ? You think I killed my pa ? " he exclaimed , shocked at the turn of events . " Have . . . Have you contacted my ma , yet ? Tell her I 'm here at the hospital , and I 'm scared . " The emotional dam he had been holding in check since the cave was beginning to crumble . " Sit tight and don 't try to go anywhere without me . For the time being , wherever you go , I have to accompany you . Are we clear ? " In answer , JT raised his left arm and the cuffs clanged againt the arm rest and could feel the crooked smile on his face . As he looked up at Detective Jones he watched the man smile in return , nod , and for a moment he thought the detective was going to speak . Instead he waved to the doctor , pulled out his cell , and left the room . JT relaxed , grateful in the knowledge that someone was being called to help him . I was at a lost for words . I tied to remember if leukemia was cancer or not , but at that moment , not much was happening in my head . It was like my brain had completely shut down . I sat there and stared at dad . ' Damn . Leukemia ? ' For a moment the whole world just didn 't make sense . I was bruising and out of breath , but what did that mean ? Then my brain kicked in long enough for me to realize something . Leukemia is cancer . What did I do to deserve cancer ? My mind repeated it until I wanted to stand up and scream . The next thing I knew , my gaze fell on Joey 's tear - streaked face . I didn 't know what to expect , but what I saw was chiseled determination and his eyes were full of love and devotion . I squeezed his hand and smiled . He might have been my boyfriend , but there was someone else I had counted on for so long and I knew I would need the love and support of Roger too . It hurt to see the amount of love he had in his eyes . I had hoped for his friendship and support , but what I found was so much more . Roger was more than my best friend , he had become a brother and my confident . There was no one in the world I trusted more than the two guys who now sat squeezing my hands . Roger and Joey were my friends , my support team , and my fellow musketeers . With them at my side I was ready to face whatever else life had in store for me . Dad squeezed our hands and smiled . Though tears were flowing from him like the rest of us , you could never tell it from his voice . It possessed a quality I had never heard before , calm and controlled , but still laced with so much concern . It allowed me to slowly accept the painful information he would tell us . Dad spent the next two hours explaining what leukemia is , what it can do to a person 's body , and the methods used to beat it . He answered every question either of us had , as best he could , given his new knowledge on the subject . It seems Dad had spent quite some time Friday afternoon on the phone with Doctor Karthik , having all his questions answered . It 's a cancer of the white blood cells . Seems my little white blood cells are continuously multiliplying immaturely and are overproduced in my bone marrow . ALL causes damage and death by crowding out normal cells in the bone marrow , and by spreading to other organs . ALL is most common in children between the ages of two to five , and peaks again in old age . Lucky me to beat the statistics . This week I would have a bone marrow biopsy taken from my hip bone . If it showed conclusive proof of ALL , then I would have a lumbar puncture ( a spinal tap ) to tell if my spinal column or brain have been invaded by those stupid little immature white blood cells . I had always thought that white blood ceels were the good guys , protecting you from viruses , inflections , and other bad stuff , but mine appeared to be trying to kill me . If I did indeed have ALL , the game plan would be to have chemotherapy in three phases . The first phase was called remission induction where they would try and kill most of the bad cells rapidly until there were less than 5 % of those little bugger left in my bone marrow . Then came the consolidation or intensification phase . That 's when they would use high doses of chemotherapy to make sure they killed as many as they could of the bad cells left . The last phase was called maintenance therapy . The goal would be to kill any residual cell that wasn 't killed by the first two phases . By this time the bad cells are few , but they would cause a relapse if not taken out . " What ! ? No fuc . . . I mean , no way ! You KNOW how much I love playing . " I was in tears again . I could understand everything else I had been told and accepted it as part of getting better , but no baseball was like ripping my heart out . " Listen to me , Andy . It 's too dangerous . The chemotherapy will be physically exhausting and leave you with the tendency to bleed easily . You will most likely be nauseated and vomiting after the treatments , which can cause diarrhea or constipation , and if you don 't eat or drink enough , it could result in malnutrition and dehydration . You 'll probably will have rapid weight loss as well , in the beginning . " I sat there feeling numb as Dad explained how my life was going to change so much . I wanted to fight for something , something that would keep me normal . I glared in defiance but one look at him and the anger died . Dad squeezed my hands . " Son , your life is worth so much more than the game of baseball . Once all this is over and you 're back to 100 % , I 'll spend every dime I have to make sure you can play as much baseball as your heart desires , but our first priority here , YOUR first priority , must be your health . " This was a lot for my fifteen - year old mind to take in . I made a mental check - list of everything I had to deal with to beat this cancer . Bone marrow biopsy , check , I could handle that . Spinal tap , check , although I sensed that would be pretty painful , I figured I might be able to handle that too . Three to four years of chemotherapy , check , even if it was going to make me as sick as I 've ever been , I knew without a doubt being sick for a couple of years was better than dying . Hair loss , check , maybe I could start a new trend at school . No baseball , that cuts me to the quick , but as emotionally painful as not playing baseball for a couple of years , Dad was right . My first priority had to be my health , so in the end , I checked off baseball , too . However , maybe there was a way . " Yes , as often as you feel like it . I 'll make all the arrangements necessary with your principle for you to continue your school work , even if you have to miss a few days , here and there . " Dad 's face and tone of voice showed he knew I had come to terms with everything , and I had . " Okay , I offer a compromise on baseball . As you said , playing could be too dangerous , but what if I just helped the guys and the coach , so I could still be a part of the team . " I had an idea and I wanted to get it all out before anyone could interrrupt me . " I don 't mean to do anything at all physical . Maybe coach one of the bases during the games or just keep the score book . I want , no , I need to be in the game in one way or another . " Dad smiled and nodded , as he sat back in his chair . It appeared as if a great weight had been removed from his shoulders . " We 'll talk to your doctors and coach . If , and I mean IF , they all agree , I won 't prevent you from staying an inactive team member . And that , my boy , means no running , throwing , or batting until your doctors have released you from your physical restrictions . Agreed ? " With a smile so huge it almost hurt , I let go of Joey 's and Roger 's hands , stood , and wrapped my arms around dad in a warm embrace . " Okay . If you let me , I 'll beat this cancer on my terms , not it 's . " Judge Samuel A . Collins sat in his office after the three boys had left the room . He opened the bottom drawer of his desk and took out a hidden bottle of Jack Daniels , poured a double shot , and gulped it down . He had just placed the bottle back in the drawer when the phone rang . " No Sam , Roger told Alice they would be with Andy this afternoon . The reason I called is , a Detective Jones has been trying to find you and wants to talk to both you and Joey about a kid named JT . It appears the kid is in some kind of a bad situation . He wouldn 't explain more than that . And to be honest with you , I 'm not comfortable with him talking to Joey alone for whatever reason . " " That 's not like you , Sam . " There was a pause and when Steve spoke again his voice was soft , filled with concern . " What 's wrong ? " " Andy has leukemia . " Sam could hear the sudden intake of breath on the other end of the line . " I 've been trying to wrap my mind around the whole thing and I needed time to figure out how to tell the boys . I sat them down when they came home from school today . " " Surprisingly well , to be honest . But then again it shouldn 't surprise me . Andy , well , all three of them are bright boys . They peppered me with intelligent questions and showed remarkable maturity . The only thing Andy refused to do was to give up baseball altogether . I compromised and said he could help the team , but not as a player . " Steve felt a bit odd , and then there was a muffled laugh . He knew Sam was thinking of his son fighting to stay with the team . It gave him a chance to breathe as he realized Andy was going to fight . " Thank you from the bottom of my heart . You and Alice were there for us when Ellen died . I 'll never be able to repay you for all you two have done . " " Okay , let me call Detective Jones and find out what this is about . I 'll call you back as soon as I know why he wants to talk to Joey . Are you at home or still at work ? " " I just got in a few minutes ago and saw the message on the answering machine . I called him back and told him I would either call you or walk over to your house . He remembered me and Joey from the hospital , and that you and I are good friends . " " Bye . " Sam sat for a moment , collecting himself . He reached for his briefcase to grab his book where he kept the numbers for various people he needed to keep in contact with for work . However before Judge Collins could look up the detective 's number , the phone rang again . " God . What do you need detective ? Are you calling to have me sign a search warrant ? " Judge Collins picked up a pad and began to write down the information the detective had given him . It was an automatic habit . If there was a warrant or some other piece of law the detective needed , the more information he had the better it would be . " No , Sir . I 'm calling in regards to the McCray 's son , JT . His account of the events are , when he arrived home from the football game late Friday night , the electricity was off , and after entering the living room , he stumbled and fell over his father 's body . Then he was knocked unconscious , kidnapped , and held tied and blindfolded until Sunday afternoon in a cave . A truck driver found him this morning on Black Thunder Road , near Defeated Creek , " he paused . " Sir , the boy doesn 't appear to know that his mother has been murdered as well . I 'm inclined to believe him , but so far , he is the only suspect , at this time , at least until he 's cleared . When I asked him if there were anyone he wanted me to call that could possiblely be of some help , the only name he gave me was Joey Adams . " Judge Collins was surprised to hear JT had given Joey 's name . He knew the boys had settled their disagreement , but he had told them to keep their distance from the McCray family . Why would JT be giving Joey 's name as someone to offer help ? There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line and the Judge realized Detective Jones had something more to say . " Your Honor , " he began , his voice low but steady . " The information I 'm getting from Detective Fleming is that he 's going to push the State Attorney 's Office to have the boy charged with a double homicide , by tomorrow afternoon . I can 't speak to the evidence found at the scene , since I haven 't been there , but Judge , I don 't believe this boy is responsible . As of right now the boy has been taken into protective custody , mainly as a material witness , but that can change at any moment . The boy doesn 't have legal counsel . Nor do I have a reason to believe he can afford any . Sir , I hope I 'm not over - stepping here , but when he asked for the Adams boy , and knowing the relationship of your two families , well , I thought I should call you . " " Detective Jones , seeking the truth is never the wrong thing , nor is protecting the innocent , " Judge Collins paused trying to figure out exactly what Jones was asking for . Sometimes the best way to get an answer was to ask a direct question . " Are you formally requesting Joey Adams to come to the hospital and answer questions ? " " No , Sir , not at all . I 'm only informing a friend of JT 's that his parents have been murdered and that JT has been admitted to the hospital for observation , due to a possible concussion . And that JT 's friends are welcomed , at this time , to come and visit . " There was a soft click as Detective Jones hung up . Judge Collins sat back and reread his notes . Today was not shaping up to be a good day at all . He wanted this to pass , but his conscious wouldn 't let him . Determining the best of course of action would be to get to the truth of the relationship between JT and the boys . He walked to the foot of the stairs and shouted up , " Boys , would you come down here , please ? " We were sitting around trying not to talk about the bombshell Dad had delivered this afternoon . Joey kept hugging me and Roger was letting me win on Xbox . I knew they were trying to help , but it was driving me nuts . When Dad asked us to come down it was almost a relief . I jumped off the bed and ran to the door yelling , " We 're on our way , Dad ! " " Joey , I think he means JT . Yeah , we know him , if you mean a boy our age . He 's the one I got into a fight with that day for hitting Joey . " Joey and Roger both nodded they knew him . " Yeah , I know him , Uncle Sam , " Joey began . " But we have all worked out our differences , I think . In fact , we have been talking a lot about God and prayer during the last week or so . Why ? " " Boys , his parents have been murdered , and it appears that JT stumbled onto it and was kidnapped . " Dad raised his hand to hold off our questions until he was finished , " He got away somehow and was picked - up this morning by a truck driver who called the police . He 's been admitted to the hospital over - night for observation , because someone knocked him out with a blow to the back of the head . So there 's a possiblity of a concussion . I believe they are just playing it safe , " " Yes and no , Roger . He knows his father was murdered , but he doesn 't know his mother is also gone . Joey , the reason I asked you if you knew him is because he said you were the only person he knew , besides his mother that could help him . " " Of course , if Steve and Alice approves . I 'll call them before we go . I also have to make one other call , okay boys ? " We all nodded and left dad some privacy to make his calls . The three of us headed into the kitchen to raid the fridge . Joey and I sat at the table , while Roger grabbed three cans of Mountain Dew . Joey turned his hand over and intertwined our fingers . I looked down at our hands and back up to Joey . " Andy , I have a feeling we need to help JT . I don 't know how , but I have a strong feeling if we do , we 'll be helping ourselves too . " Joey leaned over and kissed me on the cheek . " Why don 't you and Roger stay here ? You 've had enough to deal with today , let me go and see what 's up . Then we can determine if we can be of any help . Okay ? " Then he turned on those puppy dog eyes and there was no way I could argue with him . I didn 't even try . A couple of minutes later , Roger stood in the doorway to my bedroom with a worried look on his face . " Andy , you 'd better come downstairs . There 's a detective at the door asking for you . " Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . Click that and you can email the author easily . Please take a few moments , if you liked the story , to say so . [ For those who use webmail , or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead : Please right click the author 's name . A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system ( Hotmail , Gmail , Yahoo etc ) . Each browser is subtly different , each Webmail system is different , or we 'd give fuller instructions here . 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September 1st , 2009 I awoke on Saturday , July 5th 2008 morning in my hotel room in Washington DC . My Birthday . 31 . As I was getting ready in the morning , I saw on the dresser beside my bed a happy birthday note from my girlfriend . I tore it from the notepad and stored it away in my suitcase . I went to her house and picked Mylene up for the days activities . I had already planned out the evening . But the day was basically open . She wanted to go to the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception . Facts about this temple from the wiki page include it being the largest Catholic church in the US , the eighth largest religious structure in the world , and even the tallest building in DC . There are 70 individual chapels within this one building . In my own words : it 's freaking huge . Me being not very religious , and definitely not Catholic , I was more interested in the idea of such as big ass building , seemingly inlaid with gold and various shiny things throughout . Ever nook and cranny seemingly has a little church , complete with altar , pews , and artwork on glass and or inlaid in the walls , floor , and ceiling . It is hard to convey the size of the main worship area , but this image gives a good example . Notice you can not see the ceiling . In the back above the pews is an enormous pipe organ . In front of the pews is a large ceremonial area I guess . To the left and right of the pews is a walkway , which connects to numerous other rooms that have their own chapel . Downstairs is the crypt . The crypt is a large area with walls covered in names of people who I assume passed away and paid to have their name put up there . In the crypt , there are also numerous small chapels , and then one really large chapel . In the back was another larger pipe organ . They were doing a ceremony in there so we did not walk around much . I created a Photosynth of the church . I suggest clicking on Grid view to get to different sections of the church , and then switch back to 3D view to navigate . Not all of the images meld together , so a full walk through can 't be completed , only due to that I did not take a picture of every single wall and area . But clicking the Grid view and choosing a new part , then 3D will give you another area to tour . There 's plenty of pictures of this place on my flickr you may enjoy if you 're into the church thing . We decided to go towards food while wasting some time until my evening plans . We got off the metro and went into the National Portrait Gallery . There 's paintings and photographs of American history and the people involved . Lots of famous paintings of each president here . July 28th , 2009 You absolute mother fuckers . I 'm pointing at you spammers , or spam bots or whatever . Gaining access to my website , ( actually my other website , whootah . com , I need to check this one out too ) and spyfully adding in hidden div 's and links and funky things to dvd movie downloads of all sorts of shit . Take a sneak peek at the back end area , and look carefully at the html coding to find the hidden messages . These have been there for weeks , and today I just noticed them . Now I have to go through each post and clean up this mess . Sigh . . You should check out your page code also if you have anything similar . Screenshots below . If you see any weird looking posts let me know as I may screw up some of the real code deleting the spam code . In other news . I 've started a while back using a content delivery network for some of the larger videos at my sites . Hopefully , you 've never noticed it but if you 've downloaded the 2 latest videos you probably actually got them from elsewhere . Enjoy the large download files and speeds . Eventually I 'll get all the large versions up . I 've also switched to using Vimeo for the streaming of video , and may switch that in house via the cdn also . Why Vimeo ? Less bullshit , more mature users , awesome looking page with customizations , ability to download the file , and the key thing is videos are not limited to 10 minutes . July 6th , 2009 Feeling pretty good , had my birthday blast party this past weekend at Chuck E . Cheese 's . Our local town had a fireworks show for me as well . Got my car inspected and running good last week , about over my sickness . I built myself a new computer for my birthday present . My business is doing good , if I can just continue to keep up with it . Armed with a new interest , we started to talk quite a bit . Luckily I already purchased an unlimited text message plan . We talked about how great a time we had before , that perhaps this could turn into something . But how exactly could that happen . It 's not like she was right down the road and we could go out . Not to mention , her family didn 't really want us to see each other anyway . While I was there , they grilled me on why I was in VA Beach , and just couldn 't believe that I came up there just to see Mylene . Their parting words were much more Nice to see you have a good life , than It was good to introduce you into the family hope to see you again . With growing frustrations by not only that , but other things going on , she looked at other options . She had some family in Florida she could stay with who were already wanting to meet me . She talked with them a bit about moving down there , as they didn 't have a problem with Mylene and I but I had to explain that Florida was much farther away than Virginia and that just wouldn 't work . Finally , she ended up moving in with some family in Maryland , just outside of Washington DC . Apparently my birthday was coming up and we decided that I 'd make the trip up to DC to meet her and the new family unit . I planned out some activities since I 'd be there during the July 4th celebration also . I started out at about 9am on the 3rd to a strange new land for me . I had been up to DC about 4 times in my life . Once in elementary school for a field trip . A few times for some training classes , and once with my friends for a weekend romp around town . I hate driving in traffic , and DC is no short amount of traffic . I broke out the GPS again and set it to her new home . 5 hours it said . Notable moments during the journey include driving down some interstate road that apparently goes right through some military base . On the side of the road are road signs that you can not stop there . I assume because you may be run over by a passing tank . I tried arranging with Mylene the meeting place and time , but she was way up in Baltimore visiting the aquarium . I pulled over at an armory guard thing and she finally asked if I could come up to Baltimore which would add another hour onto the trip according to GPS . I went on the way again , and as crossing the border from VA to MD I went over the Potomac River , and hence the Potomac River Bridge ( Also called Harry Nice Bridge ) which is the fucking scariest bridge I can ever remember driving over . You cant tell by this pic , but the bridge goes straight out over the water for like a mile , then straight up in the air for like 3 miles and straight back down again . Plus , it 's only 1 lane each way , and the big ass transfer trucks don 't mind flying down the narrow road at 70mph . Ok , maybe I 'm exaggerating a little , but I try to avoid this route from now on . On the Maryland side , traffic soon came to a stop . Not stop and go but stop . And this is the reason I hate traffic . I sat in traffic forever it seemed , and I could only watch the time of arrival on the GPS increase . I had no lunch , and was just so pissed off at everything I just wanted to get where i needed to go . Finally just after 3 : 30pm I get into Baltimore . Driving over the very large highway bridge horizoned the skyline which was pretty impressive , but that quickly faded once I realized it immediately threw me into downtown , and apparently rush hour traffic as I sat in front of the huge buildings in bumper to bumper 4 lane traffic that I needed to be on the opposite side of . Mylene was no help in telling me where she was , and I finally pulled into the first parking deck I could get to , gathered my GPS , and started walking . I waited on the sidewalk as her family drove around and spotted me . I got to say as much as Hi to them before they kicked her out of the car , left Mylene alone with me and drove off . Both of us in a new unknown city , and we were left to ourselves to enjoy . We decided to start walking back to where she had just left from , which was around the harbor area . We finally made it that general direction , after passing what seemed to be the red light district to the harbor . She had bought a sandwich for me during her lunch , kept it in her bag for like 3 hours and gave it to me to eat . So not only was it cold , but also smooshed , and it obviously didn 't start out as anything great to begin with . But I thanked her for her gesture and ate the majority of it . We wandered around a bit , but she already spent all day in this area and I didn 't know anything about where I was to suggest something to do . She wanted to go across the water to some big hill with a swing we could see in the distance . It was way to far to walk around , there were ferries for hire , but they were quite expensive . And I really just wanted to get back to where I thought I should be . By then , her family had already left Baltimore to go back home and said we could just meet them later . By this time it was nearly 5pm and I hadn 't even found my hotel yet . I ended up booking a hotel quite a way from where she was staying . All the reviews of hotels I read near her house were terrible . I didn 't feel like fearing for my life and belongings as the reviews said so I picked one across town . Not that her house was in a bad neighborhood . It 's more that I couldn 't seem to find any decent hotels at a decent price near her house . Besides , we were in Baltimore . My hotel was in the southern part of DC , in Alexandria . I was still very hungry and ready to be somewhere I was supposed to be . My original plan was to go into DC that evening to do some sight seeing . So , we drove back to find my hotel , checked in about 6 : 30pm and I finally got to relax for a bit . I hooked up my laptop , loaded Google Earth and did a search for some nearby restaurants . Found some sort of asian restaurant on there , and we took off again . Outside in the parking lot however , Mylene wanted to impress me with her new driving skills . My car had a vacant spot on one side , and another car on the other . She hoped in , as I stood safely outside the car , and proceeded to back out of the parking space . To which she confused the brake and gas pedal and slammed the gas down as she started to back out with a hard turn . The front end of the car whipped around as expected and I just knew a bunch of shit was about to happen . Somehow she whizzed the front of my car past the back of the side car without hitting it . I guess she realized what was going on and she stopped the car just before rear ending another set of cars . It was at this moment she learned the look of me being pissed the fuck off as she exited the car . I jumped in as she sat in the passenger seat and quietly entered our destination to the GPS . When we arrived the place looked like a dump so I continued driving and pulled into the first shopping center I could find to which was a treasure trove of international restaurants . I 've never seen so many nationality restaurants together , not to mention any restaurant ever of some of the nationalities . Japanese , Chinese , Mexican , Thai , Vietnam , Salvador … there were like 10 different ones . We looked into each one and finally decided on the Thai restaurant . To which ended up being I think the best one there , the food was good , although the service was lacking . I was also able to fulfill my several year long search for Thai Sweet Tea , that Mylene didn 't care for . After dinner , it was too late to go into town and do anything meaningful , so I just took her home . It was late like 10 or 11pm or something by this time , so I didn 't want to disturb everyone but Mylene insisted I come in . I don 't remember exactly who I met this first time , I think it was Vicky , Ruben , and grandma and grandpa , but it was a completely different welcome than the previous set . I sat on the couch and think I even napped for a bit as the day had turned out to be quite more hectic than I anticipated . They welcomed me into their home and tried to make me feel comfortable , despite me not being comfortable in a strangers home . We didn 't talk much , I wanted to head on back to the hotel as the next day would be even more hectic . The morning of July 4th , I woke up and went back to her house to pick her up . Met more of the family , and attempted to plan the day . I already knew I wanted to watch the fireworks over DC , but the rest of the day was up in the air . Since my hotel has a free shuttle to the metro , I figured it would be best to go back to the hotel , then catch the shuttle , then metro into town instead of trying to find somewhere to park . Once at the hotel , it was about lunch time so I decided to use the kitchenette included and impress her with my cooking skills . The previous night we found a grocery store in the same strip the restaurants were in so we went back there and picked up groceries . I cooked spaghetti , to which she was quite unimpressed since it wasn 't her sweet style spaghetti . After lunch , we headed out and waited for the shuttle for like 30 minutes . Finally it shows up and we were the only passengers all the way to the metro . It was way too far to walk . And I also learned that they have parking there as well . Oh well , the shuttle would be there to pick us up later . We purchase tickets and having already rode the metro quite a bit already she lead us into the city . We exited the station into a rain we did not expect . People were hiding under the metro shelter , smart ones brought umbrellas with them and walked around freely . She decides for us to go to the old post office building . Here we could go to the top of the bell tower and get a great view of the city widely regarded as the best in town . It wasn 't far so we started the journey in the on and off rain . Passing , some seemingly homeless looking guy was on the street corner selling umbrellas for 5 dollars . I wanted to buy some , but did not have change and didn 't want to take the chance of pulling out my wallet and the guy taking a $ 20 and running . I noted his position and we ran inside the post office . Inside , we took the elevator to the top , and got screamed at by the park ranger or whatever standing guard telling everyone not to touch the wires . The wires are in place of any fencing or window at the top to allow a free view , but also so you don 't throw yourself out the tower . Reading the reviews above , this is a normal occurrence to be screamed about the wires there . We then exited downstairs into the food court area . There were lots of people here , and needing change for the umbrella dude I stopped at Ben & Jerrys there to get some ice cream and change . To which I would never recommend doing as I stood in line for like 20 minutes and was completely ignored . I eventually exited the line and chose another place across the food court to which I was greeted with a smile and prompt service . With milkshake in hand and change , we set outside again . It had stopped raining by this time , and the guy selling umbrellas was gone . We walked towards the general direction we thought the July 4th festivities were going on . The streets were quite crowded , and everyone was walking the same direction so we followed and entered into a security checkpoint setup on the street . A guy behind us became very loud when the guards asked him what he had in his cooler . He opened it up and proudly exclaimed that he had crabs . And crabs he did , as they stunk like hell causing everyone in the general vicinity to gasp for clean air . Even the guards were quite amused that he was proud to tell everyone of his smelly ass crabs . The whole Mall area closed to vehicle traffic , and was filled with tents , vendors , and all sorts of things . There was some sort of international festival the Smithsonian was putting on that week also . By this time , they were all closing up shop so we didn 't get to see many of the activities in the festival . We continued walking towards the Washington Monument to hopefully get a good seat for the fireworks . It looked like the whole area ahead was a sea of people so we chose a nearby grassy knoll to settle down on . Without fancy accessories such as chairs or blankets , we sat on the grass and waited for the show . After some time , it became pretty clear that either night was coming early , or clouds were rolling in . Next thing we know a few sprinkles start , and then finally the whole downpour that had been saving up all day . We got absolutely soaked , and with no umbrella could do nothing but sit in it . But I dealt with it , and she with me , and just hoped that it would stop sometime relatively soon . No one else even noticed us , considering the canvas of umbrellas and contraptions the smart people brought with them was blocking their view of us . It eventually did stop and she attempted to use her small handkerchief to dry us both off . I pulled a deck of cards from my backpack , we played some simple card games , and I impressed her with my find your card in the shuffled deck magic trick . Drying off , we waited until the show began and the fireworks lit up the city lit sky . Having the backdrop to be the Washington Monument was a nice touch , but we were too far away from the main party location at the white house where they had live bands playing as background music to the fireworks as well . The show was nice , but can 't say that it was any extreme greater extravagent than the local shows seen around my home . I 'm not sure how far away we were from the shooting location , and perhaps that would change my judgement as some of them were quite huge , seemingly as tall or taller than the monument before us . After the fireworks , we headed back towards the capitol building along with the crowd to find a metro . It started to drizzle more , and people were breaking out the umbrellas . The walk back gave a good opportunity to capture the area with some night shots . The streets were still closed , and full of people . We were in the middle of a mass crowd all heading for the nearest metro . We figured after the fireworks we could stop somewhere for dinner , however there wasn 't anywhere obvious right on the mall for anywhere to eat , much less anywhere open . It started to rain in a pretty good downpour , but luckily we were close to a metro station . We thought . We kept walking following everyone else also thinking they were heading towards a station . We encounted a road block , where police were forcing people left or right , and informing us that the nearest metro station either way was several blocks away . We eventually found the station , and unluckily so did about 500 , 000 other people . The line stretched out into the street . You 're not even seeing all the people filling up the stairs underground in the 4th pic below , and the huge train station underneath the city . We joined a large group of people who huddled under a building 's overhang to escape the pouring rain . We decided to wait a bit to see if the rain would stop and the crowd to die down . It didn 't . We made the decision to continue walking to wherever the next station was . Mylene mapped out the course while I took some pictures . Eventually a security guard came from the building and kicked everyone out . By then , the rain had turned to a mist and our course was set . We started walking into the streets , and past the area where everyone was waiting for the metro the streets were empty . Eerily empty . We did find a few people gathering at a rolling grease pit , and decided to stop for a few hotdogs before continuing on the journey . The station was numerous blocks away and we got lost a couple of times . Mylene pulled out the map and walked down the street holding it out in front of us . Tourist trap disaster . The streets were empty , except for the very few lohe people just standing against random walls , or homeless people sleeping on the bench . I made her put the map away and we eventually did find the station . We walked right into the station , and right onto a train . The train however was absolutely full , but we managed to squeeze in . We stopped at several stations on our way back to the hotel where no one could get on because it was so full . At our final metro station stop , way outside of DC in Arlington , we exited with the few people left on the train . By this time it was 11pm , and a national holiday , and coincendently the causes of our shuttle not running from the metro back to the hotel . Not quite anticipating this , we decided on a cab . Outside this metro station was a drop off area for cars and buses , then the taxi line , and also car parking . The taxi line had about 10 cars in it and were rolling in and out as fast as people could hop in . We had to walk down the line about 5 cars to get an empty one that had not begun to pull out yet . We hopped in the back seat and I pulled out the hotel business card I always pick up upon registration for the address . This moment was actually my first cab ride , ever . The driver pulled out and I brought out the camera to take a pic of us . The green autofocus light lit up the entire car and I thought the driver was going to have a wreak from whipping around to see what it was . Luckily the hotel wasn 't too far , the fare was about 10 bucks , and I gave a few bucks tip also . We went back to the room to clean up , then had to go right back out again to take her the about 30 minute drive to her home . I 'm not sure what time I ever got to bed , but it had been quite an exciting July 4th . I was going to write up the whole DC trip in one posting , however this has turned out quite long , taken me like 2 weeks to write , and I 'm tired of seeing the same text over and over . I 'll stop the trip report here , and say Stay tuned for my continuation of the trip , featuring Tomorrow , July 5th , my birthday ! March 10th , 2009 It all started with a simple click . Do you want to meet her ? Yes or No . Well , hell ya , I clicked . There 's not much room for description , but her quick profile at hotornot . com was all I needed . Not long after that , she also agreed to ' meet ' me as well . With this match made between 2 random strangers , we were then able to communicate . It 's been 2 years now , from March of 2007 . My suave opening lines were : Hey , i see that we have a double match here , and wanted to say hi to introduce myself . My name is Phil , i am 29 years old . I live in North Carolina , USA . If you 'd like to chat i have yahoo messenger as radialmonster and my email is radial @ mindspring . com take care , hope you had a good weekend ! We chatted back and forth randomly when we 'd see each other online . Occasionally there would be an email . We 'd chat and I remember thinking that we had a few things in common and enjoyed chatting quite a bit . But what was the chances of anything actually happening ? I had been single for a few months and was looking for dates . With her being on the other side of the world , that wasn 't going to happen easily . Besides , she seemed really busy . She just had a kid . She hadn 't mentioned that in her profile . I 'm not sure if I would have clicked yes if she did . Days , weeks would go by sometimes between chats . And often then they were only as much as Hi , I 'm still around . There was even a period of several months gone by where I didn 't hear anything at all . I assumed she didn 't want to chat anymore . Or that she found a boyfriend . Meanwhile , I dated , or at least attempted some dates . I did have quite a few . But nothing ever turned out for the good in that regard . Some were just really bad . But I did meet some good people as well that at least provided good conversations to stave off the loneliness and still keep the good ones as friends today . She sent me a few of those forwarded emails . You know the type . Well , I don 't go for those , so I just assumed she had me on her group list and was sending them out to everyone , me included . I didn 't reply . Then in March of 08 , after over a year of our initial meet and greet , I get this : " How are you ? Hope you 're good , actually we might have a chance to see each other on April since ill be in Virginia to visit some relatives . Let me know if we can meet up " Hmm , well Ok I guess we can try to meet . I emailed her back and said sure we can meet up . She called me I think that same night to tell me about it . It was the first time I had ever spoken to her . She asked if I had married yet . I had chatted to her before about some of the dates I had gone on . I said no , not married , I didn 't even have a girlfriend . We began to chat again , about her upcoming trip , things she wants to do etc . We chatted quite a bit . My friends were used to me chatting on my cell phone when we hung out , and we started to chat quite a bit , everyone would laugh every few minutes when they heard the familiar ding sound of my receiving of a new text message . They knew her only as Philippine Girl . They knew that she was in the Philippines , and that we chatted a lot , but I didn 't tell them she was coming . My plan was actually that she would come to the states , I 'd pick her up and bring her to meet my friends and show her around . I 'd just come up to our usual Saturday hang out with her and say Hey , meet Philippine Girl . With them not knowing that she was even coming , all of a sudden this stranger from the other side of the world is right here . But , it did not turn out that way . Her family did not approve of us even meeting . Which is why I didn 't write anything about any of this , or her , here before . She had to convince them to even let me come up there and have lunch together . There was no way I would be able to bring her with me for a while and hang out , show her around here . All I knew is she had 1 month to be here , then she would be going home again . She had no friends here , so I wanted to be able to show her around the area during the short time we had . It looked more and more like we wouldn 't even get the chance to meet at all . She had found some people to hang out with where she was staying . And looked to me like she was doing quite a bit of that by the pictures she shared . So , I didn 't pursue it any longer . If she really wanted to meet , she 'd have to arrange it . My step - mom Marie had a birthday party on May 1 . We went out to the Carolina Ale House to meet up with some of her friends . I had already told Marie about this new girl , Mylene . Marie is also from the Philippines , and she has lots of Filipino friends that I 've met so that was a good common thing that I could talk to Mylene about . During the party at the ale house , Mylene called and I gave the phone to Marie . They chatted for a bit , and then we chatted as well . Apparently , Marie and Mylene were chatting about me , and whether we were going to get together or not . It would be nice to , I enjoyed talking to her , thought she was right attractive , but the logistics of it all just wasn 't adding up . She just didn 't seem that into me when we talked . After the party , I drove Marie home . It was already like 1 or so am at this point . Marie was still recovering from the nearly $ 200 bill at the ale house . We sat out in the driveway and talked . She kept asking me what I thought of Mylene and what were my plans . Well , I didn 't have any plans , didn 't look like we could meet . Besides , she has a kid back home , she 's met some people up in Virginia now that she seems to enjoy hanging out with , if not more , family doesn 't want us to meet etc etc . Apparently , Mylene had told Marie that she didn 't understand why I wasn 't " courting " her . Well , hmm . Seeing as how there 's no way we can just go on a date , perhaps that has a bit to do with it . I was interested , but how exactly would I " court " even though now she was closer , albeit like 300 miles away . Mylene called that night , yes that same night , like 2am while me and Marie were still out talking and I 'm listening to her drunken ramblings , and we talked , but this time with me knowing that she was interested in me . Later I find out that apparently I did something magical a few days before hand , on April 27 2008 , because that was when she started liking me . Now we had finally established that we liked each other and could perhaps move on the conversation . However , it looked as if the family was not going to allow anything more than talking on the phone . I tried to explain to her that although she may look it , she 's not 12 years old . However , she didn 't want to disrespect the family that was disrespecting her so it was all up to her what to do . In a few weeks she would be leaving the states to go back home anyway . The time came and passed for her scheduled leave . She ended up getting to stay longer than expected . She was excited to be able to stay , but felt trapped where she was . Due to the extended stay she lost her job back home . She could not work here due to her visa status . She was not allowed to go anywhere on her own , and was reliant on who she was staying with to provide money to send for her son back home . The family was even attempting to set her up on dates with other guys . Many a nights I listened to her cry about her situation , but there was nothing I could do about it , and nothing she wanted to do about it . I offered her to come stay with me as long as she wanted . I had plenty of room , and it would give us a chance to know each other and for me to show her the world here as I wanted to do all along . But that wasn 't going to happen . Talk was that perhaps she could come as long as Grandma could come stay too . Um … no . Perhaps on one of their trips into NC to visit more family we could meet somewhere for a supervised dinner . Perhaps I could do that for a first meet . But that didn 't even happen . Finally , by some chances and by much protest , we had a date setup for May 30 . I took Friday off work and drove up to Virginia Beach with my newly purchased GPS . We met at her aunt 's hair salon . I knew the deal . Aunt Julie was the first contact . If the aunt didn 't like me , the whole thing would be called off . Police in riot gear would probably show up and escort me out of the area . But apparently it was ok , after waiting like an hour for her to show up I finally get to see her for the first time . I think we shook hands or maybe just waved a hello from across the room , don 't really remember . We sat down in one of the offices for a while and talked . Decided to see if we could go down the shopping mall to get some lunch . Family said she could go , but had to be back in so many minutes . I broke out the camera , cuz you know I love pictures , and snapped this first shot of my lunch date . Decided she was much cuter than I had imagined and we had some lunch and sat by the window watching the cars go by . Throughout the talk , it didn 't take long for us to feel comfortable with each other . I was worried she was quite disappointed in me . Not sure , why , just my feeling . But it didn 't seem to take long from going to this first picture of us together onward to a closer one , to an even kinda clever one I thought . After lunch , she asked if we could go over to a very nearby park , Mount Trashmore . Exactly as it sounds , an old landfill turned park . That we did , and had a scheduled meeting time afterwards . I was amazed she was allowed to get in my car so we could whisk away . Since the park was right down the road , it was a short ride . We explored the park , walking from one side at the bottom to the top of the big trash heap . Hm , whats that in the distance ? Oh , a makeshift carnival . We walked closer and contemplated going to it , but ended up settling down on the hillside overlooking it and talked . Although I 'm not sure who talked more , us or her on the cell phone trying to convince someone new that she was still alive . We took pictures . By this point , I 've realized she enjoys pictures as much as I do . So we took lots of pictures . And it was all very comfortable and relaxing . And right . Besides , we weren 't sure when , or if we 'd see each other again . Either I would be deemed a psycho by family and a threat to society , or she wouldn 't like me and say thanks for meeting me but no thanks . So we made the best of it . It was more than a first date though . It was as if we 'd been dating for years , and we were just finally able to see each other again and needed to catch up on old times . Later , her family came back and brought some left over foods for us to eat for dinner . We setup a picnic table and had the foods . I wondered if the food was safe . It was getting dusk , and apparently she turns into a pumpkin or something and we had to part ways . We said our goodbyes , and I said goodbye to the family that would speak to me . Grandma would hardly look at me , even despite my attempts to wave good bye . I shacked up at a local hotel . The next day , since I wasn 't allowed to come to her house , we met at a local mall and we took off from there on another adventure . Mylene had been in the states for over a month now , within just a few miles of the ocean , and she had yet to go to the beach . So that was our first destination . Here 's Mylenes first US beach encounter . Since she can 't swim , and I wasn 't dressed or ready to swim we skipped that part . Instead we spent a bit of time just looking , and then went back to the boardwalk for a tour of the shops . It was past lunch time and I was pretty hungry . We went to that Italian restaurant that I always seem to end up at . Even though the food is mediocre , overpriced and they don 't even serve sweet tea . The enjoyment of Giovanni 's . Got back to the car and sat in the air condition for a while to talk and decide our next venture . We decided to go to the local botanical gardens that she had been at before . A 155 acre flower pot . Here , I broke out the video camera and my nicer Fuji . Mylene was happy to take charge of the visuals , which quite impressed me . We had a total of 4 cameras . We sat on the grass beside this creek thing , careful to not sit in some geese goop . We talked about how the days had gone by , and if everything seemed to be ok . Everything seemed just fine to me . That 's when she asked me why I 'm not her boyfriend . I don 't know , why aren 't I ? I 'm not exactly sure how the conversation went , but by the time we got up from our seating spot I had a new girlfriend . We continued our walk , and found ourselves surrounded by roses . This was the most roses I had ever seen in my life . Especially all in one place . Here 's one also of my favorite tree , the weeping willow . We found a hidden shack up in the trees . Like a tree house overlook thing . As we approached the steps , she instructed me to make a wish . I couldn 't figure out why exactly I needed to wish , but something about every time you reach a new set of stairs you wish for something . We made it through the kids section , and on into the desert section . We saw this tent and wanted to see if we could get over to it . There was a stream , and a bridge that looked like it was broken that went over it . Mylene jumped across the gap first . Then I was trying to figure out what do with my bag when some kid came up , got on the broken bridge , and used the ropes to move the wooden platform from one side to the other . We continued our tour and walked into a huge open area with trees and grass . The path split in two directions . We were trying to find the butterfly building , and the sign in the middle of the path said Left , Butterfly Building . But it also said Right , Butterfly Building . I asked her which way she wanted to go . She said straight through . So that we did , and trampled all along the nicely manicured grass through the tree farm . Found this artwork , and this guy is actually kinda scary . It was getting late and we had about worn ourselves out walking around . This metal butterfly was the best thing we could find . Oddly , the botanical gardens is RIGHT BESIDE the Norfolk International Airport . There is even a walkway to an overlook area . We contemplated that from here , one day soon , she would be leaving to go back to her home . By this time , although she didn 't know it , I was about ready to fall out . I don 't remember the temperature but I was getting right sick . Her family was already calling asking where we were . They wanted to meet to pick Mylene up and all I wanted to do was pass out in some cool air . We got back to the car and I took a few advil . I had already decided where I wanted to go eat the night before . A sushi place nearby that was reviewed by everyone I could find to be the best sushi in virginia beach . I took Mylene to their meeting spot at some other mall and they asked what I was going to do . I said I guess I would go get some dinner . They offered for us to eat together , but they wanted to eat somewhere nearby , like mcdonalds or sonic . I declined the offer and said I hardly eat fast food , and that I really already had my choice made and was in the mood for some good sushi . She suggested another place to go so I caved in and we all met at Sakura for dinner . On the way Mylene hit her head on my car door as she opened it . They half joked that it was a good thing they saw her do that , or they would have thought I did it to her . The dinner was ok , but I was expecting some knockout sushi and this sure wasn 't it . After dinner , I gave Mylene her present . She had mentioned to me that she used to play guitar back home and she would like to borrow one of mine while she was here so she could occupy some time . So I bought her a new acoustic guitar . They loaded it into their car , along with Mylene and took off . I went back to my hotel and passed out . The next morning they wanted me to join them at church . I 'm not a church going guy , but went anyway , mostly so I could see my new girlfriend again . Sorry , but apparently I didn 't take any pictures . So that was interesting itself . It 's a Catholic church , so stand up sit down kneel down stand up kneel sit kneel i had no idea what was going on . I grew up in southern baptist church where you sit and the only time you kneel is if you fall over from sleeping . After church we went to a Philippine cafe thing . Susan 's Kitchenette . You walked up and ordered what you wanted out of the display case . I didn 't know the names of this stuff , although I had seen it and had a lot of it before . So I left to Mylene to pick some good stuff for me . Afterwards , it was about my time to head back home . They offered me to join them on a trip to the gravesite where her husband is buried . I didn 't want to impose on such a journey , but they insisted it would be ok . At least it would give me more time with Mylene . It was on my way home also , but quite a bit farther from virginia beach than I realized before hand . Neither of us knew where we were going , and we struggled to find the cemetery in the points of interest on the gps . But we eventually did find it and get on the way . During the journey we thought about ditching them and going elsewhere , but the gps took care of that itself not being clear about the direction of one of the highways . Another mishap happened when Mylene attempted to clean her and my hands with my sanitizer and ended up spilling near the entire contents of the huge bottle into her lap . Luckily it dried quick , otherwise it would have looked like she pissed herself , or worse . After this , we parted ways . We blew kisses at each other and smiled knowingly . I had met a great girl , and I hoped that she felt the same . I don 't remember any other first date to be as great as this one , and really felt something special with her . In fact , by this point , I already knew I loved her . But the complications of so many things clouded it all . We would just have to see what would happen next . March 9th , 2009 For Valentines Day , my plan was to write a story to put up here about how my wife and I met and our story so far . Doing so required me to have all our pictures online at my flickr , which I have now done . I have also started writing the story , however it is way longer than just a few paragraphs . So , I shall be releasing the story in installments . Sort of backlogging . Anyway , stay tuned and will have the first chapter up soon . March 6th , 2009 unusualsalmon : Greetings ! I know this is hard to believe , but I 'm you - from the future . radialmonster : wat unusualsalmon : Your me from the future aren 't you ? radialmonster : I 'm you from the past radialmonster : Which is my now unusualsalmon : that 's not what your original post said unusualsalmon : ok so your me from the past unusualsalmon : soo … if I give you some lottery numbers , then I will be instantly rich radialmonster : No , you would have spent it all already unusualsalmon : oh radialmonster : you should be more careful next time . unusualsalmon : hmm . radialmonster : But at least you have a nice house to live in unusualsalmon : cool ! unusualsalmon : OMG where did this rolex come from ? It must have worked ! unusualsalmon : can you do me one thing back then to help me out now ? radialmonster : I can attempt unusualsalmon : cool … go fuck yourself radialmonster : and how would that help you now radialmonster : hm i think we have both been duped radialmonster : http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / TheGreatHatsby December 24th , 2008 If you 're in for a laugh check out my own whootafied song versions of Let it Snow , and Winter Wonderland . If you like to read , also check out my adventure tale of an unnamed kid in The Christmas Boss , and read about Christmas Beginnings . The town of Franklinton asked to use my photo 's of the 2008 Christmas Parade on their website . You can check out all the pictures I have for past Christmas stuff on flickr . Posted in General | No Comments » December 23rd , 2008 So I found a recipe for ' old fashioned tea cakes ' . My grandma used to make these and everyone loved them . I still have a few stored away . Yes , they 're 15 years old or something but they still at least smell as good as new ! Anyway , my attempt has twice now turned out marginally better than this guys : I started out very genuine with all the right ingredients from a recipe I found . Mixed all my stuff together and proceeded to cut out the cookies . But they weren 't nearly what grandma used to make . A second attempt didnt prove any more useful . Until finally I ended up making a new type of cookie from another recipe which did end up turning out great . You can see the adventure on my cookie making flickr set . |
By KC Perrin Summer - break was only two days old and Sophie was already bored out of her mind . What was a twenty - year - old girl to do all day out in the suburbs , living with her parents ? All year , she 'd live in the city , among friends ; but these two months of summer were lonely and dull . That one week in August when she 'd go on a trip with her friends seemed still far away . There was the couple across the street however . They had moved in last year while she was in college . They were the closest to her age by a far margin , somewhere in their late twenties . Sophie wondered if they 'd just forgotten the light , or whether they would be returning . She had turned off her own light so they wouldn 't catch her peeking on them if they did . She knew it wasn 't polite to spy on her neighbours , but she was bored and had nothing else to do . The couple was kissing . The man 's back was turned to the window , so she could no longer see his naked wife . Her hands were grabbing his shoulders , her fingers digging deep into her skin . Sophie couldn 't avert her gaze . She hadn 't seen the couple before . The man was very handsome , with broad shoulders and a well - muscled back . His boxers were tight across his hips and firm buttocks . For a moment , she imagined those hands on his shoulders to be hers . She had not seen much of his wife , but that short glimpse of her naked body told her they looked alike . That same slim built with firm breasts and wide hips ; the same pale skin and long brown hair . She knelt on the bed , but did not straddle her husband like Sophie had expected . Instead , she bent down and draped herself across her husband 's lap . With her hips resting on her husband 's knees , her bottom was raised high in her air . As a college - girl , Sophie considered herself far from innocent ; but she had not expected this boring , suburban couple to be so kinky . While she was adventurous herself , Sophie 's experiments with BDSM hadn 't gone farther than blindfolds and handcuffs . She 'd certainly never been spanked . Sophie blushed as she witnessed her neighbor giving her husband a blowjob . Was she thanking him for her spanking , or making up for whatever it was that had gotten her spanked ? She wondered . When the man grabbed his wife 's sore red bottom in both hands , Sophie felt her own hands reaching down into her trousers . She gasped when she noticed how wet she was . Her panties soaked with arousal from watching her neighbor 's spanking . After the long and sensuous spanking , the aftermath was quick . Her neighbor rode her husband roughly until - Sophie imagined - they both came with loud and shuddering orgasms . Sophie herself , who had been watching this whole time , had not enjoyed the same physical sensations ; but she came just as quickly as they did . Shuddering uncontrollably , she moaned softly as she leaned against the window , still spying on her neighbors . Emma was here as a favour for her friend , even though her didn 't know it . Evelyn was now with the councillor , discussing her study habits . Her grades had gone into a freefall ever since she had broken up with her boyfriend , almost a year ago now . Emma and her other friends had felt they had to intervene , to save her friend from throwing away everything she had worked for . Of course Evelyn had not believed she needed counselling , until Emma had lied to her and told her she came here every week herself . Emma had the best grades in their class , if she found help here , Evelyn had believed her she could as well . Emma of course had better ways for spending her Saturday afternoons . She had never been here before . In fact , she was already dressed for a night out with her friends , a short black dress barely long enough to cover the top of her dark sheer stockings , high heeled boots , a touch of make - up and some curls to her hair . She was slightly surprised when the assistant came in and told her the councillor was ready for her . She had almost forgotten she 'd had to make an appointment for herself as well , to keep up with her story . Of course , for her the session couldn 't take as long . Emma had never had any problems studying , in fact in her twenty years of age she couldn 't remember ever needing to do more than just reread a subject before a test . By KC Perrin Sophie stood stock - still in the store 's basement while the customer fastened a black leather collar around her neck . Ever since her boss - the owner of the sex store she worked at - had given his friend permission to spank her ; she 'd been helping out the customers in various different ways . She had gotten a few spankings since then , but not many realized her offer to help went as far as that . She had also let someone tie her up with ropes to test their strength and had showcased various sets of lingerie for some very happy customers ; it did look better on a real girl than on picture on the box after all . One shy girl had asked her how one of the vibrators worked , so Sophie had shown her in the privacy of the changing rooms and another customer had wanted to try out the various types of nipple clamps on her . The more work Sophie had done , the more confident she had become ; she was no longer shy about her nudity or arousal . She had started to serve the customers out in the store , leaving the changing rooms available for other couples . This had also lowered the sexual tension in the store as customers would be less shy about entering a sex store when such activities could be openly discussed and even practiced . They were also more inclined to participate and thus buy things when they were aroused by Sophie 's aid or even just seeing her help another customer . It reminded Sophie at times of the tasty samples at large stores that lured you into buying their products . Two other people were looking at her today , while she was trying on collars for this customer . She wouldn 't be surprised if they as well would be considering how their partner would look like with one of these collars on . " Perhaps I should take off my shirt . " She said as the customer was still hesitant after she 'd worn nearly a dozen different collars . " It 'll give you an idea of how it will look like against bare skin . " The customer raised an eyebrow . " Eh , sure . " He said , obviously surprised as the offer . " I guess I 'll make her wear it more often without clothes after all . " Sophie smiled as she started undoing the buttons of her shirt . She didn 't really think this would help him make a choice ; but seeing her nearly naked would certainly arouse the customer greatly . His desire would certainly speed up the deciding process . To make sure her plan worked , she unhooked her bra as well to uncover her breasts . The other customers came closer to have a look , no longer hiding their interest . Sophie did not blush when the customer licked his lips as he stared at her . " Could you try on this one again ? " He asked while handing her one of the other collars . " Of course , sir . " Sophie replied ; replacing the collar she was wearing with the one he offered . Truth be told , she was deeply aroused to be bared in front of these strangers . It was odd to realize she hadn 't known this aspect of herself until a few weeks ago . " A great choice , sir . " Sophie said . " I like this one as well . " She handed him the collar she was wearing and started to dress again . ' Success ! ' She thought . Just one glimpse of her breasts and the choice was made . The customer looked disappointed for a moment when she started to dress again . He must 've just realized he could 've asked her to try on the others as well ; to be able to enjoy the view for just a bit longer . The other customers closed in on her , probably itching to ask her for her help now that they knew how helpful she could really be . But before they could ask their questions , a voice came from upstairs : " Sophie , could you come up here for a moment , please ? " It was her boss . After excusing herself to the customers , Sophie made her way up the stairs . Her boss did not often call for her during work . He had not spanked her since that first time either . But ever since , she had that slight feeling of dread whenever he called . Had she perhaps done something wrong , was she perhaps in trouble and would she be spanked again ? So far , she hadn 't , sometimes she felt disappointed that it hadn 't come to that again . " How can I help you , sir ? " She asked . Her boss was waiting for her by the register . By KC Perrin The sound of insects in the tall grass and the twittering of birds in the treetops was all that accompanied Emma 's footsteps on the narrow dirt path . She was all alone , deep in the forest , her map and compass the only thing to guide her way . She wasn 't lost of course , Emma had walked this path a dozen times before . Emma loved this part of the country , the large forests and nature nearly unmarked by civilization . If you knew your way , you could walk for days without coming across any village or road . Emma knew her way , she had stayed at nearly every hotel available in the area . Once or twice a month she stayed the weekend to take these long , relaxing walks . Today , she had taken one of her favourite routes . It was a narrow path that climbed quickly along the side of the hill . On her left , on the side of hill , were huge grey boulders that had stood there for such a long time that they had trees growing in them . On her right , the forest plunge down into a narrow canyon with a calm , but deep river . Emma had often found wildlife in this spot , deer and other animals that would climb down towards this calmer part of the river to drink . She therefore kept a close eye on the forest to her right , hoping to see one today . What she did not notice was the growth of blackberry brambles that had overgrown the narrow path . The blackberry vines served as trip wires as they lay across the path ; and Emma quickly lost her balance as she walked into them unawares . With a cry , she fell forwards ; but when she grabbed the brambles , she recoiled from their sharp thorns . She rolled down to the right and with a shriek , she started to slide down the steep hill . With nothing to grab onto during her fall , her speed increased until she was no longer able to stop herself . Miraculously , she managed to reach the bottom without hitting a tree ; even though her clothes were dirty and ripped from all the mud and bushes she had passed through . She made it all the way into the river ; deep enough to swallow her whole . Spluttering , Emma surfaced . She quickly swam to the shore and climbed out of the cold water . She was drenched , her ripped clothing soaked through and through . There was no way out of the canyon except for climbing the steep hill back up to the path ; but first she needed to rest . She knew there was very little chance that anyone would find her , not many people passed on these small , forgotten roads . Besides , she was certain she could save herself . It was only a short walk back to the hotel if she reached the path . From her backpack , Emma fished her emergency package . She unfolded the emergency blanket on the forest floor and placed her shoes on top . It was a warm day , so she decided to undress to help her clothes dry . Her trousers and t - shirt she hung on the lower branches of one of the trees . Her underwear she kept on . No - one would find her here , but she still didn 't want to go fully naked out in the open . She used some of her bottled water to clean out the scrapes on her arms from her fall . The deeper cuts she cleaned with alcohol and protected with some band aids . She had a few bruises on her ribs ; but all in all , she 'd gotten of lucky after such a fall . After taking care of herself , Emma wondered how long she 'd have to wait for her clothes to dry . It was warm , but beneath the shadow of the trees , it could take a long time . Eventually she decided to make a small fire to speed up the process . With the tools in her emergency package it did not take long until she had a small , warm fire going . While her clothes slowly dried , Emma at her lunch at the bottom of the canyon . It was a cool night on a Friday in September . The street lights were blinding before Eric left them behind as he entered the relative calm of the local park . The tall oak trees alongside the hard - packed dirt road still kept most of their leaves this time of year , but the days were already getting shorter . The sun had already set and a deeper darkness lingered beneath the trees . As Eric entered those shadows , the noise of the city was far away and the temperature seemed to drop ; he pulled his long grey coat closed with one hand . With the other he pulled a shopping trolley filled with groceries behind him . As one of the largest parks in the city , the empty lanes would have been filled with students and pensioners by day . The park had a bad reputation however - mostly concerning the safety of young women - and was largely abandoned during the night . Eric enjoyed walking the park when it was empty and quiet . The reputation it had , meant he had the place to himself . It was peaceful and quiet . He strode along with a confident stride , his footsteps echoing on the empty road . Halfway through his route on the tree - lined paths he noticed a dark silhouette along the left side of the road , a single person sitting on a park bench . Eric continued on his way and tried not to look at the person he passed in the night . He was not in the mood to talk to the occasional drunk you could find here , sleeping off their hangover . Of course , he could not help himself and caught glimpses of her from the corner of his eyes . That she was a woman was obvious from her figure and dress . She did not seem drunk ; though it looked like she had been crying . She did not look up as Eric passed and he continued on his way . ' Just minding my own business . ' He told himself . Yet he stopped just a short distance after seeing her . He had seen only a glimpse of the girl , but there was something about her that had drawn his curiosity . Calling himself foolish he turned around . " Are you ok ? " He asked her , a stupid question . She obviously was not . Eric looked at her more closely ; noticing her short wrinkled dress that - without any stockings or leggings underneath - must have been cold that time of the day ; her long brown hair which hung loosely around her shoulders ; the small golden hoops in her ears and the small silver chain around her neck , whatever was hanging from it hidden in the darkness . A teasing answer came to him right away , something about a woman never being fine when she used that word . It did not seem appropriate in this situation however and he kept it to himself . The girl pulled a lock of her long brown hair out of her eyes , revealing a fine oval face and a pair of glasses resting on her tip - tilted nose . She looked cute , despite her red eyes and tear - stained cheeks . She was older than he had guessed from that first glimpse . He estimated her to be in her twenties : twenty - four or twenty - five , just a few years younger than himself . " Are you sure ? " He asked . He did not really want to know , with this park 's reputation he did not want to get involved with the most obvious reason for a girl to be sat alone , crying on a bench . Still , he felt the desire to help her anyway ; strange , he did not usually go out of his way to help a stranger . Luckily , she did not look like she 'd been assaulted , her dress looked fine and she bore not visible marks or bruises . The girl 's request caught Eric off guard ; food had not been on his mind at all . " Of course . " He said , pulling the trolley around . He smiled as he opened its zipper . " Most of it needs to be prepared first , but I have some fresh fruits and vegetables . " He rummaged around a bit before finding a box of seedless grapes . " Do you like these ? " He asked . " Yes , thank you . " The girl blushed slightly as Eric handed her the box , but she opened it quickly . She smiled more broadly when she propped the first small grape between her lips . The motion looked oddly sensual . Eric watched her eat , unsure what to do or say to her . He seated himself on the bench next to her . It seemed she did not want to tell him what was wrong and that was fine by him . He felt satisfied to watch her eat . She hungrily devoured the grapes , their juices sticky on her lips and fingers . The girl did not seem to mind and she quickly emptied half the box . Astounded by how hungry she seemed , Eric pulled his trolley closer . " I have some apples too if you 'd like . " He said . The girl looked up at him , obviously uncomfortable at his generosity , but unwilling to decline his offer . Eric smiled and dug up one of the green apples - he liked the sour ones - before she could say no . In an unusual moment of chivalry , he offered her his handkerchief first . She blushed more deeply than before , but used it not only to clean her hands , but dry her tears as well . " That 's better . " Eric said with a smile . " You 're already getting back some of your colour . " The girl 's blush turned scarlet and she looked away , covering the motion by taking a quick bite out of the apple . Eric turned away to put the box of grapes back in his trolley and let her compose herself . ' I could leave now . ' He thought . There was really no reason for him to stay and watch her eat the apple . Yet it felt impolite to just stand up and go . He felt obliged to stay , to actually help her with more than just an apple and some grapes . Maybe he was just curious , but he felt like he cared for her , even though he did not know her at all . " When was the last time you ate ? " He asked . Eric 's stomach rumbled . He hadn 't eaten since noon today and already felt unspeakably hungry . He couldn 't imagine not having eaten for a whole day or more . Some of the vegetables in his trolley were destined to become a salad as soon as he got home . Dinner was on top of his to - do list . " How come ? " He asked her , unsure how to ask her why she was here in the park , alone and hungry . For a second he thought she might have run away from home . Except , twenty - four - year - old girls don 't run away from home . Most of them don 't even live at home anymore . Eric could hear the lie on her tongue . She was obviously embarrassed about whatever it was and did not want to tell him . Eric decided he didn 't need to know ; her business was her own . " I was going home to make dinner . " He said . " You can have some if you like . " He surprized even himself with the offer . Eric smiled . " I 'm sorry , I hope that didn 't sound creepy . I don 't have any bad intentions . I just wanted to help . " " Oh no . That 's fine . " The girl said , trying to assure him that was not what was on her mind either . " I 'd like that … The dinner I mean . " She blushed again . " I 'm Charlotte , by the way , what 's your name ? " Charlotte followed the man she 'd just met on his way home ; she walked half a step behind him , letting him lead . She was unsure how to behave around him . He was a whole head taller than her , with semi - long unkempt brown hair and a neatly trimmed beard that gave him a very distinguished look . She was not usually shy around men , but not all men appeared as a handsome hero rescuing you in a cold dark night . From his clothes , she could only make out the heavy grey coat he wore , it was too dark to distinguish anything else . The coat reminded her of how cold she was , wearing nothing but her dress . She wondered if he 'd offer it to her if she told him , like some gentleman in a story . She blushed again and decided she was too embarrassed to try . The park was dark and quiet except for their footsteps and the trolley 's two little wheels ; yet somehow she felt safer now than she had before . They didn 't talk , Charlotte wondered what he was thinking , but she was not ready to tell him about herself . The silence was comforting and they did not break it until they reached the other side of the park and entered the bright streetlight - lit streets . " Do you like cabbage ? " Frederic asked her . " I was going to make a salad with some apple mixed in , but I might use the rest of the grapes now . " " I do . " Charlotte replied enthusiastically , happy with the subject he had chosen . In the light , she walked more confidently , more beside him than behind . " Good . " He replied , seemingly uncertain what more to say . " And do you eat meat ? Pork ? I sometimes like to add tiny strips of bacon … " " Just past the next crossover . " He said , guiding her , he stopped for the red light , even though there were no cars in sight . They arrived at a relative large townhouse with a beautiful old façade in red brick and a large door with a wrought iron grill . Charlotte looked up at the three - story building and hesitated as Frederic opened the door . It had not occurred to her yet that he might not live alone ; but the large house was more fitting for a family than a bachelor . It was strange that she felt less confident considering the aspect that he might have a family . She did not have much time to think about it though , as Frederic turned around and held the door open for her . " Is something wrong ? " He asked . Charlotte suppressed a sigh of relief . She quickly entered the warmth of the hallway as Frederic pulled the door closed behind her and turned on the lights . " Please take off your shoes if you don 't mind . " He said . He had already taken off his own , so Charlotte kicked off hers and placed them next to his . The warm parquet floor felt strangely homely beneath her bare feet . The hallway led straight to a large living area with on one side a sitting room with a big TV and a large sofa and on the other side a modern wooden desk with a single big computer screen and a stack of papers . There were some small cabinets against the walls and most of them contained books . A small grey cat greeted Frederic as soon as he entered , purring and rubbing its head against his legs . It ran away when Charlotte bent over to scratch it behind its ears . Charlotte smiled . " Just like her master then . " She said , following him to the adjoining kitchen . Just like the living quarters , this room was neat and tidy , very different from how her own apartment had been . Frederic dropped the trolley on the kitchen 's tiled floor - he had been carrying it so it would not to track dirt inside - and started unloading its contents . Most of it went into the fridge , some things , like a fresh cabbage and the half - empty box of grapes , were left on the counter . Charlotte felt quite useless while she couldn 't help , so she occupied herself by looking around his kitchen . A big window opening into a small garden had pots of fresh herbs on the windowsill ; a stack of dirty dishes was left in a corner , waiting their turn in the dishwasher ; on a small separate table lay a collection of cooking books and in the middle of all that stood Frederic . He wore a chequered shirt above clean brown trousers and looked even more handsome in the light than he had before . " Can I help with anything ? " She asked after Frederic had dragged the trolley back to the hallway . " You can cut the grapes if you 'd like . " He replied . " Just cut them in half and the big ones in quarters . " He handed her a small kitchen knife and cutting board , while taking a bigger knife himself and promptly cutting the cabbage in half . Charlotte very rarely cooked herself . Most of her meals came prepared from the store , kept frozen and only needed to be heated to eat . It felt satisfying to work in the kitchen , though she could not help herself eating a few more of the sweet grapes as she cut them . Next to her she heard the steady chop - chop of Frederic cutting the cabbage into thin slices . " Do you always cook yourself ? " She asked him . " I mean ; do you ever eat premade meals ? " " Oh , I do have some pizza 's in the freezer . " He replied . " But I find cooking relaxing , even if it 's just for myself . It is some time away from the TV or my computer . " Charlotte smiled . Frederic sounded so … responsible . If it was up to her , she would have already been in the sofa with her feet up eating pizza while watching yet another TV - series from beginning to end . Finished with cutting the grapes she added them to the bowl in which Eric had already collected the cabbage . She then watched him put a frying pan on the fire and add chopped up pieces of bacon . The kitchen filled quickly with its recognizable and oh so tasty smell . While the bacon turned crispy above the fire , Eric added nuts , dried fruits and some dressing to the sliced cabbage . He handed her two plates and some cutlery and ordered her to set the table . The large kitchen table with four sturdy wooden chairs - and room for more - stood at the other side of the room . Charlotte wondered if Frederic often invited people for dinner , the table - like the rest of his home - seemed too big for one man alone . She placed the plates so that they would be seated facing each other . " Please sit . " Frederic said as he mixed the bacon in with the salad and placed the bowl on the table . Somehow he had found time to grab a wicker basket with bread and a pot of butter as well . " What would you like to drink ? " He asked her . " I don 't have much . I usually just drink water or a bit of wine , but I have some orange juice as well . " " I 'll have what you 're having . " Charlotte said . She already felt he was going too much out of his way for her . The salad - bowl stood enticingly before her and she couldn 't wait to taste it . Too hungry to be embarrassed Charlotte did as he said and filled her plate . She was just putting some butter on her bread as Frederic placed a small glass of white wine beside her plate and seated himself in front of her . " Bon appetite ! " He said . Finished with his dinner , Erik leaned back in his chair and observed the girl he had invited into his home . They hadn 't talked much while eating . She had told him she liked the wine and had complimented him on the salad . He had responded by saying he had just thrown something together , but had particularly enjoyed the grapes . What was left of them anyway … At some point his cat - Shirine - had joined them . She had even jumped on the table , though he had promptly put her back down . She was now meowing and begging for their attention from beneath their chairs . Charlotte absentmindedly scratched her behind the ears as she looked out the window at the rain rattling against the glass . That had started some time ago and he had seen her staring outside often ever since . " I can drive you home if you want . " Eric said . " You don 't want to go out in weather like this . " Charlotte looked from the window to him . " I don 't have anywhere to go . " She said it with a voice so quiet he could barely hear . He did not know what to answer , but suddenly things started to become clear to him . Why she 'd been alone in the park , hungry and crying . All she had with her was a small purse and the dress she wore . He should 've realized it before . Her dress was cute and modern , a dark blue and reached halfway down her thighs . But it was very wrinkled and Eric wondered whether she had already spent a night outside in it . " I have a guestroom ; you could spend the night if you want ? " He said . " I always keep it ready in case I have guests , so it wouldn 't be any trouble . " Charlotte looked at him with wide eyes . " Yes , please . Thank you ! " She said . She sounded as if he 'd offered the world to her and tears appeared in the corners of her eyes . Eric felt slightly uncomfortable and stood up clearing his throat . " Let me show you . " He said . Unsure of what else to do , he decided to show her around . " Four . " Eric replied . " There 's my bedroom and the hobby room on the first floor and the guest room and an oversized pantry on the second floor . There 's also a bathroom on the first floor in case you need it or want to shower . " He told her . There wasn 't much to see in the guest room . There was a neatly made two - person bed and an old wardrobe empty except for an old chest at the bottom , the window looked out at the street out front . They were quickly headed down again . " Is this the bathroom ? " Charlotte asked as they passed it on the first floor . " I could really use a shower . " She said with a blush . Eric showed her where to find fresh towels and returned to the kitchen alone . As he cleared away the dishes his thoughts were with the cute girl showering in his bathroom and all the vivid imagery that came with such thoughts . ' She 's a poor girl in need of your help . Try to be a gentleman . ' He scolded himself . He banished any further thoughts of soft , bare skin assaulted by streams of hot , steaming water and covered in white foamy soap ; instead he piled the dishes on the dishwasher and retreated to his living room with a book . He had been reading this one for a couple of days and easily lost himself in the story . He was able to forget about the girl he had ' rescued ' for a while , until he heard her come back down the stairs . She wore a white towel like a turban on her head and one of his old bathrobes , though he had to admit she looked a lot cuter in them than he ever had . " Not at all . " Eric replied . He put away the book and moved over in the sofa . Shirine had already taken her favourite spot on the armrest . The thoughts he had banished before came back unbiddingly as the robe did little to hide her magnificent figure . " Would you like me to turn on the TV ? " He asked , more to distract himself than her . " Oh no . " Charlotte replied . " I didn 't want to interrupt your reading . " She didn 't sit , but looked at him with an odd look in her eyes . Charlotte placed herself next to him as Eric grabbed the TV 's remote from the coffee table . She sat closer than necessary in the large sofa and her legs , bared beneath the short robe brushed against his . " I just wanted to thank you for everything you 've done . " She said softly . " Please don 't mention it . " Eric said . " I 'm glad I could help . " The TV turned on with a loud noise and Charlotte rested comfortably against his shoulder . She felt warm to his touch and smelled of fresh soap . An old movie was playing and they watched it in silence . Eric had trouble concentrating on the movie as he was constantly reminded of her presence beside him . Many thoughts whirled through his mind : ' put your arm around her shoulders ' , ' how soft would those creamy thighs feel beneath my fingers ' , ' she smells so nice ' , ' is she wearing anything beneath that robe ' , ' why is she sitting so close ' , ' should I try to kiss her ' … . But he did none of those things and in the end felt it was for the best ; it would have been inappropriate of him to take advantage of her , as vulnerable as she was right now . When the movie ended , they went upstairs together . He wished Charlotte goodnight as he entered his bedroom and she continued up the stairs to the guest room on the second floor . By KC Perrin Tall , dark trees surrounded Emily as she woke . Their bare branches seemed to be reaching down towards her , grasping , flailing . She did not know where she was . It was dark and the forest that surrounded her was unfamiliar ; there seemed to be nothing but trees wherever she looked . The light by which she could see seemed to be coming from nowhere . Emily had vague memories of going to bed in her home in the city ; but out here , her only bed was a soft mound of moss . It was strangely warm , in this empty , silent place . This unnatural silence and the strange darkness hiding behind the trees scared her . Emily was afraid to move from where she had been sleeping ; but the longer she waited , the more vulnerable she felt . She was naked . She remembered taking off her clothes before going to bed ; another vague memory that did not align with her current situation . An eerie , deep voice suddenly broke the silence . " It is okay . You can come out now . " It said . Emily blushed and covered her naked body with her hands ; but there was nowhere to hide from this strong , masculine voice . " Don 't be afraid , nothing can hurt you here . " It appealed . Emily turned around , facing the direction the voice seemed to come from . The trees seemed less menacing there ; their branches lush and covered with leafs . She chose to follow the warm , welcoming voice rather than fleeing into the dark row of trees . The forest lost some of its warmth as Emily left the mound of moss and strode towards the greener part of the woods . " That 's it . " The voice said . " Come to me . " A silhouette appeared between the trees ahead of her . Emily stopped . With one arm , she covered her breasts , the hand on the other her crotch . " Who are you ? " She asked . " Where am I ? " " Don 't be ashamed . " The voice said . " I am here to help you . " The silhouette moved towards her through the trees . It was a man of indistinguishable age ; broad at the shoulders and narrow at the hips . His hair was long and black as the night sky , his eyes nearly as dark . He was as naked as she was , his skin was dark and stretched taut across his muscles . A tuft of dark black hair grew above his member ; it was as large as only the most well - endowed of men could boast . He stepped towards her , unashamed of his nudity . The man reached her and placed his hands on her shoulders . " It 's okay . " He said . " I know this must be confusing for you ; but you can trust me . " He looked down into her eyes . His hands were warm and welcoming . Looking up at this man , his naked body so close to hers , Emily felt oddly comforted . She relaxed , her arms slipping down as she gave up her effort in hiding her body from sight . It felt hypocritical to hide her nudity while he flaunted his . " What 's your name ? " She asked him . The man let go of her arms . " My name can be whatever you want it to be . " He said . " I am here only for you . I came to guide you to the other side . " " The other side of what ? " Emily asked . The man moved away from her , expecting her to follow him . " Do you really not have a name ? What shall I call you then ? " She called after him . The man moved silently through the forest . Emily followed him hesitantly . He was the only thing she knew was real , she had felt his warm hands on her shoulders . The rest : the trees , the ground , the dark sky ; it all seemed far away , somehow disconnected from the two of them and their short journey . She did not give him a name , not until she knew what he was . The darkness changed . Light was shining somewhere up ahead . There were voices too , people moving between the trees , for now still too far for them to see her . Emily slowed , afraid of these strangers . The man she followed had led her to a dark , deep river . " They can 't see you . " The man said . " They don 't know where you are . " Emily approached the river . The others turned to watch her , but they did not come closer . She wondered if they were naked like her , but she could not see them clearly in the darkness . " You must swim across . " The man told her . " It 's the only way you can reach the other side . " |
By KC Perrin Summer - break was only two days old and Sophie was already bored out of her mind . What was a twenty - year - old girl to do all day out in the suburbs , living with her parents ? All year , she 'd live in the city , among friends ; but these two months of summer were lonely and dull . That one week in August when she 'd go on a trip with her friends seemed still far away . There was the couple across the street however . They had moved in last year while she was in college . They were the closest to her age by a far margin , somewhere in their late twenties . Sophie wondered if they 'd just forgotten the light , or whether they would be returning . She had turned off her own light so they wouldn 't catch her peeking on them if they did . She knew it wasn 't polite to spy on her neighbours , but she was bored and had nothing else to do . The couple was kissing . The man 's back was turned to the window , so she could no longer see his naked wife . Her hands were grabbing his shoulders , her fingers digging deep into her skin . Sophie couldn 't avert her gaze . She hadn 't seen the couple before . The man was very handsome , with broad shoulders and a well - muscled back . His boxers were tight across his hips and firm buttocks . For a moment , she imagined those hands on his shoulders to be hers . She had not seen much of his wife , but that short glimpse of her naked body told her they looked alike . That same slim built with firm breasts and wide hips ; the same pale skin and long brown hair . She knelt on the bed , but did not straddle her husband like Sophie had expected . Instead , she bent down and draped herself across her husband 's lap . With her hips resting on her husband 's knees , her bottom was raised high in her air . As a college - girl , Sophie considered herself far from innocent ; but she had not expected this boring , suburban couple to be so kinky . While she was adventurous herself , Sophie 's experiments with BDSM hadn 't gone farther than blindfolds and handcuffs . She 'd certainly never been spanked . Sophie blushed as she witnessed her neighbor giving her husband a blowjob . Was she thanking him for her spanking , or making up for whatever it was that had gotten her spanked ? She wondered . When the man grabbed his wife 's sore red bottom in both hands , Sophie felt her own hands reaching down into her trousers . She gasped when she noticed how wet she was . Her panties soaked with arousal from watching her neighbor 's spanking . After the long and sensuous spanking , the aftermath was quick . Her neighbor rode her husband roughly until - Sophie imagined - they both came with loud and shuddering orgasms . Sophie herself , who had been watching this whole time , had not enjoyed the same physical sensations ; but she came just as quickly as they did . Shuddering uncontrollably , she moaned softly as she leaned against the window , still spying on her neighbors . Emma was here as a favour for her friend , even though her didn 't know it . Evelyn was now with the councillor , discussing her study habits . Her grades had gone into a freefall ever since she had broken up with her boyfriend , almost a year ago now . Emma and her other friends had felt they had to intervene , to save her friend from throwing away everything she had worked for . Of course Evelyn had not believed she needed counselling , until Emma had lied to her and told her she came here every week herself . Emma had the best grades in their class , if she found help here , Evelyn had believed her she could as well . Emma of course had better ways for spending her Saturday afternoons . She had never been here before . In fact , she was already dressed for a night out with her friends , a short black dress barely long enough to cover the top of her dark sheer stockings , high heeled boots , a touch of make - up and some curls to her hair . She was slightly surprised when the assistant came in and told her the councillor was ready for her . She had almost forgotten she 'd had to make an appointment for herself as well , to keep up with her story . Of course , for her the session couldn 't take as long . Emma had never had any problems studying , in fact in her twenty years of age she couldn 't remember ever needing to do more than just reread a subject before a test . By KC Perrin Sophie stood stock - still in the store 's basement while the customer fastened a black leather collar around her neck . Ever since her boss - the owner of the sex store she worked at - had given his friend permission to spank her ; she 'd been helping out the customers in various different ways . She had gotten a few spankings since then , but not many realized her offer to help went as far as that . She had also let someone tie her up with ropes to test their strength and had showcased various sets of lingerie for some very happy customers ; it did look better on a real girl than on picture on the box after all . One shy girl had asked her how one of the vibrators worked , so Sophie had shown her in the privacy of the changing rooms and another customer had wanted to try out the various types of nipple clamps on her . The more work Sophie had done , the more confident she had become ; she was no longer shy about her nudity or arousal . She had started to serve the customers out in the store , leaving the changing rooms available for other couples . This had also lowered the sexual tension in the store as customers would be less shy about entering a sex store when such activities could be openly discussed and even practiced . They were also more inclined to participate and thus buy things when they were aroused by Sophie 's aid or even just seeing her help another customer . It reminded Sophie at times of the tasty samples at large stores that lured you into buying their products . Two other people were looking at her today , while she was trying on collars for this customer . She wouldn 't be surprised if they as well would be considering how their partner would look like with one of these collars on . " Perhaps I should take off my shirt . " She said as the customer was still hesitant after she 'd worn nearly a dozen different collars . " It 'll give you an idea of how it will look like against bare skin . " The customer raised an eyebrow . " Eh , sure . " He said , obviously surprised as the offer . " I guess I 'll make her wear it more often without clothes after all . " Sophie smiled as she started undoing the buttons of her shirt . She didn 't really think this would help him make a choice ; but seeing her nearly naked would certainly arouse the customer greatly . His desire would certainly speed up the deciding process . To make sure her plan worked , she unhooked her bra as well to uncover her breasts . The other customers came closer to have a look , no longer hiding their interest . Sophie did not blush when the customer licked his lips as he stared at her . " Could you try on this one again ? " He asked while handing her one of the other collars . " Of course , sir . " Sophie replied ; replacing the collar she was wearing with the one he offered . Truth be told , she was deeply aroused to be bared in front of these strangers . It was odd to realize she hadn 't known this aspect of herself until a few weeks ago . " A great choice , sir . " Sophie said . " I like this one as well . " She handed him the collar she was wearing and started to dress again . ' Success ! ' She thought . Just one glimpse of her breasts and the choice was made . The customer looked disappointed for a moment when she started to dress again . He must 've just realized he could 've asked her to try on the others as well ; to be able to enjoy the view for just a bit longer . The other customers closed in on her , probably itching to ask her for her help now that they knew how helpful she could really be . But before they could ask their questions , a voice came from upstairs : " Sophie , could you come up here for a moment , please ? " It was her boss . After excusing herself to the customers , Sophie made her way up the stairs . Her boss did not often call for her during work . He had not spanked her since that first time either . But ever since , she had that slight feeling of dread whenever he called . Had she perhaps done something wrong , was she perhaps in trouble and would she be spanked again ? So far , she hadn 't , sometimes she felt disappointed that it hadn 't come to that again . " How can I help you , sir ? " She asked . Her boss was waiting for her by the register . By KC Perrin The sound of insects in the tall grass and the twittering of birds in the treetops was all that accompanied Emma 's footsteps on the narrow dirt path . She was all alone , deep in the forest , her map and compass the only thing to guide her way . She wasn 't lost of course , Emma had walked this path a dozen times before . Emma loved this part of the country , the large forests and nature nearly unmarked by civilization . If you knew your way , you could walk for days without coming across any village or road . Emma knew her way , she had stayed at nearly every hotel available in the area . Once or twice a month she stayed the weekend to take these long , relaxing walks . Today , she had taken one of her favourite routes . It was a narrow path that climbed quickly along the side of the hill . On her left , on the side of hill , were huge grey boulders that had stood there for such a long time that they had trees growing in them . On her right , the forest plunge down into a narrow canyon with a calm , but deep river . Emma had often found wildlife in this spot , deer and other animals that would climb down towards this calmer part of the river to drink . She therefore kept a close eye on the forest to her right , hoping to see one today . What she did not notice was the growth of blackberry brambles that had overgrown the narrow path . The blackberry vines served as trip wires as they lay across the path ; and Emma quickly lost her balance as she walked into them unawares . With a cry , she fell forwards ; but when she grabbed the brambles , she recoiled from their sharp thorns . She rolled down to the right and with a shriek , she started to slide down the steep hill . With nothing to grab onto during her fall , her speed increased until she was no longer able to stop herself . Miraculously , she managed to reach the bottom without hitting a tree ; even though her clothes were dirty and ripped from all the mud and bushes she had passed through . She made it all the way into the river ; deep enough to swallow her whole . Spluttering , Emma surfaced . She quickly swam to the shore and climbed out of the cold water . She was drenched , her ripped clothing soaked through and through . There was no way out of the canyon except for climbing the steep hill back up to the path ; but first she needed to rest . She knew there was very little chance that anyone would find her , not many people passed on these small , forgotten roads . Besides , she was certain she could save herself . It was only a short walk back to the hotel if she reached the path . From her backpack , Emma fished her emergency package . She unfolded the emergency blanket on the forest floor and placed her shoes on top . It was a warm day , so she decided to undress to help her clothes dry . Her trousers and t - shirt she hung on the lower branches of one of the trees . Her underwear she kept on . No - one would find her here , but she still didn 't want to go fully naked out in the open . She used some of her bottled water to clean out the scrapes on her arms from her fall . The deeper cuts she cleaned with alcohol and protected with some band aids . She had a few bruises on her ribs ; but all in all , she 'd gotten of lucky after such a fall . After taking care of herself , Emma wondered how long she 'd have to wait for her clothes to dry . It was warm , but beneath the shadow of the trees , it could take a long time . Eventually she decided to make a small fire to speed up the process . With the tools in her emergency package it did not take long until she had a small , warm fire going . While her clothes slowly dried , Emma at her lunch at the bottom of the canyon . It was a cool night on a Friday in September . The street lights were blinding before Eric left them behind as he entered the relative calm of the local park . The tall oak trees alongside the hard - packed dirt road still kept most of their leaves this time of year , but the days were already getting shorter . The sun had already set and a deeper darkness lingered beneath the trees . As Eric entered those shadows , the noise of the city was far away and the temperature seemed to drop ; he pulled his long grey coat closed with one hand . With the other he pulled a shopping trolley filled with groceries behind him . As one of the largest parks in the city , the empty lanes would have been filled with students and pensioners by day . The park had a bad reputation however - mostly concerning the safety of young women - and was largely abandoned during the night . Eric enjoyed walking the park when it was empty and quiet . The reputation it had , meant he had the place to himself . It was peaceful and quiet . He strode along with a confident stride , his footsteps echoing on the empty road . Halfway through his route on the tree - lined paths he noticed a dark silhouette along the left side of the road , a single person sitting on a park bench . Eric continued on his way and tried not to look at the person he passed in the night . He was not in the mood to talk to the occasional drunk you could find here , sleeping off their hangover . Of course , he could not help himself and caught glimpses of her from the corner of his eyes . That she was a woman was obvious from her figure and dress . She did not seem drunk ; though it looked like she had been crying . She did not look up as Eric passed and he continued on his way . ' Just minding my own business . ' He told himself . Yet he stopped just a short distance after seeing her . He had seen only a glimpse of the girl , but there was something about her that had drawn his curiosity . Calling himself foolish he turned around . " Are you ok ? " He asked her , a stupid question . She obviously was not . Eric looked at her more closely ; noticing her short wrinkled dress that - without any stockings or leggings underneath - must have been cold that time of the day ; her long brown hair which hung loosely around her shoulders ; the small golden hoops in her ears and the small silver chain around her neck , whatever was hanging from it hidden in the darkness . A teasing answer came to him right away , something about a woman never being fine when she used that word . It did not seem appropriate in this situation however and he kept it to himself . The girl pulled a lock of her long brown hair out of her eyes , revealing a fine oval face and a pair of glasses resting on her tip - tilted nose . She looked cute , despite her red eyes and tear - stained cheeks . She was older than he had guessed from that first glimpse . He estimated her to be in her twenties : twenty - four or twenty - five , just a few years younger than himself . " Are you sure ? " He asked . He did not really want to know , with this park 's reputation he did not want to get involved with the most obvious reason for a girl to be sat alone , crying on a bench . Still , he felt the desire to help her anyway ; strange , he did not usually go out of his way to help a stranger . Luckily , she did not look like she 'd been assaulted , her dress looked fine and she bore not visible marks or bruises . The girl 's request caught Eric off guard ; food had not been on his mind at all . " Of course . " He said , pulling the trolley around . He smiled as he opened its zipper . " Most of it needs to be prepared first , but I have some fresh fruits and vegetables . " He rummaged around a bit before finding a box of seedless grapes . " Do you like these ? " He asked . " Yes , thank you . " The girl blushed slightly as Eric handed her the box , but she opened it quickly . She smiled more broadly when she propped the first small grape between her lips . The motion looked oddly sensual . Eric watched her eat , unsure what to do or say to her . He seated himself on the bench next to her . It seemed she did not want to tell him what was wrong and that was fine by him . He felt satisfied to watch her eat . She hungrily devoured the grapes , their juices sticky on her lips and fingers . The girl did not seem to mind and she quickly emptied half the box . Astounded by how hungry she seemed , Eric pulled his trolley closer . " I have some apples too if you 'd like . " He said . The girl looked up at him , obviously uncomfortable at his generosity , but unwilling to decline his offer . Eric smiled and dug up one of the green apples - he liked the sour ones - before she could say no . In an unusual moment of chivalry , he offered her his handkerchief first . She blushed more deeply than before , but used it not only to clean her hands , but dry her tears as well . " That 's better . " Eric said with a smile . " You 're already getting back some of your colour . " The girl 's blush turned scarlet and she looked away , covering the motion by taking a quick bite out of the apple . Eric turned away to put the box of grapes back in his trolley and let her compose herself . ' I could leave now . ' He thought . There was really no reason for him to stay and watch her eat the apple . Yet it felt impolite to just stand up and go . He felt obliged to stay , to actually help her with more than just an apple and some grapes . Maybe he was just curious , but he felt like he cared for her , even though he did not know her at all . " When was the last time you ate ? " He asked . Eric 's stomach rumbled . He hadn 't eaten since noon today and already felt unspeakably hungry . He couldn 't imagine not having eaten for a whole day or more . Some of the vegetables in his trolley were destined to become a salad as soon as he got home . Dinner was on top of his to - do list . " How come ? " He asked her , unsure how to ask her why she was here in the park , alone and hungry . For a second he thought she might have run away from home . Except , twenty - four - year - old girls don 't run away from home . Most of them don 't even live at home anymore . Eric could hear the lie on her tongue . She was obviously embarrassed about whatever it was and did not want to tell him . Eric decided he didn 't need to know ; her business was her own . " I was going home to make dinner . " He said . " You can have some if you like . " He surprized even himself with the offer . Eric smiled . " I 'm sorry , I hope that didn 't sound creepy . I don 't have any bad intentions . I just wanted to help . " " Oh no . That 's fine . " The girl said , trying to assure him that was not what was on her mind either . " I 'd like that … The dinner I mean . " She blushed again . " I 'm Charlotte , by the way , what 's your name ? " Charlotte followed the man she 'd just met on his way home ; she walked half a step behind him , letting him lead . She was unsure how to behave around him . He was a whole head taller than her , with semi - long unkempt brown hair and a neatly trimmed beard that gave him a very distinguished look . She was not usually shy around men , but not all men appeared as a handsome hero rescuing you in a cold dark night . From his clothes , she could only make out the heavy grey coat he wore , it was too dark to distinguish anything else . The coat reminded her of how cold she was , wearing nothing but her dress . She wondered if he 'd offer it to her if she told him , like some gentleman in a story . She blushed again and decided she was too embarrassed to try . The park was dark and quiet except for their footsteps and the trolley 's two little wheels ; yet somehow she felt safer now than she had before . They didn 't talk , Charlotte wondered what he was thinking , but she was not ready to tell him about herself . The silence was comforting and they did not break it until they reached the other side of the park and entered the bright streetlight - lit streets . " Do you like cabbage ? " Frederic asked her . " I was going to make a salad with some apple mixed in , but I might use the rest of the grapes now . " " I do . " Charlotte replied enthusiastically , happy with the subject he had chosen . In the light , she walked more confidently , more beside him than behind . " Good . " He replied , seemingly uncertain what more to say . " And do you eat meat ? Pork ? I sometimes like to add tiny strips of bacon … " " Just past the next crossover . " He said , guiding her , he stopped for the red light , even though there were no cars in sight . They arrived at a relative large townhouse with a beautiful old façade in red brick and a large door with a wrought iron grill . Charlotte looked up at the three - story building and hesitated as Frederic opened the door . It had not occurred to her yet that he might not live alone ; but the large house was more fitting for a family than a bachelor . It was strange that she felt less confident considering the aspect that he might have a family . She did not have much time to think about it though , as Frederic turned around and held the door open for her . " Is something wrong ? " He asked . Charlotte suppressed a sigh of relief . She quickly entered the warmth of the hallway as Frederic pulled the door closed behind her and turned on the lights . " Please take off your shoes if you don 't mind . " He said . He had already taken off his own , so Charlotte kicked off hers and placed them next to his . The warm parquet floor felt strangely homely beneath her bare feet . The hallway led straight to a large living area with on one side a sitting room with a big TV and a large sofa and on the other side a modern wooden desk with a single big computer screen and a stack of papers . There were some small cabinets against the walls and most of them contained books . A small grey cat greeted Frederic as soon as he entered , purring and rubbing its head against his legs . It ran away when Charlotte bent over to scratch it behind its ears . Charlotte smiled . " Just like her master then . " She said , following him to the adjoining kitchen . Just like the living quarters , this room was neat and tidy , very different from how her own apartment had been . Frederic dropped the trolley on the kitchen 's tiled floor - he had been carrying it so it would not to track dirt inside - and started unloading its contents . Most of it went into the fridge , some things , like a fresh cabbage and the half - empty box of grapes , were left on the counter . Charlotte felt quite useless while she couldn 't help , so she occupied herself by looking around his kitchen . A big window opening into a small garden had pots of fresh herbs on the windowsill ; a stack of dirty dishes was left in a corner , waiting their turn in the dishwasher ; on a small separate table lay a collection of cooking books and in the middle of all that stood Frederic . He wore a chequered shirt above clean brown trousers and looked even more handsome in the light than he had before . " Can I help with anything ? " She asked after Frederic had dragged the trolley back to the hallway . " You can cut the grapes if you 'd like . " He replied . " Just cut them in half and the big ones in quarters . " He handed her a small kitchen knife and cutting board , while taking a bigger knife himself and promptly cutting the cabbage in half . Charlotte very rarely cooked herself . Most of her meals came prepared from the store , kept frozen and only needed to be heated to eat . It felt satisfying to work in the kitchen , though she could not help herself eating a few more of the sweet grapes as she cut them . Next to her she heard the steady chop - chop of Frederic cutting the cabbage into thin slices . " Do you always cook yourself ? " She asked him . " I mean ; do you ever eat premade meals ? " " Oh , I do have some pizza 's in the freezer . " He replied . " But I find cooking relaxing , even if it 's just for myself . It is some time away from the TV or my computer . " Charlotte smiled . Frederic sounded so … responsible . If it was up to her , she would have already been in the sofa with her feet up eating pizza while watching yet another TV - series from beginning to end . Finished with cutting the grapes she added them to the bowl in which Eric had already collected the cabbage . She then watched him put a frying pan on the fire and add chopped up pieces of bacon . The kitchen filled quickly with its recognizable and oh so tasty smell . While the bacon turned crispy above the fire , Eric added nuts , dried fruits and some dressing to the sliced cabbage . He handed her two plates and some cutlery and ordered her to set the table . The large kitchen table with four sturdy wooden chairs - and room for more - stood at the other side of the room . Charlotte wondered if Frederic often invited people for dinner , the table - like the rest of his home - seemed too big for one man alone . She placed the plates so that they would be seated facing each other . " Please sit . " Frederic said as he mixed the bacon in with the salad and placed the bowl on the table . Somehow he had found time to grab a wicker basket with bread and a pot of butter as well . " What would you like to drink ? " He asked her . " I don 't have much . I usually just drink water or a bit of wine , but I have some orange juice as well . " " I 'll have what you 're having . " Charlotte said . She already felt he was going too much out of his way for her . The salad - bowl stood enticingly before her and she couldn 't wait to taste it . Too hungry to be embarrassed Charlotte did as he said and filled her plate . She was just putting some butter on her bread as Frederic placed a small glass of white wine beside her plate and seated himself in front of her . " Bon appetite ! " He said . Finished with his dinner , Erik leaned back in his chair and observed the girl he had invited into his home . They hadn 't talked much while eating . She had told him she liked the wine and had complimented him on the salad . He had responded by saying he had just thrown something together , but had particularly enjoyed the grapes . What was left of them anyway … At some point his cat - Shirine - had joined them . She had even jumped on the table , though he had promptly put her back down . She was now meowing and begging for their attention from beneath their chairs . Charlotte absentmindedly scratched her behind the ears as she looked out the window at the rain rattling against the glass . That had started some time ago and he had seen her staring outside often ever since . " I can drive you home if you want . " Eric said . " You don 't want to go out in weather like this . " Charlotte looked from the window to him . " I don 't have anywhere to go . " She said it with a voice so quiet he could barely hear . He did not know what to answer , but suddenly things started to become clear to him . Why she 'd been alone in the park , hungry and crying . All she had with her was a small purse and the dress she wore . He should 've realized it before . Her dress was cute and modern , a dark blue and reached halfway down her thighs . But it was very wrinkled and Eric wondered whether she had already spent a night outside in it . " I have a guestroom ; you could spend the night if you want ? " He said . " I always keep it ready in case I have guests , so it wouldn 't be any trouble . " Charlotte looked at him with wide eyes . " Yes , please . Thank you ! " She said . She sounded as if he 'd offered the world to her and tears appeared in the corners of her eyes . Eric felt slightly uncomfortable and stood up clearing his throat . " Let me show you . " He said . Unsure of what else to do , he decided to show her around . " Four . " Eric replied . " There 's my bedroom and the hobby room on the first floor and the guest room and an oversized pantry on the second floor . There 's also a bathroom on the first floor in case you need it or want to shower . " He told her . There wasn 't much to see in the guest room . There was a neatly made two - person bed and an old wardrobe empty except for an old chest at the bottom , the window looked out at the street out front . They were quickly headed down again . " Is this the bathroom ? " Charlotte asked as they passed it on the first floor . " I could really use a shower . " She said with a blush . Eric showed her where to find fresh towels and returned to the kitchen alone . As he cleared away the dishes his thoughts were with the cute girl showering in his bathroom and all the vivid imagery that came with such thoughts . ' She 's a poor girl in need of your help . Try to be a gentleman . ' He scolded himself . He banished any further thoughts of soft , bare skin assaulted by streams of hot , steaming water and covered in white foamy soap ; instead he piled the dishes on the dishwasher and retreated to his living room with a book . He had been reading this one for a couple of days and easily lost himself in the story . He was able to forget about the girl he had ' rescued ' for a while , until he heard her come back down the stairs . She wore a white towel like a turban on her head and one of his old bathrobes , though he had to admit she looked a lot cuter in them than he ever had . " Not at all . " Eric replied . He put away the book and moved over in the sofa . Shirine had already taken her favourite spot on the armrest . The thoughts he had banished before came back unbiddingly as the robe did little to hide her magnificent figure . " Would you like me to turn on the TV ? " He asked , more to distract himself than her . " Oh no . " Charlotte replied . " I didn 't want to interrupt your reading . " She didn 't sit , but looked at him with an odd look in her eyes . Charlotte placed herself next to him as Eric grabbed the TV 's remote from the coffee table . She sat closer than necessary in the large sofa and her legs , bared beneath the short robe brushed against his . " I just wanted to thank you for everything you 've done . " She said softly . " Please don 't mention it . " Eric said . " I 'm glad I could help . " The TV turned on with a loud noise and Charlotte rested comfortably against his shoulder . She felt warm to his touch and smelled of fresh soap . An old movie was playing and they watched it in silence . Eric had trouble concentrating on the movie as he was constantly reminded of her presence beside him . Many thoughts whirled through his mind : ' put your arm around her shoulders ' , ' how soft would those creamy thighs feel beneath my fingers ' , ' she smells so nice ' , ' is she wearing anything beneath that robe ' , ' why is she sitting so close ' , ' should I try to kiss her ' … . But he did none of those things and in the end felt it was for the best ; it would have been inappropriate of him to take advantage of her , as vulnerable as she was right now . When the movie ended , they went upstairs together . He wished Charlotte goodnight as he entered his bedroom and she continued up the stairs to the guest room on the second floor . By KC Perrin Tall , dark trees surrounded Emily as she woke . Their bare branches seemed to be reaching down towards her , grasping , flailing . She did not know where she was . It was dark and the forest that surrounded her was unfamiliar ; there seemed to be nothing but trees wherever she looked . The light by which she could see seemed to be coming from nowhere . Emily had vague memories of going to bed in her home in the city ; but out here , her only bed was a soft mound of moss . It was strangely warm , in this empty , silent place . This unnatural silence and the strange darkness hiding behind the trees scared her . Emily was afraid to move from where she had been sleeping ; but the longer she waited , the more vulnerable she felt . She was naked . She remembered taking off her clothes before going to bed ; another vague memory that did not align with her current situation . An eerie , deep voice suddenly broke the silence . " It is okay . You can come out now . " It said . Emily blushed and covered her naked body with her hands ; but there was nowhere to hide from this strong , masculine voice . " Don 't be afraid , nothing can hurt you here . " It appealed . Emily turned around , facing the direction the voice seemed to come from . The trees seemed less menacing there ; their branches lush and covered with leafs . She chose to follow the warm , welcoming voice rather than fleeing into the dark row of trees . The forest lost some of its warmth as Emily left the mound of moss and strode towards the greener part of the woods . " That 's it . " The voice said . " Come to me . " A silhouette appeared between the trees ahead of her . Emily stopped . With one arm , she covered her breasts , the hand on the other her crotch . " Who are you ? " She asked . " Where am I ? " " Don 't be ashamed . " The voice said . " I am here to help you . " The silhouette moved towards her through the trees . It was a man of indistinguishable age ; broad at the shoulders and narrow at the hips . His hair was long and black as the night sky , his eyes nearly as dark . He was as naked as she was , his skin was dark and stretched taut across his muscles . A tuft of dark black hair grew above his member ; it was as large as only the most well - endowed of men could boast . He stepped towards her , unashamed of his nudity . The man reached her and placed his hands on her shoulders . " It 's okay . " He said . " I know this must be confusing for you ; but you can trust me . " He looked down into her eyes . His hands were warm and welcoming . Looking up at this man , his naked body so close to hers , Emily felt oddly comforted . She relaxed , her arms slipping down as she gave up her effort in hiding her body from sight . It felt hypocritical to hide her nudity while he flaunted his . " What 's your name ? " She asked him . The man let go of her arms . " My name can be whatever you want it to be . " He said . " I am here only for you . I came to guide you to the other side . " " The other side of what ? " Emily asked . The man moved away from her , expecting her to follow him . " Do you really not have a name ? What shall I call you then ? " She called after him . The man moved silently through the forest . Emily followed him hesitantly . He was the only thing she knew was real , she had felt his warm hands on her shoulders . The rest : the trees , the ground , the dark sky ; it all seemed far away , somehow disconnected from the two of them and their short journey . She did not give him a name , not until she knew what he was . The darkness changed . Light was shining somewhere up ahead . There were voices too , people moving between the trees , for now still too far for them to see her . Emily slowed , afraid of these strangers . The man she followed had led her to a dark , deep river . " They can 't see you . " The man said . " They don 't know where you are . " Emily approached the river . The others turned to watch her , but they did not come closer . She wondered if they were naked like her , but she could not see them clearly in the darkness . " You must swim across . " The man told her . " It 's the only way you can reach the other side . " |
We fucked up . We all know it , despite the fact that the others don 't want to admit it . The whole night was a series of fuck - ups , starting with Kerby and his stupid bottle of Latvian tequila - it didn 't occur to him to wonder why the stuff was in the discount bin , did it ? ( Dumber than a sack of hammers , as grandpa used to say . ) And then we had Demetria and her chemistry experiments , and the rest of us fool enough to swallow whatever she handed us . ( Demetria always acted like she was smarter than everybody else , which was annoying enough , but the kick of it was , with this bunch , she was probably right . ) Plus there was that kid in the ratty jacket , Zack or Zacky or something , who 'd started hanging around with us for no reason I could figure , who hardly said anything , and always looked like he either wanted to cry or fall asleep . He didn 't touch Kerby 's counterfeit tequila , or any of Demetria 's assortment of shit , but he was fucked up plenty without outside help . Something about his eyes . He looked at things too closely . Idiotic things , like an ashtray or a tube of lip balm . Like he expected them to do something , change colors , sprout fangs and leap at his throat . ( Clearly a mental case . ) Then Hannah showed up , pissed off at her brother , and after that there was nothing between us and total upfuckery except our own good sense , and we didn 't have any . Except maybe that Zacky kid , when we found the old man . But that was later . He went along with the rest of it the same as all of us , even after the cats showed up . " The cats were real , " he said to me the next time I saw him , a week , maybe ten days after that night . " If nothing else , the cats were real . " He didn 't ask me what happened once he 'd left . I didn 't tell him . I 've seen him on the street since , in passing , but I only talked to him that once . I 'm not excusing myself from any of it . I was the one who said to Hannah , about her brother , " You ought to do something to get him back , " and I didn 't raise any objections when she got all quiet for a minute , and then all excited , and then started jabbering in her mile - a - minute manner : Yeah , yeah , yeah , she knew exactly what she was going to do , listen , guys , listen , this is great , we 're going to go to his place , listen to this , it 's perfect , you guys gotta come with me , we 're going to get him good . I can 't even remember for sure exactly why she was pissed off at her brother that time . Hannah was always getting into it with him , screaming at him on the phone , complaining to us about shit he 'd done , or she thought he 'd done . Once we were in the park and her brother came walking up on the bike path and Hannah picked up a rock and chucked it at him . Missed . Which I guess was a good thing . He just laughed at her and kept walking . Her brother was pretty much a douche bag as far as I could tell , but it wasn 't like Hannah was getting any prizes for interpersonal communication . That night , I think it was something about a box of their mother 's stuff that he was supposed to give her , but which wound up with their cousin or some shit , because the cousin had a house and could store it , but I wouldn 't swear to it . Anyway , it was the same flavor of crap he always pulled on her , promising this or that and then denying he 'd ever said any such thing , breaking commitments , brushing her off . " Okay , okay , " Kerby said . He was sprawled out on the sofa , taking up the whole damn thing , like he usually did , so that Demetria and I got the crappy chairs . The kid with the ratty jacket was sitting on the floor , in the corner , arms around his knees , as still as a gargoyle . ( This wasn 't unusual for him . ) " Your brother 's a dick . " " You want anything ? " Demetria asked . She was laughing at Hannah without letting it show big , just quirking her lip a bit . Demetria did that a lot . Used to do that a lot . To all of us . " Listen ! " Hannah 's eyes blazed . She was pacing , and had her hands up like she was about to catch a basketball . " We 're going to go to his place , right ? " It was . It was , indeed . I 'd only had a little of Demetria 's new stuff , but my head was buzzing , and even before Hannah showed up , I was telling myself that I was going to be sorry tomorrow . And that was a factor in what happened . We all knew we were going to be sorry tomorrow anyway , and being sorry for two things didn 't seem that much heavier than being sorry for one . Real smart thinking , that . " So this is breaking and entering ? " I asked . Not protesting , merely wanting to be clear on the particulars . That zoomed right past Hannah , who had gone straight on to picturing the scene when her brother returned and discovered this . " He 'll freak . He 'll absolutely freak . He won 't know what the fuck happened . He 'll be running around going , ' What the fuck ? What the fuck ? ' He 'll be looking for his left shoes everywhere . Nobody 's touching anything else , okay ? We 're going to leave the place exactly the way it is . He 'll go mental . " " Hah , " Kerby said . He was grinning . Hannah was grinning . Demetria rolled her eyes a little , but she nodded and showed her teeth , too . I thought , why not , it 'll be a funny story to tell someday . The kid in the corner didn 't smile , but then I don 't think I ever saw him smile once the whole time he was hanging out with us . " And even if he figures out it was me , " Hannah rattled on , " what 's he going to do ? Call the cops , say all his left shoes got stolen ? They 'll think he 's a nutjob . It 's perfect . And if he doesn 't figure out it was me , I 'm going to fucking tell him . Right to his face . Like , ' Yeah , how do you feel now ? How do you like getting fucked over , you fuck ? ' Right ? " " You guys are going to come with me , right ? You 're going to help me out , right ? Come on , come on you guys , you 're going to do this with me , right ? " " Yeah , okay , " Kerby said . He tried to sit up , and had a bit of difficulty until he remembered that it would be easier if he got his feet off the armrest of the sofa and on the floor first . " Man . Right , Hannah , right . It 'll be great . We 're with you . " And this is just how fucked up we were when we fucked up the first time , when we all agreed that Hannah 's junior high school , forget high school , junior high school prank was , okay , not a swell idea , maybe , but something the rest of us could get behind , without voicing a single doubt , without investing even thirty seconds into talking her out of it - nobody thought to bring a bag . Any kind of bag . Not even the one from the liquor store , with the big yellow smiley face on it , that was lying there on the floor in plain sight . We were going to go steal a bunch of shoes . We didn 't think about where we were going to put them , how we were going to carry them . We all just got to our feet , more or less - Kerby had the most trouble - and followed Hannah out the door , and down the stairs , and out of the building . The darkness surprised Demetria , who shook her head , then got her phone out to check the time . She muttered something I didn 't catch . The kid with the ratty jacket said , " Time 's funny , sometimes , " and she gave him this narrow - eyed look , like she thought he was making fun of her . He didn 't say anything else . " I 'll drive , " Hannah said , and Kerby had his head straight enough to not even try to argue ; he just handed her the keys . Five people in his little shitbox was a squeeze , but we were only going about a mile . I was in the middle of the back seat , and Demetria managed to stick her elbow in my ribs , but the Zack kid got the worst of it , just about flattened against the left - side door . In the front , Hannah kept burbling , and she ran a couple of stop signs , but no red lights , thank fuck . Kerby just laughed . Hannah 's brother lived in one of two identical buildings , the sort of old heaps you didn 't see a lot of any more , six - floor walkups , eight apartments on each floor . The two buildings were separated by a narrow courtyard , where the super kept the garbage and recycling bins , and in which the smaller kids whose parents had washed up in one or the other crumbing structure rode tricycles or kicked a ball around . Hannah parked two blocks away . I 'd forgotten until we got to Consolation Boulevard that her brother 's building was across the street from the police station . The kid in the ratty jacket glanced up and down the street . Saturday night , there were only a couple of cop cars parked outside the shop , the rest of them being on patrol , or down by the river where the condos and the taxpayers lived . But this street was quiet . There were a lot of older folks , if I remembered right from the previous occasion Hannah had dragged me there . Something to do with her brother , naturally . She wanted to give him something , that time . I had no idea why , or what , even . She was clutching this manila envelope with a lump in it , and all she would say was , " It 's his , so he should have it . It 's only fair . " We rang the bell , and rang the bell , and then we waited on the steps outside for over an hour , until I got fed up and said I had other things to do , and left her there . A couple of old people went in or came out of the building while we were waiting , and they smiled and nodded at us , real pleasant and friendly . In front of the twin building a few steps down , a mother with three kids , one of them in a stroller , chatted to a friend of hers , something about their trabajo . You know . The sort of people who didn 't mind living across the street from a police station . Who didn 't mind the occasional siren , or the cop cars sometimes parking on the sidewalk , because they figured if any street in town would be avoided by burglars and old - lady - bashers and kiddie - snatchers , it had to be that one . I wondered how Hannah 's shithead brother had fiddled his way into the building in the first place . The kid Zack kept looking around . Demetria must have thought that he was nervous about the cop shop , because she gave him a shove and said , " Be cool . " But he hadn 't been staring across the street . He 'd been looking up and down this one . " Yeah . " She was buzzing , almost vibrating . She started to giggle . " Numbnuts hides his keys behind the library when he goes out drinking . I saw him . " It was news to all of us that there was a library up the street , but we trailed along after her , and sure enough , there was the public library , and a pretty damn massive one , too , built in the old show - off style , with brass do - dads and do - dahs on the doors and stairs going up forever , and plaques all over the façade to immortalize the names of the politicians in office when the freaking thing was built , and dedicated , and rededicated , and all that crap . Hannah disappeared into an unlit space between the library and the next building . Not an alley , exactly . More of a gap sort of thing . The rest of us looked at each other and stayed put , though that Zacky kid frowned . We heard her rooting around behind a big metal container that it took me a moment to figure out was the box you were supposed to put books in when you wanted to return them and the library was closed . " You know , " Demetria said , quietly , " it 'd be better for her if she could just let it go . Walk away . Forget about her brother , forget she even has a brother . Decide he doesn 't exist , and just get on with her life . " I remember that she said that . It stuck with me , because Demetria never talked about her family . If somebody , I mean someone who didn 't know her very well , tried to push her on the subject , she 'd go all stony . The rest of us had learned a long time ago not to go near the topic . " Ha ! " Hannah shouted , from behind the book return box . " Got them ! " She ran out , jingling the keys over her head , and grinning all over her face . It was too late for that , though we didn 't know it yet . " Right , " Hannah said . " Okay , you guys , just follow me . " The kid didn 't say anything . Meanwhile , we were all walking back toward 2221 . I was already thinking that when we were done with this little caper , Hannah was going to talk our ears off for hours , rehashing every single second a thousand times . Hours ? This was going to become one of her favorite stories . She was going to be bringing it up every time we got together . But you had to put up with crap like that from your friends , even if it made you crazy sometimes . Why the hell else were we all there with her in the first place , doing this dumbass thing ? Because we were her friends . The cats were already pacing us . I didn 't notice the first one . Or the second one . Who pays attention to a couple of stray cats ? The kid in the ratty jacket , though , he saw them . We were between the buildings , between 2223 and 2221 , just about where the street entrance to the courtyard was , when Zack stopped . Of course we didn 't pay attention to him , either . He was just this strange kid who always wore the same clothes and stared at commonplace things with a lunatic intensity . When he wasn 't giving the impression of either being just about to fall asleep , or burst into tears , that is . I never did figure him out . Once , I asked Kerby how come that kid had started hanging around us , anyway , and he said he 'd tagged along after Demetria one day , but Demetria said it was Kerby who met him first , in Adams Park . " Wait , " Zack said . " Wait . " And he said it louder than any of us had ever heard him speak before , and so we did stop , and swiveled our heads to glare at him , because who the fuck was he to tell us to wait ? And then we saw the cats . Dozens of them . Behind us , in front of us , on all side of us . And above us as well , on ledges , on fire escapes . And they were all eyeballing us , every single one of them . One cat slinked forward , into the little pool of grainy light from the street lamp a couple of yards away . The kid eased forward , too , sliding between Hannah and Demetria , so that he and the cat were facing each other , so to speak . The cat didn 't look at all special . Black and white , skinny , a bit on the small side . Hannah made to move on , to the steps leading up to the front door of 2221 , but I put a hand on her arm . And that was the second time we fucked up . Talking cats ? Anyone with sense would have run like hell to the car , gone back to Kerby 's place , and finished off his crap tequila . Plus everything else Demetria still had on her . But sense was something none of us possessed that night . Zack said , " That wasn 't about Hannah 's brother . That was about something else , " so clearly he had some kind of a clue , but he came with us up the steps , and waited silently while Hannah worked out which key unlocked the front door , and the which key fit the inner door , while Kerby and Demetria kept cursing under their breaths and telling her to get a move on . Once we were inside , Hannah put her finger to her lips . The stairs were at the far end of the corridor . " Fifth floor , " she whispered . Kerby groaned . Demetria pinched him , which only made him go , " Ow ! " loudly . Of course it was a walkup building . All those old piles of shit were . And of course we stumbled and swore and bumped into each other , and all of us except the damn kid were out of breath by the third floor , and once Hannah dropped the keys . They clattered down almost an entire flight before Zack , who was bringing up the rear , caught up with them . I was surprised nobody poked their head out of any of the apartments to ask what the blazes was going on , or even yelled out from behind a closed ( and barred , and deadbolted , I bet ) door to keep it down . Maybe they were all quietly speed - dialing the nice cops across the street . Or maybe they just figured we were Hannah 's dickhead brother and some of his friends , staggering home somewhat earlier than usual for a Saturday night . We made it to the fifth floor without Kerby having a heart attack , or me passing out , or the neighborhood watch ( probably two old ladies and a guy with a cane and a yappy dog ) swarming us . Hannah was panting , but still grinning . She waved us on . " This is it , this is the one . " The doors on this floor were all painted an ugly shade of green that reminded me of the color of plastic limes . They all looked the same , except for the numbers . No decorations , nothing personal on any of them . We had a couple of moments when we thought Hannah had mixed up the apartments , because the first key she tried didn 't work , and the second one didn 't , either . But then she got the bottom lock to turn , and eventually , by an extensive process of elimination ( trying every damn key on the ring , including the ones for the outside doors , including ones she 'd already tried three or four times ) that made Demetria not only roll her eyes again , but start tapping her foot , Hannah hit on the key that opened the top lock . Her brother 's place was a lot nicer than Kerby 's . Bigger , art on the wall , an entertainment center , furniture that hadn 't been salvaged from curbsides . He wasn 't the neatest guy in the world , though . Dirty plates on the table , mail tossed on the floor , stains on the walls and dust in the corners . Filthy windows . I went over to look out . Since the lights were on in the room , I had to put my nose against the glass and shade my eyes in order to see anything . His windows faced the courtyard . The first time I looked out , I didn 't see anything but garbage cans and shadows . " Don 't touch anything , " Hannah said . " Right ? Don 't mess any of this shit up . We got to make it look like nobody 's been here . He 's going to go nuts trying to find the shoes . He 's going to be thinking it 's impossible anybody took them , right , when the place is just like he left it . It 'll be like a mystery . " " I don 't know how many pairs he has . Lots , okay ? He likes shoes . He 's got tons . Every time I see the fucker , he 's wearing a new pair . " Just about that time , it finally occurred to me that we hadn 't brought anything along to haul the shoes away in . " We 're going to need a bag , " I said . " I 'll check the kitchen . " Which probably meant once . Twice , tops . When we entered , we 'd stepped directly into the living room . From where I was standing by the windows , I could see the kitchen , which was separated from the room with the couch and the flatscreen and the natural - wood table and the matching straight - backed chairs with matching blue cushions on them by a counter that ran three - quarters of the length of the room , topped with tile that was meant to look like marble . I couldn 't see any doors , but there had to be at least two - the bathroom and the bedroom . " Okay , Hannah , " I said . " Why don 't you check the bedroom . I 'll just go over there to the kitchen area , and look for a bag . He 's got to have some . I won 't disturb anything , I promise . " " The bedroom , " Hannah mumbled . " Right . The bedroom . " She wasn 't grinning anymore . She wasn 't pacing around , acting out basketball moves . She gazed at the entertainment center , with its stereo and iPod cradle and TV and X - box and stacks of DVDs and games and even CDs , all jumbled up together , and an expression came over her face , very much like the one dogs get the second before they spring at you . " I bet he loves this stuff more than he loves his shoes . " " You stay here , " Hannah said . Louder . Almost in her normal voice . " I got this . " She turned away from the entertainment center , glanced at the kitchen , then moved left , around the counter . Past the cabinets , there was a narrow hallway I hadn 't noticed . No , I 'd noticed it , but I 'd thought it was an alcove , a breakfast nook type of thing . Hannah disappeared down the hall , and after a moment another light came on . " We all want companionship in the dark . " He stared at a spot on the floor . Looked like a cigarette burn to me . " Mostly . " He kept guard on the cigarette burn while we listened to Hannah thump around in what I hoped was the bedroom . I hoped Hannah hadn 't gotten detoured and decided to dump out all her brother 's shampoo and aftershave and whatnot into the bathroom sink . " Hannah 's getting a little over - agitated . Even for her . Once she gets the shoes , we 're hauling ass out of here , " I said . " Everybody agree ? " Nods all around . Kerby had his grin back on his face . Demetria looked bored , but then Demetria enjoyed looking bored . Used to enjoy looking bored . Even the kid bobbed his head . For a minute there , I thought everything was going to work out , we were going to get the shoes and boogie , and Hannah was going to call her brother and laugh at him ( probably before he even got home ; she had the patience of a grasshopper on meth ) , and that would be that . " All right , take it easy ! " She had the same look in her eye she had the time this perv in a car , a station wagon , really , waved her over , acting like he needed directions , and then asked her if she 'd like to come over to his place to make a video . Hannah punched the guy 's windshield , then reached in through the driver 's side window to try to grab him by the throat . The perv tore out of there like there was an army of zombies after him , and Demetria and me had to take Hannah to the ER to get her hand X - rayed . Kerby missed that little bit of drama . When we told him about it later , Hannah with her hand wrapped up in an ace bandage and shit , me and Demetria still shaking slightly from the adrenaline OD , he laughed like it was the funniest thing he 'd heard in his life , little Hannah hulking out on some asshole in a station wagon . " Hannah , " Demetria said . She was trying to keep her cool , at least . And at least act like some serious shit was going down . " Let 's just stick to the plan , okay ? " I opened the window . Twisted the latches , shoved the window up . I knew if I didn 't , Hannah would hurl herself against the glass again . And again . Until she broke it . Saturday night in the ER , I was thinking . Not the most appealing place to wind up . So yeah , I was thinking more about me then , not her , not her brother , not the stupid shoes . I wanted another hit of Demetria 's new recipe . I wanted to be home in bed . I wanted to zip back in time and take back what I 'd said to Hannah about getting even with her brother . The only one of those things I had any chance of getting was more of Demetria 's stuff , but that was going to have to wait . Hannah threw the shoes out the window . Even from the fifth floor , I could hear them thud and thunk as they hit the concrete of the courtyard below . Then she strode back through the kitchen and into the narrow hall . Demetria and Kerby seemed determined to pretend that the encounter with the cats hadn 't happened . Later , Kerby claimed that he didn 't remember anything after we all got into his car . That might even have been true , since when we got back to his place , he immediately killed the rest of the bottle of knockoff tequila in three long gulps . " No , " I said . " No , you 're not . That 's it . Fun 's over . Come on , you guys . Let 's go . " Me , the voice of reason . It wasn 't exactly a first , but it was rare enough . The kid nodded , and Demetria stepped toward her , lifting her hand , like she was going to try to take Hannah by the arm . It was human . I never had any doubt about that . It was a human voice , a man 's voice , high and wobbly . It wasn 't a cry of pain . Not physical pain . It was a cry of despair . It went on for a full minute , or at least it felt like it did . Zack shook his head , and kept backing away . Hannah pushed past him , grabbed the window sill , and leaned out . " Hey , " she shouted . " What 's your problem ? " Hannah had a good lead on us , though , and what with Kerby more than a little wobbly and Demetria and me not tremendously eager for a confrontation with some tenant who was probably going to call the law down on us , we didn 't exactly hurry . The kid came with us , bringing up the rear . I turned to look at him once . Even when we were all hanging out , just fucking around and bullshitting , half the time he looked like he was on the verge of crying . When he didn 't look like he was about to fall asleep . But that time on the stairs , he had for - real tears in his eyes . We knew Hannah was heading for the courtyard . Where else was she going to go ? And it didn 't really matter that she got so far in front of us that we lost sight of her ; we could hear her footsteps clattering on the steps as she ran down . The concept of stealth had taken a leave of absence from her brain . And still nobody cracked a door to see what the ruckus was about , and nobody , except for the man who 'd cried out in the courtyard , seemed to care that a bunch of idiots were in the building at all . Even at the time , that struck me as strange . Hannah had made a hell of a lot of noise chucking those shoes , and she was making even more noise now on the stairs . Where were the insomniac old ladies , where were the busybodies with the yappy little dogs ? Kerby paused on the second floor landing to catch his breath . Or to stop his head from spinning . Or both . " Don 't you dare puke , " I said . " I 'll tell you what you are going to do , " Demetria said . And she sounded real sure . In charge . The way she liked to act . The way she used to like to act . " You 're going to get hold of Hannah , and we 're going to get the keys . Your car keys , and her fuckhead brother 's keys . And you 'll carry her to the car if you have to . And if she kicks and screams , you 're just going to take it , got that ? " She glanced at me . " You okay to drive ? " So that was the plan , and it wasn 't a bad plan . It was a pretty good plan , really , for a bunch of fuckups who hadn 't any real clue how to live like grownups to come up with while trying not to trip over their own feet , or vomit , or pass out from hyperventilating . That last one would be me . We were all in such crappy shape it wasn 't funny . I didn 't look at the kid again , but I knew he was behind us . Didn 't hear him panting . Didn 't hear him crying , either . I figured that when we got to the courtyard , it was going to be him , not Kerby , who would actually be able to grab hold of Hannah and keep her pinned long enough for us to get the keys . We made it out of the building , and we got to the narrow entryway to the courtyard , with the stupid little arch over it . We couldn 't hear Hannah anymore . Or anything else . Nobody yelling . No cats yowling . Or giving advice . Not even the wind . It was like the world had stopped . Demetria went in first , like the leader she thought she was , then me and Kerby . Zack was behind us . He was with us up until we spotted the old man . It was hard to see anything at first . There were no lights in the courtyard , and all the windows that faced out on it were dark . Except for the windows of Hannah 's brother 's place . Nobody had remembered to turn the lights off when we went after her . But a couple of illuminated windows up on the fifth floor didn 't help for shit . We saw Hannah at last , because she moved . Jumped , really . Backwards , a good eight inches at least . The way you spring back when you realize you 're about to stick your foot into something with teeth . Kerby giggled . I didn 't see what she 'd leaped away from . Couldn 't see any of the shoes she 'd thrown out the window , either , though she must have chucked more than a dozen . The light was really bad . Worse than it should have been . The two buildings blocked the street lights , but there should have been some light coming in from above . Lights from taller buildings . Or even some fucking starlight . " Hannah , " Demetria called . Not loudly , but loud enough that Hannah had to have heard her . " You okay ? " Hannah didn 't answer . She had her back to us . She was shaking her head . Naturally we assumed she was shaking her head at us . Demetria tapped Kerby on the elbow . " Okay , we 're going to do this now . " She gave him a shove to get him moving , and we all advanced into the courtyard . Kerby wasn 't super - enthusiastic about the role assigned to him . He kept trying to hang back , and Demetria kept pushing him forward . Again , I figured we were going to need the kid to step up when Kerby flubbed it , so I jerked my head around to check his position . I thought he meant Kerby . Who else ? But Zacky had seen the old man . Thinking back , it 's possible he might have seen him from the window of Hannah 's brother 's apartment . That kid had weird eyes . And weirder shit going on behind those eyes . From five floors up , had he really seen the old man crouching on what was not concrete anymore , but dirt ? It took me a damn long time to realize the courtyard had changed . I don 't think Kerby and Hannah ever did notice . Had he seen that the old guy was holding something in his hands , hunched over it like a little kid trying to protect his most favoritest toy from being snatched away ? Hannah was sort of jumping up and down , like she was trying to shake ants off her legs . Demetria shoved Kerby again , and he took a step , but then stopped . Demetria stopped , too . They 'd caught sight of the old man . I hadn 't , yet . I was too busy being pissed off at the kid . " I 'm sorry , " he said again . He sounded utterly miserable . Not that I gave a shit at that point . I just wanted to grab Hannah and the car keys and get the hell out of there . " I can 't … I can 't do it . It hurts too much . " But I think , now , it was all real . Maybe not all of it was real in the same way , but it was all real in some way . That 's how I manage to get my head around it , to deal with what happened . Kerby says he doesn 't remember anything , and Hannah just goes evasive if I bring up the subject . " Shit , " I said , when the kid ran off . " Who are you ? " Demetria said , and of course I didn 't know what the fuck she was talking about . When I turned back to them , she 'd moved a few steps in front of Kerby . Hannah was still doing her twitchy dance . Kerby was just standing there like a lump . I heard the old man before I saw him . Later , naturally , I realized it must have been him who 'd let out that long shaky cry that we 'd heard on the fifth floor . But the first words I heard him speak were , " Can you forgive me ? " I moved closer , circling around the others . For some reason , I didn 't want to get too near any of them . I think it was then that I noticed the dirt . I knew the floor of the courtyard hadn 't been dirt before . The first time I 'd come along with Hannah , a little kid had been riding his tricycle in there , on concrete . Tonight , when I 'd glanced in through the entryway , before we 'd even trailed Hannah up the block to the library , I 'd seen the garbage and recycling bins lined up against the interior wall . I didn 't see them now . I didn 't see any of the shoes Hannah had thrown , either . This was something different than it just being dark in the courtyard . Something had changed , or something had … stopped hiding . Stopped concealing itself . Of course we were all fucked up , still fucked up . You couldn 't have trusted any of us to operate heavy machinery , or add up a column of numbers with a piece of paper and a pencil . Hannah was blind with rage , and the rest of us were just blind stupid . Except the kid , and he was gone . And except , maybe , Demetria . " What have you done ? " she asked , quietly . Gently , almost . Which was not her usual mode at all . " Why do you need forgiveness ? " I could see who she was talking to now . The old man , kneeling on the dirt , holding something in his hands , hunched over it protectively . It was so dark in the courtyard I could barely make out Demetria 's face , but I saw him clearly . White hair , white hands , shabby brown clothes . I shouldn 't have been able to see brown . I shouldn 't have been able to see the cracks in the leather of his boots , or the creases like old scars on his skin . But I did . And if it had been me talking to him and not Demetria , I probably would have said something empty and meaningless , like , I 'm sure you haven 't . Because that 's what you do , right ? People tell you some desperately awful thing , and you go , There , there , it 's not that bad , you 're making too much of it , it 's probably nothing . Even when , like with that old guy , it was most definitely something . I wished I couldn 't see him so clearly . Naked despair makes you want to turn away . Makes you want to close your eyes . Or say something stupid to pretend it isn 't there . Demetria said , " A lot of people could say the same thing . " She wasn 't being sarcastic , or flip , or superior . She spoke to him gently . Compassionately . And Demetria never did that . " I used to have a friend , " the old man said . " She would come to visit me from time to time , to make sure I was all right . Sometimes she brought me food . Little cakes from that bakery on Hinson Street . I liked those cakes . She doesn 't come anymore . " Hannah had quit hopping about so much , but she was still wired . Confusion just generated more fury in her . " You weren 't here before . What are you doing here ? Where are the shoes ? " " I 'm always here . " The old guy looked down at whatever the hell it was he was holding in his hands . I could see him , I could see every wrinkle in his skin and every stain on his tattered brown clothes , but I couldn 't see what he held . " I 've been here since I was young . I used to have a friend . " Take care means be careful . Take care also means look after . Tend . Nurture . Or it could . But that was take care of , though , wasn 't it ? The cat had said Take care . As in watch out . Would the cats have stalked us , stopped us , talked to us , if Demetria had not been in our group ? We all saw the old man , but Demetria saw something more . I wish that kid Zack would quit avoiding me . He might not have all the answers , but I figure he 's got some of them . The way he kept staring at things , like he expected them to change . And he said the cats were real . I want to ask him why the cats gave a crap . I want to ask him if it was us who brought the old man and the dirt floor of the courtyard and the strange darkness into our reality that night by messing around with the stupid shoes , if the cats were warning us that our nonsense was going to have consequences . Or if they just knew that Demetria was vulnerable . I keep thinking that the next time I see the kid , I 'm going to follow him . See where he goes , see where he 's hanging out now . Make him talk to me . That night , the third time we fucked up was when we didn 't leave as soon as Kerby had bear - hugged Hannah . He just stood there , holding her . I was just as bad . Just as stupid . I should have moved . Should have gone to Demetria , pulled her away . I didn 't . None of us moved , or did anything , or said anything . " Your friend probably died , " she said . But not in a mean way , or a nasty way . Not the way she used to talk to us . " What else can I do ? " The old man glanced down at his hands again . I never saw what he was holding , but I think Demetria did . " I promised . It 's all been a waste , but I promised . " " Probably nothing . My whole life , for nothing . " " A lot of people can 't keep a promise for a day . Almost nobody can keep one for a lifetime . " " Anybody . Anybody . " He jerked his head up then , and looked at each of us , and we said nothing . I took a step back . His head sank again . " I used to have a friend , " he mumbled . Did we still have a chance , then ? One second , one instant , when we could have grabbed her and hauled her out of the courtyard ? I think about that a lot . I think that it had been too late for a long , long time , but we still should have tried . " Demetria , " I said . My voice sounded strange . The air smelled strange . I was still standing on dirt , but just to the right of me , the courtyard floor was turning back to concrete . She didn 't look at us . She didn 't say goodbye . She and the old man went into the darkness together , and when the starlight returned , there were shoes scattered all over the courtyard , and garbage bins along one wall , and a cheap - jack soccer ball some kid must have left behind , and nothing else . I 've been back since . Hannah 's brother spotted me once , and started yelling about breaking into his place , but that was the only trouble I 've had . The stray cats don 't give me a second glance . The courtyard is always an ordinary , narrow courtyard between two old buildings . Kids play in there . There is no bakery on Hinson Street . There isn 't even a Hinson Street anymore ; the city council changed the name years ago . Nobody 's come to talk to any of us about Demetria . Not officially . Not cops . Not family . ( That was no surprise . ) Some folks , yeah , they ask , what happened to that chemist chick , she skip town or something ? Kerby just says he doesn 't know , and Hannah goes , yeah , she moved , too bad , right ? She used to cook up some amazing shit . I can just about believe that Kerby really has no clear memories of that night . Hannah 's such a flake she 's convinced she put a good one over on her brother , and that 's the major thing she remembers . She got her brother good . It was a famous victory . Like that . If I try to get her to recall the cats , the old man , the fact that Demetria never left the courtyard , Hannah gets all vague . Yeah , there were cats , but so what ? There are always cats . Old man ? Yeah , there was an old guy that yelled at us for throwing the shoes out the window . Demetria ? Yeah , she … she went somewhere . She didn 't come back with us . And that 's as far as Hannah will go . That Demetria went somewhere . I go to the courtyard . In the daytime , I just glance in as I walk by . Or if there doesn 't seem to be anybody on the street , or looking out the windows , I step in quickly , but I don 't linger . Cop shop across the street , after all . Any tenant could call me in as a trespasser . It 's easier to sneak in at night . I pace the length and breadth of the area . I run my hands over the interior walls , over the littered concrete floor . Sometimes I call Demetria 's name . So the old man wasted his life holding something , protecting it . Something that he believed was probably pointless to safeguard , but he had promised to do it . What the thing is , who made him promise , why he said yes … I want to know this stuff . That Zacky kid might not be able to tell me , but I figure he can point me to someone who can . Demetria never liked sweets . Cakes , cookies , not her sort of thing . Pretzels , nuts , that was the kind of shit she liked . Salty crap . She saw what the old man was holding . Did it matter ? Did she think , right , sure , guarding this is not a waste of time , a waste of a life , or was it more : well , waste my life one way , waste my life another , what 's the difference ? Did she flip a coin in her head ? She left us . Yeah , it was our fault , going there to do such a stupid thing in the first place , not listening to the cats , not getting the hell out when the kid bailed , not stopping her when she went to the old man . We left her there , but she left us first . For a stranger . The old man isn 't going to last forever . Maybe Demetria didn 't think she needed a friend . Maybe she thought she 'd be better off on her own , free of losers like us . I think she 's wrong . I think she 's going to want a friend soon , someone to visit her once in a while , to bring her pretzels and nuts , to have a bit of conversation with . I 've got them , in my bag . Pretzels . A can of mixed nuts . And cupcakes , for the old man . Though he probably won 't like them . Store bought garbage , just lumps of artificial flavors and preservatives . I carry them around with me anyway . So the old guy won 't feel left out , when I find them . Because it feels like shit , being left out . I haven 't told Kerby and Hannah what I 'm doing . They wouldn 't understand . Or they wouldn 't care . No , I 'm wrong . And they wouldn 't care . I still hang out with them . We still waste our time getting fucked up and talking bullshit . Though Hannah says I 'm quieter than I used to be . And that I sit and stare at nothing . She laughs at me sometimes , though she says no , it was only that she thought of something funny . Which could be true , but not all of the time . I do my best to make eye contact with every cat , stray or otherwise , that I encounter . I visit the courtyard . I keep an eye out for Zack . The next time I see him , I will follow him and make him talk . One way or another , I am going to find Demetria again , and get her to understand that however much of a fuckup I may be , I am her friend . I don 't want her to be kneeling in that courtyard some day , all alone , not even muttering that she used to have a friend . It 's as good a way to waste my life as any other . I can think of worse ways . I just have to look at Kerby and Hannah , and dozen or two other people I know , for examples . " Hey . Hey . Did you hear what I said ? Man , you 're always in dreamland these days . " Hannah 's playing solitaire on her phone . She 's so out of it she 's dropped the thing twice already . Kerby 's sprawled on the sofa , like always . I thought he 'd been talking , not Hannah . Must 've lost a minute or two . I look at her and shrug . I guess she 's bored with her game , because she shrugs back , exaggeratedly . Mimicking me . Mocking me . You can skip to the end and leave a response . Pinging is currently not allowed . Read Nebula Nominated Fiction ! All the Flavors , by Ken Liu ( Novella , 2012 ) and delivered to you in 0 . 365 seconds using 33 queries . Theme : Connections Reloaded v2 . 1 by Ajay D ' Souza . Derived from Connections . Original graphics by Nicole Thayer . |
Derrick stirred in the morning light as it began to stream in through the large bedroom window at the foot of the bed . He lay on his back with his left arm up over and draped over the top of his head . He breathed in slowly through his nose and let it out as his eyes fluttered and he focused . He smiled softly to himself , as he lowered his arm and looked toward the other side of the bed , it was empty . He let out the breath as a slight sigh . He tossed back the sheet and swung his legs off the bed to sit up . He groaned deeply as he moved , the stitches in his side pulling , and the pain was tremendous . He put his right hand against the dressing , giving it some pressure and sat up . " That sounded like it hurt . " Ty said as he came through the bedroom door from the hall carrying two coffee cups . Derrick just looked up at him , panting slightly . " You 'd be surprised . " Ty smiled and then sipped from his own cup . " And just where do you think you 're going , mister ? " " Yeah , he was right . " Derrick said as he put his cup on the night stand . He slowly got to his feet , Ty grasping an arm , pulling him up . " I 'll be back in a minute . " Derrick said , only using his eyes to look at Ty , and walked slowly toward the bathroom , clutching his side . Ty watched the naked muscular butt walk away , almost licking his lips as he watched Derrick 's beautiful hard body from behind . Ty waited and when Derrick came back out , he walked a little better , and not clutching at the dressing . " You didn 't tell me that I looked like shit . " " Oh my God , babe , you 're at home , you 've been in a knife fight , sewn up , and really who gives a shit what you look like ? You 're lucky to be alive . So don 't be a prissy bitch , you can take a shower tonight , like he said , 24 hours , and just do the grunge thing for one day . Pretend its . . . camping , with . . . comforts . " " Wow , really ? " Derrick stood there , with a look that Ty wanted to bust up over . Ty pursed his lips to stop any laughter . " You kill me sometimes . " " Yeah , that 's why you love me . " Ty said , wiggling his eyebrows , then sipped more coffee . Derrick moaned a soft growl in his throat making Ty chuckle . " I have an idea , and if you 're a good boy , I 'll let you do it . " Ty said . " Good guess , but , . . . wrong . Don 't want to rip those stitches . No , I 'll give you something to do , besides , I really can 't tie you to the bed , and not feel guilty about it , you know ? " " Part of the charm . " Ty smiled . " I 'll be in the kitchen . Get something on . " Ty walked by and gently grabbed a cheek of Derrick 's firm butt , and then walked out of the room . Derrick just shook his head , watching him walk away . He went to the dresser and opened a drawer and pulled out a slender pair of low cut pajama bottoms and slipped them on , they rode just below his hips , and the thin tight fabric showed everything , and rode tight to his butt . Derrick loved these and how the fabric felt on his skin . He pulled out a tank top , that was kind of loose , and let it drop down him , he closed the drawer and slowly walked out , grabbing his coffee cup on the way . He came around the corner and saw Ty at the table , spreading out his drafting supplies on the table top . Derrick smiled at him . " Oh , something to keep you busy for a while . " Ty smiled . " Come and have a seat , and we can have a little talk about an idea that I had . " " Later , tiger . . . we got to be easy , remember ? You blowing me on the couch last night will have to do , until you lose the stiffness in your side . Damn . " Ty shook his head . " If I 'd have seen those , a couple of weeks ago , I 'd have moved in quicker . Why don 't you wear those to bed one night , and I can rip them off you ? " Ty wiggled his eyebrows . " You already have . " Derrick smirked as he pulled out the chair a little . He leaned forward and gave Ty a kiss . " You know , you could bend me over the table . . . " " Not a chance , mister . " Ty backed up a step . " Hands off , for a couple of days . " Ty shook a finger at him , raising an eyebrow . " Alright , " Derrick said as he eased into the chair , and sighed gently getting comfortable , " so tell me about this idea you have . " Derrick leaned on his left arm , on the arm of the chair . Ty sat down at the bench on Derrick 's left , setting his coffee cup down . " Let me ask you a question ? " Ty asked to begin with , " I know that you had designed the structure to be a garage , but then change the idea to a home office , " Derrick nodded at Ty 's words , " so what do you do when the snows come ? For the car , I mean ? " " I brush it off . " Derrick smiled briefly . " Sometimes when it gets deep , I have to shovel a bit . Being out here at the end of the road , I have to wait for the county plow trucks , but they usually come in the early morning , and I 'm up and out behind them . It 's a little bit of a pain in the ass , but I 've gotten used to it . " Derrick said . " Yeah , I bet it is . " Ty said , pursing his lips together , looking at Derrick . " I had this idea , and I wanted to run it by you , you can say no anytime . " Derrick looked him and narrowed his eyes . " You always park in the curved driveway out front . What if there was a structure there , like a carport , not a garage , but something that would keep the snow off the car , and make it easier to deal with getting out ? " " It 's funny you say that . There was an old carriage house out there when I bought the place . " Derrick smiled . " It was a single wide kind of garage building . It was leaning and falling down almost , and we put hands on it and basically pushed it down . Cut it up and hauled it away . Sad really to see it go down , but it was never built right in the first place . " " Yeah , it was sad for sure . " Derrick said remembering clearly the visual coming back to him . " It was so rotted and you could tell it was built wrong from the start . Better to put it out of its misery I guess . " Derrick paused for a long moment , and then brightened , looking at Ty . " So , what 's your idea ? " " So , a solid roof , but with open sides , " Derrick said as he grabbed a pencil and a small pad , and started to rough sketch for Ty . Ty smiled as he watched the pencil dance across the page , Derrick giving a dimensional look to what he was sketching . " Kind of like this ? " Derrick asked , but still moving the pencil on the page , Ty leaned a little closer . " Yeah , and then , some details that tie it to the house , probably at the gable ends , and maybe around the posts , a little trim , and then we can call it good . " Ty watched Derrick rather than the drawing , he loved it how Derrick could get so lost in the sketching , the work of it , the lines , Ty supposed it was just like him , getting lost into something he would build , lose track of time , where he was at . They understood each other that way , he knew . Derrick lifted the pencil , and looked at it again , tapping the end on the page . He nodded , and then slid it around so Ty could see it clearly . " Well , it was just an idea . " Ty said with wide eyes . " If you want it built , maybe you could call Beckett , cause I 'm sure that he can . . . " " Oh stop . " Derrick wrapped his knuckle with the pencil . " It 's your idea . No one else will touch the house but you from now on . " Derrick and Ty both jumped at the same time , pulling away from each other . Conner laughed out loud , them not hearing him come in the back door . Derrick clutched his right side and groaned . They both looked in Conner 's direction , as he walked across the kitchen , carrying a brown bag and then coming to Derrick 's right at the table . " You knew I was coming . " Conner said with a smile , then looked down at Derrick 's hand pushing into his side . " You alright , Derrick ? " " What 's wrong ? " Conner said , looking and then glanced toward Ty , knowing something was up , but not what it really was . " What 'd you do ? Pull a muscle having sex or something ? " " Jesus ! " Conner said , and leaned back a little and then down , to get a closer look at the dressing . He sat up not really seeing much . " How bad is it ? " " What ? " Conner said , then looked at Ty , " Thanks for the phone call . " Ty threw up his hands in the air . " So that 's why you texted me this morning , thought something was up . " Conner gave Ty a look that showed he was a little upset . " Not usually , no . " Derrick sighed gently and sat back in the chair . He smiled weakly at Conner , and held out his hand out toward Ty . Ty locked his fingers into Derrick 's , resting them on the table . " So , what 's in the bag ? " Derrick asked . " Breakfast . " Conner said , looking at Derrick . " Ty texted me this morning and asked me to stop and get something from that café bakery you love so much . " " Tons . " Ty said almost in a whisper . " I 'll be busy for a while , after it gets done charging up . " Derrick and Conner laughed together , staring at Ty . " That 'll teach you . " Conner said , shaking his head at Ty , then looked at Derrick , " But that doesn 't excuse you , Mr . Tough Guy , you always carry your phone , and you didn 't call . Tells me where I rate in all this . " " Ooh , I 'm not dealing with that . " Conner said , rolling his eyes . " Dude , you 're the one that 's here , " Conner said to Ty , " I want hands free on that one . " " Yeah , he 's a drama queen for sure . " Derrick said , and they all laughed , Derrick clutching his side again , Conner looked worried , Derrick waved it off . Conner pulled out what was in the bag , and Ty moved the drafting supplies . Conner made more coffee , and then settled in at the table , as they started to eat . " Oh , you can 't boil water without burning the fucking pan , just like me , Mr . Taco Truck . " Conner rolled his eyes again , and pulled out his phone , not waiting for an answer from Derrick , opening it and texted away , he set the phone on the table , and then a couple of minutes later , Conner 's phone signaled a message back . Conner picked it up again and stared at it , " Cavalry 's on the way . " Conner said and put the phone down . Ty looked at Derrick , and Derrick mouthed , ' Alec ' . Ty winked in reply and finished his huge croissant sandwich . " Wow , if I ate these all the time , I 'd weigh three hundred pounds and look like Bart . " Ty chuckled and Derrick went wide eyed at him . Ty smirked toward Derrick . " This was awesome , bud . Give me the tag . " " Oh , in your ass . " Conner said , as he finished his and gave Ty a scowl . " After what you guys have done for me ? And for Alec ? Seriously ? This was nothing . " Ty just looked at him . " Hope so . " Conner said , still smiling . " It 's what Alec wants , and flowers , lots of flowers . I need to stop by and see that florist in town , and get everything ordered I guess . " Conner sighed , " The more I get done , the easier it will be on him , you know ? " " I 've been told . " Conner winked with a smile . " I just don 't want him to stress , he doesn 't handle it very well . " " Yeah , he does , " Derrick said , " I 've seen a few things that says he can handle it . " Derrick paused and moved in the chair to get more comfortable . " So how many people do you think are coming ? " Conner smiled . " All I 've got pretty much is you guys and Alec . Maybe a couple of college buddies from New York , but I doubt they 'd show . " Conner thought more for a second , then smiled at Derrick . " This is all about him . I want it to be perfect for him . " " Wow . " Ty said , looking at Derrick and Ty could the wheels turning , as Ty knew that look Derrick had . " So , what can we do to help ? I 've never planned a wedding before ? " Ty asked , Derrick was surprised by Ty 's questions and looked at him , widening his eyes . " That 's nice of you , bud . " Conner said , also surprised . " I want to do a reception , but I don 't know where . " " Oh , that 's easy . " Derrick chuckled . Conner looked at him . " I 'll call Emilio . You could have it at Lozano 's . " " There 's another part of the building that he has . He rarely opens it up , only for special events , it will hold about one hundred fifty people . And if Emilio didn 't cater it , Alec would be in so much trouble with him , oh my God , I can just see the looks already . " Derrick rolled his eyes . " Conner , " Derrick said , leaning a little , putting a hand on Conner 's shoulder . " we would be happy to help you guys in any way , and I know your mind is just racing right now . You 've got your new job starting in a couple of days , the new apartment , Alec is starting his new job soon , " Derrick chuckled , " it 's going to be a lot on you . Like Ty said , we 'd like to help you plan it . " Derrick gave him the soft eyes , Conner sighed seeing them , " We 'll make a list , and if you want to keep it a surprise for him , which I think is great , we 'll work it out just us , okay ? " " Say you 'll let us do it . " Ty said , leaning on the table a little . Conner looked at Ty and smiled , then nodded . " Good , I knew you were smart . " Ty wiggled his eyebrows . " Derrick can come up with a list , it 'll give him something to do , " Ty shifted his eyes to Derrick , then back to Conner , " then , we can break it up and get it handled . " Derrick sat in the chair at the table and was lost in his drawing on the large sheet . He was moving his pencil and rulers , striking line after line on the large sheet bringing Ty 's idea to life on the page . He would stop now and then , seeing what was there , and Derrick saw it coming together before him , making him smile . He knew the spot out front in such detail as he had imagined something like this actually going there once , a few years back after he had bought the house , but gave it up as he , like Ty had said , needed to tie in to the architectural lines of the house and not just look like some add on or after thought . Derrick worked some more details on the sheet , and was lost in thought to them , not hearing what was behind him . Alec and Ty were behind him , putting bags on the counter , they had come through the back door , and had been quiet , but as they both knew Derrick and the way he could be when he was drafting , they just chuckled towards each other . Alec unpacked the bags with Ty and began to get things going , prepping for dinner . Alec planned to make up some dinners for the next couple of days so that Ty just had to heat them up , to keep Derrick from having to cook and strain himself . Ty had told him that he could just get take out , and Alec had stood there in the driveway and glared at him . Ty threw up his hands in surrender . Conner had texted Alec , giving Alec just the rough parts that Derrick had had an ' accident ' , Ty filled Alec in on the rest of it when he had gotten to the house . Derrick smelled something , and wondered what it was , as he slowly set the pencil down , he turned his head , and saw Ty standing there behind him . Ty smiled and bent down , giving Derrick a kiss on the cheek . Ty motioned with his eyes only to Derrick , making Derrick look the other way , seeing Alec standing there . Derrick smiled and put up his arms , and Alec gave him a gentle hug . " Yeah , I got the call , right ? " Alec said in Derrick 's ear , then kissed it . " When you do it , you really do it big , don 't you ? " " Well , you know me , Mr . Sensational . " Derrick chuckled , as did Alec . " So , this is really nice of you to do . " Derrick said as Alec backed up a little . " Orders from the husband . " Alec gave Derrick a goofy look . " Besides , you need the help , and I 'm more than happy to do it , you know that . " " I do , and I love you for it . " Derrick smiled wide . Alec gave him a kiss on the cheek . Derrick looked back , seeing Ty bent over his shoulder looking at the large sheet and what was on it . " I suppose , but , never thought of it , really . " Ty said . " I like the looks of it though , and it almost looks 3D on the page , " Ty smiled at Derrick , " it 's like I can almost touch it . And you drew the tree out that 's out there as well . You drew it . . . with casting shadows even . " " Chicken Picatta . " Alec said , and then wiggled his eyebrows . " That 's for the night after next , I 'll make a lasagna for Tuesday that Ty can bake , without burning it , . . . " " Ah . . . " Ty said , putting his hands on his hips . " Well , I know when I 'm not wanted . I 'll be outside . " Ty rolled his head and walked out toward the back door . " No , he 's playing , just like I am . " Derrick said , sliding his sheets closer to him . " But seriously , this is really sweet of you Alec , doing all this ? " " For you , Derrick , it 's no problem . " Alec bent down and kissed his cheek again . Alec went back to the stove , watching Derrick start to draw again . " I spent some time here as a boy , it 's one of the only good memories of being with my father that I have . " Conner answered , as the memory was flooding his mind . " That won 't be necessary , I know that you 're a busy man . " Conner said , as he snapped around . " Is there paperwork or anything that needs to be done to make the reservation ? " " Of course . " Conner said as he looked the permit form over . He got up from his chair and went to the little counter in the office and quickly filled it out , then returned it to the older man . " How much do you need ? " Conner asked with a smile as the older man scanned the form , then looked up at Conner . " No , just the ceremony , sir . " " I see . " He looked at the form again , then back at Conner . " Well , in that case , let me ask you a couple of questions . . . " Ty was on the small scaffold and nearing completion of the rock wall . He sensed someone was behind him and looked over his shoulder . He saw Alec was leaning against the large doorway jamb , just watching him . Ty smiled at him . " I half expected you to be naked doing this , like you with sheetrock . " Alec said , as he started to come across the floor toward Ty . Ty smiled wide at him . " This looks so awesome . " " Yeah . He 's doing it in color now . It looks really great . " Alec said , as Ty climbed down . Ty went and got a few more pieces of the rock . " What are you doing with those ? " " He said he had some errands to do . " Ty said , seeing Alec lose the worried look . " Why don 't you talk to him ? Tonight , when he gets back ? " " I mean , tonight , you know , when you guys are in bed . . . together . . . before you start jumping each other ? " Alec rolled his eyes . Ty smiled , and let out a silent sigh . He smiled briefly . " I know you guys can 't keep your hands off each other . " Ty grinned . Conner shook the older man 's hand and left the office . He climbed into the rental car he still had , and thought about it . He pulled his phone out and texted Alec . He waited and Alec texted him back a reply . Conner smiled , then his phone rang . Conner chuckled as he took the call . " You want to buy a car . . . " Alec said in a droll voice . There was silence on the other end . Then his eyes widened . " You want to buy a car ? ! Really ? " " Hang on . . . get a hold of yourself . " Conner said , " I 'll meet you at the house in a bit . Then we have one place we need to go together , it 's kind of important . " Conner said goodbye to Derrick , giving him a kiss , leaving him at the table . Ty was there at the counter going over the written instructions for dinner with Alec . Ty was paying attention closely as Conner walked around and got behind Alec , teasing his butt with a hand , Alec was trying to push his hand away by pushing his butt out . Ty looked and smiled , Conner was wiggling his eyebrows , Ty rolled his eyes . " Say goodbye now , to the nice man . " Conner said again , and leaned forward , Ty met him and they kissed each other . Alec kissed Ty softly on the cheek as well , and then went around the counter , and gave Derrick a gentle hug and then a kiss . " Can 't wait . " Derrick smiled and Conner and Alec left , Conner having to drag Alec out by the hand . Derrick and Ty heard the familiar sound of Alec 's muffler on his car . " Oh My God ! " Ty said , as he got to his feet . He looked at Derrick and then back at the large sheet . " It 's beautiful . You have lines and details that match the house . . . it 's got good proportion . . . I love it in color like this . . . it 's so . . . alive . " " Hmmm , you have a point there . " Ty said , scratching his chin , giving Derrick a half grin . " I might have to change my rates . " " But first , I think you need to go lay down for a while . " Ty said . " You 've been here at the table all day . " " No , I guess not , well , at least not today . " Derrick said , taking Ty 's hand and slowly getting up . They walked to the bedroom together slowly . Conner pulled up to the curb and parked , Alec was behind him and parked . Conner got out and went up on the sidewalk , Alec joined him as he looked at the building , clearly not what he was expecting . Conner smiled and walked inside , almost dragging Alec along with him . " Yeah , I figured the sooner , the better . " Conner said , looking worried now . Alec softened and then a little sad . " What 's wrong ? " " Well , I know you wouldn 't , but it was in the back of my mind , I guess . " Alec looked at the floor . " You 've been doing things about the wedding , haven 't you ? " " Cause I know you . " Alec said , lifting his face to meet Conner 's . " That 's why you won 't tell me where you are and what you 're doing . " " Yes , we 'd like to see about some invitations . " Conner said . She looked at both of them and then realized , and nodded her head . " Right this way . " She said and led them to a large round table , that had thick books on it . She opened them and started to show them the differences in papers , colors , and types of print . Alec saw a few that impressed him as Conner stayed relatively quiet . Alec seemed to be getting excited about it all , and Conner was pleased . After about an hour , decisions were finally made , and everything was set to form . Conner pulled out his card and paid for the order , and they thanked her for her help . They left and Conner was smiling having something else done . They got into their cars and Conner started driving , heading for Alec 's old studio . Alec had empty boxes in his car and the plan had been to pack up Alec tonight and do the cleaning . The bed and anything else was for tomorrow with Ty 's truck . Conner saw something on a car lot as he drove by , catching his eye and slowed down , he pulled up to the curb and parked , Alec had been in the lead and didn 't see Conner at first pull off . " I 'm sure it does . " Conner said . He heard Alec coming back , as he had apparently circled around , not seeing Conner behind him . Conner smiled as Alec pulled up behind his rental and parked . Alec got out , frowning , and walked over , standing in front of the car , crossing his arms over his chest . " What do you think ? " " Yeah , we 'll get there . " Conner looked up at him . " You know , I have to give the rental back , soon . I need something . Can 't use your car for work . " Alec rolled his eyes , and walked toward Conner . " Yeah , your kind of looking means buying . " Alec walked past Conner and headed for the salesman and stopped in front of him . They talked for a minute , Alec pointing back over his shoulder now and then , as Conner looked the car over . The guy walked off and then came back a couple of minutes later with a small booklet , handing it to Alec , as Alec was looking the car over . Alec thanked him , and opened it , seeing specs of the motor and drivetrain . Conner was looking over Alec 's shoulder , wondering what he was doing . Alec was running his finger down the page , checking this and that and Conner was getting lost with what he was doing . Alec turned and looked at the salesman . " That 's what I thought " , as Alec looked at the sticker on the window , comparing it to the booklet . He turned and looked at Conner . " Why this one ? " " There are two kinds of car shoppers . Ones who buy for looks , the others buy because they researched and know what they want . So , why this one ? " Alec had a dead pan serious look on his face . " Fine . Honest answer , the car looks good . I agree , the car does look good . But , before you get all set on buying it , you should probably look at what it can do first , as you 'll spend a lot of time in it . Is it safe ? Is it reliable ? It 's new , so there has got to be a warranty , is there an extended warranty ? Probably look at some reviews from other people that have bought the same model , are they happy with it ? Are there any problems ? You see what I mean ? " " No , I just know what I 'm talking about . I watched people buy cars from my dad for years , some were happy , some weren 't . I learned . That 's why I drive what I drive , and I 'm happy . " " Papa , " Alec said , and smiled hearing his father 's voice , " are you still at work ? " Alec looked at Conner , and put a hand to Conner 's chest , " Yes , we 're downtown . What ? . . . okay , . . . okay , bye . " " You will get in your car , you follow me , you will not stop , until I do . " Alec said , sounding very firm . Conner hadn 't heard like this before , and he thought it was incredibly hot . " No , not yet . " Alec said , Conner 's eyes widened , " We 're going to see my parents . " Alec walked away , and Conner gulped . Alec pulled up in the little space of the driveway , as there were tons of cars there , and on the street . The house was moderately sized with a large porch on the front , with a couple of steps . The yard was nicely landscaped , there were roses and flowers in the beds , and a small pine tree in the center of the larger part of the front yard , which was divided by a sidewalk that led up from the street sidewalk up to the steps . Conner had to park across the street and down a house from all of the cars . He got out and walked toward Alec , feeling and looking very nervous . Alec smiled at him . " She 's really hot , just sayin , hands off . " Alec smiled . Conner just stared at him , then Alec pulled him up onto the lawn and they walked toward the house and up on the porch . Conner let out a deep breath as Alec opened the door , walking in , the noise from inside hit Conner as the door opened , his eyes went wide from it all . " Marcello ! " Came cries from several people in the living room . Conner didn 't know who they were calling to at first . Everyone came running almost at once as Conner stepped in behind Alec , closing the door in the cool room . Hugs went all around with Alec and all these people , who were obviously family , as Conner could see the strong resemblance in the men . And then Conner saw an older version of Alec coming across the room . He was stunning , just like Alec , but his temples were grey . He smiled just like Alec , and Alec was sucked into him , big arms went around Alec 's shoulders and back and hands patted Alec . Then the lady came into the room and all parted for her , and Conner knew she was Alec 's mother . Alec pulled away from his father and went to her , and she cradled his cheeks as stopped in front of her , staring into his face for a long moment and then kissed each of his cheeks . Alec gave her a hug , and then kissed her as well . Conner just stood there as all eyes were now on him . " Marcello , who is this ? " His mother asked him smiling , looking at Conner . Alec gave her a quick kiss on the cheek , and then slowly walked to Conner and took him by the hands . Alec smiled at him , feeling Conner 's palms were wet , then turned back toward everyone . " Everyone , this is Conner . " Conner nodded a little toward everyone , " We have something to tell you . " Alec looked toward Conner , and their eyes met , and then Alec looked back at his family . " We 're getting married . " There were a few gasps and then a couple of squeals from the girls , and then they all moved toward them , Alec 's father first , he stepped close and threw his arms around Conner 's neck and hugged him very tight , patting his back . Conner wanted to cough from the hits , but it was good , and a good feeling to him . Everyone gathered around them and were hugging Alec and then Conner , and Conner got kissed so many times on his cheeks , he thought he was going to need dental work , as hard as they were hitting him , and squeezing his jaw . Conner was overwhelmed by it all . He had never had a family in his life , and now there seemed to be dozens of them , all at once . He loved it , and he glowed . " Yes , Mama , he does . " Alec said , looking at Conner and then pulled him in for a soft kiss . Everyone in the room cheered and clapped . Conner didn 't feel embarrassed at all , not with these warm and caring people , but Alec was beet red . Conner chuckled at him . Alec composed himself and started to introduce Conner to everyone , his mother and father first of course , his father , Alejandro , said that they would have a talk in a while and winked at Conner . Alec formally introduced his mother , Marcella , to Conner , and he kissed her cheek this time , making her blush . All of Alec 's older brothers were there , Matteo , Rinaldo , Rafaele , along with wives , and kids , then Conner was introduced to Lucia , Alec 's older sister , and Alec was right , she was hot , and probably had a string of boyfriends lining up down the block , and Alec was right also , she was not the only one , the youngest , Rosina , the baby of the family , only thirteen , was a knock out as well , and Conner discovered , a bit of a flirt . She hung on him , batting her eyes , and smiling , until Alec shooed her away . As small talk was going around the room , Alec was drug off to the kitchen , by his older sister , and his mother , leaving Conner alone with everyone else . The kids all warmed up to Conner , especially little Robert , only three , he started to play with Conner , bringing a ball to him , and it was on , he wouldn 't leave Conner alone , and Conner loved it , and eventually little Robert was sitting in Conner 's lap while everyone got to know Conner , and he them . Why hadn 't they done this sooner , Conner thought to himself . Alejandro pulled Conner out of the living room and took him out into the back yard , to have their ' talk ' , Conner supposed . Alejandro had poured wine , and handed Conner a glass , and little Robert tagged along . The back yard was immaculately landscaped , and you could see it was done for entertaining purposes as well as for the children . Conner felt very much at ease as they went out toward the back area of the yard , Alejandro was polite in his questions and Conner held nothing back from him , being completely honest and open . " You know , Conner , I have had to struggle all of my life , for my family , it was difficult with so many . . . " He smiled at Conner , as Robert was holding up his little arms and hands to be picked up by Conner , Conner knelt down and picked him up , holding him to him with one arm , still clutching the wine glass in the other hand . Alejandro smiled seeing them , as Robert lay his little head against Conner 's shoulder and yawned . " Please , Alejandro . . . " He smiled , and Conner saw Alec in him so much , and knew that Alec would one day look exactly like his father when he would be his age . This man was beautiful and very warm toward Conner . " Alejandro . . . " Conner smiled , " but if it 's money you 're concerned about for Alec , let me assure you that that it is not a problem . I have taken steps to make sure that Alec will never want or need for anything for the rest of his life . " " Several retirement accounts have been opened in Alec 's name , as well as a savings account . Should anything ever happen to me or us , Alec will be taken care for the rest of his life . " The elder man 's eyes widened . " Your son is the most important thing in the world to me , and I would do anything to make sure he is happy and taken care of . I love him , sir . " A tear welled in the elder man 's eye hearing Conner . Alec , his mother and his sisters , along with Alec 's oldest brother , Matteo , all stood at the kitchen window looking out at the three in the backyard . They all knew that Conner was getting the ' talk ' , and they had been watching them the entire time . The women all cooed and sighed when Conner had bent down and picked up little Robert and held him , and all had put their hands on Alec as he wanted to cry seeing the love of his life with his little nephew . He knew Conner wanted kids , they had talked about it , briefly the other day , after making mad passionate love together , and Alec wanted to have them as well , but not right now . Their careers were just starting or would start very soon . Seeing Conner with his father and the way his father had just touched Conner , Alec knew that Conner was completely accepted , and he so loved him , more than ever now . It was almost perfect to Alec . They watched as Conner and Alejandro turned in the back yard and started to walk slowly back to the house together , Alec watched his father take Conner 's other arm and tuck it into his own as they walked slowly . Everyone else saw it and scattered quickly . " Must be the blonde hair . " Conner smiled and then ran his fingers up and down the little back that was facing him . She smiled back at him . " You need a babysitter , let us know . " Conner winked . She smiled wide . " Is Alec still in the kitchen ? " Conner asked , looking around the room . Everyone pretty much nodded toward him , he smiled and was pointed in the general direction . Conner walked in the direction of pointed fingers and quickly found the kitchen , all of them in a huddle , talking . " Am I interrupting ? " Conner asked as he stopped in the doorway . All eyes turned toward him , making him smile . Alec stepped forward and came to him . " See ? I like this boy , I told you . " Alejandro said , looking at his wife . She stepped forward and came up beside Alec , looking up into Conner 's eyes . " Mama , you know why I moved in there , you and Papa both , now come on , we have to get going and get this done . Once the new apartment is all set , I promise , we 'll have everyone over for dinner , and I 'll cook . Okay ? " Alec knew how to work her , that was obvious to Conner as she was melting before his eyes . " Alright , if you say so . " She smiled a faint smile up at him . " I will get the girls and we will meet you , and help you clean , even if it is a dump . " Alec shook his head . " No Mama , you know I can 't win that one . " Alec smiled and then kissed her forehead . " We 'll be there at nine . " " Fine , so will we . " She said with a firm voice , and the girls behind her knew they had been recruited . Alec gave her a hug and then left her and went to his father , hugging him as well , and then his sisters . Conner was hugged by everyone as well , and they walked to the living room heading for the front door , Alec 's brothers , wives , and kids were all there , except little Robert , who still asleep , and everyone hugged , and Alec and Conner walked out and went to the front sidewalk to Alec 's car . " That was one of the best times of my life . " Conner was all smiles now , " Your family is incredible . We should have done this a long time ago . " " No , you are incredible . " Alec said , leaning against the rear of his car , pulling Conner into him by Conner 's hips . " My mother absolutely adores you , I can tell , and the best part and the clincher was when you were in the back yard with Papa , and you picked up little Robert , and he put his head on your shoulder . She almost cried . " " I talked to my father , he said it was a good car , he said to go buy it . " Alec winked . " As long as I get to drive it now and then . " Single guy , fertile imagination , love to write , and write all kinds of things . Just changed the email to [ email protected ] I love to hear from you guys . Your criticism , comments , whatever is always appreciated . Have any ideas , let me know as well . Whatever I can do to help out . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * / |
My stay in Kentucky went without any big event . The boys started school . I left . I came back to P - town . And things have been more or less the same . My friends started a new semester . My boyfriend started his job . I stay at home , bored out of my skull most days , trying to find employment . I knit . I knit a lot . I have determined that since I graduated , I have finished knitting three blankets for charity , finished Mom 's Christmas gift for this year , two pairs of socks , two regular hats , two stuffed elephants for two baby boys , and two mohawk hats . I 'm currently working on my brothers ' Christmas presents , since I couldn 't work on it while I was visiting them . Besides knitting , I have tried to continue sewing a dress I started two Thanksgivings ago , and am determined to finish it before this Thanksgiving . Does anyone know how to install an invisible zipper ? I sure don 't . My mom 's no help , either . I 'd consult my aunt Jo for help , but she 's 1 ) in Cincinnati and 2 ) busy as can be with her work and her beautiful Stella . I always say that I 'm going to give up any attempts at sewing once I finally finish a project , but I always seem to completely ignore that vow . Lather , rinse , repeat . I have also completed my first embroidery project ( it 's on my 101 Goals list , which has been rather inactive - shame on me ! ) . It was a spur of the moment sort of thing that I just picked up the materials ( though Mom had a hoop and materials ) and checked out a book from the library . I designed it myself and - poof - within a few days , I was done . I 'd say it is more simple compared to some of the beautiful embroidery I see online , but I 'm still proud of it . It 's on red fabric and stitched in white . The image is of the rooster on the Sriracha bottle ( spicy angry rooster sauce ) , and below it , I stitched a quote from an episode of My Drunk Kitchen : " Sriracha is the Worcestershire sauce of Thailand . " I made it with Alex in mind . Why ? Because he likes Sriracha , he likes My Drunk Kitchen , and eventually , he 's going to have an apartment of his own and I think it would be a unique and appropriate piece to hang in the kitchen . Speaking of Alex , my dear sweet boyfriend had his birthday last week . I gave him the Sriracha embroidery , some bags of his favorite candy ( Sour Patch Kids and Pretzel M & Ms ) , and a Streetlight Manifesto CD . I also joined him , his parents , and his grandparents for a celebration . We went to Pizzeria Uno and stuffed ourselves . Besides crafting , I cook dinner every night . Recently , since Borders is going out of business , Mom picked up two vegetarian cookbooks . I think it 's really exciting , and we 're now on our second week of vegetarian dinners . I 'm going to try my month of vegetarianism ( another thing on my goal list ) now , I 'd say , though it will be difficult depending on who I happen to eat with . For example , if I go visit Alex , I don 't want to snub the dinner if it includes meat , because that would be inconvenient . Also , I 've been reading , though not in the past few days . I 'm going to remedy that . If you want to check out my book list , I have it on Listography . There 's still plenty more books on my bookshelves that I haven 't tackled yet , and it could possibly be another year before I finish them all ! I hope not , though … Nothing much else is going on , I 'd say . I don 't watch a lot of movies , but some days , I feel like a bump on a log . And then , for the past two weekends , Alex and I have gone up to Muncie for shenanigans . I love being able to see my friends and hang out with them . It makes me miss school - or at least being just a stone 's throw away from everyone . I also miss biking and walking everywhere . That 's why , after I finish writing this , I have decided that I 'm going to bike to the library . Okay , maybe lunch first . Either way , I 'm still going to bike to the library today and enjoy the beautiful weather outside . Thankfully , it isn 't too hot . I will post again soon . I 've decided that it is going to be a very picture - heavy post , since I want to share my crafty ventures . I am quite proud of them . I 'm here at my dad 's house , watching my brothers . David goes back to school tomorrow . He 's in sixth grade , at a special advanced school . He 'll be taking algebra I and Latin . My eleven - year - old brother is going to know Latin , and by the time he gets in high school , he 'll probably take more math than I ever did . Man , that just makes me feel stupid . At least I can make my own peanut butter and jelly sandwich and can remember to flush the toilet , but that 's not saying much . We don 't get along like we used to , and I feel bad about that , but David has had this recent habit of acting like a teenager and thinking the world revolves around him and he can do no wrong . He doesn 't listen . This morning , I told him to take the dog out front so he could relieve himself while I was getting breakfast together . When it was ready , I thought , " Well , it doesn 't take the dog that long , so I wonder how things are going . " I looked out the front door and couldn 't find David and Jock . I panicked . I ran out to the driveway and saw that David was a few houses down , near the bus stop . I yelled for him to come back . He said that he thought the dog could use a walk . That might have been a good idea , but only with someone else to accompany him . He has no concept of " Stranger Danger , " and that 's worrisome . I want to get along with David , but sometimes it is hard . We still have some good moments , though . The other day , I went upstairs and couldn 't find him anywhere . I called his name , and he didn 't answer . I eventually found him sitting in the empty master bathroom tub , reading the iPad , and listening to the radio with the door shut . Kids are so odd sometimes . Alex is going to be in third grade . He doesn 't start until next Wednesday , though . He 's very into Harry Potter now , which I like , but it 's more of the movie and Lego ties that he likes , not the books - which makes me sad . Oh well . He 's still freakin ' adorable . The other night , we were watching the end of Spaceballs before bed , and he was wearing Harry Potter robes . I went upstairs to get my laptop , and he said , " When you come downstairs and my hood is up , pretend I 'm invisible ! " It made me laugh so much . Besides watching my brothers , I 've been reading , exercising , writing , knitting , and job searching . Basically , the same things I do when I live with Mom . I have been exercising more , though , and it makes me feel good . I 'll probably do it after I finish writing this . With reading , I recently finished Bel Canto , which I think is probably my new favorite book ( My apologies to The Historian - You can be my runner - up , though ! ) . I finished it on Sunday , and there was this deep sadness within me ; I wanted to read more , and yet , I knew that there was no more . I felt for the characters , and I was moved by the beautiful writing . I wish I could write like that . I 'm re - reading The Sparrow now . I read it back in high school , a while ago . I don 't remember much of it , except for little parts . I found a copy of the book when I visited Jennifer in Bloomington once . There was a cool used bookstore there . Anyway , it 's interesting , but I think it 's harder to get into than the last book . I 'm currently knitting a pair of socks right now for the boy . It 's a easy , beautiful pattern , and I love the yarn , but I think I 'm going to run out . I should probably buy some more . I might just get some more for myself . Books and yarn - those are my biggest vices . As for job searching , it 's a bust . I got a call Friday about a position I applied to two months ago . I happened to be driving to my grandparents ' house at the time . I called back and left a message for the woman , but she was out of the office for the weekend . She called on Monday , completely ignoring the fact that I had stated in the message that I wouldn 't be back until the 17th . She wanted me to set up an interview for Tuesday . When I explained that I was out of state , she immediately said , " Well , it 's been nice speaking to you . " I understand that most people prefer an in - person interview to a phone interview , and for good reason . I just wish that I could have been given a chance . What if this was a family emergency ? I hate that so many recruiters / employers want people to be so desperate that they 'll drop everything for an interview . Yes , I want a job , I really need one , but sometimes there are circumstances beyond my control . Additionally , last week I had an preliminary interview for a teaching position in Japan . Because of my hellish student teaching experience , I would rather teach in a country that respects education and educators instead of America . I was worried , though , about going abroad for a year , being completely alone in a foreign country . I know that I would miss Alex and my family considerably . I also wasn 't sure if the start - up costs ( I would have to pay for my own flight over to Japan , my background check , and some other things before I actually received a stipend . ) . Well , now I don 't have to choose . I got an e - mail last night . They don 't want me . Nobody wants me . It feels like the time before I found my job at the library , only worse . I have little experience , I have little references , and who really wants an English major , anymore ? I keep seeing and hearing about my friends who are getting jobs or , in the case of my teaching friends , getting ready to teach their first class . My other friends still in school are getting their schedules , moving back to the dorms , or starting grad school . I just feel like everyone knows what they 're doing with their life but me . August 5 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : family , health , life , summer , work | Leave a comment It 's August . I can 't believe it 's already August . Of course , time flies when you think you have all the time in the world . Three months ago - hell , it 's more like five months ago , I thought , " I 'll take a year off , get some work , and then go to grad school ! " Now ? Well , my notices for student loan payments are coming in . I 'm still unemployed . I feel my dreams of getting my masters in library science are slipping away . Mom and I fight at least once or twice a week , when we rarely fought once we moved here six years ago . I 'm sad . Others who have recently graduated , like myself , are finding jobs . Alex finally got something after what seems like two years of searching , which I 'm happy about . If my peers aren 't getting employed , they 're going back to school - grad school , another year of undergrad ; some people , like my friend Jennifer , have both work and school to look forward to . There are so many other milestones people are hitting in their own lives , and what do I have to show ? I don 't have much to say as of late . What 's new to talk about , really ? Yes , I 'm utilizing the time I have by searching for a job , exercising , writing , reading , and doing crafty things , but I really can 't be too excited when it 's the same thing , day after day . I 'm going to a family reunion this weekend , and people are going to ask me what I 'm up to , and I truly won 't have anything to note . I can sum up my life in a few words . No one 's going to care . I 'm not interesting . I often wonder why I keep this blog around . I originally intended to use it as a book review blog . I did it once . Although I can say that I 've read enough books in the past five months that could last several posts if I wanted to pick that up again . Then , this became a somewhat outlet for my crafty ventures . Now , it 's a sad mess . I mean , I know I do stuff other than write , read , craft , and mope . In the past weeks I honestly haven 't done much besides that , though . I look back on this whole summer , which was full of opportunity and excitement , and I feel like I have just wasted it . Alex 's car is still in the shop , so I 've come down and visited him a few times , and he 's been able to get a ride up to my house at other times . Our visits are sparse and public . Once he starts working , I 'll probably only see him on the weekends , like it was when I was at school last year , only I 'm living at home . I hope his car is repaired soon , though . I know how much he loves driving and he loves his car . Plus , if I drive him , he 'll get motion sick , and I always feel bad about that . We went up to Muncie with Scott this past Sunday for Scott 's birthday . It was a small gathering , but nice . I brought brownies I had made late night before . We chatted and I knit , and I ended up being the designated driver for the night . What I didn 't foresee was when we went out to the Locker Room , we were having a great time until I had an allergic reaction . For dinner that night , Alex and I cooked up what was on the menu - salmon , green beans , and cheesy garlic biscuits . It was all delicious . I had only had salmon once before , and I had a reaction that time , but I thought I was in the clear this time . I felt great , but then suddenly , I found myself sneezing , itching , swelling , and wheezing , among some other symptoms . I am now , without a doubt , allergic to salmon . There 's something in it that , when in my digestive system and it 's being broken down , it causes my body to react . It 's so strange , though , since it isn 't immediate - it takes about six hours for the reaction to kick in . Nothing 's scarier than having to drive home while your face is swelling and every breath you take is a ghastly wheeze . I stayed calm and we got back to Krista 's apartment safely , but every time we stopped at a stop sign and no one was around , I 'd have to scratch my back and arms . I was miserable . When we got back , everyone was really helpful . I could barely get out of the driver 's seat because I was weak , and Alex helped me out . Krista and Derek ran up and got the Benedryl I luckily had in my backpack , and Nick held open the doors for us . I am lucky to have such good friends . It took a while to recover , and everyone went to bed , but Alex stayed with me on the couch until I was comfortable enough to sleep . Being with him was probably the best part of that weekend . Anyway , like I said , nothing much else has been going on . I attempted and succeeded in my first embroidery project . I 'll share it when it 's framed , and possibly after Alex 's birthday , since it 's for him and I want it to be a surprise . As I also stated before , I 'm going to a family reunion this weekend . Something to keep me busy while my friends and boyfriend are having a great time at GenCon . I wanted to go last year , but didn 't have transportation . This year , I thought I would have a job that would prevent me from going , though I didn 't really have the money to go , either . Oh well . The only consolation I have is that I 'm not missing Wil Wheaton this year , since he 's not visiting , though I missed meeting him last year . It just makes me feel even more sucky , since I 'm not getting out and doing anything interesting . The State Fair is starting this weekend , too , and I 'm going to miss most of it because I 'll be out of state . The reunion should be … interesting . I guess . I don 't know . I feel weird about going , but I feel that it would be a good alternative to staying home and getting into an argument with my mom . On Sunday , I 'll be driving down to Lexington . I 'll be watching my brothers for the next week and a half because they 'll be starting school soon . David starts sixth grade on Wednesday , and Alex will be in third grade , I do believe . That doesn 't start until the following week . It 'll be good to see them . July 25 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : car , family , life , Ohio , summer , travel | Leave a comment I guess it 's been a busy week or so . On Tuesday ( the 12th ) , I packed the car , did some errands , and then drove to Cincinnati to visit my aunt Jo and uncle Dave . The drive was not bad . I listened to Yelle and Madonna , and I tried to not get killed by stupid people on the roadways . One person tried to merge while I was right beside him , and he honked his horn . I checked my other side , moved over , and sped up . Then , he followed me closely , tail - gating me . I was super uncomfortable and wished I could punch this person in the face because whatever rush he was in , no matter what it was for , it did not matter compared to my LIFE . I arrived there a little bit before dinner , which was a black bean / avocado / poblano wrap and I helped Aunt Jo prepare it . When Uncle Dave came home , she left to go to a meeting , and Uncle Dave and I had dinner together . It was tasty . Then , I went downstairs to get some work done , trying to take the flowers off these purple velvet drapes Aunt Jo had made . I listened to Soma . fm while doing it , and got almost two hours of work done . When Aunt Jo came home , I stopped and we had ice cream . I went up to bed around 10 : 00 and talked to Alex . Then , I read some of The Tales of Beedle the Bard , which was my aunt 's and I had never read it before . I only got through one story and fell asleep . I was very tired from the drive and the work . Wednesday , I did some more flower removal and business card sorting . I did that for a total of eight hours or so . Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave also got Stella on that day . She is a retired racing greyhound , and she is very shy since she does not know how to be a pet yet , but she is adorable . I think she is a big sweetheart , and Aunt Jo and Uncle Dave finally have a " child " of their own to take care of , since I have been the baby of the family for the past twenty - two years . I also finished reading The Tales of Beedle the Bard that evening . I thoroughly enjoyed it , and I miss so much about Harry Potter . I wish I could have gone to the midnight showing of the last film Thursday evening , but I could not . Plus , I would not want to be in a packed theater like the time I went to see Goblet of Fire during opening weekend . Thursday , I woke up around 7 : 00 and had a breakfast of turkey sausage and chocolate chunk scones that I had helped Aunt Jo make . Iwas busy all day doing business card stuff . I scanned them and sorted them in Aunt Jo 's database , I took all the bookmarks and labels out of her books , and together , we finally got the last of the flowers removed from the purple velvet drapes . We also spent a lot of time trying to get Stella acclimated to her new home . She seemed to have taken a shine to me , and liked it when I pet her . She wouldn 't eat that much , which was worrisome . Stella 's funny , though . I went upstairs to talk to Aunt Jo , and when I turned around , Stella was at the bottom of the stairs , looking up at me . She also stood on the newspaper while Aunt Jo was trying to read it . I worked a total of nineteen hours while I was visiting , and I also helped Aunt Jo with one of her projects for school before I left on Friday morning . I drove out of Cincinnati to Fairborn , and let me just say , I hate , hate , HATE driving in Cincinnati . Coming in was not so bad , but when I was going north out of the city , it felt like I was having an ulcer and a heart attack . My hands were shaking . I felt sick . I was so glad to be out of it . I drove up through Dayton , about forty miles all the way . I thought of my childhood while listening to the Juno soundtrack and David Bowie . I was born in Dayton , and so even though I have not lived there in over seventeen years , it still has a special place in my heart . I remember the Air Force Museum , which Alex and I visited on a camping trip once . There were just so many familiar things to me as I was driving , and I missed it a little bit . My life is good now , and I do not think the life I have now would be anything like the life that I would have lived had my parents actually stayed together . So in a way , everything works out . Anyway , I made it to my grandparents ' house . Grandpa was at the festival already , so Grandma and I had lunch . She was baking bread , and then she took a nap later . I tried to take a nap . It didn 't work . I sat out on the back patio , mooching their neighbor 's wireless and surfed the Internet until she woke up . We did have coffee , though . I had so much coffee . We left around 5 : 30 and dropped some books and movies off at the library , then we went to the festival run by their church , which started at 6 : 00 . Grandma and Grandpa have worked at every festival for the last thirty - five years , and Grandpa used to be one of the head workers there . He stepped down a few years ago , but he is still very active in it . I have been to the festival since I was very young . Mom used to take me and put me on the kiddie rides , or get my face painted . My attendance , however , had been sporadic . I can 't remember the last time I went to one of them - probably when I was a sullen teenager , since I know it wasn 't in the last four years . Now , since I am an adult , I don 't go for the kiddie rides or the games or the face painting . There 's crafts and a flea market to look at , and a book booth that has always been a hit for my family . I browsed the selection and didn 't see anything I really wanted , but I did keep tabs on a few books , though in the end , I didn 't buy anything . On Friday evening , we ate with Ed and Mary and I had a pulled pork sandwich with French fries . It was a good choice . I spent the most of the night chatting and counting money in the air - conditioned office . It was my second time doing it , and it was a lot of fun . It was even more fun to come across people who have known me since I was small , and gasping at the young woman I am now . It makes me laugh . I also like seeing the different generations . For instance , if my mom could have made it , we would have three generations at the festival this year . As it stands , another family had the grandmother , the mother , and her son in his first year as a counter . It 's very interesting , but it does go to show how big this festival is for some people . Grandma sent me down for a funnel cake , and we shared that . It was good , though rather pricey . I also got to talk to Alex , though that wasn 't until midnight , and we were still at the festival . I went out into the hall , and I noticed they were filing out with the money and they started turning the lights out in the hallway . I thought they were going to leave me ! They were just going to the bank , though , and I stayed in the office until Grandma and Grandpa came back . We got home around 1 : 00 , and then we had ice cream . Yeah , I kid you not . My grandparents are awesome . They also gave me a belated graduation present . I finally had the chance to sleep in on Saturday morning . I needed it , for sure . I got up and sat out on the back patio again , and I ended up talking to Teddy . He got a job near Lafayette , so he cut his trip out West short . I helped my grandma bake lemon coconut bars and two batches of brownies for the festival . She took a nap afterward , but I have trouble taking naps , so I just stayed awake and knitted and watched television . Grandpa was already at the festival , he was there all day . We went around 5 : 30 and looked through the vendors ' tent , the book booth , and Bars & Bells . Grandma and I played some Bars & Bells - it was my first time , and I won twenty - five dollars ! I was super excited about that . I had a meatball sandwich for dinner - my favorite festival fare . I hung out in the office for a while , knitting , talking , counting money , whatever . It was hot and muggy outside , so the air conditioned office was a haven . I met Joe and Ben , who 's grandparents are part of the festival like mine . They 're nice guys . Later , Grandma and I grabbed some pie and coffee . I spilled hot coffee on my hand and part of my shirt , so that was embarrassing , but the sugar cream pie I got was good . We did some more time in the office , and I was just going to hang in there and knit , but Joe , Ben , and Courtney invited me to join them . They were meeting a friend and going on a ride . I decided to join them . We all pitched in four dollars and bought a sheet of tickets , though between the five of us ( including the friend , Mary ) , we could only ride one ride , the Sizzler ( " The Scrambler " everywhere else ) . I crammed into a car with Joe and Courtney , and I felt embarrassed about my big hips . We could barely squeeze in together . I was so much bigger than Courtney and Mary , and about as tall as the boys . Then , I thought about my age . Joe would be eighteen , Courtney , seventeen . Ben is a sophomore at the University of Cincinnati , and so that would probably make him nineteen . I 'm twenty - two , old enough to drink and at least three years older than all of them . I felt awkward . They didn 't treat me as so , but I felt self - conscious , like I needed my own kind . I invited Alex to come to the festival next year so maybe I won 't feel that way again . Hopefully , that 's a possibility . After the ride and splitting off from the others , I joined Grandpa on a run . I picked up money from the booths and ran it over , escorted by a deputy . It was my first time and I felt very important ! I also passed out bags before the last hour of the festival , also a first . I spent the rest of the evening counting , though I took a break to call Alex . After midnight , I went with Grandpa , Kim , and a deputy to the bank to deposit money . I felt even more important ! I was super giddy because I had never done anything like that before . We got home a little earlier than the previous night , and then we had ice cream . I had a hard time falling asleep and had " The Name Game " going on in my head . Crazy . I did sleep , though it was hard to get up at 7 : 00 in the morning after a late night . I went with Grandma and Grandpa to church , and then helped get some things together for the festival . I said goodbye to Grandpa , and Grandma and I went back home . I had some coffee and read some of the newspaper . Then , I packed up my car and drove to Richmond , where I met up with my paternal grandparents . Grandma and Grandpa treated me to lunch at Applebee 's , which I requested because I knew I could get a nice salad there . We came back home , did some visiting , and had some ice cream . I was going to head to Muncie , but I realized how tired I was . I took a nap because I thought I would be at Muncie late . It was interrupted because Alex texted me . His car overheated in Fortville , so he couldn 't make it to Muncie . Another one of our meetings thwarted . I spent some more time with Grandma and Grandpa , and around 4 : 00 I headed off towards Muncie . It took me about an hour to get to Krista 's apartment , and we talked and watched the first episode of the new season of True Blood , since she hadn 't seen it . Robin came up to visit , too , and we went to Wal - Mart and got pizzas . It was tasty , and nice because I really didn 't feel like doing any tough cooking tonight . We watched The Birdcage , and after that , I decided it was time to come home . Overall , I 'd say it was a great trip . I saw and experienced a lot of different things , and came home with brownies , scones , zucchini , green peppers , rhubarb , yellow squash , storage containers , three knitting books , and a small sum of cash . Most of all , though , I got to spend some time with my family . And a deputy . And I got to sing in my car at the top of my lungs . More car problems plagued us , though . Mom 's clutch went out , and so I had to drive her to work on Monday and Tuesday and pick her up , which I wasn 't too pleased about . At least not on Monday , since I was exhausted from my trip . The good news is that got fixed , and hopefully , in a few weeks , Alex 's car will be fixed , too . I got to see him on Wednesday , and we went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows , Part 2 , and had dinner with his parents . I also got to see him this weekend . That was pretty much the only notable thing this past week , besides seeing my girls for So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday as well . Anyway , though we didn 't do anything too interesting , it was just nice to be with him . I took him home this morning , and I miss him already . July 11 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : books , family , friends , identity , July 4th , life , summer , work | Leave a comment Well , it 's been a few weeks since I 've posted here , so I figured it was about time . It 's been an interesting time between then and now - okay , not all of it , but some of it . The weekend following the post I wrote was really good . My grandparents showed up on the 23rd and spent the weekend with us . There was a Half - Price Books Clearance Sale at the State Fairgrounds , so we went . I shouldn 't have bought any books , but not a single item was over $ 3 , so I took that opportunity . I bought fifteen books - about $ 180 at new retail price - for $ 19 . So it was a great deal … and now I have about thirty books I own that I have never read . I 'm working on it . After the book sale , we went to Monical 's Pizza for lunch and then took a tour of my mom 's work . She 's been there a year and they had an open house . It was nice to finally see the inside . On that Sunday , my grandparents left and Alex , Scott , and I went up to Muncie for Thom 's birthday . Alex made falafel and I made jalapeno poppers and sangria . Of course , the sangria was solely for me . It was really good for a first - time recipe . It was a real good time , and I was glad to see everyone . I 'm trying to think about everything else that 's gone on , but it 's hard . I spend a lot of time around the house - reading , knitting , writing , watching television , avoiding things that I actually want and need to do , like clean my room , because I 'm not motivated . I 've read quite a few books lately , like I said before . I most recently finished The Awakening , and today I hope to finish Mrs . Dalloway . I 've started knitting my final charity blanket , I finished a second pair of socks and have been working on two stuffed elephants for two babies . The Fourth of July was good . Mom and I watched movies all weekend , and Alex came up and we played Frisbee and ate dinner with my mom . We drove to Anderson and sat in an empty parking lot watching the fireworks from my car and eating Ben & Jerry 's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream . I 've had some pretty good days . On Wednesday nights , I go over to Jennifer 's and we watch So You Think You Can Dance . This past Wednesday , we swam at her grandparents ' house , ate pizza for dinner , and had Good 's ice cream for dessert . Not too much more happening , I 'm afraid , unless you were to ask my brain . My brain would tell you that it is tired of this shit . It 's hard to sleep anymore because even though I 'm tired , my mind still won 't stop working . Lately , I 've been conflicted with things . Things I want , things I don 't want , things that I should do , things that are rational . A job that will pay me a lot , or a job that will satisfy me in every way but paying me a lot , to stay local or to abandon my sane , rational inclinations and go out west to meet a friend . I attribute my confusion to my long - term bad habit of not being able to decide . It started as a child because I never wanted to rock the boat , to be demanding , and now it 's developed into , " Well , I 'm really comfortable with really any outcome , so I don 't know what to decide . " It happens with food to eat , places to go , movies to watch . I want to experience everything , and I don 't care in what order I do it . It will all happen eventually . Or at least , most of the time , that 's how it seems . But with these huge decisions , I just get freaked out . I look at the pros and the cons , and I know in my heart what I really want ( I refer to it as my " McCoy " ) , but my brain always seems to chip in with its ideas of what would be better in the long - run ( my " Spock . " ) . It sucks . Sometimes I try to stick out a bad situation , thinking that once I get through it , everything will be fine . That 's why I tried to stay in student teaching and work it out . I thought that if I just got through it , I 'd graduate and be a better person and have more options for career choices and I wouldn 't have to do teaching if I didn 't want to . I didn 't have a choice in the end . After working in a harsh environment with an abusive supervising teacher , angry teenagers who hated on me every day , and a university supervisor who ignored the warning signs , I caved . I couldn 't do it . I didn 't really want to do student teaching , and in a roundabout way , I didn 't have to do it anymore , though it wasn 't necessarily my choice to go how I did . I was kicked out ( though they won 't use that term , it 's basically what happened ) . I wasted time , a lot of money , and I withstood psychological abuse to get where I am now , which isn 't even that glamorous . I mentioned before that I was having a hard time deciding between a job that would pay me money and a job that would make me happy . I consulted friends and family members for advice , and everyone had good points - and points that I had made in my own deductions . I know that no one else can make a decision for me , and that I am solely responsible for my own decisions . Well , anyway , I was worrying about this decision so much that it was making me sick . It was harder to sleep , I was worried . I went to go meet Alex in Greenfield on Thursday , and I would normally be excited , but I just felt so dead inside . He had brought Scott along as a surprise , which was nice , but I only got to spend an hour with them , when I had expected more . I don 't even know how I drove home , to be honest . I was so upset . I spent the rest of the evening in a funk . I didn 't want to eat , I didn 't even want to talk to Alex . I felt so miserable and full of self - loathing . I thought of how worthless I was , how I had to go to this job because no one else would hire me and I was a total loser . I think it is the worst I 've felt in a long time . I did call Alex , though . It was 11 : 00 at night , and he had just woken up after an unexpected nap and had missed dinner . We ended up spontaneously meeting up at the same place we had met earlier , but at midnight . We had dinner together , a chance to redo our date . We talked and I felt a lot better , lighter . I drove home happy in the pouring rain , blasting LCD Soundsystem while going through sleepy little towns . On Friday , I went to orientation for the high - paying job that I waited three months for . Yeah , that 's right . The testing and interview process was swift . They said they wanted me . But then they made me wait three months . It was so they could get a " class " of what seemed to be about fifteen people for orientation . I went up to the place last Friday for orientation , and within the first twenty minutes , while we were listening to the guy talk while we followed along on our own handout , I realized that this job would be horrible for me . Yeah , I know , you have to start somewhere , but I could see no way how I would actually be able to get out of this place if I wanted to . I don 't even know how long my assignment would last . They could have brought me in for training , and then let me go after the first week . I would hate to wait three months only to work a week . I sat through over an hour of this orientation when I finally saw a break and was able to get the supervisor aside and tell him I didn 't want the job . He wanted to know why , and I said , " Well , I thought I wanted it , but I really didn 't . " I actually felt quite at peace with my decision . I may be too prideful , or delusional , or I don 't know . I know , it 's crazy . But I believe that I will find something better , one day . Someday , I will earn the exact same amount of money - or more - in a job that I enjoy , rather than one would make me hate myself every day . In the meantime while I find a job , I 'm trying to keep myself busy - again . Today , Alex and I went to Petsmart and looked at the kitties ( SO CUTE ! ) , went bowling , and had ice cream cones at Good 's before he left about two hours ago . I 'm leaving tomorrow for Cincinnati . My aunt Jo was bugging me to come visit her . She 'll pay me if I clean and organize her sewing studio ( and there 's a bonus if I find her stereo remote ! ) . Stella , the dog that she and Uncle Dave adopted , will be coming home on Wednesday , so I 'll be the first to meet her . I 'll be in Cincy until Friday , and then I 'm going to visit my ( maternal ) grandparents and see if I can keep myself busy at their church festival until Sunday morning . I 'll stop at my ( paternal ) grandparents ' house on Sunday for a short visit and lunch on my way to Muncie , where I 'll be hanging out with friends , a full loop . June 21 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : life , love , summer | Leave a comment Yesterday evening around 6 : 30 , Alex and I met up at a shopping center that 's halfway for us . It has a lot of things to do , but we didn 't do much . We met in the bookstore , and we browsed a little , but didn 't buy anything . We walked around the whole center , getting a little wet from rain , but for the most part the weather was good - perhaps a little windy , though . The wind definitely gave my hair the " windswept look , " so much so that often it was in my face . We walked to the theater , but Alex didn 't want to see anything . It was probably a good idea , though I 'm still itching to see Bridesmaids ( I don 't want to go alone - I 've done that before , and I just feel weird ) , and I 'm sort of interested in Super 8 . We ended up at Paradise Bakery , and we had something to drink and - more importantly - cookies . Those are really good cookies . Alex and I attempted to find something else to do , and did a little driving around . It was just nice to be with him , since I don 't know if I 'll see him again this week before Sunday 's festivities for Thom 's birthday . If I do , it will probably be a similar mini - date like last night . I pointed out to him last night as we were saying goodbye that it was like we were starting over , as if we had just met and we wanted to do small dates just to get to know each other all over again . And yet , we 've been dating for over three years , and we weren 't doing too much talking as we were walking around - just holding hands , enjoying our time together . I came home and Mom and I were going to watch Bottle Shock , but the DVD we got from Netflix was badly scratched and we couldn 't watch it without stops and skips . We watched a few episodes of True Blood instead , and I tried to work on my sock , but somehow I really messed up the heel flap and turning the heel , and though I tried to go back and fix it , I ended up just unraveling the whole thing . I was mad . You would think that having done a pattern all the way through before wouldn 't be such a problem the second time around . I woke up earlier today , and I 've already done some job searching that left me with no good results . Bummer . I 've got to do some working out and cleaning and reading to do today , too . I think I might finally attempt to get my real bedroom in order ; I 've been sleeping in the guest bedroom because the bed is bigger , but since my grandparents are coming this weekend , I 'll be kicked out . June 20 , 2011 in Rambling | Tags : family , friends , general deviancy , happiness , life , Pendleton , summer , television shows , work | Leave a comment After I wrote that last blog post , i went off to my interview . I walked in , they gave me an application to fill out , and I was led to a room where three other people were filling out their applications . The two other girls were wearing power suits , and the guy was also wearing a suit . I immediately thought of my own outfit , which was a nice blouse and a skirt . I felt out of place immediately . As I filled out the application , I realized that I was not the person that they wanted . I was almost finished with the application when I just - stopped . I stood up and walked out into the lobby , and gave the man in charge back my application packet , explaining that I didn 't feel I was qualified enough . He tried to talk me out of leaving , but I was too upset . I thanked him for the opportunity , and then walked out . I was sobbing before I got back to my car in the parking lot . I sat in my car for a little bit . It was hot , and I was humiliated . It had been my third interview opportunity since graduation , and I just blew it . But I didn 't want to stay however long they needed me to and then wait around for them to say that I wasn 't right for the position , when I knew from the get - go that I wasn 't . I didn 't want to go back home . I didn 't want to admit to my mom that I just blew it . So I called Alex . He was hanging out with Scott at his house since his car 's battery wasn 't yet replaced . He said I could come over . There was a horrendous mess of construction and accidents , so I ended up in my car for an hour in traffic , sweating , feeling a sense of shame and just being an absolute wreck . Yeah , that was awesome . I was so glad to finally get to Alex 's , though the back of my shirt was soaked with sweat by the time I got there - at least he gave me a shirt of his to wear instead . Scott was still there , and though I hadn 't originally intended on staying for dinner , I was invited to , so I did . It was really nice with Alex , his parents , and Scott there . It gave me a sense of a perfect family moment , and I don 't know when the last time I felt something like that . I was able to calm down ; I felt better when I told the truth about what had happened before I told my mom . It gave me a feeling of confidence when I was told that it was okay , and that everything will work out . After dinner , Alex , Scott , and I played a game of Torres , ate berries with whipped cream , and watched some E3 coverage before I went home . I felt better - not great , but better by the time I got home . Nothing much else happened that week , though I have been trying to write and read every day , and I 've been knitting like crazy . I finished a pair of socks , and I 'm working on another one . I 'll probably have that second pair done by Thursday . I still sit on my ass a lot and watch Nip / Tuck and True Blood . I still haven 't had the motivation to work on moving all my stuff into a more permanent arrangement , but I know I need to do it . Last Sunday , I went back up to Muncie . Alex had been there the night before , and the guys didn 't actually end up playing Dungeons and Dragons . It cramped mine and Krista 's girlie time , but we still made cottage pie , watched Juno , and played Mario Party with Alex and Tanner . Alex went home with me and stayed the night , which was a nice relief . Then , I had been invited to see Sarah and stay with her on Monday , so I kicked Alex out early and made it to Columbus by noon . Sarah and I ate Indian food ( and had Indian food babies ) , walked around , went to the park and walked around , had a lot of good heart - to - heart time , had ice cream sodas , knit , played with her dogs ( Her dogs were really cute and made me want to have a dog , but I know that I 'm very much a cat person - I guess it 's the same way with other people 's kids . ) , ate artisan bread and had iced lattes while watching The Green Hornet . I know that 's a huge run - on sentence . No , I 'm not going to correct it . So yeah , I had a lovely time with my Sarah . It was unbelievable that we crammed all that into our time together , and that when I left it was actually Tuesday . Time is really strange when you don 't have any actual daily commitments like a job or school . You can have your weekend anytime , all the time … I went back home and did some relaxing , but I also had to go buy another new phone because while I was at Sarah 's , I realized the screen on mine was broken . Since I like being able to know who I 'm calling , who is calling me , and the ability to text , I went out and replaced it . I got the same model as the last , and the one before that ( the one who 's fate ended up in toilet back in December ) , but this time with insurance . It needs it if I 'm its owner . Friday and Saturday were True Blood days with my mom . She hasn 't seen the third season yet , and we decided to rewatch the first two , which was probably a good idea since I forgot some of what happened , and we finished the second season on Saturday night . We 're rather crazy . Yesterday was Father 's Day and I called my two grandpas and my dad . My maternal grandparents will be coming in on Thursday night and staying until Sunday afternoon , so it will be good to see them . Then I drove up to Krista 's and the guys weren 't playing D & D again this week , we had already arranged our hanging - out time . It was just me , Nick , and Krista there . We watched The Breakfast Club because Krista had never seen it before , and then Krista and I made enchiladas . Nick brought out his Dance Dance Revolution game , and we tried to play , but one pad was dead and the other one had a finicky back arrow that filled us with frustration . I left at about 9 : 00 and went home . Mom and I watched another episode of True Blood before she went to bed . I woke up this morning around 7 : 30 . The bedroom was orange because of the glow of the rising sun . It was sort of fantastical . I went back to sleep , though , and woke up to a huge , gray thunderstorm . I haven 't yet done anything of note today , but I 'm excited for this evening because I get to see my boy . Hopefully the weather 's nice , because we were planning to walk around outside . I hate to feel so negative . It doesn 't make me feel good . But I don 't know , necessarily , how to make myself feel better . I 'm trying , but due to the fact that I don 't have a job yet , it 's rather limited . I miss being a student , and having goals to accomplish at that level - papers to write , assignments to read , professors and fellow peers to have intelligent conversation with . I used to have a job . It was minimum wage and I couldn 't work over twenty hours a week , but I had great supervisors and nice people as coworkers . I was a hard worker , and even though it didn 't pay much , but I worked hard , and I was happy . Of course , I 'll admit that I 'm happier now than I ever was during student teaching . I don 't have to deal with constant bullying and ridicule from over a hundred students a day and my supervising teacher . I can actually spend time being myself . Sometimes a little too much time to myself , anymore . I miss my friends . When I lived in Muncie , most of them were a walk or a bike ride away . Now , it takes forty - five minutes to get there and forty - five to get back . Therefore , I don 't get much social interaction anymore . I know , the job market is hard . It 's even harder knowing that there are just so many positions that I 'm not qualified for . I 've had two interviews since graduation . One went all right , and it was in a very upscale area , but I didn 't get the position . I don 't know why I always get my hopes up . When I found out , I told Alex . He had an interview that day , and it went well . About an hour later , the doorbell rang . There he was . He didn 't stay very long , but I appreciate that he wanted to console me . I had another interview last Friday . It wasn 't one I was particularly looking forward to , especially since it seems no one really wants to give you the information you need , like what sort of position you 're interviewing for . I spent more time in the waiting area than I actually did in the interview - which lasted five minutes . Let us just say that I bombed that interview , big time . But for the record , they wanted a salesperson and should have said that up front . I 'm not a salesperson . I can 't sell things . One time in high school , my mom just wanted me to pay for a fundraiser . , rather than sell candy bars . I wanted to prove her wrong , so I tried to sell , and failed . Unfortunately , the fact that I can 't sell things has really limited my career options at the moment . In the meantime , I do try to keep myself busy . I workout ( though it would be better if I could go to a gym ) , read , and write . I 've been working some interesting writing projects , and I 've been reading the thirty books I discovered that I own but I 've never read before . I 've also been knitting a pair of socks and re - watching Nip / Tuck . I 'm currently on the second season . So , when it comes down to it , I spend a lot of time sitting on my ass . I want a job . I want to move out of the house . Living with my mother again after being in college for four years - and not returning to P - town for the past two summers - is sucking , to put it so bluntly . None of my friends live around here - or well , one of them does , but she 's currently in London for the next two weeks . I 'm lonely . My mom comes home from work and doesn 't even ask me how my day is . I understand that it may not look like I do anything at all , but still , it would be nice to be appreciated . I cook , I clean , I run errands . I wake my mom up when she falls asleep on the couch while watching television or in between work and schoolwork . She never asks , though , and she just complains about her day . Living with my mother has started making me resent her . I love her dearly , and I don 't know what I would do if she wasn 't in my life , but right now , living with her is hurting me and my relationship with her . I think that Alex and I have both strengthened our relationship through our mutual unemployment and living with our parents , but it 's still not as good as it could be . No income , therefore , no big dates - but that 's not really my problem . When I lived in an apartment with three other roommates and I only got to see Alex every other weekend , I 'd say things were better than me living with my mother ( despite being only a half hour away now ) and getting to see him maybe twice a week . I at least saw Alex for at least two to three consecutive days with the former situation . One of the times we see each other is when we go up to Muncie together and he plays Dungeons and Dragons with the guys while I knit and chat with Krista , so it 's not even like we 're alone anymore when we see each other . I look forward to Sunday evenings when he stays the night - even though it is for such a short while . Yesterday , we went up to Muncie , but Alex had trouble with Domino , his car . When he went to get dinner , Tanner had to go jump his car later . When we tried to leave , the car wouldn 't start again ; they tried to jump it , but it still didn 't work . Luckily , Tanner 's a nice guy and drove me home , but Alex stayed in Muncie . One of the only times I get to see him anymore , and it was cut short . I was so sad last night . I hated myself for being so selfish , since it was more important that Alex has reliable transportation and that we are both safe , but my heart ached . I had to come back home , though . I have an interview at 5 : 00 today . I 'm a bit more optimistic about this one than the last one , but still nervous . I just feel like I 'm nothing , or a little kid , to these interviewers . It does wonders for my self - esteem ( not ) . I hate being in this limbo . I wonder how I am supposed to be an adult when I 'm back where I started from four years ago - I may be older now , but four years ago , I was still hanging out at home , doing the same thing I 'm doing now . Being here is killing my love life , my relationships , my sanity , and my self - esteem . I 'm trying my best to get out , but I feel like it is a force of nature that 's keeping me from being where I want to be . May 17 , 2011 in 101 Goals | Tags : 101 Goals , identity , life | 1 comment Back in November of 2009 , I started a challenge to myself . A list of 101 Goals to accomplish in 1001 Days . My list was a variety of goals , including ones that would bring me closer to my family , encourage thinking and creating , and tasks that helped me become a better person / adult . In February , I was getting completely stomped on by my student teaching experience , so I put the list on hiatus . It remained as such even when I withdrew from my student teaching . And today , I 'd like to announce that I 'm restarting my 101 Goals in 1001 Days from where I left off . If you need a refresher of the list , look here . To this date , I have accomplished 36 / 101 tasks on my list . A little better than my last " Hey - this - is - how - many - I 've done " update , but not incredibly spectacular . I 'm not exactly sad - definitely not like how I was before graduation , but I am in a slump . It 's hard to get motivated . I haven 't read or wrote anything in the past week , and I haven 't done much of anything . Well , that 's not entirely true , but if you were around me at all this past week , you would also say that I 'm being a lazy bum . I haven 't even really unpacked , since I 've been bouncing between Pendleton , Muncie , and on one occasion , Lexington . My clothes are in the dressers , but my toiletries are still in a travel bag , and I just haven 't had the motivation to unpack or sort through all my belongings . I 'm hoping next week I will be able to pull myself together and get to work . No word on my job . Well , I mean , I got it , it 's just that the training hasn 't started yet , and it 's been over a month since I had the interview and was told that the people want me . I 'm not feeling totally optimistic . I really want to start working . I need the money , and I need some sort of structure or schedule to my day . I got to see my boy on Wednesday . We watched FLCL ( one of the gifts he got me for graduation ) , listened to LCD Soundsystem 's This is Happening ( the other gift he got me for graduation ) , and went to Sno Castle and had our first snocones of the season . Yum . Thursday was my mom 's birthday , and I made her a nice dinner and for dessert , margarita cupcakes . They 're pretty good cupcakes , though I messed up on the frosting and it was really drippy . I liked the lime flavor of the cupcakes , even though I feel like they ended up being too sweet for me . We also watched Red , which is full of awesome . Friday was a good day . I got out of the house and met my mom during her break for lunch . We ate at Monical 's , a pizza place I had never been before . It was nice . Afterward , I spent some money . I ended up at Always in Stitches , a yarn store nearby that I had never been before , and fought my urge to buy really pretty , great , but expensive yarn . Maybe another day . Probably another day . I stopped by Barnes and Noble , where I picked up The Call of Cthulhu , and Best Buy , where I bought Deadmau5 's 4 × 4 = 12 . After that , I drove to Anderson and bought some yarn at Hobby Lobby . I know , I bought yarn anyway , but in my defense , it was for a current project ( and a few future prospective projects … ) . I came back home and wrote fifteen thank - you notes in one sitting , which I 'm pretty sure is a new record for me . Saturday , Mom and I hung out the whole day . We both ran our own errands in the morning , and then watched movies on television for the the majority of the day . I finally convinced her that we should go to the library and get movies , so we did that and watched The Hangover and Hot Tub Time Machine . I got most of the way through knitting a hat , realized I messed it up , and had to restart it . By 8 : 30 , we had finished both our movies and were incredibly bored . And that was the story of the night . Yesterday , it took me forever to get motivated . I finished the hat I was knitting the night before , packed up my things ( reluctantly , since I 'm so sick and tired of moving around ) , and drove down to Lexington . Cindy is on a business trip this week , and Dad asked if I could help him out with the boys . Because I haven 't started working yet , I took up his offer . I didn 't have any problems on the drive , except it rained the whole time and I was bored because it was a three - hour trip and there was no one to talk to , unless you count talking to yourself . I stayed up late last night , even though I shouldn 't have , and Dad woke me up at 5 : 30 before he left . He had done most of the preparation from last night , but I was very efficient at getting my brothers up , dressed , fed , hair fixed ( you should see the bedheads on those kids ) and at the bus stop , all while playing Pokemon Yellow on my Gameboy Color . Yes , I 'm twenty - two . Don 't judge me . I stayed up a little after the boys left , mostly because I had a cup of coffee , but I went back to bed around 8 : 00 . I woke up two hours later , and lately , I 've been doing a whole lot of nothing . I think I have three hours before the kids get home from school , so I should probably workout and take my shower . Tomorrow , the kids are off school , so I 'll be hanging out with them all day . |
Home infected Hybrid Chronicles : Tucker & Luka April 13 , 2013 | Author sexstory Hey everyone ! Gweall and I are at it again with another collaboration . We kinda love working together , if you haven 't noticed . It 's always a lot of fun . If you don 't know who Gweall is , I suggest you go find out . Tucker rolled out of bed with a low growl . He stretched his furred arms high above his head before dropping them and lumbering towards the kitchen for breakfast . He grabbed a semi - clean bowl and filled it with milk and fruit loops . He pushed some stray papers off the table and sat down in one of the rickety chairs that hardly held his weight . " Man , I really need to get someone in here to clean all of this , " he said out loud . He finished his breakfast and headed for the shower . His large form took up most of the room and the claws on his feet often scratched the bottom of the tub . Though most of his mass was muscle , a lot of it was fur . He had been a big guy before the mutation , and now he was even bigger . Being mixed with a grizzly bear only increased his furriness and his stature . He stood at probably 6 ′ 3 ″ and weighing in at 220 pounds . His body was lined with muscle . The small rounded ears on the top of his head completely contradicted everything else about his body . He had developed the teeth of the large bear , which he wasn 't completely upset about . He stepped out of the shower and dried himself off . After pulling on a pair of jeans and a shirt , he began cleaning up around the house . He worked as a contractor and was paid surprisingly well . Not to mention he believed in getting by with only what he needed , so he didn 't waste money on lavish things . He could have afforded to hire someone to clean up his small apartment , but he wasn 't that lazy . He picked up the clothes and started the laundry . The dishes were done quickly and he vacuumed up the small amount of hair he did shed . He opened the windows to the small apartment , letting in some air . It smelled like it was about to rain . He stretched and looked around the now clean home . He nodded in satisfaction before closing up the windows , grabbing his wallet and stepping out the door . The streets were beautiful . They were lined with Infected after Infected , not a human in sight . Not 50 years ago Infected were enslaved and treated lower than animals . Now they were the top dogs . Humans served as slaves , if they were still around . Most had died off or were scurrying about the streets like rats . A few years ago , another outbreak of the virus hit , turning even more of the humans into Infected . This time the virus had mutated , and Infected could reproduce . Their offspring bore resemblance to only one of their parents , usually the Infected . As more and more humans started to dwindle off , Infected began to reign supreme . Tucker walked down the street , comfortable among his own people . He stopped at a store and stepped inside . The clerk that greeted him was a poodle . Her voice was high pitched and just as annoying as the dog itself . He gave her a friendly smile anyways , before looking through the racks of clothing . In the back of the store there was a section labeled ' Humans ' He hesitated , before walking over to the few aisles designated for the dying species . " I guess . " Tucker mumbled . He didn 't really agree with how the Infected treated their human cohabitants . Sure , humans had enslaved them and tortured them for years . But not these humans . The ones who were around when everything had first started were either dead or too old to be any harm . It wasn 't fair to treat this generation of humans like this . In Tucker 's eyes , this made them no better than the humans all that time ago . He picked up a shiny collar and examined it for a moment before putting it down . The clothes in the section were few and far between , but the leashes , collars , gags , and blindfolds were plentiful . He shook his head before walking back to the section labeled ' Large Mammals ' . He picked out a new jacket , a pair of pants , and a shirt . After ringing up the items , the clerk smiled cheerfully at him and waved goodbye as he walked out of the store . It had started raining when he was inside , but the rain didn 't bother him . He had only been walking for a few minutes when he heard a shout . He turned to see what was going on and felt a light tap against his chest . He heard a small ' oof ' and looked down to see a thin human staring up at him with wide eyes . Luka fought his way out from under the newspapers he 'd been using as a blanket . The rain must have just started and already the papers were a soggy mess . He stood and started peeling it away . The ink ran off the paper and added yet another greyish stain to what had once been a white T - shirt . He ran his hand through his hair and immediately regretted it . His blond hair was knotted and disgustingly dirty and greasy . He sighed and looked around his alley . There had been a time when others shared the spot with him , but they were all long gone and he didn 't know what had happened to them . It was an unspoken thing that all bonds were temporary . They had to be . Still , he 'd liked them and he hoped they 'd found a nicer place , but he knew that was unlikely . He didn 't even know if there was such a thing anymore . There was a loud crack above him and one of the gutters broke loose from the building . A stream of water poured down into the alley . Luka went over to it and tried to rinse away some of the grime that he 'd acquired . Once he felt that he was as clean as he was going to get , Luka left the alley . He walked with his head down , eyes focused on the sidewalk . He tried to make himself as small as possible , an easy task considering he was about 5 ' 4 ″ and rail thin . The last thing he needed was trouble . After about few minutes of walking , Luka found his destination . He darted into the alley behind Franklin 's Bakery and grabbed the cinder block he kept hidden behind the dumpster . He used it as a step stool and landed with a thud on the pile of trash bags . He reached forward and tore open a bag . After a few seconds of searching , Luka found a donut with pink frosting and sprinkles . There was only one bite taken out of it . Luka silently celebrated and peeled the napkin off his breakfast . He ate quickly so as not to allow the embarrassment of his situation to ruin a good find . He licked his lips and smiled for the first time in a while . Luka loved sweets and that was the first one he 'd had in a long time . He decided to take it as a sign that it was going to be a great day . He stood with new - found confidence and tried to ease himself out of the dumpster . However , the slippery conditions made it hard for him to get out and soon he found himself landing hard on his ass . He let out a whimper , but didn 't allow himself any more than that . He didn 't want to get caught dumpster diving . At best , that would lead to getting yelled at or maybe a beating . The worst possible outcome would be the police getting involved and possibly going to jail or slave training . " Shit , " he muttered . Luka forced himself to his feet even though he was still sore from his fall . He started to run . A flying projectile struck him on the back of the knee and he fell again , but quickly scrambled to his feet and ran more . His worn sneakers slipped on the wet sidewalk and he stumbled when he lost one , but kept going . He had no destination in mind . All he knew was he couldn 't get caught . He could feel a cramp starting to form in his side and he coughed a bit , but he didn 't stop running . He turned a corner quickly , hoping that he could make his trail more difficult to follow . He crashed into a solid , fur covered form . It seemed like the human was crying and having some sort of asthma attack . " Please , " he squeaked . " Please help … " " What are you doing , kid ? " Tucker asked , but the police reached him before the human could answer . " Is that thing yours ? " The officer asked , putting emphasis on the word ' thing ' . Tucker looked at the frightened human , who had poked his head out from under his arm , still hiding behind Tucker . " Uh … " Tucker didn 't know what to say . " Yeah … " All the while his brain screamed at him ' What the fuck are you doing ! ? ' . One of the officers sneered . " You really should keep that thing on a leash . " " I 'll take note of that , thanks , " Tucker said , not really interested . " And clean it up , too . It smells . " One of the officers wrinkled his nose . They both scoffed at the tiny human and turned around , walking back the way they came . Tucker turned around to face the small man . The human had sunk to his knees and was clutching at his side , trying to catch his breath . " I … was , uh … in the dumpster , " he said between gasps . " I got … got caught . " " Alright , alright . Just calm down , " Tucker said , the boy was panting hard and was obviously having trouble breathing from his escape . Tucker looked around . Several people were staring and he rolled his large brown eyes . " Come on , " he said , and began walking back to his home . The small human coughed and followed Tucker , struggling to keep up with the bear hybrid 's long strides . He cleared his throat . " Do I … have to pay ? " He cleared his throat again and then softly added , " I don 't have any money . " " What ? No , kid . Just … come on , " Tucker mumbled . He wasn 't really used to talking to other people . He felt awkward and clumsy around the small human . " Where are you taking me ? " the kid asked . He looked around nervously . " Back to my place . They weren 't joking , you do kind of smell . " Tucker said . The human blushed . " I 'm sorry . " " It 's not your fault … " Tucker said , awkwardly . He opened the door to his house and the human hesitated . " Just come in . " The kid scurried inside and looked around the newly cleaned home . " What now ? " the kid asked . He was visibly shaking as he looked around . He finally met Tucker 's eyes , but then he looked away quickly . " Jesus , what happened to you , kid ? Just hop in the shower . I 'll see if I can find you something to wear , " Tucker said . The kid backed away slowly . He seemed reluctant to turn his back on Tucker , but eventually he had to as he looked for the bathroom . He darted into the room and closed the door quickly . Tucker watched him go , confused by his skittish nature . He wondered what it was like back when humans were top of the food chain . He shook his head and his thoughts landed on food . He assumed the kid hadn 't eaten in a while and was probably starving , especially if he had been digging through trash . He picked up the phone and was about to dial the number for the nearest pizza place when he realized he didn 't know what the boy would want on his . Without thinking he walked to the bathroom and opened the door , revealing the backside of a naked human . He blushed and looked down as fast as he could . " I 'm ordering a pizza … I just didn 't know what you would want . I 'm sorry . " Tucker repeated again , mentally kicking himself for just barging in . " I just haven 't really been around anyone in a long time . I 'm sorry . " ' Why do I keep saying I 'm sorry , damn it ? ' he asked himself . " Sorry … " He couldn 't stop himself from saying it again . " Come on , kid , you 're starving . You 're as thin as a twig . " Tucker cringed , recalling the brief glimpse of a skeletal frame . " It won 't cost you nothin ' just tell me what you want on it . I 'll eat anything . " Tucker said , still nervous and awkward around the slim boy . " Okay , I can do that . Uh , go ahead and wash up … I 'm sorry , again . I didn 't mean to … . Sorry . " He mumbled , before stepping away from the door . He hesitated and stepped back . " Hey , kid … " He started . " What 's your name ? " " Luka , " the kid replied . " Nice to meet you , Luka . I 'm Tucker . " Tucker said . " You can call me Tuck … if you want . " Tucker said . ' I never let anyone call me Tuck , why am I saying he can call me Tuck ? ' He stared yelling at himself in his mind . After a period of silence , Luka said , " Thanks . " Tucker heard the water start . He swallowed and went back to the living room to go order the cheese pizza . Luka had to admit the shower was nice . For the first ten minutes , he just stood under the warm water , enjoying how it felt . The water was draining away grey and Luka hadn 't even started scrubbing at his matted blond hair . He looked around and saw a large bottle with a picture of a bear covered in suds . He reached down and grabbed the bottle , wondering if it was alright to use . He sniffed it and it reminded him of the pine trees in the park . He put a dime sized amount in the palm of his hand and started to wash his hair . He tried to focus on getting clean and not think about the fact that Tucker had walked in on him . Luka was disgusted by his own body . It was usually dirty and covered in bruises . His ribs were starting to poke out and he wasn 't at all muscular . He started to cry a bit and tried to stop it , but he couldn 't . Soon he was sobbing and watching the dirty water drain away . He hated where he was in life and he was scared . He didn 't know what Tucker wanted from him . No one was ever this nice . He stopped his tears when the water started to run cold . He turned it off and stepped out , looking for a towel . He grabbed one and started to dry himself off . The towel was huge and soft and he found that he liked the feeling of wrapping up in it . Once he was covered , he opened the door just a crack . " Um … Tucker ? " he called out . " I 'm done . " " Oh , uh … okay . Hold on . " He heard the grizzly say , in his nervous voice . He heard him rummage around in some drawers and then there was a knock on the door . " Uh … I have some clothes … I don 't think they 'll fit . But it 's all I have for now . I can go buy you something while you eat , if you want . " Tucker said . He opened the door and without coming all the way in , stuck his hand through the small gap . Luka took the large shirt and put it on . It hung down to the middle of his thigh and one of his bony shoulders stuck out . " Uhm … " He didn 't know what would happen if he asked for clothes . " I think this is OK . " He put on the shorts and did the best he could with the drawstring , but they still hung low on his hips . He slowly opened the door and stepped out , his eyes trained on the ground . He heard Tucker laugh and glanced up quickly . " Uh , I can go get you something . They 're not that expensive and I won 't use the money for anything else . The pizza is in there . Help yourself . You can have anything I have to drink … I think all I have is water and some milk … But I can pick up something . Just … Uh … stay here … Okay ? " Tucker said . He grabbed his wallet and headed towards the door . " I 'll lock the door , to make sure you 're okay … Uh … Cups are up there … Uh … bye , " he mumbled , still shy . His deep voice sounded commanding and strong , but somehow he was almost as meek and embarrassed as Luka was . Luka got himself a glass of water and started on the pizza . It was delicious and as much as he wanted to stuff the whole thing in his face , he paced himself to avoid making himself sick . He looked around the kitchen and for a moment he felt bad for Tucker . Luka didn 't know much about homes , but this one seemed lonely . Tucker wasn 't gone long , and he soon came back with two bags in hand . One of them was filled with clothes fit for a human , and the other had two liters of soda , a carton of juice , and a small pack of beers . Tucker put the drinks in the fridge and then picked up the clothes . " Uh , they didn 't have much . But I got what looked decent . I didn 't know what size you were so I got the smallest they had … I think it will work … " he mumbled , and handed Luka the bag . Luka accepted the clothes and made an effort to look Tucker in the eye as he said , " Thank you . " He carried the clothes into the bathroom and put them on . The clothes did fit well . He looked at himself in the mirror and combed his hair with his fingers . For the first time , he actually thought he looked almost good . Tucker had made a wise choice with the black shirt and skinny jeans . Luka stepped out of the bathroom . He wasn 't sure what was going to happen next . " Uh , did you get enough to eat ? " Tucker asked , before he even touched the pizza . Luka nodded . " Yes . Thank you . " He sat down nervously across from Tucker and watched the big bear eat and drink a beer . He was starting to feel a little more comfortable and he thought that maybe Tuck wouldn 't ask anything in return . It was hard to hand the clothes to the small human . Seeing him in his clothes , and after he used his shampoo , he smelled like him . It turned him on to no end . He had never been attracted to other men , but this one drove him crazy . He thought it was best that the younger man put on some clothes that actually fit , otherwise Tuck was worried he would maul him . The young man seemed to be warming up to him quickly . He sat there quietly watching Tucker eat and drink a beer . He didn 't drink that often , but he did like a cool beer every now and then . " I really appreciate everything , " Luka said . " I can leave whenever you want . " " You don 't have to rush off , if you don 't want to , " Tucker said . " I have plenty of room … The couch folds out into a bed … if you want to stay there . " The truth was Tucker didn 't want him to leave . He liked having the other man around , even if it was awkward . He also didn 't want him to sleep in a different bed . Luka glanced at the couch . " If it 's OK with you … I really would like to . At least until the weather gets better . My alley is probably soaked still … " " Alley ? You live in an alley ? " Tucker was shocked . Sure , the young man didn 't look the best . But it was still shocking that someone would live in an alley . It was just one of those things you heard about but never faced . Luka blushed . " Uh … yeah . It 's not so bad though . I mean … well the gutter broke so a lot of water got in it but usually that doesn 't happen because it 's uphill … and it 's got a lot of boxes to sleep on … " Luka stopped trying to defend his home and sighed . Tucker stared at the man , and couldn 't help but feel his heart ache for him . He wanted to help the boy , but he was so skittish . " Well , you 're welcome to stay here as long as you like . " Tucker said . " I have no problem with it . " He smiled at Luka . Luka smiled for a while , but then looked nervous . " I can 't pay rent . There 's not really a lot of work for humans … " " You don 't need to pay for anything . It 's fine . I don 't spend money that often and it won 't kill me to buy a little extra food . " Tucker smiled . " Do you … um … want other sorts of payment ? " Luka 's skin was dark pink and he was staring at the table . " What ? " Tucker was shocked . " N - no … I didn 't mean … Uh … " Tucker blushed . " You don 't have to do … uh … that … " Tucker felt awkward . Though it didn 't seem possible , Luka 's blush deepened . " I 'm sorry . I … I mean I could clean if you want . I can 't really cook but I could learn . " " Oh , uh … sure . If you want . You don 't have to , though . I 'm kind of a slob . I finally cleaned this place today , after like a month . " Tucker blushed and laughed . Luka smiled a bit and finally looked at Tucker again . " I 'll help with the cleaning . I think I 'd be good at that kind of thing . I mean , I 've never had a home but … " Luka stopped abruptly and looked away again . " Never ? " Tucker asked , softly . The confession shocked him to the core . The thought of never having a home made him sick . Sure , his home wasn 't much . It was cold , and the roof leaked , and the water pressure sucked . But it was still his home . " I 'm sorry . " Tucker said , and then came to a decision . " No one should have to live like that , Luka . You 're welcome to stay here . " He paused . " This could be your home , too . " He fiddled with his plate , blushing . Luka hadn 't ever given much thought to what it would be like to have a home . He 'd never thought it would be possible . Most humans didn 't have one and the ones who did were slaves . After the initial shock , Luka liked the idea of a real bed and a roof over his head . He didn 't even particularly mind the idea of sharing the space with Tucker . The large man seemed very kind , not to mention Luka had a strange urge to be held in those big muscular arms . Luka smiled as he looked around . There was food in the kitchen . He wouldn 't have to dive into dumpsters for a meal . He was excited about the prospect of sleeping on the folded out sofa . He 'd never slept on anything other than collapsed boxes . He wondered if he would even get a blanket and pillow . He was nearly shaking with excitement . " Thank you so much , " he said . " Of course . " Tucker smiled at him warmly . " We can go shopping . You can pick out some clothes for yourself ; I 'll get you some of your own shampoo and what not . " Tucker smiled even wider . Luka felt like his jaw was gonna drop . " I … I 'd like that a lot . " He grinned and stood , grabbing Tucker 's now empty plate . " I 'll start cleaning now . Just show me how to do everything and I 'll start right now . " " Uh … okay . " Tucker smiled . " So , you don 't want to go shopping now then ? " Tucker asked . " At least let me clean the bathtub first , " Luka said . " I , uh … I really left a mess … " " Sure . " Tucker smiled . " Uh , I just realized something . " Tucker said , blushing . " What ? " Luka asked . " Uh , if we 're going out … I mean … It 's the law … that … Uh … humans … have to wear leashes … It 's a stupid law , I know . " Tucker blushed . Luka 's eyes got wide . " A leash ? I … uh … oh that 's … " Luka coughed nervously . " Do you … I mean … have you ever put a person on a leash ? Does everyone do that ? " " I haven 't … ever … that is . Uh , most people do . It 's the law . People who are with humans outside usually own them … as slaves . I never really thought it was right . I understand if you don 't want to go out , I can just go buy what you need . " Tucker said . Luka really didn 't like the idea of being on a leash , but the thought of shopping was still enticing . He 'd never been inside a store and had never been able to actually select something to purchase . It sounded amazing . " I … I guess I could deal with it . I really want to see what it 's like to go shopping . " " You 've never been shopping ? " Tucker asked . " It 's weird , I take all these things for granted , I never thought of someone not ever getting to go shopping . Uh , I 'll run and go grab a leash , stay here . I 'll be right back . " He said , before grabbing his wallet and running out the door . Luka took the opportunity to run to the bathroom and scrub the tub clean before Tucker could see the mess . He heard Tucker 's return just as he was finishing . The large man was holding a plastic bag awkwardly . " Uh , are you ready to go ? " He asked , fiddling with the bag in his hands . Luka nodded . " I guess … " Tucker emptied the bag and Luka looked at the black collar warily . " I guess that goes on first then . " He picked the strap of leather up and tried to put it on himself , but his hands were shaking . " Yeah … Uh , here . " Tucker reached around Luka 's neck and fiddled with the collar . He stepped closer , their faces only a few inches apart . Their eyes met as they both blushed . The snap of the collar echoed through the room and Luka swallowed nervously . The sensation of the collar was strange , but it was nothing compared to how being so close to Tucker made him feel . He was lightheaded and he wanted to just fall forward , knowing a warm , muscular chest awaited him . He stepped back , afraid of what might happen if he allowed himself to do what he 'd been thinking about . He grabbed the leash and attached it to the collar himself because it was only slightly less humiliating than allowing Tucker to do it . " I guess we 're ready . " " Yeah … okay . " Tucker smiled . He grabbed the lead and began walking towards the door . " Do you want to get clothes first ? We can go to the place I picked those up , if you like them . " Tucker pointed at what Luka was wearing . " Yeah , I like them , " Luka said . " Um … Please take shorter steps . " " Oh , sorry . " Tucker slowed down . " I guess my legs are kind of long . " He blushed , only now noticing how Luka struggled to keep up with his fast pace . He slowed down enough so that they were walking side by side . " Do those fit okay ? They had more in that size … " Tucker said . " The pants are a little tight on my uh … " Luka stopped , but the damage had been done and now he knew that Tucker at least was thinking about his ass if not looking . " Oh … uh … okay . Well , they have dressing rooms . So you can try a different size . " Tucker said , smiling . " Oh , yeah . Most stores have them . You just put on the clothes before you buy them , to make sure they fit . " Tucker explained , a smile on his face . Luka smiled . The leash looked like it was going to be worth it . " That 's amazing . " " I guess . " Tucker smiled . " How about after this , we go to a restaurant . I 'm sure you 've never eaten out before . " Tucker beamed . " I 've eaten from the dumpsters behind restaurants , " Luka said . He blushed after realizing that wasn 't something to brag about . " Well , when you eat inside , it 's even better . The food is warm . " Tucker winked . Luka smiled . " I 'd like that . " " I thought you would . " Tucker smiled at him , as they arrived at their destination . He opened the door for Luka and Luka 's eyes went wide with amazement . Luka stared at the racks of clothes . There was every color and every size . Signs indicated which gender and which breed each was for . " Where are the human clothes ? " " Uh , over there . " Tucker pointed . A large sign reading ' Humans ' hung over the few isles . Luka smiled and ran over to the isles for his dying species . He was shocked when he got there . The salesgirl approached them with a sneer on her face . " Sir , you really need to control that human better . He can 't be running like that . Could I interest you in some discipline devices ? " " Uh , no . Thank you … and … sorry . " Tucker said , embarrassed . He grabbed the leash hanging from Luka 's neck and Luka blushed heavily . Putting down the leather contraption . The salesgirl smiled politely , though it was obvious it was strained . " Just ask if you need help . We got a very nice shipment of whips recently . " She turned and went to help the bull hybrid that had just entered the store . " I 'm sorry , " Luka whispered . " Don 't be . She 's a bitch . " Tucker said , for the first time not seeming to be so awkward and uncomfortable around Luka . " You have every right to be excited . Go ahead . " Tucker pushed him forward with a large paw . " Why is all this stuff here ? " Luka asked . " Uh , I 've heard a lot of human owners are into bondage and what not … they like to humiliate their slaves . " Tucker frowned . " Don 't worry about that , " he said , after Luka put on a horrified face . Luka finally found a rack with clothing and started to browse . " I think I like this one , " he said , holding up a red shirt . He realized it was made of some sort of mesh material and quickly put it away . " Never mind . " Tucker laughed in a deep grizzly voice . He smiled even wider when Luka blushed . " How about this ? " He held up a pair of tight jeans . They would hug every bit of Luka , but they weren 't see through so that was a plus . Luka took the jeans and examined them . " I guess this is the best option . " " Here , try this on with it . " Tucker handed him a sleeveless black shirt . Luka held both items of clothing and let Tucker lead him to the fitting rooms . He had the presence of mind to wait for Tucker to unhook the leash . He changed into the other clothes and examined himself in the mirror . He wondered if Tucker would like what he was wearing . He stepped out shyly to find out . " Wow … you look great . " Tucker greeted him when he stepped out of the changing rooms . " Here , I found these . I know they 're kind of … uh … yeah … But just see how they look , okay ? " Tucker said . " You really do look amazing . You should get that . " Tucker said , he looked like he was sweating . He handed Luka the clothes he had in his hand and Luka held them up . The pants were leather , and the top was long sleeve and tighter than the pants . It wasn 't see through , thank god , but it was tight enough . Luka accepted the clothes and went to try them on . It took him a while to wedge himself into them and he was sure he looked absolutely ridiculous . " Don 't laugh , " he said , before he opened the door . " Wow … you look great . " Tucker greeted him again . " I know I said that last time , but … wow … " Tucker really looked like he was hot this time . " Uh … I uh … " Tucker just stared , mouth open , for a second . " Uh … . " He was practically drooling . " B - bathroom . " He said dumbly before wandering off somewhere down the store . Tucker locked himself in a stall and took a few deep breaths , willing his erection to go down . Giving Luka those clothes to try on was a mistake . As soon as the thin young man stepped out of the dressing room , he was hard . He thought about everything he could , old nuns , dead puppies , and old nuns holding dead puppies . That last one worked for him . He stepped out of the stall and splashed some cool water on his face , and looked up at his reflection . ' What 's going on with me ? I 've never liked men . ' He thought to himself . It wasn 't that he had a thing against gay men ; it 's just that he had never thought of being one . He had never been with a man . Tucker heard the bathroom door open . " Tucker ? " Luka said . " Tucker , they said I can 't be off my leash and away from you . " " Sorry . " Tucker apologized . He took the leash back in his hand and they walked back to the racks of clothes . " Did you pick stuff out ? " He asked . " I 'll just get what I tried on if that 's OK . " " Of course . " Tucker smiled . He took the clothes to the counter and the clerk rang them up , all while glaring at Luka . " How about we go pick you up a toothbrush and some other toiletries ? " Tucker asked . " Oh , you need shoes too , don 't you ? Those won 't be the easiest to find . Not a lot of places sell them anymore . " Tucker looked down at his own bare ( and bear ) feet . " I don 't really need shoes . I only wore them because it was cold . " " Well , if we see any . We can see if they have some for you , just in case . Otherwise you should be good . " Tucker smiled , and began walking with Luka to the next store . " So how old are you , anyways ? " Tucker asked . " Wow , really ? I knew you were young … But that 's really young . " Tucker blushed . ' Great , now I 'm queer and a pedophile . ' he thought to himself . ' No , I 'm not . He 's over eighteen . ' He argued in his head . ' Even better , now I 'm kind of crazy . ' He rolled his eyes at himself . " How old are you ? " Luka asked , oblivious to the internal argument . " Twenty - seven . " Tucker blushed . " I know , old man , right ? " He laughed at himself . " That 's not that old , " Luka said . " When I was younger , I knew a man that was alive when the first disease strains happened . " " Wow , really ? What was it like ? Did he tell you ? " Tucker was interested fast . " He told me about the camps . It sounded horrible . I hope it wasn 't all true … I 'd hate to think humans were like that . " " My dad was in one of the camps . I was adopted , and he used to tell me all these stories about them . I don 't remember much , he died when I was younger . But he never did finish telling me about what happened . It 's like he just stopped in the middle of a book . His name was Marcus , but everyone called him Mar . " Tucker shrugged . " Did your mom ever tell you anything ? " Luka asked . " I didn 't have one . My dad married this guy named Tyler . " Tucker shrugged again . " He was a captain in the camp my dad was kept in . " Tucker smiled , remembering his parents . " That 's nice that they were able to be together . It sounds like they were good people . " " They were . I remember when my dad died , he had told me that they were planning on overthrowing the people who ran the camps . I never found out if they actually did it or not . " Tucker said . Luka smiled . " I bet they did it . The man I knew told me about something but maybe it was about one of the black market operations going down . I can 't remember now . " " Our history is kind of crazy , isn 't it ? Humans control Hybrids , Hybrids revolt against Humans , Hybrids live with Humans , and Hybrids take over Humans . Why does everything have to be so violent ? " Luka sighed . " I 'm not sure sometimes . I have my dad 's eyes and my mom 's hair , I know that . And they always tried to make it seem like we had things better than we did . When I was five my dad got caught by the slave catchers and after that I guess my mom didn 't want to live anymore . She stuck around until I was old enough to fend for myself and then … " Luka stopped and didn 't finish his sentence . " I 'm sorry , Luka . No one should have to deal with that . " Tucker said , his voice low and compassionate . " How old were you ? " He asked . " Eight , I guess , " Luka whispered . " I , uh … I can 't talk about this anymore . " " Of course , sorry . I didn 't mean to press . " Tucker said , still sympathetic towards Luka . " What do you like to do for fun ? " Tucker asked , changing the subject . Luka shrugged . " I don 't know really . Mostly I just tried to survive . I don 't know if it counts , but I liked to go to the dumpsters behind bakeries and try to find something sweet . " Luka gave a weak attempt at a laugh . " That 's where you were running from ! Come here . " Tucker grabbed his hand instead of the leash , and with a smile , brought him over to the bakery . They stepped inside and Tucker looked around in awe . Luka pointed to a cake with blue icing . " That one looks nice , " he whispered . " We 'll take that one . " Tucker said , pulling out his wallet . Luka smiled widely , looking as excited as a kid in a candy store . The baker was very surly as he took Tucker 's money and boxed up the cake . He grunted and sighed and when the transaction ended , he didn 't ask them back . Luka didn 't seem to notice the slight and instead looked on as Tucker carried the cake out of the bakery . There was an actual bounce in the small human 's step . " Calm down , little man . " Tucker said , after nearly tripping over the smaller man for the hundredth time , as he bounced and weaved around Tucker , staring at the cake with hungry eyes . " I 'm sorry , " Luka said . " I just can 't wait to try it . " " How about we skip the rest of the shopping for today , we can go to a restaurant and eat real fast . Then get home and have dessert . " He held up the cake . Luka took a deep breath as they approached the restaurant . " I think this is the right one . They throw their scraps in that dumpster . " He pointed the way . " It 's really good food . I sometimes like to check there to see if anyone accidentally forgot their take out box or something . I try not to eat anything that has trash stuck to it but … " Luka stopped . " I 'm sorry , this is probably boring . " " No , it 's just how you learned to live . Don 't worry about it . You can talk about what you like . " Tucker said and , without even thinking about it , bent down and kissed the top of Luka 's head . He kept walking but began screaming at himself mentally . ' What the fuck was that ? ' he shouted at himself . ' I just kissed him ! I can 't just kiss him ! I just met him today ! ' He scolded himself . He didn 't say anything and neither did Luka , though he felt the heat of the younger man 's blush . They arrived at the restaurant and a hostess with beautiful , round owl eyes greeted them . " Welcome . Would you like to send your human to a holding room while you enjoy your meal ? " " No , he 'll be sitting with me . " Tucker said , trying to hold back a scowl when Luka looked at the ground , sadly . " That 's alright . Will he be needing a chair ? " she asked , never losing her chipper expression . " Yes . " Tucker said , furrowing his brow like it was a stupid question . She smiled wider . " Right this way . " She walked a short distance and then paused to grab a metal folding chair . She stopped at a table in a secluded corner and unfolded the chair . " Your human can sit here . A waiter will be with you shortly . " Luka seemed puzzled . " Why would it ? " It seemed the young human didn 't realize that he had been deemed unfit to sit in the same chairs as the other patrons of the restaurant . " Never mind . Order what you want . " Tucker smiled at him almost glad he didn 't realize he was being treated as a lesser being . Luka smiled and looked at the menu . " I think I want that , " he said , pointing to a picture of nachos . " Alright . You know , there are words to the menu too . " Tucker laughed . " They are , I think you 'll like them . " Tucker said . When the waitress came by , he ordered for them , and in less than fifteen minutes there food was there . " Dig in . " He smiled . Luka picked up a few chips with his fork and then abandoned that to use his fingers instead . Tucker watched , amused by Luka 's behavior . The small human started to lick and suck his fingers clean . While he was doing this , he noticed Tucker looking at him . " What ? " he asked , suddenly growing shy . " Nothing , sorry . " Tucker blushed and took a bite of one of his tacos . He tried to keep from looking at the younger man in front of him , but found himself glancing up at him repeatedly . " Not at all . Just … distracting . " He smiled and chuckled before going back to his food . " Don 't let me bother you . " Tucker said , through a mouthful of taco . " Sorry , " Luka whispered . He started to drink his water and watch the other Infected in the restaurant . Some of them were giving him mean looks , but for the most part he was being ignored . " Don 't mind them , Luka . " Tucker said , when he noticed Luka looking at the people around them . " They 're just assholes . " Tucker whispered the last part . " It 's alright . It 's just because I look different , " he said . " You look fine . " Tucker said , quickly . He blushed and went back to his food . " They just don 't know a beautiful person when they see one . " He mumbled . Luka blushed and smiled . " Do you really mean that ? " " Yeah , I don 't lie to my friends , Luka . " Tucker gave him a small smile . " You deserve it , you 've had a tough life and you deserved something better . You deserve to have a home and to be able to go shopping , and to eat out in public without getting rude stares from everyone . " Tucker shouted the last part loudly , turning and glaring at the few infected who had been staring at Luka . " It 's not fair to you . " Tucker said , quieter this time . Luka shrugged . " That 's just how it is , I guess . People in the majority judge whoever isn 't like them . I 'm having a good time anyway . " " But that 's what bothers me , Luka . You are like us . We just have longer ears , and claws , the occasional tail and fur . But besides that , we 're all exactly the same . Humans hated hybrids for a long time . Now the roles are just switched . You think we would know better than this . " Tucker said . He looked up at Luka and smiled . " But I 'm glad you 're having a good time . " Tucker smiled a little wider . " I like being with you , " Luka said , blushing . " I guess I 'm glad I crashed in to you . " " I am too , Luka . Now eat your nachos . " Tucker mumbled through another bite of taco . Luka smiled and did what he was told . Tucker liked seeing the happy look on the young man 's face . It was such a fast transformation to see in the course of a day , but Tucker guessed all the little guy needed was some basic kindness . Luka followed Tucker back to the apartment . He put his hand to his stomach . He was amazed he 'd eaten so much and the full feeling was a strange sensation . Tucker glanced at him as he unlocked the door and gave a short laugh . " Are you sure you want cake ? " " Don 't want you blowing up on me . " Tucker laughed as he opened the cake box . " You picked a good one , it looks awesome . " Tucker smiled , as he reached for a knife to slice the cake with . Luka smiled and watched Tucker carefully slice into the cake . Luka again had the urge to hug the big man , a feeling he was starting to get used to . He hadn 't had much opportunity for relationships in his life , but he was fairly sure he was attracted to men so it wasn 't exactly surprising . What worried him was that Tucker would reject him . He accepted his piece of cake and attacked it with his fork . After a few bites he had to stop . " Maybe that was a bad idea . " " What 's wrong ? " Tucker frowned , enjoying his own piece of cake . Luka smiled , blushing a bit at the show of concern . " I 'll be alright . " " The cake will still be here , tomorrow . " Tucker smiled . Their eyes met for a moment when a strange sound filled the house . Tucker frowned and walked over to the heater . " God damn it . " He swore suddenly . " Your new home may be shit , but at least it 's better than an alley . " He smiled at Luka . " The heater broke . " The chill started to seep into the room almost immediately . " It 's a lot better than my alley . There are blankets . I 'll be fine . I 've survived worse than this with nothing but newspapers and a tarp . " " Your first night in your new home and you 're going to be freezing . " Tucker frowned . " I 'm sorry , Luka . " He did look sorry . " Come on , you can stay in my bed with me tonight . I don 't want you to be out here , all cold . " Tucker said . Luka blushed as he imagined how hairy Tucker must be if his arms were any indication . He really hoped he would get a chance to be held in those arms . It had really been a long time since anyone had really shown him any affection . " I won 't bother you , I promise . " " I wasn 't worried about it . " Tucker smiled . " Come on . " He grabbed the pillow and blanket he had set out for Luka brought it to his own large bead . He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed , scooting over for Luka . " Turn off the light on your way , please . " He smiled . Luka blushed and turned the light off . He was too embarrassed to strip any of his clothes off so he slid under the covers fully clothed . He could feel the heat radiating from Tucker . " Thank you , " he whispered . " No problem little man . " Tucker chuckled . In only a few minutes , the big bear of a man was snoring away . Luka , ever so slightly , scooted closer to Tucker 's warm chest . Before he could get any closer , Tucker moved and engulfed him in a huge hug . Tucker 's furry chest was soft against Luka 's cheek and he surprised himself when tears started to form . He felt safe there . He hadn 't felt safe since he 'd seen his mother walk into traffic the day she decided life wasn 't worth it anymore . He tried to control his tears , but the feelings were too overwhelming . He hoped Tucker wouldn 't wake up . He really did want to stay where he was and he was sure the embrace was just an accident . " Oh , sorry about that . " Tucker woke up , and Luka could feel the heat from his body as he started blushing . Tucker pulled away a little bit , but was still close enough that Luka could feel his warmth , and his arm rested on Luka 's hip . " I 'm sorry , " Luka said . " I didn 't mean for you to wake up . " " It 's alright . Sorry I was getting all up close and personal . " Tucker smiled in the dark . " Guess I just wanted someone to hold . " Tucker whispered the last part so quietly that Luka almost missed it . " I didn 't mind it , " Luka admitted . " It made me feel really … safe . " He paused and reached up to rub his eyes . " I guess I started crying because I haven 't felt safe very often in my life . I didn 't know what to do . " " You could have just said so . " Tucker pulled him back into the warm , albeit furry , embrace . " And it 's okay to cry , you haven 't had it easy , Luka . " Tucker blushed . There was so much Luka wanted to tell Tucker at that moment , but instead he just let himself sob without restraint . Tucker continued to hold him until his emotions had run their course . " OK , I think I 'm done , " Luka said . His voice was shaky . " Feel better ? " Tucker asked . He stroked Luka 's hair softly until he finished crying . " People aren 't like that , " Luka insisted . " Well , I 'm not people . " Tucker shrugged . " It doesn 't take a genius to figure out that most people deserve to be treated well . You haven 't done anything wrong . " Luka coughed . " Some people might disagree … " " Why , because you 're human ? " Tucker asked . " I 've done a lot of things I 'm not proud of and … It 's just I haven 't really done anything to deserve kindness . " " But I 'm sure you did those things because you had to , right ? Not because you wanted to . " " You 'll hate me , " Luka said . He regretted even mentioning it and he feverishly hoped that Tucker wouldn 't reject him . " I could never hate you , Luka . Just tell me . You can trust me . " Tucker said , his voice soothing . Luka took in a deep , shaky breath . " I sometimes had to uh … do things . Like … just to get food or clothes … things like that . " He cringed and waited for Tucker 's reaction . " Things ? What do you mean by - oh … " Tucker finally saw what Luka was trying to tell him . " You … You had to Luka , you didn 't really have a choice . You know I don 't think any less of you . " Tucker said . Luka held on to Tucker a bit tighter . " Please don 't let me go , " he whispered . " I won 't , I promise . " Tucker held Luka tighter . Tucker sat up that night , holding onto Luka tightly . After Luka 's shaky confession , he knew he wouldn 't be able to sleep . He couldn 't stop thinking of Luka 's sad life . He wanted to show Luka that there was something better . He gently kissed the top of Luka 's head . The younger man 's hair still smelled like Tucker 's pine shampoo , but with an undertone of vanilla that must have come naturally . Tucker wasn 't sure what to do , but he had a vague idea . He knew Valentine 's Day would be coming soon and he was fairly confident that Luka had never celebrated the holiday . He wondered how he could celebrate it with the human who had never actually celebrated the human holiday . ' What if I take him out ? Would that be awkward ? ' Tucker asked himself . On one hand , he really did like Luka in that way . On the other , he had never liked men like that before . This was all new to him . Did he take Luka out and give him cards and chocolate and flowers like he would a woman ? He didn 't see why not . Everyone loves chocolate … In a way , it didn 't matter if Tucker didn 't get it perfectly right . Luka wouldn 't know the difference . But Tucker wasn 't going to use that as an excuse . He wanted everything to be perfect . Luka stretched as he woke up . He frantically started to search for Tucker . Normally he would feel the larger man beside him . His sleep hazed mind finally deduced that opening his eyes would help . He squinted at Tucker 's side of the bed and then sat up . " Tucker ? " he said . He stood up and quickly looked down to see what he 'd stepped on . A trail of velvety rose petals led to the door . Luka was incredibly confused and didn 't know what else to do but follow where the petals led . " Morning , Luka . " Tucker greeted him . " What 's this for ? " Luka asked . The kitchen smelled delicious and Luka saw two stacks of pancakes on the table . " It 's Valentine 's Day . " Tucker said . " It 's a holiday … Where you celebrate having the people you love in your life . " Tucker blushed . Luka blushed as well . " Oh … wow . So is this for me ? " " Yeah , over the past few weeks I think we 've really grown on each other . You mean a lot to me Luka , and I 'm glad you 're here . " Tucker smiled . " Thank you , Tucker . That looks really good . " He sat down and then hesitated . " Tucker , I didn 't do anything for you . I didn 't know it was a holiday today . " " That 's alright . This is just for you . You deserve to enjoy yourself . Go ahead , they 're chocolate chip . " Tucker was still blushing from his confession about caring about Luka . Luka grinned and took a small bite . " It 's really good , Tucker . Thank you . I 'm glad to know you like having me here . I really like staying with you . " " I like you staying here . I just really hope you consider this your home , too . " Tucker said . He sat down while Luka ate . " There 's more after this , too . So get ready for a day of fun . " Tucker smiled . Luka stood and hugged Tucker . He shyly kissed him on the cheek . " Thank you . " Tucker went even redder than Luka . He chuckled and looked down at the ground . " No problem … Now hurry up and eat . I 'll go get the second part of your fantastic day of fun ready . " Luka laughed and started to finish his food . Tucker fed him well and he noticed that he 'd already put on a few pounds . He certainly noticed that he was starting to fill out his clothes perfectly and he was proud that he 'd caught Tucker noticing . He finished eating and waited excitedly for Tucker to reveal what was next . " Alright , everything 's ready . Come on in . " Tucker said , from the kitchen . Luka stood up , excited . He walked to the kitchen and looked inside . The counters were cleaned off and several bags and boxes were set around the room . " What is this ? " Luka asked . " I decided , since you like sweets so much , I 'd teach you how to make a cake . " Tucker beamed . Luka smiled , but was a little nervous as well . He 'd never cooked anything in his life . " That sounds fun , " he said . " You 'll love it . But just a heads up … I 've never really made a cake before , so we 're going to wing it . " Tucker blushed . Luka was worried , but trusted Tucker . Even if the cake didn 't turn out so great , he enjoyed spending time with Tucker . He stepped into the kitchen and was ready to start . Tucker and Luka ran out of the kitchen as the electronic mixer went wild , spraying the room with cake batter . They ducked behind the wall and looked at each other . They smiled and began laughing so hard Luka was afraid he would die . Tears ran down their face and both of them were covered in egg , flour , and sugar . " Luka , I just want you to know that I did mean what I said earlier . I … I really like you . " Tucker said . Luka felt his blush growing . " Oh … You do ? Really ? " he said . He felt his heart beat speed up and his thoughts raced ' Tucker likes me ? Like … he loves me ? How could he love someone like me … ? ' " I wanted to do all of this for you , to show you how much I care about you . I was just worried you wouldn 't have fun . I wanted your first Valentine 's Day to be the best . " Tucker said . " Yeah … Me too . " Tucker laughed , picking clumps of sugar out of his fur . He looked at Luka and smiled . " You got a little something on your face . " Tucker reached out and used his thumb to wipe away the bit of batter stuck to Luka 's chin . He brushed the smaller man 's lip and it felt like a jolt hit him . Suddenly his whole body felt warm . He leaned forward a bit and so did Luka . Their eyes met . Luka wrapped his arms around Tucker 's neck and pulled the big man close to him . Their lips met . Luka let out a soft moan . It was his first real kiss and it was perfect . He let himself give in to it completely . Tucker held him in strong , confident arms and he felt safe . After a long while , Tucker took Luka by the hand and led him to the bathroom . He started the shower and stripped to his boxers . Luka blushed and clutched at the material of his T - shirt . Tucker held Luka and kissed the top of his head . " I like you for who you are , not how you look . And I 'll always think you 're beautiful anyway . " Luka looked up into Tucker 's sincere brown eyes and with a small nod started to take off his shirt . Tucker smiled and gently touched Luka 's stomach . He caressed the soft skin and then leaned down to give Luka a quick kiss . " You 're perfect to me . " Luka pressed himself to Tucker 's muscular body and closed his eyes as he relished being held . After a moment , he gathered the courage to start unbuttoning his pants . He stepped back and worked the tight denim down to his ankles . As he was stepping out of them , Tucker let out a low , surprised sound . Luka groaned at Tucker 's touch and his knees buckled . He held on to Tucker 's wide shoulders and looked up at the man . Tucker was smiling at him and then dove down to kiss Luka 's neck . Luka whimpered and it became clear that Tucker was the only thing keeping him upright . Tucker held Luka with one arm and with the other managed to get his boxers off . Luka blushed a bit and shyly felt Tucker 's cock . It felt like nine inches of thick , hot steel , but it was like touching smooth silk . Tucker helped Luka into the shower . The water was hot , but Luka didn 't mind . Tucker started to rub Luka 's body , getting all the cake batter out starting with his hair and working down . Luka turned and started to help Tucker get cleaned up as well . Luka felt daring and after they were both clean , he reached up and touched one of Tucker 's ears . Luka thought those ears were cute , especially since the rest of Tucker was so big . They made him look like a teddy bear . Tucker smiled and rested his hands on Luka 's hips . His hands felt big and powerful and Luka whimpered softly at the thought of all the things he would let those hands do . Tucker pulled Luka closer and kissed him , gently probing with his tongue . Tucker 's hand moved smoothly up and down Luka 's back . " We could , uh , move this to the bedroom , " Tucker suggested when the water from the shower started to run cold . Luka nodded and smiled shyly . Tucker turned the water off and they stepped out . Luka was shivering a bit , but a quick once over with a towel took away the cold . After giving himself a quick dry off , Tucker took Luka by the hand and led him the bedroom . Tucker sat on the edge of the bed and Luka straddled his lap . For a while , they just hugged that way . Luka could feel Tucker 's erection pressing between his cheeks urgently , but Tucker made no indication of rushing him . Luka looked into Tucker 's eyes . It was strange being so close to another person , but he wasn 't scared . Tucker reached up and pushed away a few dripping strands of hair . " God , you 're so beautiful . " Tucker smiled . Luka blushed and stroked a thin hand over Tucker 's furred chest . Tucker growled low and nipped at Luka 's ear . Luka whimpered and wrapped his long fingers through Tuckers hair . He played with the small ears that topped his head and smiled . " I like your … I like you . " Tucker chuckled . He leaned down and sucked one of Luka 's small pink nipples into his mouth and nibbled until Luka was groaning and squirming on his lap . Luka loved the feeling of his cock underneath him and was ready to take it . Luka looked into Tucker 's eyes and kissed him . Then , with a moan , he slid from Tucker 's lap . On his knees , he quickly took Tucker 's cock into his mouth . The taste and the heat of it made him moan and his own cock was leaking pre - cum . Tucker 's hand tangled in his hair and guided him into an up and down bobbing motion . |
" If you see Mr . Schaeffer , give him this , " he said . " It 's my brother - in - law 's address . I haven 't settled on a hotel yet . " He was not really disappointed to find Paris was so empty . But the stillness in the Ritz bar was strange and portentous . It was not an American bar any more - he felt polite in it , and not as if he owned it . It had gone back into France . He felt the stillness from the moment he got out of the taxi and saw the doorman , usually in a frenzy of activity at this hour , gossiping with a chasseur by the servants ' entrance . Passing through the corridor , he heard only a single , bored voice in the once - clamorous women 's room . When he turned into the bar he travelled the twenty feet of green carpet with his eyes fixed straight ahead by old habit ; and then , with his foot firmly on the rail , he turned and surveyed the room , encountering only a single pair of eyes that fluttered up from a newspaper in the corner . Charlie asked for the head barman , Paul , who in the latter days of the bull market had come to work in his own custom - built car - disembarking , however , with due nicety at the nearest corner . But Paul was at his country house today and Alix giving him information . " I haven 't been to America for months . I 'm in business in Prague , representing a couple of concerns there . They don 't know about me down there . " Alix lowered his voice confidentially : " He 's in Paris , but he doesn 't come here any more . Paul doesn 't allow it . He ran up a bill of thirty thousand francs , charging all his drinks and his lunches , and usually his dinner , for more than a year . And when Paul finally told him he had to pay , he gave him a bad check . " " Nothing affects them , " he thought . " Stocks rise and fall , people loaf or work , but they go on forever . " The place oppressed him . He called for the dice and shook with Alix for the drink . Outside , the fire - red , gas - blue , ghost - green signs shone smokily through the tranquil rain . It was late afternoon and the streets were in movement ; the bistros gleamed . At the corner of the Boulevard des Capucines he took a taxi . The Place de la Concorde moved by in pink majesty ; they crossed the logical Seine , and Charlie felt the sudden provincial quality of the Left Bank . Charlie directed his taxi to the Avenue de l ' Opera , which was out of his way . But he wanted to see the blue hour spread over the magnificent façade , and imagine that the cab horns , playing endlessly the first few bars of La Plus que Lent , were the trumpets of the Second Empire . They were closing the iron grill in front of Brentano 's Book - store , and people were already at dinner behind the trim little bourgeois hedge of Duval 's . He had never eaten at a really cheap restaurant in Paris . Five - course dinner , four francs fifty , eighteen cents , wine included . For some odd reason he wished that he had . He was thirty - five , and good to look at . The Irish mobility of his face was sobered by a deep wrinkle between his eyes . As he rang his brother - in - law 's bell in the Rue Palatine , the wrinkle deepened till it pulled down his brows ; he felt a cramping sensation in his belly . From behind the maid who opened the door darted a lovely little girl of nine who shrieked " Daddy ! " and flew up , struggling like a fish , into his arms . She pulled his head around by one ear and set her cheek against his . She drew him into the salon , where the family waited , a boy and girl his daughter 's age , his sister - in - law and her husband . He greeted Marion with his voice pitched carefully to avoid either feigned enthusiasm or dislike , but her response was more frankly tepid , though she minimized her expression of unalterable distrust by directing her regard toward his child . The two men clasped hands in a friendly way and Lincoln Peters rested his for a moment on Charlie 's shoulder . The room was warm and comfortably American . The three children moved intimately about , playing through the yellow oblongs that led to other rooms ; the cheer of six o ' clock spoke in the eager smacks of the fire and the sounds of French activity in the kitchen . But Charlie did not relax ; his heart sat up rigidly in his body and he drew confidence from his daughter , who from time to time came close to him , holding in her arms the doll he had brought . " Really extremely well , " he declared in answer to Lincoln 's question . " There 's a lot of business there that isn 't moving at all , but we 're doing even better than ever . In fact , damn well . I 'm bringing my sister over from America next month to keep house for me . My income last year was bigger than it was when I had money . You see , the Czechs - " Marion Peters came back from the kitchen . She was a tall woman with worried eyes , who had once possessed a fresh American loveliness . Charlie had never been sensitive to it and was always surprised when people spoke of how pretty she had been . From the first there had been an instinctive antipathy between them . " I 'm delighted , " Marion said vehemently . " Now at least you can go into a store without their assuming you 're a millionaire . We 've suffered like everybody , but on the whole it 's a good deal pleasanter . " " But it was nice while it lasted , " Charlie said . " We were a sort of royalty , almost infallible , with a sort of magic around us . In the bar this afternoon " - he stumbled , seeing his mistake - " there wasn 't a man I knew . " Her dislike was evident in the coldness with which she spoke , but Charlie only smiled ; he had larger plans . Her very aggressiveness gave him an advantage , and he knew enough to wait . He wanted them to initiate the discussion of what they knew had brought him to Paris . At dinner he couldn 't decide whether Honoria was most like him or her mother . Fortunate if she didn 't combine the traits of both that had brought them to disaster . A great wave of protectiveness went over him . He thought he knew what to do for her . He believed in character ; he wanted to jump back a whole generation and trust in character again as the eternally valuable element . Everything wore out . He left soon after dinner , but not to go home . He was curious to see Paris by night with clearer and more judicious eyes than those of other days . He bought a strapontin for the Casino and watched Josephine Baker go through her chocolate arabesques . After an hour he left and strolled toward Montmartre , up the Rue Pigalle into the Place Blanche . The rain had stopped and there were a few people in evening clothes disembarking from taxis in front of cabarets , and cocottes prowling singly or in pairs , and many Negroes . He passed a lighted door from which issued music , and stopped with the sense of familiarity ; it was Bricktop 's , where he had parted with so many hours and so much money . A few doors farther on he found another ancient rendezvous and incautiously put his head inside . Immediately an eager orchestra burst into sound , a pair of professional dancers leaped to their feet and a maître d ' hôtel swooped toward him , crying , " Crowd just arriving , sir ! " But he withdrew quickly . So much for the effort and ingenuity of Montmartre . All the catering to vice and waste was on an utterly childish scale , and he suddenly realized the meaning of the word " dissipate " - to dissipate into thin air ; to make nothing out of something . In the little hours of the night every move from place to place was an enormous human jump , an increase of paying for the privilege of slower and slower motion . He woke upon a fine fall day - football weather . The depression of yesterday was gone and he liked the people on the streets . At noon he sat opposite Honoria at Le Grand Vatel , the only restaurant he could think of not reminiscent of champagne dinners and long luncheons that began at two and ended in a blurred and vague twilight . " Well , you brought me this doll . " She had it with her . " And I 've got lots of things . And we 're not rich any more , are we ? " " I want to get to know you , " he said gravely . " First let me introduce myself . My name is Charles J . Wales , of Prague . " " My husband couldn 't come this year , " she said , in answer to his question . " We 're poor as hell . So he gave me two hundred a month and told me I could do my worst on that . . . . This your little girl ? " " Can 't do it . " He was glad for an excuse . As always , he felt Lorraine 's passionate , provocative attraction , but his own rhythm was different now . " Charlie , I believe you 're sober , " she said judicially . " I honestly believe he 's sober , Dunc . Pinch him and see if he 's sober . " " There ! That 's what I want to do , " Lorraine said . " I want to see some clowns and acrobats and jugglers . That 's just what we 'll do , Dunc . " At the Empire , Honoria proudly refused to sit upon her father 's folded coat . She was already an individual with a code of her own , and Charlie was more and more absorbed by the desire of putting a little of himself into her before she crystallized utterly . It was hopeless to try to know her in so short a time . " Of course I do . But you won 't always like me best , honey . You 'll grow up and meet somebody your own age and go marry him and forget you ever had a daddy . " They were waiting . Marion sat behind the coffee service in a dignified black dinner dress that just faintly suggested mourning . Lincoln was walking up and down with the animation of one who had already been talking . They were as anxious as he was to get into the question . He opened it almost immediately : " I 'm awfully anxious to have a home , " he continued . " And I 'm awfully anxious to have Honoria in it . I appreciate your taking in Honoria for her mother 's sake , but things have changed now " - he hesitated and then continued more forcibly - " changed radically with me , and I want to ask you to reconsider the matter . It would be silly for me to deny that about three years ago I was acting badly - " " - but all that 's over . As I told you , I haven 't had more than a drink a day for over a year , and I take that drink deliberately , so that the idea of alcohol won 't get too big in my imagination . You see the idea ? " " Something like that . Sometimes I forget and don 't take it . But I try to take it . Anyhow , I couldn 't afford to drink in my position . The people I represent are more than satisfied with what I 've done , and I 'm bringing my sister over from Burlington to keep house for me , and I want awfully to have Honoria too . You know that even when her mother and I weren 't getting along well we never let anything that happened touch Honoria . I know she 's fond of me and I know I 'm able to take care of her and - well , there you are . How do you feel about it ? " Lincoln spoke first : " We 've been talking it over ever since we got your letter last month . We 're happy to have Honoria here . She 's a dear little thing , and we 're glad to be able to help her , but of course that isn 't the question - " " My duty is entirely to Helen , " she said . " I try to think what she would have wanted me to do . Frankly , from the night you did that terrible thing you haven 't really existed for me . I can 't help that . She was my sister . " After a moment 's silence Lincoln said : " We 're getting off the subject . You want Marion to set aside her legal guardianship and give you Honoria . I think the main point for her is whether she has confidence in you or not . " " I don 't blame Marion , " Charlie said slowly , " but I think she can have entire confidence in me . I had a good record up to three years ago . Of course , it 's within human possibilities I might go wrong any time . But if we wait much longer I 'll lose Honoria 's childhood and my chance for a home . " He shook his head , " I 'll simply lose her , don 't you see ? " " I suppose I did , from time to time , but Helen and I were getting along badly . When I consented to the guardianship , I was flat on my back in a sanitarium and the market had cleaned me out . I knew I 'd acted badly , and I thought if it would bring any peace to Helen , I 'd agree to anything . But now it 's different . I 'm functioning , I 'm behaving damn well , so far as - " He looked at her , startled . With each remark the force of her dislike became more and more apparent . She had built up all her fear of life into one wall and faced it toward him . This trivial reproof was possibly the result of some trouble with the cook several hours before . Charlie became increasingly alarmed at leaving Honoria in this atmosphere of hostility against himself ; sooner or later it would come out , in a word here , a shake of the head there , and some of that distrust would be irrevocably implanted in Honoria . But he pulled his temper down out of his face and shut it up inside him ; he had won a point , for Lincoln realized the absurdity of Marion 's remark and asked her lightly since when she had objected to the word " damn . " " Another thing , " Charlie said : " I 'm able to give her certain advantages now . I 'm going to take a French governess to Prague with me . I 've got a lease on a new apartment - " " I suppose you can give her more luxuries than we can , " said Marion . " When you were throwing away money we were living along watching every ten francs . . . . I suppose you 'll start doing it again . " " Oh , no , " he said . " I 've learned . I worked hard for ten years , you know - until I got lucky in the market , like so many people . Terribly lucky . It didn 't seem any use working any more , so I quit . It won 't happen again . " There was a long silence . All of them felt their nerves straining , and for the first time in a year Charlie wanted a drink . He was sure now that Lincoln Peters wanted him to have his child . " I can 't help what I think ! " she cried out suddenly . " How much you were responsible for Helen 's death , I don 't know . It 's something you 'll have to square with your own conscience . " " Do what you like ! " she cried , springing up from her chair . " She 's your child . I 'm not the person to stand in your way . I think if it were my child I 'd rather see her - " She managed to check herself . " You two decide it . I can 't stand this . I 'm sick . I 'm going to bed . " He was still trembling when he reached the street , but a walk down the Rue Bonaparte to the quais set him up , and as he crossed the Seine , fresh and new by the quai lamps , he felt exultant . But back in his room he couldn 't sleep . The image of Helen haunted him . Helen whom he had loved so until they had senselessly begun to abuse each other 's love , tear it into shreds . On that terrible February night that Marion remembered so vividly , a slow quarrel had gone on for hours . There was a scene at the Florida , and then he attempted to take her home , and then she kissed young Webb at a table ; after that there was what she had hysterically said . When he arrived home alone he turned the key in the lock in wild anger . How could he know she would arrive an hour later alone , that there would be a snowstorm in which she wandered about in slippers , too confused to find a taxi ? Then the aftermath , her escaping pneumonia by a miracle , and all the attendant horror . They were " reconciled , " but that was the beginning of the end , and Marion , who had seen with her own eyes and who imagined it to be one of many scenes from her sister 's martyrdom , never forgot . Going over it again brought Helen nearer , and in the white , soft light that steals upon half sleep near morning he found himself talking to her again . She said that he was perfectly right about Honoria and that she wanted Honoria to be with him . She said she was glad he was being good and doing better . She said a lot of other things - very friendly things - but she was in a swing in a white dress , and swinging faster and faster all the time , so that at the end he could not hear clearly all that she said . He woke up feeling happy . The door of the world was open again . He made plans , vistas , futures for Honoria and himself , but suddenly he grew sad , remembering all the plans he and Helen had made . She had not planned to die . The present was the thing - work to do and someone to love . But not to love too much , for he knew the injury that a father can do to a daughter or a mother to a son by attaching them too closely : afterward , out in the world , the child would seek in the marriage partner the same blind tenderness and , failing probably to find it , turn against love and life . It was another bright , crisp day . He called Lincoln Peters at the bank where he worked and asked if he could count on taking Honoria when he left for Prague . Lincoln agreed that there was no reason for delay . One thing - the legal guardianship . Marion wanted to retain that a while longer . She was upset by the whole matter , and it would oil things if she felt that the situation was still in her control for another year . Charlie agreed , wanting only the tangible , visible child . Then the question of a governess . Charlie sat in a gloomy agency and talked to a cross Béarnaise and to a buxom Breton peasant , neither of whom he could have endured . There were others whom he would see tomorrow . " There 's another thing . " Lincoln hesitated . " While you and Helen were tearing around Europe throwing money away , we were just getting along . I didn 't touch any of the prosperity because I never got ahead enough to carry anything but my insurance . I think Marion felt there was some kind of injustice in it - you not even working toward the end , and getting richer and richer . " " Yes , a lot of it stayed in the hands of chasseurs and saxophone players and maîtres d ' hôtel - well , the big party 's over now . I just said that to explain Marion 's feeling about those crazy years . If you drop in about six o ' clock tonight before Marion 's too tired , we 'll settle the details on the spot . " DEAR CHARLIE : You were so strange when we saw you the other day that I wondered if I did something to offend you . If so , I 'm not conscious of it . In fact , I have thought about you too much for the last year , and it 's always been in the back of my mind that I might see you if I came over here . We did have such good times that crazy spring , like the night you and I stole the butcher 's tricycle , and the time we tried to call on the president and you had the old derby rim and the wire cane . Everybody seems so old lately , but I don 't feel old a bit . Couldn 't we get together some time today for old time 's sake ? I 've got a vile hang - over for the moment , but will be feeling better this afternoon and will look for you about five in the sweat - shop at the Ritz . His first feeling was one of awe that he had actually , in his mature years , stolen a tricycle and pedalled Lorraine all over the Étoile between the small hours and dawn . In retrospect it was a nightmare . Locking out Helen didn 't fit in with any other act of his life , but the tricycle incident did - it was one of many . How many weeks or months of dissipation to arrive at that condition of utter irresponsibility ? He tried to picture how Lorraine had appeared to him then - very attractive ; Helen was unhappy about it , though she said nothing . Yesterday , in the restaurant , Lorraine had seemed trite , blurred , worn away . He emphatically did not want to see her , and he was glad Alix had not given away his hotel address . It was a relief to think , instead , of Honoria , to think of Sundays spent with her and of saying good morning to her and of knowing she was there in his house at night , drawing her breath in the darkness . He saw , when he arrived in the apartment , that Marion had accepted the inevitable . She greeted him now as though he were a recalcitrant member of the family , rather than a menacing outsider . Honoria had been told she was going ; Charlie was glad to see that her tact made her conceal her excessive happiness . Only on his lap did she whisper her delight and the question " When ? " before she slipped away with the other children . " Family quarrels are bitter things . They don 't go according to any rules . They 're not like aches or wounds ; they 're more like splits in the skin that won 't heal because there 's not enough material . I wish you and I could be on better terms . " " Some things are hard to forget , " she answered . " It 's a question of confidence . " There was no answer to this and presently she asked , " When do you propose to take her ? " It was warm here , it was a home , people together by a fire . The children felt very safe and important ; the mother and father were serious , watchful . They had things to do for the children more important than his visit here . A spoonful of medicine was , after all , more important than the strained relations between Marion and himself . They were not dull people , but they were very much in the grip of life and circumstances . He wondered if he couldn 't do something to get Lincoln out of his rut at the bank . A long peal at the door - bell ; the bonne à tout faire passed through and went down the corridor . The door opened upon another long ring , and then voices , and the three in the salon looked up expectantly ; Lincoln moved to bring the corridor within his range of vision , and Marion rose . Then the maid came back along the corridor , closely followed by the voices , which developed under the light into Duncan Schaeffer and Lorraine Quarrles . They both slid down another cascade of laughter . Anxious and at a loss , Charlie shook hands with them quickly and presented them to Lincoln and Marion . Marion nodded , scarcely speaking . She had drawn back a step toward the fire ; her little girl stood beside her , and Marion put an arm about her shoulder . This made no impression . Lorraine sat down suddenly on the side of a chair , and focussing her eyes on Richard , cried , " Oh , what a nice little boy ! Come here , little boy . " Richard glanced at his mother , but did not move . With a perceptible shrug of her shoulders , Lorraine turned back to Charlie : Her voice became suddenly unpleasant . " All right , we 'll go . But I remember once when you hammered on my door at four A . M . I was enough of a good sport to give you a drink . Come on , Dunc . " " What an outrage ! " Charlie broke out . " What an absolute outrage ! " Neither of them answered . Charlie dropped into an armchair , picked up his drink , set it down again and said : Left alone , Charlie sat tense in his chair . In the next room he could hear the children eating , talking in monosyllables , already oblivious to the scene between their elders . He heard a murmur of conversation from a farther room and then the ticking bell of a telephone receiver picked up , and in a panic he moved to the other side of the room and out of earshot . In a minute Lincoln came back . " Look here , Charlie . I think we 'd better call off dinner for tonight . Marion 's in bad shape . " Charlie got up . He took his coat and hat and started down the corridor . Then he opened the door of the dining room and said in a strange voice , " Good night , children . " Charlie went directly to the Ritz bar with the furious idea of finding Lorraine and Duncan , but they were not there , and he realized that in any case there was nothing he could do . He had not touched his drink at the Peters ' , and now he ordered a whisky - and - soda . Paul came over to say hello . " It 's a great change , " he said sadly . " We do about half the business we did . So many fellows I hear about back in the States lost everything , maybe not in the first crash , but then in the second . Your friend George Hardt lost every cent , I hear . Are you back in the States ? " " Marion 's sick , " Lincoln answered shortly . " I know this thing isn 't altogether your fault , but I can 't have her go to pieces about it . I 'm afraid we 'll have to let it slide for six months ; I can 't take the chance of working her up to this state again . " He went back to his table . His whisky glass was empty , but he shook his head when Alix looked at it questioningly . There wasn 't much he could do now except send Honoria some things ; he would send her a lot of things tomorrow . He thought rather angrily that this was just money - he had given so many people money . . . . He would come back some day ; they couldn 't make him pay forever . But he wanted his child , and nothing was much good now , beside that fact . He wasn 't young any more , with a lot of nice thoughts and dreams to have by himself . He was absolutely sure Helen wouldn 't have wanted him to be so alone . |
" If you see Mr . Schaeffer , give him this , " he said . " It 's my brother - in - law 's address . I haven 't settled on a hotel yet . " He was not really disappointed to find Paris was so empty . But the stillness in the Ritz bar was strange and portentous . It was not an American bar any more - he felt polite in it , and not as if he owned it . It had gone back into France . He felt the stillness from the moment he got out of the taxi and saw the doorman , usually in a frenzy of activity at this hour , gossiping with a chasseur by the servants ' entrance . Passing through the corridor , he heard only a single , bored voice in the once - clamorous women 's room . When he turned into the bar he travelled the twenty feet of green carpet with his eyes fixed straight ahead by old habit ; and then , with his foot firmly on the rail , he turned and surveyed the room , encountering only a single pair of eyes that fluttered up from a newspaper in the corner . Charlie asked for the head barman , Paul , who in the latter days of the bull market had come to work in his own custom - built car - disembarking , however , with due nicety at the nearest corner . But Paul was at his country house today and Alix giving him information . " I haven 't been to America for months . I 'm in business in Prague , representing a couple of concerns there . They don 't know about me down there . " Alix lowered his voice confidentially : " He 's in Paris , but he doesn 't come here any more . Paul doesn 't allow it . He ran up a bill of thirty thousand francs , charging all his drinks and his lunches , and usually his dinner , for more than a year . And when Paul finally told him he had to pay , he gave him a bad check . " " Nothing affects them , " he thought . " Stocks rise and fall , people loaf or work , but they go on forever . " The place oppressed him . He called for the dice and shook with Alix for the drink . Outside , the fire - red , gas - blue , ghost - green signs shone smokily through the tranquil rain . It was late afternoon and the streets were in movement ; the bistros gleamed . At the corner of the Boulevard des Capucines he took a taxi . The Place de la Concorde moved by in pink majesty ; they crossed the logical Seine , and Charlie felt the sudden provincial quality of the Left Bank . Charlie directed his taxi to the Avenue de l ' Opera , which was out of his way . But he wanted to see the blue hour spread over the magnificent façade , and imagine that the cab horns , playing endlessly the first few bars of La Plus que Lent , were the trumpets of the Second Empire . They were closing the iron grill in front of Brentano 's Book - store , and people were already at dinner behind the trim little bourgeois hedge of Duval 's . He had never eaten at a really cheap restaurant in Paris . Five - course dinner , four francs fifty , eighteen cents , wine included . For some odd reason he wished that he had . He was thirty - five , and good to look at . The Irish mobility of his face was sobered by a deep wrinkle between his eyes . As he rang his brother - in - law 's bell in the Rue Palatine , the wrinkle deepened till it pulled down his brows ; he felt a cramping sensation in his belly . From behind the maid who opened the door darted a lovely little girl of nine who shrieked " Daddy ! " and flew up , struggling like a fish , into his arms . She pulled his head around by one ear and set her cheek against his . She drew him into the salon , where the family waited , a boy and girl his daughter 's age , his sister - in - law and her husband . He greeted Marion with his voice pitched carefully to avoid either feigned enthusiasm or dislike , but her response was more frankly tepid , though she minimized her expression of unalterable distrust by directing her regard toward his child . The two men clasped hands in a friendly way and Lincoln Peters rested his for a moment on Charlie 's shoulder . The room was warm and comfortably American . The three children moved intimately about , playing through the yellow oblongs that led to other rooms ; the cheer of six o ' clock spoke in the eager smacks of the fire and the sounds of French activity in the kitchen . But Charlie did not relax ; his heart sat up rigidly in his body and he drew confidence from his daughter , who from time to time came close to him , holding in her arms the doll he had brought . " Really extremely well , " he declared in answer to Lincoln 's question . " There 's a lot of business there that isn 't moving at all , but we 're doing even better than ever . In fact , damn well . I 'm bringing my sister over from America next month to keep house for me . My income last year was bigger than it was when I had money . You see , the Czechs - " Marion Peters came back from the kitchen . She was a tall woman with worried eyes , who had once possessed a fresh American loveliness . Charlie had never been sensitive to it and was always surprised when people spoke of how pretty she had been . From the first there had been an instinctive antipathy between them . " I 'm delighted , " Marion said vehemently . " Now at least you can go into a store without their assuming you 're a millionaire . We 've suffered like everybody , but on the whole it 's a good deal pleasanter . " " But it was nice while it lasted , " Charlie said . " We were a sort of royalty , almost infallible , with a sort of magic around us . In the bar this afternoon " - he stumbled , seeing his mistake - " there wasn 't a man I knew . " Her dislike was evident in the coldness with which she spoke , but Charlie only smiled ; he had larger plans . Her very aggressiveness gave him an advantage , and he knew enough to wait . He wanted them to initiate the discussion of what they knew had brought him to Paris . At dinner he couldn 't decide whether Honoria was most like him or her mother . Fortunate if she didn 't combine the traits of both that had brought them to disaster . A great wave of protectiveness went over him . He thought he knew what to do for her . He believed in character ; he wanted to jump back a whole generation and trust in character again as the eternally valuable element . Everything wore out . He left soon after dinner , but not to go home . He was curious to see Paris by night with clearer and more judicious eyes than those of other days . He bought a strapontin for the Casino and watched Josephine Baker go through her chocolate arabesques . After an hour he left and strolled toward Montmartre , up the Rue Pigalle into the Place Blanche . The rain had stopped and there were a few people in evening clothes disembarking from taxis in front of cabarets , and cocottes prowling singly or in pairs , and many Negroes . He passed a lighted door from which issued music , and stopped with the sense of familiarity ; it was Bricktop 's , where he had parted with so many hours and so much money . A few doors farther on he found another ancient rendezvous and incautiously put his head inside . Immediately an eager orchestra burst into sound , a pair of professional dancers leaped to their feet and a maître d ' hôtel swooped toward him , crying , " Crowd just arriving , sir ! " But he withdrew quickly . So much for the effort and ingenuity of Montmartre . All the catering to vice and waste was on an utterly childish scale , and he suddenly realized the meaning of the word " dissipate " - to dissipate into thin air ; to make nothing out of something . In the little hours of the night every move from place to place was an enormous human jump , an increase of paying for the privilege of slower and slower motion . He woke upon a fine fall day - football weather . The depression of yesterday was gone and he liked the people on the streets . At noon he sat opposite Honoria at Le Grand Vatel , the only restaurant he could think of not reminiscent of champagne dinners and long luncheons that began at two and ended in a blurred and vague twilight . " Well , you brought me this doll . " She had it with her . " And I 've got lots of things . And we 're not rich any more , are we ? " " I want to get to know you , " he said gravely . " First let me introduce myself . My name is Charles J . Wales , of Prague . " " My husband couldn 't come this year , " she said , in answer to his question . " We 're poor as hell . So he gave me two hundred a month and told me I could do my worst on that . . . . This your little girl ? " " Can 't do it . " He was glad for an excuse . As always , he felt Lorraine 's passionate , provocative attraction , but his own rhythm was different now . " Charlie , I believe you 're sober , " she said judicially . " I honestly believe he 's sober , Dunc . Pinch him and see if he 's sober . " " There ! That 's what I want to do , " Lorraine said . " I want to see some clowns and acrobats and jugglers . That 's just what we 'll do , Dunc . " At the Empire , Honoria proudly refused to sit upon her father 's folded coat . She was already an individual with a code of her own , and Charlie was more and more absorbed by the desire of putting a little of himself into her before she crystallized utterly . It was hopeless to try to know her in so short a time . " Of course I do . But you won 't always like me best , honey . You 'll grow up and meet somebody your own age and go marry him and forget you ever had a daddy . " They were waiting . Marion sat behind the coffee service in a dignified black dinner dress that just faintly suggested mourning . Lincoln was walking up and down with the animation of one who had already been talking . They were as anxious as he was to get into the question . He opened it almost immediately : " I 'm awfully anxious to have a home , " he continued . " And I 'm awfully anxious to have Honoria in it . I appreciate your taking in Honoria for her mother 's sake , but things have changed now " - he hesitated and then continued more forcibly - " changed radically with me , and I want to ask you to reconsider the matter . It would be silly for me to deny that about three years ago I was acting badly - " " - but all that 's over . As I told you , I haven 't had more than a drink a day for over a year , and I take that drink deliberately , so that the idea of alcohol won 't get too big in my imagination . You see the idea ? " " Something like that . Sometimes I forget and don 't take it . But I try to take it . Anyhow , I couldn 't afford to drink in my position . The people I represent are more than satisfied with what I 've done , and I 'm bringing my sister over from Burlington to keep house for me , and I want awfully to have Honoria too . You know that even when her mother and I weren 't getting along well we never let anything that happened touch Honoria . I know she 's fond of me and I know I 'm able to take care of her and - well , there you are . How do you feel about it ? " Lincoln spoke first : " We 've been talking it over ever since we got your letter last month . We 're happy to have Honoria here . She 's a dear little thing , and we 're glad to be able to help her , but of course that isn 't the question - " " My duty is entirely to Helen , " she said . " I try to think what she would have wanted me to do . Frankly , from the night you did that terrible thing you haven 't really existed for me . I can 't help that . She was my sister . " After a moment 's silence Lincoln said : " We 're getting off the subject . You want Marion to set aside her legal guardianship and give you Honoria . I think the main point for her is whether she has confidence in you or not . " " I don 't blame Marion , " Charlie said slowly , " but I think she can have entire confidence in me . I had a good record up to three years ago . Of course , it 's within human possibilities I might go wrong any time . But if we wait much longer I 'll lose Honoria 's childhood and my chance for a home . " He shook his head , " I 'll simply lose her , don 't you see ? " " I suppose I did , from time to time , but Helen and I were getting along badly . When I consented to the guardianship , I was flat on my back in a sanitarium and the market had cleaned me out . I knew I 'd acted badly , and I thought if it would bring any peace to Helen , I 'd agree to anything . But now it 's different . I 'm functioning , I 'm behaving damn well , so far as - " He looked at her , startled . With each remark the force of her dislike became more and more apparent . She had built up all her fear of life into one wall and faced it toward him . This trivial reproof was possibly the result of some trouble with the cook several hours before . Charlie became increasingly alarmed at leaving Honoria in this atmosphere of hostility against himself ; sooner or later it would come out , in a word here , a shake of the head there , and some of that distrust would be irrevocably implanted in Honoria . But he pulled his temper down out of his face and shut it up inside him ; he had won a point , for Lincoln realized the absurdity of Marion 's remark and asked her lightly since when she had objected to the word " damn . " " Another thing , " Charlie said : " I 'm able to give her certain advantages now . I 'm going to take a French governess to Prague with me . I 've got a lease on a new apartment - " " I suppose you can give her more luxuries than we can , " said Marion . " When you were throwing away money we were living along watching every ten francs . . . . I suppose you 'll start doing it again . " " Oh , no , " he said . " I 've learned . I worked hard for ten years , you know - until I got lucky in the market , like so many people . Terribly lucky . It didn 't seem any use working any more , so I quit . It won 't happen again . " There was a long silence . All of them felt their nerves straining , and for the first time in a year Charlie wanted a drink . He was sure now that Lincoln Peters wanted him to have his child . " I can 't help what I think ! " she cried out suddenly . " How much you were responsible for Helen 's death , I don 't know . It 's something you 'll have to square with your own conscience . " " Do what you like ! " she cried , springing up from her chair . " She 's your child . I 'm not the person to stand in your way . I think if it were my child I 'd rather see her - " She managed to check herself . " You two decide it . I can 't stand this . I 'm sick . I 'm going to bed . " He was still trembling when he reached the street , but a walk down the Rue Bonaparte to the quais set him up , and as he crossed the Seine , fresh and new by the quai lamps , he felt exultant . But back in his room he couldn 't sleep . The image of Helen haunted him . Helen whom he had loved so until they had senselessly begun to abuse each other 's love , tear it into shreds . On that terrible February night that Marion remembered so vividly , a slow quarrel had gone on for hours . There was a scene at the Florida , and then he attempted to take her home , and then she kissed young Webb at a table ; after that there was what she had hysterically said . When he arrived home alone he turned the key in the lock in wild anger . How could he know she would arrive an hour later alone , that there would be a snowstorm in which she wandered about in slippers , too confused to find a taxi ? Then the aftermath , her escaping pneumonia by a miracle , and all the attendant horror . They were " reconciled , " but that was the beginning of the end , and Marion , who had seen with her own eyes and who imagined it to be one of many scenes from her sister 's martyrdom , never forgot . Going over it again brought Helen nearer , and in the white , soft light that steals upon half sleep near morning he found himself talking to her again . She said that he was perfectly right about Honoria and that she wanted Honoria to be with him . She said she was glad he was being good and doing better . She said a lot of other things - very friendly things - but she was in a swing in a white dress , and swinging faster and faster all the time , so that at the end he could not hear clearly all that she said . He woke up feeling happy . The door of the world was open again . He made plans , vistas , futures for Honoria and himself , but suddenly he grew sad , remembering all the plans he and Helen had made . She had not planned to die . The present was the thing - work to do and someone to love . But not to love too much , for he knew the injury that a father can do to a daughter or a mother to a son by attaching them too closely : afterward , out in the world , the child would seek in the marriage partner the same blind tenderness and , failing probably to find it , turn against love and life . It was another bright , crisp day . He called Lincoln Peters at the bank where he worked and asked if he could count on taking Honoria when he left for Prague . Lincoln agreed that there was no reason for delay . One thing - the legal guardianship . Marion wanted to retain that a while longer . She was upset by the whole matter , and it would oil things if she felt that the situation was still in her control for another year . Charlie agreed , wanting only the tangible , visible child . Then the question of a governess . Charlie sat in a gloomy agency and talked to a cross Béarnaise and to a buxom Breton peasant , neither of whom he could have endured . There were others whom he would see tomorrow . " There 's another thing . " Lincoln hesitated . " While you and Helen were tearing around Europe throwing money away , we were just getting along . I didn 't touch any of the prosperity because I never got ahead enough to carry anything but my insurance . I think Marion felt there was some kind of injustice in it - you not even working toward the end , and getting richer and richer . " " Yes , a lot of it stayed in the hands of chasseurs and saxophone players and maîtres d ' hôtel - well , the big party 's over now . I just said that to explain Marion 's feeling about those crazy years . If you drop in about six o ' clock tonight before Marion 's too tired , we 'll settle the details on the spot . " DEAR CHARLIE : You were so strange when we saw you the other day that I wondered if I did something to offend you . If so , I 'm not conscious of it . In fact , I have thought about you too much for the last year , and it 's always been in the back of my mind that I might see you if I came over here . We did have such good times that crazy spring , like the night you and I stole the butcher 's tricycle , and the time we tried to call on the president and you had the old derby rim and the wire cane . Everybody seems so old lately , but I don 't feel old a bit . Couldn 't we get together some time today for old time 's sake ? I 've got a vile hang - over for the moment , but will be feeling better this afternoon and will look for you about five in the sweat - shop at the Ritz . His first feeling was one of awe that he had actually , in his mature years , stolen a tricycle and pedalled Lorraine all over the Étoile between the small hours and dawn . In retrospect it was a nightmare . Locking out Helen didn 't fit in with any other act of his life , but the tricycle incident did - it was one of many . How many weeks or months of dissipation to arrive at that condition of utter irresponsibility ? He tried to picture how Lorraine had appeared to him then - very attractive ; Helen was unhappy about it , though she said nothing . Yesterday , in the restaurant , Lorraine had seemed trite , blurred , worn away . He emphatically did not want to see her , and he was glad Alix had not given away his hotel address . It was a relief to think , instead , of Honoria , to think of Sundays spent with her and of saying good morning to her and of knowing she was there in his house at night , drawing her breath in the darkness . He saw , when he arrived in the apartment , that Marion had accepted the inevitable . She greeted him now as though he were a recalcitrant member of the family , rather than a menacing outsider . Honoria had been told she was going ; Charlie was glad to see that her tact made her conceal her excessive happiness . Only on his lap did she whisper her delight and the question " When ? " before she slipped away with the other children . " Family quarrels are bitter things . They don 't go according to any rules . They 're not like aches or wounds ; they 're more like splits in the skin that won 't heal because there 's not enough material . I wish you and I could be on better terms . " " Some things are hard to forget , " she answered . " It 's a question of confidence . " There was no answer to this and presently she asked , " When do you propose to take her ? " It was warm here , it was a home , people together by a fire . The children felt very safe and important ; the mother and father were serious , watchful . They had things to do for the children more important than his visit here . A spoonful of medicine was , after all , more important than the strained relations between Marion and himself . They were not dull people , but they were very much in the grip of life and circumstances . He wondered if he couldn 't do something to get Lincoln out of his rut at the bank . A long peal at the door - bell ; the bonne à tout faire passed through and went down the corridor . The door opened upon another long ring , and then voices , and the three in the salon looked up expectantly ; Lincoln moved to bring the corridor within his range of vision , and Marion rose . Then the maid came back along the corridor , closely followed by the voices , which developed under the light into Duncan Schaeffer and Lorraine Quarrles . They both slid down another cascade of laughter . Anxious and at a loss , Charlie shook hands with them quickly and presented them to Lincoln and Marion . Marion nodded , scarcely speaking . She had drawn back a step toward the fire ; her little girl stood beside her , and Marion put an arm about her shoulder . This made no impression . Lorraine sat down suddenly on the side of a chair , and focussing her eyes on Richard , cried , " Oh , what a nice little boy ! Come here , little boy . " Richard glanced at his mother , but did not move . With a perceptible shrug of her shoulders , Lorraine turned back to Charlie : Her voice became suddenly unpleasant . " All right , we 'll go . But I remember once when you hammered on my door at four A . M . I was enough of a good sport to give you a drink . Come on , Dunc . " " What an outrage ! " Charlie broke out . " What an absolute outrage ! " Neither of them answered . Charlie dropped into an armchair , picked up his drink , set it down again and said : Left alone , Charlie sat tense in his chair . In the next room he could hear the children eating , talking in monosyllables , already oblivious to the scene between their elders . He heard a murmur of conversation from a farther room and then the ticking bell of a telephone receiver picked up , and in a panic he moved to the other side of the room and out of earshot . In a minute Lincoln came back . " Look here , Charlie . I think we 'd better call off dinner for tonight . Marion 's in bad shape . " Charlie got up . He took his coat and hat and started down the corridor . Then he opened the door of the dining room and said in a strange voice , " Good night , children . " Charlie went directly to the Ritz bar with the furious idea of finding Lorraine and Duncan , but they were not there , and he realized that in any case there was nothing he could do . He had not touched his drink at the Peters ' , and now he ordered a whisky - and - soda . Paul came over to say hello . " It 's a great change , " he said sadly . " We do about half the business we did . So many fellows I hear about back in the States lost everything , maybe not in the first crash , but then in the second . Your friend George Hardt lost every cent , I hear . Are you back in the States ? " " Marion 's sick , " Lincoln answered shortly . " I know this thing isn 't altogether your fault , but I can 't have her go to pieces about it . I 'm afraid we 'll have to let it slide for six months ; I can 't take the chance of working her up to this state again . " He went back to his table . His whisky glass was empty , but he shook his head when Alix looked at it questioningly . There wasn 't much he could do now except send Honoria some things ; he would send her a lot of things tomorrow . He thought rather angrily that this was just money - he had given so many people money . . . . He would come back some day ; they couldn 't make him pay forever . But he wanted his child , and nothing was much good now , beside that fact . He wasn 't young any more , with a lot of nice thoughts and dreams to have by himself . He was absolutely sure Helen wouldn 't have wanted him to be so alone . |
Pedro and Lola hid in a cave far into the woods . They had brought Pedro 's hunting rifle , his father 's shotgun , ammunition and some food . Not much more . They knew about this cave from before . It was an old abandoned gypsy cave , quite a cosy place under other circumstances . A wooden door in the entrance , and a small window in the earth wall . Five men came . Two of them had uniforms of the Guardia Civil , the other three seemed to be peasants . They were looking for Pedro and Lola . They were moving up towards the cave , slowly , from tree to tree , from rock to rock . They seemed to know where they were hiding . Lola fired . Hit one of them in the shoulder . The ones still able to fight started shooting , retreating down the way they came from . Pedro could see them moving further down . They seemed to be heading back to town . Pedro and Lola needed to get out of there fast , they would be back . They got out and ran further into the forest behind the cave . They kept walking up towards the mountains . That night they slept outside . They had left the food in the cave , and they did not dare to light a fire . They were cold and hungry . Early in the morning Lola woke up to the sound of Pedro 's voice . From the depths of her dreams , reality slowly came back . A horrible reality she didn 't want . The dogs were coming closer . They could see them . Behind them they heard men shouting . Pedro and Lola started running . It was difficult in this rough terrain . Spines and branches cut their legs and arms . The dogs were right behind them . Out of the bushes a rabbit appeared . It ran just in front of the dogs , teasing them . Then it ran off down a dry river lair . The dogs followed . Pedro and Lola climbed up the hill , hid i the bushes . They could see the dogs far below . They were following a deer now , and the men were following the dogs . The rabbit could no longer be seen . Downwards it was easier , but they were even more visible . All night they walked . In the early morning a man appeared . He had a gun in his hands . For a moment they all froze . Lola held her hand tight around her weapon . The man signalled them to follow him . They looked terrible , their clothes were torn . Cuts everywhere . The man knew why they were there , and wanted to help them . Pedro turned around , looked towards where they had been coming from , as to make sure no one was following . He saw a little man sitting on a stone . A little man with a green hat on his head . The little duende waved , laughing , and jumped down behind the rocks . Image Source : http : / / bit . ly / 2rE1E0M Finn Dreyer was a shoemaker who didn 't really like shoes very much . No , he didn 't like them at all . Every day he would rise early in the morning , walk across town through the slushy snow to his master 's workshop , and spend hour after hour , day after day , year after year , making shoes . It turned out to be señoritos , rich land owners , who had killed them . They stopped by later that day , making a lot of threats , but no one could do anything . The killings continued . Every morning they found new bodies . A bit confused Pedro looked around the barn . No milk anywhere , but the goat was empty . And there couldn 't have been anyone here . Could there ? Every morning someone was found dead . The rich men from the city had said they would kill everyone who had voted against the old system . Pedro knew he was in danger . Life went on , though . They never went anywhere in the night time , but he was worried of who had stolen the milk . The revolutionaries would not steal from him , he knew that . They were occupied taking down the ones in power . This morning things seemed to be back to normal . He was going down to meet his cousin and some friends to talk about the situation . They couldn 't let people keep disappearing . He went to milk the goat before he left , and was picking up some utensils when he heard something behind him . He turned around . He was astonished . He had never really believed in the gnomes , but there it was . The same little creature he 'd seen the other day . It was real . Hey stop that ! What do you think you 're … The little gnome came running towards him . Kicked him in the leg . Why you little … Now he was getting angry . He tried to kick it , but he missed . He tried again . The little soul less gnome was too fast . It picked up a log from the floor . Hit him in the ass with it . Pedro was really pissed now . He grabbed a long stick meant to be the handle for a broom . Now you 've done it , he said , hitting for the little man . Missing . All the time . The duende , on the other hand got it quite a few punches . After a long fight he was lying on the floor , exhausted . The little man was sitting on the bench laughing . Pedro was defeated He got up , limped out of the barn . He walked down towards town . He saw a large group of people further down . They were talking , shouting . People were running up and down the slope . Pedro walked over , slowly , his whole body was hurting . There were three bodies on the ground . One of them was his cousin . If it wasn 't for the fight with the little man , Pedro would have been one of them . Pedro opened the door and went out to the barn . He had his goat inside now that winter was coming . He milked it , as he always did , and went back into the house . His father was sitting in front of the fire place , and his mother was in the kitchen . He went into the living room to his father . He was sitting reading a book . He was always reading when he wasn 't working . Pedro sat down on the old bench beside him . Lola was a peasant 's daughter , from a village nearby . She and Pedro met on a village party , she was there with her cousin . She was the most beautiful thing Pedro had ever seen . Less than a year after they got married . The next years old landlords were loosing land to the poor peasants . People were less hungry each day . It was a time of hope , but there was also violence . One day Pedro went out to the barn , as he used to . There was a full bucket of milk under the goat . It had had milked itself . Yes , all by itself . A creature was watching him from a pole in the ceiling . A little man , with pointy ears and a little green hat on his head . Pedro lifted his head . For a moment their eyes met . The little man seemed to be laughing . He turned into a bird and flew out of a hole in the wall . A boy and a girl are running through the forest . Down a slope , looking back as if someone is after them . She stumbles , he stops and runs back for her . He takes her hand , about to pull her up . Then they burst into laughter . They had been on a boat trip and disembarked on an island . They had come across a large apple grove by a house in the woods . Bountiful apples , tempting as hell . They jumped over the fence and helped themselves greedily . Then they had heard : Who 's there ? An angry voice . They had ran . Ole got Tina on her feet . They ran down to the boat and cast off . He started the engine and they set off away from the island full speed . They looked at each other and burst out laughing again . Mr Arnaldo owned a travelling show with five attractions . The bearded woman , the man with the giant foot . the monkey boy and the man with eleven fingers . They were not the interesting part . They had something new now . Something horrible . The other monsters were humans . There wasn 't really any doubt about it . But the fifth one was … different . It was humanoid , but only to some extent . There was something to it . Behind it 's eyes . In the shadows that surrounded it . They hadn 't let it out of the cage . The bearded woman was Mr Arnaldo 's wife , and she wasn 't really bearded . He let his beard grow , they cut it , and glued it to her face . The monkey boy , on the other hand , was real . Well , he wasn 't a monkey boy , of course , but he was very hairy . They had bought him from his parents a couple of years ago , they were happy to get rid of him . Shameful , they had been . So now he was travelling with them . He didn 't like the shows much , but he was OK the rest of the time . They didn 't give him food and roof for charity , either . The man with the giant foot and the other with eleven fingers was just that , a man with a giant foot and one with eleven fingers . He 'd given them a job , that 's all . They weren 't really that interesting though , the monkey boy and his bearded wife pulled in more costumers . He didn 't pay them much anyway , it 's not like they could find anything else . Ever since the two headed girl died , things had been going slow . The others simply weren 't enough two pull the business . That 's when they 'd found the creature . It was perfect . It was like a human , somehow , but there were shadows moving around it . It 's red , glowing eyes gave it 's intense stare an evil , dark and horrible depth never before seen . They were going to be famous . Now , ladies and gentlemen , it 's time for the great attraction ! You think what you seen until now is disgusting ? You think they are horrendous monsters ? Behold , a creature from the darker depths of dungeon dimensions . A demon of horrible hells . The horrible ! The Dark ! The Evil ! Rangooooorrrr ! He pulled the cloth off . Inside they saw something moving . Something dark , as if it was inside a shadow , darkness moving around though light should enter . It was moving around , as in fear . Fear of the light . Fear of the people . They could catch a glimpse of a face . A horrible , evil face . A sigh of astonishment went through the crowd . Amazing … Horrendous … . It 's a devil … They whispered , they were to shocked to shout . Then someone started applauding . Everyone soon followed . Loud shouts . Mr Arnaldo was bowing to the applause . People stopped clapping . He looked at them . At their faces . Some looked scared . Others amazed , as if they were waiting for the next great part of the show . They were not looking at him . They were looking behind him . He turned slowly around . The dark creature was no longer inside the cage . It was standing behind him . He screamed . The crowd suddenly understood this was not part of the show . Panic broke out in the crowd . People started running away , but the creature suddenly was everywhere . It started killing . People were ripped to pieces by the dark shadows moving around them outside of time . A bloodbath . The creature lifted him up . Laughing . He screamed as his body slowly dissolved into little , dark flying creeps , disappearing in the air as the flew away . Clang ! The sound reverberated throughout the hall as Faith made her way down the ladder . Her metal foot was slippery on the iron rungs . She resisted the temptation to point her toe as she descended ; she physically couldn 't and the effort caused her calf to cramp above the prosthetic . The sound was a reproach . Before , in the other life , she would have reveled in the acrobatic opportunities of the ladder , trying tricks like reaching her legs into the splits while she hung suspended from her trustworthy hands . She would have gloried in her strength and her fearlessness , entertaining herself on this long climb down . Now she had a syncopated reminder to stick to the route , no deviations . At the bottom she spotted the plinth right away . She walked to it , carriage proud in spite of the limp . She placed her hands on the indentations on the side of the pedestal … His brain didn 't work the way it should . It was … Diffuse . Strange . Like if there was some kind of fog , some kind of … death . He felt nothing . He wasn 't sure if he was even alive . He arrived between the houses . People were walking by , some saluted . Others ignored him . He didn 't understand . He didn 't care . They were things , moving , walking . Martin saw a strange man walking down the street . He jumped aside , as the other almost bumped into him . Hey , Jones ! I didn 't recognise you . Jones the gravedigger just passed by , like he didn 't even see him . He walked strangely . He must be drunk , said Martin when he was a bit down the road . So unlike him . He came to a house . It looked familiar , somehow . What was that , deep inside him ? Feelings ? Memories ? He needed to feel something . He needed to remember . Something to show him he existed , that he was alive . Something real . He entered . His shady eyesight made it hard to see . Some sound from within the house , from the next room . It was hard to tell what it was , his ears were full of noise , a background noise without meaning . Or was it his brain ? He tried to think about it , but his thoughts were slow , too slow . They didn 't make sense . Darcy came walking into the hallway . He was standing there , looking at her . She used to be his wife , but he could not really remember . She looked at him . What 's wrong , darling … ? She said . He said nothing . The expression on his face was … . Strange . Dead , somehow . Empty . Scary . What 's that you have on your head ? There were cables and metal tubes sticking out on one side . He caught her . Held her down . She tried to fight him , but he was too strong . He needed to feel something . Anything . He bit her . Bit her in the face . She screamed even harder . Started hitting him . He could feel the punches . A little bit . Not pain . Not even molest . Just the recognition of something hitting his skin . It felt good . Alive . Real . He started hitting her back . In the face . Again and again . He felt something . A strange pleasure of violence . Some of the life he vaguely remembered was still in him . She didn 't move any more . He punched her face a while longer . It wasn 't the same when she didn 't move . He started biting her head . Martin came running in the open door . He 'd heard the noise , and came to see what was happening . Darcy ! Is everything … He stopped . Her husband was lying over her . Chewing on her . He backed out . Help ! Help , someone ! The creature got up on his feet . Walked towards the noise . Out the door . Martin ran away , screaming . The other villagers came out of their houses . He looked at them . Their weapons . They were after him . They wanted to hurt him . Fear ? Maybe . Something strange deep underneath the clouds in his mind . Fear . Danger . He turned , ran . Down the slope , over the fields , into the forest . The farmers came running after him . Shouting . Dogs barking . A dog reached , him , barking around his legs . A small one . He tried to kick it , but it was difficult when he was running . Another dog , a big one , came . Bit his leg . He fell . Two others started biting his arms . Fear . Definitely fear . A farmer arrived , stabbed him with a trident . Another hit his head with a big pickaxe . Pain . He was alive . He was beyond doubt alive . Freakinstone was a scientist , and he was crazy . Good old spickedly mad , as they said in the village . After the great destruction , science was still evolving , but at a personal level , like in the old days . He had learned from his father , and he had access to a lot of old technology from the great metal disposal area close to his old castle . He 'd started out with a beetle . Insects were easier , their cells seemed to regenerate faster , and there were more cells that were expendable . The battery assured energy . He pushed the little button . It didn 't move , just lay there . He had to have done something wrong . Somewhere in his calculations there had to be some kind of failure . He picked up his papers when he saw a movement in the corner of his eye . He stopped . Stared . Did the little creep move a leg ? He had moved on to small reptiles , lizards . They moved around , but were quite clumsy and stupid . He had some control over them as well . The first mouse was a great breakthrough . He needed them fresh , so he killed them himself when the electronics were already attached . They moved around more freely , and even though he had his remote they were harder to control than the reptiles , and much harder than the insects . They had more will somehow , if such thing even existed . He needed to complete his work . He needed a human . A human for him to control . It would be very practical to have someone to do all the work around here , so he could focus a hundred percent on his science . He dug up a body from the graveyard . A child , easier to carry . Several nights light could be seen in the tower of his castle . He worked without stopping until it was ready . He turned it on . It started moving a little . Ghhehehehennnsnsnam … . A strange gurgling sound came from the recently revived child . It sounded like it was in pain . Horrible pain . It didn 't move . No eye contact . Some shaking was all the movement he could see . This was no human . It was a vegetable . He turned it off , disappointed . Ah , Freakinstone ! Said the gravedigger . Nice to see you . Could you believe someone dug up a dead body the other day ? It was the Jeff and Alice 's kid , who died from a heart failure . Some people are just crazy , aren 't they ? They … What 's up ? You look strange … What are you doing with that kn … nooo ! Aaaahhh ! ! Help me ! ! ! Ahghhh ! Freakinstone turned the gravedigger 's carriage , poured out the dirt to empty it . He got the dead body into it , and hurried up to his old castle . He had to get started fast , before the body started to rot . Hello ! He said . I eh … You had an … accident ! That 's it , an accident . Now you need to rest . No . No - no - no ! You need to stay down and rest ! The gravedigger grabbed him by the throat . Lifted him up . Lay him down on the same bench he had been lying on himself . Choked him to death . He stood there for a moment . His eyes were blurry , like if the room was full of smoke . Or was it his brain ? He didn 't know . He couldn 't think straight . He felt nothing . Knew nothing . Or at least not much . Some blurry memories , but he wasn 't sure what they was . He wasn 't even sure if he was dead or alive . The old tree was standing on a hill . The wind went through it 's leaves , the birds jumped around on it 's branches , there were insects piercing into it 's trunk . It didn 't care . It was just the way things were . It had water . Earth . Sun . It was all it ever needed . On the hill it had been standing all it 's life , as natural was . It was part of the hill , and almost as big under ground as over ground . Under ground sometimes a little creature touched it 's roots . Sometimes some worm dug into them . It didn 't care . It was all part of being a tree . Today a man came along . He was measuring it 's trunk . Looking at it . He even made a cross in it 's skin . It didn 't hurt . Things didn 't really hurt when you 're a tree . It was good being a tree . The next day the man came back . He cut the tree down . It didn 't really hurt either , but it was not good . It was not good at all . When the man pulled up the root , cut it into pieces and carried it all away , the tree 's life was over for ever . Stop the thief ! Stop the thief ! Ragon reacted fast . He lifted his spear , jumped over the wagon between him and the market stairs . In mid air he stabbed the thief in the throat . She fell dead to the ground . Ragon was a soldier . He protected law and order in the city . His job was mostly to kill people . People who murdered or raped . People who stole . People who kissed in public . Sometimes he did a mistake , but that was just the way things were , the way they had always been . No one questioned it . No one objected . Marakara came running . Thank you soldier , he said . Thank you ! He got the apples out of the dead thief 's hand . He could have bought new apples and it was uncomfortable to see the dead body on the ground , but the law was the law . Things were as they always had been . There was no other way . He never questioned it . He never objected . One day a stranger came to town . A man from rocky mountains far away . His name was Tornag . He questioned . He spoke with words put together in ways no one had ever heard . Arguments no one could deny . Reason . People listened , started questioning themselves . Soon they objected . It got quite boring after a while , hanging around all these mirrors , waiting for someone to call . This afterlife business wasn 't all it was cracked up to be , that was for sure . She sometimes wondered if death - the other side , Elysium , beyond the veil , heaven , hell , purgatory , the underworld , whatever - was like this for everyone . But that couldn 't be - after all , in all these years she 'd spent running from mirror to mirror whenever she was summoned , she 'd never run into anyone else . The first time she heard her name , she 'd thought it was him , the last voice she 'd ever heard . She went running , hoping that it was , so that she could have her revenge . It wasn 't him , though - it was some total strangers , people she didn 't know and had never seen before . I stood there , waiting for his move . Trying to look as defenceless as I could , so he would underestimate me when he decided to kill me . One of us was going to die tonight . It wasn 't going to be me . No answer . He was just looking at me , as if he wanted it . Maybe that was it . Maybe he wanted me to put him out of his misery . It bothered me . Not much punishment in that . I preferred the ones who begged for mercy . At least I was going to make it painful . I needed to get out of there . The cops could be there any moment . Some neighbour might have heard the noise , though it probably was quite usual in this neighbourhood . This would be hard to explain . I turned around , took one last look at the macabre symbol on the wall . The face of the little girl was smiling as well . There was a strange glow from it . I got out of there fast . Running down the road I felt different . Like I had changed somehow . I still had the same urge for justice , the same urge for avenging anything wrong in this world . I still felt like the good guy of justice I always had considered myself , but I saw things differently now . I stood in the middle of the room , watching the horrible symbol in front of me . A little girl had been cut to pieces , hung up on the wall in a sinister figure . What was it ? Some satanic summoning ? A sect of some kind ? I hadn 't seen this symbol before either . Her head was in the centre , her legs and arms made a circle . Her hands and feet were placed outside the circle , making a square . There had been two other murderers following a similar pattern . First a young man . Second a woman . Now a child . Sick . I wanted to throw up , but I couldn 't leave DNA on the scene of the crime . The cops would think it was me . It wasn 't the first time I had mixed myself up in a crime investigation . The laws were not strict enough . They deserved to suffer and die . I did the sacrifice of being the executer . The torturer . The first murder I read about in the newspaper . The second I had gotten there before the police . I have my ways . That 's when I had understood the gravity of the situation . The woman had been spread out on the floor in many pieces . Her fingers had been laid out in some ancient letter . I had been studying it for days , trying to find out what it meant , where it came … without luck . This was worse . The face of the little girl seemed tor have died in horrendous pain and fear . The painstaking cutting of the pieces was … I shivered . This was even worse than I had expected . I got the little bottle out of my pocket , opened it with shaking fingers . I needed to calm down . The whiskey poured down my throat . It felt good , but it wasn 't enough . Someone had called me at home . It had been a strange phone call . They told me to go here . Why did they want me here ? How did they know I was looking for them ? Who were these sick bastards ? A man was standing there . He was about forty years old . He had a white medic coat covered in blood . Literally , I knew it was white only by a small part of the collar . In his right hand he held a knife . The big kind , to cut meat . That wasn 't the scary part . |
I slid my well - used survival knife deftly into the mark 's heart , his familiar gasp of surprise instantly gratifying . After a few more jerks , his body went limp in my arms . Withdrawing the knife smoothly , I lay the dead weight down across the stoop of his business . His employees would find it when they arrived for work the next morning . Moving the coiled whip at my waist out of the way , I went to one knee to sever his head . The bastard rolled as I reached for him , going to all fours as his skin started rippling . A throaty growl issued from his mouth where fangs were rapidly erupting . " Who 'd have figured you for a goddamned shapeshifter ? " I hissed , bracing myself for the lunge that was coming . " You 're a street thug , Ken - " I dropped the knife , and used both hands to keep those white fangs out of me , as I partly shifted , my own fangs forming fast . Spreading my lips wide , I bit down into Ken 's foreleg . He screamed and thrashed , trying to shake me loose , even as he changed form back to human . I held on tight , pumping the venom in as fast as I could . " Abraham told you to stop selling drugs in his territory , " I hissed . " That you weren 't going to listen was a given . But who the hell turned you ? There 're no werepanthers inside the city limits . " I cleaned my knife blade on the remnants of his torn clothes . Why not ? It 'd already been amateur night here with me having to resort to my venom . Might as well move it up to total incompetence . I walked off to my car , consoling myself that probably the cops wouldn 't notice poison residue mixed in with the victim 's blood when they had a headless , naked body to hush up . Even if they did , what I used was a common poison ; something readily available at a dozen locations inside the city limits . In any case , the sky was lightening . My vampire boss would turn in for the day any minute now . Before he did , I had to get back and make my report . " Ken 's dead . I left the body like you asked . Someone had turned him panther in the last week - unless you forgot to mention that when you asked me to kill him . " He rubbed his eyes . " Good . We 've had enough since the Crash . People all over the country are suffering . Hoover 's made a few speeches outlining some new government plans , but nothing 's come of them yet . " I sat in my room later that morning , sipping some single malt . For the past month , I 'd been having trouble sleeping . A few shots were usually enough to relax me , but this morning it wasn 't working . I hadn 't always been an assassin . I 'd been a bright young man poised for a successful future , maybe an exemplary one . I 'd been going to get married . I lived with my mother and brother . We were dirt - poor , our home a one - room wooden cabin , the stilts of the floor supports sunk deep into the muddy water . We had a table and four chairs , a rocking chair , a small potbellied stove , and a bed . The latter was big enough only for my mother , but that was all right with us . My brother and I slept on the floor , preferring to be near the stove . Every night in the cool season , my mother would put in a log , and it was comforting to feel the heat soaking into us . We were always human at night , as the cold - bloodedness of our reptile forms let us get chilled easily . We were weresnakes of the water moccasin variety , a type of poisonous viper called cottonmouths . My mother always said that was our Achilles ' heel ; that we were cold - blooded where so many other types of weres were warm - blooded . We could die if we froze , where others like werefoxes , werebears , and werewolves would not . It limited where we could live . There were many snakes in Texas , my mother said , and in the Southwest . There had been many in Florida in the late 1800s , but the ever - encroaching human population had driven most from their coastal homes into the swamp . We were one of those families . I laughed . My brother hissed at me , but he laughed too . He was easygoing , my brother was , with more of my mother 's temperament than I had . He looked a little like her too , his mouth always ready to smile , his eyes usually twinkling , and his features open and honest . I never knew his father , so I couldn 't say if he had his father 's features . But his hazel eyes were my mother 's , and they were always happy . We usually hunted in snake form , though that was the only time we changed forms , emerging from the house only after the transformation was complete . My mother was afraid of someone finding out about us and told us we couldn 't risk changing form outside . Even deep in the swamp as we were , sometimes swamp tours traveled off the beaten path , the white ghost faces looking all around in fear before the guide got the boat turned around . We would always hide and were never seen in snake form , only as humans . We spent at least a few hours every day in snake form , so it wasn 't as if we were deprived . But feeling of shame was there even then , that non - weresnakes would not accept us , that what we were was something to be hidden away and only let out when no one was watching . I had long since heard the tale of Franco 's father , and how he died . But where was my father ? One day , when I was about five , I asked my mother . " No , " she said , hugging me . " At least I don 't think so . I would like to think I would know if he died . " " He would like to be , " she said comfortingly . " He just can 't be right now , Tryst . But have patience . You 'll meet him someday . " I wanted to meet him now . Waiting was crap , as my brother so eloquently put it . But no matter how much I wheedled , my mother would say no more . Franco was nine years of age to my paltry five years . I obeyed , silently peering out the window with him , through the ripped mosquito netting . My mother was sitting by herself in the moonlight , sobbing . My first instinct was to go to her , but my brother stopped me . " See ? This is where all your talk of your father has gone . You had to go on and on about it ! Look how upset she is . " " Don 't talk about your father anymore . And help me hunt . You 're old enough to catch your own dinner now . Mom does enough . " I felt a horrible sense of loss . This was the only home I knew . I didn 't want to go anywhere else . And the worst of it was that we weren 't just moving to another location in the swamp . We were moving to a town - a town of humans , where we would be forced to live among them . After years of having to avoid them , the idea was incomprehensible to me . My mother looked so angry I thought she might spank me . She rarely did that , but she had once or twice , like the time I 'd said " screw , " and the time I 'd put some mud in her one pair of shoes as a joke . Instead , it was my brother who grabbed hold of me . " Trystan , we have to . We don 't own this land we live on . The state of Florida does , and they 've gone and sold it to developers . There is some talk of turning this area into a theme park of some sort , something to bring in more tourists - " Fucking tourists . Why couldn 't they stay where they lived and out of our home ? I fucking hated them ; I hated them all , just as I feared them . " Not for a while , " my mother said softly . " But it will be soon enough . Tryst . There has to be no trace of us here . We need to find another home , one that belongs to us . " That next day , we packed up everything and gorged ourselves on as many fish , frogs , and birds as we could catch . The morning after , we put our few belongings on our backs , and began poling out of the swamp in our small boat . We made it out in only a few hours . I was instantly afraid . I hadn 't known the world had so many people . I saw five immediately as we came out into a small clearing . They were in a large fishing boat with a scruffy - looking man at the helm . The four men were fishing , though they looked as if the suits they were wearing were much too hot and uncomfortable for them to be relaxing . There was a woman too , smoking a long cigarette and looking at us as if we were a dead fish 's guts or something else just as worthless . It took us three days of walking to reach a town . We bunked down in some bushes at night to sleep . I was just happy it wasn 't raining . Storms were frequent , and I didn 't want to be wearing soaked clothes for days . When we got there , she took us directly to the sheriff 's office , told us to wait , and then went inside . Franco stayed with me , but when he heard the conversation , he hissed and went in . It took me only a second to decide to follow him . " Thank you , no , " my mother said curtly . " I 've no wish to work in a saloon . We 'll try the next town . Perhaps it will be bigger - " My mother just looked at him for a moment , nodded once , and took my brother and me to the next town . The answer was the same there . And at the next . We worked our way north slowly . We ate when we were hungry , and slept when we were tired . Looking back , if we had not stuck to back roads and small towns , we might have starved . But as the swamp had , the forest held many mice , rabbits , birds , frogs , and other prey for us . Still , we were always hungry . Flesh might have filled our bellies as snakes , but an all - protein diet , especially a lean one , and the constant walking took its toll on us as human . When we finally reached the town of Centennial , just a few miles from the coast of South Carolina , we were almost skeletal . We rested for a while before entering the town . At a small farm on the outskirts , my brother was able to work for a week , netting our family not only a warm place to sleep at night , but also something besides flesh to eat . For the first time in our travels , luck was with us . The local diner 's cook had just died in a brawl , and his position was open . My mother tried for that first , but was turned down . Happily , the cook 's wife , now a widow of some means , packed up her bags that same night we arrived . The next morning , my mother took the widow 's old position , that of waitressing in the restaurant and cleaning up at night . It wasn 't a bad time . There were mostly people of Spanish descent in that town and just a few whites . While they didn 't know us , the paler members of their society persecuted us in the same way , so we were welcomed . For a time , it was easy to blend in . There was no school in town . These people labored in the fields , and their children started working young . In retrospect , I 'm not sure why my mother didn 't have my brother and me get jobs , as that would have helped with rent and expenses . Instead we hunted a lot to supplement her earnings , and now because of all the people around , we had to do it in human form . We stunk at it , and it took a good part of the day to catch a few rabbits . My brother asked for a gun so that he might hunt deer , but my mother refused to even consider it . So he built a bow and arrow instead and showed me how to set snares , and we were able to keep ourselves in meat . But the game was not as abundant as it had been in the swamp , and while we weren 't hungry , we never really had enough to feel full . The children mostly shied away from my brother and me . They were nice enough to point out the best place to steal a few apples on a lazy Saturday afternoon for a snack , the best local swimming hole , and the older men and women who might shoot at anyone who trespassed on their land . But when we showed up , they always excused themselves and melted away , leaving us alone . Idiot that I was , I believe that they had just realized it was time for dinner . My brother clued me in one night as we sat outside the diner looking at the stars . My mother was cleaning up after the day , and we were waiting outside for her , hoping there had been food left over today that we might have for supper . I was secretly hoping for leftover pork chops . I 'd never had pork before we 'd left the swamp , and the taste of it was delightful - so sweet and fatty . But pork was a low probability . Usually it was bread or vegetables that were left over , when there was anything at all . " Can 't we do anything ? " I said in a small voice . " I want to be liked . I want to play ball with them , like they play sometimes on Sunday afternoons - " " Forget it , " my brother said , throwing a stone pebble into the street puddle where it splashed . " You can 't be anything but snake . And you 'll never play ball with them . Never , Tryst . " I felt sad , but said nothing . What was there to say ? My brother was older and he knew a lot more than I did , so he was probably right . We nodded . Franco took the wrapped parcel she handed him , and I took the one she handed me . Slowly we trudged home , and when we got there , my mother put the frying pan on the stove , and Franco unwrapped the parcels . Tonight we had bread , potatoes , some rabbits Franco had caught , a pair of frogs , and a thin sliver of butter . We divided it up , and as usual , my mother insisted we eat the larger portions because we were growing . We insisted she eat the most , because she was working a twelve - hour shift every day but Sunday . And we ended up sharing it all equally , as we usually did . About a month later , my brother and I noticed that a man was now waiting for our mother to close up the diner each night . He was nice - looking , tall , and soft - spoken . He would give us candy , which I greedily took , though Franco always refused . His name was Rodney , and soon enough we found out that he owned the local paper . It wasn 't much of a publication , just one for the county , but he made decent money . He lived in a nice house , a big two storey that was about a block away from the diner . Things finally reached a breaking point on a Saturday night . My mother had been anxious all day , though she denied anything was wrong . We were waiting for her as usual when it happened . " Yes , Rachel , it 's true . They want you to come and be a lady 's maid there at the Case Hotel . I just got the letter today . Here , take a look . " I was shocked . I hadn 't known my mother could read . Our family didn 't own any books , or anything with a printed word on it . " My God ! " my mother said happily . " This is so wonderful ! I 've been praying and hoping so much for this ! " Rodney came out the door , and we both hid , not wanting to see him . He was shamefaced , and walked quickly towards his house . My mother came out a few minutes later . She appeared calm as she usually was , her face placid and serene . Yet the scent coming off her was one part rage , and two parts disappointment . She began walking toward home . Without a word , we followed . My mother made polite conversation through dinner , though her scent of fury and bitterness remained the same . Finally , Franco asked her loudly what the hell was going on . I don 't know who was more taken aback , my mother or me . " Franco , I applied for a job at a large hotel on the coast . Rodney helped me , and wrote the letter . I can read , but my penmanship is not the best . I got it . " " Yes , in a few days , less if we can . It will take us a week at least to get there by walking , maybe more . They expect me in two weeks . " My brother grabbed beneath his bed , and lifted out a huge rusty revolver , which he loaded with four bullets . He got up from bed , and I heard the cry again . My mother was in danger ! She needed our help ! I got up without thinking , but my brother pushed me back down . I nodded because I was afraid . Franco ran for the door , throwing it open . Through the gap I glimpsed my mother on her bed , fighting hard with Rodney . She was strong , but she hadn 't eaten enough in months , her strength was at low ebb . And Rodney was a man crazed with lust . " Give it to me ! I 've waited long enough to have you ! You act like you 're a goddamn virgin , but you 've got two sons , Rachel , so you clearly know how to please a man - " Rodney had inched closer . With a quick move , he slapped the gun out of my brother 's hands and punched him in the face . My brother fell to the floor . Rodney began hitting him over and over , grunting . My mother tried to stop him , but he struck her hard across her face , knocking her back to the bed . Something happened to me then . I calmly got up from my hiding place , went to the gun , picked it up , made sure it was cocked as I 'd seen my brother do , and walked to Rodney , who didn 't even see me . I put the muzzle against the side of his head and pulled the trigger . His head exploded in a spray of blood , and he fell backward off my brother to land on the floor , still twitching . My brother looked at me , fear in his eyes . Yet when I reached a hand down to him , he took it . We went over to our mother , who hugged us . " What ? " I hissed . " We need to leave , and make it seem we had nothing to do with him dying . They 'll know where we 're going from the letter , and if we leave the same night he 's found murdered , they 'll send someone after us - " " Tryst is right , " my mother said . " Take him to the bridge near the river and throw him off . The current will pull him downstream . They 'll say he drowned , that his head was smashed open on a rock when he fell in . Take a bottle of whisky with you , he 's known as a drinker - " " Go to his house and get one . Here are his keys . His wife may be waiting up for him , so be extra careful . Grab anything of value that won 't be easily missed . " I 'd not thought my mother would ever steal from anyone . But in the next moment , I saw her reach into his pocket , pull out the letter from the Case Hotel , and tuck it into the front of her dress . Then she went through his pockets and grabbed his wallet , which was full and clinked a good deal . That also went into the front of her dress . We left , carrying him between us with effort . We got him to the bridge without being seen . Here my brother tore off a scrap of his suit , and then together , we threw him off . His body swirled in the current , and then he was lost in the shadows . " It 's Tryst 's , and he 'll carry it until we reach the coast , " my mother said flatly . " He has the will to use it , and you don 't , Franco . Don 't be upset about that . I 'm not any good with guns , either . Some people find it easier to kill than others do . Your father never liked to kill . " " He didn 't mind it , " my mother said , her expression troubled . She didn 't look at me . " He didn 't mind it . " Two weeks later , we arrived at the Case Hotel . I was afraid at once . This place was huge . There was a small town , rows of big houses , still larger houses along the coastline , and finally a grand hotel with five hundred rooms , an expanse of white beach , and thousands of people . On the outskirts of all this , there were many small , rough houses , which I discovered later served as quarters for the servants who worked in all those big houses . We were lucky , my mother said . Being a lady 's maid , she had free lodging in the hotel and free food . But all was not well . " It was understood you were single , not a mother , " the blonde woman at the counter said when my mother handed her the letter . " You can 't work here and have illegitimate children . This hotel has a reputation to uphold - " " Fine , but they must have all the food they need , so they can work as hard as they can , " my mother said firmly . " And not just bread and water . Meat , at least twice a day , and not just fat and gristle - " " That is understood , " the woman said , nodding again . " The Case Hotel is known for its fairness to its workers . This will work out well , actually . Being boys , they 'll be good assets , much better than if you had two girls . " My mother gave a smile , but as we headed to our room , she scowled . When we got there , we were pleasantly surprised . The room was huge , with a large bed big enough for my mother , and another couch that turned into a bed for my brother and me . There was no stove , but the room was warm , the blankets were heavy , and the carpet thick as a blanket . We had never had carpet before . I took off my shoes , so that I might feel it under my feet . I wanted badly to become snake and slither around on it . I just knew it would feel so soft along my underbelly . " Rest , " my mother said . " I need to sleep . In an hour , we 'll go down to dinner , and then find out what we will be doing . " She was right . My brother was soon bussing tables in the hotel restaurant . He said cleaning up after the rich guests was more than a little disgusting . Yet sometimes the food was barely eaten , and then Franco would get to sample some of the expensive dishes , like poached salmon , whitefish , and escargot . He boasted about that to me until my mother took him aside and said something to him , and then he said no more about it . My mother liked her job too . As a lady 's maid , she took direction from the servants of the ladies themselves . Most of what she was required to do was simple fetching and tidying , or preparation , like laying out clothes , or drawing a bath . While it was nerve - grating sometimes , she said she liked it , that it was much easier than what she had done until now , and that no men were ever around to bother her at all . That last she said with relief , making me wonder how many other men had bothered her in her other job . No doubt , looking back , she felt bad about killing Rodney and taking his money after he 'd helped her get this job . My brother felt a little bad too about it , I thought , from the way he sometimes sat by himself and seemed to stare off into space . I didn 't feel bad . That fuck had deserved everything he got , and more besides . He 'd gotten off easy . My only regret was I had no money for more bullets , though I did swipe some sandpaper and oil and got the gun cleaned up and oiled so that the metal shone , and the center chambers slipped out easily and with no noise when I pressed the release . I then practiced getting the bullets into the gun quickly , and sighting potential targets in . But with no more bullets , I couldn 't practice my aim . I hadn 't a lot of spare time , anyway . I wasn 't asked to be a busboy for some reason no one ever really told me , though I deemed it was because I looked a little menacing and didn 't smile much . Maybe they thought the sight of me wouldn 't make people hungry . Assholes . Yet I was good enough for hard labor . I was put to work in the stables , cleaning up after horses for the guests . Cars had been invented , but not very common yet , though once in a great while one of the richer guests had one . The stable housed many horses of all breeds . Some were horses that stayed there for a time with their masters , and some were horses the hotel kept for guests to rent out , both for pleasure and for transport . Yet all those horses had two things in common ; they all scented the snake in me and didn 't like it one fucking bit . I was kicked twice in my chest on my first day . If I hadn 't been were , I 'd have died . As it was , I felt sick all afternoon from the pain as my ribs knitted back together . The next day one bit me on the arm , hard enough to almost crack the bone . After that , I took to stealing sugar lumps from the kitchen whenever I ate a meal in the back , where the servants were usually fed dinner , to bribe the horses . With that routine bribery , I was never hurt again , though the horses tolerated me in their stalls only so long as I gave them the sugar and got out again in about ten minutes . Luckily I was fast , being weresnake , and I learned to be even faster . My work ethic pleased my boss , who gave me other stable work to do . Fortunately , that was not in the presence of any animals , so I could slow down my frantic pace . Even better , he paid me for it . It was only five pennies a week , but that was a lot back then . If he 'd been an ass , he could have made me work for free . I was grateful to him , and in return helped him when I could , carrying heavy loads , and running errands for him on my own time . He was kind to me , the first human who was . His name was John . Months passed that way , and then some years , and we all grew older . Because we no longer had to hunt , my brother and I filled out , as we hadn 't for many years . Franco was taller than I was by at least a foot , and I gathered from what my mother said that his father had been taller than mine . I resented that , I admit . Still , it wasn 't as though I was a dwarf or anything , so I never complained , though I was very jealous of his good looks . Women looked at him the way they never did at me , soon after he turned sixteen . As he got older , he got more and more attention . My mother was much healthier . Her face lost that tired look she had worn for so long , even though she continued to give us a lot of her own food . I am ashamed to this day that I took it , and didn 't think of her more . But she was stubborn , and might not have eaten it even if my brother and I had refused to . It was about a year after we came that the management of the Case Hotel established a school for the children of the hotel workers . There was a movement in those years after the Great War to better the younger generation , so that there would never be another war so horrible as that first one . Even so , the management wouldn 't let the children of fieldworkers or servants who didn 't work at the hotel attend . Most late fall and early spring days , both slow seasons at the hotel , we gathered in the afternoons . They taught us basic reading , writing , and arithmetic . Again , despite their good intentions , not all was well . The first schoolmaster was a pedophile and a monster . You 'd think those were the same things , but he was more than a sexual predator ; he was a master at covering his crimes up , and making the child believe there was no one to turn to . He lasted four and a half weeks , until I caught him at it one Sunday afternoon when I was out sunbathing as a snake and practicing loading my gun . Hearing cries for help and recognizing the voice as someone from class , I went to investigate , and caught the schoolmaster sodomizing one of the eight - year - old boys . After that , I had only two bullets to practice loading the gun . The boy I 'd saved thanked me and swore he would tell no one . As far as I knew , he never did . If only all humans were like him … Anyway , he helped me toss the body out to sea , and the tide took it out . That afternoon , I bought some more bullets with the money I stole from the schoolmaster and my savings from working in the hotel . I told the shopkeep it was an errand for my supervisor and he believed me . Now I had fifty bullets . I practiced shooting sometimes , only spending five bullets at a time . At first , I was a terrible shot at any distance , but by the time I 'd reached the last five , I was decent . Years passed . When I was fifteen , things went bad for a while . The old stable master John got sick from the flu that winter . I did my best to nurse him , and even got my mother to make him some healing poultices to try to break his fever . But it was for nothing , and he died without seeing the spring . The new stable master , David , expected me to do the same work I 'd been doing with no extra pay , and I had no say , although I tried asking for fair compensation . He found out the hard way that I 'd work better if he paid me the day the hotel owner 's prize stallion kicked down his stall door , and it had to be replaced . When I let him try to lift the two hundred - pound door by himself instead of helping him , he dropped one end on his foot , breaking it in two places . I came to his aid , and not only got it off his foot , but also carried him to the hotel 's resident doctor . Things went better after that . I begin to get ten pennies a week , which improved my disposition toward him . I could read well by that time , though my writing wasn 't that great . But while I had friends in the pages of my books , I had not one single friend in that whole damned school . The boy I 'd saved talked to me for a while , but drifted away as he got older . Not that I minded being alone . I didn 't . My books and my brother and mother were enough . Review : Trystan / Lash spent his early childhood happily in the Florida swamps with his older brother , Franco , and their mother . When development forces them to leave , they eventually travel to a hotel on the South Carolina coast that employs them all . Life isn 't bad and they 're basically content , until Lash 's father , Jared , shows up . Is this the happily ever after his mother 's waited seventeen years for or the beginning of something else entirely ? Lash is not a paranormal romance , need to say that upfront . Nor is Lash for the faint of heart . There 's a lot of violence in these pages . However , you wouldn 't expect anything less from a book that 's part supernatural La Cosa Nostra and part Greek tragedy . Set in the very early 1900 's and proceeding through the start of Prohibition up to a bit after the Crash , the attitudes and lawlessness fit the era perfectly . Near the end of Lash we see how the fall from affluence to desperation drove many , especially women . There are memorable characters throughout Lash . Mara , a human and his first love . Jasmine , the were - snake who teaches Lash about relations between the sexes , and one of my favorite female characters . Jasmine is worldly , wise , just a tad weary , and loves Lash though he doesn 't love her . Jasmine is a true friend during a time and in a place where true friends are a rare commodity . The vampires , Abraham , his boss , the brothers Devlin and Danial , and many others that you need to meet and decide on for yourself . Lash himself is a dichotomy . He 's a stone cold killer , having killed two men before he was sixteen ; he 's also endearingly naïve , especially when it comes to women and relationships . For all his cold - blooded ruthlessness he 's one of the most self - sacrificial protagonists I 've encountered . Family , their protection and love of them , is a responsibility Lash seriously takes to heart . That dedication to his family is exactly what brought him to where he is . Lash wants the picket fence but only finds betrayal and hurt . Even though love eludes him he has true friends who help ease the ache , once he realizes the treasure he does hold . The were - snake didn 't bother me like I was afraid it might . He doesn 't lose himself or his mental abilities when he changes and that makes a difference . The way it 's handled and put forth makes it more palatable also . Lash is an excellent anti - hero and I look forward to joining him again in Shadow Man . I want him to get his picket fence . Emma 's loved Max for years , but to him she was invisible . Now she 's in business - and out of her shell . Max returns home to become the Halle Pride & rsq . . . Eli Gallager 's got the world by the short and curlies . Top salesperson for the hippest technology company on the planet , starlets pursue him , directors court him , the rich and powerful befriend him . Then his boss hires the animation talent of t . . . |
Specially for Englishtips . org Daniel Funkner [ email protected ] White Fang Introduction He learned only about hate . Nobody gave him love , so he did not learn about that . A young wolf , White Fang , is born near the Mackenzie River , in north - west Canada , in about 1893 . One day he meets some Indians and they take him and his mother to their camp . They know his mother because she is half - dog . White Fang begins to learn the ways of men - and of other dogs . The dogs hate him , so he hates them . He learns to fight and to kill . It is a hard life , but will it change ? Can White Fang learn to love ? When Jack London wrote White Fang in 1906 , he was a famous writer . In 1903 his book The Call of the Wild ( also a Penguin Reader ) told the story of a dog , Buck . Buck has an easy life in sunny California , but then he goes to the Klondike in the cold north . Here he has to work , and to fight . American readers loved the story . Wolves were very important to London . They were strong and wild , and they fought hard . He liked this in animals - and people . Jack London was born in 1876 in San Francisco . His family had little money and he left school at fourteen . In the summer of 1897 he went to the Klondike . The trip was difficult and dangerous , and he had to stay there for the winter . He enjoyed the hard life and the strong people . Later , he wrote about the place in many of his books and stories . After White Fang , London wrote thirty - two other books . He visited Australia , and had a farm in California . He died in 1916 . Chapter 1 The Gray Cub The two wolves moved slowly down the Mackenzie River . Often they left it and looked for food by the smaller rivers . But they always went back to the large river . The she - wolf looked everywhere for a home , and then one day she found it . It was a cave near a small river . She looked inside it very carefully . It was warm and dry so she lay down . The he - wolf was hungry . He lay down inside the cave but he did not sleep well . He could hear the sound of water and he could see the April sun on the snow . Under the snow , and in the trees , there was new life . The he - wolf left the cave and followed the ice bed of the small river . He wanted food . But eight hours later he came back , hungrier than before . In the wet snow he was slow and could not catch anything . Strange sounds came from inside the cave . When he looked inside , the she - wolf snarled at him . He moved away and slept at the mouth of the cave . The next morning he saw five strange little animals next to the she - wolf . They made weak little noises but their eyes were not open . He left the cave quickly . He had to find food for the she - wolf . This time , when he took meat back to her , she did not snarl at him . Four of the cubs were red , but one was gray . This gray cub was a fighter . He fought his brothers - and sisters more than they fought him . He always wanted to leave the cave and his mother had to stop him . Then , after a time , there was no food . His father did not bring them any meat , and his mother had no milk . The cubs cried , but then they slept . When the gray cub felt strorig again , he only had one sister . The other cubs were dead . His sister slept all the time . Then the fire of life in her died too . Later , the cub 's father died . The she - wolf knew this because she found his body in the woods . Near his dead body lived a large wildcat . The she - wolf found the wildcat 's cave , but she did not go inside it . The wildcat was in there , with her babies , and she was dangerous . One day , the cub left the cave and began to walk . He hurt his feet and he ran into things . He often fell , but he learned quickly . In the woods he found a very young , thin , yellow animal . He turned it over with his foot and it made a strange noise . Suddenly , its mother jumped on him and bit his neck . Then she took her baby into the trees . The cub sat down and made weak little noises . He was there when the mother animal came back . He saw her long thin body and long thin head . She came nearer and nearer and then she bit his neck again . He snarled and tried to fight . But the mother animal fought hard . She wanted to kill him . Suddenly , the she - wolf ran through the trees and caught the mother animal between her teeth . Her mouth closed on the long yellow body . Then she and the cub ate the animal . After that , the cub went out every day and killed for food . Then one day the she - wolf brought home a baby wildcat . The cub ate it and fell asleep in the cave next to his mother . He woke when she snarled loudly . The mother wildcat was at the mouth of the cave . She snarled angrily and the hair on the cub 's back stood up . Because the mouth of the cave was small , the wildcat had to come in on her stomach . She and the she - wolf fought hard . The cub fought too and bit the wildcat 's leg . She hit him hard but he did not stop fighting . In the end , he and his mother killed the wildcat . But after the she did not move . For a week she only left the cave for water . But at the end of the week she could look for meat again . For some time the cub could not walk very well , but then he began to look for meat with his mother . He was not afraid of small animals now . He could fight with his mother and kill a large animal . He liked killing other animals . He also liked eating , running , fighting , and sleeping . He liked the life in his body . He was happy in his world . Chapter 2 White Fang The cub ran to the small river . He was heavy with sleep and he wanted to drink . He did not look around him carefully . Suddenly , he saw them under the trees . Five big animals sat in front of him . They did not snarl or show their teeth . They looked at him and did not move . They were dangerous , but the gray cub could not move . He felt very weak and small next to them . One of them got up and came to him . When he put his hand near the cub , the cub 's hair stood up . He showed his little fangs . The man laughed and said : " Wabam wabisca ip pit tah " ( " Look ! The white fangs ! " ) The other men laughed loudly . The first man put his hand near the cub again . This time the cub bit it . The man hit him on the head . The cub fell and then cried . The men laughed again . Then the cub heard something . The Indians heard it too . The cub 's mother ran to him and snarled loudly at the men . " Kiche ! " said one of the men . " Kiche ! " The cub 's mother stopped snarling and lay down on the ground . Why ? The cub did not understand . His mother fought everything ! The man came to her . He put his hand on her head , but she did not bite him ! The other men put their hands on her head and she did not bite them . The men made noises with their mouths . " It is not strange , " one man said . " Her father was a wolf and her mother was a dog . " " She ran away last year , Gray Beaver . Do you remember ? " said a second man . " Yes . She ran to the wolves because we could find no meat for the dogs . " He put his hand on the cub . The cub snarled and the hand quickly hit him . The cub closed his mouth . Then the man stroked the cub 's back and behind his ears . " His father is a wolf , " said the man . " His fangs are white , so his name will be White Fang . He is my dog because Kiche was my dead brother 's dog . " The men made more mouth noises . Then Gray Beaver cut some wood from a tree . He tied Kiche to it with some leather . Then he tied the stick to a small tree . After a time , about forty men , women , and children and many dogs came through the trees . The people and dogs carried heavy bags . A small boy took Kiche 's stick and walked away with her . White Fang followed her . They walked by the small river for a time . Then they came to the large Mackenzie Paver and the Indians made their camp next to it . White Fang walked around the camp and looked at everything . A young dog walked slowly to him . This dog , Liplip , did not like other dogs , and he bit White Fang badly . White Fang Fang again and again , so White Fang ran back to his niother . This was the first of many fights with Lip - lip . Five minutes later , White Fang left Kiche and looked around the camp again . He saw Gray Beaver and went to him . Gray Beaver sat on the ground near a lot of sticks . Women and children brought Gray Beaver more sticks . Then a strange thing came up from the sticks on the ground . It was the color of the sun . White Fang went near it , and suddenly his nose hurt . He jumped away fast and cried . Gray Beaver and the others laughed loudly . White Fang ran back to his mother and lay down next to her . His nose hurt and he wanted to go back to the woods . He watched the men in the camp . They were large and strong , and they made fire ! They were gods to him . One of the Indians , Three Eagles , planned a trip up the Mackenzie River . Before he left , Gray Beaver gave him Kiche . So one morning , Three Eagles took Kiche onto his boat . The boat started to move up the river . White Fang jumped into the water and swam after it . He did not listen to the angry shouts of Gray Beaver . He wanted his mother . Gray Beaver followed him in his boat . He caught White Fang 's neck and pulled him angrily out of the water . He hit him hard , again and again . White Fang snarled at him angrily . Gray Beaver hit him faster and harder . Then White Fang felt very afraid . He topped snarling . Gray Beaver stopped hitting him . He threw him into the bottom of the boat and kicked him hard . White Fang suddenly kit angry again and bit Gray Beaver 's foot . This time Gray Beaver was really angry . He hit White Fang very hard for a long time . Again , he threw him to the bottom of boat and again he kicked him angrily . This time White Fang did not bite him . Later , in the night , White Fang remembered his mother and felt sad . He cried loudly , and Gray Beaver hit him again . After that he only cried quietly when the gods were near . But sometimes in the woods he cried loudly again . He stayed in the camp and waited for his mother . He was not too sad . Life in the camp was interesting because the gods did many strange things . But the young dog Lip - lip hated him and often started fights with him . The other young dogs followed Lip - lip and started fights with White Fang too . These fights taught him some important lessons . He learned to stay on his feet in a fight . He also learned to hurt a dog very badly in a very short time . He learned to push the dog off his feet and to bite his neck . He learned these lessons because he wanted to live . He had to be faster , more intelligent , and more dangerous than the other dogs . One day , he killed a dog in a fight . The Indians saw him and were angry with him . After that , they did not want him near them . They shouted at him angrily when they saw him . This life turned White Fang into a very angry , dangerous animal . He learned only about hate . Nobody gave him any love , so he did not learn about that . Chapter 3Trip up the Mackenzie In the fall the Indians put everything from the camp into bags . Then they put the bags into their , boats . Some of the boats left and White Fang understood . He ran out of the camp and through a small river . Then he tound a place in the woods and went to sleep . He woke when he feard Gray Beaver . Gray Beaver called his name again and again , hen he stopped calling and went back to the camp . White Fang played in the woods for a time , but then he suddenly felt afraid . The woods were dark and cold , and the trees made loud noises . He ran back to the camp , but there was nobody there . He sat down and looked up at the sky . He cried j sadly to the large night sky . In the morning he began to run by the river . All day he ran . Sometimes he had to climb high mountains behind the river . Sometimes he had to swim across other , smaller rivers . He always followed the large river on its way . AH the time he looked for the gods . He ran all night and the next day . He felt weak and hungry and his feet hurt badly . Snow began to fall and he could not find j his way easily . Then night fell and the snow came down more j heavily . Then he smelled the gods through the snow on the ground . He left the river and went into the trees . He heard the sounds of the gods and saw Gray Beaver near a fire . He felt afraid but he walked slowly into the firelight . Gra } Beaver saw him and looked at him . White Fang went to him anc waited . But Gray Beaver did not hit him . He gave him some meat ! White Fang carefully smelled it and then ate it . He sat at Gray Beaver 's feet and looked at the fire . He felt warm and happy | This was his place . Some months later , in the middle of December , Gray Beavef went up the Macken / ie River . His son Mit - sah and his wife ! Kloo - klooch went with him . They took two sleds . Mit - sah 's sledj was smaller and lighter than Gray Beaver 's , but it carried a lot of food . Gray Beaver and Mit - sah tied White Fang and six other dogs j to Mit - sah 's sled . Lip - lip ran at the front . All day the other dogs I ran behind him . They wanted to catch him , but they could not . Because of this they hated him . In the camp Lip - lip had to stay near the gods because the other dogs hated him . He was not the most important dog now . At one village , White Fang learned something new . One day a boy cut some meat and some of it fell on the ground . White Fang ate it . The boy ran after him and tried to hit him with a heavy stick . White Fang was very angry . He bit the boy 's hand hard . The boy 's family came to Gray Beaver but he spoke angrily to them . He did not hit White Fang . Later that day , some boys from the village began to hit Mit - sah in the woods . White Fang ran angrily to them and they ran away . When Mit - sah told this story in the camp , Gray Beaver gave White Fang a lot of meat . White Fang understood . There were ! different gods . There were his gods , and there were other gods . His gods were the most important . They arrived in Gray Beaver 's village in April . White Fang was now a year old . He was tall and thin , and his coat was wolf - gray . He walked through the village and saw the gods and dogs from the summer . He was not afraid of the older dogs . He could fight them and win . In the summer , he saw Kiche outside the village . He stopped and looked at her . He remembered her , but she did not remember him . He ran to her happily , but she bit him in the face . He ran away from her . He did not understand . Kiche now had new cubs , so she could not remember her older ones . One of her new cubs came to White Fang . White Fang smelled him and Kiche jumped on him angrily . She bit his face a second time . Then White Fang left . This was a she - wolf and he could not fight her . In the third year of White Fang 's life , there was no food on the Mackenzie for a long time . In the summer , the Indians could not find any fish and in the winter they could not find any wild animals . They ate their leather shoes , and the dogs . The old and weak gods died and the other gods cried all the time . Some of the most intelligent dogs understood , and they went into the woods for food . There , the wolves ate them . White Fang also went into the woods . For months he was very hungry , but he always killed something . Other animals wanted to kill him , but he could run faster than them . Early in the summer , he met Lip - lip in the woods . He was not hungry , but he snarled at Lip - lip . He pushed him to the ground and bit his neck hard . That was the end of Lip - lip . One day , White Fang came to the end of the woods . In front of him he saw the Mackenzie and a village . It was the old vfflage , but it was now in a new place . He left the woods and went to the village . Gray Beaver was not there , but Kloo - kooh gave him a fish . He felt happy because he was with the gods again . Chapter 4 The Killer of Dogs When White Fang was almost five years old , Gray Beaver took him on a second trip . This time they went down the Mackenzie , across the mountains and down the Porcupine River to the Yukon River . They stopped in many villages , and in each village White Fang fought the dogs . The dogs often died because they fought in a different way from White Fang . White Fang liked fighting very quickly . He hated being very near another animal because it felt dangerous . He had to feel free , 50 he finished his fights very fast . Usually , he won his fights cause the village dogs were slower . Sometimes a dog hurt him У ' but these times were accidents . Usually , he was too fast for them . In the summer , Gray Beaver and White Fang arrived at Fort Yukon . It was 1898 , and there were thousands of people in th town . These people planned to go up the Yukon to the Klondik because they wanted to find gold . In Fort Yukon , White Fang saw white gods for the first time . У small number of them lived in the town , and other men cam from the boats . These boats stopped in the town two or thre times a week . He was very afraid of the white gods because they wer stronger than the Indians . But he was not afraid of their dog : They did not fight well . When they ran at him , he jumped awa1 Then he pushed them to the ground and bit them in the neck . ' was easy . Sometimes a dog did not get up after a fight with White Fang Then White Fang left him to the Indian dogs . They jumped о him and killed him . White Fang never killed a white god 's do \ He was too intelligent . The white gods were always angry whe their dogs died in a fight . They hit the Indian dogs hard wit sticks . White Fang started these fights easily . When the strange doi left the boat , he went to them . They were afraid of him becau : he was wild . He was dangerous to them and to their gods so th < wanted to fight him . After two or three of these fights , the white gods always toe their dogs back to their boat . That was the end of the game wi the dogs from that boat . After a time , these fights were the only thing in White Fan ] life . Gray Beaver had no work for him because he was too bui He sold leather shoes to the white gods and he was now rich . White Fang liked the fights , but he was not happy . He did n love an animal or a god , because no animal or god loved hii Everybody hated him . The white men in Fort Yukon did not like the white men from the boats . These men were from the south , and were weak . The men from Fort Yukon liked the dog fights because the weak men 's dogs died . One man liked the fights more than the other men . He watched each fight . Sometimes when a Southland dog died , he j shouted happily . He wanted very much to buy White Fang . This man 's name was Beauty Smith . His name was " Beauty " I because he was very ugly and small . He had large yellow teeth and dirty yellow eyes . The thin hair on his head and face was also j dirty yellow . He tried to make friends with White Fang but White Fangl hated him . He always showed his teeth to him and moved away . I Then Beauty Smith visited Gray Beaver in his camp . Beauty ! Smith and Gray Beaver talked for along time . Gray Beaver did ! not want to sell White Fang . White Fang was his strongest dog . J But Beauty Smith knew Gray Beaver . He visited him often . Each ! time he took a black bottle with him , under his coat . Gray BeaverJ began to want more and more bottles . In a short time all hisj money went on them . Then Beauty Smith talked to him again about White Fang . He wanted to pay for White Fang in bottles . J not dollars . This time Gray Beaver listened . " You catch him , you take him , " he said . After two days , Beauty Smith told Gray Beaver , " You catch him . ' That evening , White Fang came quietly into the camp . The bad white god was not there . Gray Beaver came over to him ancj tied some leather round his neck . He sat down next to Whit Fang and drank from his bottle . After an hour , Beauty Smith walked into the camp . He stood ! over White Fang . White Fang snarled up at him . A hand moved down to his head . Suddenly , White Fang tried to bite it . The ^ hand jumped back . Gray Beaver hit White Fang on the head . Beauty Smith went away and came back with a large stick . Gray Beaver gave him the leather and Beauty Smith walked away I from White Fang . The leather pulled at White Fang 's neck but he ' did not move . Then he suddenly jumped at the bad god . Beauty Smith did not move away . He hit White Fang hard with his stick . White Fang fell to the ground . Beauty Smith pulled the leather again , and this time White Fang followed him . In the town , Beauty Smith tied him with the leather and went to bed . White Fang waited an hour . Then he began to bite the leather . When he was free he went back to Gray Beaver . In the morning , Gray Beaver gave him to Beauty Smith again . Beauty Smith hit him very hard with the stick . He enjoyed hurting him . Then he took White Fang to the town again . This time he tied him with a stick . In the night , White Fang began to bite the stick . I After many hours , he bit through it and was free . He went back ! to Gray Beaver . He could not leave him . Beauty Smith came for him again the next morning . He hitl him harder than before . When he finished , White Fang was very ! sick . He could not see and he could not walk easily . He followed ] Beauty Smith back to the town . Gray Beaver said nothing to Beauty Smith because White 1 Fang was not his dog now . After a short time , he left Fort Yukon for the Mackenzie . Chapter 5 The Great Fight When the first snows began to fall , Beauty Smith took White Fang on a boat up the Yukon to Dawson . He called White Fang " The Killer Wolf " and showed him to people for money . When White Fang slept , people woke him with a stick . They wanted to see an angry wolf . White rang was very angry , tie hated every angry and everybody . He hated Beauty Smith because he hurt him all the time . Beauty Smith wanted an angry wolf because he wanted a fighter . Sometimes , at night , Beauty Smith took White Fang into the woods outside the town . In the morning , a lot of people and a dog arrived . White Fang fought the dog . Usually , he killed him . He was a better fighter than the other dogs . After a time , the fights stopped because Beauty Smith could not find dogs for them . Then , in the spring , he suddenly took him to a fight . It was a fight with a very strange dog . This dog was short and heavy . The people shouted to him , " Go to him , Cherokee ! Eat him ! " But Cherokee did not really want to fight . Then a man began to stroke the dog 's body from its bottom to its head . Suddenly , Cherokee felt angry and he began to run to White Fang . White Fang quickly jumped on him and bit him behind his ear . The dog did not snarl . He turned and followed White Fang . Again and again White Fang jumped on Cherokee and bit him . Again and again Cherokee followed him . He planned to do something , but what ? White Fang could not understand him . And he could not bite his neck below his head . Cherokee was too short , and his head was too large . Again and again White Fang tried to push Cherokee onto the ground , but Cherokee was too short and heavy . Then White Fang pushed too hard and fell to the ground . Cherokee bit into his neck . White Fang jumped up and ran . Cherokee 's teeth stayed in his neck . White Fang hated this . He hated being near the other dog . He ran around and around . He only stopped when he was tired . Cherokee pushed him ° nto his back and sat on top of him . His teeth did not leave White Fang 's neck . Slowly , he moved his teeth up White Fang 's neck . Beauty Smith began to kick White Fang angrily . Suddenly , a tall young man pushed his way through the people to Beauty Smith . He was very angry and his gray eyes were cold . He hit Beauty Smith in the face . Beauty Smith fell to the ground . " Matt , come here , " the young man called . A shorter , older man went to him and they tried to pull Cherokee off White Fang . " You can 't pull him off , Scott , " said Matt . " We have to open * F his mouth . " Scott took out his gun and pushed it between Cherokee 's teeth . Then he slowly opened the dog 's mouth and Matt pulled White Fang 's neck out from the dog 's teeth . White Fang tried to get up , but his legs were too weak . He fell back into the snow . Beauty Smith got up slowly and came to him . He looked him . " Matt , how much does a good sled - dog cost ? " Scott asked . " Three hundred dollars . " " And how much for this dog now ? " " Half of that . " Scott turned to Beauty Smith . " Did you hear that ? I 'm going to take your dog , and I 'm going to give you a hundred and fifty dollars for him . " He took out the money . " I 'm not selling , " said Beauty Smith . " Oh yes , you are , " said Scott . " Because I 'm buying . Here 's your money . " Beauty Smith put his hands behind him and moved away . Scott ran after him . " Take the money or I 'll hit you again , " he said . " All right , " Beauty Smith said quickly . " But I 'm going to tell I the police in Dawson . " " Then you 'll have to leave town . Do you understand ? " " Yes , " answered Beauty Smith and moved away . Scott turned his back on him and went to White Fang . Chapter 6 Love Begins Weedon Scott sat outside his small house in the woods and ] looked at White Fang . White Fang snarled angrily at Matt 's sled ? dogs . " He 's a wolf , and we can 't change him , " Scott said to Matt . " Wolf or dog , he can pull a sled , " said Matt . " Look at these ! lines on his back . " " Can he be a sled - dog again ? " Scott asked . He was interested in this idea . " Maybe . Let 's see . Untie him . " Scott looked at him . " You untie him ! " he said . So Matt took a heavy stick and went to White Fang . He untied him . White Fang slowly walked away from him . He couldjj not understand these gods . They did not hit him . Scott went into the house and came out with some meat . He threw it to White Fang . White Fang jumped away from it and looked at it . One of Matt 's dogs jumped for the meat . Then White Fang jumped on him and bit him . The dog fell to the ground . Matt rat - to him , but he was too late . The dog quickly died . " We 'll have to kill him , " Scott said . " Don 't kill him now , Mr . Scott , " Matt answered . " Maybe he 'll change . " " I don 't want to kill him , " Scott said . " I want to be nice to him . " He walked to White Fang and started to talk to him quietly . He moved his hand near White Fang . Suddenly , White Fang bit it Scott cried out and White Fang moved away . Matt ran into the house and came out with a gun . White Fang began to snarl loudly at him . " Don 't kill him ! He knows that guns are dangerous ! " Scott said . " He 's very intelligent . " " All right , " Matt said . He put the gun down and White Fang stopped snarling . " You 're right , Mr . Scott . He knows that a gun can kill , " he said . The next day , Scott sat outside the house . White Fang watched him . Scott began to speak . White Fang snarled , but Scott did not move . He spoke quietly for a long time . White Fang stopped snarling and listened to the sound of the god . After a long time , the god got up and went into the house . When he came out , he sat down in the same place . He had some meat in his hand . White Fang 's ears stood up and he looked at the meat . It was good meat , but he did not go near it . He was afraid of the god . Then the god threw the meat on the snow at White Fang 's feet . He smelled it carefully but he did not look at it . He watched the god . Nothing happened . The god did not get up , and he did not hit him . White Fang took the meat and ate it . The god showed him some more meat in his hand , and again White Fang did not go to him . Again the god threw it to him in the snow . The god repeated this a number of times . But then he did not throw the meat to him . He only showed it to him in his hand . The meat was good , and White Fang was hungry . Slowly , he went near the hand and then he took the meat from it . His eyes never left the god 's face , and the hair on his neck stood up . He ate the meat , but nothing happened . He waited . The god talked again , quietly and warmly . Then he put his hand lightly on White Fang 's head . White Fang felt very afraid , but he also felt happy . He hated the hand , but he liked the warm sound of the words . He snarled , but he did not bite the hand . The god stroked White Fang 's head lightly again and again . White Fang began to like it . In this way , White Fang 's old life ended , and his new life began . Slowly , he learned new lessons and forgot old ones . He did not run away , because he liked this god . Then he began to really love him . Without him , he was very sad . In the early morning , he did not run in the woods , but waited for the man outside the house for hours . At night , when the man came home , White Fang left his warm place under the snow . He wanted to see and hear the god . He wanted to be with him . White Fang did not show his love openly . He never ran to the god . Only his eyes showed his love . In the late spring , the man suddenly went away . White Fang waited all night for him outside the house , but he did not come . Days came and went . The man did not come back . White Fang was sick for the first time in his life . Matt brought him inside the house . He wrote to Scott : " The wolf can 't work or eat . He wants you . He 's going to die without you . " Then , one evening , White Fang suddenly made a quiet noise and got up . His ears stood up and he listened hard . The door opened and Weedon Scott came in . He spoke to Matt and then looked around the room . " Where 's the wolf ? " he asked . Then he saw him near the fire . He called him and White Fang came to him quickly . A strange light shone in his eyes . He never looked at me that way , " said Matt . Scott did not hear him . He was face to face with White Fang . He stroked him , again and again , behind his ears , on his back . White Fang felt a very strong love for him and suddenly he pushed his head between Scott 's arm and body . It stayed there for a long time . Scott looked at Matt . His eyes shone . " I knew it ! This wolf is a dog . Look at him ! " said Matt . White Fang felt better because he was happy again . A day later he left the house and went outside . The sled - dogs jumped on him and he fought them happily . He was well and strong and there was life in him again ! Chapter 7 The Southland " Listen to that ! " said Matt at dinner one night . Through the door came a quiet , sad noise . " That wolf knows that you 're leaving , " said Matt . " What can I do with a wolf in California ? " asked Scott . A second sad noise came through the door . " How does he know that you 're going ? " asked Matt . " I don 't know , " answered Scott , sadly . One morning , White Fang saw Scott 's open bags on the floor of the house . Scott and Matt came and went all day . Sometimes Scott put things in the bags . White Fang could not eat . That night he criedloudly outside the house . The next day he felt very afraid . He followed Scott everywhere . Two Indians arrived and took Scott 's bags . Scott came to the door of the house and called White Fang inside . He stroked white Fang behind his ears and spoke to him sadly . I m sorry , " he said . " I 'm going a long way , and you can 't come with me . " White Fang pushed his head between Scott 's arm and body . From the river came the sound of a boat . Matt and Scott got up and left the house quickly . They shut the front door and the back door , and they went down to the river . " Be good to him , Matt , " said Scott . " Write and tell me about him . " " I will , " said Matt . " Listen to him ! " White Fang cried loudly in the house behind them . On the boat the two men said goodbye . Suddenly , Matt saw ' White Fang ! He was on the boat ! The two men went to him and they found cuts on his face 1 and body . " We forgot the window . He jumped through it ! " said Matt . Scott thought quickly . " Goodbye , Matt , old man . About the wolf - don 't write . I - " " What ! You mean - ? " " Yes ! write to you about him ! " Later , when White Fang arrived in San Francisco , he felt very afraid . There were a lot of people , and he could not look at them . The noise in the streets hurt his ears and the houses were very large . He stayed near his god all the time . The god took him to a small room and left him there for a1 long time . The room was full of bags . When the god came back , they left the city . They were in quiet country now . A man and a woman came to his god , and the woman put her arms around his neck . She wanted to fight him ! White Fang jumped at her and snarled angrily . His god stopped him . " It 's all right , Mother , " Scott said . " He 'll learn . " The woman laughed , but her face was white . She was afraid . Scott spoke quietly to White Fang , and then more loudly : " Down ! Down ! " White Fang lay down . Scott put his arms around his mother , and watched White Fang " Down ! Down ! " he repeated . I White Fang watched them . This time he did not jump up at the woman . | The gods got into a carriage and drove away . White Fang ran behind them . After fifteen minutes the carriage turned into a small road between two lines of trees . Suddenly , a dog stood between White Fang and the carriage . Its eyes shone angrily . White Fang ran to it but stopped . He could not fight it because it was a she - dog . She was afraid of him so she jumped at him . She bit him , but he did not hurt her . He tried to move around her but she stopped him . " Here , Collie ! " called the strange god in the carriage . Weedon Scott laughed . " It 's all right , Father . White Fang will have to learn many things . He can start learning now . " The carriage drove away , but Collie did not move . White Fang ran around her and she followed quickly . Suddenly , he turned and pushed her to the ground . Then he ran after the carriage . She followed but she could not catch him . The carriage stopped at a large house . When White Fang came to the house , a large dog suddenly ran to him very fast . It pushed J him to the ground . White Fang jumped up and almost bit the dog 's neck . But then Collie angrily jumped on him . Again White Fang fell to the ground . His god came and stroked White Fang . Another god called the other dogs to him . Under his god 's hand White Fang felt better . The carriage left and more strange gods came out of the house . Two of them put their arms around his god 's neck , but White Fang did not move . The gods walked into the house . White Fang followed " Take Collie inside and leave Dick and your dog outside . They 'll fight and then they 'll be friends , " said Scott 's father . " Dick 'll be dead in two minutes ! " answered Scott . " The wolf will have to come inside . " Chapter 8 The God 's Home White Fang learned quickly about life at Sierra Vista , Scott 's home . He was not friendly with the other dogs , but he did not fight them . Dick wanted to be friends , but White Fang always snarled at him . In the end , Dick did not come near him . Collie always wanted to fight him because he was a wolf . When White Fang saw her , he turned away . When she bit him , he walked away slowly and carefully . He learned about his god 's family . There was his mother , his father , his wife , his two sisters , and his two children , Weedon and Maud . White Fang did not like children , because they always hurt him . But these children were very important to his god , so he did not snarl at them . After a time , he began to like them . He did not go to them , but he waited for them . When they left him , he was sad . After the children , White Fang liked his god 's father best , when he read the newspaper , White Fang sat at his feet . Sometimes Scott 's father looked at him and said something . But white Fang only sat with him when his god was not there . When " и god was there , White Fang was not interested in the other gods . He never looked at them with love , and he never put his head between their arm and body . He only did this with his god . ^ ne morning , White Fang found a chicken outside the chicken house . He killed it and ate it . It was fat and good , and i ' ite Fang wanted more . Later in the day , he saw a second chicken outside the chicken house . This time a man ran and hit White Fang with sorn e leather . At the first cut of the leather , White Fang left the chicken for the man . He jumped for his neck . The man put his arm over his neck and White Fang bit his arm . Suddenly , Collie jumped on White Fang . She was very angry . She ran around him again and again and in the end White Fang ran away from her . " He 'll learn about the chickens , " Scott told his father , " but ГЦ have to catch him with them . " Two nights later , White Fang climbed into one of the chicken houses . He killed every chicken in it . In the morning , Scott found him . He put White Fang 's nose next to the dead chickens and spoke to him angrily . He hit him lightly on the neck . Then he took him inside another chicken house . White Fang wanted to kill the chickens , but the god 's words stopped him . He did not kill chickens again . In this way , Scott taught White Fang about life at Sierra Vista . Sometimes Scott hit him lightly . This hurt White Fang very much because of his great love . When Gray Beaver and Beauty Smith hit him , he felt angry . But when Scott hit him he felt very sad . Usually , Scott did not hit him . He spoke to him , and White Fang understood . White Fang learned about life in the town too . There was1 meat in the stores , but he could not eat it . There were cats in some of the houses , and dogs everywhere , but he could not fight them . There were people everywhere , and they often wanted to stroke him . He did not snarl at them . It was not easy , but he , learned the ways of the Southland . On the way to town , three dogs always jumped on him when they saw him . Each time some men in the street shouted at the four dogs because they wanted to watch a fight . One day , they shouted at the dogs and the god stopped the carriage . " Go to them , " he said to White Fang . White Fang looked at him . " Go to them , " he repeated . " Eat them . " White Fang did not wait . He jumped on the dogs , and quickly killed them all . After that the dogs in the town did not jump on him . Chapter 9 Family Life The months came and went . There was a lot of food and no work in the Southland , so White Fang was fatter than in the Northland . Life was not dangerous , and White Fang was not afraid of anything . The only problem in White Fang 's life was Collie . She snarled at him all the time and followed him around the farm . She could not forget the dead chickens . When he looked at a chicken , she was very angry . Then White Fang lay down and closed his eyes . She went away when he did this . The gods were good to him , so he was happy . Sometimes his god laughed at him . White Fang could not be angry with his god , but he had to do something . He tried not to move his face , but his god laughed harder . In the end , White Fang 's mouth opened and his eyes shone with love . He laughed ! He also played with his god . They fought in a friendly way . He snarled at his god , but he never bit him . At the end of the game , the god always put his arms around White Fang 's neck . The god often went out on his horse and White Fang went with him . One day , his god fell from the horse and could not get up . White Fang jumped angrily at the horse 's neck , but his god stopped him . " Home ! Go home ! " he said . White Fang did not want to leave him . He walked away , but then came back . Scott talked to him quietly and White Fang listened carefully . " Go home and tell them , wolf . Go home ! " he repeated . White Fang understood " home " so he ran back to the house . The children ran to him , but he pushed past them . He turned to his god 's wife and took her dress in his teeth . He snarled and snarled . " I hope he isn 't going crazy , " said Scott 's mother . " Maybe it 's too hot for him here . " " He 's trying to speak , I think , " said Beth , Scott 's sister . White Fang snarled again . They all stood up and followed him to Scott . After this , Scott 's family loved him more . In the second winter in the Southland , Collie changed . When she bit him , her teeth did not really hurt . She sometimes wanted to play with him . One day she ran into the woods . White Fang 's god was on his horse . He wanted to leave the farm with White Fang . But White Fang had to follow Collie . He ran with her through the woods for a long way . One night after this , White Fang woke suddenly . He was inside the house , near the front door . He smelled a strange god and heard a strange sound . He made no noise , but got up . He followed the strange god to the bottom of the stairs . The stranger began to climb the stairs . At the top of the stairs was the bedroom of White Fang 's god . White Fang did not snarl - he quietly jumped on the man 's back and bit him . They fell to the floor . White Fang jumped at him again and bit him again . Tables , chairs , and glass fell and broke . The noise woke the family . There were the sounds of a gun and a man 's loud shouts . Then the noise stopped . Weedon and his father came down the stairs . A dead man was on the floor , under the chairs and tables . They turned to White Fang . He was on the floor too . Scott 's father called the doctor . The doctor worked for an hour and a half on White Fang . " He 's very sick , " said the doctor . " I think he 's going to die . " But White Fang was strong and did not die . He slept and slept . In his sleep he lived again the days with his mother , Gray Beaver , and Beauty Smith . Then one day he got up . It was difficult , but he stood up . The gods watched him . " Take him outside , " said the doctor . " He has to walk . " They all followed White Fang outside . He felt very weak . He had to lie down outside the house for a long time . But then he began to walk again , and he started to feel stronger . At the farm he saw Collie . Next to her were six fat little dogs . She snarled , so he did not go near them . His god pushed one little dog next to him . Collie snarled again . White Fang was interested in the little dog and watched him . He put his nose next to the little dog 's nose and washed its face . Then he felt weak again and lay down . The other little dogs ran to him and climbed over him . Their bodies felt strange . But men he closed his eyes and went to sleep in the sun . Dogs have always been mans best friend and there are many reasons that this is true . Dogs are always loyal , offering unconditional love and protection . They make our lives healthier … Complete and submit this assignment by the due date to receive full credit . ( 50 points ) 1 . Choose one of the character sketches you completed previously and conduct further research on … |
Almost through the first week ! It almost seems like it has been more than a week because so much has passed . In one day , I spoke to my husband 3 different times while he was in 3 different countries . Then , the next day I spoke to him twice and he was in 2 different countries . 5 countries in 2 days . . . not too shabby ! LOL ! Today was another good , but uneventful day . Again , we stayed home and didn 't do much . So this will be a quick post ! I am getting things in order for my upcoming photo shoots . I still have not started fully booking again . I have one this Saturday and one the next , then one I am waiting to schedule . But I am trying to do them primarily in my house for the time being . I also finished crocheting some new props , so I am looking forward to using them on my newborn shoot next week ! Tomorrow I think I will go ahead and make the cranberry sauce for Thursday at the Bestie 's ! I got the kitchen clean today , so I am feeling good about that . Hate the thought of dirtying it again ! LOL ! But luckily cranberry sauce is easy clean up ! So is sweet potato casserole , which is the other dish I am doing . Well , it is night night time . Austin is still up jabbering , but I am beyond ready to get my sleep on ! David is at work right now , so of course , as soon as I get to sleep he will wake me up , but that is more than ok with me : ) I don 't ever like to miss an opportunity to chat with him . Thank goodness my kids like to sleep in as much as I do ! LOL ! Highlight of the Day : Can 't use talking to my husband as the highlight of every day , so from now on , we will know that comes first and foremost . But aside from that , Austin has started doing this thing where he tells me or Aiden or his monkey or Scout , " I 'm so glad you 're here " . Well , today I did hit a small rough spot and wasn 't feeling so great , and Austin came up and gave me a hug and said " I 'm so glad you 're here Mommy " . I don 't even know if he really understands what that means , but my heart melted nonetheless . In that moment , nothing could have brought me down ! I love my kiddos so much ! Phew , what a day ! It was pretty long because I didn 't get to really talk to David at all . We talked early this morning ( like 2 or 3 type early ) when he was in one of the airports , then he started messaging me again when he got to his next stop , and I talked to him for a minute , but I literally fell asleep in the middle of a message ! I felt so bad because when I woke up he had already boarded his next flight , and we didn 't know when we were going to be able to talk next , and here I was falling asleep ! Then , we got up this morning , just in time for Aiden 's home visit ! I had set the alarms for 8 : 50 , 8 : 55 , and 9 : 00 . I turned all 3 of them off . . . . When the 9 : 00 one went off I thought " I can sleep til 9 : 30 , Aiden 's appt is at 11 : 30 , that will give me 2 hours , and it 's here at the house so it 's not like we have to go anywhere ! " . Well , 9 : 30 rolled around , and I decided to sleep til 10 , 10 rolled around and I decided to sleep til 10 : 30 , 10 : 30 rolled around and the kids were still sleeping , so I decided on 11 ! Only I shot straight up out of bed at about 10 : 45 because I realized I had forgotten to call the gate to get them in ! Well , Hickam is stupid and doesn 't let the spouses call , and I couldn 't exactly get my husband to call ! So , I called the lady and luckily she was already on base , and was with a spouse who was able to call her husband and have him get the other lady on , so it worked out ! Near disaster averted ! So I got up , got the boys ready and fed , picked up a little bit , and was ready just in time for her to get here . Today was more of a goal setting appointment . They had finished the eval and wanted to discuss the results with me , as well as set our goals for the next 6 months . His levels ranged from 10 - 16 months . So we prioritized the goals based on what we thought was more important . Over the next 30 days , the teacher will go over the evaluation results and the goals we set today , then she will comet to the house twice a week for the next 6 months , unless we can get Aiden caught up before then . In a way I am a little relieved to have help from this program . Obviously this is my first time raising kids , and my family is all on the mainland , so it will be nice to have someone give me ideas on how I can work with the boys on this stuff . And it will benefit our future children as well , because I will have more tools to use . About halfway through our appointment , there was a knock at the door and it was the UPS man ! He was here to deliver my new 32 gig Ipod Touch 4g , which is my Christmas present from my wonderful husband ! Engraved with the words " Merry Christmas 2010 ! ! ! ! ! ! Love David , Austin and Aiden " ! I love it because it has 2 cameras ! One in the front and one in the back ! And it also does HD video and video chat ! In fact , I used it to make a video for David of me and the kids telling him we love him ! I have a feeling that we will definitely get our moneys worth out of it and then some ! Once the appointment was done , Aiden went up for nap and Austin played in the playroom and watched tv . I have also been waiting on a bracelet I had made . It is blue paracord and has a dog tag on it and I had it engraved with " Proudly supporting my Airman so he can support our country " , and it came with a free paracord keychain , and I opted for the yellow Support the troops ribbon . Well , I have been watching the tracking and it said it was delivered today . So I go check the mail and nothing ! ! ! ! So I call the post office , and no one answers . So I just kept hitting redial til I got an answer ! LOL ! Someone hated me ! But I didnt want to take a chance on not getting it , and it takes a while to get it made , so I didn 't want to pay for and wait on another one . Well when I finally got through to someone we realized it had been delivered to my old address . She offered to have someone retrieve it and get it to me in the next day or 2 , but I am impatient , so I went to the old house , knocked on the door , introduced myself , and she went and checked the mail and got it for me : ) So I got both things I was waiting for in 1 day ! How cool is that ? And the bracelet wasn 't supposed to be delivered til tomorrow and FedEx website said my Ipod wasn 't going to get here til Wednesday ! So I really lucked out ! After that , the boys and I ran some errands , came home for dinner , and I played with my ipod while they played with their toys : ) About halfway through dinner I heardWell , it is 2 : 30 and the boys are sound asleep and David is offline at the moment , but he will be back on soon , so I am going to try to catch a little sleep before he gets back on . Since we are 13 hours apart , it is the middle of the day there , so I am sure we will be talking throughout the night , so I will just have to sleep in between . His wifi is in a specific tent , so if he needs to do anything , he has to leave the area with the internet , so thats why it comes in spurts . Anyways , today has been an awesome day , under the circumstances , so I am going to go to sleep and hope tomorrow goes just as well ! Good night ! Highlight of the Day : Definitely has to be every time I got to talk to my husband ! I miss him like crazy , and this deployment will not be easy , but getting to talk to him helps so very much . I am so glad that we live in a time that we have the technology to keep in touch with our loved ones , without having to wait forever for letters to get there ! Posted by Another uneventful day hanging out at home with my boys : ) I did receive some very bad news about someone in my family that I love very much , but I am not going to get into that . It is kind of a family matter , and it is pretty painful for everyone involved . So , suffice it to say , that has had me in a little bit of a funk . But other than that , we pretty much just lounged around today . I think that will probably be a lot of what the next 6 months will look like . I am sure we will get out and do things , but loading up 2 kids that are both still so young and trying to go places isn 't always an easy job by yourself , so we will probably spend a lot of time at home . We need to get back into the swing of going to playgroups . It is 11 and I got both boys down and Austin seems like he is actually going to go to sleep , so I am hoping he will get into a good sleep and we won 't have any nightmares tonight . It got so bad at one point last night , he was completely inconsolable . Even when I picked him up and rocked him he was screaming . It took a long time to get him back to sleep . Then he woke up again and finally I just had to pull him into bed with me and he continued to toss and turn . I think it was 7 or 8 before we actually got to sleep . So it was a very rough night . Tomorrow we have Aiden 's next home visit . This is the part where we will set up a game plan , but I will have a lot of new developments to report when they get here . He is learning new words and seems to be catching up , so I really think he is just kind of going at his own pace . I still need to get him in for the hearing test at Tripler , but the thought of it already has me stressed . . . lol . Tripler is not my favorite place in the world . I have been finishing more and more crochet props , so I am hoping to start getting some of those sold soon and I booked a photo shoot for next Saturday . I am scheduling a few more outdoor sessions with people I had already had plans to do shoots for , but beyond that , I am going to try to start doing mostly indoor shoots . I have reI spent a lot of the day looking up care package ideas for David 's packages , and also stuff that I can do for my adopted soldier , so I found some things that I am dying to get started on ! So I will probably start those in the next day or two : ) Like I said , though , other than that not too much going on . I got to spend some time talking to David but I don 't foresee too much time to talk in the near future , but we will see what happens . The truth is , neither of us have any clue what to expect , but not talking to him will be hard . But working on the items for his care package will make me feel closer to him , and I wear his dog tags 24 / 7 and that helps too because I know he is wearing his other set . I am happy to say , I don 't think Hell Week will apply as much this time around . Today was the first full day without David and it has been easier than last time . Granted , a big part of that is that he was in a hotel so we were on video chat almost all day . The hard part will start when we are not in as close contact . The boys are still doing fine , but Austin has resumed the habit of sleeping in the playpen in my room . Part of me knows that it is a bad idea to continue the habit , but the other part of me is being selfish because having him in here comforts me too . Maybe tomorrow night I will put him back in his room , but for tonight , I am glad he is keeping me company , even if he is driving me nuts ! LOL ! We had an uneventful day . We just sat at home . The boys played and I crocheted . They have started little wrestling matches but it is funny because they don 't wrestle aggressively , they do this weird hug wrestle ! They crack me up ! Anyways , since today was so uneventful I am going to keep this post short ! Highlight of the Day : This might seem silly but David and I were chatting and he said to me " I love you so much and I can 't wait to come home ! " I kid you not , I printscreened it and saved it ! My husband will never be accused of being emotional . He is a very logical minded person and does not really see a need for feelings and emotions . . . lol . Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on emotion . I have a strong love for my friends and family and that passion is the driving force in my life . Whereas his is his success and being a provider for his family . I think in a way he has the mindset that it is the job of the wife / mother to be the loving and nurturing person in a family , and it is the man 's job to go to work and make a living to put a roof over their heads and food on the table , and the two " duties " should be kept separate . So he does not express emotion . . . . well . . . . ever really . So those simple words , that might not be any big deal to someone else , were huge for me . I can honestly say I do not ever remember him saJessica DeBerry I have decided to dub this first week as " Hell Week " because in my experience the first week is always the hardest . Granted , this is our first deployment , but not our first separation . Not even close . And the first night is always pure torture , then the first week is the hardest . But during that week , you find your " groove " so to speak . You get into a routine and it makes the next weeks easier and easier . This may not be true for everyone , but this is how it has always been for me . Rewind 1 week and 1 day . Last Thursday my husband returned home . I will never forget Austin 's face when he saw his Daddy ! I let him out of the stroller and we stood together waiting and watching the doors . I told Austin I had a surprise for him , but that boy has a mind like a steel trap . As soon as we pulled into the airport he said " Yay ! Go see Daddy ! " He knew exactly where we were . Anyways , so we sat there and waited for what felt like an eternity . I spotted David first . It took Austin a minute of me pointing because there were so many people around , but the second he spotted him , there would have been no stopping him if I had tried ! LOL ! He was off like a light running across the airport screaming " Daddy Daddy Daddy ! ! ! ! ! " That is one of those moments in a parents life where the whole world stands still and they can just watch their child experience pure joy ! My whole chest tightened up and it was one of the happiest moments in my life to see my amazing little boy light up the way he did ! From that moment on , when I saw David again , it was like he never even left . The first week was so long and hard , but the next 3 weeks literally flew by right before my eyes . Like I said , it was just like he never left . He had to work Friday , so we didn 't really do much , but Saturday we celebrated our Thanksgiving . I cooked Friday night and most of Saturday and I was really happy with how it turned out ! I made my first turkey , which , in my opinion , came out amazing ! ! ! We also had mashed potatoes , sweet potato casserole , devilled eggs , cheddar biscuits ( like the ones at Red Lobster ) , homemade cranberry sauce , green bean casserole , banana pudding , and lemon meringue pie . Everything made from scratch . Oh and stuffing , but that was not from scratch . It came out of a box , but thanks to an awesome friend we shared Thanksgiving with last year , I had a recipe for stuffing that used boxed stuffing , but added ingredients like apple juice and chunks of apples and cranberries . It was a hit so thanks Grace ! ! ! ! I was really happy with how iThe rest of his time home was pretty uneventful though , barring the disaster with his work , but I will get to that later ! Anyways , Sunday we went to the beach for a little while . Then , either Tuesday or Wednesday night ( I know , my memory definitely isn 't what it used to be ! ) , we went to the mall to get the recordable books from Hallmark . We got one about not being scared of anything at bedtime , then one all about " I love you " . The boys LOVE them ! Then we had and awesome meal at Bubba Gump 's Shrimp ! I had steak with loaded potatoes , salad , clam chowder and peel and eat shrimp . David had some sort of fish , and the boys pretty much just wanted stawberries and french fries ! LOL ! Although Aiden was perfectly happy eating anything I would feed him off of my plate ! LOL ! David ended up eating most of my steak and shrimp ! Ha ha ha ! It was a lot of fun . Now back to the disaster . So David was supposed to leave yesterday , and believe me , I am so glad we got one extra day with him , but I think I aged about 10 years in those 2 days ! Wednesday rolled around and he had no orders , no plane tickets , and half the stuff he needed to get done wasn 't . So when Thursday came we didn 't know if he was leaving or staying . We spent the whole day on the edge of our seat waiting for the phone to ring . And everytime it did we jumped ! LOL ! Well , his flight was supposed to leave at 5 something I think , and at 3 or so , David finally called in and found out he wasn 't leaving . Well , we were in the same boat today . Not sure if his orders would come through and he would leave today or if they wouldn 't and he would get to be here for the weekend . It was a very stressful time waiting to find out . But finally , his orders did come through . And boy was it a mess ! He finally found out in the afternoon , then he had to final outprocess from the base at 3 , which meant we didn 't pick up his weapon until 4 . Oh and did I mention his flight was scheduled to leave at 6 ? So we got to the airport at 4 : 30 or so . Had to go through the agriculture check line , so they cI LITERALLY RAN through the airport . People looked at me like I was crazy , but I didn 't care . I was coming up from behind the airline desks , so I didn 't even go stand in line . I found an empty counter went straight to it , explained the situation , and she gave me a gate pass ! I ran back and made it all in about 5 minutes ! So we went through the Gold Lane , went to the gate ( which was ridiculously full ! ) checked David in , then found out the plane was late anyways ! It was now not scheduled to leave until 6 : 35 . So we went and grabbed some Burger King . We got back and ate , then waited for them to start boarding . We sat down and he held me , and again , I broke down . We waited until everyone was boarded , then we made our way to the actual gate . We stood there and held eachother for a long time while I bawled like a baby . Then he said goodbye to the boys , which made me cry that much harder . But the absolute worst part was that when he walked away , as he got to the end of the hall and turned around for one last wave and to blow a kiss , Austin tried to get out of the stroller and was begging him for one more hug . I felt my heart rip into little tiny pieces in that moment . It was devastating . But after that we went over to the window and watched the planes , which fascinated him . We waited until the plane took off , then we left . Naturally , since I was such a wreck when we got to the airport I didn 't even pay attention to which deck we parked in or what level ! So we had to walk around a while to find the van , but luckily I picked the right deck the first time ! I just had to walk the floors til I found it . It 's weird to say this but I think this time the transition will be easier than last time . That isn 't to say that we will miss him any less , but he was gone for a month and we got into a routine . He was only back for a week , so I already see us settling back into the routine we started when he left the first time . In a weird way , it feels normal that it is just the 3 of us because we got used to it when he left the first time . I don 't know if it will be any different for the kids , but for me it is not as hard as last time . The airport was the hardest part . Just letting go and saying goodbye . At the risk of sounding dramatic , it was hard to let him just walk away and get on the plane knowing that he is going to a dangerous place and that if one wrong move is made , that could be the last time I would see him . Like I said , I know that sounds dramatic , and he will probably be just fine , but there are many women that have put their husbands on a plane and expected to see them again in 6 months , and he doesn 't come home . I would rather understand that there is a possibility that could happen and be that much more thankful when he comes home safe and sound , then the alternative , where I do not let myself even consider that possibility and it happens and I had not even tried to prepare myself . Granted , no one can really prepare themselves , but at least I can know that I understood the weight of that moment and did not take it for granted . Well , his first flight landed a while ago , so I am going to go talk to my husband ! Highlight of the Day : It is very hard to think of a highlight on a day like today , but no matter how bad your day is , there is always something good you can pick out of it ! So I would have to say the highlight of my day was definitely waking up to the sight of my husbands face one last time ! And even if he isn 't here now , I am still incredibly lucky to have a husband that I can be so proud of ! He is very brave and is making a lot of sacrifices to go defend our country and as much as it hurts to miss him , my heart is full of pride for the man I am lucky enough to call my husband ! Another bittersweet night . This is the last night before David gets home and I am going nuts with excitement knowing my husband will be home tomorrow . But my heart is breaking at the same time because I know this time next week will be our last night together for a very long time . I feel a lump in my throat , a knot in my stomach and tears forming in my eyes just thinking about it . I thought I was prepared for this , but the closer it gets the more terrified and heartbroken I become . I don 't know how some women do this over and over again . I feel like my heart is being ripped right out of my chest just thinking about it . I have such a wide range of emotions going through me . Excitement to see him , sadness knowing that he will only be here a few days . Long enough for me and the boys to get used to him being home then he will just be gone again . Fear at the prospect of what could happen to him . I hate this with every fiber of my being , but at the same time I know that this is something he has to do and I am very proud of him . It is hard to sort it all out when there are so many feelings all at once . I didn 't cry when he left the first time , perhaps because I knew it would only be for a short time , but if I barely even think about it now I can 't contain the tears . I thought I was ready and I am realizing more and more that there is no possible way to be ready . No amount of mental preparation will take away the pain and the fear . But my goal is to never let him see any of that . When he is home I am going to smile and be happy to have him here and I am not going to waste a single minute or take it for granted . I can cry when he is gone , when he doesn 't have to see it and worrying about me does not have to add to the burdens he is already having to bear . Even now , just writing this , I can 't stop crying . I am supposed to be happy because he is coming home , and don 't get me wrong , I am so happy , but the sooner he gets here the sooner he leaves . And the times you want to cherish the most are always the ones that go by the fJessica DeBerry What a fun day ! We pretty much just hung out for the first part of the day , but then the bestie and her daughter came over for a sleepover so that has been fun ! We had pizza and watched kids movies and crocheted and just had some fun girl time . Austin had a rough time going to sleep but it is 2 and I am in bed now so that is better than we have been doing ! I just have to make it through another day and a half then my wonderful husband will be home ! I can 't wait to see him ! Tomorrow might be ok but Thursday will probably be the longest day of my life ! LOL ! I will be ready to go to the airport 6 hours before it is even time to pick him up , then I will end up sitting around twiddling my thumbs . . . lol ! Well , I am going to head to bed ! Goodnight ! Oh Boy am I in pain ! After a long and exhausting day of cleaning , my house is finished ! I am in a lot of pain but at least the house will be clean when the hubby gets home . I still need to do some laundry and I didn 't do the floors , but I don 't care ! LOL ! I busted my butt and it 's way better than it was when he left . We had unpacked about 20 boxes but hadn 't put all the stuff away , so there was stuff EVERYWHERE ! It wasn 't any worse than when he left , but it hadn 't gotten a whole lot better either . But now it is all picked up so I am relieved . But I am going to keep this short . I am in a lot of pain so I took a dose of nyquil and I am calling it a night . Good night ! ! Aaaahhhh ! Only a few more days ! I am getting so excited ! I miss that man like crazy ! I can 't wait to see the boys face when they see their Daddy ! Well , today was another uneventful day . Tomorrow that will not be the case . I have a friend coming over to watch the boys so I can clean , clean , clean ! Whenever David goes somewhere I always have a cleaning day before he comes home to make sure he comes home to a clean house . I am hoping we will wake up for playgroup too , but Austin is not going down without a fight tonight . Anyways , as always , I am exhausted ! So I am going to get off here , finish up a movie I am watching then hopefully pass out ! ! ! ! ! Exactly 3 weeks have gone by , and in just a few more nights my husband will be laying here in my arms ! I can 't believe it ! I am really starting to get excited ! I have a bunch of things I want to get done before he gets home ! But on the schedule I am keeping it seems hard to get anything done . Austin has been in bed for about 3 hours . He did wake up at one point but I laid with him for a while and he was ok . So far he has stayed in his room tonight ! Hopefully it will stay that way ! But now my schedule is all turned around too , plus I had edits I needed to get done so I am up late , yet again . But at least its not as late as it has been recently ! I really didn 't have too much happen today , so this is going to be another quick one . I am just excited for the next few days to get done and over with so I can see my husband again , even if it is only for a short time . I am ready to have him home ! Well , I am going to get some sleep now ! Goodnight ! Highlight of the day : I put the boys up for nap and it was quiet for a while , but then I heard Aiden upstairs saying hi and I couldn 't figure out why . So I headed up the stairs and imagine my surprise when I see that Austin had climbed over his babygate , opened Aiden 's door , which had been shut , pulled up one of the little chairs from the little play table in Aiden 's room , climed into the crib and was laying down while Aiden sat up and played ! LOL ! Posted by 20 days . . . that seems like it should be a milestone or something . It 's a nice round number . With as quickly as things have been going lately , I can 't believe it has already been 20 days . That first week felt like a month , but the 2 weeks since have felt like just a few days . I just keep holding out hope that that is how the actual deployment will go . It is almost 4 : 30 and I still have not slept yet . This schedule is killer ! However , I got a bunch of edits done from today 's newborn shoot , which was exciting . Other than that , today has been pretty uneventful . I have liked the slower pace of everything . I feel a lot less overwhelmed . Please believe I still have my hands full with the kids and housework and stuff , but that is not as overwhelming as when I was in school and doing a couple shoots a week . So , the slower pace is starting to pay off . We don 't have anything on the agenda for the next 2 days which I am really happy about . It will be nice to just sit back and work on the pics , and relax , as much as one can relax with 2 toddlers . I do have a few errands I probably need to go ahead and take care of , so maybe I will get the kids out of the house for a while and go do some running around . But nothing has to be set in stone , which is nice . Well it is way past my bedtime , yet again , and it is a struggle to keep my eyes open at this point , let alone keep my fingers moving to type ! So I am going to sleep ! Good night ! Highlight of the day : My bestie stopped by and it was great to see her , and I had a blast doing the newborn photos ! It was especially nice because we did it at my house so I didn 't have to lug all of my equipment around ! I think I might start sticking with those for the time being , aside from the family shoots that I already committed to . Posted by Wow ! I can 't believe that this time next week my husband will be home lying in bed with me ! I can 't wait ! Although , we found out today that this trip will be even more bittersweet than we thought . We were planning on having 2 weeks together , but plans have changed and now , by this time in 2 weeks he will be gone for the long haul . We were counting on him having a whole week of leave , then another week where he would be working , but we would still have evenings . And we were going to have Thanksgiving . Now we get none of it . No leave , no Thanksgiving , not even a full week . I cried when he told me . It broke my heart . I know to some that may sound stupid , what is a few extra days right ? But I think it would have made a huge difference . A whole week of no work or anything , just good quality family time . Now we won 't have that . We are still going to do Thanksgiving while he is home though , so at least it will seem like we got to have it together . And do some of the christmas decorating . At least putting up the tree if nothing else . I will be grateful for whatever time that we have together , but this will be a lot harder , to only get him for a few days . Anyways , here it is 1 : 30 in the morning and my oldest son is literally hanging upside down from the side of the playpen . He is inside of it , but he has his legs hanging over the edge and he is just hanging upside down . In other words , he is not asleep . Ergo , neither am I . We had a small disaster because we couldn 't find his monkey , and he refuses to sleep without it ! But after a while of going through every room over and over again we finally found it ! Thank goodness , because if we hadn 't I definitely would not get any sleep ! Although right now he is singing " Wooo hoooo ! And tonight 's gonna be a good good night ! " So I don 't know if sleep is anywhere in my near future anyways . I got more edits done today and I have a newborn shoot tomorrow . I have a few family photo shoots that I had already committed too before David left , but I might just stop doing the outdoor ones while David is gone and stick to indoor shoots like newborn or maternity . That way I am not spending as much in child care and I don 't have to leave the kids . I don 't know for sure yet , we will just see how things play out . I just don 't want to bite off more than I can chew . I have my hands full enough with my household duties as it is . . . lol ! I am exhausted , and Austin is at least quieting down a little bit so maybe if I turn off the tv I can get him to go to sleep ! Goodnight ! ! ! Highlight of the Day : I was trying to feed Austin and asked him if he wanted a bite and he said " No Mommy , I 'm a robot ! " LOL ! I have no clue where he even got that from but I about died laughing ! Down to about 7 days until my husband is home ! I am so excited and so amazed at how quickly the last 2 weeks seem to have passed . The first week was pure torture , but the last two , and especially this one seems to be flying right on by . I feel bad because we skipped playgroup for the first time this morning . Austin had a very rough night last night so we were up pretty late . When my alarm went of this morning , I looked over at him sleeping and I just didn 't have the heart to wake him . Besides , on days that he is super tired at playgroup , it he ends up being fussy and then it is no fun for anyone . So , while I missed having that time today , it was probably for the best . Other than that , I had a dr appt at Tripler today , for the second day in a row , and both days I have found parking spots immediately , which was nice . Of course , I had to park at the very bottom of the parking lot , but I would rather walk a little ways than drive around for 20 minutes looking for a better spot . And after my 4th time to this particular dr , I can finally say I found my way without getting lost or needing directions ! I never thought I would see the day that would happen ! Of course , then finding the pharmacy was a whole different story ! LOL ! The past couple of days David and I have started really talking about some things . One thing that we know needs work in our marriage is our communication . We communicate and interpret things in very different ways and sometimes it causes us to butt heads . We have found that to be particularly challenging this separation . When he has gone places in the past , we have always been very in sync and our communication was spot on , in fact , at times , it was better than it is when we are standing face to face . I don 't know what has been different this time , but this deployment will be the longest separation we have faced , aside from when we first got married . Communication is going to be key in making this as smooth as possible for both of us . When emails and phone calls are the only connection that you have to the love of your life , the last thing you want to do is spend the time on the phone or internet bickering about stupid things that really don 't even matter in the grand scheme of things . So we have made the decision to work on our communication skills together to make sure that we both feel like we can approach the other and know that we will be heard and respected . We faced our first real step in that today and I was very proud and relieved that we did . I needed to talk to him about something but was afraid to because I was worried about how he would react . I knew it was a controversial issue for us , and I was worried it would set him off and start a fight . So I bePosted by Today was pretty uneventful and I am exhausted so this is going to be a short one . Not too much happened until this evening when Austin somehow hurt his foot . I was changing Aiden 's diaper so I have no clue what happened , but he was walking on it fine afterwards so I wasn 't too worried . But he woke up in the middle of the night , which he usually does these days anyways , and was complaining that his foot hurt . He cried for a few hours on and off , but wanted to be in my lap the whole time so we watched some tv and he cried on and off and now I am making an attempt to go to bed . I am letting him sleep in my room so I can keep an eye on him though . Friends of ours had their baby today which is exciting ! We were both pregnant with our first children when we met . She was at the end of her pregnancy and I was just beginning mine . She was actually the first person , outside of family and hospital staff , to see Austin ! We called her as soon as we got home and she came over ! So it is crazy to think that they have 2 kids now ! They had a little boy , which I know will be so exciting for them ! Their oldest is a girl , so I am sure they will love having one of each . Other than that , nothing else really happened today . Tomorrow we have playgroup and I have a dr appt and we need to do a grocery trip at some point , but I have been putting it off . The highlight of my day is that David and I had a pretty serious talk about somethings and I am looking forward to seeing if anything comes of it : ) Other than that , I am exhausted so I am going to hit the hay ! Good night ! Wow ! Out of the double digits ! My husband will be home in less than 10 days ! I am so excited to see him , but it is a little bittersweet because the sooner he gets home , the sooner he leaves again , and the separation will be much longer next time . I miss him like crazy . Even on our bad days when we fight about something completely ridiculous , I miss him . In all honesty , when we found out about this deployment , or at least that he would get to come home after the first training , I was looking forward to the first time he would leave . I have always dreaded the actual deployment , but the first time he would be leaving , I knew it would just be CONUS and that he would be safe where he was and I thought the separation would do us some good . In a way , I am sure it probably did , but I did not realize how much I would miss him . We were fighting a lot before he left and I thought the time away would help us see past the petty fights that we have and see the bigger picture . I think in a way it has done that , but at what cost ? We have lost time together that we will never get back . When his last enlistment ended , we were planning on him separating and finding a job as a contractor . But then we got the orders to Hawaii and it was almost like someone knew he was planning on getting out , so they put an offer on the table that we couldn 't refuse . So of course , with my support , hell , maybe even my urging , he made the decision to reenlist so that we could accept the orders . I love being here , but sometimes I wonder if the decision was worth it . Deep down I know that when this enlistment ends , we will make the decision for him to reenlist . First of all , when this enlistment ends he will have been in 11 years , and it would be insane to go 11 and not just finish up the last 9 , but also , the military has a lot of benefits . And if I am being truthful , as much as this deployment terrifies me , trying to live the civilian lifestyle scares me even more . My father was in the Air Force , and in fact , he just retired shortly after my second sonI am very proud of my husband because , while I know he is worried , I also know that this is something he has to do . This is the only way he will truly feel like he did what he signed up to do , which is to defend his country . And that makes me very proud of him . A lot of people moan and whine about deployments , and understandably so , and some do it for the money , but he is doing it for all the right reasons , and that makes me so proud of him . I know that he will go over there and give it his all every single day . So , while I will miss him , I understand why he is going , and I will be the proudest wife anyone ever saw , no matter how much it hurts . I love him and I support him and I will be right here waiting for him when he comes home ! Anyways , it is getting very late , almost 3 and I am exhausted ! I feel pretty accomplished today though ! I took the boys to playgroup this morning , which is always fun , for them and for me . Then we came home and spent the afternoon just hanging out . I crocheted 2 1 / 3 baby hammocks for my newborn shoots that I have coming up , I am also planning on selling them on the side . So I felt pretty good about that . Now I am more than ready for bed ! The highlight of the day was taking the boys to playgroup ! I will definitely continue to go even after David gets home . It is such a good thing for the kids ! Well , time for bed ! Goodnight ! ! ! Posted by Halloween ! What an exciting day ! I have always loved Halloween but this one had to have been , by far , the best ! Austin had so much fun ! He did so well trick - or - treating ! I am sad that David couldn 't be here for it , but I videotaped a lot of it and took some pictures . Austin did really good saying " trick - or - treat " and " thank you " and " happy queen " , which was how he pronounced halloween . . . lol . It was a lot of fun . That was actually all that we really did today . It is 9 and I am exhausted ! Austin is in his room , supposed to be in bed , but I hear him playing . It probably won 't last too long but I had to wake him up early from his nap to get ready for trick - or - treating so hopefully he will sleep soon ! But the highlight of the day was definitely trick - or - treating . Everyone commented on how cute he looked and there will be pictures of him floating all over facebook tomorrow because a bunch of people stopped to take his picture ! LOL ! He was such a big boy tonight and I was so proud of him ! Well , I am up in my bed and I just put a movie on , so I am getting off the computer , curling up with my body pillow and the teddy bear from my husband and if I watch the whole movie great , if I fall asleep and miss the whole thing , that works too ! LOL ! Goodnight ! ! ! Posted by My name is Jessica . I am a Military Granddaughter , Neice , Daughter , Member , and Wife . I served on Active Duty in the Air Force , then went into the Reserves . I am currently IRR . I am a 24 year old mother of 2 boys , Austin and Aiden . Austin was born February 22 , 2008 and Aiden was born July 5 , 2009 . I am a stay - at - home Mom , a freelance photographer , and a full time college student , working towards a degree in Elementary Education through the University of Phoenix . The most important thing anyone should know about me is that my family is my life ! Precious Memories Photography by J . D . by Precious Memories Photography by J . D . Local freelance photographer , specializing in maternity , newborn , and family photos . Service includes 1 hour photo shoot ( unless otherwise specified for events , additional charges apply for longer . . . Questions ? Comments ? Requests ? Get in touch . Contact NowBrought to you by Travel theme . Theme images by Nic _ Taylor . Powered by Blogger . |
Soon we were in the air , flying over the woods where I had been lost while looking for a safe haven . That is one place I sure was glad to be out of , but I was still very much worried about my friend , Lucy Mae . I knew that she would soon be out of a job that she hadn 't even begun working at yet . She was to begin on Monday , and it was very late Friday night . What a mess ! I couldn 't even visit her , because if I did , the security guard would see me , and know that the jig was up , that I had somehow escaped being killed by Hank and his boys . I didn 't dare go to try to warn her , but I knew someone who could . The noise inside the helicopter made it useless to try to carry on a conversation , but as soon as it landed at the hospital , I was helped off the plane and told the Looie I had an idea . " Oh , really ? Another bright idea , like investigating Hank and his boys ? " Soon , I was on a gurney , back in the emergency room , being checked over by a handsome young intern . It made it kind of nice being looked at by such a good - looking fellow . I smiled at him , and asked him how long he had been working at the hospital . He just said , " Lie still , ma ' am , I need to wheel you back to x - ray and see if you have any injury to your brain . " Uh - oh ! Not a very talkative young man , I thought to myself . Wonder what his problem is ? So , I lay still , but kept talking ; cause after all , you don 't have to move your head to talk . " So , has it been a long night for you , young man ? You seem to be in a bit of a bad mood . Anything you 'd like to share with me ? I 'm a good listener , ya know . " My friends know that I never see a stranger , and am always ready to talk to anyone I see . Then he smiled at me and said , " Sorry , ma ' am . There was a bomb went off tonight and several victims were brought in . I just finished working on some of them that made it , and it wasn 't a pretty sight . I 've been working in medicine for some time , but those were the first people I 've seen in such a condition . " " Bless your heart , honey , " I replied , not knowing what else to say . It just proves you never know what someone else is going through when you see no smiles on their faces in reply to your smile . I patted his hand in understanding . Well , he took me back to x - ray and waited while the technician did his stuff , and then brought me back out to the emergency room . Then he examined my arms and legs and told the nurse to clean the scratches and apply some ointment to them . By the time she was through , he had my x - rays and examined them . He pronounced me okay and told me I could leave . Going back out into the waiting room , I found Lieutenant Shannon , Jack , and my little Clancy . I told the Lieutenant about my idea . 8888888 " Well , you know , her son could be needing her , because of maybe a supposed accident while moving away , perhaps in his drive to the town where his wife is in prison , and he could need her help in looking after the children . Now , you know that pastors can have unsuspected entry into almost any place . What if we got Pastor Joe to go to the Kindergarten with news that her son needed her immediately , and she could leave without any suspicion that it was bogus . We could have him tell her as though it were true , and then when he got her out , we could tell her the truth . That would make it realistic enough that she would be all flustered and in a hurry to leave . Since they don 't know anything about Hank and his boys being captured , it should work . " " I believe it would , AnnieBee , I believe it would . Like I said before , I 'm glad you 're on the side of the law ! You have a sneaky way of thinking and planning . " I turned to Jack , and hugged him again . " Jack , you have got to lay low for a few days , too . We don 't want anybody that was associated with Hank and his boys asking you any questions that you don 't have an answer to . I guess maybe that will give you a chance to spend some time with your girl , Lily , eh ? I keep tryin ' to remember where I 've heard her name before . . . hmmm , it 'll come to me , I 'm sure . " Jack colored up when I mentioned Lily to him ; he blushed clear to the roots of his hair above his forehead . ' Ah , young love ' , I thought , ' there 's nothing like it . ' Turning back to the Looie , I asked if they had searched the premises of the Auto Shop and gotten the books Hank was keeping and the files in the cabinets . He replied that they had all of it in custody and the District Attorney was most likely using them as we spoke to build a case against Hank and his sons . It seems they had been using the premises as a chop shop as well as a drug operation . He and Jack had been talking about it while I was back in the emergency room . " Say , how come you knew anything about the operation to begin with ? What put you on to it ? " I wanted to know . we had planned . Jack called us when the delivery was moved up to eleven , but couldn 't when the security guard came earlier than eleven . Sorry we missed it , and you all had to go through that harrowing experience . " " Well , I 'm sure glad you all were on top of it as well as you were . It sure made me appreciate my life even more when I thought I was a goner . Now , about Lucy , can we get her out of there today sometime , since today is Saturday already . Or maybe Sunday afternoon would be better . That would certainly make more sense . Then it would be closer to the time that you would see deliveries of the drugs taking place . " I was making plans like I was the one in charge . Ha ! Miss Busybody , you just let me take care of the details . You know you can trust me to do what needs to be done . Speaking of laying low , you might want to do just that . No walking around anywhere even close to the Sunny Bright Kindergarten . You would most surely be recognized , and I 'm sure that by now , the Principal there knows about your part in the whole matter . " Well , I certainly did not want Lucy to be harmed , and I guess I needed to trust the Looie to take good care of her ; but it was going to be difficult for me to not have a hand in it . " Come on , now , AnnaBelle and Jack , let 's be going . I 'm going to take you back to the station house with me . I need to get your statements while they are still fresh in your minds . Then we can find a place that is open early for breakfast and I 'll treat you all to a meal . How about that ? Is that agreeable ? I know I could sure use some food . How about it , Clancy , old fellow ? You all must be tired after all that walking . " I must admit that all sounded good to me ! I was bone - tired and weary , but still had plans running through my head . . It was only a short ride to the station house and as we went up the steps , I could hardly place one foot in front of the other . After all I had been through , that was just about all I could do . The Looie took my elbow to help me up the steps and into the station . I felt like an old lady for the first time ever . Well , that wouldn 't last very long - all I needed was a good night 's rest . Inside , we went up to the second floor where the policemen did their actual paperwork , and it was just about deserted . Jack had picked up Clancy and was carrying him , because my little dog was just about as tired as I was . His little ears were drooping and his tongue was hanging out , so Jack stopped at the break room and got him some water to drink . There was also a stale doughnut and Jack gave that to Clancy as well . Then they came on into the Lieutenant 's office . I had taken my bathroom break at the hospital , and believe me , I had needed one . I sat down at the desk and the Looie turned on a tape machine so that I could relate everything that had happened the evening before . Then he asked me questions in order to clarify any misunderstandings that anyone could have about my experiences . Then it was Jack 's turn to tell his story . I listened in awe to his statement . It seems he had been working with an undercover policeman to whom he had been feeding information about his Uncle Hank 's operation of the chop shop and drug scheme . Hank 's boys would steal cars and bring them into the auto shop at night . Some of them they would take apart , and sell the parts ; others they would ship to Mexico without doing anything with them . Sometimes , cars in Mexico belonging to tourists would be stolen and shipped to Hank and they would have huge shipments of drugs in them . These cars would then be chopped and sent to dealers looking for those specific parts . It seems that the police had already had an idea that Hank 's auto shop was involved in these illicit operations . With Jack in a good position to find out , an undercover cop , knowing Jack had an excellent honest reputation , contacted little bit of convincing , but Jack told Hank that he needed to earn some money because he had a girl friend and wanted to impress her . Then it dawned on me as to the identity of the undercover cop ! So I asked the question . " Say ! Could it be ? Is Zeb an undercover policeman ? Is that why he seems to be everywhere , slinking around , looking like he doesn 't want to be noticed ? " Lieutenant Shannon grinned as big as a possum eating persimmons . " Why do you ask that , AnnaBelle ? Didn 't I tell you that he is always into some kind of trouble , and has to be brought into the station to be questioned ? You do have some crazy notions , doesn 't she , Jack ? Zeb is just another street person like yourself , AnnaBelle . If he were an undercover man , do you think I could tell you ? Then he wouldn 't be undercover any more , would he ? Just get that idea out of your head , my dear inquisitive lady ! " Well , I was certainly entitled to have my own ideas , and I was going to do some investigations into that one . The Lieutenant gave the statements to someone who was working late to get them printed up , and within a short time we were signing them . Then we were on our way to breakfast . We went to an all - night diner that seemed to be frequented by policemen . so I knew the food was probably like what you would find in a greasy spoon . The waitress certainly knew the Looie , from the way she smiled at him . She looked tired as she asked for our drink orders , so apparently she had been working all night . I had no sooner ordered than I said , " I think I 'll just rest my head a few minutes . " Laying my head on my arms , I immediately went to sleep and missed the next thing that happened . I had noticed when we entered the diner that it was almost empty . There was just one other customer in the place . It was just kind of a " hole in the wall " place and had one of those counters that had the round stools , so we had sat down at them . While I sat there with my head on the counter , the Looie ( who , by the way , was in plain clothes , not wearing a uniform anymore except to important functions like official funerals ) and Jack had gone to the rest room while we waited for food . I was awakened suddenly by an arm around my neck . Someone was standing behind me and had pulled me to my feet . He spoke quietly in my ear , " Okay , lady , behave yourself and nobody 's gonna get hurt . " I could feel what seemed to be the barrel of a gun pressed to the back of my head . Uh Oh ! Now , what ? In my periferal vision ( I couldn 't turn my head ) , I saw the Looie and Jack returning . It didn 't take them long to get the lay of the land , so to speak , and they saw I was in real trouble . ( Why did trouble seem to dog my steps ? ) Speaking of dogs , I looked down at Clancy , and told him to be still . I didn 't want him shot or hurt in any way . " Okay , lady , shut up if you want to get out of this alive ! " he whispered to me . Then he barked at the man behind the counter . " Give me all the money in your register and don 't make any sudden moves or the old lady here gets it in the back of the head . Everybody else sit down , and don 't be gettin ' any funny ideas about callin ' the police . " I tried to get the Looie 's attention and raised my eyebrows . I saw he was looking at me intently , trying to figure out what I was intending on doing . He slightly shook his head at me , telling me not to do anything , but I was tired of being the victim and decided that was a thing of the past . " No More " I said to myself , and elbowed the man in his gut , causing him to let go of my neck . I knew then that the Looie would have a clean shot , because I dropped and rolled away from the hoodlum . Sure enough , Lieutenant Shannon had his revolver out and within seconds had the guy on the floor . I happened to look over at the other customer who had his cell phone out and was taking my picture as I sat up . Then he ran over to me . " Hey , Lady ! That 's one of the bravest things I 've ever seen ! I 'm a reporter for the Daily News ! I need your name for my story , please ? " Oh , my goodness ! I didn 't need my picture and name plastered all over the daily newspaper ! It would put Lucy in jeopardy , before we could get the place raided . The crooks ( the security guard and Ms . Wilson ) would put two and two together and Lucy 's goose would be cooked . I looked over at the Looie , and told the reporter to please wait for just a few minutes . I ran over to the Looie and told him the guy who had just taken my picture was a reporter and wanted to run the story about my bravery . " Well , we 'll just see about that , " replied the Looie . Going over to the reporter who was on his cell phone , clicking away with the camera , the Lieutenant politely reached over and turned off the cell phone and confiscated it . " Listen , buddy , " he stated . " We have a situation here that we need to talk about . How would you like an exclusive ? If you agree to hold off on your story , I promise you a much bigger one that will sell more papers than you ever dreamed of . " " Okay , then , a television exclusive is what you will have if you will just hold off ! This little set - to here is nothing compared to what you could have , besides which , you will be saving two little old ladies ' lives if you will just wait . How about it ? " The Lieutenant was using his hundred watt persuasion on this little dude . " Well , I gotta hear more about this so - called great story before I agree . Can you tell me a little more ? Can somebody , anybody , tell me a little more ? " " Okay , this little lady right here can give you the scoop if you will promise to hold off till I get things set up for the final part of the story , " the Looie said , indicating me . " Then , if you will promise to keep out of the way , I will let you be there when we close down the operation . Is it a deal ? " " Sure , sure ! Wow ! I 'm finally going to get an exclusive ! " The young man was jumping around like a grasshopper among a bunch of live coals . Other customers were beginning to come into the diner , because the streaks of dawn were beginning to show over the rooftops . " Let 's all get out of here , " said Jack and the Lieutenant , simultaneously . The Lieutenant had cuffed the perpetrator and soon had him into the back of his unmarked car . Jack got in next to him , holding Clancy , and the reporter and I got into the front passenger side of the auto . As the Lieutenant drove , I began talking to the reporter . " What is your name , young man ? Before I begin tellin ' a story for the news , I want to know who I 'm a talkin ' to ! " " My name is John Dover , ma ' am . I think I know you ! Aren 't you the lady that helped nab a murderer several months ago ? And nearly got killed in the process ? " " Howdy , John . I 'm right pleased to meetcha ! Yep , I reckon that was me , all right . Seems like trouble jist kinda navigates itself towards me , don 't cha know ? " minded his recording me as I told the story . I looked over at the Lieutenant and lifted my eyebrows . The Looie replied that he reckoned that would be okay . The young man asked several pertinent questions , very intelligently , as I told him the story of my capture and of the chase . He looked at me admiringly , as if wondering how an old lady could outwit the criminals as I had done . Well , as I had almost done , that is . We arrived at the station house and went in . I was so very tired , I could hardly move , and it seemed every muscle in my body was screaming for relief . We had a job ahead of us , though . We had to get Lucy out of that place before it was raided and for that we needed Pastor Joe . So much had happened in the last couple of days since she had gone to work there , and now she was in danger . It was all my fault . I felt like kicking myself , but then , maybe the ordeal I had just been through had served as that self - kicking . I looked at the young man , John Dover , and saw he was talking on his " Smart Phone " a mile a minute . What was he doing ? Who was he talking to ? Oh , well , I guess he had to check in every so often . with his men . I reminded him about Lucy and getting Pastor Joe to come and get her out of the Kindergarten . He shook his head yes , and just before I drifted off to sleep , I thought I saw the Weasel in the hallway . " Hmmm , he must be in trouble again , " I thought to myself . Clancy settled himself in my lap . I must have not been asleep more than ten minutes when I awoke to the shouts from the hallway . " Hey , Lieutenant , Ya gotta see this ! " One of his men was running up the steps to his office , shouting to him . then , I saw Pastor Joe come through the hallway , looking like he had seen a ghost . He was looking in every door . When he saw me , he ran into the room . " AnnaBelle ! Are you okay ? When I saw you on television , I could hardly wait to get here . " at him as though he had two heads , I replied , " What are you talkin ' about ? What am I doin ' on TV ? What in tarnation are you sayin ' ? " Why , the way you elbowed that guy that was trying to rob the diner ! That 's what I 'm talking about ! It 's all over the early morning news . They broadcast it live from the diner , and apparently , it 's being rebroadcast every fifteen minutes in news recaps . They keep saying , ' more news to come ' . " Forgetting about my aches and pains , I jumped up from the chair where I had been resting and ran into the Looie 's office . I know my face must have been white as the proverbial sheet as I quickly made my way in . When I got in there , several of the men , including Zeb and the Looie were standing in rapt attention watching the news on the television receiver that was in his office . " Looie ! What are we going to do ? What if the security guard at the Kindergarten has seen this ? Lucy is going to be in all kinds of danger ! " " Now , now ! Don 't worry , AnnaBelle ! Everything has been taken care of . The DEA swat team is raiding the place , even as we speak . They went around to the back so they could get Lucy out quietly before they busted into the front , to catch the security guard . I 'm sure she is okay . Just a minute , something is being said to me , right now . " He put his finger up to the miniature gadget in his ear , then his face turned as white as mine had been , and the reassuring smile that had been on his face slowly disappeared as though an eraser was passing across it . " Well , it seems there has been some kind of glitch in their plans , but they assure me everything is going to be okay . They weren 't able to get Lucy out yet . But they do have the place surrounded , and are quite sure that they will get them . Now , don 't you worry , AnnieBee . Those drug enforcement guys are good ; they are real professionals , and they 'll come through for us . " I looked around for the reporter ; he had some questions to answer to and I wanted to know why he had gone against his promise . I also wanted to know how much more he had told his people at the station , if anything . Just then , I heard a familiar voice coming from the television receiver . " Good morning , folks ! This is Tanya Jane Harlow , coming to you from in front of the Sunny Bright Kindergarten . I am standing here with a SWAT team from the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency . Apparently they are preparing to raid the kindergarten . According to unnamed sources , they believe the owner to be part of a drug ring operation . Also , according to our sources , the security guard who lives and works here is a major player in this so - called drug operation . " Turning to the man in charge , she asked , " Can you tell me what you all have done so far , Lieutenant ? I was told that you were already raiding the place . What is the holdup ? What about the lady who lives in the back , Ms . Lucy Wilkins ? Wait a minute , is that the same Lucy Wilkins who is the mother of the man who ran for city commissioner ? Is she involved in the drug ring ? " on that John Dover ! Where was he ? But wait ! I couldn 't leave the television set until I knew how this was all going to play out . Why was the SWAT team waiting . . . what were they waiting for ? As we watched , we saw the bright lights from a helicopter that had just appeared on the scene . It was a news helicopter from a nearby large city network affiliate of our local television station . Apparently , the news had gone national from our little podunk station . Now what ? ? ? Just then , the door to the Kindergarten opened , and Mrs . Wilson stepped out , dressed elegantly , and Lucy stood beside her , looking bewildered about all that was going on . Lucy , however , was wearing her housecoat , and slippers , like she had just gotten out of bed minutes before . " Gentlemen ! To what do I owe the dubious pleasure of your early morning company ? Why have you surrounded my home bearing arms and wearing protective gear ? Are you looking to be attacked by little old me ? I 'm afraid I haven 't prepared breakfast yet , or I would invite you in for coffee . Now , what can I do for you ? " Mrs . Wilson was the soul of kindness to the SWAT team , but I noticed she did not welcome them inside the building . Tanya Jane stepped forward to speak to Mrs . Wilson . " Good morning to you , Mrs . Wilson . I 'm Tanya Jane Harlow , with the our local television station , WTLK , and we have been informed that your security guard is involved in a local drug operation . What can you tell us about that ? " Tanya then stuck the microphone into Mrs . Wilson 's face . " I can tell you that it is not really any of your business , young woman ! However , just for the record , I fired him last evening for insubordination . He left before his evening shift was over , and I do not like employees leaving during working hours . I will not keep anyone who shirks his duties in my employ . Right now , I have no idea where he is , and I don 't care . As for his being involved in a drug ring , that is not in my knowledge . It wouldn 't surprise me , though , since he is a former street person . As you may know , not all of them are trustworthy . I believe in giving people a chance , and if they mess up , then they are back out on the streets . Now , gentlemen , apparently you had ideas about coming in . . . do you have a search warrant ? " The SWAT team leader produced a search warrant that had apparently just been delivered to him . He handed it to Mrs . Wilson , and she stepped back , allowing him and his men into the building . I saw Lucy step to one side , as well , her eyes as big as saucers , and hugging her housecoat to her chest . The door was closed in Tanya Jane 's face and she turned to the cameras , beginning her running comments again . " Well , ladies and gentlemen , there you have it . We will wait outside the kindergarten to see what happens and to see if they carry out anything . In the meantime , we don 't have the name of the security guard in question . We are not sure exactly of the hours he is supposed to work , either . Rest assured that it won 't be long until we have that information in hand . Perhaps we can interview Ms . Wilkins when she is available . She can probably provide some news to us . Stay tuned . " Tanya Jane seemed to be out of ammunition at the moment . Turning to Lieutenant Shannon , I asked , " How did such a snafu take place ? What happened ? Why hadn 't they already gone in ? What were they waiting for ? " " Well , AnnaBee , apparently they were late getting the search warrant . They had to wake up a judge to get it signed , and he was reluctant because Mrs . Wilson is a big contributor to some of the charities he promotes . They had to do some big talking to get his approval . Now we 'll just have to wait and see if they find any evidence of drugs inside . " I began looking around again for John Dover . Of course , I didn 't find him . He was gone , but you can believe he wouldn 't get any more information from this source ! Now , with the guard missing , I was still in danger , along with Jack . The guard knew we could identify him . Gazing around the room , I saw that we were in a wait - and - see mode . The men that had gathered here were now kind of lounging around , almost all of them had a cup of coffee in their hands . It had been about fifteen minutes since any news from the SWAT team had been televised . Of course , by now , we could see bystanders had begun to show up onscreen . Tanya Jane was talking to them and getting their opinions . It didn 't matter to her whether they had anything important to say . She was very talented at getting people to respond to her questions . It was said that she could get answers from a fence post if she had enough time . Another ten minutes and the team emerged from the building , empty handed , except for a gun they had found in Mrs . Wilson 's night stand . The lady stood at the door with a smile on her face , and said , " Come back any time , fellows . If you 'll call ahead I 'll be sure to have coffee and doughnuts waiting for you . " Then she turned to the news crews and remarked , " Sorry , you all , I just have nothing for you this morning . Please take care not to trample the flowers on your way out . " Then she closed the door quietly . Tanya Jane , not being the type to give up , spoke to the leader of the SWAT team , and asked about the gun . . " had it been fired lately . . . did it have any cartridges missing . . . did she say why she had it . . . did she have a permit for it . . . " and so on . The reporter with the out of town team also had questions for them , such as , " where do you think the guard is . . . do you think she really fired him . . . do you think she is really connected to the drugs . . . why didn 't you bring the sniffing drug dogs with you . . . do you have any of them . . " All the answers were , of course , in the negative . . . no response mostly . It seemed as though there was a lot the DEA team didn 't know , and I would need to find out , somehow , if possible . Now that Lucy was aware of the problems in which she was now involved , I wondered what I could do to help her . Should I press her to get out ? I knew I needed to visit her , now that the guard had disappeared and I was free to go there . I looked again around the Looie 's office . Although it was a fairly large office , it was really crowded talk to Pastor Joe , who was still there talking with Zeb . When they saw me head toward them , they stopped talking and Zeb tipped his hat and was on his way out of the room . It made me wonder again just what he was doing there ; he was always turning up at the most unexpected times . Clancy was curled up in the corner . All the excitement had taken its toll and he was tired . Smart dog ! He was doing what I needed to be , but I was just too wound up . Ideas were running through my head a mile a minute , and I had questions that needed answers . Jack had disappeared as well . Now where did he go ? Going over to speak to Pastor Joe , I decided to ask him if he knew anything about Zeb , since he had been talking to him . " Hey , Pastor Joe , I 'm sure glad to see you . We were thinkin ' about comin ' to see you to get Lucy out of that Kindergarten place , but now it seems like we won 't be needin ' to . There is somethin ' else I 'd like to ask you , though . " " Hello , again , AnnaBee ! I 'm mighty glad to see you 're okay . Tell me about what all you 've been up to last night . I hear you 've been on a wild goose chase , but that you were the goose being chased . Is that right ? " " Well , yeah , you could say I was the Snipe in a Snipe hunt , so to speak . Bein ' chased by people with guns intendin ' to shoot me was sure an experience I wouldn 't want to happen again . But who told you about it ? " " I really don 't much like that expression ' neck of the woods ' much anymore . Anyway , I wanted to ask you about Zeb , and what you know about him . He seems like a mystery to me . He is always around , he 's very polite , but sometimes it seems as though he is following me . What can you tell me about him ? " " He 's just another street person , like yourself , I believe . I think he may have had a difficult life in earlier years . Why don 't you ask him , yourself ? I 'm sure he 'd be glad to talk to you . As for his following you , perhaps , since he seems to be living on the streets , maybe he 's just going the same way as you . I do know that he knows the Lieutenant and some of the other men stationed here , but I 'm not sure in what capacity . " " Nah , nah ! I 'm not that interested in him , to be talkin ' to him . Maybe sometime , I don 't know . Listen , do you know where Jack has gotten to ? I wonder if he is going to try to open his Uncle 's auto shop , or if it has been closed down for good . I really need to talk to that young man . " My mind was still going a mile a minute . " AnnaBelle . . . er . . . Ms . Chasteen . . I know my name is probably mud right now , but I just wanted you to know I 'm sorry about that whole snafu that took place this morning . I didn 't realize the importance of keeping that earlier story quiet , because I was sending the story of the robbery as it was happening . Then when I heard the rest of what you were involved in , I knew my boss would fire me if I didn 't get it . I just got married a little over a year ago , and I have a new baby . I can 't afford to get fired , don 't you see ? " John Dover was pleading with me to forgive him . " I see , all right ! I see you don 't have any ethics for keeping your word . Young man , if you are going to be in the news business , you need to rethink your morals ! Your thoughtlessness could have cost people their lives early this morning . The police may have lost their chance to break up a drug ring , and my good friend , Lucy , could be dead by now , just because you had to run a story . The people don 't always have a right to know , if others ' lives are in danger because of it ! " I must admit , I was boiling mad . " I believe the Lieutenant will want to have a little chat with you , too . " quite often get very emotional when I 'm angry ) , I looked again for Jack . Then I saw him over in the corner , talking on the phone . He was gesticulating and smiling . Ahhh ! Lily . . . He must be talking to his girl friend . I edged a little closer . . . not exactly eavesdropping , you understand , but I did need to know a little more about them . . like were they getting really serious about one another . I 'll see you later today . We can have lunch together at our usual place . Sure . . . . me , too . Bye . " Jack turned around and saw me sitting in a chair and inspecting my fingernails . " Boy , I didn 't realize how dirty my fingernails got while I was scrabbling around outside that cave . Just look at them ! " I held them up for him to view . Jack just smiled at me , " Curiousity killed the cat , don 't you know ? " " Well , maybe I just wanted to know how you are feelin ' right now . That was a terrible thing you went through , too , thinkin ' that I was goin ' to be killed . We have been friends for a long time , and I wasn 't sure which side you were on , either , but I just couldn 't believe you 'd shoot me . I kept hopin ' you 'd take ' em out somehow . " I got up and went over to hug him again . Jack and I went over to the Lieutenant and told him we needed to be leaving if he didn 't need us any more . " Listen , you two , you are both in very real danger until we catch that security guard . You two are the only ones that can identify him , except for Lucy and Ms . Wilson . Ms . Wilson is not talking , and I don 't really want to question Lucy right now . We have to make Mrs . Wilson think she is in the clear . I am going to assign two men to keep their eyes on you two . You won 't see them , but they will both know where you are and what you are doing . Now , why don 't you all ride back to the Mission with Pastor Joe . Don 't forget Clancy over there in the corner . Oh , yes , AnnaBelle , see if you can keep your nose clean and out of my business for awhile . " This last was said with a smile . It seems the Looie knew how difficult it was for me to mind my own business . Ha ! As if I would . I looked over at Clancy and realized he was curled up next to my pushcart . When they had found my cart near the auto shop building , they must have put it into the trunk of the squad car . I gathered my stuff and followed Jack and Pastor Joe down the stairs to the first floor , with Clancy trotting along beside me . The little fellow had more rest than I but he still didn 't seem to have all his energy back yet . I picked him up and carried him ; he looked up at me gratefully and licked my face . Poor baby ! He had been through a lot the night before as well as I had . There was little conversation as we rode back to the Mission in Pastor Joe 's old green Chevvy . We each seemed to be lost in our own thoughts . Then Joe turned to me and asked , " What in the world were you thinking to go messing around that auto shop after dark when supposedly no one else was there ? " Uh oh ! He was letting me have it with both barrels , and I had no defense . " Yeah , AnnaBee ! What were you thinkin ' ? " Jack asked from the back seat . " Do you know or have any idea how worried I was when I saw you layin ' there on the ground outside after you fell off that stupid dumpster ? I knew I couldn 't do much to protect you from my uncle and cousins . How could you ? " Well , I just puffed up self - righteously and crossed my arms defensively against the double barrage of their attack , as though they were in the wrong and I was in the right . " I had to know , is why I did it . I thought I could get inside with no one the wiser , and then when I saw the light comin ' through the bay doors , I had to know what was goin ' on . If I hadn 't forgot that I was on the dumpster , I could have gotten away . Then you would never have known I was there . " The tears began to flow from my eyes in a slow stream , and then I put my face in my hands and cried . That verbal assault from my friends after all I had gone through the night before was just too much . Clancy began licking at my face through my fingers , and Jack reached up between the front seats and patted my shoulder , apologizing , but still standing his ground that I shouldn 't have snooped around . Pastor Joe , like most men , just was not sure what to do , so he kept silent . Pretty soon , I wiped my eyes and said , " I 'm okay , and I forgive you all for jumping on me with both feet . Maybe , just maybe , I deserved it , but I would probably do it again , and be more careful the next time . " " We know , AnnieBee , we know . A tiger can 't change it 's stripes any more than you will ever change . We love you anyway . " This came from Pastor Joe . " Now , when we get to the Mission , let 's have some breakfast . WTLK 's news van waiting in the street , apparently to catch us before we went into the Mission . I told Pastor Joe to please keep driving and to go around to the back . Maybe we could avoid talking with Tanya Jane , ' cause I knew she would be the one waiting for us . That girl loved to lie in wait , like a cat waiting to spring on unsuspecting victims . Well , I intended this to be one time she missed . At least until Jack and I got some rest . Little Clancy , sitting in my lap , growled . He knew I was upset . I scooted down in my seat to get out of sight . Pastor Joe went on around the block and parked behind the Mission , and we climbed wearily out of the vehicle and went in through the back door , through the kitchen . " Ah ! " I said to myself . " We 've outsmarted that little vixen ! " We went through the kitchen into the dining room , and found ourselves face to face with her ; where she sat at one of the tables , watching the front door and surrounding areas . I knew when I saw her that it was no use . " Ah , ladies and gentlemen of our viewing audience . Here is the heroine of the day ! AnnaBelle Chasteen , come over here and tell us all about your bravery , not once , but twice , during the past twenty - four hours ! You are one of the bravest ladies I have ever interviewed . I could hardly wait to speak with you ! " " Sorry , Tanya Jane . . . it 's just too fresh in my mind and I am so very tired and hungry . I haven 't eaten since sometime yesterday and , as you said , I 've been through some traumatic experiences over the past twenty four hours . I really need to have some breakfast and rest for awhile . I 'm just not up to an interview right now . " I gave her as pitiable a look as I possibly could . " Well , while it is fresh in your mind is a good time to do the interview . I won 't keep you long . Isn 't it true that you were captured by men who then chased you through the woods as though you were an animal being hunted , and used your own little dog to find you ? Oh , is this sweet looking little dog the one ? " When she reached down to pet him , Clancy growled at her and snapped his jaws . She pulled her hand back quickly . I patted Clancy on the head and felt like kissing him . He could sense my animosity toward her , I guess . Tanya Jane backed up as though he were a snake getting ready to strike her . " Well , I guess we 'll let you get some rest right now and some breakfast , " quipped Tanya Jane . She then turned to Jack and began quizzing him . I turned back to Tanya Jane and told her to keep her questions to herself . " Jack is an honest young man who found himself in a predicament , not of his own making , and he deserves to be commended instead of castigated . Now , please leave us alone ! " Clancy barked at her , and she backed up again . " Well , folks , I guess they really do need to get their breakfast and rest . More later . This is Tanya Jane Harlow , returning you to the station . " Turning to her camera man , she turned off her microphone and said , " That 's a wrap . Let 's get out of this place . It smells in here ! " The rest of the day passed by quietly . I stayed awake as long as I could and waited until the proper time to go to sleep . Then I claimed one of the beds in the Mission shelter , with Clancy snuggled under the bed and we both slept . My sleep was littered with dreams filled with being chased through the woods and being shot down by Jack . I awakened in the middle of the night , shouting . The people around me were shushing me and telling me to either be quiet or get out . Tendering my apologies to them , I lay back down , covered up and turned over , drifting back to sleep . The next few days , I kept on the lookout for the security guard , expecting him to turn up trying to do away with me . I never saw him and was beginning to feel safe again . Although the Looie had said he was assigning someone to keep watch over me , I never saw them either . Was I losing my touch ? About the third day after I was rescued , I decided to go over to the kindergarten to visit with Lucy Mae . I was feeling pretty chipper by then , and felt the need to see my friend and ask her how the recent events had affected her , if any . I needed to see how she was doing , don 't cha know ? As I left the Mission after breakfast that morning , I saw Jack come jogging up . He was loping along at an easy pace , with the sweat dripping from his nose , wiping his face with a small hand towel . When he saw me , he slowed down and walked over to me . " Hey , AnnaBee , good morning ! Have you already had breakfast ? Why don 't you come in and sit with me if you have , so we can talk . " " Well , sure , Jack ! I reckon maybe I could drink another cup of coffee with you . We haven 't had a chance to really talk since everything that happened to us last weekend . " As we turned to go back into the Mission , I noticed a man coming down the street whose face was red as a beet , and who looked like he had been dragged through a knothole . He seemed to be limping along as though his feet were hurting . " Jack , don 't be obvious , but look at that man back there , coming toward the Mission . He looks like he 's in pain . " Jack gave me a smile and said , " He 's my shadow . I 've been doin ' my five mile run and he 's apparently a little out of shape . Poor guy . " I raised my eyebrows , leaned back a bit and looked at Jack . " So that 's what has slimmed you down lately ! I should have known or guessed somethin ' like that . I reckon I 've just been too preoccupied with other stuff to figure it out . " Looking down at Clancy , who of course was my shadow always , I said , " Come on , little feller , let 's head back indoors . " As we entered the door , we saw Zeb on his way out of the Mission . He nodded to Jack and tipped his hat to me , then went on his way down to the street . Jack said , " Why don 't you get us a seat and I 'll bring your coffee when I get my breakfast tray . I have some things I need to discuss with you . " away because I changed foster homes ; and then she moved away , too . She just moved back to our town a short time ago . I saw her one day at the supermarket . She recognized me first , and spoke to me . That was the beginning of our re - acquaintance . " to say I was floored would be an understatement . I jumped up and ran around to Jack and threw my arms around him , giving him an extra strong hug . He grinned and hugged me back . Then I went back around and sitting down again , said , " Tell me more ! Tell me about your runnin ' . When did you begin that ? And why ? " a kid that wasn 't treated right by adults and other kids . So , I quit eatin ' cookies that I didn 't need , and started runnin ' to take off some of the extra weight I was carryin ' . I 've been takin ' night classes to learn what I missed in high school . Lily has been helpin ' me with them , too . " was evident . Needless to say , I was very proud of him . And now , he was planning on getting married ? I felt like I had been putting my head in the sand , to have all that going on and not knowing about it . Maybe our Jack was just good at keeping his own counsel , so to speak . question for you , Jack . . . what about where you and Lily will live when you marry ? And what does she do for a living ? You 're not going to live on the streets , are you ? You say you 're planning to open your own motor repair shop . . . where do you plan on doing that ? " Lily lives in a house she inherited from her grandmother and since I haven 't proposed yet , I don 't know about where we would live . First she has to say ' yes ' . As for the shop I want to open , I was thinkin ' maybe about where my Uncle Hank 's shop is . I could maybe rent it for a good price since he won 't be using it for awhile . " I could see that Jack had put a lot of thought into all this . Then I had an idea . " Say , Jack - how about if we go over to the shop and check it out , see if anything has been happenin ' over there ? It 's been several days since we were last there . If you wanted any input from me on ideas , I could help you do a little plannin ' , maybe . " " Aren 't you still kinda worn out from all that happened a few nights ago , AnnaBee ? I 'll bet you 've still got sore places from all that running and scrabbling about . " Jack 's was the voice of sensibility speaking to me , but somehow , I just couldn 't seem to hear it . " Well , if you won 't go with me , I 'll just take Clancy and go myself , " I replied stubbornly . " For Lucy 's sake , I 'll stay away from her for a few more days till we get this matter resolved of the missin ' security guard . But I 'm a free agent , and I reckon I 'll jist go where I want to . I 'm not wantin ' to ' take it easy ' . I want to go look for myself . Maybe I can see some clues about where the guard might be . I might pick up on some clues the police missed when they were searchin ' around . " at me as if I had two heads . Then he shook his in disbelief . " I can 't let you do that , AnnaBee . You could be heading right back into a passel of trouble . I 've got things to do , and you just can 't be running off to get yourself killed , maybe . Wait till tomorrow afternoon and we 'll both go then . You might spend some time at the library , if you wanted something to do . I really do want you to go with me to look at the shop . You always have really good ideas on organizing stuff . " " I guess I could do some readin ' and research . Sure , that 's a good idea , Jack . I could go visit the library and check out what 's been goin ' on in the newspapers . Thanks for the ideas . I 've been kinda at loose ends the last few days . I really miss my buddy , Lucy Mae , too . Maybe I could go lookin ' for some empty cans and bottles for recycling . I 'll see ya later , Jack . " Taking my pushcart in hand , I whistled to Clancy and we were off to the out of doors . I had purpose now and I was going to do some checking on stuff . As I walked along , I noticed the air had quite a chill to it . Winter was definitely on its way . Gazing up at the sky , I saw that it had a rather leaden look to it . Uh , oh ! Those clouds were hanging low , and looked like they were filled with water . Just what we needed . . . more rain . It had rained some the night before , but had stopped sometime during the wee hours of the morning . Clancy and I headed towards the outer limits of town . I was headed towards the auto repair shop , but decided to change my course and make a detour to the Sunny Bright Kindergarten , and just kind of set up some surveillance from across the street , but out of sight . There happened to be a small park across the way , and since the children came to school around nine a . m . , I had time to observe their arrival . Theirs was a very short day , since they were so young . Finding a park bench underneath an overhanging tree , I found I could observe unseen by anyone unless they came very close to me . I put the leash on Clancy so that he would be unable to wander away , and looped it over the back of the bench where the arm of the bench came up . He would have plenty of room to move about and there was a puddle of water nearby where he could drink . There happened to be a newspaper in my cart so I pulled it out and placed it on the bench , which was still damp from the rain the night before , so that I could sit down and take up my vigil . It wasn 't very long before a limo pulled up to the front of the school and the chauffeur got out , closed his door , went around to the other side , opened the rear door for the child , taking him by the hand , walked him to the door of the school , which was immediately opened by a security guard . Handing the child over to the security guard , he shook hands with the guard and returned to the limo . Did he get something from the guard with that handshake ? As I sat there watching for the next twenty - five minutes , the process was repeated for each child that was brought . Looking around , I couldn 't see that the police still had the place being watched , like the Lieutenant had told me they would . Had they given up ? Maybe because they hadn 't found any incriminating evidence when they searched the place , they had given up . Well , not me ! I was not going to give up , especially with my good buddy , Lucy Mae Wilkins , in there , maybe in grave danger . What to do ? It looked like all the kids were probably in class for the day . I couldn 't stick around here much longer without casting suspicion ; maybe I had already been spotted . I got up , picking up the newspaper and decided to walk around through the park , seeing if I could find any cans or empty bottles . I needed to get up and move around some , anyway . Taking a path through the park , I decided to let Clancy run about , so I took him off the leash and told him to stay close by . Whoa ! He saw a squirrel and took off after him ; of course , I had to run after him and that was difficult what with pulling my cart along behind me . As you may remember , my cart is a folding one , that can be pulled along behind one , as well as being pushed in front of one . Well , what a sight we must have been , with Clancy chasing a squirrel and barking , and me running after him , shouting and pulling my cart behind me . I must have chased that little rascal for a full twenty minutes , clear to the other side of the park , near the lake . The leaves in the park were slippery from the rain the night before , and I slid down and landed near the edge of the lake . Twenty feet from the edge of the lake , something was floating in the water . It looked like it had once been human , because it seemed to be wearing clothing . Now it was just a blob of something bobbing about in the water , with arms and legs and a head . My heart began pounding like it was going to burst . I lay back , resting on my elbows , trying to catch my breath . I called Clancy over to me and fastened the leash to his collar . I needed to get the police out here , but I didn 't want to go over to the kindergarten to do so . When I had fallen , my cart had gone flying as well , so I got to my feet and walked over to where it lay , and setting it aright I looked around to see if anyone else were anywhere near . Seeing no one , I began walking hurriedly through the woods and out to the street some ways down from the kindergarten . As I hurried to the police station , a patrol car passed me in a hurry . I nearly ran all the way to the station and hurried up the steps . Clancy ran along beside me , as though it were great fun . Hurrying into the station house , I came up to the desk duty sergeant and hung onto the edge of his desk . " Why , Miss AnnieBee , what 's got you all in such a dither ? Is somebody chasin ' you through the forest again ? " he joked . " This ain 't funny , Sergeant Greene ! I jist saw a dead body a floatin ' in the lake ! I need somebody ta come ' n ' take a look . " " Aw , shah ! You 're pullin ' one of your pranks , aren 't cha ? " " Listen , you doubtin ' Thomas ! I 'm tellin ' ya true . I was jist over to the lake near the kindergarten , and there was a body floatin ' in the water about twenty feet out . Jist wait a minute , is the Looie in ? He 'll believe me ! He knows I don 't joke about dead bodies . I 'll jist go up and tell him . Come on , Clancy . We don 't have time to waste with underlin 's like Sgt . Greene , here . " With that , Clancy and I went up the stairs to Lieutenant Shannon 's office . I just left my cart where it was , next to the duty desk . The Looie was talking on the phone to someone as I came in . " Hey , AnnaBee , I hear you found a body floating in the lake . I 've already dispatched a team over there to check it out . " " Have you forgotten that I have a man looking out for you ? He saw you discovering the body and gave me a call . Thanks to you and your surveillance - oh , yeah , we know you 've been watching the kindergarten this morning - we know about the body . We 've already dispatched the coroner to the lake , along with a team of men to investigate the scene . Your shadow couldn 't stay with the body , because you were really on the move , and he had to keep you in sight . He said you move pretty fast for an old lady . " The Lieutenant was grinning when he said that last thing about me being an old lady . I just gave him a punch on the shoulder , like I was irritated by that last remark . Hmmm . Whose body was out in the water ? Was it anyone I knew ? Maybe Ms . Wilson ? Going over to one of the chairs in the Looie 's office , I sat down to rest and wait . Then I decided I needed to go to the rest room and that Clancy probably needed a drink of water , so I took him with me . Before I left the office , though , I picked up an empty styrofoam cup from the Looie 's desk , so I could get Clancy 's water in it . We came back into the office and sat down again . " Say , do ya have any coffee , Lieutenant ? I sure could use a cup of it . " Sitting back in the chair , I got to thinking . The clothes I saw on that person out in the lake looked kind of familiar to me . Where had I seen them before ? Just then , the Looie came back with my coffee and a sticky bun . That would bring my energy level back up . The ringing of the phone on his desk caught our attention and he went over to answer it . " Shannon here . Yes , who did you say it was ? Oh , my . It has been awhile since I 've heard that name . How did he die . . . can you tell ? Hmmm . Now that is strange , and what would he be doing out near the lake , anyway ? Okay , be sure and get back to me . Right , I 'll tell her . " Turning to me , he said , " Well , that was one of my men . The coroner says the body belonged to William Hankins . William was once a police detective , and his story is a sad one . In fact you know him , probably . He was one of the people who lived on the streets . They called him Wino Willie . " At that information , I sat up and I know my mouth must have dropped open in amazement . Wino Willie had once been a policeman . Who would ever have guessed ? " I suppose so . . . well , you see , one night he was on an undercover stake - out and it was the dead of winter . He hadn 't been in touch with his family for quite awhile , and their house somehow caught fire while they were asleep . His wife and children burned to death . He never recovered from the loss , and turned to drink , gradually losing interest in everything . Consequently , he lost his job as well . He was one of the best detectives we ever had . " The Looie 's story about Wino Willie brought tears to my eyes . Who would ever have thought about old Willie having been a top - notch detective ? Wonder what he was doing out there at the lake to meet a suspicious death ? As I sat there , chewing on the sticky bun , I was also chewing on an idea . Yep , that was what I was going to do , all right . I was thinking that some of the other people Willie and I knew in common would have some idea what he had been up to . Old Willie the Wino couldn 't keep his mouth shut when he was around his friends . " Looie , I sure would like to know how Willie got killed . Could ya jist give me a kind of hint ? " I began watching his face as I asked my questions . I knew when I hit on the answer , he would probably shut me off . " Did he get shot ? Or maybe strangled ? Or did he get stabbed ? Say , maybe he got clubbed over the head with a blunt object ? " " Now , AnnaBelle , I told you , I can 't divulge that information . If you 're thinking about getting involved in this investigation , you can just forget about it . You still have that guard to be concerned about . You are supposed to be keeping a low profile . " I now knew that Willie had probably been clobbered over the head , maybe with part of a tree limb , or some such thing . Had he been doing what I had done that morning . . . observing the going 's on at the kindergarten from across the street ? Brrr . . . kinda made me shudder . " Yeah , I know . I promise not to get into any more trouble , Lieutenant . I 'll be real careful and not irritate anyboy . Thank you for the sticky bun and coffee . Clancy and I need to be going now ; we 've taken up enough of your time and I know you 've got important things ta do . " The Looie gave me a strange look as if to say , ' what ? Going already without sticking around to see what more they find out at the lake ? ' but he replied , " Okay , AnnaBee , you be careful and stay out of police business . You hear me ? I mean it . I don 't want to have somebody finding your body laying out somewhere , dead ! " I just smiled sweetly at him and said , " Now , don 't you worry none . I 'm gonna be jist fine , young man . I 'm gonna be fine . " to some of Willie 's cronies . I just knew they would know something about what he was doing . I could get to them and get answers before the police would . Ha ! Say , maybe if I looked back every once in awhile , I could spot the policeman that the Looie had assigned to watch me , and I could ditch him . I hadn 't been paying enough attention to that little detail . The trouble was , it was now the middle of the day , and there were quite a few people out and about . Well , I 'd worry about that later . Right now , my mind was on finding some of Willie 's friends that he hung out with . Ah ! There was Jimmy Jake , standing on the corner , with his hat out , trying to get people to put a dollar or two in it . He had on dark glasses and carried a white tipped cane . I knew he wasn 't blind , but the average citizen didn 't know it . Walking over to Jimmy Jake , I spoke to him and asked if he had seen Willie the Wino lately . ( Yeah , I know that would be a dumb question to ask someone who is supposedly blind ! ) " Who wants ta know ? " he replied , like he didn 't know me . " I do ! I have some information that I bet you 'd like ta have , too . I know somethin ' about him that is not common knowledge . " " Say ! AnnieBee , did he tell you about what he was goin ' ta do , too ? " Wow ! I hit paydirt , right off the bat ! Jimmy Jake had known all about what Willie had been doing . Now , to get it out of him without him knowing that I didn 't know . " Ya say , he was dyin ' ? How come him ta tell ya that ? " I wanted to know . " Well , I saw him one day a few weeks ago and he was jist comin ' outta the free clinic . He 'd been hurtin ' somethin ' fierce in his belly , so he went ta find out . Doc told ' im that he had Cirrhosis of the liver and " Yeah , I know , Jimmy . Well , here is somethin ' ya didn 't know ; I found his body this mornin ' , a ' floatin ' in the lake out across the way from the kindergarten . It looked like he 'd been there for several days . Now keep this under yore hat , cause it ain 't common knowledge yet . Apparently , somebody saw him sneakin ' around and clobbered him , then dumped his body in the lake . I 'll bet they were in a hurry and tried ta weight it down , and didn 't do a good enough job of it . " " Well , he 'd been around askin ' questions of people we both know , and some we don 't know , and he must of asked the wrong people . Listen , AnnieBee , I know you think you 're a detective an ' all , but you 'd best be careful who you go around a ' talkin ' to . Sometimes you can get inta trouble a ' pokin ' your nose inta other people 's business . Seems like you nearly got yours a few days ago , didn 't cha ? " Now , I didn 't like having people like Jimmy Jake telling me to mind my business . It was okay for the Looie , but Jimmy Jake ? Please . You know how Jimmy Jake got his name ? He got the Jimmy part from his life 's profession of going around jimmying windows open and burgling houses . The Jake part was already his given name " Jacob " . Hence Jimmy Jake . Well , Heading for River Street , I knew exactly where to find some of Willie 's drinking buddies . They didn 't frequent the bars too much ; instead , they bought their gin and wine in the many grocery stores that sold it cheaper , and went to the alleyways where they wouldn 't be disturbed . They got the cheapest stuff they could find , since they were mostly homeless . The ones that weren 't lived in dumps , cause they 'd lost their families by drinking , and were living on their social security or welfare . It was a sad way of life for them . I had Clancy with me for protection ; he wouldn 't let any one try to hurt me without gnawing their leg off . Of course , he was not a very big dog , but he could do a lot of damage to anyone trying to get to me . I felt quite safe . As I walked along these back alleys , I saw lots of bottles and cans , so I picked them up as I went . Clancy saw a stray cat and tried to chase it , but I called him back . It wouldn 't do for my protector to be off running after a cat , now would it ? Every I wasn 't feeling very successful about my search for information . I left the alleyways and headed toward the street ; my feet were acknowledging the fact that they had been tramping up and down all over creation and my back was getting tired , too . Spotting a greasy spoon diner , I picked up Clancy and put him in my cart , covering him so that only his beady black eyes were showing . Taking my cart back to the rest room , I washed my hands thoroughly and then used the facilities . I then took my little buddy out of the cart and got him a drink of water in my hands . Then I put him back in and washed my hands again . I had picked up a bunch of filthy bottles and cans that afternoon . We went on back out into the diner , where I chose a spot near the back so that I could watch the people entering . I might yet see some of the people that Willie and I knew in common . Ordering a Blue Plate Special from the frowsy waitress , I sat back and rested , waiting for my food . She brought me the cup of coffee that I ordered when I sat down , and I enjoyed the fragrance . These greasy spoons might serve lousy food , but the coffee was always top notch . When the waitress brought my food to me , she handed me a folded piece of paper . Hmm . That was curious ; why would she be doing that ? Looking up at her , I lifted my eyebrows in a questioning gesture . " That fellow at the bar over there asked me to give it to you , said you would understand . " Looking down at the unfolded paper , I read it a second time . Yes , the words were the same as I had just read . " Nosey people find theirselfs in deep water . " Well , I knew one thing about him . He was uneducated . He could be any one of several ignoramuses wandering around the streets . I reckon maybe he meant business though . that meant I was stepping on somebody 's toes . Hah ! I was hot on the trail of Willie 's killers . Willie might have been a drunk , but he was basically a good man , and his death should not go unpunished . I sat there and began thinking about the various people i had talked to that day . Which one could it be that had tipped off the writer of the note ? Maybe I had actually talked to the note writer . Let me see , now . There was Eddie the Moocher who sat on the corner of River Street and Main . He seemed really interested in talking about Willie . He had a lot of questions for me about what had happened at the lake . He seemed to get more from me than i did from him . Crazy Hattie ( we call her that because she loves to pick fights with people and accuse them of trying to steal her junk ) was quite entranced by my questions . She wanted to know why I was at the lake . Of course I couldn 't really tell her . Hamlet had lots of questions about what I was doing and why . ( We call him that because he is always quoting Shakespeare - I think he must have been an English professor in his former life . ) He told me that word on the street was that one of Willie 's pals had come into a lot of money , but he couldn 't tell me any more about it . I realized that it was all tied up with the drug business and I knew that very few people living on the streets could afford to buy drugs , except those women who worked at night , plying their trade , and most of their money went to the boss they worked for . Sometimes the bosses were the ones that supplied them with drugs . Maybe those women were the ones I should be talking to . Yeah . Suddenly , I really wasn 't very hungry any more , but I knew I needed to eat something , so I went ahead and ate what I could . It might be a long evening before I go another meal . As made the notes , I could make some deductions or come to some conclusions about where the threat to me was coming from . Maybe instead of asking any more questions , I just needed to observe for a while some of the people I had been talking to . Yeah , that 's it . Observe . I had ordered a piece of meat for my meal , but decided Clancy could do it more justice than I could , so I passed it to him as he waited patiently in my cart . He looked at me gratefully , and began to chew on the meat . I could still see his beady little black eyes looking out at me , reached over into the cart and brought out my old purse so I could get my little notebook , and pencil , also I needed to pay for my dinner . Now that my job was over , I would need to really watch my pennies . It was a good feeling to have a little money in the bank , you know , but it wouldn 't last long . I always contributed to the box in the Mission when I could . Looking at the notebook , I began writing down the names of everybody I had talked to today , and what they had told me . Which of them had passed on my questions and to whom ? Perhaps , they had passed them on quite innocently , not knowing the harm they would do . This was going to take quite a bit of thinking and also conjecturing about who could be the ' leak ' to the drug dealers . Actually , it could be any one of those I had spoken to . Okay , instead of talking to the ladies of the evening , I would just do some quiet observing . All I needed was an empty doorway on River Street that wasn 't already being used by someone else . The evenings were getting rather cool by now , so I would be using my blanket tonight that I had gotten at the Goodwill place just last week , preparing for the winter . It was still early in the day ( so to speak ) , around 5 p . m . and I could still do some questioning of a few more of Willie 's friends . I could go into one of the pubs that were scattered along River Street . There was one called " Lucky Lou 's " that one of his friends had told me he used to go into once in awhile , because some of the cops still went in there after hours . Now , if I could just go in quietly and unobserved . There it was , just down the street from the diner where I had eaten the late dinner . ( Down South , we call lunch dinner , and what Yankees call dinner , we call supper ) . Just letting you know , so you don 't get confused . Walking slowly down the street , I looked around to see if anyone I had talked to earlier was still there . Actually , I was trying to determine if the fellow who had sent me the threat was anywhere around . Nobody looked suspicious to me , so I just kept strolling along , pulling my cart behind me . I had set Clancy out on the sidewalk with his leash attached and he was trotting along beside me . Bless his little heart ! behind me , and opened the door for me . I turned to look at him , questioningly . It had been awhile since that had happened . I was that surprised when I saw who it was . " Ulp . . . oh , hi , Looie . Yeah , imagine that , " I gulped out . " Well , since we 're here , let 's go on in and find us a little corner for a chat , okay ? " The Lieutenant headed for an empty booth in the back of the room , moving along beside me in a protective manner . I had a feeling I was in for it , for sure . " Er . . . ah . . . I 'm not very thirsty , but I guess I could maybe drink a root beer , if we have ta order somethin ' , " I stammered . I had begun to recover my wits , and believe me , he had really scattered them , coming up behind me that way . The Looie ordered himself a cup of coffee , and a root beer for me . Then he turned to me with a look of chagrin on his tired face . " AnnaBee , do you remember how your Billy and I used to go fishing when I could get the time off ? You would pack us a lunch and sometimes you would even go with us . But mostly , it was just Billy and me . " " Yes , I remember . He used to say you were like the son we never had , and of course , I agreed with him . We always enjoyed havin ' you come over and spend time with us . He always told me he 'd trust you with anything he had . " to me . How do you think it would make me feel if you came down here in this muck and mire and got yourself killed . You don 't normally frequent this part of town ; you don 't know the vermin that live in this place . Some of them would just as soon hit you over the head as to look at you . You can 't keep doing this kind of thing , AnnaBelle . Please , would you just leave the detecting to us ? " Well , when the Looie turned those green eyes on me , and gave me that little sermonette , I felt lower than a snake 's belly . I knew he had promised my Billy that he would look after me , and I knew I needed to get out of this part of town . I 'd just have to get my answers in a different way , if I could think of a safe one . Should I show him the threatening note I had received a little earlier ? Nah , it would just worry him more , bless his heart . " Okay , Mike . I promise I 'll leave this part of town alone . I wasn 't pickin ' up much info anyway . I did find out , though , that one of Willie 's friends had come inta a bunch of money , but I don 't know which one . Listen , I 'm goin ' ta see Lucy on Friday evenin ' and see if maybe I can get her to come out with me for awhile , and have supper with me . Do ya think that 'd be okay ? Should I kinda ask her a few questions about the school , now that she 's been there for a week ? " " That would be okay , I guess , but be careful . Listen , bring her to the Mission for supper and I 'll just casually stop by and I can ask her a few innocent questions about how she is getting along and how she likes working there and so on . Okay ? " " Right , Looie . I 'm apologizin ' right now for puttin ' you to so much worry . I promise to stay outta trouble as much as I can , okay ? And I 'll stay outta this part a ' town , too . It does kinda ' give me the creeps ta be wanderin ' around down here , don 't cha know ? " Looking around , I noticed a fellow over at the bar giving us a little more attention than I thought we deserved . He saw me observing him , and quickly turned his head to look at his watch , and as though remembering an appointment he had to keep , he got up and threw some money on the bar , and left . That fellow was quite dirty looking , with a scruffy beard , and wearing old jeans , topped by a hooded jacket like these hip - hop singers wear . He had a do - rag wrapped around his head . Could that be the fellow who had sent me the threat ? I felt my face turn several shades of grey , as I sat there thinking about the threatening note . " Okay , Annie , tell me what has happened to you . What were you just thinking about ? You 're looking kind of sick , all of a sudden . Did you eat something that didn 't agree with you while ago at that greasy spoon ? " " Uh . . . yeah . . . that could be it . . . yeah , yeah . I think maybe we need to leave , so I can get back to the Mission and rest . Maybe I could sit in Pastor Joe 's office and rest a while . " Come on , Clancy . Let 's go , little buddy . " I grabbed my cart and Clancy 's leash and stood up while the Lieutenant left some money on the booth table for the waitress . As we passed the bar , the bartender called me over and handed me a piece of paper . Uh oh ! Another threatening note ? " What was that he gave you ? " questioned the Looie . " Let me see that , please ! " Reluctantly , I handed it over to him . Opening it gently , he unfolded it carefully . " Been swiming latly ? Rember , I told ya . It kin be dedly . " he read aloud . " What is this , AnnaBelle ? What is it ? What does it mean ? " I looked at it as he held it out , but not letting me touch it again , I replied , " Well , for one thing , it means he can 't spell fer beans . Another thing , it is the mate to another note I got while I was in the greasy spoon diner . I reckon maybe I am steppin ' on somebody 's toes . " " Oh , and you weren 't going to tell me about the other note , I suppose ? Where is it ? At least I can have them both fingerprinted . Maybe the fingerprints are in the system . " I handed the other note over to him and he put them both in a a little plastic bag , then into his pocket . " Let 's get out of here ; we 're drawing attention that we don 't need , " stated the Lieutenant . " My car is over here across the street . You and Clancy get in , please , and I 'll put your cart in beside you . We need to take a little trip down to the station house . " When we got to the station , the Looie helped me out of the car and we walked up the steps and into the building . The sergeant at the desk , observing our progress , quipped , " Oh , oh . . . Lieutenant , are you bringing in Public Enemy No . One ? Has she been out running over old people with her cart ? " " Yeah , I gotta take her back here and give her a going over with a rubber hose and put her under the bright lights . She 's been giving me all kinds of back talk , " the Looie joked . At least , I hoped he was joking . Nah , I knew he was , actually . We made our way back to what I knew was the " booking section " of the station house . I had been in and out of this place enough to know something about the way it was set up . Lt . Mike Shannon took me back to a desk and took out a black ink pad , with orders to me to give him my hand , which I did . He then proceeded to take my fingerprints . " Now , you go clean your hands , Nancy Drew , and then come back in here . We have some more talking to do . " Hmmm . Maybe he was going to shine the " third degree " lights on me . Did they even do that any more ? While I was in the restroom , I used the facilities , and then washed my hands . Looking at my reflection in the mirror , I noticed that I was looking a little grungy and fluffed my hair with my fingers , and washed my face with some paper towels . When I got back to the booking area , Mike took me to one of the rooms that had the two way mirror . Oh NO ! I was in an interview room and he was going to question me ! Was he going to book me , too ? " Can I bring Clancy back here with me ? He gets nervous when he 's not with me . " " Okay , sure . Here , boy , stay with AnnaBelle . " He whistled for Clancy to come in . He indicated one of the chairs at the table and then placed a tablet and pen in front of me . He was going to take my statement ? I couldn 't believe it ! I was being interviewed like a common criminal ! Then what ? " Okay , start talking , Ms . AnnaBelle Chasteen . " He turned on a small tape recorder and said , " For the record , please state your name , then tell me everything that has happened today . Please don 't leave anything out of your statement . " I started talking , and told him everything I had done that day , and tried not to leave anything out . Was he going to arrest me for interfering in police business ? What was going to happen to me ? Posted by Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! 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I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Author 's Notes : This fic is dedicated to all those who have a soul mate in their life . Soul mates are not always who you love and end up in a marriage with . Sometimes they can be the person that you consider a best friend and can 't see living without them . I lost a person who I consider a soul mate to Cystic Fibrosis . She was my cheerleader in everything that I did and stood up with me as Maid of Honor at my wedding , even though with her health she probably shouldn 't have . After spending the afternoon crying after making a stuffed Makar ( From Legend of Zelda : The Wind Waker ) from felt , I finally healed a lot more from her death . I have finally reached a point where I can smile when talking about her . Today is her birthday and I couldn 't find a better day to post this . This one is for you Lauren . Draco stood beside the grave location where he knew she would be buried . It was where she had wanted to be buried . Her family had disowned her when she had not married as they saw fit , in fact she had never married . From then on , she had been with him . His partner in everything except his bed . Her death had been a shock that he was sure he would not be able to endure . He leaned over and touched the stone . He traced where her name was engraved . He had spared no expense in her funeral . He had been receiving condolences from much of the Wizarding World . There was one , in it all that , he had not heard from , the one that he wanted to hear from the most . It wasn 't fair that she should be the first to die . She had climbed so high after the Battle of Hogwarts . She had been the first to step out of the shadow cast by Slytherin house and into the sun . All with the help of Harry Potter . She had pushed herself into his life and pulled Draco with her . " The first time I laid my eyes on you I knew . We 'd spend this life side by side . I still feel the same though you 're so far away . Minutes and hours and years may go by , but my heart knows nothing of time . So don 't cry , just keep me right there in your dreams . And hold on to these words of mine . " Draco heard the voice behind him , singing , and turned . There stood Harry holding a dozen roses . The roses themselves were white with the tips colored black . In the center was one blood red rose . " Of course . Pansy was your soul mate , Draco . I couldn 't leave you alone at a time like this . I know that I took a while to get here . I had some things to take care of . I had Kreacher move my things to the guest wing of the Manor . I stopped by the Parkinson 's . They are not coming and stated they are not paying for anything and that she will not be buried with the rest of the family . I told them we didn 't expect them to come , we are covering everything , and Pansy will be laid to rest where she wanted to be . On a hill overlooking the Manor , the only home she felt loved at . Mr . Parkinson took offense to that and slapped me . I went there to get the last of her things . Her grandmother was very helpful . I put her things in her room at the Manor . " " She was my soul mate , Harry . I have been so full of grief . Lovegood has been planning the entire funeral . She has done so well at it . No one knew where you were . " Harry didn 't say anything just laid the roses on the top of the gravestone . As he stepped back , Draco dropped to his knees . Harry watched as Draco 's shoulders started to shake . He had no words for Draco . Nothing to make him feel better . Draco would let him know when he was needed . A light rain started as the minutes ticked by . Finally , Draco reached his hand out . Harry pulled Draco to his feet and led him back inside the Manor . He left Draco in his own bedroom while he helped the House Elves prepare for the funeral at sundown . He had already cried his tears when he got her letter two days before . He needed to be there for Draco right now . " He can . With you . " Luna gave him a soft smile but said nothing else . Luna put some fruit on a plate and then smiled at Harry again before leaving the kitchen . Harry stayed there helping the Elves until a little before the guests were to arrive . Harry left the kitchens and quickly dressed in a tailor made suit of his . It was another thing that had kept him away so long . The suit itself was blood red . Pansy 's favorite color on Harry . The dress shirt underneath was stark white with black buttons . He knew that he was going to stand out but that was what he wanted . The funeral was going to be a closed affair but he was sure that reports were going to get pictures from afar . He was sure that Luna had gotten some suit like it for Draco . He wasn 't wrong . When Harry finally made it outside where everyone was , Draco was in a suit that was the perfect Slytherin green . Pansy 's favorite color for him to wear . His shirt was also white with black buttons . Harry stepped up behind Draco and put an arm around his shoulder . Draco didn 't pause in his talking or even look at Harry just kept talking to the man . Once the conversation was finished and the man stepped away , Draco looked at Harry . Draco just smiled . Ten minutes later , Lucius and Narcissa made their entrance . Both were dressed in white , Lucius a white suit and Narcissa a flowing gown of white . Both were beautiful and ethereal . Draco immediately went to them and Harry let him have the time with his parents . " You look good , Harry . " a voice said from behind . Harry quickly turned to find Ron and Hermione standing there . Ron had been the one to speak . Hermione was pregnant . Harry almost turned away to leave but he stopped . This was not the place to have it out . " Thank you , Ron . You both are looking well . Hermione , you are glowing . " Harry shook Ron 's hand and then pulled Hermione 's up to his mouth and kissed the back of it . Hermione gave him a funny look . Harry smiled and nodded before turning away with Draco to start the trip to the hill . The priest was already there and ready to go . The service was an hour before her coffin was placed in the ground . The coffin was the deepest shade of red . Harry knew from her letter that she had left a letter for Draco detailing the outfit she was to be buried in , along with the coffin she wanted . He also knew what was coming next . He turned to find the small radio that had been charmed to play one song . It was inside a glass case that sat atop her gravestone . The priest flicked his wand at it and it started to play . Harry didn 't listen to the words at first . He was focusing on Draco . The rest of the crowd didn 't matter . Just Draco . When he was sure that Draco wasn 't going to break down , Harry started to listen to the music . " Forever love . I promise you , someday we 'll be together . Forever love . I won 't give up , no matter what . I 'll be waiting for you . Forever love . Love is the road to our destiny . Nothing can change what is meant to be . Forever Love . Forever love . Oh , I won 't give up . No matter what . I 'll be waiting for you . Forever love . I 'll be waiting for you . Forever love . Forever Love . " The entire crowd was silent as the song finished . Harry could feel Draco shaking but he hadn 't lost it completely . Harry looked around until he found Narcissa and Luna . He nodded at both of them to let them know that they were leaving . Draco couldn 't take anymore . Leading Draco through the grounds and then into the Manor was like leading a child . Draco would have let him do anything to him and Harry knew it . He pushed Draco into his own bedroom and then helped him down into his boxers before laying him down and covering him up . Draco didn 't say anything , just curled up under the blankets more . Harry cast a Nox on the lights and shut the door , locking it from outside . When he got back down to the area they were holding the small gathering after the service he found that everyone had moved inside . Ron and Hermione were talking with Luna so Harry moved over to Lucius and Narcissa . Lucius was as stoic as ever but Harry could see the pain in his eyes . Narcissa 's eyes were red from crying and she wasn 't trying to hide it . She pulled Harry into a hard embrace before letting him go . " Come , Cissa . I think it is time that we made our good night rounds . Harry , please make sure that the guests leave at a reasonable hour . " " I will . " Harry smiled as Lucius lead Narcissa around the room saying their good nights . Luna attached herself to Harry as the guests started to leave . Around midnight all of the guests but Ron and Hermione were gone . Luna had kept them far from him and was seeing them out herself . Harry looked around the room and saw that the House Elves were already starting to clean and had been keeping it pretty clean all along . " No , Mr . and Mrs . Malfoy were kind enough to let me stay here tonight . I will take care of everything . You go check on Draco . " Harry nodded and gave her a kiss on the cheek before he went upstairs . Draco was still in the same position as he had been and only moved when Harry entered . He looked above the covers and then went back under . Harry watched the blankets move , indicating that Draco heard him . Harry left the door open but left the room . He quickly settled down in his new bedroom . He left his door open as well . It wasn 't long before he felt his bed dip . Harry rolled over and pulled Draco to him . Draco settled down quickly and was asleep in seconds , Harry followed soon after . Harry heard the noise outside his room . It wasn 't Draco because he was lying next to him in the bed . He heard the voices move down the hall so he quickly threw on his jeans and shirt from the day before and then quietly stepped outside the room . " No , he needs to shoulder this . I think it would be good for him . He needs a reason to live . He slips into Harry 's room every night . I watch them sometimes . Harry is still in love with him but Draco , he is so lost he can 't even tell . " " I see Harry slipping away . The Weasley family has not visited him once and they know that he lives here . They still cannot forgive him for falling for Draco . " " Draco will see it in the room , Cissa . Harry will see it the next time that he goes to Grimmauld Place . It will be better to hear it from us than seeing it on a bloody family tree tapestry . " " He is still sleeping . Why don 't we move into another part of the house ? " Harry asked before turning around and starting for the kitchens . Lucius and Narcissa followed quickly and the House Elves already had a cup of coffee ready for Harry when he entered . " Thank you , Mizzy . Can you go watch Draco for me ? " Harry asked politely . Mizzy nodded and then popped away . Lucius was seated down at the table while Narcissa was putting a plate of food together . " What is so important ? " Harry was happy that he didn 't have coffee in his mouth when Lucius said those words . He turned his face back and forth between the two older adults and saw that they were not joking . He stood up and practically ran to the tapestry room . There in fine script out from Draco 's name was the name Scorpius listing the mother as Pansy Parkinson . What was odd though was there was another name out from Pansy 's and that was his own . From his and her names another name was on the tapestry , Corvus Severus . " Because they share a mother . It will list all of Pansy 's children and who she had them with . Still that name was not on this tapestry just a little while ago . " Lucius was standing at the threshold of room . " Harry , its best you go and try to figure this out . Head to St . Mungo 's , I have a feeling these children will have just been born . Once the children have lived for twenty four hours then their birth dates will be added . We can 't wait that long . Go . We will care for Draco . " Harry entered St . Mungo 's and found a young witch waiting on him . He knew her . It was Daphne Greengrass . She smiled when she saw him but then looked behind him and frowned . Daphne turned and started walking towards the lift . Harry followed her and since she wasn 't acting talkative , Harry kept his mouth shut . Finally , the lift stopped and Daphne stepped off . Harry followed in silence as Daphne led them to the maternity ward . She stopped outside a room and ushered Harry into the room . Harry entered and found Astoria sitting on a bed with a bassinet on either side of her . She looked tired but good . A tiny baby was in her arms . " Oh my god . Harry come inside and shut the door . The door is spelled to make it so that outside of the children crying , no sound can be heard from outside the room , when the door is shut that is . " Harry stepped inside and shut the door . Daphne moved to the bed and took the child from Astoria 's arms ; Harry was surprised when instead of laying the child in the bassinet she brought him over to Harry . Harry knew the child was his the moment he laid eyes on it . It had Pansy 's face but it was his eyes and his hair . " I never asked that from her . The money came from her vaults , or what was left of them . I promised to keep the pregnancy a secret and no one knew that I was except for Daphne . " " I can 't help you there . She never told me where she got the names from . Corvus Severus . That is an odd name for a child of yours . " " It was a wish of mine . If I ever adopted that was what I wanted the child to be called . I know that Scorpius Hyperion was what Draco was going to name his son . Pansy knew us so well . I don 't know if Draco is ready for this . " " He will be . That is what Pansy told me . She said that by the time that I had the boys , Draco would be ready . " Astoria gave Harry a big smile and Harry felt his mood lift . Pansy 's last two gifts were the gifts of a life for Draco and a future for Harry . Harry heard the yell from across the station . He turned and saw three heads . Two small heads , one pale blond and the other dark black , stop and turned while the other bigger pale blond one start to scan the crowd . Harry raised his hand and waved it . Draco pointed his hand in his direction and the two eleven - year - olds turned to Harry and started to run to him . Harry caught both of them and gave them a great big hug . Everyone in the train station started to give them a very wide berth . Harry was happy . " I was not . " Scorpius tilted his head in a manner so close to the same disdain that his father had displayed many years ago . Harry had to laugh at him . He reached out and ruffled the pale blonde hair . Scorpius dodged out of reach while Corvus still held him . Scorpius started to run his fingers through his hair to straighten it but he had a smile on his face . Harry looked up at Draco and saw behind him Ron and Hermione with their kids . Draco followed his eyes and Harry saw the small grimace on Draco 's face . Harry knew why . He had not spoken to Ron and Hermione unless they met at a function and exchanged niceties since Pansy 's funeral over eleven years before . Harry saw that they were seeing off their daughter , Rose . We made the decision two years ago that we had duties to attend . We had to stay apart for the world 's sake . I needed an heir for my family . After all the disappointments I had given them , I had to give them that . You were the Golden Boy and you had the role to fill . Marry your best friend 's sister , become an Auror , and then maybe run for Minister . Not run away with a Death Eater , and a male one at that . So , I made you the promise I would wait for you . My marriage contract dissolves the day my first child goes to Hogwarts . Astoria knows this . She agreed when we signed it . This is the last thing you will hear from me until we are friends in public again . It is the night before my wedding to her . She will have the best that life can offer for as long as she is with me . After that she will live in a flat in London . I saw the announcement about your son James Sirius in the paper . Congratulations . Draco looked at the letter once again and reread it before he handed it to his owl . Titan was his Eagle Owl he had had for years . He left quickly with the letter and Draco watched him go . After the final battle things had been different . Harry 's group of friends had let him into it while they were working on rebuilding the castle . That 's what happened over the summer . There were no trials and there was no jail time until after Hogwarts had been fixed . Then when the trials started , Draco was never summoned . He sat in fear at Manor waiting for the letter to come to tell him that he had to appear . Harry had been telling him not to worry . Draco still did . Then finally the letter arrived but it wasn 't the one he expected . The Wizengamot gave him a pardon . Due to his actions during the war he was being freed of his crimes . He had been given three months in Azkaban but his work rebuilding Hogwarts was being counted as time served . Those three months had been the best ever for him . Harry and he had become close . The past had been forgiven and Harry had never told him why or how he could forgive Draco for all he had done over the years . The Harry that went into battle was not the one that came out . The Harry that came out was battle hardened in a way that most couldn 't understand him . Those friends he had had before the Battle were still his friends but in that Battle , Draco saw the truth that was before his eyes and had been since the beginning . Harry Potter was not the Golden Boy and had never been . He heard talk of his childhood from Weasley and Granger and in that instant knew that he had made mistakes and he needed to accept that he had been a pompous ass . Harry was tired . Getting James and Albus off to school had been more tiring than he even thought it would be . Lily was back in her room pouting slightly at having to wait two years before she could go to Hogwarts . Ginny was somewhere in the house . Both had taken the day off to get the boys off to school and to console Lily . Harry saw the morning paper sitting on the table where it had not been opened . It had been too crazy that morning for him to even think about it . He quickly grabbed it and opened it . There on the front page was the announcement he had been both hoping for and dreading for years . The Daily Prophet has the exclusive on a marriage that has been lived in secret for years . Rarely seen out together , Draco and Astoria announced they are ending their twelve - year marriage . Neither was available for comments but their lawyers shed some light on the subject . There were prenuptial agreements made by both parties . They stipulate that upon the day of their oldest child going to Hogwarts the marriage was to be null and void . Both parties agreed when they were married . Draco will be staying in Malfoy Manor with his parents and Astoria will be living in a flat of her choice in London . It seems that as long as she lives , she will have things taken care of for her . No wonder the couple was never really seen in public , it was a marriage of arrangement and not one of love . Harry sighed in relief . Draco was free now . Harry was very close to being free . There were only a few papers left to sign . Harry and Ginny 's marriage had been one of convenience for years . After Albus had been born , Harry had taken in Teddy because Andromeda had taken ill and could not raise the four - year - old boy anymore . This had strained the relationship . He had loved Ginny at one point but her love of him had not been unconditional . When they had James it had been wonderful . Albus came along and Ginny didn 't want to raise two kids on her own . Harry had taken a desk job at that point so he could be home more often . Molly took care of the kids during the day but Ginny still didn 't want to raise them . Then , Teddy came along . From then on Ginny slept in another room on the bottom floor of the Manor they lived in . Harry and the kids were on the second floor . Lily had been a surprise a year later , both Ginny and Harry had been drunk and it was the last time they had ever had sex . A knock on the kitchen window alerted Harry he had an owl waiting on him . Harry went to the window and opened it . The owl dropped off its parcel and didn 't wait for a treat before flying off . Harry looked at the plain brown parcel a few seconds before opening it . It was the final divorce papers . All they had to do was sign them . " Ginny , the papers are here ! " Harry yelled up the stairs . He waited a few seconds and was rewarded with the sound of two sets of feet on the stairs . Ginny appeared and a few steps behind her was Lily . " Sure , honey . We had been hoping they would arrive before your brother went to school . " Ginny sat down and pulled Lily onto her lap . Harry pulled out the papers and looked at them . He read through them page by page while the girls sat and watched . " Strange isn 't it ? " Ginny asked . She picked up a quill and started to sign on all the places that were marked for her . When she was done she handed Harry the quill and then he signed the papers . They didn 't hate each other they just weren 't in love anymore and they were sick of acting like they were for society . Hours and hours had been spent discussing this change as a family . Ginny would keep the manor . Harry had only ever moved there because Ginny had wanted to . Harry and the kids would move into Grimmauld Place . It was in much better shape and Harry visited Kreacher there a lot . Kreacher would be glad to have someone live there full time . " Lily , we discussed this . There will be a lot of grownup talk and you shouldn 't be around for it . I promise we will take you over to see them soon . Now be good and don 't act up for Zabo . " Lily crossed her arms and started to pout . Harry and Ginny stood up , kissed her on the head , and then left . She would pout for a while but they didn 't have time to deal with her little tantrum . Apparition to The Burrow took no time at all and in just a few minutes they were seated at the kitchen table with tea in cups in hand . Neither Harry nor Ginny wanted to start the conversation . They knew that it was going to disappoint her parents and cause them pain . They both loved them too much . " Everyone could tell you two have not been in love for several years . It was very evident and even Rose and Hugo have asked about it . We didn 't want to bring it up at all because we didn 't want hard feelings and you two don 't seem to hate each other , you have just grown apart . We knew that you would tell us when the time was right and you both had accepted it . " " Who is she ? " Ginny asked after Harry had fully moved out of the Manor the day after the kids had gone to school . It hadn 't taken much at all . He was there to change the wards around and to show Ginny how to permit people to come and go from the house . " What do you mean ? " Harry looked at his now ex - wife . The Manor was Unplottable so there were no reporters waiting for words from them as they stepped outside . Instead they were camped outside the Ministry to talk to him . Ginny was safe . She was a reporter herself so they just ambushed her at work . Harry was not looking forward to going to work . " I deluded myself for years , Harry . I know that you fell in love with someone else that summer after the war . I didn 't want to believe it until talking with George and Charlie . They have known for all these years but felt you didn 't want to be with that person . I should know who she is so that when you go to her , I can react better to the press . " " I was scared . The world would have torn us away from each other . Believe me Ginny , I love my children and I have never thought about what life would have been if I never had gone with you . I can 't imagine that . The world wouldn 't have been ready for us then and they might not be ready for us now but I don 't care now . " " Because he just divorced his wife . " Harry waited while what he said sunk into her mind . Ginny looked at him to see if he was joking . Harry watched as it dawned on her face that he was not joking and then again that she knew whom it was . " He was different . Gone was the Draco from school . This Draco was real . He wasn 't bound by anything anymore . He didn 't have to be the Heir of Malfoy . He was the Malfoy family now it and it was his to shape . He apologized for much that he did . Seeing he made the conclusions about me and mine based on nothing at all . " " She saved my life and lied to Voldemort . I could not see her sent to jail after that . They were both happy to be rid of Lucius so we made sure he stayed away . Give Draco a chance , Ginny . You will like him . He is funny . " Harry hugged her and was about to leave when an owl flew in the window . It dropped its letter on the kitchen table and then flew away again . Harry knew the writing . It was from Albus . I am enjoying school very much . I made everyone promise not to tell you which house I am and even convinced Headmistress McGonagall not to tell you . I want you to know that I have broken a family tradition ; I am the first of Weasley blood not to be in Gryffindor . The Sorting Hat did give me a choice . I made a friend on the train and he was sorted before me . If he is in Slytherin then it can 't be that bad and the Hat put me there . I want you to break it to grandfather . He will be crushed but one of us had to do it and I think Lily will be in Ravenclaw . " He seems happy with the Hat 's choice . I am sure he will bring the house the positive attention that it needs after the War . You are still breaking it to my father . " Tomorrow came too quickly for Harry . He was all moved into Grimmauld Place and now it was time to go to work . Arthur was waiting on him in the outer area of his office . " I see . Molly and I had wondered . We heard him talking to a garden snake once . He was convincing it that it didn 't want to live in our garden because if it stayed then it would be killed . It left our garden and never came back . I never told my daughter because I saw how much she hated it when you and Parseltongue were brought up . " " I suggest that you proclaim Albus 's house choice yourself . Don 't let the paper get a jump on it . Be proud . I am sure that he will bring the House a lot of good . " " My son . " A voice said . Harry looked up and saw Draco Malfoy standing in the doorway . He was dressed not in robes but in a jumper and slacks . Harry waved him in . When Harry looked back at Arthur , Arthur was staring at Draco in wonder . Harry wanted to jump up and run to Draco but he restrained himself . This neither the time nor the place , because Arthur was in the room and reporters running around the Ministry . Harry looked back at Draco and saw in his eyes that he was just as excited for what was to come . Harry gave him a knowing smile . Arthur was almost to the door and he turned back . " Mr . Malfoy , I wanted to let you know that if you break Harry 's heart . They won 't be able to convict us because they won 't find your body and no one would fess up . " " We expect you for dinner tonight night , Harry and bring Draco . Ginny has decided that you can keep the regular night and she will come on Thursdays . I guess they are changing her work schedule and she will be working Tuesday nights now . " Arthur left before he could see the look of fear on Draco 's face . Harry laughed but didn 't get up . Draco sat down in the chair Arthur had just left and smiled as he watched Harry work . Once he was done looking at his messages Harry wrote a few words down on a piece of paper and attached it to the leg of the owl in his office . " How do you want to do this ? The paper ran my story this morning about our marriage . It ran yours two days ago . How long until you want them to find out about us ? " " Fred , George , and Charlie already know about you . I am sure that Hermione will break it to Ron nicely when she tells him . Ginny will have told her . Bill will be fine with it . The only one to worry about is Percy and he can just live with it . " Harry stood up and moved around his desk . Draco stood up from his chair and stepped up to him . Draco reached out and touched Harry 's face , lightly . Harry reached out and did the same to him . " I should get back to work . Lily will be at Molly 's until we get done with dinner . I will ring you when I am done here and we can meet at Grimmauld Place . " Its two weeks after the first dinner with Molly and Arthur that Harry received the letter . It was old and Harry could tell that it had been read several times because of the crease marks . Harry knew the letter on sight without ever having to open it . Harry hadn 't laid his eyes on the letter in years and was looking at it in his mind right now . Comparisons are easily done once you 've had a taste of perfection . Like an apple hanging from a tree , I picked the ripest one . I still got the seed . You said move on . Where do I go ? I guess second best is all I will know . She kissed my lips , I tasted your mouth . She pulled me in , I was disgusted with myself . Cause when I 'm with her , I am thinking of you . Thinking of you . What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night . Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes . How do I get better once I 've had the best . You said there 's tons of fish in the water , so the waters I will test . You 're the best and yes I do regret . How I could let myself let you go . Now the lesson 's learned , I touched it I was burned . Oh won 't you walk through and bust in the door and take me away . Oh no more mistakes . Cause in your eyes I 'd like to stay … It 's a day like that when Harry looks at his son , ten years later , standing at the alter getting married that he reads the letter . Draco is beside him and they both stare at the altar . Draco 's hand is wrapped around one of Harry 's and in the other hand is the letter . Harry Potter stepped up to his house and set his key in the lock only to have a noise behind him turn quickly and draw his wand . Standing there were three Aurors . Harry didn 't know their names off hand but he recognized two of them . He smiled and started to wave when he noticed that their wands were raised at him in a defensive manner . Harry looked at him in shock but nodded his head . He dropped his wand to the ground along with the bag slung around his shoulder . The other two Aurors stepped up to him and one picked up the wand while the other took the bag . The lead Auror cast a few spells and Harry found that his magic was bound as was his mouth and he was under a slight compulsion charm . Harry knew it was the normal routine for people who could be deemed dangerous . What the Aurors didn 't know was that he knew who to cast wordless and wandless spells . Still he wasn 't going to run because it had to be a mistake . Harry was happy for one thing and one thing only , he wasn 't taken to Azkaban . He was instead taken to a smaller jail built in London after the end of the war . He was placed in the high risk cell and left alone for the rest of the night . No one came to see him and he was worried about that . Harry woke after a restless night . He hadn 't slept that bad since he and Ron and Hermione had been on the run . He looked around his cell and found a letter on the floor . He opened it and read it . Since your wife is using your regular lawyer , I have taken it upon myself to represent you . I have been working on your case since the day she filed . Please keep your mouth shut and wait to hear from me . Harry read the letter again but was unsure of what was going on . Ginny was the reason that he was in jail ? He couldn 't believe that . He had been gone two weeks and it seemed the world went to shit in that two weeks . He had been in the jungles of South America doing gathering of plants for his potions business . Some of the plants he needed were easier for him to gather and transport back than pay the company . He had been out of owl range and therefore been incommunicado for the two weeks . Still , why would Ginny have him put in jail ? A knock on his cell door had Harry sitting down on the bed and waiting while the door was opened . One of the Aurors from the night before entered with a plate of food . Since he was still under a silencing charm , he couldn 't speak and the Auror didn 't say a word until he was almost out the door . " Your court date in his three hours . I hope you are ready for it . " He shut the cell door hard and Harry could hear him down the hall . He was nearly drug throughout the entire trip into the courtrooms , barely able to keep his feet under him . When he was shoved hard into a chair he was grateful . The bag was not pulled off of his head . " This court stands by the earlier decision . The money in the Potter vault is from Mr . Potter 's business and since in the pre - nuptial agreement it stated that she was to never receive any of that money unless Mr . Potter died , there was no reason that Mrs . Potter should touch that . The courts decided that the money in the joint vault would be enough to sustain Mrs . Potter throughout this trial . Mrs . Potter has never put money into Mr . Potter 's business and therefore has no right to it as well . " " Yes , well that was him and this is me . I want that removed and I want the spells that were cast on him removed as well . We can bind him in the chair if Mrs . Potter feels that she is in danger . " " Finite Incantatum . " Harry turned and found that the three Aurors from the night before were standing around him . He felt on grab a wrist and then another did and his hands were bound . A second later , a band was strapped around his head and he had to look forward . He couldn 't see behind him . " Mr . Potter 's solicitor owled me this morning and told me he would be late . I gave him the leeway since he actually has not had the chance to speak to his client . Instead , I want to go over your statement , Mrs . Potter . " The judge looked at Harry . " I want you to hold your tongue , Mr . Potter . When your solicitor arrives , you will be given leave to speak . I know that this has to be strange for you . Mrs . Potter please describe your testimony again . " " I was in the living room when Harry walked in . He was getting ready to leave for his trip to South America . I couldn 't wait for him to be gone so that I could divorce him . I couldn 't stand him anymore . I was going to move into an apartment and not let him know where I was . The children were going to live with me . Harry threw a shirt at me and then slapped me . " " He screamed that he couldn 't believe that his clothes were not clean for his trip . He grabbed my arm and threw me to the ground . I felt my arm shatter at the force of it . I don 't remember much except that I woke up after he had left me the next morning on the floor . I could barely move . I sent a Patronus off to my brother and he came to get me . " " Just this , this man was taken from outside him home for a crime that he may or may not be guilty of . He was given no chance to speak to a solicitor and his case was rushed through the courts . His wife tried to access his accounts at Gringotts . This could turn into a fiasco . I noticed that Mrs . Potter wanted him put into Azkaban to sit before his trial . I am glad that didn 't happen . The press would have a field day with it . " " Witnesses for the defense , " a voice said . Harry knew that he knew the voice but he couldn 't place it . " I have Lord Bleness from Scotland , he is the world 's foremost expert on memories and their manipulation as well as Lord Overton from France who is a expert on wounds and how they are gotten . I am sorry that they were not given as witnesses but they were just able to make it today . " Harry closed his eyes . Draco Malfoy was his solicitor . It was making sense . Mr . Bromley was the regular solicitor for them but since it was Ginny against him … he needed a new one . Only Draco would take that job on . There was the other thing that Draco had been doing for him as well . " Mr . Bromley , I am getting sick of this . This is not a kangaroo court . I will not have the courts of England drug through the mud because of a wife wanting to get back at her husband . Mr . Malfoy , you said that you had two pieces of evidence that you would like to enter before you let your witnesses talk ? " " Yes , Your Honor . The first is a very sensitive matter that Mr . Potter had me look into for him . As you know the Potter 's youngest , Lily went to Hogwarts this year . Several months before , Mrs . Potter revealed to her husband that she was pregnant . The child was stillborn at just three months along . The child was interred with the rest of the Potter 's at a quiet ceremony . " " I was given DNA from Albus Severus Potter , James Sirius Potter , Lily Luna Potter , and Harry James Potter to compare it to . I have the results here in my hand . The child only carries half of the DNA of the three children and none of the DNA of Harry Potter . Instead the paternal side of the DNA does not match DNA that St . Mungo 's has access to . " " When Mrs . Potter was examined at St . Mungo 's a rape kit was done just to be safe . There was older semen present from earlier in the day . They did not run it at the time . I had it run just yesterday and had St . Mungo 's compare it to two samples . It was run against Harry Potter 's and the dead child . It was a match . . " " Yes , Sir . Since this affair was started long before this court case was even brought up , the marriage is null and void according to the pre - nuptial agreement that Mrs . Potter signed . This means that she gets one fourth of the joint vault they have and has given up right to the kids . Visitation will of course be set up after this trial and the children are spoken to . " " Yes , well you have in front of you a set of papers that document the injuries that Mrs . Potter has sustained over the past year based on her scans at St . Mungo 's . Lord Overton states that Mrs . Potter has not sustained abuse over a long period as she has stated . She shows no history of it . Also the broken arm she sports it not from a fall but a blunt object that was repeatedly brandished against her arm . There are impact points on several spots on her arm . " " I was already prepping your divorce papers and Gringotts knew this . The Goblins were more than happy to give me what I wanted . They didn 't like what she was doing . " " We will show them . She has a faked memory . I am sorry you had to go through this and I can 't release you from these bindings but this won 't take long . She will be lucky to escape this without some jail time herself . " " Astoria went to Hogwarts herself and explained what was going on . All three of them don 't understand where this is coming from . You never raised a hand to them so they can 't believe that you would hurt Ginny like that . I got a hold of some DNA illegally , Harry . The judge who was supposed to sit over this was the father . " " When we leave today we are going to Hogwarts . McGonagall is expecting us and the kids will be pulled from class . I also wanted to let you know that Astoria and I finally signed the annulment agreements for a divorce . Since Scorpius is doing fine at school , we figured it was finally time . Soon , Harry . Soon . " Harry just wanted to see his kids . He felt the tug of side along Apparition and within seconds he was standing inside Hogsmeade . He looked around and saw McGonagall waiting for them at the edge of the small town . Harry didn 't know what to expect . He hadn 't seen the kids since they had went to school in September and now to face them after they had to have heard all the lies that Ginny had spread . He just didn 't know what to expect . What he got was four children running to him with arms wide open . Four ? He only had three . He found amid the black and red hair , a head with pale blond hair . " Mr . Malfoy is under the impression that his father is hopelessly in love with Mr . Potter and now that he and Miss Weasley are divorced , they can be together . I will leave you all to discuss this among family . Just come to the kitchens when you are ready and they will feed you all dinner . I will let the professors know where the Potters and Mr . Malfoy are so they are not worried . " " Albus is always talking about how Mr . Potter is miserable with Mrs . Potter . Albus , James , and Lily don 't like the new house at all . They want to come live with Mother and Father at the Manor with their father . It would make everyone happy . Mrs . Potter could stay at the nasty house by herself . " Summary : Steve Rogers has been happy teaching in Hogwarts . His life has been easy and normal . That is until Tony Stark comes back to Hogwarts and takes over the job as professor of Inventive Magic and Head of House of Slytherin . Steve remembers that Tony made being at Hogwarts horrible for Steve back when they had went to school together . Now they had to work together ? " Professor Malfoy will be stepping down as Head of Slytherin house due to his and Professor Potter 's upcoming childbirth , " Headmistress Minerva McGonagall spoke . Steve Rogers looked over at the two professor 's mentioned and smiled at them . Steve had seen their surrogate just the other day when she had stopped in . She lived in Hogsmeade and stopped by on a regular basis . She was getting rather large and Steve noticed it was hard for her to move around . " Also as all of you know , Professor Weasley left us at the end of term to explore other options . Professor Rogers will be taking over as Head of Gryffindor House . Her class of Inventive Magic will be taken over by Tony Stark . Who will also take over as Head of Slytherin . " Steve felt his blood run cold . He remembered his childhood at the school with Tony there . Steve had been two years under him and from the moment that he had got to know Tony one day at a Quidditch match , he had been in love . Tony had never seen him though . Steve had been scrawny back then . Tony had rarely seen anyone at the school . It had been the whole letdown of the school when Tony had left at the end of his seventh year and had never found anyone that he had liked enough to go out with . It wasn 't until his final year of Hogwarts that Madame Pomfrey had found a curse placed onto him by his father before he had died from drinking . Steve had spent the next several years taking horrid potions and doing hours of exercise a day to get to where he should have been . The curse had been laid on him as a young child it seemed and was supposed to have stopped his magic but all it had done was stunt his growth physically . He wasn 't sure he was ready to see Tony again though . He knew that what he had for Tony back then wasn 't real love but a crush . Still even just thinking about Tony made Steve want to blush . The doors of the staff room bursting open made Steve jump and he turned to see Tony standing there . He was in the normal professors robes and he looked just as good as he had the last time that Steve had seen him on the last day of Tony 's last year of school . Tony eyes moved across the room and paused at all the professors for a few seconds , taking in the old and the new . His eyes stopped on Steve the longest . There was no recognition on his face but there was something there that Steve wasn 't sure what it was . Steve pulled his eyes from Tony 's to look over at Harry . Harry gave him a smile that spoke of knowledge of the situation . Harry had been a friend to Steve . During the War between the Light and Dark , Steve hadn 't known Harry Potter at all . Steve had kept to himself , his size hadn 't helped . When Harry and Draco had arrived at the school three years before , ready to take on their classes , Steve had been the first to notice that they were a couple . He had gone to Hermione to ask her and she had told him that it was the truth but for him to not mention it . It wasn 't until last year when a student had set up a prank for Harry that they had been found out . " You know , I thought at first it couldn 't be you but looking at your notes there , the doodles all around them . You grew up Rogers , " Tony said grinning at him . He stuck his hand out for Steve to shake . It was habit that Steve was able to do it . Tony 's hands were rough from manual labor and Steve wondered where the scars that he could feel all over the hand came from . During the War , he hadn 't heard of too many Slytherins sticking their necks out . Tony hadn 't done much of anything in school that would have warranted this kind of rough hands . " So you did slum , Stark , " Draco said as he walked up behind the raven haired man . Tony turned around to look at Draco and smiled . It was the same smile that used to make Steve go weak in the knees and it still did it . Harry was right behind Draco . " No , I just remember being fascinated by Rogers ' doodles during school . " Tony looped an arm around Draco 's shoulder and pulled him away from the Gryffindors and out of the room . Harry stepped up to Steve 's shoulder and bumped them together . " Is it still there ? " Harry asked his voice soft . It didn 't matter because there was no one left in the room except for them but the pictures had large ears and all they lived for was gossip . " The punch in the gut when he smiles and the way that gravity just draws you to him . " The start of term came and went . Steve fell into his new duties with an ease that he found odd . He usually obsessed over many things . Nothing was getting to him , even though he had time to think about things more . The Slytherins were the picture of propriety and he had little issue with them . Even under Draco 's rule , they had been a little unruly . At the weekly Heads of House meeting , Filius Flitwick and Pomona Sprout commented that the Slytherins were the best they had ever been and they had been Heads of their Houses for years and would know . Tony never showed up for the meetings . Filius commented that he had never shown up for any meetings ever when he had been in school , they didn 't think that he would show up for any now that he was a professor . Given that the Slytherins were behaving , they had no reason to try and force him to a meeting . It was better for Minerva to talk to him one on one than to try and do a large group . Quidditch tryouts came and that was all that Harry could talk about . He was the flying instructor and so he watched over all the tryouts as well refereeing all the matches . Steve loved watching Quidditch . He had never been able to do it as a child ; he had been too weak and sickly . When Harry had come to the school , he had taught Steve how to fly and even play the sport . Some of the classmates that Harry hung out with from their graduating year sometimes came for a pickup match and Steve joined them when he could . It was always random who would be there . Steve was watching the Gryffindor 's practice when a buzzing sound caught his ear . He had only ever heard a noise like it in Muggle London . He turned to see Tony standing up near the school with a small group of students . It was the same group that always seemed to follow Tony around . Draco called them his groupies . The group of kids ranged from all the years of kids . The aftereffect of the War was that blood status didn 't matter as much anymore . Steve could see several Muggle - borns standing with Pure Bloods and he smiled . He felt that the War was worth that . There had been much loss on all sides but at least the War changed something in the world for the better . " Professor Rogers ! You should see this , " a young first year said as she ran past Steve to head to Tony 's group . Curiosity piqued , Steve moved towards the group . He stayed at the back of the group until Tony noticed him . The other man dove into the group and grabbed Steve 's hand , pulling him to the front . Sitting there on ground was a device of some kind . It seemed to be giving off a soft , blue light . Tony pulled a device from his pocket and handed it to Steve . Steve knew what it was . It was a MP3 player for Muggles . It was one device that some Muggle - borns brought to school with them only to find out that the magic was too heavy for it to work . Tony powered down the reactor much to the protests of the students , many of whom had started to wander away . Tony moved closer and turned on the MP3 player and music started to play from the headphones attached to it . " Nonsense . I have a much better one for myself . I 'll help you with it . " Tony reached out and clasped Steve 's shoulder with a smile on his face . His sleeve fell back and Steve saw the edge of a faded black tattoo . Tony saw where his gaze was and he removed his arm , pulling his sleeve back down . Steve knew what it was . It was the same thing that was on Draco 's arm . Tony tried to clean up in a rush but he nearly dropped his reactor . Steve caught it and wouldn 't give it back . " I can get it ! " Tony hissed but Steve still didn 't let the reactor go . Tony just huffed and moved away from him at a breakneck pace . Steve had trouble keeping up at first with the weight of the reactor in his arms . Tony led him down to the rooms that he had taken over in the dungeons . It 's where Harry and Draco 's rooms were . Tony had his room down there as well as his new classroom . Minerva had thought that given Tony 's penchant for experimentation , he would be safer in the dungeons . He had heard the word explosion on more than one occasion . Tony had ended up taking over three different unused rooms in the dungeons to use as labs . " Just set it wherever . " " Tony , " Steve said but the raven haired man just ignored him . Steve wouldn 't be budged though . He just stayed where he was after he set the reactor down . Tony tried his best to ignore him and when Steve wouldn 't leave , Tony stripped off his robes to show a long sleeve shirt with some kind of Muggle music group as a logo on the front . Tony rolled up his sleeves and started to work . The Dark Mark didn 't faze him . Steve had seen plenty of his schoolmates with them after the war . It didn 't mean anything now . So many of their grade and under had been forced to take the mark by their parents . The trial of Tony Stark had been the news of the post War trials . Tony 's father , Howard Stark , had been an Unspeakable and had used Tony to get information from the Dark Lord in the final year of the War . Tony had shown the world his memories of the events leading up to him being marked . He understood why Tony was wary about people seeing it . Draco never wore sleeveless or even short sleeved shirts because of his own Mark . It had taken nearly the entire three years for Draco to even accidently let Steve see it . When Steve hadn 't freaked out , Draco had relaxed . " You have to let someone in , " Steve said when Tony finally stopped moving around the room like a madman . Tony just looked at him . He stepped closer to Steve and just kept his eyes leveled on the other man . " And you think that you are the ones , Rogers ? " Tony asked . Tony stepped closer and pulled him in for a kiss . Steve mewled when their lips pressed together . Tony smirked as he pulled away . " The boy who has had a crush on me for years ? " " Oh , you think the whole school didn 't know ? They did . The only other person more obvious than you was that Weasley girl for Harry . " " You … " Steve looked at Tony for a few seconds before he ran . He ran from the room and Tony and didn 't speak to him or even look at him for days . Draco watched as for the first time ever , Tony Stark seemed to care about someone who wasn 't himself . Tony hadn 't had the best childhood ; it was nearly as bad as Draco 's own childhood . At least , Draco 's own father hadn 't forced his own child to take the Dark Mark to spy on the Death Eaters . It had taken seeing Tony 's struggles for Draco to find Harry and beg for his help . It hadn 't taken Draco that long to find Harry and Hermione , just after Ron had left the group . Draco had been an outsider for weeks but in the end , getting them into his aunt 's vault at Gringott 's while still making it so that they could keep the sword had been worth it . Tony 's redemption had come next . The teen hadn 't known what to do when he came home to find his father butchered in the foyer . Draco and Harry had killed the Death Eater who had killed Howard but in the end , even that hadn 't been enough . Tony had almost gone to jail . If one of the other Unspeakables hadn 't come forward with knowledge that Tony had been forced , Tony would be in Azkaban . " What are you thinking about so hard ? " Harry asked coming up behind him and kissing his neck before kissing the head of the sleeping child in Draco 's arms . Scorpius was asleep and had been for nearly an hour . James was in the bassinet , where he had been asleep for nearly two hours . Their newly born twins were perfect . Annemarie was asleep in the next room , resting after breast feeding the boys . " Watching Steve moon over Tony through all of school and now to see him not able to look at Tony . What happened ? Steve talks to you more . " " Tony was his normal blunt self and threw the fact that the whole school knew about him being love with Tony in his face . Steve is a little thunderstruck from it . He can barely look you in the eye as well . Tony also kissed him . " " Really ? " Draco looked up at Harry as his husband took Scorpius form his arms to set him down with his twin in the bassinet . Harry took the baby 's place in Draco 's lap . " Steve enjoyed it but it shocked the hell out of him . I am surprised that Tony hasn 't said a word to you . " Harry gave Draco a look that said he didn 't quite believe him . " He 's being tight lipped about this little budding romance . Unlike in school . " Draco knew that Tony was acting weird , even for him . Tony was never quiet about who he was bedding or even trying to bed . This must mean that Steve was different . " I remember the stories he used to tell . Made even the seventh years blush in the Great Hall . " Harry stopped talking and leaned over to kiss Draco . Draco let himself get lost in the kiss until he heard the sound of the room door opening . Minerva was standing there looking at them . She was smiling at them but looked harried . The smile was same smile she always wore when she found them together like they were . She had never been happier for a show of House unity than when they had been found out . " We seem to have an issue . A group of seventh and sixth years from Gryffindor and Slytherin decided to lock both Tony and Steve into a closet on the third floor . I have been trying for an hour to get them out . Filius is all out of things to try and Pomona has offered to stay with the boys while you two try and get them out . " " Who did it ? " Draco asked as Harry climbed off his lap . He was glad that the sight of Minerva had stopped any reaction he had been getting to making out with his husband in his lap . Harry grabbed his robe and put it on , throwing Draco 's at him as well . It was a short run to the closet . Minerva joined them several minutes later , after making sure that Pomona got there . " I think that Tony has done too good of a job teaching his students , " Draco said with a laugh . The hall had been cordoned off and the Prefects and Head Girl and Boy were keeping the students out . Draco and Harry set out trying to break the spell . Two hours later , Steve and Tony emerged , looking no worse for the wear . Steve was blushing but anyone in close proximity to Tony for a long period was usually blushing when they were separated . Tony wanted to speak to whoever created the spell . No one stepped forward . It wasn 't until the first Hogsmeade weekend after the return from winter break that Harry noticed the change in the two men . Tony never went to the village on the weekends the students did but Steve did every single time . Except for that one . Steve stayed behind . " Keep your eyes off my Gryffindor . " It was in Tony 's scrawl . Harry handed it over to Draco who started to laugh . He thought about how Draco had talked about doing what the students had done . The blonde haired Slytherin was laughing to himself and leaned over to talk to Harry . This was going to make life at Hogwarts interesting because Tony was never happy with the status quo . He was going to push Steve in interesting ways and the school was going to be along for the ride . He just hoped the Slytherin wouldn 't do anything too outlandish . Share this : TweetShare on TumblrPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Harry Potter / Avengers . Tagged Harry Potter / Draco Malfoy , Steve Rogers / Tony Stark What Happened to Harry Potter Book 6 Summary : Harry still reels from the changes that happened over the summer and at the end of the school year . He and his friends are being trained to protect themselves . No matter what the decree for underage wizardry says . With most of Harry 's secrets bared to the world , how will he survive his sixth year at school ? Warnings : I am twisting things . Also there may be some lines from the movies but that is mainly because I found them absolutely hilarious . Graphic Depictions of Violence & Major Character Death Share this : TweetShare on TumblrPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Harry Potter . Tagged Harry Potter / Draco Malfoy , What Happened to Harry Potter The Billionaire 's Baby Summary : Draco Malfoy meets Harry Black and Harry Potter meets Dray Gotto . Draco has to keep his name a secret because the Malfoy Heir couldn 't be seen in a relationship with someone who was male much less someone who was Muggle . What Draco doesn 't know is that it really doesn 't matter . Draco is summoned home because his father is killed and he has to take his place as head of the Malfoy Family . He leaves Harry behind and leaves his heart and something else , unintended , with him as well . Draco Malfoy stared at the bed he had been pulled from just an hour before by a phone call from home . He sighed and leaned over to kiss the head of the man who was still asleep in the bed . Harry was under a sleeping spell . Draco couldn 't run the chance of the Muggle man waking and seeing magic packing Draco 's bags . He had spent a wonderful few weeks with Harry . Now that had to end . A crisis had ended Draco 's vacation in Mexico . He didn 't want to leave but he had to . His duty to his family demanded that he return home to take care of his family . Harry shifted in his sleep and the sheet dislodged from his waist . Draco could see his ass cheeks . Draco sighed as he remembered the night before . It had been so wonderful . Those memories would have to last Draco for the rest of his life . From this moment on his life would have little pleasure for him . His family 's reputation would hinge on him doing the right thing . First , he would have to find a wife . Harry Potter woke up and rolled over . His arm reached and found that the bed was cold , not the kind of cold where the other person just got up , the kind of cold that meant the person was long gone . He sat up quickly and looked around , listening hard . Dray was nowhere in the hotel room . Harry fumbled for his glasses and pulled them onto his face . He looked around and saw that all of Dray 's things were gone . Harry looked at the other side of the bed and saw a note there . Harry picked it up . I am sorry that I have to do it this way but some things have come up and I have to leave . You will not be able to find me so please don 't try . I have to take my place as the head of my family . I have loved the time we have spent together here in Mexico but I have to leave . You will forever be in my heart . I leave with you all my heart . Please take care of it . Harry closed his eyes and lay back down in bed . He curled around Dray 's pillow and cried . He had hoped that he could tell Dray his secrets and take him home to Canada with him . Harry cried until he had nothing left in him . As night closed again , Harry was laying in bed eating the room service he had ordered . He felt a surge in his magic and the room brightened . Harry wondered what was up with that and vowed to ask his uncles when he got home , early . Draco stood looking down at everyone who was in the ballroom of Malfoy Manor . It was his birthday and the party was for him but he didn 't really care . He had still not found a woman to marry and his mother was breathing down his back . Every woman that she paraded in front of him was only interested in what Draco could give her , not even remotely interested being with him . " Just trying to think above all the noise . " Draco looked around the room . There were many partygoers but there were very few reporters . " Why aren 't there many reporters here ? " " Potter Senior is announcing his Heir to the world . Since the death of his wife and child , he has never given any hints who he was going to give his empire over to . He put out the announcement after the paper was out for the day . " Blaise walked up beside Draco and leaned against the railing and looking down at the crowd . " I never heard about it at all . " Draco frowned . His company and Potter 's were two of the biggest in the Wizarding World . The two families had also been very close for many years . It was strange that Potter would not tell him about the upcoming news . He vowed to owl him tomorrow . " I am not surprised at all with your mind being on the merger with Principal Potions . That is why your mother planned this . She fears you are not having enough fun . " " I 'll have fun again once the merger is done . We close tomorrow and then I will have much more free time . I won 't have too many companies I will have to work about stealing my customer base . " Draco nodded and saluted Blaise with his glass of wine . Blaise wandered back down the steps and back into the mass of people . A black haired young man in the crowd caught his eye and Draco stared . Even after six years he still saw Harry in most black haired young men . His heart clenched when it wasn 't him . Draco had never looked for Harry , not in a meaningful way . He didn 't want to know how he had done over the years . He still had to fight the urge to go back to him . He hoped that Harry had done well in his life . The party lasted late into the night but Draco had gone to bed early . He had a nine o ' clock in the morning meeting to sign the papers on the merger . Malfoy Corporation owned potion businesses all over the Magical world . It had started off with the Malfoy business of creating potions over three hundred years ago then as other businesses closed their doors , the Malfoys would buy the properties and the client base . It had grown to this , the largest potions company in the world . " Mister Malfoy ? " his secretary asked as Draco was sitting at the head of the table in the meeting room . Draco looked up and saw James Potter enter the room . " Mister Potter . I am happy to see you . " Draco stood up and leaned over the table to shake his hand . Potter smiled . Draco was happy . He wouldn 't have to owl the older man after the meeting . " Your secretary told me that you have a few minutes before the merger . I just wanted to talk to you . I am sure that you heard about me announcing my heir last night . " " Yes , I heard about it but I left way too early this morning to read who you named in the papers . " Draco motioned at the chairs and Potter sat down , as did Draco . " Why are you meeting with me ? " " Our partial merger . I was planning on spending several years helping my replacement get used to the way that I do business but my health has taken a turn for the worse . I need to step away from the stress and the earliest time that I can . I still want to go into the side business with you and so does my replacement . " " Grandpa ! " a voice screamed and Draco watched as a young girl ran into the room and jumped into Potter 's lap . Draco didn 't get to see her face but the hair was exactly like his own . The hair was rare outside of the Malfoy bloodline . " Sorry , she got away , " another voice said as the man entered the room . Draco looked up and his heart felt like it jumped out of his chest . It was Harry Black standing there in the room , in a Wizards robe . " Hello , Mister Malfoy . " Aurora held her hand out and Draco shook it . He was dumbfounded . He looked up at Harry and saw that Harry was not surprised to see him . So that meant Harry didn 't know him . That Harry didn 't recognize him . That made him mad . His heart started to ache . " Can your assistant not keep a hold of a four year old child ? " Draco asked , his voice snappish . The child in question jumped down from Potter 's lap and moved to stand in front of where Draco was sitting . She put her hands on her hips and stared at him . Draco stared back . He knew those eyes . Those were Harry 's eyes . That face though was his own . That stare was also his . " Draco , this is my son Harry Potter . I am sure that you remember playing with him when you were four . " His voice was careful and guarded . " Harry … Potter ? " Draco looked at Harry in shock . It was a shock that the boy that he had loved for so long was also the boy he missed from childhood with a deep ache . That hole in his heart had never filled . " I see . " Draco looked up at Harry , his eyes asking the question he couldn 't voice on his own not right then . & lt ; em & gt ; Is she mine ? " Why don 't we do dinner at my house tonight . Draco you should bring your mother so that she can see Harry again . I am sure that she will enjoy seeing him for the first time in over twenty years . " Potter stood up and moved over by his son . Aurora had still not taken her eyes off of him . " Yes , that sounds wonderful . If she can 't make it then I am sure she will not mind dining with you at another time . " Draco stood up and waved them to the door . All three Potters left the room and Draco shut the door behind them . He sat down in his seat and put his head in his hands . There was only five minutes before Blaise was going to bring in head of Principal Potions . Draco and his mother Narcissa were standing at the doors to Potter Manor . He was unsure of himself and that was a rarity . Malfoys were never unsure of anything . Narcissa had changed her plans for the evening once she heard that she was invited to Potter Manor for dinner . Draco didn 't answer his mother . Instead , he just stood there . After another minute the door opened . Draco expected a House Elf to be standing there or even Potter himself but not Aurora . Narcissa gasped at the child . She turned to Draco and looked at him . The questions were on her face . " Please come in , Mr . and Mrs . Malfoy . Our House Elf , Zook will take your things for you . " Aurora stepped back and let them enter the foyer . " Harry doesn 't … " Draco stopped when his mother looked at him . She had never been told about what he was doing when she called him back home from Mexico . Draco looked down at Aurora , who was looking back at him with the same face Draco was sure he had made a hundred times when he has just caught someone saying something that they didn 't want revealed . It was usually followed by Draco taking their company . " I see , " the child said in a voice that was close to her father 's . There was no doubting it . This child was theirs . Draco wanted to know why Harry had never told him about her . " Father and Grandfather are waiting in the sitting room on the second floor . I trust that you can find your way there , Mrs . Malfoy . Even after all this time ? " Aurora stepped past them and started to the door to go outside . " One week . " Aurora walked out the door that the Malfoy 's had just entered . Draco watched her through the small windows on either side of the door was she went around the side of the manor . Draco followed his mother through the main part of manor and up an obscure set of stairs . The stairs were old and other than being cleaned looked like they hadn 't been touched in many years for updates and repairs . He was about to question his mother when she started to talk . " This part of the house was the original part of the manor . The magic here is so strong that the Potters have not touched it through the years . This sitting room is the same way . The magic is so strong that only people who are friends of the Potters are allowed up these stairs . Anyone else who comes up will find themselves on the roof with no way down . " " Cissa , it is so wonderful to see you . " Potter stood up from his chair and moved forward to hug Narcissa , who returned the hug with fervor . Potter moved next to shake Draco 's hand . Harry never turned around . " Harry , come join us . Our guests are here . " " Yes , Father . " Harry closed the book in his hand as he turned around . He set the book down on a small end table and moved to a chair on the edge of the glow from the fire . " Safest room in the house . I am sure that you saw all the damned reporters outside the gates . What we are going to discuss will be not breathed outside this room . I am going to tell what I have heard from my son and then you both will have a chance to talk . " " Draco introduced himself as Dray Gotto while Harry introduced himself as Harry Black . Since they were at a Muggle hotel , each I would say , thought the other was Muggle . They spent weeks involved with each other . Harry knew that he would have to leave Draco in Mexico at the end of his vacation . Harry knew his responsibilities . He dreaded when he would have to say goodbye to the young man he knew as Dray . Then one morning , Dray was gone . Harry still had a week left of his vacation but instead decided to leave early . " Potter stopped and turned to look at his son . Harry just nodded . " He went home and pushed Dray out of his mind . Weeks went by and everything was normal for him . Then his Magic started to go wild . The simplest spell would be overcharged . A levitation charm would send the item flying . Harry stopped using his magic . He was at Black Manor in Canada and has been since the day that he supposedly died . He was there with Sirius Black and his wife and Remus Lupin , two of my advisers . " Harry saw healer after healer and there was nothing coming from it . They could find no cause for Harry 's wild magic . Finally , Sirius called me to Canada . That was that week where I went away for health reasons about a month before we did our first joint project . When I arrived , the entire foyer of the house was awash in a bright red glow . I was shocked I had seen it before just once . Harry was standing at the foot of the stairs ; Sirius and Remus were off to the side . They both looked scared . I smiled at them all and that 's all it took for them to calm down . It was a very long and hard seven months from that point . I had to make sure that Harry was safe . I found an old Wizard in Japan that had been on hand for a male birth before . He was brought in to take care of the birth . " Aurora was born after seven hours of hard labor . Harry raised her as best as he could and looked for a black haired Dray Gotto all over Muggle Europe . Six years of looking and he found nothing . Harry came to England about two weeks ago . He 's been setting up Aurora 's living area and she joined him a week ago with her pets . Aurora was looking at financial section of the paper when she saw a picture of Draco . She screamed ' Daddy ' and pointed . That is when Harry looked at the picture . Narcissa looked at Draco as Potter finished his tale . If it had come from anyone but him , she wouldn 't have believed a word that he said . Then there was little Aurora . She was the image of Draco when he had been younger but those eyes were Harry and Lily 's . " Old Man Yu was a wealth of knowledge about births from males . It is a trait of old bloodlines . Some families have the male producing the offspring when the female cannot produce offspring . It is an affect of our Magic . He said that Harry and the other father were meant to be . They are soulmates in the strictest sense of the word . " " She is mine then ? " Draco asked . Harry looked him in the eye and nodded . " You are rarely this quiet Harry , even when we were kids . " " She can talk and see someone 's intentions much like you could as a child . As you have seen she also cared little for tact and propriety . She is very smart and cares little for other children . She is happy with her Thestral and Zook for company . " " In all ways , " Harry answered as he stood up . In a few steps , Harry was standing in front of Draco . Draco stood up , he was barely straight when Harry grabbed him and kissed him . When Harry finally pulled back from the kiss , his father and Narcissa were gone . " Why didn 't you say goodbye ? " " I couldn 't . I wouldn 't have been able to go . I would have never left your side . I knew that leaving in the middle of the night like that was the only way . I was sure that you were Muggle and that I could never be with you . The Malfoy family has to marry of equal ranking , nothing else . Father was scared that I would leave the family . After he died , I had to run the company and the family as he would have wanted . " Draco tried to step back but Harry wouldn 't let him . Instead , Harry put a hand in his . Draco smiled at him with a soft smile . " Now we can run the family how we want . Potters marry for love or nothing at all . We can make our own family traditions and what not . " " I think that my mother will be spending much more time with your father . He has always hid behind a mask of total grief before . Mother hated to come here and disturb him . Father came over all the time and brought me . " " Her magic came to her at a very young age . I have had to train her some though the years . " Harry shyly smiled and then ducked his head . " Well some is an understatement . I think for the most part , once she got used to her own wand , she will be able to pass First Year classes . " " Yes , and she blew up my car when she was two years old . If I hadn 't been so quick to Apparate us out both of us would have been dead . She was throwing a fit because I wouldn 't let her stay at a friend 's . Don 't judge my choices until you know why they are done . I would never do anything to harm my daughter . " Draco looked at Harry in shock . Their daughter was that powerful . There were few children who could do magic at that age much less such destructive magic . Harry was right to teach her how to use a wand . It gave her magic an out and she would be less likely to use wild magic and uncontrolled magic . " I 'm sorry . I am still just in shock . I assume she knows that you are telling me right now ? " " I went to Hogwarts to see Headmaster Dumbledore about donations to the school over a year ago , under a guise . I want to make sure that Hogwarts has what it needs for Defense classes . The grounds keeper there , Hagrid , he was nursing the foal back to health . I guess a predator killed her mother and father and the rest of the herd shunned her . I had Aurora with me and she fell in love . " " Yes . When she was three she watched my uncle Sirius 's wife give birth . We didn 't know she was in the room . The baby was three months early and there was no saving him . Aurora watched him die . " " Yes . I had a very good childhood . I knew I had to stay hidden but I still had a lot of fun as a child . I was never deprived of anything . I saw my father usually about a weekend per month . I missed him but I understood . " " She is going to Hogwarts . She has already stated that . She loved it there . She made two friends that day . She liked Hagrid , of course and then , another person . I can 't remember his name but Aurora snuck away from us during the tour . We found her an hour later getting a lesson from a man about proper etiquette in a potions lab . While he acted like a prick to me , he was wonderful with Aurora . Even let her help with some potions and she stayed with him the rest of the afternoon while Dumbledore and I finished up with our meeting . Now she has her own little potions lab and she makes lots of things . Most of them nice tasting drinks . " " That means that someone wants past the wards . Do you want to go with me to answer it ? " Harry asked . Draco nodded . Harry led them through a different passageway but they arrived in the main hall . A House Elf was at the door . " Thank you , Zimma . Let Father and Narcissa know we are heading to the stables as well . " Harry nodded at the House Elf and then strode out the door . Draco hesitated and then followed . " I think that was it . Aurora knew it better than I . I met too many people that day . Dumbledore assured me he was a good man , hard , but good . " " You care for him well , Aurora . " Draco knew that voice . Harry hadn 't heard it in many years . Harry wouldn 't remember Severus from when he was young . He wouldn 't remember the man that had been his mother 's best friend . " I wonder how long it will take your fathers to come down here ? " " I don 't know . Daddy should have been here . I am sure he heard the wards and someone would have told them that we came here with Zook . How did you know who my fathers were ? All those months ago . " " She knew , " Harry whispered . Draco just nodded . Harry grabbed his hand and pulled him with him as they stepped into the two 's line of sight . " I knew who you were talking about , Harry . There is only one potions teacher at Hogwarts . While I am sure you were glamoured , I doubt you glamoured Aurora . Severus would have known her from anywhere . " " I figured that once you were announced as Heir , Harry there would want to meet with Draco . The Potter and Malfoy companies have always moved around one another . Once Draco was seen by Harry , I knew that Harry would see who the father of his child was . " " Because I was the one who made it seem like you were dead . I also have had to keep an eye on you when you were away from Black Manor . I was there when you were in Mexico and it wasn 't much of a stretch when you became pregnant to guess the father . Then there she was in my part of the castle . Sneaking around , trying not to get caught . " " She hasn 't stopped about potions since then . She is very excited that Potter Manor has an extensive potions lab and a large child 's lab . " Harry moved over and picked Aurora up . " Why didn 't you tell me about him ? He could have been lying . " " Because he had a picture of you , daddy . You and grandma . It was in his robe pocket . Very worn like it had been looked at a lot . I know not to look at the grand gestures but the little to tell someone 's intentions . First , he never approached me . He stayed away from me until I let him . Second , he never offered me anything and third , he never cast a spell at me . Not even to check who I was . " " I don 't know . " Severus reached out and touched Harry 's face . Harry smiled at him softly and the worry went out of his face . " I know why Harry didn 't see Draco in Aurora or why he didn 't know me . " A memory charm performed by me it was meant to lessen his connection with you . I am sure you remember the bond you two had , Draco . That was your only issue , Harry . You couldn 't leave Draco behind . You cried and tried to run away . Your father didn 't want me taking your memories away fully but he wanted me to lessen them . I went ahead and did it for me as well . I knew that I would be following you around some when you got older and I thought it would be good that you didn 't recognize me . " In a move that his shocking the entire Wizarding World , Harry Potter recent CEO of Potter Industries is announcing a merger with Malfoy Corporation . Draco Malfoy had led Malfoy Corporation for the past six years since the passing of his father . Harry Potter recently returned from the dead announced the merger Tuesday night at the board meeting for his company . Both parties will make a formal announcement tonight at seven at the Malfoy Manor . The paper will be there to ask questions . Harry smiled at the headline as he lounged in bed . Draco was asleep beside him . Aurora had yet to wake for the day . Since the party for the merger was that night , both Harry and Draco decided to take the day off of going to the offices . Instead they were going to work from home on what they could and just focus on the party . Draco shifting made Harry set aside the newspaper . He stared down at his husband . They had been married for a week . They had gone back to Mexico and had a giant wedding at the hotel they had stayed at . After that they had a small service at home . " We have to get up , Draco . The House Elves need to know how you want everything . They won 't touch anything without your say so . " " DADDY ! " Aurora came running in the room and jumped on the bed . Harry laughed and grabbed her and pulled her down on top of him . Draco reached out from under the covers and started to tickle her . Her screams brought Zook running into the room . When he saw that it was just them , he quietly stepped out . " We have to . Every day that passes we lose the ability to release it as we want . We want to control the story then we have to put the story out there . " Draco looked up to smile at Harry . He had everything he wanted in that room . A husband who loved him for him and a daughter who thought the best thing about her day was being able to play with her ever - growing amount of pets . Summary : The Fifth year of schools is planning to be the worst yet . Dumbledore now knows who raised him but will the devious old man keep the secret . A teacher at Hogwarts has it out for him and is open about it but there is nothing he can do . Voldemort is getting stronger . Can Harry take it all on ? Warnings : I am twisting things . Also there may be some lines from the movies but that is mainly because I found them absolutely hilarious . Graphic Depictions of Violence & Major Character Death Share this : TweetShare on TumblrPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Harry Potter . 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In 2007 , Mum 's symptoms of dementia first became very noticeable in the form of unusual behaviour such as barricading doors , tying up gates with handkerchiefs , calling the police all the time to imagined intruders and obsessing over her two cats . But even years before that , she 'd made bad judgments with money , selling her house to a conwoman for $ 100 , 000 less than it was worth and wasting money on employing tradesmen to carry out unnecessary work . She only became seriously forgetful in 2010 . Mum had a lovely time on Friday when I drove her down to Huskisson . This is where she used to go on holiday with her parents from the time she was born . She owned a holiday house there until recent years . We had lunch at the RSL club and then went and looked at the beach . We bought some bread from the Huskisson Bakery . We saw a horse and cart and I took a photo . It was so good to get through a whole day without her getting angry and upset about anything . We 'll have to do this again soon . Mum couldn 't get me on the phone today . Her problem was an abusive phone call from my brother . She had wanted me to drive over there at 8 a . m . and take her out for the day , so she could forget the phone call and stop being upset . My brother is constantly demanding that she revoke the guardianship certificate she has given me . I don 't know what his problem is . I 'd like to see HIM put up with what I have to , he wouldn 't last five minutes on the job . He 'd put her straight in a nursing home . She decided to walk to my house . She has never done this before . She has got a taxi to my house about a year ago when she was very angry with me . When she got here , I had to lock myself in my room for three hours to avoid being attacked by her . I realize now I should have called an ambulance . But today she decided to walk . It was already 30 C at 8 . 30 a . m . ( 90 F ) . It was muggy , and the walk was all uphill . She was dressed inappropriately for the occasion , in long pants and a winter coat . She always dresses inappropriately lately , but she tells me that even on a hot day she feels cold , which may be her renal failure and the fact she is too thin . The distance is about four kilometres or two and a half miles . It is a wonder it didn 't kill her . She arrived in quite good condition , and had apparently cheered up along the way , so all she wanted was a cup of tea . After a few cups of tea , she decided she wanted to go on a short drive to the beach . I was able to take her home . I don 't know why she didn 't get a taxi . Maybe she couldn 't remember my address . I am very worried at this new development . I have heard that old people will start wandering , going on longer and longer walks , until one day , they forget how to get back home . I had Messagebank on my phone . Unfortunately , this was an opportunity for Mum to leave a series of panicked messages when she was unable to get me , either because I was out or had pulled the plug on the phone for some peace . When she can 't get me to make demands on me she gets very frustrated and angry and I couldn 't handle these messages any more after I found 11 in one morning . I had decided to sleep in , so I pulled the plug on the phone , knowing Mum would be at me from 7 . 30 a . m . Being Australia Day , I just wanted at least one day of rest . She still knows what an engaged signal means and if she hears that , she might decide to give up trying to call me , realizing I am not going to let her through . I don 't care what she does to be honest , she can knock on the neighbours ' door or CALL SOMEONE ELSE , BUT LEAVE ME ALONE . If these were REAL problems that she has , it would be different . But it 's always imagined problems or small things that don 't matter , such as losing her glasses ( I can find them when I get there the next day ) . Dialling Message Bank and then having to listen to all her messages has been stressing me out of my brain . Often she gets more and more angry , eventually shouting " Never contact me again , I am finished with you ! " or something like that . Mum 's illness has caused the family to split and the rift will never go away . My brother has continually denied anything is happening . He 's called me a liar whenever I 've asked for help and now his anger has escalated to the point where he 's been ringing Mum and abusing her , demanding that she stop me from looking after her and accusing me of taking her money . I think it came to a head when I used my frequent flyer points to take her on holiday to Townsville . He thought I had used her money for the holiday . He was demanding an audit of her bank accounts and he shouted at her and demanded a copy of her will , which she sent to him even though I told her he is not entitled to have it . She was puzzled when she rang him to say what a nice holiday she had and all he could do was shout and say " I don 't want to hear about it . " How could anyone shout at and abuse their own mother ? I have only one brother , and only two nieces and a nephew . I probably won 't ever see any of them again . It is a shocking thing to happen , right when I needed someone to support and help me with Mum . The other day , my brother and his de facto came down to see Mum and obviously to make trouble . They live 250 kms away which is one thing to be grateful for . I had to be at Mum 's place to talk to the Homecare lady about cleaning help for Mum . I can 't clean her house as well as mine as I have chronic fatigue . I went to the door and I heard his voice , telling Mum what to do and putting me down . So I knocked on the door and Mum came . She said " You can 't come in , your brother 's here . " I said I had to be back in 20 minutes because of the Homecare visit . I went away and came back . They were still there . I went and sat in the loungeroom , trying to stay out of their way , but I could hear what my brother and his de facto were saying to Mum , trying to convince her I am the worst person in the world and even calling Mum a liar . I had had enough , so I took the guardianship document out of my handbag and went to the kitchen door . I said " You can 't come down here shPosted by Mum has been great the last three days . Very few memory problems at all , no temper tantrums and easy to manage . I can hardly believe how lucky I 've been . I don 't suppose it will last , but it 's been very peaceful . Her iron levels are so low , at the Renal Clinic today the doctor said she has to have an iron infusion . Since Mum moved into her house about four years ago , she 's been obsessed with the idea of chopping down every tree in the yard and chopping out every bush . I was devastated when she paid someone a ridiculous amount of money to remove a rainforest garden planted under the huge old paperbark tree . Then she started getting quotes to get rid of the paperbark tree itself : $ 3000 - $ 5000 . I had to stop her , so I got the kids ( now aged 22 and 23 ) to send her text messages that if that tree was chopped down they wouldn 't be able to visit her any more because they 'd be too sad seeing the placed where the tree used to stand . When she started tearing things out of the garden , old roses and so on , it didn 't occur to me that it is part of the dementia , but it is . It 's caused by paranoia . She believes that trees are going to fall on her or on the house , no matter how far from the house they are . Now she is paranoid that burglars are going to get in , and she thinks if there are no trees or shrubs blocking the view of the windows , the neighbours will be able to watch for burglars . It 's no use telling her the neighbours are not out on the road watching her house at 2 o ' clock in the morning . Yesterday I arrived at her house to a horrible sight . The butterfly bush that had been planted probably more than forty years ago , and was absolutely beautiful , was chopped into pieces and lying all over her front yard . How had she managed to get someone to do this without me knowing ? It had to be after I dropped her off in the afternoon . I thought she 'd be so tired every day after going to the shops and the club for lunch , that she wouldn 't have the energy to cause any problems . I 've been watching her to make sure she doesn 't employ workmen at inflated rates to do ' work ' in the yard unless I have approved it . But it 's not helping . As well , she paid the man $ 130 in advance for carting the dead tree away and of course he hasn 't been back . I am so upset ! On Tuesday I took over guardianship of her , signing the necessary document at the solicitor 's , andPosted by I don 't live at Mum 's place . She lives about a kilometre from me . So she 's always ringing me up in a panic . Today she rang and said , " There 's something wrong with that new vacuum cleaner . It hasn 't got one of those things that lets you get close to the floor . " When I arrived I was astounded to find that she 'd tried to vacuum the floor with the new vacuum cleaner without a hose ! She 'd gone all through the house holding the cleaner upside down with the hole the flexible hose plugs into sucking up the dirt . I can 't believe she did that ! Wow , that is so weird ! I got the hose and plugged it in . I showed her how it worked . I didn 't think to leave the hose plugged in ; I assumed she remembered how vacuum cleaners work . But she doesn 't . A very worrying sign . Still , I could see the humour in it . Sometimes Mum has insight into her forgetfulness . She gets sad and confused and says , " Do I have dementia ? " My answer is , " Once we get to 60 we all have a bit of dementia . We all start forgetting things . " The last few days , Mum has been sure a lady is coming to clean the house . No - one is coming at all ! She 's been ready every morning with some cash ready and she 's cleaned her house thoroughly so that the cleaning lady won 't think she 's dirty . She 's hiding everything that the cleaning lady plans to steal that she thinks is valuable , including cheap plastic jewellery . It 's all hidden away and I 'll never find it again . She 's very paranoid . Poor Mum ! I 'm feeling more sorry for her than myself today , because she 's been quiet and sad , rather than angry , argumentative and even violent , which she often is . But mostly I feel sorry for me . She looks like my mother , she sounds like my mother BUT MOST OF THE TIME SHE ISN ' T MY MOTHER . It 's frightening . This person who 's taken over from my mother gets all maudlin and clingy and makes a grab for me to hug me . I jump out of her way , horrified . I don 't know you ! Who are you ? Go away ! Don 't touch me ! When I go back home I feel so ashamed of myself . I didn 't want to hug my mother . No , I didn 't , because IT ' S NOT MY MOTHER . I am so glad she lives at her house and I live at mine , because if I had to be with her 24 hours a day , I think I 'd jump under a train . People say I should be concerned that while I 'm not with her she 'll try to cook something and start a fire and burn the house down . This is awful , but I DON ' T CARE . My sanity is more important than worrying about a fire that might never happen . I don 't think she 'll cook anything though . She 's always hated cooking and housework . I can 't see her getting interested at this late stage . Four weeks ago , Mum thought she heard someone trying to break down the back door . That 's why she ended up getting a new security door . There 's really no evidence that anyone was there , and since they allegedly went away when she turned all the lights on , they weren 't very good burglars . Mum called 000 . Apparently the operator didn 't put her through to police . She said something like " There there dear , you 're safe now , just go back to sleep . " So Mum must have sounded really confused and strange , or they would have put her through . For the next three days , Mum told me and the neighbours that she called 000 ' last night ' because someone was breaking in . I hope she didn 't , but she might have . I wonder if they 'll get my name and phone number and tell me to make her stop . I left one of my watch dogs with her for a few nights but she still thought someone was trying to get in . They 'd have some nasty bite marks on them if they did . I wrote the number for the police in big letters and stuck the piece of paper above the phone so hopefully she 'll call them and not the emergency number . They might be better able to deal with her calls than the 000 operators . I 've taken away her phone book and replaced it with one containing only the numbers of her friends and relatives , to stop her ringing plumbers and electricians and tree loppers and handymen . If I don 't stop her , she 'll use up every cent she 's got getting things done that don 't need doing . She 's really paranoid about the beautiful fifty year old paperbark tree in the yard . It 's not going anywhere . I 'm determined it won 't be chopped down . 8th January 2010 . I spent several hours with Mum . She had appointments to go to and shopping to be done . We had a look a a nice retirement village overlooking the sea . I don 't think she 'd pass the test for unassisted living though . I sometimes think she 'd probably qualify for the dementia unit , but the memory problems , paranoia and strange ideas come and go . They 're intermittent . Some days she 's like her old self . She said she 'd like to live in that village , but I don 't think she 'll make it there . I feel horribly sad and depressed over it . Two days ago she got a new security door installed out the back . I dropped her off home , went in and did a few things and then went home so exhausted from stress that I fell asleep on the lounge . The phone rang . It was 7 o ' clock . She 's usually in bed asleep by then . It was Mum . " I can 't open that new back door ! " she said . " It 's jammed ! I have to be able to get out ! You have to contact the people that installed it now and get them to come back ! " I said , " Mum , you don 't need to get out right now . Just lock the wooden door and go to bed . I 'll look at it in the morning . " " You hate me ! You don 't want to do anything for me ! It 's true what your brother said ! " she shouted and slammed down the phone . I thought : Good , she 's gone . I went back to sleep . The phone rang again . " I can 't open that new door ! " she said . Aaaargh . I couldn 't go anywhere , I was that exhausted . I rang her neighbours and they kindly went up there to see what was wrong . They found the key to the door lying near the front of the house on the floor . There was nothing wrong with the door . She 'd locked it herself . When they 'd arrived , she 'd wanted them to call the door installers and make them come . But the problem was solved - until next time . When I 've spent all day with her , I just want to go home to my house and rest . I don 't want to be on call 24 / 7 . I will go crazy if this keeps up . I feel so sad and alone tonight . I have tried to tell my brother and his 19 year old daughter for some time that something is wrong with my mother . When I sent him an email asking him to help me with a problem , he rang her and read it out to her , telling her I was telling lies about her . It took three weeks to calm her down . He never believed me when I told him that Mum has chronic kidney disease , or a serious blood condition ( which has cleared up ) or blindness caused by macular degeneration . I should have just stopped telling him things . Anything I told him , he 'd ring Mum and ask if it was true . She 'd always say " No , I am fine , I 've never felt better . " Either she didn 't recall the doctor 's words or she didn 't want to worry him . So this was more ' evidence ' that I was a liar . Recently Mum had a type of fit on a plane . She just fell unconscious in her seat with her eyes wide open . I thought she was dead . On landing , she was rushed to hospital . I thought : this is it . She 's going to die . I really have to ring my brother ( even though I 'd promised myself I never would again ) . So I rang him and he said " Is this another one of your lies ? " I told him the name of the hospital . I was there , later , when he was speaking to the doctor and I could hear what he was saying . Was she really taken by ambulance from the plane ? Did she really collapse ? I heard the doctor say " She says she has a brother living nearby and he will come and get her tomorrow . " I don 't know what my brother made of that . She has no brother ; he died three years ago . I took her home the next day and my brother sent his 19 year old daughter down to see her . I don 't know why he didn 't come himself . But then he 's only ever seen his mother a few times a year and he never bothers to ring her . He 's never shown any interest in her welfare whatsoever . I made an appointment for her with her own doctor , who has seen evidence of the dementia when she didn 't recognize him or recall that he 'd given her antibiotics three days before . In fact , he was the first and only health cPosted by Mum has a cat . Her name is Cleo . She 's had her for twelve years . Mum used to be sensible in looking after the cat . She installed a cat door so it could go in and out when it wanted to . She fed it twice a day and didn 't fuss . However , over the last four years , Mum has attached a lot of paranoia to matters relating to the cat . She has stopped letting the cat outside and keeps the cat door permanently locked . If the cat 's not hungry and she offers food to it and it won 't eat , she 'll open a new tin of food and offer it that . Then she 'll ring me and say , " Something is wrong with Cleo . She 's not eating . " Last year the vet told Mum that cat is way too fat . It needs less food and more exercise . It won 't get exercise as long as it 's locked inside . Also , the vet told her to stop leaving huge plates of dry food around for the cat to nibble on throughout the day . But it didn 't stop her . There are plates of food everywhere , and every day she tips them out into a plastic bag because they might be stale and gives it to me for my cats . The dry food she buys costs $ 57 per bag from the vet . It 's meant to last about three months . It 's gone in less than two weeks . What waste of money ! Sometimes I bring my dog when I visit and on the way to the back yard , the dog passes the cat , which hisses furiously . Mum says " Your dog is giving my cat an asthma attack ! Get it out of here ! " I try to explain the cat is angry and hissing , but she can 't be convinced . When I look in the fridge every few days , I find dozens of opened cans of cat food - small expensive ones - with a spoonful removed from them . If I don 't check and get rid of them , in a couple of months they are all in there rotting , so I 've learnt to sneakily make them disappear every few days . If they look OK , I take them for my cats . Then there is the matter of plates . Mum feeds the cat on the plates she eats off . It makes me feel sick . I 've tried making her stop , but you can 't . You cannot convince a person with dementia that they are wrong . They are living in another world where everythPosted by In August my daughter , Mum and I went to Thredbo to see the snow . We stayed in a cabin in the bush . It was really nice and I thought Mum would enjoy it . The first night we lit the campfire then I went inside and asked Mum if she 'd had her shower yet as I wanted to hang out the towel to dry . It had only been about four minutes since I last saw her and I was just reminding her to have a shower . But she got really angry and accused me of thinking she was dirty . " You think I never have a shower ! You are nasty ! " she shouted . I made the mistake of asking for the wet towel . She couldn 't produce it , and got absolutely furious . She screamed and sobbed . She went into my room and lay on my bed crying and crying , saying " You hate me ! You never believe me ! " My daughter and I were absolutely dumbstruck . She wouldn 't come out of my room and she wouldn 't stop , so I said to my daughter , " I can 't take this , I 'm going to take the car into town and find a motel . " My daughter said " Don 't leave me alone with her ! She 's horrible ! " We went out for a long walk , leaving her there , and by the time we got back she was sitting at the kitchen table . She demanded to have a ' talk ' with us about our terrible behaviour . My daughter managed to distract her by turning on the TV and changing the subject . It was terrible , uncontrollable and frightening . I didn 't know what had happened until I got home and found on the internet a description of a ' catastrophic reaction ' : Some people with dementia overreact to a trivial setback or a minor criticism . This might involve them screaming , shouting , making unreasonable accusations , becoming very agitated or stubborn , or crying or laughing uncontrollably and inappropriately . This tendency to overreact is part of the illness and is called a catastrophic reaction . Sometimes a catastrophic reaction is the first indication that makes relatives aware of the dementia . It may be a passing phase , disappearing as the condition progresses , or it may go on for some time . Some causes of catastrophic behaviour include : . StrPosted by I lived with Mum 's mother for several years before Mum took her to live at her house . In her old age , my grandmother was still mostly the same person , but there were some worrying signs . There were personality changes . If she 'd meet someone she knew on the street , she would start talking to them and never stop . You could see they wanted to get away but she wouldn 't let them . If I took her to the solicitor , she 'd hold the floor for up to three hours . In the end I 'd have to say " Come on Nan , time to go , " to get her away . She 'd also ring the university and demand to speak to a professor of English . Then she 'd ask him to spell a word for her . At times when I tried to stop her making these phone calls , she 'd threaten to call the police . I offered to move out of her house , but she asked me not to go . So I stayed , but she drove me crazy at times . She was never forgetful though . My mother took her to live with her when she was 69 , and she died aged 71 of a stroke . Going back further , Mum 's grandmother did not have dementia at all until three weeks before she died at the age of 86 . Then , she started to act very strangely and paranoid . She was taken to hospital , where she died three weeks later . I think she also died of a stroke . Mum 's grandmother did have agoraphobia , though . She did not leave her house for 40 years . In fact she wouldn 't go past the front door . So sometimes I wonder if dementia is hereditary , but my mother 's mother and grandmother did not have the same symptoms that she has , and not as severe . I 'm trying to pinpoint when I noticed something wrong . Five and a half years ago , there was an article in the paper saying that conmen were going around visiting old people and telling them their roof needed repairs . They offered to have a look and do minor repairs for $ 50 , then they 'd come down from the roof and say there were more holes in it than they expected , and ask for $ 200 and the amount would keep creeping up . In fact all they were doing was climbing around on the roof and getting paid . These conmen visited my mother . She made a big fuss of them because they said they were unemployed and looking for work . She made them a cup of tea and fed them . They climbed around on her roof . They made holes in the garage roof by climbing on it and it leaked forever after . They told her they could fix her roof for $ 800 . They took her to the bank and she withdrew the money . They then got the hose and hosed down the roof . That 's all they did . She thought they were wonderful even when I told her they were con - men . She denied they were . She said her roof now looked ' beautiful ' and was all fixed up . I wanted to call the police , but she got very angry and said they were good workmen and she 'd disown me if I did anything like that . So there was nothing I could do . Five years ago , Mum decided to sell her house and move closer to me . She put her house up for sale with an estate agent . The price was $ 430 , 000 , with a $ 30 , 000 negotiation built in . $ 400 , 000 was the going rate for houses in her area . Unfortunately a con - woman went to see Mum without the estate agent and told her lies . She said she desperately needed the house for her sister , who needed three bedrooms for her children . She asked if Mum would accept $ 300 , 000 as that was all she had . Mum agreed and lost $ 100 , 000 . I was angry and devastated . I told her off , but she said to me " It is better to accept a lower offer from someone who comes with their chequebook than to wait for a higher price . " She didn 't understand that she was meant to let the agent do the negotiating . She diPosted by I have called this blog Lorelei , because I remember Mum playing it on the piano when I was young . She used to play the violin , too . Mum had two children , me in 1952 and my brother in 1960 . She was always very kind and rarely angry . She spent a lot of time with us and put a lot of work into bringing us up . Our father wasn 't a bad person , he was a good provider , but he didn 't have much time to spend with us . His whole life was his work and politics . We had some lovely camping holidays and also holidays in our beach house at Huskisson . We had a large extended family of uncles , aunts and cousins , but it fell apart when my great grandmother died . She had kept everyone together . Probably the most shocking event for my mother was when her father died in 1962 . It was the end of her family 's wealth . He was a businessman who owned properties . Due to death taxes , a lot of these had to be sold . He had a huge funeral . I remember it well . Hundreds of people turned out . Hundreds more stood by the side of the road and watched the cortege pass . After that , there was no extra money for my mother to spend on herself . There was only my father 's income . We all felt a bit poorer . Mum 's mother was sacked from her shop assistant job because the shop had to be sold . A few years later the family mansion was sold as well and my grandmother moved to a small house . The death of my grandfather had a huge , terrible impact on all of our lives , and my mother still cries about it today . |
I sat in the front desk , the row of desks extending behind me . I sat towards the right hand side of the room , off center , away from the door . Mrs . Turner 's desk was at the back of the room . I followed her into a noisy room where all the kids were talking at once to each other . They didn 't sit in rows . They sat at tables across from each other . They threw things at each other and the teacher yelled at them . Mrs . Turner has brown hair pinned up in a bun . She is kind and gentle . She likes me . I like her . She invited me to sit in a chair facing the kids and read them the Peter Pan story . I like to hold up the book to show them the pictures the way teachers always do . Mrs . Turner interrupted me one time from her desk at the back of the room to explain how to pronounce the word " island , " which was coming up a lot in the Peter Pan story . I was pronouncing it the way it is written . We pull our chairs into a circle , some of us , on the side of the classroom to read out loud . The book we are reading from - we each have a hardback copy , a dark grey / turquoise cover with black letters - has a long word in its title that I cannot decipher . Usually I am the one who knows all the words . I am embarrassed that I don 't know this one . I don 't ask anyone what it is . I got home one day after school with Mrs . Turner because my mother cannot come get me . The creek at the bottom of our driveway is flooded and no one can get through . So Mrs . Turner takes me home with her . She lives in a small house . She has a husband . The house is quiet . She puts me to bed in a tall , high bed , a double bed . I like this bed . It feels old - fashioned , so high up off the ground . At playtime at school we play in the playground . We play jump rope . Two girls twirl the rope , one at each end , and we take turns standing by the edge of the turning rope , our body moving with its rhythm until we know the moment we can jump in without tripping or stopping the regular turn of the long rope . " Paul John George Ringo ! " we chant as each girl jumps inside the circle of the turning rope . Paul John George Ringo , " and when finally each girl misses her beat , stumbles and gets in the way of the turning rope , whatever name was last called - be it Paul or John or George or Ringo - we know that 's the one she is secretly in love with , and everybody laughs . When I was 11 I lived in England in a white house with a bumpy , stuccoey surface . The roof came up in two peaks , one on the left , one on the right with a flat piece in the middle that ate the tennis balls I smacked against the one windowless wall . You walked through a short black swinging metal gate with a latch , from the sidewalk , along a short straight concrete path to a black front door with a brass letter slot through which letters got pushed in the mornings . It wasn 't our normal kind of house . It came with all its own furniture . Each bedroom - - and there were four - - had its own color of floor - to - ceiling drapes that opened and closed with a string and white chiffon curtains that were underneath , like a petticoat . The floor - to - ceiling drapes with their pull - open strings were foreign , one of the things that no house of ours would ever have . Everything else was normal except the vanity table in my mother 's bedroom . It was glass - topped and kidney - shaped , but the most unfamily , unmother part was its pretty pink and white striped skirt . My mother lived in the pink room , my father in the dark green , my two little sisters in the blue , and I in the red . But my father wasn 't there much . He was a visitor on weekends , often away on business trips for two or three weeks at a time , returning with presents . My father was there in suit , with swagger , and I knew I was in good hands , that he could take care of things like airports and hotels much better than my mother could . Things went wrong when I was with my mother . We missed turn - offs , got lost , and sometimes bashed up the car . But these things didn 't happen when I was with my father . We went to a hotel . This was the kind of thing you did with my dad . He liked things like that . His restaurants were fancy , my mother 's were not . My father showed me my room , his room , and the bathroom that connected them . " What 's that ? " I asked , pointing at a bathroom fixture I 'd never seen before . " It 's for ladies to wash their wee - wee , " my father said with some kind of smile , some kind of upbeat that I could not echo . I looked away , looking for the next stone to step onto , away from the strange object in the bathroom . He took me out of the city to a skyscraper of apartments , a skyscraper out of place amongst snow and mountain slopes . He liked this place . He had been talking about it back in England , telling me with some kind of deliciousness about " après - ski . " He liked to tell me his things . He took me on walks , away from mother and sisters , and told me the good things in his life We sat at dinner in the glittery restaurant on the ground floor of the skyscraper , and a blonde woman was with us . My father said I should call her Aunt Helga . She was pretty , old like my father , her hair pale blonde and cut short . Her eyes were blue and she wore make - up and jewelry and high heels and pretty clothes . She wore the clothes my mother never wore and laughed a lot with my father . My father ran his index finger down her nose and teased her for having a nose like a ski jump . She asked me if I would ever marry a black man . " I 'll marry anyone I want to , " I said , and they laughed . My father took me to a French bookstore and chose some books for me to take back to school , picture books with French words and a tiny dictionary with a soft plastic cover that I could hold in the palm of my hand . And he took me to a hairdresser where the ladies cut my hair and put it in two pony tails , covering the rubber bands with black velvet bands . My father came to get me , talked French with the ladies , made much of their work , and pressed upon me that I must not lose those black velvet bands . We went to Aunt Helga 's house in Geneva for dinner , a fancy dining room where I sat up straight . " Look , " said my father , so at ease and at home here , " she can press a button under the table with her foot so Maria knows to bring the soup . " There was a small wrapped gift to the left of my fork . I pretended not to notice . It seemed like the polite thing to do , not to assume anything was for me . Towards the end of the meal my father suggests I open it . Inside , from Aunt Helga , is a red leather cover with the word " Passport " stamped in gold . I say thank you . My father expresses admiration for the beautiful cover . It is a grown - up present , not something I can play with . And then I am in the taxi coming back from the airport . My father is in the spacious back seat of the cab with me . We are playing and goofing around in a way we have never done before . I am pretending to be a grown - up lady , like Helga . I am making jokes and my father is laughing at my grown - up jokes . And then I go one step further . I call him Mickie . That 's what Helga had called him . And with that word I pull back . I stop this game . It doesn 't feel good anymore . It scares me . Posted by Perhaps it was on the short trip to Switzerland when I was 11 . It was some time when I was alone with my father . It was evening , after dinner , and we were in the lounge of a hotel or a fancy restaurant amongst expensive couches , perhaps a blazing fireplace . I was sitting next to my father on a couch while he nursed a drink and he was telling me about the war , about Hungary and his eyes were full of tears . He caught my eye and smiled a little as if to acknowledge or apologize for the tears , which did not spill over , but remained in his eyes . Recently , I was thinking about one of the stories my father liked to tell me . It was about how his father , as a young man , had planted fruit trees out in the country by the ancestral thatched - roof cottage in which he 'd been born . By then my grandfather lived in Budapest , but the family returned frequently to the village for vacations . My father liked to tell me in detail how his father had dreamed of beautiful fruit trees , had purchased them , planted them full of hope and how the rabbits had eaten and destroyed the saplings . The lovely lovely dream came to naught . It was told as a heartrending tale and I received it as such . My poor grandfather . He had his heart broken . A week or two ago I thought - wait a minute . So what the rabbits ate them ? Why didn 't he plant again , or figure out an anti - rabbit strategy ? Why was one failure so important ? My father did a lot of giving up , I think , took failure very seriously . Lost his house , jobs , money , the bits of prestige that came his way . He told me a lot of sad stories . When I was a little girl I said out loud one day , basing my opinion on my father and his friends who often came then to the house , that Hungarians are sad . This made my father laugh , and he repeated it for years , almost proudly , as if , yes , that 's how Hungarians are and should be . When I visited him in Budapest where he went to live for the last 25 years of his life my father took me to the apartment of an old girlfriend for dinner . A plain woman now who spoke witMartaSzabo I thought of my father today for a moment or two . Wondered how his death had felt to him . Imagined him in the narrow room off the kitchen in the Budapest apartment , the room designed for a maid , the room that had originally belonged to my great aunt Dora , my grandmother 's sister , the designated artist . The family has lived in this apartment for over 80 years . My mother told me that when my sister visited there recently she objected to sleeping in that room because my father had died there . My aunt had responded that it was impossible to find a room in that apartment where no one had died . I just thought of my father being the first and the only one of us five to die , to have crossed over that mysterious border . My father , whose reputation amongst his wife and children , holds little dignity , yet he 's done what none of us have done . That 's what I thought this afternoon . I remember the small room off the kitchen where my father slept in a single bed against the wall , in the corner . Above the bed hung an oil painting he was proud of because his cousin had painted it . He led me to believe that this cousin was a well known painter in Hungary , something I don 't think is true though I have been in that man 's home and seen that he was a true artist , devoting his life to it . My mother had red geraniums in window boxes when I was little . She brought them into the dining room in winter . I did not like their furry leaves , the unrelenting red color . Living in Athens 25 years later I saw balcony upon balcony filled with geraniums in pinks and fucia , and when I returned to Manhattan I sought to duplicate that profusion on the tiny balcony overlooking Washington Square Park , and at every place I have lived ever since , welcoming geraniums , even red ones , so willing to bloom and add color . I lay in bed a few nights ago , thinking about the woman who would be arriving the next day from India . I would be greeting her . " It would be nice to wear a Punjabi , " I thought , the long cotton tunics and matching pants that I had learned to wear in India . But I didn 't have them anymore . " I could wear a sari , " I thought . I had plenty of those . I had not for one split micro - second considered wearing my Indian clothes since I 'd had a woman turn one of my red silk sari 's into a short , strapless wedding dress , cutting up a second sari for the lining . I had so many of them , even after the laundry next to the ashram in Ganeshpuri failed to return a couple . It had taken me a long time to notice that two were missing - the laundry , from long experience with Westerners , knew this was a good risk to take . As I lay in bed , in the dark , not sleeping yet , I knew I wouldn 't wear a sari to work the next day , but I could wear a sari , I thought to the huge fancy dinner Saturday night . I pictured myself in a perfectly wrapped , graceful sari , taking everyone by surprise . There would be a good number of Indian women at the global conference dinner , and it could be my way of diminishing the barriers between our cultures . I loved the idea . I got up and told Fred about it with the peculiar excitement I get sometimes when I 've come up with something brand new . As soon as I had voiced the idea , I drew back . Maybe I should dress a little more ordinary . I shouldn 't draw attention away from the people who were the real stars of the night , the ones who had conceived of and worked for over a year on this event . And besides , I didn 't have a sari petticoat . The next morning , in the early grey of dawn when I could have been writing , I looked online for an Indian clothing store nearby . Nothing . I found sari petticoats for sale online , but they would not arrive on time . Who did I know who was Indian who I borrow from ? A woman at work had married an Indian man and lived with her Indian mother - in - law . I Facebooked a message to her and she replied quickly . No , she didn 't have one . " My friend uses a regular slip , " she suggested , but I knew you can 't wrap a sari with a regular slip . I showered . I moved through the still - early morning , still at home . Another local friend who knew so many people also had no ideas . And then I thought of all the women in my town who had beeI opened the box . They were as fresh in their air - tight box as if I had put them away a few days before . Each one had its own story - this one had been a gift from Christina , the Italian friend of Antonioni 's wife . This one had once been Hemananda 's and I remembered the morning when Gurumayi had spread out Hemananda 's old sari 's and invited us to the secret conference room to pick one . I tried on the little cotton blouses , each one a different color but absolutely identical . I had hoped to find one where the sleeves were not so tight , but then I remembered how the seamstress , somewhere in Bombay , had measured me and made them all exactly the same . I could still get into them , but only just . " Let me see if I remember how , " I thought . Something in me was eager to re - enter these waters . There was something I wanted to feel again . I began tucking and folding , but one thing went wrong . I clicked on YouTube and watched a 4 - minute video made by a young woman and remembered the step I had forgotten . The dinner was now two days away . Will I do it , I wondered as I went through my days . No . Yes . Maybe . And then I was packing for the weekend , packing two other dresses that would work just fine . I just had to slip one over my head and I 'd be done . And now there 's just a few minutes before my ride arrives and I watch myself pull out the ironing board , iron the blouse , choose the blue sari because the drape of it is so beautiful - the stiffer fabrics do not hang so sweetly - and I take them with me , still not certain . It is time to dress . There is no mirror in my single room . " I 'll try , " I think . " Maybe it won 't work . " I tie the petticoat tight at the waist . I get my arms through the tight sleeves of the little blouse and pull each little hook through the tiny stitched eyelets made of matching thread . I lay the sari on the bed , look closely at the silk to determine which side is the right side , the one with the strongest colors , and I begin to tuck , seeing myself standing in that room in Ganeshpuri , the cool smooth floor , the square column in the middle of the room , the two pink bedspreads , mine in the corner , Kevali 's under the window . There were always beautiful women in the ashram who wore their saris perfectly , like swans gliding . Though I had tried hard somehow I had never quite pulled that look off . You can look so frumpy in a sari if you don 't get it right . I tucked the pleats in and went out to the bathroom to look in the mirror over the sink . It looked all right . In fact , I think I nailed it . How could that be - how could I have wrapped this sari better than any sari I had ever wrapped before ? I stepped out into the evening , the silk caressing me . I moved easily , at home in the garment that I knew looked like an evening dress , but that I knew I could stack wood in if I needed to . Posted by Leela had to do with being an artist in the city . That 's what I wanted to be . I had brought myself to the city , had watched as the sidewalk did not sprout friendships and typed pages like mushrooms , but there was Leela . She had become beautiful since college . Her resume was so much better than mine . She 'd become a model of all things , flying to St . Bart 's and Japan , showing up in Vogue . But Leela had all that and a studio apartment in the Village and a job at an art gallery . She spoke of grown - up friends , like Jonathan who wrote for Rolling Stone and gave her ideas for what to read next . Paul Bowles . She 'd speak of these people casually , with a little laugh of amusement , and we read Oriana Fallaci 's autobiography and both wanted to be her : daredevil writer . Leela had a large loom in her dark studio almost - unfurnished apartment . I loved the loom and that she knew how to use it , but when she and I went out to dinner she talked of how she wasn 't weaving . Milo , the gallery , her model friends were in one world , and she kept me in a separate one . I wanted my life to flower . I wanted to be rushing to parties , and I was not . At all . She was , but on the other side of the partition , and I couldn 't quite figure it out - why I was not invited - - and answered those questions by not asking them . She gave me a pair of earrings made of lapis lazuli . She named the stone as if it were magic as she handed me the small box in the tiny restaurant . I treasured the small blue stones . I treasured too the cast - off dress she gave me - not because it had been hers but because it really was a wonderful dress - blue and loose and long and flowing . I was mad at her the afternoon we walked through Soho , her actually walking into the clothing stores that looked like art galleries , trying on cowboy boots that cost 100s of dollars while I wondered how to make $ 10 last the weekend . I loved her face - the high wide cheekbones , the narrow blue eyes that became slits when she smiled . And I wanted my camera to capture what I saw . She stood for me once , dressed in black leather jacket , by the window of Jeffrey 's empty apartment where I was camping out . She stood by the window as I held up my mother 's 35mm Exakta , the one she had passed on to me , and I hoped for a rich black and white portrait of this face I loved to look at , and I printed two shots on 8x10 paper - one where she is looking at the camera like a model , and the other where she is laughing and blurry . Neither was what I wanted exactly . We spoke on the phone . When we hung up I knew I would not call or write again . What was it ? A cold cold wind on a barren wasteland - somewhere between the words and what she said , the allusions to things that again cost more money than I had ever seen , her presence a place I knew could not give warmth or nurturance of any kind . Posted by Her face was eager and friendly . We met during my first week of boarding school . She asked right away during evening playtime if we could be best friends and I said yes , not thinking about it very much . I would never have said no to such a request . That would be mean . The next day Ann told me with delight that she had jumped up and down on her bed shouting , " I 've got a best friend ! I 've got a best friend ! " and I was surprised . The event had not been so special for me . But Ann and I remained an official couple for my three - year stay at St . Mary 's . She told me with pride that she came from a place called " the Lake District . " She spoke of it often enough that I could not imagine her coming from any other place . No rubber ball in Stones . Just stones . Stones gathered from outside . In Jacks you had the leisurely time of a rubber ball that would touch the floor and bounce back up to be caught . A stone , tossed in the air , had to be caught before it hit the floor , while some acrobatic was performed with the other stones , the other hand . We climbed on board . After all , Lucy Ann had brought this game . Lucy Ann was my real favorite . Her face was unusually pretty , like a doll , and her singular talent , setting her apart from anyone I had ever known , was her grown - up singing voice , louder and more confident than anyone else 's , sounding like an adult 's . But it wasn 't just the prettiness and the voice , she was the most interesting , the one who saw movies during school holidays like The Good , The Bad and The Ugly , movies my parents would not think to take me to . Her parents were divorced , . Sometimes she was with her dad , sometimes with her mother . She had an older brother . Her life at home more adult - sounding than mine . So I pushed to master Stones , but Stones was not a good - natured friend like Jacks . Stones had a harshness to it , a feeling of having to grit your teeth , but there was no going back . I had to keep up . Posted by I am here now , alone in the quiet of a Monday morning , not going with everyone else to work . I 've pulled myself off the track and now there is nothing else except the white walls of my room , the white shelves that came from my parents ' house , holding mostly books from college English classes - poetry collections that span a few hundred years - Dante , Milton - the thick book of translated Japanese poetry with the picture of the sunflower on the cover . I like my collection of paperbacks . I don 't open them all the time , but I like having them there , steady companions , reminding me who I am , what I want . I sit at the white wooden desk that my mother got for me as a child . I have a manual white portable typewriter you can carry around in a grey case , inherited from when my mother tried to teach herself to type . It types in small , cramped pica type , not the fuller Courier that most typewriters use . I am here on W . 91st Street up on the fourth floor , and it seems like the right place for writing . I don 't think too much about how to pay the rent . Maybe I can learn carpentry . So many artists have interesting off - the - map skills . I want one of those . Being a secretary is the worst thing I can think of , but this is what I have always done for cash . I help two women clean up their apartment . They have been living together as a couple for 20 years and are splitting up . They have grey hair and I can tell they like me for my youth , energy and prettiness . I work mostly with the one who is moving out , she is the more quirky of the two , the one more at a loss . The one staying in the apartment has something tidy , organized , academic about her , a collection of ancient clay figurines from archeological digs lines her long window sills . The one I help is an artist of some kind . She tells me about two carpenters she knows and I ask if I can apprentice with them . They are two young men doing fancy cabinentry in wealthy apartments . I tag along a few times , sanding , bored , I quit . I do write a little . I describe the walk I took Posted by My father 's voice on the other end of the phone , sounding serious and strict , telling me , no , don 't quit that job , but his voice is far away and I am going to quit this job . I was so extremely happy yesterday morning , striding down Broadway in my sneakers and flowing blue skirt , so sure and excited - yes , I 'm going to quit this job , this office , this desk , this path to nowhere , and I 'm going to freelance , do odd jobs , and sit down every morning and write . I 'm going to live in New York City in my square , high - ceilinged corner room and every day I will write - something , I don 't know what , but surely something will come . My father does not respond to my excitement . His voice is heavy and stern . No , do not quit that job . And I think again how silly he is . In high school I gave him a copy of Babbitt . I 'd just read it for English class and I thought it described my father , or at least that part of him that was ordinary and worried about things that didn 't worry me . My father told me stories for years and years , stories of the bombs in Budapest , living with other families from the apartment building down in the basement , stories of him sneaking back upstairs with his friends to play records and dance . His stories though are not real to me , not as real as this office I will leave in two weeks . It feels good to just walk away . " Why ? " asks my boss , sitting at his desk when I tell him . He is a nice man , round , tubby , grey - haired , Irish , who originally wanted to be a ballet dancer which of course was not allowed , nor was being gay , but he was gay anyway , with a young handsome boyfriend called Andy . " Why ? " asked Patrick . And I really tried to answer him , tears coming into my eyes with the effort . Something about this life where the bookcovers had to please the salesmen more than anyone else , something about how if I stayed here I 'd be doing the same thing for 40 years , over and over in a tiny world of editors and publishers - it felt claustrophobic and middle - aged and bland . I didn 't say that . IPosted by Steve is at the door of our one - bedroom cottage . It is night . He has shown up here in L . A . from New York . We haven 't been in touch . He was a blonde boy in New York who never tried to kiss me though I wanted him to , and now he is here at the doorstep , blonde pony tail , saying can he crash for the night ? Jeffrey , my boyfriend watching TV on the couch , doesn 't know Steve , and , knowing Jeffrey , doesn 't want to . " Hold on , " I say to Steve . " Let me check , " and I lightly close the door . This is not how I want to be . I want to be the hippy chick whose door is always open , who has friends who can show up any time . This is who Steve thinks I am . This is who I have professed to be . But he has never seen me with Jeffrey . " Who was that ? " Jeffrey glances up , his head bent over the long blue ceramic pipe , inhaling as he holds a match to the bowl . " My friend , Steve , " I say . " He 's in town from New York . He needs a place for the night . " I don 't have friends , especially friends that count . My friends , like my family , don 't count for much . Jeffrey 's do . He likes his friends from college and high school . He likes his sister , his father , stepmother , that whole crowd . But my people seem shabby . Not bright , sophisticated , not quick - witted , not wealthy . Not from Manhattan . " Well , tell him to get a hotel . There 's plenty of them up on Hollywood . " Maybe I push back and forth a bit , but it doesn 't matter . I have to open the front door and step out onto the small terra cotta porch and say to Steve , " I 'm sorry , but I can 't put you up , but I can give you a lift up to some hotels nearby . " Jeffrey has said this is normal . " You can 't just show up and expect - " he had said , and so I am hopeful that maybe Steve is in the wrong and it 's okay and normal to send him to a hotel . And I do it and he is gone and I try to just believe everything is all right . Posted by She kept the case in the top drawer of her bureau where she kept underwear and silk scarves . The bureau was of smooth unpolished wood with a fine grain . The plainness of it reminded me of her too . As did the rough wide wooden boards of the floor . I liked to sit on the edge of her bed , unzip the soft green jewelry case and finger through the tangled jumble of necklaces , bracelets and earrings . Cuba was something to do with their life from before I was born , some hazy indistinct past . The way my father said " Cuba " in his voice with his Hungarian inflection stamped Cuba as one of our places . Iowa was not one of our places , nor Cleveland . But Cuba was . British Columbia was . Hungary was . New England was - both parents talked about how pretty it was in the fall . Even Philadelphia was one of our places because my father 's Hungarian friends lived there . Once , years and years later , I came upon the metal box of Cuba shells in the garage . My mother was beside me . The shells were still there despite all the many moves . Now though they are gone and I wish they weren 't . Pretty much everything is gone . When the house that held if not all of it , at least a good deal of it , was sold , my mother filled a storage unit with what she did not get rid of immediately . She did it alone - my father back in Hungary , my sisters and I off in our own worlds . I closed the box . " Let 's just throw them all away without opening them , " I said , brash and 30 , living in an ashram where belongings had no place . " Okay , " my mother said , and for an hour we heaved cardboard boxes filled with our past into a dumpster . QUESTION , NO ANSWER . QUITE . I met a little girl a few days ago , 9 years old , the same age I was when I went to boarding school . My adult friend told me how the little girl was stressed because her mother had left her with her grandparents for a few days , all as planned , a summer vacation . " Oh no , " my friend laughed . " I never wanted to be alone . I panicked if I was alone ! " And I imagined a big expressive family where she felt at home , a family that - now in her 50s - seems hard to be free of . When I was 16 I was getting ready to babysit some small little child . The parents were gathering their things , ready to leave . The child started to cry . The mother crouched down . " I love you , sweetie , " she said . " I 'll be back soon . " Something in me froze , caught . I love you . Those words . Words I had never heard from a parent to a child . I thought those words were just for romances , and I was waiting for mine , hungrily , waiting for the boy who would go crazy for me , love me the way Loenard Cohen and Bob Dylan loved their lovers . She did those things when I was at home and I liked them . She went to each of our three beds . Each kid got a cheerful good - night and a peck . We were living in England then , in a small house with many rooms crammed into it , like a doll 's house . My father was proud that he had found it so quickly , in one day of looking at rentals within commuting distance of London . My father told me when he did things that proved he was better than other people . He told me with a big smile , and a " You see ? " in his voice . There were four bedrooms upstairs , one in each corner of the square second floor . My room was at the top of the stairs , defined by the red curtains that fell floor - to - ceiling and opened and closed with a string . When I sat on the floor , leaning against my bed , my feet touched the white - wood wardrobe . My two sisters shared the next room , defined by blue curtains and bunk - beds . My mother 's room had pink curtains and my father 's were dark green . Curtains that came with the house . And then 3 years later suddenly overnight friends turned against me , girls said mean things , girls I had been playing with for years , girls I wrote long letters to during school breaks , girls whose fat envelopes in return burst through the brass letter slot and onto the black and white checkerboard floor of the front hall . Overnight , the temperature changed , and I asked my mother to change schools . She did not ask why . I did not say . And the next year I began at a school near the little tiny doll 's - house house , a school I returned home from every afternoon . And now everything was different . I was in the wrong place , an ordinary school , not a place that put me in a different , separate world , the way my father was in a different , separate world . A school where I had no magic , no friends appeared as they always had before , and I became what I dreaded , a side - figure , a someone more like my mother than my father . Posted by Last night " Sixty Minutes " talked about eating sugar and " the reward center " in your brain . I didn 't know this was a scientific term , its use taken for granted by the reporter and the doctors on the show . The reward center . I was to understand that eating sugar was addictive and connected to this place in the brain that lights up happily when you reward yourself . " Sixty Minutes " also talked about people who can 't recognize faces , not even those of their own children . And I thought of my first few weeks at my current job and how I divided people by hair color , unable to see differentiating characteristics in the crowd of new faces . And now I could never mistake Melissa for Amy for Rose even though they all have long blonde hair . My mother is having a hernia operation on Friday and my two sisters will each do a bit of homecare . I am not there . I will send an audio book of one of the books featured in the memoir festival . I was going to send her Townie , but maybe I should send her a McCourt book . I wanted to send a pretty nightgown too . And flowers . But I haven 't done any of it yet . I am scared to spend money . It 's awful , but I am . An irrational reflex fear that if I spend it 'll all be gone forever . Where I am sitting there is a small birdcage with a tiny potted jade plant inside that looks pale but alive . The birdcage - far too small for any bird - but pretty with a domed roof , made of wood painted a pale olive green , sits at an angle on a bed of moss that still has most of its green but is drying out and going brown fast . A bunch of ferns , thoroughly dead , has been thrust between the birdcage and the wall . If I looked further I 'd see that dead sunflower in a glass vase , but I turn away and look , instead , out the window . Posted by We are chatting as we drive . I catch her eye and imagine this is a moment when her boyfriend probably tells her she 's beautiful . She has twisted her long blonde hair up off her shoulders and her brown eyes have their cute , pert look . Often she looks different - efficient and executive , taking her job seriously , frowning , a little ticked off about something that is not going well . This evening though she is young and happy that it 's summer and she can afford to go out for dinner . She has handled her modest income well . School debt and car debt paid off . She signed up for the credit card with the most frequent flier miles . The last few chapters have been going smoothly . The whole Greece section will need at least another read - through . It 's been difficult and I 've given up once or twice . But the end of the Greece section moving into the London piece has been fun and easy to re - enter . I read the sentences I wrote a year or two ago and I step back into those scenes . Sometimes as I am reading I feel like it 's not good enough , I am not saying enough , the sentences seem so bare , like the skeleton of the scene without its flesh . But unless new words come quickly , I urge myself not to worry , not to linger , to just keep reading . My boss today asked me how I was . In a firestorm of activity and rushing , she turns and says , " How are you ? " and I say , " I 've gone back to the manuscript . Remember how I told you I had set it aside ? " She nods , brightening , easily forgetting the person who is on hold and the email she must answer five minutes ago . We last talked about my writing about a month ago at a wedding , both us drinking wine , making conversation easy and slippery . This afternoon she says , " Good ! " immediately and talks about my other book which she liked and I soak up her sweet generosity . This afternoon I found myself being angry at a woman who keeps saying with passion and sincerity how much she wants to write and come to the workshops . But she doesn 't come . Or she says she will and then her sink gets clogged or her cat gets sick . I was having angry thoughts about this woman . And then I thought about how if I wasn 't careful I probably wasn 't going to write anything for the workshop tonight , how I wanted to , but it was going to slip away from me and I was going to let it just like that woman . And it gave me the strength to move like an arrow - straight to a friend 's office to ask for a tea bag , straight over to the café with notebook and pen , to sit down with the empty page . In the afternoon I lie here with a story book my grandmother sent . I turn the pages . My mother is downstairs . She feels very close , not like when it 's night and my parents are all the way downstairs at the bottom of the house . She is just below in her bedroom and if I call she will say something back . I have to stay here though as long as I can bear it in the quiet of the afternoon , turning the pages of the book , telling myself the story by looking at the pictures . My father brings home presents from his business trip . Toys . I like when my father comes home . It is exciting . There are presents . He is laughing . He gives my sister a wooden house , brightly colored . Hours later my sister makes me very angry , very very angry and I take the new wooden house in both my hands and I drop it from the window at the top of our house , the window that fits right into the V of the roof . I drop the toy house from the window where it falls all the way down to the ground and smashes , right below the big spreading maple . My little sister is blonde with round cheeks . People say when they come to visit that she looks like my mother and they say I look like my father . I don 't see what they are seeing , but it happens every time . This is fine with me . I like my Dad best . My mother on the phone two nights ago asks me about my life . She really does . And I hear myself telling her things , speaking for a few sentences at a time . It is unusual , her holding the door for me like this , and holding it still longer so that I really step through . It feels different . Most of the conversation is about what I am doing , and I feel her hand on the rudder gently keeping the direction of the conversation in place . This is brand new . And she tells me of a conversation she had years ago with someone who was describing me , something she remembered , and she told me what the person had said . I don 't remember receiving like this from my mother . My mother made sure we ate three meals a day . She made sure our clothes were clean , our bed was made , that we had a warm sweater and enough blankets . And then when most of our contact became phone conversations - decades of them - I kept quiet . I let her talk . And when I got bored I said good - bye , and then I would miss her and call again . When I miss my mother I miss her voice most of all . " You 're so private ! " she said once , teasing . Her other kids , she said , tell her more than I do . I didn 't feel room to talk . I didn 't want to talk . When I tried , the words felt like heavy stone blocks , not worth anyone 's effort . She lives now in a northern California town . It feels so alien , like not a place where my family tribe would live . My sisters put her there , she , the 88 - year - old who grew up in the wilds of frontier British Columbia is in a one - bedroom apartment with an air conditioner and yes , it 's comfortable , and yes , she has made a new life there , but it will always feel like an uprooting to me . Before she lived in a small house that I found for her that seemed perfect , and was , but not permanently so , and this is what took me by surprise . When I visit my mother now I sit at the small round table in the kitchen half of the long room that is a living room in the other half . I sit while she stands , stooped , over the stove , stirring , peering . I take in her familiar gestures . They have become precious to me . There is that and there are also glimpses of other moments . I sat , we were talking the last time I visited , disagreeing about something . I felt her rock - solid wall , an obstinancy that refused anything coming in from outside . That hardness I remembered and I knew my father knew that irrational closed door . There 's little cause these days for seeing that part of my mother though she hinted at it the other night . Referring to the surgery she 's about to have she said " and I 'll take plenty of drugs because I get very crabby when I 'm in pain , " and as she said the words I could feel the anger behind them , or maybe I imagined it , but I felt the ball of fear inside of me at the thought of my mother 's anger . Posted by I write , then come up for air , then look at what I have unearthed . It usually looks like just a handful of dust , not worth much . I could easily toss it out and forget about it . But I don 't . Not anymore . I add it to the pile . I am not sure what I am building , but this is all I have . For some reason , it is my most precious thing , the one thing that feels purely my own . In addition to regular workshops in Woodstock , NY , I offer one Authentic Writing workshop a month in Manhattan , always on a Saturday morning . If you want to write or to deepen the writing you are doing , please come along ! We meet at TRS , 40 Exchange Place , 3rd Floor . You will take home a great deal of writing plus the momentum and enthusiasm to continue . For more info : AuthenticWriting . com |
I sat in the front desk , the row of desks extending behind me . I sat towards the right hand side of the room , off center , away from the door . Mrs . Turner 's desk was at the back of the room . I followed her into a noisy room where all the kids were talking at once to each other . They didn 't sit in rows . They sat at tables across from each other . They threw things at each other and the teacher yelled at them . Mrs . Turner has brown hair pinned up in a bun . She is kind and gentle . She likes me . I like her . She invited me to sit in a chair facing the kids and read them the Peter Pan story . I like to hold up the book to show them the pictures the way teachers always do . Mrs . Turner interrupted me one time from her desk at the back of the room to explain how to pronounce the word " island , " which was coming up a lot in the Peter Pan story . I was pronouncing it the way it is written . We pull our chairs into a circle , some of us , on the side of the classroom to read out loud . The book we are reading from - we each have a hardback copy , a dark grey / turquoise cover with black letters - has a long word in its title that I cannot decipher . Usually I am the one who knows all the words . I am embarrassed that I don 't know this one . I don 't ask anyone what it is . I got home one day after school with Mrs . Turner because my mother cannot come get me . The creek at the bottom of our driveway is flooded and no one can get through . So Mrs . Turner takes me home with her . She lives in a small house . She has a husband . The house is quiet . She puts me to bed in a tall , high bed , a double bed . I like this bed . It feels old - fashioned , so high up off the ground . At playtime at school we play in the playground . We play jump rope . Two girls twirl the rope , one at each end , and we take turns standing by the edge of the turning rope , our body moving with its rhythm until we know the moment we can jump in without tripping or stopping the regular turn of the long rope . " Paul John George Ringo ! " we chant as each girl jumps inside the circle of the turning rope . Paul John George Ringo , " and when finally each girl misses her beat , stumbles and gets in the way of the turning rope , whatever name was last called - be it Paul or John or George or Ringo - we know that 's the one she is secretly in love with , and everybody laughs . When I was 11 I lived in England in a white house with a bumpy , stuccoey surface . The roof came up in two peaks , one on the left , one on the right with a flat piece in the middle that ate the tennis balls I smacked against the one windowless wall . You walked through a short black swinging metal gate with a latch , from the sidewalk , along a short straight concrete path to a black front door with a brass letter slot through which letters got pushed in the mornings . It wasn 't our normal kind of house . It came with all its own furniture . Each bedroom - - and there were four - - had its own color of floor - to - ceiling drapes that opened and closed with a string and white chiffon curtains that were underneath , like a petticoat . The floor - to - ceiling drapes with their pull - open strings were foreign , one of the things that no house of ours would ever have . Everything else was normal except the vanity table in my mother 's bedroom . It was glass - topped and kidney - shaped , but the most unfamily , unmother part was its pretty pink and white striped skirt . My mother lived in the pink room , my father in the dark green , my two little sisters in the blue , and I in the red . But my father wasn 't there much . He was a visitor on weekends , often away on business trips for two or three weeks at a time , returning with presents . My father was there in suit , with swagger , and I knew I was in good hands , that he could take care of things like airports and hotels much better than my mother could . Things went wrong when I was with my mother . We missed turn - offs , got lost , and sometimes bashed up the car . But these things didn 't happen when I was with my father . We went to a hotel . This was the kind of thing you did with my dad . He liked things like that . His restaurants were fancy , my mother 's were not . My father showed me my room , his room , and the bathroom that connected them . " What 's that ? " I asked , pointing at a bathroom fixture I 'd never seen before . " It 's for ladies to wash their wee - wee , " my father said with some kind of smile , some kind of upbeat that I could not echo . I looked away , looking for the next stone to step onto , away from the strange object in the bathroom . He took me out of the city to a skyscraper of apartments , a skyscraper out of place amongst snow and mountain slopes . He liked this place . He had been talking about it back in England , telling me with some kind of deliciousness about " après - ski . " He liked to tell me his things . He took me on walks , away from mother and sisters , and told me the good things in his life We sat at dinner in the glittery restaurant on the ground floor of the skyscraper , and a blonde woman was with us . My father said I should call her Aunt Helga . She was pretty , old like my father , her hair pale blonde and cut short . Her eyes were blue and she wore make - up and jewelry and high heels and pretty clothes . She wore the clothes my mother never wore and laughed a lot with my father . My father ran his index finger down her nose and teased her for having a nose like a ski jump . She asked me if I would ever marry a black man . " I 'll marry anyone I want to , " I said , and they laughed . My father took me to a French bookstore and chose some books for me to take back to school , picture books with French words and a tiny dictionary with a soft plastic cover that I could hold in the palm of my hand . And he took me to a hairdresser where the ladies cut my hair and put it in two pony tails , covering the rubber bands with black velvet bands . My father came to get me , talked French with the ladies , made much of their work , and pressed upon me that I must not lose those black velvet bands . We went to Aunt Helga 's house in Geneva for dinner , a fancy dining room where I sat up straight . " Look , " said my father , so at ease and at home here , " she can press a button under the table with her foot so Maria knows to bring the soup . " There was a small wrapped gift to the left of my fork . I pretended not to notice . It seemed like the polite thing to do , not to assume anything was for me . Towards the end of the meal my father suggests I open it . Inside , from Aunt Helga , is a red leather cover with the word " Passport " stamped in gold . I say thank you . My father expresses admiration for the beautiful cover . It is a grown - up present , not something I can play with . And then I am in the taxi coming back from the airport . My father is in the spacious back seat of the cab with me . We are playing and goofing around in a way we have never done before . I am pretending to be a grown - up lady , like Helga . I am making jokes and my father is laughing at my grown - up jokes . And then I go one step further . I call him Mickie . That 's what Helga had called him . And with that word I pull back . I stop this game . It doesn 't feel good anymore . It scares me . Posted by Perhaps it was on the short trip to Switzerland when I was 11 . It was some time when I was alone with my father . It was evening , after dinner , and we were in the lounge of a hotel or a fancy restaurant amongst expensive couches , perhaps a blazing fireplace . I was sitting next to my father on a couch while he nursed a drink and he was telling me about the war , about Hungary and his eyes were full of tears . He caught my eye and smiled a little as if to acknowledge or apologize for the tears , which did not spill over , but remained in his eyes . Recently , I was thinking about one of the stories my father liked to tell me . It was about how his father , as a young man , had planted fruit trees out in the country by the ancestral thatched - roof cottage in which he 'd been born . By then my grandfather lived in Budapest , but the family returned frequently to the village for vacations . My father liked to tell me in detail how his father had dreamed of beautiful fruit trees , had purchased them , planted them full of hope and how the rabbits had eaten and destroyed the saplings . The lovely lovely dream came to naught . It was told as a heartrending tale and I received it as such . My poor grandfather . He had his heart broken . A week or two ago I thought - wait a minute . So what the rabbits ate them ? Why didn 't he plant again , or figure out an anti - rabbit strategy ? Why was one failure so important ? My father did a lot of giving up , I think , took failure very seriously . Lost his house , jobs , money , the bits of prestige that came his way . He told me a lot of sad stories . When I was a little girl I said out loud one day , basing my opinion on my father and his friends who often came then to the house , that Hungarians are sad . This made my father laugh , and he repeated it for years , almost proudly , as if , yes , that 's how Hungarians are and should be . When I visited him in Budapest where he went to live for the last 25 years of his life my father took me to the apartment of an old girlfriend for dinner . A plain woman now who spoke witMartaSzabo I thought of my father today for a moment or two . Wondered how his death had felt to him . Imagined him in the narrow room off the kitchen in the Budapest apartment , the room designed for a maid , the room that had originally belonged to my great aunt Dora , my grandmother 's sister , the designated artist . The family has lived in this apartment for over 80 years . My mother told me that when my sister visited there recently she objected to sleeping in that room because my father had died there . My aunt had responded that it was impossible to find a room in that apartment where no one had died . I just thought of my father being the first and the only one of us five to die , to have crossed over that mysterious border . My father , whose reputation amongst his wife and children , holds little dignity , yet he 's done what none of us have done . That 's what I thought this afternoon . I remember the small room off the kitchen where my father slept in a single bed against the wall , in the corner . Above the bed hung an oil painting he was proud of because his cousin had painted it . He led me to believe that this cousin was a well known painter in Hungary , something I don 't think is true though I have been in that man 's home and seen that he was a true artist , devoting his life to it . My mother had red geraniums in window boxes when I was little . She brought them into the dining room in winter . I did not like their furry leaves , the unrelenting red color . Living in Athens 25 years later I saw balcony upon balcony filled with geraniums in pinks and fucia , and when I returned to Manhattan I sought to duplicate that profusion on the tiny balcony overlooking Washington Square Park , and at every place I have lived ever since , welcoming geraniums , even red ones , so willing to bloom and add color . I lay in bed a few nights ago , thinking about the woman who would be arriving the next day from India . I would be greeting her . " It would be nice to wear a Punjabi , " I thought , the long cotton tunics and matching pants that I had learned to wear in India . But I didn 't have them anymore . " I could wear a sari , " I thought . I had plenty of those . I had not for one split micro - second considered wearing my Indian clothes since I 'd had a woman turn one of my red silk sari 's into a short , strapless wedding dress , cutting up a second sari for the lining . I had so many of them , even after the laundry next to the ashram in Ganeshpuri failed to return a couple . It had taken me a long time to notice that two were missing - the laundry , from long experience with Westerners , knew this was a good risk to take . As I lay in bed , in the dark , not sleeping yet , I knew I wouldn 't wear a sari to work the next day , but I could wear a sari , I thought to the huge fancy dinner Saturday night . I pictured myself in a perfectly wrapped , graceful sari , taking everyone by surprise . There would be a good number of Indian women at the global conference dinner , and it could be my way of diminishing the barriers between our cultures . I loved the idea . I got up and told Fred about it with the peculiar excitement I get sometimes when I 've come up with something brand new . As soon as I had voiced the idea , I drew back . Maybe I should dress a little more ordinary . I shouldn 't draw attention away from the people who were the real stars of the night , the ones who had conceived of and worked for over a year on this event . And besides , I didn 't have a sari petticoat . The next morning , in the early grey of dawn when I could have been writing , I looked online for an Indian clothing store nearby . Nothing . I found sari petticoats for sale online , but they would not arrive on time . Who did I know who was Indian who I borrow from ? A woman at work had married an Indian man and lived with her Indian mother - in - law . I Facebooked a message to her and she replied quickly . No , she didn 't have one . " My friend uses a regular slip , " she suggested , but I knew you can 't wrap a sari with a regular slip . I showered . I moved through the still - early morning , still at home . Another local friend who knew so many people also had no ideas . And then I thought of all the women in my town who had beeI opened the box . They were as fresh in their air - tight box as if I had put them away a few days before . Each one had its own story - this one had been a gift from Christina , the Italian friend of Antonioni 's wife . This one had once been Hemananda 's and I remembered the morning when Gurumayi had spread out Hemananda 's old sari 's and invited us to the secret conference room to pick one . I tried on the little cotton blouses , each one a different color but absolutely identical . I had hoped to find one where the sleeves were not so tight , but then I remembered how the seamstress , somewhere in Bombay , had measured me and made them all exactly the same . I could still get into them , but only just . " Let me see if I remember how , " I thought . Something in me was eager to re - enter these waters . There was something I wanted to feel again . I began tucking and folding , but one thing went wrong . I clicked on YouTube and watched a 4 - minute video made by a young woman and remembered the step I had forgotten . The dinner was now two days away . Will I do it , I wondered as I went through my days . No . Yes . Maybe . And then I was packing for the weekend , packing two other dresses that would work just fine . I just had to slip one over my head and I 'd be done . And now there 's just a few minutes before my ride arrives and I watch myself pull out the ironing board , iron the blouse , choose the blue sari because the drape of it is so beautiful - the stiffer fabrics do not hang so sweetly - and I take them with me , still not certain . It is time to dress . There is no mirror in my single room . " I 'll try , " I think . " Maybe it won 't work . " I tie the petticoat tight at the waist . I get my arms through the tight sleeves of the little blouse and pull each little hook through the tiny stitched eyelets made of matching thread . I lay the sari on the bed , look closely at the silk to determine which side is the right side , the one with the strongest colors , and I begin to tuck , seeing myself standing in that room in Ganeshpuri , the cool smooth floor , the square column in the middle of the room , the two pink bedspreads , mine in the corner , Kevali 's under the window . There were always beautiful women in the ashram who wore their saris perfectly , like swans gliding . Though I had tried hard somehow I had never quite pulled that look off . You can look so frumpy in a sari if you don 't get it right . I tucked the pleats in and went out to the bathroom to look in the mirror over the sink . It looked all right . In fact , I think I nailed it . How could that be - how could I have wrapped this sari better than any sari I had ever wrapped before ? I stepped out into the evening , the silk caressing me . I moved easily , at home in the garment that I knew looked like an evening dress , but that I knew I could stack wood in if I needed to . Posted by Leela had to do with being an artist in the city . That 's what I wanted to be . I had brought myself to the city , had watched as the sidewalk did not sprout friendships and typed pages like mushrooms , but there was Leela . She had become beautiful since college . Her resume was so much better than mine . She 'd become a model of all things , flying to St . Bart 's and Japan , showing up in Vogue . But Leela had all that and a studio apartment in the Village and a job at an art gallery . She spoke of grown - up friends , like Jonathan who wrote for Rolling Stone and gave her ideas for what to read next . Paul Bowles . She 'd speak of these people casually , with a little laugh of amusement , and we read Oriana Fallaci 's autobiography and both wanted to be her : daredevil writer . Leela had a large loom in her dark studio almost - unfurnished apartment . I loved the loom and that she knew how to use it , but when she and I went out to dinner she talked of how she wasn 't weaving . Milo , the gallery , her model friends were in one world , and she kept me in a separate one . I wanted my life to flower . I wanted to be rushing to parties , and I was not . At all . She was , but on the other side of the partition , and I couldn 't quite figure it out - why I was not invited - - and answered those questions by not asking them . She gave me a pair of earrings made of lapis lazuli . She named the stone as if it were magic as she handed me the small box in the tiny restaurant . I treasured the small blue stones . I treasured too the cast - off dress she gave me - not because it had been hers but because it really was a wonderful dress - blue and loose and long and flowing . I was mad at her the afternoon we walked through Soho , her actually walking into the clothing stores that looked like art galleries , trying on cowboy boots that cost 100s of dollars while I wondered how to make $ 10 last the weekend . I loved her face - the high wide cheekbones , the narrow blue eyes that became slits when she smiled . And I wanted my camera to capture what I saw . She stood for me once , dressed in black leather jacket , by the window of Jeffrey 's empty apartment where I was camping out . She stood by the window as I held up my mother 's 35mm Exakta , the one she had passed on to me , and I hoped for a rich black and white portrait of this face I loved to look at , and I printed two shots on 8x10 paper - one where she is looking at the camera like a model , and the other where she is laughing and blurry . Neither was what I wanted exactly . We spoke on the phone . When we hung up I knew I would not call or write again . What was it ? A cold cold wind on a barren wasteland - somewhere between the words and what she said , the allusions to things that again cost more money than I had ever seen , her presence a place I knew could not give warmth or nurturance of any kind . Posted by Her face was eager and friendly . We met during my first week of boarding school . She asked right away during evening playtime if we could be best friends and I said yes , not thinking about it very much . I would never have said no to such a request . That would be mean . The next day Ann told me with delight that she had jumped up and down on her bed shouting , " I 've got a best friend ! I 've got a best friend ! " and I was surprised . The event had not been so special for me . But Ann and I remained an official couple for my three - year stay at St . Mary 's . She told me with pride that she came from a place called " the Lake District . " She spoke of it often enough that I could not imagine her coming from any other place . No rubber ball in Stones . Just stones . Stones gathered from outside . In Jacks you had the leisurely time of a rubber ball that would touch the floor and bounce back up to be caught . A stone , tossed in the air , had to be caught before it hit the floor , while some acrobatic was performed with the other stones , the other hand . We climbed on board . After all , Lucy Ann had brought this game . Lucy Ann was my real favorite . Her face was unusually pretty , like a doll , and her singular talent , setting her apart from anyone I had ever known , was her grown - up singing voice , louder and more confident than anyone else 's , sounding like an adult 's . But it wasn 't just the prettiness and the voice , she was the most interesting , the one who saw movies during school holidays like The Good , The Bad and The Ugly , movies my parents would not think to take me to . Her parents were divorced , . Sometimes she was with her dad , sometimes with her mother . She had an older brother . Her life at home more adult - sounding than mine . So I pushed to master Stones , but Stones was not a good - natured friend like Jacks . Stones had a harshness to it , a feeling of having to grit your teeth , but there was no going back . I had to keep up . Posted by I am here now , alone in the quiet of a Monday morning , not going with everyone else to work . I 've pulled myself off the track and now there is nothing else except the white walls of my room , the white shelves that came from my parents ' house , holding mostly books from college English classes - poetry collections that span a few hundred years - Dante , Milton - the thick book of translated Japanese poetry with the picture of the sunflower on the cover . I like my collection of paperbacks . I don 't open them all the time , but I like having them there , steady companions , reminding me who I am , what I want . I sit at the white wooden desk that my mother got for me as a child . I have a manual white portable typewriter you can carry around in a grey case , inherited from when my mother tried to teach herself to type . It types in small , cramped pica type , not the fuller Courier that most typewriters use . I am here on W . 91st Street up on the fourth floor , and it seems like the right place for writing . I don 't think too much about how to pay the rent . Maybe I can learn carpentry . So many artists have interesting off - the - map skills . I want one of those . Being a secretary is the worst thing I can think of , but this is what I have always done for cash . I help two women clean up their apartment . They have been living together as a couple for 20 years and are splitting up . They have grey hair and I can tell they like me for my youth , energy and prettiness . I work mostly with the one who is moving out , she is the more quirky of the two , the one more at a loss . The one staying in the apartment has something tidy , organized , academic about her , a collection of ancient clay figurines from archeological digs lines her long window sills . The one I help is an artist of some kind . She tells me about two carpenters she knows and I ask if I can apprentice with them . They are two young men doing fancy cabinentry in wealthy apartments . I tag along a few times , sanding , bored , I quit . I do write a little . I describe the walk I took Posted by My father 's voice on the other end of the phone , sounding serious and strict , telling me , no , don 't quit that job , but his voice is far away and I am going to quit this job . I was so extremely happy yesterday morning , striding down Broadway in my sneakers and flowing blue skirt , so sure and excited - yes , I 'm going to quit this job , this office , this desk , this path to nowhere , and I 'm going to freelance , do odd jobs , and sit down every morning and write . I 'm going to live in New York City in my square , high - ceilinged corner room and every day I will write - something , I don 't know what , but surely something will come . My father does not respond to my excitement . His voice is heavy and stern . No , do not quit that job . And I think again how silly he is . In high school I gave him a copy of Babbitt . I 'd just read it for English class and I thought it described my father , or at least that part of him that was ordinary and worried about things that didn 't worry me . My father told me stories for years and years , stories of the bombs in Budapest , living with other families from the apartment building down in the basement , stories of him sneaking back upstairs with his friends to play records and dance . His stories though are not real to me , not as real as this office I will leave in two weeks . It feels good to just walk away . " Why ? " asks my boss , sitting at his desk when I tell him . He is a nice man , round , tubby , grey - haired , Irish , who originally wanted to be a ballet dancer which of course was not allowed , nor was being gay , but he was gay anyway , with a young handsome boyfriend called Andy . " Why ? " asked Patrick . And I really tried to answer him , tears coming into my eyes with the effort . Something about this life where the bookcovers had to please the salesmen more than anyone else , something about how if I stayed here I 'd be doing the same thing for 40 years , over and over in a tiny world of editors and publishers - it felt claustrophobic and middle - aged and bland . I didn 't say that . IPosted by Steve is at the door of our one - bedroom cottage . It is night . He has shown up here in L . A . from New York . We haven 't been in touch . He was a blonde boy in New York who never tried to kiss me though I wanted him to , and now he is here at the doorstep , blonde pony tail , saying can he crash for the night ? Jeffrey , my boyfriend watching TV on the couch , doesn 't know Steve , and , knowing Jeffrey , doesn 't want to . " Hold on , " I say to Steve . " Let me check , " and I lightly close the door . This is not how I want to be . I want to be the hippy chick whose door is always open , who has friends who can show up any time . This is who Steve thinks I am . This is who I have professed to be . But he has never seen me with Jeffrey . " Who was that ? " Jeffrey glances up , his head bent over the long blue ceramic pipe , inhaling as he holds a match to the bowl . " My friend , Steve , " I say . " He 's in town from New York . He needs a place for the night . " I don 't have friends , especially friends that count . My friends , like my family , don 't count for much . Jeffrey 's do . He likes his friends from college and high school . He likes his sister , his father , stepmother , that whole crowd . But my people seem shabby . Not bright , sophisticated , not quick - witted , not wealthy . Not from Manhattan . " Well , tell him to get a hotel . There 's plenty of them up on Hollywood . " Maybe I push back and forth a bit , but it doesn 't matter . I have to open the front door and step out onto the small terra cotta porch and say to Steve , " I 'm sorry , but I can 't put you up , but I can give you a lift up to some hotels nearby . " Jeffrey has said this is normal . " You can 't just show up and expect - " he had said , and so I am hopeful that maybe Steve is in the wrong and it 's okay and normal to send him to a hotel . And I do it and he is gone and I try to just believe everything is all right . Posted by She kept the case in the top drawer of her bureau where she kept underwear and silk scarves . The bureau was of smooth unpolished wood with a fine grain . The plainness of it reminded me of her too . As did the rough wide wooden boards of the floor . I liked to sit on the edge of her bed , unzip the soft green jewelry case and finger through the tangled jumble of necklaces , bracelets and earrings . Cuba was something to do with their life from before I was born , some hazy indistinct past . The way my father said " Cuba " in his voice with his Hungarian inflection stamped Cuba as one of our places . Iowa was not one of our places , nor Cleveland . But Cuba was . British Columbia was . Hungary was . New England was - both parents talked about how pretty it was in the fall . Even Philadelphia was one of our places because my father 's Hungarian friends lived there . Once , years and years later , I came upon the metal box of Cuba shells in the garage . My mother was beside me . The shells were still there despite all the many moves . Now though they are gone and I wish they weren 't . Pretty much everything is gone . When the house that held if not all of it , at least a good deal of it , was sold , my mother filled a storage unit with what she did not get rid of immediately . She did it alone - my father back in Hungary , my sisters and I off in our own worlds . I closed the box . " Let 's just throw them all away without opening them , " I said , brash and 30 , living in an ashram where belongings had no place . " Okay , " my mother said , and for an hour we heaved cardboard boxes filled with our past into a dumpster . QUESTION , NO ANSWER . QUITE . I met a little girl a few days ago , 9 years old , the same age I was when I went to boarding school . My adult friend told me how the little girl was stressed because her mother had left her with her grandparents for a few days , all as planned , a summer vacation . " Oh no , " my friend laughed . " I never wanted to be alone . I panicked if I was alone ! " And I imagined a big expressive family where she felt at home , a family that - now in her 50s - seems hard to be free of . When I was 16 I was getting ready to babysit some small little child . The parents were gathering their things , ready to leave . The child started to cry . The mother crouched down . " I love you , sweetie , " she said . " I 'll be back soon . " Something in me froze , caught . I love you . Those words . Words I had never heard from a parent to a child . I thought those words were just for romances , and I was waiting for mine , hungrily , waiting for the boy who would go crazy for me , love me the way Loenard Cohen and Bob Dylan loved their lovers . She did those things when I was at home and I liked them . She went to each of our three beds . Each kid got a cheerful good - night and a peck . We were living in England then , in a small house with many rooms crammed into it , like a doll 's house . My father was proud that he had found it so quickly , in one day of looking at rentals within commuting distance of London . My father told me when he did things that proved he was better than other people . He told me with a big smile , and a " You see ? " in his voice . There were four bedrooms upstairs , one in each corner of the square second floor . My room was at the top of the stairs , defined by the red curtains that fell floor - to - ceiling and opened and closed with a string . When I sat on the floor , leaning against my bed , my feet touched the white - wood wardrobe . My two sisters shared the next room , defined by blue curtains and bunk - beds . My mother 's room had pink curtains and my father 's were dark green . Curtains that came with the house . And then 3 years later suddenly overnight friends turned against me , girls said mean things , girls I had been playing with for years , girls I wrote long letters to during school breaks , girls whose fat envelopes in return burst through the brass letter slot and onto the black and white checkerboard floor of the front hall . Overnight , the temperature changed , and I asked my mother to change schools . She did not ask why . I did not say . And the next year I began at a school near the little tiny doll 's - house house , a school I returned home from every afternoon . And now everything was different . I was in the wrong place , an ordinary school , not a place that put me in a different , separate world , the way my father was in a different , separate world . A school where I had no magic , no friends appeared as they always had before , and I became what I dreaded , a side - figure , a someone more like my mother than my father . Posted by Last night " Sixty Minutes " talked about eating sugar and " the reward center " in your brain . I didn 't know this was a scientific term , its use taken for granted by the reporter and the doctors on the show . The reward center . I was to understand that eating sugar was addictive and connected to this place in the brain that lights up happily when you reward yourself . " Sixty Minutes " also talked about people who can 't recognize faces , not even those of their own children . And I thought of my first few weeks at my current job and how I divided people by hair color , unable to see differentiating characteristics in the crowd of new faces . And now I could never mistake Melissa for Amy for Rose even though they all have long blonde hair . My mother is having a hernia operation on Friday and my two sisters will each do a bit of homecare . I am not there . I will send an audio book of one of the books featured in the memoir festival . I was going to send her Townie , but maybe I should send her a McCourt book . I wanted to send a pretty nightgown too . And flowers . But I haven 't done any of it yet . I am scared to spend money . It 's awful , but I am . An irrational reflex fear that if I spend it 'll all be gone forever . Where I am sitting there is a small birdcage with a tiny potted jade plant inside that looks pale but alive . The birdcage - far too small for any bird - but pretty with a domed roof , made of wood painted a pale olive green , sits at an angle on a bed of moss that still has most of its green but is drying out and going brown fast . A bunch of ferns , thoroughly dead , has been thrust between the birdcage and the wall . If I looked further I 'd see that dead sunflower in a glass vase , but I turn away and look , instead , out the window . Posted by We are chatting as we drive . I catch her eye and imagine this is a moment when her boyfriend probably tells her she 's beautiful . She has twisted her long blonde hair up off her shoulders and her brown eyes have their cute , pert look . Often she looks different - efficient and executive , taking her job seriously , frowning , a little ticked off about something that is not going well . This evening though she is young and happy that it 's summer and she can afford to go out for dinner . She has handled her modest income well . School debt and car debt paid off . She signed up for the credit card with the most frequent flier miles . The last few chapters have been going smoothly . The whole Greece section will need at least another read - through . It 's been difficult and I 've given up once or twice . But the end of the Greece section moving into the London piece has been fun and easy to re - enter . I read the sentences I wrote a year or two ago and I step back into those scenes . Sometimes as I am reading I feel like it 's not good enough , I am not saying enough , the sentences seem so bare , like the skeleton of the scene without its flesh . But unless new words come quickly , I urge myself not to worry , not to linger , to just keep reading . My boss today asked me how I was . In a firestorm of activity and rushing , she turns and says , " How are you ? " and I say , " I 've gone back to the manuscript . Remember how I told you I had set it aside ? " She nods , brightening , easily forgetting the person who is on hold and the email she must answer five minutes ago . We last talked about my writing about a month ago at a wedding , both us drinking wine , making conversation easy and slippery . This afternoon she says , " Good ! " immediately and talks about my other book which she liked and I soak up her sweet generosity . This afternoon I found myself being angry at a woman who keeps saying with passion and sincerity how much she wants to write and come to the workshops . But she doesn 't come . Or she says she will and then her sink gets clogged or her cat gets sick . I was having angry thoughts about this woman . And then I thought about how if I wasn 't careful I probably wasn 't going to write anything for the workshop tonight , how I wanted to , but it was going to slip away from me and I was going to let it just like that woman . And it gave me the strength to move like an arrow - straight to a friend 's office to ask for a tea bag , straight over to the café with notebook and pen , to sit down with the empty page . In the afternoon I lie here with a story book my grandmother sent . I turn the pages . My mother is downstairs . She feels very close , not like when it 's night and my parents are all the way downstairs at the bottom of the house . She is just below in her bedroom and if I call she will say something back . I have to stay here though as long as I can bear it in the quiet of the afternoon , turning the pages of the book , telling myself the story by looking at the pictures . My father brings home presents from his business trip . Toys . I like when my father comes home . It is exciting . There are presents . He is laughing . He gives my sister a wooden house , brightly colored . Hours later my sister makes me very angry , very very angry and I take the new wooden house in both my hands and I drop it from the window at the top of our house , the window that fits right into the V of the roof . I drop the toy house from the window where it falls all the way down to the ground and smashes , right below the big spreading maple . My little sister is blonde with round cheeks . People say when they come to visit that she looks like my mother and they say I look like my father . I don 't see what they are seeing , but it happens every time . This is fine with me . I like my Dad best . My mother on the phone two nights ago asks me about my life . She really does . And I hear myself telling her things , speaking for a few sentences at a time . It is unusual , her holding the door for me like this , and holding it still longer so that I really step through . It feels different . Most of the conversation is about what I am doing , and I feel her hand on the rudder gently keeping the direction of the conversation in place . This is brand new . And she tells me of a conversation she had years ago with someone who was describing me , something she remembered , and she told me what the person had said . I don 't remember receiving like this from my mother . My mother made sure we ate three meals a day . She made sure our clothes were clean , our bed was made , that we had a warm sweater and enough blankets . And then when most of our contact became phone conversations - decades of them - I kept quiet . I let her talk . And when I got bored I said good - bye , and then I would miss her and call again . When I miss my mother I miss her voice most of all . " You 're so private ! " she said once , teasing . Her other kids , she said , tell her more than I do . I didn 't feel room to talk . I didn 't want to talk . When I tried , the words felt like heavy stone blocks , not worth anyone 's effort . She lives now in a northern California town . It feels so alien , like not a place where my family tribe would live . My sisters put her there , she , the 88 - year - old who grew up in the wilds of frontier British Columbia is in a one - bedroom apartment with an air conditioner and yes , it 's comfortable , and yes , she has made a new life there , but it will always feel like an uprooting to me . Before she lived in a small house that I found for her that seemed perfect , and was , but not permanently so , and this is what took me by surprise . When I visit my mother now I sit at the small round table in the kitchen half of the long room that is a living room in the other half . I sit while she stands , stooped , over the stove , stirring , peering . I take in her familiar gestures . They have become precious to me . There is that and there are also glimpses of other moments . I sat , we were talking the last time I visited , disagreeing about something . I felt her rock - solid wall , an obstinancy that refused anything coming in from outside . That hardness I remembered and I knew my father knew that irrational closed door . There 's little cause these days for seeing that part of my mother though she hinted at it the other night . Referring to the surgery she 's about to have she said " and I 'll take plenty of drugs because I get very crabby when I 'm in pain , " and as she said the words I could feel the anger behind them , or maybe I imagined it , but I felt the ball of fear inside of me at the thought of my mother 's anger . Posted by I write , then come up for air , then look at what I have unearthed . It usually looks like just a handful of dust , not worth much . I could easily toss it out and forget about it . But I don 't . Not anymore . I add it to the pile . I am not sure what I am building , but this is all I have . For some reason , it is my most precious thing , the one thing that feels purely my own . In addition to regular workshops in Woodstock , NY , I offer one Authentic Writing workshop a month in Manhattan , always on a Saturday morning . If you want to write or to deepen the writing you are doing , please come along ! We meet at TRS , 40 Exchange Place , 3rd Floor . You will take home a great deal of writing plus the momentum and enthusiasm to continue . For more info : AuthenticWriting . com |
We haven 't had any blinds or curtains on our front window for over a year , since we repainted . It was like living in a fishbowl , despite the plants and trees . And it sure got hot on days like today when it was over ninety degrees and the sun streamed in the southwest facing window . Hubby got the blinds a few weeks ago , and they 've been waiting to be installed . I don 't know why I procrastinated , since it took less than an hour . But a hot day was enough to kick start me . The instructions were Spartan . I think all the practice of reading instructions of assembling Ikea furniture helped me . Though the instructions today didn 't have the odd man - like figures on Ikea instructions , humoring me and showing me how assemble step - by - step . Fortunately , window shades are not rocket science , but I only say that because I haven 't tried to restring those things . Here are a couple of pictures . Notice I was catwalking on the window sills using a power drill and wearing a skirt and flip flops . Danger ! Don 't do this at home ! Last night I got a call from our neighbor friend across the street . Her dad , who my kids and his grand kids call Papo , was not expected to be revived and she needed me to stay with her kids while she went to see him . He did pass away , but her mom started to have chest pains and was taken by ambulance to the hospital . I stayed at my neighbor 's home until she and her husband returned a bit after four this morning . Today we are watching their toddler which is a very good thing for Ms . D and Mr . I . Mr . I and Ms . D adored Papo . He treated my kids like grandchildren , and was very kind . Though his health was poor for the past few years , as long as we 've known him actually , he always had a smile and a zest for life . He was a strong Christian , which takes away the sting of losing him , at least for me . I know , and my friend knows , that he is in heaven and is not burdened by pain and illness any longer . But many in the family don 't believe , so his passing will be even harder . We will all miss Papo . Like my experience with my own father , a long illness doesn 't really prepare the family and friends when death finally catches up . It is such a shock , even though you think you are prepared . I pray that God will comfort them . I am thankful for knowing Papo . I am thankful that he was able to go to a graduation party and a family wedding this past weekend and enjoy his family , whom he loved dearly . I am thankful that Mr . I was able to help at the party and see him one last time . My kids will have some more mourning work to do now , which scares me . But having Papo 's grandson over today has been good , especially for Ms . D . We love you , Papo ! Have fun ! It was one of my daughter in law 's birthday today . I 'll call her Green Mama for now , since I think that 's what she said she wanted to be called . If not , I 'll change her name , but Green Mama fits . She loves to do things naturally , cloth diapers , organic cotton , earth friendly soaps , and lately organic , vegan food . I really like that she is trying to be more environmentally conscious . It should be good for their health . As long as she prepares most of her food and cleaning supplies , and I help her out with the sewing and cloth diapers , it should be less expensive , especially in the long run . Yes , you might spend a little more now , but months and years down the road good food and doing things that are easier on the earth will save money and doctor visits . Junk food is cheap , but what does it do to our arteries and digestion over the years ? I wish I could have done more to get my younger kids to eat healthy . They lived on junk food before they came to our home , and they refuse to eat a lot of the healthy food I try to give them . I like it that Green Mama is helping my grandson to eat more vegetables and fruits while he is young , because it sure is hard to change eating habits once they are established . We had a little birthday party for Green Mama today . I grilled garden burgers and cheeseburgers . Hubby loved the garden burgers , but my kids wouldn 't try them . Oh well , maybe they will someday . Happy Birthday , Green Mama Today I went to our pastor 's son 's wedding . My pastor and his wife had only sons until today , when they gained a daughter . They were so happy ! It reminded me how I have also gained two daughters through their marriage to my sons . I 'm so blessed to have them in our family . Tomorrow one of them is having a birthday and I 'll get to see her again . I can 't wait ! I love them both dearly and don 't see them nearly enough . It 's a real balance to love up on them , yet give them the independence young adults thrive on . I 'm still learning how to be a good mother in law ! Oh , and since I got all dressed up for the wedding , I thought I 'd take a picture of myself . Of course the lighting is horrible , and I could only get a head shot holding my phone , but there aren 't many times I get dressed up . I really need to make more dresses that fit my curves . Nothing in the stores fits me well enough . The dress I wore tonight was bought online and was a bit spendy , at least by my standards . I 'll have to take the plunge and learn to adjust a pattern to fit . If I can do it , I 'll wear dresses more often ! Today in horse class , the kids got to ride with someone leading the horse . It was hard to take pictures of the kids , since they were in an odd mood , but I did sneak in a few . It hasn 't been the first time I had a kid who didn 't like his picture taken , only to complain later that there weren 't many photos of when he was little . At least now with digital cameras I don 't have to worry about wasting film on blurred images and hands over the faces . I can take more chances to sneak pictures , which is the only way to get photos of these kids sometimes . Posted by I remembered last night to look up the next court date for the Ms . D 's and Mr . I 's oldest brother who is one of a few of the birth family on trial for murder . I was surprised that today was the day for the next hearing . Perfect timing again ! I told Hubby , who decided to take a few hours off to go to the hearing to support the birth family . Ten minutes before he left , he asked the kids if they wanted to go with him . They said yes , because they hadn 't seen their brother in nine years , and quickly got ready to go . It went pretty well , considering Ms . D wasn 't speaking to her birth mom , but she overcame her animosity and was civil . Of course , when you act polite towards someone , it becomes harder to hold a grudge , so by the end of the time , Ms . D was speaking to her birth mom again . It actually was a time of reconciliation , since Ms . D 's birth mother spoke civilly to her ex - husband for the first time in years . To learn to be polite to those who have hurt you is a hard lesson , and I hope Ms . D will eventually learn it . We told her that she doesn 't have to like the person , she doesn 't have to trust the person , but she does have to show the courtesy of politely speaking to a person like her birth mom . As for the hearing , it didn 't go so well , but it sure worked out for the kids . The DA wasn 't there because of a scheduling conflict , so they had to postpone the hearing until next month . At first they were going to wait until September , but that is a long time from now and they have been in jail for nearly three years already . So much for the right to a speedy trial ! It makes me wonder how broken our criminal justice system is , that they brought everyone there , the defendants , lawyers , judge , guards , family , etc . , only to tell everyone to come back another day . Isn 't there a better way to handle this ? When they realized the scheduling conflict , couldn 't they notify everyone by email , phone , or letter and not take up court time and space ? No wonder it 's been taking so long ! But actually , this all worked out for the kids . Next time they are going to show the surveillance video from the altercation and I don 't want Ms . D or Mr . I to see that kind of thing . Ms . D had a hard enough time seeing her brother in shackles , and cried when she came home . But I 'm glad the kids got to see their brother , since I have no idea how long it will be before they can see him again . Hubby took the kids ' birth mom to her home and picked up another brother to hang out at our house this afternoon . I let them spend some time eating together while I finished walking the dogs . Right now Mr . I is playing ball with his friends and his brother . Ms . D is in her room . I don 't know why she isn 't with them , but she doesn 't want to talk about it . She probably took offense at something , but it is probably good that she is in a quiet space right now . She can 't handle too much excitement . I am concerned that she will start seizing again because of all the excitement today . I picked up some food this afternoon to give out . Hubby is out now delivering the food to a men 's group home and a daughter of a missionary friend who has been having health problems . It 's been so fun to have the food pass through our hands and bless so many . The man who runs the group home said that the food was arriving just in time . Isn 't that just like something God would do ? Sometimes we don 't see how we 'd ever get through a situation , and at the last minute a door opens , a friend calls to encourage , or provision comes from unexpected places just when you are about to lose hope . I should remember this the next time I get to worrying , since worrying comes so naturally for me ! Tonight we got to take care of my grandson while his mama and daddy could go to their couples ' group . First he ate with us , then Auntie and Uncle took him outside to play . He liked looking at all the big boys play . He also enjoyed playing on the keyboard , taking a bath , and being read to before bed . It was so fun to snuggle with the little guy . All my kids are pretty much full sized now . My grandson was able to fall asleep quickly . Maybe if he does this more , we 'll be able to watch him overnight sometime so his mama and daddy can have a night off . Posted by Today my grandson came over so his mommy could have some girl time with a friend . I loved having him over . He 's at such a cute age . After feeding him lunch , we took him in the stroller to walk dogs and pick up the neighbor boy after his kindergarten class . When we got home , I noticed a certain smell and changed my grandson 's pants . Unfortunately , he had leaked into the diaper cover , and there weren 't any replacements . I had been meaning to make some bigger ones for him , but I wasn 't in the mood to sew before today . So this little emergency kicked me out of my funk , and I dusted my sewing machine off . I really did have to dust the thing , since I hadn 't used it in months . I couldn 't find my diaper cover pattern , so I used a diaper pattern and adjusted it a little . I found out that making a diaper cover is a little like making soup . As long as you get the basic size and proportions and have the right materials , it doesn 't really matter if you don 't measure exactly . In less than an hour , the little guy 's bottom was covered and I had the pleasure of creating . Isn 't the turtle print cute ? Right after Grandson left , I had just enough time to hang up some clothes on the line and get the kids ready for their horse class . Today at the class they learned about bridles , bits , and how to put a saddle on a horse . My kids did wonderfully . It was another girl 's turn to have a difficult time . I am so thankful for Doug and Pat at Victory Ranch who are willing to put up with and teach kids who have come from hard places . It 's not an easy thing to do ! Going to Practice Putting on a Saddle Mr . I 's flag football game was next . He has been complaining of various aches and pains before each game , only to have the pain disappear when he started playing . Yesterday he complained of a sore knee , and really did sit out of the game for awhile , but it didn 't seem to bother him once he got started . He cries wolf so much , I sometimes worry I will ignore a real injury . He 'll limp when he thinks I 'm looking , but the limp suddenly goes away as soon as he sees my attention is on something else . Here he is catching a touchdown pass . He 's number seven in black . Does this look like a kid with a knee injury to you ? Finally , the kids were interested in a science learning opportunity . At first they weren 't , and it was difficult to get them to walk outside the door . But after awhile they noticed something . They noticed the eerie lighting of the sun being almost completely blocked by the moon . Then they were interested . I am such a science and art geek and wish they would catch on , but it takes a lot to grab their attention . The solar eclipse was the one thing that caught their attention . Some neighbors came outside also , and showed us the interesting shadows of the sun shining through some leaves on the side of the house . I 'm glad that after the eclipse watching , supper , and a quick walk to the store , I had nothing else planned for the day . I was starting to get a headache , and so I tried to lie down and read . Of course , as soon as I was horizontal , the kids started filing into my room with this problem or that problem . It still makes them a bit uneasy when I don 't look like I 'm on top of things . Yes , moms get tired and need to rest too . Someday they 'll learn to let me rest . Everyone will be much happier . Really ! The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity . It started Friday around midnight when Hubby picked up a food delivery from a local store to give to the needy in the area . Since there were so many perishables , he had to pick up some ice . While he was doing that , I packed the freezer and refrigerator so things wouldn 't spoil before Hubby could deliver them the next morning . I 'm so glad I had cleaned the refrigerator out earlier in the week . I just wish I had time to clean the freezer out too . I 've been trying lately to eat as much of our own food as we have stored . It doesn 't matter how much money I have saved by buying on sale if food goes to waste . In the morning I did a few loads of laundry and cleaned the house a bit . Later , while I took the kids to the horse class , Hubby delivered food to different people and groups . He also prayed for people while he was out . The kids did better at the horse class than the previous classes . They are slowly getting used to the routine , and do just fine as long as I stay a to take some pictures while I watched from afar . Saturday afternoon we had a family picnic . It was so good to get together with all the kids and their families . Of course it wasn 't all smiles . Mr . I had a hard time because he had it stuck in his head that if he didn 't have his birth brother or a friend there , he would have a miserable time . Of course , he had a better time than he would admit , but the intermittent whining was a bit much for me after I had so little sleep the night before . I 'm so glad we got together as a family , though . It didn 't take much preparation , and it was a beautiful day to get out . The park we chose wasn 't too crowded and was only a couple of miles away from our house . Everyone , except maybe Mr . I at times , had fun . After all that , we went to church . By then , I was exhausted from a lack of sleep , a busy schedule , and a really rough week with the kids . We left as soon as we could , and collapsed in bed when we got home . Saturday was a full day ! I think I have enough for one post and will continue Sunday 's activities on another . I have an amazing family . My kids get along with each other . When times are tough , the older ones pitch in and support me and each other in so many ways . We are a great team ! I have an adorable grandson . Today we got to play with him , take walks , and snuggle . He helped me water the plants and look at the hummingbirds as they sipped the flowers . There 's nothing like a little child to point me to what is important in life . Sometimes I need those kind of reminders , especially after going through some rough patches . I can get all wrapped up in dealing with meltdowns , difficulties in homeschool , FASD , finances , and undone housework and forget to take some time out and enjoy the little things . My grandson slowed me down today . I took time to look at the flowers and the hummingbirds , the pond and the airplanes , hear the wind in the trees and the songs of the birds . But looking back , I got a lot more housework , schoolwork , and yard work done because I did slow down . I even had time to cut Mr . I 's hair and drive kids here and there . I didn 't waste time pacing around the house , putting out emotional fires , and crying or trying not to cry in front of the kids . It 's amazing how much time is wasted when I am anxious and my mind is racing . I should make it a priority to spend some time each day to slow down and let God direct me more , because running around like a headless chicken sure doesn 't get me anywhere ! I have too much to do to not slow down . I can 't believe she is that old . Wasn 't it just a little bit ago that I was able to carry her and her brother at the same time ? Wasn 't it yesterday that her favorite song was the Disney Happy Birthday Song , and she sang along , Happy Birthday , Happy Birthday , Happy , Happy Birthday to you ? I think someone did a switch on me and replaced a girl with a young woman . I 'm going to start out with the last part of her birthday because it is what I most want to remember . Ms . D 's friend joined our family . Ms . D opened presents and really liked the book of dog careers I gave her . Her siblings gave her flowers , ear rings , and a Niners mug . We had cheesecake and since I was so unprepared , we had just one candle for her to blow out . But at least we had one ! Before that , we at out at our neighborhood Chinese food place . They know that Ms . D likes chicken chow fun , and Mr . I likes Mongolian Beef . The rest of the family changes what they order , but the kids are so consistent that I think the waiter writes the order down before the kids even say what they want . The beginning of the day was awful . I don 't know if it was because of Ms . D 's birthday , the fear of the horse class , or a combination of the two , but Mr . I had numerous meltdowns . So did I . I think I cried three or four times today , it was so intense . He said he was too sick to go to the horse class , but he wasn 't . He picked on his sister until she cried too . It was intense . It 's interesting how fear looks like anger or rebelliousness in him . I 'm glad he finally recovered and overcame that fear . Despite the rough start , Ms . D had a good birthday . I played the Disney Happy Birthday song for her and she reminisced about the time when she listened to that song over and over . She was remembering the good times when she first came to our house . Hopefully , we will all just remember the good times we had today and not the difficulties . Posted by Tonight the leaders of our group spoke on Homeschooling With the Holy Spirit . One funny aside is how the husband told of his church background . They believed in the Trinity , the Father , the Son , and the Holy Scriptures . It was good to have someone with that background to teach about being lead by the Holy Spirit to such a spiritually diverse group . We are all Christians , but we come from such differing backgrounds . The main point was to be led by God in whatever we do . They encouraged us that , " God 's Spirit is not a method to accomplish our agenda for homeschool . Homeschooling is a method God uses to accomplish His purposes in the lives of our kids and family . " There were other good points , like asking God how He made our kids and adapting the schooling to that . Another was to encourage our kids to go to God with their pain . Wow ! That sure hit me with all my kids are going through lately . We were also encouraged to spend time alone with God and listen to what He would say to us about our kids . We also had time to practice that and write down what we felt in our hearts . And finally , they suggested we help our kids to learn to hear God by giving them time to be quiet and ask God for a picture . These were just a few of the things I 'd like to put into practice in our home . But what really hit me this evening was a story they shared of their own lives . They , too , adopted their kids . One of their children had been acting out lately . I was able to identify with that ! The mother was worrying about how her child 's behavior could lead to some pretty awful things if it continued into adulthood , and she was worrying about him ending up in prison some day . That really caught my attention because I 've also worried about jail , teen pregnancies , drug use , and whatever else the statistics and my fears led me to believe . So what the woman said next brought me to tears . She asked God about her son , and she felt God speak in her heart , " You have bought into the enemy 's vision for his ( her son 's ) future . You need to have My ( God 's ) vision for his future . " I realized I 've been looking at the wrong person 's vision of the future for my kids ' lives . I have looked at their behaviors , listened to the enemy , and began to lose hope . Yes , there will be a time when my kids will make choices for their lives , but God 's vision is so good . I need to ask Him what it is , and see my kids as God sees them , not down to what the enemy would like to drag them . God loves them even more than I do , and I need to help them to see that . He has a vision for their lives that is so beautiful , and I need to pray that they will head in that direction . May God help me to show my kids His love for them and that I not lose sight of His vision for their lives . Posted by Mother 's Day was a success at our house yesterday . It had to be one of the best ones in years . There were no meltdowns . Mr . I did complain about a sick stomach on the way to his football games . He moaned that he was too sick to play and had on the most pitiful sick face , but I didn 't buy it . He wasn 't sick when he played with his friends , or while we were at home with Hubby , but saved his drama performance for when Microbio Daughter and I were alone in the car with him . To say the least , it was an interesting ride to the game . As soon as he got there , he played well and the sickness miraculously vanished . Mr . I 's team won both games , which helped with his confidence . I hope he will be less anxious next week . On the way home from the games we stopped at the store and I got some potato salad , bread , and chips to round out our dinner . The chips were Mr . I 's idea . He thought I should have some for Mother 's Day . I 'm not especially fond of chips , but he is . I thought it was pretty cute . It reminded me of one of my cousins whose sons gave her a couple of freshly caught fish for Mother 's Day . When I came home , I grilled some thin steaks and made some green beans , and put them on the table with some grapes . The grilled thin cut steaks were great . I had bought the thinner cuts because they were just marked down . I had never bought them this way before . My family likes their meat well done , so the meat cooked more quickly , and was easier to eat . The thinner portions went farther . The meat we ate cost less than $ 9 . 00 , and we had leftovers too . The rest of the night I was fighting a headache , so I just read and rested . Microbio Daughter gave me The Help movie , but she had already given me such a wonderful gift by helping me with the kids this weekend . She has such a quiet , calm , strength about her . She 's the kind of person I would want to be around during a disaster , and this weekend could have been a disaster , had she not been there to calm Mr . I and Ms . D . She brought her sister to the mall , where I do not like to go , and came with me to her brother 's game . She is one of those people who often go unnoticed until you realize that you couldn 't have made it without them . Yes , today is the big day . Mother 's Day . It 's the day when mothers are honored , taken out for lunch , and families get together . There are many beautiful traditions that people do which show their appreciation for the one who brought them to the world and raised them . Mothers Day . It 's also the day when childless women stay home from church so they don 't have to stay seated as other women , even teen moms , are being honored for popping out a kid . It 's the day when people who lost their moms mourn . It 's the day when sons run to the store to grab some flowers , any flowers , so that they don 't have to hear all the grief for not doing something nice for their mom on Mother 's Day . It 's a day when my kids ' birth mom , and so many other birth moms out there are mourning the loss of their children . It 's also the day when kids who have been adopted from hard places act out . It 's understandable . Most holidays are filled with dysregulation anyway . But Mother 's Day also reminds them they aren 't living with the mom who bore them . They are now living with someone who was a stranger , who looks different than they do , who took the place of their birth mom . Even if they love their adoptive mom , there is still a lot of loss mixed in . And it 's hard , really hard to sort through these feelings . If there is a lot of change to the routine , a focus on someone else , and a celebration , those hard feelings are even more difficult to process . Mother 's Day is traditionally filled with all the ingredients for the kids to act out . And they typically do . I don 't know what my kids have planned for today . I 'd rather have things low key , because most of all , I want no tears , no meltdowns , and no rages on Mother 's Day . I also realize that this is a big thing to hope for , especially after yesterday , when the kids were dysregulated from the birth family phone call until they fell asleep in the evening . If it wasn 't for Microbio daughter stepping in to help with Ms . D , I don 't think I could have made it . I 'm still a bit anxious and worn out . That could be why I 'm facing this day with so much trepidation . But so far things are going well , and the morning is almost over . Ms D , her friend , and Microbio Daughter just came in with some flowers . Aren 't they pretty ? There hasn 't been any meltdowns so far . Maybe I 'm dreading Mother 's Day for no reason . I 'll let you know how it goes . We were able to get a few quarts of honey from last year 's bees . Earlier this year , Hubby gave some to the new bees to strengthen their hives , but we saved a little for ourselves . Earlier this week Hubby extracted the honey with our new extractor , and today he bottled it in little jars so we can give some away . I must admit , I love the taste of our very own honey ! Today we got a call from Birthdad saying that the kids ' eighteen year old brother was moving to Arizona today as we were on our way to the horse class . Ms . D was devastated and cried and talked to Birthdad as we drove the twenty minutes to the farm . The kids were already on edge because I had them wear " ugly " boots so they wouldn 't get their feet dirty around the horses , and Hubby told the kids that they had to go to us to the healing conference tonight . Oh , and they both slept overnight at friends ' houses and were sleep deprived . This wasn 't the best time to hear news of another loss . Of course , the birth family didn 't know what was going on here , and we didn 't know what was going on there , so we couldn 't lessen the blow . Ms . D has been refusing to speak to Birthmom , because she threw the brother out of the house . Ms . D also has felt rejected by Birthmom because Birthmom has been pretty evasive on her part too . It 's really hard for me to know what is going on in that house because of all the secrecy . Ms . D finds out things , but she isn 't able to understand that the birth family has problems , lots of them . I tell her not to take things personally , but of course she still does . Each incident , like finding out that her birth brother was on the plane and she wasn 't able to say goodbye , just adds to her feeling of rejection . She doesn 't like to talk about it , and all I can do is hold her as she cries and muddle as best I can to help her . We had to leave early from the horse class . Ms . D pulled it together enough to start the class , but then both kids refused to read . Because the teacher didn 't know what was going on and was treating it more like a rebellious issue rather than a grieving one , I started to say that they just heard some hard news from the birth family . The kids burst into tears and Mr . I stormed out to the car , so the teacher suggested we leave for the day and come back early next time . So the ride home was hard . The kids were angry at me because they felt they were doing fine until I said something . ThPosted by For those of you who don 't , I 'll try to explain as concisely as I can . When a baby or young child under three is neglected , abused , moved from home to home , or is otherwise unable to form a secure attachment to a caregiver , usually the mother , they cope by either drawing away from relationships or become really clingy . There are different kinds of attachment disorder , anxious attachment , avoidant attachment , or a mixture of swinging from one to the other . There are also degrees of attachment problems . Looking back , our kids have had a lot of problems in this area . Some of the things we saw in our kids were a lack of eye contact , seeing people as objects rather than someone who has feelings and love , ordering others to do what they wanted , crying at places that were " happy places " like parks and stores , friendlier to strangers than to their family , hitting , kicking , and swearing at me but charming around others , and so on . We spent years with a therapist to help them form attachments to me and Hubby . We all worked hard and there has been wonderful progress . Since my son has healed so much in the nine years we 've had him in our home , it kind of hits me unexpectedly when he regresses . I know he 's been stressed about the horse class , Ms . D 's seizures , the birth family , and Ms . D 's birthday next week , so I really should have been more aware of what is going on . Lately he 's been trying to order me around more , mostly in the area of getting material things . A new bike , new shoes , new hat , new ipod , new camera , fast food , Jamba juice , cowboy boots , new shorts , new shirts . . . and these are all in the past two weeks . He 's wanting to go to a store for something every . . . single . . . day . He doesn 't get all he wants , and what he does get doesn 't satisfy . He wants more the next day . Or the next hour . Today he told me I should buy Ms . D the latest ipod for her birthday so he could get her old one . I told him no , I wasn 't going to spend $ 250 dollars on a birthday present . I don 't really know how much the latest ipod costs , but I think it 's around there . He also said he needed to go to the store , now , to get new shorts because he doesn 't have enough . I can count at least five pairs he has off the top of my head . We just bought him a new pair last week . He doesn 't need new shorts . He just wants something new to fill a void in his heart . A void he thinks can be filled by materialism , but can only be filled with God 's love and the love of his family . When I told him no , I won 't buy anything for him today because I don 't want him to become materialistic , he became angry . He still won 't let me touch him without a fuss , but he did look in my eyes as he went out to play with his friends . I think he knows that he isn 't going anywhere without making eye contact . I 'm going to have to figure out how else to tame this materialism monster . I have a lot of attachment tricks up my sleeve ! Mr . I is trying to put material stuff between himself and me , but I 'm going to figure out how to tame that materialism monster ! Well , Mr . I finally , finally , started to have fun at the horse class , but nobody let him know that . The anticipation and lead up wasn 't pretty . Of course the anxiety was exacerbated by a bit of constipation . I don 't think he drinks as much as he needs in this hot weather . He sometimes gets his signals crossed in the sensory areas and doesn 't realize he is hungry or thirsty and I have to remind him to eat or drink . I remember when I worked in a nursing home , the CNA class teachers told us that dementia can be increased with constipation , in addition to too much medication and other causes . I didn 't quite get it then , but I sure do now . Mr . I doesn 't have dementia , but he is on edge emotionally . So when he 's thirsty , tired , or needs to go to the bathroom he can regress . And he sure regressed today ! Ms . D went to the local middle school open house with a friend and decided that she is much better off homeschooling . She told me she would have been getting into a lot of fights . I don 't know about the fighting thing , but I do know that she wouldn 't be able to handle all the stress . After all , we keep things pretty calm and slow paced here for her and it still gets too stressful sometimes . But it 's good for her to see it for herself . I haven 't sewn , knitted , or crocheted for a few months , other than a quick mending here and there that I have to do or we 'll have a bigger mess later . Oh , I have plenty of materials and waiting projects , but I just haven 't been able to bring the things out and start creating . It 's usually been my therapy to do handcrafts , but for some reason I 've hit a wall . It 's almost as if I 'm afraid to start , and I don 't know why . There are books to read , yard work to catch up , a blog to write , even housework to do ! If you know me , housework is typically my downfall . The house is slowly shaping up , but I 'm avoiding what really brings me joy , creating beautiful things that last longer than a clean kitchen ! Another thing that I had been avoiding was sending Ms . D 's psychological and cognitive report to the regional center . I finally sent it out yesterday after nearly three months of having it sit on my nightstand . I didn 't even reread it until today . Yes , that thing was sitting next to me for months and I couldn 't bring myself to look at the thing ! So I overcame my avoidance and procrastination , and did what I should have done a long time ago . I 'm pretty teary eyed about it too . But somehow I need to get past all this grieving and learn to accept it , so I can better parent Ms . D . It takes time , but it 's also taking a lot of courage to do what is best for her . Friday evening 's excitement was a local school carnival . Ms . D was supposed to meet up with a neighbor and help take care of her boys . I had to go there after awhile and find Ms . D and help her connect . I could tell by her face that she was overwhelmed by the crowds and loud music blaring over speakers . It probably wasn 't a good idea for me to leave her there in that state , because she ended up finding an old school friend and walking in another direction after the carnival . She didn 't call until after Hubby and I walked and drove through the neighborhood trying to locate her . When we did , Hubby had a good talk about safety and giving us a call to let us know where she is . After all , a teenage girl was kidnapped not far from us a couple of months ago and hasn 't been found yet . It 's kind of nice that the friend 's parents were in complete agreement . A couple of years ago , our distress would have been chalked up to us being overprotective homeschool parents . Now , we don 't have to explain that Ms . D has FASD and is MR . There are many parents near us who are even more protective than we are . Saturday morning was horse class . Ms . D loved it from the beginning , but Mr . I was sullen until he got to pet and feed the horses carrots . Microbio daughter came with us , which is good in case I need someone else to take them to one of their classes . If Hubby doesn 't have too much homework , I might ask him to come with me . I 'm getting pretty tired of Mr . I 's stubbornness at trying a new activity . I hope and pray he will act better next time . We then got the kids food because we had a few errands to do before coming home . Now this can be tricky because Ms . D is so picky ! We went to one of the few places she would eat but Mr . I refused to order anything . He was hungry and thirsty , and unfortunately was past the place of being able to think straight . I ordered for him and then ordered him to eat . He did , and got his brain back . Later we picked up bread that Hubby delivered to a few churches and people in the neighborhood . Then it was off to church . Both kids were so exhausted , they fell asleep for most of the time . Today Hubby picked up and delivered more bread while I took a walk with a friend . Then we worked on the back yard . It needed so much work , and we needed to get it to a half way decent state before we could get approved to puppy sit . I 've been working on it , but I needed help . Thanks , Hubby and Microbio Daughter ! This afternoon was Mr . I 's foot ball games . They won both of them this week so Mr . I was very happy . I spent the time alternating between watching and reading a book . This evening , we went to visit our grandson and his family . My daughter - in - law is Filipino , and so after playing with Grandson , we went out for some yummy Filipino food . We topped it off with some halo halo , which is a drink with ice cream , shaved ice , sweet beans , fruit , and other chewy things . It was so good . This picture is after we took the taro ice cream off the top , so it 's not quite as pretty , but I love the intent look of Grandson . He sure loves halo halo ! This evening I helped a neighbor lay out a bit of sod . It really is a two person job . I did it myself once when I had to get the front yard finished by a certain time after building our house . Hubby had just had minor surgery , so I ended up doing most of it myself , with a little help from my kids . It is a dirty , hard job , so I just had to help my neighbor . While I was doing that , Hubby was moving one of the hives to a woman 's house in exchange for a share of the honey . We don 't want more than two hives here , but we have over a dozen people who want hives at their homes . I thought it would be difficult to find homes for bee hives , but that hasn 't been a problem . Hubby also delivered some more bread to a mens ' shelter tonight . They were very pleased with the food . We now have a number of churches , neighbors , and shelters who will accept food . It didn 't take long for us to find a home for hundreds of loaves of donated bread this weekend . We thought that would be difficult , but it hasn 't been a problem either ! I 'm starting to see a pattern here ! The things that I think will be difficult are really working out . I need to trust that God will take care of my kids . It seems like such a difficult thing , to raise them with all the problems they 've had to face . But God has a way of helping us to navigate through seemingly impossible situations . It 's not always the way I 'd imagine or hope , sometimes it 's pretty rocky , but it 's always much better in the end . The other night I went to my monthly Help One Child meeting . I can 't stress enough how important it is for parents of adopted kids to have a group of people that can empathize with you , share the joys and frustrations , and be a source of support . We usually go around the circle and share what has gone on the past month . Some have had it relatively easy , and we get hope that there are good times coming . Some have had bad months , and we know we are not alone . It 's one of those places where we can give and receive advice , knowing that each child is different , each situation is different , but it 's worth a try . It 's a place where people understand that our kids ' behaviors aren 't a sign that we are really bad parents , but we are parents trying our best to help our kids who are far from typical . We also watched a training on a video this time . It was good to hear people comment afterwards about how the training skipped what we most needed to hear , and just gave a disclaimer about following state laws in handling a child who is out of control . We agreed that we were pretty good at guiding a child who is slowly escalating , but what do you do with a child who jumps to a rage as soon as you tell him he needs to wait a minute for a drink of water ? Yes , I 've had kids rage in the car , three minutes from home , because I wouldn 't stop the car immediately , on the highway , and give them a drink . In their minds , they were going to die if they didn 't get the water now ! This is typical behavior for an infant , but not for an eight or nine year old . The other parents in my Help One Child meeting understand , really understand . They also understand how we can fiercely love our kids , no matter how they behave . And no matter how hard things are , we 'd bring our kids into our homes and hearts again , if we could do it all over . Today was the kids ' first horse class at Victory Ranch . Neither one wanted to go , but Ms . D had a great time after she warmed up . I had to bring a kindergartener neighbor boy with us , and he acted better than Mr . I . Hopefully he 'll do better next time . He sure needs it ! Sometimes a little stretching is good for him ! Hubby got a new honey extractor delivered while he was at his class this evening . It didn 't take long for him to get it out and look at it . It moves very smoothly . We 'll see how it works when we put the frames in . I can 't wait to taste honey from our bees . I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective . |
I just thought out the time I got lice when I was a kid . I was around 9 or 10 and my brother and sister had just came for the summer . They went back home to my Dad when the summer was over and my life continued as usual . My best friend lived in the same townhouses so we ran back and forth between our two homes to play all of the time . One time , I was wearing a trash bag as a raincoat to get back home because it was raining . I noticed a little bug hanging in my hair on my trek back . Once I got in the house , I told my Mom about it and she proceeded to yank my hair around so she could look at my scalp . When she also saw the bugs , she started yelling that my damn cat had given me fleas . Her assumption was based on the fact that when I went to bed at night , my cat slept at the top of my head on my pillow and my dog slept at my feet . She had me get in the tub nad washed my hair with dog shampoo for fleas . I cried and said I was cursed with this hair and how I must have been a dog in my past life . After she finished and we washed my hair out , she still saw the bugs . She ended up calling my Dad who informed her my siblings had lice and I must have gotten it too . She was pissed . I remember her calling her hair stylist to come and get my hair because it was just too much to do the lice treatment with . Think Curly Sue x 10 . I remember her telling me how greatful I should be that he would be willing to do this for her because lice for their profession was like the plague . The funny thing is I don 't actually remember the treatment itself although I am sure it was terrible considering how rough my Mom could be . One of the main things I DO remember is my best friend 's Mom allowed her to still play with me so I wouldnt be so lonely . Yet when she came down with it , my Mom banned her from my life until she was completely lice free . Oh I almost forget ! ! Yesterday when we were at Sushi Choo Choo , you sit at a bar and your party is sitting in a line next to each other . Bryan was first , then me , then my Dad , next was Taylor , and so on and so forth . The only problem being further down the line is there might be something you wanted but it is all chosen before it gets to you . It doesn 't take them long to replace the item so you can grab it hopefully next time around but yesterday , Taylor asked my Dad to grab him one of the rolls . My Dad mention he liked that one too but there were not anymore . Taylor responds , " sucks to be you " and my Dad just busted out laughing . He patted his back and said , " Thanks for always thinking of me buddy . " : ) How was your weekend ? Mine was good ! Sunday we met up with my Dad and stepmom for Taylor 's belated birthday lunch . They were on a cruise last weekend so they had told Taylor he could pick wherever he wanted to eat and they 'd meet us there . He of course chose Sushi Choo Choo . It is by far his most favorite place to eat . The place is actually really cool but only if you like sushi . Surpisingly Taylor does even though he is by far the most pickiest eater ever . You sit at a bar and plates of sushi and other goodies go by on a little conveyor belt . I love it ! It was my parents first time going so they really got a kick out of it . My Dad even described one of the rolls as pretty which I thought was too cute . We enjoyed the yummy food and the great company . I wish they lived closer and although an hour doesnt seem like much , when we get together we usually like to have drinks and have so much fun - we just spend the night but with all of our animals , it can be tough some times . Afterwards we took Claire to get her hair cut . She was nervous and so was I . She is lice free and we have ran that tiny comb through her hair but some of those nits are hard to get out . Their glue is like crazy glue . Anyway , they cut it and didn 't say anything until the very end . The stylist said as long as we had treated her , it was fine . The same thing the nurse from school has said too . I remember when I was in school , they acted like you had to be quarantined . Times sure have changed . Last night Taylor was up at the kitchen table working on homework . I look over and see him scratching his hair . A lot . I check it out and sure enough , he has it . Now I will be honest and say I did not check his head when she came down with it last week because all of the times she has had it before , not once did Taylor ever get it . First time for everything I guess . I am definantly over it . Happy Monday ! I overheard a conversation the other day that made me think of a childhood memory . I know I told you guys my Mom took me to live in GA with her when I was around 8 . I spent most of my time alone because my Mother was always either at work or going out . During the summer , my brother and sister ( both younger ) would come and visit . We would be home all day by ourselves and constantly thinking up crazy shit to do because we were bored . One day we took the mattress off of one of the twin beds and rode it down the stairs . That was tons of fun until my brother 's foot went through the wall , leaving a nice hole Mom was sure to see . I had a huge imagination so I was always writing stories , playing Barbies , reading , or creating games for us . At the time this happened , we were living in a 2 story house . The way it was built , you could crawl out either bedroom window upstairs right onto the roof . I got this great idea to jump off of the roof with an opened umbrella and float down to the ground like Mary Poppins . I crawled out there , stood at the edge , opened the umbrella , and jumped . And fell so damn fast , I dont think I even knew what was happening . I landed on my feet , crumpled to the ground , and screamed bloody murder . I thought I had broken both of my legs because I couldnt seem to stand up . I don 't know if this is better or worse but my Mom happened to be home that day so my siblings went in and got her . She picked me up and brought me inside , asking me why in the hell I jumped off of the roof . Luckily I was able to walk shortly after the incident . I learned my lesson that day - Mary Poppins was a damn liar . Another day my sister and I got the great idea to ride our skateboards down the giant hill in front of our house . We lived in Atlanta GA and this was no baby hill , it was like a damn mountain to get to the top . We got to the top and I chickened out . My sister did not . She started off sitting with legs jutted out in front of her . I was at the bottom watching her . She began to catch up speed , she was really flying and she started to wobble so she put her feet out to stop her . But that didnt happen . It barely slowed her down . She ended up crashing into the curb by our house and the street burned a hole through her sock and had began to tear her skin off of the top of her foot . She still has the scar to this day . Not our greatest idea for sure . I can also tell you the time that my brother was jumping on the couch in the livingroom and ended up breaking one of the legs off . Scared to get in trouble , he threw the leg in the trash . When my Mom came home from work and proceeded to sit on the couch , the whole thing tilted with a loud BONK to the left . She was pissed . Wasn 't a good night for him . We had chores we were all supposed to do . My brother was supposed to vacuum the livingroom and our bedrooms . Being lazy , instead of picking up anything that was on the floor , he attempted to just suck it up . This time it was my sister 's underwear . He sucked them up and broke the vacuum . My Mom beat him with the vacuum hose when she got home . Fun times . Posted by I have to share because I remembered earlier today about this bit of fun I had right before Christmas . We had actually just pulled into the Walmart parking lot to do some Christmas shopping . Bryan parked next to the cart corral and I grabbed my purse as I stepped out of the truck . Walking to the back of the street , I sling my purse onto my shoulder and ladies as you know , when we do this we sometimes do a little toss of the head . The last thing I was doing was looking down . I was walking as I was slinging only to stumble on something and then feel a terrible pain in my foot . I grab the side of the truck to keep from falling and lift my foot . There is a piece of metal sticking out of the bottom of my shoe . In order for me to remove the shoe , I had to pull the piece out of my foot . There was a perfect circular puncture that immediatly started to bleed . I am not going to lie , I was crying as well because damn did it hurt . I hobbled to the back of the truck so I could sit on the tailgate . The kids were staring and a couple across the way noticed what was going on and came over with a first aid kit . Bryan had also gotten ours out of the truck so between them they got me doctored up . The lady asked me if I was up to date on my tetanus shot and I couldn 't even begin to think when I last had one . We thanked them for their assistance and Bryan helped me back in the truck . There was an ER clinic right by our house that Bryan had been told by a coworker took our insurance and we only had to pay a copay . He took me on over there and I filled out the neccessary paperwork and waited to be seen . They called me back shortly and I explained to the nurse what had happened and that I came in because I wanted to get a tetanus shot . She agreed but said the doctor would want to see it . Her big question was did I think there was a piece still in there . I explained to her that it came out smoothly and that there wasn 't anything still in my foot . She gave me my shot in my arm and the shot itself was not bad but my arm felt like someone beat it with a bat for days afterwards . She told me to wait for the doctor which I did and it took forever . When he finally came in , he said he was going to have the nurse clean the wound and he also was worried about pieces still being in my foot . I explained to him what I had told the nurse , the piece came out of my foot perfectly . I had only came to get the tetanus shot which I got . He leaves the room , she comes back shortly and prepares to clean it . She also tells me the doctor has ordered an xray for my foot . I go along with it not knowing I could have denied it . 2 hours later , xray is clean , foot is clean , and they are sending me on my way with antiobiotics . We go to pay copay and the damn thing is 100 . 00 . Seriously ouch with Christmas in like 2 days . A few weeks later we get more bills for the visit as well as a bill for the xray . All in all , that visit cost us about 400 . 00 . Isn 't that some shit ? The kids got 1 hour on the track for just their party . Claire was also a part of the party and Bryan chose to race too . When they first started , neither of my kids have driven go - carts before so between then and Bryan flying around the track like a crazy person , I was a nervous wreck . I ended up having to not watch them . The party started at 1 pm and one of his guests showed up on time . The other I knew was going to be late because her Mom had called and said they should be there around 2 which I said was fine . She didnt get to drive as much as the others but that was probably for the best because she hit the walls a lot . The friends that came I will call Einstein and Veruca Salt . Bryan had filled me in on Einstein on the way to the party because Taylor has had classes with him since elementary school and Bryan had met him a few times at class parties . He said he was known as the smartest kid in school and that he was gluten free . Veruca Bryan was not familiar with and since she showed up with her Mom while the others were racing , I chatted with her briefly . She kept demanding loudly for them to stop the race so she could join . She was rude to her Mom and woudl slap her arm hard if her Mom said something she thought was not funny . They were chummy about it but I did not like the disrespect . And she was loud . They finally got her on the track with a huge sigh of relief from me . At one point I look over and Taylor 's glasses have fallen down his face and are resting on his chin . A sign that we need to get them adjusted for sure but I told the party coordinator that she needed to stop the race so he could get them back in place . She does and I see Taylor hand his glasses to the fella with the flags ! Someone who needs corrective lenses to see is now DRIVING around a course without them ! ! Surpsingly , he did pretty good - only glancing off the sides a few times . I felt like I needed a Valium watching the maddness . Laser tag was a bust according to the kids . Not exactly sure why other than the kids saying it was lame . We ended up not getting home until 5 pm and Taylor told us he wanted to do it again for his next birthday so I guess it was a hit . I am thinking next year maybe having his party the week before so it doesnt fall on Spring Break , maybe that will help with the attendance . Claire has a sensitive scalp that she inherited from her Daddy . They both have to use Head and Shoulders or he gets dandruff and she gets scaly like spots on her head that she itches . About once a month I break out with the Neutrogena T - Gel shampoo that smells awful but does a wonderful job . Last night we were going to eat and she was going to town on her head . It was driving me crazy . I fussed at her about it and told Bryan we needed to stop by Walgreens on the way home . We are walking down the aisle where the shampoos and conditioners are and once again , she is scratching the shit out of her head . I ask her to lean over so I can get a better look at her scalp under the bright lights . I start moving hair around and lo and behold , I see lice . Not just nits , live ass bugs running around in there . Eek ! I immediatly moved away from my child because I have a shit ton of hair and if I get lice , I would probably just have to shave my head and call it a day . I felt just like Cam on Modern Family on a recent episode where he tries to invent games to keep Lily away from him after she comes home with lice . We bought a few lice kits and headed on home with them . Claire 's hair is very long and I already have issues with it because she likes to be lazy and only brush the outside if it making it look all nice and pretty but underneath , it is a rats nest . I suggested us cutting it at home , doing the treatment , and then when she was lice free we could take her to the salon and get it fixed . She didnt want to do that and Bryan said he would take care of it so I was all , have at it . Minutes after he got started , he was cursing all of that hair . He saw what I had been talking about when he was trying to get that tiny ass comb through that mess . Claire was crying from all of the pulling and I felt sorry for her because I know it isnt her fault she got lice but it is her fault that her hair was so tangled . Luckily after about an hour he was able to get it through all of her hair and this morning , all of the bugs had died so now we are just working on getting all of the nits out of her hair . He is sticking to his guns about getting her hair cut though since he saw first hand what I had been trying to tell him . Last night I had such a hard time sleeping because even though I had Bryan check my head , I kept itching . All . Night . Long . Tell me this isn 't the funniest damn picture you have ever seen ? This is Bryan and Claire last summer on a roller coaster when we went and checked out Pleasure Pier in Galveston . We always try to do something right before school starts back up and this was definantly a good one . As I was putting Loretta out with her Momma , she decided to poop right on the front porch . Literally right in front of the door . I let them in so they could eat before having to be kenneled and asked Claire to clean up the poo so I could finish getting ready for work . Last night was very frustrating . I know I posted a few weeks ago when Taylor was home sick . He missed 3 days of school and then returned for that Thursday and Friday . We received a doctor 's note for him to take to school and we reminded him to do so many many times Wednesday night and Thursday before he got on the bus . I had also asked him before Spring Break if he had any makeup work and the answer was no . Yesterday when I got home from work I asked him if he had any homework to which he responded just MATH , he had already done it and just needed Bryan to check it . Fast forward to almost dinner time and I decided I was going to have him come and help me declutter his backpack . Imagine my surprise when I see a packet that has Absent written in red on the top . I ask him about the makeup work and why he hadn 't done it and his response was he forgot . I was so mad . So mad and so dissapointed . Here we go again with one step in the right direction and two back . And then because I am terrible in Math and Science , Bryan had to spend his whole evening helping Taylor . We took his video games away from him for the rest of the school year . We have explained to him that not turning in makeup work or not doing his homework is going to bring his grades down . We have even told him that if he continues to do this , he may not pass the 6th grade . I know he doesn 't want this to happen but we can 't do it all for him . I am going to talk to him again tonight when tempers aren 't flaring and hope we get somewhere . In all of that commotion , I had put our puppy Loretta in the backyard because she had just peed on the floor and we are in the middle of potty training her . I don 't know exactly what happened but somehow Bryan shut the door on her leg when he let her in . I know it was an accident but she cried so hard and then favored her leg the rest of the night . She seemed okay this morning and I know Bryan felt bad and had a lot going on last night with trying to cook dinner and dealing with Taylor . I am just glad last night is over . I 'm back . My vacation was fantastic . Although we didn 't really go anywhere , we stayed busy with going to the rodeo and seeing Robin Thicke , sleeping in late , staying up late , Taylor 's birthday party , and some other things were sprinkled in there too . So Bryan 's grandmother is turning 96 next weekend . She lives in GA where all of Bryan 's family and this year , his mom is putting a basket together with cards from all of the relatives . Bryan told the kids he wanted them to make cards today when they get home from school . Taylor 's birthday is next Saturday . We have his party scheduled at a place called Track 21 where they are known for their indoor gokarts , laser tag , and putt putt golf . Taylor handed out about 8 invitations to his friends and although he has told me some of his friends said they were coming , I haven 't received one RSVP . I am starting to get worried . It is still a week away and maybe folks don 't usually RSVP till the last minute , I hope . It will be terrible if no one shows . I asked him to remind his friends today about RSVP ' ng so lets hope I get some calls . The party itself is costing 300 . 00 dollars so I would really like him to be able to enjoy it . We have never had much luck with Taylor 's parties so we usually try to do something where my parents and aunts & uncles and cousins come bowling with him . I thought this year might be different though because he is in junior high and talks about his friends all of the time . There is one that lives just around the corner that comes over and he goes over there and he invited him as well so I guess that 's all I can do . Claire 's birthday is in the summer so I don 't usually have to worry about throwing her a party . Typically we go out of town for our summer trip to Sea World or Galveston and then combine her birthday with that . Last year she invited friends to go skating with her and then had a slumber party . Easy enough . Claire has UIL for choir today at school so she was required to wear her " uniform " . She was still getting ready when I came into the kitchen but I thought she looked so pretty , I asked to take a picture . Afterwards , I was walking back to the bedroom when I hear her ask her Dad , " You think I can twirk in this ? " Crazy girl . Yes I went missing again . Taylor was still sick yesterday so it was my turn to stay home with him . The good news is he stopped running a fever yesterday afternoon and although he still has a constant cough and is so sore from all of the coughing , we went ahead and sent him to school today . So far , no calls from the nurse so yay . I hope he makes it through the day . Yesterday evening he started acting more like himself . I walked by his rooom and he was up in bed , sitting on his knees , playing the Playstation 3 which is how I normally see him . Just a few minutes later he runs into the living room and tells me while playing , a spider came down right by his head from a web . He said it scared him so he slapped and it and then ran . I asked him if he killed it and he said he didn 't know but he didn 't want to go back in his room . I said " Taylor , you hunt for Gods sake ! You kill deer , hogs , turkeys and crap but you are scared of a spider ? " His response was that it wasn 't the same Mom . I went in there to see if I could see the web but I didn 't see anything . I did spy the spider on the wall , the thing was the size of a dime . I grabbed it with some tissue and flushed it down the toilet . Taylor was very grateful and returned to his bedroom . Mom to the rescue ! ! ! ! ! I wrote not too long ago about how I have started venturing out in things I cook . The funny thing for me is I have to be in the mood . I will cook during the week things I know I know how to make like tacos or Hamburger Helper but occasionally I get a creative spark and want to try something new . Friday I was going through some simple recipes and ran across beef tips in a gravy over toast . It basically sounded like something my Aunt used to make when I was a kid called S . O . S . I pulled up the ingredients and thought , I can do this . The meat was actually Carl Budding 's lunch meat and then the ingredients was basic stuff for a gravy , so said my husband . The first time I made it , I tasted the gravy before putting in the meat and it was nasty . Tasted like paste . I poured everything out and started over . When I tasted it the second time , it still made me want to throw up . Bryan was at work so I called him about it . He said the meat would flavor it so I threw it in , warmed it for a little while and then tried it once more . I almost threw up . It tasted just as gross . When Bryan got home I asked him to please fix it . He added all kinds of seasoning and said it tasted much better but I refused to taste it again . He put it in tupperware and it is in the fridge , staring me down every time I open the door . Ick . Last night I tried to make meatloaf . I did not have a loaf pan so I used a baking sheet like it suggested with a tall rim . The recipe called for a 1 & 1 / 2 pound of meat and 1 whole onion . To me that seems like a lot of onion . I get that onion adds flavor but really , it was like would you like a little meat with your onion ? And to make matters worse , my chopping skills are seriously lacking . Some bits looked nice and others looked like the ladies who grow their nails so long you wonder how they manage to do anything . I do have to say , with the ketchup , mustard , and brown sugar topping on it the smell was heavenly when it was baking . I did my best with shaping it into a " loaf " shape . When I pulled it out , all I could think was how my meatloaf actually resemebled a turd . At least it was a delicious turd though ! Thought I would share the pics I took of Miss Claire when we got her nails done . Aren 't they pretty ? And those are her own nails ! Sorry I wasn 't around yesterday . Taylor was home sick from school . He started running a fever Saturday evening and coughing so Bryan went to Walgreens and bought some Childrens Mucinex for cough , cold , and fever reducer . Sunday he seemed to be on the mend but when that evening came around , the fever was back . He didn 't sleep well at all that night from the nonstop coughing . That morning we checked his temperature and it was still high so I let work know I wouldnt be in that day . I got him a doctor 's appointment at 9 : 30 and after seeing the doctor , I was told he had a virus and they were going to prescribe an inhaler for his cough . The doctor felt that would be best because his lungs easliy become irritated since he was a preemie . This was news to me but made sense becuase when I had bronchitis , that inhaler was a God send . He said we could continue with the Mucinex for the fever . We left , picked up his prescription , and then headed on home . He ate a good breakfast , took his inhaler , and then went and laid down . He continued to cough all day and I reminded him that he did just start the inhaler , how we needed to give it time to work . By than evening , his appetite had dissapeared and he was still coughing and the fever was back . I sent Bryan to Walgreens for an aresnol of stuff . We ended up putting him to bed with Vick 's Vapor Rub on his chest and his feet . We gave him Tylenol for the fever ( 102 . 3 ) , a cough suppresent that was night time formula that we hoped would help him sleep , the inhaler , and a cough drop . I figured either we killed him or things would get better for him . Yesterday while sitting in the car waiting on his prescription I mentioned outloud that the phones were down at the office which sucks . I said , " Thank you Baby Jesus that I don 't have to deal with that today . " Taylor responded , " No , thank Taylor for being sick . " I am having a hard time with Taylor right now . It seems like he takes a step forward with making good choices and then takes two back . I am mostly referring to the homework / school work situation . He really struggles with math so he is supposed to come home , give it his best shot , and then my husband ( because I suck at math ) checks it when he gets home . Sometimes Bryan gets frustrated because he doesnt feel like Taylor is giving him the best effort . It seems sometimes it is more Bryan doing the homework and Taylor watching and listening how to do it . Sometimes there are lots of tears and it is so frustrating . One of the first things I ask when I get home from work is has everyones homework been finished . Claire usually does and will have the occasional math problem she needs Bryan to go over with her . Sadly , both kids got my poor math skills . Taylor yesterday said he had finished his math homework and just needed Dad to check it . He went on to play his video games and I continued with my evening chores and getting dinner prepared . At 8 : 30 last night , 30 minutes before his bedtime he shows up at the kitchen table explaining he has science homework . I was so mad because he had all evening but chose to play instead of being responsible . Technically he should have done it after he finished with math but was too interested in those video games . Anyway , I was so mad I told him no . You go and get ready for bed becuase you had all evening to work on this but you chose to put your video games first . Please know we have gone over this over and over and have taken his electronics away becuase of his low grades or choosing not to do homework . I sent him to school this morning with nothing done on his science homework which means he will get a big fat zero . It was so hard for me . Taylor is a Momma 's Boy and I know I tend to baby him . I really wanted to help him finish it this morning but Bryan wants him to learn . He wants him to be responsible and learn from his mistakes . Don 't get me wrong , I want him to as well but it is just so hard for me . He will be 12 in just a few weeks but he holds a special place in my heart with being a preemie , almost losing him , and then of course the battle of c . p . Someone actually found my blog by googling what to do for a chapped ass . Yikes . My post was more like what NOT to do for a chapped ass because man did that hurt . Posted by This morning on the way to work I was listening to The Hot Show on 95 . 7 because I love them . They crack me up . One of the topics this morning was how many people between the ages of 20 - 30 are breaking up with each other via text . That is just crazy to me ! So impersonal . They went on to ask for examples of how you have either broken up with someone or been broken up with . They wanted to hear ones that you felt bad about doing and immediately I thought about my junior year . It was my homecoming dance and I was going with a boy named Chad . He was actually a freshman and on the baseball team . Cute boy . Right before the dance , he broke his arm . I was not happy . We went with me wearing the mum he had bought for me and he wearing the boutonniere I had bought for him . Shortly after arriving , I ran into some friends and one of them was there with a boy I had liked . I decided I wanted to be with him instead so I broke up with poor Chad there at the dance . I remember clearly him standing on the sidelines of the dance , staring at me , tearing up his boutonniere . I ended up dancing with my friend 's date pretty much the whole night . Claire has try outs coming up for All - Region Honor Choir . Basically all of the 7th and 8th grade girls that are in choir will perform individually before a five judge panel . She has practice this Saturday over at Watkins Junior High , they will have a mock audtion at school , and then the real audtion is April 4th at Kahla Middle School . If she gets chosen , she will be in the concert and clinic April 25th and 26th at another middle school one day and then a high school the following day . She is super nervous about singing solo in front of strangers . I hope she does well because Claire is an amazing singer . She sings all of the time . In her room , in the shower , in the car , at the dinner table , you name it the girl is singing . I am not just being a mom here either , she is really good so I will have my fingers crossed for her . And of course , as soon as I know something I will let you guys know as well . Go Claire Bear ! ! = ) The AP finally called me and filled me in on what happened . It seems they were playng a game called wall ball in P . E . and the team Taylor was on won . They went back to the locker room to change where Taylor proceeded to brag to another student about winning and how he sucked . The kid snapped and grabbed Taylor by the collar of his shirt and threw him to the ground . The coaches came to the rescue and took both boys to the AP 's office . Taylor did admit to bragging and badgering so I do hope this teaches him a lesson because we have had this discussion at home . And of course we will talk about it some more tonight at dinner . I have actually started branching out in my cooking . I am MUCH better than I used to be but I still tend to stick with the things I am comfortable making . Some examples would be tacos , Hamburger Helper , spaghetti , eggs & bacon , and some crock pot meals . I was at work the other day trying to decide what I wanted to cook that night . I was in the mood to try something new so I was checking out recipes online for hamburger meat , something I knew I had at home . I was also paying attention to the ingredients the recipes called for because I didnt want to have to go to the grocery store . I ran across one for baked spaghetti and after scanning it , other than the sauce I had everything at the house . I stopped at Walgreens because it was right on the way home and grabbed the sauce and as soon as I walked in the door , I began to prep because it said it took 45 minutes to bake and I didnt want the kids to have to eat much later than normal . Now I must tell you that this was the first recipe that called for so many steps . Usually the dish I make may have a lot of ingredients but they tend to all go in one pot or pan . This had me browning meat , sauteing onions , boiling noodles , and also whipping together some other ingredients in a bowl . A lot of steps and things going on for this beginner cook . I had the meat defrosting in the microwave and went to the pantry to get the noodles out . Now I have to tell you , we always have 2 or 3 bags of pasta . Always . The reason is everytime we go grocery shopping , we grab another bag or two just because . I look at the shelf and there is little left in 1 bag and that is it . Turns out my husband had used the rest the other day when he had made spaghetti for us and another batch for a benefit we were having at work . I toss the pasta that is left and ask Claire to go and see if she can borrow a bag from a neighbor . She comes back with a box that looks a little old but I figure it will work . She is standing there with me and telling me who she got it from while I open the box and pour them in . Immediatly the water turns cloudy and I see little brown things floating on top of the water . I look closer and see that they are shells from roaches . Nasty . Something else just popped into my head that I want to share . If you are familiar with my blog , then you know that my relationship with my mother has not been the best . For years I allowed her to make me miserable by the cruel things she would say and do . Of course , when I was a child , I didnt have a choice but when I became an adult , I still had that fear of her . Becoming a mother myself , I wished often that we could have the relationship that so many others had . We could go to lunch and gossip or she could keep the kids for me but sadly , that never happened and never will . To put it bluntly I am not able to trust her . I refuse to allow my children to be subjected to some of the crap that was done or said to me . And honestly when it came down to it , I was tired of all of the drama . The feeling I would get when I would see her number pop up on the caller id . The fact that it became a chore to make myself call her because I never knew how she was going to be that day . So after 36 years I made the decision a few months ago to stop talking to her . I was the last one out of my siblings and all of the other family members who still talked to her . I still made sure to visit her every other year at Christmas when I would go to GA with Bryan to visit his side of the family . Not anymore though . I am done . I felt guilt at first but now , just relief . I know she is my Mother but if you look at what the description of a mother is supposed to be , it isn 't her . So if you live in Houston , I have to ask , how are you loving this weather ? I do have to say it was a little crazy being in the 80 's on Saturday and then to be below freezing last night and this morning but I love the winter wonderland look . The trees look so magical covered in ice and everywhere I looked it seems like the perfect picture to snap . We did have some branches break off of one of our trees but luckily they did not fall on the house . It all started around 6 or 7 at my house with hubby talking about freezing rain later that night . Of course , all Taylor heard was school is closing . We told him that they probably would not make that call until later tonight or super early in the am . We put him to bed like normal at 9 pm and then he is allowed to watch tv until 10 . Something tells me he stayed up much later though because when Bryan woke him up this morning for school ( not closed ) he started bawling . He cried all morning and then as I drove him to school , he stopped crying but started noddin off . Someone is going to have a long day . I used to have a ton of blogs that I followed religously , as I mentioned the other day . And like I also commented , most are not blogging any more so I thought I would reach out to my few readers I may still have or gained and ask that you let me in on the new hot blogs out there . Or maybe you have recently started one , let me know and I will totally hit you up . Almost forgot ! Our family conversations go everywhere because you just don 't know what either kid might say . Claire was talking about her friend Kevin from the skating rink who is gay . I think it is awesome that kids these days can be open and freely talk about their sexuality . I also impressed that both of my children have gay friends but instead of labeling them as gay , they are just friends to them . Anyway , Claire mentioned her friend Alex ( boy ) is now bisexual . She spoke about it like stating the weather was raining . Bryan and I both looked at each other with wide eyes . We basically were like ookkkaayyy and Taylor responds well I am straight , straight as a pencil ! LMAO ! ! He kills me . Friday night I met up with a coworker and his friend for some kareoke . I LOVE me some kareoke ! Oh , and beer . They just go hand in hand in my opinion . A little liquid courage and you can usuall get just about anyone up there . His friend reminded me of Usher and the more I drank , the more I gushed over the Usher look - a - like . Needless to say when I thought back on it Saturday , I felt like a dumbass but oh well . When I talked to my coworker on Sunday they only had super nice things to say about me . Relief ! ; ) On Saturday we had a girls day . Claire and I went to Casa Ole for lunch which is one of our faves . I love gabbing about her friends , music , school , and whatever over cheese dip . Although she can really rub me wrong some days with her 13 year old attitude , I have to admit most of the time , I like the person she is becoming . After lunch , I needed to get my eyebrows done . I have been getting them waxed since I was 19 and recently tried the threading as well . I love the results of threading but it doesnt last as long as the waxing . I asked Claire if she wanted to get hers done but she passed . She got hers threaded once but said it hurt too much . Luckily , her eyebrows look pretty great without . I decided to let her get her nails done and they turned out amazing ! She got basically a french manicure but it is totally all her nails . I could tell how excited she was when finished because she could not stop looking at them . Afterwards we stopped by this clothing store called Rue 21 . I have been suggesting for that past few years to check it out but she never wanted to . Well , now she is in love . I am just glad that were having such great sales because we got her 3 new tops , a pair of shorts , and 5 pairs of socks for 40 . 00 . Can 't complain about that ! While there I ran into my highschool sweetheart 's sister . Her and I were really close back in the day so it was no surpise we recognized eachother but I always feel a little uncomfortable when I meet up with people from the past . I weighed 123 lbs back in the day and lets just say , I am no where near that weight anymore . Don 't get me wrong . I am happy with my life and with myself but can 't help but feel a little self confident when someone knew me in my skinnier days . I think to myself I bet they are thinking holy cow she got fat but you know what , I move one and forget about it . These people do not know me now and I am not that same person so it is all good . I also watched Paranormal Activity 3 with Taylor and both of us were scared to death with some parts . We both have this funny " habit " of covering our ears when a really scary part is coming . I find it isn 't as bad if I can 't hear it and I guess he picked that up from me . Bryan was giving us a hard time because when he walked in the front door from work , we both were on the couch with ears covered and giant eyes . I am sure we were a sight ! Sunday ended with us going out to eat to Chili 's . We hadnt been in forever so it was really nice . I just recently started eating ribs so I ordered theirs and fell in love . Messy but sooooo worth it . Somehow the conversation came up about women who keep their phones in their bras . No offense to anyone who does it but it just grosses me out . Bryan said he had heard that cancer has recently been linked to that . : ( Claire mentioned she did that with her money when she was at the skating rink so Taylor and I were giggling about it . He tells her to show him her butter . I said , butter ? He goes " Yeah you know , it is slang for money . Oh wait , I mean bread . " I could not stop laughing . |
I couldn 't believe she was finally here ! My little girl was finally here ! I started to panic and asked the nurses to wash my hands . I was paranoid that I had been taking care of Ty and hadn 't washed my hands . I was worried that I had " Hand Foot and Mouth " germs on me . She looked so blue to me . I know most babies come out a little blue , but I was immediately worried . They placed her on my chest , and started vigorously rubbing her up and down . A nurse was washing down my arms , and so I didn 't really hold her , she was just laying on my chest . Clarke cut the chord . I kept asking why she was so blue , and they reassured me that she just needed to pink up a bit , and that she was fine . I knew though . Something wasn 't right . I told them something was wrong . She wasn 't getting any more pink , if anything her coloring was getting worse . Clarke kept telling me how proud he was of me that I did it , I went natural . It felt funny to me because I knew that it wasn 't exactly by choice that I went natural , but it was sweet anyway . They finally took her from me , and went across the room to see if everything was ok . They hooked her up to the monitors , and things got serious really quick . Her oxygen levels were at 40 % . A normal baby should be anywhere from 90 - 100 % . They very calmly explained that they needed to take her to the nursery to run some tests , get an x - ray , and get her on oxygen . I was worried about the x - ray of all things . I didn 't want her to be exposed to radiation at such a small age . Clarke and my mom went with the baby , and I was left all alone . Luckily , my labor really did go smoothly , and I didn 't have any rips , or tears down under . Small miracle right there . There was a really sweet nurse there with me who didn 't leave my side , and helped clean me up . I think I was in shock . Everything had happened so fast . It didn 't feel real . It was the strangest feeling knowing that I had just had a baby , and now everyone was gone . I asked the nurse to get me my phone . It felt really weird just hanging out waiting for news . Clarke finally called and told me that they had done an x - ray and were going to life flight her up to Primary Children 's hospital , because of something with her heart . I started to panic . The nurse told me that they wouldn 't take her without letting me say goodbye , but that I needed to stay in bed . I wasn 't having any of that . I knew I needed to get to the nursery . I told the nurse that she could wheel me there , or I would walk myself . By no small miracle , I felt great . I honestly did not feel like I had just had a baby . As crazy as it sounds , I feel so grateful that my labor progressed as fast as it did , and that I barely made it in time to the hospital to have her . If I had gotten an epidural , I wouldn 't have been able to move my lower body . There is no way they would have let me go into the nursery . I would have had to wait alone , while everything happened . When I got to the nursery , which didn 't look like a nursery to me , I don 't remember there being any other babies in there . It might have been a room for situations like ours , but I 'm not really sure . There was a lot of commotion . The life flight crew was already there . My mom called my dad who was working at the fire station and told him what was going on . She also called my brother Mason and told him to come . They were trying to get an IV on her , but kept missing . It made me angry , and I remember thinking I could do a better job getting an IV than they were doing . There were so many people surrounding her , that I could barely see what was going on . They finally got an IV on her , and were working on trying to get her stabilized enough to transport . At this point , she wasn 't doing very well at all , and things weren 't looking good . Even on oxygen , they still weren 't able to bring her oxygen levels up . She was hooked up to all sorts of monitors . They explained that they needed to intubate her . My dad was there , and asked if he and Clarke could give her a blessing before they intubated her . The life flight nurse wasn 't too happy about it , but my dad was a little pushy about it , which I 'm so grateful for . Both he and Clarke reached in , through all the chords , tubes , and nurses and gave her a priesthood blessing . There was way too much chaos and noise in the room for me to hear it , and afterwards I asked my dad what was said . He didn 't give great detail , it was a short blessing , but he did tell me that he blessed her that she would live . I held onto that , kept repeating it in my head , and felt a small amount of peace . I remember a couple people being really concerned with me , and asking me if I needed anything . I really felt great , I was way too concerned about my baby to worry about anything . The only thing I could think of that I needed was food . I was starving ! We knew we had time before they were going to leave with the baby , so my mom ran to the car to grab some food . While she was gone , something happened . The intubation tube slipped , causing her to go into cardiac arrest . Everyone was in a panic . The monitors starting going off like crazy , and I watched in horror as they started doing CPR on her . The whole thing was very surreal . I 've worked in the ER and had seen this scene so many times , only from the other side . I 've done CPR , I 've been in traumas and been one of the people working as quickly as I can to safe a life . I 've seen some happy endings , but in most situations not so happy endings . I knew what they were shouting , I knew what the colors of their scrubs meant . In some ways it was good that I understood what was happening , but I almost wish I didn 't know what was happening . I knew she was going to die . I knew it was bad . I could sense the panic in the doctors voices . I started bawling . I felt so alone . Clarke was to the side of the commotion , standing , watching . He looked scared , but calm . My dad was close by the doctors so he could see everything , silently crying . I was in a wheelchair , close by , but not in the way . No one was with me , and I desperately needed someone . Never in my life have I prayed so hard for anything . I begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father not to take her away from me . I was angry . I thought , how can she have had a blessing less than 5 min ago , saying she would live , and now she was going to die ? ? She didn 't even have a name . I hadn 't even held her . Her brother would never meet her . I thought about what they do when a baby dies , I knew that the bereavement team would come , clean her up , wrap her in a blanket , take pictures of her , and take footprints , and handprints etc . I 'd seen it all They did CPR on her for 6 minutes . To some that might seem like a short amount of time , but those 6 minutes were the longest 6 minutes of my life . They finally got a pulse again , and her heart started beating on it 's own . I prayed silently , thanking my Heavenly Father for bringing her back to me . I again felt a sense of peace that things were going to be ok . My chest was still heavy though , and I feared that when life flight took her , that I might never see her again . My brother Mason arrived shortly after they revived her , and it may not seem important to the story that he was there , but having him there meant the world to me . My dad and Clarke were close by the baby , asking questions , and watching closely as they continued to try to stabilize her enough for flight . There were still a ton of people crowded around her , and all I wanted to do was hold my baby . Mason came in , and was emotional , but such a good support . He sat with me , and held my hand . I honestly just really needed someone to talk to me , to hold me , and to make me feel not so alone . Clarke asked the life flight pilot if he would allow him to fly with the baby . Normally this isn 't an option , and parents have to drive separately to the hospital . The pilot agreed to let him fly with them , which made me feel so much better about having her go . They allowed me to come next to her little bed , hold her hand , kiss her , and tell her goodbye . She was hooked up to so many cords and wires , I honestly couldn 't even get a good idea of what she would look like without them . I worried that if something happened to her , I wouldn 't even remember what she looked like . Before I knew it , they had loaded her into a small little box on the gurney , and were wheeling her away . I followed them for as long as they would let me , and then stood at a window on the 3rd floor , and watched as the helicopter took off with my husband and baby girl . 4 : 00am I woke up to pee for the tenth time that night . Only this time , I realized I had woken up with contractions . I went to the bathroom , and kept telling myself this is NOT happening . Ty was still sick , my to - do list wasn 't done , and I just needed more time . After waiting for about 20 min and having a few more contractions , I started crying . I really was so upset . Clarke woke up with a start and asked what was going on . Through tears I told him I thought I was in labor . My sweet husband surprised me by getting really excited , and having the BEST attitude about the whole thing . I remember him saying " August 24th is the perfect day for a birthday ! " He was excited that it was a weekend , and he wouldn 't have to worry about work etc . I kept telling him that this was just false labor , and that today was a terrible day to have a baby . I was such a party pooper . When it was obvious that the contractions were not stopping any time soon . Clarke got up and decided we needed to have a good breakfast to start out the day . He made really yummy french toast , and the whole time was just super giddy and positive . I started to accept that this probably wasn 't false labor , and that I was going to have a baby today . I started to become really stressed about all the things I needed to do . Clarke was more than willing to help out with my ridiculous list of things to help me not stress as much . I don 't remember everything that was on the list , but it was things like : All the laundry , sweep / mop the floors , sanitize EVERYTHING , dishes , trashes , vacuum , I remember there was a load of baby clothes someone had given me a few days earlier that I needed to fold and put away , clean out the fridge , etc . I am a little OCD about things being really clean , and there 's nothing quite like having a perfectly clean house . I wanted to bring home our baby to a nice clean house , and not have to worry about a thing for a while . Plus , there 's nothing worse than leaving your house with dirty laundry , trashes , or dishes in the sink and having that awful sMy list of things still wasn 't done , but by this point I wasn 't very helpful . I remember laying on the bed on a big pile of baby clothes that I was trying to fold , and having painful long contractions , and then just laying there out of energy until the next one would come . Every once in a while I 'd get a burst of energy and try to help , but I was pretty much useless . This whole labor thing was much more painful than I remembered with Ty . I told Clarke that he needed to hurry , and that we needed to go ASAP . He was hilarious , and told me that he was hurrying , but that we couldn 't leave until his list was done . And he was dead serious . My contractions seemed to shift , and all of a sudden I wasn 't ok . They were hard , fast , and extremely painful . I was sure my neighbors would come running to see what all the yelling was about . Ty seemed to be so confused as to what was going on , and kept coming over to give me hugs and tell me to be happy . Such a sweet little guy ! My plan this time around was to try and go natural . I had wanted to go natural with Ty , but I was deathly ill the week before he was born , was extremely dehydrated , had gall stones , and a hiatal hernia all at the same time . So needless to say , I had no where near the energy I needed to go natural , and I was completely ok with that . Epidurals are a beautiful thing . I was really excited that this time around I wouldn 't need to be induced , and I would see how my body handled normal , non - pitocin labor . All along though , I knew that if it got too bad and I felt like I needed an epidural , I would get one . I talked Clarke 's ear off about all the risks for epidurals , and how non - medicated births are easier to recover from etc etc etc . I told him that if at any point in my labor I decided I wanted an epidural , that he should remind me of all the reasons I didn 't want one . . . The contractions were so horrible . There are no words to describe just how painful they were , other than to say it 's the worst pain I have ever experienced , and could ever imagine experiencing . They were coming on fast , and hard . I was done . I couldn 't do it anymore . I finally told clarke that we had to leave NOW , and that I needed an epidural an hour ago . All of a sudden that big list of things to do , was the stupidest thing I 've ever heard . Nothing else mattered , except for getting out that door . It seemed like an eternity before Clarke could load all the bags and Ty in the car . Clarke came back down the stairs to get me , and I could barely walk . I had to crawl up the stairs , and was crying / yelling the whole time . I remember my neighbor was doing yard work , and looked at me like I was a crazy person . Also , it was raining . Why ? Why did there have to be a stupid freak rainstorm in the middle of August on today of all days ? ? We had been needing to get new tires on a car for a while now , but kept putting it off . Our tires were pretty much striped , and had no traction , which = dangerous to drive in the rain . I told Clarke to drive fast please , and he responded very calmly and said that he would go as fast as he could , but that he had to be very careful so that we wouldn 't hydroplane . I guess getting in a car accident while in labor , would be a bad idea . . . I think that we got into the car around 4 : 15ish . My contractions were still about 3 - 5 minutes apart , so I was thinking that I would labor for a few more hours once we got there . I was convinced that I would get an epidural and everything would be fine . Originally the plan was to drive Ty to his parent 's house in Sandy which is about 10 min off of the freeway exit , which would add an extra 20 min of driving , plus the time to unload Ty etc . I told Clarke to call his dad and have him meet us somewhere , to save us time . Because of the rain ( curse you rain ! ) there was stop and go traffic on the freeway . Seriously ? Within a few minutes of being stuck in traffic , I starteA few weeks before , we had jokingly been talking about what we would do if I had the baby on the side of the freeway . Clarke had it all planned out . He would bring his headphones with the speaker on it , and have 911 on speed dial . That way , when they had to talk him through delivering the baby , the headphones would allow him to be hands - free ! So thoughtful ! I guess all that talk paid off , since Clarke was prepared with his headphones on , and 911 on speed dial . I started to feel the need to push as we were getting onto bangerter highway ( about 15 min away from the hospital ) . Clarke kept saying " Hold it in ! We 're almost there ! " I tried so hard not to scream , I knew that Ty was really confused and scared in the backseat . He kept wimpering , but was mostly quiet in the backseat . I couldn 't help it though , I thought I was going to die . I prayed that I would just die . I actually remember praying the whole time that I would make it to the hospital , and not have her in the car . As we rounded the corner to the hospital doors , I remember seeing both my father - in - law Randy , and my mom waiting at the doors . Thank heavens ! I threw open the door , as the car was still coming to a stop , and my mom grabbed my arms . I ran screaming into the hospital like a crazy person , and was seriously running as fast as I could , which was not fast at all . More like a fast walk . A tech from down the hall , saw the commotion , and grabbed us a wheelchair . I sat in it , and bless my mom 's heart , she ran down the halls at an incredible speed . When we came flying down the hall to labor and delivery , they ushered us right into the first room . I imagine they could sense that this baby was coming fast . I stood up , and quickly started ripping off my clothes . There was a lot of commotion . I remember the nurses trying to get me into a gown , and trying to hook a baby monitor to my belly . They kept telling me to hold still , haha not going to happen . Sorry ! They asked if I wanted an epidural , and I remember my mom telling me there was no time for an epidural . Which makes sense now , but at the time , I was in so much pain I wasn 't thinking clearly . The pressure was so intense , a nurse quickly checked to see where I was at , and then started freaking out and yelling commands to everyone around her . I was at a 10 , completely effaced and whatever else they say to indicate that this baby is coming NOW . I remember crying and saying " Who 's going to deliver my baby ? " and all the nurses saying " We are ! " As all this was going on , Clarke had given Ty to his dad , parked the car and ran upstairs to find me . He got lost though , and was trying to get into the " Mom and Baby " unit , but the nurse wouldn 't let him in without a code . He was so frustrated and kept telling the nurse , my wife is in there having her baby , I don 't have a code ! ! Luckily they figured it out and sent him to L & D just in time , because both he and my midwife walked through the door just in time . My mom and a nurse each had one of my legs as I pushed . I remember looking up to see Clarke run in , and my midwife Julie ran in , someone handed her a gown , as my water exploded everywhere . I say exploded because I swear it was like someone threw a water balloon at me , I pushed and out came my baby girl . I don 't know exactly how long it was , but from the time I pulled up in the car , to the time I pushed her out , was around 10 minutes . To think that if we had left 10 min later , or if the traffic had been worse , I seriously could have delivered her in the car . Such a miracle ! Heavenly Father was definitely watching over me and my family . Looking back , it was just as I was blessed by my dad in that blessing a few days earlier . My delivery really was smooth , with no complications . Just a little intense . Finding out I was pregnant with Livi was such an exciting time . I had wanted to be pregnant so badly , I wanted Ty to have a little brother or sister close in age , so that they could be little buddies . I knew I was pregnant before I ever took a test . Clarke and I were on a romantic overnight getaway , and I was SO sick . It came on pretty fast , and I was so bummed that I was about to ruin this getaway we had planned on and worked hard for . The weird thing was that it didn 't feel like flu , it felt EXACTLY what it felt like to be pregnant with Ty . When I was pregnant with Ty I was sick every single day for the whole pregnancy , so it 's hard to forget what that feels like . I knew I was pregnant . I told Clarke I was probably pregnant . When we went to dinner at the Cheesecake factory , I was so sick while we were waiting that I even told the hostess that I was pregnant and needed bread NOW , or I was going to puke . Haha never mess with a hungry pregnant woman . . . After getting some food in me , my symptoms weren 't as bad , and Clarke and I were able to have such a fun memorable night . At one point I begged him to let me go to the grocery store and grab a pregnancy test . He convinced me to wait though . Which looking back was really smart . I 'm glad that we waited , and let the night be about me and him , instead of focusing on a pregnancy . The day we went home , I obviously had to go grocery shopping . Our fridge was bare , and I was antsy to get a pregnancy test . I bought the test , and then went right into the store bathroom and peed on a stick . I was pregnant ! I did a little dance in the bathroom . : ) I wanted to tell Clarke in a creative way , since he still makes fun of me for how I told him with Ty . ( I was sooooo deathly sick with Ty I could barely move . Clarke walked in the door from work , and I was moaning , pulled out the stick and showed him the test . Super Lame I know , but I was just so relieved I wasn 't dying and there was a reason for all the sickness . I was way too sick to think of anything clever / cute . I still regret it , and he still laughs about it . ) I decided to write " Big Brother " on a onesie and have Ty wear it and see how long it took Clarke to see it . It was cute and fun , and took Clarke like 2 seconds to see that I was pregnant . It was such a fun / exciting time for my family . We announced our pregnancy by taking a picture of Clarke and Ty together , and then me a few feet away . We edited the picture to say Clarke / Ty + Lanaya = 4 . We gave my mom a picture frame with the picture in it for her birthday , when she opened it in front of the family , she said " Oh that 's cute ! " but didn 't get that it was an announcement until my sister yelled " You 're pregnant ! " With Clarke 's family , we made little Valentines with the picture in it , and handed them out . Everyone was really excited about it , and really willing to help out with Ty since I was so sick . Pregnancy with Livi was not as bad as it was with Ty . I was still REALLY sick , but I was still able to be a good mom to Ty , and work in the ER with the help of zofran ( miracle drug I swear ! ) . The last few months of my pregnancy I was even able to say that there were days / weeks I didn 't feel sick at all . I had always heard that each pregnancy is completely different , so when Livi wasn 't much of a mover , I didn 't think too much of it . I just remembered Ty moving non - stop , so I thought that was normal . I would talk to Clarke about it often , but he would always reassure me that I was worrying too much , and everything was fine . My doctor calmed my fears , and said that sometimes babies just choose to move less . Still though , in the back of my mind , I worried . I had this nagging fear that something wasn 't quite right . I put it off though , as just pre - baby jitters . I had had multiple ultrasounds through the actual OB office , AND at my work ( perks of working in the ER ) . Every single ultrasound was amazing ! Perfect heartbeat , perfect baby , lots of movement , perfect features . There was nothing to worry about . I was so excited when I found out she was a girl ! ! I had hoped for a little boy . I thought that having them so close together would be so fun for Ty to have a little buddy . I knew that if I had a boy , I 'd be set . I have everything for a boy . I know how to be a mom to a little boy . Having a girl though , would probably break the bank , I mean lets be honest . . . How can you not want to buy everything in the little girl section at the store ? Little girl things are just so stinking cute ! ! Clarke guessed that it would be a girl all along . : ) When I found out she was a girl , I was ecstatic ! I 've always known I wanted a little girl at some point , and I immediately got so giddy just thinking about it . We had 2 gender reveal parties with both of our families . It was Easter time , so we bought blue , and pink eggs and did a little easter egg hunt for everyone . If there were more blue than pink it was a boy , and vice versa . It was hilarious to watch everyone , including adults run around the house in a frenzy looking for eggs , and shouting out colors as they found them . With both families , we hid one pink egg REALLY hard , so that it would come down to the very last egg to know the gender . The suspense and build up was awesome , and I 'm glad we made it such a fun time for everyone . It was finally August ! I was ready to have this baby . I was huge , uncomfortable , and so tired of the summer heat . I got sick 2 weeks before my due date with an annoying cold . I was SO bugged , and although everyone around me kept saying " Any day now ! " I kept thinking , NO WAY . This baby is not coming when I 'm sick . I don 't want to get my newborn sick . How awful would that be ? I decided I was content to go 2 weeks overdue if that 's what it would take for me to be healthy . A week before I was due , Ty got really sick . He had " hand foot and mouth . " Worst childhood illness ever . I wouldn 't wish it on any mom / kid . He had horrible bumps all over his mouth , feet , hands , stomach . The worst was around his mouth . It was so bad , that the bumps themselves got infected . He looked gross , and miserable . Luckily " Hand foot and mouth " isn 't contagious to adults , just kids . I was so stressed that the baby would come , and get the same thing . . . I made a plan . This baby would not be coming . I told her that she better get comfortable because she was going to be late . I was dead serious when I said I wanted to go 2 weeks over . If I did go into labor , we 'd have family take care of him until he was 100 % , and then we would bring him home . We planned to disinfect the entire house when I went into labor , so that when we came home there wouldn 't be a risk of her getting sick . Ty got really bad one night . His fever was so high , he was in a lot of pain , and really lethargic . I hated that I couldn 't do anything for him . I asked my dad to drive over and help Clarke give him a blessing . Before my dad left , I asked him if he would give me a Father 's blessing . I was feeling a lot of stress with the baby coming , and everything else that was going on . It was such a sweet blessing . I was blessed that I would have no problems with labor , and that everything would go smoothly . I can 't remember the exact words , but I do remember that my dad blessed me that I would have the patience , strength , and faith to deal with having another child . The way he worded it , to everyone else might seem like he was just blessing me to be able to handle having 2 kids etc . But to me , I knew that something was wrong , and that I would need to have a great amount of faith and strength to get through what was about to be my life . I tried to tell myself that I was just stressing . I decided to not think about it , and just focus on non - labor vibes and my list of To - Do 's . There were a bunch of little things that in my mind HAD to be done before she came . Some would call it nesting , but I think Clarke just called it crazy . This little man decided that he wanted to see where his mommy worked . So he climbed where his mommy and daddy told him was a " No - No " behind the couch , and fell into the brick fireplace ledge . I saw him just before he fell , and before I could grab him , he tripped and I waited for that earth shattering scream . . . and boy was it earth shattering . . . I scrambled to pick him up and blood was gushing from his head . I totally saw this coming . I knew that brick ledge was going to cause problems , and that 's why we went to great efforts to block it off so Mr Ty wouldn 't crack his head open . He is obviously way too smart for us . : ) Thank goodness for my job in the ER though . All that work has finally paid off , and I can put it to good use ! I calmly assessed the laceration to see if it needed sutures ( Which it did ) , controlled the bleeding with a pressure bandage , and calmed the boy down . I decided at this point it was probably a good idea to change out of my PJ 's before going into work to see all my co - workers . I 've always dreaded the thought of being in an actual emergency and looking like crap , or getting in a car accident and not having clean underwear etc . and having to go into work and have my good friends see me at my worst . . I know it sounds silly , but it 's a real fear of mine ! So I 'll be honest . . . I may have put on deodorant , and brushed my teeth before rushing in . His bleeding was controlled after all ? Don 't get me wrong though , I still looked like I had just climbed out of bed . ( It was early morning ) . Anyways , lucky for me I am blessed to have the best co - workers and Dr friends in the world ! Ty was super excited to see all the new cool things in the ER , and he loved all the attention he got ! I may have brought the whole bag of goldfish crackers , and while waiting for the Dr , I might have let Ty eat almost the whole bag . Seriously though , this kid was shoving his face , possibly overdosing on the Goldfish . I figured it was ok though , I 'm well rehearsed in the protocol for overdose patients . . . and I 'm pretty sure we were in the right place if something went wrong . Nothing like an injured child to make his mommy spoil him rotten . Seriously though , I felt SO bad ! I didn 't want him to be sedated , so we used a topical numbing , and I just held him down while the Dr . Sutured . It was probably pretty traumatizing for him to have his mom hold him down while he was getting sutured . He was hysterical , and kept looking at me like " Why ? " I have held down lots of other peoples kids in the ER and I 'll admit , sometimes it makes me a little emotional because I feel so bad for them . I always thought that if I was the parent , that I would get emotional too , and not want to watch . I surprised myself by staying totally calm , not even a little bit emotional ! I should get a sticker or something . : ) 5 stitches later , I have one good looking boy with stitches just above his left eyebrow . He was a little mad at me afterwards , and cried for another 10 min or so . But now he 's a happy camper , and doesn 't even realize he has stitches on his head . Ty man waiting to get sutured up . This is his " Gangsta " Face I cannot believe my little man is already ONE ! Where has the time gone ? I swear it was just yesterday that I went through the hardest day of my life to get him here , and ended up with the most perfect little baby I 've ever seen . Ty is by far my greatest accomplishment , and my greatest Joy . I cannot imagine my life without him . People talk about " waiting " to have kids until you 've been married longer , or until you are ready . Well , Clarke and I weren 't expecting Ty as soon as he came , but I am SO grateful Heavenly Father had a bigger plan for our family , because Ty has strengthened our marriage , and made our lives so much happier than we ever could have imagined . There is never ever a dull moment in our home , and we wouldn 't change it for anything ! Ty is the sweetest little trouble maker . If there 's something he shouldn 't be getting in to , he 'll find it . Seriously though , this kid has talent ! It amazes me how quick I have to be on my toes with him . I turn my back for one second , and he 's already got the whole roll of toilet paper unrolled , his toys in the toilet , the neighbor doggie 's poo in his hands , my cell phone in the bath tub , the trash in the trash can thrown all over the house , the whole box of q - tips spread through the bathroom and q - tips up his nose , dad 's nice computer cord has been chewed on , school textbooks ripped to shreds , toys down the heating vents . . . . I could go on and on . Like I said earlier , there is never a dull moment with this kid . Ty loves anything to do with Balls . Or anything round . He will kick around a ball all day . He loves goldfish and most crackers , he loves to be outside , he loves walks , he loves going on runs with mommy , he loves animals , loves to give mommy and daddy kisses , he loves to read story books , he loves his blankets and if you give him one , his thumb immediately goes in his mouth . He loves to scream with excitement , he loves the bathtub and anything water . Ty can say dada , wow , and was - tha ( which we thing sounds like " what 's that ? " ) . He started walking at 9 months , and eI love this little guy with all my heart , and feel so blessed to be his mom ! For his birthday , we decided to keep the party pretty small with just family . He gets overwhelmed with a lot of people , and gets really shy , so we wanted him to have fun and not be cranky . We still had quite a few people there . My family , Clarke 's family , Grandparents , and Malena and Ariel ( they might as well be family ! ) . I wanted to do a themed party , and so I went with a " Goldfish / Pirate Theme " Mostly because one of Ty 's favorite things is Goldfish . I had a pretty tight budget , so I made everything myself , and I love the way it turned out ! Ty was still kinda overwhelmed with everyone that was there , but he did love opening his presents and playing with his new toys . He didn 't really like the cake smash , he mostly cried . I don 't think he like having his hands covered in cake . I think the happiest he was all night was when Arielle came over and the 2 kids sat on the floor and ate goldfish straight from the jar . I 'm grateful to everyone that came and supported our little family in our little stepping stone . I can 't wait to see what this next year brings for our family and see how much Ty grows ! : ) I was so proud of my cake ! I found this cute little pirate bathtub toy , and then made the cake to look like an ocean , and a beach ! I thought it turned out pretty cute ! We took advantage of the changing colors early this year , and took a drive up to Brighton Ski Resort . The weather was perfect , and the scenery was absolutely beautiful ! We had just run the dirty dash , and we were so excited to wear our matching shirts . We didn 't have someone to take pictures for us , so we used the handy little " 10 second timer " on my camera , and set it up on the car for some family pics ! It was the perfect Sunday drive , even Ty loved it . Mostly because we let him out often to play in the dirt , eat the leaves , and suck on rocks . We 're such good parents ! : ) A couple weekends ago Clarke went out of town on a campout with the Young Mens , and left me with an extra ticket to the BYU game . What 's a girl to do ? Oh yeah . . . Get another handsome date to go with her ! So I decided to take my little brother Tan man with me . Tanner is such a stud , I seriously don 't know where he came from . He 's just such a good kid . He works with special needs kids , volunteer 's his summers to be a counselor at a camp for kids with muscular dystrophy , he wants to eventually work with special needs kids or troubled youth , he 's nice to everyone , a spiritual giant , he 's always making good choices , puts me in my place , and does not care one bit what other people think of him . Oh yeah , and just recently he took a special needs girl to homecoming ! How cute is he ? So needless to say , I had the cutest date in the whole stadium ! ( Sorry Clarke ) . haha We had a blast just chatting the whole time , and barely paying attention to the game . Now that 's my kind of date ! When I go with Clarke , he 's usually so focused on the game that he doesn 't want to chat with me about mindless things . No fun ! Tanner and I have always had a special relationship . We used to play flashlight barbie , and house , and he was always happy to let me dress him up . He has always been my little buddy , and took great pride and joy in trying to scare off all potential boyfriends , he was actually pretty clever . I would always get even though , usually by some type of wedgie torture . . . I love this kid so much , even if he does call me " Thunder Thighs . . . " The game was a blow out . We killed the other team , I think they might have been wearing blue ? Who knows , I wasn 't paying that much attention . Oh and also . . . Note to self , if you are trying to sneak in food to the BYU games , it might not be the best idea to stick popcorn up your shirt to look preggo , just in case you run into people you know . . . It gets pretty awkward trying to explain that NO , I am not pregnant . . . I 'm just sneaking in food . . . haha I 'm definitely going to miss this kid when he heads off on his mission . . . Less than a year before this boy turns 18 and leaves me ! So proud of him for wanting to go early , but it 's going to be hard to say goodbye for 2 whole years ! Posted by |
Today after yoga class , I went over to my dad 's house to take him out , as per his request . I needed to go grocery shopping , so I decided to go up to Henry 's , in Laguna Niguel , where he likes to go . But he wasn 't feeling well in the car . He thought he might have to go to the bathroom . After we started shopping , even after he went to the bathroom , his stomachache got worse and worse . I thought he might have appendicitis , and I wondered if hospice would keep him out of the hospital , even for this . So I went home with him right away , as fast as I could , and talked to the nurse , who , it turns out , is another yoga fan , though she does a different style . She knows my teachers , but goes to different ones . I told her that VA had called me a few days ago and said he had a Urinary infection , but I figured that hospice would have tracked it and would be treating it . It turns out hospice doesn 't treat that stuff either , so I requested that the nurse practitioner call it in , and we would pay for it . Next time , I will let VA pay for it , since they are willing to do it . He has chronic infections , so there probably will be a next time . So there I was , $ 80 . worth of food getting warm in the car ( I put the fish , meat , and eggs and other perishables in their fridge there , and forgot half of it when I went home ) , standing between two ailing parents , my dad moaning and in pain , my mom a mere bundle of sticks , her legs drawn up to her chest , making inarticulate noises . You could say I am having a difficult weekend , but I don 't think it will be over tomorrow . This afternoon , when Richard and I came to pick up my mom and take her back to the board and care by access bus ( I would ride with her , while R would drive the car back to the board and care ) , the aides had her in the dining room , and they were trying to shovel food in her mouth . She wouldn 't eat it , and said , in Afrikaans , that she couldn 't do it anymore and that it was making her sick . That 's the only thing I understood because I really don 't speak the language . So she 's thinner than ever , starving . I rode with her on the bus , which took a really long way around because they had to deliver someone else home first . Then , as soon as she saw the caregiver , she told him she was hungry . But when the caregiver tried to feed her yogurt , she said it was too sweet . I tried chopped up chicken from the bbq party going out in the yard , where we were enjoying a meal and conversation . But she wouldn 't eat that either . She did drink some tea though , 5 tsps . with milk . That 's a start . I signed the hospice papers , and began thinking about investigating Jewish VA burials . I feel exhausted , but I did clean up a bit around our house today too . Jeremy is my son , and I love him , but I 'll have to confess : I 'm tired of having to walk on eggshells around him ! We have to be so careful not to step on his invisible toes . So we can 't ask about his homework , whether he needs the textbooks he was relying on us to pay for but hasn 't been able to go out and get because of the surgery . We can 't ask about setting up doctor and dental appointments because he wants to be independent , but has no means of doing this himself since he doesn 't know which doctors or dentists are covered under our plan or where they are or how to contact them . We can 't even ask how he 's feeling , since that , apparently , is none of our business either . He 's tired of being cosseted , protected , parented , in short , and cleared out of here , according to him , because he can 't live like us , in a mess . Every once in a while , he did help me clean up . So I have to be grateful for that , and I thoroughly admit to being a slob . But am I so much worse than the smelly adolescent males he lives with ? I doubt it . Every time I talk to him on the phone , I 'm cruisin ' for a bruisin ' . I know from speaking with therapists and psychiatrists about him that I have to aim not to react , but that has led to a pattern that makes him just as mad , where he 'll say something provocative , and I won 't react , and that , of course , makes him crazy . So it seems I can 't win . I 'm sure some of it is my fault , maybe even a lot of it . I just give up . When I went to my dad 's house today to take him to the Farmer 's Market , I expected him to be ready and impatient to go . But he was not . He was ill , weak and drawn , unable to go anywhere because he was tethered to oxygen and waiting for the hospice nurse to come change his catheter , since his bag had sprung a leak . He had not eaten much breakfast ( a first for him ) , and was visibly reduced . Still , he lit up when I suggested that I pick up a few things for him at the Farmer 's Market , as well as picking up coffee ice cream at Target ( that 's his favorite flavor ) . So I got him his John Dory at the fishmonger , fresh cherries , fragrant white peaches , and a pint of Starbucks frappachino chip mocha ice cream at Target . When I went to see mom this morning , she looked so shrunken and shriveled that I became afraid . She was picking at a blanket , and staring into space . When she saw me she said " I want to go home . " I couldn 't get her to eat anything . Clearly , it is too late for the date shake I envisioned . She cannot seem to ingest more than a sip of milk before she becomes nauseated . I talked to the Speech Therapist at the nursing home , and that person begged me to take her home . They have tried everything , and nothing has worked . So after first trying to feed her chocolate pudding ( she wouldn 't eat it ) and some more milk through a straw , I left and told the board and care I was going to bring her back on Sunday and would be putting her on hospice . The hospice nurse was already there working with my father , so it was an opportune time to arrange this . I don 't think my mother will last much longer , particularly if she cannot eat . I should probably be making funeral arrangements , but I don 't know where to start . Yesterday was R . and my 34th anniversary . I had to work , so though he stayed home to be sure Jeremy was taken care of , taking him sushi for lunch , and checking in on him at the apartment , he was mostly on his own . When I returned from work , there was a beautiful bouquet of apricot rosebuds on the table , and R . was getting ready for us to go out to eat at a restaurant in Fountain Valley I have been requesting for a year , since we were last there with Anne Gray and her yoga buddies . In the spare room , what Lou calls the cats ' room , there was a big box - - a book shelf for those books that are still piled up on the floor in the living room , and R . promises to put it together so I can get them up off the floor and neatly into their place . Then we started for the restaurant . It was about 5 : 15 , and I thought taking the freeway might be a risk . But R . claimed it wouldn 't be a problem , so off we went . The freeway was packed with cars all the way , so that it took us about 15 minutes to get 1 / 2 mile . We were both starving by the time we got to the restaurant . I recognized the shopping center because of the Albertsons and the Vietnamese movie theater smack in the middle of it . Xanh Bistro is a lovely , tranquil little place , whose green lettering on the sign suggests the meaning of the name , which apparently means green in Vietnamese , or so I 'm told . It is run and owned by a local chef who also gives cooking lessons ( and you can bet I 'm going to check those out ) . She cooks traditional Vietnamese with a twist , so that although one can definitely recognize the foods , they have something special about them - - an herb , a sauce - - that is all her own . As R . says , when he eats there , it isn 't like anywhere else . The combination of items in the dishes , described meticulously in the menu , can seem a bit off - putting to the diner who is not particularly adventurous . For example , the soup we had ( after first ordering the mustard green soup with chicken dumplings , which was not available ) was a tomato - based hot and sour soup with pineapple - - noPosted by This morning , just as I finished writing my earlier post , the phone rang . It was Jeremy , who sounded somewhat out of it and tired . He was at the Kaiser medical center he said , about to have emergency surgery . That 's when I began to lose it , and he put the surgeon on . The surgeon told me he was going to have to operate immediately on Jeremy because of a congenital problem . I hung up the phone , apparently before they were ready for me to do it , and called work , where I was due in about an hour , saying I wasn 't going to be coming in . We don 't have Kaiser , but I was glad that Jeremy , who has not visited a doctor for years , being resistant to doctors , went to the hospital when he was in pain . We have insurance , so it will just be a matter of sending the insurance the bill , and seeing how much they are willing to cover . The important thing is , he is fine . And intact . Overall , we were lucky . We tried to keep him at our house with us at least overnight , but he wouldn 't stay . He went home with food , new clothes , instructions , and medication , as soon as I was able to get him to promise to call me if he felt ill or needed help . He is overly ambitious , and says he feels fine , but the fact is , he just had surgery ! He 's 19 , thinks he 's immortal , but I 'm hoping he 'll be willing to go back to the doctor now for check ups . Lately , all the decisions in the world need to be made , hard ones , regarding finances , whether my mother should go on hospice , etc . All the things I 'd put off thinking about are suddenly looming in front of me , and the comfortable discomfort I have cultivated for the 5 years since I took on my parents ' care has shattered . I have to decide what I will do about the impossible 9 week prescription to the nursing home the callow young orthopedic surgeon has given , a nursing home where my mother is miserable and pining away , refusing to eat . Every time I see her , she tells me she is hungry , she is uncomfortable , she has to go to the bathroom . She won 't talk to any of the nurses there . They probably wouldn 't listen , wouldn 't see she was afraid and confused , wouldn 't care . She will eat a little , a very little from me , and take her pills , when I plead that she must . But the stuff they give her to eat is disgusting . It smells like wallpaper paste , and looks like it too . I want to give her a date shake , oozing with vanilla essence and flecks of walnut and date . She will love it , and it is good for her , full of fiber and vitamins . But the nursing home won 't like that I am giving it to her . They want to put a tube in her stomach . It was a confusing and weird day . First , the Internet would not work this morning . I had to stay home from yoga and troubleshoot it on the phone with Cox . Then I went to class and added the people who were there last time and a new person . I gave people their scores on the diagnostic back , and discussed in detail the prompt and sample essays . Some people who got low scores dropped the class , as usual , and some , who should have , didn 't . I was feeling bent out of shape and anxious because of my mom . I was worried about the fact that my Power of Attorney doesn 't official cover health care , but I need not have worried . A talk with my friend in yoga class , who is a lawyer , cleared everything up , and I will download conservateurship ( sp ? ) papers and take them in . That will solve the problem . Another yoga friend , who is a speech therapist who has worked with the elderly , told me I could give my mom a date shake , which would be tasty and very good for her , particularly if I use almond milk rather than regular milk . So on Friday , or maybe even tomorrow , I will go to my dad 's house and make one and take it over for her . That brings me to the weird part . I was so bent out of shape and worried that I forgot it was Tuesday , and I was supposed to go to Torah class today ! I went to Laguna after class , totally forgetting that , and didn 't realize the mistake till I got there . By the time I got home , having not eaten all day , it was too late . So I 'm sorry Michelle , if you 're tuned in ! Last night , coming home from choir , I glanced into the sky and saw a streak of light shoot by . . . . I 'm not sure what that means , but it isn 't something I see every day . I 'll take it as a good omen , because I might as well . Saturday I began watching the first couple short films from Kieslowski 's Decalogue series . These are short films he made for Polish T . V . based loosely on the ten commandments . There is not a one to one correlation between them and the commandments . Instead , these are stories of people involved in particular scenarios that bring up various moral dilemmas . The first of the films involved a father and his son . Both were scientifically minded , the son being a genius of about 7 or less . The father gave absolute authority , apparently , to his computer , which sat glowing like an idol in his apartment . Because of his trust in the computer and in numbers , his son died . The second film , which I will need to watch again , is about a woman who is pregnant fairly late in life . Her husband is dying ; he is not the father of the child . In fact , he is sterile , so the wife presses the man 's doctor to tell her whether the man will in fact recover . If so , she will have an abortion . If not , she will keep the child and go off with the father of the child to make a life . What happens is unexpected and complex - - so much so , that I must watch it again . There is another film on the disc , but I haven 't watched it yet . I couldn 't get the disc to work on my DVD because the machine I have is primitive and doesn 't have a button that would allow me to designate which of the several things on the disk I want to watch . We have no remote for the player because it is attached to the cable on the tv . So I had to watch it on the computer . Every morning between about 2 : 30 AM and 4 : 00 AM , I cannot sleep . It is not just the cat , pushing his wet nose into my ear , underarm , or any other body part that presents itself and begging for food . Once I am up , I cannot get back to sleep for the many many conundrums that present themselves . It is only by forcing myself to remain still , with my eyes closed , that I finally am able to sleep and to dream , invariably , troubling and repetitive dreams , like the ones I had this morning . In one of these , I saw that I had left the remnants of a meal in the back window of the car , and about 3 colonies of different kinds of ants were swarming everywhere in the back seat . I wondered how I was going to get rid of them without being painfully bitten and attacked . In another dream , I learned that Richard had his own blog . It even had a name - - Two Wheeler ! The fact that he is a total Luddite who refuses to have a cell phone and stays away from computers as much as he can did not influence me in cooking up this anxiety dream , where I learned that he had a whole secret life he wrote about there and never told me about . Naturally , it was thoughts about my mother that kept me up . I don 't know what to do next . The doctor says he wants her to stay there 9 weeks - - this is the orthopedic surgeon . He also wants to see her next week , and I am unsure how I will manage to transport her and who will accompany her . The doctor is only there on Monday . I suppose I should arrange that today . But there are too many things too many little things and big ones to arrange . This morning I did a few last minute things on my Blackboard site for the class , sent an email to my new students , asking them to download the syllabus and information handout for the class instead of having it copied , three days late . Then I went to see my mother . I stopped at Trader Joe 's and brought her a big beautiful pot of pink Italian heather . I had never seen that before , and I thought she might find it cheerful . When I arrived , they were still serving breakfast , but the caregiver told me that my mother wouldn 't eat a thing . I tried my hand at it , but I have to say that what they gave her was not at all appetizing . At least they could have given her some chocolate pudding . She could eat that , and they could give her her pills that way . And it at least has milk in it , so it isn 't so non - nutritious . The hospital had also given her scrambled eggs , but this place won 't do that . They won 't try to give her hot tea by teaspoon either - - too much trouble I guess . I started to think that if they put her on an IV because she won 't eat , I am not sure how much longer I will allow that to go on . She is refusing to eat , and I suppose that is her last choice . Maybe it is just because they won 't give her anything she likes though . At least they could try that . I did find out a doctor had seen her , but that person didn 't call me . After that , I went to Denise 's yoga class in Mission Viejo . She is leaving for India till September , and I will miss her . Then I hied myself over to Laguna for Bob 's 3 1 / 2 hour Chinese internal martial arts workshop . It is not really the kind of thing I usually go out for , but he was so insistent , I signed up . Then Liz and I went out for Chinese food at Chef Chen ( yum ) . Richard was doing the big read by computer . Now he 's eating the Chinese food I brought home for him . I never dreamed I 'd do the amount of work I needed to in order to get ready for school Monday , when the new semester starts . I had just barely started my syllabus Thursday , though I had done study questions for the works we 'll be studying and had two out of the three paper topics sussed out . But I didn 't do the syllabus , which I need at least to SHOW the students the first day of class . That would be a first for me . But today I skipped yoga , doing practice at home instead , and finished the syllabus ! Then I went and had my hair colored , and while I waited for that , I planned my classes for the week , just about everything . Feeling exhilarated , I went to my dad 's house after that to take him out . He 's been so depressed . He isn 't shaving properly . His upper lip looks as though he 's left the corners unshorn , as though for gleaners . So he smiled when I suggested we go to that sugar - free bakery we spied a couple of weeks ago , with just such a visit in mind . We poked through a charity consignment store in the same strip mall ( mediocre ) , and he got himself a large print book to read too . Then I did the grocery shopping at Trader Joe 's . What an amazing thing ! I won 't feel guilty spending time at yoga class and that Chinese stance workshop Bob is teaching in Laguna tomorrow . Today was a busy day . In the morning , after yoga , I took dad to the farmer 's market and to see mom . But I was overly ambitious because I needed to be in Irvine for an appointment at 1 . I was 10 minutes late because of exceptionally heavy traffic . Then I took part in the graduation at the college as a faculty member , having ordered my regalia for the first time . It was really moving to see the students who have been a fixture on campus for many years finally finishing . One student failed many people 's English classes - - never mine ; I only saw her in the Writing Center . She told me once that she used to be a maid in a hotel , and developed a yearning to be a lawyer , even though she had never graduated even from elementary school , as far as I remember . Her English was poor ( it was her second language ) , so it was a struggle , but I have noticed her bearing change , her confidence grow , and today , she smiled as she walked across the stage . Another student , from last summer , has contacted me a number of times by email , telling me how much my Writing 1 class has changed the way he thinks and writes . He is from Syria , and he will go back there now , but promises to contact me on Facebook , as he has several times already . Most of all , I felt like a real part of the faculty , as I sat with my colleagues , eying the students ' amazing high heels in the hot sun . I have two more papers to grade this semester , and then I have some thinking to do about grades . Technically speaking , there are some people whose numbers say they fail , but I might not fail them . And there 's a person who got an A on every paper whose number gives him a C + - - a C at our school because we have no plusses or minuses . I can 't see giving the guy a C . Of course , he did himself out of an A by not doing a lot of his homework and missing classes , but I will probably give him a B . And there 's at least one who failed , according to his numbers ( a D + ) who I will boot up to a C . Another one failed because he constantly turned in his work late , and I wouldn 't take his previous paper . I have to decide whether to make him pay for that with failure for the whole class . It wouldn 't hurt , truth be told , for him to get more practice on learning how to go to college . He needs that practice because he sure doesn 't know how now . But I imagine he 'll be taking plenty more classes , even if he passes this one . He 'll have to learn to pay attention to assignments and rules in those classes . His illness ( sickle cell and probably also Tourette Syndrome ) kept him out of class for some of that time , so it depends how much I want to let him slide because of these disabilities . I told him though that he definitely needs to go to DSP & S for help next semester . Unfortunately , there isn 't going to be anyone testing people at the college for disabilities this summer . But in the fall , he can get tested . The Torahthon was a hoot . 54 people stood up and did their shticks on a particular piece of Torah they had been assigned . Some did comedy routines , some limericks ( one memorable 5 year old boy , for instance ) , one sang , another brought props such as a piece of burnt toast to represent the temple 's " burnt offerings " and bbq sauce to show something about the world 's first bbq sanctioned by the Torah when the priests at the temple divvied up their piece of the sacrificed animals , and a couple did raps . I was the only one who attempted a real interpretation in my 60 or so seconds . But it was funny , inspiring , inspirational , and above all , a fascinating romp through the world 's strangest book . We are the first synagogue to attempt this , apparently , and others are watching with interest . We will probably be on You - Tube ! Stay tuned ! Today I went to visit my mother at the nursing home , and found that she still would not eat or take her medicine . The nurse was baffled . But she said she didn 't have time to spend with her , like the board and care caregivers do . This , along with the fact that a wound has opened up on her injured leg since she came to the nursing home , makes me feel she would be better off at the board and care . But I am giving it another day or so to see if things improve . She hasn 't seen the doctor there yet , and the staff only just figured out there was no point giving her physical or occupational therapy because of her dementia and deafness and the fact that she keeps her eyes closed most of the time . It was pretty awful being in this situation , and it is clear that I have a hard decision to make soon . On other matters , I was talking with Reb today about my Writing 2 conundrum , and it seems certain that I will have to scale back to be sure that all the students here can complete their research at our library and online . Some students just cannot get around by bus and do not have cars . Though I traveled by bus ( with a baby and lots of groceries and assorted junk ) , not everyone knows how or even lives on a bus line . So unless I plan to take students to the UCI library myself , I should try to help them find topics they can research here , which might be easier now that the librarian says the library here is investing in a major academic database . Yesterday my mother had her appointment . The bus arrived as ordered , and though the driver claimed that they had no record of my mother being in a wheelchair , despite my mad dash on Friday to measure and weigh the thing and call it in to OCTA ( by then closed , so it was left admittedly on an answering machine ) , the company apparently did not have this information . Also , I had completely forgotten to get my poor chilly mother a coat from the house . After she broke her leg , she could not wear any of her clothes because they were all pants that hugged her legs too much , and this wasn 't possible because of the leg stabilizer . There was only one pair of loose , lightweight , flowing pants , so I madly dashed to the store last week and bought about 5 dresses and pairs of shorts . In fact , I have another in my car , but she is always cold , and the caregiver did not pack sweaters or long sleeve tops because she was sure they would put her in a gown , and she said things are always stolen from those places anyway . She has only one longsleeve nightgown , so they dress her in it and the pants every day . She was outside waiting and waiting on the ride home for the bus 45 minutes , freezing . I don 't know what to do . I don 't have time to shop . I worried myself sleepless over it all night long . This is exam week at the college . I will be meeting with my students to give back their drafts and discuss them with as many students who want or need to talk to me . Though it is my official exam day , I will collect the final papers by email on Weds . and grade them as fast as possible so I can do my syllabus for first summer session . Thank goodness , I 'll be done with this class ( nearly ) at that point . The nursing home I chose for mom ( on the caregiver 's advice ) is enormous . It reminds me quite a bit of the one in Philadelphia , but is fortunately much cleaner and friendlier , though the layout of it looks like the assisted living part of the place my parents were in initially . Fortunately , the rehab part doesn 't resemble it at all . That was a snake pit , where the racist attendants let my father lie raving on the floor after his stroke . The admissions person ( on weekends , at least ) is a guy named Hansel , which brought a smile to my face , and you could tell he didn 't want to hear the inevitable quips , so no breadcrumbs , no witch who eats children , etc . What were his parents thinking ? Transporting mom by van went well . The caregiver found me a guy who charged a reasonable price , and I will call him again , I 'm sure , when I need to . I 'm pretty sure mom will never be out of her wheelchair , even after her leg heals . Tomorrow , the person I hire to take my parents to the doctor will ride the public van with her to have her stitches removed . I am concerned about that . They are less than reliable sometimes . I hope it all works out . American Jews like to think of themselves mostly as Americans , and many of them , like me , find the politics in Israel abhorrent , and want to believe it has nothing to do with us . I have belonged to progressive Jewish organizations , Jewish Palestinian dialogue groups , and fancied myself immune to the taint associated with racism in the Middle East , but what is happening on the UCI campus has made me realize that I can 't hide , anymore than the Jews in Europe and Germany could . They didn 't think of themselves as Jewish in the old way . They were assimilated too , but no one who wanted to kill them stopped to ask them about their politics before they sent them off to concentration camps . Talking doesn 't seem to do the trick anymore . These guys aren 't listening . They are angry , and they have some good reasons for it too . It 's just that they are being used by those who want to harness that anger and turn it into something different . I copied a letter I got on email from the Jewish faculty at UCI . They were as appalled as I was . I am pasting it intact here : An Open Letter to the Community from Faculty for Israel at UCIMay 10 , 2010We , faculty at the University of California - - Irvine , are deeply disturbed about activities on campus that foment hatred against Jews and Israelis . The troubling events over the past few years include the painting of swastikas in university buildings , the Star of David depicted as akin to a swastika , a statement ( by a speaker repeatedly invited by the Muslim Student Union ) that the Zionist Jew is a party of satan , a statement by another MSU speaker that the Holocaust was God 's will , the tearing down of posters placed by the student group Anteaters for Israel , and the hacking of their web site . Some community members , students , and faculty indeed feel intimidated , and at times even unsafe . Some of these actions are protected by the First Amendment and in no way do we want to limit freedom of speech . We welcome open dialogue among all members of the UCI community . We respect and value our Muslim colleagues , including those members of the MSU who support and encourage open dialogue and civility on campus . At the same time , we take issue with hate - promoting actions that we find unacceptable . They run counter to the peaceful co - existence and civility that are essential to a university environment . Actions that demonize and derogate others , such as the previous events that have occurred on our campus noted above , have contributed to UCI 's developing a growing reputation as a center of hate and intolerance . Our campus deserves better . Signed : Marlon Boarnet , Professor , Department of Planning , Policy , and Design Matthew Brenner , Professor , Department of MedicineDan Cooper , Professor of Pediatrics and Biomedical EngineeringRina Dechter , Professor , Bren School of Information and Computer SciencesGeorge Farkas , Professor , Department of EducationPaul Feldstein , Robert Gumbiner Professor , The Paul Merage School of BusinessGary Fouse , Posted by As I may have said earlier , the nurse practitioner from UCI Med Ctr . has determined that my mom needs to go to a rehab facility and that her care is too much for the board and care to handle . Consequently , I now have the problem of transporting her to the rehab center because she cannot sit in a car or put weight on her leg . The ACCESS bus for seniors won 't transport her , they say , unless I measure and weigh the wheelchair with her in it . So I went to the house and did the next best thing , adding her weight from a recent doctor 's visit to the weight of the wheelchair . But they won 't take her tomorrow anyhow because it is too late to call for a ride . So I have to find another service that will take her , and the only one I know of doesn 't answer the phone . Meanwhile , I am feeling sick . It seems I have some kind of sinus infection or something that is making my head and ears hurt . This makes everything much more difficult to deal with . I let off some steam by screaming as loud as I could . It just made my throat hurt . I don 't feel any better . I guess I will figure something out . My mother is now able to sit in a wheelchair for a few hours per day , but still is suffering from high blood pressure and some kind of infection of unknown origin . She stays asleep most of the day , except at night , when she tries to escape from her hospital bed and stand up . If she did that , she would break the leg again . Monday , when I am at school talking to the students about their final drafts and preparing them to revise them for the final essay , which comes in Weds . , my mom will be going to the surgeon 's office to have her stitches taken out . Margaret , the driver , will accompany her , but will not drive her . Instead , they will both ride in the OCTA van , if I can get them a spot . I have to call today . The Physician 's Assistant from UCI who tends to my parents came out to visit my mom and says she needs a few weeks in a rehab , so now I have to choose one . That 's hard . Rehabs can be awful . My dad was in a nightmare of one in Philadelphia with racist aides who left him lying helpless on the floor after his stroke , when he was out of his mind . He ended up trying to strangle a doctor , thinking the man was trying to electrocute him with a toilet seat , and was sent to a snake pit of a public mental hospital where everything he owned was stolen . When Richard came to pick him up , he had no underwear , no shoes , and his glasses were gone . The doctors told him no one was going to take him away from there , that he would rot there . I am looking for a decent rehab fairly close by , that will not require me to drive on the freeway . Lou , what 's the name of the place where Robert was staying ? Yesterday was a hard day . I had to sit with the student who lost her fiance and tell her that without sources , her paper would fail . She was crying because she can 't understand why she 's having a hard time . She refuses to see a counselor to help her deal with her grief . Sure , it would be hard anyhow , but I 'd snatch at anything that might help if I were her . I also had to face off with the contemptuous student who says he got a B + in Writing 1 , and this class has made no sense to him from the beginning . He is the same person who says it isn 't fair that students should have to go to UCI to research their topics , and refuses on principle to do it . Others just don 't because they are lazy . Then I went to hear a poet read at UCI , a reading I learned about on Reb 's blog , but when I got there , I found out that it had been moved to another building . When I went to the room and opened the door , a lecture on Renaissance painting was in process . Several of my former professors from UCI were there . I sat down just because I was embarrassed and I thought it would end soon , and the reading would begin , but after a few minutes , I left again and called R . It seems the reading had been rescheduled for 7 PM . I went to wait for Richard in front of the library , where I was confronted with a huge demonstration by Palestinian students declaring this " Israeli apartheid week . " There were no Jewish student organizations in sight , and I know why . Even though I don 't care at all for Israeli policy toward Palestinians , I felt afraid and threatened . I even feared that someone might break my windshield because of the Jewish star chime hanging from the mirror . That didn 't happen , but I sure didn 't care for having to stand there for half an hour . It turned out that he was in the library waiting for me , but I never came into the library . Lousy day ! But today was better . I discovered that the Writing Center was closed because it was a non - instructional day . I got to stay home and read drafts , awful as they were , in a leisurely way , and now I will Posted by I have not been over to see my parents this week as of yet , but I have heard nearly every day from nurses and doctors about my mother . Today I tried to call the orthopedic surgeon because the day that was scheduled for me to take my mother back to have her stitches out ( next Monday ) is when I must be in class giving back drafts and discussing them with students . It is my official exam day . Also , I thought it would be impossible to take her there , given that she cannot sit up or put weight on her leg and her blood pressure is awful , very high . The doctor 's office insists that she must go in an ambulance , and I must either take off work or find someone else to accompany her , so I am trying desperately to find out what time the appointment is , since I cannot find the appointment sheet the hospital gave me and the nurse who left a message didn 't tell me . In fact , both nurses and receptionists insisted my mother did NOT have an appointment that they could see at all . So I am now unsure of how this will be settled . First I must speak with nurses and physician 's assistants who saw her today and ask their opinion whether that will be possible or wise or whether it may endanger her life . Then I can call the doctor back and pass along this information and find out what time the appointment is , and line up transportation and a caregiver to accompany her . Sigh . Today was the last official day of class . Though I am meeting with them Monday and Weds . of next week , the class is officially over , except for the collecting of final papers , which I will do on Weds . Technically , the finals day is Monday , but they will not be ready since I did not get their drafts till today , and several didn 't give me drafts today since they still refuse to go to UCI to do research , saying it is unfair that they have to leave campus in order to do their work . Since it is impossible with most topics to rely totally on IVC 's library and what is available online , there is nothing I can do about this . I told them the first day of class that they should count on having to do it , and on spending many many hours doing research . They never bothered to do it , so most of them are just barely scraping by , and a couple not even that . I will be happy to leave this class behind me forever and never never teach this topic again . On Tuesday the 18th , the synagogue will have a Torah festival in which the entire Torah will be presented by various members of the congregation , piece by piece , in 60 second portions , or parashot . I took up the challenge of presenting one of these pieces , and was assigned a dense block of text - - Numbers 19 . 1 - 22 . 1 . Here is what I will present on Tuesday : Bookended by the deaths of Miriam and Aaron , Chukat provides a means of unlocking the Torah 's symbolic nexus . At this point in its journey through the wilderness , the community is smarting from its wounds , touched by death . The sacrifice of a flawless red cow provides " water of lustration " to purge the Israelites of their impurities . The color of the cow and its gender , linked to fertility , possess immense power . But how does this arcane ceremony connect with the death of Miriam that follows ? Commentators have remarked on the lack of fanfare this death receives . We are told only that Miriam died at a place called Kadesh ( Holy ) , and was buried there . Miriam once acted as a kind of midwife to the Jewish people by setting her brother Moses adrift in the birth canal of the Nile . Here , her death , like the sacrifice of the flawless red cow , compensates for the community 's misdeeds . The Christian notion that the death of a righteous person enables atonement has its roots here . Miriam dies in order to purify the community . The word " lustration " means not only " purification " but the act of census or taking stock . Miriam 's death encourages the people to take stock of their actions and repent , an act of holiness echoing the name of Miriam 's place of death . Today , it is Tuesday , but nothing happened . No one called me with any urgent emergency . In fact , I discovered that my cell phone isn 't working correctly and went off by itself , so maybe that 's why . But for whatever reason , I went on to Torah group and had a nice evening for the first time in many weeks talking about a book of Deuteronomy . It was about 9 : 10 PM when I came home , and I saw something that seemed to be tucked into the screen door . I couldn 't tell what it was because the porch light long ago gave out and replacing the bulb doesn 't help . So I reached out to take whatever it was into my hand , and it flapped crinkly black wings , whatever it was , and flew away , right out of my hands . I have no idea what it was , but I screamed , feeling I was holding a bat or a bird or a very large insect . I have no idea which . Or something supernatural , waiting for me there at the door . After looking at my mom for a while yesterday , seeing she couldn 't get out of bed , sit up , or even keep her eyes open , I determined it was impossible for her to visit the doctor . Therefore , I called the office this morning and told them someone would have to go out to see her . The nurse practitioner with whom she had an appt . is going to go see her , and sent out a nurse in advance to check out the situation . Meanwhile , all kinds of home health nurses , physical therapists , occupational therapists were already attending to her . The nurses all say my mother 's blood pressure is climbing steadily , and she is in immanent danger of a stroke . Frankly , I pray that if she has one , it won 't do a halfway job , leaving her even more impaired than she is at present . How awful to have to pray for that ! On Tuesday afternoon , my mother 's doctor wants her to be seen at UCI Med . Ctr . for a followup appointment . At the time I made the appointment , last week , I thought things would improve , but instead , they may have worsened , since mom is still in bed , asleep all day , and unable to move as well as lacking totally in awareness of her condition . The idea of the driver getting her to UCI med ctr without re - injuring her leg is scary to me , even if I get one of the caregivers to go along with them . I don 't know how much money to offer for that , either . So I called the Physician 's asst . who works with my mom 's doctor and asked for advice . I guess I will hear from her later . This morning I went to my parents ' house at 7 AM and made waffles with strawberries and whipped cream . I had wanted to bring the Trader Joe 's frozen fried potatoes with wild mushrooms , but I forgot it , so we had to do without one more carb ! My mother was asleep , though I 'm told she was up most of the night , busily trying to escape from her hospital bed . Luckily , she couldn 't manage it . She looked as much out of it as she had in the hospital . The caregiver told me I needed to buy her some clothes that would not put pressure on her leg because her pants won 't work . They are all too restrictive . So I went shopping today and bought two dresses - - a button down and a knit one - - a nightshirt , and a pair of shorts with an elastic waist . I know that isn 't much , but it 's all I could find today . I thought I 'd find those housedresses people used to wear , but there weren 't any in her size . My dad , Richard , and Jeremy loved the waffles . The Filipino caregivers thought they looked gross I guess . They didn 't want any . I chopped my mom 's waffles up and fed some to her , asking her if she liked them . She said no , but she kept on opening her mouth for more . Remember that student I have who lost her fiance , but decided to stay in the class anyway ? Well , she turned in one of those terrible papers with no research and no evidence from the text at all . I gave her a D + , which was kind , actually , but I told her that she needs to do better than that on the final paper or she will not pass the class . I felt awful asking her to do more , but she was the one who insisted on staying in the class , against everyone 's advice . And the other student with sickle cell anemia ? No paper at all . Sigh . My Saturday started early , at the Farmers Market with dad . Then I went to Laguna to yoga class , with my very pregnant Brazilian teacher , Isabella . She is a very gifted teacher , and I always learn something new when I study with her . I met someone at yoga that struck me in some ways as a younger ( much younger ) version of me . She is clearly from a Jewish background , and has the same long , straggly , curly hair that I used to have at that age . She said she grew up in Northern New Jersey , near New York , same region of the world I come from , though not identical . She is a dancer , and is writing a memoir , an " inspirational memoir " she said , about how she overcame her difficulties . At her age , which is probably late 20s , I thought that a bit ridiculous , but I didn 't say anything of course , but just listened . After all , I don 't know what it was she overcame , and maybe her triumph is quite noteworthy after all . Despite yoga and all my best efforts , I am a bit frazzled these days . I have three times in the past two weeks dropped my car keys inside the car without noticing it , and of course , locked the door behind me , making it necessary to call Richard to bail me out . Today , I had $ 66 . worth of frozen food and meat in the trunk at the time , so I begged Richard to overcome his anger and come help me , given that I was only about 5 minutes from the house by car . I 'm trying to make it out of this semester in one piece , with my car keys , in time to put all my groceries in the fridge ! Today I took the cat back to the vet , where I learned he caught a virus , which is causing him to sneeze . The vet gave me a prescription to pick up at a human pharmacy , an over the counter allergy medication , and hypoallergenic pill pockets to hide the pill in . But I never got to buy it . I was too busy first grading the awful essays , some of them research essays with two sources , instead of the very reasonable 5 sources I requested . Then I made samples to discuss with the class , and by that time , it was time to go pick up my mother at the hospital . Only I thought better of it . How on earth would I get her in and out of the car without re - injuring her leg ? So I asked that she be taken home in an ambulance , and that didn 't happen for 4 hours after I arrived in the hospital , after the surgeon visited and rewrapped the wound , with my help , and the nurse changed her gown ( I forgot to bring her clothes ) , and after I signed the release paper and got medication and on and on and on . . . you all know how it goes in hospitals , which are like casinos in that they are meant to remain twilight zones , without time . But finally , she got home , and I left her propped in bed eating her mushed up dinner , happy and comfortable , smiling again . This coming week is the last full week of class in the semester . I will be giving back one set of execrable papers and picking up drafts for another , which I hope will be better , but have little reason , in truth , for that hope . It is still an independent research paper , and the students have shown themselves mostly to be incapable of this - - mostly because the topic involves textual analysis rather than sociological issues . It seems that sticking with such issues will be a better idea , unless one does a study of a particular theme or kind of text , or works by one author / filmmaker . So a class in Kubrick might work , with research papers about one of his films , but that will probably not occupy more than one or two research papers , rather than the 3 or so I 'd like their topic to examine . The thing that bothers me most about these papers is the feeling that I have not been able to do my job as well as I would have liked to this time . It is both what is happening with my parents and the topic of the class that has kept me from teaching them to write argument and research topics as well as I would have liked . It isn 't for lack of trying ; something just had to give , I suppose . And being overly ambitious about taking on a new topic now was clearly a mistake . SO I guess I have learned something , and can go on to the next thing . . . preparing summer 's syllabus and assignments . I visited the hospital again , to find mom sitting in her chair . While she was visibly in better physical shape than yesterday , she was definitely more confused , hallucinating and not at all sure what had happened to her or where she was . She kept saying her leg was too big , and she couldn 't get up . I kept telling her she broke it , but she didn 't understand , or she understood for a moment , then forgot again . It is strange because yesterday she was more aware and clear - headed than I have seen her in years . She chatted to me , though the nurses and doctors said she wouldn 't talk to them at all , asking where Jeremy and Richard were . I told her she would be going home tomorrow , and that seems to be the case . The doctor says he will send her to the board and care because the therapists ( Occupational and physical ) can come to the house and work with her . It 's not as though she will ever be able to walk again . She had already forgotten how to do that before she broke her leg . It 's probably part of why she broke her leg . A nutritionist came in and I ordered mom 's food for this evening and tomorrow , all things I know she likes . I hope she enjoys them . I am not sure how much of it she 'll be there to eat tomorrow . Today was rope yoga in Laguna . Tomorrow I cannot go to yoga because I must take the cat back to the vet ( he 's been sneezing ) and pick mom up at the hospital . The future is uncertain . I am nervous about mom breaking a leg , arm , hip again . She definitely will try to get up as soon as the cast is removed . Her blood pressure is problematic as well , and the doctors raised her medication . So far , my parents are still chugging along . My mom had another operation last night , the last ( we hope ) , closing the wound and removing the apparatus that keeps her tethered to the hospital . In a few days , if we are lucky , I will take her home to the board and care , where I hope the caregivers will be able to keep her safe , keep her from re - breaking the leg , or breaking the other , or killing herself in some other way . But I heard of the impending death of a yoga friend , Kathy Ricci . Kathy is an inspiring person , an Iyengar yoga teacher I had never really spoken to until I received notice that she was fighting a case of incurable cancer . This went on for years . Kathy was buoyant , she fought on , despite lack of insurance , since she could no longer teach yoga of course . Her friends cared for and supported her . They lived with her and made sure she had everything she needed . I wrote her supportive notes on email , and attended a workshop benefit for her this past year that raised thousands of dollars for her medical care . She has gone onto hospice , and it is expected that she will die within about 10 days . Though I really didn 't know her before all this started , I feel as if I am losing a friend who has taught me about how to face the ultimate loss staunchly and with hope . Although no medical disasters occurred yesterday , as they have seemed to so often this semester on Tuesdays , particularly in the afternoon when I am working at the Center , I did get two calls in the late afternoon and evening from the hospital saying my mother was not eating . I didn 't have time to go to the hospital to see my mom , so I didn 't get to check on this myself . Not surprisingly , I didn 't sleep well , thinking that my mother would very soon die from this self - denial , and that the doctors were sure to confront me with the question of whether I wanted to entubate her or withhold nourishment - - not a decision I want to have to make . My mother long ago signed an advanced directive saying she did not want heroic measures performed on her should she be gravely ill , but I no longer have that document . Now she is not capable of signing it or anything else , so it would be my decision to make , even though I know she said this 5 years ago . But on the way to the hospital this morning , where I went instead of yoga class , I thought that since Mission is a Catholic hospital , I am probably not going to be offered that choice . They will use the tubes no matter what . However , when I got to the hospital , what awaited me was not what I expected . While my mom was way out of it last time I went , on Sunday , today she opened her eyes and smiled at me , recognizing me . I asked her whether she was hungry because her food was there , and she said yes . She has to have her food chopped up and drinks only thickened liquids , so she won 't aspirate them . So I got a nurse to sit her up and began feeding her pancakes , eggs , coffee , orange juice , milkshake , and applesauce . SHe ate a little of everything . Then she said she wanted tea instead of coffee . I got some tea , but it wasn 't thickened , so she choked , and I had to call the nurse to get it out of her . That was upsetting . I won 't make that mistake again . She asked to see my dad , so I went to get him , and stopped for some gorgeous flame colored tulips on the way . She was so glad to see dad , hPosted by Yesterday afternoon was the first real hint of summer we had here . Of course , I spent most of it cooped up inside with students . It is nearing the end of the semester , and I have a set of papers ( THE dreaded bunch of papers I 've been complaining about ) coming in tomorrow . Then , in a week or so , another set of papers - - the other half of the assignment , involving the film they studied . On one hand , I think the students are mostly more enthusiastic about the film half . They mostly chose these pairs for the films , which they had seen more than once . But they have not done the research , and I don 't have time to help all of them do that . Two students at least didn 't even do the research for the first half , and I probably won 't be getting any papers from them . One student did the research , with my help , but clearly has no clue what any of it means at all . He will fail , but probably needs another semester of practice at any rate . I will be glad to have this semester done , and the opportunity to start fresh with the 6 week summer classes , which are hard work , but clean . I know how to proceed , though I will be teaching some material I have never taught before . I know the path . The PondWhat seems so still at first is not . A world submerged , and every inch alive . Above the surface , iridescent dragonflies , their errant flight embroidering the air , wear close - cut goggles as glider pilots do . Ribbed torsos anchor thin , transparent wings , patterned like a leaded pane , computerchip magnified ten thousand times . Although it 's May , the stink speaks August all at once , as all this simmers in the heat . At the water 's edge , something slips onto the mud - - a leopardfrog , finding its first legs , a bit of tailstill hanging at the back . Beneath the green - gold water , shadows skim - the obliviouscatfish , big and barbled , plump as a purse . A thousand tiny fry scatter in confusion , pinprick eyes shine like constellations , shift and shape again . Even in one dropa million beings swarm , being born , dying , preying on their fellows , creaturesin the middle of their lives , as I am , unaware . After yoga class , I stopped off to see dad and to bring him last week 's Sunday New York Times . I do that every week . But today , the caregiver told me that dad has needed oxygen the past two nights , and can no longer walk freely around the grounds . He must be wheeled , and the caregiver takes care of his plants and worms . It tells me that he will probably not be with us much longer , which saddens me , of course . Also , I am worried because if he goes first , most of the money we get for their care will be cut off , and we will be left mostly the money we got for selling their house . Then my mom will have to go to a medicare place , where she will definitely not get the level of care that she gets here . She was much better today . Her eyes were open , and she was talking , though she didn 't make much sense . She was glad to see us , particularly dad , who I wheeled close to the bed so they could hold hands . She had food there , but will not feed herself . I could see that someone had been feeding her a little of the mush on the plate . She was having trouble swallowing , so they chopped everything up very fine , no pieces bigger than those in baby food for one year olds . Weds . she has another surgery . I will probably not be able to go see her again before that time . Last night I showed Room with a View , the last in the adaptation film series . A student I had never seen before showed up to watch it . She enjoyed it , and was sorry the series was over , saying she didn 't hear anything about it from anyone , but finally saw it advertised on the marquee , where of course , it had been advertised since the start of the series . At the end , we were rather sad to see it end , despite the lack of success , and Richard asked me if I couldn 't do it again , just for us , with a different set of films . I said no , but admitted that I had enjoyed showing films just for us on the large screen . Yahoo had a little photo feature about the 15 most dangerous animals . How come they didn 't put humans in there ? I would bet they 're much more dangerous than all the rest put together . The one that struck me most was the slow loris . It 's a very small animal , and apparently , one of the only poisonous mammals . I know male koalas and duck - billed platyppi ( ? ) have poisonous spurs on the back leg . But the slow loris exudes poison from glands near its elbows . Shabbat notwithstanding , Saturday is always a very busy day . My dad wants to go to the farmer 's market near U . C . I . , where he eats up everything with his eyes , and samples things for real as well . And now that my mom is in the hospital , I need to go visit her . On top of that , there is a yoga class in Laguna in the early afternoon with a very good teacher , Isabella . She is pregnant , so I take advantage of as many of her classes as I can before she will not be able to teach for a while . This is her second child . She has a 2 year old as well , and lives far from the studios were I usually study , in San Clemente . The morning had a tough start . I got up early , so I could do everything , even though Richard offered to take my dad to the market . But when I stopped at the bank to get money for the market , which accepts only cash , I dropped my keys in the front seat , and didn 't notice until I came back and wanted to open the door . There they were , inside the locked car . I called Richard , and he took his time getting there . By the time I got into the car , it was too late for me to do everything I had planned , so Richard took my dad to the market after all . I hear they had a good time . My mom again didn 't recognize me and didn 't acknowledge the very violet irises I brought her . I put her glasses on her . . . they had been sitting beside her on the table . The nurses told me they were concerned about her high blood pressure , but also that she was eating very well . She enjoyed the pancakes and eggs they fed her this morning . I finally met up with the doctor who has been trying to get me since she was admitted . Apparently , I didn 't get most of his messages , only the first one , from the ER , and after she was admitted , I didn 't bother to call him back . So he was glad to see me . Then I drove down to Laguna and had a wonderful class , where I learned some new moves . On the way back , I went grocery shopping , and now I am going to make dinner . I 'm showing the last movie in the Adaptation series tonight . Several people have told me they saw Posted by |
Yesterday and today were pretty much laid back days for Jason , though we did go to Costco for a little shopping , today . Jason is attempting to get more " down " time to allow for more healing of his open wounds , and from the way they looked today I 'd have to say that there is some good from this strategy . We 're looking for laser treatment in September , and that should help brings back under control , so we are all looking for a positive out look for this treatment . On another note , and probably why I should have posted yesterday , Jason is now a civilian again . He officially retired as of about noon yesterday . He is now a retired Marine and will be enjoying all the benefits associated with that situation . Fortunately , because he is retired and the situation of his retirement , he is allowed to continue most of his medical needs with the hospital at Balboa . We have begun the process of getting his records being fully tracked by the VA now , and his pay to be coming from the VA , however we understand that it can take months before both are completed . Yes , we have been working some of this for months already , but a large portion of it can not get fully going until after he retires . Let 's hope that the " front " work we did helps to get things moving more quickly . Tomorrow is Labor Day , and we plan on just staying around the house - though there is talk of going to the zoo , and we think the girls will be happy about that . They should be here at the house around 08 : 00 . Other than that we expect a nice relaxed day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to write about today , with regard to Jason 's healing and wound care activities . He is doing well and he went to physical therapy this morning , he filled , or I should say refilled some of his prescriptions and then we head on back home . Actually , there was a stop at Navy Fed Credit Union for a personal errand , and then another one at the housing office over here by the house . Because it is so close to the house he asked me to just drop him and Gracie off , and he would walk her home when he was finished . On his way back to the house he stopped by our mail box and picked up the mail , and then he was home . By now is was after 12 : 00 and all of us were hungry , so I wanted to put something together quickly . I grabbed the bread and peanut butter and started to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when Jason asked , " Have you ever had peanut butter and honey ? " I had to admit that I had not , and thought the idea was interesting . I told Jason we did have some honey , and I 'd be happy to make him one ( I still wanted my PB & J - We have strawberry preserves , my favorite ) . That was pretty much lunch for the two of us , as Linda is sticking with her diet and doing an outstanding job of not wavering from it . There were a few more errands that had to be taken care of , like going to the bank and post office , as well as some clean up around the house , but otherwise we didn 't do much else . I did go and pick up the girls from school today ( about 15 : 00 ) , and that was sort of last minute , but that was fine by me . Their mom , who would have normally picked them up , was unable to today and asked Jason if we could do it for her . She came by the house a little later ( I think about 16 : 30 ) . Like I said , not much else going on , and we just relaxed and worked on a few things at the house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was one of those days where Jason did not have any appointments and spent most of the day in bed . I wish he would spend more time in bed , to allow the wounds to heal , but he is that kind of guy who wants to get out and take care of things . He recognizes that he needs to let his body heal , yet he also wants to get out and do things , like most of us . Anyway , he took time to clean some of the equipment he has and to just play a little with Gracie . The rest of the day was in bed . I got up and went for a nice bike ride . It wasn 't too long , as I am still trying to build up to that , and Linda wanted to do a few things that required my involvement . I also was able to put some time in on Stand Up and Play , and the Quick Books work that I am doing for them . The fun part is that I am continually learning new things and still finding out QB can be used . This evening Linda and I went over to see our cats , and they are doing great . Glenn , Anne and their son , Nick are doing a great job of being a foster family for Pumpkin and Candy ( the cats ) , and we feel lucky to have connected with them . They also have a son , Nick , who is also in Scouting . He has reached the rank of Eagle Scout , and is having his Court of Honor , early next week . We have been invited to this event , and Jason is looking forward to going . It will be good to get in to a setting of a bunch of Scouters having a good time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was what you would call a RED Letter day for Jason , as there was a bunch to get done and generally a very busy day for all of us . The girls were up early , and actually Stacy came up and made sure we were awake by 06 : 30 . The past couple of days we 've had to go down and get her up , closer to 07 : 00 , so today was particularly nice . Both Jackie and Stacy were up and ready to head out to school , by 07 : 40 , and Linda and Jason were ready to get them there . Linda was doing what I would normally be doing because I had my own appointment with the VA , at 08 : 00 . Right after dropping the girls off Jason was off to his first appointment , and this is where it really gets good . Jason 's first appointment was with the DMV , and Linda had to get him over to the Scripts Vehicle Training Center , so that he could take the driving assessment in their vehicle ( The DMV wants those who are testing to take the test in their vehicle - and Jason was totally fine with that ) . Jason took the test and passed with a score of 100 % , and then again , what else would you expect from him . The driving test took about 30 minutes or so , and Gracie was so very happy to see him when he got back . Linda was holding on to Gracie during the test and she basically whined the entire time Jason was gone ( Gracie did , not Linda ) . There were a couple of other appointments for Jason , thought in comparison , not as important . With the passing of this event , Jason can now officially get his truck and drive himself around town . I suspect that it will still be a little while before he does much driving , but I expect him to build up to longer drive times , quickly enough . We all got back to the house at about the same time , this afternoon and we had a nice little lunch together . I had a couple of appointments also , and both of them worked out fine . The only down side is the amount of time I have to extend with the VA , sometimes . The head of the section where I went to did apologize to me and gave me a different number to call , if I need to come back in . This is supposed to help with getting me in sooner , so I 'll see how it works . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed , and Linda and I even had our date - night time together . We went to go see the new James Brown movie " Get on Up " , and found it to be very enjoyable . There were some things left out about his life , and you did walk away with some questions , but then if it had all the information it would have taken twice as long to watch it . I would recommend that anyone who is interested in that era of music , and especially James Brown fans , go and watch it . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The girls got off to school this morning , and it was actually quite a nice morning . No delays or scrambling around to find lost items or shoes , and breakfast was easy and quick ( they had multi - grain Cheerios ) . Right after getting back to the house I went and double checked with Jason , on his appointments , as well as other things he might want to do , and I was clear until 11 : 15 , when we needed to be over at the Sharps Institute where Jason was to complete his final driver training . This meant that I had about 2 1 / 2 hours and time to get out on my bike . More specifically it meant a 15 to 16 mile ride , and that is what I did . I got back from the ride ( 16 miles ) and cooled down and cleaned up , and got ready to go . Jason and I went over to the Sharps and within about 30 minutes he was behind the wheel and ready to head out on his last " training " session , so that tomorrow he can do the DMV version . Once he has that out of the way he will be able to finally get into his OWN truck , and start driving himself whenever he needs to go somewhere . This will be a level of freedom for Jason that he has been looking forward to for almost two years now . The session went off without a hitch . . . sort of . . . When we got to Sharps they had the controls moved over to the right side , so that Jason could get a feel for what that was like . When he gets his truck the controls will be on the right side . As it turned out , the moving of the controls from the left to the right isn 't quite as simple a move as one might think . They drove for a few miles and Jason was having to cross over on some of his moves , and that was too big of an issue to continue , so they stopped and Penny ( the drive instructor ) moved the controls back over to the left , where they were designed to be , just as the ones in the truck will be designed for the right side , and thus the same problems / challenges won 't be encountered . Anyway , with the controls where they should be the drive was completed , and Jason did just fine . When they go to the DMV tomorrow , he will be driving that same Sharps van - one of the requirements from the DMV , not sure why . The rest of the day was again , quiet and the girls were back from school and excited , again , to tell us about all that happened . I am glad they both seem to like school so much , right now , as it will make it easier as the classes get more difficult . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . First day of school for the girls , and it was chaos . . . Well , maybe not chaos , just very exciting . We got up at a little after 06 : 00 this morning , and had the girls up a little bit later . Even with the idea that the first day of school was awaiting them , they still didn 't want to get up . We finally did get them up and dressed , and both of them looked great , as well as excited to be heading off to a new adventure . We walked to school , as we do live very close , and the number of vehicles attempting to get on to the grounds was higher than usual . We already are familiar with the class room where Jackie is now going , as well as the teacher ; the big challenge was finding Stacy 's class room . We had to walk all of about 30 feet to find the door . Then , as you enter the door , her name was on the desk where she will be sitting . We got to meet some of the other parents , and Stacy got to meet some of the other students , briefly , then we were out of the room and socializing outside . The students and teachers all stayed in the class rooms and the adults all gathered around a table that had bagels and coffee . I don 't drink coffee and Jason does only rarely , so we didn 't really stay too long . Jason did get to meet some of the other parents and that was good , as well as got his name on the contact roster for the parent association . After that , we simply walked home . The next on the agenda was Jason 's appointment back at Balboa . He had an appointment with PT , and then we came back home . Since it was still relatively early I decided to go for a bike ride . I only planned on going for a short ride and told Linda I would be back in an hour . I took off and planned on riding out to Mission Bay , and then saw that the road was being worked on , and the bike lane was closed . I decided to turn around and headed back , and still managed to get in a little over 11 miles . The rest of the day was spent taking care of errands and doing some clean up . We need to start planning on how we are going to reorganize the garage , and off - site storage . We still have too much stuff , and not enough room , but that 's pretty much normal for most houses . The day wore down to the evening and then after dinner ( I grilled some steaks for Jason and I and hot dogs for the girls . Linda fixed her own dinner and is being very good about her diet ) , we just relaxed . Tomorrow Jason will be going to his final driver training , and then I think Wednesday or Thursday he will be testing with the DMV to get his approval for driving a specialized vehicle . I think he is very ready to be out on his own , and I am looking forward to this . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is Jackie 's birthday , and she turned 4 years old ! We had the party for her yesterday , and we kept it kind of small , with just family attending . Jason 's older brother David , came down with his two boys , Dylan and Ethan , to help with the celebrating . The cousins all get along very well and they played together , both outside and inside . I was able to get some pictures taken this time , so I hope you enjoy them . Nana and Tata also came ( that 's Linda 's parents , so that makes them Jackie 's Great Grand Parents ) . The visitors all stayed for lunch and for a little bit a resting period , before having to take of to get back home . Both Nana and Tata , and David and his sons , live north of here , so they all had to endure some traffic going home . Because it was Saturday , I am hoping it wasn 't too bad . Jackie is like most 4 - year olds and was pretty excited to see all the people and all the gifts , especially since they were for her . The funny part is that as she opened one , she was ready to stop to go off and play with that gift , in her hand . We had to keep getting her to focus on the other packages . Stacy did pretty good too , considering that most of the stuff was for Jackie , and she only received a couple of things . David ( and Miriam , his wife , who wasn 't able to attend ) gave both girls rain boots , with Hello Kitty on them . It wasn 't all they gave , but it was the best thing , as far as Stacy and Jackie were concerned . They wore the boots most of the rest of the day , yesterday , and then again most of the day , today . From Nana and Tata they received a couple of hula - hoops and those went over big . It was kind of funny watching the girls try to use them while wearing the rubber rain boots . Today we went to church in the morning and as soon as we got back home they both put their boots on and had a great day . I think Jackie was actually kind of confused with the party yesterday , and then today she was being told it was her birthday . We really didn 't do much else today , other than finished with some clean up , and a friend of Jason came over , Gary K . , for a short visit , as well as to give gifts to both the girls . Tomorrow is first day of school , for the new year , and they are both going to the same school this year , though Jackie is in Pre - K . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today has been an interesting day , and a busy one . Jason decided that he wanted to get his retirement photo ID done today , so we went over to building 26 to get it done . When we arrived there was a line of folks already there , as well as a few others who had made appointments . My guess is that Jason didn 't think it was going to take too long , and so we waited . What happened , as a result , was that his PT appointment was missed , and he really doesn 't like to miss appointments . He did end up finally getting his ID created , and this time he had all the correct forms , and they were correctly filled out . Last time he went there his copy of his DD214 was incorrect and we had to get back to Pendleton to get it fixed ( that was in a blog a few days ago ) . After receiving his new ID we headed over to the PT area , so he could apologize to Dawn , and reassure the other appointments would be kept . It was also a good time to stop , because we got to meet up with a few people we hadn 't seen in a few weeks , and it nice to catch up . We left Balboa and decided to head over to the Ability Center , where they are doing both Jason 's truck and his van . Both of them are moving along nicely , and the van should be ready by the end of next week , which would put it on the day before his last day as an active duty Marine . He official retirement date is August 30 , and that is one week from tomorrow , Saturday . The truck would probably be ready the following week . He still has to do his DMV driving test , and that takes place next week , and then he will be able to get his truck and van . The Van is a gift from The Gary Sinise Foundation and The Wounded Warrior Family Support organization , and the Truck is a gift from The Nice Guys and The Semper Fi Foundation . Also , both of them were helped with money from the VA , and all of the groups working together made it possible for the vehicles to become reality . The rest of the day was doing a few things to get ready for Jackie 's fourth birthday party . She actually turns four ( 4 ) on Sunday , but it seemed to work better to have her party on Saturday . I be sure to post some photos this time , and see how well I do with the camera . We 're not expecting too many people , with just a few family members coming , and that should actually be a good thing for her party . She enjoys playing with her cousins , and we hope they all have a great time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . For the past couple of years , now , we have pretty much been using a loaner van , to help with Jason 's transportation needs . There was the other van that was recently given to us , that since then has been donated to Father Joe 's Home , and we are now waiting on another van that is being " built " to help Jason , and the rest of us be able to get around like a family . Well , the van that we are borrowing , from Semper Fi and Rollx is a relatively new van , and in this particular case , we have put most of the miles on it . Over the coarse of a couple of years it has needed service and today was one of those days . I got up early and packed my bike into the van , and drove to the dealership , where the service was to be performed . The idea being that I was to ride my bike home , and then turn around and ride it back to pick it back up ( total ride would be just over 15 miles , with one very challenging hill ) . Anyway , I took it in to the service , at Hacienda Chrysler / Dodge and everything looked great for being coordinated . I had made the appointment , so they were expecting me . Then , for whatever reason , a different service person took this particular job , and things got a little shaky . In the past Patricia was the service person who dealt with the Semper Fi vehicles and she was very aware of all the particulars of how it was handled . Joey , the new guy , apparently didn 't have any of the required knowledge and it took nearly half a day just to get that corrected , and since new tires were involved ( 4 of them ) it was a larger expense than just an oil change . I did drop off the van , and rode my bike home , then after a number of phone calls , back and forth between the Marines , me and the dealership , and a few hours of elapsed time , I did not ride my bike back . In fact , the van was now not going to be ready until 17 : 00 ( 5pm ) at the soonest . Originally it was supposed to be no later than 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) . When I did finally get the van back , it was after 17 : 30 ( 5 : 30pm ) , and I still have to take it back in to finish the alignment . The mechanics there are quite good , and they showed they wanted to get the job done right . It is the front end that had the problems , and they blamed it on being short handed and very busy . If they are short handed then they shouldn 't be promising times to customers that can 't be delivered . Setting expectations is the most important thing they can do , and in this case it was badly handled . Anyway , the front end work will be done early next week , when I again have time to get it in . The rest of the day was quiet and Jason actually spent most of the day in bed . There is an early appointment in the morning ( the reason I needed the van back ) , and we will be getting the girls back tomorrow . We 're going into the weekend prior to the beginning of a new school year , so we 're expecting a bunch of excitement . The other big thing , this weekend is Jackie 's birthday ; she will be turning 4 years old . These past four years have been so fast , and so full of events ; it just keeps our heads spinning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not a great deal going on today . Jason had a couple of appointments and that was pretty much it . We did get a chance meeting with Dr . Shumaker , and that was fortunate . He is the doctor who is able to do some of the laser treatment that has really benefited Jason , each time it happens . While talking with the doctor we were able to tentatively establish the next treatment , and we 're hoping that it provides that little " push " that is needed for the wounds to finally heal . We 'll be speaking with his scheduler on Friday , and set up the specific date / time for the treatment , and it is very likely to happen in early September . The other two appointments were with PT , where Dawn was able to work her magic on Jason 's shoulders , and he was feeling much better after ; and , then we went on to Wound Care , where they showed me something new , that should help as well . All - in - all it was a good day for a visit to the hospital , despite the pharmacy slow down . Something happened to their system and all prescriptions got backed up , thus causing a much longer wait time than we usually experience . The girls will be gone until Friday , and that 's okay , because that provides us with a little time to prepare for the first day of school , on this coming Monday . Jason is pretty excited about being able to take the girls to their first day of school , and this time Stacy will be entering Kindergarten . Both she and Jackie are pretty excited as well , and so are Grandma and Grandpa . . . ; - ) Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report on today , as we spent most of the day at home . We had our little errands to do , such as taking the girls to different places and going to the grocery store ( needed to pick up a couple of lemons ) , but otherwise it was a quite day . Jason is doing well , as are the rest of us and we 're just moving along in a nice easy way . Tomorrow we hope to hear if they ( the folks who take care of the housing we 're currently in ) are going to be fixing the shower soon . Right now , every time Jason takes a shower there is water all over the floor , and it is due to the fact that he has to drive his wheel chair right up to the shower , and the weight of the chair has broken down the flooring adhesive . It is something they are familiar with and have had to fix in a few other houses , and fortunately for us , they have run into a number of issues with those other houses . We should be able to just get the work done and then Jason will have a good shower again . Tomorrow is another quiet day , and it looks as though Jason only has a couple of appointments , so we should be back to the house by late morning . This works fine for me , as it could still provide me a chance to get out on the bike and get some exercise . I 'll just have to wait to see how the day plays out . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was very calm and even the weather was pretty nice . Jason only had an appointment with the folks over at Sharps , where they do the driver qualification . His appointment was at 08 : 30 , so we needed to get out of the house early , or at least we thought we did . We got up at 06 : 30 and were ready to go at about 07 : 40 , and Sharps is about 15 minutes away , on a traffic friendly day . As it turned out , it was a very friendly kind of traffic day , and we got there before 08 : 00 . We actually arrived before his " tester " person showed up , and when she did , she immediately came over to say , " Hello . " She was the same tester that Jason worked with last time , so at least there is that level of familiarity . This time I didn 't ride along with them . Gracie and I stayed back at the van and just chilled for about an hour . I am still fighting a cold and the idea of just relaxing was kind of appealing . When they did complete the drive and " test " there was no parking left , and I found that kind of humorous . I guess they 're going through an expansion right now , and some of the parking has been taken away , due to the construction . When they 're finished there should be adequate parking available . Anyway , the test drive was good and Jason did just as well as he did last time . The form will be sent to the DMV for processing and when that has happened they are to contact Jason again , and then he should be very close to being able to get his own vehicle . Another four to six weeks will have it all done . The rest of the day was quiet . Linda and Stacy were having a good time around the house . They also went to the library for a visit ( a couple of hours ) , and Stacy was very happy about that . She loves the library and we are totally okay with that . Linda and I went to go pick up Jackie , a little later in the afternoon , and Jackie was happy to see us both come in to her room . She is starting to develop a little faster now and she is at a good place for moving to her new preschool . That actually begins next Monday , along with Stacy 's beginning with kindergarten . Exciting days are ahead for sure . No appointments for us tomorrow so I am going to attempt to get a bike ride in , as long as I 'm feeling up to it . Then , I 'll see about getting a few other things out of the way . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday was a pretty good day for Jason and all the Ross family , here in San Diego . We got up , not too early , but still early enough . We headed out to take Gracie and Jason to their service - dog training , though Linda chose to stay back at the house . I think she was more in the mood to go do some shopping and taking care of a few things on the home front . The training was good - while they trained I stayed back in the van and either read or just relaxed , until Jason came back . Once back in the van we headed over to Anthony Netto 's place , where we were to meet up and then go on to some target practice . Jason bought a new scope set up for his rifle , and he wanted to see if he could get it zeroed in . As it turned out , it was a little more of a challenge than he originally thought . It is one of those higher end scopes and as a result it is a little delicate in the tuning . While he was doing that , Anthony and I were basically having a good time with his rifle , and I even managed to hit the target a few times , near the bull 's eye . After about three and a half ( 3 1 / 2 ) hours of shooting we all began to realize that we were hungry , and we hadn 't even picked up a pistol . Actually Anthony and Jason did all the pistol shooting and when I was asked if I 'd like to shoot I simply said , " No , I 'm just hungry right now . " At that point we just kind of stopped and said enough for the day and headed off to get some food . Prior to leaving we called Linda and let her know what we were doing and she informed us about a messed up I8 , due to a major traffic accident , that involved about 5 vehicles . Fortunately , it hadn 't impacted where we were , by too much , so we finally did get something to eat . The drive home was much easier than we thought was going to be , and by the time we had made it home we were both getting pretty tired . Being out in the sun , as long as we were is very draining on the body , and I am just not as young as I used to be . Actually , both Anthony and Jason were teasing me about wearing so much sun block , but it paid off ; I had little sun burn to deal with , and both of them had signs , though not much . And that was pretty much yesterday . Today is Linda 's birthday , and she turned 21 ! Okay maybe a little older than that , but she can still act like she 's 21 sometimes . As I said , Jason and I were feeling the affects of the sun , from yesterday and this morning I didn 't wake up until 07 : 30 , and that is a lot later than I usually do . On top of that I 'm fighting a bit of a cold , and that also tends to make you want to sleep a bit more . Linda woke a little after that and we talked for a little while and then I guess I just sort of closed my eyes and when I opened them again it was nearly 10 : 00 . Linda told me I had been snoring , so I guess I fell back asleep , and didn 't even know it . We finally got up a bit later and I fixed breakfast , which was more like lunch now . Even Jason had been sleeping a bunch more than usual , so he wasn 't bothered at all by the schedule shift . Not much else went down today , and Linda got to enjoy a very nice and relaxed birthday . She wanted me to cook some kab - bobs so I did , and they came out great . We finished the day off with watching a video and just relaxing and enjoying each other 's company . There was no birthday cake , we ate an apple pie with ice cream , instead , and we enjoyed it . We 're ready for the new week , and look forward to all the challenges it just might bring , and will keep you all posted on what generally happens . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning started with me going to the gym at about 06 : 30 , do get a little cardio workout going . The reason for the early start was that I knew I wasn 't going to be able to get a ride in , this morning , so the gym was the next best thing . Actually , I could have gone for a ride a little later in the day , but due to the fact that it was over 90 again , I didn 't want to get out and bake myself on the bike . Heck , even when walking over to the gym , as early as it was , it was very warm already . Anyway , it was a good work out / run - walk , and when I got back to the house I found that Linda wasn 't feeling very good . I told her to stay in bed and I 'd take care of things down stairs . Jason and I did leave the house as about 09 : 00 , and headed over to physical therapy . This was the only appointment that he had , and then while that was going on I went over to pick up his prescription . The nice thing about being here , as long as we have , is that the folks there know both of us so we actually get very fast service . The fact that they weren 't too busy helped too , I think . We headed back home , then Jason said he wanted to go over to the Marine Corp Recruit Depot ( MCRD ) , so he could go to the uniform store to pick up a couple things . He wants to make some changes to Gracie 's vest , and it is the closest source of what he needs . We got to their shopping area and walked over to the store entrance . The uniform store is upstairs so we head to the elevator and there is a sign on it - " Out of Service . " There is only the one elevator so that means no getting to the store . As you might imagine , this irritates Jason a bit , but not really a bunch he can do , so we leave . He decides he will just have to wait to make the changes . The rest of the day was laid back and relaxed . It seems I 've caught a cold , but it isn 't too bad right now . Both of the girls have the sniffles so I am guessing it came from Jackie , who picked it up at the day care . One of those things in life that just seem to follow you around . Tomorrow we will be heading out to the training class for Jason and Gracie , and then seeing whatever else the day might bring . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday I wrote about having to get up to Pendleton , to take care of some paperwork . The paperwork was actually quite important , and had a significant bearing on how Jason 's retirement was going to be , once he was totally retired from the Marines ( something that will happen on the 30th of this month ) . The drive to Camp Pendleton actually took more time than it did to get the issue corrected . Both Jason and I were totally surprised at how seamless and easy it was to get it done . . . not to mention how happy we were . The effort was so simple and quick that we decided to get over to the Exchange , on base , and Jason did a little shopping for Jackie 's birthday , coming up on the 24th . We looked at a number of different things , also , while we were there , and about the only down part of the entire trip was the drive home . Traffic was pretty bad , and I think it was due to traffic breaks . I only say that because I have seen it happen , more than once , while driving on the I5 , between Los Angeles and San Diego . The rest of the day was relatively quiet . Actually , the very first thing I did this morning was to go for a bike ride , though it was only for an hour . Once I had cooled down and I had my shower out of the way , we took off for Camp Pendleton . When we arrived back at the house Linda and Stacy had already taken off . Linda wanted to share some " girl " time with Stacy , and I think Stacy liked the idea . Linda took her to one of the pizza places , close by , and then to do a few other things . They got back to the house by about 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) and right after that Stacy wanted to just lay down and rest . I think Linda did too , so I let them both relax for a little while , while I did a few other things . Not much else happened today , though Jason did take some time out to look at an on - line course for how to load your own ammunition . He hopes to get more into target shooting , and loading / making your own ammo is probably one of the best ways to save money doing it . We were talking about possibly doing some shooting this weekend , so I 'll just have to wait and see how things play out for him . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much of a busy day , just a day for getting some things done . Even when we went into Wound Care it was kind of uneventful , and that 's the way we like it . Tomorrow Jason and I will be headed up to Camp Pendleton , to take care of the paperwork mess up , and we hope it really doesn 't take too long . , otherwise we will end up being up there at commute time and then having to drive home in that traffic . Then that 's tomorrow , and I 'm not going to worry about that right now . The rest of the day was just putting up some pictures around the house , and a large framed Drew Brees jersey from when he played in the 2007 All Stars NFL Game . It was mounted by Way Up Art and Frame in Livermore , and they did an excellent job . The backyard was also cleaned up and looks much better now , and should still be in good shape for Jackie 's birthday party in about 10 days . Linda and I did have our date - night , and watched a video of Willow , which we hadn 't seen in quite a while . We didn 't feel like going to the movies so I just made popcorn and we watched the movie . It was a nice relaxed ending to a relaxed day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another day , that began , much like many of the others , with a trip to Balboa , to get some things done , only this time we brought both the girls with us . Linda actually stayed back at the house , because we had some of the maintenance guys coming over , and didn 't know when they 'd be there . Anyway , the big chore today was to get new ID 's made for Stacy and Jackie , and a new ID for Jason , who is soon to be retired . Most of the guys do this on their last , or almost last day , but Jason wanted to get it done , and he had some time to do it . We walked into the waiting area and Jason signed in . We sat down and waited for our turn , which looked like it was going to be a while ( about 10 people there ahead of us ) . While waiting Jason shifted into Daddy mode and began playing games with the girls . Funny thing is , the one game they seemed to like the best was the one where the person who sat still the longest was the winner . This went on for nearly 30 minutes , and I was totally impressed . With that behind us Jason 's name was called and we went up to the desk of the man who was to help out . He looked at the paperwork ; he asked a few questions of Jason ; and , then asked to see his DD - 214 page ( This is a discharge document that everybody who is in the military receives when they exit - I have one , my dad had one , and so on ) . Only thing is , the information on Jason 's copy was wrong in one very important area . It indicated that he was being medically released , and the correct thing should say he is being medically retired . There is a BIG difference in those two things , so now it has to be corrected . What that means is that Jason has to now go back around to some of the same folks he went to , a few months ago , and get things changed so that it reflects the real situation . This could be a lot of work for Jason , though it also might be taken care of in a relatively short manner . The good aspect with Jason going to get his ID , is that he still has a couple of weeks to get things corrected , and he is still active duty . It he had not gotten to this until after getting out , it would have been all kinds of challenges , and might have taken more than a year to correct . Anyway , we are headed up to Pendleton tomorrow to begin working on the correction . The rest of the day was pretty easy , after that . I did make a run out to Costco , and spent a couple hundred of Jason 's dollars . Actually , Jason and I went together , and it was probably one of the few times that we have been to Costco , together , without anyone else coming with us . Dinner was left overs again , and I was happy about that . I don 't like building up a bunch of good food in the refrigerator , just to let it go bad . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . After breakfast , we soon got ready to head off to the hospital campus , where Jason had his first appointment with Physical Therapy ( PT ) . Jackie went with us to the base , as that is where her Child Development Center ( CDC ) is also . She is always so excited about going there , and that makes us very happy . The funny thing is that when we come to pick her up she is just as excited to see us . Jason had his first appointment with PT , over at the C5 clinic . On the way over there were a couple of people he knew from Bethesda walking through the halls . Both of them were doing well , and their wounds were completely healed up . They were now out here , where they have retired and occasionally come in to Balboa for specific treatment . As a result of these social encounters , Jason was almost late for his appointment . Well , I guess I should say he thought he was almost late . We arrived at about 10 minutes to 10 : 00 , when he thought his appointment was . Actually , his appointment was for 10 : 30 , so we were very early , and I had to smile at the hurried look on his face . The appointment went well and Jackie , the therapist did an excellent job on Jason 's shoulder . Jason had one other person to see , and that was a very quick meeting . It was simply to get a shot and then we were out of there . We headed back to the house , and got there before noon . We basically just got settled in when Linda and Stacy came walking in . Linda had taken Stacy to the library and she picked up another 10 books . She loves to get new books for us to read to her . She will have the books read to her so many times that she nearly memorizes them and then starts to recognize some of the words for herself . I guess this is one of the ways kids learn to read . This plus what Linda has been doing with her will help her move along quickly after she enters kindergarten in a couple of weeks . Yep , school starts soon , and this year both girls will be going to the same school . The rest of the day was relaxed , with me going to pick up Jackie and then a little later , after dropping her off at the house , I went to the store . Tomorrow there are no appointments , though we have a number of things we want to accomplish . I was talking with Jason and told him I wanted to get an early bike ride in , and he wants to head over to the gym in the morning . I have a list of about 12 things I would like to get done , and so just maybe I will be able to do it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday was a good day for all of us , here in San Diego ; my back was feeling much better and the weather was excellent . We didn 't have anywhere special to go , and we were able to get most of our chores done , play with the girls and even have time to fix a nice dinner . Grandma ( Linda ) had gotten home late last night and this morning the girls were both up early , and in the room to wake Grandma and Grandpa . My back was feeling much better and we were all at home again . On top of that , Karen Ryan was visiting , as she helped Linda drive back down from Livermore . Yesterday evening was a special treat , as Karen wanted to fix dinner for us . She prepared REAL chicken nuggets . Ones she prepared , rather than the ones you can pick up in the frozen isle of any grocery store . The ones she made , along with a great salad and vegetable side dish , were great . Not surprising was the fact that there were none left at the end of the meal . . . ; - ) We stayed up a little bit , after the girls went to bed and talked about all sorts of stuff , but mostly about what was going on back home . It was good to have Karen with us , even if it was only for this weekend . It felt a little like we were back in Livermore , and she even brought some wine from a couple of the local vintners . As you might guess , both bottles are now gone , and shortly there after , we were in bed . Today began with us getting up early again , only not as early this time . I went over to the gym to get a little aerobic work in and then back over to the house . Linda was making French Toast for breakfast , and I always like it when she makes French Toast . After breakfast the girls and I went to church and enjoyed the fellowship , along with Sunday School ( the girls always talk about how much fun Sunday School is ) . The only down side was that after church we came home to get ready to take Karen to the airport . She had an early afternoon flight , and from the way it looked , just about everybody else did too . The evening was very nice and relaxed . After dinner Grandma sat down with the girls ( actually Grandpa sat down with them , too ) and watched Matilda , the Disney movie from 20 years ago . It was still fun for them and a nice break for us . The girls got to bed at about 20 : 30 ( 8 : 30pm ) and my guess is we won 't be up too late either . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much going on today , as Jason only had the one appointment with PT , so from that perspective it was an easier day . We got up relatively early and had a simple breakfast of cereal . Stacy showed up at a little after 07 : 30 , and about 90 minutes later we left for Jason 's appointment . While he was in PT I decided to go take care of a few other issues , and Stacy decided she wanted to go with me this time , and for whatever reason she was full of the boundless energy most 5 year olds have , and I had a tough time keeping up with her . Fortunately , the timing of my errands and Jason 's therapy turned out to be about the same , and when we walked back into the treatment area Jason was just about ready to leave . Once we left the hospital we headed out to take care of a few more simple errands that Jason wanted to get done , and then we headed back to the house . When I got up this morning , my back was feeling much better than it did yesterday ; by the time we got back home it was beginning to feel stressed a bit , and I had to sit back down for a little while . Actually I made lunch first , then I got to sit down . I only rested for about 30 minutes and then I felt much better . I guess this is the kind of stuff I should expect - it is just all part of getting a little older I guess . Linda and Karen will be arriving sometime after I have finished and posted this blog . They left early this morning and stopped at our son David 's house , on the way down , and then again at Linda 's parents home , for dinner . I would have rather then come straight down , but I also appreciate the need to stop for rests as well as wanting to do some visiting , and the trip was a convenient way to get that accomplished . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kind of a regular day for us , though it did have its little surprises for us , along the way . It began with Anthony coming over to the house at about 05 : 10 this morning - yeah , kinda early . I had told him I would take him to the airport , as he has a business trip to go to . When I got back from the airport I decided to stay up and work on the Quick Books stuff , for Stand UP And Play , and did that until about 08 : 30 . It was almost three hours worth of organizing work , but I am glad I did , as I think it will be a little easier to keep track of what is going on . Jason had an appointment at 12 : 30 today , and then at about 08 : 30 they called and let him know it had been cancelled . He was going to have to reschedule for next week . The reason for the cancellation was not given , just that the doctor was not available . I am assuming it was sort of a family issue or the doctor , himself , was sick . Anyway , it opened a nice little opportunity for me to go for an unplanned bike ride . I didn 't want to be gone too long , so I made it kind of short . Actually , that was kind of a funnier aspect of the ride . I went on Tuesday , for a 16 . 16 mile ride and today I ended up at 16 . 16 miles , and I took a different route . Next time I go , probably Saturday , I promise it will be different from 16 . 16 . I cooled down for awhile and then cleaned up , and then Jason wanted to get out and take care of some errands and business . We made a few stops , and Stacy ( she was with us again today ) and I stayed in the van while Jason went into the stores and the bank . We got back home at about 13 : 30 ( 1 : 30pm ) and had a late lunch . While eating lunch Stacy 's tooth , which had been loose for several days , came out . She was very excited about it , as she pulled it out herself . She was talking about leaving it for the Tooth Fairy and wanting to show and share it with everybody . She was so proud to take it in to Daddy , and Jason made a bid deal out of it . The rest of the evening was a bit more relaxed , and finally dinner was left overs . I had originally planned on cooking salmon but it was still pretty frozen , so I 'll do that tomorrow . That 's probably better anyway because she and Karen Ryan should be here for dinner tomorrow . Yeah ! Linda is coming back home tomorrow and I will be very happy to see her - it has been a long 10 days . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was another day of appointments and getting a few things done , and then at the end of the day we went to a movie . We were all up at 06 : 30 , and I had my appointment at 08 : 00 , with audiology . As it turned out I have a small infection in my right ear and it needs to be seen by my primary before they can do the hearing test . I should hear back from them tomorrow , as to when I will be going in to see my primary . In the mean time I have a bit of a loss of hearing on the right side , with a constant ringing going on . Once I got back to the house , I had to get things together so that Jason could get to his first appointment , at 09 : 30 , with PT . Stacy was with us during the day , today , and she was having a great time with us . Most of the people we have to interface with know her pretty well now , so it was very enjoyable for her . The last appointment of the day was totally administrative , and basically just picking up some information about what is going on with the on going treatments and the transitions to being retired . As a reminder , Jason will be retired at the end of this month - actually on the 30th . When we came back to the house , it was close to 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) and we had not eaten any lunch yet . To say the least , Stacy was hungry , as were Jason and I . Fortunately we had gone to the store yesterday and picked up all the lunch foods that we need and it was easy to put something together quickly . Stacy ended up eating two sandwiches , just like her daddy . I had one sandwich and some cottage cheese . Before 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) Stacy was asleep on the couch , and remained that way until her mother came to pick her up . Dinner was very simple , just a bowl of soup for Jason and I , and then we went to go see the movie . . . Guardians of The Galaxy . Both of us had wanted to see it , and since I had a coupon to see the movie , with a small popcorn and drink , it was a rather inexpensive evening . What we had seen of the advertisements was very close to what we saw in the movie , and both of us enjoyed it . I would recommend it to anyone who is even slightly familiar with the story line , and even for those who are not . I did have a little trouble trying to decide if it was a Sci - Fi Action movie , or just a comedy , as it seemed to fit both . Tomorrow I will be up early , as I need to help Anthony Netto to get to the airport , so he can catch his flight . He will be here at about 05 : 15 , and then I 'll drive him the rest of the way and park his truck back over here . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning I fully intended to get up early and go out for a bike ride , but then about 10 minutes after I was up , my lower back started to " talk " to me . It was telling me that maybe a bike ride wasn 't such a good idea right now , and that perhaps a better choice was to just try to take it easy the rest of the day . I decided that I should listen to my back and didn 't go for the ride . However , taking it easy wasn 't necessarily in the cards . We have the girls right now and they require a bit of attention , along with the appointments we normally have . Actually there were only two appointments today , and one of them was a time that wasn 't going to let us miss out on all the traffic that happens when most people are getting off work . Sitting in traffic for over an hour is just no fun when your back is bothering you . I know most of you already know that , but it feels good being able to say it . When we finally got pretty close to home Jason remembered that we still needed to go to the grocery store , to pick up a few things . We finally got back home at 17 : 20 , and the girls were ready for us to be home . Of course their moods were vastly improved with the snacks that Daddy decided to buy . Every now and again he will just decide to buy something that he knows they really like , and as long as they don 't get it all the time , I 'm okay with it . Then again , he is the dad . . . I made stroganoff for dinner , for two reasons . First it is a relatively quick and easy meal to put together , and second , everybody likes it . Baths came after dinner , and that is always a good play time for both of them and then shortly after that is bed time . I think Jason like bed time best because he gets to just relax and read stories to Stacy and Jackie , and the girls enjoy it a bunch . Tomorrow is another day of excitement , with my first appointment at 08 : 00 with the VA . This time I hope it doesn 't take as long . I don 't have to go to the La Jolla VA Hospital , so it should be a little easier to get seen - just wish me luck . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Stacy was dropped off at the house this morning , at about 07 : 20 , and then I fixed some breakfast . We had Cream of Wheat , and it was pretty good . We hadn 't had any for several weeks , and I was just in the mood for it today ( so was Jason ) . After that we did some catching up of our emails while Stacy played and then we all got ready for Jason 's first appointment , over at the hospital . It was with physical therapy ( PT ) and was supposed to start at 10 : 30 . All was fine , except as we pulled into the base I became aware that I had left my wallet on the coffee table . . . OOPS ! As it turned out the guard recognized me and Jason , and Jason had his ID with him , so he still let us on . The appointment with PT was pretty normal and Stacy stayed with Jason as I went over to get a hair cut . We had given her the option of going with me or Daddy , and she chose Daddy - this made me feel good , as I like it when they want to spend more time with him . The timing was excellent because when I was done I went back over to PT and Jason was done . Actually , Stacy was having a great time and learning where some of the things were , within the PT area , including the bottled water dispenser . She showed me where to get a drink , if I was thirsty . There were a couple of other little errands we needed to take care of , and by the time we were heading back to the house it was close to 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) . Soon after arriving at the house I left again , to go to an appointment I had with the VA . It was with the " Hand Clinic " because of the trigger - finger problem I dealing with on both hands . My appointment was at 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) , and I wanted to be sure I was there before then , and I arrived with 10 minutes to spare . I checked in and sat down in the nice waiting room and sat . . . and sat . . . and two hours later I was up at the desk asking what was going on ( actually I had been up a couple times by now ) . They were really sorry , but they were backed up and I was going to be next . I told them I was sorry too , because I had to leave now so that I could go pick up Jackie . They have the worst scheduling system around , and were behind with all the other patients as well as mine . Unfortunately I don 't have a great deal of choice right now , and that is the medical care that I have to go with . They did make up another appointment for me , towards the end of the month , but at a different clinic that should be better for me - we 'll see . I picked up Jackie and we headed back tot he house . It was kind of fun picking her up today , because as I came into the yard area , where the kids were all playing she came running across the yard yelling , " Grandpa ! " and jumped up when she got to me . She was talking a mile a minute about all the excitement of the day , and also to let me know that today was her birthday . I went over to the teacher and asked why Jackie was saying it was her birthday , and the teacher had no idea . Jackie 's birthday is on August 24 , so it is about 3 weeks from now , so I don 't know what happened , but she was excited about it . I did tell her that it wasn 't her birthday yet , and she seemed to take it just fine , so we then headed home . The rest of the evening was good , and Stacy and Jackie were playing hide and seek for a while . Jackie still doesn 't have the hide concept down yet , but they still have a fun time of it . When it was bed time I had to braid the girls hair , so it wouldn 't be too tangled in the morning and then Jason and I sort of tag - teamed the reading of the stories and getting them to bed . All - in - all it was a fun evening , and to be honest , it kind of wore me down a little . . . That 's okay , I 'll sleep well tonight . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a fun and exciting day for Jason and I , as I was able to start the day off with a nice 15 mile ride , sort of a combination of a couple of my regular routes ( I have about a half dozen or so ) . MoThist of the rides begin with my heading up Rosecrans and then depending on where I feel like going I might go left , right or simply straight ahead . Today I went straight ahead , then turned around at about the 2 . 5 mile mark and rode back to the point of deciding which way to go . This time I went to the left ( which would have been right from the other direction ) and rode out to the harbor and rode the rest of that ride . It was nice , though it was far more crowded than I usually see , so I had to take a little more time than I typically do in that area . I still made the trip in about an hour , so I was happy about that . Once I was home I had to cool down and then get dressed , so I could get Jason and Gracie up to their dog training , up in Oceanside . This was also the place where Anthony Netto was going to be meeting us so that Jason and I could get out and go target shooting with the new guns . Jason has a new Beretta 9mm and also a bench rifle , that was custom built . Anthony has been working with the various shooting ranges , both civilian and military ( today we were headed to Camp Pendleton shooting range ) , to get them to expand their programs for helping the wounded warriors . Jason was using his paramobile to do the shooting and the Range Master , and other Safety personnel were all impressed with how it worked and allowed both Jason and Anthony to shoot , in a " standing " position . We spent a few hours there and went through about 150 rounds of ammunition , and I even got to shoot . We all had fun and I even managed to hit the target . The real good thing was that Jason was able to shoot with his right hand , with enough control that his accuracy was high , and then he shoot with his left hand and did well there too . Once we were done at the range we were all hungry . We hadn 't had lunch and it was now getting closer to dinner , so Anthony suggested that we stop at a restaurant that he was familiar with , and it had excellent food . The server thought we had ordered too much food , but we were all hungry , and as it turned out , two others joined us ( Angelica and Josh ) and in the end there wasn 't much food left over . On top of that Jason had himself a tall beer , and I think by the time we were done the affects of the beer was showing on him . You could see in his eyes that he was tired and just wanted to call it a day . We left and finally got back to the house by 17 : 20 ( 5 : 20pm ) , and once we were all packed / unpacked back in the house I suggested that he take his shower , otherwise he would fall asleep and get no shower . He agreed . . . The shower was quick and the dressing change was better than I expected . I thought because of how long he was up today there might be additional damage , and there wasn 't . Neither of us were hungry , and in a matter of a few minutes he was asleep . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was pretty much the normal Friday for us , except that Linda isn 't here and this is a Friday that " normally " would have Stacy with her mom - she 's with us during most of the day and Jackie is at her day care . Anyway , Jason had a couple of appointments , and on top of that we needed to get Mr . Jingles out of the house , and over to Gunny Parker , who will be taking care of him over the weekend . What happened was that we found some insect invaders in the house , and requested that it get sprayed , and they said ALL animals had to be removed from the house for about four hours . The house was sprayed and we hope that all is well now . His appointments were with PT and with Urology , as well as picking up some med from the pharmacy , and then I wanted to get down to the ASYMCA . Cherri , of the Y , offered to purchase some needed items for Jason , and I wanted to get the correct information to her . Unfortunately , it took me a few days to get this to her , and when we did finally get there today we found out that she was out on vacation . I left the information for when she returns , so it really wasn 't a loss , just a slight delay . Afterward , Jason wanted to get down to So Cal Gun Shop , where he wanted to pick up a hand gun he had purchased a couple of weeks ago ( there is a waiting period before he could be given the gun ) . Anyway he was pretty excited , and we are going to go try it out tomorrow . We will be heading out with Anthony Netto , and going out to the range . Being able to shot again is very important to Jason . He is concerned that he won 't be able to shoot with his right hand , and will have to learn shooting with the left . This is simply something we will have to wait and see what happens . This will also be the first time in years , for me to handle a gun , so I 'm interested in how well I do . Heck , I 'll be happy to just hit a target . . . ; - ) We got home and Stacy was kind of tired , so she laid down and went to sleep , until her mom came to pick her up . I carried her out to the car and told her we 'll see her again on Monday . The rest of the evening it was just Jason and I , and we simply had soup for dinner . Neither of us were particularly hungry so it was easy . Linda is still in San Francisco , and will be there a couple more days , then move on to Livermore . She is having a great time and I suspect that it will continue to be a good time , so that is a good thing . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
Yesterday and today were pretty much laid back days for Jason , though we did go to Costco for a little shopping , today . Jason is attempting to get more " down " time to allow for more healing of his open wounds , and from the way they looked today I 'd have to say that there is some good from this strategy . We 're looking for laser treatment in September , and that should help brings back under control , so we are all looking for a positive out look for this treatment . On another note , and probably why I should have posted yesterday , Jason is now a civilian again . He officially retired as of about noon yesterday . He is now a retired Marine and will be enjoying all the benefits associated with that situation . Fortunately , because he is retired and the situation of his retirement , he is allowed to continue most of his medical needs with the hospital at Balboa . We have begun the process of getting his records being fully tracked by the VA now , and his pay to be coming from the VA , however we understand that it can take months before both are completed . Yes , we have been working some of this for months already , but a large portion of it can not get fully going until after he retires . Let 's hope that the " front " work we did helps to get things moving more quickly . Tomorrow is Labor Day , and we plan on just staying around the house - though there is talk of going to the zoo , and we think the girls will be happy about that . They should be here at the house around 08 : 00 . Other than that we expect a nice relaxed day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to write about today , with regard to Jason 's healing and wound care activities . He is doing well and he went to physical therapy this morning , he filled , or I should say refilled some of his prescriptions and then we head on back home . Actually , there was a stop at Navy Fed Credit Union for a personal errand , and then another one at the housing office over here by the house . Because it is so close to the house he asked me to just drop him and Gracie off , and he would walk her home when he was finished . On his way back to the house he stopped by our mail box and picked up the mail , and then he was home . By now is was after 12 : 00 and all of us were hungry , so I wanted to put something together quickly . I grabbed the bread and peanut butter and started to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when Jason asked , " Have you ever had peanut butter and honey ? " I had to admit that I had not , and thought the idea was interesting . I told Jason we did have some honey , and I 'd be happy to make him one ( I still wanted my PB & J - We have strawberry preserves , my favorite ) . That was pretty much lunch for the two of us , as Linda is sticking with her diet and doing an outstanding job of not wavering from it . There were a few more errands that had to be taken care of , like going to the bank and post office , as well as some clean up around the house , but otherwise we didn 't do much else . I did go and pick up the girls from school today ( about 15 : 00 ) , and that was sort of last minute , but that was fine by me . Their mom , who would have normally picked them up , was unable to today and asked Jason if we could do it for her . She came by the house a little later ( I think about 16 : 30 ) . Like I said , not much else going on , and we just relaxed and worked on a few things at the house . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was one of those days where Jason did not have any appointments and spent most of the day in bed . I wish he would spend more time in bed , to allow the wounds to heal , but he is that kind of guy who wants to get out and take care of things . He recognizes that he needs to let his body heal , yet he also wants to get out and do things , like most of us . Anyway , he took time to clean some of the equipment he has and to just play a little with Gracie . The rest of the day was in bed . I got up and went for a nice bike ride . It wasn 't too long , as I am still trying to build up to that , and Linda wanted to do a few things that required my involvement . I also was able to put some time in on Stand Up and Play , and the Quick Books work that I am doing for them . The fun part is that I am continually learning new things and still finding out QB can be used . This evening Linda and I went over to see our cats , and they are doing great . Glenn , Anne and their son , Nick are doing a great job of being a foster family for Pumpkin and Candy ( the cats ) , and we feel lucky to have connected with them . They also have a son , Nick , who is also in Scouting . He has reached the rank of Eagle Scout , and is having his Court of Honor , early next week . We have been invited to this event , and Jason is looking forward to going . It will be good to get in to a setting of a bunch of Scouters having a good time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was what you would call a RED Letter day for Jason , as there was a bunch to get done and generally a very busy day for all of us . The girls were up early , and actually Stacy came up and made sure we were awake by 06 : 30 . The past couple of days we 've had to go down and get her up , closer to 07 : 00 , so today was particularly nice . Both Jackie and Stacy were up and ready to head out to school , by 07 : 40 , and Linda and Jason were ready to get them there . Linda was doing what I would normally be doing because I had my own appointment with the VA , at 08 : 00 . Right after dropping the girls off Jason was off to his first appointment , and this is where it really gets good . Jason 's first appointment was with the DMV , and Linda had to get him over to the Scripts Vehicle Training Center , so that he could take the driving assessment in their vehicle ( The DMV wants those who are testing to take the test in their vehicle - and Jason was totally fine with that ) . Jason took the test and passed with a score of 100 % , and then again , what else would you expect from him . The driving test took about 30 minutes or so , and Gracie was so very happy to see him when he got back . Linda was holding on to Gracie during the test and she basically whined the entire time Jason was gone ( Gracie did , not Linda ) . There were a couple of other appointments for Jason , thought in comparison , not as important . With the passing of this event , Jason can now officially get his truck and drive himself around town . I suspect that it will still be a little while before he does much driving , but I expect him to build up to longer drive times , quickly enough . We all got back to the house at about the same time , this afternoon and we had a nice little lunch together . I had a couple of appointments also , and both of them worked out fine . The only down side is the amount of time I have to extend with the VA , sometimes . The head of the section where I went to did apologize to me and gave me a different number to call , if I need to come back in . This is supposed to help with getting me in sooner , so I 'll see how it works . The rest of the day was pretty relaxed , and Linda and I even had our date - night time together . We went to go see the new James Brown movie " Get on Up " , and found it to be very enjoyable . There were some things left out about his life , and you did walk away with some questions , but then if it had all the information it would have taken twice as long to watch it . I would recommend that anyone who is interested in that era of music , and especially James Brown fans , go and watch it . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The girls got off to school this morning , and it was actually quite a nice morning . No delays or scrambling around to find lost items or shoes , and breakfast was easy and quick ( they had multi - grain Cheerios ) . Right after getting back to the house I went and double checked with Jason , on his appointments , as well as other things he might want to do , and I was clear until 11 : 15 , when we needed to be over at the Sharps Institute where Jason was to complete his final driver training . This meant that I had about 2 1 / 2 hours and time to get out on my bike . More specifically it meant a 15 to 16 mile ride , and that is what I did . I got back from the ride ( 16 miles ) and cooled down and cleaned up , and got ready to go . Jason and I went over to the Sharps and within about 30 minutes he was behind the wheel and ready to head out on his last " training " session , so that tomorrow he can do the DMV version . Once he has that out of the way he will be able to finally get into his OWN truck , and start driving himself whenever he needs to go somewhere . This will be a level of freedom for Jason that he has been looking forward to for almost two years now . The session went off without a hitch . . . sort of . . . When we got to Sharps they had the controls moved over to the right side , so that Jason could get a feel for what that was like . When he gets his truck the controls will be on the right side . As it turned out , the moving of the controls from the left to the right isn 't quite as simple a move as one might think . They drove for a few miles and Jason was having to cross over on some of his moves , and that was too big of an issue to continue , so they stopped and Penny ( the drive instructor ) moved the controls back over to the left , where they were designed to be , just as the ones in the truck will be designed for the right side , and thus the same problems / challenges won 't be encountered . Anyway , with the controls where they should be the drive was completed , and Jason did just fine . When they go to the DMV tomorrow , he will be driving that same Sharps van - one of the requirements from the DMV , not sure why . The rest of the day was again , quiet and the girls were back from school and excited , again , to tell us about all that happened . I am glad they both seem to like school so much , right now , as it will make it easier as the classes get more difficult . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . First day of school for the girls , and it was chaos . . . Well , maybe not chaos , just very exciting . We got up at a little after 06 : 00 this morning , and had the girls up a little bit later . Even with the idea that the first day of school was awaiting them , they still didn 't want to get up . We finally did get them up and dressed , and both of them looked great , as well as excited to be heading off to a new adventure . We walked to school , as we do live very close , and the number of vehicles attempting to get on to the grounds was higher than usual . We already are familiar with the class room where Jackie is now going , as well as the teacher ; the big challenge was finding Stacy 's class room . We had to walk all of about 30 feet to find the door . Then , as you enter the door , her name was on the desk where she will be sitting . We got to meet some of the other parents , and Stacy got to meet some of the other students , briefly , then we were out of the room and socializing outside . The students and teachers all stayed in the class rooms and the adults all gathered around a table that had bagels and coffee . I don 't drink coffee and Jason does only rarely , so we didn 't really stay too long . Jason did get to meet some of the other parents and that was good , as well as got his name on the contact roster for the parent association . After that , we simply walked home . The next on the agenda was Jason 's appointment back at Balboa . He had an appointment with PT , and then we came back home . Since it was still relatively early I decided to go for a bike ride . I only planned on going for a short ride and told Linda I would be back in an hour . I took off and planned on riding out to Mission Bay , and then saw that the road was being worked on , and the bike lane was closed . I decided to turn around and headed back , and still managed to get in a little over 11 miles . The rest of the day was spent taking care of errands and doing some clean up . We need to start planning on how we are going to reorganize the garage , and off - site storage . We still have too much stuff , and not enough room , but that 's pretty much normal for most houses . The day wore down to the evening and then after dinner ( I grilled some steaks for Jason and I and hot dogs for the girls . Linda fixed her own dinner and is being very good about her diet ) , we just relaxed . Tomorrow Jason will be going to his final driver training , and then I think Wednesday or Thursday he will be testing with the DMV to get his approval for driving a specialized vehicle . I think he is very ready to be out on his own , and I am looking forward to this . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is Jackie 's birthday , and she turned 4 years old ! We had the party for her yesterday , and we kept it kind of small , with just family attending . Jason 's older brother David , came down with his two boys , Dylan and Ethan , to help with the celebrating . The cousins all get along very well and they played together , both outside and inside . I was able to get some pictures taken this time , so I hope you enjoy them . Nana and Tata also came ( that 's Linda 's parents , so that makes them Jackie 's Great Grand Parents ) . The visitors all stayed for lunch and for a little bit a resting period , before having to take of to get back home . Both Nana and Tata , and David and his sons , live north of here , so they all had to endure some traffic going home . Because it was Saturday , I am hoping it wasn 't too bad . Jackie is like most 4 - year olds and was pretty excited to see all the people and all the gifts , especially since they were for her . The funny part is that as she opened one , she was ready to stop to go off and play with that gift , in her hand . We had to keep getting her to focus on the other packages . Stacy did pretty good too , considering that most of the stuff was for Jackie , and she only received a couple of things . David ( and Miriam , his wife , who wasn 't able to attend ) gave both girls rain boots , with Hello Kitty on them . It wasn 't all they gave , but it was the best thing , as far as Stacy and Jackie were concerned . They wore the boots most of the rest of the day , yesterday , and then again most of the day , today . From Nana and Tata they received a couple of hula - hoops and those went over big . It was kind of funny watching the girls try to use them while wearing the rubber rain boots . Today we went to church in the morning and as soon as we got back home they both put their boots on and had a great day . I think Jackie was actually kind of confused with the party yesterday , and then today she was being told it was her birthday . We really didn 't do much else today , other than finished with some clean up , and a friend of Jason came over , Gary K . , for a short visit , as well as to give gifts to both the girls . Tomorrow is first day of school , for the new year , and they are both going to the same school this year , though Jackie is in Pre - K . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today has been an interesting day , and a busy one . Jason decided that he wanted to get his retirement photo ID done today , so we went over to building 26 to get it done . When we arrived there was a line of folks already there , as well as a few others who had made appointments . My guess is that Jason didn 't think it was going to take too long , and so we waited . What happened , as a result , was that his PT appointment was missed , and he really doesn 't like to miss appointments . He did end up finally getting his ID created , and this time he had all the correct forms , and they were correctly filled out . Last time he went there his copy of his DD214 was incorrect and we had to get back to Pendleton to get it fixed ( that was in a blog a few days ago ) . After receiving his new ID we headed over to the PT area , so he could apologize to Dawn , and reassure the other appointments would be kept . It was also a good time to stop , because we got to meet up with a few people we hadn 't seen in a few weeks , and it nice to catch up . We left Balboa and decided to head over to the Ability Center , where they are doing both Jason 's truck and his van . Both of them are moving along nicely , and the van should be ready by the end of next week , which would put it on the day before his last day as an active duty Marine . He official retirement date is August 30 , and that is one week from tomorrow , Saturday . The truck would probably be ready the following week . He still has to do his DMV driving test , and that takes place next week , and then he will be able to get his truck and van . The Van is a gift from The Gary Sinise Foundation and The Wounded Warrior Family Support organization , and the Truck is a gift from The Nice Guys and The Semper Fi Foundation . Also , both of them were helped with money from the VA , and all of the groups working together made it possible for the vehicles to become reality . The rest of the day was doing a few things to get ready for Jackie 's fourth birthday party . She actually turns four ( 4 ) on Sunday , but it seemed to work better to have her party on Saturday . I be sure to post some photos this time , and see how well I do with the camera . We 're not expecting too many people , with just a few family members coming , and that should actually be a good thing for her party . She enjoys playing with her cousins , and we hope they all have a great time . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . For the past couple of years , now , we have pretty much been using a loaner van , to help with Jason 's transportation needs . There was the other van that was recently given to us , that since then has been donated to Father Joe 's Home , and we are now waiting on another van that is being " built " to help Jason , and the rest of us be able to get around like a family . Well , the van that we are borrowing , from Semper Fi and Rollx is a relatively new van , and in this particular case , we have put most of the miles on it . Over the coarse of a couple of years it has needed service and today was one of those days . I got up early and packed my bike into the van , and drove to the dealership , where the service was to be performed . The idea being that I was to ride my bike home , and then turn around and ride it back to pick it back up ( total ride would be just over 15 miles , with one very challenging hill ) . Anyway , I took it in to the service , at Hacienda Chrysler / Dodge and everything looked great for being coordinated . I had made the appointment , so they were expecting me . Then , for whatever reason , a different service person took this particular job , and things got a little shaky . In the past Patricia was the service person who dealt with the Semper Fi vehicles and she was very aware of all the particulars of how it was handled . Joey , the new guy , apparently didn 't have any of the required knowledge and it took nearly half a day just to get that corrected , and since new tires were involved ( 4 of them ) it was a larger expense than just an oil change . I did drop off the van , and rode my bike home , then after a number of phone calls , back and forth between the Marines , me and the dealership , and a few hours of elapsed time , I did not ride my bike back . In fact , the van was now not going to be ready until 17 : 00 ( 5pm ) at the soonest . Originally it was supposed to be no later than 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) . When I did finally get the van back , it was after 17 : 30 ( 5 : 30pm ) , and I still have to take it back in to finish the alignment . The mechanics there are quite good , and they showed they wanted to get the job done right . It is the front end that had the problems , and they blamed it on being short handed and very busy . If they are short handed then they shouldn 't be promising times to customers that can 't be delivered . Setting expectations is the most important thing they can do , and in this case it was badly handled . Anyway , the front end work will be done early next week , when I again have time to get it in . The rest of the day was quiet and Jason actually spent most of the day in bed . There is an early appointment in the morning ( the reason I needed the van back ) , and we will be getting the girls back tomorrow . We 're going into the weekend prior to the beginning of a new school year , so we 're expecting a bunch of excitement . The other big thing , this weekend is Jackie 's birthday ; she will be turning 4 years old . These past four years have been so fast , and so full of events ; it just keeps our heads spinning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not a great deal going on today . Jason had a couple of appointments and that was pretty much it . We did get a chance meeting with Dr . Shumaker , and that was fortunate . He is the doctor who is able to do some of the laser treatment that has really benefited Jason , each time it happens . While talking with the doctor we were able to tentatively establish the next treatment , and we 're hoping that it provides that little " push " that is needed for the wounds to finally heal . We 'll be speaking with his scheduler on Friday , and set up the specific date / time for the treatment , and it is very likely to happen in early September . The other two appointments were with PT , where Dawn was able to work her magic on Jason 's shoulders , and he was feeling much better after ; and , then we went on to Wound Care , where they showed me something new , that should help as well . All - in - all it was a good day for a visit to the hospital , despite the pharmacy slow down . Something happened to their system and all prescriptions got backed up , thus causing a much longer wait time than we usually experience . The girls will be gone until Friday , and that 's okay , because that provides us with a little time to prepare for the first day of school , on this coming Monday . Jason is pretty excited about being able to take the girls to their first day of school , and this time Stacy will be entering Kindergarten . Both she and Jackie are pretty excited as well , and so are Grandma and Grandpa . . . ; - ) Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report on today , as we spent most of the day at home . We had our little errands to do , such as taking the girls to different places and going to the grocery store ( needed to pick up a couple of lemons ) , but otherwise it was a quite day . Jason is doing well , as are the rest of us and we 're just moving along in a nice easy way . Tomorrow we hope to hear if they ( the folks who take care of the housing we 're currently in ) are going to be fixing the shower soon . Right now , every time Jason takes a shower there is water all over the floor , and it is due to the fact that he has to drive his wheel chair right up to the shower , and the weight of the chair has broken down the flooring adhesive . It is something they are familiar with and have had to fix in a few other houses , and fortunately for us , they have run into a number of issues with those other houses . We should be able to just get the work done and then Jason will have a good shower again . Tomorrow is another quiet day , and it looks as though Jason only has a couple of appointments , so we should be back to the house by late morning . This works fine for me , as it could still provide me a chance to get out on the bike and get some exercise . I 'll just have to wait to see how the day plays out . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was very calm and even the weather was pretty nice . Jason only had an appointment with the folks over at Sharps , where they do the driver qualification . His appointment was at 08 : 30 , so we needed to get out of the house early , or at least we thought we did . We got up at 06 : 30 and were ready to go at about 07 : 40 , and Sharps is about 15 minutes away , on a traffic friendly day . As it turned out , it was a very friendly kind of traffic day , and we got there before 08 : 00 . We actually arrived before his " tester " person showed up , and when she did , she immediately came over to say , " Hello . " She was the same tester that Jason worked with last time , so at least there is that level of familiarity . This time I didn 't ride along with them . Gracie and I stayed back at the van and just chilled for about an hour . I am still fighting a cold and the idea of just relaxing was kind of appealing . When they did complete the drive and " test " there was no parking left , and I found that kind of humorous . I guess they 're going through an expansion right now , and some of the parking has been taken away , due to the construction . When they 're finished there should be adequate parking available . Anyway , the test drive was good and Jason did just as well as he did last time . The form will be sent to the DMV for processing and when that has happened they are to contact Jason again , and then he should be very close to being able to get his own vehicle . Another four to six weeks will have it all done . The rest of the day was quiet . Linda and Stacy were having a good time around the house . They also went to the library for a visit ( a couple of hours ) , and Stacy was very happy about that . She loves the library and we are totally okay with that . Linda and I went to go pick up Jackie , a little later in the afternoon , and Jackie was happy to see us both come in to her room . She is starting to develop a little faster now and she is at a good place for moving to her new preschool . That actually begins next Monday , along with Stacy 's beginning with kindergarten . Exciting days are ahead for sure . No appointments for us tomorrow so I am going to attempt to get a bike ride in , as long as I 'm feeling up to it . Then , I 'll see about getting a few other things out of the way . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday was a pretty good day for Jason and all the Ross family , here in San Diego . We got up , not too early , but still early enough . We headed out to take Gracie and Jason to their service - dog training , though Linda chose to stay back at the house . I think she was more in the mood to go do some shopping and taking care of a few things on the home front . The training was good - while they trained I stayed back in the van and either read or just relaxed , until Jason came back . Once back in the van we headed over to Anthony Netto 's place , where we were to meet up and then go on to some target practice . Jason bought a new scope set up for his rifle , and he wanted to see if he could get it zeroed in . As it turned out , it was a little more of a challenge than he originally thought . It is one of those higher end scopes and as a result it is a little delicate in the tuning . While he was doing that , Anthony and I were basically having a good time with his rifle , and I even managed to hit the target a few times , near the bull 's eye . After about three and a half ( 3 1 / 2 ) hours of shooting we all began to realize that we were hungry , and we hadn 't even picked up a pistol . Actually Anthony and Jason did all the pistol shooting and when I was asked if I 'd like to shoot I simply said , " No , I 'm just hungry right now . " At that point we just kind of stopped and said enough for the day and headed off to get some food . Prior to leaving we called Linda and let her know what we were doing and she informed us about a messed up I8 , due to a major traffic accident , that involved about 5 vehicles . Fortunately , it hadn 't impacted where we were , by too much , so we finally did get something to eat . The drive home was much easier than we thought was going to be , and by the time we had made it home we were both getting pretty tired . Being out in the sun , as long as we were is very draining on the body , and I am just not as young as I used to be . Actually , both Anthony and Jason were teasing me about wearing so much sun block , but it paid off ; I had little sun burn to deal with , and both of them had signs , though not much . And that was pretty much yesterday . Today is Linda 's birthday , and she turned 21 ! Okay maybe a little older than that , but she can still act like she 's 21 sometimes . As I said , Jason and I were feeling the affects of the sun , from yesterday and this morning I didn 't wake up until 07 : 30 , and that is a lot later than I usually do . On top of that I 'm fighting a bit of a cold , and that also tends to make you want to sleep a bit more . Linda woke a little after that and we talked for a little while and then I guess I just sort of closed my eyes and when I opened them again it was nearly 10 : 00 . Linda told me I had been snoring , so I guess I fell back asleep , and didn 't even know it . We finally got up a bit later and I fixed breakfast , which was more like lunch now . Even Jason had been sleeping a bunch more than usual , so he wasn 't bothered at all by the schedule shift . Not much else went down today , and Linda got to enjoy a very nice and relaxed birthday . She wanted me to cook some kab - bobs so I did , and they came out great . We finished the day off with watching a video and just relaxing and enjoying each other 's company . There was no birthday cake , we ate an apple pie with ice cream , instead , and we enjoyed it . We 're ready for the new week , and look forward to all the challenges it just might bring , and will keep you all posted on what generally happens . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning started with me going to the gym at about 06 : 30 , do get a little cardio workout going . The reason for the early start was that I knew I wasn 't going to be able to get a ride in , this morning , so the gym was the next best thing . Actually , I could have gone for a ride a little later in the day , but due to the fact that it was over 90 again , I didn 't want to get out and bake myself on the bike . Heck , even when walking over to the gym , as early as it was , it was very warm already . Anyway , it was a good work out / run - walk , and when I got back to the house I found that Linda wasn 't feeling very good . I told her to stay in bed and I 'd take care of things down stairs . Jason and I did leave the house as about 09 : 00 , and headed over to physical therapy . This was the only appointment that he had , and then while that was going on I went over to pick up his prescription . The nice thing about being here , as long as we have , is that the folks there know both of us so we actually get very fast service . The fact that they weren 't too busy helped too , I think . We headed back home , then Jason said he wanted to go over to the Marine Corp Recruit Depot ( MCRD ) , so he could go to the uniform store to pick up a couple things . He wants to make some changes to Gracie 's vest , and it is the closest source of what he needs . We got to their shopping area and walked over to the store entrance . The uniform store is upstairs so we head to the elevator and there is a sign on it - " Out of Service . " There is only the one elevator so that means no getting to the store . As you might imagine , this irritates Jason a bit , but not really a bunch he can do , so we leave . He decides he will just have to wait to make the changes . The rest of the day was laid back and relaxed . It seems I 've caught a cold , but it isn 't too bad right now . Both of the girls have the sniffles so I am guessing it came from Jackie , who picked it up at the day care . One of those things in life that just seem to follow you around . Tomorrow we will be heading out to the training class for Jason and Gracie , and then seeing whatever else the day might bring . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday I wrote about having to get up to Pendleton , to take care of some paperwork . The paperwork was actually quite important , and had a significant bearing on how Jason 's retirement was going to be , once he was totally retired from the Marines ( something that will happen on the 30th of this month ) . The drive to Camp Pendleton actually took more time than it did to get the issue corrected . Both Jason and I were totally surprised at how seamless and easy it was to get it done . . . not to mention how happy we were . The effort was so simple and quick that we decided to get over to the Exchange , on base , and Jason did a little shopping for Jackie 's birthday , coming up on the 24th . We looked at a number of different things , also , while we were there , and about the only down part of the entire trip was the drive home . Traffic was pretty bad , and I think it was due to traffic breaks . I only say that because I have seen it happen , more than once , while driving on the I5 , between Los Angeles and San Diego . The rest of the day was relatively quiet . Actually , the very first thing I did this morning was to go for a bike ride , though it was only for an hour . Once I had cooled down and I had my shower out of the way , we took off for Camp Pendleton . When we arrived back at the house Linda and Stacy had already taken off . Linda wanted to share some " girl " time with Stacy , and I think Stacy liked the idea . Linda took her to one of the pizza places , close by , and then to do a few other things . They got back to the house by about 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) and right after that Stacy wanted to just lay down and rest . I think Linda did too , so I let them both relax for a little while , while I did a few other things . Not much else happened today , though Jason did take some time out to look at an on - line course for how to load your own ammunition . He hopes to get more into target shooting , and loading / making your own ammo is probably one of the best ways to save money doing it . We were talking about possibly doing some shooting this weekend , so I 'll just have to wait and see how things play out for him . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much of a busy day , just a day for getting some things done . Even when we went into Wound Care it was kind of uneventful , and that 's the way we like it . Tomorrow Jason and I will be headed up to Camp Pendleton , to take care of the paperwork mess up , and we hope it really doesn 't take too long . , otherwise we will end up being up there at commute time and then having to drive home in that traffic . Then that 's tomorrow , and I 'm not going to worry about that right now . The rest of the day was just putting up some pictures around the house , and a large framed Drew Brees jersey from when he played in the 2007 All Stars NFL Game . It was mounted by Way Up Art and Frame in Livermore , and they did an excellent job . The backyard was also cleaned up and looks much better now , and should still be in good shape for Jackie 's birthday party in about 10 days . Linda and I did have our date - night , and watched a video of Willow , which we hadn 't seen in quite a while . We didn 't feel like going to the movies so I just made popcorn and we watched the movie . It was a nice relaxed ending to a relaxed day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another day , that began , much like many of the others , with a trip to Balboa , to get some things done , only this time we brought both the girls with us . Linda actually stayed back at the house , because we had some of the maintenance guys coming over , and didn 't know when they 'd be there . Anyway , the big chore today was to get new ID 's made for Stacy and Jackie , and a new ID for Jason , who is soon to be retired . Most of the guys do this on their last , or almost last day , but Jason wanted to get it done , and he had some time to do it . We walked into the waiting area and Jason signed in . We sat down and waited for our turn , which looked like it was going to be a while ( about 10 people there ahead of us ) . While waiting Jason shifted into Daddy mode and began playing games with the girls . Funny thing is , the one game they seemed to like the best was the one where the person who sat still the longest was the winner . This went on for nearly 30 minutes , and I was totally impressed . With that behind us Jason 's name was called and we went up to the desk of the man who was to help out . He looked at the paperwork ; he asked a few questions of Jason ; and , then asked to see his DD - 214 page ( This is a discharge document that everybody who is in the military receives when they exit - I have one , my dad had one , and so on ) . Only thing is , the information on Jason 's copy was wrong in one very important area . It indicated that he was being medically released , and the correct thing should say he is being medically retired . There is a BIG difference in those two things , so now it has to be corrected . What that means is that Jason has to now go back around to some of the same folks he went to , a few months ago , and get things changed so that it reflects the real situation . This could be a lot of work for Jason , though it also might be taken care of in a relatively short manner . The good aspect with Jason going to get his ID , is that he still has a couple of weeks to get things corrected , and he is still active duty . It he had not gotten to this until after getting out , it would have been all kinds of challenges , and might have taken more than a year to correct . Anyway , we are headed up to Pendleton tomorrow to begin working on the correction . The rest of the day was pretty easy , after that . I did make a run out to Costco , and spent a couple hundred of Jason 's dollars . Actually , Jason and I went together , and it was probably one of the few times that we have been to Costco , together , without anyone else coming with us . Dinner was left overs again , and I was happy about that . I don 't like building up a bunch of good food in the refrigerator , just to let it go bad . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . After breakfast , we soon got ready to head off to the hospital campus , where Jason had his first appointment with Physical Therapy ( PT ) . Jackie went with us to the base , as that is where her Child Development Center ( CDC ) is also . She is always so excited about going there , and that makes us very happy . The funny thing is that when we come to pick her up she is just as excited to see us . Jason had his first appointment with PT , over at the C5 clinic . On the way over there were a couple of people he knew from Bethesda walking through the halls . Both of them were doing well , and their wounds were completely healed up . They were now out here , where they have retired and occasionally come in to Balboa for specific treatment . As a result of these social encounters , Jason was almost late for his appointment . Well , I guess I should say he thought he was almost late . We arrived at about 10 minutes to 10 : 00 , when he thought his appointment was . Actually , his appointment was for 10 : 30 , so we were very early , and I had to smile at the hurried look on his face . The appointment went well and Jackie , the therapist did an excellent job on Jason 's shoulder . Jason had one other person to see , and that was a very quick meeting . It was simply to get a shot and then we were out of there . We headed back to the house , and got there before noon . We basically just got settled in when Linda and Stacy came walking in . Linda had taken Stacy to the library and she picked up another 10 books . She loves to get new books for us to read to her . She will have the books read to her so many times that she nearly memorizes them and then starts to recognize some of the words for herself . I guess this is one of the ways kids learn to read . This plus what Linda has been doing with her will help her move along quickly after she enters kindergarten in a couple of weeks . Yep , school starts soon , and this year both girls will be going to the same school . The rest of the day was relaxed , with me going to pick up Jackie and then a little later , after dropping her off at the house , I went to the store . Tomorrow there are no appointments , though we have a number of things we want to accomplish . I was talking with Jason and told him I wanted to get an early bike ride in , and he wants to head over to the gym in the morning . I have a list of about 12 things I would like to get done , and so just maybe I will be able to do it . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Yesterday was a good day for all of us , here in San Diego ; my back was feeling much better and the weather was excellent . We didn 't have anywhere special to go , and we were able to get most of our chores done , play with the girls and even have time to fix a nice dinner . Grandma ( Linda ) had gotten home late last night and this morning the girls were both up early , and in the room to wake Grandma and Grandpa . My back was feeling much better and we were all at home again . On top of that , Karen Ryan was visiting , as she helped Linda drive back down from Livermore . Yesterday evening was a special treat , as Karen wanted to fix dinner for us . She prepared REAL chicken nuggets . Ones she prepared , rather than the ones you can pick up in the frozen isle of any grocery store . The ones she made , along with a great salad and vegetable side dish , were great . Not surprising was the fact that there were none left at the end of the meal . . . ; - ) We stayed up a little bit , after the girls went to bed and talked about all sorts of stuff , but mostly about what was going on back home . It was good to have Karen with us , even if it was only for this weekend . It felt a little like we were back in Livermore , and she even brought some wine from a couple of the local vintners . As you might guess , both bottles are now gone , and shortly there after , we were in bed . Today began with us getting up early again , only not as early this time . I went over to the gym to get a little aerobic work in and then back over to the house . Linda was making French Toast for breakfast , and I always like it when she makes French Toast . After breakfast the girls and I went to church and enjoyed the fellowship , along with Sunday School ( the girls always talk about how much fun Sunday School is ) . The only down side was that after church we came home to get ready to take Karen to the airport . She had an early afternoon flight , and from the way it looked , just about everybody else did too . The evening was very nice and relaxed . After dinner Grandma sat down with the girls ( actually Grandpa sat down with them , too ) and watched Matilda , the Disney movie from 20 years ago . It was still fun for them and a nice break for us . The girls got to bed at about 20 : 30 ( 8 : 30pm ) and my guess is we won 't be up too late either . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much going on today , as Jason only had the one appointment with PT , so from that perspective it was an easier day . We got up relatively early and had a simple breakfast of cereal . Stacy showed up at a little after 07 : 30 , and about 90 minutes later we left for Jason 's appointment . While he was in PT I decided to go take care of a few other issues , and Stacy decided she wanted to go with me this time , and for whatever reason she was full of the boundless energy most 5 year olds have , and I had a tough time keeping up with her . Fortunately , the timing of my errands and Jason 's therapy turned out to be about the same , and when we walked back into the treatment area Jason was just about ready to leave . Once we left the hospital we headed out to take care of a few more simple errands that Jason wanted to get done , and then we headed back to the house . When I got up this morning , my back was feeling much better than it did yesterday ; by the time we got back home it was beginning to feel stressed a bit , and I had to sit back down for a little while . Actually I made lunch first , then I got to sit down . I only rested for about 30 minutes and then I felt much better . I guess this is the kind of stuff I should expect - it is just all part of getting a little older I guess . Linda and Karen will be arriving sometime after I have finished and posted this blog . They left early this morning and stopped at our son David 's house , on the way down , and then again at Linda 's parents home , for dinner . I would have rather then come straight down , but I also appreciate the need to stop for rests as well as wanting to do some visiting , and the trip was a convenient way to get that accomplished . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kind of a regular day for us , though it did have its little surprises for us , along the way . It began with Anthony coming over to the house at about 05 : 10 this morning - yeah , kinda early . I had told him I would take him to the airport , as he has a business trip to go to . When I got back from the airport I decided to stay up and work on the Quick Books stuff , for Stand UP And Play , and did that until about 08 : 30 . It was almost three hours worth of organizing work , but I am glad I did , as I think it will be a little easier to keep track of what is going on . Jason had an appointment at 12 : 30 today , and then at about 08 : 30 they called and let him know it had been cancelled . He was going to have to reschedule for next week . The reason for the cancellation was not given , just that the doctor was not available . I am assuming it was sort of a family issue or the doctor , himself , was sick . Anyway , it opened a nice little opportunity for me to go for an unplanned bike ride . I didn 't want to be gone too long , so I made it kind of short . Actually , that was kind of a funnier aspect of the ride . I went on Tuesday , for a 16 . 16 mile ride and today I ended up at 16 . 16 miles , and I took a different route . Next time I go , probably Saturday , I promise it will be different from 16 . 16 . I cooled down for awhile and then cleaned up , and then Jason wanted to get out and take care of some errands and business . We made a few stops , and Stacy ( she was with us again today ) and I stayed in the van while Jason went into the stores and the bank . We got back home at about 13 : 30 ( 1 : 30pm ) and had a late lunch . While eating lunch Stacy 's tooth , which had been loose for several days , came out . She was very excited about it , as she pulled it out herself . She was talking about leaving it for the Tooth Fairy and wanting to show and share it with everybody . She was so proud to take it in to Daddy , and Jason made a bid deal out of it . The rest of the evening was a bit more relaxed , and finally dinner was left overs . I had originally planned on cooking salmon but it was still pretty frozen , so I 'll do that tomorrow . That 's probably better anyway because she and Karen Ryan should be here for dinner tomorrow . Yeah ! Linda is coming back home tomorrow and I will be very happy to see her - it has been a long 10 days . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was another day of appointments and getting a few things done , and then at the end of the day we went to a movie . We were all up at 06 : 30 , and I had my appointment at 08 : 00 , with audiology . As it turned out I have a small infection in my right ear and it needs to be seen by my primary before they can do the hearing test . I should hear back from them tomorrow , as to when I will be going in to see my primary . In the mean time I have a bit of a loss of hearing on the right side , with a constant ringing going on . Once I got back to the house , I had to get things together so that Jason could get to his first appointment , at 09 : 30 , with PT . Stacy was with us during the day , today , and she was having a great time with us . Most of the people we have to interface with know her pretty well now , so it was very enjoyable for her . The last appointment of the day was totally administrative , and basically just picking up some information about what is going on with the on going treatments and the transitions to being retired . As a reminder , Jason will be retired at the end of this month - actually on the 30th . When we came back to the house , it was close to 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) and we had not eaten any lunch yet . To say the least , Stacy was hungry , as were Jason and I . Fortunately we had gone to the store yesterday and picked up all the lunch foods that we need and it was easy to put something together quickly . Stacy ended up eating two sandwiches , just like her daddy . I had one sandwich and some cottage cheese . Before 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) Stacy was asleep on the couch , and remained that way until her mother came to pick her up . Dinner was very simple , just a bowl of soup for Jason and I , and then we went to go see the movie . . . Guardians of The Galaxy . Both of us had wanted to see it , and since I had a coupon to see the movie , with a small popcorn and drink , it was a rather inexpensive evening . What we had seen of the advertisements was very close to what we saw in the movie , and both of us enjoyed it . I would recommend it to anyone who is even slightly familiar with the story line , and even for those who are not . I did have a little trouble trying to decide if it was a Sci - Fi Action movie , or just a comedy , as it seemed to fit both . Tomorrow I will be up early , as I need to help Anthony Netto to get to the airport , so he can catch his flight . He will be here at about 05 : 15 , and then I 'll drive him the rest of the way and park his truck back over here . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . This morning I fully intended to get up early and go out for a bike ride , but then about 10 minutes after I was up , my lower back started to " talk " to me . It was telling me that maybe a bike ride wasn 't such a good idea right now , and that perhaps a better choice was to just try to take it easy the rest of the day . I decided that I should listen to my back and didn 't go for the ride . However , taking it easy wasn 't necessarily in the cards . We have the girls right now and they require a bit of attention , along with the appointments we normally have . Actually there were only two appointments today , and one of them was a time that wasn 't going to let us miss out on all the traffic that happens when most people are getting off work . Sitting in traffic for over an hour is just no fun when your back is bothering you . I know most of you already know that , but it feels good being able to say it . When we finally got pretty close to home Jason remembered that we still needed to go to the grocery store , to pick up a few things . We finally got back home at 17 : 20 , and the girls were ready for us to be home . Of course their moods were vastly improved with the snacks that Daddy decided to buy . Every now and again he will just decide to buy something that he knows they really like , and as long as they don 't get it all the time , I 'm okay with it . Then again , he is the dad . . . I made stroganoff for dinner , for two reasons . First it is a relatively quick and easy meal to put together , and second , everybody likes it . Baths came after dinner , and that is always a good play time for both of them and then shortly after that is bed time . I think Jason like bed time best because he gets to just relax and read stories to Stacy and Jackie , and the girls enjoy it a bunch . Tomorrow is another day of excitement , with my first appointment at 08 : 00 with the VA . This time I hope it doesn 't take as long . I don 't have to go to the La Jolla VA Hospital , so it should be a little easier to get seen - just wish me luck . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Stacy was dropped off at the house this morning , at about 07 : 20 , and then I fixed some breakfast . We had Cream of Wheat , and it was pretty good . We hadn 't had any for several weeks , and I was just in the mood for it today ( so was Jason ) . After that we did some catching up of our emails while Stacy played and then we all got ready for Jason 's first appointment , over at the hospital . It was with physical therapy ( PT ) and was supposed to start at 10 : 30 . All was fine , except as we pulled into the base I became aware that I had left my wallet on the coffee table . . . OOPS ! As it turned out the guard recognized me and Jason , and Jason had his ID with him , so he still let us on . The appointment with PT was pretty normal and Stacy stayed with Jason as I went over to get a hair cut . We had given her the option of going with me or Daddy , and she chose Daddy - this made me feel good , as I like it when they want to spend more time with him . The timing was excellent because when I was done I went back over to PT and Jason was done . Actually , Stacy was having a great time and learning where some of the things were , within the PT area , including the bottled water dispenser . She showed me where to get a drink , if I was thirsty . There were a couple of other little errands we needed to take care of , and by the time we were heading back to the house it was close to 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) . Soon after arriving at the house I left again , to go to an appointment I had with the VA . It was with the " Hand Clinic " because of the trigger - finger problem I dealing with on both hands . My appointment was at 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) , and I wanted to be sure I was there before then , and I arrived with 10 minutes to spare . I checked in and sat down in the nice waiting room and sat . . . and sat . . . and two hours later I was up at the desk asking what was going on ( actually I had been up a couple times by now ) . They were really sorry , but they were backed up and I was going to be next . I told them I was sorry too , because I had to leave now so that I could go pick up Jackie . They have the worst scheduling system around , and were behind with all the other patients as well as mine . Unfortunately I don 't have a great deal of choice right now , and that is the medical care that I have to go with . They did make up another appointment for me , towards the end of the month , but at a different clinic that should be better for me - we 'll see . I picked up Jackie and we headed back tot he house . It was kind of fun picking her up today , because as I came into the yard area , where the kids were all playing she came running across the yard yelling , " Grandpa ! " and jumped up when she got to me . She was talking a mile a minute about all the excitement of the day , and also to let me know that today was her birthday . I went over to the teacher and asked why Jackie was saying it was her birthday , and the teacher had no idea . Jackie 's birthday is on August 24 , so it is about 3 weeks from now , so I don 't know what happened , but she was excited about it . I did tell her that it wasn 't her birthday yet , and she seemed to take it just fine , so we then headed home . The rest of the evening was good , and Stacy and Jackie were playing hide and seek for a while . Jackie still doesn 't have the hide concept down yet , but they still have a fun time of it . When it was bed time I had to braid the girls hair , so it wouldn 't be too tangled in the morning and then Jason and I sort of tag - teamed the reading of the stories and getting them to bed . All - in - all it was a fun evening , and to be honest , it kind of wore me down a little . . . That 's okay , I 'll sleep well tonight . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a fun and exciting day for Jason and I , as I was able to start the day off with a nice 15 mile ride , sort of a combination of a couple of my regular routes ( I have about a half dozen or so ) . MoThist of the rides begin with my heading up Rosecrans and then depending on where I feel like going I might go left , right or simply straight ahead . Today I went straight ahead , then turned around at about the 2 . 5 mile mark and rode back to the point of deciding which way to go . This time I went to the left ( which would have been right from the other direction ) and rode out to the harbor and rode the rest of that ride . It was nice , though it was far more crowded than I usually see , so I had to take a little more time than I typically do in that area . I still made the trip in about an hour , so I was happy about that . Once I was home I had to cool down and then get dressed , so I could get Jason and Gracie up to their dog training , up in Oceanside . This was also the place where Anthony Netto was going to be meeting us so that Jason and I could get out and go target shooting with the new guns . Jason has a new Beretta 9mm and also a bench rifle , that was custom built . Anthony has been working with the various shooting ranges , both civilian and military ( today we were headed to Camp Pendleton shooting range ) , to get them to expand their programs for helping the wounded warriors . Jason was using his paramobile to do the shooting and the Range Master , and other Safety personnel were all impressed with how it worked and allowed both Jason and Anthony to shoot , in a " standing " position . We spent a few hours there and went through about 150 rounds of ammunition , and I even got to shoot . We all had fun and I even managed to hit the target . The real good thing was that Jason was able to shoot with his right hand , with enough control that his accuracy was high , and then he shoot with his left hand and did well there too . Once we were done at the range we were all hungry . We hadn 't had lunch and it was now getting closer to dinner , so Anthony suggested that we stop at a restaurant that he was familiar with , and it had excellent food . The server thought we had ordered too much food , but we were all hungry , and as it turned out , two others joined us ( Angelica and Josh ) and in the end there wasn 't much food left over . On top of that Jason had himself a tall beer , and I think by the time we were done the affects of the beer was showing on him . You could see in his eyes that he was tired and just wanted to call it a day . We left and finally got back to the house by 17 : 20 ( 5 : 20pm ) , and once we were all packed / unpacked back in the house I suggested that he take his shower , otherwise he would fall asleep and get no shower . He agreed . . . The shower was quick and the dressing change was better than I expected . I thought because of how long he was up today there might be additional damage , and there wasn 't . Neither of us were hungry , and in a matter of a few minutes he was asleep . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was pretty much the normal Friday for us , except that Linda isn 't here and this is a Friday that " normally " would have Stacy with her mom - she 's with us during most of the day and Jackie is at her day care . Anyway , Jason had a couple of appointments , and on top of that we needed to get Mr . Jingles out of the house , and over to Gunny Parker , who will be taking care of him over the weekend . What happened was that we found some insect invaders in the house , and requested that it get sprayed , and they said ALL animals had to be removed from the house for about four hours . The house was sprayed and we hope that all is well now . His appointments were with PT and with Urology , as well as picking up some med from the pharmacy , and then I wanted to get down to the ASYMCA . Cherri , of the Y , offered to purchase some needed items for Jason , and I wanted to get the correct information to her . Unfortunately , it took me a few days to get this to her , and when we did finally get there today we found out that she was out on vacation . I left the information for when she returns , so it really wasn 't a loss , just a slight delay . Afterward , Jason wanted to get down to So Cal Gun Shop , where he wanted to pick up a hand gun he had purchased a couple of weeks ago ( there is a waiting period before he could be given the gun ) . Anyway he was pretty excited , and we are going to go try it out tomorrow . We will be heading out with Anthony Netto , and going out to the range . Being able to shot again is very important to Jason . He is concerned that he won 't be able to shoot with his right hand , and will have to learn shooting with the left . This is simply something we will have to wait and see what happens . This will also be the first time in years , for me to handle a gun , so I 'm interested in how well I do . Heck , I 'll be happy to just hit a target . . . ; - ) We got home and Stacy was kind of tired , so she laid down and went to sleep , until her mom came to pick her up . I carried her out to the car and told her we 'll see her again on Monday . The rest of the evening it was just Jason and I , and we simply had soup for dinner . Neither of us were particularly hungry so it was easy . Linda is still in San Francisco , and will be there a couple more days , then move on to Livermore . She is having a great time and I suspect that it will continue to be a good time , so that is a good thing . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
4 Comments » I was reminded again today that I haven 't written in a while . I can 't tell you why not . I don 't mean that it is private . I just don 't know why . Anyway , here we go again . Please - be patient and read to the end . It really does tie together and it is important . Life has a way of weaving separate strands together to make a beautiful cloth . That 's what has been happening lately for me . I wrote about feeling homeless because my kitchen was being remodeled . It 's done now and beautiful . So beautiful that it makes me feel a tad guilty when I mention it on Facebook . Why ? A number of my friends on Facebook are folks who live on Pine Ridge Reservation . If you 've read any of my prior posts ( and if you haven 't , why haven 't you ? ) , you know that conditions on Pine Ridge are very difficult . 90 % of the people there live below the poverty level . I have been poor in my life but I have never faced that kind of poverty . And now , when I have accomplished something so wonderful , I almost don 't want anyone to know . The fact of the matter is that , while I may have felt homeless , I wasn 't . I was staying in motels by choice to avoid the chaos of construction . I had a choice . And I had a home ! That was thread number one . Thread number two is my " brother . " He has begun to work at a shelter , counseling domestic abuse victims . He saw abuse as a child . He has a frame of reference and I am so proud of him for putting that knowledge to use in such an important way . It is such an important thing for a victim of domestic violence to have a place to go where there is no violence . Safety is so important - especially for the children ! You probably know that I " work " for an organization that tries to improve lives on Pine Ridge by providing sponsors , food , wood for heat , youth programs and whatever else we can manage . I match folks on the rez with sponsors . I get to talk to a lot of folks on the rez . I 've talked to plenty of women who have been abused - when they were children or by a man as an adult . They have all touched me deeply . But no story has touched me like the story I was told by a woman I am currently trying to help . Thread number three started for me a couple of weeks ago when I got an email from our director . She had been on the rez recently and was approached by a woman who asked for our help . She gave me the woman 's telephone number and asked if I would call her . I did . This is her story . I 'm going to call the woman Jane - because I don 't think I have ever spoken to anyone on the rez whose name really was Jane . Jane had recently left Dick ( if you remember Dick and Jane , you learned to read when I did and you are probably my age ) . . . because Dick was beating her and the 4 children . You may think he is aptly named - I do . She did not want the children to grow up seeing that and she would not accept it for herself . If you 're standing up and cheering Jane right now , that 's great . But wait . After I tell you the rest of this story , you 'll have to come up with something better than that . Jane left Dick . Jane took the 4 children and not much else . No clothing , toys or bedding . She hoped to stay with a relative . But all of the relatives had full houses already . ( I 've written about the severe housing shortage on the reservation before . ) The best they could do for her was to lend her a tent . So she is now living in a tent with her 4 children . They sleep on the ground . They eat bologna sandwiches . She has no refrigeration so she must walk into town frequently for the perishables . She is an insulin - dependent diabetic . She is keeping her insulin and perishable food in a styrofoam cooler . ( Did I mention the temperatures have gone as low as 50 degrees and as high as almost 100 degrees ? Did I mention the severe thunderstorms with hail and high winds ? ) Everything was in the name of the abuser , including the food stamp claim . Control is another form of abuse , don 't you think ? Jane has a cell phone but to charge it , she has to go to a tribal office and settle in with the children while she plugs in the phone . Oh wait , I see what I have forgotten to tell you - the ages of the children . The oldest just turned 5 years old . Then there is a 3 year old and a 2 year old . The youngest child is 4 months old . The youngest 2 children are still in diapers . Jane had no stroller . So every walk for every task means taking along 1 child , 2 toddlers and an infant . As Jane told me , " We travel very slowly . " Jane told me she is trying to make it an adventure for the kids so they will not have bad memories of the experience as they get older . She is sure she did the right thing by leaving . Still … it is hard . The wonderful people who support our organization have responded admirably to the needs of Jane and her children . A stroller and many other things are on the way . When I told her about the stroller , she was so grateful . She said , " I 've never had a stroller before . " ( Don 't forget - the stroller is for her fourth child . ) Still , it will be hard . There is still no home . That brings me to thread number four . Cangleska . That is the domestic violence shelter on Pine Ridge that I wrote about early on in the life of this blog . It was a fantastic place and the program there was a model for domestic abuse treatment and prevention across " Indian country . " They built a large , homey shelter . Many , including myself , contributed to its furnishings . ( If you must know , I sent a crib and mattress . ) There was treatment for the offenders as well as the victims . It had the potential to change people 's lives . If you are wondering why I am writing about Cangleska using the past tense , it is because it no longer exists . The non - profit that ran the shelter was composed of folks who lived on the rez . They received many grants and other donations . As I 've written before , when folks who have nothing have access to serious sums of money , the temptation to dip into the funds is always there . Your own family has needs , too . And greed is sadly an universal human flaw . The shelter was closed down following a forensic financial audit . This weekend I discovered that there will be an auction of all the assets of Cangleska next week . Everything will go ( even the crib I sent ) . The auctioneer 's website listed " highlites ( sic ) " including like new office equipment , computer equipment , digital phone system , office furniture , home furnishings , flat screen TV 's , kids ' playground equipment , new chain link fence , tipis , pick - up trucks , cars , minivans , trailers , building materials , construction tools and shop equipment . Everything will go . It breaks my heart . I don 't know what this cloth will look like when it is complete . I don 't think all the threads are in place yet . For many months I thought I was weaving a different pattern . Now , I 'm not so sure . Perhaps it is all part of a larger design that I don 't recognize yet . I 'll keep you posted . My friend had to go away on business for a few days . Her husband and teenaged daughter drove her to the airport . That trip was perhaps the last " normal " moment she will have for a while . On the way home , after they dropped off my friend , her husband stopped and bought alcohol ( the drinking kind not the rubbing kind ) for his underaged daughter . I suspect he had some himself . He then proceeded to make sexual advances to his daughter ! ! Yes , you read that right ! ! His daughter was able to fight off the advances , so there was no physical damage ; however , the psychological trauma was devastating . This incident is what led to my title . I discussed the whole thing with my husband , since he is a man ( big surprise there , I know ) , and he was as puzzled as I was . How could a man do something like that to his own child ? Yes , the alcohol provided some fuel , to be sure . But the alcohol did not put the idea into this man 's head . What is it with men ? If you think about the sexual abuse of children ( at any age ) , the offenders are most often men . Women ( sane ones , at least ) do not damage children - especially their own . Women protect their children . In the culture of the Native Americans I work with , children ( and women ) are considered sacred . They are the ones who carry life into the future . I 'm sure it has occurred , but I have never personally heard about or read about a mother who has sexually molested her child . I have heard about many men who have done such things ! Yes , I 've read the clichés about men thinking with their penises rather than their brains . I can see how teenaged boys can get carried away , when the strength of those urges are new and unfamiliar . But a man who is old enough to have a 17 year old daughter is a man who is old enough to have learned how to control his sexual urges . A man who is a father ought to be the protector of his family , not the one who damages his family ! My friend is a strong woman who is very protective of her children and her family . She would often speak of how much she loved her husband and her children . She is such a positive person and a role model for those around her . Now she is trying to figure out how to explain these things to her teenaged children - and to herself . I am so angry for her . I 'd like to slap this man upside the head and ask him what on God 's good earth could have made him think this was okay to do , alcohol or not ! But I know I 'd get the typical answers : I didn 't know what I was doing ; the alcohol made me do it ; I just couldn 't control myself . I received a call from a Jane Doe , woman on Pine Ridge Reservation . Okay , that 's nothing new for me . I talk to a lot of folks there . Jane is a woman I have actually visited and with whom I have spoken quite a few times . She is a pleasant , soft - spoken woman who is a wheelchair bound paraplegic , the result of being rearended in an auto accident by a drunk driver . Both her nieces are adults . Both of them are mentally handicapped . The two women had lived with and been cared for by their parents until the parents passed away . At that time , one of their adult siblings was given guardianship over the two women . The guardian decided to put the two women into a home of some sort , many miles away from the reservation and from all that was familiar to them . No one from their immediate family visited them and , in fact , the guardian moved away to the East Coast and left them alone . Jane recently received guardianship ! However , they cannot come to stay with her permanently until she has a place for them to sleep that is not the floor . The living room is the only place in the apartment that they can stay . Truly , Jane and her nieces need a proper place to live - one where a wheelchair will fit through the doorways . But that is not likely to occur any time soon . Jane would like to have her nieces home by the holidays , she told me when she called to ask if I could help her find a pull - out sofa bed or bunk beds for her nieces . It 's so hard to say no to someone as generous and kind - hearted as Jane . But it isn 't what we usually do , since a sofa bed , the best option , can be quite expensive . I , personally , would hate to ask 38 and 40 year old women to be climbing into bunk beds , however . We have actually located a sofa bed for $ 1000 that can be delivered to their home . I 'm not sure if that included tax - probably not , right ? But we don 't have a spare $ 1000 at this time . I , personally , am going to keep Jane Doe in my mind as I prepare for the holidays of giving thanks and giving gifts . She is willing to give of what little she has out of love for her family . She is a true inspiration to me ! 3 Comments » Life on Pine Ridge Reservation is very complicated . I am thrilled that ABC News has followed through on their plans to spotlight life on Pine Ridge for the Lakota people . But the 20 / 20 program they will air tonight ( Friday , October 14 , 2011 ) will only scratch the surface . Yes , you will see the deplorable living conditions that most endure . You will see the ideas and programs that are trying to bring hope to the people . But there are stories that you won 't hear . My friend 's eldest daughter had moved to Rapid City to find work and build a home for her 2 little boys . They are all my takojas ( grandchildren ) , at least in my heart . Her partner , the boys dad , was living with them . Her daughter found work at a fast food restaurant , got an apartment and tried to make a home . Her partner did not find employment . He did find the time and money to drink with his friends , even when he was supposed to be caring for the boys . He had the " energy " to beat her in front of his sons . This latest call was because he 'd slept with another woman . All of this may sound like your garden - variety domestic drama - but not to my friend . My friend and her husband got sober years ago . No AA or other 12 - step group ; just a strong desire to put her children first . They do not want the takojas , the boys , to live in those conditions . So my friend was going to Rapid City to pick up her takojas . She was going to bring them home to live with them while her daughter figured out what she wanted in her life . Why did they call me in all this ? Gas money . The most mundane things can complicate these domestic issues even more . The first complication is they no longer have a car . So in order to make the 2 hour trip to Rapid City , they have to borrow a relatives car . Then they must fill the tank with gas so they have enough gas to get that " rez ride " to Rapid and back . With no source of income and limited funds , gas money is a frequent request in times of emergency or stress . I called the local gas station and authorized gas for my friends . It was no more than a week later that I spoke with my Lakota friend again . She was not feeling well , having severe pain in her abdomen and chest that was strong enough to cause her knees to buckle . I told her she needed to be seen by a doctor . She said she had been seen at the nearby clinic and the only thing they had found was that she had a significantly elevated platelet level in her blood tests . I am fairly well versed in medical knowledge but I did not have much information about elevated platelet levels and if pain was a result or a cause of that finding . So I did what any slightly tech - savvy nerd would do - I researched it on the internet . I found that pain is not typically found when you have elevated platelet levels . I discovered that there are many causes of elevated platelets , ranging from " benign - no obvious cause " to cancer with many options in between . I could find nothing that made any sense based on the symptoms my friend had related . She called a day later , in so much pain that I could hear it in her voice . Since I was 2000 miles away , I could not say " Show me exactly where it hurts " or do any kind of touching to clarify what I was hearing from her . But she sounded so frightened , she is newly diagnosed as diabetic , she has a family history of heart disease and the pain was lasting far longer than seemed okay to ignore . So I made the suggestion that I would make to any friend : go to the emergency room and have a doctor look at you . I was aware that the nearest hospital was at least 45 minutes away , if she went to Pine Ridge Hospital . There is a hospital in Martin , SD that she could go to if she wanted a bit longer drive and of course , there was Rapid City Regional , 2 hours away . She decided to go to Pine Ridge Hospital , since the clinic was planning to have her check in there the following day for additional tests . Pine Ridge Hospital is an Indian Health Services ( IHS ) facility . The residents of the reservation have a standing joke about IHS : " I sat in the emergency room for 6 hours and all I got was 2 Tylenol . " It is a commentary on the quality of care received from IHS . There were 2 physicians who examined my friend , one male and one female . They did an x - ray of her abdomen which showed nothing . [ I cannot fathom how an x - ray of soft tissue with no contrast administered could be expected to show anything of significance . ] They did an EKG , which they said was find . So the male doctor started to discuss what might be going on when the female doctor made a comment aloud , to no one in particular , that my friend 's problems were all in her head and she needed a psychiatrist . My friend stopped the male doctor in mid - sentence to ask if the female doctor had spoken about her . The male doctor was uncomfortable enough that my friend realized it was true . She asked both doctors to leave so she could get dressed and she prepared to leave the hospital without treatment . That was when she overheard a number of hospital staff , doctors , nurses , etc , making comments about " drunken Indians " . They were laughing and mocking . My friend and her husband , who were stone cold sober , were shocked . They were even more shocked when one of the staffers made a comment to the effect that , if all the drunken Indians were shot , it would make their nights a whole lot easier and saner . I know the anger that rose in me when my friend told me about those comments and the mocking . I could barely speak , which was fine since I could not think of what to say that might possibly be appropriate in this situation . I was embarrassed that those in the medical community would say such things . I knew my anger , resentment and embarrassment couldn 't begin to approach what my friend and her husband felt . She did file complaints through the proper channels . But you and I both know that will not take away the sting of being mocked by those charged with your care . It was so totally unprofessional . Sadly , it was not particularly unusual . The most recent call occurred 2 days ago . Before I detail the call for you , I want to tell you about my Lakota friend 's husband . Understanding this man is germane to understanding the event . It is also important to understand a bit about rez life , so I will also go into that a bit in case you don 't know very much about it . As I said at the beginning of this post , life on the rez is very complicated . That statement might actually be an understatement . There is the poverty the underpins almost everyone 's life , since 90 % of the residents live at or below the poverty level . There are divisions that tear at the fabric of the culture : pure - blood vs mixed - blood , traditional vs contemporary , activist vs passivist , etc . There are times when the true Lakota culture , its values and traditions , are ignored or perverted . Elders , women and children are considered sacred yet domestic violence is rampant . Based on the traditional clannishness of historical Lakota life , who your family is can be more important that who you are or what idea you may have . Nepotism and corruption abound . The tribal council has actually tolerated disrespect among its members . People who are elected do not have to meet any age or educational requirements . Politics play a bigger part in who gets a job than does who is the best qualified . My friend 's husband is a big man but he is not the kind of man who uses his size to intimidate . He is quiet and funny . He is very smart and currently working on his college degree in business . He would like to see honesty and respect return to the tribe and the interactions of the people who live on Pine Ridge . He is a man of integrity who married my friend when she was a single mother raising 4 teen - aged daughters . That takes courage in any culture ! If it had not been for the panic in her voice , I 'd have thought it was a joke . I have always told her that , if the girls got into trouble , there was no money available for bail money . Just not going to happen . But the panic was there . Here is the story that I pieced together : They had submitted , to the proper person , a voucher for gas to go to a health appointment for her daughter . Somehow , it had disappeared ( mistakenly thrown out , intentionally " misplaced " , who knew ? ) ; they resubmitted it . The check was supposed to be ready that day but wasn 't . My friend 's husband called the office and the clerk told him she had seen the check in the official 's office . So my friend 's husband called the official and , as he stated , " in a voice of authority " told the official that he would come down to the office " to straighten things out . " The official decided that was a threat and called the police to arrest my friend 's husband for threatening a tribal official . This had been on the phone . My friend 's husband did not assault anyone nor did he go into the office and create a scene . [ I must say it is probably a good thing I don 't live on the rez ; I 'm not sure I could keep my temper in the face of all the " crap " that goes on . I 'd probably be a " regular " with the jailer under that criteria . ] If she could not bail him out , he would be suspended from college and lose his scholarship money . It would destroy everything he has worked so hard to achieve thus far . I was really torn because I had always said there would be no bail money . But this man has worked hard . He makes really good grades . He is honest and straightforward . I have always respected him . I wired the bail money . They plan to wire it back to me when they receive his educational stipend for the semester in another week . I plan to let them send the money back to me . Leave a Comment » I spoke with a young mother last night to try to assist her . She had moved from Oklahoma to Pine Ridge , SD to help care for her mother after her mom had some surgery . Her mom has other medical conditions in addition to the one that required surgery , had been life - flighted off the reservation previously and certainly needed the extra help . Her mom , however , has gone back to work early because of the dire need for income . I said this was a young mother who moved back to Pine Ridge . She did not come alone . She brought her 4 children with her . Her children range in age from 11 to 18 . In Oklahoma , she was enrolled in a college program majoring in Criminal Justice . Back in Pine Ridge , she is enrolled at the Oglala Lakota College , which does not have that major . So she will have to choose something else to complete her degree . When she and the children moved back , they were given her grandfather 's trailer to live in . However , because neither he nor other family had a job , the electricity was shut off for lack of payment . They were not the only ones , of course , so candles and generators in the neighborhood were the norm . But generators take fuel , too , so they are run intermittently , as hot water is needed - not solely for TV or lights . Apparently while she was at her mother 's home , the children had candle lit so they could see . A neighbor had turned on a generator and did have the TV on while the water was heating . So her children we to the neighbor 's house to watch TV . . . forgetting the candle . Unfortunately , unattended candles can be a fire hazard and this one was no exception . The trailer caught fire and burned down , taking all their possessions as well . Even worse , they had some historic documents and items in the trailer which have now been lost to both the family and the tribe . She is so saddened by that loss . I explained to this mom that the family had been referred to us and explained both the sponsorship and OKINI programs . I told her I would put them on both , with an emphasis on the OKINI due to their urgent needs . She began to cry . She apologized for the tears and said that it has been very difficult to get help through the tribe . It seems that the right hand does not know what the left hand is doing , that no one communicates with anyone else and that there is " no money left " in any program . She said that would never occur with the Cherokee Nation . They are organized and it is easy to navigate their systems . They are honoring and trying to maintain their culture while at the same time fitting in with the current day . Moving back to Pine Ridge , from one Indian nation to another , has been a Native American culture shock ! She and her four children went to the tribe for assistance with housing after the trailer burned . They were told that they qualified for assistance but it would take some time . This young woman , who is strong and articulate , was not about to let her children be homeless . They have moved into her great - grandmother 's " old house " that was built sometime around the 1900 's . It is a house , but it is small ! It contains a kitchen and one other room . The only furniture they have is a full - sized bed . Since there are 5 family members , the 2 older children are going at night to sleep on their grandmother 's couch . They have no appliances , no table or chairs , no food storage ( no food for that matter ) and very little clothing . They do have someone who is willing to build another room onto the place if they can materials from they tribe ( they are not holding their breath on that ) . After we talked about all the hardships she and her children have been enduring , she proceeded to tell me the story of her pre - teen nephew . Her brother , who still lives in Oklahoma , is the boy 's biological dad . However , when the mother was pregnant with the boy , she left the biological dad and moved to Pine Ridge to live with another man . She listed that man as the father on the boy 's birth certificate . After a short time , she left that man . . . and left the boy with his non - biological father as well . Apparently this boy has been abused since he was quite small - physically , mentally , emotionally ( being told his biological father was dead after he found out about him ) and perhaps sexually . The boy finally called the police to try to find safety . After a court hearing , they placed him back with the abuser . The young woman fears for her nephew 's life and wants to help the boy . But again she is frustrated by the lack of organization and lack of urgency she finds in the Oglala Sioux Tribe . I have connected her to my Lakota friend , who has had a lot of experience with the juvenile system on the rez , as you know if you read my accounts on this blog . I will try to give her other connections as I can . The occasion for the trip was a happy one - after 10 years of waiting , they had finally obtained a house of their own and had decided to have it blessed . When I think about the hard times and sadness they have endured over the past 6 years that we 've known each other ( search the category " Lakota friends " for past stories ) , I think having the house blessed was a really good idea . I had gone expecting a Lakota holy man to bless the house , but apparently summer , with its powwows and other gatherings , was not a good time to " book " one . The task and privilege fell to one of the local Episcopal priests , who had also conducted the funeral for my friend 's daughter a couple of years ago . Much of the rest of the time I was on the reservation was spent sharing stories . I have often thought that a book should be written about my Lakota friend 's life . Although it may be somewhat common to the lives of many on the reservation , it is the story of a woman who has already , in her 30 's , overcome more obstacles in her life than most of us will face in a lifetime . I tell her that if she gives me the stories , I will put them together in a book and the money will be hers since the story is hers . She laughs , but I think she has been considering it more seriously of late . While we were sitting at her dining room table sharing coffee and conversation , I asked her what her earliest memory was . Personally , the early memories I have center around holidays and playing with my younger sister . So I was not prepared for the story she told me . As you read her story , I ask you to ask yourself : What does it do to a person to have this as his / her earliest memory ? Can you put yourself in this picture ? Her earliest memory is an event that occurred when she was about 3 and her sister about 5 . They were at home in their mother 's trailer . The extended family had gathered there - aunts , uncles and some she does not recall . Her mother was 8 months pregnant with her next sister . The adults were all drinking heavily . Apparently that was typical at that time in her mother 's life . Suddenly , and for no reason that a 3 year old could recall , her uncle picked up a huge , old - fashioned butcher knife and stabbed her mother in the back . The knife , which had about a 10 inch blade , had been " slammed about halfway " into the left side of her mother 's back as she and her sister watched . An aunt quickly pushed the 2 girls into a closet to protect them and locked the door from the outside . However , since the trailer was in poor condition as are many rez homes , the closet door was not a snug fit . There was plenty of space between the door and the frame to allow the 2 children to watch what was unfolding in the hallway outside the closet . The girls could see the knife still protruding from their mother 's back as she lay on the floor only feet away . They could see the huge pool of blood forming around their mother . She turned her head and looked straight at them , forming the words " help me " as best she could . My friend clearly remembers her eyes connecting with her mother 's eyes . She also recalls that all of the adults who had been there left , without helping her mother or calling for help . The 2 little girls , who were terrified , threw themselves at the closet door . The door , which was not well made or in good condition , as I noted before , gave way . My friend 's older sister ran and tried to pull the knife out of her mother 's back - but she was too small and the knife was too deep . The girls ran to get a neighbor to help . The neighbor pulled out the knife and called for help . When the police arrived , they arrested the neighbor for the stabbing , in spite of the stories told by both the girls . Although the neighbor was eventually cleared , the uncle was never arrested . The police refused to believe the girls ' story . My friend 's mother was taken to the hospital , where they delivered her baby a month early and worked to save both lives . The baby survived . So did her mother , although it took a long time for her to recover . My friend told me that she once asked her mother to stop wearing tops with thin straps so much . Her mother told her she would wear whatever she wanted to . She didn 't understand that my friend had a reason for asking that of her mother . You see , every time she saw her mother in a tank top or camisole , she could clearly see the huge scar on her mother 's back when her mother turned away . The sight of that scar would tear open the scar on her psyche every time , bringing her back to the night she was a terrified 3 year old . What does it do to a person to have this as his / her earliest memory ? I suspect a psychologist could write a book on that . In all likelihood , in layman 's terms , it would scar the person for life . Can you put yourself in this picture ? In all honesty , I cannot . I gratefully grew up in a home where peace was the rule and verbal arguments the infrequent exception . There was no physical violence . Some of you may have had more experiences with violence as a child . I pray that your first childhood memory is not something this traumatic . 2 Comments » I 'm very excited ! ! I don 't usually get to go out to Pine Ridge from the East Coast twice in one year . But that 's exactly what I 'm going to do ! And actually , within about 2 months of my last visit . I wrote not long ago about my Lakota friends who had been waiting so long on the housing list ( nearly 1o years ) . Finally they had gotten a house ! I was so happy to get that phone call . In the weeks that have passed since that call , my friend has changed . She is truly happy for the first time I can remember in the 6 years I have known her . I don 't mean that she hasn 't been happy about things that have occurred before . But it is different now . She is a happy person now , not just a tired , worn person happy about getting a package or seeing her grandchild . I can hear it in her voice . I can see and feel it in her emails and Facebook posts . She has changed . I think she finally believes that something really good can happen in her life . They are so happy to have this home that they are planning to have the home blessed and to have a celebratory meal afterward . Of course , my husband and I were invited . But since we had just been there , it really didn 't seem to be financially possible . A minor miracle occurred when my parents ' house finally sold and I recently got a very small inheritance . Small - but enough for me to do some good things for people and still have enough to do a few things for myself , like fly back to South Dakota for this celebration . My husband won 't be able to get the time off from work , so I 'll have to go alone . But a month or so ago , I wouldn 't have imagined that it would be possible at all . Thanks , Mom . |
I arrived at Fort Lewis , Washington State in Dec 1979 . I was assigned to HHC 2nd / 47th Infantry Battalion and would be working in the motorpool . The barracks were mostly empty as almost everybody was on leave for the Holidays . I wandered around post with nothing to do and had nobody to report to until after New Years . When everyone returned , I learned that we were going to Alaska for winter training for six weeks . We would be staying at Fort Wainright near Fairbanks . There was a lot to do to prepare and I still had to be issued my field gear and get everything settled for this assignment . It was mid January 1980 and we flew on a Air Force cargo plane from nearby McCord AF Base to Alaska . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . they were noisy and not built for comfort , but , thankfully it wasn 't an extremely long flight . We were issued winter training gear , which included skis , poles , air insulated boots ( they were called Mickey Mouse Boots for their appearance ) and an outer sleeping bag to put our regular bags in to . We settled in to our assigned barracks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . just a large room with beds and lockers . It was pretty cold while we were there with temps in - 50 degrees . We left vehicles run overnight as a precaution because they were left outside . They call it the Land Of the Midnight Sun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . in the middle of winter it should be called land of " where is the sun ? " as it rises on the horizon , stays for a few hours and sets again . At the end of the month was to be my first payday at this assignment and I sure could use it by this time as I hadn 't gotten paycheck since I left my last assignment I cashed my check and went to the PX to buy all the basics I was in need of . When I got back to the barracks , I was met by two cooks assigned to HHC as cooks . . . . . . . . Steele and Battle . They had a bottle of Bacardi 151 Rum and wanted to drink . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and I did . I was intoxicated to be sure but not falling down drunk . We went to chow and I was one of the first back and I wandered around in the back of the barracks , which were empty . Steele and Battle came in behind me didn 't realize that I was there . I heard them talking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . they were planning to take my pay and were looking for me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that 's why they were so friendly and free with the rum . They went back out and went to put my money in my locker but I couldn 't remember my combo . I was drunk and panicked . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . so I went to see SSG Thomas Small and SSG Charles Jordan , they were also assigned to the motorpool and had a room down the hall . I asked them if they would inventory and hold my money and why I was asking them to do The next morning , I woke up and had a slight hangover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I took my pants which were neatly folded by my head and put them on . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I headed to the soda machine for a Pepsi and when I got there , I realized I didn 't have any change in my pocket . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I had some yesterday . I quickly checked my wallet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it was empty . I informed SSGs Jordan and Small and it went up the chain of command to the CO ( Commanding Officer ) . It was afternoon by the time the CO , CPT Bunjour , could investigate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . by then , Steele came walking into the barracks with his new 35mm SLR camera he just bought at the PX . It cost more than he was paid . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . so , since he gave me the rum and since I heard them talking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . he was suspect . He was brought to the CO and Steele told him he received cash in the mail from home and that was where he got the money . CO couldn 't prove otherwise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . he got away with it too . Once again I blamed myself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . for being stupid . It was a hell of way to start my new assignment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and a forewarning of what was to come . I sure played the fool and it was a superior performance . I was once again assualted in my bed . I had my months pay taken , even the change from my pockets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it was February 1st , 1980 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . my 19th birthday . Hey All , Many of us get to the point where we refer to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that was the last straw . . . . . . . . . . . . the straw that broke the camels ' back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I 've had all I can stands and I can 't stands no more . At the end of September 2010 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I would find that point . I was on my 3rd suspension without pay from my employer . this all started with a complaint to the State of Pa , about a supervisor . I refused to drop this complaint , even though I was warned at the time that they would " find a way to fire me " . . . . . . . . as stated from a man who held a position in the union . He was a close friend of the supervisor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and his words proved to be foretelling . I had been reassigned in the beginning of August 2010 . I was suspended the 1st time , since starting my employment , near the end of August 2010 . I am an honorably discharged Army Vet with a substantial hearing disability . My suspension was in part for not answering a phone that I could not hear due to my disability . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I had hearing aids but did not have them in . It was claimed by administration that I was missing from work . I was operating gas powered equipment and there 2 commercial lawnmowers running in my immediate vicinity . I filed a discrimination complaint because of this suspension and was suspended twice afterwards as a reward . I had previously been reprimanded by the Principal and Asst Principal for not working fast enough , even when I was working sided by side with John , my co - worker doing the same task . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . he didn 't get reprimanded . I had to be taken by ambulance for emergency medical treatment to Doylestown Hospital . . . . . . . my blood pressure dangerously high and acute pain in my chest . My blood pressure returned to normal by the next morning and test were run on my heart . I was given a stress test , EKG etc . I passed with flying colors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the cardiologist told me there was nothing wrong with my heart . . . . . . . . . . . . that it was workplace stress that caused my symptoms . I stayed in the hospital for 1 day and then returned to work . I was suspended on the 2nd day after my return . I filed an internal complaint for discrimination with everyone including the superintendent . According to policy every complaint will be investigated . . . . . . . . . even verbal . There was no investigation that I was made aware of or a conclusion from one , also part of standing policy . Why didn 't they take my complaint seriously ? Is discrimination and abuse acceptable as long as you are an administrator ? I was suspended again two more times , without pay in the three weeks following that internal complaint . During my last suspension , I was told that the next step for me would be termination . I had already been put on anti anxiety and depression medication due to their actions . No matter how hard I tried , they still came after me . I couldn 't sleep and had lost a lot of weight . I was apprehensive about going to work , I was also self medicating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . with alcohol , it was the only way I could sleep . Penny had breast cancer and was receiving treatment at this time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I couldn 't lose this job ! We had spent our IRAs recovering from a recent flood . , also during Pennys ' cancer treatment . I was starting over with this job and worked away from home 5 days a week . We needed these benefits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Penny was scared what would happen to her health care without them . Not to mention the only retirement saving we now had . The anxiety , frustration and depression were overwhelming . . . . I needed relief , help in any form , to make this nightmare stop ! It was early afternoon and Penny was getting ready for work , I said to her , " I 'm at the end of my rope . I can 't take much more of this ! " After she left and gone to work at the local market , which is just down the street , I started drinking . I was working on the house , trying to take my mind off off my circumstance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I couldn 't focus . . . . . . . . . . . . . no matter how hard I tried , I was consumed by my thoughts . I went down a very deep black hole I thought that the only way to make this pain go away , was to take my life . There has been so much heartache for such a long time , that I couldn 't face another day of it . I planned a course of action . . . . . . . . . . . . . I took my 45 cal Colt . . . . . . . . . loaded it . . . . . . . . . . and put it to my head so hard it left an imprint . I stood in the dining room that way for some time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . then I realized that Penny wouldn 't be able to live in this house if I did it here . So , I would go up into the woods . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I would just disappear . I called Charlie to say good bye and that I was sorry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . he was all grown up with his own family and wouldn 't need me anymore . He tried to talk to me , but I wouldn 't listen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I had finally given up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I wanted . . . . . . . . needed . . . . . this all to stop . Then I turned my cell phone off . Charlie and Colleen , his wife , tried to get Penny on her cell phone , and by the time they did , I was already gone . Penny came home , found my empty pistol holster laying on the floor just inside the open kitchen door . She searched the house room by room , the gift shop , and our property . . . . . . . . . . afraid of what she would find before entering each room or place . When I wasn 't anywhere at home , she had no option but to call 911 . I was missing for several hours . I sat on a steep hillside where I covered myself with leaves , so that I wouldn 't be easily seen or found . I sat there for hours , trying to think , but my pain and emotions kept drowning out any voice of reason . Hours later , as the sun set , I found that I couldn 't pull the trigger . I walked downhill just below where I was sitting and placed the pistol in an old stump near the creek below me . I returned to my hiding place and covered myself with leaves again . I sat in the dark in the woods . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . struggling with myself . Charlie and I had hunted these woods for quite a few years . . . . . . he told the police where to start looking . Penny sat with her Dad on the back porch steps that faced the mountains above , waiting for news . . . . . . . . . fearing the sound of a shot . A local had seen me go up the road and informed the police . I saw headlights on the road far below me and searchlights sweeping the woods and fields . My name was being called out through loudspeakers . . . . . . . the search for going on for the crazy man with a gun . I am told that there were five State Police cars , local police , search dogs and a helicopter called in that had infra red capability . . . . . . . . . . . . to search for an armed suicidal man . . I eventually decided to turn on my cell phone and it immediately started ringing . . . . . . . . . it was Charlie . He had kept dialing my number in hope that I would eventually answer . He talked me into calling to the search party and revealing my hiding place . I didn 't move . I stayed on the phone with Charlie until law enforcement was at my location . I was in the sitting position and tackled from behind . . . . . . . as I told them I was unarmed . After my hands were cuffed behind my back , I told them where they would find my weapon . I was taken in to custody and admitted for three days in to the psych ward of the nearest hospital that had one . I was released on Saturday and returned to work the following Monday morning . I couldn 't tell my employer . . . . . . . . . . . couldn 't let them know that they had gotten to me . . . . . that I was vulnerable . I feared that if they knew , that they would come after me even harder . Anyone who has read my stories , knows some of the events from my life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . some haven 't been divulged yet . I have been molested , physically and emotionally abused , shot , sexually assaulted , hit by a car on three different occasions , sexually harassed and falsely accused . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . threatened with the loss of my job and the benefits that Penny needed so badly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the reason I took the job so far from home in the first place . I thought that this job would be a new beginning and our salvation . . . . . . . . . . . once again , I was wrong . I believe that my last employer hosts an extremely hostile working environment . I was afraid to return to work for fear of what would happen next . Going to work everyday , was going to school everyday in fear of having to face a bully . . . . . . . just like a child . I could only do it medicated and most of time that didn 't help much . I continue with therapy and medication . I have been told I am being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder . I was raised to keep standing , no matter what happens . Stay strong . . . . . . be a man . Easier said . No charges were filed against me . . . . . I had a permit to carry a concealed weapon and had broken no laws . I will always be my harshest judge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . not being able to forgive myself . . . . . . . . . . . . . for things I know that I have no control over . I wake everyday , anticipating the next attack . . . . . . . . I realize that this is not reasonable , but everyday isn 't about living . . . . . . . . it 's about survival , making it through the day . When faced by someone who has caused me harm . . . . . . . I will always view them as a enemy or antagonist . . . . . . no soothing words spoken with a fast tongue will cause my guard to be lowered . . . . . . . . . . . I tried forgiving once , I was angry with myself for the pain I had to endure because of it . I apologize again to all of my family , who had to endure so much that day . . . . . . . . . for the extreme emotional stress my actions have put you through . You have suffered for my actions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am sorry and I love you . Thank you for loving me . . . . . . . and saving me from myself Enough for today . Tom and I were going to go out before daylight to set up decoys and take a few hours to hunt crows . He spent the night at Grandmoms house and slept in the attic , just as we did when we kids . Grandmom had a Gordan Setter named Blackie . He was an etremely spoiled dog and that 's putting it mildly . If it was raining , he would refuse to go outside without alot of scolding . . . . . . . . . . . . . it was astruggle of the wills and sometimes Grandmom was just to tired to argue with him . This was one of those nights . The bathroom light was left on just in case Charlie had to get up in the night and it illuminated the hallway and the door that led to the attic . After we were all settled in , I heard Blackie roaming around and watched as took a dump on the floor . I didn 't say a word . . . . . . . . . . I just rolled over and went to sleep , as far as I was concerned that dog could do whatever he wanted . Five AM comes early and after I turned off the alarm clock , I laid there and could hear Tommy moving around in the attic , getting ready to come down . I rolled over waited for him to come downstairs before I was getting out of bed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I was still pretty tired and almost wished he would change his mind about going . I laid there as I listened to his decent down the stairs and rolled over as the attic door opened and his foot came down squarely in Blackie 's little gift . I laughed so hard my sides hurt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and Tommy cursed so hard he woke up Grandmom . Tom took his sock off and went into the bathroom to wash up . I know he didn 't think it was funny , but I was still laughing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . when he walked into to the dining room to turn on the lights and stepped in another pile of Blackie 's surprise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . in his bare feet , that was under the light switch . If Tom wasn 't colorful the first time around , he more than made up for it on the second . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I thought I might need medical attention , my sides hurt so bad . Grandmom decided to get up after all this commotion and was none to happy about the noise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or with Blackie . We went crow hunting and even though we were only slightly successful . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it is one of my most memorable hunts . I spent a lot of time in my teen years roaming the creek in town . We set traps in the fall and winter for muskrats and raccoon , caught minnows for bait in the spring and summer and swam in the creek in Eaton Park . There were some really deep holes back then , but are no longer there today . There was an apartment complex in town that I remember being built when I was still pretty young . I was disappointed to see the woods and fields go , but knew that I couldn 't do anything about it . It was September 1974 . Lenny was new at school and it turns out his dad was the superintendent of this apartment complex . I had been to their apartment and met his family , everybody seemed nice enough . I was walking the creek as was my habit and Lenny 's dad called to me . . . . . . . . . . . he wanted to show me something . A vacant apartment on the end of one of the buildings had been broken into and whoever had done it broke through the sheetrock wall to gain access to the occupied apartment next door . He had asked me if I had seen anything , which I hadn 't . Then I thought maybe he suspected me of doing it . The Super talked to me for awhile and then got close to me . . . . . . . . . . from behind he rubbed up against my backside and asked me if I could feel that . At first I didn 't understand , but when he grabbed my hips and started grinding his erection into my rear end , I fully understood . I was frozen in place . . . . . he repeatedly asked if I could feel him . I got my wits about me and pulled away and faced him . . . . . . . . . . this was not going to happen . He tried to talk me into something more , which I told him I couldn 't and wouldn 't do . He made me promise that I wouldn 't tell anyone what had happened before he would let me leave . . . . . . . . . . . I was a bit scared , so I promised . I kept this secret as I had many others . . . . . . . . they all had the same thing in common . I felt if I went home with this story , that I would get my ass kicked from the folks . That I would be teased by my brothers . . . . . . . . . . . . . and the Beast might get more ideas of his own . I couldn 't risk it . I avoided Lenny and the Apartment Complex after that day . I would take the long way around , away from the creek if I was walking through . I wondered if Lenny had experienced something like this . . . . . . . . . . . he was a rough around the edges type of kid . . . . . . . . . . . . . . always seemed to want to prove how tough he was . The super and his family eventually moved away . . . . . . . . . . . and I added this experience to the stockpile of things I had to keep secret . It may be difficult to understand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . bPosted by In the 10th grade in high school I was as green as they come . I didn 't know what I wanted or how to figure it out . I just plodded along , living each day as if they would continue on this way indefinitely . . . . . . . . . . . after all , they always had . I got home from school one day and Mom was in usual form . She was sitting in the living room , . slurring her speech and I just faded out of the room and went upstairs . Around dinner time I came down and asked Mom if we were going to have dinner , which she replied sullenly , that I would be taking care of myself . I looked to see what was available and there wasn 't much . It was curious to me how we could always have booze , but not much food in the house . I ended up calling Grandmom Scarborough She had me look through the cupboards to see what we had and I told her what I could find . The meal for the night was Potato Soup . She explained to me everything that I needed to do and I wrote it down . I was on my first culinary adventure and I hoped that I would get it right because otherwise I was eating toast for dinner again . My friend Joe called to see what was going on while I was cutting potatoes , so I brought him up to date on my afternoon . A little while later Joe was at our door and Mom heard his car in the driveway . I guess she just couldn 't help herself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . she staggered down the hall in to the kitchen , bouncing off the walls along the way . She reached under the counter , opened the door and brought out a bottle of Seagrams 7 . She staggered to stove and wanted to know what I was making , so I told her about it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . she didn 't miss a beat . She opened the whiskey and poured a healthy dose into my soup . She laughed and said " that ought to make it taste better " . She then turned and went bouncing off the walls again , back to the living room , cackling as she went . I felt like crawling into a hole and pulling the dirt in after me . Joe laughed , I guess this seemed funny or maybe he was a litle embarassed as I was . He probably hadn 't seen anything like Posted by Hey All , When a loved one passes . . . . . . . . we each react differently . I usually am one to react emotionally . I had no idea how much emotion I would display when it was all said and done . My Dad was in Bar with his fathers friend , who was spending gold coins for drinking money . Dad , having three small kids at home , traded him 5 dollars for the coin . he didn 't have much free cash , but he recognized an opportunity and tried to seize it . Dads ' Grandmother , Mercy Hart , exchanged 5 dollars with him for the coin when Dad was on hard times . . . . . . . . . . . . . with the understanding that he could redeem the coin for the same price when he had the chance . When that time had come , Mercy reneged and wouldn 't honor her agreement . When Mercy passed , the coin went to her only child , my Grandfather . My Grandfather decided to right a wrong and returned the coin to my Dad . Grandmom Scarborough had passed away around Thanksgiving 1987 , it was a difficult time for all of us who loved her . She was the Matriarch of the clan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you had to know her to understand her intrinsic value to each of us as a person . She didn 't understand her value , impact or importance to her family . In February 1985 and I moved into Grandmoms ' house . My father had given me a cigar box with many old coins in it . He told me to hold on to this box for safe keeping . At the time I didn 't understand . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I would . I removed the bottom drawer from my dresser and put the box under it , then replaced the drawer . I told Tom where it was and what had happened . . . . . . . . . . . . just in case . In this box was a 5 dollar gold coin dated 1888 . As far as I was concerned the coins belonged to my Dad . . . . . . . . . . . . . in May 1986 , I became their caretaker . So it goes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . After Dad had passed , . Grandmom informed me that the gold coin reverted back to her . I didn 't argue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I had to live here . I asked if she wanted me to get it for her . . . . . . . . . . she told me to leave it where it was . I was slightly confused but didn 't pursue it . . . . . . . my mistake . In November 1987 , Grandmom , who was on her death bed was questioned by Dads ' sister " H " . She wanted to know the location of the coin . Grandmom told her what she thought was the truth . . . . . . . . . . only it wasn 't accurate . Dad didn 't reveal the fact that he had given me the box of coins to his Mother . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . including the gold one . I seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I would never shake this sense of bad timing . Carl is my cousin and " H " 's son . He asked about the coin and I told him the story , then produced the coin at his request to view it and then returned it to the box . When Grandmom died . . . . . all kinds of trouble ensued . It seems that Grandmom had a habit of sticking 5 , 10 and 20 dollars bills in junk mail envelopes and there were a few large plastic trash bags full of them in the unused bedroom . Uncle Mike , Dad 's brother had discovered this and took all of the money . . . . . . over 13 , 000 dollars and gave some to one of his children that was there , then put the rest between the mattresses and went to the bar . My two Aunts " H " and " M " found the money while searching and then tore the house apart looking for whatever of value that could be found . . . . . . . . . . it was literally a treasure hunt . My Dad had stored some of his personal valuables in the drawer of the gun cabinet and I removed them and put them in my bedroom so they wouldn 't get swept up in the free for all . When the gold coin hadn 't been found in the search , " H " was told by my uncle that I removed some things from gun cabinet . That was where the coin was kept by Dad , before he gave it to me to hold on to . . . . . . . . . . . . and the location that Grandmom told " H " on her deathbed . I wasn 't aware of any of this until after the funeral . I was assigned to be a pallbearer and then " H " who arranged it all , changed this without explanation . She was very cool towards me and I had cousins and aunts staring at me and whispering . What the " H " was going on ? We had the viewing and when we all were headed to the cemetery , Aunt " M " heard me voicing my confusion as to what was going on . . . . . . . . . and she gave me the story . My temper rose to just below the surface , I was being judged a thief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . when I possessed this coin for over two years . I was replaced as pallbearer by another of " H " s sons . . . . . . . . . . who actually had stolen from Grandmom . Talk about crazy . Carl and his brother held up traffic for the procession which gave me the opportunity to position myself as a pallbearer . " H " called me a thief in front of everyone as she stood directly across from me . She " wasn 't going to allow someone who stole from her mother to carry her casket " . I said " Lady , I didn 't know where you got your information , but you are sadly mistaken . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and there isn 't anybody here man enough to move me " ! I almost said that she already had a thief . . . . . . . . . . . when she allowed her other son to carry it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but this wasn 't the place or time for that . So we had seven pallbearers . Only Carl and I remained graveside after the funeral . I was so upset and started to cry , Carl just hugged me as I let it out . He told me he knew the truth and would set his Mom straight . We each put a shovel of dirt over the casket and said our own private final good bye . When we got back to Grandmoms house after the funeral , I got the whole story from " H " and " M " . I explained what had happened and that Tommy and Carl , who were present , could verify it . . . . . . . . . . . . and I was called a liar . She stated that they were just covering for me and that Grandmom wouldn 't have lied to her . I ended up giving her that coin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it was more important to her than me . It 's ironic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dad had said that " H " always wanted that coin and that she would get it over hiI still have that cigar box and all the other coins in a safe deposit box at the bank . . . . . . . . . . . . every time I see it my mind takes me back to that unpleasant time . Thanksgiving wasn 't what was in the hearts of family . . . . . . . . . . . . . greed and entitlement were . I would happen again with Joe and Mom 's estate at another Thanksgiving . What a life . March 1982 . While in the Army , I was assigned tho the 213th Aviation Co . ( ASH ) APO 96271 at Camp Humphreys Korea . ( South ) . I was assigned there in May 1981 and re - enlisted and stayed for a total of three years . I was getting married and and before that could happen , Charlie was on the way . It wasn 't happening according to plan but , being a Dad was something I just knew I was going to love . His biological mother decided she wanted an abortion when she found out and I was extremely in opposition . We don 't kill babies , there was no middle ground for me . She told me it was her body and she could do what she wanted and I had nothing to say about it . . . . . . . . . . . I thought this over for about 5 seconds and replied that if she did this than we were not getting married . . . . . . . . . period . I reasoned that we talked about having kids and were in agreement . Even though this baby was coming sooner than expected , it was still part of the plan and what she was considering is plain wrong . How could she even be thinking about this ? At that very moment I knew I was getting married to the wrong person . We were married the beginning of October 1983 . She was going stateside and I knew what was happening , but there no options . . . . . . . . . . . forward march . Charlie was born in St Vincent 's , a Catholic hospital in Suwon Korea . in the beginning of 1983 . I wasn 't permitted in the delivery room by the nuns who ran the hospital so I sat on the floor in the hallway across the delivery room . . I was very nervous and as such had a very upset stomach . which caused everyone that walked down the hall to gasp for air as they passed and stare at me . I couldn 't blame them , the foul air was thick . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I could barely stand it myself . Come September I received orders for the NCO Academy . I would be gone for 1 month and farther north in Korea . I wouldn 't be home for our 1st anniversary , but would arrive a few days after . I always told her that if she did something wrong or made a mistake to be upfront about it . I would be upset if I had to hear that something happened from someone else . When I returned from the Academy , she brought this up . She had accepted rides in a car from a Staff Sargent , that she wouldn 't name , to and from Camp Humphreys and some of my friends had seen them together . She wanted me to know in case someone mentioned it . I was naive to say the least . It was a Friday when I came back from the Academy , a few days after our 1st anniversary . Normal marital relations resumed on my return and by the end of the day Saturday , I knew I was in trouble . I experienced some intense pain and from the training classes we received after coming in country , I knew exactly what was wrong . I went to the Dispensary and was treated for VD . I had a variety of emotions running through me at tha time . I was walking around trying to think . What am I supposed to do now ? How do I handle it ? I thought long and hard and decided that there were two options . Make a big fuss and she may leave and take Charlie with her , in which case I would never find them among the thousands of small villages and cities . Or , deal with it and try to let it pass with as few waves as possible . Try to forgive and keep a family together or get upset and God only knows what she will do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I felt I was a man with no real options . . . . . . . . . . . again . When we finally did come to the Sates , I was assigned to Fort Bliss , El Paso , Texas . Within a couple of months she had a boyfriend and at 6 months moved out . She didn 't get her green card while we were still married and as such had to go back to Korea . That as you may know didn 't stop her . Excuse me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I got this as a anniversary gift and would like to return it . If only . . . . . . . . . . . . . When you do they right thing there is frequently a cost that you don 't first consider . Sometimes that right thing is the really the only choice . I have made more mistakes than I care to admit and in retrospect as long as no one had to pay for them but me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . then it wasn 't as bad as it could have been . . . . . . . . . But , Charlie had paid too . Hey All , Many of us have people in our lives that have been family friends for a very long time . As children our parents friends and their children often become friends . Integrity is something I 've always admired . My Dad used say that your name is the only thing you have that defines you to others . What you make that name stand for is up to you . It won 't always be easy and can often cost you something . Don and my Dad were friends for quite awhile . They were around the same age and both enjoyed hunting and fishing , which at times they did together . Sometimes we kids would get to accompany them as observers due to the fact that we weren 't old enough to get our licenses . Tom and I would walk with them but whenever shooting was to begin we would kneel down as our Dad instructed , so we would be well below the line of fire . When we finally got our licenses and were allowed to shoot game ourselves , we never forgot our training . The first pheasant that got up Tom and I , shotguns in hand kneeled down on the ground . Don laughed at Dad over how well he trained us . Don drank quite a bit and Dad didn 't drink much at all . I was 16 and had spent the entire Saturday morning deer hunting in the pouring rain . Dad was on the road and due back that night . I decided to walk back to Grandmoms and get lunch and warm up before I went back out for the afternoon . I walked to the road and realized that I would have to walk the roads back instead of cutting across the fields because the creeks were very swollen and I couldn 't cross . As I walked the road the Game Warden and his deputy came by , checked my license and made sure my shotgun was empty . We talked a little , then they went on their way and I kept on walking up Quarry Rd . As I walked , I scanned the fields as Dad had taught me and saw something in the grass strip that didn 't look right but couldn 't identify . I kept walking , trying to decide if I wanted to expend the energy to walk down the field and investigate . My curiosity got the best of me , so I walked down and discovered a button buck laying in the grass with a bullet hole between his eyes . It was clearly from a rifle , due to the small size of the hole and rifles were illegal to hunt with in this part of the state . Whoever had shot it had to have been on the road two hundred yards away as their tracks would have been visible in the wet field . It had to have been shot the night before because there were no shot heard all day anyWhen Dad got home a little while later , I filled him in on the details of the day and he called Don to let him know he could pick up his key and his truck . Dad now had possession of the deer . When Don came to the front door , he was in a foul mood and proceeded to tell Dad that this was all my fault and I told him to drive down into the field . Dad turned around and asked me to verify my story which I did without hesitation . Don wanted to know who Dad was going to believe , him or a kid . Dad just handed him his key and shrugged his shoulders with his arms out wide , not saying a word . I was proud of Dad for the way he handled this situation . I could have hugged him if he 'd have let me . Their friendship survived this incident , but it didn 't make it past the day when his friend got caught coming out of Grandmoms ' house , when no one was at home , with his hands full with some of Dads ' tools . He tried to justify this act with the fact that Dads ' brother owed him money for quite some time and he thought this was the way to get it back . Dad revoked the hunting privileges of this friend and his sons , as he had authority from the landowner as caretaker for many years . This would later be a problem for me in the future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but that 's another story . . . Hey All . We all get to a point in our lives when we decide we need to alter our paths , change direction or realize we can no longer continue on in the same way . We need to change the standard of what we will and will not accept . I was still with the school district and still missing Dad . I can 't say that I 'll ever stop missing him . Time may have dulled the intensity of my loss , but the loss was so great that I 'll always feel it when Dads ' memory is foremost in my heart . Charlie and I still lived with Grandmom and life was as " normal " for us there as it could be . Joe was in his usual form , he walked by and clipped me with his shoulder and told me he could still " kick my ass " . I let it pass as I always did , just trying to keep the peace . I had nothing to prove to Joe or myself , but I was enabling him just as my folks did by accepting and tolerating this behavior . When I came home from Korea with Charlie and his mother , we stayed at my parents for the month we were there . I was at Grandmoms ' and Joe was bringing Charlie and his mother later in the day . When they got there , I was informed by Charlie 's mother that Joe had made a move on her in nothing but his Fruit of the Loom briefs . I wasn 't shocked by any stretch and I ended up informing Joe that she was his sister in law and not his girlfriend and not to ever do anything like that again . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or we would have a more serious discussion . It was October 1986 and I was lifting weights in the cellar , lights were on and music was playing . It was almost dark outside when Joe came into the cellar for a tool . He turned all the lights off on his way out , leaving me in total darkness and immediately I had a temper flare . I rushed outside and called him a few choice words and informed him what would happen if he didn 't knock it off . An hour later , Tom called and asked if I would look for a deer he was sure he had hit while archery hunting . I wasn 't doing anything , so I agreed and the girl I was dating at the time wanted to tag along . She sat down at the table while I got things together and talked with Joe who was also sitting there . Grandmom and Charlie were busy watching TV . Joe was staring at the table and when she asked him what he was looking for he replied with a crude response for the female reproductive system . Oh boy , I thought , here we go . I reprimanded Joe and stated it was time for us to leave . She stood up and Joe put his hand around her waist and pulled her onto his lap as she tried to pass him . She asked and I demanded , that she be released multiple times , but Joe refused to even listen . I had enough of this nonsense , I grabbed the arm that was holding her down and leaned back , she stood up and took a step . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the rest happened quickly . Joe was mad , he stated that since I wanted to fight . . . . . . . . . . . . . an he stepped in and swung . I ducked and Joe shoved me against a door jamb . He stepped in and my training took over . . . . . . . . . . . and the angry man from deep inside came to the surface . I stabbed with my right and when that fist was coming back the other started out . I saw that Joe was falling after the 1st hit , so I pulled the left and didn 't strike him again . He landed square on his butt which brought Grandmom and Charlie over . There was a lot of yelling and Grandmom got her broom and stood between us . . Grandmom insisted I leave and I refused , I told her that I lived here and he should leave . I was distracted and Joe stepped over and puThe next day at Moms ' house , Joe came down for breakfast . Tom looked at him and broke into laughter . His eye was black and blue . swollen shut . Mom wanted to know what happened but Joe wouldn 't tell her . She called me to find out the circumstances . After explaining , she told me she knew that this day would come because " Joe tormented me all those years " , all I could think was " yeah . . . . . . . and you let him " , but didn 't say it . Joe ended up with 7 stitches over his left eye and Mom wanted me to pay half of Joes ' medical bill , as he had no insurance , which I refused . I told her that Joe brought it to me , he started it and I gave him what he needed for the last 26 years . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I 'd had enough . Keeping the peace is good thing when you can . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and sometimes you have to fight . Everything changed after that day . Joe never again shoved me or tried to start a physical altercation . For some , the hard way is the only language they understand . Until the next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God Bless . In was Sunday , winter and I was in the 9th Grade at Keith Valley Middle School . Joe and Mom went to early Mass while Tom and I were still asleep . We would later ride our bikes to St . John Bosco Church for the 5 o ' clock Mass , which we did on many times in the past . Tom and I had a friend , Jeff , and he and I were spending the afternoon shooting my air rifle at the creek behind his house on Blair Mill Road . Joe had decided to follow along when he saw me walk out the door with the rifle . I couldn 't stop him , although I didn 't invite him either . I was a cloudy , cold and overcast that day . We had a pretty good time all in all and Joe was actually well behaved as compared to what I was accustomed to . It was time for us to get going home because I had to leave enough time to get cleaned up and get to Mass . We were walking in the field across from Home Road , when Jeff wanted to take one more shot . At first I balked at the idea , but as he talked to Joe I relented and loaded the rifle at maximum capacity due to the distance from the creek . . Jeff turned to me and I gave him the go ahead as I handed him the rifle . He was smiling when he lifted the rifle and at 12 inches from my face pulled the trigger and fired . I had only had time to yell " It 's load . . . . " before I was hit in the mouth . The bullet hit a tooth in my left front of my mouth and and then two next to it . . . . . . . . . . leaving a graze mark across my left cheek . The first tooth cracked and other two were knocked loose with a lot of blood . Jeff didn 't say a word , he just looked at me , put the rifle on the ground and walked away towards home . I lay there a few minutes . . . . . . . in shock I guess . Joe took the rifle and when I got myself together we walked home . Joe wanted to know what I was going to tell the folks . Dad was on the road and I feared he would kick my ass for fooling around with a gun or not let me hunt . After some thought , I decided that If fell on a rock crossing the creek , that could explain my injury . . . . . . . . . . so that was story that stood for years for the folks , We got home and I told Mom the story that I had come up with and she accepted it without comment and then reminded me not to be late for Mass . I looked up at the sky and told Mom that was going to snow , to which she told me no excuses , I was going to church . Tom and I got cleaned up and road our bicycles out County Line Road to Church . It was dark when we came out of Church and the snow was coming down so hard that visibility was only a short distance . . . . . . . . . . . there was already a couple of inches on the ground . I followed behind Tom as we road home , with our heads down , trying to see through the snow . As we approached Jacksonville Road in front Fischer & Porter the light there turned red . Tom had stopped already as he had a good lead on me . As I looked down , I saw a bumper and the fender of a car . The tire wasn 't turning , the brakes locked , sliding into me due to the snow on the road . . It kept pace with me as I had to slow down for the red light . I had the curb next to me , the car on my left and red light coming up with cross traffic going the other way . As the car reached my bike , I jumped as hard as I could and hit the top of the chain link fence along the parking lot of F & P . I bounced and hit the ground as the car had stopped after going over my bike . The driver had gotten out to check on me and by this time Tom saw the car over the curb , with me on the ground . Tom came back as the driver was checking on me and said " I saw the whole thing . If you give me 20 bucks , I won 't say anything " . Well , the driver just stared at him and didn 't give Tom any money . He just drove away and left us standing there when he realized I wasn 't injured . I had to drag my bike home from there and Tom just coasted along to stay with me . Mom was pacing around the street light at the bottom of Norwyn Road , in the falling snow , when we got there . She was angry and wanted to know why were so late . I explained to her the details and she thought I was lying . I showed her my bike and asked if it looked like I was lying . All she could say was I think back and wonder how I am still alive . The gun that shot me is the same one I shot Tom with in the story " John Wayne " . Any lower and the bullet would have gone in the back of my throat . . . . . . . a little higher and it would have gone through my cheek to the back of my head . Either way , I may have been killed . . . . . I got off easy . Jeff never checked to see if I was okay , so I went to Jeff 's house after a week and knocked on the door . He answered and I explained that I was okay and I knew this was an accident . . . . . . . . . . . . . that there were no hard feelings . Regardless , that was the end of our friendship . I guess he couldn 't get past what had happened , as he avoided Tom and I from that point forward . I eventually stopped riding bicycles . . . . . . . it wasn 't a healthy mode of transportation for me . Yeah . . . . . . more stories . No one needs to tell me the odds of surviving two such accidents in one day . There is no doubt in my mind that I was protected by the invisble hand of God that day . No one 's that unlucky and lives to tell about it without divine intervention . I would come to wonder why I was permitted to live . . . . . . . . . . especially after I became older and more of my life unfolded . Enough for today . In early 1981 , I was assigned to HHC 3rd Brigade at Ft Lewis , Washington State . This was just below Seattle and was a new assignment for me at this Military Post . I had been reassigned from HHC 2 / 47th Infantry Battalion . I had left friends but , fortunately they were only 100 hundred yards away . Rick was one of these friends . He had the rank of SP4 and was from Altoona , Pennsylvania . He was married to Korean woman and she was 8 months pregnant with their child . They lived off post in an apartment just around the corner from an apartment that I shared with Mike , who was a motorpool mechanic at my last assignment . Rick liked a good time like anyone else and attended parties we had hosted from time to time . He had knocked on the door one Saturday and asked to borrow money until payday . He needed to fix his car brakes for inspection . I lent him the 20 bucks he needed and he went on his way . A few days later , he was back with a friend who had turned 21 and he wanted to take him out to celebrate . He wanted tomorrow another 20 bucks until payday , which I obliged . The next morning we were up at 4 : 45 AM getting ready to report for formation of the troops . There was an knock at the door and my former Company Commander and 1st Sergeant were at the door . They had bad news . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rick was killed in a car accident . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the details were even worse . I knew that Rick was a prejudiced man against African Americans . We carpooled to work and he would make comments about them as we passed a black person along the road . . . . . . . . . . . . . . That 's 10 points he would say and swerve towards them . Rick and his buddy had been out drinking . . . . . . . . . . . . on their way back there was a black man walking along the road and Rick ran him over and ended dragging him to decapitation . In fleeing the scene at high speed , he took a long curve over a railroad bridge and lost control and went over the railing onto the tracks . Rick was ejected and the car landed on top of him , the friend survived but was in ICU for a while . The murdered man was from 2 / 2nd Infantry . . . . . . . . a sister Battalion in 3rd Brigade . Rick had a son that he never saw and I felt a little guilty for lending him the money . I know that everybody sins . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and will pay for those sins , sometimes without hesitation . I also realize that although I aided in his outing with a friend . . . . . . . . . . that I didn 't have a part in his actions . Rick had good qualities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but whatever was in his heart that directed his actions that night , left a great deal of heartbreak for the family of the man he murdered and for the wife and son he left behind . I will be sorry for their pain as long as I live . Until Next Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God Bless . Hey All , We all have an inheritance . We work because Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I 'm going to have a serious discussion with those two when the day comes . When our parents died , we eventually settled their estate . We got more than we bargained for . In March 2005 , Mom passed away and left no will . Tom and I decided that Joe could still live in her house as long as he paid all of the bills . We couldn 't afford additional expenses as we each had mortgages etc of our own . I found out later that someone was telling people at Mom 's funeral that Penny and I were throwing him out on the street . . . . . . . . . . and so it goes . In 2008 , Tom and I decided that our situations were hard enough that we had to sell Mom 's house . Even though we owned 1 / 3 each , we couldn 't gain access because Joe changed the door locks . According to Joe , Mom told him she was leaving the house to him alone , when she was drunk one night . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . as far as he was concerned that was the way it was going to be . I got a lawyer to settle the estate and Joe got his own . We tried to list the house for sale and which Joe fought us . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . we had to go to orphans court to compel the sale . During all of this we all were paying a penalty on inheritance tax , we only had 9 months from Mom 's passing to settle her estate without penalty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and the penalty increases along with legal fees . When we got a realtor , Joe called them and complained threateningly about their sign . Then he changed the locks so they couldn 't get in . We had a buyer at our asking price and the locks were changed again . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the buyer walked away . The housing market crashed and we lost $ 30 , 000 . The realtor brought another buyer only to find that there were no light bulbs in the house . Joe told the realtor to bring their own . We had to threaten orphans court again because of this and the light bulbs returned . It was suggested to Tom and I , by Mom 's siblings , that we should give Joe the house for taking care of Mom . He took her shopping , cut the grass etc . and she washed his clothes , cooked his dinner and packed his lunches for work . Their relationship was symbiotic . . . . . . . . they each had their roles . He would run to the liquor store . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . she 'd buy it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . he 'd fly Until next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God Bless . Hey All , This is one of those stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . maybe to graphic or personal for young people . I 'm going to tell a story no one had ever heard until a year ago . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and then I only told it because I was specifically asked a personal question . Seems the VA is doing a survey . Maybe it was better kept as a secret but , I had come to a point of no return in my life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . so I didn 't care anymore . June 1979 . I went to Columbia , South Carolina for Basic Training . Fort Jackson was really a hot place in the summer . I was looking forward to a new life . The military was structured and disciplined by most accounts and I was anxious to start fresh from the life I had known up until this point . I had hope that I could have a normal life , that I would be given a chance to prove myself and be treated as everyone else . I was a fool . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . people are still sinners , even in the military . The next part of my life begins . . . . . . We got to Columbia by train from Philadelphia . It was an overnight trip and I got drunk on Southern Comfort bought by a guy in Philly . I was hungover but sobered quickly when we got there . The Drill Sergeants were yelling just inches from our faces They were SGT 's Blenis and Powell . I 'm not sure how but I ended being chosen as assistant squad leader for the 4th squad . The squad leader was a female and as such I acted as squad leader for the 4th squad in the male barracks . I had found favor with Sgt Powell for some reason and he always treated me with respect as soldier and a person . One night he had CQ , which is Charge of Quarters . He was responsible for the Company overnight . CQ 's had runners , enlisted that would go and check on things or occupy Company Headquarters while the CQ did security checks . Normally there is one runner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but this night there were two . There was a female soldier who was attracted to me and I her . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . she and I had duty together that night . Drill Sergeant talked to us and told us that we could do whatever we wanted for the next hour but told us not to do it on the Commanders desk . You don 't need a road map here . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but back then I did . I never had sex and was very uncomfortable with what was expected of us . We left and wandered around Headquarters until our hour was up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . no sex or even a kiss . Yeah , I realize what many guys would have done . . . . . . . . . but I honestly and maybe foolishly wanted my first sexual experience to count for something , more than just the experience of sex itself . I wanted control for once in my life over something I felt was so very personal . I was an idiot . When we got Basic Training , we all were immunized against God knows what . I ended up ill from something and was found late at night on a security check by SGT Powell . He called for medical assistance and I had an upper respiratory infection and a fever of 102 . I had to be removed from the barracks and was taken to the hospital and admitted while I was still ill and contagious . I was given medications for the symptoms and the usual hospital attire . I awakened in the night . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . because I had ejaculated . I sat up and was confused . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I was exposed . My penis was wet but there was no semen . I sat there trying figure out what was going on . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it didn 't make sense or register with me . Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the the dark by the door . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I looked with just enough time to see someone running out the door . I immediately understood what had happened and had a temper flare . I was going to kick somebody 's ass . I got myself together and ran out in the hallway . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . nobody insight . I started a room to room search and then realized after awhile that I would not find this person and returned to my room and remained awake the rest of the night . I don 't know who it was or if they were male or female . I only know that I was robbed of my personal choice . Yeah , I know that most guys would look at like so what 's the big deal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you got oral sex , wish it was me . It was and is a big deal . It 's not about the physical act , it 's about having a say for change about something very personal in my life . If I was a female , then it would be viewed differently ? A day later , I was released and returned to my Company . I will never be the same person or will I ever view my life the same way . I thought I was free from the past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I only had reaffirmation that I would never be safe and I was angry with myself for being an idiot and expecting that things would change for the better . What 's wrong with me ? What can I do to stop these things from happening ? I would find an answer but it wouldn 't be the one I was looking for . Until next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God Bless . Hey All , There are some people that fail to see things , especially when it comes to themselves . In some ways they are naive , in others , things that are hidden jump out at them . It 's just how their brains are wired . . . . . . . . . it can lead to some interesting outcomes . It was January 1996 . I was a regular attendee at church and Charlie was involved in the youth group . I sang in the choir and attended extra church functions on a regular basis . I had met Mark and Becky at church and would see them on regular basis at different events . I was a single parent at this time , which is not unheard of for fathers these days . I had opportunity to talk with both of them on many occasions and in one of these , I revealed my story of being a divorced dad . Becky asked the usual questions that many women have asked me regarding my circumstances . When she got to the dating part , I answered that I wasn 't , which was true . I had become extremely " gun shy " by this time in my life as do many from dates that don 't work out or relationships that don 't end well . I would view everyone as a friend and was so naive that if a woman was showing an interest in me that I wouldn 't notice . I told Becky that woman would have to hit me with sledgehammer to get my attention . I just thought these women were being nice . Believe it or not some people consider me intelligent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . just not when women were concerned . Becky 's sister had also attended our church . Her name is Penny , and she had introduced herself to me and in usual fashion I treated her as anyone else . . . . . . . . . . . . . friendly . Of course , I didn 't notice the way Penny looked at me and when she made soup for me when I was sick . . . . . . . . . . . . . I thought she was just being nice . . . . . . . . um , Duh . This went on for some time , until the Sunday when Becky who was sitting behind me handed me a manila folder . I opened it and there was an artist sketch of Penny holding a sledgehammer , which a friend of hers from work had drawn for her . It took me a second to realize what this meant as Becky sat there with a big smile . Penny and I have been married for 14 years now . I can 't say for sure how things today would be if it wasn 't for that sledgehammer . I do know that I 'm glad that somebody pointed me in the right direction . Come to think of it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that sketch did look pretty intimidating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . just kidding ! I love you Penny . I was a self - employed Plumbing - HVAC contractor for 17 years . I have worked in many houses and buildings for a lot of different people . The Parks Farm was one of my favorite and most memorable jobs . The owners were great people and a pleasure to work for . I 've done quite a few different jobs at the farm from plumbing , heating and electrical . On this particular day in early March , it was quite cold . We still had frost every morning , but all of winters ' snow was gone . The toilet in the addition to old farmhouse overflowed all the time . After checking it out , I determined that their was a problem with the buried sewage line . The owners had a friend they always used for excavation work by the name of Floyd . They made arrangements for Floyd to come and dig the line and since it was cast iron and buried for many years , I was to replace it with PVC . I met Floyd at the farm that morning and he had his backhoe already in place . I wore my carhart insulated coveralls since it was so cold and had a big cup of coffee since I couldn 't do anything until it was all dug up . About halfway through the dig I could see somebody had already replaced 10 feet of the sewage line with PVC . Floyd however couldn 't see it from his position and got hooked on the end of the Pipe . PVC is flexible and that pipe bowed in a great big arc . Problem was it was packed full with raw sewage and the farmhouse had brand new vinyl siding and windows installed recently . Floyd could tell he was caught , but not on what and kept pulling to get free . He did and it flung sewage all over the side of the house with such force that it went through the screens to the windows . It was a mess ! The whole side of the old farmhouse was just coverd in sewage . . . . . . . . . . . . . except in one place , in the shape of a guy holding a coffee cup . I had barely enough time to close my eyes as I realized what was going to happen . I stripped of my coveralls and washed my face in the house . Floyd could see what happened just after he got his bucket free . . It must have been a sight because hiUntil next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God Bless . Hey All , We all plan for the future . Whether it 's for the day or the next year , we each plan our lives to some extent . When we were in High School , all of us had some idea what we wanted to do next and made arrangements in kind . We plan and God laughs . It was January 1979 . I went through school with absolutely no idea what I was going to do as a career when I graduated . I didn 't apply myself very much to any of the classes I took , I didn 't need to because in our house no one cared much about what grades you got . No one checked homework and parents signed off on report cards without much comment . All that was required was a passing grade , not your best effort or living up to your potential . knew that I was going to be on the hook for the full ride . I was a Library Aide , so I asked Mrs Sloss what I had to do to get any financial aide that I might qualify for . She explained how things worked and I went to Guidance to get the necessary forms to fill out . I took them home and filled out what I could and had to ask Mom for their financial info to be able to complete them . It was then that I had a problem . . . . . . . . . . . Mom was drunk as usual and wanted to know why I needed it . After I explained it to her and she looked at the forms she said " It 's nobody 's f * * * * * * * business how much money we make . . . . . . . . . I 'm not telling you and your not going " . . I dropped the whole idea after that , I was too embarassed to tell anyone what happened . Dad was on the road and unavailable and I wasn 't sure when he 'd be back . A week or so after this Mom came out into the kitchen , drunk again and informed me that when I turned 18 years old , I had to get out of the house . I asked if Dad knew about this and she replied that he did . Joe still lived at home and was 21 at this time . Since my 18th birthday was a couple of weeks away , I asked if I could stay until I graduated . She considered this for a moment and agreed . I was hurt by this and wondered why I had to leave and Joe could stay . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it turned out that Tom could stay too . Now I felt the pressure to come up with something so I wasn 't going to be jobless and homeless . I ended up enlisting in the Army . After my birthday , I signed up for the delayed entry program and would report on June 25th for Basic Training . After all the arrangements were solid , I told Mom what I had done and she got mad . She said she wouldn 't sign for me and I explained that at 18 , she had no say about it . Of course Dad didn 't know what I had done either . The day came shortly before Dad passed away that we had a conversation about this at Grandmoms ' house . Grandmom was there but Mom wasn 't . I explained what had happened and he just sat there for a minute looking at me in disbelief . He then stressed the point that he had no idea that this had occured and wouldn 't have agreed if he had . He then talked about how many things he missed not being at home so much because of his job . He felt bad about it for me and angry at Mom at the same time . He knew his time was short from the doctors prognosis and he had a lot of regrets . I explained that everything was okay , I didn 't fault him for what happened . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it is what it is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . even if what it is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . isn 't what we hoped for . Hey all , My father was a man it took me a long time to understand . He would get frustrated sometimes and lose his cool with an explozive anger that I had a healthy respect for . His father was an alcoholic and my grandfather was not a kind man when drunk . I 'm not making excuses for Dad , just cutting him some slack . He learned to be a father from his father . Which means nobody showed him much in the way of nurturing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pretty much the opposite . " The sins of father will be visited upon the next generations " . It was a cold day in November at my Grandparents house . We three boys had spent the day raking leaves and other chores that Dad gave us . . It was getting dark as we finished up and Grandmom was busy making dinner . I could smell the aroma of home cooking as soon as I got through the back door . Dinner wasn 't ready yet so we all sat and watched TV with Grandpop . He had a stroke before I was born and his right side was mostly paralyzed . He usually would sit and smoke his pipe as he looked out the window across town or towards Buckingham Mountain . If it was nice outside , he would sit outside as we worked on whatever the chores for the day were . He never said much , but could utter curse words with no problem at all . Grandmom had the table set and she set up a tray for Grandpop , because with all of us boys there with Dad there wasn 't much room at the table and he couldn 't maneuver very well . He sat by the colonnade so he was facing the table and so he could take the meal with everyone else . Grandmom called us for dinner . Dad sat at the end of the table and Joe my older brother , was seated on his left . Joe usually got to the table first at mealtime and usually was the last to leave . There weren 't any leftovers as a rule . Dad had already started eating by this time and his head was down towards his plate , so he didn 't see what happened next . I couldn 't squeeze between Joe and Grandpops ' stuffed chair . Joe leaned back with his left arm and tried to move a tall stand type ashtray with a heavy metal tray in it . He didn 't do so well because it fell to floor with a crash . The metal tray hit a gallon jug of Vina Duva red wine and broke the glass . Wine was all over the floor . Everything was silent for a moment . I looked from Joe to the mess on the floor and back again . He didn 't make a move to clean it up , so I bent over and started to pick up the pieces . That turned out to be a mistake . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . as far as Dad was concerned it was an admission of guilt . The next thing I knew I was jerked backwards by my shirt and slammed into a wall . I got slapped in the face a few times , that resulted in wetting myself . I instinctively brought my hands up to cover my face , which only served to piss him off more . . He then hit me in the middle , so I dropped to floor and tried to curl up in ball . That resulted in getting kicked . When this was done he grabbed me by the shirt collar and lifted so high that I had to stand on my toe tips . I walked me to the back door that way and had me open it . . . . . . . I was then tossed outside . He turned the backdoor light off and went back inside . A few seconds later the door opens and he tosses out my winter coat . That was considerate because it was snowing by then . He ordered me to get in our car and stay therWhen all this was happenning , I could hear my Grandmother yelling that I didn 't do it . I could hear my Grandfather too . That in itself was unusual because of his difficulty in getting words out . When they finally came out of the house everybody had their meal were quiet . The ride home was just as quiet , not a syllable . I wasn 't guilty but I was the one to pay Dad had great difficulty admitting that he was wrong and saying he was sorry . I went to bed hungry and upset . Dad was one for kicking your butt first and asking questions later and this was not the only time that someting like this happpened . If I learned anything from my him , it was " don 't jump to conclusions " . I spent a lot of time trying to understand and please my Dad . It took almost all of the time that I knew him to even get an idea . Until next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God Bless . Hey All , We all do things that we wish we wish we could take back or do over . It would be nice to have a big red " do over " button we could hit . Everything that happens affects the future , even if we can 't see it or notice it . Tom and I spent a lot of time together as kids . We spent great deal of this time at Grandmoms ' in Buckingham . We would hunt in the fields across the road or down the mountain , fish in the creek down at Doc Taylors and bring suckers home for dinner that Grandmom would make fried fish cakes . Sometimes we would get bored . . . . . . . and that would lead to trouble , especially on this one particular summer day . We were in our mid teens . We spent a lot of time watching television and westerns . We were raised in a be tough , be strong , " don 't cry or I 'll give you something to cry about " type of male dominated family . John Wayne was kind of like the image of mascilinity to srtive for . I was by nature , a quiet , non aggressive kid , who had to exert myself to be the rough and tumble kind , the son my father expected . Although I was thought to be intelligent , that was valued on par with being a mans ' man . I didn 't know how to be that son . Tommy was by nature that son . He had the valued intelligence and the strong male persona that my Dad respected and expected . A lot of the time growing up I would watch Tom and imitate his behavior to try and learn what to do , so that I might earn my Dad 's approval , his positive attention , his rough style of affection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . just like Tommy had . Dad was out on the road as usual . It was a hot Friday afternoon as we sat in the lawn chairs under the big maple tree outside of Grandmoms ' house . We were bored and didn 't know what to do with ourselves as we spent this time in idle conversation . We each had our own pellet rifles and we decided to take them out across the road and see what we could get into , after all nothing else was happening . We walked the edge of the field up and down and after getting nothing but useless exercise , sat down on a fallen tree . This wasn 't helping our relentless sense of boredom . I don 't recall who came up with this brilliant idea , but after talking about western movies , it was decide that we would get behind trees and shoot at each other . Yeah , I know , this was not the intelligence that my fathered admired . We took refuge behind the biggest trees available , at 30 feet apart , which protected us each completely . . The agreement was that we would only pump the rifles 3 times . That hardly mattered because even at that , if hit in the wrong place it could be fatal . I only exposed my arms as I pointed the gun blindly around the big tree and shot in Toms ' general direction . After each shot , we would have to cock , load and re - pump the rifles . I forgot myself and pumped it more than 3 times . With my back against the tree , I held the rifle in my left hand and pulled the trigger with my right thumb . I immediately heard a yelp from Tom and then then his yell that I hit him . My heart was racing as I ran out to where he was standing and saw blood on the ground and he was nowhere insight . He had ran straight to Grandmoms ' and ran so fast I didn 't see him until I got there . Grandmom didn 't drive so she called a friend and took Tom to the doctor . An Xray showed that the bullet had gone into his arm , a few inches above his wrist , traveled up his arm a few inches and lodged against the bone . Grandmom was upset with us to say the least and Tommy had told her it was an accident , a ricochet . If they knew how this really happened , Dad would have kicked our asses for sure . He may have taken away our hunting privileges as well . It was a good thing Tom thought fast on his feet . It was late in the day , so Tommy had to wait until Monday for surgery to remove the bullet . The doctor said it wasn 't life threatening so it would be alright . Come Monday , when taken to get it removed , the doctor used a pair of tweezers . From using his arm , the muscle action had worked the bullet to just below the surface and surgery wasn 't required . God looked after us that day . What are the odds that not aiming , not even looking , that I would hit Tommy in the only exposed part of his body ? How about the fact that his injury wasn 't serious and that surgery was avoided because it was deferred ? We made a lot of mistakes back then and we learned to respect firearms without the steep price it could have cost us . We were left without any parental supervision , no guidance , most of the time . Without our guardian angels , we wouldn 't be here today . How many times would I come to find out that this was true ? Time would tell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and so will I . |
Several of you have asked for more and there is more in several blogs , beginning with My first love Albert . We had known each other in Brazil growing up . He was four years older than me and we didn 't fall in love until my sophomore year at Baylor University . We went to Brazil to get engaged but an unexpected event changed the course of our romance . In My first romance I met Steve , while I was still married to Walton . I fell deeply in love , and finally experienced sex for the first time . I eventually divorced Walton , and Steve and I continued our romance . Then I moved to Dallas because my mother had returned from Brazil to be treated for cancer , and Steve moved to Paris . I met a man named Rich , who I thought was finally " the man of my dreams , " but I ended up Paris bound to marry Steve instead . In No love in the city of love I found out that Steve had no intentions of getting married right away , and there was a girl named Suzy with whom he had been involved , and she was still in love with him . I returned to Dallas and married Rich . This was my second marriage and it was a walking disaster from beginning to end . The saga is narrated in Walking on Eggs . Finally I married for the last time . I met a Brazilian man named Ivo . We fell in love and got married very quickly . Then we travelled to Brazil to meet his family and the rest of the story leads to twenty years of being single , and finding out that in my search for my soul mate , I found my soul It is well with my soul . Recently I found I beautiful letter from my mother , which she had written while I was in France to see Steve . She died less than a year later , and I cherish the advice that she gave me about Steve and Rich . It shows that Mom is always right ! A loving letter from Mom After my divorce from Danny , I waited eleven years before I got married again . I was finally happy and content . I had dated several men , but never was willing to make a commitment to marry . I had not been awarded tenure at the university where I had been teaching Portuguese because I didn 't have a Doctorate , so I moved on , and did some modeling and voice - overs for TV and radio along with continuing with my singing . I joined the Tall Texans of Dallas Club and became Miss Tall Dallas and was 1st runner - up for Miss Tall International . I was sixteen years older than the winner who stood 6 feet tall . I was only 5 ' 11 " . It was a fun year because I got to make TV appearances , do radio interviews and travel representing our Dallas Club . I also became a flight attendant for a major airline , flying the Dallas - Rio de Janeiro route . After a year the route was discontinued due to cultural and political issues at the time . Being a flight attendant was tough , but I enjoyed our lay - overs in Rio where I had grown up . Then I met a Brazilian man named Ivo , in Dallas . Since my upbringing was in Brazil , it seemed like he could be my " soul mate . " It made sense , our outlook on life was Brazilian and we only spoke Portuguese together . Plus , the attraction and feeling of excitement were instant . He was 6 ' 4 ″ tall , a great dancer and very good looking . When we danced the samba and other Brazilian dances , the floor would clear and we became the show . His parents lived in Brazil , up north in Recife . We got married before I met them . So , a few months later , we flew to Recife so I could meet them , his bother and sisters . I had never been " up north " and did not realize how hot it was and there was no air conditioning , so inside , it could be very hot and muggy . The beaches were beautiful , however , and I had a great time getting to know this exciting city . We were there during Carnival and danced all night , three nights in a row , at the private club where my husband 's father was Manager . He also attacked a man in a Club , who dared to ask if I was " Xuxa , " a blond Brazilian star … a lot of people thought that I was in fact , her . This made me the center of attention when we went out , and Ivo worried about my safety . He and his brother were policemen , so they carried their guns to protect me . I was walking on eggs , trying not to make Ivo mad . If he thought that I had looked in the direction of another man , he would sulk for hours . This made the trip extremely unpleasant . Ivo was working non - stop , to be able to send an enormous amount of money to his mother , after his father died . True to Brazilian customs , the oldest son steps in to take care of the mother . Even though we were in the U . S . and she was in Brazil , our lives revolved around her . About a year and a half later , I decided that I could no longer live this way . After Ivo left for work , I put all his belongings in bags and left them at the front door with a note , saying : " Isto não está funcionando , " translation , " This is not working . " I knew that this decision would be permanent , and that Ivo would never forgive me . It would injure his male pride , but , my American side had taken over . This finally ended my desire to ever get married again or find my soul - mate . I was making the wrong choices in men , and there seemed to be something about me that brought out the worst in them . Recently I retired and moved to a great city , where my Dad , sister and niece live . I bought a beautiful Townhome with views of the mountains and gorgeous sunsets . I have not dated at all and have found a peace within myself that can only be fulfilled by a deep trust in God . To quote a famous hymn , " It is well , it is well with my soul . " Danny was my great love . The night we met , I was at a Club in Dallas where a Latin group , The Paranas , was playing . I would go there often and this night they invited me up on the stage to sing with them . During one of the breaks an incredibly handsome man came to my table and asked if he could join me . I knew from that instant that sparks were going to fly … and boy did they ! The chemistry was instant and I fell in love with him right then and there . He was a singer also and had an interesting background . He had almost made it big in Hollywood , and had performed as a weekly guest singer on the Arthur Godfrey Show . Danny was 13 years older than me , and at the time of this show I was 7 years old and my family was moving to Brazil . I never did see the show , but I imagine that I would have had a big crush on him . From the pictures I 've seen , he was " to die for ! " He was an up and coming star , and was friends with Charlton Heston , Tony Bennett and many other stars of that era who were just starting out . Just as " his star " was rising in Hollywood , he became ill with walking pneumonia , and had to move away to a dry climate to recover . He lost his singing voice for several years along with his chance to become a big singing sensation . His father had immigrated from Italy , and Danny had grown up in Chicago , where he had been a star basketball player in High School . His real name was Davy Matz . He didn 't go to college , instead went to Hollywood when his " voice " was discovered . His name was changed to Danny Martell . He had been described as a mix between Al Martino and Frank Sinatra . Once his chance at stardom had evaporated , he began selling encyclopedias door to door and eventually became one of the top Executives at Encyclopedia Britannica . He had been living and working in California and had recently moved to Dallas to become a Division Manager . Back to the night club in Dallas . After the show , Danny walked me to my car , and strangely , his car was parked right next to mine . It was a black Cadillac Seville and inside was a German Sheppard named Coby . I have always been an animal lover , and knew that a guy who took his dog with him when he went out to a Club , would qualify as a very nice guy . The next night we had dinner together and our love affair began . I was still teaching at the university in Arlington , about 30 miles from Dallas , but at that time I was living in an apartment in Dallas . It was during the time that I was having to move constantly because of my ex - husband 's stalking . Danny lived in Highland Park , Dallas , in a home that he was renting . I told him about my situation and he became very protective of me and wanted me to stay with him so I would be safe . It was soon after this that Rich died , and Danny went with me to the strange funeral service on Halloween night . With the burden of fear lifted from me , we had a wonderful time together , going to shows , out to romantic dinners , meeting with friends , travelling , it was a magic time . We would also sing together for our friends and in Clubs . One of our favorite songs was " If you go away . " Danny had been married for about three years in California and had divorced before moving to Dallas . He had a son who was one year old who lived with his ex - wife in California . I soon found out that Danny was obsessed with getting custody of his baby son . He wanted him to come live with us . Danny travelled back and forth to California a lot to see his son and to deal with legal matters . He would be extremely depressed each time he returned from his trips and sometimes wouldn 't talk to me for a couple of days , and I would stay at my place . He was afraid that the mother of his child would get married again and he would lose him . We had been planning to get married and had set the date . I had moved most of my belongings into his house , but still had kept my apartment . After one trip , Danny asked me if it would be OK if Jay came to live with us as soon as we got married . I had just started a new semester at school , and I thought that we should wait a few months until summer , so I wouldn 't be teaching and we could both adjust to having a one year old baby . This was the wrong answer , and the next day Danny called a moving company and had my things moved back to my apartment . Our marriage was off . We did get married , his son came to live with us , but it was not happily ever after . Danny would leave me and Jay alone , sometimes for a week or more , and we would never know where he was . Then he would appear , crying , promising he 'd never leave us again . Then one day he asked for a divorce . He said that his ex - wife had agreed to give him full custody of his son , if he divorced me and then he added : - " He needs me more than you do . " This was the last straw for me and I moved out . It was so hard , especially since Jay and I had grown really close and I loved him as if he were my own . He was a sweet and beautiful child , and I worried about his upbringing . He was always aware when Danny was in one of his moods , and wasn 't talking to me . He 'd say , " Poppa , say hello to Sondra . " Danny would call me Sondra when he was mad at me . The rest of the story is very similar to my other relationships . Once I was gone , he wanted me back , and tried everything , including counseling . The counselor could see that my trust in him was gone , and that I wanted out of the marriage . He eventually did get custody of Jay , and they apparently had a great relationship , until Danny died in 2009 . The son became a famous commentator and writer . He is seen on television all the time . Several years ago , I ran into a woman who had worked with Danny at Encyclopedia Britannica . She said , - " So you were the one married to the famous gambler ! " I didn 't know what she was talking about . She said that he was well known in Las Vegas and Palm Springs . Apparently all the trips that he was taking while we were married were to gamble . He was completely broke when we divorced , but I thought it was from all the legal bills involving custody of Jay . I saw the tribute that Jay put up on You Tube when Danny died . All the pictures made me very sad for what could have been . He remained a very handsome man until the end . Everyone had believed that we were meant to be together and we looked like the perfect couple . I had loved him with all my heart and deep down I still do . After Rich 's death I felt very sad and even guilty . I kept having memories of a day when Rich and I had gone out to the lake and I had decided to go in the water for a swim . After a few minutes , I realized that the boat was pretty far away , and I called to Rich to bring the boat around so that I could get out of the water . I was starting to feel cold . Rich began speeding towards me and I thought that he was going to run over me . He would swerve at the last moment and I would get drenched from the waves the boat would create . He did this several times and I was afraid that I was drowning . Finally he let me on the boat and said I looked like a drowned rat . I screamed at him , " I hope you drown in this lake someday . " That was the lake in which he drowned several years later . I had dreams about this event many times . It was if I was drowning in memories . I also wondered what had actually happened . The newspapers said that there was a guy with him on the sailboat who saw him fall overboard . He had tried to throw a life saver to him , but he couldn 't get close enough and had lost control of the boat . He said he saw Rich disappear under the waves . With time these nightmares went away . But I couldn 't help but think that I had somehow predicted his death . Rich had two step brothers who inherited all of his wealth . He also had a half sister , whom he hated , who got nothing and started an investigation into Rich 's will . One day I got a phone call from a lawyer , who asked if I was Rich 's ex - wife . I confirmed that I was , and he said that Rich had left me $ 20 , 000 . On his life insurance policy he had not changed the beneficiary form from me to his half brothers , and the money had been paid to them in error . Little did I know , flying back from Paris , that I was about to enter the worst time of my life . After I arrived in Dallas , Rich and I went to lunch . He poured his heart out and said that we should get married right away . My leaving had made him think about the fact that he almost lost me and he never wanted that to happen again . He said that his jealousy and temper had been because he could never be sure that I belonged to him . Marriage would change that because he would no longer be insecure about our love . My mother was not happy about this plan and wanted us to wait . She knew that I wasn 't completely over Steve . I had received a post card from Switzerland from Suzy . She and Steve were spending a week there in the mountains , skiing . At the end of the card , Steve signed his name and said " hello . " I cried for hours - that was supposed to have been my honeymoon . I wondered if I had made a horrible mistake by leaving Steve . Rich , however , was on his most charming behavior and I became convinced that I had made the right decision . He bought a beautiful quadruplex as an investment . We would live in one of the apartments and he would lease the others . He put me in charge of decorating and the budget was unlimited . He also bought a boat so that we could go skiing at the lake , which we loved to do when we first met . I gave in and agreed to get married right away . We had a small ceremony at the church where my parents and I were members . I started the decorating project , Rich was painting the outside of the building , and for a few weeks we were extremely happy . One day I was helping him paint the banisters on the porch upstairs and suddenly he started screaming at me saying that I couldn 't do anything right . The criticisms began again , and his mood swings got really bad . I never knew when he would blow up . I became very afraid of him . One night when he was supposedly away on a trip , I woke up and there was the shadow of a man standing over the bed . I was terrified ! Rich had returned , thinking that he would catch me in bed with someone . I didn 't want to tell my mother , her cancer had come back , and she was dying . I had to sneak visits with her when Rich was on trips for his job . My father and I had never been close and I had no one to help me . Mom died on the 23rd of February . My life took a downward spin , I didn 't care what happened anymore and I started drinking with Rich . This seemed to make him happy . One of his criticisms was that I didn 't drink and that I was " no fun . " The alcohol made my life bearable , I thought . It also kept me from feeling the pain of losing my beloved mother and friend . However , I started having black - outs and would wake up in the morning with bruises , and one time when I was having a doctor 's check up , she asked me if I had been raped . I finally came out of the daze and decided to enroll at the University to get my teacher 's certificate . I had a Master 's but to teach in High School the certificate was needed . I taught in High School for two years when Walton and I were married but with an emergency certificate . I had never completed all the courses needed . This decision changed the course of my life because I was no longer held captive by Rich . One of my teachers could sense that something was terribly wrong , and I was able to tell him about my predicament . He recommended that I see Jerry , a friend of his who was a counselor . Rich did not like this idea and would not go with me . One day during a counseling session Rich crashed the session , and told my counselor that he needed to fix this Brazilian wife of his . He sat there and told Jerry about everything that was wrong with me . Jerry tried to reason with him . He then started yelling and accused us of having an affair . Jerry had already figured out that Rich was dangerous but this encounter confirmed his belief . He told me that I needed to find a way to leave my husband . I didn 't know how to accomplish this and didn 't want a second divorce . I blamed myself for not being able to make Rich happy . What was wrong with me ? Why was I always walking on eggs trying to please him and failing ? Jerry tried to help me figure out what my problem was . He said that due to my upbringing in Brazil , with my parents as missionaries , I had the desire to help others . Instead of picking the " prince " to marry , I was choosing the " frog " and trying turn him into the prince through my love . While I was taking classes for my teacher 's certificate , I found out that Portuguese was taught at the University , but had very few students . I had started a successful program at the University where I earned my Masters in Portuguese and Spanish . I set up an interview with the Chair of the Language Department and told him about my experience at the former University . I asked him to give me a one year appointment so I could prove that I could get students into the program . He did , and I delivered on my promise . A year later I was offered a full - time position teaching Portuguese and Spanish . I was in love with my job and Rich had bought another property , this time a duplex and we moved into one of the two units . It was really beautiful . Rich was travelling a lot now so at least during those times I got a break from his temper . I made friends with another teacher , Kent , who was engaged to a girl in Brazil . When Rich was out of town , we would spend a lot of time together . We were just friends but I needed a close friend who would watch after me . One night , Rich was gone on a trip , and I was recovering from a tonsillectomy . Kent was worried about my being alone at the new place and said that he would call that evening . Suddenly around 7 p . m . the door flew open and Rich was standing there . I knew Kent was going to call , so when Rich went out to walk the dog , I picked up the phone to call Kent and tell him my husband was home . Rich saw me through the window and stormed in . I instinctively hung up the phone which made me look guilty . I thought Rich was going to kill me he was in such a rage . Thankfully he called my father and told him to come and pick up his " whore of a daughter . " Dad told him not to lay a finger on me and that he would be right over . That was the end of the marriage . Dad insisted that I file for a divorce and two months later it was over . I left with only my belongings and the divorce was simple . However I was not rid of Rich . The stalking began and I had to move each time that he would find me . Dad and I knew where to put each box in the car and get out fast . I believed that one day Rich would kill me . Then I heard the news that Rich had gone sailing in rough waters and fallen off the boat . There was a search going on for his body . Amazingly , a week later a friend of mine was out on the lake with her boyfriend and they saw a body floating in the water . It turned out to be Rich . A service with a closed coffin was held on Halloween night . There were only a couple of people there , and I had the feeling that Rich was going to appear , laughing at us , and that they had found the wrong body . It was a very strange and eerie night which I will never forget . When we landed in Paris , it took forever to get through customs , and it was about two hours before I finally saw Steve . I was shocked at first glance . It had been several years since I had seen him , and my memory of him didn 't exactly coincide with the man standing there . He was very excited to see me , and the initial disappointment dissipated quickly as we reminisced about our times together on our way to his apartment . I had to pinch myself , I was in Paris and couldn 't wait to see this " city of love . " It was rainy and cold . The traffic was terrible , everybody was honking angrily and you could barely see two feet in front of you due to the thick fog . We sipped coffee , ate some delicious pastries and talked for several hours . Then he had to go to the office . He said he would be back around 7 p . m . and we would go out for dinner . It was about 9 p . m . by the time we got to the restaurant . Steve ordered pigs feet for both of us , a delicacy , he said . The portions were very small and there was no meat on the pig 's feet . Steve said that you had to suck on them to get the juices and the meat off the bone . I was starving when we left the restaurant . During my three months in Paris , there was no such thing as a sunny day . I spent the days sightseeing alone while Steve worked . I spent a whole day at La Louvre . It was breathtaking and I saw the " Mona Lisa ! " One day a funny thing happened . I got off of the Metro in an area that looked rather interesting . I was in my faux fur coat and had high boots on . An oriental man started following me and saying : " We be friends ? " I would look at him and smile … but couldn 't understand the rest of what he was saying . When I got back to the Metro , I was told that I had been in the " Red Light District . " At night Steve and I went to UNESCO functions , to the symphony , opera , out to dinner and shows . I signed up for French lessons at La Sorbonne . Because of my Portuguese and Spanish , I was picking French up pretty easily . Steve introduced me to a girl named Suzy , and she was along many times when we would go out . Also , she and I spent time together and I became aware that she and Steve had been more than " just friends " and that she was still very much in love with him . Steve kept postponing our marriage , and Rich had started writing to me . He had gotten my address from my parents . They took pity on him when he went to them , literally crying , and apologized for the way he had treated me . His letters were very sweet and loving and he seemed like the man that I had fallen in love with . I broke the news to Steve that I would be going home to Texas . This was the only time that I had ever seen him show emotion . In tears he said , " Darrling , I was about to propose . " I didn 't believe him , and knew that Suzy would be there to console him . Suzy went with us to the airport . So , I waved goodbye to them and the city of love . Over the years I saw Steve a couple more times . He had not married and had returned to St . Louis to resume his teaching position . He also published many books on Law and Sociology . I was once crazy in love with him and wanted us to be married . Unfortunately that magic moment passed us by . Who knows how it could have been ? Steve claimed that he had always loved me and regretted that we had not gotten married in Paris . He told me once that he had waited at the airport for two hours , thinking that I would walk through the gates back into his arms , never having boarded the plane . Recently I saw online that he had died of lung cancer . This was a man whom I had loved deeply and the news was very sad . The memories will always be with me of the great relationship that we had for a time . After my divorce from Walton , Steve , from the blog " My first romance , " came back into my life . Our romance continued - we went to Operas , the Symphony , had picnics , took short trips with the top down in his beloved Jaguar , went dancing … many romantic adventures . There was one problem with Steve . He was a womanizer and never planned to marry . I finished my Masters , and at that time my parents moved back to the U . S . from Brazil because my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer . They moved to Dallas , for treatment at Baylor Medical . I decided to move to Texas to be with her . Steve got a job with UNESCO in Paris . He said he would write , but I didn 't expect to hear from him again . It was extremely painful to lose him , since he was the man of my dreams , so I thought at the time . In Dallas , my sister introduced me to Rich . At the beginning of our courtship things were wonderful . After Steve , it was great to have a man who really loved me and was not interested in dating other women . We spent all our time together from the beginning . Then his devoted love started turning into little criticisms - there was no pleasing him . My mother 's cancer treatment was excruciating with the chemotherapy , she had a double mastectomy … it was the saddest time of my life to see my beautiful mother suffering and withering away . I wanted to spend time with her , but Rich was jealous of my family or friends . I had to limit my time with her to when he was out of town . Then I got a letter from Paris . It was Steve , and he wanted me to move there and asked me to marry him . I couldn 't believe it ! My mother wanted me to get away from Rich , and encouraged me to go , to at least find out if I still loved Steve . I excitedly boarded a plane for Paris and was on pins and needles all the way . I was thrilled that I would see my former love again and he had plans for us to travel through Europe on our honeymoon . This was so romantic … it seemed that all my dreams were coming true . After Albert I didn 't date until my Senior year when I met Walton . He was a popular guy on campus , a Junior , president of the Student Body and one of the top swimmers on the swimming team . He thought I was a Freshman when he asked me out . On our first date he asked how I liked my Freshman class . I told him that I wasn 't a Freshman . He continued … Sophomore ? Junior ? By the time he got to Senior , he could barely breathe . After that he stumbled and fumbled his way through the date and at the end of the date he slammed the car door on his finger . I felt no chemistry between us but decided to give him another chance … and after a few dates I was Walt 's girl and no one else would ask me out . We became good friends and since I was still on the rebound from Albert , it was a relief not to feel any romance between us . I began to think that this was how things were meant to be . I knew that Walton could never hurt me the way Albert had . I didn 't have anyone to discuss this with , my family was in Brazil and unfortunately I had no close friendships with other girls . It was difficult to " fit in " since I was considered the " foreigner . " I was more Brazilian than American due to my upbringing in Brazil . I graduated a year earlier than Walton , and took a job teaching Spanish in High School . Walton wanted to go to Medical School , but didn 't pass the Exams so he enrolled in graduate school to stay out of the draft . At this point , everyone expected us to get married . Walton popped the marriage question and I said " yes . " My mother came back from Brazil for the wedding . The night before , sensing that I was not " in love " with my bridegroom , she tried to convince me that it was not too late to back out of this marriage . I did love Walton and felt sure that he was very much in love with me . This gave me a sense of security knowing that I could never be hurt again . Our honeymoon night was a disaster . I won 't go into details , but there was no romance or sex ! Walton was unable to " perform " and ended up crying in my arms . During this time I met Steve , from my blog " My first Romance " and fell deeply in love with him . Even though he wanted me to leave Walton , I stayed in the marriage because a divorce would be very disappointing to my family . I stopped seeing Steve and decided to try to salvage my four and a half year marriage . There didn 't seem to be any solution for our problems and at this point I had no feelings for Walton , just pity and even disdain . It wasn 't fair to him to go on . He was really a nice guy who I loved like a brother . My first love story was during my sophomore year in college . I had returned from Brazil , where I had spent my youth from the ages of 7 - 18 . I had not been allowed to date since my father was very strict and protective . I was 19 and had never been kissed . I had an enormous crush on a male cheerleader , Daniel , who had grown up in Brazil also . He was a Senior and all the girls had crushes on him . It was clear that he had no interest in this shy Sophomore girl , even though we had known each other in Brazil . I had also known his older brother , Albert , who had already graduated from the same college . Suddenly the dashing Albert appeared on campus to visit his brother , and to meet me . According to him , Daniel had spoken highly of me . The three of us went everywhere together , but a relationship began between me and Albert . He had fallen head over heals for me and was extremely persuasive with his romantic gestures and his KISSES . Wow ! ! ! That summer the three of us travelled to Brazil to visit our families , who still lived there , but in different cities . My romance with Albert continued to grow through romantic love letters and when he came to stay with my family . We became engaged and planned to get married . By the time Albert left to go back to his city , I was deeply hurt . Then one day during the noon meal , a letter came for my sister . She looked at it and ran into her room , excitedly saying it was from Albert . I had not heard from him at all . Of course I broke our engagement . I left to go back to college , devastated . My first and only love was gone from my life . Then I began to receive love letters from Albert . He wrote beautiful letters , apologizing and declaring his love . He wanted to schedule our wedding . I had lost all trust in him and even though I still loved him , I didn 't want to get hurt again . He finally got the message and stopped writing . One day I was walking back to campus from a shopping trip downtown . Daniel was driving by and saw me . He stopped to give me a lift . It was my birthday , and Daniel gave me the news that Albert was getting married on that very day . I still remember the deep depression that took over my entire being . After several marriages and divorces on both of our parts , many years later Albert found me and proposed again saying that he had never stopped loving me . We spent time together and even though I tried to fall back in love , it was too late . I still wonder until this day , how my life would have been with him . I know that we would have had a romantic life , traveling , and we shared a deep love for Brazil . We both ended up teaching Portuguese and Spanish at different universities . My first romance happened while I was teaching and working on my Masters . It was very unexpected . I was in my office grading papers . I was happy with my life , content , yet had a feeling that something big was about to happen . Deeply engrossed in my student 's exams , from a distance I heard a voice . An interesting voice , with an accent , saying , " I 've seen you walking by my classroom , but never had a chance to say hello . " I looked up and saw the most piercing blue eyes - my legs felt limp , my heart rushed . I was finally able focus on the person standing there who was now saying , " I 'd like to take you to lunch . " Time seemed to stand still , but I managed to utter , " I can 't , I 'm married . " I heard a laugh that sounded like bells ringing as the answer came back , " I 'm not asking you to marry me , I 'm asking you out to lunch . " There were many lunches and I never tired of listening to Steve with his beautiful accent and his stories of world travel … all while looking into those eyes . He had fled from Hungary to the United States and was teaching Sociology . His stories were filled with romance and mystery . We started meeting at his apartment in the afternoons . I would sit on the couch , he would be in his favorite chair - we couldn 't stop talking about traveling and romantic places . He had the most perfect profile and I would sit there gazing at him as if in a trance . I could imagine us on a beach in a passionate embrace . My life had changed , I couldn 't sleep or eat and my marriage to my husband Walton was " a marriage without romance , " and I was still a virgin . I couldn 't wait for the days during the week when Steve and I would meet . Steve had never even kissed me , and I longed for that kiss imagining what his lips would feel like against mine . Aware of the warnings from my friends , I avoided running into Steve , determined to forget him . I was miserable and knew that sooner or later I would go back to his apartment . Every part of my being wanted him , and it didn 't matter what people said - he was my soul mate and I realized during the time that I couldn 't see him , that I longed for him to take me in his arms and fulfill all my dreams of the perfect romance . Then the day came … Steve spotted me across campus and came running after me , asking " darling , darling , where have you been ? " I knew then that he loved me as much as I loved him . Back at his place we were suddenly in bed , and before I knew it , the act had been consummated . He was embarrassed , saying … " darling , the next time will be better … you have to realize that I waited over six months ! " I drove home laughing out loud . So this was what sex was all about . What a relief , now I could go back to my normal life . I could eat again , sleep again … I didn 't feel as though anything had happened at all . I didn 't feel guilty , just relieved that now I knew the secret that had eluded me . |
Logie 's Crew trained with the 458th in Tonopah and flew the Southern Route to England in January 1944 . They flew most of their missions in B - 24H - 15 - FO 42 - 52432 J3 P that reportedly was named , Bachelor 's Paradise . Unfortunately no photographs of this plane are known to exist . Their twelfth and last mission came on April 9 , 1944 - Easter Sunday when the 458th set out to bomb an airfield at Tutow , Germany . Weather would be the deciding factor in this mission as 2nd Bombardment Division summary shows : " Low and middle cloud presented a difficult problem in the assembly . Groups encountered multi - layer clouds from 8 , 000 to 15 , 000 feet from Splasher 5 until approximately fifty miles west of the Danish peninsula , and many ships lost their formations and were forced to abandon the mission . The remaining ships formed into two composite wings with aircraft of the 2nd Combat Wing , 446th and 93rd Bomb Groups comprising one Wing , and units of the 96th Combat Wing and 445 , 392nd and 44th Bomb Groups comprising the other . The Division leader , flying with the 2nd Combat Wing , made a 360 ° turn off the Danish coast in an attempt to reform the Division , but cloud layer and haze made visual contact difficult and the 96th Combat Wing leader did not perceive this maneuver and proceeded to the target thirty miles ahead of the 2nd Wing . " Due to the broken formations , the groups missed their rendezvous with the fighter escort . After passing through the cloud cover over Kiel Bay at about 1110 , a number of German fighters attacked the B - 24 formation , Logie 's plane taking hits [ see his detailed account below ] and they were forced to bail out over Denmark . The plane crashed and burned in the village of Venslev . Three men were captured , and three evaded , making their way to Sweden relatively quickly . The evadees were back in England by April 26th . They were sent to London for debriefing . They were then sent back to Horsham for a short period where at least one of them ( Lt Logie ) gave lectures on his experiences . In May all three men were transfeMissions we could see they were at least 3 , 000 feet above us . We were then told to spread out and take up a heading of 90 degrees and hold that while flying through the clouds . When we came out on the other side we were scattered all over the sky . The German fighters were waiting for us and started to attack us before we could get back in formation . They were yellow nosed ME - 109 fighters that were from Goering 's crack fighter group , protecting the German sub pens . Two fighters attacked my plane head on and shot out both inboard engines and also most of our electrical system . The explosion was so loud I had ringing in my left ear for three days . My navigator [ Jacobson ] had been hit by a piece of shrapnel that had nicked the artery in his neck . The blood flew everywhere and I knew he had to get to a doctor fast or he would die . I told my bombardier [ Kita ] to jump with him and try to get to a doctor . I found out later that we were still over Germany . German After being attacked and losing two engines my first thought was to try to make it to Sweden . It was a neutral country and we would not be prisoners of war . I was losing some altitude , but knew , as I got lower , could also see a part of the rudder had been hit , but I still had control of the plane . Now I was losing altitude at from 3 , 000 - 4 , 000 feet per minute . My co - pilot turned on the jump alarm . I was hoping that it was sounding in the back of the plane . I ordered everyone to jump as fast as they could . I had no way of knowing what was happening in the back of the plane . I was hoping that they had jumped . I stayed with the plane as long as I could , giving them as much time as possible . When I got down to 2 , 000 feet I knew I had to jump then or die in the plane . I got out of my seat and ran to the bomb bay and jumped . As soon as I cleared the plane I pulled the ripcord and the chute opened . What a beautiful sight . I was down to around 700 feet above the ground when my chute opened . I watched my plane make a wide circle and hit the ground and explode . The plane had crashed in a small Danish village . I found out later that no one was hurt and that it had set fire to only one small shed that burned . ( Photo : Finn Buch ) landed going backward in a fairly high wind . I stopped the chute from dragging me and took it off . I buried my chute in a plowed field were I I ran as fast as I could toward the barn . There was a stack of hay piled against the barn , so I crawled into it . I got about four feet into the stack and pushed hay back where I had crawled in . After a short time I heard the bombs explode that were in the plane . A while later I could hear people coming toward the barn . When they got near the barn I could tell that there were two or three German soldiers and the Danish farmer . They came out to where I was hiding and stood about four or five feet from me . I could tell someone was sticking a pitchfork into the haystack , but he never got near me . I was afraid the farmer might turn me in . He was taking a very big , big chance hiding me . If they caught him the Germans would probably kill him and his family . He did not give me away although he was standing only a few feet from me and knew where I was . I stayed in the haystack until about midnight . After I crawled out I went inside the barn and stood at the door so I could see the house . I could see three people standing around talking . Two of the men soon left . In about a half an hour I saw the farmer walking toward the barn . I then stood in the doorway so he could see me . He motioned me to follow him to the house . When we got inside he called his daughter who was about 15 years old . He said something to her and she would relay the information to me in broken English . She asked me if I was hungry . I told her I was and they fixed me some sandwiches and milk . After I ate she asked me different questions that she would relay to the others . At first she was very shy about her English , but as we talked she got much better . She told me her dad had contacted someone that would come and pick me up . At one thirty a young man came in . He told me that a pickup truck would come by in thirty minutes and we would jump on it and hide in the box . Then he would drive us to a place were I would be safe . I thanked the farmer and his wife for hiding me and for the food . I also thanked the girl and told her that her English was very several things . She cut out a piece about three feet square and sent it to me . It is one of my most prized possessions as it had saved my life . Also the boy that had helped my co - pilot [ Reed ] and radio operator [ Murphy ] escape came to see me four years ago . Him and his wife stayed with us five days . The local TV station came out and took some pictures . They had visited the rest of my crew that was alive and the widows of my crew that were dead . He is a Danish farmer and the girl I talked to is his sister - in - law . I am now the last member of my crew still alive . Ejvind Friis Jensen , the boy who helped Reed and Murphy are we jumped in the pickup truck we drove for twenty minutes , and stopped at a house in a small village . We went to the house and were met at the door by a man in his forties . He greeted me with perfect English and he told me he was a doctor who had studied medicine in California . I stayed at his place for eight days . He said it was too dangerous to travel as the Germans were looking for us . They were stopping and searching every vehicle . Later that week he told me they were going to try to move me . They wanted to get me to Copenhagen . In the afternoon an ambulance stopped and the driver came in with an ambulance uniform for me . After I got it on he told me that I would be his helper . If the Germans stopped us I was not to speak . If they talked to me he would tell them I was a mute . About dark we got into the ambulance and started out . Everything went well for the first hour then we were stopped at a German roadblock . I was scared as hell and I was hoping it didn 't show . The driver showed the guard some papers as they talked in German . In less then ten minutes they waved us through . We were stopped once more and it was about the same . I tell you , I was very nervous and I was shaking inside . We got to a good size city and went to a residential area and stopped at a nice house . We went in and a couple that had one child greeted us . I was told that he was on the police force and his twin brother was also . They were both over six feet and looked every bit the part . I stayed with them two days and then I was back in the ambulance with the same driver . He told me that this time we were going to try to make it to Copenhagen . He said the Germans had evidently given up looking for us on the road . We had better luck this time , as we were not stopped . When we got to Copenhagen we stopped at a four - story apartment building . We walked up to the fourth floor ( no elevator ) and knocked on the door . A young man came to the door and let us in . There were three men that were all college students . They talked for ten minutes or so and the ambulance driver left . All three of them could speak English so it was pretty good . They told me they would be in school during the week and that I had to be very quiet as on the other three floors lived families of German soldiers . They told me that we would go out to eat and that I had to learn to keep my fork in my left hand or the Germans as well as the Danes would know I was an American . At every meal they would coach me on how the Europeans ate . To this day I still hold my fork in my left hand a lot of the time . On the fourth day we all went to the train station that had a nice cafe . They all ordered and they ordered a meal for me . We had just about finished when German soldiers came in and blocked all the doors and started to check ID 's as people left . The men told me to finish eating , and if the Germans were still there , to go to a restroom . They said I should stay there as long as I could and then check to see if the Germans had left . They [ the Danes ] left and I watched them getting their ID 's checked . They all passed through without a problem . I sat at the table for about fifteen minutes more and then went to the rest room . There were three rest rooms so I would spend some time in each . I stayed about fifteen minutes in each , but it seemed like an hour . I did this three times and each time the Germans were still there . The fourth time they were gone so I waited a few minutes and walked out of the station . As I walked I wondered what I was going to do to contact someone . You may have noticed that I have called no one by name . The reason they would not tell me their names was me . After leaving the train station I had walked three or four blocks when a cab pulled up and one of the men told me to get in . I tell you , I couldn 't have been happier to see someone in my life . I knew this had been a very close call and someone could have spotted me and turned me in . He told me he was taking me to another place that would be safer . We driver got out and talked to someone on the intercom . He got back in the cab and the gate opened and we drove in . When we got out of the cab an elderly women greeted us and invited us in . When we got inside several young couples greeted me . I was taken upstairs to a bedroom where they gave me a change of clothing . I took a bath , dressed and came downstairs . Most of the young couples could speak English and started asking me questions . The elderly lady asked me if I smoked . I told her I did and she gave me a metal box of Lucky Strikes . I had seen them before the war . Everyone had drinks and they gave me one . After awhile they started playing music on a Jukebox . Couples started to dance and soon a young lady asked me if I could dance and I told her yes . After I danced with her , every lady there asked me to dance . I had a very good time dancing and having a few drinks . Princess Louise Practical Household SchoolAbout 2 : 00 a . m . everyone started to leave . They all said goodbye and told me they were glad to have met me . They also wished me luck getting to Sweden . I went was there except a servant and a cook . She cooked me a breakfast of pancakes , ham , eggs , toast and coffee . That was the best meal I had had since I was shot down . About noon the lady of the house returned and she had a lunch prepared . She told me her nephew , who was 16 , would be over and we could play pool or cards . She also had a couple of English novels she gave me to read . The nephew and I would play pool or cards every day . We started taking walks to his home that was seven blocks away . There was a German radar site about half way to his house . There were always two or three German guards walking around the site . They would eyeball us as we walked on the other side of the street , but they never stopped us . Now I wonder what I would have done if they had stopped us . I would have probably become a prisoner of war . Now I feel it was a foolish thing to do . [ This boy 's name was Frans Sidenius , in the mid - 1990 's he still lived in Copenhagen . Mr . Sidenius remembered Byron Logie with these words : " My uncle sheltered many people , including a British pilot . The American I remember very well . He was a young man who wanted to see " the enemy " . So we dressed him up in civilian clothes and took him to Tivoli . " ] On the sixth day the lady of the house told me they were moving me closer to the docks . She called a cab and had the cab driver put her bike on a rack of the cab . We drove to downtown Copenhagen , which was about five miles , and stopped in front of a very nice apartment building . The cab driver took the woman 's bike off of the cab and she parked it inside when the doorman let us in . She told me she was going to ride her bike back home . I couldn 't believe it since she looked in her mid - sixties or older . We took an elevator to the second floor and went into a beautiful apartment . I was introduced to a lady who I found out was named Andersen . I was told she was a movie star and an opera singer . The elderly women left in about an hour . Her husband came home and I met him . I was told he was a writer of novels and plays . They were well waterfront . We went into the building and there I met several couples and children who lived there and in other parts of town . Two of the couples I had met at the large house with the steel gate were there . I was moved every day to a new location , but always ended up at the warehouse during the day . They showed me a lot of guns , some of them German 9 millimeter pistols that the German officers wore . I did not ask them how they got them . We mostly played cards and they gave me some coins so I could play poker with them . When it was my turn to deal I said , " We will play five card stud . " They told me they had never heard of the game . Anyway I taught them how to play five and seven card stud . I also helped make some pipe and gasoline bombs . While I was in Denmark the Danish Queen had a baby girl [ Cecilia Bernadotte , born in Stockholm on April 9 , 1944 ] . The Germans would not let them shoot the cannons to announce the arrival of the Royal birth so the Danes set off eighteen pipe bombs near the palace . They said they had thrown several gasoline bombs at a grenade factory and burned it to the ground . They also fastened a steel wire loop to both ends of a strong stick . They said they could slip the wire loop over a persons head twist the stick and kill the person without a sound . That kind of put chills down my back . From that I figured out how they got the German guns so I didn 't have to ask . One day they asked me if I would like to go for a cab ride . I said sure and we drove to uptown Copenhagen . As we passed a large brick building they told me that it was the German Gestapo Headquarters . The cab stopped about three blocks past the building . They said , " Watch out the back window of the cab . " About ten minutes later there was a very loud blast that shook the cab . All I could see was smoke and fire and the whole front of the building was gone . People were running everywhere . The cab pulled out and we were gone . I was told that many Germans had been killed in the blast . The Germans arrested everyone that was near the blast . They said many Danes would be shot and some would be put in jail . I wondered if this was the thing to do , as the Germans would retaliate by killing a lot of innocent third day I was there an older man came to the apartment at ten in the morning . He told me I would be going to Sweden the next day . He said I should not eat or drink anything after ten that night because we would not be able to go to the bathroom for about seven hours . He said that the people I was living with would take me to the warehouse at 2 : 00 in the morning . The next morning we walked to a warehouse that was on the water . As we got near the warehouse we had to wait for the signal to come in . As we were entering I could see a couple of German guards walking in front of the warehouses . We entered as the guards were walking away from us . When inside , I saw sixteen or seventeen men , women and children . There was also a mother with a six - month - old baby . They were Jewish refugees who were also trying to escape the Germans . We were told we would be going to Sweden on a barge carrying empty beer cases . The barge was about thirty feet long with an open hull where the of the barge there was a four - foot space . To get the women or children on the barge , they would leave one at a time . A man would pick up two or three cases of empty beer bottles and walk to the barge , shielding the woman or child from the guard . When they got to the barge the woman or child would crawl into the space around the beer cases . Then the man would return to the warehouse to get another person . They did this until all the women and young children were on the barge . The older boys and men would pick up a couple of beer cases and go to the barge and crawl into the hiding space . I was one of the last to get on the barge . One of the Jewish boys who was about twelve and I picked up a couple of cases and walked to the barge . We put down the beer cases and crawled into our space . When the last person got in the hiding space they piled beer cases in the space where we had entered . It was still night and where we sat it was pitch black dark . We sat at the dock for another hour . The crew kept piling beer cases on the barge . The beer cases were piled about six feet above the deck . After an hour or so they were only gone a few minutes when we heard a loud knock on the deck . That was the signal that a German patrol boat was signaling them to stop . Before we left we were told that we had to be absolutely quiet . If the German guards didn 't make them turn off the barge engine it wasn 't as important that we be quiet . If they made them turn off the engines then there had to be no noise at all . When they did that the Germans would listen for any noise that might reveal a hiding space . If a baby that they had to press a pillow over the child 's face . If needed they had to hold it there until the child passed out . While we sat there I could feel the boy beside me was shaking with fear . I put my arm around him and held him close . That seemed to calm him down some . I also whispered to him that we would be okay , that every thing would be all right , I didn 't know if he understood English , but I was hoping . As I sat there it dawned on me , " Here I am in the hull of this barge with sixteen or seventeen Jewish refugees . What in the hell am I doing here ? What would happen if the Germans discovered us ? " I could just imagine what the Germans would do ; they would probably kill everyone and would not ask to see them . After about fifteen minutes we could hear the German soldiers leave the barge . The crew put the engines in gear and we were on our way to Sweden . I know everyone was praying that we wouldn 't be stopped again . We had been gone about two hours when we heard them knock again . For some reason it seemed to me everyone including the young children were very quiet . It seemed to me everyone knew we were very close to freedom . Even the young man beside me didn 't did . We could hear German soldiers come aboard and we could hear them talking to the crew . We could tell the German soldiers were checking their passes and the cargo . This time they stayed a lot longer . I could feel the tension build the longer they stayed . After what seemed an hour we heard the Germans leave . Everyone breathed a sigh of relief . Then we were on our way again and happy the Germans had let us go . I am sure everyone hoped that we would not be stopped again . The old barge engine churned away for what seemed like hours . Then , all of a sudden , we could hear the crew moving the beer cases . We saw the light of day and they told us to come out on deck . We were in Swedish waters and we had escaped the Germans . Every one was smiling and hugging each other . What a wonderful feeling that was . I am sure no one could imagine how I felt or how the others felt . As I sat on the deck , all of a sudden tears came to my eyes and I started to cry . I got up and walked behind some beer cases and sat down . I had been under so much tension for so long it just had to come out . After I stopped crying I felt much better and I guess it was what I needed to do . I learned that the young boy that sat beside me had been going to school . One evening as he came close to his home he saw Germans soldiers taking his mother and father away . It was no wonder he had been so afraid . I have often wondered if he ever saw his mother and father again . He did not speak English , but as we departed I shook his hand and we gave each other a hug . He smiled we were in Malmo , Sweden in Swedish custody . After they finger printed me and asked a few questions they let me go . After they found out I was an American airman they shook my hand and said they were glad I got away . A short time later I was headed for Stockholm with one of the barge crew . About three days after I got to Stockholm , my radio operator [ Murphy ] and co - pilot [ Reed ] arrived . I was sure glad to see them . I had not seen or heard about any of my crew since we were shot down . I had no idea what was happening to any of them . I found out that the four men in the back of the plane had all died when the plane crashed . No one knew if they were dead or alive before the crash . At the American Air Attaché Office they told me that Jacobson , my navigator , and Kita , my bombardier were captured soon after they hit the ground . They didn 't know if Jacobson had died when I told them about his neck wound . They also didn 't know anything about my flight engineer Scott . They said he might still be trying to escape . Later I found out he was a stayed in Stockholm for two or three weeks . The Air Attaché Office gave us our pay and also gave us money to buy civilian clothes . One thing they told us that I would never forget ; they said if we saw a drunken person on the street , you could take a hundred to one odds that it was an American . That says something about our drinking laws . Most countries in Europe have no age limit for drinking . We were put up in the Continental Hotel in Stockholm . We each had a nice room and bath . We were on the third floor and could look down on one of the main streets . We very good food and I am sure I gained ten pounds or more . They told us not to leave any papers or other things that might be used by the Germans . They said that the hotel workers that were loyal to the Germans would pass anything on that might be used against us . We went to movies even though they were all in Swedish . We bought watches and other things that we could not get in England . At night there were a couple of dance places we could pay per dance . I met a couple of Swedish girls that could speak good English . That sure helped pass the time . Stockholm is a beautiful city and I would often walk for a mile or so just to see the sights . Every weekend you could see trains loaded with Swedish women going up to the ski resorts . They allowed the war prisoners to get out of the prison camps and go to the ski resorts . After of Scotland . About eight that night we got on a small bus that would take us to the airport . Well , I guess the driver was taking a short cut . He drove under a low underpass and wedged the top of the bus in the underpass . In about an hour a staff car picked us up and returned us to the hotel . We stayed another couple of days and then made another try . This time we made it and landed in Scotland about 1 : 30 in the morning . They put us up in a Scottish army barracks that was about the filthiest place I had ever been in . I am sure the sheets and bedding had not been changed for months . Thank God they flew us to England the next day . As and I had escaped to Sweden . They were very happy and I said I would be home in a week or so . Well , you guessed it ; the Army had other plans were all told we had to fly twenty combat missions before we would be returned to the States . When I returned to my squadron there was only 33 combat crew members of the original squadron . I don 't know how many crews had completed twenty combat missions . All the rest of the crews had been shot down or were killed in crashes when returning from raids . One of the crew [ members ] completed his twenty missions just after I got back . In his crew only six were members of the original crew . Of the other two crews , one had three missions to fly the other had two . In those two crews I didn 't find out how many were in the original squadron . I left before either of the other two crews finished their twenty missions . I do very much hope they made it . This doesn 't mean that the 147 seven crew members were all dead . It could be that many of the crew members were prisoners of war and others could still be hiding in the country were they were shot down . Some were killed on a bombing mission and came back in the plane . They had to be replaced by the replacement crews . You can see your odds of completing just twenty missions at that time were really high . Just before the invasion of Europe , the number of missions had been raised to thirty . By the time we invaded Europe we had air superiority so that helped a lot . When I got back they had set up meetings with combat crews at several of the air bases . I was supposed to talk to the aircrews about how to hide from the Germans , how to contact the underground and also answer as many questions as I could . I don 't think I was much help as the help had come to me . I didn 't have to do any of the things they wanted me to talk about . They at Washington , D . C . and I was very happy to be back in the good old U . S . of A . After more debriefings and physicals I was sent home on a thirty - day leave . It was great to be back in North Dakota and to visit with my folks and friends . When my leave was over they sent me to a convalescent hospital at Denver , Colorado . I stayed there for two months . It was nice as they had a couple of fishponds on the grounds with trout . I fished about every day after seeing the shrink for an hour . I guess I said the right thing on my first meeting , when I told him I was having dreams of blood splattering on the navigation dome and of fighters attacking my plane . I don 't think he helped much , but after a couple of years the dreams gradually stopped . When I left the hospital they returned me to full flight status and I was back flying again which was great . I can 't end this without saying something about my crew . The B - 24 that I flew had a nose turret with two fifty - caliber machine guns . It had a top turret , a tail turret and a belly turret with the same guns . It also had two flexible waist guns that could shoot out the sides of the plane . I was assigned my crew in Boise , Idaho about the last part of summer in 1943 . Every member of my crew was single . I think I had the only crew in our group where everyone was single . I can 't say enough about how good my crew was . I had the best radio operator in the group . He could also very good as well as the rest of my crew . We were always in the top ten in practice bombing . In gunnery we were the top crew most of the time . My squadron commander [ Major Donald C . Jamison ] once asked me if I would trade crews with him and I told him no way . If he wanted to he could have taken my crew without asking . Not a single member ever got into trouble where I had to bail him out of jail and that was more than most pilots could say . So you can see why I was very proud of them . " open fields where there was not much cover . As we were crossing a road a man bicycled up to us . We tried to get him to give us civilian Karl Otto Joergensen ( with banner of the local National Guard ) American flight boots from World War IIEaster day April 9th 1944 515 American bomber planes from USAAF ( United States Army Air Force ) were flying on a bomber mission to northern Poland and Germany . They took off early in the morning from airbases in Norfolk in England . - At the arrival at the coast of Slesvig - Holsten in northern Germany they were met by a lot of clouds , and the formation had to spread out . When they finally came clear of the clouds , they were met by 6 German yellow nosed Messerschmidt 109 fighters , which shot more of them down . - Liberator B 24 no : 42 - 52432 from 458 Bomb Group , 755 Bomb Squadron from the base in Horsham St . Faith had two engines destroyed , and the navigator Bernard A . Jacobsen was cut in his neck by a shell splinter . The pilot Byron E . Logie decided to break out of the formation and try to reach the neutral Sweden , but the plane lost altitude , and the hydraulic system and the intercom were destroyed . Of this reason co - pilot George D . Reed and radio operator Thomas R . Murphy had to jump on the bomb doors in order to release 4 bombs over the sea at Great Belt ( between danish islands Zealand and Funen ) and 3 at the fields of Lyngbygaard , a big farm 3 miles inland . Now the navigator was bleeding seriously from the wound in his neck , and the pilot asked the engineer Walter E . Scott to bail out with him , so he could get medical care . After their landing the navigator was treated by local people , and they were both hidden away in a stack of straw . Unfortunately they were found by a German search team and taken prisoners of war . Just after they bailed out the bomber was once more attacked by a single German fighter , which destroyed the third engine . Flying on only one engine the plane was going so roughly to the right , that the pilot could not keep it on a straight course , and as it was now losing more altitude , he gave the order to everybody to bail out . At 11 . 30 am the bomber crashed in an open space in the village VensTonopah , Nevada 1943 The following photographs were very generously supplied by Bent Esbensen of Denmark . His father , Svend Henry Esbensen , was part of the CBU ( fire brigade ) who cleared the Venslev area where Logie 's B - 24 crashed . These photos were taken by him Courtesy : Robert Nixon via Fred AllisonMy father had this same article in his papers . He had written in the margin in red grease pencil , " This is Logie 's crew . We checked the home towns . " Unfortunately I have misplaced my copy , so I am very grateful to Fred Allison , son - in - law of Robert Nixon , navigator from Glenn 's Crew ( # 73 ) for sharing . - - Darin Scorza |
Elvis Week : The True Story of Hamburger James Posted on August 17 , 2011 by droracle There are many Elvis stories out there . however the story of Hamburger James is among my favorite . From Elvis pulling a police badge to racing through Las Vegas to the airport with the Memphis Mafia this story is for some reason is stays with me as one of my favs . Also some of the story talks about the time Elvis was in DC in 1970 , which is around the same time he visited Nixon . For a little background on who Hamburger James is , here is Elvis ' Stepbrother & Memphis Mafia member Rick Stanley described him as such : Hamburger James was a guy who wanted to be in the Memphis Mafia , and was eventually initiated as a member - but unlike Red West and some of the others , his role in the Memphis Mafia was somewhat limited . Mainly , he was just the guy who went out for hamburgers at 3 : 00am or whenever Elvis had a sudden desire for one . When Elvis wanted something , he wanted it right then and there . It didn 't matter whether that something was a car , a horse , or a hamburger . It didn 't matter if places were opened or closed or if it was 3 : 00 in the morning . In fact , this is why James Caughley was given the name " Hamburger James " - he 'd be the one to run out for hamburgers at Elvis ' whim . ( Source : http : / / thetravelingtwosome . com / ? p = 995 ) One afternoon my mom pulls up in a beautiful Continental with a guy who 's a perfect stranger to me . I come out of the boarding school , and my mom 's sitting in the front seat with the guy whom she introduces as our new daddy , Vernon , and the three of us are ushered into the backseat . Well , we leave from the school and drive to the mansion , to Graceland . All of a sudden here 's this big , beautiful house . The very first thing that I notice is all these bodyguards - these guys walking around with big guns under their arms . Inside , I walked down a mirrored hallway , down these steps , and I found it amazing that these big gold records were everywhere . Elvis was standing over by the record player , listening to records . He walks across the room , and I know the first time I meet this guy , he 's different . He really rattled me by picking me up and saying , " These are my little brothers . That 's just the way I 'm going to treat them . " Here 's this guy , bigger than life , 19 years older than me , and he takes us into his family . The next morning I went outside and there he was . But there were cats , dogs , ponies , scooters , bicycles , tricycles , swing sets . Three of everything . He had his employees go to the store and buy all these toys and bring them back . And he broke a habit of sleeping all day to watch my face light up when I saw everything . I felt very much at home when I was at Graceland . We lived with Vernon in a house next door , and when Elvis was home I would go over and see him . Elvis loved to throw the football . I 'd go out on pass patterns , and we 'd do that for hours and hours in the backyard . One evening he decided he wanted to mend fences . We went out with a hammer and nails , and he put about 10 nails in one board , just like a kid . When I was 17 , I was getting into drugs , and Elvis figured he could help straighten me up . He wanted me to go to work with him as his personal aide , but he knew I would have a difficult time convincing my mother to let me go on the road . So he told her that I would have a private tutor , I would be in church every morning , all these different things . My first trip was Washington , D . C . We were sitting on the plane , he 's on the aisle , and I 'm right beside him . Elvis just looked at me and goes , " I 'm the teacher , " with that big grin on his face . " I 'm going to teach you everything you need to know , and by the way , what you see and hear on the road , you don 't say nothing about at home , okay ? " We got to the hotel , and we were there five minutes , and all these girls were there . All these guys have got these girls waiting ! None of the wives were ever allowed to go on the road with us , and that was one of the reasons why . Elvis looks at me and says , " There are two girls that I 've dated that are going to be here , Joyce and Janice . " He 's a married man , and he 's got not only one girl , he 's got two girls ! That was the night that Elvis initiated me into what was called the Memphis Mafia by calling me at 3 or 4 o ' clock in the morning and asking me to find a cheeseburger in downtown Washington . It was December of ' 70 , freezing weather . When he said he wanted cheeseburgers , I said , " Where do I get them ? " and he said , " That 's your responsibility . Find out . " I called the bellman ; the bellman didn 't know . So I literally get out in the streets of D . C . and find a place . And I put the cheeseburgers inside my coat and run all the way back to the hotel , get upstairs , go in the room and one of the girls was in there . I pulled the hamburgers out , handed them to Elvis , and he said , " I don 't want them . I was just checking you out , to see if you could do it . " Eventually I took care of him when we were traveling . I did everything . I made sure all the meals were taken care of . I took care of his wardrobe and jewelry , taped up the windows so the sun couldn 't get in , set up the room and carried the kit that contained all his medication . When he would come offstage , it was my responsibility to get a towel around his neck , a glass of water in his hand , a coat on his back . Then to get him in a car and make sure those vents weren 't blowing on him . Usually in the car it was mostly just him and me in the backseat , with someone driving us . Girls were always available . Always . It was just a matter of picking which ones he wanted . And he wanted one every night . He had to have somebody in bed with him . I don 't think sex was even involved lots of the time . He hated to be alone . If there wasn 't a girl there , I 'd sometimes sleep at the foot of the bed . When Elvis wanted a girl , someone would go find him one . We called it trolling . Elvis would look around and say , " It 's time to go trolling , " and we knew what that meant . Somebody had to go downstairs and select four or five girls for him to look over . I introduced him to a lot of girls , and members of the entourage introduced him to some . It was usually me , because I knew his taste - tall , clean girls . In one of the Vegas hotels they 'd gather together in a lounge area and sit around on sofas and wait . When Elvis wanted somebody to go trolling , I 'd go down and look them over and pick out four or five . I just told them that Elvis wanted to meet them and asked if they 'd like to come up to his suite . It was all pretty cool , but everybody knew what was up . There was a whole routine . While I was gone , Elvis would get out stuff to talk to them about . He carried books on astrology and numerology and that kind of thing with him so he could make conversation with the girls . Anyway , I 'd take them up , and there he 'd be . All smiles and very gracious . Elvis would make women feel wonderful . They 'd sit around in the suite for a while , and Elvis would look them over while he talked to them . Then he 'd let me know which one he wanted to stay . When the visit wore down , I 'd escort the others to the door , and the one that was chosen would stay behind . Then I 'd instruct her , tell her what Elvis liked and didn 't like . I 'd tell her that if things worked out in a way she decided she wanted to stay the night - and I knew they 'd already decided , or they wouldn 't be there - that there might be some things she would want to know . I told them Elvis always liked to eat in bed , so I 'd set a sort of table on the bed . I 'd tell them Elvis always ate and slept in pajamas and that I 'd left some of his pajama tops in the bathroom , just for them . And I 'd tell them Elvis insisted everybody around him be very clean , so they might want to take a shower before they put on the pajamas . I told them they could order anything they wanted to eat , but Elvis hated the smell of fish , so get whatever they wanted , but stay away from fish . I told them they should brush their teeth after they ate , that Elvis always did that , and that I put a new toothbrush in the bathroom for them . I 'd always take a big batch of toothbrushes on the road with us , a big , double handful . I told them Elvis loved to have his back and shoulders rubbed . That was about it . I 'd serve them , then I 'd leave . Priscilla would fly into Vegas on weekends . They would stay in the four - bedroom presidential suite on the 30th floor of their hotel . I 'd have to take Priscilla 's dresses out of the suite when she was away and write down where each dress was hung and its color because she wanted them kept in a certain order . I 'd move them back when she was about to come in . Priscilla knew what was going on , but she couldn 't prove it , and so she had to ignore it . But if she came back the next week and those dresses were messed up , ooh , wow ! It was bad ! " The kit " went everywhere with Elvis , and I was the guy designated to take care of it . If he went out for a drive , that meant I brought the kit . It had all kinds of uppers - Dexedrine , Black Beauties . Then you 've got the Class - A Percodan , Demerol , codeine . There were barbiturates - Tuinal , Seconal , Nembutal , Carbital . Toward the end there was liquid Demerol . Needles . Plus he had money inside the kit - 10 grand in a wallet - makeup , a driver 's license and a lot of jewelry . Elvis started taking prescribed drugs from his mother while he was a young man . Antidepressants and uppers . She was depressed , always overweight and taking diet pills , and he just got them from her pill cabinet . Later , he 'd justify it by saying , " I need it . " See , for every bit of drugs or whatever he took , there was always a reason . " I need this because I sprained my back , " or " I need this because I 've got to rest tonight . " His daddy confronted him about it . He 'd always just say , " I know what I 'm doing . Use and abuse are two different things . " A lot of big - money performers think it 's sort of fun to have a lot of servants hanging around all the time . There was a guy that ended up working for Elvis , helping me , but he didn 't have much of a job . Mainly , he went for stuff like hamburgers . We all called him Hamburger James . Well , I 'm in Elvis 's suite one day , and he yells out to me from his bathroom that somebody had been in his kit . He said some things were missing , some money and some pictures . Well , we all ran all over the place , and the only person we couldn 't find was Hamburger James . Elvis was more than mad . He was in a wild rage . And it spread to everybody . See , Elvis also had some pictures in the kit . I didn 't look at them . I think they were pictures of Priscilla . Hamburger James took some of them too . So Elvis was hot . Man , was he hot . And everybody 's running around looking for Hamburger James . And somebody says , " I 'll bet he 's at the airport . " We were in Las Vegas at the time . Elvis screams , " Get the car , " and we race out of the hotel and pile into a couple of cars . There were six or seven of us , and we 're driving like crazy because somebody found out that a plane is supposed to leave for Memphis in a few minutes . We come screeching up to the airport , and everybody piles out . Several people were wearing guns in shoulder holsters , and they hadn 't put their coats on . Elvis is right there with us . Everybody is running to all the different . counters and jumping up and down to look over the heads of the crowd , trying to find Hamburger James . Everybody in the place is freaking out . Women are grabbing their kids and hugging them while all these guys with guns run all over the place . Remember , this was Las Vegas in 1974 . Stars like Elvis are protected in places like Las Vegas . Anyway , it all happened pretty fast . Finally somebody runs up and says he found out the plane for Memphis is leaving the gate , so we all run like mad to get up there . The guys are all pounding on the glass , and Elvis runs up to the girl at the gate desk and starts yelling , " Stop that plane ! Stop that plane ! " She ignores him for a second or two , and then she starts to get a little hysterical and screams , " I can 't , I can 't ! " Then Elvis pulls out a police badge , one of the bunch that he had been given over the years , and flashes it at her and yells , " I 'm a federal officer . I said stop that plane ! " Then she sees it 's Elvis , and she goes all buttery and starts kind of whimpering something like , " Oh , oh , oh , it 's youuuuu . It 's youuuu . Can I have your autograph ? Ohhhh , Elvis . " And he 's yelling , " Stop that plane ! I 'm a federal officer , I tell you , and I want that plane stopped right now ! " And she 's looking at him sort of funny , and he 's looking at her both mad and confused and kind of flattered all at once . I never did understand why , but the plane stopped and pulled back up to the gate . They opened the door , and Elvis 's bodyguards ran down the aisles and there , in the back , was old Hamburger James , all huddled down and hiding . They dragged him right up the aisle , off the plane and out of the airport . He was wailing and crying and trying to get away . Some of the guys are punching him once in a while to try to get him to be quiet . I 'm sure he thought they were going to take him out in the desert somewhere and dig him a grave . We race back to the hotel , and Elvis 's people drag Hamburger James into the elevator , up to Elvis 's suite and throw him down on the couch . Elvis walks up , and the crowd of people kind of parts . Hamburger James is sobbing like crazy and scared to death . Elvis walks up in front of him . And then leans down and picks up a big , heavy coffee table . He doesn 't say anything . He 's dead quiet . I 'm thinking , oh , he 's going to murder him ! He 's going to smash him in the head with that table . How are we ever going to talk our way out of this ? But Elvis puts the table down to one side . Then he walks up to Hamburger James , and he looks at him real cold and quiet . Then Elvis reaches over while Hamburger James is looking straight at him , scared to death , and slaps him twice . Like in the movies . A slap , and then a backhand . Pow ! Then pow ! again . Then the most amazing thing happened . Hamburger James got a funny look on his face and wilted like a baby . He cried and cried . Like his heart was broken . He said he was sorry he stole , and he would give it all back , and he knew that he had done something that he couldn 't ever be forgiven for . Elvis looked at him for a minute . And then he broke down and started crying too . He just sobbed and sobbed . He went down on his knees in front of Hamburger James and said he was sorry . He kept saying to him , " Why didn 't you let me know if you needed money ? Why didn 't you let me know if you wanted to go back to Memphis ? I would have given you money . You didn 't have to steal from me . " They cried and cried like that for a long time , and Elvis kept telling Hamburger James that he didn 't have to leave , that he could keep his job and everything . But Hamburger James wanted to go , so Elvis gave him a few weeks ' salary and somebody took him back to the airport . Elvis wanted to be a tough guy , but he couldn 't , really . He always seemed to care . He seemed to care about people , and his acts of generosity toward complete strangers were something else . I can remember children in wheelchairs coming backstage before a concert and Elvis being so visibly moved and shaken . We would really wonder if he was going to be able to sing . What people don 't understand is that Elvis was suffering a lot toward the end . Some of the people closest to him had , he felt , let him down and hurt him terribly . He had the trouble between Priscilla and him , the trouble with other girlfriends , a book was written by some of his bodyguards , and some things were said about his drug use and other problems . That hurt him . And drugs . Drugs were everywhere . In the latter part of his life they started taking complete control . When he 'd fall out of bed in the morning , there was a handful of uppers and he 'd chase it down with coffee . I 'd have to order three breakfasts because he 'd get so out of it on those uppers , he 'd be rattling and talking , and the food would get cold . About halfway into the meal I 'd have to have another one sitting over there ready . He 'd get wired like that , and they 'd give him Valium or something like that later in the day to take the edge off . Then just before he went onstage , the doctors would give him uppers . Then when he came off the stage , they 'd give him something to calm him down , and then they 'd give him something else to go to sleep . Sometimes Elvis would get so out of it that during a meal he would be sitting there and he 'd be nodding off , and you 'd always have to watch him because he 'd get a piece of hamburger meat hung in his throat . On more than one occasion , I had to go in while he was choking in bed and reach down his throat and pull stuff out . Pound on his chest . And it was sad , you know . I mean , this guy 's 19 years older than me , and I 'm holding him up , and I 'd put my arms around him . " You okay , boss ? You sure ? Drink some water . " He was just like a little bitty kid . His health was practically ruined by his life - style . Elvis had real bad eating habits . Everybody was always trying to get him to lose weight , but they had to be careful about making suggestions , or he 'd get mad . So they 'd do it sort of indirectly , like making sure he 'd be within earshot when they 'd say something to somebody else , like , " I had a friend who lost a lot of weight eating yogurt . " So maybe later Elvis would start eating yogurt . He 'd get those little containers of yogurt with fruit , but it didn 't work because he 'd eat maybe 20 of them at a time , and he kept on doing whatever else he was doing too . The same thing happened with peaches . He got on a peach craze , and he 'd eat peaches all day and all night . I 'd find the pits everywhere . Sometimes he 'd just throw them on the floor . He got to be about 250 lbs . It had gotten to where we would have to take giant spools of Saran Wrap , giant ones , and wrap him to hold his stomach in . Which made it almost impossible for him to breathe . In the latter part of his life , he was not really hitting many notes . On his last night alive I had just gotten off the phone with my girlfriend , Robyn . Throughout the years she would encourage me to give up drugs , and she said that , when she hung up the phone , she was going to pray that something would happen to turn my life around . Then I went upstairs and sat down on the bed with Elvis . He pulled the reading glasses down over his nose - he wore the kind that look like they are cut in half - and he flipped the side of his glasses in his mouth . He really looked kind of cool to me ' cause his sideburns hadn 't been dyed yet , and he had gray in them . He was pretty mellowed out . He did seem to be very , very tired , not physically but emotionally spent . As we sat and talked for a while , he handed me a piece of paper , the outline of the book written by his ex - bodyguards . It talked about his drug use . He asked me two questions . He said , " What 's Lisa Marie going to think about this ? " and I didn 't have much of an answer . I just said , " Well , she 's your daughter . I 'm sure she 'll love you . " And then he asked me about the fans . " What 're the fans going to think about this ? " and without even thinking , I was able to say , " Well , they love you no matter what . " We talked for a little while , and I told him about the conversation with Robyn . How I was going to get off drugs , you know , get my life straightened up , that type of thing . I could tell he wanted his medication , his sleeping pills , pretty soon . I use the word medication because if you say the word drugs , people think crack and heroin , which he never used . I 'd brought up a package of medication , pills that were just to the right of the steps ( to the bedroom ) in a cabinet . There were packages in there that Elvis called the attack packs because that 's what he wanted them to do , " attack " him , knock him out . We 're sitting there and talking , and I 'm telling him about Robyn and the advice she 'd been giving me over the years . Elvis had met her and he liked her , thought she was a nice kid . " I really think she 's giving you good advice , Rick , " he told me . " I think she 's somebody that really cares . " He talked for a while longer . A tour was starting the next day , and he was not excited about it at all . When I was leaving , Elvis told me , " I don 't want to be bothered , I don 't want to be disturbed . " To anybody that worked with Elvis , you knew that meant one of two things . He may be wanting to spend time with his girlfriend , Ginger . Or he wanted to sleep . But he let me know he didn 't want to be disturbed , and with Elvis , that was a firm command . Many times I have seen Elvis get so out of it that he 'd go in the bathroom and be sitting on the head , and he 'd fall forward . I have had to go pick him up when that would happen . Many times . And that 's my theory on the death of Elvis . See , that shag carpet 's thick . Big , thick stuff . That night when he fell forward , being so overweight and out of it , he couldn 't lift himself . And he smothered in the rug . If I 'd gone back up there , I may have found him . But I was abusing drugs too . . . I think it 'd be safe to say I had enough Demerol going through me right then to sedate Whitehaven ( a Memphis suburb ) . So instead , I went back to my own room and shot up . I just pretty much went numb from then on out . As for my stepfather , when Elvis died , that was pretty much the end of our relationship . I was quickly asked to leave the mansion - " We don 't need you anymore , " is what Vernon said . He said he 'd give me two weeks ' notice . I had been making about $ 300 a week but hadn 't saved anything . I tried to get a job , worked briefly as a waiter , but nobody seemed to relish looking at my resume . When Elvis died , it was over for me . I had a little car that he had given me , and I went over to a couple of my buddies ' house , slept on their floor and thought of ways of ending it . With the encouragement of Robyn Moye , his long - suffering girlfriend - and now his wife - Stanley emerged from his depression in October 1977 , after a visit to an interdenominational church in Fort Walton Beach , Fla . " Everything in my life changed , " he says . " It was like a tremendous weight was lifted off me . " Now a Baptist minister , he spends much of his time talking to youth groups about the dangers of drugs and dreams of one day establishing a youth drug - treatment center in Elvis 's name . " Someone once said that the three words that had been heard all over the civilized world were Jesus , Elvis and Coca - Cola , " he says . " When you stop and think about using that fame for something good , well , then there 's a good ending . I think he would have liked that . " |
Unlike most of our trips abroad when Jon doesn 't tell me that we are going until about 3 or 4 hours before we climb on the plane , Jon gave me 3 weeks notice of this holiday . I had to let the manager of the Hair Salon where I work know that I wouldn 't be there . When I told them where I was going Debbie ( one of the girls that I work with ) kept pestering me to ask Jon if she could go as well . There 's no way that I would say that she could come with us without first discussing it with Jon . Debbie being Debbie wouldn 't shut up about it and she even offered me a lift home . She was going to try to charm Jon into letting her come with us . ( For those of you that haven 't read my Journal , or the story of ' Debbie 's Pussy Power ' , I should tell you that at an early age Debbie discovered that she could get men to give her just about anything that she wanted just by flashing her pussy at them . However , it doesn 't work with Jon . Jon is very used to having naked young women around him . I wouldn 't say that he isn 't turned on by them , he is , and it had led to a few mini orgies ; it 's just that he 's seen Debbie naked so many times that I 've lost count . He 's also fucked her a few times as well . I should also say that I spend just about all my time at home naked , and when my close friends come to visit , they are usually naked within minutes of arriving . Only the previous Sunday , Debbie and Bridie had spent most of the day sunbathing naked with Jon and me in our back garden . ) Debbie and I got home before Jon and by the time Jon arrived there were 2 naked girls waiting to serve his tea . After about 10 minutes of Debbie being extra nice to him , Jon asked me what was going on . It was then that Debbie went and sat on his lap and started slowly grinding her naked ( probably soaking wet ) pussy onto his dick . ( Jon usually strips - off when he gets home as well ) . Jon told her to stop it or she might just get something that perhaps she wasn 't expecting . It was then that Debbie put on her little girl voice and asked him . At first Jon just said , " Hmmm . " After a long pause Debbie ground her backside down a bit more and Jon said , " That won 't make any difference girl , you know that I have more than enough pussy waiting for me any time that I want it . " Debbie stopped moving around but didn 't get up . After another long silence Jon said , " Okay then , but it will cost you , and I 'm not talking about money . " " Anything , absolutely anything . " Debbie replied . Jon then lifted Debbie off him and told me to clean up his wet dick . As usual , Debbie 's pussy juices tasted nice . As I was cleaning his dick Jon told Debbie that if she wanted to come with us she would have to do EXACTLY what he told her , throughout the holiday . All Debbie said was , " Don 't I always ? " To be fair , yes she does . I can 't remember one time when she hasn 't . On the Friday evening 3 weeks later , Debbie drove me home and put her car in our garage . When Jon arrived I fed him and we then loaded up the car . We didn 't really have much luggage , Jon said that we wouldn 't be wearing much for most of the time . Before we did load the car , Jon went through Debbie 's bag and took out a few things that he said she wouldn 't need . There were 3 items that I didn 't even think Debbie owned - 2 pairs of knickers and a bra . Debbie had told me that she 'd followed in my steps ( well Jon 's originally ) and dumped all her bras and knickers . I hadn 't seen her wearing any for over a year . Anyway , lightly loaded , we set off and drove down to Dover . It was a night ferry crossing and we were all too tired to have any fun . Both Debbie and myself slept for the first few hours that we were in France , and I woke up as Jon opened the window at the motorway tollbooth . Shortly afterwards he pulled into a rest area and we went to get some breakfast . It 's so much warmer in France and I was glad that I only had a short thin dress on ( and shoes ) . My dress was tightish fitting , but Debbie 's wasn 't and I got a great view of her backside when the wind blew her skirt up just as we were going inside . After eating we went to the toilet and then back to the car . Jon was in front of us and just as he unlocked the doors he turned to us and said , " Right , this is where it starts , dresses of , sort out which one of you is driving , and lets get going . " Debbie looked at me but I only got a quick glimpse of her , my dress was already up round my head . When I turned to her , her top covered her head . Her beautiful 34C breasts showing the effects of the fresh , warm French air on her nipples . " Do you want to drive ? " I asked her . She said that she wasn 't bothered so I ran round to the driver 's side and jumped in . As I started the car I looked round , but no one appeared to have noticed the 2 naked girls getting into a car , and I drove off with Jon getting comfortable in the back . Driving on the ' wrong ' side of the road took a bit of getting used to and I did ' cut - up ' a couple of cars at first . One man was shaking a fist at me , but he soon stopped when Debbie lifted herself up so that he could see her tits . " That shut him up , " she said . About 5 hours later I decided that we had better get some petrol so I pulled into the next rest area . I parked the car on the outside row of petrol pumps and was about to get out when Debbie said , " Let me . " Because of the side of the pump that we were parked on , and the side of the car that the tank filler was , Debbie could fill the car without being seen . Well , apart from one man who was parked at the pump behind us . He just stared . When the tank was full Debbie got back in and said to me , " You go and pay then . " I was just thinking about where my plastic was when Jon said , " I 'll do it , I don 't want you arrested before we 've even got there . " He shook his head to tell me to look over to our right . There was a police car parked there with both policemen looking back onto the motorway . When he got back , Jon opened the driver 's door and told me to climb over into the back . The rest of the journey was uneventful . It never stops amazing me that so many people can drive and walk around and not see what 's going on around them . Anyway , we continued on the motorway , then down the N9 until we came to a small town called Pézenas . As we arrived there Jon told Debbie and me to put our clothes back on , as we had to find someone there . The place took a bit of finding , but eventually Jon left us in the car whilst he went and spoke to this person . Jon told us that he was collecting the key to the cottage , or Gite as they call them , that we were to stay at . We the headed off south down this road that got narrower and narrower until we came to this cottage . Jon wasn 't sure that we were at the right place as it didn 't look like what he was expecting , but that didn 't bother him . We parked the car but before Jon would let us go in , he told Debbie and me to take our clothes off again . He said that there was a rule that we were both to be naked whenever we were on the property . It was a beautiful day and we were almost in the middle of nowhere so that was fine by . Debbie didn 't hesitate , and Jon stripped as well . We all walked to the front door , and as Jon was trying to get the key in the front door , it opened and an old man looked at us in bewilderment . In very poor French , Jon managed to realise that we were in the wrong place . The cottage we wanted was another half mile down the road . The poor old man just stared at us as we went back to the car . Debbie was giggling a bit and waggled her backside as she walked . We eventually found the right place . It was fantastic . Four bedrooms , it 's own little swimming pool in a small back garden , and no other building in sight . We had a quick look round then took our luggage in , then had quick swim . Jon put some short on and told us that he was going to find a shop . Debbie and I soaked up the sun until he got back with loads of food and wine . We didn 't do much for the rest of the day , other than eat , drink and enjoy the peace and quiet . We all slept in separate beds that night . Jon was up at dawn and when I emerged he had food on the table and coffee in the pot . He told me that it was the last time that he was going to get the food ready . I went to get Debbie and found her asleep on top of her bed with her legs wide apart and one hand on her pussy . I woke her by pushing one of her own fingers into her hole . After breakfast Jon told us that we were going exploring so we put just some shoes on ( Jon said that shoes don 't count ) , and set off out the back . We found a little wooded area and were walking along a path through it when we heard voices . We followed the sound until we saw a clearing with a river flowing through it . Splashing about in the water were half a dozen teenagers about 15 or 16 . Four girls and two boys . They all had swimming costumes on and were having so much fun that they didn 't see us . We watched them for a minute or so before Jon decided that we should go for a swim as well . We got to the riverbank before they saw us . They stopped and starred at us . I don 't know if it was the surprise of seeing anyone there , or the fact that all 3 of us were naked , or that there wasn 't a pubic hair on any of us ; but we were right in the water before they carried on with their ball game . Boy was that water cold , my nipples were throbbing and as hard as they 've ever been . Luckily , we didn 't stay in the water long and we lay on the grass in the little clearing to get dry and warm up . As we lay there the teenagers got out and walked right past us to their clothes . I had my eyes shut , but I could feel the eyes staring at me . As they walked off , Jon rolled over to me and I saw that he had a hard - on . He told me to straddle him on my knees and to impale myself on him . No problem there , but I could swear that I could see one of the boys looking at us from the bushes . He must have come back to watch us . Debbie just lay on the grass and watched us . When Jon had filled my pussy we got up and continued exploring . We went along the same path that the teenagers went on , and after about 15 minutes came to a little village . Jon didn 't particularly want to walk through that naked , so we turned back . Didn 't see anyone else and I was glad of the dip in ' our ' pool when we got back . Having said that it was great being able to walk through the countryside naked without having to worry about people getting upset because we had no clothes on . It was so relaxing and ' natural ' . The fresh warm air helped as well . Back at the cottage , we opened a bottle of wine ( or two ) and had a very relaxing afternoon and evening . At teatime Jon fucked me again as I tried to get the food ready . It was from behind at the sink as I washed the lettuce . I didn 't think that Debbie had seen us , but as we sat outside talking and watching the stars , Debbie got up and bent down next to Jon . She got hold of his dick and said , " Do I get any of that then ? " " Vanessa seems to be getting all the attention and my pussy is feeling lonely . " Jon never was one for missing an opportunity and told her , " If you can get it hard you can have it . " She did , and she did . Jon lay back in his char and Debbie straddled him with her back to him . With her legs wide I could see his dick going in and out of her . Jon saw me watching and told me to come and help them both . He held Debbie still and I tasted her juices as I licked her pussy and his balls . They both came without even moving . Jon decided that we were going to the beach . I hadn 't realised that we were that close to the Mediterranean Sea . Anyway , Jon told me to pack some food , wine and towels and to get in the car . He told us that we wouldn 't need any clothes , not even swimsuits ( I was a bit disappointed as I was looking forward to wearing my new ' sling ' swimsuit in public ) . It took us about an hour to get to a place called Marseillan - Plage . A little village right on the coast . Jon parked on a little car park on the outskirts and told us to leave everything in the car and we walked down this little track to the beach . The only man - made objects that we had with us were the car keys , some suntan lotion and Jon 's wallet . The beach was relatively quiet with only a handful of people on it . Most were naked . We walked west ( or so Jon said ) , and we came to a place with lots of hotels . By then there were lots and lots of people , all of them naked . We walked right into the ' village ' . Jon told us that it 's called Cap d ' Agde and it 's a naturist resort . What an amazing place , I never knew such places existed . We stayed there for most of the day and it was incredible . It was just like a normal village , people doing everything that happens in a ' normal ' village , but no one was wearing a thing . Even the shopkeepers were naked . There was no way that we were going to have any sexual fun there , but it was only afterwards that I realised that . At the time sex just wasn 't on my mind . Poor Debbie was gob - struck . She 'd never seen anything like it in her life . The words ' shy ' and ' embarrassed ' aren 't in Debbie 's vocabulary so she didn 't have any problems fitting in . She never new such places existed and she was amazed by the whole scale of things . I was a bit , there must have been a couple of thousand people there . Jon had been there before so he knew his way round the place , but it had grown since he was last there . Early evening we left and walked back up the beach . We stopped at the car and had a bit of food and some wine . A number of other naked people came and went . We weren 't the only ones who didn 't bother getting dressed when we got into a car . We then walked along the beach the other way , with the village on our left . As we got further on we saw a number of couples ( every combination of sexes ) making out , some in the small sand dunes , and other in the middle of the open beach . Not very shy or reserved the French . I was up first and had breakfast ready . There was still no sign of Jon or Debbie so I decided to get the rest of the stuff from the car . I was bent over getting something out of the boot when I heard this man 's voice saying something in French . It startled me a bit and I jumped up banging my head on the boot lid . I cursed and held my head as the man came up to me . I couldn 't understand a word he was saying , but he put his hands on the sides of my head and gently bent me forward to have a look to see what the damage was . Fortunately it was just a bump and as I rubbed it and the pain get less I looked at the man and saw where his eyes were looking . He wasn 't looking at my head anymore , and his trousers were turning into a tent . We made eye contact and he said something and left . I turned round and saw Jon walking towards me . That morning we went into Pézenas . Jon told me to wear just my white lycra bikini top ( more suitable for a 10 - year - old ) and my bikini skirt . This is a wrap around little skirt that 's about 10 inches long and doesn 't make it all the way round me . It 's held in place by a cord leaving a gap of about 4 inches ( usually on my right hip ) that tells everyone who looks , that I 've nothing on underneath . Debbie wore a loose , cut - off , crop top and a very short ( 14 inch ) , tight skirt . When she bent over even a little bit the top went up over her breasts and the skirt rode - up showing her ass . When she stood up again it stayed there with her ass and pussy on display , until she pulled it down again . Jon approved of our outfits and we set off . We parked at the side of the road and Jon waited for a man to be passing before he told us to get out in a very un - lady like manor . Poor man , he nearly walked into a lamppost . All due respect to the French , but Pézenas isn 't up to much . In fact it 's a bit of a dump really . At least it has a decent supermarket . Jon told us to ignore him and try to get a few people even hotter under their collars . And we did . We spent ages bending over the freezers and squatting down to get something from the bottom shelves . The cold of the freezers really had an effect on my nipples . Debbie and me were almost having a competition to see how we could shock someone the most without making things too obvious . Daft statement , of course we were obvious . Those people knew exactly what we were doing . Either that or they 're blind or stupid . Anyway , I think Debbie won when she ' handled ' a big carrot . At one point I thought that she was actually going to put it inside her , but she didn 't . One old ladies face looked like it was about to explode . We were having so much fun that we nearly missed Jon leaving and we had to run to catch him . I don 't think that us running would have given their security anything to be suspicious about , there was absolutely nowhere where we could have hidden anything . Well maybe one place . . . We did find one clothes shop that had a few nice looking dresses . Debbie asked Jon if we could go in for a better look . The sales assistant was a girl of about 20 and she looked very bored until we arrived . By the time we left she must have thought that the British people are all exhibitionistic nuts . Some of us are ! Debbie was the first to wake the girl up . She dropped a dress on the floor and bent - over ( at the waist ) to pick it up . The girls got a long eyeful of Debbie 's pussy in all its glory . As Debbie stood up she turned to the girl and said , " Sorry . " The girl never said anything ; she just stared at Debbie 's pussy . Debbie put the dress back on the rack and pulled her skirt back down . My turn I thought . I moved between 2 rails of clothes knowing full well that as I brushed past the one in front of me , my loose fitting bikini top would move to one side . As I got out the other side I pretended not to notice and went up to the girl to ask her if I could try on the dress in my hand . I watched her eyes and as they registered what they were seeing , my nipples went like bullets . Without taking her eyed of my chest she said , " We " and pointed to the back . The changing room was nothing more than a room about 10 feet square with a bit of a curtain for a door . The dress I 'd picked was quite nice , no arms or shoulder straps , but it was obviously too small even for me . My bikini top and skirt were off in seconds and I waited for a minute before going out into the shop holding the dress to cover my body . The girl saw me and I asked her if she could help me . She didn 't understand me so she came over . When she got close I turned and walked back into the changing room . She followed me in and I turned round holding out the dress . She was looking up and down my naked front . She didn 't do anything so I started to step into the dress . As I struggled to pull it up over my thighs it got stuck and she motioned me to take it off again . I gave it to her and she went out . When she came back in I was sat in a chair facing the door with my legs wide open . She saw my pussy rings as she came back in and blushed a little . I put the dress on and went out to show Jon . As I went out , Debbie came in with a couple of dresses . She said something to the girl and started to strip . When I went back in Debbie was naked and just about to pull a dress over her head . When her arms were up in the air I pinched her left nipple , which made her scream a bit . When she saw it was me she laughed and said , " I didn 't realise you were back , I though my luck had changed , " looking at the girl who didn 't know where to look . By the time Debbie had decided that she didn 't like he dress and taken it off , I had taken off the dress I was wearing and was naked as well . I was just about to try on the dress that Debbie had , when Jon came in . The girl looked at him but didn 't say anything . She looked as though she was about to , but stopped herself . Jon turned to Debbie and me and told us to go and find something else to try on . Neither of us attempted to put anything on and walked out . As we did , Jon was asking the girls if she minded us walking around the shop naked . She didn 't answer and I couldn 't hear any more . Out in the shop Debbie and me were looking at other dresses in full view of anyone who would have been passing . I occasionally looked out , but didn 't see anyone looking . I didn 't feel at all exposed , but there again having walked around the town wearing only 2 small triangles on my breasts , and a skirt that when opened up is only 20 inches by 10 inches , it 's not really surprising . We both found another dress and went back to the changing room . Jon was still talking to the girl who hadn 't a clue what he was on about ; she just stood there . Debbie had taken 2 dresses back in with her , one quite big . She gave it to Jon and said , " You 'd look good in this one . " Jon looked puzzled then saw her winking at him . Debbie wanted to shock the girl a bit more and Jon had twigged . He said , " Yes , you 're probably right , " and to the girl , " can I try it on please ? " He didn 't wait for an answer and took it from Debbie and hung it up . The girl looked even more puzzled as Jon turned to face her and whipped his shirt off . The girl just stood there and stared as Jon dropped his shorts to reveal a semi hard - on . She gasped a bit as Jon got the dress and slipped it over his head . By the time it slithered down his body , his semi became a full and the front of the dress rested on top of it . He lifted it over his dick and let it fall . He turned his back to the girl and asked her to zip him up . The mesmerised girl just did it . He turned round to face her showing the big tent in the front that the girl was staring at . Even Jon had to admit that he looked a right prat and all 3 of us burst out laughing . After a minute or so , even the girl laughed . When we all stopped laughing , Jon turned his back to me and told me to unzip him . When I had , he took the dress off and turned to the girl . Her eyes were glued to his dick as he motioned her towards it . I watched her lick her lips as she bent down and took him in her mouth . Debbie put her hand on my pussy ( neither of us had bothered to try the dresses on ) but Jon said , " self satisfaction only girls , " so we both sat down and frigged ourselves . Jon didn 't last long and I saw the girl gulp down his gift to her . The girl stood up and looked at us . When she saw what we were doing she lifted her skirt and her right hand started on her pussy ( she wasn 't wearing any knickers ) . No sooner that she 'd started the doorbell rang . She swore ( I think ) , and went out . We dressed in our own clothes and went out . She stopped talking to the new customer and stared at us as we left . We went back to the car to head back to the cottage , but Jon wouldn 't let us get back in until a man was passing . I climbed into the front and left one leg on the pavement whilst Debbie climbed onto the back seat on her hands and knees . What a sight we must have been . Back at the cottage we unloaded the shopping and went in . Two things happened ; firstly I dropped one of those French stick breads and didn 't even realise . John told me to pick up the ' arm pit bread ' and I just looked at him blankly . When I asked him what he meant he pointed to the bread and said , " How do most of the French people carry their bread home ? Have a look round next time were out . " The second thing that happened was that I forgot to take my clothes off as soon as I got into the cottage . Jon told me that I was going to be punished for that . Debbie has disappeared to the toilet and was naked when she returned and went outside for a swim . It has been a few weeks since my backside had been tanned and I was ( I admit it ) getting a bit complacent at times . Jon looked round for something to warm my backside and came back with a spatula from the kitchen . We then went outside and I bent over and grabbed my ankles , which were about a foot apart . Jon then proceeded to give me 20 swats with me counting them and thanking him . Debbie watched all this and then said to me , " I don 't know why you put up with Jon doing that ? " I replied , " Two reasons , firstly I deserved it , and secondly I enjoyed it . " Debbie said , " Hmm , okay then , but I wouldn 't enjoy it . " " You just don 't know what you 're missing girl ! " I said , and ran a finger over my wet pussy the licked it . Debbie did the same then licked her finger . I moaned a little as she touched my pussy . Debbie then said , " One day - maybe . " That night we walked further down the road until we came to that little village . I wore a halter - top that wasn 't really big enough , and a thin cotton ' A ' skirt ( Jon 's choice , probably because it was windy ) . Debbie also wore a thin cotton ' A ' skirt and the crop top that she wore to Pézenas . We found the only café / bar in the place and doubled its customer count . We sat at a table outside and had a very pleasant evening . As I 've said it was a bit windy and quite a few times when we were leaning back in our chairs , Debbie 's and / or my skirt flew up . A few men were looking at us but all they would have seen was our bare stomachs . The light wasn 't that good , and we had our legs quite close together . I woke up early feeling very happy and sexy , to find Debbie playing with my clit . She 'd just brought me to a beautiful orgasm when I heard Jon moving around in his bathroom . I wanted to return the complement to Debbie , but I just had to get up quick . I jumped up , kissed Debbie on her lower lips and left to get the breakfast . As usual it was a lovely , warm , sunny morning and I set out the food on the table out the back . Jon came out , jumped in the pool and did a couple of lengths before coming for breakfast . As he was drinking his coffee he told me to bend over and touch my ankles . He then said , " I thought so , you 've cum this morning haven 't you ? " Feeling a bit guilty and submissive I said , " Yes , Master . Debbie woke me up by finger fucking me . " " Right then , get me hard then sit on my lap . " I didn 't need any more of an invitation ; I squatted down and took him in my mouth . It wasn 't long before his dick was pointing towards the sky and I was lowering myself onto him . I was slowly going up and down on him when Debbie came out and said , " Already , I 'm jealous , " and poured herself a coffee . She watched us have a long slow fuck as she eat her breakfast . That day we went back to Cap d ' Agde and had another very relaxing day . Well , not quite as relaxing as the Monday 's visit there . At breakfast Jon told me that I had to wear my Ben Wa balls all day . Not to be out done , Debbie decided that she 'd wear hers as well . The walking about took twice as long as normal as both Debbie and me had to keep stopping either to avoid having an orgasm there and then , or to actually have one . Jon decided that we were going swimming for the day . Not to the beach or the river , but to a public swimming pool . He decided that the best place to find one would be in a city so he put some shorts on and Debbie and me put on little skirts and tops and off we went . After what seemed like hours of driving we eventually found a big leisure centre in Marseille . The first thing that struck me was that they had one big changing room with no separate areas for men and women . There were also areas on benches with clothes hooks as well as little changing cubicles . It looked like some people got changed in full view of anyone who happened to be there . Didn 't bother us . The ' big ' swimsuit that Debbie wore is a one piece one that you put your head through then let it fall down your front . You then straighten the front out and then push the lower bits through your legs and grab the cords that then come round your waist to fasten near your belly button . To describe it another way , it started as a thin strap round the back of your neck , then expanded in two pieces to cover your breasts . It then goes down in a deep ' V ' going over your pussy , still in two pieces that are only about an inch wide . They don 't actually meet each other but are both attached to the back part about half an inch apart just where your arse hole is . The back is like a full , high - cut bikini bottom back that comes round to the front as two thin tie cords . These cords can either be tied on top of , or underneath the front part . When I put it on and lean forward with it fastened underneath the front part , the front part hangs forward leaving my breasts and pubis exposed . I also have trouble keeping my clit inside the 2 front parts . The ' sling ' has even less material . It comprises of 2 front bits that nearly cover my breasts . They start with virtually nothing , spread apart to cover my breasts , then taper back to just the bit where the cords attach . The 2 cords then go down my front and have the top part of a triangle that covers my pubis attached to them . The triangle only covers the visible part of my pussy when I 'm stood up . And the 2 cords go either side of my pussy and are fastened together where they meet to go up my ass crack . The 2 cords then part company as they come out of the top of ass cheeks and go over my shoulders to join to the top of breast bits . When you look at me from the side it looks as if I 'm not wearing anything at all . Anyway , I knew that Jon was expecting me to show what little flesh that was covered to the teenagers , and I wanted too as well . As I took my top off then dropped my skirt whilst facing them , they all went quiet and I felt my juices flow . That familiar tingling in my pussy was making me feel good . I turned round with my back to the teenagers and bent over . They got a great view of my ass and pussy as I spent ages ' looking ' for my swimsuit in my bag . When I did get it out I turned back to face them and the spent a long time untangling it before stepping into it . I looked at Debbie and she was still naked , facing them , and pretending to have trouble untangling her swimsuit . When she got it over her neck and the front straightened out , she had to sit down to make it easy to fasten it round her waist . She made sure that her legs were wide open as she did so . I could see that she was wet as well . With the teenagers still staring at us , we locked our clothes in a locker and went out to the pool . There were lots of people there , and many of women were wearing thong bikinis so we didn 't look that much out of place . The French are much more liberal than the British . The pool is quite big with slides and a wave machine . There 's an outside part with sunbeds on the grass . Debbie and me did get a bit of attention from some of the teenage boys and men there , but not as much as I 'd expected . I guess that it 's one of the differences between the French and the British . I 'm sure that I 'd have been asked to leave some of the British swimming pools . Going up ( and down ) the slides was fun , each time I wanted to go up the stairs I 'd wait until a man was about to go up and then get in front of him . A few times I could really feel their eyes staring at my pussy . Needless to say I 'd bend over in front of each of them , just to make sure that they had a good look . It wasn 't just the water from the swimming pool that made me wet . Going down the slides was fun as well . Just about every time I got to the bottom , one of my nipples was showing . Getting changed to go back to the cottage was fun as well . No one else was doing it , but the 3 of us used the communal shower naked . We got a couple of funny looks , but that 's all . The best bit was getting dried . The same group of teenage boys appeared just as we were getting our towels out of our locker . Needless to say that Debbie and me took our time , and paid special attention to the interesting bits . I have to confess to ' tweaking ' my nipples a couple of times , and licking a finger that I 'd slowly inserted into my pussy . That made a couple of the lads jaws drop . I did notice a couple of bulges in the teenager 's trunks , and when I stared at one of the lads , his face went bright red , but he didn 't stop looking . Anyway , we eventually put our skirts and tops on and we all left . Jon surprised me a bit when we got up . I 'd been expecting to stay there for the 2 weeks , but no sooner than we 'd had breakfast he told us to pack our things and we set off down to the coast road and then west until we got to St Tropez . There we headed in - land to a place called St Raphael where Jon collected the keys to another cottage . The journey might have only been about 100 miles , but it took hours . By the time we found the cottage we were all tired . It was a good job that we 'd taken the food that was left in the first cottage . |
I thought it would be a nice change of things to do an interview with a fellow blogger ! The author of Thoughtful Thoughts approached me with the idea , and I thought it would be a lot of fun . I used the pseudonym Molly , so the interview she did with a woman named Molly is IAND . I really enjoyed being interviewed and I hope you find it interesting ! I recently reconnected with a childhood friend after a decade . He turned out to be a really nice guy , counting on the fact that he had always been rowdy and unruly when we were kids . What amazes me more is that he 's a musician . ( I 've always been weak at the knees for musicians . ) He 's really sweet and all ( I mean , he seems to be the guy I 've been waiting for ) but there 's a catch - he 's involved in a Christian youth group at his university . I mean , I love God too , but not to the extent that he does . In the midst of all my academic requirements , I don 't think I can commit to all the activities / meetings / etc . that he keeps on inviting me to . When we hang out ( he 'd walk me to the bus station since I pass by their school and he 's a dormer ) , we don 't talk about all the religious stuff as much as we talk about ourselves and each other . Still , I 'm confused as to whether he just hangs out with me to convince me to join their organization or to actually get to know me better after all those years that we haven 't seen each other . It sounds like this guy is actually into you . If he only talked about his youth group when you were around , I would believe that he just wanted you to join the group . It sounds like he is actually interested in who you are as a person , not just interested in getting you involved in something he is into . You have to remember that he is not defined by his youth group affiliation , and just because he is involved in it , doesn 't mean it is all he thinks about . It seems like he is going above and beyond the call of a friend to get to know you better , and it sounds like you would enjoy getting to know him better as well . You can always test the water a bit ; invite him to do something off campus that does not involve his youth group . It doesn 't have to be a date , just a chance to hang out . If all he talks about is the group , then maybe he doesn 't have room in his life for much more right now . If he talks about his life or continues making an effort to learn about yours , I would take it as a clear sign that he sees you as more than a recruit . If you are interested in more than friendship from this guy , maybe you need to discuss it with him . Plenty of couples I know consist of two people who feel a different level of religious conviction . If he likes you for who you are , then he won 't feel the need to push his group on you . You will have to feel it out , and see if a conversation about a relationship or more than a friendship is something you 're ready for . It might suit you perfectly to get to know him better for a while and just let life happen ! The thing is , I really like a boy since about two years ago . I don 't want to like him , I tried to talk to him ( but everybody says I didn 't . Maybe I just don 't know the way to talk to him because I think he 's too special to talk with a girl like me . I guess he doesn 't like me a bit , in fact , I do believe he hates me . Two years have passed , and I can 't go out with anyone else because I just can 't stop loving him . I 'm afraid it won 't be over . Right now , I just want to let him go , but I don 't know how , I can 't stop thinking about him and because of that , I consider myself pretty weird . I don 't like being weird . I just want you to know that no guy is any more special then you are . You need to stop looking at him like he is someone better than you . It simply isn 't true . You as yourself are great , and you are just as valuable as any other person . I can understand that you 're having problems with your crush on this guy . It sounds like it may be your first big crush , and that is always the hardest to get over . If you do not want to approach this guy , and try to make a go of it , then it is time to let him go . There is no special answer I can give you that will make you stop caring . You will have to make an attempt every day to see him as a regular person , who holds no power over you . If all you can do is think about him , it 's time to re - train your brain to think about other things . Maybe you need to throw yourself into school work , or pick up a hobby . You will be even better off if you find something new to keep you busy that involves other people . Maybe you will meet someone else who you consider special enough for your attention . I think it will also help if you figure out why this guy has a special hold on you . What is it that makes him seem so irresistible to you ? Maybe you need to focus on what you don 't like about him , or focus on why you don 't want to be with him . If you truly don 't want him , you will get over it . It just takes time . There is no way to speed up the process of getting over someone , trust me , if there were , girls everywhere would be spared . - I Am Not Defined Things started getting very difficult for me when I started questioning my mind . I wondered if everyone else felt as depressed and unhappy in life as I did . I seriously doubted all of my happy - go - lucky friends could feel like I did , and still smile and goof around all day . Life started to wear me down , and I started dealing with long spells of deep depression , and I had no idea how to handle it . My family situation was still rough , and I felt like my friends were mostly superficial and fake . I had had a very hard time with a boy who I yo - yo dated in middle school and high school . I had never dealt with a guy who tried so hard to make me jealous , and my emotions were easily pulled down . The guy I had seen off and on insisted on dating my close friends when we were not together , and loved making moves on them behind my back when we were together . I took it to heart , and felt like there must have been something wrong with me if he felt the need to act like that . I was always blaming myself for everything , and I felt like people always treated me the way they did because of something I had done . I held everything in because I didn 't feel like I had anyone to share with , or knew anyone who could relate to my problems . I started feeling like I couldn 't handle things anymore , and that 's when I started to cut . I don 't know why I thought that cutting was the answer , but at the time , I felt like it was a necessary release . I could beat myself up emotionally , but if I cut myself , I could really feel the pain . I think I was so fazed and numbed by life at that point , and it felt like the only way I could connect to something . It didn 't really make sense then , and I think back to it now , I wonder what I was thinking . Cutting myself didn 't solve any of my problems . In retrospect , I think it made things harder for me . It was just one more hurdle to get over . Cutting didn 't fix the problems I had , or help my emotional pain go away , it didn 't solve anything . If anything , it made me feel worse about myself . It was a bad idea then , and I recommend it to no one , your body is important , you only get one , so you better take care of it . You can 't let people get to you ; you can 't let life get to you . One of the boys I grew up with was teased like crazy for being different . He once told me he started cutting himself because it made him feel something other than rejection . It wasn 't a good way for him to deal with things , and I didn 't know it then , but his adventures in self - mutilation eventually lead to his suicide . When I learned about his death , I started to really reconsider the way I was harming myself . I didn 't want to die . Sure I had dealt with some very depressing times , but I still had hope that better things were in my future . I immediately stopped cutting myself , and never picked up a blade again . I feel like I don 't belong in my group of friends at school . I don 't have that " label " that people have for other people , such as : the friend that always gives good advice , the friend who always makes me laugh , the friend who never makes a moment awkward , the friend who has the best fashion and I love to shop with , etc . I don 't fit in the categories that my friends want me to be in . I just don 't understand , all my friends are nice to me at school and school activities . I am social and talkative , but I never actually hang out with anyone . They never invite me to anything , and I am not sure why . But I am also paranoid to ever hang out with one of my friends one - on - one . I don 't know why , but I am . I am scared of being awkward or not good enough or funny enough , and it really bothers me . I am scared that they like me , but find everyone else and their other friends way more appealing and more fun to hang out with . This also translates into my dating life , which is non - existent . I am so scared that I can 't go on real dates because I will be too awkward . Is it possible that you project your insecurities onto your attitude around your friends ? Maybe they don 't invite you out because you don 't seem into it . Maybe your friends see your fear of being awkward as a standoffish attitude . Simply put , maybe they don 't invite you out because you don 't act like it would be interesting to you . Instead of worrying about how you could act or what you could do , let go and relax . Just be . You don 't have to be labeled as one thing or another . You are you , and that is plenty . You do not have to be any type of person for your friends to like you . They are your friends and they like you because you are awkward and undefinable . You don 't have to give great advice , or have perfect fashion sense to be a good friend , or to be liked by your friends . They obviously see something in you that you don 't see ; maybe you 're just a good friend in an unconventional way . It doesn 't matter ; you should be liked for being the person you are , not because you fit into some cliché category that doesn 't mean anything in the long run . If you want to do more things with your friends , make the effort . Have you ever tried inviting one of them to do something ? Maybe they don 't invite you to do things because you don 't ever try to do things with them . People make assumptions , it happens , whether it 's true or not . I am sure your friends would be more than willing to do more if you simply tried to do more with them . Who cares if your awkward , that is just part of who you are , embrace it . I know a lot of guys who love awkward , clumsy , shy , quiet , odd girls . Not everyone wants the girl who has the best outfit , or fills every awkward pause . Most guys want a real girl , odd character traits and all . You have nothing to be insecure about , who cares what people think of you , what matters is what you think of yourself . Don 't be so hard on yourself . I have no doubt that most of your friends feel awkward in social situations as well . They just may not show it in the same way . I know I always worry if I 'm talking too much , or laughing weird , and most of the women I know worry about similar silly things . Who cares if you say the wrong thing , or trip over your own feet , you 're a real person , and no one is perfect all the time , we all say and do things we wish we hadn 't . Give yourself the freedom to just be , you don 't have to worry about every little thing , if you do , you 're going to miss the awesome things happening in front of you . If you worry less , you will enjoy yourself more , and if you put yourself out there a bit , you will likely find your friends willing to do more . Guys will come , and the right one won 't care if your awkward , he will like you for all that you are , and are not . Just don 't miss him because you 're stressing about what to say or do ! - I Am Not Defined I felt a lot better in high school than I had before , but things were not perfect . It seems like I always had a boyfriend , but my taste in guys was terrible . It seemed like I loved a rebel , and asshole guys were my specialty . I dated a lot of guys who made me feel like I should be doing more with them than kissing , and it made me uncomfortable . It reinforced my feelings that guys only wanted sex . I couldn 't figure out why I couldn 't find a guy who liked me as I was , and didn 't want to pressure me to be differently , or think differently . I had my friend set me up with a guy once , he was a friend of her boyfriend , and played football for another school in town . He seemed very nice , and I thought he really liked me . We talked for ages and started dating . We got to go out on a double date for Valentine 's Day , and it was the first time I got to go out on a date . It was also the first time I had a solid Valentine . To say I was excited would be an understatement . I couldn 't find anything good to wear , so I made my dress . I did my hair and make - up as well , a rarity for me . We got to get dinner and go to a movie , but my parents were pretty strict , I had to go home after the movie . When the movie ended , everyone wanted to go over to my friend 's house , but I couldn 't go . The guy just didn 't understand why I wouldn 't go back to my friend 's house with him , and thought that I didn 't want to be with him . I tried my best to explain that my parents said I had to go home after the movie , and left . The next night we were all supposed to go to a school dance together , and I was really excited about this as well . I talked to my boyfriend that day , and he said he would go to the dance with my friend 's boyfriend , and meet me out front . I got dolled up again , and headed to the dance . When I got there I couldn 't find my friend or our boyfriends . I called my boyfriend , and he told me that his parents wouldn 't let him go . I believed him and called my friend to find out where she was . She told me that they were not coming to the dance ; they were going to go bowling instead . I told her what my boyfriend had said about his parents not allowing him to go to the dance , and she told me he had lied . I guess he thought he was getting even with me , and I didn 't hear from him again after that night . I started rebelling because I felt like one bad thing after another kept happening . I was so tired of dealing with all the negative crap . I was having a hard time handling family issues , and trying to balance social pressure , and my own awkwardness . One day I picked up one of my brothers cigarettes , and thought " people don 't get addicted to these , how stupid " . I wanted to do something rebellious I guess , so I lit it up . I was instantly in love with the buzz it gave me . I had never felt like that before , and it seemed really nice . After that first cigarette , I started sneaking out of class with some of my friends who also smoked . We would sneak down to the pool hall by our school , and smoke cigarettes out back . Some of my friends started noticing that I smelled like cigarettes , and I admitted that I smoked . I loved the buzz they gave me , and how cool they made me feel . It felt like empowerment in a stick . Several of my friends got very upset with me about smoking , and lectured me . I didn 't want to hear it , and pretty much blew them off . I lost a lot of friends over the situation , but I didn 't care as much as I should have . I even had one friend tell me she hated me to the depths of her soul , dramatic , but it still didn 't seem to get to me . It was the first time I chose something stupid over my friends . I didn 't want to quit smoking , and loose that buzz , so I let my friends go . It wasn 't the right decision . I should have cared more about my friends , and that they only cared about my health . This was the beginning of a terrible habit of choosing things that were bad for me , over people who loved me and cared about my well - being . It 's part of the mind of an addict . We don 't care what we do to get there , we just want to make sure we get whatever it is that we are addicted to in the end . The mind of an addict is a dangerous place , and choosing substances over friends isn 't personal , we are just so wrapped up in our addictions we can 't see properly . I didn 't see it then , I thought it was just cigarettes , and I didn 't really care , but over the years I chose a lot of bad things over some truly great people . I wish I could have told myself then that it wasn 't going to do me any favors , but hindsight is 20 / 20 isn 't it ? Okay , ever since I started on WordPress , I 've tried to find people and stories to encourage me to keep going in life . For the past few months , I 've felt absolutely lost . What does that mean ? Ever since I found that my will to continue has diminished significantly , it 's been a struggle every day to just do what I need to do . I know I have depression , and I 've been getting treatment for it for a while … but after 7 years of being diagnosed with it , it has taken a large toll on my mindset . My family has gone through so much emotional hardships since then . We 've done family therapy , we opened up , and we 've become closer than ever . As I get older , I started noticing that my family appears to think that I have this under control . They think I am getting better , that the problems aren 't that major . How am I supposed to tell them that I 've been relapsing over the past 3 months ? I tried talking about things with my friends , but I found only one of them understands completely , and I know she can 't handle everything I tell her because we 're in the same boat . How can I keep myself from falling back into reclusive habits ? I feel like if I tried to tell my family what was wrong , I would get blamed , in some way , for still feeling like this . I 'm lost on how to approach this . Could the answer really be right in front of me , and I 'm just scared to face it ? You said that you and your family tried therapy , and that it worked really well for you then , so I wonder , have you tried it on your own ? Have you talked to a therapist or counselor recently about your relapses ? If you haven 't maybe it is time to . It sounds like you 're having hard time handling things on your own , so maybe you need some help right now . If you 're afraid of how your family will handle everything , talk to someone about it . Maybe they can help you find a good way to reach out . If you really just want to talk to your family members about your situation , then maybe do it in baby steps . Maybe take them aside one at a time , and test the waters . Hint at possibly having some problems , and see how they react . They might surprise you , and be completely understanding . It sounds like your family really cares about you , having gone through such great lengths to get you help . I think you are probably thinking they will react badly , when they will most likely be understanding and try to help . If it doesn 't go well trying to talk to your family , or they don 't react well when you test the water , maybe seek some support groups . There are a lot of people out there who suffer from depression , and I have no doubt that any search engine can give you numerous links . If you 're afraid of withdrawing from the people around you , keep yourself from doing so . When you notice that you haven 't been out in a while , don 't be afraid to call up a friend or family member and make plans . The people around you may not understand what you 're going through , but they do still enjoy your company and want to be around you , so use it to your benefit . A good laugh with friends is severely underestimated when it comes to feeling down . I truly hope you find someone you can talk to , and don 't sink further into your depression . Remember that there is a light at the end of every tunnel , and no feelings will last forever . You can and will get through this . You have done so for seven years ; it 's understandable that you are having a hard time . Everyone needs a break from trying so hard all the time . Just remember what you have in your life to be thankful for , and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel like yourself . I hope things get better ! By the time I started high school , my view on boys was pretty screwed up . I had grown up having had mostly negative interactions with guys , and I was pretty scared because of it . When it came to my dating life , I was probably pretty difficult to deal with . Having been molested , I had little trust in the male race , and I thought that every guy was out to get me . My first crush was over one of my parent 's friend 's son . We hung out together a lot since our parents were friends , and we were often joined by the daughter of another couple . I remember being pretty good friends with the girl , and we both had crushes on this boy ; he was pretty good - looking , and a year older than us . Looking back on the situation now , I can clearly see that he played us both , even though we were kids . He used to sit between us and whisper in my ear about how much he liked me . I knew he was also telling my friend the same things , but I thought he was just trying to make her feel better . I 'm pretty good at convincing myself to see things in a better light , if you hadn 't noticed ! Things never got to crazy , but I did kiss him a few times . He was my first little girl crush , but I let it go pretty well in the end . Eventually our parents just didn 't hang out as much , so we stopped seeing each other . I didn 't expect it to come back to me later in life . During my last year in middle school , my supposed friends down the street had their way with me again . They dressed me up and paraded me around their house and had a few friends over . One of them just so happened to be the boy that I had a crush on as a little kid . I tried my best to seem cool , but I 'm sure I just came off as quiet and awkward . After they left , I told the girls all about my old crush on this guy , and how we used to be really good friends when we were kids . He was a pretty popular guy and still good - looking , so the old crush came right back . My friends told me that he had a girlfriend that they went to school with , but she was a really crappy person . They told me several bad things about her , and I really felt like I should hate her . The girls got it in their head that they were going to help me catch this guy , even though he had a girlfriend . I went to a different school then they did , so I didn 't know her , and I convinced myself that she was a bad person , so it was somehow ok . They dolled me up again , and reminded me just how pretty I would be if I wasn 't so heavy . They invited this guy over , and we hung out in one of the girls rooms listening to music , and hanging out . I was pretty shy and quiet , I didn 't have a clue how I was supposed to handle myself in front of guys , let alone guys I had a crush on . I about had a panic attack when both of the girls found an excuse to leave the room , and leave me alone with him . He started making small talk , and then caught my attention when he said something about how the girl told him I really liked him . I didn 't know what to say and I probably just sat there with my mouth open looking confused for a minute . He must have taken that as a sign , and he quickly came and sat next to me . Before I knew it he was kissing me . The girls came back pretty quickly , and we all hung out a bit longer . We also took some random pictures of the four of us goofing around , and hanging out . I gave the guy my phone number , and told him to give me a call , and we could hang out sometime , and the night ended . This guy never called me . It was pretty hard , I was young and I thought he really liked me . I felt like I had known him for a really long time , and he should have called . I thought I had done something to make him not want to call , and I was pretty hard on myself . I thought that him not calling was just about the worst thing ever , but I was very wrong . My so - called friends were apparently not very fond of this guy 's girlfriend , and had pretty much set the whole thing up . After we all hung out that night , they had gone to his girlfriend , and told her all about how he was secretly dating another girl . They went so far as to show her the picture from us all hanging out , but they had omitted most of the pictures with them in them , incriminating me and her boyfriend . I guess she was pretty pissed , and broke up with him over it . He thought I was in on it , and was pretty pissed at me as well . This was the end of my friendship with these girls . It was one thing to have a guy hurt you , but it was another thing to be hurt by people you consider friends . I couldn 't believe that they had used me like this , and I was upset with myself for following along . I was angry at myself for hurting another girl , and I was very sad over the loss of my friends . Real friend would never use someone like that . I had also had a taste of what it was like to ruin someone 's relationship , and I really felt like a jerk for taking part in that . I learned that it was never ok to cheat or to help someone cheat , someone always gets hurt , and that 's not cool . It also made me re - evaluate what I considered a friend . Friends don 't hurt friends , and they certainly don 't use them in their plots against others . In the hierarchy known as middle school , most people think that they are better than someone else . This is usually extremely true for the popular crowds , who seem to think that they are better than most . This is also true for the outcast kids . Just because they aren 't part of the popular crowd doesn 't mean they are at the bottom of the food chain . In middle school I had several equally outcast friends , and we formed a decent group of loner kids . I still thought that I was better than a few , and I played into popularity like almost every other kid . There was one girl in particular who I thought was at least lower than me on the social food chain . I am not proud but I took many of my frustrations out on her , and made fun of her with my friends . I felt like making fun of her made me better somehow , and I wasn 't very nice . I didn 't connect the dots , and realize that I was doing to her , what other kids did to me . My friends and I made her life more difficult , and I have no doubt that we made her feel bad about herself . In all fairness , her side was pretty much the same . She and her friends saw themselves as a little bit better than us , and taunted us as well . We never got along and it was fairly safe to say that we were enemies . Both of us playing into what was socially acceptable , and making life more difficult for one another . This went on for all three years of middle school . She dated a friend of mine once , and when that didn 't work out , we had even more fuel for the fire . We called her names based on her bodily characteristics , and put her down repeatedly . I am not proud of myself for how I treated another person in school ; it seems so silly to me now that I didn 't see myself giving her the same hell I was going through . Before graduating from middle school , all the 8th graders got to go on a field trip to some fun place . Like all the other students , I went along for the fun . The day started off with all the older students getting on busses to head out . When I got on the last bus , there were no seats available , except for the one next to my so - called enemy . I had to sit next to her for the entire ride there and I wasn 't looking forward to it . At some point along the way we stopped ignoring each other and made real small talk . I had never really talked to her before , and I was surprised at how well we could carry a conversation . That moment of friendship ended as soon as we got there , and we found our own friends . The day carried on , and everyone enjoyed not having to be in class for an entire day . I saw my enemy a few times but never approached her . On the ride home we had to take the same bus we took to get there , and once again we ended up sitting next to each other . We easily struck up a conversation again , and before long we had each other in giggles . It amazed me that this person I thought I hated so much , could be so fun to talk to . Conversation came so easily to the two of us , and we really seemed to have a lot in common . I started thinking about why I didn 't like her , and I couldn 't really think of a good reason . So what if other people didn 't like her , other people didn 't like me either . There was nothing bad about this girl , and she really was nice . I wasn 't really sure why people were so mean to her . She was different yes , but she wasn 't weird or crazy . I learned that her family situation was pretty crappy . She had a single mom who was prone to drunken outburst , and a total lack of sobriety . We quickly bonded , and she spent more time at my house then her own . By the time we started high school together , she was more like a sister . I couldn 't believe that I had spent the last three years acting like a total jerk to this girl for no real reason . Just because it was socially acceptable didn 't make it ok , and in the end I really did like her . If I hadn 't given in to the social pressure of popularity , I would have found my best friend earlier . I am so thankful that we were able to see beyond the reputation other kids had given us , and see each other for who we really were . It was a good lesson to help me realize that people are not defined by what others say , nor how they look , or your preconceived notions of them . I learned to take the time to get to know someone even if other people have bad things to say about them . How do you know that other people took the time to get to know someone before judging them ? Maybe we should all take the time to see who a person really is before we judge them . I think a lot of people will find that instead of making enemies , they make friends . I know I am thankful for my best friend , and for the many years we have been able to lean on each other . I 'm not sure if I 'm asking for advice or what , but just I 'm letting you know I admire what you 're doing , it takes a lot of guts . My brother was molested when he was younger , but he was living with my grandparents because my mom couldn 't handle him anymore . It was a retarded guy who lived in the nearby area , and more is being revealed as i get older . He 's all over the place emotionally and he decided drugs were the thing to help him , if not just get him through the day . There 's been a shift lately though , and he is clean and he feels better . He is seeing a psychiatrist to find some meds that can help him feel normal again . He 's been diagnosed with bipolar / borderline personality disorder , all sorts of other things . It makes sense , but he was just a boy trying to figure out what was wrong with him , and he tried every method available . He just tried negative ones , and they all lead him to one addiction or another . The only trouble he got in were cries for attention , like going to rehab , or getting some woman to pay a train ticket to Montreal , where she would wire him money , and he could party for a while . He got to Montreal and didn 't have a photo id , so he couldn 't get the money , and was stuck there without a dime . He was 16 , but the adventures he 's been on , and the quest he 's been out for was to feel good . He just wanted to feel good , so i could never stay mad at him for long when he didn 't get along with us . He was violent when he was younger , he did live with us off and on , but it was too late , and the damage was done . I don 't think he ever felt accepted . I tried telling him , to do what he had to do , but I 'm always here for him , and I always have been . He 's been there for me too . I hope this time around he sticks to his guns , and stays positive when things get tough . Life is harsh sometimes , but it doesn 't have to be bad , or stay that way . When i was a bit younger , maybe 5 years ago , I went for a mental evaluation , to see if there was anything wrong with me . Sure i smoke pot , and - Confused It sounds like you carried a lot of weight on your shoulders as a child . It can be very stressful always being the " parent " sibling . It takes a lot of effort to make sure that the people around you are taken care of , and I am sure you didn 't have as much time to worry about yourself . Acting as a caregiver can really force you to grow up , and see the world in a different light . Maybe you were robbed of your childhood because of this ? It also seems like you grew up in a world where things seemed fairly out of control , which might cause you to act more controlling in your adult life . It seems like you have a handle on your anger , in a sense that you know when you need to get away , but have you figured out why you are so angry ? Maybe if you can get to the root of your anger , you will be able to get a better hold on it , and not always have to flee ? It sounds like getting help has done a lot for your brother , maybe you need someone to speak to , an impartial person who can just listen while you get it all out . Bringing things to light , and understanding them can do amazing things for the soul . Just because your brother and sister had different traumas then you , doesn 't make yours are less important . You still had to grow up under the same circumstances , with the same people . Maybe your wife having issues was too hard on you , after growing up with your siblings , and always having to help them . Was it too much to have that in your marriage as well ? If you 're not emotionally stable in your own mind , you will never be able to help someone else get or stay emotionally stable . Maybe you both need someone to talk to . At the very least you seem able to clearly see where your upbringing was flawed , and now that you have a daughter of your own you can do you 're very best to make sure that she is brought up differently . Things may or may not get better with your wife , but you have to come to terms with yourself before the two of you will really be able to hash it out . It sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders , and I think you can do really well and go far . Turn your experiences into something better , and grow from them . I really think you can figure this out , and feel better about yourself and your life . I 'm sure times are hard , but they will get better ! |
I decided I needed a place to vent and / or to celebrate about writing . I 'm a Wordsmith : stories , novels , poems , religious statements , political commentaries . I Post on writing : how to - venting - updates on my writing , and on anything I 'm excited about . I will also be posting a story or three . And I review on books and / or writers I 'm reading and anything else that might strike my fancy such as concerts I 've been to , adventure dreams I recall etc . . Sighing , the man thought , I 'm so bored I 'm jumping on ants . He stood , in a gray business suit and solid red " power " tie , waiting for the bus with five others . The incident had started a few minutes ago as he watched the ant make its way along the sidewalk in front of the four bus stop benches . He had , by taking very small steps , followed the ant as it climbed over an ice cream stick . He kept pace with it as it stopped to exam an unidentifiable piece of debris . Once the ant had gotten close to the end of the bus stop the man had suddenly leaped as high as he could jump . He came down with his left foot on the ant , smashing it . After he was done he went back to his seat mumbling , " I 'm so bored I would do anything for excitement . " He seemed to be disappointed that the show was over , even though he was responsible for its ending . Or so thought another man sitting on one of the other benches . He had been watching the people waiting at the bus stop and those walking by , hoping for an inspiration . He hadn 't had one for weeks . Now as he thought about the other man 's reaction to boredom he grabbed his briefcase , fumbling with the locks in his hurry to get it open . Once he had it opened , he reached in and pulled out a small legal pad and a pen . He flipped a couple of pages and started scribbling . Two pictures had come to his mind . The first one , showing a giant ant breaking through the concrete of the sidewalk close to where the bored man was seating he rejected . It was too cliche - ish . The second one , of a supernatural being who was bored out of his skull . The Being couldn 't be killed and he could have whatever he wanted , and was bored out of his mind . After noticing a man walking by , he followed him , to watch how the human overcame obstacles . That one had potential , even if it to was cliche - ish . On second thought the giant ant idea had potential also , he could make it not so much like a cliché , if he wrote it right . So thinking he draw a line under what he had just wrote . Next he began to write out the ant story idea . As he was writing his bus arrived . The bored man was the first to get on , followed by the others who had been waiting . The writer was tempted to keep writing , but as the last of those in line paid their fares , he stuffed his pad into the briefcase . Running up the steps , he drew a card out of his shirt pocket . He flashed his prepaid card and found an empty seat , as the bus pulled back out into traffic . He thought about what he had told his son , one never knew when inspiration would hit . A man fighting boredom , and he got two ideas . He thought , the one about the supernatural being was one of my better ideas . The End Finally I have decided to add three stories . Two of them - - the first and last of this batch - - are old tales I wrote five to six years ago . I have revised them a couple of times over the years , as I learned more about writing and just now I added some to them to make them read better . So even with the revisions they are not my best . At the same time I think they are solid stories you might enjoy . Each of these three are Science Fiction . I must add though , that even though I tried more than likely they could use some help with nitpicks and commas . I worked on those two problems , but I assume I didn 't catch everything - - which I apologize for . All together they are around 6 , 000 words . So here is Story 1 : I entered the Vision Center filled with dread . The place smelled antiseptic , but with various colognes and deodorants mixed in with it . That various odors didn 't do anything to help my mood ; they actually made me want to chew gum . Its apple - mango - wasabe flavor would do away with bad tastes that would form . The procedure needed to correct my vision is simple with very little danger . That is what , Dr . Hue , my optometrist , and my friends have told me more than once , however I 've seen it done . It looked simple all right , but still it made me nervous . The low voices , and the rustle of smart paper didn 't calm me either . The cool air inside did however , for some reason I didn 't understand . I 'm only sixteen , I 've had my eyes checked every year for the last nine years , just like the tell me to do . As with every previous checkup I felt amazement when the optometrist seated me in front of the photoropter . In this age of advancements , they still liked to use the old fashion equipment . A computer flipped the lens down over my eyes , but it 's still very much like the original . I looked it up online . When I first saw it , I thought it was an antique , for display . I was greatly surprised when Dr . Hue seated me in front of it . During one of my later check ups I asked about it . My optometrist explained that it was the same device they had used for over one hundred years . They thought it did better job , with hands on , than a 3 - D image or laser measuring device . As I finished this last time , I was greatly disappointed to learn my vision what it should be . I hadn 't notice anything out of the ordinary ; Dr . Hue explained that most people didn 't notice anything because the deterioration was gradual . Now I sat , getting more nervous the longer I stayed there . I tried to think of nice things , but that didn 't help . I looked down and noticed some magazine covers , and thought I could distract myself by reading . I picked up one cover with three magazine sections on the front . I pressed the section I wanted and waited the few Once we were facing each other he said , " I see that you 're nervous . Most people are when they come here , but there 's no reason to be . We have been correcting vision this way , for fifteen years , and I personally have been doing it for ten . I 've been trained in all the latest techniques . Of course things could go wrong even with something this simple , but I 'm very careful and have a perfect safety record . You can watch someone else having their vision corrected if it would help . " That idea , made me feel even more uncomfortable , so I said , " No , just go ahead and start on me . " He nodded and got out a narrow box about six inches long and three inches wide . Next he brought out what looked like a medical instrument . Finally he pressed a button and I felt a tingling sensation on my hands and face . He opened the box , but I kept my eyes on his face . He reached up to my right eye with the instrument and did something . I couldn 't see what and I didn 't want to know , even when I felt a slight tug . Jordan put the device on the table for a moment , while he got something out of the box . He did something else to my right eye . When he paused for a moment I couldn 't help it , I glanced down at the table top . I immediately looked back up . What I saw made a bit of bile come up , but I swallowed it back down as fast as I could . Jordan repeated the procedure on my left eye . When he was finally done he gave me a treated cloth to wipe my eyes , because both were tearing . I blinked several times and looked around . I could see better . My eyesight really had deteriorated after all . Jordan had me read a few lines on a piece of paper , than to describe a painting ten feet away . I passed every test and he smiled . He smiled again . We stood , he shook my hand . I said , " Thank you " and walked out of the center . The payment had already been taken care of , so I went home . My mother asked how things went and I said the procedure went fine and I really could see better . I went to my room and , using my computer , called a friend of mine . Once he answered Jason asked how things went . Again I said they went fine . I continued , " It was freaky though . I glanced down and saw my old eyeball sitting on a white cloth . I knew it was mine , but I was seeing through the new cloned eyeball , so it didn 't feel like it had ever belonged to me . It was surreal . Up to that point I had kept me eyes on him , so I hadn 't see my new eyeballs , but I couldn 't help it . I looked at my old ones . " He said , " I told you there was nothing to it . I 've had the same procedure done three times and it has always gone smoothly . No pain , with that field they use . " " I know you said that , but it 's still freaky . I mean it took them only two weeks to grow new eyeballs for me . Two designed to give me perfect sight . " " Since it is over . . . and you can see better , come over tomorrow for a game . I 've been wanting to play you with the new 3D Dragons but you have been avoiding a rematch for three months . If you really can see better you should be able to score better , " He said with a smile . Story two which has something special . I wrote it a few weeks ago to go along with National Talk Like A Pirate Day . On a whim I decided to add some half - way hidden references to other published stories . I have noticed that even pros will do that , so I thought I would give it a try . They name no names - and I don 't either - but at times it easy to figure out what is meant . That is why I decided to place the story here instead of sending it to any markets . If you can figure out all of the references I will name you in a blog post and if it is before Oct 29 - 2014 I will give you a coupon code for half my E - book at smashwords . com Of course that code has been placed in two blog posts but just in case you missed those I will give it to you . So here is 2 : The four captains walked from the crowded main room to the side room . It had it 's own small bar with a smaller grill . Popcorn , peanuts and something none of the humanoid captains wanted to try - - they smelled worse and moved . The long bearded man dressed in a thick overcoat with large brass buttons sat down first . The gold shirted captain nodded and opened his mouth to speak , but the first guy continued , " Ye must tell us of another adventure of yours , fighting with those bony headed bastards . They should all be keelhauled , or made to walk the plank . But before ye do we should order our drinks . They have the best grog here than on all of the seven seas and even under in Davy Jones Locker . " The bearded captain said , " And Captain ye have become much sever since we last met . And I see ye have a good pirate 's patch and a metal arm now . Ye have to tell us how you received them , in good honest combat I have no doubt . That will be a tale to shiver me timbers I be sure . " She glanced at one arm , it appeared flesh and blood , so she may wonder how he could tell it wasn 't . The last captain sat tall and straight . His body looked narrow and he spouted pointed ears . He wore a white outfit that looked like a robe and pants combo . The bearded captain said to him , " And last once we have our drinks I will toast ye , for your story last time of the bearded wizard and his trip to the far mountains with his companions to help defeat the evil man was the best tale I have heard in all me trips over the ocean blue . Ye need to go on with that tale tonight . Those pint sized cave dwellers are landlubbers to the worse degree , they need be stopped . " " Arrrg , we decided to adventure - it had been awhile since we had one and me men were restless - and we took on supplies for a long trip . When the holds were full me and my scurvy crew sailed out for a certain land I had heard tales about . After we sailed on for a week and two days , I called a stop to take a look around . The sea looked as it should and smelled right . The sky appeared the bluest blue I had ever seen - which is one reason I loved the sailing life . With none of the signs I expected from the tale I ordered us to sail on . Not a bell later , a sudden a squall came up in the days , at night fog or clouds blocked the moon . That did not slow us though , for we traveled as we had been told by someone in Davy Jones Locker , when we visited there last time . After a few days the skies cleared and I took a reading that night , the moon stood full and the stars bright . The next day we sailed on a smooth as glass sea with a wee bit of wind . The next night I took another reading , we hadn 't moved . Arrrg , I wanted to keelhaul whoever had played with my sextant . The next day we moved on and the next night the sky read the same . We had traveled leagues those two days , but we were back where we had started . A stronger wind came up the next day , I had the crew lower a longboat to keep a better eye on the sea , but the same reading that night . Shiver me timbers , but that was spooky no good would come of it . A fifth day we traveled leagues again , but still we came back to where we started . He paused took a long swig , wiped his lips with his long black sleeve , continued , " Me first mate came up , ' Captain , we be in a pickle . We are headed nowhere fast as the landlubber say . " " Nowhere fast ? " Arrg , I be stupider than a landlubber meself , we had been going around in a circle each of the five last days , so had come back to the same place each day . That be because we had been were we wanted to be . I walked to toward the bow of me ship , the Roaming Mermaid . Me men saw the glint in me eye and moved out of me way . At the bow where the figurehead be I leaned over the rail of the ship . I kept me eye on the currents to see which way they flowed . Water sprayed me , but I didn 't care . I got a good dose of the scent of the sea , it did an old sea dog good to smell that salt water . Aye , it took me a while - water dripped from me hair - but I found what I wanted . One current sailed to the right than to the left , than back to where it started . I commanded me wheelman to follow it . I knew he be confused , but as he learned back when he was a deck hand , he did as me orders said to . The passage of the me ship blew even more water in me face . It be cold and bracing too . I smelled wet wool and knew me collar be wet through and though , but I watched the current . It ran in circles and so did we . Faster and faster that current took us in that circle . When I saw brown water I shouted a command to the watch to reverse the sails . Me men jumped to it . I have a good crew , they know their business and like adventure as much as me , but they also know that if they don 't act fast when I say to , they will be lashed with cat - o - nine and made to haul that barrel on dry land . Once the ship slowed I yelled out to lay anchor . At once I heard the chain slip down and the anchor smack into the water . Some of the new men grumbled , but the old ones knew me . Me ship jerked a wee bit more - it be a good , solid ship too - before the anchors caught , and behold an island . The lookout cried , " Land ho ! " a wee bit late . We had come to our destination and as a good captain , " he eyed the gold shirted captain , " I led the shore party . We had a fine adventure on that island of Nowhere , but I see that I have drunken all me grog . I will gThe end The condensed beam of light shot out . It took only an instant for it to cut through a two foot wide log . The scent of burnt wood tickled Cal Jones nose . Burnt dirt also , for the laser cut into the soil under the wood . That 's why he always aimed it downward . As the six inch long piece dropped , the ex - solider shook his head . He still didn 't like to to use such a beautiful weapon to cut logs . If he didn 't though he wouldn 't have anything to warm his farm house , or cook his food with when winter started . Fall , what passed for fall on this planets , chilled the air . The wind picked up for a moment and blew dust , pollen and ashe into the air . He spat , followed by a sneeze . It also blew it into his mouth and nose . He never did like the flavor of ashe - it reminded him of all the times he breathed it in , thereore tasted it , during the war . Cal sighed , it would be better to use it against some of the dangerous large man - killer animals that roamed this forest . They roamed further deeper though and he didn 't really want to use it on them , if the need arose he would . The pile of lasered logs grew . His house had solar panels , but the sun didn 't shine for long in the winter months . If there was an emergency he could use his bicycle generator , even though that supplied only enough power for certain appliances : such as his radio and his TV , when he was in the mood for movies that is . He liked pretty much any type of movie except for war movies . After five years of fighting a real one Cal didn 't feel ready to watch a make believe war . War movies reminded him too much of what he had done during the real war , and the friends he had lost . Cal 's nightmares were strong enough now , he didn 't need anymore reminders . He bent down to adjust the laser , moving its tripod , so it could cut another six inch slice off the log . This is a beautiful weapon . Neither extreme heat , nor extreme cold interferes with its operation . It easy to aim , the parts are easily replaced when they do wear out . It and his boots were the only things Cal brought home from that Godforsaken war . When memories of his release from the military surfaced again , he still felt surprise that the people who signed him out let him keep the rifle and the boots . If I went crazy I could do a lot of harm with that rifle . The military didn 't need as many though . My buddies decided to keep something and I ended up agreeing . Evidently those that processed us agreed . After I signed the release papers they turned their backs , literally , as I walked out of the processing center carrying both the laser and my boots in a sack that didn 't hide their shape . At least the money the government gave me was enough to buy two acres and a small house out here in the middle of nowhere . The house is well built , with good installation , and all the appliances are well made . I bought these acres way out here , because I didn 't want to be around people . I knew I needed to be alone to heal and at the same time I didn 't want to be bothered by people . I felt like the hard work needed to farm in this half jungle was what the doctor ordered . He sat down on the log feeling tired . Maybe he should move to town . Teddy and John are coping in the city . They say it 's hard , but they both found the love of a good woman , which they say helps . A scream interrupted his thoughts . A loud growl followed a second scream . The screams came from a human throat and the growl didn 't . He stopped to listen , all of his senses on alert . He heard another scream , this one was joined by softer ones . Oh oh , children , which probably means a family ; one who came here to enjoy nature . It sounds like they are being attacked by a Gorillain - and they travel in packs . Without further thought , he unhooked his laser from the tripod and took off . From his battle experience he knew how far away the screams came from and what direction . As he ran through the tall grass he didn 't feel the knee high , whip like red seed stalks as he crashed through them . Before he knew his senses slid into war mood . His speed increased , the sides blew by in a blur . He caught a whiff of a dead animal , he normally won 't have notice . On the way he glanced at the power setting . A curse slipped out . He already knew the power level , but out of habit he double checked it . He should have recharged it instead of waiting until after he finished with the logs . On the run , he used his thumb to change the weapon 's setting to just below medium . That would make it harder to kill any of the beasts , but it wouldn 't be good if the charge ran out before he chased them away . He hoped he didn 't have to kill them , but bile came up when he thought of the children in the animals ' claws . At least he didn 't have to worry about where he set his foot . His boots had survied the last two years of the war and three years of living here . It wouldn 't matter if he stepped on a hard twig , a snake or a sting beetle . It took him only seconds to enter the trees , even though he slowed a little he still ran almost full out , weaving in and out of the trees . The low branches he avoided for even the very thin ones felt as strong as battle steal when he ran into them . Which explained why he used the laser to cut the wood from these trees . They burned for a long time , but took for ever to saw through . Seconds later he smelled the musk of the Grollians , very strong which meant they were upset . When he neared the clearing from where the screams and growls come from , he heard soft thuds , followed by growls of pain and anger . It sounded like the humans were trying to drive away the beasts by throwing rocks at them . Not a good idea , as they were about to learn , but at the same time there wasn 't much else they could do . He hurried through the last of the trees , instinctively moving with the wind blowing his way instead of toward the beasts . Without thinking he moved silently as he learned to do during the war . Cal came upon the scene from one side . The Gorilians stood still on one side of the clearing , which gave him a sense of relief . No one had been killed yet . A glance on the other side made bile raise in his mouth . Five people stood there : a woman and man with three children of various ages . The two oldest were boys and the youngest looked like a five year old girl . Even from there Cal could see tears as they ran down her cheeks and hear her sobs . All three children stood behind the couple . Both adults were holding thick sticks , ready to swat the first beast to come near them . Both wore terrified expressions on their faces . From the way they glanced at each other they more then likely knew their best efforts probably wouldn 't slow down the animals . At the same time they looked determined to do something to protect their children . He thought he could smell their fear ; it reminded him of the war . That stink always melded with his thoughts of the battles he had been in . A breeze blew by him and carried their and the humans 's scent . He studied the animals for a moment . He knew them by sight and study , but it still amazed him that they looked so much like a cross between an earth gorilla and an earth bear . These like most of their kind , even the females , were seven feet tall . From his position he could make out females in this bunch . The females were not as board as the males , and Cal could easily make out where their six mummery glands would appear , as they filled with milk right after they gave birth . Their presence made this a family group . He wondered why they were attacking the humans . They usually left humans alone , preferring larger prey . Maybe they couldn 't find their usually prey and thought the family would make a communal meal . Or maybe the family had come upon them and started screaming and throwing rocks . Whatever the reason , their standoff was about to end . One male started moving toward the humans . Without having to think about it , Cal raise his rifle to a firing position and pressed the trigger . A red beam shot out hitting the moving gorillian in the claw it was reaching toward the adults . The beam could have been invisible , but the heads of military development thought it was better if soldiers could see the beam . That would help them not run into it on the battle field . They might have been right , he grudgingly admitted , for he had seen soldiers blunder into the laser beams , as bright as they were . If they couldn 't see the beams there would have been more accidents of that type . The beast kept moving for two seconds , as the beam burnt into its hand . It finally stopped and looked down at the claw , before letting out a howl of pain and rage . It pulled back the claw , but Cal managed to keep the laser on the hand with practiced ease . It finally burned all the way through the claw , as the beast screamed its fury . It turned from the family , glanced around , as it looked for the source of its pain . Cal switched targets , firing at another one , hitting it in the chest . It humphed in surprise before it screamed in pain with a deep throated growl , as the needle of light started to burn into its chest . The gorillian moved out of the beam , before it could burn all the way through its chest . Cal thought it might have cut halfway through the torso , but it looked like it missed everything fatal . A glance to his right told him that the first male he hit was headed his way . Moving with haste he backed into the trees . Without stopping he ran as quietly as possible against the wind . He came out of the trees closer to the band . This time he fired from the hip , another maneuver he had plenty of practice with . He hit another big male , keeping the beam on the creature long enough for it to burn all the way through its torso . It 's yell lasted a long time and when it tried to move it fell . The wound didn 't kill it immediately , but Cal thought it would eventually . He moved again when the one he had just shot started to move hisShaking his head , he thought , I didn 't like doing that , I was hoping to kill it fast . A shadow interrupted his thought . He pivoted out of the way of a claw swiping at him , then dropped to the ground to avoid the other claw . Rolling out of the way he thought that 's it for the lower setting . If my shots are fast and precise I should be able to score death shots before the power is used up . Using his thumb he moved the setting to the second from the top . He rose up on one knee , raising the rifle up to an aiming position and fired , all in one movement . He hit one in its back . The beam cut in quickly , but the beast arched its back . The beam slide sideways burning a line across the back , but not staying in one place long enough to burn completely through . Keeping the beam on it Cal managed to finally hit its heart , destroying it in less then a second . Beetles scattered from where it dropped and a large carrion eater crowed its thanks to Cal . Tasting sweat on his lips Cal turned to the one whose eye he had burnt out , it still rested on its knees , in an all too human position . He came up behind it . When it started to turned toward him , he fired one quick shot at the base of its head . He smelled something new and realized that it wasn 't just humans that sometimes emptied their bowels when they died . His stumach felt like it wanted to empty his last meal , as he turned ; that felt too much like an execution . He watched two during the war and someone told him that the other side had killed one of his friends that way . In this case it was putting an animal out of its misery , but he still didn 't feel right . As the gorillian fell , Cal ran to another position and fired at another one . Before the beam could kill that one , he leaned backwards as a claw came out of nowhere again . This time his rifle went flying across the clearing . He observed a hole in that claw , and knew this one was the first gorillian he had shot . Somehow he missed it 's smell when it snuck up on him . His hands stinging Cal dropped to the ground to avoid another swing meant to take his head off . He was surprised , but glad when the soft dirt under the trees , hard dirt can be just like rock . With a soft grunt he rolled to his back , fear grew while at the same time he would not let the thing win . He postioned a knife he had managed to pull on the way down . It was what used to be called a Bowie knife ; long , thick and very sharp . He cursed himself for leaving his hand weapon back at the house . It may not be a military grade weapon , but it could still kill this Gorillian before it got him . A bullet in the chest , neck and head would do the job . But he didn 't have it on him . The knife could do the job , if he was quick enough . He knew where the vital spots for a gorillian were . He picked up the habit of learning a potential enemy 's weaknesses during the war . It would be a fight with a real possibility he would end up dead . Or wounded bad enough to make him an easy target for one of the other members of the band . He couldn 't let the thing just kill him , or the family however . Before he could move though something flew across his vision . He thought it hit the gorillian in the head . A second later another fist sized rock hit the beast . It ignored this rock , as it had ignored the first one . It also ignored the next three which hit it almost almost the same instant . Cal took a second to glance at the direction the rocks came from . He saw that the two older kids throwing the rocks . The father picked up a rock three times the size of the pervious ones and threw it as hard as he could . It hit the beast in the face , as it reared over Cal . Blood dripped from a gash left behind by the rock as it dropped almost hitting Cal . Roaring the beast turned toward the family . Cal readied the knife as another rock flew across the clearing . Slightly smaller then the one that left the gash it hit the beast as it roared again . By luck , or by planning , Cal didn 't know , but it landed in the gorillian 's mouth , sticking in the orifice . The beast let out a muffled roar , and shook its head , trying to dislodge the hard thing in its mouth . While it was occupied with the rock . Cal rolled out of its way , and on his hands and knees scuttled to where the laser lay . He could hear the other gorillians moving , so he raised up to a crouch , running the rest of the way in that position . He scooped up the rifle on the run , turning to face the animals , as he kept stepping backwards . He again fired from the hip , scoring a hit on the gorillian , as it headed for the family . It screamed and pivoting before the beam could burn in far enough to kill it . The beam scored along the beast 's side as it turned . Once it faced Cal , the beam started to burn into its stomach . He raised the beam burning a line upwards until he found its heart . Even before it started to fall , Cal aimed his weapon at another male heading his way . He kept the beam on its chest for the few seconds it took the beam to reach its heart . As it fell the rest of the band decided that they had enough damage . They ran off , using their hands , much like earthly gorillas , to increase their speed . Cal knew that one of them would die before too many days had passed . He better get home to radio a warning to anyone else that might come across that band in the next few days . He stood there a moment tasting blood from where he had bit his lip , but otherwise he seemed to be in one piece . Before he could move the family came over to thank him . They introduced themselves , and with tears in her eyes the mother hugged him . He smelled her sweat over a weakening preforma - deodarant . The father shook his hand expressing his thanks . The oldest boy shook his hand also , while the two youngest hugged his legs . Cal squatted down to let the two smaller children hug him , both stunk of dirt and he felt loose soil fall on his clothes , but he didn 't care . He thanked them for throwing the rocks and distracting the gorillian , while he was on the ground . They both shyly nodded a you 're welcome . Mr . Andrews asked him if he was ok . " I 'm in one piece . Thanks for asking , I didn 't take any serious injuries . Thix action wasn 't any rougher then anything I experienced during the war . " The father nodded , for he had heard stories about how bad some of the fighting had been during the war . They talked some more , as they walked to the family 's vehicle . With one last thank you , the family piled into it and drove off . As he watched them drive off , Cal smiled glad he was able to save them . He didn 't want to think about them , especially the little girl , being torn apart and eaten . It hit him that the only reason he had been able to save the family , and that little girl was his training and more importantly his war experiences . On the way back to his house , he realized how much he missed seeing children play . Once home , he sent out a general call to warn his neighbors about the wounded Gorillain . Then his stomach growled . He thought a shot of whisky would be good , but decided he didn 't need it after all . A quick meal of warmed up noddles and beef , though would be good . The next few days he thoughts of playing children stayed on his mind . In a sudden realization , it hit him , he hadn 't been having very many nightmares since the rescue . He sat and thought about his experiences the pass few days . He used what he learned during the war to save the family . All that junk he had gone through had ended up for a good purpose . As he considered that , he remembered John and Teddy 's statements . The love of a good woman helped them to heal . Maybe it was time to move back to civilization . Not all at once though . He could sell this farm , he always was getting offers , and get a place in the town three hours from here . Only two to three thousand people lived there , a large portion of which were veterans like him . And just as importantly the population included single females . He would miss this place . He liked working the land . . . maybe he would buy a farm next to the town . He would have to think about it , but by the way he felt he knew his mind was made up already . The End The cloud vanished , thin curving eyebrows with just the right type and color of mascara now showed . Hints of purple glitter dusted them . The Fairy Godmother said , " Good , Now hop up here , as my Grandmother says your carriage awaits . Yes , carriage this Prince is old fashion but he 's still cool . " The girl did , looked at the driver , by the look on her face she wanted to not think of what he really was . She winkled her nose probably because the horse still smelled of what it had been . The Fairy Godmother thought her Grandmother hadn 't told her about that , it had to be their imagination . She said , " Stop playing with your top . He 's old fashion in that way too . I made sure you show just enough skin for him . BTW - the sushi , which I know is to die for , may distract you but remember why you are there and . Watch . The . Time . " Fairy Godmother thought , she will make it even if she feels like this is way too hard , then the young woman with wings and wand vanished in a poof of purple . The horse started on its way . The end He sat down jumped up with pain burning his butt . Grabbed the oversized Martian beetle with device made of red sand , gingerly sat down again . Susan wanted a ring , her enlarging belly showed why . Brad looked at her belly said , " Maybe " . She put his hand on it " you 're it " . " Maybe I be " . He swings his sword , slices and stabs it . Tentacles fly , one of its eyes is no more . Dancing he cuts . Cave is clear for him and his Love . Blue of Home The view - screen showed a microscopic blue - Ben stared . The right blue , produced by life . The trip out had taken too long . He 'd seen red suns , green nebulae , black holes - - from a distance . None looked this perfect , a blue made from air and water . Ben smiled , the blue of home grew . The small refrigerator exploded . The collage students dived behind the couch . Metal fragments thudded into the couch , walls , ceiling . Globs of half melted ice cream , Chinese takeout , cold pizza pelted them . A cloud of Freon drifted their way , two sneezed . Once it was over the looked around excited to have survived the unexpected adventure - but now the cleanup . Home * Joe sez : * This blog originally appeared in 2010 . It 's extremely prescient about the future of ebooks , but that isn 't the reason I 'm reposting it . I Love Being Behind … In indie publishing , what I hear over and over from indie writers everywhere is that they are behind . Always behind . A simple reason f . . . Well , it finally happened . Or rather , I made it happen . A new blog by yours truly has come into existence . All the posts from this blog have been moved the . . . My writing name is L . E . Doggett . I am a writer who lives with my wife of 31 years and 20 year old autistic daughter . We live in the Central San Joaquin Valley of California , where its HOT during the summer , not so bad during the winter , except for the FOG . We attend a nice conservative , hopeful church and both work . I am a blue collar worker , with a collage education . I have written stories since I was a wee lad , but only seriously for the last four years . I have sold one story which was published in the Star Trek anthology Strange New Worlds 10 . |
Just a reminder that if you have Sprint as your cell phone carrier , you most likely have free roaming charges . I have been billed for roaming charges over and over and have to call Sprint to have them removed . They advise me to put my phone on the Sprint only roaming option , but I remind them that I live in a rural area and many times we go into roam and that is a perk in our plan and I will NOT put my phone in Sprint only . . . * sigh * . . . So , check your Sprint bill and call and get the credit you deserve and was promised on your plan . Have you tried using Facebook ? I have found it to be a perfect place to gather with old friends and meet many new ones . Facebook offers a way to connect and find friends from the past that have also signed up there . There are many games to play , where I have met so many nice people and have become facebook friends with them as well . Do yourself a favor and take some time to sign up . It 's easy and it 's free . You will find joy in connecting with high school friends , college friends , friends that you have worked with in the past and past and present coworkers . A few months ago , she complained about her back hurting . . . then with a hug , she received a couple of broken ribs . From there , the pain overtook her and she found out there was a mass when she was xrayed for her ribs . Nancy sold on eBay and was known as PrimsandFancy . I haven 't blogged for awhile and am checking my links to the right today and found hers there . I don 't have the heart to remove it . It was the link to her eBay store . About a year ago when the economy starting going downhill , she started closing some of her retail space and asked if I would like to help her sell some of her items . She would ship number 7 boxes filled to the top with her made in China wholesale items . She was a PowerSeller on eBay and strove for perfection everyday , every moment . She emailed me at least 5 times per day , giving me information on my listings , advice , and informing me of our competition and what was selling . She knew the business inside out . . . A month before she passed , her emails diminished to one every three days or so . She told me she loved me in every single one of them , something she had never done in all the years of our friendship . The pain was so intense , that she could not sit at the computer for any length of time . She gathered some items together and sent me one last box . The hardest thing after she passed was looking at the items that were next to me on the floor , waiting to be listed . I eventually gathered up the strength deep within me to pick her things up and place them in the family room , with unsold items that she refused to " give away " , and had been listed since the beginning of time it seemed . . . Now , I am boxing up the items and dropping them off at the local Goodwill shop . Some things I am throwing into the trash next to me , as I sort through each prim and decide if it is worthy of keeping . . . deciding if Nancy 's items would be someone else 's treasures . I am unlisting many items on eBay and will be relisting my quilt items again soon . The items that are not handmade by me , are most likely Nancy 's goods . RPosted by As most of you know , I have been selling on eBay for approximately 5 years . They have recently changed many things , including how little store exposure we receive . I spent much of the day unlisting items and reducing many that I feel are worthy of listing . I will be making more handmade items when the girls start school and listing pumpkins before that time . . . If you are looking for Americana signs or other decor , primitive items , fabric strips , eBay templates , dolls , handmade bowl fillers , Christmas decor , please stop in my store and purchase while it is available . The wholesale items and signs listed that are not handmade by me will not be relisted . Once the merchandise is gone , that will be it . Thank you so much for checking out my eBay store and I hope to hear from you there : ) Can you believe school will be starting soon ? This summer has certainly gone by quickly for us . The leaves , walnuts and hickory nuts are starting to fall . I have to be extra careful now mowing under the walnut trees . The walnuts to NOT feel good when they land on your head . . . We got our school supplies shopping done and it was fairly painless . We hope to get one more camping trip in before winter and then we will winterize the camper and get ready for the snow to fall : ) Before you even realize what is happening , your abuser is manipulating you , controlling you and breaking down your self esteem . Your abuser could be your husband , wife , grandparent , guardian , boyfriend , girlfriend , older sibling . . . anyone in your life that is hurting you could possibly be an abuser . Charlie had many issues from childhood that were unresolved and still are unresolved . He was abused and I truly believe that if you are with someone that has been deeply hurt and or abused , they have the potential to abuse you , especially if you are a submissive or passive person . Your kindness is seen as a weakness and they will be able to zero in on what makes you tick and what they can do to break you down , continuously and gradually , without you even knowing that it is happening . Some , as Charlie did , begin to try to remove you from what you are familiar with and from the people that love you and have been in your life for you . They want you out of your safety zone and into their own web where they can shut you off from people that may try to influence you and be there for you to possibly get you out of your relationship with them . Charlie had the ability to make me feel on top of the world one moment and the next so low that I would cry in silence . No matter what you do , you cannot please them . You can have an immaculate home , most professional looking landscape , dinner on the table , looking like you just stepped off a magazine cover , and they will find something to pick about or dig at you for not doing right or for not doing at all . An abuser is never happy . They are never happy or appreciative of you or what you do . They only want to control you and hurt you because when they succeed in doing so , they somehow feel that they are overcoming their own pain and hurt . To see you hurt , makes them feel better and even successful within themselves . Why do you continue to stay in your situation ? Are you financially stuck because you have been a stay at home mom for your children and you have no job , no sitter , no one therPosted by Charlie found a place to live , but asked if he could keep his things in the garage . I didn 't see any harm in that , not realizing at the time that he simply wanted to keep one foot in the door , as he continued to find excuses to come over because he needed something out of the garage . A mutual friend of his and mine , who Charlie grew up with , had just gone through a divorce himself and was trying to " help " me understand that I could not wash Charlie 's clothes for him and do little things for him because he was mistaking my kindness as a weakness to continue to be in my life . I was torn about this , but later realized that this was very true . Charlie was very cooperative . He was paying the bills and coming over to get the girls to spend time with them and seemed as though he was truly making an effort to change . He was still going to therapy and was keeping me up to date on his progress , all the while still pleading with me to give him one more chance . Seventeen years of marriage . . . one more chance . . . Would I ever regret not giving him ONE MORE CHANCE ? The paperwork came for the hearing date for the divorce . I caved . I drove to the courthouse and let them know that I would not be continuing the divorce proceeding . I allowed him to move back in and within one week , he was back to his old self again . I could not believe it . I received a call from one of my job applications , and after a very positive interview , started a new job and in the same breath , told Charlie to get back out of the house . I filed for divorce again , kicking myself for not keeping a copy of the first packet that I filled out only a few months prior . Why was Charlie so willing to leave ? Many people were told by him and think that it was out of the " goodness of his heart " that he " gave " the house to me . In reality , he received over $ 40 , 000 . 00 cash and his untouched retirement benefits , which I was entitled to share , all of his almost 900 hours of PTO time , half the amount of alimony that the court ordered him to pay and all of his guns , which value at wPosted by Funny how people say they will change and can change when reality smacks them in the face . I personally do not believe people can change . My life experience and the lives of my very dear friends have shown me that people simply do not change . This is my personal view and if you disagree , that 's okay with me . I mustered up the strength to go down to the courthouse and get a divorce packet . The divorce packet was almost a 1 / 2 " thick and very intimidating . I filled out the divorce packet and asked Charlie to please leave . I had been sleeping in the basement for awhile and I had no desire to allow him to touch me ever again . He cried , pleaded , begged , got on his hands and knees and told me he was sorry and he would change . He told me that he knew that he had hurt me and that he was sorry , over and over and over again . . . I felt nothing . I had nothing left to give . I had nothing left in my heart . I had to fill out the packet if not for myself , but for my girls . We had the paperwork notorized and Charlie went to therapy for two or three months . He was determined to show me that he would change . I had filed for divorce and there was not a day in my life at that time , that I did not take the girls to the bus stop and come home and lie in my bed and cry for hours at a time . I had no job . I had no idea what I was going to do financially . . . I was so confused and lost . . . . felt so alone and so ashamed of my life and what I had accepted as treatment from a man that didn 't deserve the time of day from me , much less two wonderful children . I had to be strong , if not for myself , for my girls . Every day , I would get into the shower and I would cry and pray . The tears of hurt and sorrow washed down the drain and my strength was renewed enough to get me through the day . God 's voice , every single day was telling me , " . . . this too shall pass . . . " . That was my ritual . . . every day for weeks . . . As I watched my first daughter grow into such a beautiful , sweet child , it weighed heavy on my mind to decide whether or not to have another child for her to share her life with . She was extremely close to me , but as she grew older , she showed a little more interest in her father , who was happier to spend time with her when she was out of diapers and potty trained . He never changed her diapers , so rarely would take her places or do things with her unless I was nearby . Her father loved archery and for Christmas one year , I purchased her a little red bow out of the Sears catalog . With the purchase of her bow , a bond began between her and her father and she loved more than anything to see him smile at her hitting the target . We had started going to 3D shoots and enjoyed the time we shared , walking through the woods and watching everyone in awe of a little girl with a pony tail letting go of a tiny arrow and smacking a target dead on from a few feet away . She was the youngest to ever compete in the IBO World Championship held in Flatwoods , WV approximately 13 years ago . Archery didn 't last long when Charlie started to try to change her and the simple things that she was used to . He began to turn something fun into something he wanted for her and of course , for himself , which was more competition . The fun was replaced with a release and expensive bow that she had no interest in picking up . All she wanted to do was shoot her little red bow without conditions and new equipment . That was the beginning and end of archery for her . . . My second daughter was born when my first child was 4 . She was a quiet baby and slept all of the time . I remember asking the doctor what was wrong with her . I would find her in various places through the house sleeping . . . on the floor , at the bar , under her bed . . . He told me to feel fortunate that she slept , as many babies did not . My second daughter was extremely close to me and seemed to cling to me constantly . She was always a very sensitive little child . I had become as much of a buffer as I Posted by The log house had served its purpose , but the cold winters and maintenance on the logs were a bit more than I cared to continue to deal with , as did Charlie . The winters were so cold and the dusty gravel road that we lived on left a film on everything constantly . Our well had gone dry and we paid to have another drilled that only produced 4 gpm . I wanted to get rid of the house before the second well went dry and I was simply tired of the woodpeckers , bore bees , and money spent on sealant for the exterior . . . The property went up for sale and $ 40 , 000 . 00 was profited and put into our new home . I had no regrets and was happy to get rid of the house . It seemed to have drained me emotionally , financially and physically . I had used a hand saw to cut trim for the doors and mopped plywood floors until we were able to afford the walnut flooring that we wanted . The two woodstoves to keep going was overwhelming by myself , especially when Charlie was gone to hunt the huge black bear he never got , or that record breaking white tail deer , and wood had not been carried from down over the hill closer to the house . We had electric baseboard heat , but if you have ever had it , you know that it will eat up electricity and leave you with extremely high electric bills . I live in the house that we built after we sold the log house . My daughter and I LOVED being in the yard every spring , summer and fall , planting bushes , trees , perennials and annuals . Everything was planted for a reason and in a specific place . I edged every tree and garden and mulched every inch that was bare . Spring was my favorite time of year , as God rewarded me with the most beautiful blossoms on everything I planted . Every spring was a new beginning for my garden , a new year for me and a step further away from the past . . . As tormented as I was about my life and what to do next , my " biological clock " was ticking away , so I was told by all of the friends around us that already had children . My logic , as much as it could be called logic , was telling me that things were pretty much as good as they were going to get and the outbursts that were bestowed upon me no longer effected me emotionally , as I had learned to let them bounce off of my heart and memory . . . In April , my first baby girl was born . From that moment on , my priorities and my life changed once again . I protected her with all that I had and immediately began preparing her to become and independent little being . Still tucked down inside my heart and the back of my mind , I could not completely diminish the thought that someday Charlie would harm me again . I wanted my child to be ready if anything was to ever happen to me and be able to do things by herself . At the age of two , she was able to sing her ABCs and speak in complete sentences . She was with me everywhere I went . . . in the yard , in the house , my constant shadow . She absorbed everything that I had to offer her and then some . She could dress herself and brush her teeth with ease . Sometimes her tiny clothes were on backwards and didn 't match that well , but she could get dressed . She learned to brush her long beautiful hair and could pull a chair to the cabinets and counters , under my watchful eyes , to get herself a snack . By the time she went to kindergarten , she was well advanced and very bored in school . She enjoyed helping her peers reach and attain the goals she had met long ago . As she grew older , she continued her successes and habits that she learned at a very young age . . . Working full time and coming home to yard work and maintaining the house , dirt track races on the weekend and much time spent on the river banks made things tolerable for me . I had become accustomed to insults , critism and constant belittling and passed my time working in the yard and playing with our beagle . Many times I had thought about leaving , but where was I going ? I settled for what I had . I held onto every positive , happy moment in my life and accepted it . In my mind , he had made a vast improvement over the previous years and I loved living in the log house on the mountain ~ my serenity as much as it could be . . . The log house was gorgeous and comforting , although the winters were cold and harsh , as it seemed every crack within the log walls allowed the cold air to chill our home . The logs were D shaped and had insulation strips between them . The woodstoves we had simply could not heat the entire home . The addition had a cathedral ceiling with tongue and groove and exposed beams and the heat loved to linger there . Seemed as though things were falling into place , as much as they could with someone who was always in pain and constantly taking it out on me . . . but I was strong and endured . . . and appreciated what God had blessed me with . . . The wedding was small and performed in a church that did not allow music . Guests consisted of friends of Charlie 's and the neighbors . One of Charlie 's best friends gave me away , the bride 's maid was a friend that he grew up with and another lit the candles before the wedding started . Aside from Charlie hesitating and asking the preacher to repeat what he was supposed to say , it went fairly smoothly . It was surreal . I had no one there for me and it was my own fault . After the wedding and a couple of days visiting his friends and ridge running , we came back home to VA . Things had settled down to some degree . . . the assaults went from him hitting me to him throwing objects at me and using his words to cut through me . I thought this was a GREAT improvement over what I had been experiencing and saw it as him attempting to change . We both had full time jobs and were able to save $ 10 , 000 . 00 by saving every penny . We had found a fishing shack in WV that we saw great potential in and that was to be our dream home . The owner allowed us to spend the night in it and although it was tiny and needed much TLC , we were extremely excited about purchasing our first home . After our move to WV , we focused on remodeling and adding onto the small once empty cabin . We fixed it up enough to get a loan against it and were able to build a huge log addition onto it . Every paycheck that I earned was used to purchase hardwood flooring , bathroom furnishings , ceiling fans , carpet , insulation and everything else required to finish our addition to get out from under the high interest construction loan we were paying on . It certainly paid off , as the bank appraised it much higher than we both anticipated and we were able to get a great interest rate on our mortgage loan . He continued to come around me . He lived to find me , beg with me , plead with me , stalk me . Where were my parents ? My parents did not like the fact that I moved out at 18 . I was so done with them and would have moved out sooner if I could have . I did call them after the kitten episode and my mother told me to follow my heart . As I sat in the living room , on my knees crying , that was the best she could do . . . My girls know to this day , if ANY guy EVER laid a hand on them , they would be gone so fast and I would be certain they never came around them again . . . no matter what . . . My friends who I always disappointed because I let him back into my life , were there , just not in the capacity of discussing my relationship with Charlie . . . Charlie and I took a drive out to the park , walked hand in hand on an old boarded trail and he asked me to marry him . I was 19 . I was so tired of fighting to be away from him . I was so worn down . Besides , what is the worst thing that could happen ? Didn 't it already happen ? Maybe if he was married to me , I could sleep at night , knowing that he was next to me and not lurking outside my window or waiting near my car the next morning . Wouldn 't it be easier just to cave in and stop trying to get him away from me ? Wouldn 't the devil in my life be easier to deal with in front of me always ? Our dates were fun . . . with Charlie , I had the highest highs and the lowest lows . He could put me down in an instant and make me feel like a million dollars the next . He bought food for our kitchen cabinets that were empty in the townhouse and filled my gas tank , which I had mastered driving on the last fumes . . . He was winning my heart and if not my heart , he was controlling my life , my movements , my thoughts , my feelings . . . One night after work at the Hecht Co . , I decided to buy him some new jeans and shirts . When I arrived home and turned on my light to my bedroom , he was in my bed . He raised up and started screaming at me . He was a welder and had flash burn ( so he claimed ) and the light bothered him . He came towards me and shoved me , yelling at me because I was late coming home . He grabbed the bag of clothes that I had purchased for him and threw them across the room . He knocked over a plant , spilling dirt everywhere and pounded his fist on my bird cage and busted it . His eyes turned hard and cold and he bent down and swooped up my new kitten and threw it across the room . My kitten hit the door frame , where my walk in closet door was open , and fell onto the carpet . As I rushed to pick it up , blood was coming out of his tiny mouth and out of his bottom . He was limp , like a wet wash cloth in my hand . My heart fell and raced at the same time . Another nightmare within seconds was unfolding in front of me . . . I screamed for my roommates and Mitch threw him out of the townhouse . Mitch 's girlfriend at the time , worked for a vet and I drove the dying kitten there . I stayed up through the night and when the vet 's office opened , I went in to see my kitten . It was walking around its tiny cage , banging its head against the cold metal . Its eyes were crossed and I asked for it to be put to sleep . I told Charlie , no more . . . never ever again under any circumstance did I want him to come near me . He continued to show up . He continued to call me . He continued to lurk across the parking lot where I worked . Restraining order ? PLEASE . Posted by I did not ever want to see Charlie again , but he continued to show up . He showed up at my home , he showed up at my job and he pleaded with me to go out with him again . . . to give him another chance . He told me he was so sorry and cried and started opening up to me about all that he had experienced growing up as a child . When Charlie was two , his mother left him and his 3 siblings . His older brother has filled in the blanks recently to my daughter and I on exactly what happened when they were all very young . Their mother was abused by their father and that is why she left . The children were placed into different homes and Charlie was raised by a very poor lady that had several older children and was an alcoholic . She found company with a man half her age that lived with her until she passed a few years ago . He basically grew up doing what he wanted to do , when he wanted to do it , but always carried with him hatred for his mother , as he felt she abandoned him . Unless you knew someone or was related to someone that already had a job in one of their few plants there , you did not have work . Many people were in the union and waited on long lists for their turn to work , and the money they made had to be used to live off of the rest of the year while they were waited to be called upon again . Charlie packed up his bag and left there and went to VA looking for work . He had moved in across the street from where I lived and that is how and where we met . . . Being the naive , trusting 19 year old that I was , and growing up in a home that I witnessed my father consistenly hit my mother , I was reluctant but accepted Charlie 's apology at giving him another chance . My roommates and close friends were not thrilled with the idea , nor were my coworkers who saw right through the bruises and the stories I told them about how I received them . I was too embarrassed to tell many how the bruises landed on me . I felt as though I somehow maybe deserved them , especially since that is what I was constantly told . Self esteem ? I had none . . . I was hiPosted by I was 18 , stepping out of my 1980 something Mustang , when a guy walked up to me with a dark tan , black hair and the prettiest hazel eyes you would ever want to look into . That was the first day of the rest of my 18 years with him . He had a huge smile and could charm anyone within 3 feet of him . He asked me if I knew how to hook up cable tv . I had just stopped dating a guy from Iowa , no less , that was a wrestler in the marine corps and stationed in Quantico . " Steve " had informed me that he had a girlfriend back in Iowa and I really wanted no part of falling for someone that 's heart already belonged to someone else . . . The last thing I wanted at the time was another relationship . . . and here was " Charlie " . Being the " quick thinker " I was as much as you can be at 18 , I informed this gorgeous guy from nowhere that one of my roommates may know how to hook up the cable line . My roommates were guys , two of them in fact . One worked at Taco Hell with me and the other was a bouncer at our local bar called KCs in Manassas . We all three worked together at the Hecht Co . " Steve " and I worked in The Sideboard Restaurant and " Mitch " was a security officer . I thought maybe having guy roommates would deter Charlie from wanting to chat with me further , but he was not bothered by it and came right into the townhouse with me to meet my roommates . Charlie was from the part of WV that many would never see . The huge mountains and small homes , all with front porches and built along creeks , pronounced " cricks " there , was an extremely rural area and definitely backwoods country . He was the high school football and basketball star and everyone in town knew him . One of my first trips back there with him consisted getting ready to go to " town " . When he proceeded to drive 80 yards and park in front of a small building that had a sign that read Library on it , I began to wonder when we were going to go to " town " . A few of his friends stopped and parked next to us , catching up on the time he had been gone and when they left I asked him when we were gPosted by On hubby 's only day off , he and I moved my computer to the living room . . . It was in the bedroom , as we have another in the office . . . My favorite room in the house is the living room and I am extremely happy to now be in this room much of my day . I took a pic to share with you , but please note that it will most likely never look like this again . By the way , are you vacuuming your tower out on the inside ? DON ' T DO IT ! The computer tech in town advised me not to do that , but to use canned air to clean out the inside and to let your computer sit for at least one hour before turning it on . I love looking out my large window next to me , but now see the tall grass that I need to go mow : ) Enjoy your day all and be blessed ! Shortly after getting the camper , I couldn 't wait to replace the border with something more primitive and country . I have this same border in my foyer , but with a burgandy check towel instead of the blue . . . It 's sunny here today and I am headed out shortly to work in the yard , but not before listing a few more of my primitive quilt items . I 'm in the process of listing primitive throws now and will eventually get to the bedding . Enjoy your day and be blessed : ) Iris , azaleas and annuals . . . this spring is going by so quickly ! I feel behind in my edging and yard work , but I guess if I refuse to work in the rain , then I have limited time doing yard work . . . I 'd much prefer to play in the rain than work in it . . . The dirt is simply too heavy and clumpy and doesn 't cooperate when too wet : ) I love my little sidekick helping me in the yard . . . She tried to move a bag of mulch for me , but found out quickly that it wasn 't possible . A special friend of mine once told me that children step on your toes when they are young and step on your heart when they get older . . . I hope my heart doesn 't get stepped on too much by them : ) So far , so good ! ! Enjoy the pictures and happy gardening ! ! xox Two thousand years ago , few trees in the Middle East were big enough to construct anything . However , one tree was valued above the others for its thick trunk and fine , strong wood . When the Romans came to rule over Jerusalem , their government used this same timber to build the crosses for executing criminals . A group of workers were assigned to gather wood for the crosses . Before long , every Roman official knew the best wood came from these gatherers of execution wood , so those workers became popular . One day , the wood gatherers received a special request . An officer of the Roman court came and said , " The King of Jews is to be put to death . Deliver an extra - large cross made from your finest wood . " So , a fresh tree was cut from the forest of the trees with thick trunks and fine , strong wood . An extra - tall ( and extra - heavy ) cross was quickly made and delivered . Three days after the death of Jesus of Nazereth , the chief wood gatherer got alarming news . " All of our finest trees are withering ! " the messenger whispered . The wood gatherer hurried to the forest and saw that it was true . Several years later , the chief wood gatherer heard that , every spring , many people visited the old forest that had once made his job so easy . Despite his advancing years , he set out to discover why . He saw the remains of forest , now like a salty bottoms , with only a few trees still standing tall , bare , lifeless and rotting . But what was this ? As he drew closer , his feeble eyes could make out the people walking among thousands of beautiful , flowering bushes . Seeing one of his own workers there , the old man said , " No one could ever make a cross out of this twisted wood . Our finest tree has gone to the dogs ! " He noticed the beautiful white flowers , each blossom looking as if it had been burned from the touch of a miniature cross . As told to Ben Baston by his grandmother , Louise Brown . There is a legend at the time of crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees . So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen asPosted by My dad cut the broken limb off and cut it up into perfect pieces to take camping with us for a campfire . You can buy bundles of wood there for 5 . 00 , but it is usually pine or poplar and burns up very quickly . The picture shows the original split in the tree that I found a few weeks ago . We have to take the rest down soon . . . Bear loves to eat bees . . . He will jump off of the ground to grab one in mid air . He caught this one on the porch today when I was outside with him taking pics . . . He curls his gums back and bites the bee continuously until he kills it . Redbuds are indigenous to our area . I stood in front of the dozer when clearing the lot if he came too close to a couple of them : ) The others I transplanted from saplings that grew underneath my mature ones . They are throughout our woods and I love them . Their leaves are shaped like hearts and they are perfect to put near your house and are very hardy . Red is one of my favorite colors and it looks so vibrant in the spring with all of the yellow flowers . I am not a fan of tulips , but the squirrels are . . . : ) I love this little spot in my back yard . . . It is full of perennials and is pretty with the split rail section behind it . I lost a dogwood tree a few years ago and would love for the stump to be cut down shorter , but buried on a honey do list somewhere . . . The hyacinths and daffodils are so pretty together . . . My friend Iva Mae gave me a piece of this gorgeous Bridal Wreath . . . I have several of these now in the back yard . This one is the largest . My friend Donna gave me the purple phlox . It has spread nicely and it is a great fill in . I enjoy sitting here and watching the girls chalk on the driveway and play basketball with their friends . . . when I 'm not participating as well : ) This is one of a few white dogwoods that I planted . It is starting to open and will have huge gorgeous blossoms in a couple of weeks or less . . . . more pretty daffodils ~ The Easter Bunny arrived ! Little info about him . . . The Easter bunny has its origin in pre - Christian fertility lore . The Hare and the Rabbit were the most fertile animals known and they served as symbols of the new life during the Spring season . The bunny as an Easter symbol seems to have its origins in Germany , where it was first mentioned in German writings in the 1500s . The first edible Easter bunnies were made in Germany during the early 1800s . And were made of pastry and sugar . The Easter bunny was introduced to American folklore by the German settlers who arrived in the Pennsylvania Dutch country during the 1700s . The arrival of the " Oschter Haws " was considered " childhood 's greatest pleasure " next to a visit from Christ - Kindel on Christmas Eve . The children believed that if they were good the " Oschter Haws " would lay a nest of colored eggs . The children would build their nest in a secluded place in the home , the barn or the garden . Boys would use their caps and girls their bonnets to make the nests . The use of elaborate Easter baskets would come later as the tradition of the Easter bunny spread through out the country . ~ * ~ Wishing you and your family a wonderful Easter ! He is risen ! This is one of my favorite trees in the yard . . . I wish I could blink and make it bigger , but it is rather slow growing and I love it anyway . . . I have to prune the bottom so I can duck my head and mow under it . I think it looks better pruned evenly . Posted by We purchased this Englander Pellet Stove from Home Depot and it is now hooked up and running . I absolutely LOVE it ! I filled the hopper with pellets yesterday around 12 : 30 and it has hardly used any pellets . I turned it off through the night and back on again this morning . Our home is very well insulated and I have had the setting on 1 , which is the lowest setting . If you have been thinking about purchasing a wood stove vs . a pellet stove , I would definitely go with the pellet stove . It is so easy to use and much cleaner than the wood stove . I am seriously thinking about putting one in the family room within the next few years to replace our woodstove . We 'll see how the wood supply holds out ; ) I still need to find a more appropriate hearth pad , but using this one for now . I would prefer a corner hearth pad and a darker color . Enjoy your day and be blessed ! We had high winds here on the mountain the other day and they split my Bradford Pear tree . . . Oddly enough , there was a large split at the bottom of the branches , however , the split was on the other branch . We cleaned up the broken branch and will have to take the rest of the tree down soon . Bradford Pear trees are known to have soft wood and break easily . The pellet stove pipe installation kit is complete . Because the vent on the back was in line with the electrical outlet , I decided to run the pipe up on the inside out then out , alleviating having to reroute the electrical wire to have the pipe outside . The pellet stove installation kit is galvanized , so I painted it flat black . The piece on the outside is galvanized and looks nicer than I thought it would . ( I 'll post a picture later of the outside piece . ) Fortunately , my dad 's roto saw did a great job . I couldn 't believe how much drywall dust landed over the entire living room , just from cutting the 7 " or so inch piece out . The second hearth pad was shipped and it was white with missing grout and a chipped stone , damaged during shipment . The company that I bought it from said to keep both and offered to send another pad out as soon as I approved the picture they emailed to me . The pad that the pellet stove is sitting on is not for a corner , but at this point , I want my money back and I will purchase one from a local woodstove dealer when they stock this fall . I prefer one that is darker and more rustic and is actually a corner pad . We still have to install the air vent to the outside . It is a small vent to assist the draft . After that , we will test it and make sure it is working properly and hopefully I 'll be able to relax and enjoy it this fall ; ) I 'll let you know how well it heats after the test run . . . xox Last summer when we went to the beach on vacation , we also visited a beach where wild horses live called Assateague Island . I took this pic from the vehicle . We didn 't get out and explore because we could drive and see them on either side of the road . . . I would have much preferred to park and walk and enjoy , but was outnumbered ; ) I found their link if you are interested in checking it out . http : / / www . assateagueisland . com / Cloudy here today and calling for rain . I managed to sell a few things on eBay , so I was happy to see that this morning . I suppose someone told my buyers that the economy is bad : ) Enjoy your day and be blessed . xox A few years ago , my friend Iva Mae 's husband came over and opened his trunk to reveal a five gallon bucket of daffodil bulbs . Iva Mae sent him over to give them to me . She loved her flowers but was not always able to work in the yard . She was not healthy and suffered with emphysema and diabetes , and died not before she told me that she loved me . Every spring I look out into my yard , back and front , and smile when the daffodils begin to bloom one by one . I will always think of her when I see them . Thank you Iva Mae : ) Make sure you cut your strips for your ragballs about 1 / 2 " and wrap like you are making a yarn ball . I handstitch the edge of the finished strip onto the ball . I brush on coffee and vanilla mix to give it that old time primitive look and spray with room spray . Blogs and Links |
Filed under : flash fiction challenge - Tags : fairies , random generator - Eva Therese @ 8 : 12 pm Flash fiction challenge as always courtesy of the great bearded sage , Chuck Wendig . I rolled the RNG and got Demons vs Fairies . I wanted to make it a kind of cold war spy games story with some banter , but it took about six seconds for it to turn sombre . Youna made her way through the park , a spring in her step and a lightness in her chest . Living in the city , with all its iron and steel meant that she was always exhausted , always hurting . Being in the park gave her a respite , softened the pain to a dull ache . Quintin was waiting for her on a bench by the pond , surrounded by hopeful ducks . He turned to look at her even though he couldn 't have heard her approach . He had one eye missing , covered by an eyepatch . Since he should have been able to heal any injury not instantly fatal , the missing eye had to be a punishment of some sort . Youna had never asked . Quintin scooted over to make room for Youna as she sat down next to him on the bench . She looked thin and pale and washed - out , having no Glamour to spare on her looks , except what was strictly needed to make her look human enough to blend in . None of the faes living in the city had that kind of power anymore , most of it was spent simply on keeping themselves upright and what little was left was needed elsewhere . The ones still in the Courts might have , but only because they never came to the real world anymore . Instead , they sent faes like Youna to fight a losing battle against demons like Quintin . In that way , he mused , they were very much like the demon princes , sitting on their thrones in Hell , making grand plans and leaving others to carry them out or to deal with the fallout when they went wrong . Her face fell . " I actually felt good going into the park . No . Not good . " She shook her head . " But not quite as bad . " In a way , he did . He was also just a grunt sent out to fight a battle on behalf of a master he had probably never even seen and certainly never met in any meaningful sense of the word . That was what had started their tentative friendship decades ago , the feeling they both had , that they were closer to the soldier standing in front of them , than to the distant generals . And in a way , he didn 't understand , couldn 't understand , because his side was winning . At least it was winning against her side . The battle against the angels was locked in something of a standstill and there might come a day when he would understand perfectly what she felt . But today was not that day . Youna sat frozen for a moment , then turned her head sharply to look at him . " No ! " she said . " No favours given or owed . No bargains . " " It 's alright . Should have thought that one through . " He looked thoughtful . " We should have been allies , you know . I don 't mean us two , but the faes and the demons . We have no real conflict of interest since we only want the souls of humans and you only want to toy with them while they are alive . And we could have used your help against the angels , instead of squandering our resources fighting you . " The tense moment past , they sat in comfortable silence . When Quintin looked at Youna again , she had closed her eyes and was soaking in the sunlight . She looked as content as he had ever seen her , as she was ever likely to look . She also looked so ill . If she felt better in the park , he didn 't want to think about how she looked in the city . He thought about it anyway . The name ' the fair folk ' seemed like a joke and a tasteless one at that . She was wasting away . She needed to go back to the undying lands or at the very least into the woodlands and even then it might be too late . But the kings and queens of the different courts would never allow her to retreat from the lost battle . Youna was dying . The thought made his chest tighten . He 'd give her a couple more years and then she 'd simply dissolve into mist and float away on the breeze . Unless she had been hunted down by some of the more zealous demons who took it upon themselves to pick off the few remaining faes . He toyed with the idea of sending one of them after her , end her suffering now , but he couldn 't be sure that the demon wouldn 't try to capture and interrogate her . No , if he wanted to give her a quick end , he would have to do it himself . He looked at her intently ; she was half - dozing relaxed and unprepared right next to him . It would be easy . If he did it fast enough and precisely enough , she wouldn 't even know what he had done " But you don 't have to make the same mistake with the angels . Don 't eradicate another race or let yourselves be eradicated . Make peace with them . " This suggestion was so outrageous that for a moment Quintin just sat there , before finally answering . " That 's … impossible . We 've been at war for thousands of years . Besides , I 'm a lowly soldier , what can I even do ? " " You have time on your side . And if someone centuries ago had told me to strive for peace , who knows where I would have ended up ? Besides , I have something for you . " " No gifts , " he whispered . " Not favours owed . " He looked into her eyes as she placed something in his palm , pleading with her to take it back . " Oh , but that 's the beauty of it . You can 't owe favours to a dead fae . " She smiled and then , as he watched , she melted away like a mirage , leaving only her clothes on the park bench next to him . For a moment he was too stunned to do anything , then he looked down . A ball of soft greenish light laid safely cupped in his hand . The last of her Glamour . There wasn 't a lot , but more than he would have guessed she had as a last reserve . Not a lot , but enough to make a difference if he spent it carefully . He knew that the sensible thing to do would be to ignore her wish and just use the Glamour to get ahead . It wasn 't like he couldn 't use the edge it would give him in the cutthroat world that was the demon hierarchy . And yet … And yet … He put the little ball of light in his pocket . He would have to decide how to use it , but he didn 't have to decide right now . Not today . " The house is haunted , " he said in a low confidential tone . He must have mistaken her silence for disbelief because he continued : " The last family who lived her , nice couple , two sweet children , they only lasted a month . And the look on their faces when they left , in the middle of the night . I 'm telling you : that house is haunted . " There were cold spots in the house . Places here and there where it suddenly felt like you had walked into a freezer . There weren 't many and they weren 't big , but they kept moving around , making it impossible to avoid them completely . Somebody pushed copies of newspaper clippings under her door , probably the neighbor . They were about the gruesome murders that happened back in 1956 when a whole family of two adults and five children had been slaughtered in their beds with an axe . The murderer had never been caught , but during the investigation , it turned out that on the ground upon which the house stood , had previously been a small grove of trees and in 1919 , a man had been hanged there . Cecil Alderson , she read , had been suspected of having murdered his brother with an axe , to avoid having to share the inheritance after their late parents and he had bribed the sheriff to acquit him , but the brother had apparently be a popular man , because soon after a mob of enraged townspeople dragged Mr . Alderson out of his house , put a noose aorund his neck and the rest , as they said , was history . Noone was ever convicted of that murder either . She could have told him , that nothing in this house could scare her . They 're just ghosts , she thought , and my heart is a graveyard full of dead . She stopped in the middled of scrubbing a plate and made a face at the emoness . When she looked out again , the neighbor had gone . The noises stopped after that . The cold spots went as well . Instead she started to feel something like hands touching her . Sometimes they just grazed her like invisible moths , but occasionally she felt them grab her , carefully , like she was made of glass . The hands seemed eager and curious . Once she felt a hand being placed upon her arm and felt the thumb caress her skin . She smelt something like clean skin and a hint of soap . Sylvia closed her eyes and for a moment she could swear that someone was sitting right next to her , could even hear the faint sound of their breath . In her mind 's eye , she could see a young woman , hardly more than a girl , with curly hair and warm brown eyes . Harrison got out of the car and approached her . She ignored him , even though she knew it was no use pretending like she hadn 't seen him . He , onthe other hand , didnøt try to call her name , knowing that she wouldn 't respond . He made a grab for her , but she shook of his hands so violently that it almost made her lose her balance for real . She gave of any pretence at dignity . " Leave me alone ! " she yelled and stalked the few feet up the the house , limping on the twisted ankle . " Or what ? You 'll call the police ? You and I both know that you 're not going … " He paused and shivered . " Jesus , this place is freezing . How can it be freezing in the middle of the summer ? Do you have damp in the walls or something ? " Harrison heard it to and she saw a look of horror slowly creep over his face . " No , " he mumbled . " Nononono . " His eyes swirlved to Sylvia . " What is this ? ! " He sounded pleading . " There are worse things than you in this house , " she said as an unseen toddler started to wail , the temperature dropped so low that they could see their owns breaths and a gust of wind ran through the whole house and made every open door slam shut and every closed door spring wide open . Including the front door . Harrison bolted out the door and ran to his car without looking back . She felt more alive today , than she had for years . She closed her eyes and it felt like someone hugged her from behind , arms wrapped around her to keep her snug and safe . The air smelled of soap . Filed under : flash fiction challenge - Tags : flash fiction challenge , postapocalypse , random generator - Eva Therese @ 11 : 19 am Another Flash Fiction Challenge from the great bearded Chuck Wendig . This time based on a randomly generated idiom - mashup . I had to click a few times , before getting " Hindsight is a shepherd 's warning " which sounds almost reasonable , if you think about it , but not too hard . She had learned to keep the girls safe , mostly , but it had been learning by trial and error . The kind of errors that had cost lives in the beginning . Water needs to be boiled , always . Some poisonous plants look an awful lot like eatable ones . We don 't have any kind of antibiotics so even relatively small wounds can get dangerously infected . The learning curve had been steep . It would have been easier if Sally had also been here , but when one of the girls had fallen into a river , Sally had jumped in to save her and they had both been swept away by the current , never to be seen again . At least not by Mary . She blinked , realized that she had been distracted and looked down at the girl in front of her , Melanie , who was twisting and turning , face sweaty , teeth clenched like she was trying to hold in the moans , that escaped her once in a while . Mary thought of the time she 'd had appendicitis . She had felt just like the girl looked . She needed to go a hospital . Might as well say she needed to go to the moon . There were no hospitals , no nothing . They listened to the radio for news , but only about once a week to save on the batteries . There was nothing but white noise and once in a while a message on automated repeat about how citizens should barricade themselves in their homes and wait for the army to arrive . But Mary and the girls had no homes but their tents and no choice but to keep moving , picking up supplies along the way . It had only been supposed to be a weekend , an extended picnic , really . A camp away from camp . Mary had never been meant to have the responsibility to keep them alive for month after month , but she had tried her best . That 's what she tried to tell herself , but when she closed her eyes at night she was haunted by the images of the dead girls ' faces . How could she protect them from something like this ? Until now they had been trying to simply survive until the world somehow returned to some semblance of normalcy . They had gone through one day after another , gathering food and firewood and scavenging a bit from abandoned cabins . The last chocolate bar had been more than two months ago and it had been divided into fourteen tiny pieces , but some of the girls still spoke of it with longing in their voices . Two of the girls let go of each other 's hand with guilty expression , while two others held on to each other , their expressions defiant . When you thought about it , it made absolute sense that of course some of the girls would come together like that . Mary felt no anger or shock at the idea . She didn 't even remember why she would once have felt like that . She was just relieved that they were in no risk for unwanted pregnancies . " It 's a punishment , " said one of the other girls , Hester , quietly . " For being what we are . God is punishing us and everyone around … " " Don 't talk like that . " Mary 's words came out harsher than she had intended . " You 're not being punished . No - one is punishing us . There 's … there 's no - one to punish us . No - one judging us . " She continued . " But this also means that there 's no - one to save us . Until the world rights itself , it 's just us , trying to stay alive . Together . " " Go to bed . I 'll keep watch over Melanie . " She turned and was climbing back into the tent , when she was suddenly aware of a shift in the wind . It had changed direction or maybe simply picked up . It brought with it a smell of frost . There is no - one , Mary thought . No - one who watches us , no - one to watch over us . There 's just us , doing whatever we can to survive . Melanie might die in a few hours or she might live for a few days . She might even recover completely . But if frost was coming , they didn 't have a few days and they certainly didn 't have however long it would take for her to be back on her feet . They needed to get moving and find a shelter for the winter . They are children , thought Mary . There 's no - one watching over them but me . There 's no - one but me doing whatever I have to , to make sure they survive . There was a brief silence as Vanessa looked them all over . Then she dumped her keys on a small table next to the door and folded her arms . " You could have called ahead , you know . And what made you think it was okay to help yourself to coffee ? " She looked meaningfully from the cups on the coffee - table to a tall , dark and handsome man , who was leaning against the mantelpiece with the grace of a very large cat . In fact , he looked more like a predator than Dozer , who was currently looking silly with his legs at odd angles . Vanessa walked over to the man sitting with Dozer and took the cat from him . She carried it out into the kitchen , Cornelius following her , where she put it down and poured food into its bowl . She then put the kettle on to make tea and only then did she turn to look and him . " Let me stop you right there . If you 're were planning to borrow from me , I only have enough available assets to pay my rent and day - to - day expenses . The rest are tied up in some very secure and very longterm investments to make sure that I can live modestly , but comfortably for the rest of my natural life . " More comfortably , than modestly in fact . Vanessa 's apartment was not large , but it was situated in one of the most expensive neighborhoods . And there wasn 't anything in it , from the largest piece of furniture to the smallest piece of cutlery , that wasn 't either antique or custom - made . " How very sensible . But no . Actually , I 've gotten my old gang together , along with a few fresh faces and we are planning hit the Dawbert Estate , get our hands on the collection of diamonds . " There was a long silence . Dozer finished his food and walked out of the kitchen to see if he could get some more head scratches from the nice stranger . The silence dragged on , until it was broken by the sound of the water boiling . Vanessa turned , took the kettle off and poured water over the tea - leaves . Then she whirled around and hurled the empty kettle at Cornelius . He ducked and it crashed into the wall behind him before clanging to the floor . " That doesn 't make you any less great . And old habits die hard , I know that better than anyone . I was wondering , if maybe you had - out of purely academical interest , of course - maybe done some research on the Dawbert Estate ? You know , taken a stroll around the perimeter and admired the security measures , looked up a few blueprints , maybe even taken a tour . And if so , if you would maybe be willing to share your findings with a few fellow diamond - acquiring - enthusiasts . " Vanessa narrowed her eyes . " I thought you had some nerve a minute ago , but apparently I didn 't know the half of it . You 're asking me if I have done preliminary work on a heist on the Dawbert Estate and then you want to borrow it ? Just like that ? " " Vanessa , please . These people who are after me , they 're not like the people we 're used to working with . They 're the kind of people who 'll kill and maim and torture and I know you 'll say that it 's my own fault for getting involved with people like that and you would be absolutely right , but done is done and … Vanessa , I don 't want to die , especially not the way they would kill me . I 'm sorry I 'm not as sensible as you . I truly am . I wish I could have saved enough money and made some sensible and legal investments and retired and lived a quiet life , but I didn 't and I may be an ass - hat because of that , but I don 't think I deserve to pay with my life . " " You may not . " Vanessa sighed and rubbed her eyes . " Okay , then . " She picked up her tea - cup and went back into the living room . The rest of the men were all sitting there with the awkward looked worn by everyone ever forced to wait in someone else 's living - room . Dozer was back on the lap of the man from before . Vanessa gave the cat a look to let it know what she thought of its treacherous ways , but was firmly ignored . She put her tea - cup on the mantelpiece . " Wait here , " she said and went into the bedroom , closing the door behind her . She was gone for about five minutes before returning with a small bunch of tightly rolled up papers . Vanessa placed them on the coffee - table and started unrolling them . They were covered in very tiny writing with a few diagrams . She could see the eyes of one of the men next to her widen , when he realised that what he was looking at was all tiny handwriting with hand - drawn diagrams . " One condition , " she said . " You will do this on March the 21th or not at all . I 'm will be at the opera that night and will thus have an airtight alibi , if anyone should think to connect the crime to me . " " I thought you would appreciate the coincidence . " She handed him the papers and he squinted at the tiny letters . " What is this anyway ? Notes ? Schematics ? " " A manual for how to do it . How to steal the diamonds . It 's all there . Of course , I wrote it for one person with my particular skill - set ; you 'll have to modify it to get it to work for your group . But it 's all there . All you need to do . " " Okay . Sorry . Okay . " He stuffed the papers in the inside pocket of his jacket , then immediately patted it to be sure they were there . " Goodbye . And the rest of the stuff you said . " His words were cut off , when Vanessa closed the door on him . She stood for a moment and listened to the sounds of his footsteps on the stairs . Then she walked back into the living room to her rapidly cooling tea . Filed under : flash fiction challenge , Uncategorized - Tags : detective , random generator , science fiction - Eva Therese @ 7 : 16 pm It 's been forever since I last did one of these , but fortunately I am unable to withstand the lure of a random subgenre mash - up . I rolled a 9 and a 10 and got Whodunit ? / Military Sci - fi . Yay ! I don 't really know anything about the military , but sci - fi means that I can just make stuff up . " I cannot claim much knowledge about legal procedures on Earth , " said Joger , a large grey and green alien , who spoke via voice synthesizer . " But should there not be an arrest made ? A trial of some sort ? Why are we here ? " " All in good time , " said Hale . " You see , this was a very clever killer , who led me on a merry chase . " She narrowed her eyes . " Helped by everyone in here . " " Kirst , " interrupted Hale and pointed a finger at him . " You claimed to be oh - so - fond of the general , when in fact it was so strained between you , that she had been planning to fire you as her orderly . That meant that you would have to join the rank and file and maybe even get in a real battle . " Kirst started stuttering , but no real words came out , as Hale continued . " Did you tell me any of this ? No , I had to dig around in Tibbett 's waste paper basket , where I found the draft for Tibbett 's letter where she was writing to request a replacement . The typhoon stopped all outgoing communications and you managed to delete the message , she was going to send , but she always wrote a paper draft first . And if you hadn 't been such a poor orderly you would have known that . " " I swear , " Kirst was sweating now . " I didn 't kill her . It 's true she was going to fire me and when I found her dead , I thought that maybe she hadn 't sent the message yet and so I deleted it . But I didn 't kill her ! " She turned to Joger . " And you 're here as a negotiator on behalf of your people . But very conveniently forgot to mention that you have a history with Tibbett . Back when she was Sergeant of the Riders she led Operation Zero Hour in which your home town of Moegawa was annihilated . I only found out because Tibbett regularly sent money to a foundation for veterans from the battle . And I only knew about that , because Tibbett mistrusted the computers enough to keep a written record of all transactions she made . Took a while to unravel it , but I found out in the end . " " That was then . We must focus on the now , if we are ever to achieve peace . " Joger replied in his clipped speech . " I did not kill the general . " " I know . " Hale turned to the last person , the woman who had first spoken . " And then there 's you , Justicar Franklin , who came to a remote military base on an inspection , right before getting caught by an electric typhoon . And at the same time as the general was here , no less . Very peculiar timing , if you ask me . " Franklin smirked . " Surely , you 're not accusing me of being uncooperative . I 've told you all about the general and my relationship with her ; not that there was much to tell . " " Exactly . He killed the real Cody and took his identity . Then he got himself a job here , near the front , where he could send back whatever snatches of information he could pick up . But then the general came to visit and she would be able to discover the truth . Because the general knew the real Cody 's brother , who also took part in Operation Zero Hour and died in the assault . She would want to meet the brother of her soldier , but there 's no way that Cody 's cover story would stand up to that kind of scrutiny . So he killed the general , hoping that the killing would be blamed on someone else , probably Joger . " " No , he was killed by another person , for reasons that had nothing to do with him being a spy or the general 's murder . He was killed by the one person who had been completely forthcoming , because she knew that she would never be suspected for the murder of the general . " Hale turned towards Franklin . " She came to this desolate piece of rock and had herself stranded in a typhoon , wanting to get to another person entirely . " With a groan , Franklin covered her face with her hands . " Then I killed the wrong man . The real Cody was already dead and I killed the wrong man . I 've waited so long for my revenge . And now I find out it 's all be for nothing . " She looked at Hale , her eyes wet . " You can 't possibly know what he did . So how did you find out it was me ? " " I knew it , when I found out Cody had been the killer . That 's when I started to suspect , that that the reason you had been so helpful was that you wanted the general 's killer found , so you could pin the murder of the cook on them as well . Everyone would assume that they had been killed because they saw who poisoned the food and leave it at that . But since the cook killed the general himself , there had to be another reason entirely for his murder . " Franklin looked down . " A ' beef ' you call it . He killed my friends from the orphanage , all of them . He was a guilty as if he had slit their throats himself and it would have been kinder if he had . " She swallowed . " I lived there for a time , after my parents died , until they could find my relatives . I made friends with the other children . I returned nine years later and found out , that not a month after I had left , there had been a outbreak of water swellings . The medicine had arrived too late and no - one had survived . I always suspected the truth , but it took more than a decade before I could get access to the records and look into it . They covered it up , you see . Cody was supposed to deliver the medicine , but he stole it . His superiors didn 't want the truth to come out , didn 't want people in the colonies to lose faith in the military , but the truth is there in the records , if you know what to look for . " Hale nodded . " The typhoon is moving on ; we 'll back in touch with the rest of the world in a few hours time . Are you going to come quietly ? " Filed under : flash fiction challenge - Tags : flash fiction challenge , random generator , witches - Eva Therese @ 10 : 53 am This weeks Flash Fiction Challenge , as always courtesy of the lovely and bearded Chuck Wendig was to randomly generate a cocktail recipe , then use the name of the cocktail as the title of the story . Actually making the cocktail and drinking it while writing was optional , but I 'm sure recommended ; I skipped that party however . My cocktail / title was ' Mojo ' . The bag is small and made by hand , without much skill , from leather . She keeps it open with one hand as she puts in a number of small objects . They 're what a small child might consider a treasure ; a white feather , a sea shell , a coin and finally - the only thing she herself believes might be good for anything - a few dried springs of mint . They smell as fresh and sweet as a summer morning and the scent tugs at her heart before she closes the bag and wraps the leather string tightly around the opening , before tying a couple of knots . She gets up , clutching the bag in one hand , as she puts on her coat . It 's all nonsense of course . Good luck cannot be gained from feathers and coins and the mint is simply there , because she likes the smell . It 's amazing that anyone would think otherwise , but then again they probably don 't . They probably tell themselves that the bag is placebo , something to put them in a positive frame of mind , yaddayaddayadda . After all , you make your own luck , don 't you ? They have no idea how right they are . She steps out on the busy side street , the bag still in her hand . The wind is blowing and it 's cold to be without gloves but it works better this way . A woman brushes past her , just some woman . She doesn 't even catch her face , she 's just a blur of curly , dark brown hair rushing past and then she 's gone . But she touches her bare hand holding the bag and a bit of luck is snatched from the woman and caught in the bag . The witch continues down the pavement . She doesn 't touch people herself , she doesn 't have to . They brush her in passing and , like a pocket thief collecting wallets , she steals small amounts of good luck , a day here , a couple of days here , maybe a whole week . One man walks into her and tells her to look where she 's going , as if he wasn 't the one talking on his phone . She gets a lot from him , three whole weeks and then watches without any emotion as he fumbles with his phone , drops it and it shatters . Now the small bag is full and she puts in her pocket . She stops in front of a window , pretends to look at the display , without even seeing what 's there , while she rubs her hands together and blows on them , in a vain attempt to get some warmth in them . Then she puts her hand in her other pocket and pulls out another small leather bag . It looks like the first one and contains much the same thing except that there 's a mouse skull rather than a feather and anise seeds instead of mint . She 's been putting off doing this for days - she dislikes this even more than gathering good luck - but the buyer is getting impatient and she 's paid in advance . With a sigh she turns away from the window and starts moving through the crowd again . She keeps her gaze firmly at the ground . If she looks up , looks at the people around her , she 'll lose her nerve . She 'll start flinching away from some and move towards others and try to decide who deserves it , but she is no judge of that . So she just keeps her head down , the bag clutched tightly in her hand and someone brushes towards her and she draws bad luck from them . The thing about luck , the difference between good and bad , is that good luck just is , like money or ice - cream . You can take it from someone and give it to someone else and then they 'll have good luck and the first person won 't . But bad luck , it 's like a disease . Spreading the infection does not make a sick person any less sick . And with bad luck it will make them worse . She walks slowly , almost dragging her feet , causing people around her to grumble and outright curse at her . She looks at no one , she doesn 't want to see their faces , she doesn 't want to recognize them on the news ' Walked in front of a truck ' or ' Came home and surprised a burglar ' and know that she was the cause of their misfortune . She tries to be careful , limit the risk , taking just a few hours from each person , but people are bumping into her and when someone shoves her from behind , causing her to stumble and almost trip , she reacts without thinking and draws almost a whole week . She spins around wildly looking for the person . It was too much ! She has to undo it ! But she doesn 't know who it was and people are passing her by without looking at her . The bag in her hand feels heavy even to her numb hand . It 's full or as close as makes no difference . It 's enough . She puts it away , then buries both of her hands in her pockets , trying to get them warm . She can feel the two small bags filled with the good and the bad luck . They feel the same . But after all , it 's not what kind of luck you get , but what you chose to do with it . She knows that better than most . Carver 's Creek was not her jurisdiction , but since the village 's sheriff was one of the missing people and her village , Whitepond , was the closest , she had set out to investigate . With her , she had Whitepond 's doctor . She had figured it would be a good idea to bring a medical professional in case there were any bodies that needed to be examined , but right now it was looking like a waste . Still , it was nice to have someone to talk to , to say things out loud rather than mulling them over in her head . " No bodies , " Trainor began , then silently congratulated herself on her ability to state the obvious . " No signs of them leaving voluntarily - everything 's still here - but no signs of violence and struggle either . It looks as if everyone got up and went to look at something interesting and then never returned . " She sighed and rubbed the back of her head . This made no sense . The Borderlands , as the frontier area was known , was a dangerous place . There were wild beasts and freak weather and horrifying diseases and , of course , outlaws . In the five years since Trainor had been sent to Whitepond to be their first sheriff , she had seen all of that and more . But she had never come across anything , which could make a whole village just vanish into thin air . " Or we could be stirring up trouble . Go looking for problems and you 're sure to find them . " Doctor Gaynesford 's mouth was a thin line , a stubborn expression on her face , but in her eyes was lurking something like fear . Sheriff Trainor stopped and grabbed Gaynesford 's arm , forcing her to a halt as well . " Doctor Gaynesford , " she said , trying to make her voice stern , which was difficult because she was talking to a woman who was old enough to be her grandmother and had treated the bruises she had acquired in pursuit of duty more times than she could count . " Do you know what happened here ? " " It was a long time ago . I was a newly appointed doctor to a small village called Westerlake . Today it 's a proper city well inside the civilized part of the map , but back then it was right on the edge of the Borderlands . " She looked at Trainor , dark eyes twinkling . " I was quite like you back then , all bright - eyed and bushytailed and eager to do the duty . " For a moment she seemed lost in memories , then she continued . " One day , the same thing happened as here . Everyone in the neighboring town vanished overnight . We searched high and low , but never found them , never found any trace of them . Finally we sent word to the metropolis , requesting assistance to solve the mystery and manpower to fight back against whatever could do such a thing . " She smiled sarcastically . " They sent manpower , but not the kind we had expected . The soldiers , who showed up , told us in no uncertain words to keep our mouths shut and forget about the whole thing . " " No . " The words came out a bit hesitant . " At least I don 't think so . But they didn 't want the news to spread , since it would scare off potential settlers . So they stamped it out right at source . I still don 't know what happened to the village , but I know what they threatened would happen to Westerlake if we didn 't keep quiet and I believe they were serious . " " Nothing much . We all agreed to keep our mouths shut . I and a few other people left Westerlake to go to other frontier villages , where we only had to worry about hungry beasts and freezing winters , things you can prepare for and fight . Or maybe it was just that we could no longer bear to look each other in the eyes , knowing that we all knew , but had elected to pretend we didn 't . Certainly nothing happened to Westerlake . The people who stayed prospered and now it 's a city with trade agreements and full privileges . Maybe the metropolis had a hand in it , as a reward for be reasonable ; maybe it 's just that the kind of people who can keep a secret like that and move on like nothing happened , are more likely to prosper . " She sighed . " I don 't know . The older I get the less certain I become of everything . But now you know , why I don 't think it worth it to pursue this . " The sheriff was quiet for a while after this story . " Do you think they know ? " she asked . " Our leaders in the metropolis . Do they even know what it is they don 't want the rest of us to know about ? " Gaynesford sighed . " I 've asked myself that many times . I think not . I believe - and I have no proof to offer , but this is something I have thought about through a long time - that the disappearances have happened even before my time and for whatever reason our leaders don 't believe we can guard against them . " " And so they would rather bury the truth . " The sun was beating down mercilessly . Trainor ran a hand through her curls . " Well , " she said , grim and stubborn determination setting in . " We might not get any help from the metropolis , but since when is that any news ? They don 't help when we are beseeched by bandits or when everybody comes down with thalevia and we manage anyway . Why should this be any different ? One thing is for sure . " She got up and gave Gaynesford a hand to help her stand . " I will not sit idly and hope for the best . I won 't let it happen , not in my village . Not on my watch . " She stood for a moment , then she deflated a little . " But even as the sheriff I can 't do it alone . Will you help me ? " She had misjudged the time and the bomb had exploded before she had expected . It had been shock as much as the shaking of the building which had caused her to stumble and fall down the fire escape . It had been a bloody miracle that she hadn 't broken her neck . The fall had knocked the suitcase open and spilled the cash all over the ground and now she had to pick it all up . Mr . Slate would have every inch of the place searched and if his men found even one note , he would know that they money had not been lost in the explosion and that someone had made it out . It would put him on her track . She turned back towards the suitcase , a handful of crumpled papers in each hand , and dropped them all when she saw the woman standing next to it . She jumped up and moved backwards without taking her eyes off the newcomer , but only for a few steps , before she backed into the stairs and fell backwards . She managed herself into a sitting position . After her first panicked reaction running seemed just silly . " That 's it ? " Cecilia cocked her head ; a few dark strands of hair made a run for it and got as far as her cheek before they were caught and once again hooked behind her ear . " You 're not going to lie ? Say that it was an accident that you set off the bomb and that the door slammed and you couldn 't get it open ? " Cecilia looked at her as if she had for a moment forgotten she was there . " That 's what you want to know ? Not ' what do you want ? ' or ' what happens next ? ' " Of course I want to know that as well . I just can 't figure out how you got out . Not even now when I know it 's possible . You were always the smart one . " " Very well . " Ariana sighed and tried to gather her thoughts . Her reasons , which had seemed to important and clear when she closed the door on Cecilia now seemed rather vague and stupid . " It was a dream . A fantasy . Slate would hunt us down , no matter where we went , and kill us . Not to get the money back , but just to make an example of us . But I thought , if one of us was found dead in an explosion , maybe he would think that it was just one person acting alone and that the money had been destroyed and leave it at that . " She looked at Cecilia , willing her to understand . Cecilia looked distant , not really angry , but certainly without any trace of sympathy . " You should have talked to me . Told me all this . We could have found a way . " " I … " Ariana shook her head . " I wanted to . But I couldn 't see what good it would do . I didn 't want to die and I couldn 't see any other way . You were always smarter than me . " Tears were running down her cheeks now . Filed under : flash fiction challenge - Tags : flash fiction challenge , mirror world , random generator - Eva Therese @ 10 : 12 am This weeks Flash Fiction Challenge as always courtesy of Chuck Wendig . Randomness delivered unto me the title ' Mirror Murders ' , which was actually rather easy to work with , since I find mirrors creepy , especially when it 's after dark and I 'm home alone . It also ties in nicely with an idea I have been kicking around with for a long time . The woman sitting on the bench turned her head towards them . In the sharp spring sunlight , her eyes were little more than slits and yet Detective Walker felt her studying them , cataloguing them and filing her findings away for future reference . " Yes ? " Walker took a closer look at the woman . She was not unattractive , but dressed plainly and used no makeup . Her hair was blond with grey streaks that she had done nothing to cover up . It couldn 't have been easy , being a pretty , young , blond teacher in a place like this and she looked like she had been doing her best to hide it . Walker thought she could relate ; as a Latino woman she was used to being judged by appearance . She didn 't look surprised , but she got an expression of distaste . " I would imagine that the police still has these places called archives . There you can find the testimony I gave a decade ago . " " Don 't , " snapped Crane . " If you know enough about that case to come see me , you also know that the only thing that came out of my testimony was that I was deemed crazy and had to spend six months in a psychiatric hospital , while my life fell apart around me . I lost my job , my fiancée . " She stopped herself . " Crazy or not , I have no other recollection of what happened that night , than what I said in my statement . I have nothing to add . Now , if you 'll excuse me . " She got up to leave . " Everything fits . How it seems to be a different killer for each victim , but with the same M . O . The scene of the crimes , locked from the inside . The victims found dead near a large mirror . Even details the were never released to the public . " " Oh no . They 've had their chance . If the same person still wants me dead , he or she will have to look for another way . " " No , but that 's your job to figure out . " She got up again . " It could be the same person behind these new murders or it could be someone new , who has discovered the same method . Find what connects the victims and you 'll find who wants them dead . Simple as that . " About half an hour later , Walker got up from her chair . " Thank you for your time , " she said , while thinking exactly the opposite . Crane had really been serious when she had said that she didn 't have anything to add . In fact she had hardly changed a word , compared to the statement she had made ten years ago . It still didn 't make any sense and there were no useful details . In essence , Crane had been attacked by her own reflection coming out of the mirror , but had managed to fend off and kill her attacker , who had then melted away to nothing . Walker had to ask herself , whether the attack had actually really taken place or if Crane had just imagined it , incorporating the details of the Mirror Murders , that had been known to the public . Crane went with them out into the hallway . " I hope you find whoever is responsible for this , " she said . " But please , do not worry about me . " She stood as if she wanted to see them on their way , to make sure they really were going . Walker gave a curt nod , Schuler muttered something polite and the two detectives walked down the hallway past the ladies ' room . " I 'll just be a minute , " said Walker and opened the door . The room had one of those huge mirrors that covered the whole wall above the sinks . Walker could see herself in it , naturally , and she could see Schuler and there was also part of the hallway and even the door to Crane 's office . And just as the restroom door closed behind Walker , she saw the door to Crane 's office open and close as if somebody had gone in . Somebody who had not been reflected in the mirror . Like all the others , this story started with ' a dame walked into my office ' . After that came trouble , as always . It 's not that I never learn ; by now I 'm perfectly well aware , that a beautiful woman walking into my office means trouble and lots of it , but somehow my common sense is always overruled by wishful thinking . And in this case , there was more than enough to be wishing and thinking about . Long red hair , legs that seemed to go on for miles and eyes dark and dangerous like the sea during a storm . " Very well . Money is not an issue . " She folded the handkerchief with a brisk movement . " But once I 've told you my story , you 'll see that it 's not like that at all . " She hesitated . " I suppose I should go back to the very beginning . " " A year ago my father found himself in a dark place . I won 't go into details , sufficient to say that it was a very dark place . My husband … Well , he wasn 't my husband back then … Mr . Kitsis , helped him out of the situation and in his gratitude my father promised him anything . Anything at all . Imagine his dismay , when Mr . Kitsis asked for the hand in marriage of one of his daughters . " She looked down at her immaculately manicured hands and added in a low voice : " He had a deformity , that made him very unattractive to look at . Had never had any luck with women , I guess . " " Oh , there wasn 't actual forcing involved . No - one was dragged off to the altar . My father wouldn 't even ask me or my sisters to do it . But I felt it would be very bad to go back on a promise that had been given out of gratitude , even if Mr . Kitsis was asking for something that , strictly speaking , wasn 't my father 's to give . " She licked her lips . " Maybe , " she said dismissively . " But that hardly matters now . The important thing is that we got married . And then we got to the wedding night . " She actually managed to blush prettily as she said the words . I wondered how she did it . " And he … " She hesitated once more and frowned . " He transformed , " she said finally . " Literally . When he lay down beside me , he turned into a beautiful young man . He told me he was under a curse and that I could help him break it . " A curse . There was trouble and there was big trouble and then there were curses . My common sense was getting the better of my wishful thinking and I was seriously considering asking the lady to get the hell out of my office . Instead I grabbed the bottle and poured another drink . " A curse . Go on . " " By agreeing to marry him , I had lifted the curse at night . But for it to be lifted completely , I would need to keep it all a secret for a year and a day . I couldn 't tell anyone . " She looked down and lifted the handkerchief once more to her eyes . " But I couldn 't keep it . My sisters weaseled it out of me . They pretended to be worried about me , about my happiness , but really they were just jealous because I was happy . Anyway , the moment the words left my lips , I heard a roar . I ran upstairs , but my husband was … gone . " She sniffled and looked up at me with those huge , dark eyes , shining with tears . " You have to find him , Mr . Horowitz . Find him and break the curse . I cleared my throat . " I may not be an expert , but shouldn 't it be you who go looking for him ? You , who break the curse ? " I looked at her stomach , but there was nothing to see . I fact , it didn 't even look like she had had any breakfast , that was how flat it was . Still , it wasn 't hard to believe that spending several nights in bed with a handsome young man , could have had that result . " Yes , I see why your delicate condition would make it impossible for you to travel the world , looking for your true love . " My common sense and my wishful thinking had a short but heated debate in my brain . There 's no telling who would have won , but then the two glasses of whiskey interfered and reminded both sides , that the lady was married to a wealthy man and that I needed to get paid if I wanted more whiskey . This made my common sense pause and my wishful thinking started to dream about whiskey . |
When he was only a white bunny , Bobby used to live in the woods with his other bunny friends . His closest friends were Homer , Janice , and Tommy . They would play together every day . They would play many games , but their favorite was hide - n - seek . That was ever so much fun . One day , Bobby decided that he was going to be the champion hide - n - seek player of all time . He would hide so well that no one would ever find him . Not even Janice who was the best hide - n - seek player in the whole wide world ! On that day , as Janice covered her eyes and counted to one hundred , Tommy and Homer hid in their usual places . But Bobby went deep into the woods , farther than he had ever gone before . His mommy would have been so worried about him if she had known how far from home he had traveled . After a while , he came to an old fallen - down - and - hollowed - out log in a quiet glade . I can hide in there and Janice will never find me , thought Bobby . So he hopped into the log and made himself comfortable . It was cozy . It was so cozy that after a while , Bobby started to get sleepy . I 'll take a short nap . Then I 'll go back and surprise them all . How all the other bunnies will cheer when I hop into the clearing after Janice has given up looking for me . These were his thoughts as he fell asleep . The next thing Bobby knew , it was nighttime . He had slept longer than he had intended , and he was afraid . It was too dark to find his way home ; he missed his mommy . He wanted to cry , but decided he would be a big bunny and not cry . He would wait for the sun to come up and then he would scamper home as fast as he could . When he awoke this time , the sun was out and the birds were singing . It was a beautiful day . " Oh , good ! Now I can go home , " said Bobby . He started to squirm his way out of the log and he was almost out when he heard , " Dum - dee - dum - dum . Dum - dee - dum - dum . " Someone was humming to himself . Then the phrase was repeated : " Dum - dee - dum - dum . " " What is this ? " Bobby wondered aloud . There was only one way to find out , he would have to leave the safety of the log . The voice did not sound scary . In fact it was quite a pleasant voice , so he made his way out into the sunshine . There , before him , stood the biggest bunny he had ever seen . And to top it off , he was pink in colour ! The bunny was stirring something in a big black kettle . And there were many more kettles spread throughout the glade . The Easter Bunny walked over to a kettle and lifted what looked like a heavy sack . He poured the contents into the pot . " You stir this while I go on to the next one . " Bobby turned away and hopped down the trail . But an hour later he was back . " I can 't find my way home . I 've gone too far . I 've never been this far into the woods before . " The Easter Bunny sighed . " I will see that you get home , but first you must help me . Pick up a stick and stir that kettle over there , " he said pointing to the biggest kettle of the lot . With another sigh , the Easter Bunny went over and opened a short step - ladder that was nearby and put it next to the kettle . " Here . Stand on this , and make sure the colour is thoroughly mixed with the water . There is nothing worse than spotted eggs . " Bobby was warming to the task . It was fun to watch the colour swirls as they mixed with the water . His attention was so fixed on what he was doing that he did not notice he had moved a little too close to the pot . When he did notice , he tried to take a step back , but he lost his balance and fell into the kettle . That was all right ; the water was not hot , but the edge was too high for him to reach . He yelled for help , but there was no one there to hear him . The Easter Bunny gave Bobby a towel and told him to dry off . " And sit over there , out of the way . As soon as my eggs are coloured , I 'll see you home . " A few hours later , Bobby was standing in front of his burrow waving good - bye to his new friend , the Easter Bunny . When he went inside , he saw his mother standing at the sink and he called to her . She turned to him - and dropped the plate she was washing . His brothers and sisters snickered and laughed . " What is it ? " he wanted to know . From that day onward , everyone called him Bobby the Blue Bunny . And when he grew up , he became known as Bobby the Big Blue Bunny . It was then that he stopped playing hide - n - seek . Being big and blue , he was always too easy to find . by Andrew JoyceMay 28 , 2017May 29 , 2017 I went off to war at the tender age of sixteen . My mother cried and begged me to stay , but my country needed me . I would not see my mother again for four very long years . Due to my age , I was assigned to field headquarters as a dispatch courier for the first two years of the war . However , by the beginning of the third year , I had grown a foot taller and was shaving . And because men were dying at an alarming rate , I was sent into the trenches . They say that war is hell . I say hell is peaceful compared to living in a muddy trench with bombs exploding around you at all hours of the day and night . Though there were periods of respite from the shelling . Those were the hours when the enemy had to let their big guns cool or else the heat of firing would warp them . I lived like that for two years . I was at Verdun where I saw the true hell of war . After eleven months , we fought to a standstill . When the dead were counted , almost a million men from both sides had given their lives and not one inch of ground had been gained . By November of 1918 , we were out of food , out of ammunition , and almost out of men to send to the slaughter . The people at home had had enough of seeing their sons and fathers and brothers shipped home in boxes . There were marches and protests against the war . Near the end , the dead were not even sent home . They were buried in the fields where they had fallen . At last , the war was over . I am told that nine million men died in those four years , and another twenty million were wounded . I was there and those numbers seem a little low to me , but what do I know ? I was only a private . When I returned home , President Ebert was there to meet us soldiers . He shook my hand and said , " No enemy has vanquished you . " He said the same thing to each man as he stepped off the train . Then I read in a newspaper that he repeated the same phrase in a speech . He should not have done so . It was the basis of , the beginning of , Dolchstoßlegende , the Stab - In - The - Back Myth . The myth that said we lost the war because of the Jews , the Socialists , and the Bolsheviks . But mostly because of the Jews . I told you of my war experience because I wanted you to know I was there . I saw why we lost the war , and it was not because of Dolchstoßlegende . However , Dolchstoßlegende would affect me much more than the war ever had . My mother , when she saw me , dropped the dish she was holding . It broke on the floor , shattering into many pieces . She rushed to me and held me tight . I felt her warm tears on my neck until she let go and held me at arm 's length . " Let me look at you , " she said as she cried with happiness . " My , you have grown so big ! You remind me of your father . " My father had died years earlier ; I barely remembered him . It was good to be home . I had no plans except to sleep late every morning and eat my mother 's good cooking . However , the sleeping late was not to be . When I left , my mother was working in her friend 's millinery shop , but the shop had gone out of business during the war . My mother had been living off the money I was sending home every month . She said she did not write me of her plight because she did not want me to worry about her . I was no longer a boy . I was now a man of twenty years . I had seen the horrors of war and I had lived through those horrors . Certainly , I could provide for my mother and me . Four days after returning home , I went in search of a job . My first employment was with a blacksmith . However , that did not last long . The automobile was driving him out of business , and he had to let me go . Then Herr Hoffman hired me ; he ran the largest bakery in Berlin . It was a good job because I was treated well and shown respect by Herr Hoffman . It was a job I was to have until . . . well . . . until I could no longer work . More on that later . It was about that time the troubles began . The Allies had demanded reparations , and because of the war itself , there were food shortages and inflation . It was not uncommon to see someone with a suitcase filled with Mark notes going to buy a few groceries . One day , a man came into our shop with a 10 , 000 Mark note and asked if it would be enough to buy ten loaves of bread . Before the war , a loaf of bread cost 10 Pfennig , the equivalent of an American nickel . It was good to work where I could take a little food home every day , even if it was only a loaf of stale bread . By 1924 , inflation had gotten so bad that the Mark was replaced by the Reichsmark , but it did little good . There was still rampant inflation , and food shortages persisted . Of course , someone had to be blamed for the sorry state of affairs . That is when the Brownshirts appeared . I used to see them on the street corners giving speeches . They were always going on about the Jews and the communists . In those days , I kept mostly to myself . However , being a young man , I did , on occasion , go to a beer hall for a stein or two . It was on one of those occasions that I had my first , but not my last , run - in with the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei or the National Socialist German Worker 's Party . They called themselves Nazis . The year was 1931 . I was thirty - three years old . I still lived with my mother and I still worked for Herr Hoffman . But by then , I did more than carry the fifty - pound bags of flour for the bakers . I was now a baker myself . It was a very good position . After my second stein , I could take it no longer . I turned to them and asked , " Were any of you in the war ? " I knew none of them had been because of their age . I think the oldest one couldn 't have been more than twenty - five . One of the younger ones answered my question . " No , but if we had been , we wouldn 't have lost the war . " At that , I had to smile . I was dealing with children . My smile seemed to anger them . " What are you laughing at ? " one of them asked . Another stood and approached me . " Are you a Jew ? " he demanded . That was enough for me . I stood and said , " No , I am not a Jew , but I fought shoulder to shoulder with them during the war while you were sucking your mother 's tit . And pound for pound , I 'd rather have a Jew fighting next to me than any of you ! " True to the Nazi form , they took out their batons and beat me . There were six of them , so I did not have much of a chance , but I did get in a few good punches . One of which knocked out a front tooth of the man who had asked if I was a Jew . Someone called the police , and they broke up the brawl . Just in time from my way of thinking ; I was getting the worst of it . I was told to go home , and as I paid my bill , I saw the policemen talking to the Brownshirts . They all seemed quite friendly with one another . In January of 1933 , Herr Hitler became the chancellor of our republic . In February , the Reichstag burned . The Nazis said it was arson and Hitler persuaded President von Hindenburg to pass the Enabling Act , which suspended our civil liberties . The Act empowered Hitler to name himself dictator of Germany , which he did in 1934 . His first act as dictator was to outlaw trade unions . Then he passed laws prohibiting Jews from working in the civil service and as lawyers or doctors for anyone except their own people . By 1938 , I had been promoted to master baker in Herr Hoffman 's shop . My life was good . My mother was still alive , and we still lived together . On my way home one night , I stopped off at a local ratskeller for a stein . As I entered , I bumped into a man wearing the black uniform of the Schutzstaffe ; he was missing a front tooth . I knew him right away . He was the Brownshirt whose tooth I had knocked out back in 1931 . All of Germany knew of Hitler 's storm troopers , and all of Germany feared them . I could see that he remembered me from somewhere , but was not sure where . Before he could remember , I left without having my stein . As I was going through the door , I turned to see him talking to the barmaid , pointing in my direction . Since the passing of the Enabling Act , it was legal to arrest a person for little or no reason . Most of the arrests were of people who spoke out against Hitler . The SS Storm Troopers were the ones that did the arresting . Once the SS had you in custody , you ended up in a concentration camp . The establishment of the camps was also one of the things Herr Hitler did in his first year as chancellor . I had no desire to be sent to a camp for punching a party member in the face years earlier , so I hurried home that evening . I remember the date well . It was 8 November 1938 , one day before Kristallnacht or Crystal Night , also known as The Night of Broken Glass . Over a two - day period , the SS and non - Jewish citizens throughout the country destroyed property owned by Jews . Storefronts were shattered ; homes entered and looted ; synagogues set afire . The property of Jews was easy to identify because their stores , houses and synagogues were painted with a yellow Star of David or the word Jude . On the final night of Kristallnacht , the SS - led by the storm trooper with the missing tooth - came for me . My mother cried and pleaded with them not to take me . I said nothing ; I knew what it was about . It was about revenge for a single punch in the face seven years earlier . The SS put me in jail and there I sat for a month before I was charged with treason to the Fatherland and being a " Jew - lover . " Without a trial , I was sent to Dachau , which was located in southern Germany . At first , I was treated as any other prisoner . I was sent to a sub - camp and used as slave labor , hollowing out a mountain for a military installation . Then one day , two prison guards hauled me out of the mountain , transported me back to the main camp , and escorted me into the office of the camp commandant , Hauptsturmführer Piorkowski . I stood before his desk with a guard on either side of me . Piorkowski was reading a file and did not acknowledge our presence . I was hopeful that at last someone had realized my arrest had been a mistake , that it was due to a vengeful major of the SS . I had been in the camp five months by then and had lost forty pounds . I would not last much longer if I was not freed . Piorkowski smiled and asked if I knew how to make strudel . Of course I did , and I told him so . Again he smiled and said , " We will see . " He told the guards to take me to the showers , get me a clean prison uniform , and escort me to the kantine . Turning to me he said , " This might be your lucky day . If you can make a decent strudel , I will take you out of the mountain and put you to baking for the officers and enlisted men . Our cooks are adequate , but none of them can make a proper strudel . And their breads are not much better . " After I cleaned up , the two guards took me to the main kitchen . There were two kitchens , the main one that prepared the SS 's food , and another one that did the same for the prisoners . Both were staffed by men of the Wehrmacht or regular army . The men of the Waffen - SS were above such things as running a mess hall . Of course , prisoners could not be trusted to work around food considering the insufficient amount we were given . They would not have been able to help themselves and would have stolen more food than they prepared . When we arrived , one of the guards left and the other one told the cook on duty what the commandant wanted of me . The cook shrugged and pointed to a table next to a wall of ovens . The guard said , " You will find what you need under the table . " And he added , " The ovens are heated and ready to go . " He did not leave ; he just stood there and watched me work . The smells of the kitchen were driving me mad . I was hungry , incredibly hungry , but I knew if I asked for something to eat , I would probably be beaten . Soon the strudels were ready for the oven . I had made twelve filled with cheese . When they were done , I took the pan out of the oven and laid it on the table . The guard was a young private ; he was licking his lips as his eyes followed the strudels from oven to table . Then the cook came over . He looked at my work and then picked up a strudel . It was hot , but it did not seem to faze him . He took a bite , chewed and swallowed . Without saying a word , he nodded at me and went back to whatever it was he had been doing . It was all I could do not to shove a strudel into my mouth . The private took me and the strudels back to the commandant . This time we had to wait in the outer office for about fifteen minutes . But at least I was not in the mountain with a pickaxe in my hand and a machine gun at my back . At length , we were summoned into Piorkowski 's office . As we entered , the commandant told me to lay the pan on his desk . I could see that a place had been cleared for that purpose . Then he said , " If they taste half as good as they smell , you will have a new job here at our little camp . Now wait outside until called for . " The guard and I left Piorkowski to enjoy his strudels . By the time we were called back in , two of the strudels were gone , and Piorkowski had a smile on his face . " It is a good thing for you that you are not a Jew , " he said . The questioning look on my face must have prompted him to go on . " If you were a Jew , I couldn 't allow you in the kitchen . None of my men would eat anything that was touched by a Jew , no matter how tasty . " As I turned to leave , Piorkowski told the guard that , after he brought me back to the kitchen , he could go about his regular duties . " I don 't think our new baker will try to escape because , if he did , then I 'd have to have him shot . " To me he said , " The head cook will tell you what you need to know . I 've instructed him to give you one meal a day , regular rations . We don 't want you getting too weak to make your wonderful strudel . " As I bent to pick up the tray with the remaining strudels , he told me to leave it . Then as an afterthought , he said , " Keep clean . I will give orders allowing you to shower every day . And when your uniform is soiled , ask for a clean one . I do not want dirt or lice falling onto what you bake . " I nodded , and the guard and I started out , but before we got to the door , Piorkowski asked , " How are you with pfeffernüsse ? " I told him I was the best with anything he wanted baked , including spice cookies . When I answered him , there was a slight edge to my voice . I was still disappointed at not being released . His smile was quickly replaced with a frown . " Never use that tone of voice with me again or I 'll send you back to the mountain . Now get to work ! " I was brought back to the kitchen and placed in the hands of the head cook . He informed me of my duties . His main concern was bread . There were 1500 camp personnel , mostly SS , but there were also , as I have said , some Wehrmacht . He would need 1000 loaves per day . Of course , it was also going to be my duty to make desserts . Unless ordered by the commandant to produce a particular dessert , he would leave the decision of what to prepare up to me . He was a nice man , a sergeant in the Wehrmacht . He treated me as an equal the entire time I worked in his kitchen . His name was Joseph Müller . It was late in the afternoon , and there would be no more baking that day . They fired the ovens at 3 : 00 a . m . and that was when my day would begin . It would not end until I had everything baked for the evening meal , usually between 4 : 00 and 5 : 00 p . m . After he had finished showing me around and told me what was expected of me , I told him that I could not come up with 1000 loaves of bread per day and desserts for 1500 men twice a day , every day , without some help . Sgt . Müller said he had detailed six men to help me . He had told them to do what I said and pay no attention to the fact that I was a prisoner . It was the first time in five months that I had been treated like a human being and it brought a tear to my eye . Unlike Auschwitz and Buchenwald , Dachau was not a death camp . It was a camp for political prisoners . Many died , but the deaths were mostly from disease and starvation . I felt guilty eating my one meal a day in the kitchen while my fellow prisoners lined up for their meager meal of watered - down soup . We were always hungry , but I had it a little better than the other prisoners . That is why , one afternoon when my work was done , I smuggled two loaves of bread from the kitchen and brought them to my barracks . My intent was to feed a few poor souls . But when the people saw what I had , a riot broke out . People were shoving and stepping over one another to get to me . The loaves were wrenched from my hands before I was five steps into the barracks . Of course , with all the commotion , the guards came in , and when they saw what was happening and what had caused the disturbance , I was brought before Piorkowski . " So that is how you repay my kindness ? " Without waiting for an answer , he went on . " One more incident like we had this afternoon , I will hang you in the yard and your body will stay there until it rots . It will serve as a reminder to the other prisoners that my will is law , and anyone who breaks my law will suffer a similar fate . " He then calmed down , and in a softer voice , he said , " Seeing as how you love your fellow prisoners so much , you can eat with them for the next four days . After that , you can go back to your meal in the kitchen . I don 't want you too weak to work . " When I returned to the barracks , no one would look me in the eye or speak with me . They were ashamed for the way they had acted and resentful of me for being the cause of their shame . But I could not blame them . Hunger is a terrible thing . To be hungry day in and day out , with no relief in sight , will take away one 's humanity . Six other commandants followed Piorkowski , and they all kept me baking my breads and strudels . That is how I survived Dachau . I did not starve to death because I ate relatively well . Besides my daily meal , I snuck cheese and fruits meant for the strudels and a piece of bread now and then . I had to be careful because , if caught , I 'd be reported . Sgt . Müller knew what I was doing , but as I 've said before , he was a good man . I did not succumb to disease because of my diet and the fact that I was allowed to shower daily . The commandant and the SS officers left in the morning ; the Americans came in the afternoon . The first thing the Americans did once they had control of the camp was separate the men of the Wehrmacht from the SS . Then they stood forty - five men of the SS up against a wall and executed them . At the time , I did not speak English , but a prisoner who did told me why the SS were shot . A half mile from the camp , the Americans had come upon railroad cars that were locked and standing idle . When the cars were opened , there lay two thousand dead Jews . They had been left locked in the cars with no water or food for three weeks . Many of the Americans retched from the smell of feces and rotting flesh . Many more were sick just from the horrible sight . So , when the Americans liberated our camp , they were not feeling too kindly towards members of the SS . In fact , they stood around and watched , and did not interfere , when prisoners who were not too weak or too sick attacked SS guards that had been rounded up and herded into the roll - call yard . When the SS men were dead , one man who took part in the killings came towards me holding a shovel , shouting that I was a Nazi - lover . He would have struck me , but another prisoner came between us . He held up his hand and said , pointing to me , " This man has done nothing against any of us . He did what he had to do to survive . You were not here at the time , but , at great risk to himself , he brought bread to us . He was found out and told that he would be executed if he did it again . What would you have done differently , my friend ? " The man dropped the shovel , buried his face in his hands and cried . I think he was crying because at last the horror was over and once again he could live as a human being and not as a feral animal . We could not leave the camp because the war was still raging all around us . The Americans were fighting their way to Berlin . My mother was in Berlin and I wanted to see her again so badly . We could not leave , but we were fed three meals a day , and the Americans brought in medical personnel to treat the sick . Half the camp was down with typhus . The war ended about two weeks later when Admiral Dönitz unconditionally surrendered . Hitler had appointed him head of state in his will . We were free to leave the camp , but before we could go , we had to queue up and get a card stating that we were ex - prisoners . This was done because many SS men had discarded their uniforms and were claiming to be either civilians or ex - soldiers of the Wehrmacht . There was no train service because the tracks had all been bombed . So I started walking to Berlin . It was a three - hundred - and - fifty - mile walk . Along the way , I saw what the war - or more to the point - what Hitler had done to our country . There was devastation of one sort or another in all the cities . The countryside for the most part looked untouched . But wherever I went , people were hungry . And so was I . I stole vegetables from some farms and received handouts from others . There was no food to be had in the towns or the cities , at least not for me . I was stopped numerous times by allied soldiers . Even though I had the card stating I was an ex - prisoner , I was asked on more than one occasion to remove my coat and shirt and raise my arms . The soldiers were looking for the tattoo of the SS . All SS men had the symbol tattooed on the inside of their biceps . Some soldiers let me pass without checking for the tattoo because of my thin frame . It was obvious that I had not been eating very well or very much for a long while . All members of the SS were well fed . It took me eighteen days to reach the outskirts of Berlin . I thought I had seen devastation on my journey , but I was not prepared for what I beheld as I walked the streets of Berlin . The city had been thoroughly destroyed . There was not a building left intact , and the people were walking around in a state of shock . I went right to my former home to find only a crater and half of a wall standing where my house should have been . My mother was nowhere to be seen . I prayed that she had not been in the building when the bomb struck . I spent the rest of the day walking the streets looking for my mother before I had to stop because of darkness . I found a cellar that was unoccupied . Even though the floor was rough and hard , I slept through the night . I was awakened by an excited clamor up in the street . It was the sound of many people talking all at once . I brushed the dust off my clothes and went to see what was happening . There was a line of people waiting to be fed . At the front of the line were American soldiers ladling out what looked to be soup . I hurriedly got to the end of the line and asked the man in front of me what was going on . " Isn 't it obvious ? The Americans are feeding us so that we don 't devolve into cannibalism , " he said with a slight grin on his face . He went on to tell me that twice a day , at various locations , they dished out just enough food to keep a person alive . Then he looked at my empty hands and added , ' Unless you are going to carry your soup in those , I would recommend you find a bowl somewhere . " By then there were about twenty people behind me and I hated to give up my place , but he was right , so I left the line . I had to go only a block . In a destroyed building , on the ground floor , I saw an exposed kitchen . I moved bricks around until I unearthed a pie tin . Next , I looked for a spoon . I was throwing bricks aside as fast as I could . I was in a panic that the soup would run out before I could get back . Then I found what I was looking for . There was only one problem . The spoon was attached to a woman 's hand - a dead woman 's hand . It was all that I could see . The rest of her body was buried under a pile of bricks . I had seen many a dead body over the last five years , so one more did not shock me . And I am ashamed to say it , but I took the spoon from her cold , dead hand and hurried back to the food line without giving her another thought . As I said , hunger is a terrible thing and a man will do terrible things to alleviate the pain . That was my life for the next month . I would line up twice a day for something to eat , usually soup . When I wasn 't in line , I would search for my mother . At night , I slept in an air raid shelter with two hundred other displaced Berliners . The occupiers had converted all the shelters into sleeping quarters . Unless you were extremely sick , you were not allowed to be there during the day . On all the light posts were notices put up by people looking for lost family members . I borrowed a pencil from a nice woman and found some paper that I tore into four pieces . I wrote my name , my mother 's name , and a short message on each piece , saying that she should meet me at the house where we used to live . I then placed one of them on the wall left standing at our old house and the other three on different light posts around the city . For as long as I was in Berlin , I went every day to where our house had stood , even long after my plaintive notices had blown away . It wasn 't long before the Americans told us that all able - bodied people would have to work if they wanted to eat . I was given a wheelbarrow and told to collect bricks and deposit them in neat stacks at a certain location . I wasn 't the only one doing so . Men and women all over Berlin were doing the same thing . I think the work that the Americans had us do was as much about keeping us occupied as it was about cleaning up Berlin . But there was no shortage of bricks , and I kept busy in that fashion for the next five months . At the end of each day , I was given a piece of paper that allowed me to get in the workers ' line for food ; a little more food was doled out there than at the other food lines . After six months in Berlin , I had given up hope of ever finding my mother . If she were alive , she would have been at our old house waiting for me long before I even got back to the city . It was time to get on with my life . I was a baker , not a brick picker - upper . And as things were , there was no need of my services in Berlin , nor would there be for the foreseeable future . By the time I came to that decision , some of the railroad tracks had been repaired , and there was limited train service , but only for commercial reasons . I hid in an open car that was carrying coal and heading northwest . The train stopped in Cuxhaven , a small seaport town on the North Sea . On the spur of the moment , I decided I would try to get to another country . Germany had been destroyed and , without my mother , there was nothing to keep me there . But first , I would need some money . I had been working on the docks for a little over six months when I decided that I wanted to go to America . But I did not have enough saved for my passage . I worked hard and I got to know a few of the captains that frequented the port . One captain in particular , Captain Hans Becker . One day he invited me to come to his cabin when the loading of his ship was completed . " Come and have a glass of schnapps with me when you are done , " he bellowed from the bridge . I took a sip of my schnapps and thought for a moment before answering . " I cook for myself every night . I do not waste money eating out . I am saving for my passage to America . " " I don 't see why not . I am able - bodied and can support myself . It is a big country . I am sure they can use one more baker . " Hans poured me another glass of schnapps and said , " I am sailing for America in two days , and I need a cook . If you agree not to poison my crew with your cooking , you can sign on . We will be in America for two weeks before returning . It will give you a chance to see if you like the country , and you will be earning the whole way there and back with no expenses for lodging or food . You will be able to put more away than if you stayed here . " It was a fast crossing . We pulled into New York Harbor just seven days after leaving Cuxhaven . The customs people came on board before we had even finished tying our lines to the dock . They checked Hans ' paperwork and when they saw that he was carrying industrial parts from the IG Farben Company as part of the war reparations , we were quickly documented and told to enjoy ourselves while in the city of New York . IG Farben was the company that made the poison gas used in the death camps . At first I had trouble adjusting to the tall buildings . I had never seen anything like them before , except in the moving pictures that came from America prior to the war . I soon began to love the city . Whenever I had the time , I would walk the streets and observe the people . They were all so intent with their lives . Rushing to wherever it was they were going . I wondered if they knew how lucky they were that the war had not affected America as it had Germany . One day while walking in a part of the city that I later learned was known as Little Germany , I happened upon a bakery . The smells coming from inside reminded me of Herr Hoffman 's shop . I went in not knowing how I was going to make myself understood . At the time , I still spoke no English . However , I need not have worried . The shop was empty but for a man behind the counter who asked me , in German , what I would like . I told him I was just over from the Fatherland and it was good to hear my native tongue spoken in America . When he heard that I had been in Germany just a week earlier , he asked me to sit down at a little table by the window and excused himself . He was back in less than a minute with two cups of coffee and a plate of cinnamon cookies . He had seen newsreels and read the papers . He wanted to know all about how things were back home . He asked if it was true that Germany had been totally destroyed . I told him what I had seen from one end of the country to the other , especially what had been done to Berlin . He sat there and listened without interruption and without touching his coffee . As soon as I had finished speaking , he took my cup , went behind the counter and refilled it . When he sat down again , he asked about me personally . Was I immigrating to America ? What had I done during the war , and a thousand other questions . We talked the afternoon away . By the time I realized that I would be late getting back to the ship , I had learned that he was a Jew and had left Germany two years after Hitler came to power . He had seen the handwriting on the wall . And I told him that , like him , I was a baker . He said he had things he wanted to talk to me about , but I didn 't have the time right then , so I agreed to come back to his shop the following day . The baker 's name was Herman Klein . He would turn out to be the best friend I would ever have . I arrived early the next day , and the shop was busy . There were at least fifteen people in line and Herr Klein could not serve them fast enough . When I saw one lady get frustrated at the wait and walk out , I joined Herr Klein behind the counter and helped him serve his customers . At last , the shop was empty . Herr Klein poured two cups of coffee , and we resumed our seats by the window . After blowing on his coffee to cool it a bit , he said to me , " If you would like to stay here in America , I think I can fix it for you . I can vouch for you and tell the authorities that you have a job with me so that you will not be a burden on the people of this great country . And when they find out that you were in one of the camps , they are bound to let you stay . " " My wife died before I left Germany , and I have no children . I 'm over - working myself and I could use some help , but good bakers are hard to come by . If you come in with me and we get along , I will give you a 25 % partnership in my business after six months . " When it was my turn to talk , I could think of nothing to say . I desperately wanted to take him up on his offer , but I had a commitment to Hans . I told Herman that I would have to discuss the matter with my captain , but whatever the outcome , I wanted him to know that I was deeply moved by the proposition . That night , Hans only laughed when I told him that I did not think I could stay in America because it would leave him without a cook . " Listen , my friend . You would be a fool not to take Herr Klein 's offer . The crossing is seven days ; I think we can manage that long without a cook . The men can take turns doing the honors . It might be interesting to see what they come up with . " That is how I ended up in America . I was allowed to stay because I had money , a job , and a sponsor . Herman was right - having been a prisoner did help my case . When I showed the man who was interviewing me the card stating that I had been at Dachau , I saw something in his eyes , something sad . Herman taught me English and when I was proficient enough , I took the citizenship classes to learn about this wonderful country and its history . Six months to the day after I started working for him , Herman gave me a 25 % interest in the bakery . It was official ; his lawyer had drawn up the papers . I became a proud citizen of the United States on 9 February 1947 . I was forty - nine years old . Herman and I worked together for ten years . He was nineteen years older than I and in the fall of 1957 when he was seventy - eight , Herman announced that he could take the cold no longer and was retiring to Florida . He sold me his interest in the shop , but no cash changed hands . Our agreement was that I would send him a check every month to cover his expenses with a little left over . If I sold the shop , then I would send him his percentage of the proceeds . This time there was no lawyer involved . It was a handshake deal . Two years later , Herman died in his sleep . . . two days after his eightieth birthday . I was listed as his next - of - kin and was duly notified of his passing . I closed the shop for a few days and flew to Florida to bury my friend under the warm Florida sun . I was sixty - one - years - old . I ran the shop until I was eighty - five . Of course , I had help . I trained a young man to be a master baker and ended up selling him the shop with no money down . He sent me a check every month for ten years . I told you the story of my life so that anyone who hears these words will understand that I know whereof I speak . I lived through two of the worst periods in human history . And they took place only twenty years apart . The first , of course , being what was then known as the Great War . I saw the carnage first hand . In that war , nine million men were slain . The second occurrence of man 's inhumanity to man was the second great war . Sixty million men , women , and children died in that war , including the eleven million human beings that perished in the concentration camps . To my point : All that suffering and all those deaths came about because of fear . I was young at the time , but I remember the election of 1912 . The left - wing Social Democratic Party made huge gains in that election . The right - wing Prussians feared a loss of power and started agitating for war to distract the populace . Terms like " nationalism " and " territorial rights " were used . We Germans began to fear that there was not enough land . We felt that we had to take land from others so that we would have enough for ourselves . It is ironic , or maybe not , but that is the same argument Hitler used when he had his army march into Czechoslovakia . He wanted land for the German people . All wars are fought because of fear . Hitler did not hate the Jews , he feared them . He feared the left - wingers , and he feared anyone that was not just like him . Unfortunately , there were too many people in Germany at that time that had the same fears . That is how concentration camps come about . Concentrate those who are different from you behind fences of barbed wire . In Germany , we gave up our civil liberties through the Enabling Act because of fear . The Reichstag had just been torched , and we were all fearful . Fearful of what , we were not quite sure . We were definitely afraid of the Jews , but our other fears were not so self - evident . We believed our leaders knew best , so we allowed them to take our freedoms in the hope that they would protect us . And once you give up your rights to a government - any government - it is very hard to get them back . Here in America , this beautiful adopted land of mine , we gave up our civil liberties after 9 / 11 through the Patriot Act , another act that was born of fear . Like the Enabling Act , it was supposed to lapse after four years . And like the Enabling Act , it is not going anywhere . In Germany , it was the Jews . Now many of us here fear Muslims . I am not saying that America is on the verge of another Hitler . What I am saying - and this is from an old man on his way out who has seen it all and lived it all - what I am saying is this : Come from a place of love , not fear . I am one hundred and three years old as I speak these words , and I can still get around . I walked to a pawnshop not far from where I live and bought this recorder . It is a cassette recorder . The man in the store told me they were obsolete , so he gave me a good price . I bought it to say just one thing . I have to say it now because tomorrow I will be either in heaven or in hell , I do not know which , but wherever I am , you will not be able to hear my words . So I speak them into this microphone to be placed on a tape , and I pray that someone , someday , somewhere will hear them . Not only hear my words , but also heed them . This is what I spent the better part of an hour getting to : There is only love and fear . That is all . All negative emotions come from fear ; jealousy , hatred , greed , just to name a few . Fear of not having enough , fear of not being loved enough , fear of someone that is different from us , fear of someone who worships a different God than we do . There is only fear and love . I tell you : Live your life with love . The kind of love a mother has for her child . The kind of love that a man has who jumps in front a bullet to save his friend ; love like Mother Teresa had for the poor of this world , the love that Jesus had when he laid down his life . by Andrew JoyceMay 21 , 2017 Eleven - year - old Aoibha Walsh with her first book . She is one hell of a writer and will only get better with age - like a fine wine . We are all very proud of her Michael and I grew up together . We went through grade school together . Then on to high school , where together we stayed . Neither of us wanted to pursue a " higher " education , so we decided to travel to broaden ourselves , as the terminology was in those days . At that time , we thought good would always win out over evil . But we were yet to be taught our lessons of the real world . Evil does sometimes triumph over good . Michael James was six feet tall . He had straight blonde hair and blue eyes . The bluest eyes I ever did see . If limpid means clear as I think it does , then Michael 's eyes were limpid pools of blue . The color was that of the sky , perhaps a little lighter with flecks of yellow throughout the irises . Upon meeting Michael for the first time one was taken aback by his eyes . They did not bore into your soul - they lit up your life . Then there was his smile . I had known Michael for many years and I don 't think I ever saw him without that shit - eatin ' grin on his puss . And that grin , and its persistence , was amazing , given the fact that Michael suffered from a skin problem . He had large red patches on his skin , including his face . They came and went . I thought the name of the disease was psoriasis , but of that I am not certain . Michael had no mother . She died when he was quite young . . . before I knew him . He had no siblings ; he was reared by his father , which is probably the reason I am alive today . By that , I mean he was raised to be a man . He was taught " The Code " of real men , which is : You do what you have to do . Though we both had the travel bug , my case was more pronounced than his . During the summer between our junior and senior years of high school , I took off and bounced around the country while Michael held down the fort , so to speak . When I returned to finish my last year of school ( at that time I still bought into the myth that you needed at least a high school education to survive in the world ) , I regaled Michael with tales of my adventures . Well , after hearing what a wonderful world awaited us out there , Michael could not wait to hit the road . He wanted to leave immediately , but seeing as how I had just come in from a three - month run , I prevailed upon him to wait a few months and allow me to at least try to get my diploma . He said he would wait , but he did not , or he could not . Within six weeks of my return , Michael was on the road . Michael was hip , and the only place for a hip guy to migrate in 1968 was San Francisco . And that was the end of Michael 's roaming . He fell in love with the city . I endured my senior year as long as I could , but two weeks short of graduation I said , " The hell with it ! " , stuck out my thumb and headed for San Francisco to rendezvous with my friend . This will tell you something about my friend Michael : He always had a place to live out there , and never paid rent . People were always asking him home , and once there , he just moved in . They were always glad to have him . And when I would hit town , he 'd take me to wherever he was living and tell me to make myself at home . The person who actually owned the domicile never looked askance when he brought me through the door , they all loved Michael , and any friend of Michael 's . . . For the most part , Michael stayed in San Francisco . I , however , could not stay in one town for more than a few days . I was like a pinball , rebounding from coast to coast , and from Canada to Mexico . While on the road I was alive . When on the road , I interacted with humanity and had to live by my wits . I loved being on the road . Because of Michael 's reluctance to leave San Francisco , I had two homes , one on each coast . My mother 's in Miami , and wherever the hell Michael was staying at the moment in San Francisco . On one of my forays to San Francisco , I was introduced to Linda , the love of Michael 's life - his soul mate . They had met at a Clint Eastwood marathon . A movie house was playing the three Sergio Leone films . You know , A Fist Full of Dollars , For a Few Dollars More , and The Good , the Bad , and the Ugly … non - stop , twenty - four hours a day . Michael had a bag of Red Acid , and in 1969 , what girl wouldn 't swoon toward a man who was into Clint Eastwood and had a bag of LSD ? It was love at first sight . Now that Michael had himself a woman , he got his own digs . Every time I hit town they were living in a new place . It wasn 't always easy to find them , but somehow we would always meet up on Haight Street . I stayed with them on Geary in the Tenderloin . We stayed south of Market in the low rent district , we stayed across from Golden Gate Park , and at the end , we were again in the Haight - Asbury district . One thing I must tell you about Michael so you can get a sense of the man . And yes , he was a man ; though we were the same age , he was a man , while I was just a kid . I think Michael knew he did not have much time in this world . He could not wait for anything . Back then , we were doing acid all the time . Normally , you would swallow a pill and wait for it to take effect . But not Michael . The twenty minutes or so that it took was just too long for him . He had to shoot the acid into his vein to get off instantaneously . Of course Linda and I would have to follow suit or there would be no peace . And in those days , I just did not have it in me to stick myself with a needle . Michael did the honors . The last time I came into San Francisco and saw Michael and Linda was in 1970 , it was July . They were living in the Haight . It was a crummy neighborhood ; the Summer of Love was three years gone by then . All the shops on Haight Street were boarded up with sheets of plywood , and the denizens of the street were the leftovers from that long ago summer . True to form , it was not Michael 's apartment he took me to ; he and Linda were living with a guy named Bobby . Bobby was a likable enough fellow . He just didn 't know bad men when he met them . Bobby had set up a " drug " deal to buy two pounds of marijuana . Nowadays it seems ridiculous to term buying two pounds of pot a drug deal , but in those days , that was heavy shit . It was my first night in town and we were sitting in Bobby 's pad smoking a joint when Michael told me he was going to be a father . I looked over at Linda , she was radiant , and she was also blushing . I was just about to say something appropriate when the door crashed open , and two guys burst through the entrance . They were the assholes that Bobby was supposed to buy the pot from . Only one of them had a gun , but that was enough for us . When told to lie on the floor , we did so without protest . They then said to Bobby , " Where 's the cash ? " Bobby answered , " In my pocket . " The guy covering us with the gun told the other guy to get the money . Bobby , trying to be helpful , reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a wad of cash . Then it seemed like a lot of money , but now , as I look back on that night , it couldn 't have been more than $ 500 . 00 . Before I could think of anything to do , Michael bounded to his feet and rushed the guy with the gun . When I saw Michael go into action , it released me from my paralysis , but not soon enough to help Michael . He took a bullet to the chest . While Michael was being shot , I picked up a lamp from a table and smashed it over the gunman 's head while his partner stood frozen in place . The man with the gun went down hard and the gun fell from his hand . All this went down fast ; in a blur , I did not have time to think . I picked up the gun from the floor while the other guy still stood frozen . Obviously they were not professionals , though , at the moment , that did not enter into my thinking . I aimed the gun at the one standing and shot him dead with two shots . Then I turned to the one on the floor . He was moving and about to get up when I put a bullet into his head . By the time the second one fell to the floor , Linda was bent over Michael . I dropped the gun and went to them . He looked at her and smiled , then he looked at me and said , " Get her out of here . " We both , Linda and I , said at the same time , " No ! " Then Michael died . It took me a full minute , which at the time felt like an eternity , to make a decision . I grabbed Linda by the arms and pulled her into a standing position . She was numb . I told her we had to get out of there ; that this was a drug deal gone bad , and there were dead bodies - four of them ! I told her prison was no place to have a baby , and Michael knew that . That is why he wanted her out of there . I told Linda to collect everything of hers and Michael 's that could identify them . I had the presence of mind to wipe the gun clean , but not to pick up the cash lying on the floor . Linda could have used it ; she had a baby on the way . I took Michael 's wallet . He had never been arrested so I knew they couldn 't identify him by his fingerprints . After I had Michael 's wallet , and while Linda went about collecting her things , I took the time to vomit all over Bobby 's carpet . It was , after all , the first time I had killed . We left Michael and never looked back . Though it wasn 't actually Michael we left , only the body that housed that wonderful , brave man . Linda 's folks lived in New Jersey , so I hitchhiked with her to the east coast . She was in a state of shock , and because Michael 's last words , though not implicit , were to look after her , that is what I did . After getting her to her parents , I stayed in the northeast for the next seven months . I kept moving , but would drop in to see her every few weeks . Seven months later , when the baby was born , I was there . I was there for my friend Michael . It was a boy and I was asked to be his godfather . by Andrew JoyceMay 7 , 2017 You guys are sensational . You looked over my first chapter and made astute observations and suggestions . Some , I have already incorporated into the manuscript - others , I 'm giving serious consideration to . I had not intended to post any more of the novel , but then I woke up this morning , I thought , Why the hell not ? Getting input from as many people as possible before publication can only make my humble offering better . And don 't worry . At the rate I 'm writing , after the first five chapters , you 'll be let off the hook indefinitely . I 'm not working that hard . I 'm too busy out smelling the roses , so to speak . And if I smell many more roses , my liver is going to explode . By the way , the horrors you are about to encounter are real . Maybe the reason the book is going so slow is not my drinking . Maybe it 's my research . For every ten minutes of writing I do , I spend twenty minutes in research . I 'm not saying that is a good thing . Perhaps it 's my way of avoiding that dreaded blank page . An ancient road it was . The Roman Christians had used it in the fifth century to spread the Word and baptize an entire nation . Then it was the Danes , or Vikings as they were known , who had come to conquer the isle late in the eighth century , deepening the wheel ruts laid down by the monks . By the time the Normans arrived in the twelfth century , it was a well - worn track that led from Cork to the Western shore . Along its length , the Danes built their castles . In the sixteenth century , Henry the Eighth 's soldiers used the road in their subjugation of an unruly people . Three hundred years later , Devin Mahoney , in solitary desolation , followed the wheel - rutted lane to an uncertain future . With a pale dawn approaching , Devin made his way east into the face of the rising sun . It was an exceptionally clear day - not a cloud in the sky . He saw no children playing on the side of the road as in years past . Occasionally he would pass a work gang , but for the most part he had the road to himself . As he approached the town of Coom , he came across the body of a dead man right there on the side of the road . There was little doubt that he had died from starvation . The body was barely more than a skeleton . It was not the first dead person Devin had seen . Over that last fifteen months , he had seen many . Devin wore no hat to doff as he passed by , but he did nod in that direction as a sign of respect . He made it as far as the outskirts of Glenflesk before deciding to stop for the night . He went into the woods off to his right while the last rays of the setting sun reflected off the somber grey clouds in the west , turning them a soft pink around the edges . He found a small clearing after a few steps . This will do , he thought . The road followed the River Lee , so water was easily accessible . He had not stopped during the day to eat , for his strategy was to make what he carried in the sack last as long as possible . Besides , he was used to going without food . Nevertheless , he now eagerly anticipated a bowl of bland cornmeal or perhaps a little oatmeal . He put the sack down and collected what dead branches he could find in the vicinity . After clearing a space for his fire , he snapped the thin wood into foot - long lengths and laid them on a small pile of dead leaves . Next , he reached into the sack for the matches . While rummaging around , he also brought out the small kettle and the larger of the two bags of food , figuring it to be the cornmeal . Once the fire was going , Devin went to the river and drew a kettle half - full with water . On the way back to his camp , the thought suddenly struck him that Missus Meehan had made no mention of a spoon . How was he to eat his stirabout ? He need not have worried . Missus Meehan was a good woman , indeed she was . There was a large , wooden - handled spoon at the bottom of the sack . Devin 's eyes were fixated on the dancing flames of the fire . They were mesmerizing . His body was warm , wrapped in the fine overcoat ; his thoughts wandered . Little doubts silently crept into his contemplations . It was a long way to America . Did he really want to leave The Auld Sod ? But if he stayed , what hope would there be for him ? Half the country was slowly starving to death . His thinking was abruptly interrupted by a thrashing noise behind him . Quickly he turned his head , but he could see nothing . He was blinded - he had been looking into the fire . In fear , he cried out , " Who goes there ? " When his eyes had adjusted to the darkness , he saw a man standing a few feet away , wearing a smile , his hat in hand . Devin relaxed . " Come in , Tom McNevin . Come and sit by the fire . " McNevin squatted opposite his host and held his hands over the fire to warm them . The firelight reflected off his gaunt face , showing him to be about forty . His hair and beard were dark , but starting to turn a little grey . His eyes were laughing eyes - merry eyes . His clothes were little more than rags and he sported no overcoat - he wore no shoes . He looked across the fire at Devin and saw a young man with a sparse brown beard and stormy blue eyes . He was a good - looking lad and his welcoming smile made Tom McNevin feel right at home . Devin handed the stick holding the kettle to McNevin . " Here , take this . Keep it over the top of the flames . I 'll do the stirring and soon we 'll be eating like kings , we 'll be . " " Like many of our countrymen , it 's been a little while since a bit of food has passed these lips . A day or two days , ' tis all the same . Since the blight came upon us , one day seems like all the others . I don 't count time by days anymore or even hours . Time is the distance from one meal till the next . " They took turns eating and when the pot was empty , McNevin insisted that it would be he that took it to the river and cleaned it . While he was at his task , Devin searched out more firewood . It was a cold night and they would have to keep the fire going . Devin would be warm enough in his heavy coat , but McNevin would need the warmth of a fire so as not to shiver throughout the night . With things taken care of , the two men sat down next to the fire , one on each side , and looked into its flames . They were grateful to have eaten this evening . Their stomachs were full . Tomorrow would bring what tomorrow would bring . But for the moment , they were two contented Irishmen . " I 've been to Dublin . I 'm going back to Kinsale , but there 's little of any worth there for me , no more . These days there is very little for me - and people like me - anywhere in all of Blessed Ireland . " " When I left Dublin , I thought I 'd roam a ways to the west and see if there was any work for an able - bodied man . I 've been all the way over to Glenbeigh . There is no work - and very little food that I 've come across in my travels . " " I 'll tell you true , Tom McNevin , there is very little for us poor folks here in Ireland . The land of St . Patrick , fairies , and the little people . The land of ruins . Of standing stones that have stood since the beginning of time . The land where my ancestors vanquished the Danes and ruled all this land hereabouts . I tell you true , Tom McNevin . " Devin threw on a few sticks to build it up . " Tell me , Tom . What is it like in a big city like Dublin ? Are there hungry people there too ? " " If you are not ready for sleep , I 'll tell you what I 've seen from Kinsale to Cork to Dublin and back . Me thinks that somehow we Irish have angered the gods . What misery I 've seen . But I have also seen acts of boundless Christian kindness . Devin laughed . " The coat was given to me by a kind woman . Underneath , I am dressed much as you are . " He then told his story and ended it with , " I 'll be going to America now . When I return , I 'll live in as fine a manor house as you have ever seen and have a coach - and - four to draw me to and fro as befits a man of my standing . No longer will I be walking from town to town . " McNevin warmed his hands over the fire . " I 'm sorry about your family . Me , I never had much of a family . My mother died giving bringing me into the world and , for one reason or another , I never married . Perhaps it was for the best . I don 't know how I 'd survive having my whole family wiped out in a trace . " McNevin leaned back as the fire flared up . " I 'll get to telling you , to be sure . I am a seanchaí of renown . An Irish teller of tales am I . You make yourself comfortable and I 'll pay for my supper this night with a tale that you will remember and pass down to your grandchildren as they sit upon your knee in that fine manor house that you will one day be building . " " I had six acres that I planted every year for twenty years . The crop fed me with enough left over to sell at market and keep me steeped in whiskey for a few weeks after harvest . My rent was always paid . But then the blight struck . The leaves withered , the stems rotted , and my beautiful praties were covered with dark and black patches . It all happened very quickly . " Without a crop , my rent I could not pay . The owner 's middleman badgered me daily and told me I 'd be thrown out onto the road unless I came through . This after twenty years on the same plot of land . I had always paid my rent , but would the landlord give an understanding to the blight and what it has done to this country ? No , he would not . He wanted only his money and his tenant of twenty years be damned ! I told the middleman that you cannot get blood from a turnip . " As a result of the agent 's badgering , I took myself off and joined one of those work gangs that the government had set up . We went out at dawn each day to dig holes . There was no reason to dig those holes , but if we wanted to be paid , we 'd have to dig them damn holes . The next day we would go out and fill in those very same holes . Sometimes we would build stone walls that enclosed nothing or made an existing wall higher by two feet or more . All for no rhyme or reason , only to keep us busy . " At least we were fed twice a day . Once at ten and then again at four . But it was very poor gruel they gave us , it was . And you had to work the full ten hours to be given even that . " At the end of the week , I would turn my pay over to the middleman to keep a hold on my farm . But he always told me I still owed . Finally , I had had enough . I was working ten hours a day , six days a week for two miserly meals a day . And after all that work , I still went hungry on Sundays ! " The summer of last year I gave up my farm and left Kinsale . I thought I could find work in Cork , loading boats . It was on my first day out that I saw my first horror . I came across a woman walking my way , holding a bundle in her arms . Like me , she was dressed in rags , and like me , she was thin , her face drawn . I could tell by her looks that she had not eaten in many a day . But unlike me , she had a look about her that I cannot describe . " When we came abreast of one another , I stopped and asked , ' Are y ' alright ? ' She looked at me with a blank stare and says she , ' I do be alright , but my baby is hungry . Can you spare a morsel of food for the wee little one ? ' " I had a biscuit in me pocket that I was holding for dinner . How I could I say no to her plea even if I had wanted to ? I withdrew the biscuit and held it out to her . She says , ' You give it to him . ' She unwound the swaddling to reveal her child . It was horrible , it was . The infant was dead , and from the look of it , had been so for some time . I looked at the woman smiling down at the lifeless baby boy as though he was alive . She had lost her mind either from hunger or grief - or both . " " I did the only thing I could do . I pressed the biscuit into her hand , saying , ' You feed him and have some for yourself . ' She did not try to feed her baby and she did not raise the biscuit to her mouth . So , the only other thing I could say was , ' Mind yourself , mother . ' She thanked me and resumed her slow wanderings . I stood in the middle of the road watching until she was out of sight . " " Aye . Corpses lay thick upon the roadside these days . I 've seen a few myself . A month back , I stepped into a burying ground to avail myself of a little shade from the beech trees lining its walks . There was a funeral taking place and I decided to linger until the service was over . After the mourners had left , the burying men held the coffin over the dug grave . One of them pulled a string and a spring mechanism popped open the bottom and the body wrapped in old potato sacks fell six feet to its final resting place . I asked about it . ' We have run out of wood for making coffins - there are just too many dead , ' informed one of the men . ' Undertakers all over Ireland are doing the same , ' said another . " McNevin leaned toward the fire - his face a ghostly yellow from the reflecting flames - and said , " ' Tis a little better than the country , but not by much . There is no work to be had in either place . People from the country have crowded the streets looking for work and the police do not like it . But they arrest no one because then they 'd have to feed them . What they do is give beatings in an effort to drive them back to the country . I 've been on the receiving end of a few beatings myself . " " Then glad I am to be going to America , " sighed Devin . " What else have you seen ? I want to know so that I can tell the people of America the true story of what is happening here . They are a rich people , and a kind people . They would send relief if they only knew . " McNevin threw a few more sticks onto the fire . When they had caught , and the flames danced about in the slight wind that was coming down from the north , he said , " ' Tis to be a cold night this night . I am grateful for the warmth of your fire , and I will tell you of more things that I have seen . I cannot understand how we have fallen so low . " " From Dublin , I walked west to Galway . ' Tis on the coast that I saw what cruelty really is . There were two women collecting seaweed and putting it into baskets . Having nothing better to occupy my time , I approached them with an Irish greeting , ' Dia dhuit . ' " They were both older than I , grey - headed , and dressed in rags . One of ' em had a ratty old red shawl about her shoulders . The other one 's dress was in such tatters that it was cut off above the knees . Both their dresses were heavily patched and neither of the women wore shoes . " They continued with their work , picking up the seaweed below the high water mark , as we walked along the beach . ' There be plenty of what you 're after just a few feet away , above the high water line , ' says I . ' Why do you scavenge for the scraps when the bounty is within reach ? ' ' We dare not , ' said the one with the red shawl . ' ' Tis the landlord 's property above that line . ' " When they caught up to us , two of them pulled the baskets out of the women 's hands . There was a sergeant and two privates . The sergeant said , ' I arrest you for thievery . You three are to come along with us . And come peaceably if you know what is good for you . ' " I was shocked at the turn of events . Not so much that I was being arrested , but by the fact that it was against the law to collect seaweed . Since when ? " McNevin answered the shrug . " I 'll tell you since when . Since those damn English came here with Henry II hundreds of years ago . Those damn English think they own the whole damn island and all of us too ! But enough of that . Back to my story . " " Apparently it was . The constable 's rejoinder was short and to the point . ' One of the landlord 's drivers saw you and reported you . There is nothing that we can do here . You must face a judge in a court of law . But why were you collecting seaweed ? You do not look like you have a crop that needs fertilizing . ' " ' We was gathering it to eat , ' said the woman with the torn dress . At that point , I spoke up . ' I was not stealing seaweed . I was merely walking along with these two grand ladies , enjoying the smell of the ocean air and their good company . You do not see a basket in my hands . ' " I wished the women well and continued down the beach until I came to a path that led back to the road . I 'll tell you true . There have been times since then that I wished I had allowed myself to be arrested . At least I would have been fed twice a day while in jail . " " Sure . You are my seanchaí . As we walk , you 'll be telling me tales of things you 've seen in this last year and I 'll be sharing my food with y ' . " " Thank you , Tom . There 's enough wood to sustain the fire throughout the night , but I 'll have to depend on you to keep it going . According to my brothers , I 'm not very good at that sort of thing . " I forgot to mention that publishers , for the most part , do not take on books that have already been published . And agents think the same way . If your book is selling maybe 1 , 000 copies a day ( or even 500 ) , and all by word of mouth , then they 'll knock down your door to sign you up . You probably already know this , but there are sites that will teach you how to write a dynamite query and their members will critique it for you and add advice . That 's what I did . I think the site 's name is Agent Query . They also have up - to - date lists of agents to work from when sending out your letters . Finally , have you ever thought of doing paid promotions with the likes of eReader News Today , Choosy Bookworm , or Free Kindle Books and Tips ? For $ 30 . 00 or $ 40 . 00 they 'll send out an email to their thousands of subscribers and you 'll get some sales . You 'll have to drop your price to $ 0 . 99 for the day of the promotion . Remember , the more books you sell the more reviews you 'll get , and the more reviews you get the more books you 'll sell . I never give my books away for free . When people get books for free , many of them stick it on their Kindle and forget about it . But if they pay for a book , they 'll read it . Even if the book was only $ 0 . 99 . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
She had taken my hand and hadn 't let go . People were suddenly very interested , I was well known here . Pulling her gently along we came to a couch and sat down . " A lot of memories for me as well . Did your life go as you plan ? Did you get the rich husband and houseful of kids you wanted ? Is that why you 're here ? Bringing another legacy to your old school ? " " Yes and no . Yes and no , and yes . My life pretty much went to plan until last year . I did get the rich husband and had four kids . That 's why I 'm here , My second child , Marie , will be a freshman this year . Then last year my husband traded me in for a newer model . We 've been divorced for about six months now . I can 't complain , he was very generous . I can 't even say I didn 't see it coming , and realistically I wasn 't too upset when it ended . We had twenty years of happiness , eight of comfort , and two of indifference . But enough about me . When we parted I came back home . We were at a meet and greet for parents of new students . Sort of a way to reassure them they weren 't wasting the enormous amount of money it took to put a child trough college . I did have a daughter here , but that 's not why I was there . I was actually dean of my department . We talked for about thirty minutes . Just before I left to mingle just a bit more I asked if I could take her picture . I was still in contact with some of our old friends . I showed her some pictures I had of some of them . She was nodding along making comments . " I can 't believe he went bald ! That can 't be her real hair color . Her husband looks handsome . Oh my , is that really Amy ? She looks almost like she did thirty years a go . Some of us sure aged gracefully . What 's she doing now ? Is she married , any kids ? " " Yes , she been married twenty nine years to the same guy . Two kids , boy and girl . She became a teacher , still works in the local school system . I think she 's happy , but who knows for sure . I know her husband can be a bit irritating at times . " " When you see here , give her this . I 'd love to see her again . And yes , you can take my picture . But loon - I means James , be kind when you talk about me . I know how I look - " I stopped her . " You look great . Besides , I still see you as a twenty year old , your hair in that french braid you liked so much , that great rack , and tight jeans . " " Oh , Looney , I hated that braid . I wore it that way for you . I haven 't been in jeans for years . I don 't think they would look so good on me now . " She had always been a big girl . In college she had weighed about 170 , but she was almost six feet tall so she carried it well . Now , if I had to guess , I would say she had gained a hundred pounds , at least . She still carried it well , she had always had presence . I hugged and kissed her goodbye , again watched by the whole room . I mingled a bit more , fulfilled my obligations and headed for the door . She was leaving as well . " Believe it or not , I still do . Hardly ever ride it though . Got a nice Ultraglide I ride when it 's fit weather . You remember what the winters are like up here . The tats still there , but awfully faded now . Goodnight , CeCe . " It was 1982 . I was twenty - one , single , and having a good time . I dated and bedded women , but had not found ' the one ' . To be honest , I wasn 't really looking either . I had a good job that I enjoyed . It paid well , so I was able to indulge myself with a few toys . My pride and joy was a 1975 Sportster . It was fully chopped , with a twisted girder front end , nine inches over stock . Five spoke mags and American Eagle white letter tires , rectangular headlights , teardrop gas tank , and a gleaming black paint job . I kept it spotless . It was a girl magnet . I knew as good as my job was I didn 't want to be a factory worker for the rest of my life , so I took night classes at the local community college . I got an associate degree in three years going part time . After graduation I looked around but couldn 't find anything better than what I had so I stayed put , working overtime and trying to save money . I had a vague plan to save enough to quit and finish my four year degree at a good college . that had been in operation for as long as I could remember . Alcohol laws were strange in my mid southern state . This was a dry county , so the place couldn 't sell beer or liquor . It did have a ' brown bag ' permit , where you could bring your own . Liquor could be on the table and you bought mixers from the club . If you had beer , it was labeled and put into a cooler and you were charged twenty five cents a can for ' cooling fees ' . Anywhere alcohol flowed there was a chance folks could get rowdy , so they kept an off duty deputy , still in uniform , as security . It had been the same guy for thirty years . He was now in his early sixties and was strictly a reserve officer , used for such things as directing traffic during major county events . It also had one of the best grills in the area , and one of my first jobs as a teen was as a busboy and short order cook . It was an education I would have never gotten working at a pizza place or teen burger joint . You got to see and hear a lot cleaning the tables in the hall . Drunk women would make comments or rub body parts while their men would have a good laugh . If they knew how many serious offers I got they wouldn 't have laughed nearly as hard . I wasn 't really a virgin , but two brief encounters on the backseat in the dark were the extent of my experience . My sexual education began in earnest when I was eighteen . One night the owner came to me and asked a favor . One of his regular couples had too much to drink and needed to be driven home . Another couple had ridden with them and the wife was to be the driver , but they had met friends and left them . The deputy wouldn 't let them get behind the wheel and I was the solution . My parents were friends with the owners , that 's how I got the job . I usually didn 't get home until one thirty in the morning and my mom almost always stayed up , sleeping on the couch , until I got home . I would wake her , and knowing I was home safe , go in to bed . I knew if I took them home it would be after three before I in . It was just before midnight and my boss said if I would take them now he would pay me my full time and I would still get home almost on time . He also said he would tell my parents about it the next day . Well , I knew they had an almost brand new Lincoln Town Car , and I would probably never get another chance to drive a car that nice , so I agreed . Barb was in her middle thirties and attractive in a hard sort of way . Her husband Bob was in his late fifties and owned the local Ford dealership . I guess you would call her a trophy wife . We pretty much poured Bob into the backseat . Barb got into the front because she didn 't want a drunk flopping all over her for 45 minutes . She sounded pretty angry when she said that . We had just hit the interstate when she began to talk to me . She didn 't like her life . Oh , they were rich , she got every thing she wanted but affection . Once Bob married her he pretty much ignored her . If she hadn 't told him to take her out at least once a week or she would get someone else to she wouldn 't even get to dance . She told me she wanted to go to some of the upscale clubs , gosh knows they could afford it , but he was in a rut and the little dance hall suited him just fine . I grinned . You don 't get much of a love life if you work until the wee hours on the weekend . If I went out on dates it was usually on Sundays . It actually worked out well for me , by Sunday most guys were broke and done dating for the week . I was presentable , had a car , and didn 't mind spending a little . I could have something lined up every week if I wanted . Usually , I wanted . " Nobody steady , ma ' am . My schedule puts a crimp on that . I do date . just don 't have the time for anything serious . " " Relax baby , I like you don 't kiss and tell . By not telling you told me a lot . I was a horny teen girl once . If boys were worse than girls it must be awful . And call me Barb , Mrs . Jones makes me feel really old . " These days it would have been called a McMansion . A huge house on a small lot in a brand new subdivision . It was two stories with a basement , built into a sloping yard . We parked outside the basement and between both of us we got him into the house . The basement was the party room . A small bar , a pool table , a poker table , party lights , a couch and some occasional chairs . We got him to the couch , He was a big guy and we knew we would never get him upstairs . She took off his shoes , loosened his belt , and covered him with a blanket . " He 'll be fine . If he wakes he 'll come to bed , but I 'll probably have to come get him in the morning . Come upstairs for a second . I 'll make some coffee . " " Barb , I need to get back to my car . I 'll just leave . The keys will be on the counter of the club when you come to get your car . " " Oh no . Bob would kill me if I left his car in a parking lot overnight . I 'm not drunk , I just needed someone to help me get him inside . He 's a bitch if he wakes up on the backseat . Let me wash my warpaint off and we 'll go . " Gone were the makeup and party dress . She had on a simple sun dress and sandals . Her hair was in a ponytail . She looked younger , softer . I couldn 't help it . " You 'll understand why a woman likes to dress up when you 're a little older . Plus , I have to project a certain image for Bob . Pour us a coffee , I have some cake around here somewhere . " She got out a pound cake . We drank and joked around for about 20 minutes . I didn 't realize it at the time but we were actually flirting . Finally she got the keys and handed them to me . " Ever have any naughty thoughts about me ? I know I do about you every time you bend over our table . You know you got a cute butt ? " " No , I didn 't but thanks for the compliment . And yes I do have fantasies about you . You 're the prettiest woman I 've ever seen . " She had me unzipped by then , had me out . No teen age boy alive hasn 't measured his dick at least once . I was six and three quarters , pretty respectable according to the two girls I had in my back seat . I felt hard enough to drive ten penny nails through a two by four . Her mouth felt like . . . I had nothing to compare it to . It felt great . She would nibble , lick , them slam all the way down . I was going crazy . The faster she went , the faster I drove . When we got to the exit we were supposed to take I was doing 110 . It was ten miles before the next exit and I could turn around . I was ready to explode . She went right back down , but licked slowly , lazily , sliding down on me once in a while with the speed of a glacier . I thought I would go crazy with the sensations . Soon we were in the parking lot . I rubbed her hair , her shoulders , slid my hand down the side of her dress . She stopped and got out of the car . I thought I had messed up . " This is taking too long . Remember , you 're on a deadline . " She told me as she slipped the dress off over her head . Of course , she was naked underneath . She hopped back in the car . I tried to be gentle , really . But in fifteen minutes we were stressing the hell out of the shocks on that town car . She was squealing , moaning , thrashing around , even let out a respectable scream when she had her fourth orgasm . " Damn , that was mind blowing for just a straight fuck ! After I get done training you the little girls are gonna love you . Now unlock the door so I can clean up . " I sometimes had to come in early for food service deliveries , so the owners gave me a key to the grill . She didn 't bother to put her dress on . In the light she looked even better . I was starting to get hard again . She noticed . " Clean up , your momma will know something was up if you come home smelling like pussy . And give me some air freshener to spray in the car . I 'll get up early and have it detailed . If Bob asks I 'll tell him I had to because he puked in it . It 's happened before . Bye , baby . " Well , I did clean up and got home about three - thirty . Mom was a little upset when I woke her up . I told her Mr . Williams [ my boss ] would verify where I was and explained about taking the Jones home . " Jimmy , would you like to make a little extra money ? If you do we need someone to mow our lawn , our guy just quit . We got a riding mower and the rest of the equipment . Of course , you 'll have to do it on Saturday afternoons , while Bob plays golf . He has allergies , isn 't that right honey ? " The next Saturday I was there at noon , when Bob left . He usually played eighteen holes and had a few drinks with his cronies . Sometimes he played a little poker in the club room . He was a cheap bastard . He would give me a ten and a lecture about doing a good job . Barb always gave me another twenty . And I made damn sure I did a good job every time . Like I said , they had a small yard . I could mow , trim , and edge in ninety minutes , If Barb would leave me alone . She had a habit of standing in front of the patio door in the basement watching me . Every time I made a round she would either flash me or lose an article of clothing . It made it hard to mow in a straight line . I would have to back track and smooth it up . As soon as she figured out it was costing her play time she stopped . I always made sure I was done before we played . " Practice , baby , makes perfect . You can make up for a lot if you 're a good pussy eater . Not that you have anything to make up for . The girl that gets you after you 're trained should make sacrifices to the love gods every time your tongue hits her clit . " Luckily we had just started out shower and she was getting extra towels when she saw him drive up . We never did it in their bedroom , she said she just wasn 't that much of a slut . We were in the guest bathroom . She yelled at me to stay in the shower , slipped on a sun dress and went out in the drive to hug him . It was pouring rain so he didn 't know she was already wet . He fussed at her for getting wet . They talked for a minute before he asked where I was . He knew I was still there because my car was still in the drive . " He 's in the shower in the guest room . He has to go straight from here to his other job , so he brings a change of clothes and dresses here . Remember we talked about that . You said it was o k if he didn 't make a mess . " We had been playing for about five months before it ended . It was late fall and the grass just didn 't need mowing anymore . That Saturday she seemed to be possessed and more demanding than usual . She finally rolled me off her and gave me a huge kiss . I was surprised to see tears streaming down her cheeks . " Just my heart . This was the last time , honey . Bob is finally starting to get suspicious , not of you , but he knows I 've been a little too happy lately , and to be honest I have gotten too attached to you . I love how you make me feel . Most of the time I just love you . But it would never work . I 'm 36 now and you 're just beginning your journey . Find some little girl your age and make her the happiest woman on earth . " By then I was crying too , but I knew she was right . So we lay there for about 30 minutes just holding each other . Finally we took our last shower together . No playing , just soft brushes against each other . " I 've got a parting gift for you , Jimmy . When you leave , drive up one block and stop 625 Oak street . The lady there needs some chores done , and I told her you were the man for the job . Now leave , I have some crying to do before my husband gets home . " When I knocked on the door one of the prettiest women I ever saw opened it . Where Barb was a tall , willowy red head , this woman was small at the most 5 ' 1 " , a blonde with a killer body . She looked to be about forty . Her blue eyes were so clear it felt like she was looking right through you . " I 'll come right to the point . My husband was killed in an auto accident 11 months age . I need someone to fulfill his duties . I 've used a couple of neighborhood kids but they just couldn 't perform . Think you can handle it ? " After I agreed , we made a bit of small talk and I left . As I walked out I saw she had an unobstructed view of Barbs ' house . Looking at it made me sad . I moped for days . I cleaned the gutters Sunday . She didn 't hover , but she did check on my work . Over the next few weeks I trimmed bushes , reworked flower beds , whatever she wanted . We never discussed money but she paid well . Because she didn 't have a husband to work around I started coming earlier so I could get back home to shower for work . One day she told me she had talked to Barb and didn 't see why I couldn 't bring clothes and get ready at her house . It would save me time and gas money . After about a month I had pretty much done everything she needed . In fact , this time what she needed took me only an hour . I was gonna go back home , but she asked me to stay , she needed to ask me something . I noted she had a drink in her hand and had kept it fresh the whole time . " Jimmy , I need to ask you something and tell you some things about me . Please hear me out before you say anything . " She paused to sip her drink . " I told you my husband died in an auto accident . That was true , but my marriage was dead long before that . After we had been married for about three years I got sick . It was ovarian cancer . I beat it , but after the surgery I couldn 't have kids . I was thirty one at the time and we had just decided to start a family . That began the end of our marriage . I brought up adoption a few times , but he wasn 't interested . We just drifted apart . " " When he died it hurt , but a tiny part of me was glad it was over . I intend to remarry , but so far I haven 't even felt like dating . And I 'm lonely , Jimmy , terrible lonely . I don 't have family close and my only local friend is Barb . " I took the binoculars and focused . I was looking straight into the bedroom Barb and I had sex in . We always kept the drapes open to keep an eye on the driveway . I handed them to her . She nodded . " Everything . I wasn 't prying . I was up here doing some cleaning when I looked out the window . I thought something was wrong . The binoculars were in the closet , I wanted to make sure she wasn 't being being hurt . But what I saw on her face was joy . " " I couldn 't help it . I started watching every Saturday . " She grinned . " You have great stamina , bu the way . I finally worked up the nerve to tell Barb one day when she came over for coffee . I felt like if I could see you two maybe others could too . We checked , this is the only spot where her upstairs windows were visible . " She went silent for a few seconds , then blurted out " It aroused me , I felt things I hadn 't felt in months , years . I felt like such a pervert . Stock in battery companies went up I 'm sure . " " Barb was happy she had someone to confide in . You know she fell in love with you , right ? That 's why she ended it . She even suggested I seduce you . I bet you 're missing steady sex , aren 't you ? " " But I wanted to get to know you , see if you could possible hurt me . I don 't think you would . So , I 'm offering . I 'm lonely , I don 't have a husband to complicate things , and I can be discreet as well . What do you think ? " She stood and dropped her dress in one quick motion . She had on a bra that was basically just a shelf to display her breasts , a matching garter belt and tiny panty . Hose and black heels . I wondered why she was wearing heels that day . It was true , after having a steady lover for months , I missed it . I had a couple of backseat adventures , but after thoroughly enjoying a mature woman I found the girls my age shallow . However , the lessons I learned from Barb assured the girls had a good time , something they shared with their friends . I soon found myself much more attractive " Joanne , you are so beautiful . I don 't know , this sounds goofy , but if I made love to you I feel like I 'm disrespecting Barb . Does that make any sense ? " I did as she asked . Words can 't describe what I saw . Barb was standing in the window with her own pair of binoculars . When she saw me she smiled , and nodded her head yes . She was crying at the same time . And she was nude . Never did figure what that meant . Joanne was an animal . Loud , demanding , willing to do anything . She would go to adult book stores in distant towns { she would take Barb with her for safety , this was before the internet ] for books and toys . It seemed like every time I got there she had a new position or toy for us to try . She enjoyed the road less taken and we did a lot of anal . She really got into light bondage . I was uncomfortable with that for a long time , but I felt like if I didn 't actually hurt her it was all right . Besides , what guy can 't say he wasn 't turned on to come into the house to find his lover kneeling by the door in just a collar and a leash ? And she really , really enjoyed spankings . With Barb I made love . With Joanne we fucked . The only thing I would never do was make love in the bedroom facing Barbs ' house . She wanted to leave the drapes open to give Barb a thrill . I just couldn 't do it . Just before I graduated from high school I took some of the money I saved and bought a bike . It was a 1968 Triumph trophy twin , 500cc . My mom wasn 't too happy , but I had just turned 18 and due to graduate in about a month . They knew I was moving out , two friends and I had rented an old house . I put the bike and insurance in my name . They didn 't want me to leave , but one of the reason I worked so many part time jobs was because I had three younger sisters , and money was always tight . This would ease some of the burden . My dad didn 't say it much , but he was proud of me . I kind of think he had an idea of what I did with Barb and Joanne , he would look at me and grin from time to time . This is when I learned what a pussy magnet a bike was . The girls from school almost lined up for rides . And Joanne went wild the first time I took her out on it . Part of our routine soon included a romp in bed , followed by a twenty or thirty minute ride on the bike , then back to an even bigger romp when we got back . She asked me what I was going to do with my life . I had a regular job but it didn 't pay much . I was going to community college part time , In fact the school was really close to her house , which is why I spent more time with her . Sometimes I spent the night , rarely without lovemaking . Every once in a while she just wanted to cuddle . On the nights I stayed over , Joanne would get up early and make me breakfast . I told her she didn 't have to , she said she enjoyed it . Every once in a while her robe would gap open and I would be late for work . One day she asked me again what I wanted to do with my life . I asked her not to laugh at me but I always thought I would make a good teacher She didn 't laugh , she said I would make an excellent teacher . Of course , she was rubbing her bottom at the time and said I should get a position teaching Spanking 101 . We did get carried away the night before , but I did point out I wasn 't the one screaming harder . " Money . My job is all right but it doesn 't pay much , and I can 't seem to find anything that pays better . I did all right in school but not good enough for a scholarship . I 've got almost a year of community college done , but when I get my associate degree my schooling will probably end . I just won 't have the money for a regular university . " It turned out her ex sister in law was the personnel director for Glib Industries , on of the top paying companies in the area . You practically had to wait for someone to die before a position became available . And the waiting list was huge , everyone in the area had applied at one time or another . She was still close to her . She told me from recent conversations that the company was about to expand . Without making promises , she told me to put in an application , and to put her and Barbs ' husband down as references , she would square it with her . I did but didn 't expect much . I came home about three weeks later and one of my roommates told me Glib had and called and wanted me to come in for an interview . I called them immediately and agreed to come for an interview at nine the next morning . I was going to blow off work , but this would be too good an opportunity to pass up . She smiled and said " I understand you do odd jobs for my sister in law . She thinks highly of you . Now , tell me why you want this job . " " I 'm glad you were honest , Joanne had already told me your life goals . You might be interested to know the company awards scholarships , usually if it 's beneficial for them , but sometimes it 's just general . I 'm going to turn you over to the production manager . If it goes well with him he 'll give you to a shift manager . If it gets that far you have a real shot at the job . " Well , I jumped through the hoops well enough to get hired . The day I found out I rode my bike straight over to Joannes ' . When she opened the door I snatched her off her feet and gave her a massive kiss . I must have held her off her feet for three minutes before I put her down . After she got her breath back she asked me what that was all about , not that she minded . I twirled her around again . " I 'd be proud to walk down main street at high noon with you on my arm , and send out flyers to draw a crowd . Now , get into some tight jeans so everyone can admire that perfect ass and let 's go . i know just the place . " I was going to take her out for dinner , but after she dressed I changed plan . We pulled into a bar I had been into a few times . It wasn 't a biker bar , but there was always a few bikes in the lot . They were mostly guys like me , who just liked to ride occasionally . I could tell she was a bit frightened , but in a fit of bravado I told her to relax , she was with me . She stifled a grin and grabbed my hand and practically dragged me in . We were a smash , guys flocked to our table . Soon she was being asked to dance . She always made them ask me first , and never danced a slow one with anyone but me . One big guy asked her what I had the he didn 't . She smiled sweetly and said " me " . Also mentioned in the conversation was the fact that the last time we were in a bar and someone tried to dance with her without my permission I shot him in the foot . Pure bullshit , but he didn 't know that . People were a lot more polite after that story made it around the bar . I thought I was going to have to strap her on the bike to get her home . The cool wind sobered her a little but not much . I kept felling her wiggling around but didn 't know why . When we pulled into the drive way she hopped off and came around the bike . Some where between the bar and the house she had managed to take off and toss her shirt and bra . She had been topless for a few miles . She was laughing hysterically while she was running for the door . I caught her at the bed room . It was by far the best sex I had with her to date . Two weeks later I spent the night . She was quiet all evening and when I asked what was wrong she said she was just thinking about the future . The next morning she gave me the bad news . " Honey , I love you , you know that . But the other week at the bar made me realize I needed to start dating again . It 's time to stop hiding behind my It hit me even harder than losing Barb . I went over a couple more times but the spark was gone . Then one Saturday she called me up and asked if I could spend the night . She said it was the last time we would be together and she wanted it to make it special , and make plans to spend most of Sunday too . I almost didn 't go . I pulled up about six that evening . Joanne didn 't meet me at the door , sometimes she wanted me to come right on in . To say that I was surprised to see her and Barb kneeling naked with just matching collars , leashes , and wrist and ankle restraints would be a really accurate observation . . . They each grabbed a hand , put their leash in it , and practically dragged me into the bed room . I was on sensory overload . Two of everything , breasts , bottoms , tongues . I 'm glad it was a sturdy bed . One straddling my head while the other rode me , both mouths on my dick at the same time , I even think at one time they were kissing each other while I had them side by side on the bed , tongue trailing from one pussy to the other . I strapped Joanne down and spanked her while Barb sat on a chair and watched . When we were done Barb insisted she have a turn just to see what it felt like . I don 't know which turned her on more , me doing it while Joanne watched or Joanne getting in a few licks when while I watched . I think she actually came when I told Joanne to kiss it and make it feel better , especially when she trailed her tongue across the crack of her ass . Before we released her Joanne got out her toys and brought her to two screaming orgasms . When we released her she shoved Joanne to the bed and insisted turnabout was fair play . I helped strap her down and Barb worked her until the batteries died . Barb sat and watched while we did anal , intrigued . By Sunday afternoon she wanted to try it . I eased into her as gently as possible while Joanne held her hand and encouraged her . She actually had a climax and admitted it wasn 't what she thought it would be and wondering how she could get Bob to think it was his idea when he got back from Detroit . Twenty four hours later we were literally fucked out . We let Barb sleep for a few hours before we sent her home to Bob . He was due in late that night . I was afraid he would find out what happened when he saw her body , but she said she was going to jump him so quick he wouldn 't know what hit him , and then complain the next morning about how sore he had made her . |
Bert : When I was going to write about my early friendship with Eugene - and I might still someday - I was going to start by saying that on my desk there is a black book , and as I open that book , Raymond Chandler 's Mystery Omnibus , on one of the flyleaf covers it says , " Merry Christmas , Bert . From Eugene . 1948 . " Bert : Mine was not anywhere near that good . But then inside of the book there 's a card I stuck in here sometime . This is hard to read , and I don 't have my glasses . Charlotte : " Hi , Bert . On our way up to Canada on vacation with friends and family . Having a wonderful trip . Lot 's of swell scenery . Will be up for harvest in a couple of weeks . Your friend Gene . " This is July , 1950 . Bert : Yes . But what I wanted you to notice in that is in 1948 in the book he signs it " Eugene , " but in the card he signs it " Gene . " Two years ' difference . What you get in those two signatures is his earlier persona in Downey , where he was always " Eugene . " And then he left Downey at the end of the 6th grade . Bert : I don 't know . We would have been in the first grade when we were 6 and then in the 6th grade would have been , I guess , 12 . He moved at the end of his 6th grade year , to Salt Lake . They kept their farm for quite a while , and each year they came back to harvest . Well , they came back earlier in the year to plow the fields , just to weed , to sow the grain ; and then the big event was the harvest . And so he wrote this card just telling me that he 'll be back in two weeks for the harvest , and he signed it " Gene , " which is the persona he was after he left Downey . But here in the book , he signed it " Eugene , " which we always called him there . During the Downey days it was his father who was Gene , and so people didn 't call the son Gene . They called him Eugene , at least our age people did . I don 't know what the rest of the community did . So he was always Eugene . And that 's why , until the end of his life , I called him Eugene , because that 's how we referred to him when we were young . We met when we were five . Where was Eugene born ? Bert : Well , he would have been living in Downey for a while when we moved there . I was 5 and he was 5 when we moved to Downey in March of 1939 . And that fall of 1939 , we started school . By then we were six , or at least Gene was 6 . I wasn 't 6 until the 23rd of September . I started two weeks early - or I started school two weeks before I turned 6 . But I didn 't know him too well right at first . I didn 't know anybody when we first moved to Downey . We lived in the opposite ends of town . We lived in a railroad house down by the railroad tracks . We had railroad tracks on one side and the highway on the other side . Just across the tracks was the grain elevator . Eugene 's dad bought that because he didn 't like to pay the middleman 's price to take his grains in the big elevator , where all ranchers and farmers brought their grain and unloaded it there . They would weigh it so that they 'd know how much it was . They 'd grade it - they 'd take a scoop of it out and look at it and see if it had a lot of weeds and other stuff in it , or if it was clean . They would keep a record there of each individual farmer 's harvest . But Eugene 's father didn 't like that . He knew that the cost he had to pay for that , he might as well keep for himself . So he bought this elevator that was right by the railroad tracks , or one of the spurs of the railroad track ; and then he built another silo . He had two silos to start with , and he built a third one . That 's where he brought the grain from the harvest , stored it in those silos , and then when the price was what he wanted it to be , he sold it . He wasn 't dependent on the other elevators . There were three other elevators in town at that time . But the big one where most people went was the Downey Grain Growers , I guess it was . Before school started there was a kind of - it wasn 't kindergarten , because it was almost the end of the school year when we moved there in March . During the summer they had some program , up at the elementary school , for young people . I guess I met him there . I only went there a couple of times . But then in September , we started school . They just built the new elementary school , so we were the first class to be the First Graders in that school , and we were the first class to go all the way through for 8 grades . As I say , we lived on opposites sides of the tracks , but I gradually got to know the students in that first grade class and became friends with him . It wasn 't like it is today , where you have a changing population . You 've seen some of those pictures from back at that time . Bert : I think he knew . I think his dad , who was quite an entrepreneur , saw business opportunities for himself in the Salt Lake . You probably know that history better than I do . I just know that they pulled up stakes and moved , but they kept farming . Bert : No . They sold their house . When they 'd come back in the summer they 'd stay in strange places . There was one summer , I remember , where there was just a little house with two rooms , if it had that much ; and they rented that and stayed in that . Bert : No , Dora came sometimes . I don 't remember well enough . I remember Dora being in that small little house . I guess Ann was there too . I remember other houses that they stayed in while they were there for the harvest . But I can 't remember all of them , by any means , and I don 't know when they quit doing the harvest and quit running the farm themselves . They eventually leased it or sold it . Bert : Yes . And whether he came every year ' til I graduated from high school , I don 't know . I think not . But he came back , as we saw from that one card . His card said , " I 'll be back in a couple of weeks for the harvest . " These friends that he 'd gone to Canada with were friends from Salt Lake , not from Downey , and so he was looking forward to coming back . He ran that elevator . His dad would truck a load ; there was a bin on the elevator and the driver would drive up . He 'd get back there quite soon after he 'd come down , and unloaded his last load of wheat . It was about three to four miles up to where the farm was . He would unload the bin on the harvester , the combine , and then wait there until he had cut another load . Then he would unload that , and then he would drive down to the elevator , down in Downey , Eugene 's dad 's elevator . Then he would dump that load . There was a pit in the bottom before he drove in , and he would dump the grain into that pit . Then there was an auger that ran from that pit over to the elevator , and that thing would churn around and carry the wheat over to the elevator . And then there was a conveyor belt , a long belt with cups on it , and that would scoop up the wheat that had been brought into that place by the conveyor belt and take it up to the top of the elevator , and then dump it in whichever one of those three silos they wanted to put it in . Once it got up to the top they could direct which way it would go . There was a spout up there and they could just turn it to one silo ; and when that was full they would turn it to the other one . You didn 't have a lot of time then . And also , he discovered that he could leave that grain in the pit unloaded . It was a big enough pit that it would hold two loads of grain . And so Eugene would turn it off , and the guy who was driving the truck would come back and unload one load , and then he 'd go back up in the hills where the farm was and get another load and bring it back . And so he could bring one load and put it in the pit , and Eugene would just leave it there ; and then the guy would go get another load and bring it back . Then there were two loads in the pit , and it was time to get rid of them . So Eugene would then turn the elevator on and run it so that he put the grain in the silos . That left him quite a bit of time . I think his dad would have liked him to stay there for every load , but he Charlotte : Where did you have those ? Bert : That one silo , the one that Gene 's dad built after he bought it , there was a wooden door that you could open to get inside of it from the bottom before the grain came in . After it was full of grain you couldn 't do that , obviously . But we would often - we all had these rubber guns . Do you know what the rubber guns look like ? Bert : We made , sometimes , pistols , and occasionally , actually , a rifle with a long barrel . But you really had to have a good rubber band to work there . So you cut it out like a pistol with a handle . Then you used a clothespin . You 'd get these rubber bands from an inner tube . Back in those days , we didn 't have tubeless tires . All tires had tubes . So we 'd get an old tube , cut it into bands . We could get a lot of bands from one tire . We used to tie a knot in the middle of it . Then you would take one rubber band and just hold that clothespin - the kind of clothespins we used back then - and wrap that around the pistol handle and around one side of the clothespin just to hold it there . Then you would get the other band , and this time you would really wrap it tightly so that you had to put some pressure on it to put your hand to squeeze it so that the rubber band would fly off . Then you put it with that clothespin adhering to the handle , and you 'd get this band and you would stick one end in the clothespin and open the clothespin and stick that in . Then you would pull it out and put it on the other end of the pistol . And that 's why you had to have that clothespin firing side , I guess I would call it , very tight . Otherwise it wouldn 't hold the rubber band . Anyway , we all had those . Then we 'd get inside of that elevator . There 'd be a different number of people there . A lot of the kids would come running in , riding in on their bicycles , for a good rubber gun fight , who didn 't live in that area at all . Then we would get inside of there and we would stand , some stand on one side of the silo and one on the other . Then they 'd shut the door and we would reposition ourselves however we wanted . Someone would yell , " Fire , " and we would shoot our rubber bands through the dark over to the other side . I don 't know if everybody was honest or not and admit it when he was hit . But more often than doing that , we would just have a rubber gun fight all around the place . We would choose up sides and then you 'd sneak around and try to sneak up on somebody and kill him by hitting him with one of these rubber bands from your rubber gun . When everybody was killed on one side , then we 'd start a new game . Bert : No , they didn 't care that we were doing this . We wouldn 't hurt anything . I don 't know what his dad thought about it . I think he might have wondered if Eugene paid proper attention to the elevator instead of having rubber gun fights all of the time . There was a road that came down through the main part of town to that elevator , and across that little road was an abandoned mill where they had milled flour at one time . I never saw it in action . It was an abandoned place long before I was there . But we 'd play over there , too . We 'd play hide and seek in there . There were wonderful places to hide in there . It 's funny ; you 'd get into some of these and you 'd wonder if you 'd ever get out of them . Bert : Well , there were holes in the floor . I was walking along with one of my friends there and we were side by side ; and then he wasn 't with me anymore . He had stepped in one of those holes and crashed through to the floor below . I looked down through there and saw him picking himself up . I don 't know who it was . It seems to me , Max comes to mind , but I don 't know if it was Max . It was not Eugene . But we had a lot of fun playing over in the old abandoned mill . That 's long gone . In fact , I think now Eugene 's elevator is gone . Is it ? Bert : And then they had metal bands that went all the way around it , and each end screwed into a clamp there so you could tighten it up . If you got that thing made out of cinderblocks clear full of grain , the pressure from the weight of that grain would have pushed the walls out , so you 'd have gotten your grain all over the ground . So they had these metal bands that went about every foot or two , all the way from the ground clear up to the top , to keep that thing from exploding and throwing grain all over the world . Sometimes to prove our bravery - where the two ends of the steel band came together - we would get on that and climb clear to the top of the bin just on the outside of it . It 's funny one of us didn 't fall off that and get killed . Bert : I don 't know about his barn . His Grandpa Hartvigsen - his mother 's father 's family - lived there . They had a big , nice home . In fact some people thought that Eugene got his start in life because he married Dora Hartvigsen , whose father had all that money . Bert : Well , I 'm sure it is . He may have worked for his father - in - law for that farm that he got . But he got the farm from the father - in - law . Bert : No , I never played in his grandpa 's barn . The part of my life that I remember a lot with Eugene was when they had started in the morning , because Gene would show up at our house . He 'd get bored over there in that place . And so he spent a lot of those days just with us , not in rubber gunfights , but just coming over . He 'd practice the piano at our place . He 'd be sitting there playing the piano before he went back over the elevator to run the last load of grain to the top of the silo . Bert : No , he was taking piano lessons . I don 't know how long he took them , but he would play the piano . He got to be pretty good on the piano . I don 't know if he kept that ability up - did he ? Bert : Well , I think most of his Tarzan stuff was with Dee Christiansen , his friend who had lived there a lot before we moved to town . Eugene had friends , and Dee Christiansen was a kid our age in the same class . They lived very close to where the England home was , and so they spent a lot of time together . I told you that they formed a kind of secret society , just with the two of them , that they called the DD Daggers . I wish I had one of those ; they had their notebooks at school and everything would have this dagger drawn on it with a D on each side of the dagger . You had a handle of the dagger and the dagger coming down to a tip . And then below the handle of the dagger there would be those two Ds . They 'd take ink and put them on their arms , too . I didn 't try very hard to break into that tight relationship between Gene and Dee Christiansen , but gradually Gene and I became good friends too . I think Dee may have resented me for becoming part of it - I was never a member of the DD Daggers . But we were playing up there one time and they had a big garage behind their house where they would park the car . I don 't know why I was up on top of that garage ; we were doing something and Dee threw a knife at me . It went sailing right across the top of my head . It missed me by just a couple of inches . Bert : It wasn 't Eugene , no , because Eugene would invite me up to his place . And then he spent a lot of time down to our house during the harvest . There was a canal , behind their home . Have you ever seen water skippers ? Bert : Well , we would lie on the banks of that canal and catch those water skippers and pull their legs off - not a very humane thing to do if you feel sorry for water skippers . But then in the winter when it would freeze , we would skate along that canal . I didn 't spend too much time up there . I spent a fair amount . We 'd go hiking in the hills . Eugene 's mother , Dora , would make a sandwich for each of us , and we would take off for a hike someplace . Dora was very strict woman . She frightened me at first , but later I got to know that she had a lot softer heart than I thought originally . What did Eugene say about his mother ? Was she as severe as she seemed to me ? She always seemed severe to her husband , too , to me . Charlotte : Yes , I think she was . I think she had standards that she wanted her husband and son to have . That 's one reason that Gene 's dad finished school before she 'd marry him , finished high school . Bert : Grain prices weren 't very high during the Depression , but then the war started and grain prices shot up . I don 't know what they went up to , how much money or how much per bushel ; but a lot higher than they had been . A lot of farmers who had been struggling for survival started making quite a bit of money from their farms as they sold that grain during the war . I think it was from that , more than anything from his father - in - law , that gave him wealth that he hadn 't had before . So when they moved to Salt Lake , he had some money to work with . He used that - I 'm speculating here now , I don 't know for sure - but he got into real estate in Salt Lake and made good deals down there . I think he was an excellent businessman . I think he could drive a bargain in which he profited very well . Charlotte : He was good . When he realized that he had that talent to do that , he decided to make sure that most of that went to the Church . I think he had a good sense of doing for others , and I think part of that may have been because he was without when he was a kid . Bert : He would have been without . It was not one of the wealthy families that he came from . There was nobody very wealthy for those times , during the Depression years . We were lucky . My father was section foreman and he had a job all through the Depression ; but a lot of people didn 't . Bert : It could have . I didn 't know her mother . But she was very concerned that Gene always looked proper . As long as I remember , Dora , into Eugene 's adulthood , was after him to cut his hair . In fact , about the last time I ever saw Dora and Eugene together before she died , she was saying , " Get that hair cut ! " Charlotte : I just have to laugh about this , because that was one of the things that she just kept telling me : " Keep his hair off of his forehead , " and " Keep his jacket straight . " Oh , dear . Did you work with Gene on his farm ? Bert : Well , I worked one summer , after Eugene got old enough to drive the truck himself . That ended our rubber gun fighting at that time . He was the one , then , that drove up to the farm , loaded up the truck , and then brought it back and dumped it . I took over the job that Eugene had had , running the elevator . But I had a hard time , because especially if it was hot and I got sweaty , that wheat dust caused a terrible rash on my chest . I do remember that I read Gone with the Wind all the way through while I was working for them . Bert : As those silos would fill , grain would fill at an angle . Here 's your spout , grain come in here , and then it would fill clear up . You had to be careful , because if there wasn 't room for the grain to go out of the spout , then it would go back up into the spout and it would plug everything up . Then you had quite a job shoveling it out . So as the grain got higher and higher up in the silo , then you 'd have to gut it up . There was always an opening at the top of the silo . You 'd go up there with a shovel and get inside with the shovel , and as the grain came through you shoveled it back , out of the route of the spout . That was not much fun . That was hard and hot , and that 's when my chest would just turn a blazing red - not as much from the grain , though , as it did from the wheat dust that was down in there . I was afraid that place would blow up , because sometimes that wheat dust can get explosive . Bert : Well , we did a lot of different things . One time , Eugene and I went up with our sleeping bags up to the farm . There had been an old house up there at that farm at one time , but we slept out . We had a fire there , and Eugene got too close to the fire and set his pant legs on fire . Fortunately there was this little stream that ran down through there , and he jumped in the stream and put out this fire in his pants . Before we got really to sleep we heard this roar behind us . It scared us both to death . It was his dad who 'd come up there , sneaking up . I suppose he came up to see how we were doing , but he thought he might as well scare us to death in the process . So that was a fun night . I always thought Eugene was one of the most naïve people I 've ever known , in some ways . But Eugene was smart , always got good grades , except in comportment , they called it . How you behaved in school . I think that 's what they called it , comportment . One time , report cards came out - we were in the sixth grade at that time - and Eugene got straight A 's in every subject except behavior , comportment . He got a D in that one . That did not make Dora happy . Bert : He was just a smart - alecky kid at times . He would say things and do things , just like typical sixth graders do when they misbehave . But , at that same time , I got all A 's , too , and I got a C in comportment . I wasn 't as bad as Eugene was . I told you also that when we were in the 4th grade with Miss Solvison [ sp ? ] our teacher , anytime somebody misbehaved she would have them copy out a page from the history book . All of us sooner or later compiled quite a number of pages we had to copy . So Eugene and I each memorized the shortest page in the book . When we had spare time we wrote out a number of pages , so that when we misbehaved and got assigned so many pages we had them there , ready to hand in . Bert : My mother taught the Sunday School class that he was in , and he was always a lively young man . She would try to ask him a hard question that he wouldn 't know the answer to , and she said she never succeeded . He knew the answer to every question that she asked . Bert : I suppose at home . I don 't know what their regimen was at home , as far as reading and studying the scriptures . Eugene at a very early age knew them . Nobody else in the class ever would , but Eugene did . He was just smart , as he was all of his life . He probably got bored in school and got bored in his Sunday School class . Bert : Yes . Without a challenge to keep him going , then he would misbehave . My mom would ask him one of these questions and he would know the answer . His misbehavior was never bad . I don 't know if I should even tell you this story or not . Our sixth grade teacher was a beautiful young woman , and all the boys , I think , were in love with her . They 'd stay around after the day was over and clean the boards , and so forth . I think one of the reasons he got a D in that class was that he was doing things to get the teacher to notice him . I never heard Eugene use vile language . One of the things you started to do as you moved into adolescence , to prove that you were a tough man now , your language changed , there would be a lot of vulgar expressions ; but I never heard any of this from Eugene . He didn 't follow the pattern of the youths in a rural community ; and they could be pretty raw , those youths could . But one time in the sixth grade we were there after school , a bunch of us - I still don 't know if I should tell you this or not . I doubt if you could use it . But somebody did something , and Eugene wanted to reprimand him , and so he said , " Oh , you cocksucker , you ! " Bert : Yes , and he had no idea what it meant . Everybody else there did . We all sort of looked in different directions , and the teacher looked out the window . Eugene had no idea what he had said ! Bert : One time he invited me to his birthday party . I remember how you never knew when these people were going to show up at your house that he 'd invited for dinner , and you didn 't know they were coming . That pattern continued , didn 't it ? Bert : Just down at the swimming pool . It was three miles down the road from our house , up in Downey . It was a very popular recreational area where people came from all over to go swimming . So I told my parents , and then Mom talked to Dora about this , and then they discovered that there wasn 't any birthday party ; it was just the family that was going down there . Dora was embarrassed , and my mother was embarrassed , and everybody was embarrassed but Eugene . So , he wasn 't always aware of some of the things that most people were aware of . Bert : I think that carried somewhat into his adult life . Like the time when you invited George Lee up to your cabin , that was naïve , I think , to do that . I asked him , " Why in the world did you do that ? " The man had just been excommunicated , and he heard about it in General Conference . He said , " Well I just thought that we ought to hear his side of the story . " Bert : He was always anxious , all of his life , to hear everybody 's side of the story . On issues of some sensitivity or controversy , he wanted a discussion of them . That 's why he took as his motto " reconciling opposites . " I don 't know if he was doing that so much when we were young , but he continued to do that . But as I say about the naiveté , he would do things like having George Lee up there for that , unaware of what the consequences of that could be . That 's why I said to him , " You could have gotten us all in a lot of trouble . " And he just said , " Well , I just wanted to have a good discussion . " I said , " You certainly would have had one if the school authorities and the Brethren had found out about that . " He was not a controversial figure at all when he was young . I learned more about this part of him later on , but he was a good kid . He didn 't do things that were wrong , unless he did them unaware , like swearing there in that class and embarrassing everybody in the class . One day I was with him and his dad somewhere with their truck . His dad had just bought a very nice new . 22 rifle . Eugene had it , and instead of just leaning it against the truck , he put that rifle down between the bumper of the truck and the rest of it - remember the trucks at that time had bumpers out there that were separate from the truck . Most people would have just set that rifle against the bumper . He put it between the bumper and the body of the truck . His dad didn 't know he had done that , and his dad got in to back up the truck , and split that . 22 rifle right in two . His dad was not happy about that . Bert : I don 't know . He wouldn 't have had much money to do it . He was still young at that time . Most of us would have known that you wouldn 't put a rifle there . You 'd find another way to lean it against the truck . Charlotte : He probably didn 't want it to fall over . Thought he was doing the right thing . That 's probably typical , doing the right thing and then ending up being wrong . Bert : We spent a lot of time together while I was working at the elevator and during the summers when he would come back . We would share books , trade books . I think it is interesting that for Christmas he gave me a book , I guess it was in 1948 . So we started talking about things . We started talking about books and issues of the day , much more than other kids did , I think . And I think that was one of the things that brought us together . We were both interested in similar things . We didn 't read , necessarily , the world 's greatest literature . This book is all right , but it 's not a very sophisticated piece of literature . But we talked and we shared . We traded comic books , too . We both read comic books . Everybody did . Bert : Well we did , but not together . I think he listened , and I listened at home . I would come home from school in time to hear Jack Armstrong , the All American Boy . Then there were other programs that would scare you half to death , The Shadow and all those things . But I don 't know how much Eugene listened to those , because my listening was at home , away from other people . We didn 't have television to worry about . Bert : We slept out several times . He sometimes slept out at our house . We 'd just throw sleeping bags out on the ground and just looked up at the star - filled Idaho skies . You can 't get that kind of view here because of the glow from the town and from the cities . You 'd have to go up into the mountains to see . That 's why I like going up to our cabin , because you get such a wonderful view . I was driving home from the cabin one time . I 'd been up there working by myself and it was dark when I left . I kept getting out of the truck , stopping the truck and getting out and just looking because it was such a dazzling display of the heavens that night . But we had that every night when we were living in Downey . I suppose the glow from your own house may have cut that down some , but we slept out on our lawn after everybody had gone to bed , and there were very few streetlights . We could see the stars . We would talk , and I can 't remember all of the things we talked about . I do know that he assured me that his parents had had sex only twice , when they conceived him first and then Ann . Charlotte : There was something about you guys ; you were out under the stars and there was something about the universe that was so overpowering . I 'm mixing the story up a little bit . But do you remember anything about ? Bert : We may have gotten into that kind of something , because when we were out under the stars , you 'd get a glimpse of the universe in a way you don 't here in Provo . You see the Milky Way if it 's a clear night and there 's no moon . We might have talked about the great expanses of the universe , because we did talk about those things , but I can 't remember any specific time when we did it . I think sleeping out together on the grass by our house looking up there , and then at his farm sleeping out all night we would have seen things . Sometimes you 'd be sleeping there , and there would be a shooting star go across . And we would have seen things that kids living in the cities don 't see . Charlotte : He refers to it a couple of times in our journal in Samoa , so I had wondered . That 's how it was there , too . We were on a top of the mountain , no lights at all . You 'd look out almost level to the moon . Bert : We had the mountains cutting off part of our view . I 'm sure that impressed him , as it did me . I refer to it every now and then . And he referred to it in his - did he keep a diary there ? Charlotte : Yes , he kept it . We had a journal . We bought one journal between us , trying to save money . He 'd write on one side and I 'd write on the other side . His are much more intricate than mine . There 's one story he tells about he went up to his first loves - Bert : I don 't think I knew very much about it at the time . I knew Margene Ware . Every time I look at my hand I remember Margene Ware . Bert : She wasn 't mad . I don 't know what she was doing or how it happened . We were just playing around , and there it went . But I know that he was infatuated with Margene Ware . Bert : Well , just the kind of things that everybody did at that day when we were in the first years of elementary school . All the way up to the sixth grade , almost , we would play marbles at recess . You could hear each other walking around the classroom , hear the marbles dangling in everyone 's pockets . At every recess you got out there playing marbles . We played two kinds . We called them ringers and ligers . The ligers you would shoot at the marbles against the wall , trying to lay them close enough to your opponent 's marble that you could span it with your hand . If you could do that , then you got the marble . Then the other was to draw this ring and put marbles in the middle of it , and start shooting your marble at the others ' . You could have quite a few people playing that . Any marble you shot out you got to keep . They had marbles that made good shooting . They had red steelies , which were little ball bearings . You know , our lives in Downey were typical lives of rural communities all over the area . We weren 't so much different than any other place , I think . Eugene 's dad was in the bishopric . I don 't know if he was in the bishopric the whole time we were there . And then the bishop was Jones . Bert : Norman was his son and he was a dentist . He 'd get these Novocain tubes . They were just little glass tubes they threw out behind his house . We went out and we would get those tubes . There was a rubber stopper at each end of the tube . We got a stick and pushed the one stopper in as far as it would go , until the pressure built up enough that the other one popped out the other side and went flying across the room . And then some people put a pin in it , and that was not very safe . That would fly across the room and stick in somebody . I don 't know if Eugene did that or not . I can 't imagine that he was different from the rest of us in that . He played all the games that we played . He did the things that we 'd do in a typical small town . Bert : I don 't know . I think my mother wanted me to be an engineer , because in her mind engineers made a lot of money and they had much more security . Living through the Depression as she did , she was so fearful of debt , of running out of money , or losing a job , because of her family . There was an agricultural depression before the regular Depression hit . So during the ' 20s farmers were destitute , a lot of them . Her father lost his farm . They had been homesteaders in Idaho and they just couldn 't make it . He had to borrow money to get machinery to run the farm , and he just couldn 't keep up the payments . At one time they tried to get ahead . They bought some Holstein cows and they wanted to sell the milk . And they did , but they didn 't ever make enough money to pay off that loan to buy those cows , and so the bank came and repossessed the cows . Mom tells how they stood on the porch watching those cows go down the road . They were about the only way they had to make any money , was through those cows . We didn 't have all of the kinds of things that kids had later on . We made our own toys . Bert : It makes me sort of disgusted at the kids today who always have got to be entertained . We built , out by the side of our house , corrals . We 'd get two sticks and stick them in the ground ; two more over here , and then get a longer stick and put it between . Make a rail fence . We built big corrals out there . Our cattle were rocks . We had a lot of fun playing . Now , you 've got to go to the store and buy one of these farms for your children . I don 't think they have any more fun than we had with our rocks and our stick corrals . |
I 've been in a few car accidents in my day . I 'm embarrassed to say that two of my accidents occured at red lights . . . . . after I 'd already been stopped . Oops ! My most infamous accident occured two days before I was supposed to drive my car from Virginia to Oregon . I was probably going a tiny bit fast on the highway when it was raining ( I 'm from Oregon . . . come on , I 've got this rain thing down ) and hydroplaned and my car started spinning out of control . I channeled my inner Carrie Underwood , let go of the wheel and started singing at the top of my lungs , " Jesus take the wheeeeeeel . . . . . " Not really . Really I gripped as tight as I could and just yelled " Please , Please , Please , Please , Please . . . . . " until I came to a stop in the grassy median . But I always wished that I 'd done the first thing . Would have been a cooler story . I 'll put your mind at ease right now ( Mom ) and tell you that I was not in an accident . But I was in a meeting the other day with a man who was , and I wanted to tell you his story because it made me pause and have one of those " I 'm not in Kansas anymore " moments . To preface , this guy is one of those super sweet guys that is easy to like . He 's an older guy and very mild mannered , polite , funny . . . . . just one of those guys you like right away . Last month he was scheduled to go to Nigeria for a conference . The day he was supposed to leave he left the house in a car to go get some cash for his trip . He was driving along a really bad road and hit a " high center " ( not sure what that is . . . something in the middle of the road ) . The jolt made his foot mash down on the accelerator . He saw that he was heading towards two men who were standing on the side of the road . He swerved to miss them but unfortunately as he swerved , the men looked up and saw he was headed towards them . . . . and jumped right in front of the car . He hit both of them . He immediately got out of the car and noticed that at least one of them was not moving . At that moment a man came up to him and asked him if he was the driver . When my friend said that he was , the man said " Don 't say that again and come with me . " My friend said that he couldn 't go because he needed to help these people he 'd just hit . The man was insistant and started to physically move him to the side of the road to a motorbike . My friend started fighting harder , asking where he was taking him . " To the police station " the man said . And off they went . When he arrived at the police station , he told the first officer he saw that he had been in an accident . The officer immediately asked where the vehicle was . When my friend told him it was at the scene , the officer asked where the keys were . My friend held up the keys and the officer took the keys and left the room . They went through the motions of filling out the report , etc . They put my friend in a cell in the jail . Later the police officer that had taken his keys came back . As he gave my friend his keys , he told him how lucky he was that someone there had taken him from the scene . " By the time I arrived there to take your car , a mob had already formed and started to take your car apart . If you had stayed there , they would have killed you . " Wow . Apparently a couple weeks ago there was an accident in an area that I travel through frequently . The car was driven by a Sierra Leonean guy and there were two white guys in the back . The driver accidentally hit two kids . As soon as he saw what he did he stopped the car , jumped out and took off . The white guys didn 't know what to do so they stayed there . . . . and a mob formed . They took the two guys into the bush , beat the crap out of them and torched the car . Yikes . Back to the story about my friend . Unfortunately one of the men died a few hours after reaching the hospital . He is devestated . : ( We are grateful though , that the deceased man 's family did not want to press any charges so my friend was released from jail . After he finished sharing this story wth us , someone asked how he was doing . " Well , " he said , " Physically I am doing fine . Emotionally though , it has been very rough . I think though other traumas I 've had in my life , have helped because I have some coping skills that are helping me . I think it would have been worse if I have not already been through some of the things I 've been through . " Oh Sierra Leone . For many years I have talked about the legion of angels that God has around my car , protecting me from the stupid things I tend to do . After hearing this story , I think I need an upgrade . What 's bigger than a legion ? My roommate Meredith is getting ready to leave . : ) Tear ! We 're trying to squeeze in some things before she leaves so when she said , " Hey Emily , there 's a really big hill in a town about 3 hours away that people like to climb . Want to go climb it ? " I said yes and off we went . . . . . to climb a big hill . Some of you know that my car ( Boris ) has been having some trouble lately . I felt confident though , that he was going to behave himself on this trip . He tried really hard ! However , about 11 miles from our destination he decided he needed a break and stopped running again . Darnit ! I got out to see if there was anything obvious that I could fix . Nada . I was afraid it was my fuel pump again . Fortunately , a guy stopped by who was headed the other direction . After asking if there was fuel and oil ( why do people never believe me when I say YES ! ) he told me that he was headed up but would be back down in a few hours and if we were still stranded would tow me into the big city we were attempting to get to . Awesome . I wasn 't as worried about this breakdown because I was only a couple hours away from my home , so knew that people would know people who could help me . I started calling some of my friends and they started working to see if they could get a mechanic out there . I didn 't have good cell service where I was so kept walking back up this hill ( not THE hill we were going to climb the next day ) to get service . As I was talking to one of my friends , all of the sudden I realized that I didn 't have very much credit left on my phone . Shoot ! ! I really needed credit to try and call people to get things arranged . After an hour or so , it looked like things were going to be more complicated than we thought . My friends who knew people in the " big city " couldn 't find any mechanic who was willing to come out and try to fix my car . Well now what should we do ? ? ? ? ? Well , I needed credit for my phone so headed off to the middle of the village to see if I could find any . I found a place to buy some credit and while we were there a crowd gathered to find out what was wrong . They went to get a mechanic . I was skeptical . In fact , the guy who stopped to help us at the beginning warned us that there wasn 't a mechanic in this village , even though they might say there was . They would know how to fix motorcycles but wouldn 't know about cars . So when a guy ( Moses ) came to look at my car , I was skeptical . I had it in my mind that I probably needed a new fuel pump and knew I wasn 't going to find any in this village . As he started to look at my car I was pretty blunt and told him that I was not trying to insult him , but if he didn 't know what he was doing , please don 't touch anything . Sometimes it seems like everytime someone touches Boris , something else happens . He did some puttering , tested my fuel pump and it was ok . Yippee ! ! He got under the car and looked at some other stuff , asked for some binding wire and packing tape ( yup , packing tape ) and a few minutes later Boris was purring like a kitten ! Thanks Moses ! God used you to get me out of this wilderness ! ! ! Moses fixing our breakdown 2 . The first guy came by and offered to tow us to town . The whole time we knew this was an option so weren 't frantic about trying to get us with all of our stuff on motorcycles to sleep there for the night . . . . . Jesus is awesome . 3 . I had no credit . If I had had plenty of credit , I wouldn 't have gone into the middle of the village to find credit and would not have met Moses , our deliverer . . . . Jesus is awesome . 4 . Moses was actually a mechanic in Freetown and was just in the village visiting his father . Hence the reason he knew about cars , not just motorbikes . . . . Jesus is awesome . We rolled into town at about 7 : 30pm and the hotel we were planning on staying in was booked . So was the next hotel we checked . Third time was the charm and we set off to find some food . The next day was our climbing day . I pretty much decided to do it so I could try out my hiking boots that I had brought with me a year earlier . Good reason right ? The hill is a pretty prominent hill but when we asked people how to get to it , nobody could really tell us . So we just started driving towards it and started asking people . When we got to a village close to the base , a man said , " Here . These two boys will go and show you the way . " Ok . . . . . When we got to the base I didn 't see any kind of path . I asked the boys if they had ever climbed this hill before and they didn 't really answer . I pressed them and finally they said that they had , but it had been a long time . As we started up the hill I kept asking about the path . They kept promising it was close . They lied . We never found a path and ended up hiking through tall grass ( snakes ! ! ! ! ! ) and literally crawling up some rock faces . I was very thankful for my hiking boots with their excellent grips . Of course the boys just shimmied up the hill , rockfaces included , like it was nothing ! I would say it 's a fair statement that most of the time we were pretty scared . We were three girls and we 've all spent some time in the hospital and therefore know the very real danger of snake bites . Also , the hill was really steep and although we were managing to go up fine , we were worried about how we would get down . We kept stopping to ask about the path ( it wasn 't until the top that he finally admitted that he knew of no path ) and wondering if we should stop . But we had come so far ! ! And had had such a rough time getting here that it would be a real shame to give up when we were so close ! So we pressed on . One of the boys ( the leader ) kept grumbling that we needed to hurry and if we were men we would just go , we wouldn 't be afraid . Finally I asked him if we were men when we were at the bottom and had changed into women on the way up . No ? Then you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to take it so knock it off ! ! We wouldn 't be in this situation if there was a path like you had promised ! Thank God we reached the top and then back down without incident ! ! We were tempted to explore the top of the hill but there was lots of tall grass and we didn 't want to press our luck . Well , it wasn 't the experience we 'd been expecting , but if anyone ever sees that hill and says " hey , that would be cool to climb that hill " I 'll say . . . . yeah , I did that . So . . . that 's something . Posted by There are lots of things about working at this hospital that make me feel like I 'm stepping back in time . The female nurses still wear dresses and the students ' uniforms come complete with aprons and caps . I think some of the machines we use have been here since the hospital was built in the 1960 's . Some of the things we do / use we do because our resources are tight and it just makes sense . When I worked in America the hospitals I worked at generally had shelves and shelves allotted for dressing materials . Many of the nurses will recognize the terms " Kerlix " " Ace wrap " " 2x2 's , 4x4 's " , etc . When I arrived here I used a rolled bandage for the first time in my life . I 'd read about them before in novels set . . . . well , a while ago . But until I went to do my first dressing change , had never used any . They are awesome ! ! ! These lovely ladies whom I have never even met spent I don 't know how many hours rolling bandages for our hospital . The final count was 642 . Thanks ladies ! ! ! It 's such an encouragement to have the extra supplies , but also to know that people thousands of miles away In a country where money for antibiotics is scarce and there are lots of things to cause infection . . . . . this will be put to great use ! ! Thank you so so much ! ! ! Yesterday I had an experience that I think will be hard to top in the " is this really my life ? ? ? " category . I was in the OB ward . It was 2 : 30pm and I was in the middle of passing out the 3pm meds , while anxiously awaiting the next nurse to come and relieve me . I had two meetings that evening and wanted to do a little baking for one of them . Banana bread … . yum . I could taste it already . A few minutes later the ambulance man came and told me that we had a call . He looked around , saw that I was by myself and told me to go find someone else who could go with him ( the ward was really full and he saw that I was busy ) . I asked him how far away the call was and he told me it was " far small . " Translation : bring your water bottle and Dramamine … it 's going to be a long bumpy ride . I glanced down the hall but knew that everyone else was getting ready to go home too , so I couldn 't ask someone else to go on this long trip . I called my friend , and asked him to finish handing out the meds and keep an eye on the ward until my replacement came at 3 . Fortunately I 'd stocked the ambulance emergency box earlier that morning ( learned my lesson by not having my BP cuff on me the time before ) and off we went . As I hopped into the ambulance the thought crossed my mind that I should grab an OB pack ( the packs we use that have clamps , drapes , etc … everything you need for birthing a baby ) . If this place was as far as everyone said , who knew what could happen . I ran in to get it and then the ambulance driver and I set off , sirens a blaring . I asked him how far he thought it was . Two hours ? He thought about it and said … maybe . We drove for about 20 minutes when he pulled over to ask for directions . Way to go Man Driver ! ! Asking for directions ! J He asked where Mabumpu was and the people directed him where to go . Awesome ! It didn 't sound too far . We drove for another 20 minutes or so and arrived at Mabumpu . When we pulled up and asked if this was the village the people said that yes it was the village , but they don 't haveAnother 10 minutes later we heard that the woman had given birth . Alright ! I thought . We can just head home and I 'll make my meeting ! Well , then we heard that she 'd given birth , but there was a problem . Ok well , let 's go see her and we can take her to the hospital if she needs it . One man told us he would take us to her . We hopped into the ambulance and started driving . We turned down an even narrower road that clearly had not had a vehicle on it for a long time . It started to rain . We drove for a bit and came to a junction with a man waving his hand . The vehicle could go no further so we headed there on foot now . Ok , I thought . It must be at the woman 's house . I grabbed all my supplies and we headed up a hill . By this time the rain was really coming down and it took about 2 minutes for me to be completely soaked . The guy who was guiding me walked a lot faster than me so I kept running to keep up . As we came up over the hill I saw a group of women in a circle . In the middle of a field ! All of the sudden it hit me . This woman hadn 't given birth in a house . She had literally given birth in the middle of the road while walking to try and meet us . Oh . My . Gosh ! I ran up to the group of women . They were encircling the woman and were holding lapas ( pieces of fabric ) over the woman to try and keep off the rain . Every once in a while it would get too heavy and a big stream of water would dump down around the woman . As I knelt down beside the woman , I quickly tried to figure out what I had here . They lifted a lapa from the woman 's belly and I saw the baby lying there . She was alive . I asked if the placenta had been delivered yet , and they said no . I followed the baby 's umbilical cord and sure enough , the placenta was still inside the woman . One of the helpers was trying to clamp the cord with her two fingers . Thank . You . Jesus . I had grabbed that OB pack . The first thing I did was clamp the cord and cut it . As I did this , the placenta kind of just shot out of the woman . Everyone cheered . I gave one of the woAs I was packing up my things to leave I chatted a little with the girl and told her this was the first time I 'd EVER seen this happen and she really did good today ! ! Giving birth in the middle of the road in the pouring rain ? ? Yup , she 's tough . And is this really my life ? ! ? ! ? : ) Two nights ago I was in the OB ward . There were only two of us in town so I was working a double . It had been a relatively quiet day ( a blessed relief after the busyness of three C - sections in a row the day before ) . It was 3 : 15 , the end of the day shift and the evening people were starting to come . Just as I sat down to do a little reading , the ambulance driver came to get me to go get a patient . I asked one of the other nurses watch over the OB patients for me while I was gone , and off we went . We drove for about 20 - 30 minutes and pulled up to a house . I walked into the house and saw a woman lying on the floor . I asked what the problem was and they told me that she had been " fitting " ( means seizing ) . Her tongue was huge because when she seized she 'd been biting her tongue . Her family told me that she had just started seizing this afternoon … . but that tongue made me skeptical . It looked like it had been going on for longer than that ! Dangit . I didn 't have my blood pressure cuff with me . I was almost positive that I was dealing with ecclampsia ( which is when pregnant ladies get really high blood pressure and start doing things like seizing ) but was reluctant to give her the medications from the protocol because I wasn 't 100 % sure . Instead I decided to get her in the ambulance quick and pray she didn 't start seizing again on the way . It was a long 30 minutes . We got her to the hospital without seizing ( thanks Jesus ! ) and I got a set of vital signs . BP 230 / 120 . HIGH ! I ran to get the stuff to start an IV and give her the medicines when her family started yelling . She was seizing again . I grabbed her arm that was flailing out and as I started the IV , blood started going everywhere . I thought I was in an artery when I realized that the tourniquet was still on . I took it off but she still continued to bleed a lot because her pressure was so high . As I fought to get the IV secured and give the medicine , she jerked her head and started gasping for air . Her giant tongue was occluding her airway and she was haI have him some antibiotics , left him on the oxygen and continued to monitor him the rest of the evening . He stayed about the same . The next morning when I walked into the ward I dreaded what I would see . But there he was . The night nurse said he seemed to be doing a little better . Mom was doing lots better . Her tongue was still huge so I was concerned about letting her drink anything , but by the afternoon she was drinking little bits of water . I tried to get the baby to suck , but he would have none of it . He would suck my finger really hard but when we gave him the breast he just wouldn 't latch . We tried giving him formula from a spoon for a while but by the afternoon I was getting nervous he would it would go into his lungs and he didn 't ' need any more complications . I scrounged around and found one lone bottle and tried that . It was painstakingly slow , but gradually he got some milk down . But as the evening progressed ( I was working a double again ) I noticed some things . He was very irritable . I 'd thought he was crying because he was hungry but he kept crying even after he had enough milk . His newborn reflexes weren 't great . They were hit or miss , sometimes he 'd have them , sometimes he wouldn 't . He never slept . I read recently that newborns sleep something like 20 hours a day and so far I 'd never seen this baby sleep . I 'd also noticed in the last few hours that he was grunting in his breathing . As I left that evening I didn 't have a good feeling about my little friend . This morning I walked into the ward . The baby was dead . He 'd died early that morning . I cried I wish it would have turned out differently . I 'd wanted all of the hard work that so many had put into trying to save that baby to make a difference . This woman had had two other children who both died after they were walking . This was her third dead child . But this isn 't the movies or one of my one of my cheesy Christian novels where everything works out how I want in the end . It 's real life and real life is hard . So what else can I do but turn once again to my beloved God and say thank You . Thank You for helping us save the mother . Thank You for the few hours this child had on earth , and through our tears , we say thank You for taking him . You can see what we can 't . So thank You . Posted by The wedding on Saturday was the church wedding . This wedding costs a lot of money , so most people here won 't have it . Or sometimes they 'll have the traditional ceremony and then save up for a few years to have the big wedding . In this case , the wedding had been put off several times because they had to save some more money . We were told the wedding was supposed to start at one . You can understand our skepticism based on last night 's timeline , but when the pastor told me that it was really supposed to start at 12 but they told me 1pm because it was going to be on " black man 's time " we got there right at one . They had already started and the church was packed with people singing and dancing . The bride and groom were dressed in their wedding attire and stood at the front of the church . They each had two attendants and the women both had big , white , lacy fans that they used to continually fan the bride . It was hot ! We were standing in the back just watching when the pastor came and got us to come to the front . Of course . I can never just sneak in anywhere in this country ! I was actually glad for it this time because we got to be up front where the action was . The ceremony was actually pretty similar to the ones that I 've seen at home ( of course all with an African flair ) . There was a worship time , exchanging of the vows and rings , special music , the first kiss , and a few words from the pastor about marriage . Here are a few ways it was different than the weddings I 've been to in the States . 1 . It was hot . So many people , so much dancing and so little air . I can safely say that I have never sweated that much at a wedding at home . 2 . The first kiss . There was SO much buildup ! The pastor spent about a minute just talking about it , making it a big deal . He kept talking about how this had better be a really good kiss and the groom better not mess it up , etc . Then as the groom started to lift the veil he would say " stop " " Ok go " " stop " over and over again . Finally the veil was off and the groom pretty much attacked her ! ( Can 't say I blame him since there was so much pressure ! ) Anyway , it was hilarious . 3 . I wish you could have been with me because I really can 't describe it well enough … . you just have to experience it . During the vows , the pastor said " Ok , this is a very serious time . " He then went on to say the " Do you take this woman " bit . At the end when the groom said " I do " EVERYONE started shouting and cheering . My favorite part was the synthesizer that started blasting music . It reminded me of being at a baseball game . Du du du du du du … . . CHARGE ! ! After about a minute , the pastor again said , " Ok , everyone quiet , this is a serious time . " And the same thing happened again with the bride saying " I do " and everyone shouting and clapping , synthesizer blaring . Repeat again for both sets of vows and it was " serious time " " party time " " serious time " " party time . " Loved it . After the ceremony it was time for the reception . But first we drove around town with the wedding party , honking our horns and yelling " the wedding is here ! ! ! ! ! " We did a few loops around town and then stopped in the center for some picture taking . It is pretty much impossible to get a picture with just the bride and / or groom because someone always wants to jump in the picture . I was not successful . No idea who the guy on the right is . He just jumped in at the last second . Also , I realized I wore white to a wedding . Not cool Emily , not cool . We headed back to the hall for the reception and once again Meredith and I tried to hang out in the back but weren 't allowed . We were taken up on stage with the wedding party and pastors . Oh dear . While we ate , we listened to various people give toasts . My favorite part of the toasts was when someone started talking too long one of the pastors would give them a " red or yellow card " which meant it was time for them to sit down and shut up . One guy had to be given a couple before he stopped . J We were done with our party by about 6 : 30pm and were ready to head out . I said goodbye and headed back to the city ( with a few extra passengers bumming rides ) . Incidentally I met the first Sierra Leonean " Emily " here ! We were about halfway to the hotel when I noticed that my car seemed to be pulling to the right . Hard ! Then it would stop . Then it would do that again . It also started making a weird noise that sounded like it was coming from the front wheel . Boris , you 're killing me ! ! ! I drove " small small " all the way back and thankfully made it . Now my question was , do I try to travel tomorrow ? ? ? ? It takes about 8 hours to get home and all but about 20 minutes of it is on really rough road . After some consultation from my friend / advisor in all things mechanical , we decided that it sounded like a breakdown waiting to happen . I decided to give Johnny a call . Since the last time he 'd fixed my car it worked and when I used the mechanic in the city , it broke again , I decided to go with Johnny . I agreed to pay his transport if he could come and look at my car early the next morning . He came at about 8am the next morning and started looking at things . He was pretty horrified at the condition of my car . Whatever . This is Sierra Leone ! He did show me what my problem was , as well as a brake problem that I was having . We discussed what he would do and I asked what time he 'd be finished . Meredith and I had decided that if he could finish by 12 we would still try to travel that day . He said he could be done by 1pm . Shoot , that 's pretty close . I told him what I was thinking and he said , " no … . stay the day . Maybe I will not be done until 2 or 3pm . " Thanks Johnny . I 'm tying to make decisions based on the information you 're giving me ! ! J We decided to stay the extra day . I gave Johnny half the money we 'd agreed upon and the keys to my car . The text that I sent to my friend read : " I just gave my car keys and a lot of money to a guy I met on the side of the road . Bad decision ? " Oh Salone . Now what to The next morning we hit the road by 8am . At one point we stopped halfway through to pick up some groceries and my car wouldn 't start when I tried it . I tried it again . Nothing . We decided to wait a few minutes , tried it again and it started . Not sure what was wrong , but praise God we made it home ! ! What an adventure ! J I was ready to close when I came upon this today in a book I 'm reading . Adroniram Judson was the first missionary from America and was sent to Burma . The day he committed himself to go he met Ann Hasseltine , whom he immediately fell in love with . Continuing our theme of marriage , here is the letter he wrote to her father asking for her hand as a partner in marriage and missions : " I have not to ask , whether you can consent to part with your daughter early next spring , to see her no more in this world ; whether you can consent to her departure , and her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of missionary life ; whether you can consent to her exposure to the dangers of the ocean , to the fatal influence of the southern climate of India ; to every kind of want and distress ; to degradation , insult , persecution , and perhaps a violent death . Can you consent to all this , for the sake of him who left his heavenly home , and died for her and for you ; for the sake of perishing , immortal souls ; for the sake of Zion , and the glory of God ? Can you consent to all this , in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory , with the crown of righteousness , brightened with the acclamations of praise which shall redound to her Savior from heathens saved , through her means , from eternal woe and despair ? " Her father let her decide . She said yes . Thanking God so much for telephones , Gmail , Facebook and blogging . They really sacrificed a lot back then ! |
" And the second plague that is in thy dominion , behold it is a dragon . And another dragon of a foreign race is fighting with it , and striving to overcome it . And therefore does your dragon make a fearful outcry . " - < i > Cyfranc Lludd a Llefelys < / i > , translated by Lady Charlotte Guest When he was young , other children talked of their dreams , of candy - floss mountains and puppies that talked and long - lost relatives bearing new bicycles and purses filled with crisp dollar bills . He did not have those dreams . His nights were filled with golden castles and endless meadows and the screams of dragons . The castles and the meadows came unbidden , beginning when he was too young to know what a castle or a meadow was , but in his dreams he 'd race through them , endlessly playing , endlessly laughing . And then he 'd wake to his cold , dark room , stinking of piss and sour milk , and he 'd roar with rage and frustration . Even when he stopped , the cries were replaced by sulking , aggrieved silence . Never laughter . He only laughed in his dreams . Only played in his dreams . Only was happy in his dreams . He presumed he 'd first heard the story of the dragons in Cainsville . Visits to family there were the high points of his young life . While Cainsville had no golden castles or endless meadows , the fields and the forests , the spires and the gargoyles reminded him of his dreams , and calmed him and made him , if not happy , at least content . They treated him differently in Cainsville , too . He was special there . A pampered little prince , his mother would say , shaking her head . The local elders paid attention to him , listened to him , sought him out . Better still , they did not do the same to his sister , Natalie . The Gnat , he called her - constantly buzzing about , useless and pestering . At home , < i > she < / i > was the pampered one . His parents never seemed to know what to make of him , his discontent and his silences , and so they showered his bouncing , giggling little sister with double the love , double the attention . In Cainsville the old people told him stories . Of King Arthur 's court , they said , but when he looked up their tales later , they were not quite the same . Theirs were stories of knights and magic , but lions too and giants and faeries and , sometimes , dragons . That was why he was certain they 'd told him this particular tale , even if he could not remember the exact circumstances . It was about another king , beset by three plagues . One was a race of people who could hear everything he said . The third was disappearing foodstuffs and impending starvation . The second was a terrible scream that turned out to be two dragons , fighting . And that was when he began to dream of the screams of dragons . He did not actually < i > hear < / i > the screams . He could not imagine such a thing , because he had no idea what a dragon 's scream would sound like . He asked his parents and his grandmother and even his Sunday school teacher , but they didn 't seem to understand the question . Even at night , his sleep was often filled with nothing but his small self , racing here and there , searching for the screams of dragons . He would ask and he would ask , but no one could ever tell him . When he was almost eight , his grandmother noticed his sleepless nights . When she asked what was wrong , he knew better than to talk about the dragons , but he began to think maybe he should tell her of the other dreams , the ones of golden palaces and endless meadows . One night , when his parents were out , he waited until the Gnat fell asleep . Then he padded into the living room , the feet on his sleeper whispering against the floor . His grandmother didn 't notice at first - she was too busy watching " The Dick Van Dyke Show . " He couldn 't understand the fascination with television . The moving pictures were dull gray , the laughter harsh and fake . He supposed they were for those who didn 't dream of gold and green , of sunlight and music . He walked up beside her . He did not sneak or creep , but she was so absorbed in her show that when he appeared at her shoulder , she shrieked and in her face , he saw something he 'd never seen before . Fear . It fascinated him , and he stared at it , even as she relaxed and said , " Bobby ? You gave me quite a start . What 's wrong , dear ? " He did , and as he talked , he saw that look return . The fear . He decided he must be mistaken . He hadn 't mentioned the dragons . The rest was wondrous and good . Yet the more he talked , the more frightened she became , until finally she pushed him from the chair and said , " It 's time for bed . " For the next few weeks , his grandmother was a hawk , circling him endlessly , occasionally swooping down and snatching him up in her claws . Most times , she avoided him directly , though he 'd catch her watching him . Studying him . Scrutinizing him . Once they were alone in the house , she 'd swoop . She 'd interrogate him about the dreams , unearthing every last detail , even the ones he thought he 'd forgotten . The strangest of all came nearly a month after he 'd told her of the dreams . She 'd made stew for dinner and she served it in eggshells . When she brought them to the table , the Gnat laughed in delight . " I … " He stared at the egg , propped up in a little juice glass , the brown stew steaming inside the shell . " I don 't understand . Why is it in an egg ? " " For fun , dummy . " His sister shook her head at their grandmother . " Bobby 's never fun . " She pulled a face at him . " Boring Bobby . " And with that , finally , she seemed satisfied . She plunked down into her chair , exhaling , before turning to him and saying , " Go to your room . I don 't want to see you until morning . " The next morning , instead of going to school , his grandmother took him to church . It was not Sunday . It was not even Friday . As soon as he saw the spires of the cathedral , he began to shake . He 'd done something wrong , horribly wrong . He 'd lain awake half the night trying to figure out what he could have done to deserve bed without dinner , but there was nothing . She 'd fed him stew in an eggshell and , while perplexed , he had still been very polite and respectful about it . Perhaps she was going senile . It had happened to an old man down the street . They 'd found him in their yard , wearing a diaper and asking about his wife , who 'd died years ago . If that had happened to his grandmother , Father Joseph would see it . Gran 's voice snapped with impatience . " It 's obvious he 's not ours . Neither his mother nor his father nor any of his grandparents have blond hair . Or dark eyes . " Father Joseph 's eyes widened . " No , of course not . But the ways of genetics - like the ways of God - are not always knowable . Your daughter - in - law does have light hair , and I believe she has a brother who is blond . If my recollection of science is correct , dark eyes are the dominant type , and I 'm quite certain if you searched the family tree beyond parents and grandparents you would find your answer . " Two drops of sweat burst simultaneously and dribbled down the priest 's face . " I … I do not wish to question your beliefs , Mrs . Sheehan . I know such folk wisdom is common in the … more rural regions of your homeland - " " Because it < i > is < / i > wisdom . Forgotten wisdom . I 've tested him , Father . I gave him dinner in an eggshell , as I explained . " " Yes , but … " The priest snuck a glance around , as if hoping for divine intervention - or a needy parishioner to stumble in , requiring his immediate attention . " I know that is the custom , but I cannot say I rightly understand it . " " What is there to understand ? " She put her hands on her narrow hips . " It 's a test . I gave him stew in eggshells , and he said he 'd never seen anything like it . That 's what a changeling will say . " " It is if you 're a changeling . I also gave him one of my heart pills , because it 's made from digitalis , which is also foxglove . My pill made him sick . " " You gave … " For the first time since he 'd come in , Father Joseph looked at Bobby , really looked at him . " You gave your grandson your heart medication ? That could < i > kill < / i > a boy - " Now Father Joseph 's face flushed , his eyes snapping . " No , he is a < i > child < / i > . You will not speak of him that way , certainly not in front of him . I 'm trying to be respectful , Mrs . Sheehan . You are entitled to your superstitions and folksy tales , but not if they involve poisoning an innocent child . " He knelt in front of Bobby . " You 're going to come into my office now , son , and we 'll call your parents . Is your mother at work ? " That was the beginning of " the bad time , " as his parents called it , whispered words , even years later , their eyes downcast , as if in shame . The situation did not end with that visit to the priest . His grandmother would not drop the accusation . He was a changeling . A faerie child dropped into their care , her real grandson spirited away by the Fair Folk . Finally , his parents broke down and asked the priest to perform some ritual - any ritual - to calm his grandmother 's nerves . The priest refused . To do so would be to lend credence to the preposterous accusation and could permanently scar the child 's psyche . The fight continued . He heard his parents talking late at night about the shame , the great shame of it all . They were intelligent , educated people . His father was a scientist , his mother the lead secretary in her firm . They were not ignorant peasants , and it angered them that Father Joseph didn 't understand what they were asking - not to " fix " their son but simply to pretend to , for the harmony of the household . They took their request to a second priest , and somehow - for years afterward , everyone would blame someone else for this - a journalist got hold of the story . It made one of the Chicago newspapers , in an article mocking the family and their " Old World " ways . His family was so humiliated they moved . His grandmother grumbled that his parents made too big a fuss out of the whole thing . It didn 't matter . They moved , and they were all forbidden to speak of it again . That did not mean no one spoke of it . The Gnat did . When she was in a good mood , she 'd settle for mocking him , calling him a faerie child , asking him where he kept his wings , pinching his back to see if she could find them . When she was in a rare foul temper , she 'd tell him their grandmother was right , he was a monster and didn 't belong , that their parents only had one real child . And even if it was all nonsense , as his mother and father claimed , < i > that < / i > part was true - he no longer felt part of the family . They might not think him a changeling , but they all , in their own ways , blamed him . His parents blamed him for their humiliation . The Gnat blamed him for having to leave her friends and move . And his grandmother blamed him for whatever slight she could pin at his feet , and then she punished him for it . He came to realize that the punishments were the purpose of the accusations rather than the result . His grandmother wanted an excuse to strap him or send him to bed without dinner . At first , he presumed she was upset because no one believed her story . That did not anger him . Nothing really angered him . Like happiness , the emotion was too intense , too uncomfortable . He looked at his sister , dancing about , chattering and giggling , and he thought her a fool . He looked at his grandmother , raging and snapping against him , and thought her the same . Foolish and weak , easily overcome by emotion . He did not accept the punishments stoically , though . While he never complained , with each hungry night or sore bottom , something inside him hardened a bit more . He saw his grandmother , fumbling in her frustration , venting it on him , and he did not pity her . He hated her . He hated his parents , too , for pretending not to see the welts or the unfinished dinners . Most of all , he hated the Gnat , because she saw it all and delighted in it . She would watch him beaten to near tears with the strap , and then tell their grandmother that he 'd broken her doll the week before , earning him three more lashes . While there was certainly vindictiveness in the punishments , it seemed his grandmother actually had a greater plan . He realized this when she decided , one Sunday , that the two of them should take a trip to Cainsville . He even got to sit in the front seat of the station wagon , for the first time ever . Her lips twisted . " You do . Far more than a child should know . Because you are not a child . You are a parasite , put into our house to eat our food and sleep in our beds . " " You don 't think you deserve to be punished , do you ? You think I 'm accusing you of things you didn 't do , and your little sister is joining in , and your parents are turning a blind eye . Is that what you think ? " He stayed quiet . There was a trick here , a dangerous one , and he might be smart for a little boy , as everyone told him , but he was not smart enough for this . So he kept his mouth shut . She drove a while longer before speaking again . " They like you , too . They think you 're special . " Her hands tightened on the wheel . " I know why , too . I 'm not a foolish old woman . I 'm just as smart as you , boy . Especially when it comes to puzzles , and I 've solved this one . I know where you came from . " He hesitated . It seemed an odd question , and he sensed the snare wire sneaking around his ankle again . After a moment , he shook his head . " They only ask if you 're well and how I 'm doing . How I like school and that . " " Then you know you have to tell the truth when an adult asks you a question . You need to be honest , even if it might get someone in trouble . Always remember that . " While he liked all the elders in Cainsville , Mrs . Yates was his favorite , and he got the feeling he was hers , too . There had been a time when his grandmother had seemed almost jealous of her , when she would huff and sniff and say she thought Mrs . Yates was a very peculiar old woman . His parents had paid little attention - Gran had made it quite clear she thought everyone a little peculiar in Cainsville . " There are no churches , " she 'd say . And his mother would sigh and explain - once again - that the town had started off too small for churches and by the time it was large enough , there was no place to put them , the settlement being nestled in the fork of a river , with marshy ground on the only open side . People still < i > went < / i > to church . Just somewhere else . It was his mother whose family was from Cainsville . Gran only accompanied them because she didn 't like to be left out of family trips . She didn 't like the town and she certainly didn 't like Mrs . Yates . But that day , as she went off to visit his great - aunt , Gran sent him off with two dollars and a suggestion that he go see what Mrs . Yates was up to . Just be back by four so they could make it home in time for Sunday dinner . He went to the new diner first . That 's what everyone in Cainsville called it . The " new " diner , though it 'd been there as long as he could remember . It still smelled new - the lemon - polished linoleum floors , the shiny red leather booths and even shinier chrome - plated chairs . The elders could often be found there , sipping tea by the windows as they watched the town go by . " Holding court , " his grandmother would sniff - watching for mischief and waiting for folks to come by and pay their respects , like they were lords and ladies . He didn 't see that at all . To him , they were simply there , in case anyone needed them . " Mr . Shaw said he spotted your car coming into town , " she said . " But I scarce dared believe it . Did I hear the rest right , too ? Your gran brought you ? " He nodded without hesitation . Gran thought she was clever in her plan , that he would tattle on her to Mrs . Yates without realizing that 's exactly what she wanted . He had no idea what she hoped to gain , but if Gran wanted it , he wasn 't doing it . He thought she 'd laugh , pat his arm and move on . That 's what other grown - ups would do . But Mrs . Yates was not like other grown - ups , which was probably why he liked her so much . She kept studying him until , finally , she squeezed his shoulder and said , " All right , Bobby . If that 's what you want . Now , do you have your list of gargoyles ? " He pulled the tattered notebook from his back pocket . He 'd been working on it since he was old enough to write . Cainsville had gargoyles . Lots of them . For protection , the old people would say with a wink . Every year , as part of the May Day festival , children could show the elders their lists of all the gargoyles they 'd located , and the winner would take a prize . If you found all of them , you 'd get an actual gargoyle modeled after you . That hardly ever happened - there were only a few in town . It sounded easy , finding them all , and it should be , except many hid . There were gargoyles you could only see in the day or at night or when the light hit a certain way or , sometimes , just by chance . He 'd been compiling his list for almost four years and he only had half of them , but he 'd still come in second place last year . " Let 's go gargoyle hunting . " Mrs . Yates got to her feet without groaning or pushing herself up , the way Gran and other old people did . She just stood , as easily as he would , and started for the door . " Now remember , I can 't point them out to you . That 's against the rules . " She leaned down and whispered , " But I might give you a hint for one . Just one . " " They 're very nice , " she said . " I like to see you playing with them , Bobby . It 's not easy for some children to find playmates . Some boys and girls are different , and other children don 't always like different . You 'll appreciate it more someday , when being different helps you stand out . But children don 't always want to stand out , do they ? " He shook his head . She understood , as she always did . His parents lied and tried to pretend he wasn 't different . She acknowledged it and understood it and made him feel better about it . He nodded . He < i > did < / i > like the girls - Hannah , at least . What bothered him was the prospect of sharing Mrs . Yates with them later . But it would make her happy , and he was still her special favorite , so he shouldn 't complain . Mrs . Yates said Hannah and Rose were in the small park behind the bank . They were often there on the swings , and when he rounded the corner , that 's where he expected to see them . The swings were empty , though . He looked around the park , bordered by a fence topped with chimera heads . Walkways branched off in every compass direction . He heard Rose 's voice , coming from the one leading to Rowan Street . The girls crouched beside a toppled cardboard box . Hannah was reaching in and talking . He liked Hannah . Everyone liked Hannah . His mother said she reminded her of The Gnat , but she couldn 't be more wrong . Yes , Hannah was pretty , with brown curls and dark eyes and freckles across her nose . And , like The Gnat , she was always laughing , always bouncing around , chattering . But with Hannah , it was < i > real < / i > . The Gnat only acted that way because it tricked people into liking her . Rose was different . Very different . She was a year younger than Bobby and Hannah , but she acted like a teenager , and she looked at you like she could see right through you and wasn 't sure she liked what she saw . She had black straight hair and weirdly cold blue eyes that blasted through him . She wasn 't pretty and she never giggled - she rarely even laughed , unless she was with Hannah . Rose saw him coming first , though it always felt like " saw " wasn 't the right word . Rose seemed to sense him coming . She stood and when she fixed those blue eyes on him , he quailed as he always did , falling back a step before reminding himself he had done nothing wrong . Rose only tilted her head , and when she spoke , her rough voice was kind . Her lips pursed , as if calling him a liar , then she waved for him to join them . As he stepped up beside the girls , he was chagrined to realize that as much as he 'd grown in the last few months , Rose had grown more . She might be only seven and a girl , but he barely came up to her eyebrows . She moved back to let him stand beside Hannah . He looked at Rose , and she nodded , giving him a small smile - a sympathetic smile , as if she knew what he was going through and wanted Hannah to share her secret to make him feel better . He bristled . He didn 't want her sympathy . Didn 't need it . But he did want the secret , so he let Rose cajole Hannah until she blurted it out . " I can talk to animals . " Hannah paused , face reddening . " No , that doesn 't sound right . It 's not like Dr . Dolittle . I don 't hear them talk . Animals don 't talk . But they do … " She turned to Rose . " What 's the word you used ? " Did they know what happened ? His grandmother always said Cainsville was a " backwater nowhere " town , where they lived like they weren 't sixty miles from one of the biggest cities in America . Gran said they were ignorant , and they liked it that way . They didn 't read newspapers , didn 't listen to the news or even watch it on television . That wasn 't true . He 'd once told Mrs . Yates about going to the site of the World Fair , and she 'd known all about it . She 'd told him stories about the fair , the sights and sounds and even the smells . He 'd gotten an A on his paper and his teacher said it was almost like he 'd been there . He 'd asked Mrs . Yates if < i > she 'd < / i > been there , and she 'd laughed and said she wasn 't < i > that < / i > old . No one was . So people in Cainsville weren 't ignorant , but he supposed that knowing about the 1893 World Fair wasn 't the same as knowing what his teacher called " current events . " " You shouldn 't tell < i > everyone < / i > , " Rose said to Hannah . " Definitely not anyone outside Cainsville . But no one here will think you 're crazy . " She nudged Hannah with her sneaker . " Tell him about the black kitten . " Hannah took more prodding , but when Bobby expressed an interest , she finally stood and said , " He 's sick . Momma Cat is worried he 's going to die . He doesn 't get enough to eat because he 's smaller than the others . " " He 's different , " Rose said . " That 's why they won 't let him eat very much . I think he 's a matagot . That 's what we were talking about when you came up . " She shrugged . " Enough . I know it can make gargoyles disappear in daylight and tomato plants grow straight and true . I know it can let some people read omens - like old Mrs . Carew - and some see the future , like Rose 's Nana Walsh . " " You can 't , " Hannah cut in . " Not unless you can talk to ghosts . I 'm not sure anyone can talk to ghosts . If there are ghosts . " She turned to Rose , as if she was the older , wiser girl . " There are , " Rose said . " Those with the sight sometimes say they see them . Others can , too . But most times when a person says they 're seeing ghosts it 's their imagination . Even if you can talk to them I 'm not sure why you 'd want to . " Hannah nodded , and his gaze shot from one girl to the other , unable to believe they were talking about such things seriously . Kids at school would call them babies for believing in magic . His parents would call it ungodly . His grandmother would probably call them changelings . " We don 't know if it is one , " Rose said . " Hannah says his mother thinks he 's strange . She still loves him , though . " " Very worried . " Hannah knelt beside the box where the mother cat was licking the black kitten 's head . " Momma Cat is even more worried . Aren 't you ? " " I think she 's going to drive it off , " Bobby said . " They do that sometimes . With the weak , the ones that are different . " The cat nosed the kitten again and meowed . Hannah nodded , said , " I understand , " and very gently lifted the little black ball in both hands . The cat meowed again , but it didn 't sound like protest . She gave the black kitten one last look , then shifted , letting its siblings fill the empty space against her belly . On the way home , his grandmother asked about his visit with Mrs . Yates . She was trying to get him to admit that he 'd tattled on her . Even if he had , he certainly wouldn 't admit it . His grandmother might say he was too smart for his age , but sometimes she acted as if he was dumber than The Gnat . Finally , she pulled off the highway , turned in her seat and said , " Did Mrs . Yates ask how things were at home ? " That was a lie . His grandmother had punished him twice as much after they got back , making up twice as many stories about him misbehaving . He 'd thought she was just angry because her plan - whatever it had been - failed . Bobby walked to his room , trying very hard not to run in and slam the door . Once he got there , he fell facedown on his bed . The door clicked open . His grandmother walked in . " If you 're being mistreated , they 'll take you back , " she said . " But you didn 't tell them , so now we have to wait for them to come to us . I 'll make sure they come to us . " His grandmother soon discovered another flaw in her plan . Two , actually . First , that whoever she thought would " come for him " was not coming , no matter how harsh her punishments . Second , that his parents ' blindness had limits . As the months of abuse had passed , he 'd come to accept that his parents weren 't really as oblivious as they pretended . Nor were they as enlightened as they thought . Even if they 'd never admit it , there seemed to be a part of them that thought his grandmother 's wild accusation was true . Or perhaps it was not that they actually believed him a changeling faerie child , but that they thought there was something wrong , terribly wrong , with him . He was different . Odd . Too distant and too cold . His sister hated him . Other children avoided him . Like animals , they sensed something was off and steered clear . Perhaps , then , the beatings would help . Not that they 'd ever admit such a thing - heavens no , they were modern parents - but if he didn 't complain , then perhaps neither should they . They did have limits , though . When the sore spots became bruises and then welts , they objected . What would the neighbors think ? Or , worse , his teachers , who might call children 's services . Hadn 't the family been through enough ? Gran could punish him if he misbehaved , but she must use a lighter hand . That did not solve the problem , but it opened a door . A possibility . That door cracked open a little more when his mother received a call at work from one of the elders , who wondered why they hadn 't seen the Sheehan family in so long . Was everything all right ? His mother said it was , but when she reported the call at home , over dinner , his grandmother fairly gnashed her teeth . His mother noticed and asked what was wrong , and Gran said nothing but still , his mother < i > had < / i > noticed . He tucked that away and remembered it . Christmas came , and he waited until he was alone in the house with his mother , and asked if they 'd visit family in Cainsville . His mother wavered . And he was ready . He stretched tape over a seam . " I don 't think I 'm as bad as Gran says . I think she 's still mad at me because we had to move . " " I think she might exaggerate sometimes , " he said quietly . " I think Natalie might , too . I sometimes get the feeling they don 't like me very much . " " If you don 't see me misbehaving , maybe I 'm not , " he said . " I do , sometimes . All kids do . But maybe it 's not quite as much as Gran and Natalie say . " He worded it all so carefully . Not blaming anyone . Only giving his opinion , as a child . His mother went silent , wrapping her gift while nibbling her lower lip , the same way he did when he was thinking . " Different , " he said . " Like me . But she 's not mean and she doesn 't misbehave . She hardly ever gets in trouble . Even less than Hannah . " " I do . I miss them . I promise if we go to Cainsville , I 'll be better than ever . " He clipped off a piece of ribbon . " And they < i > are < / i > your family . You want to see them . Gran never liked Cainsville , so she 's happy if we don 't go . " " That 's true , " his mother murmured , and with that , he knew he 'd won an ally in his fight to return to Cainsville . But as he soon learned , it hardly mattered at all . His mother had a job , just like a man , but she didn 't make a lot of money , and his father always joked that it was more a hobby than an occupation , which made his mother angry . That meant , though , that his father was the head of the house . As it should be , Gran would say , and she could , because there was only one person his father always listened to - his own mother , Gran . If Bobby 's grandmother said no to Cainsville , then they would not be going to Cainsville and that was that . Everyone always told him how smart he was . Part of that was his memory . He heard things , and if he thought they might be important , he filed the information away as neatly as his father filed papers in his basement office . A year ago , his grandmother had admitted to feeding him one of her heart medicine pills . Father Joseph had been horrified - digitalis was foxglove , which was poison . Bobby had mentally filed those details and now , when he needed it , he tugged them out and set off for the library , where he read everything he found on the subject . Then he began stealing pills from Gran 's bottle , one every third day . After two weeks , he had enough . He ground them up and put them in her dinner . And she died . There were a few steps in between - the heart attack , the ambulance , the hospital bed , his parents and the Gnat sobbing and praying - but in the end , he got what he wanted . Gran died and the obstacle was removed , and with it , he got an unexpected gift , one that made him wish he 'd taken this step months ago , because as his grandmother breathed her last and he stood beside her bed , watching , he finally heard the screams of dragons . It started slow , quiet even . Like a humming deep in his skull . Then it grew and the humming became a strange vibrating cry , somewhere between a roar and a scream . Finally , when it crescendoed , he couldn 't even have said what it sounded like . It was < i > all < / i > sounds , at once , so loud that he burst out in a sob , hands going to his ears as he doubled over . His mother caught him and held him and rubbed his back and said it would be okay , it would all be okay , Gran was in a better place now . Yet the dragons kept screaming until he pushed her aside and ran from the hospital room . He ran and he ran until he was out some back door , in a tiny yard . Then he collapsed , hugging his knees as he listened to the dragons . That 's what he did - he listened . He didn 't try to block them , to stop them . This was what he 'd dreamed of and now he had it , and it was horrible and terrible and incredible all at once . He hunkered down there , committing them to memory as methodically as he had the dreams of golden palaces and endless meadows . Finally , when they faded , he went back inside , snuffling and gasping for breath , his face streaked with tears . His parents found him like that , grieving they thought , and it was what they wanted to see , proof that he was just a normal little boy , and they were , in their own grief , happy . He waited until three days after the funeral to broach the subject of Cainsville . He would have liked to have waited longer , but it was already April 27 , and he 'd given great thought to the exact timing - how late could he wait before it was too late to plan a May Day trip ? April 27 seemed right . " I 've been thinking , " he said . " Natalie 's so upset about Gran . We all are , of course , but Natalie most of all . " Rose knew what he 'd done . He saw it in her eyes as he walked over to her and Hannah , cutting flowers before the May Day festivities began . Rose saw him coming and straightened fast , fixing him with those pale blue eyes . Then she laid her hand on Hannah 's shoulder , as if ready to tug her friend away . Hannah looked up at Rose 's touch . She saw him and grinned , a bright sunshine grin , as she rose and brushed off the bare knees under her short , flowered dress . Rose kept hold of her friend 's shoulder , though , and squeezed . Hannah hesitated . He stopped short . Then he glanced to the side , pretending he 'd heard someone call his name , an excuse to walk away . He headed toward one of the elders , setting out pies . The pie table was close enough for him to hear the girls . " I bet they were gargoyles . He 's really good at finding them . He has twice as many as I do , and he doesn 't even live here . " Hannah pretended to swat her , then put her arm through Bobby 's . As she did , Rose tensed and rocked forward , like she wanted to pull Hannah away . She stopped herself , but fixed him with that strange look . Like she knew what he 'd done . With that look , he knew Rose had a power , like Hannah . And him ? He had nothing except taunting dreams of castles and meadows , and the screams of dragons , fading so fast he could barely remember the sound at all . " Smile , Bobby , " Hannah said , squeezing his arm . " It 's May Day , and we 're going to have fun . " She grinned . " We 'll always have fun together . " He won the gargoyle hunt that year . The next year , too . They went to Cainsville for all the festivals and sometimes he and his mother just went to visit . Life was good , and not just because Gran was dead and he 'd gotten Cainsville back , but because he 'd learned a valuable lesson . He did not have powers . He would likely never have them . But he did have a power inside him - the screams of dragons . He would admit that when he killed his grandmother , he thought he 'd suffer for it . He 'd be caught and even if he wasn 't , it would be as Father Joseph preached - he would be forever damned in the prison of his own mind , tormented by his sins . Father Joseph had lied . Or , more likely , he simply didn 't understand boys like Bobby . No one ever suspected anything but a natural death , and his life turned for the better after that . He learned how to win his parents ' sympathy if not their love . To turn them , just a little , to his side , away from the Gnat . He learned , too , how to deal with her . That took longer and started at school , with other children , the ones who bullied and taunted him . He decided to show those children why he should not be bullied or taunted . One by one , he showed them . Little things for some , like spoiling a lunch every day . Bigger things for others . With one boy , he loosened the seat on his bike , and he fell and hit his head on the curb and had to go away , people whispering that he 'd never be quite right again . Once he 'd perfected his game , he played it against the Gnat . For her eighth birthday , their parents gave her a pretty little parakeet that she adored . One day , after she 'd called him a monster and scratched him hard enough to draw blood , he warned that she shouldn 't let the bird fly about , it might fly right out the door . " I 'm not stupid , " she said . " I don 't open the doors when she 's out . " She paused , then scowled at him . " And you 'd better not either . " The Gnat turned to him . He smiled , just for a second , just enough to let her know . Then he joined them in the kitchen where his mother gave him extra ice cream for being so nice and helping his little sister hunt for her bird . The Gnat wasn 't that easily cowed . She only grew craftier . Six months later , their parents bought her another parakeet . She kept it in its cage and warned him that if it escaped , they 'd all know who did it . He told her to be nicer to him and that wouldn 't be a problem . She laughed . Three months later , she came home from school to find her bird lying on the floor of its cage , dead . His parents called it a natural death . The Gnat knew better , and after that , she stayed as far from him as she could . He blamed Rose . After her dream of the dragon , she 'd been nicer to him , apparently deciding it had been no more than a dream . Unlike Hannah 's power , Rose 's came in fits and starts , mingling prophecy and fantasy . But then , after he did particularly bad things back home - like loosening the bike seat or killing the bird - he 'd come to Cainsville and she 'd stare at him , as if trying to peer into his soul . After a few times , she seemed to decide that where there were dragons , there was fire , and if she was having these dreams , they meant something . Something bad . Rose started avoiding him . Worse , she made Hannah do the same . He 'd come to town and they 'd be off someplace and no one knew where to find them - not until it was nearly time for him to go , and they 'd appear , and Rose would say , " Oh , are you leaving ? So sorry we missed you . " Soon , it wasn 't just Rose looking at him funny . All the elders did . Still , Mrs . Yates stuck by him , meeting him each time he visited , taking him for walks . Only now her questions weren 't quite so gentle . < i > Is everything all right , Bobby ? Are you sure ? Is there anything you want to tell me ? Anything at all ? < / i > It didn 't help that he 'd begun doing things even < i > he < / i > knew were wrong . It wasn 't his fault . The dreams of golden castles and endless meadows had begun to fade when he 'd turned nine . It did not directly coincide with the first screams of the dragons , but it was close enough that he 'd suspected there was a correlation . Even when he stopped tormenting his tormenters , and let the screams of dragons ebb , the dreams of the golden world continued to fade , until he was forced to accept that it was simply the passing of time . As he aged , those childish fancies slid away , and all he had left were the dragons . So he indulged them . Fed them well and learned to delight in their screams as much as he had those pretty dreams . There were times when he swore he could hear his grandmother 's voice in his ear , calling him a nasty boy , a wicked boy . And when he did , he would smile , knowing he was feeding the dragons properly . But they took much feeding , and it wasn 't long before no one tormented him and there were no worthy targets for his wickedness . He had to find targets and , increasingly , they were less worthy , until finally , by the time he turned twelve , many were innocent of any crime against him . But the dragons had to be fed . That summer , his mother took him to Cainsville two days after he 'd done something particularly wicked , particularly cruel , and when he arrived at the new diner , the elders were not there . Even Mrs . Yates was gone . He 'd walked to her house and then to the schoolyard , where they sometimes sat and watched the children play . He found her there , with the others , as a group of little ones played tag . When she saw him , she 'd risen , walked over and said he should go to the new diner and have a milkshake and she 'd meet him there later . She 'd even given him three dollars for the treat . But he 'd looked at the children , and he 'd looked at her , standing between him and the little ones , guarding them against him , and he 'd let the three bills fall to the ground and stalked off to talk to Rose . He found her at her one brother 's place . Rose was the youngest . A " whoops " everyone said , and he hadn 't known what that meant until he was old enough to understand where babies came from and figured out that she 'd been an accident , born when her mother was nearly fifty . This brother was twenty - nine , married , with a little girl of his own . That 's where Rose was - babysitting her niece . Bobby snuck around back and found the little girl playing in a sandbox . She couldn 't be more than three , thin with black hair . He watched her and considered all the ways he could repay Rose for her treachery . " What are you doing here ? " a low voice came from behind him . He turned to see Rose , coming out of the house with a sipping cup and a bottle of Coke . Like Mrs . Yates , she moved between him and the child . Then she leaned over and whispered , " Take this and go inside , Seanna . I 'll be there in a minute , and we 'll read a book together . " She started to turn away . He grabbed her elbow . She threw him off fast , dropping the bottle and not even flinching when it shattered on the paving stones . " Maybe because we 're all wondering what 's wrong . Why you 've changed . You used to be a scared little boy , and now you 're not , and that would be good , but there 's this thing you do , staring at people with this expression in your eyes and … " She inhaled . " I didn 't tell the elders anything . " He slapped her , so hard her head whipped around , and when it whipped back , there was a snarl on her lips . She kicked and clawed , and he released her fast , stepping back . She hit him then . Like a boy . Plowed him in the jaw and when he fell , she stood over him and bent down . " You ever hit me again , Bobby Sheehan , and I 'll give you a choice . Either you 'll confess it to the elders or I 'll thrash you so hard you 'll wish you < i > had < / i > confessed . I didn 't tattle on you . Now leave me alone . " " Special ? " She gave a strange little laugh , and when she turned , she looked ten years older . " No , Bobby Sheehan , I don 't think I 'm special . Most times , I think I 'm cursed . I know you 're jealous of us , with our powers , but you wouldn 't want them . Not for a second . It changes everything . " She glanced down at him , still on the ground . " Be happy with what you have . " He was not happy with what he had . As the year passed , he became even less happy with it , more convinced that Rose and the elders were spying on him from afar . Spying on his thoughts . This was not paranoia . Twice , after he 'd done something moderately wicked , his mother got a call at work . Once from Mrs . Yates and once from Rose 's mother . " Just asking how you are , " his mother said over dinner after the second call . She slid him a secret smile . " I think Rose might be sweet on you . She seems like a nice girl . " " It 's not gossip . I heard it in town . He 's in jail for fraud , and so was Rose 's dad , for a while , years ago , and no one thinks there 's anything weird about that . I overheard someone say the whole family is into stuff like that . They 're con artists . Only the people saying it acted like it was a regular job . " She scrunched up her freckled nose . " Isn 't that freaky ? The whole town is - " " Enough , " his mother said . " I think someone 's pulling your leg , young lady . There is nothing wrong with Rose Walsh or her family . They 're fine people . " Con artists . That explained a lot . Rose was conning the elders right now , telling them stories about him . Trying to con him , too , into not wanting powers . He did . He wanted them more than anything . And he was going to find a way to get them . He spent months researching how to steal powers and learned nothing useful . It did not seem as if it could be done , and the more he failed to find an answer , the more the jealousy gnawed at him , and the harder it was to focus on keeping the dragons fed and happy . He had to do worse and worse things , and it made him feel even guiltier about them . Together with the jealousy , it was like his stomach was on fire all the time . He couldn 't eat . He started losing weight . He had to go back to Cainsville . At the very least , the visit would calm the gnawing in his stomach and let him eat . He would talk his mother into a special trip to Cainsville and he would go see Hannah . Not the elders . Not Mrs . Yates . Certainly not Rose . No , he 'd visit Hannah . She 'd help him set things right . His plan worked so beautifully that he felt as if the success was a sign . His luck was turning . He asked his mother to go and off they went that Sunday . He arrived to hear that Rose was in the city , and he found Hannah in the playground , tending to an injured baby owl . She 'd started at the sound of a voice , and he expected that when she saw it was him , she 'd smile . She didn 't . She scooped up the owl and stood . " Surprise . " He grinned , but she didn 't grin back . Didn 't even fake it . Just watched him as he opened the gate and walked in . " Is the owl all right ? " She hesitated , then shook her head . " Something got him . Maybe a cat . He 's dying . " Another pause . " That 's the worst part . When they 're hurt and I can 't help . " Hannah shrank , but only a little , before straightening . " That you don 't understand about the powers . You think they 're this great gift . There are good parts , sure , but bad , too . Lots of bad . I woke up in the middle of the night last week because a dog had been hit by a car . I ran out of the house and my mom helped me take it to the vet 's , but there was nothing we could do . It was horrible . Just horrible . And I felt it - all of it . But the only thing that made that dog feel better was having me there through the whole thing , no matter how hard it was . So I did it . Because that 's my responsibility . " < i > Then you 're a fool < / i > , he thought . < i > The dog wouldn 't have helped you . It would have left you by the road to die . < / i > He didn 't say that , because when he looked at her , getting worked up , all he could think was how pretty she 'd gotten . Prettier than any girl in his class , and he wanted to reach out and touch her , and when the impulse came , it was like throwing open a locked door . This was how he could steal her power . Touch her , kiss her … He bit his lip and rocked back on his heels . " I 'm sorry , Hannah . I wasn 't thinking . My dad always said a quick death is better than suffering , and that 's what I meant . Help you < i > and < / i > help the baby owl . " He met her gaze . " I 'm sorry . " Another nod , and in a blink , he was there , his arms going around her , his lips to hers . It wasn 't the first time he kissed a girl . He 'd done more than kiss them , too . Sometimes that was him being wicked , but most times , he didn 't need to be - he knew how to say the right things . < i > A little charmer < / i > , that 's what his mother called him , obviously relieved that her sullen boy had turned out so well . So he kissed Hannah . It was a good kiss . A sweet and gentle one , for a sweet and gentle girl . But she jerked back and pushed him away hard , as if he 'd jumped on her . The dragon whipped its tail inside him , lighting his gut on fire . He forced it to settle . He wouldn 't be wicked with Hannah . He just wouldn 't . Not unless he had to . " It 's Rose , isn 't it ? " he said , stepping back , looking down at his sneakers . " She doesn 't like me . She has dreams about me - about a dragon . She told me that , but I don 't understand what it means . " " Elders ? " She frowned at him . " We wouldn 't tell the elders . Rose looked it up in books . She has lots of books from her Nana . Some talk about the sight and dreams , but she can 't figure this one out . " He bit his lip . " I get the feeling Rose doesn 't like me very much anymore . " He lifted his gaze to hers . " I get the feeling you don 't either . " He grabbed her around the waist and kissed her again . This time when she struggled he held on , kept kissing her , and the more she fought , the more certain he was that this was the answer . She had the power . Touch her . Kiss her - " That wasn 't kissing me . That was hurting me . You want to know why I don 't like you as much ? " She held up the owl . " Because they don 't . The animals . You scare them and you scare me . " He started walking , not knowing where he was going , spurred by the fire in his gut , a fire that seeped into his brain , blinding him . When the rage - fog cleared , he found himself on Hannah 's street . And there , crossing the road , was what he 'd come to find , though he only knew as he saw it . The black cat . Hannah 's matagot kitten . A middle - aged cat now , slinking arrogantly across the street without even bothering to look , as if no car would dare mow it down . He followed the beast , waiting for it to get to a secluded spot . In Cainsville , though , there weren 't any secluded spots . When he 'd been young , he 'd felt as if he was being merely observed , someone always watching over him , keeping him safe , and he 'd loved that . Now it felt as if he was being spied on , judgmental eyes tracking his every move . They weren 't , of course . As he moved , he 'd sometimes see someone peek out from a house , but they 'd only smile and nod . He might be thirteen , but here he was still a child , innocently out playing hide - and - seek or tag with his friends . He could cut through yards and steal behind garages and no one would ever come out to warn him off as they would in the city . Eventually , the cat stopped prowling , and did so in one of the rare secluded spots around - the yard of an empty house . Cainsville had a few of them , not abandoned but empty . This one was surrounded by a rare solid fence for privacy , and once Bobby was in that yard , he was hidden . That is where the beast stopped to clean itself , proving that whatever airs cats might put on , they were very stupid beasts . As he crept up behind the cat , his hands flexed at his sides . He had to grab it just right or it would yowl . Pounce and snatch . That was the trick . Scoop it up by the neck , away from scrabbling claws and then squeeze . It was simpler than one might think , particularly when the beast was so preoccupied that it didn 't turn even when his foot accidentally scraped a paving stone . He ran at the cat , but it bounded away , leaped onto the fence and turned to hiss at him , almost half - heartedly , as if he wasn 't worth the effort . He glowered at the beast then stomped toward the gate . When he swung it open , someone was standing there . Three someones . Mrs . Yates and two of the other elders . He looked at her , and then at the other two elders , and < i > he < / i > knew , too . Knew the truth he hadn 't dared admit . The girls weren 't tattling on him . It was the elders , burrowing into his head , reading all his most wicked thoughts , seeing all his most wicked deeds . It was the old story . The one where he 'd first heard about the screams of dragons . It was coming true . All of it . First the dragons . Then his stomach , twisting and hurting so much these days that he couldn 't eat - just like the king couldn 't eat because his food went missing . Now the people who could hear everything . The elders and Rose . They knew what he was doing even when he didn 't speak a word . He could not escape them , again like the king in the story . That 's why he used to dream of castles . He wasn 't a changeling child . He was a king - or he had been - and the old story was replaying itself , consuming him and his life . After that last trip to Cainsville , the elders were no longer content with the occasional call to check on him . Twice they 'd shown up at his house . His < i > house < / i > . Mrs . Yates had taken him aside and tried to talk to him , prodding him hard now with her questions , telling him she was worried , < i > so worried < / i > . If only he 'd talk to them , they might be able to help . They didn 't care about him . They came as a warning . Letting him know they were in his head , watching and judging . Letting him know they were going to win . He was just a little boy . He would be consumed by them - the dragons - as Rose 's dreams predicted . It all made sense now , or it did , the more he thought about it , obsessed on it , dreamed of it . It was like a puzzle where the pieces don 't seem to fit , but you just had to be smart and twist them around until they did . He went to the library and dug until he found the story in an old book of legends . He 'd vaguely recalled that the king had stopped his enemies - those who could hear everything - by feeding them something . Apparently , he 'd fed them food made from very special insects . Bobby read that , and he went home to sleep on it , and when he woke , he knew exactly what he had to do . It was May Day again . This year , the Gnat had decided not to come . She 'd been at a friend 's place and called to say she was spending the night and skipping the trip . He 'd given the news to his parents when they returned from a bridge party . He answered from the next room , his reply garbled , but his mother only said , " Oh , that 's right . Now , does anyone know where we left the tanning lotion ? I want to get started early this year . Wait , I think Natalie had it … " A few minutes later he found her in his sister 's room . " She 's not there . I remember her saying something about going to the roller rink . " Another pat as she zoomed past , tanning lotion in hand . " Thank you , dear . You 're a good brother , even if she doesn 't always appreciate you . Did you pack that pie you made ? " " Shepherd 's pie , " his mother said . " He made it last night while we were out . Didn 't you notice the mess when we got home ? " She glanced over . " So you < i > did < / i > find hamburger meat in the freezer . " " Shepherd 's pie . I hope you 're not still mad at me . I 'm … " He lowered his voice as he walked toward her . " Sorry about the last time . That 's why I made the pie . For you and Rose . To say I 'm sorry . For the elders , too . I don 't want anyone to be mad at me . " He gazed into her eyes . " I hope you 'll have some . " It was Rose . She hadn 't spoken since she 'd entered . He hadn 't even glanced her way , seeing only Hannah . Now he looked over to see her standing in front of the oven , staring at it . When she turned to him , her face was even paler than usual , her blue eyes bulging . < i > " Where is your sister , " < / i > she said each word slowly , carefully , and he was about to reply when the door opened again . He turned as Mrs . Yates and two of the elders walked in . They seemed concerned . Only that . Then they stopped , mid - stride . They inhaled , nostrils flaring , and when they turned to him again , horror filled their eyes , the same horror that crackled from Rose 's wide - eyed stare . He shot forward , gagging , stomach clenching , head pounding , the images slamming against his skull . He kept gagging until he threw up . Then he sat there , hugging his legs again as the tears rolled down his face . It was Mrs . Yates . He scuttled backward , but she walked straight to the hole and bent to peer in . She smiled , but it was such a terribly sad smile that he wished she 'd scowl instead , scowl and rage and call him the monster he was . " I am so sorry , Bobby , " she said . " I don 't know … " She inhaled . " I won 't make excuses . We could tell things weren 't … We had no idea how bad … " Another inhalation , breath whistling . " I 'm so , so sorry . I wish I 'd known . I wish I could have helped . " " I can 't stop what 's going to happen now , Bobby . I wish I could . I would give anything to fix this . But I can 't . I can only make it easier . " " I read those newspaper articles , " she said . " About your grandmother . What she said . Your dreams . We should have talked about that . Perhaps if we 'd talked … " She shook her head , then peered in at him . " You dreamed of golden castles , didn 't you ? Castles and meadows and streams . " " You should have told - " She cut herself short , chin dipping . " Let 's not talk about the dragons . You won 't hear them anymore . I promise . But the castles . You liked the castles ? " She inched a little closer to the gap in the lattice . " I can bring them back . Back as bright as they ever were . Castles and meadows , cool breezes and warm sunshine . Laughter and play , music and dancing . Is that what you remember ? " She ducked her head and crawled under with him . In one hand , she held a bottle . She pulled out the stopper and held the bottle out to him . The liquid inside seemed to glow , and when he looked up at her , she seemed to glow , too , the wrinkles on her face smoothing . " Then drink that . Drink it , and you 'll see the castles again . You 'll go there , and you won 't ever need to come back . " He took the bottle , and he drank it all in one gulp . As soon as he did , the dragons stopped screaming , and he saw Mrs . Yates , glowing , every inch of her glowing , like sunlight trapped under her skin , her eyes filling with it , drawing him in as she reached out to hug him . He fell into her arms , and the glow consumed everything , the world turned to gold , and when he opened his eyes , he was sitting on sun - warmed grass , staring up at a castle , and a girl laughed behind him and said , " Come and play , Bobby . " He turned , and she looked like Hannah but not quite , and she smiled at him , the way Hannah used to smile at him . He pushed to his feet and raced after her as she ran off , laughing . And that was where he stayed , just as Mrs . Yates promised . Endless days in a world of gold and sunshine , days that ran together and had no end . Every now and then he would fall asleep in a lush meadow or in a chamber in the beautiful castle , and when he did , his dreams were terrible nightmares , where he was bound to a hospital bed , screaming about dragons . But the nights never lasted long , and soon he was back in his world of castles and meadows , running , chasing , playing , dancing until he forgot what the screams of dragons sounded like , forgot he 'd ever heard them and forgot everything else - his grandmother , his sister , his parents , the girls , Mrs . Yates - all of it gone , wisps of a dream that faded into nothing , leaving him exactly where he 'd always wanted to be . Sign Up for news and offers Make sure you don 't miss interesting happenings by joining our newsletter program . Subscribe |
I knew that you would not understand my decision so I never confided in you . You would have tried to stop this and you 'd probably have succeeded , but it would only be preventing the inevitable and this is just something that I have to do . Sometimes it feels as if even breathing is a chore to me and now that I have made my decision , I can only feel a sense of relief that I have finally found a path towards peace . I know you thought that I was stronger than this and for that I am truly sorry . You did your best to help me - please don 't ever doubt that . I don 't think I ever told you how important you were to me but I hope you knew anyway . Sometimes I acted as if our friendship didn 't mean the world to me , when it was in fact one of the greatest things in my life . You were the only person I felt I could talk to over the last few months . You kept me holding on just that little bit longer . Please don 't hate me for this . I folded the letter and gently placed it back into my wallet . I didn 't need to read the thing to remember what it said . The words were ingrained in my mind so that I could never forget them , even if I had wanted to . The tragic suicide of my best friend Sandy at the tender age of 22 still crippled me with grief , even 12 months later . As I sat at her graveside on the first year anniversary of that fateful day in which I found her unconscious at her desk , I kept thinking about what might have happened if I had left college early that particular day . But I had been too late . Would Sandy still be alive if I hadn 't stopped by at Starbucks on the way home from a full day of lectures ? Sandy had been everything to me ; I 'd met her when we were both 14 years old and we 'd become best friends instantly . She spent most of her time with me rather than going home to her abusive step - father and an absent alcoholic mother , and then we had left for college together . Sandy had been my roommate , my best friend , and perhaps the most important person in my life with the exception of my mother . Sandy 's life had been difficult but she had projected the image of being such a strong and independent young lady to the rest of the world . She could be herself with me , and I knew better than anyone how sad and alone she felt sometimes . I 'd spent many hours comforting her or sleeping beside her when she didn 't want to be alone . I leaned forward to rearrange the flowers against her headstone . I tried to shake off the memories of her downward spiral towards suicide and instead replayed the good times , memories that I had spent the past year trying to bury because it was too painful to know that those good memories were now all I had left . I recalled my 18th birthday when I came out to her . She had rolled her eyes and told me that she already knew , saying that she 'd be more than willing to go to the local gay bar with me to help me find a guy who would take my cherry . I had blushed profusely and slapped the back of her head playfully before bursting into laughter . I remembered the day when I introduced Sandy to my first boyfriend Jon . She 'd not liked him very much but she 'd been nice for my sake . She was the first person I called when he dumped me for some college football player . Sandy and I spent the evening eating ice - cream and watching bad horror movies until the early hours of the morning when I passed out in front of the TV . I laughed out loud as I remembered when the two of us had started hunting for an apartment together in our second year of college and our current landlady had assumed we were partners . Sandy decided to go along with it , slapping my backside and calling me ' baby ' and ' honey ' at the end of every sentence . I had been so embarrassed but she had found it hilarious . She had also enjoyed embarrassing me . Sandy would have been disappointed with the way my life had turned out since she had left me . I had been almost as dependent on our relationship as she had been . Without her I fell into the dull and repetitive pattern of college , eat , sleep , college , eat , sleep until graduation and then into a similar pattern of work , eat , sleep . My social life was now non - existent and I 'd fallen out of touch with my college buddies . I rarely spoke to my mother - a brief phone call every couple of weeks simply to let her know that I was okay - and I never visited her . I still lived in the apartment that Sandy and I had rented together , paying the rent on my own with an empty room that I was too afraid to enter . Her step - dad Dirk had taken her stuff - probably binned it all too or sold it for drug money - and all I had left of her was a photo album that I had taken before Dirk had turned up , plus her sketchbooks . I should probably have advertised for a new roommate but it just didn 't seem right . What really bugged me was my lack of tears . My life had fallen to shit in the last year but I hadn 't cried once . Maybe a tear or two at the funeral but nothing more . Surely that couldn 't be normal . What kind of person couldn 't even cry over the death of their best friend ? It was starting to get dark and the sound of the church bells woke me from my thoughts . I stood and brushed the grass off of my trousers before heading out through the rusty gates , turning left to head back to my apartment . I passed a bar on the way . I don 't know what compelled me to stop but I paused outside . I hadn 't been in there often but Sandy and I had been there a couple of times and she had always quite liked it . I peered through the window for a moment and then headed inside . A couple of drinks might do me some good , I thought . I took a look around as I entered . The place wasn 't too busy , but there was still a steady crowd . I pulled my wallet out from my pocket to check how much cash I had on me . It was enough for a couple of drinks , at least . I ordered a double vodka and coke and sat down at the bar . I felt overdressed ; I 'd headed to the graveyard straight after work and so I was still in my black slacks , white shirt and navy tie . I took a look at myself in the mirror behind the bar . I looked tired too . My black hair was sticking up all over the place and I had slight bags under my eyes . I used to pride myself on my looks but I had definitely let myself go in the last several months . " Scott . " He held his hand out towards me . I hesitated before putting down my drink and shaking it . Gosh , he was beautiful . For a brief moment I thought that I recognised him . His smile , those eyes , that gorgeous chocolate brown hair . He seemed so familiar . Had we met before ? " Yeah , I know who you are . " He laughed at my incredulous expression . " American history with Professor Lewis ? " There was an awkward pause where I tried to place him , then nodded . " Don 't worry , I don 't think we ever really spoke to each other . You were always glued to that blonde chick 's hip . It 's been a while though , I wasn 't sure if it was you at first . " I reeled at the casual mention of Sandy and simply nodded . I did remember him , although not too well . He 'd not been part of my crowd and I hadn 't gone out of my way to talk to many of my classmates . I wondered why Scott was sitting here trying to make conversation with me . Now that I could place him , I couldn 't remember a single time when he 'd spoken to me in class with anything more than a brief " hey " or a quick nod of the head . In fact , I was surprised he knew who I was at all . I 'm not rude , though , so I put on my best smile and responded with a shrug . " Oh , you know . Same old , same old . Work 's keeping me pretty busy . " He looked like he expected me to say more , so I continued . " I work over at the big law firm Smith & Sons around the corner from campus . It 's not really as good as it sounds though , mainly just proofreading documents and stuff . How about you ? " " Cool , man . I don 't work too far from there , actually - I 'm working over at the museum . " I nodded . The only museum in this town was less than a ten minute walk from the offices of Smiths & Sons . " It 's not the best job I guess , but I 'm hopefully up for a promotion soon . " He paused . " Still playing football ? " I was shocked by how much this guy remembered about me . I hadn 't played football on the college team , but I 'd played at weekends with a bunch of friends . I 'd never been any good but it had been a lot of fun . I felt slightly guilty that I remembered very little about Scott other than that he had always sat a few rows behind me in our American history lectures . How had I failed to notice him before ? How had I been so oblivious to his striking good looks and those beautiful dark eyes , the kind that you could lose yourself in ? Scott ordered himself a beer , buying one for me , and I thanked him . We began to engage in small talk . I 'd have called it ' catching - up , ' but we hadn 't known each other well enough beforehand for that . It was nice to have the company , and I quickly learned that Scott was extremely funny and very smart . Good looks and intelligence ? Some people got all the luck . I tensed at the question . A lot of people had assumed that Sandy and I had been an item , although it wasn 't deliberate on our part . I had never hidden my sexuality from anyone , but to passers - by and people who didn 't know us , I suppose we must have looked like a couple . It sounded like Scott had not heard the news of Sandy 's suicide , either . " Oh . Okay . Sorry , dude . " He must have sensed that it was a sore topic , although I assumed for the wrong reasons . I had loved Sandy , but I hadn 't been in love with her . She had been like a sister to me . " Don 't worry , it 's fine . Actually , I 'm gay . " I had no idea why I told him this , it just came out ( no pun intended ) . I guess I had been so keen to change the subject that I had said the first thing that popped into my head . Unfortunately the first thing to pop into my head had clearly been the subject of my sexuality . My insides clenched as I waited for Scott 's reaction . Scott was quiet . I wondered if he was trying to plan his escape , perhaps debating the best way to leave without being too rude . Or perhaps he didn 't care about appearing rude and just wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible . The wide grin he sent my way threw me off a little and made me lose my train of thought . " Cool , man . " He downed the last of his beer and slammed the bottle down onto the bar before speaking again . " Well I have to get going , but can I get your number ? " I nodded and leaned across the bar to ask the barmaid for a pen . I jotted my number down on a beer mat and handed it over . Scott grabbed the pen from my hand and scrawled his own number onto another beer mat before leaned towards me to slide it into my shirt pocket , where his hand lingered gently for a moment . I gasped at the contact then blushed furiously . He was so close that I could feel his warm breath against my face . I was embarrassingly turned on . I finished my drink and then headed home . Scott was on my mind the entire time . I couldn 't stop picturing that astounding smile of his , those gorgeous full lips and that tall , muscled body . I 'd always had a thing for taller , more muscular men . I stood at an average 5 ″ 10 and Scott had to be at least 6 ″ 3 . I wouldn 't have said that I was skinny and I certainly had muscles - I used to work out on a daily basis - but it was clear that Scott was way more defined than I was . I shuddered as I remembered how good it had felt to have him lean in so close to me . I didn 't hear from Scott the next day . I spent my Saturday tidying the apartment and then going for a run . I ordered pizza and ate alone , drinking cheap beer and watching Star Trek reruns on the television . I briefly considered heading out to a bar or club , but what was the point when I would be on my own ? I could call one of my college buddies and invite them out but I suspected that they 'd given up on me by now . I could phone Bill , one of my work colleagues , but I suspected that he 'd be spending the evening with his pregnant fiancé and wouldn 't be particularly keen on the idea of going out drinking with me . I looked across my small living room at the beer mat which was sitting next to the phone . I could always call Scott but I was sure he 'd be busy on a Saturday night . Besides , he 'd said he would call me and I didn 't want to seem desperate . I headed to bed early . I was lying in bed on Sunday morning , debating whether it was worth getting up and trying to decide what I needed to do . I thought I should probably head over to the gym since I was still paying for a membership that I barely used . I desperately needed to head over to the laundromat before I ran out of clean work clothes . My fridge needed cleaning out too , and I 'd have to head to the store at some point . I sighed and looking over at the alarm clock . 8am . Perhaps another few hours of sleep … . I was woken up by the sound of my phone vibrating along the nightstand . I turned to take a quick look at the alarm clock . 11 : 15 am . Shit . I reached out for my phone and flipped it open , bringing it to my ear . " Oh , err , I mean , hi , Scott … " I could barely construct a sentence . Smooth . " No , I was awake . Well , I was earlier . I … fell back to sleep . " I felt like slapping myself . Just stop talking Jake , I thought . I sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes . " Yeah , sure . Where did you have in mind ? " Phew , my power of speech had returned . " Well there 's this great little place a few blocks over from my apartment . I could pick you up at your place at 6 ? That 's if you 'll be up then ? " He joked . " Ha ha , " I mocked , " but yeah , that sounds good . " I gave him the address to my apartment and then we said our goodbyes . I instantly felt nervous about our date , but hopeful too . I dragged myself out of bed and headed over to the bathroom . I glanced towards the closed door that led to Sandy 's room . I paused outside it , tentatively reaching for the handle and opening the door a crack . I didn 't go in there often and the room was empty . I supposed I could use the space as a guest room or for storage , but I just couldn 't bring myself to do it . Sometimes I considered moving somewhere else , somewhere where I wasn 't haunted by the loss of Sandy , but I didn 't think that I could do that either . Besides , I knew that the loss of Sandy would stay with me no matter where I lived . I briefly let myself remember the day we had moved into this place and how excited we had been . Sandy had dashed into this room to claim it as hers despite it being the smaller of the two bedrooms . She claimed she wanted it for the view but all you could see from the window was a dodgy looking alley , a bus stop and the apartment buildings across the street that mirrored our own . I found out pretty quickly that the real reason was because she didn 't have that much stuff - her step - dad Dirk hadn 't allowed her to take much from home when she 'd left for college so all she 'd had was her clothes , her art supplies and a few CDs - and she 'd felt that this would have been more obvious in a bigger room . Naturally , I 'd never been over to her place when she 'd lived with her step - dad , and her roommate during the first year of college was so messy that it had been hard to decipher what belonged to whom . I was offended that Sandy had thought it would matter to me though and we had even argued about it . In the end I 'd given her the ' what 's mine is yours now ' speech and we 'd made up . I remembered the times that I had slept in here , just holding Sandy in my arms . Sometimes she 'd have bad dreams and I 'd stay with her because she said that she needed to know that someone was there to keep her safe . Sandy had been so petite that at first I was scared I 'd break her but we got into something of a routine when I stayed with her , and I 'd pull her against my chest and she 'd sleep with her head resting on my shoulder and my arms wrapped around her . Sandy never really told me what she dreamt about those nights but I still knew that the nightmares were about Dirk . I also suspected that they were about her mother who was never around and who hadn 't thought twice about leaving her only daughter alone with a man like Dirk Winters . I pulled the bedroom door shut and headed to the bathroom to take care of business , trying to concentrate on my upcoming date rather than wallowing in the loss that still felt so fresh . Jesus , what would I wear ? I glanced in the bathroom mirror . I 'd definitely need to shave and I 'd have to make an attempt at taming my untidy hair . I was pretty sure that Scott wouldn 't go for the homeless look . But he 'd already asked me out , so surely he must have liked something he saw . I stared at my reflection for a few more seconds , trying to figure out what had attracted him to me . I came up blank . I might have had something going for me during my college years but I 'd graduated almost a year ago - just 6 weeks after Sandy 's suicide - and these days I was something of a mess . I could think of nothing else but my date with Scott at work the next day . I kept making mistakes , which was completely unlike me . I was a pretty efficient worker , always keeping my head down and getting on with the tasks I had been set . I got very little done and kept swearing under my breath every time I noticed yet another mistake in the documents I was typing up . Bill kept quiet at first but eventually asked me what was wrong . " Scott . He 's … wait - " I paused . I 'd never told Bill that I was gay . I hadn 't deliberately kept my sexuality from him but since I didn 't date , there had never been a suitable time to drop it into a conversation . " How did you know I was gay ? " " I know everything , dude , " Bill joked . " But seriously , tell me about him . " And just like that , my friendship with Bill seemed to solidify into something more real . We 'd always got on well but I wouldn 't have considered us good friends until that point when he showed a genuine interest in my life outside of work and he seemed to really care about seeing me happy . " You 'll have to let me know how it goes . Just , please , no sex details . " I laughed at the face that Bill pulled before he continued . " If it goes well , perhaps the two of you could come out to dinner with Scarlett and I some time . She 's always complaining that I don 't take her out enough , plus she 'd love to meet one of my work colleagues . " " Yeah , maybe . " I smiled and nodded , but I didn 't want to think that far ahead . It was only a first date , after all . I ended up leaving work half an hour early and heading home to decide what to wear and to calm my nerves . Bill wished me luck and promised to cover for me if our boss noticed my absence . Bill was a good guy , and I suddenly felt very grateful to be working with him . I made a mental note to go out and buy him and his fiancé something nice for the baby shower I knew was coming up but had yet to RSVP for . The walk home was lethal . I could have taken a taxi but it wasn 't a long walk and it would have felt like a waste of money . I dodged through traffic in an attempt to get home quicker but ended up having a couple of near - death experiences instead . It had been a while since I had gone out on a date or even hooked up with anyone so I was incredibly nervous . It was very strange ; although Scott had asked me out and not the other way around , I feared that he wouldn 't find anything he liked about me and then lose interest . I was definitely attracted to Scott and prayed to God that I would make a good impression tonight but I was anxious and also worried about letting him - or anyone else for that matter - into my life . Since losing Sandy , letting anyone get that close again seemed wrong . Scott arrived five minutes early but thankfully I had been ready in plenty of time , although that had only led to me pacing the apartment and wearing holes in the already shabby carpet . I 'd shaved and combed my hair and even I had to admit that I looked a lot better than I had in months . The knock at the door startled me a little and I took a deep breath and tried to squash my nerves as I walked over to answer it . Scott looked amazing . He was wearing a tight fitting pair of black jeans and a grey shirt that hung nicely and really showed off the definition of his chest and biceps . His brown hair was in a messy , jelled style that really suited him and he had fresh stubble on his cheeks since I 'd last seen him . I loved a guy with a bit of facial hair . Scott 's dark eyes shined as he smiled and looked me over , nodding his approval . " I was thinking we could walk . I don 't live far from here and the restaurant is only a short walk away from there . It 'll only take us about fifteen minutes . If you want to call a taxi instead , that 's cool . " He grinned but looked slightly unsure of himself , which actually made me feel better . At least I wasn 't the only one feeling nervous . " That 's cool , I don 't mind walking . I 'll just grab my jacket and then I 'm set to go . " I didn 't invite Scott in to see the apartment even though I could sense that he wanted to . I just wasn 't comfortable with inviting anyone in to the place that he been mine and Sandy 's sanctuary , not after losing her here too . I grabbed my jacket then headed out . The walk to the restaurant was nice . Scott walked by my side , his hand occasionally brushing against mine while we made small talk about our day at work . It wasn 't as awkward as I had feared and I found it pretty easy to talk and to ask questions . Scott made a few jokes about things that had happened at the museum . He was so animated when he talked and he really made me feel at ease . When we arrived at the restaurant I was surprised to find that it was the same little place I had passed many times but never entered , called The Alcove . I 'd always wondered if the food was any good but just hadn 't found the time to eat there and more recently I had not been too keen on the idea of eating out alone . The place was cosy and had a homey feel , with candles on all the tables and old black and white photos on the walls . Scott just smiled and nodded . " I 've been here a few times . I used to work here when I was at college so I know the owner pretty well . " The waitress came back with our drinks and we both ordered the steak . Once we were alone again , Scott leaned forward in his seat and rested his arms against the sides of the table . " I 'm glad I ran into you on Friday . What a coincidence , huh ? " " You seemed a little down though . " Scott pointed out . I didn 't know how to respond and I really did not want to get into a discussion about Sandy and the past year I had spent without her , so I simply nodded and made my excuses . Scott nodded . " Ah , I feel you 're pain - we all have days like that . In fact , that about sums up most of my working life so far . " The food was delicious and we continued to make small talk throughout the meal . I was really enjoying my time with Scott and it felt great to be out at a restaurant rather than sitting in my apartment on my own . I was becoming increasingly attracted to him and I would often catch him admiring me and giving me heated glances that sent tingles down my spine . God , I wanted him . " I 'm not sure why we never spoke but I suppose that doesn 't matter too much now , huh ? " He smiled and took a sip of his wine . " So what about the girl you were always with ? Sandy ? Do you see much of her these days ? " " Oh . " Scott frowned a little . " That 's a shame . You two seemed really close . In fact , I don 't think I saw the two of you apart more than a handful of times . " It was obvious that Scott was only trying to be nice and that he didn 't know the reality of the situation but I really didn 't want to talk about this . I didn 't talk about Sandy any more . I didn 't even discuss her during my bi - weekly telephone calls to my mother . I was reluctant to speak but Scott was looking at me expectantly . I knew that he had meant no harm with his question and was just trying to get to know me . " I don 't want to talk about it , Scott , " I said , cutting him off mid - sentence . It came out harsher than I had planned and I sighed , rubbing my eyes with the heel of my palm . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean to be rude . It 's just that it 's really not something I want to talk about . Please , just leave it . " Scott nodded and took another sip of his wine , then changed the subject to movies . After that , the rest of the date went well and the conversation flowed nicely . It was easy to chat and joke with him - it seemed to be so natural , as if we had known each other for years . I suppose , technically , we had . Scott seemed to have an unlimited supply of funny stories and had me almost in tears with his stories about some of the customers he had encountered both working part - time at the restaurant and at the museum . I felt kind of sad as we left the restaurant and started walking in the direction of my place . I didn 't want the night to end since I was having such a good time . Should I invite him back to my place , or would that make it seem like all I was after was a quick lay ? I wasn 't sure if I wanted to invite him up . Not because I wasn 't interested - I definitely was - but because my apartment was a very private place for me these days and I wasn 't sure I liked the idea of letting anyone in . So what did I do now ? Was there something I should say ? I wondered briefly when the dating game had gotten so difficult . I was sure it hadn 't always been this confusing . I know it had been a while since I 'd been on a date , but I couldn 't remember being this nervous before . Perhaps it was because I was genuinely attracted to Scott and I was so scared I would fuck it up . We 'd only been walking for about 5 minutes when Scott stopped . " This is me . " He pointed towards the entrance of an apartment building very similar to my own , except with a few more floors . Scott let out a small chuckle and reached for my hand . He laced his fingers through mine and gently tugged at my arm to lead the way . My hand was tingling from his touch and my heart started to beat a little faster . It felt wonderful holding his hand . I followed him as he led me to an elevator and pressed for the 5th floor . Scott 's apartment was a bit bigger than mine and much better decorated . The front door led straight into an open living space , everything in very earthy shades . It seemed very minimalistic but still felt warm and cosy . The walls were lined with black and white photographs . Scott was in most of them , surrounded by what I could only assume was a very large family . I nervously jammed my hands into my pockets and continued to look around . Scott gave me a quick tour of the nice sized modern kitchen off to the left of the living space and the two bedrooms and small bathroom down a small corridor off to the right . When Scott returned he dropped down next to me on the couch , passing me a bottle and then taking a swig of his . The drinks from the meal had definitely affected me and I found myself openly checking him out as he drank . He 'd stretched his long legs and his head was tilted back , his eyes closed a little . I felt the arousal in my jeans and reluctantly looked away as he lowered his bottle and turned to give me a cheeky smile . I blushed . He 'd been fully aware that I was checking him out and I wasn 't used to getting caught . I fumbled for something to say . " Thanks . I can 't really take much credit for it though ; my sister did all the decorating . She 's an interior designer and this became her first major project . I think she wanted to show off . " The statement had seemingly come out of nowhere and I blushed , ducking my head a little . " Scott - " I started . I had no idea what I was going to say , but I was cut off anyway by his lips brushing lightly against mine . He pulled away all too quickly and I tried not to look disappointed . He took my beer and put it alongside his on the coffee table and then made to lean towards me again . This time I was prepared when Scott 's lips met mine . Scott kissed me deeply and cupped my face in his hands as he leaned into me . His tongue slid in and brushed against the roof of my mouth . I kissed him back and intertwined by tongue with his . I was gasping for breath when we finally pulled away from each other . I stared into his eyes and I let my fingers gently caress the stubble across his jaw line . I was painfully hard in my jeans and Scott pulled himself into my lap to straddle me before reaching down to unbuckle my belt . I felt myself hesitate and pull away ever so slightly . Scott noticed . Scott slid down between my legs to the floor and I gasped as he made quick work of my jeans and then reached into my boxers to pull out my hard dick . Scott simply stared at it for a moment and I started to feel self - conscious . I wasn 't particularly huge or thick , but I was a good 7 inches when hard . I 'd never been ashamed of it before but I found myself hoping that Scott liked what he saw . Scott took my dick into his mouth and I gasped . My hesitation was forgotten and all I felt was intense pleasure as I arched my back and groaned . Scott was a master ; he knew exactly what to do to bring me close to the edge and then pull me back from it . He began humming as he bobbed his head , the vibrations driving me crazy . I gasped in ecstasy as he began deep - throating me . Scott made sure to taste every bit of my manhood and I was almost blind with pleasure as I teetered over the edge of my orgasm . I began to thrust forward , crying out incoherently . My balls drew up and I knew I was going to come . I tried to warn Scott and grabbed at his head to pull him off , but he gently pushed my hands away and continued to suck . He didn 't move away and I cried out his name as I came into his mouth . He looked up and into my eyes as he swallowed my load . The sight was too much and I groaned , closing my eyes as he swallowed the last of my come . " Wow . " I couldn 't think of anything else to say . I turned to see Scott 's dick tenting his jeans . I reached over and palmed the bulge , causing him to hiss . My whole body felt exhausted , but I hauled myself over to straddle Scott 's lap and rested my face in the crook of his neck . I unbuckled his belt and Scott lifted us both up slightly so that he could pull down his jeans . I reached into his boxers to cup his balls in my hand . Scott groaned . It didn 't take long to send Scott over the edge . The blowjob must have really turned him on because he was so close . I fondled his balls for a while before slowly jacking him off as I kissing along his jaw and his neck , and within a few minutes he was coming into my palm . He arched his back and groaned , before collapsing back into his seat and panting . I slid out of his lap and into the seat next to him . My hand was covered in his come and I took my time licking it off as he watched . He let out another small groan and pulled me towards him so I could rest my head against his chest . " So I suppose this is a good time to ask … " Scott said , before pausing . I tilted my head up to look at him . He seemed hesitant rather than his usual assured and confident self . " Well , I was hoping you might want to , you know , give this a go and be my boyfriend ? " Scott met my eyes and I could see the uncertainty in them . I moved my hand from his thigh to lace my fingers with his . Scott squeezed my hand a little and leaned in for a kiss that started off slow but ended with tongues and both of us pawing at the other 's clothes . I reluctantly pulled away and sighed . I didn 't want to move too fast . I didn 't want to screw this up and I was afraid of what could happen if I let this go too far . I think , mostly , I was scared of getting hurt . " Okay . " Scott didn 't seem ready to let me go just yet , still firmly grasping me in his arms . " Can I see you tomorrow ? " I extracted myself from Scott 's arms and stood . I tucked myself away and re - buckled my belt . Scott stood and pulled me towards him to give me a goodbye kiss . He nibbled along my jaw and then at my ear lobe . " See you tomorrow , gorgeous . " After that first date , I began to see Scott on a regular basis . I learnt a lot about him and found that we had many things in common . We liked the same movies and music , and we 'd talk for hours about gigs we 'd been to or telling stories about our college experiences or funny things that had happened at work . I spent the night at his place on the Saturday the weekend after our first date . He 'd invited me over for pizza and a movie and we 'd decided on X - Men : Origins before settling down on the couch . He pulled me into his arms so that I was leaning against him with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me , and he rested his feet up on the coffee table . In just a few days , I was feeling almost completely at ease around Scott . Sitting with him like this felt natural , as if it was the way things should be . After the movie we cuddled for a little before grabbing a few beers and getting to know each other better . As we lay there on the couch , our legs tangled together , we asked each other questions about our past . I learnt a lot about his family . Scott had grown up in the countryside with his mother and father and 5 siblings ; 3 older brothers , an older sister and a younger brother . " I 'm closest to my sister Emma , she 's only a year older than me and we did practically everything together when we were kids . She had the shitty end of the stick most of the time , being the only girl and all . She 's super smart though and she definitely knew how to run rings around us all . She still does , actually , " Scott laughed . " I actually came out to her first and she was truly amazing . She stood by me when I told the rest of my family and she defended me to anyone who said a word against it . My eldest brother Chris kinda reacted badly at first but it was Emma who talked some sense into him . He was full on prepared to beat the homosexuality out of me when I came out , but these days he 's cool with it . " I answered with a shake of my head . Scott seemed to sense that this might be something that I didn 't want to talk about and a topic that he shouldn 't push . I told him a little about my mother and explained that it had just been me and her after my dad left . He held me and listened . Scott and I went out to dinner several times over the next few weeks and most nights I ended up at his place where we would kiss and make out but nothing progressed further than oral , which I was eager to reciprocate after the amazing blowjob he had given me that first night . It felt amazing to be close to someone again , but not just anyone . I was with Scott , and I could already see how special he was . I stayed at Scott 's place a lot and he never seemed to mind that I wasn 't ready for sex yet . In fact , he didn 't even mention it . One night , after the best blowjob of my life , I decided to say something . I was worried that he 'd get fed up of waiting for me . I didn 't even know why I was so hesitant to go all the way . We were in bed and I was lying against his chest so I lifted my head to look at him . He was falling off to sleep , so I propped my head up on my arm and I reached my hand out to trail my fingers across his chest and took a moment to admire his beautiful face . Scott seemed to immediately wake up then . He turned onto his side so that he was looking straight at me and reached out to run his fingers through my hair and then hold my cheek in the palm of his hand . " Of course not , Jake . Why would you even think that ? I can see that you don 't feel ready yet and I 'm not going to push you into something you aren 't comfortable with . You 're taking this at your own pace , and I 'm fine with that . I respect that . " " Okay . " I leaned forward to plant a kiss on his forehead then pulled myself against his chest . He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my temple . I felt so good in his arms . I didn 't want him to ever let me go . Scott laughed too . " Okay , maybe more than once . You didn 't seem to realise how hot you were and you were completely oblivious to the attention you got from others . In fact , I think that made me even more attracted to you . That 's why I never spoke to you - I was insanely attracted to you and I thought you 'd be able to tell straight away . Although if I 'd have known then that you were gay , maybe I would have . " I was silent at that . I briefly wondered whether the loss of Sandy would have been easier if Scott had been around then to help me through . I quickly shook away that train of thought and lifted my head to kiss Scott passionately on the lips . Scott broke away , only to begin covering my face with lots of little kisses . After almost four weeks of dating , I felt ready to take things all the way with Scott . We were meeting for dinner at his place that night and I was impatient to get home from work . Bill gave me a knowing look and shooed me out of the office early with a " go get him , stud . " My phone went off just as I walked through the front door of my apartment , and I dashed over to check the caller ID . Shit , it was my mother . I hadn 't called her in a while and she was bound to be worried . I glanced at the clock . I knew I would have to answer just to assure her that I was okay , but she had a habit of keeping me on the phone for ages . " Jacob ! " She started down the phone . " I have been worried sick about you ! Why haven 't you called ? It 's been weeks ! " " I 'm really sorry momma , I 've just been busy . I didn 't mean to worry you . " I felt guilty because I knew that she worried about me a lot as it was , even when I did manage to call her when I said I would . She seemed to worry enough for two people , but I guess that was because she had taken on the role of my dad once he had left us . " Busy ? That 's your excuse ? Too damn busy to pick up a phone and give me peace of mind ? ! I didn 't know what had happened to you ! I 've been calling and calling but you haven 't been picking up . I wouldn 't have to worry if you would come and visit me once in a while , just to let me know that you 're taking care of yourself . " I couldn 't remember the last time she had been this angry . Her voice was high pitched and she sounded close to tears . I sighed deeply . " I really am sorry ; I wasn 't deliberately avoiding your calls . I 've been out most evenings . I 'm … well , I 'm seeing someone . " The anger was gone instantly . " Oh ! Really ? ! Oh baby , I 'm so pleased . Is he nice ? Is he treating you right ? What 's his name ? " " Oh , I 'm so glad for you honey . I really am . After you lost Sandy , I was so scared you 'd never let anyone in again . " After assuring her that I would try and make time for a visit and telling her that I needed to get ready to go out , I managed to hang up the phone . I was surprised by how good I felt . I dashed to the bathroom to have a quick shower , then pulled on a comfy pair of jeans and a blue button up shirt , grabbed my wallet and keys from the counter and hurried out to Scott 's place . Scott answered the door with his phone to his ear , talking hurriedly . " I have to go now , Emma . Yeah , I 'll call you . Yes . Okay . Yes . Love you too . Bye . " He hung up then pulled me into the apartment before I 'd even had a chance to utter a greeting . Pressing me up against the door , Scott kissed me so passionately that my knees felt weak and my mind was in a jumble by the time he finally pulled away to rest his forehead against mine . Scott rolled his eyes and turned away from me to check on the food . " Grab a beer and sit down . Dinner will be ready in a minute . " Dinner was delicious . Scott was an amazing cook whereas I struggled to make toast without screwing it up . I told him so and he laughed . This wasn 't the first time he 'd cooked for me , but he 'd definitely gone to a lot of trouble tonight . I was just finishing up when I remembered the conversation with my mother . Scott must have noticed that something was on my mind because he reached across the table for my hand and asked if everything was alright . I told him that I had spoken to her . I nodded . I hadn 't seen her since Sandy 's funeral . I felt horrible for leaving her to worry about me all this time . " Yeah , that 'd probably be a good idea . Why don 't you come with me ? I 'm sure she 'd love to meet you . " Scott nodded but said no more , finishing the last of his food before standing . I stood too , following him into the living room and sitting down on the couch with him . I leaned in for a kiss . We began to make out on the couch . It started off gentle and slow , but rapidly became more heated and passionate . I was rock hard almost instantly and gasping for breath when Scott relocated to straddle my lap . He ducked his head to plant another kiss on my lips , pushing his tongue inside and swirling it erotically against mine . The intensity of our kiss shook me to my core . It was becoming more and more apparent that I was falling in love with Scott , but I wasn 't ready to say the words out loud yet . I didn 't want to ruin this . Scott rubbed our denim clad erections together which caused us both to groan in pleasure . He reached for the hem of his t - shirt and pulled it up over his head . I reached over to tweak a nipple and he moaned before pulling my hand away so that he could reach down and undo the buttons on my shirt . As Scott undid each button , he kissed and nipped at the skin that he exposed . When my shirt had been removed , Scott clamped down on my left nipple and bit it slightly before sucking it into his mouth . I hissed in pleasure and arched my back a little , then grabbed hold of his hips . Scott stood and held his hand out to help me up . We stumbled across to his bedroom and he pushed me down onto his bed where we lay on our sides facing each other . I stroked the stumble along his jaw line before he pulled me into his arms to lay kisses down my neck and across my collarbone . I met his lips before pulling away to speak . Scott pulled away to look into my eyes . " Are you sure , Jake ? I 'm happy to wait , don 't feel like you have to - " " Never , " he smiled , leaning in to kiss me . Our tongues battled it out for a moment until he pulled away and rolled us over till I was on my back and he was kneeling between my legs . He unbuckled my belt and unzipped my jeans , pulling them down with my boxers as I lifted my hips to make it easier . He pulled off my socks and then removed what was left of his own clothes . " God , I love your body , it 's perfect , " Scott said as his fingers travelled down my chest then went further until he was cupping me in his hand . He reached across to his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube . He spread my legs further apart before positioning himself between them and raised my hips up by placing a pillow under my lower back . I pulled my legs up as far as I could to give him better access . Scott coated his fingers with lube and teased at my hole before inserted the first finger into me . It had been so long and I was tight , but I quickly adjusted and started pushing myself onto his finger to get him further into me . Scott chuckled lightly and leaned up to pepper kisses across my chest . Without wasting any time he added a second finger and I moaned in pleasure as I felt him hit my prostate . Scott didn 't reply but simply added a third finger and began scissoring them inside my tight hole . I wanted to say something , to tell him that I needed him now and not his fingers , but I was so lost in the sensations of his fingers rubbing against my prostate . He pulled his fingers out and I groaned . " Hang on , baby , " Scott said as he leaned over to the nightstand and searched through the draw . " Shit , my condoms must be in the bathroom . " Scott pulled away to get up but I pulled him back down to me and nipped at his earlobe . I lay there and gazed up at the ceiling , my heart beating so fast that I thought it might explode . I was in love with Scott , there was no denying it . I wanted him so much and it felt so great to be this close to someone after so long . I wasn 't alone anymore and I finally felt like me again . I smiled . Scott seemed to be taking a while to get the condom but just as I was about to sit up and see what the problem was he crawled back up the bed and laid himself on top of me , looking straight into my eyes . His eyes seemed to sparkle and he held my gaze for what felt like an eternity . It was as if he could see right into my soul . He leaned down for a passionate kiss that made me moan with the anticipation of what was about to come . That one sentence was enough to turn me into an emotional wreck . Pull yourself together Jake and don 't you dare cry , I thought . I nodded and spread my legs for Scott as he rolled on the condom and lubed up . He never broke eye contact as he lined himself up with my hole and started pushing forward . It hurt at first but no more than I had expected . It had been over a year since I 'd been with anyone and it took time to adjust to a cock as big as Scott 's . He held completely still but I could see that he was desperate to move . After a minute I nodded and he pushed forward again , slowly and slowly , inch by inch , until he had his whole length inside my tight passage . I moaned as intense pleasure replaced the pain . " I 'm in , baby . I 'm in , " Scott moaned as he leaned down to kiss me deeply . The change of position meant that he brushed across my prostate and I moaned in ecstasy . " God yes … harder , Scott … ahh , " I couldn 't speak after that and Scott began pounding into my ass harder and harder as I arched my back and lifted myself to meet each of his thrusts . He hit my prostate with every stroke and I was close to coming within minutes . I gripped his back and pulled him against me . His stomach rubbed against my erection and the friction sent me over the edge . I couldn 't hold back and screamed out his name as I shot streams of come between us , coating my chest and hitting my chin . My ass muscles clenched around his cock as it pumped into me and Scott cried out as he joined me in release . Once we had both come down from our orgasms Scott kissed me , licking the come from my chin , and then slipped out of me . I groaned at the feeling and felt oddly empty . He rolled off of me . " Don 't move , babe , " Scott whispered before swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing . He removed the condom then headed in the direction of the bathroom , coming back moments later with a wet cloth . He gently washed the come from my chest before throwing the cloth to the floor and lying back down to spoon up behind me . I looked up from my food . I hadn 't expected the question and it surprised me that he wanted to see my place so much . " Sure , I guess . " I wasn 't sure why I had been so hesitant to let Scott into my apartment . I suspected that it was to do with Sandy . It had been her home too , and I 'd rarely brought guys back because I 'd always felt that it wouldn 't be fair on her . Plus my apartment had been my sanctuary for so long - it was where I had lost my best friend and where I grieved . It seemed too personal to let someone in , and yet I wanted to let Scott in . We had already had sex ( and lots of it in the past few weeks ) , he was coming with me to visit my mother in a fortnight , and I was meeting his sister the coming weekend . Surely letting him see my apartment was only a tiny step in comparison ? After dinner I insisted on paying the bill , and then Scott held my hand as we headed back to his apartment so that he could pick up a change of clothes . Scott had only been to my place twice since picking me up on our first date and he hadn 't been inside either time . My palms started to sweat as we entered the building . I was nervous . Scott wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked up to my apartment . Once we arrived at my door , I gave him a quick tour and then headed into the kitchen to fetch some drinks . I hadn 't shown him Sandy 's room and he hadn 't inquired . When I returned , Scott was holding a picture from the mantle . It was of me and Sandy the day we moved into the apartment - we were laughing and had our heads pressed together , there were stacks of boxes behind us and the photo was at a funny angle with the top of my head out of the shot because Sandy had taken it herself . Sandy had her tongue sticking out and she looked so beautiful . " This is a lovely picture . " He put it down before turning back to me . I put the drinks down as he approached and melted into him as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in for a kiss . It was brief , and when he pulled away he rested his forehead against mine . " Why don 't you talk about Sandy , Jake ? " He was whispering , as if he was scared to speak too loudly in case it scared me away . My hands suddenly felt clammy and I closed my eyes . " Because I don 't want to . Scott , please , let 's not go there . " My heart was pounding in my chest and I tried to push him away . He tightened his hold and wouldn 't let me leave . " Let go of me , Scott ! Leave me alone ! I said I didn 't want to go there . Please , don 't make me say it … please . " I pushed against him in an attempt to get free but his grip was too tight . I wiggled around until I finally gave up and collapsed against him , burying my face in the crook of his neck and trying to hold back the tears that I knew were coming . Scott held me as I cried for Sandy and for the fact that I hadn 't been able to help her , not in the end . It was the first time that I 'd had someone there to comfort me . At the funeral I had rejected the efforts of my mother and my friends but it felt okay to let Scott comfort me . It was also the first time that I had really cried . I cried so much that my ribs hurt and I felt exhausted . After a while I finally calmed down enough to talk , although my voice sounded gravelly and weak . " Not at first , no . But after the way you reacted when I mentioned her on our first date , I realised that something was up . I didn 't want to push it , assuming that you 'd tell me when you were ready . Then I spoke to a mutual friend from college that first week and he told me what happened . He said it was common knowledge and I felt like a complete dick for not knowing … " Scott paused . " There 's something else too . Babe , when I was looking through your wallet for a condom the other week , I found the note you keep in there . " I was silent for a moment . I briefly wondered whether I should be angry that Scott had seen the letter , but I wasn 't . I pulled myself closer to Scott , wrapping myself in his arms . " That night in the pub , I had been on the way back home from visiting her grave . It was the first year anniversary of her suicide , a whole year since that night when I found her … . " I trailed off . My voice was barely above a whisper . I shuddered and buried my head in Scott 's chest . |
filthy fuckslutbitch09 - 28 - 2008 , 10 : 48 PMIntroduction : It 'll surprise you what some people will pay for the good life . I sat on the front row of my grandfather 's funeral with dry eyes . I glanced over my shoulder at the people around me . I could feel their stares . I could hear their whispers . They all knew . I glanced over at my aunt , Nica . She was crying her heart out . You would 've thought that she cared that much about her father . From all the tears , you wouldn 't think that she had been MIA until the last year of her father 's life . But I had been there . I had been the only one there with him . That 's why it had had to be me . Everyone knew that . They knew everything . I heard some whispering and looked over my shoulder to see a woman a couple rows back pointing to me and whispering to the woman beside her . I couldn 't take it anymore . I got up and walked out . Right when they were viewing the body . I went out to the hearse and cried . They all knew . All of the crying eyes and sympathetic faces in that room knew that John Cason had died with his hard old 70 - year - old dick buried deep inside of his granddaughter 's sweet little cunt . It was unbearable . I had to get out of there . I left the funeral walking . When I got home , I packed my bags and headed for the bus station . I didn 't even wait to say good - bye to Nica . As the bus pulled off , I sighed a sigh of relief . In a couple of minutes , it would all be behind me . The further away from it all I got , the better I felt . I took a deep breath and blew out all the negativity I had in me . I tried to clear my mind of all of it . But the more I tried , the more clearly I saw him , felt his massive dick stretching me beyond imagination , tasted the salty musty flavor of his cum in my mouth . I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head . They wouldn 't budge . I sat back and tried a different approach . I let the thoughts come . I sat back and thought over the years . Thought of all the times he had fucked me , all the ways , all the places . I thought back to the very first day I had come to liveOn the long drive to Georgia , we got to know each other . He told me all about the house we were going to be in , I told him all about the life I had had before him . " What 's your mother like now , " he asked me . " She 's probably nothing like the daughter you remember , " I told him . " She dresses really sexy . She has lots of boyfriends . Sometimes she 's so high that I don 't think she even knew she had a daughter . But she worships my older brothers . She gives them everything they want . Even me . " He did know . " Yeah , " I told him . " She knew . When it first started , I used to scream and cry and fight . I used to yell at the top of my lungs for her to come home and make them stop . Then one day , she did come home . When she walked in , Mon was fucking me in my ass and Kade had his dick in my mouth and I was crying like crazy . I thought she would make them stop . Instead , she and her friend sat down and watched . She told Kade and Mon to have fun with me . That that was what she had had me for . They even cheered them on . But what was worse is she took her pants off and made me eat her cunt while Kade and Mon fucked me . And then she let Mon fuck her right there in front of me . From then on , I just let them do it . There was no one to stop them . Sometimes , I would wake up , and she 'd be eating my cunt so that one of them could fuck me in my sleep . She loved to watch them fuck me . She let them do it in front of all of her friends . It was terrible . " Tears were streaming down my face . My grandfather reached over and wiped them away . " Well , don 't worry , " he told me . " That 's all over now . You 're with Grandpa and everything 's going to be different . " And it was . For the next couple of days , I was treated like a princess . We lived in a huge house out in the country far away from anything else . It had a pool , a gazebo , a glass house . Grandpa had even had a clubhouse built . He took me shopping everyday and bought me everything I wanted . We went out to eat every day for breakfast and every night for dinner . I met everyone in our small town and by the end of my first month there , I was well known as John 's little princess . Then things changed . It was the day of my fourteenth birthday . Grandpa threw me a big party and invited everyone in town . I was treated like a Princess all day . I got the best gifts , the nicest clothes , the works . When we got home , I got ready for bed and met Grandpa out in the glass house for cookies and milk . When I got out there , he was waiting in his P . J . s . I went and sat beside him . I gloated over my day . I told him I had never felt so important in my life . " That 's because you are important , " he said . " You are growing up now . You 're turning into a beautiful young lady . You have new friends . " I nodded , not really knowing what he meant . I didn 't care . I had had the perfect day . Nothing could ruin it . Even talk of a few new responsibilities . Then I felt Grandpa 's hand slide down my back and into my pajama pants . I jumped a little , but I remained still . Maybe he didn 't mean to do it . I felt his hands gently spreading my butt apart and touching my ass hole . Now I knew that he 'd meant to touch me . He kept talking . " I thought you said things were going to be different , " I told him , tears welling in my eyes . " I thought you said all of that was over . You promised that it would be different . " " They are , " he said , grabbing me by my waist . He turned me around to sit on his lap . I felt the bulge in his pants and jumped off of him with a little yelp . He sat me back down . " And wouldn 't you just hate to have all this stuff just disappear ? " His hand caressed my breast , gently pinching my nipple between his fingers . He leaned forward and kissed me on my neck as his other hand slid between my legs . " I would , but I thought you said it would be different . " " Yeah , " he said . " Everything in life has it 's price . All of the things you have now come with one , too . It 's not like you 'd be doing anything you weren 't used to . " I didn 't say anything . What choice did I have ? I couldn 't go back to foster care . I couldn 't go back home . Who was I supposed to tell ? Who would believe that good ol ' Mr . Johnny Cason would do anything like this to a granddaughter that he had did nothing but pamper since he 'd met her ? I had no other choice . I sat there on his lap and did nothing as his finger slid into my now wet little slit . " There , " he told me . " You 're doing good already . Just do what you know and it 'll all be alright . Your life will be peaches and cream from here on out . " Grandpa stood me up between his legs and pushed my pants down . Then he pulled me back on his lap facing him and put both my legs on either side of him . He moved his pants between my legs until he pulled out his huge , hard , as - thick - as - my - wrist dick . I jumped off of his lap . " What are you going to do with that , " I asked . " Oh , come on , " he said . " Don 't tell me you don 't know . " " Oh my . . . OW , " I moan - yelled . His dick stretched my pussy beyond beliefas he pushed it in slowly . He held onto me by my waist as he guided himself deeper and deeper into my body . I was frozen in disbelief . He pushed in until he was buried to the hilt in my warm tight body . " Just relax , " he told me as he stood there buried in me . " This is amazing . I 'm buried all the way up to my balls . How perfect is that ? You were made for me . We 're a perfect match . " He stood there for a second longer savoring the feeling of my tight warm wet pussy hugging every inch of him deep inside of me . Then he put both hands on my thick round ass and began to stroke in and out of me slowly . I moaned deep and loud as my pussy struggled to accumulate his size . He pushed my upper body down to bend lower so he could have better access to my pussy . My moans got deeper and louder as he went deeper into me . His pace quickened and his strokes deepened . I cried as I felt my body losing control . I closed my eyes and bit my lip and tried my best not to let my body enjoy what was happening to me , but before I knew it , I felt my pussy tighten and begin to quiver as an orgasm washed over me . " Oh , Baby , " I heard Grandpa moan out . Then I felt his body tighten as he shot spurt after spurt of thick hot sticky cum in me . He gripped my ass and stayed buried in me as we both yelled out our orgasms . I felt his cum fill me up to overflowing . It ran down my legs in hot streams until it pooled on the floor at the insides of my feet . I never thought it was possible for anyone to have that much cum . But it kept cumming . Even when I had come down from the high of my orgasm , his dick continued to spurt into me . I stood there impaled on the biggest dick I had ever seen in my life and prayed for it to hurry up and be over . When it finally was , Grandpa turned and sat down and held me on his lap . He was sweating and breathing hard over that twenty minute fuck like he had just ran a marathon . I felt him kiss me on my neck . Over the next few weeks , things were perfect . In the morning , Grandpa would have a beautiful breakfast waiting for me , followed by a day of shopping and fun , and whatever else I wanted to do . But at some point of every day , I paid for it . Grandpa loved fucking me . And I hated it . But what could I do ? He fucked me whenever he got the chance . Whether it was out back in the pool in the middle of the day , or in the foyer as soon as we came in the house . He had to have me . At any given moment , he needed to feel me squeezing him , holding him , sucking him , or touching him . It was like , he gave me everything I wanted and I gave him life . My pussy gave him comfort , gave him love . Whether he had me bent over the kitchen table shoving into my ass or on the dryer in the laundry room with my legs spread wide , he had to have me . I would wake up in the middle of the night to the feeling of him eating my pussy . Then he would fuck me over and over and over . One night , I lay on my bed and I heard him come in . I pretended to be sleep , hoping maybe he 'd leave . He got on my bed and pulled the covers off of me , revealing my naked body . I hadn 't had much use for wearing clothes much at any time of the day , so I just slept naked . Grandpa looked at me for a long time before he kissed my forehead , then my lips , then my neck , each of my breasts , then my stomach . He moved down and kissed the insides of each of my thighs , then my knees , and my feet . Then he pulled the cover back on me and left . It was then that I realized my Grandpa was in love with me . I wonered how many nights he had done that . How long he had such passion for me . I tried to brush it off , but it really disturbed me . " Damn , " I told myself . " He 's been fucking me for months but the thought of him being in love with me disturbs me . " A month later , school started back . I was so happy to finally be able to be around other kids my age . The moment I walked in , I was introduced by one of the girls whose father worked in town and from that moment on , I was popular . Everyone wanted to hang around me . I was beautiful , shapely , and mixed . But on top of that , my grandpa was one of the richest men in town . All the girls wanted to get close to me to see what my life was like . All the boys wanted to get close to me to see what was in my pants . Either way , I didn 't care . I was eating it up . By the end of the day , I was floating on Cloud Nine . My first day at school , and I was already the most popular girl there . When Grandpa picked me up , I told him all about my day . He listened intently to my going on and on about all the girls trying to get close to me and all the boys trying to talk to me . When we got in the house , I put my book bag down and turned to face my Grandpa only to see the face of a madman . He grabbed me by my neck and threw me against the wall . " I guess now you want to have a boyfriend , " he asked me sharply . " Well forget about it . You belong to me , now and forever . " He pushed my panties asided and shoved into me fast and hard . I yelled and struggled to get away from him . He was fucking me like a lunatic . He thrust into me hard and deep . He ripped open my uniform shirt , popping all my buttons and removed my titty from my bra . He sucked it sharply in his mouth and bit down on my nipple . I screamed out . I begged him to stop , hitting , pushing and screaming . He just kept fucking me , hard , deep , manic . He pulled out of me and turned me over and entered me from behind . I felt him flip my uniform skirt up so he could see himself pounding my pussy . Then he went at it . He fucked me ferouciously . I screamed as tears streamed down my face . He pounded my pussy with no mercy , causing my ass to ripple and my tits to jiggle beneath me . I caught a glimpes of him on a mirror on the wall and I didn 't even recognize the man that was fucking me . He continued beating into me , his balls tapping my clitty again and again until it caused me shudder in orgasm . I yelled out as I tightened around him . He pounded into me desperately and I felt him explode . He roared out his orgasm like a lion claiming his territory . He shot his load deep into me , filling me up with incestuous seed . I cried as he pulled out of me , my knees buckling from the orgasm , causing me to fall to the floor . I couldn 't do anything but cry . " Every day when you come in this house , you give me that pussy , " he yelled at me . " You give me MY pussy . Do you hear me ? " " Yes sir , " I told him through my tears . " Now go up to your room , " he told me . I ran up the stairs , feelings hurt and clothes ripped , crying . That night , I couldn 't sleep . I didn 't know what had posessed my Grandpa to fuck me like that . I was sitting there trying to figure it out when I heard my door open . I pretended to be sleep and I felt him come over and pull the covers off of me . He kissed every part of my body like he 'd done before , then he kissed my pussy . He kissed it as if he were apologizing to it . Then I felt him begin to eat me out . He slid his tongue ever so gently around my cunt , teasing my clitty , then he dipped inside . I tried my best not to moan from the sensation , but I couldn 't help but squirm a little . I hated that my body responded to him . He sucked , licked , and enjoyed my cunt until I couldn 't take anymore . I moaned out softly . He realized I was awake and went at it , sopping up the juice that was trickling down onto my lucious ass cheeks and dipping into my tight little ass hole . He ate me straight through one orgasm and into another . Then he climbed on top of me and pushed into me slowly . He fucked me gently , although deep and strong . He stroked into me over and over , deeper and deeper , until I came again . This time , he came with me . And when it was all over , Grandpa kissed me on my cheek , and left without a word . I woke up the next day with a new mind . There was a lovely breakfast waiting for me . I ate and left for school . When I got home , I went in the living room and turned on the TV . Grandpa cleared his throat . I looked at him . He was sitting on a chair with his dick laying limp from his pants . I knew what he wanted . I hesitated . I thought he would have let go what he had said the day before , but I could see he wasn 't as sorry as he had seemed when he was apologizing to my pussy last night . Nevertheless , he was my Grandpa , and I owed him the world . I stood up and took my panties off from beneath my skirt and walked over to him . I took his dick in my hands and began to stroke it before ta " Talk to me , " he told me . " Tell me it feels good . " " It feels so good , Grandpa . " My body was so hot . My titties were bouncing in Grandpa 's face . He squeezed my ass and rolled my hips around on his lap . " Oh , I love it when you fuck me , " I moaned . I was on edge . Grandpa raised up to meet my bouncing pussy . " You want me to shoot my cum into your tight wet little delicious pussy , don 't you ? " And he did . He buried himself in me and pumped his seed deep into my womb . As soon as I felt the heat inside my cunt , I went over . I held onto him as my pussy clutched his dick deep inside of me . I spasmed on his lap until we had both stopped cumming . I went to get up , and he held me still . " Sit here , " he told me . " See how wonderful your pussy is that it still holds onto my dick even after I 'm soft . " He laid my head down on his shoulder and rubbed my wavy hair . " Just think , " he said . " You think you have a good day being away from me at school , just think of doing this everyday when you get home . " I turned around and put my dripping cunt in his face . He ate me out , making me moan and spread my legs even wider . Then he stood up behind me , eased his massive dick back into me , and fucked the shit out of the pussy that was all his . Over the next few years , I remained my Grandpa 's sex princess . I say that , because , even though I was a slave to his desires , he always gave me everything I wanted . We fucked everyday , multiple times a day . Grandpa just couldn 't get enough of me . Who would 've knew that a man his age would have the stamina or the ability to fuck a teenager into cumming over and over again ? Grandpa would fuck me morning , noon , and night . During the summer and school holidays , I walked around the house practically naked . He insisted on this so he would have access to me anytime . I would be in the kitchen getting something to eat and he would just come in , dip his dick in something , and tell me to suck it off . And then he would cum in my mouth and tell me to swallow it . Sometimes , I would be just sitting in the living room and he would come in and lay me down on the couch and fuck me . I would be outside on the patio and he would lean me over the table and bury his dick to the hilt in my ass . By the time I turned 16 , I was sleeping in his bed . I had really filled out . My hips were curvy , my ass was thicker , rounder . And my tits had grown twice their size since I had come to live with Grandpa . My school and outside life seemed perfect . I was popular , active in school events and clubs . I had a couple of really close friends , but I could never have a boyfriend . I was too afraid that he might find out about me and Grandpa . And I had to call home before I ever brought anyone home to make sure Grandpa wouldn 't be sitting there with his dick out waiting for his " Princess " to come jump on it . By the way I looked and acted , no one could have ever suspected that I was my Grandpa 's fuck hole . But then things changed . Grandpa got older and his need for sex was less demanding . It got to where I could fuck him really good once a week , then just suck him off once or twice , and he 'd be fine . My life became almost normal . Then Grandpa got sick . That 's when my aunt , Nica , moved in . Nica was five ' eleven with long pretty legs , long black hair , and skin One day , during dinner , he whispered to me to go upstairs and put on a tennis skirt . I did . When we all went into the front room to watch TV , he called me over to sit on his lap . Grandpa 's chair was sort of behind where Nica was sitting , so she couldn 't see what we were doing unless she turned around . Nica used to fall asleep every night after dinner , so we both knew it was coming . At first , Grandpa just slid his hand under my skirt and fingered my clitty . I kept my eyes on Nica while he enjoyed my body . Being upset that he couldn 't do anything else , Grandpa told me to go get him a blanket . I did . Then I sat back on his lap and he put it on both of us . Since Nica could no longer see his hands , or my crotch , he went at it . He slid his finger into my cunt and fucked it in and out to get it wet while his other hand went under my shirt to my pert round titty . I squirmed and moved on his lap , trying not to moan . Nica laid her head back on the chair . Her eyes were getting heavy . Grandpa added two more fingers to the one fucking my pussy . I couldn 't help but let out a small moan . Nica looked over at us . Grandpa stopped . I played my moan out for a yawn and Nica bought it . Then Grandpa went back at it . He used his thumb to massage my clitty as his fingers worked in and out of my pussy . Nica 's eyes closed and Grandpa took his hands out of my cunt . He sat me up on his lap and put my legs on either side of him . I was still facing away from him so I could keep my eyes on Nica . He lifted me up and slid his dick front to back on my slit to wet the head . Then he parted my cunt lips and eased himself in . I moaned out under my breath as his wide shaft spread its way into me . When he was buried in me , he held me there , squeezing my ass cheeks and savoring the feeling of my body hugging him deep inside me . Then he pulled me back to him . He rubbed my sides as he nibbled my ear lobe and whispered in my ear . " You have the most beautiful and amazing body ever , " he told me . " Your ass is so juicy , but tight and firm . Your titties are like perfect little grapefruits . You are so perfect to me . " Then he put both hands on my waist and began to slowly raise me up and down the shaft of his dick . We both moaned . I held on to the sides of the chair for support as he dug his nails into my sides . He let go of my waists and I rode him like a pro . He moaned out loud . Nica shifted a little . I tried to stop riding , but I was too far gone . Grandpa squeezed , rubbed and caressed my titties as the room was filled with quiet whisper - moans . Grandpa held onto me for dear life as I rotated my pussy on him . My pace quickened as I felt my body heating up . I was losing control . Grandpa was , too . He held my waist up off of him and began to frantically bang my pussy from below . I yelped out of pleasure right when I felt myself start to cum . Grandpa banged my pussy once more before planting himself deep inside me and emptying his balls . Spurt after spurt of thick oozing cum leapt into me , filling me , covering my insides . When he was finished signing his name inside me , he held me there , both of us breathing hard and tired . To be funny , I tightened my pussy around Grandpa . He yelped out loud , rousing Nica . She looked over at us , saw me with my legs spread wide open over Grandpa 's lap and my shirt up to my neck , exposing my juicy round titties , then she turned her head and went back to sleep . After that , we had to be more careful . So careful till it got to where we were only fucking about once a month . I loved it , and therefore , I loved Nica . And Grandpa could only fuck me when Nica was gone , so , naturally , every time Nica went , I tried to be with her . We hung out and got really close . We did everything together . We went shopping . We went dancing . She even gave me my first alcoholic drink . But not fucking Grandpa actually had its toll on me . I was so used to getting fucked that I found myself horny all the time . I would retreat to my room and releive myself as often as possible . One day , I got an older girlfriend of mine to buy me a vibrator . When I got it home , I rushed to my room and went at it . When I felt myself about to cum , I instintively yelled out . " Are you fucking sick , " she asked . " I saw you , the whole time . I watched you in here fucking yourself with that damn thing . I have watched you a lot here lately . But you just screamed your Grandpa 's name in the middle of your orgasm . " I didn 't know what to say . I couldn 't say anything . I couldn 't tell her that her father had been fucking me since I was 14 . She 'd never believe that . So I stood there , naked , my own cunt juice making my leg sticky , and didn 't say anything . " Say something , " she yelled at me . I couldn 't . " Oh , you think it 's cute to fantasize about your family fucking you ? Well I 'm going to give your silly ass something to fantasize about . " She grabbed me by my shoulders and threw me back on the bed . She got on top of me and held my flaying hands down . I squirmed and tried to get away from her . She slapped me and told me to be still . I did . " So you want your grandpa to fuck you , huh , " she asked . " What do you want him to do ? You want him to kiss you like this ? " She kissed me in my mouth , deep and hard . I turned my head away from her sharply . She grabbed my face adn turned it back , kissing me again . Then she grabbed my nipple in her other hand and squeezed it hard before twisting it around in her hand . I felt her tongue going all around in my mouth as she put her hand between my leg and began to dryly fuck my cunt . Then she pulled away and knelt between my legs . " Nica , Please stop , " I begged her , crying . " I 'm sorry . I won 't do it again . " " Shut the fuck up , you fucking slut , " she told me . Then she began to eat my pussy . I squirmed to get away from her . She looped her arms around my thighs and held me in place . Then she dived into my cunt . She ate it ferociously . I felt my body heating up as the sensation became too much . " Look at you , slut , " she told me . " Your pussy got wet from your own aunt eating you out . Your slut little cunt is just begging me to fuck it . " " Nica , please , stop , " I screamed . " Not until I give you what you want , " she said . Then she got on the bed between my legs and kneeled . She unfastened her pants and shifted around . Then I understood . Why there had never been any pictures of her . Why I had never known of her until she came . She was a he . A beautiful he , but a he nonetheless . Before I could say anything else , Nica spread my legs and stuffed the head of her gigantic dick between my puffy cunt lips . She moaned and I screamed as she pushed into me . She spread my cunt open further than it had ever been spread before . She couldn 't help but moan as she forced herself into my tight hot body . " Nica , please stop , " I screamed . Then she went at it . She began to fuck in and out of my pussy hard and deep . I moaned out loud . I tried not to , but I couldn 't help it . She moaned , too . " Take it , you little slut , " she told me . " You better get used to it , too . Because I will fuck you every minute of every day for the rest of your life before I let you be a slut outside of this house . And with a cunt like yours , that might not be a bad idea . " Nica raped me mercilessly . It went on for hours . She fucked me on my back , from the side , from behind , in my ass , and every way possible until she was tired and I couldn 't possibly cum anymore . When she finally stopped , we lay there on my bed , breathless . " Don 't you ever let me hear you say anything like that again , " Nica told me as she got up and began putting her clothes on . " Okay , Nica , " I told her quietly . My cunt and ass were gaped open . My breath tasted musty from swallowing cum . I was sweaty and tired and I could hardly catch my breath . I did as she said . When I got in the tub , she walked into the bathroom and got in with me , her dick hanging limp . She sat behind me and brushed my hair . " I know , " I said . " A lot of little girls are led to a life of prostitution , drugs , violence and all , just for sex . I don 't want that to happen to you . " " I know how it sounds . I 'm a transvestite , and your aunt , but you are a very sexy young girl . You have the perfect shape . You are beautiful , popular . I mean , who in their right mind wouldn 't want to have sex with you , boy or girl ? " " I never would 've told you this if today hadn 't happened , " I told her . " But I fantasized about having sex with you , too . I mean , not like we did . But I had lesbian fantasies about you . And the fact that you used to be a boy , that 's only better . " Without another word , Nica kissed me . I kissed her back . I turned around and straddled her lap . We went at each other . I groped her wet slippery body . She caressed my ass . I stroked her dick before taking it in my mouth . I sucked her until she was hard , her hands caressing my back and neck , guiding my head . " Oh , Sweety , I need to be in you again , " she told me . I knew how she felt . I straddled her lap and guided her in me . Then I rode her , slowly . Passionately . The bathroom filled with exotic moans as we caressed and touched , stroked and kissed . My hair had gotten wet and both of our light brown bodies were glistening . We enjoyed each other . The first time I had ever enjoyed anybody . And it was great . The water sloshed around us as my pace quickened . I was making love to my aunt . I couldn 't get her deep enough in me . She grabbed me and held me to her as she came inside of me . I came , too . For the next couple of months , Nica and I couldn 't get enough of each other . We spent every day together , and spent every night making sweet passionate love . We 'd sneak out into my old clubhouse and fuck our hearts out . We did it in the glass house out back where it all started . We did it in changing rooms , the car , the gas station , in empty fields , the park at night , in the pool . Wherever we could get to each other . I loved the way she made me feel . I loved the way she knew all the right places to touch me . She knew all the right ways to fuck me . She made me know what my Grandpa felt for me . And she brought out a passion in me that I never knew existed . We fell in love . We vowed that when Grandpa died , we would move away to where no one knew us and live together as a couple . We were so in love . I felt so strongly for her . And every time I looked at her , I saw what she felt for me . My relationship with Grandpa had ceased to exist . He had gotten really sick and the doctor had given him a couple months to live . One day , while he was in his room , I heard him call for me . Nica was gone and I was the only one there . " Hey , Princess , " he said . " Come over here . Grandpa needs you to come ride his dick , Sweety . " I paused and thought of something to say . It had been almost a year since we had fucked and I belonged to Nica . She was the only one I would ever give myself to . But I went over to the bed anyway . I sat down beside Grandpa and took his hand . " You know , I 'm so glad you came to live with me . These last years have been the best of my life . You brought out a part of me that I never could get to . You gave me happiness . I know you didn 't want to , and that what I did to you was wrong , but I 'm still happy I had the chance to do it . The best moments of my life were spent between your legs . " I never wanted you to be unhappy . I always meant for you to have everything you ever wanted . You are my princess , and I want you to know that I always loved you . " I leaned over and gave him a hug . I had loved him , too , in a way . Because he was the only good I had known , even after the fact of us fucking . If things had been different , he would have been the perfect Grandfather . He " Grandpa 's going to die soon , " he told me . " Can I have just one last peice of Heaven before I burn in hell for eternity ? " I thought about what he had said and climbed up on the bed . I straddled him and grinded on him to get him hard . It took a while , but soon , he was standing tall and strong . I pulled my panties off and eased down the shaft of his dick . He grabbed my ass and bounced it on him while we both moaned in pleasure . " Oh , yes , " he moaned . " You never knew how good you made me feel . " " I know , " I told him , a tear rolling down my face . I rode him deep and slow . After a while , his grip on me loosened and his moaning stopped . I stopped riding and closed my eyes as tears streamed down my face . I felt his dick let go of the last drops of cum that it would ever hold inside of me . I started crying . I had mixed emotions . I didn 't know how to feel . I was happy that it was finally over , but I was sad that a life was gone . As I reached up to wipe my eyes , Grandpa 's bedroom door opened and Nica walked in with Grandpa 's doctor and three nurses . They all saw me there and stopped . I jumped off of Grandpa 's standing dick . They all saw it standing there high and proud , and they knew in an instant what was going on . After that day , people whispered about me , Nica stopped talking to me . I lost all of my friends . My world fell apart . Now here I was . On a bus to a new life with no money or friends . The bus came to a stop at the next pickup station . Everyone unloaded to take a bathroom break and to eat . The driver told us we would be pulling back out in an hour . I stepped off the bus and looked up - into a familiar face . Nica stood there , holding a book and smiling . " It 's Dad 's journal , " she said . " I read what he did to you . I read how he felt about you . I 'm sorry I didn 't ask any questions . I still love you . " " We 're not staying , " she said . " Dad left you everything , including the deed to the house and all of his property . Don 't you get it ? You 're rich . " I couldn 't believe my ears . I was rich . " Now where do you want to go , " Nica asked me . I shrugged . " Anywhere our hearts lead us . " Nica and I sold everything and moved west . We bought some land and had a house built and make made love all day and night . Who would 've knew a life of fucking my Grandpa would leave me filthy rich . I guess I finally paid all I owed . ; wild ; gives ; ; rulez ; |
For the first three days I luxuriated in doing nothing and let my mind go blank . I didn 't even explore the small town in which my beachfront hotel was located . I lay on the sand far from the water line , seldom venturing into the ocean , staying under the trees so as not to burn . We 'd had overcast skies since early fall , and the northern winter had left me very pale . I spoke to no one . I read , I slept , returned to the hotel for my meals , and went to bed early . I needed time to myself , time to do nothing . On my third morning there , I began to feel restless . I rented some scuba equipment and a boat and sailed out to a small island I had spotted on the horizon . I didn 't even ask its name . I went wearing only my swim trunks , a tee - shirt and a small hat with a visor , and took only a large beach towel , my book , sunscreen , a few pieces of fruit and two liter bottles of water . It was no doubt rash of me to dive alone , but I meant to hug the shoreline and figured the risk would not be much . The seabed there is sandy and not very deep . It did not take long to sail there , no more than twenty minutes , even in what was really not much more than a motorized rowboat . It reminded me how many little islands there were in addition to the bigger ones . I had let it slip my mind although I 'd seen them from the plane . I rounded the island , apparently uninhabited , and anchored in an empty cove that looked southwest over an endless expanse of ocean under a cloudless sky . It was as calm as a lagoon , and may have been one , though I passed no reef on the side from which I entered it . I took off my tee - shirt , checked my equipment one last time , sat balanced on the side for a moment , and flipped backward into the calm , shimmering water . The flat , sandy bottom , no more than ten or fifteen feet below the surface , was barren except for the occasional conch . Jutting out , a rocky promontory dense with vegetation formed the east end of the cove . If I were to find interesting underwater formations and marine life anywhere on this island , it would be there , and there I headed . As I approached the promontory the sandy bottom sloped more steeply toward the open water , and its foot was indeed cluttered with rock crusted over with the shells of tiny mollusks , and plenty of crevices to shelter the more timid creatures and hide their lurking predators . The land on the far side fell straight into the sea , and beyond it the ocean floor plunged sharply down some sixty feet or more , where a few hundred yards ahead of me a dense shoal of silver fish hovered in an immense wall between the bottom sand and the rippling surface . I swam cautiously to within a few feet of it so as not to disturb the fish in their dance , and held there treading water at a depth of about forty feet . The school suddenly became agitated and their motions erratic . Had they sensed a shark ? The wall divided in front of me and vanished in either direction , and I found myself face to face with another diver , a young man who had been watching them from the other side , treading water like myself and wearing nothing but his diving mask . His dive must have frightened them off . He could not have been there long without air . We were maybe six or eight yards apart . He was beautiful . Lean and muscular , his long , black hair adrift in the current , his sex wagging handsomely with the in - and - out movements of his arms and legs . The evenness of his tan showed that he was in the habit of diving nude , but he evidently had not expected to encounter another human being in that isolated spot , for he cast me what looked like a sheepish grin from behind his mask . He pointed to the surface . I looked up and saw the white hull of a boat , at least ten times larger than mine . Then he jerked his head upward with a slight shrug of his shoulders . An invitation ? I nodded , and he headed toward the surface just as the scattered shoal swirled back into place and reformed between us , closed like a gleaming silver curtain , and blocked him from my view . I had , as I 've said , spoken to no one except the hotel clerk , a couple of waiters and the owner of the boat rental since I got there . I felt more isolated suddenly cut off from him than I had sitting in my boat looking out over the ocean or swimming through the empty water along the sandy bottom of the cove , and for the first time since my arrival I felt the need for human conversation . I started back up wondering what was in store for me . A cocktail , a cup of coffee ? Had he come there alone or was his girlfriend also on board ? I imagined he would have slipped into a swimsuit by the time I got there . I didn 't even know what language he spoke . I surfaced some five or six yards from the boat and swam to the ladder that hung over the port side toward the stern . When I grabbed hold of it he reached a hand over to help me up . I 'd not been diving long and the oxygen tank was still fairly heavy . " Embarrassed me ? I 'd be diving naked too , but I was afraid there 'd be people at the beach when I got back to my boat . I 'm anchored in the cove on the other side of that headland . " " You never know . The last time I was here I fell asleep naked on the beach , and when I woke up two couples had set up their blanket not far from mine . The negative vibes were so strong that must have been what woke me up , but they could have gone anywhere . The whole beach was empty . " " It happens . Some people are jerks ; you can 't help running into ' em . So you had a bad experience on that beach ? When was that ? You come here often ? " " Not there , on another island chain a few years back . This is my first time here . I don 't get down to the Caribbean often . " " I 've been here quite a while . Staying at the resort , are you ? " He pointed toward shore . There was nothing there , of course . He meant my island , which you could see from the other side . He went on : " But as I was saying , some people are jerks . That 's why I dive in the inlet here . I prefer to be alone . It 's always empty , so it 's private and the fish don 't avoid the place . It 's a lot deeper here too , and the ocean floor is so much more interesting . You never know what you 'll run into . " I looked around . It was more an inlet than a cove , narrow and cut back a good quarter - mile into the island , with no beach at all . Just high rock face on all three sides , precipitous like the calanques east of Marseille , but only a fraction of their height . That early in the day the southern sun shone straight in and there was no shade to speak of . " Very private , " I said . " Then let 's get comfortable again . Can I get you something to drink ? There 's white wine in the cooler . Or would you prefer a martini ? Vodka . I don 't care for gin . " " White wine is fine , thank you . It 's way too early for a martini . I can 't risk spending too long in the altogether , though . You see how pale I am . " He was already buck naked before I finished speaking . " Catch ! " And he tossed me a bottle of sunscreen . " It 's strong - number 45 . You 'll be good for a few hours . " " Thanks . " I kicked off my trunks and started applying the sunscreen while he went into the cabin to pour our wine . Pale as I was and with my light brown hair already starting to bleach from the sun , I felt twice as naked as my host . " Then you 're lucky . Don 't cake your body with goop - rub it in . It 'll work just as well . Here , let me get your back . " He set the wine glasses down on a white wooden box built into the side of the boat . Ropes , I imagined , or safety gear . Then he extended his right hand , and I held out the lotion . He took it in his left and used his right to shake mine . " Robinson , " he introduced himself . I told him my name and turned my back to him . He placed a dab of the cream between my shoulder blades and nonchalantly drew it down my spine to just above my cleft . Then he spread it to the sides , working his way down and stopping just above my buttocks . " There . You 'll be fine . " He spread two towels side by side on the deck and placed the wine glasses next to them , inviting me to lie down with a sweep of his arm . I tried not to focus on his genitals , though I 'd seen him give mine the once over . His gaze took in everything when he looked at me , not just my face . " No , I 'd rather chat . " I 'm pretty particular about my music and had no way of knowing how his tastes would run . Tunes I don 't much care for can ruin an otherwise lovely get - together . " Why spoil the setting with a touch of civilization ? " I honestly don 't know why I didn 't respond to any of his openings - Lord knows he made enough of them - or how I kept from getting hard . The man was gorgeous . He must have had his suspicions , but with no encouragement from me he played it safe and let things stand . We sunned for over an hour , casually chatting . He lay on his back with his wine between us just above our heads , and he 'd look at me whenever he raised his body turned to take a sip , and may have at other times too . My eyes were closed to enjoy the warmth of the sun , but I could feel his stare . I also had the impression that his hand would now and then brush his penis ( brush , not stroke ) , but he may have only been readjusting his balls . I made a point of not looking . " Just a rented dinghy with an outboard . Barely enough room for myself and my gear . Can 't even stretch out in it . Shall we go for the fruit ? " " But you 'd rather hug the bottom , wouldn 't you ? And I don 't have an aqualung . I only snorkel . No , you go and bring your boat back here and we 'll tie it up to mine . I 'll stay here and hold the fort . " His English was amazingly fluid and idiomatic . Grammatical too , and barely a trace of an accent , with none of the lilt of the islands where he 'd learned it . At most an r that was not quite right or missing entirely and an occasional pure vowel in place of our American diphthongs . I liked his voice , but he would have sounded sexier with an accent . He turned to lift my oxygen tank and I stooped to put on my trunks . " Enjoy your swim , " he said . " No one will be there . " And I left them lying on the deck . When he fitted the tank on my shoulders , it hit me that his line about " hugging the bottom " could be taken as the position we would assume if we had sex . His delivery so flat that it went right over my head . Holding my nose with one hand and my mask in the other , I jumped feet first and bare - assed into the warm waters of the Caribbean . I wet the mask , put it on , took the mouthpiece between my teeth , did a showy surface dive , and set out . The shoal had disappeared and the deep inlet looked empty . I promised myself to explore it when I got back . Were there caves he could show me among the tumbled boulders where the seabed rose up as an island ? For now , though , I would not linger . I wanted to get to my boat and bring it back quickly . I felt stupid that I had pointedly ignored all his advances , and made up my mind to follow through if he should venture another , however cautious . I wondered whether in that last add - on of his , " And to explore " , he had intended a double meaning . Well , he would have to be less cautious than that ! I came to the surface as soon as I rounded the point . He was right ; the cove was empty . I swam the rest of the way under water , climbed into the dinghy , hoisted the rock anchor , and started the motor . His boat was gone , not even the trace of a wake in the inlet . He 'd left me high and dry without a stitch of clothing for below my waist . Revenge for my coyness ? If so , maybe I deserved it . I didn 't know whether or not he lived on the island where I was vacationing , or , if he did , if it was in the same little town as my resort . I doubted I would find him again . I was minus a bathing suit - no great loss - and he had rendered my return a bit awkward . I could deal with that . It was too early to be heading back . Half angry , half disappointed ( it was hard to tell which emotion was dominant ) , I set out to explore beneath the surface of the inlet on my own . It was a lonely swim . I kept imagining he would suddenly turn up in front of me as I had first seen him , beautifully naked and smiling sheepishly , embarrassed on account of his stunt this time , not at having been caught with his pants off . But he didn 't . It may have been because of his disappearance , but I felt less confident about diving alone now , more exposed to danger in the inlet , but without my trunks I would have felt more exposed in another way , and , as he 'd said , here there was a lot more to see . I wondered if the inlet had been formed by some underwater earthquake , it was so different from the neighboring cove . But I saw no fissure , found no caves - only mollusks , anemone , seaweed clinging to the rocks , and darting , rainbow - colored fish . Then the sparkle left the water , and I knew that the sun had moved and no longer shone on the inlet . It was time to go . The shoal had formed again , this time beneath my boat , and thicker than before . I waited for it to part , then swam straight into it . Did I expect to find him there ? Instead of scattering , the shoal closed in around me , absorbed me . They showed neither curiosity nor fear , nor did they come to nibble at me . They swirled around me indifferently , even brushing against me , but I was able to move among them in perfect freedom and did not feel trapped . On leaving , I passed the beach where I had first left my boat . Other people were now anchored there , a family of six with their dog and two couples who had come together . It struck me that , unlike me , all except the dog were wearing suits . For some reason I found that very funny , and I started to laugh . Walking suitless the long mile back to the resort did not pose a problem . I simply wrapped the towel around my waist like a sarong . It hung about three - quarters of the way down my shins and made me look conspicuous , but not very . Only the man who 'd rented me the boat took any notice . " Nice get up . Did you lose your suit or something ? " I asked the desk clerk , too . He hadn 't heard of him either . I half thought about going down to the marina to look for his boat . I was sure I could recognize it . But if neither of those two knew him he must live on some other island , who knows how far away . It didn 't occur to me to ask about his boat , Solitude I . I went to the hotel gift shop the next morning to find a replacement for the trunks I 'd left on the boat . Nothing there suited me ( so to speak ) . All they had were baggy suits that hung to the knees , every one of them in gaudy Hawaiian prints - palm trees , fish , etc . The salesman sensed my dissatisfaction and said , " If you can 't find anything you like try the Beach Shop . They have a much larger selection . " So I did . The chaos around me was bewildering . I felt as if I was in an overfilled garage desperately in need of a sorting through and throwing out . They should have moved at least some of it out front onto tables on the sidewalk during the day . A large woman of mixed race and equally indeterminate age sat crocheting on a high stool by the cash register behind the counter . No less jumbled than her store , her features combined traces of East and West Indian , African , Hispanic , something Middle Eastern , and perhaps a touch of Chinese , but she was fair - haired . Her wrinkles could easily have come from long exposure to the sun . Her skin was lighter than Robinson 's . " Then you need a man 's advice , " she said , and called out , " Tomás ! " Whereupon Robinson himself stepped out of the back storeroom . When he saw me he broke into a smile as sheepish as the one he gave me when we met underwater . " Back on the boat . Do you really want it ? I thought it was unbecoming and that you should get another , something that will show off your assets . " I wasn 't convinced by his explanation . His running off with my trunks was , I thought , another flirtation . " Then you should make me a gift of the new one , " I said . " You 're right . As soon as I sailed off I regretted having truncated …” ( he stressed the word almost imperceptibly ) “… what promised to turn into a rewarding friendship . But you have to let me choose it for you . " " Oh , the size is right . I know how you 're built . But you can try it on in the employee 's toilet if you like . There 's a mirror in there too . I 'll show you the way . " I showed him with a look that I would not follow him to the toilet . Here I was again , refusing his advances when I 'd promised myself not to . But there was that woman watching us from behind the cash register . " Of course not , but I may as well . No one else ever sets foot there . It 's not much of an island , just a speck really , but I live there whenever I don 't have to work . " " Concentrate on your sale , Tomás , " the owner cut in . " I don 't pay you to chat up your friends . " Did she know he was gay ? " Look , " he went on , " I don 't have time to describe it - the island , I mean : I 'm working . But I 'd like to take you there . If you like sun and surf with no clothes to get in the way , that 's the place to be . Will you come with me ? " ( He was really piling them on now . Daring , but all perfectly innocent . ) " Then I 'd love to go with you . " His face lit up . " But in return you have to let me buy you dinner at the hotel tonight . " They didn 't have much of a restaurant , but compared to the handful of fried fish stands along the main road it rated four stars . The beach shop was about a mile from my hotel , just beyond the marina at the far end of town . After that there were only a few widely spaced houses until the town evaporated altogether into the bush . I walked back along the dirt road carrying my gifts . There was no sidewalk . The sea lay to my right , out of sight behind the scrub - covered dunes . Here and there a narrow winding driveway leading to a hidden beach house cut into them . For the first quarter - mile small roads ran off to the left at right angles , lined with bungalow - like houses painted in peeling pastels with bright begonias clustered round them . Then came most of the shops - hardware , fishing tackle , souvenirs , a pharmacy - all on the left side facing the road with more houses behind them . Some people had set up tables to hawk chunks of coconut , pineapple wedges , and even hand - sculpted tortoise shells . It surprised me they would sell them so openly . I 'd thought they were protected . After the row of shops a large , barren square opened up to the left . That 's where the buses pulled in . It was covered with patches of coarse , unkempt grass and a fair amount of litter among the rutted tire tracks . On the far end of it and perpendicular to the main road stood a long , narrow , two - story building in whitewashed cement with a corrugated metal roof . The upper level , supported by iron poles , jutted out over the lower , which was set back along a raised cement walkway . The ground floor housed the tourist office , the post office and a grocery store . Above it was the police station , which you reached by a staircase at the far end . Beyond the square were more houses , then nothing for a few hundred yards till you reached the manicured lawn and palm - lined driveway of the resort . I 'd told him to come at seven - thirty . At a quarter past eight he still hadn 't showed . The insects came out , and the bats to feast on them . The waiter brought a mosquito coil and set it by my feet . I passed him the menu . I was curious to see what he liked beside crackers and alcohol . It would help me choose what food to bring on our trip . If I left it up to him we 'd end up very drunk and very hungry . There 's no worse hangover than the kind you have on an empty stomach . I wondered if these double meanings came naturally to him or if he was still uncertain that I had accepted his sexual invitation . " So tell me about your island , " I said . " What 's it called ? " We interrupted our conversation - our banter , I should say - so the waiter could take our order . Then I went on : " That reminds me . Am I to call you Robinson or Tomás ? " His answer was too much like a declaration of love for comfort . Not that I 'm afraid of love , but we hardly knew each other . " Hardly " is an understatement . We didn 't know each other at all . He knew less about me than I did of him , unless everything he had told me was a lie , which was quite possible . And then I saw the ambiguity in his answer , as ambiguous as everything else he said . Someone could have given him that name without his asking , a lover who 'd left him or whom he had left , or maybe one who died , or perhaps just a tourist he 'd picked up once , like myself . Whatever he said was double enough to be called duplicitous . Was he hinting at a commitment ? It was much too soon . Could he be that lonely ? Well , he had made that choice , not I . I put on a serious expression and said doubtfully , " Resorts in the Caribbean are expensive . " " Both . Are you worried I 'd maroon you when I had to work ? But I don 't have a house . Just a small room over the store . Comes with the job , rent free . It 's messy , I 'll admit . I don 't take as good care of it as I do the Solitude . " I was starting to see I 'd been wise to wait before acknowledging his come - ons . He might have jumped me right there in the boat . This way he knew there were limits he could test but not ignore . He pressed his knee against mine under the table . I did not withdraw my leg , but I didn 't return his pressure either . I could have slept with him that night if I wanted to , in his room or mine . As it turned out I could have had him even if he didn 't want it , he was so buzzed by the end of the meal . But he did want it . I didn 't . If we had sex I might wake up in the morning and find he had vanished again . Better to wait - I wanted to see his island . " To the island ? No . I 've built a shelter there , a lean - to , and I have blankets and things like that in a plastic storage bin . " I spent the next two days wandering the beach in my new rust - colored Speedo trying to develop a decent tan . Too restless to lie out by the resort , I took long walks to have a look at the beach bungalows . Most of them were ramshackle wooden affairs , half - hidden in the dunes . A few had low fences to warn trespassers off their little stretch of sand , but these did not get in the way since none of the properties came at all close to the water . There were a fair number of people on the beach , playing paddle - ball , splashing around , listening to their radios , grilling fish . I did not see Robinson . On the day of our trip he came to my hotel at daybreak and had the desk call my room to wake me . I could not imagine that someone who no doubt had had his fair share of alcohol the night before would be such an early riser . Not that he was a lush . For all he had drunk at dinner the other evening , his speech never slurred , his sexual innuendos never wavered , and he walked out of the restaurant without staggering , although he took a moment to steady himself against the table when he got up to leave . Luckily I had shopped for food the day before , splurging on three bottles of not very good wine - I had no idea how expensive it was ! - and got my stuff together before I went to bed , but I still had to shower , and I wanted breakfast . " I 'll be down soon , " I told him . " I just have to hop in the shower and shave . It won 't take long . " If he came up we wouldn 't set out for another two hours at least ( admittedly a very pleasurable two hours ) and I 'd miss breakfast . " I won 't be but a minute . Why don 't wait you for me in the coffee shop and order us breakfast instead ? " " Well , I do . Ask them to have my usual breakfast ready when I join you about fifteen minutes from now . Have them charge it to my room . " I was getting into the shower when the phone rang again . It hit me immediately what it must be . The coffee shop wouldn 't open for another hour . I ignored the call , put up coffee in the electric maker that came with the room , and stepped into the shower . He would not let me wait for the coffee shop to open . I could eat on the boat , bread and cheese with the coffee I had made in my room and poured into a thermos . We sailed out of the marina a little after seven . My bathing trunks lay neatly folded on the built - in storage box . I more than half expected him to rip off his clothes as soon as we reached open water , but he only kicked off his shoes and socks . I watched him from the deck as he stood at the wheel in his white shorts and short - sleeved shirt , a white captain 's cap on his head . And he was wearing a watch . He was right . With no view of the compass I had no idea where we were headed nor any way of taking our bearings . If I had to steer by the sun and stars I 'd be lost . It took us nearly three hours to reach his island . No wonder he wanted to get such an early start ! In the beginning we passed dozens of small islands , most of them flat and apparently uninhabited , though there may have been homes built on some of them . They were too distant for me to make out details like that ; he kept well out to open sea . As we approached the end of our trip there was not an island in sight . I knew we had reached the island when for the first time he headed straight toward land . We pulled around a reef to anchor along a beachless section of the shore . As far as I could see , there was no spot suitable for camping . " We hike to the lean - to , " he said . " It 's not far . I built it just above a nice stretch of beach , but I always leave my boat here . It 's more sheltered . " " No , rum . It fits the castaway scenario better , and it 's a hell of a lot cheaper too . Okay , time to get undressed . From here on no more than flip - flops for the walk and a tee - shirt in case you need to protect your back from the sun . " We pulled the raft up above the high - water line , put on our backpacks and headed up a steep rise . At the top we turned to the right and followed a natural path back down to the beach , about three - quarters of a mile from where we 'd cast anchor . I felt not a breath of wind on the island , though it had been blowing pretty strongly on the open sea , and if you looked back you saw the water far out was choppy . The vegetation was fairly thick , but not high . There were even a few trees . I wondered if we 'd be doing some hiking around the island . " Nothing much to see , " he said . " If you look out from the highest point there 's nothing but empty ocean on all sides , and the island itself is just as empty . Why bother ? " However , by the time I left I had walked every inch of it . We spent the day snorkeling , splashing around in the ocean , and of course drinking . We wrestled a bit in the surf , but he made no advances , paid no attention to my body , and kept his speech free of the sexual innuendo to which I had become accustomed . Had I misjudged him , or was it his turn to tease me ? If so , I deserved it . Now it was my turn to be wary . I touched my lips to his , our mouths opened and locked on each other , we pressed tight against each other and explored what we had ogled five days before with free - roaming hands . I moved my mouth slowly down his body and buried it against the hardness between his legs . I tasted its sweetness . He sighed , moaned , and writhed , stroking my hair all the while . " Take me , " he whispered . And I did . I woke when the sun was already fairly high in the sky . He was not with me . I looked at my watch . A little after eight o ' clock . Well , I knew him to be an early riser . I stumbled out of the lean - to rubbing the sleep from my eyes , expecting to find him on the beach or in the water . No sign of him . Off for a stroll ? I called out , " Robinson ! " The coffee was made , I was sipping it , and he still hadn 't returned . It suddenly occurred to me that he could have taken off in the boat and left me stranded . He 'd done something like that before . How many days till his next two days off in a row ? Was there enough food and water ? I wouldn 't lack for liquor , that much was certain , but I 'd miss my plane and not get back in time for next semester . Was this his way of keeping me with him ? Or had he left me the life raft and a paddle ? Some good it would do me ! I had no idea where I was . My heart pounding , I ran to where we 'd anchored , as sure that I 'd find the boat gone as I 'd felt certain of waking up next to him , but it was not . The life raft was also where we 'd left it . I cupped my hands around my mouth and called out to the boat , but no one appeared on deck , so I swam out to have a look . It was empty . I now found myself between the horns of a dilemma . If I left the boat and went to look for him he was perfectly capable of taking off in it and abandoning me for real , but I would maroon him if I left without him . So I sat there . After half an hour I realized that sitting in an empty boat was a ridiculous way to spend a lovely day on an uninhabited island . He 'd probably returned to the lean - to and was wondering what had become of me . So I went back . He wasn 't there . I set out to comb every inch of the island . It took me over two hours , and I couldn 't find a trace of him . He 'd been right to say there wasn 't much to see . Just some short cactus and palmetto here and there in the coarse grass and some yellow flowers . No animal life to speak of except for a frog or two , scurrying lizards and land crabs , a few abandoned bird 's nests , and of course the insects . No gnats or mosquitoes to annoy me . What would they have fed on ? By now he could easily have assumed I 'd disappeared and set off back to the resort town . I couldn 't decide where to go first , the boat or the lean - to . I climbed a small rise and saw the boat still anchored inside the reef , and headed back to the lean - to . No Robinson . Only then did I notice that his snorkel was gone and see the trail of footprints leading into the water , no footprints heading back . It suddenly struck me that he had drowned . Or maybe he 'd been killed by a shark . No , not that . If he 'd been the victim of a shark attack some of him would have washed up on shore , a reassuring thought that made me shudder . I returned to the lean - to and called for him again , just in case he was playing games , though I didn 't believe he was . " Robinson ! I 'm leaving ! Come out of your damned hiding place or you 'll be stuck here ! " Then I waited a while longer , collected my stuff , and went back to the boat . Once on board I got back into my clothes . I checked the radio and it worked . Then realized I had another problem . I didn 't know the first thing about driving a boat this size . I wasn 't even sure one " drove " boats . I hoped there was an owner 's manual somewhere . It took me over an hour to find and was so thick I was sure I 'd need a week to read it . Trying to stick to the essentials , the first thing I learned was that it wouldn 't start without a key . I checked the pockets of the clothes he had left in the cabin . It wasn 't in them . I went back to the abandoned lean - to . Just seeing it in the distance depressed me . For some reason , being dressed only made it worse . Sooner than approach it , I called for him again and again . I forced myself to go there and rummaged through his backpack . I had to dump it out on the blanket , but I did find a set of house keys and something that looked as if it might fit the ignition of a boat on the same ring . I slipped it in my pocket and stood up to leave . Then I fell to my knees on the blanket and wept . It was late afternoon by the time I was ready to sail for home . I had at most two hours of daylight left . Should I risk sailing the hour or so in the dark ? I wondered if I went back and slept one more night in the lean - to if I 'd feel him slip under the covers next to me in the middle of the night . But I knew he wouldn 't , and decided to chance the trip . I carefully steered out from behind the reef and sailed straight out to sea . I didn 't try the radio until I 'd lost sight of the island . It didn 't take long to contact someone . He somehow managed to pinpoint where I was and talked me back to where I wanted to go , my eyes glued to the compass . With my inexperience the return trip was slow going , and I didn 't reach the marina until ten at night . Only then did I report Robinson 's disappearance , but I identified him as Tomás . The night watchman would not let me leave the marina , and sent me back to the boat to wait for the police . They took their time in coming , questioned me at length , took down my statement , then drove me back to the hotel for the night , but would not let me remove anything from the boat , not even my own belongings . They told me to come to the station to sign my statement first thing in the morning . I asked them to be more specific and found out that " the first thing in the morning " meant ten o ' clock . I dreamed about Robinson that night . He was naked , as I had first seen him , five fathoms down , but dead , suspended in the water , his buoyant arms extended to the side and floating at shoulder level , his eyes vacant . The blue , sunlit water sparkled , and yet it was not quite clear . It looked thick , like a gauze shroud , and when I tried to swim to him the water resisted the pull of my arms and I made no progress . I , too , was naked , and had no scuba gear . I felt the need to surface ; I couldn 't breathe . And as I headed upward , the shoal of silver fish returned and started nibbling at his corpse . I woke up unable to breathe . Sweat dripped from my body and I felt icy cold . I would have the same or similar dreams many times for the next few months . When I went to sign my statement , the officer in charge asked to see my passport and airline tickets . I had to go back to the hotel to get them . He thumbed through them , read them carefully several times , then looked up at me in consternation and said , " But you 're leaving tomorrow ! " " But you can 't leave until after the investigation ! It shouldn 't take long ; the case is clear enough . But I 'm afraid you 'll have to stay here until it 's over , and of course we won 't be able to start right away . Tomorrow is Sunday . " " Not at all . We 've been expecting something like this . Tomás always went diving alone . It was bound to happen . The only surprise is that he had someone there with him so we know where it was . We thought we 'd just find his boat , or not even that . Nobody knew where he went . " " You see , you 're the only material witness we have . We can 't possibly allow you to leave until we 've finished the investigation . Then we 'll arrange for your return home and the government will pay whatever extra cost is incurred for changing your flight . " ( It didn 't . ) I used my credit card to replace the toiletries I could not take off the boat . Fortunately , I had left the rust - colored Speedo he 'd given me in my room - what would I have used it for on the island ? - so I didn 't need to purchase another bathing suit . Then I phoned my school and explained the situation to them . I guessed I would have to miss the first week of classes . There wasn 't much they could do except ask me to keep them informed . A professional investigator was sent in from the capital . Unnecessarily extravagant , I thought , for a case as cut and dried as this . He arrived Monday evening and began his investigation the next day . A little more paperwork was required to make my statement a sworn statement . Then , much to my surprise , he questioned me at great length about myself , nothing even remotely connected to Robinson , after which he asked me to return the next day for further questioning . But first I was to accompany him to Mr . Sextafeira 's lodgings to be present at the search . She led up a flight of stairs behind her store and let us into his room . The investigator immediately began asking me where Mr . Sextafeira kept various things . Juana started explaining that I 'd never been there before , and the investigator sent her away so that I would answer the questions . " But I don 't know where it is . He took me there , that 's all . I 'm not even sure it has a name . " " To whom ? I didn 't know how to contact this island . I was lucky enough to find someone at random to help me . I don 't even know where the guy lives . I don 't think he lives here . " So now we could go to the island , which turned out to have a name after all : Altozano Cay . In the meantime he continued to question me about our trip . What were we doing on the island ? We returned to the island accompanied by a search party and the two dogs , who started barking as soon as we reached the shore where we 'd beached the inflatable . They dragged us straight to the lean - to , sniffing all the way , very proud to have discovered this gold mine of Robinson 's scent . But of course there was no Robinson . They went sniffing up and down the beach as far as the water , wagging their tails the whole time . By now the sand had covered his footprints . I showed the detectives where they 'd been . It was easy enough ; the dogs ' had simply replaced them . We spent hours combing the rest of the island , but the dogs didn 't pick up his scent anywhere and kept wanting to return to our campsite . We left his belongings where they were and sailed back to town . The investigator asked me to come by the next morning at ten to make a final statement , after which he would arrange for my flight home . My so - called final statement turned out to be a two - hour interrogation about Robinson , his family , his life story , his likes and dislikes , his medical history ( including allergies and dentition ) , etc . I knew absolutely nothing about him except that he liked alcohol , not even his age , but the investigator ran through the whole list of questions , returning to some of them a second or third time , perhaps to trip me up . " I thought you were his friend , " he said doubtfully . Before he would give me the backpack , he rifled through it on the deck of the Solitude and made an itemized list of its contents , dictating a detailed description of absolutely everything to one of the policemen who accompanied us . We were about to go when I noticed my trunks lying on the storage box . " That too , " I said . " This changes everything . " And out of the blue he suggested that I had raped Robinson and then murdered him to cover up my crime . We would return to the island , this time with chemicals used to check for blood , and they would drag the entire shoreline and send divers snooping around it for a radius of two miles . I was stunned and broke out into a cold sweat . " That 's absurd … " I began , but my fright only lasted a few seconds . The local policemen burst out laughing and one of them said , " That wouldn 't have been necessary . Tomás liked men . " In the weeks following my return , my recurring dream gradually softened and became almost happy . I no longer woke up in terror , but filled with melancholy and nostalgia . Still , the incident had been a shock to my system , and my work suffered for it . Other elements crept into my dream ( I was preparing to teach The Tempest later that semester ) , and eventually we traded places , Robinson becoming Ariel to my Ferdinand . He would save me from drowning and bring me unconscious to the beach , where he nursed me , making love to me as I had to him and covering my body with kisses . A split second after I woke he would vanish , and I would search the island for him , sometimes with yapping dogs on a leash , sometimes following a mysterious , alien music played on a flute - like instrument or his ditty from Act V : " Where the bee sucks … " By the time we got to the play my take on Shakespeare 's drama had taken such an odd turn that my students must have wondered what the hell I was talking about . Some of its incarnations were truly bizarre . Juana would appear as Prospero and berate Robinson for seducing me when he had been ordered to rescue me for her daughter . Once the investigator showed up as Caliban . But my dream always began with our meeting in the water , surrounded by the swirling shoal of silver fish . I dashed off a letter pointing out the absurdity of the charges . I had not stolen his boat ; I had returned with it immediately . They knew very well I had not marooned him . They had searched the Cay themselves for a full day with the help of scent dogs . But I was happy to learn that Mr . Sextafeira was still alive and would be glad to know where he had been all this time . I had no intention of complying with their subpoena . To the best of my knowledge , we had no extradition agreement with the island . Before I sent the letter , however , I thought I had better check that out , and I contacted my lawyer . He found my story extremely curious . ( I was so used to it by then that it seemed perfectly normal to me . ) I was right . No extradition agreement existed and I should under no circumstances honor their request that I return . He was more concerned about their laws regarding homosexuality , which he had not looked into , than he was about the charges themselves . He declared my letter satisfactory , but thought it would be better to recast it as if it came from him , and he sent it to the official who had written me , with a cc : to the American consulate . I did not hear from my lawyer for over a month . Then he called to tell me that " inasmuch as Mr . Sextafeira had stubbornly refused to press charges despite repeated urging " by an unnamed government investigator ( " Caliban , " I thought ) , the case against me had been dropped . I could safely return to the island , he said , if I wished to do so . A soft parcel wrapped in brown paper arrived a few weeks later . My bathing trunks . In it I found a note written in a hand I had seen only once before : Everyone here is making such a big fuss over my little prank that I 've made up my mind to move , maybe to M … . . , though it 's almost twice as long a sail to our [ sic ! ] island . They even wanted me to prosecute you for stealing my boat ! Can you imagine ? I 'll write again to let you know once I 'm set up there or somewhere else . I hope you 'll be more lenient with the jokester you made love to and will come stay with me on your next vacation , on every vacation . Travel agents will not be able to find it . You 'll need to fly into San J … . . , take a bus to the marina in Las P … . . , where you can catch a 2 - engine prop to Isla V … . . ( You may need to stay overnight . ) From there you take a ferry to F … . . , where you 'll find me waiting for you in the Solitude . - R . I can easily imagine spending six hours in a jet , followed by an interminable , hot , bouncing bus ride with sweaty people packed all around me , staying the night in a cheap hotel , then another two air - sickening hours in a seaplane , another overnight , and a long ferry ride to find no one waiting for me in the marina of some God - forsaken island in the middle of nowhere . But I 'll probably go anyway ; don 't ask me why . Curiosity ? the lure of adventure ? addiction ? ( There 's no denying the man is beautiful . ) I can 't help myself . Recent Comments jaymountney on Little Boy Blue - by Ale … buffalotompeabody on Issue 18 is live ! Issue 19 is up ! Merr … on Issue 19 is up ! Merry Chr … Henry James on Issue 19 is up ! Merry Chr … iameverywhere1 on Issue 17 is up ! SURPRISE Cover Revea … on Rainbow awardsnickthiwerspoon on Ruth Simsnickthiwerspoon on The Queen City Players Pr … Vraiment génial on The Queen City Players Pr … fantasme on Our latest issue is live ! Top Posts & Pages The Male Nurse How to Turn a Straight Woman into a Gay Man , an Essay Submissions Archives March 2017 ( c ) 2017 , Livingston Woolf . In my teens , my parents dragged me from specialist to specialist . They were ashamed of my " perversion " as my enlightened father called it . Ultimately , they dragged me to an endocrinologist who put me through a battery of tests . Mom and dad were shocked when they heard the doctor 's report " There 's an [ … ] ( c ) 2017 , Michael Ampersant This wasn 't my first time , not even in Florence , but it 's my shtick , if you will . I 've taken up position on the steps of the Loggia della Signoria , squatting between the statues of Cellini 's Perseus and Fedi 's Rape of the Polyxena . I 'm not a prostitute , but I 'm a slut with [ … ] ( c ) 2017 , Andre DeCuir When Brendan was 16 , his parents got divorced and sent him to therapy . He saw Dr . Bill for about a year and then stopped , maybe because his mother got tired of being the only one to take him there . Brendan 's father moved into a trailer park along the Baton Rouge highway , [… ] |
So I get to go through the oral surgery and the recovery on my own . And I 'm not happy about that . But it is what it is . I 've been dealing with my PTSD , my anxiety , and being pretty much on my own , for a long time . So I have a lot of coping skills . I can spend a lot of time and energy being upset that one of those coping skills is not having a friend to go with me or I can channel that energy toward using my other coping skills . Guess which is going to be most helpful ? Use my weighted blanket . The half - sized one I just finished making yesterday . It 's pretty . It 's so soft . And it only weighs about ten pounds so I can carry it to the dentist with me , unlike my full - sized weighted blanket , which I love , but it weighs about 20 pounds so it 's all I can do to drag it from the living room to the bedroom when I need to . Repetition . I learned this from a book , a work of fiction by Abagail Padget , to be precise . She wrote several mysteries ( I wish she 'd write more ) in which the main character was a social work for child protective services who happened to have bipolar disorder . When she was stressed and needed to distract herself from the emotional distress and calm herself down , she would recite the names and dates of old shipwrecks . Once when she was working with a teenager with emotional problems , she taught the teen to recite the states and their capitals . I can do the states and their capitals , or I can do the multiplication tables , and it works pretty well . Gives me something to focus on other than my emotions . I can consciously tell myself to relax and focus on relaxing my various muscle groups . Scent works for me sometimes , too . I will spray my weighted blanket with lavender water before I leave for the dentist . It will help combat that " dentist office smell , " too . I am a mess not only because I have to have oral surgery but also because a friend was supposed to be going with me and at the last minute , like 10 : 00 last night , told me he can 't make it . I had known there was a slight possibility ( I thought it was slight , anyway ) that he would not be able to go to the appointment with me , but he had said that if he couldn 't do that , he would be here afterwards . And now he 's not coming at all . My feelings are hurt . I also feel angry at myself , for counting on someone . I should have known I 'd be doing this alone , like I do most things in my life alone . I could have scheduled the dog walker to come take Isaac out this afternoon , or I even thought about asking my neighbor if he would be willing to walk Isaac later , in case I am in a lot of pain or doped up on pain pills or something . But I didn 't , because I was counting on my friend to be here . That was stupid on my part and a mistake I won 't make again . I can get through this by myself . I 've gotten through harder things by myself . When I had my breast biopsy in May , a friend drove me to the hospital and drove me home , but left very soon after that . I was alone after that . I took care of Isaac , took care of myself . That was worse than getting a tooth extracted , right ? So I can do it . I 'm just sad that I have to do it alone . I had hoped that my service dog would sleep with me at night but Isaac does not . Well , he does every great once in a while . But not often . He is super snuggly during the day but I thought he just liked a lot of room at night when he was sleeping . My feelings are not hurt by that . I am thinking I must still be really restless in my sleep . I know I used to be but I had thought that had gotten better . Like , I used to wake up screaming often but I very rarely do that now . But I also know sometimes Mike would tell me I was screaming in my sleep but I didn 't wake up doing it and I would never have known if he hadn 't told me the next morning . I also know sometimes I would wake up hitting or kicking him . And I used to wake up kicking the cats off the bed sometimes . For a long time Cayenne refused to sleep with me because I 'd kicked her off the bed too many times . I had assumed I didn 't do that so much anymore , but I usually sleep alone these days , so maybe I do and just don 't know it because there is no one to tell me about it in the morning . I am a lazy service dog owner . What I am lazy about , specifically , is training my service dog . Which is why I wanted a fully trained dog from a program , but here is what I have figured out . Even a fully trained dog from a program needs ongoing training . Without practice , he gets lazy . Without practice , his skills get rusty . And no matter how much training he 's had , there are always new things that will come up . Here is an example , the example , in fact , that led me to this conclusion . Someone I know is in the process of training her own service dog . The dog is maybe 15 months old now , not fully trained , but getting close . She 's had him , and been training him , since he was eight weeks old . She has a lot of experience training working dogs and has owned service dogs before , so she 's very qualified to train her own service dog ( something I am definitely not qualified to do ) . She said that the other day , she went to a picnic with her dog . She noticed a paper napkin with barbeque sauce on it on the ground under one of the picnic tables . She knows that her dog likes to eat paper napkins , whether or not they have sauce on them . In that situation , I would have chosen a seat far away from the napkin , so my dog would not be tempted by it . I mean , Isaac has no interest in eating napkins , but if he did , I would have sat far away from it . If no seats were available far away from the napkin , I probably would have picked it up and disposed of it so that I would not have to worry about Isaac eating it while I was eating my lunch . This person , much more experienced with service dogs and not as lazy as I am , chose to sit right by the napkin . She wanted to give her dog the opportunity to learn , and practice , not eating napkins , no matter how tempting they might be . Yes , she had to pay attention to what her dog was doing while she ate her own lunch and she had to remind him a few times not to eat the napkin . But in the future , when she is busy with something really important , she will not have to worry about her dog eating a dropped napkin , because she knows he has been trained really well not to do that . Isaac 's fundraiser was three days ago and I think it went well . I still don 't know how much money was raised . They didn 't give me the money at the fundraiser and I don 't think they 'd counted it yet , either . I 'm not sure if they plan to give the money to me directly or send it to Isaac 's program . Either is fine , but I 'm curious to know how much was raised . If I don 't hear from the pastor in a few days , I will give her a call . I ended up taking Isaac . I wasn 't sure I was going to because of his ankle but I really wanted to have him there . I thought it would encourage people to donate more . And he had not been limping for a few days by then , so I thought he was OK to go . Before the fundraising lunch , we attended church . The pews were very close together and Isaac did not want to go between them . Instead , he wanted to sprawl out in the aisle . I told him that was not going to work and that he needed to go between the pews . Once he lay down , he had plenty of room , it was just crowded while he was standing up . " For doing what ? " I asked . I wondered if she meant that she admired me for attending church but that didn 't seem to make much sense . " For taking care of those puppies , " she said , nodding at Isaac . Then I realized she thought I was a puppy raiser or maybe that I was training Isaac , as in training him for someone with a disability . " He 's in the training phase , isn 't he ? " she asked . " No , " I said . " He 's fully trained . " That 's my standard answer when people ask if I am training him but I decided to give her a little more information . " He is my service dog , " I said . She just looked confused . So then the service started and Isaac sprawled out under my feet and partly under the pew in front of me and dozed until it was time to talk to the kids . See , at this church , they do a Children 's Time near the beginning of each service . The kids are invited up to the front and the pastor talks to them for a few minutes about something before they are dismissed to go to Children 's Church . Only this day , Isaac and I were talking to them instead of the pastor . So we went up to the front and I sat on a low stool and Isaac sat in front of me and the kids ( about a dozen of them ) sat in a semi - circle in front of us . I asked the kids if any of them knew what a service dog was and a couple kids raised their hands . I asked one girl what it was and she said they do things like guide blind people . I said yes , exactly , and they help people with other disabilities , too , and gave a bunch of examples . I also told them some of the tasks Isaac does for me and I made sure to point out that you can 't always tell if someone has a disability just by looking at them . I told them how long it takes to train a service dog and that usually they can tell if a dog is a service dog because it will usually be wearing a vest like Isaac 's , although some service dogs don 't wear vests and they don 't have to . I explained how Isaac knows he is working when he has on his vest and that he behaves differently when he is working than when he 's not , kind of like they behave differently at school than when they are playing around at home or out in the back yard . Then I asked one of the kids to read the patch on Isaac 's vest , which says , " Please do not pet me , I 'm working . " I asked them why they thought it was important not to pet a service dog when it was working and not to talk to the dog or otherwise distract it . The kids were easily able to grasp the fact that a service dog needs to pay attention to its job . I asked what they thought might happen if a service dog was guiding a blind person and the dog got distracted and they said well , the person might get hurt or fall down or run into something . I also asked them what would happen if they were at school doing their math problems and someone came up to them and started petting them and talking to them . Would they be able to concentrate on their work ? They laughed and said of course not . I did allow them to pet Isaac at the end of our little talk and Isaac was in doggie heaven . First he lay down , then he rolled onto his side , then he rolled onto his back and stretched out as long as possible , with a dozen kids all rubbing his belly at the same time . His eyes were rolled back in his head and his tongue was hanging out the side of his mouth . He was loving it . The rest of the service went well and so did the lunch that followed . They had a bunch of sandwich fixings , baked beans , pasta salad , potato chips , and a variety of homemade desserts . I chatted with people about service dogs and about dogs in general during the meal . People seemed to want to tell me about their pet dogs ; many of them had pet labs . The ankle is healing well . There is still a little bit of swelling , though . The vet said to go ahead and stop the anti - inflammatory medication and see how he does . He is allowed to increase his activity level , but slowly . So we can take a rather short walk this evening , but he cannot go for a run yet , or to the dog park , or work . Today I moved the couch to get Cayenne out from under it . It had been almost 24 hours since I 'd seen her and almost 36 hours since she 'd had anything at all to eat or drink , so I was worried . I was kinda scared she was no longer alive under there , to be honest . So I dragged the couch out from the wall and turned it on its side so I could get to her . She was very much alive , thank goddess . She looked a bit annoyed that I was disturbing her . She jumped up on the back of the couch , which is now the top since it 's on its side , and let me pet her . I got her to eat a little canned food and she also ate a few tiny bites of cut up hot dog . She had peed and pooped under the couch ( I guess that 's good , right ? At least her kidneys and intestines are still working ) , so I cleaned that up . I want to vacuum back there , too , but haven 't done that yet because I know the noise of the vacuum bothers her . I decided to go out and buy some baby food for her . Last summer when she was really sick and refusing to eat , the thing I was finally able to get her to eat was some disgusting chicken and gravy baby food . I can 't believe how stinky that stuff was . I can 't believe people actually feed it to their babies . But Cayenne really liked it so I got a couple jars for her . When I got home , I saw that she 'd eaten some more of the canned cat food and she was on the window ledge , drinking some water . So I feel good about that . I guess she 's going to be with me a little longer . Earlier today , before I moved the couch , I was at the dollar store picking up some dog treats for Isaac and a couple other things , and while I was in the pet supplies aisle , I thought that maybe I should pick up some canned food for Cayenne . Then I thought , Cayenne might not be around long enough to need more cat food . I still have a few cans at home . It was all I could do not to start crying in the store when I thought that . I did cry once I got back to my car . I know she 's not going to be here forever . She is about 14 years old now , and she is diabetic and has cancer and is losing interest in food . It probably will not be much longer . But I 'm not ready . I 'm not ready to lose her . I know whether or not I 'm ready doesn 't matter , and anyway , are we ever really ready to lose someone we love ? But I 'm not ready . Oh . And now my couch is turned on its side , so I can 't sit on it . I can 't put it back by myself , but I 'm not sure I want to put it back right now , anyway , because I don 't want Cayenne going right back under it where I can 't get to her . I want to let the carpet dry , anyway , where I had to clean up cat pee . But this means I have to sit on the floor or on my bed , neither of which is as comfortable on my back as sitting on the couch . Plus my back really hurts from moving the couch in the first place . Blah . Posted by I was able to get her to eat a little more last night . About 2 : 00 am , she went back under the couch and she 's still there this morning . I moved the couch , which was really hard on my back , and got her out , and then she went right back under there . So I 'm going to just let her be for a while . I 'm worried about her . This may be the end for her . There is just too much going on for me right now . Of course , the Universe does not care if it 's too much . It 's not like you can say hey , this is too much , can you throw crap at me one thing at a time , please ? My back hurts . A lot . I think it 's a combination of stress and not having as much assistance from Isaac as I usually get , due to his sprained ankle . Maybe also not getting as much exercise as I normally do ; I typically walk at least an hour a day with Isaac , sometimes more , but haven 't been walking lately since Isaac can 't go for walks . Isaac has been unable to work for nine days now , due to his sprained ankle . In addition to not having his help with things , I 've been worried about him . He has not been limping for the last three days , though , at all . He goes back to the vet Friday and I am hoping he will be able to return to his normal activities after that . This may be TMI , but then , I 've shared plenty of stuff here that probably is too much information for some people . I seem to have some sort of infection . I thought it was a yeast infection but saw my primary care doctor and got treatment for that , which hasn 't helped . I did some research online ( you know how doctors love it when patients diagnose themselves with assistance from Google , right ? ) and now I think it is probably a bacterial infection instead , since the treatment for a yeast infection didn 't help . Apparently bacterial infections of the vagina are pretty common in women ; it 's called bacterial vaginosis . But I need to go back to the doctor for that . Besides being mildly uncomfortable , having discomfort in that area can be pretty triggering with my PTSD . My mouth hurts . I am wondering if maybe I am getting some sort of infection under my damaged crown or where the broken root is . I am having more pain today than I did for the past few days , plus the gum seems pretty swollen in that area . Also , the lymph gland on the left side of my neck is a bit sore and swollen ( the broken tooth is on the left side of my mouth , if that means anything ) . I don 't have a fever , though . I guess I will call my dentist in the morning and ask what he thinks . Besides the discomfort , the pain in my mouth is triggering my PTSD stuff , too , plus I 'm really anxious about the upcoming dental procedures . And , to top it all off , Cayenne seems to be feeling poorly today . She seemed fine this morning , but spent most of the afternoon sleeping under the couch , which is not normal for her . She came out when I was ready to feed her dinner , but she did not want to eat initially . Throughout the evening , I 've been able to coax her to eat a little ; she had a bit of shredded cheese , some tiny pieces of hot dog , and some of her canned cat food , though not as much as she normally would eat . She 's sleeping now and doesn 't seem to be uncomfortable , but I 'm worried about her . I expect I won 't get much sleep tonight ; I 'll be getting up frequently to check on her . I bought a ten - foot cable from Petco that I can use to tether Isaac to the picnic table beside my apartment building . Then I can sit at the picnic table and work on my laptop , or read , or talk on the phone , or whatever , and Isaac can roam around a little or lie down and relax in the sun or the shade , and I don 't have to worry about him catching sight of a deer in the empty lot next door and taking off after it . Strong as he is , he cannot run off dragging the picnic table behind him . I 'd been considering getting a cable like this for a while but decided to go ahead and do it since Isaac has not been able to go for walks or to the dog park because of his sprained ankle . I have a picture , but for some reason I 'm having trouble posting it . Maybe later . Isaac has a hole under the picnic table that he 's been working on a little at a time . He really enjoys digging . I probably shouldn 't let him dig there , but no one ever sits at this table but me and Isaac , and he has so much fun digging . He also thinks I am brilliant because when he gets his cable all tangled up around the legs of the picnic table , I know how to untangle it . Like , he goes under one of the benches , and then goes around the table leg and back under the bench , and soon he can barely move because his cable is so tangled up . But I can point under the bench , and he goes under , and I can point for him to go around the table leg , and he does it , and soon his is all untangled again . He thinks it 's like magic and I must be absolutely brilliant to know how to do it ! Today I was reading through some old journals . I have journals going back to 1990 - something . I rarely look at them . Often , reading them upsets me or makes me anxious or sad or something . But I have them . Today I read back in 2002 , I had a dream that I went to see an eye doctor and was told I was going to lose most of my vision . I was advised that I should apply for disability benefits and consider getting a service dog . I had completely forgotten that dream . How weird is that ? That was when I was still working , before I applied for SSDI , long before I 'd ever considered that I would one day have a service dog . Isaac was standing next to the couch , getting petted . His tail was wagging happily and it knocked my hair brush off the coffee table . I didn 't even notice he knocked it off but Isaac noticed , and turned around , and picked up the brush and gave it to me . I told him he was the best dog ever and kissed him on the head , which he liked so much that he then turned around , spotted my hair scrunchy thing on the coffee To be a service dog , a dog has to be trained to perform tasks that mitigate the handler 's disability . Petting is not a task , because a dog does not have to be trained to be petted . I understand that . Still , petting Isaac is very soothing for me . A couple days ago , I took Isaac with me to get the oil changed in my car . I thought I was going to one of those places where you don 't even have to get out of the car , but at this place , they wanted me to sit in the little waiting room while they worked on the car . I put Isaac 's service dog vest on him and took him into the waiting room with me . It was only a very short distance from the car , so it wasn 't much walking on his sprained ankle at all , but if I 'd known he would have had to get out of the car , I would not have taken him with me . I think he was really glad to get out of the house , though . And he did great in the waiting room . We were there about half an hour and he just lay down and napped on the rug while we waited . I was feeling anxious , though . I was worried about money and about my teeth and about Isaac 's ankle and all sorts of stuff . Then the mechanic came in to tell me that the serpentine belt on my car ( whatever the heck that even is ) was badly cracked and would need to be replaced soon . So that made me even more anxious . I reached down and rubbed Isaac 's head and ears and he sighed and stretched out his neck and it seemed that the petting was relaxing both of us . I read somewhere that there was a study that determined people 's blood pressures go down when they pet an animal . My blood pressure tends to run low anyway , but that 's beside the point . Petting an animal helps anxiety . Petting Isaac helps my anxiety , a lot . It 's not a trained task , but it sure is an excellent bonus that comes with having a service dog . happy doggie breathing in your ear than by a blaring alarm clock . This morning , it was the alarm that woke me . It woke Isaac , too , but he was in a better significantly , so I had to opt for being awake . I hate having to make health care decisions simply based on cost . But I guess you do what you have to do , cleaning today , but will not cover any of those other expenses . I was home by noon and slept most of the afternoon . I was tired from getting up so early , but My back has been pretty bad lately . I 've been putting off certain tasks , like cleaning my kitchen floor , because my back just hurts too much . But today I moved the mattress and box spring on my bed , because these two screws had fallen out of my bed frame , and I was worried that the bed frame was going to fall apart when I flopped down on it or something . The mattress and box spring had to be moved so I could reach the place where the screws went . I was going to have Mike come over and help me but then I decided that I know how to use a screwdriver and I am not weak or incompetent and I just wanted to fix it myself . So I did . It wasn 't even that hard . But now my back hurts a lot . So I took some pain meds . I 've also been super anxious the last couple of days . I have to go to the dentist tomorrow to get my teeth cleaned and figure out what I 'm going to do about this crown and getting a bridge and everything . The dentist makes me anxious and worrying about how I 'm going to pay for a bridge makes me anxious . I am also worried about Isaac and his ankle . And today I got the oil changed in my car and was advised that the serpentine belt , whatever the heck that is , is badly cracked and needs to be replaced very soon . If it breaks , my car will be dead on the side of the road . The garage I normally go to cannot fix it until next Wednesday , but I have to go to the dentist tomorrow . There is a garage near my dentist that can fix it tomorrow morning , before my dentist appointment , but they charge $ 30 more for it than my regular garage does . Plus I have to be there at 8 : 00 am , plus that is right before I go to the dentist . It is all too much to deal with , but what choice do I have ? So I took some anxiety meds . The meds are not helping enough . I want chocolate . Like a big old slab of chocolate cake . With ice cream . Alas , I have no chocolate , no cake , and no ice cream in the house , and am afraid to drive the car . I guess I will have some lovely yogurt later . Blah . So how do you keep a very active , energetic lab off his feet for two weeks ? Well , it ain 't easy ! I am trying to find ways to entertain him that don 't involve running or jumping or putting pressure on his foot . I plan to take him for car rides , which he likes . Tomorrow I think I am going to go get the oil changed in my car . I 'll go to one of those quickie lube places where you sit in the car while they change the oil . Isaac can ride along . I think one day soon we 'll go through the automatic car wash , too . My car could certainly use a wash ! Isaac has one puzzle toy but I might buy him another one . Puzzle toys for dogs are toys that you can put treats in some way and dogs have to figure out how to get them out . The one he has is really too easy for him ; Isaac just likes it because he gets treats . He could use a more challenging one . Sometimes he only limps slightly , other times it is more noticeable . He is still happy , friendly , enthusiastic , loving . When I get ready to take him out , he stands by the door , tail wagging , eyes bright , waiting for me to put on his leash . Then we start to walk down the hall and I see him limping . I feel terrible for him . I wish I could make his pain go away . I would rather my foot hurt than his . I could much more easily cope with my own pain than with his . I feel like he is such a good doggie . He deserves only good things . He should not be in pain . He is not complaining . He is being friendly and cheerful and sweet . I expect in a day or two he will be bored , and especially as his foot begins to feel better but he still doesn 't get to go for a run or even a good walk , he may get a bit cranky . It would be understandable . But for now , he is just being so loveable and sweet . I 'm so sorry I can 't make it stop hurting . Isaac 's fundraiser is coming up soon ! It 's Sunday , September 22 , at the Trinity United Methodist Church in Mount Gilead , Ohio ( less than an hour north of Columbus , just a few miles from I - 71 ) . It 's a fundraising lunch , to be served at 11 : 45 am . People are welcome to attend church first , which starts at 10 : 30 , but you certainly don 't have to . Isaac and I will be attending church and will be speaking to the children 's church about service dogs , so if you want to come to church and want to bring your kids , feel free . Lunch is at 11 : 45 am and I have no idea what they will be serving , but it will probably be yummy . People can donate as much or as little as they choose for the meal . Isaac and I will be visiting with people during / after the meal and Isaac promises to offer kisses to anyone that wants them . Email me at poet _ kelly at yahoo dot com if you need more information or directions . If you can 't come but would like to donate , you can donate through PayPal or by check ( and if you make the check out to Isaac 's program , not to me , your donation can be tax deductible because the program is a 501 ( c ) 3 non - profit organization ) . Thanks for your support ! This morning the dog walker arrived to take Isaac for his run . Ten minutes later , they were back . Isaac was limping and kept stopping to lick his left front foot . Both the dog walker and I attempted to exam Isaac 's foot but we couldn 't see anything wrong with it . I called the vet and made an appointment for this afternoon . Throughout the morning , Isaac sometimes limped and sometimes didn 't . He did lick the side of his foot a lot . I looked at the foot again but still couldn 't see anything wrong . We went to the vet this afternoon . Isaac likes going to the vet . It 's just one more place to go and visit nice people that pet him and play with him and tell him he 's a nice boy . Plus they have yummy treats there . And there are lots of places to pee outside the vet 's office and lots of interesting smells . It 's a good time , as far as Isaac is concerned . It turns out Isaac has a sprained ankle . At least , that 's what the vet thinks it is and I hope he is right . I was worried it was going to be something serious and also something expensive . Isaac 's vet gives him a discount because he is a service dog , so this appointment ended up only costing $ 7 , which was for some anti - inflammatory medication . I just don 't know how I 'd pay for something expensive right now , on top of all the dental work I need . I guess I 'd pay for Isaac 's care first and my teeth would just have to wait . I was glad it only cost $ 7 today , though . The good news is that it is not a severe sprain and he is expected to make a full recovery . The bad news , as far as Isaac is concerned , is that he is supposed to stay off his feet for two weeks . Seriously ? Do you know how active and energetic this dog is ? No running , no dog parks , no lake , no long walks , for two weeks . The vet told me I can give him some Benadryl if necessary to calm him down and make him drowsy . And no working . Isaac is a service dog , remember ? He has the next two weeks off work . No going to the grocery store with me , no helping me do laundry , none of that . When a service dog is on sick leave ( and it happens , service dogs get sick , too ) , the handler has to figure out how to do things without the dog 's help . It 's going to be a very stressful two weeks for me and Isaac , I think . The root of the tooth that has the crown on it has fractured and cannot be repaired . He was able to cement the crown back in place temporarily but I will need either a bridge or a dental implant ( unless I want to have a big gap where one of my front teeth should go , which I do not want to have ) . I think I will be going with the bridge since the implant would cost about twice as much . The bridge is costly enough . I am not sure how I will cover the full cost . About have of it can go on my credit card . But I do not have enough credit on that card for the full cost . I am going to apply for a Care Credit account and hopefully that can cover the rest . I hate going to the dentist . I haven 't been to the dentist in six or seven years . Luckily , I have really good teeth . I have not had a cavity since I was a teenager . About twenty years ago , I had my wisdom teeth removed . About 15 years ago , a child head - butted me in the mouth and broke one of my front teeth , which is how I ended up with this crown . I was working with disabled children that were being mainstreamed into regular classrooms at the time and was sitting behind a first grader with autism and a visual impairment and she was upset about something , I don 't even remember what , but she reared backwards and banged her head into my mouth , hard . It was kinda my own fault because I should not have had my head right behind hers . I 'd had enough training to know better but was sitting in that position anyway . Well , now I have to go to the dentist . I 'd actually been planning to go next month to get my teeth cleaned because I figure , good teeth or not , I should probably get them cleaned every six or seven years , right ? But now I have to go tomorrow . I actually wanted to go yesterday . It hurt , a lot , and I was afraid the loose crown was going to fall off . Hatred of dentists or not , I grabbed the phone book and started calling local dentists to see if someone could get me in yesterday . Unfortunately , being Saturday and all , no one could . I did speak to a dentist on the phone , who sounded very nice , and he said he was actually out of town or else he would have been able to see my yesterday . He said if I called the office early Monday morning , though , he would be able to see me that day . So I am calling him first thing tomorrow morning . I 've been surviving on protein shakes and Greek yogurt since yesterday morning and I am hungry and sick of yogurt and protein shakes . I did eat some tomato soup with shredded cheddar cheese melted in it this evening and that was a nice change . Hopefully the dentist can fix my crown tomorrow and I will be able to eat again . I am afraid this is going to be expensive . Well , not exactly afraid of the expense ; more of a concern than a fear , really . I called the bank yesterday and go the limit on my credit card increased because I had a really low limit and did not have much credit left on the card . So at least now I can cover the cost , which relieved that worry . I am afraid it 's going to hurt , and that is a fear , not just a worry . And I just hate going to the dentist . I hate having to keep my mouth open and having things put in my mouth and . . . oh , I hate all of it . Here 's how I made my weighted blanket . I made mine weigh about 15 % of my body weight , which is what I read is recommended . You might want yours heavier or lighter , though . Cut the sheet into rectangles six inches by 12 inches . Fold those in half and sew two sides shut so you have six inch square pockets . How many you 'll need will depend on the size of your blanket . I ended up using 54 of the six inch square pockets and then making seven more pockets that were a bit more narrow , maybe six inches by four inches . Divide the plastic pellets evenly among all the pockets . How much to put in each pocket will depend on how many pounds of pellets you need to get the weight you want . I put just over one cup of pellets in each of the six inch square pockets and about half that much in the six inch by four inch pockets . I added a generous pinch of lavender to each pocket . Sew the pockets shut . Notice I did not say to turn the pockets inside - out before filling them with the plastic pellets . You want the seams on the outside because you will use that little bit of excess fabric to sew the pockets to your piece of flannel . You need your flannel and your fleece to be the same width . When I was shopping for fabric , I found that flannel usually came in more narrow measurements than fleece . I think my flannel was only 42 inches wide while the fleece was something like 50 inches wide . Cut the wider fabric so it is the same width as the more narrow fabric . I did that by spreading out both pieces of fabric on the floor and then cutting along the edge to make them both the same width . Spread out the flannel and figure out how you are going to space out all your bean bags . You need to space them out evenly . I did it like this : Then , one at a time , I used straight pins to pin a bean bag to the back side of the flannel and then sewed the bean bag onto the flannel . I don 't have a sewing machine , so I sew by hand . Even if you have a sewing machine , I 'm thinking it might be difficult to do this by machine , especially once you get a few rows of bean bags sewn on . The bean bags you 've already sewn on would kind of be in the way , I think . Spread the fleece out on the floor , then spread the flannel on top of it , with the bean bag side up . Use straight pins to pin three sides of the fleece and flannel together and sew them . You 'll have something that resembles a sleeping bag . Weighted blankets , if you 're not familiar with them , are heavy blankets . They are similar to quilts , but have little bean bag - like pockets sewn into them . They are typically used by people with autism and other sensory processing disorders , but are increasingly being used by people with other conditions , as well . I 've read that they are being used in some psychiatric hospitals , too , which I think is a great idea . They are expensive . A full - sized weighted blanket often costs $ 150 or more , if you order it online . Since they are so heavy , I imagine shipping is high , too ! I found instructions for making one and decided to make my own . It 's something I 'd thought about for a while , and then a couple months ago , I had a urinary tract infection and it was really triggering a lot of my PTSD stuff , and I found myself piling couch cushions on top of my body during the night . The weight , the even pressure , felt comforting and decreased my anxiety . I decided then that I had to make a weighted blanket . I liked the idea of making my own , not just because it was cheaper , but also because I could choose the fabric myself and because I had another idea I really liked . I put dried lavender in all the little bean bags . My blanket smells wonderful . I spent about $ 65 on materials , I think . I did not buy the dried lavender , it was given to me by a friend . If I 'd had to buy that , it probably would have cost me about $ 75 total , half what it would have cost to buy a blanket , and the one I bought would not have had the lavender in it . I 'll post instructions for how I made it sometime soon . I love it . It 's green , lighter green on one side and darker green on the other . One side is flannel and the other side is fleece . It 's super soft . I love the feel of the bean bags under the flannel . It is very heavy , about 21 pounds . From my research , I learned that it 's recommended that a weighted blanket be about 15 % of your body weight . Now , with my bad back , 21 pounds is almost too heavy for me to carry around . Lying under it is fine , but actually carrying it somewhere ? Not so easy . Some people use smaller weighted blankets , like a lap robe , for carrying places with them . For instance , I have a dentist appointment coming up next month . If I had a smaller blanket , I could take it with me and put it over my lap in the dentist 's chair . I think I might make a smaller one , about half the size of this one , for things like that , although unfortunately it won 't be ready in time for my dental appointment . I tried looking for information about physiological effects of weighted blankets but couldn 't find any . Like , I notice when I have my blanket over me , my breathing slows down and I am pretty sure my heart rate slows down , too . I 'm curious about its effect on blood pressure , too . I did read somewhere that weighted blankets help people with restless leg syndrome , but that 's the only physiological effect I read about . I read plenty of stuff that says it decreases anxiety but nothing that really explained how it does that . But if you breathe slower and your heart rate slows down , that would decrease feelings of anxiety . The only negative thing I 've discovered about it , so far , is that it gets hot under this heavy blanket . Last night I slept under it and I slept well , except for two times I woke up kind of sweaty . I just pushed the blanket off and went back to sleep , then later pulled it back on . Blogger allows me to see search terms people used to find my blog . Someone recently landed here after searching for " perks for being disabled . " Oh , sure , there are so many perks , including the fact that I get to take my dog everywhere ! Yesterday I was talking to someone about the different tasks Isaac does for me and explaining how I think the most important task is getting my medication when I start to have an anxiety attack . I said that there are other ways I could accomplish some of the other things Isaac does for me , if I had to , like using one of those long grabber things to pick things up and installing one of those clapper things so I could turn on lights from a distance by clapping my hands . She said , " Those things are expensive , though . And if you 're on disability . . . " I said , " Service dogs are expensive , too ! More expensive than a grabber and a clapper . " Oh , but with a service dog , I get the perk of taking my dog everywhere with me . Tonight I attended a support group for survivors of sexual trauma . The group meets once a month and is about one minute from where I live . I am hoping a support group can , well , provide some support since I haven 't been able to see a therapist in a long time now . I took Isaac with me to the group . He did really , really well . One of the members of the support group is the mother of the little boy I saw at the food pantry a couple weeks ago . The little boy that liked Isaac so much and told his mom , upon hearing that Isaac helps me to laundry , " Mom , I think maybe we need to get a dog like that ! " It was nice seeing someone I kind of knew . The group met around a table , and so Isaac went under the table and lay down just like he does in restaurants . The meeting lasted about an hour and 15 minutes and Isaac did well for the first 45 minutes or so , then started to whine a little . After a few minutes of whining , I decided he was telling me he had to pee . I took him out and he did pee , although he also peed right before the meeting and I feel pretty sure he could have waited . I think it might have been he was just getting tired of lying quietly under the table . However , I would much rather tell people , " I 'm sorry but my dog says he has to pee right away , I 'll be right back , " than say , " I 'm sorry , my dog is bored and I need to walk him around for a few minutes . Hopefully after this , he 'll lie down and be quiet like he is supposed to do . " There was another woman at the meeting who said she wants to make her dog a service dog for her anxiety , but after talking to her for a few minutes , it sounds like her dog is an emotional support animal , meaning she provides her with comfort and emotional support , but she isn 't trained to perform any tasks . I told her that legally , under the American 's with Disabilities Act , to be a service dog the dog would have to be trained to perform tasks that mitigate her disability . She said , " But my disability is depression . What tasks would she do ? " I said I didn 't know , I didn 't know her well enough to know what tasks a dog might be trained to do to mitigate her disability , but that legally to be a service dog , the dog has to be task trained . It sounds like she has a friend that passes off her dog as a service dog because her friend has a lot of anxiety and feels less anxious when her dog is with her . But that 's not a trained task and doesn 't make a dog a service dog . I didn 't want to argue with her about it too much , though , because that wasn 't the purpose of the group . Yesterday I was talking to one of my neighbors , who wears leg braces and walks with a cane . She told me that strangers will come up to her in the grocery store or another public place and ask her why she wears braces or what 's wrong with her . Sometimes they ask , " Did you have polio ? Do you have cerebral palsy ? " I assume most adults know that 's bad manners , but many just choose to do it anyway . I don 't understand why , though . I mean , I get being curious . But I don 't ask complete strangers every little thing I feel curious about . I know it 's bad manners to ask people I don 't know personal questions and I know it 's none of my business . So I keep my curiosity to myself . Why is it that some people think they have the right to information that 's really none of their business ? Don 't get me wrong . I don 't think suicide is a good thing . I 've discouraged suicidal friends from doing it . I once called an ambulance for a good friend that was swallowing a bottle of pills while on the phone with me . When I was a social worker , I once put a teenager and his mom into a cab , which I paid for out of my pocket , to go to the emergency room because he was suicidal and mom didn 't drive and I wasn 't about to send her and a suicidal kid out to catch a bus to the hospital . They were both sick . They didn 't get sick on purpose . They didn 't want to be sick . It isn 't selfish to get sick . When my grandmother got breast cancer , she wasn 't being selfish . When my grandfather develop Alzheimer 's disease , he was not being selfish . When Mike 's father developed congestive heart failure and died from it , he was not being selfish . They were sick . Sick does not equal selfish . Most people that commit suicide are mentally ill . They are very sick . Mentally ill does not equal selfish . Someone that is suffering from severe depression or another serious mental illness can 't just stop being sick , anymore than my grandmother or grandfather or Mike 's dad could just decide not to be sick . That doesn 't mean they are selfish . |
So I get to go through the oral surgery and the recovery on my own . And I 'm not happy about that . But it is what it is . I 've been dealing with my PTSD , my anxiety , and being pretty much on my own , for a long time . So I have a lot of coping skills . I can spend a lot of time and energy being upset that one of those coping skills is not having a friend to go with me or I can channel that energy toward using my other coping skills . Guess which is going to be most helpful ? Use my weighted blanket . The half - sized one I just finished making yesterday . It 's pretty . It 's so soft . And it only weighs about ten pounds so I can carry it to the dentist with me , unlike my full - sized weighted blanket , which I love , but it weighs about 20 pounds so it 's all I can do to drag it from the living room to the bedroom when I need to . Repetition . I learned this from a book , a work of fiction by Abagail Padget , to be precise . She wrote several mysteries ( I wish she 'd write more ) in which the main character was a social work for child protective services who happened to have bipolar disorder . When she was stressed and needed to distract herself from the emotional distress and calm herself down , she would recite the names and dates of old shipwrecks . Once when she was working with a teenager with emotional problems , she taught the teen to recite the states and their capitals . I can do the states and their capitals , or I can do the multiplication tables , and it works pretty well . Gives me something to focus on other than my emotions . I can consciously tell myself to relax and focus on relaxing my various muscle groups . Scent works for me sometimes , too . I will spray my weighted blanket with lavender water before I leave for the dentist . It will help combat that " dentist office smell , " too . I am a mess not only because I have to have oral surgery but also because a friend was supposed to be going with me and at the last minute , like 10 : 00 last night , told me he can 't make it . I had known there was a slight possibility ( I thought it was slight , anyway ) that he would not be able to go to the appointment with me , but he had said that if he couldn 't do that , he would be here afterwards . And now he 's not coming at all . My feelings are hurt . I also feel angry at myself , for counting on someone . I should have known I 'd be doing this alone , like I do most things in my life alone . I could have scheduled the dog walker to come take Isaac out this afternoon , or I even thought about asking my neighbor if he would be willing to walk Isaac later , in case I am in a lot of pain or doped up on pain pills or something . But I didn 't , because I was counting on my friend to be here . That was stupid on my part and a mistake I won 't make again . I can get through this by myself . I 've gotten through harder things by myself . When I had my breast biopsy in May , a friend drove me to the hospital and drove me home , but left very soon after that . I was alone after that . I took care of Isaac , took care of myself . That was worse than getting a tooth extracted , right ? So I can do it . I 'm just sad that I have to do it alone . I had hoped that my service dog would sleep with me at night but Isaac does not . Well , he does every great once in a while . But not often . He is super snuggly during the day but I thought he just liked a lot of room at night when he was sleeping . My feelings are not hurt by that . I am thinking I must still be really restless in my sleep . I know I used to be but I had thought that had gotten better . Like , I used to wake up screaming often but I very rarely do that now . But I also know sometimes Mike would tell me I was screaming in my sleep but I didn 't wake up doing it and I would never have known if he hadn 't told me the next morning . I also know sometimes I would wake up hitting or kicking him . And I used to wake up kicking the cats off the bed sometimes . For a long time Cayenne refused to sleep with me because I 'd kicked her off the bed too many times . I had assumed I didn 't do that so much anymore , but I usually sleep alone these days , so maybe I do and just don 't know it because there is no one to tell me about it in the morning . I am a lazy service dog owner . What I am lazy about , specifically , is training my service dog . Which is why I wanted a fully trained dog from a program , but here is what I have figured out . Even a fully trained dog from a program needs ongoing training . Without practice , he gets lazy . Without practice , his skills get rusty . And no matter how much training he 's had , there are always new things that will come up . Here is an example , the example , in fact , that led me to this conclusion . Someone I know is in the process of training her own service dog . The dog is maybe 15 months old now , not fully trained , but getting close . She 's had him , and been training him , since he was eight weeks old . She has a lot of experience training working dogs and has owned service dogs before , so she 's very qualified to train her own service dog ( something I am definitely not qualified to do ) . She said that the other day , she went to a picnic with her dog . She noticed a paper napkin with barbeque sauce on it on the ground under one of the picnic tables . She knows that her dog likes to eat paper napkins , whether or not they have sauce on them . In that situation , I would have chosen a seat far away from the napkin , so my dog would not be tempted by it . I mean , Isaac has no interest in eating napkins , but if he did , I would have sat far away from it . If no seats were available far away from the napkin , I probably would have picked it up and disposed of it so that I would not have to worry about Isaac eating it while I was eating my lunch . This person , much more experienced with service dogs and not as lazy as I am , chose to sit right by the napkin . She wanted to give her dog the opportunity to learn , and practice , not eating napkins , no matter how tempting they might be . Yes , she had to pay attention to what her dog was doing while she ate her own lunch and she had to remind him a few times not to eat the napkin . But in the future , when she is busy with something really important , she will not have to worry about her dog eating a dropped napkin , because she knows he has been trained really well not to do that . Isaac 's fundraiser was three days ago and I think it went well . I still don 't know how much money was raised . They didn 't give me the money at the fundraiser and I don 't think they 'd counted it yet , either . I 'm not sure if they plan to give the money to me directly or send it to Isaac 's program . Either is fine , but I 'm curious to know how much was raised . If I don 't hear from the pastor in a few days , I will give her a call . I ended up taking Isaac . I wasn 't sure I was going to because of his ankle but I really wanted to have him there . I thought it would encourage people to donate more . And he had not been limping for a few days by then , so I thought he was OK to go . Before the fundraising lunch , we attended church . The pews were very close together and Isaac did not want to go between them . Instead , he wanted to sprawl out in the aisle . I told him that was not going to work and that he needed to go between the pews . Once he lay down , he had plenty of room , it was just crowded while he was standing up . " For doing what ? " I asked . I wondered if she meant that she admired me for attending church but that didn 't seem to make much sense . " For taking care of those puppies , " she said , nodding at Isaac . Then I realized she thought I was a puppy raiser or maybe that I was training Isaac , as in training him for someone with a disability . " He 's in the training phase , isn 't he ? " she asked . " No , " I said . " He 's fully trained . " That 's my standard answer when people ask if I am training him but I decided to give her a little more information . " He is my service dog , " I said . She just looked confused . So then the service started and Isaac sprawled out under my feet and partly under the pew in front of me and dozed until it was time to talk to the kids . See , at this church , they do a Children 's Time near the beginning of each service . The kids are invited up to the front and the pastor talks to them for a few minutes about something before they are dismissed to go to Children 's Church . Only this day , Isaac and I were talking to them instead of the pastor . So we went up to the front and I sat on a low stool and Isaac sat in front of me and the kids ( about a dozen of them ) sat in a semi - circle in front of us . I asked the kids if any of them knew what a service dog was and a couple kids raised their hands . I asked one girl what it was and she said they do things like guide blind people . I said yes , exactly , and they help people with other disabilities , too , and gave a bunch of examples . I also told them some of the tasks Isaac does for me and I made sure to point out that you can 't always tell if someone has a disability just by looking at them . I told them how long it takes to train a service dog and that usually they can tell if a dog is a service dog because it will usually be wearing a vest like Isaac 's , although some service dogs don 't wear vests and they don 't have to . I explained how Isaac knows he is working when he has on his vest and that he behaves differently when he is working than when he 's not , kind of like they behave differently at school than when they are playing around at home or out in the back yard . Then I asked one of the kids to read the patch on Isaac 's vest , which says , " Please do not pet me , I 'm working . " I asked them why they thought it was important not to pet a service dog when it was working and not to talk to the dog or otherwise distract it . The kids were easily able to grasp the fact that a service dog needs to pay attention to its job . I asked what they thought might happen if a service dog was guiding a blind person and the dog got distracted and they said well , the person might get hurt or fall down or run into something . I also asked them what would happen if they were at school doing their math problems and someone came up to them and started petting them and talking to them . Would they be able to concentrate on their work ? They laughed and said of course not . I did allow them to pet Isaac at the end of our little talk and Isaac was in doggie heaven . First he lay down , then he rolled onto his side , then he rolled onto his back and stretched out as long as possible , with a dozen kids all rubbing his belly at the same time . His eyes were rolled back in his head and his tongue was hanging out the side of his mouth . He was loving it . The rest of the service went well and so did the lunch that followed . They had a bunch of sandwich fixings , baked beans , pasta salad , potato chips , and a variety of homemade desserts . I chatted with people about service dogs and about dogs in general during the meal . People seemed to want to tell me about their pet dogs ; many of them had pet labs . The ankle is healing well . There is still a little bit of swelling , though . The vet said to go ahead and stop the anti - inflammatory medication and see how he does . He is allowed to increase his activity level , but slowly . So we can take a rather short walk this evening , but he cannot go for a run yet , or to the dog park , or work . Today I moved the couch to get Cayenne out from under it . It had been almost 24 hours since I 'd seen her and almost 36 hours since she 'd had anything at all to eat or drink , so I was worried . I was kinda scared she was no longer alive under there , to be honest . So I dragged the couch out from the wall and turned it on its side so I could get to her . She was very much alive , thank goddess . She looked a bit annoyed that I was disturbing her . She jumped up on the back of the couch , which is now the top since it 's on its side , and let me pet her . I got her to eat a little canned food and she also ate a few tiny bites of cut up hot dog . She had peed and pooped under the couch ( I guess that 's good , right ? At least her kidneys and intestines are still working ) , so I cleaned that up . I want to vacuum back there , too , but haven 't done that yet because I know the noise of the vacuum bothers her . I decided to go out and buy some baby food for her . Last summer when she was really sick and refusing to eat , the thing I was finally able to get her to eat was some disgusting chicken and gravy baby food . I can 't believe how stinky that stuff was . I can 't believe people actually feed it to their babies . But Cayenne really liked it so I got a couple jars for her . When I got home , I saw that she 'd eaten some more of the canned cat food and she was on the window ledge , drinking some water . So I feel good about that . I guess she 's going to be with me a little longer . Earlier today , before I moved the couch , I was at the dollar store picking up some dog treats for Isaac and a couple other things , and while I was in the pet supplies aisle , I thought that maybe I should pick up some canned food for Cayenne . Then I thought , Cayenne might not be around long enough to need more cat food . I still have a few cans at home . It was all I could do not to start crying in the store when I thought that . I did cry once I got back to my car . I know she 's not going to be here forever . She is about 14 years old now , and she is diabetic and has cancer and is losing interest in food . It probably will not be much longer . But I 'm not ready . I 'm not ready to lose her . I know whether or not I 'm ready doesn 't matter , and anyway , are we ever really ready to lose someone we love ? But I 'm not ready . Oh . And now my couch is turned on its side , so I can 't sit on it . I can 't put it back by myself , but I 'm not sure I want to put it back right now , anyway , because I don 't want Cayenne going right back under it where I can 't get to her . I want to let the carpet dry , anyway , where I had to clean up cat pee . But this means I have to sit on the floor or on my bed , neither of which is as comfortable on my back as sitting on the couch . Plus my back really hurts from moving the couch in the first place . Blah . Posted by I was able to get her to eat a little more last night . About 2 : 00 am , she went back under the couch and she 's still there this morning . I moved the couch , which was really hard on my back , and got her out , and then she went right back under there . So I 'm going to just let her be for a while . I 'm worried about her . This may be the end for her . There is just too much going on for me right now . Of course , the Universe does not care if it 's too much . It 's not like you can say hey , this is too much , can you throw crap at me one thing at a time , please ? My back hurts . A lot . I think it 's a combination of stress and not having as much assistance from Isaac as I usually get , due to his sprained ankle . Maybe also not getting as much exercise as I normally do ; I typically walk at least an hour a day with Isaac , sometimes more , but haven 't been walking lately since Isaac can 't go for walks . Isaac has been unable to work for nine days now , due to his sprained ankle . In addition to not having his help with things , I 've been worried about him . He has not been limping for the last three days , though , at all . He goes back to the vet Friday and I am hoping he will be able to return to his normal activities after that . This may be TMI , but then , I 've shared plenty of stuff here that probably is too much information for some people . I seem to have some sort of infection . I thought it was a yeast infection but saw my primary care doctor and got treatment for that , which hasn 't helped . I did some research online ( you know how doctors love it when patients diagnose themselves with assistance from Google , right ? ) and now I think it is probably a bacterial infection instead , since the treatment for a yeast infection didn 't help . Apparently bacterial infections of the vagina are pretty common in women ; it 's called bacterial vaginosis . But I need to go back to the doctor for that . Besides being mildly uncomfortable , having discomfort in that area can be pretty triggering with my PTSD . My mouth hurts . I am wondering if maybe I am getting some sort of infection under my damaged crown or where the broken root is . I am having more pain today than I did for the past few days , plus the gum seems pretty swollen in that area . Also , the lymph gland on the left side of my neck is a bit sore and swollen ( the broken tooth is on the left side of my mouth , if that means anything ) . I don 't have a fever , though . I guess I will call my dentist in the morning and ask what he thinks . Besides the discomfort , the pain in my mouth is triggering my PTSD stuff , too , plus I 'm really anxious about the upcoming dental procedures . And , to top it all off , Cayenne seems to be feeling poorly today . She seemed fine this morning , but spent most of the afternoon sleeping under the couch , which is not normal for her . She came out when I was ready to feed her dinner , but she did not want to eat initially . Throughout the evening , I 've been able to coax her to eat a little ; she had a bit of shredded cheese , some tiny pieces of hot dog , and some of her canned cat food , though not as much as she normally would eat . She 's sleeping now and doesn 't seem to be uncomfortable , but I 'm worried about her . I expect I won 't get much sleep tonight ; I 'll be getting up frequently to check on her . I bought a ten - foot cable from Petco that I can use to tether Isaac to the picnic table beside my apartment building . Then I can sit at the picnic table and work on my laptop , or read , or talk on the phone , or whatever , and Isaac can roam around a little or lie down and relax in the sun or the shade , and I don 't have to worry about him catching sight of a deer in the empty lot next door and taking off after it . Strong as he is , he cannot run off dragging the picnic table behind him . I 'd been considering getting a cable like this for a while but decided to go ahead and do it since Isaac has not been able to go for walks or to the dog park because of his sprained ankle . I have a picture , but for some reason I 'm having trouble posting it . Maybe later . Isaac has a hole under the picnic table that he 's been working on a little at a time . He really enjoys digging . I probably shouldn 't let him dig there , but no one ever sits at this table but me and Isaac , and he has so much fun digging . He also thinks I am brilliant because when he gets his cable all tangled up around the legs of the picnic table , I know how to untangle it . Like , he goes under one of the benches , and then goes around the table leg and back under the bench , and soon he can barely move because his cable is so tangled up . But I can point under the bench , and he goes under , and I can point for him to go around the table leg , and he does it , and soon his is all untangled again . He thinks it 's like magic and I must be absolutely brilliant to know how to do it ! Today I was reading through some old journals . I have journals going back to 1990 - something . I rarely look at them . Often , reading them upsets me or makes me anxious or sad or something . But I have them . Today I read back in 2002 , I had a dream that I went to see an eye doctor and was told I was going to lose most of my vision . I was advised that I should apply for disability benefits and consider getting a service dog . I had completely forgotten that dream . How weird is that ? That was when I was still working , before I applied for SSDI , long before I 'd ever considered that I would one day have a service dog . Isaac was standing next to the couch , getting petted . His tail was wagging happily and it knocked my hair brush off the coffee table . I didn 't even notice he knocked it off but Isaac noticed , and turned around , and picked up the brush and gave it to me . I told him he was the best dog ever and kissed him on the head , which he liked so much that he then turned around , spotted my hair scrunchy thing on the coffee To be a service dog , a dog has to be trained to perform tasks that mitigate the handler 's disability . Petting is not a task , because a dog does not have to be trained to be petted . I understand that . Still , petting Isaac is very soothing for me . A couple days ago , I took Isaac with me to get the oil changed in my car . I thought I was going to one of those places where you don 't even have to get out of the car , but at this place , they wanted me to sit in the little waiting room while they worked on the car . I put Isaac 's service dog vest on him and took him into the waiting room with me . It was only a very short distance from the car , so it wasn 't much walking on his sprained ankle at all , but if I 'd known he would have had to get out of the car , I would not have taken him with me . I think he was really glad to get out of the house , though . And he did great in the waiting room . We were there about half an hour and he just lay down and napped on the rug while we waited . I was feeling anxious , though . I was worried about money and about my teeth and about Isaac 's ankle and all sorts of stuff . Then the mechanic came in to tell me that the serpentine belt on my car ( whatever the heck that even is ) was badly cracked and would need to be replaced soon . So that made me even more anxious . I reached down and rubbed Isaac 's head and ears and he sighed and stretched out his neck and it seemed that the petting was relaxing both of us . I read somewhere that there was a study that determined people 's blood pressures go down when they pet an animal . My blood pressure tends to run low anyway , but that 's beside the point . Petting an animal helps anxiety . Petting Isaac helps my anxiety , a lot . It 's not a trained task , but it sure is an excellent bonus that comes with having a service dog . happy doggie breathing in your ear than by a blaring alarm clock . This morning , it was the alarm that woke me . It woke Isaac , too , but he was in a better significantly , so I had to opt for being awake . I hate having to make health care decisions simply based on cost . But I guess you do what you have to do , cleaning today , but will not cover any of those other expenses . I was home by noon and slept most of the afternoon . I was tired from getting up so early , but My back has been pretty bad lately . I 've been putting off certain tasks , like cleaning my kitchen floor , because my back just hurts too much . But today I moved the mattress and box spring on my bed , because these two screws had fallen out of my bed frame , and I was worried that the bed frame was going to fall apart when I flopped down on it or something . The mattress and box spring had to be moved so I could reach the place where the screws went . I was going to have Mike come over and help me but then I decided that I know how to use a screwdriver and I am not weak or incompetent and I just wanted to fix it myself . So I did . It wasn 't even that hard . But now my back hurts a lot . So I took some pain meds . I 've also been super anxious the last couple of days . I have to go to the dentist tomorrow to get my teeth cleaned and figure out what I 'm going to do about this crown and getting a bridge and everything . The dentist makes me anxious and worrying about how I 'm going to pay for a bridge makes me anxious . I am also worried about Isaac and his ankle . And today I got the oil changed in my car and was advised that the serpentine belt , whatever the heck that is , is badly cracked and needs to be replaced very soon . If it breaks , my car will be dead on the side of the road . The garage I normally go to cannot fix it until next Wednesday , but I have to go to the dentist tomorrow . There is a garage near my dentist that can fix it tomorrow morning , before my dentist appointment , but they charge $ 30 more for it than my regular garage does . Plus I have to be there at 8 : 00 am , plus that is right before I go to the dentist . It is all too much to deal with , but what choice do I have ? So I took some anxiety meds . The meds are not helping enough . I want chocolate . Like a big old slab of chocolate cake . With ice cream . Alas , I have no chocolate , no cake , and no ice cream in the house , and am afraid to drive the car . I guess I will have some lovely yogurt later . Blah . So how do you keep a very active , energetic lab off his feet for two weeks ? Well , it ain 't easy ! I am trying to find ways to entertain him that don 't involve running or jumping or putting pressure on his foot . I plan to take him for car rides , which he likes . Tomorrow I think I am going to go get the oil changed in my car . I 'll go to one of those quickie lube places where you sit in the car while they change the oil . Isaac can ride along . I think one day soon we 'll go through the automatic car wash , too . My car could certainly use a wash ! Isaac has one puzzle toy but I might buy him another one . Puzzle toys for dogs are toys that you can put treats in some way and dogs have to figure out how to get them out . The one he has is really too easy for him ; Isaac just likes it because he gets treats . He could use a more challenging one . Sometimes he only limps slightly , other times it is more noticeable . He is still happy , friendly , enthusiastic , loving . When I get ready to take him out , he stands by the door , tail wagging , eyes bright , waiting for me to put on his leash . Then we start to walk down the hall and I see him limping . I feel terrible for him . I wish I could make his pain go away . I would rather my foot hurt than his . I could much more easily cope with my own pain than with his . I feel like he is such a good doggie . He deserves only good things . He should not be in pain . He is not complaining . He is being friendly and cheerful and sweet . I expect in a day or two he will be bored , and especially as his foot begins to feel better but he still doesn 't get to go for a run or even a good walk , he may get a bit cranky . It would be understandable . But for now , he is just being so loveable and sweet . I 'm so sorry I can 't make it stop hurting . Isaac 's fundraiser is coming up soon ! It 's Sunday , September 22 , at the Trinity United Methodist Church in Mount Gilead , Ohio ( less than an hour north of Columbus , just a few miles from I - 71 ) . It 's a fundraising lunch , to be served at 11 : 45 am . People are welcome to attend church first , which starts at 10 : 30 , but you certainly don 't have to . Isaac and I will be attending church and will be speaking to the children 's church about service dogs , so if you want to come to church and want to bring your kids , feel free . Lunch is at 11 : 45 am and I have no idea what they will be serving , but it will probably be yummy . People can donate as much or as little as they choose for the meal . Isaac and I will be visiting with people during / after the meal and Isaac promises to offer kisses to anyone that wants them . Email me at poet _ kelly at yahoo dot com if you need more information or directions . If you can 't come but would like to donate , you can donate through PayPal or by check ( and if you make the check out to Isaac 's program , not to me , your donation can be tax deductible because the program is a 501 ( c ) 3 non - profit organization ) . Thanks for your support ! This morning the dog walker arrived to take Isaac for his run . Ten minutes later , they were back . Isaac was limping and kept stopping to lick his left front foot . Both the dog walker and I attempted to exam Isaac 's foot but we couldn 't see anything wrong with it . I called the vet and made an appointment for this afternoon . Throughout the morning , Isaac sometimes limped and sometimes didn 't . He did lick the side of his foot a lot . I looked at the foot again but still couldn 't see anything wrong . We went to the vet this afternoon . Isaac likes going to the vet . It 's just one more place to go and visit nice people that pet him and play with him and tell him he 's a nice boy . Plus they have yummy treats there . And there are lots of places to pee outside the vet 's office and lots of interesting smells . It 's a good time , as far as Isaac is concerned . It turns out Isaac has a sprained ankle . At least , that 's what the vet thinks it is and I hope he is right . I was worried it was going to be something serious and also something expensive . Isaac 's vet gives him a discount because he is a service dog , so this appointment ended up only costing $ 7 , which was for some anti - inflammatory medication . I just don 't know how I 'd pay for something expensive right now , on top of all the dental work I need . I guess I 'd pay for Isaac 's care first and my teeth would just have to wait . I was glad it only cost $ 7 today , though . The good news is that it is not a severe sprain and he is expected to make a full recovery . The bad news , as far as Isaac is concerned , is that he is supposed to stay off his feet for two weeks . Seriously ? Do you know how active and energetic this dog is ? No running , no dog parks , no lake , no long walks , for two weeks . The vet told me I can give him some Benadryl if necessary to calm him down and make him drowsy . And no working . Isaac is a service dog , remember ? He has the next two weeks off work . No going to the grocery store with me , no helping me do laundry , none of that . When a service dog is on sick leave ( and it happens , service dogs get sick , too ) , the handler has to figure out how to do things without the dog 's help . It 's going to be a very stressful two weeks for me and Isaac , I think . The root of the tooth that has the crown on it has fractured and cannot be repaired . He was able to cement the crown back in place temporarily but I will need either a bridge or a dental implant ( unless I want to have a big gap where one of my front teeth should go , which I do not want to have ) . I think I will be going with the bridge since the implant would cost about twice as much . The bridge is costly enough . I am not sure how I will cover the full cost . About have of it can go on my credit card . But I do not have enough credit on that card for the full cost . I am going to apply for a Care Credit account and hopefully that can cover the rest . I hate going to the dentist . I haven 't been to the dentist in six or seven years . Luckily , I have really good teeth . I have not had a cavity since I was a teenager . About twenty years ago , I had my wisdom teeth removed . About 15 years ago , a child head - butted me in the mouth and broke one of my front teeth , which is how I ended up with this crown . I was working with disabled children that were being mainstreamed into regular classrooms at the time and was sitting behind a first grader with autism and a visual impairment and she was upset about something , I don 't even remember what , but she reared backwards and banged her head into my mouth , hard . It was kinda my own fault because I should not have had my head right behind hers . I 'd had enough training to know better but was sitting in that position anyway . Well , now I have to go to the dentist . I 'd actually been planning to go next month to get my teeth cleaned because I figure , good teeth or not , I should probably get them cleaned every six or seven years , right ? But now I have to go tomorrow . I actually wanted to go yesterday . It hurt , a lot , and I was afraid the loose crown was going to fall off . Hatred of dentists or not , I grabbed the phone book and started calling local dentists to see if someone could get me in yesterday . Unfortunately , being Saturday and all , no one could . I did speak to a dentist on the phone , who sounded very nice , and he said he was actually out of town or else he would have been able to see my yesterday . He said if I called the office early Monday morning , though , he would be able to see me that day . So I am calling him first thing tomorrow morning . I 've been surviving on protein shakes and Greek yogurt since yesterday morning and I am hungry and sick of yogurt and protein shakes . I did eat some tomato soup with shredded cheddar cheese melted in it this evening and that was a nice change . Hopefully the dentist can fix my crown tomorrow and I will be able to eat again . I am afraid this is going to be expensive . Well , not exactly afraid of the expense ; more of a concern than a fear , really . I called the bank yesterday and go the limit on my credit card increased because I had a really low limit and did not have much credit left on the card . So at least now I can cover the cost , which relieved that worry . I am afraid it 's going to hurt , and that is a fear , not just a worry . And I just hate going to the dentist . I hate having to keep my mouth open and having things put in my mouth and . . . oh , I hate all of it . Here 's how I made my weighted blanket . I made mine weigh about 15 % of my body weight , which is what I read is recommended . You might want yours heavier or lighter , though . Cut the sheet into rectangles six inches by 12 inches . Fold those in half and sew two sides shut so you have six inch square pockets . How many you 'll need will depend on the size of your blanket . I ended up using 54 of the six inch square pockets and then making seven more pockets that were a bit more narrow , maybe six inches by four inches . Divide the plastic pellets evenly among all the pockets . How much to put in each pocket will depend on how many pounds of pellets you need to get the weight you want . I put just over one cup of pellets in each of the six inch square pockets and about half that much in the six inch by four inch pockets . I added a generous pinch of lavender to each pocket . Sew the pockets shut . Notice I did not say to turn the pockets inside - out before filling them with the plastic pellets . You want the seams on the outside because you will use that little bit of excess fabric to sew the pockets to your piece of flannel . You need your flannel and your fleece to be the same width . When I was shopping for fabric , I found that flannel usually came in more narrow measurements than fleece . I think my flannel was only 42 inches wide while the fleece was something like 50 inches wide . Cut the wider fabric so it is the same width as the more narrow fabric . I did that by spreading out both pieces of fabric on the floor and then cutting along the edge to make them both the same width . Spread out the flannel and figure out how you are going to space out all your bean bags . You need to space them out evenly . I did it like this : Then , one at a time , I used straight pins to pin a bean bag to the back side of the flannel and then sewed the bean bag onto the flannel . I don 't have a sewing machine , so I sew by hand . Even if you have a sewing machine , I 'm thinking it might be difficult to do this by machine , especially once you get a few rows of bean bags sewn on . The bean bags you 've already sewn on would kind of be in the way , I think . Spread the fleece out on the floor , then spread the flannel on top of it , with the bean bag side up . Use straight pins to pin three sides of the fleece and flannel together and sew them . You 'll have something that resembles a sleeping bag . Weighted blankets , if you 're not familiar with them , are heavy blankets . They are similar to quilts , but have little bean bag - like pockets sewn into them . They are typically used by people with autism and other sensory processing disorders , but are increasingly being used by people with other conditions , as well . I 've read that they are being used in some psychiatric hospitals , too , which I think is a great idea . They are expensive . A full - sized weighted blanket often costs $ 150 or more , if you order it online . Since they are so heavy , I imagine shipping is high , too ! I found instructions for making one and decided to make my own . It 's something I 'd thought about for a while , and then a couple months ago , I had a urinary tract infection and it was really triggering a lot of my PTSD stuff , and I found myself piling couch cushions on top of my body during the night . The weight , the even pressure , felt comforting and decreased my anxiety . I decided then that I had to make a weighted blanket . I liked the idea of making my own , not just because it was cheaper , but also because I could choose the fabric myself and because I had another idea I really liked . I put dried lavender in all the little bean bags . My blanket smells wonderful . I spent about $ 65 on materials , I think . I did not buy the dried lavender , it was given to me by a friend . If I 'd had to buy that , it probably would have cost me about $ 75 total , half what it would have cost to buy a blanket , and the one I bought would not have had the lavender in it . I 'll post instructions for how I made it sometime soon . I love it . It 's green , lighter green on one side and darker green on the other . One side is flannel and the other side is fleece . It 's super soft . I love the feel of the bean bags under the flannel . It is very heavy , about 21 pounds . From my research , I learned that it 's recommended that a weighted blanket be about 15 % of your body weight . Now , with my bad back , 21 pounds is almost too heavy for me to carry around . Lying under it is fine , but actually carrying it somewhere ? Not so easy . Some people use smaller weighted blankets , like a lap robe , for carrying places with them . For instance , I have a dentist appointment coming up next month . If I had a smaller blanket , I could take it with me and put it over my lap in the dentist 's chair . I think I might make a smaller one , about half the size of this one , for things like that , although unfortunately it won 't be ready in time for my dental appointment . I tried looking for information about physiological effects of weighted blankets but couldn 't find any . Like , I notice when I have my blanket over me , my breathing slows down and I am pretty sure my heart rate slows down , too . I 'm curious about its effect on blood pressure , too . I did read somewhere that weighted blankets help people with restless leg syndrome , but that 's the only physiological effect I read about . I read plenty of stuff that says it decreases anxiety but nothing that really explained how it does that . But if you breathe slower and your heart rate slows down , that would decrease feelings of anxiety . The only negative thing I 've discovered about it , so far , is that it gets hot under this heavy blanket . Last night I slept under it and I slept well , except for two times I woke up kind of sweaty . I just pushed the blanket off and went back to sleep , then later pulled it back on . Blogger allows me to see search terms people used to find my blog . Someone recently landed here after searching for " perks for being disabled . " Oh , sure , there are so many perks , including the fact that I get to take my dog everywhere ! Yesterday I was talking to someone about the different tasks Isaac does for me and explaining how I think the most important task is getting my medication when I start to have an anxiety attack . I said that there are other ways I could accomplish some of the other things Isaac does for me , if I had to , like using one of those long grabber things to pick things up and installing one of those clapper things so I could turn on lights from a distance by clapping my hands . She said , " Those things are expensive , though . And if you 're on disability . . . " I said , " Service dogs are expensive , too ! More expensive than a grabber and a clapper . " Oh , but with a service dog , I get the perk of taking my dog everywhere with me . Tonight I attended a support group for survivors of sexual trauma . The group meets once a month and is about one minute from where I live . I am hoping a support group can , well , provide some support since I haven 't been able to see a therapist in a long time now . I took Isaac with me to the group . He did really , really well . One of the members of the support group is the mother of the little boy I saw at the food pantry a couple weeks ago . The little boy that liked Isaac so much and told his mom , upon hearing that Isaac helps me to laundry , " Mom , I think maybe we need to get a dog like that ! " It was nice seeing someone I kind of knew . The group met around a table , and so Isaac went under the table and lay down just like he does in restaurants . The meeting lasted about an hour and 15 minutes and Isaac did well for the first 45 minutes or so , then started to whine a little . After a few minutes of whining , I decided he was telling me he had to pee . I took him out and he did pee , although he also peed right before the meeting and I feel pretty sure he could have waited . I think it might have been he was just getting tired of lying quietly under the table . However , I would much rather tell people , " I 'm sorry but my dog says he has to pee right away , I 'll be right back , " than say , " I 'm sorry , my dog is bored and I need to walk him around for a few minutes . Hopefully after this , he 'll lie down and be quiet like he is supposed to do . " There was another woman at the meeting who said she wants to make her dog a service dog for her anxiety , but after talking to her for a few minutes , it sounds like her dog is an emotional support animal , meaning she provides her with comfort and emotional support , but she isn 't trained to perform any tasks . I told her that legally , under the American 's with Disabilities Act , to be a service dog the dog would have to be trained to perform tasks that mitigate her disability . She said , " But my disability is depression . What tasks would she do ? " I said I didn 't know , I didn 't know her well enough to know what tasks a dog might be trained to do to mitigate her disability , but that legally to be a service dog , the dog has to be task trained . It sounds like she has a friend that passes off her dog as a service dog because her friend has a lot of anxiety and feels less anxious when her dog is with her . But that 's not a trained task and doesn 't make a dog a service dog . I didn 't want to argue with her about it too much , though , because that wasn 't the purpose of the group . Yesterday I was talking to one of my neighbors , who wears leg braces and walks with a cane . She told me that strangers will come up to her in the grocery store or another public place and ask her why she wears braces or what 's wrong with her . Sometimes they ask , " Did you have polio ? Do you have cerebral palsy ? " I assume most adults know that 's bad manners , but many just choose to do it anyway . I don 't understand why , though . I mean , I get being curious . But I don 't ask complete strangers every little thing I feel curious about . I know it 's bad manners to ask people I don 't know personal questions and I know it 's none of my business . So I keep my curiosity to myself . Why is it that some people think they have the right to information that 's really none of their business ? Don 't get me wrong . I don 't think suicide is a good thing . I 've discouraged suicidal friends from doing it . I once called an ambulance for a good friend that was swallowing a bottle of pills while on the phone with me . When I was a social worker , I once put a teenager and his mom into a cab , which I paid for out of my pocket , to go to the emergency room because he was suicidal and mom didn 't drive and I wasn 't about to send her and a suicidal kid out to catch a bus to the hospital . They were both sick . They didn 't get sick on purpose . They didn 't want to be sick . It isn 't selfish to get sick . When my grandmother got breast cancer , she wasn 't being selfish . When my grandfather develop Alzheimer 's disease , he was not being selfish . When Mike 's father developed congestive heart failure and died from it , he was not being selfish . They were sick . Sick does not equal selfish . Most people that commit suicide are mentally ill . They are very sick . Mentally ill does not equal selfish . Someone that is suffering from severe depression or another serious mental illness can 't just stop being sick , anymore than my grandmother or grandfather or Mike 's dad could just decide not to be sick . That doesn 't mean they are selfish . |
The other day , Kristi from Finding Ninee posted about some friendships she 'd had , and lost , over the years . Her post was inspired by the newest Her Stories Project anthology , My Other Ex : Women 's True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends . It is a book of true stories by women , about painful break - ups , not with their boyfriends , girlfriends , partners or spouses , but with their best female friends . When I read about it on Kristi 's blog , I went directly to Amazon and bought a copy for my Kindle . Because several years ago , I ended a 10 - year - long friendship . It really did feel a lot like a breakup . It wasn 't like , " Okay , that person is out of my life . " She 's still a person I think about every day . She left a hole in my life . The thing is , I am not sure sure that is so bad . I met Clara when I was 19 . At the time , I had been mostly homeless for two years . I had become close friends with a 26 - year - old guy named Shawn . I had known him when I was younger , and had been surprised to encounter him in a homeless shelter when I was 18 . I thought of him as an older brother . Although I knew he was a heavy drinker and had had drug problems in the past , he was always kind to me , as well as to Jonny , another friend of ours who was my age . Jonny and I were the youngest people at the homeless shelter , and we both had the habit of latching onto older people to help us survive . For some reason , we had both picked Shawn , or he had picked us . When I had gotten worn down by homeless life ( I had seen several of my friends develop more severe problems with drugs and alcohol , blow off chances at getting jobs and homes , and have trouble with the law ; Jonny was in jail for stealing a car ) Shawn had helped me get into an independent living program for homeless girls under age 21 . He was staying in the city , but he would often take the train to come visit me on the weekends . One time Shawn was supposed to come visit me , but he hadn 't shown up . I didn 't really have a way to contact him , so I waited on pins and needles . Over a week I called all of the area hospitals and the local jails . As of late , he 'd been drinking more than ever . I would walk through town and see people I knew , who would approach me to tell me of my brother 's latest escapade . He had broken a window , he had stolen a cell phone , he had threatened to shoot someone with a nonexistent gun . He was not allowed here , he was not allowed there , he owed this person a hundred bucks . When Shawn went missing , you assumed the worse . But finally he resurfaced . He 'd been staying with a girl he 'd met . She had a toddler son . He wanted me to meet them because he was crazy about them . It turned out the girl was the same age as me , It was hard for me to get used to the idea of that , especially because in many ways she seemed a lot older than me . . . maybe because I seemed a lot younger than 19 . Her little boy was adorable . Soon I was attached to both of them . I was spending weekends at their apartment , I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them . By the following spring , I was living with them . I had three people I lived , under the same roof . To me it felt like a family . But it wasn 't ideal . Shawn drank and drank , he and Clara argued constantly , he did stupid stuff . Clara would kick him out . I 'd try to go with him . Clara would urge me to stay . He 'd come back after a few days , and things would be peaceful . . . for a moment . I found a full time job at a child care center , and then I 'd come home and take care of the baby while Shawn and Clara fought . One thing I could not stand was fighting . My parents had fought constantly when I was a child , and I had learned to be hypervigilant about sensing the moods of the people around me and trying to keep things smooth . When Clara and Shawn fought , I would often retreat to a quiet spot in the room and withdraw . If one of them yelled at me for something , I would completely wither . I did not ( and I still have trouble with this ) understand the concept of someone loving you but being angry with you . If I made someone angry , it was like I had burned their house down . If someone snapped at me , it was like they had stabbed me in the heart . I rarely argued back . If I sensed conflict , I would grab my backpack and leave the apartment , to wander the streets for a few hours or days . Although I 'd moved in because of Shawn , he was the one who didn 't want me living there . He didn 't like how close Clara and I had become or how dependent the baby was on me . I think maybe he didn 't want a witness in the apartment . I found out that Shawn was getting violent with Clara . I didn 't believe it . . . how could I believe that about my beloved " big brother " . . . until I saw it for myself . We developed what was probably somewhat of a trauma bond as we just tried to survive day to day . Over the next year , the friendship among the four of us was bizarre . Clara got evicted from the apartment . Clara and I both got apartments in a near by complex . Clara ping - ponged back and forth in relationships between Jonny and Shawn . Whenever one of them was involved with Clara , the other one would stay at my apartment . I felt slighted by every single one of them . Shawn and Jonny were my brothers , and Clara was my best friend . But to them , their romantic - slash - sexual relationship was far more important than a friendship with me . I was only there to help hold them together when things went wrong . During times when neither Jonny nor Shawn were around , Clara and I were as thick as thieves . We spent all of our spare time together , with me helping to take care of her son , whom I referred to as my nephew . But whenever one of the guys came around , I was brushed to the side . Eventually Jonny and Clara got married . For me , the years when Jonny and Clara were married were not too bad at all . I had lost my apartment by then , and I spent most of my weekends with them , as well as living with them for a while when I found myself between homes . Like Shawn , Jonny didn 't always want me around disrupting his little family . . . especially because he , too , drank too much , used drugs , and sometimes got violent with Clara . My presence screwed up the picture - perfect image he tried to portray to the outside world . But Jonny was the same age as me . I had looked up to Shawn , and I even looked up to Clara , but I considered Jonny my equal . If he yelled at me , I didn 't melt away . . . I just yelled back . We could be scrapping one minute , and then be friends again the next . I would holler at him to stop hitting Clara , and to stop drinking . He would shout at me to mind my own business . We would slump on the couch and drink Dr . Pepper together and talk like buddies . We understood some things that Clara never would , like how it felt to sleep outside , and why that could sometimes be fun ( we both loved camping . . . Clara , not so much ) and the benefits of buying groceries at Wal - Mart or Aldis ( Clara thought these stores would give us roaches and food poisoning ) and how to survive just about anything . On the other hand , I felt like Clara understood me like nobody else on Earth . I guess she sort of somewhat didn 't . She didn 't really believe that I had ADHD or Aspergers . . . she accused me of just " acting that way " to get attention . But even if that was what she thought , she accepted me wholly . Together , we could find humor in anything . . . from the trials of raising children ( she now had an infant girl as well ) to Jonny 's drunken antics , to the traumatic memories from our past . So many times we would both be laughing so hard , tears would run down our faces . When I was facing hard times , going through anxiety or depression or just freaking out about something , Clara was the only one who could help me to calm down . Usually we were hanging out as a " family . " At least one of the children were always with us , and sometimes Jonny . So we didn 't often get to do the ordinary things that women do with their friends , like go out for dinner or see movies or , I don 't know , whatever girls do . When we went shopping , it was for kids ' clothes and household products . When we ate out , it was McDonald 's or Chuck E . Cheese . When we saw movies , they were Pixar . Sometimes we had a ton of fun together . One time , we rented a hotel room near the local Six Flags part , and spent two days straight riding roller coasters . We often went to church together on Sunday mornings . It was annoying to watch Clara and Jonny talk to all of their church friends about their perfect little family , omitting the part where Jonny smoked rock and punched Clara , but at least we were doing things together ! I even spent holidays with them . Most Christmas Eves I would spend part of the night at Jonny 's parents house with him , then go back home with Jonny and Clara to do traditional Christmas Eve stuff with the kids , stay up late and help them wrap presents and stuff , wake up early in the morning for a present - opening session with the kids , and then go to my parents ' house to have Christmas there . Thanksgivings and Easters , even Mother 's Day , I often spent with Clara 's family . With both Clara and Jonny , they seemed to like me better when they were fighting . Clara would spend more time hanging out and having fun with me when she was fighting with Jonny . And when Clara was at work , Jonny would come to me to complain about Clara . I walked the fine line of trying to be both of their friend , trying to empathize with both of them without driving them further apart . Time went on . Jonny 's violence grew more frequent , and more severe . Clara 's son was now old enough to understand what was going on . One time , as Jonny threatened her with a knife , her son screamed and begged me to call the cops . I did it . When a terrified 6 - year - old begs you to call the cops on his father , you know things are bad . Holding a howling infant in one arm , and trying to coral the 6 - year - old in the safety of the bedroom , I called 9 - 1 - 1 and breathlessly told them our address . And when I told Clara what I had done ( Jonny had stormed out by this time , leaving her in a sobbing heap on the floor with her son trying to comfort her ) she screamed at me that I had ruined her family . " You don 't understand ! Your parents are still married ! Your father never went to jail ! " she snapped . To her , a father who was in your house trying to kill your mother was better than no father in your house at all . Clara had kicked Jonny out of the house many times , but they 'd always gotten back together . Eventually , shortly after that incident , they broke up again , and this time Clara swore it was for good . She allowed him to stay at the house for days at a time in order to visit the children , because he didn 't have a place of his own to bring them to . During these days , Jonny spent a lot of time vying for Clara 's affection . I thought for sure they 'd get back together . At first , Clara was going to have an abortion . I took the day off of work and showed up at her house early one morning in order to take her . I had mixed feelings about this . . . I hated the idea of abortions . . . but I knew it was Clara 's choice alone . When I got to her house , Clara was having second thoughts . It was one of those decisions that effects every aspect of your life . Choose one , and the rest of your life will be completely different from if you had chosen the other . Clara wasn 't sure she could raise a third child , especially now as a single parent . But she wasn 't ready to shut the door on the possibility of who or what that child would be . She hemmed and hawed . She would be all alone . It would not be fair to her other kids . But the father of this child didn 't have any other children , and this may have been his only chance . ( He was older than us . ) And what if she had aborted her oldest child , as people back then had urged her to do ? She couldn 't imagine life without him . What would life with this new one be like ? I told her that I would love any child she had , and that I would do whatever I could to help out , as I always had . " But you are the only one who can decide . Nobody else can tell you what to do , " I said . In the end , she decided not to go through with the abortion . Looking back , this was probably the beginning of the end . NOT specifically because of the baby . That baby would become the sunshine of my life . But because of the baby 's father . Steve was the kind of guy who attracted attention wherever he went . When he was a good mood , he had a ton of charisma . When I first met him , I thought he was amazing . He was , outwardly , kind to Clara 's other children , as well as to the baby . He was , outwardly , kind to me . It is very hard to explain Steve . I am still not sure what kind of person he was . He was like salt and pepper and sugar and vinegar all mixed into the same bottle . He was the kind of person who would offer to do you a favor , smile warmly and tell you it was no problem , and then behind your back complain endlessly about how he had to waste his time doing this stupid thing for you that you should be able to do for yourself . And then , when he saw you , he 'd be smiling again . Clara and Steve had arranged a complicated babysitting situation for the baby and Clara 's second - youngest child , with the two of them going to one place on certain days , another places on other days , and two separate places on still other days . I was going to school full time and I was having difficulty with my part - time job . Steve told Clara that , if I watched the children during the three days a week that I wasn 't in classes , he would pay me $ 300 a week . When Clara rationalized that they could pay for a day care center if they were paying that much , he said , " But Angel is family . Angel is quality goods . " When Clara told me that , I decided I 'd be the best nanny ever and keep the children stimulated and happy and learning at all times . And even though , by the time I started watching them , the amount of money had been downgraded to $ 200 a week , I put my heart and soul into caring for the children . The second - youngest was no longer in preschool , because they couldn 't afford that in addition to child care costs . I was studying to be a teacher , and I had worked in child care centers before . I used my skills to create fun " lesson plans " for her . ( The baby was still too young to do much of anything but ride around with me in a B ' journ . ) I did research to find free activities all over the community . I joined Meetup and signed us up for play groups . The walls became covered from the art projects we created . The kitchen was often messy from our science projects , which sometimes went awry . The kids ' clothes were often dirty by the end of the day . I felt that this meant I was doing a good job . When Clara and Steve began to complain that the house was too messy when they got home , I dedicated the last two hours of each day to cleaning the entire house . . . not only cleaning up after our projects , but doing the dishes , sweeping the floor , vacuuming , etc . At the time , I was watching the kids until when Clara got home , on the three days that I watched the kids . The plan was that I 'd then go home , and spend the rest of the day studying and doing homework , since I had classes the other two days . But Steve would often invite me to stay for dinner . . . and then he 'd suggest that I spend the night . And then he 'd say , as long as I was spending the night , would I mind watching the children so he and Clara could go out to the bar ? I usually said yes , because I wanted to make Steve and Clara happy . I wanted to be needed , to be part of the new little family that they were putting together . With Jonny and Shawn , I had usually felt like part of the group , although I knew they preferred the company of Clara , and she them . With Steve I didn 't have that built - in sense of belonging . I had to work for it . So , after a full day of putting all of my energy into caring for the children , I would watch them for a few more hours after dinner , and put them to bed . I would fall asleep without studying , and then get up in the morning and go to class . My grades began to fail . Sometimes Steve made plans for me to watch the children at night , without even checking with me . I watched the children on Saint Patrick 's Day . I loved holidays , and I had made a huge deal of it at home with the kids , with a leprechaun house and a treasure hunt and everything . Steve came home and asked me if I wanted to spend the night , as they all would be having a special Saint Patrick 's Day dinner that night , complete with green mashed potatoes and Green River soda . Of course I said yes ! So I was surprised , that night , when Clara didn 't come home for dinner . Steve prepared the obligatory dinner , and served it to the children and I . He did not eat with us . When I asked him where Clara was , he said she was working late . Then , after dinner , he got his coat on and got ready to leave . " Where are you going ? " I asked in confusion . He told me , " I 'm going to meet Clara for a few drinks . " The next day , when I told Clara I had been surprised that she didn 't come home for dinner , she told me Steve had called her from the house and said that I was going to watch the children . He 'd suggested she just meet him at the bar directly from work . She had no idea that Steve had never actually asked me to watch the kids , or that he 'd implied that we 'd all be spending the evening together ! Another time , on Steve 's birthday , some of Clara 's family members came over to celebrate with us . I had planned to stay for the celebration , but I was going to go home that night and do some much - needed homework . So after our dinner and cake , when Clara 's family members got up to leave , I got up to leave too . Clara looked angry , and barely said goodbye to me . She acted cold with me the next time I came to watch the children , as well . When I finally asked her why , she said she was " disheartened " that I had bailed out on watching the children on the evening of Steve 's birthday , because the two of them had had plans to go out . Stunned , I told her that I had no idea they wanted me to watch the children . Things like this happened frequently . Soon , it was just assumed that I would spend the night on the days that I watched the kids , so that Clara and Steve could go out . Night after night , I watched them go out , while I stayed at home , alone except for the little ones . On my birthday , as a special treat , they got another babysitter and let me come out with them for one hour , but then they had to return me back to the house , to my rightful duty of caring for the kids . I was sad . I was angry . I actually started to complain . " When I first started saying I 'd spend the night , it was because I thought we could all hang out , " I told Clara . " I don 't mind helping out with the kids in the evenings , but I don 't want to stay and take care of them all by myself every single time ! I might as well just go home at night . But if I went home at night , then you 'd stay home and hang out . So why couldn 't you stay home and hang out with me sometimes ? It is like , every time I 'm here , you guys automatically don 't be here . " Then Steve lost his job . He could no longer pay me to watch the children . I offered to continue watching the kids for free , for a while , so Steve could look for a job . My rationalization was that , in the time it would take me to find another job that worked with my school schedule , Steve might actually get a new job . Besides , I loved the kids . I loved being part of their every day lives . And I still clung to the dumb idea that Clara and the kids , and now Steve , were my family . A new job for Steve did not materialize . Instead , Steve found a friend of his whose son , the same age as Clara 's middle child , needed a babysitter for the summer and for after school . She would pay me $ 75 a week to watch the little boy , at Clara 's and Steve 's house . This way I could continue watching the kids , and make a little money . Now I was watching three and sometimes four children ( Clara 's oldest didn 't need so much direct supervision anymore ) full time , for $ 75 a week . In addition , I sometimes watched Steve 's young niece for free . I used much of the $ 75 from the new little boy 's mom on activities for all of the children . Although we mostly went to free places , it took a lot of gas , and since there was often not much food in the house , I often bought them all snacks or lunches as well . I didn 't take classes that summer . Because I had to watch the new little boy every day , I couldn 't go home at all during the week either . By the end of summer , I was living full time at Clara 's house . Clara began to feel crowded by having me around all the time . She especially hated that I had developed a close friendship with her other family members , including her mother and sisters . She began to make plans with her entire family , and not tell me about it . . . awkward when I was living at their house and they all collectively left without me to go somewhere . I remember one day I came home to an empty house . I remembered that Clara and Steve had been talking about going to Clara 's mom 's house for the day , and I had somehow assumed I was going too . I called Clara 's cell phone to ask where she was , imagining that she would tell me to meet them over there . But she didn 't answer . I called several more times , leaving more and more frantic messages , like the codependent person I was . When she still didn 't answer , I tried Steve 's phone , then Clara 's mother 's phone , and then her sisters ' phones . " You can 't expect to be with me all the time . This was just supposed to be a job , and you turned it into so much more . Sometimes I just want to be with my family ! " When Clara and Steve and the kids came home , Clara acted like nothing had happened . Later , she sort of apologized . " But you have to understand , Angel , we can 't have the same kind of friendship that we had when we were 19 . I have a boyfriend and children now . " I understood the general concept , sort of . I didn 't have a boyfriend or children , so it was hard for me to understand that , once a person had those things , nobody else was as important . It was hard to think about that , since I didn 't have these things , there was nobody in the world who would ever consider me so important . I knew I was too clingy of a friend . I always wanted more . I was so desperate to belong somewhere , if I could have been legally adopted as one of Clara 's kids I probably would have . At the same time , though . . . Clara had also had a boyfriend and children when I met her , and the whole time that we 'd been friends . Why was it supposed to be different now ? By fall , my day looked like this . I would get up early , help get Clara 's kids ready for the day , intercept the other boy when he got dropped off , take the other boy to school , come home , do activities with the youngest kid ( who was now a toddler ) until 3 , go pick up the new boy and the middle kid ( they were in the same grade but went to different schools , which both got out at the same time , so this was a daily stressful challenge to try to be at two places at once . Usually I would try to get there a little early to pick up the boy , and I 'd have Clara 's daughter wait in front of the school until I got there , picking her up 10 minutes later than I was supposed to . Sometimes it would take longer , depending on when the boy 's teacher let him out of class and how much he dawdled in the hallway . The school complained about this to Clara , who complained about it to me . So I tried the opposite . . . I rushed to pick up Clara 's daughter as early as I could , and then scurried to get the boy . But the school complained to his mother , who said to me , " That is not going to fly . " ) After I had somehow accumulated both of the first graders , we would go to the park for a while . . . my only chance to sit down and rest my brain for a while . Then I 'd take them home . The boy 's mother had complained that she didn 't have time to do his homework with him after work , and asked that I have him do it there , which meant that I had to get both first graders to sit at the table and do their homework . This required a lot of monitoring , helping , and bribery . During this time I also had to watch the youngest child ( I usually gave her a coloring book and told her it was her homework ) and clean the entire house , including a mammoth sized pile of dishes . Sometimes I 'd have free time in the evenings , until Clara complained that , as a member of the household , I still needed to help out with the children even once she and Steve were home . I was a very stressed person . In addition , I hadn 't signed up for classes for that semester . I just didn 't have time for school , being up to my elbows in children ! Clara 's point was that , before I had started watching the kids , the youngest one had been content to just sit quietly in a bouncy seat all evening long . She had been a very low - maintenance baby . But since I 'd been around , her personality had exploded , and she 'd turned into an extremely energetic , constantly talking , and often whining and demanding , toddler . I had spoiled her by spending too much time with her . The other kids were ruined to . The middle child had gotten a - 2 on her spelling test , so I must not be doing a great job helping her with her homework , and the oldest child had been disrespectful lately . Whenever Clara got mad at me for something , she 'd threaten to kick me out . Then Steve would promise that he wouldn 't let that happen . Steve liked to try to be my saviour . But then he 'd talk to Clara , behind my back , about wanting me to leave . Oh yeah , and I almost forgot to mention about the dogs . Clara had a dog . The summer that the baby had been born , she 'd gotten her oldest son a second dog , which was meant to be his alone . It was a sort of " sorry we 're in kind of a mess " gift . Now she had a boy dog and a girl dog , neither one of whom was altered . And do you know what happened next ? Yeah . Clara and Steve had never liked the boy dog because he barked a lot and wasn 't house trained . So they had made Clara 's son give the dog to his friend . And if you know how much I love animals , you know I had loved the hell out of that dog . He was a very anxious dog who never adjusted to the chaos of the household , and he 'd gotten very attached to me . But he wasn 't my dog . So I couldn 't do anything when Steve and Clara ( and even their kids ) spanked him repeatedly for going to the bathroom in the house , and locked him in the backyard or in his cage all day long . He would be in his cage crying and yelping . I would try to stay away from home as much as I could on those days , because I felt like it would be easier for the dog if he didn 't have to hear and smell me but not get to be near me . When they gave him away , I cried like my heart was broken . Even knowing the dog would be happier in his new home , where the family would cherish him , I cried because I knew he would miss me , and I would miss him . The girl dog had puppies . Clara and Steve gave away all but one . They let the oldest boy choose one to keep for himself . He chose a little brownish - yellow puppy with a pink nose . He was going to sleep with the puppy , take care of it , and train it . But being a 12 - year - old boy , he did not do many of those things . At night he would bring the puppy to me to sleep with , saying she was moving around too much . This new puppy was a lot like her father , because she barked a lot and peed on the floor a lot . And I was head over heels in love with this tiny pup . I fed her , slept with her , and took care of her . I tried to potty train her , but she still stubbornly went to the bathroom in the house . She also fought with her mother dog . One night when Steve and Clara came home late from the bar , while the kids were already sleeping , Clara screamed at her and kicked the cage until the puppy yelped . Whenever she went to the bathroom in the house , barked too much , or fought with the other dog , Clara and Steve would spank her , scream at her , and lock her in the cage . They threatened to get rid of her . Clara put notices on Facebook asking if anyone wanted the little dog . They made definite plans to take her to the pound . It tortured me . I would hold this little pup . . . now the happiest thing in my life . . . and weep . I couldn 't lose another one . One day , Clara and Steve had set a definite day to drop the puppy off at the pound . And the day before that , they went to the pet store and got ANOTHER DOG ! It was like rubbing salt in my wounds , getting a new dog , while the dog he was replacing was still here ! But at the last minute , Clara gave me the best gift ever . She told me that I could keep the little pink - nosed puppy . I moved out shortly thereafter . I took the little puppy back to my parents ' house . Amazingly , she very quickly became potty trained , and stopped barking so much . Meanwhile , I drove each day back to Clara 's house to care for all of the children . But I had started to become detached . I was really just doing this because I loved the kids . I had given up on ever finding any sort of peace with Clara or Steve . I would never be more than a babysitter to them . To the children I was an auntie , and even a second mother . But to Clara and Steve , I was nothing . A babysitter . A clingy babysitter who wanted to be a friend and wouldn 't take no for an answer . I had been living with them and watching the kids for several years now . I had stopped going to school . I only had a few more classes to go before I was eligible for student teaching . I decided I had to start moving my life forward . I told Clara and Steve that I was going to be going back to school full time and wouldn 't be able to babysit anymore . They were fine with it . They seemed to understand . Besides , I told them , I could still come watch the kids on an as - needed basis . And ( I hoped ) maybe if I wasn 't living there , we could actually hang out and have fun when I did come over . All was going well . I watched the children until after the first few days of winter vacation . That was to be my last week . But we talked about hopefully seeing each other before Christmas . My brother , who lived in another state , was going to be coming into town the day before Christmas Eve . My parents planned on our going out to dinner together as soon as we picked him up from the air port . That morning , Steve called and asked if I would come over and watch the kids while he and Clara did some Christmas shopping , and then I could spend the night there too . I explained that I could not spend the night , because my brother was coming , and that we were going out to dinner with him . It was important to my parents that I was there for that . But , I said , I could come over for a few hours . He told me to come over at 3 . Assuming Clara had gotten off of work early so they could go Christmas shopping , I headed to their house . But Clara was at work , and only Steve was home . The kids were running amok . I did some Christmas - themed crafts with the kids , that I had brought over . I waited for Steve to leave . He didn 't . I asked him when Clara would be home . He said he didn 't know . I reminded him that I had to go to my parents ' for dinner . He said he remembered . It was nearing six when my mom called . They 'd gotten my brother from the airport . He was hungry . They wanted to go out to dinner as soon as possible . When would I be coming ? " I don 't know . They haven 't even gone shopping yet . Clara hasn 't even gotten home from work yet , " I said . I was talking a little defensively , because I was feeling trapped between Steve 's expectations and those of my parents . My mom urged me to come home as soon as I could . When I hung up , Steve told me , " Just go . If it is important to your mom , just go . I don 't want you to get in trouble . " He seemed a little irritated . I didn 't know what to do . I went . As I drove away , my phone rang again , and Clara 's name came up on my caller ID . I didn 't answer it . I could almost guarantee Steve had called her to tell her I wasn 't going to watch the kids , and she was calling to bitch me out . I had to be done with this . The day after Christmas , Steve called . Years ago , I had gotten library cards for the two youngest children , plus the other boy I babysat . They were under my name . I 'd gotten them so the children could attend story times and other special events at the library . It wasn 't enough for an adult to have a card . . . at that library , each child , even infants , had to have their own . Because of the chaos of our daily lives , each of the children , and I , had some seriously overdue books . The library had sent notices to Steve and Clara 's house , addressed " To the parents of " each child . Steve was angry . He told me that I had better pay the library fee , because otherwise the fee would go on his credit . Although I tried to explain that , as far as the library was concerned , I was responsible for the children , because their cards were under my name , He wanted me to go to the library immediately and pay . And the thing was , I didn 't have the money just then . Did he not remember I 'd been making $ 75 a week for years ? I had spent most of my tiny savings on Christmas gifts . Clara began to call . I didn 't answer . She left scathing messages on my voicemail . I listened to the first one until I heard the sentence , " Obviously our friendship was over . " The rest of them , I deleted without listening to . I had posted pictures of the children on Facebook , from our last week together . Clara and Steve left comments implying that I had " quit without notice . " I posted a status saying , if anyone on my friends list didn 't actually want to be my friend , they should just defriend me instead of posting things about me . They defriended me immediately . Then Jonny called to let me know that Clara and Steve had posted their own statuses telling everyone that I owed them a lot of money and refused to pay , and that they were no longer friends with me . They were urging our mutual friends to unfriend me . Jonny told me he had defended me , pointing out that I had cared for their children for years for free . Clara had shot back that they had paid me with room and board . ( Except for a few months when I 'd slept in a spare bedroom , until it had been decided that the oldest child 's friend could move in and have that room , I 'd slept on couches . . . and if one of the children felt like sleeping on the couch , I had been demoted to the floor . And I 'd signed up for food stamps , and contributed every bit of them to feed the children . ) I blocked Clara and Steve from my Facebook . Many of our mutual friends unfriended me . A few actually double - crossed me by staying friends on Facebook , pretending to be my friend , and then showing my Facebook page to Clara or reporting to her things that I 'd posted . ( I never posted anything about her or having to do with her again , so it wasn 't like I was posting mean things about her and her friends were telling her . It was just random bits of information about my life . ) For a while Jonny begged me to try to be friends with Clara again , for the children 's sake . I could still see the kids , he reasoned . I could not walk out of their lives , after all this . He actually organized a few phone calls between the children and me . I knew a lot of it had been my fault . I had wanted too much , given too much , and accepted too little in return . I had acted like a pathetic , desperate person who only deserved the minimum , and I had been treated as such . I had kept on hoping for a sense of belonging and family that Clara was unwilling to give . I had let myself get worn down to the point of nothing . I was like a dull , broken crayon with the wrapper scraped off . I knew I had to get stronger and learn to be comfortable with myself , without needing someone else so bad . I needed to learn how to be a good friend , without actually crawling inside the person 's skin and living their life with them . I needed my own life . I needed to expect friendships that went two ways , where the person would come to my house sometimes , where we would occasionally do things I liked to do , and where one of us was not responsible for cleaning the other 's house and caring for their children . To this day ( it has been three years , eight months , and two weeks since I 've spoken to any of them ) I miss Clara and the kids . I miss the children fiercely . I raised the baby from the time she was an infant , to the time she was almost four . I taught her to love books and to love doing art projects . I taught her the ABC 's , numbers , shapes and letters . I spent every minute of my life on that baby , more than I did on the other children , because they were in school a lot of the time . We had a rhythm together . I would take her grocery shopping with me and I would amuse her with playful arguing , bantering back and forth about why she couldn 't have candy for lunch or why she thought Elmo was boring now . Strangers commented on how close we seemed . I had special relationships with each one of the kids , including the little boy I watched after school . . . but I feel like the baby was the one whom I raised the most . I even miss Jonny . He and I talked on the phone a few times , and we stayed Facebook friends for a while . But he is married and has another baby now , and his wife made him cut off ties from me . . . from his " past . " And Clara . . . I miss laughing with her . I miss talking to her for hours on the phone . I miss how dumb little outings , like going shopping at Target , became misadventures that we 'd talk about for weeks . I miss how we 'd both sit on the couch reading for hours , tuning out the chaos around us . We often traded books . I miss going to movies together ( when she was married to Jonny , on the rare occasion he 'd watch the children while we went out , something we never did again once Steve was around ) and then talking about how they made us feel . But I don 't miss always trying to make her happy , worrying that she 'd be mad at me , worrying that she 'd take something I said the wrong way and give me the silent treatment . I hope someday I am strong enough to be her friend again . There are so many times when I 've wanted to email her or call her . . . but I am afraid . One part of me is afraid that she will still hate me , and that I will be hurt . But the other part is afraid that she will forgive me completely , and things will go back to exactly the way they were before . I am afraid of becoming that clingy , needy person again . I am afraid of letting myself disappear again . I need to be stronger . Someday . . . JSeptember 19 , 2014 at 4 : 31 AMI read your entire post , and am just happy you realize now that there are always people out there who look to take advantage of a kind , giving soul . I always think , despite the pain involved , that it is better to be a person who is taken advantage of than to be the one who shamelessly uses people . While I am glad those innocent children had your stability in their lives for a short time , I also sincerely hope you do not contact Clara . You 've accomplished much for yourself under trying circumstances and deserve only the best . You 're on that path now ! Don 't allow anyone to steer you off of it ! ReplyDeleteRepliesAngel The AlienSeptember 20 , 2014 at 5 : 36 PMThanks ! Actually your response helped me look at that whole post in a different way , and I saw how Clara has no place in my new life now . I am not planning to contact her any time soon , and I have been working on shutting the door on that part of my life ! Thanks for your encouragement . DeleteReplyShay TrashaySeptember 20 , 2014 at 7 : 59 AMIt 's always so hard when children are involved . It seems like you are well - adjusted and smart , though , so hold onto those qualities ! ReplyDeleteRepliesAngel The AlienSeptember 20 , 2014 at 5 : 37 PMHaha , I don 't know how well - adjusted I am , but thanks ! Leaving the kids was definitely the hardest part . I never thought I would do it . It feels unnatural . But I am in touch with some of their family members , and hopefully as they get older they will be able to contact me on their own ! DeleteReplyAdd commentLoad more . . . All SPAM will be deleted immediately , so don 't even bother ! If you have a Blogger profile set to allow email replies , I will reply through email ! If not , I often reply in the comments section , so please check back . Go ahead and tell me what you really think ! I won 't get mad ! |
I didn 't say anything else about the loveless tattoo and neither did he . He seemed to act like it was perfectly normal for me to know this tattoo as if it was just as common as the word " Mom " on a sailor 's arm . I didn 't feel comfortable pursuing it further because then I 'd have to reveal a whole range of things about last night and I didn 't want to go there . " Truth . Hmmm . Tell you what . You tell me the truth why you came over last night , and I 'll tell you any truth about me you want to know . " I looked at him for a moment . This could be very tricky and could bring the hope of any type of friendship to a crashing halt . I mean come on , what was I supposed to say ? I just came over to put a stake through your heart ? He stopped walking . He sighed , running his fingers through his long blond hair as if he was thinking or debating something within himself . Finally , he looked at me . " Fair enough , " he said . We walked on a couple more blocks before he spoke again . " So , you like tattoos ? " He smiled so brightly I could see his perfect white teeth . It made me realize I had just invited a vampire to my home . What an idiot . But what puzzled me about that were two things : one , his walking in daylight , and two , when he smiled I could see no fangs , not even an overbite . Perhaps I 'd been wrong . Maybe I just have an obsessive compulsive " vampires are everywhere " disorder … We stepped up on the sidewalk and crossed over into my yard . I hadn 't realized while we had been walking , but he was right up next to me , only inches from my body . The only way we could be closer is if we 'd been holding hands . Why I thought of that analogy I don 't know . It would be pretty weird holding hands with a vampire . Aren 't they clammy and icy cold to the touch ? Still , it seemed as if he had no concept of personal space . And I had no concept of not minding that fact . It made me a little self - conscious , the lack of distance between us . A girl thinks of these things you know . All kinds of thoughts went through my head : Do I have anything stuck in my teeth ? Can he see where I 've tried to cover up my acne scars ? Is my breath okay ? Do I smell ? If any of these things were noticed he never said , much to my happiness . We stopped at my front porch . " Here we go , " he said . " Safe and sound . " He edged closer and I backed up onto the step . I had kissed a boy before and I know what happens when you allow him to go all the way to the front door . He stepped up onto the step with me and began to lean close ever so slowly . I couldn 't believe this . I knew he was hot and all , but it 's worse if he knows it . I could only take this to mean he was making his move . I could feel my palms starting to sweat and my face felt flushed . His face nearly grazed my cheek , his beautiful dark eyes making contact with my frightened doe look . His lips were at my ear and I could feel his warm breath against it . I closed my eyes and braced myself . It was either that or run , and to be honest , my legs were so weak I couldn 't have moved if I wanted to . I heard the sound of his tongue passing over his lips and then he whispered , " Someone 's watching us . " Now I was really getting pissed . " Dumb ass , that 's a manikin . Old Mrs . Winston put that up to keep kids off her lawn . " I put some distance between us for real by stepping up two more steps on the porch . I looked past him , squinting my eyes in the afternoon sun to try and see what he was talking about . After a moment I saw it , a shadowy figure behind the manikin . At first I thought it was another one , but then I could see it move . My anger at Haru started to subside , replaced by alarm . Who was in Mrs . Winston 's house ? When he was sure I saw it , Haru turned and looked also . The figure disappeared back into the shadows of the room . " I 'll take care of this , " said my new neighbor . He stopped and turned to me . His hand reached up and took mine gently off his arm . His touch was not cold at all . In fact , he was pretty warm . And his skin was soft . For the first time I noticed he was wearing nail polish the color of his hair . He let go of my hand quickly as if I had scorched him , and said , " Nora , go home . I will take care of this . " Then he gave me a sharp look . " Do not follow me . " He started across Mrs . Winston 's lawn . I couldn 't believe he was just going to walk up there and enter her house . And for what or whom ? And how did he expect to even cross the threshold ? Without even thinking , I yelled at him , " Vampires can 't go in uninvited , you idiot ! " He came to a complete stop so fast you 'd thought he hit a brick wall . He turned towards me slowly and started walking back to where I stood , now afraid . I took a couple steps back . " Stop , " he said . His voice was quiet and lilting , and I was helpless . I had to obey his command . It was like something within me shut down and he could have demanded anything of me . He stepped right up to me and I didn 't flinch . Leaning in , his eyes were nearly touching mine and I felt like he could consume me whole and I wouldn 't care . Then just as quickly as the helplessness came , it went away . I must have been holding my breath because it came out of my mouth heavily . Now my head screamed run before he could do anything else . I was looking him right in his eyes . Tears had erupted from those dark orbs and were streaming down his face . I had never seen a boy cry before . In my world they were tough and invincible . Nothing could hurt their emotionless shell . But not this boy . He was weak , vulnerable , crumbling to pieces before my eyes . I almost cried myself seeing it . He wiped his arm across his face and cast a look back at Mrs . Winston 's . Then he returned his eyes to mine . " If you dream tonight , and it 's not me , don 't invite them in . Okay ? " He then walked away from me , moving briskly across the yard to his own . He never said goodbye . He didn 't even look back . I stood there watching , wondering what just happened , and knowing everything had changed between us in an instant . We were not strangers any longer . I was not a killer . He was not a vampire . We were two souls now connected by something beyond us . And looking beyond my yard at Mrs . Winston 's house , I saw the thing that could destroy us both as it shifted in the window . You know you have the potential for stalking when you wake up and the first thing you do is go to your bedroom window to peek out and spy on the house next door . I don 't know what I was expecting to see : trash littering the lawn from their all - night party , drunken guests crashed out under the trees . What I didn 't expect to see was my mom sitting in a lawn chair on their front porch engaged in conversation with some guy in an expensive business suit . It wasn 't the vampire boy or the puzzle freak . No , this guy was very different . The way he was dressed screamed success . Gray and white pinstripe suit , black framed glasses , hair combed neat . He could have been a lawyer , doctor , or maybe a college professor . And there was mom , animated in the moment . She didn 't have a drink in her hand either . It made me wonder if perhaps an alien spaceship had come down last night and stole my mom , leaving a strange doppelganger in her place . It also made me wonder just how many people had moved in next door . Stepping from the window I retrieved my cell phone from the dresser and woke it up from sleep mode . I checked the photo gallery to see if someone had snuck in and used the camera again . No , it was still showing the photo of the boy 's chest emblazoned with the tattoo that read " loveless . " It was easy to tell the person was young , his skin smooth and flawless . No blemishes or moles , no acne or skin tags . This boy had been the perfect canvas for the tattoo artist . On a good day I would have stared at the photo awhile and fantasized about what the boy 's face looked like , but not today . " Prick , " I muttered , and put my phone back to sleep . I got dressed in my usual school attire of blue jeans and t - shirt . The knees of the jeans had holes in them . Not the precut ones you can buy now . No , I had these pants for years and am happy to say they were faded and worn from actual use . The t - shirt was a novelty thing I had picked up online . It was white and pink and had a hello kitty type character on the front . I wouldn 't usually be caught dead in a girly shirt but the fact the Hello Kitty type character was carrying a chain saw and the severed head of an Angry Bird made it a lot cooler . I put on my glitter converse shoes and began to look around for my book bag . It was nowhere to be found . Oh that 's right ; I had left it sitting on the front porch when I had come home from school yesterday . I bounced down the steps and was about to open the front door when it began to open from the outside . I jumped back startled . It was my mom coming in from next door and in her hands she was holding the book bag . She was also holding a stern look . She nodded to let me know it was okay , which was totally unlike mom . She should have been lighting into me about the money it costs to replace lost school books or to remind me that dad would probably want his backpack back when he got out . I wondered what he would need it for other than packing up and getting the hell out of this crazy house . " Okay , dear . Let me get the keys . I have to go in to work before you get off school . You don 't need a ride home do you ? " She didn 't seem to be bothered by the dig , and soon with her keys in hand we were heading out the door . Down the steps I followed her , both of us daring to look over at the house next door . To our equal dismay , everything looked quiet and calm . No one was outside , not even the puzzle man . " Oh , that was Mr . Tomoko . He 's our new neighbor . He was apologizing for an apparent loud party he had over there last night . Did you hear anything ? " She gave me a weird look . I had been blessed with my father 's lack of tact and overabundance of curiosity . She smiled . " He said it was a business party for associates and different interests he had dealings with . " After that we drove the rest of the way in silence . At school , I got out of the car without so much as an ' I love you ' or ' see you later . ' I was turning to close the door when mom leaned across the seat . " Well , you know , being fifteen and all . Trying to find your way and place among your peers . I remember it was an awkward time for me too . I didn 't know what I wanted either . " Suddenly it dawned on me . She had heard the rumors , too . It had taken awhile but things do travel across Facebook and eventually land in front of your parents . " Mom , it 's not true … " I didn 't know if she was feigning ignorance or whether I was just reaching , so I shut up about it . " Nothing . Never mind , I 've got to go to class . " I didn 't even make it to the first class before trouble came knocking . My guidance counselor , a middle aged woman named Miss Thomas , caught me in the hall and asked me to come to her office . She offered me a chair across from her well - ordered desk , and cleared her throat . " I won 't make you go , Nora . But if you don 't , you 'll lack the credits to graduate to eleventh . You 'll be held back a year while all your friends move on . " For a moment I thought that might not be a bad idea . Let everyone who knows me get ahead , so the new students coming in won 't know a thing about me . The Trumps would be moving ahead , too . It would almost be like going to a new school with a different peer group . It seemed once you shifted up a grade , those that didn 't move up with you were forgotten or otherwise ignored . She must have known what I was thinking . " It 's not as bad as it may seem . The classes are very small in our summer school program . The tutors are excellent and you only go half a day . Small price to pay to make up all the unsatisfactory work . " Well , we need to get you signed up if you 're going to do this . I 'll give you until tomorrow . But you are the last one to commit . Other students have already signed up and paid their fees . " I got up and left her office in a bummed out mood . Summer was going to be wasted at a school desk . Angela would probably have three boyfriends before I even got out of school . The rest of the school day was like a dull headache , the kind that is too small for an aspirin , but too big to think about other things . I coasted through my early classes and met up with Angela at lunch . When I told her about Summer school she was just as bummed as me . " Yeah , I 'll probably go . When mom finds out , she 'll make me . My dad dropped out in the ninth so she 'll be pushing me not to follow in his footsteps . " " Shit girl , I 'm sorry . I was hoping you 'd get lucky . Better yet , I was hoping he had a hot cousin or something for me . " " I 'm sure they were , " I replied . It figures that the biggest hoes in the whole school would be there . My jerkface neighbor was probably drooling all over them . Hell , they may have even been the reason he had humiliated me the way he did . " Damn , total strikeout , " she said . I had to agree , but if the Trumps had been in attendance I wouldn 't have wanted to be there anyway . At least now I knew not to waste my time with a certain cute Asian boy . The sun outside was so bright it was killing my eyes . We were standing on the front steps of the building waiting for Angela 's bus . It was always the last one , which almost always put us in the line of fire when it came to The Trumps and others who loved to sneer at us . As one bus was pulling away , some stupid jock hung his head out the window yelling , " Come on , kiss her . " We both flipped him off . People are so stupid . " What ? " I nearly screamed at her . I was facing away from the buses and looking right at her , alarmed . She clutched her chest and nearly all the color went out of her face . I turned and nearly dropped my backpack . It was the Asian boy from next door . He was standing at the bottom of the steps looking right up at us . He came up a couple of steps and stopped . " I . . uh . . wanted to apologize . " He waited for a response and when I didn 't give one , he continued . " And possibly … maybe . . if you would allow me . . to um … walk you home . " I crossed my arms . He wasn 't getting off the hook this easy ; I didn 't care that he was wearing tight leather pants and a white pullover shirt that seemed to hug his frame in all the right places . " I guess it depends , " I answered . " What are you apologizing for ? " He looked around , taking in his surroundings and the fact other students had stopped to watch the exchange . He bowed his head and whole upper body . " I apologize for … being insensitive and having a joke at your expense . My humor was not appropriate for the occasion . I meant no … dishonor . " I uncrossed my arms and was getting ready to say something when he turned and went back down the steps , walking away at a brisk pace , as if he wanted nothing more than to get away . I looked around and noticed a considerably sized crowd had formed , including two of the three Trumps . They were smirking to themselves . He looked up at me with those dark eyes filled with surprise . The sad look on his lips turned into a boyish smile . " I would like that honor , Nora . " I turned around and saw Angela , her eyes gone wide . It had been a roundabout way but I had gotten his name after all . She silently mouthed , ' call me later ' as her bus pulled up . I noticed the Trumps were gone , too . It wasn 't a short walk from school . It seemed even longer simply because I was walking home with a strange boy I had only spoken to once before , and even then I felt like I had done the talking . If he was in his element at night , you wouldn 't have known it by his ease at walking home under the burning sun , which in itself was surprising to me . If he was a vampire , how could he stand to be out in the direct sunlight without burning to ash ? Hell , he didn 't even sparkle . My face really turned red this time . I don 't think a guy had ever said anything to embarrass me that bad before . " Oh , was it obvious ? " I finally asked , trying to play it off . " Um … yes . " He gave me an inquisitive look . " I just wonder if you do a chest inspection with every guy you meet , or if I 'm something special . " Once again he was having a laugh at my expense , but I wasn 't so mad about it this time . In fact , I kind of liked it . His eyes almost seemed to dance in the light as he spoke . I couldn 't look at them for long ; they were too intense , and he seemed to know this because he kept trying to make eye contact . He raised an eyebrow . " You 're not very forward , you know that ? " He laughed at the expression on my face . " Yes , I have a tattoo . " It was dark out but the house was lit up like Christmas . It seemed like every light was on and I could see movement behind the curtains . Lots and lots of movement . In fact it looked like my new neighbors were throwing a party . The weird thing was just a few moments ago when I looked out , there didn 't seem to be any activity outside at all . Now I stood there on my front porch unsure of what to do . I couldn 't very well waltz into the middle of a throw down and stake someone through their heart . The night was oppressively quiet . Even in my yard it was like a graveyard , still and silent . I stepped off my porch and walked across the yard . My eyes still on the house , I could see all kinds of partying going on and yet there was no sound , not one single muffled noise . Suddenly a door opened on the side of the house facing me . Loud rock music interrupted the quiet with a cacophony of sound . B ' z . Las Vegas . I knew the song , though a large part of it wasn 't even in English . I spent many long hours streaming music from Japanese radio stations on my laptop , never thinking I 'd have neighbors who would nearly bring it to my door . With the door still open , I could hear some people shout out the lyrics , " Won 't you come with me ? Ah - ha - ha ! " Then the door shut again . A figure was now wrapped in the night on the side patio . I stood completely still and watched them , wondering if they had seen me . The figure let out a sigh and tilted his head to the sky . It was a clear night and the moon and stars seemed to illuminate his face . It was the boy I had seen the night before . Clearly he was Asian , and hopefully no relation to the puzzle man . He wore what looked like a schoolboy 's uniform , the kind they wore in the harem animes I watched . He could have just stepped out of " Uta No Prince Sama " and I waited to see if he would suddenly break out into a song . He didn 't . He was too enraptured with the night sky as if he were cataloguing the stars in his head . He put a hand up to his head and ran his fingers through his shoulder length blond hair . It looked kind of out of place on him as most Asians I 'd seen had black hair and dark eyes , but it was obvious this boy was different . His hair didn 't looked like it had been dyed . No , it looked like the color had been sucked out of his locks , leaving him with a pale blond that if two shades lighter would have been white . Even his skin looked paler , but not sickly . His face was smooth as if he hadn 't even started shaving yet , and when he turned his head in my direction I saw his eyes were the color of dark almonds . And unfortunately , those eyes had just seen me . There was nothing I could do . Sure , I could have charged him with my vampire stake in hand . Or I could have run screaming for help . But I did neither of these . Instead , I took a bold step over the threshold of his yard and approached him . Just like earlier that day , it was like walking into a vacuum . I could feel the crunch of the grass and twigs beneath my feet but heard no sound . I wondered if he spoke if it would be a silent whisper for me to try and decipher . I came to a stop at the edge of the patio . In three steps I could be up there with him , but something told me to stop where I was and remember why I had been going over there to begin with . This was going nowhere . I tried something different and a little closer . I pointed behind him to his house , where the party was going full tilt . " Having a party ? " I sighed . This was just great . It appeared he neither understood nor spoke English . No matter if you looked at him as a hot guy or vampire , in both areas you were screwed . Trying to figure out if he had the tattoo was going to be near impossible , unless I just reached out and ripped his shirt open , which despite my anger over invasion of privacy seemed like a nice idea . After all , he was very cute , and his white school boy shirt had two buttons already unfastened at the top . I could see his collar bone and the very beginnings of his chest , but not enough to tell if he was tattooed . Now I was the one not understanding . " Huh ? " I looked around to see if there was anyone nearby to help , but the party was inside not out here . " English ? " I finally asked in desperation . This was ridiculous , but just my luck . Meet hot guy , can 't talk to him . It figures . So , in the most desperate way of thinking I pulled out all the stops . Pointing at him , I asked , " Vampire ? " He scrunched up his nose and squinted his eyes almost to the point of closing . He shrugged and shook his head back and forth again . Clearly he didn 't understand . I noticed his lips were moist and his teeth perfect white . I wanted to punch him in the face . Instead , I gave him my fiercest look . " Screw you . You understand that ? " and stalked off so mad I could have pulled the stake out the back of my pants and stabbed him from there . Up in my room I cried . I couldn 't help it . Everything about the day came crashing over me . First , the Trumps and all their crap , the cellphone picture and the intruder who had taken it , the invasive feeling in the shower , My drunken mom oblivious to my needs as a daughter , dad locked up in an institution , and now this guy making fun of me , having a big laugh at my expense . It didn 't matter anymore if he was a vamp and needed killing . I was completely humiliated and made a fool . I pulled open my desk drawer . It was usually reserved for my school work , but there was something hidden in that drawer that I desperately needed . I shuffled pencils and paperclips around , moved some papers , and then located it . It was a man 's open razor blade , the old kind they used to put in shaving razors and box cutters . It had a slight stain on its edge from use . I tossed it on the bed and sat down . The tears were much heavier now , and all I could feel emotionally was absolute anguish . I hated me . I took my pants off and sat back in bed . My tank top was so long it covered my underwear and I nervously fumbled with the bottom edge of it . The X - Japan logo instantly made me think of my favorite song by them , Tears . There was a line in there that said , " Dry your tears with love . " That was Bullshit , I thought . Tears can 't be dried . They are always there and so I raked the razor blade across my leg just above the knee . I knew it would leave a little scar to go along with the previous ones , but I didn 't care . All I was was exemplified in the physical truth . I was nothing more than tears and scars . Later , I lay in bed on top of the covers , the stinging from the six gashes on my upper leg still keeping me awake . The blood had congealed and was nearly caked on the wounds , a reminder of my pain and turmoil . I often pretended that everything was okay with me . Angela was oblivious to it all . It 's not that she didn 't care . It was just something I couldn 't share with her , or any of my other friends and classmates . This was the only thing I had that was completely mine . Everything else had been torn from me by other people or life events and been put on public display . But a girl isn 't happy unless she has that one secret that nobody knows . I guess I started cutting after dad got sent away . The public humiliation and teasing became a lot to bear . Mom disappeared into the bottle , I into the feel of a sharp razor across my skin . And I 'm not one of those who did it just to feel something . Sometimes maybe that was true , but for me I did it to cover up my real pain , my loneliness . It 's hard to be crying over someone hurting you or something depressing when your pain is real and excruciating . So , my physical attack on myself was to mask the real hurt . It 's the only way I could get beyond it . I finally fell asleep around two AM and it wasn 't long before I was hardcore dreaming . I have really vivid dreams . I am one of those who can wake up and have instant recall of the dreamscape . A lot of people wake confused and disoriented , trying to grasp the images that fade at a rapid rate . But I 'm not like that . I 'm pretty clear headed when I awaken , even though it does take a while to rouse me from my deep sleep . My dream that night was of the puzzle man . I was out there in the backyard again and he was handing me puzzle pieces to put in place . The puzzle was different and it kept changing every time I looked down at it . Once it depicted a mound of decapitated heads , another time it was a young couple making love , a stake penetrating both of their bodies impaling them to the ground . The next glance revealed a river of blood , upon its banks bloody swords in the hands of massacred teenagers . And each time the missing piece was a female face which always turned out to be the piece in my hand . Finally , the bizarre vampire man , who again spoke in guttural noises , got up and scattered the pieces , overturning the card table with fury . A piercing sound erupted from his throat and eventually it started to sound like a word : Imouto . . He clenched his fists and shouted this several times over . Blood started to run down his hand where his fingers dug into the flesh and he offered it to me . I jolted awake . Wide awake and staring at the ceiling , I didn 't know what to make of the nightmare . None of it made sense . But it freaked me out just the same . It would be awhile before sleep came again , so I got up from bed , threw a robe over my t - shirt and underwear and went to my window . I gently parted the curtains to look out , expecting to see vampire boy staring up at the heavens . But he wasn 't anywhere to be seen . The party was apparently still going full force but I couldn 't hear anything from my house . I probably wouldn 't have heard anything even standing right outside their door . I couldn 't believe they were still going at it at this hour . It was a school night damn it . And where did all these party goers come from ? If they had just moved to Chelsea Valley , how the hell did they know so many people ? I couldn 't believe everyone came with them from their old house . Suddenly the side door opened and the boy emerged . He had lost the uniform and was now in sweat pants and a tank top . The dim light from the stars illuminated his skin and for a moment I thought I caught a glimpse of a tattoo . The very edge of it seemed to peek out of his tank top , but I couldn 't tell if this was certain or just a trick of the light . Personally , I really didn 't care anymore . If he was the creeper who 'd been in my room earlier it just allowed me to hate him more . It would be a long time , maybe forever , before I 'd try to talk to him again . What he 'd done was mean spirited and not funny at all . He had played with me in my awkwardness and uncertainty , and made me out to be a complete and embarrassed fool . He was no better than the Trumps , and once I had some rest I was going to expose him to the sun and watch him burn with the same glee he had exhibited when he made fun of me tonight . I rode Angela 's bus home . Even after skipping sixth period , she was still pissed about the Trumps , and like always , the conversation was along the lines of " I should have kicked her ass " or " she does that again and I 'm going to stomp her . " Of course , both of us knew that was just big talk . You couldn 't just go up and punch Amanda without fighting the rest of them too . And even if you did manage to take them all on and beat them , your glory wouldn 't be long . In fact , they would do their best to turn it into humiliation . That 's what they did to me earlier in the year when I had had a run in with Chrissy . So I told her on the ride home it was best to leave it alone . Angela may have talked big but she understood , and soon we were riding in relative silence . " We 'll see ? What 's wrong with you ? Everybody at school already thinks you 're gay . Get the hook up and prove them wrong . " Leave it to Angela to downplay her Trumps incident by referring to mine . It was the first party of the school year . Earlier that week I had called Chrissy Trump a skanky bitch after she tripped me up in the cafeteria . A girl at the party that I didn 't even know came up to me to say she thought that was the coolest thing ever and she wanted to talk to me outside . I didn 't think anything of it and went outside with her . Next thing I knew she had shoved me into the pool and dived in after me . As I came up out of the water she threw her arms around my neck and kissed me . It all happened so fast and I was gasping for breath so it was easy for her to take advantage . Before I could get away , The Trumps had appeared with cell phone cameras going in rapid mode . I shoved the girl away from me but it was too late . Next day it was all over facebook , Instagram , and twitter ; me all wet and wild - eyed with some girl shoving her tongue down my throat . " You just had to bring that up , didn 't you ? " I said to Angela as we got off at her bus stop . " You know that was a set up . " " Yes I know . But the fact remains everyone thinks you don 't like boys . And you have never had a steady boyfriend , unless you count Charlie Simkins back in the seventh grade . " I knew this was her way of daring me , but knowing Angela , I also knew this was a way for her to position herself if I failed . I wasn 't about to tell her I thought he was a vampire . She 'd probably try to bite him back . I sighed . " Look , I 'll introduce myself and we 'll see what happens . " " I 'm not lovesick , just desperate . Which is what you should be . Tomorrow I 'll be expecting to hear his name . I bet it 's something sexy like Ryan or Tatum . Or better yet Gray . Omg . " The walk home from Angela 's was about two miles . It usually took me an hour , but that day it took longer . I needed to seriously unwind and think things through . To rise to Angela 's challenge would mean it would have to be tonight . If I drug my feet she 'd give me hell when I didn 't give her his name next time I saw her . I berated myself for even trying to please her . If I went over to meet this guy it needed to be on my terms not hers . And again , she didn 't suspect what I did . She wouldn 't be the one who would have to kill the bloodsucker . Damn it , why was life always so complicated ? Why couldn 't I just meet a guy I liked and not kill him ? I was jumping ahead of myself I knew . Chances are he wouldn 't be friendly , or perhaps he didn 't like girls , or just flat out didn 't like me . By the time I got home I had already convinced myself my whole life was a disaster and always would be . The sun was just starting to set as I threw my book bag on the front porch . There was still plenty of light out and if I was going to wait for the boy next door to come outside I might be waiting awhile . I could go inside my house and read my latest Manga acquisition , or perhaps watch some Netflix , or just sit on the porch and wait for the undead . Or I could be bold and go over right now and knock on the door . If he was a vampire he wouldn 't answer , unless he had one of them human caretakers to protect his resting place in the daylight hours . In that case , I would just have some slobbering Renfield to fend off . If that happened I could just holler for mom . She was probably sunbathing in the backyard with a vodka in her hand anyway . I looked over to the house next door . I didn 't detect any movement in the yard or behind its drawn curtains . " Oh to hell with it , " I mumbled , and headed across the lawn . The first thing I noticed as I stepped from my yard into theirs was the absence of sound . It was almost like I had stepped into a vacuum , or perhaps even sound was afraid of being this close to nightwalkers . I couldn 't even hear the light breeze through the trees , though I could see them swaying . No birds , no creature made a sound on this property , and I have to admit it made me a little nervous . Still , I went up the front porch steps and raised my hand to knock . I hesitated , wondering just what I thought I was doing . I had just gotten home from school . What little make up I started the day off with was now gone , my hair was a mess , and I was in jeans and t - shirt ; not exactly following the ' how to meet hot guys ' guidelines . I shrugged and knocked anyway . For a moment it didn 't make a sound , and I thought maybe I should just give this up , but then I heard the noise of my knuckles rapping the door . No matter that it came about thirty seconds after I actually knocked . I listened intently , hoping to hear footsteps or a voice telling me , " wait a minute , I 'm coming . " Anything to tell me there were no vampires here ; that I had been wrong . But no one came . I debated whether to knock louder , and in the end I decided to try the door handle myself . I put my hand on the door and it was ice cold . Perhaps the AC was running overtime in there , but I didn 't think so . There were no window units and I didn 't see central air units outside anywhere . I tried the knob but thankfully it was locked . I decided to go around back , maybe knock there . The backyard was spacious with a concrete patio and in ground pool , much like my own yard was . A row of hedges lined a back fence that separated our properties , but the shrubs were barren and sure enough I could see mom lying out in her bikini by the pool . I could tell by the rise and fall of her breasts that she had fallen asleep as usual . Part of me wanted to scream her name just to see how drunk she was , but before I could I saw I wasn 't alone on this side of the hedge . A man was sitting at a card table on the patio working what appeared to be a jigsaw puzzle . He didn 't seem to notice me at first , and when he did , his head came up so slowly it made me think of those old automaton gypsy fortune telling machines they had at the fair when I was like nine . He stared at me curious , tilting his head one way to the next , before beckoning me to him . My head was screaming not to do it , but something bolder inside made me approach his table . He held up a puzzle piece and handed it to me as if he wanted me to place it for him . He had very dark eyes , the kind that are so intense you almost feel naked . His smooth pale skin made him seem almost unnatural , and I wondered how he could be so white out in this sun . He impatiently shoved the puzzle piece at me with a nod of his head . I took it and looked down at the puzzle he was working on . It was a bizarre kind of puzzle , like something out of a nightmare . The unfinished image clearly suggested a view of hell , with writhing , tormented bodies , some entwined in reckless abandon , others twisting in the talons of demonic figures . At the center , a tall dark presence drank the blood of several people at once , all of them hypnotically held fast in his gaze and grip . Where the puzzle piece was missing there was a young girl about the same age as myself . Her body was turned towards the terrifying figure , and she must have been looking up at him rapturously , but she didn 't have a head . It was the missing piece . I looked in my hand and turned it over . Sure enough , the piece I held was the girl 's head , and looking at it I saw in her eyes a look of adoration and helplessness . I looked at the man behind the card table . His Asian eyes held no malice , but something within told me this guy did not wish good things to befall me . A slight sneer crossed his thin lips . His mouth began to open . He made a sound in his throat but it wasn 't exactly speech . It was a guttural kind of moan and his lips seemed to curl back to show me the only teeth he had were two pairs of fangs . His sneer turned into the scariest smile I had ever seen . I dropped the puzzle piece and bolted . I ran so fast to my front door I didn 't even bother with my book bag . I slammed the door behind me and threw the deadlock in place . I kept waiting to hear the man 's body slam into the solid oak of the doorframe , but he never did . I wasn 't even sure if he ever got up from the table . I didn 't look back once ; I 'd been too freaked out . I went through the dining room towards the back of the house . Looking out onto our patio , I saw mom was still sleeping one off and the guy next door was gone ; the macabre puzzle still laid out on the table . Thinking he was on his way over , I ran upstairs and locked myself in my room ; my dad 's vampire kit laid out and open on the bed . If anyone came through that door they were going to get hit with a one two punch of holy water and wooden stake . But no one came , and I sat on the bed as the night began to fall outside . I heard mom come in and rumble around in the kitchen . I wasn 't sure if she was fixing dinner or a new drink , but I wasn 't about to come out my room to find out . I was waiting for pitch dark so I could go stake that puzzle working , blood sucking freak . I finally ventured downstairs around eight o ' clock . Mom had left some meatloaf and potatoes in the microwave for me before heading off to work . How she managed to drink all day and then sober herself up enough to work the night shift at Walmart was beyond me . I heated up the food , but looking at the ketchup on top of the meatloaf turned my stomach . It made me think of the Asian man with the sneer and pointed fangs . Venturing back up to my room I decided to get me a shower before heading next door . I needed something to steady my nerves . Part of me wanted to call Angela and tell her what had happened , but instead I just laid my cell phone on the bed and headed for the bathroom . I was so freaked out even the running water in the shower seemed menacing and intrusive . After a while I scared myself into thinking I was being watched . I crossed my arms over my breasts and tried to turn away from the shower door , but I found myself looking over my shoulder , fearing that at any minute the vampire would come lunging through the glass just to get to me . And then I would be like that girl in the puzzle , helplessly hypnotized and a willing victim to the powerful creature of darkness . I turned off the water , threw open the shower door and grabbed a towel off the rack . If anyone was in the room they were only going to catch a quick glance at me . I have never been self - conscious about my body , but I 'm no exhibitionist either . I had worn tight or revealing outfits at times , mostly to go to a show or something , but I had never felt so exposed in all my life . I wrapped my towel around me and nearly dashed into my bedroom where I closed and locked the door . I turned to the bed and noticed my cellphone was gone . I froze to the spot . I knew I had put it on the bed . But now it wasn 't there . My eyes scanned the room . Perhaps my bathroom freak out was warranted after all . Someone had been here watching . And now they had taken my cellphone . I walked carefully to the window and looked through the blinds at the house next door . There were some lights on and I could see some movement in one of the rooms , but no one was outside . I heard the sound of an echoing tinkling bell from behind me and I spun to the sound , dropping the towel in the process . Naked , I grabbed up the stake from the vampire kit still on the bed and scanned the room . There was no one there . Again , the bell sounded , soft and distant . It was my cellphone . Sitting on top of my dresser , plugged into the charger . I breathed a sigh of relief . Maybe I had plugged it up before I headed to the shower and had absent - mindedly forgot about it . I went to the dresser and opened the top drawer . I grabbed some fresh underwear and slipped into them as quick as I could . Next drawer down , dark pants and a black tank top advertising an X - Japan concert my dad had taken me to in New York a couple years back . I turned away to grab my shoes and the bell sounded again . It was a cellphone notification of some kind . I woke up the phone and didn 't see anything to alert me to email or a message or anything . I hit the home button and pulled up the last used applications . The one at the top was the camera . I clicked it and the app opened to my photo gallery which was normal if you had just taken a picture . The top photo in the gallery brought me to a breathless stop . It was the picture of a tattooed moon , encircled by bloody vines , or perhaps veins . Under it were the words " Loveless " . The first thing I thought of was that was the name of my favorite song by Luna Sea , but the next thought was the realization that this tattoo was on a boy 's hairless chest . And I knew for a fact I hadn 't taken it . I pulled up the tag info on the picture . It had been taken only a few short minutes ago , which meant there had been a boy in my room with a loveless tattoo and the balls to let me know he 'd been there . But if he had thought to scare me with this , he was mistaken . Now I was pissed . I stuck the stake down the back of my pants and covered it with my shirt . I put the holy water in my front pocket and in one last gesture , removed the crucifix from my dad 's vampire kit and looped it around my neck letting it drop on its chain just out of sight down my shirt . I snatched the cell phone from the dresser and took one last look at the photo before sliding the phone in pocket . It was time to stake that pervert right through his tattoo . |
A / N : Another chapter for you all . It 's a faster update so I hope you 're happy . I got a lot of shit for my last chapter . This story i s going i n some dark places . If you can 't read infidelity and other tough subjects , please jump ship . I was very unhappy with some of the immature flaming I got last chapter . I do this out of my heart as a labor of love . If it 's not fun for me , I 'm going to stop . I have a life and other things I can devote hours to . I don 't force anyone to read my writing . There are enough fics on here to choose from . If people keep bullying authors , there will be no more Twific and then no one wins . This doesn 't apply to most of you , but some people need to grow the fuck up . The hate and jealousy in this fandom is truly sickening . I don 't even want to be a part of it anymore outside of my writing . I can 't believe that grown women can act so catty and bitter . It 's ridiculous . I HATE fucking bullies . Sorry for that , but I had to get it off of my chest . I will finish ALL of my fics so bear with me . I promise to do a warning when we get to the real cheating chapter . I know some of my readers already flounced . I 'm going to stop here before I get angrier . Happy Monday to all my readers . I hope this doesn 't ruin your day . New songs have been added as well as pictures for this chapter . Feel free to play around the blog . I don 't like you but I love you I felt a little guilty for not going with him , but I didn 't want to be a nag . At this point , our marriage was being only held together by loose strings . I tried to be everything for Edward , but I knew that we were falling fast . He opened one eye and glared at me . " Go away , Bella . I just need to rest . I told you I went to the Boxing Club this morning . I 'm really fucking sore , and I think I 'm coming down with a cold . Keep DC away . I don 't want him catching my shit . " I used my hand to test his temperature . " You do feel a little warm . I 'll make you some homemade chicken soup . Can I do anything else ? " Groaning like he was in pain , he turned over . " I 'm not hungry . I took some pain meds . I 'll be fine . Go to the Water Tower Place and buy some shit . There 's no limit on any of your cards . I want you to really shop . Don 't worry about the money . " I frowned , putting the glass of water to his parched lips . " Drink . I 'm not interested in shopping , honey . I 'm worried about you . What 's really wrong ? " Since his return , he 'd been acting strange . He 'd left at around five and came back hours later as I was changing Dante 's diaper . I couldn 't see any visible marks on him , but he clutched his ribs like Jasper used to do after he 'd gotten beaten up in a brawl . I really wanted to believe the boxing story but that didn 't explain his attitude . " Leave it alone , Bella . There 's nothing to talk about . I told you what happened . If you don 't trust me , then I don 't know why the fuck you 're still here , " he mumbled , closing his eyes again . I grabbed my purse and walked to the door . " Fine . It 's clear you don 't care enough about me to tell me the truth , Edward . Husbands are supposed to communicate with their wives ! I thought we were making progress , but you continue to push me away . Don 't worry ; I 'll keep Dante away from you . " He sat up and forcefully threw the water glass against a far wall , shattering it into a million tiny pieces . Lately , there had been many times when Edward 's rage scared me , and this was just another one . I didn 't know what I 'd done to make him hate me so much , but I was starting to fear for my safety . " Get the fuck out , Bella ! I don 't need your nagging shit right now . I have enough to worry about . Go take care of my son , " he snarled , turning away from me . With tears in my eyes , I ran from the room . When I got to the library , I closed the door and sat down on one of the pristine Queen Anne chairs . Then , I let all the pain and anguish engulf me . I didn 't want my baby boy or any of our family to see me so shaken , so I stayed until I had the tremors under control . Shakily , I stood up and opened the door . Edward was on the other side waiting for me . Almost all of his body weight was being supported by the wall . He looked terrible . The usual luster and shine was missing from his hair and eyes . Plus his skin was three shades paler than normal . Despite the way he 'd treated me ; my heart went out to him . I wanted to be strong and walk past him , but I needed to feel his body heat around me . I needed to feel some love and affection . Most of all , I needed to feel Edward 's heart beat to believe we were still intact . He kissed my forehead gently . " It 's not you , Bella . I 'm angry at myself . If you knew what I 've done , you wouldn 't love me anymore . " He loosened his arms a little so that I could breathe again . " It 's … the drugs and … I 'm sorry about hurting you and not being there for Dante . I 'm not a good person . You deserve better . " Quietly , I kissed the skin just below his ear . " Don 't say that , honey . You are good . Um , I can stay with you today . Di and Esme won 't care as long as Dante gets to go along . " He shook his head and kissed my fingers . " Go buy shit , babydoll . I 'm not good company at the moment . I 'll be okay once you get back . Get something sexy . " Reluctantly , I backed away from him and straightened my clothes . " I 'll get you something , too . Relax and know that nothing you do will make me stop loving you . " Edward 's special smile that he gave only to me graced his handsome face . Feeling much better , I helped him back into bed . Then I found a tiny broom and duster in a storage closet and cleaned up the mess . By the time I finished , Edward was fast asleep . Bree met me in the hall . " You look pretty , Bella , " she said , linking her arm with mine as we walked down the stairs . There was an elevator , but I thought it was a little much . She and Riley were staying in another part of the mansion . The place was so big we could all have gone weeks without bumping into each other . The money and power that the Volturi exuded was legendary and hard to understand for someone like me . I smiled , giving a once over to Bree 's simple , long - sleeved winter white dress . Her long blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun and her clear blue eyes were full of wonder . All in all , she was a beauty . " You look darling , Bree . I bet Riley can 't keep his hands off of you . You two seem awfully loved up , " I teased , giggling . Suddenly , she stopped and looked down at me . " I … want him to , um , do things , but I am scared , Bella . I have no experience in these matters . I read book but it confuse me more . " She shrugged and began playing with her angel wing necklace . Since Edward had given it to her , she 'd never gone a day without it . With the clothes and hair , Bree looked especially angelic . I closed my eyes and remembered the days when I was so innocent . The first time Edward touched me , I knew that I wanted him . We used to be insatiable , but lately I didn 't feel the same passion . Mostly I was worried for the future . " You shouldn 't do anything you 're not ready for , Bree . You 're only eighteen . I know Riley will respect your wishes . You can always ask me or any of the girls if you have questions . We won 't laugh . In fact , I was thinking of doing a sex education night at the bookstore . There 's a new novel by a renowned Human Sexuality college professor coming out next week , " I said encouragingly , leading her along . Eventually , we reached the bottom steps . I could hear Dante 's laughter from the den . He was such a happy baby . I thanked God every day that he was mine . It took a lot of patience and time to care for him , but the rewards were priceless . She smiled . " Speaking of husbands , let 's get this show on the road . It 's time to go spend some of their cash while they talk about boring business things . Athenodora and Penny should be down soon . " A few minutes later , they appeared . I looked away as Cai kissed his girls and walked away whistling . In the little time that I 'd known him , I 'd never seen him this happy . I was hoping for a Spring wedding for those two . Penny went straight for Dante , begging until I let her hold him . Smiling , she kissed his rosy cheeks and began him rocking gently . My baby boy just sucked on his pacifier while looking up at her . Alice , always the handy one , took out her fancy phone and snapped a picture of them . There was a Hummer waiting for us at the entrance . Two men who were bigger than Em opened the door and helped us inside . Esme did Dante 's car seat and Penny immediately took the space next to him . I took the other side . Upon hearing his grandmother 's excited voice , Dante began wiggling and trying to get out of his seat . I stuck a bottle in his mouth to calm him down . Instantly , he began sucking on the nipple like it was his last meal . I smiled , glad that he was happy . The ride to Water Tower Place was fun . We ate cookies and listened to pop songs . By the time we stopped , I felt good . Despite my worries , I was going to enjoy myself . " I can 't wait to show you everything , Bella . I spent so much time here when I was a teenager . Edward used to flirt with all the girls at the shops … Oops , " Ali said , putting her hand over her mouth . If I thought Alice was a champion shopper , she had nothing on Di . We went to almost every store on each floor . Dante fell asleep in his luxury pram about an hour into the trip . We all took turns pushing our little prince . Fortunately , there were guards watching us from all corners . They were mostly inconspicuous , but I recognized them from the Volturi mansion . I didn 't doubt that they were armed , too . Shopping with Mafia wives was not the same as it was for regular women . We had to be heavily protected from enemies at all times . Laughing , I pushed her into an empty dressing room . " Don 't worry about it , Bree . I know you have your own account and money that Edward and Carlisle set up for you , but I 'd like to buy this as gift to you . " She argued for another five minutes before agreeing to try it on . The dress fit her body like a glove . It wasn 't obscene but managed to show off the womanly body that she sometimes hid . I knew that Riley would appreciate my meddling . After three hours of hardcore shopping , Dante was awake and cranky . We tried everything . He didn 't need to be changed , he wasn 't hungry , his temperature was normal , and there wasn 't any discomfort in his stroller , but he kept crying . I didn 't want to be a burden to the saleswomen so I took him out of the boutique . All of a sudden , he stopped screaming and began playing with my hair . Relieved , I laid soft kisses all over his cherubic face . A minute later , one of Edward 's men came up and startled me . I took a step back out of fear . He moved Dante aside so that we could kiss on the lips . I heard some feminine lip smacking a second before heels began clacking . Wearily , I turned around to see the fashion gang stomp away . A tall , dark - haired modelesque woman stared for an extra minute before being pulled away by her friends . His face crumpled . " I haven 't been with any of those bitches . That woman … she 's the sister of the woman my father was with when he was killed . Their family has always believed the Volturi had something to do with her death . They used to be more vocal , but the Uncle took a large sum of money from Marcus to build his store . In return , their family leaves us alone . " He leaned down and stroked my hair . " It 's nothing , babydoll . My past is ugly . I promise I won 't let anyone hurt you or D . C . " It turned out that Edward wasn 't the only man to show up . My brother and the rest of the guys took the bags to the car while we went to get a table . There was a small argument on where we 'd eat . By that point , I was so hungry that I didn 't care . Penny settled it by wheeling Dante into the Mity Nice Grill . A young man , who looked to be around Bree 's age , seated us after we told him our party number . We were given a huge table near the back . I liked that the atmosphere wasn 't stuffy , and the food looked delicious . Di sighed dramatically as she perused the menu . " I don 't care about my waistline today , ladies . I 'm getting the biggest burger on the menu and dessert ! " We all laughed . When the time came to place our orders , all the girls chose their man 's dinner . I felt wholly inadequate , because I hadn 't a clue of what Edward would want . He 'd changed so much in the last few weeks . I ended up getting soup , burgers , and salad for us . Dante happily clapped his hands as Bree fed him a miniscule piece of bread , his little tongue darting in and out as he ate . Times like these , he melted my heart . Fifteen minutes later , the guys came back . Alice decided that she needed to sit in her Jazzy 's lap and promptly began making out with him . Esme rolled her eyes while gently pulling them apart . Carlisle just chuckled and sipped his beer . Edward took a seat on my right , leaving Dante 's high chair between us . I took a picture of him giving our son an Eskimo kiss . That was one of the many reasons why I worked so hard to make our marriage good . My baby boy needed his father as much as he needed me . Thankfully , Edward loved the food that I 'd ordered for him . We took turns feeding Dante some organic tomato soup . I think half of it ended up on his Superman bib , but it was fun watching him try new things . He seemed to like it . " He 's getting so fucking big . I remember when all he could have was breast milk , " Edward said , wistfully . I was too happy to criticize him for cursing in front of our son . Smiling , I kissed Dante 's forehead . " I know but that means we 're doing good . We want him to get big and strong . Pretty soon , he 'll be walking and running . " After dinner , we decided to go to a few more shops . The men took Dante and headed for some electronics store while we went to Betsey Johnson . There were many things I liked in the store , so I wound up purchasing some dresses and colorful purses . At around ten , we decided to call it a night . The kids were exhausted and there weren 't any stores left for Alice to take over . Riley was practically carrying Bree . She still kept her old hours and was up at five most days . We 'd all tried to get her to sleep in but nothing worked . I was headed outside when Esme and Di took the stroller from me . Surprised , I looked up questionably at them . They shared a look and pointed to a silver car . Edward was by the driver 's side smirking at me . " I can 't . Dante needs me to read him a story . It 's not right of me to make you all take care of him . He 's my responsibility , " I whined . Hesitantly , I nodded and kissed my little lamb 's forehead . Edward came up and did the same thing . We buckled him into the car seat and watched until the car disappeared from view . Then we went to Edward 's car . He smirked , giving me the full - on Cullen charm . " It 's a 1998 Chevy Corvette . I 've had it since high school . Do you like it ? " He smiled wide enough to bring out the little dimple in his left cheek . My nipples hardened instantly . Luckily , I was wearing a small leather jacket so Edward couldn 't see . I planned on making love to him tonight , but only after we talked . When my husband returned , he had a huge waffle cone , cup , spoon , and napkins for me . Giggling like a teenage girl , I took it all from him . He 'd remembered my favorite ice cream : chocolate chip mint . Sighing , I took a lick . " I 'm happy you like it , babydoll . I should do shit like this more often . We . . . need to talk . I 'm not … treating you the way that I should . " " What 's wrong with you ? Is it the stress ? I don 't want you to keep using drugs . You don 't have to do the Senate thing . I 'll beg Marcus and Caius if I have to . Angrily , he pressed down on the gas taking us well over the speed limit . " I went to the fucking Boxing Club . I already told you this . I 'm always fucking stressed . Portland didn 't go as planned ; one of the fuckheads turned on us . Sometimes I just wish I had a normal life . " I reached over and grabbed his arm , trying to give him comfort . " I know but we don 't . I 'm in this with you until the end , Edward . I went into this with my eyes wide open . I 'm sorry for what happened in Portland , but I imagine it is part of your business . Did you … kill someone ? I 'm not mad if you did . " For a long time , nothing was said . Then , Edward looked at me and snarled . I shrank back from his angry green eyes . If looks could kill , he would have had me dead in a heartbeat . It was another time among many when I truly feared my husband . He pulled into an empty lot and stopped the engine . The only light was from the moon . I contemplated taking my phone out and calling Jaz , but I chose to trust Edward . He 'd been rough with me before but nothing I couldn 't handle . " You should fucking hate me ! Have I corrupted you so much , babydoll ? We 're talking about fucking murder ! I end lives . How can you live with me ? I disgust myself , " he cried , burying his head in his hands . I took off my seat belt and crawled into his lap . He adjusted his seat so that I 'd be more comfortable . I began to unbutton his shirt . He relaxed and placed his hands on my buttocks , slowly kneading the flesh . Warmth and desire pooled low in my belly . Languidly , he licked my top and bottom lip before plunging his tongue inside . I sucked the tip , changing the angle so that he could be in the lead . He licked me slowly , delicately , making sure not to give me too much . It took me a few minutes to understand his words . I was still in the lust fog caused by his long fingers and gifted tongue . Just imagining what we 'd do later almost made me come . Blushing , I crawled back into my own seat . We pulled up to a nice brownstone just as I was finishing my ice cream . Edward fidgeted and played with his hair . It was unlike him to act so nervous . Suddenly , I was frightened . He cut off the car and opened his door . " This is it , babydoll . This is the place I became a killer , where my father died . I haven 't been here in five years . Let 's go inside . " After he helped me out , we were buzzed into the lobby . The security person on duty must have known Edward , because he let us in without question . The lobby was tastefully done in soft whites and Roman tiles . Edward took my hand and led me to the elevator . Then he pressed the fifth floor button and closed his eyes . I stayed close , offering what comfort I could without smothering . I had a feeling things were going to go badly . He stopped in front of apartment five - o - nine . " This is it . I killed the motherfucker right here in this hall . Then , I opened the door and found the bitch dead in the living room . My father was in the fucking bedroom dead as hell with the condom still on his dick . At least the bastard used protection , " he reminisced , laughing dryly . I didn 't want to follow him into the apartment , but he seemed to need me there . Part of being a wife was about being there for your husband through good times and bad . Lately there was more bad than good , but I wasn 't ready to give up . Inside the apartment was pristine . There were pictures of Edward 's father all over the place . They looked so much alike . It made me sad that I 'd never met him , but I had a feeling he wouldn 't have approved of me anyway . " That 's his urn . Edward Masen Sr . just had to be cremated . Mom respected his wishes . He even controlled her from the grave , " he said , pulling out a small sharp blade . I backed away . " Edward , what the heck are you doing ? You 're scaring me . Please put the knife away . I want to go home . " He laughed maniacally , advancing on me until my back was pressed against the wall . I was about to scream when his lips crashed down on mine . With all my strength , I tried to push him off . He didn 't even budge . " Show me you love me , Bella . Let me fuck you here amongst death and ruin . You want to be with the Devil , really fucking be with him . Come on , " he demanded , trying to unzip my jeans . " No . Stop ! Don 't do this , Edward . Get off me , " I pleaded , clawing at his face . He was still wielding the weapon . As a last resort , I punched him hard in the stomach . It hurt my hand but caused him to loosen his grip . I used his momentary paralysis to run to the other side of the room . All the food that I 'd eaten earlier was threatening to make a reappearance . I felt icky . It didn 't take long for Edward to come for me again . This time I clocked him in the jaw . He laughed and pushed me against the wall . It hurt , making me whimper . I tried to kick him in the groin , but he blocked my shot . Then when I tried to run , he caught me . I fell on the floor and he quickly rolled on top of me . The fear of what was happening was nothing compared to my anger . I stood up and ran to the elevator . Once I got outside , I waved down the first taxi driver who passed . The driver took off as Edward came running into the street . I wiped my eyes , trying not to cry in front of the stranger . Unfortunately , Edward caught up to us at a red light . He honked and got into the driver 's path . There were no cops around . I couldn 't put the innocent man in danger . Nervously , I asked him to pull over . " I 'm sorry . That 's my husband . He can take me . Here 's a twenty for your trouble , Sir . I apologize , " I said , stepping out of the taxi . I pushed him away and sat down . Why did Edward always ruin our good night ? He was doing a great job of making me hate him . I already felt the bruises forming on my back , arms , and legs . Was the real Edward a domestic abuser ? Is this what I 'd gotten myself into ? While he drove , I stared straight ahead . There was nothing left inside of my heart . All I felt was misery and regret . I just wasn 't strong enough to save Edward from his demons . If we kept up like this , he was going to drag me down with him . Instead of taking us home , he drove towards the Chicago River . Watching the boats made me remember the time Edward and I had snuck onto that stranger 's boat to have sex . I was still in my early months of pregnancy and so in love . I thought nothing could touch us ; boy had I been wrong . I rolled down the window to let some of the icy air into the overheated car . I still felt slightly sick and Edward 's driving wasn 't helping my stomach . The night had gone wrong so fast ; like Edward , it gave me whiplash . " Take me home . I don 't want to hear your bullshit apologies . You almost raped me . I 'm in pain . It 's not the first time either . You won 't let me inside , so I can 't help you . I just want you to stay away . Don 't touch me anymore , " I sobbed . He laughed . " I won 't . There are plenty of bitches that I can fuck . Hey , maybe I 'll start with Anna . I always did love a good long blonde . Gina wants my dick bad , too . How about I give it to her ? We can stay married . It 'll be just like Esme and Edward all over again . " It was my turn to laugh . " That 's why you hired them anyway , isn 't it ? I was a fool to marry you . Any man who has been with almost a thousand women is a whore ! Was this always your plan ? You go and continue being the playboy while I raise our child ? What happened to Ti amo , babydoll ? You don 't even wear your Tungsten . Do you even know where it is ? " He tugged on his hair . " Fuck ! I 'm not really going to fuck them or anyone else . I 'm also not giving you a fucking divorce . You 're mine forever , Bella . " Sighing , I closed my eyes and breathed deeply . " Are you willing to work on our marriage ? It can 't be over this easily . I admit , I 'm jealous of Anna and Gina , but I still trust you . Even after all of this , I love you enough to try . " He sniffled and wiped at his eyes . " I didn 't mean any of that shit . I wanted to make you mad enough to hit me . I 'll work , babydoll . I promise I 'll go back to therapy . I 'm so sorry for what happened . I just wanted you to hate the monster . I 'm sorry I hurt you . " In my weakness , I let him kiss me and promise me the world . I knew it was all lies . Edward had demons he wasn 't even ready to fight . It wouldn 't be long before we really had a breakdown . Because I was so in love , I was willing to give him another chance . We arrived back at the mansion around one in the morning . I checked on Dante , who was sleeping peacefully , and went to run myself a bath . The fight had left me feeling filthy . I no longer believed Edward 's boxing story . I had a sinking suspicion that he 'd been with another woman . He walked into the bathroom just as I was lowering myself into the clawfoot tub . I didn 't want to use the Jacuzzi because we 'd made love in there the other day . As the soapy bubbles surrounded me , I let my mind go completely blank . When I opened my eyes , Edward was kneeling next to me on the floor . " Babydoll , I know I ruined yet another date . I wanted you to suffer with me . I 'm sorry , " he explained for the zillionth time . I closed my eyes again , submerging myself into the lavender scented water . Here , I felt safe . I loved the water . After my parents died , I used to spend hours in the bathtub . Jaz had been worried so he got me a membership to the YMCA pool . Shaking my head , I sat up and grabbed a sponge . " I truly love you . This isn 't you . I keep hoping the old Edward Cullen will come back , but I 'm losing faith . I can 't help you if you won 't help yourself . People say love is pain , but I 've had enough pain to last a lifetime . I need some love . " He took the sponge and massaged my shoulders , slowly washing me . " You 're so beautiful , Mrs . Cullen . I love you , too . I 'm sick , Bella . Don 't give up on me just yet . " As he kissed my forehead , I began to cry softly . It was like I was under Edward 's spell . He did the most horrible things to me , but I still loved him . I wasn 't the strong woman I wanted to be . Instead , I was a doormat . How many times could I let him hurt me and survive ? The next two days passed quickly , and by Monday , we were back in Seattle . Edward didn 't return with us . He had business to do in Boston with Liam . When we 'd parted at the airport , he promised me that we would work on our marriage when he got back . I wanted to believe him , but I didn 't . It took a lot of effort just to give him a goodbye kiss . The bookstore was busy with students studying for finals . We were making more money than ever . I 'd hired a few more staff members for the upcoming holidays . All in all , my business was going great . Jaz said I had a real knack for it . I listened to the girls light banter . It wasn 't exactly the truth . I was relieved that Edward was gone for a while . I needed time to think . Dr . A . had been very helpful in my latest session . She said I needed to stop letting Edward have all the control in our relationship . She also suggested I tell Cai about the drugs , but I 'd begged for her secrecy . A few minutes later , there was a knock on my office door . I stood up to answer , expecting it to be Jane or one of my sisters . Imagine my surprise when I saw Giles Atwood , my publisher , on the other side . He smiled , holding out a piping hot mug of hot tea . " Thought I 'd come down and talk to you . Is this a bad time ? " Smiling , I waved him inside . Maggie and Bree acted like they 'd never seen a handsome man . I 'd never seen so much primping and stuttering in my life . To me , Giles was handsome but not in the same way as Edward . His dark coal black hair , soulful blue eyes , and light stubble had probably stopped many a female heart , though . Giles sat down in one of the big leather chairs in front of my desk . " The book is selling briskly . We 're so proud of you , Bella . " I blushed . " Thank you . It 's been a great experience . Vladimir and his family are coming for Christmas . I 'd really like for you to meet them . " " It 's nothing . I have a barely six month old baby , a business , and my husband is gone a lot . I have tremendous family and friends support , though . I 'll be fine , " I lied , shrugging . As delicately as possible , I pulled back . " I know , but it wouldn 't be appropriate . I 'm supposed to confide in my husband . Thanks for the offer . " He smiled , taking a sip of his drink . " There 's nothing wrong with having more than one confidant . I 've just ended a bloody bad relationship myself , so I 'm not going to make any moves on you . Just know that I 'm here , love . " We spent the next hour talking about Hamlet , one of my favorite Shakespeare stories . By the time he left , I did feel better . I also felt guilty for letting another man cheer me up . Fortunately , Giles wasn 't the flirty type . The rest of the day was spent with Esme . We went over design plans for the new house . I was all over my head , so I only chimed in occasionally . When she showed me a twenty - thousand dollar sectional that she wanted for the living room , I feigned a headache . Later , Jane drove Dante and I home . The night progressed as usual . I called Edward but he didn 't answer . After I breastfed Dante , he fell asleep in my arms . I kissed him and gently laid him in the bed . Then I turned on his night magic . It consisted of a classical music CD that Edward made for him and a light Mobile that gave the effect of a starry night . Dante loved it , and I liked hearing Edward 's fingers tickle the ivory . He never played for me anymore . Before I went to bed , I decided to call my errant husband . He hadn 't contacted me all day . I knew he was fine , but I still needed to hear his voice . A woman picked up on the second ring . There was shuffle and then he spoke . " Why are you calling me now ? I was going to leave you a message . Is something wrong with DC ? " He took a deep breath . " She 's no one . Look , I 'm busy , Bella . I love you and Dante . Kiss him for me . I 'll be home tomorrow night . We 'll do something fun . " " Fucking hell , Bella ! I got into some shit in Portland . I got cut . They 're shallow . It 's no big deal . I 'm busy with Mob shit right now . I love you , babydoll . Go to bed . I 'll see you soon . " A little voice in my head told me I was a fool to believe that he wasn 't cheating on me . I drowned that noise out and wiped my eyes . Then I went and got Dante . I hated using my baby as a crutch , but I needed to hold him . He was a symbol of me and Edward 's intense love for one another , and the source of my only happiness lately . The week flew by at the speed of light . Giles came to visit me again . We ate lunch together while going over my book tour . Jane looked uncomfortable the whole time . I knew she 'd have to report it to Edward and he would go off . Later that night , Alice and Rose came over to help me get dressed . Edward had invited us all for drinks at HADES . Esme and Carlisle were more than happy to watch Dante . Earlier in the day , he had had a play date with baby Sasha which always put him in a good mood . An hour later , we were being led into HADES . I was wearing a ruffled blue silk dress that stopped below the knee . It had a black band to accentuate my waist . In the old days , I could have gone bra - less , but my new C - cup post baby boobs needed a strapless bra . My nails were painted to match the dress . Black suede sandals and a cool black and blue wrist cuff finished the look . Alice had given me eighties dramatic makeup to go with the outfit . Judging from the guys who stopped and wolf - whistled when we walked through , I guessed we looked hot . She , Alice , and I were soon joined by Maggie and Bree . We danced together to keep guys away , not that any would dare come near with Felix hovering just beyond the dance area . I twirled around , letting the music control my body . Then all of a sudden , I felt a pair of strong hands encircle my waist . I opened my eyes . " I 'm just dancing , Caveward . Lighten up . I haven 't seen you in days and you want to argue with me . Typical . " Growling , he hoisted me into his arms . A second later , we were in the elevator headed up to his office . Anna was at her desk flirting with Demetri . I gave him a cold look as we entered the room . I 'd never forgive him for how he treated Maggie . For some reason , Anna decided to jump into our conversation . " Some women don 't know how to please their man . Can you blame a guy for straying ? Men have needs . If the woman they 're with can 't fulfill them , they 'll look elsewhere . " My husband stepped forward and got into her face . " Mr . - fucking - Cullen to you , remember ? Bella is my wife so show some fucking respect . You can go work in D 's office tonight . Bella is going to help me . " Anna pouted . " I 'm sorry , Mrs . Cullen . I didn 't mean to be rude . I 'll just be getting out of the way . " Demetri helped her pack . Before they left , I pulled Edward down for a deep kiss . He squeezed my bottom and picked me up so that I could wrap my legs around him . We stayed like that until the door slammed shut . Resigned , I let him carry me to the lair . We hadn 't been back in weeks . I missed our secret spot . Everything was the same except now we had a bassinet . We had yet to bring Dante here , but I knew it wouldn 't be long . I stood up and took off all my clothes . Edward did the same . Then we crawled into bed . There was no passion or anything . We both knew where we were headed , but neither of us wanted to acknowledge it . I cut him off , already knowing the question . " I don 't . I can 't trust you anymore , Edward . You hurt me . We 're going to need to work on things before we get back to lovemaking . " He screamed into the pillow until his voice went hoarse . " I hate myself for what I 've done to you . Hurt me back . Fucking hit me , beat me bloody . I fucking deserve it ! " Sobbing , I pulled him down on top of me so that his head rested over my heart . " I can 't hurt you , honey . I tried that before and it almost destroyed both of us . We 're broken , but we can be put whole again . I 'll try if you will . Please , don 't make me regret this . " Edward rubbed his stubbled cheek over my breast and placed my hand in his hair . " Hum to me , like you do for Dante . I 'm scared , Bella . Don 't let me go . " After Edward fell asleep , I did something I had sworn I would never do - - I rifled through his private things . There were lots of money clips and business cards . Some of them had lipstick stains , which were personal signatures . In his coat pocket was a card with a naked woman and a whip on the front . There were unused Magnums in the same area . Since I was on birth control , Edward and I never used condoms . As if that wasn 't bad enough , there was a message on the back of the card saying ' See you next time , big boy ' . I ran to the bathroom and vomited . I 'd barely eaten in the last few days , only consuming enough so I could breastfeed without passing out . It was hard for me to keep food down when my world was falling apart . I thought about talking to my family , but I didn 't know where to start . Fifteen minutes later , I had my phone out and was dialing the number . It went to a voicemail which promised sex and all kinds of debauchery . I knew Edward had cheated on me with another woman . The tears came hard and heavy . The man I had given my heart and soul to had done the one thing I couldn 't bear . When I was finally able to breathe again , I put on a shirt and curled up on the living room couch . Soon after , I fell asleep . Sometime during the night , Edward carried me back to the bedroom . I knew I should have fought or confronted him , but I wanted to live inside of the dream for just a little while longer . Bella is in denial . We 've all be there . Love is blind . Please review and let me know what you think . I can take constructive criticism . The next chapter will be a smuttake AU set in the 30 's . I 'll post everything as soon as possible . Review and Dante will come play with you , don 't and you get Anna 's skanky ass . It 's always your choice . Click the comment button . I 'll be with the Stoli . * Huggles * AnonymousMarch 7 , 2011 at 7 : 18 AMAww . . . little lamb and Bella warm my heart ! I loved that Bella remembered their boat sex . I still think it 's the hottest lemon I 've EVER read . Can 't stop reading it . Giles is nice and very original and refreshing that he and Bella have an honest friendship . Most fics don 't swing that way . I like that she spends time with him cause she REALLY needs a good friend right now . Ofcourse when Edward finds out all hell will break loose but let him freak out . Bella 's words and pain is so deep and poetic . She breaks my heart cause her love for her family is real and will lasts forever . I feel sorry for Edward cause he throws away true love and hapiness . Thank you for sharing this amazing story with us . You are SO talented I 'm kind of jealous to be honest lol P . S dont mind the haters . They apparently live in fairy Disney land , not in the REAL world where relationships / marriages fail and break all the time ! ReplyDeleteAnonymousMarch 7 , 2011 at 7 : 57 AMDamn . Edward needs to stop running away , shielding himself in his comfortable self - pity . Poor Bella even in her emotional pain , she 's thinking about Edward and how she can heal him , but alas in vain : ( I 'm not going to feel pity for him when he finds out that Bella and Giles spend so much time together . Such a freaking good chapter though . Oh dear god , I need more ! I 'm amazed by this story , and heartbroken at the same time ! I really just want them to be happy and together but thats not possible . ReplyDeleteLindsayMarch 7 , 2011 at 8 : 08 AMLoved the update . . . . So sad to hear you are being targeted B , its appaling the way some adults behave ! ! I cant wait for the dark to get worse . . . because remember after the dark there is always light ! ! ! Keep up the amazing work B ! ! ! ReplyDeleteRenas40March 7 , 2011 at 9 : 16 AMThank you for the update . I wish I could be there for Bella , she needs to talk to someone as she will have a breakdown soon from all the stress , I feel for her . Edward is in need of help , the sad thing is he probably wont get it : ( It hurts seeing Edward hNewer Post |
As Bob shared with me the reason why I shouldn 't know about everything in life as we lay in bed talking , he also said something that said so much in so many ways . He reminded me of how he hadn 't always had plenty of money . I knew this about him . Bob had grown up one of 9 children , all boys . They had been very poor . They couldn 't afford much for clothes so they were given white undershirts to wear for their shirts , and they of course they ate leftovers whenever there were any . Bob had taken off as a teen and never looked back . He had been determined to carve a different life out for himself . He had gotten his first wife pregnant when they were dating as young adults and so he had married her . He was a young man with a young family to take care of . As we lay there talking he reminded me of this and added , so you know , I had to do things I 'm not proud of . He told me he had to get involved in the drug industry . He quickly followed up with , I never did any drugs , I was smarter then that , I could see there was plenty of money to be made in the industry so I did that until I got on my feet as an adult , and " of course " I don 't do it anymore . Then I heard , " you don 't think any less of me do you " . Of course I said , " no , no , you had to do what you had to do to put food on the table , I get it " . He again reiterated how he was no longer involved in the drug industry . Meanwhile I 'm thinking about his current lifestyle . Bob was still paying the house payment on his ex - wife 's house which was a nice place in a very nice neighborhood . He too lived in the same neighborhood and he was paying for his own house . Then his youngest was in a very exclusive private Christian Boy 's High School , which of course he was paying for . We ate out every night , oh and btw - Bob never ever at a left over . He rarely ate a full plate of food , in fact he intentionally didn 't eat all his food to watch his weight , but he never took a bite home . He bought me anything and made sure I wanted for nothing . Bob also had another tell tale part to his life style . Bob traveled to Miami all the time with his buddies to play golf . He played at all the best clubs , if you recall me mentioning how he had the towels framed in shadow boxes in his family room . He had also started discussing how we were going to handle Christmas dinner . Now , mind you , the only people coming to Christmas dinner were his two sons , the one son 's girlfriend , his grandson , and myself . A real small group , yet Bob wanted to have Turkey , Ham , sides , and Tippins Pies ( very costly pies ) . He didn 't want me to cook these items either , he wanted to it catered . As I laid in bed I thought back on my childhood . I had a step - grandfather that lived across the street from us . He became my step - grandfather when his son married my Mom . He always had rolls of hundreds on him , money was spent like he needed to get rid of it , and he always went to Miami to see is buddies , and he went by " Eddie " , and yes , he was in the mob . I could tell you stories about my life with him in it that would be a whole knew blog short story . Basically , as I lay there thinking about it all , I had to admit to myself the truth and that I knew what was up . I didn 't want to believe it , but how could I not ? Yet here I had met a man so different then Fred , I wanted it all to not be true . I loved my new life style . Who wouldn 't , I mean money grew on trees so it seemed . Actually , when I was honest with myself , money was something he wanted to have go through is hands quickly . As much as I enjoyed it all , as I fell asleep I knew I needed to plan escape # 2 . I had never asked questions but I knew a lot . I continued on as if things were normal . I came home to his house every day from work , went out to eat each night . Spent time with him and his family when they came around and I helped plan the Christmas dinner . This dinner was very important to him . Family was important , and he was falling in love with me , he had told me he loved me many times . He wanted to spend Christmas with me in his life . I on the other hand knew the relationship would need to end , so when he expressed his love I had to struggle to say something appropriate in return . I picked my words carefully . I could tell that frustrated me . He wanted me to need him more , rely on him Christmas eve came and Bob wanted to exchange gifts between him and I . He wanted it to be romantic when no one else was there . I expected gifts similar to what I had purchased for him , which had been clothing , and a few other things I thought he might enjoy . The first box he handed me was small . I thought to myself , omgosh , new sweaters don 't fit in boxes like this . . . . he was beaming with excitement for me to open my gift . I did , wow , 1 / 2 carat each diamond earrings ! I wanted to cry for all the reasons he wouldn 't have understood . I immediately said , " Bob , these are too nice , too expensive , I can 't accept a gift like this " . He took that as , " what a sweet girl , she 's not a gold digger " , rather then " she wants the heck out of this relationship and now she feels even more hooked in " . Then I got box # 2 . It was small as well , but longer . I opened it , again Bob was all smiles . I about fell over , it was a Movado watch with diamonds all around the face . Really ! ! ! The gifts were beautiful of course , what girl wouldn 't love them . How do you leave a man like this . How was I going to leave a man like this . I gave him his sweater I had bought . . . he loved it . The next day was Christmas , and believe it or not , the day that I left . More next week . . . . . What a whirlwind the first week had been . We were having a lot of fun and Bob really seemed to enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed his . He introduced me to his friends , took me everywhere because I did one thing really well . I just smiled a lot and kept my mouth shut . The money kept flowing . As Christmas approached there were gifts to be bought and a Christmas dinner to be planned . I remember him telling me he needed to get a gift basket from Bath and Body Works for his son 's girlfriend . I just happened to be going there myself so I offered to pick one up for him . He was very appreciative and said , " get the biggest one they have " , " do you think $ 100 will cover it ? " I told him I did , and he peeled off another $ 100 for me . Well the biggest they had at that time cost $ 50 . 00 so I brought it home and went to give him his change . He said , " oh no , I appreciate the favor , you keep it " . I told him " no " , but he wouldn 't hear of it , so I had a little more walking around money . I remember once we were going somewhere and he was out of his usual roll of $ 100 's and we had to go by an ATM . He said , " I hate these things , they only give out $ 20 's " . It took all I had not to start giggling at him . . . Bob drove a beautiful new SUV , it was a Mountaineer in a pearl white . He told me it belonged to the company . Well that was interesting too . Bob was never short of tricks up his sleeve . He was the President of the St . Louis location for a Cleaning Company that did Janitorial services for places like the Airport here in St . Louis , and many large school districts in the area . They had big contracts . The business was in a building of course . The St . Louis location was just one of may locations that was under a parent location in another city I 've now forgotten . Bob wanted to buy the building they were in here in St . Louis and have them rent the building from him . The parent office was not interested because they felt it was all too close and could create a conflict of interest . Of course Bob saw easy money , so he bought the building under another company name and leased it to them just like he wanted to . They never knew . By now Lisa was wondering if I was ever going to move into her extra bedroom . I had moved furniture in but had never even slept in my new bed . I paid her rent though because I wanted to know that room was there if I needed it . I did bring back may of the things he was buying for me , it was just endless , until one day Lisa made the joke " you 're going to have to claim Bob on your taxes " . . . Bob already knew Lisa was suspect of him , and he didn 't like that much . He especially didn 't want her influencing me in any way - hence another reason to keep me at his house and away from her . He was concerned about her , more so then I realized . So one day he comes up with , " I think I know someone that might be good for Lisa " . Lisa was and still is to this day , looking for Mr . Right . I asked him who and he told me about some guy he knew . Then he said , " I would like to get to know her better first to make sure , how about we all go to dinner together " . I thought that was a great idea because I was missing my friend . It never dawned on me he just wanted to get a feel for Lisa and to see if she could cause him any real trouble . I told Lisa about his plan and she agreed to go to dinner . The difference between her and I - she knew what he really wanted to find out at that dinner . We went to dinner and Bob asked her lots of questions , hidden in conversation as usual . I guess he didn 't find her to be any real threat . After that he never really mentioned her again , and of course there never was a guy he wanted to fix Lisa up with . I followed my normal routine every day , went to work , came home to his house , let myself in and watched TV until Bob came home . There was never any work to do around there bigger then laundry or the dishwasher . Bob paid to have people do everything else for him . He had a housekeeper and a company that took care of his yard . He took care of the drycleaning . He knew someone who owned a drycleaners so he took both our clothes there and brought them back . I never dealt with them , which was nice . So there wasn 't much to do but watch TV and wait for him to come home . And to be honest , I always felt I was being watched when I was there . I never dared to look around in places I didn 't belong . I swore those golf balls were keeping track of me . The Christmas presents were accumulating so I started wrapping them after work . But , when Bob arrived home he was ready to go out to eat , so I knew I needed to bePosted by I started to learn a few things about Bob - he had been married once for 20 + years , had been divorced for 3 or 4 , recently broke up with his last girlfriend , had two boys , one that was still in High School , and had a 5 year old Grandson . Pretty run of the mill , nothing unusual in any of that , of course if you were to assume that , you would be wrong . Even the norm I soon found out wasn 't normal when it came to Bob . For example Bob explained to me his oldest son got his girlfriend pregnant and had not yet married the mother of his Grandson , but intended too . Bob didn 't seem bothered by this , in fact he felt his son had some growing up to do . He really adored the mother of his Grandson and back when she had become pregnant , both of them were very young and didn 't have good jobs or the means to do much . The mother had an interest in becoming a dental hygienist , so Bob paid for all of her schooling so she could become one . I quickly learned he was endlessly generous . Bob also shared details about his past girlfriend that I very quickly figured out I was supposed to be learning from . Detail number one - and might I add the most important detail . . . she was nosey . Bob never missed a chance to tell me she had asked too may questions . She tried to get a look at his cell phone when a call came in , and she frequently asked who had called . She also asked " other " questions . He made it very clear that was a big reason he broke up with her . Hmmm note to self - don 't ask questions . . . Apparently Bob 's generosity with her was never shorted either . He told me used to pay for her car insurance , all her gas , and on and on . It was amazing listening to this man . The one things I did realize was , I didn 't have to ask questions , I only needed to listen carefully . I stayed the night at Bob 's house after that first date . It was late when we got back and we were enjoying each other 's company tremendously , neither of us wanted the night to end , so we didn 't let it . Bob 's house was beautiful and everything was in perfect order . It was an older home that had been brought back to life . His taste in furniture was eclectic in that I found some rooms to be contemporary and some rooms had beautiful antiques . He enjoyed golfing so his family room was decorated with a golf theme . He had been to some of the most exquisite golf courses around the US and had the golf towels to prove it framed all around the room . It was clear Bob was not hurting financially . The house had a three car garage attached by a covered walkway . The previous evening , before our date he had me put my car in the garage . There were two other cars in there , one was a ' 57 Chevy he had picked up for his younger son who could not yet drive and the other was a collector car of his friend Frankies . It was when Bob was showing me Frankies car that he told me his friends called him " Bobby " . I never called him that , I stuck with Bob , but I soon learned all his friends had names that ended in " ie " . I was learning other things about Bob as well , he was routine , he had his way of doing things and he didn 't like to stray from his ways . When we went to bed that first night , I learned he could not go to sleep unless the room had 100 % darkness . He had a routine of letting down curtains , turning thing around , covering things , it was interesting to watch as he prepared the room so he could sleep . He had no alarm clock because of they light up . He asked me if any of this bothered me . It didn 't in the least , I have my own routines in life , so I understood . He seemed relieved , and told me his routine ways had bothered his ex - girlfriend and he never missed an opportunity to tell me she was a slob . Note to self - don 't be a slob . The routineness of Bob was everywhere . I wanted to shower and Bob kept his towels in his laundry room . I went to get what I needed and I just stood there in amazement . On the wall were several shelves , full of towels . It looked like Bed , Bath , and Beyond . He owned three colors and had multiple sets in each color . They were all stacked perfectly by type and color . I went to put my glass I had been drinking from in the dishwasher and found all the dirty dishes and glasses perfectly organized . Bob had also made an interesting comment during our conversation about his impeccable organization . He had said , " you know why I keep everything in perfect order , in case someone comes in my house , I 'll know they were here " . I went home that morning , but only after Bob wanted to give me a key to his house and shared his alarm code with me . I noticed something about how I felt when Bob wanted to share this information , and give me the key - I felt as if I were being tested . Bob and I chatted more and more after he had put the key next to my purse on the counter , so it was really easy to " forget " it when I left . I wasn 't ready for a key to this man 's home yet . Of course before I left Bob wanted to know what I was going to do for the day . He didn 't have much planned , but he did have an obligation that night to go to watch his Grandson play soccer I believe ( I don 't recall the sport that well anymore ) . When he told me that I immediately assumed I would not see him , when all of a sudden he said , " I would really like you to go so you can meet my family " . I was shocked . Could this man move any faster . . . I did agree to go , I liked Bob and as much as he wanted to spend time with me , I wanted to spend it with him . Another interesting fact I 'll mention about Bob at this point , remember he made it clear asking too many questions was a quick way to end things with him , well that was a one way rule . Bob never quit asking questions about me , he wanted to know everything he could learn . And any time he uncovered something that wasn 't just right , he did his best to fix it . For example , just in conversation I shared with him how I had shipped home all my tools I owned , but the tool box had just been too heavy , so I left my tool box in the back of Fred 's truck . Next time I saw Bob , he had a new tool box for me . Once we went shopping at a clothing store because he needed something . I found some clothes I wanted , of course Bob paid for them as well . These are just a few small examples . Within the first week of knowing Bob , the items he purchased for me piled up at Lisa 's condo . After going back to Lisa 's for a bit and getting ready for our evening together , I went back to Bob 's . I immediately was asked , " why didn 't you take the key , I really want you to have it ? " . I explained it was so soon and it 's a big deal to trust someone with your house . He looked what felt like right to the core of me and said , " I 'm sure I can trust you " . So not only did I get a key , but I got my own garage door opener . That night we went to the event for his Grandson and I met his older son and his girlfriend . They were all very nice . The girlfriend told me she was surprised she was meeting me so quickly , that he had not brought the previous girlfriend around for over 6 months after he had started dating her . She also told me that Bob was very generous and the girlfriend had taken advantage of that . She felt she was definitely a gold digger . Interesting conversation . . . From that point on I spent most of my time with Bob . In the first week I was going out to dinner with Bob each night because he didn 't like to cook , and his friends were all Italian restaurant owners . We ate at all the best places , then we would come back to his house and hang out . It was really nice . I was finding it to be a little hard to get ready for work . My clothes , hair care , makeup , etc were all at Lisa 's , so I had to get up early , go to Lisa 's , get ready , then drive to work . Bob noticed this because he didn 't care much for me leaving early in the morning . I told him I had all my stuff I needed there . Of course Bob had the solution . Here 's how it went - Bob always had a roll of hundred dollar bills on him , so he peeled off about 4 of them and said , " here , take this , after work go buy everything you need so you can get ready for work at my house . I 'll make room in my closet for your clothes , and then you won 't have to go back there . " . I was thinking to myself , really , and I 've known you less than a week . . . In the midst of this whirlwind with Bob , all the fun , the fancy dates , the gifts , cash , I failed to notice something significant . Bob had managed to create an environment where he knew my every move . He had me coming home from work to his house and not leaving unless I was with him or he knew where I was going , until I left for work the next day . Anywhere Bob went , I went with him with one exception . When Bob ran low on his $ 100 's in his pocket he would tell me he had to go do something ( it would always be the silliest thing , such as go get some bread ) , and I couldn 't go . Of course his made up errand always took longer then it should of based on what he told me he was going to do and he was always restocked with cash again . I may have failed to notice he knew my every move , but I did not fail to notice this , nor had I stopped " listening " . But I never asked a question , I just watched , and listened . And this was week 1 . . . . I follow the hostess as she takes me back deep into the restaurant to be seated with a man I 've never met , but who has already spent hundreds of dollars on me . I 'm thinking a million thoughts , " what do I say " , " how do I thank him for all he 's done " , " is he expecting something from me for his generosity " . We arrive at the table and there sits an incredibly handsome man , very different looking from his picture on Match . com , he 's much better looking . I feel myself instantly relaxing , he looks peaceful and comforting . For the first time I am seeing what I felt over the phone and through so many emails . I 'm no longer nervous , I 'm happy I didn 't chicken out . I sit down at the table and I 'm smiling , so is Bob . He speaks first and tells me he thinks I 'm more beautiful in person , I 'm happy , because I tell him I feel the same , we 're definitely off to a good start . We chat a bit , a little small talk and the I tell him how I almost chickened out and went back home , but now I 'm so happy I didn 't . Then he says something I can hardly believe , even to this day , " I 'm glad you didn 't , I have that TV you want in the back of my SUV " . My mouth dropped , " what , are you kidding me , that thing cost $ 700 and you barely know me ? " He say 's , " I know you , and I 'm happy to do it for you " . We continue on with dinner , enjoying our time together more then I could have ever hoped for . At one point he reached for me hand across the table , looked at me and said , " do you prefer silver or gold ? " I said , " what do you mean ? " He said , " jewelry - do you prefer silver or gold ? " It made me feel a bit uncomfortable , seriously , I think this man had spent enough on me without worrying about jewelry ! Nevertheless , I found myself saying , " gold " . Dinner came to an end , but we were having a wonderful time together and secretly I didn 't want our " meeting date " to end . We walked outside and he took to me to his SUV , and there in the back , big as could be was my TV . I was so speechless and even tough I was already physically attracted to this man and was having a wonderful night , I kept wondering what the " price " was for these financial generosities . We stood by his SUV chatting for a bit , when Bob said what I was feeling " I 'm having a really good time and I 'm not ready to call it a night , would you like to do something else this evening ? " Well . . . to be honest , I had already planned to go shopping for new bed linens . My new bedroom set was due to arrive soon and I had two things I needed to get done , one was get new sheets and the other was to go the store where I bought the furniture and pick up the lamp I had also purchased , because it wasn 't getting delivered . Sounds like a great way to continue a date . . . . I decided to just tell him I needed to do these things , it was more of a timing issue then anything else , and I really wanted to get my bedroom together because the couch wasn 't much fun . In Bob 's true form , he was ready to help . He said , " let 's go , leave your car here and we 'll go get everything you need " . So we did . Here I was on my first " meeting date " with this man and he was sheet shopping with me and we were having fun doing it . I already knew what I wanted , so we ran into Bed , Bath , and Beyond , I loaded my cart with all the items I needed . I had everything but a blanket , which unbeknownst to me was not lost on Bob . I went to check out and it was almost $ 400 . 00 . I hear Bob say , " let me get this for you " . . . . " what " . . . . " let me get this for you " , are you kidding me . . . . I said , " no , Bob , you bought me a TV , dinner , a hotel , a rental car , my gosh , no , I 'm buying my own bed linens . . . he didn 't push the issue , but he was more then happy to pay for everything . I didn 't know how to process this side of Bob . After we got the bed items we went the furniture When I was still in Alaska at the hotel Bob had asked me what kind of dates I enjoyed . I had shared a few of my favorite things to do in St . Louis , and had also included the fact it was the Holiday season and Tilles Park had all their lights up and one thing I had never done was go through there in a horse drawn carriage , but always wanted to . At the time , it was in my mind conversation , I never really gave it any more thought then that . But Bob did . . . When I agreed to see him again on Saturday night he said , " good I was planning on you saying Yes , because I 've already made reservations for us to go to Tilles park and see the lights in a horse drawn carriage " . There I stood once again thinking " are you for real " ? ? ? We parted ways in the parking lot with a warm hug , a little kiss , and a " I 'll call you tomorrow morning " . I got in my car and to this day I can 't remember the drive back to Lisa 's , my head was just spinning with everything . How could this all be so perfect ? Yes , how could this all be so perfect ? I got back to Lisa 's and had to get her to help me with the TV . Now remember Lisa . . she 's a realist that calls it like she sees it . She went downstairs with me and sees this giant Television in my car and I hear , " are you kidding me , what 's up with this guy , did this thing fall off a truck or what ? " I said , " I don 't know " , and proceeded to tell her everything about the evening . She was so skeptical , and so was I , but she was really skeptical . As he promised Bob called Saturday morning and asked what I was doing during the day . I told him I needed to get license plates for my car and run a few errands . He asked me to stop by his house if I wanted and he would take me to lunch . He told me he couldn 't wait to see me again . I felt the same way , I really enjoyed this man , and I was doing a great job ignoring the fact nothing about this was normal . . . I ran my errands , got my plates and went to his house for the first time . In Bob 's true , " let me help you form " , he put the plates on my car and took me to lunch . He told me he also wanted to take me dinner after our carriage ride through the park . I was really excited , it was something I always wanted to do . After lunch we parted ways with plans for me to come back to his house later that evening . Evening came and we started out on our date . We were really having fun , we enjoyed each other immensely and we both had a physical attraction to each other , so aside from the whole " gift " thing , it was wonderful . We arrive aThe carriage ride was fabulous , the lights were gorgeous , the blanket was warm , it was a fairy tale in the making . . . . or was it ? So now I was free of Fred , at least I was hoping so . Lisa and I headed out of there , I called Bob and let him know we were out of there safe and on our way to get something to eat . He was relieved . I still couldn 't believe I had all this help from a man I never met . Lisa was in the dark about everything . The poor girl , she was just doing along with everything as it was happening . We were both starving by this point so the first thing we did was go to the nicest place to eat in North Pole there was , a Chinese restaurant . We weren 't very far away yet , but we felt safe . Fred never went there and we were in a rental no one saw , so we relaxed and had a bite to eat . That 's when I started telling her about Bob . I shared how I had met him , how we emailed , and how he wanted to save me . Well you all don 't know Lisa . . . she 's a realist that calls it like she see 's it and she was suspect of Bob from that moment on . She was like me . . who does all this ? Of course at this point , I didn 't care , I was just grateful for his help . We had our meal , then headed to Fairbanks . I had never been to this hotel we were going to so once we found it , we were both impressed , he had us booked at a really nice place for Fairbanks . It was the nicest hotel in the town by far . So we got checked in and once again I called Bob , he had asked me to call once we got there because he wanted to make sure the place was nice and that we were settled in . Of course Lisa was there when I called so she heard the entire conversation . Here 's how it went . . . let me just say , if you 're wondering about Bob already , now you 're really going to wonder . Bob , " Who 's Lisa ? How long have you known her ? " " Do you trust her ? " " You 're going to be living with her when you come back ? " " How did you leave Fred 's ? " " Did you do anything revengeful ? " " You 're not going to have any anything at Lisa 's , what are you going to do for furniture and all the other things you need " ? I assured Bob I knew Lisa well , I had known her for about 10 years at that point . I also told him I had no intereMe , " All I really need when I get back is a bedroom set , Lisa has everything else . I am planning to get a TV for my bedroom so I can relax and watch whatever I want and not bother Lisa , but other then that , I should be fine " . Bob , " what kind of TV are you going to get " . Me , " I 'm not sure , but I did see one at Walmart I liked that had a slot on the side so you can play DVD 's " . Bob , " Walmart , I hate that store . " Me , " Well , that 's about all I have to look around in up here " . Bob , " Do you have a model number or anything for this TV ? " Me , " No , it 's just a 20 " TV and it was the only one with the DVD slot on the side " . Bob , " Ok , make sure you call me before you go to bed " . Me , " Ok will do , talk to you later " . . . . end of conversation . Our four remaining days in Fairbanks were pretty uneventful . We went to a couple of movies , we ate out , we went to a craft fair , we did anything to blow time . There isn 't a lot to do in Fairbanks , and of course we didn 't go out in the evening much , because we didn 't want to risk running in to Fred . He didn 't know if we were still in Alaska or not , but he did go to Fairbanks from time to time for things . Meanwhile I was able to speak to Bob whenever I wanted , or should I say whenever Bob wanted to talk to me . Bob kept close tabs on me , which was not lost on Lisa . He was very generous . As I had mentioned , he was paying for the hotel and car , but he was also offering to pay for massages if we wanted them , dinners in the hotel , anything we wanted really . I 'm not like that , so I didn 't take him up on those offers , but they were generous . Too generous for Lisa . She kept saying , " you 've never even met this guy " . I may not have , but I had plans to for Friday night , and it was Sunday , so I only had 5 days to go . Sunday night we were scheduled to fly out . Most flights to the lower 48 leave around midnight in Alaska , and so did ours . I 'll never forget that night . We had so much stuff to bring back . We were at our maximum allowable everything . We had the maximum amount of check luggage , carry on luggage , carry on purses , bags , you name it , we maxed out . It was the coldest night I had experienced there , it was 26 below zero . I remember pulling up to the airport and dropping Lisa off with all of our items so I could just check the car in and come in to meet up with her . I dropped the car and walked to the door . I didn 't have the cold weather gear you needed for there anymore because I didn 't want to bring it back to St . Louis , I would never need it here . I had donated it all to a charity during the 4 days I waited for the flight . So I was walking to the door in 26 below temperatures with just a coat , I didn 't even have a pair of gloves . I remember finally reaching the door to go inside and thinking to myself , " I will never feel this cold again " , and I never have . We got our flight , no problems , we flew to Seattle where we hung out for a couple of hours then caught our flight to St . Louis . We arrived on Monday and my gosh did it feel good to be home in more ways then I can describe . Lisa had arranged for another friend of hers to pick us up , so we were at her condo in no time . When we arrived back at her condo all my boxes I had shipped back were waiting for me . My cell phone had even arrived . On Tuesday morning we rode to work together and by 9 : 00am my new car was delivered to the office for me . Things were coming together quickly and I was loving it . Everyone at work was very gracious about the fact things had not worked out and they welcomed me back without pressing the issue . I was really appreciative . And then I got a phone call from the lobby - " Hi Miss Jane , you have flowers down here waiting for you , they 're beautiful " . . . I thought who would do that ? So , I went down to look and there was this HUGE arrangement of flowers , and they were from Bob ! I thought to myself , I can 't bring these to my desk . Everyone knows I 'm back because things didn 't work out with Fred , and now I have this huge flower arrangement from Bob and no one knows about him , heck I don 't even know about him . . . so I called Lisa 's desk . I said , " you have to come get these , pretend someone sent them to you or do whatever , just please take them home with you " . Lisa 's a trooper so she came and got them , hid the card , and brought them back to the condo that evening . The rest of the week went along pretty normal , I went shopping for furniture , worked during the day , spoke to Bob a lot , and we finalized our plans for meeting Friday night . Friday night came and to be honest , I almost chickened out . I even drove to the restaurant where we were to meet and almost didn 't park , I wanted to just drive back home . Here I had just gotten out of that horrible situation and I was thinking to myself , " what am I doing meeting another man already " . I never intended for any of this to go this far . I was only playing around on Thanksgiving for something to do . What in the heck am I doing ? ? But , I parked and I went in . This was a really nice steak restaurant Bob had chosen , so the minute I walked in the Hostess said , you must be Jane , please follow me . . . See you next Sunday ! ! ! |
As Bob shared with me the reason why I shouldn 't know about everything in life as we lay in bed talking , he also said something that said so much in so many ways . He reminded me of how he hadn 't always had plenty of money . I knew this about him . Bob had grown up one of 9 children , all boys . They had been very poor . They couldn 't afford much for clothes so they were given white undershirts to wear for their shirts , and they of course they ate leftovers whenever there were any . Bob had taken off as a teen and never looked back . He had been determined to carve a different life out for himself . He had gotten his first wife pregnant when they were dating as young adults and so he had married her . He was a young man with a young family to take care of . As we lay there talking he reminded me of this and added , so you know , I had to do things I 'm not proud of . He told me he had to get involved in the drug industry . He quickly followed up with , I never did any drugs , I was smarter then that , I could see there was plenty of money to be made in the industry so I did that until I got on my feet as an adult , and " of course " I don 't do it anymore . Then I heard , " you don 't think any less of me do you " . Of course I said , " no , no , you had to do what you had to do to put food on the table , I get it " . He again reiterated how he was no longer involved in the drug industry . Meanwhile I 'm thinking about his current lifestyle . Bob was still paying the house payment on his ex - wife 's house which was a nice place in a very nice neighborhood . He too lived in the same neighborhood and he was paying for his own house . Then his youngest was in a very exclusive private Christian Boy 's High School , which of course he was paying for . We ate out every night , oh and btw - Bob never ever at a left over . He rarely ate a full plate of food , in fact he intentionally didn 't eat all his food to watch his weight , but he never took a bite home . He bought me anything and made sure I wanted for nothing . Bob also had another tell tale part to his life style . Bob traveled to Miami all the time with his buddies to play golf . He played at all the best clubs , if you recall me mentioning how he had the towels framed in shadow boxes in his family room . He had also started discussing how we were going to handle Christmas dinner . Now , mind you , the only people coming to Christmas dinner were his two sons , the one son 's girlfriend , his grandson , and myself . A real small group , yet Bob wanted to have Turkey , Ham , sides , and Tippins Pies ( very costly pies ) . He didn 't want me to cook these items either , he wanted to it catered . As I laid in bed I thought back on my childhood . I had a step - grandfather that lived across the street from us . He became my step - grandfather when his son married my Mom . He always had rolls of hundreds on him , money was spent like he needed to get rid of it , and he always went to Miami to see is buddies , and he went by " Eddie " , and yes , he was in the mob . I could tell you stories about my life with him in it that would be a whole knew blog short story . Basically , as I lay there thinking about it all , I had to admit to myself the truth and that I knew what was up . I didn 't want to believe it , but how could I not ? Yet here I had met a man so different then Fred , I wanted it all to not be true . I loved my new life style . Who wouldn 't , I mean money grew on trees so it seemed . Actually , when I was honest with myself , money was something he wanted to have go through is hands quickly . As much as I enjoyed it all , as I fell asleep I knew I needed to plan escape # 2 . I had never asked questions but I knew a lot . I continued on as if things were normal . I came home to his house every day from work , went out to eat each night . Spent time with him and his family when they came around and I helped plan the Christmas dinner . This dinner was very important to him . Family was important , and he was falling in love with me , he had told me he loved me many times . He wanted to spend Christmas with me in his life . I on the other hand knew the relationship would need to end , so when he expressed his love I had to struggle to say something appropriate in return . I picked my words carefully . I could tell that frustrated me . He wanted me to need him more , rely on him Christmas eve came and Bob wanted to exchange gifts between him and I . He wanted it to be romantic when no one else was there . I expected gifts similar to what I had purchased for him , which had been clothing , and a few other things I thought he might enjoy . The first box he handed me was small . I thought to myself , omgosh , new sweaters don 't fit in boxes like this . . . . he was beaming with excitement for me to open my gift . I did , wow , 1 / 2 carat each diamond earrings ! I wanted to cry for all the reasons he wouldn 't have understood . I immediately said , " Bob , these are too nice , too expensive , I can 't accept a gift like this " . He took that as , " what a sweet girl , she 's not a gold digger " , rather then " she wants the heck out of this relationship and now she feels even more hooked in " . Then I got box # 2 . It was small as well , but longer . I opened it , again Bob was all smiles . I about fell over , it was a Movado watch with diamonds all around the face . Really ! ! ! The gifts were beautiful of course , what girl wouldn 't love them . How do you leave a man like this . How was I going to leave a man like this . I gave him his sweater I had bought . . . he loved it . The next day was Christmas , and believe it or not , the day that I left . More next week . . . . . What a whirlwind the first week had been . We were having a lot of fun and Bob really seemed to enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed his . He introduced me to his friends , took me everywhere because I did one thing really well . I just smiled a lot and kept my mouth shut . The money kept flowing . As Christmas approached there were gifts to be bought and a Christmas dinner to be planned . I remember him telling me he needed to get a gift basket from Bath and Body Works for his son 's girlfriend . I just happened to be going there myself so I offered to pick one up for him . He was very appreciative and said , " get the biggest one they have " , " do you think $ 100 will cover it ? " I told him I did , and he peeled off another $ 100 for me . Well the biggest they had at that time cost $ 50 . 00 so I brought it home and went to give him his change . He said , " oh no , I appreciate the favor , you keep it " . I told him " no " , but he wouldn 't hear of it , so I had a little more walking around money . I remember once we were going somewhere and he was out of his usual roll of $ 100 's and we had to go by an ATM . He said , " I hate these things , they only give out $ 20 's " . It took all I had not to start giggling at him . . . Bob drove a beautiful new SUV , it was a Mountaineer in a pearl white . He told me it belonged to the company . Well that was interesting too . Bob was never short of tricks up his sleeve . He was the President of the St . Louis location for a Cleaning Company that did Janitorial services for places like the Airport here in St . Louis , and many large school districts in the area . They had big contracts . The business was in a building of course . The St . Louis location was just one of may locations that was under a parent location in another city I 've now forgotten . Bob wanted to buy the building they were in here in St . Louis and have them rent the building from him . The parent office was not interested because they felt it was all too close and could create a conflict of interest . Of course Bob saw easy money , so he bought the building under another company name and leased it to them just like he wanted to . They never knew . By now Lisa was wondering if I was ever going to move into her extra bedroom . I had moved furniture in but had never even slept in my new bed . I paid her rent though because I wanted to know that room was there if I needed it . I did bring back may of the things he was buying for me , it was just endless , until one day Lisa made the joke " you 're going to have to claim Bob on your taxes " . . . Bob already knew Lisa was suspect of him , and he didn 't like that much . He especially didn 't want her influencing me in any way - hence another reason to keep me at his house and away from her . He was concerned about her , more so then I realized . So one day he comes up with , " I think I know someone that might be good for Lisa " . Lisa was and still is to this day , looking for Mr . Right . I asked him who and he told me about some guy he knew . Then he said , " I would like to get to know her better first to make sure , how about we all go to dinner together " . I thought that was a great idea because I was missing my friend . It never dawned on me he just wanted to get a feel for Lisa and to see if she could cause him any real trouble . I told Lisa about his plan and she agreed to go to dinner . The difference between her and I - she knew what he really wanted to find out at that dinner . We went to dinner and Bob asked her lots of questions , hidden in conversation as usual . I guess he didn 't find her to be any real threat . After that he never really mentioned her again , and of course there never was a guy he wanted to fix Lisa up with . I followed my normal routine every day , went to work , came home to his house , let myself in and watched TV until Bob came home . There was never any work to do around there bigger then laundry or the dishwasher . Bob paid to have people do everything else for him . He had a housekeeper and a company that took care of his yard . He took care of the drycleaning . He knew someone who owned a drycleaners so he took both our clothes there and brought them back . I never dealt with them , which was nice . So there wasn 't much to do but watch TV and wait for him to come home . And to be honest , I always felt I was being watched when I was there . I never dared to look around in places I didn 't belong . I swore those golf balls were keeping track of me . The Christmas presents were accumulating so I started wrapping them after work . But , when Bob arrived home he was ready to go out to eat , so I knew I needed to bePosted by I started to learn a few things about Bob - he had been married once for 20 + years , had been divorced for 3 or 4 , recently broke up with his last girlfriend , had two boys , one that was still in High School , and had a 5 year old Grandson . Pretty run of the mill , nothing unusual in any of that , of course if you were to assume that , you would be wrong . Even the norm I soon found out wasn 't normal when it came to Bob . For example Bob explained to me his oldest son got his girlfriend pregnant and had not yet married the mother of his Grandson , but intended too . Bob didn 't seem bothered by this , in fact he felt his son had some growing up to do . He really adored the mother of his Grandson and back when she had become pregnant , both of them were very young and didn 't have good jobs or the means to do much . The mother had an interest in becoming a dental hygienist , so Bob paid for all of her schooling so she could become one . I quickly learned he was endlessly generous . Bob also shared details about his past girlfriend that I very quickly figured out I was supposed to be learning from . Detail number one - and might I add the most important detail . . . she was nosey . Bob never missed a chance to tell me she had asked too may questions . She tried to get a look at his cell phone when a call came in , and she frequently asked who had called . She also asked " other " questions . He made it very clear that was a big reason he broke up with her . Hmmm note to self - don 't ask questions . . . Apparently Bob 's generosity with her was never shorted either . He told me used to pay for her car insurance , all her gas , and on and on . It was amazing listening to this man . The one things I did realize was , I didn 't have to ask questions , I only needed to listen carefully . I stayed the night at Bob 's house after that first date . It was late when we got back and we were enjoying each other 's company tremendously , neither of us wanted the night to end , so we didn 't let it . Bob 's house was beautiful and everything was in perfect order . It was an older home that had been brought back to life . His taste in furniture was eclectic in that I found some rooms to be contemporary and some rooms had beautiful antiques . He enjoyed golfing so his family room was decorated with a golf theme . He had been to some of the most exquisite golf courses around the US and had the golf towels to prove it framed all around the room . It was clear Bob was not hurting financially . The house had a three car garage attached by a covered walkway . The previous evening , before our date he had me put my car in the garage . There were two other cars in there , one was a ' 57 Chevy he had picked up for his younger son who could not yet drive and the other was a collector car of his friend Frankies . It was when Bob was showing me Frankies car that he told me his friends called him " Bobby " . I never called him that , I stuck with Bob , but I soon learned all his friends had names that ended in " ie " . I was learning other things about Bob as well , he was routine , he had his way of doing things and he didn 't like to stray from his ways . When we went to bed that first night , I learned he could not go to sleep unless the room had 100 % darkness . He had a routine of letting down curtains , turning thing around , covering things , it was interesting to watch as he prepared the room so he could sleep . He had no alarm clock because of they light up . He asked me if any of this bothered me . It didn 't in the least , I have my own routines in life , so I understood . He seemed relieved , and told me his routine ways had bothered his ex - girlfriend and he never missed an opportunity to tell me she was a slob . Note to self - don 't be a slob . The routineness of Bob was everywhere . I wanted to shower and Bob kept his towels in his laundry room . I went to get what I needed and I just stood there in amazement . On the wall were several shelves , full of towels . It looked like Bed , Bath , and Beyond . He owned three colors and had multiple sets in each color . They were all stacked perfectly by type and color . I went to put my glass I had been drinking from in the dishwasher and found all the dirty dishes and glasses perfectly organized . Bob had also made an interesting comment during our conversation about his impeccable organization . He had said , " you know why I keep everything in perfect order , in case someone comes in my house , I 'll know they were here " . I went home that morning , but only after Bob wanted to give me a key to his house and shared his alarm code with me . I noticed something about how I felt when Bob wanted to share this information , and give me the key - I felt as if I were being tested . Bob and I chatted more and more after he had put the key next to my purse on the counter , so it was really easy to " forget " it when I left . I wasn 't ready for a key to this man 's home yet . Of course before I left Bob wanted to know what I was going to do for the day . He didn 't have much planned , but he did have an obligation that night to go to watch his Grandson play soccer I believe ( I don 't recall the sport that well anymore ) . When he told me that I immediately assumed I would not see him , when all of a sudden he said , " I would really like you to go so you can meet my family " . I was shocked . Could this man move any faster . . . I did agree to go , I liked Bob and as much as he wanted to spend time with me , I wanted to spend it with him . Another interesting fact I 'll mention about Bob at this point , remember he made it clear asking too many questions was a quick way to end things with him , well that was a one way rule . Bob never quit asking questions about me , he wanted to know everything he could learn . And any time he uncovered something that wasn 't just right , he did his best to fix it . For example , just in conversation I shared with him how I had shipped home all my tools I owned , but the tool box had just been too heavy , so I left my tool box in the back of Fred 's truck . Next time I saw Bob , he had a new tool box for me . Once we went shopping at a clothing store because he needed something . I found some clothes I wanted , of course Bob paid for them as well . These are just a few small examples . Within the first week of knowing Bob , the items he purchased for me piled up at Lisa 's condo . After going back to Lisa 's for a bit and getting ready for our evening together , I went back to Bob 's . I immediately was asked , " why didn 't you take the key , I really want you to have it ? " . I explained it was so soon and it 's a big deal to trust someone with your house . He looked what felt like right to the core of me and said , " I 'm sure I can trust you " . So not only did I get a key , but I got my own garage door opener . That night we went to the event for his Grandson and I met his older son and his girlfriend . They were all very nice . The girlfriend told me she was surprised she was meeting me so quickly , that he had not brought the previous girlfriend around for over 6 months after he had started dating her . She also told me that Bob was very generous and the girlfriend had taken advantage of that . She felt she was definitely a gold digger . Interesting conversation . . . From that point on I spent most of my time with Bob . In the first week I was going out to dinner with Bob each night because he didn 't like to cook , and his friends were all Italian restaurant owners . We ate at all the best places , then we would come back to his house and hang out . It was really nice . I was finding it to be a little hard to get ready for work . My clothes , hair care , makeup , etc were all at Lisa 's , so I had to get up early , go to Lisa 's , get ready , then drive to work . Bob noticed this because he didn 't care much for me leaving early in the morning . I told him I had all my stuff I needed there . Of course Bob had the solution . Here 's how it went - Bob always had a roll of hundred dollar bills on him , so he peeled off about 4 of them and said , " here , take this , after work go buy everything you need so you can get ready for work at my house . I 'll make room in my closet for your clothes , and then you won 't have to go back there . " . I was thinking to myself , really , and I 've known you less than a week . . . In the midst of this whirlwind with Bob , all the fun , the fancy dates , the gifts , cash , I failed to notice something significant . Bob had managed to create an environment where he knew my every move . He had me coming home from work to his house and not leaving unless I was with him or he knew where I was going , until I left for work the next day . Anywhere Bob went , I went with him with one exception . When Bob ran low on his $ 100 's in his pocket he would tell me he had to go do something ( it would always be the silliest thing , such as go get some bread ) , and I couldn 't go . Of course his made up errand always took longer then it should of based on what he told me he was going to do and he was always restocked with cash again . I may have failed to notice he knew my every move , but I did not fail to notice this , nor had I stopped " listening " . But I never asked a question , I just watched , and listened . And this was week 1 . . . . I follow the hostess as she takes me back deep into the restaurant to be seated with a man I 've never met , but who has already spent hundreds of dollars on me . I 'm thinking a million thoughts , " what do I say " , " how do I thank him for all he 's done " , " is he expecting something from me for his generosity " . We arrive at the table and there sits an incredibly handsome man , very different looking from his picture on Match . com , he 's much better looking . I feel myself instantly relaxing , he looks peaceful and comforting . For the first time I am seeing what I felt over the phone and through so many emails . I 'm no longer nervous , I 'm happy I didn 't chicken out . I sit down at the table and I 'm smiling , so is Bob . He speaks first and tells me he thinks I 'm more beautiful in person , I 'm happy , because I tell him I feel the same , we 're definitely off to a good start . We chat a bit , a little small talk and the I tell him how I almost chickened out and went back home , but now I 'm so happy I didn 't . Then he says something I can hardly believe , even to this day , " I 'm glad you didn 't , I have that TV you want in the back of my SUV " . My mouth dropped , " what , are you kidding me , that thing cost $ 700 and you barely know me ? " He say 's , " I know you , and I 'm happy to do it for you " . We continue on with dinner , enjoying our time together more then I could have ever hoped for . At one point he reached for me hand across the table , looked at me and said , " do you prefer silver or gold ? " I said , " what do you mean ? " He said , " jewelry - do you prefer silver or gold ? " It made me feel a bit uncomfortable , seriously , I think this man had spent enough on me without worrying about jewelry ! Nevertheless , I found myself saying , " gold " . Dinner came to an end , but we were having a wonderful time together and secretly I didn 't want our " meeting date " to end . We walked outside and he took to me to his SUV , and there in the back , big as could be was my TV . I was so speechless and even tough I was already physically attracted to this man and was having a wonderful night , I kept wondering what the " price " was for these financial generosities . We stood by his SUV chatting for a bit , when Bob said what I was feeling " I 'm having a really good time and I 'm not ready to call it a night , would you like to do something else this evening ? " Well . . . to be honest , I had already planned to go shopping for new bed linens . My new bedroom set was due to arrive soon and I had two things I needed to get done , one was get new sheets and the other was to go the store where I bought the furniture and pick up the lamp I had also purchased , because it wasn 't getting delivered . Sounds like a great way to continue a date . . . . I decided to just tell him I needed to do these things , it was more of a timing issue then anything else , and I really wanted to get my bedroom together because the couch wasn 't much fun . In Bob 's true form , he was ready to help . He said , " let 's go , leave your car here and we 'll go get everything you need " . So we did . Here I was on my first " meeting date " with this man and he was sheet shopping with me and we were having fun doing it . I already knew what I wanted , so we ran into Bed , Bath , and Beyond , I loaded my cart with all the items I needed . I had everything but a blanket , which unbeknownst to me was not lost on Bob . I went to check out and it was almost $ 400 . 00 . I hear Bob say , " let me get this for you " . . . . " what " . . . . " let me get this for you " , are you kidding me . . . . I said , " no , Bob , you bought me a TV , dinner , a hotel , a rental car , my gosh , no , I 'm buying my own bed linens . . . he didn 't push the issue , but he was more then happy to pay for everything . I didn 't know how to process this side of Bob . After we got the bed items we went the furniture When I was still in Alaska at the hotel Bob had asked me what kind of dates I enjoyed . I had shared a few of my favorite things to do in St . Louis , and had also included the fact it was the Holiday season and Tilles Park had all their lights up and one thing I had never done was go through there in a horse drawn carriage , but always wanted to . At the time , it was in my mind conversation , I never really gave it any more thought then that . But Bob did . . . When I agreed to see him again on Saturday night he said , " good I was planning on you saying Yes , because I 've already made reservations for us to go to Tilles park and see the lights in a horse drawn carriage " . There I stood once again thinking " are you for real " ? ? ? We parted ways in the parking lot with a warm hug , a little kiss , and a " I 'll call you tomorrow morning " . I got in my car and to this day I can 't remember the drive back to Lisa 's , my head was just spinning with everything . How could this all be so perfect ? Yes , how could this all be so perfect ? I got back to Lisa 's and had to get her to help me with the TV . Now remember Lisa . . she 's a realist that calls it like she sees it . She went downstairs with me and sees this giant Television in my car and I hear , " are you kidding me , what 's up with this guy , did this thing fall off a truck or what ? " I said , " I don 't know " , and proceeded to tell her everything about the evening . She was so skeptical , and so was I , but she was really skeptical . As he promised Bob called Saturday morning and asked what I was doing during the day . I told him I needed to get license plates for my car and run a few errands . He asked me to stop by his house if I wanted and he would take me to lunch . He told me he couldn 't wait to see me again . I felt the same way , I really enjoyed this man , and I was doing a great job ignoring the fact nothing about this was normal . . . I ran my errands , got my plates and went to his house for the first time . In Bob 's true , " let me help you form " , he put the plates on my car and took me to lunch . He told me he also wanted to take me dinner after our carriage ride through the park . I was really excited , it was something I always wanted to do . After lunch we parted ways with plans for me to come back to his house later that evening . Evening came and we started out on our date . We were really having fun , we enjoyed each other immensely and we both had a physical attraction to each other , so aside from the whole " gift " thing , it was wonderful . We arrive aThe carriage ride was fabulous , the lights were gorgeous , the blanket was warm , it was a fairy tale in the making . . . . or was it ? So now I was free of Fred , at least I was hoping so . Lisa and I headed out of there , I called Bob and let him know we were out of there safe and on our way to get something to eat . He was relieved . I still couldn 't believe I had all this help from a man I never met . Lisa was in the dark about everything . The poor girl , she was just doing along with everything as it was happening . We were both starving by this point so the first thing we did was go to the nicest place to eat in North Pole there was , a Chinese restaurant . We weren 't very far away yet , but we felt safe . Fred never went there and we were in a rental no one saw , so we relaxed and had a bite to eat . That 's when I started telling her about Bob . I shared how I had met him , how we emailed , and how he wanted to save me . Well you all don 't know Lisa . . . she 's a realist that calls it like she see 's it and she was suspect of Bob from that moment on . She was like me . . who does all this ? Of course at this point , I didn 't care , I was just grateful for his help . We had our meal , then headed to Fairbanks . I had never been to this hotel we were going to so once we found it , we were both impressed , he had us booked at a really nice place for Fairbanks . It was the nicest hotel in the town by far . So we got checked in and once again I called Bob , he had asked me to call once we got there because he wanted to make sure the place was nice and that we were settled in . Of course Lisa was there when I called so she heard the entire conversation . Here 's how it went . . . let me just say , if you 're wondering about Bob already , now you 're really going to wonder . Bob , " Who 's Lisa ? How long have you known her ? " " Do you trust her ? " " You 're going to be living with her when you come back ? " " How did you leave Fred 's ? " " Did you do anything revengeful ? " " You 're not going to have any anything at Lisa 's , what are you going to do for furniture and all the other things you need " ? I assured Bob I knew Lisa well , I had known her for about 10 years at that point . I also told him I had no intereMe , " All I really need when I get back is a bedroom set , Lisa has everything else . I am planning to get a TV for my bedroom so I can relax and watch whatever I want and not bother Lisa , but other then that , I should be fine " . Bob , " what kind of TV are you going to get " . Me , " I 'm not sure , but I did see one at Walmart I liked that had a slot on the side so you can play DVD 's " . Bob , " Walmart , I hate that store . " Me , " Well , that 's about all I have to look around in up here " . Bob , " Do you have a model number or anything for this TV ? " Me , " No , it 's just a 20 " TV and it was the only one with the DVD slot on the side " . Bob , " Ok , make sure you call me before you go to bed " . Me , " Ok will do , talk to you later " . . . . end of conversation . Our four remaining days in Fairbanks were pretty uneventful . We went to a couple of movies , we ate out , we went to a craft fair , we did anything to blow time . There isn 't a lot to do in Fairbanks , and of course we didn 't go out in the evening much , because we didn 't want to risk running in to Fred . He didn 't know if we were still in Alaska or not , but he did go to Fairbanks from time to time for things . Meanwhile I was able to speak to Bob whenever I wanted , or should I say whenever Bob wanted to talk to me . Bob kept close tabs on me , which was not lost on Lisa . He was very generous . As I had mentioned , he was paying for the hotel and car , but he was also offering to pay for massages if we wanted them , dinners in the hotel , anything we wanted really . I 'm not like that , so I didn 't take him up on those offers , but they were generous . Too generous for Lisa . She kept saying , " you 've never even met this guy " . I may not have , but I had plans to for Friday night , and it was Sunday , so I only had 5 days to go . Sunday night we were scheduled to fly out . Most flights to the lower 48 leave around midnight in Alaska , and so did ours . I 'll never forget that night . We had so much stuff to bring back . We were at our maximum allowable everything . We had the maximum amount of check luggage , carry on luggage , carry on purses , bags , you name it , we maxed out . It was the coldest night I had experienced there , it was 26 below zero . I remember pulling up to the airport and dropping Lisa off with all of our items so I could just check the car in and come in to meet up with her . I dropped the car and walked to the door . I didn 't have the cold weather gear you needed for there anymore because I didn 't want to bring it back to St . Louis , I would never need it here . I had donated it all to a charity during the 4 days I waited for the flight . So I was walking to the door in 26 below temperatures with just a coat , I didn 't even have a pair of gloves . I remember finally reaching the door to go inside and thinking to myself , " I will never feel this cold again " , and I never have . We got our flight , no problems , we flew to Seattle where we hung out for a couple of hours then caught our flight to St . Louis . We arrived on Monday and my gosh did it feel good to be home in more ways then I can describe . Lisa had arranged for another friend of hers to pick us up , so we were at her condo in no time . When we arrived back at her condo all my boxes I had shipped back were waiting for me . My cell phone had even arrived . On Tuesday morning we rode to work together and by 9 : 00am my new car was delivered to the office for me . Things were coming together quickly and I was loving it . Everyone at work was very gracious about the fact things had not worked out and they welcomed me back without pressing the issue . I was really appreciative . And then I got a phone call from the lobby - " Hi Miss Jane , you have flowers down here waiting for you , they 're beautiful " . . . I thought who would do that ? So , I went down to look and there was this HUGE arrangement of flowers , and they were from Bob ! I thought to myself , I can 't bring these to my desk . Everyone knows I 'm back because things didn 't work out with Fred , and now I have this huge flower arrangement from Bob and no one knows about him , heck I don 't even know about him . . . so I called Lisa 's desk . I said , " you have to come get these , pretend someone sent them to you or do whatever , just please take them home with you " . Lisa 's a trooper so she came and got them , hid the card , and brought them back to the condo that evening . The rest of the week went along pretty normal , I went shopping for furniture , worked during the day , spoke to Bob a lot , and we finalized our plans for meeting Friday night . Friday night came and to be honest , I almost chickened out . I even drove to the restaurant where we were to meet and almost didn 't park , I wanted to just drive back home . Here I had just gotten out of that horrible situation and I was thinking to myself , " what am I doing meeting another man already " . I never intended for any of this to go this far . I was only playing around on Thanksgiving for something to do . What in the heck am I doing ? ? But , I parked and I went in . This was a really nice steak restaurant Bob had chosen , so the minute I walked in the Hostess said , you must be Jane , please follow me . . . See you next Sunday ! ! ! |
Exceedingly average , 20 - something , humanoid female . Explicit and opinionated . LGBTQ , anti - bullying , equality warrior . Casual gamer , Netflix binge - watcher , YouTube addict , lover of books , secret superhero , and stay - at - home mom to an awesome little boy . Category : Life Take A Walk With Jan # 14 Hello , friends ! I am one frustrated mama right now ! I try not to judge others too much on how they raise their kids ( let 's be real , we all judge people at least a little bit when it comes to certain things ) , but this woman at the park today got UNDER MY SKIN , y ' all . Specifically , how she chose NOT to parent her child . I just gave my own toddler a bath , put him to sleep , and grabbed another cup of coffee , so , let me just start from the beginning . After weeks and weeks of rain , where we 've barely been able to go outside , let alone play at the park , we were finally able to take a loooong walk and get some good playtime in today . It was 83 degrees , partly sunny , and breezy . Absolutely beautiful . We stocked up on water , slathered on some sunscreen , and headed out . When we got to the playground , there was only one family there . Well , I assumed they were a family . A young woman , a guy , a little boy a bit younger than Liam , and a baby girl , maybe 10 months old . The two adults were sitting on a bench nearby with the baby , while the little boy ran around the park like a tiny hurricane , as little boys do . As soon as I parked our stroller , the very red , very sweaty , little boy ran up to us , and went straight for Liam 's fruit snacks , which were sitting in his tray . I gently blocked the boy 's hand , and told him that they were not his . I looked up at his mother , but she hadn 't noticed , so I just brushed it off , and the little boy wandered away . Liam ran around the playground , climbing the stairs , scaling the rock wall , and sliding endlessly down the three slides , all the while , the little boy trailed behind us , following us from place to place . The mom didn 't acknowledge it , and I didn 't care too much , as he wasn 't really bothering us . That is , until I noticed his little face . Aside from being completely sunburned and sweaty , this kid was also covered in snot . Snot all over his nose , his cheeks , and in his mouth . He also had goopy , yellow / green crust all around his eyes . I couldn 't tell if it was nasty allergies , or nasty conjunctivitis , but I didn 't really want him touching us either way . We walked over to the swing , the little boy trailing behind us , and I began to push my tot . The little boy plopped himself down onto the playground pebbles , right at my feet , and began burying my feet in tiny stones . I moved to the side , but he kept doing it , and I kept kicking the rocks off . He then began alternating between piling rocks on my shoes , throwing rocks at my legs , and stomping on my foot . Twice , I asked him nicely to stop , both times loud enough for the mother to hear , and she didn 't even look up . The third time , I was more stern , and she definitely heard me , but she didn 't even acknowledge the situation . Now , I 'm not one to raise my voice at another person 's child , especially a toddler , but the whole situation was frustrating . I can handle a small child pestering me , but several stray rocks had hit Liam , and you just don 't mess with my baby , man . He also kept running in around the swing , almost getting knocked over a handful of times , and I feared for his safety , so we left the swing , and moved over to the roundabout . The little boy followed , of course , but instead of climbing on with Liam , he began chucking more little rocks onto the roundabout . Once again , loud enough for his mother to hear , I told him that throwing rocks was not nice , and that he needed to stop . The mother had now looked up , and sat there , watching . She said nothing to her little boy . So , I yanked the cup back from him , and picked up Liam so that he could drink in peace without the little boy pawing at him . Speaking of the mother , she had finally taken notice of her son 's behavior , and shouted shrilly for him to get away from our stroller . He didn 't listen , and that was that . Nothing else . She just shouted , and gave up , going back to her conversation with this man , who I had now discovered was her ex - boyfriend 's brother , whom she apparently wanted to have a 3rd child with . I stood nearby and watched as they played in the dirt and wood chips , when suddenly , the little boy ran up to me , and slapped me on the thigh . I scolded him loudly , a mere three feet from his mother , and all she did was glance up at us . I was now pissed off . I told Liam that we had to go soon , and asked if he wanted to go on the slide one more time . He went up to the top , and the little boy ran off . I watched Liam slide down the slide , and as I walked over to him , I saw the little boy charging toward me out of the corner of my eye . Then , out of nowhere , he hit me with a fucking stick . Right across my knee . He may have only been a year and a half , but it hurt , man ! Not okay ! I was done . Fed up . I was hot and sweaty , this toddler was being a total brat , and his mother was doing NOTHING to police his behavior . I picked up Liam and put him in the stroller , and the boy tried to steal his cup again . I yanked it out of his hands , and heard his mother shout , " HEY ! " I don 't know who she was yelling at , me or her son , but I shot her the dirtiest look I could muster . I was done being nice . I was done parenting her tiny , demon spawn for her so she could try to hook up with her ex 's brother , or whatever the hell was happening with these people . So , as I unlocked the tires and began to leave , I said loudly , " Sorry , buddy , we have to go now . Some people can 't control their kids . " My total came to $ 8 . 35 . I handed the cashier $ 3 . 75 in cash from Liam 's piggy bank to pay for his coloring books , and told her the rest would go on my card . She stared at the money in her hand , and asked me how much it was . I told her it was $ 3 . 75 , and I saw the wheels start to turn . You see , Dollar General registers are the worst . There is no way to separate payment types , you just enter the amount left to pay . It 's really not that hard , but it tripped me up a few times back when I worked there , even with a calculator . Me : But … I shouldn 't be getting change back . I gave you cash to pay for some of it , and put the rest on my card … why are you giving me change ? Then , Liam and I shared a strawberry crumble ice cream bar , and headed home . I also passed by a group of teenagers who were having an intense debate over whether or not Yoshi pooped out eggs , or spit them out , in the old Mario games . That made me laugh . However , by the time we got home , I was DRENCHED in sweat , pink all over , irritated with everyone on the planet , and beyond thirsty . I guess that 's it . I 'm done . I 'm over it now , and I hope that I never see that woman or her bratty kid ever again , but seeing as how I live in a small town , where I see a lot of the same faces , I probably will . Posted on May 15 , 2017June 19 , 2017Categories LifeTags annoying , brat , Dollar General , ice cream , kids , life , lol , motherhood , parenting , park , personal , playground , rude , Take A Walk With Jan , toddlers6 Comments on Take A Walk With Jan # 14 Control Today , I want to tell you all a story . A story about lies , bullying , drugs , and abuse . This story is about the time that I realized that I deserved better than the situations that I was put in . This story takes place back in the early 2000s , when I was roughly 11 years old , give or take . I guess I 'll start from the beginning . Let me preface this by saying that I in NO way blame my mother for anything that transpired in this story . She was only trying to make things work with what we had , and the minute she was made aware , she removed me from the situation . I love my mom , and she has always loved me , and has always done right by me . This one is a long one , folks . Growing up , my mother could not afford a babysitter or daycare for me . When I was much younger , I would spend my afternoons at an afterschool program run by volunteers , playing basketball in the gymnasium , or doing arts and crafts . However , when I was 10 / 11 years old , and right on the cusp of finally being old enough ( in her eyes ) to stay home alone after school while she was at work , the program ended . Because of this , I bounced around between a few of her friends and family members after school , none of which really wanted anything to do with babysitting me . For a while , I would walk to my mom 's boyfriend 's mother 's house , who lived just a few blocks from the school , and she would watch me and her grandson together . Unfortunately , she didn 't really like me much , and said the two of us were too much for her , and I could not longer stay there . The last " babysitter " that I ever had was one of my mother 's oldest friends . We 'll call her Carol * . Carol had a son my age , and we had grown up together . She lived near the school , and it seemed like a perfect fit . Her son and I would walk home together after school , then sit around and watch TV , or do our homework , until my mom came to get me . All the while being under the watchful eye of one of my mom 's closest friends , for a fraction of the cost that a center or actual babysitter / nanny cost . Only , that 's not how it happened . Unbeknownst to me ( or my mother at the time ) , Carol had no intention of watching me , or her son . She had other things going on in her life that were more important to her than us . At first , it was fun , because I was too young to know better . We would get to Carol 's , and she would stick around just long enough to let us into the apartment and make small talk about our day at school , and then she would either leave the apartment for several hours , or lock herself in her room for several hours . Doing what , I had no idea at the time . Most days , her son and I would entertain ourselves by watching TV . We were big fans of WWE wrestling , and spent hours cheering and jeering at the TV . Other days , we did silly things , like use Carol 's old camcorder to record fake news shows , or music videos . One day , Carol came home earlier than usual , and found her son and I making a stupid music video in the living room . We had switched clothes ( not in the same room ) , and were lip syncing to songs performed by the opposite sex . Her son had even stuffed two baseballs into the bra he was wearing . We were 11 . We were just having fun . She disagreed . I was in the middle of my Backstreet Boys performance , when I looked up to see her standing in the doorway , furious . She started screaming , and slapping her son repeatedly , calling him a pervert , a faggot , etc . I stood there , horrified , as she threw him into his room , slammed the door , and then shut herself in her own room . I sat on the couch , alone , for the remainder of my time there . When my mom came to get me , I ran outside , afraid that Carol would get me in trouble if she came in to get me . I didn 't tell her anything . Things seemed to go back to normal after that , and we never talked about what happened . We also never swapped clothes , or made music videos , again . One day , Carol told us that she had a doctor 's appointment , and asked her son to pee in a cup for her . He argued with her , saying he didn 't have to go , and he didn 't want to do it for her again , so she made me do it . Being only 11 years old , and pretty naive , I thought nothing of it , though I was confused as to why I needed to pee in a cup for HER , when she was the one going to the doctor . But , I did it . And in the coming months , I did it again and again . I didn 't tell my mom that either . One day , I learned that Carol had gotten a boyfriend . He would come over sometimes , or they would leave together , and Carol would give her son a list of chores to do , because she had apparently started caring about the condition of her apartment . As soon as they would leave , however , his list would become mine . You see , the boy I had once called my friend had changed . He never wanted to play or do silly things with me . He didn 't want to talk to me while watching TV , or play with his WWE action figures with me , or even go outside . When he wasn 't ignoring me , he was being mean . Sometimes , out of nowhere , he would call me a mean name , or tell me I was ugly or fat , or wish that I didn 't have to be there . I didn 't understand it , and it sucked . Carol had asked her son to do the dishes one day as she was leaving the apartment . The sink was overflowing with dishes , and he decided that he didn 't want to do them . No sooner had the door closed behind her , he grabbed me by the arm , and told me that I had to do them , or he was going to tell on me . I didn 't know what he was going to tell on me for , but I didn 't want to get in trouble , so I started doing them . Only , I had never done the dishes before . This , mixed with me having a bad attitude over him bossing me around , caused me to unscrew the top of the dish soap , and empty the contents completely into the sink . I then filled one side of the sink with bubbles . I made a huge mess , and never actually did the dishes . When Carol came home and saw the mess , she took it out on him . I won 't go into details , but it was bad . And I saw it all . He tried to tell her that it was my fault , but she didn 't want to hear it . I didn 't speak up . I didn 't want to get in trouble , and honestly , part of me blamed him at the time . If he hadn 't made me do it , and hadn 't been so mean to me , he wouldn 't be getting in trouble , right ? And it only got worse . After several months of staying with Carol after school , I had wised up enough to realize that she wasn 't having me pee in these cups for normal doctor 's appointments . More than once , I had overheard , or seen , something that made it perfectly clear what was actually going on . The people coming and going , her disappearing out of the apartment for hours , or locking herself in her room all night . She did drugs . I later found out that she actually did a lot of them . Her boyfriend had moved in , and was usually stoned , or drunk , or both . He wasn 't a good guy . To any of us . But Carol would put on a smile and sing nothing but praise whenever my mom voiced her concerns . One night , my mom and I were staying over later than usual . It was dark out , and we had all eaten dinner together . I was sitting on the computer in the living room with Carol 's son , playing Sim Coaster , when I saw Carol 's boyfriend out of the corner of my eye . He was coming out of the bedroom , and he was completely naked . My heart raced , and I kept my eyes on the monitor . From behind me , I heard the sound of what was later revealed to be him peeing on the couch , followed by Carol screaming at him at the top of her lungs . She started shoving and hitting him , still screaming . It all happened so fast , and my mom pulled me out of the apartment before the cops showed up . That night , she asked me some questions . Questions about Carol 's boyfriend , and about drugs , etc . She asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell her . She told me that she still could not afford to have anyone else watch me , but that she would take time off work , or change her hours , or take out a loan , until we could figure out somewhere else for me to go . I just smiled and told her everything was fine . Carol and her boyfriend broke up . I kept going back to Carol 's , but the hostility and abuse seemed to increase weekly . Carol only laid her hands on me a few times , never doing enough to leave marks , but the emotional and verbal abuse that both myself and her son faced from her was terrifying . And confusing . I later learned that , because she was always high , Carol 's mind saw and processed things differently . Every situation , every little argument , she would blow up into pure insanity . I still don 't understand it to this day . However , while she didn 't often put her hands on me , her son did . I 'm old enough now to know that , while it was wrong for him to hurt me the ways that he did , he was hurting , too . He was hurting more than me . To escape everything , I would retreat into a book , or go for a walk , anything to get away from the situation . Sometimes , it helped . I even befriended this weird guy who lived on the top floor of her building . He was in his late teens , maybe early twenties , and sometimes would let me come in and watch TV with him . Yeah , no red flags went off at the time , and maybe it was innocent , but thinking back on it now , it was … odd . But I kept quiet the whole time . I kept quiet for over a year . I dealt with the bullying , the name - calling , the hitting , shoving , scratching , blaming , lying . I put up with it all . Because I didn 't want to get in trouble , and I didn 't want to make things harder for my mom . I let her think that my slipping grades , my weight loss , and sudden disinterest in everything were caused by just about anything else . The day had started out normal , as far as normal went in my world . I was sitting on the couch , reading a book , when Carol 's son came into the room , and told me that his mom called , and wanted us to pick up the laundry in the apartment , and bring it down to the laundry room . I don 't know why , but I ignored him . He walked toward me , repeating himself , and I continued to ignore him . He took the book from my hands and tossed it across the room . I stood up to leave , and he shoved me back onto the couch . There was a small , American flag on the coffee table , left over from a parade we had all recently gone to , and he started to hit me with it . The end was pointed , and he jabbed me in the stomach and thigh several times , while I tried to shove him off me . I was taller , but he outweighed me , and I couldn 't get him to budge . Overcome with fear and anger , I reached for his face , and scratched him . Over and over . I grabbed and tore at the skin on his face until he screamed and got off of me . He went to his room and called his mom , shouting into the phone that I had hurt him . I couldn 't move . My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest . He shut himself in his room until his mom got home , minutes later . She immediately tore into me , telling me she was going to kick my ass , and that I could have scratched his eyes out . Luckily , she didn 't touch me , and my mom came to get me shortly after . I guess she had called her . She screamed at my mom , and threatened to call the police , all while my mom stared at me , sobbing on the couch . She didn 't look angry though . She looked sad . In the car , she tried to ask me questions , but I couldn 't answer her . I was shaking and crying , and everything seemed to be hitting me all at once . So we went home . That night , I cut myself . It wasn 't the first time , and it wasn 't the last time . But it was the first time I was caught . After my mom confronted me , I told her everything . Every . Single . Thing . I told her about how Carol would hit her son , and make us take her drug tests for her , since she was getting high every moment of every day . I told her that Carol was never really there , even on the days when she was there . I told her about all the horrible things her son put me through . I told her that he hit me , and that she did , too . I spilled the truth until I couldn 't force my voice out anymore . She cried with me , and apologized for ever making me go there . Shortly after , my mom got me a counselor , who helped me overcome the eating disorder I had developed , and helped me gain control over who I was , and who I wanted to be . And things got better . I never went back to Carol 's , and I never saw her again . Neither did my mom . I don 't know what happened to them , but her son didn 't go to my school anymore after that year . I took the bus home after school , and was finally allowed to stay home by myself . Things worked out . When I was 14 , Carol and her son reared their ugly heads once more in my life , when they confronted my step father while he was out shopping . Carol told him matter - of - factly that her son had heard a rumor in his school that I was a whore . That I was giving blowjobs to random guys , and sleeping around . Neither of which was true . I was still a virgin , and had only recently gotten my first serious boyfriend . My step father knew better than to listen to anything they said , and told them off . However , he was still angry . He and I had never seen eye - to - eye , and he confronted me about it in the most awkward , awful way possible later that night . I denied their claims , but he still felt the need to go to my mom about it . Luckily , she knew me well enough to blow it off . Years later , and these horrible people were still trying to ruin me , but I wouldn 't let them . I felt sorry for them . What a sad way to live . I never heard from them again after that , and I never took shit from anyone after that . Dealing with those people helped me develop a thick skin , and helped me gain more confidence and control over my life , and what happens to me . In a way , I guess I can thank them for showing me the kind of person that I never want to become . I guess the moral of the story is that you are able to take back control of your life . Don 't stay stuck in a bad situation , and don 't let those bad situations define who you are . Whether you think you are too young , or too weak , or too alone to do something . You 're not . Posted on May 2 , 2017May 2 , 2017Categories Life , WritingTags abuse , childhood , control , Daily Prompt , drugs , growing up , personal , prompt , self - harm , self - injury , story , The Daily Post , triggering , writing , writing promptLeave a comment on Control Struggle I have been having a hard time lately . With just about everything . Honestly , I don 't even know where to start . I know I haven 't been blogging much these days , mostly because I can 't . I just can 't bring myself to do it . And who would want to read any of it anyway ? I have had no energy , no motivation , and when I 'm not taking care of my toddler , I 'm lying on the couch , over - thinking , or taking depression naps . What a life . I was recently given the startling news that my father , grandfather , all my grandfather 's siblings , and my great - grandmother all have / had a rare form of muscular dystrophy , called OPMD . It is genetic ( obviously ) , and there is a 50 % chance that I have it . There is also a 50 % chance that my brother and two sisters have it as well . And if I have it , there 's a 50 % chance my son does as well . The night my grandmother told me , completely out of the blue , an hour before bedtime , I was shaken up . Really shaken up . I spent the next several hours on Google , reading up on the condition , trying to wrap my head around what to expect if / when symptoms occur . I didn 't fall asleep until nearly 3 : 00 in the morning . If you want to learn more about the condition , you can click here . I won 't go into details . I 've calmed down since getting the news , after doing my own research ( let 's just say , my grandmother is extremely dramatic , and she made it seem like I 100 % had it , and was in for a life of misery , which is not the case ) . The term " muscular dystrophy " is terrifying , but as far as these types of conditions go , this one isn 't as severe as others . It mainly affects the eyes and facial muscles , but can cause weakness in other parts of the body . Normally , it OPMD doesn 't present symptoms until the 40s to 60s , if at all . My grandfather and father only recently started displaying symptoms . There is no cure or treatment , but with modern science , who knows what will be possible if / when it presents itself in me . Next up , relationship crap . As I 'm sure some of you know , Kyle started a new job a few months back . He leaves for work very early , and is back before dinner . You 'd think this would be great , but it isn 't . He 's always exhausted , and always on edge and cranky . He passes out early every night , and we barely talk anymore . When we do talk , it always seems to turn into an immature fight . I 've been getting swallowed alive by my depression lately , and struggling to keep up with housework and our toddler , and whenever I ask him to help with anything , it turns into a fight . A fight , and then the silent treatment . He gets defensive about everything , and it is wearing me out . I don 't want to bad mouth him . I know he works hard when he is at work , but he puts in zero effort at home . I 'm struggling . I need HELP . But he won 't help me . And I am tired . So , so tired . On top of all of these things that I need to process and over - think about , my normally sweet , little boy , who turned two at the end of January , is fully immersed in his " terrible twos " phase , and on most days , he really wears me out . Emotionally and physically . Once again , it 's just me with him . Always . Just . Me . 24 / 7 . The weather has been bleak and wet , and we have been trapped inside most days of the week , which takes its toll on both of us . He gets worked up , bounces off the walls , gets sassy and cranky … and I 'm so freaking tired , you guys . Always tired . I 've been feeling like an absolute failure in every aspect of my life lately . My relationship , my family , my health , my hobbies . Myself . Everything . The only little glimmers of happiness that I have found have been when Liam chooses to share how much he has learned lately . I have been trying hard to teach him his numbers and letters , whenever he sits still for just a second , which seems to never happen . But then , sometimes , we 'll be driving in the car , or eating lunch , and he will just start counting to 10 , or correctly naming the letters on TV or in his books , or babbling out actual , tiny sentences , and forming coherent thoughts . Those are the moments that make me feel alright . Make me feel like I 'm not a total failure . I recently got this message from someone in Kyle 's family . Someone I have never met , and who has very opposing views to my own . She is very opinionated , and apparently does not approve of stay - at - home moms . At first , I was a little irritated at the tone in her message , because she blatantly stated that she thinks women who stay home to be stay - at - home moms are not " okay " , but then , I realised that it was a compliment . Nobody becomes a parent to get praise from strangers , or from family . And , honestly , I shouldn 't care about what other people think about my life , or my parenting . But , in the moment , I needed this . She doesn 't know anything about my struggles . About my relationship , or my depression , or how my toddler , who I absolutely adore , can drive me to tears with his craziness . She just sees a mother , who works hard to teach her baby boy the things he needs to know . High praise . I have no one I can talk to about any of this crap . No one I can just sit down and bitch with . I 've been dealing with shitty , fake friends lately , and I 've decided to just stop trying to befriend people who will only hurt me in the end . I 'm 27 years old now , I don 't need to deal with that high school bullshit . I don 't need " friends " who stalk my social media , take screen shots of things I say , and pass them around to all their friends , so they can tweet passive aggressively about me , and pass judgment on situations they know nothing about . If that sounded a bit specific , that 's because that 's exactly what I 've been dealing with for the last several months , and I am done with it . So I removed these people from my life , and haven 't looked back . That 's just my luck . It 's hard for me to make friends , and even harder for me to keep them . People just don 't like me . They always have a problem with my negativity , with my anxiety , with my depression , with my opinions , with how I parent . They just have a problem with me . So , I am alone . Always . Fucking . Alone . I don 't have friends . I don 't have anyone I can trust , or confide in . Even worse , are the ones who feel pity on me , so they reach out , and say that they are there for me , that they care , when they really don 't . They don 't care at all . They just think that they can send a few positive messages , fix all my problems , and feel great about themselves . That 's not how it works , folks . You can 't just lure me into a false sense of security , a false sense of friendship , and then decide that it 's not worth the effort . That I 'm not worth the effort . That 's cruel . So fucking cruel . And all day long , all I see are stupid memes and pictures of shit best friends supposedly do , and people just tag each other in them , and talk about all the good times they have , and knowing that I will never have that hurts . That 's it . That 's all I wanted to say . That 's where I 'm at in my life . Alone . Hurting . Struggling . Pathetic . Posted on April 17 , 2017April 17 , 2017Categories LifeTags adulthood , anxiety , depression , fake friends , friends , help , judgment , life , parenting , relationship , stress , struggling , toddler , update10 Comments on Struggle Sorry for the Silence Hello , friends . It 's been quite some time since I 've had the chance to sit down and write a post ( just over two months ) , and a lot has happened . Most of the things that have happened aren 't really worth mentioning , but there are a few things that I 'd like to share with you . Firstly , and most important in my eyes , yesterday was my son 's second birthday . He 's two . I have a two year old . Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have been a mother for two years is just … insane . I was babysitting all day , so we really couldn 't celebrate , and my entire household has been battling the cold from hell for a few weeks , so we were all more than happy to lay low . We had a cookie cake , took some pictures , and enjoyed some family time at the end of the day . Liam had an actual party a little over a week ago , when we went up to visit Kyle 's grandmother , and the whole rest of his family , for the big , annual family Christmas party . We bought Liam a really nice , super delicious cake , and he got to open a massive pile of Christmas AND birthday presents . He 's gotten so many amazing gifts this season , I might have to start doing some more toy reviews . There 's plenty to report on ! Luckily , we got all of our holiday and birthday shopping done early this year , because as you all know , whenever things are going too well for us , something goes wrong . Now , I went off on Facebook and Twitter recently , ranting about the medical lab where Kyle had his blood tests done last year when he was starting his new job . He had to be screened for diabetes , which we then discovered he had . Well , what I may not have mentioned , is that the clinic ordered a number of other tests , which we did not ask for , and in the end , we were charged roughly $ 1 , 000 from the lab , and nearly $ 500 from the clinic . For BLOOD TESTS . Gotta love America … So , since Kyle is unable to afford insurance through his employer ( oh , he no longer works two jobs , just the one driving now ) , and doesn 't qualify for state aid , it all had to come out of pocket . His mom agreed to help us with the clinic bill , since she was supposed to put Kyle back on her insurance and forgot about it , but the rest was on us . We were making the minimum payments for a while , but since Kyle 's job pays pretty well , he decided to pay half of it all at once on the site . Well , he screwed up and accidentally hit " Pay In Full " , and over $ 800 was taken from our bank account … and we didn 't have that much in there . We got slammed with an overdraft , and a fee to go with it . Of course , he didn 't tell me this was his mistake until after I went off online , blaming the company , but when we reached out to see if we could maybe get half of the money back , they wouldn 't work with us . Not even a little . Luckily , I got paid enough the next day to pull our account back from the negatives , but we 've been riding on $ 32 in the bank for over a week . Thank goodness for Christmas cash and gas card gifts . Tomorrow , Kyle gets paid , and then I get a few dollars on Friday from babysitting , and we will be all set again . But it sure threw us for a loop . It 's been rough . I had to put my Twitter as protected , because I found out that someone has been stalking my tweets , taking screenshots , and sending them to people who don 't follow me there , which has caused me some drama . Ridiculous , high school drama . I have a good feeling I know who it might be … though I 'd like to think it isn 't one of my friends who follows me . I don 't trust anyone anymore . I feel empty . More alone than ever . I feel like there 's been too much to deal with , but I haven 't been letting myself deal with any of it , because there was always something that needed to be done . Something more important than me , and my feelings . I didn 't let myself feel , or deal , or vent . Blah . Posted on January 24 , 2017January 24 , 2017Categories LifeTags babysitting , birthday , Christmas , drama , emotional , family , holidays , life , money , politics , sad , stress , toddler , twitter , update6 Comments on Sorry for the Silence To Gym , Or Not to Gym ? Recently , I stepped on the scale , and was actually appalled at the number that stared back at me . Continue reading To Gym , Or Not to Gym ? Posted on November 8 , 2016November 8 , 2016Categories Life , WritingTags advice , Daily Prompt , depressed , diet , exercise , gym , life , membership , money , overweight , Planet Fitness , stress , struggle , The Daily Post , weight1 Comment on To Gym , Or Not to Gym ? The Jeep | Vlog Hi , friends ! I have an update for you . At long last … Continue reading The Jeep | Vlog Posted on October 26 , 2016Categories LifeTags adult , babysitting , excited , family , Jeep , Jeep Patriot , kids , life , money , new car , stress , update , used car , video blog , vlogLeave a comment on The Jeep | Vlog Drama Llama | Vlog Hi , friends . At the time that this was recorded ( last night ) , the previous 24 hours had been a hot mess . Continue reading Drama Llama | Vlog |
Disclaimer : This is a work of fiction and that of love . Any resemblance to actual places , events , or persons , living or dead , is purely coincidental . This story may contain erotic and / or sexually explicit behavior between consenting teens . If it is illegal for you to , or you find this sort of work offensive , don 't download or read it ! The people in this story do not use protection because diseases don 't exist here . However , in our world they do so please use caution and protection . It was getting close to Christmas time again and as usual , I was getting depressed . Ever since my boyfriend passed away a couple years ago around this time , I sank down into the dumps . Well , Ben decided to take me on a vacation to try and lift my spirits . He decided on Belize . We 'd been there a couple years earlier and we really fell in love with the country , especially a little town called San Ignacio . I guess I should introduce myself . My name is Mike Palmer and my roomie is Ben Parker . We 'd been rooming together ever since I 'd returned from Sweden a number of years ago . We left Miami 3 days before Christmas and the short flight into Belize City was uneventful . He rented a small 4x4 because the roads out of the city were not the best . It took us about 2 hours to drive to San Ignacio and when we went though town , I started feeling better . We arrived at the resort and the desk clerk was as hot was I remember . Ben booked as a cabaña and it just happened to be the same one we were in when we were here the first time . After going to our room and unpacking , we took a drive into town . We took a lazy stroll around and soon some of the street kids were looking for little handouts . There was even this one boy who offered to shine our shoes . What made this funny was we were wearing tennis shoes . He brushed the dust off them and I gave him 2 dollars for his work . When I handed him the money it was if I 'd given him a twenty . He had a smile on his face that went from ear to ear and could have lit up the town . Now , you need to know something about Belize and its currency . Belize is the old British Honduras but they are now somewhat Americanized as they drive on the right hand side of the road . The Belize currency is even based somewhat on the British pound . Their money looks like that of England . 1 Belize dollar is equal to 50 cents American . They have a 1 and 2 dollar coin with Queen Elizabeth on the front . Their paper money is the same size as the British Currency and comes in 5 , 10 , 20 and 50 dollar denominations . We continued walking around town and soon we were getting hungry . We found a local restaurant and got a burger , fries and limeade to drink . It was a local drink that brought back memories of when we were kids . It was both tart and sweet and really quenched your thirst . Every time a group of boys walked past , my eyes immediately started following . " Mike if you 're not careful you 'll get a case of whiplash and have to spend the rest of the trip in a collar . " I noticed a couple of boys sitting across the street trying to pan handle so I caught the waitress ' attention and ordered two large cheese burgers , two large orders of fries and two limeades to go . I paid for the food and then went over across the street . " Here you go guys . It looks like you both could use something to eat . " " Gee thanks Mister , " the older looking boy said then dropped his head to the street . I sat down beside them wondering what was wrong . " Here , this is for you and your friend . No strings attached . " The little one suddenly got scared when the older boy made that comment . " No son , it 's not like that at all . When I said no strings attached , I meant it . " I saw the little one relax a little but not his friend . The older one ate his food then looked at me , as if to size me up . " OK then , prove it . " I wasn 't sure what he meant by that so I took a shot . " Very well then how about this ? This isn 't our first time here to Belize but there is still a lot of this area we haven 't seen . How about we hire you two to show us around , like tour guides ? I 'll pay you each 10 dollars American plus buy you both lunch . How does that sound ? " " Call it good faith funds son , " I said as the little one scooted close to me . " We 're both kinda tired after the trip so we 're not really going to do much sight seeing today . You can show us around a little though . " As he pushed the money into his shorts , they came down enough to show that he wasn 't wearing any underwear . I made a mental note of that and to pick them each up some the first chance I got . Just then , Ben walked over . " Mike , I 'm tired and it 's past nappy time for me . Why don 't you take me back to the room and you can come back and walk around . " Just then , it hit me where I 'd seen these two boys before . " I remember you boys but I doubt you remember me . The last time we were here , we were strolling around and I saw you two sitting under your house . You made the motion for me to take your picture and I did . " Ben helped me up then another thing hit me . I didn 't even know their names . The boys stood up and put their trash in a can nearby . " What are your names boys ? " Drew glared at his brother and I just ruffled his hair . " Relax guys , I 'm Mike and this is Ben . Would you like to come with me while I take him back to where we 're staying ? " Drew shook it then we headed back to where we parked the Sidekick . Ben and I dropped the soft top then the boys climbed into the back seat . We took off and as we passed some other boys , I saw several of them look at Drew and Benjy . I stored that in the back of my mind and would ask them about it later . " Hang on boys , this road gets really bumpy . " Ben saw a deep rut in the road and came to a stop . " Put your seat belt on guys . I don 't want either of you getting tossed out and getting hurt . " After some moans and groans , the boys relented and put their seat belts on . We finished the climb and Benjy was still all smiles . " Come on boys , you can come with us . " " Uh no thanks mister , " Drew said not getting out . " Hey Drew , " I asked coming over to his side of the vehicle . " What 's with the mister stuff ? You can call me Mike . " Benjy undid his seatbelt and climbed onto the seat then sat on the spare tire . " Mike , some guys brought us here before . He hurt Drew then he lied to the manager . The manager hit us and said we could never come back here . " Benjy 's head was nodding up and down like a yo - yo . " Uh huh , right near where we you saw us . That guy that hurt Drew said we hit on them in here but they brought us here . " Drew showed the first sign of relaxing as he hopped down and took my hand . We walked up the steps and past the front desk . " Excuse me sir , might I have a word with you please ? " He looked right at the boys and glared . " Those two aren 't allowed in here . They 're street scum who hustled two of my guests here . " I turned and went back to the boys then we went to our cabaña . Benjy eyed the pool as we walked past and soon we were at our room . As Ben was getting the key out I saw Benjy holding himself and squirming . As soon as we got inside , I went to the bathroom with a little boy hot on my heels and turned on the light . Benjy didn 't stand on ceremony as he yanked his shorts down and quickly relieved himself . I giggled as I heard his sigh . " Feel better little one ? " He pulled his shorts up and ran over to me . " Man , I 've had to do that for the last 5 minutes . I didn 't think I was gonna make it . " Drew was the next one to pee but I closed the door and gave him his privacy . He came out and gave Ben and I each a hug . " Thanks guys . That jerk tried to hurt us pretty bad then he lied to the manager . " We went outside and right away , Benjy took my hand . The next thing I felt was a hand slip into my other one . I looked down and Drew was holding my hand . " Are you OK kiddo ? " He looked down for a moment then quickly looked up at me . " I 'm fine Mike . For the first time my brother and I have met someone who isn 't after our dicks or our butts . " As we got close to the front desk , I felt their grips get tighter on my hands . We came into the lobby and there stood the guy Ben kneed in the balls standing by the front desk with his luggage . The man was yelling at the top of his lungs to the manager . " Why the hell am I being asked to leave ? I didn 't do a thing . In fact I was assaulted . " I stopped in the doorway and listened to the man rant . " Sir , you have a choice . Leave here and the country or I 'll call the police . We have very strict laws here regarding child abuse . You could very easily spend the rest of your life in prison . " " For what , " the man shouted . " Getting a piece of dick from that street s * * t ? If he hadn 't of got away , I 'd have had his a * * . " The manager looked over at us and hung his head and mouthed the words " I 'm sorry " towards the boys . He then looked at the man and smiled and picked the phone up . I couldn 't hear who he was talking to because the loud mouth was still ranting . He was on the phone several minutes then smiled as he hung it up . " Oh sir you should know that I 've called the police . They are on their way here to arrest you . " The manager laughed loudly when he heard that . " You didn 't ? That 's not what I just heard . I heard you just admit to abusing those two boys and attempting to rape one of them . " The manager shook his head . " I don 't think so . That man there heard you , the boys did likewise plus I 'm sure they would testify to what you did to them . " Just then two police officers walked in . The manager pointed to the loud mouth and quickly he was in silver bracelets . The manager then came out and handed the officers a video tape . " Oh they 'd believe the boys sir . But they will also believe that video tape of everything you 've said here . I have a closed circuit video surveillance system and you sure looked good ranting . " I was glad he had that tape because I didn 't want the boys to have to go through a court trial . The officers led him off and for once , he wasn 't shooting off his mouth . The manager came over and knelt down in front of the boys . " How can I ever make that up to you ? I 'm so sorry I didn 't believe you . Can you ever forgive me ? " The manager patted each boy on the back then we headed for the parking lot . We drove back into town and I saw a little store . I parked the Sidekick then we went inside . " I have a question for you boys . Do your parents like the fact you 're out here all the time ? " Benjy stopped , let go of my hand and ran outside . Drew glared at me then took off after him . Realizing I just made a fool out of myself , I took off hoping to find them . I looked up and down the street then saw Drew hop a short wall . I ran up to where I saw him but didn 't see anything . I stood there looking then I heard a little boy crying . I eased up to the wall and looked over it and saw Drew holding a crying Benjy . I hopped over the wall and looked at my little one . " Oh Benjy , I 'm sorry . As soon as I said it I knew the mistake I made . " " Yeah that 's where we live , " Drew said again . " There aren 't enough house people to watch all of us so some of us older kids look out for the little ones . We get money for food but I don 't know how to cook that well . " Drew looked annoyed when I asked that question . " Mike , people have tried that and I can cook . But cooking dinners is hard . I have homework to do and Benjy to care for . I just can 't do everything . " I decided to try acting like an adult and take charge . I hoped it wasn 't going to backfire on me but , then again , it couldn 't be any worse than what just happened . I turned the boys around and looked at them both . " OK , now here 's what we 're going to do . I 'll get you two each a bathing suit then you can take that to your house and get a shower because you 're both filthy . After that , you 'll come back with me and you can swim for a little while . Then we 'll get dinner and I 'll have you back home before bed time . I 'll even tuck you in so I know you 're safe . " I think Benjy liked the idea of being tucked in . I could see Drew mulling over my words . He got a little devil look in his eyes . " What would happen if we got up after you left ? " We got up and went into the store . We looked around and found a small selection of swimming wear . Drew found a pair of trunks that looked more like underwear and held them up against his body . " What do you think Mike ? " I knew they were designed to be tight but I wasn 't sure if they would fit or not . I reached out and pulled the back of his shorts out so I could see if there was a size label on them . The label said 8 then I looked at the trunks . They were the same size so I thought they should fit . I looked at Benjy 's and he was wearing a 5 . I found him a pair that he liked so it was on to the checkout . I paid for the trunks then walked over to the house they were staying at . It was a small house on the outside but inside was spacious . There were 3 bedrooms , a bathroom , living room and kitchen . The kitchen had an eating area and could hold a small family . Benjy took his trunks and headed for what I guessed was his bedroom . Then next thing I saw was a naked little boy running towards me . I knelt down and he held his arms out for me . " Can you help me in the bath ? " I didn 't want to intrude on Drew 's privacy so I looked at him to see what he had to say . " Alright Benjy , maybe Mike will help me rinse my hair . I can never get all the soap out of it . " Benjy took off and I followed the jiggling butt . I saw him enter a room then Drew and I entered . I looked at the tub and it was an old cast iron one that looked like it was at least 50 years old . The fixtures had been updated and a shower had been added also . I got the water temperature set and put the stopper in the drain so the tub could fill . I turned around and now I had two naked boys . " Drew , are you OK with me seeing you naked son ? " He walked over and melted into my arms . He looked up at me and I could see for the first time , total trust . " Mike , you and Ben care about us and that 's something no one has ever done . Yeah the state lady comes here and checks on us but it 's more like her job . Homes are starting to get parents so maybe we 'll get one soon . " I got up off the toilet so the boys could use it then I helped Benjy in . Drew stood there like he was waiting for something so I lifted him in too . " Duck your heads under the water then I 'll shampoo them . " I got the shampoo and did Drew 's first . His hair was long and thick and I could see why he had a hard time rinsing it properly . I noticed the shower head came off so I turned the water on and then pulled the lever and soon the shower was running . I rinsed the soap out then washed it once more . I couldn 't believe what I was seeing . His dark brown hair was shining . Next I did Benjy 's and after two washings , his was like Drew 's . The boys got washed and after their chest and legs were done , they were ready to get out . " Hold it guys , there 's more left to wash . " I guess with no parents to guide them , they only did the necessities . " Well , you have your face , neck and ears . Then you have your back and feet . Last but not least you have your bottoms and your dicks . " Benjy looked at me curiously . " I tried that but I got soap in my eyes . " For a 9 year old that can be a little daunting without proper guidance . I sat him back in the tub and lathered my hands . " Close your eyes tight Benjy . " Drew did the same thing as Benjy and now it was on to their backs . " Drew , stand up . Benjy put some soap on your hands and wash Drew 's back . Drew when Benjy is done , you do the same thing and wash his back . " I watched and they laughed and giggled as they washed each other . After rinsing , they were ready for the next thing . " OK , now for your feet . Stand up and put your foot here . Wash each foot and in between your toes . When that one is done , you do the other . " I knew getting them to wash their butts might be difficult . " Boys , now you need to wash your bottoms . I know people have tried to do things to you back there but you need to keep it clean . Do you think you can do it ? " Drew shook his head no and started doing his butt . Benjy soaped his hand and copied his brother . They sat in the water and rinsed off and then were standing in front of me for their next lesson . " Drew , can you slide the skin back on it ? " He reached down and gently started retracting the foreskin . I saw him wince but he got it done . " OK , lather your hands and wash it then pull the foreskin back . When you rinse it , pull the skin back again and make sure all the soap is off . " He nodded his head so I gently lifted it and started to slide it back . I got it about half way back and I felt resistance . I applied a little pressure and it slid a little more but I heard Benjy wince . I knew it would go back but it was going to sting some . " Drew , I 'm going to have to slide Benjy 's foreskin back but I don 't think it 's ever been done before and it 's gonna sting a little . Can you hold him ? Benjy , I don 't wanna have to do this but it 's important . It 's gonna sting some but once this is done and clean , you 'll be able to keep it clean so this doesn 't happen again . Are you ok with it ? " I took his p * * * * in my hand and slid the foreskin up and back as far as it would go . Then I decided it was time so I slid it back and finished pulling it back over the head all the way . " Owie Mike , it stings . " Drew was holding him and I washed his p * * * * removing the smegma that had built up . I rinsed it off then let the skin come back naturally . I washed it once more then slid the skin back and forth and it moved freely . I looked at him and wiped the tears off his face . I put my arms out and he fell into them . " I 'm sorry baby . I hated hurting you but now it 's all better . Promise me you 'll wash it every time you take a bath . " I got my next surprise of the day . Benjy kissed me on the cheek then on my nose . " I 'll do it every time Mike . " I set him down and wrapped a towel around him . I picked Drew up and set him down then got him a towel . While they were drying off , I let the water out of the tub and man , what a ring around the tub . I turned to say something to the boys and I was alone . I knew they couldn 't have dried themselves off completely that fast . " Drew , Benjy get back in here . " They came walking in giggling and I could still see water on their bodies . " The purpose of the towel is to dry your body . Drew , dry your brother 's back then Benjy , you do Drew 's . Get your legs and in between them . It 's hard to put swimming trunks on when your butt and legs are wet . " They started drying themselves again while I cleaned the bath tub . When I was finished , they were no where to be found . The boys were sitting out in the living room snuggled together . " Why are you still naked ? " I walked over and sat beside them . The boys form fitted themselves against my body then Drew looked at me . " After dinner , we take a bath . We just stay naked until it 's time for bed . We have the doors locked and no one can see us . " I thought about it for a moment and it wasn 't a bad idea . I looked at my watch and I was pretty sure Ben would be awake from nappy time . " OK guys , go get a clean pair of shorts on and grab your swimming trunks . I want you also to bring a shirt in case it cools off tonight . " I saw some tennis shoes in their room and had them put those on instead of the sandals they were wearing before . When we arrived back at the resort , Ben was awake and watching television . Benjy made a beeline for him and jumped on the bed . " Hi Ben , did you miss us ? " Ben had grandchildren so that statement made perfect sense to him . The next thing I knew , there were two naked boys jumping up and down . I handed them their trunks and they put them on and we were being pulled out the door . " Come on , Mike said we could go swimming . " Ben turned off the television and we headed towards the pool . I saw the manager looking at us then nodded his head . When the boys were playing in the pool he came over to us . " I 'm so sorry I spoke about them that way . I 'm really ashamed of myself . I see that they are really good boys . " The manager swallowed hard then went back to his work . We let the boys swim for an hour or so and I could feel it starting to cool off . I was glad I had them bring shirts because they were going to need them . We got them out of the pool and back to the room where I had them take a quick shower to rinse the chlorine off . Ben and I were chatting when I heard Benjy call me . I smiled at him then held out towels . They got dried off then put their shorts and tee shirts on . It was after 7 already yet it seemed that only a couple of hours had passed . We went to the hotel 's restaurant and had a nice meal . When dinner was finished , it was almost 8 : 30 and the boys would need to get home soon . Ben decided to stay at the room and relax so I took the boys home by myself . When we arrived , the boys did their usual and got comfortable . I sat on the couch and quickly the boys got comfy . " Did you have a good time today ? " Drew was a little more somber . " I had a great time Mike . I know this is only for a short while but I did enjoy myself . Do you have children ? " We sat and talked until it was their bedtime . I saw how the front door locked so I knew once the boys were in bed , I could see to it the door was locked . The boys went to the bathroom then they scampered into their bed . I tucked them in and gave each a kiss in the cheek . " Good night boys . I had a great time also . Get a good night 's sleep and I 'll see you tomorrow . " I turned the bedroom light off then turned the light off in the living room . I looked back down the hall and I saw a small light come on . I guess they need some little sense of security . I went out and made sure the door was securely closed then drove back to the resort . When I returned I saw Ben lying on the bed engrossed in a movie . I got undressed and stretched out beside him . " You had a good time today , didn 't you ? " He turned over and looked at me . " Don 't be sorry Mike . Today was the first time in a long time I 'd seen you out of your shell . You were the old Mike that I first met . You took it really hard when Rainer died and I was really worried about you when you couldn 't even get over there for his funeral . " I tried not to think about that because it would send me back into the doldrums ' . " I still miss him Ben . We were together only 6 months but it was as if I 'd known him all my life . He was the only person I can honestly say I was totally and completely head over heels in love with . " I started crying and acting like a little boy . " I know you were Mike . I saw it every time you talked about him or were online with him . That 's why today it was good to see you happy again . Now , what 's going to happen when we leave ? " Suddenly I got a thought and it was like a light bulb was shining over top of my head . " Oh no Mike , there is no way we can adopt them . International adoptions are hard even in the best of circumstances but here we are ; 2 single gay men . " He was right and I knew it . I tried keeping a safe distance from the boys so my heart wouldn 't get broke but damn it to hell , I was starting to really care for these two . " I know Ben and to top it off I 'm starting to really love them . I guess I 'm just one of those guys who 's destined to be alone and lonely . " He wrapped his arms around me as I started crying again . I don 't know how long I cried but the next thing I remember was the sun was shining through the window . " Morning babe , here 's some coffee for you . " I took a swig then looked at the clock . It was almost 9 and I was wondering about the boys . I quickly finished the coffee and emptied my bladder . " Damn , why 'd you let me sleep so long ? " Ben started laughing at my antics . " Calm down Mike . I 've already had my coffee . Now let 's go and find Drew and Benjy before you have a heart attack . " We headed for the Sidekick and I drove because I remembered where the house was . As we pulled up , I saw a lady standing at the front door . Drew was there talking with her then she went inside . I suddenly got worried and started wondering what this was all about . At first I was going to drive off and come back later but decided to throw caution to the wind . I found a place to park then we went up to the door . I knocked and Benjy opened it . Suddenly I had an arm full of little boy . " Mike , I was wondering when you 'd be here . " I felt a warm wet kiss on my cheek and then noticed the lady looking curiously at me . We walked inside and I stuck my hand out to her . " Hi , I 'm Mike Parker and this is my friend Ben Palmer . " She shook my hand and smiled . " I 'm Beth Mayfield . I 'm the city Social Worker . Drew here told me what you two did for them yesterday . I 'm glad the man will be punished for what he did . " I nodded my head and set Benjy down on his feet . I sent the boys into the kitchen to get themselves breakfast while Beth , Ben and I talked . " I 'm glad too Beth . I knew the boys would testify but I really didn 't want them put through a trial . " Beth nodded her head in agreement . " I agree Mike . Drew told me you helped them yesterday and they had a really enjoyable time . Were you able to determine if the boys had been injured physically ? " I sucked a little wind at her statement . " No I haven 't . I did help them with their bath but I never looked at their bottoms . I didn 't want them thinking I was like the others . " It was then I realized there were little ears in the room . " Mike , I don 't think of you like that now . If you needed to see us back there , why didn 't you just ask ? " We all started laughing at Benjy 's antics . I decided to take a look at them while she was here and if they had been injured , she could get them medical care . " Come on boys , I 'd like to take a look at your bottoms . " We walked down to their room and they both shucked their shorts and hopped up on the bed . I took a look at Drew first . When I spread his cheeks , I saw his rectum still nice and pink . I then looked at Benjy and I could tell right away someone had tried to penetrate him but the damage was very minimal . There was a small healed cut that appeared to have been caused by a fingernail . Other than that he was fine . " OK boys , you can get dressed now . " I knew this wasn 't the time but I was going to have to have a little talk with the boys . Benjy hung his head like a scolded puppy . " It 's OK little one . It 's going to do that from time to time and it 's nothing to be ashamed of . " Benjy grabbed his shorts then stuck his tongue out at his brother . We returned to the living room and I told Beth the boys were , for all intents and purposes , fine . She nodded her head and said she 'd check on the boys later this afternoon or tomorrow . Drew told her that they would be spending the day again with us and she didn 't seem to have a problem with it . After she left , Benjy jumped into my arms . " I love you Mike . I wish you didn 't have to leave . " Out of the mouths of babes came the three words I 'd been dreading to hear but I couldn 't deny my feelings towards them any longer . I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him close to me . " I love you too Benjy . " He looked up at me with a beaming smile on his face . " I 've never said this to any man Mike but I do love you . I too wish you didn 't have to leave . " We all left and started walking around the town . We found a place that rented horses and I got a great idea . " Hey guys , how would you like to go horse back riding ? " Benjy got nervous when I asked them that question . " Mike , I 've never been on a horse before . They 're big and I 'm scared . " Ben and I rented horses and took the boys on an enjoyable ride . After several minutes , Benjy had the reigns in his hands and I was just along for the ride . After turning the horses in , we all got some lunch then Ben spotted a place where you could go diving . The boys weren 't certified divers and neither was I so we decided to go snorkeling . We swam and played to together for about an hour then went for a little stroll so our shorts could dry our . The day was quickly passing and my love for these two was growing stronger with each passing minute . We were walking down the street when suddenly the boys took off . Ben and I noticed a couple boys playing as they ran over to them . After a few minutes , the four of them walked back to us and Drew was quite animated . " These are two very good friends of ours . " The taller one had quite dark skin . It was a dark olive complexion and his hair was a jet black that shined more than Drew 's . His eyes looked like two onyxes . The other boy was just the opposite . His skin was a fair white , like a sheet . His hair was a golden blonde and his eyes were like pools of crystal clear water . " Mike , Ben , this is Mohammad . He likes to be called Mo . " I reached my hand out and he gave it a firm shake and then he smiled at me . His teeth had to be the whitest of anyone I 'd ever seen . I thought Drew and Benjy had electric smiles but Mo had them both beat hands down . It 's nice to meet you Mo . And who is this other young man ? " Mo looked at us and it appeared he was trying to size me up . " Ben , Drew says you 're not like the other men around here . He says you 're someone who will help boys like us . " Ben could see his eyes starting to get wet . He wrapped his arms around Drew and drew him close . " I will do anything I can to help . " The tears were rolling down his face now . I saw a little store across the street . " Boys , just wait here with Ben a minute and I 'll be right back . Then we can go over to Drew and Benjy 's place where we can all sit and talk . " I went into the little store and bought several bottles of soda then we took the boys home . After fixing them each something to drink we sat on the couch and Mo started to tell me what was on his mind . " Mike , I don 't like where we live now . There is a man who knows we live there alone and he has tried to get in . " " No have phone , " Sasha said in a think Russian accent as he scooted close to Ben . " No have woman for Social Worker either . Man gives Sasha the creeps . " I looked at the boys and had to ask a serious question . I just hoped this wouldn 't scare them away from me . " Boys , I need to ask you a question but please , we will not judge you or think badly of you . " Sasha shook his head no but Mo started crying again . I comforted Mo until he could talk . " No , I 've never had sex with a man , if that is what you mean but my parents tossed me out when my father caught me playing with another boy . My mother slapped me hard across the face and my father said I am a disgrace to the family . We were here visiting the country . They tore up my plane ticket , burned my passport and left for home without me . " Mo started crying again and it took a few minutes before he could speak . " I 've let men take photographs of me . They say I have a big dick . Sasha and I have even been photographed together . I don 't let a man touch us . " I nodded my head . " Yes , we 'll help you guys . First thing , I want you to stay here with Drew and Benjy . Is that alright with you guys Drew ? " Drew and Benjy both nodded their heads in agreement . " The next thing we 're going to do is get you some clothes here so you don 't have to go back there . Tomorrow , if Miss Beth comes here , we can talk with her and get you moved here permanently . " I managed to get Mo calmed down then we went out and tried to have a little fun . The first thing on the agenda was drive over to Mo and Sasha 's place and get them some clothes . I found some bags and got some shorts , tee shirts and undies bagged up for them both . We were about to get back into the Sidekick when a man came up . " Just where are you taking these boys ? " Now even this guy gave me with willies . " They 're going to spend the night with Drew and Benjy . Haven 't you ever heard of a sleep over ? " Drew ran over to Beth and started getting animated . " Mo and Sasha want to have a sleep over and I know it 's OK . This guy says Mo and Sasha can 't do anything without his OK first . " The man recognized Beth and he started trying to cover his a * * . " That 's not what I said . It just so happens I have prospective parents wanting to meet the boys . That 's why I was here . " Beth got a cynical look on her face . " This is not the first time you 've done this Jack . The last time , the 3 boys you took weren 't home for several days . I have no record of this so I want to know who these parents are . " Jack looked worried . " Um they 're coming into Belize City . That 's where their plane is landing . I 'm taking the boys to meet them . " Beth started shaking her head . " You know full well that 's against our policies . Children are not to be taken out of the city . Boys , has this happened before ? " The man was furious . He took a lunge at Beth but Sasha was faster . The little guy swung with all his might and nailed the man right in the balls . I noticed a police car coming up the street so I waved them over . Beth told the police what had happened and the police took control of Jack until things could get sorted . Sasha saw Jacks briefcase and started going through it . Jack 's eyes got big then he shouted , " Hey kid , that 's private property . " Jack started wiggling trying to break free . I walked over beside Beth and watched as she undid the clasp and remove the contents . At first , all I saw were some photos of the boys in their underwear . The next photo I saw was Mo and Sasha naked . As Beth flipped through the photos , they started getting worse . In one photo , it showed Jack openly playing with Mo and Sasha 's p * * * * . Beth put the photos back in the envelope then handed it to the police officer . What she did next made me glad I wasn 't in his place . She drew back and swung with an open hand slapping him in the face . " How could you abuse the boys you 're charged to protect . " The officers took the envelope then stuck Jack in the back of the car . I went over and knelt down wrapping my arms around Mo while Ben held Sasha . We held them for a few moments then I got angry . I went over to the police car and yanked open the back door . " Just what the f * * k got into you ? How could you ? " At first he thought I was gonna let him have it like Beth did and the thought had crossed my mind . " How could I ? Oh come on mister . Those boys loved it . Did you see the erections on them ? " I damn near hit him when I heard that . " Any boy will get an erection if their p * * * * is stimulated . I hope you enjoy your time in prison . " I slammed the door and went back to the boys . I looked around and they weren 't there . I saw Beth 's car still parked where she left it . I looked at the house then spotted Benjy 's little head . The officer 's left with Jack then I went inside the house . I saw Sasha and Mo and immediately started crying . Mo came up and hugged me tightly . " Why are you crying Mike ? " Mo kissed my cheek and wiped my face with his thumbs . " Mike , I did like being touched . Not by him but when Sasha did it . I like boys , not girls . " I kissed him then looked Mo in the eyes . " Mo , just because you like boys , doesn 't give adults the right to do things to you or to make another boy touch you . You 're only 11 and getting your p * * * * touched by someone does feel good . Weather you 'll like that later on , no one knows . If you do , that 's fine and if you don 't , that 's fine also . " I nodded my head and all four boys let out cheers . God , two more taking hold onto my heart . I didn 't know how leaving here would be possible . Beth came over and whispered to me . " Would you and Ben mind staying there tonight ? I have a feeling Mo and Sasha might have some problems and they 're going to need someone there . " " Not a problem Beth . We 'll stay there tonight . Beth leaned in and gave us a big hug . " Thanks guys , you 're really a God send for these boys . I know tomorrow is Christmas Eve but I 'll stop in and check in on you all in the morning . " " Are you staying with us ? " Mo asked with hopeful eyes . I nodded my head then headed towards the door . " Come on guys , we have things to do . We have to get clothes sorted and put away . Ben and I looked at each other . The first thing we did was get Drew and Benjy to help Mo and Sasha put their clothes away . While the boys were doing that , Ben looked at me . " I saw a used electronics place nearby . " I smiled and wondered how we 'd keep the boys from going ballistic when they knew what we were going to do . The four came running out and I ended up with Sasha in my arms . " What are we going to do now ? " We headed over to the resort where Ben and I packed our clothes and talked to the manager . After Ben explained everything , the manager graciously gave him a refund on the room . We next took the boys to the restaurant and had a huge dinner . After that , it was time to go shopping . Ben parked a couple blocks from the store so the boys wouldn 't figure out where we were going . As we got closer , Drew started getting excited . " Mike , Ben , are we going in there ? " I took Drew by the hand but we couldn 't corral the others in time as they bolted towards the store . I let Ben and his ex - Navy voice handle the round - up . " Hold it right there . " The boys hit the brakes and turned to look at us . We walked up and I took Mo 's hand . " Listen guys , it 's going to be a zoo in there and we have an idea of what we want . " Drew looked up at me and then over to Ben . " There is this great computer that I look at all the time when I come in . It 's got a pretty good price on it . " Ben and I looked at each other so I let Drew lead the way to the computer . Ben , Sasha and Benjy went and looked for a TV and a DVD / VCR combination . The computer was about a year old but it seemed to be near the top of the line at the time and the price on it was 500 Belize . A salesman came over and after a few minutes of haggling , he agreed to take 400 Belize . I took the sales slip to the front and Ben was heading towards me . He handed me his slip and after paying just under 1 , 000 Belize we took our bounty home . We got the electronics into the house and it was almost 8 already . I looked at the boys and tried the fatherly approach . " Drew and Benjy ; go and get your bath . Mo , you and Sasha will go next . Ben and I will get the TV and DVD player set up and then we 'll see what 's on TV . " Ben and I set the TV on a cart and rolled it by the cable outlet . The boys were still standing there watching us work . " Mike , can you help us like you did last night ? " The boys ran to the bathroom then I coached four boys in the art of bath time . Sasha and Mo didn 't need much help but I noticed when it came to his crotch , Mo acted like Drew and skipped his p * * * * . " Mo , don 't forget your p * * * * son . Slide the skin back and wash it . " He looked at me like he hadn 't heard what I said . " Really Mike ? My father said doing that was wrong and I wasn 't to do that . " I looked at him then Drew came over beside him . " Mo , if you don 't , the stuff trapped under your foreskin will cause an infection and then you 'd need to have the extra skin removed . You 'd look like Sasha after the operation . " I shook my head no . " Why would I get mad at something that happens naturally ? No one will get mad at you if you get a stiffy . " Mo slowly retracted the skin and I got a whiff of the odor . I watched as he washed it and saw that the shaft was a little red . " Does it hurt to pee son ? " I felt better about that . I would keep an eye on Mo and hope the redness would clear up on its own . The boys got dried then scurried into the living room . Ben had the TV going then had a lapful of Sasha . The little guy got comfy and had a huge grin on his face . " Hey Ben , you look good like that . " I rolled when he said that . We watched some Christmas cartoon specials and as the last one was going off , the boys were asleep . We got the boys in bed , tucked and kissed . Drew and Benjy were the last 2 I did and as I was closing the door , I heard Drew say , " I love you Mike " Ben and I got the house secured then we went to bed . The next morning , Ben was up first then I had an attack of the killer Benjy and Sasha . " Ok boys , I 'm awake . Miss Beth said she would be here so you guys need to get some shorts on . " They scooted to their room and I hurried to the bathroom . I was having my coffee then there was a knock on the door . There was Beth smiling . God I hated her , I 'm not a morning person . " How did you manage the 4 of them ? " Ben was putting breakfast on the table for the boys then he came in and joined Beth and me . " Guys , I need to ask you both a question . Just answer yes or no . " I looked at Ben and we both shrugged our shoulders . " OK Beth , what do you have to say ? " She pulled her thoughts together then it came . " Mike , I 've never seen someone get to these two like you have . Drew never trusted anyone because he was always looking out for Benjy but you won him over . When he said " yes sir " to you ; that told me he respected you . I 'm here to ask if you two would consider being house parents for these boys . After the first of the year , two more boys will need supervision . We just don 't have enough good people . You 'll receive a stipend of $ 5 , 000 a month to run the house and buy food and clothes for the boys . Electricity , phone , cable and internet will be provided . I see you have a TV for them and I 'm sure they love that . " I couldn 't believe this . It was a dream come true for me and I know the boys would be ecstatic . I looked at Ben and I could tell he already knew my answer . I hoped his love for the country would get him to say yes too . I knew he would have things back home to take care of but we could work that out later . I saw Ben nod his head and I gave him an ' are you sure ' look and he nodded his head again . " Alright Beth , we 're in . You handle the details but let us tell the boys . " Beth took out some papers and we quickly filled them out . No sooner had she put them in her briefcase , the boys came in . " I 'll take care of this and see you the day after tomorrow . " Ben and I now had some major work ahead of us . I thought for a minute about what we could do with the boys so Ben and I could shop . " Ok boys , how would you like to go swimming in the pool at the resort ? " The boys changed then we were off to the resort . I spoke with the manager and he said the boys would be fine and he would make sure they were safe . Ben and I gave the boys hugs and kisses and told them there was something he and I had to do but they would be bored silly . They bought the explanation and headed to the water . Ben and I were like kids ourselves . We made sure the boys would have a Christmas they would never forget . When I was at the house , I saw a storage room and it was large enough to hold the bounty we bought for the boys . Two hours of shopping then another two for wrapping . The four big items we didn 't wrap . Each boy got a new bike and helmet equipped with a heavy cable and lock . At night , the bikes would go into the shed and would be locked so they wouldn 't get stolen . We made the door stronger and put a strong lock on it too just so there would be another level of security to keep their bikes safe . Once everything was wrapped and locked away , we headed back to the resort . On the way home , we stopped and got a Christmas tree and a nice supply of ornaments . " Mike , we 've never had a Christmas tree before , " Drew said . We took it home and got it set up . Ben and I let the kids pretty much decorate it and all in all , they did a pretty good job . Ben put Sasha on his shoulders then let him place the Angel on the top . Then I went and gave them a little surprise . I got stockings for each of them and put their name on them with a felt tip pen . " This is an early gift for you . There is a lot of sweet stuff in there so please don 't eat it all because I don 't want 4 boys with tummy aches . " I got some little nails so they could be hung near the tree . During our shopping , we got some groceries so we weren 't eating out all the time . Ben started dinner while I got the computer set up . We bought a wireless router so our laptops could work and we would be able to be online when the boys were . After dinner , we plugged the tree in and the boys smiled at its beauty . After their baths , we watched A Christmas Story then we put the boys to bed . After a hard day of swimming , it didn 't take them long before all four were asleep . We waited a little while just in case someone had to get up then we started bringing the gifts in . Once everything was in , we headed to bed . It seemed I just fell asleep when four boys were in our room . " Wake up guys . You have to see this . Come on Mike wake up . " I opened my eyes and saw sunlight then hurried to the bathroom . I pulled some shorts on then Ben and I were almost pulled out to the living room . Benjy jumped into my arms and held my face with his hands . " Mike , Santa was here . He actually came . " I put the boys down then sat down beside the tree . I would pick up a gift and give it the owner . While I was doing this , Ben slipped outside and lined the bikes up by the back door . When the last gift was opened Ben called the boys and had them bring the paper so it could be put into the trash . When Drew opened the door , the boys saw the bikes . Paper went flying and hugs were given all around . The boys did put the paper in the trash then I brought them into the living room . " How did you like your first Christmas ? " Drew and Benjy were on my lap and Ben had Mo and Sasha . Drew kissed me on the cheek . " Mike , this is the best Christmas ever . I can 't remember our last one . I know this will be over in another few days but I love you . I wish you never had to leave and could be our Dad . Benjy and I talked about it and we 've never felt so safe and loved . " Mo looked at Ben and both boys gave Ben a huge hug . " Mike , you showed me yesterday that you do care about us . I don 't know you and Ben that well but I will be very sad when you have to leave . " I had to fight tears at what Drew said and I saw Ben with some wet eyes also . " Boys , there is one more gift Ben and I have for you . I tried not to let you wiggle into my heart but it happened and it was the best thing for me . Over these last two days , I can 't see my life without you . Our Christmas present to you is that Ben and I will be staying here and will be your house parents . Do you think you can put up with us ? " Hugs and tears lasted for I don 't know how long . Ben and I got breakfast going and 4 boys quickly make it disappear . After breakfast , Ben and I watched the boys ride their bikes and realized we were now Daddies . I felt whole again . I felt Rainer in my heart telling me this was my lot in life . I couldn 't believe this gift I got while spending Christmas in Belize . |
I am home alone again this evening , and it has not gone well . I have zero patience left at this stage of the game , and both of my boys ticked me off royally tonight . Lately , Jamie is into everything , and it drives me nuts . I constantly have to chase him , and I simply can 't right now . Tonight , he went onto the table and got a container of applesauce that Cody had mostly eaten , and he grabbed a spoon and brought it into the living room . Oh boy . I was upset , and tried to grab it before him , but not before he whipped it all over his clean pajamas and onto the carpet . I yelled at him , and he is not quite 18 months old yet . He had a big grin on his face the whole time , which would have been cute if I hadn 't been so mad . Cody and I battled for an hour over whether he would clean up his toys or not . In the end , he did not , so he went to bed without a story . He knew that was his choice , but it did not stop him from throwing a massive tantrum when I did put him to bed . Lately he has this new stalling technique too . As soon as you put him to bed he whines and cries that he is hungry . It is a very useful technique , because it makes me question my judgment every single time , but I believe that he is simply manipulating me and that he is not hungry at all . He did eat supper earlier than usual today , but not by a huge margin , so I decided that it was too bad and he was going to bed . If I had offered him a snack he would have sat there and twiddled his thumbs for half an hour or more , thereby avoiding bedtime as much as possible . I decided that I couldn 't take the risk tonight . Have I mentioned that I am seriously WAY too pregnant to be left alone with these boys at bedtime ? This is the third night in a row . Sometimes I get so mad I wonder if I am going to put myself into labour . And I 'm still not ready for this baby yet . My house is still a mess , but is improving . Yesterday , Mike washed the kitchen floor and he even used Pinesol instead of that blasted swiffer . I used to love the swiffer , but now I despise the smell of the cleanPosted by I am so angry right now that I should not be doing this . I am on hold for Walmart ( which I have fondly nick - named Mall Wart ) for reasons that I would rather not explain in here . I don 't remember the last time I felt this angry . It 's not because I am on hold with Walmart , my least favorite store this week . But , I was already seriously steamed when I made this call , and now being on hold for a snippy employee , listening to seriously the most annoying country music imaginable for obscene lengths of time . It is not improving my mood . Finally my call is over . My kids have finally gone to sleep . I 'm thinking of changing my title from " stay - at - home - mom " to " home - alone - mom " . I am WAY too pregnant to be dealing with these boys by myself anymore . I have no patience , I am in pain , and my emotions are jagged and raw . I am hungry too , which is not helping either . I did not have time to feed myself supper tonight . I might just pop some popcorn and eat that . If I had energy , I would bake cookies . I do not have energy . Bummer . I 'm so hungry . One nice thing is that it has cooled off outside and I have the windows open and there is a very pleasant breeze circulating in this house . This whole week is supposed to be somewhat moderate for temperatures , so that is a huge relief to me . All right , I just popped a big bowl of hot , buttery popcorn . Too bad my TV is not working . This would be the ideal time to watch a movie . Maybe I 'll pop in a DVD in my laptop or something . I am really not happy this evening . I guess I don 't have anything more to say tonight . Sorry for the negativity . I think I 'm at the end of my rope here . Oh , but I will mention that the baby is once again very active , so my worries the other day have subsided somewhat . I still look forward to meeting this one and seeing him / her safe and sound in my arms . I 'm off for now . Feeling weird today . Okay , not weird . . . maybe just pregnant . I don 't know . I spend a lot of time on this website , babycenter , chatting with a bunch of women who are also due in July of this year . They are mostly American , and when I say " a bunch " I do mean literally hundreds . There are a few thousand members due in July , but I think there are less than a thousand who actually post . Anyway , the thing is , there have been several tragic losses on my board of babies , and it is very heart - wrenching . Just yesterday , another girl had to report a still birth , and it was just horrible . I know that technically it is a small minority of the girls who are going through this , but these posts stand out and it is increasingly difficult to read them . I have wondered whether I should take a break from the website for a while . After yesterday 's post about the boy who was stillborn ( had the cord wrapped around his neck twice . They found out he had passed before they did a c section to bring him out ) , I feel somewhat afraid for my baby . Here I am , technically full term , and that means that baby should be safe if he / she comes right away . But now a part of me can 't help but think that you never know , and babies are not always safe just because they are full term . This morning my baby didn 't move much , and I felt paranoid . But then I couldn 't remember how much he ( or she ) normally moves in the morning . Last night was like a circus in my belly , but often when I wake up in the morning the baby does too , and that didn 't really happen today . I have felt kicks now and then , but I 'm thinking of eating or drinking something really sugary and seeing what kind of response I get . That 's what they say to do when there is not much movement and you are wondering . I mean , how do you ever know when there is really something wrong and you need to go to the hospital ? ? I would not normally worry about my baby this late in pregnancy . It 's just that these poor girls thought they were safe too , and their babies died . I just don 't think I could go through thPosted by Yesterday was more eventful than I had planned . I had my 37 week appointment , which means that officially I am full term , even though I am not due for another three weeks . I took the boys with me and my sister Andrea took them while I went to my appointment . As usual , the appointment was quick . I was in and out in ten minutes , I think . Seriously , my doctor is so punctual and the appointments don 't take that long if you don 't have a bunch of questions . So , that was nice . I picked up some lunch for the boys , myself and Andrea ( some very healthy McD 's . . . ) and then after a short play time , I packed up the boys and left . On the way home is when things started to get gross . Cody started yelling that he needed to poop , which caused me some significant concern seeing we were a good half hour from home and there were no bathrooms anywhere along the way . I asked him whether he could please hold it until we got home . Then he started having a tantrum saying that he wanted a muffin . Okaaaayy . . . . Andrea had baked muffins for them at her place , but Cody had refused to eat one because he did not like them . Jamie did not have the same aversion . He was happy to consume a large portion of a muffin along with his McDonald 's , though he ate more muffin than happy meal , which is probably a good thing . So now , suddenly Cody is really upset because he wants a muffin . I told him that I didn 't have one so he was out of luck . This did not alleviate his distress . At some point , it became clear that he was hungry , so I gave him his french fries , which he had not eaten earlier . He ate them all and then had a tantrum because he did not want to hold the garbage anymore . Sheesh . So , I took the garbage from him , and by the time we got to our road again he was hollering about having to poop and having a sore stomach . I was getting stressed by now because I knew something was wrong , but I did not know what . For those of you who don 't know me well , I have something of a huge fear of the stomach flu . . . specifically of throwing up . Cody is over three yePosted by Here I sit in my living room , in denial . I love denial . It is one of my favorite places to visit . Jamie is in bed , but has not slept a wink since I put him down over an hour ago . See ? Denial . I should just face facts and get him up , but I am trying to keep the ratio at one kid per adult for the moment . I tried so hard to do some cleaning this morning . Cody was really upset and over tired , so I put him to bed at 9 : 30 this morning for a rest . I told him I was going to go do some cleaning . He instructed me to do it fast , like the Cat in the Hat . Hm . I told him I would do my best . So , I headed to the kitchen and started with the dishes . Weekends seem to be notorious for piling up dishes around here . Somehow , I am more inclined to do them when Mike is not home . I think it 's because on the weekends I always hope to have a weekend too . . . as in a break from my job . But I don 't get a break from my job , because my job is currently my life . So , I got to work on cleaning up after the weekend , but I didn 't get that far . I unloaded the clean ones , and rinsed the dirty ones and then got the dishwasher mostly loaded , and already I needed to sit down . How pathetic . To my great shock , Cody fell asleep . He didn 't just have a short rest either . At 10 : 40 a . m . I put Jamie in his crib in their room and Cody did not stir , even when Jamie did his hyper and happy crib dance all over his mattress . I told him to " shh " , to which he responded " ssshhhhh " . It was adorable . I left , telling myself that if Jamie woke Cody it was not a bad thing , seeing he had already been in there an hour . Soon , there was silence in this place . Wow . In retrospect , I wonder what sort of strange drug I took unknowingly that I did not take advantage of that time and have a nap myself . I guess I was not as tired then as I am now . At 12 : 30 p . m . , Jamie woke up . Cody did not . Cody slept until 1 p . m . I fed the boys lunch shortly after that , so we 're having kind of a weird day . Anyway , I 'm still surprised that Jamie is not sleeping now , but I really should just bring him ouPosted by This morning started out nicely . It was quite cloudy out , and despite the predictions from yesterday for rain and thunderstorms , the forecast was changed to sunny and hot . This did not thrill me . Yes , I know , I am warped . Truly , I would prefer a cool , windy day over hot and sunny any day , unless I was planning on doing some swimming in a lake or something . I was happy to see that it was good and cloudy this morning , and there was even a wind , so I got brave and took both boys outside . Cody is easy outside because he stays in the yard and plays very well on his own now . Jamie is not as easy , and though he loves the outdoors , he is usually napping when Cody gets his time outside . Today I figured the wind would keep the bugs away and the clouds would keep the heat away , so it was perfect . Jamie wandered around while Cody ran and played , and I sat up on the deck in our porch swing , watching . It was quite pleasant . We had an odd sort of afternoon though . My sister in law called and wanted us to come to her place to watch her two girls because one of their ponies escaped and they had been unable to find it . So , we did go , and it was hard for me because it was hot by then , and no longer cloudy , and at her place we were strictly outside . So , I watched as my boys got redder and redder in the face , and I started to feel ill . The thing is , I don 't know why it affected all of us so badly , because it was not supremely hot outside , but maybe just all the direct sunlight was what did it . I 'm not sure . My nieces had no problems whatsoever , which left me wondering whether it is just that I am not outside enough to have acclimatized to the summer conditions , and same with my boys . ( Especially Jamie . ) At any rate , thankfully my brother in law got home after about an hour , so I brought the boys home . Jamie missed his nap , which was unfortunate , but he is doing fine . I , on the other hand , feel like collapsing . How pathetic is this ? I really feel ill . Mike is on his way home and he is bringing Pizza Hut , which is a rare treat for us , aPosted by Had a long day today because Mike had his students ' graduation , so he was to be gone until late . I figured about 10 p . m . It was a long day with the boys , but I did my best and even did some cleaning . It is not beautiful in here , but it is not ground zero anymore either . Cody was grouchy this morning after getting up before 7 a . m . once again , but we had a pretty decent day considering . Jamie is still sick , but not severe , and he was in a pretty good mood all day , which is typical of him . I got them to bed at about 7 : 15 p . m . and a while after that I decided that it would be a good time for a shower , seeing I never get the chance during the day ! ! To my surprise , Mike was home when I got out , so I will not be alone this evening after all . Then again , he has been talking on the phone ever since he got home , so I might still be on my own . We are in the midst of a severe thunderstorm watch right now , but despite a very cool dark sky , we are not seeing much action at this point in time . I 'm kind of disappointed . Is that warped ? Well , even if it is , I can 't help it . It was crazy hot here today and I love that it is now cloudy out and doesn 't look so blazing hot . I thought I had some stuff to say in here tonight , but for some reason I can 't remember what it was ! How typical is that ! I still hope we get to hear a bit of thunder , but I 'm not sure that will happen tonight after all . Ooo . . . Mike has now gone for ice cream . I 'm hungry , so this is good . Well , maybe not , seeing my baby is so " huge " already , but I guess there is not much point in worrying about that right now . Wow . Seriously , I wish I could remember what I intended to blog about , but clearly it is not coming to me . I guess I will sign off for now and maybe tomorrow I will have something more interesting to say . So I took a break from my blog for the last few days . It started because we went away again this weekend to my parents ' place . While we were there , we took the boys to the children 's museum , which was fun , plus I bought a few more cloth diapers - these ones are newborns . They 're so tiny ! I also got my hair cut , and that was long overdue , so that was good . Our main reason for being there , though , was for Cody . He had an appointment with the specialist ( pediatric ophthalmologist ) to check on his eyes again . This is off topic , but while we were there , there was a family in the waiting room with triplet boys ! ! Yes , three of them , all three years old , all with glasses . They also had a one year old girl . I figured they were officially crazier than us ! The dad said that they were all 6 pounds when born , and only came a month early . I could not believe it ! Anyway , Cody 's prescription has changed again . I think this will be his fourth one , and he has not even had glasses for two years yet . ( He had to get glasses at 19 months old , which was a shocker for us , as neither Mike or I have ever needed glasses . There was also a chance he would need surgery , but we don 't know yet . It was very upsetting when it all came about , but he does very well with his glasses now , and he 's pretty cute with them too . ) So the good news was that Cody 's prescription needs to be weaker , which means his eyes have gotten stronger . Unfortunately , the weaker prescription may cause his eye to turn in more ( right now it is a very slight turn , and not noticeable to anyone who is not in the eye profession ) , which may mean surgery in the future . I have to take him back in September , which I dread because I will have a two month old baby by then . So , that was positive for the most part . He 'll get his new glasses in a week or so . Then we 'll see if he keeps looking over and around them , or whether he is more comfortable in them . That was on Monday . Since then , we have had some grumpy boys . They both have colds , and were up at 5 a . m . yesterday , thanks to Jamie Posted by So last night was not the most triumphant sleep that I have ever gotten . It started with what I am learning is actually heartburn , a common side effect of pregnancy . Well , I think that 's what it is . This horrible pressure like everything in your stomach is being forced up into your esophagus in a large balloon . . . I had that all evening yesterday . The only relief was to try to burp , which would help for approximately three seconds afterwards . Yes , I felt very attractive , burping and waddling to the toilet and back to pee every half hour or so . I tried pushing the baby down in my stomach , but I got kicked in response , so I guess that is a no go . I did eventually fall asleep , but at about 3 : 30 a . m . , Cody began whimpering off and on , which is very unusual for him . I listened for a while , assuming that I would need to go in there and calm him after a nightmare or something , but he quieted down enough to let me get to that blissful " almost asleep " place , and then he started again . It got more intense , so I decided I better go in there so that he did not wake Jamie up . I went to see him and he was crying and said that he really wanted a peanut butter sandwich . Hm . Okay , at 3 : 45 a . m . ? ? ? I offered him water instead and he accepted , as long as I made it " supery - dupery " , which translates as " really cold " . I got the water , and told him he was to be really quiet and go back to sleep . I went back to bed and returned to the land of " almost asleep " . I hate that place . It is better to skip it and just go straight to sleep . Being wrenched out of " almost asleep " is worse than being woken up from actual legitimate sleep . Cody was still upset in his room , and eventually Jamie piped in and tried his best to make it into a party . He squealed and laughed loudly , and I was getting increasingly annoyed . I still had that gross heartburn feeling , though not as severe , and the baby had some kind of violent pow - wow inside of me . Maybe a pee - pee dance , or something ? Well , it was starting to get light outside and I was still awake . I lost count Posted by Hm . Cody is grouchy again this morning , further adding to my concerns that he is simply not getting enough sleep . I have disciplined him multiple times this morning , and about half an hour ago I put him to bed and had a talk with him . He told me he was feeling sad , and then in a rather wimpy voice ( with a hint of a smile on his face ) he told me that he is feeling sick . I know this is not the case , but I decided to humor him anyway . I asked him why he is feeling sick . He said that he is sick from beach water because you are not supposed to drink it , but you can swim in it , right ? I kept a straight face , but seriously , Cody has never been to the beach . Where this particular flow of you - know - what was coming from , I didn 't know . I do know that he was trying to make me feel sorry for him . He does this now . So I asked him in what part of his body he was feeling sick . He said , " My legs . " I have to give him credit , he truly sounded like he was in pain the way he said it . I told him that the best thing to do would be to lay down for a while and then his legs would feel better . It was pretty funny . Poor kid . All the articles on sleep that I read make it sound like Cody is indeed sleep deprived . I have heard from more than one source that keeping your kid from napping during the day will make them even worse at night , but if they nap during the day they will sleep better when you put them to bed . Oh how I wish that were true for Cody . We have tried that many times and it never fails that he is then up all evening AND early in the morning . The last two nights he has been in bed by 7 p . m . or shortly after , and both mornings ( today and yesterday ) he slept until almost 8 a . m . Maybe the early bed times are the key for him . I just don 't know . Let 's face it , I have no idea what I am doing here . ( Incidentally , he only stayed in his room for about five minutes . He is on the loose once again , and is currently requesting that we sing " Mama Mia " . ) Jamie is better today in terms of his mood , but his nose looks gross . Blech . This morning Posted by Okay , so yesterday was rough with Cody , but here 's hoping that today will be better . I have decided to be extremely swift with correction today so that he can 't get away with anything at all . Maybe that will undo some of the damage that I have apparently done . I am finding it very hard to police him these days because I am physically so wiped out and also very awkward and slow . However , our morning is going better so far . Jamie , on the other hand , is sick with a cold and he has been in a pretty grumpy state since he got out of bed this morning . Poor kid . He is back in bed now and sleeping soundly , which is exactly what he needs . I think my baby is in sideways . Maybe diagonal ? I don 't know . . . it 's just that the movement seems to span from my lower right side up to my sternum , and almost never on my left side . Supposedly that means it 's a boy , I think . Big surprise there ! Most of the wives tales say I 'm having a girl , but that 's what they always tell me and it has yet to be a girl ! Anyway , I don 't want to start blabbing about that again . In fact , I suddenly feel like I don 't have that much to say today . I have a pot of water on the stove , waiting for it to boil , so I guess I should go . Besides , Cody is beckoning my hand . He calls it " Spider " , and it is his little friend . He talks to it , gives it toys to play with , hugs it and kisses it and tells it that it is his best pal . Hm . Haha . I just have to animate it enough to make it believable , and before you know it I am just as into the game as he is . It 's pretty cute , actually . He 's always happy when Spider is around . I better go check on that water and on my laundry too . I 'm off for now . I am feeling extremely frustrated and angry right now . My patience is all gone . I just want to have a holiday and relax for the last part of this pregnancy , and I can 't . All day Cody disobeys EVERYTHING I say . EVERYTHING ! ! ! I can 't stand it . Even Jamie is driving me nuts today . He was incredibly grouchy this morning and I put him down for a nap before 9 : 30 a . m . , but unfortunately , he was up by 10 : 30 a . m . as a result . I just put Cody in his room for a quiet time because I can 't stand the chaos of him running around doing whatever the heck he wants while I helplessly tell him what to do like some kind of idiot who has absolutely no control over anything . He is quiet in his room . Actually , I was scared he fell asleep until about 10 seconds ago and I heard him sneeze or something . Jamie is playing in the front closet and has actually managed to remove a piece of hardware from the closet door . I have never in my life heard of anyone breaking that piece off , but my kids did . Good for me . It 's that little metal piece that 's on the inside of each of the bi - fold doors at the bottom about 12 inches off the floor . Have anyone else 's kids ever actually removed that ? ? ? I have counted over 30 toys that are laying on the floor around me , and that does not include books , and that is just from my current vantage point . I can 't seem to teach Cody how to clean up . What is wrong with me ? ? He just doesn 't care what the consequence is . He will NOT clean up after himself . I am very seriously tempted to remove ALL of his toys and just tell him too bad . If he can 't put them away , he can 't have them at all . Then I would have a bored boy , and my troubles would really start . I think I am at the end of my rope for now . I need to have some space and some quiet , and for pity 's sake , some SLEEP ! Cody woke up crying last night because he wanted his pillow . Yes , his pillow had fallen off the bed RIGHT beside him , and he cried for me at four in the morning . I had to stumble into his room just to pick up the pillow , trying not to wake Jamie up in tPosted by Okay , this post will have a bit of a theme to it , so if you are not interested or curious about the cloth diaper stuff you might want to skip this one . I found this blog called www . clothdiaperblog . com , and it appears to be full of good information about cloth diapering . There is also a weekly giveaway every Friday , which is very cool . I believe the giveaway is usually a diaper , but I am so new to the site that I can 't be totally sure on that . I would be so thrilled to win a diaper . I know , I know . It probably seems very silly to get excited over diapers , but that is where I 'm at these days . I now have another site that I can check obsessively to do diaper research . Maybe one of these days I will actually be prepared for this new baby ! On our trip this weekend I bought a diaper for the baby to try . It is small , so now the baby has two small diapers of his or her own . We also got two wet bags for traveling and they worked very well for this past weekend . We got two diaper pail liners and we also broke down and bought a diaper sprayer , which is like a shower head ( only much smaller ) that attaches to the toilet for easy cleaning of the dirty diapers . I hope it works . I feel like I am really in this now ! This morning I made wipes solution for our cloth wipes . I am almost completely set up now for this whole endeavor . Who would have thought I would ever be doing this ? ? I still need more stuff in order to prepare for the baby , but even so , I have a fairly big chunk of my budget left to use and we will still be saving a lot of money doing things this way . Baby is doing gymnastics right now and my laptop is bouncing all over the place ! Jamie is sleeping and Cody is doing preschool games on an old apple computer in the kitchen . It is nice and quiet in here . I will do a more in - depth post about the weekend and everything else tomorrow . I am too tired right now , and I have diapers on the brain . Hm . I am pretty sure this is a nesting thing and that if I were not 8 months pregnant right now I might be able to give this a rest . Posted by Well , I should be in bed but we are still preparing for our trip " tomorrow " , which has now graduated into today . I think it will be bedtime soon , but looks like we 'll be tired this weekend . I 'm not surprised . That 's usually the way these things go . I 'm having lots of " Braxton Hicks " contractions these days , which is kind of fun . Weird , I guess . Here goes another one . Hm . Really a lot of them tonight . They don 't hurt , but they are pretty strong and they give me a very strange sensation . Hopefully I won 't go into labour this weekend while I am not at home ! I don 't want to have this baby in Winnipeg . Don 't worry , I am not really concerned that this is a possibility . I doubt very much that my baby will come more than a week early , and even that is wishful thinking . I will probably go past my due date once again , but I am still hoping not . Anyway , I don 't know why I am blogging right now . I must be out of my mind . I better get myself to bed , or at least get ready for bed . I will likely not be able to blog at all this weekend . I am not planning to take my computer along , but then again , who knows ? Maybe I 'll have some fun updates for Monday , or even Sunday night . Goodnight all . It turns out that yesterday ended up being more eventful than what I had originally posted . Shortly after I published my last post , I went down the hall and found Cody not playing with his GeoTrax , but rather sitting on my bed with a bottle of infant Tylenol in one hand and the dropper lid in the other . He had sticky goo all around his mouth . I FREAKED out . I asked him if he had eaten any and he said yes . I asked him how much and he said , " One , two , three ! " with a big grin on his face . I figured he meant three droppers full , but then he said he also had a " sip " . I grabbed the bottle and gave him a substantial and impassioned lecture about medicine and its dangers , which he clearly was not getting . I had to call the toll free number on the bottle for help because I didn 't know whether I needed to take him to the doctor or not . I could not tell how much he had consumed . I ended up on the phone with poison control . . . an experience that I had hoped to never have as a mother . The lady was very nice and assured me that even if he had consumed the entire bottle he would be fine . She said that there is a reason they make the bottles that small , and that there is no way a child could overdose on them . I felt terrible regardless . It was my fault that he got a hold of that bottle . I will have to be more careful in the future . When I called the number on the Tylenol bottle the guy there told me that Cody would be fine , but he had to take all my information because apparently whenever something like that happens , they have to report it to Health Canada , or somewhere like that . He is the one who put me through to poison control when we were done talking , just to be sure . The lady there told me that Cody would not even exhibit any symptoms , and that he would be totally fine . I was so relieved . I really felt like a bad mother . The reason he even got a hold of it in the first place is because I let Jamie hold it during a diaper change just to keep him calm . He tends to get really frustrated and thrash around a lot during diaper chPosted by I am as tired as I can be , and desperate for a nap , but I can 't unless I put the TV on for Cody , and I am reluctant to do so . Jamie is sleeping , and has been down for about an hour and 15 minutes or so . He missed his morning nap because I took him and Cody to get their hair cut in Oak Lake . Jamie is grumpy today , and I am not sure why . Maybe he is overtired , or maybe he is getting sick . . . It is hard to say . Cody just came in from outside . It is now raining out , very lightly . It is my kind of day . Not the rain so much , but it is cloudy and windy , a tiny bit cool - ish , and I can feel a wonderful breeze throughout my house . I have not used the air conditioning once this year , and it is June . Okay , for some people that may sound normal , but I really hate the heat , and as soon as it gets really hot out my air conditioning gets turned on . It has been a cool summer so far . While that bothers a lot of people , I am not one of them . I wanted spring to come earlier than it did , but I have absolutely no complaints about the lower than average temperatures so far this summer . Couldn 't have planned it better myself . I was dreading being pregnant at this time of the year . I 'm sure that by the time this baby comes it will be terribly hot , like usual , but the longer it stays cool , the better . I can smell the rain now , and it is refreshing . It would be a good day for baking , if I had the energy . I have not done much today in terms of usefulness . I have not cleaned , I haven 't even stuffed the diapers that I washed . Yikes , I better do that now before Jamie wakes up and needs one ! Okay , diapers are stuffed and folded . Jamie is now fussing . I 'm kind of bummed about that . I was really enjoying the quiet around here . Cody is in Jamie 's old room , playing with his Geo Trax . It is nice to have them in the other room . It is almost like having a separate play room for him . We will have one of those once the basement is finished , but that is going to be a long time from now , by the look of things ! Only because of finances though . Other than thPosted by Cody has gone outside , at my insistence , so I am alone with Jamie in here . Well , Cricket is also with us , and making more noise than he does . It is nice to separate the boys now and again during the day when they are both up because otherwise there are fights or stealing of toys , or just plain dangerous activities . Jamie had a very horrible head bump this morning . I was doing dishes in the kitchen and heard the horrific bang and then Jamie wailing . I ran ( well , if you can call it running in my current condition ) down the hall and picked him up and he was inconsolable for a long time , which is not normal for him . Hehe . He is having a tantrum right now due to his sadness that Cody just went out the door without him . His tantrums are still pretty cute . He is thrashing his legs and everything , laying on his back on the floor . Mostly he is just really bummed that his brother is outside and he is stuck in here . Anyway , I think his head is okay , but there might be a bump there . It is hard to tell for sure . His legs , on the other hand , are absolutely covered in eczema and we don 't know what is triggering it . I am now wondering whether he is allergic to grass on top of whatever else the problem is , because he was outside in shorts recently and sat on the grass with bare legs . Since then , his legs have been absolutely horrible but the rest of his body is not bad at all . So , wondering whether that could have triggered it ? ? We have stopped using bounce sheets on the boys ' clothes , plus I am back to using Tide Free , in hopes that it will help . We are wondering about milk allergies , but I am getting stressed about not ever giving him milk because he needs the calcium . I might have to take him to see his doctor and maybe he can help me figure out a plan to help Jamie . Poor little guy . Our day here is going all right . It is kind of a roller coaster day . Sometimes it is up , sometimes it is down . I mostly feel like falling asleep , and I am having a hard time not doing so , but I cannot do it because these boys need supervision . TheyPosted by Well , tonight we officially bade farewell to our beloved black Toyota Matrix . There were tears in my eyes as I watched it drive down our lane and around the corner out of sight . Mike was also exceedingly sad . It was by far the best car I have ever had , and I absolutely loved it . However , we simply could not fit three car seats safely in the back seat , and because our kids are so close together , we need three car seats and will for some time now . That is why we bought our Sienna , which is a great van , but I miss my Matrix dearly . It was black with dark tint , and I referred to it as the Batmobile , until I found out that at the time it was technically classified as a station wagon . That was a real setback for me , but then it became the Batmowagon and it was still cool . Ish . Then they reclassified it as a CUV , a compact utility vehicle , and suddenly it was cool again . We sold it to one of Mike 's brothers and his wife , who just had their first baby a week ago . I am extremely happy for them , because I think it will be a fantastic vehicle for them . I am glad we sold it to someone in the family , but at the same time I think I am going to cry when I see it at family gatherings and it is not mine anymore . Is this ridiculous ? Maybe . After all , it is just a car . But seriously , it is the first car Mike and I bought together , and we bought it brand new too . Then we went on our only vacation together ( we have now been married almost nine years . Yikes . That was in 2003 . ) , and I guess there are a lot of good memories of that car . Plus it was super comfortable and fun to drive . I probably sound ungrateful because seriously , we have a Sienna now , which is a fantastic van , but it is still a van and has a totally different feel to it . Plus it is kind of a " fogie " colour . Like a sand , or even worse , " beige " . It does not look cool , though it is terribly comfortable and roomy , and also feels very nice to drive . I am just not attached to it like I was to the Matrix . I just remember the first time I got in the Matrix ( actually a differentPosted by What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small . |
I stood in my room getting ready , I decided to lose the T - shirt and skirt and go for a new look . I found a long black dress that was split down the side of it with tall black boots to . I let my hair hung freely along my shoulders like it had always been . I put my hand through one of the long black glove on my right hand . Once the glove was on , I made a fist to make sure that I could move my fingers and that it wasn 't too tight . I looked in the mirror of my bed room one last time before heading out on a quest to find Cloud . Ever since they had defeated Sephiroth , he had deserted everybody he knows . He said he felt responsible for all those people that had died before and didn 't want anyone else getting hurt . It wasn 't his fault that the people in Midgar were killed , it wasn 't his fault that Aeris was killed either . I know he misses her dearly . We all do . It is not good for him to be alone , what if something happens to him ? Vincent , Barret , and everybody else are out looking for him . I told them I would check Midgar , I heard from someone that there was a man there that had a large sword heading that way . I walked out of my house and waited by the curb of my house in Kalm . One of my customers in my new bar said he would give me a lift to the outside of Midgar , but he refused to go inside the broken city . Not many people wanted to go to see the ruins of Midgar , too many bad memories of what Shinra did and of all the people that were killed by Meteor . The man finally came around in his truck , I opened up the side door and jumped in . He started driving off before I could even shut the door . The man zipped out of the town in his truck , going probably more than fifty . I just watched out the window looking at the sky , thinking of what to say if I saw Cloud . What do you say to a person who is afraid that they cause people around them to get killed ? I just wanted to make sure he is all right . I don 't know what I would do if he was killed out there or if he killed himself . I can 't think that way , I have to try and stay positive , that 's what Aeris always did . " So whatcha goin to Midgar for ? " The trucker asked me , trying to get rid of the silence in the truck . I stopped looking out the window and gazed over at him . " I am going to go see a friend . " I replied to him . He took one hand off the steering wheel to scratch his beard . " You know I heard that place was haunted . Yep a couple went up there to fool around knowing that no one would be there and they say that the two were attacked . They say if you go by the south end of Midgar you can see their bodies hung there . " The man told me . I didn 't reply , ever since Midgar had been destroyed people had been making up rumors about it . I wasn 't scared even if the place ended up being haunted , I had to find Cloud . " How much longer until we are there ? " I asked the trucker . He looked as if he was trying to look forward to see something , then replied , " We should be there any minute now . " He said as I noticed the sky started to darken . I looked through the front window of the truck at the fallen buildings that we were approaching . The place looked like a total mess , how could this all have happened . The people who once lived there didn 't deserve to die . It is all Shinra 's fault for all of this . The truck finally stopped . " Thank you for the ride . " I told the man as I slammed the door shut on the truck . " Are you sure you wanna be messing around in a place like this ? " He asked me . " I 'll be fine . " I told him as I started walking toward what use to be one of the strongest cities on the Planet . " If you die , it 's your own fault . " The trucker yelled one last time as he drove off the opposite way . I shook my head , how stupidly can some people are ? There is no one here , how can you get killed unless you do it to yourself . I continued further into Midgar looking around in awe . I had a feeling I knew which area of the city I was in , Sector 7 . I knew because I saw flower bed that Aeris use to tend . I stared at it for a moment before I heard something behind me make a noise . I turned around to see nothing there . For some reason I had a really bad feeling about being in Midgar again . I wanted to run out of this place and never enter this place again , but I couldn 't , Cloud might be in here . I took a step forward when I could have sworn I heard another voice . " Hello , is someone there ? " I called out , my fists held close to my chest ready to strike if someone or something attacked . " Stupid girl . " I heard a voice say behind me , I turned quickly , but no one was there . What the hell was going on ! " Who are you , show yourself ? " I yelled out again . I heard footsteps behind me and I turned to see a tall man with short silver hair and wearing all black . " You 're not the one we are looking for . It is the other one . " He said emotionlessly . What was this guy saying ? Other one ? Whom is he looking for ? It couldn 't be . . . Cloud The grey - haired man turned away from her and started walking back toward the exit . " Wait ! " I yelled out to the grey - haired man , but he did not respond to my calling and just kept walking . I ran up behind him and placed my hand on his arm to turn him to face me , so I could finally get some answers of why he wanted Cloud . As soon as I grabbed his arm he spun around and grabbed me by my wrist tightly . " It is in you best interest to not get involved with things you were not meant to understand . " He said as he threw me to the ground . I shot back to my feet . " It is when the one you are hunting is one of my closest friends ! " I shouted at him and clenched my hands into fists . " You are a fool and that is how you will die . " He said as he ran at me . I was ready for him . He tried to hit me with his fists but I easily blocked him . When I got my chance I kicked him in the gut and sent him back . The creepiest thing was , it didn 't faze him at all . Most people when getting hit would have an expression on their face , but he had none . It was almost as if he was a robot with no feeling at all . I cleared my mind of this . This man knew something that neither I nor the rest of Avalanche knew and I had to get it out of him . I ran back at him , punching toward his face . He raised his arm up to mine and blocked the blow . I then tried to kick his feet out from under him , but he jumped and hit me in the back sending me to the ground . I tried to get up as fast as I could , but he grabbed my arm and started to swing me around in the air . He the through me against the wall , but I was lucky enough to have my feet bounce against the wall . I landed in a crouching position . As soon I as looked up there he was . But this time he had a gun pointed at my face . I was so scared , even when we were going against Meteor I knew we could handle it . Going against Sephiroth , I knew Cloud could defeat him . I didn 't want to die knowing that Cloud was in danger and that the world was most likely in danger as well . I closed my eyes , a tear running down my left cheek . " What the hell ? " I heard his curse out as a ninja star took out his gun . I looked up and didn 't see what had caused it . I saw the grey - haired man looking around furiously . Then out of no where someone pounced on him , sending him away from me . " You ok Tifa ? I heard a young female voice ask . A smile went across my face . " Yeah thanks Yuffie . " I said as she stretched out a hand to helped me up . " Ok let 's take down this guy ! " She said turning around to find he was gone . " Where did he go ? " I asked looking around . There was no way someone could move that fast . Yuffie had folded her arms over her chest . " I bet he was just to scared of me and ran off ! " She said . I just shook my head and smiled . " Have you spoken with any of the others ? " I asked her . She shook her head in a yes . " I saw Cid earlier . These nasty creatures were attacking Rocket Town . He was lucky I was passing by . As for everyone else no . " She said . " I have a very bad feeling about all of this . " I told her . " That man I was fighting with , he was looking for Cloud . I tried to ask him what he wanted him with , but he wouldn 't say . " I looked at the ground feeling almost helpless . Why couldn 't Cloud just keep his PHS on ? Yuffie placed her hand on my shoulder . " It will be ok . Those creeps couldn 't take down spiky in a million years . " She said , trying to cheer me up and it worked a bit . " Thanks Yuffie . " I then felt my PHS vibrate . I immediately answered it . " Hello ? " I said into it . There was no answer . " Hello , who is it ? " I asked again . " Thank god your alright Tifa . " The voice came from the phone . My eyes went wide . " Cloud ? Oh my god , These people are looking for you ? Are you alright ? Are you hurt ? Where are you ? " I asked him . I could feel my heart pounding a thousand beats a second . Yuffie stared at me , waiting to hear what Cloud had to say . " Listen Tifa , I can 't tell you much . I am fine , I just need you to call everyone and tell them to be cautious . And please don 't look for me . " Was the last thing he said before line was lost . I looked down at the PHS . No dammit , I tried to redial the number , but it said that the number was no longer in service . " What happened ? What did he say ? " Yuffie asked me . " He said to call everyone to tell them to be cautious . He also said not to look for him . " I said throwing the PHS on the ground . " Well , who says we need to listen to him ? " Yuffie asked me , with a sly smile on her face . " Let 's find him and beat him up for making us worry ! " I shook my head . " I am not sure about that . " I told her . Yuffie stood in front of me and placed both of her hands on my shoulders . " Tifa what if he really is in danger ? He may need our help , but just doesn 't want to get us involved . And besides he is getting my help if he likes it or not . " She said as she started to walk off a bit . I knew she was right and it would make me feel much better knowing he is fine where he is , than to worry about him . " Yuffie . " I called out to her . She turned around and looked at me . " I am coming too . " She smiled and gave me a thumbs up . We walked through the ruins of Midgar what seemed like forever . I really wish the man who brought me here left , had stayed and waited until I was done . I still can 't believe it is still dark and gloomy in this area of the planet . Even after the buildings and everything else had been destroyed by Meteor , the darkness still remains here . It is probably for the best , serves as a reminder to all of what we did . I looked over at Yuffie , who seemed to not be worried about any of this . I wonder how she does it , right now I am almost making myself sick over thinking of what Cloud is going through . I must say that I admire her . She takes charge when it is needed and knows when things must be done no matter what . For instance when she stole our materia when we first met her . She did it to protect her people in Wutai . She almost reminds me of Aeris . I could never measure up to her , she sacrificed herself so everyone could live on . How do you compete with that ? I know Cloud loved her . We all did . I know I could never have Cloud 's heart that belongs to the flower lady , but I will not rest until I know he is safe . Yuffie stopped her in tracks beside me . " What 's wrong ? " I asked her . She didn 't answer , she only placed a finger to her lips signaling me to be quiet . She bent long and snuck behind a large boulder of what use to be a building . I followed her , interested in knowing what she heard . " This is not over . We will meet again . " I could hear a man say from the distance . Yuffie peeked her head over to check out what was going on . She came back down and whispered to me , " It 's Reno and Rude they were fighting a different guy with silver hair . He escaped . " She then lifted herself from the crouched position and stood up . I did the same , not wanting to be left behind . " Hey , Turks , what are you doing here ? " Yuffie called over to them as she made her way over . The red head and the bald men glanced over in our direction as we came near . " I would like to know what you two are doing here also . This place is restricted from civilians . You both need to leave now . " Reno told us in an annoyed fashion . " Cool it , we are on our way out of here . " Yuffie shot back at them . Yuffie walked by them , not wanting to bug them anymore . " Who was that man ? " I asked the two Turks . They both eyed in suspiciously . At that time , Yuffie stopped walking and waited for me . " It is none of your business , it would be best if you both just go home and forget about everything you saw here . " Rude said to me . " You know what they are , don 't you ? " I questioned him . I could tell now they were getting really upset . " No , we don 't . We are trying to figure out the same as you are . " Reno said as he looked over where the long silver haired man once stood . " So you better stay out of our way . " He looked over at me . " We weren 't in your way . I was just asking a simple question . " I told them . I had enough talking to those two and started walking over to Yuffie to continue our quest out of Midgar and to find Cloud . After fifteen minutes of walking we were in far reach of where the Turks had been and were almost out of Midgar finally . " What a bunch of jerks . " Yuffie kept complaining . " I bet they are behind all of this . I bet that silver haired dude was Elena in disguise and they are just trying to play dumb . That 's not hard for them . " She went on . I just shook my head and couldn 't help but smile . However , the encounter with the Turks did bring up another question , are they really hiding something ? They sounded as if they knew and didn 't want to give us any information about what is going on . All of it doesn 't matter though , we will find out for ourselves . While I was thinking and Yuffie kept yapping how she was going to knock the Turks heads off , I felt like someone was watching us . I stopped walking and stayed still . Yuffie didn 't seem to notice and kept walking straight . I turned and looked behind me and saw no one there . I could have sworn someone was right behind us . When I went to turn around and figure was standing a few feet away . It startled me . Luckily I was able to recognize the man , who looked as if he was in his thirties . " Vincent , what are you doing here ? " I asked , still in shock of seeing the ex - Turk . Yuffie had turned around as soon as I spoke out and jumped . " Vincent ! " She cheered and ran to join us . " I suspect your looking for Cloud . " He spoke , not answering my question . How did he know I was looking for Cloud ? Did he know where he was ? " Yeah , we are . I talked to him earlier , but he didn 't sound right . So we are going to go find him , do you know where he is ? " I asked the red capped man . He closed his eyes and answered . " I saw him , when I traveled through the City of the Ancients . He told me they are hunting him , so he is hunting them . I had asked him if he needed any help , but only replied he was going to do it himself . " " Do it himself ? How much gel does he have in that thick skull of his ? It is better when you have other people helping you . " Yuffie said , her hands in tiny fists . " He said he needs to do this for her , that she had told him in a dream that those people are a threat to the planet . " Vincent told us , he looked at the sky and then back at us . " I need to be going . " He said as he turned to leave . " Wait ! " I called to him . He stopped in his tracks , waiting to hear what I had to say . " Do you know what those people are ? " I asked him , hoping he knew . " They are mistakes , they have only one thing on their mind and that is what they were programed to do . That is all I can tell you . " He started walking ahead again . " Why don 't you join us ? " Yuffie shouted at him . " Sorry , there is other things I need to find out about all of this . " He answered her . Yuffie turned to me . " So , what are we waiting for ? Let 's go to Ancient City and knock some sense into him . " Yuffie said cheerily once again . I didn 't answer her , my mind was in too much thought . Would he want us to be there ? Then again , if he doesn 't want me there it is alright with me . He can hate me until one of us dies , if he is alright that is good enough for me . " Yeah , let 's go . " I told her , with a smile upon my face . " Alright let 's go . " She started walking off to the direction of the exit of Midgar . " You go ahead . I 'll be there in a second . " Yuffie looked a bit confused at me , but obeyed my wish and started ahead . When she was a bit further , I reached into my pocket and pulled out a ribbon . It was nothing fancy . Most people by now would have thrown it away . I remember when it was pink , now . It is a shade of black . I looked down at it and squeezed it in my hand . " Don 't worry . We will both protect him . " I whispered as I started to tie the ribbon to my arm . Once it was securely on , I went to catch up with Yuffie . We were outside of Midgar looking back at the city . " So , how do you suppose we get to Ancient City ? I called Cid and he told me he was too busy to come here , later on he said he could make it . " Yuffie told me . I sighed . Just I what I needed another obstacle to get in my way . " What about the ship ? Wait , that would take longer to get to than Ancient City . " I mused out loud . Yuffie had her hand to her chin , I could tell she was also trying to think of a way to get there . " Maybe someone around here has a boat . " I said to her , but he shook her head . " No one around here , unless you walk back to Kalm Tif . And I don 't think anyone there would have a boat . I swear I am going to kick Cid in the balls for making us wait this long . " She said as she folded her arms over her chest . " How did you get over here ? " I asked her , remembering that she had to of traveled over water to get to Midgar . " A guy in Costel De Sol gave me a ride over here , but he left as soon as I got off the boat . " She replied . I looked towards the ground . There has to be a way to get over there . Then we both heard a noise coming from the sky and looked up . A Shinra airship was landing near the other side of Midgar , most likely picking up the Turks . " Here 's an idea , we sneak aboard and get a free ride . " Yuffie said as she started to run to the airship . I chased after her and ran beside her . " How do you know if they are going to go to that part of the planet ? " I called to her . She just shrugged . " Wherever they land , everyone has to empty out of the ship sooner or later , then we hot wire the ship and take off . " She yelled . As we came closer , we could see the Turks talking to someone that appeared to be in a wheelchair outside the ship . Yuffie quickly hid behind a rock and I followed her lead . " There has to be another area for luggage . " She whispered to me . I looked at the bottom of the ship for the area and spotted it . " Right there . " I pointed to the square shaped cut out with the handle sticking out of it . Yuffie nodded and spoke , " We got to go now . They are starting to board again . " We ran underneath the area of the ship as the Turks and the other man were going back on the ship . I lifted Yuffie onto my shoulders so she could reach the handle . As soon as she grabbed onto it I pulled her down and the door opened . " Okay , lift me up . " Yuffie commanded . She stood on my shoulders again and grabbed onto the edge and lifted herself into the airship . I could hear the engines starting to turn on . I had to get up onto the ship before it started to take off . I jumped up and Yuffie caught my hand and started to pull me up . The airship had just started to lift into the air . " Yuffie get my up ! " I yelled at her as I dangled above the ground . She pulled harder and lifted me up until I was able to grab the edge of the opening of the door and pulled myself up . I looked over at Yuffie , who looked like she was listening for something . " What is it ? " I asked her , but she only shushed me . " There is someone coming . " She said quietly and pulled me to my feet . We hid behind a few crates that were in the room as the door opened and two men dressed in the usual blue Shinra uniform entered . " Who left the door open ? " One of them spoke and raced over to shut the door while the other one stood looking around . " Do you think someone got in ? " The one standing asked . The man that shut the door came toward the other . " Don 't be stupid , there is no one that could get in here . We just got out of ex - Midgar , no . One lives there . " The man smacked the other . " Let 's get out of here , we are suppose to be in Bone Village in 30 minutes . " The man spoke as they both left the room . Yuffie peaked her head up to make sure that is was safe to come out . " Well what do you know , Shinra is actually good for something after all . " Yuffie smirked as she sat atop of a crate . " Looks like things are finally going our way . " I smiled . " They finally stopped , let 's get out of here . " I said to Yuffie , who took a snooze while we were waiting until we arrived . I wish had taken a nap , but I know it would be no use . I won 't be able to sleep right until I know Cloud is safe . " Can you open the door ? " I asked Yuffie , the handle was on the outside and I didn 't know of a way to get out of here . She looked over at me like it was as easy as opening a door . " You 're lucky you brought me along . " She smirked as she took out a fire materia from her pocket and started to burn the edge around the door . A few sparks shot from the door , but then it finally pealed away and she kicked it and it opened . " Come on we gotta go before they notice that the door is damaged . " She jumped down , then I followed . I looked over to see that the Turks were already out of the airship . " Come on let 's go . " I said to Yuffie as we tried to make it to Bone Village without being seen by them . " It 's not that far from here . It should only take five minutes . " Yuffie said as she looked over in the direction . We started making our way . It would have taken probably shorter time to get there , but we had to go a different way to make sure we were not seen . When we reached the place it looked just like Midgar , except the buildings here were not damaged . However , there was no one outside . I yawned and stretched my arms out in front of me . Yuffie looked over at me with concern . " Maybe we should get some sleep before we go into the Sleeping Forest . " She told me . " No , we don 't need to . I 'll be fine . " I told her . I didn 't want to stop . She shook her head at me . " We are stopping at an Inn first then we will continue . " She said to me and I knew she meant it . " Fine let 's go then . " I gave in , maybe rest wouldn 't be as bad as it seemed . We checked into a newly built Inn that had been built about a year ago here for the miners . Yuffie and myself walked to our room . Yuffie plopped herself on the bed closest to the window as I took the bed near the door . " Now go to sleep , then tomorrow we find spike and beat em up for making you worry . " She said trying to make me feel better I guess . " Should you call Cid and tell him that we are not going to be at Midgar ? " I asked her , but she shook her head . " Na , he can figure it out for himself . " She said as she laid down on the bed . I sat down on the bed and laid down as well . I just stared at the ceiling , a million thoughts ran in my mind , is Cloud ok , why didn 't he tell me what was wrong , does he even want to see me ? I heard a snore coming from the bed beside mine and looked over a Yuffie , who had fallen asleep already . I glanced at the clock on the bed stand between our beds . It read 10 : 30 at night . I decided maybe it could hurt if I closed my eyes . As soon as I did , I fell into sleep . I sprang from my bed in sweat and I rang a hand through my hair . The nightmare came back again . It always started the same and always ended the same . I never had it every night , it only started two weeks ago . That was when I had called Barret to tell me where Cloud was . I need to make sure what happened in that dream does not happen in real life . I looked over a Yuffie , who was still asleep and had her arms wrapped around her knees shivering . I got up and took the blanket from off my bed and placed it on her . I can wait until morning to go . I need to leave now . I looked at Yuffie wondering if I should leave a note for her , but I had my PHS with me I could call her later . I exited the door and out of the Inn . It was so quiet and peaceful out here . I checked my pocket to make sure I had a Lunar Harp with me before entering the Sleeping Forest . Once I saw I had it I entered through the forest . I could hear crickets chirping away and an owl that was perched in a try hooting . It was so dark in there I could hardly make out the ground . I pulled out a materia , not caring which one it was as long as it glowed . I grabbed a red summon one . It shined through the trees making it easy for me to see . After a bit of walking I had finally reached the City of the Ancients . As I walked down the long path , I looked at the surroundings around this area . It was quite beautiful . Last time when we were all here I never remember seeing it like this . I finally reached the end of the path and saw the lake where Aeris body was placed in . However , there was something there , like a body lying face down . I ran over to it , my heart thumping as soon as I saw that the person had spiky blonde hair . " Cloud ! " I yelled hoping he would turn over . When I reached him , I turned him over to see that he was unconscious and had a deep cut long his chest . It didn 't look that deep and it wasn 't as long as the one Sephiroth had given to me years back in the Mako reactor . " Cloud ! " I tried again and shook him . I felt his pulse , thank god it was still beating . He started to squint a bit before opening his mako blue eyes slowly . He looked at me . " Aer . . . Tifa ? " He said to me . I knew at first he wanted to say Aeris . I began to feel a bit of my heart break , but I did my best not to let it show . " Cloud . " I said as I hugged him , I could feel him wrap an arm around my back to hug me too . He started to squint a bit before opening his mako blue eyes slowly . He looked at me . " Aer . . . Tifa ? " He said to me . I knew at first he wanted to say Aeris . I began to feel a bit of my heart break , but I did my best not to let it show . " Cloud . " I said as I hugged him , I could feel him wrap an arm around my back to hug me too . " What happened to you ? I was so worried . " I told him as I sat back up . He just shook his head at me and didn 't reply . " Cloud , answer me ! " I demanded . I was not going to just let him brush me off . I needed to know what was going on here . " I remember having this dream that these men came and started destroying the planet just to resurrect Sephiroth . I thought at first it was only a dream , but then when I saw them I knew it was true . " He looked up at me . " I found them here . I heard some of their plans then they heard me and attacked . The last thing I remember them saying was . We shall let you live for now , brother . ' then I blacked out . " He told me . They must be playing with his mind . Whoever these people are will pay . Then I remembered what the man in Midgar had said . He was looking for Cloud . No , it couldn 't have been the same men . Should I tell him ? Maybe later , first I have to make sure that cut doesn 't get infected . I saw him try to sit up a bit more , but then he stopped from the pain must have kicked in . I looked around , I needed something that would cover the wound . I looked down and tore the bottom part of my long skirt . Now it was only up to my knees . I placed a hand on him to signal him to lie back down . " I 'll be fine . " I hear him mumble , trying to hide the pain . " Can you undo your shirt so I can get a better look at the cut ? " I ask him . I felt so awkward asking it . He didn 't argue back with me , he unzipped his shirt so I could get a better look at the wound . It didn 't look good . It wasn 't bleeding everywhere , but it looked like it was pretty deep . I looked over at the pond and thought that maybe I should dip the cloth in there so it help clean the area . But there is a chance there could be some bacteria in there and would infect it more , so I guess maybe I 'll just have to settle for just wrapping this around him until we can get better help . I placed the cloth across the wound and asked him to lean forward a bit so I could get it around his back . He sat up again slowly , as I quickly placed the cloth around and then told him to lean back down . I tied it to his side . The wound didn 't seem to be bothering him when I placed it around . I got to get him out of here . I then got interrupted when I heard my PHS starts to ring . Cloud looks at me , waiting for me to answer it . I pick up the phone . " Hello ? " I ask into it , waiting for a reply . " Tifa ? Where have you been girl ? I just called Yuffie and she said you weren 't there ! " I heard Barret 's voice come from the other end of the phone . He didn 't sound happy at all . " Sorry , I just didn 't want to stay . " I said into the phone . I look over to Cloud and whisper to him who is on the phone to end his curiousity . " Tifa , you gotta get back to Midgar . Something big is happenin down there . Reeve called me and told me that these creatures were roaming the area , first I thought he was full of shit . Then we came and these things I don 't know what the hell they are , but they gotta be taken out . We need help over here . Vincent and Red are here helpin me . Cid went to go get Yuffie from a Inn . Where are ya at ? " He asked after explaining all that to me . " I am near Ancient City , I found Cloud . " I told him . My heart almost skipped a beat . I finally found him , but now is the tricky part , making sure he stays alive . I had never seen him this injured before , usually whenever he got a cut or stab he would get back up and fight , but this I didn 't know what to think . It is almost as if he is getting weaker . No , that can 't be true . " I 'll call Cid to come pick ya guys up , and tell spike he has a lot of explainin to do when this is over . " Barret said before he hung up . I hung up the phone and looked over at Cloud , who had his eyes closed . At first I thought something might have happened , but when I saw his chest move up and down I knew he was fine . " Barret 's still the same . " He says , not opening his eyes . I smile , Barret never changed and probably never would . Sure he may act like a big tough guy , but in the inside he acts just like a kitten . " Yeah , still the same . " I looked over at him . I never noticed before , but he had a sleeve on one arm and not on the other . Probably a new fashion for him I guess . " Cid 's on his way here . Barret said there are these creatures that appeared in Midgar , I guess they are up to no good . It 's odd . I was just in Midgar not to long ago . Must of just arrived . " I told him . I wrapped my arms around my knees . It looked as if he was about to say something , but he just opened his eyes really wide and turned to his side and started coughing . " Cloud ? " I ask as I sit on my knees to see over his form . He was coughing into his sleeve , it is hard to tell if it was just some liquid he had or , not it couldn 't be I am not going to even think that . " I am coughs fine . " He said to me , but I can clearly see that he isn 't . What is wrong with him ? My thoughts were then interrupted when I heard a airship landing near by . Cid was finally here . Well at least now Cloud can get the wound treated . " Tifa , Cloud , where the hell have you two been ! " I hear Cid shouting . I see his form and another one shorter walking next to him . " You abandoned me at the Inn ! I was worried , I thought you went out and got killed . Well you did the going on your own part , but if you got killed I would have been so pissed . " Yuffie scolds at me . I really shouldn 't have left her behind , but I couldn 't ignore my dream I had of something bad happening to Cloud . Something bad did happen , but this is nothing compared to what I saw . " I am sorry , Yuffie . " I apologize to the young ninja . She tells me that it is okay and starts saying some other stuff , but I am too busy watching Cid help up Cloud to pay attention . I get up and walk beside them . I touch his arm to try and tell him it will be alright , but he flinches and pulls his arm back in pain . Maybe I am getting in the way . I bow my head and look ashamed . Yuffie is now following Cloud and Cid back to the Highwind . I looked down at my hand where I touched Cloud 's arm . I can see through the lights of the Highwind there is a crimson liquid on my hands . " Blood . " I whisper then look back at Cloud , who was now going onto the airship . This may not be the exact same thing as what happened in my nightmare , but it looks like it is starting to come true . I watched as one of the medical men on the Highwind began to wrap a bandage around Cloud 's wound after they had stitched it up . Now we are going to Midgar to join the others in the fight against some creatures . I don 't think it would be good for Cloud to join in the fight . He is injured already . I know if I tell him to not go he will argue with me . He is so stubborn . I sigh as I look out the window and down at the water we are passing over , we should be there pretty soon . I can hear Yuffie in the background making puking noises . I just don 't know what to do about Cloud . The enemy will have the advantage over him . The medical man is now done bandaging up Cloud . He is now zipping up his shirt . He really should wearing something else that one is torn . This is just great , now there is land instead of water meaning we should be there within a minute now . Maybe since I can not stop him from fighting , I can maybe just keep an eye on him during the fight . That way if he is any trouble , I can go help him , yeah that 's what I will do . I can feel the Highwind begin to drop in the air . I hold onto the ledge of the window to keep my balance . Looks like Yuffie finally threw up in the trash can , poor girl . The door to the medical room opens and Cid now walks in . Yuffie begins to walk wobbly out of the room , followed by Cloud and myself . All four of us waited for the door to open up so we could proceed to the outside . I stared in horror of what was before my eyes . When we had left Midgar it looked terrible , but now there were these creatures that were roaming around , they reminded me of Red except all black and had spikes coming out of their back . " You guys ready ? " Cloud turned to the three of us . I don 't think I have ever felt more determined before . This use to be my home and now these things have taken over it . From where we were standing it was visible where Barret , Vincent , and Red were at , from all the gun shots and creatures getting flung in the air . We started walking to the site , some of the creatures spotted us and charged our way . Cloud drew his sword in front of him , Cid got out the Venus Gospel , and Yuffie stood in a fighting stance with her ninja stars drawn in front of her . There were about ten of them , I held my fists in front of me ready to defend myself if needed . One of them ran and leap in the air at Cid , but Yuffie shot it down , making the creature howl in pain before falling dead or at least I hope it is dead . More started to move our way , but something silver caught my eye from the corner . It was a man with silver hair that fell to his shoulders . It really disturbed me , it looked similar to the one that attacked me here earlier . Cloud I am guessing noticed him too , because he started walking through the crowd of creatures and heading right for him as the man did the same . It frightened me , should I stay to help Cid and Yuffie or help Cloud . I decided right now at the moment Cloud could hold his own , Cid and Yuffie were in more need of help than himself . I turned to help my friends , kicking a creature that was sneaking up on Yuffie . She thanked me and continued to fight . I hadn 't noticed that the others had been fighting their way over to us . It wasn 't just Barret , Vincent , and Red , but also Reno , Elena , and Rude had joined the fight as well . " Come on , let 's take out the fuckin ' trash ! " I could hear Barret yell over the fight . Vincent , Barret , and Red had been holding up very well , I didn 't even see one scratch on any of them . The creatures were actually not that hard to beat at all . I had kicked just another one , the thing cried in pain before disappearing into the earth . I don 't know if they are going to retaliate and come back as a bigger creature , but it didn 't look like it . " Ha , this fight was nothing . " Yuffie laughed as she killed another one . I couldn 't believe it , these things were so sensitive . When we came there had to be like only eighty left , now we were down to fifteen . The two that had it is the easiest were Vincent and Barret . One shot from either of the two men and the creature was dead , for me I had to kick and punch it a few times and then it would finally give up . I sighed in relief , this wasn 't as bad as I imagined it . I turned back in the direction I saw Cloud run off to , to find he was not there . I began to running towards the direction , I don 't know if anyone noticed that I had left or not . I really didn 't care . I ran through the deserted streets of old Midgar to find myself in front of Aeris 's church once again . Maybe they had taken the fight in there , only one way to find out . I ran into the building and found no one there from what my eyes were telling me , but my ears were telling me something else . I could hear swords smashing against each other . I ran to try and find the source of the noise . I found myself in the middle of the church near the flower bed . The fighting had stopped , I didn 't know if that was good or bad . I began walking slowly , trying to not make any noise . When I heard foot steps coming from the upstairs . I could feel myself go numb , please be Cloud , please be Cloud . I repeated to myself as I waited for whoever it was that would emerge . I felt relieved when I saw his blonde spiky hair come into view . A smile spread across my face . However , he did not look happy to see me . He raised his sword in my direction . " Get the hell away from her ! " I heard him yell at me . I was in lose of words , what was he talking about ? The wave of confusion disappeared when a hand came across my mouth and brought my back into the owners body . " What 's the matter Strife , afraid of losing another . " A man shouted from behind me . I recognized that voice , this was the same man I fought here before . Cloud started moving our way , but the man only held me closer , using me as a shield . " As you wish . " I heard the man say , I didn 't like the sound of his voice . There was no way he was going to let me go , knowing Cloud was going to kill him when I was out of the way . Or maybe he was stronger than the other silver man that he fought earlier . Why did I have to be so stupid I fell into a trap , if I was not here then Cloud would be able to fight the man without having someone in the way . He then released his hand around my mouth and let me go . I didn 't get it , what was the catch ? It was then I started to feel something coming up inside my throat . I looked back at Cloud and he looked horrified , I didn 't get what was wrong . Until I looked down . The man had run his sword right through me . It was then I started feeling all the pain from the wound . The man then put his hand on my back and shoved me off his sword . I cried in pain as I hit the ground . I could see the anger in Cloud 's face as he rushed at the silver haired man . I could feel myself begin to lose consciousness , but I tried to refuse giving into it . I needed to make sure Cloud was going to be okay . But my body refused my wish as my vision went white . I finally opened my eyes then later , I saw a flower in my line of vision and stared at it . I felt my head perched up on something . I remembered being stabbed with the sword and then that was it . Cloud ! My thoughts immediately went to him . I tried to get up , but a hand stopped me . " It 's alright Tifa . " I heard Cloud 's voice reassure me . I looked up to see his handsome facing starring down at me , stroking my head . I noticed that little bits of green were floating in the air around us . What were they ? They reminded me of the Lifestream . " It 's healing you . " He explained to me . " Red gave a prayer to the Planet to help heal , it appears it has answered . " He smiled down at me . I noticed that the little green things were surrounding him in his wounded area as well as his arm . " From what I understand of it . During the battle between me and Sephiroth , before he died he left a curse on me . I didn 't want to tell you about it so I left . That was when I encountered Loz , Yazoo , and Kadja , who were clones of Sephiroth out to revive him . They failed at that . " He smiled down at me . I couldn 't help but relax finally . He was safe . " So what happens now ? " I ask him as I sit up slowly , feeling better already . He shrugged at me . " Not sure , I have no where to go . I was actually kinda hoping you could stay with you , if you didn 't mind of course . " He said to me , his blue eyes locking mine . " Sure ! " I told him excitedly . I would love for him to stay with me , it is what I have dreamed of . He smiled back at me . He then leaned closer to me , was he going to whisper something to me ? What he did caught me off guard . He kissed me . I wrapped his arms around my waist to pull me closer to him . When he kissed me I was in total shock , but did not refuse the kiss , I kissed him back . I wrapped my arms around his neck . In the background I heard a big " Aww . " I heard Yuffie , Cid , Barret , Red , and Vincent all say . I turned around to them and smiled . It was good to see they were all safe as well . Cloud stood up and helped me up as well . " Come on , let 's go home . " He said as he wrapped his arm around me and led me out of the church . I can 't believe it , I never thought in a million years he would have feelings for me . Apparently I was wrong . I lean my head against his strong chest as we walk . Finally things were going to be better . |
Posted on December 23 , 2012 by nickwale 3 A few days ago I was looking for an interview that really interested me . I had just finished an great interview with Tom Blubaugh and needed something special to continue with . An open call on several Facebook pages brought a huge amount of material . I found myself reading some very interesting interviews with some very interesting people - then I received an email from Eve . I knew this one had to have precedence over all others . Thank you , Eve ! A ) I am just launching it to ' the public , ' so I can 't really say . I had about a dozen people read my manuscript before I went over it a few times with an editor . The responses have been wonderful ! Of course , they are friends , or at least acquaintances , but I would hope they weren 't giving false praise and then sending me out into the world to fall flat on my face . One of the best compliments came from my editor . One her third pass through , she said she was still enjoying it , even though she knew the story by heart at that point ! A ) It 's hard for me to sum it up in a line or two , because there are many layers to it . It 's life , which doesn 't always follow the same neatly laid - out plot that you find in fiction . There is a definite story arc that develops as I examine the chain of events that lead me into the business . Thinking it a temporary measure to escape an abusive relationship , I ended up getting stuck in it for ten years . It wasn 't all bad . I actually had a love / hate relationship with stripping . I took a rather unconventional approach to exit the business , following my instincts instead of any ' How to Forge a New Career ' manuals . The book weaves memories of my days and nights in the clubs with events in my personal life , and illustrates how they played off of each other . So , like life , it has romance , lust , sex , violence , humor , and a few colorful expletives . Also , though metaphysics is not the main focus , my story is sprinkled with references to The I Ching , spiritual epiphanies , ghostly visitations , and my Wiccan / Pagan path . One thing I took a big chance on was my method of telling the story . I created an author , named Stella Mars , who interviews me to help me write the book . So Stella , her house , parlor , and tape recorder are fictive elements , but the story I am telling her is the true story of the events that happened , and my reflections on them . So far , everyone who has read it says the format works . Some will like it and others may not , but it 's what I needed to do to get the story out . A ) I need quiet . Maybe some new - agey instrumental stuff would be okay , but if there are lyrics , I will get distracted . I 've always been lured by the words , the poetry , in music . I like to have a good block of time , two to three hours , where I know I won 't be interrupted . The first time I sat down to write this book , I stopped after I thought twenty minutes had passed . I was shocked to find it was three hours ! That 's when I knew I loved writing . I was in a zone . It 's not always like that , as you other ' zoners ' know ! Q ) What drives you as a writer ? A ) I am at my best when I can be creative . It has manifested many ways in my life , most recently through the medium of writing . I have been writing for years , but just journal entries , a poem here and there , and for business . Stephen King says never to write for the money . Not ever . ( Yeah , I know , easy for him . ) The need for an income stream , other than my husband 's recession - pelted business and my working - poor level jobs , was my initial boot - in - the - butt . Who knows if this book will be the magic that puts me back in the black , but at least it gives me Hope . And I love Hope . Yet , I get Mr . King 's point . If it felt as laborious and lung - choking as coal mining , I may as well get a pick - axe and start tunneling - at least it would pay right away . A ) One that takes me into a different world , and gives me something to reflect on in the process . It needs to have a good balance between description and action - too much or too little of either will bore me . I love when an author can use language in clever ways , turn a phrase that surprises and delights me , but doesn 't get so carried away with style that it takes me out of the story . Q ) Who is your favourite author ? A ) " Besides me ? " ( she replied with a wry grin ) . But seriously , what a hard question to answer ! So many to choose from . I will name Marion Zimmer Bradley , for her wonderful , magical treatment of the Arthurian Legend . It was brilliant to tell it from the eyes of the women of Camelot , and show them as wielding power and moving events from ' behind the scenes ' . She also knows her stuff about the Old Religion , and thus adds a touch of authenticity when she writes about Magick that I find lacking in the typical portrayals . The Mists of Avalon was one of those rare books that had me aching to find more reading time . Q ) Where can people buy your work ? A ) On Amazon right now , more venues to come . The e - Book is already there . One of the things on today 's ' to do ' list was to give the print copy one more scan before we put it up for sale . So , within a couple of days it will join the e - Book : CELESTIAL BODIES IN ORBIT : Memoirs of the Unknown Stripper ( Paperback ) A ) Harry Potter . A far cry from Celestial Bodies in Orbit , but it would have been nice to write something the kiddies could read . Not to mention the success it has had . No , we won 't mention that . No , thank you , Eve ! It has been fantastic to work with you and hear about your book . I will certainly be picking a copy up ! I think Eve deserves every credit for writing a book that deals with something that so many shy away from . All those girls working in joints and clubs deserve credit . It 's a hard life and I am glad someone has written something positive about it . Rose had been married to a man who beat her daily , both physically and psychologically . She became dependant on her abuser and when he dies , she has no way to cope . She falls into a deep depression fuelled by years of anger and estrangement . When Nick is a young boy of age seven , still reeling from the death of his father , he becomes subject to Rose 's anger at the world . At first he just accepts the abuse , but then he learns to cope with it . As he grows older , Rose insists he become her constant companion and surrogate husband , to the detriment of his own development . He wants to make his mother better , and at the same time he is fighting hard to survive the race - the race for his own identity and freedom . " The Rose Amongst the Thorns " is the true story of three people and their will to survive and ultimately thrive as a family unit . What will they do when they find themselves thrown together ? How will they manage ? I awoke to the sound of my father making breakfast , the normal daily occurrences happening all around me . My feet crept out from under the heavy blankets to find the floor - the cold hard floor . I had forgotten what I had heard the night before . There was not much to remember , some cries and sobs . That 's all . I wandered out of my parents ' large bedroom and stepped into the small , steep stairwell that led downstairs . My father was still busy with his morning routine , but my mother wasn 't heard . I crept down the stairs , one by one and finally reached the bottom of the mountain . Slowly , I opened the door leading to the kitchen . My father stood at the table , still placing table mats and cutlery . Humming a happy tune , probably something he had heard on a jazz record , he looked up at me . There was no smile , no storm or tempest . The look was cold and his finger pointed towards the cereal he now poured into a bowl . I looked for my mother , she sat cowered in a corner chair . Her face , I saw it in its morning glory . The black and blue bruises mingled with her pale English rose complexion . I did not ask her what happened , for I knew . My father might have forgotten but she hadn 't . She wore the scars and those same scars turned her into the person she became later on . The village closest to our house could have been any small English town . Everyone had secrets . The drug - addicted chemist who neglected his duty , the bank manager who slowly fiddled the books to push money into his own coffers , the pious woman on the church board who was having an affair with two of her neighbour 's husbands . The village kept its secrets close to its hard boiled breast . I grew up learning that a smile was not necessarily kind and a cry of anger did not mean that a wrong had been committed . I knew that something was amiss everytime I saw an unguarded moment from the citizens . Eyes looked cold and lonely . Faces long and drawn . I could see the terror held by so many at the thought that their own problems might become the next ' red hot ' talking point . The age of miracles and the wonders of technology had not yet made itself known to the place I grew up and called home . Dances were still popular and school was still indebted to the class system . The Labour government of 1997 had not yet swept to power . I grew up in a hive of Conservatism , and I knew of nothing else . My father was staunchly Conservative , and my mother was told how to vote . She did , however , assert herself at times ; she would take pity on the Liberals . My father , always angry at this , would chide about the poor performance of the party at every election . It was not common to see a debate in our house . As in most English households of that era , my father 's word was law . The village was beautiful , outsiders found it to be a haven from the busy cities and towns littering the country . History once had been made in the area , wars won and crowns lost . Nobility still survived in the town and the Great Hall lay monument to its impressive past . Even the secrets could not take away from the grandeur of the place . The car pulled into the car park , nestled close to the war memorial in the main square . I stared out of the window and saw its huge mass as it lay a dark shadow over the cobblestones . My mother stepped out of the vehicle to do her daily shopping . I can only imagine the embarrassment she must have felt , her face bruised and bloated from her long night . She gazed at me and tried to smile . I smiled back as best I could and stepped out of the car and stood beside her . My hand reached up for the comfort of her own . There was nothing said , just a general knowledge that my mother would be the next discussion point at coffee mornings . My father , generally known as a great man , would not lose any of his stature . The villagers would blame my mother and she would be seen as a failed wife and mother . Her punishment already delivered and the embarrassment of carrying the scars would be considered an apt display of a husband 's right to beat his wife . Nobody would stand up for her , she knew that . The village would stare , point and scold her for his actions . We walked into the post office and I could feel the eyes of the town glaring at us . I could hear the whispers . I could hear them muttering to themselves and I am sure my mother could , too . This had not been the first beating , and would not be the last . It was just another morning of humiliation in our fair village . We managed to do our shopping in relative peace and headed home . The world was still turning . I looked up at my mother , her bruises still blue and ugly . The car pulled into a drive , not ours . This was the home of my mother 's adopted mother , Mrs Agatha . Her bungalow was out of town and she lived the rural way she had always known . There were no mod cons here , just a small bungalow and the land owner 's home across from her abode . The car stopped outside her house and she stepped out . I followed , the gravel under my feet crunching as I followed her into the dingy property . The décor was a mix of the old world and the older world . Clean , but smelling strongly of cheap cigarettes - I close my eyes now and still smell it . There she sat , in her small kitchen , her cup in her hand and cigarette in the ashtray balancing on her leg . My parents had lived in the bungalow across from her once . My mother had met Mrs Agatha a long time ago , and they had become fast friends . She smiled as she saw my mother walk into the room . " Nicholas had a nightmare and came in wanting a cuddle . I let him get into bed with us . He was terribly shaken up , " my mother 's voice broke with emotion . I had indeed had a nightmare . A ten - foot spider , or maybe Godzilla , had been chasing me . All I remember is that I was petrified and wanted to curl up with her and feel safe . Apparently , I had done something wrong . " I 've never seen him so angry , Agatha . I don 't know who he is anymore , " she was crying now . " He always wanted a child . I don 't know why he hates Nicholas so . " " I 've known Thomas a long time , Rose . I always thought he was incredibly selfish , " Mrs Agatha said , her voice saddened by my mother 's story . " He acts the big man , but he 's very insecure , I think . " " I know he is , Agatha , " my mother said , her voice stronger now . " I do everything I can to please him , but nothing is enough . He doesn 't even think Nicholas is his . " I collected the biscuits and brought them back into the lounge , sitting myself on the floor next to my mother . I wanted to comfort her . I wanted to be someone different - someone my father would love and approve of . I wanted to disappear . That night my mother was late picking up from work the man I had been encouraged to call Daddy . She had been caught behind a slow moving tractor . Edgy and tense , she tried to pass . No opportunity presented itself . I sat in the back . We watched as he walked out of work , still laughing from a joke one of his friends had told him . He drove steadily back home . I didn 't utter a word . Finally , we pulled into our familiar driveway . The sky darkened as our car headed toward the house . It looked cold and uninviting , but I knew that within an hour my mother would have it warm . There would be a fire burning in the lounge fireplace and warm food would be presented to my father . The food would have to be made within half an hour of his return . That was his mandate . If she ever passed that mark then he wouldn 't eat it . If he didn 't eat , then there would be a beating . Daddy had eaten dinner and now sat watching television . I sat still on the sofa reading a book . My mother sat silently , waiting for the next order from my father . My mother did not say anything . She jumped and ran off to get him the sandwich . My father looked at me and smiled . I was too young to know how sadistic he was , but I knew I had to fear him and not to underestimate him . My mother returned with the bacon sandwich . She walked slowly towards my father who sat still . Suddenly , he pointed towards the table on the other side of his chair . My mother moved in front of him and he tripped her up , she fell and the sandwich fell onto the floor . My father stood up and kicked the plate away . My mother tried to push herself up , but had winded herself . I watched my poor mother try to pick herself up . My father watched as she finally managed to get on her feet . I wanted to help , but fear overtook my body . I sat still and ended up staring at the ground . I hated him . My father was in pain . We all knew that he had problems with his back . Years of hard labour had taken their toll on his body , although he was still a fine figure of a man . He was ageing quickly , however . Nobody would have thought that his ailments would be caused by a disease . My mother wanted him to go and see a doctor . He did not want to , he made that clear . His answer was to take handful after handful of paracetamol to control the pain . It worked , at first . Motor Neurone Disease is a very under - publicised condition . My father didn 't know he had it . Then when he was finally diagnosed he refuted it , but eventually , he had no choice but to give into it . The anger he felt was displayed with every punch , kick or snarly remark . I felt lost , abused and lonely . My own father denied that I was his . I was , I knew that I was his child . Ever since one of his friends had jokingly told him that I could be someone else 's , my father had taken it to heart that I wasn 't . My mother took several beatings over his insecurity . My mother would cry , and try to defend herself . She knew that the end result would always be the same . The beating would be systematic . I felt so sorry for her . I wished nightly I could do more for her . The secret of his illness did not take long to infect the village . Everyone knew that he was dying . I knew it , before I was meant to know . One old woman came up to me in the middle of the village store . " I hear your father is dying , " she said , hoping for some juicy gossip or perhaps details of his ailment . I can see her face now , she was wrinkled . So wrinkled , old and broken down . I had nothing to say , what could I say ? The only thing I knew about death was that I knew Elvis was dead , and something about Princess Diana that I had heard on the TV . I was not told what death was . We arrived home and I helped to carry the groceries inside . The house was warm and ready for a night in the cold country air . We entered the house and my father sat there in front of the fire . By this time , he was in a wheelchair . The vibes were angry . My mother tried to ignore the atmosphere . I moved too close and he lunged at me with his pick - up stick . I managed to elude its blow . My mother was having a hard time coping , but she managed . There was not one person in the village , the almighty village , that offered to help her . My father fell over a couple of times as his strength continued to fail , and she could not lift him . She struggled , and finally managed to get him up and onto the toilet seat . By this time , his legs were gone . The disease was taking its hardest toll . He lashed out at her and many blows found their way to her body . Yet , even with all the abuse he had thrown at her she never once stopped caring for him , looking after him . I was never once neglected , I was always fed and loved . Something inside of her died though , she became tough and uncaring . The world had shown her that she was on her own . This woman was on twenty - four hour call to look after my father . He stabilized and came home for a while . Nurses and doctors came every day to see how he was doing . Never once did any of them consider the way my mother felt . She was stuck with the stress of a young boy and an ill husband . The worst times were at night . We could hear him downstairs , his breathing laboured and heavy . She would stay awake all night listening to him breathing , hoping that he would make the night . Sometimes she would try to read me a bedtime story , but he would scream up the stairs . She phoned her friend , a local doctor , who intervened . The problem was solved . I remained at home with my mother , and my father went back to the hospice . Soon thereafter , I had just come back from a school trip . Surprisingly , my mother did not come to collect me from school as she normally did . She sent one of her few friends from the village . I had no idea what I was doing here . This lady was kind and comforting , but I longed to see my mother again . I wanted her to tell me that things would be alright . I felt panic rising in my gut . Hours passed , darkness fell , and I wondered what was going on . No one explained . I thanked the lady for giving me a home for a few hours . Wayne looked down and smiled at me . There was something odd about how he looked at me , too . Something was wrong . I didn 't know it then , but my life would be changed forever . " Lori , this is Dr . Tanner again . It 's urgent that I speak with you . Please call me as soon as you receive this message ! " At the same time I was listening to the messages , I had opened my email . There was an email marked urgent , also from Dr . Tanner , giving me both her office number and cell number and asking me to contact her immediately . Whenever the doctor gives you her personal cell number , you know it 's not good . During the previous year , I started noticing I was becoming somewhat unstable on my feet . I was twisting my ankles frequently and stumbling up and down stairs . I put it down to fatigue and just general klutziness , although I 'd never been that way before . In September , I was in the yard after having taken care of the chickens and on my way back to the house I fell . Hard . I had my hands full with some flower pots and I stumbled and went down like a ton of bricks . At this time , I was also very heavy - 290 pounds or so - and that 's a lot of dead weight to have strike the ground . I literally landed on my face as the flower pots went flying yards away . I had gravel rash on my face and my knees and elbows were banged up . I shook it off and came into the house to sit down and ice my twisted ankle . I put it down to the general klutziness I had been experiencing more and more frequently . A few days later , I developed a headache . I shrugged it off as a delayed reaction to the fall and I took some Tylenol . After a week or so of no relief , I made a doctor 's appointment . I had no insurance and not a lot of money coming in , so this was a big decision . My doctor suggested I had incurred whiplash from the fall and recommended a chiropractor . Again , not being covered by insurance , chiropractic visits would need to come out of my ever - shrinking bank account . I saw the chiropractor twice and had no results ; in fact , my headaches were getting worse . Surely , it must have been trauma from that fall and if I was careful , it would resolve on its own . My doctor had given me a prescription for Vicodin which I was taking regularly with limited relief . Around the same time , I received an email from an astute , young Englishman who wanted to know more about the American healthcare system . I had been commenting on a political page on the internet and something I said piqued his interest . I felt quite passionately about the subject at the time - I had suffered this persistent headache for several weeks by this time , but due to my financial circumstances , I was resisting returning to the doctor . We had several email exchanges and there was something about this guy that fascinated me . He was highly intelligent and well spoken , and he had this hunger for knowledge and general curiosity which I really appreciated . His emails frequently started , " Tell me more about … . " and he eagerly absorbed the information I gave him and formulated more hypotheses and potential political solutions . Not only was he intelligent and friendly , he was incredibly respectful and polite . I liked him . I really liked him . When I discovered early on he was only twenty - two years old , I kept my feelings at arm 's length and intended to take him under my wing as an adopted younger brother . As I was to discover , my growing feelings were not to be kept at bay , however . My headaches continued and were becoming more than just annoying . I was popping Vicodin like M & Ms especially at night to help me sleep and dull the pounding . Over several weeks , I noticed I had to stop cross stitching , my favorite hobby , because my eyes were becoming very fatigued and I couldn 't see well , even with the help of reading glasses . I put it down to the pain of the headaches causing discomfort in my eyes . What I didn 't realize is my vision was beginning to fail . As October became November , I was chatting daily to Nick online . It became a habit and I began to anticipate seeing him sign into chat . When I saw " Nick is online " pop up on my screen and heard the ding of the notification , I always smiled and got that giddy butterfly tummy feeling . I felt like a silly high school girl again . I realized my feelings for him were deepening , but I continued to view him as a young man to whom I could impart my wisdom ( such as it is ) and guide on the path of life . I was still married , afterall , despite feeling it was in name only . We continued to talk politics and public policy and he educated me on British politics , of which I was completely ignorant . He slowly gave me some details about his life . He portrayed himself as a happy - go - lucky chap without a real care in the world . November passed relatively uneventfully , except the daily headaches were starting to take a toll on my sanity and my vision continued to decline . My Vicodin use was approaching Dr . House - like levels . I looked so forward to my daily conversations with Nick . They became the bright spot in my day , and I complained to him about how badly I was feeling and my frustration as to why this damn headache wasn 't going away . " Lori , this has been going on for too long . Why don 't you go back to the doctor ? I think something might really be wrong . " I could feel his concern coming through the chat window . " I 'm sure it 's nothing , Nick , " I said , sweeping my own concern under the carpet in my denial of what I really thought was going on . " It has to go away sooner or later . Anyway , you know this isn 't England . We don 't have free NHS like you lucky buggers over there . " " See ? Why don 't you look into it ? " he prodded . " I hate hearing you feeling so down . It 's no fun being ill . Besides , you haven 't been yourself . " Even in a few short weeks of chatting , he could see a marked difference in me . My most disappointing days were when I was in too much pain or my vision was too bad to actually sit at the computer . I retired to bed with a cloth over my eyes and my Vicodin bottle … . and missed him . Unlike Gene , he seemed to really care . The beginning of December came and I was still in daily , increasing pain , my vision was getting worse , and my balance was being affected . I realized it when I was walking from the computer room into the kitchen , a journey of about seventy - five feet , and I got so dizzy I walked into the wall . I thought it was because I hadn 't eaten much - afterall , I was going into the kitchen because I was hungry ! The dizziness waned that day , but continued to worsen in duration and severity over the next few weeks . About two weeks before Christmas I woke up from sleep and felt absolutely dreadful . The moment I moved from a supine position , I felt instantly and overwhelmingly nauseous . I barely made it to the toilet before wretching . Of course , the action of vomiting felt like it split my head wide open . " Great , I have the flu on top of all this , " I thought . As much as I wanted to deny it , a niggling reality would not be ignored . " I want a divorce ! I want a divorce ! " he had screamed at me the night before . Things had been getting bad between us for a few years and I had let things slide the last few months due to not feeling well . The house was a mess , the laundry piling up , I didn 't cook like I used to . Sex had been out of the question . He couldn 't grasp I wasn 't just being lazy - I really felt seriously ill . He couldn 't , or wouldn 't , hear it . There was no quality communication between us anymore . Perhaps there really never had been . I vomited multiple times a day for several days , each time feeling like an axe was splitting my head open , trying to eat soup and saltines and make it all go away . After a week , I knew that I had to go back to the doctor . I made an appointment for the next day , still insistent I had the flu and just needed an anti - viral and of course , more Vicodin . I couldn 't walk on my own from the car to the doctor 's office . Remember how you felt as a kid after spinning around and trying to walk ? Add the worst migraine you can imagine and that was close to how it felt . Gene , whom I had requested drive me , helped me into the office . Ah , yes , an MRI . I knew an MRI was in the cards and I had no idea how I would afford it . The coffers were approaching empty . We were already rationing food and eating our own chickens ' eggs as a staple . How do I get an MRI ? I came home and contacted a radiology center in a city about an hour away . " Hi , " I said casually . " I suspect I may have a brain tumor and I need an MRI but I have no insurance . What is your cash payment rate for a scan ? " A hardship grant ! One thing I can do is write a good letter , so I sat down with my aching head , my poor vision , my puking guts , and my now weakening right hand and typed up a letter detailing the history of my symptoms and our financial situation . I pleaded for help . I faxed it off and waited . " That 's good , isn 't it ? " he said . " But , I guess that means she thinks you have a problem ? " His concern and fear came through , even in a chat window . " I sent a letter to the radiology place . They might be able to get me a reduced price on the scan , " I explained . " Otherwise , it will be a fortune . " " I know . I wish you could , too , " I said . I wished I were in England for more than just an MRI . " I 'm sure they 'll come up with something . " " Anyway , I know it 's probably nothing serious , " I tried to reassure both of us . " I still wonder if I just knocked something out of whack with that fall a few months ago . " I knew that was bullshit . I wanted to reassure him that I would be fine , that it would be nothing and I 'd be right as rain soon . I don 't think I was too convincing , however . I felt his ( ( ( ( hugs ) ) ) ) through the chat window as if he was really there . I missed him . I wanted him there taking care of me since Gene was doing the bare minimum and grudgingly at that . I wanted Nick 's love . About two hours later , I received a phone call from the director of the radiology center . My hardship request had been approved at 100 % coverage . No payment required . Free ! ! She booked me in for an appointment the next morning . That morning , I woke up , did my now requisite wretching , and asked Gene to help me dress as I was so off balance I couldn 't even put on my jeans . He helped me and perhaps was now just realizing how bad off I really was . He had to put on and tie my shoes also as I couldn 't bend over because of the pain . I gathered my purse and a puke bag for the car - just in case . The hour drive down winding mountain roads , in a vehicle with hard suspension , just about did me in . I vomited several times before reaching the radiology center and was so wobbly when I arrived , I needed to take the elevator to the second floor . I was holding onto Gene for dear life as I couldn 't even stand on my own . The technician came to take me back for the MRI and fortunately he was a big guy as he needed to help me down the corridor and onto the table . As he helped me sit on the edge of the platform , I pitched forward because I was so dizzy . Thankfully , his 6 ' 2 ″ , very muscular frame kept me from ending up on the floor . I 'm not sure I could have gotten up if I had fallen over . As sick as I was , I was feeling very positive . I knew this would show the problem and everything would be OK . The MRI lasted thirty or forty minutes as I lay there , trying not to move . I knew the importance of clear pictures and I was determined , despite my dizziness and overwhelming nausea , to have a clear scan . It was another hour of the same winding , mountain roads on the way home , and while Gene was showing some compassion at this point and driving as gently as he could , I was still vomiting every ten minutes or so . I believe he really started to understand the gravity of my situation at this point . He became the Gene I used to know - loving and caring and concerned . It was a welcome change from the last few years of derision and belittlement I had felt from him , but I knew my heart was already elsewhere . It was too late . |
The old man walked down the dusty prairie trail . The grama grass and prickly pear cactus were just greening up after the long , cold winter . Old Soc was a tall man with a long , gray beard , and hair to match . He carried a shotgun in his hand and a tow sack filled with grub in the other one . He was headed for his claim , nine miles north of Ravanna , Kansas . Soc and his wife , Mary , had proven up on the land under the Homestead Act of 1862 , many years earlier . He still thought of the claim as his , even though he had given legal title to his son John after his wife Mary died . As he walked , his mind wandered back to his early life , and how he had been named Socrates Eurockledon Goodman when he was born in 1825 in Hart County , Kentucky . Soc was named after the great philosopher of ancient Greece , probably at the suggestion of William Richardson , a celebrated teacher of Latin , Greek and Hebrew , who was related to the Goodman family by marriage , and was also a resident of Hart Co . KY . He noticed how different the prairie looked from the hills of Kentucky . He loved the wide open spaces though and was not sorry he had moved west after the Civil War . Soc remembered the day he had married his wife , Mary , just before the war . She was a widow with two little girls . Mary 's youngest daughter was Sarah Huston ( Houston ) , and her older daughter was Sarah Sidebottom . Mary had been born in Hart County , too . Her maiden name was Reynolds , and they had lived near each other in Hart County as they were growing up . Her parents , Edward and Celia Reynolds , and Soc 's parents , Anselm and Nancy Goodman , and several other Reynolds and Goodman families were members of the Christ Church ( Baptist ) at Green River , and had been founding members at the new Boiling Springs Baptist Church at Spring Creek , near Munfordville , Hart Co . , KY . These families had known each other since before the Revolution in Bedford Co . , Virginia , where Matthias Reynolds and Martha Goodman were married by the Rev . John Goodman in 1788 . In 1850 , Celia Reynolds and her widowed daughter Mary Huston were living in Knoxville , IL , just a few houses away from George Goodman , who was Soc 's uncle , a son of Amos Goodman and his 2nd wife , Mourning Jones . George Goodman was a tailor . George 's wife was named Mary , and their children were : Rosaltha , Emmett , Angeline , John and George . Right next door to George Goodman 's family was that of Stiring Pond , his wife Louisa , and their children : Mariah , Thiaren , Edwin , and Volutio . A Mariah Pond was to later marry Zalamon Fenton , and their daughter , Estella , married John Anslem Goodman , son of Soc and Mary , but it is uncertain if this was the same Mariah Pond . Soc 's father , Anselm , was also in Knox Co . , listed as Anson Goodman , and was a merchant . His wife Nancy and their children William , Harriet and Cyrus were with them . However , Soc was not . He probably stayed in KY , with his grandfather or an uncle , when his father 's family moved to IL . George Goodman and his family returned to Hart Co . between 1850 and 1860 . Mary Reynolds ( Huston ) was supposedly half Indian , of the Shawnee tribe , but that fact did not bother him at all , so they were married . Other descendants of Mary 's parents , Edward and Celia Reynolds , deny any Indian ancestry or link . The Reynolds family was English , and the Fuqua family was French Huguenot . Mary was a few years older than Soc , although exactly how many is a mystery . She claimed to be 27 in the census 1850 , and was living in Knoxville , Knox Co . , IL with her mother , Celia Reynolds , daughter Sarah Huston , and younger brother Eli Loren Goodman , before she married Soc . Yet , Mary claimed to be 40 in the census of 1860 , right after she married Soc . Soc and Mary had five children . Nancy D . Goodman 's husband and issue are unknown . She may have died young . Cephes A . Goodman 's wife and children are unknown . He may have died young . Harriet Goodman married a man named Burnett and they had two children , Golda and Jack , who were childless . Cyrus Jeptha Goodman went hunting in Colorado , and they never saw him again . He may have found a wife in Colorado , as there is now an extensive Goodman family in Denver , that dates to about the same time . That left John Anslem , their youngest son , to carry on the Goodman name . According to tradition , the Goodman family were of the Catholic faith until they settled in Kansas . However , some members were also known to be Baptists in Hart Co . , so the Catholic faith may have been gradually abandoned starting from the mid - 1700s . They lived so far away from a church that they drifted away from the faith and never returned to the Church . The Catholicism was probably a legacy of Epharilla Thorpe Goodman , wife of John Goodman b . abt 1752 in VA . Epharilla was of Irish origin , and claimed to have been born on board the ship of that same name that brought her parents to America . John was born in 1860 , in Knox County IL . One year later , the Civil War started . At age 36 , Soc joined as a private in Division 31 of the IL Infantry . He fought in many of the famous battles , and marched from Atlanta to the sea under Capt . Wolcott , Co . D . , of the 31st Illinois , with Gen . Sherman . He was discharged June 13 , 1865 at Albany , NY ( per pension application , July , 1890 , # 884392 , Cet . 664687 ) . On his discharge papers , it states that he was an instructor of telegraphic with the War Department . He was glad he could go home again . About 1878 , Soc and Mary loaded up a covered wagon and joined a train going west . They settled first in Pratt Co . , KS , and in 1886 , they moved to Finney Co . , KS . They settled on a homestead near the Chisholm trail . This trail was named after Jesse Chisholm , the first man to bring a herd of long horned cattle from Texas to the railroad that ended at Dodge City . Dodge City was one of the wildest trail towns in Kansas then . It has been estimated that in 1871 alone , 2 , 000 , 000 head of Texas long horn cattle had come up that trail to Dodge . Soc closed his eyes and he could almost see those herds ; they were a mile wide coming up the trail . The dust almost hid the sun at times . He was awakened from his daydream when the small boy walking beside him shook his arm . " We are almost there Grandpa , I can see the old sod house . " he said . Soc glanced down at his grandson , Roy , who just loved to go with him to stay a few days at his old sod house . Roy was a sturdy boy with gray eyes and brown hair , he was a quiet lad , very sensitive for a boy . He had been very quiet while they were walking because , he knew his grandpa was thinking of the days gone by and would tell him about them later . He loved to hear the stories his grandpa told about the Civil War . The old man noticed the door was wide open , that worried him a little , nobody seemed to be around , however , so they walked on in . It was almost dark so they couldn 't see the rattlesnake buzzing in the corner ; the dirt floor was the color of the snake and it was hard to see . Roy wanted to kill the snake right then . His grandpa said it was too dark and they didn 't have a light , so they would leave it alone until morning . He knew the snake was too cold to move around much until then . Soc and Roy shook out the blankets on the bunk to make sure no snakes were sleeping in them and settled down to sleep until morning . Soc was up with the sun and killed the snake , just as he thought ; that rattlesnake hadn 't moved during the night . As the old man looked around , he noticed someone had been using the old house to live in . He had heard there were claim jumpers about , so he told Roy to keep a sharp lookout while he rustled up some flapjacks for breakfast . They were through eating when Roy saw two riders coming up the trail . His grandpa picked up the shotgun and went to stand beside him at the door . The men rode up to the house and stopped . They seemed surprised to see the old man and boy . Soc let them get a good look at his shotgun and said , " This is my house and this is my land , and unless you boys want to hear this shotgun roar , you both better get on down the trail , " The oldest of the men said , " We thought this was an abandoned claim . Since that isn 't the case we will , move on . " They touched their spurs to the horses , and were soon out of sight . They never were seen around those parts again . Down the trail at the John Goodman ranch , Zalamon Fenton sat under the tall cottonwood tree in the yard . He was glad " Old Soc " was gone for awhile . Now , maybe he could get some peace and quiet . They both lived with their children , John and Estella ; and it seemed like they were always getting into fights about the civil War . They had fought in many of the same battles , although they never knew each other at that time . Zalamon was John 's father - in - law and he was a crusty old gentleman . He was the father of sixteen children , besides Estella . Zalamon was born in Buffalo , New York , in 1826 . He and his first wife had four sons and two daughters . One of the daughters died as a baby . His first wife died and left him with five children to raise . Zalamon was lucky when he met Mariah Pond in 1865 , daughter of Stiring Pond of NY and his wife , Louisa , of VT . Mariah was 27 , having been born in 1838 in Ohio , and her family were neighbors of George and Mary Goodman in Knoxville , IL in 1850 . A year later , she said she would marry him , and be a mother to his little ones . She was twelve years younger than he was , and she was a pretty woman . Mariah aged before her time , taking care of his five , and bearing eleven more babies of her own , starting with Carrie in 1867 . Estella was the ninth of her children , born in 1875 , in McHenry County , Illinois , just south of Knox County . In the 1880 census , Zalamon and Mariah Fenton were in Centropolis , KS , with eight of his seventeen children . There , Mariah listed her age as 34 , when she was in fact 42 . The Fentons didn 't meet the Goodman family until they joined the wagon train going to Kansas . The children soon all became friends however . The two Goodman boys , John and Cyrus Jeptha , often came over to the wagon at night after the camping chores were done . While he sat and talked with her brothers , John held little Estella on his lap , she was still a baby then . The other boys would try to get him interested in the young girls . John would always shake his head and say , " I 'll wait until Estella grows up , and marry her . " That is Just what he did . He was thirty - three years old before she turned eighteen , and they were married in 1893 , in Garfield County , Kansas . When her family and friends teased her about marrying an old man , Estella always answered , " I would rather be an old man 's sweetheart than a young man 's slave . " She was half right anyway , John treated her like a sweetheart , but she had to work hard too . Note : The above oral account of how John and Estella met is unlikely , given the currently known facts . John & Estella probably did not meet until long after the Goodman 's arrived in KS . The Fentons were already in KS many years before the Goodmans left IL . In 1887 , Ravanna , Kansas was a prosperous town in Garfield County . That was the year of the voting for the county seat . The east side of the county wanted the town of Eminence to be county seat , and the west side was in favor of Ravanna for that honor . By the time elections were held , feelings ran so high that Bat Masterson and twenty of his deputies were sent from Dodge City to keep peace . There wasn 't any bloodshed during the elections , and Ravanna was voted the county seat . Later , after an investigation , the courts decided there had been vote fraud , and that Eminence had the rightful title to the county seat . Despite that , Ravanna would not give up the county records . By then they had built a nice stone court house for the county business . The men of Eminence sent a light rig pulled by two fast ponies to Ravanna late one evening to steal the records . Two men were in that rig , and John Goodman was one of those men . They seized the county records , and took them back to Eminence , followed by a hail of bullets . Neither of the men were hit , however . In the end , neither town was a county seat after all , because Garfield County was found to be too small to legally be a county seat , and it was taken into Finney County . Soon , Ravanna and Eminence were just ghost towns , remembered in the Kansas History books as two of the towns involved in the many small wars fought over county seats in the early days of statehood . As John waited for Estella to grow up , he built up a herd of cattle by picking up all of the baby calves he could find along the Chisholm trail . These calves were abandoned by the cowboys as too much trouble to fool with , and were left to die . John had a couple of milk cows , and he fed the little calves milk until they were able to eat grass . All of the cattle on his ranch were descended from these milk cows and the long horn calves he picked up . After they were married , John and Estella picked up old bleached buffalo bones that were left scattered all over the prairie . These bones were left by the buffalo hunters that killed buffalo for meat to feed the many railroad workers hired to lay track for the first railroad across our country . This is how Wild Bill Cody got his name , " Buffalo Bill " . He killed more buffalo than any of the other hunters . The bones were shipped east to be ground up and used as fertilizer . John and Estella sold enough to get money to pay the filing fee on a homestead of their own . This homestead joined the one Old Soc was proving up . It didn 't cost much to build a house . That first winter , the young couple lived in a dugout left by an earlier homesteader who had given up . In the spring , John built a large sod house . It was hard to cut the thick sod of the prairie into strips . After he had enough cut , John laid them up just like bricks . The only trees on his claim were slim cottonwoods down by the creek . These were cut to make a pole roof for the house . Sod was then piled on top to make it shed rain , almost all of it anyway . After a rainy period , all the soddies would have grass and flowers growing on top of the roof ! John even put in a wood floor . Most sod shanties did not have wood floors , but Estella wanted a floor . She was tired of the dirt floor in her parent 's soddy . John just couldn 't say , " No " to his new wife . In fact , he never did have the heart to deny her anything in his power to give her . He always told her , " All right , you have things your way now , and I 'll have my way when I am alone . " Later , the walls were white washed and strips of white muslin were fastened up to the ceiling , to keep the dirt and bugs from falling down on them . They raised seven children in that sod house . It was warm in winter and cool in the hot summers . Many homesteaders lived in dugouts and sod houses , until they had proved up on their claims . Then they tried to build a frame house . The older Goodman children were in their teens when John finally built his frame house . Roy Eugene was born in the sod house on October 21 , 1897 . He was John and Estella 's third child . Mary and Robert ( nicknamed Bob ) were the oldest ; and after Roy came Francis and Warren . When they thought they were too old to have any more babies , Estella surprised everyone with a set of twins , a boy , Emmet , dark and short , and a girl , Esther , light and with red curly hair . It was not long after the twins were born that Mariah Fenton died of a stroke at the age of sixty - five . After his wife died , Zalamon came to spend all of the rest of his life with the Goodman family . He died a few years later . Old Soc Goodman lived for many years . He was over eighty when he died , in about 1910 . He was buried beside his wife , Mary Ellen . They were buried out on the prairie , north of Cimmeron , on the wide , lonesome , open prairie that he loved , just north of the schoolhouse , in old ghost town of Eminence , Kansas . Sometime afterward , their son Warren covered their graves with cement , so they would not be washed away . The children had many chores to do around the ranch , one of these was to hitch up the horses to a wagon and go out on the prairie and pick up dried cow chips to burn in the cookstove and to heat the rest of the house in the cold winter time , water was pumped by a tall windmill in the yard . The cattle drank from the big stock tank close to the windmill , and water was carried to the house in buckets for the family 's use . In summer the children jumped in the tank by the windmill to get cool and wash the dust and dirt off before going to bed . In winter they used a wash tub near the warm cook stove in the kitchen to bathe in . For pets they had the usual dogs and cats . Roy had a big black dog once . This dog was always so happy to see him , that he would jump up on him and tear his clothes . His mother told Roy to hit the dog when it jumped up on him the next time , and maybe the dog would learn not to do it anymore . It happened that the next time his dog jumped up on him , Roy had a stick in his hand and he hit the dog behind his head so hard it fell down dead at Roy 's feet . Roy was a quiet , sensitive and tenderhearted little boy , so he had a funeral for his dog and he nearly cried his eyes out for the next few days . He always had funerals for all the little birds he found dead , he sang his favorite song , " Jesus Loves Me This I Know " . After his dog died , Roy wouldn 't let his mother take a nap because he was afraid she would die too . Every time she closed her eyes , Roy would pull her eyes open and say , " Mom , open your eyes . You look like you are dead . " If she didn 't open her eyes right away he would start to cry . Roy 's favorite pets were a pair of young eagles his dad had brought home one day . Of course , since the family were ( supposedly ) Irish , they named the eagles Pat and Mike . The children had to catch lots of rats and mice for the eagles to eat . They also liked snakes cut up in small pieces . The eagles were roped to the clothes line so they could learn to fly . It was a funny sight to see them fly around and around the line . It wasn 't so funny when they got big and began to peck and fight everyone who came near . When they pecked Estella every time she hung up the clothes , she told John he had to get rid of them . One morning he tied the eagles legs together and hung them over his saddle horn , and rode off far away from the ranch . Then he turned them loose , to fly free as nature intended them to . Always after when Roy saw an eagle soaring on the wind , he wondered if it was Pat or Mike flying so high in the sky . Roy spent all of his childhood on that ranch . He learned at an early age how to ride broncos and rope calves for branding . The boys had contests to see who could ride the meanest bronco or bulldog the biggest steer . One year a terrible blizzard struck the plains , and the cattle drifted with the wind until they came to the fences , then they piled up and many of them died . John and the boys rode around the range all the next day trying to save as many of the cattle as they could . They had to knock the ice off of their noses so the cattle could breath . Then they skinned the dead ones and drove the rest of the cattle closer to the ranch house . These would have to be fed extra feed or they too would die before spring . John decided to build a sled and hitch the horses up to it and take the cowhides to Garden City , the nearest railroad , and sell them hoping to get enough money to buy some cotton cake for the cattle . The roads were so full of drifted snow that a wagon couldn 't get through for several days . By that time it would be too late for the hungry cattle . John built his sled in the shed beside the barn , since it was warmer there . Roy kept telling his dad that he was building the sled too big and it wouldn 't go through the door , but his dad just kept on hammering . After the sled was done , sure enough , it wouldn 't go through the shed door . John never said a word , he just took a sledge hammer and knocked the whole end out of the shed , like that was the way he planned it all the time . They piled the hides on the sled and took off across the prairie , dodging the biggest drifts as they went . When they got to Garden City , it seemed like all the other ranchers had the same idea . The price of hides was low and all the cotton cake had been sold , except a box car full belonging to a big rancher . The other small ranchers had broken into the box car and were loading their sleds with cotton cake John decided he might as well get some too . It was a matter of life or death to his cattle . The other ranchers were crowded so close to the box car , John couldn 't even get close . He told Roy to hold the team and he began unloading a sled belonging to another man . As soon as this man would turn to go get another sack , John took a sack from his sled and put it on his own sled . Soon the man saw him and then there was such a fight . While Roy was watching the fight , the team ran off . As he looked back , he saw the man and his dad rolling around in the snow kicking and hitting each other over cotton cake that didn 't even belong to either one of them ! When Roy got the team turned around and under control , he drove up close to the fighting men . John jumped on the sled and they went home with a sled load of enough cotton cake to feed the rest of their cattle until the snow melted . It was many years before they had as many cattle as before the blizzard . To make extra money , Estella raised chickens and sold eggs and butter in town . She also raised big capons to sell at Christmas time . The children had to help her dress them . Roy said for the rest of his life he imagined he could smell chicken feathers when he ate chicken . He never ate much chicken . The twins , Emmet and Esther , were always getting into trouble . One time they crawled up the ladder and were on the platform near the top of the windmill . It was lucky the wind never changed until Roy climbed up and got them down , or it would have knocked them off and killed them . Esther tried to do everything Emmet did , one day she hurt her knee pretty bad as she was thrown off of a calf she was trying to ride . The knee was a long time healing and when her parents took her to the doctor he discovered Esther had cancer of the bone . She loved to dance and after the doctor removed her leg she said , " You can 't keep a Goodman down and I 'll dance again , just wait and see . She did learn to dance on her new wooden leg , but two years later the doctors had to remove more of the same leg , trying to arrest the spread of the cancer . It was too late , however , and the tall , red - headed , fun loving twin of Emmet died at the age of eighteen . Roy worked for a neighbor a few days , and in exchange for his work the neighbor gave him two little pigs . When he took the Pigs home to the ranch , all of his brothers made fun of him and asked him if he was going to be a pig farmer . When he sold his pigs he bought an old saddle tree . He tanned some steer hides and made a cover for the saddle . He then braided thin strips of the leather to make reins . When he was finished , he had a nice new saddle and bridle . As all ranchers did , John had many saddle horses , and the boys could ride any of them they wanted to , but Roy wanted a horse of his own . He had been breaking a little filly all summer , and he was hoping his dad would give it to him on his birthday . Before he could ask his dad if he could have the filly , Roy looked out of the barn door and saw his brother , Bob , riding her toward town . To add insult to injury he had even put Roy 's saddle on her , the saddle he had worked on so bard and long on all summer . When Roy objected , his parents said he should share with his older brother . It was because of incidents like that , Roy got the notion he was , " The Black Sheep of The Family . " He held this belief all of his life , and often referred to himself as the black sheep when he was older . He felt his parents favored Bob , because he was the oldest , more than they did him . They probably never even knew Roy felt this way . After his dad gave the filly to Bob , Roy and a friend ran away from home . They got as far as Colorado when their money ran out and they were hungry . It was hard for grown men to get a job in those days , let alone a couple of half grown boys . The only job they could get was a job setting off dynamite . It was a dangerous job , the other boy was too afraid to do it . Roy said he would try to do it . He always was an adventuresome boy and wasn 't afraid of anything . The men lowered Roy down the side of a mountain on a rope , he had to go into a tunnel to set off the dynamite , then they pulled him up as fast as they could , before the blast went off . Roy could almost feel that dynamite blowing him to kingdom come ! He was glad when the job was done . The two boys went home after that , to wait until they were a little older to go seek their fortunes . One of the many funny stories Roy told about his dad , was the time John decided it was time that he had one of the new Model T Fords . He carefully built a new shed to keep it in , then he rode to Garden City to pick up his new car . One of the boys went with him to lead his horse back . It did not worry John a bit that he had never driven a car before , all he had to do was keep it on the road , wasn 't it ? John did just fine driving home , he was the only driver on the road . When he drove into the shed he was going much too fast , and he had forgotten how the man had told him to stop the car . When he came out the other side of the shed , John was pulling back on the steering wheel and shouting , Whoa you son of a b - whoa ! He learned the hard way that a car did not stop when he hollered " Whoa " like a horse did . The boys laughed all the while they were fixing the shed and every time any of them told the story later . John Goodman was a tall slim man and he wore a handle bar mustache all his adult life . In middle age he sold the ranch and bought a lot in Garden City . He built an adobe house and covered it with stucco to live out his retirement . He got a good price for the ranch and he thought he and Estella could live the rest of their lives on the money . In 1929 the bank closed down , as many of them did that year , and John lost most of his money . He was a quiet man most of the time . When he lost his temper he would curse everyone , including Jesus Christ and all of his bald - headed Disciples . When he found out the bank was closed , he used all the curse words he could think of , then he decided he would take his shotgun and go down to the bank and make someone give him his money back . The boys talked him out of that idea . They told him the money wasn 't in the bank and besides , he would just wind up in jail if he made trouble . After that John had to work at odd jobs around town to make enough money for him and Estella to live on . Franklin Roosevelt was elected president in 1933 , and John got some of his money back and he and his wife received an old age pension to live on . John had a stroke when he was over eighty and was completely paralyzed . He showed the same courage that Esther had and learned to walk all over again . He proved again that it is hard to keep a Goodman down . He lived several years more before he died , at age ninety - one . Estella was a shorter person than her husband and a little heavier too . She was a strong willed woman and most of the time John let her have her own way , it was easier that way . She lived on in the small adobe house in Garden City for many years . When she developed arthritis that was so painful she had to use a wheelchair to get around , she sold the house and spent the rest of her life in a nursing home . When the nurses gave her medicine for the pain , she would refuse to take too much so she would stay alert . They soon found out , as John had so many years ago , they might as well let her have her own way . Estella made a beautiful crazy patchwork quilt before she passed away in 1964 at the age of eighty - nine years . She had many grandchildren , great - grand children and several great - great - grand children . Roy sold everything he owned and enlisted in the army during the first World War . While he was on the train going to the camp , word came that the war was over . When he got back home , many of the ranch families were sick with the flu . Some of them were dying with it . Roy and some of the other young men rode all over the range checking on the isolated families . Sometimes they had to bury the dead ones and take care of the ones too sick to care for themselves . It was a sad experience for a tender - hearted young man like Roy , but he never shirked a job that had to be done , no matter how distasteful it was . After the flu epidemic was over , Roy and his best friend , Phil Meyers , left and rode freight trains all over the west . They had many adventures riding the rails as hoboes . One time the railroad " Bulls " , men hired by the railroad to keep hoboes from riding in the empty boxcars , caught them and hit them over their heads and took the money out of their pockets . When they woke up in jail they were brought before the Judge for vagrancy , that is the charge if a person has no money or a job . The Judge sentenced them to work on the county road gang for two weeks . After that they un - stitched the end of the waistband on their pants and folded up a twenty dollar bill lengthwise and put it in the slot and then stitched it up again . Then if they were caught , they had money to show the Judge and prove they were not vagrants . Another trick they used was to put a hard bar of soap in their socks , they kept the socks in their pockets and when other hobos started a fight , they swung the sock around their heads a few times and let the bar of soap hit the bullies on their heads . That took all of the fight out of them . Roy and Phil worked at odd jobs to get money to live on . Sometimes they took in a rodeo to pick up a few dollars . Roy told the following two stories of his adventures . " One time at a rodeo in Cody , Wyoming , " Roy began , " I had paid my entry fee , I could not find a cowboy that would loan me a horse to compete in the calf roping contest . I looked around and found a farm boy riding a horse with collar marks where he had been worked in harness . The horse was saddled with an old saddle , the horn was even sticking out of the padding where the stitching was loose . I asked the boy if he would loan me his horse to ride in the calf roping event . I told him I would give him a share of my winnings if I did win . He was tickled pink to think his old horse would be ridden in the rodeo . " " Okay , " he said . " but be sure you take your spurs off , because he will sure buck if he is spurred . " Roy continued , " When I rode that old horse up to the chute , one of the cowboys made fun of him and asked . " Are you really going to try to rope a calf with that old plow horse ? " " I sure made him eat his words later , " Roy said , " because I got lucky for once , and my calf was a little slow , and I got my rope on him and tied him up in record time . When I gave the tow headed farm boy his share of the winnings , I really believe he was more pleased because his horse was a winner than he was over the money . " " Another time , " Roy went on , " I drew a big ugly , long horned steer to bulldog . He sure looked like a mean one to me , but I didn 't want to forfeit my entry fee so I thought I would give him a try . I jumped off of my horse and grabbed that steer by his horns and twisted his neck with all of the strength I had . I guess I didn 't know my own strength , because the next thing , I was aware of was the clown singing , " Nearer My God To Thee . " I had broken that poor steer 's neck ! I sure hated it too . Later , I heard the Humane Society was after me , so I went to my hotel room and changed to some other clothing so they wouldn 't recognize me . Then I went back to the rodeo . " Roy was footloose and fancy free that summer as he and his buddy bummed all over the western part of this country . He worked at many different jobs . He wanted to learn to do everything . He could do almost any job he tried to do , and this fact helped him get a job when many other men couldn 't . He did not know that when he got back to Ravanna , Kansas , he would meet a school teacher from Topeka , Kansas that would change his life style in more ways than one . The next chapters will go in detail about the family of this school teacher and how she came to teach school in Ravanna . Page specific suggestions and comments are welcome on any page except the home page , and do not require registration or login . All user submitted comments are moderated before being made public . Comments may be edited or deleted at our discretion . |
It 's a good job I don 't get embarrassed easily ! I certainly need to drive considerately and carefully in this because I won 't be anonymous especially in this small community . It 's a good job I usually do , because when I 'm driving I forget how conspicuous it is . I have the use of a car . A small economical - to - run one . Mostly mine . May be used occasionally by S , she says , but they have another car and a van . This car deserves a short blog post of it 's own - with a picture . Even in November it 's very green around about . I love the green of the grass and the bushes and the tress and narrow lanes and there are still a few flowers out on bushes and plants . The large kitchen and lounge windows frame a view of hills , trees and cottages . A Proper Fire In the lounge there is a working fireplace where a living fire burns each evening . As an adult I 've never lived in a place with a working fireplace so this is a real treat . Rural areas of Britain are not restricted to burning smokeless fuel so we have real coal . They also burn logs but I haven 't seen that yet . I even laid a fire yesterday . It 's quite easy . There are two cats . They are new to the household so are not allowed outside yet to guard against them wandering off before they feel that this is their home . There is a fat older cat called Sally and a 10 month old cat called Milo . Sally loves attention but Milo is not used to being handled so I can only stroke him when he 's sleeping . He likes that . They were only introduced to each other in this home but get on quite well . Milo licks Sally and they both curl up together on a pouffe looking out of the floor - length window in the lounge . I 've been invited to give all my ironing to the cleaner that comes once a week ! So I did . She 's good too , and fast . And jolly . And her name is Sally , which is a little confusing because she 's not sure if it 's her that 's being talked to or the cat . They have a Wii Fit and encourage me to use it . In fact part of my job is to exercise with L each day . She is building up stamina . She did a total of 30 minutes yesterday in three blocks . Whilst she was resting I had my turn . I did one hour altogether . I like the sound off but L has difficulty keeping time on the stepping without the ' music ' . I 'll not talk about the ' music ' because this is a positive post . : - ) S also likes L to go outside for a walk each day . So far L is only comfortable walking around the garden but it 's large and on a slope so it 's quite strenuous for her at the moment . She 's been sitting in front of a TV in a care home for 4 years so it will take time for her to be comfortable with the outside world and the exercise . I have the best bedroom in the house . It 's a double room with fitted triple wardrobes , lots of space surrounding the comfortable double bed . It 's warm and dry unlike the master bedroom . I don 't know if the sun comes in yet because I 've not been in it when the sun is out . L doesn 't like reading but she enjoys watching the television . M & S don 't watch much TV . In fact they got one especially for L when she came . They found after the first few days that the noise of the TV disturbed their concentration on their work . L wanted the TV loud but insists she 's not deaf . M solved the problem by getting some wireless headphones for her . So she 's happy in her world of soaps and quizzes in the evening watching a silent screen . Am I 'm delirious because my mum 's loud TV really bothered me . There is a large filter jug in the kitchen and one on each bathroom . The shower has a filter on it because apparently the mixture of fluoride and chlorine create a vapour that 's detrimental to health . And the shower has a great flow of lovely hot water and it 's in the bath so there 's plenty of room . The water in the South West of England is lime - scale free so I 'm happy with that too . Did you know that olive oil is a fruit juice ? This means that it 's not oily until it 's 6 months old . This couple sell fresh olive oil , in fact M is a connoisseur of it . It 's really lovely ! and very expensive . £ 30 a bottle . If they still have oil six months after the harvest they have it made into soap . They also deal in Balsamic vinegar . The real stuff . Not the stuff you get in supermarkets that have been made with chemicals . They sell 10 year , 30 year and even 100 year old balsamic vinegar . The older it is the sweeter it is . Quite opposite to olive oil . My mother really needs a housekeeper . Each time I get back from being away the kitchen is piled with many days of washing up . She has difficulty climbing the stairs , let alone bringing heavy shopping up to her first floor flat . She won 't acknowledge the need for help but is very happy when I do all the stuff for her . I think she thinks she should be doing it all herself . My job is to be a companion to an elderly lady who I 'll call L . . . . in this blog . She has gone to live with her daughter S . . . . and son - in - law M . . . . who run a business . They sell aged balsamic vinegar and freshly harvested olive oil . Olive oil is a fruit juice and tastes like it when freshly harvested and pressed . It has been totally spoiled by the time it gets to the supermarkets . I had my job interview whilst they were manning their market stall and had a taste . It was amazing . M . . . . described what sensations were happening in my mouth as I was tasting the oil , in the manner of a wine tasting . I was hooked but they cost £ 30 a bottle . On the way from Taunton to Wookey Hole we stopped in Glastonbury . We parked in the Glastonbury Abbey car park and walked over the road to the Abbey Tea rooms . S . . . . ordered a Somerset cream tea for her mother and a scone with jam and cream for herself with a skinny latte . I ordered a baked potato with tuna mayonnaise because it was lunchtime . We sat in the window and I observed a man crossing the road . He looked a little flamboyant . He had a chain around his neck with a very large ( about 2 inches in length ) oval purple stone set with some tiny stones around the edge . It must have been very heavy and was hanging in the middle of his chest . On one of his fingers was a smaller matching stone set in a ring made of a large amount of gold . He was holding a walking cane although it didn 't look like he needed it to help him walk . The cane was adorned with a similar stone . Some people followed him across the road and then stood either side of him whilst someone took their photograph . I wondered what he was doing with his fancy dress - maybe an eccentric town guide . He came into the tea room and sat at a table at the far end of the room . S . . . . came back and asked " Did Nicholas Cage come in here ? " as she looked around the restaurant . " Oh good " she said , " He owes me a picture . " She looked at me and explained " He 's one of our customers . " She took her phone and went to his table . When she had explained who she was and that he had promised that his wife would return to their market stall with a picture of him in return for being given some gourmet salt . He suggested she have a picture of him taken with her on her phone . His wife took the picture . Apparently , even though he 's American he lives near Glastonbury . In between being given instructions on how to do the job " Don 't leave any water on the surfaces around the sink . It does my head in . " " When you give my mother something to eat don 't let her sit alone at the table . Sit with her even if you 're not eating . " " Don 't leave any food around on the table or the floor . " " If your siPatricia Last Friday I arrived at Heathrow airport with a single air ticket because the woman who engaged me for the job was buying one because they wanted me to stay a long time . I asked her if I needed a visa and she said no . She 's employed several teachers for this family so I thought she knew what she was talking about . I check in and am told I either need a return or an ongoing ticket in order to enter the plane . The ticket guy gave me a return ticket for free ' cos I was saying I had no money in my account . ( a return is the same price as a single so I think that 's how he did it ) . It 's dated 15th November , arriving 16th November . If I had had a say in it , it would have been for a month after arrival . I 'm not really happy in this job . The hours are too long for me . I had nothing in common with the mother or the maid . The maid smokes . She hides whilst smoking and I 'm sure she doesn 't realise the smell carries . She does it in the toilet or behind the washing on the balcony . The smell makes me feel nauseous and gives me a headache . I left teaching because I didn 't like forcing the children to do the work the government dictated they learn , and here I am doing the same thing with a poor 5 year old . All in all I can 't see myself doing this for 2 years . On Wednesday I got an email on from a person who interviewed me for a job in June . She was advertising for someone to look after her mother when they moved house and could have her to live with them . The job was supposed to start at the end of August . I was due to go to the USA for the summer , coming back on 1st September so I asked to have an interview before I went . I had it sitting behind their market stall in Wells . They import fresh and delicious olive oil . She said she was 90 % sure she wanted to engage me but had promised interviews to other people next week . However , when I didn 't hear from her I thought she 's engaged someone else . I did have a little niggling thought that an email might have got lost in cyberspace but I could see the job wouldn 't be all plain sailing due to the daughter , the woman I was having an interview with . So I didn 't do anything . Anyway , it seems she had her phone stolen , lost papers in the house move and had much legal stuff to sort out due to her aunt dying . Her mother only moved in last week and she engaged a temporary help in the meantime . She phoned my mum , who told her I was in Hong Kong for 2 years . She then emailed me to wish me well and ask if we may keep in touch . I emailed back saying I wasn 't sure if I could stick the job for 2 weeks let alone two years and had she found someone else to do her job ? I realised that I had a return ticket for the following weekend so I could go back to England then if I felt it was the right tPatricia I think the people here are obsessed with germs . There was a page in the hotel book about them . It told me to use the hand cleaners dotted about the hotel and to put on a mask if I have a cough or cold so as to not spread the germs . Also to always carry a tissue and cough or sneeze into it , throw it away and wash hands . All the taxis have a box of tissues in the front . There are sterilised plastic sheets over elevator buttons with a notice to say they are cleaned every X hours . Around the malls there are hand cleaning stations with those awful toxic gels . I 've not seen anyone use them though . No child or adult is allowed into the building without having his / her body temperature taken . A person zaps each forehead as we go past . Every parent is supposed to take and record the temperature of the child in a little book each day . Tao Tao has been entered for a speaking competition and each entrant has to have their body temperature taken and recorded on a form . There will be spot checks to see if they are correct . Without this signed form the child cannot perform ! There are loads of red and white taxis . None of the drivers speak English so when I went somewhere by myself I had to have my destination written on a sticky note to show the driver . No way could I pronounce and remember the words . It was helpful because the Chinese maid must have an accent that 's difficult for them to understand because she asked me to show my paper . I have difficulty understanding her when she 's trying to speak Engrish . Everyone must take off their shoes before entering the homes . Even though they all have easy clean hard floors . The family I 'm with are very kind and offer flip flops for their visitors . But maybe they are scared of catching something . The temperature is a little too cold to be comfortable in bare feet on cold floors at the moment anyway . There are more restaurants here than in any place in the USA I 've been . They have the pizzas , McDonalds ( though not many ) , and KFC ( quite a few of those ) and of course all the different Asian types of cooking . Occasionally you can find a place that says it adds no MSG , but most dishes have some sugar in them . I started to feel quite ill after being in this house for 3 days . So I 've arranged with the maid that I cook my own meals . I didn 't want to do this because I didn 't want to offend her and she cooks very tasty meals . However , even with her refraining form adding MSG I 'm sure it 's in the sauces she uses and she definitely sues sugar because I can taste it . The first meal out with the family was in a hotel restaurant with the father the first day ( I 've not seen him since ) . The set menu all had MSG so they cooked dishes especially for me . He has remarked on my size several times and tells me I need to keep off the carbs ( which is very true , but a bit disconcerting to have him mention it so often ) so he ordered me several fish dishes . One was squid but he didn 't tell me until I asked . It was lovely . And then a whole large fish ( Tao Tao ate the eyes ) . It was delicious . He told me he was glad of that because it cost more than the whole of the rest of the meal put together ! I 'm glad I already knew how to use chopsticks . I felt they were all surreptitiously watching me to see how I managed . I think I shocked them . I 'm also getting better at it now too . I realise that some of my readers may be wondering what the problem with MSG is . Well , first off , I 'm sensitive to it . I feel like I have flu the next day - toxic heavy and achy limbs . Secondly it 's an excito - toxin . This means it excites the cells in the brain , which vibrate so fast that some die . I need all the brain cells I can retain . I 'm also sensitive to sugar . It feeds the candida in my gut which then grows in other areas of my body and makes me feel ill . It suppresses the immune system too . So I generally steer clear of that substance . He is bothered that his son doesn 't speak proper grammatical sentences . He keeps telling me how I should teach the boy . Correct him when he says it wrong and get him to repeat it correctly . He 's told me this several times when he 's phoned to see how I 'm getting on . Actually it 's more like tell me what to do . He wants to see results and will throw loads of money my way when he sees them . He told me , three days into the job , to hurry up and get results . He wants me to do three hours concentrated work with him at the table each day . His English is good and he expresses himself like any other 5 year old English speaking boy - which doesn 't always include grammatical sentences , especially when he 's speaking fast talking about something exciting to him . His father is concerned that he is reluctant to speak English but I 've not found that . Maybe he is reluctant to speak to his father because he doesn 't know him very well , or that he knows his father speaks Mandarin , so why speak English to him ? He doesn 't like to practice the piano . He 's supposed to do it for an hour each day . This is the time when there is a lot of shouting from the mother and , when she 's not there , the maid . Yesterday the maid wanted to extend the time by 20 minutes because he had been messing about away from the piano . I strongly suggested that he should finish at the agreed time of 8 pm . He did , well nearly . She went over to him at 8 and asked him to play two more pieces . She told me she thinks he 's not doing so well because he used to practice for two hours when they lived in China ( ! ) I said no wonder he doesn 't want to practice . He 's only 5 years old ! Two lots of half hour practices is plenty in my opinion . ( Actually if he doesn 't want to do it then I advocate him not doing it at all but that 's far too radical even to utter . ) When he wakes up he is straight to his desk to practice Chinese writing , with mum hovering over him . His time is scheduled from then on until bedtime at 10 pm . Not surprisingly he is a very angry boy . So I give him as much choice as I can , whilst understanding that he doesn 't want to do anything . It seems he has about 30 mins of free play before he goes to school . Fortunately school is run on a learning by play program but it 's still directed . He goes to a private school and each class has an English and a Cantonese teacher who team teach . His class also has a Mandarin teacher 3 days a week . The boy goes to another English teacher for one hour each week . This man is from Hong Kong but went to Oxford University . The father respects him because he has been to a few of his lectures . He works at the university here . They often have an evening meal together . When the boy went for his lesson this week he didn 't get one . Instead the teacher spent the whole time talking with me . The first thing he said to me was that our job was to shield the boy from the pressure his father wants to put upon him to succeed . to make things fun for him . To not sit for three hours at a time doing concentrated work . It was lovely to talk to a sane Chinese person . He also obviously doesn 't want his hour cut because he told me he was a balance to my teaching because he has the Chinese background and can talk to the mother . He in fact did talk to her about the sleep , water and sugar , but she said she has no sway at home . No wonder she shouts at the boy when she 's feeling so invalidated herself . The father told me that he had persuaded the maid to move into the small room so I could move into her old room . Actually it looks more like a cupboard , with no windows and I 'm sure she won 't be able to stretch her legs . So he came to get me from the hotel . His apartment block has a luxurious entrance and is called Royal Ascot . This is because it overlooks the Hong Kong Jockey Club and ( a very small by British standards ) race course . This morning I woke up to the sound of pleasant Chinese music being played over a PA system outside . I looked out and in the courtyard below there was a group of people doing Tai - Chi . Then more groups gathered in different spaces between buildings and trees . It was quite beautiful to watch . I 'm sorry I didn 't think to take a photo of the Tai Chi , but this was taken on Sunday . The roar of the traffic increased so much that I could eventually only hear the music faintly . Yesterday at midday there was a group of children , all wearing red T - shits and black trousers , having a class of some sort in the courtyard . It looked like exercises to do some martial art . They did a lot of lining up in single file while they took turns in doing an exercise in front of the instructor . They did things like swinging a leg high and in front of the body whilst walking . Posted by I came back to England on 1st September and am starting a job on 1st November . I 've never been out of work so long before . I did wonder if I was looking for the right work ( housekeeper / nanny / carer jobs ) , so I applied to become a bus driver . I know I would enjoy the public service , meeting people and being cheery to brighten their day . However , before they could reply , i got a job as a nanny / tutor in Hong Kong . I didn 't apply for it and it seemed that I was the only candidate . My profile was on several nanny - type sites so they found me from that . They wanted a mature person , believing maturity goes hand in hand with reliability . I had actually applied for a nanny job in Hong Kong a few weeks ago with a British Expat family . It took me a while to decide to do it because living in China does not appeal to me , especially a part that 's hot and humid . That advert appeared in a week with few to apply for so I took the plunge . But they obviously found someone else . I have had several interviews on the phone and in person and even a trial , but none of them worked out . The trial was in the town of Aylesbury where I spent most of my childhood . It ended after 4 days when the new widower was persuaded to go stay with his sister - in - law , which meant there was no job available . When the person from Hong Kong sent me an email it went into my spam folder and I found it two days later because I check it regularly before I empty it . And no , it wasn 't one of those " You 're Hired " spam emails ! : - ) I replied and was asked how much I wanted to earn . I checked out how much people were being paid for the job in Hong Kong . It seemed that the family were Chinese and I noticed the going rate was very small . I quoted a figure that was 5 times that rate , but the minimum I could survive on and pay my debts . She wanted to speak to me on the phone , I thought they must be one of the rich Chinese . She came back with an offer of double the amount I had quoted , saying it was what they usually paid . I wondered why she asked me . I suggested we use SkypeThe boy didn 't have anyone to look after him a the moment and so she wanted me to come as soon as possible . So we spoke on the Wednesday , bought the plane ticket for Friday , and packed on Thursday . ( I 've now found out that wasn 't true because the mother doesn 't work . ) The cheapest flight was with Emirates . I found it was the cheapest on a site that found cheap flights . However there was so much to - ing and fro - ing with Sal , that the 6 available seats disappeared from the site . So , suspecting that Emirates would have more seats I went to their site and found the same seat over £ 300 cheaper ! So the lesson is . . . . when you find a cheap flight , go to the flight company 's site and you may find it even cheaper . I 'm not a fan of Arabs , and Arabic things , ( and I 've come across a few , having worked in Kuwait for two years ) , but I 've always been very impressed with Emirates airline company . They have lovely and useful touches like giving everyone a menu , so you know what the choice is ( and what the other things are on your plate ) . And the food is good too . The flight attendants are lovely form all over the world with an amazing array of languages between them , and the in - flight entertainment is very comprehensive . They even have sockets and USB ports in economy class in the newer planes . That was written whilst I was on the journey and now I 'm rested and have internet I can post it here . Now I 've arrived I 'll add a bit more . My employer has put me up at a hotel for two nights . He doesn 't have room in his flat for me unless I share with his maid ( who 's been with him for 10 years . Her husband is the family diver , but for some reason is still in China . ) He 's found that an apartment for me would not work until he knows I 'm going to stay because of the long lease expected . So he suggested he rents a room for me with a family . Because it 's cheaper to do this and it 's not as nice , he 's going to give me an extra 2000 Hong Kong Dollars ( £ 160 ) each month . He then joked that if the family weren 't nice he would give me an extra 3000 HKD . But if I wasn 't happy he would rather find a new family for me than have to find another nanny . He looks about mid 40s to 50 , which seems old to have a 5 year old child and is quite formal . He has about 1000 employees and prides himself on being fair with them all . He gave me 5000 HKD to start me off and will pay me weekly until I get myself settled and can have the money monthly . When he gave me the cash , he shook my hand and said " Welcome to the family " . He does seem fair but also wants to see results . His son is not speaking English like he thinks he should . The last nanny left because her daughter had a bone marrow transplant . I told him my children were both healthy . ; - ) I asked him if the child goes to play with friends and he said he doesn 't have friends - and not allowed them until he speaks English better ! I 'm going to see if I can find some English boys for him . So he can play and speak English at the same time . Playing with a 54 year old woman all the time is no substitute . I 'm also going to suggest he teaches another child English . That will motivate him to speak English . The hotel room was very musty and the windows were locked . So I phoned down to ask for them to be unlocked and was told for security reasons they can 't be unlocked . I 'm on the 10th floor ! I told her the room was musty and needed a change of air . She suggested a housekeeper come and spray but I declined . She asked a manager and someone came to open then but will shut them tomorrow . Now the windows are open it 's very noisy because there is a restaurant downstairs with an outside bit . ; - ) Temperature outside is slightly cool in the evening if wearing shirt sleeves . Fine with a jumper on . The journey was smooth apart from at Heathrow where I was told that because I didn 't have a visa or a return ticket I couldn 't board the plane . I was told to go get a return or a follow on ticket . The sweet guy at the ticket desk gave me a return ticket for no cost . I 'm sure a return is the same price as a one way so that 's how he did it . He did it for a two weeks trip . Sal was buying me a one way ticket and when I took over ( because she couldn 't pay for my ticket from a Hong Kong credit card ) I just carried on with that . Been out today in the shopping mall adjoining the hotel and in the garden at the back . First impression is I like the place and everyone I 've met has been lovely . Posted by When I was six my mum stopped collecting me from school . She had to push my younger sister in the pushchair on the two miles round trip . So she stopped doing it . My brother walked with me to school each day and when it was fine weather I walked home on my own . But when It was rainy I had to wait across the road in the junior 's cloakroom for my brother for half an hour . My mum wouldn 't let me go on the bus on my own . I sat on a bench , pushing the coats back to give me room . It was dark and gloomy because of the rain . I never had anything to occupy me apart from my thoughts . A Thre ' pny Bit We always carried a thre ' pny bit each for bus fare in case we needed it . A thre ' pny bit was a small , octagon shaped yellowish thick coin . It felt heavy and satisfying in the hand . We were always given a thre ' pny bit each for the church collection plate . It was the value of three pennies . A penny , in those days , before the decimalization of the British currency , was a large brown thin coin . A sixpenny bit was the same size as a thre ' pny but very thin and silver . Outside Toilets The infant toilet block was a scary place . In the shade of the ewe trees , corrugated asbestos for walls that started at knee height and ended with a gap before the roof . No windows or electric light . Smelly and cold . A big girl , a member of the large , poor and smelly Churchill family , locked me in a cubicle one time during playtime . She must have been standing on the other side of the door . I never really wanted to go there , especially to move my bowels . They were called ' outside toilets ' because they were not in a building . Across the road the juniors had toilets that were inside a building . Accessed only from the playground and no heating , but what luxury ! When I had a chronic constipation problem at age 6 I asked to go to the toilet during lessons and when I was a long time the teacher sent someone out to check if I was OK . How embarrasssing ! Walking home , I would get tremendous pains in my abdomen that I would have to stop walking until the pain passed . Sometimes I would pass some faeces on the way . This was very embarrassing and I would go home and wash my knickers . I would sit on the toilet for ages in such pain , passing nothing . I 'm not sure how my mum found out . It could have been because of the soiled knickers or maybe the teacher told her or maybe that I was taking up so much time in the bathroom . My mum went on about how stoical I was . Well , I think it was more to do with embarrassment than being stoical . My mum took me to the doctor who decided I needed an operation to widen my back passage . He showed me a long clear perspex tapered stick that he said would be placed in my anus and pushed in to widen it ! But I wouldn 't feel anything because I would be asleep . There was no talk about diet at all . Dietary fibre had probably no been discovered . Nor was the fact that a wheat and gluten intolerance could have been the cause . Hospital in 1960 So it was off to the hospital for me just before Christmas . Parents were not allowed to stay with their children then , so I was left on my own . I arrived the day before my operation and that night I don 't remember sleeping at all . I was told I must have slept , but I do remember the ward was a busy place all night and I don 't remember waking up . The nurses opened the curtains in the morning and a lady came along pushing a trolly giving each child their breakfast in their bed . She passed the end of my bed without stopping or acknowledging my presence . Well , I was very hungry and I started to cry . She came back and told me that I was being silly . Didn 't I remember that I was to have an operation that morning , and so was not allowed to have breakfast ? There was a sign on the end of my bed to tell her so . Well , of course I knew about the operation , but the missed breakfast part had passed me by , and I couldn 't see the sign on the end of my bed ! There was a girl in the ward with a broken limb . She told me she often broke something because she liked being in hospital . I thought this was very odd . Now I think it was likely that the hospital felt a safer place to her than her possibly abusive home . Visiting - or Not I remember there was a visiting time when I had no visitors . It was horrible . I watched all the other children being fussed over by their families . A nurse came and talked to me for a bit but it didn 't really help . My mother swears that she came every visiting time . I decided then that I would not let that happen to anyone I knew . When I was an adult my elderly neighbour who I regularly visited , went into hospital . She had a sister and a nephew who lived quite a few miles away and they didn 't plan on visiting much . So I found out when they were going and filled in the gaps . My lovely husband usually came with me even though it was really quite hard with both of us working every day . She was there over Christmas and on that day there were no set visiting times so we all ended up being at her bedside together . Hospital in 1980 It seems very odd today that children with broken limbs would be staying in a hospital ward . Also that anyone who was not ill would be taking up a hospital bed just to make sure they don 't eat before an operation . They were still doing that when I was 24 and had all my impacted wisdom teeth out . My husband took me to hospital to check in . I was very anxious and felt like I was being incarcerated . I was required to undress and get into bed at 4pm ! I balked at this and said I wanted to go for a walk in the grounds . I went even though the nurse was reluctant to let me , for she thought I might not come back . It was a horrible night . A fit and healthy young woman listening to ailing women calling for bed pans to no avail , and then calling out that it was too late . This was so distressing that I got up and helped an old lady to the toilet . A nurse appeared and scolded me severely because I wasn 't insured should the lady fall . After the operation my mouth felt so dry that I called for water . The nurse ( who was the mother of one of my pupils at school ! ) was very kind and washed my mouth with wet cotton wool . She apologised that I couldn 't drink because the anaesthetic might cause me to throw up . That evening , my head of department at school , came to visit her mother who was in the bed opposite me . I was perfectly healthy when I went into hospital but felt very ill when I left . My temperature and vital signs must have been OK but I felt like I had flu . I realised later that I was having a reaction to the anaesthetic ! My whole body hurt and felt very heavy . Years later , when I told someone that I wouldn 't be able to do something after my dental appointment because I always felt ill afterwards , I found out that I had a reaction to the adrenaline in the anaesthetic ( as well as wheat and gluten ) . Posted by In fact today it got down to a temperature where it took me a little getting used to before I immersed myself this morning ! It 's still not as cold as the heated indoor pools in Britain though . The water and air temperature is so cold in those places that it puts many adults off going swimming , which is very short sighted of the management in my opinion . This morning it was difficult to get the insects and other debris out of the pool because it was distributed within the water , and not just on the surface or on the bottom . I don 't do anything with the bottom stuff , but don 't care to ingest insects or get them stuck in my hair . I thought this was due to the wind creating little waves , but no . It 'd been cleaned ! A guy who came to empty the rubbish bin ( sorry - trash can ) told me . I hadn 't noticed , because there was still dark stuff on the bottom at the corners , but looking closely I saw the amount was less . That would explain the amount of stuff floating in the body of the water . Yesterday we had a power cut ( sorry - outage ) just after 6pm . I went swimming at about 7pm and met a swearing , beer drinking , smoking guy , who decided to sit on the pool side while his dachshund ran around the edge . His intruder alarm was making a continuous din and he couldn 't find the instructions to cut it off . His dog was going crazy and he was too hot . I 'm shy about showing my body in public and am so grateful that so far I 've not met a soul at the pool all the time I 've been going ( apart from the ground maintenance guys flitting about doing their work . ) So I was a little perturbed when he sat down with his cooler of beers and started talking to another guy who stopped by . I just kept swimming ( like Dory ) . I lost count of my laps but it was probably over 40 and I got tired and had to get out . Fortunately he was on the phone at the time so he took no notice of me . Well , today I thought I could probably do 50 laps and I did ! Now , I told you that the length of this lap pool was probably longer than a normal width , but I 've changed my mind . I now think it 's more like a width . Instead of counting my laps I 've started dedicating each lap to a person . So now I just count up the number of people I prayed for and this is better than losing count . I wasn 't sure I would remember all 50 people when I was in the pool so I made a list and kept it at one end to refer to . It worked very well . I do a violet fire mantra for each person . You can learn more about the violet fire here . I gave myself a goal of doing 60 laps by 9th July , ( which is when we 're moving to another apartment ) but I had my doubts that I would achieve it . Now I think I might exceed it . I have plenty more people I can add to the list , so that won 't be a problem . I 've started swimming twice a day now . I went at 3 pm the other day , and was outside for 30 minutes and got sunburned ! So I won 't be doing that again . It was cooler than normal for 3 o ' clock due to the rain in the morning , but still the concrete was too hot for bare feet . At 8 o ' clock in the morning the temperature is the same as a hot summer day in Britain . Very pleasant , but the concrete is too hot for feet . I now put on sunscreen . I got a natural one from Mercola . com because the skin always absorbs whatever is put onto it , so in my opinion , if it 's not safe to eat , then it 's not safe to use on my skin . The sun is shining onto the pool and the sky is blue , the trees are green and the water is warm , but not hot . At 7 o ' clock in the evening , the pool is in shade , the concrete is just about OK to stand on in bare feet , and the water is warmer than the morning . So that is when I 'm having my second swim of the day . The pool is a perfect depth for me . It goes from 4 foot to 4 and - a - half - feet , so wherever I am I can easily stand . Although I can swim I do get a little nervous when I 'm out of my depth . The pool is 2 lanes wide and the length is longer than a normal width , but shorter than a normal length . I did 20 laps this evening then I floated on my back to relax and enjoy the view . A tiny white aeroplane went in one direction , whilst birds flew in al the other directions . Dragon flies also came into view and something that I haven 't identified yet . It 's either a large insect or a tiny bird . It goes too fast for me to see it properly . I 'm hoping it 's a humming bird . All this is framed in a beautiful blue sky by the green leaves of silver birch trees that are tinged with gold as they catch the last of the sun . And then I became aware , as I gazed at the blue , of being able to see the water on my cornea . The water did not look very clean , or maybe it was the chemicals in it . If you 've ever seen a puddle that had some oil in it you 'll have noticed that the oil is formed into shapes on the surface . The water on my corneas Patricia During my first week at Thurloxton Manor the weather was quite hot and the owners invited me to swim in the outdoor pool they have at the bottom of the garden . The thought was infinitely more lovely than the deed , due to temperature of the water . It took me a very long time to immerse myself , and I couldn 't swim for long because my feet went numb . I 'm told the water gets hot by August if there 's been a warm summer . By contrast I went swimming yesterday in Louisiana . The pool water was as warm as a pleasant bath . I 'm planning on going every day . However It 's raining today , and I learned from living in North Carolina , that it 's dangerous to swim outdoors in the rain in case a lightning bolt hit the water and electrocutes you . I swam in the rain in an outside pool in Britain when I was a child . It was fun . British rain is rarely accompanied by thunder and lightning - only if it 's been particularly hot weather . Posted by [ I 've changed the title of this post from " Being Let Go " to " Redundancy " , because I 'm told the former phrase means being fired . As far as I recall , I 've never been made redundant before , and hadn 't matched the word in my head to the event . ] My job started out part time . My main shifts were Saturday and Sunday 8am - 4pm , then 6pm - 8pm . But I also did 3 : 15 - 4pm and 6pm - 8pm on Mondayd and Fridays . the first 12 hours of each week was unpaid because it was to cover my board and lodging . This did not work out to be enough money for me , so the owner , Charis , gave me all the ironing for the holiday cottages . She had hoped I would be able to do this ironing within the hours i was already working , but her mother Grace , was taking up an increasing amount of time so this was just not possible . i was then given the responsibility for helping Grace to bed each evening so the person who did the supper shift could concentrate on that . This ended up with me working 7 days a week but on some days it was just for one hour . Then Charis wanted me to do the extra ironing from 4 - 6pm so there was someone on hand to help Grace with the toilet if she needed it . The person who had the job before me had only ever lived in an orphanage and then other people 's homes whilst looking after them . So when her friend got her her own house , from the Housing Association , she was very anxious about having the responsibility for everything including the bills . At the age of 62 it was all too much change for her . So she came back to visit and told Charis all this . Charis felt an obligation to help her and decided to have a reorganisation of the staffing . She had been losing money on this part of her business and her mother needed more care so she decided the person doing the live - in job was to just work 4 hours on Monday and Friday , and 2 hours each of the other days , whilst her mother was still alive . She knew I would not want to do that as I needed to earn more money than that . Especially as the first 12 hours worked were to pay for the board and loPatricia The owner 's mother , Grace is dying , although I 'm not sure she knows it . I was there one month and I noticed a great deterioration in her ability to care for herself . When I first arrived she managed to get herself to her toilet with only a little difficulty . Then she started needing help getting there , then she needed help with her hygiene , then she could only use the commode if it was near her , then she couldn 't get onto to the commode by herself , and then I left , so I wasn 't involved in the next step . It became my job to help her get ready for bed each night . This was a pleasure because she was such a gracious lady . She went to a private school as a girl and had participated in many sports . She had married a clergyman who was a Greek scholar and had lectured at a theology college . Even though she was now living in her daughter 's house , she had brought some of her furniture with her . They were all beautiful and unusual pieces , probably antiques . Her clothes were equally elegant and of good quality . She wore mainly pink and purple shades but her daughter said she did not like pink . She told me she called the colur she wore , mauve . She didn 't like losing her mobility and was often in much pain . She often said , " Getting old is no joke . " She was bleeding within her digestive tract and so in the morning there was often a lot to clear up . She would apologise for creating so much work , but I really did not mind doing it and i would tell her so . But I remembered that people like their feelings acknowledged , so I told her that I understood she felt uncomfortable . Posted by I wrote a blog post on the first day of my new job in May but for some reason i didn 't post it . so here it is now . My first morning in my new place - I bring the curtain rail down as I open the curtains . My room is a little dark because there is a clump of trees outside my window . It 's lovely to see the green . The old , rambling manor house is surrounded by green . The house has been extended throughout the years and so has a higgledy piggledy arrangement of rooms . The owners live in the main wing , with high ceilings and majestic stairs . The other residents , three old ladies and myself live in the other wing , the one with all the extended bits , quaint narrow stairs and a sloping landing floor . There is a step up to my room and a step down to my en suite bathroom which has a sloping low ceiling and therefore no shower , only a bath . One old lady lives upstairs and she uses the stair lift . ( I found out later that the part I was living in was in fact the original building and as the owner or owners became more wealthy , they built the imposing manor house part . And then someone added quaint bits onto the original old part . I the vestibule of my part of the building there is a bread oven built into the wall . This was no doubt the main living room when originally built . ) I appreciate when the lady on my floor , and the one under my room are watching the same TV program . I also appreciate that they go to bed at around 8 pm so I can have a quite evening , There is a beautiful dog here called Hugo . He has a very gent ; e personality which belies the fact that he will kill and present birds and small mammals . He has a person come in each week groom him , which is more than the ladies get . their hairdresser comes once a fortnight . Posted by Here is a video that is well worth watching . Gregg Braden , in his illustrated interview ' Miracles of Healing ' , gives evidence of how our feelings can change our physical bodies and the world around us . He says " We must feel the feeling as if the prayer has already been answered , and in that feeling , we are speaking to the forces of creation , allowing the world to respond to us . " " The words aren 't the prayer - it 's the feeling behind the prayer that gets the results . " If we pray for peace we can feel as if we are participating in that peace . " As we feel the peace in our world or the healing in the bodies of our loved ones , we are actually empowering the field of energy ( or God ) to mirror that back to us in a way that will bring those changes about in our lives and in our world . " He goes on to give evidence of healing and peace brought about by the collective feeling , believing or knowing of the immaculate concept . http : / / video . google . com / videoplay ? docid = - 2116868226384685853 # Before I leave this house I must post about the cats here . Well actually they are kittens . They are posh kittens in that they have certificates of pedigree and cost a lot of money . Because of their cost they aren 't allowed outside in case someone steals them . The cats didn 't know they were missing anything and never attempted to go outside , until they were taken away on a fishing trip . I don 't think they actually participated in any fishing , they just went with the family to save the hassle and expense of boarding them in a cattery . They didn 't appear to enjoy the journey . I know this because they were difficult to extract from under the car seats when they got home . But now , they know there is something interesting outside the front door they sometimes make a dash for it if they see it open . I must say that only one cat has a full pedigree , the ugly one . She really is ugly . She has a face that has a permanent scowl on it . She looks very bad tempered . Fortunately she doesn 't seem to actually have a bad temper . She , along with the other cat , a male called Peewee , who has only a partial pedigree , get hauled around all over the house , used as toys and get cuddled and squeezed to within an inch of their life . They are both remarkably docile with the amount of unintentional mistreatment they get , and only occasionally strike back with a scratch . I think this was the thinking behind spending so much money . The family has had several pets but some have not been suitable . As soon as I saw the cat Marshmallow she reminded me of a girl who went to a school I taught at . Her name is Shannon . I looked at a picture I have of her the other day and was disappointed to see the picture looked nothing like the cat . She had smiled for the camera so wasn 't wearing her habitual expression . Posted by |
Sneak Peak of Second Book August 15 , 2016August 16 , 2016 | Shadahyah Hi everyone , so after months of thinking , I have finally began writing the second book to My book the Journey . The title is not available yet ; however , once I get through with it , I know it will come to me . That being said , I decided to share with you all the first chapter of the second book . If you have not read the first one yet , this will be a bit of a spoiler . Let me know what you think . Here is the link Free Book June 21 , 2016 | Shadahyah In honor of my birthday Thursday , the ebook version of my book , The Journey , will be available for free on amazon . The Journey I a dark fantasy set in the middle ages and targeted for young adults . So if you are interested , please feel free to get your free copy either this Wednesday or Thursday , and please feel free to leave a review on amazon . Also , below is and excerpt from The Journey and a link to the book on amazon . I hope you enjoy . Renee sat on a log staring at a small fire . Her arms were wrapped tightly around her leg as she tried to understand how a day that had started off so good , would lead to her entire family and her best friend Jasmine 's family ending up deep in the forest with two young men who looked like rebels . What had her family gotten themselves into , she thought to herself . She turned her head slightly towards the young men . They were standing at least ten feet away from her , whispering about something . The expressions on their faces and the way they stood there told Renee that it was serious - only she wasn 't sure how serious the situation was . Her parents were the same way . They hovered in the corner with Jasmine 's parents , talking about something that none of the children were allowed to hear . They were hiding something from them , something very important and whatever it was , the two rebels were the reason . Why else would they bring them out into the middle of nowhere , then wait for a whole day for someone to show up , and on her birthday too ? She should have known something was wrong the night before , after talking to Elizabeth . Thoughts of a Writer April 23 , 2016 | Shadahyah The Journey for a self publish author to become a best seller is extremely hard , especially , when they are doing it all by themselves . For many , the idea of giving up after a failed attempted is the easiest choice , because A they were only doing it just to say they did it , or B , were too scared or finically strapped to see their dream become a reality . Then there is the discouragement from family and other loved ones , who tell them that their dream is impossible , so they should just go out and get a regular 9 - 5 job . With so much negative and the odds not in their favor , self published authors who are really passionate about making it have it by their own skills alone , have it ruff . I for one am in that same boat . When I first began this process of publishing , I thought " okay I will write this book and then people will just by it , because it 's my book and it 's awesome ; " however , that thought process got me no where , which lead to me pulling the original version of my current book The Journey , off the shelves and starting over from the beginning . It took me three years before I decided to publish again but I never gave up writing . The hardest thing about being a writer , is when you ask someone to buy your book , they review it , and don 't like it . Though we know most of the time , that dislike for the product is not geared towards us as writers ; it still feels personal . Then the doubt sets in , and we began to question our ability - even though every part of us is telling us that we are good enough to be a writer . When that doubt sets in , there is no turning back , and we start to break down causing us to do like I did and pull their book and just give up completely . ( Though to be honest , it was too early for the first book to be published ; but at the time , I was too naïve and in my feelings to realize it . ) The best thing I did for that book was pulling it off the shelves and rework it , making it a trilogy . After that failed experience I decided to rework it . Not wanting to make the same mistakes I did before , I had serval people look over it before I published it , and even after publishing it , made a few changes , because with self publishing , I can make changes to it even if it is already out . ( One of the things I love about it . ) The hardest part , is the marketing . I study the internet for days and hours at a time , trying to figure out how to market my book , what I should say to get people 's attention , and what I could offer to drive people to my amazon site , in order to check out my book . I tried lowering the price to $ . 99 then 2 . 99 then finally making it free . The free promo worked , because it helped get people 's attention ; however , there was never any feedback . Grant it , the promo only ended a few days ago , but as a self - published author , the idea of getting reviews , is how books are sold , especially if they are good reviews . So that is were I 'm stuck at . There use to be a time that I didn 't want to know what other people had to say about my writing especially if it was bad , but now things have changed . I 've changed . I no longer find negative comments to be a direct shot at me ( although they still hurt , ) but away for me to grow and become a better writer , so that when I am able to reach number one on that bestsellers list , I can truly feel accomplished . Now I 've said all that to say , that despite how hard something may be , if you truly want it , you should go for it . Don 't let other people discourage you . Many successful people failed multiple times before they got their big breaks . So if one strategy doesn 't work , try another one , just never give up , because 9 times out of 10 it 's that final strategy that takes you to where you truly want to go . Book release March 26 , 2016 | Shadahyah I have just released my first book The Journey on ebook in amazon . At the moment I am selling it for $ . 99 until I release the paperback book itself . This is a huge deal for me , so I hope you all enjoy it , leave reviews and tell your friends about it , so i can accomplish my dream of making the best sellers . This is the link http : / / amzn . to / 1Ry9Ct7 Excerpt from The Journey February 11 , 2016February 11 , 2016 | Shadahyah My good people , I have just received news from these fine soldiers , that the king will be holding a ball for Crown Prince Joshua in the next couple of days . " He paused . He was trying to make sure that he could get his lie out without alarming anyone . He then looked back at Hugo , who was standing behind him with an evil look on his face , and piercing eyes that screamed : " IF YOU DON ' T FINISH , YOU WILL DIE ! " In order to avoid death , Thomas put on a big smile and continued , " That being said , they would like for all the young eligible women preferable between the ages of 17 and 18 to come with them back to the castle tonight . If you would please get your daughters ready for the trip , the carriages will pull out soon . That is all . " After he had finished speaking , the people rushed home , in order to get their daughters ready for what they believed would be a blissful occasion . Thomas slowly backed away from the balcony and into the room , letting the door shut behind him . In that moment he felt lower than a slave in the castle . All he wanted was to open up that door and tell his people to run . But from what ? This man had yet to give him an explanation as to why the king wanted these girls , and his gut was telling him that whatever the reason was , it couldn 't be good and he should avoid asking anymore questions . However , his duty as the town mayor and own guilty conscious was eating away at him like a virus of some sort , that could only be cured by asking the one question he knew he shouldn 't . In the mist of Thomas ' thoughts , Hugo joyously walked over to him , with that same look on his face . " You 've done well Thomas . " Thomas looked up at Hugo as if he were a baby lamb separated from its mother and Hugo was the predictor lion just waiting for and opening to kill his prey . Thomas knew he was going to die , it was only a matter of time before Hugo or one of his men took their swords and ram it through his chest . Still , Thomas needed to know , he couldn 't die without learning the reason for his death , so against his better judgment Thomas spoke , " Why are you looking for girls ; when it is the traitor that you are after ? " Hugo smiled . He then took his sword and ran it through Thomas ' chest . " That is none of your concern . " He said , as Thomas fell to the floor dying with the sword still in his chest . As the blood oozed out of him , he couldn 't help but think about the last words his wife said to him . She had told him that he was going to be a father again and this time she believed it to be that boy that he had always wanted . Her face was the last thing he wanted to see before he died , smiling back at him and joining him in the afterlife when they were older ; however , that dream was no more . He would never get that opportunity , nor would he ever see the face of his unborn son . As the noise began to fade and the room became dark , Thomas looked over towards the soldiers standing by the door . The younger one seemed familiar , only Thomas couldn 't place his face , and his words couldn 't escape his lips . A Night To Remember September 21 , 2015September 21 , 2015 | Shadahyah An evening of romance is what Vincent Campbell had planned for him and his lover Trina Martin . A little moon lite dinner , combined with a swim , is what he had been waiting for all week and finally the night had come . As he drove the ten blocks to her house , he couldn 't help but think about the conversation they had the previous night . They had spent hours on the phone planning every detail of their date and it was her idea for them to meet at her family 's home , since everyone would be out for the evening . " Because your father hates me . " He exampled . Trina 's father Kevin Martin , came from old money and believed that people should only marry those who came from the same social class as them . His daughter , was a free spirited and open minded , which was why he was so overprotected of his baby girl and heiress to his fortune 500 company . " Yes he does . The first time we met he told me if he ever sees me talking to you , he has a . 45 with my name on it . " He proclaimed . As he pulled into the driveway of her two million dollar mansion , his heart began to race , as the anticipation of being with his love excited him in ways he could not understand . Here he was a lowly middle class worker had captured the heart of a true American Royal . Her kindness and warmth is what attracted Vincent to her and despite all the threats and circumstance surrounding their relationship , he couldn 't imagine life without her . As he carefully made his way to the back of her house , he made sure to remain unnoticed , for fear of what the guards or any member of her household would do if they saw him . Once he reached the back of her house he noticed something very peculiar . She was laying down in her floating chair on the deep end of the pool , with one hand in the water and her head turned to the side . As he slowly made his way towards her , he began to worry why she was waiting for him in the pool , when the plan was dinner first , or was there something wrong . The closer he got to her he could feel his heart beat faster and faster until finally he saw it ; blood was oozing down from the left side of her head , and before he could think or say a word , he dove into the pool and pulled her out . Once he got her body out of the pool he grabbed a towel and pressed it on the side of her head as he frantically searched for his phone to dial 911 . However before he could do anything , sirens were heard down the street and the light on the back porch came on . Conflicted and confused he sat there holding his love crying and trying to wake her up . The cops came out of the house with the butler and approached them with guns drawn . " What ? I didn 't do anything . " Vincent proclaimed disoriented and still holding Trina , who with ever second that past breath was getting shorter and shorter . " I won 't ask again , stand up and back away from the body . " The officer yelled . It was almost as if he were looking for a reason to pull the trigger . He never liked Vincent , in fact he thought Vincent was beneath him and should have been locked up a long time ago for all the pranks Vincent had played on his son back when they were in high school ; now the murder or attempted murder on none other than America 's sweetheart herself , gave officer Hank West all he needed to put him behind bars for the rest of his life . " What 's going on ? Where 's my daughter ? What did you do to her boy ? " He asked getting in Vincent face and grabbing his shirt ; his eyes a blazed with hatred as the officers tried to pull him off of Vincent . Vincent didn 't say a word . What could he say ? Nothing he would have said , could help the situation , because if her father knew the real reason he was at Trina 's house , he 'd kill him anyway . " Mr . Martin please release him . " Hank ordered , but was actually enjoying the scene . Hank did as he was told , and the officers put Vincent in the squad car . " Trust me sir with as much evidence that we have on him , he will be . " Hank assured him . " Now would you like to join your daughter at the hospital sir ? " . As they pulled away from the scene , Vincent couldn 't help but think about what had just happened . Why did this have to happen to him ? How did the cops get there so fas , t and is Trina going to be Okay ? He needed answers and there was no way he could get them by sitting in a jail cell . He had to escape so he could clear his name and he and Trina could be together again . But how ? As they pulled up to the police station , the officers took him inside , finger printed him , took his picture and put him in a jail cell . That night he laid in bed wondering if he would ever see Trina or his freedom again . Decisions and Consequences July 30 , 2015 | Shadahyah Chris walked through the door of his two story home exhausted from the long 72 hour shift he had just worked at the local hospital . His wife Isabelle was the first thing he saw when the doors opened and boy was he excited . He was a brain surgeon one of the top in the nation to be exact because of his success rate with his patients ; however after a long three days of surgeries and small catnaps , he was ready for a weeklong vacation , or at least the opportunity to get some real sleep with his wife lying next to him . So the image of her standing in front of him waiting to take his coat , smiling that beautiful smile , that had captivated him 10 years ago , was enough to turn his frown upside down . " Welcome home . " Isabelle said taking his jacket and with the same excitement in her voice . Though she visited him every day at the hospital to bring him food , it was nothing like having him back at home with her at least for the next few days , before he had to go back to work . " Thanks baby , it 's good to be home . " He pulled her closer and gently kissed her lips . She smiled then pulled back . ) " What ? " He asked confused . " I don 't know some guy named Buck , he says he knows you from your navy days , and to say , " East Germany was great . " " I didn 't know … before she could finish her sentence , Chris walked away and headed down the long hallway towards the den , praying to God that Buck wasn 't there for the reason he was thinking of . He had been out of that business for ten years , and wasn 't planning on going back . Once he reached the den he opened the door and saw Buck standing at the fireplace , staring intensely at the flames . Fear crept over Chris as he tried to mustard up the courage to call out to his former mentor . A man who had single handedly destroyed an entire village after gaining information from their enemies . " Buck . " Chris heard himself say but in a voice that did not resemble his own . The knot in his throat grew larger as Buck turned around and faced him with a devilish grin . The moment their eyes met , sweat began to drip from Chris 's face because he knew what this visit was about and he also knew that he did not have the strength nor place to reject him ; however he had to give it a try , at least for his families sake . " Chris , long time no see . " Buck said sounding enthusiastic and holding out his hand . Chris slowly walked towards Buck , with every step feeling like one step closer to Hell 's Gate . " Yeah , it 's been awhile . " Chris managed to say in that same weird voice and shaking Buck 's hand . " Have a seat . " He offered , not really meaning it . " Don 't mind if I do . " Buck said sitting down on one of the small couches present in the den . Chris sat across from , him and just stared , trying so hard to figure out how to escape with his wife and children . " Would you gentlemen like a something to drink . " Isabelle asked . She had followed Chris into the den ; however he was too deep in thought to notice , until she spoke . " Same here baby . " Chris said unable to take his eyes off of Buck . Isabelle left out the room and head towards the kitchen . Once he saw that she was completely gone , Chris spoke . " What am I doing here ? Why are you still here ? " Buck snapped , his eyes locked on Chris with a look that shook Chris to his core . He had seen that look before , it was the same one Buck gave his victims before slashing their throats ; however Chris wasn 't going to let that shake his resolve . He had promised himself that after he met Isabelle and became a father , he would no longer work for the government . " Well I did and I 'm happy here , so please leave before my wife returns . " Chris said , proud of himself for standing his ground , while inwardly praying to God that he would leave . However Buck just laughed and Isabelle returned " Thank you Isabelle . It 's Okay if I call you Isabelle right ? Mrs . Taylor is too formal don 't you think ? He asked sweetly " Sure you can call me Isabelle . " She said nervous . She didn 't know what it was about him , but he made her feel uneasy , and the way her husband was behaving in his presence sent off warning signs that this guy was dangerous and she had to be careful . " Great . Now Isabelle I have a question to ask you and I need your God honest opinion . " He said folding his hands in a diamond shape and staring at her with this evil look on his face . " Sure ask away . " Isabelle said through a nervous smile . She really didn 't want to answer any of his questions but was afraid that if she said no , he would do something to her husband . " Thank you . Now would you agree that a promise should be kept , and when a person makes a commitment to something he should keep it . " Buck asked sternly . " What do you want Buck ? " Chris asked already knowing the answer . Buck pulled a cigarette and lighter from his right jacket pocket and lit the cigarette . Taking in one big puff , he stood up then blew it out . " You know what I want . You had ten years to play out this little fantasy of yours , now it 's over and time to come home . " Buck said as he slowly approached Chris who was staring up at him from his seat . There it was , the question that he had been dreading to hear , but knew it was coming . However going back was not something he had ever planned on doing especially since he met Isabelle . If it had been 10 years ago , his answer would have been yes ; however this was not 10 years ago and he knew that if he left now , he would never see his family again . He had no choice but to deny him . " The way I see it you have two choices . Either come with me tomorrow or so help me God , I will have you thrown into the deepest darkest hole , you 'd wish you were still in Iraq . Either way your life with that woman and those children is over . " Buck said in a much harsher tone with every word feeling like a knife being dug deeper into Chris ' chest . He knew Buck was serious from their days in the service ; but how could he say goodbye to his family did he really have a choice ? " Oh and Chris don 't try to run we know everything including where your children are at this very second . " Buck said snapping Chris out of his train of thought . " Good . " Buck said as he made his way to the door . Upon opening it he saw Isabelle standing in the hallway . She was shaking but trying so hard to hold herself together . " Yes thank you for your hospitality . " Buck said with a devious grin , as he made his way passed her to the front door . She followed behind him to let him out . " See you again . " He said exiting the house . She waited until he pulled off before locking the door and returning to her husband who was still in the den . " Chris . " Isabelle said softly tears running down her cheeks . Chris was sitting on the couch with his hands on his face in deep thought , when she walked in . When he heard her call him again , he looked up at her blankly almost as if he were looking through her . " Then don 't go back stay here with me . " Isabelle said softly . Chris stood up and walked over to his wife her brown eyes staring back up at him , red from crying . " Can you just think about it . " Isabelle begged . She couldn 't lose him now , not after everything that they had been through together . Even if it meant becoming a fugitive for the rest of her life she would do it , if it meant keeping her family together . " Okay . " She kissed him goodnight then went to bed . Chris sat back down and began to think should he run ? If he ran at least he could still be with his family but for how long and could he really turn his family into fugitives . As he sat back and contemplated his future , the sun had risen and Isabelle had walked back into the room . " Have you been in here all this time ? " She asked softly . " And what have you decided ? " She asked hopeful . He shook his head no and she began to sink to the floor with tears rolling down her cheeks . " I 'm sorry Isabelle . " He said disappointed in himself for caving in ; however he knew that this was the only way he could protect his family . He stood up and walked out the room to get ready for Buck 's arrival , leaving Isabelle on the floor in tears . " Good morning Isabelle is your husband ready . " Buck asked with a smile . Isabelle said nothing , instead she just opened the door to let him in , though every fiber of her being told her to slam the door in his face . Chris came down dressed in his marine uniform and a defeated look on his face . " Good choice . " Buck said pleased . " I 'll see you later . " Chris said and with that he left with Buck in a black Ford Fusion with government plates , and a line of black cars following behind him . Chris was right , running wasn 't an option , she just hoped that this was not the last time she would see him again . Secrets and Lies July 6 , 2015July 6 , 2015 | Shadahyah Toni opened her eyes and looked around the room . It was cold and dark with a musty smell coming from all directions with the only light coming from a crack in the door at the end of the long hallway . " Where am I ? " She asked no one . The moment she spoke she regreted it , because her throat felt as if someone had stabbed her repeatedly . Her eyes fell on the light coming from the other end of the hall , she had no idea what was out there , nor how she ended up in that room , but something told her that she had to get out of there no matter what . She tried to sit up but her body felt as if it had been crushed under a rock . " Ouch " she cried out as she tried to move from the bed she found herself on . She stopped moving and just layed there for a minute trying to gather her strength before trying again . A few moments later she tried again , this time using all the strenght that she had , she was able to lift herself up to a seated postion . Through pain and tears , she slowly managed to stand up , her eyes fixed on the light as she painfully made her way towards the door at the other end of the hall . " Toni . " She heard a voice say . She looked around and saw no one . " Toni , " the voice repeated . She recognized it the second time it they called out , it was the voice of her best friends Pelar and Candi , only she couldn 't see their faces . " Where are you ? " She managed to ask through the pain . " Toni , " they said again this time it sounded as if their voices was coming from the other side of the door . More determined than ever , Toni began to run towards the door . The pain in her body was unbareable , but she knew that if she could make it to that door she would be reunited with her friends and find out what happened to her . The door got closer the faster she ran , and once she reached it she pushed it open , but the light was so blinding that she was force to close her eyes . " Turn those machines back on . " She heard a woman say , that sounded a lot like her mother . " She 's not dead . " The moment she opened her eyes , she saw her mother standing over her crying and yelling at the doctors and nurses as they walked out the room . Her friends Pelar and Candi were sitting in the back of the room crying and holding each other , while her father was trying so desperately to convince his wife to let her go . Toni reached for her mother causing everyone to look at her . " Toni , " her mother said through tears , while pushing her husband away to be closer to her daughter . Toni tried to speak but found it impossible with the tube down her throat so she tried to take it out . " Don 't honey . " Her father said stopping her with joyous tears in his eyes . " Call the doctors . " He ordered her friends . The girls got up and ran out the room to do as they were told . A few moments later , a bunch of doctors came into the room with nurses behind them . The family was asked to step out whilethey ran some test on her . Once they had finished their evaluation , the family was allowed to come back in . " What 's going on doctor ? " Her father asked before reentering the room . " Honestly we don 't know , I guess she just wasn 't ready to go yet . " The doctor said stumped at , Toni 's recovery . " So she 's going to be alright ? " Her father asked . " We want to run some more test , but so far so good . " The doctor informed him . " Thanks doc . " Her father said with the first sigh of relief he had in months . Toni was laying on the bed staring at the ceiling when they walked in trying to remember how dhe ended up in that place and in that condition . The tubes were taken out of her throat making it a lot easier for her to talk and swallow , but she was still hooked up to an IV full of medicine and that was irritating . " Toni , " her mother said interrupting her thoughts . Toni looked at her family and smiled . Pelar and Candi walked to both sides of her bed and hugged her . " You had us so worried . " Candi said squeezing her . " Don 't ever leave us again . " Pelar warned through tears . " You 're hurting me . " Toni said breathless . They released her but stayed by her side . " What happened to me ? " Toni asked her mother . " You don 't remember ? " Her father asked . " No , " she informed them . They all looked at , each other as if they were afraid to tell her . " What ? " Toni asked concerned at their reaction . " How about you get better first , then we 'll tell you . " Her mother said trying ao hard to change the subject . " No I wanna know now . What happened ? " " It was a car accident , the car you were in was strucked by one of those 18 wheelers and your car went off a cliff and into the water . " Her father said . " Oh my God . " Toni said upset . " is the driver okay ? " She asked with a feeling that they weren 't telling her everything ? " No he died on impact ? " Her mother said almost happy as if she wanted him to die . " He ? " Toni asked alarmed . " Was it … " " No , Chris is fine he wasn 't even there . It was someone else . " Candi informed her with the same slight smile on her face . " Who was he , how did I end up in his car ? " Toni asked confused . " That 's not important l , what 's important now is that you get better . I almost lost you , I 'm not doing that again . " Her mother said . " Okay . " Toni said with a smile . The nurse came in to get Toni and take her to get some test ran on her . " She 'll be back in an hour . " She informed them . " Can you come with me momma . ? " Toni asked . Her mother looked at the nurse , who shook her head yes , so they left out the room . An hour later , she was brought back into the room with her mother . Her friends and father were still in the room when she was wheeled back in , she was half way out of it from the pain pills they gave her . " How 'd it go ? Her father asked her mother . " Well , she 'll be able to go back to school this fall . " Her mother said presently . " That 's good . Just in time for sophmore year . " Is she sleeping ? " Pelar asked . " In and out but she 's fine . " Toni 's mother informed them . " That 's a relief . " But girls , you have to promise to never tell her what happened . " Toni 's father explained . His tone changing to a more serious one . " Why not ? " Candi asked . " She has the right to know what happened to her . " Pelar added . " Maybe this is something that is best left unsaid . " Toni 's mother explained . " But … " Candi started . " No buts you have to promise to never say anything . " Toni 's mother stated . " Yes ma ' am . " Pelar and Candi said softly . " Swear it , this is something that she can never know . " Was the last thing Toni heard before passing out . |
This is a page specifically dealing with teaching simple present and present progressive . I have not tried any of these , but there are a lot of ideas here , and they look good . At the very least you will be inspired . Today it rained heavily . I did not take these pictures today . I took them last Wednesday , and only just got around to looking at them . The first one is a swallowtail butterfly . The second is a . . . you know . One of those , oh come on , EVERYBODY knows what these flowers are called . They 're , you know , that flower you can eat . I used to grow them . Yellow and orange . Can somebody please put me out of my misery and tell me what they 're called ? This morning when I turned up for my second period class , before lunch , the gormless boy ( second half of that post ) was sitting at the front of the classroom with his mouth open , looking bewildered and goofy . This is normal for him . He always looks bewildered and goofy , and I thought nothing of it . ( I was not really on top of things today . My brain is suffering from mid - semester sag . ) After I 'd finished calling the roll , he suddenly looked even more bewildered , then got up and dashed for the door . That was when I realized that he 'd come to the wrong class again . He is in my third period class after lunch , not second period . He looked back anxiously as he closed the door , and I smiled in what I hoped was a reassuring manner . " See you later ! " I said , and then wondered if I had been tactless . Perhaps I should have pretended not to notice him . Too late . How ARE you supposed to react to someone who , seven weeks into semester , still hasn 't figured out what time his classes start ? At lunchtime I told my colleagues about him as we were going up the lift for the third period class , and as I walked into my third period class and saw him sitting in the front row again ( still looking bewildered and goofy ) I had a revelation . If he had been born 80 - odd years earlier , my student would have been a perfect candidate to become a post - war straggler . I 'm not exactly sure why this feels so right , but it does . This is a kid who constantly struggles to understand what is happening in the world around him . He is permanently bewildered and out of touch . The only class he has come to at the right time was the first one . Since then he has turned up in at the wrong time every single week , always at least an hour early . He sits in the empty room all through lunchtime as well , I discovered a couple of weeks ago , probably wondering where everybody is . Or perhaps he comes so early because he is afraid of being late . He desperately wants to do the right thing . I don 't think he needs to worry about being late , though . He gets earlier by the week . Posted by Today I washed the sheets and took them to the laundrette to dry . While I was waiting , I went to a coffee shop , and on my way to the coffee shop I stopped in at a little store that has very , very cheap things . I bought some socks ( ¥ 80 ) and a t - shirt . I didn 't really need the t - shirt , but it cost less than the coffee did , and anyway , who could resist ? Also , it is true . I AM a sensitve decanter . In my very large class today I did some ' repeat after me , ' using the dialog in the textbook . They love ' repeat after me . ' I correct their pronunciation all the time , and make them repeat things over and over and over . The more they have to repeat something the more they love it . I think they feel comfortable trying out ' foreign ' ways of pronouncing things when they can safely hide their voices in the group yell . " It 's a beautiful day , " I said , and the class obediently roared , " IT ' S A BEAUTIFUL DAY ! " " That 's a big fat lie ! " I said . " THAT ' S A BIG FAT LIE ! " they bellowed back , somewhat uncertainly . Then they looked up , puzzled , because that wasn 't in the textbook . Then they noticed that I was staring out the window and frowning at the very heavy rain , and after about ten seconds ( during which they were getting out of parrot mode and replaying what they 'd just said in their heads ) , they cracked up . " Big fat lie , " I heard them giggling to each other . Expressions like that never turn up in the textbook , and I suspect I am going to be hearing it again . In the same class , I had them in groups of six to eight for conversation practice , and told them to change partners within their group for four different conversations . They 're so cooperative it has turned out easier to let them organize themselves than to try to do it myself . One group of eight , I noticed , was strictly segregated . The girls were talking to the girls , and the boys were talking to the boys . By the time they got to the fourth conversation they had a problem . The girls did not want to appear forward by turning around to talk to the boys in the row behind them , but they were supposed to have a new partner and that was the only way to do it . The boys were staring at the backs of the girls 's heads and waiting patiently for them to muster enough courage to turn around , but they didn 't . I didn 't want the class to slow down too much , so I went back to the group and whispered confidentially in one of the girls ' ears : " The boys are very shy . Can you turn around , and help thPosted by The Man is away for a couple of weeks , and I am on my own . He was worried about me when he left . He wasn 't convinced I could cope on my own . What an insult ! I am a perfectly capable person , all grown up now , and I can take care of myself . I don 't know what he was so worried about . Last night I met my friends for our usual after - work dinner and drinks , and we had a lovely time . I even managed to collect a wonderful malapropism / mixed metaphor / something or other from one of them , and REMEMBERED TO WRITE IT DOWN . " Free and fancy - foot , " she said , and we knew exactly what she meant . I laughed so much I was sure I would remember it , but I wrote it down anyway . Just as well , too , because on my way home I tried to remember and couldn 't . I had to check . After I came home I was sure there was something I needed to do but couldn 't remember what it was , so I decided it would probably come to me during the night and could wait until morning . I have plenty of time on Wednesday mornings , because I work nearby and don 't start until second period , at 10 . 40 . This morning I woke up , rolled over , and checked the clock . It was half an hour after the alarm should have gone off , and I leaped out of bed , cursing . Then I went back and checked the clock again , and discovered that I had not missed the alarm after all . I had not SET the alarm . I had forgotten completely ! Was that what I was supposed to remember last night ? It couldn 't have been . Setting the alarm is something I do AUTOMATICALLY , not something I have to remember . What was it I had to remember ? I still couldn 't remember . I made a cup of tea , and sat down to check my email . I still had plenty of time to remember , I thought . I waited for inspiration to hit . It didn 't . Finally I pulled out the files for my classes today . I knew what I was doing in my lessons . All I had to do was dump the paperwork in my bag . But just in case , I checked my notebook . That was when I found out that because of a public holiday on a Monday a couple of weeks ago , my Wednesday classes are now ahead of my MondPosted by Today I visited the little park to see whether I could get a picture of the crow babies in the wire hanger nest . I tried last week , too , but at that time the parent crows were hanging around and were a bit too close . Actually I got the feeling that they were watching me then , but there was only one old man in the park and for all I knew they were watching both of us . They followed me down the street when I left , flying overhead and shouting something . But I just thought they were off to hunt for more food . The babies sound pretty demanding . Today I sat under the tree and one of the crows flew down to a lower branch . There were some old ladies playing croquet , and taking no notice of the commotion above their heads . I glanced up , and got shouted at by the crow . I sat there for a while pretending to watch the croquet , but the crows did not go away . Finally I decided that perhaps I had better leave and try again sometime when the parents weren 't there . I could see the babies ' beaks ( very BIG beaks ) over the edge of the nest and wanted a picture , but the way the crows shouted every time I looked up was making me nervous . When I cycled off , the two crows followed me again . They did not come very low , but they did fly above me , zigzagging up at roof height as if to make sure I was really leaving . When I was a couple of blocks away they stopped on a rooftop and watched me for a while . I looked back over my shoulder and got shouted at again . If it only happened once I would call it a coincidence , but this time the crows only came down lower when I was there , and other people cycled past while I was sitting in the park who were not watched or followed . The birds remember me , and I do not think this is a good thing . They do not seem to think I am a very big threat , at least yet . They did not come low enough for me to feel that I was in real danger . But I am not taking any risks . No baby crow photos for now , at least . I have been spotted . Just now I looked at Yahoo Japan 's one - week weather forecast and discovered that there will be no weather next Sunday . This is a relief , in a way . Living in Japan it is very easy to get tired of weather . It is possible , of course , that the reason there will be no weather is that the world is going to end on Saturday . If so , I wish they 'd be more specific about it . I want to know , so that I can plan accordingly . If the world is going to end on Saturday then I won 't bother marking that stack of homework . So far , I have to say , this semester is going pretty well . I don 't have any real problem classes . The lone , lonely boy on Friday mornings is responding a little ( yesterday went well ) , the terribly noisy , fantastically low - level , and seemingly impossible class of third year students is behaving , despite ( or perhaps because of ) my completely ignoring the syllabus , and even my very large class is fun to teach when the equipment works . None of my classes seem to have yet succumbed to gogatsubyo , although it 's early days yet . ( Sometimes gogatsubyo hits in rokugatsu . ) In that very large class yesterday , I had decided there was absolutely no point in trying to get the students moving around and swapping conversational partners . There isn 't enough space for that , and when I tried it last week and the week before , using different methods each time , the result was total chaos . This time , I left them where they were sitting , went around and counted them off into groups of six or so , and told them that each time we did a new conversational activity they should do it with a different partner from within that group . In most classes I would not even try that , but this lot has been so cooperative that I thought it might work . It did . Later , when it came time to do a listening activity from the textbook , I discovered that the tape player I had chosen from the resource room ( to avoid using the ridiculous machine in the classroom ) was one that had a limit on how high the volume would go , and the limit was not very high . When I discovered this , I sighed and asked the students for their cooperation , again . " This machine is stupid , " I explained . " It will not play loudly . This is IT . " I hit the play button , played a little , then paused it . " We will have to be VERY quiet during the listening , " I said . " But it 's just a short bit . " They nodded seriously . They 're a lovely lot . I played the section I wanted . After I 'd played it , some students asked me to play it again . I did . This time there was some quiet talking going on at the back of the class , iPosted by Some of my students have heard the children 's rhyme Incey - wincey spider , and wanted me to teach it to them . I told them I 'd have to look up the words , because I couldn 't remember how they went . I was not enthusiastic about this . I never liked that rhyme when I was a child , but couldn 't remember why . When I got home tonight and looked it up , though , I remembered . I didn 't like it because it was sad and horrifying . Poor spider , doomed to an eternity of pointlessness , climbing up and getting washed down the spout over and over and over . What is it supposed to be about , anyway , this Sisyphusian rhyme ? Is it SUPPOSED to instill a feeling of meaninglessness and doom in tiny children ? Was it just me ? I found This Old Man far more satisfying . I particularly liked it that the old man came rolling home and the dog got a bone in EVERY SINGLE VERSE . Maybe I 'll teach that to my students instead . I was at Bibliomania just now , looking up a classic ( The Tenant of Wildfell Hall , if you really want to know ) and while I was skimming the last chapters I spotted an ad down the bottom of one of the pages , which must have mentioned something religious . It made me laugh at first , then it worried meWhat does it MEAN ? Is there something specifically Christian about chronic constipation ? Is the cure for constipated Christians different from the cure for constipated non - Christians ? Is the treatment from Christian doctors for chronic constipation different from the treatment you get from non - Christian doctors ? Why does he want to ' share ' his remedy , anyway ? Does he always share medication with his patients ? Even if he is a chronically constipated Christian himself , wouldn 't this sharing business become a problem if he had too many chronically constipated patients ? But most importantly , I 'm worried about what makes a Christian chronic constipation remedy different from a non - Christian chronic constipation remedy . Could it be that after the remedy is applied , the patients ' bowels move in mysterious ways ? I don 't think I 'd like that . I got some more poppy pictures today , too . There seem to be more and more of them , and I love these little flowers . In the third picture , you can see a tiny honeybee . I didn 't even notice it was there when I took the picture . Today I managed to get some pictures of the new crow 's nest down the road . They are not great pictures ( it is hard to get good pictures against a glarey sky , and I can 't get high enough to use any other background ) , but what I like about these pictures is that you can see the hangers that did not make it into the nest , dangling down underneath . Of course it could be that since this nest is a work in progress those hangers are just waiting to be incorporated , but I prefer to think that even brainy , puzzle - solving crows have a hard time untangling them when they get hooked on something . There seem to be more yellow hangers in this nest than in the park nests . I don 't know whether this is because the dry cleaners around here use more yellow hangers , or because the crows have different tastes in home design . Mamma Mia has left , taking her kittens . The rosemary bush is back to being just a rosemary bush instead of a shelter for single mothers , and seems unnaturally quiet . I don 't know where she went . I came home and she was gone . I have been rejected . I miss the hissing and growling from the rosemary bush . I hope she has found a good new home . Speaking of new homes , down on the corner from our house there is a big tree , and in that tree some crows are building a new nest . I am offering no prizes for guessing what they are using to make this nest . I was going to try to get a picture on my way out today but the sun was behind the nest , and on my way home I forgot . But anyway , it 's just more of the same , and I am becoming quite blasé about the whole thing . If the question of what crows build their nests from ever comes up in a quiz I 'll be able to answer it right away . They build their nests from wire hangers . I don 't think I have never seen any other kind , come to think of it , aside from the carrion crow 's original nest . It seems that wire hangers are the new standard . Kenju asked where they are getting the hangers . They are getting them from people 's washing lines , I suppose . People hang their washing out on house and apartment balconies , and frequently use the free hangers from dry cleaners . Either that or the crows have found a way to break into dry cleaning establishments . I saw a crow the other day on someone 's balcony . I thought it might be there to steal a hanger or two , as there was some washing , but as I went past it had been distracted by a small bird in a wire cage hanging from the end of the balcony . It looked pretty funny , the crow peering into the cage as if to say , What on earth are you doing in THERE ? , or , perhaps , Holy cow ! look at all that lovely wire ! I did not have my camera , unfortunately . I will keep my eyes open for crows stealing hangers so I can get a picture , but don 't hold your breath . I would have to be extremely lucky . I have seen a crow flying with a hanger only once , and by the time I got my cPosted by I have been rather puzzled about how crows are able to manipulate multiple wire hangers into just the right position while I have trouble when only two hangers get entangled with each other . Now all is explained . It is entirely possible that crow cerebrums are bigger than mine . I found ( or rather , The Man did ) a site that shows the kosa distribution in Japan ( yellow sand ) . The one I found before was only for Korea . Looking at the new map , I am wishing I did not have to go out tomorrow . We 're about to have a nasty episode . I will wear a mask while I 'm outside . I wish they made the masks in other colours . White makes me feel like I 'm about to do something surgical and nasty . Someone could make a killing with designer masks in Japan , I reckon . Stick on a Louis Vuitton logo and sales would go through the roof . A few kawaii designs and young people , especially , would be wearing them all the time . I saw an article somewhere recently about face mask fetishists , and had one of those Help ! I 'm living in a weird country moments . ( The first part of this post was written between nine and nine - thirty this morning . ) Well , here I am again on the 11th floor . Yesterday I got a memo from my lone student 's faculty telling me they had decided to continue the class even though there is only one student . This morning I walked into an empty classroom . This is both annoying and gratifying . On the one hand , after last week 's tiny success I had all sorts of plans for this lad . On the other , a part of me was hoping that the class would be cancelled , because one - to - one classes are HARD with an unmotivated student . For that second scenario , of course the best outcome would be if the class was officially continued ( i . e . I would still get paid ) and the student stopped coming , which would allow me a free ( paid ) period on Friday mornings . The problem with this is that if he doesn 't tell me he 's not coming then I have to be here anyway , which scotches the idea of getting a little extra sleep on Friday mornings . I gave him my email address and asked him to let me know if he was going to be absent , and even told him exactly what to write , but didn 't hear from him , so it looks like this might have been one of those mornings when he couldn 't bring himself to leave the room , and was too embarrassed ( or apathetic , or depressed , or scared ) to tell me . At least I get to write a blog entry . ( Thank goodness for my little Palm and wireless keyboard . ) The most annoying thing about him being absent today is that I had anticipated the class being allowed to continue , and had prepared materials . My photocopies are ready , and I even brought chalk up here with me , which I usually forget . It is a bit deflating to bounce cheerfully into class and find you are being cheerful at nobody . It is so empty up here it echoes , as I discovered when I sneezed and made myself jump . It is true it was not a restrained sneeze . With nobody around I did not feel the need to be polite , but still , I did not expect it to sound quite so explosive , or to echo like that . The chalk is bothering me , now that Posted by This story was open in one of my tabs just now , and I scrolled down to see if I could remember why I opened it . I couldn 't . I guess I must have clicked a link by mistake . But one sentence in the third to last paragraph caught my eye , and will probably give me nightmares : Three people were arrested and an elderly lady trampled by police . ( Australia just got crossed off my list of possible places to retire in . ) Now and again I find something small I think I might post to my blog but don 't have time right then so I shove it into a folder for later . Then . . . well , then I forget that it 's there . I decided to clear out some of that folder today . Most of it went into the trash , but here are three things for your amusement . The first one is probably a year old , although I 'm not really sure . I can 't remember . It was something I found on GoogleNews , and was evidently written by someone who has a shaky understanding of the metric system . This makes it a little odd that it turned up in an Australian newspaper . I guess they grabbed it off a feed and didn 't check it carefully first . Either that , or Kylie Minogue is a lot skinnier than I thought . This second one is a phrase that I came across somewhere , I can 't remember where , a few months ago . I 'm not quite sure why changing a y to an i made it seem so painful , but it did . Is it just me ? If it is , I don 't think I want to know : we analized our financial situationThe third thing is a spam message I received recently . I did not actually open the message . There didn 't seem to be much point . I kept the subject line , though : You have received the gift of nothingThis made me inexplicably happy . It is true that I already have plenty of nothing , but if it is also true that it is the thought that counts , then a gift of nothing is better than no gift at all . Last week I cycled through the park where the crows are , and was shocked to see that the carrion crows ' nest had been chopped down , along with most of the new greenery . This is how the tree looked in March , on a beautiful day in early spring . Last week I did not take photos because I was late for work , and I did not go back after work because I found the sight depressing . But today I went there again , to see how the other nests were , and discovered two things . The nest had been cut down , along with most of the leafy part of the tree , as you can see in this picture . ( Sorry about the terrible quality of these pictures . I had left the camera on the wrong setting , from trying - and failing - to get pictures of kittens in very poor light . ) The vandals ! Half the tree is gone . Why do they DO that ? Japan does not have enough greenery , but when trees do get big and leafy they get chopped to stubs . But the first thing I learned today was that the crows do not give up easily . And not only that , if it is the carrion crows again ( and I suppose it is , because jungle crows build their nests in evergreens , remember ? ) , then they have been learning from their jungle cousins . Wire hangers ! That was the first thing . ( I will get less overexposed photos on Wednesday when I go past . These pictures are truly dreadful . ) The second thing I learned was that the jungle crows ' wire nest is now full of jungle crow babies . I could not see them , but I could hear them , over my head . I could not get into a good position to take a picture because some people were sitting on my usual bench ( how DARE they ? ) , but I can tell you that baby crows do not twitter and tweet . They do not have cute , baby bird voices . Jungle crow babies sound like they have been yelling at the top of their lungs since they hatched and their voices have gone all hoarse and cracked . They sound like heavy drinking chain smokers after a rough night . I hung around for a while , but the people on my bench looked like they were there for the day . I don 't think I 'll be able to photograph the cPosted by I 've managed to get peek - a - boo comments back , thanks to the wonderfully clear instructions from Stephen . I like being able to read comments without leaving the main page and only open a new window when I want to post . I was missing that in the new template . Isn 't it lovely to have it back ? ( If you decide to use this hack , you 'll need to turn off pop - up windows ( in settings / comments ) before you install it , then turn it on again when you finish . I would have managed to do this a lot faster if I 'd thought of that before I started . ) My only complaint now is that the comments in the main page ( not in the pop - up ) are too close together , and look a bit squished . I 'm trying to insert a little space between comments , and this seemingly simple task is driving me up the wall . If you have a clue , please pass it on . I seem to have become clueless , and may have to do some actual work ( class prep and so on ) in order to feel clever again . Yes , babies . There are two , at least . The mother had gone off somewhere and I took the opportunity to quickly try for some photos , holding back the rosemary and trying to focus with one hand . It didn 't work . It 's just too dark under there . I got several photos that are so blurry you can 't even tell they are kittens . But there were two , sleeping peacefully top - to - tail with their noses in each others bottoms . One is ginger and white and the other is dark grey and white . And then mother came back , and looked so anxious I felt guilty . ( Not guilty enough to not take a picture , though . ) I left some food , by way of apology . She accepted the food , but I 'm not too sure about the apology . You may have noticed ( and then again you might not have ) that I am in the process of switching completely to the new Blogger template ( as opposed to Classic ) , and making a terrible mess of things . I have changed the header ( but I 'm not sure about the new one , yet - what do you think ? ) and will gradually add all the other things that got lost when I did the switch . I keep thinking there must be an easier way , but since I haven 't found it , I 'm doing it the slow way . Excuse the mess . Things will be back to normal very soon . Quite soon . Soonish . You 're asking for more photos , but do you know how hard it is to photograph a cat that refuses to come out from under the rosemary bush ? I still haven 't seen the kitten properly yet , only heard it . I THINK it is dark grey , although that could have been something else entirely . It is still very , very small , judging by the squeaks and lack of activity . It was morning when I took this picture , and she hadn 't wiped the sleep out of her eyes yet . Also , she was still too sleepy to bother spitting at me . This evening , however , when I took her some fish , she growled and spat as I placed the dish under the edge of the rosemary bush . She was trying to say Thank you , but it came out all wrong . I 'm pretty sure she appreciated the fish , though . When I came back to check , the dish had been licked clean . I rinsed it out and left it full of clean water , in case she gets thirsty in the night . I 'm hoping to bribe her into letting me see her baby , eventually . At least I think I want to see it . I started thinking about the whole rosemary baby thing tonight , and , well . . . I don 't know . Maybe this whole thing is a big mistake . Maybe I don 't really want to know what she 's got hiding under that bush . But speaking of growling animals , today The Man and I went to the supermarket , and as we were parking our bicycles we were having a little argument about something . It wasn 't anything important or serious , but there was a bit of good - natured shouting . An elderly man walked past holding a small hairy dog just as The Man shouted something insulting back at me , so the insult went straight into the dog 's face . The dog responded , as he passed me , by growling . But it was a quiet , tentative sort of growl . It was a growl that said : You 're bigger than me so I don 't want you to actually HEAR me growl , but I 'm growling anyway , to show anybody who happens to be listening ( and I hope nobody is ) that I disapprove DEEPLY of that insult , and just don 't do it again , all right ? If you do , I will growl again , but not very loudly , probably , and I hope you won 't hePosted by Yesterday I was listening to Radio New Zealand , and there was an interview with Dr . Marc Wilson , who is a senior lecturer in psychology at Victoria University . He was talking about his study of conspiracy theories . ( That particular interview is still up , but will only be there for a couple of weeks . ) At one point Kim Hill asked Dr Wilson for the strangest belief that he has come across in his studies . He thought about it a bit and said that actually the strangest one was when he discovered that 50 % of the people he interviewed said they believed that the Rainbow Warrior was blown up by agents of a foreign power . I thought that was pretty funny ( what did the other 50 % think ? ) , and also a little bit sad . I guess we tend to judge the truth or otherwise of a theory ( or fact ) in a large part by the context in which it is stated , and in this situation ( given a list of conspiracy theories ) probably many of the interviewees were more concerned about not appearing overly credulous or gullible than about whether or not any given fact might be true . I suppose , if most of them were students , then they didn 't have any memories of the Rainbow Warrior incident . ( I 'm feeling old again . ) And of course , given that we don 't have time to put in the research necessary to make an informed judgment about everything we hear , we have to use context , possibly a lot more than we realize . New Zealand is not exactly a hotbed of activity by foreign agents or terrorists , so if you don 't know the facts , then the idea of foreign agents blowing up a ship in New Zealand doesn 't sound very likely . Still , it is sad that so many people don 't know the facts about that one . I wonder , though - can a conspiracy theory still be called a conspiracy theory if it happens to be true ? And which conspiracy theory do you favour ? ( Personally , I 'm in favour of the one that says George Bush is a shape - changing alien reptile . ) This morning as I went to get my bicycle , our rosemary bush , which is large and fragrant and has spread along one side of the house , squeaked . This was a surprise . Generally the rosemary bush is a quiet and placid sort of bush , and although it does grow rather extravagantly I have never known it to squeak before . When I approached it to find out what was going on , it rustled and then spat at me , making me jump . I could not investigate further because I had to go to work , but when I came home I approached the rosemary bush again , this time with my camera in hand . The first picture was not really a success . This is a rosemary bush , spitting . I took several more pictures , but only one got anything in focus . That was when I discovered I was being watched , very , very closely . It looks like a single mother has taken up residence under our rosemary bush . I THINK there is only one kitten . There was only one squeaking this morning , but there could be more under the house , I suppose . We will see . |
The WillowsBy : Krystal McLaughlin Chapter OneThere was blood on my hands . My eyes stared , fixated on the red streaks as tiny rivulets splattered on to the ground at my feet . It was warm and sticky as it dripped through my fingers and just as fast as the bloodlust had hit me , it was gone . In its place was a nauseated feeling made worse by the metallic scent perfuming the air around me . I hadn 't always been this way . There was a time when I had normal feelings , normal wants , and normal needs . Then the accident happened and with it had come the emptiness ; the feeling of numbness that never quite went away . At least it hadn 't , until him . I backed away from the body laid before me , mortified by what I had done , by what I had been doing . Who was I ? What happened to me ? What had I become ? The answers screamed through my mind , threatening what little sanity I had left . I had to get away . I had to run , and running , I let my mind remember what it had felt like to be human … " I 'm so sorry for your loss . " It was the same words , uttered over and over again until I wanted to scream . On either side of me , my brother 's Mason and Jackson seemed so gracious and thankful . It irritated me that they weren 't more irritated . I mean , I knew people probably were sorry , but seriously , who can honestly say they know what we are going through ? Every person reacts differently , plus I had never even seen half of these people . Why was it that when people died , they were more popular than when they were alive ? It just wasn 't right . An elderly man walked over to us . He stopped at Jackson first and held out his hand . Jackson , his eyes red rimmed and swollen , shook the man 's hand and murmured his thanks to the man 's whispered condolences . When he turned to me , I suppressed the desire to roll my eyes . Once again I didn 't recognize him . Once again I gritted my teeth when he leaned forward to hug me . Another question popped into my head , why do people shake hands with the boys and hug the girls ? It was creepy , really , if you thought about it . " Your parents were wonderful people , dear , " he whispered into my ear . His breath smelled of stale coffee and tobacco and I couldn 't help the shiver of disgust that worked its way up my spine . Luckily , he had already moved on to Mason and was slowly shaking his hand and offering the same condolences . " You could try to be a little more respectful . " My jaw dropped at Jackson 's words and I turned and glared at him . " I am . " I insisted stubbornly . I really didn 't need someone telling me how I should be acting , especially not my little brother . He shook his head and rolled his shoulders . " Whatever . " I gritted my teeth again . It was hard enough to get through the day without that added stress of someone judging me . It wasn 't my fault I felt the way I did . I wasn 't even sure how I felt to be honest . It was more that I didn 't really feel anything . " Hey babe , how are you holding up ? " I was so irritated with my brother that I didn ' tJackson groaned and threw his arms up in the air , " you can 't do this . Mom and dad would have wanted you to stay in school . " He walked up to Mason and put his hands on his shoulders , " they were so proud of you . " Mason gulped and leaned his head back . I thought I saw tears in his eyes , but when he looked at me , they were clear . " What do you think about all this Evie ? " I raised my eyebrows . Crap ! I so didn 't want to be in the middle of this . " I , um , I 'm not sure . " Before I could answer , Mason hugged me and kissed the side of my hair . " It 's okay , Evie , now isn 't the time anyways . There are people waiting for us downstairs . " With one arm wrapped around me , he used his other to pull Jackson close , " we 'll talk more about this later , I promise . " Jackson sighed , but nodded . " Fine . " Mason walked through the now deserted chapel and as soon as he was out of ear shot , Jackson turned and punched me in my arm . I spun and took a few steps , walking quickly to get away from him . I was tired of trying to answer this question when I didn 't even know the answer myself . I hugged my arms around my chest and wished I could cry , that I could scream , or laugh , or just lose it , but I just couldn 't . The emptiness wouldn 't let me . It didn 't take long for Jackson to catch up with me and he grabbed my shoulder . " Evie , wait . " He cursed under his breath and I let him turn me around , chewing on my bottom lip . " I 'm sorry . " He ran his hand through his hair and let out a breath . " Everything is just so fucked up right now . " " We can 't let Mason quit school . Mom and dad would be furious if he did . " He sat on the closest pew and lowered his head onto the back of the one in front of him . After a few seconds , he turned so that his face was towards me . " Help me convince him that we don 't need him home with us . " My eyes began to sting and for a moment I was sure the tears were finally going to fall , but stubbornly , they remained dry . I sighed , feeling exhausted , and nodded . " Fine , we 'll talk to him later , ' kay ? " Together , but not talking , we made our way downstairs . The room was already filled with people eating and talking . Proving that it wouldn 't take long for them to move on with their lives . I was pretty sure some of them had already forgotten why they had come here in the first place . I sunk gratefully into an empty chair at the table my friends had taken over . They had been laughing about something and when I arrived , they all stopped suddenly and cleared their throats awkwardly . I wanted to tell them that it was fine . It didn 't matter to me that they were amongst those who were already moving on , but I was just too tired to say anything . Landon leaned over and tried kissing me , but I moved my head , causing the kiss to land somewhere between my cheek and my ear . He laughed uncomfortably and sat back in his chair . Then there was silence . Awkward hideous silence . " Who the hell is that ? " I whispered . Even whispered , it sounded loud to my ears and a few people from the tables next to us , looked over at me curiously . I watched , a nauseated feeling starting in the pit of my stomach , as the guy Piper was with leaned closer and whispered in her ear . She giggled and moved closer to him . I stood up , my chair crashing to the floor behind me . " That 's just . . . sick . " At that point , I didn 't even care if I was making a scene . I felt like I was going to spew right there in the middle of the buffet the ladies of the church had set out . The room was starting to spin and I was seeing red . My brother , my sweet little brother , didn 't deserve that . How dare she bring someone else to our parents funeral ? It just wasn 't right . Mason and Jackson made their way through the crowds of people and each one of them put an arm around me . " Come on , Evie , why don 't we get home ? " Mason asked , " it 's been a long day . " Jane and Emma were just standing there , looking at me like they didn 't even know me . So much for always being there . Why wasn 't anyone doing anything ? Someone could have said something to Piper . " I 'm fine , " I whispered , all of the furious energy seeping out of me again , " I just have a headache . " I jumped back . " No . " They all looked at me confused and I took a deep breath . " I can do it . I 'll just call you later . " Pain flickered in Landon 's eyes , but he nodded , taking a few steps back away from me . Emma moved forward and put her hand on Landon 's arm , comforting him , but I didn 't even care . I just wanted to go home . I just wanted to go to sleep . Jackson walked with me through the crowds still standing there watching me , whispering behind their hands to one another . If I wasn 't so tired , I 'd be irritated . How dare they judge me ? Instead , I walked , my head lowered and my dark hair hanging in a curtain around my face , providing some small bit of privacy for me . Hiding the fact that my hazel eyes were dry and empty . When we got to the car , Jackson opened the back door for me and I curled up in a ball , laying on the seat under a blanket . I was shivering . I tired to thank my brother , but I was just so tired . Once closed , I just couldn 't open my eyes again . I vaguely remember the light coming on when the driver 's side door opened and Mason turning the key in the ignition , but that was about it . In the morning , when I woke up in my bed , I couldn 't even remember how I got there . Chapter TwoIn the end , it took almost a week to convince Mason that we could survive without him . Adams State College wasn 't too far away and he had agreed only on the condition that we call him whenever we needed him , he came home on the weekends , and our neighbor Oliver Gates checked in on us once a day to make sure we weren 't doing anything we weren 't supposed to . For the most part , it didn 't surprise me that he made the right choice . Jackson had been pretty adamant that our parents would have wanted him to stay in school and I had agreed with him . I also agreed that we were old enough to take care of ourselves . What did surprise me was that most of his hesitation came from his worrying over me . Me . Seriously ? I was a few months from eighteen , so that just didn 't make any sense to me . It made me feel confined , caged in a way that I wasn 't accustomed to , and I didn 't like it . School was beginning to sort of make me feel the same way . It seemed like there were always eyes on me . Watching me , judging me , waiting for something to happen . It was stifling and most days I left there in a hurry , trying to suppress the feeling of tearing out my hair or screaming like a banshee . October came , and with it , the air began to turn cold and the wind began to blow all of the leaves off of the trees . I was sitting on a picnic table outside for lunch when the first snow flakes began to fall . I was alone . I 'd been spending a lot of time that way , but today , it was mostly because I was the only one stupid enough to sit outside in the cold frigid air . Somewhere inside the school my friends were huddled together , eating and laughing , probably not even wondering where I was . Somewhere inside the school my brother was probably working in the library , skipping lunch because his education was so much more important to him . He was on the fast track to a scholarship and I couldn 't help wishing that it was him graduating this year instead of me . At least he had a plan , at least he knew what he wanted to do when he left this place . I had no clue . The future should be an empty canvas for me . An adventure waiting to happen , a story waiting to be written . I 'm sure that 's how most people saw it . I sighed , my breath fogging out in front of me and I rubbed my bare hands together to warm them . Pulling my cell phone out of my backpack , I checked the time right quick . I still had twenty minutes left for lunch . I laid my backpack on the bench and laid down on top of the table , letting the soft snow flakes melt on the heated skin of my face . Against my better judgment , I closed my eyes and relished in the feeling of the cool moisture running down my cheeks . I had become so emotionally numb inside that it felt amazing to actually feel something physically . I tried to let my mind wander and create stories , scenes , fantasies like it used to , but it stayed stubbornly blissfully blank . In those moments there was nothing to worry about , no questions to answer , no guilt dragging me into the ground . It was just me . So relaxing , so rejuvenating , these simple pleasures that I had taken for granted so many times before . What had I been doing with my time ? With my life ? It just seemed like none of it was important anymore . Sometime during those first few moments I fell asleep . I didn 't dream , I wasn 't out long enough for that , but I knew I had slept because one minute I was thinking that life was almost peaceful laying there under the soft snowfall and the next I was cold , wet , and the sound of a bell ringing off in the distance alerted me that lunch was over . " Crap ! " I sat up quickly and grabbed my bag off of the bench . The snow had really started to fall and I had to brush a layer of white powder off of myself and my backpack . I slipped in my rush to get inside the building and almost fell . Instead , my bag dropped , spilling my books out onto the wet ground . I was so busy scrambling to pick everything up , I didn 't notice that someone was walking down the sidewalk toward me until I knocked right into them . This time , I did fall . So did the person I ran into . " I am so sorry ! " I exclaimed , jumping back to my feet so I could help the person up . When I saw who it was , I dropped my hand back down to my side . I hadn 't seen her since the funeral . Or if I had , I had ignored her . " You saw me too , " I spat back rudely . There was something off about her . I wasn 't concerned , and I totally didn 't want her to think that I was , but I couldn 't help my curiosity so the question just sort of spewed out , " are you sick or something ? You look like crap . " She glared at me . " I 'm fine . " We stood there awkwardly for a moment before she pushed passed me and started walking back down the sidewalk throwing a scared look over her shoulder . " Hey , wait ! " I called after her , " are you ditching ? " I turned , annoyed and was going to say something that wasn 't going to be very nice , but there was something in her eyes that stopped me . She was chewing on her lower lip , something I did when I was nervous , and I couldn 't help noticing that her lips were super dry and cracked . Her eyes were bloodshot , she was wickedly pale , and there were dark circles under her eyes . This time I cursed under my breath , I couldn 't help it . " Seriously ? " I shook my head , too furious to say anything else , I spun around on my heel and took a few more steps before turning back toward her . " Here 's a question , how 's your new boyfriend ? Oh I 'm sorry , I didn 't catch his name when I saw him at our parent 's funeral . " She swallowed like she was fighting back tears and took a deep breath . When she brought her hand back up to hair , it was shaking . " You don 't understand . It 's not . . . I mean . . . shit . " I stood watching her until she was no longer in my view . Then , when I started shivering , I remembered that it was snowing and I was super late for class and I trudged the last few feet to the front door of the school . The halls were empty and my shoes made that squeaky wet sound as I hurried toward my class . I glared at Jane and pulled my hair up into a pony tail . The snow had soaked through my hat and I knew that I was a mess . " Yeah , I guess so . " My math teacher , Mrs . Seely , hadn 't been very happy about my tardiness and had made me stand in front of the class the whole hour working out equations on the board . My head was aching , my brain was tired , and my feet were cold and wet . I could only be thankful that this day was finally over and I could go home . Landon snuck up behind me and kissed the side of my neck . " I really wish you wouldn 't do that ! " I snapped at him , moving away . He threw his arms up . " Whoa , sorry I wanted to kiss my girlfriend . I won 't let it happen again . " He began walking away and guilt flared up inside of me . Jane walked with me , in silence , down the hall toward the front door of the school . I hadn 't really been spending much time with Emma and I wondered idly where she had been and what she had been up to . The three of us used to be inseparable . It was easy with Jane . She was mostly quiet and when I was around her I didn 't feel like she was going to judge me . There was nothing she expected from me . I found myself wondering if she had always been this way and I just hadn 't noticed or if it , along with my personality , had changed . We walked to the parking lot and then went our separate ways since we had parked on opposite ends . Jackson was already waiting by the car when I walked up . He took one look at me and laughed . " Want to talk about it ? " I threw my backpack in the backseat and climbed behind the wheel . I was already seat belted in before he even got inside the car . My head was throbbing and I rubbed absently at my temples , wishing he would just hurry up . It had stopped snowing , but the roads were wet , proof that it had at least attempted to cover our little town . Thinking about the snow made me think about Piper . I had tried to push her from my mind all afternoon , but I hadn 't been very successful at it . She had just looked so lost . It sort of made me feel bad that I had been so mean to her . A quick glance at my brother beside me though , brought all of my anger back and I bit my lip mulling things over in my head . The shrill ringing from Jackson 's pocket , had me jumping in my seat . He laughed at me , pulling out the phone and looking at the display . He frowned at whatever it was he saw and sent the caller to voicemail . He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat . A few seconds later and his phone was ringing again . Without even looking at it this time , he sent the call to voicemail . Then he turned and looked out his window . I wondered what he was thinking about . " Is there anything you want to talk about ? " I figured it was the big sister thing to say . Even though I knew he would say no and I sort of didn 't want to talk to him about Piper anyways . I nodded , relieved , and then groaned when his phone rang again . This time he turned it off and shoved it back into his pocket . " I 'm so over this day , " he mumbled . He turned in his seat so that he was facing me . " Are you okay , Evie ? " When I just stared blankly at him he smiled . " I mean really okay , about everything . " I smiled and reached blindly for his hand . When he wrapped his warm fingers around my cool ones I sighed . " I know . It 's just that I don 't really know what to say . I 'm not at all sure how I am feeling and why I 'm not really feeling anything at all . " I shrugged and pulled my hand back to place on the steering wheel . " Life . " I ran one hand through my hair , forgetting it was pulled back , and then pulled the holder out , shaking the long curls loose and massaging my scalp . " What 's the point of it ? Clearly nothing really happens for a reason . " I turned and looked him in the eyes . " Really , Jack ? You seriously believe that ? " When he nodded , I laughed cruelly , " what was the purpose of mom and dad dying ? What was the fucking point of that ? " " Screw what they would have wanted Jack ! " I screamed . " They aren 't here anymore . You don 't know what they would have wanted . " He shook his head but didn 't say anything . I pulled into our driveway and turned off the car but neither of us moved to get out of it . I leaned my head back against the head rest and closed my eyes . " I 'm sorry , " I whispered . " There are so many things to look forward to , you have to have faith . " He sounded so sincere , I opened my eyes and looked over at him . There was a very intense expression on his face and I busted out laughing , I couldn 't help it . He rolled his eyes , but when I couldn 't stop laughing , it made him laugh too . We were both having a hard time catching our breath we were laughing so hard . " Dude , you should have seen your face , you were totally freaked out ! " I rolled my eyes , grabbed the keys from the ignition and got out of the car . Oliver Gates was probably at least seventy years old . He was bald on top of his head , with pure white tufts of hair on the sides and backs . He always seemed to be frowning and when I was little he used to scare me , but he was nice enough and I knew Mason appreciated him for agreeing to sort of keep an eye on us . My brother was such a dork ! I swear , we my have the same dark chestnut hair and hazel eyes , but that was where the similarities ended . Not only was he almost six foot tall next to my puny five foot four , he was brutally optimistic and had a personality that people gravitated towards . Even during my good days , I wasn 't that charming . Ugh , I think I am going to be sick ! Jackson actually started laughing again and patted me , roughly , on my back causing me to fall forward slightly . I spun around ready to swing , but he had moved back , putting Mr . Gates between us and was holding his arms up in front of himself in surrender . I nodded , not really feeling the need to get into it with him . " I think I 'm going to go change my clothes . " I was still a little damp and just wanted to change into sweats and a t - shirt and veg out for a little while . " Why don 't you tell Jack all about life and he can share it with me later . " I laughed to myself at the look on Jackson 's face . For all of his joking and humor , he knew as well as I did , that once you got him started , Mr . Gates was talker . He 'd probably go over the meaning of life for the next few hours . Serves him right , I thought , as I escaped into the privacy of my bedroom . We lived in one of those houses higher up in the mountains than the rest of the town . Secluded kind of , with Mr . Gates on one side of us and a rich family that had the house on the other side of us and used it as a summer vacation home . It was a ranch style house so everything was on one level . My bedroom was on the back side of the house and I loved the three large windows on the back wall of my room . They looked out into the forest , and it wasn 't an odd occurrence to see deer , rabbits and other wildlife running around outside . What was an odd occurrence was to turn on my light and see Landon standing outside by one of them . After the initial shock , I hurried over and opened the window to let him in . " What are you doing here ? " I whispered , afraid that Mr . Gates would hear me . Instead of smiling , he climbed inside and sat down on the edge of my bed . When he looked up at me , he was frowning . " We need to talk . " His voice was starting to rise in his agitation and I hurried to my door , pressing my ear against it to see if anyone had noticed . " Fine , but you need to be quiet . If Mason finds out you were here he would freak out . " I wasn 't sure that was totally true , I was almost eighteen after all , but I also didn 't want to test my theory . Not now anyways . Not when this whole new living arrangement was so new . Feeling like I didn 't really have another option , I sunk down next to him . He reached out to take my hand and I let him . I was waiting for him to start , I had a feeling I knew what was coming and I wasn 't sure how I felt about it . I didn 't know what I wanted . He just sat there holding my hand , though , almost like he wasn 't sure what to say . " Look , Landon , I know that things have been . . . different . I 'm sorry . It 's just that I don 't know where I am . I am not sure who I am anymore . " The silence was killing me and I felt like I needed to say something . He turned to me . Here it comes . He 's going to do it . My heart was racing just waiting for the words to come . I was surprised when he leaned forward and kissed me . It was just a small peck at first , but when shock kept me frozen instead of moving me away from him , he took it as an invitation and leaned in again , this time running his tongue along my lips forcing them open so he could deepen the kiss . Okay , I 'm not going to lie here . Part of me knew that I would be relieved if had broken up with me . I just didn 't have the energy to try to make someone else happy when I wasn 't even sure how to make myself happy . When his lips moved against mine , though , and his hands moved up and tangled themselves in my hair , it felt good ; and good was something . I moved back on my bed , pulling him with me and laid back against my pillows . He laid partially on the bed and partially on top of me , pushing me further into the mattress . My breathing was coming hard and fast and I could feel his heart racing against my chest . He moved one of his hands down the side of my face and cupped my cheek before moving his mouth from my lips to the side of my neck and back towards my ear . My body was aching , begging for something I knew I wasn 't ready for . Something that Landon and I hadn 't even gotten close to in the past . The hand on my face moved lower , brushing softly against my chest before pulling up the hem of my shirt and resting on the bare skin of my side . I moaned softly and his mouth moved back to mine . " I love you , Evie , " he murmured . We had said the words before , but in this setting they sounded different , they sounded scary . I moaned again . Not wanting to stop and then wanting to stop . " Landon , please . " He misunderstood my meaning and moved his hand further up my side and around to the front , cupping me over the soft fabric of my bra . It felt so good . It felt so amazing as he began to caress me . It felt . . . terrifying . He wasn 't a jerk . This wasn 't one of those after school specials where I was afraid he wouldn 't stop . This was Landon . This was my boyfriend , my friend . I had know him almost my whole life . He rolled over and ran a hand up his face and through his hair . We were both breathing hard and when he turned and saw the look on my face he started laughing softly . " I 'm not mad , babe . It 's okay . " In answer to my question , he pulled me closer to him and pushed my head gently down onto his chest . I could feel his breath on my hair before I felt him press a kiss onto the top of my head . " I 'm sure . " We laid there like that for a long time . It could have been hours , it could have been minutes . I wasn 't sure and I didn 't care . All I knew was that when he finally got up and climbed back out the window , it was dark out . He stopped in the window and looked back at me . " I do love you , Evie . You know that right ? " I nodded , and satisfied , he left . It wasn 't at all how I had expected his impromptu visit to go and when I looked at myself in the mirror , my hair was sticking up and my cheeks were flushed with heat . Maybe this was the key , I thought . Maybe if I started doing things that were different , things that weren 't normal for me , I 'd start to feel something again . I 'd certainly felt something when Landon had his hands on me . Confused and unsettled by my thoughts , I grabbed a pair of sweats and a shirt and went to go take a hot shower . Jackson was zombied out in front of the TV playing a video game and grunted a greeting when he heard me walk by . Mr . Gates was gone and I chuckled softly wondering how long he had stayed to talk to Jack . Once in the shower and under the steaming hot spray of the water , I couldn 't stop myself from thinking back over my day . It had been just like any other day since the accident . Until the end , that is . Until Landon . It wasn 't surprising that he occupied my thoughts for the rest of the night . Jackson even asked me a few times what I was thinking about and then looked at me funny when I blushed . I figured that when I went to bed , I 'd be visited with images of what had happened and what could have happened between us if I hadn 't stopped him . My heart was racing just remembering his hands and my skin tingled where he had touched me . Thinking about this should have made falling asleep and dreaming about him easy . So why was it then , that just before I finally slipped into oblivion it was Piper 's face that flashed through my mind ? In doing so , it wasn 't the lovely forbidden pleasure of being with Landon that stole into my dreams , it was the image of Piper and the fear in her eyes that haunted them . At first I thought I was dreaming . It wasn 't normal for someone to be knocking on the door this early in the morning . I partially opened my eyes and was instantly even more disoriented . It was dark out . I looked at the clock on my nightstand ; five thirty a . m . What the heck ? I mumbled a few words under my breath and started walking passed him toward the living room . His arm shot forward and stopped me before I could pass . " That wasn 't the door . " He turned and glared at me , " if someone was at the door they would have rang the bell . " I raised my eyebrows , it wasn 't unheard of for someone to just knock , was it ? He held his finger against his lips again . " Get a clue , Evie , that sound came from the back of the house . " Now that he mentioned it , it had sounded closer to me then it would have if someone was at the front door . The two of us tip toed into the living room . My heart , thanks to my wild imagination , was racing and I was suddenly very aware just how secluded our house was . " Just stay here , " he said when we reached the front of the house . I nodded , not trusting my voice to speak . I was scared . I knew it was paranoia , but I was really scared . Just to humor me , I was sure , he unlocked the front door and looked outside . Seeing nothing , he turned back toward me , " stay here , I 'll be right back . " I cowered behind the couch . My palms were sweating and my adrenaline was pumping . The injustice of having my baby brother go and check on things wasn 't lost on me , and feeling a need to feel empowered , I hurried to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife from one of the drawers . When I returned the front room , the door was still wide open , but there was no sign of Jackson . I crept toward the door and looked outside . I was blasted with a gust of icy wind , it had snowed through the night . Our house had a porch that wrapped around either side , so wrapping my arms around myself , I took a few steps out onto it . There was no sign of Jackson , but the sky was just starting to lighten , making it easier to make out the shapes around me . " Jack ? " I whispered it , and then laughed to myself realizing he wouldn 't be able to hear me . " Jackson ? " I called a little louder . Off in the distance , it sounded like branches cracked followed by a loud crash . I jumped and then took off running around the side of the house . My first thought was for my brother . I wondered if something had happened to him . Fear was radiating off of me in waves and I was sure that I had never been more scared . Just as I was about to jump off of the porch to walk around to the back of the house , an arm reached out and grabbed me . I screamed so loud , I figured it was just a matter of seconds before Mr . Gates would come running to see what had happened . The knife fell from my hand clanking to the ground , the sound echoing around us . " Evie , Evie . . . calm down , it 's me . " Jackson hugged me to him and laughed while he comforted me . Wrapped in his arms his body felt relaxed and normal . He wasn 't scared at all . So I leaned back and punched him . Hard . " Ow ! " " What the hell was that ? " I asked him , sinking into a nearby chair . That didn 't really calm my already frazzled nerves . " That doesn 't make any sense Jack . We both heard it , there was someone out here . " For some reason , one that I will never understand , the thought of it being a person was more comforting to me than the thought of an animal or . . . something else . We sat there for a little while longer , both of us just looking off into the forest and wondering what had caused the noise . When the sun had risen completely , I stood up . " I 'm going to go take a shower and get ready for school . " Jackson waved me away and then took my place in the chair . An hour later , I walked into the kitchen . For the first time since the accident , my hair was fixed , my makeup was on and I wasn 't just wearing ragged old jeans and a sweatshirt . Jackson looked up at me and his jaw dropped . " What 's the occasion ? " He asked through a mouthful of cheerios . I blushed . I could actually feel the heat as it rushed to my cheeks . " No occasion . " I wasn 't about to tell him that the night before I had engaged in a rather invigorating make out session with my boyfriend and was maybe starting to feel back to normal . " We were already up . I had time to get ready . " He shook his head and smiled , but I ignored him . It was still pretty early , but after we both finished breakfast , with nothing better to do , we decided to go to school . The roads were a little slick anyways , especially for my beat up Cavalier , so I was thankful for the extra time . In the seat next to me , Jackson was messing with his cell phone . It looked like he was scrolling through the text messages and he was frowning . " Piper ? " I asked . I wasn 't sure if he was exaggerating or not , but the look on his face made me not want to pry so I turned the volume up on the radio and let the music wash over me , mellowing me out . There were butterflies in my stomach when I thought about seeing Landon . It made me hopeful . I hadn 't felt this way in a really long time and I was determined to hold on to it and enjoy it . Rocky Point Colorado was small enough that pretty much everyone knew everything that happened . Still , when we pulled into the parking lot of the high school and saw the lights flashing from two cop cars in the no parking zone , the hair on the back of my neck stood up . Something was going on . Jackson sat up straighter in his seat . Both of us scanned the area for any clue as to what was going on , but there weren 't a lot of people there yet . We were still really early . I pulled into a spot and we both jumped out of the car . He shook his head and I saw a shiver run through him . " I don 't know . I just . . . " he turned intense eyes on me , " you know me Evie . Just don 't forget that . " I nodded , " what is this about Officer ? " It was beyond my comprehension that Jackson could be in trouble for anything . He was an amazing student and had never been in trouble , well real trouble , a day in his life . Piper ? What the hell ? I felt dizzy . I felt sick . If they were asking about her , did that mean that something had happened to her ? " Yesterday for me . " I looked sideways at Jackson and he had gone completely pale . " Jack , have you seen her ? " I knew the answer was no , I mean he had been home with me , but I was still relieved when he shook his head no . " Well all the same , we were told that the two of you were close . If it 's okay with you , we 'd like to get permission to speak with you . " This from Officer Sutherland . " Yeah , we can call Mason . I don 't think he 'll be in class yet . " Jackson fumbled with his phone and it fell to the ground . His hands were shaking . I watched the officers look back and forth between each other and the look they exchanged made me nervous . They nodded and I linked my arm with Jackson 's while we walked behind them toward the school . " Have you talked to her ? " I whispered to him . He shook his head , but there was something in his expression that led me to believe he wasn 't telling me everything . " Those texts this morning . They were from her , right ? So just tell the officers what she said and that you didn 't get them until this morning . " He gulped , but didn 't say anything . We walked the rest of the way to the office in silence . My mind kept racing to the last time I had seen Piper . She had been acting strange . Should I tell them that ? I chewed on my lower lip . No . They 'd think I knew something more than I did . I really didn 't want to get involved . I closed my eyes . What if I was the last person to see her ? Could I handle more guilt ? " Evie ? Do you know what time it is ? What 's wrong ? " He sounded panicked and I wanted so very badly to tell him that I had called just to tell him good morning , but I couldn 't . Almost immediately Officer Sutherland motioned for me to hand him the phone . His voice sounded really freaked out and I looked at Jackson . He was staring out of the office window . His face was still pale , but completely blank . I had no idea what was going on in his head . I really wanted to grab his cell phone and read those texts , but I didn 't want to draw attention to them . " Mason Magwire ? I understand that you are the guardian of Jackson Magwire ? " A short pause . " No , he 's not in trouble , we just want to ask him a few questions . " Another pause . " Sure , I 'll let you talk to him . " Officer Sutherland handed Jackson the phone and turned to me . " I 'm going to have to ask you to wait outside , ma ' am . Your brother is not in trouble , we just want to talk to him . " I nodded , feeling like I didn 't really have a choice , but I was disappointed that I couldn 't hear what Jackson was saying to Mason over the phone . I walked out to the receptionist part of the office and sat down by the door . Out in the halls , the noise level was increasing , a sure indicator that school was still going on like planned despite the news of Piper 's disappearance . It was sort of sad . I 'd like to think that she mattered . That we all did , but I guess life really does go on . " Is that Jackson Magwire in there ? " The nurse whispered back . The receptionist nodded . " Oh that poor kid . What could they possibly need with him ? He 's such a good guy and that poor family has been through enough . " Hello ! Didn 't they see me sitting here ? I wanted to scream at them . Luckily , the buzzing of my cell phone distracted me . I just hoped that when they realized who was sitting in the office with them , the were sorry for talking about " my family " . What the hell is going on Evie ? I wrote back : I don 't know . Something about Piper . I waited for a response , but I didn 't get one . I figured that , knowing Mason , he was running around his dorm room , throwing clothes in bags . It was Thursday so he would have been coming home tomorrow anyway . I just figured it was a good thing for him to come home . I wasn 't sure how to deal with Jackson , or how he 'd feel after this little discussion . I jumped , but smiled slightly when I saw Landon 's head peaking around the door . I stood up and walked out of the office . We stopped just around the corner from it . He pulled me into his arms and despite not knowing what was going on behind the offices closed doors , it felt good to be in his embrace . He pulled away from me and looked down into my eyes . " Why are they talking to Jackson ? Shouldn 't they find that asshole she dumped him for ? " The thought hadn 't occurred to me , even though it should have , and I could only hope that Jackson mentioned that . " Yeah , you 're right . I don 't know . He seemed scared though . I wish I knew what was happening . " The first bell rang . That meant he had exactly three minutes to get to class without being late . " Shit ! I 'll text you later , babe . " He leaned down and kissed me briefly on the lips . " Love you ! " He called over his shoulder when he rushed down the hall away from me . I waved at him and then rubbed my hands over my face . I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep and start this day over again . My emotional numbness was threatening to sneak back in and I rubbed my arms against it , much like I would rub the cold away . Pacing had never been something I thought much about , but while I waited for Jackson , I found myself pacing back and forth in front of the office . I was too keyed up to sit down . My mind kept bringing back Piper 's face in high resolution and I twirled a piece of hair nervously wondering if I should say something . The bells signaling the end of first period and the start of second , came and went . People looked at me curiously as the walked from one end of the school to the other , but no one said anything to me . Word had spread that I had sort of had a breakdown at my parents funeral and while you would think that would have people showing me some sympathy , it mostly had them steering clear of me . The car ride home was just as quiet as the one going to school that morning . With the exception of an awkward uneasiness between us . I was actually relieved when I pulled into our driveway and put the car into park . Jackson was up and out of his seat in record time , leaving me to scramble to catch up to him . " Jack ? Do you want to talk about it ? " Inside I was boiling over . I wanted to grill him . I wanted to know everything they asked and everything he said , but looking at him , I knew he wasn 't up for it and I wasn 't going to pry . He shook his head . " I just want to lay down . " He started walking down the hall toward his bedroom and I followed him , deciding that lying down sounded great and I wanted to test my theory about going back to sleep and waking up to a different day . I had just passed him when he stopped me , " hey , Evie ? " He nodded , seeming satisfied with my response and disappeared behind his bedroom door . I stood there for a few seconds and then walked through my own . I stopped in front of my mirror and laughed at my reflection . " So much for getting ready today , " I said out loud . My sweats and t - shirt were still lying in a heap on my floor and I quickly changed into them . Then I walked down the hall to the bathroom and scrubbed the makeup off of my face and pulled my hair up . On the way back to my room , I stopped at Jackson 's room , tempted to knock on it and make him talk to me . I even went so far as to put my hand on the smooth surface . After a few seconds , though , I thought better of it and went to go rest . Who could have ever known that not forcing my brother to talk to me in that moment would be the biggest regret and the heaviest guilt I 'd yet to encounter . Certainly not I , or my actions would have been so very different in those moments . Instead , I slept . Blissfully unaware that in the weeks proceeding this , I had only thought my life was over . In the weeks to come , it really would be . Welcome to my blog ! I am a young adult author and advocate for youth literacy and education programs . Let 's make the best out of every one of life 's obstacles and strive to create our own magic ! First off let me say thank you so much for having me here today ! It is such an honor to be featured on your blog : ) 1 . Who are . . . Thank you for stopping by . With all of your help I am sure that we can make the first book in my Enchanted Island Series - The Witches Lottery - a huge success ! I look forward to hearing your comments and will do my best to answer any questions you may have . |
The dream was what they call a lucid dream . That 's where the dreamer knows that he 's dreaming . I never had one before , so it was the most amazing experience of my life . I was in this place that was pastoral . There were fields , and trees , and flowers , and a bit of fence that seemed to serve no purpose . There was a dirt path that went from somewhere to somewhere , but I don 't know where . There were no animals or birds , which was a bit odd . But it was all very beautiful . The oddest thing , though , was that there was no sun in the sky . The sky was pearly - white , and the daylight was subdued , like on a thinly overcast day . There were no clouds . Right away I knew I was dreaming . I don 't know how I knew . I just knew . So I followed the path to see where it would lead . It rose and fell gently with the terrain and turned left and right . And then it passed between two rows of very tall trees , which appeared to have been spaced precisely , and I thought , There 's some intelligence here . And overhead there was a canopy of branches and leaves , and the path below was shady . And it went perfectly straight for some distance . And when I got past these trees , I saw fields again . And to the left there was a stream with flowers and grasses on the banks . And on the near bank , a couple of hundred feet ahead , someone was sitting . And as I walked closer , I saw that it was a young woman . She was blonde and wore a pale yellow dress . " John . " She certainly looked real . She looked perfectly normal . This never happened to me before . " Is it possible for two people to be in the same dream and they 're both real ? " " One wouldn 't think so , would one ? " One wouldn 't think so , would one ? I didn 't know anyone who talked like that . " Of course , if a third person shows up , we may both be in trouble . " This was getting to be too much for me . I stepped close to her and took her hand . She didn 't flinch . I was holding a real hand . I looked at her all over . She was too real for a dream . " I guess that 's logical . " This woman was much smarter than me . I was liking her more and more . I didn 't want to lose her . I thought , I don 't want to wake up . The house was not far away . It looked very plain - a one - story cottage of wood . The white paint was faded . The roof was thatched and had a little chimney . There were two windows . There was no garden around the house and no path leading to the front door . Nearby was a tree of a type I didn 't recognize . There was no lock on the door . Jay opened it and led me in . There were no interior walls , just a few vertical wooden beams supporting the roof . There was no back door . There was no furniture . There was a small fireplace , but it looked unused . The floor was bare wood . It was true . The house was perfectly clean , as if it had never been lived in . I walked all around and touched the surfaces . I could see the nails in the carpentry . It was all quite normal . " I don 't get this , " I said . " That 's right . Here . Look closely . There are four different shapes . You have this one with a lobe on the left . I called it the left - handed mitten . And this one has the lobe on the right . That 's the right - handed mitten . And this one is the double mitten , with lobes on both sides . And this one is just the plain leaf with no lobe on either side . " " I don 't need to know . We 're not on earth now . " She frowned slightly and started walking away . Then she stopped and offered her hand . " Come . " I took her hand again and we walked back in the direction of where we 'd originally met . I noticed there was no breeze . It was neither too warm nor too cold . This place , whatever it was , seemed to have no changes in it . So I kissed her gently on the lips . And I knew instantly that I loved her . But I said nothing because I simply had no words for such a moment - not here in this place . We held hands and walked slowly , and then she stopped as if something had distracted her . " Oh ! - John - . " And she disappeared into thin air . And I stood there , heartbroken and disbelieving . I was 32 years old and living in Allentown , Pennsylvania . I worked as an assistant supervisor in the warehouse of a distributor of electrical parts . I was single , unattached , and had a small house and a mortgage . I am not a brilliant guy . I 'm just average . So when I found myself back among familiar , mundane things , I was not sure what had really happened . I 'd had a dream in which I knew I was dreaming , and I 'd met this woman who had insisted the same thing . At the time - that is , in the dream - I believed she was real . But how could she be if I was dreaming ? Two people couldn 't meet in a shared dream . Or could they ? I was no mystic or philosopher . But I did not know the word " conundrum " , so how could I have dreamed it ? I was very depressed about all this . What I was most depressed about was falling in love with this woman and , the next thing , she vanishes into thin air . I wanted to believe it was real , but then my loss was real , too . I hadn 't set foot in the public library since high school , but I went and picked several books on dreams off the shelf and sat down and studied them . They all had some mention of lucid dreams , but there was nothing to explain my experience . A lucid dream was still a dream . That was no help to me . And then I remembered the sassafras tree . I found a book on trees with pictures of every kind of tree in North America . And there it was . And there were the four different shapes of leaves . Now , maybe I could have heard the word " conundrum " once and it stuck in my unconscious mind . But I definitely had never seen the leaves of a sassafras tree . And what it said in the book was what Jay had said . It was a southeastern tree and did not grow as large in the north . How could I imagine someone in a dream who could tell me something I didn 't know ? I thought about whether I should talk this over with someone , but who could I talk to ? Anyone would think I was nuts . Or else they 'd give me some bullshit explanation from psychology or something . I 'm not good with big ideas and big words . Explain it to me in plain English so I can understand it , otherwise don 't waste my time . I went over all of it I don 't know how many times , and I always came back to the same thing : somewhere in the world there was a real woman named Jay , and we had met in a lucid dream , which was the same for both of us . I wanted to find her again , but I didn 't know how , except by having the same dream again . But I didn 't know how to do that . I kept trying , but it didn 't happen . People were starting to notice that I was different . I didn 't want to socialize . I didn 't call people . I was gloomier . I didn 't laugh at jokes . I didn 't bother to chip in for the lottery pool at work , and I was the only one in the whole workplace . That was really noticed ! If someone asked , " What 's the matter ? " I would just shrug and say , " Nothing . " So I just pushed myself through the days in a mechanical way . Some days I managed to distract myself enough that I almost forgot about the dream . But other days I would just stare into space and lose myself . Almost three months had passed since the dream . When Thanksgiving came , I avoided all invitations . I told everyone that somebody else had already invited me . I had a turkey TV dinner and a bottle of cheap bubbly wine and fell asleep fully dressed . - Then I had the dream again . I was in the same place where I 'd started before . The fields , the flowers , the fence - exactly the same . The sky was the same pearly - white with no sun . There was no breeze . The temperature was moderate . My God , I 'm back ! I 'm here ! And the only thing I thought of was to look for Jay . I followed the path as before , and it was exactly the same . It passed between those two rows of tall trees , which created a shady canopy . I walked right through and came out facing the same stream . And there was Jay , sitting on the bank in the same yellow dress . But this time I saw her first . And when she saw me , she jumped up and came to me . There were tears in her eyes . " John ! " she said , and she put her arms around me . And I held her , and I must have cried , too . " Don 't try to understand . Just make the most of it . " And she pulled me gently by the hand . " Let 's just walk . " So we walked slowly , following the stream , which turned this way and that and made little waterfalls as it passed over little ledges . We were following it upstream , but I had no sensation that we were climbing the terrain . In the distance I could see the outline of hills , which looked purple , and there seemed to be forests . There were flowers everywhere , but there were no birds or insects , no fish in the stream , and no sign of other people . If this was a dream , whose mind did it spring out of ? If Jay and I were both real , was this place real , too ? We had to be somewhere , but it wasn 't earth . Earth - like , yes , but nowhere I could imagine . " It 's not coming from me either , " she said . And she stopped walking , and we had our arms around each other . " I 'm happy , " she said . " I 've never been this happy before . " The phone was ringing , and I was back in bed , still fully dressed . I 'd forgotten to turn off the phone . I was so angry with whoever was calling . How stupid of me to leave the phone on ! Damn you , phone ! And I let it ring and ring and then finally relented and answered it . " Jeez , I shoulda called earlier . We just had our dinner and I just thought of you . Why don 't you come on over and have dessert with us . We 've got too much food here . And there 's a game on TV . What do you say ? " I had to make up an excuse . " I think I 've got a flu . I 'm sure I 'm contagious . The best thing is for me to sleep it off . Really . " I 'm not sure if Mike bought it . If I was making a bad impression , I couldn 't help it . I just excused myself and hung up . A few weeks later I had the dream again , but this time she wasn 't there . So I understood this much , at least . I might be there , or she might be there , but it was pure luck if we were both there at the same time . The other thing I got settled in my mind was that I no longer had any desire to talk this over with anyone . Nobody would understand . And it was too private . Several months passed before Jay and I were together again , and this time we had a long time together . We went exploring upstream , and we didn 't worry about getting lost . We both felt that we couldn 't get lost as long as we were together . And another strange thing I didn 't realize till then : we never had physical needs . We were never hungry or thirsty , hot or cold , or tired , and we never felt sexual urges . Nevertheless , we were in love . We came to a place where there were spectacular fields of flowers . I didn 't know flowers , but Jay knew most of them . And the way the flowers were arranged with so many colors , it was as if some intelligence had arranged them that way . But it wasn 't like the gardens you see in a park , which are very neat . It was more like a bunch of artists were let loose to use their imaginations to create this astonishing landscape . And I realized I knew very little about Jay . And another thing I realized was that she didn 't seem as surprised as I was about this place . She seemed to know … something . Yes , I supposed it was simpler . We were together . What else mattered ? I could see and smell all these flowers . I could hear the gurgling stream . I could see the pearly - white sky above . And we were quiet together , and time passed , although I can 't say for sure how much time . " Well , so what ? If we could meet on earth , we 'd be together all the time . We wouldn 't have to leave it to luck . " I tried to suppress the deep anxiety I was feeling . I had tears in my eyes . I took her hands . " I 'm having a real hard time understanding this . " " I know , " she said . And then she looked up and blinked several times . " Oh ! - I 'm leaving now . " And she faded away . My hands were holding air . And I was too sad to go anywhere . I just stood under the tree and looked up at the leaves . I looked for the four different shapes - the left - handed mitten , the right - handed mitten , the double mitten , and the plain leaf . They were all there . All very green and perfect . My eyes went from leaf to leaf , looking at each shape , branch by branch , and at some point I woke up and was home in bed . There followed a period of six dead months . Dead days on the calendar , one after another lost and forgotten . Days without life or meaning , just a great desolation . I thought I 'd lost her . I had one false start . I was starting the dream and then was awakened by a siren on the street . That was the worst thing ever . My other dreams were sad and morbid . I don 't want to talk about them . I was oblivious to holidays . My sullen mood was noticed at work . When one of my co - workers remarked jokingly that I must be having " woman troubles " , I replied harshly and walked away . I was becoming bad - tempered , which was unlike me . I no longer had friends . People stopped calling . At times I thought I was losing my mind . I fantasized about suicide and acts of violence . I wondered if I was destined to end up in a mental hospital . Then I had the dream again . I was back in the same place . And I didn 't want to wake up before I found out what I needed to know . And I was determined to find out . I found Jay again in the usual place beside the stream . She gave me a serious look . " You 've got something on your mind , " she said . " That 's not what I mean . " I took her by the arm , and she faced me . Her eyes were serious and I was a little afraid of them . I was afraid she 'd say no . I was afraid everything would be ruined . I was afraid she 'd stop loving me . " No , I 'm not putting you to a test . Look , I 'm just an ordinary guy . I don 't understand this . " I made a gesture of helplessness with my hands as I looked all around . " I want to know where you live . You must live somewhere . " We were looking into each other 's eyes . I could see conflict in hers . She probably saw desperation in mine . Or did she see a fool who couldn 't understand where he was , who couldn 't be satisfied with what he had ? I hugged her . " I 'll try real hard to remember the number . If I don 't call , it means I 've forgotten it . " We embraced and just stood there for a while . I could hear the gurgling stream . I looked at the flowers and fields and the pearly - white sky . And I hoped I was doing the right thing . I called the next day . I had remembered the number . Jay 's voice sounded a little bit different over the phone - a little older . I had a pen and pad ready to take down the directions . My hand was shaking from excitement , and I could hardly read my own handwriting : Jay Eppley , St . Martin 's Road , Piper , N . J . She gave me directions to a certain point , after which I 'd be " off map " and would have to follow her landmarks and watch my odometer . She said there was no signage in her area and I would have to come in daylight or I 'd never find her . St . Martin 's Road had only two houses on it . The first one I would see had a mailbox with a figure of three magpies . After that , I was to go exactly 1 . 4 miles and look to the right . Her house was set back about a hundred feet from the road , with a minimal driveway that would just barely accommodate a car . I figured it would be about a 3 - hour trip . We agreed that I would come on the next Saturday . Nothing was said about my staying over . I forgot to ask . When I put down the phone , I felt that everything was perfect . The problem was solved . We were on earth now , not in some dreamland where meetings were unpredictable and uncontrollable . That Saturday was overcast with the threat of rain and cold enough to require a heavy coat . Not unusual for early April . I hadn 't slept well the night before and wasn 't feeling my best . I started to worry . Would I get lost ? Would the visit be okay ? Allentown to Philadelphia was easy . Getting through Philadelphia was slower , and I had to check my map . I never liked Philly . I found it depressing , especially on a day like today . I was taking Highway 90 , giving Camden a wide berth . From then on , I relied on my map to get to Wharton State Forest , and then at some point I had to trust Jay 's directions . The New Jersey barrens may look beautiful to a nature - lover in good daylight and mild weather , but in these conditions I found them ominous . They made me think of The Blair Witch Project . I don 't know why any civilized person would want to live in such a place . Calling it rural would be too polite . This was remote . You 'd never believe that such a large desolate area could exist in New Jersey . I found St . Martin 's Road , which was unmarked . It was a gravel road , probably impassable in the worst winter conditions . I drove slowly and eventually spotted the mailbox with the magpies . Then I watched my odometer and let it turn over exactly 1 . 4 miles . There on the right I saw her house . It was a peculiar little house - part stone , part wood , and not belonging to any particular style . It was set in a small clear space with trees all around the back and sides . There were no outbuildings . The only decoration was a low fence in front covered with vines , and a little gate that was not even waist - high . The door was of brown wood and was very weathered . There was a little window in the door . There was no door bell or knocker , so I just knocked with my hand . The door opened , and a woman stood there smiling . She said , " Hello , John . " And I wondered who she was . She resembled Jay but was considerably older and not as beautiful . " It 's me , " she said . I stood there , perplexed . " Come in out of the rain . " And she pulled me in gently by the sleeve . The house was not well - lit , so she turned on another light . " Don 't you recognize me ? " The eyes were the same . The facial features were the same . Even the complexion . Her hair was a little darker . Her voice was a bit deeper . Her height was the same . Her figure was almost the same , allowing for a little weight . I suddenly felt a bit faint , so I took off my coat . " I 'm confused now . " My voice was weak , and I was a little afraid . " I don 't understand . How can you be Jay ? This isn 't a joke , is it ? " And I held her closer and smelled the fragrance in her hair . It was the same . " It is you , " I said . " What happened to that nice yellow dress you wore up there ? " She was wearing a brown print dress of a style I think is called an Empire dress . I looked at her hands . They were the same , but older . I was looking at her up and down . She led me to the kitchen , and I sat down at a heavy wooden table . The kitchen window faced the back . There were just tall trees . On the outside ledge of the window were numerous potted plants . The rain was letting up . She served me an herbal tea . I looked around . The house was uncovered stone half - way up and wood - paneled above that . Everything was like from some earlier age . You couldn 't really tell when . The kitchen was minimal in its appliances . I sipped my tea . My mind was stuck . Here I was with the woman I had declared my love to , and I couldn 't think of anything romantic or even intelligent to say . " How long have you lived here ? " The house had four rooms - the kitchen , the living room , a bedroom , and another room that was almost empty except for a small , old - fashioned bed and a very small chest of drawers . The room looked as if it had never been used . Overall , the furnishings were very sparse . There was a small bathroom that looked pretty normal but very old . Adjoining it was a small laundry . The phone was in the bedroom . It was one of those very old rotary phones you don 't see any more - the heavy kind made of metal , not plastic . The walls of the bedroom and the spare room had dozens of small paintings - oil , I think , because there was a thick texture to the paint . They were all the same size - about 8 ″ x8 ″ square . And each one had a circle that I took to be either the sun or moon . It was painted in a solid color , and the background had a different solid color . And all the combinations were different and made a beautiful effect . In the bottom right corner of each one I could see small initials : J . E . There was nothing in sight with any sort of date on it - nothing to pin the house or its occupant to any particular point in time . No newspapers . No photos . There was an attic accessible by a pull - down ladder , but there was nothing in it . And there was a small space under the floor which served as a cellar , but it was empty , too . She doesn 't accumulate stuff , I thought . After I 'd seen everything , she took me by the hand , and we walked back to the kitchen and stepped out the back door . The rain had stopped , and the sky had gotten a little brighter . It was late afternoon . I felt so strange . I was on earth , but I had never stood in such a place . I had never experienced such a moment . I could have been in any country , in any time . It was as if everything here had decided never to change . I can 't put these things into words very well . Here I was with this woman I had fallen in love with in a dream . Was this place a dream , too ? And who was I ? Was I the man from the dream or the man from Allentown ? Was I still real ? I felt I might evaporate and disappear , like from the dream , but then where would I wake up ? Where was here ? Jay took my arm and rested her head against me . " Poor John , " she said in a slightly humorous way . " Are you sorry you came to visit me ? " " No , " I said . And after a moment I said impulsively . " I 'm sure you 'd say no if I asked you to marry me and move to Allentown . " " What a silly question . " And I embraced her gently - but still not really understanding - and we stood there without speaking for a while . And the thought came to me : If I love this woman , why don 't I have any sexual feelings ? And I couldn 't tell if she did either . We sat in the living room . There was a low fire in the fireplace . I sat without touching her . I was holding a starfish , which I assumed had once been real - that is , alive . It occurred to me that I still knew almost nothing about Jay , and she was deliberately not telling me things - that is , normal things that people want to know . How is it that we had met in a lucid dream and continued to meet ? And was that all over now ? And why was she older on earth ? What was I supposed to do with all this ? Was I supposed to be in two worlds and carry on a complicated relationship ? " Ah , " I said , as if I understood , but I didn 't really . She seemed to understand everything better than I did . She seemed less surprised by things . She knew too much , or so it seemed . But I guess it 's relative . I was ordinary and had spent all my life among others like myself , so what did I know ? Why would she love such a dullard as me ? How could I explain ? " Maybe I 'm stupid or something . I 'm trying to understand all this , and I 'm not getting it straight in my head . I just don 't know what to think . " " We have more answers inside ourselves than we realize . Search inside yourself , and you may find the answers . Or you may decide you don 't really need any . " That was no help at all to me . I wanted her to explain everything in simple terms . I wanted to know what was going to happen to us . I looked at the clock , and she noticed . It was dark out . I was silent for a moment . I really didn 't know what to do . Finally I said , " I need to go home . I think I should just go home and think . " She shook her head , smiling slightly . " Stop looking for reassurance . That would be a step in the right direction . Think , decide , and act . " She collected the dishes and put them in the sink . I stood in front of her , coat unbuttoned , wondering if these would be the last words I 'd speak to her . " Well … " But no words would come . So she kissed me gently on the lips and said , " Get home safe , John . " I drove back the way I came . I was very mentally distracted , however , because I made a wrong turn somewhere and got myself lost in those horrible barrens for an hour . By the time I found a paved road with signage , I was disoriented and heading in what I thought was the right direction . Well , it was sort of right , but I ended up on the wrong highway and found myself crossing the state border at Camden , a total hellhole . I had to stop at a red light in a dreadful neighborhood to check my map to see which way to Allentown , thinking that at any moment I would be swarmed by hoodlums coming out of the shadows . I eventually got out of there , found the highway I needed and got back to Allentown . When I got home , I was stressed out by the drive and needed a few drinks to calm down . Then I went to bed , thinking about Jay , and about the dream , and about the barrens , and what else I don 't remember . As it happened , we were doing inventory at the warehouse , which was immensely tedious because it had to be done manually . I had a heavy responsibility for it but was not at my best . My underlings caught me in two mistakes and joked about it . In the lunch room someone made a quiet comment to somebody else , which resulted in restrained laughter . I knew it was about me because I caught him nodding toward me and tapping his head . I finished my coffee and walked out . I 'd been thinking and looking for answers , but I got nothing . The strange thought crossed my mind that maybe I 'd been the victim of an elaborate hoax . The Jay I met in the dream had given me the phone number of a much older sister , who then received me in New Jersey and pretended to be Jay . But what would be the point ? What kind of joke was that ? And it didn 't explain the dream and everything that was in it . No , it was Jay in both places . And I guess I still loved her . But what if she got older a second time - and I mean like an old woman ? And if I wasn 't going to live in the barrens and she wasn 't going to marry me and move to Allentown , where did that leave us ? It was too much for my poor , dumb brain . Two weeks after my visit I woke up and certain things were clear in my mind . I loved Jay , no matter how she looked , and I 'd gladly go live in the barrens with her . We could get married or not . Didn 't matter to me . But life without her was too hard , too lonely . I called her number and got a recording that said that number was not in service . My mistake , I thought . I dialed again very carefully . Same message . I panicked . What 's going on ? Maybe I waited too long to call her , and now she 's through with me ! I called Information to see if she had a new number . They had no listing for her anywhere in that area code . I asked the operator if the town of Piper was listed at all . It wasn 't . I had to go there at once . It was Easter Monday , so I had the day off . But I 'd be getting a late start and would be arriving in darkness . I found the original directions and got my map and got in the car and drove off . I was sick with fear that I 'd lost her . If there was a reasonable explanation , I couldn 't think of it . But I was hoping that when I got there , everything would be okay . I got to St . Martin 's Road faster than the first time . The sky was clear , but it was dark . I looked for the mailbox with the magpies , and I found it . Then I noted the odometer and drove exactly 1 . 4 miles . The house should have been on the right . There was nothing . No clearing , no little driveway . I must have made a mistake . I made an awkward three - point turn and returned to the mailbox with the magpies . This time I counted the clicks on the odometer out loud . At 1 . 4 miles I looked , and there was no house . I shined my flashlight , but it was too weak . I turned the car and aimed the headlights . There was just trees . I stepped out of the car and walked inward , but there was no house . This is impossible ! I thought . I was out of my mind with fear and confusion . I got back in the car , backed up very slowly for a considerable way and kept looking to the right . Nothing . Then I went forward slowly , looking to the right , until I got to a dip in the road and realized I 'd gone too far . The house physically had to be along that stretch of road that I 'd checked and rechecked . But it wasn 't . I stopped the car and turned off the ignition . I looked up at the stars . God help me ! God help me ! I sat in the car and cried . I lay across the front seat and felt sick . I don 't know how long I was there like that . Such horrible , morbid thoughts . I wanted to die . And there was the moon in a crescent , and I watched it move behind some branches , and I was getting cold . I sat up and had no ideas . Maybe I had just dreamed everything - the dreamland , Jay , the house . Maybe none of it was real . I must have lost my mind . I started the car and just drove slowly straight ahead . I drove quite a long distance before I came to a paved road . I turned left for no reason . I saw a service station that was open , which surprised me . I stopped there and got out . An old white guy came out and asked what I would have . I asked him , " Is there a town around here called Piper ? " I got some gas just to be polite to the old guy , and to make sure I didn 't get stranded in the barrens . And then without much attention to direction , I drove until I got to a highway , and eventually got oriented . I drove for hours in a daze until I got back to Allentown . I was beyond sorrow . I was numb . I was angry with God for putting me through such a cruel joke , whatever it was . I sat in front of my window looking out at a deserted street . And whatever thoughts I had are gone , and who cares ? I was just an ordinary guy who didn 't understand enough , and I had to suffer for it . I drank and took pills for a long time after that . I struggled to get through every day at work . I wondered if there was anything I could do ? Should I hire a private detective ? Should I go to a psychic ? Should I go back yet again and search ? No . It was all pointless . It would only make it worse . I could never forget what had happened . All I could do was try not to think about it . XXX on the calendar . Another week . Another month . Rip it off . Repeat the process . That 's all . I was " Silent John " to my co - workers . My boss asked me why I 'd undergone such a " personality change " . I just shrugged and said , " Can 't explain . " He said he knew a nice psychiatrist , and maybe it would do me some good to see him . I said no , not interested . Every night when I went to bed , I thought , Maybe I 'll have the dream . But , of course , I didn 't . And in fact I never had the dream again . In early November the strangest thing happened . I had returned home from work , and as I was getting out of the car , I noticed something . On the floor mat on the passenger side , there was a leaf . I reached in and picked it up . I recognized it . It was a sassafras leaf - the double mitten one . I couldn 't imagine how such a leaf could 've gotten in my car . And what made it even stranger was that it was now autumn , but this leaf was perfectly green and fresh . I took it into the house with me . I brushed it gently to remove any dust or dirt from the car and put it in a little bowl in my bedroom . Copyright @ 2013 by Crad Kilodney . E - mail : crad166 @ yahoo . com Thank you to all my readers , old and new , for your support . This is the last piece I will publish in my lifetime . My French book , Villes Bigrement Exotiques , is still in print . Published by Le Dilettante ( Paris ) . December 21 , 2013 at 7 : 39 pm You 're done writing forever ? This makes me genuinely sad , tho I 'm glad to see you let go of the bitterness . I will miss you . December 29 , 2013 at 11 : 50 pm Beautiful piece , and in so many ways , unlike anything you 've written before . A great writer is a constant adventurer . Thanks for it , Crad . Peace to you . January 25 , 2014 at 6 : 34 am A marvellous , transporting piece , Crad . It has that realer - than - real lucid dream quality , and a poignancy that will linger long after the reader awakes . Thank you for this experience . Crad isn 't doing so well ; if I were a believer , I would say , Pray for him . I am a believer ( almost ) : I will say , Definitely , Pray for him . You know one of the great things , a woman taught me , about prayer ? You don 't have to be a believer , to do it . Same with faith . Funny thing , about that : it isn 't our faith , in Christ , that saves us , but his faith , in us . One of the BIG mistranslations of Saint Paul . Anyway , Crad isn 't doing so well . March 15 , 2014 at 2 : 10 pm Sorry to hear . I 've been thinking a lot about Crad lately . Still remember those times we spoke on Yonge Street , and what I learned from him . Should have sent him a note or card sooner . I 'll put something in the mail today . |
The dust is settling finally . I can see without tears blurring my vision , as often , and I want to continue my journey . I realize the pieces of the puzzle I have will not result in a completed product , there will be holes but I guess we all have them . I can only share what I remember and understand from where I am standing at this moment . The beautiful moment will be my future self reading these words - having a better perspective from the mountain tops I will climb and conquer in my future . My parents decided to move from one town to another . This is a small place , off the beaten path . Parents sometimes think that small towns are safe , but you never really know whats hiding in the shadows untill you really settle in . Everything seemed fine . Better than fine it was a dream come true in many ways . Mom and dad were building their dream home . It was beautiful , huge and inviting . A warm home , inviting and it was a safe haven - in the beginning . Lots of land to explore and roam free in . A place where the dogs could run free and my sister had plenty of room for her ever - growing collection of critters she wanted to care for . A horse to ride in the afternoons and care for . And lets not forget the new friends she was making right away . A wonderful new start . A chance to re - create herself , to be a strong girl and not the victim she previously was . I don 't know how it all started because I had already moved out and lived pretty far away . Because of our age difference I wasn 't getting the story from my sister but instead from my mom and dad . Mom was pleased and dad was had his reservations but he traveled a lot and had to trust that mom had a handle on things . One of my brothers would have still been living at home but he wanted to finish his senior year at his high school so he didn 't move with them . The distance was not just miles between them but because of the activities and friends that took up his time he really was left behind during this phase of my sister 's life . Sister got active in her school . Swim team , and cheerleading soon took up much of her time . She was also active in a few different church youth groups which pleased mom . Usually we are not looking for a wolf in sheep 's clothing , they are so cleverly disguised ! A little town has lots of advantages . But one serious disadvantage is the prejudices you don 't see right away . My sister was very pretty and she had many boys lining up for a chance to win her heart . They were sweet and nice but maybe not enough of a challenge . I don 't know , that 's just my guess as to why she chose to give her heart to the misunderstood tough boy . His mother was the picture of lower class . Her toothless smile at her young age , bralessness and dirty mouth all gave her away . I don 't consider myself to be prejudiced but I do try to see the difference between what a person says and does . This mother was at church every sunday and had been trying to make the best of what she had - but she also took advantage of every situation she could . She really liked that my parents were better off and she pushed her son towards my sister influencing them as much as she could . Who could blame here , she could see the advantages my sister had and who wouldn 't want the same opportunities for their own child . unfortunately the rest of the town was not as naive as my family . As soon as my sister started running around with him the other boys were no longer knocking on my sister 's door . We didn 't know why but we soon learned a long hard lesson . She called him her sunshine . My sister was in love . He was 15 and on the football team , and involved in the church youth group . He also introduced my sister to pot . I guess it was exciting to be a good girl with a bad boy , no one really knew how bad he was ! Dad wondered why a boy of his age was even spending time with a girl of 12 . I think my dad had a good idea of why the sunshine was interested in her . Dad said they could not go on dates and spend time alone together but mom was not the enforcer of rules . Besides dad was gone a lot so his advice was not followed . My sister had mom wrapped around her little finger and mom didn 't have any reason to mistrust my sister yet . When he turned sixteen he told my sister all he wanted for his birthday was for them to be together . HE wanted her virginity for a birthday gift . She snuck out of the house that night to meet him in the woods and there she gave him his gift . She later found out he spent the night partying with the older kids , one girl in particular . My sister was crushed but determined not to lose him . He became a challenge and she did not want to lose . She was sneaking out more often now . Smoking pot together with him and his friends . Still a cheerleader but not being involved with the other girls as much anymore . I remember mom talking about it , wondering why the other girls didn 't call and come over anymore . My sister brushed off the questions . I am sure she had good explanations . Mom , didn 't dare to push for more information but I am sure she had her questions . Sometimes we don 't ask because we just don 't want to know we hope instead that the problem doesn 't really exist . It was a little crazy . Mom decided she wanted to visit me so she packed her suitcase and left for a couple of weeks . Dad was traveling a lot but the plan was my sister would go to school and sleep at a friend 's house when dad wasnt home . Well , who in the world makes that kind of deal with a teenager ? I told my mom she was nuts to believe my sister , but no one wanted to listen . Yes , everyday she took a few things to his house after school . She was home when dad was , just like she said she would be . Dad wasn 't snooping in her room so he didn 't notice it was getting cleaned out . Suddenly she was gone . My parents tried to talk with sunshines mother . But it 's hard to get a child back when another adult is giving really bad advice to two teens in love . My sister was skipping more and more school and was just about to have to repeat the school year . Maybe that 's why she wanted mom and dads help . Obviously they thought this was their chance to get her back so they bribed her with a car , a tutor and who knows what else if she would just promise to move home . My sister is not stupid so she took the deal . Mom and dad presented her with a contract to keep the perks she would have to quit seeing him . Quit smoking . Quit skipping school . Sure she signed the contract ! But she didn 't keep her word . Drinking and driving . Smoking . And running away became the norm . I often received confused and depressing phone calls from mom . I advised she needed to be harder and consequent with my sister but mom didn 't have the strength . I believe she felt bad for all the hard times my sister had growing up and just hoped this was all a teenage phase . Hopefully this to would pass . There were some other boyfriends off and on . She couldn 't always keep her sunshine on a leash like she wanted . He would break up with her and make her crazy flaunting his other girlfriends at the football games and my sister would take him back as soon as the others girls tired of being treated badly by him . Having sex with the popular girls boyfriends made her feel powerful . She also would have sex with guys downstairs in the laundry room while mom and dad were upstairs . Catch me catch me catch me - is what her behavior was screaming but no one seamed to hear . She was pretty unpopular with her old friends by this time . Obviously just proving you can have sex with a guy and then telling his girlfriend doesn 't get you many friends either . Lots of enemies in a small town can start a war . Even if it doesn 't start a war that everyone hears about it certainly doesn 't create a safety net of people you can count on when you need help . Time flew by and suddenly she was 17 . She moved in with him . She was in her senior year of high school . He was unemployed and lived with his mom . My sister worked after school and paid for everything - she was almost failing out of school but hey she was with the love of her life , living in his mother 's trailor . The older friends were getting into more than just pot smoking . Some were starting to sell heavier stuff . You could see they were involved in other things , their clothes and attitudes did all the talking . It was strange to see her trying to balance these two worlds . A cheerleader , working girl , living in a trailer and visiting mom and dad sometimes just to leave in a huff if they dared to question her decisions . It wasn 't untill the day my mom went to give my sister a hug and she cried out in pain that my sister really took their help to get away from sunshine . She told her story of fear to my parents . The black and blue marks all over her shoulders and ribs supported her story of abuse that she had been hiding . He pushed into walls , and would hold his hands around her neck just long enough to let her know her was serious . He strangled the dog many times in front of her , kicked and threw him into walls when my sister wouldn 't do as he asked . He drugged her and loaned her out to friends . Why didn 't she leave ? Well he wasn 't dumb either . He had taken photos of her passed out , having sex with other guys and taking drugs . He threatened her with the fact that he had photos and would put them up all over town if she tried to leave him . Then everyone would know what a whore she was . Mom and dad would see the pictures - she didn 't want that . She didn 't want to hurt them . So she stayed , she really tried to keep the secrets they had . But when mom and dad finally knew , my sister let them rescue her . Dad drove to the trailer while sunshine was not there , who knows where his mom was at the time . Dad got sisters things and the dog and left a note that they would call the police if he showed his face . The funny thing is that my sister remembers this as them making her leave him again . She doesn 't remember this as her escape with their help , but instead that they made her leave because they were scared for her . She felt forced , talked into leaving . It just goes to show how messed up a persons perspective is with drugs and domestic violence as a daily routine . It doesn 't matter . At least she was safe , from him . But she wasn 't safe from herself . Before the senior year was over two of her friends were going to jail for dealing and the other for having unlicensed guns at the house when the police raided him . She was getting very thin . Could it be the stress ? Or did it have something to do with the pictures of her with a gas mask on her face inhaling something ? High , so high in the following pictures . What was she doing ? This time she moved to a college town 40 minutes away . Mom and dad were giving her money to pay for classes and helping with an apartment that she shared with 6 other kids . To bad everyone was into ice at the apartment . Crystal meth , her new love . They would lose contact with her for weeks at a time . Showing up for dinner and having a myriad of new friends with her every time she came by my parents home . Leaving them no time for conversation and questioning . Just hugs and smiles , a little money and she was off again . Fourty minutes is just far enough away to live a whole different life and keep it to yourself . To pay for an apartment and keep herself in her drugs she started stripping . Not a whole lot of time left for classes so she dropped out . The next time mom met her for lunch a couple of months later she was maybe 90 pounds at 5 ' 4 ″ . Her clothes were hanging off her small frame . She was a skeleton mom told me over the phone . My sister needed help . Her friend was also an ice user and had been having seizures sometimes after getting high . This time she had been foaming at the mouth and even after several minutes was confused and didn 't know her name or where she was from . My sister was high too but knew her friend needed help . Mom picked them up and drove them to the hospital . My sister later told me she was so nervous to be in the hospital because she had a bag of ice in her pocket of her jacket . She kept the jacket on not knowing what to do with the drugs and no one even asked her , not even the police they spoke with while waiting for the friends parents to arrive . Seizures . My sister somewhere in her haze realized she had to make some changes . She decided to get clean . We didn 't really know very much about her addiction at that time . The only obvious things was that she had a problem - but mom and dad wouldn 't put her into a rehab and she probably wouldn 't have gone . She did tell me later about her experiences in the VIP rooms of the strip clubs . Breaking lightbulbs when they didn 't have a pipe to smoke the ice from and crazy things like that . I would listen and look at my beautiful sister trying to imagine her slumped over with her girlfriends in the alley high as kites . No , it was impossible to make the images in my mind real ! It just couldn 't be my little sister . Sometimes when I watch certain movies that have scenes in them just like my sister described I wonder how she survived it all . It wasn 't pretty . It was a nightmare that had to end . And it did kind of , for a while . It can be dangerous to detox . But she decided she would do it at home . She moved back in with mom and dad and went through two and a half weeks of hell . She puked , crawled in the hallways screaming and crying . She said she was sick . Mom and dad said she was sick . My husband at the time said she was detoxing . Scary . She survived , I love her my silly stubborn sister . Finally we can say that her heavy drug use was behind her but her addictions were here to stay . Watching sister - 4 Posted on October 21 , 2013 by mainbean So here we are in the beautiful neighborhood . A dream come true for my step dad and the whole family . But sometimes beautiful things hide mean people . Not just mean people but mean children . Little sister was a sweetie . She was trusting , and just wanted to be friends with everyone . I don 't know if she tried to hard and that 's why she didn 't fit in , but how can a four - year old try to hard ? She was different and as the years went by you could sense it but never put a finger on what the difference was . Being late with reading and writing is not uncommon for first graders . School never got easier . Being a little slow in studies , and even in social skills . Not being able to read the sarcasm in what another said to her - she just took things at face value . If you told her she was pretty or that you liked her shoes she believed you ! If you said it with a sneer she just registered a smile . Unfortunately she was not shy she was outgoing ! unfortunately , is the way I describe it because she just kept putting herself out there in harms way . By not hiding she made herself a target for the bullies . It was not uncommon that she would come after the school bus had already left because she had been chased around the block and had hidden in the bushes . When she came out the bus was gone . She cam home with blood in her hair because she was chased by kidsand they had sticks . They didn 't catch her but they did get a couple of wacks in before she got away . She was punched in the mouth on the school bus and came home with her tooth in her hand . She asked if the tooth fairy would still leave her money even though she didn 't lose it by pulling it out herself . Finally she met a best friend . A little boy a couple years older than she was . He wasn 't popular either but they had each other , and their animals , fish and insects - together . They would be life long friends these two . She was the funny little girl at home with her invisible friends , and her black poodle that followed her everywhere . She made messes and we picked up after her . A pattern that continued our whole lives together . I am 8 years older , the boys are 6 and 4 years older . That age gap made a space between us that seemed to grow . Little sisters ' older siblings had lots of activities all the time . We didn 't really notice all the trouble that followed her . Of course when her teeth were punched out and she was hit with sticks we would pay a visit to those kids and make threats of our own - but we were never at the same school , on the bus or at the playground . The teachers and bus drivers just let things happen . I guess it 's harder to keep after the bad kids all the time . It 's easier to say to the victim to try to stay away from them , to wipe a tear away and tell her everything would be ok . Well , through the years rivers of tears would fall from my sisters eyes and her heart would be broken many times over . But she would just keep putting herself out there for better or worse . As I write I realise she is almost a little superhero . Nothing kept her down and she never gave up . Not yet , time would tell us otherwise . Even the strongest can not fight forever through a lonely life . There were behaviors I remember that mom would try to take care of . Sister had a big stuffed unicorn , that she would like to ride on the back of . Her riding of the unicorn was a concern for mom . The kids thought she was funny - a little naughty but whatever ! Mom ended up taking my sister to a child psychologist ! I didn 't understand what the big deal was . I was busy with my activities and friends so I didn 't really pay attention either . There was talk of the pictures she would draw for the doctor - tree 's with big holes in them . Always holes in the trees and other things the doctor would point out . Nothing very serious in my eyes but what did I know ? I knew nothing . Untill one day mom received a letter . The letter from hell . Mom cried and cried . She yelled and threw things and cried some more . No explanation . So being the teenager , that had been the protector of mom and sister since childhood I went looking for that letter . I found a lot of things over the next few weeks while I looked for that damn letter . I found little baggies , coin bags , roach clips and tin boxes stashed around in different places . Yes , I put two and two together . Mom was smokin when we were at school . It explained some things about her behavior . I called up some of my friends from middle school and gave the stuff away . I hoped mom would confront me but she never did . I continued my search for that letter and continued to grow in popularity from the free gift bags I would hand out to my experimental friends . Mom must have had the letter with her wherever she went . She probably read it daily , to try to believe what the written word was telling her . She must have gotten tired of the constant rehashing of the horrible news . So , one day she left it at home . Under a stack of other papers in one of her desk drawers I found it . My hands were shaking and my mouth was dry . I sat down at her desk and removed the letter from the envelope . I didn 't recognise the name or the return address but it was from the state we lived in when my sister was born . It turns out that the letter didn 't really hold any bad for us news per say . Nothing you could put your finger on anyway . There were a lot of questions , uncomfortable questions though . I read that the my sisters father had re - married after we moved away . He married the woman he had an affair with while married to my mom . They divorced after 6 months though because that woman found nude photos of her two daughters from her previous marriage . The photos were not just of naked kids at the beach , or running around the house like kids do . These were posed , the little girls were posed in different exploitive positions . Nothing natural about the photos . These little girls were the same age as I was when we lived with my sisters father . truly amazing I was spared this experience . Why ? Why was I spared ? I will never know . The letter continued to inform that the mother of the girls filed for divorce but never made any charges against him . Again I wonder why ? Shame ? Fear ? I will never have those answers . Those answers change nothing so I don 't even care if I were to receive an explanation today . The woman writing the letter was the current third wife . She was young , 17 years old and had just become a mother herself . A mother that was scared and concerned and she had a bad feeling but couldn 't put her finger on why . Her daughter was having rashes , between her thighs . He said it was diaper rash but that he tried to have her air dry as often as possible without a diaper . The problem was , the baby never had those types of rashes when she was with the mother . Yes , only when she was with him . You see they separated soon after the birth because he was having an affair - this meant that he had joint custody . That little baby went between the parents like my sister did . That little baby got funny rashes between her thighs like my sister did . That was it . I sat there stunned , cold , empty . The emptiness was replaced by anger and hate . Anger , mistrust and hate that I would carry for the rest of my life . Anger that I couldn 't save my sister , that I didn 't know and understand before I read it in a letter . Angry that the letter didn 't just come out and say what I understood . The words danced around and taunted of and unwritten accusation . Abuse . Sexual abuse of MY LITTLE SISTER . I wanted to puke . I wanted to murder him . I wanted revenge . But instead I cried and trusted that mom would fix this . The adult would somehow take care of the situation . Now she almost had evidence to prove what she suspected but feared to be true . But sometimes , even evidence that comes to late doesn 't help shine the light on the path we should take to right the worng . Maybe she didn 't know what to do . She just cried and covered her eyes and hope the masturbating on the unicorn would stop . The holes in the trees would maybe stop being drawn in every picture . Maybe things would just straighten themselves out ! Life never straightens itself out . We have to take responsibility , action for our reactions . All I have learned is that bad things happen and we have to deal with them or they will deal with us . This was silenced . It was not spoken of . Many tears fell in silence from my mothers and my eyes . The worst part is that my sister cried too . She mourned not because of the memories of the trauma but because of the scars it left behind . Scars that were not explained to her . Feeling of dirtiness and worthlessness she didn 't understand . A sexual awareness that had been awakened and never a support to help her handle the burden and guilt she carried . Of course we didn 't know this had colored her life in the way it did . Soon though , soon we would see that all of this was just the calm before the storm . Soon the sunshine of her life would show up . She would call him " her sunshine " . How could we know he was just the guard of hells gate in disguise ? Oh sister , you can 't save every stray dog and cat . You can 't nurse every critter back to life . Please stop trying to get the pigs in the pig pen clean , they are getting you all dirty . Mom was becoming more agitated . I didn 't understand why untill a few years later . I do remember there was talk of rashes . accusations and then the custody battle began . Battles are never a place for children , but never the less we are often in the middle of full - blown wars . We were bystanders . Many things heard , were never understood but was affected us . I believe that my mothers tears were the worst part for me . The loneliness of having someone taking care of two children while emotionally unreachable . It was about this time that my aunt became terminally ill . Her failing health became a light moment in my and my sisters life . We were needed and came to the rescue of the other side of the family . We packed a suitcase for mom , sister and I and flew to the other side of the united states . Surrounded by turmoil and love at the same time can be hard for children but I remember this as a great time in my life . We rallied around my aunt . She was in and out of the hospital . I was playing with my cousins , living in the same house as my cousins , grandparents and the youngest uncle . Full house the tv show had nothing on us ! My aunts husband was the financial supporter . He needed care takers for his wife and two boys . My grandparents were handling the finances but not really to the content of my uncle . Mom was given the job , and new issues for the family to be in disagreement grew . Everyone tried to keep the peace for my aunts sake , but she would not live forever to make sure the peace was kept . It was a few months a freedom and semi - peace for us but eventually we had to fly back and resolve our little family issues . Mom and my sisters dad wanted to try one last time to work things out . I don 't know how long they tried but it seemed like forever for me . I wanted to move back to my grandparents and cousins . The death of my aunt brought us together again . Mom won the custody battle so this time as we packed the Uhaul and prepared for a long drive across the united states it would be a permanent move . The trip in itself is etched in my memory . My uncle was driving us from one side of the united states to the other . We sat all four in the front of the Uhaul . I don 't know if the seatbelt law and babyseat law was passed yet , but we didn 't follow it . We are lucky to be alive . My memory of falling asleep , my head on my moms lap and my sister on the other side also asleep . I woke up but didn 't open my eyes . Something felt strange . That feeling of something not being quite right was what woke me I think . It smelled funny . Thats what I remember . It smelled in the cab of the uhaul . Ash was dropped on my leg and started to burn as my mom quickly brushed it away . Is what I heard . I turned my heard so they wouldn 't see the tears squeeze out of my eyes , it burned where the ashes fell even though they had been brushed away . My mom didn 't smoke and neither did my uncle that I knew of . How could I know what roach clips were for anyway ? I think he fell asleep at the wheel because suddenly we were being thrown around in the cab . My sister and I were on the floor and stuff was flying off the dashboard on my head . Maps , paper , diapers , everything was everywhere as we slid to a grinding halt . My mom and uncle jumped out of the cab . My sister and I climbed up on the seat . I remember looking out the window and seeing our things strewn over a stretch of the road we had been traveling . The truck we were pulling behind the uhaul had flipped on its side throwing most of my uncles belongings everywhere . The police and the tow truck showed up . I remember they uprighted the truck and the police officer told us how lucky we were to have not had a more serious accident . Apparently the shoulder of the road had a drop off and the truck wheel went over it getting caught , throwing everything off kilter and causing our accident . I still think it was because they were high , tired and fell asleep . I have asked them but I never get a straight answer even today . Back with the extended family I was happy . Lots of damage had been done to our family so far but I thought we were finally safe . I now had my uncles , grandparents , cousins and sister all to myself . All together , where I could keep an eye on them . Ten year olds think they have a lot of power over life - I was mistaken . Mom took over the finances for my uncle . She took care of his boys while he worked and traveled . It didn 't take long untill she was the black sheep again and grandpa never liked my little sister . So we had two black sheep . Words filled with poison were thrown around about my sisters father , making my sister also a recipient of the poison . Mom took over and my grandparents moved out against their will . The free ride was over and they were not happy about it . Or so I have been told . Apparently that was moms fault and sisters too . I don 't know how I was so lucky to be the one that was loved . Lucky to be the one that is loved , while those I ' love and try to protect are despised and hurt . This kind of love is a curse and a burden but that is my story . All under the same roof , and love is bound to grow . Love , safety , dependency . There is a difference but sometimes its such a fine line , that the line just seems to disappear . There was eventually a wedding . A promise to keep us safe and raise us all together in love . I finally had the brothers I wanted in addition to my little sister . Life was good . We moved . We moved again . New job , new location , advancement , new location and so it was for a few years . finally there was a move and a promise to stay put for a while . I suppose that when you have been chosen to walk the long hard road it doesn 't matter where you live . Challenges present themselves everywhere . And my sisters challenges began again . Beautiful house . Beautiful neighborhood . Upper class . we each had our own rooms and shared bathroom for girls and one for the boys upstairs . A bonus room over the garage full of toys and vhs tapes . My sister loved every animal every created , fish and bugs too . She collected and cared for everything . One day she would have 100 children and be a veterinarian . She always said that . A big dream she would never let go of and would never come true . To watch a sister 2 Posted on October 6 , 2013 by mainbean It was the same neighborhood , same house , same yard but there was something very different . How can I explain it ? The feeling was different . Maybe it was because mom was crying all the time again . She had been crying a lot off and on my whole childhood . Usually a flood of tears was a warning sign for me but this time my sister was crying all the time too . Mom said she had colic and her tummy hurt . Mom was crying because she was tired , or so she said . But it still didn 't feel right . He was never home on time for dinner . Sometimes he just didn 't come home at all . I remember this because I had to wait to eat . Sometimes it seemed like forever , I was so hungry , but we had to wait , for him . I suppose mom wanted to punish him , make him feel bad that we all waited for him and he didn 't show up . Give him a guilt trip by making me wait for him too . But really , we were all being punished . I started to get angry . All this crying , everyone was crying except me . Apparently I started to act out , being rebellious in my way . I wouldn 't come to the dinner table either ! She called me and I didn 't want to just sit there so I stayed in my room . I knew I wasn 't going to get any food anyway I had to wait for him , so I just assumed wait in my room . To outsmart me mom enlisted my help . She told me she knew where he was and I could help by calling and telling him I was hungry . I could ask him to come home so we could have dinner . That never went over well . The other woman always answered the phone . I had to ask if dad was there . " Yes he is here " . She replied , followed by a silence that I assume was uncomfortable for her . I just waited for him to be put on the phone . " Mom , wants you to come home so we can eat dinner . It 's dinner time and I am hungry . " I replied . I wasn 't mad , I was hungry . It was simple enough . He would be there later . We could eat before the food got cold . Mom of course let me eat then . It 's not easy to eat by yourself at the kitchen table with mom crying over by the kitchen sink . She wasn 't hungry she said . Again . When he was home he was quiet . He was friendly to me . He did what he needed to do then he was gone again . It was like winter in the house all year that year . No more camping , or our usual motorcycle weekends in the desert with the rest of the gang . No more motor - home trips . And eventually no more daddy . He took some of his things from the house and started sleeping at his parents home . He still had a room there , and we were left to live in the home he owned before we became a family . I wasn 't his daughter . I knew that . I was almost ten years old now . But his daughter was MY sister . It was strange for me when she had to start sleeping some nights over at his parents home too . I remember mom asking if he was going to have the crib or playpen for her to sleep in . " Nope . It 's a big bed she will have room . " Was his reply . Mom didn 't like that . She told me she worried that sister would fall out of the bed . What could we do ? Why would he let her fall out ? Maybe she would fall out while he was sleeping ? I didn 't know what to think . I was lonely without my little sister . It was a sunny day . They were fighting as usual when he came to leave sister back to mom . No More of this ! I was mad at them , they were dumb ! Yelling yelling yelling ! I changed my sisters diaper . Got two bottles , powder formula , hot water thermos , three diapers , her blankie , diaper bag and her stroller . We were outta there ! I walked right out the front door . This was not unusual because I loved to take walks with my sister . The german shepherd followed me to the end of the driveway and paused . It would be a good idea to have him with us too , that way if i had nightmares while we were gone I could snuggle up to him and sister too . " Come " was the command I gave and we were off . Two runaways and a dog . I stomped off with determination . I was angry and I talked out loud to my sister . I explained everything was alright , we were just going on a walk but I knew we were NOT going back there . All that yelling , sister going , coming , going again . Enough ! I was so proud . I felt so big ! Grown up ! If no one else was going to make a decision around there then I would have to help them out ! Two blocks later and I wasn 't stomping anymore . We passed one of my friends houses . He lived alone with his mom . That wouldn 't be so bad , to live just mom sister and I . We kept walking , three blocks stretched into five . Now at the end of the fifth block was another friends house . Her house was different . It was almost magical it was so beautiful . My friend had a little sister too . The mother and two daughters were the most beautiful people I had ever seem . White blond hair , dancing blue eyes , and a daddy whom they were always hugging . I don 't know if that 's true but it seemed like everyone always laughed and hugged when I was there . I always wanted to sleep over , and was invited many times but I still wet the bed so I was to embarrassed to try sleeping over . I still think about that sometimes 28 years later ! I wonder where they are , and if they still have a shimmering magical house , hug parties and dancing eyes . I stopped and looked at the house . I hoped my friend or her parents would come out and ask me where I was going . I wanted to tell them we were running away and maybe they would adopt my sister and I . But no one came out . No one was out on the street at all . I had no choice but to walk that last block to our destination . The end of block six was a huge towering fence . The planks were so close together there was no way to see what was behind the fence . But I knew . It was a giant field . They were to start construction back there . I played army with some friends back there sometimes . An old abandoned fridge , a huge dead oak tree with a hollow space in the trunk just big enough for my sister and I to jam ourselves into . That was my goal , the oak tree . It would be our first place of refuge . I made my way along the fence , kicking the bottom of the planks individually looking for the loose ones i usually snuck through . When I found them the sun was high in the sky . I remember thinking how hot it was and how silly I didn 't have water for me . Only powdered formula and hot water for sister . Well , I would have to get used to being hungry because now I was in charge and she was to come first . What an ordeal . I held the post to the side with my foot and placed one item at a time on the other side of the fence . I had to go through first to get the dog over . Then I took my sister out of her stroller and sat her behind the fence with the dog and went back to fold up the stroller and push it through . I was sweating now ! Stroller up , sister in , hang the bag on the handles and now to the tree . Sister was getting tired of our long walk . She was hungry , that meant I had to hurry or else the crying would begin . As I looked out over the field I was surprised at how much taller the grass had grown . It was almost up to my waist ! Tall grass was good for playing army , but not so great for two runaways that had to have a stroller with them . It seemed like forever to move forward maybe 10 - 15 feet . Sister was now crying , it was hot , bugs were biting us and the dog left me in search of shade . Traitor . If I had a rope he could have helped me pull the stroller . I would take a rope next time I ran away . So typical that my sister would poop now ! Perfect ! Not usually a problem but out here ? Ok , I took out the blankie , diaper and wipes and tried to lay them on the tall grass . I lifted her out of the stroller and it tipped backwards spilling all the contents of our runaway supplies . She cried , I was sweating . " Just changing your diaper and I will fix your bottle . " I tried to reassure her and myself . But she cried anyway . Her cries escalated into screams . I changed her , made the bottle and sat myself on the blanket and held her while I fed her . My tears stung my eyes and cooled my cheeks . I was so sad , and angry . I couldn 't just give up either and walk home . I had all the stuff and the stroller plus sister to get back through the fence . I had never been so angry in my ten years . I felt like I was on fire ! A volcano rumbling to warn the world . But no one heard the rumbles and no one dried my tears . I fought my way back through the 10 - 15 feet of grass . I struggled through the same process of finding the loose planks and transporting everything one item , including my sister , at a time . As I backed out through the planks I looked up and across the ocean of tall grass I saw it . The tall oak tree like a beacon of hope to tease me . The dead branches reached high into the sky and the sight burned into my brain forever because of the bright sun behind the tree . I can 't forget the intense hate interchanged with despair that I experienced as I felt forced to abandon the promised hope , that I believed , I would find on the other side of the towering fence . The planks banged shut . It was as if I had never been through them . I trudged home , pushing the stroller determined to be done with the tears before I got back to the house . I had decided to answer no questions about where I had been with my sister . I wouldn 't give them the satisfaction of laughing at the silly big sister . Block five , four , three and sister was asleep . Block two my stomach was in knots . Block one , and home . Well here we were . The dog made it home before us . He was sprawled out in the shade . He lifted his head and thumped his tail as I came closer . I didn 't respond - traitor . The tragic thing is no one noticed we had been gone . They had fought and yelled and screamed . Mom fell asleep on the couch and he was gone again . I unpacked . Put everything back where I had taken it from . Rolled my sleeping sister still in the stroller to the living room . Mom has been my role model . I have been my sisters . We follow each other through life . We copy each others patterns unconsciously and wonder why things don 't work out for any of us . It 's something I have shared with my sister , not strength to persevere but instead the crippling fear of failure . If only we could have broken the pattern right here , right now in this story . Then I wouldn 't have to continue sharing her journey with you . Maybe she would be telling her story instead . It 's all fun and games … Posted on January 26 , 2013 by mainbean It 's all fun and games untill someone get 's hurt . That is what I have always heard anyway . Looking at families that have had to go through an intervention I think it 's a true statement . An intervention doesn 't have to be just for alcohol or drug abuse . There are many things that we use that can become an abusive situation . Never meaning to go past using is usually the issue . The intention is never to hurt the ones that care about us and love us but in the end that is exactly what happens . Our pain and shame that we carry as the problems stack up keep us abusing whatever it may be - to get the kick or rush we need so we don 't think too much about the consequences of our actions . The lie is in thinking that we can out run the consequences whatever they may be . The positive side of things is what we learn in the process . That love is ever conquering and can save us from our past mistakes . With the learning of lessons and sharing them with others being our way of giving back . Treatment centers are working with the whole family not just the addicts because the problem is not only the addicts everyone is involved . Every family has friends outside of the family that is touched in one way or another by the processes these families endure . Al - anon is an amazing place for healing when we are ready to start taking our own responsibility for our lives . Our stories change and shape our environments and this eventually shapes the societies we live in . Today the world is full of pain . We struggle to handle our freedoms and understand our responsibilities as we understand that one individual affects us as a whole . The youth of today are showing us in their suicide numbers that even with the ever - growing freedoms we have that they don 't feel better they feel worse . We have access to more information than ever and yet we are not more informed . The world is more open than ever and yet we are more secluded and depressed than ever before ! The question is not what is the solution , maybe we should focus on where and what is the problem ? We have more people on antidepressant medicines and less counseling . Less contact and communication in our families . More free time and still we feel unsatisfied . Moms and Dadio are hittin ' the pipe Posted on January 15 , 2013 by mainbean You know it really bothers me that we haven 't had more press on the states that have decided to allow pot smoking to be legal . Sure it is new , but where are the discussions ? No elementary schools or middle schools in up roar ? And if they are mad and picketing why am I not hearing about it ? Touchy touchy I know I sound like a super moralizing republican voting fanatically religious way out there freak ! But alas no , just an adult that grew up with plenty of pot smoking adults around me including a parent by the way . So what ? I will tell you that having a parent that smokes or snorts , takes pills , drinks , parties or whatever we are doing now a days is not fun it 's scary . It 's scary to guess how they will be today , if they will make food or sleep all day . If they are going to be the adult or am I taking care of my brothers and sisters today ? And should I stay home from school to care for the little ones not in school yet ? Maybe I am not talking about the people that smoke every once in a while . ( what does that mean specifically ? ) Or maybe I am . I mean the ones that " don 't have a problem " . And did I bring up the secondary high yet ? No ? Well there it is . What about that ? And I hope that all this freedom means individuals take the consequences too . Why should my tax dollars pay for rehab for something that is legal ? How are insurance companies reacting to this anyway ? No problem as long as we choose the doctor that writes the prescriptions ? Does he test his product ? Which ailments is this good for ? Oh and since cocain is used for eye surgeries in some countries maybe we should legalize that too , in drop form so we can drop our coke where we want it ! I am not against legislation when we consider that individuals will do what they want anyway . But I am for us considering the fact that there are children involved in the smoke cloud - and they should be considered . Maybe . Just a little bit ? A minuet of your time ? A second ? Thank you . So what do you think ? We have death in many forms some assisted and som accidental and lets not forget intentional deaths . If one of my friends that committed suicide could come back and tell me that they didn 't regret it I would be willing to listen . If one of the aborted babies , or mothers that made that choice could tell me they didn 't regret it I would be willing to listen . If someone who has assisted a death or received assistance in ending life would tell me they didn 't regret it and would even recommend it I would listen . I am not saying I would change my mind but I would listen . I have a friend that has been asking for assistance for years . I have been listening , I can 't help him or I guess I just won 't help him . But I do try to listen . |
In the meantime , I 'm " borrowing " wi - fi from Burger King , Holiday Inn , Motel 6 . . . where ever I can find a hot spot . Can ya believe McDonalds CHARGES for wi - fi when you can go right across the street to Burger King and get it for FREE ? ! CRAZY ! Welcome back to the playhouse ! I have more Christmas goodies for you ! That is , more true stories of ghosts , hauntings , and other paranormal phenomena on or around the Christmas holiday ! Enjoy ! WHAT WOULD CHRISTMAS be without a few good ghost stories ? Next to Halloween , thanks to Charles Dickens ' " A Christmas Carol " , it might be the holiday most associated with ghosts and the paranormal . So it might be no surprise that every year , we can present stories from readers who have had ghostly encounters and other paranormal experiences on or around the holiday season . Consider these true tales of truly haunted Christmases . . . By Jim T . @ about . com " These events occurred in Toronto , Ontario in December , 2009 . I had just started seeing a new girl and she invited me over for dinner a few days before Christmas . It was my first time visiting her apartment , which she shared with a roommate who had already left to go home for the holidays . After dinner , we went out to her covered porch for a smoke . As soon as I went into the room , I was drawn to a curious , faded portrait hanging on the wall . The portrait showed a woman in her late 20s or early 30s , and she seemed have a strange sentience in her stare . I asked the girl about it , and she said it was a picture of her great - great - aunt , taken in 1907 . She took the picture off the wall and showed me the date scrawled on the back of the frame . Later , we were in her room watching television and I took a bathroom break . The bathroom was adjacent to her room , and it had old plumbing - her sink had dual faucets for hot and cold water . I washed my hands in cold water when I was finished . I am 100 percent certain of it , and I cannot explain what happened next . " No , I didn 't , " I told her . " I 'm sure I turned if off . " And I was . I washed my hands in cold water and I certainly wouldn 't leave someone 's bathroom without turning off the faucet . When I got up to check the bathroom , sure enough , the water was running . Thinking I somehow must have left the water running , I went to turn off the cold water tap on the dual faucets . . . but it was already locked in place ! It wasn 't turned on ! The hot water was running . I didn 't touch the hot water tap when I was in there not two minutes earlier . I am 100 percent certain of it . Suddenly , I felt an extremely cold chill . The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up , but it 's probably just because I got so suddenly spooked knowing some unseen force had turned the tap on . The girl and I talked about it afterward , and it all came back to the strange picture of her great - great - aunt hanging in the covered porch . She said she had the picture since she was very young , and it had always transfixed her . She said this wasn 't the first time strange things like that had happened - the lights turned themselves on and off , and the television did , too - and that it always seemed to be triggered by a male presence in the house . I asked why . She said she 'd see what she could find out about her great - great - aunt . " There 's a strange road I have to take to get back home . There are always weird shadows and other unexplained things that seem to enchant the roadway . One night , I believe whatever it is that haunts this stretch of pavement , may have followed me home . . . As I came to a bend in the road , it slowly began to climb and my headlights washed over a strange , shadowy creature crouched on the double - lines . It stared at me with orange - yellow eyes , and then it bolted to the right . Again , I slammed on my brakes and ignored the annoyed honk behind me as I watched the creature , which looked like an enormous black dog , continue to stare at me as it ran across the road and up and over a high fence ( that no normal dog could clear ) . Scared out of my mind , I hurried home . Sunday night : I was watching TV in my family room with my daughter , who was curled up asleep on the opposite couch . Out of the corner of my eye I saw waves of energy ( that 's the only way to describe it ) seem to generate over the floor . Just black waves . Clearly alarmed , she asked what was wrong and I said that it felt like someone punched me , but we were the only two home ! Ever since then , I 've been getting these horrible migraines and feel as if I 'm hallucinating . I 'd experimented with acid while in college and that 's exactly how these hallucinations seem . But I have no history of any kind of mental disease and I have never hallucinated in my life ! " We have always assumed our home was haunted and have gotten used to it over the years . It is a historic house on old Hwy 100 west of St . Louis , Missouri . Last year something happened , though , that has us wondering what exactly it is , that haunts our house . . . We were in the kitchen talking in the late afternoon after my husband came home from work . He was sitting so that he was looking into the living room and I was looking at him , as were my two children . Suddenly , the color just drained from his face and he started sputtering and jabbering . When he could finally talk , he clearly he asked , " What is approximately twelve to fourteen inches tall and human shaped , but extremely skinny with big knobby knees ? " The kids and I were making cookies and were standing at the kitchen counter . I dropped one to the floor but felt a slight swish by my pant leg as it fell . I went ahead and emptied the tray , then bent down to pick up the fallen cookie . No cookie anywhere . There was nowhere for it to go . I had the dog outside so she wouldn 't be in the way . I was upset and sure there had to be an explanation ! I made the kids get down on the floor with me and we crawled around . There were no gaps between the cabinets and floor - nothing ! I even checked my pants legs to see if it bounced up into them . My kids were wearing shorts and no shoes . Was that slight swish I felt that little guy having a Christmas cookie ? If it was , then he was way too fast for us to see him . But then why did my husband get to see him for just a second before he disappeared ? Am I glad that our house doesn 't have ghost . . . but possibly something else ? I don 't know . It 's all too crazy to wrap one 's mind around . But I do swear that this is absolutely true . " Some argue that Dickens ' Christmas ghost story single - handedly saved the winter holiday from dying out during the Industrial Revolution . At a time when England was no longer celebrating Christmas , Dickens reintroduced many centuries - old traditions with his instant holiday classic . Marley 's Ghost confronts Scrooge in 1938 's version of " A Christmas Carol . " It has become so much a part of Christmas in its various film adaptations and theatrical versions that people don 't even wonder why Dickens chose , of all things , four spectral visitors to bring about Ebenezer Scrooge 's transformation from miserly curmudgeon to selfless philanthropist . Have you had a haunted Christmas when you have had an experience with ghosts or poltergeists ? Or have you had a genuine sighting of what you believe to be the real Santa Claus ? Below are some reader - submitted stories from people who have ! Christmas Eve Phone Call " In June of 2002 my brother died . We were extremely close . He lived in the Midwest . . . I live on the West Coast . Every Christmas eve . . after his family opened gifts they would call to wish me a Merry Christmas . Christmas Eve of 2002 , I returned home from shopping and noticed that there was a message on the answering machine . When I listened , there was much static . Within the static however , you could hear my brother 's voice saying " Merry Christmas " and then inserted my nickname that no one else knew . Without saying a word , I had the rest of the family listen to the message . Every one of them said " It sounds like Uncle Pat wishing you Merry Christmas ! " There is no doubt in my mind that it was him . . . . however that could have happened ? ! I haven 't heard anything since , but it was THE BEST GIFT EVER ! " It was 1961 on Christmas Eve . We were living in Boardman , Ohio . My bedroom was at the end of the house . I went to sleep on Christmas Eve . I don 't know what time it was , but I know it was very late when I suddenly woke up . I was staring at my bedroom door , which was catty - corner from my bed . The door slowly opened , and I squinted my eyes shut just a bit because I didn 't want my mother or father to catch me up in the middle of the night . There was a nightlight in the hallway and one behind the dresser in my room , so there was some light . I was so astonished , however , at who opened the bedroom door . I found myself looking at a man dressed in a red suit . He had white trim around his waist , like fur , a long white beard , and was wearing a Santa hat . He had red pants and black boots . If I close my eyes , I can still see Santa standing in my door , it made such an impression on me . He stood there and looked at me for a few seconds , then closed the door . I pulled the blankets over my head for a while - I was so scared ! Finally , I looked out , but no one was there . So I don 't know who or what looked in my bedroom that night . I told my mother I saw Santa , and she got really mad at me and told me that I did not . But I know what I saw . . . it was Santa Claus . And I swear this story did happen ! I know I wasn 't dreaming ! " Air Traffic Santa " I grew up in a suburb of Memphis , TN . In the 80s , I was 8 or 9 years old . My parents and I were coming home from a Christmas party on Christmas Eve . When we pulled up in the driveway we saw Santa Claus in a sleigh hovering above our house . All you could hear were sleigh bells . The sleigh was illuminated so that we could see Santa ( in full outfit ) in the sleigh ! I remember seeing reindeer but I don 't know how many there were . Santa waved at us and flew off in the sleigh . I 'll never forget it and I 'll never forget my Dad 's face of total shock . He was a air traffic controller and when he went back to work after the holidays he asked about it and nothing came up . Another bizarre twist , last year ( 2009 ) on Black Friday , I was waiting in line at a local Target store and broke out into conversation with another lady in line . We were talking about Christmas shopping and all of a sudden out of nowhere , she mentioned that her brother had seen Santa Claus in his sleigh 2 years before . I stood with my mouth wide open because I couldn 't believe it . " I 'm 34 now , but I still remember this vividly , like it happened just then . I was 10 years old , and it was a stormy night on Christmas Eve . I was lying in bed , unafraid of the storm raging outside because I 'd never really been subjected to any horrifying material at that young age . But suddenly , as lighting flashed , a dark figure was lit up in the sky , and it looked a lot like a chariot driven by many horned horses . This stirred up my old belief in Santa Claus , but naturally I dismissed it because I 'd found my parents writing on the presents from " Santa " two years earlier . Suddenly , another bolt of lighting ripped across the sky and the figure was gone . I relaxed and was about to close my eyes when suddenly another bolt of lighting flashed accompanied by booming thunder . I sat upright , and looked around the room . There , in the corner on my chair , was a fat figure . He looked up with bloodshot eyes and growled , " Hello , sonny . You 've been a NAUGHTY boy . " I remember he said the word " naughty " in a ferocious tone , and it scared the hell out of me . He stood up and he was suddenly illuminated by my desk light . He was fat , with a bushy white beard and red rosy cheeks and a red nose plus the jolly red suit , but his eyes were bloodshot and he had CLAWED hands and CLAWED feet sticking out of torn boots . I was about to scream , but he jumped on me and pushed me against the wall . He was too strong , and I couldn 't struggle free , but somehow , I managed to pry my face from his gruesome hands , and I managed a loud scream for a couple of seconds . The " Santa " grabbed my throat and squeezed , and just as I was blacking out , my parents came running in . I just saw them burst through the door as I went out cold . The next morning , my parents told me I had been screaming and I was pressed against the wall for absolutely no reason , but my neck was bruised and I had scratch marks on my chest . " I heard this story from my husband years ago . He was small , probably around six . His family was spending Xmas at the old family homestead . He was in bed when he heard a noise outside and ran to the window to see what it was ; what should he see , but a fat , white bearded man walking through the swirling snow towards the house . He crept downstairs to get a good look at Santa . How disappointed he was when he discovered it was only his grandfather in his red " union suit " on his way back from the outhouse ! " ; ) Ok kids . . . that 's it for now , but thanks so much for visiting my blog today ! I know it 's after Christmas , but it was always a tradition before my mother passed away , to celebrate Christmas right up til the first of the year , and now I 'm keeping that tradition going myself . Thanks for joining me ! : ) I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas ! And to keep " in the spirit " of things , I 've posted a few stories that I thought appropriate for the occasion . . . Some are still scary , but with a holiday theme . I hope you enjoy them ! : ) Ever since Charles Dickens published A Christmas Carol in 1843 , ghosts have been part of the Christmas tradition - a different kind of Christmas spirit , so to speak . Many people , besides Ebenezer Scrooge , have encountered ghosts at the Christmas season . Some of those spirits , like the eerie Ghost of Christmas Future , are dark and foreboding , while others , like angels , seem to embody the joy and hopefulness of the holiday . Light a yuletide candle and consider these true stories . . . Mother 's Christmas Present " My mother , to whom I was very close , passed away in 1964 when I was 17 years old . I left home that year and moved to Ontario from Nova Scotia . In 1969 , I met a girl whom I will call Karen and we got married in March of 1970 . In December of 1971 we were expecting our first child . We were living in a small 1 - 1 / 2 bedroom bungalow . There was a fireplace in the living room . My wife and I loved the fireplace and we had it lit every night . It was Christmas Eve , 1971 , and we had just finished putting the gifts under the tree and a nice fire gave off a beautiful glow . On the tree , one string of lights , which was supposed to flash , had stopped several days before . It was five minutes to midnight when the fireplace suddenly just about went out , and the string of lights started to flash - and the other lights stopped flashing ! My wife and I were sitting on the floor and it had become very chilly in the room . I looked over to my Lazyboy chair . . . and a figure was sitting there - my mother with a big beautiful smile on her face ! My wife , who had never met my mother , said she could see the same thing . This " ghost " never spoke , but just kept looking at me and my wife and smiling . At 12 midnight , the fire in the fireplace started up again and the lights on the tree stopped flashing and the others started flashing again . I looked over in the chair and the ghost was gone . No matter what I did to those Christmas lights , they never flashed again . " " I am Magda and now I am 14 years old . When I was seven , I was in Poland with my family ( that being where I come from ! ) I couldn 't sleep that night because it was Christmas Eve and like many other children , I was too excited to fall asleep . My mind was going crazy ! But after midnight passing by , I decided to get into bed and close my eyes . I tried sleeping , which would not work . So , I just ended up tossing and turning to find a comfortable position . In my bedroom , there was a large wardrobe ( which belonged to my cousins . We were staying at theirs ! ) I happened to look at it and found myself staring at it for a couple of seconds . . . At that time , my dad came into my room to say good night to me , and he could see my scared face . I pointed up to the wardrobe ( I could still see Father Christmas ) but my dad just looked at me as if I had gone mad . In the end , I burst into tears and ran out of the room into the kitchen . My family heard me and came running after me . I explained what had happened and they told me that I just got a little too excited about Christmas . I know that 's not true and that I really did see him . What I can 't figure out , is why ? ! Was it really Father Christmas or was it an evil spirit trying to get through to me by pretending to be him ? " I was " bigger than a house " pregnant and was munching on some left over Christmas dinner . We all were sitting in the dark while watching a movie . I was feeling fine and my baby was kicking about . I moved closer to my MawMaw so she could feel the baby move . I sat beside her for the remainder of that movie . She had a Christmas tree sitting in front of the window that was decorated with ornaments that she had whenever my mom , aunt and uncles were babies and some ornaments that my PawPaw liked a lot . They were looking their age , but still gave a nice shimmer when the Christmas lights would blink near them . I felt a little funny . I thought it was a pregnancy thing . I saw something out of the corner of my eye and turned my head to see what it was . On the tree , there was this large , gold ornament , which belonged to my PawPaw . It was spinning very fast around and around as if someone had wound it up and let it go . I found this utterly fascinating because the rest of the ornaments sat still . The tree did not move and nothing was disturbed . I tapped my MawMaw on the shoulder and pointed to the tree . She looked surprised for a moment and a great peace washed over her . She said aloud , " Alvin ( that was my PawPaw 's name ) , I love you too . And Merry Christmas . " Then her touch lamp came on , blinked twice and went off again . Two months later , she passed away . For the rest of my life , I will always think that he was there letting her know he was waiting on her to go with her to Heaven . I never felt like he moved into the light until she joined him . " Last Christmas evening , I went to bed and woke up to the phone ringing . I answered it and a voice that was very familiar to me said , " Hello there . " It was my mother 's voice ! The line had a static noise and it started to cut in and out . I said , " This can 't be you , mom . You 're dead ! " She said , " Oh , come on now ! " She sounded a bit agitated , and then we were cut off . My 16 - year - old daughter was sleeping in the next room and also heard the phone ring that night . I know it was my mother 's voice : she has a Norwegian accent and it was her ! " Over the years , many children and adults have reported sightings of the real Santa Claus - not department store Santas or bell - ringing Salvation Army charity collectors , but the real thi g ! They even claim seeing the sleigh and reindeer in some cas s . Are these illusions seen through the eyes of Christmas excitement and expectati n ? Or are these cases of genuine Christmas mag After that , I decided to go to my room to watch some television , but there was nothing good to watch . I then found myself pacing back and forth in the hallway . My house is big , so there was no one with me . Everyone was in the living room watching a movie I wasn 't interested in . About seven minutes into my pacing , I saw a tall , fat figure scurry away about 20 feet away from me . It was crouched down , too . It was even wearing some sort of Santa Claus suit . I didn 't believe in Santa , but this just freaked me out . There was a strange man in my house ! I quickly ran to where my parents were and told them all about it . They grinned at me and said jokingly , " Maybe it was Santa Claus . " I didn 't believe that , so I just sat down in the living room with my family and everybody else . Then it occurred again on Christmas Eve , 2004 . I remember it more vividly than the last one . I was lying on the couch in the living room . My parents were in the kitchen having a conversation about a business blog or something . Suddenly , I saw a huge man , about seven or eight feet tall , crawl underneath the tree and just vanish . Before it disappeared , it looked at me and said , " Shh . " Very strange , so I went into the kitchen and sat with my parents . Smaller happenings occurred the following Christmases . I recall one in 2007 , it was daylight this time and I just happened to see another tall figure with a Santa hat trudge by me for two seconds , then it was gone . This really happened ! " WHITE SANTA - 1969 " I had an experience when I was three years old and still young enough to wear footed pajamas . The year was maybe 1969 , Christmas Eve . . . I wanted to see what Santa had brought me , so I quietly walked down the hallway and looked around the corner to our living room . I saw my parents and someone I didn 't know around our Christmas tree . The stranger was an old guy with a white beard and hair with a red suit . I quickly went back to my room as fast as I could with footed pajamas and slid into bed . I told my family , but I knew they really didn 't believe me . I swear on my life to this day that I saw something . I don 't know if it was really Santa Claus , but I did see what I described ! " He must have felt my presence because he turned around and looked at me . He didn 't look jolly or kind and happy like you would expect Santa Claus to look . He looked kind of eerie , like he was staring into my soul . Years later , I remembered it . I thought it could have been a burglar , but when I asked my parents , nothing was ever missing from that apartment . The only time we were ever robbed was when we moved later on . The only explanation I have now , is that it was some kind of creepy apparition . " The bus ride was uneventful until we came close to my parents ' home town . . . I was looking out the window and looked at the Michelin tire factory as we went by it , going uphill . When the bus reached the top of the hill , I got a strange feeling , and for some unknown reason , I started to imagine many people on the bus laughing at me ! " Right then , there was a blip in reality and the bus was suddenly about a mile back on the highway ! I then had the experience of watching the bus drive by the tire factory again ! This kind of scared me , and I noticed that the family sitting in the front , who were talking loudly before , were now dead quiet . " I approached the bus driver when we stopped and told him what I thought happened . He looked really nervous and he said something like , ' Things like that happen . " Putre , Chile , 1977 - At 3 : 50 a . m . on April 24 , during army training exercises , a guard saw two fuzzy violet lights descending from the mountain and heading their way . At 4 : 15 a . m . , Corporal Armando Valdez set out into the dark to investigate them . He returned 15 minutes later , but from the opposite direction in which he set out . He seemed to be in a kind of trance , muttering , " You do not know who we are or where we come from . " Inexplicably , the corporal had several days growth of beard , and his watch had stopped at 4 : 15 - but showed a date of April 30 ! Or how about this one , in Maine : Oxford , Maine , 1975 - At 3 a . m . on October 27 , David Stephens , 21 , and an 18 - year - old friend were in a wooded area when they heard a strange sound . They got in their car to go investigate , and the vehicle was soon enveloped in a colored glow . There was a blink in reality and the two instantly found themselves about a mile away with the car pointing in the opposite direction . They subsequently suffered various physical abnormalities , including severe disorientation . Somerset , England , 1974 - On July 28 , Peter Williamson was having a barbecue in his backyard garden , which was interrupted by a heavy electrical storm . His dog , spooked by the threatening atmosphere , cowered under a tree . Peter went to rescue the animal . There was a bright flash - and Peter vanished into thin air ! ? ! Police were called and a thorough investigation and search were conducted , without success . Linhares , Brazil , 1981 - On April 20 , Jorge Ramos , who was a representative for a chemical company , left his home at 6 p . m . to travel a few miles to a meeting . He never arrived . His Volkswagon was found on a side road a few miles from his home ; the key was still in the ignition and all his business and personal effects were in the car . Police investigations could not account for what happened to Jorge or where he was . Five days later , his wife received a frantic call from Jorge . He said that while driving his car he was covered in a strange white glow after which he found himself in a dreamy , floating state . He came to standing by an unfamiliar road and sought help . To his shock , he discovered that the date was now April 25 - and he was 600 miles from home ! The videotape reveals what happened : As a worker approached one of the gates , a fuzzy white glow appeared and covered the area where the man was standing . There was brief electrical interference to the cameras , but when they cleared , the man had disappeared . One hour and 50 minutes later , the cameras recorded his sudden reappearance . He was on all fours , violently ill and suffered a two - hour gap in his memory . In October of that year , L . C . and an associate were driving along Highway 167 when they passed what would be considered to be an antique car in mint condition . Oddly , however , the car 's license plate was dated 1940 . And that was just the beginning . . . As they passed the car slowly to its left , L . C . noticed the driver of the car was a young woman dressed in what appeared to be 1940 vintage clothing . The windows of her car were rolled up , a fact which puzzled L . C . because , though the temperature was nippy , it was quite pleasant and a light sweater was sufficient to keep you comfortable . As they pulled up next to the car , their study turned to alarm as their attention was riveted to the animated expressions of fear and panic on the woman 's face . Driving alongside of her at a near crawl , they could see her frantically looking back and forth as if lost or in need of help . She appeared on the verge of tears . L . C . called out to her and asked if she needed help . To this she nodded ' yes , ' all the while with a very puzzled look at their vehicle . What can be concluded then from these anecdotal tales ? Did these people actually travel , albeit briefly , into the past to glimpse scenes that once were ? Or were they caught up in a form of haunting where , like an old movie , they saw a scene that had somehow been implanted in a location and allowed to " play back " again for those sensitive enough to pick up the lingering impressions ? Perhaps there is a natural phenomenon that under the right conditions and location can produce briefly a doorway to another time and place . Even though this may sound outrageous , this natural " time machine " could show that modern concepts and perceptions of time need to be seriously reconsidered . It may be that the past and even the future might be closer then thought with current scientific theories . With the right frame of mind and the right natural conditions , the barriers of time and space that have traditionally kept mankind locked into place may finally be broken , allowing the mysteries of the world and the universe to be finally revealed . We are used to time progressing in a linear fashion , one event leading to another . Strangely , it doesn 't always work like that . Consider the experience of Eula White in rural Alabama when she was a young girl in the 1920s . . . " In those days , " Eula says , " rural Alabama was still kind of backward . Little electricity , and horses and wagons the only transportation for many farm folk . I remember it was a bright summer day . . . Early that morning , the other women and I had gathered on the front porch of the Hawkins ' farmhouse to shell quite a few bushels of peas and beans . " About mid - afternoon we were still on the porch shelling peas . We looked up and saw Mr . Hawkins approaching the house . Thrown across the saddle in front of him , was a large white , cloth sack of flour , and cradled in his left arm was a brown bag of other groceries . We watched as he rode up to the gate , and he stopped there , waiting for someone to open it . One of the boys ran to the gate and opened it . Then , in full view of all of us women and children , Mr . Hawkins vanished ! He just disappeared , instantly ! " We sat there for a second or so , just astonished . Then , terrified , we began screaming ! After a few minutes , we calmed down , but were still shaking and confused . We just didn 't know what to do ! ? ! ? ! So after a while , we went back to shelling peas . Mrs . Hawkins made one the boys close the gate . " About a half hour later , we looked up and again , saw Mr . Hawkins riding toward the house with that same white sack of flour across the saddle in front of him , and that same brown bag of groceries in his left hand . Again , he rode up to the gate without a sound and stopped . " Well , is someone going to open the gate for me ? " You see . . . Mr . Hawkins got there before he arrived ! " A similar replay of time happened to Ryan Bratton at the age of eight . . . It was an otherwise ordinary day for him and his friend as they were sitting in his yard while other kids rode their bikes up and down a driveway . " A car came down the road and stopped at a house , " Ryan remembers . " A kid got out and ran inside making noises that kids around his age make . Then a girl rode her bike down the driveway . " A couple of minutes after this happened , the SAME car went down the road , stopped at the house , and the SAME kid got out of the car and ran inside screaming the EXACT things he had been saying . Then the girl went down the hill on her bike AGAIN . I looked over to my friend and he said he had no idea what had just happened . " In 1997 , Lyn lived in a small outback town that was built in 1947 and had changed little since that time . " I was driving toward the main intersection of the town , when suddenly I felt a change in the air . It wasn 't the classic colder feeling , but a change , like a shift in atmosphere . The air felt denser somehow . " One afternoon , I was coming home from work . As I was coming over a hill , I noticed several men in a field on the left . They were sitting around eating watermelons out of the field . About 20 or so melons were busted up and scattered over the ground . As I approached them , the men all looked toward my car . One man looked me right in the eye and started running right in my path . I was going pretty fast and when I noticed that this man was going to run right in front of me , I slammed on brakes as hard as I could . The man kept going and I missed hitting him by less than a foot ! I was so angry that the man would pull a stunt like this , I turned and looked at him . He was on my passenger side just at the rear of my car at this time . I flipped him off while expressing my anger pretty loud . My windows were down and I could hear all of his friends laughing at me . Then I noticed that they were all dressed funny - like clothing from the 1920s with hats on and some had scarves tied around their necks . I drove on home , ( which took about two minutes ) and went in and told my dad what happened . He said he would go down there and say something to them . He was pretty angry , too . My dad was gone about five or six minutes , and when he came back , he told me that I had better quit making stuff up , and to be more careful driving . ? ! ? ! ? ! I told him he must have looked at the wrong place and that I would go back with him and show him . This was less that 15 minutes after I had first went by . When we got there , the men were gone and all of the watermelons were intact . We got out and looked . There were no footprints in the field at all and there should have been , because the ground was all muddy ! The most amazing experiences of slips in time , perhaps , are those in which people actually see , hear and even interact with other people and things that seem to have been in another space and time . . . John was a six - year - old in Stoke - on - Trent , England when his brush with the past occurred . He was on his way to school with his friend when they stopped to watch some builders working on some new houses . As they approached the site , they noticed an old cottage nearby . An old lady came out and offered John and his friend some lemonade , and they went into her house . After leaving the cottage , they continued on to school , only to discover that it was almost 4 o ' clock and school was just closing ! They had left home at 1 : 30 p . m . on a journey that should have taken about 20 minutes ! The next day , John and his friend took the same route to school , but to their amazement there was no sign of any cottage or the old lady they had seen the previous day ! The only explanation seems to be that John and his friend experienced some sort of time slip in which for a few hours , they were transported back to an earlier time when indeed a cottage - and its occupant - did exist on that land . Many cultures from around the world have always claimed to having seen shadowy beings lurking around . One variation of this type of entity is " The Hat Man . " This type of entity is mostly featureless , although they / he / it clearly have masculine forms and wear old fashioned hats . It 's also been suggested that this strange entity is somewhat of an inspiration for Freddy Krueger ! Wes Craven has talked about an experience he once had when he was a young boy , in which he saw a scary looking man walking down the street wearing a bowler hat . . . The man had scars all over his face and looked up at Craven through the window and gave off a sense of foreboding . While this could have just been an ordinary guy and not a shadowy person or demon , it was still a creepy experience . People who reportedly come across a hat man usually claim to feel a frightening feeling , as if they are being threatened . While some ghosts don 't seem aware of the presence of the living , it seems that shadow people do . Witnesses claim that , despite not seeing his face , they have a sense that the hat man is staring right at them . Furthermore , it would seem that this entity 's sole purpose in visiting people is to make them as uncomfortable and frightened as possible . They normally don 't try to communicate , except for the fact they are emitting bad vibes . Their mere presence alone is enough to make someone feel extremely uncomfortable and even threatened . Still , there 's no evidence to suggest that something very bad happens after someone sees the hat man . The " ghost " or " demon " , whatever it may be , usually goes away after a few moments and nothing bad ever seems to happen afterwards . So , are shadow people really malevolent ? Is the hat man really a threat to anyone ? It seems that this phenomenon provides more questions than answers . Most people who witness hat men claim that they 're solid and definitely an outline of a male body . The outline of the hat is also distinct and solid . It 's only natural to assume that they 're real enough to be moreHe definitely gives off negative vibes and a sense of foreboding to anyone around ! " What is the Hat Man ? This has been a question that I have asked myself for the last nearly two decades . Ever since the time I saw the dark shadow man with a long cape and a wide brimmed hat standing in the dark doorway of my great - grandmother 's hallway . . . This was what I believed , and this is what I told others . . . until the day I learned that my story was not the only one out there . . . In 2007 , I was listening one evening to a radio program and on the show there was someone talking about a phenomenon known as the " shadow people " . They described these shadow beings as being like shadows , only darker . They stated that they would often appear in people 's rooms at night and just stand there - staring at them while the person being stared at would feel a sense of fear and dread . They noted how the shadow beings were all similar in appearance - some would be large and some would be small , some had what appeared to be reddish eyes and some were just faceless . They even mentioned that some shadow beings appeared in other forms , like cats and spiders and indiscriminate , shapeless dark blobs on the ceiling , etc . None of these descriptions really struck a nerve with me or even reminded me about my own experience , until the person mentioned a phenomenon that she said was very strange . . . A particular shadow being that seemed to show up all over the world . As she went on to describe this being , I felt chills go down my spine as the hair on my arms stood straight up . I immediately remembered my experience and worse yet - relived the sense of dread and fear . She mentioned that the being that shows up most often , is that of a dark shadowy figure of a man with what looks like a long cape and large wide brimmed hat . She descriptively called the being : " The Hat Man " . The first thing I did in my research , was scour the internet for as much information as I could find on this " Hat Man . " I was shocked by at least a couple of things : One being , the fact that there was not that much out there about the Hat Man - meaning nobody knew what he ( or it ) was . And two , the sheer number of people who have had this exact same experience ( there are literally thousands ! ) Since there was nothing out there that adequately addressed the issue at hand , I decided to take it upon myself to begin a research project on this phenomenon . My research into Shadow People and the Hat Man in general , began in late 2007 . Immediately as I began my research , I knew that there needed to be a place for people to share their stories . So in early 2008 , I launched The Hat Man Project , an online medium through which people could connect and share their stories of the Hat Man experience . After reading over hundreds of stories and speaking with numerous individuals about the Hat Man , I have begun to draw some preliminary conclusions as to what The Hat Man is , and what his purpose is in observing those he appears to . To read more , click the link below : |
In the meantime , I 'm " borrowing " wi - fi from Burger King , Holiday Inn , Motel 6 . . . where ever I can find a hot spot . Can ya believe McDonalds CHARGES for wi - fi when you can go right across the street to Burger King and get it for FREE ? ! CRAZY ! Welcome back to the playhouse ! I have more Christmas goodies for you ! That is , more true stories of ghosts , hauntings , and other paranormal phenomena on or around the Christmas holiday ! Enjoy ! WHAT WOULD CHRISTMAS be without a few good ghost stories ? Next to Halloween , thanks to Charles Dickens ' " A Christmas Carol " , it might be the holiday most associated with ghosts and the paranormal . So it might be no surprise that every year , we can present stories from readers who have had ghostly encounters and other paranormal experiences on or around the holiday season . Consider these true tales of truly haunted Christmases . . . By Jim T . @ about . com " These events occurred in Toronto , Ontario in December , 2009 . I had just started seeing a new girl and she invited me over for dinner a few days before Christmas . It was my first time visiting her apartment , which she shared with a roommate who had already left to go home for the holidays . After dinner , we went out to her covered porch for a smoke . As soon as I went into the room , I was drawn to a curious , faded portrait hanging on the wall . The portrait showed a woman in her late 20s or early 30s , and she seemed have a strange sentience in her stare . I asked the girl about it , and she said it was a picture of her great - great - aunt , taken in 1907 . She took the picture off the wall and showed me the date scrawled on the back of the frame . Later , we were in her room watching television and I took a bathroom break . The bathroom was adjacent to her room , and it had old plumbing - her sink had dual faucets for hot and cold water . I washed my hands in cold water when I was finished . I am 100 percent certain of it , and I cannot explain what happened next . " No , I didn 't , " I told her . " I 'm sure I turned if off . " And I was . I washed my hands in cold water and I certainly wouldn 't leave someone 's bathroom without turning off the faucet . When I got up to check the bathroom , sure enough , the water was running . Thinking I somehow must have left the water running , I went to turn off the cold water tap on the dual faucets . . . but it was already locked in place ! It wasn 't turned on ! The hot water was running . I didn 't touch the hot water tap when I was in there not two minutes earlier . I am 100 percent certain of it . Suddenly , I felt an extremely cold chill . The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up , but it 's probably just because I got so suddenly spooked knowing some unseen force had turned the tap on . The girl and I talked about it afterward , and it all came back to the strange picture of her great - great - aunt hanging in the covered porch . She said she had the picture since she was very young , and it had always transfixed her . She said this wasn 't the first time strange things like that had happened - the lights turned themselves on and off , and the television did , too - and that it always seemed to be triggered by a male presence in the house . I asked why . She said she 'd see what she could find out about her great - great - aunt . " There 's a strange road I have to take to get back home . There are always weird shadows and other unexplained things that seem to enchant the roadway . One night , I believe whatever it is that haunts this stretch of pavement , may have followed me home . . . As I came to a bend in the road , it slowly began to climb and my headlights washed over a strange , shadowy creature crouched on the double - lines . It stared at me with orange - yellow eyes , and then it bolted to the right . Again , I slammed on my brakes and ignored the annoyed honk behind me as I watched the creature , which looked like an enormous black dog , continue to stare at me as it ran across the road and up and over a high fence ( that no normal dog could clear ) . Scared out of my mind , I hurried home . Sunday night : I was watching TV in my family room with my daughter , who was curled up asleep on the opposite couch . Out of the corner of my eye I saw waves of energy ( that 's the only way to describe it ) seem to generate over the floor . Just black waves . Clearly alarmed , she asked what was wrong and I said that it felt like someone punched me , but we were the only two home ! Ever since then , I 've been getting these horrible migraines and feel as if I 'm hallucinating . I 'd experimented with acid while in college and that 's exactly how these hallucinations seem . But I have no history of any kind of mental disease and I have never hallucinated in my life ! " We have always assumed our home was haunted and have gotten used to it over the years . It is a historic house on old Hwy 100 west of St . Louis , Missouri . Last year something happened , though , that has us wondering what exactly it is , that haunts our house . . . We were in the kitchen talking in the late afternoon after my husband came home from work . He was sitting so that he was looking into the living room and I was looking at him , as were my two children . Suddenly , the color just drained from his face and he started sputtering and jabbering . When he could finally talk , he clearly he asked , " What is approximately twelve to fourteen inches tall and human shaped , but extremely skinny with big knobby knees ? " The kids and I were making cookies and were standing at the kitchen counter . I dropped one to the floor but felt a slight swish by my pant leg as it fell . I went ahead and emptied the tray , then bent down to pick up the fallen cookie . No cookie anywhere . There was nowhere for it to go . I had the dog outside so she wouldn 't be in the way . I was upset and sure there had to be an explanation ! I made the kids get down on the floor with me and we crawled around . There were no gaps between the cabinets and floor - nothing ! I even checked my pants legs to see if it bounced up into them . My kids were wearing shorts and no shoes . Was that slight swish I felt that little guy having a Christmas cookie ? If it was , then he was way too fast for us to see him . But then why did my husband get to see him for just a second before he disappeared ? Am I glad that our house doesn 't have ghost . . . but possibly something else ? I don 't know . It 's all too crazy to wrap one 's mind around . But I do swear that this is absolutely true . " Some argue that Dickens ' Christmas ghost story single - handedly saved the winter holiday from dying out during the Industrial Revolution . At a time when England was no longer celebrating Christmas , Dickens reintroduced many centuries - old traditions with his instant holiday classic . Marley 's Ghost confronts Scrooge in 1938 's version of " A Christmas Carol . " It has become so much a part of Christmas in its various film adaptations and theatrical versions that people don 't even wonder why Dickens chose , of all things , four spectral visitors to bring about Ebenezer Scrooge 's transformation from miserly curmudgeon to selfless philanthropist . Have you had a haunted Christmas when you have had an experience with ghosts or poltergeists ? Or have you had a genuine sighting of what you believe to be the real Santa Claus ? Below are some reader - submitted stories from people who have ! Christmas Eve Phone Call " In June of 2002 my brother died . We were extremely close . He lived in the Midwest . . . I live on the West Coast . Every Christmas eve . . after his family opened gifts they would call to wish me a Merry Christmas . Christmas Eve of 2002 , I returned home from shopping and noticed that there was a message on the answering machine . When I listened , there was much static . Within the static however , you could hear my brother 's voice saying " Merry Christmas " and then inserted my nickname that no one else knew . Without saying a word , I had the rest of the family listen to the message . Every one of them said " It sounds like Uncle Pat wishing you Merry Christmas ! " There is no doubt in my mind that it was him . . . . however that could have happened ? ! I haven 't heard anything since , but it was THE BEST GIFT EVER ! " It was 1961 on Christmas Eve . We were living in Boardman , Ohio . My bedroom was at the end of the house . I went to sleep on Christmas Eve . I don 't know what time it was , but I know it was very late when I suddenly woke up . I was staring at my bedroom door , which was catty - corner from my bed . The door slowly opened , and I squinted my eyes shut just a bit because I didn 't want my mother or father to catch me up in the middle of the night . There was a nightlight in the hallway and one behind the dresser in my room , so there was some light . I was so astonished , however , at who opened the bedroom door . I found myself looking at a man dressed in a red suit . He had white trim around his waist , like fur , a long white beard , and was wearing a Santa hat . He had red pants and black boots . If I close my eyes , I can still see Santa standing in my door , it made such an impression on me . He stood there and looked at me for a few seconds , then closed the door . I pulled the blankets over my head for a while - I was so scared ! Finally , I looked out , but no one was there . So I don 't know who or what looked in my bedroom that night . I told my mother I saw Santa , and she got really mad at me and told me that I did not . But I know what I saw . . . it was Santa Claus . And I swear this story did happen ! I know I wasn 't dreaming ! " Air Traffic Santa " I grew up in a suburb of Memphis , TN . In the 80s , I was 8 or 9 years old . My parents and I were coming home from a Christmas party on Christmas Eve . When we pulled up in the driveway we saw Santa Claus in a sleigh hovering above our house . All you could hear were sleigh bells . The sleigh was illuminated so that we could see Santa ( in full outfit ) in the sleigh ! I remember seeing reindeer but I don 't know how many there were . Santa waved at us and flew off in the sleigh . I 'll never forget it and I 'll never forget my Dad 's face of total shock . He was a air traffic controller and when he went back to work after the holidays he asked about it and nothing came up . Another bizarre twist , last year ( 2009 ) on Black Friday , I was waiting in line at a local Target store and broke out into conversation with another lady in line . We were talking about Christmas shopping and all of a sudden out of nowhere , she mentioned that her brother had seen Santa Claus in his sleigh 2 years before . I stood with my mouth wide open because I couldn 't believe it . " I 'm 34 now , but I still remember this vividly , like it happened just then . I was 10 years old , and it was a stormy night on Christmas Eve . I was lying in bed , unafraid of the storm raging outside because I 'd never really been subjected to any horrifying material at that young age . But suddenly , as lighting flashed , a dark figure was lit up in the sky , and it looked a lot like a chariot driven by many horned horses . This stirred up my old belief in Santa Claus , but naturally I dismissed it because I 'd found my parents writing on the presents from " Santa " two years earlier . Suddenly , another bolt of lighting ripped across the sky and the figure was gone . I relaxed and was about to close my eyes when suddenly another bolt of lighting flashed accompanied by booming thunder . I sat upright , and looked around the room . There , in the corner on my chair , was a fat figure . He looked up with bloodshot eyes and growled , " Hello , sonny . You 've been a NAUGHTY boy . " I remember he said the word " naughty " in a ferocious tone , and it scared the hell out of me . He stood up and he was suddenly illuminated by my desk light . He was fat , with a bushy white beard and red rosy cheeks and a red nose plus the jolly red suit , but his eyes were bloodshot and he had CLAWED hands and CLAWED feet sticking out of torn boots . I was about to scream , but he jumped on me and pushed me against the wall . He was too strong , and I couldn 't struggle free , but somehow , I managed to pry my face from his gruesome hands , and I managed a loud scream for a couple of seconds . The " Santa " grabbed my throat and squeezed , and just as I was blacking out , my parents came running in . I just saw them burst through the door as I went out cold . The next morning , my parents told me I had been screaming and I was pressed against the wall for absolutely no reason , but my neck was bruised and I had scratch marks on my chest . " I heard this story from my husband years ago . He was small , probably around six . His family was spending Xmas at the old family homestead . He was in bed when he heard a noise outside and ran to the window to see what it was ; what should he see , but a fat , white bearded man walking through the swirling snow towards the house . He crept downstairs to get a good look at Santa . How disappointed he was when he discovered it was only his grandfather in his red " union suit " on his way back from the outhouse ! " ; ) Ok kids . . . that 's it for now , but thanks so much for visiting my blog today ! I know it 's after Christmas , but it was always a tradition before my mother passed away , to celebrate Christmas right up til the first of the year , and now I 'm keeping that tradition going myself . Thanks for joining me ! : ) I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas ! And to keep " in the spirit " of things , I 've posted a few stories that I thought appropriate for the occasion . . . Some are still scary , but with a holiday theme . I hope you enjoy them ! : ) Ever since Charles Dickens published A Christmas Carol in 1843 , ghosts have been part of the Christmas tradition - a different kind of Christmas spirit , so to speak . Many people , besides Ebenezer Scrooge , have encountered ghosts at the Christmas season . Some of those spirits , like the eerie Ghost of Christmas Future , are dark and foreboding , while others , like angels , seem to embody the joy and hopefulness of the holiday . Light a yuletide candle and consider these true stories . . . Mother 's Christmas Present " My mother , to whom I was very close , passed away in 1964 when I was 17 years old . I left home that year and moved to Ontario from Nova Scotia . In 1969 , I met a girl whom I will call Karen and we got married in March of 1970 . In December of 1971 we were expecting our first child . We were living in a small 1 - 1 / 2 bedroom bungalow . There was a fireplace in the living room . My wife and I loved the fireplace and we had it lit every night . It was Christmas Eve , 1971 , and we had just finished putting the gifts under the tree and a nice fire gave off a beautiful glow . On the tree , one string of lights , which was supposed to flash , had stopped several days before . It was five minutes to midnight when the fireplace suddenly just about went out , and the string of lights started to flash - and the other lights stopped flashing ! My wife and I were sitting on the floor and it had become very chilly in the room . I looked over to my Lazyboy chair . . . and a figure was sitting there - my mother with a big beautiful smile on her face ! My wife , who had never met my mother , said she could see the same thing . This " ghost " never spoke , but just kept looking at me and my wife and smiling . At 12 midnight , the fire in the fireplace started up again and the lights on the tree stopped flashing and the others started flashing again . I looked over in the chair and the ghost was gone . No matter what I did to those Christmas lights , they never flashed again . " " I am Magda and now I am 14 years old . When I was seven , I was in Poland with my family ( that being where I come from ! ) I couldn 't sleep that night because it was Christmas Eve and like many other children , I was too excited to fall asleep . My mind was going crazy ! But after midnight passing by , I decided to get into bed and close my eyes . I tried sleeping , which would not work . So , I just ended up tossing and turning to find a comfortable position . In my bedroom , there was a large wardrobe ( which belonged to my cousins . We were staying at theirs ! ) I happened to look at it and found myself staring at it for a couple of seconds . . . At that time , my dad came into my room to say good night to me , and he could see my scared face . I pointed up to the wardrobe ( I could still see Father Christmas ) but my dad just looked at me as if I had gone mad . In the end , I burst into tears and ran out of the room into the kitchen . My family heard me and came running after me . I explained what had happened and they told me that I just got a little too excited about Christmas . I know that 's not true and that I really did see him . What I can 't figure out , is why ? ! Was it really Father Christmas or was it an evil spirit trying to get through to me by pretending to be him ? " I was " bigger than a house " pregnant and was munching on some left over Christmas dinner . We all were sitting in the dark while watching a movie . I was feeling fine and my baby was kicking about . I moved closer to my MawMaw so she could feel the baby move . I sat beside her for the remainder of that movie . She had a Christmas tree sitting in front of the window that was decorated with ornaments that she had whenever my mom , aunt and uncles were babies and some ornaments that my PawPaw liked a lot . They were looking their age , but still gave a nice shimmer when the Christmas lights would blink near them . I felt a little funny . I thought it was a pregnancy thing . I saw something out of the corner of my eye and turned my head to see what it was . On the tree , there was this large , gold ornament , which belonged to my PawPaw . It was spinning very fast around and around as if someone had wound it up and let it go . I found this utterly fascinating because the rest of the ornaments sat still . The tree did not move and nothing was disturbed . I tapped my MawMaw on the shoulder and pointed to the tree . She looked surprised for a moment and a great peace washed over her . She said aloud , " Alvin ( that was my PawPaw 's name ) , I love you too . And Merry Christmas . " Then her touch lamp came on , blinked twice and went off again . Two months later , she passed away . For the rest of my life , I will always think that he was there letting her know he was waiting on her to go with her to Heaven . I never felt like he moved into the light until she joined him . " Last Christmas evening , I went to bed and woke up to the phone ringing . I answered it and a voice that was very familiar to me said , " Hello there . " It was my mother 's voice ! The line had a static noise and it started to cut in and out . I said , " This can 't be you , mom . You 're dead ! " She said , " Oh , come on now ! " She sounded a bit agitated , and then we were cut off . My 16 - year - old daughter was sleeping in the next room and also heard the phone ring that night . I know it was my mother 's voice : she has a Norwegian accent and it was her ! " Over the years , many children and adults have reported sightings of the real Santa Claus - not department store Santas or bell - ringing Salvation Army charity collectors , but the real thi g ! They even claim seeing the sleigh and reindeer in some cas s . Are these illusions seen through the eyes of Christmas excitement and expectati n ? Or are these cases of genuine Christmas mag After that , I decided to go to my room to watch some television , but there was nothing good to watch . I then found myself pacing back and forth in the hallway . My house is big , so there was no one with me . Everyone was in the living room watching a movie I wasn 't interested in . About seven minutes into my pacing , I saw a tall , fat figure scurry away about 20 feet away from me . It was crouched down , too . It was even wearing some sort of Santa Claus suit . I didn 't believe in Santa , but this just freaked me out . There was a strange man in my house ! I quickly ran to where my parents were and told them all about it . They grinned at me and said jokingly , " Maybe it was Santa Claus . " I didn 't believe that , so I just sat down in the living room with my family and everybody else . Then it occurred again on Christmas Eve , 2004 . I remember it more vividly than the last one . I was lying on the couch in the living room . My parents were in the kitchen having a conversation about a business blog or something . Suddenly , I saw a huge man , about seven or eight feet tall , crawl underneath the tree and just vanish . Before it disappeared , it looked at me and said , " Shh . " Very strange , so I went into the kitchen and sat with my parents . Smaller happenings occurred the following Christmases . I recall one in 2007 , it was daylight this time and I just happened to see another tall figure with a Santa hat trudge by me for two seconds , then it was gone . This really happened ! " WHITE SANTA - 1969 " I had an experience when I was three years old and still young enough to wear footed pajamas . The year was maybe 1969 , Christmas Eve . . . I wanted to see what Santa had brought me , so I quietly walked down the hallway and looked around the corner to our living room . I saw my parents and someone I didn 't know around our Christmas tree . The stranger was an old guy with a white beard and hair with a red suit . I quickly went back to my room as fast as I could with footed pajamas and slid into bed . I told my family , but I knew they really didn 't believe me . I swear on my life to this day that I saw something . I don 't know if it was really Santa Claus , but I did see what I described ! " He must have felt my presence because he turned around and looked at me . He didn 't look jolly or kind and happy like you would expect Santa Claus to look . He looked kind of eerie , like he was staring into my soul . Years later , I remembered it . I thought it could have been a burglar , but when I asked my parents , nothing was ever missing from that apartment . The only time we were ever robbed was when we moved later on . The only explanation I have now , is that it was some kind of creepy apparition . " The bus ride was uneventful until we came close to my parents ' home town . . . I was looking out the window and looked at the Michelin tire factory as we went by it , going uphill . When the bus reached the top of the hill , I got a strange feeling , and for some unknown reason , I started to imagine many people on the bus laughing at me ! " Right then , there was a blip in reality and the bus was suddenly about a mile back on the highway ! I then had the experience of watching the bus drive by the tire factory again ! This kind of scared me , and I noticed that the family sitting in the front , who were talking loudly before , were now dead quiet . " I approached the bus driver when we stopped and told him what I thought happened . He looked really nervous and he said something like , ' Things like that happen . " Putre , Chile , 1977 - At 3 : 50 a . m . on April 24 , during army training exercises , a guard saw two fuzzy violet lights descending from the mountain and heading their way . At 4 : 15 a . m . , Corporal Armando Valdez set out into the dark to investigate them . He returned 15 minutes later , but from the opposite direction in which he set out . He seemed to be in a kind of trance , muttering , " You do not know who we are or where we come from . " Inexplicably , the corporal had several days growth of beard , and his watch had stopped at 4 : 15 - but showed a date of April 30 ! Or how about this one , in Maine : Oxford , Maine , 1975 - At 3 a . m . on October 27 , David Stephens , 21 , and an 18 - year - old friend were in a wooded area when they heard a strange sound . They got in their car to go investigate , and the vehicle was soon enveloped in a colored glow . There was a blink in reality and the two instantly found themselves about a mile away with the car pointing in the opposite direction . They subsequently suffered various physical abnormalities , including severe disorientation . Somerset , England , 1974 - On July 28 , Peter Williamson was having a barbecue in his backyard garden , which was interrupted by a heavy electrical storm . His dog , spooked by the threatening atmosphere , cowered under a tree . Peter went to rescue the animal . There was a bright flash - and Peter vanished into thin air ! ? ! Police were called and a thorough investigation and search were conducted , without success . Linhares , Brazil , 1981 - On April 20 , Jorge Ramos , who was a representative for a chemical company , left his home at 6 p . m . to travel a few miles to a meeting . He never arrived . His Volkswagon was found on a side road a few miles from his home ; the key was still in the ignition and all his business and personal effects were in the car . Police investigations could not account for what happened to Jorge or where he was . Five days later , his wife received a frantic call from Jorge . He said that while driving his car he was covered in a strange white glow after which he found himself in a dreamy , floating state . He came to standing by an unfamiliar road and sought help . To his shock , he discovered that the date was now April 25 - and he was 600 miles from home ! The videotape reveals what happened : As a worker approached one of the gates , a fuzzy white glow appeared and covered the area where the man was standing . There was brief electrical interference to the cameras , but when they cleared , the man had disappeared . One hour and 50 minutes later , the cameras recorded his sudden reappearance . He was on all fours , violently ill and suffered a two - hour gap in his memory . In October of that year , L . C . and an associate were driving along Highway 167 when they passed what would be considered to be an antique car in mint condition . Oddly , however , the car 's license plate was dated 1940 . And that was just the beginning . . . As they passed the car slowly to its left , L . C . noticed the driver of the car was a young woman dressed in what appeared to be 1940 vintage clothing . The windows of her car were rolled up , a fact which puzzled L . C . because , though the temperature was nippy , it was quite pleasant and a light sweater was sufficient to keep you comfortable . As they pulled up next to the car , their study turned to alarm as their attention was riveted to the animated expressions of fear and panic on the woman 's face . Driving alongside of her at a near crawl , they could see her frantically looking back and forth as if lost or in need of help . She appeared on the verge of tears . L . C . called out to her and asked if she needed help . To this she nodded ' yes , ' all the while with a very puzzled look at their vehicle . What can be concluded then from these anecdotal tales ? Did these people actually travel , albeit briefly , into the past to glimpse scenes that once were ? Or were they caught up in a form of haunting where , like an old movie , they saw a scene that had somehow been implanted in a location and allowed to " play back " again for those sensitive enough to pick up the lingering impressions ? Perhaps there is a natural phenomenon that under the right conditions and location can produce briefly a doorway to another time and place . Even though this may sound outrageous , this natural " time machine " could show that modern concepts and perceptions of time need to be seriously reconsidered . It may be that the past and even the future might be closer then thought with current scientific theories . With the right frame of mind and the right natural conditions , the barriers of time and space that have traditionally kept mankind locked into place may finally be broken , allowing the mysteries of the world and the universe to be finally revealed . We are used to time progressing in a linear fashion , one event leading to another . Strangely , it doesn 't always work like that . Consider the experience of Eula White in rural Alabama when she was a young girl in the 1920s . . . " In those days , " Eula says , " rural Alabama was still kind of backward . Little electricity , and horses and wagons the only transportation for many farm folk . I remember it was a bright summer day . . . Early that morning , the other women and I had gathered on the front porch of the Hawkins ' farmhouse to shell quite a few bushels of peas and beans . " About mid - afternoon we were still on the porch shelling peas . We looked up and saw Mr . Hawkins approaching the house . Thrown across the saddle in front of him , was a large white , cloth sack of flour , and cradled in his left arm was a brown bag of other groceries . We watched as he rode up to the gate , and he stopped there , waiting for someone to open it . One of the boys ran to the gate and opened it . Then , in full view of all of us women and children , Mr . Hawkins vanished ! He just disappeared , instantly ! " We sat there for a second or so , just astonished . Then , terrified , we began screaming ! After a few minutes , we calmed down , but were still shaking and confused . We just didn 't know what to do ! ? ! ? ! So after a while , we went back to shelling peas . Mrs . Hawkins made one the boys close the gate . " About a half hour later , we looked up and again , saw Mr . Hawkins riding toward the house with that same white sack of flour across the saddle in front of him , and that same brown bag of groceries in his left hand . Again , he rode up to the gate without a sound and stopped . " Well , is someone going to open the gate for me ? " You see . . . Mr . Hawkins got there before he arrived ! " A similar replay of time happened to Ryan Bratton at the age of eight . . . It was an otherwise ordinary day for him and his friend as they were sitting in his yard while other kids rode their bikes up and down a driveway . " A car came down the road and stopped at a house , " Ryan remembers . " A kid got out and ran inside making noises that kids around his age make . Then a girl rode her bike down the driveway . " A couple of minutes after this happened , the SAME car went down the road , stopped at the house , and the SAME kid got out of the car and ran inside screaming the EXACT things he had been saying . Then the girl went down the hill on her bike AGAIN . I looked over to my friend and he said he had no idea what had just happened . " In 1997 , Lyn lived in a small outback town that was built in 1947 and had changed little since that time . " I was driving toward the main intersection of the town , when suddenly I felt a change in the air . It wasn 't the classic colder feeling , but a change , like a shift in atmosphere . The air felt denser somehow . " One afternoon , I was coming home from work . As I was coming over a hill , I noticed several men in a field on the left . They were sitting around eating watermelons out of the field . About 20 or so melons were busted up and scattered over the ground . As I approached them , the men all looked toward my car . One man looked me right in the eye and started running right in my path . I was going pretty fast and when I noticed that this man was going to run right in front of me , I slammed on brakes as hard as I could . The man kept going and I missed hitting him by less than a foot ! I was so angry that the man would pull a stunt like this , I turned and looked at him . He was on my passenger side just at the rear of my car at this time . I flipped him off while expressing my anger pretty loud . My windows were down and I could hear all of his friends laughing at me . Then I noticed that they were all dressed funny - like clothing from the 1920s with hats on and some had scarves tied around their necks . I drove on home , ( which took about two minutes ) and went in and told my dad what happened . He said he would go down there and say something to them . He was pretty angry , too . My dad was gone about five or six minutes , and when he came back , he told me that I had better quit making stuff up , and to be more careful driving . ? ! ? ! ? ! I told him he must have looked at the wrong place and that I would go back with him and show him . This was less that 15 minutes after I had first went by . When we got there , the men were gone and all of the watermelons were intact . We got out and looked . There were no footprints in the field at all and there should have been , because the ground was all muddy ! The most amazing experiences of slips in time , perhaps , are those in which people actually see , hear and even interact with other people and things that seem to have been in another space and time . . . John was a six - year - old in Stoke - on - Trent , England when his brush with the past occurred . He was on his way to school with his friend when they stopped to watch some builders working on some new houses . As they approached the site , they noticed an old cottage nearby . An old lady came out and offered John and his friend some lemonade , and they went into her house . After leaving the cottage , they continued on to school , only to discover that it was almost 4 o ' clock and school was just closing ! They had left home at 1 : 30 p . m . on a journey that should have taken about 20 minutes ! The next day , John and his friend took the same route to school , but to their amazement there was no sign of any cottage or the old lady they had seen the previous day ! The only explanation seems to be that John and his friend experienced some sort of time slip in which for a few hours , they were transported back to an earlier time when indeed a cottage - and its occupant - did exist on that land . Many cultures from around the world have always claimed to having seen shadowy beings lurking around . One variation of this type of entity is " The Hat Man . " This type of entity is mostly featureless , although they / he / it clearly have masculine forms and wear old fashioned hats . It 's also been suggested that this strange entity is somewhat of an inspiration for Freddy Krueger ! Wes Craven has talked about an experience he once had when he was a young boy , in which he saw a scary looking man walking down the street wearing a bowler hat . . . The man had scars all over his face and looked up at Craven through the window and gave off a sense of foreboding . While this could have just been an ordinary guy and not a shadowy person or demon , it was still a creepy experience . People who reportedly come across a hat man usually claim to feel a frightening feeling , as if they are being threatened . While some ghosts don 't seem aware of the presence of the living , it seems that shadow people do . Witnesses claim that , despite not seeing his face , they have a sense that the hat man is staring right at them . Furthermore , it would seem that this entity 's sole purpose in visiting people is to make them as uncomfortable and frightened as possible . They normally don 't try to communicate , except for the fact they are emitting bad vibes . Their mere presence alone is enough to make someone feel extremely uncomfortable and even threatened . Still , there 's no evidence to suggest that something very bad happens after someone sees the hat man . The " ghost " or " demon " , whatever it may be , usually goes away after a few moments and nothing bad ever seems to happen afterwards . So , are shadow people really malevolent ? Is the hat man really a threat to anyone ? It seems that this phenomenon provides more questions than answers . Most people who witness hat men claim that they 're solid and definitely an outline of a male body . The outline of the hat is also distinct and solid . It 's only natural to assume that they 're real enough to be moreHe definitely gives off negative vibes and a sense of foreboding to anyone around ! " What is the Hat Man ? This has been a question that I have asked myself for the last nearly two decades . Ever since the time I saw the dark shadow man with a long cape and a wide brimmed hat standing in the dark doorway of my great - grandmother 's hallway . . . This was what I believed , and this is what I told others . . . until the day I learned that my story was not the only one out there . . . In 2007 , I was listening one evening to a radio program and on the show there was someone talking about a phenomenon known as the " shadow people " . They described these shadow beings as being like shadows , only darker . They stated that they would often appear in people 's rooms at night and just stand there - staring at them while the person being stared at would feel a sense of fear and dread . They noted how the shadow beings were all similar in appearance - some would be large and some would be small , some had what appeared to be reddish eyes and some were just faceless . They even mentioned that some shadow beings appeared in other forms , like cats and spiders and indiscriminate , shapeless dark blobs on the ceiling , etc . None of these descriptions really struck a nerve with me or even reminded me about my own experience , until the person mentioned a phenomenon that she said was very strange . . . A particular shadow being that seemed to show up all over the world . As she went on to describe this being , I felt chills go down my spine as the hair on my arms stood straight up . I immediately remembered my experience and worse yet - relived the sense of dread and fear . She mentioned that the being that shows up most often , is that of a dark shadowy figure of a man with what looks like a long cape and large wide brimmed hat . She descriptively called the being : " The Hat Man " . The first thing I did in my research , was scour the internet for as much information as I could find on this " Hat Man . " I was shocked by at least a couple of things : One being , the fact that there was not that much out there about the Hat Man - meaning nobody knew what he ( or it ) was . And two , the sheer number of people who have had this exact same experience ( there are literally thousands ! ) Since there was nothing out there that adequately addressed the issue at hand , I decided to take it upon myself to begin a research project on this phenomenon . My research into Shadow People and the Hat Man in general , began in late 2007 . Immediately as I began my research , I knew that there needed to be a place for people to share their stories . So in early 2008 , I launched The Hat Man Project , an online medium through which people could connect and share their stories of the Hat Man experience . After reading over hundreds of stories and speaking with numerous individuals about the Hat Man , I have begun to draw some preliminary conclusions as to what The Hat Man is , and what his purpose is in observing those he appears to . To read more , click the link below : |
A few days ago I introduced you to Tearra . What I didn 't tell you is that she is actually well known here in Michigan . She 's been featured in newspapers , magazines , and TV here . She 's a celebrity in parts of Michigan , and she tours the state and makes public appearances . I 'm not the first to write about her , and I definitely won 't be the last . She has actually accomplished quite a number of things . I won 't say more than that out of respect for her privacy . Another thing is that she has appeared on this website a few times before . I make it no secret that I 'm one of her biggest fans . I actually had to beg her to come out to these places where you see her in these pictures . The water down there looked pretty dangerous , but she was brave enough to get right up to the edge and tolerate several photos . There were a lot more photos taken of her that day , and I wasn 't the only photographer . I kind of felt like I was in the way sometimes , with my little camera , but nobody seemed upset with me . I was treated pretty well , as a matter of fact . I was just happy to be there , so I tried to stay out of the way as much as possible . Most of these pictures were taken of her standing by this raging river . The others were similar to what I 've already shown . I had a few more up where it was a little safer , but me being a terrible photographer , I got them blurry , so they won 't be shown here . Oh well , these are enough anyway . She told me that this was actually the second time she had been photographed down there . Somebody did some professional photos of her for another project a little while back . I guess it was close to where you see her standing in these pictures . The difference is that they did much more than I did , and it was for something much bigger than a lonely little internet blog . I was really lucky for her to agree to do this , especially since I didn 't pay her for her time . She said it would be okay if I tagged along since she knew that I was a fan of hers . While I was there , I got some other photos of this place too , that I 'll puPosted by Last time I took pictures of this pond , it was full of geese . I got some pretty good shots , and some of them are here on this site . I showed you what it looked like to see geese landing in the pond . I really like stuff like that . I have a link to it at the bottom of this post , if you want to see it . I wasn 't necessarily going to take more pictures of the pond , but when I drove by it I saw something very interesting . It was something I have been waiting for ever since it started to get cold around here . The pond was frozen over . But wait , there 's more . . . Really , that 's not all . It 's not the best part . As I said , the pond was frozen over , but it was only frozen part of the way . I caught it in a really good transition period . I really didn 't think it would freeze in the particular way that it did . It was really cool . Get it , cool . Heh heh . Only half of the pond looked to be frozen . I figured it would freeze just a little more evenly . On the shore near the part that was frozen , there is a sign that is one of the most appropriate signs I 've ever seen . Take a close look at it . I accidentally had perfect timing with this one . The half of the pond that was still liquid on top looked kind of thick to me . Maybe there was ice in there too , but it wasn 't quite frozen enough yet . I think you can see it a little bit in the picture below . On the surface of the wet area there are smaller patches where the water is frozen enough to have snow on it . I like that there are patches in the frozen part where it 's still a little more liquid . I wouldn 't want to try skating on this thin ice . I just think that it 's really interesting to see this pond in the middle of freezing . I 'll make sure I get some photos of it when it 's fully frozen later in the winter . I forgot to mention that this pond is located in the front of Heritage Park . I 'm interested to see what happens to the big pond in Woodland Hills Park . Will it freeze in this same way , or in a more expected manner . I 'll have to go and look when it gets a little bit colder . Until then , I thinPosted by This is Tearra . Tearra likes to play on the railroad tracks . Don 't ask me why . She just does . There she is having a good time standing there on the tracks . I think she 's waiting for a train . Maybe she 's wanting to take a trip , like a hobo . I wonder if it 's that she likes to jump in front of trains and scare the engineer . Not really . She just wanted her picture taken . She wanted to be a star . Yesterday I said that I might start taking pictures of people , along with my nature photos . Tearra said she wanted to be the very first one . I kept asking her if she was really sure , but she insisted that she have her picture here . How could I say no ? So I made sure that she got what she wanted . She wants to be a C - lebrity . Tearra took me to some good places where we could get some more nature photos . There were some excellent places that I 've never been to before . We got some excellent photos , that I 'll feature here in the near future . I took several pictures of Tearra along with the nature . She was very helpful , and of course one of my very favorite people . All in all , I 'd say we had a pretty good time . It was so fun that we forgot the time . When we started it was about midafternoon , and it was already getting dark when we were finished . It 's a shame it was getting dark , because she told me about a few fantastic and amazing animals that she knew about . Oh well , maybe next time . Speaking of next time , I suggested to her that next time we could go back to those railroad tracks , and I could tie her up and leave her laying across them . I thought it was a pretty funny joke . But right then nice , sweet Tearra turned into mean , angry , evil Tearra . She apparently didn 't like what I said one little bit , because she brought out her vicious dog , Rock . By then I was wondering what I should do . Before I could come up with a solution , she pointed right at me , and said to Rock , " Sic ' em ! " Of course I was now paralyzed with fear . Rock was a killer ! I had no where to run , and no where to hide . I had no idea my little joke would have such an impactPosted by This last time I went out hiking I found something completely unexpected . People ! Whenever I visit these trails there are a few people around , but it was literally crowded . Until this year , I pretty much only went hiking during warmer weather , but now it 'll be all year long . In the summer I would pass by maybe two or three groups of people a day ; but as it gets colder , there are more and more people coming out . The whole thing seems rather backwards to me . I thought at first they were looking at the fall colors , but those colors are gone now . I 'm really not sure what the extra attraction is . Maybe the changing seasons are especially interesting for others . When I go hiking I like to get plenty of pictures of the surrounding nature . I kind of avoid using pictures of people . Some people might not like having their picture posted on the internet . Honestly I 'm not sure because I almost never ask . The few times I did , they were very receptive to the idea . So maybe I should reevaluate my thoughts on this . I belong to a very private family , so my views on things like that are biased in that way . You can see by my avatar at the top of my blog , that I am very camera shy . This blog was actually a hard thing for me to start , because I had trouble with revealing anything to others . I think I 'm getting better with that though . I leave clues to my identity every once in a while . Back to my main subject . I went out to get some photos of nature , and not people . I saw so many people out there , that I became a little discouraged . So I decided to take a trail where I almost never see anyone . It 's usually deserted , because it has a lot of very steep hills . Most people like the easier paths . I figured I would get some good pictures here without being interrupted . Boy was I wrong ! Even this trail was full of people ! Just in front of me there was a man and a woman , and behind me there were people with little kids . If you look closely at the center of the photo below , you can just make out the man that was in front . I really didn 't want to bPosted by I 've seen a few other blogs with an idea that I thought was interesting , and might be good to try . They called it Wordless Wednesday . This post is of course not totally wordless , but I figured I 'd try it out , or at least something similar . I decided to bring you some pictures of a few of the hiking trails that I travel . Instead of a story for each one , I thought I 'd just give you more photos than usual . These pictures were taken just a few days ago . They 're not spectacular , but they 're what I see when I go hiking . So let 's see how this almost Wordless Wednesday works out . What do you think ? Is this Wordless Wednesday thing a good idea , or maybe not so good ? Do you want this every once in a while , or should I go ahead and talk ? I would really appreciate some honest opinions on this . I won 't be offended either way . This is just an experiment so far . See you tomorrow with a few more words than this ! I 've always been fascinated by waterfalls . I like to look at pictures of waterfalls , and I like to use them as my computer 's desktop background . There 's just something about all of that rushing water that gives me a good feeling . I really don 't know what it is . I guess maybe it 's because a waterfall is such a huge part of nature . The only problem is that I don 't think I 've ever seen a real waterfall . I 've seen photos and video of them , but never a real up close waterfall . Here in Michigan we have one of the largest fresh water supplies on earth . And the Detroit River , where I 'm closest to , is one of the largest rivers in the world . But the land around me is mostly flat , so that means maybe no waterfalls . With all of this water around me , I figured there must be some waterfalls somewhere in Michigan . I live just outside of the city , so I haven 't seen that many places where a waterfall can exist . Recently I decided to start searching for waterfalls that might be near me . I really haven 't had much luck , but now by accident , maybe I finally found one . I was on one of my typical hiking journeys , just being The Everyday Adventurer , when I walked over a bridge and heard the sound of rushing water . Up until then I 've never heard that sound , even with all of the water photos I have on this site . Of course I had to investigate . The sound was coming from a place that was pretty far off the trail . It was a place that was hidden by a steep slope , so I never went in that direction before . This time I climbed down the slope and headed straight for the sound . I had to pick my way through some pretty dense forest . It wasn 't very easy to make it through , but as you can see by the pictures I have here , I found what I was looking for . But wait a minute , is it really a waterfall ? Maybe . Maybe not . If you look closely , you might be able to understand the actual size of my waterfall . If I was an ant , this would be a mighty waterfall , but a person could almost stomp this one out of existence . Actually , it 's probably about three feet high . I ' mPosted by One of the fun things about hiking is the interesting things you might find on your journey . The best thing to do is look everywhere you can . You do this for two reasons . One is for your own safety . You don 't want to fall or step on the wrong thing , and injure yourself . The other reason is for what I started to say before . The interesting things to see . I was walking along one of the nature trails , and I happened to look up in one of the trees , and I saw something special . It was beginning to get dark outside so it wasn 't really easy to see , but I still saw it . It was the wasp nest in my picture here . This thing was very high up in the tree . It was about the same size as a basketball . When I saw it I was actually looking for bird 's nests , so something like this stood right out for me . Since there are no leaves left on the trees I saw it quite clearly . The only problem was that the sky was darkening , and the nest was the very same color as the trees bark . I read that wasps make these nests out of the bark of a tree , and turn it into a kind of paper . It forms layers that get bigger and bigger as they add more on . This wasp colony must be huge ! I 'm glad it was so cold out , I really don 't want to be around a bunch of wasps . Most people know they 'll sting you if you bother them . I 'm sure they were probably in there dormant for the winter . When spring comes around , this nest will probably be literally buzzing with activity . I took a few pictures of this nest to try to get a good one . It might be easier to see if it was brighter outside , but who knows when I 'll be back this way . I gotta get ' em while I can . Looking at the size of this nest , I wonder how many thousand wasps live in there . It was just another unique thing I saw on today 's everyday adventure . I wonder what 's next . . . Related PostsWhat Are These Blood Red Bugs ? DragonflyBugging MeFlight Of The BumblebeeScary Looking Insects Yesterday I told the story of the Runaway Ducks . When I was taking pictures of them , they kept swimming away from me . It 's maybe not that unusual for that to happen , but for me it is . Any other time I remember seeing ducks they were a lot more friendly towards me . Some even swam over to beg for food . Not this time . Even though my poor little heart was broken by these antisocial ducks , I saw something quite unusual . Well , for me it was unusual . I saw a male Mallard duck with very white feathers . Most times those feathers are light gray . I never saw one like it before . I knew when I saw it that I had to share at least one photo of it with others . This particular duck was on the other side of the bridge I was standing on , from the other ducks . It was in a small group of about five . The section of the pond there is much smaller than the other sections , but there are a lot of plants growing there . That gives the ducks more places to hide from snoopy Duckarazzi ( thanks Kruel ! ) like me . Hiding is exactly what they were doing . When I tried to get any pictures of this group , they swam straight for cover . I still got some though , and the best is right here for all to see . In the photo above , you can see that he stands out from the rest . Males ( drakes ) are more colorful than females ( ducks ) , but he is something special . While I really like the white one , I like all of the others too . It 's just that I 've seen several of the grayer ones . Here 's a typical one , from the same day , with gray feathers . You can see that it 's beautiful in it 's own right . The picture is a little on the dark side , so you can 't really see the colorful green head . Even the brown females are very beautiful . The brown ones were the first ducks I ever got any photos of . It was quite a while before I ever even saw any males . But now I can usually look around and see a drake and a duck paired up swimming side by side , like in my Lost In Time post . It must be love . Related PostsRunaway DucksWhat 's On The Other Side ? A New Discovery At The PondLost In TimeDucks On The TPosted by I was visiting my favorite pond , and I saw that there were more ducks swimming there . Of course I decided that I had to take a few pictures . I must have about two dozen photos of these ducks . On my way there I took several , and on my way back I got even more . This pond is near the back of Woodland Hills Nature Park . I pass by it every time I go to the far back of the park . It 's one of the best sights to see when I 'm hiking anywhere . I always get to see it twice , because I come back past it on my way back to the front . I 've featured it on several of my posts now . I love animals , and I love to see wild animals on my everyday adventures . If I get a chance I will get pictures of them , so all of you can see them too . Sharing is a wonderful thing . Whenever I see ducks I get pictures . I 've been lucky to see them in some of my favorite places . I think ducks are some of my favorite animals . Ever since I was a kid I 've always liked them . I like the way they look for some reason . Their duck bill is a memorable thing . Any other animal with a beak that is shaped like this is compared to a duck . The quack sound that a duck makes is just a delight to hear . These in my pictures were very talkative today . I loved it ! When I was a kid , I always thought of the snowy white ducks , like the cartoon character Donald . I always saw Daffy , but I never considered the darker ducks for some reason . That 's weird . I always thought Daffy was funnier than Donald , but I liked Donald 's voice better . I guess most people did . But real ducks were always white to me , until I saw a commercial on TV that introduced Mallard Ducks . It was a public service message to show that even though something can look different , those differences weren 't a bad thing . Ducks were still ducks . Now I knew about mallards . I 'm glad because that seems to be the kind of duck we have here in Michigan . When I was out here today taking these pictures , I began to notice something though . These ducks were always on the other side of the pond from me . I kept thinking that my timing mustPosted by I got a photo of falling snow ! I tried several times before , but the snowflakes themselves never appeared in the picture . It was easy to tell that there was a snowstorm , but I really wanted to capture the snow in the sky . I began to think it was an impossible task . The camera just didn 't seem to be able to see it right . This time I got it . This was one of the last pictures I took when I was in my uh , desperate flight from the Woodland Hills park during a snowstorm . This was at the last big turn before the home stretch out of the hiking trail . It was just far in enough for some people to need a rest . You can just see a bench in the leftmost edge of the picture . Those blurry white spots are the snow . If you look closely , you can see that they are at all different distances from me . It was light reflected off of the snowflakes that made them so blurry . I don 't remember if I had the flash on or off , so I guess I 'll have to find out again at another time . Next time maybe I 'll be able to get an even better photo like this . Hopefully it will be in a better , more controlled situation . Still , I consider this a good accomplishment , because I wanted it so bad . I wanted to know how to do it . I 'm not ashamed to say that I 'm proud of myself . Of course , it was also a lot of luck too , but I got it . Really , I was just relieved to be out of that little bit of danger right then . After the last couple of posts showing some dangerous and scary situations , I really wanted to show something positive about my adventure that day . It really was a fun time . I 'm also happy to share this picture with everyone . I hope it gives just a little bit of happiness to others . I know there are other photos of falling snow out there , but I didn 't take them . Sometimes these are the things that make this all worthwhile . I 'll be back tomorrow . Related PostsAmazing SnowfallHow I Made It Past A Fallen Tree Blocking My PathHow I Almost Got Trapped In A SnowstormHiking In The SnowFirst Snow Yesterday I talked about how I almost got trapped in a snowstorm . I had to hurry out of the park that I was hiking in , because a snowstorm had come out of nowhere . During my flight for freedom there were several things that happened to me . I didn 't have room to talk about them yesterday , because I needed to tell the story of my escape . One of those things was finding a tree that had fallen directly in my path when I was trying to get out . Just after I had calmed my irrational thoughts enough to keep myself injury free , I came upon this big tree that had fallen across the path . As I walked towards it I looked to see how I would get past . I have to say here that these hiking trails aren 't normally dangerous at all , but dozens of these trees had been knocked down by the previous storm , and I was right in the middle of a new storm . This tree was pretty big , and I was in the middle of a forest . Who knows what could happen ? I didn 't want to end up underneath another big tree , because I didn 't get myself out of there . Even though I had to stay calm about the whole thing , I still needed to leave in kind of a hurry . But this huge tree was in the way . You would think that it would be a simple thing . All I had to do was walk around it . No problem right ? Wrong ! If you look a little more closely at all of these pictures , you can see that it 's pretty impassable . If you look to the left , you can see that the tree still stretches on for just a little way . There are still more trees over there , all spaced very closely together . There is also a lot of debris piled up on that side . Not easy at all . When you look to the right , you 'll see that it 's the direction the tree fell from . There are several fallen trees side by side over there . Some of them are piled on top of the others . Just like the other side , there are still the standing trees that are very close together , and debris everywhere . This is all natural for a forest , especially in late fall and winter . As you can see , there was no escape to either side of me . I had only two optioPosted by As I 've been showing in my recent posts , we 've had our first big snow here in this part of Michigan . The weatherman has been saying that the snow wasn 't quite finished , so I didn 't think I would be able to go hiking . But today when I got off of work the sun was shining , and the snow looked like it was starting to melt away . The weather looked fine to me , and I wanted to get a few pictures before the snow was gone . Around here the first snow usually melts away pretty quickly . I really wanted to go hiking and see the first snowfall of the year . This was the first year I had my camera with me , so I decided to do it . I decided to try Woodland Hills Nature Park , because it 's main purpose is for hiking and viewing nature . There aren 't ever very many people here , because it 's not quite as organized or fancy as some of the other parks , and you feel more like you 're miles from civilization here . That 's why I love it so much . It 's really my favorite park for some of those very reasons . When I got there I saw exactly what I wanted . It looked like winter . It looks more bleak and dreary in these first two photos than it actually was . The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day . It was a great combination of winter and good weather . It would make my first true winter hike a good easy one . So I got out of the truck , and made my way into the entrance to the trails . As I got inside I was happy to see that the snow was still everywhere . As I previously thought , it was a bright sunny day , so the snow had already begun to melt . It was turning into water , and dripping off of every branch . The trails under my feet were wet and muddy . The old leaves were still there , but they were quickly being ground into the mud . I saw so many interesting things on my way to the back , that I can 't show them all here . Maybe I 'll feature some of them in my upcoming posts . There were really some great sights , and the wintery smells were something amazing . In the winter the oxygen level seems to go up , and the air smells so crisp and clean . I always loved Posted by This is my very first attempt to go hiking in the snow . I didn 't get very far , but I got some pictures of it . All of that white mist you see in the air is snow . It was snowing really hard out here ! The wind was blowing very hard , and it was probably a bad time to try this . I know I 'll be doing it again , it was fun ! When I got out to this park , I saw three other cars there . This isn 't a very big nature park . It has a small parking lot , and the nature trails . That 's all . Not many people come here at other times , and this wasn 't a normal time . Anyway , I saw these three cars , and all that snow coming down , and I thought , " Are these people crazy ? Look at all that snow ! " Then again , I was out there , so why shouldn 't they be there too ? I got out of the truck and looked around . The snow was really coming down ! This was just what I was looking for . I was trying to see if I could capture on film exactly what I was seeing . I wanted other people to see a photo of a heavy snow storm . I wasn 't sure if there was a real way to get that . Could I show falling snowflakes with this camera ? I still don 't know . I made my way to the bigger trail . I really didn 't want to go very far today . I just wanted a few pictures . I wasn 't really dressed for this cold weather anyway . I was finding that out the hard way just then . When I started walking up the trail , the snowfall suddenly increased greatly . That 's when I took this second picture . I decided then that maybe I should cut this a little shorter than I intended . Before I left the house there wasn 't very much snow , but now it was snowing really hard and it was getting colder by the second . So after taking a few more pictures I headed back to the truck . It seemed like a much longer walk back than it was getting out there . It was now hard to see in front of me , and the wind was blowing so hard it made my face hurt . I need to dress a little better for this next time . That ought to teach me to be better prepared for winter from now on . I 'll have to buy a cool hiking hat or something . Do they even mPosted by It 's here already ! The first big snow of the year in this area . I was planning on getting more pictures of the geese , but they were gone . So I got a few pictures of their replacement instead . I 'll bet the geese don 't like this too much ! Last night I was wondering where the geese go to sleep . It was raining yesterday , and I figured they must have to go someplace for shelter . But where does it go ? Now it 's snowing , and the geese around here don 't migrate south as much as they used to . What exactly does a goose do in weather like this ? I guess they 'll figure it out . Anyway , this snow is supposed to keep coming for the next few days . As I write this , we 've had about an inch of snow so far , and more is coming tomorrow . Fall seems to have ended pretty quickly around here . Maybe this is only temporary . Maybe we 're in for a long winter . I guess we 'll find out . Now the question for me is , what do I do now ? This will be a big transition for me . I normally go out hiking , and take pictures of nature . Then I come home and write a little bit about it . Will I still be able to do it ? I certainly hope so ! It might be a little harder to find animals , and maybe a few other things to take pictures of . But just like the geese , I guess I 'll figure it out . I 'll be back again tomorrow ! Related PostsGeese , Rain , And Dead BatteriesMemories Of Fallen LeavesFall In The ForestA Breathtaking Scene Whenever I 'm hiking on the nature trails , I always try to get some pictures of birds . Most of the time I 'm left feeling pretty foolish . I 'll spin around in circles making myself dizzy trying to keep up with a bird . I 'm not sure why I try so hard . I 'm not particularly interested in birds . The only explanation is that they 're part of nature , and also a challenge for me . The bigger birds like ducks and geese have been easy . They 're slower , and very sociable . They 'll walk right up and pose for you , if you have food . But the smaller perching type birds have always been a problem for me . I come home with about five blurry pictures every time I go hiking . All because I was chasing birds . This last time I was at Heritage Park I was walking through an area where birds like to gather . I always walk very slowly through there with the hope that I might get lucky . This time the place was swarming with birds . I saw them flying from branch to branch , and tree to tree . I knew this was my best chance so far ! I stopped and watched until I could see something even a little bit clearly . I attempted to get one in flight , but I always have trouble getting the camera ready for that . The trees here were very dense and it was hard to see through the branches . That wouldn 't discourage me though . It never does . Enough of this ! As you can see , I got a few photos that turned out okay . They 're not the best in the world , but for me they 're maybe my best so far . These two pictures aren 't the same bird . There were dozens of these birds gathered in these trees . It made it pretty easy for me . I couldn 't really see them that clearly when I was there . Also , as I said before , I 'm not much of a birdwatcher , so I couldn 't tell what kind of bird they are . So I decided to do a little bit of research , and now I know just what kind of birds they are . These birds are American Robins . I always knew that robins had a red colored breast , and were otherwise dark , but I didn 't know anything else . On the birds in my pictures there are these white rings around the eyes . Posted by For the last two days these geese have been gathering in my backyard , and this is the only picture I have of them . Yesterday I was too busy , and I had to leave for a while . I didn 't get back until after dark . I wanted some pictures of these birds , and I knew they would be around for a few days . Today it was raining , but when I looked out there I saw that the flock had grown to maybe forty geese . Even though I had to leave , I figured I should probably get a few pictures to show how many there were . I was watching them out there , and they seemed to be having a good time . Some were wandering around , some were eating something in the grass , and some were even laying down to rest . They seemed completely oblivious to the downpour ! I watched them there like this for a minute , and then decided to go out there . I went out in the rain trying to decide where the best place to be was . The geese didn 't seem to mind me being there , they never do , so I walked right into the middle of this big flock of geese . I raised my camera to start taking pictures , and then disaster struck ! I got exactly one picture and my camera battery went completely dead . The camera shut itself off . I tried to turn the camera back on , but it did no good . All I got was a message that said to change the batteries . I stupidly looked at the battery compartment , and thought about changing them . I began to search my pockets for more , but then I remembered that they were back in the house . As I realized all of this , it dawned on me that I was going to attempt to change my camera batteries in the middle of the pouring rain . I was in such a hurry that I wasn 't thinking straight at all . So I decided that maybe I should put the camera away for today . I was in a hurry to leave anyway , so I ended up with just this one lone picture of the geese . After I came back home , I looked at my camera sitting there on the table , and remembered my picture . I at least had this one . Now you do too . The only picture from a rainy day of geese and dead batteries . Related PostsRainy DaysFloPosted by Today I thought I would show a picture of some of the pond , from the back of the park . I can 't remember if I ever showed a picture from here yet . Even if I did , it was in the summer , and everything looked completely different to me from here . If I didn 't , I guess I 'll have to correct that one of these times . Anyway , this is the part of the pond that 's on the hiking trail side . I 'm on a section of trail that loops around behind me , and goes further to the back of the park , and into the forest . I 've seen deer and even snakes back there . I have a few pictures of some of them posted on this site . But across the pond from me is something that I love . It 's that old bridge over there . Today from here it looks old and broken down to me . It wasn 't made to look modern and shiny or anything . It was made to blend in with the surrounding nature . It 's actually not that old , but today it looks like it 's been there forever . I guess it is blending in , because the surrounding forest looks old and vast . You can see the brown and gray colors of the fall all over everything . The trees are dropping their leaves at a very quick pace now . The plants directly in front of me are tall and gray . From here the pond looks completely still . This whole scene gives me a feeling of peace and the thought that I 'm completely alone . The bridge and the other side aren 't actually as close as they look in this picture . I zoomed the camera in to give a better look at the bridge . I take these pictures not knowing what I might use here , then I choose the ones I like . Maybe I 'll choose a picture because I like the way it looks . I might choose one because something interesting happened at the time I took it . The pictures I put here go from really good to really bad . Sometimes I 'll put up bad ones because something exceptional happened at that time , and they are the best that I had . They 're part of the story , and it couldn 't be told properly without these bad pictures . The same goes for the good ones sometimes , but I guess I don 't feel the need to explain myself aPosted by I said a few days ago that in the past some of the good things I see out in nature are never put here , because I don 't have a big story to go along with it . Sometimes as the days go by , I move forward to another everyday adventure and certain things get lost in the past . These pictures from the far side of the pond almost became one of those things . I wanted to put these pictures up yesterday , but I try to limit the number of pictures I put up in each post . Even though I hope to do this for a very long time , I have limited space for these pictures . So I 'm trying to make it last for a while . I actually have quite a bit left , but I don 't want to push it . It 's best to plan for the future . Anyway , I found these ducks swimming around at the far side of the pond . I guess I gave a review yesterday , but there were other things to talk about then . When I was on the official trail and looking at the near side of the pond , I was a little disappointed to see no ducks swimming there . It was here at the far side that I found them , of course . Before I got here I had no idea what I would find . I always like seeing ducks or geese anywhere I find them . I 've seen them in several places , and I have some excellent duck photos that have so far been lost to the past . They 're some of my best pictures . I really intended to put them here . But that was right before the visible changes of the fall happened , and I like to keep this blog up with time . Here 's a picture of a male and female duck swimming together . The male is the one with the green head . I really liked this picture , and I wanted to make sure others got to see it . I 've been trying to get some of the things like this on here before it 's too late . I 've actually been out a few more times since then , and something good will unfortunately have to be forgotten . I always feel bad when I have to skip a few things here and there , but actually it might be a good thing . It means that I 'm doing a lot of things , and that 's always been what I really wanted . I feel like this has been filling my timPosted by Yesterday I told you of a new path to the other side of the pond that I found . The pond is separated into two parts by some tall water plants . I 've never been to the other side until now when this new path was revealed . This new path is only visible when the weather gets colder , and the growth of the weeds there is down . I left you as I took my first steps towards the other side , with a promise to show you what I found . Well here is some of it . The trail is on the side of a slope going down to the pond , so I can see why it wasn 't in use , and why it wasn 't maintained . The people that maintain the trails in the park usually try to block this area off , probably for everyone 's safety . Nice level paths are obviously much easier for most people . I don 't let things like that stop me . As I got over to the other side of the pond , I saw that this new section was almost as big as the one that I normally see . It 's always great to see something new . In the top picture you can see exactly what I saw when I got close enough for the whole scene to reveal itself to me . If you look at the middle of the far end , you can see birds swimming around over there . Here 's a closer look at some of the birds . They 're ducks ! These two were actually right beside me when I took the picture you see at the top . I have several pictures of these two ducks like this one . I chose to show you this picture because I like the way the duck on the left lifted it 's leg for a nice scratch . I also kind of liked the log that they 're on . It has a few interesting protrusions . That tallest one reminded me of a cactus . It 's the kind of thing I don 't usually point out for some reason . Little details like this are some of the things that make going out to these places worthwhile . If you take a closer look at it , you can see that something has been whittling at it . Maybe one of these ducks ? I wish I knew . The mystery to what has been shaping this thing is kind of intriguing all by itself . Here is the view from all the way on the other side of the pond from where I startedPosted by I found one of the great benefits of fall today ! There is a pond at the back of the Woodland Hills Nature Park , where I like to go hiking sometimes . I like to go back there and look out at it from every direction I can . Now I found something completely new . If you look toward the top of the picture , you 'll see that there is another section of the pond . Right in front of me is a small path leading right to it . During the summer , and the first part of fall , this path didn 't exist , because there were all of these weeds growing there . In fact , you couldn 't see the other section of the pond very well either . I 've never seen that other end of this pond up close before . It was always inaccessible . There wasn 't a path to it , and I couldn 't find any other way to get over there . And I really didn 't want to try to wade through some head high weeds to get there . So every other time I came here , I stayed on this side of the pond wondering what might be over there . There are clear defined trails in these nature parks that I go to , and I recommend that if you go to a place like this that you keep to the trails . There are things like poison ivy and snakes beside some of these paths . Even though I didn 't think I should go , that new little path in front of me was calling my name , begging me to follow . I think it was maybe a foolish move to go , but I have always wanted to know what was over there . What does it look like over there ? What does it feel like to stand on the other side of the pond , and look back to the place I came from ? I needed to see what the pond was like over there . So I looked around to make sure no official type people were anywhere near , and I took my first step in that direction . After all , I 'm The Everyday Adventurer , and this was a new adventure wasn 't it ? When I got there , I did see something . Tomorrow I 'll be back to show you what it was . Related PostsLooking Down Into WonderlandWhat I found - The Hidden RiverThis Could Be HeavenHeaven For Everyone A lot of times while I 'm out hiking on one of my everyday adventures , I 'll take pictures of just the ground in front of me . When I get back home , I don 't really know what to do with these pictures other than enjoy them myself . I use every picture I take as random desktop wallpaper for my computer . I 'm never sure if anyone else would want these , so I never put them on this site . There 's not always a story I can tell for these pictures , so I 'm the only one who gets to see them . I decided today to show a few that fit that pretty well . These three photos I show here are some I decided to take of the leaves on the path in front of me . At the time I thought they would make good desktop wallpaper , but I never intended to put them here . But then I figured , why not ? So now these are here for everyone to see . Anyone who wants these can go ahead and use them for their own wallpaper . I thought they were a good example of what fall looks like . They are basically pictures of the same area of leaves , with the camera zoomed differently . Everything in nature is unique , and when you leave here , you might never see these again . After I took these pictures , I stepped on this very spot as I moved on my way to something new . Of course this changed the way this spot looked forever . There may have been dozens of people that went through here after me . Animals have come through here and changed the look of this area some more . Even the wind and the rain , and more fallen leaves have changed this site . Time has taken these leaves and began to turn them to dust . Never to be seen again . Gone . These are not only pictures of leaves on the floor of the forest . These pictures have captured a moment in time that will never come again . I wonder if that 's why we value pictures so much . We look at them and have fond memories that we know we can never exactly have again . We can do the exact same thing we did before , but we all know when we try , that it never turns out quite the same . That first time is always the special one . Always unique . And we can neverPosted by I was watching an episode of The Dog Whisperer today , when I noticed something interesting . Cesar Millan , the star of the show , was using very similar techniques to get close to a nervous dog , that I use to get close to wild animals . I wrote a few posts about how to do this , not too long ago . And I 'll leave links to them at the end of this post , as well as a few links for information about The Dog Whisperer . I 've been watching the show , for a little while now , whenever I see that it 's on . I have to say that I 've been very impressed . It 's an amazing show , and he knows a great deal about dogs . I learn something new with every episode that I watch . I don 't usually think highly enough of a TV show to say anything about it here , but there are a few like this one that are exceptional . I usually only talk about things I find out in nature , but a show like this goes hand in hand with everything I try to put across here . I love dogs very much , and I appreciate seeing someone who has that much knowledge about them . Then when I see that person using similar techniques on animals that I do , it validates for me what I 'm doing here . It helps me believe I 'm on the right track , and doing something right . Anyone who 's interested in animals at all should give his show a try , if you haven 't been watching already . It 's been one of my favorite TV shows , and I think it can become one of yours too . I think you can learn some very helpful things if you have a dog . Now go and read my " 10 Tips To Get Close To A Deer " , and then watch a few of his episodes . You 'll see some very similar things there . The Dog WhispererCesar Millan 's Official WebsiteCesar Millan 's Dog Whisperer TVDog Whisperer | National Geographic ChannelRelated Posts10 Tips To Get Close To A DeerHow Close I Got To A Herd Of DeerMy Close Encounter With A Deer Yesterday I decided to go on a quick hike along one of the nature trails after work . It 's something I do rather frequently . It 's one of my main sources of these stories and photos . It 's a good way to forget my troubles from a full day of work . Well , when I got there , I saw a man with two little kids . During the fall there are a lot more people out on these trails , looking at the changing colors . They were standing around looking at different things at the beginning of the trail . I thought nothing of it as I entered the trail and began to get my camera ready . As soon as I started , they decided there was no better time to do the same . I have absolutely nothing against people and their kids , but I didn 't want any company just right then . Especially two yelling , screaming little kids running in front of and behind me , while I was trying to get some pictures of nature scenery . I thought about stopping to let them pass me , but then they slowed way down . I couldn 't win ! So I hurried up ahead hoping they would stay back there . I knew a place they wouldn 't follow , but I had to get there before they saw me , and became curious . Please , any other time but this one . I wanted to be alone . As I hurried down the trail , I saw a flash of movement under the fallen leaves at the edge of the trail . Instinctively I stopped to take a closer look , and maybe get a picture of whatever was moving . I figured it was maybe a rodent of some sort . Boy was I wrong ! It was the garter snake you see in these two pictures . I 've seen snakes before , but I 've never seen this one . I moved closer as stealthily as I could so as not to scare this creature away . It really wasn 't having any of it . It did a good job of hiding . But not good enough . I took the best pictures I could get , but the snake did have a good hiding place . Even so , I liked these two photos of this new garter snake . They show what you 'll normally see when you are trying to get close to an animal when it doesn 't want you there . I was hoping to get better shots , but these maybe show the reality oPosted by I 'm not really a mouse , but I claim to wear a creepy rat suit when I go hiking . Maybe you 'll find out one day . When you see me you don 't have to run . I really only take pictures . I am The Everyday Adventurer and I will take you on a journey through nature trails , local places , shops , bridges , parks , hiking , and other adventures . We 'll get stranded on a deserted island , and find the way back to civilization . Learn what it 's like to get caught in a winter blizzard . See photos of falling snow . A bridge to another world . Hidden rivers , and lakes . A creepy swamp . Wild animals , and strange plants . Who knows ? You could discover your own everyday fun . This is a tour of the unknown and magical . We 'll travel to Wonderland and back . You 'll see the rabbit and the blue caterpillar . You 'll even meet Alice . A trip through lost and hidden places . You 'll see strange oddities that are rare and wondrous . How about a weird arcade of the bizarre ? Or a look through time and history ? It 's all here . The world waits for you ! So look around , and be amazed ! A twisted tale ! A thousand eyes ! Trapped forever ! Epa ! Eeppaah ! |
A few days ago I introduced you to Tearra . What I didn 't tell you is that she is actually well known here in Michigan . She 's been featured in newspapers , magazines , and TV here . She 's a celebrity in parts of Michigan , and she tours the state and makes public appearances . I 'm not the first to write about her , and I definitely won 't be the last . She has actually accomplished quite a number of things . I won 't say more than that out of respect for her privacy . Another thing is that she has appeared on this website a few times before . I make it no secret that I 'm one of her biggest fans . I actually had to beg her to come out to these places where you see her in these pictures . The water down there looked pretty dangerous , but she was brave enough to get right up to the edge and tolerate several photos . There were a lot more photos taken of her that day , and I wasn 't the only photographer . I kind of felt like I was in the way sometimes , with my little camera , but nobody seemed upset with me . I was treated pretty well , as a matter of fact . I was just happy to be there , so I tried to stay out of the way as much as possible . Most of these pictures were taken of her standing by this raging river . The others were similar to what I 've already shown . I had a few more up where it was a little safer , but me being a terrible photographer , I got them blurry , so they won 't be shown here . Oh well , these are enough anyway . She told me that this was actually the second time she had been photographed down there . Somebody did some professional photos of her for another project a little while back . I guess it was close to where you see her standing in these pictures . The difference is that they did much more than I did , and it was for something much bigger than a lonely little internet blog . I was really lucky for her to agree to do this , especially since I didn 't pay her for her time . She said it would be okay if I tagged along since she knew that I was a fan of hers . While I was there , I got some other photos of this place too , that I 'll puPosted by Last time I took pictures of this pond , it was full of geese . I got some pretty good shots , and some of them are here on this site . I showed you what it looked like to see geese landing in the pond . I really like stuff like that . I have a link to it at the bottom of this post , if you want to see it . I wasn 't necessarily going to take more pictures of the pond , but when I drove by it I saw something very interesting . It was something I have been waiting for ever since it started to get cold around here . The pond was frozen over . But wait , there 's more . . . Really , that 's not all . It 's not the best part . As I said , the pond was frozen over , but it was only frozen part of the way . I caught it in a really good transition period . I really didn 't think it would freeze in the particular way that it did . It was really cool . Get it , cool . Heh heh . Only half of the pond looked to be frozen . I figured it would freeze just a little more evenly . On the shore near the part that was frozen , there is a sign that is one of the most appropriate signs I 've ever seen . Take a close look at it . I accidentally had perfect timing with this one . The half of the pond that was still liquid on top looked kind of thick to me . Maybe there was ice in there too , but it wasn 't quite frozen enough yet . I think you can see it a little bit in the picture below . On the surface of the wet area there are smaller patches where the water is frozen enough to have snow on it . I like that there are patches in the frozen part where it 's still a little more liquid . I wouldn 't want to try skating on this thin ice . I just think that it 's really interesting to see this pond in the middle of freezing . I 'll make sure I get some photos of it when it 's fully frozen later in the winter . I forgot to mention that this pond is located in the front of Heritage Park . I 'm interested to see what happens to the big pond in Woodland Hills Park . Will it freeze in this same way , or in a more expected manner . I 'll have to go and look when it gets a little bit colder . Until then , I thinPosted by This is Tearra . Tearra likes to play on the railroad tracks . Don 't ask me why . She just does . There she is having a good time standing there on the tracks . I think she 's waiting for a train . Maybe she 's wanting to take a trip , like a hobo . I wonder if it 's that she likes to jump in front of trains and scare the engineer . Not really . She just wanted her picture taken . She wanted to be a star . Yesterday I said that I might start taking pictures of people , along with my nature photos . Tearra said she wanted to be the very first one . I kept asking her if she was really sure , but she insisted that she have her picture here . How could I say no ? So I made sure that she got what she wanted . She wants to be a C - lebrity . Tearra took me to some good places where we could get some more nature photos . There were some excellent places that I 've never been to before . We got some excellent photos , that I 'll feature here in the near future . I took several pictures of Tearra along with the nature . She was very helpful , and of course one of my very favorite people . All in all , I 'd say we had a pretty good time . It was so fun that we forgot the time . When we started it was about midafternoon , and it was already getting dark when we were finished . It 's a shame it was getting dark , because she told me about a few fantastic and amazing animals that she knew about . Oh well , maybe next time . Speaking of next time , I suggested to her that next time we could go back to those railroad tracks , and I could tie her up and leave her laying across them . I thought it was a pretty funny joke . But right then nice , sweet Tearra turned into mean , angry , evil Tearra . She apparently didn 't like what I said one little bit , because she brought out her vicious dog , Rock . By then I was wondering what I should do . Before I could come up with a solution , she pointed right at me , and said to Rock , " Sic ' em ! " Of course I was now paralyzed with fear . Rock was a killer ! I had no where to run , and no where to hide . I had no idea my little joke would have such an impactPosted by This last time I went out hiking I found something completely unexpected . People ! Whenever I visit these trails there are a few people around , but it was literally crowded . Until this year , I pretty much only went hiking during warmer weather , but now it 'll be all year long . In the summer I would pass by maybe two or three groups of people a day ; but as it gets colder , there are more and more people coming out . The whole thing seems rather backwards to me . I thought at first they were looking at the fall colors , but those colors are gone now . I 'm really not sure what the extra attraction is . Maybe the changing seasons are especially interesting for others . When I go hiking I like to get plenty of pictures of the surrounding nature . I kind of avoid using pictures of people . Some people might not like having their picture posted on the internet . Honestly I 'm not sure because I almost never ask . The few times I did , they were very receptive to the idea . So maybe I should reevaluate my thoughts on this . I belong to a very private family , so my views on things like that are biased in that way . You can see by my avatar at the top of my blog , that I am very camera shy . This blog was actually a hard thing for me to start , because I had trouble with revealing anything to others . I think I 'm getting better with that though . I leave clues to my identity every once in a while . Back to my main subject . I went out to get some photos of nature , and not people . I saw so many people out there , that I became a little discouraged . So I decided to take a trail where I almost never see anyone . It 's usually deserted , because it has a lot of very steep hills . Most people like the easier paths . I figured I would get some good pictures here without being interrupted . Boy was I wrong ! Even this trail was full of people ! Just in front of me there was a man and a woman , and behind me there were people with little kids . If you look closely at the center of the photo below , you can just make out the man that was in front . I really didn 't want to bPosted by I 've seen a few other blogs with an idea that I thought was interesting , and might be good to try . They called it Wordless Wednesday . This post is of course not totally wordless , but I figured I 'd try it out , or at least something similar . I decided to bring you some pictures of a few of the hiking trails that I travel . Instead of a story for each one , I thought I 'd just give you more photos than usual . These pictures were taken just a few days ago . They 're not spectacular , but they 're what I see when I go hiking . So let 's see how this almost Wordless Wednesday works out . What do you think ? Is this Wordless Wednesday thing a good idea , or maybe not so good ? Do you want this every once in a while , or should I go ahead and talk ? I would really appreciate some honest opinions on this . I won 't be offended either way . This is just an experiment so far . See you tomorrow with a few more words than this ! I 've always been fascinated by waterfalls . I like to look at pictures of waterfalls , and I like to use them as my computer 's desktop background . There 's just something about all of that rushing water that gives me a good feeling . I really don 't know what it is . I guess maybe it 's because a waterfall is such a huge part of nature . The only problem is that I don 't think I 've ever seen a real waterfall . I 've seen photos and video of them , but never a real up close waterfall . Here in Michigan we have one of the largest fresh water supplies on earth . And the Detroit River , where I 'm closest to , is one of the largest rivers in the world . But the land around me is mostly flat , so that means maybe no waterfalls . With all of this water around me , I figured there must be some waterfalls somewhere in Michigan . I live just outside of the city , so I haven 't seen that many places where a waterfall can exist . Recently I decided to start searching for waterfalls that might be near me . I really haven 't had much luck , but now by accident , maybe I finally found one . I was on one of my typical hiking journeys , just being The Everyday Adventurer , when I walked over a bridge and heard the sound of rushing water . Up until then I 've never heard that sound , even with all of the water photos I have on this site . Of course I had to investigate . The sound was coming from a place that was pretty far off the trail . It was a place that was hidden by a steep slope , so I never went in that direction before . This time I climbed down the slope and headed straight for the sound . I had to pick my way through some pretty dense forest . It wasn 't very easy to make it through , but as you can see by the pictures I have here , I found what I was looking for . But wait a minute , is it really a waterfall ? Maybe . Maybe not . If you look closely , you might be able to understand the actual size of my waterfall . If I was an ant , this would be a mighty waterfall , but a person could almost stomp this one out of existence . Actually , it 's probably about three feet high . I ' mPosted by One of the fun things about hiking is the interesting things you might find on your journey . The best thing to do is look everywhere you can . You do this for two reasons . One is for your own safety . You don 't want to fall or step on the wrong thing , and injure yourself . The other reason is for what I started to say before . The interesting things to see . I was walking along one of the nature trails , and I happened to look up in one of the trees , and I saw something special . It was beginning to get dark outside so it wasn 't really easy to see , but I still saw it . It was the wasp nest in my picture here . This thing was very high up in the tree . It was about the same size as a basketball . When I saw it I was actually looking for bird 's nests , so something like this stood right out for me . Since there are no leaves left on the trees I saw it quite clearly . The only problem was that the sky was darkening , and the nest was the very same color as the trees bark . I read that wasps make these nests out of the bark of a tree , and turn it into a kind of paper . It forms layers that get bigger and bigger as they add more on . This wasp colony must be huge ! I 'm glad it was so cold out , I really don 't want to be around a bunch of wasps . Most people know they 'll sting you if you bother them . I 'm sure they were probably in there dormant for the winter . When spring comes around , this nest will probably be literally buzzing with activity . I took a few pictures of this nest to try to get a good one . It might be easier to see if it was brighter outside , but who knows when I 'll be back this way . I gotta get ' em while I can . Looking at the size of this nest , I wonder how many thousand wasps live in there . It was just another unique thing I saw on today 's everyday adventure . I wonder what 's next . . . Related PostsWhat Are These Blood Red Bugs ? DragonflyBugging MeFlight Of The BumblebeeScary Looking Insects Yesterday I told the story of the Runaway Ducks . When I was taking pictures of them , they kept swimming away from me . It 's maybe not that unusual for that to happen , but for me it is . Any other time I remember seeing ducks they were a lot more friendly towards me . Some even swam over to beg for food . Not this time . Even though my poor little heart was broken by these antisocial ducks , I saw something quite unusual . Well , for me it was unusual . I saw a male Mallard duck with very white feathers . Most times those feathers are light gray . I never saw one like it before . I knew when I saw it that I had to share at least one photo of it with others . This particular duck was on the other side of the bridge I was standing on , from the other ducks . It was in a small group of about five . The section of the pond there is much smaller than the other sections , but there are a lot of plants growing there . That gives the ducks more places to hide from snoopy Duckarazzi ( thanks Kruel ! ) like me . Hiding is exactly what they were doing . When I tried to get any pictures of this group , they swam straight for cover . I still got some though , and the best is right here for all to see . In the photo above , you can see that he stands out from the rest . Males ( drakes ) are more colorful than females ( ducks ) , but he is something special . While I really like the white one , I like all of the others too . It 's just that I 've seen several of the grayer ones . Here 's a typical one , from the same day , with gray feathers . You can see that it 's beautiful in it 's own right . The picture is a little on the dark side , so you can 't really see the colorful green head . Even the brown females are very beautiful . The brown ones were the first ducks I ever got any photos of . It was quite a while before I ever even saw any males . But now I can usually look around and see a drake and a duck paired up swimming side by side , like in my Lost In Time post . It must be love . Related PostsRunaway DucksWhat 's On The Other Side ? A New Discovery At The PondLost In TimeDucks On The TPosted by I was visiting my favorite pond , and I saw that there were more ducks swimming there . Of course I decided that I had to take a few pictures . I must have about two dozen photos of these ducks . On my way there I took several , and on my way back I got even more . This pond is near the back of Woodland Hills Nature Park . I pass by it every time I go to the far back of the park . It 's one of the best sights to see when I 'm hiking anywhere . I always get to see it twice , because I come back past it on my way back to the front . I 've featured it on several of my posts now . I love animals , and I love to see wild animals on my everyday adventures . If I get a chance I will get pictures of them , so all of you can see them too . Sharing is a wonderful thing . Whenever I see ducks I get pictures . I 've been lucky to see them in some of my favorite places . I think ducks are some of my favorite animals . Ever since I was a kid I 've always liked them . I like the way they look for some reason . Their duck bill is a memorable thing . Any other animal with a beak that is shaped like this is compared to a duck . The quack sound that a duck makes is just a delight to hear . These in my pictures were very talkative today . I loved it ! When I was a kid , I always thought of the snowy white ducks , like the cartoon character Donald . I always saw Daffy , but I never considered the darker ducks for some reason . That 's weird . I always thought Daffy was funnier than Donald , but I liked Donald 's voice better . I guess most people did . But real ducks were always white to me , until I saw a commercial on TV that introduced Mallard Ducks . It was a public service message to show that even though something can look different , those differences weren 't a bad thing . Ducks were still ducks . Now I knew about mallards . I 'm glad because that seems to be the kind of duck we have here in Michigan . When I was out here today taking these pictures , I began to notice something though . These ducks were always on the other side of the pond from me . I kept thinking that my timing mustPosted by I got a photo of falling snow ! I tried several times before , but the snowflakes themselves never appeared in the picture . It was easy to tell that there was a snowstorm , but I really wanted to capture the snow in the sky . I began to think it was an impossible task . The camera just didn 't seem to be able to see it right . This time I got it . This was one of the last pictures I took when I was in my uh , desperate flight from the Woodland Hills park during a snowstorm . This was at the last big turn before the home stretch out of the hiking trail . It was just far in enough for some people to need a rest . You can just see a bench in the leftmost edge of the picture . Those blurry white spots are the snow . If you look closely , you can see that they are at all different distances from me . It was light reflected off of the snowflakes that made them so blurry . I don 't remember if I had the flash on or off , so I guess I 'll have to find out again at another time . Next time maybe I 'll be able to get an even better photo like this . Hopefully it will be in a better , more controlled situation . Still , I consider this a good accomplishment , because I wanted it so bad . I wanted to know how to do it . I 'm not ashamed to say that I 'm proud of myself . Of course , it was also a lot of luck too , but I got it . Really , I was just relieved to be out of that little bit of danger right then . After the last couple of posts showing some dangerous and scary situations , I really wanted to show something positive about my adventure that day . It really was a fun time . I 'm also happy to share this picture with everyone . I hope it gives just a little bit of happiness to others . I know there are other photos of falling snow out there , but I didn 't take them . Sometimes these are the things that make this all worthwhile . I 'll be back tomorrow . Related PostsAmazing SnowfallHow I Made It Past A Fallen Tree Blocking My PathHow I Almost Got Trapped In A SnowstormHiking In The SnowFirst Snow Yesterday I talked about how I almost got trapped in a snowstorm . I had to hurry out of the park that I was hiking in , because a snowstorm had come out of nowhere . During my flight for freedom there were several things that happened to me . I didn 't have room to talk about them yesterday , because I needed to tell the story of my escape . One of those things was finding a tree that had fallen directly in my path when I was trying to get out . Just after I had calmed my irrational thoughts enough to keep myself injury free , I came upon this big tree that had fallen across the path . As I walked towards it I looked to see how I would get past . I have to say here that these hiking trails aren 't normally dangerous at all , but dozens of these trees had been knocked down by the previous storm , and I was right in the middle of a new storm . This tree was pretty big , and I was in the middle of a forest . Who knows what could happen ? I didn 't want to end up underneath another big tree , because I didn 't get myself out of there . Even though I had to stay calm about the whole thing , I still needed to leave in kind of a hurry . But this huge tree was in the way . You would think that it would be a simple thing . All I had to do was walk around it . No problem right ? Wrong ! If you look a little more closely at all of these pictures , you can see that it 's pretty impassable . If you look to the left , you can see that the tree still stretches on for just a little way . There are still more trees over there , all spaced very closely together . There is also a lot of debris piled up on that side . Not easy at all . When you look to the right , you 'll see that it 's the direction the tree fell from . There are several fallen trees side by side over there . Some of them are piled on top of the others . Just like the other side , there are still the standing trees that are very close together , and debris everywhere . This is all natural for a forest , especially in late fall and winter . As you can see , there was no escape to either side of me . I had only two optioPosted by As I 've been showing in my recent posts , we 've had our first big snow here in this part of Michigan . The weatherman has been saying that the snow wasn 't quite finished , so I didn 't think I would be able to go hiking . But today when I got off of work the sun was shining , and the snow looked like it was starting to melt away . The weather looked fine to me , and I wanted to get a few pictures before the snow was gone . Around here the first snow usually melts away pretty quickly . I really wanted to go hiking and see the first snowfall of the year . This was the first year I had my camera with me , so I decided to do it . I decided to try Woodland Hills Nature Park , because it 's main purpose is for hiking and viewing nature . There aren 't ever very many people here , because it 's not quite as organized or fancy as some of the other parks , and you feel more like you 're miles from civilization here . That 's why I love it so much . It 's really my favorite park for some of those very reasons . When I got there I saw exactly what I wanted . It looked like winter . It looks more bleak and dreary in these first two photos than it actually was . The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day . It was a great combination of winter and good weather . It would make my first true winter hike a good easy one . So I got out of the truck , and made my way into the entrance to the trails . As I got inside I was happy to see that the snow was still everywhere . As I previously thought , it was a bright sunny day , so the snow had already begun to melt . It was turning into water , and dripping off of every branch . The trails under my feet were wet and muddy . The old leaves were still there , but they were quickly being ground into the mud . I saw so many interesting things on my way to the back , that I can 't show them all here . Maybe I 'll feature some of them in my upcoming posts . There were really some great sights , and the wintery smells were something amazing . In the winter the oxygen level seems to go up , and the air smells so crisp and clean . I always loved Posted by This is my very first attempt to go hiking in the snow . I didn 't get very far , but I got some pictures of it . All of that white mist you see in the air is snow . It was snowing really hard out here ! The wind was blowing very hard , and it was probably a bad time to try this . I know I 'll be doing it again , it was fun ! When I got out to this park , I saw three other cars there . This isn 't a very big nature park . It has a small parking lot , and the nature trails . That 's all . Not many people come here at other times , and this wasn 't a normal time . Anyway , I saw these three cars , and all that snow coming down , and I thought , " Are these people crazy ? Look at all that snow ! " Then again , I was out there , so why shouldn 't they be there too ? I got out of the truck and looked around . The snow was really coming down ! This was just what I was looking for . I was trying to see if I could capture on film exactly what I was seeing . I wanted other people to see a photo of a heavy snow storm . I wasn 't sure if there was a real way to get that . Could I show falling snowflakes with this camera ? I still don 't know . I made my way to the bigger trail . I really didn 't want to go very far today . I just wanted a few pictures . I wasn 't really dressed for this cold weather anyway . I was finding that out the hard way just then . When I started walking up the trail , the snowfall suddenly increased greatly . That 's when I took this second picture . I decided then that maybe I should cut this a little shorter than I intended . Before I left the house there wasn 't very much snow , but now it was snowing really hard and it was getting colder by the second . So after taking a few more pictures I headed back to the truck . It seemed like a much longer walk back than it was getting out there . It was now hard to see in front of me , and the wind was blowing so hard it made my face hurt . I need to dress a little better for this next time . That ought to teach me to be better prepared for winter from now on . I 'll have to buy a cool hiking hat or something . Do they even mPosted by It 's here already ! The first big snow of the year in this area . I was planning on getting more pictures of the geese , but they were gone . So I got a few pictures of their replacement instead . I 'll bet the geese don 't like this too much ! Last night I was wondering where the geese go to sleep . It was raining yesterday , and I figured they must have to go someplace for shelter . But where does it go ? Now it 's snowing , and the geese around here don 't migrate south as much as they used to . What exactly does a goose do in weather like this ? I guess they 'll figure it out . Anyway , this snow is supposed to keep coming for the next few days . As I write this , we 've had about an inch of snow so far , and more is coming tomorrow . Fall seems to have ended pretty quickly around here . Maybe this is only temporary . Maybe we 're in for a long winter . I guess we 'll find out . Now the question for me is , what do I do now ? This will be a big transition for me . I normally go out hiking , and take pictures of nature . Then I come home and write a little bit about it . Will I still be able to do it ? I certainly hope so ! It might be a little harder to find animals , and maybe a few other things to take pictures of . But just like the geese , I guess I 'll figure it out . I 'll be back again tomorrow ! Related PostsGeese , Rain , And Dead BatteriesMemories Of Fallen LeavesFall In The ForestA Breathtaking Scene Whenever I 'm hiking on the nature trails , I always try to get some pictures of birds . Most of the time I 'm left feeling pretty foolish . I 'll spin around in circles making myself dizzy trying to keep up with a bird . I 'm not sure why I try so hard . I 'm not particularly interested in birds . The only explanation is that they 're part of nature , and also a challenge for me . The bigger birds like ducks and geese have been easy . They 're slower , and very sociable . They 'll walk right up and pose for you , if you have food . But the smaller perching type birds have always been a problem for me . I come home with about five blurry pictures every time I go hiking . All because I was chasing birds . This last time I was at Heritage Park I was walking through an area where birds like to gather . I always walk very slowly through there with the hope that I might get lucky . This time the place was swarming with birds . I saw them flying from branch to branch , and tree to tree . I knew this was my best chance so far ! I stopped and watched until I could see something even a little bit clearly . I attempted to get one in flight , but I always have trouble getting the camera ready for that . The trees here were very dense and it was hard to see through the branches . That wouldn 't discourage me though . It never does . Enough of this ! As you can see , I got a few photos that turned out okay . They 're not the best in the world , but for me they 're maybe my best so far . These two pictures aren 't the same bird . There were dozens of these birds gathered in these trees . It made it pretty easy for me . I couldn 't really see them that clearly when I was there . Also , as I said before , I 'm not much of a birdwatcher , so I couldn 't tell what kind of bird they are . So I decided to do a little bit of research , and now I know just what kind of birds they are . These birds are American Robins . I always knew that robins had a red colored breast , and were otherwise dark , but I didn 't know anything else . On the birds in my pictures there are these white rings around the eyes . Posted by For the last two days these geese have been gathering in my backyard , and this is the only picture I have of them . Yesterday I was too busy , and I had to leave for a while . I didn 't get back until after dark . I wanted some pictures of these birds , and I knew they would be around for a few days . Today it was raining , but when I looked out there I saw that the flock had grown to maybe forty geese . Even though I had to leave , I figured I should probably get a few pictures to show how many there were . I was watching them out there , and they seemed to be having a good time . Some were wandering around , some were eating something in the grass , and some were even laying down to rest . They seemed completely oblivious to the downpour ! I watched them there like this for a minute , and then decided to go out there . I went out in the rain trying to decide where the best place to be was . The geese didn 't seem to mind me being there , they never do , so I walked right into the middle of this big flock of geese . I raised my camera to start taking pictures , and then disaster struck ! I got exactly one picture and my camera battery went completely dead . The camera shut itself off . I tried to turn the camera back on , but it did no good . All I got was a message that said to change the batteries . I stupidly looked at the battery compartment , and thought about changing them . I began to search my pockets for more , but then I remembered that they were back in the house . As I realized all of this , it dawned on me that I was going to attempt to change my camera batteries in the middle of the pouring rain . I was in such a hurry that I wasn 't thinking straight at all . So I decided that maybe I should put the camera away for today . I was in a hurry to leave anyway , so I ended up with just this one lone picture of the geese . After I came back home , I looked at my camera sitting there on the table , and remembered my picture . I at least had this one . Now you do too . The only picture from a rainy day of geese and dead batteries . Related PostsRainy DaysFloPosted by Today I thought I would show a picture of some of the pond , from the back of the park . I can 't remember if I ever showed a picture from here yet . Even if I did , it was in the summer , and everything looked completely different to me from here . If I didn 't , I guess I 'll have to correct that one of these times . Anyway , this is the part of the pond that 's on the hiking trail side . I 'm on a section of trail that loops around behind me , and goes further to the back of the park , and into the forest . I 've seen deer and even snakes back there . I have a few pictures of some of them posted on this site . But across the pond from me is something that I love . It 's that old bridge over there . Today from here it looks old and broken down to me . It wasn 't made to look modern and shiny or anything . It was made to blend in with the surrounding nature . It 's actually not that old , but today it looks like it 's been there forever . I guess it is blending in , because the surrounding forest looks old and vast . You can see the brown and gray colors of the fall all over everything . The trees are dropping their leaves at a very quick pace now . The plants directly in front of me are tall and gray . From here the pond looks completely still . This whole scene gives me a feeling of peace and the thought that I 'm completely alone . The bridge and the other side aren 't actually as close as they look in this picture . I zoomed the camera in to give a better look at the bridge . I take these pictures not knowing what I might use here , then I choose the ones I like . Maybe I 'll choose a picture because I like the way it looks . I might choose one because something interesting happened at the time I took it . The pictures I put here go from really good to really bad . Sometimes I 'll put up bad ones because something exceptional happened at that time , and they are the best that I had . They 're part of the story , and it couldn 't be told properly without these bad pictures . The same goes for the good ones sometimes , but I guess I don 't feel the need to explain myself aPosted by I said a few days ago that in the past some of the good things I see out in nature are never put here , because I don 't have a big story to go along with it . Sometimes as the days go by , I move forward to another everyday adventure and certain things get lost in the past . These pictures from the far side of the pond almost became one of those things . I wanted to put these pictures up yesterday , but I try to limit the number of pictures I put up in each post . Even though I hope to do this for a very long time , I have limited space for these pictures . So I 'm trying to make it last for a while . I actually have quite a bit left , but I don 't want to push it . It 's best to plan for the future . Anyway , I found these ducks swimming around at the far side of the pond . I guess I gave a review yesterday , but there were other things to talk about then . When I was on the official trail and looking at the near side of the pond , I was a little disappointed to see no ducks swimming there . It was here at the far side that I found them , of course . Before I got here I had no idea what I would find . I always like seeing ducks or geese anywhere I find them . I 've seen them in several places , and I have some excellent duck photos that have so far been lost to the past . They 're some of my best pictures . I really intended to put them here . But that was right before the visible changes of the fall happened , and I like to keep this blog up with time . Here 's a picture of a male and female duck swimming together . The male is the one with the green head . I really liked this picture , and I wanted to make sure others got to see it . I 've been trying to get some of the things like this on here before it 's too late . I 've actually been out a few more times since then , and something good will unfortunately have to be forgotten . I always feel bad when I have to skip a few things here and there , but actually it might be a good thing . It means that I 'm doing a lot of things , and that 's always been what I really wanted . I feel like this has been filling my timPosted by Yesterday I told you of a new path to the other side of the pond that I found . The pond is separated into two parts by some tall water plants . I 've never been to the other side until now when this new path was revealed . This new path is only visible when the weather gets colder , and the growth of the weeds there is down . I left you as I took my first steps towards the other side , with a promise to show you what I found . Well here is some of it . The trail is on the side of a slope going down to the pond , so I can see why it wasn 't in use , and why it wasn 't maintained . The people that maintain the trails in the park usually try to block this area off , probably for everyone 's safety . Nice level paths are obviously much easier for most people . I don 't let things like that stop me . As I got over to the other side of the pond , I saw that this new section was almost as big as the one that I normally see . It 's always great to see something new . In the top picture you can see exactly what I saw when I got close enough for the whole scene to reveal itself to me . If you look at the middle of the far end , you can see birds swimming around over there . Here 's a closer look at some of the birds . They 're ducks ! These two were actually right beside me when I took the picture you see at the top . I have several pictures of these two ducks like this one . I chose to show you this picture because I like the way the duck on the left lifted it 's leg for a nice scratch . I also kind of liked the log that they 're on . It has a few interesting protrusions . That tallest one reminded me of a cactus . It 's the kind of thing I don 't usually point out for some reason . Little details like this are some of the things that make going out to these places worthwhile . If you take a closer look at it , you can see that something has been whittling at it . Maybe one of these ducks ? I wish I knew . The mystery to what has been shaping this thing is kind of intriguing all by itself . Here is the view from all the way on the other side of the pond from where I startedPosted by I found one of the great benefits of fall today ! There is a pond at the back of the Woodland Hills Nature Park , where I like to go hiking sometimes . I like to go back there and look out at it from every direction I can . Now I found something completely new . If you look toward the top of the picture , you 'll see that there is another section of the pond . Right in front of me is a small path leading right to it . During the summer , and the first part of fall , this path didn 't exist , because there were all of these weeds growing there . In fact , you couldn 't see the other section of the pond very well either . I 've never seen that other end of this pond up close before . It was always inaccessible . There wasn 't a path to it , and I couldn 't find any other way to get over there . And I really didn 't want to try to wade through some head high weeds to get there . So every other time I came here , I stayed on this side of the pond wondering what might be over there . There are clear defined trails in these nature parks that I go to , and I recommend that if you go to a place like this that you keep to the trails . There are things like poison ivy and snakes beside some of these paths . Even though I didn 't think I should go , that new little path in front of me was calling my name , begging me to follow . I think it was maybe a foolish move to go , but I have always wanted to know what was over there . What does it look like over there ? What does it feel like to stand on the other side of the pond , and look back to the place I came from ? I needed to see what the pond was like over there . So I looked around to make sure no official type people were anywhere near , and I took my first step in that direction . After all , I 'm The Everyday Adventurer , and this was a new adventure wasn 't it ? When I got there , I did see something . Tomorrow I 'll be back to show you what it was . Related PostsLooking Down Into WonderlandWhat I found - The Hidden RiverThis Could Be HeavenHeaven For Everyone A lot of times while I 'm out hiking on one of my everyday adventures , I 'll take pictures of just the ground in front of me . When I get back home , I don 't really know what to do with these pictures other than enjoy them myself . I use every picture I take as random desktop wallpaper for my computer . I 'm never sure if anyone else would want these , so I never put them on this site . There 's not always a story I can tell for these pictures , so I 'm the only one who gets to see them . I decided today to show a few that fit that pretty well . These three photos I show here are some I decided to take of the leaves on the path in front of me . At the time I thought they would make good desktop wallpaper , but I never intended to put them here . But then I figured , why not ? So now these are here for everyone to see . Anyone who wants these can go ahead and use them for their own wallpaper . I thought they were a good example of what fall looks like . They are basically pictures of the same area of leaves , with the camera zoomed differently . Everything in nature is unique , and when you leave here , you might never see these again . After I took these pictures , I stepped on this very spot as I moved on my way to something new . Of course this changed the way this spot looked forever . There may have been dozens of people that went through here after me . Animals have come through here and changed the look of this area some more . Even the wind and the rain , and more fallen leaves have changed this site . Time has taken these leaves and began to turn them to dust . Never to be seen again . Gone . These are not only pictures of leaves on the floor of the forest . These pictures have captured a moment in time that will never come again . I wonder if that 's why we value pictures so much . We look at them and have fond memories that we know we can never exactly have again . We can do the exact same thing we did before , but we all know when we try , that it never turns out quite the same . That first time is always the special one . Always unique . And we can neverPosted by I was watching an episode of The Dog Whisperer today , when I noticed something interesting . Cesar Millan , the star of the show , was using very similar techniques to get close to a nervous dog , that I use to get close to wild animals . I wrote a few posts about how to do this , not too long ago . And I 'll leave links to them at the end of this post , as well as a few links for information about The Dog Whisperer . I 've been watching the show , for a little while now , whenever I see that it 's on . I have to say that I 've been very impressed . It 's an amazing show , and he knows a great deal about dogs . I learn something new with every episode that I watch . I don 't usually think highly enough of a TV show to say anything about it here , but there are a few like this one that are exceptional . I usually only talk about things I find out in nature , but a show like this goes hand in hand with everything I try to put across here . I love dogs very much , and I appreciate seeing someone who has that much knowledge about them . Then when I see that person using similar techniques on animals that I do , it validates for me what I 'm doing here . It helps me believe I 'm on the right track , and doing something right . Anyone who 's interested in animals at all should give his show a try , if you haven 't been watching already . It 's been one of my favorite TV shows , and I think it can become one of yours too . I think you can learn some very helpful things if you have a dog . Now go and read my " 10 Tips To Get Close To A Deer " , and then watch a few of his episodes . You 'll see some very similar things there . The Dog WhispererCesar Millan 's Official WebsiteCesar Millan 's Dog Whisperer TVDog Whisperer | National Geographic ChannelRelated Posts10 Tips To Get Close To A DeerHow Close I Got To A Herd Of DeerMy Close Encounter With A Deer Yesterday I decided to go on a quick hike along one of the nature trails after work . It 's something I do rather frequently . It 's one of my main sources of these stories and photos . It 's a good way to forget my troubles from a full day of work . Well , when I got there , I saw a man with two little kids . During the fall there are a lot more people out on these trails , looking at the changing colors . They were standing around looking at different things at the beginning of the trail . I thought nothing of it as I entered the trail and began to get my camera ready . As soon as I started , they decided there was no better time to do the same . I have absolutely nothing against people and their kids , but I didn 't want any company just right then . Especially two yelling , screaming little kids running in front of and behind me , while I was trying to get some pictures of nature scenery . I thought about stopping to let them pass me , but then they slowed way down . I couldn 't win ! So I hurried up ahead hoping they would stay back there . I knew a place they wouldn 't follow , but I had to get there before they saw me , and became curious . Please , any other time but this one . I wanted to be alone . As I hurried down the trail , I saw a flash of movement under the fallen leaves at the edge of the trail . Instinctively I stopped to take a closer look , and maybe get a picture of whatever was moving . I figured it was maybe a rodent of some sort . Boy was I wrong ! It was the garter snake you see in these two pictures . I 've seen snakes before , but I 've never seen this one . I moved closer as stealthily as I could so as not to scare this creature away . It really wasn 't having any of it . It did a good job of hiding . But not good enough . I took the best pictures I could get , but the snake did have a good hiding place . Even so , I liked these two photos of this new garter snake . They show what you 'll normally see when you are trying to get close to an animal when it doesn 't want you there . I was hoping to get better shots , but these maybe show the reality oPosted by I 'm not really a mouse , but I claim to wear a creepy rat suit when I go hiking . Maybe you 'll find out one day . When you see me you don 't have to run . I really only take pictures . I am The Everyday Adventurer and I will take you on a journey through nature trails , local places , shops , bridges , parks , hiking , and other adventures . We 'll get stranded on a deserted island , and find the way back to civilization . Learn what it 's like to get caught in a winter blizzard . See photos of falling snow . A bridge to another world . Hidden rivers , and lakes . A creepy swamp . Wild animals , and strange plants . Who knows ? You could discover your own everyday fun . This is a tour of the unknown and magical . We 'll travel to Wonderland and back . You 'll see the rabbit and the blue caterpillar . You 'll even meet Alice . A trip through lost and hidden places . You 'll see strange oddities that are rare and wondrous . How about a weird arcade of the bizarre ? Or a look through time and history ? It 's all here . The world waits for you ! So look around , and be amazed ! A twisted tale ! A thousand eyes ! Trapped forever ! Epa ! Eeppaah ! |
Well , DH did not go to the hospital , and he tried to avoid going to the clinic this morning , too , saying he 'd be " fine " . But I could hear him wheezing , it sounded like he was having an asthma attack . So I made him go in . So much for avoiding the E . R . , by the time I got him to do something , the clinic was booked for the day , so we HAD to go to the E . R . They did three nebulizer ( breathing ) treatments and they didn 't work . So they started giving him steroids via I . V . and did blood work and X - rays . When I talked to the Dr . , he said that basically everything has been ruled out except H1N1 . They did a swab test but they said they have to send it to the CDC ( ? ) so it could be a couple of days before they get results back . I get the impression that our small town hospital was very prepared for H1N1 but hasn 't seen too many cases yet . DH has been admitted to the hospital because they can 't get his breathing under control . I just called there and they 're trying another nebulizer treatment . I 'm at work because I don 't have much vacation time left ( I used a lot when my mom was sick not too long ago , and she 's not doing all that great now ) and I don 't want to use it all up . DD 's pca has agreed to stay with her , so she won 't be alone and someone will be there to let out the dogs . . . . . I 'm worried about DH . I 've never seen him this sick . But I do know he 's in good hands . . . And a little nervous about myself . I don 't have any symptoms that I know of , but I can 't afford to get sick like that . I just can 't . I was sitting here ( at work ) worrying about DH . So I risked waking him up and called him just to tell him to go in to the E . R . if he has to , a hospital bill is not THAT big of a deal - - and a bill I can 't pay , not all that unusual . . . . he said he would go if he had to . He said he took some Nyquil and was going to try to sleep . I 'm worried that he has H1N1 ( swine flu ) , but he didn 't have a fever . . . . ? I know he must really be sick if he hasn 't been smoking . . . . . that 's scary in itself - - because he is SO addicted ! So I told him that if he makes it through the night , he needed to go to the clinic asap in the morning . He pretended like I was being bossy , but said he would . I 'll keep you posted ( probably not until tomorrow , though , as I 'm leaving work in about an hour ) . Answer : A bipolar hubby who 's got a bad cold . DH is sick . I know he 's miserable . It started on Saturday , and it seems to be getting worse . He 's been coughing up a storm , and all congested . But up until today , that didn 't stop him from putting cigarette smoke into his lungs : PMost of the time it 's tough for me to know how sick he really is . And I can 't tell by the fact that he isn 't doing much around the house , because he ALWAYS doesn 't do much around the house . All I can do is go by his complaints most of the time . But right now I think he is pretty sick . He 's not even smoking any more . I took his temperature yesterday - - he felt warm to me , but the thermometer said " no fever " . " Swine flu " involves a fever , doesn 't it ? So , I just got done talking with him . He sounds terrible . He can 't stop coughing . He says his chest really hurts bad , and I can tell , from talking to him on the phone , that he 's having a hard time breathing . I want to tell him to go to the E . R . It sounds that bad . But instead , I tell him to see if he can make it until morning , and go in right away . See , if he goes to the E . R . tonite , it 's a $ 60 . 00 copay just to walk in the door , plus we have to pay for 20 % of whatever it costs . So if the E . R . visit costs $ 3 , 000 , then we have to come up with $ 60 PLUS $ 600 ( 20 % ) . If he can make it until morning , and go to the clinic , it 'll cost $ 20 . 00 for a copay , and the X - rays and all the tests will be covered . So now I 'm sitting here rethinking what I told him . Is he going to have the common sense to go in if he needs to , or is he going to try to stay home because I told him to ? I think I was clear when I said to go in if he needed to , but see if he could make it until morming . . . . ? And if I call him to clarify ( at midnight ) , am I going to wake him up and make him feel bad again . . . . ? It really sucks to be in that position . And I know we 're not the only ones . We 're very lucky that I have insurance at all . But that doesn 't help when all these copays / coinsurance make it tough to " buck up " and go to the hospital . I really thiPosted by DH 's friend 's wife , that is . . . . . yesterday they removed the ventilator , she passed the " swallow " test , and her feeding tube has been removed . She is out of ICU and in her own room . It looks like she will recover . Thanks to everyone who took the time to say a little prayer for her . . . . I ran into the dad and one of the daughters ( age 9 ) at the grocery store , and they were both so happy , all smiles . . . . . P . S . I just found out ( because DD can 't keep a secret ) that DH has pawned his deer hunting rifle . So I guess no venison for us this year : - ( Yes , I 'm angry . But as much as I want to , I can 't control him . My mom has been relatively stable since she got back to her assisted living apartment . She isn 't the same as she was before this last episode , of course . She does a lot more sitting around , doing absolutely nothing than she used to . I started to notice that she was kind of depressed . " Hey Mom , wanna go to the casino Monday ? " ( that 's her very most favorite thing in the world ) " Oh , all right , if that 's what you want . " " Hey Mom , wanna go shop at the dollar store ? " ( another favorite ) " No , not today , I don 't think " . . . so when we went to the Dr . this past week , I mentioned that . And he prescribed Celexa , an antidepressant . He also discontinued her Vicodin , which they had put her on when she was in the nursing home . At that time she was so incoherent , they wondered if maybe she was having pain that she couldn 't articulate , so they put her on Vicodin . Then , when the Xanax proved to be the drug that helped , I talked to the nurse practitioner about stopping the Vicodin , and she did not want to do it . Me , I thought , " She did not complain of pain before . This drug did not improve her cognitive condition . So what do we need it for ? " The nurse practitioner informed me that she still MIGHT have some pain , so they thought she should stay on it for a " while " . What do I know ? I went along with it . On Friday she finally had her first follow - up appointment with a doctor since she got out of the nursing home ( in our small town the good doctors are booked up for months in advance . . . . ) and the Dr . agreed that there was no real reason to keep Mom on the Vicodin . So he stopped it . Ok ! Now she 's more depressed than ever . She didn 't even want to go to McDonalds today " because you would be embarrassed to be seen with me . I stink . " I talked her into going , and she did perk up . She was talking and laughing with DD and making comments about the weather . . . . but when we got her home , she told me she had to use the bathroom . " Where is the bathroom again ? " Uh - oh . But I had to go to work . So I pointed her in the direction of the bathroom , and she said , Posted by Hi everyone , I hope you know that I don 't usually ask this of you but . . . . here 's what 's been going on . . . DD has a friend who 's very quiet and polite - - we really like her and her younger sister , too . Their family is very dysfunctional . They are on welfare and share a house with other family members . ( They 're the ones I posted about recently , where a relative actually owns the house , but only " lives " there when he and his significant other have been drinking . . . . ) They are really the kind of people you make comments about , but the kids are very nice . And I want to help them , for sure . Anyhow , DH has become friends with the girl 's father . And I like him , too . He seems very nice , although a little slow . And I 'm glad that DH has a friend , since all of his pre - bipolar friends have abandoned him . . . . DH and this new friend of his can sit and talk for hours . And ( friend ) is usually willing to help out with whatever DH is supposed to be doing , and DH has done some favors for him , too . The father has been questioning his relationship with the mother because the mother refuses to help out with the kids , refuses to take her medications , and gets angry when he applies for a job . . . . he 's been trying to figure out what to do , since the welfare people are ordering him to find a job - - who will take care of the kids ? Etc . And maybe he should leave . Drama . But he 's a nice guy . He really seems like a caring person , despite his shortfalls . . . Anyhow , about two weeks ago , this man 's wife had a seizure . It was known that she had some medical issues , so a seizure wasn 't too big of a deal . . . . but when they were on their way to the hospital , she had another one , so they called an ambulance . At the hospital it was discovered that her lungs were filling up with fluid and she had a large blood - filled cyst on an ovary . ( I don 't know what the " official " diagnosis / prognosis is or was , this is just what the guy told DH . ) So they sent her to a more urban , well - equipped hospital . She continued to deteriorate , and was put on a ventilator . They sedated her . DH Posted by I haven 't posted yet about DH 's appointment on Monday , I wanted to kind of digest it before I put it into words . In a nutshell , it didn 't go all that well . Now , in case you weren 't aware of it , and I 'm not sure if I 've written about it here or not , but DH was overweight when I met him and when I married him . Since the bipolar started , he 's gained about 130 pounds . He 's very big . So . . . . this appointment was apparently to discuss his obesity and back problems . The doctor that we saw is retired , but he specialized in gastric bypass surgeries before he retired . He spent about half of the appointment trying to drive DH to have gastric bypass . I 'm not convinced . I 'm afraid that DH , with his addictive personality , would lose weight , but compensate by some other addiction - - drugs , alcohol , gambling . . . . . etc . And for me , the excess weight is the easiest thing to deal with right now . But anyhow , the Dr . really really thought that the only thing that was going to " save " DH was if he had bypass surgery . He talked about how people go on diets and then gain all their weight back . He talked about all the health problems that obesity causes . And about how DH 's back problems were undoubtedly related to his obesity , etc . etc . . . . and that was pretty much the whole sales pitch . Then it took about 5 minutes for him to go through the Social Security questions : " How far can you walk without resting ? " " How long can you sit ? " " What activities has your back pain caused you to give up ? " But . . . . I knew we were sunk , when the Dr . asked DH " What is the most you can lift ? " and DH said " about 50 pounds " . And then explained that he lifts the bags of chicken feed . . . . about once every two weeks . Woops . Then , the Dr . told DH that he probably had sleep apnea . DH said he knows he does , but the CPAP makes him anxious . The doctor wrote that down , too , so that probably makes it look like he 's noncompliant . All in all , basically it was a lecture on the benefits of gastric bypass . I keep telling myself that since DH is going for disability on the grounds of being bPosted by Just kind of browsing the web . . . . learning a lot . . . . Ever since it was first suggested that DH was bipolar , I 've been kind of interested in learning about other famous people who may have been bipolar . It 's interesting to look some of them up and see what they 've gone through . And when you realize how much some of these people have managed to accomplish , it makes me feel that much more hopeful about DH . . . . so here 's my list for today . . . . Adam Ant ( musician ) Ludwig van Beethoven ( composer ) Napoleon Bonaparte ( political leader ) Tim Burton ( artist , director ) Lord Byron ( poet ) Dick Cavett ( television journalist ) Winston Churchill ( politician ) Charles Dickens ( author ) DMX , Dark Man X ( Earl Simmons ) ( musician , actor ) Robert Downey Jr . ( actor ) Richard Dreyfuss ( actor ) Patty Duke ( actress ) Ralph Waldo Emerson ( author ) Emily Epler ( poet , actress ) Carrie Fisher ( Actress , writer ) Larry Flynt ( publisher , activist ) ( probable , not confirmed ) Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald ( Writer ) Connie Francis ( singer ) Stephen Fry ( actor , comedian writer ) Peter Gabriel ( musician ) Alan Garner ( novelist ) Matthew Good ( musician ) Philip Graham ( publisher , businessman ) Macy Gray ( musician , actor ) Graham Greene ( English Novelist ) Ivor Gurney ( English composer , poet ) Alexander Hamilton ( politican ) Linda Hamilton ( actress ) Mariette Hartley ( actress ) Jimi Hendrix ( musician ) Ernest Hemingway ( writer ) Hermann Hesse ( writer ) Abbie Hoffman ( political activist ) Kay Redfield Jamison ( clinical psychologist ) Daniel Johnston ( musician ) Chris Kanyon ( wrestler ) John Keats ( poet ) Rep Patrick J . Kennedy ( politician ) Otto Klemperer ( conductor ) Margot Kidder ( actress ) Patrick Kroupa ( writer , hacker ) Haydn Ledger ( Heath Ledger 's Uncle ) Vivien Leigh ( actress ) Jennifer Lewis ( actress ) Abraham Lincoln ( president ) Tina Malone ( actress ) James Marzilli ( senator ) Kristy McNichol ( actress ) Kate Millett ( author ) Spike Milligan ( comedian , writer ) Ben Moody ( musician ) John A . Mulheren ( businessman , philanthropist ) Edvard Munch ( artist ) Isaac Newton ( scientist , mathematician ) FlorencePosted by A man and his dog were walking along a road . The man was enjoying the scenery , when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead . He remembered dying , and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years . He wondered where the road was leading them . After a while , they came to a high , white stone wall along one side of the road . It looked like fine marble . At the top of a long hill , it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight . When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother - of - pearl , and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold . He and the dog walked toward the gate , and as he got closer , he saw a man at a desk to one side . When he was close enough , he called out , ' Excuse me , where are we ? ' ' This is Heaven , sir , ' the man answered . ' Wow ! Would you happen to have some water ? ' the man asked . ' Of course , sir . Come right in , and I 'll have some ice water brought right up . ' The man gestured , and the gate began to open . ' Can my friend , ' gesturing toward his dog , ' come in , too ? ' the traveler asked . ' I 'm sorry , sir , but we don 't accept pets . ' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog . After another long walk , and at the top of another long hill , he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed . There was no fence . As he approached the gate , he saw a man inside , leaning against a tree and reading a book . ' Excuse me ! ' he called to the man . ' Do you have any water ? ' ' Yeah , sure , there 's a pump over there , come on in . ' ' How about my friend here ? ' the traveler gestured to the dog . ' There should be a bowl by the pump . ' They went through the gate , and sure enough , there was an old - fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it . The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself , then he gave some to the dog . When they were full , he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree . ' What do you call this place ? ' tPosted by That 's how long the nicotine inhaler was " awesome " . Drat . One good thing did come out of it , though , I guess . . . . or maybe two ? He says he 's going to try again ( we 'll see ) And when he broke down and asked me to buy him cigarettes , I told him I was going to buy cheap generic from now on and he heartily agreed . And that is what I have been buying . Saves about $ 1 . 25 a pack ! So I guess it wasn 't a total loss . . . . DH quit smoking Sunday . Here 's what happened . Earlier this past week , he had another appointment with the " stop smoking " guy at the hospital , who was able to prescribe a Nicotrol inhaler for DH . Every day after that DH would tell me he was going to quit the next day , but then he 'd put it off until the NEXT day . . . he was really nervous ! I thought the Nicotrol inhaler might help him because when he quit before , which was a few years before he got sick , one of the things that helped him was to have a cinnamon stick to hold on to and suck on . So I thought combining that with a puff of nicotine would be very helpful . I don 't think DH really comprehended the nicotine in the inhaler , I think he was just thinking it was a plastic thing to suck on or something . But the day came ( Saturday ) when I told him he had to make up his mind to try , for real . That I spent $ 50 to buy the Nicotrol inhaler , and he had better give it a good try anyhow . He asked me to pick him up pop from the store . Knowing it would be hard , I agreed to get him some pop . " And cigarettes ? " he said . I said " NO . " That felt good : - ) So late Sunday afternoon , he finally used his last cigarette . He sat down and put the inhaler together . Read the instructions . Took a little puff . Then one more puff . And you know what his words were ? " This is awesome ! ! ! ! ! " " It feels like I 'm smoking a cigarette ! I can almost taste the smoke ! " " I 'm going to be able to ' smoke ' wherever I want to ! " He was so excited . And so am I . I hope he can stick with it . It 'll save me a bunch of money . P . S . His appointment ( s ) with the disability doctor are early Monday morning . So I 'll get off work and run home , wake him up and hit the road ( The appointment is an hour away from home ) . Not sure what I 'm hoping for , but cross your fingers . . . Someone commented to me that they got about $ 14 , 000 in back pay for their bipolar disability . I have been thinking . . . . . how great that would be ( of course ) . . . . so this little post is my fantasy about what if . . . . . ( fantasy disclaimer : I realize that in order to do each and every one of these things , it would probably cost a lot more than $ 14 , 000 . . . . but hey . . . . it 's my fantasy ! ) 1 ) . Pay all the " little " bills that I can 't pay right now , like the dentist . 2 ) . Buy a new water heater . 2 1 / 2 ( tee hee ) ) Buy a new front door . 3 ) . New roof ( of course , since I had to spend the roof money and DH wouldn 't have gotten it done anyhow . . . . . 4 ) . Help out the credit cards a little5 ) . Pay off that damn truck6 ) . " " damn four - wheeler7 ) . Buy a pair of jeans that nobody has ever worn before8 ) . Buy Janet Evanovich 's latest book before it hits the thrift store . . . . 9 ) . Get our TV back10 ) . Take some elderly dogs to the vet . 11 ) . Take some time off work12 ) . Enroll DD in karate classes again ( we had to quit when DH got sick ) 13 ) . Call 1 - 800 - GOTJUNK to come and get all the crap that DH has piled up in the yard14 ) . Buy a better hutch for the buns . . . . they 're 6 years old now . . . . and although Mrs . Bun has lost weight , she 's still alive and ( literally ) kicking : - ) Ok . I think that 's about all I want . Feels good to think about . This post is the story of my week so far . Kind of long , kind of full of teenage drama , and kind of just a snapshot into how things are sometimes at my house . . . . Friday : DD wants to have a friend over . I 'm working an extra shift , so I know it 's going to annoy me ( having anyone over who doesn 't live there is hard for me ) , but since I know that it 's so important to DD , I say ok . I remind DH and DD about the rule we have about not doing two sleepovers in a row ( meaning that tomorrow night said friend will sleep at her own house . ) ( and meaning that I know eventually I won 't have a houseguest ) . . . Saturday : DD does great with friend . They have a lot of fun . So does DH . He 's having a great time being the " cool dad " and taking the girls for rides on the four - wheeler . DH takes me aside and says " DD wants " friend " to stay overnight again . " I say no . Remember that rule ? It 's there because DD cannot " keep it together " through two sleepovers , and even when she does succeed , she ends up having a meltdown as soon as " friend " goes home . So no . So DH tells me that " friend " 's parents had mentioned that they had some overnight houseguests who were not very nice . They are the " friend " 's uncle and aunt , who are at that house because they actually own the house and just pop in to have a drunken argument whenever they 're in the neighborhood . DH puts me on the spot , because now I feel like I 'll be sending " friend " into the lion 's den , if I continue to say " no " . So , I tentatively reconsider , with DH promising that a ) the girls will go to bed at a reasonable time and b ) they will be put to sleep in separate rooms ( friend will sleep on the couch ) . And DD promising that she can handle it , or else no friends over for the rest of the month . . . . . Ok , we 'll see . So at 6pm DH decides to take the girls fishing on the boat ( the boat is basically a rowboat with a motor - - we could probably sell it for a hundred bucks or maybe even a little more , but I 'm not sure it 'd be worth the trouble . . . ) . Ok , no big deal . I laid down for a nap , because I had to work at Posted by Well , today I started thinking more about the fact that there will not be a biological child in my future , barring some kind of miracle . And I got really sad . I have wanted a biological child for so long , but when we were financially ready , all of a sudden , bipolar hit . I couldn 't imagine bringing another child into the mess , and I really couldn 't stand " That Guy " anyhow , so no child . Now , I 'm 42 . So basically , no child , no matter what . What most people do in this type of situation is adopt . However , I 'm not sure , with DH 's bipolar , whether we would be approved to adopt again now . I suppose someday maybe I 'll look into it , but right now I 'm kind of scared of what I might find out . So ignoramce is bliss . ( ? ) Yes , we have DD . And I do love her . But , as she constantly reminds me , I 'm not her " real mom " . We still allow her to see her " real mom " for about 2 hours a week , because there is s strong bond there . And I know , that if " real mom " and I were both needing help , it wouldn 't be me that she 'd choose to help first . She 's not mine . She 's mine to raise , that 's all . I 'd give anything for a kid who would know me as the " only " mom . Do you think that 's selfish ? When I read it back to myself , it sounds selfish to me . But I guess this is kind of a selfish post anyhow . And if bipolar wouldn 't have shown up , things might have been a lot different . There 'd be more money , more possibilities . . . . I could stay home with DD , which was the original plan . . . . I would have a life , be able to enjoy my home . . . . garden . . . . snuggle with the cats . . . . walk and train the dogs . . . . take them to the vet when they really should go , instead of hoping the problem ( s ) will go away . . . . spend more time with my mom . . . . . spend more time with DH 's family , too . . . . . I haven 't been up to his mom 's house since this all started , because at my part - time job , if I don 't work , I don 't get paid ( no vacation ) and I can 't afford to not have that money . Bipolar has stolen so much . I hate it . DH has an appointment on Sept . 21 with an " orthopedic specialist " who is associated with Social Security Disability . I guess , when they pulled all his records , they not only found all the bipolar stuff , but , of course , all the back pain stuff , too . So now he 's supposed to go and be evaluated for his back , too . I don 't know if this is a good sign , or a bad sign , or just a sign that they 're being thorough . . . . All I know is I / we sure could use that money . . . . . I know in the Spring , things will be better , but that 's still 6 months away ! ! ! ! I guess I 've waited this long , though , huh ? I guess I 'm just rambling tonite . Today I was looking on Craigslist just to pass some time while I waited for my job to work , and after I looked at all the " lost and found " ads , and the " free " ads , I started just browsing the stuff that was for sale . And I came across a little camper that someone was selling for $ 400 . Of course that 's way more money than I could come up with right now , but it wasn 't really much money based on how my / our finances were before DH got sick . . . . So I started thinking . . . . and I imagined the fun DH and I could have just using that camper ( I guess since DD is gone , she isn 't involved in my little fantasy ) . . . . I started thinking about how fun it would be to explore some state park that we 've never been to , and imagining what kind of " adventures " we could have . I used to LOVE " adventures " , where we would get in the car and drive , and where we ended up would be where we 'd have supper - - in an old cafe , at a campground . . . . just someplace fun that we had never gone to before . And before DH got sick , we had some fantastic vacations , too , that were similar - - one time we threw a dart at a map and ended up going on a vacation to Nebraska ( yup , everyone we know said the same thing - - WHY ? ? ? ! ! ! ) but that was the best vacation we ever had . . . . We only spent about $ 800 total ( including gas , lodging ( motel - - $ 29 . 00 / night ! ) and food ) , and we had so much fun ! ! ! ! I 'd sure like to have the means to do that again . . . . And all of a sudden I realized : I haven 't felt like this in a long time . I haven 't imagined trips or " adventures " or camping , or anything like that . I think I must 've forgotten how , when DH got so sick , and I got so busy . . . . it really excited me and made me sad at the same time , that I 'm surprised by my thinking . I love DD very much , but she does add to my stress level , and knowing that she 's safe and having fun AND gone temporarily gives me a peaceful feeling . . . Maybe that time where they were both gone did more for me than I realized ! Maybe in a year or two , I 'll be having " adventures " again . . . . . |
Well , DH did not go to the hospital , and he tried to avoid going to the clinic this morning , too , saying he 'd be " fine " . But I could hear him wheezing , it sounded like he was having an asthma attack . So I made him go in . So much for avoiding the E . R . , by the time I got him to do something , the clinic was booked for the day , so we HAD to go to the E . R . They did three nebulizer ( breathing ) treatments and they didn 't work . So they started giving him steroids via I . V . and did blood work and X - rays . When I talked to the Dr . , he said that basically everything has been ruled out except H1N1 . They did a swab test but they said they have to send it to the CDC ( ? ) so it could be a couple of days before they get results back . I get the impression that our small town hospital was very prepared for H1N1 but hasn 't seen too many cases yet . DH has been admitted to the hospital because they can 't get his breathing under control . I just called there and they 're trying another nebulizer treatment . I 'm at work because I don 't have much vacation time left ( I used a lot when my mom was sick not too long ago , and she 's not doing all that great now ) and I don 't want to use it all up . DD 's pca has agreed to stay with her , so she won 't be alone and someone will be there to let out the dogs . . . . . I 'm worried about DH . I 've never seen him this sick . But I do know he 's in good hands . . . And a little nervous about myself . I don 't have any symptoms that I know of , but I can 't afford to get sick like that . I just can 't . I was sitting here ( at work ) worrying about DH . So I risked waking him up and called him just to tell him to go in to the E . R . if he has to , a hospital bill is not THAT big of a deal - - and a bill I can 't pay , not all that unusual . . . . he said he would go if he had to . He said he took some Nyquil and was going to try to sleep . I 'm worried that he has H1N1 ( swine flu ) , but he didn 't have a fever . . . . ? I know he must really be sick if he hasn 't been smoking . . . . . that 's scary in itself - - because he is SO addicted ! So I told him that if he makes it through the night , he needed to go to the clinic asap in the morning . He pretended like I was being bossy , but said he would . I 'll keep you posted ( probably not until tomorrow , though , as I 'm leaving work in about an hour ) . Answer : A bipolar hubby who 's got a bad cold . DH is sick . I know he 's miserable . It started on Saturday , and it seems to be getting worse . He 's been coughing up a storm , and all congested . But up until today , that didn 't stop him from putting cigarette smoke into his lungs : PMost of the time it 's tough for me to know how sick he really is . And I can 't tell by the fact that he isn 't doing much around the house , because he ALWAYS doesn 't do much around the house . All I can do is go by his complaints most of the time . But right now I think he is pretty sick . He 's not even smoking any more . I took his temperature yesterday - - he felt warm to me , but the thermometer said " no fever " . " Swine flu " involves a fever , doesn 't it ? So , I just got done talking with him . He sounds terrible . He can 't stop coughing . He says his chest really hurts bad , and I can tell , from talking to him on the phone , that he 's having a hard time breathing . I want to tell him to go to the E . R . It sounds that bad . But instead , I tell him to see if he can make it until morning , and go in right away . See , if he goes to the E . R . tonite , it 's a $ 60 . 00 copay just to walk in the door , plus we have to pay for 20 % of whatever it costs . So if the E . R . visit costs $ 3 , 000 , then we have to come up with $ 60 PLUS $ 600 ( 20 % ) . If he can make it until morning , and go to the clinic , it 'll cost $ 20 . 00 for a copay , and the X - rays and all the tests will be covered . So now I 'm sitting here rethinking what I told him . Is he going to have the common sense to go in if he needs to , or is he going to try to stay home because I told him to ? I think I was clear when I said to go in if he needed to , but see if he could make it until morming . . . . ? And if I call him to clarify ( at midnight ) , am I going to wake him up and make him feel bad again . . . . ? It really sucks to be in that position . And I know we 're not the only ones . We 're very lucky that I have insurance at all . But that doesn 't help when all these copays / coinsurance make it tough to " buck up " and go to the hospital . I really thiPosted by DH 's friend 's wife , that is . . . . . yesterday they removed the ventilator , she passed the " swallow " test , and her feeding tube has been removed . She is out of ICU and in her own room . It looks like she will recover . Thanks to everyone who took the time to say a little prayer for her . . . . I ran into the dad and one of the daughters ( age 9 ) at the grocery store , and they were both so happy , all smiles . . . . . P . S . I just found out ( because DD can 't keep a secret ) that DH has pawned his deer hunting rifle . So I guess no venison for us this year : - ( Yes , I 'm angry . But as much as I want to , I can 't control him . My mom has been relatively stable since she got back to her assisted living apartment . She isn 't the same as she was before this last episode , of course . She does a lot more sitting around , doing absolutely nothing than she used to . I started to notice that she was kind of depressed . " Hey Mom , wanna go to the casino Monday ? " ( that 's her very most favorite thing in the world ) " Oh , all right , if that 's what you want . " " Hey Mom , wanna go shop at the dollar store ? " ( another favorite ) " No , not today , I don 't think " . . . so when we went to the Dr . this past week , I mentioned that . And he prescribed Celexa , an antidepressant . He also discontinued her Vicodin , which they had put her on when she was in the nursing home . At that time she was so incoherent , they wondered if maybe she was having pain that she couldn 't articulate , so they put her on Vicodin . Then , when the Xanax proved to be the drug that helped , I talked to the nurse practitioner about stopping the Vicodin , and she did not want to do it . Me , I thought , " She did not complain of pain before . This drug did not improve her cognitive condition . So what do we need it for ? " The nurse practitioner informed me that she still MIGHT have some pain , so they thought she should stay on it for a " while " . What do I know ? I went along with it . On Friday she finally had her first follow - up appointment with a doctor since she got out of the nursing home ( in our small town the good doctors are booked up for months in advance . . . . ) and the Dr . agreed that there was no real reason to keep Mom on the Vicodin . So he stopped it . Ok ! Now she 's more depressed than ever . She didn 't even want to go to McDonalds today " because you would be embarrassed to be seen with me . I stink . " I talked her into going , and she did perk up . She was talking and laughing with DD and making comments about the weather . . . . but when we got her home , she told me she had to use the bathroom . " Where is the bathroom again ? " Uh - oh . But I had to go to work . So I pointed her in the direction of the bathroom , and she said , Posted by Hi everyone , I hope you know that I don 't usually ask this of you but . . . . here 's what 's been going on . . . DD has a friend who 's very quiet and polite - - we really like her and her younger sister , too . Their family is very dysfunctional . They are on welfare and share a house with other family members . ( They 're the ones I posted about recently , where a relative actually owns the house , but only " lives " there when he and his significant other have been drinking . . . . ) They are really the kind of people you make comments about , but the kids are very nice . And I want to help them , for sure . Anyhow , DH has become friends with the girl 's father . And I like him , too . He seems very nice , although a little slow . And I 'm glad that DH has a friend , since all of his pre - bipolar friends have abandoned him . . . . DH and this new friend of his can sit and talk for hours . And ( friend ) is usually willing to help out with whatever DH is supposed to be doing , and DH has done some favors for him , too . The father has been questioning his relationship with the mother because the mother refuses to help out with the kids , refuses to take her medications , and gets angry when he applies for a job . . . . he 's been trying to figure out what to do , since the welfare people are ordering him to find a job - - who will take care of the kids ? Etc . And maybe he should leave . Drama . But he 's a nice guy . He really seems like a caring person , despite his shortfalls . . . Anyhow , about two weeks ago , this man 's wife had a seizure . It was known that she had some medical issues , so a seizure wasn 't too big of a deal . . . . but when they were on their way to the hospital , she had another one , so they called an ambulance . At the hospital it was discovered that her lungs were filling up with fluid and she had a large blood - filled cyst on an ovary . ( I don 't know what the " official " diagnosis / prognosis is or was , this is just what the guy told DH . ) So they sent her to a more urban , well - equipped hospital . She continued to deteriorate , and was put on a ventilator . They sedated her . DH Posted by I haven 't posted yet about DH 's appointment on Monday , I wanted to kind of digest it before I put it into words . In a nutshell , it didn 't go all that well . Now , in case you weren 't aware of it , and I 'm not sure if I 've written about it here or not , but DH was overweight when I met him and when I married him . Since the bipolar started , he 's gained about 130 pounds . He 's very big . So . . . . this appointment was apparently to discuss his obesity and back problems . The doctor that we saw is retired , but he specialized in gastric bypass surgeries before he retired . He spent about half of the appointment trying to drive DH to have gastric bypass . I 'm not convinced . I 'm afraid that DH , with his addictive personality , would lose weight , but compensate by some other addiction - - drugs , alcohol , gambling . . . . . etc . And for me , the excess weight is the easiest thing to deal with right now . But anyhow , the Dr . really really thought that the only thing that was going to " save " DH was if he had bypass surgery . He talked about how people go on diets and then gain all their weight back . He talked about all the health problems that obesity causes . And about how DH 's back problems were undoubtedly related to his obesity , etc . etc . . . . and that was pretty much the whole sales pitch . Then it took about 5 minutes for him to go through the Social Security questions : " How far can you walk without resting ? " " How long can you sit ? " " What activities has your back pain caused you to give up ? " But . . . . I knew we were sunk , when the Dr . asked DH " What is the most you can lift ? " and DH said " about 50 pounds " . And then explained that he lifts the bags of chicken feed . . . . about once every two weeks . Woops . Then , the Dr . told DH that he probably had sleep apnea . DH said he knows he does , but the CPAP makes him anxious . The doctor wrote that down , too , so that probably makes it look like he 's noncompliant . All in all , basically it was a lecture on the benefits of gastric bypass . I keep telling myself that since DH is going for disability on the grounds of being bPosted by Just kind of browsing the web . . . . learning a lot . . . . Ever since it was first suggested that DH was bipolar , I 've been kind of interested in learning about other famous people who may have been bipolar . It 's interesting to look some of them up and see what they 've gone through . And when you realize how much some of these people have managed to accomplish , it makes me feel that much more hopeful about DH . . . . so here 's my list for today . . . . Adam Ant ( musician ) Ludwig van Beethoven ( composer ) Napoleon Bonaparte ( political leader ) Tim Burton ( artist , director ) Lord Byron ( poet ) Dick Cavett ( television journalist ) Winston Churchill ( politician ) Charles Dickens ( author ) DMX , Dark Man X ( Earl Simmons ) ( musician , actor ) Robert Downey Jr . ( actor ) Richard Dreyfuss ( actor ) Patty Duke ( actress ) Ralph Waldo Emerson ( author ) Emily Epler ( poet , actress ) Carrie Fisher ( Actress , writer ) Larry Flynt ( publisher , activist ) ( probable , not confirmed ) Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald ( Writer ) Connie Francis ( singer ) Stephen Fry ( actor , comedian writer ) Peter Gabriel ( musician ) Alan Garner ( novelist ) Matthew Good ( musician ) Philip Graham ( publisher , businessman ) Macy Gray ( musician , actor ) Graham Greene ( English Novelist ) Ivor Gurney ( English composer , poet ) Alexander Hamilton ( politican ) Linda Hamilton ( actress ) Mariette Hartley ( actress ) Jimi Hendrix ( musician ) Ernest Hemingway ( writer ) Hermann Hesse ( writer ) Abbie Hoffman ( political activist ) Kay Redfield Jamison ( clinical psychologist ) Daniel Johnston ( musician ) Chris Kanyon ( wrestler ) John Keats ( poet ) Rep Patrick J . Kennedy ( politician ) Otto Klemperer ( conductor ) Margot Kidder ( actress ) Patrick Kroupa ( writer , hacker ) Haydn Ledger ( Heath Ledger 's Uncle ) Vivien Leigh ( actress ) Jennifer Lewis ( actress ) Abraham Lincoln ( president ) Tina Malone ( actress ) James Marzilli ( senator ) Kristy McNichol ( actress ) Kate Millett ( author ) Spike Milligan ( comedian , writer ) Ben Moody ( musician ) John A . Mulheren ( businessman , philanthropist ) Edvard Munch ( artist ) Isaac Newton ( scientist , mathematician ) FlorencePosted by A man and his dog were walking along a road . The man was enjoying the scenery , when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead . He remembered dying , and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years . He wondered where the road was leading them . After a while , they came to a high , white stone wall along one side of the road . It looked like fine marble . At the top of a long hill , it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight . When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother - of - pearl , and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold . He and the dog walked toward the gate , and as he got closer , he saw a man at a desk to one side . When he was close enough , he called out , ' Excuse me , where are we ? ' ' This is Heaven , sir , ' the man answered . ' Wow ! Would you happen to have some water ? ' the man asked . ' Of course , sir . Come right in , and I 'll have some ice water brought right up . ' The man gestured , and the gate began to open . ' Can my friend , ' gesturing toward his dog , ' come in , too ? ' the traveler asked . ' I 'm sorry , sir , but we don 't accept pets . ' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog . After another long walk , and at the top of another long hill , he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed . There was no fence . As he approached the gate , he saw a man inside , leaning against a tree and reading a book . ' Excuse me ! ' he called to the man . ' Do you have any water ? ' ' Yeah , sure , there 's a pump over there , come on in . ' ' How about my friend here ? ' the traveler gestured to the dog . ' There should be a bowl by the pump . ' They went through the gate , and sure enough , there was an old - fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it . The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself , then he gave some to the dog . When they were full , he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree . ' What do you call this place ? ' tPosted by That 's how long the nicotine inhaler was " awesome " . Drat . One good thing did come out of it , though , I guess . . . . or maybe two ? He says he 's going to try again ( we 'll see ) And when he broke down and asked me to buy him cigarettes , I told him I was going to buy cheap generic from now on and he heartily agreed . And that is what I have been buying . Saves about $ 1 . 25 a pack ! So I guess it wasn 't a total loss . . . . DH quit smoking Sunday . Here 's what happened . Earlier this past week , he had another appointment with the " stop smoking " guy at the hospital , who was able to prescribe a Nicotrol inhaler for DH . Every day after that DH would tell me he was going to quit the next day , but then he 'd put it off until the NEXT day . . . he was really nervous ! I thought the Nicotrol inhaler might help him because when he quit before , which was a few years before he got sick , one of the things that helped him was to have a cinnamon stick to hold on to and suck on . So I thought combining that with a puff of nicotine would be very helpful . I don 't think DH really comprehended the nicotine in the inhaler , I think he was just thinking it was a plastic thing to suck on or something . But the day came ( Saturday ) when I told him he had to make up his mind to try , for real . That I spent $ 50 to buy the Nicotrol inhaler , and he had better give it a good try anyhow . He asked me to pick him up pop from the store . Knowing it would be hard , I agreed to get him some pop . " And cigarettes ? " he said . I said " NO . " That felt good : - ) So late Sunday afternoon , he finally used his last cigarette . He sat down and put the inhaler together . Read the instructions . Took a little puff . Then one more puff . And you know what his words were ? " This is awesome ! ! ! ! ! " " It feels like I 'm smoking a cigarette ! I can almost taste the smoke ! " " I 'm going to be able to ' smoke ' wherever I want to ! " He was so excited . And so am I . I hope he can stick with it . It 'll save me a bunch of money . P . S . His appointment ( s ) with the disability doctor are early Monday morning . So I 'll get off work and run home , wake him up and hit the road ( The appointment is an hour away from home ) . Not sure what I 'm hoping for , but cross your fingers . . . Someone commented to me that they got about $ 14 , 000 in back pay for their bipolar disability . I have been thinking . . . . . how great that would be ( of course ) . . . . so this little post is my fantasy about what if . . . . . ( fantasy disclaimer : I realize that in order to do each and every one of these things , it would probably cost a lot more than $ 14 , 000 . . . . but hey . . . . it 's my fantasy ! ) 1 ) . Pay all the " little " bills that I can 't pay right now , like the dentist . 2 ) . Buy a new water heater . 2 1 / 2 ( tee hee ) ) Buy a new front door . 3 ) . New roof ( of course , since I had to spend the roof money and DH wouldn 't have gotten it done anyhow . . . . . 4 ) . Help out the credit cards a little5 ) . Pay off that damn truck6 ) . " " damn four - wheeler7 ) . Buy a pair of jeans that nobody has ever worn before8 ) . Buy Janet Evanovich 's latest book before it hits the thrift store . . . . 9 ) . Get our TV back10 ) . Take some elderly dogs to the vet . 11 ) . Take some time off work12 ) . Enroll DD in karate classes again ( we had to quit when DH got sick ) 13 ) . Call 1 - 800 - GOTJUNK to come and get all the crap that DH has piled up in the yard14 ) . Buy a better hutch for the buns . . . . they 're 6 years old now . . . . and although Mrs . Bun has lost weight , she 's still alive and ( literally ) kicking : - ) Ok . I think that 's about all I want . Feels good to think about . This post is the story of my week so far . Kind of long , kind of full of teenage drama , and kind of just a snapshot into how things are sometimes at my house . . . . Friday : DD wants to have a friend over . I 'm working an extra shift , so I know it 's going to annoy me ( having anyone over who doesn 't live there is hard for me ) , but since I know that it 's so important to DD , I say ok . I remind DH and DD about the rule we have about not doing two sleepovers in a row ( meaning that tomorrow night said friend will sleep at her own house . ) ( and meaning that I know eventually I won 't have a houseguest ) . . . Saturday : DD does great with friend . They have a lot of fun . So does DH . He 's having a great time being the " cool dad " and taking the girls for rides on the four - wheeler . DH takes me aside and says " DD wants " friend " to stay overnight again . " I say no . Remember that rule ? It 's there because DD cannot " keep it together " through two sleepovers , and even when she does succeed , she ends up having a meltdown as soon as " friend " goes home . So no . So DH tells me that " friend " 's parents had mentioned that they had some overnight houseguests who were not very nice . They are the " friend " 's uncle and aunt , who are at that house because they actually own the house and just pop in to have a drunken argument whenever they 're in the neighborhood . DH puts me on the spot , because now I feel like I 'll be sending " friend " into the lion 's den , if I continue to say " no " . So , I tentatively reconsider , with DH promising that a ) the girls will go to bed at a reasonable time and b ) they will be put to sleep in separate rooms ( friend will sleep on the couch ) . And DD promising that she can handle it , or else no friends over for the rest of the month . . . . . Ok , we 'll see . So at 6pm DH decides to take the girls fishing on the boat ( the boat is basically a rowboat with a motor - - we could probably sell it for a hundred bucks or maybe even a little more , but I 'm not sure it 'd be worth the trouble . . . ) . Ok , no big deal . I laid down for a nap , because I had to work at Posted by Well , today I started thinking more about the fact that there will not be a biological child in my future , barring some kind of miracle . And I got really sad . I have wanted a biological child for so long , but when we were financially ready , all of a sudden , bipolar hit . I couldn 't imagine bringing another child into the mess , and I really couldn 't stand " That Guy " anyhow , so no child . Now , I 'm 42 . So basically , no child , no matter what . What most people do in this type of situation is adopt . However , I 'm not sure , with DH 's bipolar , whether we would be approved to adopt again now . I suppose someday maybe I 'll look into it , but right now I 'm kind of scared of what I might find out . So ignoramce is bliss . ( ? ) Yes , we have DD . And I do love her . But , as she constantly reminds me , I 'm not her " real mom " . We still allow her to see her " real mom " for about 2 hours a week , because there is s strong bond there . And I know , that if " real mom " and I were both needing help , it wouldn 't be me that she 'd choose to help first . She 's not mine . She 's mine to raise , that 's all . I 'd give anything for a kid who would know me as the " only " mom . Do you think that 's selfish ? When I read it back to myself , it sounds selfish to me . But I guess this is kind of a selfish post anyhow . And if bipolar wouldn 't have shown up , things might have been a lot different . There 'd be more money , more possibilities . . . . I could stay home with DD , which was the original plan . . . . I would have a life , be able to enjoy my home . . . . garden . . . . snuggle with the cats . . . . walk and train the dogs . . . . take them to the vet when they really should go , instead of hoping the problem ( s ) will go away . . . . spend more time with my mom . . . . . spend more time with DH 's family , too . . . . . I haven 't been up to his mom 's house since this all started , because at my part - time job , if I don 't work , I don 't get paid ( no vacation ) and I can 't afford to not have that money . Bipolar has stolen so much . I hate it . DH has an appointment on Sept . 21 with an " orthopedic specialist " who is associated with Social Security Disability . I guess , when they pulled all his records , they not only found all the bipolar stuff , but , of course , all the back pain stuff , too . So now he 's supposed to go and be evaluated for his back , too . I don 't know if this is a good sign , or a bad sign , or just a sign that they 're being thorough . . . . All I know is I / we sure could use that money . . . . . I know in the Spring , things will be better , but that 's still 6 months away ! ! ! ! I guess I 've waited this long , though , huh ? I guess I 'm just rambling tonite . Today I was looking on Craigslist just to pass some time while I waited for my job to work , and after I looked at all the " lost and found " ads , and the " free " ads , I started just browsing the stuff that was for sale . And I came across a little camper that someone was selling for $ 400 . Of course that 's way more money than I could come up with right now , but it wasn 't really much money based on how my / our finances were before DH got sick . . . . So I started thinking . . . . and I imagined the fun DH and I could have just using that camper ( I guess since DD is gone , she isn 't involved in my little fantasy ) . . . . I started thinking about how fun it would be to explore some state park that we 've never been to , and imagining what kind of " adventures " we could have . I used to LOVE " adventures " , where we would get in the car and drive , and where we ended up would be where we 'd have supper - - in an old cafe , at a campground . . . . just someplace fun that we had never gone to before . And before DH got sick , we had some fantastic vacations , too , that were similar - - one time we threw a dart at a map and ended up going on a vacation to Nebraska ( yup , everyone we know said the same thing - - WHY ? ? ? ! ! ! ) but that was the best vacation we ever had . . . . We only spent about $ 800 total ( including gas , lodging ( motel - - $ 29 . 00 / night ! ) and food ) , and we had so much fun ! ! ! ! I 'd sure like to have the means to do that again . . . . And all of a sudden I realized : I haven 't felt like this in a long time . I haven 't imagined trips or " adventures " or camping , or anything like that . I think I must 've forgotten how , when DH got so sick , and I got so busy . . . . it really excited me and made me sad at the same time , that I 'm surprised by my thinking . I love DD very much , but she does add to my stress level , and knowing that she 's safe and having fun AND gone temporarily gives me a peaceful feeling . . . Maybe that time where they were both gone did more for me than I realized ! Maybe in a year or two , I 'll be having " adventures " again . . . . . |
This is part of the scene I worked on a lot of last week . It continues past this , but goes into novel spoilers . Leahna is the secondary main character in " Pursuit of Power . " After everything that had happened , Leahna could only think of one thing - seeing her dad . She waited until the morning and then went to the house where she had grown up . There was a sign on the door that announced the house would be sold to the highest bidder on a future date . Leahna stared at the sign for a full minute , trying to process it . Her father was moving out of her childhood home . She tried the door , but it was locked . She knocked , but there was no answer . Though it was a little early for him to be at work , she went to the Academy anyway . There an old friend of the family told her that her father hadn 't been in for months . Leahna asked if the man knew where her father might be , and she was told to try her brother 's house . After thanking the man and leaving , Leahna felt like she was in some strange dream . Her family 's house was being sold , her father wasn 't working at the job he loved , and he was staying with Ronald ? In that moment , the year she had been away felt like ten . It was as if she was returning from being away at war for a long time , finding everything she left behind gone or different . She ' ported directly outside her brother 's house in Jaffna . She had only been there a few times , so she felt awkward as she approached the front door . At least there was no sign on this one . She knocked tentatively , unsure what she could expect to find behind the door . Ronald answered , laughing at something to which Leahna wasn 't privy . As soon as he saw his older sister , his smile froze and his eyes grew wide . Her father appeared behind Ronald . As soon as he saw his eldest daughter in the doorway , he pushed past his son and pulled Leahna into his arms . She didn 't know how to react and simply stood still until he stepped back . " Come on in , Leahna , please , " he said . He backed up , and Ronald did likewise . All three of them moved further into the house . Abner led the way to the living room , where a woman was seated . She stood up when she saw who was with Abner and Ronald . " I 'm well enough , " Leahna said . She was staring at Betany 's stomach , where there was a noticeable protuberance . She looked to her brother for an explanation . " You are going to have a baby ? " Leahna asked , looking between her brother and his wife with some confusion . It was wonderful news ; she didn 't understand why everyone looked unhappy about it . Even her father wouldn 't look her in the eye . " That 's wonderful , Ronald ! " My first Monday Moment now that I am coming back to my writing is the piece that I 'm strongly considering using as the prologue for " Pursuit of Power . " It introduces the reader to the main villain of the story , who as of right now doesn 't enter the story nearly soon enough . That 's one of a long list of things to work on . But for now , hopefully this will be of interest . They think I 'm an animal . Some kind of creature . They come into my home and disrespect me , and they 're offended when I break their necks ? The first thing she really remembered was waking up in the sand , with blood all over her hands and clothes . She barely even noticed the bladed weapons at her side . For a while , she was in fact like an animal , with no real thoughts , only acting on instinct . At first , she killed only to eat . Then , somehow , her dwelling began to draw unwelcome attention . Then she had to kill to protect her home . After a time of being around other humans , for as short of a time as any managed to live , she would hear them speak , and began to remember a past life . One in which she was an assassin , and a highly respected and greatly feared member of a powerful order . She was … She was nothing now . A creature , a thing to be feared by man as death itself . She didn 't know what had happened to her , but she knew that she would never be the same again . She kicked the body to the edge of the tall grass and brushed her crimson hair out of her face with a blood - stained hand . The sun would be up soon , and the only way she survived the day was to remove herself from it . She lay down amongst the tangle of grass and weeds and disappeared from sight . At the same time , deeper out in the desert , three men hurried north , following a man mounted on a horse . The man in the lead , Drune , was leading his men - a Cleric , a Power User , and a Bowman - to the location east of Torreo where the creature was said to live . Their orders were to bring her back , but Drune had a feeling that wouldn 't be possible . He didn 't doubt that the creature was , in fact , his boss 's daughter , but he didn 't think she 'd come willingly . After a few hours of traveling , they could just barely see the lights of Torreo in the distance . Drune held up his hand , and the others stopped . He made a few other gestures , then moved ahead alone , slowly . The Cleric held up his hand and created a Power barrier around himself . When Drune called out a command , the other two men moved forward and stood on either side of him . They were thirty yards away from the nest of grass . Drune sat silently for a moment , listening to the sounds of the desert around him . The approaching morning should have brought a plethora of animal calls , but all were absent . The only sound he heard now was the buzzing of many flies , a noise that clearly came from that large patch of grass . " I 'm quite sure . " Drune looked out at the horizon , where the first rays of dawn were chasing away the night . " Very few of the reported sightings and deaths happened during the day . She 's there . Go . " There were bodies , both fresh and in the early stages of decay . When his eyes rested on the small bones of a young girl , as evidenced by the tatters of clothing , he shivered . What could kill so indiscriminately ? Would the force they brought be enough ? The User removed a dagger from his belt and held it out in front of himself in trepidation . Finally , he waved his hand in the air . A bright light flashed around the immediate vicinity like lightning . Then there , between them , appeared a woman with crimson hair . She was standing , no weapons drawn , but clearly ready to attack the intruders . When she realized she 'd been uncovered , she didn 't make a move ; she only waited . She stood still , only moving her eyes to take in the numbers . These new enemies brought the total who had come to stand against her up to thirteen . Then she looked at the Swordsman , still on his horse , who was moving closer to her . Drune stopped just outside the hedge his men had made . In the growing light , Drune could see her better now , and he could tell something was different . The most obvious was her hair . It used to be black . Her skin was paler , her eyes were darker , and if it was possible , she even seemed taller . As she stared into his eyes , he felt her coldness and endless anger and hatred . She hadn 't exactly been compassionate before , but whatever callousness she possessed then was nothing compared to what he saw in her now . Then she was gone . The User flashed his light again before Drune had to give the command , but it didn 't reveal her this time . Somehow she had moved fast enough to be out of the range of the light in only a second . In another second , the group 's Cleric grunted as his neck was snapped . She was there , behind him , and as his body fell to the sand , she was gone again . " Find her ! " Drune screamed . He felt his stoicism begin to fade . With every second that she remained hidden , her advantage grew . Fear was not something he was used to , as a man in such a powerful position within the Class of Morano . But he felt the fingers of dread creeping into him , and he did not enjoy the feeling . There . The User 's light caught her . She was visible , and four men charged at her with weapons drawn . Drune watched as she drew her own weapons and threw each man aside as they came . She spun , kicked , stabbed , and sidestepped as the rest came at her at once . The User began to form a simulated blade in the air in front of him , but she cloaked herself again , appearing in front of him a heartbeat later . She buried a dagger in his chest . Drune 's team was failing , and fast . But he didn 't move . His job was not to die with his men , and he knew it wouldn 't help anyway . She was like nothing he 'd ever seen before . For as much as she scared him , she also intrigued him . His heart began to race as she took slow steps toward him . He could already feel those blades slicing through his body . He wouldn 't die though ; he could outrun her if he had to . But he didn 't want to leave . I 'm not sure I could tell you when Leahna and I started to become closer . I know you 're looking for accuracy and details for these accounts you 're compiling , but I 'm not sure I can be very specific on this one . I 'd like to say that 's because our friendship just grew so smoothly it 's hard to find the point where we became as close as we were by the time I met you . But the truth is , it 's probably just because I was so wrapped up in my own stuff , I didn 't pay that much attention . In fact , for a while , it was almost as if we were both avoiding becoming friends at all . When we first met , we both kept our relationship professional , almost to an extreme . I was only intent on practicing my Power use , and on not giving her a reason to decide she didn 't want to train with me any more . I was paranoid about that a lot , after some time of running through Clerics . If it hadn 't been for my mom , I 'm not sure we would have ever started to feel more like friends than training partners . I will say that I probably faked familiarity for a while . Not on purpose , really , but I think part of me felt that if I made her feel a sense of loyalty to me , out of friendship , then she would choose to continue training with me , despite being very busy at the time . When you write about this , make sure you include that I felt terrible later for the way I treated her . Pretending to be her friend , all the while lying to her . In fact , when I finally told her the truth , that 's probably when things changed at least a little bit . Well , and because of what happened shortly after that . You know how tragedy can put things into perspective ? We certainly had our share of that . It was probably when she started calling me " Lex . " If you know Leahna at all , and I guess you do , you know that she is very polite , even formal . My mom 's the only one who ever called me " Lex , " but there was a point that I first noticed Leahna was referring to me by that nickname . It was while we were in the desert . I 'm pretty sure she 'd been using it for longer than when I first realized it . It felt natural , not weird like I would have expected it to , out of her mouth . So I guess that 's about it , the answer to your question - sometime between me telling her the truth and our time in the desert . That 's when we became best friends . " That is quite a question , " Leahna said . She turned wide eyes to her younger sister who was laying across her bed . " Why do you ask that ? " Noelle shrugged . " It seems to me that when we start to assume things about God , that 's when we get in trouble . Throughout history , that 's been a pattern , don 't you think ? " " Of course I am . Think about all of the times that people have done something in God 's name , but later they were judged to be evil , ignorant , or crazy . Joan Archer , the Crusaders , the Restoration Society , even the pharisees . " Noelle 's eyes lit up . " I don 't know , but that 's not really the point . If I can 't come up with the alternative , it doesn 't mean it has to be God . Maybe it was a spontaneous mutation . Maybe we 're all using evil powers without realizing it . " " No ! " Leahna jumped to her feet . " You will not defile the good that we do , the healing , the protection . You will not claim that it comes from a place of evil . " Noelle shook her head , rolled her eyes , and sighed . " You sound just like Mom and Dad . I mean , is it really that big of a deal where it comes from ? Like you said , we use it for good . So what if it doesn 't come from God ? " " It doesn 't really matter , does it ? They don 't care what I think about God or the Power . You 're going to be a Cleric , and they don 't really care what I do . " Noelle looked down at the floor . " I was going to . But I don 't know now . I mean … I thought they would want that of me , but I 've realized that it doesn 't matter to them . Just like they don 't care that Ronald decided to become a Swordsman and join a militia . " " Well … not exactly . I know they want me to become a Cleric , but I am okay with it . I enjoy my studies and learning to use my Power to help others . Do you and Ronald believe they 've forced me into it ? " Garend is a minor character in " Pursuit of Power " who needed a little fleshing out . He 'd disappeared halfway through the story , so I came up with a reason why . Today 's Monday Moment is a brief look into his life , events happening before and during " Pursuit of Power . " It was just me and my dad for a lot of my life . I never knew my mom . Dad and I had a really good life in Torreo , as good a life as anyone can have in that territory . We didn 't live in the principle city though . We lived south of the mountains , along the southern shore of Pithea . The beach . There 's a small town called Qulu . It 's so separated from the rest of Pithea , I think some of the folks there forget the rest of the country exists . Maybe the rest of the country forgets Qulu exists too . My dad served as Controller for all of southern Torreo , which wasn 't much more than Qulu . There was a sort of prestige that came with that position and with being the son of someone in that position . It was a nice life . Until the Power death . I was eleven when he was diagnosed . He found it himself - another perk of his job . He was able to get into isolation early , and they say that 's why he lived longer than others usually do . It wasn 't much of a life , though . He had to quit his job , and I went to live with a neighbor . I visited Dad every day , but we couldn 't do more than talk . Some friends of my dad , I think they might have also been Controllers , came around a lot at first . They said they would find a way to help him . Maybe they didn 't know people have been working on that for years . Dad died over a year after the Power death came . I was sent to live with a foster family in Jaffna Territory , near the principle city , after I 'd finished school . Just before I turned thirteen and my common training started . My dad never explained why my mom wasn 't around - if she 'd run off and left us , if she was missing at sea , or in a coma . I never knew . I imagined fun things when I was younger , like that she was a princess in a far - off land and couldn 't leave her people . But when my dad died , I decided I didn 't care . She wasn 't there , and that was all that mattered . Then one of the men showed up again when I was fifteen . When he told me my mom wanted me to come live with her , I said I didn 't care . He could tell her I liked my home , my friends , my life , and who was she to try to make me leave all that ? It took her quite a while after that to come for me herself . She lived far away . When she explained to me where our family came from , who we were , it didn 't take long for me to change my mind . It was time to start a new life . Today 's Monday Moment was written on Sept . 24 of last year . I know I said if I hadn 't written any for the week , I 'd just have to force myself to write something on Sunday or Monday , but I 'm making an exception ( yes , already ) . Between the little break my husband insisted I take from writing , my sister 's wedding prep over the weekend , and doing extra end - of - year work for my job , I feel like it 's not just laziness that left me with nothing to post this week . And in fact , I did write something in the last 7 days that I could use , but it was handwritten , and I don 't have time to type it right now . So for today , enjoy this odd chess game : I muse over my only move so far , but only for a few seconds . " I took my finger off the piece . My move is over , but thanks for trying to help . " I think a little longer about my next move . What will she say if I move this one there ? Or if I move this other one ? Is it too early to take one of her pieces ? I 'm pretty sure she 's safe for now . I move a piece and gesture for her to take her turn . I wonder why she 's acting this way . The game is meant to be won , isn 't it ? If she thinks I 'm playing badly , why doesn 't she just let me continue so that she can win sooner ? I look down and see that she has moved her piece right in the path of one of mine . I could take her piece . I would be foolish not to , right ? I think through the next possible moves , if I were to take her piece . Could she take mine right after ? I don 't see how , so I take her piece . After a while , the game has drawn on longer than I would have expected . It 's not that we 're taking an awful long time on our turns . But somehow , she 's no longer moving her pieces in my path very often . And she 's not taking advantage of most of the times when she could take my pieces . I decide to take a break and stand up to stretch my legs . She 's oblivious to my action , as she is so deeply contemplating her next move . When I step over to sit back down , I notice something odd on the floor . It looks like sawdust . " That should be against the rules , " she says in a huff . " In fact , maybe it is . I think you should really forfeit this game , because you 've broken the rules . " " There is no secret mercenary base in the middle of our desert ! " Seth , the leader of Torreo Territory , insisted . " I told you that the last time we met . " Flynn , the leader of the national government , sighed . " This is getting us nowhere . We can argue the likelihood of this assertion all we want , but without proof , we can 't come to an end to this argument . " " She 's a Cleric , " Rowena said . " And her father is one of the leaders in the Academy . Tell us , Seth , why would she lie ? " " No , " Flynn said . " It will be simple enough to prove . As she is a Cleric , she can Stormwalk back to the location she claims to have seen the base . She can show us what she 's found . " Seth sputtered . " I - I 'm not . But to conduct a search in my territory without so much as informing me … That is not in the spirit of the friendship agreement between our territories . " " We didn 't get close , because we were afraid of detection , " Verica reported . " But there is definitely something out there . Not far from the mountain range that divides the desert and the southern shore . There was a wall . " " A wall , " Seth scoffed . " That 's all ? You can 't be sure what it is then . Maybe it 's just a wall left over from a town that used to be there before the Pithean War . Or even before the Tech War . You don 't know it 's Morano . " At the beginning of this year , I made a new goal for myself to do a little writing practice every day . I already try to do some form of writing work each day , hence my daily check - ins . But most of that is revision , and I want to write a little too . Every Monday , I 'm going to choose one bit of writing practice from the previous week and post it here . If I haven 't done any writing practice all week , I 'll have to make sure I do some on Sunday or Monday to have something to post . So there 's an extra little push there too . I won 't revise any of this , except for a spell - check . They 'll probably rarely be longer than 500 words . The prompt , if I used one and if I choose to include it , will be at the bottom . And I can 't even call them all stories , because there 's not always a beginning and end . Sometimes it 's just writing . Judy tried not to look at her daughter too often during the play , but she couldn 't help herself . She 'd seen the play before and remembered all too well the emotions she 'd experienced throughout . Natalie was old enough to understand what was going on - the overt and subtle themes , consequences to actions , and feelings that went along with it all . As the story ramped up to the climax , tears sprang to Judy 's eyes . She knew what was coming , and she was already reacting to what hadn 't happened yet . Natalie was yet unaffected , but Judy couldn 't wait for that one moment . As the climax unfolded , Judy felt Natalie 's hand grip her arm . She looked over and saw Natalie sitting forward in her seat . She was still staring straight ahead , but had reached out to her mom for some comfort . Judy placed her other hand over her daughter 's and turned her face back to the stage . Her eyes darted between the actors on the stage and Natalie 's face . Her own heart nearly broke when she saw tears reflecting the stage lights . Natalie was barely breathing , she was so caught up . When Natalie shook her head slowly and then closed her eyes , Judy wondered if she 'd done the right thing . Maybe Natalie was too young after all . The girl seemed to realize even before Judy had that it was over . It was too late . The hero 's life done - there was no way around his necessary sacrifice . And it was painful to watch . Though she 'd planned to keep an eye on Natalie 's reaction out of the corner of her eye , that moment that Judy had been waiting for - THE moment , the triumph , the hero saved - had all of her attention . She was swept away like it was her first time . At least until she felt Natalie 's grip tighten even more . Blinking past her own tears , Judy looked at her daughter . Natalie 's cheeks glistened in the dim light , and mother joined her daughter in weeping for the hero . As the final moments of the story played out , Judy knew she 'd made the right choice . She wouldn 't point out later that she 'd been right when she insisted Natalie come with her , even though it wasn 't as exciting as a movie or television show . She wouldn 't explain to Natalie what a deus ex machina was , or the history behind it . She wouldn 't ask her to identify themes and symbolism in the play . She would just ask for Natalie 's thoughts and then ask if she 'd like to go to another play with her mom someday . |
I am very happy to report that God has remembered my son again . Zechariah was very appropriately named . He is my son that shows me God 's protection time and time again . Without God , life would be so different . Thursday of last week started like any other day , but soon changed into a very different kind of day . Zechariah fell off the toilet . Sounds simple enough , and you wouldn 't think this would do much damage . However , it did . Somehow , when he was going to the bathroom and fell , his penis got stuck , and was cut pretty badly . I heard him crying from the other room and came to check on him . I didn 't figure it was anything serious . By the time I got there , his tears had stopped and he told me in a very calm rational voice , " I fell off the toilet , and my penis is bleeding . " It was said so matter of fact that I didn 't believe there was blood . I then did the thing that mothers never should . When I lifted his shirt up and saw how much blood there was , I gasped out loud with a sharp intake of breath . This set him off and he began to scream and scream . No matter how many times I said , " You 'll be okay . " He could only remember the look of horror on my face . He thought he was in serious trouble because of my reaction . In fact , he would not stop crying and I had to leave the room to call the doctor . I honestly had no idea what I was to do for him . I was afraid it needed stitches but I wasn 't sure how to go about this . Do I carry him into the hospital naked ? Do I try to get a covering for him ? I knew it wasn 't especially serious , but I thought it probably needed some attention . By the time I heard back from the doctor , I had calmed him down enough to very delicately apply some antibiotic ointment , and carefully pull up his underwear . With the promise of time on the DSi , the tears stopped flowing . Whenever the pain subsides so quickly , it always makes me question whether it really needs immediate action . I debated for two hours as to bring him in or not . He seemed perfectly fine and was running and playing again . This kid is always so tough ! When he broke his arm , I almost didn 't bring him to the doctor . He adapts so well . We all need a little bit of Zech 's stamina in our lives . No matter what has happened to him , we 've always questioned the seriousness of it because he keeps a positive outlook . Even as young as 7 months old , when he had a very serious blood infection , I couldn 't get the doctors to pay attention to him . Whenever they saw him , he was happy and smiling ; symptoms they didn 't believe a very sick baby would show . He is an example to us all ! No matter what happens , don 't let it take your joy away ! The doctor had told me he needed to be seen in ExpressCare . After an hour wait , we finally had some evaluation . The doctor took a look at it , and said , " It appears much more serious than we originally thought , and you need to bring him over to the ER for stitches and proper pain medication . " They were going to set him up right . As we were heading over to the hospital , I have to admit I was a little frustrated . This entire day was not part of my plan . I had a really fun day at the lake figured out . We were going to use plaster of Paris to make all kinds of fun sandy keepsakes . I was irritated that this accident had interrupted my day . It seems like all my plans have been altered in some way this summer . How selfish I was ! When the day was over , I was so thankful for God 's protection for Zechariah . God holds us so tenderly in the palm of His hand . Fortunately , my mom was with us , as we were supposed to be going to the lake , so she volunteered to take Ariel and Gabe to the library which is next door to the hospital . Zech and I were in for a very long wait . Even though they had called ahead , we still had another 3 hours ahead of us to go . Through it all , Zechariah was as happy as could be . He treated the entire trip like an adventure . He doesn 't visit the hospital very often , so he was happy to explore the areas we visited . When we finally had our moment with the doctor , he took one look at it and said , it definitely needed stitches and the only way he would do that is if we sedated Zech . He explained that the pain would be over - the - top and he could not put him through it without Zechariah being unconscious . I thought this seemed a little extreme given the fact that he was still running around and playing like he didn 't have a care in the world . The alternative to stitches was simply leaving it alone to heal on its own , and applying some antibiotic ointment to it . He would also have to be really careful to not reopen the wound . This would mean no baths , showers , or even getting wet . Too much water can lengthen the healing process . Because of the area of the cut , it wasn 't very susceptible to infection . The doctor also mentioned without stitching it , there was more chance of a scar , but this was still his recommended course of treatment . I opted for the alternative . Zech had already been through a painful experience and I didn 't want to put him through it again . We had our antibiotic ointment in hand , and we were on our way home . I don 't know how this fact has escaped us until this moment ; Zech is allergic to Neosporin . He broke out in hives all over his body , and his face started to swell . God still held him in the palm of His hand . Zechariah never complained once about his pain after the initial hurt . He is such a tough kid . He 's been through a lot in his life , and he has always dealt with it full of courage and bravery . He is such an inspiration to me . We spent the weekend in Wichita with my husband 's grandparents . The highlight of the trip for our kids is always to visit Riverside park with the computerized fountains . Zech was such a commendable little boy . We didn 't want him getting more than his feet wet in the fountains , and he didn 't complain a bit when we told him he had enough of the water . He sat on the bench waiting patiently for his brother and sister . He knew it was for his own good that he was taken from the fun and he went right along with it . I think we can all learn a lesson from Zechariah . " Be cheerful no matter what ; pray all the time ; thank God no matter what happens . This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live . " 1 Thessalonians 5 : 16 - 18 . When Zech couldn 't play in the fountain , he found he could play on the toys at the park . Lately I 've been noticing that Zechariah says a lot of words incorrectly and I 've been trying to teach the correct pronunciation . I don 't know if he 's having trouble hearing it , or if he just got so used to saying the words in a babyish way that he doesn 't realize it 's incorrect . One that we have a constant struggle with is " computer " . He calls it the " pooter " . This is very difficult for him . I normally take it very slowly , and make him repeat every syllable . " It 's com - pU - ter . " With help , I can get him to say " com - pooter . " He still has difficulty with the U in computer . This morning I was awoken by a very early riser . Zechariah has been getting up with his father , and he was ready to play . " Mommy , can I play on the com - laptop ? " It 's been a hard day . I planned to take my boys swimming after a relaxing picnic lunch with their dad at work . Ariel was out of town visiting my sister in Colorado . As lunch concluded rather quickly , we decided to take a walk in the area of my husband 's work . For thirty minutes we traveled about , crunching the dry grass beneath our feet . The boys enjoyed climbing through tunnels which followed under the streets above . We saw an old building which housed a church . It was a hot afternoon , but it was fun just the same . Somehow in the past thirty minutes , where we covered roughly a mile of ground , in a very haphazard direction , the keys had fallen to the ground . There was no good way to retrace our steps . My husband works on the outskirts of town where there are big open fields . It seemed to be an impossible task to find the keys . Me , trying to be a woman of faith , stopped right at the beginning and said , " Let 's pray ! I know God will show us where the keys lay . " This was serious business for my boys . We had just picked up the key to the swimming pool and it was on the lost key ring . Gabriel said a prayer that some person would find them and bring them to us in the same way that his shin guards were walked over to him in the past . I thought this was a great example again of childlike faith , however , I didn 't hold out for it happening . The longer we looked for the keys , the more desperate my prayers became . It 's 104 ° degrees outside today . The temperatures are not very forgiving for a woman who has lost her keys and needs to find them . My boys were dying in the heat , not literally of course , but you can imagine the complaints that came out of their mouths . After two hours of looking , I was defeated . I knew I had to give up . This went against everything in me . How was God going to answer my prayer if I just gave up ? I was still certain the keys would be found . It was a large area of land we covered , but we were systematic about our search . The keys had to be found . God promised me . " You can ask for anything in my name , and I will do it , so that the Son can bring glory to the Father . Yes , ask me for anything in my name , and I will do it ! " John 14 : 12 - 14 I figured this wasn 't a prayer that would hurt anyone if He answered . Surely , He cares about my keys , right ? I hated to admit my failure . I felt like I had let God down . I wanted to have a great story to share . I lost my keys , but now they are found . The odds were against me , but God came through . Wouldn 't that be awesome ? Something worthy of praise ? Unfortunately , we get disappointed when our plans are not always God 's plans . But really , what a relief ! My brain is too small to hold such a big God , and I should be okay with that . As we were making the trip back home , sunburned , tired , overheated , and crying about all that we were missing out on ; God spoke . He didn 't speak in a loud voice . He spoke through the Adventures in Odyssey we were listening to . The story had started on our way to the picnic , and on the drive home we listened to the conclusion . Of course , we can look at her prayer and see the silliness , and see why God wouldn 't answer her . But how often do we do the very same thing . We pray expecting God to answer just like a vending machine . " A vending machine for prayers . You decide on your prayer , you push a button , and the answer comes out on the bottom . There 's a button for just about everything . Money when you don 't need it . Good grades on a test you didn 't study for . The latest fashions . The newest toys . Popularity . What else should I add ? " " Is it ? " Mr . Whittaker says , " I 'll finish the machine . But it won 't work . I 'm doing it to make a point . We often think of God like a giant vending machine that will give us what we want if we just push the right buttons or if we put in enough coins . Or maybe if we kick it and shake it hard enough and long enough . God isn 't like that . " First we have to decide , what is prayer ? It 's talking with God . It 's a conversation . We don 't have conversations with vending machines . He wants to hear what you 're thinking and feeling . " " There 's a very simple reason for that . Because He loves us . Every time we ask for something , you should believe that He gives your prayer His loving attention and response . That response doesn 't always mean He 'll say yes . Sometimes He responds by saying , ' No . ' while sometimes He says , ' Wait . ' It may not always be the answer we want , but He will answer . And He 'll answer at a time that 's right for us . " I knew I was guilty of a vending machine prayer . I put the coin in the slot , pushed the button , and waited . No , I didn 't stand in one place waiting , but I was still expecting God to answer me just because I asked . I didn 't see how or why He would want to say no . I thought I just needed to be diligent enough to keep on looking . There comes a time when we must stop and wait . I don 't believe God was asking me to keep my kids out in the hot sun any longer . It was time to go home and wait . Waiting can be so difficult , especially if you are a person of action . You won 't catch me being lazy . I put my heart into whatever the job is that needs to be done . It was so hard for me to walk away from the fields and admit defeat . I was the one who got me into the mess . My husband offered to carry the keys for me , and I was too stubborn . I told him , " I 've done this before . I 'm fine . " Because the fault rested on my shoulders , I felt like I was the one who needed to fix it . Maybe I would give credit to God , or maybe I just needed to know I could do it ? What a mess we make sometimes ! Right now , I am content to wait . All things on the key ring are replaceable , and we might very well replace them . But for a little while , I 'm going to wait . I know that I am commanded at this moment to step away from the situation . God has my back . And I 'm certain He has a reason for not showing me the keys at this exact moment . The world is so complicated , and we have a God who understands everything about it . Maybe God did it for my protection ? Maybe while we were looking for the keys , He was keeping me and my children from being in a situation that we weren 't meant to be in ? Maybe He was protecting my husband from harm ? Maybe something will happen when we go to buy our new set of keys ? Maybe there 's a person we 're supposed to meet or talk with ? Or maybe He just wanted us to learn a lesson in disappointment and how to deal with it ? There are a million different reasons for why things happen that we are never even aware of . God has got our back . The important part is our trusting in Him . It 's that conversation we 're supposed to be having , not the putting our coin in the slot to get what we want . We have to stop kicking the machine expecting to get our treat . God really does want to know our thoughts and feelings . He cares so much ! Last night when I was studying my Bible , I came upon this verse . I knew it was a word for me . I stopped right then and there and committed it to memory . All day long it has been running through my head . It 's given me comfort , and patience to make it through the day . Life sometimes can get me down . People let me down , but I have to choose where I 'm going to place my trust . It 's not always that people intentionally hurt you ; it just happens . We all get busy with our own lives . We forget to remember others . It hurts to be forgotten and left behind , but it doesn 't change who we are . God called me worthy . " We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding . Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord , and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit . All the while , you will grow as you learn to know God better and better . We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need . May you be filled with joy , always thanking the Father . He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people , who live in the light . For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son , who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins . " To some people , friends are more important than any blood relation you could have . To others , family means the most . If you 're wise , neither should get before your relationship with God . Not always easy though , right ? We often desire someone we can see to meet our needs . We know God is there , however , it can feel like He 's very far away at times . There are times when you need a friend to be there physically for you . To watch your kids . To help out with a project . To watch a movie . To just spend time with you . . . being there . I 've recently been a little discouraged by the actions and choices of those around me . Earlier this week God shed a little light on the subject for me . I found it extremely helpful , and wanted to share it with you . Maybe you 've had those same feelings of disappointment and hurt . The feeling of being let down , or taken advantage of . The feeling that people don 't " get " you , or they just don 't care . It hurts . In the words of my 4 year old , " That really hurt my heart . " A couple weeks ago , I paid a visit to the Goodwill store . My favorite ! I always find the greatest things there for a fraction of what they are worth . Some people might eat when they 're upset ; I look for secondhand things . It 's my weakness . This trip however , was planned for fun with my kids . I have passed on my love of " treasure hunting " to my children . We were having a use what you buy day . I love these days . Each of us gets 2 or 3 dollars to spend on whatever we want . Then we spend the rest of the day playing . We buy books , toys , movies , games . It 's so much fun ! On this particular day , I found the entire BBC ( British Broadcasting Corporation ) version of all of Jane Austen 's books . An entire set ! 6 movies in all ! Talk about a prize ! Some of these movies are very old ; made as early as 1971 . Many of these movies were televised series lasting as long as 5 hours . We 're talking hours of entertainment . Goodwill sells their DVDs for $ 3 apiece . However , I made a friend that day , and he sold them to me for $ 2 each . God is always good ! Back to my point that I 'm trying to make . The first movie I made it through was Northanger Abby . Do you realize God can speak to us through movies ? If you listen , you can hear His voice everywhere . To give you some background , the picture above is of a young lady , Isabella , who is engaged to be married . She has just found out her fiancé doesn 't have as much money as she would have liked , and it appears that she 's on the lookout for a new man . We can only assume this is her motive . A militia man comes over and asks her to dance . One might think being an engaged woman , she would refuse the offer . As you can see from the picture , she seems more than willing to oblige him . Maybe even too willing . . . Across the room , there is a judgment made between another couple . The woman , Catherine Morland , is the sister of the poor fiancé . And the man , Henry Tilney , is the brother of the militia man who asked the woman to dance . This line made such a big impression on me . In the movie , Miss Morland , very naively believes the friend could not dance with the man for any reason but one with the purest intentions . It 's what she would have done in the situation . However , the truth of the situation was , Isabella broke off her engagement to find a more suitable husband for herself , one with more wealth . We always see things with our own eyes , through our own point of view . It 's so hard to step outside of that . I am constantly reminded of this fact , and I love to hear it said in a variety of ways . I need the refresher . So many times we feel slighted by a friend because we know our own intentions . We are only seeing the situation from our own motives . We know what would cause us to act a certain way , so we put that onto others . Everyone has been raised so uniquely different . None of us are the same . Even those of us from the same family are different and have been brought up with separate feelings . Something that seems huge in our minds maybe be small in others . I 'll give an example for what I mean . To me , commitment is one of the biggest priorities in my life . I was taught growing up that a yes meant yes , and a no meant no . If you said yes , no matter how much sacrifice and dedication it took , you would follow through . For me to not follow through on something that I say would mean the absolute worst has come about . Nothing would keep me from it , unless I was feeling extremely malicious . You would not believe how many commitments I have kept even in the midst of anger . My word can be bondage , an obsession to say the least . So on the flip side of that , if someone breaks a commitment to me , I feel as if death is upon me . I see if from my point of view . How could that person stab me in the back ? It doesn 't mean the same thing to everyone . To some it 's just a word . It 's like a maybe or a probably . There is room for negotiation . We all understand and interpret our world differently . We cannot possibly assume that we all will react in the same way to everything . So the next time that you feel slighted or treated badly , stop and think about it from all possible perspectives . For the most part , your friends and family are all doing their very best to love you . Their idea of love may be different than yours . We all have different weaknesses and temptations . While it might feel like it 's done very intentionally and purposefully , that may not be the case for the person . We have to stop feeling from our own perspective . " There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears . " Philippians 1 : 6 " Don 't judge by his appearance or height , for I have rejected him . The Lord doesn 't see things the way you see them . People judge by outward appearance , but the Lord looks at the heart . " 1 Samuel 16 : 7 We had an afternoon full of laughter ; it was wonderful ! I took my children , along with my mother , to Barnes and Noble for a scavenger hunt . Our favorite thing was visiting the joke books . In fact , we enjoyed it so much , we purchased joke books for Titus and my dad . We figured they needed a good laugh . Have you ever heard or read a good story full of spoonerisms ? Sometimes my speech is full of them and it 's not even intended . It 's always done on accident ! Spoonerisms are not always done on accident . Sometimes the play on words can make a very stunny fory . Everyone is familiar with the story of Cinderella , but maybe not everyone is familiar with the story of Rindercella . . . Once apon a time , in a coreign fountry , there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella . Now , Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad blisters . Also in this same coreign fountry , there was a very prandsome hince . So , finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn 't go , so she just cat down and shried . And she was kitten there shrien , when all at once there appeared before her , her gairy mudfather . And he touched her with his wagic mand . . . and there appeared before her , a cig boach and hix white sorses to take her to the bancy fall . But he said , " Now , Rindercella , you be sure and be home before nidmight , or I 'll purn you into a tumpkin ! " When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall , this prandsome hince met her at the door because he had been watchin ' all this time behind a wooden hindow . And Rindercella and the prandsome hince nanced all dight . And they lell in fove . And all at once , the mid clock struck night . And Rindercella staced down the rairs , and just as she beached the rottom , she slopped her dripper ! So , the next day this prandsome hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper . Finally he came to Rindercella 's house . Well , he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on her two sigly usters and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit . It was exactly the sight rize ! Yesterday He gave me an illustration about sin . So many times we think about sin as big , bad , and ugly . But often it 's feels good , and seems like the right thing at the time . It 's not always even about that exact moment . It can be a symptom of a bigger issue , and we are deceived into believing it 's about right now . We may have people in our lives telling us we 're up to no good , but we don 't believe them . We are the ones right there feeling it , and dealing with it ; we want to do , what we want to do . Yesterday we had an appointment with the dentist . Zechariah had his first cavity filled . The dentist went in and fixed the problem . But when he was fixing it ; he had to numb Zechariah 's mouth so he wouldn 't feel any pain . God does the same thing for us . He sees an area where we 've made some wrong choices , or bad things have happened to us , and He wants to reach in and help us out . He must first get to the root of the problem . This can be very painful , but He uses His powerful anesthesia while He works on us . After the dentist was done , Zech came out into the waiting room with me . They told me to watch him closely because they noticed he kept biting down on his lip . This was going to result in much pain later . I constantly would get on Zech for the biting ; telling him how painful it would be in a couple of hours . He didn 't care ! He kept saying , " I like it . It feels good . " and sometimes it was , " I need to get that gum off of there . " He simply couldn 't understand the numbness his mouth was experiencing . He interpreted the only way he knew how . It was a piece of gum stuck to his mouth , and it must be removed . This went on for a few hours . They gave me extra cotton to put in his mouth , hoping it would keep him from biting down on his lip . It didn 't work . He continually chewed the cotton like it was a piece of gum . It may have protected the lip a little bit , but it was still getting chewed every now and then . The result was , hours later , he was left with a big fat lip . The picture doesn 't even do justice to the pain he inflicted on himself . The inside is completely chewed up and swollen . He 's having a hard time eating because his mouth won 't open all the way . I asked him over and over again to stop biting . I saw the blood dripping out of his mouth and understood the pain that would eventually come . Zechariah didn 't understand and he persisted in hurting himself . No matter how many reasons I gave for not biting his lip , all he cared about was that it felt good right now . He couldn 't see the long term pain it would cause him . I 'm sure you can already guess where I 'm going with this . We have this issue in our lives , something so big we can 't even fathom all the aspects of it . The wrong choices we make in our lives , the sin , is often a symptom of a larger issue . The sin is what we are doing to mask our pain . A lot of times , rather than deal with the original problem , we get a whole new set of problems . And sin can feel oh so good at the time . People around us can see the path we 're taking is going to lead where we don 't want to go , but we are blinded by the immediate symptom that is staring us in the face . We want our quick fix to make us feel better . We don 't realize the numbness is going to wear off and we 're going to be stuck with a great big fat lip ! We need to be sensitive to those around us . We could be walking around with a potentially large fat lip . What if , instead of biting down during our numbness , we figured out what was really going on inside of us ? I 'll use myself as an example . I 've told you before , my weakness is my mouth . I use my words to hurt people , a lot of time , my own children . I have a short tempter , and I yell at them without much thought . The thing is , most of the time , my short temper has nothing to do with my children . It 's a symptom . Sometimes what 's really going on is my feelings got hurt by someone else and I 'm taking it out on them . Or maybe I 'm worried about something that 's coming up in the future and it feels better to yell . Or maybe I 'm feeling guilty about something and I haven 't confessed it to God . When I yell at someone , because of some hidden pain inside of me , it 's wrong . I need to deal with my numb feeling before me and my kids both end up with a fat lip . Our sin can cause others pain too . It 's like the domino effect . I hurt them , so they hurt someone , who then goes on to hurt another person . We must be the domino that quits working . We need to work on ourselves before we inflict pain on another individual . We must stop giving ourselves a fat , swollen lip . And if you see others around you who are biting down during their numbness , gently remind them of the pain to come . We must ask God to give clarity to our lives . He is the only true anesthesia . " Could it be any clearer ? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ , a decisive end to that sin - miserable life - no longer at sin 's every beck and call ! What we believe is this : If we get included in Christ 's sin - conquering death , we also get included in his life - saving resurrection . We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death - as - the - end . Never again will death have the last word . When Jesus died , he took sin down with him , but alive he brings God down to us . From now on , think of it this way : Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you ; God speaks your mother tongue , and you hang on every word . You are dead to sin and alive to God . That 's what Jesus did . " Romans 6 : 6 - 11 It 's been one of those days . Ever have them ? Where everything seems to go wrong , and you 're just in a bad mood ? No matter how hard you try to do the right thing , stuff just doesn 't work out . Say hello to my Monday . I let the kids sleep in , which meant 11am for Gabe . 11am ! We 're talking most of the day is gone already . On the schedule for our summer fun we had planned to go to the Discovery Center , ( our hands on children 's museum full of fun and crafts ) . We finally make it there by 12pm , thinking we picked a great time . Everyone is gone to lunch . It won 't be busy at all . In fact , it was almost too quiet there . The parking lot was practically empty . Grr . . . It 's Monday . Museums are always closed on Mondays . I didn 't want to let it spoil our fun , so we all opted for our yearly trip to the museum trails for an alphabet hunt . The trails are open 7 days a week . Everything was going to be great ! We were looking on the bright side . The weather was beautiful , a little overcast , and nice cool temperatures . As we headed in the history museum 's direction , I realized we left our bug spray at home . Normally , it lives in the glove compartment of my car for purposes such as these . However , we needed it over the weekend and it didn 't get put away . I was starting to get a little cranky , but still thought it would be fine . We would swing by a gas station ; pick up some bug spray , maybe some bottles of water . Since it was lunch time I gave the kids the option of bringing McDonald 's for a picnic now , or wait until after the hunt and we would get Hawaiian ice . They wanted lunch now . Fine with me . I went to pay for my bug spray to find out it cost $ 10 ! Are you kidding me ? $ 10 for bug spray ! Grr . . . That did it ! I could feel my temperature rising . I just wanted it to be an easy going Monday . Nothing that would require a lot of work on my part . And today was supposed to be our free day of the week ! As we headed to McDonald 's I asked the kids if they need to go to the bathroom . Since it 's Monday , we wouldn 't be allowed inside the museum to use their restroom . I really didn 't want to hear a yes . I wanted easy . I was thinking drive - through . One yes . Not the end of the world , but I was feeling like we were headed in that direction . I took a deep breath and asked God for help . Nothing major had happened , but I was losing my patience very quickly . I wanted the trip to be over already . Gabriel , my young man after God 's own heart , reminded me to think about the good things . God was going to take care of us , and we were still going to have fun . This trip already had been fun for him . I barked at him . " God doesn 't always make everything good . Sometimes stuff just happens . " What an encourager I was , looking at the bright side of things . We quickly grabbed our McDonald 's and were on our way . I noticed the clouds were looking a little dark , and asked God if He would please wait until we were done hunting . Zechariah answered me , " God said , yes ! " The afternoon turned out perfectly . God spoke to me through the mouths of my children . Sometimes adults need encouragement themselves instead of always being the encourager . It was beautiful to see how my kids responded to me . They certainly didn 't let me feel sorry for myself . They changed my perspective . We had an amazing afternoon together ! During lunch we listened to our camp worship songs on my cell phone . One of them has fun actions , and we all got out of our seats and danced together . There is something so freeing about dance . We let loose out in the fields together and worshiped God . After lunch Grandma joined us for our walk through the trails . Every year we like to take a couple hours and go on an ABC hunt . We find things in nature and take pictures . Each year we try to find something different than the year before . This is getting harder and harder as more years pass . Remember how Zech told me God said , yes . Well , it wasn 't entirely yes . We had one point when we were on the trail where it rained . Luckily , we were in a tree filled area with a bench . The raindrops barely touched us , and the moment was rather peaceful . We took a break from our hunt and sat and listened to the soothing sound of raindrops falling on the leaves around . The moment was beautiful ; aside from listening to my oldest son complaining about his dire need for water . He set out a cup to catch the drops but was rather disappointed when it didn 't amount to anything . The day turned out perfectly ! And as if that wasn 't enough already , God had a bigger blessing in store for me . When we got back home , I checked my email as I often do when returning . One of my favorite websites is Tip Junkie . I love all the crafts and information that is on there . On the 4th of July , they announced they would be giving away a Silhouette Cameo plus the Studio Edition Bundle worth $ 350 . I 've always wanted one of these machines , however , there was no way with those high prices I would ever justify buying one . I almost didn 't enter because I figured it would be pointless . But something ( God ) told me , it never hurts to try . We should never stop hoping for things ! When you stop hoping and believing for the best you are in for real trouble . God is so much bigger than any hopes we could ever have . Always believe ! I 'm sure you can imagine what I 'm about to say . I won the random drawing ! I was one person out of 1 , 966 ! ! Those are some incredible odds there , but God still did it . The favor of the Lord is so amazing to me ! I was sitting here discussing how big my cup was with my oldest son . His cup is about the size of a coffee mug . Mine is probably pretty comparative to his , however , God has probably filled that cup enough to fill my entire house , all 1300 square feet . I am overwhelmed by the blessings He gives . I never feel like I deserve it ; yet He loves me enough to give beyond my simple imagination . My family has been eating this for years ! I remember my mom making it when I was younger . It 's easy to make , and tastes great ! I am all about simple . We made this for our friends last week , and got lots of compliments . Okay , the compliments were all from the same person , but who 's keeping track ? I figured it was reason enough for me to share it with all of you ! Toast the almonds and sesame seeds in oven for 5 minutes . Let cool . ( We have burned ours a couple times , and they still taste good . ) Toss ingredients together ; add chicken . The Dressing : As we were driving away from Wheatstate Camp , I texted my husband to let him know I was finally on my way home . One week can feel like a really long time when you 're apart from your family . In truth , when I was gone the only time I remembered my husband and son that were left behind was during my one hour of free time . You are kept so busy . This is a good thing ! My first moments with Zechariah didn 't go exactly as I had planned . He seemed mad at me and would hardly say anything except a quick , " I missed you . " I get that from him every time I leave so I was hoping for something a little more heartfelt . When it was getting close to bedtime , I finally got the response I needed . He was snuggled up to me in my bed . I told him he had until his dad came in the room , and then he would need to run to his own bed . You have to understand that Zechariah lives to play the game Trouble . I play this with him every single day , sometimes 2 or 3 games of it . He will even choose to play by himself . All you have to do is pick the color , and he will move all the pieces and roll the die for you . He 's obsessed ! I guess when I was gone , he tried to play the game once with Grandma , and he was less than honest in the moving of his pieces . She told him he couldn 't do it , and he was mad ! So mad , in fact , that he threw a chair over . Needless to say , he didn 't finish that game with her . " Oh , you mean at church . " About a month ago we used our class as a punishment for Zechariah . We thought he would be so bored by sitting with us in " big church " that he would be more than willing to obey so he could attend his own class . It didn 't work . He liked the extra attention of sitting between mom and dad . After something life changing like camp , you often are left with a hole when you come home . You feel different , but your life is the same . Something needs to change . When I was sitting in one of the closing rallies at camp , the speaker began to talk about when she returned to her church , and the work she does with the children . She loves kids . The more she talked ; I started to feel a jealousy creep in . I wanted that . All my life I wanted to grow up and be a mom . Now that I am one , it 's still my heart 's biggest desire . I love children . All children . My own . My friend 's kids . The kids at my children 's school . There is something so rewarding in spending time with children . You can be anyone with them . It doesn 't matter if you 're big or little , tall or short , skinny or fat , white or black . . . appearance has no weight with them . As long as you listen , be their friend , and show love to them , they will accept you just as you are . During that closing rally , God started stirring something up in me . I didn 't want camp to be the end with these kids . I wanted more time . On Sunday , I went to church . God continued to speak to me ; however , I was still feeling a little selfish . Working with kids is a big commitment . I didn 't think I was going to be ready to make it . There 's already so much I feel like I 'm doing . How could God possibly ask me to commit to one more thing . The sermon had three points to it . First , we must love those in front of us . This literally means anywhere you see a need . The second thing is we must be willing to serve those we don 't have to . Service begins where obligation ends . And the last point , the one that really hit home with me , give what you have . There are two kinds of people , givers and takers . Almost all of us believe we are the givers , when in fact , we take . Hearing a statement that had the word " worthless " in it really caught my attention . I had just struggled with that days earlier . God showed me my worth , and here I was fighting back saying , " I have nothing to give . " I was beginning to feel pretty selfish . God was asking me to give some of my time , and I was holding on to , hoarding it , as if it was mine to do with as I wished . I promised God I would listen to Him , and try to do what He said . Then moments later , I was taking it back ? ? Because it seemed like work ? So , I ran to our children 's pastor and begged him to let me help out . Right ? WRONG . I 'm pretty stubborn sometimes . I just didn 't want to make a commitment right now . I wanted to pray about it . " We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us . So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters . " 1 John 3 : 16 Giving is a sign of what God has done in us . Our money , time & talents are all ways to give . Ouch ! I was getting hit hard . Giving is a sign of what God has done in us ? I had an awesome week where I came home feeling changed , like I was a new person . I didn 't want my life to go back to the same exact way . I wanted to continue making a difference . I have always felt called to work with elementary aged kids . I believe God hand - picked me for kid 's camp this year , because this year it was time to start again . I 've been feeling a pull in that direction for the past two years . Something happened , and I got discouraged . I let the enemy take away what I felt called to do . The sad part was I didn 't even realize it . It had been sitting on the back burner for so long it had grown cold . I was convinced I was doing exactly what God wanted , yet I always felt like something was missing still . I believe God 's timing is perfect . He never pushes us . I totally stink at that . I 'm not a patient person , and when I see someone struggling I want it fixed right here , right now . So what if you got barriers , I 'm here to break them down . Aren 't you glad I have no power , and that I 'm not God ? His timing is always perfect . He gets all the pieces and He starts putting them together one by one . I jump to the end too often . I start gluing them down thinking I have a 100 piece puzzle , when God has the masterpiece over 5000 pieces . It wasn 't until the end of our discussion on Sunday evening that I was finally convinced . I knew exactly what I needed to do for this moment in my life . I 've already talked with our children 's pastor . Steps have been taken ; I have officially made the move to continue the work I began last week . I am so excited ! The most comfortable place you could ever sit is right in the middle of God 's will . Have you ever been on the outside of His will ? If you 've ever been there , I 'm sure you know what I 'm talking about . You can feel the difference . Life isn 't the same there ; it 's full of discomfort , confusion , and heartache . I 'll leave you with the final two questions I had to answer on Sunday night . What are barriers you have that can keep you from giving ? And how will you let the ideas of serving , love , and giving change the way you live tomorrow and next week ? " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " - Elevation Worship I learned something about myself this last week at kid 's camp . My flesh fails me , and that is okay . Seems rather simple , huh ? This was a huge lesson I learned ! This post is going to be a bit more personal than the last two I shared with you . God got really serious with me , and I was at a point that I could hear Him , and listen . If you remember , I told you everything we do at camp is worth points . That includes good behavior , showing up to things on time , the games we play , Bible reading and memory verses . It 's all worth something . For me at kid 's camp , the competition was a little bit difficult . I didn 't try to stress the points too much with my girls . I 'm not saying we didn 't try our best out there ; we gave it our all ! I tried to keep the focus off of winning , and placed it more on why we were there . The idea behind all the games was to have fun , not to find out who is the most athletic out of us . The idea behind the scriptures wasn 't to see who was most spiritual , but to get God 's word into our lives . I felt that we were succeeding by God 's standards . If you remember , I said this was a first time for me as a coach . I was a little overwhelmed by the end of the week just trying to keep track of all 13 of my girls . I was tired . It wasn 't until our last free time of the last night , when I remembered that I hadn 't turned our points in yet . I never had time to do it each day , and I planned to write it down all at once . When I headed over to the office , I was met with an empty wall . The chart was gone ! Someone was in the office , so I explained to them that I was a new coach , and I needed to turn in my points . Was it too late ? She sent me to another lady who was in charge . I went through the explanation again ; could I please turn in the points for my girls ? Her annoyed response was this , " The deadline has already passed . You should have been paying more attention . " Then she grabbed my piece of paper with all my information and said in a very stern voice , " This is totally worthless . Would you like me to throw it away for you ? Or would you like to do it yourself ? " Oh my goodness ! I felt like I was two inches tall . I messed up so big . I thought I was the biggest failure walking around that camp . My girls were all counting on me , and I dropped the ball . Why didn 't I pay attention more ? Why didn 't I turn my points in everyday ? As the questions and thoughts kept coming to me , an entire week of emotions flooded me . I sobbed as I ran back to my cabin . Luckily , I 'm the only one with a key , and the girls were at their free time where I 'm technically not needed . I was trying to build relationships with them so I always followed them around all week during free time . This time , I took the time for myself and did what any normal girl would do when her feelings were hurt . I called my mom . I was crushed . I felt like the woman had just called me and my girls worthless . It 's amazing how the devil can twist things around . At the time , all that kept running in my head was , " you 're totally worthless . Worthless . WORTHLESS . " In actuality , it was the paper she was referring to , but my delicate feelings couldn 't make out the difference right then . It took me the entire night to push through this . I was back with my girls , and none of them seemed the wiser . I had a good cry , and I was able to stay in the shadows for the few minutes we were together so they couldn 't see that something was bothering me . Only one of my girls was able to see my pain , and I simply told her I got my feelings hurt . Something she understood perfectly ; I had already consoled her a couple times that week . My mom had suggested I talk with the coach 's pastor , Rick , but I never would see him walking around . The only time I had contact with him was during our morning meetings , and we were leaving camp the next day . I didn 't think there was much of a chance of me running into him . About 10 minutes before lights out , we heard a knock on our door . When I opened it , who do you think it was ? There Rick stood , with a paper in hand , trying to get ready for our exit the next day . I pulled him aside , and explained what had happened . He was so encouraging to me ! He told me over and over again , thank you , for all the work I was doing . He assured me I was making a difference in these girls . I also got the reason behind the statement . He wasn 't excusing her rudeness , but he wanted me to know what she was implying . If you remember , we are competing in super teams , not individual cabins . ( I didn 't know this at the time . ) There was a super team that had basically blown all other teams out of the water they had so many points . She had already tallied things up and there was no way one cabin was going to change things . Knowing this helped a little bit . But I still felt the sting of her words . I had all my girls tucked into bed , and I headed off for a shower . I 've said it before , the shower is my sanctuary . I have my most vulnerable conversations with God there . I cried out to Him that night . I sobbed , and asked Him why ? I needed a God encounter , and I wasn 't going to bed unless I got it . I asked God over and over again , " Am I worthless ? Because tonight I sure do feel like it . " It was in my brokenness that God showed up . I couldn 't put two and two together by myself , but God spelled it out . He showed me that , yes , that paper was worthless . It doesn 't matter how I stack up to someone else , or how my girl 's cabin stacks up to another one . What matters is our heart , and where it 's at . I gave 200 % at camp , and He blessed me for it . When I cried out about my worth , God simply dropped my name before me . The previous week , I was at my book study with friends , and we were discussing what our names mean . My name is Amanda which means " worthy of being loved " . I was simply speechless . The tears ran , and my heart mended back together again . Only God can do that ! He can take what the enemy uses to destroy us , and He can turn it into something beautiful . I am so thankful that my God is bigger than any enemy out there . My God can heal a broken heart . Who else can claim that ? My flesh may fail , but , MY God , You NEVER will . I 've been saving this until the very end . This is the icing on the cake ! I was still feeling pretty bad for the girls I had let down , but God showed me that I never let them down . So what ! We didn 't get our points . We did get out of the week what we were supposed to . We developed our relationship with God and each other more . That was the goal and purpose behind camp , remember ? When I was in my sanctuary , I asked God for one thing . Could He please prove to me in some tangible way that I was doing the right thing ? That I didn 't fail this week ? It 's all good to hear from Him , and feel Him in a personal way , but I wanted proof . Have you ever done that to God ? Just asked Him to prove Himself to you ? On Thursday , all coaches have to nominate a boy or girl from their cabin who they feel best exhibited the fruits of the spirit . I didn 't miss out on this deadline ! In my cabin we had two girls who did a phenomenal job . One of the two girls was chosen last year for this award , so we felt like we should choose the other one , which happened to be my daughter , Ariel . Later in the day , all the nominees were interviewed individually by Rick and Tony ( our worship leader ) . This ends up being around 20 kids chosen out of 400 ! They narrow that down , and chose first a runner - up who is given a half scholarship to attend camp the next summer . Then they chose the 1st place girl and boy who are both given a full scholarship to camp . When it came time to announce the fruit of the spirit winners , I was so nervous . In fact , I was so nervous I didn 't even want to videotape . I knew my daughter had done well in my eyes , and I was proud of her . She was doing a great job of following in Jesus ' footsteps . I 'm kicking myself now for not getting a video . My daughter won the first place fruit of the spirit award ! ! It was then that God whispered in my ear again . You are worthy of my love . You did what I asked this week , and you made a difference in these girls lives . No competition could prove that to you . I don 't lie , and I will never fail you . I cried like a baby ! " Yeah . And I 'm a little confused because she is so mean . They must not have seen her throw that mud water at me ! " Spoken like a true brother . . . " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " Thank you , God for mending my broken heart . Give me faith to trust everything that you say . Show me how to ignore all the words that have no meaning in my life . Thank you for calling me worthy . I love you . " And where would I be without You . . . I 'd be packing my bags when I need to stay . I 'd be chasin ' every breeze that blows my way . I 'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away . It 's true . That 's me without you . " - TobyMac We had some awesome songs at kid 's camp this year ! I 've been walking around my house for the past couple of days singing to myself , and doing the motions . Why don 't adults put motions to their songs more ? It 's so fun ! I spent a week with 13 of the most amazing girls . Every moment was a gift from God . Sure there were times I was exhausted , stressed , tired , frustrated , but the good far outweighed the bad . I have never felt so useful in all my life . I felt like I was making a difference sharing God 's love with these girls ; to me the highest calling that Jesus gives . For an entire week , I listened to these girls opening up their hearts to me . I heard their pain ; I even saw it in their eyes a few times . I was able to literally put my arms around them and show them that someone is there with them . They are not alone . God loves them . For a couple girls , my heart is still breaking for what they have been through . They are in my prayers . Every night I would lie awake in my bed , waiting for sleep to come . It usually took me a couple hours to drift off . Once my adrenalin is running , and believe me , it ran at camp , it 's hard for me to calm down and sleep . I knew when I got back I would be extremely tired . Each night I rested for about 4 or 5 hours . For the couple hours it took me to relax , I would go around the room and pray for each girl in their bunk . God would bring all different things to mind that had happened throughout the day , and I would spend time interceding for these girls . Since I have been home , there are a few I still feel burdened to pray for . On Monday we arrived at the camp full of excitement and confusion . This was a first time for me as a cabin coach . I had been going as a camper for over 10 years ; however , it 's been 13 years since I 've been there . I had a learning experience this year ; I hope to go back next year as a seasoned pro ! I never experienced camp through the eyes of a coach until this past week . What a difference ! I 'm tempted to believe I actually got more out of it then they did . I got this out of the coach 's handbook which I read from cover to cover . I wanted to be prepared in all ways before I took part . " The first purpose for Kids ' Camp is to provide a safe and fun environment for kids while they have an opportunity to be exposed to truth and observe first hand , adults and other kids who have a Passion for the Truth in their lives . The second purpose is to give kids the opportunity to respond to the truth by experiencing Christ through salvation , the baptism of the Holy Spirit , both physical and spiritual healing and the manifestation of spiritual gifts and knowledge in their lives . The final purpose is to give kids a place to develop new relationships with other kids and adults who will have the potential to become lifelong friends / support . " What a big responsibility , huh ? These girls were looking to us cabin coaches as the example of what it means to follow God . This happens in so many more places than just camp . It 's a lifestyle . There are always little pairs of eyes watching your life . Make sure what they 're watching is advantageous ! Now kid 's camp is not all about spiritual things . We spend a large part of our day playing games , swimming , eating junk food , and wandering around the campus hanging out . The days are PACKED full of activity . There is actually very little downtime . I had one hour to myself each day while the kids were in the tabernacle watching the camp videos of the day and playing silly games . During free time the girls can choose to play on the inflatables , visit the rock wall , play in the tubes and slides ( similar to McDonald 's play land ) , miniature golf , play carpet ball or octoball , or watch a movie in air conditioning . My girls were always on the inflatables racing each other through the obstacle course . ( In truth , I think that 's where the cute " staff " boys hung out , and they wanted a glimpse . ) During our one hour of swim time , the girls could do the zipline , jump on the blob , or go down the water slide . I think the lines were always shortest on the zipline . To give you some facts about this campground , for us to walk to the swim beach , it 's a half mile away . So for my girls to go swimming , we had to walk literally a mile . By the end of the day , I think we were all walking between 10 and 15 miles a day . Not only did I have 13 girls to take care of , I had an alien , named Mia , I was responsible for . Being a mother , you would not believe how many times I would end up holding something and I had no idea where it came from . I was the dump spot that they knew they could count on . There were a few times at the end of the night I would have a girl approach me and ask for something out of my pocket . I would always be able to pull it out , yet many times I had no memory of how it got there . A true mother , I am . WATER ! Worth more to everyone than any gemstones you could possibly find . The week we were there , the temperature was over 100 ° every day . It even got as high as 108 ° one day . We had to be extra careful , and I was constantly pushing the girls to drink water , and get wet . There were several water spigots throughout the camp and a few sprinklers just to help keep us all hydrated . Every day we would compete in two different sporting events . Each cabin is part of a larger super team with 4 or 5 other cabins . All the super teams would play against each other individually as cabins . Points are awarded for almost everything you do at camp . The winning super team at the end of the week earns a medal for every girl or boy . The favorite game of all the girls was noodle lacrosse . I was even fortunate enough to be able to participate . For the most part coaches are just there to cheer the girls on ; they usually stay out of the games . This time we all got involved ! The point of the game was to fold your pool noodle in half , holding onto the ball in the center . You had to run to your goal box , and while standing on the outer edge , try to get the ball in the goal . The fun part , whoever has the ball in their possession , the other team gets to beat on them with their noodles . This was SO MUCH FUN ! If it wasn 't almost 110 ° outside , I would have enjoyed it even more . My lungs were burning ! Spending a week at camp was one of the most rewarding things I 've ever done , but also one of the hardest . You are with these girls 23 hours out of the day . You get one hour off , to call home , shower , or just nap . It 's all about sacrifice . We 're talking getting up in the morning , no matter if you feel like it or not , because you have 13 girls who are depending on you . Nothing is done because you " feel " like it , or because you " want " to . It 's all about doing what needs to be done . You listen to arguing and complaining , but you must stay positive . No matter how much you want to whine with the girls , you have to keep their outlook upbeat . Nothing would have gotten done if we all just sat down and had a pity party because of how we felt . We were training these girls for the future . There are always days when you have responsibilities that you don 't want to do . We want to be women who rise up to the challenge , not women who fall down and break when trouble comes our way . Every morning we would spend a couple hours in church . Some of my girls loved this ; some of my girls disliked it . It was all about perspective . I could see the love some of the girls had for God and it spilled over into their worship , prayer time , and life . They were excited about all things ! The ones , who had a tendency toward complaining , seemed to get bored easily during the service . They had adopted a negative attitude and it showed . Austin and Suzie did a phenomenal job of keeping the kids attention ! They were the comic relief of the service . The theme was Expedition Possible . Our speakers took a trip into the mountains while we looked on . On Wednesday , we talked about the Israelite 's and God 's protection with the cloud and fire . God is constantly watching over us and will protect us from the enemy , the devil . During our evening response time , we made bracelets . The first bead on the bracelet is yellow , which represents us . Then there is God , the white and red beads , representing the cloud for day and the fire by night . Last there is our enemy the black bead . As long as you have God in the middle of things , the enemy can 't get to you . I thought this was a really neat object lesson the kids could understand . Finally , on Thursday we discussed God providing for us . Every day we would have cabin devotions together , and on Thursday I led the discussion . The girls got so excited talking about all the miracles God does for us . I listened to example after example of God coming through for these girls . It was so exciting for me to see their enthusiasm . It 's RED ! He was all the kids favorite . Red had a huge crush on Suzie , and Suzie seemed to be just as fond of him . I thought it was so great to see and hear the kid 's reaction to ventriloquism . It was never explained on stage , and most of my girls had no idea how it worked . One girl asked me , " How do we hear him talk when he doesn 't have a microphone ? " When I told her , Ms . Gail did the talking for him ; she corrected me and said that Ms . Gail 's mouth never moves . At the beginning of the week , we were all strangers , by the end we were a family . I love those girls . My heart will be theirs forever . God , please bless each and every one of them today . Send someone to give them a big hug from me . Thank you for the opportunity I had of getting to know each girl . I am so glad I was obedient to you . You work all things out for good ! |
I am very happy to report that God has remembered my son again . Zechariah was very appropriately named . He is my son that shows me God 's protection time and time again . Without God , life would be so different . Thursday of last week started like any other day , but soon changed into a very different kind of day . Zechariah fell off the toilet . Sounds simple enough , and you wouldn 't think this would do much damage . However , it did . Somehow , when he was going to the bathroom and fell , his penis got stuck , and was cut pretty badly . I heard him crying from the other room and came to check on him . I didn 't figure it was anything serious . By the time I got there , his tears had stopped and he told me in a very calm rational voice , " I fell off the toilet , and my penis is bleeding . " It was said so matter of fact that I didn 't believe there was blood . I then did the thing that mothers never should . When I lifted his shirt up and saw how much blood there was , I gasped out loud with a sharp intake of breath . This set him off and he began to scream and scream . No matter how many times I said , " You 'll be okay . " He could only remember the look of horror on my face . He thought he was in serious trouble because of my reaction . In fact , he would not stop crying and I had to leave the room to call the doctor . I honestly had no idea what I was to do for him . I was afraid it needed stitches but I wasn 't sure how to go about this . Do I carry him into the hospital naked ? Do I try to get a covering for him ? I knew it wasn 't especially serious , but I thought it probably needed some attention . By the time I heard back from the doctor , I had calmed him down enough to very delicately apply some antibiotic ointment , and carefully pull up his underwear . With the promise of time on the DSi , the tears stopped flowing . Whenever the pain subsides so quickly , it always makes me question whether it really needs immediate action . I debated for two hours as to bring him in or not . He seemed perfectly fine and was running and playing again . This kid is always so tough ! When he broke his arm , I almost didn 't bring him to the doctor . He adapts so well . We all need a little bit of Zech 's stamina in our lives . No matter what has happened to him , we 've always questioned the seriousness of it because he keeps a positive outlook . Even as young as 7 months old , when he had a very serious blood infection , I couldn 't get the doctors to pay attention to him . Whenever they saw him , he was happy and smiling ; symptoms they didn 't believe a very sick baby would show . He is an example to us all ! No matter what happens , don 't let it take your joy away ! The doctor had told me he needed to be seen in ExpressCare . After an hour wait , we finally had some evaluation . The doctor took a look at it , and said , " It appears much more serious than we originally thought , and you need to bring him over to the ER for stitches and proper pain medication . " They were going to set him up right . As we were heading over to the hospital , I have to admit I was a little frustrated . This entire day was not part of my plan . I had a really fun day at the lake figured out . We were going to use plaster of Paris to make all kinds of fun sandy keepsakes . I was irritated that this accident had interrupted my day . It seems like all my plans have been altered in some way this summer . How selfish I was ! When the day was over , I was so thankful for God 's protection for Zechariah . God holds us so tenderly in the palm of His hand . Fortunately , my mom was with us , as we were supposed to be going to the lake , so she volunteered to take Ariel and Gabe to the library which is next door to the hospital . Zech and I were in for a very long wait . Even though they had called ahead , we still had another 3 hours ahead of us to go . Through it all , Zechariah was as happy as could be . He treated the entire trip like an adventure . He doesn 't visit the hospital very often , so he was happy to explore the areas we visited . When we finally had our moment with the doctor , he took one look at it and said , it definitely needed stitches and the only way he would do that is if we sedated Zech . He explained that the pain would be over - the - top and he could not put him through it without Zechariah being unconscious . I thought this seemed a little extreme given the fact that he was still running around and playing like he didn 't have a care in the world . The alternative to stitches was simply leaving it alone to heal on its own , and applying some antibiotic ointment to it . He would also have to be really careful to not reopen the wound . This would mean no baths , showers , or even getting wet . Too much water can lengthen the healing process . Because of the area of the cut , it wasn 't very susceptible to infection . The doctor also mentioned without stitching it , there was more chance of a scar , but this was still his recommended course of treatment . I opted for the alternative . Zech had already been through a painful experience and I didn 't want to put him through it again . We had our antibiotic ointment in hand , and we were on our way home . I don 't know how this fact has escaped us until this moment ; Zech is allergic to Neosporin . He broke out in hives all over his body , and his face started to swell . God still held him in the palm of His hand . Zechariah never complained once about his pain after the initial hurt . He is such a tough kid . He 's been through a lot in his life , and he has always dealt with it full of courage and bravery . He is such an inspiration to me . We spent the weekend in Wichita with my husband 's grandparents . The highlight of the trip for our kids is always to visit Riverside park with the computerized fountains . Zech was such a commendable little boy . We didn 't want him getting more than his feet wet in the fountains , and he didn 't complain a bit when we told him he had enough of the water . He sat on the bench waiting patiently for his brother and sister . He knew it was for his own good that he was taken from the fun and he went right along with it . I think we can all learn a lesson from Zechariah . " Be cheerful no matter what ; pray all the time ; thank God no matter what happens . This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live . " 1 Thessalonians 5 : 16 - 18 . When Zech couldn 't play in the fountain , he found he could play on the toys at the park . Lately I 've been noticing that Zechariah says a lot of words incorrectly and I 've been trying to teach the correct pronunciation . I don 't know if he 's having trouble hearing it , or if he just got so used to saying the words in a babyish way that he doesn 't realize it 's incorrect . One that we have a constant struggle with is " computer " . He calls it the " pooter " . This is very difficult for him . I normally take it very slowly , and make him repeat every syllable . " It 's com - pU - ter . " With help , I can get him to say " com - pooter . " He still has difficulty with the U in computer . This morning I was awoken by a very early riser . Zechariah has been getting up with his father , and he was ready to play . " Mommy , can I play on the com - laptop ? " It 's been a hard day . I planned to take my boys swimming after a relaxing picnic lunch with their dad at work . Ariel was out of town visiting my sister in Colorado . As lunch concluded rather quickly , we decided to take a walk in the area of my husband 's work . For thirty minutes we traveled about , crunching the dry grass beneath our feet . The boys enjoyed climbing through tunnels which followed under the streets above . We saw an old building which housed a church . It was a hot afternoon , but it was fun just the same . Somehow in the past thirty minutes , where we covered roughly a mile of ground , in a very haphazard direction , the keys had fallen to the ground . There was no good way to retrace our steps . My husband works on the outskirts of town where there are big open fields . It seemed to be an impossible task to find the keys . Me , trying to be a woman of faith , stopped right at the beginning and said , " Let 's pray ! I know God will show us where the keys lay . " This was serious business for my boys . We had just picked up the key to the swimming pool and it was on the lost key ring . Gabriel said a prayer that some person would find them and bring them to us in the same way that his shin guards were walked over to him in the past . I thought this was a great example again of childlike faith , however , I didn 't hold out for it happening . The longer we looked for the keys , the more desperate my prayers became . It 's 104 ° degrees outside today . The temperatures are not very forgiving for a woman who has lost her keys and needs to find them . My boys were dying in the heat , not literally of course , but you can imagine the complaints that came out of their mouths . After two hours of looking , I was defeated . I knew I had to give up . This went against everything in me . How was God going to answer my prayer if I just gave up ? I was still certain the keys would be found . It was a large area of land we covered , but we were systematic about our search . The keys had to be found . God promised me . " You can ask for anything in my name , and I will do it , so that the Son can bring glory to the Father . Yes , ask me for anything in my name , and I will do it ! " John 14 : 12 - 14 I figured this wasn 't a prayer that would hurt anyone if He answered . Surely , He cares about my keys , right ? I hated to admit my failure . I felt like I had let God down . I wanted to have a great story to share . I lost my keys , but now they are found . The odds were against me , but God came through . Wouldn 't that be awesome ? Something worthy of praise ? Unfortunately , we get disappointed when our plans are not always God 's plans . But really , what a relief ! My brain is too small to hold such a big God , and I should be okay with that . As we were making the trip back home , sunburned , tired , overheated , and crying about all that we were missing out on ; God spoke . He didn 't speak in a loud voice . He spoke through the Adventures in Odyssey we were listening to . The story had started on our way to the picnic , and on the drive home we listened to the conclusion . Of course , we can look at her prayer and see the silliness , and see why God wouldn 't answer her . But how often do we do the very same thing . We pray expecting God to answer just like a vending machine . " A vending machine for prayers . You decide on your prayer , you push a button , and the answer comes out on the bottom . There 's a button for just about everything . Money when you don 't need it . Good grades on a test you didn 't study for . The latest fashions . The newest toys . Popularity . What else should I add ? " " Is it ? " Mr . Whittaker says , " I 'll finish the machine . But it won 't work . I 'm doing it to make a point . We often think of God like a giant vending machine that will give us what we want if we just push the right buttons or if we put in enough coins . Or maybe if we kick it and shake it hard enough and long enough . God isn 't like that . " First we have to decide , what is prayer ? It 's talking with God . It 's a conversation . We don 't have conversations with vending machines . He wants to hear what you 're thinking and feeling . " " There 's a very simple reason for that . Because He loves us . Every time we ask for something , you should believe that He gives your prayer His loving attention and response . That response doesn 't always mean He 'll say yes . Sometimes He responds by saying , ' No . ' while sometimes He says , ' Wait . ' It may not always be the answer we want , but He will answer . And He 'll answer at a time that 's right for us . " I knew I was guilty of a vending machine prayer . I put the coin in the slot , pushed the button , and waited . No , I didn 't stand in one place waiting , but I was still expecting God to answer me just because I asked . I didn 't see how or why He would want to say no . I thought I just needed to be diligent enough to keep on looking . There comes a time when we must stop and wait . I don 't believe God was asking me to keep my kids out in the hot sun any longer . It was time to go home and wait . Waiting can be so difficult , especially if you are a person of action . You won 't catch me being lazy . I put my heart into whatever the job is that needs to be done . It was so hard for me to walk away from the fields and admit defeat . I was the one who got me into the mess . My husband offered to carry the keys for me , and I was too stubborn . I told him , " I 've done this before . I 'm fine . " Because the fault rested on my shoulders , I felt like I was the one who needed to fix it . Maybe I would give credit to God , or maybe I just needed to know I could do it ? What a mess we make sometimes ! Right now , I am content to wait . All things on the key ring are replaceable , and we might very well replace them . But for a little while , I 'm going to wait . I know that I am commanded at this moment to step away from the situation . God has my back . And I 'm certain He has a reason for not showing me the keys at this exact moment . The world is so complicated , and we have a God who understands everything about it . Maybe God did it for my protection ? Maybe while we were looking for the keys , He was keeping me and my children from being in a situation that we weren 't meant to be in ? Maybe He was protecting my husband from harm ? Maybe something will happen when we go to buy our new set of keys ? Maybe there 's a person we 're supposed to meet or talk with ? Or maybe He just wanted us to learn a lesson in disappointment and how to deal with it ? There are a million different reasons for why things happen that we are never even aware of . God has got our back . The important part is our trusting in Him . It 's that conversation we 're supposed to be having , not the putting our coin in the slot to get what we want . We have to stop kicking the machine expecting to get our treat . God really does want to know our thoughts and feelings . He cares so much ! Last night when I was studying my Bible , I came upon this verse . I knew it was a word for me . I stopped right then and there and committed it to memory . All day long it has been running through my head . It 's given me comfort , and patience to make it through the day . Life sometimes can get me down . People let me down , but I have to choose where I 'm going to place my trust . It 's not always that people intentionally hurt you ; it just happens . We all get busy with our own lives . We forget to remember others . It hurts to be forgotten and left behind , but it doesn 't change who we are . God called me worthy . " We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding . Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord , and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit . All the while , you will grow as you learn to know God better and better . We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need . May you be filled with joy , always thanking the Father . He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people , who live in the light . For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son , who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins . " To some people , friends are more important than any blood relation you could have . To others , family means the most . If you 're wise , neither should get before your relationship with God . Not always easy though , right ? We often desire someone we can see to meet our needs . We know God is there , however , it can feel like He 's very far away at times . There are times when you need a friend to be there physically for you . To watch your kids . To help out with a project . To watch a movie . To just spend time with you . . . being there . I 've recently been a little discouraged by the actions and choices of those around me . Earlier this week God shed a little light on the subject for me . I found it extremely helpful , and wanted to share it with you . Maybe you 've had those same feelings of disappointment and hurt . The feeling of being let down , or taken advantage of . The feeling that people don 't " get " you , or they just don 't care . It hurts . In the words of my 4 year old , " That really hurt my heart . " A couple weeks ago , I paid a visit to the Goodwill store . My favorite ! I always find the greatest things there for a fraction of what they are worth . Some people might eat when they 're upset ; I look for secondhand things . It 's my weakness . This trip however , was planned for fun with my kids . I have passed on my love of " treasure hunting " to my children . We were having a use what you buy day . I love these days . Each of us gets 2 or 3 dollars to spend on whatever we want . Then we spend the rest of the day playing . We buy books , toys , movies , games . It 's so much fun ! On this particular day , I found the entire BBC ( British Broadcasting Corporation ) version of all of Jane Austen 's books . An entire set ! 6 movies in all ! Talk about a prize ! Some of these movies are very old ; made as early as 1971 . Many of these movies were televised series lasting as long as 5 hours . We 're talking hours of entertainment . Goodwill sells their DVDs for $ 3 apiece . However , I made a friend that day , and he sold them to me for $ 2 each . God is always good ! Back to my point that I 'm trying to make . The first movie I made it through was Northanger Abby . Do you realize God can speak to us through movies ? If you listen , you can hear His voice everywhere . To give you some background , the picture above is of a young lady , Isabella , who is engaged to be married . She has just found out her fiancé doesn 't have as much money as she would have liked , and it appears that she 's on the lookout for a new man . We can only assume this is her motive . A militia man comes over and asks her to dance . One might think being an engaged woman , she would refuse the offer . As you can see from the picture , she seems more than willing to oblige him . Maybe even too willing . . . Across the room , there is a judgment made between another couple . The woman , Catherine Morland , is the sister of the poor fiancé . And the man , Henry Tilney , is the brother of the militia man who asked the woman to dance . This line made such a big impression on me . In the movie , Miss Morland , very naively believes the friend could not dance with the man for any reason but one with the purest intentions . It 's what she would have done in the situation . However , the truth of the situation was , Isabella broke off her engagement to find a more suitable husband for herself , one with more wealth . We always see things with our own eyes , through our own point of view . It 's so hard to step outside of that . I am constantly reminded of this fact , and I love to hear it said in a variety of ways . I need the refresher . So many times we feel slighted by a friend because we know our own intentions . We are only seeing the situation from our own motives . We know what would cause us to act a certain way , so we put that onto others . Everyone has been raised so uniquely different . None of us are the same . Even those of us from the same family are different and have been brought up with separate feelings . Something that seems huge in our minds maybe be small in others . I 'll give an example for what I mean . To me , commitment is one of the biggest priorities in my life . I was taught growing up that a yes meant yes , and a no meant no . If you said yes , no matter how much sacrifice and dedication it took , you would follow through . For me to not follow through on something that I say would mean the absolute worst has come about . Nothing would keep me from it , unless I was feeling extremely malicious . You would not believe how many commitments I have kept even in the midst of anger . My word can be bondage , an obsession to say the least . So on the flip side of that , if someone breaks a commitment to me , I feel as if death is upon me . I see if from my point of view . How could that person stab me in the back ? It doesn 't mean the same thing to everyone . To some it 's just a word . It 's like a maybe or a probably . There is room for negotiation . We all understand and interpret our world differently . We cannot possibly assume that we all will react in the same way to everything . So the next time that you feel slighted or treated badly , stop and think about it from all possible perspectives . For the most part , your friends and family are all doing their very best to love you . Their idea of love may be different than yours . We all have different weaknesses and temptations . While it might feel like it 's done very intentionally and purposefully , that may not be the case for the person . We have to stop feeling from our own perspective . " There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears . " Philippians 1 : 6 " Don 't judge by his appearance or height , for I have rejected him . The Lord doesn 't see things the way you see them . People judge by outward appearance , but the Lord looks at the heart . " 1 Samuel 16 : 7 We had an afternoon full of laughter ; it was wonderful ! I took my children , along with my mother , to Barnes and Noble for a scavenger hunt . Our favorite thing was visiting the joke books . In fact , we enjoyed it so much , we purchased joke books for Titus and my dad . We figured they needed a good laugh . Have you ever heard or read a good story full of spoonerisms ? Sometimes my speech is full of them and it 's not even intended . It 's always done on accident ! Spoonerisms are not always done on accident . Sometimes the play on words can make a very stunny fory . Everyone is familiar with the story of Cinderella , but maybe not everyone is familiar with the story of Rindercella . . . Once apon a time , in a coreign fountry , there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella . Now , Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad blisters . Also in this same coreign fountry , there was a very prandsome hince . So , finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn 't go , so she just cat down and shried . And she was kitten there shrien , when all at once there appeared before her , her gairy mudfather . And he touched her with his wagic mand . . . and there appeared before her , a cig boach and hix white sorses to take her to the bancy fall . But he said , " Now , Rindercella , you be sure and be home before nidmight , or I 'll purn you into a tumpkin ! " When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall , this prandsome hince met her at the door because he had been watchin ' all this time behind a wooden hindow . And Rindercella and the prandsome hince nanced all dight . And they lell in fove . And all at once , the mid clock struck night . And Rindercella staced down the rairs , and just as she beached the rottom , she slopped her dripper ! So , the next day this prandsome hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper . Finally he came to Rindercella 's house . Well , he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on her two sigly usters and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit . It was exactly the sight rize ! Yesterday He gave me an illustration about sin . So many times we think about sin as big , bad , and ugly . But often it 's feels good , and seems like the right thing at the time . It 's not always even about that exact moment . It can be a symptom of a bigger issue , and we are deceived into believing it 's about right now . We may have people in our lives telling us we 're up to no good , but we don 't believe them . We are the ones right there feeling it , and dealing with it ; we want to do , what we want to do . Yesterday we had an appointment with the dentist . Zechariah had his first cavity filled . The dentist went in and fixed the problem . But when he was fixing it ; he had to numb Zechariah 's mouth so he wouldn 't feel any pain . God does the same thing for us . He sees an area where we 've made some wrong choices , or bad things have happened to us , and He wants to reach in and help us out . He must first get to the root of the problem . This can be very painful , but He uses His powerful anesthesia while He works on us . After the dentist was done , Zech came out into the waiting room with me . They told me to watch him closely because they noticed he kept biting down on his lip . This was going to result in much pain later . I constantly would get on Zech for the biting ; telling him how painful it would be in a couple of hours . He didn 't care ! He kept saying , " I like it . It feels good . " and sometimes it was , " I need to get that gum off of there . " He simply couldn 't understand the numbness his mouth was experiencing . He interpreted the only way he knew how . It was a piece of gum stuck to his mouth , and it must be removed . This went on for a few hours . They gave me extra cotton to put in his mouth , hoping it would keep him from biting down on his lip . It didn 't work . He continually chewed the cotton like it was a piece of gum . It may have protected the lip a little bit , but it was still getting chewed every now and then . The result was , hours later , he was left with a big fat lip . The picture doesn 't even do justice to the pain he inflicted on himself . The inside is completely chewed up and swollen . He 's having a hard time eating because his mouth won 't open all the way . I asked him over and over again to stop biting . I saw the blood dripping out of his mouth and understood the pain that would eventually come . Zechariah didn 't understand and he persisted in hurting himself . No matter how many reasons I gave for not biting his lip , all he cared about was that it felt good right now . He couldn 't see the long term pain it would cause him . I 'm sure you can already guess where I 'm going with this . We have this issue in our lives , something so big we can 't even fathom all the aspects of it . The wrong choices we make in our lives , the sin , is often a symptom of a larger issue . The sin is what we are doing to mask our pain . A lot of times , rather than deal with the original problem , we get a whole new set of problems . And sin can feel oh so good at the time . People around us can see the path we 're taking is going to lead where we don 't want to go , but we are blinded by the immediate symptom that is staring us in the face . We want our quick fix to make us feel better . We don 't realize the numbness is going to wear off and we 're going to be stuck with a great big fat lip ! We need to be sensitive to those around us . We could be walking around with a potentially large fat lip . What if , instead of biting down during our numbness , we figured out what was really going on inside of us ? I 'll use myself as an example . I 've told you before , my weakness is my mouth . I use my words to hurt people , a lot of time , my own children . I have a short tempter , and I yell at them without much thought . The thing is , most of the time , my short temper has nothing to do with my children . It 's a symptom . Sometimes what 's really going on is my feelings got hurt by someone else and I 'm taking it out on them . Or maybe I 'm worried about something that 's coming up in the future and it feels better to yell . Or maybe I 'm feeling guilty about something and I haven 't confessed it to God . When I yell at someone , because of some hidden pain inside of me , it 's wrong . I need to deal with my numb feeling before me and my kids both end up with a fat lip . Our sin can cause others pain too . It 's like the domino effect . I hurt them , so they hurt someone , who then goes on to hurt another person . We must be the domino that quits working . We need to work on ourselves before we inflict pain on another individual . We must stop giving ourselves a fat , swollen lip . And if you see others around you who are biting down during their numbness , gently remind them of the pain to come . We must ask God to give clarity to our lives . He is the only true anesthesia . " Could it be any clearer ? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ , a decisive end to that sin - miserable life - no longer at sin 's every beck and call ! What we believe is this : If we get included in Christ 's sin - conquering death , we also get included in his life - saving resurrection . We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death - as - the - end . Never again will death have the last word . When Jesus died , he took sin down with him , but alive he brings God down to us . From now on , think of it this way : Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you ; God speaks your mother tongue , and you hang on every word . You are dead to sin and alive to God . That 's what Jesus did . " Romans 6 : 6 - 11 It 's been one of those days . Ever have them ? Where everything seems to go wrong , and you 're just in a bad mood ? No matter how hard you try to do the right thing , stuff just doesn 't work out . Say hello to my Monday . I let the kids sleep in , which meant 11am for Gabe . 11am ! We 're talking most of the day is gone already . On the schedule for our summer fun we had planned to go to the Discovery Center , ( our hands on children 's museum full of fun and crafts ) . We finally make it there by 12pm , thinking we picked a great time . Everyone is gone to lunch . It won 't be busy at all . In fact , it was almost too quiet there . The parking lot was practically empty . Grr . . . It 's Monday . Museums are always closed on Mondays . I didn 't want to let it spoil our fun , so we all opted for our yearly trip to the museum trails for an alphabet hunt . The trails are open 7 days a week . Everything was going to be great ! We were looking on the bright side . The weather was beautiful , a little overcast , and nice cool temperatures . As we headed in the history museum 's direction , I realized we left our bug spray at home . Normally , it lives in the glove compartment of my car for purposes such as these . However , we needed it over the weekend and it didn 't get put away . I was starting to get a little cranky , but still thought it would be fine . We would swing by a gas station ; pick up some bug spray , maybe some bottles of water . Since it was lunch time I gave the kids the option of bringing McDonald 's for a picnic now , or wait until after the hunt and we would get Hawaiian ice . They wanted lunch now . Fine with me . I went to pay for my bug spray to find out it cost $ 10 ! Are you kidding me ? $ 10 for bug spray ! Grr . . . That did it ! I could feel my temperature rising . I just wanted it to be an easy going Monday . Nothing that would require a lot of work on my part . And today was supposed to be our free day of the week ! As we headed to McDonald 's I asked the kids if they need to go to the bathroom . Since it 's Monday , we wouldn 't be allowed inside the museum to use their restroom . I really didn 't want to hear a yes . I wanted easy . I was thinking drive - through . One yes . Not the end of the world , but I was feeling like we were headed in that direction . I took a deep breath and asked God for help . Nothing major had happened , but I was losing my patience very quickly . I wanted the trip to be over already . Gabriel , my young man after God 's own heart , reminded me to think about the good things . God was going to take care of us , and we were still going to have fun . This trip already had been fun for him . I barked at him . " God doesn 't always make everything good . Sometimes stuff just happens . " What an encourager I was , looking at the bright side of things . We quickly grabbed our McDonald 's and were on our way . I noticed the clouds were looking a little dark , and asked God if He would please wait until we were done hunting . Zechariah answered me , " God said , yes ! " The afternoon turned out perfectly . God spoke to me through the mouths of my children . Sometimes adults need encouragement themselves instead of always being the encourager . It was beautiful to see how my kids responded to me . They certainly didn 't let me feel sorry for myself . They changed my perspective . We had an amazing afternoon together ! During lunch we listened to our camp worship songs on my cell phone . One of them has fun actions , and we all got out of our seats and danced together . There is something so freeing about dance . We let loose out in the fields together and worshiped God . After lunch Grandma joined us for our walk through the trails . Every year we like to take a couple hours and go on an ABC hunt . We find things in nature and take pictures . Each year we try to find something different than the year before . This is getting harder and harder as more years pass . Remember how Zech told me God said , yes . Well , it wasn 't entirely yes . We had one point when we were on the trail where it rained . Luckily , we were in a tree filled area with a bench . The raindrops barely touched us , and the moment was rather peaceful . We took a break from our hunt and sat and listened to the soothing sound of raindrops falling on the leaves around . The moment was beautiful ; aside from listening to my oldest son complaining about his dire need for water . He set out a cup to catch the drops but was rather disappointed when it didn 't amount to anything . The day turned out perfectly ! And as if that wasn 't enough already , God had a bigger blessing in store for me . When we got back home , I checked my email as I often do when returning . One of my favorite websites is Tip Junkie . I love all the crafts and information that is on there . On the 4th of July , they announced they would be giving away a Silhouette Cameo plus the Studio Edition Bundle worth $ 350 . I 've always wanted one of these machines , however , there was no way with those high prices I would ever justify buying one . I almost didn 't enter because I figured it would be pointless . But something ( God ) told me , it never hurts to try . We should never stop hoping for things ! When you stop hoping and believing for the best you are in for real trouble . God is so much bigger than any hopes we could ever have . Always believe ! I 'm sure you can imagine what I 'm about to say . I won the random drawing ! I was one person out of 1 , 966 ! ! Those are some incredible odds there , but God still did it . The favor of the Lord is so amazing to me ! I was sitting here discussing how big my cup was with my oldest son . His cup is about the size of a coffee mug . Mine is probably pretty comparative to his , however , God has probably filled that cup enough to fill my entire house , all 1300 square feet . I am overwhelmed by the blessings He gives . I never feel like I deserve it ; yet He loves me enough to give beyond my simple imagination . My family has been eating this for years ! I remember my mom making it when I was younger . It 's easy to make , and tastes great ! I am all about simple . We made this for our friends last week , and got lots of compliments . Okay , the compliments were all from the same person , but who 's keeping track ? I figured it was reason enough for me to share it with all of you ! Toast the almonds and sesame seeds in oven for 5 minutes . Let cool . ( We have burned ours a couple times , and they still taste good . ) Toss ingredients together ; add chicken . The Dressing : As we were driving away from Wheatstate Camp , I texted my husband to let him know I was finally on my way home . One week can feel like a really long time when you 're apart from your family . In truth , when I was gone the only time I remembered my husband and son that were left behind was during my one hour of free time . You are kept so busy . This is a good thing ! My first moments with Zechariah didn 't go exactly as I had planned . He seemed mad at me and would hardly say anything except a quick , " I missed you . " I get that from him every time I leave so I was hoping for something a little more heartfelt . When it was getting close to bedtime , I finally got the response I needed . He was snuggled up to me in my bed . I told him he had until his dad came in the room , and then he would need to run to his own bed . You have to understand that Zechariah lives to play the game Trouble . I play this with him every single day , sometimes 2 or 3 games of it . He will even choose to play by himself . All you have to do is pick the color , and he will move all the pieces and roll the die for you . He 's obsessed ! I guess when I was gone , he tried to play the game once with Grandma , and he was less than honest in the moving of his pieces . She told him he couldn 't do it , and he was mad ! So mad , in fact , that he threw a chair over . Needless to say , he didn 't finish that game with her . " Oh , you mean at church . " About a month ago we used our class as a punishment for Zechariah . We thought he would be so bored by sitting with us in " big church " that he would be more than willing to obey so he could attend his own class . It didn 't work . He liked the extra attention of sitting between mom and dad . After something life changing like camp , you often are left with a hole when you come home . You feel different , but your life is the same . Something needs to change . When I was sitting in one of the closing rallies at camp , the speaker began to talk about when she returned to her church , and the work she does with the children . She loves kids . The more she talked ; I started to feel a jealousy creep in . I wanted that . All my life I wanted to grow up and be a mom . Now that I am one , it 's still my heart 's biggest desire . I love children . All children . My own . My friend 's kids . The kids at my children 's school . There is something so rewarding in spending time with children . You can be anyone with them . It doesn 't matter if you 're big or little , tall or short , skinny or fat , white or black . . . appearance has no weight with them . As long as you listen , be their friend , and show love to them , they will accept you just as you are . During that closing rally , God started stirring something up in me . I didn 't want camp to be the end with these kids . I wanted more time . On Sunday , I went to church . God continued to speak to me ; however , I was still feeling a little selfish . Working with kids is a big commitment . I didn 't think I was going to be ready to make it . There 's already so much I feel like I 'm doing . How could God possibly ask me to commit to one more thing . The sermon had three points to it . First , we must love those in front of us . This literally means anywhere you see a need . The second thing is we must be willing to serve those we don 't have to . Service begins where obligation ends . And the last point , the one that really hit home with me , give what you have . There are two kinds of people , givers and takers . Almost all of us believe we are the givers , when in fact , we take . Hearing a statement that had the word " worthless " in it really caught my attention . I had just struggled with that days earlier . God showed me my worth , and here I was fighting back saying , " I have nothing to give . " I was beginning to feel pretty selfish . God was asking me to give some of my time , and I was holding on to , hoarding it , as if it was mine to do with as I wished . I promised God I would listen to Him , and try to do what He said . Then moments later , I was taking it back ? ? Because it seemed like work ? So , I ran to our children 's pastor and begged him to let me help out . Right ? WRONG . I 'm pretty stubborn sometimes . I just didn 't want to make a commitment right now . I wanted to pray about it . " We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us . So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters . " 1 John 3 : 16 Giving is a sign of what God has done in us . Our money , time & talents are all ways to give . Ouch ! I was getting hit hard . Giving is a sign of what God has done in us ? I had an awesome week where I came home feeling changed , like I was a new person . I didn 't want my life to go back to the same exact way . I wanted to continue making a difference . I have always felt called to work with elementary aged kids . I believe God hand - picked me for kid 's camp this year , because this year it was time to start again . I 've been feeling a pull in that direction for the past two years . Something happened , and I got discouraged . I let the enemy take away what I felt called to do . The sad part was I didn 't even realize it . It had been sitting on the back burner for so long it had grown cold . I was convinced I was doing exactly what God wanted , yet I always felt like something was missing still . I believe God 's timing is perfect . He never pushes us . I totally stink at that . I 'm not a patient person , and when I see someone struggling I want it fixed right here , right now . So what if you got barriers , I 'm here to break them down . Aren 't you glad I have no power , and that I 'm not God ? His timing is always perfect . He gets all the pieces and He starts putting them together one by one . I jump to the end too often . I start gluing them down thinking I have a 100 piece puzzle , when God has the masterpiece over 5000 pieces . It wasn 't until the end of our discussion on Sunday evening that I was finally convinced . I knew exactly what I needed to do for this moment in my life . I 've already talked with our children 's pastor . Steps have been taken ; I have officially made the move to continue the work I began last week . I am so excited ! The most comfortable place you could ever sit is right in the middle of God 's will . Have you ever been on the outside of His will ? If you 've ever been there , I 'm sure you know what I 'm talking about . You can feel the difference . Life isn 't the same there ; it 's full of discomfort , confusion , and heartache . I 'll leave you with the final two questions I had to answer on Sunday night . What are barriers you have that can keep you from giving ? And how will you let the ideas of serving , love , and giving change the way you live tomorrow and next week ? " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " - Elevation Worship I learned something about myself this last week at kid 's camp . My flesh fails me , and that is okay . Seems rather simple , huh ? This was a huge lesson I learned ! This post is going to be a bit more personal than the last two I shared with you . God got really serious with me , and I was at a point that I could hear Him , and listen . If you remember , I told you everything we do at camp is worth points . That includes good behavior , showing up to things on time , the games we play , Bible reading and memory verses . It 's all worth something . For me at kid 's camp , the competition was a little bit difficult . I didn 't try to stress the points too much with my girls . I 'm not saying we didn 't try our best out there ; we gave it our all ! I tried to keep the focus off of winning , and placed it more on why we were there . The idea behind all the games was to have fun , not to find out who is the most athletic out of us . The idea behind the scriptures wasn 't to see who was most spiritual , but to get God 's word into our lives . I felt that we were succeeding by God 's standards . If you remember , I said this was a first time for me as a coach . I was a little overwhelmed by the end of the week just trying to keep track of all 13 of my girls . I was tired . It wasn 't until our last free time of the last night , when I remembered that I hadn 't turned our points in yet . I never had time to do it each day , and I planned to write it down all at once . When I headed over to the office , I was met with an empty wall . The chart was gone ! Someone was in the office , so I explained to them that I was a new coach , and I needed to turn in my points . Was it too late ? She sent me to another lady who was in charge . I went through the explanation again ; could I please turn in the points for my girls ? Her annoyed response was this , " The deadline has already passed . You should have been paying more attention . " Then she grabbed my piece of paper with all my information and said in a very stern voice , " This is totally worthless . Would you like me to throw it away for you ? Or would you like to do it yourself ? " Oh my goodness ! I felt like I was two inches tall . I messed up so big . I thought I was the biggest failure walking around that camp . My girls were all counting on me , and I dropped the ball . Why didn 't I pay attention more ? Why didn 't I turn my points in everyday ? As the questions and thoughts kept coming to me , an entire week of emotions flooded me . I sobbed as I ran back to my cabin . Luckily , I 'm the only one with a key , and the girls were at their free time where I 'm technically not needed . I was trying to build relationships with them so I always followed them around all week during free time . This time , I took the time for myself and did what any normal girl would do when her feelings were hurt . I called my mom . I was crushed . I felt like the woman had just called me and my girls worthless . It 's amazing how the devil can twist things around . At the time , all that kept running in my head was , " you 're totally worthless . Worthless . WORTHLESS . " In actuality , it was the paper she was referring to , but my delicate feelings couldn 't make out the difference right then . It took me the entire night to push through this . I was back with my girls , and none of them seemed the wiser . I had a good cry , and I was able to stay in the shadows for the few minutes we were together so they couldn 't see that something was bothering me . Only one of my girls was able to see my pain , and I simply told her I got my feelings hurt . Something she understood perfectly ; I had already consoled her a couple times that week . My mom had suggested I talk with the coach 's pastor , Rick , but I never would see him walking around . The only time I had contact with him was during our morning meetings , and we were leaving camp the next day . I didn 't think there was much of a chance of me running into him . About 10 minutes before lights out , we heard a knock on our door . When I opened it , who do you think it was ? There Rick stood , with a paper in hand , trying to get ready for our exit the next day . I pulled him aside , and explained what had happened . He was so encouraging to me ! He told me over and over again , thank you , for all the work I was doing . He assured me I was making a difference in these girls . I also got the reason behind the statement . He wasn 't excusing her rudeness , but he wanted me to know what she was implying . If you remember , we are competing in super teams , not individual cabins . ( I didn 't know this at the time . ) There was a super team that had basically blown all other teams out of the water they had so many points . She had already tallied things up and there was no way one cabin was going to change things . Knowing this helped a little bit . But I still felt the sting of her words . I had all my girls tucked into bed , and I headed off for a shower . I 've said it before , the shower is my sanctuary . I have my most vulnerable conversations with God there . I cried out to Him that night . I sobbed , and asked Him why ? I needed a God encounter , and I wasn 't going to bed unless I got it . I asked God over and over again , " Am I worthless ? Because tonight I sure do feel like it . " It was in my brokenness that God showed up . I couldn 't put two and two together by myself , but God spelled it out . He showed me that , yes , that paper was worthless . It doesn 't matter how I stack up to someone else , or how my girl 's cabin stacks up to another one . What matters is our heart , and where it 's at . I gave 200 % at camp , and He blessed me for it . When I cried out about my worth , God simply dropped my name before me . The previous week , I was at my book study with friends , and we were discussing what our names mean . My name is Amanda which means " worthy of being loved " . I was simply speechless . The tears ran , and my heart mended back together again . Only God can do that ! He can take what the enemy uses to destroy us , and He can turn it into something beautiful . I am so thankful that my God is bigger than any enemy out there . My God can heal a broken heart . Who else can claim that ? My flesh may fail , but , MY God , You NEVER will . I 've been saving this until the very end . This is the icing on the cake ! I was still feeling pretty bad for the girls I had let down , but God showed me that I never let them down . So what ! We didn 't get our points . We did get out of the week what we were supposed to . We developed our relationship with God and each other more . That was the goal and purpose behind camp , remember ? When I was in my sanctuary , I asked God for one thing . Could He please prove to me in some tangible way that I was doing the right thing ? That I didn 't fail this week ? It 's all good to hear from Him , and feel Him in a personal way , but I wanted proof . Have you ever done that to God ? Just asked Him to prove Himself to you ? On Thursday , all coaches have to nominate a boy or girl from their cabin who they feel best exhibited the fruits of the spirit . I didn 't miss out on this deadline ! In my cabin we had two girls who did a phenomenal job . One of the two girls was chosen last year for this award , so we felt like we should choose the other one , which happened to be my daughter , Ariel . Later in the day , all the nominees were interviewed individually by Rick and Tony ( our worship leader ) . This ends up being around 20 kids chosen out of 400 ! They narrow that down , and chose first a runner - up who is given a half scholarship to attend camp the next summer . Then they chose the 1st place girl and boy who are both given a full scholarship to camp . When it came time to announce the fruit of the spirit winners , I was so nervous . In fact , I was so nervous I didn 't even want to videotape . I knew my daughter had done well in my eyes , and I was proud of her . She was doing a great job of following in Jesus ' footsteps . I 'm kicking myself now for not getting a video . My daughter won the first place fruit of the spirit award ! ! It was then that God whispered in my ear again . You are worthy of my love . You did what I asked this week , and you made a difference in these girls lives . No competition could prove that to you . I don 't lie , and I will never fail you . I cried like a baby ! " Yeah . And I 'm a little confused because she is so mean . They must not have seen her throw that mud water at me ! " Spoken like a true brother . . . " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " Thank you , God for mending my broken heart . Give me faith to trust everything that you say . Show me how to ignore all the words that have no meaning in my life . Thank you for calling me worthy . I love you . " And where would I be without You . . . I 'd be packing my bags when I need to stay . I 'd be chasin ' every breeze that blows my way . I 'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away . It 's true . That 's me without you . " - TobyMac We had some awesome songs at kid 's camp this year ! I 've been walking around my house for the past couple of days singing to myself , and doing the motions . Why don 't adults put motions to their songs more ? It 's so fun ! I spent a week with 13 of the most amazing girls . Every moment was a gift from God . Sure there were times I was exhausted , stressed , tired , frustrated , but the good far outweighed the bad . I have never felt so useful in all my life . I felt like I was making a difference sharing God 's love with these girls ; to me the highest calling that Jesus gives . For an entire week , I listened to these girls opening up their hearts to me . I heard their pain ; I even saw it in their eyes a few times . I was able to literally put my arms around them and show them that someone is there with them . They are not alone . God loves them . For a couple girls , my heart is still breaking for what they have been through . They are in my prayers . Every night I would lie awake in my bed , waiting for sleep to come . It usually took me a couple hours to drift off . Once my adrenalin is running , and believe me , it ran at camp , it 's hard for me to calm down and sleep . I knew when I got back I would be extremely tired . Each night I rested for about 4 or 5 hours . For the couple hours it took me to relax , I would go around the room and pray for each girl in their bunk . God would bring all different things to mind that had happened throughout the day , and I would spend time interceding for these girls . Since I have been home , there are a few I still feel burdened to pray for . On Monday we arrived at the camp full of excitement and confusion . This was a first time for me as a cabin coach . I had been going as a camper for over 10 years ; however , it 's been 13 years since I 've been there . I had a learning experience this year ; I hope to go back next year as a seasoned pro ! I never experienced camp through the eyes of a coach until this past week . What a difference ! I 'm tempted to believe I actually got more out of it then they did . I got this out of the coach 's handbook which I read from cover to cover . I wanted to be prepared in all ways before I took part . " The first purpose for Kids ' Camp is to provide a safe and fun environment for kids while they have an opportunity to be exposed to truth and observe first hand , adults and other kids who have a Passion for the Truth in their lives . The second purpose is to give kids the opportunity to respond to the truth by experiencing Christ through salvation , the baptism of the Holy Spirit , both physical and spiritual healing and the manifestation of spiritual gifts and knowledge in their lives . The final purpose is to give kids a place to develop new relationships with other kids and adults who will have the potential to become lifelong friends / support . " What a big responsibility , huh ? These girls were looking to us cabin coaches as the example of what it means to follow God . This happens in so many more places than just camp . It 's a lifestyle . There are always little pairs of eyes watching your life . Make sure what they 're watching is advantageous ! Now kid 's camp is not all about spiritual things . We spend a large part of our day playing games , swimming , eating junk food , and wandering around the campus hanging out . The days are PACKED full of activity . There is actually very little downtime . I had one hour to myself each day while the kids were in the tabernacle watching the camp videos of the day and playing silly games . During free time the girls can choose to play on the inflatables , visit the rock wall , play in the tubes and slides ( similar to McDonald 's play land ) , miniature golf , play carpet ball or octoball , or watch a movie in air conditioning . My girls were always on the inflatables racing each other through the obstacle course . ( In truth , I think that 's where the cute " staff " boys hung out , and they wanted a glimpse . ) During our one hour of swim time , the girls could do the zipline , jump on the blob , or go down the water slide . I think the lines were always shortest on the zipline . To give you some facts about this campground , for us to walk to the swim beach , it 's a half mile away . So for my girls to go swimming , we had to walk literally a mile . By the end of the day , I think we were all walking between 10 and 15 miles a day . Not only did I have 13 girls to take care of , I had an alien , named Mia , I was responsible for . Being a mother , you would not believe how many times I would end up holding something and I had no idea where it came from . I was the dump spot that they knew they could count on . There were a few times at the end of the night I would have a girl approach me and ask for something out of my pocket . I would always be able to pull it out , yet many times I had no memory of how it got there . A true mother , I am . WATER ! Worth more to everyone than any gemstones you could possibly find . The week we were there , the temperature was over 100 ° every day . It even got as high as 108 ° one day . We had to be extra careful , and I was constantly pushing the girls to drink water , and get wet . There were several water spigots throughout the camp and a few sprinklers just to help keep us all hydrated . Every day we would compete in two different sporting events . Each cabin is part of a larger super team with 4 or 5 other cabins . All the super teams would play against each other individually as cabins . Points are awarded for almost everything you do at camp . The winning super team at the end of the week earns a medal for every girl or boy . The favorite game of all the girls was noodle lacrosse . I was even fortunate enough to be able to participate . For the most part coaches are just there to cheer the girls on ; they usually stay out of the games . This time we all got involved ! The point of the game was to fold your pool noodle in half , holding onto the ball in the center . You had to run to your goal box , and while standing on the outer edge , try to get the ball in the goal . The fun part , whoever has the ball in their possession , the other team gets to beat on them with their noodles . This was SO MUCH FUN ! If it wasn 't almost 110 ° outside , I would have enjoyed it even more . My lungs were burning ! Spending a week at camp was one of the most rewarding things I 've ever done , but also one of the hardest . You are with these girls 23 hours out of the day . You get one hour off , to call home , shower , or just nap . It 's all about sacrifice . We 're talking getting up in the morning , no matter if you feel like it or not , because you have 13 girls who are depending on you . Nothing is done because you " feel " like it , or because you " want " to . It 's all about doing what needs to be done . You listen to arguing and complaining , but you must stay positive . No matter how much you want to whine with the girls , you have to keep their outlook upbeat . Nothing would have gotten done if we all just sat down and had a pity party because of how we felt . We were training these girls for the future . There are always days when you have responsibilities that you don 't want to do . We want to be women who rise up to the challenge , not women who fall down and break when trouble comes our way . Every morning we would spend a couple hours in church . Some of my girls loved this ; some of my girls disliked it . It was all about perspective . I could see the love some of the girls had for God and it spilled over into their worship , prayer time , and life . They were excited about all things ! The ones , who had a tendency toward complaining , seemed to get bored easily during the service . They had adopted a negative attitude and it showed . Austin and Suzie did a phenomenal job of keeping the kids attention ! They were the comic relief of the service . The theme was Expedition Possible . Our speakers took a trip into the mountains while we looked on . On Wednesday , we talked about the Israelite 's and God 's protection with the cloud and fire . God is constantly watching over us and will protect us from the enemy , the devil . During our evening response time , we made bracelets . The first bead on the bracelet is yellow , which represents us . Then there is God , the white and red beads , representing the cloud for day and the fire by night . Last there is our enemy the black bead . As long as you have God in the middle of things , the enemy can 't get to you . I thought this was a really neat object lesson the kids could understand . Finally , on Thursday we discussed God providing for us . Every day we would have cabin devotions together , and on Thursday I led the discussion . The girls got so excited talking about all the miracles God does for us . I listened to example after example of God coming through for these girls . It was so exciting for me to see their enthusiasm . It 's RED ! He was all the kids favorite . Red had a huge crush on Suzie , and Suzie seemed to be just as fond of him . I thought it was so great to see and hear the kid 's reaction to ventriloquism . It was never explained on stage , and most of my girls had no idea how it worked . One girl asked me , " How do we hear him talk when he doesn 't have a microphone ? " When I told her , Ms . Gail did the talking for him ; she corrected me and said that Ms . Gail 's mouth never moves . At the beginning of the week , we were all strangers , by the end we were a family . I love those girls . My heart will be theirs forever . God , please bless each and every one of them today . Send someone to give them a big hug from me . Thank you for the opportunity I had of getting to know each girl . I am so glad I was obedient to you . You work all things out for good ! |
I am very happy to report that God has remembered my son again . Zechariah was very appropriately named . He is my son that shows me God 's protection time and time again . Without God , life would be so different . Thursday of last week started like any other day , but soon changed into a very different kind of day . Zechariah fell off the toilet . Sounds simple enough , and you wouldn 't think this would do much damage . However , it did . Somehow , when he was going to the bathroom and fell , his penis got stuck , and was cut pretty badly . I heard him crying from the other room and came to check on him . I didn 't figure it was anything serious . By the time I got there , his tears had stopped and he told me in a very calm rational voice , " I fell off the toilet , and my penis is bleeding . " It was said so matter of fact that I didn 't believe there was blood . I then did the thing that mothers never should . When I lifted his shirt up and saw how much blood there was , I gasped out loud with a sharp intake of breath . This set him off and he began to scream and scream . No matter how many times I said , " You 'll be okay . " He could only remember the look of horror on my face . He thought he was in serious trouble because of my reaction . In fact , he would not stop crying and I had to leave the room to call the doctor . I honestly had no idea what I was to do for him . I was afraid it needed stitches but I wasn 't sure how to go about this . Do I carry him into the hospital naked ? Do I try to get a covering for him ? I knew it wasn 't especially serious , but I thought it probably needed some attention . By the time I heard back from the doctor , I had calmed him down enough to very delicately apply some antibiotic ointment , and carefully pull up his underwear . With the promise of time on the DSi , the tears stopped flowing . Whenever the pain subsides so quickly , it always makes me question whether it really needs immediate action . I debated for two hours as to bring him in or not . He seemed perfectly fine and was running and playing again . This kid is always so tough ! When he broke his arm , I almost didn 't bring him to the doctor . He adapts so well . We all need a little bit of Zech 's stamina in our lives . No matter what has happened to him , we 've always questioned the seriousness of it because he keeps a positive outlook . Even as young as 7 months old , when he had a very serious blood infection , I couldn 't get the doctors to pay attention to him . Whenever they saw him , he was happy and smiling ; symptoms they didn 't believe a very sick baby would show . He is an example to us all ! No matter what happens , don 't let it take your joy away ! The doctor had told me he needed to be seen in ExpressCare . After an hour wait , we finally had some evaluation . The doctor took a look at it , and said , " It appears much more serious than we originally thought , and you need to bring him over to the ER for stitches and proper pain medication . " They were going to set him up right . As we were heading over to the hospital , I have to admit I was a little frustrated . This entire day was not part of my plan . I had a really fun day at the lake figured out . We were going to use plaster of Paris to make all kinds of fun sandy keepsakes . I was irritated that this accident had interrupted my day . It seems like all my plans have been altered in some way this summer . How selfish I was ! When the day was over , I was so thankful for God 's protection for Zechariah . God holds us so tenderly in the palm of His hand . Fortunately , my mom was with us , as we were supposed to be going to the lake , so she volunteered to take Ariel and Gabe to the library which is next door to the hospital . Zech and I were in for a very long wait . Even though they had called ahead , we still had another 3 hours ahead of us to go . Through it all , Zechariah was as happy as could be . He treated the entire trip like an adventure . He doesn 't visit the hospital very often , so he was happy to explore the areas we visited . When we finally had our moment with the doctor , he took one look at it and said , it definitely needed stitches and the only way he would do that is if we sedated Zech . He explained that the pain would be over - the - top and he could not put him through it without Zechariah being unconscious . I thought this seemed a little extreme given the fact that he was still running around and playing like he didn 't have a care in the world . The alternative to stitches was simply leaving it alone to heal on its own , and applying some antibiotic ointment to it . He would also have to be really careful to not reopen the wound . This would mean no baths , showers , or even getting wet . Too much water can lengthen the healing process . Because of the area of the cut , it wasn 't very susceptible to infection . The doctor also mentioned without stitching it , there was more chance of a scar , but this was still his recommended course of treatment . I opted for the alternative . Zech had already been through a painful experience and I didn 't want to put him through it again . We had our antibiotic ointment in hand , and we were on our way home . I don 't know how this fact has escaped us until this moment ; Zech is allergic to Neosporin . He broke out in hives all over his body , and his face started to swell . God still held him in the palm of His hand . Zechariah never complained once about his pain after the initial hurt . He is such a tough kid . He 's been through a lot in his life , and he has always dealt with it full of courage and bravery . He is such an inspiration to me . We spent the weekend in Wichita with my husband 's grandparents . The highlight of the trip for our kids is always to visit Riverside park with the computerized fountains . Zech was such a commendable little boy . We didn 't want him getting more than his feet wet in the fountains , and he didn 't complain a bit when we told him he had enough of the water . He sat on the bench waiting patiently for his brother and sister . He knew it was for his own good that he was taken from the fun and he went right along with it . I think we can all learn a lesson from Zechariah . " Be cheerful no matter what ; pray all the time ; thank God no matter what happens . This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live . " 1 Thessalonians 5 : 16 - 18 . When Zech couldn 't play in the fountain , he found he could play on the toys at the park . Lately I 've been noticing that Zechariah says a lot of words incorrectly and I 've been trying to teach the correct pronunciation . I don 't know if he 's having trouble hearing it , or if he just got so used to saying the words in a babyish way that he doesn 't realize it 's incorrect . One that we have a constant struggle with is " computer " . He calls it the " pooter " . This is very difficult for him . I normally take it very slowly , and make him repeat every syllable . " It 's com - pU - ter . " With help , I can get him to say " com - pooter . " He still has difficulty with the U in computer . This morning I was awoken by a very early riser . Zechariah has been getting up with his father , and he was ready to play . " Mommy , can I play on the com - laptop ? " It 's been a hard day . I planned to take my boys swimming after a relaxing picnic lunch with their dad at work . Ariel was out of town visiting my sister in Colorado . As lunch concluded rather quickly , we decided to take a walk in the area of my husband 's work . For thirty minutes we traveled about , crunching the dry grass beneath our feet . The boys enjoyed climbing through tunnels which followed under the streets above . We saw an old building which housed a church . It was a hot afternoon , but it was fun just the same . Somehow in the past thirty minutes , where we covered roughly a mile of ground , in a very haphazard direction , the keys had fallen to the ground . There was no good way to retrace our steps . My husband works on the outskirts of town where there are big open fields . It seemed to be an impossible task to find the keys . Me , trying to be a woman of faith , stopped right at the beginning and said , " Let 's pray ! I know God will show us where the keys lay . " This was serious business for my boys . We had just picked up the key to the swimming pool and it was on the lost key ring . Gabriel said a prayer that some person would find them and bring them to us in the same way that his shin guards were walked over to him in the past . I thought this was a great example again of childlike faith , however , I didn 't hold out for it happening . The longer we looked for the keys , the more desperate my prayers became . It 's 104 ° degrees outside today . The temperatures are not very forgiving for a woman who has lost her keys and needs to find them . My boys were dying in the heat , not literally of course , but you can imagine the complaints that came out of their mouths . After two hours of looking , I was defeated . I knew I had to give up . This went against everything in me . How was God going to answer my prayer if I just gave up ? I was still certain the keys would be found . It was a large area of land we covered , but we were systematic about our search . The keys had to be found . God promised me . " You can ask for anything in my name , and I will do it , so that the Son can bring glory to the Father . Yes , ask me for anything in my name , and I will do it ! " John 14 : 12 - 14 I figured this wasn 't a prayer that would hurt anyone if He answered . Surely , He cares about my keys , right ? I hated to admit my failure . I felt like I had let God down . I wanted to have a great story to share . I lost my keys , but now they are found . The odds were against me , but God came through . Wouldn 't that be awesome ? Something worthy of praise ? Unfortunately , we get disappointed when our plans are not always God 's plans . But really , what a relief ! My brain is too small to hold such a big God , and I should be okay with that . As we were making the trip back home , sunburned , tired , overheated , and crying about all that we were missing out on ; God spoke . He didn 't speak in a loud voice . He spoke through the Adventures in Odyssey we were listening to . The story had started on our way to the picnic , and on the drive home we listened to the conclusion . Of course , we can look at her prayer and see the silliness , and see why God wouldn 't answer her . But how often do we do the very same thing . We pray expecting God to answer just like a vending machine . " A vending machine for prayers . You decide on your prayer , you push a button , and the answer comes out on the bottom . There 's a button for just about everything . Money when you don 't need it . Good grades on a test you didn 't study for . The latest fashions . The newest toys . Popularity . What else should I add ? " " Is it ? " Mr . Whittaker says , " I 'll finish the machine . But it won 't work . I 'm doing it to make a point . We often think of God like a giant vending machine that will give us what we want if we just push the right buttons or if we put in enough coins . Or maybe if we kick it and shake it hard enough and long enough . God isn 't like that . " First we have to decide , what is prayer ? It 's talking with God . It 's a conversation . We don 't have conversations with vending machines . He wants to hear what you 're thinking and feeling . " " There 's a very simple reason for that . Because He loves us . Every time we ask for something , you should believe that He gives your prayer His loving attention and response . That response doesn 't always mean He 'll say yes . Sometimes He responds by saying , ' No . ' while sometimes He says , ' Wait . ' It may not always be the answer we want , but He will answer . And He 'll answer at a time that 's right for us . " I knew I was guilty of a vending machine prayer . I put the coin in the slot , pushed the button , and waited . No , I didn 't stand in one place waiting , but I was still expecting God to answer me just because I asked . I didn 't see how or why He would want to say no . I thought I just needed to be diligent enough to keep on looking . There comes a time when we must stop and wait . I don 't believe God was asking me to keep my kids out in the hot sun any longer . It was time to go home and wait . Waiting can be so difficult , especially if you are a person of action . You won 't catch me being lazy . I put my heart into whatever the job is that needs to be done . It was so hard for me to walk away from the fields and admit defeat . I was the one who got me into the mess . My husband offered to carry the keys for me , and I was too stubborn . I told him , " I 've done this before . I 'm fine . " Because the fault rested on my shoulders , I felt like I was the one who needed to fix it . Maybe I would give credit to God , or maybe I just needed to know I could do it ? What a mess we make sometimes ! Right now , I am content to wait . All things on the key ring are replaceable , and we might very well replace them . But for a little while , I 'm going to wait . I know that I am commanded at this moment to step away from the situation . God has my back . And I 'm certain He has a reason for not showing me the keys at this exact moment . The world is so complicated , and we have a God who understands everything about it . Maybe God did it for my protection ? Maybe while we were looking for the keys , He was keeping me and my children from being in a situation that we weren 't meant to be in ? Maybe He was protecting my husband from harm ? Maybe something will happen when we go to buy our new set of keys ? Maybe there 's a person we 're supposed to meet or talk with ? Or maybe He just wanted us to learn a lesson in disappointment and how to deal with it ? There are a million different reasons for why things happen that we are never even aware of . God has got our back . The important part is our trusting in Him . It 's that conversation we 're supposed to be having , not the putting our coin in the slot to get what we want . We have to stop kicking the machine expecting to get our treat . God really does want to know our thoughts and feelings . He cares so much ! Last night when I was studying my Bible , I came upon this verse . I knew it was a word for me . I stopped right then and there and committed it to memory . All day long it has been running through my head . It 's given me comfort , and patience to make it through the day . Life sometimes can get me down . People let me down , but I have to choose where I 'm going to place my trust . It 's not always that people intentionally hurt you ; it just happens . We all get busy with our own lives . We forget to remember others . It hurts to be forgotten and left behind , but it doesn 't change who we are . God called me worthy . " We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding . Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord , and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit . All the while , you will grow as you learn to know God better and better . We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need . May you be filled with joy , always thanking the Father . He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people , who live in the light . For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son , who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins . " To some people , friends are more important than any blood relation you could have . To others , family means the most . If you 're wise , neither should get before your relationship with God . Not always easy though , right ? We often desire someone we can see to meet our needs . We know God is there , however , it can feel like He 's very far away at times . There are times when you need a friend to be there physically for you . To watch your kids . To help out with a project . To watch a movie . To just spend time with you . . . being there . I 've recently been a little discouraged by the actions and choices of those around me . Earlier this week God shed a little light on the subject for me . I found it extremely helpful , and wanted to share it with you . Maybe you 've had those same feelings of disappointment and hurt . The feeling of being let down , or taken advantage of . The feeling that people don 't " get " you , or they just don 't care . It hurts . In the words of my 4 year old , " That really hurt my heart . " A couple weeks ago , I paid a visit to the Goodwill store . My favorite ! I always find the greatest things there for a fraction of what they are worth . Some people might eat when they 're upset ; I look for secondhand things . It 's my weakness . This trip however , was planned for fun with my kids . I have passed on my love of " treasure hunting " to my children . We were having a use what you buy day . I love these days . Each of us gets 2 or 3 dollars to spend on whatever we want . Then we spend the rest of the day playing . We buy books , toys , movies , games . It 's so much fun ! On this particular day , I found the entire BBC ( British Broadcasting Corporation ) version of all of Jane Austen 's books . An entire set ! 6 movies in all ! Talk about a prize ! Some of these movies are very old ; made as early as 1971 . Many of these movies were televised series lasting as long as 5 hours . We 're talking hours of entertainment . Goodwill sells their DVDs for $ 3 apiece . However , I made a friend that day , and he sold them to me for $ 2 each . God is always good ! Back to my point that I 'm trying to make . The first movie I made it through was Northanger Abby . Do you realize God can speak to us through movies ? If you listen , you can hear His voice everywhere . To give you some background , the picture above is of a young lady , Isabella , who is engaged to be married . She has just found out her fiancé doesn 't have as much money as she would have liked , and it appears that she 's on the lookout for a new man . We can only assume this is her motive . A militia man comes over and asks her to dance . One might think being an engaged woman , she would refuse the offer . As you can see from the picture , she seems more than willing to oblige him . Maybe even too willing . . . Across the room , there is a judgment made between another couple . The woman , Catherine Morland , is the sister of the poor fiancé . And the man , Henry Tilney , is the brother of the militia man who asked the woman to dance . This line made such a big impression on me . In the movie , Miss Morland , very naively believes the friend could not dance with the man for any reason but one with the purest intentions . It 's what she would have done in the situation . However , the truth of the situation was , Isabella broke off her engagement to find a more suitable husband for herself , one with more wealth . We always see things with our own eyes , through our own point of view . It 's so hard to step outside of that . I am constantly reminded of this fact , and I love to hear it said in a variety of ways . I need the refresher . So many times we feel slighted by a friend because we know our own intentions . We are only seeing the situation from our own motives . We know what would cause us to act a certain way , so we put that onto others . Everyone has been raised so uniquely different . None of us are the same . Even those of us from the same family are different and have been brought up with separate feelings . Something that seems huge in our minds maybe be small in others . I 'll give an example for what I mean . To me , commitment is one of the biggest priorities in my life . I was taught growing up that a yes meant yes , and a no meant no . If you said yes , no matter how much sacrifice and dedication it took , you would follow through . For me to not follow through on something that I say would mean the absolute worst has come about . Nothing would keep me from it , unless I was feeling extremely malicious . You would not believe how many commitments I have kept even in the midst of anger . My word can be bondage , an obsession to say the least . So on the flip side of that , if someone breaks a commitment to me , I feel as if death is upon me . I see if from my point of view . How could that person stab me in the back ? It doesn 't mean the same thing to everyone . To some it 's just a word . It 's like a maybe or a probably . There is room for negotiation . We all understand and interpret our world differently . We cannot possibly assume that we all will react in the same way to everything . So the next time that you feel slighted or treated badly , stop and think about it from all possible perspectives . For the most part , your friends and family are all doing their very best to love you . Their idea of love may be different than yours . We all have different weaknesses and temptations . While it might feel like it 's done very intentionally and purposefully , that may not be the case for the person . We have to stop feeling from our own perspective . " There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears . " Philippians 1 : 6 " Don 't judge by his appearance or height , for I have rejected him . The Lord doesn 't see things the way you see them . People judge by outward appearance , but the Lord looks at the heart . " 1 Samuel 16 : 7 We had an afternoon full of laughter ; it was wonderful ! I took my children , along with my mother , to Barnes and Noble for a scavenger hunt . Our favorite thing was visiting the joke books . In fact , we enjoyed it so much , we purchased joke books for Titus and my dad . We figured they needed a good laugh . Have you ever heard or read a good story full of spoonerisms ? Sometimes my speech is full of them and it 's not even intended . It 's always done on accident ! Spoonerisms are not always done on accident . Sometimes the play on words can make a very stunny fory . Everyone is familiar with the story of Cinderella , but maybe not everyone is familiar with the story of Rindercella . . . Once apon a time , in a coreign fountry , there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella . Now , Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad blisters . Also in this same coreign fountry , there was a very prandsome hince . So , finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn 't go , so she just cat down and shried . And she was kitten there shrien , when all at once there appeared before her , her gairy mudfather . And he touched her with his wagic mand . . . and there appeared before her , a cig boach and hix white sorses to take her to the bancy fall . But he said , " Now , Rindercella , you be sure and be home before nidmight , or I 'll purn you into a tumpkin ! " When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall , this prandsome hince met her at the door because he had been watchin ' all this time behind a wooden hindow . And Rindercella and the prandsome hince nanced all dight . And they lell in fove . And all at once , the mid clock struck night . And Rindercella staced down the rairs , and just as she beached the rottom , she slopped her dripper ! So , the next day this prandsome hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper . Finally he came to Rindercella 's house . Well , he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on her two sigly usters and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit . It was exactly the sight rize ! Yesterday He gave me an illustration about sin . So many times we think about sin as big , bad , and ugly . But often it 's feels good , and seems like the right thing at the time . It 's not always even about that exact moment . It can be a symptom of a bigger issue , and we are deceived into believing it 's about right now . We may have people in our lives telling us we 're up to no good , but we don 't believe them . We are the ones right there feeling it , and dealing with it ; we want to do , what we want to do . Yesterday we had an appointment with the dentist . Zechariah had his first cavity filled . The dentist went in and fixed the problem . But when he was fixing it ; he had to numb Zechariah 's mouth so he wouldn 't feel any pain . God does the same thing for us . He sees an area where we 've made some wrong choices , or bad things have happened to us , and He wants to reach in and help us out . He must first get to the root of the problem . This can be very painful , but He uses His powerful anesthesia while He works on us . After the dentist was done , Zech came out into the waiting room with me . They told me to watch him closely because they noticed he kept biting down on his lip . This was going to result in much pain later . I constantly would get on Zech for the biting ; telling him how painful it would be in a couple of hours . He didn 't care ! He kept saying , " I like it . It feels good . " and sometimes it was , " I need to get that gum off of there . " He simply couldn 't understand the numbness his mouth was experiencing . He interpreted the only way he knew how . It was a piece of gum stuck to his mouth , and it must be removed . This went on for a few hours . They gave me extra cotton to put in his mouth , hoping it would keep him from biting down on his lip . It didn 't work . He continually chewed the cotton like it was a piece of gum . It may have protected the lip a little bit , but it was still getting chewed every now and then . The result was , hours later , he was left with a big fat lip . The picture doesn 't even do justice to the pain he inflicted on himself . The inside is completely chewed up and swollen . He 's having a hard time eating because his mouth won 't open all the way . I asked him over and over again to stop biting . I saw the blood dripping out of his mouth and understood the pain that would eventually come . Zechariah didn 't understand and he persisted in hurting himself . No matter how many reasons I gave for not biting his lip , all he cared about was that it felt good right now . He couldn 't see the long term pain it would cause him . I 'm sure you can already guess where I 'm going with this . We have this issue in our lives , something so big we can 't even fathom all the aspects of it . The wrong choices we make in our lives , the sin , is often a symptom of a larger issue . The sin is what we are doing to mask our pain . A lot of times , rather than deal with the original problem , we get a whole new set of problems . And sin can feel oh so good at the time . People around us can see the path we 're taking is going to lead where we don 't want to go , but we are blinded by the immediate symptom that is staring us in the face . We want our quick fix to make us feel better . We don 't realize the numbness is going to wear off and we 're going to be stuck with a great big fat lip ! We need to be sensitive to those around us . We could be walking around with a potentially large fat lip . What if , instead of biting down during our numbness , we figured out what was really going on inside of us ? I 'll use myself as an example . I 've told you before , my weakness is my mouth . I use my words to hurt people , a lot of time , my own children . I have a short tempter , and I yell at them without much thought . The thing is , most of the time , my short temper has nothing to do with my children . It 's a symptom . Sometimes what 's really going on is my feelings got hurt by someone else and I 'm taking it out on them . Or maybe I 'm worried about something that 's coming up in the future and it feels better to yell . Or maybe I 'm feeling guilty about something and I haven 't confessed it to God . When I yell at someone , because of some hidden pain inside of me , it 's wrong . I need to deal with my numb feeling before me and my kids both end up with a fat lip . Our sin can cause others pain too . It 's like the domino effect . I hurt them , so they hurt someone , who then goes on to hurt another person . We must be the domino that quits working . We need to work on ourselves before we inflict pain on another individual . We must stop giving ourselves a fat , swollen lip . And if you see others around you who are biting down during their numbness , gently remind them of the pain to come . We must ask God to give clarity to our lives . He is the only true anesthesia . " Could it be any clearer ? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ , a decisive end to that sin - miserable life - no longer at sin 's every beck and call ! What we believe is this : If we get included in Christ 's sin - conquering death , we also get included in his life - saving resurrection . We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death - as - the - end . Never again will death have the last word . When Jesus died , he took sin down with him , but alive he brings God down to us . From now on , think of it this way : Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you ; God speaks your mother tongue , and you hang on every word . You are dead to sin and alive to God . That 's what Jesus did . " Romans 6 : 6 - 11 It 's been one of those days . Ever have them ? Where everything seems to go wrong , and you 're just in a bad mood ? No matter how hard you try to do the right thing , stuff just doesn 't work out . Say hello to my Monday . I let the kids sleep in , which meant 11am for Gabe . 11am ! We 're talking most of the day is gone already . On the schedule for our summer fun we had planned to go to the Discovery Center , ( our hands on children 's museum full of fun and crafts ) . We finally make it there by 12pm , thinking we picked a great time . Everyone is gone to lunch . It won 't be busy at all . In fact , it was almost too quiet there . The parking lot was practically empty . Grr . . . It 's Monday . Museums are always closed on Mondays . I didn 't want to let it spoil our fun , so we all opted for our yearly trip to the museum trails for an alphabet hunt . The trails are open 7 days a week . Everything was going to be great ! We were looking on the bright side . The weather was beautiful , a little overcast , and nice cool temperatures . As we headed in the history museum 's direction , I realized we left our bug spray at home . Normally , it lives in the glove compartment of my car for purposes such as these . However , we needed it over the weekend and it didn 't get put away . I was starting to get a little cranky , but still thought it would be fine . We would swing by a gas station ; pick up some bug spray , maybe some bottles of water . Since it was lunch time I gave the kids the option of bringing McDonald 's for a picnic now , or wait until after the hunt and we would get Hawaiian ice . They wanted lunch now . Fine with me . I went to pay for my bug spray to find out it cost $ 10 ! Are you kidding me ? $ 10 for bug spray ! Grr . . . That did it ! I could feel my temperature rising . I just wanted it to be an easy going Monday . Nothing that would require a lot of work on my part . And today was supposed to be our free day of the week ! As we headed to McDonald 's I asked the kids if they need to go to the bathroom . Since it 's Monday , we wouldn 't be allowed inside the museum to use their restroom . I really didn 't want to hear a yes . I wanted easy . I was thinking drive - through . One yes . Not the end of the world , but I was feeling like we were headed in that direction . I took a deep breath and asked God for help . Nothing major had happened , but I was losing my patience very quickly . I wanted the trip to be over already . Gabriel , my young man after God 's own heart , reminded me to think about the good things . God was going to take care of us , and we were still going to have fun . This trip already had been fun for him . I barked at him . " God doesn 't always make everything good . Sometimes stuff just happens . " What an encourager I was , looking at the bright side of things . We quickly grabbed our McDonald 's and were on our way . I noticed the clouds were looking a little dark , and asked God if He would please wait until we were done hunting . Zechariah answered me , " God said , yes ! " The afternoon turned out perfectly . God spoke to me through the mouths of my children . Sometimes adults need encouragement themselves instead of always being the encourager . It was beautiful to see how my kids responded to me . They certainly didn 't let me feel sorry for myself . They changed my perspective . We had an amazing afternoon together ! During lunch we listened to our camp worship songs on my cell phone . One of them has fun actions , and we all got out of our seats and danced together . There is something so freeing about dance . We let loose out in the fields together and worshiped God . After lunch Grandma joined us for our walk through the trails . Every year we like to take a couple hours and go on an ABC hunt . We find things in nature and take pictures . Each year we try to find something different than the year before . This is getting harder and harder as more years pass . Remember how Zech told me God said , yes . Well , it wasn 't entirely yes . We had one point when we were on the trail where it rained . Luckily , we were in a tree filled area with a bench . The raindrops barely touched us , and the moment was rather peaceful . We took a break from our hunt and sat and listened to the soothing sound of raindrops falling on the leaves around . The moment was beautiful ; aside from listening to my oldest son complaining about his dire need for water . He set out a cup to catch the drops but was rather disappointed when it didn 't amount to anything . The day turned out perfectly ! And as if that wasn 't enough already , God had a bigger blessing in store for me . When we got back home , I checked my email as I often do when returning . One of my favorite websites is Tip Junkie . I love all the crafts and information that is on there . On the 4th of July , they announced they would be giving away a Silhouette Cameo plus the Studio Edition Bundle worth $ 350 . I 've always wanted one of these machines , however , there was no way with those high prices I would ever justify buying one . I almost didn 't enter because I figured it would be pointless . But something ( God ) told me , it never hurts to try . We should never stop hoping for things ! When you stop hoping and believing for the best you are in for real trouble . God is so much bigger than any hopes we could ever have . Always believe ! I 'm sure you can imagine what I 'm about to say . I won the random drawing ! I was one person out of 1 , 966 ! ! Those are some incredible odds there , but God still did it . The favor of the Lord is so amazing to me ! I was sitting here discussing how big my cup was with my oldest son . His cup is about the size of a coffee mug . Mine is probably pretty comparative to his , however , God has probably filled that cup enough to fill my entire house , all 1300 square feet . I am overwhelmed by the blessings He gives . I never feel like I deserve it ; yet He loves me enough to give beyond my simple imagination . My family has been eating this for years ! I remember my mom making it when I was younger . It 's easy to make , and tastes great ! I am all about simple . We made this for our friends last week , and got lots of compliments . Okay , the compliments were all from the same person , but who 's keeping track ? I figured it was reason enough for me to share it with all of you ! Toast the almonds and sesame seeds in oven for 5 minutes . Let cool . ( We have burned ours a couple times , and they still taste good . ) Toss ingredients together ; add chicken . The Dressing : As we were driving away from Wheatstate Camp , I texted my husband to let him know I was finally on my way home . One week can feel like a really long time when you 're apart from your family . In truth , when I was gone the only time I remembered my husband and son that were left behind was during my one hour of free time . You are kept so busy . This is a good thing ! My first moments with Zechariah didn 't go exactly as I had planned . He seemed mad at me and would hardly say anything except a quick , " I missed you . " I get that from him every time I leave so I was hoping for something a little more heartfelt . When it was getting close to bedtime , I finally got the response I needed . He was snuggled up to me in my bed . I told him he had until his dad came in the room , and then he would need to run to his own bed . You have to understand that Zechariah lives to play the game Trouble . I play this with him every single day , sometimes 2 or 3 games of it . He will even choose to play by himself . All you have to do is pick the color , and he will move all the pieces and roll the die for you . He 's obsessed ! I guess when I was gone , he tried to play the game once with Grandma , and he was less than honest in the moving of his pieces . She told him he couldn 't do it , and he was mad ! So mad , in fact , that he threw a chair over . Needless to say , he didn 't finish that game with her . " Oh , you mean at church . " About a month ago we used our class as a punishment for Zechariah . We thought he would be so bored by sitting with us in " big church " that he would be more than willing to obey so he could attend his own class . It didn 't work . He liked the extra attention of sitting between mom and dad . After something life changing like camp , you often are left with a hole when you come home . You feel different , but your life is the same . Something needs to change . When I was sitting in one of the closing rallies at camp , the speaker began to talk about when she returned to her church , and the work she does with the children . She loves kids . The more she talked ; I started to feel a jealousy creep in . I wanted that . All my life I wanted to grow up and be a mom . Now that I am one , it 's still my heart 's biggest desire . I love children . All children . My own . My friend 's kids . The kids at my children 's school . There is something so rewarding in spending time with children . You can be anyone with them . It doesn 't matter if you 're big or little , tall or short , skinny or fat , white or black . . . appearance has no weight with them . As long as you listen , be their friend , and show love to them , they will accept you just as you are . During that closing rally , God started stirring something up in me . I didn 't want camp to be the end with these kids . I wanted more time . On Sunday , I went to church . God continued to speak to me ; however , I was still feeling a little selfish . Working with kids is a big commitment . I didn 't think I was going to be ready to make it . There 's already so much I feel like I 'm doing . How could God possibly ask me to commit to one more thing . The sermon had three points to it . First , we must love those in front of us . This literally means anywhere you see a need . The second thing is we must be willing to serve those we don 't have to . Service begins where obligation ends . And the last point , the one that really hit home with me , give what you have . There are two kinds of people , givers and takers . Almost all of us believe we are the givers , when in fact , we take . Hearing a statement that had the word " worthless " in it really caught my attention . I had just struggled with that days earlier . God showed me my worth , and here I was fighting back saying , " I have nothing to give . " I was beginning to feel pretty selfish . God was asking me to give some of my time , and I was holding on to , hoarding it , as if it was mine to do with as I wished . I promised God I would listen to Him , and try to do what He said . Then moments later , I was taking it back ? ? Because it seemed like work ? So , I ran to our children 's pastor and begged him to let me help out . Right ? WRONG . I 'm pretty stubborn sometimes . I just didn 't want to make a commitment right now . I wanted to pray about it . " We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us . So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters . " 1 John 3 : 16 Giving is a sign of what God has done in us . Our money , time & talents are all ways to give . Ouch ! I was getting hit hard . Giving is a sign of what God has done in us ? I had an awesome week where I came home feeling changed , like I was a new person . I didn 't want my life to go back to the same exact way . I wanted to continue making a difference . I have always felt called to work with elementary aged kids . I believe God hand - picked me for kid 's camp this year , because this year it was time to start again . I 've been feeling a pull in that direction for the past two years . Something happened , and I got discouraged . I let the enemy take away what I felt called to do . The sad part was I didn 't even realize it . It had been sitting on the back burner for so long it had grown cold . I was convinced I was doing exactly what God wanted , yet I always felt like something was missing still . I believe God 's timing is perfect . He never pushes us . I totally stink at that . I 'm not a patient person , and when I see someone struggling I want it fixed right here , right now . So what if you got barriers , I 'm here to break them down . Aren 't you glad I have no power , and that I 'm not God ? His timing is always perfect . He gets all the pieces and He starts putting them together one by one . I jump to the end too often . I start gluing them down thinking I have a 100 piece puzzle , when God has the masterpiece over 5000 pieces . It wasn 't until the end of our discussion on Sunday evening that I was finally convinced . I knew exactly what I needed to do for this moment in my life . I 've already talked with our children 's pastor . Steps have been taken ; I have officially made the move to continue the work I began last week . I am so excited ! The most comfortable place you could ever sit is right in the middle of God 's will . Have you ever been on the outside of His will ? If you 've ever been there , I 'm sure you know what I 'm talking about . You can feel the difference . Life isn 't the same there ; it 's full of discomfort , confusion , and heartache . I 'll leave you with the final two questions I had to answer on Sunday night . What are barriers you have that can keep you from giving ? And how will you let the ideas of serving , love , and giving change the way you live tomorrow and next week ? " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " - Elevation Worship I learned something about myself this last week at kid 's camp . My flesh fails me , and that is okay . Seems rather simple , huh ? This was a huge lesson I learned ! This post is going to be a bit more personal than the last two I shared with you . God got really serious with me , and I was at a point that I could hear Him , and listen . If you remember , I told you everything we do at camp is worth points . That includes good behavior , showing up to things on time , the games we play , Bible reading and memory verses . It 's all worth something . For me at kid 's camp , the competition was a little bit difficult . I didn 't try to stress the points too much with my girls . I 'm not saying we didn 't try our best out there ; we gave it our all ! I tried to keep the focus off of winning , and placed it more on why we were there . The idea behind all the games was to have fun , not to find out who is the most athletic out of us . The idea behind the scriptures wasn 't to see who was most spiritual , but to get God 's word into our lives . I felt that we were succeeding by God 's standards . If you remember , I said this was a first time for me as a coach . I was a little overwhelmed by the end of the week just trying to keep track of all 13 of my girls . I was tired . It wasn 't until our last free time of the last night , when I remembered that I hadn 't turned our points in yet . I never had time to do it each day , and I planned to write it down all at once . When I headed over to the office , I was met with an empty wall . The chart was gone ! Someone was in the office , so I explained to them that I was a new coach , and I needed to turn in my points . Was it too late ? She sent me to another lady who was in charge . I went through the explanation again ; could I please turn in the points for my girls ? Her annoyed response was this , " The deadline has already passed . You should have been paying more attention . " Then she grabbed my piece of paper with all my information and said in a very stern voice , " This is totally worthless . Would you like me to throw it away for you ? Or would you like to do it yourself ? " Oh my goodness ! I felt like I was two inches tall . I messed up so big . I thought I was the biggest failure walking around that camp . My girls were all counting on me , and I dropped the ball . Why didn 't I pay attention more ? Why didn 't I turn my points in everyday ? As the questions and thoughts kept coming to me , an entire week of emotions flooded me . I sobbed as I ran back to my cabin . Luckily , I 'm the only one with a key , and the girls were at their free time where I 'm technically not needed . I was trying to build relationships with them so I always followed them around all week during free time . This time , I took the time for myself and did what any normal girl would do when her feelings were hurt . I called my mom . I was crushed . I felt like the woman had just called me and my girls worthless . It 's amazing how the devil can twist things around . At the time , all that kept running in my head was , " you 're totally worthless . Worthless . WORTHLESS . " In actuality , it was the paper she was referring to , but my delicate feelings couldn 't make out the difference right then . It took me the entire night to push through this . I was back with my girls , and none of them seemed the wiser . I had a good cry , and I was able to stay in the shadows for the few minutes we were together so they couldn 't see that something was bothering me . Only one of my girls was able to see my pain , and I simply told her I got my feelings hurt . Something she understood perfectly ; I had already consoled her a couple times that week . My mom had suggested I talk with the coach 's pastor , Rick , but I never would see him walking around . The only time I had contact with him was during our morning meetings , and we were leaving camp the next day . I didn 't think there was much of a chance of me running into him . About 10 minutes before lights out , we heard a knock on our door . When I opened it , who do you think it was ? There Rick stood , with a paper in hand , trying to get ready for our exit the next day . I pulled him aside , and explained what had happened . He was so encouraging to me ! He told me over and over again , thank you , for all the work I was doing . He assured me I was making a difference in these girls . I also got the reason behind the statement . He wasn 't excusing her rudeness , but he wanted me to know what she was implying . If you remember , we are competing in super teams , not individual cabins . ( I didn 't know this at the time . ) There was a super team that had basically blown all other teams out of the water they had so many points . She had already tallied things up and there was no way one cabin was going to change things . Knowing this helped a little bit . But I still felt the sting of her words . I had all my girls tucked into bed , and I headed off for a shower . I 've said it before , the shower is my sanctuary . I have my most vulnerable conversations with God there . I cried out to Him that night . I sobbed , and asked Him why ? I needed a God encounter , and I wasn 't going to bed unless I got it . I asked God over and over again , " Am I worthless ? Because tonight I sure do feel like it . " It was in my brokenness that God showed up . I couldn 't put two and two together by myself , but God spelled it out . He showed me that , yes , that paper was worthless . It doesn 't matter how I stack up to someone else , or how my girl 's cabin stacks up to another one . What matters is our heart , and where it 's at . I gave 200 % at camp , and He blessed me for it . When I cried out about my worth , God simply dropped my name before me . The previous week , I was at my book study with friends , and we were discussing what our names mean . My name is Amanda which means " worthy of being loved " . I was simply speechless . The tears ran , and my heart mended back together again . Only God can do that ! He can take what the enemy uses to destroy us , and He can turn it into something beautiful . I am so thankful that my God is bigger than any enemy out there . My God can heal a broken heart . Who else can claim that ? My flesh may fail , but , MY God , You NEVER will . I 've been saving this until the very end . This is the icing on the cake ! I was still feeling pretty bad for the girls I had let down , but God showed me that I never let them down . So what ! We didn 't get our points . We did get out of the week what we were supposed to . We developed our relationship with God and each other more . That was the goal and purpose behind camp , remember ? When I was in my sanctuary , I asked God for one thing . Could He please prove to me in some tangible way that I was doing the right thing ? That I didn 't fail this week ? It 's all good to hear from Him , and feel Him in a personal way , but I wanted proof . Have you ever done that to God ? Just asked Him to prove Himself to you ? On Thursday , all coaches have to nominate a boy or girl from their cabin who they feel best exhibited the fruits of the spirit . I didn 't miss out on this deadline ! In my cabin we had two girls who did a phenomenal job . One of the two girls was chosen last year for this award , so we felt like we should choose the other one , which happened to be my daughter , Ariel . Later in the day , all the nominees were interviewed individually by Rick and Tony ( our worship leader ) . This ends up being around 20 kids chosen out of 400 ! They narrow that down , and chose first a runner - up who is given a half scholarship to attend camp the next summer . Then they chose the 1st place girl and boy who are both given a full scholarship to camp . When it came time to announce the fruit of the spirit winners , I was so nervous . In fact , I was so nervous I didn 't even want to videotape . I knew my daughter had done well in my eyes , and I was proud of her . She was doing a great job of following in Jesus ' footsteps . I 'm kicking myself now for not getting a video . My daughter won the first place fruit of the spirit award ! ! It was then that God whispered in my ear again . You are worthy of my love . You did what I asked this week , and you made a difference in these girls lives . No competition could prove that to you . I don 't lie , and I will never fail you . I cried like a baby ! " Yeah . And I 'm a little confused because she is so mean . They must not have seen her throw that mud water at me ! " Spoken like a true brother . . . " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " Thank you , God for mending my broken heart . Give me faith to trust everything that you say . Show me how to ignore all the words that have no meaning in my life . Thank you for calling me worthy . I love you . " And where would I be without You . . . I 'd be packing my bags when I need to stay . I 'd be chasin ' every breeze that blows my way . I 'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away . It 's true . That 's me without you . " - TobyMac We had some awesome songs at kid 's camp this year ! I 've been walking around my house for the past couple of days singing to myself , and doing the motions . Why don 't adults put motions to their songs more ? It 's so fun ! I spent a week with 13 of the most amazing girls . Every moment was a gift from God . Sure there were times I was exhausted , stressed , tired , frustrated , but the good far outweighed the bad . I have never felt so useful in all my life . I felt like I was making a difference sharing God 's love with these girls ; to me the highest calling that Jesus gives . For an entire week , I listened to these girls opening up their hearts to me . I heard their pain ; I even saw it in their eyes a few times . I was able to literally put my arms around them and show them that someone is there with them . They are not alone . God loves them . For a couple girls , my heart is still breaking for what they have been through . They are in my prayers . Every night I would lie awake in my bed , waiting for sleep to come . It usually took me a couple hours to drift off . Once my adrenalin is running , and believe me , it ran at camp , it 's hard for me to calm down and sleep . I knew when I got back I would be extremely tired . Each night I rested for about 4 or 5 hours . For the couple hours it took me to relax , I would go around the room and pray for each girl in their bunk . God would bring all different things to mind that had happened throughout the day , and I would spend time interceding for these girls . Since I have been home , there are a few I still feel burdened to pray for . On Monday we arrived at the camp full of excitement and confusion . This was a first time for me as a cabin coach . I had been going as a camper for over 10 years ; however , it 's been 13 years since I 've been there . I had a learning experience this year ; I hope to go back next year as a seasoned pro ! I never experienced camp through the eyes of a coach until this past week . What a difference ! I 'm tempted to believe I actually got more out of it then they did . I got this out of the coach 's handbook which I read from cover to cover . I wanted to be prepared in all ways before I took part . " The first purpose for Kids ' Camp is to provide a safe and fun environment for kids while they have an opportunity to be exposed to truth and observe first hand , adults and other kids who have a Passion for the Truth in their lives . The second purpose is to give kids the opportunity to respond to the truth by experiencing Christ through salvation , the baptism of the Holy Spirit , both physical and spiritual healing and the manifestation of spiritual gifts and knowledge in their lives . The final purpose is to give kids a place to develop new relationships with other kids and adults who will have the potential to become lifelong friends / support . " What a big responsibility , huh ? These girls were looking to us cabin coaches as the example of what it means to follow God . This happens in so many more places than just camp . It 's a lifestyle . There are always little pairs of eyes watching your life . Make sure what they 're watching is advantageous ! Now kid 's camp is not all about spiritual things . We spend a large part of our day playing games , swimming , eating junk food , and wandering around the campus hanging out . The days are PACKED full of activity . There is actually very little downtime . I had one hour to myself each day while the kids were in the tabernacle watching the camp videos of the day and playing silly games . During free time the girls can choose to play on the inflatables , visit the rock wall , play in the tubes and slides ( similar to McDonald 's play land ) , miniature golf , play carpet ball or octoball , or watch a movie in air conditioning . My girls were always on the inflatables racing each other through the obstacle course . ( In truth , I think that 's where the cute " staff " boys hung out , and they wanted a glimpse . ) During our one hour of swim time , the girls could do the zipline , jump on the blob , or go down the water slide . I think the lines were always shortest on the zipline . To give you some facts about this campground , for us to walk to the swim beach , it 's a half mile away . So for my girls to go swimming , we had to walk literally a mile . By the end of the day , I think we were all walking between 10 and 15 miles a day . Not only did I have 13 girls to take care of , I had an alien , named Mia , I was responsible for . Being a mother , you would not believe how many times I would end up holding something and I had no idea where it came from . I was the dump spot that they knew they could count on . There were a few times at the end of the night I would have a girl approach me and ask for something out of my pocket . I would always be able to pull it out , yet many times I had no memory of how it got there . A true mother , I am . WATER ! Worth more to everyone than any gemstones you could possibly find . The week we were there , the temperature was over 100 ° every day . It even got as high as 108 ° one day . We had to be extra careful , and I was constantly pushing the girls to drink water , and get wet . There were several water spigots throughout the camp and a few sprinklers just to help keep us all hydrated . Every day we would compete in two different sporting events . Each cabin is part of a larger super team with 4 or 5 other cabins . All the super teams would play against each other individually as cabins . Points are awarded for almost everything you do at camp . The winning super team at the end of the week earns a medal for every girl or boy . The favorite game of all the girls was noodle lacrosse . I was even fortunate enough to be able to participate . For the most part coaches are just there to cheer the girls on ; they usually stay out of the games . This time we all got involved ! The point of the game was to fold your pool noodle in half , holding onto the ball in the center . You had to run to your goal box , and while standing on the outer edge , try to get the ball in the goal . The fun part , whoever has the ball in their possession , the other team gets to beat on them with their noodles . This was SO MUCH FUN ! If it wasn 't almost 110 ° outside , I would have enjoyed it even more . My lungs were burning ! Spending a week at camp was one of the most rewarding things I 've ever done , but also one of the hardest . You are with these girls 23 hours out of the day . You get one hour off , to call home , shower , or just nap . It 's all about sacrifice . We 're talking getting up in the morning , no matter if you feel like it or not , because you have 13 girls who are depending on you . Nothing is done because you " feel " like it , or because you " want " to . It 's all about doing what needs to be done . You listen to arguing and complaining , but you must stay positive . No matter how much you want to whine with the girls , you have to keep their outlook upbeat . Nothing would have gotten done if we all just sat down and had a pity party because of how we felt . We were training these girls for the future . There are always days when you have responsibilities that you don 't want to do . We want to be women who rise up to the challenge , not women who fall down and break when trouble comes our way . Every morning we would spend a couple hours in church . Some of my girls loved this ; some of my girls disliked it . It was all about perspective . I could see the love some of the girls had for God and it spilled over into their worship , prayer time , and life . They were excited about all things ! The ones , who had a tendency toward complaining , seemed to get bored easily during the service . They had adopted a negative attitude and it showed . Austin and Suzie did a phenomenal job of keeping the kids attention ! They were the comic relief of the service . The theme was Expedition Possible . Our speakers took a trip into the mountains while we looked on . On Wednesday , we talked about the Israelite 's and God 's protection with the cloud and fire . God is constantly watching over us and will protect us from the enemy , the devil . During our evening response time , we made bracelets . The first bead on the bracelet is yellow , which represents us . Then there is God , the white and red beads , representing the cloud for day and the fire by night . Last there is our enemy the black bead . As long as you have God in the middle of things , the enemy can 't get to you . I thought this was a really neat object lesson the kids could understand . Finally , on Thursday we discussed God providing for us . Every day we would have cabin devotions together , and on Thursday I led the discussion . The girls got so excited talking about all the miracles God does for us . I listened to example after example of God coming through for these girls . It was so exciting for me to see their enthusiasm . It 's RED ! He was all the kids favorite . Red had a huge crush on Suzie , and Suzie seemed to be just as fond of him . I thought it was so great to see and hear the kid 's reaction to ventriloquism . It was never explained on stage , and most of my girls had no idea how it worked . One girl asked me , " How do we hear him talk when he doesn 't have a microphone ? " When I told her , Ms . Gail did the talking for him ; she corrected me and said that Ms . Gail 's mouth never moves . At the beginning of the week , we were all strangers , by the end we were a family . I love those girls . My heart will be theirs forever . God , please bless each and every one of them today . Send someone to give them a big hug from me . Thank you for the opportunity I had of getting to know each girl . I am so glad I was obedient to you . You work all things out for good ! |
I am very happy to report that God has remembered my son again . Zechariah was very appropriately named . He is my son that shows me God 's protection time and time again . Without God , life would be so different . Thursday of last week started like any other day , but soon changed into a very different kind of day . Zechariah fell off the toilet . Sounds simple enough , and you wouldn 't think this would do much damage . However , it did . Somehow , when he was going to the bathroom and fell , his penis got stuck , and was cut pretty badly . I heard him crying from the other room and came to check on him . I didn 't figure it was anything serious . By the time I got there , his tears had stopped and he told me in a very calm rational voice , " I fell off the toilet , and my penis is bleeding . " It was said so matter of fact that I didn 't believe there was blood . I then did the thing that mothers never should . When I lifted his shirt up and saw how much blood there was , I gasped out loud with a sharp intake of breath . This set him off and he began to scream and scream . No matter how many times I said , " You 'll be okay . " He could only remember the look of horror on my face . He thought he was in serious trouble because of my reaction . In fact , he would not stop crying and I had to leave the room to call the doctor . I honestly had no idea what I was to do for him . I was afraid it needed stitches but I wasn 't sure how to go about this . Do I carry him into the hospital naked ? Do I try to get a covering for him ? I knew it wasn 't especially serious , but I thought it probably needed some attention . By the time I heard back from the doctor , I had calmed him down enough to very delicately apply some antibiotic ointment , and carefully pull up his underwear . With the promise of time on the DSi , the tears stopped flowing . Whenever the pain subsides so quickly , it always makes me question whether it really needs immediate action . I debated for two hours as to bring him in or not . He seemed perfectly fine and was running and playing again . This kid is always so tough ! When he broke his arm , I almost didn 't bring him to the doctor . He adapts so well . We all need a little bit of Zech 's stamina in our lives . No matter what has happened to him , we 've always questioned the seriousness of it because he keeps a positive outlook . Even as young as 7 months old , when he had a very serious blood infection , I couldn 't get the doctors to pay attention to him . Whenever they saw him , he was happy and smiling ; symptoms they didn 't believe a very sick baby would show . He is an example to us all ! No matter what happens , don 't let it take your joy away ! The doctor had told me he needed to be seen in ExpressCare . After an hour wait , we finally had some evaluation . The doctor took a look at it , and said , " It appears much more serious than we originally thought , and you need to bring him over to the ER for stitches and proper pain medication . " They were going to set him up right . As we were heading over to the hospital , I have to admit I was a little frustrated . This entire day was not part of my plan . I had a really fun day at the lake figured out . We were going to use plaster of Paris to make all kinds of fun sandy keepsakes . I was irritated that this accident had interrupted my day . It seems like all my plans have been altered in some way this summer . How selfish I was ! When the day was over , I was so thankful for God 's protection for Zechariah . God holds us so tenderly in the palm of His hand . Fortunately , my mom was with us , as we were supposed to be going to the lake , so she volunteered to take Ariel and Gabe to the library which is next door to the hospital . Zech and I were in for a very long wait . Even though they had called ahead , we still had another 3 hours ahead of us to go . Through it all , Zechariah was as happy as could be . He treated the entire trip like an adventure . He doesn 't visit the hospital very often , so he was happy to explore the areas we visited . When we finally had our moment with the doctor , he took one look at it and said , it definitely needed stitches and the only way he would do that is if we sedated Zech . He explained that the pain would be over - the - top and he could not put him through it without Zechariah being unconscious . I thought this seemed a little extreme given the fact that he was still running around and playing like he didn 't have a care in the world . The alternative to stitches was simply leaving it alone to heal on its own , and applying some antibiotic ointment to it . He would also have to be really careful to not reopen the wound . This would mean no baths , showers , or even getting wet . Too much water can lengthen the healing process . Because of the area of the cut , it wasn 't very susceptible to infection . The doctor also mentioned without stitching it , there was more chance of a scar , but this was still his recommended course of treatment . I opted for the alternative . Zech had already been through a painful experience and I didn 't want to put him through it again . We had our antibiotic ointment in hand , and we were on our way home . I don 't know how this fact has escaped us until this moment ; Zech is allergic to Neosporin . He broke out in hives all over his body , and his face started to swell . God still held him in the palm of His hand . Zechariah never complained once about his pain after the initial hurt . He is such a tough kid . He 's been through a lot in his life , and he has always dealt with it full of courage and bravery . He is such an inspiration to me . We spent the weekend in Wichita with my husband 's grandparents . The highlight of the trip for our kids is always to visit Riverside park with the computerized fountains . Zech was such a commendable little boy . We didn 't want him getting more than his feet wet in the fountains , and he didn 't complain a bit when we told him he had enough of the water . He sat on the bench waiting patiently for his brother and sister . He knew it was for his own good that he was taken from the fun and he went right along with it . I think we can all learn a lesson from Zechariah . " Be cheerful no matter what ; pray all the time ; thank God no matter what happens . This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live . " 1 Thessalonians 5 : 16 - 18 . When Zech couldn 't play in the fountain , he found he could play on the toys at the park . Lately I 've been noticing that Zechariah says a lot of words incorrectly and I 've been trying to teach the correct pronunciation . I don 't know if he 's having trouble hearing it , or if he just got so used to saying the words in a babyish way that he doesn 't realize it 's incorrect . One that we have a constant struggle with is " computer " . He calls it the " pooter " . This is very difficult for him . I normally take it very slowly , and make him repeat every syllable . " It 's com - pU - ter . " With help , I can get him to say " com - pooter . " He still has difficulty with the U in computer . This morning I was awoken by a very early riser . Zechariah has been getting up with his father , and he was ready to play . " Mommy , can I play on the com - laptop ? " It 's been a hard day . I planned to take my boys swimming after a relaxing picnic lunch with their dad at work . Ariel was out of town visiting my sister in Colorado . As lunch concluded rather quickly , we decided to take a walk in the area of my husband 's work . For thirty minutes we traveled about , crunching the dry grass beneath our feet . The boys enjoyed climbing through tunnels which followed under the streets above . We saw an old building which housed a church . It was a hot afternoon , but it was fun just the same . Somehow in the past thirty minutes , where we covered roughly a mile of ground , in a very haphazard direction , the keys had fallen to the ground . There was no good way to retrace our steps . My husband works on the outskirts of town where there are big open fields . It seemed to be an impossible task to find the keys . Me , trying to be a woman of faith , stopped right at the beginning and said , " Let 's pray ! I know God will show us where the keys lay . " This was serious business for my boys . We had just picked up the key to the swimming pool and it was on the lost key ring . Gabriel said a prayer that some person would find them and bring them to us in the same way that his shin guards were walked over to him in the past . I thought this was a great example again of childlike faith , however , I didn 't hold out for it happening . The longer we looked for the keys , the more desperate my prayers became . It 's 104 ° degrees outside today . The temperatures are not very forgiving for a woman who has lost her keys and needs to find them . My boys were dying in the heat , not literally of course , but you can imagine the complaints that came out of their mouths . After two hours of looking , I was defeated . I knew I had to give up . This went against everything in me . How was God going to answer my prayer if I just gave up ? I was still certain the keys would be found . It was a large area of land we covered , but we were systematic about our search . The keys had to be found . God promised me . " You can ask for anything in my name , and I will do it , so that the Son can bring glory to the Father . Yes , ask me for anything in my name , and I will do it ! " John 14 : 12 - 14 I figured this wasn 't a prayer that would hurt anyone if He answered . Surely , He cares about my keys , right ? I hated to admit my failure . I felt like I had let God down . I wanted to have a great story to share . I lost my keys , but now they are found . The odds were against me , but God came through . Wouldn 't that be awesome ? Something worthy of praise ? Unfortunately , we get disappointed when our plans are not always God 's plans . But really , what a relief ! My brain is too small to hold such a big God , and I should be okay with that . As we were making the trip back home , sunburned , tired , overheated , and crying about all that we were missing out on ; God spoke . He didn 't speak in a loud voice . He spoke through the Adventures in Odyssey we were listening to . The story had started on our way to the picnic , and on the drive home we listened to the conclusion . Of course , we can look at her prayer and see the silliness , and see why God wouldn 't answer her . But how often do we do the very same thing . We pray expecting God to answer just like a vending machine . " A vending machine for prayers . You decide on your prayer , you push a button , and the answer comes out on the bottom . There 's a button for just about everything . Money when you don 't need it . Good grades on a test you didn 't study for . The latest fashions . The newest toys . Popularity . What else should I add ? " " Is it ? " Mr . Whittaker says , " I 'll finish the machine . But it won 't work . I 'm doing it to make a point . We often think of God like a giant vending machine that will give us what we want if we just push the right buttons or if we put in enough coins . Or maybe if we kick it and shake it hard enough and long enough . God isn 't like that . " First we have to decide , what is prayer ? It 's talking with God . It 's a conversation . We don 't have conversations with vending machines . He wants to hear what you 're thinking and feeling . " " There 's a very simple reason for that . Because He loves us . Every time we ask for something , you should believe that He gives your prayer His loving attention and response . That response doesn 't always mean He 'll say yes . Sometimes He responds by saying , ' No . ' while sometimes He says , ' Wait . ' It may not always be the answer we want , but He will answer . And He 'll answer at a time that 's right for us . " I knew I was guilty of a vending machine prayer . I put the coin in the slot , pushed the button , and waited . No , I didn 't stand in one place waiting , but I was still expecting God to answer me just because I asked . I didn 't see how or why He would want to say no . I thought I just needed to be diligent enough to keep on looking . There comes a time when we must stop and wait . I don 't believe God was asking me to keep my kids out in the hot sun any longer . It was time to go home and wait . Waiting can be so difficult , especially if you are a person of action . You won 't catch me being lazy . I put my heart into whatever the job is that needs to be done . It was so hard for me to walk away from the fields and admit defeat . I was the one who got me into the mess . My husband offered to carry the keys for me , and I was too stubborn . I told him , " I 've done this before . I 'm fine . " Because the fault rested on my shoulders , I felt like I was the one who needed to fix it . Maybe I would give credit to God , or maybe I just needed to know I could do it ? What a mess we make sometimes ! Right now , I am content to wait . All things on the key ring are replaceable , and we might very well replace them . But for a little while , I 'm going to wait . I know that I am commanded at this moment to step away from the situation . God has my back . And I 'm certain He has a reason for not showing me the keys at this exact moment . The world is so complicated , and we have a God who understands everything about it . Maybe God did it for my protection ? Maybe while we were looking for the keys , He was keeping me and my children from being in a situation that we weren 't meant to be in ? Maybe He was protecting my husband from harm ? Maybe something will happen when we go to buy our new set of keys ? Maybe there 's a person we 're supposed to meet or talk with ? Or maybe He just wanted us to learn a lesson in disappointment and how to deal with it ? There are a million different reasons for why things happen that we are never even aware of . God has got our back . The important part is our trusting in Him . It 's that conversation we 're supposed to be having , not the putting our coin in the slot to get what we want . We have to stop kicking the machine expecting to get our treat . God really does want to know our thoughts and feelings . He cares so much ! Last night when I was studying my Bible , I came upon this verse . I knew it was a word for me . I stopped right then and there and committed it to memory . All day long it has been running through my head . It 's given me comfort , and patience to make it through the day . Life sometimes can get me down . People let me down , but I have to choose where I 'm going to place my trust . It 's not always that people intentionally hurt you ; it just happens . We all get busy with our own lives . We forget to remember others . It hurts to be forgotten and left behind , but it doesn 't change who we are . God called me worthy . " We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding . Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord , and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit . All the while , you will grow as you learn to know God better and better . We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need . May you be filled with joy , always thanking the Father . He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people , who live in the light . For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son , who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins . " To some people , friends are more important than any blood relation you could have . To others , family means the most . If you 're wise , neither should get before your relationship with God . Not always easy though , right ? We often desire someone we can see to meet our needs . We know God is there , however , it can feel like He 's very far away at times . There are times when you need a friend to be there physically for you . To watch your kids . To help out with a project . To watch a movie . To just spend time with you . . . being there . I 've recently been a little discouraged by the actions and choices of those around me . Earlier this week God shed a little light on the subject for me . I found it extremely helpful , and wanted to share it with you . Maybe you 've had those same feelings of disappointment and hurt . The feeling of being let down , or taken advantage of . The feeling that people don 't " get " you , or they just don 't care . It hurts . In the words of my 4 year old , " That really hurt my heart . " A couple weeks ago , I paid a visit to the Goodwill store . My favorite ! I always find the greatest things there for a fraction of what they are worth . Some people might eat when they 're upset ; I look for secondhand things . It 's my weakness . This trip however , was planned for fun with my kids . I have passed on my love of " treasure hunting " to my children . We were having a use what you buy day . I love these days . Each of us gets 2 or 3 dollars to spend on whatever we want . Then we spend the rest of the day playing . We buy books , toys , movies , games . It 's so much fun ! On this particular day , I found the entire BBC ( British Broadcasting Corporation ) version of all of Jane Austen 's books . An entire set ! 6 movies in all ! Talk about a prize ! Some of these movies are very old ; made as early as 1971 . Many of these movies were televised series lasting as long as 5 hours . We 're talking hours of entertainment . Goodwill sells their DVDs for $ 3 apiece . However , I made a friend that day , and he sold them to me for $ 2 each . God is always good ! Back to my point that I 'm trying to make . The first movie I made it through was Northanger Abby . Do you realize God can speak to us through movies ? If you listen , you can hear His voice everywhere . To give you some background , the picture above is of a young lady , Isabella , who is engaged to be married . She has just found out her fiancé doesn 't have as much money as she would have liked , and it appears that she 's on the lookout for a new man . We can only assume this is her motive . A militia man comes over and asks her to dance . One might think being an engaged woman , she would refuse the offer . As you can see from the picture , she seems more than willing to oblige him . Maybe even too willing . . . Across the room , there is a judgment made between another couple . The woman , Catherine Morland , is the sister of the poor fiancé . And the man , Henry Tilney , is the brother of the militia man who asked the woman to dance . This line made such a big impression on me . In the movie , Miss Morland , very naively believes the friend could not dance with the man for any reason but one with the purest intentions . It 's what she would have done in the situation . However , the truth of the situation was , Isabella broke off her engagement to find a more suitable husband for herself , one with more wealth . We always see things with our own eyes , through our own point of view . It 's so hard to step outside of that . I am constantly reminded of this fact , and I love to hear it said in a variety of ways . I need the refresher . So many times we feel slighted by a friend because we know our own intentions . We are only seeing the situation from our own motives . We know what would cause us to act a certain way , so we put that onto others . Everyone has been raised so uniquely different . None of us are the same . Even those of us from the same family are different and have been brought up with separate feelings . Something that seems huge in our minds maybe be small in others . I 'll give an example for what I mean . To me , commitment is one of the biggest priorities in my life . I was taught growing up that a yes meant yes , and a no meant no . If you said yes , no matter how much sacrifice and dedication it took , you would follow through . For me to not follow through on something that I say would mean the absolute worst has come about . Nothing would keep me from it , unless I was feeling extremely malicious . You would not believe how many commitments I have kept even in the midst of anger . My word can be bondage , an obsession to say the least . So on the flip side of that , if someone breaks a commitment to me , I feel as if death is upon me . I see if from my point of view . How could that person stab me in the back ? It doesn 't mean the same thing to everyone . To some it 's just a word . It 's like a maybe or a probably . There is room for negotiation . We all understand and interpret our world differently . We cannot possibly assume that we all will react in the same way to everything . So the next time that you feel slighted or treated badly , stop and think about it from all possible perspectives . For the most part , your friends and family are all doing their very best to love you . Their idea of love may be different than yours . We all have different weaknesses and temptations . While it might feel like it 's done very intentionally and purposefully , that may not be the case for the person . We have to stop feeling from our own perspective . " There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears . " Philippians 1 : 6 " Don 't judge by his appearance or height , for I have rejected him . The Lord doesn 't see things the way you see them . People judge by outward appearance , but the Lord looks at the heart . " 1 Samuel 16 : 7 We had an afternoon full of laughter ; it was wonderful ! I took my children , along with my mother , to Barnes and Noble for a scavenger hunt . Our favorite thing was visiting the joke books . In fact , we enjoyed it so much , we purchased joke books for Titus and my dad . We figured they needed a good laugh . Have you ever heard or read a good story full of spoonerisms ? Sometimes my speech is full of them and it 's not even intended . It 's always done on accident ! Spoonerisms are not always done on accident . Sometimes the play on words can make a very stunny fory . Everyone is familiar with the story of Cinderella , but maybe not everyone is familiar with the story of Rindercella . . . Once apon a time , in a coreign fountry , there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella . Now , Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad blisters . Also in this same coreign fountry , there was a very prandsome hince . So , finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn 't go , so she just cat down and shried . And she was kitten there shrien , when all at once there appeared before her , her gairy mudfather . And he touched her with his wagic mand . . . and there appeared before her , a cig boach and hix white sorses to take her to the bancy fall . But he said , " Now , Rindercella , you be sure and be home before nidmight , or I 'll purn you into a tumpkin ! " When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall , this prandsome hince met her at the door because he had been watchin ' all this time behind a wooden hindow . And Rindercella and the prandsome hince nanced all dight . And they lell in fove . And all at once , the mid clock struck night . And Rindercella staced down the rairs , and just as she beached the rottom , she slopped her dripper ! So , the next day this prandsome hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper . Finally he came to Rindercella 's house . Well , he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on her two sigly usters and it fidn 't dit . Then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit . It was exactly the sight rize ! Yesterday He gave me an illustration about sin . So many times we think about sin as big , bad , and ugly . But often it 's feels good , and seems like the right thing at the time . It 's not always even about that exact moment . It can be a symptom of a bigger issue , and we are deceived into believing it 's about right now . We may have people in our lives telling us we 're up to no good , but we don 't believe them . We are the ones right there feeling it , and dealing with it ; we want to do , what we want to do . Yesterday we had an appointment with the dentist . Zechariah had his first cavity filled . The dentist went in and fixed the problem . But when he was fixing it ; he had to numb Zechariah 's mouth so he wouldn 't feel any pain . God does the same thing for us . He sees an area where we 've made some wrong choices , or bad things have happened to us , and He wants to reach in and help us out . He must first get to the root of the problem . This can be very painful , but He uses His powerful anesthesia while He works on us . After the dentist was done , Zech came out into the waiting room with me . They told me to watch him closely because they noticed he kept biting down on his lip . This was going to result in much pain later . I constantly would get on Zech for the biting ; telling him how painful it would be in a couple of hours . He didn 't care ! He kept saying , " I like it . It feels good . " and sometimes it was , " I need to get that gum off of there . " He simply couldn 't understand the numbness his mouth was experiencing . He interpreted the only way he knew how . It was a piece of gum stuck to his mouth , and it must be removed . This went on for a few hours . They gave me extra cotton to put in his mouth , hoping it would keep him from biting down on his lip . It didn 't work . He continually chewed the cotton like it was a piece of gum . It may have protected the lip a little bit , but it was still getting chewed every now and then . The result was , hours later , he was left with a big fat lip . The picture doesn 't even do justice to the pain he inflicted on himself . The inside is completely chewed up and swollen . He 's having a hard time eating because his mouth won 't open all the way . I asked him over and over again to stop biting . I saw the blood dripping out of his mouth and understood the pain that would eventually come . Zechariah didn 't understand and he persisted in hurting himself . No matter how many reasons I gave for not biting his lip , all he cared about was that it felt good right now . He couldn 't see the long term pain it would cause him . I 'm sure you can already guess where I 'm going with this . We have this issue in our lives , something so big we can 't even fathom all the aspects of it . The wrong choices we make in our lives , the sin , is often a symptom of a larger issue . The sin is what we are doing to mask our pain . A lot of times , rather than deal with the original problem , we get a whole new set of problems . And sin can feel oh so good at the time . People around us can see the path we 're taking is going to lead where we don 't want to go , but we are blinded by the immediate symptom that is staring us in the face . We want our quick fix to make us feel better . We don 't realize the numbness is going to wear off and we 're going to be stuck with a great big fat lip ! We need to be sensitive to those around us . We could be walking around with a potentially large fat lip . What if , instead of biting down during our numbness , we figured out what was really going on inside of us ? I 'll use myself as an example . I 've told you before , my weakness is my mouth . I use my words to hurt people , a lot of time , my own children . I have a short tempter , and I yell at them without much thought . The thing is , most of the time , my short temper has nothing to do with my children . It 's a symptom . Sometimes what 's really going on is my feelings got hurt by someone else and I 'm taking it out on them . Or maybe I 'm worried about something that 's coming up in the future and it feels better to yell . Or maybe I 'm feeling guilty about something and I haven 't confessed it to God . When I yell at someone , because of some hidden pain inside of me , it 's wrong . I need to deal with my numb feeling before me and my kids both end up with a fat lip . Our sin can cause others pain too . It 's like the domino effect . I hurt them , so they hurt someone , who then goes on to hurt another person . We must be the domino that quits working . We need to work on ourselves before we inflict pain on another individual . We must stop giving ourselves a fat , swollen lip . And if you see others around you who are biting down during their numbness , gently remind them of the pain to come . We must ask God to give clarity to our lives . He is the only true anesthesia . " Could it be any clearer ? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ , a decisive end to that sin - miserable life - no longer at sin 's every beck and call ! What we believe is this : If we get included in Christ 's sin - conquering death , we also get included in his life - saving resurrection . We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death - as - the - end . Never again will death have the last word . When Jesus died , he took sin down with him , but alive he brings God down to us . From now on , think of it this way : Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you ; God speaks your mother tongue , and you hang on every word . You are dead to sin and alive to God . That 's what Jesus did . " Romans 6 : 6 - 11 It 's been one of those days . Ever have them ? Where everything seems to go wrong , and you 're just in a bad mood ? No matter how hard you try to do the right thing , stuff just doesn 't work out . Say hello to my Monday . I let the kids sleep in , which meant 11am for Gabe . 11am ! We 're talking most of the day is gone already . On the schedule for our summer fun we had planned to go to the Discovery Center , ( our hands on children 's museum full of fun and crafts ) . We finally make it there by 12pm , thinking we picked a great time . Everyone is gone to lunch . It won 't be busy at all . In fact , it was almost too quiet there . The parking lot was practically empty . Grr . . . It 's Monday . Museums are always closed on Mondays . I didn 't want to let it spoil our fun , so we all opted for our yearly trip to the museum trails for an alphabet hunt . The trails are open 7 days a week . Everything was going to be great ! We were looking on the bright side . The weather was beautiful , a little overcast , and nice cool temperatures . As we headed in the history museum 's direction , I realized we left our bug spray at home . Normally , it lives in the glove compartment of my car for purposes such as these . However , we needed it over the weekend and it didn 't get put away . I was starting to get a little cranky , but still thought it would be fine . We would swing by a gas station ; pick up some bug spray , maybe some bottles of water . Since it was lunch time I gave the kids the option of bringing McDonald 's for a picnic now , or wait until after the hunt and we would get Hawaiian ice . They wanted lunch now . Fine with me . I went to pay for my bug spray to find out it cost $ 10 ! Are you kidding me ? $ 10 for bug spray ! Grr . . . That did it ! I could feel my temperature rising . I just wanted it to be an easy going Monday . Nothing that would require a lot of work on my part . And today was supposed to be our free day of the week ! As we headed to McDonald 's I asked the kids if they need to go to the bathroom . Since it 's Monday , we wouldn 't be allowed inside the museum to use their restroom . I really didn 't want to hear a yes . I wanted easy . I was thinking drive - through . One yes . Not the end of the world , but I was feeling like we were headed in that direction . I took a deep breath and asked God for help . Nothing major had happened , but I was losing my patience very quickly . I wanted the trip to be over already . Gabriel , my young man after God 's own heart , reminded me to think about the good things . God was going to take care of us , and we were still going to have fun . This trip already had been fun for him . I barked at him . " God doesn 't always make everything good . Sometimes stuff just happens . " What an encourager I was , looking at the bright side of things . We quickly grabbed our McDonald 's and were on our way . I noticed the clouds were looking a little dark , and asked God if He would please wait until we were done hunting . Zechariah answered me , " God said , yes ! " The afternoon turned out perfectly . God spoke to me through the mouths of my children . Sometimes adults need encouragement themselves instead of always being the encourager . It was beautiful to see how my kids responded to me . They certainly didn 't let me feel sorry for myself . They changed my perspective . We had an amazing afternoon together ! During lunch we listened to our camp worship songs on my cell phone . One of them has fun actions , and we all got out of our seats and danced together . There is something so freeing about dance . We let loose out in the fields together and worshiped God . After lunch Grandma joined us for our walk through the trails . Every year we like to take a couple hours and go on an ABC hunt . We find things in nature and take pictures . Each year we try to find something different than the year before . This is getting harder and harder as more years pass . Remember how Zech told me God said , yes . Well , it wasn 't entirely yes . We had one point when we were on the trail where it rained . Luckily , we were in a tree filled area with a bench . The raindrops barely touched us , and the moment was rather peaceful . We took a break from our hunt and sat and listened to the soothing sound of raindrops falling on the leaves around . The moment was beautiful ; aside from listening to my oldest son complaining about his dire need for water . He set out a cup to catch the drops but was rather disappointed when it didn 't amount to anything . The day turned out perfectly ! And as if that wasn 't enough already , God had a bigger blessing in store for me . When we got back home , I checked my email as I often do when returning . One of my favorite websites is Tip Junkie . I love all the crafts and information that is on there . On the 4th of July , they announced they would be giving away a Silhouette Cameo plus the Studio Edition Bundle worth $ 350 . I 've always wanted one of these machines , however , there was no way with those high prices I would ever justify buying one . I almost didn 't enter because I figured it would be pointless . But something ( God ) told me , it never hurts to try . We should never stop hoping for things ! When you stop hoping and believing for the best you are in for real trouble . God is so much bigger than any hopes we could ever have . Always believe ! I 'm sure you can imagine what I 'm about to say . I won the random drawing ! I was one person out of 1 , 966 ! ! Those are some incredible odds there , but God still did it . The favor of the Lord is so amazing to me ! I was sitting here discussing how big my cup was with my oldest son . His cup is about the size of a coffee mug . Mine is probably pretty comparative to his , however , God has probably filled that cup enough to fill my entire house , all 1300 square feet . I am overwhelmed by the blessings He gives . I never feel like I deserve it ; yet He loves me enough to give beyond my simple imagination . My family has been eating this for years ! I remember my mom making it when I was younger . It 's easy to make , and tastes great ! I am all about simple . We made this for our friends last week , and got lots of compliments . Okay , the compliments were all from the same person , but who 's keeping track ? I figured it was reason enough for me to share it with all of you ! Toast the almonds and sesame seeds in oven for 5 minutes . Let cool . ( We have burned ours a couple times , and they still taste good . ) Toss ingredients together ; add chicken . The Dressing : As we were driving away from Wheatstate Camp , I texted my husband to let him know I was finally on my way home . One week can feel like a really long time when you 're apart from your family . In truth , when I was gone the only time I remembered my husband and son that were left behind was during my one hour of free time . You are kept so busy . This is a good thing ! My first moments with Zechariah didn 't go exactly as I had planned . He seemed mad at me and would hardly say anything except a quick , " I missed you . " I get that from him every time I leave so I was hoping for something a little more heartfelt . When it was getting close to bedtime , I finally got the response I needed . He was snuggled up to me in my bed . I told him he had until his dad came in the room , and then he would need to run to his own bed . You have to understand that Zechariah lives to play the game Trouble . I play this with him every single day , sometimes 2 or 3 games of it . He will even choose to play by himself . All you have to do is pick the color , and he will move all the pieces and roll the die for you . He 's obsessed ! I guess when I was gone , he tried to play the game once with Grandma , and he was less than honest in the moving of his pieces . She told him he couldn 't do it , and he was mad ! So mad , in fact , that he threw a chair over . Needless to say , he didn 't finish that game with her . " Oh , you mean at church . " About a month ago we used our class as a punishment for Zechariah . We thought he would be so bored by sitting with us in " big church " that he would be more than willing to obey so he could attend his own class . It didn 't work . He liked the extra attention of sitting between mom and dad . After something life changing like camp , you often are left with a hole when you come home . You feel different , but your life is the same . Something needs to change . When I was sitting in one of the closing rallies at camp , the speaker began to talk about when she returned to her church , and the work she does with the children . She loves kids . The more she talked ; I started to feel a jealousy creep in . I wanted that . All my life I wanted to grow up and be a mom . Now that I am one , it 's still my heart 's biggest desire . I love children . All children . My own . My friend 's kids . The kids at my children 's school . There is something so rewarding in spending time with children . You can be anyone with them . It doesn 't matter if you 're big or little , tall or short , skinny or fat , white or black . . . appearance has no weight with them . As long as you listen , be their friend , and show love to them , they will accept you just as you are . During that closing rally , God started stirring something up in me . I didn 't want camp to be the end with these kids . I wanted more time . On Sunday , I went to church . God continued to speak to me ; however , I was still feeling a little selfish . Working with kids is a big commitment . I didn 't think I was going to be ready to make it . There 's already so much I feel like I 'm doing . How could God possibly ask me to commit to one more thing . The sermon had three points to it . First , we must love those in front of us . This literally means anywhere you see a need . The second thing is we must be willing to serve those we don 't have to . Service begins where obligation ends . And the last point , the one that really hit home with me , give what you have . There are two kinds of people , givers and takers . Almost all of us believe we are the givers , when in fact , we take . Hearing a statement that had the word " worthless " in it really caught my attention . I had just struggled with that days earlier . God showed me my worth , and here I was fighting back saying , " I have nothing to give . " I was beginning to feel pretty selfish . God was asking me to give some of my time , and I was holding on to , hoarding it , as if it was mine to do with as I wished . I promised God I would listen to Him , and try to do what He said . Then moments later , I was taking it back ? ? Because it seemed like work ? So , I ran to our children 's pastor and begged him to let me help out . Right ? WRONG . I 'm pretty stubborn sometimes . I just didn 't want to make a commitment right now . I wanted to pray about it . " We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us . So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters . " 1 John 3 : 16 Giving is a sign of what God has done in us . Our money , time & talents are all ways to give . Ouch ! I was getting hit hard . Giving is a sign of what God has done in us ? I had an awesome week where I came home feeling changed , like I was a new person . I didn 't want my life to go back to the same exact way . I wanted to continue making a difference . I have always felt called to work with elementary aged kids . I believe God hand - picked me for kid 's camp this year , because this year it was time to start again . I 've been feeling a pull in that direction for the past two years . Something happened , and I got discouraged . I let the enemy take away what I felt called to do . The sad part was I didn 't even realize it . It had been sitting on the back burner for so long it had grown cold . I was convinced I was doing exactly what God wanted , yet I always felt like something was missing still . I believe God 's timing is perfect . He never pushes us . I totally stink at that . I 'm not a patient person , and when I see someone struggling I want it fixed right here , right now . So what if you got barriers , I 'm here to break them down . Aren 't you glad I have no power , and that I 'm not God ? His timing is always perfect . He gets all the pieces and He starts putting them together one by one . I jump to the end too often . I start gluing them down thinking I have a 100 piece puzzle , when God has the masterpiece over 5000 pieces . It wasn 't until the end of our discussion on Sunday evening that I was finally convinced . I knew exactly what I needed to do for this moment in my life . I 've already talked with our children 's pastor . Steps have been taken ; I have officially made the move to continue the work I began last week . I am so excited ! The most comfortable place you could ever sit is right in the middle of God 's will . Have you ever been on the outside of His will ? If you 've ever been there , I 'm sure you know what I 'm talking about . You can feel the difference . Life isn 't the same there ; it 's full of discomfort , confusion , and heartache . I 'll leave you with the final two questions I had to answer on Sunday night . What are barriers you have that can keep you from giving ? And how will you let the ideas of serving , love , and giving change the way you live tomorrow and next week ? " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " - Elevation Worship I learned something about myself this last week at kid 's camp . My flesh fails me , and that is okay . Seems rather simple , huh ? This was a huge lesson I learned ! This post is going to be a bit more personal than the last two I shared with you . God got really serious with me , and I was at a point that I could hear Him , and listen . If you remember , I told you everything we do at camp is worth points . That includes good behavior , showing up to things on time , the games we play , Bible reading and memory verses . It 's all worth something . For me at kid 's camp , the competition was a little bit difficult . I didn 't try to stress the points too much with my girls . I 'm not saying we didn 't try our best out there ; we gave it our all ! I tried to keep the focus off of winning , and placed it more on why we were there . The idea behind all the games was to have fun , not to find out who is the most athletic out of us . The idea behind the scriptures wasn 't to see who was most spiritual , but to get God 's word into our lives . I felt that we were succeeding by God 's standards . If you remember , I said this was a first time for me as a coach . I was a little overwhelmed by the end of the week just trying to keep track of all 13 of my girls . I was tired . It wasn 't until our last free time of the last night , when I remembered that I hadn 't turned our points in yet . I never had time to do it each day , and I planned to write it down all at once . When I headed over to the office , I was met with an empty wall . The chart was gone ! Someone was in the office , so I explained to them that I was a new coach , and I needed to turn in my points . Was it too late ? She sent me to another lady who was in charge . I went through the explanation again ; could I please turn in the points for my girls ? Her annoyed response was this , " The deadline has already passed . You should have been paying more attention . " Then she grabbed my piece of paper with all my information and said in a very stern voice , " This is totally worthless . Would you like me to throw it away for you ? Or would you like to do it yourself ? " Oh my goodness ! I felt like I was two inches tall . I messed up so big . I thought I was the biggest failure walking around that camp . My girls were all counting on me , and I dropped the ball . Why didn 't I pay attention more ? Why didn 't I turn my points in everyday ? As the questions and thoughts kept coming to me , an entire week of emotions flooded me . I sobbed as I ran back to my cabin . Luckily , I 'm the only one with a key , and the girls were at their free time where I 'm technically not needed . I was trying to build relationships with them so I always followed them around all week during free time . This time , I took the time for myself and did what any normal girl would do when her feelings were hurt . I called my mom . I was crushed . I felt like the woman had just called me and my girls worthless . It 's amazing how the devil can twist things around . At the time , all that kept running in my head was , " you 're totally worthless . Worthless . WORTHLESS . " In actuality , it was the paper she was referring to , but my delicate feelings couldn 't make out the difference right then . It took me the entire night to push through this . I was back with my girls , and none of them seemed the wiser . I had a good cry , and I was able to stay in the shadows for the few minutes we were together so they couldn 't see that something was bothering me . Only one of my girls was able to see my pain , and I simply told her I got my feelings hurt . Something she understood perfectly ; I had already consoled her a couple times that week . My mom had suggested I talk with the coach 's pastor , Rick , but I never would see him walking around . The only time I had contact with him was during our morning meetings , and we were leaving camp the next day . I didn 't think there was much of a chance of me running into him . About 10 minutes before lights out , we heard a knock on our door . When I opened it , who do you think it was ? There Rick stood , with a paper in hand , trying to get ready for our exit the next day . I pulled him aside , and explained what had happened . He was so encouraging to me ! He told me over and over again , thank you , for all the work I was doing . He assured me I was making a difference in these girls . I also got the reason behind the statement . He wasn 't excusing her rudeness , but he wanted me to know what she was implying . If you remember , we are competing in super teams , not individual cabins . ( I didn 't know this at the time . ) There was a super team that had basically blown all other teams out of the water they had so many points . She had already tallied things up and there was no way one cabin was going to change things . Knowing this helped a little bit . But I still felt the sting of her words . I had all my girls tucked into bed , and I headed off for a shower . I 've said it before , the shower is my sanctuary . I have my most vulnerable conversations with God there . I cried out to Him that night . I sobbed , and asked Him why ? I needed a God encounter , and I wasn 't going to bed unless I got it . I asked God over and over again , " Am I worthless ? Because tonight I sure do feel like it . " It was in my brokenness that God showed up . I couldn 't put two and two together by myself , but God spelled it out . He showed me that , yes , that paper was worthless . It doesn 't matter how I stack up to someone else , or how my girl 's cabin stacks up to another one . What matters is our heart , and where it 's at . I gave 200 % at camp , and He blessed me for it . When I cried out about my worth , God simply dropped my name before me . The previous week , I was at my book study with friends , and we were discussing what our names mean . My name is Amanda which means " worthy of being loved " . I was simply speechless . The tears ran , and my heart mended back together again . Only God can do that ! He can take what the enemy uses to destroy us , and He can turn it into something beautiful . I am so thankful that my God is bigger than any enemy out there . My God can heal a broken heart . Who else can claim that ? My flesh may fail , but , MY God , You NEVER will . I 've been saving this until the very end . This is the icing on the cake ! I was still feeling pretty bad for the girls I had let down , but God showed me that I never let them down . So what ! We didn 't get our points . We did get out of the week what we were supposed to . We developed our relationship with God and each other more . That was the goal and purpose behind camp , remember ? When I was in my sanctuary , I asked God for one thing . Could He please prove to me in some tangible way that I was doing the right thing ? That I didn 't fail this week ? It 's all good to hear from Him , and feel Him in a personal way , but I wanted proof . Have you ever done that to God ? Just asked Him to prove Himself to you ? On Thursday , all coaches have to nominate a boy or girl from their cabin who they feel best exhibited the fruits of the spirit . I didn 't miss out on this deadline ! In my cabin we had two girls who did a phenomenal job . One of the two girls was chosen last year for this award , so we felt like we should choose the other one , which happened to be my daughter , Ariel . Later in the day , all the nominees were interviewed individually by Rick and Tony ( our worship leader ) . This ends up being around 20 kids chosen out of 400 ! They narrow that down , and chose first a runner - up who is given a half scholarship to attend camp the next summer . Then they chose the 1st place girl and boy who are both given a full scholarship to camp . When it came time to announce the fruit of the spirit winners , I was so nervous . In fact , I was so nervous I didn 't even want to videotape . I knew my daughter had done well in my eyes , and I was proud of her . She was doing a great job of following in Jesus ' footsteps . I 'm kicking myself now for not getting a video . My daughter won the first place fruit of the spirit award ! ! It was then that God whispered in my ear again . You are worthy of my love . You did what I asked this week , and you made a difference in these girls lives . No competition could prove that to you . I don 't lie , and I will never fail you . I cried like a baby ! " Yeah . And I 'm a little confused because she is so mean . They must not have seen her throw that mud water at me ! " Spoken like a true brother . . . " I may be weak . But Your Spirit 's strong in me . My flesh may fail , but my God , You never will . Give me faith . To trust what You say . That You 're good , and Your love is great . I 'm broken inside . I give You my life . " Thank you , God for mending my broken heart . Give me faith to trust everything that you say . Show me how to ignore all the words that have no meaning in my life . Thank you for calling me worthy . I love you . " And where would I be without You . . . I 'd be packing my bags when I need to stay . I 'd be chasin ' every breeze that blows my way . I 'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away . It 's true . That 's me without you . " - TobyMac We had some awesome songs at kid 's camp this year ! I 've been walking around my house for the past couple of days singing to myself , and doing the motions . Why don 't adults put motions to their songs more ? It 's so fun ! I spent a week with 13 of the most amazing girls . Every moment was a gift from God . Sure there were times I was exhausted , stressed , tired , frustrated , but the good far outweighed the bad . I have never felt so useful in all my life . I felt like I was making a difference sharing God 's love with these girls ; to me the highest calling that Jesus gives . For an entire week , I listened to these girls opening up their hearts to me . I heard their pain ; I even saw it in their eyes a few times . I was able to literally put my arms around them and show them that someone is there with them . They are not alone . God loves them . For a couple girls , my heart is still breaking for what they have been through . They are in my prayers . Every night I would lie awake in my bed , waiting for sleep to come . It usually took me a couple hours to drift off . Once my adrenalin is running , and believe me , it ran at camp , it 's hard for me to calm down and sleep . I knew when I got back I would be extremely tired . Each night I rested for about 4 or 5 hours . For the couple hours it took me to relax , I would go around the room and pray for each girl in their bunk . God would bring all different things to mind that had happened throughout the day , and I would spend time interceding for these girls . Since I have been home , there are a few I still feel burdened to pray for . On Monday we arrived at the camp full of excitement and confusion . This was a first time for me as a cabin coach . I had been going as a camper for over 10 years ; however , it 's been 13 years since I 've been there . I had a learning experience this year ; I hope to go back next year as a seasoned pro ! I never experienced camp through the eyes of a coach until this past week . What a difference ! I 'm tempted to believe I actually got more out of it then they did . I got this out of the coach 's handbook which I read from cover to cover . I wanted to be prepared in all ways before I took part . " The first purpose for Kids ' Camp is to provide a safe and fun environment for kids while they have an opportunity to be exposed to truth and observe first hand , adults and other kids who have a Passion for the Truth in their lives . The second purpose is to give kids the opportunity to respond to the truth by experiencing Christ through salvation , the baptism of the Holy Spirit , both physical and spiritual healing and the manifestation of spiritual gifts and knowledge in their lives . The final purpose is to give kids a place to develop new relationships with other kids and adults who will have the potential to become lifelong friends / support . " What a big responsibility , huh ? These girls were looking to us cabin coaches as the example of what it means to follow God . This happens in so many more places than just camp . It 's a lifestyle . There are always little pairs of eyes watching your life . Make sure what they 're watching is advantageous ! Now kid 's camp is not all about spiritual things . We spend a large part of our day playing games , swimming , eating junk food , and wandering around the campus hanging out . The days are PACKED full of activity . There is actually very little downtime . I had one hour to myself each day while the kids were in the tabernacle watching the camp videos of the day and playing silly games . During free time the girls can choose to play on the inflatables , visit the rock wall , play in the tubes and slides ( similar to McDonald 's play land ) , miniature golf , play carpet ball or octoball , or watch a movie in air conditioning . My girls were always on the inflatables racing each other through the obstacle course . ( In truth , I think that 's where the cute " staff " boys hung out , and they wanted a glimpse . ) During our one hour of swim time , the girls could do the zipline , jump on the blob , or go down the water slide . I think the lines were always shortest on the zipline . To give you some facts about this campground , for us to walk to the swim beach , it 's a half mile away . So for my girls to go swimming , we had to walk literally a mile . By the end of the day , I think we were all walking between 10 and 15 miles a day . Not only did I have 13 girls to take care of , I had an alien , named Mia , I was responsible for . Being a mother , you would not believe how many times I would end up holding something and I had no idea where it came from . I was the dump spot that they knew they could count on . There were a few times at the end of the night I would have a girl approach me and ask for something out of my pocket . I would always be able to pull it out , yet many times I had no memory of how it got there . A true mother , I am . WATER ! Worth more to everyone than any gemstones you could possibly find . The week we were there , the temperature was over 100 ° every day . It even got as high as 108 ° one day . We had to be extra careful , and I was constantly pushing the girls to drink water , and get wet . There were several water spigots throughout the camp and a few sprinklers just to help keep us all hydrated . Every day we would compete in two different sporting events . Each cabin is part of a larger super team with 4 or 5 other cabins . All the super teams would play against each other individually as cabins . Points are awarded for almost everything you do at camp . The winning super team at the end of the week earns a medal for every girl or boy . The favorite game of all the girls was noodle lacrosse . I was even fortunate enough to be able to participate . For the most part coaches are just there to cheer the girls on ; they usually stay out of the games . This time we all got involved ! The point of the game was to fold your pool noodle in half , holding onto the ball in the center . You had to run to your goal box , and while standing on the outer edge , try to get the ball in the goal . The fun part , whoever has the ball in their possession , the other team gets to beat on them with their noodles . This was SO MUCH FUN ! If it wasn 't almost 110 ° outside , I would have enjoyed it even more . My lungs were burning ! Spending a week at camp was one of the most rewarding things I 've ever done , but also one of the hardest . You are with these girls 23 hours out of the day . You get one hour off , to call home , shower , or just nap . It 's all about sacrifice . We 're talking getting up in the morning , no matter if you feel like it or not , because you have 13 girls who are depending on you . Nothing is done because you " feel " like it , or because you " want " to . It 's all about doing what needs to be done . You listen to arguing and complaining , but you must stay positive . No matter how much you want to whine with the girls , you have to keep their outlook upbeat . Nothing would have gotten done if we all just sat down and had a pity party because of how we felt . We were training these girls for the future . There are always days when you have responsibilities that you don 't want to do . We want to be women who rise up to the challenge , not women who fall down and break when trouble comes our way . Every morning we would spend a couple hours in church . Some of my girls loved this ; some of my girls disliked it . It was all about perspective . I could see the love some of the girls had for God and it spilled over into their worship , prayer time , and life . They were excited about all things ! The ones , who had a tendency toward complaining , seemed to get bored easily during the service . They had adopted a negative attitude and it showed . Austin and Suzie did a phenomenal job of keeping the kids attention ! They were the comic relief of the service . The theme was Expedition Possible . Our speakers took a trip into the mountains while we looked on . On Wednesday , we talked about the Israelite 's and God 's protection with the cloud and fire . God is constantly watching over us and will protect us from the enemy , the devil . During our evening response time , we made bracelets . The first bead on the bracelet is yellow , which represents us . Then there is God , the white and red beads , representing the cloud for day and the fire by night . Last there is our enemy the black bead . As long as you have God in the middle of things , the enemy can 't get to you . I thought this was a really neat object lesson the kids could understand . Finally , on Thursday we discussed God providing for us . Every day we would have cabin devotions together , and on Thursday I led the discussion . The girls got so excited talking about all the miracles God does for us . I listened to example after example of God coming through for these girls . It was so exciting for me to see their enthusiasm . It 's RED ! He was all the kids favorite . Red had a huge crush on Suzie , and Suzie seemed to be just as fond of him . I thought it was so great to see and hear the kid 's reaction to ventriloquism . It was never explained on stage , and most of my girls had no idea how it worked . One girl asked me , " How do we hear him talk when he doesn 't have a microphone ? " When I told her , Ms . Gail did the talking for him ; she corrected me and said that Ms . Gail 's mouth never moves . At the beginning of the week , we were all strangers , by the end we were a family . I love those girls . My heart will be theirs forever . God , please bless each and every one of them today . Send someone to give them a big hug from me . Thank you for the opportunity I had of getting to know each girl . I am so glad I was obedient to you . You work all things out for good ! |
Title : In SilenceAuthor : Pairing ( s ) / character ( s ) : Sirius Black / Severus SnapeRating : NC - 17Word count : 14000Summary : Sirius is back , in his Animagus form and with amnesia . Warnings : * Some man / dog action * Disclaimer : Jo 's world , not mine . Alas ! A / N : Cassandra7 turned my writing into a readable story . As always if you like something , she made it better , and if you hate it , the responsibility is mine alone . Outside The Three Broomsticks , he 'd seen Snape and snarled . The man had stared at the scrawny black dog , gone inside , and come back out with a bowl of warm stew . He 'd broken bread into it and called the dog over . The smells , for example . At least five different people had pissed against the wall recently . He could hear the rats in the large refuse bin a few meters away . The blue door down the alley belonged to a restaurant , his nose told him , an Indian one . He had trouble keeping track of time . Days , he thought , passed since what he experienced as his first memories . He must have had a life before this , but he wasn 't sure what it had been . One warm morning he trotted through a park . There was a small pack of male dogs chasing a female in heat . He ran behind them , but it was largely for the company . He wasn 't interested , which seemed very strange . Dogs are interested . He saw him on a park bench . An older man with ginger hair , in a shabby suit , reading the paper and eating a sandwich . He knew him , his smell , and he knew they were alike . They were wizards . Not . . . Muggles . The word came to him . A Muggle , someone who was non - magical . Most of the people in the city . He didn 't see him for a few days , though he waited near the bench . The man finally appeared , in another worn suit , and he sat patiently nearby and hid while he ate his lunch . When the man got up to leave , he followed . He waited all afternoon . Then people started coming out of the building and many simply disappeared . Some walked off . Most were dressed normally , but a few of them wore long gowns . The man came out , now dressed in robes , not the suit . He didn 't know who he was , but he knew he knew this man . He could smell the knowing . " Harry ! " the man shouted as soon as he had the door open , raising his voice above the racket Madame Black 's portrait was making . " Molly ! Ron ! " The man who had brought him here was called Arthur , and his wife was Molly . Two boys , one called Ron and one , sadder and a few years older , called George . They all had red hair . The girl who started to cry when she saw him was Hermione . He listened as they talked . They were pretty sure he was him . He was a man , a wizard , they confirmed that . They kept saying , " Change back , Sirius ! " but he had no idea what they meant . He hung his head , and his tail was between his legs . He was ashamed at not being able to do what they wanted . They told him that Voldemort had been defeated earlier that summer and that Remus Lupin was dead . He didn 't know who Remus Lupin was . Or Voldemort . They told him Fred had died , too , and the boy called George turned away , and Sirius could sense his pain . Again and again they asked , they wondered , how he had gotten back from behind the Veil . Veil ? He had no idea what they were talking about . Hermione talked the least . Finally , after dinner - the best food he 'd eaten since he 'd woken up in that alley - she stirred some sugar into her tea and spoke . " I agree that this is Sirius . But there 's something else going on . " " I 'll floo Minerva , " Molly said . " She 'll need to know that Sirius has turned up somehow and that he 's in his Animagus form . Maybe she can help . " " Yes , " said Hermione . " But there 's a difference . He knew - Peter , I mean - who he was . Sirius doesn 't . Forcing him to transform back might not bring back Sirius . " " It depends on why his memories are gone , I think . If it was a knock on the head , you know , time might fix it , but , if it was a Memory Charm , who knows ? We can 't just transform him back and hope for the best . " Sirius lay down in front of the stove . He was safe and fed and very tired . They 'd work something out . He 'd gotten out of worse scrapes before . . . hadn 't he ? Yes , he had . What , exactly , he didn 't remember , but he remembered the shimmer of something like that . The next day a woman they called Minerva came . Sirius had been bathed by Harry and Ron , and he felt clean . George had dried and brushed him . He remembered her . He was a bit scared of her , and he listened carefully as she explained how to switch back into his man shape . He cocked his head and didn 't understand . He didn 't know how to do magic . " I don 't think so , Miss Granger . I don 't see any evidence of a Memory Charm . My suggestion would be to take him to St . Mungo 's tomorrow and see if someone on Ward 49 can help . " The younger people nodded , and Sirius tried to quiet the despair that was creeping up in him . He didn 't hate being in dog form , really . The smells were interesting , but he would rather be , well , himself . Harry shrugged , but Hermione answered , " The same , Professor . He sits and stares out the window . He 's . . . compliant , he changes his robes and all that , and George can get him to eat a bit - " Harry shook his head . " I 'm not good at it to begin with , and Snape is making no effort whatever . He doesn 't want to bother , I think . " She left the room and they heard her steps on the stairs . Hermione knelt on the floor next to Sirius . " ' Re - engage with life ' ? " she said . " He wants to be dead . Why bother ? He 's angry that they saved him against his will . " " I think he does need to see Snape . They 're the only two left , you know , of that whole generation . It might help . If it doesn 't , I think we need to take him to Godric 's Hollow , to Hogsmeade , to Hogwarts . The shock of strong emotions . " She bit her lip . " If none of that works , I think we need to take him to Azkaban . " They all agreed with Minerva McGonagall 's assessment : that it was not a Memory Charm or spell damage , but possibly a blow to the head that happened behind the Veil . That changing him back might have unforeseen consequences since he didn 't really know who he was or had been . For whatever reason , his mind and his body had chosen its dog form , and it was safest to work on getting his memories back . Their suggestions for that were much the same as Minerva 's : Bring him to places he 'd been , have him see people he 'd known . That night when he went to sleep curled up on his bed , he was confused and sad . He didn 't know if he 'd ever get back his human body , his past . He didn 't know if anyone could help . He didn 't remember his life , and he longed to . Sirius cringed at having to move his bowels when he was walked on a lead by Harry . He hated it . Ron and George were easier to ignore , but he refused to go out at all with Molly Weasley . He liked the exercise after the long days and nights in the house , but the other was humiliating . Sirius had vague recollections of some people . The man in the wand shop . The woman who took in laundry . A smiling older man in deep burgundy robes . A witch called Hestia Jones they said had been a member of the Order of the Phoenix , whatever that was . Sirius hated this man . He knew it . He smelled him and hated him , and he started to growl , very low , bared his teeth and snarled . The growls intensified , and Malfoy backed further away . " I wanted to talk to you about some fund - raising , Potter . Widows , orphans . One of these days , though . Not now . " He knew the man they called Snape was in the house . He had a bedroom on the second floor , and Sirius had sniffed at the door a few times . He recognised the scent and recoiled violently from the feelings it aroused . Harry , Ron , Hermione , Arthur , all of them he 'd known he liked . He despised Malfoy . Minerva McGonagall he both liked and feared . Snape he hated . They 'd told him everything they knew about his past and Snape 's , and he could see why . The vicious conflict that was not just a series of pranks . More like warfare . That the antagonism between two arrogant eleven - year - olds - brilliant , passionate , badly brought up - culminated in attempted murder ( hard to face , but there it was ) . Humiliation , public exposure , life debt , fear . That they 'd pushed Snape into lashing out at Lily , his only friend . That Snape had betrayed James and Lily to Voldemort and they 'd died . He could see why he 'd hated Snape , and he could see why Snape would hate him . It was George who took him up to see Snape . Harry and Hermione had hesitated about it , but Sunday George called to Sirius , " I 'm going to bring Snape his breakfast . Do you want to come , Sirius ? " The others froze , but , curious , Sirius padded after George . Halfway up the stairs he heard Harry , Ron , and Hermione . Their voices were full of fear . The man was sitting on a straight - backed chair by the window , staring out , an empty look on his face . His neck was slashed with scars , and Sirius wondered how he 'd survived that injury . He was dressed , as he always had been , in black , and his face was pale . George set down the tray , poured a cup of tea , and took it over to Snape . He set the cup down on the windowsill . " You remember Sirius is an Animagus ? " He sat in front of Snape , not making a sound . He stared at him . George sat on the bed . Snape looked out the window . The tea in the cup steamed . Eyes met , and Sirius felt himself pulled down into a pit of emotion . Pain and fear , despair , terror , regret . No hope , no desire . Darkness . His heart beat faster . George came with a tray for lunch , but neither Sirius nor Snape moved . He picked up both of the untouched trays . The daylight was starting to fade . " Do you want me to light the candles ? " It was almost full dark when Sirius felt Snape move . Very slowly , a hand came to rest on his head . It didn 't stroke . It just was . Snape didn 't move to eat and neither did Sirius . Snape had to eat to live , and Sirius was going to make him live . It was instinctive and powerful , and he refused to consider the possibility of this man 's being more stubborn than he was . Snape looked up , surprised . It was the first time he 'd reacted to anything any of them had said . He nodded , picked up the spoon , and slowly took a swallow of soup . Nobody stopped him when he went upstairs . He found Severus sitting in bed , emaciated in the blue pajamas . They looked at each other again . Then Severus wordlessly extinguished the candles , and Sirius wondered how he 'd done it since any of the others needed a wand and spoken words to do magic . He didn 't wonder long , though . He was tired , and he jumped up onto the bed and settled himself at Severus 's side . The sound of his claws on the stairs must have warned them that he was coming because , when he trotted into the kitchen the following morning , everyone stopped speaking . Ginny stood up , saying she had to go . She had a summer internship she referred to as Quidditch Camp . She left , and Molly got Sirius 's breakfast . George came up . He was Snape 's caretaker . He helped Snape with the daily routines of living - eating , bathing , dressing - and he mentioned to the others later in the week that Snape was starting to take some initiative . He had shaved himself that morning , careful with the straight razor around the scars . It felt the first time he 'd done that , and Molly was pleased . She 'd volunteered them to take care of Snape when he came out of St . Mungo 's , and the protests had been vehement , but she 'd won . Sirius jumped onto the bed later that night and stretched out next to the other man , his head on the second pillow . He wished they could talk . He wanted to know why . Why , if Severus hated Sirius Black , did he accept the dog ? And why did he , Sirius , why did he feel so close to Severus ? He 'd hated him . Harry and the others had been clear about that . And yet he 'd felt something connect that day , the first time he 'd seen him . That was something else Sirius did not understand . Why did he feel compelled to do these things ? Wait for Severus to start eating . Be near him . Protect him . In silence , they sat . Severus stared out the window and Sirius sat next to him . He could feel Severus attempting to break free of the swamp that seemed to be holding him . He was trying . Trying to change his direction , Sirius felt , towards life rather than death and despair . Sirius could feel Severus 's emotions , his struggle , his small successes , and his smaller setbacks . He was winning , Sirius thought . Turning around . He hoped . George moved back to his flat on Diagon Alley the previous week since Snape was more reliable about eating and getting out of bed without being prompted . He stopped by at midday to check on him , and , before she went to visit her parents , Hermione left a supply of parchment , ink , and quills for Severus to use , though Severus was working on a spell to let him write in the air in small bright letters , something nobody had bothered to do before . Harry hired a boy who lived a few streets away to walk Sirius , and this was better . Timothy also gave him another bath , and it felt wonderful to be clean . Dreams . Or nightmares . Most nights , sometimes two or three times . He could never remember them , only the overall impression of dark and fear . He 'd be terrified that he wouldn 't wake up and would hear himself scream . Each time now an arm went around him , pulling his shivering body close , holding him . No voice - that Severus did not have to give - but a soothing rumble from the man 's chest . He 'd be held close until the trembling slowed and he was able to go back to sleep . And there were nights when he was the one to give , when Severus tossed and turned in a panic , the sheets and blankets twisted , and he 'd wake up in a cold sweat , bury his face in a pillow , and curl up into himself . Then Sirius would get close , lay his head on the man 's shoulder , and nuzzle until Severus would turn his face , and he could lick his cheek . He 'd keep nudging and nuzzling until he felt Severus let go , and he wouldn 't go back to sleep until he did . They 'd had several talks , with Snape writing furiously , about how to help Sirius regain his memories , and Snape had agreed that their plan seemed best . Harry explained to Sirius that Godric 's Hollow was where James and Lily had fought Voldemort to their deaths and Lily enabled the baby Harry to damage Voldemort and survive . Harry would have preferred to Disapparate , but Sirius couldn 't and , while Severus had indicated that he could easily take Sirius along , he didn 't want to chance it . Snape was casting non - verbally , though with a wand , and Harry felt nervous entrusting Sirius 's life to him . They took the train . They walked to King 's Cross Station early in the morning and onto Platform 9 and 3 / 4 . George wasn 't going with them but had come to the station , and he and Harry picked up Sirius and got him through the wall . Sirius had been frightened as they lunged towards the brick wall , but all had gone well . After eating they walked over to the cottage where James and Lily had died . As they approached , Sirius started to whine , and Harry and Ron looked at each other with hope . Was he starting to remember something ? He wasn 't . He was reacting to Snape . Snape , whose emotions had chilled , deepened to the darkest black . His step faltered , and Sirius pressed against his leg , hoping his presence would help . They stopped in front of the house , and , while Harry and Ron asked him if he remembered where he was , if he 'd been there , and Sirius , do you . . . he only had attention for Severus . Who was clinging to the fence , his eyes wide , his breath ragged . Sirius whined again , took Severus 's sleeve in his teeth , and tugged him away from the place . He resisted at first , and then followed in a daze , and Sirius continued to pull him away . Harry and Ron led them to a plaque . It had some names on it , and Sirius could read them . He 'd be surprised about that when he had time . Ron and Harry were subdued , and Severus . . . Snape fell to his knees in front of the plaque and hid his face in his hands . Harry came to him , and Sirius turned and growled . He wanted Harry away from Severus . This place was hurting him , and Harry had wanted to come here . His growl deepened . Severus was crying . His raw sobs hurt Sirius . He growled again at Harry , then turned his back on him and Ron , and went over to Severus . He licked his face and tasted the salt of his tears , saw his pain , felt it . They ended up Apparating back to London , straight to the kitchen . Sirius had continued to growl any time Harry or Ron came within several feet of Severus . It took Severus a long time to calm down and then to calm down the dog . They were discouraged . As wizards , they saw the statues of James , Lily , and baby Harry . Sirius had seen only the plaque with names on it that Muggles saw . He didn 't sleep . Snape was lost in the depths of a despair Sirius did not understand , and Sirius could not follow him . Harry had told him that Severus had loved Lily , Harry 's mother , but Sirius could not remember loving anyone enough that many years later their memory would still tear at him . Because that was what it was , he knew . He loved his man , enemy or not , for reasons he did not understand . His life belonged to this other , his happiness was in his hands , and nothing would mean anything if they weren 't together . George came in one morning . Hermione was back . She and Ginny were headed to Hogwarts , Hermione having decided to finish her last year and sit her N . E . W . T . s . Ron and Harry would take their exams in three weeks and start Auror training in a month or so , and there was a discussion about Severus and Sirius . " Well , " said Harry , " of course . But who would take care of them ? Of Sirius , especially . He can 't talk , George . And Snape can 't , either . " " They can take care of each other . I think they 'll be fine . We 'll check on them , but I think they 'll be all right . " " I think he 's right , Harry , " said Hermione . " And maybe you can bring them to Hogsmeade next weekend . Ginny and I can meet you , and we can see if something there , maybe the Shack , jogs Sirius 's memory . " " Don 't dare presume that you will take Sirius anywhere . He is a man , not a parcel . If he wants to go , he 'll go . You do not decide . He does . " Harry turned towards the dog , towards Sirius Black , who was standing in the doorway . " I 'm sorry , Sirius . I know it 's your decision . Ginny and Hermione are leaving for Hogwarts tomorrow , you know . We think we 'll visit them in Hogsmeade next Saturday . Would you like to come ? " Severus raised an eyebrow and glanced at the book . Being Alpha . He looked more closely . It was about what it meant to be a human and the Alpha in a dog pack . They settled down . Timothy came every morning to " walk the dog . " When he got back Sirius would eat in the kitchen with Severus , and later they 'd sit and read . George asked Severus to brew potions for the joke shop , and Severus , not letting on if he was nervous , went to Diagon Alley to buy supplies with the money George had advanced him . They 'd have lunch , Severus would brew for a while , and Timothy would come back to take Sirius out again . After dinner they 'd sit in the library . The two of them , in solitude . Severus was trying to use Legilimency to communicate with the dog . A dog who could read . From a magical standpoint Sirius was a Muggle - a Squib , Snape thought , but didn 't mention - so he had no defenses against magical probing of his mind . Responding with yes and no to Severus 's questions , Sirius indicated that he had no objection . So they tried . It was frustrating . Severus explained that Sirius was a man , with a man 's mind in a dog 's brain , and the magic wasn 't working the same . He couldn 't see into Sirius 's mind , but he could , with limited success , project his own thoughts to Sirius . They walked through Hogsmeade to the Shack where Sirius thought for a moment that he caught the faint scent of himself , unwashed and upset , but that couldn 't be possible . Then the overwhelming smell of Severus 's blood took him - evil and awful - and he whined and growled and twisted on the lead . Severus took him outside and stroked his flanks until he stopped trembling . " It 's over , " he wrote . " I 'm right here . " But something had hurt him , and Sirius longed to hurt back . They had lunch at The Three Broomsticks , and afterwards they walked up to Hogwarts . It was pretty in the golden autumn light , but Severus was nervous and unhappy which meant Sirius was as well . Severus stayed alone in the antechamber off the Great Hall while the younger people walked Sirius all over the Castle . The Gryffindor Common Room felt familiar . Later they had tea with Hagrid , whom Sirius liked immediately . Fang took Sirius to roam in the forest , and Severus seemed ill at ease until Sirius was again as his feet . He buried a hand in the fur at the dog 's neck , and Sirius thought Fang looked envious . After the horror of the Shack , Sirius had enjoyed the day , but little more than that . Some scents evoked memories , but there were no great flashes of recognition . It bothered him how Harry looked at him , always hopeful . The young wizard wanted him to be something he wasn 't , that he was no longer , that he might never be again . Severus accepted him as he was . As they walked back towards the Apparition boundaries , Sirius felt glum . He was beginning to suspect that he wouldn 't regain his memories any easy way . Maybe he should find a way to tell them to take the risk of transforming him without his memories . Severus must have sensed his mood because , to Disapparate them , he knelt and took the dog in his arms . It was not a perfunctory bath , Sirius felt , like the ones Timothy gave him . Severus was caring for him . He washed him all over , getting his coat clean , and Sirius closed his eyes and let the water , the strong hands , the deep massage transport him to a place where he was not stuck in dog form , which was better than being dead , but wasn 't as good as being a man . Sirius climbed out and promptly started to shake himself while Severus grabbed his wand and attempted to cast a drying spell on Sirius . He succeeded , but not before he himself was soaking wet . Sirius grinned . The petting felt so good , and he wondered if he 'd had sex as a man . They 'd told him he was thirty - eight so he probably had , and that he 'd been training to become an Auror , whatever that was , and then gotten locked up in Azkaban . Maybe he hadn 't had time as a man . Dogs , he thought , probably started young . Why did the name Azkaban make him feel so cold ? His human mind and his dog 's brain and body were at odds . While the human Sirius was cringing in shame , the dog was rubbing his penis against Snape 's ankle . Soon he was leaking fluids , and the feeling was indescribable . He moved faster , and it felt good . He was panting and felt dizzy , and he wasn 't sure what was going to happen . How did dogs have orgasm ? He felt he should know , but maybe his dog form had never had sex . His human mind was telling him it was going to be good , good , good , and his body was confirming that . He changed his angle slightly and buried his muzzle in Severus 's crotch . The man was hard , something Sirius had not expected , and he moaned and rubbed his face there , and he expected to be shoved away , that this liberty with Severus 's leg and crotch would not be overlooked , but the man didn 't push him away . Sirius pressed and tried to do - what ? - something to get Severus to open his robe and trousers , but the wizard did not , though he let Sirius nuzzle and rub . Severus shook his head , and suddenly Sirius realised that to him , no matter how fond he was of the dog , he was , after all , a dog . As a man , he knew the prohibitions . An animal cannot give consent . But he wasn 't an animal . He moaned and moved further away . Severus fumbled for his wand and wrote in the air , his hands shaking . " Go ahead , " he wrote and extended his leg . Sirius shook his head . The joy was gone , the pleasure at being touched , and he whimpered again . The recoil had been at taking without giving . Unless it was both of them , he did not want this . Severus turned his back to him . Sirius buried his head in his paws and attempted not to growl . It hurt . It felt like a hole had opened inside him and was pulling all his happiness , all the good things of him and Severus , into it . He got off the bed . Tail between his legs , he padded downstairs to the kitchen . There he curled up next to the stove on the flagstone floor . It was cold and uncomfortable and nothing compared to how he felt inside . Severus came down early the next morning . He made himself tea , then got breakfast for Sirius . He took a few swallows of his tea and looked at Sirius . This was his cue that he should start eating , but he didn 't . He was too unhappy . His muzzle was between his paws , and he didn 't want to eat . Severus put his tea down , walked over to the dog , and knelt . Slowly Sirius inched forward . Severus put a hand on his head , and he crept forward a bit more , and then more , until his chin was on the man 's thigh . Severus stroked the silky ears , very gently , for a long time . That night they stayed close . Severus moved his leg , indicating clearly that he was willing to allow whatever Sirius wanted , but not opening himself , so Sirius didn 't consider it . He wanted . . . whatever he wanted for both of them , not only for him . Harry said one evening that he 'd gotten them special permission to visit Azkaban . They could go with him and Ron and Kingsley Shacklebolt from the Ministry the next day . There were no Dementors there anymore , and maybe the place would jog Sirius 's memory . He was trembling and sick . He did not want to go . He did not remember this place , Azkaban , this island prison , yet the name evoked horror , dread . Terror . When the dog finally relaxed , Severus pulled out his wand . He dimmed the candles , and the writing was luminescent in the semi - darkness . He moved Sirius so that his paws were on his thighs . The dog looked up at him in the darkness . He tried to put everything into that look . The despair of his silence , the fear of being trapped as a dog forever , the knowledge that he understood that the transformation might go wrong . Severus closed his eyes for a long moment . " Can we give this a year ? If we haven 't managed to get back your memories by next June , I 'll tell Minerva , she 'd be the best person , that you want her to do the spell . " That night , man and dog slept close again , and a barrier had been crossed , something said that changed things . For Sirius it was , he thought , that Severus had acknowledged his humanity by allowing him to make a decision about his own future . For Severus , it was admitting that he might lose Sirius . A Sirius with his memories intact would not see Severus as his alpha , but as someone whose throat he wanted to rip out . A Sirius with his memories back would feel what had always been between them , and this closeness wouldn 't exist after that . Sirius 's tail was between his legs as they walked towards the fortress , and Severus kept a firm hand on his head or shoulder and made sure his leg was always in contact with the dog . Ron walked on his other side . Sirius liked Ron . There was calmness around him , not an absence of fear , but a conviction that they 'd deal with whatever came up . Harry was not that way . He worried . He ran straight into a wall . He sobbed and wailed and heard was his own howls , so like those of a wolf . The smells ! Oh , Merlin , the smells ! He 'd never forget them . The smell of despair , of the loss of hope , of sickness , of emptiness , of death . Of Dementors . Someone tried to approach him , but he howled and snarled , he didn 't know who it was , he launched himself and bared his fangs at Severus . No ! Not him ! He backed off , and there was someone else , and he snapped and snarled , but it was Ron , not some monster he didn 't remember , but who haunted him in spite of that . He was shaking . Darkness pressed around him . Panic . Death . Fear . He howled and launched himself at the old stove , slamming his body against it , rolling back . He spun around , oblivious to the pain , to anything but making the darkness recede . Then Harry and Ron were lying on him again . He could only move his head . He raised it and howled , and he felt them tense on top of him . Severus was close to his face , his eyes dark , scared and worried . He looked up at Kingsley , who said , " Severus has something for you , Sirius . A potion . You need to take it . " Severus poured the potion into his water bowl . He lay down on the flagstones next to the dog , and Kingsley , Harry , and Ron exchanged a glance . Severus wrote with his wand . " Drink . It 's Dreamless Sleep and a pain potion . I 'll stay with you . " He groaned , but moved to drink , Severus at his side . He hoped it would work on the dog 's body as well as the man 's mind inside him , but he was sure Severus would do nothing to harm him . It was that knowledge that he clung to as he fell asleep . Severus was next to him when he woke . Their bedroom was dark except for Severus 's reading light . The man 's hand was resting lightly on Sirius 's head , and , when he shifted slightly , Severus looked at him , and smiled . They lay back together on the bed , and Sirius 's heart ached with longing . He desperately wanted to change shapes , to be a man again , to be able to show his love with a man 's hands and lips , with a man 's body . He understood why Severus would hesitate . The proscriptions against what he guessed they both wanted were very strong in the Wizarding world . Any world . He looked up . The reading lamp was still lit , and he could see the expression on the man 's face . The despair , the fear . It was real . Whatever affection Severus felt for the large black dog was real and deep and something he valued . The dog 's long spine was pressed to the man 's body . Severus was on his side . One arm around Sirius , he rubbed his belly , over and over , the caress both gentle and sensual . Sirius had never felt this good . He wondered if it had always been like this , if he 'd come as a dog before or only as a man . He was tingling everywhere , from his nose to his tail , and he burrowed down into the covers next to his man , wanting nothing more now than to sleep . He felt drowsy and happy and - He felt wrong . Tears were running down Severus 's face . They were the tears of longing and desire and love again , but this was different . He licked and nuzzled , and Severus turned away , trying to hide his despair . Merlin , he wished he had the words to ask , to ask why , what was the matter , it hadn 't been that bad ? And Severus had initiated . . . Was it shame ? And so they sat . The dog patient , the man staring down at his hands , his face hidden in his dark hair . An hour , two ? Sirius didn 't know . He only knew that he could wait and eventually Severus would tell him . Sirius lay in pain . He 'd hurt Severus . No , Severus was hurting , and this hurt him . But this was not something the dog could fix . The only thing he could do was to offer what he could : the warmth of his presence , his love . Everything seemed normal the next day . Timothy came to walk Sirius . Then he and Severus ate . Severus was working steadily for George now , brewing potions , and he 'd go to the small workshop they 'd set up next to the wine cellar , its cold alleviated by a tiny fireplace . Sirius would lie on a rug next to the fire and watch Severus or read . Muggle books on adventure and travel that Hermione brought him . Books on amnesia . Wizarding books on Wizarding history , on spells . Reading allowed him to escape entirely into his mind , where his dog - shaped body no longer mattered . Hermione also bought him a Muggle vocabulary book intended for children and , while it was slow and painstaking , he could put his nose on a word to show the others . It wasn 't easy communication , but it was something . Harry persuaded them to come to the Burrow for Christmas , and Molly made them comfortable . They took long walks in the countryside , and sometimes Ginny or Hermione came with them . Sirius ran free , not needing a lead . For Christmas almost everyone got him books , and Severus cast his spell on all of them so he was able to skim through them right away . He was thrilled . Molly had knitted him - not a sweater , thank Merlin - but a scarf in Gryffindor colors , and Harry tied it around his neck , and all the Gryffindors clapped , and Snape smiled tightly and opened his present from Molly which was a green and silver scarf , and he thanked her and put it around his neck , and Sirius gently tried to take it off , and they scuffled , and everyone laughed . He and Severus had gone shopping in Hogsmeade . It had been frustrating for both of them and very slow , but , using the vocabulary book , they 'd managed to get gifts for everyone . He also had Severus buy everyone sweets from him . He was pleased that everyone liked his presents . Severus nodded and fell to his knees in front of the dog . He looked at him in the eyes and wrote , " I don 't need a whistle . You 'll come if you want to . " Sirius looked at Harry . " He wants you to be able to call him . He said that he knows you know he 's a man , not a dog , but it 's important to him . To hear you . " Snape found a three - note combination that he used to call Sirius . They played with it while walking in the countryside . Sirius loved hearing the notes from far away , drifting through the winter air . It wasn 't snowing , and the snow on the ground was dirty and old . It was dreary , and winter had dragged on too long and wouldn 't let go . After buying Sirius 's books , they walked over to Gladrags to talk to the witch who managed it . She had a small cottage a few miles from Hogsmeade , near the lake , that she wanted to let for the next several years while she worked in Paris , she told them . Severus nodded and wrote that he 'd be in touch . A dog was wandering in the square in the center of town . She was filthy and skinny , all her ribs showing . Sirius went up to her , and they sniffed each other . He could see she 'd been mistreated . She had open wounds on her side ; one of them looked infected . Her coat might have been a creamy gold , but now it was dark with dirt and blood , matted in places and mangy in others . Sirius panted in sympathy , and he felt her fear and her pain . Severus leaned over towards the dog , and she shied away in fear . Sirius felt her misery . He sidled up closer to the poor dog and tried to communicate Severus , his gentleness , his kindness , that she could calm down . She was terrified , and he pressed at her , hoping to reassure her with his presence . She whined and backed away until she bumped against the wall of The Three Broomsticks . Sirius feared that , cornered , she 'd become aggressive , but she didn 't . She cowered next to the stone and cried . He 'd been here . And Snape . . . stew . Bread . The silky voice . " Go ahead , eat ! You look like you need it . " Him , on the run . Sirius Black . He knew who he was . He started to shake , and that drew Severus 's attention . He transformed into the man he was , stood shakily , and shouted , " You fucking bastard ! You - " Dizziness overcame him and he wobbled . He wasn 't used to being upright . Severus moved towards him , and he scrambled back , almost falling . " Don 't touch me , you filthy pervert ! " Witches and wizards were gathering , attracted by the commotion . Severus attempted to write , but Sirius was screaming invective at him as memories and emotions overwhelmed him . Snivellus . The threat to Remus . Lily dead . James dead . Baby Harry , wailing and bleeding . Dumbledore dead . He lurched towards Snape , intent on killing him , and the dog - the mangy , skinny beast - flung her weak body between them and snarled at him . His leg moved back to kick her in the side , and he heard a voice - Hagrid 's , he thought - say , " Sirius ! " and he stopped . There were people all around him . Snape sidestepped the dog and , before Sirius could react , wrapped his cloak around Sirius , and Sirius realised he was naked . She finished her meal . When Snape looked up , the crowds were gone . He stood and tugged at her collar , picked up the bowl and brought it back to the door of the Three Broomsticks where Madame Rosmerta had heard the news and asked him if it was true and was Sirius Black , that bad boy , back in human form , and was Severus taking that dog home , and where did he find her , and would Severus need lunch ? At the hut , Hagrid put another log on the fire and found some old clothes for Sirius . They would have been much too small for Hagrid . He said he kept them for making scarecrows . Much later , in bed in the Burrow , he grieved for Remus , his last friend . He remembered their telling him that Remus Lupin was dead . It hadn 't meant anything then . James . James . The pain came back . New and old and remembered . Losing James and Lily and what had happened - His life wasted , his best friends dead . He stayed with Molly and Arthur for a few days . On Sunday he told everyone he was going back to Grimmauld Place . " Snape will have left , " he said , and Harry confirmed that he had . He couldn 't explain it to himself . As a man , he hated Severus Snape . As a dog he had as well , though he had taken the warm bowl of stew from him that cold morning years before , too hungry to let hatred stand in the way of a meal . But the dog without his memories had loved Snape in a way Sirius could not understand . With his whole heart , willing to die for him or die with him . Snape had been everything , and Sirius would never try to explain how the man without memories trapped inside the dog was neither dog nor man , but that both had been utterly consumed by his love . He found a teacher of Legilimency , an old witch whose husband had been deaf and mute . They 'd communicated with Legilimency throughout their long marriage , and she was happy to earn some extra gold and to have someone to teach . He worked hard with her , at both Legilimency and Occlumency . Someday he 'd run into him again , and he wanted everything Snape had on his own side , too . As months passed , their efforts were more successful ; he began to be able to read her more superficial thoughts and , with great effort , to prevent her reading his . Sirius sent an owl to Minerva suggesting that she consider asking the old witch to teach Hogwarts students . It would be time better spent than at Divination , he wrote . He tried to understand what had happened between him and Snape . He couldn 't do it . There were many memories that were happy and some that were painful . And some that hurt him deeply . When you remember , you will hate me for this . Snape had been right . Sirius was horrified , ashamed of what had happened , ashamed of himself for being intimate with a man who was his enemy , ashamed for Snape who had allowed intimacy with a dog even if he was really a man . He was angry at Snape . Above all , he was angry at himself for feeling exactly what Snape had known he would feel . The love he 'd felt for Snape before his memories came back was even harder to understand . It was different than loving James and Remus had been , but it wasn 't what loving the men who 'd shared his bed in his youth had been , either . It was instinctive . It was the dog 's love , he thought . And still the man 's . Something that he would never fully grasp and never be able to explain to anyone . In June , he decided to sell the house at Grimmauld Place . He hated it and had taken a flat near George 's in Diagon Alley . He tossed and sold , and cleaned and tossed some more until the place was almost empty . He had a permanent job at the Ministry now , in the Magical Law Enforcement division . It was mostly deskwork , but he liked being involved with the post - war cleanup and with an aspect of Harry 's life . While he was working a liaison job in Paris , he met a young French wizard and they had a brief affair , spending every other summer weekend at Gilles 's steamy fifth floor flat in the Quartier Latin . In the middle of September , he was in Hogsmeade on MLE business when , outside the herbology shop , he saw a beautiful cream - coloured dog . She saw him , too , and growled . Right away Snape was there , coming out of the shop . He stopped and stared at Sirius . The dog 's growl intensified . Snape put a hand on her head , and she calmed . She looked up at Snape , her golden brown eyes full of love . Sirius felt a wave of emotion wash through him , cresting in pain , and he didn 't understand it . What in Merlin 's name was he thinking , he wondered . He hadn 't planned that . It was seeing the dog , he thought , how well - fed and clean she was . And seeing the rapport between her and Severus . And how she had remembered him and hadn 't trusted him because she knew he 'd hurt Severus and Severus was hers . And - he stopped in the square , realised what he was feeling , and forced himself to walk again . Jealousy . The emotion was jealousy . Of the bond the cream - coloured dog shared with Severus , that he had shared , too , and broken and lost . " Phoebe ? " asked Sirius with a smile , after she 'd left . The dog raised her head and looked at him , and Snape put the silver whistle to his mouth and blew it , very softly , two notes . The dog thumped her tail on the flagstones . Snape had been the one . To insist that Harry and the others remember that Sirius was a man in a dog 's body , not a dog . To allow him to make his own choices . Ask permission before doing something to him , like when they 'd tried Legilimency , man and dog . Sirius had thought a lot about that , about issues of consent , especially working in MLE where Aurors had a tendency , especially those dealing with Muggles , to Obliviate first and ask questions later . Or not . Snape turned away to look out the window . Sensing his distress , Phoebe came to him and laid her head on his knee . He started stroking her head while Sirius waited , taking a few sips of warm butterbeer . " After the snake , when they found me . I was almost dead . Very close , a matter of minutes . I tried to get them to leave me , tried to push them away , but they saved me , patched me up , despite my protests . Voiceless protests , since my vocal cords had been ripped out , though I didn 't know that then . " " I 'd started thinking about it when Dumbledore asked me to kill him . I didn 't want to , and he kept saying that that was how he wanted his death to be . And , while I was recovering from the snake 's bite , I thought a lot about death , and how all we can own is our own death , and I felt I 'd been cheated of that . As so many people are . Then I thought about all the spells they cast on me without my permission , and I started to realise that , as wizards , we don 't respect people . " " Sirius - sorry , Black . We Obliviate and Confound Muggles without thinking about it . And we do it to each other . Beings should each have control of our bodies and our memories and what is done to either . Which is what I tried to get for you . " " You did , " Sirius said . " You did , and you 've made me think about all that . Autonomy . The right of consent . I 'm working with MLE about exactly that . An end to Obliviating , anyway , as the first step . " They had tea , talking about Snape 's work for George at the joke shop . Snape had taken a more active role in the potion invention , and they worked together well . Sirius knew Snape liked George , and he asked him about that . He told Sirius that it was George who 'd given him the courage to go on . Phoebe walked over to Sirius and nudged his knee . " What do you want ? " he asked her with a smile , caressing her silky ears . She nudged him again . He was afraid and started to tremble . He hadn 't , since - he knew he could . And he knew Snape could get him back . Still , it was - did it quickly , without thinking , and transformed into the black dog . The world shifted , as it always did , a richness of smells overlying everything , a loss of colour , an intensifying of sounds . The emotions , too , were different . Simpler . Phoebe 's glee at a companion . Her excitement . Severus . His man . Severus . He whimpered . This was - was part of him , not acknowledged when he was in Sirius 's brain and mind . The pathways of the dog 's brain were different , and the love and loyalty he felt for Severus were clearer there . He felt happier than he had in months . He wagged his tail . He was home . He followed Phoebe to the door , and they went outside . It was dusk . She started to run , and he followed . They ran to the lake and into it , splashing despite the chill , and they ran on the shore , and he revelled in the simplicity of motion , the wind in his fur , and the friendly dog running next to him . He stopped to look back . Across the lake he could see the cottage . Further away in the distance , the lights of Hogsmeade and , to the north , Hogwarts castle . It was a wonderful place . He barked in joy , Phoebe joined him , and they ran further and faster . He knew , with a certainty he could not explain , what he wanted . He wanted Severus . If he 'd been able to accept the dog 's love , Sirius felt sure he could accept the man 's . The two of them and their dog . Or the man and his two dogs . It didn 't matter in the end . Or maybe it did , he thought wickedly , considering the pleasure without guilt two men could share . Then he heard it . The clear notes coming over the water . Three and two . Sirius and Phoebe . They turned at the same time , almost without stopping , and ran back towards their man . |
Disclaimer : This is a work of fiction and that of love . Any resemblance to actual places , events , or persons , living or dead , is purely coincidental . This story may contain erotic and / or sexually explicit behavior between consenting boys and / or teens . If it is illegal for you to , or you find this sort of work offensive , don 't download or read it ! The people in this story do not use protection because diseases don 't exist here . However , in our world they do so please use caution and protection . New Year 's Day was an event with parades and floats . Ben fixed a super dinner and the boys ate their fill . Sasha cuddled with Ben after everyone ate . Mo , Drew and I cleaned the kitchen up then went into the living room to watch some television . I was wiping the table when Mo came in . " Mike , you have to see this . " I went into the living room and I had to giggle at the sight . There stretched on the sofa was Ben and Sasha but Benjy and gotten up and was lying beside Sasha and all 3 were sound asleep . I decided to have Mo and Drew get their baths to get that out of the way . Mo looked at me as if he had something to ask me privately . " Mike , can we take a shower ? " The boys got undressed and headed into the bathroom . I heard the water going then a few minutes later , Mo came out with a towel wrapped around him . " Mike , I have a problem and I 'm not sure how to handle it . " Mo looked like he was having a hard time getting it off his chest . " Mo just spit it out . I 'll not make fun of you . " He smiled at me then took a deep breath . " You remember I told you that I like boys . When I saw Drew naked I got a boner and I was afraid he wouldn 't like me . I know he 's had things happen to him he didn 't like but I like him . I just don 't know how to ask him . " I was about to answer him when a voice was heard . " Mo just talk to me . You 're my friend so I won 't get mad with you and I 'll never stop liking you . " I needed to explain masturbation to him but Mo was looking at us and got a gleam in his eye . " Come on Drew , I think I can explain that too . " I nodded my head and let the boys shower and have their talk . I went back out and relaxed in my recliner . I saw Sasha start to wake up then Benjy did . Benjy got off Ben 's chest without waking him then ran to the bathroom . The next thing I knew he was on my lap talking very animated . " Mike , Mo and Drew are playing with their peepees . " I giggled because I knew what they were doing . " It 's OK son , they 're making themselves feel good . " Sasha heard Benjy 's comment then smiled as Benjy looked confused . I decided to try and explain what was happening by asking a few questions . " Benjy , when you wash your p * * * * , doesn 't it feel good and sometimes get stiff ? " Sasha got a case of the giggles and I looked down and saw what it was he found so funny . Benjy was rubbing himself through his shorts not even thinking about it . " Yeah Mike and it feels good now but then it feels like I gotta pee . " Sasha was doing the same thing but didn 't seem to think anything about it . " Benjy , you won 't pee if you keep going . You 'll get a real good feeling . " Just then Sasha started to shake and I had to wrap my arm around his waist do he wouldn 't fall . I watched as he came back from his orgasm while Benjy watched in amazement . " Sasha what happened ? " He smiled at us as he came up onto my lap . " I got that feeling Benjy . It 's really good and you 'll love it . " Mo and Drew finally came out of the bathroom and they had smiles on their faces . Benjy not being at all shy had to ask a question . " Drew , did you two get a good feeling ? " Both boys turned red and stopped in their tracks . " Boys it 's OK what you did . Benjy , it 's normal for boys to rub themselves like that . " Benjy and Sasha got down off my lap then headed to the bathroom . I followed them and Sasha was filling the tub . Benjy ran over and lifted his arms . I put the boys into the tub and waited until it was full then shut the water off . I washed their hair then left so they could have their own fun . I was about to close the door when Benjy called me . " Thanks Mike . " Ben was now awake but quickly made tracks to empty his screaming bladder . A few minutes later he returned giggling shaking his head . " You wouldn 't believe what those two are doing ? " Sasha and Benjy came out to the living room dripping wet . Mo went over to them and brought them back to the bathroom . " What has Mike and Ben said about using the towels to dry your bodies ? " Mo was upset with himself that he 'd hurt his best friend and his eyes were starting to fill with tears . " I 'm just trying to help you buddy . I know Ben is the Papa here for us just like Mike is for Drew and Benjy . " Mo wrapped his arms around Sasha and kissed him on the cheek . " I 'm sorry buddy . I 've looked out for you for so long , I forget sometimes . It 's good now we have a Papa here and we can just be kids . " Both boys snuggled into Ben . " It 's OK Mo . I don 't know what I 'd have done without you at times . Do you love Drew ? " Mo looked surprised by the bluntness of the question . " Sasha you 're like my little brother and nothing will change that . You know I love you , I tell you that every night . I like Drew a lot and it is something special I can 't really explain . Is it love ? I don 't know but it is something we both want to explore together . " I listened carefully to Mo and he didn 't sound like a 12 normal year old boy but rather like he 'd been forced to grow up faster than other boys his age . I watched Sasha lean over and hug Mo . " If you 're happy Mo then I 'm happy . " The two boys hugged then we settled in and watched television . At 10 : 30 Drew and Benjy headed to bed and I saw Mo 's eyes drop . I quickly figured out why he was acting like that . As Mo and Sasha walked past , I tapped them on the shoulder . " Mo , did you want to sleep with Drew tonight ? " He looked over at Sasha then shook his head no . Sasha hugged Mo and kissed him gently . " Sasha understands Mo . It 's OK if you want sleep with Drew . He special to you and I know you still love me . I will sleep with Benjy . I think he want me to help him get special feeling again . " I took Mo to Drew and Benjy 's room and they were just sitting on the bed . Benjy saw me walk in with the other two then ran to Sasha . " Can we sleep together tonight ? " Ben took Sasha and Benjy to their room and tucked them in as I tucked Mo and Drew in . " Sleep well boys . If you do anything , try not to wake the others . " Drew gave me hugs and kisses then winked at me . " It feels super and it 's something I really enjoy doing with Mo . For once , this is on our terms and not someone forcing either of us . " School started and Drew 's grades really improved now that he didn 't have Benjy to raise . The weekdays got routine and both of us were getting antsy while the boys were in school . Ben went to work at the hospital 's Emergency Room and I started working 2 days a week with EMS . The weekends were spent doing things with the boys . One Saturday the boys wanted to go swimming so I made a call to the resort Ben and I stayed at . The manager gave us his blessing and we spent the day frolicking in the water . We 'd been there most of the day so we decided to call it a day and get dinner out . We sent the boys into the changing room while Ben and I got some lime - aids to go . Ben just placed the order when Benjy and Sasha came running out . " There is a boy in there being hurt . " We ran to the changing room then quietly entered . We shooed Drew and Mo out when we heard two voices ; a boy and a man 's . The boy whined . " Stop it hurts . " I knew the doors didn 't have locks on them so things like this could be stopped . I yanked the door open and there was a man with his finger in the boy 's bottom . The man ripped his hand back causing the boy to wince in pain . Ben beat me to the man and yanked him out of the stall by his tee shirt causing him to slip landing on his a * * . The boy saw this and went over to him trying to protect him . I intercepted him picking him up in my arms . I carried him outside looking at Ben . " Don 't hurt him dude . " I carried him over to the pool and sat down in a lounger . " What 's going on son ? I heard what you said in there now what was he going to do ? " I lifted his chin up and smiled at him . " Dalton , I 'm Mike . My friend in the changing room is Ben . We were joined by 4 boys . " These are our boys . " Dalton looked at them then dropped his head to the ground . Drew went over and put his arm around him . " Look man , I know what it 's like to have guys do s * * t to us . So does my brother and the other boys here . I saw that guy with his finger in your a * * and I know you didn 't like it . You don 't have to protect him . " Dalton looked at Drew then at the others . " I was gonna let him put his peter in me . I 've let him do it before . It 's no big deal . " " I 'm gay too Dalton , " Mo interrupted . " Lots of boys our age fool around with boys but it doesn 't mean men can just force us to do things . " I could tell Dalton was thinking about what Mo just told him . " How old are you son ? " Dalton looked at the ground when Drew came out to him . " I 'm 14 and it 's not that bad . He 's good to me . " Drew stepped in when he heard that . " He 's good to you ? Man , if he was good to you he wouldn 't be making you do that stuff . " Ben was leading the man out of the changing room by the back of the shirt . Dalton suddenly got scared . " What 's going to happen to him ? " I gently rubbed the back of his head . " He 's going to jail . What he did was against the law and they don 't tolerate people abusing children here . If he 's American , he 'll be deported after he does his prison sentence . " Sasha and Benjy just dropped their trunks and pulled their shorts on while the two older ones took Dalton with them to change . Ben dumped the guy in a chair and gave the man a look that said he had better stay there . We took a few steps away from him so we could talk quietly . " What do you make of this ? Why wouldn 't someone want to see their abuser punished ? " Ben shook his head . " It could be a number of things , none of which I want to think about Mike . He could be the boy 's only source of money or he has something he 's holding over his head . " Now I was even more confused than before . " What could an adult hold over a kid 's head that he 'd be willing to be abused like that ? It just doesn 't make sense . Dalton admitted he was gay . " Just then the 3 boys were returning . Mo took Dalton over by Sasha and Benjy as Drew came to Ben and me . " Mike , he 's got a twin brother out there somewhere . It seems this guy is using Dalton with the promise of reuniting the two of them soon . " Drew shook his head . " Dalton 's tried Ben . He 's done everything he can think of including giving the man his butt . But I have an idea . Mike , let me use your cell phone . " I handed him the phone then watched as he ran off . He was gone about 10 minutes and he came back with a smile on his face . " Piece of cake Mike , I made a few calls and every kid on the street will be watching this guy . I 'll know every place he goes and probably when he uses the bathroom . " Mo and Dalton came over and Dalton was a nervous wreck . Drew put his arms around his shoulder and whispered into his ear . After a few minutes he seemed to relax then broke into a big grin . " Mike , Ben , thanks for all this . But I have another problem . " He looked to the ground then back into his eyes . " I need a place to stay . I was staying with some friends but that was just for a few days . " Drew slapped him on the back . " Not a problem dude . We 'll make room for you and when we find your brother , there will be room for him too . " 6 boys and 2 adults in a three bedroom house but with some rearranging it could be pulled off . " Drew 's right Dalton , you can stay with us . I 'll talk with Beth and get you in school . " Drew took Dalton over with the other boys while Ben and I went over to the jerk . Ben stood in front of him and he thought Ben was about to nail him . " Look jerk , I don 't know what you have over that kid but he 's not gonna press charges against you . " I stepped forward and he cringed again . " Since he won 't press charges , there 's no need for me to file charges because he wouldn 't testify so I guess this is your lucky day . I suggest you carry your sorry a * * the hell out of here . " The man got up and started walking away . I noticed Dalton walk over to him and they talked quietly for several minutes . The man took off for the parking lot and when I looked around , Mo and Drew were no where to be found . " Where 'd those two go ? " He smiled then turned around . We saw the two boys walking quickly towards us . I was about to admonish them when Drew stuck his hand up and there was a license plate number . " Let me borrow your cell phone again . " Dalton hung his head and started to cry . Ben kneeled down as I came up behind them . " He told me it was a good thing I didn 't press charges against him . " Now , this turn of events meant there was at least one other adult involved . Drew came running back waving his arms . " Mike , one of my friends spotted his car . It 's a couple miles from where we live but I know the area . " I kneeled down and pulled him into a hug . " Easy son , we 're not going to try anything just yet but it is good to know where this guy lives . This way , someone can keep an eye on the place to see if Dillon is there . " Dalton seemed to relax when he heard this . " I 'm sorry guys . I haven 't seen him in several weeks and this guy keeps putting me off about when I will . " It was after 5 and I was getting hungry . I knew the boys must be starved too . We went to the restaurant and ordered dinner . After we ate , we took the boys home then Dalton , Mo and Drew went back to their room to talk . Sasha and Benjy got comfy on Ben 's lap and I put on a movie . About half way through , the other 3 hadn 't returned so I decided to see what was going on . Their door wasn 't closed tightly but I was able to hear the sounds of sexual pleasure . I let the boys enjoy each other and returned to the living room . Ben looked at me and I just smiled and he had a good idea of what was going on . A few minutes later , 3 naked boys came out and snuggled together on the love seat . Mo came over and snuggled on my lap and leaned against my ear . " Dalton needed some special time with us . We also learned a quite a bit more that he hadn 't told you and Ben . " Ben stood up with Sasha and Benjy in his arms . I moved Mo then helped him put those two to bed so we could learn more about Dalton and Dillon . We returned to the living room to see the 3 boys in an animated conversation . Drew and Dalton were going at it then Drew held him by the shoulders . " Look Dalton , Mike and Ben aren 't like other guys . Yeah , they 're gay but they aren 't out to hit on boys . Do you think the 4 of us would stay here if they were ? " Dalton came over and pulled me out of my recliner and led me to the sofa . I sat down beside Ben then Dalton settled down on us . " I 'm sorry but I haven 't been totally honest with you both . Dillon and I were to be adopted when some man said he could make it happen faster . The next thing we knew , we 'd been separated and I was all alone . Then the guy you found me with today was telling me if I wanted to see him again , I would keep doing what he wanted . I just couldn 't risk him going to jail and never seeing Dillon again . " Mo and Drew were in tears as they heard this . I slid over and let Dalton slide in between Ben and me . I held my arms out as Drew came over and settled on my lap as Ben held Mo . We comforted the boys and thought about how to best handle this . By the time the boys were calm , they had also fallen asleep . Ben and I got the 3 in bad and tucked in and during that time , not one of them woke up . We locked the house up , checked on Sasha and Benjy then called it a night . I was sitting on the edge of the bed totally lost in thought . " Penny for your thoughts babe . " I shook my head trying to organize my thoughts . " If Dalton and Dillon are set to be adopted , chances are Beth is going to know something about it . The one thing that has me baffled is who the hell this mystery man is who said he make it happen faster ? " Just then panic swept through my body . " Oh Christ I hope not . He 'd be stupid enough to try and get his hands on more boys . " We did our business then crawled into bed . I closed my eyes but try as I might I couldn 't fall asleep . I 'm not sure how long I 'd laid there when I heard the door open . I could tell by the size of the shadow Dalton was standing there . I lifted the covers and Dalton crawled in . He slid over and snuggled in between Ben and I then drifted off to sleep . Sunday we kept all 5 boys busy so they didn 't have time to think about anything . On Monday we got them off to school then Ben and I went to speak with Beth . We found her in her office about to leave to make her rounds . " Mike , Ben what a pleasant surprise ; what can I do for you ? " I tried to get my thoughts out but Ben beat me to it . " We have a problem and we 're not sure how to handle it . Saturday we found a boy being molested and then begged us not to call the police . Later we learned he and his twin brother were in the process of being adopted then a man said he could help make it happen faster . " I nodded my head . " Yes but they 've been separated . We found one of them . His name is Dalton but his brother Dillon is missing . " Beth slumped in her chair . " This has been a nightmare guys . It 's true that they 're supposed to be adopted . Everything was going fine when they upped and disappeared . I thought something happened between the man and the boys . He 'd assured me it wasn 't at all like that but I was having my doubts . " She got on the phone and made a call . She slammed the phone down and put her head in her hands . We had our answer . " How the hell could that happen ? " I could see that Beth was pissed and she wasn 't one to be trifled with . " There is one Judge in town that will give alleged abusers bail but he normally sets it very high . He must have a good lawyer because not many will represent guys like him and push for bail . He 's got to be in the city because he wouldn 't risk … " " Wouldn 't risk what Beth , " I interrupted . " Having his bail revoked ? s * * t man , if he 's behind this it will . " Ben managed to get my emotions under control . " Drew 's friends have that under control right now and we 'll know something as soon as they do . Now , did you see the looks on Drew and Mo 's faces when Dalton mentioned he and Dillon were being adopted ? " Beth pulled a file out and looked thought it . " Drew and Benjy have been on the waiting list for almost 4 years now . I 'm not sure about Mo and Sasha but let 's face it , it hurts not having a family they can call their own . " She smiled at me and nodded her head . " The man that 's adopting Dillon and Dalton is a single man . I don 't know if he 's gay or not and personally I don 't care . They think the world of him and that 's what matters . I have your paperwork here so I can start getting things going . Now getting back to the twins , if I find out Jack is behind this I 'll personally cut his balls off . " Ben and I looked at each other and busted out laughing . I looked at her while putting my hands down by my crotch . " The first day I met you when Benjy was in my arms ; I thought that was going to happen when you saw him kiss me on the cheek . " Ben got serious at that moment . " I know in the states , they do a lot of things prior to adoption . Is there any way we can do this and have it be a surprise to the boys ? " Beth thought for a moment and then smiled . " I think that can be arranged . In fact , there is a larger house I want to move you all into . It 's already furnished so all that would need to be done is move your personal effects . " Just then a boy came into the office . He tapped me on the arm getting animated . " Señior Mike , we 've seen your friend 's twin . " The boy relaxed a little . " He was being led out of a house Señior by a different man . Here is the license plate of his truck and the address . It had some kind of writing on it . I think he told me it said Protect you Children . " ' Talk about a piece of work , ' I thought . I knelt down in front of the boy and put my hands on his shoulders . " I need you to think real hard now son . Did your friend tell you what this man looked like ? " He shook his head . " No Señior he didn 't . But he did say he kept telling the boy that he would tell him everything he could and could not do . " I picked him up and wiped his tears off his face . " You 're a good Jack . The man we 're talking about is a very bad man . One more question . Did your friend say where he was heading ? " The boy left and Ben and I knew a little more about Jack but we still needed to see that truck . As long as we knew about him we felt we had a small advantage . Beth spent the day filling out papers while we moved all our things into the new house . The place was huge with 5 bedrooms not counting the master suite downstairs . We got all the boys ' clothes hung up in their rooms and the electronics set up . We walked the block back to the old house and waited for our crew . The boys got there before us and they were running from room to room . We walked in as Mo went to Ben . " Papa we 've been robbed . Everything is gone . " I reached my hands out for Drew and Benjy as Ben picked up Sasha . We walked out the front door as Mo and Dalton were following us wondering what we would do now . I made sure the house was locked then we went to our new house . Ben set Sasha down and unlocked the front door . " Welcome to our new home boys . " I had to admit I liked the larger place since soon we would all be a family but I didn 't want to give up fostering boys who needed it . Drew came up and leaped into my arms . " You knew about this all along , didn 't you ? " The boys jumped on their studies while we started dinner . Once that was finished , the boys got their shower . Mo , Drew and Dalton were a trio now . I think Dalton clung to Mo because he seemed to be willing to fool around with Dalton . Drew loved watching and learning plus enjoyed the feeling he received . I heard the water shut off then Drew called me . I hurried upstairs and went in just as Mo and Dalton orgasmed . " What is that Mike ? " Time for Biology class . " Drew that 's sperm , it 's what makes a girl pregnant when a man and woman make love . It 's how a baby is made . " Drew touched Dalton 's p * * * * and got a little of his friend 's semen on his finger . " Why can 't I do it ? Is there something wrong with me ? " I wrapped a towel around him then picked him up into my arms . " There 's nothing wrong with you son . You 're just not quite old enough yet . Any time between 11 and 13 a boy will start making semen and sperm . Semen comes first then a little later , you 'll start making sperm . Don 't be surprised one time soon when you orgasm , you 'll see a little liquid come out of your p * * * * . " I got the boys dried then Sasha and Benjy got their showers . As soon as they came into the bathroom , both boys were sporting erections . " Bath or shower boys ? " I lifted the boys into the tub and set the shower for them . I pulled the curtain closed and let the boys get clean . As I was leaving , I heard both boys giggling so I figured this one would take a while . The 3 boys were back in their room so Ben and I used the time to talk . " I 'm off tomorrow and I 'm going to see if I can borrow one of the older ambulances and try and stake out that house . I would like to learn their routine . From what Drew said , the guy that was caught lives some place else . " Ben shook his head . " Mike I don 't like that idea . I 'm just afraid you 'd go and try something silly like busting into the house if he is left alone . " I had to smile at his worry because it was a tempting thought . " No man , I 'm not about to do that . But I do want to learn their routine because I 'm not about to leave those two alone for any longer than necessary . " The next day I managed to use a unit and watched them come and go several times . Each time , Jack would hold Dillon 's hand then let it go while he unlocked the back of the truck . He would put the boy in there , relock it then take off . I managed to follow them three different times and each time they went to the same place . It was a small store and Jack would be in there for about 20 minutes then come out with a small bag . The following day I had to work and when I was on a run , I noticed his truck at that same store . I made a note of the time and he was becoming a creature of habit . The next day Ben and I went in and talked with Beth again . When we were talking with her , a man came in . Beth immediately got a sinking feeling in her stomach then went to him . They talked quietly for a few minutes then they came over to us . Guys , this is Jeff Daniels . He 's the man that is looking to adopt Dillon and Dalton Farrell . " Ben and I looked at each other and we both swallowed hard . Ben nodded his head . " Yes , we managed to rescue him a few days ago . We have a good idea where Dillon is but Mike is handling that . " " The man that has him is really a creature of habit . He goes to the same store at pretty much the same times every day . I 'm off tomorrow and I think I 'm going to talk to one of the police officer 's I know so they can move in and arrest the man and get your son back . " Ben and I started shaking our heads no . " Not on your life man . First off , you 're out of your jurisdiction . Next , I don 't want Dillon spotting anyone he knows because we don 't know what might happen then . The best I can do is let you know that he 's been rescued . We 're not even telling Dalton about this because I 'm not going to get his hopes up only to have them dashed if anything goes wrong . " I thought for a moment . " When Ben and I send the boys off to school , I 'm going to talk with the police . Since he makes his first run about 10 , it will give me plenty of time to talk with the police and for them to get a team in place to arrest him . After Dillon 's safe and sound , I 'll call you . " I could tell Jeff was getting antsy as I was telling him my plan . " I just got into town man and I 'm staying in a hotel . I 'm going to want to spend some time with the boys . " Ben nodded his head . " We understand that Jeff . But Dalton has bonded some with our boys and he 's not going to want to be separated from them even though he has his brother back . Now , here is what I suggest . We just moved into a larger house . It has 6 bedrooms and only 3 of them are being used . Tonight , why don 't you come over and have dinner with us . I don 't think it would be wise if Dalton was seen outside with you . Tomorrow , Mike can call you once Dillon is safe . Now , I 'm sure he 's going to be taken over to the hospital and given a complete medical exam to see if he 's been abused . I 'm going to tell you this now but don 't be surprised if he has . " I stepped in at that point . " This guy isn 't one for getting physical with boys . He does love taking photos so chances are , he 's not been touched sexually . We won 't know until he 's been examined . " " There is something you don 't know guys , " Jeff said interrupting us . " Dillon and Dalton are both gay and are well , lovers . They told me this and personally I don 't have a problem with it . They know not to let people know about their relationship as that would create all sorts of problems for them and I wouldn 't want to see that happen . " I didn 't want this to get out of hand . " If you think admitting to being gay here and now will stop your plans for adoption you 're wrong . Ben and I are and we 're going to adopt the boys we have . I know being a gay cop can cause just as many problems for you as being gay and lovers can cause for Dillon and Dalton . " Beth pulled out the forms for all of us to sign on the adoption then Jeff went back to his hotel to get a shower . We headed home to get ready to spend an interesting evening with Jeff . While Ben started dinner , I started cleaning the house . When the boys came home from school I had them start on their homework right away because after Jeff arrived , their thoughts would not be on that . Ben came in and walked up behind me . " You should get them in the shower now so they won 't have to do that later . " I nodded my head as the 5 of them came out of their rooms . Benjy came over and lifted his arms . " We 're done with our homework Mike . " I had to quickly come up with a logical reason to send them into the shower before dinner . Benjy leaned his head onto my shoulder and I got a whiff of his hair . " Whew son , your hair smells awful . Shower time guys . " I heard the boys giggling in the shower when there was a knock on the door . Ben went over and let Jeff in . Jeff looked around admiring the place . " Nice house guys . Where 's Dalton ? " I motioned for him to follow me and we went part ways up the stairs . Jeff heard the giggles and smiled . We went back down the stairs and into the kitchen . " I should advise you of something . The boys go naked after their shower . Drew and Benjy have been doing that long before Ben and I met them now Dalton has taken to doing the same thing . " We kept our ears open then heard the water shut off . A few minutes later the door opened and 5 naked boys came bounding down the stairs . Ben , Jeff and I were sitting in the living room as they came in . Dalton was leading the way then he saw Jeff . " DADDY JEFF ! ! ! ON MY GOD , DADDY Jeff ! ! ! " Jeff opened his arms as Dalton ran to him and the others were frozen in their tracks . Drew and Mo came over to me as Sasha and Benjy went to Ben . There wasn 't a dry eye in the house as we watched Jeff and Dalton get reacquainted . " Oh Daddy they got Dillon , THEY GOT DILLON ! " Jeff knew not to say anything about tomorrow but he was finding it very difficult . " Mike told me that son . Now he has people looking for him so we have to have faith . " Dalton was almost incoherent . Ben and I were looking at each other wondering if we were going to have to intervene . I could feel Drew and Mo shaking because they were crying so hard . The little ones were both crying into Ben 's shoulder at the same time . Jeff was stroking Dalton 's hair . " Shh son , it 's going to be alright . I 'm scared for him too son . Do you trust Mike and Ben ? " Ben and I moved over and sat beside them . Ben lightly rubbed Dalton 's back then gently kissed him . " We 're all scared for him son . Everyone we know has their eyes open and they 're looking for Dillon . Please have faith son . " He sat up and looked at Ben . He held his arms out and Ben added another boy to his lap . He laid his head on Ben 's shoulder as Jeff started rubbing his back . Several minutes later , we heard Dalton 's stomach growl so Dalton was handed back to Jeff as Ben finished fixing dinner . After dinner , I ended up with Sasha and Benjy , Ben had the Drew and Mo and Dalton was cuddled with Jeff . The Mexican dinner we all had seemed to be talking back to Drew and he had a case of gas that was causing a lot more than giggles . Ben finally got up and gave him some Tumms before we put him on the front porch . At 10 : 30 we got the boys to bed then Jeff left to go back to his hotel . At 11 it was our turn to call it a night . We were both lost in thought hoping things would go as planned but finally managed to get some sleep . Ben got the boys fed then he headed off to work then I got the boys off to school . I drove to the police station and saw my friend and started telling him what was going on . " Mike , you knew about this for almost a week and you didn 't come to us ? " I put my hands up then grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing a diagram . " Relax Gene , you would have done the same thing but all your vehicles stick out like sore thumbs . I used an ambulance . No one thinks anything about them . Now , this guy parks in front of this store then goes inside . The street is pretty empty but you might want to consider getting some of your private cars out there so he can 't park by the front door . The door is at an angle so when he goes to the front door , he can 't see up the street . Now , this guy thinks he has it made . He 's been doing this for several weeks from what I 'm told so he is going to be totally relaxed . " " I managed to get close to it and it 's a cheap lock so I can pick it with no problems . I 'll be there in an ambulance so that Dillon can be taken to the hospital . What I was thinking is that as soon as he goes into the store I 'll pick the lock and talk to Dillon . When he comes out , then you can move in and talk to him . Since he 's on bail you can search him or his vehicles any time . " He went and got about five officers then took off to the store and took parking places by the store so he had no place to park by the door . I hurried and got an ambulance then parked about 50 yards from the store . Gene came up and hopped in the back and now all we could do was wait . Jack was a creature of habit and 10 : 10 he pulled up . Seeing there were cars parked on the street didn 't bother him at all . He just took the first place he came to , parked then ambled into the store . As soon as he was out of sight I ran up to the back of the truck . I took my pocket knife out and quickly had the door open . There in the back corner of the truck was the spitting image of Dalton . " W who are you ? " I smiled trying to reassure him . " Dalton told me about you . Just trust me and you 'll be out of here in about 15 minutes . The police are here and Jack will be stopped and made to open the truck . He 's on bail so they can do it anytime they wish . " He didn 't like the fact that he had to stay in the truck again but I assured him he would be 100 % safe . I hurried back to rig then Gene and a few of his men took their place . Jack came out of the store and started walking towards the truck . As soon as he opened the front door of the truck , Gene made his move . " Excuse me sir , may I see some ID ? " He handed Gene his driver 's license and he radioed headquarters . A few minutes later a voice was heard . " Jack Davis is on bail for suspected child abuse . His license is valid . " Gene put his hand on Jack 's shoulder . " Turn around and face the vehicle sir . Do you have the keys to the back of the truck ? " Two other officers appeared and Jack was now surrounded . He fumbled with the lock then opened the door . The first thing Dillon saw was Jack and he panicked . Then he heard Jack slammed against the truck and Gene stepped over to the door . " Come on Dillon , it 's over now . " As soon as I saw Dillon , I got out of the rig and ran over to them . Jack was being led away then he turned and saw me . I walked over to him and grinned . " Your a * * won 't be out on bail this time b * * * * . You can count on everyone knowing why you 're in jail too . Enjoy what 's left of your life . " I went over and held my hand out to Dillon . He and I walked hand in hand to the ambulance . I tossed Gene the keys and hopped in the back and rode with Dillon . I radioed the hospital and let them know we were on our way . When we arrived , I had him on the stretcher and there was Ben waiting directing us into an empty room . I could see Dillon was scared with all the people around . " Dillon , this is my room mate and very good friend Ben . He 's going to take very good care of you . " I looked at Ben and he smiled and nodded . I walked over to Dillon and moved his hair out of his eyes . " My name is Mike and when you 're done here , I 'll be taking you home . " I kissed his head then rubbed his back as he started to calm down . " Dalton is fine son . He 's with us . Ben and I are foster parents and we have 4 boys . " He gave me a tight hug then latched onto Ben for dear life . I went out and called Beth then Jeff . It took almost 15 minutes to finally get Jeff calmed down as I heard him crying tears of relief and happiness . " Thank you Mike , thank you and your friends for everything . " I gave him our address again and told him I 'd call as we were leaving the hospital . We arrived just after 11 and after Dillon was carefully looked over we were out of there just after 2 . I called Jeff then we headed home . Before we could get out the door , Dillon had to find Ben one more time . " Thanks Ben , will you be home soon ? " I laughed at the way he said it . " Well yeah it is but there are also 5 others staying here too . There are Drew and his little brother Benjy , Mo and his best friend Sasha then Dalton . " Just then there was a knock on the door . I pretended to have to go to the bathroom . " Dillon , can you answer that . I think I know who it is so they can come in . " I watched as Dillon launched himself into Jeff 's arms . " Oh son , I 'm so glad you 're safe now . When Mike told me what happened I just wanted to get you myself . " Just then Ben walked in . He had gotten home early and saw the reunion from outside . All of us had tears in our eyes . We sat down and I filled Jeff in on Dillon 's exam . He was fine and had not been molested sexually by Jack . We got our emotions under control then waited as it was going to happen one more time when Dalton got home . About 5 minutes before they were due home , we made room on the couch as Dillon hadn 't moved off Jeff 's lap . As soon as the front door opened , Dillon moved so there would be room for Dalton . The boys came in and were chattering up a storm until Dalton saw Jeff and Dillon . " OH MY GOD DILLON ! " Dalton dropped his books on the floor and ran into 4 waiting arms . Ben and I went to our boys and held them as they were crying seeing Dillon and Dalton reunited with their soon to be adopted Dad . After everyone 's emotions were under control , I got everyone 's attention . " Now boys , I know the biggest question you have is where will everyone stay ? It wouldn 't be practical for Jeff to be staying in a hotel because you couldn 't stay there with him . " I picked him up and kissed his nose . " That was the plan little one . Jeff can have one room and the twins can have the other . It looks like we have almost a full house again . " Ben and Jeff fixed a great feast for us . After dinner , Drew and Mo headed for the shower then came out in their usual nothing . They stopped quickly when they saw Jeff sitting there . I giggled and motioned them to my side . " Guys , remember that Jeff saw you after your shower yesterday . You haven 't grown something new that we all haven 't seen , have you ? " After the other 4 got showered , we had a quiet evening at home . Time passed and Ben and I could see that Jeff was going to be a super Dad to the twins . Just before spring break Beth came over . All 6 boys came and greeted her with hugs and Benjy had to get his usual kiss . " Why are you here Miss Beth ? " Beth set Benjy down then ruffled his hair . " Well you know Jeff is adopting the twins . I 'm just here to talk with him about it , that 's all . Dillon and Dalton , I would like you two to be there . " The other 4 walked back out front and sat down as Beth came in with Dillon and Dalton . Beth went over the paperwork and talked with the twins to be sure they still wanted Jeff to be their new Dad . As they came back into the living room , I saw the twins whispering between themselves . Dalton stood in front of Ben and I then put his hand on his hips . " I don 't know quite how to say this so I 'm just going to do like you Mike and spit it out . You know there are 4 boys out there wishing like crazy that you would adopt them . Sasha calls you Papa , Ben . Drew and Benjy fight so hard to keep from calling you Daddy Mike . They all love you guys . " Ben and I looked around trying to figure out what to do . I knew there was no way we could not say anything and hope it would just be forgotten . Ben shrugged his shoulders . " Ok guys , what is said in here MUST stay in here . " Dillon and Dalton nodded their head then Ben cleared his throat . " Guys , we are going to adopt them . Beth has all the papers filled out . The day Jeff and you both go to court , we 're going to be there too but instead of 1 adoption , there will be 3 . " We managed to keep the twins from spilling the beans during the evening . The next morning , I got our 4 aside . " You guys aren 't going to school today . I thought you 'd like to be there when Dillon and Dalton 's adoption was heard . " The boys nodded their heads in agreement but I could tell they weren 't totally happy . We got ours loaded into the van and headed off to the courthouse . We all sat there for what seemed like an eternity then a lady came in . " All rise , this court is now in session . " The Judge made another notation . " Since everyone is in agreement , it is the order of this court and Dillon and Dalton Farrell are hereby adopted by Jeff Daniels . It is further ordered that they shall have the same sir name as their father . " Drew managed to get the door open and went out . " Why Drew ? Where you going to go ? Hasn 't Mike and Ben been good to us ? We don 't have to worry about anything now . WHY ? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ? " Drew stopped and looked at his little brother who was now in tears . Drew came back and hugged him . " You don 't understand do you ? Mike is very good to us as Ben is good to Mo and Sasha but it 's not the same . Look at what the twins have now . " " So what , " Drew shouted . " They were gonna be adopted . But you still don 't get it do you . Benjy , I want a family . I want someone who wants us . " Just then the twins came out . They went over to the boys and Dalton grabbed Drew by the shoulders . " Just what in the hell are you doing ? " Drew tried to pull away but Dalton was too strong . As he was pulling , Dillon moved in behind Drew . " I 'm outta here . You all have a nice life and live happily ever whatever . " Dillon held him firm by the arm as Dalton got the other . " You owe Mike an explanation . He 's standing in there wondering what the hell has gotten into you . " Dalton led Drew to the door while Dillon went and took Benjy by the hand . As soon as they were inside , the Judge banged her gavel . " As a rule , I say when people may leave my courtroom and I don 't believe I gave you permission young man . " Drew froze in his tracks . " Ah , well I 'm sorry Judge . I just need to tell Mike here something then if it 's just the same to you Ma ' am , I 'm outta here . " The elderly female Judge looked at Drew and banged her gavel once more . " Young man , when the proceedings in here are finished you may talk to Mike . Do I make myself clear ? " " Now , as I was saying , " the Judge started again . " There is more business yet to be finished . There are two additional petitions before me . First I have a petition by a Mr . Ben Palmer requesting the court he be allowed to adopt Sasha Telkov and Mohammed Raimes . Mr . Palmer , do you wish this proceeding to continue ? " The Judge smiled and knew she had the answer she needed from the boys . " Very well , it is the order of this court that Ben Palmer is the legal adoptive parent of Sasha Telkov and Mohammed Raimes and that they shall have his sir name Palmer . " Sasha and Mo jumped into Ben 's arms . " Thank you Papa . " The Judge banged her gavel as Drew started to turn to leave . " I have another petition here . Mr . Mike Parker wishes to adopt Drew and Benjy Silva . " Drew was frozen in his tracks . He just stood there with tears running down his face . I eased myself out and went over to them picking Drew up . " Why didn 't you tell me ? " I looked down then back at him . " I wanted it to be a surprise but I didn 't know seeing the twins ' adoption would hurt you that much . I 'm truly sorry I didn 't talk with you first . I 'd really like you and Benjy to be my sons . " Drew hugged me tightly and I could hear him sobbing . " Mike , you don 't know how long we 've waited to be adopted . I knew Benjy was still young enough that he probably would but I really didn 't want that because that would mean I was alone . " I wiped the tears away from his eyes . " Well , how about I see to it the both of your aren 't alone ever again . Would you both like me to be your Daddy ? " I felt Benjy leap and I caught him in my right arm . I turned and face the Judge . " Your Honor , I would like the proceedings to continue . " " Your Honor , Drew has been forced to grow up quickly . Over the past month he 's learned to be a child again but never been totally accepting of that fact . He saw the twins get adopted and he just felt his chance at that would never happen but I think he realizes otherwise now . " Drew wiggled so I set him on his feet . " Oh Yes Judge Ma ' am . I want to apologise for the way I acted before . I 'm sorry . " Benjy 's head was bobbing up and down so fast I had to put my hand on it . " Oh yes I do . I love Mike and want him to be my Daddy . " She made some notes in the file then looked at us . " Very well then , it is the order of this court that Mike Parker is the legal adoptive Father to Drew and Benjy Silva and from this day forward , they shall have Mr . Parker 's sir name . This court is now adjourned . " We entered the courtroom 9 individuals and left as 3 families . Beth had some more papers for us to sign . " Mike , Ben , I hope I can still count on you to continue to foster for me ? " " Hey , " Sasha said popping Ben on the butt . Ben quickly picked Sasha up and started tickling him . " Hey what my little munchkin ? Do you think I 'd turn any boy away that needed help ? " We all laughed at Benjy 's animated reply as we headed out of the courtroom . I looked at Beth then drew her close to me . " I can 't thank you enough for making our lives so much richer now . I know it 's your job but never have I seen someone care like you do . Ben , Jeff and I wouldn 't stand a chance adopting in the States but here you care about the kids . I 'm taking everyone out to dinner tonight and I want you there . " The weather was very warm so we went to the resort for dinner . I got a private table and we really enjoyed ourselves . Beth looked at Jeff and got serious . " Jeff , Jack 's trial is coming up and Dillon will more than likely have to testify . I know the DA assigned to the case and he 's very good with kids . " Beth patted Jeff 's shoulder . " That carries an automatic life in prison . Or system of justice takes kidnapping very seriously weather it 's a child or an adult . " After we talked about Jack 's trial , the subject was livelier and we had a great time . We all watched as the boys ate themselves silly and still had room for ice cream . I paid the bill then we got the boys home . Thursday , Jeff took the court papers and headed to Belize City . He went to the US Embassy to register the boys ' adoption and to apply for their passports . The man said it would take a couple weeks for their passports to be processed and mailed back . Friday afternoon , a Representative from the Cayo District Prosecutor 's Office came over just before the boys got home from school . I was going to leave the room but Jeff said I could stay as they talked . " Mr . Daniels , I 'm Assistant District Prosecutor Dixon and I know you 're worried about Dillon having to testify but when I ask questions of children , I 'm always thinking of them first . I know it will be embarrassing in some cases so I try to be as gentle as I can . " Mr . Dixon handed Jeff a couple of the pictures and he started to cry . I looked and there was a photo of Dillon being masturbated by a hand . He handed the photos back . " I put my arm around him and held his as he quietly sobbed . " Jeff he 's your son , not just another victim . It 's only natural you 're reacting like a parent and not a cop . " Just then the boys came in from school . The twins saw Jeff had been crying and they quickly came to his side . " What 's wrong Dad ? " Jeff composed himself then hugged his boys . I took the others back into their bedroom so they couldn 't hear what was going on . Drew tried to go back out . " Dad , they need us . " I sat down on the bed and pulled Drew onto my lap . " Now boys , here 's what 's going on . Mo , Sasha , you remember what Jack did to you boys right ? Well he did that to Dillon too and a little more . " Out in the living room the ADP was going over with Dillon about his testimony . " Son , I know you had photos taken of you and they 're not very nice . Now if I play things right , those will never have to be talked about . " " Simple , " the ADP started . " In this country kidnapping is a Capital Offense . We don 't have the death penalty here but it does carry life without parole . All I 'll have to prove is that he held you against your will and he 's away for life . " Dillon smiled at that thought . " That means some other boy will not have to go through what I did . You ask the questions Sir and I 'll answer them . " The ADP packed his things up and left then Jeff came down to the boys ' room telling us we could come out . The boys made a mad dash for the twins as the adults went into the kitchen to start dinner . Dillon started telling the others what was going to happen . " Mr . Dixon said he won 't have to show those photos because Jack kidnapped me . " Dalton shook his head . " Um well yes and no . He won 't get punished for taking them but he 'll be in prison for the rest of his life for kidnapping Dillon . " All the boys relaxed when they heard that . During supper , the boys were a little quieter than normal . After showers were taken we took the boys out for a walk and found an ice cream parlor . This was the thing needed to lift the boys ' spirits and get their minds off court . Over the weekend we kept them busy . Saturday we went horse back riding then Sunday we went snorkeling . The boys were so tired both nights they fell asleep in the living room and had to be carried to bed . Monday rolled around and it was time to see Jack face the music . Ben and I talked and we decided to let them come to court because Mo and Sasha had a vested interest in seeing Jack get punished . We arrived at the courthouse at 8 : 45 . Jeff and Dillon talked briefly with the ADP then Dillon was led to a special waiting room by Beth . Beth stayed with him until he was called to testify . As we were getting seated , we saw Jack led into the courtroom and placed at a table beside his attorney . Jack was full of himself . " Ok Mr . Hotshot , now it time for you to earn the money I 've paid you . " His lawyer looked at Jack with contempt . " You don 't get it do you s * * t for brains . Kidnapping in this country is a Capital Offense . It carries life without parole . I know about the photos you took and in my opinion , you 'd have been better off letting that boy go after you took them . At least you would have had a chance at getting out but not now . All that boy has to do is tell the court you held him against his will and didn 't let him leave and you 're hung man . My advice is let me plead you guilty and hope the Judge is in a good mood . " We stood and watched the Judge take his seat then bang his gavel . " Be seated . I see before me we have the case of Cayo District vs . Jack Davis . The charges are Kidnapping and Sexual Exploitation of a Minor . How does the defendant plead ? " The Judge wrote on his sheet then looked back at Jack . " Very well then , this court accepts your Guilty plea . You will be returned here in two weeks time when this court will pass sentence . This case is adjourned . " The Judge banged his gavel and two men came and led Jack away . Jeff ran to the back of the courtroom to get Dillon with Dalton hot on his heels . They got to the witness room and Jeff picked his son up . " It 's all over son . Jack pled guilty . " Dillon buried his had in his Dad 's shoulder and started crying . We all came in and stood around Jeff and Dillon . Ben rubbed the boy 's back . " Let it out son . Just let it all out now . " Dillon finally got himself composed . He wiggled and Jeff set him back onto his feet . " I 'm glad he 's not going to be able to hurt another boy again . Sasha , Mo , I heard about what he did to you two also and I 'm sorry . " The two boys went over and hugged Dillon tightly . Dillon then went over to me and hugged me . " Mike thanks for getting me out of there . I don 't know if I said it before . " Dillon and Beth talked for several more minutes then he went to Drew and Benjy . " Drew , you have a good Dad now and a little brother who loves you . You almost let that slip away . If I hear of you acting like a jerk … " Drew hugged Dillon tight . " No way dude , I 've waited and wished too long to ever do that that . I 'm not ever gonna risk losing Dad or my brother . " We all talked for another few minutes then left the courthouse for home . We decided to let the boys all stay home and go out and play . That night , Jeff took his boys out to dinner for a private celebration . Ben and I didn 't feel like cooking so we took the boys out also . Jeff was home when we arrived . Mo and Drew headed for the shower . Benjy and Sasha quickly went into their room as I looked around for the twins . " Where are the twins ? " Jeff smiled and gently shook his head . " Oh no guys , nothing like that , they are spending some very personal and private time together . They haven 't had a peaceful moment alone in ages . " Just then , Sasha and Benjy came downstairs giggling . Benjy came over and sat on my lap . " There are funny noises coming from Dillon and Dalton 's room . " Ben looked at his son and he was snickering too . " Well don 't you two worry about it . Dillon and Dalton are having some special time alone so neither of you try to listen at their door . " I looked at Benjy then Sasha and I could tell they were disappointed . Just then , Mo and Drew came bounding in from their shower . The hopped up between Ben and me and got comfortable . I set Benjy down and told him and Sasha to get their showers then we could watch some television . The youngest two came down from their shower and took their places beside us . We were watching a movie when the twins came down and joined us . Jeff smiled as they sat beside him . Dillon looked at us with a sad face . " Dalton and I should apologise to you for not being better company tonight . " Ben and I smiled at him and held out our hands . Dillon ran over hugging Ben . " We understand little one . A ton of weight has been lifted off you and your brother and you needed some special time alone together . " Dalton came over and gave me a hug then they returned to Jeff . At 10 : 30 we got the boys to bed and Jeff retired for the evening too . Tuesday Ben and I were off and Jeff got a special delivery letter . He signed for it then sat down to open it . " Wow that was fast guys . I have the passports for the boys and their adoption registration from the Consulate . " I fired up the computer and checked on flights from Belize City to Ft . Lauderdale . There was a flight that left Belize City at 12 : 25 in the afternoon and arrived in Ft . Lauderdale at 7 : 20 that evening . Jeff sat down and made reservations for he and the boys for the next day . I know this would be hard on the boys but they would be happy that their friends were going to their new life with their Dad . When the boys came home from school , Jeff called the twins over to him . " Boys , I have some news . Some of it is very good but part of it will make you a little sad . " Ben was holding his two boys and Benjy was in the arms of the twins . Ben looked at the computer . " Well , I have an idea for you guys . We can get a web cam and a microphone so you can see the twins and talk with them . " " All right Dad , " Sasha and Mo yelled . Ben set them down and started rubbing his ears . Dillon got a huge grin on his face . " Dad , can we get one of them too so we can see the guys and talk with them . " Jeff set Drew down then went over to his boys . " Yes boys , I 'll get us a web cam but my PC already has a microphone . Now come on boys , we have to get packed . " Jeff took his boys upstairs and started packing . Ben and I sat down then we had our boys on our laps . Mo looked at Ben with sad eyes . " Papa , could we go to the airport tomorrow so we can watch them go home ? " Ben looked at me and I nodded . " Sure son , you can all go with us . We were going to have to take them right after you left for school . " While Jeff and the twins were packing we had the boys get their homework done . Even though they weren 't going to school tomorrow , it would be late when we got back and Ben and I were sure they wouldn 't be able to concentrate on it . About 30 minutes later , Jeff and the twins came downstairs . " Well that 's all done . Guys , I don 't know how we 'll ever be able to repay you for all you 've done for us . " I chimed in at that point . " Besides , it 's us that should be thanking you . If we hadn 't heard about you adopting the twins , we might not have taken the chance to mention it to Beth . " Dillon came over and sat on my lap . " Mike , you had your friends come and rescue me . Ben was there in the hospital when the doctors were looking at me all over . I don 't think I could have gone through that alone . I know they were Doctors but it was still embarrassing . I owe you both so much . " He hugged me tightly then jumped over to Ben and then the tears started to fall . The others came running in when they heard Dillon start to cry . Benjy came over and stood in front of me glaring . " Why did you make Dillon cry Daddy ? " Dillon heard that and quickly looked at the little boy . " Benjy , your Daddy didn 't make me cry . I 'm crying ' cause I 'm happy for what your Daddy and Ben did for me . Your Daddy saved my life and Ben helped me through the second most embarrassing moment in my life . " Benjy crawled up onto my lap then reached over and hugged Dillon . That night we took Jeff and the twins out for a farewell dinner . The twins kept the boys in good spirits and all 6 of them devoured their meal . After I paid the bill , we stopped at the ice cream stand . When we got home Drew , Mo , Sasha and Benjy got a shower together . While they were in the shower , the twins came over and talked to Ben and me . Dillon was the spokes person for them . " Dalton and I talked about this and we 'd like your permission to spend some time with your boys . " Dalton put his arm around his brother 's shoulder . " Guys , I don 't think you understand what we 're asking . When I first got here , Mo , Drew and I had sex together . I know Sasha and Benjy like fooling around because they 've asked me a few questions . We 'd like to give them a goodbye evening . " I looked at Ben and he nodded his head . " I don 't have a problem with it . I know you won 't push things to where someone is uncomfortable so have fun tonight . " Our four came out of the shower and they were met by the twins at the bottom of the stairs . Dillon took Benjy and Sasha 's hand and led them back up the stairs . " Where are we going Dillon ? " Benjy looked at Dillon then over to Sasha and grinned . Sasha got a smile on his face as he understood what was going to happen . Dalton then took Mo and Drew 's hand and those three went upstairs . Jeff looked at Ben and me . " Thanks guys , the twins asked me about it and they 'll be fine . " We started watching television and got engrossed in the programs . The next thing we knew 6 boys came downstairs with smiles on their faces . Benjy hopped up on my lap and kissed me on the ear . " Boy Daddy that was fun . Dillon gives good tingles . " I looked up at Dillon and he was a few shades of red . He leaned down and tickled Benjy 's ribs . He quickly stopped then kissed his cheek . " I 'm glad you liked it . " Since none of the boys had school in the morning , we let them stay up a little later than normal . By 11 , all 6 were sound asleep on their respective father 's laps . The next morning Ben and I were up at 6 : 30 and we got breakfast going . Jeff was up about 15 minutes later and joined us for a cup of coffee . At 7 we got the boys up . Drew was his usual cheerful self . " Uh Dad , I want to sleep . " Mo got up and headed to the bathroom . I pulled the covers back over Drew then headed for the door . " Alright son , you can sleep . We 'll be back home about 3 after we take Jeff and the twins to the airport . " The boys got dressed then came down for breakfast . I got the dishes into the dishwasher and at 7 : 30 we were on our way to Belize City . We arrived about 9 : 45 then Ben and I helped Jeff bring their luggage into the terminal . We watched as they checked in then walked around for little while . At 11 : 30 , it was time for them to go through security . The boys tried being strong but they finally started crying as they hugged the twins . Mo handed them a piece of paper . " Here is our email address and our IM screen names . Please email us when you get home . That way we know you 're safe . " When all the boys finished hugging , the twins and Jeff came over to Ben and me . I hugged Dillon while Ben had Dalton . Dillon said , " I hope you don 't mind this but you two have two more honorary sons . " I kissed him on the cheek then looked at Jeff . He was nodding his head and smiling . " Ben and I would be honored to be your other Dads . " Dillon heard what Ben said too and both boys had tears in their eyes . The twins changed places and we got big hugs from them . " We promise to always love each other . " Jeff was giving the boys goodbye hugs and kisses . Then he came over to us . " Guys , you and your small clan are always welcome at our house . We expect to see you some time over the summer . " We each gave him a big hug and a goodbye kiss . I looked at him then smiled . " I 'm not sure when but we 'll be there . I wonder if the 6 of them would like to see the nude beach ? " We gave another fast round of hugs then they had to go . We went to a small restaurant that had a viewing area where planes took off and landed . We had about an hour before the flight left so we got the boys lunch . Drew wolfed his food down then went to the wall and started looking at the different airplanes . " Daddy , guys , look quick there 's Jeff and the twins . " We hurried over and Ben put Sasha on his shoulders while set Benjy on mine . We all watched as they got on the plane and the boys were waving and yelling . There was too much noise going on so they couldn 't hear the boys screaming . About 15 minutes later , we saw the door close then heard the engines start . The plane started taxiing to the runway then several minutes later , we all saw the plane lift off heading into the sky . We quietly left the airport and walked to our van . The 6 of us are now a family after all the new happenings in Belize . |
Yesterday and today have been resting days for me . The weather has been above freezing so Bill has been working on the gate for the side fence by the motorhome . I have been doing next to nothing . I did do some leg exercises tonight . Hopefully it will help my legs get stronger . I hope it snows a bunch on Monday night so that I do not have to go to therapy and Bill can use the snow blower . He says that he will drag me to therapy no matter how much snow we get . The boys will celebrate the New Year Colorado time but Michelle always celebrates New York time . She is NOT a night person . I am not sure how late we will stay up . Yesterday was Brent , Coleson and Sara 's last day with us . Coleson and I slept in while Brent , Meredith , Sara and Dwaine when shopping . We had spaghetti and smores for dinner . VERY early this morning Meredith took Brent , Coleson and Sara to the airport . I went to physical therapy this morning and spent the rest of the day resting . Brent texted late this afternoon that they made it home safely and Willie was very happy to see them ! We have had a busy two days . Yesterday , ( Monday ) Meredith , Brent , Dwaine , Michelle and the kids went to Beaver Meadows Ranch to go tubing . There was enough snow for the tube runs and VERY windy ! This ranch has 8 tube runs and they had a great time ! Afterwards they had a late lunch and came home very tired . The pups stayed with us for the day . Also , Joshua was in bed all day sick with the flu , so the pups took turns checking on him . I had a day of resting from our busy Christmas Day . Today , I went to physical therapy and then went shopping with Meredith , Brent , Michelle , Coleson and Sara . After we went to a few places we had lunch and dropped Coleson off so he , Matthew and Dwaine could go to the movies . The rest of us went to Old Town Fort Collins and went shopping . We got hot chocolate at Starbucks and went to a Colorado store and found CO ornaments of mark Coleson and Sara 's 1st CO Christmas . Sara found a great store for some clothes . I found a great red hat for myself . We headed home and had potato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner . We had a very full Christmas Day ! One thing we had been hoping for was snow . Sure enough we got enough big fluffy flakes to enjoy this morning . Unfortunately not enough for Bill to try out the snow blower . We first had a big breakfast here at Michelle 's and then opened presents . Afterwards we went to Meredith and Dwaine 's house to relax , watch football and enjoy being together . Dwaine and the boys ( Connor , Coleson , Joshua and Matthew ) took the dogs for a walk . They were able to walk on the icy part of the lake . This was a first for Coleson ! They all had a great time ! We had a wonderful Christmas Dinner prepared by Meredith and Brent ! Merry Christmas Eve ! Today was a busy day of getting ready for Brent , Sara and Coleson to arrive . Meredith and Michelle started early with grocery shopping before the stores got crowded . Bill and Michelle got the new snow blower started . They were preparing for our next snow storm . When Michelle got off work at noon she and her dad went snow blower shopping . He had looked and looked at many kinds . He wanted to make sure the one they picked out Michelle could handle it with her being the shortest in the family . Bill is even willing to do the snow dance just he can try out the new toy . Matthew had a great idea for it , it will be great entertainment for Max catching the blowing snow . That is his favorite game ! Today I went to the physical therapist . When we got home Joey and Hapa were here . They were so glad to see me . We kept having to move Joey out of the way going to our room . He is such a good protector . Meredith worked in the office today and when she came to get the pups she stayed and visited a while . She hopes that she will be sent home early tomorrow since there will only be 2 or 3 people in the office . Nothing new to report today . The highest temperature for the day was in the middle of the night . Later in the day it started to get cold again . Bill took Matthew to school this morning for his last finals of the 1st semester . Matthew is very happy to have them done with ! I stayed in bed most of the day while Bill did errands through out the day . Three more days until Brent and the kids get here ! ! ! ! ! YIPEE ! ! ! ! ! Tomorrow is the first day of winter . Although if we were still in fall we did not know it . We finally got above freezing today . It got warmer today but not enough to keep your toes warm . Meredith and Dwaine came for dinner . We had " make your own " burritos . We sat and talked for a while but I was nearly too tired to sit up . I went back to bed and Meredith came in and talked for a little bit . Early this morning I had to see the heart specialist and once again he told me I was fine . I shouldn 't complain with his diagnosis , but it would be nice to have answers to my problems . When we left his office Bill took me to Meredith 's house . It was very cold outside so she fixed me a cup of hot chocolate . In my usual manner I spilled it down the front of my white shirt . They just cannot take me anywhere . Meredith and I were going shopping . The first thing on our list was dog toys for the pups . Across the street was a good place to eat . So Meredith and I went to " The Egg & I " for lunch . The food there is good , there was a constant stream of customers coming in . I had a cup of soup which was very good , I decided maybe I was hungry enough to have a serving of biscuits and gravy . They needed to take lessons from Michelle . Her 's is much better . Then we went to Macy 's to Christmas shop , don 't get snoopy and ask what I bought . When I got home , Bill was going to wash my coat and my dirty turtleneck . He was not concerned about the turtleneck but wanted the coat washed . I may need it tomorrow since we both have doctor 's appointments in the morning . That is his excuse and I will let it pass . I 'm sorry to say our tears are melting the snow because the Broncos lost today . They started the game with a video of a herd of wild Broncos racing thru the snow . Two wranglers were following them . It was a pretty sight . That was the best part of today 's program because the horses looked like they were really enjoying themselves . I had a lazy day of watching football and westerns . That 's what Sundays are for . It is currently 5 degrees . The next few days are going to get warmer according to the weather person . We got 4 1 / 2 " of snow overnight . It was enough to convince Grandpa that this address needed a snow blower . Our last snow fall was an inch of snow and was easy to shovel . The 4 1 / 2 " was much harder . When he shops for a snow blower he is taking Michelle so he knows that she can handle one . Some of them are very heavy . It was 1 degree when Bill , Joshua and Michelle woke up this morning . The temperature keeps dropping . At 8 : 40 tonight it is - 7 degrees . If you believe the weather person the wind is supposed to shift from the south and that should help warm us up to a balmy 22 degrees . We 'll keep you posted . It was sunny today but was extremely cold and the temperature kept falling . As I tap this out my fingers might freeze because it is 9 degrees . Michelle and Connor went to Costco in Fort Collins , when they came out they went to get gasoline . While they were there it was snowing really hard , Michelle said it was a white out . By the time they got home the white stuff was falling , YIPPEE SKIPPY ! By 9pm we have had several inches . Unfortunately I could not stay awake all night to watch it , Bill was blocking the window . That is my story and I am sticking to it . Meredith and Dwaine came walking down the hall singing " The weather outside is frightful but the fire inside is delightful ! " That is my take on it , along with Meredith and Michelle . Bill was grumbling * & ^ % $ # , he does not like soft water " snow " . It is not skinny snow like Matthew used to call it . Today I went to physical therapy . Ty really worked me hard . He wanted to know if I was ready to go to one day a week . I am not sure if one day a week is enough , so we shall see . Lori and Brent called me today . Meredith came and visited before she and Michelle went Christmas shopping . Connor finished his last final today and drove home tonight . It sure was good to see him come through that door . Michelle left lasagna for Bill , Matthew and me to have for dinner . Matthew and I decided that Michelle makes the best lasagna . Michelle said that she had a good teacher ! Dwight and Sheila always manage to find a funny card to send us . This year it was a Rhodesian Ridgeback dog with long velvety ears . There were huge pinecones as his antlers . It was really cute . At 10am I went to get my hair cut , a few snowflakes were falling . I went next door and had my fingernails cut . We got home and I took a nap . Meredith and the pups came for a visit when she got thru with work . Hapa is a very good foot warmer . Tonight we started watching the end of this year 's Survivor season . I am going to have Bill tape it because it is a 3 hour show . I went to physical therapy this morning and then came home for hot chocolate because it was so cold outside . Janna called and we talked for a while . She is glad that I am blogging again . Then I went to see Dr . Honeycutt for a follow - up . He went over my ER visit , they had sent him all the information . We hadn 't eaten at McDonald 's for a long time so we decided to go there for lunch . I could not eat all of my hamburger so I took my leftovers home to Tippy . Afterwards we went to the bank . When we got home I took a nap , I were super tired . Michelle cooked a very good dinner , but it was only the three of us . Matthew and Joshua went Christmas shopping , Michelle wished she could be a fly on the wall in the stores . This is their first time shopping together . They were going out to dinner afterwards and were gone a long time . Bill went this morning to get Hapa and Joey to spend the day with us . When they got here she immediately found a pile of snow in the front yard and rolled , and rolled , AND rolled . She stayed out there a long time and Bill had to go out to get her . Meanwhile , Joey and Tippy enjoyed what was left of the snow in the back yard . They all enjoy rolling in the snow , but especially Hapa . When we get a really big snow Tippy likes to have Michelle throw a shovelful of snow at him . It was cold today but we did not get anymore snow . Shucky darn ! ! ! I spent the afternoon in front of the fireplace laying on the sofa . I was reading from time to time and took a snooze . Meredith came to dinner , of course Joey thinks of me as the gravy train . He must have learned that from Willie . I did not eat all my hamburger , so Meredith fed my leftovers to all three pups . We had snow in the middle of the night and this morning . Yippee ! ! ! ! The snow grouch did not even complain about it . It didn 't last long and stopped about 9 : 30am . Another sad bit of news is the Broncos lost today . Meredith came over and spent some time with us . I spent the day taking naps . Such excitement ! There is not much snow left in the backyard because the dogs love to play in the snow . Meredith , Dwaine and I went to a Mexican food place in Longmont . The food was good and then we went to a place that sells firewood . We got as much as their 4Runner would hold . We were impressed with the firewood company . They had a lot of choices in firewood . We got 1 / 4 cord for $ 70 . We plan to get more when Connor is home for Christmas with his pickup . When we got back home we built a fire and had a cozy place to sit and chat . We still have snow on the ground ! I had a dermatologist appointment this morning . Dr Bear froze about four places on my face . She wants to see me again in 6 months . We came home , ate lunch and took naps . Meredith , Michelle , Matthew and Dwaine went out for sushi . It has been the usual relaxing evening watching Daniel Boone . When I got up this morning I had a hard time getting out of bed . It was very painful . I went to PT and could not do it . Ty suggested that I go get X - rays . It took us 4 hours of scans and x - rays . Half way thru the examination Meredith came . Michelle had called her , so she got the job of pup sitting while Meredith was with me & Bill at the ER . The 4 hours really drug by because I could not have anything to drink or eat . The staff at MCR is always top notch . Their facility is wonderful . Luckily the scans and X - ray showed only bruising on my hip and tailbone . As I am writing this , it is 7 degrees ! Brrrrrrr ! It is supposed to get down to - 7 degrees tonight . Yesterday afternoon it started to snow . I looked out the window so that I could see how much it was snowing , when I started to leave the window for some reason I pitched forward . I don 't know why but I hit the floor harder than ever before . My head hit the bathroom floor and my left hip is very sore and bruised . I laid on the floor for several minutes . I asked Bill to bring me a pillow and blanket and I could sleep there . He wouldn 't do it . It took Bill two times to help me up . Finally he was successful . ( Side note from Michelle : Dad has been scolded for not getting Meredith or myself to come and help . We were in the basement at the time playing with the dogs and did not hear the commotion upstairs . ) Meredith came to visit with me , I got in bed and it did not take me to long to go to sleep . I slept in one position all night long . This morning I was able to use my walker a little bit but it was painful . I stayed in bed most of the day and slept part of the time . When I got up for dinner I was feeling a little bit better . I am not looking forward to the night trying to sleep , but I will give it the ol ' college try . Today is an important day for the Dane family and a lot of other families . It is Pearl Harbor Day . Ten years ago today Brent had brain surgery at Walter Reed Hospital . They gave him a year and a half to live , but Brent is good at beating the odds . Congratulations Brent ! We love you ! ! ! ! ! We had snow most of the night . We got a couple of inches . Just enough to make it look pretty . This is our first snowfall and it is late for this area . Bill and I went to Arby 's for lunch , they always have a great special of when the Broncos have made 2 touchdowns in the last game . Their roast beef sandwich is $ 1 . After that Bill and I spent 1 1 / 2 hours looking for the neurologist that had been recommended to us . We never did find him , his office has moved . Bill looked in the phone book and could not find him , so we will have to continue the search tomorrow . We were both very frustrated . I went on the my therapy at 2 : 30 , we got home and rested until dinner was ready . Matthew was the only " chick in the hen house " . After we ate , we sat and told told stories , Matthew was in a particularly jolly mood , he sat at the table and laughed at our stories . It was a nice way to finish a frustrating day . Weather wise : The temperature dropped 21 degrees between 1pm - 3pm . The wind gusts were 50mph from north . Matthew laughed at the image of me blowing away to Kansas with the wind . Michelle and I are cheering that we are getting snow tomorrow , of course Bill is grumbling ! Today was kind of a busy upside down day for me . I woke up not knowing what day it was . I thought it was Tuesday . Bill reminded me that the Broncos were playing today , I got back on track . At 10 : 30 Michelle and I went to Meredith 's . Michelle and Meredith were making Christmas cookies , I was the chief sampler . We were watching the Broncos game against the Jaguars . I don 't remember much of the 2nd quarter , half time and the 3rd quarter . My body chose to take a nap . When I woke up it was 1 / 2 way thru the 3rd quarter . The Broncos won 20 - 10 . We were glad to see the Broncos win . They needed this win , it has not been their best year . After I woke up , Meredith fixed us a girl luncheon . We had 2 kinds of dip , cheese , bread and Brent we did not want you to be left out . . . we had tomatoes . When the game was over , Meredith got out her Christmas ornaments . She showed me each of them as she put them on the tree . I had made about 3 / 4th of them . It was a walk down Christmas memory lane when I saw the ones that I had made . When Michelle got to a certain spot on baking , we loaded the car and headed home . It was a wonderful day ! . Today wasn 't a good day . I had trouble with balance and I was very , very shaky . I had meant to go to the neurologist to make an appointment but did not feel like it . Michelle came in and announced that it was snowing " very tiny flakes " . We cheered and Bill boo 'd . In no time they got bigger and was blowing around . Meredith came to bring dinner and it had already quit snowing . . boo . . . hiss ! She brought minestroni soup . It was a good choice for a cold day . I cannot believe that December is already here ! This morning I went to the physical therapist and told him about my bad day yesterday . He worked on some different things with me . When we got back home we went to the motor home to look for a few things . It was so COLD that I could only stay a few minutes . I forgot one of the most important things : a fudge recipe from Sally . After lunch I took a nap most of the afternoon . We have leftover Carne en su Jugo soup tonight . It was wonderful on this cold 30 degrees night . Bill and I don 't mind leftovers as long as it is a hot bowl of soup . The weatherman kept saying that we would have snow tomorrow , but now it looks like it will just be cold . Bill is happy , I am sad . Posted by Today we went out to lunch to KFC and I nearly fell twice . The second time , Joshua was right around the corner at the table and jumped up really fast to come around to catch me . Joshua is handy to have around so we have decided to keep him , and besides that , he is good looking and when he smiles his dimples show . We had planned to stop at Walmart on the way home but I was too tired so Bill said he would go back later . When we got back to Michelle 's I laid down to take a nap . When I woke up 2 1 / 2 hours later I was extremely confused . I didn 't know what day or what time it was , it is a terrible feeling to be so confused . I was totally disoriented . So when Bill got me up he said that we were having burritos and I couldn 't figure out why we were having burritos for breakfast then Bill told me it was only 6pm . Meredith came to help me with my Kindle . I am going to start reading the Falconer Files series by Andrea Frazer . Lorri described it as an English version of Andy Griffith and Barney Five . It was a quiet , " stay in your pajamas " type of day . It was cold and windy outside so I stayed in my cocoon . I had lots of time to read on my new Kindle . Lori and I like to read mysteries . She sent me a list of mysteries that I can load onto my Kindle . I am trying to finish the current book so I can get started on one from the list . There 's an English version of Andy Griffith & Barney Fife type mystery . I look forward to reading it . Happy Birthday Matthew ! These past 18 years have flown by . You are now the tallest in your family . We will see at Christmas who is the tallest of the whole family , you or Coleson . For Matthew 's birthday dinner he chose lasagna which is always a very good choice . Meredith and the pups joined us for dinner . Joey barked as we sang " Happy Birthday " . Matthew even got to pick out his own birthday cake . He chose one with layers of chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream . It was delicious . He only had three candles to blow out because we did not have 18 candles . I had physical therapy this afternoon . Usually I have it in the morning but today I had it in the afternoon . We worked on specifics like me getting out of bed better , etc . When I got home from therapy I took a nap for a couple of hours . As they say in Texas . . . . " I was plum tuckered ! " Bonnie called with a report on Todd . Some days are good and some days are bad . Sometimes he sleeps all day , sometimes he will be awake often . Who does that sound like ? ? ME ! The physical therapist has been having Todd do some simple leg exercises to gain strength . The hospice nurse came and said that he should not do that but rest instead . She is still parked at the Milwaukee Elks Lodge but has a place reserved at a private campground . Today she heard honking beside her coach . She looked up and saw an old man trying to park his motorhome . There was a suburban with him but not being towed . Every time that he needed to stop the suburban would honk to signal him to stop . After trying to park unsuccessfully , both the suburban and motor home left . I told Bonnie that I thought that was one of the scariest motorhome stories that I had heard . I asked Brent if he was going to watch the Broncos game . He said that he wouldn 't cheer against them but wouldn 't cheer for them , so much for being born in the Motherland " Broncos Country " . Posted by Everyone in the household is blurry eyed because of watching football games all day long . I 'm sorry to say that the Oregon Ducks lost the game to Oregon State Beavers . It was pouring rain sideways , sometimes it looked like it was snowing , but I am not sure . It had been 9 years since the Ducks lost the civil war . It is one of the oldest college civil war rivalries . Maybe we will get them next year . Meredith and Dwaine come home from Telluride because they were predicting 2 - 3 ft of snow in the mountains . Hapa was glad to have them come home but the pictures that Dwaine took were magnificent . It is a very pretty area . It took all of Hapa 's strength and energy to keep the other two dogs ( Buckeye and Max ) in line . Today was a lazy day after all that good food ! Bill says ' Yeah for leftovers ! " . But the mac & cheese was all gone . Bummer ! I stayed in my PJ 's all day ! Haha came to visit us this evening . She jumped up on the bed and wagged her little tail when she saw me . Then she laid on the bed and let me pet her for a long time . It was a nice relaxing day . We had a wonderful feast at Michelle 's . It was prepared by Joshua and Connor , they did an excellent job with all the usuals of turkey , salmon , twice baked potatoes , green beans , broccoli and cauliflower , rolls and gravy . Natalia brought our family tradition " broccoli and rice with cheese " . It is always a family favorite . Natalia also brought her boyfriend , Alex . He fit right in with our crew , which says a lot about him . We had a good visit . No one left the table hungry . Natalia and Alex left first to head to his family 's house for a later Thanksgiving dinner . We discussed the cookie box that Michelle and Meredith will send in December . My Aunt Laura started the tradition years ago because she loved to bake . It was always the most anticipated package that we got every Christmas . When she had to go to a nursing home the girls took over the tradition . It was a tough day , I spent nearly an hour and a half with our GP . He thinks that I probably have had a stroke at some point and wants me to go see a neurologist to get checked . If I have had one there is not much that can be done about it , I guess . It is all very confusing to me and does not get us any closer to figuring out what my health problems are . Matthew 's birthday will be on Monday but the crew when to an early birthday dinner because Connor and Joshua were home . He chose Hu Hot because it is one of his favorite places to eat . Bill and I did not go because it involves a lot of standing . Yesterday when I bought the Kindles they did not have a book called " Kindles for Dummies " so I told Meredith and Michelle that it was their job to teach me how to use the Kindle . They were shivering greatly with fear about having to teach me ! Meredith being the brave soul that she is invited the geezers to dinner tonight . She told me to bring my Kindle so she could help me load a book . She now has a small glimpse of what misery is like . Getting my book loaded involved a call to Lori for technical support . We soon had a book loaded from a mystery series that Lori recommended . Tomorrow , my doctor 's appt has been changed to 10am . Then I have physical therapy at 11 : 30am so it is going to be a long tiring day . Goodnight ! Thank you to Chef Matthew for taking care of us today . At noon he fixed me a wonderful grilled cheese sandwich , for dinner he made quesadillas . They were delicious ! He is going to take after his Uncle Brent as the cook . Thank you for being a willing substitute for your mother . I went to therapy today . Ty is working on my balance and I walked four loops around the facility . He wanted me to go outside but it was too cold . I suppose someday he will make me go around the building . We watched the next to the last episode of Dancing With The Stars . It would be hard to choose who the winner should be . They are all so good . The finals are tomorrow night . Long , long ago when Natalia was little , we visited a touchy , feely place where the kids could touch furs , pinecones and all that kind of stuff . When we left the place Natalia said that she wanted a pelt . I asked her how she was going to use it , she explained that she was going to wrap her doll just like the indian mothers did . So the search began , no one ( museums and gift shops ) could tell us where to find one . I think we were in Aztec , NM . We asked a lady who worked at the visitor 's center for help . She suggested we go to a trading post that was close by . When we went into the trading post , the owner was showing a couple how to lay a pattern onto some white material ( maybe deer skin ) , so we had to wait . When he waited on us , Jeremy took charge . The store owner said that he had some rabbit pelts and brought out two boxes of pelts . I had talked to Natalia about where a pelt came from because I did not want her to be upset about skinning an animal . Jeremy asked , " How much are the pelts ? " . The man said , " 395 " . Jeremy said , " $ 395 . 00 ? " , the owner said , " No , $ 3 . 95 " . Without pausing for a breath Natalia said , " I ' LL TAKE 2 ! " . So we left with rabbit pelts to wrap dolls in . But that day I learned from Natalia how to come up with a quick response . Today , Michelle and I went to Best Buy looking for Kindles . When the salesperson told us the price which was much lower than what I thought it would be , I followed Natalia 's lead and said , " I 'll take 3 " . I learned well . Michelle and I came out of the store each with a Kindle and one for Meredith . Yahoo ! ! ! ! This morning , I had an exciting experience that I never had before . I felt something in my right ear , so I dug around and pulled out what I thought was a fly . I handed it Bill and he put on the window sill so I could see it when I got up . He said it was not a fly but a spider . . . . ewwwww ! By the time I got up to go look at the remains , it had walked away . Bill assured me that it was not black with a red spot on it but a tan spider . Once again , I flashed back to a lesson from Natalia . One night Jeremy did not go to sleep for a long time . She asked him what was wrong and he said , " There was a spider on the ceiling terrifying me " . She said , " Oh JP , call me next time and I will deal with it " . It seems like I 've learned a lot from that little , adorable girl . I asked her one time how she remembered things so well . She said that she put sticky notes on her brain . I tried but my sticky notes kept falling off to this day . Michelle surprised us at breakfast with sausage gravy with biscuits . She should sell her recipe to most restaurants that do not know how to make it and do a horrible job . Thanks Michelle ! Today I have a story about a dog . Joey is one of Meredith 's dogs . He has very thick fur . He loves to go in the lake and canal behind their house . Yesterday , at 18 degrees he went in anyway and played in the water and came out . A few minutes after coming out of the water the girls noticed that he had icicles hanging from his fur . I asked Meredith if they brushed the icicles off , she said no they just let them melt . This morning is was 18 degrees and Grandpa had to wear sissy pants , which is what the kids call his sweats . We decided that it was a day to stay inside and watch westerns and football . Oregon won in the last seconds of the game . Quack . . . Quack ! it was 18 ° this morning . Br - r - r - r - r ! No new snow came with it . Bill reminded me of the 4 - 5 inches we would get when we moved to the mountains of Southern Colorado . He also reminded me that we were younger . He never misses a chance to remind me of that . Connor and his girlfriend , Taylor , came for Thanksgiving break . It was good to see both of them . She has a dog named Buckeye . He came , too . Posted by Today it is snowing . Yippy , Skippy ! It is a good thing . We really need the moisture . We aren 't getting a lot , but anything is better than nothing in my book . But not for Bill . To him , SNOW is a four letter word of the worst kind . Every time I say it he threatens to wash my mouth out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . with chocolate . That 's OK with me ! ! ! ! ! ! Michelle knows what to fix for dinner . Tonight we had chili and cornbread . It was really good . She is a good cook and we are well fed . We have a friend , Gale , who can type Hunt and Peck style faster than most people can type . Maybe I need lessons from him . Don 't ask JP about Gale 's typing skills . All he will say is " Oh , yeah . He was the guy who threw my fishing line out in the middle of the river and I never got it back . " It was a very funny story , but too long to tell here . Use your imagination from the eyes of a 10 year old . Today was a throw away day as we call it . I slept most of the time . Usually , the next day is better . Bill and I both hope so . This was a busy day for the Geezer and his sidekick . While I was at the PT , Bill tried to get me another doctor . No luck . The new doctor is a neurologists who will try to determine if I have had a stroke . I told Michelle I had never been to a funny farm before . She said , what do you mean , Mom . I was raised in a funny farm , by you . I guess she had me there . Well , this is old " sickie " typing for the first time in a long time I have even tried . My last attempt was after my last episode with my heart . It really did a number on my mental status . I though if I tried getting back to my journal it might might help . We 'll see . Please excuse any glaring mistakes . Meredith has been helping me relearn . If the next time you see her and she has no hair it is my fault . I have pushed her to the limit of her endurance . This afternoon , Meredith and I watch the Denver Broncos beat the N . O . saints . It was a good game , especally since the Broncos won . Bill came when the NASCAR was over . We had dinner with Meredith and Dwaine . Today . . . . . Bill made french toast for breakfast . It was so goo that it warranted a nap . I had blood work done and went to the bank . After the errands we went to Arby 's and got lunch . Whenever the Broncos make 2 touchdowns in a game you can get their regular sandwich for $ 1 instead of $ 3 . We love being in Broncos Country ! ! It wasn 't In - N - Out but it is a decent substitute . Mom had a busy day today . Natalia came for breakfast this morning at Cracker Barrel . Physical therapy this morning and the heart specialist this afternoon . PT was good , she got dizzy towards the end . Her heart doctor says that her heart is in good shape . Great news , but it leaves us with more questions . Posted by Mom had a surprise visitor today . . . . . . me ! ! While Michelle took her for PT , Dad made a quick trip to the airport . She was very surprised when I came out of the house to help her get out of the car . She said , " You 're here ! Where is Brent ? " Alas , I was the only surprise guest , but she seemed happy . We went to lunch at Arby 's , she ate really well . After that it was back to the house to get Dad . All three of us trooped over to the medical center to get some lab work done on mom . The afternoon was spent resting and sitting on the deck soaking up the sun . Michelle made angel hair pasta for dinner . I think that we all slept soundly after a busy day . Yesterday during Mom 's appointment with her GP , he said that her left lung sounded muffled which indicates a fluid buildup behind her lung . Today they went the the heart specialists office and met with his PA . She heard the same thing and ordered several tests to be done , one of them being an echocardiogram . The next appointment with the heart specialist is November 8 . Hopefully , she will be able to have those tests completed by then . Mom had 2 . 7 liters of fluid withdrawn today . That sounds like bad news , but there is a positive side to the story . The gastrologist is going to have the fluid tested to determine if the fluid buildup is because of her heart or her liver . Maybe now we will finally get some answers . Posted by Mom saw her gastrologist yesterday . She had blood drawn and is waiting for lab results before having more fluid drained . She was happy to tell me that she has had several good days in a row and wanted to make sure that I included that in her blog . They are waiting for a guy to come and prepare the ground where the motor home will send the winter . Posted by Dad is busy getting the coach winterized . It 's a new experience for him since in the 18 years they 've had it , it 's the first time they won 't be staying in it full time . There isn 't much else to report , which I guess is good news . I spoke with Dad very briefly this afternoon . He said that they are getting settled down and into a good schedule at Michelle 's . He thinks that Mom has gotten a bit stronger over the past few days . Never underestimate the healing power of dogs and grandchildren ! They are in the process of setting up appointments with several specialists . . It was a busy weekend moving in and organizing . Connor made the trek from Grand Junction to surprise Mom and Dad . Sunday afternoon was spent at Meredith 's watching the Broncos win . Dish Network came today to get Mom and Dad 's tv situation worked out . Mom also had an appointment with Dr . Hunnicutt , her general practitioner . He has ordered all of her test results from Yuma and requested that she see another heart specialist . . Dad fired up the coach at 4 : 30 AM and hit the road . He stopped just south of Denver to rest and let traffic ease up before navigating I - 25 through Denver . A blast from the air horns announced to Meredith and Michelle ( and the whole neighborhood ) their arrival at 11 : 30 . I 'm writing this post with second hand knowledge because Mom and I played phone tag last night and never were able to connect . Meredith said that Mom and Dad were able to spend a couple of hours with Jim and Peggy ( Mom 's brother and his wife ) before pointing the coach north . Apparently , Dad is suffering from a stiff knee . In other words , he had the pedal to the metal ! You just can 't take the race car driver out of Dad , even if it is in a 36 foot vehicle , towing a car , going about 55 miles an hour . Ok , ok , so he wasn 't setting any speed records , but I 'm sure he felt as if he were . Sorry , I digressed . The good news is that they should reach Loveland by midday . Posted by Willie Nelson was singing at the top of his lungs this morning as Dad fired up the coach and hit the road . One of their stops was at In - N - Out near Tucson . They both had happy tummies . Early tomorrow they head towards Santa Fe . Posted by Mom had her stomach drained today , over 2 liters . She says that it isn 't as painful as it sounds . They are planning on pulling a Willie Nelson tomorrow at 9 : 00 . Posted by Today while I was talking to Mom on the phone , she decided to move to the bed to take a nap . In doing so , she fell between the bed and the wall . We hung up so that Dad could try to get her up . He was unsuccessful and called 911 . Two guys came and got her up , also transporting her to the hospital . She call about 5 hours later to report that she had been released and was on her way home . For the Dane kids , they can 't get back to Colorado soon enough . Hopefully , next Tuesday they will begin to make their way north . Posted by Mom went to the hospital today to have more fluid drained . It wasn 't as much as last time , so that 's good . One doctor told her that she might have to have this done every two weeks . I spoke with Mom for quite awhile today . We had a football game to rehash ! The Dane family 's day started with a group text from Mario which featured a picture of him wearing his Denver Bronco hat in support of his Colorado family . Yesterday being the first day of football season , we were all very excited . Texts flew back and forth all day and multiplied during the game . Those of us whom bleed orange and blue were VERY happy that Denver won . It was a nail biter decided in the last 3 seconds . Mom reports that she was worried that Dad was going to have a stroke . Brent told me this afternoon that he watched the second half . We may be spread far and wide , but we were all together in spirit pulling for our boys . Happy Birthday , Connor ! Mom and Dad saw their new GP last week . One of Mom 's complaints is that she is occasionally dizzy when she stands up . Dad commented to the doctor that he was going to buy her a blond wig . The doctor didn 't find that very funny . In Dad 's defense , that was my first thought , also , and I 'm fairly confident that Meredith , Michelle and Brent would say the same thing . They spent most of the weekend in the motorhome with the a / c on high . Dad said that one day next week the high will only be 99 degrees . Mom just might have to break out her winter jacket . Posted by I 'm sure you loyal readers have noticed that I haven 't been posting every night . Rest assured that if something happens , I will update Mom 's blog immediately . I 'm available to talk , if you want to pass messages on to Mom and Dad , 925 - 899 - 4666 . I spoke with Mom moments ago and she sounded pretty good . Today was physical therapy day , so she was tired . Her next big day is September 7 when she meets with the liver specialist . They will decide after that when they might head back to Colorado , otherwise known as The Motherland . Personally , I think that it is a great time to be back in Bronco country ! Mom went to the heart specialist today and was told that her heart is very healthy . Great news , but it leaves lots of questions about what is going on to cause the water weight gain . The liver specialist is next week , so it will be interesting to see what they have to say . Posted by Today was very busy ! This morning they had a Transitional Team appointment with a nurse to go over everything that happened while Mom was hospitalized . The afternoon appointment was with a new GP . Both appointments went well and they were quite pleased . I got a quick report from Mom in between my bocce games tonight . She sounded quite chipper , said that they ate lunch out and made an appointment with the physical therapist for Friday . With the Yuma heat what it is , that sounds like a productive day ! Mom had an appointment this morning with a foot doctor . X - rays were taken and it was determined that her left ankle is very weak . She came home with a temporary brace and will get a permanent brace if the temporary one is successful . Mom and Dad were both very impressed with the doctor , she was very thorough . Posted by When I spoke with Mom tonight , she said that she was " plumb tuckered " . A shopping trip to Walmart and lunch at In - N - Out was as much as she could do . Unfortunately , the Nascar race was rained out , but Mother Nature provided a lightening storm , so they ended today with some entertainment . Mom reports that it was a day spent resting . It was probably needed after almost a week in the hospital , not the most restful of places . Dad says that he is yanking her out of bed early tomorrow morning to go walking when it is cooler . We will see who wins that battle ! Mom was sprung today , at least that 's their story . They might have seen an opening and made a run for it . When I was in Colorado last month , she and I were doing errands . I told her to hop in the car . We looked at each other and laughed and laughed . More tests took place today , they finally think that maybe they are narrowing the possibilities of what ails her , just waiting for results . The news from Mom and Dad was mixed today . The heart specialist says that her heart is strong and healthy . Yay ! ! ! Now the mystery of the water retention . The current thought is that it might be her liver . So , more tests . Hopefully tomorrow brings some results from all of the tests that she is undergoing . I assume that Dad didn 't pass out because while he was telling me , I didn 't hear a loud thud . It 's possible that he was leaning against the wall and just slid down . Anyway , things seem to be looking up for her , so that 's the happy news on this Monday . Lori here doing blog duty for Mom . As she has mentioned several times , she has been having trouble with her legs and feet . Yesterday , Dad decided that she needed to be seen at the hospital , so off they went . Within 45 minutes of arriving , she was being treated . It was decided that she needed to be admitted for more tests . Dad reports this morning that she is already showing signs of improvement . Lots of tests are planned for today . This morning I didn 't feel like going to therapy , but I went anyway . They didn 't work me too hard and I was in my wheel chair , so I didn 't have to walk down a long hall to get to the workout room . Lori gave me a small wheelchair and it has certainly come in handy . We had several places to go after PT , including In - N - Out for lunch and Sam 's for gasoline . We got home in time for naps , which is what I really needed . We had planned to go to a place that serves trout , but I didn 't feel like going . Bill called and placed our order and went and got it . It was OK , but not as good as I do , which doesn 't happen anymore . That was back in the good old days ! The first place we hunted for was the Habitat ReStore . We like to shop there in Loveland . The one we found in Yuma was much , much smaller and was mainly construction items . If you needed to patch your roof with curved tiles , we can tell you where to go for them ! Lunch was not too far away . . . Sonic . We don 't go there often and now I remember why . In - N - Out doesn 't need to worry about Sonic running them out of business . We headed on down to the Medical part of town , in search of a new GP . The one we used and really liked has moved from Yuma . Rats ! But as we use to say when we were kids . . . " That 's the way the cookie crumbles ! " We spent a lot of time looking for the new office . It took about four gallons of gasoline and at least 14 u - turns before finding the place . We made an appointment for me and headed back across town . By then , we were too tired to go to the grocery store , so we ate leftovers for supper . We didn 't get home until 4 : 30 . I napped until 6 : 30 , so by then " drag outs " tasted really good . This is going to be a busy day for us , so I decided to start my blog on my iPad and transfer it to my MAC tonight . If you hear screams coming from the direction of Arizona it is probably me trying to deal with technology . Thank goodness it 's not necessary for me to make a living in this new age . My therapy went well today . I was really tired when I finished . They don 't cut me any slack . And whining does no good . I just have to endure the torture . We went to Taco Bell for lunch . They are just a few blocks away . That made all the pain and agony worth it , I guess . I could barely walk into the place to eat . We went to our realtor to tell her we won 't be looking for houses for awhile . It was all getting to confusing for me . She had told us there will be more houses on the market in September and October . still at thr computer tonight . I worked on the iPad today , but didn 't get it all figured out . I 'll try to get in touch with Lori tomorrow , for some iPad help . was windy today and not as warm as it has been . . . 104 ° , I think . The wind was strong enough to rock the MH several times . We didn 't have any I go to the PT . I hope it begins to do some good soon . I felt lousy today and didn 't do much . I talked to Bonnie today . She said Todd is very weak . The doctor said he wouldn 't get any better and needed to be in a care facility . Bonnie is looking at places and has some big time decisions to make . Posted by I called Lori tonight for help in searching for my lost blog . We weren 't able to find any sign of it . She did remind me that at one time I would use my iPad to do my writing , it would automatically be saved , and I could email it to myself . I will try that tomorrow and see if I can figure it all out again . At 5 : 30 this afternoon , we decided to go to dinner at Chicken on the Run , thich has good food . By then the temperature was 111 ° . A nice cool place was just what what we needed . After eating we drove around looking for houses . Nothing new ! This morning I went back to the Physical Therapist . This time I worked with a young man named Eric . He really put me through the paces . I did some things that neither Bill nor I thought possible for me to do . However , I was able to do everything Eric asked me to do . I go twice next week . . . Wednesday and Friday . There are some exercises I will try to do in the meantime . It was encouraging to see how much I could accomplish today . I am still very wibbly wobbly when I walk with my cane . Coming out of Sam 's Club I nearly fell on the hot pavement . That would be a double ouch ! I called Bonnie to see how Todd is doing since they got back to Oregon . He still has the weakness much like I do . He doesn 't like it anymore than I do . Before going there , however , we stopped at McDonald 's for sausage biscuits . We love eating as we drive down the road . Long before McDonald 's invited sausage biscuits , I was making them for our family road trips . I made lots of them for each trip , because we always had hungry children with us . The kids always looked forward to breakfast on the road . They still talk about the sausage biscuits we had . On our way back into Yuma , we stopped at Furniture Row . Several of the houses we 've looked at need furniture . In each section of the store , we found at least one set of things we liked . It has been 28 years since we shopped for sofas , dining room chairs , bedroom sets , and things like that . I was very tired when we finished . While we were shopping , our friend , Gale called to make sure we had found the recipe for " peanut butter and bananas . A part of the joke is to call Natalia to check it all out . And since it was lunchtime and we were just around the block from In - N - Out , guess where we ate lunch ! This morning , I went to Physical Therapy . They spent two hours evaluating me , only to come up with my own diagnosis . I have very little strength in my legs . The PT put me through a battery of about 40 tests and agreed with me . So that is what I will work on , twice a week for awhile and then three times a week as I get stronger . Afterwards , Bill and I drove around looking at some houses . We didn 't go into any , but Bill did some measuring to check if there was room for the motorhome . After lunch , I lay down for a nap . I wasn 't asleep for the entire time , but I napped and rested for about four hours . I was tired when I went for my appointment , and really tired when we got back home . had a busy morning . We were with our realtor for over two hours . We looked at four houses . None of them were exactly perfect , but two came very close . We will have to take a look at both of them again . Tomorrow , I go to the therapist . I have been very weak for several days . It will be very interesting to hear how the therapist evaluates my situation . We came home for naps . I was really tired by then . The good news is that Todd and Bonnie arrived in the Portland area late last night . They were tired , but otherwise ok . August 1 , 2016 - - Yuma , ArizonaAnother new month has rolled around . It is hard to believe ! We drove around today , looking at more houses . Tomorrow , we will go with our realtor to take a more in depth look at a couple of them . I had a rather difficult day today . It was very hard for me to walk around inside of the MH . Bill ask if I wanted to stay home while he went to do errands . I decided I needed to get out and give it a try . I got a little more stable as the day went on . On Wednesday , I have my first visit with a therapist . I hope to see improvement , but I 'm not counting on anything very soon . I came home for an afternoon nap , but after one hour and not going to sleep , I got up . I had a good rest , but no nap . July 31 , 2016 - - Yuma , ArizonaWe spent a fair amount of time driving around looking at houses . We saw a couple we would like to take a look inside . We need to callthe realtor and arrange a time . We went to Taco Bell for lunch . It is one of our favorite places for something quick . Of course it comes in second behind In - N - Out . All of you should know that by now . I am tired tonight , which shouldn 't surprise any of you . It just mean I will cut this blog short tonight ! This was another busy , busy day . Bonnie and her group left this morning , heading for Oregon . We certainly wish them well . I , more than anyone else , know how difficult it is to travel when you 're feeling sick . I look back to the day when we left Brent 's a year and a half ago and am amazed at how much better I feel today . We drove around looking at houses , and figured we had earned a late lunch at In - N - Out . As usual , we enjoyed it very much . On the way home we scoped out a few more . The high today was only 100 ° . We still enjoyed the air conditioner in the Honda and the MH . Both keep us very cool . Bill wanted to know what I wanted for supper . I said I would like a banana and peanut butter . I thought we might have to call our friend , Gale , for the recipe , but Chef Bill finally remembered it . Tee , hee ! July 29 , 2016 - - Yuma , Arizonas We had a really a busy day today . I had to get up at 7 : 00 , dress , eat breakfast , and be ready to leave for a doctor 's appointment by 8 : 00 . Ugh ! It was just about more than this tired old body could take . After seeing the doctor , I had to go to another location for x - rays . It all took a lot of time . It was nearly 11 : 00 before we were finished with all the messing around . McAllisters didn 't get off on their Oregon journey today . We stopped by on our home to eat lunch . After eating , I took a nap before going to look at a couple of houses . Both houses had views of the mountains , but seemed crammed on the lots . We drove around looking at other places , but didn 't see anything that caught our interest . Bonnie called to see if they could walk over to see us after they ate . The pups loved that routine before we left for Colorado . It was quite a parade … Donnie pushing Todd in his wheelchair with Maggie riding on Todd 's lap . Bobby was in the middle and Bonnie was trying her best to keep Lexie moving forward . Todd was able to climb up the steps to get into the MH . We had a very good visit with them before they decided they needed to take to " old Man " home . I took Tylenol to try to ease the aches and pains , and went to bed early ! We moved the motorhome from the campground to the lot we were staying at last spring . It is just across a rock wall from where Todd and Bonnie have their MH parked . Too bad they are pulling out tomorrow about noon . We are really going to miss them , but hope it is a good move for Todd 's health . Tomorrow afternoon , we are meeting a real estate agent at 1 : 00 . There are a couple of houses we want to look at . We haven 't driven around some of the area we looked at , so maybe that will be part of the tour . Today was a busy , hectic day . Bill did some errands early this morning before it got too hot . He checked on two therapy places . I will call and ask Dr . Dhillon for orders to have the therapy started . My balance is really bad . A lot of you have known I am " slightly off balanced " for a long time . Well , this is different . It is more serious , sometimes causing me to fall down . He also went to see the ReMax Realtor , but the office was closed because everyone was out showing property . He 'll have to go back tomorrow . Bill came back to fetch me and we went to several places . Our main goal was to In - N - Out for lunch . Yum , yum ! We didn 't get there until about 2 : 30 and thought the crowd would be gone . Wrong ! The place was packed . Lots of people have discovered the best place to get hamburgers and fries . With very happy tummies , we " fed " the Honda at Sam 's Club before going home . I took a short nap before we went to see Todd and Bonnie . He had a very rough night , falling several times . They have several days until the long trek back to Oregon begins . It is late and I 'm tired so I will just say goodnight ! We stopped in Gila Bend this morning to eat our breakfast by the side of the road . Bill said I had three choices . I could have cereal , or cereal , or cereal . I told him there was a fourth choice … McDonald 's , across the street . As he went out the door with a smile on his face , I heard him mutter that he wondered if I knew how utterly spoiled I was . Yes ! I know and I 'm loving ever minute of it . Yea for fourth choices ! I know I am a day behind in my blog . Bill told me yesterday 's blog didn 't go through . I tried to post it this morning but lost the entire thing . . . gr - r - r - r - r - r - r ! I talked to Bonnie this afternoon . She said Todd is very weak . He sounds like my situation , only without the occasional good day thrown into the mix . He and I always hope for better days tomorrow . Today was rather hectic and I am very tired , so I won 't write much . We went to Meredith 's to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding 1 and 2 . They were both good . my grandmother 's saying , but I 'm not sure . She had lots of " sayings " and if I had written them down , I could 've written a book . Just what I need . . . another project . ) I felt as if I had a fever and I certainly was walking all wibbly wobbly . ( My saying . ) I sat down on the front seat of the MH and nearly fell off . Bill was able to catch me Bill and I did jobs around the motorhome this morning . There is a lot to do before we depart Loveland in less than a week . Lori and Michael went out to eat breakfast . There is a breakfast place next door to Origons where the boys and Meredith work . I didn 't hear any comments from anyone . By the time they got back home , I was about ready for lunch . Lori took me to Taco Bell , my favorite place other than In - N - Out . We took our time . It was very relaxing . The only place we got to go afterwards was Sprouts . I bought several kinds of fruit . Lori showed me a variety of items in the freezer section . There were lots of gluten free items . I am having to avoid gluten because of my intestinal upsets . It seems to be helping my situation . When Michelle finished work , we rested on her futon and visited . Of course , Tippy was there , too . He doesn 't get too far away from her . We heard the good news from the Denver Broncos Camp that Von Miller signed his contract with the team . It certainly was good news for all us fans . Ron invited us all to a signing celebration party . . . root beer floats . . . our typical celebration refreshments Lori and Michael flew into Denver and took the airport shuttle to Loveland . Bill and I picked them up at the shuttle station at 11 : 00 . After taking Bill back home , Lori , Michael , and I went to breakfast . We ate at the Loveland Breakfast Club . It was very crowded . Most of the customers had white hair . I 'm sorry to say , the food wasn 't anything to write home about . It was marginal , at best . After " company " got their luggage unloaded , we went to the Habitat Thrift Store . We spent quite a bit of time roaming up and down the aisles . Two of us bought a few items . Lori was the only who left the store empty handed . From there , we went to Walmart . It was nice going with someone who wasn 't in any particular hurry . One thing on my list was a new pair of capris . I didn 't take time to search the clothes racks . Lori assured me that we would go back another day … we usually go several times when Lori is here . Michelle and Matthew made lasagna for dinner . As usual , it was excellent . Meredith joined us . After dinner , we set around the table and talked and laughed . It was lots of fun . Happy 22nd Birthday , Natalia . JP and I both commented on how old we feel … you can 't be 22 already . I know you spent the weekend moving . Now I need your new address in Denver , please ! I spent most of the morning resting . . At 4 : 00 , Michelle , Tippy , and I went Meredith 's to sit in the shade , rest , and watch the boats out on the lake . It is such a relaxing place to spend time on a warm afternoon . When I got back to the MH , Bill said I looked more rested . We have several important chores to finish before we leave Loveland next week . I need to make a list so nothing gets left unfinished . JP and Rosie came for a visit . It was great having some time to talk to them . They are both adorable … the typical happily married young couple . We love them both ! Unfortunately , I had a mid afternoon doctor appointment . So I had to turn the " guest entertainment " over to Grandpa . Michelle and I got home about an hour before the two of them had to head for the airport . We enjoyed their visit and I 'm sure Natalia did , too . She moved to Denver this weekend , and I am positive she appreciated their help with that chore . The weather was nice while they were here . Colorado likes to show off for company ! The weather was nicer today … not nearly as warm , and not any threat of rain . Although with the forest fires , a good soaking rain is exactly what is needed . The closest fire to us is west of Bolder near the small town of Nederland . The helicopters are scooping huge buckets of water out of a small lake in Nederland . We have watched that process before , once from the Columbia River and once from a small stream in Yosemite National Park . It is an interesting process . Bill and I went to Taco Bell for lunch , with plans to go to Walmart after eating . It didn 't work out that way . The Walmart parking lot was packed , so we went home and took naps . After dinner of chicken , potatoes , and salad , Bill put me through a series of exercises to strengthen my legs . I have been so weak lately we are trying to build me up . I did the same routine this morning after breakfast . My allergies have kicked back in . The wind is blowing the pollen our way , and we are also getting smoke from the fires . I plan to go back on my Rx tonight . It was already warm when we got up this morning . We had the air conditioner on most of the day . The sun was shining and there were very few clouds in the sky . I haven 't done much on Brent 's quilt in the last few days . Fatigue has set back in . It really slows me down . None of the doctor 's I have been to have been any help . I am off some of the medicine that might have been part of the problem . When it gets out of my system , we 'll see if there is any improvement . Tonight we took Meredith and Dwaine to Cracker Barrel for dinner . It was a relaxing time , however the noise level was high . With my hearing problems , that is a real distraction . When we got home the temperature had come down somewhat . It was a lovely evening to sit in the back yard and relax . July 9 , 2016 - - Loveland , Colorado . July 9 , 2016 - - Loveland , ColoradoI was very " draggy " this morning . After eating breakfast I needed a nap . All that chewing took a lot of energy . While I was resting we watched a movie . It starred Andy Griffith and was billed as a comedy . We were very disappointed . It wasn 't at all funny . It was made during the early part of his career . I 'm surprised he made such a success in the movies . If you ever watch " Onionhead " you 'll see what I mean . We went to Meredith and Dwaine 's to sit in the backyard in the shade of the trees . It is such a pleasant place to spend time on a warm afternoon . JP and Rosie flew in today , spent some time with Natalia , and then came to Loveland . It was really good to see them . They will be here just a few days . It was really warm today . This afternoon , we probably had three drops of rain . Tonight , we had quite a bit of lightening . None of this has been any help to the grass or flowers . Michelle waters everyday . I think I heard the flowers whisper " thank you " today . Bill and I went to the library this morning . Our only reason for going was to return books I checked out last week . We are leaving Loveland sometime next week and I wasn 't enjoying either book enough to do a " fast read . " I bought a Tony Hillerman book at a garage sale . " Coyote Waits " is set in the Southwest . My brother , Jim , who lives in Santa Fe , is an acquaintance of his . Jim has commented on how much research Mr . Hillerman does for his books . Although he died in 2008 , his books give mystery fans like me lots of pleasure . Michelle 's next door neighbor had a garage sale today . Rosemary brought me a Denver Bronco sweatshirt . It was much appreciated . She knows how much I like the Broncos . Bill and I went to Walmart late this afternoon . I bought a pair of pants and a few groceries . I love shopping there , when I am feeling well . And today was a good day for me . It was not a good day for " your 's truly . " With errands to go on , and me with no energy , it was a lost cause . Finally , Bill decided to go it alone . He made quick work of just a few of the important one 's and left the others for tomorrow . Maybe I will feel better by then . I am very frustrated ! Needless to say , I didn 't accomplished anything on Brent 's build . That was a big disappointment for me ! Wish me better luck tomorrow . Bill was very busy this morning working on the motorhome . It just wore me out watching him work so hard . Of course , wearing myself out requires rest so I certainly felt justified taking an extra nap before lunch . Any excuse works for me ! Our errands for today were put off until tomorrow . I spent some time working on Brent 's Oregon Ducks Quilt . Don 't faint ! It has been at least a year and a half since I 've worked on it . In my mind I have promised myself I would get it finished and delivered . Well , today was the day start . I got most of one outside edge finished . That may sound like a lot , but it isn 't actually . At least is was a beginning ! We had such a good time at Meredith 's yesterday . Grilled hamburgers , cantaloup , deviled eggs , several kinds of chips … all made for happy tummies . After eating , we went to the front of the house and shared fireworks with several neighboring families . Matthew was the chief pyrotechnic . He loved the job . Everyone had a good time … except the dogs ! It was too loud for them . The weather was really nice . I , however , was wrapped in a blanket . I am usually cold , and last night was no different . This morning , Bill and I went to two doctor 's office . The FAX concerning my diabetic footwear got lost , and because of that , the shoes were never ordered . We went back to the foot doctor and canceled the order . We will have to go back to have it all redone when we get back to this part of the country . I was very tired from all the excitement yesterday , so I took several naps today . I hope to wake up in better shape tomorrow . We have several errands to go on . Our time here is growing short … just about two weeks . There are several important things to take care of before then . |
June 2017 May 2017 February 2017 October 2016 August 2016 June 2016 April 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 Tag : short story Newspaper Last week I had a pretty cool assignment that we all had to do in class : We were given pages from an old book filled with items that could be used for many things aside from their original purpose . We had to copy the language of the book and turn it into a quick , little story . I don 't know if my story has a plot - do stories need plots in order to be stories ? - but I like how this came out regardless . I 'm sure you could do this with any kind of dictionary - type book . These kinds of books are also good for erasures , which I will try to do at some point . But I plan on doing this exercise again when I 'm feeling stuck . Posted on February 24 , 2017February 24 , 2017Categories Free WritingTags creative writing , dark ages , fake news , fiction writing , flash fiction , government , news , newspaper , plot , politics , short story , short - short story , tiny text , writing exerciseLeave a comment on Newspaper Background Noise Here , I 'm focusing on two specific things . The first is the sound of my lines . You should notice the alliteration throughout the piece , but hopefully not to the point where it takes away from the story itself . The second is looking at something from multiple perspectives . This story was written as a homework assignment for a " Tiny Text " class which focuses on flash fiction , ten - minute plays , prose poems , and all other short forms of literature . Diana , despite having to dive headfirst into the dozens of papers that needed to be graded by Monday morning , woke up and went right to work with a big smile on her face . Diana was the disturbed individual you could find at the register of the grocery store whose attitude was never anything less than the happiest they had ever been . In fact , Diana worked at Doreen 's when she was in tenth grade with her best friend Diane , her next door neighbor , whose mom drove them to school every Monday , Wednesday , and Friday , while Diana 's dad drove on Tuesday and Thursday . Diana had a carafe of cold - brewed dark roast coffee from Dunkin ' Donuts waiting for her in the kitchen . She went to the fridge and found the fruit salad one of her students ' mothers had given to her as a gift for helping Francesca with her French history class . Diana taught English , but she spent two semesters abroad in France while at St . Francis College . After sitting down , feeling full and satisfied , energetic and ready to grade , she put The Beatles on Spotify and went right to Blackbird . Her father taught her the chords when she was in chorus so she could play guitar while she sang . She raised the volume but got herself distracted . She was happy she still remembered the chords and found the guitar her mother gave her as a graduation present , after receiving her teaching certification . She played and played until her fingers bled . Every song that came on brought back a happy memory . When she was on a roll , she couldn 't stop . But she soon realized what time it was and a panic ensued . It was Sunday night and the grades couldn 't wait any more than they already had . Plus , there was a lesson plan that needed to be made and approved by her mentoring teacher ; it was a requirement for newly hired teachers fresh out of college . In a fit of panic , she decided a movie would be best and went to bed exhausted , her fingers sore and a smile on her face , happy she still remembered everything from when she was in high school , despite the tears pouring down her face . Posted on February 17 , 2017February 17 , 2017Categories Fiction , Flash FictionTags blackbird , brooklyn , creative writing , fiction writing , flash fiction , guitar , guitarist , music , short story , teacher , teaching , the beatles2 Comments on Background Noise The Dark , Lonely Coffee Shop This is a short story piece where craft was more of the focus . I wanted to play around with anaphora , which is starting sentences with the same beginning repetitively . I also wanted to try out writing longer sentences . I really like how this story came out . I 'm hoping to expand upon it one day so look out for it . Enjoy ! Posted on February 16 , 2017February 16 , 2017Categories Fiction , Flash FictionTags black coffee , cancer , coffee shop , creative writing , fear , fiction writing , flash fiction , florida , micro fiction , neighbors , short story3 Comments on The Dark , Lonely Coffee Shop The Tiger Surprise , still here . Busy as always . I 'll be even busier soon with work and summer classes . Just wanted to post my final project for my lit theory class . It 's a collection of five flash fiction stories , based off quotes from an essay by Nietzsche . They can stand alone by themselves , but there are also connections to each other that make the piece work as a whole . Ignore the spacing as best you can . I 'm copying and pasting right from Word . Enjoy . People couldn 't help but comment on how the sun was close to finally coming out from behind the clouds . It had rained for over a week , heavy downpours that kept everyone inside . It was the first day where they could at least walk around . A young boy , six years old , was watching National Geographic with his father . On the television , a tiger waiting patiently in the tall grass saw an opportunity to ambush a deer and jumped on it . The boy 's father loved the weather , he was obsessed with it . They couldn 't leave the house without checking . First the television , the weather channel and then the local news , and then online . It couldn 't be too hot or too cold . Anything over eighty - five made him sweaty and uncomfortable ; anything under fifty would make him shiver . None of this mattered , though . Cabin fever had set in on him , he couldn 't stand the idea of another nature show , survival show gold mining show , or commercial for any of these shows . Neither he or his son barely had their jackets on before they were out the door . The zoo was already on its way out . People simply don 't go as often as they used to , not when they can sit inside and watch television all day or Youtube videos and Netflix on their computers and tablets . That day , it seemed as if everyone had the same idea . The zoo was clearly understaffed that day . Everyone seemed to be scrambling back and forth , going from exhibit to exhibit . The crowds overwhelmed the boy , but the father was glad to see everyone out again . The animals were kept below ground level , some going down almost fifteen feet , with rusted steel bars along the borders . Each zoo keeper had a set of keys to all the exhibits attached to their belts . The zoo couldn 't afford the more updated glass walls where one only needs to scan their I . D . card for access . Everyone was focused primarily on the primate exhibits towards the front of the zoo , closest to the parking lots , in case the sky opened up again . Towards the back , the lions , tigers , and leopards stayed in their dens , protected from the rain and wind , only coming out to eat . Only a few people , umbrellas in hand , ventured to the back of the zoo . It was close to lunch time , and the boy thought it would be like the shows , using live prey . But soon enough , the boy learned that the zookeepers use wheelbarrows to haul the meat . He also saw that the zookeeper had dropped his keys outside while trying to fix the wheel that got caught in a crack on the footpath . His mother always lets him play with her keys when they 're out shopping at Target . The jingle and the way the fluorescent lighting hits the metal , plus all the store cards and the clicker for the car with the red button on the back that he 's not supposed to touch but does anyway , he couldn 't fight his instinct to pick them up . His curiosity also got the better of him . If the zoo keeper could go into the exhibit with a wheelbarrow full of food , why couldn 't he just look for a second ? It would be just like on television where the keepers get close to the animals and sometimes pet them , or like the show on Netflix about the monks in China that keep the tigers on leashes , or the show about the man in New York City who kept a tiger in his apartment for years . The tiger wouldn 't even see the boy if he peeked only for a second . Signs all over the bars say not to climb over , that only staff can enter . The boy 's father , distracted by a young mother and her child passing by , didn 't see the boy go right for the front gate . The zookeeper , already long gone , still hadn 't checked his pocket for his keys . The dark grey sky opened up for a moment and everyone seemed to stop and stare , not at the sun , but up to the sky , absorbing its warmth for the first time in days . The boy , confused and distracted by the question didn 't notice how close he was to the steep hill directly in front of him . He tumbled all the way down the hill , screaming the entire way . Only then did his father realize he was missing . When the boy got up , he was face to face with one of the tigers at the mouth of the cave . At first , the boy seemed excited , and even tried to pet the beast . Still unaware of the danger he was in , he looked up at his father . Only when his father 's screams reached the bottom of the hill , did the boy realize his fatal mistake , unable to decide whether to run or turn back around . John couldn 't stand the idea of losing another job because of his anger . His mother used to tell him when he was little the needed to learn how to behave properly otherwise his anger would land him in prison or six feet under . His father skipped that lesson and let the belt do the talking . I 'd like to be able to tell you that I didn 't see it coming , and that his job started off well , but it was bad right from the start and only grew worse . John 's front yard was dark and covered in leaf litter . A tall red oak wouldn 't allow light to come down for flowers to grow in the spring . The thought of a green lawn was laughable . In the fall , acorns were attracted to the gutters like tiny magnets , clogging them almost entirely . If you look closely , you can see saplings peaking over the top , some with fully developed leaves . At almost 200 years old , the tree has become an important part of the neighborhood . It was the only landmark the town 's original settlers had when they moved from Northoak , a small farming village where the ground after so many years of being sown could no longer sustain them . They took the lonely red oak as a sign from God and descended from down the mountains to lay their claim . Every year , the block with the red oak tree holds a street fair in the tree 's honor , where fathers can bring their children and tell them about how their fathers brought them when they were little . If you look even closer at the tree , you would see two holes in the trunk . Those holes , I found out , had hooks in them . When John acted out , his father would bind his hands with rope and attach the rope to the hooks in the tree . The holes were just a little too high up on the tree for John to stand normally . If he got off his tiptoes , he would fall and the weight of his body would go straight to his wrists , the rope cutting deeper and deeper , the scars getting worse and worse . Some nights his father would let him just hang there , for minor offenses : coming home late , failing a test , skipping school , getting into fights . Other nights , if his father heard he was talking back to his mother , he would use the belt . It didn 't help that John was a small child growing up . He was constantly bullied in school for being so little . He walked through the halls as if he had a target on his back . He couldn 't relax for one second , even in the classrooms . Other students would throw things when the teacher turned her back . And our teacher would make a point of calling on John , because she knew he wasn 't paying attention . She would catch him sleeping in class at least twice a week . One hot summer day , a record high , 102 degrees , everyone was making fun of the long sleeve shirt John was wearing to hide the scars on his wrists and back . A couple students got together and planned to follow him home . They wanted to throw him into the once pristine river , now filled with garbage and and sewage . John fought with all of his might to keep his shirt on , as if his life depended on it . He knew if they took it off and saw the scars they would hate him more . It took four of them to hold him down . He managed to hit two in the face , he could feel Eddie 's nose cave into his fist and the warm blood bursting like a geyser into his face , blinding him . Two more kids came from behind and tackled John to the ground . They spit in his face while Eddie kicked John in the ribs and chest , knocking the wind out of him . After nearly two minute of not being able to breathe , he finally caved in . They ripped John 's shirt off and immediately saw the dark purple scars around his wrists . John rolled on his back to protect himself from the blows still coming from Eddie , revealing the scars all over his back , like the stripes of a tiger . The unhealed cuts from two nights ago reopened . I was watching from behind a tree a couple houses down . I didn 't want any of them to see me and ask me for help . I knew it would be bad when I saw them scream and run away . Curiosity got the better of me and went over to see what happened . John was on the floor crying hysterically , coughing up blood and holding his wrists as if he was possessed by them . When I sat him up , I gave him my shirt to use as a towel . I asked if he was okay and he smiled and vowed he would come back one day to kill the tree . I didn 't know what he meant . It was too out of place at the time , so I forgot about it . Shortly after the fight down by the river , John ran away and never came back . No one missed him , but no one forgot about him either . The other day I was so shocked to see him at the diner , I couldn 't even go up to him and say hi . Time didn 't do him any favors . He looked and smelled like an alcoholic . He came up to me and thanked me for helping him that day at the river , not even a " hello . " I asked if he was working and he said he just got laid off . I asked what the bucket in his hand was for , and he half - smiled , looking straight through me , and walked out . It turned out that the bucket had been filled with bleach and other harsh chemicals . The night before , he dug a hole close to the roots , hitting them with his shovel to further expose them and poured the chemicals into the ground . His whole life , he never saw the tree like everyone else did , a sign of hope . To him it was a sign of all the needless pain that his father put him through . When the thought of his father finally entered his head , he fell to his knees and cried . Tony was a slightly above average gardener with a wide open backyard . He started his garden when he first bought his house on Long Island . Growing up in Astoria , there was never any room to grow the fruits and vegetables his uncle grew in his garden in Quogue . There was never enough money either to buy a house with enough property to fulfill his dream . All or nothing , he 'd say . In Queens , he worked two fulltime jobs for ten years , both well paid , seven days a week . One was for rent , the other he saved entirely for a future down payment . Four days a week , Tony worked in a garden supply warehouse , exporting high - quality , American - made tools , pots , fertilizer , dirt , gardening books and dvd 's , and seed packs to local nurseries all over the country . Every day in the warehouse would bring Tony back to his uncle 's garden . There were giant tomato plants , string beans , broccoli , carrots , peppers , and herbs in pots all along the border . He remembered going there when he was little and playing in the dirt in the fall when everything died . After learning about composting , he regretted playing in the compost pile and using it to jump over the fence into the neighbor 's yard to get balls and toys that always flew over . When he did inventory , he would stop to look at all the books and find inspiration in all of them . When he got home late at night , around two in the morning , he would draw pictures of gardens that he hoped to one - day grow for himself . A farm upstate comes to mind with a lonely oak tree in the middle , field corn growing all around it , and sunflowers bordering the road and the river running next to it on the far side . When Tony 's not at the warehouse , you could find him in the kitchen at his father 's restaurant . In the summer , he 'd take trips upstate to buy fruits and vegetables right from the farm with the large oak tree in the middle . It was only a two - hour drive . To Tony , the four hours of freedom the highway provided him was enough to make it through his eighty hour weeks . And cooking with real ingredients makes all the difference in the restaurant industry . Places will say it 's cheaper to get the processed crap , shipped frozen from across the country , and that the cost isn 't worth it , but these places are wrong , their priorities are all wrong . They 're going in with a losing attitude . If you think you 're going to make it assuming you 're going to lose , you already lost . Tony worked for free for years at the restaurant and stood by his dishes . Now , with all the success as of recently , after that major food critic just happened to stop in on his way to another up - and - coming , big - name - executive - chef - leaving - Manhattan - for - an - inferior - borough 's restaurant , he fell in love with Tony 's favorite childhood meal : bowtie pasta with fresh ricotta , parmesan cheese , peas , and bacon . The critic forgot about the ( un ) original restaurant and left with a full stomach , coming again the next day to ensure Tony would never have to work again . Humbled by his success , Tony stayed in Astoria for another year , still going to the warehouse , but no longer staying late working doubles . And he still took those trips upstate . That would never change , he promised . In the middle of July , it was almost impossible to walk through Tony 's garden without hearing him yell at you for stepping on something . He grew everything , just like his uncle , plus zucchini , eggplant , cucumbers , garlic , onion , everything he used to get at the farm upstate . They switched over to some kind of GMO seed that grew giant , ungodly produce that ripened in less than a quarter of the time . Tony didn 't trust it , and if anyone asked at his restaurant for further details on where the food comes from , he knew he would have to tell them . He couldn 't live up to that and decided then to buy his house on Long Island , and a huge backyard . His garden took up most of it , and he even paid the neighbors to cut their trees lining the fences , offering to let them take anything they wanted from the garden as well . Here , he would have total control over what grew , and the warehouse was good to him and gave him everything he needed when he finally quit . Two years later , his restaurant 's success doubled - tripled . With a staff large enough to take care of themselves , Tony can focus entirely on his garden , only going in to drop off the produce . The years of hard work were finally catching up to him . Somedays , he had to call one of the guys in the kitchen to come to his house and pick it up . While pulling up a batch of onions , a dulled coin caught a little bit of sunlight and Tony 's attention . He couldn 't tell what it was , but he always hoped he would dig up some kind of treasure , not realizing he 's already been doing it . Driven by fatigue , he proceeded to dig up more of the garlic , and went into some of the tomatoes and string beans and broccoli . Before he knew it , half the garden was missing . Tony took a break and called the local museum and asked for help . " Come down and drop it off and we 'll have an answer next week , " they said . Tony 's excitement took hold of him . He was so eager to find more of those coins . He figured if the museum was interested , it had to be something , even if there was just one . Tony was slow to hang up the phone . The museum said there was a faded tiger on the front , but was essentially worthless - a novelty coin from Chinatown . He looked at what was his garden and wept . The coin looked so real . How would he break the bad news to the restaurant ? He tempted fate , thinking he could walk across the beam without a harness . On the ground , it wouldn 't be a problem , even if there was a sudden gust of wind . No one told him not to try it . Why would the thought even cross his mind ? Who is he again ? The brown guy ? We shouldn 't have to tell him . Where is he from ? Wrong choice of words . His mother , known for her temper , was reading in the living room , a giant book , maybe the dictionary . Before he could even process what he said , he was already down on the ground , her face less than a foot away from mine . Hardik could see down her shirt , so he closed my eyes , but she yelled at him to look at her and he obeyed . She hit him relentlessly with her closed fists hard enough to make him cry , but not bleed . " You 're sleeping outside ! " she yelled . " And no dinner . You better get used to it . The streets will be the only home you ever know if you don 't shape up . " He pointed to his toolbox he left on the scaffold and waved for me to go . We don 't need to speak to communicate . Hand signals suffice . I was hungry and didn 't think he would walk across without the harness . 500 feet in the air is enough to send a five - foot man flying if there 's a good enough gust . Harry 's a simple guy . I couldn 't imagine him doing this kind of work wherever he came from . I wonder how he even got this job . Look at him . Why did he have to go back in the first place ? We were going back up anyways . Firefighters , police , and ambulances can all be heard in the distance . Their sirens growing louder , their lights flashing in the windows as they turn sharply around the corners . How could he think straight when the boss was making him work doubles almost every night ? He took advantage of Harry , the cheap labor . Anyone new to this country will be taken advantage of by someone at some point . Minimum wage is ten dollars an hour , but you could offer a guy like Harry five and he 'd take it no questions asked . I wonder what he 's thinking about dangling there . Does he have family ? What would they think ? " You need to be fierce , like the tiger . Try to see yourself as one . Don 't let anyone take advantage of you . It 's easy where you 're going . " " You have an uncle just outside the city , in Queens . He lives near the train and said you can stay until you find work . But then you 're on your own . " The boss told Harry to go back and grab his bag , so no one would trip over it . Harry didn 't understand and shrugged his shoulders . The boss thought this was some sort of insult , throwing his lunch at Harry and storming off while pointing to the toolbox . As Harry went over to the box , afraid to waste any more time , he walked across the beam as a giant gust of wind blew . Dangling high enough in the air for the fall to kill him instantly , he looks back at his life and wonders if this was worth it . He had no money saved , and realized he couldn 't live in this apartment building if he saved every penny he made for two full lifetimes . But at least he can say he built it from scratch . Can the rich families that live here appreciate it like Harry ? The smile on his face and his fingertips slowly slip away say it 's worth the fall , to finally find a purpose . Bullets fly over Andy 's head as he crouches in cover behind a rock wall , close enough to feel their breeze , ironically bringing him a moment of relief from the 120 - degree desert air . It 's been so long that sweat no longer pours from his body . His waterlogged suit seems to be boiling rather than keeping him cool . No one knows how he ended up pinned down behind this wall , they haven 't even realized he 's missing yet . The rush of adrenaline numbs him ; he sees nothing but endless sand and the rock wall in front of him ; the drone of the machine gun deafens him ; his mouth so dry from the lack of water , the only thing he can taste is fear ; gunpowder and sand clog his nose . He knows this is where he will die . He makes a break for it . It takes everything in him to peel himself off the wall . Is it likely he makes it out alive ? No , but anything else would be a surprise . And off to the side , a building appears out of the cloud of dust surrounding him . The door is open , and it 's tough to tell if anyone 's inside , if he 's running right into the line of fire . His old commanding officer 's voice in his head tells him he will die if he doesn 't find better cover . As he runs to the building , a grenade goes off and there 's a small pause in the fire . He knows they 're reloading and runs faster . There 's a tiger painted on the door , and insurgents waiting inside . He hears them shuffling . With no time to spare he rushes in and clears them out . A family tucked away in their bedroom looks at Andy in horror . He rubs his hand across his face and through his hair . He notices a throb in his lower abdomen . The young boy points to the tiger on the door and cries . A high level insurgent has been reported in the area . Anyone capable of operating a rifle will be going door - to - door terrorizing families in hopes of capturing their man alive . Each team has one member of the special forces taking charge , guiding us through each house , some taking point , others guiding from behind like alpha wolves , covering our every move , reminding us to check our corners , look for trip wires . The four teams in total are planning to search an entire block of apartments from both sides , snipers all along the border picking off Taliban spotters on rooftops . Ten men to a team , five take the bottom floor , five take the top . The trick is coordinating the breaches at the same time . Stateside , every man has trained to the point where these raids are instinct . Nice , on paper , but never a guarantee . The routineness of the raids boosts confidence in the lower - ranked troops . In such foreign places , they look for normalcy around every corner . When they don 't have to think about the job at hand , they 're able to view the families less as people and more as an obstacle . They mean well , the guy they 're after deserves what 's coming to him . He runs a local Taliban militia that beheads first and asks later . If you look closely at the crowds of people going through the small , outdoor bazaar , you 're guaranteed to see at least three or four people with hands and legs cut off , acid burns still healing on women and children , scars across faces with missing eyes , limps from broken kneecaps . The door goes down , flashbang in ; the family rushes to the corner , the translator is already at work while the team searches the house for weapons , stowaways , and any kind of enemy intel . The intensity of the raids picks up as the teams get closer to their target . Andy chooses to lead from behind , spotting his team from the rear , looking for anything out of the ordinary . Already too late , he notices the stillness of the air , the overwhelming sound of silence . A machine gun opens fire from a neighboring ten - story window overlooking the entire block before they can breach . The team panics and charges inside . Rob , taking point , is taken down . I can still hear him spitting up blood . He dies in the hallway , drowning in his blood , unable to breathe after the bullet stays lodged in his throat . Knowing Andy 's behind me , I clear the first floor and pull Rob inside the house . I hear the team upstairs yelling at the terrified family upstairs . Someone else is asking for zip ties . Another finds a closet full of weapons . As the team rushed into the house , Andy was looking for the machine gun . He knew the closer he got to the tall building , the harder it would be for the gunner to spot him . But he tripped and fell behind a fallen stone from a half crumbled wall . He pushes his entire body against it . If he moves an inch he 's done for . He peaks his head up for a second and feels a bullet ricochet off the top of his helmet . Minutes pass like days behind the wall . Andy can 't stop thinking about why he signed up in the first place . What made him run away from his team ? What would his old commanding officer say ? Is it worth the trouble ? Is he ready to die ? Can he take a bullet ? Two ? It won 't be like the movies . Who , aside from his family and friends , will remember him ? After careful consideration , he realized it didn 't matter . He felt like he was making a difference . If he can get to that building next to the tall one , they might have a chance . He could break through the wall and find the target in the taller one . Where else would he be ? They must know we know . They want us to go in and get trapped in the building . Spotters probably have it covered , suicide bombers in the basement with their fingers on the trigger , ready to detonate themselves if it means killing all of us . Is either side really " right " or " wrong " ? Who are we to judge ? Posted on June 4 , 2016Categories Fiction , Flash Fiction , UncategorizedTags creative writing , english , fiction , fiction writing , flash fiction , life , nature , nietzsche , philosophy , short story , tiger , writingLeave a comment on The Tiger The Ocean Can you believe it ? Two days in a row ! I haven 't done this since the summer . How pathetic ! Anyways , I really like how this one came out . I 'm hoping that the more I do this , the easier it becomes and the less likely I 'll have to rely on prompts . I 'm already looking forward to what I 'm going to write about tomorrow ! So enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it ! Also , in case you 're wondering , I 'm almost done with the last Ferrante novel . A little over 100 pages to go . It 's incredibly sad that the series is finally coming to an end . I haven 't enjoyed reading anything as much as I enjoyed reading this series . If you haven 't hopped on the Ferrante bandwagon yet , I suggest you do . I 'm at a point right now where I can 't imagine reading anything else afterwards . I 've been lost out in the ocean for a little over a month , content . I often wonder if I 'm truly lost . Lost implies something has gone missing , when the opposite appears to be true . It appears that I 've been lost all my life , until now . I don 't write on my death bed - raft , I should say . Only little bursts of rain here and there , the big storms off in the distance , battering uncharted islands with nothing but gulls and other seabirds on the beaches , all only visiting . Soon , they 'll rise up using the ocean 's powerful gusts of wind , willfully giving themselves up to a power greater than anything they could have imagined . I love the different kinds of blues the ocean offers . In the shallows , before sunset when the light is yellow , the water is almost green . During the day , when the sun is at its highest in the sky , and the water is undisturbed , the water and sky become one , it 's truest color . It 's impossible to tell whether I 'm floating or flying . The horizon dissolves before my eyes . At night , under the white light of the moon and stars , the water is hard to see , but it 's starry reflection guides me through the endless night . The next morning , I knew it would come at some point , prayed it would , the sun rose slowly and I couldn 't help but smile . My line is tight and bouncing on the edge of the raft . Breakfast . There 's still lots of freshwater from the last rain shower . My books haven 't been ruined by the water yet , either . In my notebook , I attempt to draw the schools of fish darting back and forth underneath the raft . Larger fish underneath them are driving them up to the surface . The seabirds , who timed this moment perfectly , are out and diving deep into the water for an easy meal . The large school of fish knows well what 's happening , but they keep fighting for survival . Inspiration can be found in every inch of the ocean , and I 'm in the middle of it . What a blessing it is ! If I 'm lost , I hope I 'm never found . I hope to stay in the ocean for as long as I live . Each day I learn something new looking into the waters . New perspectives , fresh surprises , all unique , and all natural , waiting for someone to find the beauty in them . Every day I 'm out here , I tell myself how lucky I am that I 'm the one . And I know that as long as I continue to see the beauty in everything , only good things will come . Like the gulls , I 'm simply here to enjoy the ride . Posted on January 26 , 2016January 26 , 2016Categories Fiction , Flash FictionTags colors , creative writing , fiction , fiction writing , flash fiction , lost , nature , oceans , short story , survival , writer , writingLeave a comment on The Ocean Deep Down I know I haven 't posted anything in a while . I 'm catching up with so much reading that I had to put off when the semester started . I just finished the third book in the Neapolitan Series by Elena Ferrante and just started the fourth and final book . But it doesn 't mean I haven 't been writing at all . One of my professors told us about a website that posts pictures and people have only one hour to write a 50 - 500 word story based on that picture . I decided to try it out and my story was one of a bunch that were mentioned on Twitter . Follow the link and give it a read ! . @ nick _ campanella this is how it feels to be lonely and small - in the dark water : https : / / t . co / uyhecEOk95 Posted on December 27 , 2015Categories Fiction , Flash Fiction , UncategorizedTags creative writing , fiction , fiction writing , flash fiction , micro fiction , nature , photography , short story , writer , writingLeave a comment on Deep Down A Run A couple days ago , I went for a run through Massapequa Park . It became my go - to place while training for the Tough Mudder over the summer . Running during the height of the fall season is absolutely amazing . It instantly reminded me of walking through the paths on my property upstate . My last run was cold and not fun , but there was a moment about half way through that struck me deeply . I couldn 't not write about it . One moment was enough to distract me long enough to get through the run , and was enough to create this post . Enjoy . Seeds from the tall grass surrounding the stream floated in the wind as I ran by , catching the light of the morning sun like snowflakes . Fallen leaves litter the dirt path , the aroma bursting with every step forward . I said a mile ago I would stop to take a break , but I knew I would find an excuse to turn back and try again another day . My lungs are always first to give out . Years of lifting strengthened my legs to the point where they never feel tired . But it doesn 't matter if you can 't breathe . I can 't run if I think I 'm about to die . The inhaler in my pocket validated these thoughts . Four miles ? The red oaks are the last of the trees to drop their leaves , a good enough distraction for me . I can tell how far I 've gone not by the mile markers , but by the surrounding landscape . If I look at the numbers on the path , the ones that other people have gone out of their way to clear , I start thinking about how much further until I finish . If I 'm thinking about the finish before I actually finish , I 've already finished . As long as I don 't know where I 'm going or don 't know how far I have left to go , I can enjoy the surroundings and allow them to clear my mind . On the other side of the stream , a father and son are fishing . The father must know the fish are inactive this late in the season , but the son must know what the rush is like from hooking the unknown . I look back to the pond upstate , and my first blue fishing rod still hanging up in the garage . I left my phone in the car so there is no real way of guessing how long I 've been running for . I do it by feel . Almost immediately , the cold , November air blasts my lungs , the taste of maybe blood lingers in the back of my dry throat . The water I brought with me does nothing to help . The sun was still low enough in the sky to pass its soft light through the trees . I loved the way it danced on the passing bike riders flying gracefully down the path . After a certain point , around mile three , I ran under the potential widow - maker that tells me I 'm getting close . Up ahead is where the stream goes under the street I have to cross , where ducks and swans congregate and sometimes rest on the path . It was hard to breathe before , but now it 's impossible . The only thing I can think about is getting to the train tracks on the far side of the pond . My thoughts are short and quick , timed perfectly with every breath I take . No one else is around to cheer me on . I accidentally looked down at the . 3 mile marker and nearly psyched myself out . I said I would stop now and take a puff from my inhaler so I can run a little more on the way back to the car . I looked at my water bottle and noticed it was almost empty , and almost immediately I began to feel my sides riPage 1 |
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