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We 're back at Jim Lyon 's wedding now , talking about why our band had never panned out , why Coldplay had somehow become the biggest rock act in the world instead of us . This was a part of that conversation , why our talent never led to greater things ; why our talent could just dissolve like that ( because we had been talented we insisted ) ; why we 'd never made it to making an album , playing more shows ; why the band hadn 't lasted past college and Lex 's move to New York . To him , it was all because we didn 't make the right moves , didn 't follow the guidebook closely enough . For him there was a guidebook . At least in retrospect . I 've never been one for guides , paint by numbers paths to the stars , algorithms that predict success . I have to disagree . " I don 't think that 's it , " I say . " I think you and I were too close , and we never let anyone else in . There was Pete for a while , we would have let him in , but he had his own thing . Gabe was serviceable and I liked him a lot but he was never in it for the long haul . The fact was , you and I had trouble letting people into our thing . We never found the musicians who could play with us . Or not just with us , but who could contribute something substantial to the sound . " Maybe the truth is somewhere in between , as most truths are . Why didn 't we try to play other shows ? I mean , yes , we were a two piece , and there weren 't many two - piece models in rock pre - White Stripes . We weren 't entirely certain how to exist without a bassist , but we played some good songs , just the two of us . A cover of " Tales of Brave Ulysses . " A strangely complex , and yet hypnotic and beautiful , song I 'd written on my Rickenbacker twelve string called " Skyline Drive " for which no recording exists . We jammed together the next four years , just the two of us , but we never thought to take it out of his basement and onto the stage . There was a bar scene . Maybe we could have called Pete and opened for his band . But I didn 't have the confidence to go up , just me and Lex . I was content with recording demos , but most of the songs I was not writing were hard to get down on tape because of tempo changes and ornate structures . I was getting bored with verse - chorus - verse . So we ended up recording bits and pieces , riffs with potential . Lex learned to paint , and I learned to write . I 've started to get away from scenes in the past few sections because they felt too fabricated , all my past is too far away , my memory not as keen as it once was , and yet I 've returned to one here because this was only August , and still , it has a made - up feel . We said something like this , if not these exact words . We spoke of a break between us . We spoke of why it happened , but as we stood , talking , I realized a break had never occurred , not really . There was never a point at which he or I had said to the other that we never wanted to see or speak to each other again . In fact , I 'd always been able to get ahold of him if I really needed to . His number has been stored in my phone all these years . On the morning I found out Rick had been shot in Old City , I made the rounds and called everyone . I hadn 't spoken to Lex in almost three years , but I left a message and he called me right back . We didn 't call each other to shoot the shit , those days were past , but if something was important , I could reach him . And so Rick died , and we had gathered at the William R . May Funeral Home to say goodbye to our old friend , a friend we 'd drifted away from around my junior year of college . We had drifted away from Sonny Ford earlier than this . Before I left for Rome , we 'd set a distance . Part of it was that Sonny was having problems that we couldn 't solve for him . Part of it was that we knew that Lex and I and Jim would end up leaving Glenside while Rick and Sonny would stay behind . But Rick hadn 't stayed behind . While Lex and Jim had moved to New York , I 'd moved to Philly , and Rick had too . We weren 't connected any more and I 'd see him around , but we 'd ignore each other . The last time I saw him we were both at the bar National Mechanics . He was two tables away and I spotted him . He had new friends , he was laughing . I had new friends too . " I don 't know what happened . They found him in his apartment . He was with friends , and they ordered a pizza , and after a while they left , and someone shot him in the head . His roommate came home and found him . His mom 's at the hospital now . They took him to Jefferson . Can you go and see her ? She 's all alone . " I went to my room and got dressed and told Kristine what had happened . Rick was an old friend of mine , and his mom was a friend of our family . She 'd been there for us all over the years . She 'd tutored us all in math . She read my papers for school , my stories . Of course , I wanted to be there . We lived in South Philly , and I half - ran , half - jogged down tenth street to Jefferson . When I got there and told him who I was there to see , a cop came over and asked a few questions , but when it was clear I didn 't know anything about what had happened and wasn 't there to finish the job , he left me alone . Rick 's mom came down and met me in a small cafeteria on the mezzanine . She was shook up . " I don 't think they 'll let you up to see him , " she told me . " There 's a cop stationed at the door . Besides , you wouldn 't recognize him . His head 's all wrapped in bandages . " I had gone there thinking that there was something I could do , but there wasn 't . The call that woke me was unexpected , unreal . Rick had been shot . I 'd assumed that maybe he just winged himself . That he was going to be all right . Even after my mom told me what happened , I still didn 't believe it . But here , the reality set in : he was going to die . She told me she 'd called his dad in Texas , they were planning to take him off life support later that afternoon . He was already technically gone . " I have to get back , " she said . I got up and left . It was a brisk gray November morning . I pulled out my phone and started to call around . First was Jim . Jim was the only guy from the group of friends I 'd grown up with that I still talked to on a regular basis , even though he was the last guy we 'd become friends with and the last that any of us had wanted to become friends with . We had seen him at first as a pest . He was in the grade below us . He was nearly two years younger than Lex and six months younger than me . He was a slender kid , who started to show up at Sonny Ford 's house in the summer between our junior and senior years of high school . He lived down the street from Lex , so we 'd seen him around , but I 'm not sure who invited him over . He 'd drive down Paxon Ave . in his blue and white Bronco , and we 'd see him coming and clear out . We 'd go somewhere else and he 'd follow . But he wanted to be an artist , and he sensed this in Lex and me , and he glommed onto it . Or maybe it was a weed smoking thing , since he and Lex didn 't start painting seriously until much later . In any case , he was a persistent son of a bitch . We made fun of him . Tony P . , whenever Tony P . came around , called him Ethy because of how skinny he was . And still , he kept coming . And as Drew Schiff and Tony drifted away from the group and made new connections , developed new interests , found new lives , Jim became a fixture . In fact , Jim moved to New York with Lex when the opportunity arose - there 'd been a spot for me , but I declined - and he 'd been living there ever since . When Lex got married , Jim had moved to Jersey City which is where he lived now . He picked up after a few rings . It made me feel like less of a dick that this was his first thought too . That our minds didn 't instantly go to murder was more the result of the fact that people we knew didn 't get murdered . Rick had always been clumsy , so our thoughts went there . That was the first thing . The next , of course , was that Rick had money , the result of some vague lawsuit from when he was young . Could it be robbery gone wrong ? Then there was drugs . Rick was a pothead . But when we 'd known him he wasn 't above dabbling with harder stuff . This was all floating out there , unsaid . In the coming days , he 'd call me back and we 'd kicked around ideas . Why had it happened ? What had been going on in Rick 's life that led to this ? We 'd all fallen out of touch with him , so we could only conjecture . The police had no leads . How does someone not hear a gunshot in Old City on a Friday night ? I wondered , again and again . Was it a hit ? Had someone used a silencer ? I didn 't know the first thing about firearms . Maybe the people there thought it was firecrackers . I didn 't know how to feel . I hadn 't much liked Rick in our final years as friends , and yet , no one deserved what had happened to him . He was my first friend in that group . He 'd wandered up to me on Keswick Avenue shortly after he and his mother had moved to Glenside . We were just about to enter the second grade , and he 'd asked me to play with him . Just like that : " Do you want to play with me ? " There was no guile in him at that point . Nothing of the future irresponsibility I 'd become so critical of as we entered our twenties and he fathered two children with a teenage girl whom he then proceeded to care for only monetarily . I 'd been hard on him . I 'd turned my back on him because he didn 't acknowledge them . I was betting the friends who knew him in those final years weren 't even aware that he had any kids . It wasn 't as if we were living in an age where his lack of recognition would mar their social status in any way , but still , he was absent . It had rankled , but I felt like all was forgiven now . All had to be forgiven . Only a fool would hold his grudge against the dead . And still , he came to me in my sleep . I woke one night after a dream of him and opened my eyes and he was standing there , a ghostly image that faded away as I came back to full consciousness . We had always been kind of jerks toward Rick . We 'd made him our jester , our fool . And I spent the weeks after his death wondering whether things would have been different if we 'd been better friends to him ; if I 'd been a better friend . The last person I had to call was Sonny , and that was the hardest to make . Sonny , from what I 'd gathered , was still living with his parents . I remembered the number there , even though I hadn 't dialed it in years . While I 'd felt no guilt in turning my back on Rick , I thought of Sonny often , of how we 'd left things . We had abandoned Sonny . There 's no other way to put it . Every one of us . Rick , Jim , me and Lex . It happened the summer before I went to Rome , my junior year of college . We 'd convinced ourselves that the decision we 'd come to was good for him , but the ease with which we 'd arrived at this decision proved only that it was good for us . I had a girlfriend then , my second in college , and that 's what it started , with the end of our relationship . This was the girl who disappeared , the one who 'd left in a frenzied state the night in question , a night for which I 'd purchased tickets for us to see Orpheus Descending at the Wilma Theater . And I wanted to find someone who could use them . This was pre - cell phone , so I had to call round to houses . I called Lex first but he wasn 't home , and then I tried Jim . They were out together downtown , his mother informed me . I hung up and called Sonny . He was in his room , " Nah , man , I 'm cool , " he said . " I 'm just gonna chill here . " His room was where we always hung out when we had nothing to do . " But your just gonna sit around and smoke pot , " I thought . But I was never one to push , not like Lex . I called Rick , but he wasn 't home either . So I thought to page Jim . His parents had bought him one of those little pagers you could clip on your pants . I 'd dial the number , and mine would show up on a screen on top , and he 'd call me back if he felt like it . I didn 't know what happened . I couldn 't explain it . All I knew was that I didn 't want to be alone . I had a trailpass , which I used to take the train to and from school , and it also took me into town . I hopped on the next and rode into the city to meet them . I told them I 'd be out front of the Wilma Theater . I asked if he and Lex wanted to use the tickets . I didn 't have to see the play myself , but I didn 't want them to go to waste . But Lex and Jim declined . It was a nice summer night . They didn 't want to be inside . I spotted two kids about my age who were sitting atop the marble slab above the Walnut - Locust subway stop entrance . They looked like University of the Arts students . One of them , the guy , wore a fedora . He looked kind of like Duckie from Pretty in Pink . The hipster style of the late nineties . The other was a girl with her hair dyed pink . They looked at me like I was running a con . " Yeah , it 's not a trick . Broke up with my girl . Well , maybe broke up . In any case , I can 't use them . But I don 't want them going to waste . " I saw Lex and Jim turn the corner on Spruce . I handed the students the tickets . " Well , we were gonna go to the show . But we had some time to kill beforehand . And no one was home … so , I went down on her . " Lex waved him off . " So what ? It doesn 't seem unreasonable to ask her for reciprocation after you just did it for her ? I mean that 's part of a relationship . " " Oh , go fuck yourself , Jim . How would you ask ? Oh , that 's right . You don 't have that problem . Because you don 't have a girl . " " ' Would you do me ? ' " he said . He kept laughing . I had to laugh too . He was right . It wasn 't exactly cool or smooth . And I could either be terribly embarrassed or recognize that there was humor in it . " I don 't know . I don 't think so . But I think that all the sex stuff has been one - way . You do things for her , and she won 't do them back . And if you 're okay with that , it 's cool . But it sounds like you want certain things that she 's not going to be able to offer , and you just can 't go on like that . Resentments build up . Even if you try to act like you 're okay with it . " It 's been over fifteen years since that night , and in that time , I 've learned there isn 't really a smooth way to make the request I made . Either your partner reciprocates in the heat of the moment or they don 't . This doesn 't mean that I haven 't on occasion asked , and asking , on occasion , does meet with success . But I was so inexperienced then , I worried that I had done something wrong . I hadn 't expected her reaction . " No , I don 't want to , " seemed a reasonable response . But to stand up and storm out , this left me utterly shaken and profoundly confused . I had asked harboring the naive impression that maybe reciprocation hadn 't occurred to her . That maybe she didn 't think that I wanted it . Or maybe she was scared to initiate it , and if I just let her know it was okay , then she 'd do it . She was only a little more experienced than I was . So I said , " Would you do me ? " And now I was in the city , with my friends , walking around aimlessly . Eventually , we found our way to Tower Records on 7th and South Street where I bought a few CDs . This always made me feel better . I didn 't know what I 'd do . How I 'd wait . I didn 't want to break up with her . I didn 't want her to break up with me . I wanted to talk and work through it . I didn 't like what Lex had said . We could work through things , that 's what couples do . And yet , it wasn 't really working . My girlfriend and I hardly had anything to talk about . Usually , we hung out in my room and watched a movie and made out . We 'd go to the movies or drive around . But we didn 't talk . I simply refused to recognize it . I was in a phase of wanting every relationship I was in to work out , to last . Because I didn 't have any girlfriends in high school , I assumed that girls didn 't like me , so if I got one , if one agreed to date me , I should do my best to hold onto her . Because who knew when the next would arrive , when that anomaly would occur and one would take an interest in awkward , gangly , frizzy - haired me . " Dude , that 's fucked , " Lex said . " You know that Sonny 's got nothing better to do tonight . He probably skipped it to smoke pot in his room and watch the Phillies game . " We decided to head over there . We had nothing else to do . When we arrived we found Sonny and Rick in Rick 's room , slumped across Rick 's mattress , glassy - eyed and playing Play Station , just like we 'd expected . There was music coming from Rick 's stereo . But I figured it was just something random , so I unwrapped my CDs and put one in . Among me and my friends , making mixtapes was a competitive act . We 'd try to impress and outdo each other by blending similar sounding songs together , by crafting a mood using other people 's poetry . It was pretty firmly established that I made the best mixes . But there were always pretenders to the crown . And I recognized that Sonny had made this mix in hopes of impressing us , and maybe me most of all . But in that moment , I didn 't much care . I popped my CD out of the player , put his mix back on , and said , " All right . I 'm not feeling this now . I 'm gonna go . " I walked out into the night and turned left and started walking toward Easton Road . This was me at my most content , walking , letting my thoughts swirl around . And yet , I wasn 't content . But it wasn 't Sonny or the mixtape that bothered me . I didn 't mean to insult Sonny by turning off his tape , and I wasn 't angered by his reaction . I wasn 't even that hurt that he didn 't decide to take the extra ticket and come with me to see the play . I simply didn 't want have the same discussions / arguments we had every night in Rick 's room or Sonny 's room . I didn 't want to sit there in the bong haze of that dark and depressing room , the blue glow of TV painting our zoned out faces , getting a contact high . I wanted time to think . Had I done something wrong ? Should I apologize to her for asking ? Was it wrong to have asked ? Men and women in relationship did these things for each other , right ? I didn 't want to be an asshole , but I wanted to share these things with someone . Lex was right in that . I liked doing things to make her happy , but I wanted things for me too . And part of my asking was born of the feeling she 'd forgotten about me . We 'd been together six months . In that time , I 'd learned how to get her off . She even sometimes pushed my head down lightly and thrust her hips up rather than ask to indicate she wanted me to do it . But I rarely got there myself . Was I being a typical guy ? Was I thinking in terms of duration should equate with acts ? Should I have changed my thinking , been patient . I kept telling myself , We 'll get there . She just has to feel comfortable . And I kept waiting , and finally , I 'd asked for what I wanted . I didn 't think I 'd applied any emotional pressure . I had tried to ask as benevolently as possible . But maybe the pressure was just there , born of the fact she knew the question would come at some point , arising out of the truth that she wasn 't ready and knew it and knew that if she couldn 't deliver , I might be disappointed , and she wouldn 't want to disappoint me because she did like me . But this was all conjecture . Until we talked , I wouldn 't know for sure . Was this going to happen every time , with every girl ? Would there even be another girl ? A next time around ? And when did everything start to become so complicated ? " I still can 't believe he wouldn 't go with you , " Lex said . " He wasted those tickets . He would have had a good time too . " " No , man . It 's not cool . Did you see them in there , laying around stoned ? I mean , he couldn 't go to a play with you ? One night of his life ? When your girl walked out ? " I couldn 't understand right then why his focus was Sonny . I 'm still not sure at a fifteen year remove why he chose this line . Did he know he planned to do when he left me ? Am I ascribing too much forethought to Lex ? That 's highly likely . He was bright , and he understood people . He could read their weaknesses , understand motives . And maybe he wanted things to end as they did . Maybe he was looking for a reason to push Sonny out . But I 'm not sure why , not right then . I think all three of us , Jim , Lex , and I , understood that we wouldn 't be friends with Rick and Sonny forever . That at some point a separation would occur . We were already talking about moving to New York after I graduated , and we knew that Sonny and Rick weren 't coming with us . But that was two years away . Jim was heading off to travel with the theater troupe , Up With People . I was going to Rome at summer 's end . If Lex lost Sonny and Rick now , he 'd have no one . He 'd be alone . So I can 't believe he went back to Rick 's with the intention of setting in motion a chain of events that led to us boxing Sonny out , turning our backs on him . But that 's what happened . " What 's got up his ass , " Jim said . And we both kept walking . We circled around back to Keswick and Jim left me at my parents ' door . I walked inside , wondering if she 'd called . My parents were sleeping . But there was a note on the whiteboard in the kitchen that she had . I picked up the cordless phone and called her back . She picked up after two rings . She had a private line in her room . She must have been waiting for me to call . I waited and held my breath . I didn 't want to make a noise as she worked up the courage to tell me . Looking back , it feels like I knew . Or should have known . But I didn 't know . I couldn 't have known . If I 'd known , I wouldn 't have been so glib about it with my friends . I probably wouldn 't have told them at all . Things like that didn 't happen to the people I knew . But of course , things like that always happen to the people we know . " I have a cousin who used to babysit me … " she said . I sat listening , but right as she started to tell me , I heard a knock on the door . I was sitting on the sofa in the living room . From there , whoever was knocking could see me . I tried to ignore it , but the knocking became insistent . " Jay , " I heard Jim say , " Jason , open up . It 's important . " I sat and watched his outline at the curtain . " Jay , come on , we need you now . Open up . " Her story hung by a thread . I knew it was hard to open up , so I didn 't stop her . Instead , I opened up the front door and held up a hand . I took the receiver away from my lips and mouthed , " Not really a good time … " " Sonny slit his wrists , " he said . " We 're not sure how bad . He only showed Lex . He showed him his wrists and the knife he used and the knife was covered with blood . He 's at the courts right now . He 's screaming and bashing his head against the blacktop . " I put my lips back to the phone and held a finger up for Jim . " I 'll be right with you , " I told him . " I just … I have to handle this first . " My thoughts were with her and with him . She 'd been hurt years ago , in a way that had she hadn 't reckoned with , in a way that might have been irreversible . She was trying to tell me about it . Meanwhile , in the night , my friend was hurting himself . He 'd hurt for years too . Both were hurts that happened beneath the surface , hurts they kept closed up until now when both were revealed at the same time , and I didn 't know what to do . They both needed me . I had a feeling if I got off the phone prematurely I 'd never hear from her again . Yet , I had a feeling too that if I didn 't race to Sonny , if I didn 't help when he was crying out , I wouldn 't forgive myself . So I waited for her to finish telling me . I stood on my porch in stocking feet , staring down toward Renninger field , and I listened and waited , my stomach bound tight within the fabric of my throat . I felt responsible for everyone , for her and for him . And I didn 't know what to do . There was silence again . She had finished . " I 'm so sorry , " I said . " I 'm sorry that happened to you . I 'm sorry if you felt any pressure today . I understand . " I meant it , but it sounded disingenuous . I was thinking of Sonny too . My attention was divided , my heart in two places at once . And I wasn 't equipped to deal with either situation . I sensed my own ineptitude . I was woefully out of my depth . I wasn 't close with Sonny . Lex was closer . Rick was closer . Jim was closer . But I 'd always liked Sonny . I wondered what Lex had said to set him off . Had he really slit his wrists ? Was it a cry for help ? How serious was it ? I couldn 't tell until I got there . But I couldn 't leave this as it was . We were silent again . I kept searching for words to let her know she 'd gotten through , that we could work our way through this . But she said , " I think I need to be by myself now . I 'm not sure this relationship is working for me . " I didn 't want that at all . It wasn 't the result I was looking for , but I didn 't know what to say to convince her otherwise . I 'm not sure I entirely understood the weight of what she 'd just revealed . " Maybe we can talk tomorrow ? I mean , it 's cool , we can back off and cool it . Maybe just be friends for a bit . But you might feel different in the morning ? But we can be friends . " " Sure , " she told me , " maybe . " And then we hung up . I 'm not sure if I knew then but I suspected that our relationship was over . There was too much contained within those few hours to get past , to continue . We talked a few more times in the coming week , but never saw each other again , and when I got back from Rome , she was gone . I couldn 't find her on campus . She 'd just simply vanished . I turned down Parkside Avenue and reached the courts . Though it was midsummer , Sonny was wearing an oversized sweater . He 'd pulled the cuffs of the sleeves over his wrists . Sonny had a hard life . We all knew about it . His older brother had been a funny popular guy who Sonny had looked up to , but when his brother was in his late - teens he 'd started showing signs of mental illness and been diagnosed as schizophrenic . Though his parents were still married , I hadn 't seen them speak more than a few sentences to one another in the entire time I 'd known him . Usually , his mother holed up in the bedroom , chain - smoking and watching daytime TV , talk shows , soap operas while his father ran around the neighborhood . Running and running as though to forget their troubles . Sonny himself had learning disabilities and was dumped in a school that didn 't do much for him , despite the fact that he was bright , cunning , street - smart . His mind was sharp . He understood emotions easily , quickly . He was perhaps the most sensitive of the five of us . He had a good heart , he was a loyal friend . And here he was , lying on the ground , banging his head against the cement , swearing that he was no good . I asked Lex what he 'd said . I was standing there in socks . After I 'd hung up the phone , I hadn 't thought to put shoes on . But my words had no effect . The only one who had an effect was Lex . The only one whose words meant anything . Part of my distance from him was that he couldn 't offer me much . Or , he could , but what he could offer was offset by his house , the life around him , which frightened me . It was divided by his brother 's illness , sinking , most of all , depressing to be in . And since I was hardly strong enough to believe fully that I 'd ever really make it out of Glenside , which was all I wanted , I certainly didn 't think I 'd be able to pull him with me . And this meant letting him go at some point . In this way , I can 't escape the bald truth that Lex and I were alike . Whatever I couldn 't deal with emotionally had to fall by the wayside . But not like this . I didn 't want it to be like this . " The cops are gonna come soon , " I said . " They 're gonna haul him off and throw him in a holding cell . That 's the last thing he needs . Help me get him up . " But it was too late . I looked up across Renninger Field and saw a squad car cruising down Keswick . It turned onto Parkside . It flashed its lights , one loud blip and Sonny was up and out of our hands . He dashed across the courts and down the stairs and into the woods behind them . For a big guy , Sonny was swift and agile . He knew the woods back there , and if given chase , the cops would have a tough time catching him . " What do we tell them ? " I said . " Did he slit his wrists ? Do you think it 's bad ? I don 't think it 's too bad . He couldn 't run like that if it was . " " I don 't know , " Lex offered . " All I know is if we tell the cops he slit his wrists they 're gonna take him to the psych ward . And with his brother being like he is , that 's probably the worst thing for him right now . " " Well , we 're going to have to find him and talk to him , " the officer said . In the meantime , two other squad cars had rolled past on Keswick . One had turned up Waverly Road , past the playground on the other side of the creek . I could see it shining its spotlight into the woods , the beam waving about over the swings set and sliding boards . " If we see him we 'll try to stop him , " Rick said . It was typical Rick , his tone at once deferential and snide , irreverent and brown - nosing . I never understood how he struck that balance , and only he could do it . But the officer 's stare lingered on him . For as much as I found the tone Rick struck fascinating , it was also dumb . It drew attention and I would have thought the last thing Rick wanted , with all his drug paraphernalia , was attention . The officer 's gaze lingered but left him . He turned and went back to his car and drove to join the search . Our group convened and walked across the field , back toward Rick 's . It was out of our hands . Our friend 's fate was his own . Still , the question lingered : should we tell them about his wrists . I was convinced by this point that if he 'd cut himself , it wasn 't deep . My opinion remained it might be better to keep it to ourselves . But as time wore on and the squad cars circled the block , Lex changed his mind . Part of this was that he 'd called his mom , who was a nurse . We had to give the cops all the facts , she said . They couldn 't help Sonny if we weren 't up front . The best option for him was probably the psych ward , she said . So the next time a squad car passed , we flagged it down . Jim had gone out to look for him , as had Rick while Lex and I waited , back at Rick 's house . Our eyes scanned the field . There were woods behind the houses on Parkside as well , a dirt driveway that ran the length of the street , a row of rundown garages . And then we spotted Jim emerging from there . We ran over to meet him . " I hate to break it to you , boys . But it was ketchup . It was all over his sleeves . And if he didn 't really cut himself , there 's nothing we can do . " No one was angrier than Lex . Sonny had shown him his wrists . He 'd shown him the knife , and it had all been fake . A cry for help , Sonny was desperate , we all acknowledged that . But it hadn 't been real . We broke it up and went home . It was late and there was nothing left to do . We weren 't going to drive to the station and bail him out or protest . The cop told us he 'd be released after he slept it off . And the next day , Lex called us all together . He 'd gathered materials , pamphlets . " Sonny needs help , " he told us . " It 's help we can 't give him . I think we 're only enabling him by hanging out . He stays in his room all the time and drinks and smokes pot . And we come to his house and hang out and do it with him . And it 's got to stop . He 's falling further and further into depression . I have information on counselors and insurance we can give him , but I think that we need to create some distance . " We all agreed . I didn 't take much convincing myself . I hate to admit it , but I knew that if the break had to happen between us , this was the cleanest way to make it . We could , of course , allow some drift to occur , stop showing up to hang out , let things take their course . But it seemed best to first rally around Sonny and suggest that he get help . It was then up to him to take our advice or leave it . But it still felt underhanded . As much as I was for the plan , there was an ache . It felt so much like betrayal . If we wanted to help him , then why didn 't Rick stop smoking and drinking , or Lex ? Why didn 't we stop spending all our time confined to two bedrooms , playing video games every night ? Why didn 't we get out ? We had a whole city at our disposal . It wasn 't New York , but Philly was great in its own right . I had tried it . Tickets to the theater . That plan had backfired , but it wouldn 't every time . And there were the Ritz movie houses . We could go see films . Not blockbusters , but art movies . We could broaden our reach , expand our minds that way . Of course , this was my plan . I 'd already started to break out on my own . I 'd made friends in college . I was spending more and more time in the city . I 'd started a book club with a guy in my Intellectual Heritage class , and we met downtown . The friends I made there would end up being the friends I lived with once I graduated and decided not to move to New York . I was taking small steps , but I was heading the direction I wanted . Still , Rome was complicating things . I was leaving , so I couldn 't say , " Why don 't we do it this way ? " Because I would be gone . The decision we made now affected Sonny . It affected Lex and Rick . It had nothing to do with me . It had little to do with Jim . So we offered up no protest . We marched into his room and told him he needed help and we couldn 't keep doing the same things we were doing . We couldn 't keep hanging out . If he needed support or help , he could call us . But we 'd no longer be in his life every day . The words sounded hollow to me then , as they do now . As promises do , when I know in the back of my mind I have no intention of keeping them . I wasn 't going to be there . I was going to be as far away as possible . I wanted to mean it , and I somehow convinced myself I did . But I knew that I didn 't . I 'd like to say it haunted me , but it didn 't . Or it haunted me only when I saw him , which I did from time - to - time , home from the city for Christmas or Thanksgiving , at a local bar . We greeted each other with affection , old friends . He 'd smile and shake my hand . But underneath it all was this , the lingering betrayal , the subject we did our best to avoid , the one we danced around while we played nice . Because Sonny was nice and wouldn 't bring it up , even though I knew it hurt him . And I might have brought it up , if only to apologize , though even my apology was meaningless . We couldn 't go back . I couldn 't undo what we 'd done , nor did I want to . I 'd made my life and liked it . There wasn 't a place for Sonny or Rick . And Lex had disappeared too . And all I had from that time in my life was Jim . And I thought of all this , as I stood on the street and dialed the number to let Sonny know that Rick was going to die . He thought I was joking . As if , after all these years , I would call him and make this up and be that cruel . But I suppose thinking it was a joke was better than thinking it was true . " I wouldn 't do that to you , Sonny . You know that , " I said . " I 'm so sorry to have to tell you this way . " Rick 's funeral service was the first time Sonny and Jim and Lex and I had all been together in the same room at the same time in nearly a decade . We were cordial to each other and fell into old roles . Lex had come with his wife . They 'd been married for maybe two years . They 'd been married in Central Park in a small ceremony , and of our old group , only Jim had been in attendance . His wife was someone Jim had met traveling with Up With People , and he introduced her to Lex . Kristine and I were living together but not married yet . It was the middle of the week and she 'd had work and I told her not to take off for this . She didn 't have the personal time to spare , and besides , she 'd never met Rick , and though I mourned the loss - this , despite the fact , we 'd fallen out - I didn 't need her support . I figured it was best if I saw Lex and Sonny alone . Jim , of course , I was still in regular contact with , and he met me at my parents ' house for the walk up the street to the funeral parlor . My parents were going too , since they were friends of Rick 's mom . His dad had flown in from Texas , and I held my tongue , but he was just as full of shit as ever ( after the funeral , he 'd start badgering Rick 's mom for some of the money from an old lawsuit that had provided Rick 's income ; money that should have rightfully gone to Rick 's children ) . He gave some contrived speech about his son being a " golden boy , " which I guess played to the masses ( honestly when I think of him I 'm still not sure how that man can look at himself in the mirror every morning except of course that people often can convince themselves of their own bullshit ; it 's possible I 've been doing this the whole time in this memoir , though I 've never tried to milk a couple kids out of their inheritance ) , but it didn 't play to us , the old friends , the ones who had known him since childhood . Rick had been cremated , so there wasn 't a viewing , just an arrangement of flowers to the right side and a blown - up photo of him on the left . It must have been a much younger photo . He looked to be in his early - twenties in it . Less grizzled than the last time I 'd seen him at the bar from a few tables away : wooly blonde beard , greasy slicked back hair and sunglasses in a room that was already dark . In the photo , he was wearing one of the Perry Ellis shirts he 'd favored back then . He 'd wear these expensive shirts with ripped blue jeans and large hulking basketball sneakers . Shaquille O ' Neals or Jordans . But of course , the photo cut off at his waist . It reminded me of a portrait Lex had painted of him when Lex had started painting . A portrait that had made me ask for one too . A commission . I 'd paid him for materials , canvas . And he 'd made me a painting in the style I 'd admired . Lush fauvist colors . Thick globs of swirling emotion in the mode of Van Gogh . Rick 's portrait had held a place of honor on his bedroom wall behind the TV he played his Playstation on . Sonny had been the first to arrive at the parlor . He was waiting out front as Jim and I arrived , and Lex showed up , and we all shook hands . We took our seats off to the side , together , and talked . Most of our talk was in whispers , and most of it led to laughter in the silent room . It might have been inappropriate , but we were telling each other our memories of Rick , the good ones , and they were truer than the bullshit his father was peddling about some mythical " golden boy " who 'd never existed . Most of the things we shared were goofy stunts he pulled . Because he was goofy . There was no denying that . He was uncoordinated . He 'd never been good at sports , but he always showed up to play . He always engaged with all his heart . " Remember that time he came to the court ? And he had that North Carolina jersey . Blue and white . Whole outfit , shorts and everything . Only the jersey didn 't have a number , so everyone called him water boy . " " Remember that time those dudes at the courts were fucking with him , and he got up in arms and was all defending himself , and we were like , good for you Rick . Don 't let ' em get to you . And he just had to finish up by telling those dudes to suck his cunt . It was some of the funniest shit I ever heard . I 'm not sure he knew what it meant . " We couldn 't contain ourselves . We kept laughing . It was the closest to a Big Chill - moment we would have , sitting , sharing our memories . After the service , Sonny was wrecked . He couldn 't talk to us , or maybe didn 't want to . Maybe the sting was present in seeing us again of how we 'd left things all those years ago . In any case , he took off . Maybe he went home , maybe he went out to drink . The rest of us retired to the Keswick Coffee shop across the street , and had a cup of coffee , but Lex looked ready to go . I had the feeling he didn 't want to stick around in Glenside too long . He 'd run as far as he could from this place , and he seemed to look as though returning , closing that distance and coming back , might trap him here . As though , now that he was here someone might not let him leave . Then again , he 'd fallen out with Jim too , and though I 'd let bygones be bygones , though I 'd greeted Lex with warmth , he was seated across from two people he 'd been close with and pushed away . As we went across the street , Lex asked Jim to hang back with him and I was left to make forced conversation with Lex 's wife . I had met her before . Before the fallout , or maybe during the fallout , I 'd gone up to New York and spent a night with Jim and Lex and her , and she and I had talked . She wanted to know about Lex . More about Lex . And we went barhopping and I revealed as much as I knew about her prospective husband , which was everything a friend could know . In short , I was loyal and told her how great Lex was . And later , when she came to New York from Germany and was in grad school , Lex called me and asked me to edit her thesis , which I did . But I never became friends with his wife , so we sort of shuffled along , trying to talk , while Lex and Jim hung back . When they finished they caught up to us , and we sat in silence and drank coffee . The conversation was stilted . I could tell Lex wanted to leave , and as soon as he could , he made an excuse and he and his wife rose and left . When they were gone , Jim and I walked back toward my parents ' house . He 'd parked across the street . " What were you talking about ? " I asked . It was really none of my business , but I couldn 't avoid being curious . And Jim understood . He knew that in spite of falling out , I was curious about Lex , so he indulged me . This was what their falling out was about . Lex and his wife had had to stay with Jim for a while . The building where they lived had been condemned . They had to move out and find a new space to live . And in the meantime , Jim had let them stay at his apartment with him . While they 'd been there , they 'd fought with each other , and Lex had fought with Jim . The situation had become tense , and finally it gave . Jim and Lex were at odds . They found a new place and Lex and his wife moved out . And him and Lex weren 't on the best of terms . " I 'm glad I didn 't listen to him , " Jim had told me before this . " He tried to turn me against you , but I remained neutral . But I get what you meant at the time . " Jim had pulled out from under his influence . I 'd explained it to him when Lex and I had fallen out . As long as I was deferential and acted the part of little brother , he had use of me . As soon as I demanded he treat me as an equal , he had no use for me . It was the same for him and Jim at this point . And yet , Lex must have been feeling the solitude . Oh , how that fucking rankled ! Lex was gone . He 'd swooped into town to show his face at Rick 's service , apologized to Jim , said as few words to me as possible , and gone his merry way . I could concede I 'd acted like an asshole when we 'd fallen out . But I still thought Lex was at fault . I figured at some day he would apologize to me . But he didn 't . Jim had gotten an apology . He barely spoke to me . Still , I searched and found it in myself to forgive him . Maybe I 'd have to take the lead at some point . A mutual apology started off by me . It wouldn 't be the first time . The question was , did I really want to reconnect with him ? Sometimes I did , but I wasn 't ready to admit fault just yet . |
" Hey , don 't bite me . She 's just a pretty face , but too shy for my liking . I was just trying to get her out of her shell , " his brother Ivan said . " No harm done . " " You embarrassed her in front of everyone . Nora deserved better than that from you . " Ned wanted to hit his brother and hard , but knew he 'd hear it from their father who always protected his first born . " What 's it to you . Even if you were sweet on her , she 'd never look at you . You 'll end up with a starter herd and a point in the other direction when our father dies while I get the ranch . You have nothing to offer anyone , certainly not the daughter of the largest ranch around . " Just because Ned 's brother was right , it didn 't make it go down any better . It was a bitter pill . " You still shouldn 't have made her waltz with you holding her so closely . She isn 't that kind of girl . If you want to hold a woman so tightly you should go to the bawdy house in town . They wouldn 't mind . " Ned was still seething . He couldn 't wait to go on the trail drive in the morning leaving his father and brother behind in his dust . He was sick of this ranch , sick and tired of being unappreciated for all his hard work . Ned bet that without him , his family wouldn 't even begin to be able to run the ranch so smoothly . Something tickled in the back of his head . The more Ned thought about it , the more the idea grew legs . It wouldn 't take long before it 'd be running away with him . Ned scratched the bristles on his chin . He might just do it . Ned ignored his father 's wave and acted like he couldn 't hear his last minute instructions . Out of the corner of his eye he saw that the ranch foreman had ridden over to listen . Once these cattle were loaded on the rail car , he 'd divvy up what he figured the portion owed him and take off . He 'd send the rest of the wad of money back with the ranch foreman . Ned was already dreaming of finding his own homestead , far away from this barren land . He might take his pick of too , his own starter herd for his inheritance due him . Ned looked over the cattle as they moseyed along . There were a few who stood out as pretty as a cow could be , ones who had thrown good calves . Yep , he was going to strike out on his own . Ned didn 't need his father or his brother anymore or the Bar IN ranch , even if their brand stood for Ivan and Ned . " I 'm striking out on my own . I 'm just taking my due , my inheritance . I 'll just take a third of the profit off the sale of the cows , then take this little herd and skedaddle . I 'm not going back . My father and brother can make of it what they may , but I won 't be under their thumb any longer . " Ned spoke convincingly . " I don 't know , " Joe worried . " I don 't like to do anything without the boss ' say - so . " " Well , I 'm in charge right now , so it 's not your doing . This is how it 's going to be . " Ned spurred his horse around to move his cows away before they could be rounded up with the others . I 'm going to camp tonight just outside of town right by the road back home . I 'm expecting my money , Joe . Don 't try to cheat me out of it . As long as my father 's not here , you answer to me . " The next day with his money in his pocket , Ned headed west . His plan was to get as far as he could away from his family . After a couple of days of herding slow moving cows , he headed to a ribbon of green where trees grew along the banks of what could only be a river . The cattle needed to drink . They 'd found a pond and even a buffalo wallow which had some standing water in it , but they were thirsty . It was almost dark by the time he reached it . He was too tired to build a fire , so he chewed on a little jerky then fell asleep . When the first splotch of water hit him in the face , he mumbled for his brother to leave him alone . Then more followed , and Ned woke up not to one of Ivan 's tricks , but to a rainstorm . In was darker than the inside of a mule . He stumbled over to put on his slicker . Just then a flash and a crack of thunder immediately on its heel was deafening . It couldn 't have been more than 200 feet away that lightning had struck a cottonwood tree . The cattle . With a bawling and pounding of hooves , Ned realized his small herd was stampeding . He barely made it to his horse or he would have been trampled . He rode with them trying to slow them down , but they were terrified . One huge mama lunged into his pinto . His horse stumbled then went down . Ned jumped clear just in time , but he didn 't know if he was about to be trampled to death or not . He was on his knees with his hands over his head calling out , " Oh , God ! " Then it was over . The cattle had run past , his horse was getting to its feet and Ned was staggering in the pitch blackness . He mounted his horse but it was limping badly . There was nothing but to get back off and start walking leading the lame thing . He hoped he was headed back to where he had camped , but it was hard to tell . He gave up and just squatted down in the mud and waited until daylight . Finally , he could see the tree lined river not far away . He went back and rolled up his wet bedroll , picked up his saddlebags , and tried getting up on his horse . She was still limping . Badly . Ned had a feeling of desperation wash over him . He 'd have to hoof it and try to go find his scattered herd . Hopefully he could find a ranch that would sell him a horse somewhere along the way . This walking was for the birds . His pants chaffed as they dried on him . His boots rubbed his feet raw . He was beginning to feel real sorry for himself about then . Finally , he saw some smoke just over the rise , as if it was coming from a chimney . Ned didn 't see anyone around . There were no horses in the corral , just a small burro and some sheep , ewes with their lambs . He knocked anyway on the door . " Buenos tardes . Do you speak English ? " Ned had just about used up his knowledge of Spanish . His father had shied away from hiring vaqueros because he said he wanted cowboys who could understand everything he said . " What can I do for you ? " " My name is Ned Sorenson . My herd of cattle stampeded in the storm last night , and my horse went lame . Do you have a horse I could buy ? " " No , senor . That burro is all I have . My friends called me Jorge . " The man had come over and was feeling Ned 's horse 's legs then checking her hooves . " I can 't tell why she 's limping . Maybe she 'll be better in the morning , no ? " " Eight miles ? " Ned felt like cursing and stomping his hat . " Now how am I going to make it eight miles with these blisters on my feet ? " I can take you on my burro part way there . I can 't take you all the way though . They hate my sheep . It would only cause more trouble . Are you hungry ? " After a belly full of warm pinto beans wrapped in tortillas , Ned saddled up Jorge 's burro . The saddle swallowed up the animal and the stirrups almost grazed the ground . Then Ned climbed on . " Are you sure this thing can hold me up ? " Now here was the worst kind of humiliation a cowboy could stoop to , being led by a sheepherder on his burro . It didn 't get lower than that . Finally after about five miles , the Mexican stopped . " About three miles that way , you 'll find a ranch . They might have horses , but what they breed are mules . I hope you find what you need . " " Adios . " The man jumped on his burro and rode off looking like a much better fit on the beast than he 'd been . By the time he made it to the ranch with his saddle over his shoulder , he was tender - footing it in limping worse than his horse had ever thought of doing . He knocked on the door . She pried open the door a little more with her rifle barrel . " Hmm . My man will be back soon enough . You can sit outside and wait if you want . Suit yourself . " Then she shut and barred the door . Ned went over to the well and drew up a bucket of water . He lifted it up to slake his thirst , then he went to sit in the shade of the barn . First though he hung his saddle up on the fence and untied his bedroll to hang it out to dry . Then he waited . About dusk , supper time by the way his stomach was complaining , the man of the house rode up . " Evening , sir , " Ned said stepping out of the shadows . " I need to purchase a horse . Mine went lame back there . My cattle stampeded in the storm and my horse went down . My name 's Ned Sorenson , sir . " " Your father always did do a fair business with me years back . My name is Warren Smith . Here 's what I can do . I can 't sell you a horse , but I could spare a mule . " " I bred them for the Southern cause in the war . Now there 's not as much of a market , but I 've grown particularly fond of them . You 'll find they are as dependable as they come . " He nodded towards Ned 's feet . " Sure beats hobbling around like that , I 'd wager . " His wife didn 't look happy to see him , but set a tin plate with roast beef and mashed potatoes and gravy in front of him . It was enough to make him want to kiss her . He made short work of it then said , " That 's as fine of eating I 've had ever since my ma passed on two years ago . Thank you , ma ' am . " " It 's just Ned , sir . Thank you . " He limped out towards the barn , dragged his bedroll off the fence and was asleep as soon as he 'd hit the hay . In the morning he was fed biscuits and gravy with a good cup of coffee . The mule was about fifteen hands tall . A good looking animal in its own odd way . It sure beat riding a burro . When they got out to the field , sure enough , five of his cows were grazing placidly just outside Mr . Smith 's barbed wire fence . " I 've had to fence off my land to keep those dumb sheep out . They are a pest . They graze the grass so close that it about destroys it so that it won 't grow back . Then there 's the sheep scab . That 's the real danger . The ranchers in these parts aren 't going to stand for it . We 'll get rid of them like the nits they are . " Ned didn 't say anything , but thanks after he 'd paid for his mule and urged his cattle to move on . He hoped they didn 't do anything too drastic to his friend Jorge . Somehow , he 'd taken a liking to the man . Lately the range wars were getting out of hand though . A Ute shepherd had even been beheaded in Arizona . It was enough to make a man sick just thinking about it . Ned found four more of his cows grazing over another hill which now made his herd ten head of cattle . He kept looking . He went back by Jorge 's sheep farm to check on his horse . He saw six of his cattle in his pen . " Hola , amigo ! Como esta ? " He wasn 't sure of his Spanish , but he knew he was profoundly grateful to Jorge . " Hola , Ned . I see you found some more of your cattle . Good for you ! And you got a mule too . That thing would make two of my little burro , " and they laughed . " I have some beans warm on the fire if you 're hungry . " " Gracias . " Ned followed him into his hovel . After they 'd eaten , Ned told him what Warren Smith had said . " Just be careful , Jorge . It can be dangerous . " " No , that will be fine . I 'd offer to keep your cattle too , but I don 't want to give them an excuse to string me up as a cattle thief . I was getting nervous about keeping your them here in my corral and was just about to set them loose hoping you could round them up soon . " " I understand . I appreciate all your help , " Ned said seriously . Ned set out then moseying his little herd along . He found two cows back where he 'd camped during the storm . After wandering all over , Ned was running low on supplies . He decided he 'd look as he headed back . He sure wasn 't making any progress finding a place out west . The closer he got to town , a niggling started in his head . Then it started pounded between his ears . He decided it was harder than he thought to move a herd by himself . He probably should just sell them and take the money . He was already out the cost of a mule . He drove them to the stockyards . Since he 'd been there last , so many herds had come in that the price was down . He only got a third of what they 'd been worth before . He took it anyway . Cattle were troublesome when a feller had an itchy foot . By that night , he had a nice wad of cash in his pocket . In fact , he felt so rich that he decided to splurge on a night in the hotel . Kicking back in the soft bed , a restlessness wouldn 't let him loose . Ned decided he needed to have a little fun . It was his chance . There would be no big brother to tattle on him or foreman to look down his nose like he was a kid wet behind the ears . Ned put his boots back on and limped over to the saloon . His was still a little tender - footed . A game of poker was going on . Ned usually could win most of the hands in the bunkhouse , so he decided to sit in . At first he had lady luck on his side . The drinks were making it all the more enjoyable as well as the pretty , well almost pretty woman sitting right up close filling his senses with her heady perfume . Then , things started spinning in slow motion . His glass kept being refilled . Somehow he was losing . No matter how hard he tried to win it back , his money just kept disappearing . Finally , he had just enough left to pay for a pair of arms to console him . When Ned woke up in the morning , at first he couldn 't figure out where he was . His head was killing him . When he got dressed , he felt his pocket . His money was gone ! He looked everywhere , before the realization of how he 'd spent his night hit him . The woman was long gone . So was all that was his inheritance , his cash and his cows . He groaned . " Stupid , stupid , stupid ! " He went back to his unused hotel room and searched his saddlebags . No money was in them either . He didn 't even have enough to pay for his mule 's board at the stables . With every pitchfork full of manure laden hay , Ned almost retched . The stabler had pity enough to let him work off his debt for boarding his mule . His head was full of misery and his heart was sick . He 'd lost it all . He was just glad his mother wasn 't alive to see it . He didn 't deserve the inheritance he 'd helped himself to without so much as asking . Now it was all gone . He 'd be nothing but a ranch hand the rest of his life , and everybody knew there weren 't many poorer than a cowboy . But it was all he knew . After he left without two nickels to rub together for even a cup of coffee , he wandered . Somewhere out there were his two last head of cattle . He was determined to find them . He stopped at every ranch he came upon and asked if they had work . Of course they didn 't . Any good rancher had just sold off a big chuck of his cattle and had let go of most of his ranch hands . Now there were more cowboys without work than you could shake a stick at . Still he hoped for a handout , a sandwich or at least a cup of coffee . Most of the time , western hospitality prevailed , lucky for him or he 'd starve . Still he didn 't find his cows . Then he thought if he went back to Jorge 's maybe his horse was better , and he could sell this blasted hard - headed mule . The stupid thing seemed to think it couldn 't go unless he swore at it , like that was the only language it knew . Having met Warren Smith , he figured that was pretty much where he 'd learned that . First he saw the buzzards . Then he found just a few of Jorge 's flock scattered thinly across the field . Suddenly , dead sheep were everywhere . Then he came upon Jorge 's dog . It too was shot dead . He spurred his mule swearing . He started calling , " Jorge , amigo ! " Then he saw the dead burro and the heap next to it . Jorge . He used the man 's poncho to wrap tightly around his wound which seemed to be through the bottom of the ribs . He lifted the still form not even sure if he was alive . The man was easy enough to carry as light as he was . It wasn 't until he had him on the horse he heard the moan that proved his friend was still breathing . He rode for the man 's sheep farm hoping that at least they had not burned him out . It was still standing . His horse neighed a greeting from the corral . Ned laid the man on his bed , then he went outside to draw water from the well and grabbed a shirt off the line and began ripping bandages . After cleaning out the wound as best he could , and finding the bullet had passed through , he began winding the bandages around the man . He didn 't have as much as a shot of whiskey to help the man with his pain as he floated in and out of consciousness . One time Jorge came to and said , " Pray for me , amigo . " Then he was out again . Pray ? Ned went out to the barn to take care of his mule and to feed his horse . Then he fell on his knees in the hay . " Oh , Lord , you know I haven 't bothered to talk to you much since we buried my Ma , and to tell you the truth , it wasn 't much before that either . But here I am one of the most worthless men under the sun begging for my friend Jorge 's life . You know how I stole my inheritance from my father , how I lost it all in a den of iniquity , how ashamed I am of myself , but I ask you for this good man that you would save his life . . . and mine . I know mine 's not worth saving , but his is . So I guess that 's about all . Amen . " He knew that in some places huge herds of sheep were run off cliffs or into rivers to drown . Sheep wagons were burned . Some shepherds were attacked , like Jorge . Sometimes when these things happened not far from his own home , Ned wondered where his brother had been , and if he was involved . He 'd not pondered much about it before . Now it involved his friend . Ned caught a chicken , wrung its neck , scalded it , plucked its feathers , then threw in a pot . He 'd never thought much about the food either that magically appeared on their dinner table before , but this was a lot of work . He 'd have broth for Jorge when he woke up . But the fever and chills set in instead . Sitting on a bench by his friend hour after hour , Ned held his own head in his hands . He had a lot of time to think . That niggling feeling crept up on him one night and slammed him upside the head . He could go home and ask his father to take him on as a ranch hand . He 'd eat crow , humble himself and beg forgiveness . He could live in the bunk house and be happy to eat whatever cook slapped down in front of him . At least those at the ranch ate beef instead of mutton . He 'd never acquired a taste for mutton and didn 't want to start now if he could help it . But he 'd known enough of starving days these past few weeks that he would have been more than glad to eat even so much as a rattlesnake . But still he hankered after beef , the Bar IN beef . Then his thoughts turned every night to an image in his mind of a fine pair of dark eyes , silky tresses , satin skin , perfect pink lips so tender . . . Ned would shove it back in his thought box and turn the key in the lock . Nora would never be his , ever . He 'd sought comfort in the wrong place . He 'd squandered it all away , his chance to homestead and raise his own herd of cattle hoping the day would come when he would be able to come back and ask for her hand . Ned 's heart felt like a giant hand squeezed it inside . It had hurt less when he 'd been kicked by a horse . He 'd loved Nora since he was fourteen when he first noticed her at a church social . They 'd walked and talked at first shyly then as time went on , like old friends , unless he looked into her eyes and then he 'd become tongue - tied . He didn 't miss church much after that , until his mother died . By then he 'd grown up and knew he would never have enough to offer for her hand . Not only that , but now he 'd sunk so low that he 'd never be worthy of her anyway . He had two reasons to be mad at God . His mother 's death and the death of his hopes . He 'd have another , if his brother so much as touched her . He couldn 't promise what he 'd do then . Finally - - he 'd lost count of the days - - his friend woke up . " Hola . " It wasn 't nearly as big a smile on Jorge 's face as Ned 's . He 'd survive . But for how long ? Jorge would need to move on or be attacked again . There was no justice for sheep herders from Wyoming to Colorado , New Mexico to Arizona . The cattlemen won every time . The courts looked the other way . Cattle had come first and was still king . Ned had eaten the first chicken all by himself when Jorge was lost in his delirium . But now he was glad he 'd cooked up another one . He spoon fed the broth to his friend . He finally waved it away with a weak hand . " They wore masks but it was men from more than one ranch . I recognized Warren Smith 's prize mule though . It would take more than a mask to hide that creature . " " I don 't know , about fifty maybe . I don 't know if I found them all . I didn 't want to leave you too long . " " I had three hundred with so many lambs coming . " He sighed . " Maybe I 'll go back to Mexico . It 's a long trip , but if I went slowly going around the cattle ranches I could make it . Such a small herd shouldn 't be too difficult . " " You can take my horse . She 's not lame any more . I 'd gladly give you the mule , but Warren would string you up as a horse thief , or rather , a mule thief . Nobody knows what my horse looks like , so you 'd be safe riding her . " " Don 't be ridiculous . You won 't be strong enough for awhile yet for that kind of trip on foot . I 'll always be indebted to you for finding my cows , and for that little ride on your burro and the beans you filled my stomach with , not to mention your chickens I 've been eating . I wouldn 't have survived without your help . " The closer he came to home , the more Ned wanted to turn his mule around and gallop until he found Jorge and to become a sheep herder with him . But no . He had to do this like a man . It was time to grow up . When he turned into the lane under the Bar IN Ranch sign , his stomach was tying itself in all kinds of knots . Then a cloud of dust ahead meant a rider was coming his way . It was his father . He sat waiting , willing to take whatever he dished out . He got down off his mule . His father dismounted before his horse had even stopped and ran to him catching him up in a bear hug . " Son , you 're back ! " " I 'm sorry Pa . I 'm sorry I stole from you , took off without so much as a by - your - leave . I 'm sorry for all the terrible choices I made with my life . If you 'd just let me hire on as one of your cowhands , I 'd be forever grateful . . . " His father was crying , wiping tears . He hadn 't shed any since his mother had died . " Oh , son , you don 't know how glad I am to see you . And no , I won 't hire you as one of my hands . You 're my son . Yes , you can work as hard as you always have , but you can never be just a ranch hand . Come on . We need a celebration . " The two men rode toward home . Ned still didn 't know what to say . When they came into the barnyard , the foremen Joe and all the other cowboys came over to shake his hand and seemed genuinely happy to see him . " Tom , I want you to go around to our neighbors and invite them to come to a shindig tonight . We 're going to have a welcome home party for my son . I thought he was dead , but here he is living and breathing . " " Warren 's , I 'd guess , right son ? " " Yes , but I 'd be happy if I never saw it again . The man and the mule are two of the same if you ask me . " Ned ground his back teeth . Pretty soon as dusk fell , the stars came out , and neighbors started to arrive in their buggies and wagons . Both the bunkhouse cook and his father 's house cook had been in a flurry of work preparing the feast at the moment 's notice . Every group that arrived added to the food table . The calf barbequed over the coals was just what he 'd been hungering for . He felt guilty for all this ta - do , but it was good to see his father so happy . He was in a daze . And then he saw her . Nora was being helped down from her buggy by her father . Their eyes met . Ned dropped his gaze . He wasn 't fit to be in the same room , not even in the same great outdoors . He turned his back and walked away with his heart kicking and screaming inside . A little later , Nora 's father was talking with Ned 's Pa . He was walking by when his father grabbed his arm and pulled him over . " Mr . Sharpe had a question for you . He asked me first , but I told him it would be up to you . " " We 're glad your home , Ned . I 've always admired your hard work , never shirking just because it was your father 's spread . He 's always told me that you 're his best worker . I 've been watching you for awhile now . " Nate felt the heat of shame creep still crawl up his neck for his unworthiness . " My foreman just up and quit on me . I need someone I can trust , someone who has plenty of experience , someone my men can respect and follow , a hard worker . There might be some bad attitudes as some might think they deserve to take the foreman 's place , but I know none of my other men could fill those shoes . I know you just got back and all , but I 'd like you to consider becoming my foreman . " " Nonsense . I couldn 't ask for a better son . We all make mistakes , and fortunately most of them we get over with in our youth . But God 's the God of second chances , and I think you could be just the man he 's looking for . Pray about it son . " The last time he 'd prayed and told his heavenly Father what a miserable man he was , somehow God heard and answered by saving Jorge 's life . " I have to ask you , Mr . Sharpe . Where do you stand on the range war issue ? I 'm a cattleman through and through , but I 'm not for running rough shod over the sheepherders either . I 've seen some wicked stuff , and I want no part of it . " Mr . Sharpe exchanged a look with his father then clapped him on the shoulder . " That 's just what I mean . You are a man of integrity and firm convictions . You are just who I need . " Just then a buggy came whipping into the yard . Ivan jumped down . " What is all this ? " He threw his hands up . No one told me there was a party . " " Your brother came home . I thought he had died , then he came riding up on a big ol ' mule . I had to share the good news with all our neighbors . " Ivan looked like he had a craw full of rocks . " But you never had a party for me , Pa . I 've been here while this wastrel went off to do who knows what . " Ned was glad to see that Mr . Sharpe had excused himself as soon as Ivan showed up . " Nice to see you too , Ivan , " Ned said . Then he hung his head , " Sorry , that was uncalled for . " Ivan snorted , but their father said , " Look at me , Ivan . " The fury was still in his eyes , but his brother looked up at their father . " Look around , son . All this will be yours someday . Maybe when you have a son , then you 'll understand what has happened tonight and why . Since I lost your mother , I never wanted to go through the pain of losing another one of you . It about killed me when Mr . Smith said he thought the worst , that Ned was dead . But he 's back , and I am rejoicing . And since I am still alive , and this is still my ranch , I expect you to respect my wishes . Just then a fiddle began some lively music . Lanterns lit up the barn that the hands had swept out . " Go have a good time son . We have good food , friends , and now family . " When he stomped away to stew in the dark , Ned looked at his father . " I am so sorry to have caused you so much pain , Pa . I never thought . . . " His father put up his hand . " It 's all in the past son . Yes , I think you 'd make a good foreman indeed . But is there some reason you don 't think you should take the job ? " Just then he saw his son staring off to the dance floor where Miss Sharpe was dancing with her father . " Oh , it 's Miss Sharpe , is it ? " " I can 't deny that I 've had feelings for her for a long time . I 'd hoped to homestead , build up my herd and come back to offer for her hand . But I knew it was ridiculous to dream . Then I lost it all . " " Yes she was . What you don 't know is that I was the worst kind of rascal . What she saw in me I 'll never know . I should not have ever been in the same room with her . " " But God did a work in my heart and made me into a new person . It didn 't take away the shame about my past , but God forgave it . Then I had to forgive myself . Your mother was quick to forgive me as well after I was honest with her . Have you confessed your sins to God , son ? " " Yes , I know he heard me when I prayed because he healed a Mexican sheepherder who 'd befriended me . It was Warren Smith and his rancher friends who shot him and left him for dead . I found him and took care of him when it didn 't look like he 'd make it . " " God has been at work . He will continue to do so , son , just like this job offer from Mr . Sharpe . So forgive yourself , son . Take this job . Then maybe in time you will come to the place where you can let Miss Sharpe decide for herself . You can find a way to tell her without hurting her sensibilities . She 'll know what you mean without having to spell it all out . Then see where God leads . You do realize don 't you , that Mr . Sharpe has no other heirs . Could be he 's looking for the right man for his daughter . Perhaps he wants to keep you up close where he can examine you , if you know what I mean . But right now , the guest of honor has ignored his company long enough . And I do believe I see a young lady watching you who looks like she 'd like to be asked to dance . " Ned clasped his father in a hug . God had been so good to him . He knew he didn 't deserve it , but he wasn 't about to turn down the gifts that God was offering him either . He walked over to Nora with a big smile . " Care to dance ? " Her eyes already were . " You don 't know how glad I am to see you back home , Ned . I 've prayed for you every day . " She filled him with her delicate scent . She was the one to draw close and lay her head upon his chest . Ned was humbled . God was so good . When the dance was over , Mr . Sharpe was waiting . Ned swallowed hard realizing how closely he 'd held the man 's daughter . " Well , it looks like to me that I have my new foreman . Am I right ? " And that wasn 't all that Ned was honored for the man to offer him . For the next celebration was held at the Sharpe 's ranch where the man gave his daughter 's hand away in marriage to him . The prodigal had come home . * Even after the party was over for the prodigal son in the Bible , I 'm sure it wasn 't the end of his story . For God always blesses that which is given to Him . I feel free to use the theme of love because God is particularly fond of wedding celebrations as He has used the imagery so often in Scripture . I also came to realize in once again hearing familiar sermon our pastor gave recently on the Prodigal Son , why my husband loves his job so much . He has the special privilege to be like that father figure who gets to welcome home prodigals in his work at Teen Challenge . For home is not just a place , but a right relationship with the Father . Welcome to my blog ! We raised three children then fost - adopted three more , two of whom are at home . I 'm a grandmother of sixteen , have 36 years experience as a pastor 's wife , married to my man over 40 years . I 've authored a book and have my other books as e - books on amazon kindle . I was an art major at Point Loma College and still like to dabble , read , write , garden , travel , enjoy my family , and am learning to cook gluten free . My pug Max and old Sweetie weiner dog and cat are my comic relief . Please comment or request to be a facebook friend . I 'd love to hear from you . " Fill your paper with the breathing of your heart . " Wordsworth Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . Attitude of Gratitude : lost & found summertime . It 's kind of like Hank today . He didn 't show up for dinner so we knew somethin . . . " Nest , " is a more serious work of historical fiction weaving Cherokee history with that of early Tennessee and the twist of those known as Welsh Indians . It is a path back through the tragedy of Native American history with redemption as a young woman is caught between worlds trying to find true love . " As Good As Engaged " is a fun short story of a Texas campmeeting romance set in the late 1870 's . What would you do if you were raised to think that a kiss was as good as engaged when a wild cowboy steals one ? Tifani " Oh , Susannah " is named for Susannah Wesley , mother of John and Charles Wesley who lived in the 1700 's but who is an inspiration for Christian women today . We will include writings of her life , spiritual inspiration , quotes from poetic thinkers , photography , art , crafts , recipes , insights for mothers and marriage , and church life ideas . We hope to illustrate how the beauty of holiness can be infused into everyday life , whereas " The absence of beauty hardens the heart . " ( Kate Morton ) Susannah Wesley was born in 1670 in a time of great turmoil of religion . Her father was a non - conformist leader of the Dissenters from the Church of England when one could be expelled from their parish , not allowed to teach or tutor , be fined and jailed . However , at age 13 , Susannah chose the Church of England . At age 19 she married Samuel Wesley then bore 17 children including John Wesley , the founder of the Methodist and holiness churches , and his brother Charles , a prolific hymn writer . She home schooled her surviving children , even preached in her kitchen to over a hundred , more than attended her husband 's services . When she refused to pray for the king , her husband declared he could not abide under the same roof , and thus began a year 's separation while he left on " official church business , " until the king died and it became a moot point . Her children knew not to bother mother while she sat daily in her kitchen with her apron over her face having her devotions . Somehow , Susannah carved out an hour each week to spend individually with each of her many children . Later we will give her list of child raising principles . Thus a woman who bore 17 children , endured great poverty and tragedies , left such a legacy and influence on those whose creed we share with her deep thoughts and life . Oh , Susannah ! |
In 2007 , Mum 's symptoms of dementia first became very noticeable in the form of unusual behaviour such as barricading doors , tying up gates with handkerchiefs , calling the police all the time to imagined intruders and obsessing over her two cats . But even years before that , she 'd made bad judgments with money , selling her house to a conwoman for $ 100 , 000 less than it was worth and wasting money on employing tradesmen to carry out unnecessary work . She only became seriously forgetful in 2010 . It was going to be a very grim Christmas for me . No visitors expected and I was too exhausted to even put up the tree . I couldn 't be bothered taking Mum shopping to choose presents for me this year and then wrapping them myself , so I knew there 'd only be two presents for me under the tree . For her grandchildren , I got her to write out cards and I put $ 50 in them . Anyone over 21 doesn 't receive Christmas money because it has to stop somewhere . Anyway , the nursing home takes most of her pension and superannuation payments so she can no longer afford to be generous . For the first time in 30 years , I 'd be on my own and not cooking a baked dinner for anyone . I felt very lost . So the prospect of going to the Italian Club on Christmas Day was at least something to look forward to . I left a note for the nurses to dress her in her beautiful Leona Edmiston original dress that she wore to my daughter 's wedding . They tried , but when I arrived , she was wearing jeans and a blouse . They said she stated , " I wouldn 't be seen dead in that dress . " ' That dress ' cost close to $ 2 , 000 . It 's in the picture below . Mum had absolutely no idea it was Christmas Day . When I told her , she said , " I thought Christmas was over weeks ago . " I suppose this might be because of all the Christmas parties and activities at the nursing home in the days leading up to it . Mum wasn 't very happy , but I told her either she put on the dress or we didn 't go anywhere . She finally agreed . It took ages to get her into that dress . For starters , she 'd undone every single button - the buttons are basically meant to be decorative . She then objected to wearing her gold sandals and wanted to put on socks . I just kept insisting , we get dressed properly for Christmas dinner or we don 't go anywhere . She made a few nasty remarks about me ' dumping ' her in ' that terrible place ' with all those ' mad people ' when there 's ' nothing ' wrong with her . That was probably a blessing anyway , because I 've basically given up taking her to church . After fifteen minutes she 'll say loudly , " Get me out of here . I don 't like it . " At church we lit a candle and then went out the front to wish Father Ron a happy Christmas . He replied he intended to spend the rest of Christmas horizontally , being all Christmassed out . Father Ron is multi - lingual and was wishing everyone a happy day in many languages . Next year I swear I 'll find a language he can 't possibly know and really stump him . Then it was time for Christmas dinner . It was a fantastic smorgasbord of seafood from the Italian fishing families , roast pork , beef and lamb , baked vegetables , salad , huge Barramundi from the Northern Territory and traditional Italian desserts . I piled Mum 's plate high and was very pleased when she ate the lot without much complaint . After lunch I took Mum to see her parents ' grave . She was very vague by that time . She kept asking , " Who 's buried here ? " We walked through the cemetery and she asked , " Aren 't we going to see my father 's grave ? Where is he buried ? " Her short term memory mostly only lasts a few seconds now . We took the dogs for a quick walk down near the beach . They had their presents too - rawhide bones and new rolled leather collars . It was quite a hot day , but many Christmas days are scorchers here , so it wasn 't too bad . At my house , she sat on the veranda with her cat for a short while . She used to stay there for an hour or more up until a few months ago . Now she only lasts a few minutes , before asking , " When are we going out to eat ? Why don 't we ever go to the shops ? " On the way back to the nursing home , she asked to go to lunch or to the shops over and over . I had to keep repeating , " It 's Christmas day Mum ! Nothing is open and we had lunch at the club ! " to which she 'd reply , " I thought Christmas was over weeks ago . " She started to get nasty to me a few times on the drive back but I 'd reply , " Don 't you ruin my Christmas day ! " and she 'd stop . Back in her room she opened her presents . She wanted me to take them away in case someone stole them . I gave her chocolates , biscuits and some pale lipsticks that she can 't use to write all over the walls as she did once . She keeps writing my phone number everywhere and if there 's no paper she writes on walls and even curtains . She must think I don 't know she 's there and someone needs to ring me to come and pick her up . How she remembers my phone number is a complete mystery . Mum in her room on Christmas Day . The horse in the photo is Black Caviar . You can see the nice balcony where she 's allowed to have pot plants . Posted by Mum is always asking where her jewellery is . She 's never happy with the response , it 's in her jewellery box under my bed . She wants to have that box to check that everything is in there . But she no longer remembers what jewellery she has . I had an idea . I went to the Salvation Army second hand shop and bought $ 50 worth of old jewellery - a watch , rings , brooches , bracelets and necklaces . Here it is in the picture . I recently bought a CD cabinet which has many small drawers that Mum can spend time rummaging through . In the CD cabinet I have put lots of interesting things , as well as chocolates in one drawer , lollies in another and loose photos in another . People with Alzheimers love to rummage . I have changed the name of this blog from " My mother has dementia " to " My mother has Alzheimers Disease " . The reason is , that previously , the specialist had said it 's most likely vascular dementia . It wasn 't progressing much and her memory wasn 't too bad . She could pass the mini - mental - state test with flying colours . She was mainly just paranoid . Until a few weeks ago , she knew to press number 2 to get me or 3 to get my daughter on the phone . She can 't do that any more . Until a few weeks ago she knew how to plug in the phone charger - not any more . For the past three or four weeks she hasn 't been able to find and put on a bra , so if no - one dresses her , she goes bra - less . She basically can 't find any of her clothes and needs someone to stand there and pass her things . At the nursing home , they don 't dress the residents as it 's only hostel care . So I 've found her dressed in some very odd combinations , probably chosen by the Alzheimer lady in the next room . She gets her clothes in a terrible mess , pulling them out and then throwing them back in at random . She won 't put her clothes out to be washed , but she was the same in the nursing home where she lived for 8 months last year . She believes the clothes won 't come back and so she hides them . Physically she is as fit as a fiddle and can walk for miles . But mentally she is racing towards death . I can see that she will reach Stage 7 very quickly , even though the mean duration of the 6th stage is 2 . 3 years . I 'd say at present she 's in late Stage 6 . The information on the internet says that once they lose the ability to dress without assistance , they lose the ability to independently maintain cleanliness in toileting . This has certainly happened . She started putting her clothes on inside out and backwards about five weeks ago . One day I found her in the bathroom after her shower , trying to put her legs into a skivvie . I have to take away her day clothes now - which she strongly objects to - and only leave the pyjamas in the bathroom , otherwise she 'll put back on not only her pyjamas , but everything she 's worn that day , including the dirty underpants . She puts the toilet paper in strange places - on the floor , in the bathroom basin , in the bin . If I try to help her and remind her to wipe herself , she 'll hold up the dirty toilet paper and ask me what to do with it . If I leave her on her own , she 'll stand up with the dirty toilet paper in her hand and then smear it all around the toilet seat . I 've gone through bottles and bottles of bleach . I never thought it would come to this . I never thought , because not one other member of her large family ever fell victim to such a terrible thing . All her aunties except one , fell victim to an early stroke . Her own mother died at 72 , with some minor mental changes , of heart failure . The aunt who lived to be over 90 had all her marbles when she died . The men in the family died early of lung or heart conditions , or cancer , well before they could develop dementia . Her brother died of cancer at 78 , her father of a heart attack at 58 . Her maternal grandmother died at 87 following a very short - 3 - week - episode of mania . Before that , she was spending her days betting on the horses and listening to the radio . So there wasn 't too much wrong with her . Her paternal grandparents died aged 34 and 54 . No dementia there - but had there been modern medical assistance , they may have lived long enough to suffer this , who knows . I know the medical histories and causes of death of her great grandparents as well . I don 't know what to do . After Mum 's latest rampage , the damage to the car door , the broken window , the upended furniture , the broken door knob - what do I do ? Virtually everyone is saying , " Put her in a nursing home and leave her there . You can 't manage this behaviour . " Well , we haven 't even tried risperidone yet . Shouldn 't we try everything first , before putting her in a high - security gaol ? She 's still in respite care . They aren 't having much trouble with her , other than her wandering out of her room in the late afternoons and getting lost , wandering into other people 's rooms and demanding to ring me all the time . When she rings , she asks me when I am coming to get her . I tell her I 'll see her on Saturday . I think she 's being a bit of a pest to my aunt ( Dad 's sister ) who is in there due to bad arthritis , not dementia . My aunt wants to look after her and entertain her but I think she 'll soon tire of that . I hope Mum is never nasty to her . At first she wanted to use her phone all the time so she had to say it was disconnected or something , to stop her . Now she rings from the nurses ' station . Last Saturday I took her to the shopping centre . I 'm not bringing her home - I 'd never get her in the car to go back again . She was pretty awful at the shops . She just kept saying she was miserable , wished she was dead and why didn 't I take her to see her cat . She ranted about changing her will so I won 't get anything since I 'm so nasty to her , allegedly . The cat is the very thing I want her to forget . I can 't stand her obsession with cats any more . I 'm hoping maybe three weeks in the pokey will cure her of obsessing over real and imaginary cats . I think if she were in respite care for longer , she might decide these people weren 't strangers requiring good manners and courtesy any more and start being just as nasty to them as she is to me and everyone here . I think maybe she 's not too much trouble because she still has the idea that you have to be polite to strangers . I rang the government advisory service on dementia behaviours . Their advice was that they don 't think this behaviour is manageable at home . But what if the behaviour can be stopped with anti - psychotics ? If Mum goes back into the nursing home system , it will be a financial disaster for both of us . They will take all her money ( the small amount left will have to go on her private health insurance ) and I won 't be able to afford to even take her for a long drive , without her helping out with household bills and petrol . There will be no more holidays - ever . I don 't get enough casual work to take anyone on a holiday . I will be back to living in poverty most of the time and the nursing home will be wanting me to give them money for day trips and wanting things purchased for her ( the last thing the other nursing home wanted me to buy her was a walking stick - which she certainly does not need and which I could not afford ) . I guess I will have to have her back here at least for a time , even if she 's going into full time care . During that time , I hope to be able to give the risperidone a trial . What a choice . Incarceration in a miserable place for life , or possible death from risperidone in a few months . I know I would choose the shorter life and stay home . I think she 'd feel the same . It might work , or it might not . Valium and Ativan had absolutely no effect on her psychotic rages . So I can only hope . What a terrible time we have had the last few days . On Friday , she was particularly crazy , her eyes looked odd and she went deaf . The doctor couldn 't see any wax in her ears , but the nurse syringed them out just in case . Still deaf . The doctor said she probably won 't regain her hearing . How suddenly did that happen ! I 'm not getting her another hearing aid . She just won 't wear one - waste of $ 600 . On the way , in peak - hour traffic , at 80 kph , she suddenly decided to jump out . Without warning , and in one swift movement , she undid her seatbelt , opened the door and out she went . Half - way out , I grabbed her by the jumper , while swerving to try and miss the telegraph poles , the passenger door swinging in gale - force winds , and trying not to hit any of the other traffic . The door hit a pole and was damaged . I put on the hazard lights and stopped the car , got her seatbelt back on and shouted at her , " What the hell do you think you 're doing ? " " I know what you 're up to , " she said . " You 're going to dump me at that hospital . " I realized it was after 3 p . m . , when the paranoia kicks in . I drove around the block and found somewhere safe to stop . I wasn 't taking her anywhere in that state . My car doesn 't have child - locks . I dialled 000 and requested an ambulance . By the time they arrived , she 'd got out of the car and was headed up the footpath . The paramedics clearly were not happy to have been called . They glared at me angrily and asked what was going on THIS time , referring to LAST time they were called to my house , took Mum to hospital , only to have the doctor make them bring her back home again . A waste of their time . They persuaded her to get in the ambulance and I followed them to the hospital . Fortunately they agreed to keep her overnight and I was able to go home and rest . MRI scans showed up nothing and all she did at the hospital was sleep , something she won 't do at home until she 's rampaged for several hours and exhausted herself . On Monday night , the day before she was to go into respite care for 3 weeks , she went on the maddest rampage yet . I managed to get her to shower , gave her 5 mg of Valium ( which had no effect whatsoever ) and gave her dinner - which she refused to eat . She 'd been at Day Care all day , then on the Twilight Bus Tour , arriving home at 5 . 30 p . m . After all that , I 'd have been exhausted - but not her . She was just getting wound up . She was going on about cats . There 's a cat out on the road . Where 's my cat ? ( Which one ? There are five ? ? ) I want my cat to sleep on my bed . Let me get outside ! By now , all the cats hate her , even the very old one that now has only one eye , that she 's had for 15 years . They all run from her . They hide under the beds , they race out through the cat door , they run out into the yard and under the house , anything to get away from her . She says my daughter and I have made the cats frightened of her . Or she 'll say that the cats must be sick , or injured - that 's why they 're running away . And so she gets herself in an even more paranoid state over it . On Monday night my daughter went down the back to her flat and I locked myself in my bedroom . I kept reminding myself , just one more day and she 'll be in respite . I just have to survive tonight . Normally I lock the doors so she can 't go outside and get hurt in the dark . But this time , I decided to leave them open . After a while it went quiet so I went to investigate out the front . She 'd gone down the street in her pyjamas ( no shame ! ) and was putting spoonfuls of chocolate pudding under each telegraph pole . I watched her . It was nearly dark . When she came back , I asked what she was doing . Putting out food for starving stray cats , she said . I told her that chocolate can kill cats and dogs . She didn 't seem to care . Probably thought I was lying . She came inside and insisted on leaving the front doors wide open ' so the cats can get in ' . I let her go and locked myself back in my room . After a while it went quiet again . I thought maybe she 'd gone to bed . I stayed in my room quite a while , then went out and looked . She was gone . I went out to the footpath and there she was at the bottom of the street , talking to two Macedonian ladies , whose English wasn 't too good . They saw me and brought her up to my front gate . They told me she was lost . Well , this is the first time she has ever ' wandered ' . I knew that wandering was one of the major signs of Alzheimers , but she 's never done it before . She 's gone for walks and come back . I 've never had to lock her in . This is a whole new symptom - wandering . I went back in my room . She refused to go to bed . I could hear her mumbling about people outside looking in , and how they could murder us all . I could hear her going ' Puss - puss - puss , where are you ? ' Poor cats ! She broke the back window ( second time this week ) trying to get outside to imaginary cats . She broke the handle on my bedroom door , trying to get in , presumably to whack me for not co - operating . She went in the spare room and threw things everywhere including the top of the dressing table , the curtains and curtain rod . Someone once told me he was ' terrified ' of his mother who lived at home with Alzheimers . I told him to snap out of it and stop being stupid . Now I know it is possible to be terrified of your own mother when she 's in a psychotic state . If I had gone out of my room , she would have attacked me , for sure , and in defending myself , I may have hurt her . This is why I stayed in my room . I considered calling the police , but here in New South Wales , if you call the police to a mentally ill person , there 's a good chance they 'll shoot them dead . Mum has really deteriorated mentally recently . I decided to take her back to the gerontologist for further advice . I noticed she doesn 't seem to be swallowing properly . I thought the swallowing thing was confined to the very last stages , but she seems to have it already . She chews and chews , tries to swallow , coughs , splutters and runs to the bathroom to spit it out . Then she abuses me over my ' horrible cooking ' and the ' cheap cuts of meat ' that I buy . But it happens no matter what she 's eating . I 'm really not sure if it 's an excuse to have a go at me , or if she genuinely is choking . The gerontologist wasn 't sure , either . She won 't drink anything . She keeps demanding cups of tea , all day long . I sit her down in front of the tea . Often I 'll try and stay there and keep saying " Take a sip . Keep drinking . " But it doesn 't work . Usually it 's the thought of a cat that takes her away from the tea . Where 's the cat ? Is my cat inside ? It 's freezing out there . The cat will die of cold . And off she goes . I haven 't seen her drink more than a mouthful of tea in weeks . She went to the dentist last week and he said her mouth was dehydrated and I should see the doctor urgently . Tea was her main source of hydration . She used to drink it all day long . Now , she won 't drink tea , she won 't drink coffee , milk or water . The gerontologist thought maybe this refusal of sustenance is the beginning of something . We 'll just have to wait and see . He indicated that treatment from now on should be palliative . He wouldn 't advise operating if she had cancer , for example ; but he would advise setting a broken leg to relieve pain . He 's definitely against feeding tubes . So am I . He also said that we should try a small dose of risperidone . I 've been against it in the past , when she seemed to be enjoying life , when she was able to make herself cups of tea , go for walks around the block , take herself to a shop and buy something . But I 'm not resisting it now . I think if it makes her less afraid and less frantic , then it can only be a good thing . Risperidone is not recommended for use in dementia . It 's dangerous for elderly people . It predisposes them to strokes or heart attacks . But it also may calm them down , and may even give her a few more months at home . Normally it 's a drug that 's used to treat schizophrenia . Whatever Mum has , it 's a lot like schizophrenia . I 'm surprised people haven 't said more about the similarities between Alzheimers and schizophrenia . A cure for one might lead to a cure for the other . If something doesn 't change , she 'll be back in a nursing home by Christmas . It can 't go on like this . Posted by We have a 24 hour emergency Alzheimers nurse available . I 've just had to call for help . Mum has been berserk this afternoon and tonight . She had to see the geriatrician and I think it unhinged her . She was already tired from being at Day Care and we didn 't get home until 7 . 30 p . m . Getting her into the shower was a nightmare . She kept running out of the bathroom shouting " I want my cat ! I 'm not going in there until I see my cat inside ! " The cats sleep OUTSIDE on the veranda . Bringing one in doesn 't help - it just makes her more silly , because they 're all terrified of her and run away . Then she believes they must be ' sick ' and must be caught and taken to the vet . After her shower , she started running through the house looking for cats and shaking the doors trying to get out . I sticky - taped all the light switches so she couldn 't turn on lights . That sometimes keeps her in her bedroom , but not tonight . She managed to find her way around , throwing a basket of clean washing all over the place ( deliberately ) and pulling pictures and crucifixes off the walls and curtains off the windows . She threw everything she could find on the floor . After that she said she could see lights in the back yard , and there were people down there creeping around . Next she believed all the doors were open and she couldn 't shut them . These people could get in . By this time I 'd locked myself in my bedroom and turned up the music so I couldn 't hear her rantings . I 've just had enough tonight . I 'm sick and exhausted . I can 't take another second of this and I 'm looking forward to help arriving . I will kill myself before I will agree to go insane before I die , I really will . I have lost my son , months ago . He was furious I 've allowed this madness into our home . He moved out and he won 't even visit . Alzheimers has wrecked the remnants of our small family . My brother and his eldest daughter left the scene years ago . Mum didn 't even get a call from them on her 86th birthday . They were in denial about the Alzheimers , and believe that I am taking financial advantage of Mum by lying about her condition . At times Mum was horrible , but a lot of the time she seemed to be enjoying herself . And when we came back home , she kept saying , " I can 't forget how beautiful the snow looked . " So she 's even remembering the trip , which is very surprising , given that she doesn 't remember what happened ten seconds ago . I can 't believe it . For the past 2 days , Mum has been ' nice ' . I can 't recall any ' nice ' days in years . She 's always belligerent , nasty , paranoid and generally horrible . But yesterday and today , she 's done nothing wrong . She 's done everything I asked her to . She hasn 't minded my supervising the toilet and shower . She hasn 't demanded that the cats be let in at night . It 's funny , but on Saturday night I had to ring the Commonwealth Bank to re - invest Mum 's money . It was the only time I had the time to do it . The lady who answered the phone could hear Mum playing up in the background and said she 'd say a prayer for her . Very bad afternoon . For the past three weeks , the Lexapro hasn 't seemed to have been working as well any more . Symptoms were breaking through . She 's been really obsessed with the cats every night , staying awake until midnight looking for them and wanting to go outside in the cold and the dark . Today she went to Day Care , came home at 5 . 30 pm and wouldn 't sit down to eat her dinner . She kept jumping up , shouting " Where 's my cat ? My cat isn 't in here . Let me outside ! " Well , it was dark outside and she would have fallen over , so I 'd locked both the doors . I always lock the doors after dark . This made her angrier and angrier . I couldn 't distract her . She started saying crazy things , like someone is poisoning me and trying to take my house . She threatened to hit me across the face . She told me I was acting mad and she wanted to get the doctor for me . I didn 't feel too well . I was feeling dizzy and sick . I tried to find the phone number for the 24 - hour emergency nurse but misplaced it . It wasn 't anywhere on the internet . I tried to find the number of the gerontologist . I have a new phone and suddenly realized it 's not on the new phone . I felt too sick and too dizzy to look any further . Later I took my BP and it was 157 / 113 . A wonder her behaviour didn 't kill me . I finally decided the only course of action was to call the ambulance . By this time I 'd locked myself in my room and she was hammering on the door , rattling the handle and trying to break the door down . She also threatened to smash the windows to get to the cats . There were already two cats inside . I decided long ago that though they usually sleep on the veranda , it 's best to bring one or two in to keep her happy , but tonight for some reason she remembered there were more than two cats . I 'm not sure I 've seen her as crazy as this before . I wonder if she 'll actually come out of it , even with the help of more medication . I wonder if she 'll always be like this from now on and I won 't be able to keep her at home any more . I remember when my great grandmother died , she had a bad episode of paranoia and had to be taken to hospital . She died soon after of a stroke . I think she got herself in such a state she caused the stroke . But my great grandmother , who was the same age as Mum is now , didn 't have severe dementia . I 'm not sure she had dementia at all , until that day she suddenly went paranoid . My great grandmother died on 10th July , 1975 . She looked just like Mum , very short and thin . She had agoraphobia and hadn 't left the house in 40 years until the day she died . I will try and get some sleep , but at some stage the doctor will ring and speak to me , and that could be two in the morning , so I 'll be listening for the phone . Footnote : I forgot to mention , the police got here first , as the ambulance always call them when people are acting crazy . The neighbours came in to try and help . Finally they got her into the ambulance , protesting all the way . Posted by * She 's often putting only an inch of water in the mug as well . She was very good at making tea until about a week ago . Tea has been her whole life . * She wanders off in the middle of eating , if I don 't stay there and keep telling her she 's eating dinner and needs to get the next forkful of food . If I put the food in front of her and leave the room , within ten seconds she 's somewhere else - outside looking for cats , or in the loungeroom turning on the TV . And I mean ' ten seconds ' . * She 's completely lost interest in the TV and cannot follow anything including the news . She started turning the TV on and off , on and off at the power point on the wall , until I had to put sticky tape over the switch to stop her doing it . Now , if she wants the TV on , which is all the time , I have to do it with the remote , and it 's a total waste of time because seconds later she 's left the room and is telling me to turn off ' that horrible noise ' . * Her hearing seems to have changed . She can 't stand any sound at all , not even the door softly closing . If a neighbour is hammering in a nail , she goes berserk over it . " I can 't stand that terrible noise ! " she shouts , and tries to grab all five cats and drag them inside before the sound ' terrifies ' them . They 're not concerned by noise at all . A dog barking in the distance , a chair being placed under a table , a door closing , dishes being placed in the drainer , all these are ' terrible noises ' and I have to make them stop . This is really odd and I 've never heard of anyone with this symptom before , where sounds appear to be amplified . * She 's not completely competent in the toilet any more . I 've found poo on the toilet seat quite a bit , toilet paper that should have been flushed away on the seat , on the floor and in the handbasin , poo on the wall where she 's got it on her finger and tried to wipe it off and a lump of poo on the bedroom floor which has fallen out after she 's left the bathroom . I really can 't stand poo and this is disturbing me greatly . Please no more poo ! * She can 't get dressed at all . She can 't find what to put on and it 's not her vision , it 's just she has no idea what to put on first . I have to pass her all the items of clothing she needs one by one and tell her which way round to put them . She 's also started staying in her pyjamas for hours every morning , something she 's never done in her life , maybe because trying to get dressed is becoming too stressful . * She doesn 't go out for walks on her own . She 's frightened . She 's never been prone to getting lost and has always walked down the street and back , but not any more . * She no longer knows which cat is hers . Her cat is called Cleo , it 's 16 years old and incontinent , so it can 't come inside . She has no idea what its name is and I think in a previous post I mentioned she calls every cat ' he ' or ' him ' . But this is working well because I just pass her any cat and tell her it 's her cat and she 's happy . * She can 't work out family relationships . I put her on the phone to my daughter and she said she was talking to her ' niece ' . She can 't name her grandchildren at all . She doesn 't know if my brother has any children and when told their names , knows nothing about them , though sometimes when we 're shopping , she 'll want to buy a babies ' book for ' little C . ' ( he 's 17 ) or a doll for ' little Ca ' ( 14 ) or a toy for ' A ' ( now 21 with her own daughter ) . All this is extremely frustrating . She can 't let me out of her sight . I can 't even walk to the letterbox without her getting in a total panic and calling out for me . She 'll also wander round the house when she can 't see me , saying over and over , " Where is she ? Where is she ? " Where once she was happy to sit out on the veranda with the cats , now she can 't settle there at all . By 4 o ' clock in the afternoon I 've had enough . I am stressed out of my brain . I can 't take any more . I still have to feed and shower her and I 'm exhausted . And around this time she starts obsessing about the cats more than ever . She wants them all inside for the night . She gets very angry and nasty . I end up yelling . But I can see the difference with the medication . It 's not quite as bad as it was , and through the day I can manage her all right . I must convince myself not to tell her anything , though . I must never mention it might rain , or the car needs fixing , or I 'm going shopping tomorrow , or we need more cat food . If I tell her anything at all , it disturbs her and sends her into a panic . Bad weather specially terrifies her . I keep forgetting , I could kick myself , and I hope I can remember to speak only about the present and the things that are currently surrounding her . " Here 's a cat to sit on your knee " , " Have a cup of tea " or " Come and sit in the loungeroom " are safe things to say . Mum and I have always been against taking pharmaceuticals of any kind . I have had to go onto blood pressure medication because nothing else worked and it was getting very serious - 180 / 110 . But other than that we don 't take anything . I think it 's great that up to the age of 85 Mum has not taken these damn poisonous things . But there comes a time when you get so desperate you have to try something to alleviate the situation . I am perfectly aware that medications of all kinds will shorten your life . But in Mum 's situation , I think I would want my life shortened in any case . Who wants to have the Alzheimers get worse and maybe live another ten years . Sometimes I think Mum will outlive me , she is so fit . She can walk miles . I took Mum to see Dr Pearson due to her extreme agitation and imagining people who aren 't there . I thought I wouldn 't want to be suffering like that if I had these symptoms and since they can 't be reversed , I would probably agree to take something to help me feel calmer . Dr Pearson said he believed Lexapro might help and that we should give it a try . Well , she 's been on the Lexapro for 3 weeks and she 's a lot less agitated and slightly less cat - obsessive . I haven 't seen any bad side effects so far . If it makes her sleep less , that 's good , as she was going to bed at 5 p . m . and getting up at 7 a . m . I suppose you have to find something that suits the person and relieves the symptoms , and I was just lucky the first thing we tried seems to have worked . The last three months since I brought Mum home from the nursing home have been very hard . I didn 't realize how bad her psychotic symptoms were , the hallucinations and the obsession with cats . She was keeping me up half the night hammering on the front and back doors , demanding that the cats be let inside ( all five of them ) . Her cat is 16 years old and incontinent so I 'm not having it sleeping inside no matter what . I had to deadlock the doors and lock the back window to stop her getting out . It was terrible . Mum tries to get out the bathroom window to the cats in the middle of the night . Her hand is bandaged to due an attack by one of my feral cats that didn 't want to be picked up and carried . I finally hit on the idea of bringing in one of the cats , called Tapir , to sleep on her bed . She 's got so bad she no longer knows which cat is which and calls them all ' my cat ' and they are all ' him ' or ' he ' even if they are female . Tapir is very good - he comes to my room when he needs the toilet and taps on the door so I can let him out . I am not going to do cat litter ever again - it makes me sick . To stop Mum locking him or any cat in her room I had a handyman install a door stopper so it won 't close completely . So now I say to her every night , " I am putting your cat on your bed " and she 's happy with that . She thinks it is her old cat Cleo . Having one cat on her bed stops her from going after all the other cats every night . Even when it starts pouring with rain , she stays in her bed and doesn 't jump up and demand that I go out and ' save ' the cats . They don 't need saving , they are sleeping on a covered veranda . Posted by Mum has been living at my place for several weeks . During the day , she is mostly quite good , but in the evenings and at night she can be awful . Tonight I thought she was in bed but I heard something bashing on the wall . I went in and she was standing in the corner of the room banging on the wall . I asked what she was doing - she replied , " Every night a woman gets into the roof and tries to get into my room . " I am really not sure what to say to that . I have kept her off psychiatric drugs until this point in time but I 'm starting to think something very strong is in order . The ethical problem is , all these drugs shorten your life . Alzheimers is so much like schizophrenia . What a big day we 've had . I was so frightened I wouldn 't survive even the first day . The day began with Mum banging on my bedroom door somewhere around daybreak to tell me the cats were ' starving ' and that I had to get up and feed them NOW . I was not impressed . The cats are on a strict routine of two meals , the first at 9 a . m . and the second at 5 p . m . This way , they eat everything that 's put in front of them , nothing is wasted and they 're all sleek , shiny and fit . Mum suffered from a bad cat obsession when she lived in her own house , up till a year ago . She had dozens of plates of cat food all over the house , fifteen water containers ( for one cat ! ) and she wouldn 't let the cat walk anywhere . It had to live on her bed . If the cat ventured off the bed , she 'd grab it and put it back up there . If it wanted the toilet , it would just go on the doona . Its water and food were kept on the bed , which Mum also slept in . Mum would also hide plates of cat food , including fresh meat and tinned food . She 'd hide the food in the cupboards and a few days later you 'd find it because you could smell it . She seemed to be hiding the food from imaginary intruders . The cat was never allowed outside - in fact it was never allowed out of the bedroom , or off the bed . When I tried to improve things for the cat , Mum would get furious and on occasion would push me down the steps and shove me . But after nearly a year of not living with the cat or sleeping with it , I thought we had the problem beat . She 'd visit me at my house and not do anything silly with the cat . She wouldn 't even ask me to feed the cat . But this morning 's shenanigans have me worried the obsession could come back . I decided to try and deal with tomorrow morning before it arrives . I couldn 't get the key out of the back door lock , so I got a handyman over to replace the lock so I can lock the door and take away the key . I 've put newspaper all over the windows where she might look out and see ' starving cats ' ( since I had to take two of her cats , there are five . Her second cat , she doesn 't care much about and never even says hullo to him . The whole obsession is with the older cat ) . So when she inevitably wakes up before me , she won 't be able to get out of the front or back doors and she won 't be able to see out of the back window to find out if there are starving hungry dying cats out there . I don 't expect Alzheimers has any respect for Sundays , though . If her cat was a nice cat , I could handle the situation better . But it 's one of the nastiest , most vicious and bad tempered cats I 've ever met . It hates all the other cats , hates people and scratches and makes Mum bleed whenever she picks it up . I decided to move Mum out of the nursing home . There was nothing wrong with it - she was just too bored there . She likes to do many things that people in nursing homes mostly can 't do , like walking for miles , hanging out washing and playing with the cats . I had a horrible day thinking about it . I left it until late afternoon . I wondered if I would be a failure . I wondered if I should just jump off a bridge if it didn 't work out . I wondered if she 'd be as horrible as she was when she was in her own house and maybe even kill me by pushing me down the steps like she did in the past . After being terrified all day , it wasn 't as bad as I expected . She 's now in bed with one of the younger cats that can stay inside without making a mess . She finally accepted that her old cat can 't come inside . I have got very irritated through the afternoon but just kept firmly answering that the cats are fed at 9 a . m . and 5 p . m . and never at any other time and if I keep that up , maybe it will sink in that I am not going to hand over the cat food to her . |
The point of view is going to dance around a little bit . I 'm okay with that - this time . Also , I 'm not sure if the setting comes through well enough . It 'll be one of the questions at the end . I won 't answer the questions because I don 't know if that 's spoiler - ish . I know some people like to read the questions first , which is not a good idea , but I 'll wait for comments and then let you know what 's right . Long one , about 5 , 600 words . It was late in the day , nearly sunset , when a man in a faded , gray suit stumbled out of a store on dusty street in the town of Heart . Shortly after the door slammed shut , it opened again as the owner of Goddard 's Pawn Shop stared at the man on the sidewalk . The store owner , though noticeably older and shorter than the man glaring back at him , chased him out rather easily despite the size and age difference . " Let me make this clear , " said Goddard , pointing a finger towards the other man 's face . " You were wanted here yesterday . You are not wanted here today . You will not be wanted here tomorrow or ever . Not you . Not your kind . " The older man tightened his fists , then relaxed . " Please . Go back to where you belong . " The older man turned and re - entered the air - conditioned store , leaving the man in the gray suit tugging at his lapels and collar while attempting to regain a semblance of dignity . The suit , which matched his thick , gray hair , was as worn out as once - black shoes . " You haven 't seen the last of me , " he called . The door had closed , but his voice echoed through the glass . He watched Mr . Goddard 's walk pause for a moment while walking to his place at the cash register . The sun was setting at just the right time to ignite the street from one end to the other , making the man in the gray suit appear as if he were walking straight out of a fire . He checked the buttons of his jacket , straightened his lapels , and was ready to take a step along the sun - baked street . From the moment the pawn shop door had opened , he had been aware of a man whose eyes had locked upon him . " Young man , is there something I can help you with ? " The other man , leaning on one of the few trees on Main Street , said nothing . His lower lip quivered and his eyes averted from the sunset glancing off the older man 's shoulders . " Call me Stan , " said the older man . He put an arm around the younger man and led him away from the sunset . " What 's your name , son ? " " J - Joe . " As Joe looked ahead , he could see their shadows stretching over a dozen yards ahead . The sun , almost gone behind them , cast an orange glow upon the buildings up the street before them . " Tell me about yourself , Joe , " smiled Stan . " Tell me what I can do for you , and I will try my best . But first - why me ? " " To be honest , you just looked like someone who might be a little more well - off than me . I know lots of people are on hard times . " Joe 's voice wavered . " But I know there 's still some good people willing to help out others . " " Joe , " said Stan , " I just love the name ' Joe . ' It 's so simple and honest . It 's like when you talk to someone named Joe , there 's nothing to hide . But let me warn you , Joe . There 's a difference between good people and people willing to help . They 're not always the same people . " They approached a corner where a boy ruffled through a trash can looking for anything he could either eat or sell . A car approached from the side . Joe was ready to stop , but Stan continued and forced the car to sudden halt . " Take the bankers , " Stan continued . " Sure , they want to help . They 'll lend you anything you want , but they 'll expect more than triple in return . And if you 're not making your payments , you 'll be in the clink . Am I right , or am I right , Joe ? " " Of course I am . But you haven 't answered my question , Joe . Why me ? You said I looked like someone who would help ? What is it about me that looks like that ? I should know so I can make sure I change it . I don 't have time for every who is down - on - their - luck , no offense , but I don 't need everyone asking me for help . I mean , what about me ? " Stan raised his left arm high , his right still around Joe 's shoulders . " Maybe I need help too ? You saw that man chase me out of his store . " " Yes , I did . " Joe noticed that they had walked much further and faster than he would have guessed , and they were approaching the edge of town . The houses were fewer and the trees taller and thicker . Ahead was a dirt road that wound into the darkness . " Okay , Stan . I don 't know how to say it for sure , but you seemed like someone who had an air about you . Something told me that you seemed like you were someone in charge of something . I figured you 'd be in a good position to spare a dollar or two . " " Well , Joe , I appreciate that you 'd look at me as someone who can help . And because of your honesty , I 'll do what I can . But I must admit , I 'm really not much better off than you are . I know this suit makes me look better , but it isn 't much more than that . " " Yes , Joe , I do , and that 's important . " They stepped on , in and out of trees and into a small clearing . The half moon was enough to light up the stray clouds that seemed frozen in the early night sky . " It 's important because people will judge you . Every day . They 'll say they don 't judge you , but they do . They lie . We all lie sometimes . You 've lied , haven 't you ? " " Yes , I have . " Joe 's legs grew heavy , as if he were walking through snow drifts . " But are you sure it 's a good idea to go into the woods like this ? There 's lots of people nowadays who are struggling . I hear they hide in the woods and rob strangers passing by . " " Oh , no worries about that , Joe . We 'll be fine . I know most of those types , and they know me . They won 't bother us . " " Relax , Joe . You 're safe with me . I have a small camp up ahead here . I 'm inviting you to spend the night here , if you wish , unless you have somewhere else to go . " " I wish I did , but I 'd be happy to stay around . I passed this way last night , but I was lucky I didn 't see anyone . I mean anyone who might be up to no good . " " No , not in these woods . I can promise you that . These woods are safe . I 'm certain of that . You stay here as long as you like , son . " " Joe , do me a favor , and just feel around out there for some sticks and branches for a good fire . I have some stuff hidden around here , some flint and steel for making a fire . I 'll get some dried leaves to get started , but your muscles are better suited than mine for the heavy stuff . Okay ? " " Wonderful , " said Stan , rising from one of the tree stumps , " now if you wouldn 't mind breaking that up into smaller pieces , I 'll go get us some dinner . " Before Joe had a chance to ask , Stan disappeared beyond the ring of trees just faintly lit by the beginnings of the fire . Only a few minutes later , Stan returned to find the large , hefty limb broken into many smaller chunks . " Well , " Joe was still catching his breath , " I put the limb on one of the tree stumps , and I stomped on it one piece at a time . What do you have there ? " He pointed to a handful of something in each of Stan 's fists . " I have traps set . " Stan pulled a knife from a sack behind one of the tree stumps , leaving Joe to wonder why he hadn 't seen it before . " Usually , by nightfall , I come back to find something caught . It has rarely disappointed me . " " This old thing ? " Stan laughed , then he stood and removed his jacket . He held it up for Joe to see and smacked it with his broad hand . Dust flew in all directions , and frayed cuffs and seams showed themselves to Joe , though he couldn 't recall seeing such wear earlier in the day . " I know what you 're thinking , Joe . But let 's talk about it in the morning . Take this , " Stan said while reaching into his sack again . Joe watched the burlap ruffle up and down as the older man pulled out two dark blankets and tossed one over to the younger man . " I know you have questions , but let 's get some rest , let our bodies refresh themselves with the help of that rabbit dinner , and we 'll talk in the morning . Good enough ? " In the last moments of Joe 's dream , he imagined the woods in which he had been sleeping were on fire . Branches were falling and leaves crackled as they burned . He sat up quickly and noticeably sweaty compared to the cool morning . " Good morning , " called a voice from behind him . He turned to see Stan 's sharp grin coming from the other side of another campfire . The man held a frying pan in which eggs sizzled and popped . " I hope you 're hungry . " " Well I 'll be darned , " said the wide - eyed younger man , now sitting up straighter than he had in weeks . " I knew you were someone to turn to for help . You just seem to be getting along just fine for someone living in the woods . But isn 't that stealing ? " " Not the farmer , but the farmer 's wife . She 's the one being generous . I do favors for her , and she does these kinds of favors for me . " " Sorry Joe , but there 's only so much that can be done . " Stan served Joe more eggs but didn 't eat any himself . " And the chores I do for her take a special kind of skill that you might not be able to do . But let 's just finish up your breakfast because we have some places to go today . " " Low ? " barked Stan . " Now just a minute . A man 's gotta do what a man 's gotta do . If that means a little trash picking in order to feed his family , then that 's what it takes . You better learn that lesson fast , young Joe . A man 's gotta do what a man 's gotta do . " Later in the day , about an hour before sunset , Stan and Joe had created quite an appetite for themselves . They had spent the bulk of the day strolling up and down the various streets of town poking through trash cans at the curb in front of most houses on the southern side of town . Each man had a burlap sack in which they 'd stash anything that seemed as if it might be worth something . " Say , Joe , " said Stan , " let 's see what we collected today . " Like two kids pulling gifts from a stocking on Christmas morning , each man showed the other what he had found , random things including glass jars , worn clothing , kitchen utensils , tools , and more . Eventually , then sat back and , like the previous night , picked at their teeth with sharpened sticks . Branches thick with summer leaves and stars in the night sky watched from above as if they knew something was on the horizon . " Joe , " said Stan , " let me have your sack so I can keep it safe . " Joe balled it up and tossed it towards Stan who did not catch it but let it land nearby . When it landed , there was a distinct thump . " You must have missed something . " " Why , it looks like , " Stan paused , " yes . It 's a gun . " He held it up , turning it over and over , feeling its weight . " A revolver . Looks like police issue . " " Gun ? " Joe sat up from the stump , instantly feeling more of the heat as he leaned closer to the fire . " I don 't reckon picking that up today . I ' da definitely known had I found something like that . " " You would think so , " said Stan , " but it was an awful hot day . Sometimes things just slip by , you know ? Sometimes we can 't give attention to everything . Sometimes , we just miss things . Right ? " Stan watched as Joe slowly leaned back against the tree stump again . " You look sad about something . Do you want to talk about it ? Get it off your chest ? I 'd be happy to listen , maybe offer some advice . " Stan 's eyes popped and his mouth twisted . " Don 't say such things ! That 's a serious call , Joe . Very serious . You must be hurting awful bad to say something like that . " Stan leaned forward from his stump , stood , and sat upon it . " In times like this , none of us are very honorable . We all make mistakes , but it 's not as if you did something as horrible as use a gun like this against someone . Right ? Of course not . " " No , " Joe mumbled , " never a gun . No . " He stared into the fire , allowing the flames to dance in his eyes . Those same flames seemed to reach up and brush against Stan 's face on the other side of the fire . The waves of heat climbed up from the fire , making Stan appear as if he were underwater . " I 'd rather not say . I 'd rather just have that gun . " Joe 's eyes moved from the older man 's eyes to the black , metal object in his hands . Stan held the gun up higher so it was in line with Joe 's face . " I know how you 're feeling , Joe . I 've done some horrible things too . I can 't lie . If most men had done the things I 've done , there 'd be a lot more people taking a gun to their own heads . I know how you feel . And to tell you the truth , I 'm thinking of doing the same thing . But there 's only one bullet in here . Why should I give it to you instead of using it myself ? " " I found it . It was in my bag . I have rights to it . I don 't mean to threaten you , but I want my gun back . " " Yes , " said Stan , " I know that . " He held the gun in a more useful position . " But I have it right now , and I doubt you 'll try to take it from me . " " And if you shoot me , then you 'll just be doing what I would have done anyway . So go right ahead . " Joe stood , arms limp at his sides . " Do me the greatest favor a man can do . Put me out of my misery , and I 'll be forever grateful . I 'll be sure to put a good word in for you on the other side . " Stan smiled . " That 's not possible , but I appreciate it . If I were going to shoot you , it would just be in the leg . Not to kill . However , I 'll make you a deal . " " You tell me your story . If it breaks my heart , then I 'll hand you the gun . Provided you plan to use it on yourself and not me . " I was just a regular guy with a regular job in the town general store . Mr . Parker , my boss , was a good man and took a liking to me . He helped me find a home . He hired me to do work around his house because he had a bad arm and couldn 't lift much . I would have dinner with his family sometimes . Went to his church too , and I met a great girl there . We got married and had two kids . Beautiful kids . Everything was great , and then hard times hit . First , people started losing their jobs . Farmers were killing their milk cows just to eat . The cow 's feed corn became the family 's dinner . Everyone in town was hurting , but the store was doing okay because people still needed things . Then things got worse . People needed things , but they couldn 't afford them . Mr . Parker , being such a nice man , let people open charge accounts . He kept records , people promised to pay him back , but he knew they might not . Still , he allowed it . Then , he had to make a choice to either let me go and put me on a charge account or keep me on without paying me . He decided to let me go because he said that a strong , young guy like me can find a job somewhere . If he kept me on without paying me , it would keep me from finding something else . I told him that I would be okay if I stayed on , but he felt wrong about it . I didn 't know how to tell my wife . It was too embarrassing , and I felt too worthless . I pretended I was going to work every day , but really I was just wandering around the county . I was going to abandoned houses , seeing what I could take that might be worth something . But it wasn 't stealing , not to me , because those folks had up and left their homes to find work somewhere else . When I would get home , I explained to my wife Mary that Mr . Parker couldn 't pay me with money but was paying me with things from the store . I didn 't have the heart to tell her the truth , but I knew one day I would have to explain . I kept putting it off . Then one of my kids got sick , but I had nothing to pay the doctor . He made her well , bless his heart because he knew I was stuck , but I told him I would pay him when I got paid the following week . Had to say that because my wife was right there . Doctor looked at me a little funny because he probably knew I wasn 't working for Mr . Parker anymore . But I could tell he knew to just let me talk in front of Mary and the kids . Good man , that doctor . The next day , I had an idea . During the day , instead of wandering , I went to Mr . Parker 's house to speak with his wife . I was planning to ask her if it was possible to convince her husband to let me do some more work around the house to pay the doctor . I could build a shed , fix a roof , and all kinds of things around the house . I was sure there was something I could do . I knocked on the door at about ten when I knew Mr . Parker would be at the store , but nobody answered . I thought it was odd , so I went around the back of the house and knocked there . I saw his car still in the yard , and I knew he never walked to the store . Nobody answered when I knocked out back , and I didn 't know what to do . I stood there and looked out at the pond behind his house . It was such a beautiful day , the ducks were swimming , and the sun was shining down on everything . Then I heard a noise inside the house . It sounded like a scraping , or maybe it was like someone was hitting something , like with a stick . I don 't remember , but I felt like I had to find out . I tried the back door . It was locked , but I pushed it open easily . Everything downstairs looked just fine , nothing looked wrong , so I went upstairs . In the first bedroom , I found something awful . His son , only about ten years old , was on his bed . His arms were at his side , he was blindfolded , and he had been shot in the head . In Mr . and Mrs . Parker 's bedroom , his wife was the same way in their bed . I went into the bathroom , and there was Mr . Parker . He was in the bathtub . Whiskey bottle was smashed on the floor . He had a mark on his head , and I think he tried to shoot himself but didn 't get it right . I guess he was either already drunk , or he then got drunk . His right hand was cut , so was his left wrist . The tub was full of blood . He must have shot his family and then killed himself . I said a prayer , and then I was planning on going to the police . On my way out of the bedroom , I saw a piece of paper on the bed next to his wife . It said , " I didn 't know what else to do . I 'm sorry . Please God forgive me . " I don 't remember leaving the house , but the next thing I remember was being downtown in front of his store . People were knocking , looking in the windows , and wondering why he wasn 't open . I knew everyone there , everyone knew everyone in town anyway , and one of the people there was the bank loan manager . He saw me and waved me over away from everyone else . He asked me if I had seen Mr . Parker . I didn 't answer , didn 't want to say yes or no , just wanted to wait him out . I knew him because he had come to me privately about my bank loan . I had missed my last two payments , and most people knew that him looking for you was bad news . Then I went home . I saw my wife and told her that there was a problem at the store and I might be late tonight . I said that Mr . Parker had a lot of heavy deliveries and lifting to do , and that it might take long . I told her not to wait up for me . Then , when everyone had left hanging around the store , I went around back . I knew where an extra key was hidden , and I went inside . I kept the lights off and started filling a sack with as much as I could . Mostly canned foods , things that might keep me going for a while . I took some camping things , candles , matches , knife , sharpening stone , a few other small things . Then I said another prayer , for both me and my family . Prayed to God to forgive me for stealing . I locked up , and I just started walking . " That was about four months ago . All I 've done since then was walk . I don 't even know what state or town I 'm in right now . I think this is Missouri , but I can 't be sure . " " I looked up to Mr . Parker . He was someone I admired very much . When things got tough for him , he did something horrible . Things were tough for me too . I started to worry about myself . If someone as great as Mr . Parker could feel so hopeless , so scared , that he was too afraid to face his family , then what about me ? How could I be sure I wasn 't going to eventually do the same thing he did ? I left because I was afraid I might hurt my family . I 'd rather leave them , know they 're safe , and hope someone else will step in and take care of them . I 'd rather leave than risk something happens to them . " " You walked out of your family , " said Stan . " You abandoned them . You turned your tail and ran instead of being a man and facing your fate . Is that what you did ? " " I don 't know if that 's what I did , but I won 't deny it if it 's so . And that 's why I just want to take that gun and do what Mr . Parker tried to do . But to just do it to myself . " Joe watched as Stan stood , which made the younger man feel even smaller than he already felt . Stan moved around to the other side of the fire . He reached and put a hand on Joe 's shoulder . When he did , Joe felt something like a spark bite right through his coat . " I 'll tell you what I 'll do , Joe . I 'm going to sleep . I 'm going to put this gun right here on this tree stump next to you . I 'm not going to tell you what to do , not going to tell you what not to do . You 're a grown man . You 've made your own choices in life , and you 're living with them as best you can . It 's not for me to decide your future . It 's up to you . I only ask two things , that you give me your word that you 'll make sure you don 't harm anyone other than yourself . And that if you 're going to pull that trigger , you make good and sure that I 'm asleep before you do it . " " I 'm going to sleep , " said Stan . Joe looked to his left to see the gun . The barrel was aimed away from him . It seemed as shiny as a brand new car in a parking lot . He wasn 't certain how long he had stared at the gun , but by the time he looked up again he saw Stan motionless , wrapped in his blanket with his back to the fire . Joe found two more chunks of wood and added them to the fire , making sure to keep the area warm for the next hour or two . Then he sat back down and stared at the fire again . Flames danced and teased him . The strips of orange , red , and yellow waved at him , taunted him , licked at him like teasing tongues of heat and hate . Hate for himself . After what seemed like only a few minutes , Joe blinked away the dryness in his eyes . He thought at first the wind might have kicked up and pushed some smoke in his face . But when he looked at the fire , he saw that the two small logs he had added were nothing but ashes . To the best he could think , he had been sitting in some kind of trance . He tried to stand , but his back and legs ached , convincing him that he must have been motionless for as long as it took those chunks of wood to burn down . He looked to is left again . The gun was still there . He looked again into the fire , what remained of it . He looked at Stan , motionless and still wrapped in a blanket . He looked again at the gun on the tree stump . A man in a faded , gray suit entered store on dusty street in town of Heart . Shortly after the door slammed shut , the man strolled up to the owner of Goddard 's Pawn Shop . The store owner folded his arms and narrowed his eyes . Stan turned on his heels and headed for the door . Goddard wobbled left and right as he followed Stan to the front of the store . It was late in the day , nearly sunset , when a man in a faded , gray suit strolled easily out of a store on dusty street in Heart , Missouri . Goddard tightened his fists , then relaxed . " Please . Go back to where you belong . " Originally , Stan 's suit was very crisp , new , and shiny . Shoes too . Then I changed it . I might not have caught all of the changes . If not , sorry about that . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
We try not to go overboard on Christmas gifts with our kids , but let 's be honest . . . it 's hard . Even tho we only buy 3 gifts for each of our kids , it can be expensive . Especially as the kids get older . Our kids know that we do a lot for them during the year , so it was pretty hard to get them to list a few items they would like for Christmas . Joshua wrote his list and it was so precious . He asked for sweat pants , socks , a planner , and a " wolf " calendar . The first 3 items I got at Wal - Mart in about 10 minutes . . . and I was able to find a calendar with a wolf on it at the mall . And I know that 's 4 items . . . but . . . COME ON . . . I try really hard to keep things kind of equal , but one of mine asked for a new phone " if his contract was up , " and for the price of that . . . to keep things equal . . . I could 've bought Joshua a case of socks and sweat pants . Just sayin ' . It is pretty easy to buy for Holly , since she 's a girly - girl and I shop with her a lot . I know her and I know her taste . . . most of the time . Holly has a December birthday , so I was able to buy her some things that were unique to her on her special day . But for Christmas , I decided to buy all the girls in our family the exact same things , or , close to it . I think it worked out well . Logan put three items on his list and helped me order them . Two of them came in time for Christmas . . . one of them has yet to arrive . But he 's okay with it . I also bought him a DVD from the $ 5 bin at Wal - Mart to put in his stocking , and he was really happy with that . The biggest surprise came from my husband . We do not exchange gifts with each other . It 's a tradition we started a LONG time ago . He just never could think of what to get me , and I could think of a 100 things to get him . . . and so he felt bad , I felt bad . . . . and we decided that we wouldn 't do it anymore . Early in our marriage , we would wait until after Christmas and then use any money we got for Christmas to get a joint gift . . . or to get things for ourselves during the after - Christmas sales . This year , my very frugal , very predictable husband did something very generous and very UNpredictable for our family . He called and asked Clark to clean out his truck and for us to meet him at a car dealership . . . so we went there . . . and in 30 minutes we were driving home in a new vehicle . Well , new to us . To say I was shocked was an understatement . My husband is the most thrifty man I have ever met . He is very thoughtful with our finances and does his best to save money and not make any unnecessary purchases . We have had a lot of unplanned things in our marriage . . . a child with life - long health and medical challenges , and another child who had health and medical issues for several years . . . that could 've drained us financially , but because of Jim 's saving and planning , we have been able to make it on one income all of these years . " But the gift is not like the trespass . For if by the one man 's trespass the many died , how much more have the grace of God and the gift overflowed to the many by the grace of the one man , Jesus Christ . " Romans 5 : 15 - 17 So , on Christmas morning , after the presents were unwrapped , Joshua stood up . And , side note : this has nothing to do with the story , I just want to remember what he was wearing : a white t - shirt , warm - up pants , his navy blue robe ( we call it his smoking jacket ! ) . . . and , on his feet , his ever present Crocs . In his hands , he held a stack of papers . . . notebook papers . The kind that you rip out of a spiral notebook . . . the kind that leaves the ripped edges . He slowly walked over to Logan and gave him one of the papers . He says it 's a " poem " for him . And then he gave him another paper . " For Morgan , " he says . Joshua loves to write . For the past year or so , he has been writing a story that he thinks would make a good movie . He likes to write songs / poems for people , and he always writes something for us on our birthdays . We aren 't surprised to get notes from him . They are always hand - written and very heart - felt . And they are usually always funny . . . not to Joshua , he is very sincere about them . It 's just that sometimes the words he uses aren 't in the proper context , and that makes it funny . Like the time he bought Jenni the birthday card with the giant dog on the front , and when you opened it the dog 's long tongue came down . Joshua wrote on the tongue , " Happy Birthday Jenni ! I want to lick you . " Now , Aaron was sitting there grinning , because he had been watching and had already realized that Joshua had forgotten to write him one . . . and it was FINE . Aaron has such a kind heart when it comes to Joshua . Anyway , Joshua looked kind of startled . . . I could tell he was a little upset , but he tried to cover by saying , " uhhh . . . Aaron . . . I just did it for the biological family . " And he did his little " air quotes " over the word , " family . " And , of course , they are all grinning and thinking it 's great fun . . . and I 'm watching Joshua to make sure he realized they were just playing with him . He does not typically " get " sarcasm and teasing . . . it just makes him mad . And those two rat - finks were cracking up and messing with him , and Aaron was saying , " that 's okay , Joshua , I know how you feel . . . you don 't have to write me anything . " It 's just pretty funny that he wrote one for Morgan . . . because OF COURSE HE DID . He adores Morgan , and kinda has a little not - creepy crush on her . I wouldn 't be surprised if her poem wasn 't the first one he wrote ! Later , we were cleaning everything up and something was said about Joshua . I said , " I bet he is upstairs writing a poem for Aaron . " Holly said , " I bet he isn 't . " Well , he came down a little later carrying a piece of that notebook paper . He had not written Aaron a poem . . . he had written him a letter . In it , he talked about how honored and thankful he is that Aaron married his sister , and how he doesn 't see Aaron just as a brother - in - law , but as a best friend . I made a breakfast casserole this morning , and I also made this cinnamon roll casserole thing that I saw on another blog . It . was . yummy . Jim fried ham that his mom had sent home with us . . . and I popped a few biscuits in the oven for those who just wanted to keep it simple . After I got all of that cleaned up , Holly and Aaron came over and we were ready to open the presents . The very first thing we do every year is read the passage from Luke 2 out - loud . The kids all take a section and it doesn 't matter what verses they read , but Joshua HAS to start . It just isn 't Christmas without hearing him say , " when Qwi - REAR - ius was governor of Sy - REAR - ia . . . " I think everyone liked their gifts . Some will have to be exchanged and some were duplicated . . . and we had two gifts that have yet to show up . . . but over - all , it was great ! And , now that they are older , I know that if there wasn 't one gift under our tree . . . just being together would be good enough for them . I have wrapped and wrapped and wrapped today . We typically get our kids about 3 presents each . We started this practice a long time ago when they were little . Jim said that if it was good enough for Jesus . . . it was good enough for us . And then there 's the " stocking stuffers " for 8 stockings ! I typically put things like body wash , toothpaste , perfume / cologne , gum , nail polish for the girls , etc in the stockings . For the past few years , I 've put Crest Whitestrips in them . My kids like using those , but they are so stinkin ' expensive . . . so it 's a treat for them . This year , they were ALL OUT of those at the store where I went , and I decided I wasn 't going all over the Creation just to get those . I also always get the boys a new pair of boxers . I try to get some really fun or crazy patterns for Christmas . This year , I didn 't do that , either . In fact , I am totally re - thinking everything that I 'm putting in their stockings . Now that I have a future daughter - in - law , and my other sons have girlfriends . . . if I give them soap or body wash . . . or toothpaste and shampoo . . . are they thinking that I think they are stinky ? I don 't ! They aren 't ! And if I give them Crest Whitestrips , will they think that I think they have yellow teeth ? I don 't ! They don 't ! Tonight , we had our Christmas Eve service at our church . It was a great time of worship with a children 's story , lots of singing , and the Lord 's supper . It was great to see all of the families there . . . little kids all the way up to great - grandparents . So blessed to be a part of a church family . Tonight , for the first time in . . . FOREVER . . . I have no presents to wrap ! I finished wrapping this afternoon , and so I might actually get to go to bed at a decent hour ! It 's a Christmas Eve miracle ! Clark is doing better . He slept well last night and slept LATE this morning . Bless his heart . . . he is so hungry . ALL . THE . TIME . He 's had so many smoothies and milkshakes . The boy wants some substance , but he has to be careful . Yesterday at our " Christmas meal " with Jim 's family . . . and against my advice . . . he decided to attempt eating a steak . He cut it up into tiny pieces , but no matter how much you cut up meat . . . it 's not a milkshake . He said that even tho it made his mouth bleed , it was still the best thing he had eaten since Thursday night . I know this time of year can be so hard for many people . You only have to be out in public a short time to see people rushing around , racing through parking lots , being rude . You can see the stress on their faces , the sadness in their eyes . " Bless us all , that as we live , we always comfort and forgive . We have so much that we can share with those in need we see around us everywhere . . . Bless us all with playful years , with noisy games and joyful tears . We reach for You , and we stand tall , and in our prayers and dreams we ask You , bless us all . " " I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace . You will have suffering in this world . Be courageous ! I have conquered the world . " John 16 : 33 Today was the " Garland Family Christmas " with my in - laws . I wasn 't sure Clark and I were going to get to go , but he woke up feeling okay and so off we went . He said he was wanting to get off the pain pills , so I gave him his dose at 10 before we left . . . and didn 't bring the next dose with me . Most of the family was already there when we arrived . There were about 18 of us all - together . . . from about age 78 down to age 4 . We had our " Christmas meal " of steak , baked potatoes , corn , salad and rolls . I wasn 't really hungry at the time . There 's not really a lot of room where we eat and so everyone was stepping over everyone else . . . it was kind of hectic . I got Joshua all situated with his food . . . everyone else took care of themselves . Now , " having Christmas " has a different meaning at my in - laws house . Typically , my mother - in - law gives us all a large gift bag full of stuff . I call it my SOS . . . " sack of . . . stuff . " Things I 've gotten in my SOS are : random , decorative thumbtacks , pens , hammers , screwdrivers , a " throw blanket , " devotion book , a net thing that you can put your PANTYHOSE in to wash them in the washing machine ( whaaaat ? 1978 called and wants your pantyhose back ! ) , an x - acto knife , a turban towel , a tape measure , a spatula , and salt and pepper shakers . My mother - in - law typically buys these things on her annual trip to Branson . She goes with 10 other " lady friends " and they frequent all kinds of off - brand " dollar store " type of stores . . . places you can 't ever find anywhere else if you wanted to take any of your gifts back . You can 't . Don 't even try . You just can 't . I already have approximately 11 " throw blankets " at my house . She says , " they are SO handy ! Like when you have company come over and they get a little chill . . . or if you go on a trip . . . you never know when you might need a little " throw blanket " in the car . . . they are so handy ! " . I can 't figure out why I didn 't get one . We have begged and begged my mother - in - law to just give us each a $ 10 gift card to WM . I would rather have that and buy something that I could use . She doesn 't understand that . She wants everyone to have something . . . ANYthing . . . to open . But this year , I got a gift - card ( YAY ) . . . and , just to keep it real . . . a set of 4 decorative cheese spreaders . I love my in - laws but they are about the most eccentric people I have ever met . There is a tall bar - counter that separates the kitchen from the dining area . My mother - in - law has added shelves on top of the counter . If you are standing in the dining area , you really can 't see into the kitchen . . . because of all the shelves and the stuff on the shelves . They are FULL of stuff . You can 't even imagine . But today , on top of the shelves . . . on top of the stuff . . . there were three empty milk jugs . One was sitting up straight , and the other two were on their sides . When we asked my father - in - law about it , he said the jugs were " bat alarms , " and that if a bat flew into the house , they would hit the empty milk jugs and knock them down . . . and that 's how we would know there are bats in the house . Clark was not feeling well after a couple of hours , so we came on home . It was great to see everyone , but it was also great to come home . I haven 't gotten a lot of sleep since I 've been sleeping in the living room with Clark , so I 'm pretty tired . I watched Clark sleep . I watched Clark eat . I watched Clark take his meds . I watched Clark walk to the bathroom . I watched Clark take a shower . Wait . NO , I most certainly did NOT do THAT . I did , however , listen the entire time he was in the shower . . . just in case he fainted or something . I 've been the cook today . . . made a grilled cheese at the crack of dawn , and cut it into tiny pieces , so that he would have food on his stomach when he took his meds . I made a milk - shake and a smoothie . I warmed up chicken ' n ' dumplin 's . If you 're a mom and you have older kids . . . you know that they don 't really NEED you for anything . I mean , they DO . . . they just don 't think that they do . At this stage , they like to think they are independent and self - sufficient , even tho they still like for you to do things like . . . THEIR LAUNDRY . . . and fix their meals and occasionally give them gas money and buy them clothes and treats . You 're just supposed to do it like a Seal Team 6 . . . quickly , quietly and never seen . He was so nervous and worried about it . Bless his heart . I was kinda dreading it , too , not gonna lie . Where most people might have a question or two for the doctor , Clark had ten . He started reading up on side - effects , drug reactions , and things like " dry socket . " I just knew that if anyone was going to have some kind of weird thing happen with this . . . it would be him . So Clark was really nervous , but ready . We all got to go back with him to a pre - waiting room area , but when it was time for his IV . . . they took him to surgery by himself . Hello , people . What are you thinking ? He 's just a baby ! Jim and I , Clark and Faith - the - girlfriend , joined hands to pray before he left . And I cried . And Clark walked out real fast . I mean , the last time we handed him off to a nurse was 15 years ago . He had just been diagnosed with cancer , and they were doing surgery to remove the malignant tumor . . . and part of his liver . I know this is not the same as that at ALL . . . but I couldn 't help but get a little emotional . When they told us he was ready to go home , we drove around to the surgery pick - up at the back and a big , male nurse walked him out . Clark was as pale as a sheet . Before he even got to the car , he threw up at least twice . I felt so bad for him . They gave him a little , plastic basin thing for the ride home . When Clark asked for it , we couldn 't really understand him because his mouth was all numb and full of gauze . . . so when he said , " bowl , " it sounded like he said , " boat . " So now we call it his " boat . " Oh , dear . We gave him his boat to use instead . Bless his heart . Faith - the - girlfriend was wiping his mouth and Logan was just staring at Clark with big , wide eyes . Marley ( Holly 's halfadog ) was so terrified over the situation , he ran and hid . I didn 't think he would be this pitiful or feel this bad , but I think he turned a corner at around 8 : 30 tonight . I woke him up to give him his meds , and he asked for the rest of the milkshake his sister brought him . And then he ate the chicken ' n ' dumplin 's that I made especially for him . . . and he drank lots of water . And then he changed out his own gauze . I am thankful for my family . Joshua has been praying for Clark . Logan did laundry while the rest of us were at the surgery center . Holly took Joshua to get a hair - cut . . . and then when we came home with Clark , has taken good care of him . This is the same girl who was so squeamish and nearly fainted at the sight of blood , fluids , syringes or anything even remotely related to anything medical for the first 20 something years of her life . . . and here she was with her drooling and bleeding brother , telling me to go on out and she would clean up everything . I got up early this morning . Holly and I took Joshua to Little Rock to meet up with his group . We did a little shopping , and then met up with Jim and the rest of the family . . . and Jim 's parents . . . for lunch before the program . Joshua 's group was doing a " dress rehearsal " type of performance right after lunch . We invited Jim 's parents to come to that . It 's just better when they don 't have to drive at night . Both times , the friends did a GREAT job ! There was quite a bit of nervousness with all of them before the evening performance . Joshua said that he had everyone hold hands while he led a prayer before they started . . . and he said it helped calm everyone down . Joshua started off the program by reading the true Christmas story from Luke 2 . He did a great job . . . he was loud enough and used some animation in his voice . I was very proud of him . Two of the friends then did some narrating of Charles Dickens ' A Christmas Carol . Of course , they had to shorten it quite a bit . Joshua played Bob Crachit . Jenni played his wife . OH HOW CONVENIENT . How else could they get to hug in front of everyone . I mean , it would be totally expected and acceptable for them to show affection if they were playing actors who were married , right ? That was their thought process , anyway ! I continue to be impressed with this group of friends . . . all different levels of physical and mental abilities . . . but they all worked together , using their strengths for a common goal . One minute , a friend would be telling another friend in no uncertain terms what he / she was supposed to be doing . The next minute , one friend would take the hand of another one . . . to calm their nerves , or to lead them where they were supposed to go . . . or to steady a friend who just needed a little extra help for balance . There were two narrators : one had periods where she was totally overwhelmed and someone else had to take over ; the other one is in a wheelchair . . . the lower half of her body doesn 't work . They both read very well . Two other friends recited " The Night Before Christmas " poem , and one friend read the story of the candy cane . There was enthusiastic singing and dancing . My man - child . . . he has moves that would make Elvis blush ! I 'm not even kidding . I don 't know where he learned them , but he put on quite a show during the songs . They all did . The Grinch showed up at the end of the program , and , like last year , stole the entire show ! She was awesome ! You just have to know this girl . She is typically one of the more quiet friends in this group . . . not usually involved in any of the drama . . . AND THERE IS ALWAYS SOME DRAMA . To see her get so into this performance was just hysterical . Not only was she very angry acting and dramatic as she stomped around on stage , and " stole " the presents and decorations . . . she also used this maniacal laugh . She would periodically throw her head back and go , " MWAHAHAHAHAHA . " HI - LARRY - US . Just sayin ' . I didn 't know if this year could possibly measure up to the Christmas program from last year , but it did ! It was such a sweet and precious time . I am so thankful for people who can see past a person 's physical or mental abilities . . . who can see inside their hearts and work to bring out their best . That 's what the workers of this program do each and every day . I had already shopped and it took me 20 minutes , not 40 . Come ON , people . Even when I have a large list , I am like a Navy Seal going thru that store . I know where everything is . Do not get in my way . So , about an hour after we got home , I went back to pick up the meds . THEY WERE NOT READY . In fact , the little guy couldn 't find them at first , and then said , " he 's not in the system , " talking about Clark . I said , " well , he may not be in the system , but I DID drop off the Rx over an hour ago . " After a few minutes , he came back and said that they found the prescriptions , and that they would be ready in 20 minutes . ARGH . So , I said I would wait . On the way home , the sky was so pretty . It was streaked with pink and blue . I made a conscious effort to look at it and take it in . . . the sky , the field , the trees . I don 't want to rush through these days . A couple of years ago , I was asked to write about a special Christmas memory , and this is one of the stories that came to my mind . . . I remember a Christmas in Virginia . I was 7 years old . My Dad was in the Air Force , and by the age of 7 . . . I think I had already moved 5 times . When we got the news that my Dad would be going to Vietnam for a year , my parents had to make a decision to either stay where we were , or move somewhere closer to " family . " Even though we hadn 't been in our current location very long , my Mom said we had become involved in school and church activities . We were getting settled in , making friends . My parents met in high school in Charlottesville , Virginia . My Dad had gone to the University of Virginia . They had a lot of friends there , as well as most of my Mom 's family . Everyone begged my Mom , " move home , so we can take care of you and the kids while Skip is gone . " At the time , my parents had 3 young children . My Dad thought it would be good for my Mom to have a strong support system while he was gone , so after much thought and prayer , they packed us all up and we moved back " home . " To Virginia . My parents found a little house to rent that was right across the street from the elementary school I would attend . And then my Dad left , and my Mom was home alone with 3 kids for a year . Of the family and friends who begged my Mom to move home . . . not one person ever came by . Ever . NOT . ONE . TIME . Oh , they called her or visited with her when they saw her at church or school activities , but that was it . My memory of Christmas that year was of my Mom taking us to get our Christmas tree . She somehow got the tree . . . and all 3 of us . . . home in one piece in the stay - wag . The tree was magnificent . And huge . That whole " go big or go home " was my Mom 's motto way before it became well - known in the sports realm . In fact , the tree was so big that the trunk wouldn 't fit into the tree stand no matter how hard my Mom tried . She was doing her best to whittle away at the trunk of the tree with a STEAK KNIFE FROM THE KITCHEN , Posted by Just last Monday , he rolled our recycling bin to the curb before he went to work . For whatever reason , it was still there when he came home . FULL . Everyone else in our neighborhood . . . for as far as you could see on either side of us . . . put their recycling cans back in their garages on Monday night , after it became apparent that the truck was not going to run . Not us . The cheese stands alone . We 've had that thing sitting at the end of our driveway . . . dodging it with our vehicles . . . for 7 days . I love this quality about Jim . He doesn 't mind doing the hard work , figuring things out , holding others accountable . It can be frustrating at times ( for me ) , but he definitely balances me . We have been fighting with our insurance company for over a year . . . over a roof we had to replace at our old house before we moved . We actually have two insurance companies fighting about it . We never went without coverage and our premiums were always paid , and paid on time . Both say there is hail damage but both say it 's the other one 's responsibility to reimburse us . We ended up paying for the entire thing , because the sale of our home was contingent on the new roof . We want our money back . . . I mean , that 's why you have insurance in the first place , am I right ? Well , Jim has talked to people and followed all of the appropriate steps . They recommended that he file a complaint with the insurance commission in our state , and he did . He 's done everything they 've asked him to do . On Wednesday , he goes to a mediation hearing . It 's the last step before legal action , and I 'm telling you . . . Jim is not above hiring a lawyer if that 's what it takes . We 've never done anything like this before , but we 're talking about a lot of money . Jim is like a dog with a bone . I 'm really proud of him . I would 've given up a long time ago , because they have certainly made things difficult . I think that 's what some big companies hope . . . that they will make everything so hard and ask you to jump through so many hoops . . . most people would get frustrated and give up and move on . I hope our kids will develop this quality in their lives . It 's hard , and I haven 't been very good at it myself . . . except when it has involved them or their care . But in this life , there are many things we need to figure out and have to WORK AT to figure out . . . and there are some things that are worth fighting for . I 'm just glad the recycling can is back in the garage . I just knew one of us was going to back into it and knock everything out into the street . And on trash day , we had the recycling can on one side of the driveway , and the trash can on the other side . It was , like , thread the needle . I don 't really know what I expected . We have a great church and a wonderful music minister . You can tell the thought and prayer he puts into the music every Sunday because of how everything flows . And he uses different people in the praise team each week . I like that . Jim and I have seen some awesome Christmas programs in our married years . I LOVE going to them . It 's one of my most favorite things to do during the Christmas season . In fact , I told Jim this morning that if we went to our early service . . . and then went to hear another church 's Christmas program during the 11 o ' clock time - slot . . . I 'd be down with that . I sang in the choir and loved every minute of climbing up into that huge metal frame . Even Jim got involved in it . . . they asked him to be a centurion or something . He had to wear a little white " dress " and Jesus sandals . After I had Joshua , I didn 't sing in the Living Christmas Tree anymore . Instead , I helped behind the scenes with hospitality . . . feeding the choir , cast and production members before / between the performances . I LOVED that , too . The Christmas program there was an event . . . not gonna lie . It took a lot of time AND money . It lasted several days . I felt like it was God - honoring in every way . Eventually , they stopped doing it . I don 't remember why . We had already moved away by that point . There was no " set . " Just choir members dressed in red and black clothing of their own choosing . Not that there 's anything wrong with that . I was just trying to figure out the " theme " of the musical . They started off singing a Christmas carol that we all know , and they invited us to sing along . During the 2nd song , I noticed people turning around to look toward the back of the sanctuary . Two teen - aged boys were walking down the aisle . They were angels . No , really . They were wearing white shirts and white jeans . They were also wearing white , feathery wings reminiscent of Victoria Secret ads . One boy was wearing a black belt with his white pants . He looked uncomfortable . The other boy was the opposite of uncomfortable . He was enthusiastically doing all the arm motions as the choir sang , and seemed to be embracing his role as an angel . Black - belt angel stood there stoically , arms crossed , almost daring anyone to , as the song the choir was singing said , " come and worship , come and worship . . . worship Christ the newborn King . " But the best part came at the end . I can 't even remember now what song they were singing , but they ended up having alllll of the actors come up one - by - one or in their groups . . . and they also added a group of little kids who helped sing at the end of the song . So the angels , shepherds , Mary , Joseph and the plastic Baby Jesus , and the testimony family and the little kids . . . everyone else who had a part . . . all up on the stage . It was really crowded with people by the end of the song . But anyway ( that 's not even the point of this whole thing ) . . . when they were on about the 2nd verse of this song , one of the angels went rogue . He started dancing and clapping . I mean , ENTHUSIASTICALLY dancing and clapping . The only thing I can really think to compare it to was that scene in the first Sister Act when Whoopie Goldberg , as Sister Mary Clarence , directs the choir as they sing " Oh Maria . " Like the last half of the song when she 's got her arms waving and she does a spin . The first clue that the rogue angel 's act wasn 't planned was the look on black - belt angel 's face . It was priceless . Totally worth the price of admission . It 's like he saw the movement out of his peripheral vision . . . and then looked . . . and then could . not . believe . it . Logan said that he must be the " fallen " angel . And we all got tickled . We were all sitting on the same row . You know , you kind of expect kids to act up in church programs . Little kids , not teenagers ! Wait . What ? I must be getting rusty , because I have 3 boys ! I expect the unexpected at all times ! I think that sometimes we can miss the true meaning of Christmas in the " big - ness " of our productions . It doesn 't have to be that way . . . but sometimes it is . What I appreciated about this morning was how so many different groups in our church were included in the program . . . choir , musicians , drama team , sign - language team , children . And I appreciated how simple it was . . . not a lot of bells and whistles . . . because that 's really how it is , the simple message of Christ : We 've had a quiet Saturday . I have loved being at home with my family . . . having our college boy home . Such a great day with all 4 of our kids and our son - in - law . These are perfect days for me . I remember being pregnant with her . After Joshua 's birth surprised us all ( the fact that he had Down Syndrome ) , my doctor monitored me carefully . I had requested not to have any prenatal testing beyond the simple blood tests . But I had several ultrasounds . . . measuring and looking . Down Syndrome is kind of hard to find on a typical , normal ultrasound . But , at one of our appointments , we did find out we were having a GIRL ! We could not believe it ! I thought for sure I would have all boys . Jim 's family has boys . His grandfather had two sons . Between them , they had 5 sons . NO GIRLS . In fact , the youngest girl in that family was over 80 years old . Eeek ! As Joshua would say , " she was ODE . " We scheduled a C - section for December 16 . . . two weeks before her due date of Christmas . It was a Friday . Actually , Jim said she could come anytime in December . Anytime but the 13th . He had big , big meetings that day with the big , big bosses of his company . Any other day would be fine . When I started having contractions , I thought it was false labor . When I got to the hospital in full - blown labor in the middle of the night , I had to laugh . And when she was born early that morning , I could almost hear GOD laugh . It was December 13 . And Jim did have meetings all day , but was in and out at the hospital . My friend , Sherri stayed in the room with me all day . She was such a sweetheart to do that . . . and she got to hold Holly before anyone else in our family , or any of our other friends . And she got to hold her most of the day . Good practice for her , because 6 months later , she welcomed her own baby girl . Wow , how the time has flown . I love that God gave us a girl . Especially now that she 's married and has a life of her own , I am loving that Jim and I can be a part of it . It 's something I didn 't really have with my own Mom , because she lived in another state . And now that she 's in Heaven . . . well , there 's just a lot I missed , and there 's a lot I miss . So , I was trying to think of the perfect gift . 25 years is pretty special . I thought of jewelry . . . I mean , can 't go wrong there , am I right ? But then I figured out the perfect thing for her . She wanted a Kitchen - Aid Mixer when she got married 2 years ago , but she didn 't get one . I knew it would be something she would LOVE . . . and I thought that it would be something she would always remember she got on her 25th birthday . I couldn 't decide on a color . I went back and forth . I thought I would get red . She loves red . They were out of red . At Christmastime . Whaaaaat ? They had a turquoise - y blue color . I knew she would like that . And the yellow . . . well , it 's about her favorite color . But Morgan got a yellow one , so Holly might want to get a different color . The coral color . . . I know she likes that . Her watchband is coral . . . and her stethoscope is coral . Someone at her nursing school asked her if she planned to match her watchband and stethoscope . She said , " no . . . it 's just coincidence . " In the end , I bought her one in a color called " icy glaze . " It 's a light mint - ish blue - ish green - ish . I knew she 'd love it . I just don 't know if you want to get a " fun " color , or if you want to get a mixer that is the color of everything in your kitchen . If I had done that , my mixer would 've been an earth - tone color , because that was what everyone did back in my day . Now ? YUCK . The young guy that was helping me was so nice . He was really friendly and accommodating . He even checked for a red one " in the back " with the new freight , but couldn 't find one . He told me that Holly could exchange her mixer for a different color if she wanted to . As I was paying , he asked me if I had a mixer like that . I said that I did not . . . that I had been married 33 years and had made it just fine with a hand - mixer ( or three ) . He asked if this new mixer was a Christmas gift for someone . I told him it was my daughter 's birthday , and that I wanted to get her something she would remember getting when she turned 25 . He looked up at me and very quietly said , " wow . She must really be special . No one has ever spent this much money on me in my entire life . " Not gonna lie . . . I had to fight back the tears . I was so thankful for my daughter , and even though I was thrilled to buy this gift for her , it in no way measured my love for her . I loved her the same amount before and after I bought her the present . I told Jim the other day that I realize where they coined the term " middle aged . " I said it was because even though people aren 't quite done raising their kids , they start having issues with or caring for their parents at the same time . They 're in the middle . To which Jim , ever the ray of sunshine , said , " I hate to tell you , but we passed middle age a lonnnng time ago . . . unless you think we 're gonna live til we 're 100 . " But I 'm not even kidding . Every morning when I wake up , I pick up my phone to check the time . And every morning , there is message after message from people with prayer requests and needs . I can feel my heart drop before I even start reading them . Most of them are from people I know in my real life . But now that I 've started blogging , there is this whole other world out there with people I 've never met . People who share their hearts with complete strangers . There are a lot of problems with social media . . it 's over - use and potential abuse . . . but to me , it is like one big prayer chain . Fifteen years ago , when Clark was sick with his cancer , social media was not as big as it is now . Email was the big thing . I remember friends telling me that they sent our prayer request for Clark out in an email to their family and friends . . . and some of them passed it on . . . and some of THEM passed it on . And , as Joshua would say , " and so on and so FOR . " " They " say there is 6 degrees of separation between any given person and any other given person . My husband likes to say that , in Arkansas , it 's about 2 degrees . I remember people telling me that Clark was on the prayer list at their parent 's church . . . or their cousin 's church . . . or at their best friend 's sister 's baby - sitter 's mother 's Bible Study . Friends would tell me that people in Europe . . . or Japan . . . were praying for Clark . SO cool ! The elderly man who lived across our street said he couldn 't remember Clark 's name , but when he prayed , he asked God to heal and protect " the little blond - haired boy from across the street . . . GOD knows , " he would tell me . And one man stopped my father - in - law at the gas station and told him he was praying for his grandson . But now I am able to get prayer requests from people I don 't even know . That 's part of what I love about the body of Christ . We don 't have to know someone or their situation personally in order to pray for them . And so many have prayed for our family . . . it 's a blessing and a privilege to pray for others . So , my best friend 's mom has just been diagnosed with colon cancer . . . she 's in the hospital . Another friend 's mom had a stroke this week . Another friend 's mom fell and is having surgery right now . Several friends have asked for prayer for their children . And the list goes on and on . Tonight , my heart is heavy for this sweet lady . I don 't know her , but found her blog about a year ago via a prayer request . Would you pray for her and her family ? And their son , " Tiny Tim ? " That part is being played by one of the female friends who would make two of Joshua . Joshua watched the movie where Tiny Tim rides around on his Dad 's ( Bob Cratchit ) shoulders . Joshua said , " uhh . . . NOT gonna happen . " I just can 't tell you how much I am looking forward to this program . Last year 's was . . . well , exceptional . And I 'm not making fun . . . it was seriously hilarious . You just have to know the friends . That 's what made it so funny . The Director , Mrs . Sherrie , let the friends write it themselves , so while it was supposed to be along the lines of " The Gift of the Magi , " Joshua started off the program by reading the true Christmas story from Luke 2 , and it was really sweet . But then somewhere in the middle of one of the scenes in " The Gift of the Magi , " the Grinch stomped on stage and took all the presents and everything else that was on the stage . I spent the day with Holly . We went to a pre - birthday lunch and then did some shopping . Her birthday is this week , and they are going to be out - of - town . I wanted to take advantage of this day to hang out with her . Tonight , Jim grilled steaks and Holly and Aaron came over and ate with us . We had baked potatoes . . . I made a sweet potato for Jim . . . steamed broccoli , spinach salad and rolls . Everything was really good . I did not make a dessert . I figure we will do a cake or something this weekend . Secondly . . . turn it into muscle ? I 'm sure he would 've flexed his muscles at the table , but he would 've had to put down his fork . He was CHOWING DOWN on his steak . I thought I was a really responsible mother . I never left my children unattended . I kept them buckled up , strapped in . . . held their hands when they crossed the street . I kept the medicines put up in a high cabinet , and I had protective devices on all of the cabinet and drawers . I was diligent . . . watchful . I was in a hurry that day . . . but even at that , I knew not to ever leave children in the car . And isn 't it like us to think that we know better than what everyone says . . . because it won 't happen to us , right ? I was just going to jump out " real quick " and run in . . . and put the movie in the little slot . I mean , by the time I got the kids unbuckled , I could be done . . . so it was really going to be a waste of time to get them out , haul them in with me . In the short time it had taken me to jump out and run into the movie store , Joshua had somehow slithered out of his car - seat and had gotten in my seat . At the time , I drove an ISUZU Trooper that was standard shift . Joshua had accidentally ( or on purpose . . . who even knows ? ) knocked the gear into neutral . Since I had parked on an incline , the truck was rolling backwards . Joshua was standing up in the drivers seat , both hands clasped tightly on the steering wheel . . . BIG , HUGE GRIN on his face . Holly was strapped in her car - seat in the back - seat . She was sucking on her pacifier , staring at me . I could see her clearly because she was in the middle of the back - seat . I guess I should 've known . Joshua was a little wild man , a Houdini . I needed extra eyes , hands and feet to keep up with him ! I got pretty good at reading him . . . assessing the situation when we were out . . . predicting and preventing some of his behavior . But it took time to hone that skill , and I 'm only one woman . I can 't do it all . . . and this was when Joshua was really young . I got lost in those almond - shaped eyes and all common sense and reason just fell out of my head . I was able to run out and stop the vehicle . I 'm sure everyone in the movie store got a good laugh out of it . I learned my lesson and never , ever , EVER left my kids in the car again , even for even the quickest of errands . It was already half - way painted . . . BLUE . Which was supposed to be green . . . which is the color I wanted , and the color it showed on the little sample card . But it was definitely BLUE after I got it on the walls . So , I left it that way . . . half blue , half the gold - y color that was on there to begin with . I just wasn 't motivated to finish the job when I wasn 't thrilled with the color . I finally went back to the paint store a couple of weeks ago and talked to one of the technicians there and explained what I wanted . I took home 2 samples , and painted swatches of each color on several walls . I still wasn 't feeling too confident , since the LAST green color I chose turned out to be blue . . . but I finally bit the bullet last week and ordered 2 gallons of one of the green colors . I just knew Jim wasn 't happy with the blue . . . he loves green . . . and I figured , hey , it couldn 't be worse . Annnnnnnd . . . I 'm now half - way done . Again . Maybe I can finish most of the first coat tomorrow while Joshua is with his group . I 'm excited to get it done now ! Clark had an appointment this afternoon with the doctor who will be taking out his wisdom teeth over the Christmas break . I was kind of nervous about driving in by myself because of the road conditions , but Jim surprised me by saying he was going to take a half - day of vacation , and we could all go . . . and then go out to dinner after the appointment ! Winner , winner , chicken dinner ! And this whole wisdom tooth thing . . . it could be bad . . . REAL bad . I don 't know . I had mine out with NO problems . Holly had hers out . . . by the same oral surgeon . . . NO problems . But Clark ? I can just tell how he 's gonna be . . . and I hope I 'm wrong . He was taking everything in . . . like all the side - effects , all the bad things that could happen : dry socket , infection , allergic reactions . . . DEATH . I 'm pretty sure he will have several unusual things happen to him and several others that he will imagine in his head . When Joshua was little and he was cold , he would say , " I be freeze . " Isn 't that the cutest thing ever ? So , of course , that is what we started saying and still say even now when we are cold . . . " I be freeze . " I 'm not really cold . We have power and it 's toasty warm in our home . I was outside shoveling a path from our garage to one of the vehicles . . . and I guess I got cold down to my bones . Can 't get warm now . We 've had a good day . We did not go to church , altho they had one service this morning . We have basically been holed up here all day . And just got word that schools are closed again tomorrow . I think that 's the right call , but I sure don 't like making up the snow days later . One of my children , who shall remain nameless , but his name rhymes with " Park , " may or may not be being a crab because he doesn 't like being " stuck in the house . " Never mind the fact that he has been at his girlfriend 's house most of the day . . . which I made the mistake of telling him after he made his " stuck in the house " remark . He looked at me and said , " I mean , have you ever heard of cabin fever ? " Because what I wanted to say was , " have you ever heard of childbirth ? Or being " stuck " for days on end in a hospital room with a child when you don 't know if they will live or die ? Yeah . Or four children under the age of 10 at the grocery store . . . or , better yet , " stuck " in a car for 16 hours so we can take y ' all to flippin ' Disney World ? " I don 't usually get cabin fever . I don 't know if God just made me that way , or if I 've learned because of my circumstances ( with Joshua ) that I can 't always get out and go and do like other people . . . but I 'm pretty content at home if we have power . And food . I can tell exactly what he 's doing . I hear him in the pantry getting cereal . I hear him get out a bowl and spoon . I hear him rattle his bottles of vitamins and fish oil and whatever else it is that he takes . He drinks Metamucil mixed with a small amount of orange juice . His doctor says it 's good for him . It 's thick and I hear him say , " UGH " every morning as he swallows it , and then clanks his glass down on the ceramic counter - top . I hear him go out front and get the newspaper . I hear him turn on the tv . I hear him go into the garage to get dog food . If the cat is in there , she runs into the house . I hear him say , " Kitty . . . get back here . " But these last two mornings . . . they are ice - storm mornings . They are different . We get to sleep in because everything in town is canceled . . . work , school , church . Roads are closed . Shops are closed . If you have power , and we do , it 's a nice and cozy day at home . My husband . . . he got up early and left early the past two mornings . I usually walk him out . He will say , " don 't get up . " I get up anyway . Usually . This morning , I did not . I kinda heard him moving around , but I didn 't fully wake up when he left . He called me later on . He said he couldn 't get out of our neighborhood the usual way . He tried twice and kept sliding . He finally turned around and went the back way to the main road . I made blueberry muffins this morning . I promised Joshua last night that I would . I said , " if we still have power in the morning , I will make blueberry muffins for breakfast . " I heard Joshua come downstairs pretty early . The boy does NOT sleep late . I imagined him looking around and sniffing . Seeing no muffins and no MOM . . . he went back upstairs . Croc . . . croc . . . croc . I smiled as I got up out of bed . The other day , Jim asked me if we had a certain item in our pantry . I can 't remember now what it was . I told him I didn 't know . One of the kids said , " why are you asking Mom ? " Jim said , " well , because she runs our home . " And the kids fell out laughing . . . because they all know Dad is DAD . But , I know what he means . I try to keep things going around here , so that Jim doesn 't have to worry about us while he 's at work . Especially on an ice - storm day . I 'm no housekeeper , not by a long - shot , but I like for it to be homey in here . . . for it to feel cozy and smell good , like something is baking . I 've always wanted our home to be a safe and welcoming place . That when our kids come home from a rough day at school or work or practice , or Jim comes in from work . . . they can shut the door and walk inside and feel those burdens lift from their shoulders . Even if for a little while . When Jim came in last night , the house was clean . It 's decorated for Christmas with trees and lots of little twinkling lights . He hadn 't had dinner , and I sat at the table with him as he ate . It 's stressful days during ice - storms . The longer people go without power , the more irate they get . . . the more dangerous it gets for utility workers . Last year , they had security at his office because there had been threats . It 's not the first time . Restoration is never fast enough for anyone , and people are cold and hungry . But this night ? There was home . And chili , and crackers that had been warmed in the oven . . . and chocolate pie . He got a call from a guy at work . That guy always has a story to tell . You never know what he is going to say . Tonight it was something funny , and , as tired as Jim was , and as frustrating as his day had been , he threw back his head and laughed and laughed , just listening to his friend . We are all home . Well , Jim is at work , of course , but Joshua is here and Clark is out of school today . Holly and Aaron are at their house . Logan and Morgan are at their college , even tho it closed today because of the weather . And Logan was supposed to have two FINALS today . Urgh . The finals have been rescheduled for next WEDNESDAY . . . so instead of coming home this weekend , he won 't be able to come home until some time late next week . Which , I mean , they couldn 't really GET home anyway , what with the weather and the roads . Thankfully , they are safe . Logan lives in a house with another guy . . . Morgan lives in the dorm . I sure hope they don 't lose power . We didn 't get snow here . . . we got sleet . The schools are canceled today , but it 's not like we got this awesome snow to play in . Still , some of the kids in our neighborhood were out on a sled in the street . Which , oh to be young again . . . I about brained myself just walking out to get the mail . What I have done . . . folded LAUNDRY . Everything was already clean . . . sheets and towels and clothes . I always get all that stuff done before a storm . But I 've been running around this week and haven 't had time to fold all of it . It 's all piled up on Logan 's empty bed . I 've about got it all done ! Let 's see , what else . Oh , I talked to my Dad . He and Clara live in the Tulsa area . They have power and are doing okay . My Dad is not a fan of cold weather . He is so funny . When he answered the phone , he said , " hey . . . wanna go to the mall ? " And then he laughed and laughed . He thought that was so funny . Have we had a small earthquake or something around here ? I didn 't feel it , but I would feel BETTER if we had . Because thinking an earthquake knocked down some boxes is a lot better than thinking anything else knocked them down . Our house feels so cozy today , but we miss Jim being here . As great as we have it right now . . . we still have power . . . I am mindful that someone 's best snow day is someone else 's hardest work day . Police , firefighters , medical personnel , utility workers . . . we expect them to be there when we need them no matter what . As a matter of fact , my best friend , Stacy . . . her mom had an unplanned but necessary surgery this morning . I am very thankful for the surgeons and medical staff who came in to work today . . . in spite of the weather . Sure wish Jim was home safe and sound . He is in LR with a bunch of the other managers from his work , getting things ready and staged . . . and doing a lot of answering questions and waiting . You can be as prepared as possible , but you can 't prevent weather . . . and you can 't fix what it messes up until after it happens . People are gonna lose power . . . it 's already happening in some parts of our state . I spent part of the day in LR with Holly . We dropped Joshua off with his group for a few hours . It 's the last day of their fitness class of this year , and he didn 't want to miss it . PLUS , his group was going to Panera Bread for lunch , and , not gonna lie . . . there hasn 't been a storm , disaster or weather warning yet that will make any of the friends want to miss an outing to a restaurant . Holly had a hair appointment , so I went with her . She got a bunch of hair cut off . . . 5 - 6 inches , probably . And her hair is STILL longer than mine . I was fit - to - be - tied about the weather , like , the whole time we were there . Can 't help it . I didn 't really think it was the smartest idea ever to go into LR on a day when freezing rain had been predicted anyway . . . I just didn 't want Holly to go by herself . I spent nearly the whole time at the salon checking the radar . Holly said I was about out of control . . . that I may or may not have been a little rude . . . and loud . She said I was loud . She basically said I get all out - of - sorts like the people in the Snickers commercials who are " just not themselves " until they have a Snicker bar . . . and she gave everyone an " Exhibit A " example from yesterday when the crowds and shopping at Target were about to PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE . She left me in the line to pay and she walked over to the Starbuck 's that 's in the Target store to get coffee and a treat . . . and then basically fed me pieces of lemon pound cake while I drove home . She said I was back to my happy self in 10 minutes . Holly offered to drive home . . . which I appreciated because she is a good driver . . . but just the thought of being a passenger in my own car on potentially wet or icy roads would be enough to turn me into one of those Garfield car window things with the suction cups on the paws . I would be stuck on the window and trying to get out ! I said the only way I was letting her drive was 1 ) if I was dead , or 2 ) if I was dying , or 3 ) completely knocked out . But we made it to Panera Bread and picked up Joshua . Holly got a to - go order of soup and half of a sandwich and we took off . I gobbled down half of her half - a - sandwich and immediately felt better . And , 35 minutes later , we pulled into our town , and the freezing rain hadn 't started yet ( thankfully ) . I was feeling MUCH better , so we did what other normal people would do in a similar situation : we went to Hobby Lobby . I 've got groceries . . . most of them . I think there 's a couple of things I could run by and get . . . just to have . I mean , I pretty much have a menu of things I can make for the next several days . . . chili , soup , chicken and dumplins . . . and no one wants to buy too much . If you lose power and it 's days before it 's fixed , you could lose a lot of that food . Because as cold as it could be in your house , it 's probably not gonna be cold enough to keep meat completely frozen . . . or milk completely cold . . . or ice - cream from melting . And , it 's when we have weather like this that I like to tell people my # 1 tip for if / when the power goes out . . . well , the first thing I do BEFORE the power goes out . . . BEFORE the bad weather . . . is to get all the laundry caught up . I 'm talking TOWELS AND SHEETS . . . because you never know who might be at your house . You might have family or friends who need a warm place to stay , and you for sure want to have clean sheets and towels , am I right ? I 've written about my family . . . about how my parents were raised , and how they raised us . I feel like I am far removed from both ways . I 'm not nearly as reserved as my Dad 's side . . . but I 'm also not as open as my Mom 's side . And Jim 's mom and dad were raised differently as well , but family is important to all of us . We don 't get to pick our families . We know that . And sometimes in some families things are hard . . . even unbearable . It makes my heart hurt to hear of these situations . I think you really see it after you have kids of your own . You think about how you were raised and how you want things to be different . Or that you want things to be the same . And you hear about your friends ' parents taking their entire families to Disney World or on a ski trip . . . and how their holidays are right out of a Hallmark commercial , complete with hot chocolate and football in the backyard and everyone smiling at dinner . . . and MAN , you wish YOUR family did things like that . Or maybe your friends have parents who keep their kids on a regular basis . Or occasionally so you can have a date night , or go on a weekend trip . And yours don 't . . . or won 't . . . or can 't . . . or they live too far away . But , you know , some people are selfish . . . . they were that way as kids , they were that way as parents . . . don 't expect things to be different when they have grandchildren . Maybe they don 't think they are being selfish at all . Maybe they may feel like they 've worked hard and now is their " me " time . They love their family in their own way , and will fit you in when they can . . . and they are fine with that . They would be hurt if they knew how you really felt . Maybe it 's the way their family does things . Maybe it 's the only way they know . But I think that people can only do what they can do . . . what they WANT to do . And fretting and stewing over it and wishing things were different . . . is only going to hurt YOU . You can 't make people be a certain way , any more than they could change YOU if they wanted to . It 's just not going to happen . Now , YOU can change YOU . . . with God 's help . But even that won 't change your past . . . I wish I had been a better daughter , sister and friend . . . but it can change your future . HE can change your future . There may always be things that bug you about your family , or certain family members . . . or maybe you are one of those where everything is perfect ! Or maybe you are one of those where family equals all manner of horror . I don 't think you owe anyone " family time " in those types of situations . Our number one priority as parents is to protect our children from harm , in as much as it depends on us . . . and so if there is a history of any type of abuse , I say , " run Forrest run . " These friends are frustrated with the level of support they get from their parents . . . especially when it comes to them as grandparents . I just suggested that they are going to have to accept that it is what it is . No more , no less . And for the most part , they have . They have ( wisely ) made a genuine effort to find friends of different ages to be their " family . " They have several couples who are older . . . who can be sources of wisdom and encouragement in their lives when they aren 't getting that from their own families . My best friend , Stacy , gave me a sign that I have in my kitchen . It says , " friends are the family we choose for ourselves . " I have a good family that I love , but they all live far away . . . so our friends have stepped in and stood in the gap for us many , many times . . . like family . So Friday was the big day . The day we had waited for all season . Clark 's football team had made it to the 3rd round of play - offs and we were headed up to NWA ( northwest Arkansas ) for the game . Jim had to work a few hours that morning , but Clark had to be at the field - house by 9 : 30 for the team breakfast . . . and a movie . . . and all the gettin ' ready stuff that boys and teams do before a big game . They were going to leave at 12 : 30 , but the families were invited to come up at 12 : 15 and line the streets around the school . . . so Jim and I headed up there . I was thankful to see so many come out and support our boys . Jim , Joshua and I left town around 3 . We picked up Clark 's friend , Faith , on the way up the road a bit . We stopped to eat before we got to the game . At the restaurant , there was a little , old couple . They had already caught my attention because of how they were dressed . Not judging . . . it was just pretty pitiful . Actually , the woman looked okay . The man ? Not so much . I watched them for a while and breathed a little prayer for them . . . mindful of my many blessings and of that old saying , " there but for the grace of God go I . " Or something like that . I was trying hard not to make up a story about them in my head like Jim 's mother does , but I couldn 't help but wonder what . . . why ? As they finished their meal , the woman sneezed several times as they cleared their trash off the table . She walked to the bathroom and the man waited for her at the table . Eeeek ! I told him real quick that there was no way I was going in there . I mean , I would rather " go " on the road beside the car than to set one foot into that bathroom . Really , our team played HARD . Our opponents were used to rolling over pretty much every other team . We were predicted to lose by 18 . We lost by a touchdown in the last quarter . We beat ourselves , but we also made them work for the win . I 've been up a while . I 've seen Jim off to work and Clark off to school . On the days Joshua and I don 't have to go into LR , I will come back to my room . . . to my bed . . . and post up with a cup of coffee , my Bible and my lap - top . I hear him in the kitchen . He 's trying hard to be quiet . Honestly , if I was asleep . . . he would not have woken me up . On Saturdays , when we make a big family breakfast , he will " croc " down the stairs half - way . . . just til he can bend his head down and peer into the living room / kitchen area . He just wants to survey the situation . If he sees me cooking , he goes back up . No sense coming all the way down . He 'll just check again later . But this morning , I hear him put his pop - tarts in the toaster . I struggle with whether to go in there with him or not . Most of the time , I do . . . sometimes , in the mornings . . . because I know his routine , I just let him be . I can hear him get his juice . He loves him some orange juice . I can hear him quietly pull the chair away from the table . I can picture him now . It 's the same every day . I 've already been up , so the blinds are open . He will sit at the table . . . he will not turn on the light . He thinks everyone should " learn to enjoy the sunlight . " He looks out the window while he eats . . . and he checks his phone for messages and updates . When he 's done , I hear him lift the lid on the trashcan . He rinses out his cup and puts it on the counter . He will use the same cup all day . He thinks it 's wasteful to do otherwise . I hear him on the carpet runner that 's in the hallway . I know he 's coming to check on me . The door is barely cracked . I can hear him breathing . His hand is on the door . . . opening it ever so slightly . And then I see his head . He peers in and smiles . . . " you up ? " He asks me how I slept . He always asks me how I slept . Sometimes he comes in and gives me a hug . Sometimes he eases out the same way he came in . Later , when I come into the living room . . . all of the " couch blankets " are folded neatly and piled on the couch . There are at least 3 of them . . . sometimes more . He stacks them up on the couch . He always folds them . I don 't ask him to . . . he just does . My family has been after me to start a blog because they say I have so many funny stories . Trouble is . . . now that I finally have a little time to actually record these memories , I can 't remember any of them ! This may be a blog about nothing , kinda like a Seinfeld episode ! I am very aware of God 's hand in my life , and I am thankful for His grace each day for the many times I mess up . I love spending time with my family and friends . I LOVE football ! I don 't really understand baseball all that much , but my brother and sisters love it , so I cheer on those Texas Rangers ! I 'm just a girl who came to a college in Arkansas many years ago . I didn 't know one single person in the entire state . I fell in love with a boy from the college across the Ravine , and we got married when we were way too young to know what in the world we were doing . If we had been able to see ahead to some of the bumps in the road God would allow in our lives , we would 've run screaming into the woods . We 've been married for a hundred years now , and God has blessed our family so much . After the birth of our first child , I had a " Jesus , Take the Wheel " moment . Turns out that philosophy works for every area of our lives . |
We try not to go overboard on Christmas gifts with our kids , but let 's be honest . . . it 's hard . Even tho we only buy 3 gifts for each of our kids , it can be expensive . Especially as the kids get older . Our kids know that we do a lot for them during the year , so it was pretty hard to get them to list a few items they would like for Christmas . Joshua wrote his list and it was so precious . He asked for sweat pants , socks , a planner , and a " wolf " calendar . The first 3 items I got at Wal - Mart in about 10 minutes . . . and I was able to find a calendar with a wolf on it at the mall . And I know that 's 4 items . . . but . . . COME ON . . . I try really hard to keep things kind of equal , but one of mine asked for a new phone " if his contract was up , " and for the price of that . . . to keep things equal . . . I could 've bought Joshua a case of socks and sweat pants . Just sayin ' . It is pretty easy to buy for Holly , since she 's a girly - girl and I shop with her a lot . I know her and I know her taste . . . most of the time . Holly has a December birthday , so I was able to buy her some things that were unique to her on her special day . But for Christmas , I decided to buy all the girls in our family the exact same things , or , close to it . I think it worked out well . Logan put three items on his list and helped me order them . Two of them came in time for Christmas . . . one of them has yet to arrive . But he 's okay with it . I also bought him a DVD from the $ 5 bin at Wal - Mart to put in his stocking , and he was really happy with that . The biggest surprise came from my husband . We do not exchange gifts with each other . It 's a tradition we started a LONG time ago . He just never could think of what to get me , and I could think of a 100 things to get him . . . and so he felt bad , I felt bad . . . . and we decided that we wouldn 't do it anymore . Early in our marriage , we would wait until after Christmas and then use any money we got for Christmas to get a joint gift . . . or to get things for ourselves during the after - Christmas sales . This year , my very frugal , very predictable husband did something very generous and very UNpredictable for our family . He called and asked Clark to clean out his truck and for us to meet him at a car dealership . . . so we went there . . . and in 30 minutes we were driving home in a new vehicle . Well , new to us . To say I was shocked was an understatement . My husband is the most thrifty man I have ever met . He is very thoughtful with our finances and does his best to save money and not make any unnecessary purchases . We have had a lot of unplanned things in our marriage . . . a child with life - long health and medical challenges , and another child who had health and medical issues for several years . . . that could 've drained us financially , but because of Jim 's saving and planning , we have been able to make it on one income all of these years . " But the gift is not like the trespass . For if by the one man 's trespass the many died , how much more have the grace of God and the gift overflowed to the many by the grace of the one man , Jesus Christ . " Romans 5 : 15 - 17 So , on Christmas morning , after the presents were unwrapped , Joshua stood up . And , side note : this has nothing to do with the story , I just want to remember what he was wearing : a white t - shirt , warm - up pants , his navy blue robe ( we call it his smoking jacket ! ) . . . and , on his feet , his ever present Crocs . In his hands , he held a stack of papers . . . notebook papers . The kind that you rip out of a spiral notebook . . . the kind that leaves the ripped edges . He slowly walked over to Logan and gave him one of the papers . He says it 's a " poem " for him . And then he gave him another paper . " For Morgan , " he says . Joshua loves to write . For the past year or so , he has been writing a story that he thinks would make a good movie . He likes to write songs / poems for people , and he always writes something for us on our birthdays . We aren 't surprised to get notes from him . They are always hand - written and very heart - felt . And they are usually always funny . . . not to Joshua , he is very sincere about them . It 's just that sometimes the words he uses aren 't in the proper context , and that makes it funny . Like the time he bought Jenni the birthday card with the giant dog on the front , and when you opened it the dog 's long tongue came down . Joshua wrote on the tongue , " Happy Birthday Jenni ! I want to lick you . " Now , Aaron was sitting there grinning , because he had been watching and had already realized that Joshua had forgotten to write him one . . . and it was FINE . Aaron has such a kind heart when it comes to Joshua . Anyway , Joshua looked kind of startled . . . I could tell he was a little upset , but he tried to cover by saying , " uhhh . . . Aaron . . . I just did it for the biological family . " And he did his little " air quotes " over the word , " family . " And , of course , they are all grinning and thinking it 's great fun . . . and I 'm watching Joshua to make sure he realized they were just playing with him . He does not typically " get " sarcasm and teasing . . . it just makes him mad . And those two rat - finks were cracking up and messing with him , and Aaron was saying , " that 's okay , Joshua , I know how you feel . . . you don 't have to write me anything . " It 's just pretty funny that he wrote one for Morgan . . . because OF COURSE HE DID . He adores Morgan , and kinda has a little not - creepy crush on her . I wouldn 't be surprised if her poem wasn 't the first one he wrote ! Later , we were cleaning everything up and something was said about Joshua . I said , " I bet he is upstairs writing a poem for Aaron . " Holly said , " I bet he isn 't . " Well , he came down a little later carrying a piece of that notebook paper . He had not written Aaron a poem . . . he had written him a letter . In it , he talked about how honored and thankful he is that Aaron married his sister , and how he doesn 't see Aaron just as a brother - in - law , but as a best friend . I made a breakfast casserole this morning , and I also made this cinnamon roll casserole thing that I saw on another blog . It . was . yummy . Jim fried ham that his mom had sent home with us . . . and I popped a few biscuits in the oven for those who just wanted to keep it simple . After I got all of that cleaned up , Holly and Aaron came over and we were ready to open the presents . The very first thing we do every year is read the passage from Luke 2 out - loud . The kids all take a section and it doesn 't matter what verses they read , but Joshua HAS to start . It just isn 't Christmas without hearing him say , " when Qwi - REAR - ius was governor of Sy - REAR - ia . . . " I think everyone liked their gifts . Some will have to be exchanged and some were duplicated . . . and we had two gifts that have yet to show up . . . but over - all , it was great ! And , now that they are older , I know that if there wasn 't one gift under our tree . . . just being together would be good enough for them . I have wrapped and wrapped and wrapped today . We typically get our kids about 3 presents each . We started this practice a long time ago when they were little . Jim said that if it was good enough for Jesus . . . it was good enough for us . And then there 's the " stocking stuffers " for 8 stockings ! I typically put things like body wash , toothpaste , perfume / cologne , gum , nail polish for the girls , etc in the stockings . For the past few years , I 've put Crest Whitestrips in them . My kids like using those , but they are so stinkin ' expensive . . . so it 's a treat for them . This year , they were ALL OUT of those at the store where I went , and I decided I wasn 't going all over the Creation just to get those . I also always get the boys a new pair of boxers . I try to get some really fun or crazy patterns for Christmas . This year , I didn 't do that , either . In fact , I am totally re - thinking everything that I 'm putting in their stockings . Now that I have a future daughter - in - law , and my other sons have girlfriends . . . if I give them soap or body wash . . . or toothpaste and shampoo . . . are they thinking that I think they are stinky ? I don 't ! They aren 't ! And if I give them Crest Whitestrips , will they think that I think they have yellow teeth ? I don 't ! They don 't ! Tonight , we had our Christmas Eve service at our church . It was a great time of worship with a children 's story , lots of singing , and the Lord 's supper . It was great to see all of the families there . . . little kids all the way up to great - grandparents . So blessed to be a part of a church family . Tonight , for the first time in . . . FOREVER . . . I have no presents to wrap ! I finished wrapping this afternoon , and so I might actually get to go to bed at a decent hour ! It 's a Christmas Eve miracle ! Clark is doing better . He slept well last night and slept LATE this morning . Bless his heart . . . he is so hungry . ALL . THE . TIME . He 's had so many smoothies and milkshakes . The boy wants some substance , but he has to be careful . Yesterday at our " Christmas meal " with Jim 's family . . . and against my advice . . . he decided to attempt eating a steak . He cut it up into tiny pieces , but no matter how much you cut up meat . . . it 's not a milkshake . He said that even tho it made his mouth bleed , it was still the best thing he had eaten since Thursday night . I know this time of year can be so hard for many people . You only have to be out in public a short time to see people rushing around , racing through parking lots , being rude . You can see the stress on their faces , the sadness in their eyes . " Bless us all , that as we live , we always comfort and forgive . We have so much that we can share with those in need we see around us everywhere . . . Bless us all with playful years , with noisy games and joyful tears . We reach for You , and we stand tall , and in our prayers and dreams we ask You , bless us all . " " I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace . You will have suffering in this world . Be courageous ! I have conquered the world . " John 16 : 33 Today was the " Garland Family Christmas " with my in - laws . I wasn 't sure Clark and I were going to get to go , but he woke up feeling okay and so off we went . He said he was wanting to get off the pain pills , so I gave him his dose at 10 before we left . . . and didn 't bring the next dose with me . Most of the family was already there when we arrived . There were about 18 of us all - together . . . from about age 78 down to age 4 . We had our " Christmas meal " of steak , baked potatoes , corn , salad and rolls . I wasn 't really hungry at the time . There 's not really a lot of room where we eat and so everyone was stepping over everyone else . . . it was kind of hectic . I got Joshua all situated with his food . . . everyone else took care of themselves . Now , " having Christmas " has a different meaning at my in - laws house . Typically , my mother - in - law gives us all a large gift bag full of stuff . I call it my SOS . . . " sack of . . . stuff . " Things I 've gotten in my SOS are : random , decorative thumbtacks , pens , hammers , screwdrivers , a " throw blanket , " devotion book , a net thing that you can put your PANTYHOSE in to wash them in the washing machine ( whaaaat ? 1978 called and wants your pantyhose back ! ) , an x - acto knife , a turban towel , a tape measure , a spatula , and salt and pepper shakers . My mother - in - law typically buys these things on her annual trip to Branson . She goes with 10 other " lady friends " and they frequent all kinds of off - brand " dollar store " type of stores . . . places you can 't ever find anywhere else if you wanted to take any of your gifts back . You can 't . Don 't even try . You just can 't . I already have approximately 11 " throw blankets " at my house . She says , " they are SO handy ! Like when you have company come over and they get a little chill . . . or if you go on a trip . . . you never know when you might need a little " throw blanket " in the car . . . they are so handy ! " . I can 't figure out why I didn 't get one . We have begged and begged my mother - in - law to just give us each a $ 10 gift card to WM . I would rather have that and buy something that I could use . She doesn 't understand that . She wants everyone to have something . . . ANYthing . . . to open . But this year , I got a gift - card ( YAY ) . . . and , just to keep it real . . . a set of 4 decorative cheese spreaders . I love my in - laws but they are about the most eccentric people I have ever met . There is a tall bar - counter that separates the kitchen from the dining area . My mother - in - law has added shelves on top of the counter . If you are standing in the dining area , you really can 't see into the kitchen . . . because of all the shelves and the stuff on the shelves . They are FULL of stuff . You can 't even imagine . But today , on top of the shelves . . . on top of the stuff . . . there were three empty milk jugs . One was sitting up straight , and the other two were on their sides . When we asked my father - in - law about it , he said the jugs were " bat alarms , " and that if a bat flew into the house , they would hit the empty milk jugs and knock them down . . . and that 's how we would know there are bats in the house . Clark was not feeling well after a couple of hours , so we came on home . It was great to see everyone , but it was also great to come home . I haven 't gotten a lot of sleep since I 've been sleeping in the living room with Clark , so I 'm pretty tired . I watched Clark sleep . I watched Clark eat . I watched Clark take his meds . I watched Clark walk to the bathroom . I watched Clark take a shower . Wait . NO , I most certainly did NOT do THAT . I did , however , listen the entire time he was in the shower . . . just in case he fainted or something . I 've been the cook today . . . made a grilled cheese at the crack of dawn , and cut it into tiny pieces , so that he would have food on his stomach when he took his meds . I made a milk - shake and a smoothie . I warmed up chicken ' n ' dumplin 's . If you 're a mom and you have older kids . . . you know that they don 't really NEED you for anything . I mean , they DO . . . they just don 't think that they do . At this stage , they like to think they are independent and self - sufficient , even tho they still like for you to do things like . . . THEIR LAUNDRY . . . and fix their meals and occasionally give them gas money and buy them clothes and treats . You 're just supposed to do it like a Seal Team 6 . . . quickly , quietly and never seen . He was so nervous and worried about it . Bless his heart . I was kinda dreading it , too , not gonna lie . Where most people might have a question or two for the doctor , Clark had ten . He started reading up on side - effects , drug reactions , and things like " dry socket . " I just knew that if anyone was going to have some kind of weird thing happen with this . . . it would be him . So Clark was really nervous , but ready . We all got to go back with him to a pre - waiting room area , but when it was time for his IV . . . they took him to surgery by himself . Hello , people . What are you thinking ? He 's just a baby ! Jim and I , Clark and Faith - the - girlfriend , joined hands to pray before he left . And I cried . And Clark walked out real fast . I mean , the last time we handed him off to a nurse was 15 years ago . He had just been diagnosed with cancer , and they were doing surgery to remove the malignant tumor . . . and part of his liver . I know this is not the same as that at ALL . . . but I couldn 't help but get a little emotional . When they told us he was ready to go home , we drove around to the surgery pick - up at the back and a big , male nurse walked him out . Clark was as pale as a sheet . Before he even got to the car , he threw up at least twice . I felt so bad for him . They gave him a little , plastic basin thing for the ride home . When Clark asked for it , we couldn 't really understand him because his mouth was all numb and full of gauze . . . so when he said , " bowl , " it sounded like he said , " boat . " So now we call it his " boat . " Oh , dear . We gave him his boat to use instead . Bless his heart . Faith - the - girlfriend was wiping his mouth and Logan was just staring at Clark with big , wide eyes . Marley ( Holly 's halfadog ) was so terrified over the situation , he ran and hid . I didn 't think he would be this pitiful or feel this bad , but I think he turned a corner at around 8 : 30 tonight . I woke him up to give him his meds , and he asked for the rest of the milkshake his sister brought him . And then he ate the chicken ' n ' dumplin 's that I made especially for him . . . and he drank lots of water . And then he changed out his own gauze . I am thankful for my family . Joshua has been praying for Clark . Logan did laundry while the rest of us were at the surgery center . Holly took Joshua to get a hair - cut . . . and then when we came home with Clark , has taken good care of him . This is the same girl who was so squeamish and nearly fainted at the sight of blood , fluids , syringes or anything even remotely related to anything medical for the first 20 something years of her life . . . and here she was with her drooling and bleeding brother , telling me to go on out and she would clean up everything . I got up early this morning . Holly and I took Joshua to Little Rock to meet up with his group . We did a little shopping , and then met up with Jim and the rest of the family . . . and Jim 's parents . . . for lunch before the program . Joshua 's group was doing a " dress rehearsal " type of performance right after lunch . We invited Jim 's parents to come to that . It 's just better when they don 't have to drive at night . Both times , the friends did a GREAT job ! There was quite a bit of nervousness with all of them before the evening performance . Joshua said that he had everyone hold hands while he led a prayer before they started . . . and he said it helped calm everyone down . Joshua started off the program by reading the true Christmas story from Luke 2 . He did a great job . . . he was loud enough and used some animation in his voice . I was very proud of him . Two of the friends then did some narrating of Charles Dickens ' A Christmas Carol . Of course , they had to shorten it quite a bit . Joshua played Bob Crachit . Jenni played his wife . OH HOW CONVENIENT . How else could they get to hug in front of everyone . I mean , it would be totally expected and acceptable for them to show affection if they were playing actors who were married , right ? That was their thought process , anyway ! I continue to be impressed with this group of friends . . . all different levels of physical and mental abilities . . . but they all worked together , using their strengths for a common goal . One minute , a friend would be telling another friend in no uncertain terms what he / she was supposed to be doing . The next minute , one friend would take the hand of another one . . . to calm their nerves , or to lead them where they were supposed to go . . . or to steady a friend who just needed a little extra help for balance . There were two narrators : one had periods where she was totally overwhelmed and someone else had to take over ; the other one is in a wheelchair . . . the lower half of her body doesn 't work . They both read very well . Two other friends recited " The Night Before Christmas " poem , and one friend read the story of the candy cane . There was enthusiastic singing and dancing . My man - child . . . he has moves that would make Elvis blush ! I 'm not even kidding . I don 't know where he learned them , but he put on quite a show during the songs . They all did . The Grinch showed up at the end of the program , and , like last year , stole the entire show ! She was awesome ! You just have to know this girl . She is typically one of the more quiet friends in this group . . . not usually involved in any of the drama . . . AND THERE IS ALWAYS SOME DRAMA . To see her get so into this performance was just hysterical . Not only was she very angry acting and dramatic as she stomped around on stage , and " stole " the presents and decorations . . . she also used this maniacal laugh . She would periodically throw her head back and go , " MWAHAHAHAHAHA . " HI - LARRY - US . Just sayin ' . I didn 't know if this year could possibly measure up to the Christmas program from last year , but it did ! It was such a sweet and precious time . I am so thankful for people who can see past a person 's physical or mental abilities . . . who can see inside their hearts and work to bring out their best . That 's what the workers of this program do each and every day . I had already shopped and it took me 20 minutes , not 40 . Come ON , people . Even when I have a large list , I am like a Navy Seal going thru that store . I know where everything is . Do not get in my way . So , about an hour after we got home , I went back to pick up the meds . THEY WERE NOT READY . In fact , the little guy couldn 't find them at first , and then said , " he 's not in the system , " talking about Clark . I said , " well , he may not be in the system , but I DID drop off the Rx over an hour ago . " After a few minutes , he came back and said that they found the prescriptions , and that they would be ready in 20 minutes . ARGH . So , I said I would wait . On the way home , the sky was so pretty . It was streaked with pink and blue . I made a conscious effort to look at it and take it in . . . the sky , the field , the trees . I don 't want to rush through these days . A couple of years ago , I was asked to write about a special Christmas memory , and this is one of the stories that came to my mind . . . I remember a Christmas in Virginia . I was 7 years old . My Dad was in the Air Force , and by the age of 7 . . . I think I had already moved 5 times . When we got the news that my Dad would be going to Vietnam for a year , my parents had to make a decision to either stay where we were , or move somewhere closer to " family . " Even though we hadn 't been in our current location very long , my Mom said we had become involved in school and church activities . We were getting settled in , making friends . My parents met in high school in Charlottesville , Virginia . My Dad had gone to the University of Virginia . They had a lot of friends there , as well as most of my Mom 's family . Everyone begged my Mom , " move home , so we can take care of you and the kids while Skip is gone . " At the time , my parents had 3 young children . My Dad thought it would be good for my Mom to have a strong support system while he was gone , so after much thought and prayer , they packed us all up and we moved back " home . " To Virginia . My parents found a little house to rent that was right across the street from the elementary school I would attend . And then my Dad left , and my Mom was home alone with 3 kids for a year . Of the family and friends who begged my Mom to move home . . . not one person ever came by . Ever . NOT . ONE . TIME . Oh , they called her or visited with her when they saw her at church or school activities , but that was it . My memory of Christmas that year was of my Mom taking us to get our Christmas tree . She somehow got the tree . . . and all 3 of us . . . home in one piece in the stay - wag . The tree was magnificent . And huge . That whole " go big or go home " was my Mom 's motto way before it became well - known in the sports realm . In fact , the tree was so big that the trunk wouldn 't fit into the tree stand no matter how hard my Mom tried . She was doing her best to whittle away at the trunk of the tree with a STEAK KNIFE FROM THE KITCHEN , Posted by Just last Monday , he rolled our recycling bin to the curb before he went to work . For whatever reason , it was still there when he came home . FULL . Everyone else in our neighborhood . . . for as far as you could see on either side of us . . . put their recycling cans back in their garages on Monday night , after it became apparent that the truck was not going to run . Not us . The cheese stands alone . We 've had that thing sitting at the end of our driveway . . . dodging it with our vehicles . . . for 7 days . I love this quality about Jim . He doesn 't mind doing the hard work , figuring things out , holding others accountable . It can be frustrating at times ( for me ) , but he definitely balances me . We have been fighting with our insurance company for over a year . . . over a roof we had to replace at our old house before we moved . We actually have two insurance companies fighting about it . We never went without coverage and our premiums were always paid , and paid on time . Both say there is hail damage but both say it 's the other one 's responsibility to reimburse us . We ended up paying for the entire thing , because the sale of our home was contingent on the new roof . We want our money back . . . I mean , that 's why you have insurance in the first place , am I right ? Well , Jim has talked to people and followed all of the appropriate steps . They recommended that he file a complaint with the insurance commission in our state , and he did . He 's done everything they 've asked him to do . On Wednesday , he goes to a mediation hearing . It 's the last step before legal action , and I 'm telling you . . . Jim is not above hiring a lawyer if that 's what it takes . We 've never done anything like this before , but we 're talking about a lot of money . Jim is like a dog with a bone . I 'm really proud of him . I would 've given up a long time ago , because they have certainly made things difficult . I think that 's what some big companies hope . . . that they will make everything so hard and ask you to jump through so many hoops . . . most people would get frustrated and give up and move on . I hope our kids will develop this quality in their lives . It 's hard , and I haven 't been very good at it myself . . . except when it has involved them or their care . But in this life , there are many things we need to figure out and have to WORK AT to figure out . . . and there are some things that are worth fighting for . I 'm just glad the recycling can is back in the garage . I just knew one of us was going to back into it and knock everything out into the street . And on trash day , we had the recycling can on one side of the driveway , and the trash can on the other side . It was , like , thread the needle . I don 't really know what I expected . We have a great church and a wonderful music minister . You can tell the thought and prayer he puts into the music every Sunday because of how everything flows . And he uses different people in the praise team each week . I like that . Jim and I have seen some awesome Christmas programs in our married years . I LOVE going to them . It 's one of my most favorite things to do during the Christmas season . In fact , I told Jim this morning that if we went to our early service . . . and then went to hear another church 's Christmas program during the 11 o ' clock time - slot . . . I 'd be down with that . I sang in the choir and loved every minute of climbing up into that huge metal frame . Even Jim got involved in it . . . they asked him to be a centurion or something . He had to wear a little white " dress " and Jesus sandals . After I had Joshua , I didn 't sing in the Living Christmas Tree anymore . Instead , I helped behind the scenes with hospitality . . . feeding the choir , cast and production members before / between the performances . I LOVED that , too . The Christmas program there was an event . . . not gonna lie . It took a lot of time AND money . It lasted several days . I felt like it was God - honoring in every way . Eventually , they stopped doing it . I don 't remember why . We had already moved away by that point . There was no " set . " Just choir members dressed in red and black clothing of their own choosing . Not that there 's anything wrong with that . I was just trying to figure out the " theme " of the musical . They started off singing a Christmas carol that we all know , and they invited us to sing along . During the 2nd song , I noticed people turning around to look toward the back of the sanctuary . Two teen - aged boys were walking down the aisle . They were angels . No , really . They were wearing white shirts and white jeans . They were also wearing white , feathery wings reminiscent of Victoria Secret ads . One boy was wearing a black belt with his white pants . He looked uncomfortable . The other boy was the opposite of uncomfortable . He was enthusiastically doing all the arm motions as the choir sang , and seemed to be embracing his role as an angel . Black - belt angel stood there stoically , arms crossed , almost daring anyone to , as the song the choir was singing said , " come and worship , come and worship . . . worship Christ the newborn King . " But the best part came at the end . I can 't even remember now what song they were singing , but they ended up having alllll of the actors come up one - by - one or in their groups . . . and they also added a group of little kids who helped sing at the end of the song . So the angels , shepherds , Mary , Joseph and the plastic Baby Jesus , and the testimony family and the little kids . . . everyone else who had a part . . . all up on the stage . It was really crowded with people by the end of the song . But anyway ( that 's not even the point of this whole thing ) . . . when they were on about the 2nd verse of this song , one of the angels went rogue . He started dancing and clapping . I mean , ENTHUSIASTICALLY dancing and clapping . The only thing I can really think to compare it to was that scene in the first Sister Act when Whoopie Goldberg , as Sister Mary Clarence , directs the choir as they sing " Oh Maria . " Like the last half of the song when she 's got her arms waving and she does a spin . The first clue that the rogue angel 's act wasn 't planned was the look on black - belt angel 's face . It was priceless . Totally worth the price of admission . It 's like he saw the movement out of his peripheral vision . . . and then looked . . . and then could . not . believe . it . Logan said that he must be the " fallen " angel . And we all got tickled . We were all sitting on the same row . You know , you kind of expect kids to act up in church programs . Little kids , not teenagers ! Wait . What ? I must be getting rusty , because I have 3 boys ! I expect the unexpected at all times ! I think that sometimes we can miss the true meaning of Christmas in the " big - ness " of our productions . It doesn 't have to be that way . . . but sometimes it is . What I appreciated about this morning was how so many different groups in our church were included in the program . . . choir , musicians , drama team , sign - language team , children . And I appreciated how simple it was . . . not a lot of bells and whistles . . . because that 's really how it is , the simple message of Christ : We 've had a quiet Saturday . I have loved being at home with my family . . . having our college boy home . Such a great day with all 4 of our kids and our son - in - law . These are perfect days for me . I remember being pregnant with her . After Joshua 's birth surprised us all ( the fact that he had Down Syndrome ) , my doctor monitored me carefully . I had requested not to have any prenatal testing beyond the simple blood tests . But I had several ultrasounds . . . measuring and looking . Down Syndrome is kind of hard to find on a typical , normal ultrasound . But , at one of our appointments , we did find out we were having a GIRL ! We could not believe it ! I thought for sure I would have all boys . Jim 's family has boys . His grandfather had two sons . Between them , they had 5 sons . NO GIRLS . In fact , the youngest girl in that family was over 80 years old . Eeek ! As Joshua would say , " she was ODE . " We scheduled a C - section for December 16 . . . two weeks before her due date of Christmas . It was a Friday . Actually , Jim said she could come anytime in December . Anytime but the 13th . He had big , big meetings that day with the big , big bosses of his company . Any other day would be fine . When I started having contractions , I thought it was false labor . When I got to the hospital in full - blown labor in the middle of the night , I had to laugh . And when she was born early that morning , I could almost hear GOD laugh . It was December 13 . And Jim did have meetings all day , but was in and out at the hospital . My friend , Sherri stayed in the room with me all day . She was such a sweetheart to do that . . . and she got to hold Holly before anyone else in our family , or any of our other friends . And she got to hold her most of the day . Good practice for her , because 6 months later , she welcomed her own baby girl . Wow , how the time has flown . I love that God gave us a girl . Especially now that she 's married and has a life of her own , I am loving that Jim and I can be a part of it . It 's something I didn 't really have with my own Mom , because she lived in another state . And now that she 's in Heaven . . . well , there 's just a lot I missed , and there 's a lot I miss . So , I was trying to think of the perfect gift . 25 years is pretty special . I thought of jewelry . . . I mean , can 't go wrong there , am I right ? But then I figured out the perfect thing for her . She wanted a Kitchen - Aid Mixer when she got married 2 years ago , but she didn 't get one . I knew it would be something she would LOVE . . . and I thought that it would be something she would always remember she got on her 25th birthday . I couldn 't decide on a color . I went back and forth . I thought I would get red . She loves red . They were out of red . At Christmastime . Whaaaaat ? They had a turquoise - y blue color . I knew she would like that . And the yellow . . . well , it 's about her favorite color . But Morgan got a yellow one , so Holly might want to get a different color . The coral color . . . I know she likes that . Her watchband is coral . . . and her stethoscope is coral . Someone at her nursing school asked her if she planned to match her watchband and stethoscope . She said , " no . . . it 's just coincidence . " In the end , I bought her one in a color called " icy glaze . " It 's a light mint - ish blue - ish green - ish . I knew she 'd love it . I just don 't know if you want to get a " fun " color , or if you want to get a mixer that is the color of everything in your kitchen . If I had done that , my mixer would 've been an earth - tone color , because that was what everyone did back in my day . Now ? YUCK . The young guy that was helping me was so nice . He was really friendly and accommodating . He even checked for a red one " in the back " with the new freight , but couldn 't find one . He told me that Holly could exchange her mixer for a different color if she wanted to . As I was paying , he asked me if I had a mixer like that . I said that I did not . . . that I had been married 33 years and had made it just fine with a hand - mixer ( or three ) . He asked if this new mixer was a Christmas gift for someone . I told him it was my daughter 's birthday , and that I wanted to get her something she would remember getting when she turned 25 . He looked up at me and very quietly said , " wow . She must really be special . No one has ever spent this much money on me in my entire life . " Not gonna lie . . . I had to fight back the tears . I was so thankful for my daughter , and even though I was thrilled to buy this gift for her , it in no way measured my love for her . I loved her the same amount before and after I bought her the present . I told Jim the other day that I realize where they coined the term " middle aged . " I said it was because even though people aren 't quite done raising their kids , they start having issues with or caring for their parents at the same time . They 're in the middle . To which Jim , ever the ray of sunshine , said , " I hate to tell you , but we passed middle age a lonnnng time ago . . . unless you think we 're gonna live til we 're 100 . " But I 'm not even kidding . Every morning when I wake up , I pick up my phone to check the time . And every morning , there is message after message from people with prayer requests and needs . I can feel my heart drop before I even start reading them . Most of them are from people I know in my real life . But now that I 've started blogging , there is this whole other world out there with people I 've never met . People who share their hearts with complete strangers . There are a lot of problems with social media . . it 's over - use and potential abuse . . . but to me , it is like one big prayer chain . Fifteen years ago , when Clark was sick with his cancer , social media was not as big as it is now . Email was the big thing . I remember friends telling me that they sent our prayer request for Clark out in an email to their family and friends . . . and some of them passed it on . . . and some of THEM passed it on . And , as Joshua would say , " and so on and so FOR . " " They " say there is 6 degrees of separation between any given person and any other given person . My husband likes to say that , in Arkansas , it 's about 2 degrees . I remember people telling me that Clark was on the prayer list at their parent 's church . . . or their cousin 's church . . . or at their best friend 's sister 's baby - sitter 's mother 's Bible Study . Friends would tell me that people in Europe . . . or Japan . . . were praying for Clark . SO cool ! The elderly man who lived across our street said he couldn 't remember Clark 's name , but when he prayed , he asked God to heal and protect " the little blond - haired boy from across the street . . . GOD knows , " he would tell me . And one man stopped my father - in - law at the gas station and told him he was praying for his grandson . But now I am able to get prayer requests from people I don 't even know . That 's part of what I love about the body of Christ . We don 't have to know someone or their situation personally in order to pray for them . And so many have prayed for our family . . . it 's a blessing and a privilege to pray for others . So , my best friend 's mom has just been diagnosed with colon cancer . . . she 's in the hospital . Another friend 's mom had a stroke this week . Another friend 's mom fell and is having surgery right now . Several friends have asked for prayer for their children . And the list goes on and on . Tonight , my heart is heavy for this sweet lady . I don 't know her , but found her blog about a year ago via a prayer request . Would you pray for her and her family ? And their son , " Tiny Tim ? " That part is being played by one of the female friends who would make two of Joshua . Joshua watched the movie where Tiny Tim rides around on his Dad 's ( Bob Cratchit ) shoulders . Joshua said , " uhh . . . NOT gonna happen . " I just can 't tell you how much I am looking forward to this program . Last year 's was . . . well , exceptional . And I 'm not making fun . . . it was seriously hilarious . You just have to know the friends . That 's what made it so funny . The Director , Mrs . Sherrie , let the friends write it themselves , so while it was supposed to be along the lines of " The Gift of the Magi , " Joshua started off the program by reading the true Christmas story from Luke 2 , and it was really sweet . But then somewhere in the middle of one of the scenes in " The Gift of the Magi , " the Grinch stomped on stage and took all the presents and everything else that was on the stage . I spent the day with Holly . We went to a pre - birthday lunch and then did some shopping . Her birthday is this week , and they are going to be out - of - town . I wanted to take advantage of this day to hang out with her . Tonight , Jim grilled steaks and Holly and Aaron came over and ate with us . We had baked potatoes . . . I made a sweet potato for Jim . . . steamed broccoli , spinach salad and rolls . Everything was really good . I did not make a dessert . I figure we will do a cake or something this weekend . Secondly . . . turn it into muscle ? I 'm sure he would 've flexed his muscles at the table , but he would 've had to put down his fork . He was CHOWING DOWN on his steak . I thought I was a really responsible mother . I never left my children unattended . I kept them buckled up , strapped in . . . held their hands when they crossed the street . I kept the medicines put up in a high cabinet , and I had protective devices on all of the cabinet and drawers . I was diligent . . . watchful . I was in a hurry that day . . . but even at that , I knew not to ever leave children in the car . And isn 't it like us to think that we know better than what everyone says . . . because it won 't happen to us , right ? I was just going to jump out " real quick " and run in . . . and put the movie in the little slot . I mean , by the time I got the kids unbuckled , I could be done . . . so it was really going to be a waste of time to get them out , haul them in with me . In the short time it had taken me to jump out and run into the movie store , Joshua had somehow slithered out of his car - seat and had gotten in my seat . At the time , I drove an ISUZU Trooper that was standard shift . Joshua had accidentally ( or on purpose . . . who even knows ? ) knocked the gear into neutral . Since I had parked on an incline , the truck was rolling backwards . Joshua was standing up in the drivers seat , both hands clasped tightly on the steering wheel . . . BIG , HUGE GRIN on his face . Holly was strapped in her car - seat in the back - seat . She was sucking on her pacifier , staring at me . I could see her clearly because she was in the middle of the back - seat . I guess I should 've known . Joshua was a little wild man , a Houdini . I needed extra eyes , hands and feet to keep up with him ! I got pretty good at reading him . . . assessing the situation when we were out . . . predicting and preventing some of his behavior . But it took time to hone that skill , and I 'm only one woman . I can 't do it all . . . and this was when Joshua was really young . I got lost in those almond - shaped eyes and all common sense and reason just fell out of my head . I was able to run out and stop the vehicle . I 'm sure everyone in the movie store got a good laugh out of it . I learned my lesson and never , ever , EVER left my kids in the car again , even for even the quickest of errands . It was already half - way painted . . . BLUE . Which was supposed to be green . . . which is the color I wanted , and the color it showed on the little sample card . But it was definitely BLUE after I got it on the walls . So , I left it that way . . . half blue , half the gold - y color that was on there to begin with . I just wasn 't motivated to finish the job when I wasn 't thrilled with the color . I finally went back to the paint store a couple of weeks ago and talked to one of the technicians there and explained what I wanted . I took home 2 samples , and painted swatches of each color on several walls . I still wasn 't feeling too confident , since the LAST green color I chose turned out to be blue . . . but I finally bit the bullet last week and ordered 2 gallons of one of the green colors . I just knew Jim wasn 't happy with the blue . . . he loves green . . . and I figured , hey , it couldn 't be worse . Annnnnnnd . . . I 'm now half - way done . Again . Maybe I can finish most of the first coat tomorrow while Joshua is with his group . I 'm excited to get it done now ! Clark had an appointment this afternoon with the doctor who will be taking out his wisdom teeth over the Christmas break . I was kind of nervous about driving in by myself because of the road conditions , but Jim surprised me by saying he was going to take a half - day of vacation , and we could all go . . . and then go out to dinner after the appointment ! Winner , winner , chicken dinner ! And this whole wisdom tooth thing . . . it could be bad . . . REAL bad . I don 't know . I had mine out with NO problems . Holly had hers out . . . by the same oral surgeon . . . NO problems . But Clark ? I can just tell how he 's gonna be . . . and I hope I 'm wrong . He was taking everything in . . . like all the side - effects , all the bad things that could happen : dry socket , infection , allergic reactions . . . DEATH . I 'm pretty sure he will have several unusual things happen to him and several others that he will imagine in his head . When Joshua was little and he was cold , he would say , " I be freeze . " Isn 't that the cutest thing ever ? So , of course , that is what we started saying and still say even now when we are cold . . . " I be freeze . " I 'm not really cold . We have power and it 's toasty warm in our home . I was outside shoveling a path from our garage to one of the vehicles . . . and I guess I got cold down to my bones . Can 't get warm now . We 've had a good day . We did not go to church , altho they had one service this morning . We have basically been holed up here all day . And just got word that schools are closed again tomorrow . I think that 's the right call , but I sure don 't like making up the snow days later . One of my children , who shall remain nameless , but his name rhymes with " Park , " may or may not be being a crab because he doesn 't like being " stuck in the house . " Never mind the fact that he has been at his girlfriend 's house most of the day . . . which I made the mistake of telling him after he made his " stuck in the house " remark . He looked at me and said , " I mean , have you ever heard of cabin fever ? " Because what I wanted to say was , " have you ever heard of childbirth ? Or being " stuck " for days on end in a hospital room with a child when you don 't know if they will live or die ? Yeah . Or four children under the age of 10 at the grocery store . . . or , better yet , " stuck " in a car for 16 hours so we can take y ' all to flippin ' Disney World ? " I don 't usually get cabin fever . I don 't know if God just made me that way , or if I 've learned because of my circumstances ( with Joshua ) that I can 't always get out and go and do like other people . . . but I 'm pretty content at home if we have power . And food . I can tell exactly what he 's doing . I hear him in the pantry getting cereal . I hear him get out a bowl and spoon . I hear him rattle his bottles of vitamins and fish oil and whatever else it is that he takes . He drinks Metamucil mixed with a small amount of orange juice . His doctor says it 's good for him . It 's thick and I hear him say , " UGH " every morning as he swallows it , and then clanks his glass down on the ceramic counter - top . I hear him go out front and get the newspaper . I hear him turn on the tv . I hear him go into the garage to get dog food . If the cat is in there , she runs into the house . I hear him say , " Kitty . . . get back here . " But these last two mornings . . . they are ice - storm mornings . They are different . We get to sleep in because everything in town is canceled . . . work , school , church . Roads are closed . Shops are closed . If you have power , and we do , it 's a nice and cozy day at home . My husband . . . he got up early and left early the past two mornings . I usually walk him out . He will say , " don 't get up . " I get up anyway . Usually . This morning , I did not . I kinda heard him moving around , but I didn 't fully wake up when he left . He called me later on . He said he couldn 't get out of our neighborhood the usual way . He tried twice and kept sliding . He finally turned around and went the back way to the main road . I made blueberry muffins this morning . I promised Joshua last night that I would . I said , " if we still have power in the morning , I will make blueberry muffins for breakfast . " I heard Joshua come downstairs pretty early . The boy does NOT sleep late . I imagined him looking around and sniffing . Seeing no muffins and no MOM . . . he went back upstairs . Croc . . . croc . . . croc . I smiled as I got up out of bed . The other day , Jim asked me if we had a certain item in our pantry . I can 't remember now what it was . I told him I didn 't know . One of the kids said , " why are you asking Mom ? " Jim said , " well , because she runs our home . " And the kids fell out laughing . . . because they all know Dad is DAD . But , I know what he means . I try to keep things going around here , so that Jim doesn 't have to worry about us while he 's at work . Especially on an ice - storm day . I 'm no housekeeper , not by a long - shot , but I like for it to be homey in here . . . for it to feel cozy and smell good , like something is baking . I 've always wanted our home to be a safe and welcoming place . That when our kids come home from a rough day at school or work or practice , or Jim comes in from work . . . they can shut the door and walk inside and feel those burdens lift from their shoulders . Even if for a little while . When Jim came in last night , the house was clean . It 's decorated for Christmas with trees and lots of little twinkling lights . He hadn 't had dinner , and I sat at the table with him as he ate . It 's stressful days during ice - storms . The longer people go without power , the more irate they get . . . the more dangerous it gets for utility workers . Last year , they had security at his office because there had been threats . It 's not the first time . Restoration is never fast enough for anyone , and people are cold and hungry . But this night ? There was home . And chili , and crackers that had been warmed in the oven . . . and chocolate pie . He got a call from a guy at work . That guy always has a story to tell . You never know what he is going to say . Tonight it was something funny , and , as tired as Jim was , and as frustrating as his day had been , he threw back his head and laughed and laughed , just listening to his friend . We are all home . Well , Jim is at work , of course , but Joshua is here and Clark is out of school today . Holly and Aaron are at their house . Logan and Morgan are at their college , even tho it closed today because of the weather . And Logan was supposed to have two FINALS today . Urgh . The finals have been rescheduled for next WEDNESDAY . . . so instead of coming home this weekend , he won 't be able to come home until some time late next week . Which , I mean , they couldn 't really GET home anyway , what with the weather and the roads . Thankfully , they are safe . Logan lives in a house with another guy . . . Morgan lives in the dorm . I sure hope they don 't lose power . We didn 't get snow here . . . we got sleet . The schools are canceled today , but it 's not like we got this awesome snow to play in . Still , some of the kids in our neighborhood were out on a sled in the street . Which , oh to be young again . . . I about brained myself just walking out to get the mail . What I have done . . . folded LAUNDRY . Everything was already clean . . . sheets and towels and clothes . I always get all that stuff done before a storm . But I 've been running around this week and haven 't had time to fold all of it . It 's all piled up on Logan 's empty bed . I 've about got it all done ! Let 's see , what else . Oh , I talked to my Dad . He and Clara live in the Tulsa area . They have power and are doing okay . My Dad is not a fan of cold weather . He is so funny . When he answered the phone , he said , " hey . . . wanna go to the mall ? " And then he laughed and laughed . He thought that was so funny . Have we had a small earthquake or something around here ? I didn 't feel it , but I would feel BETTER if we had . Because thinking an earthquake knocked down some boxes is a lot better than thinking anything else knocked them down . Our house feels so cozy today , but we miss Jim being here . As great as we have it right now . . . we still have power . . . I am mindful that someone 's best snow day is someone else 's hardest work day . Police , firefighters , medical personnel , utility workers . . . we expect them to be there when we need them no matter what . As a matter of fact , my best friend , Stacy . . . her mom had an unplanned but necessary surgery this morning . I am very thankful for the surgeons and medical staff who came in to work today . . . in spite of the weather . Sure wish Jim was home safe and sound . He is in LR with a bunch of the other managers from his work , getting things ready and staged . . . and doing a lot of answering questions and waiting . You can be as prepared as possible , but you can 't prevent weather . . . and you can 't fix what it messes up until after it happens . People are gonna lose power . . . it 's already happening in some parts of our state . I spent part of the day in LR with Holly . We dropped Joshua off with his group for a few hours . It 's the last day of their fitness class of this year , and he didn 't want to miss it . PLUS , his group was going to Panera Bread for lunch , and , not gonna lie . . . there hasn 't been a storm , disaster or weather warning yet that will make any of the friends want to miss an outing to a restaurant . Holly had a hair appointment , so I went with her . She got a bunch of hair cut off . . . 5 - 6 inches , probably . And her hair is STILL longer than mine . I was fit - to - be - tied about the weather , like , the whole time we were there . Can 't help it . I didn 't really think it was the smartest idea ever to go into LR on a day when freezing rain had been predicted anyway . . . I just didn 't want Holly to go by herself . I spent nearly the whole time at the salon checking the radar . Holly said I was about out of control . . . that I may or may not have been a little rude . . . and loud . She said I was loud . She basically said I get all out - of - sorts like the people in the Snickers commercials who are " just not themselves " until they have a Snicker bar . . . and she gave everyone an " Exhibit A " example from yesterday when the crowds and shopping at Target were about to PUSH ME OVER THE EDGE . She left me in the line to pay and she walked over to the Starbuck 's that 's in the Target store to get coffee and a treat . . . and then basically fed me pieces of lemon pound cake while I drove home . She said I was back to my happy self in 10 minutes . Holly offered to drive home . . . which I appreciated because she is a good driver . . . but just the thought of being a passenger in my own car on potentially wet or icy roads would be enough to turn me into one of those Garfield car window things with the suction cups on the paws . I would be stuck on the window and trying to get out ! I said the only way I was letting her drive was 1 ) if I was dead , or 2 ) if I was dying , or 3 ) completely knocked out . But we made it to Panera Bread and picked up Joshua . Holly got a to - go order of soup and half of a sandwich and we took off . I gobbled down half of her half - a - sandwich and immediately felt better . And , 35 minutes later , we pulled into our town , and the freezing rain hadn 't started yet ( thankfully ) . I was feeling MUCH better , so we did what other normal people would do in a similar situation : we went to Hobby Lobby . I 've got groceries . . . most of them . I think there 's a couple of things I could run by and get . . . just to have . I mean , I pretty much have a menu of things I can make for the next several days . . . chili , soup , chicken and dumplins . . . and no one wants to buy too much . If you lose power and it 's days before it 's fixed , you could lose a lot of that food . Because as cold as it could be in your house , it 's probably not gonna be cold enough to keep meat completely frozen . . . or milk completely cold . . . or ice - cream from melting . And , it 's when we have weather like this that I like to tell people my # 1 tip for if / when the power goes out . . . well , the first thing I do BEFORE the power goes out . . . BEFORE the bad weather . . . is to get all the laundry caught up . I 'm talking TOWELS AND SHEETS . . . because you never know who might be at your house . You might have family or friends who need a warm place to stay , and you for sure want to have clean sheets and towels , am I right ? I 've written about my family . . . about how my parents were raised , and how they raised us . I feel like I am far removed from both ways . I 'm not nearly as reserved as my Dad 's side . . . but I 'm also not as open as my Mom 's side . And Jim 's mom and dad were raised differently as well , but family is important to all of us . We don 't get to pick our families . We know that . And sometimes in some families things are hard . . . even unbearable . It makes my heart hurt to hear of these situations . I think you really see it after you have kids of your own . You think about how you were raised and how you want things to be different . Or that you want things to be the same . And you hear about your friends ' parents taking their entire families to Disney World or on a ski trip . . . and how their holidays are right out of a Hallmark commercial , complete with hot chocolate and football in the backyard and everyone smiling at dinner . . . and MAN , you wish YOUR family did things like that . Or maybe your friends have parents who keep their kids on a regular basis . Or occasionally so you can have a date night , or go on a weekend trip . And yours don 't . . . or won 't . . . or can 't . . . or they live too far away . But , you know , some people are selfish . . . . they were that way as kids , they were that way as parents . . . don 't expect things to be different when they have grandchildren . Maybe they don 't think they are being selfish at all . Maybe they may feel like they 've worked hard and now is their " me " time . They love their family in their own way , and will fit you in when they can . . . and they are fine with that . They would be hurt if they knew how you really felt . Maybe it 's the way their family does things . Maybe it 's the only way they know . But I think that people can only do what they can do . . . what they WANT to do . And fretting and stewing over it and wishing things were different . . . is only going to hurt YOU . You can 't make people be a certain way , any more than they could change YOU if they wanted to . It 's just not going to happen . Now , YOU can change YOU . . . with God 's help . But even that won 't change your past . . . I wish I had been a better daughter , sister and friend . . . but it can change your future . HE can change your future . There may always be things that bug you about your family , or certain family members . . . or maybe you are one of those where everything is perfect ! Or maybe you are one of those where family equals all manner of horror . I don 't think you owe anyone " family time " in those types of situations . Our number one priority as parents is to protect our children from harm , in as much as it depends on us . . . and so if there is a history of any type of abuse , I say , " run Forrest run . " These friends are frustrated with the level of support they get from their parents . . . especially when it comes to them as grandparents . I just suggested that they are going to have to accept that it is what it is . No more , no less . And for the most part , they have . They have ( wisely ) made a genuine effort to find friends of different ages to be their " family . " They have several couples who are older . . . who can be sources of wisdom and encouragement in their lives when they aren 't getting that from their own families . My best friend , Stacy , gave me a sign that I have in my kitchen . It says , " friends are the family we choose for ourselves . " I have a good family that I love , but they all live far away . . . so our friends have stepped in and stood in the gap for us many , many times . . . like family . So Friday was the big day . The day we had waited for all season . Clark 's football team had made it to the 3rd round of play - offs and we were headed up to NWA ( northwest Arkansas ) for the game . Jim had to work a few hours that morning , but Clark had to be at the field - house by 9 : 30 for the team breakfast . . . and a movie . . . and all the gettin ' ready stuff that boys and teams do before a big game . They were going to leave at 12 : 30 , but the families were invited to come up at 12 : 15 and line the streets around the school . . . so Jim and I headed up there . I was thankful to see so many come out and support our boys . Jim , Joshua and I left town around 3 . We picked up Clark 's friend , Faith , on the way up the road a bit . We stopped to eat before we got to the game . At the restaurant , there was a little , old couple . They had already caught my attention because of how they were dressed . Not judging . . . it was just pretty pitiful . Actually , the woman looked okay . The man ? Not so much . I watched them for a while and breathed a little prayer for them . . . mindful of my many blessings and of that old saying , " there but for the grace of God go I . " Or something like that . I was trying hard not to make up a story about them in my head like Jim 's mother does , but I couldn 't help but wonder what . . . why ? As they finished their meal , the woman sneezed several times as they cleared their trash off the table . She walked to the bathroom and the man waited for her at the table . Eeeek ! I told him real quick that there was no way I was going in there . I mean , I would rather " go " on the road beside the car than to set one foot into that bathroom . Really , our team played HARD . Our opponents were used to rolling over pretty much every other team . We were predicted to lose by 18 . We lost by a touchdown in the last quarter . We beat ourselves , but we also made them work for the win . I 've been up a while . I 've seen Jim off to work and Clark off to school . On the days Joshua and I don 't have to go into LR , I will come back to my room . . . to my bed . . . and post up with a cup of coffee , my Bible and my lap - top . I hear him in the kitchen . He 's trying hard to be quiet . Honestly , if I was asleep . . . he would not have woken me up . On Saturdays , when we make a big family breakfast , he will " croc " down the stairs half - way . . . just til he can bend his head down and peer into the living room / kitchen area . He just wants to survey the situation . If he sees me cooking , he goes back up . No sense coming all the way down . He 'll just check again later . But this morning , I hear him put his pop - tarts in the toaster . I struggle with whether to go in there with him or not . Most of the time , I do . . . sometimes , in the mornings . . . because I know his routine , I just let him be . I can hear him get his juice . He loves him some orange juice . I can hear him quietly pull the chair away from the table . I can picture him now . It 's the same every day . I 've already been up , so the blinds are open . He will sit at the table . . . he will not turn on the light . He thinks everyone should " learn to enjoy the sunlight . " He looks out the window while he eats . . . and he checks his phone for messages and updates . When he 's done , I hear him lift the lid on the trashcan . He rinses out his cup and puts it on the counter . He will use the same cup all day . He thinks it 's wasteful to do otherwise . I hear him on the carpet runner that 's in the hallway . I know he 's coming to check on me . The door is barely cracked . I can hear him breathing . His hand is on the door . . . opening it ever so slightly . And then I see his head . He peers in and smiles . . . " you up ? " He asks me how I slept . He always asks me how I slept . Sometimes he comes in and gives me a hug . Sometimes he eases out the same way he came in . Later , when I come into the living room . . . all of the " couch blankets " are folded neatly and piled on the couch . There are at least 3 of them . . . sometimes more . He stacks them up on the couch . He always folds them . I don 't ask him to . . . he just does . My family has been after me to start a blog because they say I have so many funny stories . Trouble is . . . now that I finally have a little time to actually record these memories , I can 't remember any of them ! This may be a blog about nothing , kinda like a Seinfeld episode ! I am very aware of God 's hand in my life , and I am thankful for His grace each day for the many times I mess up . I love spending time with my family and friends . I LOVE football ! I don 't really understand baseball all that much , but my brother and sisters love it , so I cheer on those Texas Rangers ! I 'm just a girl who came to a college in Arkansas many years ago . I didn 't know one single person in the entire state . I fell in love with a boy from the college across the Ravine , and we got married when we were way too young to know what in the world we were doing . If we had been able to see ahead to some of the bumps in the road God would allow in our lives , we would 've run screaming into the woods . We 've been married for a hundred years now , and God has blessed our family so much . After the birth of our first child , I had a " Jesus , Take the Wheel " moment . Turns out that philosophy works for every area of our lives . |
I will be away from my computer for a few days . Which is not totally true . I will be away from an Internet connection . I will be working on my novel and reading a book for editing and review . Try not to miss me . I am running away to my parents " country " home for a couple days . One of those I will spend with a friend who is camping about an hour from there . I am looking forward to that . Not seen her since before Christmas . . . way too long . I like being at the " country " home . No cell service , no Internet . I get lots of writing done when I am there . It won 't be as much as usual because I will be gone for a day , but it should be a big chunk . That is always good . Yes , I have a land line phone there in case of emergency and those who know me well , have the number and can reach me . I like the peacefulness there . The wildlife the lack of people , yep that 's where I want to be . This is the first summer in a long time that I have not gone there for a week or at least part of a couple week - ends . Just too much to do this summer , getting the house ready for sale . So while I am gone to unwind and relax you all stay out of trouble and I will try to have something witty to impart when I return . It took about 45 min . yesterday to get my laptop up and running . We put in a 2 gb memory card to boost the memory and speed up the machine . We talked about what I should be looking for in a new computer . To my chagrin , Dell is second only to Mac in the laptop division . I know that I need a pro or ultima when I buy so that too helps . Kudos to Diane for being an awesome computer person and down right nice lady . She fixed my computer on her day off . Looking for computer help in the West Branch , MI area be sure to check out the Computer Genie . She is that . I am in the middle of reading the most delightful book I 've ever come across . It was written by a man in the UK and the humor is just wonderful . I will give a full review when I have finished . I am also working on my own novel . I am hoping to get a couple more chapters in this week . I am ready to get this moving . It needs a good thirty thousand words before it will be finished . Time to get busy . It is so nice to be connected again . I am shopping for a new laptop , but am no longer in a hurry . I can wait for the sales . This morning the WiFi in my laptop stopped working . The tragedy here is that I did not realize how much I 'd come to depend on my Internet access . I do my bill paying on - line for a lot of my bills , my blog , my sales at half . com , not to mention the games I play with friends and the fact that it helps me keep in touch with family and friends who are not local . I fired up the PC , that has not been used for much of anything since 2008 and started deleting programs so that I could regain some speed . It has been made WiFi so that is no issue , but it is so slow I have stopped using it . I have a call into a friend who does computer repair . I am not sure the laptop can be salvaged and that will break my heart as my new website that I had hoped to launch today is saved on the laptop . I do not know if it can be saved to a flash drive , but I will be finding that out later . The laptop has been acting up for a couple of weeks , freezing several times a day requiring a reboot of the system . I am afraid to run a systems check as I know it is going to tell me that the motherboard is going for the third time . I really hate the idea of putting a third motherboard into it . I need a new one , but not at this time . I need this one to hold out just a while longer . Alas , I maybe hitting up the Geek Squad by the end of the week , or worse yet investing in a new one . Just glad I had a backup today . Today I learned that Michael Palmer is hosting an opportunity to write with him . You get your shot by submitting 220 words that would come next in his short story . There is a daily chance to enter this week . I have submitted my first 220 words . I would be flattered to make it to the top five . I 'd be honored to be the one chosen for the day to be included as part of his short story . It is a chance to hone my writing skills . Two hundred twenty words is not much to work with . Keeping the tone of someone else 's writing is also a trick . Every writer has their own style and the idea is that you match the style as best you can . I like a challenge . In 220 words , you set the scene , tension , and tone for the whole thing . It 's a short scene like an act in a play . It 's also called flash fiction . Some people can write the whole story in that many words . As a novelist , it is a challenge to do all that . It will be exciting to see who wins and who gets left behind . I was just thrilled for the chance to do it . TTFN " I will keep a patrol going by your place or you can continue staying with me . We have the District Attorney on board with all the information you and Anna dug up he has a lot to answer for . Anna 's name on it so that it won 't be considered tainted . You are just the victim . He will not be offered bail , because he has no ties to the community and is a flight risk , " he answered with confidence . Our order came and we ate . Then we drove to the court house . The courtroom was filled with old wood that made you feel almost reverent when you entered . We sat in the courtroom and listened to the District Attorney give all the reasons that Bannister should be remanded to custody . His court appointed lawyer did not object . Bannister was fuming at the remand . He knew he 'd have to wait awhile for his sister to arrive . The trial went on for five days . Bannister 's slick sister , the lawyer , was defending him . The surprise was that Allen Bannister Sr . was there every day . The white haired man sat erectly as he heard every word that described his worthless son . On the day the case went to the jury he approached me . " First , I want to say that I am sorry for what my son has done to you . He has always been a disappointment . Second , I would like to congratulate you for the thorough job you did investigating him . There are many things about him I did not know . Finally , I have a trust fund to dispense with . " " That 's what I want to talk to you about . You are way too intelligent to have been my son 's child . I understand that he has besmirched your mother 's reputation and caused untold hurt to you and your father . I 'd like to take his half of the trust and put it into a fund that will care for your mother for the rest of her life . On her death , the remainder will go to your father . The rest I would like you to have . " " I know I don 't , but I have no other children and I 'd like something good to come of it . For my part , I 'd like to know that if I need an investigator in the future I could call on you . I would be honored if you would accept this . " I talked to Dad about this over dinner . He was adamant at first that he wanted no blood money from the Bannisters . I told him to sleep on it . We could talk in the morning . Allen Bannister Jr . was found guilty of kidnapping and possession of a date rape drug . He was sentenced to twenty - five to life . Life for Dad and I went back to normal . Me just hoping I would not awaken again in a jail cell . If you enjoyed this story please let me know . I think there should be a second one so you know what happened when the trust fund money arrived . Had the thought that I might do a series of short stories on Sam Worth . He handed me the file with the DNA report . Dad shook his hand and we walked out . The ride to the police department didn 't take long . They told Dad , Bannister was in an interrogation room . We walked in together . " What you want doesn 't much matter . A public defender has been called until your lawyer can get here . I just thought I 'd let Sam read the list of charges , " the Chief replied . " Wrong , scumbag , I have every right to be here . You are first being charged with kidnapping , then there is the issue of the Rohypnol , finally there is the charge of impersonation . " I was enjoying this . " I had one done with my father . Those tests are correct . You aren 't my father . This is a good thing , because I have a file on you that will bury you in some stinking jail cell for a great number of years . You 'll probably be too old to father an heir when you see the outside again . " " I have no idea what you are talking about . I want this woman out of here . I also want a private DNA test done . She is my daughter , " Bannister continued to insist looking at the Chief . I turned and walked out , too angry with this spoiled rich man to care . I passed the public defender on his way to the conference room . I went to the other conference room . In a couple of minutes Anna joined me . " So , how 's it going ? " she asked care and concern filling her voice . " I have the DNA test that says that scumbag in no relation to me . I should be happy . Instead I just want to bury him in a jail cell for a long long time . " Shrugging I tossed the file on the table . " It will take time , Sam . This man wanted you to be someone you 're not . That 's hard to take . " Anna 's presence was comforting . " No problem . It 's just a part of the ' protect and serve ' . " She left me and went back to her job . The Chief found me sitting at the table . After we had ordered Dad said , " I 'm sorry we had to do the DNA test . Your mother is a good woman . She would never have wanted you to know there was a chance you were not mine . " " It 's a dead issue . I am yours . That 's not what bothers me . I 'm afraid he 'll make bail and I won 't be safe . " I looked at Dad rarely did I let him see my fear . Anna printed the photo . She wanted to have a hard copy when Dad got here . She also saved the photo to a disk . We shut down the computer and went to wait . " Barstow wanted me to find his daughter . He sent me a ten year old photo of her . Dad , who is this guy and why does he think I 'm his daughter ? " I wanted to know . Dad sat and just looked at me . I could see he was measuring what he wanted to say . I waited . Anna left the room presumably to give us some privacy . " He may be your biological father . Your mother was pregnant when I married her . The guy had run off . I didn 't care . I loved your mother . Her child would be mine . We were never able to have children and I figured it was my fault . I am legally your father . This man Barstow , and that is not his real name , is looking for an heir . He is Allen Bannister Jr . and once he produces one he will inherit a trust worth millions . But the money is tied up awaiting an heir . The trust will be divided equally between the heir and Bannister . " " I never really thought about it , " he answered me honestly . " I knew she 'd been thrown over by this guy and ours was a whirlwind romance . I wasn 't even sure she loved me at first . " Anna appeared nodding her head yes . The three of us left , Anna following in her car . It took no time to reach the medical examiner 's office . Doc Watson was quick to take cheek swabs . He told us it would be a couple weeks but he 'd put a rush on it . In the meantime , Anna and I were going back to the house . I wanted to know everything I could about the man I knew as Barstow . We arrived at home , Anna threw some sandwiches together , grabbed a couple bottles of water and we booted up the computer . We started with a people search of Allen Bannister Jr . Once we got a photo of him we went on to search his family . A quick credit card to Intellus and we had a fountain of information . Bannister was the family bad boy . He had a sister who was a lawyer , a brother who was a doctor , and he seemed to be the wastrel . I couldn 't see where he 'd finished college , but he 'd attended four . He hadn 't held a job for more than a year . There were a couple of tickets for DUI - driving under the influence . He 'd had some gambling debts and it would seem a couple of incidents with women that had been hushed up . Apparently he had no children . I didn 't want this man to be my father . I didn 't want his money or his name . I left the room frustrated . Anna had printed off all the information we 'd found . She also found an empty file folder and put it in there . She slowly followed me to the kitchen . " Sam , what do you want to do with this ? " she asked waving the folder . " How 'd he get that photograph of me ? I remember that day at the beach . I was with a bunch of school friends . I don 't remember anyone taking pictures of me . " I was pacing like a caged lion now . " Any good investigator can take photos from long distance . You know that . You 've gotten some shots that have helped us when we couldn 't get close . " " Yeah , I suppose . This is just so disturbing . " I don 't know what was more frustrating , that this man could be my father or that he thought so little of me that he 'd drug me and leave alone and unprotected . Anna and I spent the next two weeks hacking into every file that held information on Allen Bannister Jr . We learned that he was broke and owed large amounts of money to some on - line gambling establishments . He appeared to live the high life and he treated people badly . His scrapes with the law always managed to go away . Either his lawyer sister got the charges dropped or his wealthy father must have put out large sums of money to make them go away . So , when Dad called to say Doc Watson had DNA results , I felt armed to battle this man who claimed to be my father . We had an appointment with Doc Watson in the morning . I tossed and turned all night , was up early , showered , dressed , and making breakfast when Dad came down the stairs . I poured him coffee and he sat at the counter . When I had breakfast on plates we moved to the table . " Yes , Dad , I want this over one way or the other . With Anna 's help I have enough information on the man to make him go away . Not to mention he left ME on the side of the road drugged . " We finished breakfast in silence and I did the dishes . Then we headed to the car and drove to the ME 's office . Doc was waiting for us and took us to his office . " Well , I don 't know who this guy is , but he 's barking up the wrong tree . I won 't ask Chief , but I cannot imagine that you needed a test to know that this high spirited young woman is your daughter . I did run the DNA and voila the results are as I suspected Samantha is your daughter . " I could hardly contain myself . I threw my arms around Dad . " Well , this has all paid off . We can now add kidnapping to the charges against him . " I beamed . The Chief 's phone rang at that moment . " Excuse me , " he said as he stood to walk across the room . " This is the Chief . Uh - huh . Okay . I 'll tell her . Thanks . " " So , what big plans do we have for the day ? I brought my own car so we 'd be less conspicuous if we go out . " She was always eager to help . " I don 't know , maybe web surf on Dad 's computer . I may be able to remote access my files . I need to know what Barstow wanted to hire me for . Maybe then I 'll know what it is I cannot remember . " We went to Dad 's office I booted up the computer , typed in the link to my website , and logged in . I went to the section I kept on potential customers . Then I opened the file on Barstow . Anna and I quickly read through my notes . Nothing seemed out of the ordinary . He wanted me to find his missing daughter . He 'd lost track of her after he divorced her mother . We agreed to meet . " Did he e - mail you a photo ? " she asked . Excitedly she said , " Here let me look . " I slid off the chair and let Anna sit down . Then pulled another chair alongside her . She typed quickly and accessed all my photos . Sure enough there was a file that said Barstow . I was almost afraid to look . When the picture came up I was floored . It was a picture of me , taken at the beach about ten years ago . How did he come to have this photo ? Who was this man ? " Agnes , this is Sam is my dad in yet ? " " He 's just walking through the door . Hold on a minute . " The next voice I heard was Dad 's , " What 's up ? " " I need you to come home . Anna and I found something on the computer you need to see . " The seriousness of my voice had him on alert . Anna printed the photo . She wanted to have a hard copy when Dad got here . She also saved the photo to a disk . We shut down the computer and went to wait . " Barstow wanted me to find his daughter . He sent me a ten year old photo of her . Dad , who is this guy and why does he think I 'm his daughter ? " I wanted to know . Dad sat and just looked at me . I could see he was measuring what he wanted to say . I waited . Anna left the room presumably to give us some privacy . " He may be your biological father . Your mother was pregnant when I married her . The guy had run off . I didn 't care . I loved your mother . Her child would be mine . We were never able to have children and I figured it was my fault . I am legally your father . This man Barstow , and that is not his real name , is looking for an heir . He is Allen Bannister Jr . and once he produces one he will inherit a trust worth millions . But the money is tied up awaiting an heir . The trust will be divided equally between the heir and Bannister . " We drove to the bank , talked to the manager , and went to get the safety deposit box . It was as it had always been . It held my grandmother 's jewelry and some savings bonds my mother had for me . With help from the bank manager , the box was changed and a new key was issued . The Chief drove me to my apartment where I got some clothing and then he took me home . I went up stairs took a long shower and changed . When I came down , there were two officers in the living room . I knew them both . Anna Wilkins , a petite good - natured officer , was assigned inside the house and Jack Adams , tall and lanky with a desire to please , was going to be in the car outside . The Chief went back to the office to find out the status of the BOLO and finish up his day . He called the administrator of the nursing home . He wanted no one in his wife 's room that was not personally known to the staff . A man claiming to be from the church had shown up today . He was not from the church . That taken care of he needed to find the man Barstow and find out what he wanted . Later in the day when , I awoke , I felt refreshed . I dressed and wandered downstairs to find something to eat . I found Anna in the kitchen and wonderful aromas wafting out . " Afternoon , Sam , hope you don 't mind my taking over the kitchen . The Chief will be home in about half an hour . If you can wait that long , I 'll have dinner ready for you . " " Anna , that 's great ! I can wait . But I need a bottle of water , " I told her . Anna reached into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water . She handed it to me . I took it and sat at the counter . " I talked to Molly today . She came to see you when her set was done . She had trouble getting you away from the man you were with . When she did you weren 't too coherent . You gave her the key and told her what it was for . She said you weren 't too steady on your feet , " Molly told me . I shrugged and drank some water . Something was niggling at the back of my brain . Something I knew would be important . Try as I might , I couldn 't grab onto it . The Chief arrived Anna and I put dinner on the table . I asked Anna to stay but she said she needed to get home to her husband . She left and we sat down to dinner . " Do we have night coverage , too ? Maybe we should take them some of this delicious pork . " I said trying to figure out how serious this situation was . " Just a precaution I also took care of your mother , too , " he told me . I nodded and continued to eat my dinner . After dinner Dad and I took coffee into the den . We watched some TV together then I turned in for the night . I slept a very restless sleep , filled with images running into each other . Jesse Barstow kept running through my head . What had he wanted me to do ? Why had he hired me ? Why had he drugged me ? How did my mother fit in ? I awoke tired and still drawing a blank . Dad had coffee on when I came down the stairs . He had just put bacon in the pan . He looked up and said , " Couldn 't sleep either ? " " I 'd just finished up for Molly , so the job offer by Barstow would have been the next thing . I 'm going to call and see if I have any messages . " I went to the phone called my office and checked my voice mail . There was a cryptic message from the voice of Barstow . " So , you are a hot shot PI ? I really don 't think so . You fell for the oldest con in the book . It was so easy to get you where I wanted you . " I replayed it so Dad could listen . He sent Anna over to get the tape and take it in to be analyzed . I called my home to check the voice mail there . There was none . At least he hasn 't got my home number . I was careful not to give that out to clients . My office and cell phones were for business . Anna showed up as Dad came down the stairs . He nodded to me and said to both of us . " You girls keep out of trouble . " Then he left . The Chief came back as I was finishing the second donut . He shook his head , " Beats me how you can eat that stuff and still be thin as a rail . I ran a check on this Jesse Barstow . Seems he has a yellow sheet longer than your arm . He 's quite the confidence man . I can 't believe you fell for him . " " I 'm not sure I did . I think he could 've been the person who drugged me . I went to the Escape looking for Molly Marshfield . The key belongs to her . It was for her mother 's safe deposit box . I just can 't seem to remember the numbers and what they were about . " " No , he 'd called earlier in the day . He 'd wanted me to find someone . Since I had to go see Molly , I told him to meet me at the Escape . " " I don 't remember . I don 't know how I got it or what it was about . " I shook my head hoping to bring the memory back . " Well , you seem to be okay now . I didn 't want to send you home last night if you were facing some kind of danger . I 've put out a BOLO ( Be On the Look Out ) for Barstow . I have some questions for him . Want a lift to your place ? " the Chief asked . Yeah , my dad is the Chief of Police . We try to see Mom two or three times a week . She has Alzheimer 's and is confined to the local nursing home . Sometimes it is easier if we both go together . I was ready when Dad came back . We drove to the home in silence . I knew he did not like my choice of career . He hadn 't liked it when I was on the police force either . He didn 't think it was a job for a girl … . especially not his little girl . In an instant the lights and siren were on . We flew through town . I was out of the car and running before Dad came to a complete stop . Nurses and administrators were coming out the front door to see what the commotion was . I bowled past them headed for Mom 's room . She looked up as I entered . " Samantha , dear , have you been running again ? You know it 's not lady like , " she admonished like a thousand other times in my life . " I know Mom . " I took a minute to take in her surroundings . Nothing seemed out of place . " Why yes , that new young man from the church came in . He left his card . " She handed me the card . Sure enough the name was Jesse Barstow . I handed it to Dad . " We were just worried about you , Mom , " I told her my hand going to her snow white hair in a caress . " I 'm fine . These people take good care of me , " she said a serene smile on her face . Dad stepped over to her . " Helen , we were just concerned . We have to leave now , but we 'll be back later . " He kissed her and walked out of the room . " This is the key to your mother 's safe deposit box . I had them check the bank and find out who the key belonged to . I want to go and see if he got into it . " I woke slowly aware this was not my own bed , nor my room . My head ached , and as I took in my surroundings , I noticed the bars . How did I end up in jail ? I sat up slowly holding my head , unable to remember what had happened last night . The first was the book of matches . I turned them over slowly and read the name on the package , Escape Gentleman 's Club . What on earth was I doing with these ? I 'm not a smoker . Why had I been there ? The next item was a napkin . It too had the emblem of Escape on it and a number . It wasn 't a phone number as there weren 't enough numbers . This was becoming a puzzle . There was also a key . It was not a car key . Motels use key cards so that was out . When I turned it over it had " Bank of Michigan " imprinted on it . This might be a safe deposit box key , but I didn 't have a safety deposit box . Item number four looked like a worm . Oh heavens , the worm from a tequila bottle . I never ate those . How did it get in my pocket ? Disgusting , I shivered . I followed quietly still pondering the items in my pocket . I was put in a small conference room . Coffee and donuts were on a counter along one wall . " Go ahead , help yourself . The Chief will be here in a minute . " I took a cup of coffee added a ton of sugar and a bit of milk . Then I took a jelly donut from the box . I 'd just started on the donut when the Chief walked in . " Let me see if I can fill in some of the blanks . One of my officers found you wandering down the street at about one o ' clock this morning . He recognized you and brought you here . You seemed to be in some kind of state and were non - responsive to questions . I had them take a blood sample and run it for toxins . Someone slipped you Rohypnol , the date rape drug . I immediately had them take you to ER . They ran a rape kit , but it came back negative . Someone was trying to put you out of business , Sam . What do you remember ? I reached into my pocket and pulled out the five items . Slowly things started to fall into place . I 'd been hired by Jesse Barstow to find someone . He 'd met me to Escape where I 'd picked up the matchbook . The key and the napkin were still a bit of a mystery . I explained what I could to the Chief . We looked at the key and the number on the napkin . He also took the business card . As I sat there finishing my coffee I went for another donut . There was still a big blank . Why didn 't they keep me at the hospital ? I 'd have to ask the Chief about that one . As a private investigator , the police department held me in as much esteem as they would a pile of dung . I 'd paid my dues in the department and that counted for something . I am often asked where I get the ideas for my novels . Honestly , they come from my warped mind . They come from life or the possibilities in life . I people watch . I create backgrounds for some of the people I see . They become characters . I read , read , and read more . I knew for my first book that my main character was going to be a librarian . I have two handwritten starts that went nowhere . As it turned out my librarian died in the first few pages . Not at all where I was starting . Sometimes you have to let the story tell itself . In my second book I was given three words to use in the first sentence . I started with my arsonist watching his handiwork from a place above the fire . My lead investigator was on the ground . Many people who read the book thought for a while that they were one in the same . In my third book it was the setting that was the start for the story . Imagine that I would write about a school . With a few minor adjustments , the school in my story was my elementary school . You would have to know me well to have known that . For my current novel . I have used a family name for my main character . Since this character is the hero I don 't think there will be any objections . The idea was to introduce a town and some characters and make it a three book series . I started with a cold case that went places even I never dreamed . I also started by taking a room description I wrote as an undergrad and making it better . Characters become real to a writer . Yes , I have conversations with them . We even argue . My characters have to stay true to who they are . Sometimes they take me in directions I never even consider . If it works , all the better . I try to take on subjects that could happen , that might happen , that have happened in some way . I have murder , arson , stalking and and cold case . In the second book in my series I am taking on bullying when it gets to the stage where things are illegal . I have no idea yet where the third book will take me . I went to Texas for inspiration . I don 't know if I found it but time will tell . I 've been to Arizona and New Mexico . I 've traveled in Kentucky , Tennessee , and North Carolina . So far none have made it into my books , but that doesn 't mean they won 't . I take photos of every place I go so I can refresh my memory if I choose to write about them . My hotel room in Scottsdale , Az . I even took photos of the beamed ceiling and the stocked fridge . I took photos in my Aunt and Uncle 's bed and breakfast . Places need to be authentic . I will use the photos if this is the type of room or place I need . Write your ideas down . I have journals full of ideas . Some might even make it into stories . Some may not . The more you have the more chance you have of using them . Happy writing . I 've missed a couple days of blogging . So , let me catch you up . Got a phone call on Thursday about my house . The house that is for sale . The couple was going to come on Saturday . So , I cancelled my Friday plans . . . thank you , Sally for letting me reschedule . . . and went into marathon house cleaning . As I have been tearing the place apart for two years trying to get rid of stuff and have my spare bedroom ready for paint and new flooring , the place was a wreck . I 've also just finished a garage sale and have some of that stuff around . I will admit the upstairs bedroom is still a wreck but at least it 's a neat wreck . I am still working on some small things . I 'm hoping to get my dad up here soon to put in the back splash and range hood . Then I 'm done with anything I 'm doing in this room . The major thing is the spare bathroom needing to be replumbed . Grr . . . . but that is the last of the major things . I ache all over but I feel better for having done it . The couple came about 1 pm today . They brought her dad with them . They are looking for acreage because they have two dogs . I have 2 . 81 acres . There is also a built in dog house in my garage , completely insulated . I did not get a read on whether or not they were interested . I guess I wait to see if they call with an offer . I have a few things I can do , yet to make it look better and I will do those things . I am getting rid of my library slow but sure . All the stuff I hung onto for whatever stupid reason is going . Sentiment only goes so far . Today has stormed off and on , so I thought I get this in during a lull . I have been working on yet another baby layette . I am going to have another one to do soon , too . I cannot keep up with the demand . These two will make a dozen since January . The current one is for a girl . Waiting to hear what the next baby will be . I am hoping to get back to my novel . I want to get a couple more chapters done . I think since things are getting back to normal that I might be able to do that . Wait , is there such a thing as " normal ? " Probably not in my life . Anyway that should bring you up - to - date on my current happenings . TTFN Many of you know I live in a remodeled farmhouse . I use the term remodeled in it 's loosest sense . I have spent 24 years fixing the mistakes made by the guy who did this remodel . He was at best clueless . That however is another story . We put insulation under the living room kitchen the first year and added a garage . It has been painted on the outside . I had heat runs put in the living room / kitchen and upstairs about 12 years ago . It got a new furnace 10 yrs ago , the first one burned itself up . Then 8 yrs ago it need a new pump . The downstairs bedrooms all have wood floors . There was a new roof put on 2 years ago . Just the things you do while living in a house . The house is now too big and I am looking to move to a warmer year round climate . Not sure where that is yet , still looking . The house went up for sale a month ago . I put my for sale sign out front and no one has called . What a surprise ! Then I learned that there is a ground hog in the neighborhood . Okay , I am not an animal person . With the help of my Dad we put out two live traps . Lo and behold caught a ground hog today . Now what the heck do I do with it ? ? ? ? I called a pest control guy and he suggested that I get a 30 gallon garbage bag put the trap in that and fill it with water and drown the critter . Not going to happen . I called a friend who 's husband is a taxidermist to see what should happen . He came out , dispensed with the ground hog , buried it cleaned the trap and helped put rocks in the hole . YEAH ! ! ! Now for the good news . I got my first phone call on the house today . Which means I need to get off the computer and get busy making it look presentable . People are coming on Saturday . Please let them make an offer . Please let it be an offer I can live with . Where the heck am I going to live ? ? ? Not worried . I 'll figure that out in good time . Keep reading and I 'll keep you posted . What makes a blog good ? Why would people want to follow it ? What is the purpose of a blog ? Wow they were coming at me today like I couldn 't believe . I 'm not sure is the answer to each one of those . I have read plenty of blogs . Some I choose to follow because I personally know the person writing the blog , and others because of their content . There is no set reason for why I follow a blog . I think it depends on what I am looking for . I write a blog for several reasons . One I try to blog daily , it keeps me writing . Another is that it sometimes serves as a reference for where my brain is . My brain tends to travel in several directions at a time . Thirdly , I sometimes do what I call public service writing . I also use my blog for book reviews . Finally , it 's just another outlet for my writing . I enjoy doing it . I 'd like to have a big following . I 'm happy that I have a following at all . I don 't compare my following to the following on other blogs . I don 't write like other blogs . My sister 's nephew and his wife started blogging when they learned they were having quadruplets . That 's something totally different . Others write to vent . People follow blogs for as many reasons as we write them . Blogging is writing . I love writing . The two go hand - in - hand for me . If you find a blog you like follow it , let the blogger know someone is interested . I 've been back at the family history research again . The list of my ancestors is amazing . I am running down my Plantagenet side from Henry I of England . Henry is the fourth son of William the Conqueror and as such should never have reached the throne . Amazing what perseverance will get you . Funny thing is that he died from a fall off his horse in Normandy . He was able to reunite Normandy and England for a time . I also find it amazing that his daughter Matilda is his only legitimate heir and she was a great grandmother 21 times removed . It is through her that I am a Plantagenet . Henry however lost his wife at an early age and had several mistresses who bore him children . So I find him on my family tree as a great grandfather with at least one of his mistresses , Sybil Corbet . King Henry I had at least 18 illegitimate children . He had three legitimate heirs . His son William died young in a fire as did his first daughter . Queen Matilda was his third child . She eventually lost her bid for the throne to her cousin Stephen . British history is as amazing as it is twisted . Do not think there was not intrigue . There was plenty . They intermarried and had affairs which produced children . The least amount of scandal probably came under Queen Victoria , but I highly doubt the intrigue stopped . I have no desire to get into a tug - of - war with anyone for any throne . I don 't need the headaches . It is amazing to me that I share ancestors with the current royal family who are Windsors . It amazes me that Lady Margaret Beaufort Countess of Richmond and Derby and believed to be a pious and giving woman was one of the biggest plotters of intrigue and literally stole the throne for her own son , Henry VII . Yet , Lady Margaret shows up in my family tree because of the intermarriages of the royal children . I don 't think Court life was as wonderful as we have been led to believe . I think you had to be very careful what you said and did so that you kept your head . If someone with power over you told you to marry you married . Love never entered into it . Most were marriages of family and fortune . I 'd have been the rebellious one . I 'd have found my love and made a run for Gretna Green and asked forgiveness later . Wonder if I 'd have lost my head ? ? ? It 's possible . So I 'm reading a book that is supposed to tell me how to become a millionaire . I am all for something that will help me supplement retirement . Following the book I surveyed friends and former co - workers ( thank you to those who responded ) on my strengths and skills . I know the flaws . I needed to see what others saw . I made a spread sheet listing the skills , strengths , and ideas I had . I shared the spread sheet . Imagine my surprise when that person said , " Are you looking at non - profits ? " I went back to my spread sheet and sure enough , my ideas are better for non - profits than money making . Guess that 's where I am in my life . The stage where you give back . Yesterday I got something in the mail and glanced through it . A job was posted there . It 's only 24 hrs a week and is along the lines of one of my ideas . It would give me a little extra cash , but would not make me millions . I have some issues with one of their requirements . However they are church funded so , I don 't think I can argue it . I will let it pass . Something else will come along . I have pretty much accomplished nothing today unless you count thinking . I am looking for direction . My novels are going well . Life is good . I just need direction . I hate days when I get all philosophical . I question what my purpose is and why I am here . Only God has those answers . I mistakenly believed when I sat down to read this book that I was just going to read historical fiction . Imagine my surprise and delight to find so much more . Edward de Stafford rightful heir to the throne of England was cheated out of his birth right , money , love , and family . Edward 's father Duke Henry was beheaded for treason , when Edward was but a child . He is forced from his mother by edict of the most devious woman in British history , Lady Margaret Beaufort Countess of Richmond and Derby . Edward is sent to live with Lady Margaret as her ward . She is determined that Edward be kept from the throne in favor of her own son Henry . Edward is drawn to Eadie the daughter of one of Lady Margaret 's ladies - in - waiting . As they frolic in the woods Edward and Eadie become inseparable playmates and best friends . That friendship grows into a deep and abiding love . However , Edward 's station and servitude to Lady Margaret keeps him from making Eadie anything more than his mistress . Lady Margaret is the foundress of St . John 's and Christ 's colleges at Cambridge . She sends Edward there to separate him from Eadie and their daughter Abigail . Edward is forced to attend Cambridge under strict rules from Lady Margaret . While seen as a devout and pious woman , Lady Margaret is evil and bends people to her will . She robs Edward 's properties of their rents and arranges a marriage for him . Neither Edward nor his betrothed are eager for the wedding to take place . In fact , Alianore plots with her cousin to have Edward killed on two occasions . While neither attempt is successful the relationship between them does not improve . Edward the dutiful subject goes into service for his King ( Henry VII ) . When the fighting is over he heads for home , but is detained in celebration . Eadie finds her life in peril . She is being persecuted as a witch . Edward returns to his home to find his love , daughter , and mentor dead . It is with heart - wrenching sadness he bears them home . While the book is the life of Edward as seen through the eyes of the auat It 's been ages since I 've done a middle of the night blog . It 's 3 am and I am wide awake . I don 't get it . I turned off all electronics . . . computer and TV at 10pm . I finished a book I was reading by 11 : 30pm . Should have gone to sleep as soon as the lights were out . I was tired . Ah , someone forgot to tell my mind it was time to shut down . JJ Heller and Mark Lowry lyrics alternately ran through my head . When those exhausted themselves , my mind went to all the things I need to do . Let 's see write a review , post the review , work on the novel , housework , make a run to the Fish Store with dishes , run ISBN numbers off my books through half . com and see which ones they will buy , the list is endless . Finally at 1 : 30 am I decided to get up . Have I accomplished anything ? No . Am I tired ? Yes . Have I tried endless things to fall asleep ? Yes . I tried deep breathing and envisioning myself on the beach . Did it work ? Well , I 'm writing a blog , so I 'd guess not . Lack of sleep does not just leave me tired the next day it has health ramifications . My blood pressure will rise as will my blood sugars . No , I 'm not eating or drinking caffeine . When my body does not get the sleep it needs my whole system is off kilter . I hate days like this . Napping will not work as then I 'd be up another night . I have packed away the everyday dinner dishes . I will be giving them away . Probably to the Fish Store . I am eating off china from now on . No sense for it to just take up space in my cupboard . I have my push mower back in the garage along with my car . When the furniture goes then the rider will go back in there . Slow and steady accomplishments . I am currently in the process of getting my kitchen counters completely cleaned off . As soon as I do that , I can get my Dad up here to put in a range hood and back splash . There have been range hoods here over the years , but there is not one currently . There has never been a back splash , just a wall that has been well washed . I am excited about that . This gives me a chance to clean out pans and cookware I don 't use . time for it to go . I have a couple of ideas on my way to becoming a millionaire . I 'm not sure how to get them started . I am working out a plan of action on both later today . We will see which one I can pull off . I am excited to have a challenge put in front of me . Keep watching for which one I start on first . This must be the hardest lesson in life I thought , how could anyone be made to go through such a painful thing as having to watch mummy and Dad go their separate ways without the slightest consideration for me , I thought . That was my very first lesson in life , and even am over 30 years of age now it is still as painful as it was back when it happened , for I was just a boy of five . I couldn 't understand how two people could make a decision when there are 3 people involved , I think to rudest thing that could happen to anyone in life was to be disrespected , to be ' unheard , totally ignored and unvalued . Those weren 't the exact word I would have used to describe my feelings at the time , but in my own little way I yearned to be heard . To make matters worse , I was an only child and having no brothers and sisters meant I had to play on my own , fight my own battles and make my own entertainment . Looking back at my life today and how my one - parent upbringing has affected my relationships , I have come to understand how hard it must been for my parents to have to split just 6 years after they tied the knot . As a child you were scared with the psychological damaging effects of being brought up in a broken home for the rest of your life , and subconsciously it would affect a lot of the decisions you make later on in life , relationship - wise and otherwise and I was no exception to that rule , judging by the history of my relationships . Although I seemed to be settled in one now coming up to three years even though I still get the tendency to do a ' Tiger Woods ' , or maybe that is every man 's thing as my present partner would say , " bloody men , they can 't keep it in their pants " . I have read about people from a broken home committing gruesome atrocities and it kinds of make me wonder whether they are just using as a cover up for their atrocities , because the only thing I feel , being from a broken home myself is lack of maternal love and I don 't think I am doing bad at making up for that with the number of relationshipsAugust 02 , 2011 On - Line Dating a ScamPosted on August 2 , 2011 by Rebecka VigusI have attempted on - line dating this year . A friend met her new husband on - line and she highly recommends it . Let me tell you it is a scam . She is one of the lucky few who actually met a real man with values . I will list the sites I used and the first name only of the men I " met . " The first site was singlesnet . com . The site is free . I met David there . He was an architect with a big plan he was working on . He was supposedly in Florida , but I can find no architects there with his name . He was a widow with a 20 year old daughter . His daughter lived with his Mom in Ohio . He had good mid - western values . After two weeks he loved me and sent me a dozen red roses and a teddy bear . Since I was wintering in Texas they arrived at my landlady 's home . Two days later he wanted $ 2500 and was willing to help me find a bank or credit union so that I could get a loan . No , I did not get one . Nor did I try . I changed sites to mate1 . com . It is a free site for women . Joel was the first guy . His profile said he was in San Antonio , Texas . Gee , there might be a chance I could meet him . Keep laughing . Joel was a widower with a 14 year old son . He owned a company importing and exporting cars and car parts . Did I mention he lived in Liverpool , England ? The profile was a lie . After three weeks , and we did get to see each other on a webcam … no sound his computer sound was broken . ( Most likely not ) . He flew to Accara , Ghana where he was going to be for three months opening a branch of his business . Imagine his taxi driver took off with all his luggage , including working permits , money , laptop , and clothing . Could I send him a laptop . To a third world country and get on a national watch list ? ? ? ? You are kidding right ? His conversations became one word or were non - existent until the end of April … he was due home in May and wanted to be sure he could come see me . I don 't think so . Also on mate1 was Author Morgen . He turned out to be a gentleman from Ghana looking to marry a whitat Glad today is almost over . Thurs . picked up my granddaughter who helped me set up for a garage sale . It took us four hours to get things set up and priced . Then we went to my sister 's to swim and cool off . Friday morning we opened the garage door at 8 : 30 am . Sale started at 9 am . First people arrived 8 : 45 am . I never turn down potential customers . We were steady until noon . Megan proved herself to be a good sales person . She knew enough to take offers made if they sounded reasonable . By 4 : 30pm she was bored and ready to be done . So she took it up on herself to go out by the road and wave the garage sale sign around . While she did get people to honk at her , no sales materialized . We closed up shop and again went to the lake . She learned to drive the jet ski so was very happy and very exhausted . Saturday we awoke early and went to breakfast . Please let me tell you about breakfast . It said ' Please Wait for Hostess to Seat You . ' So Megan sat on a wooden bench then almost fell asleep . We had waited over five minutes and I was just about to leave when a Troll came to seat us . The woman had long grey hair , slightly unkempt . She was short and round . I think if she had smiled her face would have cracked . She seated us then walked away . Another five minutes passed and Megan was almost asleep again , when she arrived to take drink orders . We were ready to give our order , but she did not wait to hear that . In the meantime , several people have grown impatient at waiting to be seated and seated themselves . Most of them had the misfortune to seat themselves in the Troll 's section and she became even grumpier . She returned with our drinks and reluctantly took our order . Then she disappeared . She delivered drinks and took orders , but ours did not come . I was just about to ask about it when she came . Set Megan 's down and then mine and walked away . I said , ' Wait , ' but was ignored . The next thing I know Troll woman is back . She has given me the wrong order ( which I knew because I said ' Wait . ' ) . She then proceeds to take the plate in front of me and set down my order . I am again not pleased as my food is cold . I set it on the edge of the table . She came by and said I 'll take that for you . To which I responded , " Good , I 'm not eating cold food and don 't have the time for them to make me something hot . " She left returned with my bill , she had removed my charges . Megan had hardly eaten hers either . You need to know that the summer after my freshman year of college I waited tables . I know what it 's like to be a waitress . This lady did not even come close . We paid the bill and left . No , I did not leave a tip . Not even the penny that is usually left for awful waitresses . The Lumber Jack has lost a customer . What she did was not legal . Once you have set a meal on a table , you cannot pick it up and serve it to someone else . She should have known that . Megan chose to go back to sleep once we got home . No problem for me I am reading a book for review . So my first customers showed up at 8 : 50am . It was busy until 11 am . Then nothing . Megan is still sound asleep . I checked on her a couple of times . My parents showed up just after noon . Dad had come to fix my kitchen error . I 'd purchased a new refrigerator . . . mine had died . . . and it was 1 / 4 inch too tall . He just raised the kitchen cupboards and it was good as new . Yeah ! ! ! ! The drill woke Megan . Sales were off and on the rest of the day . All in all it was a good sale . We went with my parents to the lake , had dinner with my sister and her family . Dad and I rode as spotters in the speed boat as Megan and Lisa took to the tubes . Again Megan was worn out . I returned her to her Mom on Sunday . I was too tired to deal with the garage . I should also add that I discovered a new neighbor on Saturday . A very unwelcome ground hog is trying to tunnel under my foundation . Live traps have been set to get the little bugger . Today I awoke rested and ready to go . Habitat for Humanity is coming on Wed . to get the furniture for their resale store . I bagged up and delivered six bags of clothing to the Fish Store . . . a resale shop and outreach center . I still have books to get rid of . I hear that half . com will take some of them . So , I 'll be checking that tomorrow . I have some dishes to find a home for . The car can now be parked in the garage . Things are looking up . I also learned today that I will be guest blogging on www . readersparadiso . com / blog . You will have to watch for me there . I am glad today is almost over . Tomorrow will be equally as busy . After months of hard work , Rescue Mountain is making it 's debut . It is the product of a James Patterson class I took a year ago . Th . . . After months of hard work , Rescue Mountain is making it 's debut . It is the product of a James Patterson class I took a year ago . Th . . . Retired from teaching after 28 . 5 years . Have opened my own publishing company . Working with four authors . Happily in love with the man of my dreams , volunterring and loving it . Keeping active with yoga and walking . View my complete profile |
I will be away from my computer for a few days . Which is not totally true . I will be away from an Internet connection . I will be working on my novel and reading a book for editing and review . Try not to miss me . I am running away to my parents " country " home for a couple days . One of those I will spend with a friend who is camping about an hour from there . I am looking forward to that . Not seen her since before Christmas . . . way too long . I like being at the " country " home . No cell service , no Internet . I get lots of writing done when I am there . It won 't be as much as usual because I will be gone for a day , but it should be a big chunk . That is always good . Yes , I have a land line phone there in case of emergency and those who know me well , have the number and can reach me . I like the peacefulness there . The wildlife the lack of people , yep that 's where I want to be . This is the first summer in a long time that I have not gone there for a week or at least part of a couple week - ends . Just too much to do this summer , getting the house ready for sale . So while I am gone to unwind and relax you all stay out of trouble and I will try to have something witty to impart when I return . It took about 45 min . yesterday to get my laptop up and running . We put in a 2 gb memory card to boost the memory and speed up the machine . We talked about what I should be looking for in a new computer . To my chagrin , Dell is second only to Mac in the laptop division . I know that I need a pro or ultima when I buy so that too helps . Kudos to Diane for being an awesome computer person and down right nice lady . She fixed my computer on her day off . Looking for computer help in the West Branch , MI area be sure to check out the Computer Genie . She is that . I am in the middle of reading the most delightful book I 've ever come across . It was written by a man in the UK and the humor is just wonderful . I will give a full review when I have finished . I am also working on my own novel . I am hoping to get a couple more chapters in this week . I am ready to get this moving . It needs a good thirty thousand words before it will be finished . Time to get busy . It is so nice to be connected again . I am shopping for a new laptop , but am no longer in a hurry . I can wait for the sales . This morning the WiFi in my laptop stopped working . The tragedy here is that I did not realize how much I 'd come to depend on my Internet access . I do my bill paying on - line for a lot of my bills , my blog , my sales at half . com , not to mention the games I play with friends and the fact that it helps me keep in touch with family and friends who are not local . I fired up the PC , that has not been used for much of anything since 2008 and started deleting programs so that I could regain some speed . It has been made WiFi so that is no issue , but it is so slow I have stopped using it . I have a call into a friend who does computer repair . I am not sure the laptop can be salvaged and that will break my heart as my new website that I had hoped to launch today is saved on the laptop . I do not know if it can be saved to a flash drive , but I will be finding that out later . The laptop has been acting up for a couple of weeks , freezing several times a day requiring a reboot of the system . I am afraid to run a systems check as I know it is going to tell me that the motherboard is going for the third time . I really hate the idea of putting a third motherboard into it . I need a new one , but not at this time . I need this one to hold out just a while longer . Alas , I maybe hitting up the Geek Squad by the end of the week , or worse yet investing in a new one . Just glad I had a backup today . Today I learned that Michael Palmer is hosting an opportunity to write with him . You get your shot by submitting 220 words that would come next in his short story . There is a daily chance to enter this week . I have submitted my first 220 words . I would be flattered to make it to the top five . I 'd be honored to be the one chosen for the day to be included as part of his short story . It is a chance to hone my writing skills . Two hundred twenty words is not much to work with . Keeping the tone of someone else 's writing is also a trick . Every writer has their own style and the idea is that you match the style as best you can . I like a challenge . In 220 words , you set the scene , tension , and tone for the whole thing . It 's a short scene like an act in a play . It 's also called flash fiction . Some people can write the whole story in that many words . As a novelist , it is a challenge to do all that . It will be exciting to see who wins and who gets left behind . I was just thrilled for the chance to do it . TTFN " I will keep a patrol going by your place or you can continue staying with me . We have the District Attorney on board with all the information you and Anna dug up he has a lot to answer for . Anna 's name on it so that it won 't be considered tainted . You are just the victim . He will not be offered bail , because he has no ties to the community and is a flight risk , " he answered with confidence . Our order came and we ate . Then we drove to the court house . The courtroom was filled with old wood that made you feel almost reverent when you entered . We sat in the courtroom and listened to the District Attorney give all the reasons that Bannister should be remanded to custody . His court appointed lawyer did not object . Bannister was fuming at the remand . He knew he 'd have to wait awhile for his sister to arrive . The trial went on for five days . Bannister 's slick sister , the lawyer , was defending him . The surprise was that Allen Bannister Sr . was there every day . The white haired man sat erectly as he heard every word that described his worthless son . On the day the case went to the jury he approached me . " First , I want to say that I am sorry for what my son has done to you . He has always been a disappointment . Second , I would like to congratulate you for the thorough job you did investigating him . There are many things about him I did not know . Finally , I have a trust fund to dispense with . " " That 's what I want to talk to you about . You are way too intelligent to have been my son 's child . I understand that he has besmirched your mother 's reputation and caused untold hurt to you and your father . I 'd like to take his half of the trust and put it into a fund that will care for your mother for the rest of her life . On her death , the remainder will go to your father . The rest I would like you to have . " " I know I don 't , but I have no other children and I 'd like something good to come of it . For my part , I 'd like to know that if I need an investigator in the future I could call on you . I would be honored if you would accept this . " I talked to Dad about this over dinner . He was adamant at first that he wanted no blood money from the Bannisters . I told him to sleep on it . We could talk in the morning . Allen Bannister Jr . was found guilty of kidnapping and possession of a date rape drug . He was sentenced to twenty - five to life . Life for Dad and I went back to normal . Me just hoping I would not awaken again in a jail cell . If you enjoyed this story please let me know . I think there should be a second one so you know what happened when the trust fund money arrived . Had the thought that I might do a series of short stories on Sam Worth . He handed me the file with the DNA report . Dad shook his hand and we walked out . The ride to the police department didn 't take long . They told Dad , Bannister was in an interrogation room . We walked in together . " What you want doesn 't much matter . A public defender has been called until your lawyer can get here . I just thought I 'd let Sam read the list of charges , " the Chief replied . " Wrong , scumbag , I have every right to be here . You are first being charged with kidnapping , then there is the issue of the Rohypnol , finally there is the charge of impersonation . " I was enjoying this . " I had one done with my father . Those tests are correct . You aren 't my father . This is a good thing , because I have a file on you that will bury you in some stinking jail cell for a great number of years . You 'll probably be too old to father an heir when you see the outside again . " " I have no idea what you are talking about . I want this woman out of here . I also want a private DNA test done . She is my daughter , " Bannister continued to insist looking at the Chief . I turned and walked out , too angry with this spoiled rich man to care . I passed the public defender on his way to the conference room . I went to the other conference room . In a couple of minutes Anna joined me . " So , how 's it going ? " she asked care and concern filling her voice . " I have the DNA test that says that scumbag in no relation to me . I should be happy . Instead I just want to bury him in a jail cell for a long long time . " Shrugging I tossed the file on the table . " It will take time , Sam . This man wanted you to be someone you 're not . That 's hard to take . " Anna 's presence was comforting . " No problem . It 's just a part of the ' protect and serve ' . " She left me and went back to her job . The Chief found me sitting at the table . After we had ordered Dad said , " I 'm sorry we had to do the DNA test . Your mother is a good woman . She would never have wanted you to know there was a chance you were not mine . " " It 's a dead issue . I am yours . That 's not what bothers me . I 'm afraid he 'll make bail and I won 't be safe . " I looked at Dad rarely did I let him see my fear . Anna printed the photo . She wanted to have a hard copy when Dad got here . She also saved the photo to a disk . We shut down the computer and went to wait . " Barstow wanted me to find his daughter . He sent me a ten year old photo of her . Dad , who is this guy and why does he think I 'm his daughter ? " I wanted to know . Dad sat and just looked at me . I could see he was measuring what he wanted to say . I waited . Anna left the room presumably to give us some privacy . " He may be your biological father . Your mother was pregnant when I married her . The guy had run off . I didn 't care . I loved your mother . Her child would be mine . We were never able to have children and I figured it was my fault . I am legally your father . This man Barstow , and that is not his real name , is looking for an heir . He is Allen Bannister Jr . and once he produces one he will inherit a trust worth millions . But the money is tied up awaiting an heir . The trust will be divided equally between the heir and Bannister . " " I never really thought about it , " he answered me honestly . " I knew she 'd been thrown over by this guy and ours was a whirlwind romance . I wasn 't even sure she loved me at first . " Anna appeared nodding her head yes . The three of us left , Anna following in her car . It took no time to reach the medical examiner 's office . Doc Watson was quick to take cheek swabs . He told us it would be a couple weeks but he 'd put a rush on it . In the meantime , Anna and I were going back to the house . I wanted to know everything I could about the man I knew as Barstow . We arrived at home , Anna threw some sandwiches together , grabbed a couple bottles of water and we booted up the computer . We started with a people search of Allen Bannister Jr . Once we got a photo of him we went on to search his family . A quick credit card to Intellus and we had a fountain of information . Bannister was the family bad boy . He had a sister who was a lawyer , a brother who was a doctor , and he seemed to be the wastrel . I couldn 't see where he 'd finished college , but he 'd attended four . He hadn 't held a job for more than a year . There were a couple of tickets for DUI - driving under the influence . He 'd had some gambling debts and it would seem a couple of incidents with women that had been hushed up . Apparently he had no children . I didn 't want this man to be my father . I didn 't want his money or his name . I left the room frustrated . Anna had printed off all the information we 'd found . She also found an empty file folder and put it in there . She slowly followed me to the kitchen . " Sam , what do you want to do with this ? " she asked waving the folder . " How 'd he get that photograph of me ? I remember that day at the beach . I was with a bunch of school friends . I don 't remember anyone taking pictures of me . " I was pacing like a caged lion now . " Any good investigator can take photos from long distance . You know that . You 've gotten some shots that have helped us when we couldn 't get close . " " Yeah , I suppose . This is just so disturbing . " I don 't know what was more frustrating , that this man could be my father or that he thought so little of me that he 'd drug me and leave alone and unprotected . Anna and I spent the next two weeks hacking into every file that held information on Allen Bannister Jr . We learned that he was broke and owed large amounts of money to some on - line gambling establishments . He appeared to live the high life and he treated people badly . His scrapes with the law always managed to go away . Either his lawyer sister got the charges dropped or his wealthy father must have put out large sums of money to make them go away . So , when Dad called to say Doc Watson had DNA results , I felt armed to battle this man who claimed to be my father . We had an appointment with Doc Watson in the morning . I tossed and turned all night , was up early , showered , dressed , and making breakfast when Dad came down the stairs . I poured him coffee and he sat at the counter . When I had breakfast on plates we moved to the table . " Yes , Dad , I want this over one way or the other . With Anna 's help I have enough information on the man to make him go away . Not to mention he left ME on the side of the road drugged . " We finished breakfast in silence and I did the dishes . Then we headed to the car and drove to the ME 's office . Doc was waiting for us and took us to his office . " Well , I don 't know who this guy is , but he 's barking up the wrong tree . I won 't ask Chief , but I cannot imagine that you needed a test to know that this high spirited young woman is your daughter . I did run the DNA and voila the results are as I suspected Samantha is your daughter . " I could hardly contain myself . I threw my arms around Dad . " Well , this has all paid off . We can now add kidnapping to the charges against him . " I beamed . The Chief 's phone rang at that moment . " Excuse me , " he said as he stood to walk across the room . " This is the Chief . Uh - huh . Okay . I 'll tell her . Thanks . " " So , what big plans do we have for the day ? I brought my own car so we 'd be less conspicuous if we go out . " She was always eager to help . " I don 't know , maybe web surf on Dad 's computer . I may be able to remote access my files . I need to know what Barstow wanted to hire me for . Maybe then I 'll know what it is I cannot remember . " We went to Dad 's office I booted up the computer , typed in the link to my website , and logged in . I went to the section I kept on potential customers . Then I opened the file on Barstow . Anna and I quickly read through my notes . Nothing seemed out of the ordinary . He wanted me to find his missing daughter . He 'd lost track of her after he divorced her mother . We agreed to meet . " Did he e - mail you a photo ? " she asked . Excitedly she said , " Here let me look . " I slid off the chair and let Anna sit down . Then pulled another chair alongside her . She typed quickly and accessed all my photos . Sure enough there was a file that said Barstow . I was almost afraid to look . When the picture came up I was floored . It was a picture of me , taken at the beach about ten years ago . How did he come to have this photo ? Who was this man ? " Agnes , this is Sam is my dad in yet ? " " He 's just walking through the door . Hold on a minute . " The next voice I heard was Dad 's , " What 's up ? " " I need you to come home . Anna and I found something on the computer you need to see . " The seriousness of my voice had him on alert . Anna printed the photo . She wanted to have a hard copy when Dad got here . She also saved the photo to a disk . We shut down the computer and went to wait . " Barstow wanted me to find his daughter . He sent me a ten year old photo of her . Dad , who is this guy and why does he think I 'm his daughter ? " I wanted to know . Dad sat and just looked at me . I could see he was measuring what he wanted to say . I waited . Anna left the room presumably to give us some privacy . " He may be your biological father . Your mother was pregnant when I married her . The guy had run off . I didn 't care . I loved your mother . Her child would be mine . We were never able to have children and I figured it was my fault . I am legally your father . This man Barstow , and that is not his real name , is looking for an heir . He is Allen Bannister Jr . and once he produces one he will inherit a trust worth millions . But the money is tied up awaiting an heir . The trust will be divided equally between the heir and Bannister . " We drove to the bank , talked to the manager , and went to get the safety deposit box . It was as it had always been . It held my grandmother 's jewelry and some savings bonds my mother had for me . With help from the bank manager , the box was changed and a new key was issued . The Chief drove me to my apartment where I got some clothing and then he took me home . I went up stairs took a long shower and changed . When I came down , there were two officers in the living room . I knew them both . Anna Wilkins , a petite good - natured officer , was assigned inside the house and Jack Adams , tall and lanky with a desire to please , was going to be in the car outside . The Chief went back to the office to find out the status of the BOLO and finish up his day . He called the administrator of the nursing home . He wanted no one in his wife 's room that was not personally known to the staff . A man claiming to be from the church had shown up today . He was not from the church . That taken care of he needed to find the man Barstow and find out what he wanted . Later in the day when , I awoke , I felt refreshed . I dressed and wandered downstairs to find something to eat . I found Anna in the kitchen and wonderful aromas wafting out . " Afternoon , Sam , hope you don 't mind my taking over the kitchen . The Chief will be home in about half an hour . If you can wait that long , I 'll have dinner ready for you . " " Anna , that 's great ! I can wait . But I need a bottle of water , " I told her . Anna reached into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water . She handed it to me . I took it and sat at the counter . " I talked to Molly today . She came to see you when her set was done . She had trouble getting you away from the man you were with . When she did you weren 't too coherent . You gave her the key and told her what it was for . She said you weren 't too steady on your feet , " Molly told me . I shrugged and drank some water . Something was niggling at the back of my brain . Something I knew would be important . Try as I might , I couldn 't grab onto it . The Chief arrived Anna and I put dinner on the table . I asked Anna to stay but she said she needed to get home to her husband . She left and we sat down to dinner . " Do we have night coverage , too ? Maybe we should take them some of this delicious pork . " I said trying to figure out how serious this situation was . " Just a precaution I also took care of your mother , too , " he told me . I nodded and continued to eat my dinner . After dinner Dad and I took coffee into the den . We watched some TV together then I turned in for the night . I slept a very restless sleep , filled with images running into each other . Jesse Barstow kept running through my head . What had he wanted me to do ? Why had he hired me ? Why had he drugged me ? How did my mother fit in ? I awoke tired and still drawing a blank . Dad had coffee on when I came down the stairs . He had just put bacon in the pan . He looked up and said , " Couldn 't sleep either ? " " I 'd just finished up for Molly , so the job offer by Barstow would have been the next thing . I 'm going to call and see if I have any messages . " I went to the phone called my office and checked my voice mail . There was a cryptic message from the voice of Barstow . " So , you are a hot shot PI ? I really don 't think so . You fell for the oldest con in the book . It was so easy to get you where I wanted you . " I replayed it so Dad could listen . He sent Anna over to get the tape and take it in to be analyzed . I called my home to check the voice mail there . There was none . At least he hasn 't got my home number . I was careful not to give that out to clients . My office and cell phones were for business . Anna showed up as Dad came down the stairs . He nodded to me and said to both of us . " You girls keep out of trouble . " Then he left . The Chief came back as I was finishing the second donut . He shook his head , " Beats me how you can eat that stuff and still be thin as a rail . I ran a check on this Jesse Barstow . Seems he has a yellow sheet longer than your arm . He 's quite the confidence man . I can 't believe you fell for him . " " I 'm not sure I did . I think he could 've been the person who drugged me . I went to the Escape looking for Molly Marshfield . The key belongs to her . It was for her mother 's safe deposit box . I just can 't seem to remember the numbers and what they were about . " " No , he 'd called earlier in the day . He 'd wanted me to find someone . Since I had to go see Molly , I told him to meet me at the Escape . " " I don 't remember . I don 't know how I got it or what it was about . " I shook my head hoping to bring the memory back . " Well , you seem to be okay now . I didn 't want to send you home last night if you were facing some kind of danger . I 've put out a BOLO ( Be On the Look Out ) for Barstow . I have some questions for him . Want a lift to your place ? " the Chief asked . Yeah , my dad is the Chief of Police . We try to see Mom two or three times a week . She has Alzheimer 's and is confined to the local nursing home . Sometimes it is easier if we both go together . I was ready when Dad came back . We drove to the home in silence . I knew he did not like my choice of career . He hadn 't liked it when I was on the police force either . He didn 't think it was a job for a girl … . especially not his little girl . In an instant the lights and siren were on . We flew through town . I was out of the car and running before Dad came to a complete stop . Nurses and administrators were coming out the front door to see what the commotion was . I bowled past them headed for Mom 's room . She looked up as I entered . " Samantha , dear , have you been running again ? You know it 's not lady like , " she admonished like a thousand other times in my life . " I know Mom . " I took a minute to take in her surroundings . Nothing seemed out of place . " Why yes , that new young man from the church came in . He left his card . " She handed me the card . Sure enough the name was Jesse Barstow . I handed it to Dad . " We were just worried about you , Mom , " I told her my hand going to her snow white hair in a caress . " I 'm fine . These people take good care of me , " she said a serene smile on her face . Dad stepped over to her . " Helen , we were just concerned . We have to leave now , but we 'll be back later . " He kissed her and walked out of the room . " This is the key to your mother 's safe deposit box . I had them check the bank and find out who the key belonged to . I want to go and see if he got into it . " I woke slowly aware this was not my own bed , nor my room . My head ached , and as I took in my surroundings , I noticed the bars . How did I end up in jail ? I sat up slowly holding my head , unable to remember what had happened last night . The first was the book of matches . I turned them over slowly and read the name on the package , Escape Gentleman 's Club . What on earth was I doing with these ? I 'm not a smoker . Why had I been there ? The next item was a napkin . It too had the emblem of Escape on it and a number . It wasn 't a phone number as there weren 't enough numbers . This was becoming a puzzle . There was also a key . It was not a car key . Motels use key cards so that was out . When I turned it over it had " Bank of Michigan " imprinted on it . This might be a safe deposit box key , but I didn 't have a safety deposit box . Item number four looked like a worm . Oh heavens , the worm from a tequila bottle . I never ate those . How did it get in my pocket ? Disgusting , I shivered . I followed quietly still pondering the items in my pocket . I was put in a small conference room . Coffee and donuts were on a counter along one wall . " Go ahead , help yourself . The Chief will be here in a minute . " I took a cup of coffee added a ton of sugar and a bit of milk . Then I took a jelly donut from the box . I 'd just started on the donut when the Chief walked in . " Let me see if I can fill in some of the blanks . One of my officers found you wandering down the street at about one o ' clock this morning . He recognized you and brought you here . You seemed to be in some kind of state and were non - responsive to questions . I had them take a blood sample and run it for toxins . Someone slipped you Rohypnol , the date rape drug . I immediately had them take you to ER . They ran a rape kit , but it came back negative . Someone was trying to put you out of business , Sam . What do you remember ? I reached into my pocket and pulled out the five items . Slowly things started to fall into place . I 'd been hired by Jesse Barstow to find someone . He 'd met me to Escape where I 'd picked up the matchbook . The key and the napkin were still a bit of a mystery . I explained what I could to the Chief . We looked at the key and the number on the napkin . He also took the business card . As I sat there finishing my coffee I went for another donut . There was still a big blank . Why didn 't they keep me at the hospital ? I 'd have to ask the Chief about that one . As a private investigator , the police department held me in as much esteem as they would a pile of dung . I 'd paid my dues in the department and that counted for something . I am often asked where I get the ideas for my novels . Honestly , they come from my warped mind . They come from life or the possibilities in life . I people watch . I create backgrounds for some of the people I see . They become characters . I read , read , and read more . I knew for my first book that my main character was going to be a librarian . I have two handwritten starts that went nowhere . As it turned out my librarian died in the first few pages . Not at all where I was starting . Sometimes you have to let the story tell itself . In my second book I was given three words to use in the first sentence . I started with my arsonist watching his handiwork from a place above the fire . My lead investigator was on the ground . Many people who read the book thought for a while that they were one in the same . In my third book it was the setting that was the start for the story . Imagine that I would write about a school . With a few minor adjustments , the school in my story was my elementary school . You would have to know me well to have known that . For my current novel . I have used a family name for my main character . Since this character is the hero I don 't think there will be any objections . The idea was to introduce a town and some characters and make it a three book series . I started with a cold case that went places even I never dreamed . I also started by taking a room description I wrote as an undergrad and making it better . Characters become real to a writer . Yes , I have conversations with them . We even argue . My characters have to stay true to who they are . Sometimes they take me in directions I never even consider . If it works , all the better . I try to take on subjects that could happen , that might happen , that have happened in some way . I have murder , arson , stalking and and cold case . In the second book in my series I am taking on bullying when it gets to the stage where things are illegal . I have no idea yet where the third book will take me . I went to Texas for inspiration . I don 't know if I found it but time will tell . I 've been to Arizona and New Mexico . I 've traveled in Kentucky , Tennessee , and North Carolina . So far none have made it into my books , but that doesn 't mean they won 't . I take photos of every place I go so I can refresh my memory if I choose to write about them . My hotel room in Scottsdale , Az . I even took photos of the beamed ceiling and the stocked fridge . I took photos in my Aunt and Uncle 's bed and breakfast . Places need to be authentic . I will use the photos if this is the type of room or place I need . Write your ideas down . I have journals full of ideas . Some might even make it into stories . Some may not . The more you have the more chance you have of using them . Happy writing . I 've missed a couple days of blogging . So , let me catch you up . Got a phone call on Thursday about my house . The house that is for sale . The couple was going to come on Saturday . So , I cancelled my Friday plans . . . thank you , Sally for letting me reschedule . . . and went into marathon house cleaning . As I have been tearing the place apart for two years trying to get rid of stuff and have my spare bedroom ready for paint and new flooring , the place was a wreck . I 've also just finished a garage sale and have some of that stuff around . I will admit the upstairs bedroom is still a wreck but at least it 's a neat wreck . I am still working on some small things . I 'm hoping to get my dad up here soon to put in the back splash and range hood . Then I 'm done with anything I 'm doing in this room . The major thing is the spare bathroom needing to be replumbed . Grr . . . . but that is the last of the major things . I ache all over but I feel better for having done it . The couple came about 1 pm today . They brought her dad with them . They are looking for acreage because they have two dogs . I have 2 . 81 acres . There is also a built in dog house in my garage , completely insulated . I did not get a read on whether or not they were interested . I guess I wait to see if they call with an offer . I have a few things I can do , yet to make it look better and I will do those things . I am getting rid of my library slow but sure . All the stuff I hung onto for whatever stupid reason is going . Sentiment only goes so far . Today has stormed off and on , so I thought I get this in during a lull . I have been working on yet another baby layette . I am going to have another one to do soon , too . I cannot keep up with the demand . These two will make a dozen since January . The current one is for a girl . Waiting to hear what the next baby will be . I am hoping to get back to my novel . I want to get a couple more chapters done . I think since things are getting back to normal that I might be able to do that . Wait , is there such a thing as " normal ? " Probably not in my life . Anyway that should bring you up - to - date on my current happenings . TTFN Many of you know I live in a remodeled farmhouse . I use the term remodeled in it 's loosest sense . I have spent 24 years fixing the mistakes made by the guy who did this remodel . He was at best clueless . That however is another story . We put insulation under the living room kitchen the first year and added a garage . It has been painted on the outside . I had heat runs put in the living room / kitchen and upstairs about 12 years ago . It got a new furnace 10 yrs ago , the first one burned itself up . Then 8 yrs ago it need a new pump . The downstairs bedrooms all have wood floors . There was a new roof put on 2 years ago . Just the things you do while living in a house . The house is now too big and I am looking to move to a warmer year round climate . Not sure where that is yet , still looking . The house went up for sale a month ago . I put my for sale sign out front and no one has called . What a surprise ! Then I learned that there is a ground hog in the neighborhood . Okay , I am not an animal person . With the help of my Dad we put out two live traps . Lo and behold caught a ground hog today . Now what the heck do I do with it ? ? ? ? I called a pest control guy and he suggested that I get a 30 gallon garbage bag put the trap in that and fill it with water and drown the critter . Not going to happen . I called a friend who 's husband is a taxidermist to see what should happen . He came out , dispensed with the ground hog , buried it cleaned the trap and helped put rocks in the hole . YEAH ! ! ! Now for the good news . I got my first phone call on the house today . Which means I need to get off the computer and get busy making it look presentable . People are coming on Saturday . Please let them make an offer . Please let it be an offer I can live with . Where the heck am I going to live ? ? ? Not worried . I 'll figure that out in good time . Keep reading and I 'll keep you posted . What makes a blog good ? Why would people want to follow it ? What is the purpose of a blog ? Wow they were coming at me today like I couldn 't believe . I 'm not sure is the answer to each one of those . I have read plenty of blogs . Some I choose to follow because I personally know the person writing the blog , and others because of their content . There is no set reason for why I follow a blog . I think it depends on what I am looking for . I write a blog for several reasons . One I try to blog daily , it keeps me writing . Another is that it sometimes serves as a reference for where my brain is . My brain tends to travel in several directions at a time . Thirdly , I sometimes do what I call public service writing . I also use my blog for book reviews . Finally , it 's just another outlet for my writing . I enjoy doing it . I 'd like to have a big following . I 'm happy that I have a following at all . I don 't compare my following to the following on other blogs . I don 't write like other blogs . My sister 's nephew and his wife started blogging when they learned they were having quadruplets . That 's something totally different . Others write to vent . People follow blogs for as many reasons as we write them . Blogging is writing . I love writing . The two go hand - in - hand for me . If you find a blog you like follow it , let the blogger know someone is interested . I 've been back at the family history research again . The list of my ancestors is amazing . I am running down my Plantagenet side from Henry I of England . Henry is the fourth son of William the Conqueror and as such should never have reached the throne . Amazing what perseverance will get you . Funny thing is that he died from a fall off his horse in Normandy . He was able to reunite Normandy and England for a time . I also find it amazing that his daughter Matilda is his only legitimate heir and she was a great grandmother 21 times removed . It is through her that I am a Plantagenet . Henry however lost his wife at an early age and had several mistresses who bore him children . So I find him on my family tree as a great grandfather with at least one of his mistresses , Sybil Corbet . King Henry I had at least 18 illegitimate children . He had three legitimate heirs . His son William died young in a fire as did his first daughter . Queen Matilda was his third child . She eventually lost her bid for the throne to her cousin Stephen . British history is as amazing as it is twisted . Do not think there was not intrigue . There was plenty . They intermarried and had affairs which produced children . The least amount of scandal probably came under Queen Victoria , but I highly doubt the intrigue stopped . I have no desire to get into a tug - of - war with anyone for any throne . I don 't need the headaches . It is amazing to me that I share ancestors with the current royal family who are Windsors . It amazes me that Lady Margaret Beaufort Countess of Richmond and Derby and believed to be a pious and giving woman was one of the biggest plotters of intrigue and literally stole the throne for her own son , Henry VII . Yet , Lady Margaret shows up in my family tree because of the intermarriages of the royal children . I don 't think Court life was as wonderful as we have been led to believe . I think you had to be very careful what you said and did so that you kept your head . If someone with power over you told you to marry you married . Love never entered into it . Most were marriages of family and fortune . I 'd have been the rebellious one . I 'd have found my love and made a run for Gretna Green and asked forgiveness later . Wonder if I 'd have lost my head ? ? ? It 's possible . So I 'm reading a book that is supposed to tell me how to become a millionaire . I am all for something that will help me supplement retirement . Following the book I surveyed friends and former co - workers ( thank you to those who responded ) on my strengths and skills . I know the flaws . I needed to see what others saw . I made a spread sheet listing the skills , strengths , and ideas I had . I shared the spread sheet . Imagine my surprise when that person said , " Are you looking at non - profits ? " I went back to my spread sheet and sure enough , my ideas are better for non - profits than money making . Guess that 's where I am in my life . The stage where you give back . Yesterday I got something in the mail and glanced through it . A job was posted there . It 's only 24 hrs a week and is along the lines of one of my ideas . It would give me a little extra cash , but would not make me millions . I have some issues with one of their requirements . However they are church funded so , I don 't think I can argue it . I will let it pass . Something else will come along . I have pretty much accomplished nothing today unless you count thinking . I am looking for direction . My novels are going well . Life is good . I just need direction . I hate days when I get all philosophical . I question what my purpose is and why I am here . Only God has those answers . I mistakenly believed when I sat down to read this book that I was just going to read historical fiction . Imagine my surprise and delight to find so much more . Edward de Stafford rightful heir to the throne of England was cheated out of his birth right , money , love , and family . Edward 's father Duke Henry was beheaded for treason , when Edward was but a child . He is forced from his mother by edict of the most devious woman in British history , Lady Margaret Beaufort Countess of Richmond and Derby . Edward is sent to live with Lady Margaret as her ward . She is determined that Edward be kept from the throne in favor of her own son Henry . Edward is drawn to Eadie the daughter of one of Lady Margaret 's ladies - in - waiting . As they frolic in the woods Edward and Eadie become inseparable playmates and best friends . That friendship grows into a deep and abiding love . However , Edward 's station and servitude to Lady Margaret keeps him from making Eadie anything more than his mistress . Lady Margaret is the foundress of St . John 's and Christ 's colleges at Cambridge . She sends Edward there to separate him from Eadie and their daughter Abigail . Edward is forced to attend Cambridge under strict rules from Lady Margaret . While seen as a devout and pious woman , Lady Margaret is evil and bends people to her will . She robs Edward 's properties of their rents and arranges a marriage for him . Neither Edward nor his betrothed are eager for the wedding to take place . In fact , Alianore plots with her cousin to have Edward killed on two occasions . While neither attempt is successful the relationship between them does not improve . Edward the dutiful subject goes into service for his King ( Henry VII ) . When the fighting is over he heads for home , but is detained in celebration . Eadie finds her life in peril . She is being persecuted as a witch . Edward returns to his home to find his love , daughter , and mentor dead . It is with heart - wrenching sadness he bears them home . While the book is the life of Edward as seen through the eyes of the auat It 's been ages since I 've done a middle of the night blog . It 's 3 am and I am wide awake . I don 't get it . I turned off all electronics . . . computer and TV at 10pm . I finished a book I was reading by 11 : 30pm . Should have gone to sleep as soon as the lights were out . I was tired . Ah , someone forgot to tell my mind it was time to shut down . JJ Heller and Mark Lowry lyrics alternately ran through my head . When those exhausted themselves , my mind went to all the things I need to do . Let 's see write a review , post the review , work on the novel , housework , make a run to the Fish Store with dishes , run ISBN numbers off my books through half . com and see which ones they will buy , the list is endless . Finally at 1 : 30 am I decided to get up . Have I accomplished anything ? No . Am I tired ? Yes . Have I tried endless things to fall asleep ? Yes . I tried deep breathing and envisioning myself on the beach . Did it work ? Well , I 'm writing a blog , so I 'd guess not . Lack of sleep does not just leave me tired the next day it has health ramifications . My blood pressure will rise as will my blood sugars . No , I 'm not eating or drinking caffeine . When my body does not get the sleep it needs my whole system is off kilter . I hate days like this . Napping will not work as then I 'd be up another night . I have packed away the everyday dinner dishes . I will be giving them away . Probably to the Fish Store . I am eating off china from now on . No sense for it to just take up space in my cupboard . I have my push mower back in the garage along with my car . When the furniture goes then the rider will go back in there . Slow and steady accomplishments . I am currently in the process of getting my kitchen counters completely cleaned off . As soon as I do that , I can get my Dad up here to put in a range hood and back splash . There have been range hoods here over the years , but there is not one currently . There has never been a back splash , just a wall that has been well washed . I am excited about that . This gives me a chance to clean out pans and cookware I don 't use . time for it to go . I have a couple of ideas on my way to becoming a millionaire . I 'm not sure how to get them started . I am working out a plan of action on both later today . We will see which one I can pull off . I am excited to have a challenge put in front of me . Keep watching for which one I start on first . This must be the hardest lesson in life I thought , how could anyone be made to go through such a painful thing as having to watch mummy and Dad go their separate ways without the slightest consideration for me , I thought . That was my very first lesson in life , and even am over 30 years of age now it is still as painful as it was back when it happened , for I was just a boy of five . I couldn 't understand how two people could make a decision when there are 3 people involved , I think to rudest thing that could happen to anyone in life was to be disrespected , to be ' unheard , totally ignored and unvalued . Those weren 't the exact word I would have used to describe my feelings at the time , but in my own little way I yearned to be heard . To make matters worse , I was an only child and having no brothers and sisters meant I had to play on my own , fight my own battles and make my own entertainment . Looking back at my life today and how my one - parent upbringing has affected my relationships , I have come to understand how hard it must been for my parents to have to split just 6 years after they tied the knot . As a child you were scared with the psychological damaging effects of being brought up in a broken home for the rest of your life , and subconsciously it would affect a lot of the decisions you make later on in life , relationship - wise and otherwise and I was no exception to that rule , judging by the history of my relationships . Although I seemed to be settled in one now coming up to three years even though I still get the tendency to do a ' Tiger Woods ' , or maybe that is every man 's thing as my present partner would say , " bloody men , they can 't keep it in their pants " . I have read about people from a broken home committing gruesome atrocities and it kinds of make me wonder whether they are just using as a cover up for their atrocities , because the only thing I feel , being from a broken home myself is lack of maternal love and I don 't think I am doing bad at making up for that with the number of relationshipsAugust 02 , 2011 On - Line Dating a ScamPosted on August 2 , 2011 by Rebecka VigusI have attempted on - line dating this year . A friend met her new husband on - line and she highly recommends it . Let me tell you it is a scam . She is one of the lucky few who actually met a real man with values . I will list the sites I used and the first name only of the men I " met . " The first site was singlesnet . com . The site is free . I met David there . He was an architect with a big plan he was working on . He was supposedly in Florida , but I can find no architects there with his name . He was a widow with a 20 year old daughter . His daughter lived with his Mom in Ohio . He had good mid - western values . After two weeks he loved me and sent me a dozen red roses and a teddy bear . Since I was wintering in Texas they arrived at my landlady 's home . Two days later he wanted $ 2500 and was willing to help me find a bank or credit union so that I could get a loan . No , I did not get one . Nor did I try . I changed sites to mate1 . com . It is a free site for women . Joel was the first guy . His profile said he was in San Antonio , Texas . Gee , there might be a chance I could meet him . Keep laughing . Joel was a widower with a 14 year old son . He owned a company importing and exporting cars and car parts . Did I mention he lived in Liverpool , England ? The profile was a lie . After three weeks , and we did get to see each other on a webcam … no sound his computer sound was broken . ( Most likely not ) . He flew to Accara , Ghana where he was going to be for three months opening a branch of his business . Imagine his taxi driver took off with all his luggage , including working permits , money , laptop , and clothing . Could I send him a laptop . To a third world country and get on a national watch list ? ? ? ? You are kidding right ? His conversations became one word or were non - existent until the end of April … he was due home in May and wanted to be sure he could come see me . I don 't think so . Also on mate1 was Author Morgen . He turned out to be a gentleman from Ghana looking to marry a whitat Glad today is almost over . Thurs . picked up my granddaughter who helped me set up for a garage sale . It took us four hours to get things set up and priced . Then we went to my sister 's to swim and cool off . Friday morning we opened the garage door at 8 : 30 am . Sale started at 9 am . First people arrived 8 : 45 am . I never turn down potential customers . We were steady until noon . Megan proved herself to be a good sales person . She knew enough to take offers made if they sounded reasonable . By 4 : 30pm she was bored and ready to be done . So she took it up on herself to go out by the road and wave the garage sale sign around . While she did get people to honk at her , no sales materialized . We closed up shop and again went to the lake . She learned to drive the jet ski so was very happy and very exhausted . Saturday we awoke early and went to breakfast . Please let me tell you about breakfast . It said ' Please Wait for Hostess to Seat You . ' So Megan sat on a wooden bench then almost fell asleep . We had waited over five minutes and I was just about to leave when a Troll came to seat us . The woman had long grey hair , slightly unkempt . She was short and round . I think if she had smiled her face would have cracked . She seated us then walked away . Another five minutes passed and Megan was almost asleep again , when she arrived to take drink orders . We were ready to give our order , but she did not wait to hear that . In the meantime , several people have grown impatient at waiting to be seated and seated themselves . Most of them had the misfortune to seat themselves in the Troll 's section and she became even grumpier . She returned with our drinks and reluctantly took our order . Then she disappeared . She delivered drinks and took orders , but ours did not come . I was just about to ask about it when she came . Set Megan 's down and then mine and walked away . I said , ' Wait , ' but was ignored . The next thing I know Troll woman is back . She has given me the wrong order ( which I knew because I said ' Wait . ' ) . She then proceeds to take the plate in front of me and set down my order . I am again not pleased as my food is cold . I set it on the edge of the table . She came by and said I 'll take that for you . To which I responded , " Good , I 'm not eating cold food and don 't have the time for them to make me something hot . " She left returned with my bill , she had removed my charges . Megan had hardly eaten hers either . You need to know that the summer after my freshman year of college I waited tables . I know what it 's like to be a waitress . This lady did not even come close . We paid the bill and left . No , I did not leave a tip . Not even the penny that is usually left for awful waitresses . The Lumber Jack has lost a customer . What she did was not legal . Once you have set a meal on a table , you cannot pick it up and serve it to someone else . She should have known that . Megan chose to go back to sleep once we got home . No problem for me I am reading a book for review . So my first customers showed up at 8 : 50am . It was busy until 11 am . Then nothing . Megan is still sound asleep . I checked on her a couple of times . My parents showed up just after noon . Dad had come to fix my kitchen error . I 'd purchased a new refrigerator . . . mine had died . . . and it was 1 / 4 inch too tall . He just raised the kitchen cupboards and it was good as new . Yeah ! ! ! ! The drill woke Megan . Sales were off and on the rest of the day . All in all it was a good sale . We went with my parents to the lake , had dinner with my sister and her family . Dad and I rode as spotters in the speed boat as Megan and Lisa took to the tubes . Again Megan was worn out . I returned her to her Mom on Sunday . I was too tired to deal with the garage . I should also add that I discovered a new neighbor on Saturday . A very unwelcome ground hog is trying to tunnel under my foundation . Live traps have been set to get the little bugger . Today I awoke rested and ready to go . Habitat for Humanity is coming on Wed . to get the furniture for their resale store . I bagged up and delivered six bags of clothing to the Fish Store . . . a resale shop and outreach center . I still have books to get rid of . I hear that half . com will take some of them . So , I 'll be checking that tomorrow . I have some dishes to find a home for . The car can now be parked in the garage . Things are looking up . I also learned today that I will be guest blogging on www . readersparadiso . com / blog . You will have to watch for me there . I am glad today is almost over . Tomorrow will be equally as busy . After months of hard work , Rescue Mountain is making it 's debut . It is the product of a James Patterson class I took a year ago . Th . . . After months of hard work , Rescue Mountain is making it 's debut . It is the product of a James Patterson class I took a year ago . Th . . . Retired from teaching after 28 . 5 years . Have opened my own publishing company . Working with four authors . Happily in love with the man of my dreams , volunterring and loving it . Keeping active with yoga and walking . View my complete profile |
I will be away from my computer for a few days . Which is not totally true . I will be away from an Internet connection . I will be working on my novel and reading a book for editing and review . Try not to miss me . I am running away to my parents " country " home for a couple days . One of those I will spend with a friend who is camping about an hour from there . I am looking forward to that . Not seen her since before Christmas . . . way too long . I like being at the " country " home . No cell service , no Internet . I get lots of writing done when I am there . It won 't be as much as usual because I will be gone for a day , but it should be a big chunk . That is always good . Yes , I have a land line phone there in case of emergency and those who know me well , have the number and can reach me . I like the peacefulness there . The wildlife the lack of people , yep that 's where I want to be . This is the first summer in a long time that I have not gone there for a week or at least part of a couple week - ends . Just too much to do this summer , getting the house ready for sale . So while I am gone to unwind and relax you all stay out of trouble and I will try to have something witty to impart when I return . It took about 45 min . yesterday to get my laptop up and running . We put in a 2 gb memory card to boost the memory and speed up the machine . We talked about what I should be looking for in a new computer . To my chagrin , Dell is second only to Mac in the laptop division . I know that I need a pro or ultima when I buy so that too helps . Kudos to Diane for being an awesome computer person and down right nice lady . She fixed my computer on her day off . Looking for computer help in the West Branch , MI area be sure to check out the Computer Genie . She is that . I am in the middle of reading the most delightful book I 've ever come across . It was written by a man in the UK and the humor is just wonderful . I will give a full review when I have finished . I am also working on my own novel . I am hoping to get a couple more chapters in this week . I am ready to get this moving . It needs a good thirty thousand words before it will be finished . Time to get busy . It is so nice to be connected again . I am shopping for a new laptop , but am no longer in a hurry . I can wait for the sales . This morning the WiFi in my laptop stopped working . The tragedy here is that I did not realize how much I 'd come to depend on my Internet access . I do my bill paying on - line for a lot of my bills , my blog , my sales at half . com , not to mention the games I play with friends and the fact that it helps me keep in touch with family and friends who are not local . I fired up the PC , that has not been used for much of anything since 2008 and started deleting programs so that I could regain some speed . It has been made WiFi so that is no issue , but it is so slow I have stopped using it . I have a call into a friend who does computer repair . I am not sure the laptop can be salvaged and that will break my heart as my new website that I had hoped to launch today is saved on the laptop . I do not know if it can be saved to a flash drive , but I will be finding that out later . The laptop has been acting up for a couple of weeks , freezing several times a day requiring a reboot of the system . I am afraid to run a systems check as I know it is going to tell me that the motherboard is going for the third time . I really hate the idea of putting a third motherboard into it . I need a new one , but not at this time . I need this one to hold out just a while longer . Alas , I maybe hitting up the Geek Squad by the end of the week , or worse yet investing in a new one . Just glad I had a backup today . Today I learned that Michael Palmer is hosting an opportunity to write with him . You get your shot by submitting 220 words that would come next in his short story . There is a daily chance to enter this week . I have submitted my first 220 words . I would be flattered to make it to the top five . I 'd be honored to be the one chosen for the day to be included as part of his short story . It is a chance to hone my writing skills . Two hundred twenty words is not much to work with . Keeping the tone of someone else 's writing is also a trick . Every writer has their own style and the idea is that you match the style as best you can . I like a challenge . In 220 words , you set the scene , tension , and tone for the whole thing . It 's a short scene like an act in a play . It 's also called flash fiction . Some people can write the whole story in that many words . As a novelist , it is a challenge to do all that . It will be exciting to see who wins and who gets left behind . I was just thrilled for the chance to do it . TTFN " I will keep a patrol going by your place or you can continue staying with me . We have the District Attorney on board with all the information you and Anna dug up he has a lot to answer for . Anna 's name on it so that it won 't be considered tainted . You are just the victim . He will not be offered bail , because he has no ties to the community and is a flight risk , " he answered with confidence . Our order came and we ate . Then we drove to the court house . The courtroom was filled with old wood that made you feel almost reverent when you entered . We sat in the courtroom and listened to the District Attorney give all the reasons that Bannister should be remanded to custody . His court appointed lawyer did not object . Bannister was fuming at the remand . He knew he 'd have to wait awhile for his sister to arrive . The trial went on for five days . Bannister 's slick sister , the lawyer , was defending him . The surprise was that Allen Bannister Sr . was there every day . The white haired man sat erectly as he heard every word that described his worthless son . On the day the case went to the jury he approached me . " First , I want to say that I am sorry for what my son has done to you . He has always been a disappointment . Second , I would like to congratulate you for the thorough job you did investigating him . There are many things about him I did not know . Finally , I have a trust fund to dispense with . " " That 's what I want to talk to you about . You are way too intelligent to have been my son 's child . I understand that he has besmirched your mother 's reputation and caused untold hurt to you and your father . I 'd like to take his half of the trust and put it into a fund that will care for your mother for the rest of her life . On her death , the remainder will go to your father . The rest I would like you to have . " " I know I don 't , but I have no other children and I 'd like something good to come of it . For my part , I 'd like to know that if I need an investigator in the future I could call on you . I would be honored if you would accept this . " I talked to Dad about this over dinner . He was adamant at first that he wanted no blood money from the Bannisters . I told him to sleep on it . We could talk in the morning . Allen Bannister Jr . was found guilty of kidnapping and possession of a date rape drug . He was sentenced to twenty - five to life . Life for Dad and I went back to normal . Me just hoping I would not awaken again in a jail cell . If you enjoyed this story please let me know . I think there should be a second one so you know what happened when the trust fund money arrived . Had the thought that I might do a series of short stories on Sam Worth . He handed me the file with the DNA report . Dad shook his hand and we walked out . The ride to the police department didn 't take long . They told Dad , Bannister was in an interrogation room . We walked in together . " What you want doesn 't much matter . A public defender has been called until your lawyer can get here . I just thought I 'd let Sam read the list of charges , " the Chief replied . " Wrong , scumbag , I have every right to be here . You are first being charged with kidnapping , then there is the issue of the Rohypnol , finally there is the charge of impersonation . " I was enjoying this . " I had one done with my father . Those tests are correct . You aren 't my father . This is a good thing , because I have a file on you that will bury you in some stinking jail cell for a great number of years . You 'll probably be too old to father an heir when you see the outside again . " " I have no idea what you are talking about . I want this woman out of here . I also want a private DNA test done . She is my daughter , " Bannister continued to insist looking at the Chief . I turned and walked out , too angry with this spoiled rich man to care . I passed the public defender on his way to the conference room . I went to the other conference room . In a couple of minutes Anna joined me . " So , how 's it going ? " she asked care and concern filling her voice . " I have the DNA test that says that scumbag in no relation to me . I should be happy . Instead I just want to bury him in a jail cell for a long long time . " Shrugging I tossed the file on the table . " It will take time , Sam . This man wanted you to be someone you 're not . That 's hard to take . " Anna 's presence was comforting . " No problem . It 's just a part of the ' protect and serve ' . " She left me and went back to her job . The Chief found me sitting at the table . After we had ordered Dad said , " I 'm sorry we had to do the DNA test . Your mother is a good woman . She would never have wanted you to know there was a chance you were not mine . " " It 's a dead issue . I am yours . That 's not what bothers me . I 'm afraid he 'll make bail and I won 't be safe . " I looked at Dad rarely did I let him see my fear . Anna printed the photo . She wanted to have a hard copy when Dad got here . She also saved the photo to a disk . We shut down the computer and went to wait . " Barstow wanted me to find his daughter . He sent me a ten year old photo of her . Dad , who is this guy and why does he think I 'm his daughter ? " I wanted to know . Dad sat and just looked at me . I could see he was measuring what he wanted to say . I waited . Anna left the room presumably to give us some privacy . " He may be your biological father . Your mother was pregnant when I married her . The guy had run off . I didn 't care . I loved your mother . Her child would be mine . We were never able to have children and I figured it was my fault . I am legally your father . This man Barstow , and that is not his real name , is looking for an heir . He is Allen Bannister Jr . and once he produces one he will inherit a trust worth millions . But the money is tied up awaiting an heir . The trust will be divided equally between the heir and Bannister . " " I never really thought about it , " he answered me honestly . " I knew she 'd been thrown over by this guy and ours was a whirlwind romance . I wasn 't even sure she loved me at first . " Anna appeared nodding her head yes . The three of us left , Anna following in her car . It took no time to reach the medical examiner 's office . Doc Watson was quick to take cheek swabs . He told us it would be a couple weeks but he 'd put a rush on it . In the meantime , Anna and I were going back to the house . I wanted to know everything I could about the man I knew as Barstow . We arrived at home , Anna threw some sandwiches together , grabbed a couple bottles of water and we booted up the computer . We started with a people search of Allen Bannister Jr . Once we got a photo of him we went on to search his family . A quick credit card to Intellus and we had a fountain of information . Bannister was the family bad boy . He had a sister who was a lawyer , a brother who was a doctor , and he seemed to be the wastrel . I couldn 't see where he 'd finished college , but he 'd attended four . He hadn 't held a job for more than a year . There were a couple of tickets for DUI - driving under the influence . He 'd had some gambling debts and it would seem a couple of incidents with women that had been hushed up . Apparently he had no children . I didn 't want this man to be my father . I didn 't want his money or his name . I left the room frustrated . Anna had printed off all the information we 'd found . She also found an empty file folder and put it in there . She slowly followed me to the kitchen . " Sam , what do you want to do with this ? " she asked waving the folder . " How 'd he get that photograph of me ? I remember that day at the beach . I was with a bunch of school friends . I don 't remember anyone taking pictures of me . " I was pacing like a caged lion now . " Any good investigator can take photos from long distance . You know that . You 've gotten some shots that have helped us when we couldn 't get close . " " Yeah , I suppose . This is just so disturbing . " I don 't know what was more frustrating , that this man could be my father or that he thought so little of me that he 'd drug me and leave alone and unprotected . Anna and I spent the next two weeks hacking into every file that held information on Allen Bannister Jr . We learned that he was broke and owed large amounts of money to some on - line gambling establishments . He appeared to live the high life and he treated people badly . His scrapes with the law always managed to go away . Either his lawyer sister got the charges dropped or his wealthy father must have put out large sums of money to make them go away . So , when Dad called to say Doc Watson had DNA results , I felt armed to battle this man who claimed to be my father . We had an appointment with Doc Watson in the morning . I tossed and turned all night , was up early , showered , dressed , and making breakfast when Dad came down the stairs . I poured him coffee and he sat at the counter . When I had breakfast on plates we moved to the table . " Yes , Dad , I want this over one way or the other . With Anna 's help I have enough information on the man to make him go away . Not to mention he left ME on the side of the road drugged . " We finished breakfast in silence and I did the dishes . Then we headed to the car and drove to the ME 's office . Doc was waiting for us and took us to his office . " Well , I don 't know who this guy is , but he 's barking up the wrong tree . I won 't ask Chief , but I cannot imagine that you needed a test to know that this high spirited young woman is your daughter . I did run the DNA and voila the results are as I suspected Samantha is your daughter . " I could hardly contain myself . I threw my arms around Dad . " Well , this has all paid off . We can now add kidnapping to the charges against him . " I beamed . The Chief 's phone rang at that moment . " Excuse me , " he said as he stood to walk across the room . " This is the Chief . Uh - huh . Okay . I 'll tell her . Thanks . " " So , what big plans do we have for the day ? I brought my own car so we 'd be less conspicuous if we go out . " She was always eager to help . " I don 't know , maybe web surf on Dad 's computer . I may be able to remote access my files . I need to know what Barstow wanted to hire me for . Maybe then I 'll know what it is I cannot remember . " We went to Dad 's office I booted up the computer , typed in the link to my website , and logged in . I went to the section I kept on potential customers . Then I opened the file on Barstow . Anna and I quickly read through my notes . Nothing seemed out of the ordinary . He wanted me to find his missing daughter . He 'd lost track of her after he divorced her mother . We agreed to meet . " Did he e - mail you a photo ? " she asked . Excitedly she said , " Here let me look . " I slid off the chair and let Anna sit down . Then pulled another chair alongside her . She typed quickly and accessed all my photos . Sure enough there was a file that said Barstow . I was almost afraid to look . When the picture came up I was floored . It was a picture of me , taken at the beach about ten years ago . How did he come to have this photo ? Who was this man ? " Agnes , this is Sam is my dad in yet ? " " He 's just walking through the door . Hold on a minute . " The next voice I heard was Dad 's , " What 's up ? " " I need you to come home . Anna and I found something on the computer you need to see . " The seriousness of my voice had him on alert . Anna printed the photo . She wanted to have a hard copy when Dad got here . She also saved the photo to a disk . We shut down the computer and went to wait . " Barstow wanted me to find his daughter . He sent me a ten year old photo of her . Dad , who is this guy and why does he think I 'm his daughter ? " I wanted to know . Dad sat and just looked at me . I could see he was measuring what he wanted to say . I waited . Anna left the room presumably to give us some privacy . " He may be your biological father . Your mother was pregnant when I married her . The guy had run off . I didn 't care . I loved your mother . Her child would be mine . We were never able to have children and I figured it was my fault . I am legally your father . This man Barstow , and that is not his real name , is looking for an heir . He is Allen Bannister Jr . and once he produces one he will inherit a trust worth millions . But the money is tied up awaiting an heir . The trust will be divided equally between the heir and Bannister . " We drove to the bank , talked to the manager , and went to get the safety deposit box . It was as it had always been . It held my grandmother 's jewelry and some savings bonds my mother had for me . With help from the bank manager , the box was changed and a new key was issued . The Chief drove me to my apartment where I got some clothing and then he took me home . I went up stairs took a long shower and changed . When I came down , there were two officers in the living room . I knew them both . Anna Wilkins , a petite good - natured officer , was assigned inside the house and Jack Adams , tall and lanky with a desire to please , was going to be in the car outside . The Chief went back to the office to find out the status of the BOLO and finish up his day . He called the administrator of the nursing home . He wanted no one in his wife 's room that was not personally known to the staff . A man claiming to be from the church had shown up today . He was not from the church . That taken care of he needed to find the man Barstow and find out what he wanted . Later in the day when , I awoke , I felt refreshed . I dressed and wandered downstairs to find something to eat . I found Anna in the kitchen and wonderful aromas wafting out . " Afternoon , Sam , hope you don 't mind my taking over the kitchen . The Chief will be home in about half an hour . If you can wait that long , I 'll have dinner ready for you . " " Anna , that 's great ! I can wait . But I need a bottle of water , " I told her . Anna reached into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water . She handed it to me . I took it and sat at the counter . " I talked to Molly today . She came to see you when her set was done . She had trouble getting you away from the man you were with . When she did you weren 't too coherent . You gave her the key and told her what it was for . She said you weren 't too steady on your feet , " Molly told me . I shrugged and drank some water . Something was niggling at the back of my brain . Something I knew would be important . Try as I might , I couldn 't grab onto it . The Chief arrived Anna and I put dinner on the table . I asked Anna to stay but she said she needed to get home to her husband . She left and we sat down to dinner . " Do we have night coverage , too ? Maybe we should take them some of this delicious pork . " I said trying to figure out how serious this situation was . " Just a precaution I also took care of your mother , too , " he told me . I nodded and continued to eat my dinner . After dinner Dad and I took coffee into the den . We watched some TV together then I turned in for the night . I slept a very restless sleep , filled with images running into each other . Jesse Barstow kept running through my head . What had he wanted me to do ? Why had he hired me ? Why had he drugged me ? How did my mother fit in ? I awoke tired and still drawing a blank . Dad had coffee on when I came down the stairs . He had just put bacon in the pan . He looked up and said , " Couldn 't sleep either ? " " I 'd just finished up for Molly , so the job offer by Barstow would have been the next thing . I 'm going to call and see if I have any messages . " I went to the phone called my office and checked my voice mail . There was a cryptic message from the voice of Barstow . " So , you are a hot shot PI ? I really don 't think so . You fell for the oldest con in the book . It was so easy to get you where I wanted you . " I replayed it so Dad could listen . He sent Anna over to get the tape and take it in to be analyzed . I called my home to check the voice mail there . There was none . At least he hasn 't got my home number . I was careful not to give that out to clients . My office and cell phones were for business . Anna showed up as Dad came down the stairs . He nodded to me and said to both of us . " You girls keep out of trouble . " Then he left . The Chief came back as I was finishing the second donut . He shook his head , " Beats me how you can eat that stuff and still be thin as a rail . I ran a check on this Jesse Barstow . Seems he has a yellow sheet longer than your arm . He 's quite the confidence man . I can 't believe you fell for him . " " I 'm not sure I did . I think he could 've been the person who drugged me . I went to the Escape looking for Molly Marshfield . The key belongs to her . It was for her mother 's safe deposit box . I just can 't seem to remember the numbers and what they were about . " " No , he 'd called earlier in the day . He 'd wanted me to find someone . Since I had to go see Molly , I told him to meet me at the Escape . " " I don 't remember . I don 't know how I got it or what it was about . " I shook my head hoping to bring the memory back . " Well , you seem to be okay now . I didn 't want to send you home last night if you were facing some kind of danger . I 've put out a BOLO ( Be On the Look Out ) for Barstow . I have some questions for him . Want a lift to your place ? " the Chief asked . Yeah , my dad is the Chief of Police . We try to see Mom two or three times a week . She has Alzheimer 's and is confined to the local nursing home . Sometimes it is easier if we both go together . I was ready when Dad came back . We drove to the home in silence . I knew he did not like my choice of career . He hadn 't liked it when I was on the police force either . He didn 't think it was a job for a girl … . especially not his little girl . In an instant the lights and siren were on . We flew through town . I was out of the car and running before Dad came to a complete stop . Nurses and administrators were coming out the front door to see what the commotion was . I bowled past them headed for Mom 's room . She looked up as I entered . " Samantha , dear , have you been running again ? You know it 's not lady like , " she admonished like a thousand other times in my life . " I know Mom . " I took a minute to take in her surroundings . Nothing seemed out of place . " Why yes , that new young man from the church came in . He left his card . " She handed me the card . Sure enough the name was Jesse Barstow . I handed it to Dad . " We were just worried about you , Mom , " I told her my hand going to her snow white hair in a caress . " I 'm fine . These people take good care of me , " she said a serene smile on her face . Dad stepped over to her . " Helen , we were just concerned . We have to leave now , but we 'll be back later . " He kissed her and walked out of the room . " This is the key to your mother 's safe deposit box . I had them check the bank and find out who the key belonged to . I want to go and see if he got into it . " I woke slowly aware this was not my own bed , nor my room . My head ached , and as I took in my surroundings , I noticed the bars . How did I end up in jail ? I sat up slowly holding my head , unable to remember what had happened last night . The first was the book of matches . I turned them over slowly and read the name on the package , Escape Gentleman 's Club . What on earth was I doing with these ? I 'm not a smoker . Why had I been there ? The next item was a napkin . It too had the emblem of Escape on it and a number . It wasn 't a phone number as there weren 't enough numbers . This was becoming a puzzle . There was also a key . It was not a car key . Motels use key cards so that was out . When I turned it over it had " Bank of Michigan " imprinted on it . This might be a safe deposit box key , but I didn 't have a safety deposit box . Item number four looked like a worm . Oh heavens , the worm from a tequila bottle . I never ate those . How did it get in my pocket ? Disgusting , I shivered . I followed quietly still pondering the items in my pocket . I was put in a small conference room . Coffee and donuts were on a counter along one wall . " Go ahead , help yourself . The Chief will be here in a minute . " I took a cup of coffee added a ton of sugar and a bit of milk . Then I took a jelly donut from the box . I 'd just started on the donut when the Chief walked in . " Let me see if I can fill in some of the blanks . One of my officers found you wandering down the street at about one o ' clock this morning . He recognized you and brought you here . You seemed to be in some kind of state and were non - responsive to questions . I had them take a blood sample and run it for toxins . Someone slipped you Rohypnol , the date rape drug . I immediately had them take you to ER . They ran a rape kit , but it came back negative . Someone was trying to put you out of business , Sam . What do you remember ? I reached into my pocket and pulled out the five items . Slowly things started to fall into place . I 'd been hired by Jesse Barstow to find someone . He 'd met me to Escape where I 'd picked up the matchbook . The key and the napkin were still a bit of a mystery . I explained what I could to the Chief . We looked at the key and the number on the napkin . He also took the business card . As I sat there finishing my coffee I went for another donut . There was still a big blank . Why didn 't they keep me at the hospital ? I 'd have to ask the Chief about that one . As a private investigator , the police department held me in as much esteem as they would a pile of dung . I 'd paid my dues in the department and that counted for something . I am often asked where I get the ideas for my novels . Honestly , they come from my warped mind . They come from life or the possibilities in life . I people watch . I create backgrounds for some of the people I see . They become characters . I read , read , and read more . I knew for my first book that my main character was going to be a librarian . I have two handwritten starts that went nowhere . As it turned out my librarian died in the first few pages . Not at all where I was starting . Sometimes you have to let the story tell itself . In my second book I was given three words to use in the first sentence . I started with my arsonist watching his handiwork from a place above the fire . My lead investigator was on the ground . Many people who read the book thought for a while that they were one in the same . In my third book it was the setting that was the start for the story . Imagine that I would write about a school . With a few minor adjustments , the school in my story was my elementary school . You would have to know me well to have known that . For my current novel . I have used a family name for my main character . Since this character is the hero I don 't think there will be any objections . The idea was to introduce a town and some characters and make it a three book series . I started with a cold case that went places even I never dreamed . I also started by taking a room description I wrote as an undergrad and making it better . Characters become real to a writer . Yes , I have conversations with them . We even argue . My characters have to stay true to who they are . Sometimes they take me in directions I never even consider . If it works , all the better . I try to take on subjects that could happen , that might happen , that have happened in some way . I have murder , arson , stalking and and cold case . In the second book in my series I am taking on bullying when it gets to the stage where things are illegal . I have no idea yet where the third book will take me . I went to Texas for inspiration . I don 't know if I found it but time will tell . I 've been to Arizona and New Mexico . I 've traveled in Kentucky , Tennessee , and North Carolina . So far none have made it into my books , but that doesn 't mean they won 't . I take photos of every place I go so I can refresh my memory if I choose to write about them . My hotel room in Scottsdale , Az . I even took photos of the beamed ceiling and the stocked fridge . I took photos in my Aunt and Uncle 's bed and breakfast . Places need to be authentic . I will use the photos if this is the type of room or place I need . Write your ideas down . I have journals full of ideas . Some might even make it into stories . Some may not . The more you have the more chance you have of using them . Happy writing . I 've missed a couple days of blogging . So , let me catch you up . Got a phone call on Thursday about my house . The house that is for sale . The couple was going to come on Saturday . So , I cancelled my Friday plans . . . thank you , Sally for letting me reschedule . . . and went into marathon house cleaning . As I have been tearing the place apart for two years trying to get rid of stuff and have my spare bedroom ready for paint and new flooring , the place was a wreck . I 've also just finished a garage sale and have some of that stuff around . I will admit the upstairs bedroom is still a wreck but at least it 's a neat wreck . I am still working on some small things . I 'm hoping to get my dad up here soon to put in the back splash and range hood . Then I 'm done with anything I 'm doing in this room . The major thing is the spare bathroom needing to be replumbed . Grr . . . . but that is the last of the major things . I ache all over but I feel better for having done it . The couple came about 1 pm today . They brought her dad with them . They are looking for acreage because they have two dogs . I have 2 . 81 acres . There is also a built in dog house in my garage , completely insulated . I did not get a read on whether or not they were interested . I guess I wait to see if they call with an offer . I have a few things I can do , yet to make it look better and I will do those things . I am getting rid of my library slow but sure . All the stuff I hung onto for whatever stupid reason is going . Sentiment only goes so far . Today has stormed off and on , so I thought I get this in during a lull . I have been working on yet another baby layette . I am going to have another one to do soon , too . I cannot keep up with the demand . These two will make a dozen since January . The current one is for a girl . Waiting to hear what the next baby will be . I am hoping to get back to my novel . I want to get a couple more chapters done . I think since things are getting back to normal that I might be able to do that . Wait , is there such a thing as " normal ? " Probably not in my life . Anyway that should bring you up - to - date on my current happenings . TTFN Many of you know I live in a remodeled farmhouse . I use the term remodeled in it 's loosest sense . I have spent 24 years fixing the mistakes made by the guy who did this remodel . He was at best clueless . That however is another story . We put insulation under the living room kitchen the first year and added a garage . It has been painted on the outside . I had heat runs put in the living room / kitchen and upstairs about 12 years ago . It got a new furnace 10 yrs ago , the first one burned itself up . Then 8 yrs ago it need a new pump . The downstairs bedrooms all have wood floors . There was a new roof put on 2 years ago . Just the things you do while living in a house . The house is now too big and I am looking to move to a warmer year round climate . Not sure where that is yet , still looking . The house went up for sale a month ago . I put my for sale sign out front and no one has called . What a surprise ! Then I learned that there is a ground hog in the neighborhood . Okay , I am not an animal person . With the help of my Dad we put out two live traps . Lo and behold caught a ground hog today . Now what the heck do I do with it ? ? ? ? I called a pest control guy and he suggested that I get a 30 gallon garbage bag put the trap in that and fill it with water and drown the critter . Not going to happen . I called a friend who 's husband is a taxidermist to see what should happen . He came out , dispensed with the ground hog , buried it cleaned the trap and helped put rocks in the hole . YEAH ! ! ! Now for the good news . I got my first phone call on the house today . Which means I need to get off the computer and get busy making it look presentable . People are coming on Saturday . Please let them make an offer . Please let it be an offer I can live with . Where the heck am I going to live ? ? ? Not worried . I 'll figure that out in good time . Keep reading and I 'll keep you posted . What makes a blog good ? Why would people want to follow it ? What is the purpose of a blog ? Wow they were coming at me today like I couldn 't believe . I 'm not sure is the answer to each one of those . I have read plenty of blogs . Some I choose to follow because I personally know the person writing the blog , and others because of their content . There is no set reason for why I follow a blog . I think it depends on what I am looking for . I write a blog for several reasons . One I try to blog daily , it keeps me writing . Another is that it sometimes serves as a reference for where my brain is . My brain tends to travel in several directions at a time . Thirdly , I sometimes do what I call public service writing . I also use my blog for book reviews . Finally , it 's just another outlet for my writing . I enjoy doing it . I 'd like to have a big following . I 'm happy that I have a following at all . I don 't compare my following to the following on other blogs . I don 't write like other blogs . My sister 's nephew and his wife started blogging when they learned they were having quadruplets . That 's something totally different . Others write to vent . People follow blogs for as many reasons as we write them . Blogging is writing . I love writing . The two go hand - in - hand for me . If you find a blog you like follow it , let the blogger know someone is interested . I 've been back at the family history research again . The list of my ancestors is amazing . I am running down my Plantagenet side from Henry I of England . Henry is the fourth son of William the Conqueror and as such should never have reached the throne . Amazing what perseverance will get you . Funny thing is that he died from a fall off his horse in Normandy . He was able to reunite Normandy and England for a time . I also find it amazing that his daughter Matilda is his only legitimate heir and she was a great grandmother 21 times removed . It is through her that I am a Plantagenet . Henry however lost his wife at an early age and had several mistresses who bore him children . So I find him on my family tree as a great grandfather with at least one of his mistresses , Sybil Corbet . King Henry I had at least 18 illegitimate children . He had three legitimate heirs . His son William died young in a fire as did his first daughter . Queen Matilda was his third child . She eventually lost her bid for the throne to her cousin Stephen . British history is as amazing as it is twisted . Do not think there was not intrigue . There was plenty . They intermarried and had affairs which produced children . The least amount of scandal probably came under Queen Victoria , but I highly doubt the intrigue stopped . I have no desire to get into a tug - of - war with anyone for any throne . I don 't need the headaches . It is amazing to me that I share ancestors with the current royal family who are Windsors . It amazes me that Lady Margaret Beaufort Countess of Richmond and Derby and believed to be a pious and giving woman was one of the biggest plotters of intrigue and literally stole the throne for her own son , Henry VII . Yet , Lady Margaret shows up in my family tree because of the intermarriages of the royal children . I don 't think Court life was as wonderful as we have been led to believe . I think you had to be very careful what you said and did so that you kept your head . If someone with power over you told you to marry you married . Love never entered into it . Most were marriages of family and fortune . I 'd have been the rebellious one . I 'd have found my love and made a run for Gretna Green and asked forgiveness later . Wonder if I 'd have lost my head ? ? ? It 's possible . So I 'm reading a book that is supposed to tell me how to become a millionaire . I am all for something that will help me supplement retirement . Following the book I surveyed friends and former co - workers ( thank you to those who responded ) on my strengths and skills . I know the flaws . I needed to see what others saw . I made a spread sheet listing the skills , strengths , and ideas I had . I shared the spread sheet . Imagine my surprise when that person said , " Are you looking at non - profits ? " I went back to my spread sheet and sure enough , my ideas are better for non - profits than money making . Guess that 's where I am in my life . The stage where you give back . Yesterday I got something in the mail and glanced through it . A job was posted there . It 's only 24 hrs a week and is along the lines of one of my ideas . It would give me a little extra cash , but would not make me millions . I have some issues with one of their requirements . However they are church funded so , I don 't think I can argue it . I will let it pass . Something else will come along . I have pretty much accomplished nothing today unless you count thinking . I am looking for direction . My novels are going well . Life is good . I just need direction . I hate days when I get all philosophical . I question what my purpose is and why I am here . Only God has those answers . I mistakenly believed when I sat down to read this book that I was just going to read historical fiction . Imagine my surprise and delight to find so much more . Edward de Stafford rightful heir to the throne of England was cheated out of his birth right , money , love , and family . Edward 's father Duke Henry was beheaded for treason , when Edward was but a child . He is forced from his mother by edict of the most devious woman in British history , Lady Margaret Beaufort Countess of Richmond and Derby . Edward is sent to live with Lady Margaret as her ward . She is determined that Edward be kept from the throne in favor of her own son Henry . Edward is drawn to Eadie the daughter of one of Lady Margaret 's ladies - in - waiting . As they frolic in the woods Edward and Eadie become inseparable playmates and best friends . That friendship grows into a deep and abiding love . However , Edward 's station and servitude to Lady Margaret keeps him from making Eadie anything more than his mistress . Lady Margaret is the foundress of St . John 's and Christ 's colleges at Cambridge . She sends Edward there to separate him from Eadie and their daughter Abigail . Edward is forced to attend Cambridge under strict rules from Lady Margaret . While seen as a devout and pious woman , Lady Margaret is evil and bends people to her will . She robs Edward 's properties of their rents and arranges a marriage for him . Neither Edward nor his betrothed are eager for the wedding to take place . In fact , Alianore plots with her cousin to have Edward killed on two occasions . While neither attempt is successful the relationship between them does not improve . Edward the dutiful subject goes into service for his King ( Henry VII ) . When the fighting is over he heads for home , but is detained in celebration . Eadie finds her life in peril . She is being persecuted as a witch . Edward returns to his home to find his love , daughter , and mentor dead . It is with heart - wrenching sadness he bears them home . While the book is the life of Edward as seen through the eyes of the auat It 's been ages since I 've done a middle of the night blog . It 's 3 am and I am wide awake . I don 't get it . I turned off all electronics . . . computer and TV at 10pm . I finished a book I was reading by 11 : 30pm . Should have gone to sleep as soon as the lights were out . I was tired . Ah , someone forgot to tell my mind it was time to shut down . JJ Heller and Mark Lowry lyrics alternately ran through my head . When those exhausted themselves , my mind went to all the things I need to do . Let 's see write a review , post the review , work on the novel , housework , make a run to the Fish Store with dishes , run ISBN numbers off my books through half . com and see which ones they will buy , the list is endless . Finally at 1 : 30 am I decided to get up . Have I accomplished anything ? No . Am I tired ? Yes . Have I tried endless things to fall asleep ? Yes . I tried deep breathing and envisioning myself on the beach . Did it work ? Well , I 'm writing a blog , so I 'd guess not . Lack of sleep does not just leave me tired the next day it has health ramifications . My blood pressure will rise as will my blood sugars . No , I 'm not eating or drinking caffeine . When my body does not get the sleep it needs my whole system is off kilter . I hate days like this . Napping will not work as then I 'd be up another night . I have packed away the everyday dinner dishes . I will be giving them away . Probably to the Fish Store . I am eating off china from now on . No sense for it to just take up space in my cupboard . I have my push mower back in the garage along with my car . When the furniture goes then the rider will go back in there . Slow and steady accomplishments . I am currently in the process of getting my kitchen counters completely cleaned off . As soon as I do that , I can get my Dad up here to put in a range hood and back splash . There have been range hoods here over the years , but there is not one currently . There has never been a back splash , just a wall that has been well washed . I am excited about that . This gives me a chance to clean out pans and cookware I don 't use . time for it to go . I have a couple of ideas on my way to becoming a millionaire . I 'm not sure how to get them started . I am working out a plan of action on both later today . We will see which one I can pull off . I am excited to have a challenge put in front of me . Keep watching for which one I start on first . This must be the hardest lesson in life I thought , how could anyone be made to go through such a painful thing as having to watch mummy and Dad go their separate ways without the slightest consideration for me , I thought . That was my very first lesson in life , and even am over 30 years of age now it is still as painful as it was back when it happened , for I was just a boy of five . I couldn 't understand how two people could make a decision when there are 3 people involved , I think to rudest thing that could happen to anyone in life was to be disrespected , to be ' unheard , totally ignored and unvalued . Those weren 't the exact word I would have used to describe my feelings at the time , but in my own little way I yearned to be heard . To make matters worse , I was an only child and having no brothers and sisters meant I had to play on my own , fight my own battles and make my own entertainment . Looking back at my life today and how my one - parent upbringing has affected my relationships , I have come to understand how hard it must been for my parents to have to split just 6 years after they tied the knot . As a child you were scared with the psychological damaging effects of being brought up in a broken home for the rest of your life , and subconsciously it would affect a lot of the decisions you make later on in life , relationship - wise and otherwise and I was no exception to that rule , judging by the history of my relationships . Although I seemed to be settled in one now coming up to three years even though I still get the tendency to do a ' Tiger Woods ' , or maybe that is every man 's thing as my present partner would say , " bloody men , they can 't keep it in their pants " . I have read about people from a broken home committing gruesome atrocities and it kinds of make me wonder whether they are just using as a cover up for their atrocities , because the only thing I feel , being from a broken home myself is lack of maternal love and I don 't think I am doing bad at making up for that with the number of relationshipsAugust 02 , 2011 On - Line Dating a ScamPosted on August 2 , 2011 by Rebecka VigusI have attempted on - line dating this year . A friend met her new husband on - line and she highly recommends it . Let me tell you it is a scam . She is one of the lucky few who actually met a real man with values . I will list the sites I used and the first name only of the men I " met . " The first site was singlesnet . com . The site is free . I met David there . He was an architect with a big plan he was working on . He was supposedly in Florida , but I can find no architects there with his name . He was a widow with a 20 year old daughter . His daughter lived with his Mom in Ohio . He had good mid - western values . After two weeks he loved me and sent me a dozen red roses and a teddy bear . Since I was wintering in Texas they arrived at my landlady 's home . Two days later he wanted $ 2500 and was willing to help me find a bank or credit union so that I could get a loan . No , I did not get one . Nor did I try . I changed sites to mate1 . com . It is a free site for women . Joel was the first guy . His profile said he was in San Antonio , Texas . Gee , there might be a chance I could meet him . Keep laughing . Joel was a widower with a 14 year old son . He owned a company importing and exporting cars and car parts . Did I mention he lived in Liverpool , England ? The profile was a lie . After three weeks , and we did get to see each other on a webcam … no sound his computer sound was broken . ( Most likely not ) . He flew to Accara , Ghana where he was going to be for three months opening a branch of his business . Imagine his taxi driver took off with all his luggage , including working permits , money , laptop , and clothing . Could I send him a laptop . To a third world country and get on a national watch list ? ? ? ? You are kidding right ? His conversations became one word or were non - existent until the end of April … he was due home in May and wanted to be sure he could come see me . I don 't think so . Also on mate1 was Author Morgen . He turned out to be a gentleman from Ghana looking to marry a whitat Glad today is almost over . Thurs . picked up my granddaughter who helped me set up for a garage sale . It took us four hours to get things set up and priced . Then we went to my sister 's to swim and cool off . Friday morning we opened the garage door at 8 : 30 am . Sale started at 9 am . First people arrived 8 : 45 am . I never turn down potential customers . We were steady until noon . Megan proved herself to be a good sales person . She knew enough to take offers made if they sounded reasonable . By 4 : 30pm she was bored and ready to be done . So she took it up on herself to go out by the road and wave the garage sale sign around . While she did get people to honk at her , no sales materialized . We closed up shop and again went to the lake . She learned to drive the jet ski so was very happy and very exhausted . Saturday we awoke early and went to breakfast . Please let me tell you about breakfast . It said ' Please Wait for Hostess to Seat You . ' So Megan sat on a wooden bench then almost fell asleep . We had waited over five minutes and I was just about to leave when a Troll came to seat us . The woman had long grey hair , slightly unkempt . She was short and round . I think if she had smiled her face would have cracked . She seated us then walked away . Another five minutes passed and Megan was almost asleep again , when she arrived to take drink orders . We were ready to give our order , but she did not wait to hear that . In the meantime , several people have grown impatient at waiting to be seated and seated themselves . Most of them had the misfortune to seat themselves in the Troll 's section and she became even grumpier . She returned with our drinks and reluctantly took our order . Then she disappeared . She delivered drinks and took orders , but ours did not come . I was just about to ask about it when she came . Set Megan 's down and then mine and walked away . I said , ' Wait , ' but was ignored . The next thing I know Troll woman is back . She has given me the wrong order ( which I knew because I said ' Wait . ' ) . She then proceeds to take the plate in front of me and set down my order . I am again not pleased as my food is cold . I set it on the edge of the table . She came by and said I 'll take that for you . To which I responded , " Good , I 'm not eating cold food and don 't have the time for them to make me something hot . " She left returned with my bill , she had removed my charges . Megan had hardly eaten hers either . You need to know that the summer after my freshman year of college I waited tables . I know what it 's like to be a waitress . This lady did not even come close . We paid the bill and left . No , I did not leave a tip . Not even the penny that is usually left for awful waitresses . The Lumber Jack has lost a customer . What she did was not legal . Once you have set a meal on a table , you cannot pick it up and serve it to someone else . She should have known that . Megan chose to go back to sleep once we got home . No problem for me I am reading a book for review . So my first customers showed up at 8 : 50am . It was busy until 11 am . Then nothing . Megan is still sound asleep . I checked on her a couple of times . My parents showed up just after noon . Dad had come to fix my kitchen error . I 'd purchased a new refrigerator . . . mine had died . . . and it was 1 / 4 inch too tall . He just raised the kitchen cupboards and it was good as new . Yeah ! ! ! ! The drill woke Megan . Sales were off and on the rest of the day . All in all it was a good sale . We went with my parents to the lake , had dinner with my sister and her family . Dad and I rode as spotters in the speed boat as Megan and Lisa took to the tubes . Again Megan was worn out . I returned her to her Mom on Sunday . I was too tired to deal with the garage . I should also add that I discovered a new neighbor on Saturday . A very unwelcome ground hog is trying to tunnel under my foundation . Live traps have been set to get the little bugger . Today I awoke rested and ready to go . Habitat for Humanity is coming on Wed . to get the furniture for their resale store . I bagged up and delivered six bags of clothing to the Fish Store . . . a resale shop and outreach center . I still have books to get rid of . I hear that half . com will take some of them . So , I 'll be checking that tomorrow . I have some dishes to find a home for . The car can now be parked in the garage . Things are looking up . I also learned today that I will be guest blogging on www . readersparadiso . com / blog . You will have to watch for me there . I am glad today is almost over . Tomorrow will be equally as busy . After months of hard work , Rescue Mountain is making it 's debut . It is the product of a James Patterson class I took a year ago . Th . . . After months of hard work , Rescue Mountain is making it 's debut . It is the product of a James Patterson class I took a year ago . Th . . . Retired from teaching after 28 . 5 years . Have opened my own publishing company . Working with four authors . Happily in love with the man of my dreams , volunterring and loving it . Keeping active with yoga and walking . View my complete profile |
Posted on June 24 , 2017 Stay away from this host and his place . I wrote a review after leaving an Airbnb that said that the place was not clean . There were bugs in the bathroom , the towels weren 't clean , and the silverware and sink were also not clean . However , I also added that everything else was accurate . That was all that was said in the review I wrote . Days after I wrote the review the host decided to contact me at night saying that my review was crap and I was not welcome in his place anymore . I was shocked that this person even reached out to me since I hadn 't even stayed at his place for almost a week . Of course I replied to defend myself and make him understand why I wrote the review the way I did which was I had the intention of being honest . After I replied he went on to say that I was too high maintenance and fancy for his place and that 's why I wrote what I wrote ; I just needed to go to a hotel . I was so offended . I replied and told him not to contact me again going forward . Nevertheless , he decided to tell me in a calmer tone that he would give me a refund for my troubles . I went on to be calm since he decided to be more respectful towards me and replied to him . However , when he said that he wanted me to edit the review to make it not be seen I was like … why ? Of course I wanted to test to see if he was trying to give me a refund because it was the right thing to do since I had to deal with the whole experience . When I told him that I couldn 't change the review he said that he couldn 't give me the refund . The funny thing is he tried to twist things on me , saying that I was trying to make him pay me to get the review changed . When it was obvious that he wouldn 't give me the refund unless I went to call Airbnb to go get the review changed , who is really trying to get the review taken off for money ? After he said he couldn 't refund 50 % of the money at least twice in the conversation prior to me telling him I couldn 't edit it . Airbnb has a 48 - hour timeframe to edit a review , so then he said he wouldn 't give me a refund . After that I told him that I will be publicly letting everyone know the type of host he is and I would reach out to Airbnb . He then wanted to use what I had said before and say : " You are unwelcome to contact me . Do not contact me . " I didn 't reply after I sent my last message . This dude was so rude and so immature to be reaching out to over a freaking honest review about his place . Let me tell you : he made me take pictures of his place when I got there so that he could see if it was clean from the prior guest … what kind of host does that ? He doesn 't even clean his own place and doesn 't even make sure it looks good for the next guest ? He makes people do the work in making sure everything is clean … which is fine since he did state it in his handbook , but taking pictures of the place to make sure everything looks good ? It should already look good when guest arrive if you 're a good host . This was such a horrible experience for me and it made me so upset and annoyed to be dealing with something so unnecessary . For future reference , avoid places that make you clean everything for them . It probably means that they don 't care about the quality of your stay . Lesson learned . Posted on June 23 , 2017 Our daughter has been attending college in Maryville , Tennessee . She contacted us with the logistics for graduation . After speaking to several family members it was decided that we would look for a cabin to rent instead of all of us finding hotels . My son , who has been an Airbnb host for several years , suggested that we use Airbnb again ( we had used it once before with excellent results ) . The search was on to find the perfect spot for 14 of us to meet and stay for the May graduation . After several emails back and forth amongst the group we had narrowed it down to two places . The reviews were great for both , and the price was about $ 100 difference per couple between the two . We made sure that the cabin would accommodate the group , and that it would be handicapped accessible , which was confirmed by the host . After asking a few more questions of the host for " A Little Piece of Heaven " in Sevierville , Tennessee it was decided that we would take that one . On January 2nd , 2017 , we paid $ 1498 for the booking . It was rented for May 18th through the 23rd . All of us were excited and I exchanged a couple of emails with the host , " Jouandot Enterprises " , telling him that we were excited . Fast forward to the week of the trip . We were driving leaving Naples , Florida on May 17th heading to the cabin to meet up with family coming from Michigan and Pennsylvania . The host emailed me with the code for access to the cabin and wished us a safe trip . It would be a 15 - hour drive and we would stay in Pigeon Forge for the night . We could not check into the cabin until 3 : 00 PM the following day . We drove in still excited , and upon walking onto the deck noticed that there was an overturned trash can , and what looked like a planter with no plant that had been tipped over . There was dirt all over the deck . We then walked further onto the deck and there was a mop leaning against the wall and a picnic table that when leaned against literally swayed with you . There was a hot tub whose top looked to be either too small or badly damaged as there was a thick layer of dirt and waves in it . Coming onto the deck from the other side , there were molded slats around the hot tub . We saw the two rocking chairs that we had talked about sitting in to look at the view ( which was by the way , still stunning ) . It looked like some type of varmint had been eating the wood above them , and there were wood chips all over . There were spindles on the railing that had been kicked out and had not been repaired . The gate to the deck downstairs was barely hanging on . Looking over the rail , someone had tossed a bag of garbage into the woods below and trash was scattered about . Underneath the dinner table , there was a yellow stain . Urine ? Vomit ? The rug was disgusting and you could tell that it not only had been there for a while , but it had not been cleaned in a long while . By this time , I was more than a little upset and my husband said maybe we could just clean up a little and make the best of it . We looked around in the bedrooms and there was not a blind there that hadn 't been broken or was about to fall apart . We were going to open it up some as it was overcast outside , and dark inside the cabin . The surfaces looked to have been wiped down , but there was no pot in the coffee maker . I opened the cabinet to find the pot , with a hole in the bottom of it . There were thin quilts on the beds and questionable sheets , with no mattress pads at all . The only spare linen we found was stuffed in a magazine rack in the living room , and blankets had been thrown - not folded - in the top of the closets in both bedrooms . So the question in my mind is : how clean were they ? Trying to make this cabin work was just not going to happen . I stepped outside and tried to regain my composure ; I was just sick . I placed a call to the hosts and left a message . By then I was in tears as I had no idea what we were going to do … there was more family en route and nowhere to stay . There was no way to make this cabin work ; it was awful . After about fifteen minutes one of the hosts phoned me , and I explained that I was so disappointed that the cabin was filthy and in such bad disrepair . He said that he was so surprised to hear this as the people who checked out the day before said nothing . I told him that I can 't speak for other people , and I asked if he had another cabin nearby that we could try . He said that they did not . I was mid - sentence telling him that we could not stay when the call was dropped . I couldn 't get him back on the line . He texted me a few minutes later that he would call his cleaning service . I responded that we would be leaving the cabin and going to find rooms in town . I also told him that this was not just a cleaning issue ; this place was in disrepair . One thing the host did say while I had him on the phone was " it is a ' rustic ' cabin . " My response was : " I have stayed in many ' rustic ' cabins . I 'm from Idaho originally . Rustic doesn 't mean filthy and falling apart . " I think this would be a lovely place to visit , but hosts need to have pride in their properties . Keep them clean and in good repair . This was one cabin where the reviews and the pictures did not match what we found . For the record , we work every day . I cleaned houses and offices for many years and I am now an office manager . My husband is a painting contractor . We work very hard for our money and to be able to afford to take trips , so to find this was totally unacceptable . It was not a great way to start what was to be a celebration trip . We went into Pigeon Forge and I tried contacting a couple of other Airbnb hosts to find available places that were available to rent for our group . We saw a Cabins USA office , and our daughter 's coach suggested we give them a try . She called them and they had one place available . It was a little bigger than we needed and more expensive ; however , it was available , so we took it . Once we had settled into the new cabin , I phoned my son and asked him what I needed to do . He instructed me to go online and cancel the reservation and then email the host and to do it through Airbnb . I got online at Airbnb and tried using the Help feature in the app to cancel . It kept giving me an error message and just continued to ask me to check in . I then typed out an email to send and tried to send it tree times , receiving an error every time . Frustrated , I emailed the hosts from the listing on Airbnb . I explained that we had left the cabin , and would not be staying . I asked what I needed to do to request a refund . Within the hour , they texted me back and said that they would issue a refund through Airbnb . I responded thank you and went about the day . I thought the matter had been resolved . Later in the day I was shopping and I received a call from Airbnb . I explained that I was in the store and asked if they could call me back ? I shared that I thought the matter was resolved as the host said that he would be issuing us a refund . However , I would be happy to speak to them , just a little later . I did ask if I could call them ? I just asked that they email the contact information . That night I checked my emails , and there was an email from Airbnb . I typed a response stating that I felt the matter was resolved . The email was sent at 10 : 47 PM , May 19th . This email was sent in response to the complaint that I had sent on the 18th - the one I thought had not gone through . I found this out from Airbnb Customer Service . On the 20th we were scheduled to move our daughter out of her dorm and into an apartment in Knoxville . It wasn 't until later that night I saw different emails on the 20th . It had taken the better part of the day to move , and I really didn 't think anyone else would be contacting me . Graduation was on the 21st and we had a dinner out so we did not get in until late . I was not looking for any emails or calls from anyone . We were just trying to enjoy this time with our daughter and family . On May 24th after we arrived home in Florida , I reviewed the emails from different Airbnb people from May 20th . I emailed a response . There were also several " rate your stay " emails , which I kept deleting as I didn 't want to kick a dead horse . Then about the fifth time , I left a one - star review . It was short and sweet : the cabin wasn 't what we expected , we did not stay , the matter was resolved . The cabin could be much better with a little TLC . No lies , no trashing the people . Short and sweet . The next day I receive an email from them stating , " there will be no refund . " Airbnb had left it up to them since I didn 't respond . I responded with an email that stated that I had copies of the responses sent to Airbnb and to him . I explained that I didn 't think I needed to do any more than I did as he told me he was going to issue a refund . I thought the matter had been resolved . However , I also told him I understood that he did that likely so I would tell Airbnb that and not pursue the case any further . I was so angry . Was he serious ? This " host " was just going to take the $ 1500 and dismiss us ? Well , not without a fight . He also stated that I left him one star … so in my response , I told him that I wasn 't even going to leave that . I explained that I didn 't lie and I didn 't blast him or his cabin , I just said we didn 't stay . This guy is a real piece of work . He works Airbnb to his benefit , and the fact that he did it the way that he did , indicates he has done it before . He also shared that his reputation speaks for itself , and he wished me well . Again , I got on the phone to Airbnb . I reached them on the same 415 number listed on this site . I spoke to a representative who sounded genuinely concerned at the predicament . She said would email me and I needed to respond . I told her I was at work , so it would be later that night or in the morning ( this was Friday , June 9th ) . There were other photos on my husband 's phone that I needed to send as well . She told me that I had time , just get them together and send them . On my lunch hour , the same day , I printed the texts and emails and emailed them to response @ airbnb . com . This was a reply to the email that she sent to me as promised . That email went through fine . When I got home I put all of the photos together . I then tried to email them to the same email address and immediately received an error email that Airbnb did not receive the email with a link . The link took me to the listing for the cabin and hosts along with the help page . This brings me to June 14th at 6 : 00 PM . I was just walking in the door from work and my phone rang ; it was Airbnb . There is a woman who confirms who I am and proceeds to tell me that they are closing my file as I have not responded to their requests … what have I been doing , then ? I proceeded to explain that yes , I have responded , several times what is she talking about , and we would not be closing the file , not by a long shot . Is there anyone there that even reads these responses ? We talked for a few minutes more , and she said she understood that there was likely some confusion on my part about the need to respond since you felt the matter was resolved . Not until recently did she find out that it wasn 't . She told me that she would speak to her supervisor and get back to me by phone or by email . Thanks so much for your patience throughout this process . We appreciate the time you 've taken to share your concerns with our team . However , we have issued our final decision for this case and we will disengage from further discussion on this topic . We 're truly passionate about providing our community of hosts and guests with the best possible traveling experience . I 'm really sorry that this hasn 't been the case here . Just know that we 're always working to improve our products and policies , and even when we aren 't able to accommodate requests , we absolutely value our users ' feedback . As a customer of Airbnb , your voice is both powerful and essential and I 'll be sure to pass your thoughts on to the right team . Airbnb will " disengage " from further conversations even though this matter is far from resolved . I have not spoken to the same person twice and Airbnb feels that they have done a thorough job investigating this case ? I 've sent copies of texts and emails . I was unable to send photos , as the email address that I used to send you copies of conversations had with the hosts always produced an error . I called your corporate office number and it said that someone would be in touch , I sent emails asking what to do … and nothing . Now this ? I did send the photos to the owner . He knows what the property looked like and still couldn 't find anything wrong ? He never even commented on it . Maybe he knew he wouldn 't have to provide anything to you , because Airbnb really didn 't care one way or the other ? You ruled in his favor , as that 's what he told me , and left it up to him to decide on a refund ? So , instead of making your host follow through on what he wrote to me , you threw me , the customer under the bus and let him decide . How convenient for you . We were told that we would receive a refund on the 19th at 11 : 47 AM from our hosts . I thought the matter fully resolved and wrote as much in an email to your staff . A refund is what I was promised and a refund is what I fully intend to pursue . I will seek legal advice in the matter of this rental . I work hard for what I have and we paid your company up front for a cabin advertised as something it was not . These are unacceptable business practices and I 'm more than a little insulted that you think that what Airbnb did was a " resolution " to this situation . You and your " host " turned what was to be a celebration of our daughter 's graduation into a nightmare ! As a follow - up , my husband then phoned and got a young lady on the phone to again explain what had happened . He asked to speak to a manager as it is apparent that the people who answer the phones can 't get anything done . She asked to whom we had spoken and the name of the person we last spoke to . I gave them the name of the representative and then told her there was an email signed by BobbiLee . She told us that she was trying to get through to her , but couldn 't get an answer . She said that BobbiLee was in the office . She said that she would message her to call us back ASAP . It never happened , and we have not heard from anyone since . This was the call that I was told they had received the pictures that I sent , and the cancellation email that I sent , even though I received an error message on my end ? So , if they had all of the information and the pictures , how can they say that I didn 't respond to their requests for information ? I found this website . Maybe there is something that I can find out here … thanks for letting me vent . However , I am so truly disturbed by this experience that I will never use Airbnb again . The good experiences that I have had have been overshadowed by this one . I 'm disgusted that others may have to go through this as well . I am going to keep working on this , I assure you . I would appreciate any feedback . Posted on June 23 , 2017 I 'm currently fighting with Airbnb and this con - artist host to resolve this issue . I will post updates if possible . Here is the rundown of everything I sent to Airbnb , with a request for a full refund : I 'd like a full refund for this incorrectly advertised , poorly hosted , nightmare of an Airbnb rental . I 'll start off by explaining what was wrong with the property itself before I go into the more disturbing issue with the host . First of all , the advertisement was listed as : " massive downtown seven bedroom . " The description said it was a large home that was very spacious , with large bedrooms . The first thing we noticed as we we drove twenty minutes past downtown was the location . A rundown , beat - up house in the middle of a bad neighborhood in the south end of Ottawa . We were disappointed before going in , but tried to make light of the situation . We walked in to a crammed kitchen , a tiny excuse for a living area , with what was supposed to be the rest of it converted into the first " bedroom " . The rest of the house was just as small and crammed . The first thing we went to do , as a small group of six , was to sit down in the kitchen and start eating some of the food we brought with us . We went to go sit down and the table tipped over and almost broke . We lifted the corner of it and I messaged the host to tell her about the issue . She kindly told me where the tools were in her house in case I wanted to fix it . I told her I 'd leave the table in the corner and wouldn 't use it instead ; she had no problem with that . The place was clean for the most part except for bugs . Only eight of us stayed the night , and only four bedrooms were used out of the six small ones available . The next day , we cleaned up what we could , except all the dishes , because we knew that was taken care of with the cleaning charge . We even swept everywhere before we left . I personally checked every bedroom and washroom to make sure the place was properly presentable and a five - star rating was completely within reach for myself as a guest . I locked the front and side doors and put the key in the lockbox happy with the overall trip even though the Airbnb was disappointing . Then came everything afterwards . Kate messaged me asking me what I thought of the property and to give her a personal review . I gave her a review in a polite and respectful way and even praised her as a host , just to be nice . I don 't think she liked my review so that was the last I heard from her for the day . I realized I forgot my wallet in one of the rooms and messaged Kate the same day to ask her if she could please meet me or do whatever protocol we have to go through to retrieve my lost wallet . It took her over 24 hours to reply , after I reached out to Airbnb support for the issue . This leads me all back to right now . The host just sent me a disgusting message and is outright lying in all her claims . It 's very shameful someone in a position such as herself , who manages multiple properties , would be this slimy and corrupt in an attempt to pull more money out of her overpriced rental property than she already has . I 'd like Airbnb to call me personally to deal with this . The only claim that she was accurate about was us moving that 8 × 10 paper - thin sorry excuse for a ' carpet ' she had on the living room floor . No one touched the TV , the windows or the screens . We never left the residence so no one was ever locked out . The host is trying to steal money and delete the mediocre review I gave her . There 's more I have to add . The six pictures of evidence the host provided were lazy enough to help prove all of it was a lie . She showed one broken screen in the backyard of the house that we didn 't go near or had any reason to go to . She opened the garbage bag that we left outside of all the things we cleaned , and for some reason took a picture to prove something in her favor … ? There were a few flakes of ash in a bathtub that they placed to take a picture of , and then there 's a picture of what looks like a perfectly good TV - no picture of the " pulled out " cord . No picture of any broken fan . Then a picture of the living room that also looks very neat and tidy . There was also one more picture of a window , one with nothing wrong with it . Apparently we broke two windows ? The house was " smoking allowed " so the years of stench from other people smoking was strong when we came in . I still feel like I 'm dreaming because I can 't believe that people have to resort to this slimy low level just to make extra money . Anyways , I 'll fight this in court if I have to . Posted on June 22 , 2017 Upon arrival , this host asked us to pay an extra $ 90 for a security deposit that she hadn 't posted on Airbnb . It was strange because she didn 't care when she got it ; she just wanted it to keep it . We told her that she hadn 't posted it on her Airbnb and we didn 't have enough money with us . In response , she threatened to kick us out right then and there . She then told us we had to go with her to the tourist agency and we told her we were already registered . She then told us we weren 't and told us that we can 't leave the country without a " white cardboard " . We had been in Montenegro using Airbnb for some time and no one else had ever asked us to register . All her messages seemed very threatening towards us . The apartment was unsafe because none of the doors locked . The wifi did not connect . We were very disappointed in this host and believe she should not have been able to host . She was very misleading and seemed like a scammer . Now we are out $ 154 because she told us if we didn 't give her more money we would have to leave . It does not seem fair to us that we could either leave or be kicked out and still be out of the money . We are young traveling college students who had really loved using Airbnb . I hope to still use it . I 'm not sure if any money could be refunded ; if it could , that would be wonderful . If not , she should not be hosting in the future . She tried to scam us and threatened us . Overall , we love Airbnb but please take this into consideration . Posted on June 21 , 2017 I found a place on Airbnb , booked it , and started my conversation with the host . I found out that the host had two dogs that have roaming rights over the grounds . This was not mentioned in the listing . It 's probably not a big deal to most folks , but I 'm a dog breeder , with an unspayed female bitch . Where I go , my beloved dog goes . As my dog is more than a pet , her welfare is of utmost importance to me . Given the presence of canine influenza and other male dogs , and the fact that nothing was mentioned in the listing , I choose to find another place . However , the strict cancellation fee states I only get half of my funds back . What a crock … I have placed a complaint and asked for help from Airbnb . They had to think about it and will let me know in due course if I 'm able to get any more of my funds back . No time frame was provided when they may let me know . I had booked the place at 10 : 00 AM , found out about the dogs , and contacted Airbnb at 5 : 00 PM the same day . This is probably my first and last time using this company . Posted on June 14 , 2017 My daughter and fiancé moved to the Seattle area . Upon arrival they discovered their apartment wasn 't ready due to mold issues . They had to retile the place and wouldn 't be able to allow guests to move in for another week . My family was stuck . They also had a sweet older cat with them . They had to book a hotel for the first night . I , being the helpful mom to my 22 - year - old kid and her fiancee and kitty , wanted to look into an Airbnb rental so they could be comfortable . I found this listing . If you scroll down on pricing it says : " Extra people : $ 48 / night after the first guest . " It could be my mistake that I did not see this . I was going back and forth with her from Friday evening into Saturday late morning about the listing . Moving forward , I went to book and the price went from $ 80 per / night to $ 128 per / night . I attached the screen shots of our messages and my confusion on the part of the second guest . If you read this , you can see she is even confused and looks like she is saying that I was probably trying to book for three guests ( myself , daughter and her fiancé ) and she said I need to book for a total of two people . I made the mistake of thinking when I put one guest I thought myself plus one guest . It was a dumb mistake on my part since I have booked with Airbnb before . However , in all the comparable listings in that area - I clicked through about twenty - the prices were always for two people ; I didn 't think twice and booked it . The other thing , the host clearly saw me saying " them " when referring to guests and listing their names . I even told her their story in the beginning : how it was my daughter , her fiancé , and their cat ( I did not include this screenshot , but I can if needed ) . Here 's where it gets interesting . My kid had her number and proceeded to text the host that they were on their way . She texted my kid and said " your mom only paid for one person . " My kid asked how much it would be for two people and she stated it would be an additional $ 180 . I told my kid that it was too much , thinking there are other places for that price that were private . Did I mention that this host 's place was not private ? She said it was like " one big master bedroom , but the kitchen and bathroom is shared . " She has it listed as an entire home / apartment but the room and living room was separated from the kitchen by a blackout curtain ; her and her husband 's room is private in the back . $ 128 per night in that area ? Why didn 't I just book a whole cottage for $ 100 per night ? You can see in my messaging that I was considering having them just stay the one night and not the rest of the week . However , I ended up canceling the whole thing and they stayed in a hotel . I also wanted to attach the text messaging thread . You can 't get each other 's number until you book for safety purposes . She and I were texting back and forth with this misunderstanding and I apologized profusely . I asked then if I would get refunded . She assured me I would . I told her okay , I would cancel and thanked her for the refund . I knew she had a strict cancellation policy but I figured she has been super nice and understood the situation was my mistake . The next day I contacted the Airbnb resolution center on the site . All I wanted was to make sure she refunded me . They told me to request money from the host , so I did . There was space to put the reason and I typed " misunderstanding at check in , host agreed to refund full amount . " What does she respond with ? " Not truthful guest . " She then declined to refund me . If she would have said " no , sorry I can 't give you a refund " then I at least I could have paid the extra $ 180 and not be out $ 400 . She basically has no one staying in her place for five days and Airbnb and the host got $ 450 ( fees included ) out of me . Even Expedia doesn 't do that . Once I accidentally booked the wrong dates and was out of the cancellation policy . They still refunded me and told me : " It 's ok . Sometimes stuff happens . " I ended up calling my bank to have them dispute the charges . I had to tell them the whole story and send them the screenshots of the messages . When a case manager from Airbnb called me , he seemed nice at first , taking in my story . I even sent them the screenshots of the text messages where she stated more than once she would refund me . He said they are the final say in this matter . I received a call back from the case manager the next day . He stated the host said I lied and tried to " pull one over " on her , that I tried to book for one guest and was really bringing two . Like she didn 't know and capitalized on my mistake . Then she said I called her and harassed her . I did no such thing . If I were able to upload all the screenshots of the text messages then you could see I was nothing but apologetic and kind . Now this host was so rude . He was talking over me , yelling at me , and bullying me . I was made out to be the villain . This host just joined this month and had no reviews . That in itself should have been a red flag . The Airbnb case manager made me feel foolish and said that this host has a strict cancellation policy ; when I booked , he stated that it was a legal and binding contract and he cannot force the host to refund the money . He said she wasn 't going to refund the money at all and I am basically screwed . First off he talked over me , then when I did the same he yelled at me . When I raised my voice he said over and over this was a legal and binding contract and in the end he essentially said : " Well , you have booked with us before . You should know how to book . This is your fault and you will not be refunded . " He didn 't even offer a partial refund or a voucher . Nothing . I hung up and cried because I was just bullied on the phone over nothing , just an Airbnb listing . Why does this case agent even care ? He should have tried to be a better mediator in this situation and look at my history of being a guest : I have never complained or done anything shady . I 've blasted Airbnb on Twitter . You may have seen them if you follow @ airbnbhell because I copied them on Twitter too . The case manager emailed me and said " it was a pleasure talking to you this morning … blah blah blah " I responded with a lengthy email , told him he bullied me and yelled at me , and I was in tears afterwards . I mean I hate be the victim but this host acted like one and got $ 400 + out of it . Why can 't I tell the truth and tell them how I felt ? I felt like a used pair of underwear . When I emailed them back I also copied Belinda Johnson , who is Airbnb 's Chief Legal Council , and Donna Boyer , who is Airbnb 's Director of Product . Working in tech in the Bay Area ( where Airbnb is headquartered ) you can find out who these people are . Just about an hour ago I received an apology from Anthony with a $ 200 voucher . Really ? Seriously ? If I do not plan to use Airbnb anymore , what good is it going to do me ? Just send me my money ! At least send a voucher that is equal if not more than what I went out of pocket . I ended up rebooking another listing for my daughter through Airbnb and luckily that went fine . It would have been nice if this voucher was there before that since I just plan to use VBRO or VaCasa or something else in the future . Thanks for listening to me ramble . Posted on June 14 , 2017 Our Airbnb property was advertised as a " full loft " with " dedicated parking behind the building " , which is why we chose it . We arrived in Montreal and drove right by the property twice , because it 's a poorly - marked , hard - to - find doorway between two other buildings . Behind the building there were no markings about where to park and / or that there was a safe , dedicated area for guest 's vehicles . Our email from the host suggested we park across the street on the public road . Due to the French signage and parking permit issues , I did not want to do that for fear my car would be towed . After hauling our luggage up a narrow , tall flight of stairs , we were confronted by a narrow hallway that smelled like cat urine . There may have been a " full loft " up here at one time , but what we saw were three doorways with numbers on them . Behind our doorway there was a room that was , perhaps , 10 ' x 10 ' with one tiny , skinny window above eye level and a skylight . In the original listing photograph that accompanied our original reservation confirmation email , there had been a real bed with end tables ; the actual bed in the room we got was a pull - out couch with a two - inch thin mattress . There was no kitchen , only a small counter and bar fridge . No table on which to eat breakfast . The bathroom was so small , if one person was on the toilet and the other opened the door , it would have hit them in the knees and the head . The room was like a student residence , not a " full loft . " My suspicion is that this property had once been a " full loft " but , in order to pack in the people like sardines to make more money , it had been divided up with thin walls ( that also needed some fresh paint ) . We had planned to cook and have friends over during our stay , but it was so small and embarrassing , we left within the hour and found a hotel instead . We contacted the host immediately : he defended the property and said we hadn 't looked at the photographs closely enough . He said he would contact Airbnb to see about a refund , which I assume was a stalling tactic since the Airbnb site clearly states that refunds are up to the discretion of the host . We also got the impression that the host listed hasn 't even seen the spaces on his profile and is only managing them through text messaging and emails . We have taken a screenshot from our original reservation confirmation , along with a screen shot of the follow up emails . As you can see , at first glance , both spaces shown are similar ( barnboard on wall , deer art above bed ) but that 's where the similarities end . We booked this space based on the first photos from the original listing and the original reservation confirmation . I don 't know if the host was trying to pull a " bait and switch " , but to us this is misleading and why we are asking for a refund . Posted on June 10 , 2017 This trip to Mexico was intended to be a fun get away for myself and two other girlfriends . One of my friends did all of the reservation making at least a month in advance . About three weeks before our trip , the owner of our Airbnb in El Pescadero wrote us saying that after his last renter he wasn 't going to rent the upstairs master bedroom and bathroom anymore . My friend just thought that since there were only three of us , we could make due . The owner , however , never mentioned that all of the views were upstairs where we weren 't welcome . My friend also asked him specifically about the condition of the dirt road from the main road to the house . He said , " oh , it 'll be fine in a rental car ! " A couple days before the trip , he sent a text saying that the refrigerator had a problem but his neighbor went over and fixed it . A few days before the trip , our friend who made the reservations now couldn 't go since her husband was in the hospital with pneumonia . The two of us headed to Mexico alone for our vacation . We rented our car and drove an hour to the town . When we turned on to the dirt road it was a 20 - minute drive on the most potted - pitted road from hell to the house . We had a hand drawn map that the host had sent but none of the landmarks he used existed . We had to drive 20 minutes back up to ask for help with finding the house . On our way down the RFH we kept seeing men weaving in and out of a pathway through bushes . That was a little unnerving , to say the least . We finally found the house . We opened the door and the first thing we noticed was the place smelled bad . We looked around and saw it was dirty and grimy . The TV room had an old microfiber sofa that was lumpy and darkened , and the glass coffee table was disgustingly filmy and grimy . There was a blow - up mattress up against the wall , and the area rug was old and stained . We looked in the kitchen and the front of the fridge was gross . We opened the fridge to find it full of the host 's items with a small amount of room on two shelves for our eight - day stay . The worst part was the fridge stunk and was tepid in temperature . There was a spoiled , rancid odor . The half bathroom was dirty with bugs in old candles and personal crap around . We were in a cell dead zone and neither of us could sign on to the wifi . We had no way of communicating with anyone . The ocean looked much closer on his website pictures . We felt stuck in some disgusting filthy house in a desolate part of Mexico with no way of asking for help if we needed it . We sent the host a text telling him his house wasn 't represented well and unacceptable . Therefore , we weren 't staying there . We then headed out to find a place to sleep . We were exhausted , frustrated , stressed and extremely disappointed . We wound up spending a fortune to stay at a nice place and try to salvage our vacation . We have been denied a refund by Airbnb who sided with the host . This house was clearly a bait and switch . The host said we should have called so he could have had his neighbor come over and fix all of the problems . As a host , he should have had all of the problems fixed before we arrived . We are still trying to dispute the charges . $ 175 . 00 a night in that part of Mexico is really expensive , especially for a hovel like this property . I will never travel outside of the country and trust Airbnb . I see no integrity with the customer service agent assigned to our case . She won 't listen to reason or extenuating circumstances . Evicted for no Reason , Sheriff Called for no Reason Posted on June 10 , 2017 My girlfriend and I checked into this " cottage " in Corona , California . We met the host , and things were cool . The host talked at length about her ex - husband who was a professional drug courier / dealer , and her last boyfriend , the permanent drunk . She indicated that her last Airbnb guests were four Muslim men . She said she did not like the way they smelled and talked . So what did she do ? She cooked bacon to antagonize them . She said she tried to evict them because they were in their room . The host had a guest after our booking who reserved the room for thirty days ( as it was open ) but this was unacceptable to her . She wanted different guests each day so they could go to the beach , not one consistent guest . On the morning after check in , having stayed at the property for over eighteen hours , my girlfriend was called home to check in on her mother . The host 's ideal guest is someone who checks in , then departs from 8 : 00 AM to 10 : 00 PM for the beach . Since I was waiting for my girlfriend , the host wanted to photograph my identification . I asked her to show me the Airbnb request for such a thing . She called the Home Owners Association ( HOA ) security . Then the sheriff was called . The host told the sheriff lies . Total lies . The host claimed that there was sexual harassment . That is crazy ; I was with my girlfriend . This from a woman in a bikini . In a house full of sexual fetish and weird objects . The host lied for no reason . I packed my bags and departed the property with no problems . The host stole my original Airbnb receipt along with other items to minimize my leverage . Once a complaint was made to Airbnb , management sat on it for seven days , then they wrote a message saying this : " We are contacting you regarding your Airbnb account . We regret to inform you that we are no longer able to support your account due to violations of our Community Standards & Expectations . As a result of this determination , we have taken steps to permanently deactivate your account . Additionally , we are unable Fair Warning ? Who 's to Blame for this Airbnb Accident ? Posted on June 9 , 2017 My husband and wanted to return to the New Forest for a weekend 23 years after we had our honeymoon there . I found a beautiful barn conversion on Airbnb . We arrived around 8 : 00 PM on the Friday evening and was treated by our host 's son , a student . He said the door was unlocked and the key was inside . We went in and made ourselves at home . I cooked a meal and we lit the fire log burner . We sat and tried to access the internet ; I had to ask him for the password . He said it was in the manual on the fridge . I looked and there was nothing but a bread board . I located the book ( which was a completely unmarked ring binder in a small bookshelf ) , we found the code and I started to read through the book . There were lots of pages to read , but I read them all . There was a little note at the end , almost an afterthought , saying that the towel rail gets hot . We then watched some TV and went to bed around 11 : 00 PM . When we woke on Saturday morning my husband wanted a shower . It was a great shower . However , when my husband got out and bent over to pick the towel off the floor , he burnt his buttocks on the towel rail . He screamed so loud , I ran to him and thought he was messing around at first . Then he turned around and he had the most horrific burns I had ever seen . It had removed several layers of skin and seeping raw flesh was in welts across his buttocks . He was in agony . The worst part of this was that we had arrived on our Victory motorcycle , and the thought of travelling 3 - 4 hours home on Sunday was worrying to say the least . I wanted him to go to the hospital , but without knowing the area we opted for the nearest chemist . I asked the host where that was ; he asked if everything was ok and my husband replied : " No , it bloody isn 't ! I 've just burnt my arse on your f % & # g towel rail ! " He was in so much pain . We set off tentatively to the chemist where he did not want to come in out of embarrassment . I went in , described the symptoms , and got the largest wound dressings they could find and some burn gel . Returning to the barn , I dressed the wound . However , the gel he 'd given us was hurting it even more , so I carefully washed that off and tried to keep as much of the skin I could around the wound . Later the same day , my husband went off to find his friend to take his mind off the pain as much as he could . At this stage we still had not seen or heard from the host 's son . I was sitting in the sun when a friend of hers came by , saying she was just popping in to see the host 's son . She was there for some time so I gathered he was in . I thought this extremely rude , especially under the circumstances . We stayed until early Sunday and left . There was another surprise when we returned home as the host had written a report that I was pleasant , but my partner was rude and had shouted at her son about the towel rail . She also stated that we had left black marks all over her white rug which she said we had made from our dirty boots from the motorcycle we arrived on . Instantly I realised she was completely prejudiced against bikers and would blame anything she could on us . We took our boots off at the door ( as we always do ) and the marks were already on her rug ; I thought they had probably come from the log burner . I thought nothing of them when we entered the property . As you can imagine , we were both livid with her response . We decided to make a claim against the host and got our solicitor onto it as soon as we could . However we seem to have many problems with that , as the host has not responded to any email and our solicitor wants another address we can contact her by . This I realised was more difficult than I thought as trying to contact Airbnb is almost impossible . |
Asphodel looked at the woman who had helped her up and onto a seat . She was wearing white robes tied with a green sash . Asphodel knew this indicated the woman was a vicar and a cleric of Sylissa , the goddess of healing . The woman looked around forty years old and had a few grey hairs just beginning to appear in her dark hair . Her brown eyes had small laughter lines around them and she smiled at Asphodel . The cleric raised her eyebrows , then replied , ' To Bluehaven ultimately . We pass through a number of other towns though . First we go through several small villages in Erian before we get to the border with Grosmer . There aren 't any large towns between Frelli and Grosmer . ' Asphodel paused , then it all came out in a rush . She told the whole story from meeting Vass to him hitting her . Then her eyes filled with tears and she looked away . The other woman moved across to sit next to the girl . she put her arm around her and said , ' You made a mistake , yes , but we all make mistakes , especially when young . How much did you give the caravan leader ? ' ' But Vass saw which caravan I was on . He 'll get the next one and come after me , I know it . ' Her eyes darted around the wagon as though expecting to see Vass jump out from behind the cloth roof . The cleric patted her hand . ' Don 't worry about than for now , ' she said . ' We 'll sort something out . The next caravan in this direction isn 't for a couple of days . By the way , my name 's Trinelli . ' Trinelli followed the man to a wagon and went inside . Out of curiosity , Asphodel followed . She stood in the entrance to the covered wagon and watched as Trinelli placed her hands on the woman and prayed to Sylissa . The cleric 's head slumped forward . Asphodel watched as the sick woman 's colour began to return . Trinelli , at the same time , became paler . Asphodel almost thought she could see something flowing from Trinelli to the woman , but then she decided she was imagining it . ' Yes . When I - or any of us - heals someone , the goddess sends her power , but it also takes some of our life essence to work . That 's why we 're always tired after healing . ' ' I thought I saw something going from you to her , ' Asphodel said . ' I couldn 't have , though , could I ? What you give her is invisible . ' The caravan stopped for the night . The caravan leader came to Asphodel and told her that her money had only given her passage to the next village . The girl looked frightened . ' I have this ring . ' She reluctantly held out the ring she had picked up before leaving . ' It was my grandmother 's . I think it 's valuable . ' ' Well , she can 't have free passage . ' He shrugged . ' She has nothing else . Seems it 's the ring or she leaves next stop . ' ' I can 't let you pay for me , ' Asphodel protested . ' That 's a lot of money . When we get to a town , I 'll sell my ring and pay you back , I promise . ' ' You 'll do no such thing . If you want to pay me back you can help me when I go to heal people . People are always getting sick or hurt on these journeys . Your help will be worth more to me than coin . I 'm going to Bluehaven , to the temple there , so I paid enough for you to get there too . ' Has Asphodel has found a means to get far enough away from Vass ? How can she help a healer ? She 's been brought up as one of the privileged classes in Elven society . How can she help a healer when she has no idea of healing ? Asphodel held the ring tightly in her hand . Her mother had given it to her not long before she left Rindisillaron . It had been her grandmother 's ring and she felt an emotional attachment to it . Although elves lived long lives in comparison with humans , they did not , contrary to popular belief , live forever , nor were they immune from diseases that ravaged the world of Vimar . Her grandmother had succumbed to one of these diseases the previous year . She wanted Asphodel to have her engagement ring as a keepsake . Now , Asphodel clutched the ring as she wept for what she knew would never be . Vass had become addicted to the drugs and alcohol that his so - called friends had plied him with . He would never make the fortune he had promised her . All his money , and hers , had gone on his own addiction and not to selling the goods to others . She packed her few belongings and searched the apartment for anything she could sell , and for some food . She packed it all into the pack she had carried away from Quatissillaron when she and Vass had eloped . She paused to think for a moment before opening it again and taking out half of the food . She could not leave Vass with nothing . The few objects she had stuffed in , she left there . After all , Vass had plenty money with her jewellery . How he chose to use it was up to him . She blew her nose , looked round the apartment that now looked presentable after all her efforts and walked out of the door . She looked both ways along the street . A few people were going about their business , but they took no notice of a girl coming out of her apartment . Vass was nowhere in sight . Asphodel supposed he had gone to sell her jewellery . The jeweller 's shop was to the right , so she went left in the direction of her workplace . It was dark on the street and Asphodel felt a little afraid as she walked . Where could she go ? Perhaps her employer would allow her to spend the night there , then she could go and see if she could find a caravan going away from Frelli . If she could find her way to the caravanserai through the winding , spiral streets of the city . ' I need to get away , ' she said . ' I 'm sure Vass will try to find me . I need to go a long way away . I can 't go back to him . ' ' Of course you can 't , ' she said . ' Men who hit women never change . Oh , they say they 're sorry and perhaps they are , but then the drink and drugs will take over again and it will keep on happening . ' ' I still love him , ' said Asphodel , raising her tear - streaked face . ' I don 't know why , after what he 's done . Not only to me , but to others by selling them drugs . He started selling before he started taking them . I know if I saw him , and he asked me , I 'd go back to him . That 's why I need to get right away . ' The next morning , Krommel told one of his sons to escort Asphodel to the caravanserai . Asphodel was glad of his company and guidance as she knew she would never have found it on her own . It lay just inside the walls to the west . Which one to take ? There were several that looked ready to leave . suddenly , Asphodel saw , through the crowds , a familiar figure . Vass . He looked angry as he pushed people aside . His head turned this way and that , looking . How had he found out where she was ? Had Krommel told him ? No , her former employer wouldn 't have done , she was certain of that . Perhaps he just guessed . Then he spotted her . He reached into his pocket and gave something to a small figure . It was Krommel 's son . Vass had bribed the child into saying where he 'd taken her . She could not blame the child . No one had told him not to tell Vass . The days passed . Asphodel worked and Vass went out with the people he called his friends . One day he brought them home with him . Asphodel did not like them and after they had gone , she told him so . Vass laughed at her and said that it did not matter . They would get them money and riches . ' You sound like my mother , Asphodel . My friends gave it to me to sell . They took some of the money and I had the rest . Now give it a rest . We 've money for the rent with some left over . I 'm going out again . ' Asphodel worried . She worried about where the money came from and what Vass had been given to sell , and she worried about Vass himself . He seemed to be changing . He was out much of the time and when he was in he was not as loving as he had been . Asphodel waited , and waited , and waited . She went to bed . In the early hours of the morning she heard the door open and Vass came in . He was full of energy and sat on the bed . This went on for several weeks . Vass had initially been selling grimlo , a powerful drug . Then one night his friends has persuaded him to try some himself . Soon Vass was spending more money on buying the drug for his own use than he was getting from the sales . His ' friends ' demanded their share of the sales , but Vass did not have enough to pay them for the drugs he bought from them . He was also drinking heavily . ' Vass , ' she said , ' you 've not brought any money in for an age and you 've spent all my earnings . I don 't have any money . We are in debt and are likely to be thrown out of this hovel because we have no money to pay the rent . ' ' Then give me some of your precious jewellery to sell . I can get some more grimlo from my friends and sell it for more than a necklace is worth . That 'll get the rent and more . ' ' I need some more , ' he said . ' That wasn 't enough . I needed to pay my friends for what I 've already had . Now I need money to get more . ' ' Well , you 're not getting it from me . You 've spent all my cash and my wages and are now spending my jewellery . You aren 't going to sell any grimlo , are you ? You 'll buy some more from your so - called friends and use it yourself . You 're addicted , Vass . Those people saw you coming . They trapped you nicely . Get you to start off selling the stuff and promise great riches , then they get you to try it yourself , and bam ! you 're addicted and spending all your , no my , money making them rich . ' Once in the village , the pair found an inn where they booked a room for three nights . Vass said if there were work in this village they would see about finding a more permanent place to stay , if not , they would need to move on . After all , their money and Asphodel 's jewellery would not last for ever . ' Hmm . ' The old woman peered again at Asphodel , then said , ' I 'll have to believe you . I don 't know anything about elves so I can 't tell if you 're lying or not . ' She turned round and reached up to a box on a shelf behind her . She weighed out some of the herbs then reached for another box . From this one she added a different herb . She put them into a pestle and began mixing them together . They did not find any work in the village , and so they left after their second night at the inn . Vass thought they should go to Frelli , the capital of Erian . There would be more work there , he reasoned , and so they set off once again . ' So this is Frelli , ' Asphodel said , as they searched for an inn . ' I 'm not sure I like it very much . Not much in the way of trees is there . ' The pair found an inn , and the next morning set off to try to find work . Asphodel quickly found a scribe who was looking for someone who could read and write . His last clerk had left the previous week . Vass , on the other hand , found work more difficult to come by . He had no skills required by the businesses in Frelli . ' What ? Get myself filthy ? Darling , I don 't want to come home to you dirty . ' He lifted up a lock of her black hair and kissed it . ' I have more respect for you than to expect you to live with someone who 's dirty . ' Vass left again the following morning to look for work and for somewhere for them to live . After all they could not live at the inn . It would be far too expensive . Asphodel left soon afterwards to begin her new job at the scribe 's office . At the end of the day , she rushed back to the inn to tell Vass about her day . He told her he had not looked for a job that day , but had found them somewhere to live . He had put down a deposit and they could move in immediately . Vas put his arms round her and said , ' Asphodel , my darling , I daren 't wait . The place might have gone by the time you got home . There aren 't many places to rent in this city , you know . I had to make a decision straight away . ' Asphodel was appalled . It was in the poorest quarter of the city with rats running around in the filthy street . The apartment itself was one room . It had a filthy rug in the centre of the room and a sofa that looked as if it had been dragged in from the rubbish tip . It , too . was filthy . There was a greasy sink in one corner of the room , and a fireplace with an oven at the side . In the fireplace were ashes left from several fires . ' I suppose it won 't be too bad if I can get it clean . I 'll start now . It 's a good job we ate before we left the inn . I wouldn 't like to eat anything that had been cooked in here . ' Asphodel spent the evening cleaning . She did not get everything to her liking , but it was better than before . She killed at least two dozen cockroaches , and went out to buy mousetraps as she felt sure there must be mice there . A large cupboard stood next to the sink , and this she filled with cleaning products and then she cleaned out a small cupboard with a mesh front for food . The bed she could do little about , but she determined to wash the sheets the next day . They had access to a small garden at the back of the house and she thought she could wash the sheets before she went to work the next day and with any luck they would be dry when she got home . The mattress she could do little about that night , but decided that one of the first things she would do would be to go out and sell some of her jewellery and buy a new one . ' S - sorry , ' stammered Vass . ' I meeted , no , met , shome blokes in the tavern . ' He staggered . ' They shtold me all shorts of shtuff . Oh , I feel shick . ' The next weeks followed a similar pattern . Asphodel cleaned before and after work and Vass went out to meet his new friends . Each evening he came home drunk . Sometimes more , sometimes less . One evening Vass did not arrive home at all . Asphodel was at last satisfied with what she had done to the apartment and had been out and bought some flowers and put them on the table . she cooked a meal with what they could afford and waited for Vass to arrive . The meal got cold , then congealed . Asphodel threw it away . The night crept on and Asphodel fell asleep on a chair . She worried that Vass had gone somewhere else in Frelli and had got lost in the maze of streets . The layout of the city was confusing . It appeared to be straightforward , with the roads spiralling towards the castle , but in reality it was a maze . ' Asphodel , ' Vass said , taking her in his arms . ' You look awful . So tired . ' He ran a finger over her eyes . ' You mustn 't go to work today , but sleep to get your beauty back . ' ' I must , ' she told him . ' You 've no job and we need money . You 're spending what I earn drinking with your friends . ' Vass laughed . ' I 'm investing it , ' he replied . ' My friends can get me work . I need to keep on their good sides though , so I must drink with them . ' At first they passed through the forest Asphodel knew . she had not been far away from Quantissarillishon , but had played in the forest around as she grew up . She knew the little streams and the tall trees . She could tell Vass which ones were the best to climb and which were almost impossible . She laughed as she pointed out one where Liss had got stuck when he climbed up too high . He was there for several hours until his father came and helped him down . They held hands as they walked , and did not stop even to eat . Asphodel took out some food she had pilfered from her mother 's pantry and they ate as they walked . Vass said they needed to get as far away as possible . Although Asphodel 's parents were away for a few days , Vass was unsure how long Liss 's parents would wait before becoming anxious . Certaily they would not worry until after nightfall , but would they be anxious then when he did not return for the night . He suspected they would . After all , he was their responsibility while staying with them . ' We can stay here for the night , ' he said . ' We 'll need a fire , though . You get water from the stream while I gather wood . ' Asphodel sat down and watched with interest . After cutting the turf and setting it aside to replace after they had finished with the fire , Vass picked up a stone from a pile he had collected . They were fairly large and he built a ring around the hearth . He picked up some dry leaves and placed them in the centre of the hearth before laying some small twigs over the top or them . Once he had everything prepared , he took a small metal box from his pack . When he opened it , he removed , a piece of steel . and a small sharpened piece of flint which he struck against the steel . Inside the box was some tinder and when the sparks from the steel fell onto it , it began to smoulder . Vass then blew gently and , taking a wooden splint , he lit it and applied it to the dry leaves . Asphodel looked around the clearing , fear showing in her eyes . She had not thought of wild animals , but of course , there would be bears , wolves and wild boar at the least . She realised how unprepared she was for this adventure . ' We must take it in turns to watch it . It 's not like having a full night 's sleep , and we 'll be more tired tomorrow , but it 's necessary . I 'd let you sleep , but I need some too . ' Vass frowned . ' Surely you knew what would happen if you came away with me ? I want us to be married , but there 's no need to wait . We 're not in Quantisarillishon now . ' ' Oh , Vass , I 'm worried about the pregnancy thing . I know elves expect youngsters to experiment , and it 's not really frowned on , but illegitimacy is . We 're expected to make sure we don 't get pregnant . ' Asphodel 's eyes filled with tears that she quickly brushed away . She was not going to let Vass 's anger upset her . This was their first quarrel , and undoubtedly they would have many more over their long lifetimes . She would get used to it , she determined , and not let it get to her . After a while , she felt her eyes closing . She stood up and walked around the clearing , gathering some more wood to put on the fire as it seemed to her to be getting low . The walking cleared her head a little , and as she sat down again , Ullin , the silver moon , broke through the clouds above the clearing turning everything silvery . Asphodel smiled . Ullin was full , and seemed to be smiling . The next morning , when Asphodel woke , Vass was putting the fire out . He removed the stones by kicking them out of the way . They were still hot . Then Asphodel watched as he replaced the turf he had cut away . Soon it would be difficult to see anyone had lit a fire here . Was she ? She could turn back now . Perhaps her parents had not come home from Daisy 's yet . and would not know of her escapade If they did know they would be angry , yes . Very angry . She would undoubtedly be punished severely , but they would forgive her . Frishillondor was not too bad . He was quite good looking for a man her father 's age , and he seemed kind . She might get to love him , eventually . ' Then why wait for us to make love ? You know elves have few babies . We 're not a very fertile species , unlike humans . It would be very unlikely you would become pregnant before we could get married . ' Her grey eyes took on a steely glint . ' Unlikely isn 't impossible , Vass . My mother had two babies whereas most elves only have one . We are of House Royal , and you know there are twins in the Royal line . We are more fertile than most elves . I 'm not risking it . ' Vass relapsed into silence and they continued walking . Then he suddenly turned to her and said , ' You are a most stubborn girl , Aspholessaria . ' He softened his words with a smile and bent to kiss her gently . Three days passed as they walked through the forest . There had been no sign of pursuit , nor any dangers from the denizens of the forest , either . Vass had been right about the fire keeping wild beasts away . After these three days , the trees thinned and then they met a track leading westwards . They followed it and soon saw smoke rising from chimneys in a small human village . How will Asphodel and Vass 's relationship progress now they are in human lands ? Will their parents find them or will they get married and live happily ever after ? Come back on the first Tuesday of January to find out . I recently read a book in which the author made many mistakes in the word he chose to use . I won 't embarrass him by naming the book or author just in case he ever looks at this post . Suffice it to say that it isn 't the usual genre I read , being horror . Now I 'm prepared to be generous and say some of these might , just might , be typos , but even in that case , it was poor . The manuscript should have been edited better . It 's things like this that give self - published authors a bad name . It 's easier to get a bad name than a good one , and very difficult to get rid of a bad name once it 's been established . Unfortunately , in many people 's eyes , self - published authors are poor and produce poor books , and it 's things like this that reinforce this opinion . So please , please , please , if you are a self - publishing author , or are thinking of self - publishing , get your manuscripts edited and all corrections made before going to press with it . At least read through it properly and get someone else ( as many someone elses as you can , preferably ) to do so as well if you can 't afford a professional editor . I 've never heard anyone say they couldn 't finish a book because it had no errors , but I 've heard many say the opposite . Asphodel left the house , tears streaming down her face . She would go to Vass . He would have a solution to this . She could not , would not marry this man . He was old , in spite of what her father said . It was wrong to force someone to marry against their will . It was one thing if the two people both agreed to the arrangement , but she did not agree . She loved Vass . If she married Frishillondor she would never be able to see Vass again . she could not bear that thought . She ran down the path leading to where he was staying with his cousin , Liss . It so happened that the two young men were just leaving the house . Vass ran to Asphodel and took her in his arms . ' Vass , it 's terrible . Father has arranged a marriage for me with a man who himself is old enough to be my father . I told father I won 't marry him and ran out of the house . He 'll be so angry . He 'll make me marry Frishillondor , I just know it . ' ' Asphodel , I swear I won 't let this marriage go ahead . I love you and you love me . It 's right we should be together , and this marriage is all wrong . ' ' But what are we going to do ? I know we should be together , Vass , and somehow I 'll make sure we will be . I don 't know how , just yet , but whatever happens , I won 't marry this man . ' Asphodel 's tears had stopped . She clenched her fists pressed her lips together and looked up at Vass . She saw his smile and her heart beat faster . Yes , this was the right man for her , not Frishillondor . Liss shrugged . ' It might not be easy to persuade them . After all , they would be likely to agree with Asphodel 's parents , that it 's her duty to marry the man they choose for her . ' ' No , they won 't mind . In fact they won 't even know until Asphodel tells them . They 've gone away to stay with her sister for a few days . ' ' O - Oh , er . I don 't know . Daisy , that 's Dassirrola , my sister , is expecting a baby any day and I think they 'll stay until she 's had it . ' ' Oh , I understand that , ' said Liss 's mother . ' Your mother is so lucky having two of you . That 's rare in elvenkind . Most of us have to make do with one child . ' Vass almost broke out laughing , and Liss 's jaw nearly dropped to the floor . How easy it had turned out to be after all . No arguing a case for Asphodel to stay after all . His kind - hearted mother had done it for them . Once there , he took her hand and said , ' I hardly slept last night , darling . I was thinking and thinking how we can be together and I came to the conclusion there is only one way . We must run away . ' ' Not to anywhere in Rindissillaron . This is a big continent . We could go to Erian . They 'd not find us there . But we must go quickly . Your parents will be already looking for you . First they 'll think you stayed with Sissi and not worry , but this evening they 'll begin asking . It won 't take them long before they think of looking here . We should go tonight , or at the latest , tomorrow morning . ' ' Then we 'll go . I have a few jewels and a little money . If I can get them without my parents seeing me , then I will . We 'll need money . ' ' I 've a little money too . Not much , but I can work , and you can read and write so you can get a job as a scribe , I expect . We 'll get along just fine . ' Vass laughed . ' No , but we 're both intelligent people and we learned Elvish , didn 't we ? How hard can it be to learn Erian ? ' She wandered out into the city . She had an errand to do for her mother anyway , but she found her steps taking her towards where Linn lived . As she passed his house , the two young men came out . ' Asphodel , ' called Vass . ' I 'm so glad we 've seen you . Are you and Sissi going to Allimissoro 's tonight ? Liss and I are , and I 'd very much like it if you were there too . ' ' I don 't know , ' replied the girl . ' I 've not seen Sissi for a couple of days . I 'll go and ask her later , when I 've done the jobs mother wants me to do . ' Later , Sissi agreed to go to Allimissoro 's that evening to meet the two young men . Asphodel was still in confusion . Vass had said he would like it if they were there , but did he mean her , Sissi or both of them ? Later that evening , it became apparent that Vass 's interest was in Asphodel . He danced with her all evening and hardly took his eyes from her when he was not dancing . That evening he walked her home without the accompaniment of Sissi and Liss , who walked home separately . Half - way to Asphodel 's home , their hands touched . Asphodel 's stomach turned over again as Vass took her hand in his . They walked along in silence , each happy in the other 's company . The world around them had vanished . There was only Vass in the world as far as Asphodel was concerned . All too soon the walk ended and they stood outside Asphodel 's home . Vass put a fnger under Asphodel 's chin and lifted her face , then he bent his head to kiss her . When his lips met hers she thought she would faint with pleasure . Asphodel and Sissi 's visits to Allimissoro 's became more frequent over the next few months . She did not deliberately keep her relationship with Vass secret from her parents , but she just never bothered to tell them . It didn 't seem important they should know . She was engrossed in her growing relationship with Vass . That was all that seemed important to the girl . He was kind and attentive and always complemented her on how she looked . Soon the pair took to meeting other than at Allimissoro 's and took frequent walks in the land outside the city . If her mother thought anything , she assumed her daughter was out with Sissi somewhere . ' I have something to tell you , ' he said . ' You remember Frishillondor ? He came here not long ago , to eat with us as I had business with him and wanted to help it along . Well , it seems he was quite taken with you and he 's asked me for your hand in marriage . ' ' Yes , it 's quite a surprise , isn 't it ? And quite an honour too . Your mother is thrilled . He 's nearer in blood to the Elflord than even we are . His sister is the Elflord 's mother . Fancy that ! So of course I agreed immediately . ' ' Now , now , child , ' her father replied gently . ' He 's not so old . He 's younger than me . Anyway , I insist on this marriage . It 'll be a big boost to our family . All our businesses will benefit greatly with him as a sponsor . ' Fero . I know you don 't talk much about where you came from but please fill me in . You were born beyond thehree Seas , I believe . Fero : My father was a sandalmaker in the village where I was born and grew up . I was the eldest son . I have three sisters older than me . My parents were delighted to have Fero : Yes . I now realize how bad that is . How much talent is being wasted in that country I can hardly begin to contemplate . It wasn 't until I came to Grosmer that I really learned the value of women . Fero : It was hard . We were not actually in the Great Desert , but in the summer there was usually a drought . Frequently our animals and crops died and we went hungry . However , in the past , we had learned about irrigation and so it was not as bad as it had once been . Only in really bad drought years were we in very bad conditions . Fero : I haven 't seen them for many years . I hated sandal making but my father thought that , as the eldest son , I should follow him and take over the family business . I would then marry a girl of their choice and look after them in their old age . I hated that idea and was something of a rebel . I took every opportunity to go out into the wilds and it was on one of those forrays that I met an old druid . Fero : Oh , no . I am not a very religeous man , although I do revere Grillon , the god of nature and wild things . The old man taught me much , but even he could see that I was not cut out to be a druid , so he sent me to a ranger friend of his . Fero : My mother would have been quite happy with this . I had two brothers now and they were both happy to go into sandalmaking . My father was completely opposed and forbade me from going . Mother couldn ' yt go against him as he would have beaten her and it would still have made no difference to his thoughts . He beat me too , and tried to lock me in my room . Fero : Well , I escaped , of course . I gathered my things and went to tell mother that I was going . Father came in at that moment , just as I was going out of the door . Mother called ' Goodbye Fero . Don 't forget us . ' Father pushed her back indoors and I heard him say ' Go in , woman , we have no son called Fero . ' Fero : Firstly I wandered Beridon , then decided to go and look at the Great Desert . I almost died of thirst then . I was completely lost , but a tribe of nomads found me and saved me . I was sunburned , blisters all over me . They tended me and then took me travelling with them . I learned to wear the long enveloping robes they wear and to keep out of the direct sun as much as possible . They wandered eventually to the seaport of Candor on the Inner Sea . I had never seen a large expanse of water and it fascinated me . I got passage on a ship crossing to Grosmer . I worked my passage , of course , and eventually came to Bluehaven . Here I abandoned my new career as a seaman and wandered around the south of Grosmer for many years , doing jobs here and there . Sometimes I would pick fruit , grapes or peaches or oranges . At other times I was scouting for caravans . Then one day I was with a group of young men who decided to go to Eribore . I joined them , intending to cross the Western Mountains and see the Horselords on the plains . Fero : No . I have wondered and wondered why I took that path towards Hambara , but I can 't tell you why . Just a sudden impulse came upon me and I left my companions and turned east instead of west . If I had not done that , I would not have met Carthinal and the others . I wonder what the outcome of their quest would have been if they were not 8 questors as the prophecy had said ? Would they still have found the Sword or would the quest have failed ? Also , I would not have met Randa either . Fero : It was hard . We were not actually in the Great Desert , but in the summer there was usually a drought . Frequently our animals and crops died and we went hungry . However , in the past , we had learned about irrigation and so it was not as bad as it had once been . Only in really bad drought years were we in very bad conditions . Fero : I haven 't seen them for many years . I hated sandal making but my father thought that , as the eldest son , I should follow him and take over the family business . I would then marry a girl of their choice and look after them in their old age . I hated that idea and was something of a rebel . I took every opportunity to go out into the wilds and it was on one of those forrays that I met an old druid . Fero : Oh , no . I am not a very religeous man , although I do revere Grillon , the god of nature and wild things . The old man taught me much , but even he could see that I was not cut out to be a druid , so he sent me to a ranger friend of his . Fero : My mother would have been quite happy with this . I had two brothers now and they were both happy to go into sandalmaking . My father was completely opposed and forbade me from going . Mother couldn ' yt go against him as he would have beaten her and it would still have made no difference to his thoughts . He beat me too , and tried to lock me in my room . Fero : Well , I escaped , of course . I gathered my things and went to tell mother that I was going . Father came in at that moment , just as I was going out of the door . Mother called ' Goodbye Fero . Don 't forget us . ' Father pushed her back indoors and I heard him say ' Go in , woman , we have no son called Fero . ' Fero : Firstly I wandered Beridon , then decided to go and look at the Great Desert . I almost died of thirst then . I was completely lost , but a tribe of nomads found me and saved me . I was sunburned , blisters all over me . They tended me and then took me travelling with them . I learned to wear the long enveloping robes they wear and to keep out of the direct sun as much as possible . They wandered eventually to the seaport of Candor on the Inner Sea . I had never seen a large expanse of water and it fascinated me . I got passage on a ship crossing to Grosmer . I worked my passage , of course , and eventually came to Bluehaven . Here I abandoned my new career as a seaman and wandered around the south of Grosmer for many years , doing jobs here and there . Sometimes I would pick fruit , grapes or peaches or oranges . At other times I was scouting for caravans . Then one day I was with a group of young men who decided to go to Eribore . I joined them , intending to cross the Western Mountains and see the Horselords on the plains . Fero : No . I have wondered and wondered why I took that path towards Hambara , but I can 't tell you why . Just a sudden impulse came upon me and I left my companions and turned east instead of west . If I had not done that , I would not have met Carthinal and the others . I wonder what the outcome of their quest would have been if they were not 8 questors as the prophecy had said ? Would they still have found the Sword or would the quest have failed ? Also , I would not have met Randa either . Today I am going to start telling you the story of Asphodel , whom you can find in The Wolf Pack . Book 1 of The Wolves of Vimar Series . You will have noticed I use her name a lot . I like her and the way she stands up for what she believes in , regardless of authority . This gets her into trouble quite a lot . ' I 'm meeting Syssillina , mother , ' she replied . ' There 's a new place opened across the other side of Quantisarillishon . It 's called Allimissoro 's and it 's supposed to be good . We 're going there to suss it out . ' ' I wish you 'd refrain from using those slang words , dear . So common . Don 't forget we 're related to the Elf Lord . ' ' My cousin , Gerralishirondo , went last night . He says it 's really good , ' said Syssillina as they trotted across the capital city of Rindissarillishan , the land of the elves . ' He says there were some elves there playing music , and everyone was up and dancing . ' The elves built their city of Quantisarillishon deep in the forest . Many who visited it for the first time did not think they had arrived . The elves built so the buildings looked part of the forest . Some of the buildings were even built into the trees themselves with knot holes as windows . Most of the walkways stretched from tree to tree and so to anyone not looking up it would seem there was nothing but forest . The girls trotted along these walkways passing residences and workshops until they arrived at a building that stretched over the branches of several large oaks . Music and laughter came from out of the open doors . The girls stopped and looked at each other . Lanterns wreathed the room and gave a festive air to the surroundings . Seats surrounded small tables , most of which had young elves sitting and chattering . In the centre of the room was a dance floor with a number of young folk dancing to the music . The girls looked around . Where could they sit ? Then Syssillina noticed an empty table close to the band . the girls made their way across to it and sat down to listen to the music . Syssillina went and got them fruit juice from the bar and they sat sipping their drinks . ' Isn 't that LLinisharrovno over there ? ' whispered Asphodel , naming a young man who had been at school with them . ' Who 's that with him ? I 've not seen him before . ' The other young man took another spare seat and smiled a handsome smile that made Asphodel 's stomach turn over . He had blue eyes and blonde hair . He was tall for an elf , being five foot ten and had the build of one who looked after his body and exercised regularly . ' Pleased to meet you . ' he said . ' I 'm new to Quantisarillishon . LLin has been showing me round . It 's a beautiful city , but it pales into insignificance next to the beauty of it 's girls . ' Vass was a wonderful dancer and Asphodel felt she had wings on her feet , he was so easy to dance with . When his hand touched hers , the butterflies began to dance in her stomach again , and she thought she would melt into his blue eyes . Her black hair flew round her head as he twisted and turned her in the dance . He lifted her up and swung her round and she gasped in surprise , which made him laugh . ' I think I 'll probably give it another go , ' answered her friend . ' I enjoyed myself tonight . The music was excellent and the drinks . They 've done wonders with the decor too . ' She thought of the way he had looked into her grey eyes when they danced and her stomach turned again . She thought one minute he liked her best , then the next she thought of how he had looked at Syssi and decided he liked Syssi best . With her thoughts in turmoil , Asphodel fell asleep . Aspholessaria ' I 'm meeting Syssillina , mother , ' she replied . ' There 's a new place opened across the other side of Quantisarillishon . It 's called Allimissoro 's and it 's supposed to be good . We 're going there to suss it out . ' ' I wish you 'd refrain from using those slang words , dear . So common . Don 't forget we 're related to the Elf Lord . ' ' My cousin , Gerralishirondo , went last night . He says it 's really good , ' said Syssillina as they trotted across the capital city of Rindissarillishan , the land of the elves . ' He says there were some elves there playing music , and everyone was up and dancing . ' The elves built their city of Quantisarillishon deep in the forest . Many who visited it for the first time did not think they had arrived . The elves built so the buildings looked part of the forest . Some of the buildings were even built into the trees themselves with knot holes as windows . Most of the walkways stretched from tree to tree and so to anyone not looking up it would seem there was nothing but forest . The girls trotted along these walkways passing residences and workshops until they arrived at a building that stretched over the branches of several large oaks . Music and laughter came from out of the open doors . The girls stopped and looked at each other . Lanterns wreathed the room and gave a festive air to the surroundings . Seats surrounded small tables , most of which had young elves sitting and chattering . In the centre of the room was a dance floor with a number of young folk dancing to the music . The girls looked around . Where could they sit ? Then Syssillina noticed an empty table close to the band . the girls made their way across to it and sat down to listen to the music . Syssillina went and got them fruit juice from the bar and they sat sipping their drinks . ' Isn 't that LLinisharrovno over there ? ' whispered Asphodel , naming a young man who had been at school with them . ' Who 's that with him ? I 've not seen him before . ' The other young man took another spare seat and smiled a handsome smile that made Asphodel 's stomach turn over . He had blue eyes and blonde hair . He was tall for an elf , being five foot ten and had the build of one who looked after his body and exercised regularly . ' Pleased to meet you . ' he said . ' I 'm new to Quantisarillishon . LLin has been showing me round . It 's a beautiful city , but it pales into insignificance next to the beauty of it 's girls . ' Vass was a wonderful dancer and Asphodel felt she had wings on her feet , he was so easy to dance with . When his hand touched hers , the butterflies began to dance in her stomach again , and she thought she would melt into his blue eyes . Her black hair flew round her head as he twisted and turned her in the dance . He lifted her up and swung her round and she gasped in surprise , which made him laugh . ' I think I 'll probably give it another go , ' answered her friend . ' I enjoyed myself tonight . The music was excellent and the drinks . They 've done wonders with the decor too . ' She thought of the way he had looked into her grey eyes when they danced and her stomach turned again . She thought one minute he liked her best , then the next she thought of how he had looked at Syssi and decided he liked Syssi best . With her thoughts in turmoil , Asphodel fell asleep . Aspholessaria ' I 'm meeting Syssillina , mother , ' she replied . ' There 's a new place opened across the other side of Quantisarillishon . It 's called Allimissoro 's and it 's supposed to be good . We 're going there to suss it out . ' ' I wish you 'd refrain from using those slang words , dear . So common . Don 't forget we 're related to the Elf Lord . ' ' My cousin , Gerralishirondo , went last night . He says it 's really good , ' said Syssillina as they trotted across the capital city of Rindissarillishan , the land of the elves . ' He says there were some elves there playing music , and everyone was up and dancing . ' The elves built their city of Quantisarillishon deep in the forest . Many who visited it for the first time did not think they had arrived . The elves built so the buildings looked part of the forest . Some of the buildings were even built into the trees themselves with knot holes as windows . Most of the walkways stretched from tree to tree and so to anyone not looking up it would seem there was nothing but forest . The girls trotted along these walkways passing residences and workshops until they arrived at a building that stretched over the branches of several large oaks . Music and laughter came from out of the open doors . The girls stopped and looked at each other . Lanterns wreathed the room and gave a festive air to the surroundings . Seats surrounded small tables , most of which had young elves sitting and chattering . In the centre of the room was a dance floor with a number of young folk dancing to the music . The girls looked around . Where could they sit ? Then Syssillina noticed an empty table close to the band . the girls made their way across to it and sat down to listen to the music . Syssillina went and got them fruit juice from the bar and they sat sipping their drinks . ' Isn 't that LLinisharrovno over there ? ' whispered Asphodel , naming a young man who had been at school with them . ' Who 's that with him ? I 've not seen him before . ' The other young man took another spare seat and smiled a handsome smile that made Asphodel 's stomach turn over . He had blue eyes and blonde hair . He was tall for an elf , being five foot ten and had the build of one who looked after his body and exercised regularly . ' Pleased to meet you . ' he said . ' I 'm new to Quantisarillishon . LLin has been showing me round . It 's a beautiful city , but it pales into insignificance next to the beauty of it 's girls . ' Vass was a wonderful dancer and Asphodel felt she had wings on her feet , he was so easy to dance with . When his hand touched hers , the butterflies began to dance in her stomach again , and she thought she would melt into his blue eyes . Her black hair flew round her head as he twisted and turned her in the dance . He lifted her up and swung her round and she gasped in surprise , which made him laugh . ' I think I 'll probably give it another go , ' answered her friend . ' I enjoyed myself tonight . The music was excellent and the drinks . They 've done wonders with the decor too . ' She thought of the way he had looked into her grey eyes when they danced and her stomach turned again . She thought one minute he liked her best , then the next she thought of how he had looked at Syssi and decided he liked Syssi best . With her thoughts in turmoil , Asphodel fell asleep . Please leave a comment about this story . I appreciate all feedback , good or bad . I can 't learn and improve if I don 't know what I 'm doing wrong . I was born and educated in the north west of England . I trained as a teacher in Manchester and taught in Salford , Lancashire , Hampshire and Croydon . I write fantasy novels currently . I also make cards , knit , crochet , tat , do cross stitch and paint . 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Biscuit has been sick again . He got a fever Thursday evening , stayed home from school Friday and has been pretty out of it . Since he just got over ear infections in both ears , and it was coming on the weekend , Kimmy took him to the doctor Friday morning . They said it was viral , and we just had to wait it out . He spent some time outside with me Saturday , but as soon as he went back in the house , Kimmy said he crashed on the couch and slept for a couple of hours . We went in the gate , and we had to sign a waiver to get down onto the field . While we were waiting in line , there was a little boy in front of us with two older boys . Biscuit struck up a conversation with the boy , and they decided they were going to play catch when they got to the field . But when we got down there , those three brothers went with their parents to center field , and Biscuit and I walked over to right field . We played catch for about 20 minutes . The game started at 4 p . m . , and you could only play until 3 : 30 , so we wrapped it up . The boy did a good job catching and throwing . We walked up and grabbed a couple of seats behind home plate . We watched the game for about five innings . Biscuit talked non - stop about playing catch on the field and how he wanted to meet a real major - leaguer , among other topics . We got in line for Biscuit to run the bases . When we got down on the field , one of Biscuit 's friends and his parents were waiting for us . Biscuit didn 't realize that the other boy was feeling nervous about running the bases , so he took off , thinking the boy was right behind him . We were leaving the ballpark before he realized that he should 've waited for his friend . " It 's okay , boy , " I told him . " You didn 't hear me , and you didn 't know any better . " " Yeah , Dad , " Biscuit said . " I didn 't know any better . " The players made a fuss over him , and he got to meet his major - leaguer because I introduced him to Luis Quinones , who played for the Cincinnati Reds team who won the World Series in 1990 . He 's our team 's hitting coach now . He and Luis talked for a minute or two . Biscuit told him that he played for the White Sox last year and Red Sox this year . Biscuit was quiet on the way home . I think he was worn out after not feeling good . He caught a second wind when we got home and told Kimmy about our trip . It 's funny . Biscuit still sees it as his ballpark . He thinks he can just come and go as he pleases . He doesn 't understand that I go to the games for work . Either way , I hope these will be cool stories for him when he 's older . The coach handed out the trophies and said something funny about each kid . When he got to Biscuit , he said , " To the guy who had the best - looking socks on the Red Sox team . " And Biscuit grinned . I 'll never get to buy hair ribbons and earrings and cute little bracelets , so I decided that Biscuit would have every baseball outfit accessory available . So I got him the knee - length baseball pants , red knee - high socks and a red belt . He was as accessorized as I could make him . The coach said some really nice things , then they started asking all the kids how old they are . I wondered why until I heard one of the other moms ask . " We might be able to get a bunch of these guys on the same team again next season , " the assistant coach said . I laughed . " I was thinking the same thing , " I said . " As a matter of fact , I said that very thing to Jeff last night ! " We played a rain makeup game last night , and there 's only one game to go . I have mixed feelings about it . I really enjoy seeing the boys play , and they 've gotten so much better than when they first started playing . But at the same time , I 'm ready not to have to worry about getting to the games and figuring out which field we 're playing on and making sure Biscuit 's uniform is clean . In this league , the coaches pitch to their players . They 're supposed to throw four pitches , and if the kid doesn 't hit it , they get to use a tee . But I 've seen the coaches throw several more than four pitches , just to give the kids extra chances . And I 've never heard anyone from another team complain about that . The main goal of this league is teaching and having fun . When they 're playing the field , they put players in all the regular infield positions ( first , second , third , shortstop ) . Then they add in a few extras . A player between first and second . Two outfielders ( one on each side ) that play just after the grass starts . Then they add one player on each side of the pitcher ( aka the other team 's coach ) . During one inning , the coach positioned Biscuit on the third - base side of the pitcher . Biscuit found the dirt around the pitcher 's mound quite interesting . So interesting , in fact , that when the kid from the other team hit the ball , Biscuit never saw it happen . He heard the other kids scrambling and started looking around in a panic . What Biscuit didn 't know was that the ball was hit near first base . So the first baseman grabbed the ball and ran it to the base . What Biscuit did know was that there was a ball on the ground at the pitcher 's feet ( to speed things along , the pitchers usually have at least three balls at a time ) . The main thing , of course , was that if you aren 't paying attention , you could get hit with a ball . One of our players stepped in front of a ground ball that bounced up and hit him pretty hard in the chest . You could tell right away that it hurt him - not badly , but enough that they stopped the game for a minute . So I called Jeff over to the fence and told him to fuss at Biscuit . I don 't know if he fussed at him or not , but as we walked back to the car after the game , Biscuit didn 't seem surprised when I called him on it . One of the assistant coaches said to the team at the last game , " Guys , as soon as you hit the ball , run ! Don 't stand there in amazement that you hit it . Run ! " Biscuit did a good job running the bases . The very first game , he took his sweet time getting from one base to the other . I told him after that game that I wanted him to haul it ! And since then , he has for the most part . " No . 2 is up . No . 3 , you 're on deck . No . 4 get your helmet , " they 'll all say to each other . It 's funny to hear 6 - year - old giving instructions to each other . When I went to pick up Biscuit from afterschool care Thursday , I saw that they were setting up the chairs for the play . The front row was reserved , but the second row was wide open . So I dropped a couple of jackets into the two seats closest to the middle aisle and went on about my business . I felt a tiny bit bad because this was an hour and 45 minutes before the play even started . But hey , I figured it was first - come , first served . I got Biscuit dressed and took him to his classroom . The teacher had a cartoon show playing for them while they were waiting for all the kids to arrive . So I headed out to meet Jeff at our seats . We had a still camera and a video camera . I wanted to record Biscuit 's part of the show , but I also wanted to watch it . So I brought our tripod , thinking I could just put the video camera on it , start it and leave it alone . But of course it couldn 't be that easy . The seat on the front row in front of us was still empty as the lights went down . But very shortly , we realized that the seat was for the music director . So here 's what Jeff and I saw the entire show . I was sitting in the aisle seat , so I put the video camera on the tripod , then just folded the legs shut like a monopod . Then I held it steady beside my leg in the aisle . And luckily for us , Biscuit 's group sang on the right side of the stage , in the only spot on the stage that wasn 't blocked for me . Jeff , being taller , found opportunities to shoot still photos over and around the director . I was very happy with the pictures he got . ( I like to think my anniversary present had something to do with that . Jeff bought me a cool new lens for my camera ! ) As tired as we were of hearing the songs . . . ALL the songs because Biscuit knew his songs PLUS all the songs the other classes were singing . . . once they put it together with the hand motions and dancing and costumes , it really was well done and very , very cute . You could tell that they were all quite proud of themselves , too . Here are some pictures of Biscuit and his fellow playmates and below that , a video of his song ( And let me mention that there were three boys on the right side of the stage and three girls on the left side of the stage . One of the three girls took it upon herself to put her mouth on the microphone and do some of that awful yell - singing . And she didn 't even stay with the music . You can hear her , especially about halfway through the song ) . The story was about a bunny who didn 't have any friends . She didn 't know how to make friends . So a wise owl taught her how to . She made friends with chickens , cows , rats , squirrels , farmers and more . Then my parents came up for Mother 's Day weekend . My Mama knows how to get things done . My Granny always said people like her knew how to " make do . " The fingers are stuffed , and the shoe is inside . Next step is to cut a hole in the top for his foot to slip inside . This became a problem because as I tried to slip his foot inside , the glove started to tear . And tear and tear and tear . I was sitting on the floor in the teacher 's restroom , trying to get his foot in that shoe without completely ruining his chicken feet ! Luckily , one of the teachers had some clear packing tape that put it back together . My parents came up this weekend , and we had a really nice visit . Friday night , we took them to a cruise - in . Daddy enjoyed looking at the cars , and Mama enjoyed a chair across from the music store where they had live music and she could people - watch . We tried to call early in the day for reservations , but they said they don 't take reservations except for large groups . So we got there about 6 : 30 and found out that some others had already been there an hour , and they were still waiting . An hour ? I don 't deal well when I make a plan and it doesn 't work out . I always assume that everyone is going to be frustrated or have a bad time or be disappointed . But the funny thing is that others usually take it a lot better than I do . After about 45 minutes , they called our name and apologized profusely for us having to wait . It was pretty warm outside on the porch , and we were getting hungry and grumpy . ( Okay , I was getting hungry and grumpy , and I 'm just assuming the others were , too ! ) They put us in a small room off the main dining room that used to be a porch . And again , they apologized for putting us out there . Apparently , it was quite warm , crowded and noisy in the dining room , so I was perfectly fine with our closed - in porch seating . We had our drinks at that point , but the food hadn 't arrived . I didn 't care . I have this cool app on my phone that uses your GPS location to find things you need . It has categories like grocery stores , hospitals , banks , restaurants , hotels , pharmacies , etc . So I chose pharmacies and found one 3 . 63 miles away . We took a beautiful drive as the sun was setting . The area is in the foothills of the mountains , so it was very scenic . We crested one hill and saw the sun starting to go down behind the top of a small mountain . I saw it and knew I should appreciate the beauty of it , but I was worried about my baby . He was in pain . We got to the store , and I grabbed some ibuprofen and a syringe . I like using the syringes because I can get closer to the exact amount of medicine I should give him . We got in line to pay , and it was taking forever . Biscuit was leaning on me , then on the counter , and I was getting very impatient . I tore open the syringe and medicine box . I ripped the plastic off the top of the bottle and drew up the appropriate amount . " Here , " I said to Biscuit and shot that medicine right into his mouth . The cashier looked at the open packages and then at me , and I was fully prepared to defend my actions , but there was no need . She looked down at Biscuit and said , " Oh , poor baby . He is feelin ' bad ! " It was 8 : 40 , and the restaurant closed at 9 . I was fully prepared to find my family in the music barn , and I 'd just get something to eat when we got back home . But Mama and Jeff were still sitting at the table . Since Daddy is the musical one , they sent him down to the barn to listen . I sat down and looked over the table . There was fried chicken , country ham and BBQ spare ribs . There were green beans , potatoes , corn , pinto beans and stewed apples with cinnamon . And to top it off , there was hoe cake and cornbread . " Honey , they told me about what 's going on , and I want you to take your time and sit there and eat everything you want , " she said . " Stay as long as you want . And let me know if you need anything . " While I ate , Mama held poor Biscuit . He couldn 't keep his eyes open any longer and fell asleep on Mama . You don 't realize how big he 's gotten until you try to hold him ! I ate and ate and ate and finally called it quits . I was putting my silverware on my plate when Daddy walked in and said the music was over . Then we got in the car and drove the half hour back home . This place was on the backside of nowhere . You don 't get there by accident , that 's for sure . Biscuit seemed fine Sunday morning , but by early afternoon , he said his ear was hurting again . We gave him some more drugs , and he asked if he could take a nap . Then Jeff and I had that dreaded conversation . " Should we take him somewhere to get checked out ? " He hasn 't had a fever at any point , which is weird . He 's never had an ear infection without a fever . I just assumed that maybe he got water in his ear or something . But when he woke up this morning saying it was still hurting , that was it . I called to make a doctor 's appointment . I left work early and took him to the office . Luckily , he was able to see his doctor . Sometimes on short notice , you have to see whoever is available . But Biscuit really likes his doctor . He talks to him about superheroes and explains what he 's doing at every step . And he lets Biscuit ask questions . Warning : This paragraph contains ickiness ! The doctor said there 's a bubble of fluid in Biscuit 's right ear . It even has a little bit of blood in it . At some point , the bubble will pop on its own , and Biscuit will have immediate relief . Until then , we have to give him an antibiotic and pain reliever . Then he looked in the left ear and said , " Whoa ! I 'm surprised he 's not feeling pain on this side , too . He 's got an infection on this side , too . " Biscuit had almost non - stop ear infections the first year of his life , but since then , he 's only had one or two . The doctor even commented on it . Other than colds and minor stuff , he 's just not a sickly kid . Which brings me to the next icky topic . . . Other than a few diaper incidents when he was really little , Biscuit has never had diarrhea . And the doctor said this antibiotic could make that happen . So I had to have a conversation with Biscuit this evening about how he needs to keep that in mind . " If you feel like you have to go , DO NOT WAIT ! " I told him . " You won 't be able to hold it in . " It was an odd and gross conversation , and the look on his face was pretty priceless . But I didn 't want him to be surprised by it , especially if he decides to go back to school tomorrow ! When I went to pick up Biscuit after school , I had to park in a different area of the parking lot because they were already setting up for the event . To get from my car to the room where Biscuit was , I had to walk right through the event area . I signed him out , and as we walked out of the building to get back to the car , the festival had started . Ugh ! I thought it started at 6 p . m . Turns out , it started at 5 . I was stuck ! A local restaurant had donated all the food , so the school was getting to keep any money they made off of it . They had $ 1 hot dogs , $ 2 hamburgers , $ 3 chicken sandwiches and $ 1 chips , candy and drinks . We had some food stuff and headed back out to play . Well , ONE of us got to play . The other one got to hold the game prizes , leftover bottled water and jacket . I saw the facepainters and assumed we 'd walk right past . It was three high school kids with their little makeup kits and their smartphones ( they were using their phones to look up characters and animals as they painted ) . Plus , do you remember when Biscuit thought facepaint was permanent ? " Yes , I do , " Biscuit said . " I very well do . " ( Not sure where the " very well " part came from , but he 's been using it a lot lately . ) As they were finishing up , it started to sprinkle rain . Jeff had finally arrived after work , and he had an umbrella in tow . He popped it up to protect the painter , Biscuit and me until the work was done . As soon as they were finished , we ran to shelter at the edge of the school . The DJ was under cover , so he kept playing fun music , including several songs about rain . They had moved all the games inside , but they had obviously left the bounce houses where they were . Despite the fact that they were wet , the kids were still enjoying them . And most of the kids were running around barefooted . It was kinda cool after the rain , but I gave in , of course , and Biscuit joined the brave , wet kids . Biscuit and his friend get along really well . He and his dad met us at a park back in the fall , and Jeff and I spent a good bit of time talking to the dad , getting to know him . Well , on this evening , we got to spend time getting to know the mom . She did share some bad news , though . The mom and dad work at the same company . They 're from India and started working with the company when they still lived there . Then they got transferred to America . They 've lived in , I think , four other states before coming here . So with all that moving around , they just decided to rent a house instead of buying . They had bought houses in the past two states and just didn 't want to deal with the hassle until they were sure they would be here for a while . Biscuit creates the most fantastical tales when he 's playing . I try to keep up , but I swear , sometimes I can be listening only to him and completely lose track ! It 's especially complicated when he 's playing superheroes . We have two more Saturday games scheduled and two weekday make - up games . One of those is on the same night as Biscuit 's school play , so he 'll have to miss it . Even so , I think he will have had enough baseball for a while . It was fun to watch the kids Saturday . I could definitely see what they 've learned . It 's like they know what they 're supposed to do , but their little bodies just aren 't quite up to the task yet . Like a kid from the other team hit the ball just past the pitcher 's mound and started to run to first base . One of our players squatted down to stop the ball , and the ball hit his glove and bounced over it and rolled behind him . He turned around and grabbed the ball , stood up and threw it in the general vicinity of first base . The first baseman made an attempt at catching the ball . It went over his glove and he had to run it down . But as soon as he picked up the ball , he ran back and touched first base with his foot . That might sound like a big ol ' mess , but really , if you picture it , they all did exactly what they were supposed to do . They 're really starting to put it all together . And it was really fun to watch . Biscuit still doesn 't catch well , so he gets nervous when the ball comes his way in the field , but he 's doing really well with his hitting . And if he fields a ground ball , he can get it in the general area of where he wants to throw it . " I can hit the ball like crazy , " Biscuit said . " One time , when Dad and I were practicing in the backyard , I even hit it so far that it I went into the neighbors yard ! Can you believe that ? I really think that one day , I 'll be as good as Dad . " I 'm a 40 - something first - time mom . Age and education did nothing to prepare me for motherhood . It 's the most wonderful and scariest thing that has ever happened to me . |
I remember my dad 's drunk friend showing up every Christmas as Santa Claus , complete with a giant bag full of stuff . He would always pose for photos and pull out a couple gifts before staggering outside . I believed in Santa far longer than I should have . I remember being infuriated with my stepdad and storming off to my room . I remember shouting " Shut Up " at the door , accidentally teaching my baby brother those same words . I remember frantically trying to get him to forget them . I remember my dad taking me on a shopping spree at Toys R Us . I remember how he let me break the spending cap . I remember how he smelled of sweat when he came home from work and hugged me tight , and how much I loved it . I remember the way my grandmother ( adopted ) paused while getting milk out of the fridge when I told her my mom said my dad wasn 't my dad . I remember her confirming it . I remember every second of the bike ride to the mall to the only friends I had . I remember the first drink I ever had . I was twelve years old , staying at my stepdad 's place to visit my little brother and little sister . I snuck up to the kitchen , to the OFF LIMITS liquids . I picked the bottle I liked most , a beautiful blue bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin . I remember filling a paper cup with it and trying to drink it like water and feeling like I was dying as it went down my throat . I remember gagging and coughing into the sink and drinking water straight from the faucet . I remember not being able to drink gin again for a decade . I remember writing my biological father a letter when I was 16 . I remember the letter he wrote back , though I lost it , and I should care , but I don 't , but I really do ? I remember my mother coming up to my date and me at my brother 's birthday party . " He wants to meet you , but only after a paternity test . But he doesn 't want to pay for the test . I don 't know what to tell you , Jered , but if he 's not your father , I don 't know who the fuck is . " I remember my date taking my hand at that , and I remember falling in love for the first time . I remember . I remember being bullied for liking comic books , and I remember how bitter I was when comic book movies became regular box office record breakers because now it was popular to like nerdy things . I remember 7th grade and breaking the arm of a kid who picked on me . I felt nothing . I remember frantically running down the stairs as my ( adopted , though I didn 't know it at the time and though it has never changed much in the grand scheme of things , I 'm doubly irritated that he leaves angry drunk voicemails for me now ) dad tried to escape my abusive stepmother . I remember how I didn 't see either of them for years , and how they put each other in prison , and how they moved to Belize , and how she died and I felt nothing because she was horrible to my grandparents , and because she once tried to gouge my dad 's eye out with a key . I remember how she broke his nose with a lamp while he slept . But she was his soulmate . I get it even while it makes no sense . I remember moving to Los Angeles with no place to live , no job , no friends but the two men I left with , and hardly any money . I remember thinking I had the world in the palm of my hand . I remember my grandmother . I remember how she always blamed an addiction or a circumstance and never a person . I remember when you knew she was frustrated to the point of tears , because she swore , and nothing hurt me more than hearing her swear . I remember her being the embodiment of Christianity , spoiling Christianity for me because I don 't know that I 've ever met anyone else who had an unshakeable , pure , unconditionally loving nature the way that she did . I remember saying at the church , at her memorial service , that she was the Christian Jesus wanted people to be and that no one else present could come close . I remember my grandfather and how he hated driving , and how he was a low - key road - rager . I remember how every time I was about to step out of the front door , he told me to be one of the good guys , and I 've tried . I remember that my grandmother and I had it out a lot , but it was when my grandfather got mad at me and expressed his disappointment that I felt I had failed the most . I remember being broke in Los Angeles . A Canadian lighting tech groupie bought me two - for - one tacos from Jack in the Box so I could eat . I remember taking a British woman to the beach , and vomiting because I was hungover , and burying that vomit in the dirt because I was a 21 year old moron . I don 't think she saw me . She might read this , though . I remember being broke in Los Angeles and how $ 25 was two weeks worth of food . Two - for - one cans of pork and beans . I remember my surrogate Colombian family who rented me a room occasionally knocking on the door for homemade food , because they were some of the best people I have ever met . I remember falling in love in Los Angeles . I remember the first time she told me she loved me , when I was standing between her legs while she sat on a pool table in a bar , just before I left to pick up my friend and bring him out with us . I remember how embarrassed she was at letting it slip , and how she refused to take it back . I remember the weight of her head on my chest as she told me she saw us together for a long time . I remember our terrible break - up . I remember how she told me I wasn 't the guy she thought I was . I remember having a fling with a woman in Denver that I thought could be it . I remember finding out it wasn 't . I remember writing my fourth book , one I had never planned on writing , one that I didn 't enjoy , and I remember publishing it , and I remember people seeming to love it while I hated it . I remember not feeling like I got closure at all . I remember the first time someone asked me for an autograph . I remember the first time someone asked me for writing advice . I remember the first time someone asked me how to get through the day . I remember the first time she told me she loved me . And the first time she did . And then when she did . And her . Her , also . I remember every plane ride . To different states , to different countries . I remember every bed , air mattress , futon , couch , and floor I 've slept on . I remember basically being homeless for two years . I can 't quite shake that one . I called a woman a bitch who didn 't deserve it . I 've done a lot of terrible things . I remember looking at myself in the mirror . Tired . Drunk . On drugs . Filled with hope . I remember writing poetry for people . I remember writing poetry for myself . I remember making love . I remember fucking . I remember going to Red Lodge , Montana and going through thousands of photos in my deceased grandparents ' house and realizing with fullness that they adopted , essentially , a fourth child to raise to adulthood after having their own separate life raising three kids . I remember feeling like I was an outsider , then , undeserving of a family who never planned on but always accepted me . I 've remembered damn near everything . Damn near every awful , shameful , accomplished , hopeful , well - intentioned , mistaken , loving , intimate , selfish , charitable , cruel thing that I 've done . I 've remembered . I remember . " You know , I 'm in love with love . I 'm in love with falling in love , with that rush that comes from gazing into someone 's eyes , that soft silence before a passionate kiss . I 'm in love with the ache of missing someone . I 'm in love with inside jokes and surprises and long days spent in bed doing nothing but talking and being wrapped around and through each other . I 'm in love with the idea of writing something that 's going to make a woman grin or blush or both or look up to the sky and just repeat the words in her mind . Now , I 'm not a big fan of Valentine 's Day . I think it 's commercialized nonsense . I think it 's created a ridiculous expectation that gifts should be given or that this is THE DAY to really express your love when I 've always been of the belief that you should regularly be showing that affection and surprising your partner with little things . I could also very much be biased because I 'm not good at relationships and I 've found myself single on February 14th more often than not . I was fifteen years old . I had lost my virginity a couple weeks previously and because I was still close with my mom and I told her everything , I had let that bomb drop somewhere along the line . I assured her I was being safe . Immediately afterward , my girlfriend at the time had sex with someone else and broke up with me , which isn 't really the order I would have preferred those things to happen in . So when Valentine 's Day rolled by , I was not only newly single , I was hurt . Betrayed . I spent that day in high school , sophomore year , back when I was still being bullied by the more popular kids . I was surrounded by shit - talkers and happy romances , and I felt absolutely miserable . All I wanted to do was go home and go to my room , hop onto my computer and talk to people that actually thought I was cool . And I know that sounds weird and lonely , and it sort of was , but I 've met most of those online friends since then . Those relationships were as real as hanging out with the kid down the street . It was one of the few respites I had from a lot of sadness and anger I felt during that time . I get through the day . I get home . I sit in my chair . I fire my desktop up , and my mom calls me to wish me a Happy Valentine 's Day . We talked a little bit . I don 't think I told her that my girlfriend and I had broken up . In fact , I 'm almost positive , because she said to me , " Hey , so now that you … you know , are with a woman and growing up into a man , I think you 're old enough for me to tell you something . " I had considered some possibilities of what she might say . Maybe there would be the awkward sex talk we sort of skated over before . Maybe she was seeing someone new . I don 't know . Whatever I was expecting , it wasn 't that . It took me a few long seconds to recover . It was a fling . My dad ( Rick ) was away . He found out , of course , and forgave her , and he put his name on my birth certificate and raised me as his own son . My parents divorced before I turned two . I 'm ninety percent sure I wasn 't any of the reasons , because both of them fought for custody and settled with joint and treated me as best they could . And when drugs and alcohol came into the mix and they slept throughout the day or they went away to jail or rehab or another state , I never , never thought it was because they didn 't love me . I went to live with Rick 's parents , my grandparents , when I was five . They took me in after raising three children of their own and spent the next two decades raising a fourth kid out of love instead of biological obligation . I know that shouldn 't fuck with me , but it still does . Anyway , I was silent . My mom was openly sobbing , convinced that I hated her . That shook me back to the present and I assured her that I didn 't , that I loved her , I just needed to get off the phone for a while . I wished her a Happy Valentine 's Day and hung up . I sat in that chair for a while , staring at my computer screen . Ten minutes . Fifteen . I pushed myself out of it and stepped down the stairs , stomach in knots . I walked into the kitchen ; my grandmother had her head in the refrigerator but heard me come in . She froze . I 'll never forget that . It was only for a second and a half , but she went stone still , and then rose up out of the fridge with a gallon of milk as if nothing was different , as if this was a perfectly normal conversation to have , as if my entire fucking life wasn 't in upheaval . In retrospect , I can 't begin to imagine the thoughts that were racing through her mind . To keep this secret for fifteen years , to have it suddenly and unexpectedly exposed , to be put into the so fucking unfortunate position to have to try to explain why I was only now finding this out . My grandmother was a strong , brave woman . " That 's true , " she said . Nobody had told me because my dad had asked them not to . He wanted to tell me when he felt I was ready ; that would come over two years later , after more prison , after halfway houses , after struggles with sobriety . He sat me down on the couch in the middle of the night , lights off , TV muted , and told me had something to tell me ; I told him I already knew and it changed nothing , that I loved him ; I hugged him and turned the television back on and pretended not to see him weeping . I was a bit of a mall rat at the time . It helped that I worked there , at a comic book and collectibles store , with my best friends at the time . They were all older . I was 15 , but I partied a lot , hard , with these guys . When I was 16 , I moved out into an apartment with them for the better part of a year . We were thick as thieves , as close as brothers . I went to my first party with them , had my first taste of liquor since I once unwisely tried to gulp Bombay Sapphire from a Dixie cup . They knew the night I lost my virginity . If I could talk to anyone , it would be them . I locked my bike up to the rack and strode into the mall doing my best not to have a panic attack . The store was devoid of customers and my friends were busy putting merchandise and cards away . I flung my arms to either side . I explained . They were as baffled as I was that my mother would think to bring that up on Valentine 's Day . In her defense , she didn 't actually want to tell me until later . My friends were very supportive . We started joking about it , we definitely drank about it , and it just became a thing . When we pooled our money and resources later to start throwing raves around the city , we each donned a moniker . I owned it . I became The Bastard . Later that year , in June , at my brother 's birthday party because my mom has fucking phenomenal timing , and in front of the first woman I truly loved , she told me that John " wanted " to meet me , but wouldn 't do so until a DNA test was taken that he wouldn 't pay for . Which , look , I get it . But if you thought there was a fucking chance that you had a 16 year old kid whose life you 've already missed out on , you couldn 't shell out a couple hundred bucks for that ? The icing on the cake was when my mom said , " And if he 's not your father , Jered , I don 't know who the fuck is . " I 've never spoken to John over the phone . My junior year of high school I sent a letter about myself with a picture of me from junior prom . He sent a letter back with no picture . He owned a bike shop in Sacramento . He liked to golf . He didn 't want to talk any further until he spoke to my mom . We never corresponded again and I didn 't keep his letter . I tried meeting him in 2009 at the age of 21 by tracking down his address . He had moved . I called every bicycle shop in the city but couldn 't find him . I wouldn 't know what I would have said or done had I been able to . And that 's pretty much it . There have been some residual effects of finding out I was adopted . In my teenage years , I 'd lash out sometimes . " Why do you even care what I do ? " I 'd yell at grandparents that absolutely didn 't deserve it . " We 're not even related ! " On my grandmother 's death bed , we spoke for 30 seconds over the phone , maybe . She spent most of it making sure I was going to be alright , and I spent the rest lying about how well off I was and that I 'd be okay . She told me I was as much family to her as any of her blood kin and that she loved me just as much . As recently as last summer , visiting my grandparent 's home and digging through old photos of the early years of their marriage and the childhoods of my dad , aunt and uncle , of these full lives decades before I was an even an idea of an accident , I felt very much like an outsider . An intruder on this family . The feeling was so severe that I hit a terrible manic spiral and lost myself a few friends through this desperate desire to be loved and accepted . Not my best look . I have abandonment issues . I have acceptance issues . I have crises of identity and I struggle with the concept of legacy . I don 't feel right living the life I have as a continuation of the Mayer family in the same way I wouldn 't count their ancestors as my own . I wasn 't ever really raised by my mother , so that won 't work either . And fuck John Buchanan . So I 'm left trying to build my own legacy using the shape of my mind and beliefs that my grandparents helped mold , and so I often overwhelm myself with stress and panic when I get set back or I fail . " Is this what people will see when they look back on my life . What am I leaving behind ? What have I truly accomplished ? Who will weep when I have passed ? " I tell you , it goes 0 - 100 real fucking fast when something goes wrong . I 'm working on that . I guess more than anything , Valentine 's Day just makes me think of John . Why , when he no doubt never thinks of me , I don 't know . But it 's usually today that I want more than anything to live up to the love of my parents who tried to stick around and to my grandparents who didn 't need to but did . Some day maybe I 'll find this guy and tell him I was able to make it , to be somebody , and that he could claim nothing of that except the pathetic brag that he basically donated me to my mom and her husband . The hostel was in my rear view and I was keeping my head down . To my bosses ' credit , when I told them a couple of angry Tongans might come around looking for me and to tell them I transferred to Alaska , they agreed without asking any questions . My friends were gone , I was homeless , I was broke , I was sort of on the run , and I was still excited to live and work and love in Los Angeles . Everything I owned was in two suitcases and a box or two . I moved those , with the help of my girlfriend , to my friend Jaime 's place , to crash on his couch . Jaime was good people , nine or ten years older than me , and we had frequent beer pong parties at his place . That was a tense couple weeks because he lived in Inglewood and to get to work , I had to pass the hostel I abandoned on an almost daily basis . Anyway , my assistant manager Jenny told me that her family had an empty room they were wanting to rent . I jumped on the opportunity . The house was nice , very homey , and full of people and animals . There was a beautiful , friendly old dog , and something like four or five cats . Jenny 's parents lived there , as did her aunt , grandmother , and brother . We shared the washer and dryer . There was a mini - fridge and television in my room , as well as a desk from which I wrote . Her brother , a couple years older than I and a really cool guy , kept mostly to his room adjacent to mine ; we shared the bathroom . My room had two twin beds in it that I pushed together . The frames pressed against each other , leaving a small gap between the beds that I filled with blankets . Now it was a queen . Fuck yeah . There were two doors in my room . One opened into the house . I almost never used it save to use the restroom , the washer / dryer , or to talk to Hector . He and I hit it off pretty quickly and would talk about sports or grabbing a drink or ( later ) girls . The other door opened up to outside . The house had a gated concrete patio of sorts . I would use that entrance to come in late and to leave for work in the morning without disturbing anyone . My entire time in Los Angeles the first time around , lasted a total of eight months . The first five were in the Adventurer . Close to three were spent in this house . I loved that family very much , but I liked to keep to myself , you know ? I partied a lot and I was so stressed out all the time . I was broke and my girlfriend and I would argue sometimes and love each other other times and I just had so much going on , I didn 't want to bother the family much . But there would be days that I 'd hear a knock on the door and Jenny 's mom or her aunt would be there with a plate of homemade Columbian food for me and it was so good . See , when I say I was broke , I meant it . I may have been even more broke than when I was at the hostel . Pat the Pirate would hook me up with some food sometimes . I had that free buffet full of terrible food . I could charge shit to the room . Living at Jenny 's family 's house , I stretched every dollar out as far as I could . One day I was coming home from work and it was pouring rain . I tried to book it back to the house , but it was pouring rain and I ducked into a business about half way there just to warm up some . That business was a Dollar Store . Alaska doesn 't have those . Did you know Dollar Stores sell food ? Hell yes , they do . I 'd use 20 - 30 bucks to buy two weeks worth of food . My routine was a cup of noodles at work for lunch and a can of ravioli or something at work for dinner . You can get cans of pork and beans two for a dollar . It 's fucking terrible but that 's two meals for a dollar . That 's the situation I was in . And I 'm trying to take my girl on dates and trying to do things with my coworkers . I spent more on bus rides to work than I fucking did on food a month . Nothing too terribly interesting happened during those three months . I worked , I partied with my work friends , I tried to make ends meet . My girlfriend introduced me to a fucking phenomenal comic book shop because she knew how big a nerd I was / am . At work , a competition was implemented . I mentioned in one of the previous entries that I was really good at selling Black Tie Protection at work . To motivate everyone else , whenever someone sold a BTP , they would print out the receipt and put it in a box for a weekly drawing . At the end of the week , whoever had the most receipts would win a $ 25 gift card . Whoever 's receipt was drawn would win a $ 50 gift card or an iPod Touch . The first weekend I won both gift cards . Every weekend I won the $ 25 for having the most . And still , I began to grow increasingly stressed and as I stressed , my emotions began to spiral out of control . I became sullen and insecure . I still had my girlfriend 's minor indiscretion in the back of my head and I began to feel I wasn 't good enough for her and because of that , because of the fights , it was only a matter of time before I lost her . Let me be absolutely clear : outside of that one night and one other instance , she was an incredible woman who supported me and loved me as much as I let her , and I didn 't as much as I should have . She took me to Temple with her and her family , and I genuinely enjoyed it . Everyone there was welcoming and kind . There were food buffets afterwards , sometimes . Bagels with lox and spreads , salads . And liquor . And then we 'd go to Pinkberry . And what 's funny is one of my favorite memories and one of my worst happened probably within a week of each other . The worst came when we were … . drinking or arguing or both . I just remember her saying once that she didn 't believe I would ever be somebody if I didn 't go to college . That fucked me up . Badly . I wrote about it in The Six Year Shadow . Considering where my head was at and how much I was in love with her and how desperate I was for validation and a clean break and a bright spot in my life , that may have been the most devastating , defining thing anyone 's ever said to me . And despite that , I also remember laying in bed one late afternoon / early evening , her tucked under my arm , her head on my shoulder , her hand on my chest . " I can see us being together for a long , long time . " And yeah … when I wasn 't being manic , I saw that , too . I was head over heels for her and I was not a great boyfriend at all . She and I recently rediscovered our friendship , and I 'm so grateful . I don 't have any delusions about our future . I may never even see her again , but I really wish I hadn 't put her through so much shit . She deserved a better guy than me . I wrote a thing for us recently : " And when they argued , they were brutal and scathing and cut to the core . They wept for each other , for the mislaid lines and frayed edges . They were perfect and terrible . " I reached a point in late April where I had completely reached my limit . I decided the best decision was to transfer back up to Alaska for the summer , live back at home , and get myself in a better financial state before moving back to Los Angeles . By then I was in a full - blown bipolar episode . I hated myself and I was so anxious and i overthought everything . I broke up with my girlfriend over text . I told her something like I was going through a bunch of shit , I was teaching severely , I was being emotional , it wasn 't fair to her , she deserved better . I drove her away because I felt so poorly about myself . She was pissed . She was so mad that I would break up with her over something as dumb as my being broke . We argued a bunch but she was such a great girlfriend . Jesus , she loved me while I lived in a hostel . I didn 't have a car . I could barely afford to eat . And I broke up with her over my own insecurities . She had every right to be pissed . I expected us to get back together when I got my shit together . Haha , well . My birthday was right around the corner . I was going to celebrate in Anchorage , but before I left , I wanted to make the most of things . She was tired of my wishy - washy bullshit , and I can 't blame her . Not only was this probably the third time I tried to break up and the first time over reasons that had literally nothing to do with her and 100 % about my inability to cope with my living situation , but I was also planning on leaving for four months to a state across the continent . We saw Iron Man 2 together . We went to a party together . She was super distant with me , even though I was leaving the next morning . I was hurt . She was hurt , too , and she was done with my shit , and she shut me down effectively . And that 's fair ! God , it hurt so bad . Tommy and I also traveled to Yellowstone National Park , a trip that started at 8 : 30 in the morning ( I had four hours of sleep by the time I woke up and I wasn 't in a great mood ) and ended 13 hours later . It had been years since I had been . I was a kid , traveling with my uncle and his wife , and I remember very little about it beyond him clipping a deer with his car on accident . The deer ended up being fine . So did the car . I recall geysers and hot springs … or rather the smell of them , that acrid smell of sulfur and the volatile mud and water that made them such a spectacle . Still , I needed a refresher course and Tommy had never been . The Beartooth Highway had only just opened the day I arrived in Montana . As it has hits lists to be known as both one of the most beautiful drives in Alaska and one of the most dangerous , we had to go that way . Of course . The drive wasn 't terrible . Though we hit elevations where snow was still present in great amounts , the road itself was clear of ice . Lack of visibility in some areas and a variety of tight curves made attention necessary , but between that and a cautious speed , there wasn 't much to worry about . God , and when we got into the park , there were just so many different sights to see . We drove all over that place . The craziest thing was that there was such a monumentally diverse level of scenery . All in the same state you 've got towering mountains , open fields , rolling hills , rivers , waterfalls , forests and canyons . You 'd think you had traveled to any number of places . It was breathtaking . On several occasions , it made me speechless , an amazing thing in itself . Fuck , I only just now realized I didn 't even get a picture of the geyser while it was sitting dormant . Ah , well . I did get pictures of a mud volcano , Dragon 's Breath Cave , a sulfur lake , and the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone . Then I stayed up that night and spent some time to myself . In the quiet , there , everything else started to slip away and the gravity of my whole vacation kind of hit . Where I was , why I was there , and what it meant to me . All the emotions I had suppressed came out in a fucking rush for a couple hours . I reached out to the first person who came to mind and they talked me through everything , helped me work through things and swapped stories with me . Eventually I was able to fall asleep . The next day I made it a point to visit my grandparent 's grave site . It was the first time I had been able to in the nearly three years since my grandmother passed , in the two and a half years since my grandfather passed . I elected to go by myself , and I walked , a good 45 minutes to an hour , up a winding hill and past houses so old they have historical signs out front telling how they came to be . When I reached the cemetary , the sky was starting to grow overcast , but it wasn 't raining . I was the only one there and , save for the mostly muted sounds of passing traffic , it was deeply quiet . A mountain raised up in the background of where their remains were laid to rest . They were in a family plot , a handful of Mayers and a bunch of Hickoxes , just to the right and back from an old mausoleum . Red Lodge being the one - time wild West town that it is , there were many graves from the 1800s and early 1900s that I walked past . My grandparents ' seemed too new . It didn 't feel right . It didn 't feel fair . I wept there , alone but not , with them but in a capacity I couldn 't decide on . I wanted so desperately to believe in the Heaven my grandmother believed in , but I was also reminded by what she said : when you pass , it 's like a deep sleep . When the second coming of Christ occurred , you would wake up as if from a nap . Which means that even if there is a Heaven , she wasn 't there . Not yet . So I was there with memories and ashes , surrounded by the dead and wishing so desperately I had spent more time with them when they were alive . I 've never felt so alone , I don 't think , than standing in front of them wishing I could ask their advice . Wishing they could tell me things would be alright . I thought , too , then , about the last time I spoke to my grandmother . She had had a heart attack and I didn 't get to speak to her long . A minute , maybe ? Maybe a minute and a half . It wasn 't long . Her first questions were to make sure I was alright and to tell me she loved me . And I lied to her . One of the very last things I said to her was a lie . I told her I was fine . That my books were being published , that I was going to be set for life . That she didn 't have to worry about me anymore , and I told her I loved her , which was true , and we hung up , and she was gone within a couple hours . I didn 't even get to speak to my grandfather . He was too feeble and delirious to handle a phone . My uncle relayed my love and says he believed my grandfather understood and he let go . I couldn 't be there for either of them . It had been over a year since I 'd even seen them , and I thought about how my grandmother would call me when I was living in Los Angeles and Seattle and want to ask a million questions and I would get impatient and cut the conversations short . I thought about that and I fucking wept again . That was not an easy day for me , and it isn 't easy now to write about it . I miss them so much . I love them still , so much . Tommy and I slept in yesterday . I leave tomorrow , so I started gathering up the souvenirs I bought and the things I 've decided to save . I mailed off one box of old things to someone I think will appreciate them with the love they deserve and I 'll mail off another one to myself a little bit later . And then Tommy and I drove out to a little town maybe 5 - 10 minutes from Red Lodge , got a steak and a few beers and watched some pigs race . And let me tell you , unlike racehorses , these pigs had awesome names . I mean , look at this shit : The title of this post is a little inaccurate , as I also go over the rest of the house . After my last post , Tommy and I finished going through the upstairs drawers and closets . There were a few more letters , a few more pictures , but the big find of the day was a box containing hundreds of old pennies dating back as far as 1909 . Maybe they 're worth something , maybe not , but we spent the bulk of the day separating them by year and mint mark . It … was not an easy task . Or rather , it was easy enough but time - consuming . Tedious . It took several hours , but we finally did it , and we sorted them all into their own individual envelopes . The amount of glue I ingested sealing them probably wasn 't healthy , but those are concerns for tomorrow me . The only spots remaining to look through were the basement and the brown shed outside . The basement had a lot of boxes , a lot of empty suitcases . There were some old records ( mostly Christian music , but also Barbara Streissand ) and old books , but I didn 't root around too much . There were spider - webs everywhere , with spiders who wove them . I instantly began feeling things crawling all over my skin , paranoia out to get me . And yeah , har har , grown man scared of spiders , but they have black widows ( not Scarlett Johanssen ) and shit out here and homie don 't play that . I would have taken pictures , but I left my phone upstairs to charge at the time and I 'm not keen on going back down . There are probably some hidden treasures in those boxes . I 'll never know . I did make out with one thing though : The shed outside was also probably filled with spiders , but it seemed safer . The contents of the house were pretty straightforward , though : loads and loads of old magazines and newspapers . Loads of them . And that was that ! The house has been pretty well sifted through . I found some knick knacks to keep , some to give to friends . I realized there was a cuckoo clock missing . It was a broken thing you had to reset by hand by adjusting the chains that hung below it ; I was hoping I 'd still be able to remember how , but no luck there . I found more personal memories and looks into the past than I think I had prepared myself for . It 's been a good journey . It was time to take to town itself . There are a few roads that cut through Red Lodge but most are more for residential zones . There 's one that cuts through the back and has a school , and a pool , a hardware store and a general store . Those two pictures there are Main Street , looking both ways . Most of the gift shops , stores , restaurants and the like are along this road , and you can get pretty much anywhere you need to be by walking . Plenty of people drive , of course , who don 't want to ( or can 't ) walk , tourists coming in and out , people leaving for other cities for work or coming home . Even so , the traffic isn 't bad , and the exercise is welcomed . Still , if I get tired , there are always free horse - drawn carriage rides from 7PM - 9PM . Now , it 's still early in the year , so when I passed the pool by , it wasn 't in great shape . It hasn 't been opened yet , so the water is the kind of green you want your ninja turtles to be and not much else . The diving board had been removed , probably so the heaps of winter snow didn 't wreck it . I took a picture anyway . When I vacationed here as a kid , I spent as much time in this pool as I could . I love swimming , love it , and I got to hang out with kids my age and flirt with the teenage lifeguards and pick up a tan . I look good with a tan . I also haven 't been tan in probably twelve years , so you would never know it . Anyway , pool closed , I thought I would wander around and see what else I could find . Like , for example , a theater playing one movie . Which movie ? Do you really need to ask ? I continued on to the library . As a kid , I was always in there , reading every volume of the Hardy Boys mysteries I could find and re - reading the Indian in the Cupboard books . Remember the bathroom I showed a picture of in the last article ? I opened up the medicine cabinet and there was - no shit - a plastic cowboy and Indian in there . They never came to life . Magic is bullshit . But I was stoked all over again when I found the Candy Emporium . This candy shop is ridiculous . Not only does it have all kinds of traditional candy bars and chewy snacks like 100 Grand and Starbursts , they have dozens of buckets filled with all kinds of taffy and hard candies and fruit candies . Grab a bag . It 's $ 7 . 99 a pound . I spent $ 43 fucking dollars and I don 't even feel a little bad . Once I was loaded up on diabetes fuel , I decided it was far past time for an ice cream sundae . I 've talked about this before , but directly above the candy shop was an old - school ice cream parlor filled with tons of old photographs and Coca - Cola merchandise , a lever - action cash register and a machine that dispensed Coke in glass bottles , something I had never seen in Alaska . My grandfather and I used to go there all the time . I go outside and look for the staircase next to the candy shop that would take me up . What … what the hell ? ! They closed ? ! And I had given myself a hankering for ice cream that now was plaguing me . I was deeply dismayed . I wanted to sit on the little stools again and buy Coke in a glass bottle just for the hell of it and take a picture of the cash register . There were booths and tables , but no stools . I saw the ice cream selection and got Cookies and Cream from the nice young lady working . Then I … I looked around a bit . They had stools after all ! And Coke in glass bottles ! And that cash register ! It turned out they hadn 't closed , but simply relocated and a shock of childish glee coursed through me . After a while the weather calmed down . I started writing this . Now I 'm on my way to take a young man up on a drinking contest at the bar . There will be live music and good times , and even though the sheriff side - eyed Tommy and me pretty hardcore our first night in there , it should be fine . To the immediate right is the bedroom I stayed in as a kid . There 's a tiny twin bed and a dresser . Absent now is a glass case that used to be against the wall at the foot of the bed . At the time , it was filled with the creepiest goddamn dolls I had ever seen in my life . It 's a miracle I didn 't develop a complex of some kind . A couple of the dolls made it into the closet , but the room is mostly bare now , save for some boxes filled with old books . To the left is another bedroom . It 's the one Tommy is staying in , hence the definitely not - antique bags piled on top of the bed . There was some old sewing equipment in the dresser . In the closet , though , was where the good stuff was . I was only able to go through a bag full of magazines … … and one of three or four boxes , but the box I went through had literal hundreds of photos I had never seen before . It was jarring , honestly , and it affected me more than I led on with my friend there sorting through it . I was adopted into this family , right , and my parents have been absent for most of my life , so I spent the bulk of my life living with a couple that had already raised three kids . It 's both stunning and heartbreaking to see the full lives they led before I came into it . It made me feel … I don 't know . Separate . I know I shouldn 't , but seeing how my uncle , aunt and dad grew up ( and I mean literally , from baby photos to graduation pictures , to Thanksgiving dinners with first wives and my great - grandmother ) , seeing my grandparents as a young couple , it made me feel like there wasn 't a part of me in their life . That 's ridiculous , of course , they were a huge part of my life and I of theirs , but with most of my family dead now , distant or gone , there 's a loneliness in me that was compounded by seeing this childhood and sibling camaraderie that I never fully got to have or understand . My grandparents were loving people and essentially parents who guided me through a large chunk of my life , but they were still an entire generation removed . We played , but never tossed balls . We didn 't go fishing or camping or much of anything , really . And another part of me sees my dad as a young kid , my uncle teaching him how to play the guitar . Graduating high school , going to the zoo , goofing off , sporting the worst mustache ever . I 'm seeing this youthful , cheerful version of him smiling , and it hurts my heart to think of the broken shell of a man waiting to get out of prison - again - next month with dreams of running away to Mexico where no one can hurt him anymore . I thought of him there , in a cell , hurting from a broken back he endured when I was a kid , and I thumb through the Western Union telegram that my grandfather sent his mother the day he was born : " JEAN HAD SEVEN POUND MINE OUNCE BOY THIS AFTERNOON BOTH DOING FINE BABY LOOKS LIKE JEAN AND CAN OUT YELL DAVID . DEBBIE WANTED GIRL BUT SETTLED FOR BUSTER AND A MILK SHAKE DAVID AND I HAPPIEST FELLOWS IN ALASKA WISH YOU WERE HERE LETTER FOLLOWS LOVE " . These photos were a peek into a history I never got to hear about . Peeks into the past , childhoods of the people who took me in and have tried to ask about me at least over the years . I flipped through countless pictures , setting aside some that I want to take home and hopefully someday share with kids of my own , but I kept going through this massive box of pictures because I knew if I stopped in the middle of it , I might be overwhelmed . Further down the hall on the right is the master bedroom , I guess . I suspect it 's the same size of smaller than the room Tommy is in , but it 's where my grandparents stayed and it 's where I 'm staying for the duration of my visit . It 's a bed , a nightstand and an ( empty ) wardrobe . The bed is cozy . Of course it is . And to the far left of the hall , across from my bedroom , is a storage room where most of the extra furniture has been moved . There look to be a few things go through there , too . I 'll try to get to that today . After the photo business , Tommy and I got a bottle of Big Horn bourbon whiskey , which I purchased on the recommendation of the clerk after asking for the best locally brewed dark whiskey . Tommy and I started working through that while catching up on each other 's lives and telling old stories . We hadn 't seen each other in 8 years , but it felt like no time had passed at all . Eventually we headed to the bar to listen to some live music and try the local beers ( which were great ) . The bartender 's name was Tanner , but I thought it was Nick at some point , so we just called him Nick Tanner the rest of the night and he gave us water so the sheriff wouldn 't think we were being overserved . I gave my number to the other bartender , a fun , flirty , beautiful woman named Megan . I invited her to come over and sort through old shit with me . Why ? Big Horn bourbon whiskey , that 's why . Anyway . I still have some rooms to go through , as well as a basement and a shed . There will be a few more of these , I think . One for the whatever else I find , one for the city , and I think we 're going to try and head to Yellowstone at some point . Hope you 're continuing to enjoy this peek at history and my childhood . Red Lodge is a small town about an hour , hour and a half outside of Billings . The road there is surrounded by collapsed and abandoned mines and fields full of cows . When the taxi service picked me up to drive me in , he almost hit a baby deer on our way in . It 's old country out here still . Not a lot of people , not a lot of noise . I like it . The town has just over 2 , 000 people as permanent residents . It was founded in the late 1800s and had a riotous nature for many years due in large part to an excess of saloons and coal miners , and an uneasy truce with the Crow tribe of Native Americans . The first marshall had a nickname of " Liver - Eater " . It was that kind of place . The population seems to have hovered around 2 , 000 - 3 , 000 ever since , and large chunks of the city remain in the past . Old houses , old furniture , old styles . It 's why I loved coming here as a kid . It was like traveling through time . That last picture is kind of awesome . The main door , the only one my uncle has a key for , pulls outwards . It 's also got a big - ass tree growing in front of it . If anyone ever wants entry , they 'll have to cut the poor thing down and cut the padlock off of the double - doors next to it . My uncle and aunt have already tossed or sold a bunch of stuff in the house . In the righr corner , you can sort of make out some boxes that they 've packed up . In the white cabinets , there wasn 't a whole lot left . I found a 10 cent novel installment from 1926 that was in excellent condition , save for some tears at the creases , as well as a mint container from 1907 and holy shit ? Prince Albert in a can ? I get that joke now . On either side of the sign , you can see a black and white cow . My grandmother loved - specifically - black and white cows . Our house in Anchorage was lousy with them . Figurines . Plates . A cover for the lightswitch that always made me feel like I was flicking the poor animal in the udders . I never spent much time in this room , but my grandmother used to have people over sometimes and they would sit and chat for hours in here . The door you see in the top picture leads down to a basement . Since it 's probably dark and full of spiders ( but also fossils ) , I 'm thinking I 'll wait until Tommy gets here before trying to hear down . The little table next to the door used to have a rotary phone on it . My uncle must have tossed it once the phone service was disconnected . Too bad . I 'm pretty sure some of my friends and readers have never seen one before . The cabinet seen in the last photo has a bunch of old , old dolls and some china . My grandmother used to collect all sorts of things like that . I also found a newspaper from 1918 , right near the end of World War I , talking about the war . In the bottom of one of the glass dishes , I found a pair of matching matchbooks , one with my grandfather 's name on it , the other with my grandmother 's . I left them there . It seemed the right thing to do . This is the living room . The lights are burnt out currently , but my phone apparently has an amazing camera . You can see the piano that has long since been used ( but still works and is in tune ) . The desk next to it with the photos on it used to have a box television with rabbit ears . I sat on that musty looking orange couch and fought against the static to watch the Chicago Bulls beat the Utah Jazz in 1998 . Could have been 1997 , but I 'm pretty sure I recall it being Jordan 's sixth championship . That is , indeed , a toilet with a curtain around it . I felt awkward using it as a child and feel awkward about it still as an adult . I 'll stick to the upstairs one . You can see the bed and the bookcase behind it . That 's where I really found some interesting things . A lot of the stuff on the bookcases were meticulous record - keeping logs . It looked as if my grandfather 's mother may have been a teacher at some point . His father may have been in charge of a store . There is a shop list of how much of a product ( corn , shelled ; flour ; coal , etc . ) was going to which resident at what weight and for how much . There is a log of which residents have how many inches of water to pan from in the river . If you like shows like Deadwood , it 's incredibly interesting stuff . I also found about a hundred , maybe two hundred old photographs . I mean photographs from the 1890s - 1940s . They were in pristine condition . Absolutely stunning , but I began to feel incredibly invasive . Some of these photos were of family members I 've never known or heard of , whom I would never know or hear of . Others were of … okay , did you know that people would get pictures taken and then put on postcards to send ? Because it looks like that 's exactly what happened . I 'm not even sure that people were sending postcards of themselves . It 's the equivalent of you going to a store , finding a postcard with a picture of the guy who mows your yard and sending it to your sister in another state with a completely unrelated message on the back . And you know , that 's just the beginning . This town has a lot of little memories . There 's still half a house for me to cover , but this is a lot already . I 'll save the rest for a couple more entries . Hope you 've enjoyed a little peek at my childhood and the history around it . |
Hey it 's Alyanna ! I just wanted to let you all know that I 'm completely home alone and I have a huge urge to shit ! But I 'm not going to record it this time . I 'm going to try something else ! I 'm going to shit in a bowl this time ! Yep I 'm going to take the biggest bowl we have , put in on the bathroom floor and shit in it ! Then when I 'm done I 'll put the shit in the toilet , flush then clean the bowl good andbput it back ! I just hope everybody is gone long enough so I can get away with it ! Anne - I wish I was brave enough to do that . Do you ever consider it fun to do that or is it just a regular routine thing ? Have you ever been in a situation where you had a real accident ? As in you tried to hold it but couldn 't ? I hope you post more stories ! Stephanie - Looking back , was it kind of exciting knowing that you might not make it back to your bathroom ? Or were you just extremely nervous the whole time ? I know I was terrified when I knew I was going to have an accident but now that I think about it , it was a very different feeling , maybe the adrenaline from panicking or something . I hope you post more about how you became interested in your " hobby " , lately I 've gotten really curious about it even though I never got any enjoyment out of my accidents as a kid . Maggie - I never had an accident where I was surrounded by classmates and was discovered by everyone but I know what that feeling is like . That would be very hard at that age . At least you can look back and laugh at it now . As for me , I 've had other accidents than the 2 I 've posted but those were still very vivid because of the situation I was in . I 'll try and tell about the others that I had soon . Daniel - I had to poop my pants in front of my girlfriend once , and I was even younger . Me and her were hanging out at my house , we were 15 . My basement recently got flooded by massive rainstorms , and everything was damaged and pulled out . Even the sheetrock and carpet , so it was just a little square cement room with a few pipes , there was absolutely nothing down there . I wanted to show my girlfriend so we went down . My mom shouted that she was going to the pharmacy and then the grocery store , and she would be back in maybe an hour thirty . She trusted us and knew we woudn 't do anything crazy , which was true . I heard the basement door shut when she was leaving and paniced , because the basement door can only be opened from the outside . The inside handle doesn 't work and we were now locked down there for at least the next ninety minutes . I tried calling my mom to come back , but no service from the basement . And it got worse - I began to have to pee and poop . After twenty minutes it was starting to get bad , probably because I hadn 't pooped in three days . My girlfriend was starting to notice and asked what was wrong . I felt uncomfortable telling her , so I said nothing . She knew , because she asked " Do you have to go # 2 ? " I responded " kind of " . She told me not to be embarrassed , she had to pee too . That made me feel more comfortable . She said " You know , it wouldn 't be so bad if we had to do it down here . It is kind of an emergency . " I jumped right on that offer , because I was on the verge of crying I had to go so bad . Of course I asked her if she was sure it was ok a million times , but finally I pulled my pants down and squatted in a sit down position . I turned away so my back was facing her . I told her I had never gone squatting before , so she said she would watch to make sure it didn 't land in my pants . I was a little bit embarrassed but I had to go so bad . I gave a push and first came an airy fart , and my turd started . It was a really really hard one and took a lot of pushing . It kept coming and coming and my butt was slipped up I had this terrible stomachache a couple weeks ago and felt like I had to go , but I couldn 't so I ran myself a bath . I washed my hair and everything , and later I was just sitting there in the water , and I let out a fart . It didn 't really feel like a fart , it felt like a squirt , but I didn 't see anything , so I farted again , and then tucked a hand down there and all this liquid shit swirled out . It was disgusting and I felt so stupid ! I used a washcloth to wipe it all out of the bathtub after I finished squatting on the toilet with some moaning and farts interspersed with the liquid shit . The story is , normally I have a shower on a Sunday morning , and when my parents are out shopping every week , I release my full bladder into the shower , but I had a shower yesterday , and I didn 't get to have a good pee in it yesterday , and I don 't normally shower two days in a row , so I didn 't again today . Anyway , I woke up with a weird urge to pee into a chair , that 's fabric , like my computer chair , but noooo way was I going to do that , so I decided to try as best I could to imagine it . It 's easy to recreate the sound by folding up toilet paper and letting it lay just above the water in the bowl , and slowly releasing it , and I just had to imagine I was sitting on a chair . Then later , I regretted this , as I thought it would be fun to kneel down in the bathtub and let it go , and then wash it down the drain . I have done this once before , and it made no sound and it was great to watch my pee come out . So I waited a bit and had breakfast and went on my computer . Then when I was washing up I felt an urge to pee , but I knew it was only because I had my hands in the water . So I went upstairs and drank two cups of water , and waited a little bit longer , until there was the tiniest hint of an urge - I had to make sure I did this before my parents come back from shopping ! I waited a while and the water wasn 't changing anything quickly , but I decided to go anyway . So I took off my pj shorts and underwear , and sort of spread my legs , and had one arm on each side of the tub supporting me . I let go and it splashed everywhere and made a small noise . This was cool , but I got a lot more wet than when I knelt down before . A couple hours later the water from earlier hit me ! I was about to go to the bathroom when I remembered my parents were going to be out walking to dog , and I would have an opportunity to try something . I didn 't want to go again in the tub , so I had to think of something . Anyway , they finalllyyyy after another 2 hours said they were going out . And I was quite desperate and wondering what to try , when I walked past an empty plastic cup I had left from when I had a cup of drink in my room . I wasn 't going to try anything in my room , so I went into our toilet ( seperate from the bathroom ) and took of my jeans and underwear and put the cup between my legs . It took a bit of repositioning and there was some spillage but as I let go I could see the cup filling with yellow . I filled the cup 3 times , and it was really hard to keep starting and stopping ! Oh dear just driving to see my mother had an urge to pee and shit all at once . Literally pulled over my car , tried to hind behind it . Yanked my jeans down pissed for 10 mins non stop loved watching it flow . Then bowels opened and good 3 inch log stretched out followed by another 3 or 4 then few little pebbles , on someones driveway so sorry but could not stop the poo once it started . Good few 3 inch logs piled up in neighbours garden ! ! ! ! For starters , I 'm 14 , about 100lbs , and I 'm straight , 100 % . I like stories about constipation . They don 't turn me on , I just like reading them , Ok , so here 's my story . This happened towards the beginning of the school year . I had been really constipated , and haven 't pooped in like , 9 days . ( My eating habits are HORRIBLE ! ) At school during the 10th day , I had a really bad ? ? ? ? ? ache and was really bloated . I asked my 4th hour teacher if I could go to the bathroom and he let me . I sat down and tried to relieve myself by pushing very gently . No luck . I started leaning forward and straining harder . Still no luck . I leand forward all the way and grunted really loud and felt the tip poke out . I had been in there for about 7 minutes , but I was determined to get this sucker out of me . I began pushing really hard and the turd came out a little further , and got stuck . At this point , my stomach was hurting very bad . I was moaning and groaning pretty loudly , trying to get it out . It had been about 12 minutes now , when I heard my school nurse ( female ) come in and knock on my stall . " Honey , are you alright in there ? Your teacher sent me after you , he said you 've been gone a long time . " I said , " Not really , I 'm having trouble going number 2 . " She told me to pull up my pants and come with her to the bathroom in her office , where she would help me . When we got there , I pulled down my pants and undies and sat back down . She gently rubbed my ? ? ? ? ? and told me to push . Uuuuuuunnngghhhhh ! ! ! Then she stopped rubbing my ? ? ? ? ? and told me to try grunting . Uuuhhh ! ! . . . Ooohh ! . . . . . . GGRRRRRNNNN ! ! ! ! " Here it comes ! " I shouted as it began slowly coming out further . The nurse just kept saying , " Relax , just take your time . It 's almost out . " I clutched my stomach , leaned forward all the way , and went Oooooooooooooooohhhhhh ! ! ! ! as it slowly , painfully began sliding out . I leaned back to catch my breath while the nurse began to rub my ? ? ? ? ? really hard . It was almost out all the way . I began pushing really hard again . OOOHHHHHH ! ! ! The turd fell into the water with a Pluuunk ! I felt empty , so I stood up and wiped . There wasn 't much on the toilet paper , thank goodness . I layed down in the nurse 's office for a while and wen 't back to class . By now it was 6th hour . I went 20 days without a single poop . I was trying to avoid this , I hate going to the bathroom , i knew how terrible the pain will get , when it finally come out , but yesterday night at 11 p . m . the pressure was to strong , i had no other coice . Lucky i was at home and not at school , so nobody could her me . My parents were at a businesstrip , so I was alone in the house . I went to the bathroom , locked the door , and put all cloths off . Then I layed toilet paper on the floor and began to squat totally naked . I start to push really hard . I had to push about more than 40 minutes , and finally a huge very hard log came out of my anus . It hurt so bad and I screamt when it came out . My eyes became watery , tears running down my face , the pain was so terrible . When it finally come out , it was a very big hard mass coverd with blood . I knew , that I had a few cuts in the anus , and when I poop and the poop passes the anus it bleed . . . i wanted to share a story , 1 was walking home from a pub a few weeks ago with a few friends we were fairly drunk but not too bad we were a few minutes from home when a guy came up to us , he was holding a knife and started threatening us looking for money . i was terrified , my heart almost beating out of my chest , after a few seconds i noticed i was peeing i could feel my crotch and thighs getting extremely warm and wet , it was pouring out of me steadily and spreading down my legs i tried to stop but i couldnt besides i was far more focused on the guy with the knife , he ran away when he noticed a car coming , before he got anything off us . we were all in shock after the experience even though it only lasted a few seconds . it was too dark to see my jeans but i could tell they were soaked most of the way down we went home the rest of the way shaking and crying . when we got in the door of my house i looked down i was mortified , my jeans were completely soaked , i felt a little better when i saw the other girls all of them bar two had peed themselves to some degree although none of them as bad as me , we 've all calmed down after this although anymore we know to get a taxi home for safety . It 's quite amazing how the few memories I 've had as a kid , that a good amount of them would involve awkward bathroom moments . I 've got a few involving members from my family this time . The first story takes place when I was about 7 years old . I was heading home from an after school session with my mom picking me up , and on the way home , I noticed she seemed to be a bit impatient . After the ten minute drive from school to our house , she was desperate to head back into the house , only for it to be locked ( and for her not to have her house key ) . We couldn 't wait for my dad to come home , seeing how it would still be a few hours , and she had a dire urge to go to the bathroom . Well , she had to drive somewhere to the closest town by our house , and she drove until it suddenly got too intense and she had to pull over to some woodsy area by the road . She dashed out of the car and told me to come with her so she wouldn 't worry about me . She found a fairly secluded patch , pulled down her pants and underpants , and squatted with her ass facing me . She wasn 't kidding with how desperate she was , because when she was letting out a pee stream , her anus started to crown and let out one of the thickest turds I have seen in my early years . It kept coming until it was well over a foot long , and then it was flump , flump , flump for the rest of it . My mom made a huge pile , but unfortunately , she had nothing to wipe her extremely messy asshole with and there were no big leaves close by , so she had to waddle a bit to find a rock to wipe the majority of the poop off . After wiping , she dressed up and we dashed back to the car and off to get some groceries until my dad came home . This next one happened at age 16 . I went on a camping trip with my aunt and two of my cousins of hers . One was about my age level and her name was Erica , while the second one was three years older and her name was Rebecca , usually known as Becky . We rented out a primitive lake cabin that had no running water facilities whatsoever , so we bathed with one of those solarI 'm glad you all enjoy my stories , hopefully I can post some current noteworthy material as well . ty Daniel - I had to poop my pants in front of my girlfriend once , and I was even younger . Me and her were hanging out at my house , we were 15 . My basement recently got flooded by massive rainstorms , and everything was damaged and pulled out . Even the sheetrock and carpet , so it was just a little square cement room with a few pipes , there was absolutely nothing down there . I wanted to show my girlfriend so we went down . My mom shouted that she was going to the pharmacy and then the grocery store , and she would be back in maybe an hour thirty . She trusted us and knew we woudn 't do anything crazy , which was true . I heard the basement door shut when she was leaving and paniced , because the basement door can only be opened from the outside . The inside handle doesn 't work and we were now locked down there for at least the next ninety minutes . I tried calling my mom to come back , but no service from the basement . And it got worse - I began to have to pee and poop . After twenty minutes it was starting to get bad , probably because I hadn 't pooped in three days . My girlfriend was starting to notice and asked what was wrong . I felt uncomfortable telling her , so I said nothing . She knew , because she asked " Do you have to go # 2 ? " I responded " kind of " . She told me not to be embarrassed , she had to pee too . That made me feel more comfortable . She said " You know , it wouldn 't be so bad if we had to do it down here . It is kind of an emergency . " I jumped right on that offer , because I was on the verge of crying I had to go so bad . Of course I asked her if she was sure it was ok a million times , but finally I pulled my pants down and squatted in a sit down position . I turned away so my back was facing her . I told her I had never gone squatting before , so she said she would watch to make sure it didn 't land in my pants . I was a little bit embarrassed but I had to go so bad . I gave a push and first came an airy fart , and my turd started . It was a really really hard one and took a lot of pushing . It kept coming and coming and my butt was new guy Hey guys ! In case you don 't remember me I 'm the girl who wrote the story about always wearing goodnites . So earlier today I was out with my mom at the mall . I realized I kind of had to poop so I went and found a private isle and just let er rip . I filled my goodnite with the normal amount of poop and almost stood up . When I tried more poop came out ! So I squatted back down and kept pooping . I filled the goodnite with so much poo that it wrapped around my crotch and my whole waste . I stood up and poked at my butt and saw that it was bulging about an inch out ! I walked over to my mom ( I was to lazy to change ) and kept following her around . Eventually I had to pee too . So I just peed my pants and told my mom I needed to change . I walked into a stall in the womens room and took off my goodnite . It was huge ! I cleaned up , flushed the old goodnite , and put on a new one . See you guys later ! Car Mom Mr Clogs : thank you for the encouragement and I 'm glad you like my posts ! Yes , I 'm still here , just nothing has happened . Laura 's friend Melissa never did come over , and she might not . Laura told me that she changed her mind and that she has been standoffish lately . But I will let you and everyone know if anything happens ! Someone asked if anyone had ever gone in the front seat of my car . The answer is no , at least not yet . I 'm not sure if I 'll ever allow that or not . Also , in answer to your other question , as far as I can remember no more than 3 have gone at one time , I guess because that 's how many can fit in the backseat . My car is a Neon , so its not real big . New guy : you asked me if Kaylee helps me post on this site . Actually she doesn 't even know this site exists ! She will when she 's older though , as long as she is still interested in this sort of thing . Also , since you asked , my first name is Megan , although I 've mentioned that before . I 'm 26 years old . Petite pooper : I guess there can be germs , but its not like I 'm going to go back there and lick the seat ! I say there 's germs everywhere ! Even in our eyelashes ! Aaaaahhhhh ! ! ! ! Sorry . Seriously though , I don 't have a problem with people 's germs . Especially the girls , they 're just kids . Anonymous ( page 2005 ) : I 've actually only recently read goldgirl 's posts . They are very unique ! I wonder what ever happened to her . She was only a teenager , so she may have just lost interest . Maybe she grew up to be ME ! Just kidding ! As far as peeing on the floor from the couch , I probably wouldn 't do it since I live in a rented duplex apartment . Alan in Amsterdam : as I 've said in the past , the smell of pee doesn 't bother me at all , so I never bother anymore with cleaners and air fresheners . Also , although at least one girl has gotten up on her knees to pee , I believe all of the others have always just sat on the seat and let it go . I remember the girl who peed on her knees did it facing the back of the seat , and some of her pee went onto the back of the seat . In fact the yellow spot is still there . But of course I don 't mind . I went 20 days without a single poop . I was trying to avoid this , I hate going to the bathroom , i knew how terrible the pain will get , when it finally come out , but yesterday the pressure was to strong , i had no other coice . Lucky i was at home and not at school , so nobody could her me . My parents were at a businesstrip , so I was alone in the house . I went to the bathroom , locked the door , and put all cloths off . Then I layed toilet paper on the floor and began to squat totally naked . I start to push really hard . I had to push about more than 40 minutes , and finally a huge very hard log came out of my anus . It hurt so bad and I screamt when it came out . My eyes became watery , tears running down my face , the pain was so terrible . When it finally come out , it was a very big hard mass coverd with blood . I knew , that I had a few cuts in the anus , and when I poop and the poop passes the anus it bleed . . . Here 's just a little thing me and friends do when we have to pee at the beach , I 'm not sure how many people actually do this . We think it 's kind of gross to pee inhe ocean , especially in wetsuits where it 's stuck in there , so here 's wha we do instead . You just dig a little hole into the ground , lay on top of it lining your waste up wiu the hole , then discretel let your privates out and into the hole . Then you just pee and the sand soaks it up like kitty litter , fill in the hole and it 's down there where there 's likely a lot or grosser stuff , so no harms done . The best part is , to anyone who doesn 't know that trick I just looks like you 're laying on the beach 1 . Would have five minute no questions asked daily pass for the bathroom help ? Four years ago it sure would have . I didn 't like approaching my teachers - - especially when they were busy which was like always - - and admit I needed to perform a bodily function . Curiously enough now , students come and leave large - group lectures pretty much at will . However , when they come back in five or ten minutes later , they nudge me to see what 's on the screen of my lap top because they know they will be help responsible for the notes on the test . 2 . What if hourly custodial cleanings of bathrooms were done and posted such as in hotel and business bathrooms . That would sure help in the middle and high schools . It wouldn 't even have to include the thorough cleaning of each toilet and sink ; for a lot of the students a simple flush would make their day . It was so disheartening to stand in a five - deep line and when a stall finally opens , to go in and see unflushed crap or pee on the seat . My college 's bathrooms are much cleaner because of the age level and maturity of the students , more time ( 15 to 20 minutes between classes ) , but there are still some huge shitters that stop up the stools . In some buildings , I think the restrooms are checked about every two hours . 3 . Would cameras outside the entrance to the bathroom pointed only at the entryway and who 's entering and the time entered , deter vandalism and misuse ? At my old high school , I don 't think the administration would have wanted to spend that kind of money . However , my college has cameras in a lot of strategic areas including the entrances to the dorms and the recreational community building . We feel good about that because there have been some real creepy people hanging out on campus and just lurking around , especially after dark . There are bathrooms which you enter from the outside of the recreational community building that I used to use when I was out running in the early morning and evenings . No any more . I like to hear a door lock behind me . 4 . Should faculty be forced to use the student bathrooms . Depending on what side of the building they taught on , some did in my high school . However , on breaks between classes , that just tied up another stall and made the wait longer for us . Interestingly , we never saw administrators in our bathrooms . Now in college , some professors do use the student bathrooms . Last month on a day when the public schools were closed due to weather , my Enlish teacher brought her two daughters who are like 5 or 6 to campus . She was crapping in the middle stall and her girls went into a stall , peed , and then were bored with their mother taking so long . I kneeled down and was talking to them while their mom finished up . My teacher was really appreciative and I hope will give me the benefit of the doubt on my persuasive / advocacy paper next month . 5 . Would the tissue protectors for the toilet seats be a solution to students not wanting to use school bathrooms . I 've posted about this before : in my old high school ( 9th & 10th grades ) we had the seat papers and I used them , although not all the students would use them . Then when I moved to the school I graduated from , which was larger and the bathrooms were in worse shape , we didn 't have the tissues and I missed them . But while it was hard at first , I just got accustomed to sitting right down on the seat and taking care of my bodily functions like the others . Now , when I 'm out in public places and the paper covers are available , I will rarely use them . It 's when the seat papers are pulled off and strown about that the messes and problems occur . And in my old school , we had a case when the firemen were called and we had to evacuate when someone put a lighter up into the dispenser of the seat papers . I took a part time job doing light maintenance at a local company . A couple of weeks ago , I got a work order to repair the latch on the handicapped stall of the ladies ' room . I got my tool box and went to the door of the ladies ' restroom . Just as I arrived , a woman came out . I asked her if anyone else was in there because I had a repair to do , and she said no . I knocked anyway just to make sure , and opened the door a crack and called out " Maintenance ! " I got no answer . So I propped open the door and put a piece of yellow caution tape about eye level across the door , and I hung a sign on the tape saying " Closed briefly for maintenance . " This was my first time entering a ladies ' room . I went to the handicapped stall . The latch worked , but it didn 't catch in the frame so the door would not stay locked . So I started making adjustments . I thought the repair would take 10 or 15 minutes . About 5 minutes into my repair I heard a woman 's voice say " Hello , can I come in ? " I said I was making a repair and would be another 5 or 10 minutes . I heard footsteps and she came around the corner and said , " If you don 't mind , I really need to go . " She was a woman about 35 , in tight slacks and medium length blonde hair . I 'd say she was pretty hot . I was sitting on the floor with my tools spread out with the latch dangling loose and needed a minute to get situated so I could leave the room . I said , " Give me a minute and I 'll leave while you 're here . " She said nothing , went into the first stall ( there were 4 and I was repairing the last one ) . I was getting up to leave and I heard her pulling down her slacks . I thought , whoa , aren 't you going to wait for me to leave ? Just as I started walking toward the door , she let out a loud fart and I could hear a rapid " plunk , plop , plunk , PLUNK " and she sighed . I went outside the door , a bit dazed at what just happened . I stood by the door while she finished . It was quiet in the hallway and with the door propped open , I heard another pretty loud fart and even though I was a ways from the stalls , I Making A Deposit This past week at work , a stomach flu bug was going around . I heard several of the women in our office complaining about it . It started about a week ago and as some got over it , others came down with it . It seemed to be a 24 - 48 hour bug that caused stomach cramps and diarrhea . It didn 't seem to make most feel badly enough to miss work , but a sudden urgency would hit meaning a trip to the restroom . I 've posted about our lively ladies ' room at 10 a . m . and 2 p . m . every day when everyone in there is having their bowel movements . Well , this past week it was even more active at all times of the day and the smells were horrendous . I 've posted about a few of the women in the past - noisy grunters , farters , etc . But most of the ladies in our office are as ladylike as possible when they have to poo . This flu that was hitting most everyone made even the most ladylike women noisy in the restroom . Early in the week I went to the ladies ' room to pee around 9 o ' clock . I was just entering the door when a young woman named Megan in our office came walking down the hall very quickly , looking at the floor . I figured she was heading to the restroom . I was right . There are 6 stalls and 3 were occupied when I went in . The first three were open and I took the first stall . Megan came in , broke into a run and went into the second stall . She practically ripped her slacks down and sat just as a gush of lumpy sounding diarrhea came out of her . This was before I could even get my pee started . She courtesy flushed . I began my pee . In the meantime I heard a few farts coming from down the line and one liquid sounding poo going on a few of stalls away . I figured Megan and the other noisy woman had the bug . I was finishing peeing and Megan did another wave of watery diarrhea and a loud splattering fart came out at the end . I felt badly for her . I know her and she is quite shy and very reserved . I had never heard her pooing before . I am sure she was embarrassed at having diarrhea with a near full restroom . But I know she couldn 't help it . Flushes Ciara I waited in the car while Tom went inside the bank . I decided to listen to some music while I waited . After I finished playing some heavy metal music , I looked at the time on my phone and realized that Tom has been in the bank for almost 30 minutes . I decided to go inside and find out what was the hold - up . Once I got inside , I discovered that the lines were so long that they extended to the door , but I didn 't see Tom in any of the lines . I also noticed that the line leading to the men 's ' restroom was even longer , which was surprising because that NEVER happens ! As I got closer , I was assaulted with a foul stench of poop and I heard a very familiar voice grunting and moaning . I said , " Excuse me " to the very impatient guys , knocked on the door , and said , " Tom , it 's me , Ciara ! " The - Uhhhh ! - door 's unlocked ! " He responded with a strain in his voice . I went inside and closed the door behind me . I noticed that Tom 's face was beet red with strain and sweaty , and he was gripping the front of the toilet seat and pushing up on his toes while trying to push out a monster turd . I asked him , " What 's taking so long ? You said that you had to make a deposit . " " I - Uhhhh ! - do ! " was Tom 's response , and I suddenly realized that he wasn 't talking about a bank deposit . I went over to him and rubbed his back encouragingly while he continued to push out the tennis ball - sized turd . Finally , after about 10 more minutes , the turd came out with a great SPLASH ! Four more plops followed , and Tom sighed and exclaimed , " Oh , what a relief ! " I helped him clean himself up , and surprisingly , Tom 's monster turds didn 't clog up the toilet when we flushed it . As we exited the restroom , the guys who were still waiting were giving Tom dirty looks , but Tom didn 't seem to care . As we got into the car , Tom said guiltily , " I probably should have been more specific when I said that I was going to make a deposit . " This was the first time I pooped anywhere besides a toilet on purpose , and the first time in front of a friend . Back in the summer , we were both 14 , and we went swimming at a local lake . We live out west in a desert type place , and this lake we discovered was perfect for swimming . Completely rock with no mud , big rocks to jump off , no bugs , and cool fish . It was only about the size of a basketball court ( but oval ) and about 15 feet deep at the most . We had been swimming right after our lunch , I think we had a few hot dogs . I started to have to poop , but ignored it , knowing my house was a mile away with the closest bathroom . It became worse and worse , and I realized I hadn 't gone in three or four days . I told my friend that I really had to go , and I climbed out to look for a spot . My friend shouted " It 's flat land out here , you 'll never find privacy . " He was right . It was unbearable , so right there , I pulled down my swim shorts and took a squat . My squat was about the same as if I was sitting on a chair , my pants just below my knees . I gave a push , and a long snake slithered out of my butt . It was huge ! First about a nine inch log , followed by a six incher . I also peed , but wasn 't even worried about that . The pee stream shot so far , almost four feet in front of me . I was forced to use my socks to wipe , and left them there . We went back almmost every day , and my poop was always there . One day my friend even dropped a log on top of it ! That was my first experience of pooping in front of a friend , and that is why now I can do it with no problem . Althea : Yeah that Lincoln Tunnel traffic was terrible ! I was about to pee in my pants , I was half temped but I didn 't have on black : ) ! Car Mom : Keep those posts coming . I enjoy reading them and it 's nice of you to allow your daughter use the backseat to pee in . OK here is a story I like to share . I 'm back on my fiber diet and been having some good dumps in the morning . Sometimes having a bowel movement in the afternoon . Sometimes I can take a dump when I first get up in the morning . On my story , I had a nice bowel movement at work today . I was at my desk and was farting up a storm . I knew it was my queue to take a dump . I made it to the 4th floor bathroom . I took the stall close to urinal and took my place . I placed the wet paper towels on the ledge and pulled down my pants and black polyester briefs and sat down . I gave a little push and let the turds flow . While I was pooping out these massive long turds , I peed into the toilet . Those turds really stunk up the place , I felt better and kind of peeked in the bowl to my amazement . I wiped with the wet paper towels and pulled up my briefs and pants . Then I inspect the bowl and saw like 2 feet long coiled then smaller turds surrounding it . Then I flushed and washed my hands then left the bathroom . Hi , I 'm a 13year old girl . I 'm 5 foot 6 and have red hair . I also wear goodnites 24 / 7 . I don 't wear them because of incontinence , I just am lazy . I poop and pee in them and have been doing this for years . At school I just poop and / or pee myself ( my poop never stinks and is always like peanut butter ) and just change myself in the bathroom . If I poop my pants sometimes I just won 't change out of laziness . Sometimes I just go again in my pants . If I pee though it 's different story . I don 't want my goodnites to leak so I only go once . Once when I was in school I pooped during 2nd period . I was In the middle of an important lesson so I just didn 't get changed . 2 periods later I had phys ed and that always makes me have to to poop . So after class I pooed in my already soiled diaper and still didn 't change . On the bus after school I had to poop AGAIN . ( I go about three times a day ) I hadn 't gotten the chance to change out of my diaper yet because I had a really busy day so I tried to hold . I 'm the last stop so about half way through the trip I just lost it and it all came out . My goodnite sagged with three bm 's worth of poop . Luckily I wore a skirt that day so it wasn 't noticeable . I got off the bus and changed out of my mountain of poop . More to come later . Hey I 'm Corey and I 'm a new poster . I 'm 19 years old , a freshman in college , and I 'm currently on spring break . It 's good to be back , especially for one reason . My bedroom at home is right next to a bathroom , and my mom uses it every morning . And while I have a fascination with watching / listening to other people poop ( never actually watched anybody ) , it 's kind of interesting to listen to my mom go . Every morning at around 7 am my mom will wake me up because the bathroom door locking is ridiculously annoying . I can hear her rustling her newspaper as she sits on the toilet . Yesterday morning , she let out a wet fart and immediately let out some diarrhea . I could hear it spray the insides of the toilet . She moaned and let out some wet farts and some runny diarrhea . A couple of more farts later , she grabbed some toilet paper and wiped herself . Then again . Then again . Again . Lol . I can imagine it must have been messy . She flushed , washed her hands , and left . This morning she had a more firm poop . I don 't think she was constipated , but she did a little grunting , followed by what sounded like some big logs . No farts this time , but she wiped a lot , more then when she had diarrhea . When she flushed I could hear it go down slow ( our toilet isn 't the greatest ) . Listening to her go made me have to go , so after she left I went in to poop . The bowl was streaked , and there was a wad of brown streaked paper still floating . I did my business , and had to put up with the smell . Haha , not fun . Thanks for reading . I have so many stories about my mom and others going in that toilet next to my bedroom . If anyone is interested , I 'd love to share . First post : done ! To piggy poop : I love to pee outside and when I am at the beach I always pee in the river or ocean . When I get to the beach I go in at about waist depth , stand still , and let it flow ; I can also do it when swimming around and I have had conversations with people and I was having a pee at the same time . It is so relaxing . I don 't poop in water since it is highly pathogenic vs sterile urine . I like to pee in alleys also and have used them for emergencies . I also like to pee on ferns since when I was little I saw a little boy doing this and as a girl I felt very envious . I also love to pee under water and always do it in the shower and when I go swimming . Outdoor people are less inhibited when it comes to peeing outside . My favourite is peeing in woodlots on pine needles or in sand or on rocks since you can see how much you produce and can see it flow . I have sometimes peed in the backyard when I lived in a house . Hi again Last summer I was in the park near our house , it 's quite popular on sunny summer evenings . Anyway , I was walking through one evening and felt the need to go so I went towards the loos . These are at one end of the park , behind some trees in a shaded area , in which there is a small red - brick building . So turning the corner into the area I saw a girl who must have been about 16 , squatting down on the floor , wearing school things . She had her skirt up and tights and bright pink knickers on the floor , weeing on the concrete ground . I then saw that the entrance to the loos was locked , with a council sign saying that they were closed and that they apologise for the inconvenience . The girl looked embarrased and apologised , she said she was bursting and came to the loo but couldn 't wait when she found out they were closed . Once she had finished she pulled up her pants and tights and went . Another time , I was waiting for the bus late at night , there were two girls who looked like students waiting with me . One of them , who was a brunette , told her blonde friend she needed a wee , and they should find somewhere that would have a toilet . However at that moment the bus approached , and the next one wasn 't for an hour , so they boarded and took seats upstairs at the front . They were chatting away but every so often the brunette would cross her legs and mention her need to wee . Because it was late at night , the bus went through various housing estates to drop people off , one of which had speed - bumps . Every time we went over one , the brunette girl would whimper a bit . After a while we passed a 24 - hour Asdas , just as we passed it the girl said " oh my god , we should have stopped , they 'd have had a toilet there ! " . Her friend pointed out there was only 15 minutes until they got home , to which she replied " But I 'm bursting ! " . Their conversation continued , it sounded as if they 'd been drinking all night and lost track of time , and had to run to the bus stop without time to stop for the loo . We approached my stop so I got up and rang the bell , turns out it was their stop too , but the brunette didn 't get up . " Siobahn we 'll miss the stop " said the other girl , " I can 't get up or I 'll wee myself ! " . She managed to get up and off the bus , and they hobbled a little way , the poor girl trying to cross her legs at the same time . All of a sudden she let out a shriek , and there was a hissing sound following by wee dripping onto the floor . She whimpered then pulled her leggings and white lacey knickers to her ankles , then just squatted on the pavement and let out a strong loud stream of wee . She looked mortified . Her friend handed her a tissue to wipe and try to clean herself up with , then they continued their walk home . I know it is a little late but I just wanted to thank Kate , the Soccer Mom for her awesome posts ! Everytime she posts it is a real treat to read . I 'm appreciative that she shares her and her daughter 's accidents with us and even told us about her daughter 's friend who had real bad diarrhea in her jeans at the mall . Driving to Uni I felt my weekly urge to have my poo . I quickly parked and made my way to the ladies toilets . The toilet was one of those low level types . As soon as I sat down my anus streched wide and my poo began to slowly edge it 's way out . As it entered the bottom of the toilet I could feel the back pressure as I forced it to fit in the hole . After wiping I glanced into the toilet to see a long rather wide poop . I flushed the paper was taken but the poop was either too wide or heavy for the toilet to take . I flushed one more time then left the poop in the toilet for someone else to get rid of . It 's Alyanna again ! Well I did it ! I recorded myself pooping again ! It was so fun and very cool to see ! I got to see myself release 3 logs . The first one was very chunky , medium brown and cracked and maybe about a foot long and 2 inches wide . The second one was thinner . It was maybe about 1 1 / 2 inches wide , 6 inches long , very light brown ( but not tan ) and had a pointy tip ! The last one was about 8 inches long , 2 inches wide , dark brown and somewhat smooth . I pushed a little then 5 turds were shown coming out very fast one by one . When I watched the clip I had a big smile on my face cause I could actually SEE the shit coming out of me ! I really thing everybody should try it ! It 's fun ! : ) I know most my stories are of past experiances , but lets fast foward some years to current times . Before I get on with this story I got a question for all the girls on the site : If you had the option , would you either sneak into the mens room , or walk a mile to the ladies room ? It was spring break for us so my whole family went out to this beach / camp site thats popular . By the beach are the bathrooms . When we got there we learned that a pipe had broken and that women would have to use the bathroom a mile or so the other direction . Not many women took that advice , over the three days we were there , I saw several women sneak into the mens room ! I didn 't even realise it till on the first day I went in there to pee , and when I was washing my hands I noticed the feet in the stall behind me had painted toe nails . My curiousity got the best of me and I bent over slightly to see under the stall . I couldn 't get a full view unless I laid on the dirty ( REAL dirty ) floor . But I could clearly see a pair of shorts and panties . I was totally shocked . I woke up this morning with a lot of gas & a pain in my stomach so I went straight to the toilet with my anus clenched . I quickly sat on the toilet & relaxed but only farted . The pain eased but soon came back so I pushed hard but it was just gas again . I got up & got dressed feeling very uncomfortable . I got ready for work & left the house with a desperate urge to empty my aching bowels intending to try again when I got to work . The drive to work was awfull . There were roadworks & long delays & I ended up getting to work half an hour late . I was desperate for a poo & knew by now it was more than just gas . I knew I would be in trouble for being late for work & couldn 't sneak off to the toilet now , so I had to hold it untill break . I sat in agony for 3 hours untill my break time & ran to the toilet with my anus clenched tightly . When I got there angelica was waiting to get in & was hopping up & down & holding her bum with both hands . She was clearly about to poo herself very badly & as soon as the the toilet became vacant she shot inside . 10 seconds later I could hear plop plop plop . As she did her business . Hearing all this made me even more desperate & when I heard Angelica sigh with relief it made it even worse . She grunted a little bit & then there was a loud sploosh followed by another sploosh as she pushed out a couple of big ones . I really had to go so bad hearing all that & I almost let go in my knickers but I held on for dear life while Angelica finished up & came out without flushing . I went straight in & looked in the toilet to see it half filled with Angelica 's huge poo . Boy did she go . She must have held it for a few days to do that much . I quickly pulled my jeans & knickers down & sat on the toilet . I exploded the most relieving semi solid poo I 've ever had & the warm seat where Angelica had sat was so hot . Between up we destroyed the toilet & when I tried to flush , it came right up to the rim & then went down quickly making a loud sucking sound as all our shit went down . Next page : Old Posts page 200 |
It is with great concern I write to you regarding your daughter Olga as I do not believe you are aware of her circumstances . I first became acquainted with your daughter when she was referred to this home by the Matron of St Giles Hospital because she was pregnant . Olga remained at the Refuge until she gave birth to her daughter , Marie . It is part of the Refuge 's policy that we try and maintain contact with mothers in order to see how they cope with their baby and , in spite of my initial doubts as to Olga 's ability to support both herself and a baby in a foreign country , as an unmarried mother and the stigma associated with that , I was impressed with how well she managed . However , Olga 's circumstances have now changed and she recently came to me with Marie in some emotional and financial distress . Her appearance gave me cause for concern , although , I would report that Marie looked well nourished and cared for . I gave her a little money , but , I suspect that Olga has no job or even a home to go to since she was evasive when I asked where she was living . I did my best to try and persuade Olga to contact you but , she is as adamant , as she was when I first met her , that you should know nothing of her circumstances . I have respected her decision until now . I believe your son Sydney comes to London on business . I would urge that on his next visit he contacts me and I will endeavour to help him locate Olga and Marie . Yours truly Over the years Martha has been referred to as the black sheep of the family , but my sister has demonstrated that she is much more than that . She is a vengeful and wicked woman who broke the heart of a sister that had only ever shown her kindness and affection . I realise now the dye was cast for Becky all those years ago when she announced her plans to marry Henry . Martha thought , irrationally , her dream of becoming rich with her own fashion house had disappeared because of Becky 's decision to marry a black man . Of course , she was wrong . She could have continued with her plans and ridden out the storm . But she lacked courage , something Becky had in abundance . So as an act of spite for some perceived slight all those years ago , Martha finally got her revenge in a spectacularly cruel way , allowing Becky to go to her grave believing her beloved daughter was dead . How could she do that ? As for Martha 's hypocrisy , lambasting Becky for marrying a black man when she was secretly living in sin with one in London , I cannot even bring myself to comment on it . Thank God for Geraldine Franks . What a good woman she is , but if only she had contacted us sooner . Olga is alive and has a little girl . Sydney says he will go to London to find her and bring them home . My mother , Olga , never returned to Jamaica nor was she reunited with any member of her family again after her meeting with Sydney in 1946 . Over the years Mum had been reluctant to talk about her past so I determined to find out what I could myself . I placed the following advertisement in the Sunday Gleaner in July 1996 : HAVE SEEN YOUR NOTICE IN THE GLEANER . SISTERS ( CISSIE , PEARL , RUBY AND DOLLY ) OF OLGA BROWNEY ARE RESIDING AT 9 ANTHURIUM DRIVE , MONA , KINGSTON 6 , JAMAICA . TEL : NO : 809 - XXX - XXX . VERY ANXIOUS TO MAKE CONTACT . WILL ACCEPT COLLECT CALL . RUBY SHIM ( MRS ) Slowly my mother 's story unravelled and I discovered much about her family and other things too ; I learnt about my grandmother and what courage she showed in following her heart and marrying a black man knowing she would be ostracised by Jamaican white and coloured society ; I learnt how the Jamaican social and class structure mirrored the English pattern of behaviour . I knew there was colour prejudice ( or racism as it is called today ) but I had no idea that coloured people felt the same way about the blacks . I was upset to hear that some of my grandmother 's children railed against Becky for marrying a black man . I learnt a lot about the wonderful Jamaican culture and folklore - anancy , duppies and , of course , obeah , things I knew nothing about until I started my research . A couple of times , when I was a child Mum had mentioned , almost sheepishly , that her mother and other members of her family practiced voodoo in Jamaica and that it was a powerful weapon to extract revenge for wrongs committed . My Aunt Ruby told me when I met the family in Kingston , that my great aunt Martha narrowly escaped being buried in a pauper 's grave in London thanks to the generosity of the family responding to a request from a Catholic priest for money to bury her . But the most notable information I acquired was how I was conceived . It was obvious as Mum told me her story that the anguish of that event had barely diminished even though it had happened decades ago . When , over the years , Mum refused to talk to me about my father saying " it 's too painful " it never once crossed my mind that she might have been raped and I was the result . I can only imagine what it must have been like for her - an unmarried mother , coloured , no family for support - save for a malevolent alcoholic aunt and alone in a foreign country which just happened to be in the middle of a world war . My father died in New York in December 1949 ; waiting on a railway platform he fell under the wheels of an oncoming train and was killed instantly . By all accounts he was a man with a complex personality , mercurial and prone to depression . He suffered from mood swings , failing eyesight and dizzy spells , the latter caused by a serious horse riding accident a few years before his death . Opinion was divided as to the cause of his death . The medical examiner recorded John Edward 's death as ' probably an accident ' since an autopsy had shown nothing untoward . His family thought it was an accident ; his work colleagues thought he 'd committed suicide as a result of his depression . Hunters Farm : I applied for a job with a Major and Mrs Langford . They have a farm in Pulborough and live in a big Tudor house . I arrived for the interview and rang the door bell . When Mrs Langford opened the door she looked at me in surprise , so , I told her my name was Carmen Browne and I had come for an interview . " But you 're coloured " " Oh … . yes . I 'm sorry " I said . " Well , now you 're here , you 'd better come in " . I told her I was a widow with a young daughter at boarding school and that my husband had been a doctor and been killed when the tube station he was sheltering in had been hit by a bomb . She explained that I would be cooking for the family and small intimate dinner parties , but no fancy food as she and her husband liked good plain cooking . I showed her my references and she read them twice . I wonder why , they 're very good . Mrs Langford isn 't sure that I am the sort of person she wants and is going to discuss the matter with her husband and will let me know in about a week 's time . I won 't get the job . She doesn 't like coloured people . Good news : Mrs Langford wrote to me and said she would give me a three months trial period as she would like to see how things worked out when Marie comes home for the holiday . Thank goodness , I was getting worried . I didn 't want to ask the nuns to keep Marie again for the holidays . The Langfords like her and so do their two children , Emma and Tim . The children aren 't snobs like their mother and they play nicely together and tell each other about their schools . The convent has made quite the little lady out of Marie and listening to her talking with such confidence makes me feel she has more in common with them than me . The children sat spellbound the other day , on the backdoor step of the kitchen , while Marie told them about a new film , " Never Take No for an Answer " , the nuns had taken her class to see . It 's about a little orphan boy called Peppino whose precious donkey , Violetta , falls ill and he wants to take the donkey into the crypt of St Francis , who is the patron saint of animals , in the hope that this will cure Violetta , but everyone he goes to for permission says no he can 't . So Peppino decides to ask the Pope himself and he and Violetta have a long and hard journey to Rome with many obstacles in his way , but in the end the Pope says yes and Violetta goes into the crypt of St Francis . It 's a lovely film and very sad ; I cried when I saw it . Emma came to the kitchen and asked me if Marie could come for a swim in their pool but I told her Marie had to help me shell the peas for lunch . So Emma offered to help and then Marie could finish quickly . Mrs Langford came into the kitchen and saw what Emma was doing and was very angry with me . " My children do not do the servant 's work " she said . I was furious with her . Marie is not a servant . I am . First thing in the morning Emma , Tim and Marie go the dairy and help George , the farm hand , milk the cows . Then after breakfast they all go off riding together and are gone for hours . It 's busy at harvest time and everyone is expected to help so they are all out in the fields until nearly dark , including the children . Marie fits in well with the family and now Mrs Langford doesn 't like to see Marie doing kitchen chores , but they keep me so busy in the kitchen and sometimes I need help and it 's good to remind Marie that she is not one of them . I think she looks down on me sometimes . Last night I dreamt about the day I made my first Holy Communion . There were 200 of us that Sunday morning in the Holy Trinity Cathedral . It was a grand occasion with the choir in the background singing " Mass of the Angels " while the service was in progress . And then we all left the Cathedral to the sound of Mozart 's Grand March . Outside the Cathedral there were group pictures of us all taken with our family and then onto a wonderful breakfast and the Alpha Band playing while we ate . I know why I dreamt about this . Guilt . I was feeling guilty about not being at the convent yesterday when Marie made her first Holy Communion . Mrs Langford said I had to change my day off because she wanted me to cook Beef Wellington for a luncheon party which she decided to give on the spur of the moment . I tried to explain to her how important it was that I went to the convent and how disappointed Marie would be , but her bloody Beef Wellington was more important . She said I could take the day off , but I could have my cards at the end of the week . I need this job , I had to do it . Please don 't be cross with me . Sister Bernadette put my name in the naughty book again . Is that why you didn 't come to see me on Sunday ? I am sorry Mummy . I didn 't mean to be naughty . I 'm trying very hard to be good . Sister Philomena says can you send some money for a new pair of shoes for me . These one squash my toes up and it hurts when I walk . Sister Philomena says they are too small . I went to mass this morning and it was very nice . This evening we have stations of the cross , my favourite . I have made two new friends . One is called Leonie and one is called Anne Truelove . Leonie sucks her arm a lot . The Concert at the Convent : What a lovely evening . Marie was so excited when she saw me and I was happy I 'd come to the convent , although I was very nervous . I 'd been hoping to buy a new outfit , but I couldn 't afford it . Mrs Langford said I looked very smart so that was nice . I worry that Marie will be ashamed of me because I don 't dress as well as the other parents and I 've put on a little bit of weight , well , quite a lot really . Sometimes , you know , I find it convenient to let people think I 'm Marie 's nanny . A few weeks ago Sister Bernadette wrote to me and asked me to buy Marie a ballet dress as she had been chosen , along with nine other girls , to be swans in the chorus line of the ballet Swan Lake . Once the orchestra started playing , out came the dancing white swans onto the stage , and my heart sank when I saw Marie . She danced on to the stage , the only blue swan amongst a line of white ones . It didn 't occur to me when I bought her ballet dress that it should be white . I saw the blue one and thought blue is her favourite colour , so I bought it . There was a gasp from the audience when she appeared on the stage but she carried on dancing beautifully . At the end of the performance each swan had to come to the front of the stage and curtsy to the audience and when it came to Marie 's turn , the audience gave her a lovely round of applause . Wasn 't that kind of them ? I was so proud , I cried . I bumped into Mrs Langford when I came out of the betting shop in Horsham . Damn nuisance . I pretended I 'd gone into the wrong shop but I don 't think she believed me . I don 't gamble a lot just a little bit now and again . Just to help me with the school fees . I wish I 'd paid more attention to Boysie when he took me to Kingston races . He always won . He said he knew how to study form . I don 't even know what that means . I just stick a pin in the newspaper or else if I like the name of the horse , I 'll back it . The first two times I bet I won and it seemed easy . My luck 's not good at the moment . What can I do ? I have asked Mrs Langford if she could let me have an advance on my wages so I can send the convent some money . She said she would think about it . Later that day she came to me and said how fond the family was of Marie and she had a suggestion to make . " You are obviously finding it difficult to bring up Marie . What if I give you a cheque for £ 250 and we take Marie off your hands . " I couldn 't believe what she was saying . " No , I can 't do that " " Well , Carmen " she said " you should give the matter some thought . " Marie is a lovely child and even if you didn 't want to leave her with us , you should consider having her adopted . It is obvious you cannot support her . " Marie is home for the Christmas holidays . She is unhappy at the convent and wants to leave . She says there is a nun who is very cruel , Sister Claire , and she is the one who keeps punishing Marie . I understand now why Mammie didn 't say anything to Sydney when he whipped us . I think it is wrong that the nuns smack a child , but I cannot say anything because I owe them money . I have to find the fees before she returns in January . Christmas Eve : Marie asked me if she should put a big pillow case or a little pillow case at the end of her bed for Father Christmas to leave her presents . I snapped at her and told her he 's not coming this year . Oh God , the expression on her face . I heard her get up in the middle of the night and look to see if there were any presents . She said nothing about it the next day . I feel terrible . I have no money for presents . Good Friday : There is a big crisis going on . Mr Langford has lost the keys to his study . He cannot open his safe without them so everyone has to search the house until they are found . Mrs Langford asked me if I had seen them and , of course , I haven 't . I don 't go near his study . She has accused me of taking them and called in the police and asked them to search my room . She has told them that little knick knacks have gone missing for some time and suspected it was me . A plain clothes policeman searched my room , opening the drawers , taking out our clothes and throwing them on the bed , going through my wardrobe , the contents of my handbag strewn over my bed . Marie was watching and crying . They broke my little statue of the Virgin Mary on the table by the bed . My bible was on the floor . They found nothing . But they still took our fingerprints , mine and my little girl 's . Shortly after the police left , Tim Langford found the keys in his father 's car ; they had dropped down the side of the driving seat . Later that same day I packed our suitcase and Marie and I left the Langfords , but , not before Mrs Langford had insisted on emptying my suitcase to check that I had not stolen anything from the house . I had very little money and I suppose I should have stayed because I was not keeping Marie safe , but my pride wouldn 't let me . Baywood Farm 's front drive is about half the size of a football pitch and I knew that , as Marie and I walked unsteadily on the loose gravel into the country lane , the Langfords were watching us . Marie using both hands to carry her suitcase and me struggling to carry the heavier suitcase and trying to make as dignified an exit as possible . I got a coach to London and went to the Refuge in Fulham to see Geraldine Franks and explained my position . I thought she would help me . She was very sympathetic , but , in the end she said she had no choice but to inform the authorities that Marie and I were homeless . I knew what that meant and left . We went to Victoria Coach Station and got on a coach to < - - Martha 's Revenge Dear Diary The Convent : Marie is in boarding school now at Our Lady 's Convent in Dartford and is very nice and lots of posh people 's children go there . Matron thought I was her nanny when we arrived and didn 't hide her surprise when I said I was Marie 's mother . While we talked Marie was crying because she didn 't want to leave me . I gave her a white lace handkerchief to wipe her tears and she was wiping her little face with it saying " Don 't go Mummy , please don 't go " . It upset me . " Never mind , when you are gone and she sees the other children she 'll be alright " Matron said . In bed that night I cried my eyes out because I didn 't have Marie with me . . I know this will be good for her because she will be taught how to become a lady and to speak nicely . The sisters say she will settle down and make new friends and not to worry about her . Poor Madeline is missing Marie a lot . Mrs Hammell is worried because Madeline is not as strong as other children she might get hurt at school , so she prefers to employ a private tutor for her at home . I think Madeline would be fine at school . Mrs H is over protective of her . Madeline and I are getting very excited because Marie is coming home for the holidays . Then Mrs Hammell said it wasn 't really convenient for Marie to come home during half term and would I mind asking the nuns if she could stay in the convent instead . So Marie stayed in the convent again and I haven 't seen her for such a long time . Will have to give both girls lots of special treats . At last Marie is home for the holidays but there is a change in Mrs H 's attitude to me . She is off - hand with me . " Have I done something wrong ? " She said she was unhappy with my work and thinks I am more interested in Marie than in looking after Madeline . That 's unfair , and it 's not true , and I told her I go out of my way to pay Madeline more attention than Marie . I took the girls to the Zoo and when we got back home , Madeline came up and hugged me and gave me a kiss to say thank you . I think Mrs H is jealous because Madeline is very fond of Marie and me . . Mrs H and I have had a little talk . " I apologise if I was wrong " she said . " But , really , Carmen , no mother can look after another person 's child and neglect her own " . * * * * * * Dear Diary Back to the kitchen : Now Marie is in boarding school I have a better choice of jobs . I 'm working for Googie Withers , the film actress , and her husband , John McCallum , as an assistant housekeeper in their London home . I keep their house clean and on their cook 's day off , I do the cooking . I really like it . They are both very sweet and kind to me . They have all sorts of interesting people to dinner , other actors and writers , and they 're not demanding . Mr McCallum is so handsome he makes me swoon . He 's like the hero in some of Ruby 's stories . The only problem is Marie can 't come home for the holidays . I didn 't tell them about her because otherwise I wouldn 't have got the job . I know Sister Bernadette is getting cross with me because she thinks I am neglecting Marie . I promised Marie I would go to the sports day . She was running in the egg and spoon race but I had to miss it . I feel simply dreadful and I miss her terribly . She wrote me a letter and said she was very upset and crying . " All the other Mummies came to sports day but not my Mummy " . It 's no good , even though I like this job a lot , I will have to find another one before Christmas so I can have Marie in the holidays . Falling behind on my savings . Dear Diary I had a letter from my friend Moores today . I wrote to her to ask her to lend me some money because I have to pay Marie 's school fees . I hated doing it . She 's so kind Moores , she always was to me - and she sent me more money than I asked for . She said she was still in touch with Ethel who was married and has two children . But Moores isn 't married . She said she hadn 't found the right bloke . Moores still kept in touch with some of the other nursing students we worked with and she 'd heard that John Edward , Marie 's father , had died in December 1949 . He 'd married an American girl and moved to New York and was working as a doctor in one of the hospitals there . He was standing on the subway platform and just fell forward onto the railway lines and was hit by an incoming train and killed outright . Witnesses said he just toppled forward . Moores said there was a mystery surrounding his death . An autopsy had revealed nothing unusual and so the medical examiner concluded that he probably had an accidental fall . But some of his colleagues were sure he 'd committed suicide . Apparently he suffered from depression quite a lot . Moores asked me if I had worked Obeah on him for what he did to me . Honestly , how could Moores think I 'd do that ! Of course , I didn 't , but if any of my family knew what he had done to me , they would certainly have worked obeah on him . It 's rather a nice picture of him . Poor Sydney he feels he has let me down not bringing Olga home . He says she looked smart , but tired and her demeanour had changed . Her sparkle had gone and he thinks there is something wrong , but she 's not saying what it is . When he asked Martha if she knew , she said she hadn 't seen Olga for months . If something has happened to her in England and she feels she cannot talk to me about it , then I have not done a good job as a mother . I 've let her down , otherwise she would be here knowing there is nothing she could ever do or say that could make me love her less . But at least I know she 's alive . Last night the tots and I went to the Holy Trinity Church and together with Father Butler we prayed to St Anthony to bring Olga safely home . When Sydney visited Martha he said the first thing she asked him for was money , but he refused to give her any . That surprised me . He says she 's always asking for money and thinks he has an endless supply and , then , almost as an afterthought he added , " I don 't think she was very nice to Olga " . I wonder if Martha has something to do with Olga not coming home " . In fact , he says he doesn 't want any of the girls to stay with Martha in future because it is not a very nice area now . I doubt that any of the girls will want to go to London ; it must be quite dangerous living there with unexploded bombs and much of it looking like a vast building site . How is Olga managing with the winter cold , I wonder ? I remember how the harsh the weather could be and how the temperature could drop to freezing . And what if it snows and there are blizzards , can she keep warm ? Britain is still recovering from the war and we know they are still short of certain foods and fuel . It 's strange , but I don 't think I could bear to be cold now after living here for so long . Dear Diary Mrs Hammell : Went back to Massey 's Agency to look for a job looking after children . I don 't want to cook any more . I had an interview with a Mrs Gloria Hammell , a widow , and explained that I was a widow too and that my husband , who had been an air force pilot during the war , had been shot down by the Germans over France . She was very sympathetic . Mrs Hammell has a daughter called Madeline and she wants a live - in mother 's help for her daughter because she has very weak legs and they needed to be rubbed daily with olive oil . I told her about Marie and explained that , although she wasn 't at school yet , she would be starting soon . Mrs Hammell said if she offered me the job she was happy for Marie to come with me as she thought it would be very nice for Madeline to have a companion to play with . I showed her my reference from Mrs Hurt but she said she would telephone Mrs Hurt and speak with her personally and would let me know about the position when she had made a decision . Mrs Hammell has a lovely 3 - bedroomed flat in Cheyne Walk , Chelsea and Marie and I have a nice room with a big double bed . It 's a good job because all I do is look after Madeline and Marie being there makes it easy because they play together nicely . Madeline is a kind little girl and doesn 't mind sharing her toys with Marie . I take the girls to Hyde Park quite a bit and when it 's hot they paddle in the Serpentine or sometimes we will have a picnic . When I first arrived Madeline was very pale and thin , but she is blossoming because we are outdoors so much . She has more colour in her cheeks and her legs are getting stronger . Mrs Hammell is very pleased . As a special treat I sometimes take them to the London Zoo . There are hummingbirds there and the sight of them makes me homesick . The girls get very excited when it comes to feeding time and they like to throw nuts at the monkeys . Sometimes we go to Regents Park but I avoid the bench I used to sit on , the one I was sitting on when I met Joanne . I try not to think too much about my previous life . It 's over , gone , I have a different life now . One day when I was rubbing Madeline 's legs I told Mrs H how in Jamaica we rub white rum on our joints to ease the pain and would she like me to do the same for Madeline . " Are you mad , Carmen ? What do you think people will say if my four year old daughter goes around smelling of rum " . I hadn 't thought of that . I mentioned to Mrs H I was thinking of sending Marie to a private boarding school and could she recommend one . " When you told me Marie would be starting school , I didn 't realise you meant a private one . " She was surprised by my enquiry and I 'm not sure if she believed me . So I told her my late husband left me some money for Marie 's education . But the truth is I 've saved enough for the first two terms , and hopefully I can save more from my wages . I don 't spend much here . Mrs H recommended a Catholic convent in Dartford , Kent which would be easy for me to get to from London . The way I see it what happened to me was not Marie 's fault and her education is important and she is entitled to have the best I can give her . That 's what Mammie did for us and even though Sydney helped out , Mammie took in lots of lodgers when we were young just so we could all go to Alpha Academy which was the best Catholic school in Kingston . And Marie is definitely not going to end up like me , working as a servant . So cold : This is what it must be like at the North Pole . It snows all the time and the temperature is freezing . Last night is was - 9 ° C and it said on the wireless that the sea froze at Margate . The Prime Minister says everyone must save fuel . Things must be bad because people are being sent home from work and told to go to bed to keep warm . The army is being used to clear roads blocked by snow and drop food from helicopters to farms and little villages in the countryside and some old people are dying because they cannot keep warm . Isn 't that terrible ? It was from Sydney saying he was coming to England on a business trip and would be staying at the Reynolds Hotel in London during the last week of March . He said he wanted to see me and isn 't leaving England until he has done . So I went to meet him on my day off yesterday . Sydney has lost weight and some hair , but , otherwise he 'd barely changed , but he said I had . I had bought a new outfit for the occasion because I wanted to look the best I could . I was wearing a new blue dress I 'd recently bought and a little hat to match and a grey coat belted at the waist . I thought I looked very nice . Sydney said I did . It was so good to hear about Mammie and the family . He told me Mammie was well , but worried about me and gave me all the news about the family . Cissie and Dyke had another two children ; Dolly had married her Syrian and I felt sad I hadn 't be at her wedding ; there were no changes in Pearl 's life ; Ruby had a boyfriend called Jack , whom Sydney and Mammie approved of . Ruby and Jack were very serious about each other and Sydney said he thought there might be another marriage in the family . How nice . Birdie was working at the Ward Theatre and it seemed as if she might go to America and stay with Vivie for a while . Vivie had got her divorce and married Freddie . I wondered how Mammie felt about that , I bet she was upset . Chickie and Maurice were well but poor Chickie still hadn 't heard a word from Victor Condell and Gwennie was still living with that terrible man , Keith Rousseau . And Boysie and Minah had another baby , a little girl . Once we 'd been through the family I waited for the questions to come my way . " Mammie is desperately worried about you Olga . We know you 're not at the hospital any more , what happened ? " I couldn 't tell Sydney about Marie , not because I was frightened of him , I wasn 't any more , but because I was so ashamed of what happened to me and I hadn 't the courage to face my family . I told him I 'd failed my first year 's exam and that 's why I left the hospital and because of the war I couldn 't go home . So I had to find some work and because I had some experience nursing I found a job as a children 's nursery nurse . I told him I had lots of friends and I was very happy with the job because it was well paid and I would never to be able to earn so much in Jamaica . I wanted to stay on here in London a bit longer . " Well , that 's fine because I 'm going to be here for at least another four months doing business around the country , so , when I 've finished , we can go home together " . Sydney had it all worked out . " This time " , he said , " I 'm keeping my promise to Mammie " . I gave him a false address and he gave me the date he would be back at the Reynolds Hotel . I told him I would ring him at the hotel when he returned there . It wasn 't that I don 't want to go home , of course I do . I want to be with my family and I want Mammie to see her beautiful little granddaughter , but I fear seeing Mammie 's disappointment in me , that would be too much to bear . I know they will ask questions which I don 't want to answer . The memory is too painful . Then Sydney asked about Joanne and if she was well . When I told him she 'd died , I swear there were tears in his eyes . He put his arm round me , but I had to shake it off and he looked hurt . I couldn 't help it , these days if anyone is kind to me , I cry . Sydney wanted to know why I hadn 't kept in touch with Aunt Martha . I told him I didn 't like her because she blasphemed a lot , was a drunk , a liar and a hypocrite . I must have said it with such venom , because Sydney looked so shocked . I told him how when I was staying with her , Mr Kitchen stayed overnight with Aunt Martha and that they were living together as man and wife . I told him she said mean things to me . " She makes a great pretence of being a Christian person when she 's in Jamaica going to Church but she doesn 't go near a Church here and then there 's Mr Kitchen " " What about Mr Kitchen " Sydney asked . And before I could stop myself I 'd blurted out Aunt Martha 's big secret . The Hunt Ball : The Hurts have a stud farm in Ireland and , now the war is over , they have decided to close Hendon Hall and move back to Ireland . Mrs Hurt said she would have liked me to come with them , but there are staff there already . I don 't mind really . But before they move to Ireland they want to hold a Hunt Ball , like they used to do before the war . Fortnum and Mason 's in Piccadilly are doing the catering for the Hunt Ball and Mrs Hurt has put me in charge of collecting the programmes which means I have to stand by the drawing room door and as the gentlemen came in they hand me their programmes . I had a peek at one and it 's just a list of all the dances with room to write down the name of the lady who the gentleman is going to have a particular dance with . Mrs Hurt 's daughter - in - law , Judith dressed me for the Ball in a long white dress with a wide gold sash around my waist and a gold and white turban on my head . When I saw myself in the mirror I thought I looked like Annie Harvey , the Obeah woman in Kingston , but Mrs Hurt and Mrs Attwood said I looked lovely . When the first huntsman arrived he gave me his programme . " I think you are in the wrong place " " This is the Hunt Ball isn 't it ? " " Yes , but you 're supposed to be in an evening suit " . " My dear girl , the huntsmen come to the Hunt Ball in their hunting jacket " he said . No one had told me that the huntsmen come in their red coats . Captain and Mrs Hurt were coming down the spiral staircase and she looked lovely in a lilac evening dress . " What 's the matter Carmen " . " I was just telling this gentleman that he was in the wrong place " . Mrs Hurt was very apologetic to the gentleman and said she should have explained to me that the huntsmen come in their uniform . I felt very foolish , but the gentleman and Mrs Hurt were very nice about it . Our last day : This morning Captain Hurt gave Marie a present beautifully wrapped and tied with a pink ribbon . The present was so big I had to help her open it and out came a whopping big doll . She was the most beautiful doll I 've ever seen and she was as big as Marie . Marie was speechless , but beaming . " Susie " , she finally said , hugging the doll tight . It was a wonderful present from the Hurts and made my little girl very happy . Mrs Hurt had no idea I had already seen Sydney , nor did she know I had an Aunt in London . I had never discussed anything about my family with the Hurts . " I don 't think you realise how hard life could become for you both . There are many people , including the authorities , who consider an unmarried mother unfit to bring up a child and may even try and take her from you " . I was deeply touched by her concern for us and wanted to hug her , like I would Mammie , but I was a servant and that wouldn 't have been acceptable , so I just said " I will think about it " . I hope Mrs Hurt is wrong . I think my guardian angel has returned to watch over me and Marie . We have been lucky so far ; we have met nice people like the Sister Pateman and Sister Warner at the nursery , the Hurts , even Matron and Miss Franks have been very , very , kind . < - Life as a Servant News from Home : I received a letter with a Christmas card in it today . It was such a surprise when Mrs Hurt handed it to me . It had been on a long journey . Matron , at St Giles , had forwarded it to the Refuge . Miss Franks had forwarded it on to Sister Pateman , who thank goodness , had put it in a fresh envelope , with a little note to me saying she hoped Marie and I were well and please keep in touch with them . At first I was so excited when I opened the envelope and saw the letter was from Ruby and when I saw the censor and his black pen had been at work again . I cried , there was so little left for me to read . Thank goodness the censor had left the Christmas card alone . Every year Sydney sends his customers a Christmas card , but not usually one covered with snow . It seems an odd choice really because it never snows in Jamaica , but , anyway , I 'm going to keep it . Sydney has three shops now , business must be good . Everyone is well and sends their love . Darling Mammie told Sydney to tell me that she that she thinks of me all the time . Dolly is getting married to a Syrian gentleman , but the family are not happy about it . They 're all worried about me because I haven 't written to them for ages but what can I tell them , not the truth . My life has changed so much . I 'm not ashamed of having a little girl , but I wish the circumstances were different . I don 't want them to know about my life now . I couldn 't bear Mammie to see some of the work I have to do , cleaning out the dirty fireplaces every morning in the winter and cleaning silver . Captain and Mrs Hurt are kind to me and especially Marie , I like them , but I know my place , after all I 'm their servant . Mrs Hurt has an Irish housemaid , named Kathleen Ryan . She doesn 't like me and I don 't like her one little bit . I 'd been putting away some linen in the cupboard on the first floor landing and I was in a hurry so I came down the front stairs . Servants are supposed to use the back stairs and Kathleen saw me and told me off . I told her Mrs Hurt didn 't mind me using the front stairs now and again and she called me an " uppity nigger with airs and graces " . I was shocked I can tell you . " I 'm not a nigger , I 'm not black " . I told her straight . Judith heard what Kathleen had said and told her mother - in - law . Mrs Hurt was furious . Kathleen said she 'd never worked with niggers before . Mrs Hurt told Kathleen that if she wanted to continue to work for her , she was never to say that word again and if Kathleen didn 't want to work with me , " you can leave now " . Kathleen was crying and I was unhappy too . Mrs Attwood was very kind to me and made me a cup of tea and said " best thing that could happen would be for her to leave - good riddance to bad rubbish . I 've never liked the Irish " . Mrs Attwood and I got on well together right from the beginning , but I was surprised that Mrs Hurt stood up for me . " She likes you Carmen , she thinks you have courage and so do I " . Wasn 't that a nice thing to say ? Peace at last : The war in Europe had ended , finally . I was in the kitchen when the news came over the radio . Mr Churchill has ordered the next two days to be a national holiday . The village organised a big party and everyone was invited and Union Jack flags were hanging out of nearly every window and on every tree . Everyone from Hendon Hall went , all the staff and the Hurts and we all had a wonderful time . It was so nice to see everyone so happy , particularly Captain and Mrs Hurt , because their sons would be coming home . < - Colonel & Mrs Hurt Sydney comes to London - > Sister Warner sent me to Massey 's Employment Agency in Baker Street , London , to apply for a live - in cook / housekeeper position so that I can have Marie with me . The reception room was very big with four cubicles down one side of the room . Two of the cubicles had a curtain drawn across them for privacy and in the other two there was a small table and two chairs . There were three well dressed women waiting and behind a big desk was a middle aged woman with glasses that sat on the end of her nose . Her grey hair was plaited into two pigtails , each one pinned either side of her head . She looked very stern , but , when I went up to her she smiled at me . I told her my name and that I wanted a job as a cook , although I couldn 't cook , but was willing learn . She told me to go and wait in one of the cubicles and draw the curtain . I sat there for a few minutes on my own and then a tall , slender , elegant lady came into the cubicle and sat down opposite me . She said her name was Mrs Hurt and she had a big house in Billericay in Essex . She had two sons Michael and Edward , who were away in the Navy and she needed someone to help keep her house orderly and cook for her , her husband , who was retired , and her daughter - in - law . She said she has a cook at the moment , Mrs Attwood , who has worked for Mrs Hurt over 30 years , but she is old now and wants to retire . Mrs Hurt asked me to tell her something about myself . I told her my name , but said everyone calls me Carmen . I don 't know why I said that really , because it 's not true . I 've never liked the name Olga and Carmen sounds so much prettier . I told her I had a baby daughter and I wanted a job where she could come with me . I said I hadn 't a husband and , I waited for her to ask questions why , but she didn 't . So I continued explaining that I wanted a job in a private house as a cook , although I couldn 't cook , but I was willing to learn . I thought it seemed a lot to ask . " I would love to " . Hendon House : A week later she picked me up from the nursery in her car and drove me and Marie down to Hendon House , her home in Billericay . It was a great big house and in the hall is a grandfather clock that chimes on the hour , every hour , and always makes me jump when I hear it . There is a wide spiral mahogany staircase with pictures hanging on dark rich wood panelling , Rembrandt and Reynolds type paintings of the Hurts ' ancestors , their eyes following you as you climb the stairs . Marie and I have the west wing all to ourselves , which sounds very grand I know , but really it is just a bedroom and our very own sitting room and bathroom . How wonderful ! My very own bathroom . Mrs Attwood and her husband have their own little cottage in the village . Of course , I knew with the war going on it was hard for people like Mrs Hurt to find staff because women were being called up to work for the war effort but even so , I couldn 't believe how lucky I was to be offered this job and was determined to do my best . As soon as I had unpacked , I 'd handed our rations books to Mrs Hurt . There was no shortage of fresh vegetables there because they grew their own and had done for years . They also had orchards with apple , pear and plum trees and they kept chickens . On my first day Mrs Attwood showed me where the vegetable garden was and asked me to pull up some lettuces and then wash them . I returned flushed with success with two beautiful lettuces and went to the scullery to wash them thoroughly under running water . When I took them in to the kitchen Mrs Hurt was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and when Mrs Attwood saw the lettuce . She and Mrs Hurt thought it was hilarious and the pair of them couldn 't stop laughing . Every morning I have to make up a breakfast tray for Captain and Mrs Hurt and take it to their room . They are an elderly couple and are usually still in bed when I knock on the door . The pair of them look so sweet sitting up side by side in their bed . They talk to each other with great affection ; honestly they are lovely . I call them Derby and Joan to Mrs Attwood but not in front to their faces . Later on I have to tidy their bedroom and then tidy and dust the drawing room . Although the drawing room is big , it has a homely feel to it . There is a grand fireplace with a mantelpiece above and it has a beautiful marble clock on it . The sofas and armchairs are big and comfortable and the occasional tables on either side each have a bronze table lamp , as well as lots of photographs of the children . There 's a rosewood sideboard with a pair of matching vases and Mrs Attwood told me they are very rare and worth a lot of money . I wish she hadn 't told me that because now I dread dusting them in case I break them . On the walls are even more pictures of the Hurts ' ancestors . There 's a glass cabinet which has their porcelain tea service displayed in it . In the corner is a wind up gramophone and a big pile of records . It reminds me of the Nurses Home in St Giles because we had one in the sitting room . I try not to think about St Giles ; I get upset if I do . Miss Judith , is married to Michael , Captain and Mrs Hurt 's youngest son , and has two lovely boys , Patrick , who was nine and Nicholas , who was 10 . They are at boarding school in Windsor but home now for the school holidays . Patrick has taken a fancy to Marie and wherever he goes he takes her with him . Captain Hurt is very fond of Marie too . He came into the kitchen this morning and said " She 'll only bother you here , why don 't you let her help me pick some apples " . They have an apple orchard and grow coxes apples and they were the sweetest apples I 've ever tasted . When I went to fetch Marie the other day , she was wearing Captain Hurt 's hat and they were both walking together with their heads bowed and hands behind their backs . Oh God she looked so cute . < - Life in a Wartime Nursery : Wimbledon Life as a Servant - > Why I Wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " In 1994 , my mother , Carmen Browne , was admitted to the Royal Sussex County Hospital , Brighton in the UK seriously ill . As she slowly recovered I realized that had she died so too would the chance of my finding out about her past , her family in Jamaica and , of particular importance to me , who my father was information she had consistently refused to share with me . So I decided to find out for myself . My first discovery was that my mother 's real name was Olga Browney , born and raised in Kingston , Jamaica and one of eleven children from a close - knit , coloured Catholic family . A kind , naïve and gentle girl , my mother arrived in London in 1939 and lived with a malevolent , alcoholic aunt , intending to stay for only six months . However , world events , personal tragedy and malicious intent all combined to prevent her from returning home to Kingston . " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " is based on a true story about cruelty , revenge and jealousy inflicted on an innocent young woman and about moral courage , dignity , resilience and , in particular , love . It is the story of a remarkable woman , who because of circumstances , made a choice , which resulted in her losing contact with her beloved family in Jamaica , until nearly half a century later , when her past caught up her . What I discovered about my mother filled me with such admiration for her that I wanted her story recorded for future generations of my family to read so that they would know about this remarkable woman whose greatest gift to me was her unconditional love . That 's why I wrote " Olga - A Daughter 's Tale " . Subscribe to Olga 's Daughter by Email |
Mom has been saying my dad and I should talk . I say , About what ? Well , we 've talked now . My dad talked , anyway . Yelled . Maybe I yelled too , I don 't know . We always seem to get to yelling . More than talking about stuff . My dad told me how he sees things . That 's kind of how it works . He has an important perspective on things . Because he runs the biggest business in town . It must mean his opinions are smarter than everyone else 's . He gets to explain how things are . I get to listen . We 've been doing this since high school . Only we get to the yelling faster since Ben 's been gone . The other casualty was one of my father 's favorite drinking glasses . Monogrammed with his initials . I don 't know why people would want to put their initials on a drinking glass . Is that how you make sure everybody knows you 're here ? " Hey buddy , that single - malt scotch you 're enjoying , that 's out of my fucking glass . " Or , " Look how much I matter in the world ! There are glasses here with my initials on them . Thomas James Tillary . " I had a couple of friends growing up and in their kitchens they only had plastic drinking cups . I guess you can 't get those monogrammed . Anyway , he broke a jelly glass . That 's what he called it . I don 't know why they call them that . It 's not like there 's some kind of drink you have in them with jelly in it . Maybe there 's something in the experience of enjoying whiskey from a glass with your own initials on it that is like jelly . I don 't know . What I know is that it 's apparently my fault that it 's broken , even though it was his arm that raised it high and then threw it at the kitchen floor as hard as he could . Because I wasn 't listening to his important views on things . So apparently the problem is that I 've had the easiest life anyone has had and I have done nothing with it . My dad has given me everything he has and I 've made nothing of it . Plus I 've made him break some glasses . I 've been given everything my whole life and I 've just wasted it . What 's the sign that I 'm such a failure ? That I 'm not in big city Chicago , wearing a coat and tie and flying around as a fancy consultant . That I live in the little dead - end town where , by the way , he lives and thinks he 's the most important guy . So I guess somehow those three years of college that were paid for by an athletic scholarship , that was his doing . All those long afternoons that Chris and Cross and Timms and I ran drills and sat and shot free - throws and threes over and over and over , that was all his hard work that I 've wasted . He knew so much about it he used to tell me it was all about " spirit , " and " determination " and " character . " No , dude , you don 't have a clue . It was about coming out here day after day , month after month , and just working at it , the same things , over and over , when nobody was watching and nobody who supposedly had sense thought there was any point . " It 's never going to matter . Jericho has never had a good team . The bigger schools always win . " And then you didn 't have to sit there for three years on the bench , watching your teammates blow plays you might have helped them make if the coach hadn 't had some second thoughts about recruiting and playing you . You think you know stuff but you don 't know a thing about humiliation , what it 's like to sit there and seem like a failure , just because doing that is paying the bill for your education . And now you 're mad because after that I decide to come back this town where you 've been lording it over everybody for fifteen years ? Because it 's the one corner of the world that matters to me - the people , the country ? Do you think you 've established some track record that lets you judge ? I 'm sick of his fucking lectures , and his yelling . He 's always been a little like that , but it 's gotten worse now . I feel like saying , I know you miss Ben . We all miss Ben . Go yell at the fucking wall . Go out to the northwest quarter , to the shelterbelt out there , and yell at the trees . The wind will blow away all the noise and no one will have to remember the shitty , small things you say and all the bluster when you got so wound up you threw your drink at the floor . And then got so wound up about that , like a drinking glass with your initials on it is such a goddamned important thing . With everything else that 's going on around here . Posted on April 29 , 2013 by WM Rine Reply When did the birds come ? Did they all arrive unseen , in the dark of night ? You can hear them in the cottonwoods early in the morning , well before first light . Robins . Bohemian waxwings , gray - white birds with orange caps , trilling in the trees . Brown thrashers calling their kiss - kiss and chattery song from one branch to the other in the willow . There 's light in the morning now when Finn heads out to the shed for his bike . Yesterday he saw green buds on the willow tree . It is always first . There was warm hopeful glow in the east over town as he pedaled the gravelly ruts on the road in to work . The spring has stayed dry , the season askew . April is usually the month when the thaw in the soil and the dark fall from the clouds turns from snow and ice to cold rain . Windblown but wet . It unsticks the black earth beneath the hard grasses , bent in the breeze . The air heavy with the smell of the rich black soil . It 's dry this year . A cold breeze out of Sasketchawan blows dust before it , heavy soil lifted from somewhere . It drifts across the state highway in brown swirls . Along the county road a sudden gust twirls up a slow brown funnel of dust , waving over the road like a dusty ghost , billowing and then dispersing . In the cafe the farmers talk of planting . It 's early for it . " I know if I plant now , a late snow will blow in and burn off the shoots . Or freeze the roots . It happened so many times when I was a kid , whenever I got too anxious . Or greedy . " Others nod . The first one gets up , pours another cup of coffee from the pot on the burner that sits up by the cash register . He goes back to the booth where he had been sitting , flips back to the page with the comics and the crossword puzzle and thinks about doing it again . He never does crossword puzzles . He looks out the window . A gust of wind heaves up the street , carrying a stray shard of cardboard from a large box . It 's late morning and there are no cars out now . The box heaves up on gusts and falls again , up and down , up and down , like the slow step down the street of an unseen giant , heading south and out of town . Back in the store room Finn takes down a shiny round tin of flour from the metal shelf . The back window is slid open . A bush obscures the glass but he hears the wind gust through it . And from a tree opposite in the alley , a kiss - kiss call again of a brown thrasher . And an answer from the crown of the building opposite : kiss - kiss - kiss . There was this guy we met , an expatriate . I didn 't really know what that meant . I think I had heard the word before . I had imagined guys who went overseas to fight wars and then stayed behind . I must have gotten this from a book about Viet Nam . Maybe a story I read somewhere along the way . Guys getting time off from the fight and going to a resort somewhere , maybe Bali or an island like that , and just sitting on the beach . And maybe it was the most fun they ever had , so after the war they went back . Just to stay in that easy life , because where else is life going to be like that ? Not back home , where once you go back you 'll have to sign up for a shitty job in a factory , something like that , or you have to go study something at college you don 't care about . I imagined an expatriate being a guy who spent all his afternoons sitting in bars . Sitting in a sunny bar with buzz on , drinking just enough to keep it going , and talking to all the pretty women who might wander in there . Who might be interested in the foreigner who 's rich enough to spend his afternoons sitting in the sun , drinking beer and rum . This guy - his name was Greg - was not like that , not sitting in the sun drinking all afternoon . For one thing , we were in Sweden and it was hardly tropical , although it was a lot more warm and sunny than I would have thought . And the day lasted so long that even when it was evening and he was out of work , it was still sunny out . But he was sort of like that . He told us he liked to sit outside in one of the places down by the water . He had a place he went to regularly - he took us there . It was down right on the water . There was a sort of promenade along the water where people walked along . Boats were tied up there , and a most of the places facing it were restaurants or cafes . He always went to the same place , " the best place , " he said . The tables were crowded with people , people who looked like they worked in the offices down there , or maybe they took the tunnelbana , the metro down there from another place . Came down to the water to sit and watch the sun slowly sink toward the northwest . He liked to get a table near the front , where he could see people walking by and watch the harbor . We had to stand and wait awhile and when some people stood up he pounced on the table , fended off a few other people who swarmed over too . He spoke at them sharply in Swedish . It 's a funny language , but he seemed to be able to speak it well . We sat there for hours , until the late day turned orange pink and into blue twilight that stayed in the sky a long time and we watched the lights on the harbor . So Greg was not like what I had thought an expatriate was , but he was sort of . He told us he had come over four years before , from a big bank in New York . He was supposed to be there two years , but he liked it so much he kept figuring out ways to stay longer . I said , " So you 're an expatriate . " He said , " Nobody says ' expatriate . ' It 's ' expat . ' " He said , " There are a bunch of us here . You end up meeting each other . " I asked him how , in a big city like that , spread out around the water , you would end up meeting the few other people there who weren 't from there . Would you see each other on the street and just know ? Just see each other and say , That couldn 't be a Swede , and walk over and talk ? Because I 've seen people who look like this back in North Dakota , people whose great - grandparents or something came from Sweden and Norway a long time ago . I could imagine some of these people back at home , even though I 'm sure they would probably hate it there . He said , No , it wasn 't that . You ended up living in a part of town where a lot of the homes were for rent to foreigners . He said if he had had children they would have ended up at the same school , a school for expats . And a lot of neighbors wouldn 't bother spending much time getting to know the expats , " since they figure they 'll be gone in a little while . So you just end up meeting each other . " But some of his friends said you could tell an American when you saw one on a street . One of Greg 's friends , a Swedish guy who worked at a government office , he said , " You have this way of walking . Loose . " He stood up at the table and tried to mimic it , walking in place and kind of swinging his arms arms around . Kate said , " That 's not a person , that 's a gorilla . " Everyone laughed . Kate was being her charming self . People , even if they 've just met her , fall in love her . Like this guy Greg . Somebody else said you could tell by the clothes , they were looser . There were six or seven of us crammed around this tiny round metal table , covered with beer glasses , and they were all trying to think of how they could recognize an American , but they all insisted they could . Even Greg must have been able to do it , because we were standing in a crowded street , a street just for people , no cars , and they all seemed to be leaving work , all headed somewhere . We were trying to find an internet cafe so I could check my email . We had just gotten to town that morning and we had left our stuff at the hostel and were trying to see a little of the city but I was having trouble paying attention to anything . I just wanted to check my email . I didn 't think I 'd be able to think until I had . Kate was getting annoyed . Ever since Prague , when I had first heard that Laura was missing , I had gotten kind of obsessed with checking my email . I wanted to know what was going on , some news , and I was halfway across the world from New York , where she had been , or North Dakota . I think Kate was starting to get annoyed that it was getting in the way of our trip . And that it was so important for me to know where Laura was . So we were standing there in this beautiful old street , with people pushing past us , talking in this funny language , Swedish , and Kate and I were trying not to have a fight , at least out there in public , when this guy , Greg , walked up and said , " Hi ! Can I help you find something ? " Kate looked relieved to hear good clear English , American English , not the British sounding variety that most Europeans we had met usually spoke . In Stockholm , most people we had met switched into English when they heard us talk but sometimes it was hard to tell it was English they were speaking , with the vowels all mangled up and the accent all sideways . But this guy spoke like he 'd grown up in the US , which he had . I told him we were looking for an internet cafe so I could check my email . Did he know where one was ? He said he did , he 'd be happy to take us there . He was talking to me , but he was smiling at Kate the whole time . He said , " Sure , I can take you there . First , though , can I buy you a drink ? I was just going to stop and have a drink . Come , come . " He grabbed Kate 's elbow and turned her around toward the water and motioned for me to follow . We ended up sitting in that place by the water for hours . Never made it to the internet cafe . He kept buying us more beers and we just sort of floated through the rest of the evening . People he knew came and went , there were always three or four packed around the little table with us . They were all beautiful , the guys and the women . Stunning . Some of it was the clothes . Everyone seemed so stylish , they 're clothes all fit perfectly like people in a magazine . People stopped by on their way home from work . Nobody seemed in a hurry to go home . He said it was a long , dark winter and people wanted to soak it up as much as they could . It was a beautiful afternoon and evening . We seemed to talk forever , and a lot of that is blurry . I remember feeling like I was floating just above things , just above the noisy chatter where we were sitting , above the city , the harbor , watching the light fade and the colors deepen and the lights of night come on and reflect off the water like stars . Somehow they got on the subjects of accents . One woman told Greg he had a funny accent . " If you didn 't speak such good Swedish I couldn 't understand you . " Greg didn 't have an accent at all . I have an accent , you can tell I 'm from North Dakota or Minnesota . I make those long o 's . Kate 's from outside Chicago and she makes all her vowels through her nose . But Greg sounded like he could have been from anywhere . They insisted all of us had accents , " American accents . " I thought that was funny , that people thought of us as having accents . I asked Greg where he was from . " You sound like American from anywhere . Maybe California , " I said . He said , " Yeah , that 's about right . " He had moved around a lot as a kid , east coast and west coast . He said , " So I 'm just generic American , " but you could see he wasn 't really anymore . Not even just American . He wasn 't really from anywhere . Later I asked him , " Do you miss the US ? Do you want to go back ? Where would you go back ? " I haven 't traveled that much around the US , but I 've never seen anything like that life he had going there . He said , " New York ? " But even New York is not like that , with that peaceful view of the water and so many nice people , beautiful people , coming and going . He said , " I know . That 's why when it 's time to go back , I keep figuring out a way to stay longer . " But it was just a kind of limbo . That 's why I said it was like what I had thought being an expatriate was . He wasn 't starting a family there . We were talking about that and there was a very attractive woman squeezed in next to me at the table and I said , " Why is he still single ? Aren 't there women who would love a successful guy like this ? " She said , " But he will be gone . He is not staying forever . So you might start to be together and then he would have to leave . " I had always thought of expatriates as solitary guys , but I hadn 't thought of how lonely it might be . We never did find our internet cafe . I think he just wanted to talk to Kate . We were sitting there in the twilight and I looked at my watch and said holy crap , we had to get back to the hostel before they locked the doors . Some of them seemed a little shocked that we were staying in a hostel . Like we should have been in a hotel or something . Earlier in the evening Greg had given me his card with a telephone number on it , but when we stood up and said goodbye he didn 't mention it so we never called him again . And it was good that we had had a day without me checking my email . Kate seemed more relaxed the next day , even though we went first thing to a place the hostel keeper had told us about . It 's funny how the next day we were thinking totally different things about it . I was thinking about Greg , all dressed up in a sleek - fitting suit , and thinking about how maybe that could be me . Maybe that 's how I would end up if I did well at the job I would soon be starting . But then I wasn 't sure about it . Even though he was having a good time , he seemed so alone . Kate seemed all excited by it . " Just think , getting a job in a place like this and being able to meet all these interesting people you 'd never meet in Chicago . " It was like she 'd had a completely different evening than I had . Nothing like sitting so close to someone all evening , the woman you had not so long ago asked to marry you , and what you remember from the evening is totally different . Like you weren 't even together . Maybe it was just the beer . And that 's what I remember about Stockholm now , how beautiful it was but at the same time how totally alone I was , even though we held hands as we walked around by the water and the sun was warm on our backs . Lives follow a path . They 're supposed to follow a path . Like the sun arcing across the sky . You get up on a sunny summer morning and you expect to have that beautiful day . The sun is not supposed to suddenly fall out of the sky just as you 're getting ready for lunch and leave you in darkness for the rest of the day . If you knew your boy was only going to live until he was twenty , would it be different ? Some parents know , don 't they ? Their child is born with difficulties , something wrong . The doctor says , " This child won 't have a long life . His heart will fail . Her kidneys will fail . " Whatever it might be . Does the parent think about their time differently ? Their childhood ? Do they love that child differently ? When they hold them as infants , as toddlers . When they are tying their shoes , teaching them to throw a ball , playing basketball out in the drive . Is it different to listen to the boy in high school , all shy and worrying about who to ask for a date to the prom ? If you know it might be the last time he dresses up and asks a beautiful girl to dance ? Do we say , " I know everyone else is worried about these things but please don 't worry , you , because you 're going to be gone soon and you should have a good time ? " Would a mother of a child like that be more awake if she knew this was going to be the last time she could unscramble the collar of his shirt , straighten his bow tie ? Would she have remembered to take more pictures ? At Thanksgiving I almost asked Tom 's brother to take a picture of us , Tom and I and Finn and Christine . But then I didn 't , because I thought , I 'll be imagining Ben there too , in the blank space on the side of the picture . There 's no blank space there but I see blank space . Just behind Tom 's shoulder . Of in front of Finn , where maybe he would have stood . If someone had told me we could only have him for a short time , would I see this hole where he is missing , everywhere I look ? It 's a mean trick when the life is cut short . It 's as if I settled into a good book , a summertime sort of good book , that part of the summer between the weeds and the harvesting when the days are a little easier , when school is still out . You 're getting cozy in your summer chair , and the sun is warm , and the book is so good . You 're glad it 's a big , thick book because every page is wonderful in an unexpected way . And suddenly , just partway into it , you turn a page and it 's blank . And then next page , and it 's blank too . And the next and the next . You grab the rest of the pages by the end and shuffle through them quickly , like through a deck of cards , and you see they 're all empty . The rest of the book is a blank . It was so good , but it was only a short story . Sometimes I feel like I 'm wandering in my house like a ghost . I look back and think of all the times I was with Ben and yet not really there . Not all the way awake . And now I wonder that I 'm not awake now because I 'm trying to go back and retrieve all the memory that 's almost lost . I don 't seem to know how to live my life because the map I had to the path made me think it was different . This is not the path I thought I was on . If I had known , maybe I 'd have chosen another one . It all seemed different when this was the place to come to , the place we longed to visit in summer . When even as children we were eager to drive five hundred miles , across farmland and woodland as it unrolled into prairie . Different than when we came to be here , be from here . Down in the draw where spring rains ran , in August the dry bed gave up arrowheads , glints of metal , sometimes a cracked bone . We knew these things , but not their names . Then it was Indians and settlers . We didn 't know Dakota , Ojibwe , Mandan , Cree . Although nobody knows who had walked here then , who left those things in the dirt . Sometimes we helped hoe in my grandmothers garden , around the beans , or on the hills where the shoots from the melons and the squashed slowly snaked out their long fingers . We looked at the dirt more , saw the ladybugs on leaves . Beetles and crawling things whose names we didn 't know , who seemed more frightening when not known . There were big worms in the rich black soil and we gently worked them loose and tried to drop them down the backs of the girls ' shirts . My sister always wanted to organize . Games . Hide and seek . We slunk down low along the sides of the house , in the garden . The voices of the adults , aunts and uncles , words wafting disembodied from the screened - in porch . Talk about mysterious adult things . The voices rising and falling , occasionally sharp . Some of us whispered on the far side of the house . " Who is arguing ? Is someone mad ? " Thinking we should stay out of sight . Flowers grew beneath the kitchen window . Sometimes we sat under it , hearing the clinking of dishes coming from the cupboard . The scrape of a spatula on a skillet . Thick smells , dinner . A roast perhaps . We ducked down there , waiting to be called in . Sometimes my grandmother rang an old dinner bell that you could hear out across the fields . We went inside to wash , inspecting each others ' arms for ticks , our clothes for signs of dirt . The tire swing hung from a low limb of a cottonwood . The youngest kids wanted to swing again and again , forever and ever . When the game got too long my older cousins flung the tire as hard as they could , in wide arcs , tire and kids sailing up in a blur into the branches , falling hard on the late summer ground . Frightened calls and then crying , Christine running up to the screened - in porch to tell the parents , but my aunts already coming at the sound of their cries . Later , when the house was ours , I sat in that swing . Usually still , staring out at the quiet prairie . Staring but not seeing , my mind away in other worries , fears , sadness . Before Laura , about Laura . The old windmill still stood , with only three twisted blades . Sometimes catching a gust , slowly turning , the rusty bearings groaning . My grandfather said once , " I should take that down . Some day a bad gust will catch then and it won 't be able to spin and that 'll be the end of it . " A storm blew it over when I was away at college . The yard seems empty now . Somehow it always seemed more empty after it became my yard . My cousins still visited , we still ran around the lawns in the late summer . But it was never the same . I suddenly remember the feeling , why we couldn 't wait to get the hell away from this town as soon as we finished high school . My sister is calling me from Fargo . " Why aren 't you home at night ? What are you up to ? " Crap , how the hell does she know ? And if she knows , from a hundred and fifty miles away … This could turn out ugly . Ben and I used to call her " princess " when we were young and she was in high school . She was always complaining about us to our mother . " They 're picking on me ! " Or , " They won 't leave me alone when I 'm in the bathroom . " She was always in the bathroom , seemed like . Really , she 's mad because nobody 's coming down to look at her baby . We 've seen her . I stopped and saw her on the way up here last summer . And then what did she do ? She calls my mother . " Mom ! Finn is coming home ! What 's up ? " We saw her at Thanksgiving , at Christmas . I stopped and saw her with Lars , on the way to New York . I guess that 's not enough . We have to come and bow down more often . What are we supposed to do ? It 's not like the baby can even talk yet . Chris says she can sit up now . Wow ! I bet that is exciting . The one good thing about the baby is that now she doesn 't talk about Ben all the time . It used to be Ben , one thing after another . Nobody was talking about it . " Why don 't you talk about Ben ? Don 't you miss him ? Doesn 't it hurt when you think about him ? " I told her she should move out to California . I 've heard people out there like to talk about their feelings all day long . She 's always been worried about everybody else . She 's like the herding dog for our family , keeping us together . It 's probably why we can 't manage even a decent conversation with her gone , seriously . I mean , you sit around at the house in the evening and there isn 't a sound . Except for the televisions on the family room , the kitchen , my parents ' bedroom . I don 't think I know anyone else in town has more than one television . We not only have three , half the time they 're all on at the same time . If she knew how bad things are around the house now , I don 't think Chris would wonder why I 'm not at home in the evening . Why I ended up making a friend . I wonder how she 's hearing stuff , so far away , though . Who would be spreading rumors to her ? What rumors is she hearing ? I 'm worried about my mother . I 've called a few times lately to see if she 'd like to come down here , see her granddaughter . She always sounds drunk . She says , " I don 't know what we 're doing the next few weekends . " I say , " Well , do you have a calendar ? Look at your calendar . " She says , " I don 't have it in front of me . " I 'm thinking , " Well , can you get up off your ass and look at it ? " I don 't say that , of course . It would hurt her feelings and I 'd be hearing about it for years . And her feelings are hurt beyond repair for the rest of her life . I get it , I guess . I can 't imagine what I would do if anything happened to my daughter . As usual , my brother is clueless . I asked him about this and he said , " I don 't know . I 've been working a lot of night shifts at the Uptown . She 's always asleep by the time I get home . " Who is he kidding ? What is he doing at night ? It 's not like there 's anything to do in that town at night . That guy has had so many chances , so many doors opened for him . And he manages to stumble through every one of them , or slam them in his own face . My mother 's definitely been worse lately . I 'll be talking about the baby and all of a sudden she 's talking about Ben . She came down here last summer , right after Ally was born . It was summer vacation , so she could stay awhile . She was with us three or four weeks - I don 't remember that time all that clearly , actually . It seemed like a good distraction for her . Since then , though , it 's like she 's stuck at home . Ever since Finn came home from Chicago . Maybe she 's worried about him . Over Christmas , over spring break , I keep saying , " Why don 't you come down here and stay with us again ? " And she says , all distracted , " I can 't . There 's too much to do here . " Like what ? She always sounds a little drunk when she says it . Everyone seems lost in the past . I think that 's why Finn is back there . Why would you give up a good job , after you spent all that time working in school , to go back to that little town and cook burgers and scrambled eggs ? And it 's a crime , because when I talk to him , he doesn 't seem to be thinking of his brother , just his dead friends . Maybe that 's why my mother has gotten so crazy lately about Ben . Because Finn seems to have forgotten him . But everybody 's caught up with the dead . Sometimes I feel like screaming at them , " Hey ! I know people have died , people have always died . Meanwhile , life goes on , and there 's new life here . You have a new granddaughter , a new niece . How about caring about the family you still have ? About life up ahead ? " But it 's no use talking . |
SLACK FRIDAY : NOVEMBER 28 , 2014 Avoid crazed shopping crowds ! Keep calm and carry on at home with these great Merr - E Holiday Treats from Pocket Star eBooks ! TIM CRATCHIT ' S CHRISTMAS CAROL : THE SEQUEL TO THE CELEBRATED DICKENS CLASSIC London for the past week had disappeared , swept away by a biting north wind . He paused for a moment to gaze up at the stars , a rare sight in the usually haze - choked city . Then , pulling his scarf tightly around his along the path to the curb , where his brougham waited . The horses , a chestnut gelding and another of dappled gray , stomped their hooves on the cobblestone pavement . They made an odd pair , but Tim had chosen them for their gentle nature rather than their appearance . As the doctor approached , his coachman smiled and swung open the side door . The coach 's front and rear lamps barely pierced December 's early darkness . " Good evening , Doctor , " the coachman said as Tim approached . that it was a woman , clutching a dirty bundle to her chest . Thousands of poor women in London made a meager living sifting through the city 's dustbins for usable items and selling them for whatever pittance they could fetch . The bundle this woman cradled so a moment , please , " Tim told the coachman , resignation in his voice . He was eager to get home , and too tired to wait while the woman unwrapped the bundle . He reached clad in a tattered dress covered by a dirty , threadbare gray blanket that she had fashioned into a hooded cloak . Her dark brown hair was matted in greasy clumps , and a smudge of dirt smeared her right cheek . Her face , though it was beginning to show the premature you for waiting , sir , " the woman said , still struggling to catch her breath . " I was hoping that you could take a look at my son . He 's very sick . " She tugged suppressed a groan . It had been a long day - all his days seemed long now - and he was eager to get home . " Come inside , please , " he instructed the woman . To Henry he my Jonathan , sir . He 's been sickly since birth , and now he 's getting worse , " she said . Tim noticed that her eyes were moist . take him into the examination room . " Tim led them in , lit the lamps . The woman laid the child on the table and pulled back the blanket and other wrappings . Tim studied the boy . His eyes were open , brown like his mother 's , and though they gazed intently at Tim , the little body was limp . No mental defect , but something physical , you , sir . You took care of me many years back , when I had a fever . You came by the East End every week then , sir , and took care of the poor folk . " Miss , Doctor . Jonathan 's father was a sailor . We were supposed to marry , but I never seen him since before Jonathan was born . My name 's Ginny Whitson . " was already clear to Tim that the child , like his thin , almost gaunt mother , was badly malnourished . That accounted in part for his small size . Tim also noticed sir , never a step . He could stand a bit until a few weeks ago , but now he can 't even do that . I think it 's the lump on his back , Doctor . " carefully turned the boy over to find a plum - sized swelling along the left edge of his spine at waist level . He touched it lightly , and Jonathan whimpered . " How you come back at noon on Saturday ? I 'm sorry to make you wait that long , but I have some things to check , and it will take time . " Ginny nodded . " I 'll see then know this isn 't enough even for today , sir , " she apologized . " But I 'll get more , I promise . I 'm working hard , you see , sir . Every day I go door - to - door and get work she was about to step out of the carriage , something she had said earlier occurred to Tim . " One moment , Miss Whitson . You mentioned that someone directed you to Doctor , " she replied , " and he didn 't say . He was an old gentleman , thin , with a long nose and white hair . Neatly dressed , but his clothes weren 't fancy , if you ignored such a woman , or ordered her back to the slums . Her description , though , didn 't fit any of them . He shook his head , trying to remove the cobwebs from his tired mind . It must have been someone else , someone he just couldn 't recall in his fuddled state . with consultations and surgeries . Tim had arrived at his office at five - thirty that morning , half an hour earlier than usual , to prepare for a seven o ' clock operation on the Duchess of Wilbersham . She had been which she attributed to a strain that refused to heal . Since she never lifted anything heavier than a deck of cards at her daily whist game , Tim doubted the explanation , and several examinations showed no sign of any real injury . The duchess had a reputation true , dear , " Bob Cratchit insisted . " I 've never seen Mr . Scrooge like that . We sat for an hour this afternoon , talking . He asked a lot of questions about our smiled at the recollection of his mother 's skepticism . She had always been the realist in the family , Bob the optimist . Tim had shared his mother 's doubts . She numberless freckles on her cheeks and small nose , and green eyes that always seemed to sparkle with happiness . She took Tim 's top hat , coat , and scarf . " Dinner will be ready in a half hour , Doctor , " she announced , usual , Tim dined alone . At the time he had purchased the large house , Tim had expected that he would one day need the space for the family he hoped to have . However , to hear . Still , he admitted that all three servants had warmed to him over the past two years , and had grown more willing to engage him in informal conversation . Perhaps one day they could dine together without the awkwardness of his previous attempts , he he just could not find the time to do so . He really didn 't have the opportunity , anyway . How could he devise innovative treatments , he asked finished his preparation for the next day 's work , Tim drew out his pocket watch . Not quite half past ten . He reached across the wide mahogany desk for the latest Tim pushed it aside . It would have to wait until he had researched Jonathan 's condition . Tim walked over to the bookcase , scanned several volumes , removed a reference book , and returned a chill breeze that came through a cracked windowpane . Strange , Tim thought , he was certain Bridget had closed the curtains . And when had the window broken ? trousers he had been wearing were now coarse brown cloth through which he could see the outline of his legs , withered and weak . The elegant marble of the fireplace had been replaced by cracked , ancient bricks . Leaning against them was a crutch . His childhood enclave . There was no crutch to be seen . He flexed his legs . They were strong . He shuddered , perplexed at what had occurred . Although he was quite sure that he had not fallen asleep , he reassured himself that it must have been a dream . Not surprising , considering over the washbasin , he poured water from a pitcher into the ceramic bowl . He wet a washcloth and rubbed his face . Even in the light of the single gas lamp , he could see the creases beginning to form on his forehead , the dark circles under his blue eyes . A few strands of gray were sprinkled through his blond hair . He thought he looked at least a decade older than his thirty - two years . Combined with his short stature much work , that was the cause , he thought . Unpleasant work . And now he also had to do something about Jonathan Whitson , who had what was likely A boy not yet four , probably sentenced to death by nature before his life had a chance to begin . Five years ago , Dr . Timothy Cratchit would have tackled the child 's case enthusiastically and with optimism . Now he minutes . Jason had ten minutes to make the twenty - minute trip across town . He 'd never be on time for his meeting . He stared at his watch as if it would tell him just have to wait . Christmas Eve was tomorrow and he had to take care of getting Emily 's present . Truthfully , he should have gotten it already , but between working , looking after the house , only thing Emily had asked for this year was the Little Family Dollhouse . She 'd get other gifts , too , of course , but he had to be sure to have that one . A coworker he 'd spoken to before he left the office had told him how popular the house was with girls Emily 's age . Every little girl she knew either had one or had put it at the top of her list for Santa . Apparently now it was almost impossible to find . She 'd suggested this small , out - of - the - way toy store that specialized in hard - to - find items . So here he was , sitting in a traffic jam , hoping it wasn 't too late to get what he needed . Impatience threatened to strangle him . He glanced again at the clock on the dashboard . right now . He clutched the steering wheel tightly and dropped his head onto his clenched fists . This was ridiculous . Who would schedule a lunchtime meeting all the way across town on the day before Christmas Eve ? His boss , that 's who . How could he possibly get all of this done ? He rubbed his temples with the heels of his hands . Didn 't these people need to be at work or something ? The motorist from the toy store . Figuring he was lucky to get this close , he locked the car and jogged the two blocks . The freezing - cold drizzle not only soaked him but also coated the sidewalk with a thin sheet of ice . Since he was dressed for work in his suit and hard - soled dress shoes , the going wasn 't easy . Slipping when he turned to enter the store , he went down hard . His feet slid out from under him and he hit the wet sidewalk , scraping his chin on the step , tearing a hole in the knee of his pants , and soaking himself in this day get any worse ? Even as the thought crossed his mind , things indeed got worse . As he pushed himself up , he caught a glimpse through the front door of Oh , no ! She can 't . Clutching the handrail tightly , he hurried up the two front steps to the door , grabbing hold of it before she could turn the key . wet , shivering in the cold , he could certainly appreciate her hurry to head south , but he had to get into that store . " Please . I just need one thing . It 's really and it took him several trips up and down the aisle to realize the dollhouse he needed wasn 't there . Great . Now what would he do ? He hated disappointing Emily . Shoving his fingers through his hair in frustration , he turned to leave . of fingers holding onto his prize . A small , delicate hand had managed an incredibly tight grip on the box . His gaze slid up the arm and into the biggest , bluest , most beautiful eyes he 'd ever seen . The breath caught in his throat . eyes might have melted her heart , but there was no way she was letting go of this box . Motherhood prevailed . She 'd called all over the city looking for this dollhouse , mess . His gray pin - striped business suit was soaking wet , dirty , and torn . Wet hair stuck up in thick , dark clumps along one side of his head . A large scrape marred his very sexy chin . exhaled one of those annoyed male sighs she knew so well . " Look , let 's be reasonable here . I already had the box in my hand when you grabbed hold of it . " dollhouse cost over a hundred dollars , and she had to admit the money would come in handy . Her job as a receptionist didn 't pay much . The only " I 'm sorry . Even though your offer is very generous " - you jerk - " I 'm afraid I can 't accept . My daughter is only seven , and this is the only thing she asked for this year . I have to have it for her . I 've already been all over the city looking for it . I 'm sure you can understand . " mentally kicked herself even as the words left her mouth . Maybe he hadn 't realized how impossible these things were to find . If Mr . Chocolate Eyes thought he 'd be able to find another one , she might have a better chance of getting him to release his hold on the box . He forked his free hand through his hair . Good grief . No wonder it was so messy . let 's be reasonable . " He took another long breath , his wet clothes clinging to broad shoulders . " Only one of us can have the dollhouse . I understand your position . I have a seven - year - old as well . This dollhouse is the only thing she put on her list for Santa this year . She 'd be so disappointed if it wasn 't under the tree . Please , is there any way I can talk you into letting me have it ? " obviously both in the same position . As adults , surely we can resolve this somehow . " She couldn 't help but wonder what he 'd do if she just yanked the box out of his hand and ran . The only problem being she 'd have to stop and pay for it . She couldn 't just run out of the store . Or could she ? She glanced toward the front door and chewed on her bottom lip . She could always come back in later , after he 'd gone , and pay not an option . Allison didn 't have anyone but her mother and had never known her father . He 'd taken off the day he found out Leah was pregnant . me . " The sales clerk didn 't appear to be the least bit amused . She stood with her arms folded across her chest , her foot tapping and a scowl on her face . " Sir , I let you in because you told me you just needed one thing . You said you 'd only be a minute . I have to lock up now or I 'm going to miss my flight . " don 't really care who gets the dollhouse . In one minute I 'm locking that door and I won 't sell it to either of you . " She turned her back on them and walked away , the Christmas music stopped and the lights flipped off a minute later , Leah panicked . " Come on . I really need to have this . Neither of us is going to get it if you don 't let go . Now . " Desperation nearly choked her . " Maybe we can find another one somewhere else , but we 're definitely not going to find two . Let me have this one and I 'll help you find another one . " tell you what . " The man quickly glanced at the clerk and then back at her . " We 'll split the cost of this one and go together to look for another one . Then we 'll Alexander is a native New Yorker . She was born in Rome , New York , then moved to Rosedale , and finally to Long Island . She still lives on eastern Long Island with her husband Thurston stared at his phone in shock , then dropped it on the kitchen counter as if it had burned his hand . Like a ghost from the past , Carrie calls him and tells him she 's sending Anna to live with him ? She 'd said , " I 've raised her for the first ten years . It 's your turn now . " Into his stunned silence she 'd added , " I 'll let you know when she 's arriving . " He sank onto a bar his hair . He should have known this day would come - that his one big mistake would eventually come back to haunt him . He 'd met Carrie Spano in his senior year at the University of Texas . A freshman , she 'd been a beauty . Faced with her dark , flashing eyes , her killer body , and her devil - may - care approach to life , it had been easy to overlook her youth . By November they 'd been an item . But by April , with graduation and a new job on his horizon , she 'd started pushing for them to get married . Married ? At twenty - two ? think of . And she 'd been right . He knew that now , but at the time he 'd thanked his lucky stars to be rid of her . In a fit of rage she 'd vowed to keep the baby and make him sorry that he 'd ever messed with her . was the last time he 'd seen her . But as he 'd started his professional life as an engineer here in Iowa , the shadow of Carrie had hung over him . Carrie and her baby . His baby . He 'd expected to hear from her once the baby was born , but when there was no word he got anxious . Did she have the baby or not ? Did she keep it or put it up for adoption ? it ! " How was he supposed to fit her into his life ? But even more difficult would be explaining her to his parents and sister . What would they think braced his elbows on the counter . He supposed they would forgive him eventually . And they would accept Anna , he knew that . His mother was eager for a not be happening . Not this fast , with no warning whatsoever . Surely he and Carrie could come to some sort of compromise . What if he offered her money to keep the child ? After all , she 'd cashed the check he 'd sent her right after he found out the baby unable to deliver . He 'd done a cursory search for her with no success , and decided that if she 'd moved and couldn 't be bothered to contact him , then so be it . And if he 'd ever felt guilty on October 2 every year , he 'd told himself that he 'd done all stared at his phone . Taking a deep breath , he reached for it and pressed * 69 . " Pick up , Carrie . Pick up the damn phone , " he muttered as it rang and rang . He wasn 't ready to be a father . A kid would ruin everything . He would not let Carrie wreck his life without even giving him a chance to make some counteroffer . But when he finally hung up after twenty rings , he knew he two big cardboard boxes . Even with the boxes full , there were so many things she loved that she had to leave behind . Her teddy - bear collection . Her shelf of Goosebumps books . Her school papers , and the art projects that Nana Rose had posted on the refrigerator . And then there was her bike , and all her Barbie stuff . to open it . But she had to wait . This was going to be the worst Christmas of her life , but at least she had this present . When she opened it on Christmas morning , it would be almost like Nana Rose was there with her . Almost . Frowning , she emptied her backpack , for her family . Her heart fluttered in her chest , an unwelcome symptom according to her doctor . But she preferred to think of it as butterfly wings beating eagerly for release . She was going home ! After more years than she could remember , she was going home out for the ticket counter . How long since she 'd been on a train ? She couldn 't recall . But some things never changed : the busy excitement of so many people rushing everywhere ; the low rumble of the massive engines see . " She pulled out the slip of paper with the town 's name on it . Not that she needed it to remember the name of her own hometown . Still , every " Ennis . " He stared at his screen , a faint frown on his face . Then he smiled . " Here it is . Ennis , Iowa . Right ? " Eva smiled at him , restored by overwhelming joy at the thought of her hometown . " No , " she repeated , beaming pure happiness at the ticket seller . " I and lowering his voice . " Don 't say too much about carrying only cash , okay ? There 's people who 'd love to fleece a nice lady like you . You know nodded , taking the change he slid back to her and folding it into her purse . " I will be very careful . " She patted her purse and as added precaution nodded and headed toward the gates to the loading platform . It was too cold to wait outside , so she found a seat near the arched doors . Not long now . Wyoming ranch . And when an injured horse brings them together , Cole can 't help but believe that Maia casts spells on animals - and men . What else could explain the burning passion he feels for her and the thawing of his heart just in time for Christmas ? face of the earth . Cole shoved open the bedroom door . Jase was already fully awake , his eyes wide with the terror of his memories . Something twisted hard and painfully in Cole 's chest . it go away ? " Jase asked . He threw back the covers and paced across the room , the same edgy tension in his teenage body that Cole had in abundance as a grown man . Jase was tall and gangly , like a young colt , all arms and legs , looking a bit like a scarecrow he shoot your dog for Christmas ? " Cole asked bluntly . " That 's what he did for me the last time I wanted to celebrate the holiday like my friends . I haven 't ever bet he said you weren 't tough enough and that only sissies needed pets and Christmas . He wanted you to toughen up and be a man . Not get attached to anything . " have burn marks ? Scars from cuts ? He liked to whip me with a coat hanger . And when I didn 't cry , he took to using other things . " did too , at first . He was a mean son of bitch , Jase . I 'm glad he 's dead . He can 't touch you anymore . I 'm not going to lie to you and tell you the nightmares go away because I still have them . We both lived in hell and he had too much money for anyone to want to believe us . " Cole rubbed his hands through his thick black hair . to you and your mother that he did to me and mine . I thought I could protect you , at least until you 're old enough to live on your own . I figured I would be a better guardian than anyone else the court might appoint or that our father had named if I didn 't was creeping in through the huge plate - glass window . Cole watched the sun come up . It was cold , and the ground outside was covered with several feet of snow , turning managed a lazy shrug even though he really wanted to smash something . It was always there , that volcano inside him , waiting to erupt . The thought of his father , met Cole 's eyes squarely . " They say you killed the old man and that you 're planning to kill me next . Sixtyfour million dollars is a lot of money , twice as much do say that , don 't they ? " Cole said . " And don 't forget the ranch . It 's worth twice that easily , maybe more with the oil and gas deposits . I haven 't actually checked into how much yet . " His eyes had gone ice - cold , a piercing blue stare that impaled the boy . " What do you say , Jase ? Because in the end , you 're was silent a long time . " I say I 'm glad you came back . But I don 't understand why he left us the money and the ranch when he hated us both so much . It doesn 't for the boy 's sake . " I drink . I 'm your guardian , so I have to say that 's not allowed for you . At least not until you 're a hell of a lot older . " Cole said grimly . Honestly . " But it gets me through the night . Sometimes I go to the workout room or the barn . I hung a heavy bag in both places , and I beat on them until my hands hurt . Other times I take the wildest horse we have and go out into the mountains . I run the hills , using the deer trails , anything to make me so tired I can 't think anymore . " of that works either , does it ? " Jase had tried physical activity as well , but he was finding that talking quietly with his half brother was helpful . More helpful than anything else he 'd tried . At least one person believed him . And one person had gone through the same torment . It created a bond in spite shook his head . " No , none of it works , but it gets you through the night . One night at a time . He 's dead , Jase , and that 's all that matters . " but I wish I had . I used to lie awake at night and plan how I 'd do it . That was before Mom died . Then I just wanted to get out . " Cole studied the boy 's face . " Did let his breath out slowly . He had stayed alive using his ability to read others , and he was fairly certain that Jase was telling the truth . Jase had been in the shoulders shaking . " I think he killed my mother . They said she was drinking and drove off the bridge , but she never drank . Never . She was afraid to drink . She wanted to know what was happening all the time . You He 'd enjoyed inflicting pain , and he had tortured his wives and children and every one of his employees . The ranch was huge , a long way from help , and once he had control over those living on his lands , he never relinquished it . Cole knew he 'd been lucky to possible . I think the old man was capable of paying everyone off from coroners to police officers . He had too much money and power for anyone to cross him . It would be easy enough for a medical examiner to look the other way if there was enough money in bribes . And if that didn 't work , there were always threats . We both know the old man didn 't make idle threats ; he 'd carry them out . " made a lot of enemies . He destroyed businesses and seduced as many of his friends ' wives as possible . And if he killed anyone else , as I suspect he must have , someone at first . But later I thought maybe it made sense . He wanted us to be like him . He had me investigated and found I spent time in jail . I think swore , a long string of curses . " That 's a load of crap , Jase . There 's nothing wrong with you . " He needed to move , to ride something hard , it didn 't matter what it was . A horse , a motorcycle , a woman , anything at all to take away the knots gathering in his stomach . " Let 's get out of here . " turned away from the boy , a cold anger lodged in his gut . He detested Christmas , detested everything about it . No matter how much he didn 't want the season to start , it always came . He woke up drenched in sweat , vicious laughter ringing in his ears . He could fight the demons most of the year , but not when Christmas songs played on the radio and in every store he entered . Not when every building and street displayed decorations and people continually wished each other " Merry Christmas . " He didn 't want that for Jase . He had to find a way to give the boy back his life . hadn 't helped either of them . When no one believed a word you said , or worse , was bought off , you learned to stop trusting people . If Cole never did another thing right in his life , he was going to be the one person Jase would know he could always trust . And he was going to make certain the boy didn 't turn out the way he had . Or the way their father had . brothers walked through the sprawling ranch house . The floors were all gleaming wood , the ceilings open - beamed and high . Brett Steele had demanded the best of everything , didn 't break stride as he hurried through the spacious house . At times he wanted to burn the thing down . There was no warmth in it , and as hard paused , the key in the ignition . He glanced at the boy 's flushed face . " It isn 't that , Jase . I don 't mind you asking me anything . I made up my mind I 'd never lie nodded . " I don 't mind that you 've been in jail , but it worries me because Uncle Mike says he 's going to take you to court and get custody of me . If I lived with half brother . " The one thing I can promise is I 'll fight for you until they kill me , Jase . " He was implacable , the deadly ruthless stamp of determination clear on his face . " No one is going to take you away from me . You got that ? " visibly relaxed . He nodded , a short jerky gesture as he tried to keep his emotions under control . Cole wasn 't certain if that was good or bad . was a long way to the nearest town . There had been numerous guards at the ranch when his father was alive , supposedly for security , but Cole knew better . Brett had needed his own private world , a realm he could rule with an iron fist . The first thing Cole had done was to fire all of the ranch hands , the security force , and the housekeeper . If he could have had them prosecuted for their participation in Brett 's sadistic depravities , he would have . Jase needed to feel safe . And Cole needed to feel as if he could provide the right atmosphere for the boy . They had interviewed the new ranch hands together , and they were still looking for a housekeeper . leaned forward to fiddle with the radio . The cab was flooded with a country Christmas tune . Jase hastily went through the stations , but all he could find was Christmas must have a preference , " Cole persisted . " I 've seen you bring the big bay , Celtic High , a carrot every now and then . " The boy had spent a little time each day , brushing the horse and whispering to it , but he never rode the bay . Jase 's expression closed down instantly , his eyes wary . " I don 't care about any of them , " he repeated . frowned as he slipped a CD into the player . " You know what the old man was all about , don 't you , Jase ? He didn 't want his sons to feel affection or loyalty to anything or anyone . Not our mothers , not friends , and not animals . He killed the animals in front of us to teach us a lesson . He destroyed our him . He didn 't want you ever to feel emotion , especially affection or love for anything or anyone else . If he succeeded in doing that to you , he won . You can 't let him win . Choose a horse and let yourself care for it . We 'll get a dog if you want a dog , or didn 't do that , " Jase pointed out . " You don 't have a dog . You haven 't had a dog in all the years you 've been away . And you never got married . I 'll bet you never lived with a woman . You have one - night stands and that 's about it because you won 't let anyone into your life . " It was a shrewd guess . counted silently to ten . He was psychoanalyzing Jase , but he damned well didn 't want the boy to turn the spotlight back on him . " It 's a hell Jase . You don 't want to use me as a role model . I know all the things you shouldn 't do and not many you should . But cutting yourself off from every living thing takes its toll . Don 't let him do that to you . Start small if you want . Just choose one of the horses , was silent , his face averted , but Cole knew he was weighing the matter carefully . It meant trusting Cole further than perhaps Jase was willing to go . Cole was a big question mark to everyone , Jase especially . Cole couldn 't blame the boy . He knew what he was like . Tough and ruthless with no backup in him . His reputation was that of a vicious , merciless fighter , a man born love and laughter in her heart . More than likely Brett had killed her because he couldn 't turn Jase away from her . Jase 's mother must have left some legacy of love behind . her brutal husband . In the end , she 'd died of an overdose . Cole had always suspected his father had had something to do with her death . It was interesting that Jase suspected the same always hungry , " Jase admitted . " We can work out after we eat . Who came up with the idea of Christmas anyway ? It 's a dumb idea , giving presents out when it isn 't She 'd hide them in my room . He always had spies , though , and they 'd tell him . He always punished her , but she 'd do it anyway . I knew she 'd be punished , and she knew it too , but she 'd still sneak me presents . " Jase rolled down the window , letting the crisp , cold air into the truck . " She sang me Christmas songs . And once , when he was away on a trip , we baked cookies together . She loved it . We both knew the housekeeper would tell him , but at the time , we didn 't care . " cleared his throat . The idea of trying to celebrate Christmas made him ill , but the kid wanted it . Maybe even needed it , but had no clue that was what his nervous dead , Jase , " Cole repeated . He took a deep breath and took the plunge , feeling as if he was leaping off a steep cliff . " If we want to bring a giant tree into an extraordinary woman , Jase , and there aren 't that many in the world . She cared about you , not the money or the prestige of being Mrs . Brett Steele . She fought for you , and she tried to give you a life in spite of didn 't reply , but closed his eyes , resting his head back against the seat . He could still remember the sound of his mother 's voice . The way she smelled . Her smile . didn 't reply . It had been a very long few weeks , but the Christmas season was almost over . A couple more weeks , and he would have made it through another December . parking lot . To his dismay , it was already filled with cars . Unfolding his large frame , he slid from the truck , waiting for Jase to get out . voices were loud enough to carry across the small restaurant . Cole stood still , his hand on the boy 's shoulder to steady him . Jase would have to learn to live with brother , as he should have been . You 're angry because your bar buddies lost their cushy jobs , so you 're helping to spread the malicious gossip they started . The entire lot of you sound Jase 's shoulder . It was the first time he could ever remember anyone sticking up for him . " He was in jail , Maia , " Jim Begley reiterated , his voice almost placating . about any woman he wants , and you can 't . " A roar of laughter went up . Cole expected Begley to get angry with the woman , but surprisingly , he didn 't . " Aw , Maia , don 't go getting all mad just never know about me , now do you , Jim ? " She teased , obviously not angry with the man . " It 's Christmas , the best time of the year . Do you think you could stop spreading rumors and just wait for the facts ? Give the man a chance . You all want his money . You all agree the town needs him , yet you 're so quick to condemn him . Isn 't that the littlest bit hypocritical ? " was she , and why were these usually rough men hanging on her every word , trying to please her ? He found himself very curious about a total stranger - a woman at that . " Okay , okay , " Jim said . " I surrender , Maia . I 'll never mention Cole Steele again if that will felt his body tense . She was coming around the ivy to the entrance . Cole 's breath caught in his throat . She was on the shorter side , but curvy , filling out her jeans nicely . A sweater molded her breasts into a tempting invitation . She had a wealth of dark , very straight hair , as shiny as a raven 's wing , pulled into a careless ponytail . Her face was exotic , the bone structure delicate , reminding him of a pixie . swung her head back , her wide smile fading as she saw them standing there . She stopped short , raising her eyes to Cole 's . He actually hunched a little , feeling the impact in his belly . Little hammers began to trip in his head , and his body reacted with an urgent and very elemental demand . A man could drown in her eyes , get lost , or just plain lose every demon he had . Her eyes were large , heavily lashed , and some reacted immediately . " Sorry , ma ' am . " But he didn 't move . " I 'm Cole Steele . This is my brother , Jase . " Jase jerked under his hand , reacting to being acknowledged looked like you might have her for breakfast , " Jase answered . " You can look really intimidating , Cole . Scary . " Cole almost followed the woman , but at the boy 's a weekend of debauchery . And yet , that 's exactly what she does after meeting a handsome stranger at an Aspen resort . Agreeing that they 'll leave personal details at the door , they indulge in a memorable weekend of carnal recreation . On Sunday night , Cordy was exactly six - thirty - two a . m . on May 16 , four hours before the lifts opened . She stood there , panting and staring . He was floating toward her , one arm slung along app on her phone beeped , telling her she 'd logged five miles and could begin her cool - down . After this run , she would officially begin her part - work , part - leisure long weekend . She shook her head and started across the black - diamond run , which without snow was steep but hardly treacherous . As usual , she imagined how Marcas , her horse , would handle it - her dressage horse wasn 't the world 's best trail horse , but she still wished he were here with her . It thought as she kept walking . She looked up the hill in time to see a silver cylinder hit the grass . It bounced and tumbled down the ski slope , winking in the sun . Remarkably , it have a martini shaker on a chair lift . Still , it was an interesting turn of events , and a good omen for this new chapter in her life . Quirky . Not exciting , but unusual . She made her way down the slope wasn 't every day you had to return a martini shaker to a man who shouted to you from a ski lift . A handsome man . Scratch that - a handsome drunk . He might not even make it here . She 'd have a cocktail and if he didn 't show by the time she 'd finished , she 'd head back to her room , because she had better things to do - those notes on the Pinnacle Resort weren 't going to write themselves . Cordy said quickly and too primly . She didn 't want to do that clumsy drunk guy any favors because she felt put - upon as it was . It was her own her to retrieve the shaker - but she resented him all the same . " It 's fine as is . " She was waiting for a stranger for whom she 'd done a favor . that in mind , she went for decadent and ordered a champagne cocktail . To counter her immediate guilt , she followed with a respectable and nutritious Cobb salad . She gazed at the Cordy looked around , a lock of shiny wheat - colored hair fell in front of her face . As she shoved it behind her ear , she saw a fresh champagne cocktail in front of her . " Excuse me , " she called to the to the rhythm as though in a trance , oblivious to her or even that he was in the middle of a restaurant . If she weren 't in such a strange mood , she would have appreciated his talent and artistry . But the only thing she wanted to do was stop him . stared for a moment , willing him to look at her . The mental energy she expended could have bent several spoons , possibly a spatula . Or a shovel . He kept going , Of course . Because this was inconvenient , too . Maybe he didn 't recognize her . After all , he 'd been flying overhead and three sheets to the wind when they 'd met more than ten hours earlier . She sighed , flicked her hands at him , and said , " Could you maybe shook his head and a few strands of pin - straight brown hair flopped into his eyes . " I 'm sorry ; I can 't hear you . I 'm playing the piano . " spoke louder . " Yes , I know . I was wondering if you could play a different song ? " He continued playing all those damned notes she hated , while conversing - of course he was - he was a professional , what did she expect ? It wasn 't even multitasking for him , it was his job to chat up diners while playing . " This is a great song . Cole Porter . What do you have against Cole Porter ? " seemed he was embellishing the tune just to annoy her . The golden buzz from her vintage cocktail had turned on her and was making her grumpy . He continued , " Have you ever heard the words ? They 're beautiful . " Then , to add musical insult to emotional injury , he started over and sang softly , so only she mouth only made her feel terrible . What did Cole Porter know ? This kind of love doesn 't exist except in songs . I should know . Her throat ached , her cheeks heated and , lo and behold , she was about to cry . This wasn 't going to happen . She clamped down on her unacceptable emotional response , leaned toward him , and said , " Please . " " I 'll finish - " I see it , you owe me a hundred dollars and my martini shaker . Which I thank you for returning , by the way . It 's another reason I need to buy you a drink . In fact , I hardly think a drink 's enough - after all , that shaker is very important to me . I believe I owe you at least a dinner . Would you do me the honor of having dinner with me this evening , Miss . . . ? It status . Not with that appealing smile chipping away at her defenses . " That 's very generous of you , but I don 't know you and you don 't know me . We don 't have to be friends . I 'm sure you have plenty of friends . I 'll give you your hundred dollars , you can take your shaker - it 's right there on the bar , safe and sound - and we 'll go our separate ways . It 's not necessary to have dinner . It 's not necessary to have drinks or coffee or . . . anything . She looked at the top of the upright . " Hey , where 's your brandy snifter ? You 're good . A guy like you could make a lot of . . . pourboires . " She gazed at his face just in time to see it brighten . He didn 't smile , but his lips twitched and his eyes lighted . She was on a roll and it felt good . " After you 're done with your Harry Connick , Jr . stint , surely you have a few martinis to make , don 't you ? Or do you only bartend on top of the mountain with your friends the goats ? " your drink 's getting warm , and that 's a tragedy . " He stood . He was taller than she 'd predicted . He had six inches on her , easy . She didn 't like that she had to look up to him now , after getting to look down at him this hole time . " Let 's go rescue that drink , " he said , and turned her with a finger on her shoulder . That finger then breezed the small of her back , propelling her toward the bar . " And careful about speaking ill of mountain goats , " he said as they walked . " They 're integral to the ecosystem here , they please the tourists , and they 're remarkably rugged , graceful , nimble creatures . " He pulled out her barstool for her . Cordy thought about dismissing his gesture , brown of a horse 's deep bay coat , and glossy - with regular features , a nose straight and assertive as a dressage whip , wide , dark eyes , full lips … A woman could do worse . He was elegant , yes , but oh - so - unavoidably masculine . A dangerous combination , but perfect " George , the lady is in dire need of another champagne cocktail , if you will . This one is tepid . And I 'll have one as well . " sat , then looked at her , and his gaze was so focused , she felt there must be a red laser dot on her nose . Her pulse actually kicked up a notch . " And , pray tell , shifted on her barstool . Where was George with her cocktail ? And why was Martini Boy with her and not at the piano ? Normally she wouldn 't have asked , but her manage , " he said , looking around the room . " Would you be so kind as to hand me my shaker ? I 'd like to inspect it for damage . " people drop things . You play the piano like a dream , so I 'm guessing you 're not usually clumsy . All that hand - eye coordination and everything . " was slightly surprised he was in color and not black - and - white like an old movie . Nobody really talked like this . He was putting on an act . He had to be . Well , two could play at this game . She was going to say something out of character . Their drinks arrived and Cordy took a good long sip . She furloughed her internal editor , the one who kept her scrupulously polite , then looked at him . beetled her brows at him . " It went on until sunrise ? At your age ? Were the cops involved ? You can tell me . After all , it 's not like we 'll see each other again . " Was this code ? Was he telling her he was gay ? Which would be great , because they could pal around and she wouldn 't have to worry about getting ' Oh ' means ' oh , ' huh ? All right , then . Since you were so kind as to return my shaker , I 'm not going to press you for an answer . " we 're even , " Cordy said , feeling positively cocky . " You didn 't answer my question and I didn 't answer yours . Let 's just enjoy our drinks , okay ? " Just . . . don 't . Or I 'll take that shaker and throw it off a cliff . " Cordy smoothed her hair behind her ear and stared at the bubbles zipping can 't . Okay ? It 's a . . . thing . " The words choked out . He must 've noticed because he nodded and didn 't argue . She wished she was one of those people who could laugh and make light of it , but in this case , she couldn 't . " Excuse me for a moment . I 'll be right back . " She reached under the bar to snag her purse or from Dearling was cloned and sent to Cruz 's laptop . A piece of cake to pull off for the young tech whiz . Jack was being well paid to catch the thief in the act - let the money and the technology change hands , and then drop the hammer . First class isn 't what it used to be . " Bragga 's accented English was spoken in clipped tones . " Take me to the First National Bank . I have business to attend He was a slight , pale , middle - aged man with thinning hair that he kept nervously brushing back off his forehead . He shrugged out of his tweed sports jacket , but when he saw the sweat stains in the armpits of his blue dress shirt , he slid it back on . He hurried checked his watch and then his phone to make sure he was receiving enough bars to communicate with Mateo . " I 'm getting a little nervous . You ? " Cruz asked before his carry - on across the white marble floor , pushed the retractable handle down into the bag , and gave Dearling an unexpected bear hug , lifting the thin man off his feet . Once the blush faded and he had regained his composure , Dearling was all smiles . He could see those appetizers ? " Bragga said , gesturing to the tray of crudités . " That is what this is . " He turned his gaze to the thick stacks of money like it was nothing . two men shook hands . The deal was consummated . It was all gravy now , Jack thought . He would contact Lawrence Weller , CEO of NCI , who would have Bragga quietly arrested backpedal across the room . Dearling 's eyes bugged , his face a mask of terror . The flowers and champagne tumbled off the cart , and the crystal vase shattered on impact . The champagne bottle exploded . Flowers and glass and water and bubbly flooded the slick it as far as the lobby . Bragga walked around the couch on unsteady legs , muscling the heavy bag . His eyes bored into Mateo , the " driver " who had betrayed him , and ordered him to clear the doorway with a sharp wave of his gun barrel . Mateo took a half step " That was a cluster fuck , " Jack said with disgust as he picked up his Glock and surveyed the carnage in the suite . Mateo collected the fallen weapons , grabbed a towel off the wet bar , and used it as a compress to stanch the first gunman 's bleeding wound . He also a Co - Executive Producer for ABC 's Scoundrels . John 's first book was Good Cop , Bad Money , a true crime tome with former NYPD Inspector Glen Morisano . The Devil 's Necktie was his first novel . A native of Long Island , John now resides in Los Angeles . Please visit Ali Reynolds is finally getting married to her longtime love B . Simpson . They wanted a simple Christmas Eve wedding , but nothing is ever simple with Ali . Even as a motley crew of her friends - Leland Brooks , Sister Anselm , and others - descend stone unturned in hunting for the dog 's owner . But what she finds is more than just a shaggy dog story … Bella 's elderly owner has vanished , and her son seems to be behind it . So it 's Ali and B . to the rescue - and still making it to the church on time ! finally in Las Vegas . The rest of the wedding party was there , too . Back in November , when she and B . Simpson had first settled on a Christmas Eve wedding at the Four Seasons , it seemed Arranging the time , date , flowers , type of ceremony - including their preferred verbiage in the vows - was just a matter of making a few mouse clicks on her computer . Ditto for the menus . One was for what they were calling the rehearsal dinner despite the fact that there would be no rehearsal until the morning of the wedding . She also used the website to choose separate menus for both the reception and the post - ceremony supper . Ali stepped away from her computer , thinking that she had most everything handled . Unfortunately , time around , Ali wasn 't so lucky . Her parents , Bob and Edie Larson , were both retired now , having sold the restaurant . Bob had found plenty to do in retirement , bride 's " momzilla " ? That wasn 't amusing in the least . To Ali 's surprise , Edie had whipped out her long - unused Singer sewing machine and bearer respectively . Colleen 's dress was a ruby - red taffeta , and Colin 's tux , also homemade , came complete with a matching rubyred taffeta cummerbund . Once that was finished , Edie took it upon herself to " The second book in Grant 's Pie Shop mystery series settles into Durham , North Carolina . The plot has more than one angle , and the reader will be intrigued by different stories within the book . The characters are great , and you really get Is Clara 's boyfriend just looking to fatten his bank account ? Before Maggie can discover , a dying Donald stumbles in Pie in the Sky . The way to a man 's heart may be through his stomach , but someone found a handgun more effective . Even To clear Clara 's name , Maggie and Ryan start sifting through suspects . Could the murderer be one of Donald 's numerous former in - laws , or an embittered flame ? And can Maggie find the culprit before the killer serves up a second helping ? shook her head in frustration . Her short brown hair flew around her pretty face . She closed her green eyes - the same color as her aunt 's . " I can 't believe it . Just as I get my life settled , Aunt Clara goes off the deep end for some ' black widower . ' It 's crazy . " her a break . She 's been alone for a long time . She 's looking for someone special in her life . My father would be the same way if he met someone who was interested in golf and didn 't ran his hand through his dark - blond hair . Instead of calming it down , the gesture made the ends curlier . He squinted at a stack of old newspaper articles from around the state , going to have to give in and get glasses . " Maggie watched him with a smile . " If you hold papers any farther from your face when you read , you 'll go cross - eyed . " was a good relationship , after they 'd worked out the kinks . They 'd met under unfortunate circumstances . Ryan had wanted to write a story about her for the had been a flurry of activity earlier , before the snow had started falling . People liked to load up on extra food before it snowed . After the white stuff was on the ground , they wanted to stay inside , make popcorn , and drink hot chocolate . " I want to write about him , but I can 't use his real name . After the first article came out in my friend 's newspaper , his lawyer threatened to sue . got up and took their coffee cups to the kitchen . Maggie followed him to get the mop . The dark - blue tile floor in the eating area of Pie in the Sky was excellent for hiding coffee " Yoo - hoo ! " Aunt Clara called from the front . " Is anyone here ? I know it 's closing time , but we 'd like some coffee , please ! " peeked around the corner of the service window between the kitchen and the front shop area . " He 's with her . We 'll have to table this discussion you are ! " Aunt Clara 's merry voice matched the holiday decorations and the twinkling lights around the pie shop . " I was beginning to wonder what a person had to do to get some aunt giggled as she held Donald 's hand , which made Maggie cringe . Clara 's wrinkled face was still pretty with its slight blush and sharp green eyes . In her youth , red hair had flowed smiled and kissed Clara 's hand . " That 's right . Your pretty little aunt convinced me that her mincemeat pie is as good as my mother 's used to be . I have my doubts . Clara can be certainly didn 't look like a killer . He was tall and handsome for an older man . He reminded her of a model for an ad selling flannel shirts and boots . He had that rugged , outdoor couldn 't ruin a possible chance for her aunt 's happiness without hard proof . " My aunt makes a mean mincemeat pie . I 'll be happy to get you a slice . Anything for you , Aunt Clara ? " " What would I say ? ' Ryan thinks the man you 're dating is a killer ' ? She 'd ask how you know . You don 't really have that answer . " would present the evidence you have at the same time as the accusation . " Maggie closed up the pies and put them back into the refrigerator . She picked up a pie plate in each hand . " She doesn 't know anything about this . She hasn 't made the connection yet between your articles and Donald . I don 't want to just blurt it out . " put a fork on each plate . " If you 're going to do that , I think you should do it here . We could set something up like we 're looking at the file when she walks in . " shrugged . " It would be safer . I 'm worried what her reaction will be , aren 't you ? She should know the truth , but I don 't want her to run to him for comfort . " not going to hate you for saving her life . She might not like it at first , but she 'll forgive you later . I 'll bet the women Donald killed would have wanted someone in their family too . " Maggie moved away to continue closing down the pie shop for the night . She wished he wasn 't trying so hard to be charming . It made it hard to dislike him . Either he was innocent with us for a minute . " Her aunt pulled out a new dark - blue chair for her . " Everything looks so wonderful in here now that the remodeling is done . " had said that this man preyed on older women who were well off and alone . Maybe she could say something to warn him off , to make sure he understood how things were . If he was even aunt has worked hard her whole life , from what she 's told me , " Donald intervened . " You have to expect she might want a nice , long rest . Maybe in the Bahamas , or Mexico . It would absolutely right . " Aunt Clara put her hand on Maggie 's . " And I 'm not talking about right now or even tomorrow . Just someday . I 'm not the spring chicken who first opened this could hardly believe her ears . She 'd never heard her aunt sound this way . It had to be Donald . He was already setting her up to depend on him . Next , he 'd convince her to marry " Go right ahead , honey . " Aunt Clara nibbled at her pie . " We 'll finish up here , and Donald said he 'll take us home . " here . " He waved to Aunt Clara from the service window . " I 'll have him take me home . You two take your time . I 'll see you when I get there . " She took the dirty coffeepots to the a pseudonym for husband and wife authors who get help writing from their cat , Quincy and their big rescue puppy , Rudy . They live in North Carolina with their family . Visit them at www . elliegrant . com . 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Mr Arnaldo owned a travelling show with five attractions . The bearded woman , the man with the giant foot . the monkey boy and the man with eleven fingers . They were not the interesting part . They had something new now . Something horrible . The other monsters were humans . There wasn 't really any doubt about it . But the fifth one was … different . It was humanoid , but only to some extent . There was something to it . Behind it 's eyes . In the shadows that surrounded it . They hadn 't let it out of the cage . The bearded woman was Mr Arnaldo 's wife , and she wasn 't really bearded . He let his beard grow , they cut it , and glued it to her face . The monkey boy , on the other hand , was real . Well , he wasn 't a monkey boy , of course , but he was very hairy . They had bought him from his parents a couple of years ago , they were happy to get rid of him . Shameful , they had been . So now he was travelling with them . He didn 't like the shows much , but he was OK the rest of the time . They didn 't give him food and roof for charity , either . The man with the giant foot and the other with eleven fingers was just that , a man with a giant foot and one with eleven fingers . He 'd given them a job , that 's all . They weren 't really that interesting though , the monkey boy and his bearded wife pulled in more costumers . He didn 't pay them much anyway , it 's not like they could find anything else . Ever since the two headed girl died , things had been going slow . The others simply weren 't enough two pull the business . That 's when they 'd found the creature . It was perfect . It was like a human , somehow , but there were shadows moving around it . It 's red , glowing eyes gave it 's intense stare an evil , dark and horrible depth never before seen . They were going to be famous . Now , ladies and gentlemen , it 's time for the great attraction ! You think what you seen until now is disgusting ? You think they are horrendous monsters ? Behold , a creature from the darker depths of dungeon dimensions . A demon of horrible hells . The horrible ! The Dark ! The Evil ! Rangooooorrrr ! He pulled the cloth off . Inside they saw something moving . Something dark , as if it was inside a shadow , darkness moving around though light should enter . It was moving around , as in fear . Fear of the light . Fear of the people . They could catch a glimpse of a face . A horrible , evil face . A sigh of astonishment went through the crowd . Amazing … Horrendous … . It 's a devil … They whispered , they were to shocked to shout . Then someone started applauding . Everyone soon followed . Loud shouts . Mr Arnaldo was bowing to the applause . People stopped clapping . He looked at them . At their faces . Some looked scared . Others amazed , as if they were waiting for the next great part of the show . They were not looking at him . They were looking behind him . He turned slowly around . The dark creature was no longer inside the cage . It was standing behind him . He screamed . The crowd suddenly understood this was not part of the show . Panic broke out in the crowd . People started running away , but the creature suddenly was everywhere . It started killing . People were ripped to pieces by the dark shadows moving around them outside of time . A bloodbath . The creature lifted him up . Laughing . He screamed as his body slowly dissolved into little , dark flying creeps , disappearing in the air as the flew away . His brain didn 't work the way it should . It was … Diffuse . Strange . Like if there was some kind of fog , some kind of … death . He felt nothing . He wasn 't sure if he was even alive . He arrived between the houses . People were walking by , some saluted . Others ignored him . He didn 't understand . He didn 't care . They were things , moving , walking . Martin saw a strange man walking down the street . He jumped aside , as the other almost bumped into him . Hey , Jones ! I didn 't recognise you . Jones the gravedigger just passed by , like he didn 't even see him . He walked strangely . He must be drunk , said Martin when he was a bit down the road . So unlike him . He came to a house . It looked familiar , somehow . What was that , deep inside him ? Feelings ? Memories ? He needed to feel something . He needed to remember . Something to show him he existed , that he was alive . Something real . He entered . His shady eyesight made it hard to see . Some sound from within the house , from the next room . It was hard to tell what it was , his ears were full of noise , a background noise without meaning . Or was it his brain ? He tried to think about it , but his thoughts were slow , too slow . They didn 't make sense . Darcy came walking into the hallway . He was standing there , looking at her . She used to be his wife , but he could not really remember . She looked at him . What 's wrong , darling … ? She said . He said nothing . The expression on his face was … . Strange . Dead , somehow . Empty . Scary . What 's that you have on your head ? There were cables and metal tubes sticking out on one side . He caught her . Held her down . She tried to fight him , but he was too strong . He needed to feel something . Anything . He bit her . Bit her in the face . She screamed even harder . Started hitting him . He could feel the punches . A little bit . Not pain . Not even molest . Just the recognition of something hitting his skin . It felt good . Alive . Real . He started hitting her back . In the face . Again and again . He felt something . A strange pleasure of violence . Some of the life he vaguely remembered was still in him . She didn 't move any more . He punched her face a while longer . It wasn 't the same when she didn 't move . He started biting her head . Martin came running in the open door . He 'd heard the noise , and came to see what was happening . Darcy ! Is everything … He stopped . Her husband was lying over her . Chewing on her . He backed out . Help ! Help , someone ! The creature got up on his feet . Walked towards the noise . Out the door . Martin ran away , screaming . The other villagers came out of their houses . He looked at them . Their weapons . They were after him . They wanted to hurt him . Fear ? Maybe . Something strange deep underneath the clouds in his mind . Fear . Danger . He turned , ran . Down the slope , over the fields , into the forest . The farmers came running after him . Shouting . Dogs barking . A dog reached , him , barking around his legs . A small one . He tried to kick it , but it was difficult when he was running . Another dog , a big one , came . Bit his leg . He fell . Two others started biting his arms . Fear . Definitely fear . A farmer arrived , stabbed him with a trident . Another hit his head with a big pickaxe . Pain . He was alive . He was beyond doubt alive . Freakinstone was a scientist , and he was crazy . Good old spickedly mad , as they said in the village . After the great destruction , science was still evolving , but at a personal level , like in the old days . He had learned from his father , and he had access to a lot of old technology from the great metal disposal area close to his old castle . He 'd started out with a beetle . Insects were easier , their cells seemed to regenerate faster , and there were more cells that were expendable . The battery assured energy . He pushed the little button . It didn 't move , just lay there . He had to have done something wrong . Somewhere in his calculations there had to be some kind of failure . He picked up his papers when he saw a movement in the corner of his eye . He stopped . Stared . Did the little creep move a leg ? He had moved on to small reptiles , lizards . They moved around , but were quite clumsy and stupid . He had some control over them as well . The first mouse was a great breakthrough . He needed them fresh , so he killed them himself when the electronics were already attached . They moved around more freely , and even though he had his remote they were harder to control than the reptiles , and much harder than the insects . They had more will somehow , if such thing even existed . He needed to complete his work . He needed a human . A human for him to control . It would be very practical to have someone to do all the work around here , so he could focus a hundred percent on his science . He dug up a body from the graveyard . A child , easier to carry . Several nights light could be seen in the tower of his castle . He worked without stopping until it was ready . He turned it on . It started moving a little . Ghhehehehennnsnsnam … . A strange gurgling sound came from the recently revived child . It sounded like it was in pain . Horrible pain . It didn 't move . No eye contact . Some shaking was all the movement he could see . This was no human . It was a vegetable . He turned it off , disappointed . Ah , Freakinstone ! Said the gravedigger . Nice to see you . Could you believe someone dug up a dead body the other day ? It was the Jeff and Alice 's kid , who died from a heart failure . Some people are just crazy , aren 't they ? They … What 's up ? You look strange … What are you doing with that kn … nooo ! Aaaahhh ! ! Help me ! ! ! Ahghhh ! Freakinstone turned the gravedigger 's carriage , poured out the dirt to empty it . He got the dead body into it , and hurried up to his old castle . He had to get started fast , before the body started to rot . Hello ! He said . I eh … You had an … accident ! That 's it , an accident . Now you need to rest . No . No - no - no ! You need to stay down and rest ! The gravedigger grabbed him by the throat . Lifted him up . Lay him down on the same bench he had been lying on himself . Choked him to death . He stood there for a moment . His eyes were blurry , like if the room was full of smoke . Or was it his brain ? He didn 't know . He couldn 't think straight . He felt nothing . Knew nothing . Or at least not much . Some blurry memories , but he wasn 't sure what they was . He wasn 't even sure if he was dead or alive . I stood there , waiting for his move . Trying to look as defenceless as I could , so he would underestimate me when he decided to kill me . One of us was going to die tonight . It wasn 't going to be me . No answer . He was just looking at me , as if he wanted it . Maybe that was it . Maybe he wanted me to put him out of his misery . It bothered me . Not much punishment in that . I preferred the ones who begged for mercy . At least I was going to make it painful . I needed to get out of there . The cops could be there any moment . Some neighbour might have heard the noise , though it probably was quite usual in this neighbourhood . This would be hard to explain . I turned around , took one last look at the macabre symbol on the wall . The face of the little girl was smiling as well . There was a strange glow from it . I got out of there fast . Running down the road I felt different . Like I had changed somehow . I still had the same urge for justice , the same urge for avenging anything wrong in this world . I still felt like the good guy of justice I always had considered myself , but I saw things differently now . The Void Project was going several times light speed through the emptiness of the Dipole Repeller . A void of emptiness in space . No stars . No galaxies . No matter of any kind . This was different . They were crossing total emptiness . Not so many centuries ago people had believed in a lot of restrictions . Light speed as an upper limit of velocity was one of them . They were proving that exploiting the energy of the void was the fastest way of moving man had ever known . The dark energy was inexhaustible . They were accelerating at an enormous rate , literally being sucked through space . Until now . There was no way to get a ship started in the extreme emptiness of the void . They were stuck half way through . No one had ever been in more trouble . C - captain … Said Rebecca . Captain Naufrago looked out of the huge energy field window in front . There was something there . In the total darkness ahead , something was moving . Eyes were staring at them . Eyes big as galaxies . Pupils dark as black holes . The instruments showed nothing , there was nothing around them at all . Still they could see it . Feel it . It was watching them . Something was there , and it was big . Vast as the universe itself . A strange sound of horror . The vessel was vibrating . Sound should be impossible in the total lack of substance they were in , but still , there it was . Darkness . Evil . They knew what it was . It was nothingness . Aether . Where gods could not exist , were souls were devoured by madness . The flames were licking the wood in the vividly burning fireplace . Silence . Everything was beautiful . Johnny was just going to relax tonight , he 'd even switched off his phone . The flames looked almost like living things , small creatures jumping around the black wood . They … . were little creatures ! Johnny was astonished . Little monsters was running around , jumping , dancing . They had little heads , two feet and two arms . He moved closer . What are they ? One on them looked at him . Laughing . It was chopping on to the log with an axe of fire , seeming to form part of him , mixed together in the way of flames . It punched an other one , occupied digging his little claws into the wood , on the shoulder . The other turned . It seemed amused as well . They jumped forward as if they wanted to look closer . Out of the fireplace , down on the wooden floor . Johnny was too astonished to really understand anything . They seemed to have some sort of intelligence , they seemed to be curious about him . They were standing there , contemplating him . Exchanging words or something between them . The wood underneath them was getting black . Smoke . Fuck ! Johnny reacted fast . He caught the ash shovel and tried to put them out . They jumped away , running around , ducking . They seemed scared . Johnny hit one of them . It disappeared like the flame of a blown out candle . The other dived back into the fireplace . Phew ! Said Johnny . That was close . He looked at the blaze . The little fire men were standing in the chimney talking eagerly to the burning log . There are more of them now . The wood chunks were burning harder . The flames rose . Johnny backed away a bit , his face was getting too hot . One of the creatures took a step towards him . Screams . Little fire - creatures came running out of the chimney . They ran up the walls , the curtains . Johnny turned towards the door . A face covered it . Dark and evil . Laughing . Around him danced hundreds of small creatures . They were singing now . He could hear their words , chanting , messing . The king of flames has come to be , the God of flames has come . His big , his hot , and there 's no escape . His big , his hot , and there 's no escape . Sir Morgary lifts his sword . He 's won the battle , there 's no doubt about that . Sir Gregory is on the ground , defeated . But it 's not over . Sir Gregory turns slowly . Morgary sees his eye . A look of defeat . Of hate . Once this man had been his friend . Together they had won battles , they had slaughtered and raped , drunk on victory . That is a long time ago . Strange . Sir Morgary wipes the blood off his blade . He turns around and walks toward his horse . He was bringing news to his king . Now they aren 't all bad . Sir Gregory is standing . His head still lies on the ground , still staring at Morgary . Morgary lifts his sword in disbelief . The lack of logic scares him . He knows how to handle fear . He attacks . Pierces his sword into the headless warrior 's chest . Through the metal . Straight into his heart . His sword 's stuck . The decapitated body stands . The head on the ground starts laughing . First a giggle . Then stronger . It laughs like a madman as it 's body lifts his sword . The sword goes down over Morgary 's right shoulder . It comes out under his left arm . A clean cut . He falls to the ground in two pieces . Gregory picks up his head . He walks over to his dead opponent 's horse . Holds his head up , looking to the east . He jumps up on the animal and rides towards town . Vengeance will be his . The park was as beautiful as always . Kids playing , adults chatting . Life had become so easy . Tanya was sitting on the bench watching actors doing a play . Real art , art created for the art itself , not to survive , not to make money . Her teddy was lying on the bench beside her . She was laughing , applauding . Malak got up between the assembly lines . Gunshots . He ran , stepping on toys and things going down the line . Drones were coming after him . At the end of the line there was an opening . He could see the dark sky . He ran towards the edge . In a distance he could see the cotton fields . Where there once had been people living , cultivating food for their families , now there was cotton as far as the eye could see . Enormous machines were harvesting . Any living creature entering would be killed . Far underneath he saw robots working . Transport vehicles going out through the highly guarded gate . The fall was too high . He turned , wanting to run back , but the drones were coming . A machine gun pointed right at him . Mika 's mother was standing by her kitchen . Tears were running down her cheeks . If the poor child wasn 't back by now , he probably wouldn 't be . How could she send a child on such a dangerous mission ? Regrets . Shame . She heard the hatch open . Malak . He had fallen in the transport vehicle , the toys had reduced his fall . The drones had not been able to detect him underneath them . He had scratches and wounds all over , and his clothes were even worse than when he left , but he was whole and alive . Malak went over the field . It was dark , but the dry sand did not give much shelter . He got closer . There was a hole in the fence . He went through it . A killer robot came by . In a distance he could see the flying ones . He was more scared of the walker , even though the flying ones were usually more dangerous . They moved almost like humans . He got closer to the big factory building . He moved close to the ground so the robots would not see him . Some had lights in front , they were the easy ones to avoid . Others could see in the dark . He got in where the cotton entered the building . He jumped onto the assembly line and let himself be pulled in . All the presents was lying in a big pile in her room . She had so many things she didn 't even have room for them any more . That 's the way life should be , as far as she knew . Today she was going to the park with her mum and dad . They did that a lot . People mostly did what they wanted , no one hardly worked any more . There was no need . Knives cutting the cotton . They were getting closer . Fast . He crawled the opposite way on the band , but not fast enough . A gap on one side , passing by , just for a moment . He jumped in . He came out under the lines . There were robots everywhere . Some seemed harmless , working , moving things . Others he knew from before . He moved under the lines until he found the machine Mika 's mother had told him about . He started screwing off the screws . Removed a plate on the side . There it was , the piece she had shown him . He got it out . The machines stopped . Today was Tanya 's birthday . The last of the many gifts was a teddy bear . A brown one , with a red band around it 's neck . Malak jumped over the barrel and stuck his pointed stick down behind it . Got it ! Proud he held the rat in the air . It was still shaking . Malak and Mika hadn 't seen the world before the automation . Before the great war . They said people worked in the factories and on the fields back then . People were needed . Now things was changed . They said there were other lands far away , on the other side of huge walls and on the other side of the sea . Lands where they used the things made in the factories , ate the food grown in the fields . Here there was nothing . The fields were closed in by electric fences . The factories guarded by robots and drones . The owners no longer needed even to step on their soil . Everything was done by machines . Shhhh ! Said Malak . Get down . They lay on the ground . A robot was passing by . It walked on two legs , had guns for arms . Grenade launchers . A killing machine , hunting humans . Malak had seen them before , many times . He would never forget the day they eradicated his family . They got back home . They opened the little hatch to get into the underground tunnels they lived in . Sewers , they were once called . Now they were homes . Mika 's mother was waiting . Thank God , she said . One rat weren 't much food , but at least it was a big one . She started the electric oven . Lights went out . Not again … She said , and got a torch . She went through a door and down a hallway . She came back with a dark look on her face . A piece of the generator is broken . Your father got into the factory and stole it , but it was a lot less guarded back then . Now it 's even more difficult than when he … She stopped . Mika concentrated of keeping back his tears . Besides , I 'm not as clumsy as you grown ups ! He laughed . She didn 't , but it was settled . Malak would go into the factory . Without electricity they would be doomed . Jaques was sitting in the cockpit of the train looking forward . It was late night , and he couldn 't wait to get home . Find a good movie online , and just relax until he fell asleep . Something strange could be seen in the distance . He stood up . At first he didn 't believe it , these things shouldn 't happen . But it was . Something was coming towards them on the tracks . Another train . It had no lights . He knew it was already too late . Marie and Jerome had gotten a first class ticket . There was good food , and the seats was comfortable . They were sitting in front of each other . Jerome had gotten the better seat , the one facing the way they were going . An elderly lady was sitting beside him . It 's not always safe , said the old woman . Jerome turned towards her . He had to concentrate not to laugh . Strange thing to say out of nowhere . Two trains went opposite directions on the same tracks . They say it was an insurance scam . That the company did it on purpose , and they got away with it , too . Lots of people died . Time seemed to stop when Jerome was mid - air . Everything was changed . The wagon . The people . The furniture was older , the seats had leather cover . The walls were made of wood . A man and a woman were sitting in front of him where his girlfriend just had been . The man had a top hat on his head . His head was crushed , skin floating in the airs as textile under water . Bones sticking out . He was smiling . The woman by his side had a white dress . On some parts . One of her thighs could be seen . It was just a bone , broken into pieces . It was a horrible sight . Reality came back . Like when you get your head out of the silence of the water . Jerome crashed into the seat in front . Marie 's food splashed out on her dress . The woman beside them fell on the floor . She screamed . Her arm was in a strange position , broken . The train had stopped . Jerome looked over to the rest of the passengers . They were all as confused as him . The lady with the broken arm was moaning . Jerome was helping her up in her seat . I guess we 'll have to get going , Jaques said after a while and went back into the locomotive . The train started slowly . Soon they were going again . No one spoke the rest of the journey . After her father died things had gotten worse . Her mother never let her out . Ever . She didn 't go to school . She didn 't have friends . Most of the time she was locked up in her room , like now . Her mother would unlock the door when she needed her . Her only pleasure was to draw . To paint . The Ink . She wet the paper , as she always did . The contours of a tower took form in the glistening water . She dipped the brush in the ink bottle , took it down on the paper , moving it under the roof and down one wall where the darker areas would be . Then she let the ink flow . She loved how it moved . It was like it had a life on it 's own , like if she was the spectator . It was magic . The tower came to life . It was dark . She walked slowly , following the sound . She saw light coming out from under a door further down . She heard voices . Noises . Someone shouting . She knew that voice . Her mother . She couldn 't tell the words , but knew to whom ever she was shouting at , the words would be hurtful . She passed the door , down the dark staircase . She kept following the stairs . Another door . This one was open . She saw her father , dead on the bed . Her mother standing besides him with a knife in her hand . Her back towards her . She turned . Looked right at her . She closed the door and ran . On the bottom of the stairs there was darkness . She heard the crying clearly now . It was her father . She moved slowly , carefully . So much pain . So much sorrow . A light came on . A small flame in an alcohol lamp . She saw herself lying there . She held a rose in her hands . Her throat was cut . You have to go . Now ! His back still towards her . Run ! ! ! He screamed . She turned . Her mother was there . Floating , like liquid . Changing form . Dark , grey and black forms of evil . Laughing . The forms filled the room . She ran . She ran down a long hall . The walls were changing . Twisting . She could hear her mother 's evil laughter . Behind her , in front of her . Everywhere . A light . She ran towards it . Another door . It was closing . She threw herself at it . She fell into the daylight . Turned around , fast , as to defend herself . She saw their house . She was back in the real world , in their yard . The shadows were gone . Jane ? Her mother 's voice from inside the house , upstairs . . She was angry . Jane , where are ? I told you to stay in your room ! How did you get out , anyway ? They had been chased out of the city . His father was dead . His brother . Even his little sister they had killed . Now it was just him and his mother . Slaves in the countryside . The Khmer Rouge had taken advantage of the American bombs and the fear of an external enemy far more powerful . Now they were in control . He had to go out in the early morning , before light broke . The guards were tired after a long night , less attentive . If he was not back before sunrise they would kill them both . Please , don 't , it 's too dangerous ! His mother had begged him . She was asleep when he left . The hunger made him . He passed the guarded zone , but the forest was even worse . Landmines . There were landmines everywhere . The night was dark . No stars . No moon . Just darkness . That was good , he was more difficult to see . Mushrooms . He picked one up . Poisonous . He dropped it and moved on . Something moved . A spider . He went closer . It was not big enough to fill his stomach , but it would be a mouthful for his mother . He had to be careful . Kill it before it bit him . He saw a glow in a distance . A greenish glow in the darkness . It couldn 't be . It mustn 't be . He crouched . The glow came closer . He saw a face . It was . A beautiful woman 's face , but she had no body . A head hovering in the air . Her heart was hanging down underneath her . Ahp . Krasue , as his grandfather had called her . She was even more terrifying than the guards . More dangerous than bombs . More horrible than landmines . He he threw himself down . She moved closer . A moan of suffering escaped her mouth as she passed right above him . Long . Deep . She was searching for blood . She stopped , as if she was listening . Searching . He didn 't move . He didn 't blink . He didn 't breath . He could see the green light on his hands in front of him . The moment lasted forever . She disappeared into the darkness . He lay there for a long time . She could be back . She could be waiting . Light . Daybreak . He got up . Looking around , unsure if she was still there . He ran . He saw guards in the distance . He moved from bush to bush , crouching , creeping . His mother was still sleeping when he entered the hut . She would be hungry today as well . He had made it back , but he was not safe . They never were . I need to run . The fast metal things killed my brother . He 's back there , crushed on the hard ground . Humans everywhere . Everywhere . Nowhere to hide . So I run . I run close to the walls so the humans will not kill me . One screams . Another has a stick . Pain . I get away . Cross the street . More metal things . I jump away , get over to the other side . A hole in the wall . I enter . Am I safe ? Different smells . Food . Humans . Hunger . I need food . Follow the smell . A bucket . Food . Meat . Vegetables . It 's even rotten . I eat . I see humans in a distance , but my hunger is greater than my fear . I keep eating . Something cuts into my back . I turn . A human cut me . He lifts his hand . The sharp thing in his hand . I attack . Bite him . He screams . I run under a bench . Shouts . Humans running around . I 'm trapped . I run for the door . The humans jump away in fear . They fear me . I don 't know why . I 'm running for the door . I 'm doing it . I 'm making it . Just a little bit further . Teeth sink into my flesh , shake me , throw me into the air . I hit the ground . The wounds are deep . My neck feels strange . Broken . Last thing I see is the dog attacking a second time . |
" Oh , now don 't be like that . You can 't possibly feel any sort or remorse for his death . It 's not like you engineered his reaction to those photos , " Jake said as he looked at the tweets coming in from people all over , reacting to the man 's death . " Has been in negotiations for months . I haven 't signed the new one yet . I 'm free to go as I wish . I 'm done with this quasi - journalism you call ' reporting the news . ' This isn 't news . This is sadness . This is making a dollar off someone else 's demise , " I stopped and took a breath . " I 'm sick of it . " I laughed . I couldn 't help the noise coming out of my mouth . I was so angry that it was the only reaction I could come up with . " So ? At least I 'm not pretending to have a conscience now that someone 's dead . You didn 't have any feelings when we posted those photos of the princess and her nipple slip , " " Yes , I did . As a matter of fact , I can show you the tweet that I posted after the photos went live . That 's what kicked off my contact negotiations . I knew you 'd been trying to get rid of me for months , " " Check today 's post . I hope you have fun in divorce court , " I said as I walked out the door . He was bending over my computer , when the post loaded . I heard the cursing down the hallway . The reporters in the cubicle farm looked on as I passed by , I waved at the desk clerk as I stepped into the elevator . She smiled and waved back , giving me a thumbs up as I took the lift to the roof . I stepped out just as a helicopter landed on the pad . He nodded and as soon as I settled in and put the headset on , he climbed back into the front and did his pre - check before taking off . As we flew over Chicago , I smiled . Tomorrow was going to be much better . I have a friend who 's currently in the middle of releasing her first book . Her name is Kai Kiriyama and the book is Blaze Tuesday and the Case of the Night Surgeon . I 'm really excited for my friend and her accomplishments . I 've personally read the book and I liked it very much . There 's more information on her website , theraggedyauthor . com and be sure to pop over tomorrow , August 5th , because she 's hosting a release party with giveaways and an interview on her youtube channel . Details are listed below ! The breeze she caught lifted her up and had her soaring above the city , feathers feeling every vibration in the air and letting her know when to shift her wings or tail feathers . She rode the wind , owning it and reveling in being alone on wing . As she flew across the city to her meeting place , the woman inside the feathers knew to be careful . While owls were seen in the city , she knew she was a little large for the species she was pretending to be . Catching a good breeze , the owl flew to the park on the edge of the city . She took her time checking the area out , making mock runs at small rodents that would run when they saw her . Anyone watching would think she was just any other owl , note her large size and move on . Letting out a loud cry , she mocked catching and eating a small field mouse . Looking the area over , she noted a birder in the bushes and actually had to start eating the mouse she caught . The woman inside the owl mourned the loss and gagged on the thought of eating something that wasn 't cooked . Finishing her meal , she took wing again and flew to another area of the park , performing the same check she had at the previous spot . When she was satisfied that no one was there , she changed forms under a tree . The woman who emerged from the owl 's shape was taller than normal , at five - foot - eight and had short brown hair . Her eyes were a golden - brown and she gave off the vibe that while she was kind and motherly , she would not be toyed with . The woman shook out the cloth of the deep purple dress she wore and started walking . Her back was ram - rod straight , she held herself like a queen as she made her way out of the park . The noise of nails clicking behind her made her pause for a second , then smiled when a familiar wolf came around the corner . The wolf bowed to her , then changed shape into a man . His wolf 's reddish - brown fur became a head of auburn hair . The muzzle of the wolf changed in to a face that while long , held light - green eyes that laughed at some private joke . He shook out the jacket of his dark green suit and looked her over . " Logically , letting those photos leak of that movie star was a perfect check for his personality . Himself won 't see that , of course . He only knows that we 're not supposed to meddle , " she stopped and looked up at him . " The woman in the photos , however , did not deserve it . You 'll remember that the next time , I hope ? " " You still haven 't responded to my question . I 'll let it go for now , but you have to remember that there are some people who don 't deserve to be outed like that . Do better . " " I expect more because I know you can do more , " she said as she stopped walking and looked up at him . " You can do more and do better . I 'm disappointed you let the innocent get caught in that mess . " " Collateral damage , I know . You could have blurred her face , but chose not to . You made her an example when she didn 't need to be one for loving the wrong man . " " I love you , Loki . You 're family . Even if you are a knuckle head , " she said with a smile and tugged on his arm . " Come on , we 're going to be late and I wish to see my husband . " They walked along until a giant bear came ambling toward them . They stopped again and waited , neither one of them raising much alarm at the sight of the huge creature . She smiled up at Loki when the bear changed shape in to a man of powerful height , topping over six - two with a bright head of red hair . A beard was under laughing blue eyes and when he held out his arms to her , she laughed and ran in to them . He laughed and regaled her with tales of his children as the finished the walk to the meeting . They stood outside the 1800 's manse , whose red brick was covered in ivy . The marble statuary that covered the building laughed down at her as she studied the shape . She snorted with disgust . Both men shrugged . It was true she forced them to talk things over and clear the air . They were better friends now than they 'd ever been . Elbowing Loki in the stomach and leaving him there , Hermod laughing at him , and she headed for the dark - haired man in the corner with the deep blue eyes . She loved those eyes . She could get lost in them for hours as they lay in their rooms at home . When he looked up , she smiled brightly . He lost his brooding air and set his glass down before coming to her . There were smiles from the family scattered around the room who saw them together in the chair . Nods of approval when she caught their eye . It felt good to be wanted by not only family , but a man who loved her unconditionally . When he ran his hand through her short brown hair , she smiled up at him . Leaning in , she nuzzled his ear . " If we do , we 'll be lynched , " she replied . " but you have to promise not to say anything just yet . If he drops bad news on us tonight , we 'll need the pick me up after . " He laughed and kissed her hard . Heads turned to them , gave a puzzled look and then turned away . Before questions could be asked , two people walked in and the room fell silent . Nor looked over and nodded to the woman when she caught her eye . The woman with the golden hair smiled at her and winked . Nor jerked in Tyr 's arms and he laughed . A louder round of applause and whooping followed . As they filed over to give their congratulations , there were several crude jokes from the men and soft praises from the women . Nor looked up at Tyr and smiled down at her . They eventually dispersed as Odin and Frigga came over . Frigga held out her hands and Nor gripped them tight . " Be very careful with what you say about my Sister . I 'm very protective of her , " Loki said softly . There was enough edge in his voice to have Odin 's eyebrows raising in surprise . " I 'm tired of constantly being suspected of infidelity because I claim Loki as my brother . I 'm taking the offense , on his and my behalf . I 've kept my vows . On the day I took them , he vowed to me that he would be a brother to me , " the edge in her voice had Odin stepping back and Frigga smiling brightly at her . " I built a family here , All - Father . I 'm not likely to let go of that so easily by breaking a vow I took and still take very seriously , " she said . She stepped out of the embrace of her family . " If you 'll excuse me , I wish to lay down . The air in here has become very foul and I 'm likely to swoon . " She stepped away from the group and made her way out of the room in silence . A servant appeared as she made her way down the hall to the front door and redirected her to a bedroom where she could lay down . As she stepped in to the room , Loki was already there . " He deserved it . I 'm tired of the suspicion . I expect you are too , " she said as she made her way over to him and turned . " Zipper , please . " Loki unzipped the back of her dress and she stepped in to the closet . Five minutes of cursing and fumbling later , she stepped out again , dressed in pajamas . Loki raised an eyebrow at her . " Well , certainly not the scene I wanted to walk in on . The two of you look as though you 're going to bed together , " she stopped them before they could retort . " I said looked . I know the nature of your relationship . " " Oh , I meant it . I 'll place formal charges in the morning . Tonight , I 'm just too tired . Carrying twins will do that to a person . " Frigga shook her head and sighed . " Reconsider in the morning , Nor . Enough people saw what happened tonight for you to be satisfied . I 'm sure they 'll congratulate you for standing up to him . " " I meant what I said , Frigga . I 'm tired of the suspicion . The babies I carry are Tyr 's . He 's the only man I 've been with since taking my vows . " " I know that , Nor . The slap he gave you tonight was not entirely yours . It was to Tyr as well , who 's currently torn between fuming at Odin for being an ass and proud of you for not taking it . " Nor went silent and looked at her . " I 'm acutely aware of just how thin the spot I 'm in is . If I take formal charges , there 's a chance that I could lose everything . If I let it go , he 's likely to do it again . Next time , it might even be worse . Loki can 't level the charges because it was the truth , even though it was a slap to the face . " " Tyr could level the charges , but since he was the wronged party the last time ; He 'd look petty . Odin knew exactly what he was going when he insulted me tonight . He didn 't expect me to slap back . That was his mistake . I am no one 's play toy . " " I think you 're exactly what was needed within this family . Someone who knows her position , uses it and always tells the truth . They don 't know what to do with you , " she said . " They expect lies . When they get someone who tells only the truth , they don 't know what to do with her . It 's why I hang around . " " Loki 's charmed because you don 't hold back . He 's protective because you call him brother and mean it . You treat him like you would your own blood kin . " " He 's family , Frigga . Just as you and the rest are . I claimed you all the minute Tyr brought me inside your circle . I love you all . Even Himself , though he can 't see it . " Frigga came over and kissed her forehead . " I love you too , little one . I 'll leave before Tyr gets here . I know the two of you will want to celebrate . " Grace struggled to wake up hours later . She realized that it was raised voices outside of her door that woke her . With a groan she reached over and pulled a knife out of her nightstand . With a flick of her wrist , she flung it at the door and it hit the door with a solid thunk . The people outside her door suddenly went silent . Grace smiled to herself as she listened to the knife vibrate in the door . Rolling back over , she tucked the covered around her shoulders and snuggled down in to the bed . Grace wasn 't aware that someone had entered the room until the bed dipped behind her . She was up and had a knife in her hand before the person knew what to do . Gabe went still . Grace heard him snap his fingers and the lights came on . She sighed as he pulled the covers down and took a look at her neck . Grace knew the bruises were still there . Grace nuzzled his neck . " I 've got things to do today . I can 't spend it in bed with you , as much as I want to . " " I would know , wouldn 't I ? " Grace said with a grin as she yanked off his shirt and tossed it to the other side . There was another crash and Gabriel laughed . " What ? " Gabriel slid his hands over Grace , touching and testing her response . He followed his hands down her body , tugging off her panties and tossing them aside as soon as he got them down her legs . Her body was tingling everywhere he touched . Grace bit back another whine and wrapped a leg around Gabriel , pulling him close . Before Grace could make a comment , Gabriel moved forward and dipped his head between her legs and she could feel his breath on her sex . As he licked and nibbled , Grace arched up and moaned , wrapping a leg around his shoulders . Gabriel winces when she dug her fingers into his hair , but kept going . When he slid a finger in to her , then two , she moaned louder and shivered again as she climaxed with a gasp . Gabriel pushed his pants over his hips with Grace 's help and when he tossed them over his shoulder , they hit the dresser and scattered everything on top . Grace laughed and rolled over , opening the nightstand drawer and pulling out a condom before tossing it to him . Gabriel looked at her . Gabriel laughed and with a wink , opened the package and took the condom out . As he rolled it on , Grace got up and crawled over to him . She pulled up to meet his lips while kneeling . Gabriel pulled her close by her hips and nudged her legs apart as they fell backwards . They landed with a laugh . Grace nudged Gabriel closer , wrapping her legs around his hips and kissing him . He kissed her back , adjusting himself so he could slide in to her . They both moaned , but Grace was the first to move . She lifted her hips up and rocked them against Gabriel , who gripped her hips . He took the hint and started moving against her . Grace arched back , digging her nails in to his shoulders . Her body was still tingling from her earlier orgasm and building for a new one . Gabriel gritted his teeth as his as built inside of him . His own legs quivered against hers as they rocked with each other , rolling across the bed till Grace was on top . As she moved on top of him , Gabriel groaned . Grace sped up and he surprised her by rubbing her clit in time with the way she was moving . When her eyes flew opened and looked down at him , he grinned up at her and rolled them over . His hand was still on her button as he sped up , his orgasm building . Grace groaned and wrapped her legs around him , letting her head press back in to the pillow as each thrust brought her closer to falling over the cliff with him . As they raced together , Gabriel started murmuring her name over and over again . Grace gasped out his and stiffened , going over the peak . Gabriel tumbled after her a minute later and dropped his head to her shoulder . He was panting as hard as she was . After a minute , Gabriel rolled off her and got rid of the condom . When he came back to bed after cleaning up , Grace opened up her arms and cuddled him close . They lay like that , catching their breath together . Eventually Grace yawned and looked down at Gabriel . Gabriel was the first one to wake later that afternoon . He looked down at Grace who was in his arms and smiled . He eased out of bed after his bladder demanded relief and was on his way back to bed when Grace woke . She sat up and smiled at him . Grace pushed her hair back away from her face and looked at the time . Yawning , she pushed out of bed . Gabriel frowned at her . She caught the frown out of the corner of her eye and laughed . " I 'm not getting back in to bed . I have things to do today , remember ? " she said as she walked in to the bathroom , stopping to wiggle her butt at Gabriel . " if you 're coming , you might as well shower with me . " When they emerged later , laughing and wet , they found Henry entering the room . He turned bright red and slammed the door shut . Gabriel burst in to laughter . Grace snickered as she made her way to her closet , picking up discarded clothing along the way before dumping it in to the basket just outside of her closet . Gabriel followed her in to the closet and goosed her as she hunted for clothes . Slapping his chest and thrusting clothes at him , Grace kicked him out of the closet while she dressed . He whined and pouted the whole way , but Gabriel went out and got dressed . Grace emerged from the closet clad in jeans and a t - shirt . She carried her shoes to the chaise and sat down , pulling on the sock that she had tucked in to the shoes before leaving the closet . The chucks weren 't the most practical of training shoes , but with Gabriel here , she might not need to train with Henry today . " Yeah and as feisty as ever . His congregation took out a were pack a couple of months ago . He 's been recovering ever since , " Grace caught Gabriel 's look of concern . " Shoulder slash . No bad damage . I sent Sloane to take care of it . " Grace handed them over and the two worked in near silence as they made breakfast together . Just as they were sitting down to eat , Henry walked in . When he saw them his cheeks turned bright red . " Sorry about this morning . Sloane told me to check on you . Said that Gabriel had arrived , " Henry said as he sat down . " she also wanted me to tell you that he passed the password check . " " Good . Then you 're going to train with Gabriel today . Hand to hand and sword if there 's time , " Grace said as she shoveled more omelette in to her mouth and chewed . She swallowed before speaking again . " I have to take inventory of the weapons room and call Father O ' Brian for more blessed silver . Sloan says we 're nearly out . " Grace pushed away her empty plate and looked at Henry . " I know I haven 't given you much of a chance to take all of this in , but you 're doing pretty well . Are you sure you 're not freaking out and just too scared to say anything ? " " It 's a lot to take in , that 's for sure . But , " he paused . " Everything you 've said would happen has happened . You haven 't lied to me about anything so far . I 've seen things down in the Arena too that make all this , more preferable to being there . " Grace nodded . " Any time you have trouble with anything , you need to speak up . I will not have you going through a mental break down in the middle of a job . Understand ? " Henry gave Gabriel a wan smile and followed him out . Grace chuckled as she placed all the dishes in the sink for her housekeeper and made he way to the weapons room . Stepping in to the room , Grace smiled at what she saw . Sloane was at a table in the center of the room , polishing a broadsword that Grace had used to decapitate a vampire nearly ninety years ago . " You 're in love with Michael , who doesn 't want you . Gabriel loves you , but you don 't love him . Not that way , not yet at least . Himself 's Son professes his love , but you used it to break the binding . " " Have Alan cut another Yew tree for the stakes . He and his brother can do the initial carving for us . I 'll place the orders for the rest today after I speak with Father O ' Brian . " " Alan 's on vacation this week . We 're not likely to need the stakes any time soon . I 'll have him cut it when he gets back . We will need lamb 's blood though . There 's a nasty Djinni in Vegas attracting a lot of attention , " Sloane said as she got up from the table and handed over the lists . " It already is , just not for what they want it to be . I 'll take care of it , " Grace said as she flipped through the pages . " Thank you , by the way . " Grace was left alone to make her calls . The first one was not to Father O ' Brian . It was too late to call him . She 'd have to wait until three am to make that call . Grace walked to her office at the back of the weapons room and entered with her list . Bookshelves that were packed lined every wall of the room and a huge oak desk dominated the center with a matching chair . Grace turned on the lights and pulled the chair out . She sat down , list in hand and sighed . " Then this has to stop . I can 't keep loving you and getting rejected . My heart isn 't strong enough anymore , " Grace said as she sat back in her chair , eyes downcast and wet . He left in his usual fashion , there one second , gone the next . Grace sighed and picked up the phone . She called The Hunter 's cell phone first , left a message when no one answered . The Wanderer was the same thing . Grace was about to call The Librarian when Michael reappeared . His head snapped up and fire lit in his eyes . " I 'm bound . I can 't do anything about it . I didn 't want to be bound , but He did it anyway . I cannot refuse His order . " " Won 't . You won 't lie . There 's a difference ! " Grace said as she surged forward and pounded a fist on her desk . " Won 't , then . I won 't lie to save your heart , which I know is breaking . I am not for you , I never was . " " No . You are not forgiven yet . I need time to think about it and work out my anger , " Grace said , looking at him . " I need to talk to Gabriel as well . " " Which became void the second I found out he 's bound to me . I know His Law just as well as you do . You 're the one who taught me . " Michael sighed . " Despite what you may have heard , I do not hate you for who you are . I hate myself for wanting you when I have no right to hope for what Gabriel has . " Michael snorted and Grace decided that she 'd had enough of interrogating him , so she dropped a bomb on his brain . She picked up a pen and sketched the symbol that she saw in the church . When she was done , Grace pushed the sketch across the desk . " No Grace , " Michael said as he stood up , sketch in hand . " Bring them all in . Every single hunter you 've trained on my orders . Bring them in . " " Protect the innocent . That 's our motto . I can 't knowingly bring in every single hunter I 've trained in the last thirty years ! I 'd be leaving the whole of the US without any kind of protection ! " They nodded and left , already looking like a team . Grace smiled . They 'd be good together . Grace opened up her drawer and picked up her black book that kept every number for her hunters . It was going to be a long day . Grace turned on her radio and kept it low while she made her calls . While waiting for a hunter to get back to her , she noticed the song on the radio long enough to smile . Grace leaned against her arms as they were propped on top of the guard rail of the bridge just outside of Cadillac , Michigan . She watched the sunset as Henry puked up his lunch on the other side of the bridge . Looking over her shoulder with a smirk , she shook her head and looked back out at the sky . Grace laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes . She stumbled back to the car , still giggling and plopped herself in the front seat , legs hanging out the side . She leaned back against her hands as she waited for Henry to stop puking . She was humming along with Michael Buble 's version of Home when Henry opened the door and sat down . He groaned as he leaned his head back against the seat and Grace grinned . Just as Grace finished talking , Henry clutched his stomach and ran for the bridge again . Grace laughed until a yawn interrupted her enjoyment of Henry 's situation . Shaking it off and rolling her shoulders , Grace started the car and turned the radio on . She was settling in behind the wheel when a patrol car came up behind them . Grace sighed and turned the car off again . Henry was still dry heaving on the side of the bridge when the cop inside the car stepped out and walked up to Grace . She closed the door before the cop asked her to and held her license , the Athlete 's license , the Fury 's registration and insurance papers out the window . He smiled . The cop laughed with her . Grace read his name plate and decided that Officer Dillow seemed like a pretty jovial guy . He looked her paperwork over and then flashed his torch over at Henry . " That 's too bad . I 'm sorry to hear that . It would probably be best if you moved along before night fall . This bridge doesn 't have any lights and we 've had more than a few accidents from people stopping on the bridge . " With a wink he was off and walking to his car . Henry groaned and Grace started the car . She was pulling away when the officer got back in to his car and turned off his lights . " I had to have a place where people wouldn 't find it weird that the same family had owned the property for over a hundred years , " Grace said . She stole a glance at Henry , who was pale and sweating in the seat next to her . " I also needed a place where it wouldn 't be odd if that same family named all their first - born daughters Grace . " Henry shook his head and curled up in the seat tighter . He was shaking again . Grace reached in the back and pulled a blanket from the seat . She tossed it to him and went back to driving . " Yeah . She 's fifth generation on the property . The family takes care of it while I 'm gone . They know who I am and what I 'm trying to do , " Grace said as she glanced in the rear view mirror for the fifth time . The officer was following them , she was sure of it . Grace gunned the engine and whipped around a turn , heading in to a national park . She killed the lights and the engine after hiding the car behind a group of buildings . Henry shot her a look that clearly expressed his annoyance with her . She touched a finger to her lips and dug her gun out of her bag . Grace left the car quietly , circling around to where she could get a clear view of the road that they just came down . Grace settled in to wait and wasn 't surprised when the cop turned down the lane , lights on and spot light searching for the car . Grace was just about to get up when a hand landed on her shoulder . Another came around and closed off her scream . Grace relaxed and elbowed Gabriel to let go of her . They both couched down and waited while the cop circled the lot and buildings before driving off again . Grace waited until she was sure he was gone before getting up and turning to look at Gabriel . " You 'll heal , or you won 't . Either way , you 're not my problem . You 're his , " Grace said as she pointed at Satan in his dog form . Grace grinned and headed north on the highway . " No . You 're stomach is still too tender for my battle stories from the Wars and the Arena . " Grace hiccuped , laughing harder . " Those are going to sting when they come out in a week . He 's going to have a hard time doing anything . " They dissolved into laughter again . They got themselves together again by the time Grace had to make a turn on to another highway . Both Henry and Grace were breathing hard and laughing at each other whenever they caught an eye . They eventually settled down and Henry soon fell asleep , leaving Grace to drive the distance with just the soft sounds of the local radio stations coming from the Fury 's speakers . She drove like that for over two hours before her cell phone rang . Swearing , Grace snatched the device off her purse and answered if before Henry woke up again . She was started to feel for him what she felt for her sisters long ago . " Doesn 't matter what I used to be , it 's the way I am now . I 've accepted that , Michael . I just wish you hadn 't asked me and then held it against me , " Grace said with a sigh . Silence followed Grace 's declaration . Grace almost pulled over to the side of the road so she could cry , but changed her mind . She needed to get to Paradise and check in with Eden . When Michael didn 't answer her after five minutes , Grace pressed the end call button . It was nearly dawn when Grace pulled in to the brick covered drive of her Eden . The driveway was nearly a mile long and the forest that surrounded the grounds was thick . They came across a huge stone fence with a lychgate . She beeped the horn at the gate twice and woke Henry up , who stared at the huge wrought iron gate as it swung back . When she was sure that the gate was closed and no one had followed them inside , Grace continued up the driveway . The house came into view as they rounded a thicket of blackberry bushes . Henry 's jaw dropped as he saw Eden . The lights on the house cast an eerie glow in the fading night . It looked almost haunted . Grace pulled through the porte - cochere and to the carriage house behind the walls of the castle that Grace had built into the woods . The Carriage house itself felt like a mini - version of the main house , with only one tower in the middle . The garages underneath made Henry think of horses in stalls instead of cars . " You were only in there an equivalent to one Earth month and I only put years on to your contract . Compared to some of the others , you got off with a song , " she said as she went to the driver 's side back door and opened it . Grace pulled out her purse and left Henry to grab his things . She was halfway to the backdoor of the house when a woman swung out , laughing . Grace dropped her things and ran for her , laughing as they came together in a tight hug . When they separated , Grace kissed the younger woman 's forehead , laughing . " I 'm sorry , my poppet . I can 't stay here all the time . Though I wish I could , " Grace said as she tugged on a black strand of the woman 's hair . Henry sheepishly ducked his head and nodded . Sloane tucked her arm through Henry 's and marched him forward . Grace smiled as she picked up her things and followed . " Proud to do it , too . She eventually realized that she needed to keep us around and made my family caretakers , which was unheard of back then . An Indian family promoted above a white family ! ? The scandal , " Sloane said with glee dancing in her eyes . " The white families I employed left after that and more of her relatives arrived to take their places , " Grace said as she put her bags down in the hallway and stood with Sloane and Henry . " It was an improvement . I never had to worry that her family was going to leave , because they were happy to be accepted for what they were . " " True , but he loved your mother , " Grace said , tucking Sloane in to her arm and kissing her forehead . " Okay , are the rooms ready ? I 'm exhausted . " Grace sighed . " Well there 's nothing I can do about it now . I am going to give them a good thrashing if they come back in one piece . " " I 'm not mad at you , hon . I 'm pissed they went without proper back up . They could have asked anyone to go with them , but they 're twenty and twenty - four . I can 't expect them to behave properly at that age . " " You couldn 't have stopped them , " Henry spoke up . " I was that age once . They 're not likely to listen until one of them gets hurt or worse . Then they 'll realize they still have more to learn . " Grace nodded and wrapped an arm around Sloane . " I raised the three of you as my own when your parents were killed . I love all three of you . Your brothers test my patience though and I will deal with them . You don 't have anything to feel guilty over . Understand ? " " Good . Now you might be the youngest at nineteen , but that 's not going to stop them from trying to blame you . Don 't take it and say it 's okay , because it 's not , " Grace stopped and tipped Sloane 's chin up . " You are not to blame for their bone - headed decisions . " " It 's her favorite room in the house , with exception for the one she uses . You are still in the Japan room , right ? " Grace asked as she turned to the right at the top of the stairs and headed down the hall . Sloane laughed . " Hell no . I 'm glad they 're out of my house . The only time they come in here is for the library and the weapons rooms . Speaking of those rooms , we 're low on blessed silver . " Sloane nodded . " There 's more we 're low on , but I 'll save it for tomorrow . The bullets are the more important one . " " It is . If you don 't like that one , there are others to choose from on this floor . You 're welcome to any one of them , " Grace said as she and Sloane continued to the next door in the hallway . " Sleep yourself out , Henry . You were sick today and you need to heal . " " So you 've been helping out with the kids and then studying for your college classes at night , " Grace said . She put her hands on her hips and studied Sloane . " I thought I warned you about that . " " What ? You thought I meant going to a real college like U of M ? No honey . I wanted you to go find your own passion and follow it . If that means you become a Herbalist instead of a medical doctor , then that 's what you do . It 's your passion . " Grace hugged Sloane tightly and rubbed her hand down her back . " I want you to be happy . If this makes you happy , then that 's what you 're going to do . First though , you 're going to find a good program to go to . " Grace got up and started pulling out night - clothes from the drawers of her dresser and flipped on the radio . The strains of Michael Buble 's Home drifted out and she laughed . Singing along , Grace showered and dressed again . She collapsed in to bed after turning off the radio as she passed , but the song stayed in her head until the long drive caught up with her and she drifted off . Author 's note : While I think the people of Sibley , Iowa might be incensed that I took liberties with their town , this particular story needs an abandoned church . So I created one for my alternate universe . All names and places in this part of the story have been changed to protect their owners . Thank you . " Yes and that 's bad . No Angel has fallen in years . The last time , we had two world wars . " Grace said as she got out of the car . Grace spun around and faced Henry . " You didn 't know Demons existed until ten years ago , when you sold your soul to me . I fought in the wars . It was not pretty to see what one Fallen could do to an entire people if given enough power . " Grace laughed . " No , I 'm not . I fought for Hell against the Angels because I was forced to . I 've killed more than my fair share of Michael 's brethren while trying to save those I could at Michael 's command . " Henry followed her in and looked around the reception area . It was decorated in LL Bean Americana , but felt like home that people actually lived in . Henry smiled at a Russian nesting doll on the mantle of the fireplace . He didn 't notice that Grace was standing next to him again , nudging his arm with her elbow . Grace smiled . " Come on . Let 's get the bags . They had two rooms , other wise dear cousin , we 'd have to share . " Grace pulled out her bags and scooped up another duffel before closing the trunk again . Henry reached in to the backseat to pull the bag that had the athlete 's clothes . They hadn 't had time to stop and get him new clothes yet , which Henry thought about as he hefted the bag . " The local diner for dinner , then the town bar . I 've been in a hundred towns like this one over the years . There is always both and in those places , there are busy - bodies who know everything , " Grace said as she climbed the steps and walked in to the inn . " You 're welcome . I 'll see you in an hour . I need to shower and change , " Grace said as she unlocked her door and stepped in , closing the door behind her . An hour later , Grace emerged with wet hair and pulling on her coat . She tossed her bag over her shoulder and settled it cross body before locking her door . Henry stepped out of his room just as she turned to knock on his door . " Let it go , Henry . You 're not the same person you were before you sold your soul . You are a Demon 's familiar now , " Grace said as she walked the rest of the way down the steps and out the front door . " I 'm here because of you . You left in quite a hurry after we spoke at Bell Harbor , " he said as he stepped forward and cupped her chin . " Father said he saw you with an Angel . I came to see if it was true . " Grace looked down . Her nerves were wire thin and she prayed he didn 't see her fidgeting as a sign that she was lying to him . She had to play it just right so he wouldn 't kill her . Luke sighed and pulled her close . " You couldn 't have known that we already tried to turn him , " he kissed her hair and continued . " Stay away from him . I know Father already talked to you , but I 'm asking you not to go near him . I don 't want to have to put the chains on you again . " " I 'll have to take that . I don 't want to have to kill you either . I 'd hate for my prize to be sullied by an Angel , " He said as he stepped back . He was gone a second later . " I don 't blame you for being who you are now or then , " Gabriel said as he ran a hand over her cheek . " just be careful . Luke isn 't to be trusted . His father either . " " His father has been making noises about forcing me to take The Blood . I can 't become one of them , Gabe . I won 't , " " It 's the final rite for Demons . To take The Blood is to become a full Demon . Grace here has resisted and they 've let her because she 's valuable to them . " " He was one of my contracts . Sold his soul for his wife 's health so they could have babies . Three kids and ten years later , he ended up in the Arena . " " All the better that she got you out . I know it doesn 't seem like it now , being contracted to her , but you 're really in the best hands . She 's one of the better demons . " " Yeah . If its true and it 's her , you 'll need more held than one fledgling . Contact the Hunter and the Wanderer . You 'll need them both . " " Nope . I was looking for Michael on the battlefield to tell him that I would accept a mission . I found Gabriel first and let him in on the secret so that he could send a message to Michael . " Grace walked over to her car and got in . Henry followed , slipping in to the other side . As Grace started the car and backed out , Henry was watching her . " You got a raw deal , even though I had to take the contract . I 'm giving you the second chance I 've always wanted , " she said as she looked over at him . " You don 't like that answer . " The Hostess smiled . " Well now , Ya 'll go talk to my Uncle down at the library tomorrow . He 'll give you all the good bits about the Church . " Grace knocked on Henry 's door the next morning and kept knocking until he answered . Somewhere around the fifth round of drinks last night at the local bad , she 'd lost him to a drunken stupor . Grace wouldn 't make that mistake again and she doubted that Henry would either . He slept through her visit to see the Hostesses Uncle . Grace eyed him over . He looked like he 'd been in bed for a week with the flu . Grace held up a container of coffee and waved a huge omelette under his nose . Henry got one whiff of both and was clutching his stomach and stumbling for the bathroom . Grace grinned . The sound of Henry throwing up followed her statement . Grace grinned and stepped inside his room , putting the coffee and food on the little table against one wall . She was reading the paper when he came out of the bathroom ten minutes later . " Fallen Angels tend to pick sad spots like this one to start their dirty work . Even the ones who haven 't yet Fallen gravitate to spots like the one outside of town , " Grace explained . " We 're going to head out there tonight after nightfall to take a peek . With luck , we can kill him tonight . I don 't hold much hope for that though . " " The Angel isn 't in the area right now . Bob , that would be Maisy 's uncle , says that the biggest activity is around the full moon . That 's in a week . " " No . We 're going to head out tomorrow so I can pick up a soul or two . I 've still got to collect contracts that have come due and you 're going to read my journals . " " Yeah , that 's so . Don 't worry , Henry . I 'll train you to take care of yourself . Who knows ? You may even like doing this sort of thing , " Grace said as she stole a piece of bacon out of the take out container . " That 's why you 've got me . You 'll be fine … ish . I can 't guarantee that you won 't get banged up . " " I 've met a couple of them . Not fun . Came back as a dog . Anyway , get cleaned up . We 're going shopping later . You need new clothes for sulking around in a church , " Grace said as she got up and let herself out . " Consecrated ground has power , which doesn 't mix well with Demons . Even ones who haven 't taken blood , it affects us , " Grace hissed out . " You 'll feel it , the more time you spend as a Demon . For now , just keep an eye out for anything weird . " Grace lifted her flashlight up and shined it over the walls . She knew what she was looking for and prayed it wasn 't the Earth Guardian 's symbol she found . Henry moved away to search the walls on the other side , but kept her within view . Grace approved . She concentrated on her side and moved along the other wall , searching for anything that might give her a clue . Grace moved over to Henry 's side carefully , there was still debris from the fire on the ground . She made her way over to an alcove that would have held a saint statue , but now the statue was broken and on the floor . When Grace saw who the saint was , she smiled . " Well , World War One was started by an Authority that Fell . This is two ranks above that , " Grace said as she grabbed Henry 's arm and hauled him out of the church . On the way out , she tripped over a cell phone laying in an aisle . Grace scooped it up and then grabbed Henry , pushing him out of the door . " We 're leaving , " Grace said as she practically ran for the car . " I need to call for more help and let Gabriel know what 's going on here . This is the worst kind of not good there is . " Grace got in to the car and started the engine , threw it in reverse and sped back to the Inn . She ran up the steps and to her room , Henry on her heels . As Grace was stuffing her things back in to her bag , Henry came in and saw what she was doing . He went to his own room and grabbed his things . " We 're getting out of here now and we 're not coming back until we 've got more help . I can 't kill a Seraphim with only a familiar . Hell , I probably couldn 't do it with an entire fucking garrison of level three Angels . " " Gabe , it 's Grace . We 've got a bigger problem . It 's a Seraphim . Heading to Paradise and Eden . Calling in help from the Hunter and the Wanderer . I might even pull in the Librarian . Stay on guard . Stay safe . Warn Michael , " Grace said as she hung up the phone and tossed it on to her bag , which was laying in the middle of the seat between them . " They 're the good guys , Henry . I 'll explain more when we get to Paradise . It 's not safe to talk about it until then . Not with a Seraphim in danger of Falling , " Grace said as she checked her rear view mirror again . The diner smelled of home fries and eggs when Grace stepped through the door . She smiled and walked to the back booth , nodding at the waitress along the way . Michael was sitting in the booth , sipping a cup of coffee and faking a bored expression . She was sure that he was watching the whole diner from where he sat . Grace could see that her ankles were giving her trouble and after a life time of being a waitress , it looked like she was heading for a wheelchair soon . Wiggling her fingers at the lady 's feet , Grace used some of her magic to ease the woman 's pain . When she was done , she turned back to Michael , who was smiling at her . " For starters . If they found out that I 've been using you to investigate disturbances ? I 'd be cast out for giving secrets to the enemy , never mind that I 've got you bound so that you can 't , " Michael said . " Can I have an extra plate ? My friend here is going to split this with me . He hasn 't eaten , " Grace said with a roll of her eyes . The waitress brought over the plate and set it down in front of Michael , along with silverware . She smiled and hurried off to answer another customer 's call . Grace cut her pancakes in half and slid them over to Michael , then gave him an egg and half of her bacon . Michael stared at her . Grace refused to look at him , instead concentrated on the plate in front of her . With a sigh , Michael started eating . Two bites in he became ravenous and started eyeing her egg after polishing off the plate in front of him . " Gabriel never played by the rules and never will . I like that about him . Plus , he doesn 't constantly remind me of something I was asked to do on His behalf . " Grace said as she dropped bills on the table and picked up the folder . " Yes , you did . I 'm a Demon . You can 't sleep with a demon or be in love with one because it ruins your precious image , " Grace said as she slipped the folder in to her saddle bag with her laptop . " Why ? What 's so different about then and now ? " Grace demanded . " I 've been patient and you still deny me , no , us . You deny us . Why ? " Grace felt like she 'd been slapped and it hurt worse than what her Prince had done to her . " Then there 's nothing to talk about . Send Gabriel next time . I don 't want to see you again . " " That 's your choice , but that file ? You 're going to need a partner . Find one . Make it someone you can trust , since you can 't trust me . " " I 'll take it under advisement . " Grace said as she put her helmet on and climbed on her bike . " I 'm ditching the bike for the winter . She 'll be in storage until May at least . " " If you must , " Michael said as he dug in to his pocket and tossed her a set of keys . " Take my car . I 'm not using it right now . " " Gabriel isn 't what you are to me . Gabriel is fun . Neither one of us takes it seriously , " Grace said as she kicked her bike to life . " You just think it is because you 're jealous when you don 't have to be . " Grace pulled in to the garage where she was going to pick up the car and parked the bike . Her senses had been driving her nuts for the last hour and she was fairly certain that she was being followed . As soon as she swung her leg off the bike and turned around , she spotted the black dog at the entrance to the garage . " I make it a habit to tell the truth to my King . If one doesn 't , they run the course of losing their existence . I very much would like to keep mine . " " I 'm hoping you won 't . I took a big risk to try to turn the General . I hope his Majesty would be pleased that I took such initiative . " Grace waited until he was gone and then let out the breath she was holding while looking down at her hands , they were shaking . Clinching her fists , she walked to the storage bay where the car was located . Grace fumbled with the keys . Taking a few calming breaths , she slid the key in to the lock and turned . The light on the bay went from red to green and she pushed the button to release the door . Grace waited while the door opened before she got a good look at the car inside . Laughing , she rolled her eyes . It was a 1972 Ford Fury in a deep purple . Grace ran her hand over the car as she walked to the driver 's side , opened the door and sat down behind the wheel . Running her hand over the steering wheel , she stuck the key in to the ignition and started the car . A deep rumble and then a purr greeted her and made Grace smile . Grace was on highway 81 heading for Nebraska when she remembered Michael 's warning about getting a partner . With a sigh , she pulled off the road in Concordia , Kansas and checked in to a motel . Hauling her gear in to the room and dumping it on one of the two double beds before looking around . " A dump . This is what you 've stooped to Grace , " she muttered to herself as she set up her laptop to look for recent coma patients in the area . She would need a body for Henry when he accepted the deal . An hour later she struck gold with an athlete who got drunk and ended up in a car accident . There was no family , just the town keeping him in a coma until he was declared brain - dead . Grace scribbled down the address of the hospital and then checked the doors to make sure the room was locked . She didn 't want anyone coming inside while she was in the pit . Closing her eyes , Grace snapped her fingers . She hated traveling below with her eyes open . Grace walked along the cells until she found what she was looking for . Henry was laying on a cot , looking up at the ceiling . There were fresh bruises and cuts on his chest and arms . " Just a small incantation that prevents you from speaking whatever I 've told you , " she ground out through gritted teeth . " I need a partner . You 're it . " Grace heated her hand and pressed her brand in to his arm . Henry screamed , then sagged against the bars . She waited until he recovered and then turned to go . Henry closed his eyes . Grace closed hers and snapped her fingers . The smell of the hotel room told her she was back topside . Henry was standing next to her , but in ghost form . " Don 't talk , just listen . You 're in your soul form . This means that you can 't do anything until I get you in to a body . I 'm going to put you in a soul globe until I can do that , okay ? " Henry 's ghost nodded . Grace pulled a globe out of her pack and pushed Henry 's soul in to it . A flash of white light and the globe turned from clear to being full of a rolling blue mist . Tossing the bag strap over her head , she headed out of the hotel room and down to the car . Grace started the car up after sliding in and headed to the hospital . Before she got there though , she pulled off to the side of the road and called Michael on her cell phone and left a message when it didn 't go through . " He saw us . Send Gabriel until it 's safe . I have a partner . Heading to Iowa next , " Grace fought the urge to add an I love you and hung up . She pulled out in to the road again and didn 't stop until she reached the hospital . Using her gifts to mask her presence , Grace headed up to the third floor where the athlete 's body was still on life support . Grace jogged down the hall and in to the room . Tossing a handful of sleep dust at the doctor about to pull the plug on the athlete , she caught him before he fell and pushed him in to a chair . Grace walked back over and peeked out the door before closing it and pulling Henry 's globe out of her bag . Looking down at Henry 's new body , she smiled . The athlete was twenty - one and in prime health . " Nope . I need a partner . That means you need to be healthy . I 've switched bodies too many times to count in the last one hundred fifty years . " " Too bad . That 's what it is now , " Grace said . She came over and helped Henry remove the IV from his arm before going back to her station at the door . " Sleep dust is hard to get , so I don 't like to very often . I tossed enough on him to keep him asleep for a couple of hours , but hurry up . I want out of here . Hospitals give me the willies . " Grace glared at him over her shoulder and saw that he was nearly dressed . She watches as he pulled his shoes on and then walk over to her . Grace took his hand and tugged him out the door , pulling her magic in place to hide their passage . " Michael 's got something he needs to take a look at and advised me that I needed a partner . So I pulled you of the pit because I knew I could trust you . Between your natural goodness and the mark on your arm , your pretty much stuck . " " I believe that you mean it , but that doesn 't change the fact that you still ran from me when it came time to collect your soul . You 've got to prove that you won 't before I can trust you . Now come on , we need to move before the police start looking for the man you are now . " With that , Grace left the room and headed to the car . She tossed everything in to the front seat so that Henry could lie down in the back until they were out of the town . When they pulled out of the parking lot , Henry waited until they were fifteen miles down the road before talking again . " Yep . One who 's not acting like an angel should . That 's bad , by the way . It means he 's going to fall and the last thing the world needs right now is another Fallen like Lucifer . " " As the sky is blue . You 're going to learn a lot over the next couple of weeks . I 've been doing this kind of work for nearly fifty years now . " " It never quite balances out , honestly . I 'm hoping for something big so that I can at least make it in to purgatory . From there , It 's not so clear . " Henry smiled over at her . Grace smiled back and turned on the radio . Molly Hatchet 's " Flirtin with disaster " floated out of the speakers and Grace smiled wider . Tapping her fingers on the wheel , she sang along : @ angel _ ponders Have you tried rolling the clothes yet ? That helped me immensely . Also , there a couple of Japanese f … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … 1 day ago |
Ephraim , Utah 7 Jan . 1857 . Father died , 5 Jan . 1924 . Mother , died 5 Sept . 1933 . Both died in Mapleton . They were married in the old endowment house three years and became a school teacher . How long she taught , I do not know . This is a short introduction of my father and mother . From here on I will I will tell you some hole . A flood ran them out . They built a log cabin with two rooms . Their bedroom was in the attic . The entrance was a pole ladder that went to a deer and bring them to town and butcher them . Mother said she had to feed the men five times a day . Uncle Pete wasn 't married then , but was folks rented a ranch from Dick Garrett about ten miles West of Sanford . When on that ranch I was born . Being so far from a mid - wife , ( there were brother , for my entrance into this world which was in Sanford . I was born in Sanford 6 November 1890 . I can 't ever remember living on the Garrett game we used to play quite a bit was baseball . Now we didn 't have bought bats . Sometimes we didn 't even have a mask for the catcher , so we would save round pole , and our balls were made from yarn . We would wind them just as tight as we could . Then we got quite expert at putting covers on had . We had two stores in town . They 'd sell candy and nuts . We 'd have games and races and what not . Oh , we just had a great time . then on the 24th of July we usually had a sham battle . They 'd have an immigrant train come in from I started to tell you was the money we had for our holidays . Many a 4th and 24th I got 25 cents . That had to do me . My folks just didn 't have any money . Money was scarce in those days . There wasn 't any circulating around , but we worked in this part of the valley were farmers or cattlemen or sheepmen . There was no industry , not even a dairy . We had to milk our own cows . We couldn 't sell any . The only thing we could sell was to make it put up stacks and stacks of hay every Summer . It seemed to me like we worked at it all Summer long . We had a number of acres of our own hay . Then we went out on a ranch and put up hay on got older , I got playing ball with the Sanford baseball team . By this time , I had a pony . I 'll tell you about that pony later on . Father would tell me about 11 o ' clock on a another day on the other half of the fence . Father was cutting a load of poles , and I was riding the fence . I got half way around and was coming to year I went to the academy again , and passed the eighth grade . Then I went one more year . I got very good grades in the first year of him mad , and as I came down , he hit me in the eye . It almost caused a free - for - all . I called for time to get the tears out of my I turned 20 , I went to Denver for the Winter . I wanted to get some experience in the carpenter trade . I 'll tell you how I started in that later on . I went to Denver with a fellow by the name of think it 's about time for you to make something . " Mother said , " Make a wash stand . " Lorin designed it , and I went to work on it , and Orin , my youngest son , remember one house we were on was down on the Hagard ranch . Ernest was a small boy . He wanted a burro . So , I bought two burros from Mr . Hagard . He wouldn 't sell just one of them , so I had Ernest took that burro and trained it . He couldn 't ride it with anything but a bridle on it . Father was running a store by this time . He 'd ride it over to the store and tie it up would come out and put the bridle on him and get on him and ride away . It 's funny how you can train a burro . They 're a mighty smart animal . I loose . The grass was knee high . It was my turn to go get the horses . Mr . Spencer , at that time was a U . S . step back to keep her from running over me . She had her head back , looking back . As she passed me , I wondered why I didn 't shoot her . About that time she dropped dead . I went and dressed it . When I got into camp , Mr . Spencer said , " Where have you been ? " I said , " Well the horses were over the second canyon . " He said , " Oh . " My breakfast was sitting on the table , and I said , " What would you do with a fellow if he killed a deer ? " He said , " I 'd help him eat it . " So we left the horse unharnessed and his boy and I went out and got the you 'd let him pull the other hook around until another one got on . You didn 't take them out for one fish . You always got two everytime you took fish off . Maybe that 's the reason I don 't like fish so was while we were in this camp that our last load was to be gotten . We only had one load to get . Mr . Spencer went to Creed after it . His son , Marvin , and I stayed and hunted them , " No . " They said , " You can 't work . " I went back home , and Father said , " What did they tell you ? " I told him . Bert Whitting was there . Bert East side on the windows , casing them and installing them . I took the West side . I finished it before that bunch did . Then I went over to the inside entrance doors meeting and would be discussing things . When I would say anything , Father would say , " What do you know ? . I got so that I didn 't take any active part just as Charlie was , and Father came down . I had five or six of them all done . Boy , did he tell me off , and he ran me right out of there , and he told he examined my work , looked it all over , congratulated me on it , and said , " Will you finish the office ? " I said , " Yes , I 'll be happy to finish the office . " I was only in this room three days . That gave me six dollars a day for my was the first Mutual basketball team in the Church . The second one was from Salem . We played Salem several times . Then Nephi got one and it spread from there , it was left up on Father 's and Rastus ' farm . When I came in , I had a horse and buggy to take her out with . When and I had to beat Horace Fuller 's time because she was engaged to him . I finally did . We became engaged , and I got the size of her and he thought it would be nice for me to go with him . He knew I had a little money saved . I said , " No " I 'm going to get married . " He said to me . " Who to ? ' I said , " Elda Peterson . " He her parents consent , and I don 't have to have yours . " So , we 're going to get married . " We got married on 12 January 1916 , just one went to town one day to buy some hardware for a small cabinet . Father saw her writing out a check , he came in from Colorado . He beat her to me , and he said , " Do you think it 's business for a woman and we 're going to stay that way . " " I don 't think that 's good business . " Later on in this narrative , we will show you of 8 acre ground and paid $ 1 , 900 for it . Chris helped me borrow the money . About that time , Father decided that he would come and help me , so he that sugar factory , I was getting rich , I thought . I was getting 50 cents an hour . We worked 10 hours a day . That 'd give me $ 30 a week . We were sure getting ahead at that time , but I went out to on the West Mountain , they came back after me to come back . Here 's what they wanted . They had an engineer there . They were going to send him on another job carpenter foreman . I said , " Well , I have a very good job . I believe I will stay with it . " What made me make that decision was that I brothers of mine , and her brother Roy . While I was there , I built my first boat . We fished , hunted ducks , and took rides , and that 's time I became what they called in those days , a walking boss . Now it is classed as a general foreman . When it became cold , Elda went to her there I went down to Carbon County and worked on the Carbon County mines camp . They were new mines in those days . I worked building homes , hotels , post morning , working eight hours before noon . Elda would come and get me and transfer me to another job . I would eat my lunch on the road . Then she would come and get me when my Salt Lake and studying architecture under Waren Staganza . He said , " Why in the world didn 't you come to me ? " I would have lent you all the money you Grandmother Peterson were born in Denmark . They came to this country as immigrants and converts of the Church . They met and were married . They had two children by this marriage . Grandfather was a very hard - working , there . He had to come home . It settled in his leg , and it was amputated . He bought him an artificial leg . He tried awful hard to wear that leg , but he did . He said , " Oh , I just experimented on you . I cut the bone straight off . I never trimmed the edges . " He said , " We 'll have to do it again . " I said , it 'll be a free job this was a very beautiful woman in her younger days . They had two children . Your mother was the oldest , her name was Elda . She was born 5 December , 1895 . Roy was born a few years later . I don 't know just when . Those were the only two children that they pick up anything I could find to work . We went into their surface well and got us a drink of water . Brother Peterson came out and talked to me , and pick up Grant when Grant got to be old enough and take him with him . Oh , did Grant enjoy his grandfather . I don 't believe Earl remembers very much Church welfare during this period of hard times for him . But they were very thrifty . One day they decided to buy a new stove . I remember your mother telling me about an Evans girl , and she stayed with us ten days . When we got Elda out of bed she left us . That was to early , so she started doing her own work . Earl got the colic , he was sure a hard baby to dish , and put the button down and lit the cloth . In olden days , they called that a bitch . That was our light for that night . Of course , the next day we rustled a showed her what was wrong with that roof . So , she went down and jumped on Mr . Whitney . When he got hold of me , he said , " Now , I don 't approve of you turning me to leave , Grant and I got into the car . Of course , I had to back up to turn around . The Model T had pedals , and you pushed a big ash tree and cave the back of that car in . It broke the tail lights off which were coal oil . I pushed that back out , and I had to remodel then , so he wasn 't in the car with me . Every place I went in that car , Grant had to go . That new automobile cost me $ 618 . I remember that so well . Six hundred and eighteen dollars was a mighty it ? " and I told him . He looked at me , and he said , " Well I haven 't long to wait . " It wasn 't just a few minutes , maybe a half you 'll give us a bond for $ 1800 , we will change it over . " So , that 's what I did . I gave them the bond , and we changed it over , will go on to the time of La Rea 's birth . Several months before she was born , Elda got despondent . She would sit there and plan what I was to do born in our little cellar under the wash house in Mapleton . They kept the women in bed still ten days . Of course she thought it was awfully hot down floor . We stayed right there . We didn 't travel like we do now . The roads weren 't good . We built that house for Ray on a wage happy there until we got it far enough ahead so that I had it finished . We put a furnace in a year or two later . We had it with only a cook stove . I 'll tell you , it was cold . Sometime before La Rhea was born , Father was the mayor of Mapleton . His health was failing him . He decided resign . Leo Harmer , being a member of the council , was Christmas we went over to Burroston 's to spend Christmas with them . Thirty four below zero . We made a bed in the back of the truck , a representative came and asked me to sign a lien right of way . I said , " Well , that 's hardly right . " He said , " Well , I 'll tell he could help me out , give me some advice . This is the H . T . Reynolds that I spoke of before . He said , " Now , let me talk to him . I mother , Elda , went out to cook for us . Rhea was very small at the time . She had never been away from a toilet . We had to camp out around Strawberry that night . Elda put a big diaper on her . When we got out and pitched camp of course we one other thing that I want to tell while it 's on my mind . We were digging holes for the piers . Some of them were 20 feet deep . Our camp was right close to the bridge uncovered . He examined it . We dug a hole for him to see how deep it was . He patted me on the back and said , " You go ahead and use that sand . " You don 't even have to wash it . " Oh , that was a god - send for me . I believe when I got through with the money I had , so we had to pert near starve coming home . I watched the gasoline . Well , we started up Price Canyon . We got part way ( the job was a very poor job ) home , clear home without anything to eat . We didn 't travel like we do now . It took quite a while to come from there home . But , boy was it good to get home and find that we could get in where it was warm . That is my starting of road work . From then on , for sixteen years , it was one job after another . Sometimes I would contract , and other times , morning , and I got a little nervous . That old seventh sense said , " You better get home . " So , I took Byron Diamond ( he was kind of a foreman for me ) and told him City . I had to put up a camp there . Your mother wanted to go up and cook . Oran was just a baby , just a baby , just a so much a meal , and she could run the boarding house and have the profit . I did pretty well on the job . She did pretty well . She could run that boarding house and make on the side of this Chevrolet truck I had , and we ran it with that . He ran the pump . Then he and Earl got to clipping wires to tie of that project , a fellow by the name of Creer had that contract . They called it the Wasatch Grading Company . Well , Lynn Creer was the superintendent . I went and asked him if he would hold up shooting the hill off until we could get by . We were with in 100 yards of that when he shot it up . We had to by - pass and go around . It took us nearly all day to get over to Park City , he got mad at her and kicked her out . So , she came over to our place . It was the only place that she could go to decided . She said , " Yes , I have . " He said , " Would you mind telling me what you want ? " So , she told him . He turned to me and asked if that was alright . I said , " She 's making the decision . " So , he said , " We 'll have to borrow the money before we can give it to you . Then we 'll have to take you over to court witness stand , she sat down and said , " That wasn 't a bit hard was it ? " I said , " No , we 've been telling you that all the time . " Those things worry some people that haven 't good to her , and he paid her what she asked . We used to go down there to parties and one thing or another . We got very well acquainted with Mr . died , so she moved up to Uncle Roy 's . Roy had a trailer house and she moved in there . We helped support her . She had no ready cash . While lie down to rest , sleep for maybe an hour or two . Then she would cook dinner . I sure enjoyed Grandma . She was one wonderful woman . After I got so well acquainted with her , the superintendent , and I think we 'll take care of it . " So , I did . I took it up with the superintendent , and he said , " We 'll take care of that next hurt . I went on home . That 's the mistake I made . I quit going to Church . I 'm the loser . I 'm the one that wasn 't big enough to take that hears my voice , if their feelings are hurt , to swallow it . Go right on . Attend your church because when you stay out of church for a certain hotel , there in Denver , his head was looking down . He never said a word for quite some time . He said , " Jim , I was only a voice in that . I know that she will live . " And she did ! She lived for four to see her , went in the house , so she was going to sit down . " No , no , no . I want you to keep moving around . " He said , " I never thought that you would walk another step . There is some power which is much higher than our science that we have today . " That is quite a testimony to me . I Know I didn 't keep in touch , in harmony with our Lord . So , it was quite a while before I got another the pictures that were on the mantle . There were quite a few on there . Grant was right in the heat of World War II . I picked up his picture and started word from him that he had been wounded . Well , I had to go back to Georgia to see him . That was another testimony . Your mother wasn 't with me she was in went and asked his mother and father if we hadn 't ought to administer to him . They both sanctioned it . We got Bishop Childs and his father and I room . She started crying . I went over and put my arms around her . I said , " your boy 's going to be all right . " She said , " I knew it , Dad , just as soon as I saw your face . " Wendell came out just beaming , put his arms wanted me to come down and be a concrete foreman . I didn 't ask any questions . I got in my car and took off . When I got down there and reported to the " When are you going to pour concrete ? " I said , " When I get things lined out here and get organized . " He said , " Well , you ought to be pouring . " I said , " We 'll pour this afternoon or tomorrow . " When he came out the next time , he said , " How many you got poured today ? " I told him . He said , " Well , I guess I had better leave you alone . You know what you are doing . " I had those boys organized so that when we that we tried to tromp it down in the steel . The steel was five inches apart each way . I remember that so well . I would go to him and say , " We 're not covering the steel . It 's got to be porous . " And he said , " Oh , your doing fine . " After a while I went to him and said , " Just let me put one quart more of water per batch . " The measuring devise was on top of the back with a smile on his face , and he said , " You know , you learned me something . " I said , " Have I ? " He said , " Yes . My concrete only stood 2 , 000 pounds per square inch and yours went 6 , 000 pounds per square inch out of the same material . " He said , " I 'm not going to bother you any more . You pour this concrete the way you template , and he showed me just what he wanted . He wanted the slopes to be rounding on the top . We were supposed to use that and round it level and stand there and give those cat skinners a signal . We agreed on a signal . They were very cooperative with me . They knew that I knew nothing about it . I built two miles of road , and some of the there about a half day and finally they came down to me and said , " Put the grader on that . We 're not going to red top that . You 've got it so close , you just go ahead and had to take out was two bolts on each side of them and slip out a wedge . Those forms would come right out . My superintendent , he said to make forms for that bullets and I helped put it over . They wanted me to move down there , fetch my family down there . I said , " No , I don 't like the environment down here , and I won 't fetch my think he found out what they wanted me to do . He made the job awfully miserable for me . I worked there about a week . I took it for almost a week . Then I went into Winnemucca and called up Mr . a cement man up to Logan , and I have not been able to find one . " He said , " Will you go up there for awhile ? Will you go up there and do the job ? " And I said , " I 've got to go back to Dodge Brothers just as quickly as they call and go south with him and look over a bridge job and help him figure it . He wanted to put me on it . I said , " Nope . You fired me up and take the job over . I said , " No , I 'm working for Wilfred now . I 'm going to go out to Moab and work for him . " So , I worked for Wilfred for quite a little often wanted to build a very fine home for somebody . Dr . Don Merrill 's job came up . I decided to bid on it . Well , I was successful in the bidding . It was on eighth north and University was the nicest homes that I have ever built . It was three stories , basement , first story and second story . The bedrooms were up stairs . During this period of time , the clothes chute one way and three inches the other way . Several years later I went to Dr . Don Merrill for an examination . We sat and talked about one thing and another was the only remodeling he had done . Then I asked him about the clothes chute from upstairs . He said , " We got a sheet in it , and we 've never been able to get that up or understand that its out there on that location . So , they bought a big piece of ground out in Orem . They 're going to build a bunch more buildings they decided to put the school over in Provo and centralize it . The coordinator 's name was W . E . Johnson . He wanted me to be a teacher over there and back , " No . " I wasn 't going to take a crew . Finally he came back , and said , " Well , they say you got to take a the country . " I said , " That doesn 't bother me any . That 's none of my business . " He called me quite a name . I laid my glasses on a pile of lumber and Decoration Day came , she gathered flowers and gave them away . The pleasure of giving was her reward . A flower club was organized . Elda became president . The Kiwanis Club asked her to talk on was to build a rock wall on each side of the creek . It has been accomplished . Every time I see that wall , memories come back , very happy ones . Well , I was a mighty lonesome man for some time . Mr . Tolman , My superintendent , sent word by Lorin . He was working for him . And he came over to the funeral . He got me off to one side , and he said , " Now , I want you to stay home for a it . He put his arm around me . " James , " he said , " I know how to sympathize with you . I lost my first wife . " That 's the first time I heard him say do today ? " Shall I take my tools . " And he said , " no sir , you look over the job today . I have Steve Miller and Don Watts looking cleaning establishment west of the bank was . I didn 't build that one , but I did build the soft water . I remodeled quite a number of other buildings go in the service , and I kept putting him off . Finally , he got old enough so that he could volunteer . He was so light due to his eating habits that went down through the Panama Canal and across the seas . He got over to Guam , I think it was . But , I 'm not going to try to tell his life service , they weren 't the boys I sent into the service . They had changed so much . I don 't know They have developed and I am proud of the boys and of my daughter . I was mighty lonesome during this would call up from Palmyra and say , " I 'm coming up to cook you dinner . " I sure enjoyed that sweet old lady . She slept about two thirds of the time when one lady , and I guess I was kind of lonesome . Anyway , we got kind of friendly . Marcellus , he thought he was doing something by getting me a to go to the show , and we went to the show . When we got home , she got out , and I had to take her home . I took her out several times . Her oldest boy , Carl , and her oldest girl , could get along , that their mother was too hard to get along with . I thought , " What kind of kids are those ? " But , still I went with her , and finally we got married . We weren 't meant for one another . That 's all I 'm going to say about it . We stayed married two years , the got a started working on myself to hating cigarettes . Thirteen years later , after I lost her , I was put in a hospital . Oran came over and wanted to know where my ash tray was . I told him I didn 't have one . He said , " What have you done quit ? " I said , " I don 't know . " He said , " I 'll tell you , Dad , I 'll quit smoking if you will . " I said , " Put your cigarettes away because I have quit . " He quit for two weeks , then started our divorce , six or eight months later , I started taking a lady out . I went with her for almost three years . I was just a little bit afraid of her daughter . We didn 't get married . She was a very fine lady . We split up after about three years . Then I chased around alone for a little us wanted to ever have a partner again , so we were going to keep company . In about six months we got married . I think you children are pretty well operated on when we discovered she had a lump in her breast . I insisted that we have that taken . I lost your mother with cancer . We went over and had that taken , and it was hunting the fibers and one thing and another with that cancer . And it looks like they got it 100 % . It 's over five years now , and they claim that since then , and she can 't take trips . Oh , we go to Salt Lake or Park City . Last Summer we went out to Meeker , Colorado . We took two days to go out there which is motion for me to come and pick her up when she walked far enough . But , we made it clear home in one day . That is the longest trip that Rose has had Vernon Curtis , and Kenneth Curtis . Kenneth is the youngest in the family . And I believe I have the respect of all those children . I know I respect every one of them . I think a lot of them . My experience in this family has been very streets and walks man in Springville . Kenneth works over in Geneva . Vernon has a very good job down in California with an ink company . Sylvia has lost her first husband , Mr . bought in on a lumber yard with Ross Bradford . It is located up here on fourth east and fourth south . After operating that for some years , Grant and and I was talking pretty hard to have us buy it out . He said , " The bank won 't go along with us . " I said , " Let 's go down and see . " So , we went down and talked to the bankers at their home , and they told that Model T Ford , I had to work 176 days , which was quite a bit of work . Now we 'll take the Fairlane , the one I drive today . It is $ 2400 . Carpenter wages are $ 36 per day less some estimated taxes , $ 8 , leaving a Dictator , Studebaker , quite a big car with a small motor . It held 20 gallons of gas . We left quite early in the morning . Instead of taking a day and a half to go out , was sleeping in by the name of Melvin Morgan . We all hurried and got in bed and asked him to blow the light out . You should have seen the maneuvers he all the electricity that was in that room . No wash basin or running water . They fetched us a pitcher of water , and we had a wash bowl . No inside toilets . They usually had one outside or what we hold them or take them to a fence and tie them up . They were scared to death of that rig . Dr . Skenk owned this car . He was a doctor in La Jara . He did quite a bit of practicing in Sanford . He 's the man that got that automobile . The first time he fetched it to Sanford , the came out to see that automobile go by . We were right on the main thoroughfare for Sanford 's main street . The farmers worried quite a bit about the remember when the Wrights made their first flight . It was only a few feet . People made quite a fuss over it . They didn 't think they would make a success of it . But , they kept fooling with it , and then more money or bigger factories that way , so we got up and waited for it . When it flew over , that was quite a sight for us . To see that man sitting up there . He must have had some pretty good clothes to rode from St . Paul Minnesota to Salt Lake in what we call a turbo - jet . We flew over 20 , 000 feet high . When we got over Fort Bridger , Wyoming , he morning the freeway we were on was quite empty . All the cars were coming into town . I never saw so many cars in 30 miles in al my life . I don 't remember how many lanes there were , by the name of Bill Grooms fetched it out to Kiwanis one night . I was a member at that time . He tried to give us a program , but the a little experience with my grandsons today . Grant sent two of his boys over to help me get some stumps out . They sure treated me swell . They sure did a fine job , and I am so awfully put this on tape and for her to work so hard to type it and correct it . Then she 's going to retype it for me . We want to have it as good as we can because it was pretty easy to smear this ink that we used . We used Indian Ink . Everything was there . I had the tracing over the drawings . She stopped and looked at it and studied going to see if I can 't do that . " When I got home that night , she had that whole sheet traced . It was beautiful work . It was the first work she had done , and it her . " I said , " Max look at that check . It has both our names on it . " It was joint account . That didn 't make any difference to him . He razzed me nearly all that week . He never got any more checks signed by and I had 27 years and three months together , and she passed away . I went for several years as a widower . On night over at a dance ( I started going to want to get married , but anyway we went together for about six months . Then we got married . Rose and I , as far as I 'm concerned , have BlodeueddJuly 2 , 2013 at 12 : 02 PMHi , ok this is totally out of the blue . But I was researching my grandmother 's grandfather and landed on one of your older interesting posts . Anyway he seems to be a dead end as all sites are just evil . But I wonder if you would be able to help ? He came to Eureka in 1906 / 7 , might have worked in a mine there then . Honestly just throwing this out there as all genealogy sites drives me insane . If there is any possibility then I can give some more info and I can be found through my profileReplyDeleteGeneJuly 3 , 2013 at 7 : 30 AMJ . C . would have been a boy of 16 / 17 years old at the time . I only have some of his stories he wrote and other family stories . Nothing about Eureka . Sorry ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
In this letter , Robert Walton wrote to his sister Margaret Saville . She lives in England and her brother is from Russia . Walton wrote about the weather in Petersburgh , about the breeze and the cold , and also about what he thinks of the North Pole . He thinks that it is a beautiful region and not just a place of frost and with icy climes . He wants to take a voyage , because he has the intention to discover places and lands that people had never visited before and he wants also to find a passage near the Pole . Robert Walton is a very curious and brave man . As a child he always read volumes about voyages , but he could never go on an expedition because his father died and his uncle never allowed him to go on a long journey . When he was younger he often went with whale - fishers on many trips to the North Sea , because he wanted to prepare his body . So he voluntarily suffered for cold , famine , thirst and want of sleep . He also worked harder and longer than the other ones , and studied at night . At the end of the letter he said that the cold is bearable if you wear furs and move around on the deck , so the cold isn 't the problem , but his spirit , he is often depressed . Walton wrote a second letter to his sister and wrote about the fact that he has hired a vessel and that he is collecting his sailors in Archangel , but in this letter he talks particularly about his feelings : he has no friends , no one to talk to . He 's a lonely man and desires a friend , who could participate in his joy and help him through hard times . He also talks about his lieutenant , who is brave and desirous of glory . This man did not have a job , so Walton proposed him to come with him . Also the master is a very brave man and he is remarkable for his gentleness and mildness . In the letter he says that the weather was good and that he maybe would sail sooner , but he doesn 't want to do things rashly , he is prudent . Walton wrote a third letter to let his sister know that he is safe and that his expedition is proceeding fine . This letter would arrive in England thanks to a merchantman . They have already reached a high latitude and the southern gales continue to blow them towards the north . During the trip there were just two stiff gales and the springing of a leak . Robert Walton is happy that nothing worse had happened . On Monday 31st of July an accident happened : the vessel was surronded by ice and couldn 't move and it was foggy , so they weren 't able to see what was happening around them . They waited and hoped for the weather to change . At the end it became better and when they looked around , they just saw ice everywhere . Then , suddenly a gigant figure appeared . He was drawn by dogs on a sledge and he was far away so he disappeared soon later . So , maybe , if there was someone , the land mustn 't have been far away as they had supposed . Fortunately the ice broke , but they prefered to wait for the next morning . The following morning there was a man with a dog and a sledge on the ice near the vessel and he was in bad conditions , so they brought him on the deck and helped him . Walton thought that he was an interesting person and after some days the man explained why he was travelling on the ice : He was seeking the one who fled from him and the other sailors told him that they had seen a man just the day before . The man 's health got better and he spent most time in the cabin of Walton . In his second letter Walton said that he wanted a friend and in those days he was starting to love the man as a brother . The stranger felt much better and started to pass some time on the deck and watched around in order to see the man on the sledge that he was seeking . The man was gentle , wise and cultivated . Walton and the stranger talked sometimes about Walton 's expedition , about their past and their feelings . Robert discovered that the stranger was unhappy and had a broken soul , but despite of this he was a person who could feel and appreciate the beautiful nature and the particular regions . One day the stranger went to Walton and told him that he would tell him his story . Walton felt gratified by this and the narrative would probably help him understand the stranger better . Victor Frankenstein is a Genevese and his family is one of the most important families of the republic , because his ancestors were counsellors and syndics . Besides that , his father was respected by everyone and had much to do for the country . Victor 's father had a friend named Beaufort and before he became poor , he was known for his position . He felt ashamed and didn 't want to live there anymore , so he moved to Lucerne with his daughter . The father of Victor wanted to help him by giving him some money . Beaufort had an abode in the city where he stayed , thanks to the money that he had saved of his fortunes . He could maintain himself and his daughter for some months . Beaufort didn 't find an employment and became very sad , so sad that he couldn 't do anything . His daughter , Caroline , did plain work and with the little money that she earned , she wanted to support life . The situation became worse and her father died . Victor 's father found Caroline and brought her to his house . Two years later they married . Caroline had been shaken by her past and Victor 's father wanted to give her whatever she needed and to fulfil her desires . After their marriage they went on a trip and travelled to Italy , to Germany and France . Victor Frankenstein , who was born in Naples , was their only child and went with them on their journeys . After some time Caroline wanted to have a daughter , but Victor was still the only child . One day Victor 's father went to Milan and Caroline and Victor went to visit an abode , where they found a peasant with his wife and five children . Caroline was attracted by one of the babies . The peasant 's wife explained her , that the baby wasn 't hers , but the daughter of a nobleman , who lived in Milan . She told them that the baby 's mother had died early and the father of it too , so the baby became an orphan and lived with this poor family . When Victor 's father returned from Milan he found Victor playing with the baby . Elizabeth Lavenza became part of the family and she was for Victor , more than a simple cousin . She was the inmate of their house . They grew up together and there was just about one year difference in their ages . Victor didn 't consider her as a stranger and even if their characters were different , they were very close to each other . Elizabeth was calmer than Victor and interested in the aerial creations of poets . Time later a second son was born and Victor 's parents stopped wandering and remained in their native country . During school , Victor found an important friend : Henry Clerval , the son of a merchant of Geneva . Victor had had a nice childhood and he had been grateful , not only for his good conditions , but also for his kind parents . As a child he was curious and wanted to learn and study , not languages or the code of governments , but he wanted to understand the secrets of heaven and the world , the nature and the earth . The world was a big secret for him , and the laws of nature attracted him . His friend Henry , instead , desired to become a benefactor and wanted people to remember him as a heroe in the future . During Victor 's childhood his feelings and the fact that he wanted to know about the world around him became enthusiasm and passion . He loved Natural Philosophy . When Victor was thirteen years old , he went with his family to a pleasure party to the baths ( near Thonon ) and one day they the weather wasn 't good , so they had to stay inside . Victor found a book by Cornelius Agrippa in the house , and read it . He thought it was very interesting , so he wanted to read other books too , not just by him . Of course Agrippa was one the first ones , but Victor liked this kind of philosophers much more than the modern ones . When Victor was fifteen years old , they went to their other house near Belrive and one day there was a thunder - storm . Victor saw a beautiful oak , not far away from their house , and it was on fire . The next day they went to the tree with a man , who was interested in Natural Philosophy . When they arrived , they found just a little wood and the man began to talk about electricity and galvanism . Victor started being interested in those fields . When Victor was seventeen years old , his parents told him that he should go to the University of Ingolstadt , in order to complete his studies . But before he went to Universtity something terrible happened . Elizabeth became sick , she had the scarlet fever and Caroline was very worried , so she attended her sickbed and became ill , too . Her daughter recovered from her illness , but Caroline died . They had seen her every day and it was strange to think that his mother had disappeared forever , but they had all to move on . After this sad event , Victor didn 't go immediately to University , but stayed with his family for a couple of weeks . He desired to see his cousin Elizabeth happy , indeed she was just hiding her sadness . Then the day in which he had to leave his family arrived . His friend Clerval also asked his father if he could accompany Victor and study at that University , too , but his father didn 't let him . It was hard for Victor to leave his father , Elizabeth and Clerval that day , he always had been surrounded by them . After a long travel he arrived and went in went to his apartment . The day after he met his professor of Natural Philosophy , M . Krempe , and told him what he had learned about that subject . The professor told Victor that he had wasted his time and that he had to begin his studies entirely anew . M . Krempe wrote down a list of the books that Victor had to find . He didn 't like M . Krempe . A few days after he participated at a lecture of M . Waldman . He was his Chemistry professor and a nice person and Victor met him also privately and told him what he had studied during high school . He was understanding . Thanks to him he decided to study science , and with this decision he also decided his future . So , Victor started his studies and soon he passed very much time studying Natural Philosophy and Chemistry . He attended the lectures and then , also M . Krempe became a good professor for him , even if he had his own manners and ways to do . M . Waldman , instead , was like a friend , who helped him with his apprehension . Victor progressed every day and he thought that in other subjects and studies you just go as far as the people who studied before , but in science , there would be always new discoveries , there was no end , never . He was so good at that university and he studied so much that he even improved some chemical instruments . Time passed and he wanted to return to his native country and family , because he didn 't improve anymore , but something happened . He was suddenly attracted by the human body , life and death . He wanted to know what caused life and what death . So he started studying anatomy . When he was a child he never thought about supernatural horrors or superstitions , but at university he started examining and analisyng everything . After some time he became even able to give animation to lifeless matter . It was incredible , but he needed something which could receive the animation , like something which had fibres , muscles and veins . He had to create a being like him , it would take a long time , but he decided to create a gigant being . So , he collected materials for several months and started with his enterprise and worked hard . Time passed and he didn 't think anymore about his family or friends while he was working in his chamber , separated from all the others . Victor never wrote them any letters . He worked even during the summer , because nature didn 't attract him anymore . He was very concentrated and everything proceeded well . He worked so much that he became a little sick , but he promised himself that he would enjoy and rest as soon as he finished his gigant being . It was a November night when Victor gave animation to his gigant being and the being opened his yellow eyes and moved his limbs . He was terrifying . The being was eight feet in height , his skin was yellow , his hair was black , his teeth white and his lips were black . Victor , who worked so hard for that being and who didn 't care about his health and even became sick , was scared and in that moment all his enthusiasm vanished . Victor was disgusted . The man escaped , ran downstairs and went in the courtyard of the house in which he lived . He passed the night there , but didn 't sleep . He was really shocked . The next morning he went outside on the streets , Victor didn 't have the intention to return to his apartment , but also didn 't know where he was going . Suddenly he stopped for a few minutes and then fixed a coach that was coming towards him . The coach stopped just in front of him : his friend Henry Clerval was inside . For a moment Victor forgot the monster that he had created and felt happy . They walked together towardVictor 's College and Henry explained him that his father allowed him to come to Ingolstadt , he also noticed that his friend seemed sick and tired . Victor opened the door slowly and was really agitated , but then he realized that the monster wasn 't in his room anymore and he felt very very relieved . Victor jumped around and Henry asked him which was the reason of his exaggerated happiness . In that moment Victor remembered the monster . During that period he became very ill and Henry cured him for several months and Victor explained him the cause of all that and first , his friend , couldn 't believe it . When Victor felt better , Henry gave him a letter by Elizabeth . In the letter Elizabeth said that her family and she were very worried about his health and his condition and that she wanted him to send a letter . She also wanted him to come back home as soon as he would feel better . Elizabeth explained him the story of a girl named Justine Moritz , that started to live with them as a servant , because Elizabeth 's aunt noticed how badly she was treated by her mother . Elizabeth 's aunt and Justine were very close and had a nice relationship , besides that the aunt wanted to give her also a superior education . Justine became very sad when Elizabeth 's aunt died and soon also her brothers and sisters died . After this sad event Justine 's mother obliged her to come back and to live with her again . She was a terrible mother and even a little mad : sometimes she begged Justine to forgive her and other times she said that Justine caused the death of her brothers and sisters . Then , after some time , Madame Mortiz died and Justine lived again with Elizabeth and the other members of the family . Elizabeth talked also about what happened and changed in their town . When Victor finished reading the letter , he wrote one on his own , even if it was hard for him , because he had not entirely recovered from his illness , but he felt better . He started to hate everything which was connected with science . Clerval removed all the instruments and apparatus that Victor used for his creation and they even changed room . Victor also didn 't want to hear the word " Natural Philosophy " or anything that could remind him of the mistake that he had made . When Victor saw the professors , like M . Waldman or M . Krempe , it was a torture for him . Time passed and he stayed at university during the summer . He had the intention to return home towards the end of autumn , but then things were postponed and during the winter the streets were icy . He wanted to leave university in May , in order to visit his family , but Henry proposed him to go on a pedestrian tour in Ingolstadt . Victor recovered entirely and accepted his proposal and thanks to his good friend Henry , who had always supported him , he started to love nature again and he was as happy as he had been years before . When Victor returned from his journey with Henry he found a letter from his father , Alphonse Frankenstein . Alphonse wrote in his letter that they all waited for him to come home , but he warned Victor : there wouldn 't be a happy and delighted welcome , because William died and they were all depressed . Victor had two brothers : Ernest , who was older ( 16 years old ) and wanted to start a military career , and William , who was much younger . It happened on a Thursday , when Elizabeth , Alphonse and the two children went to Plainpalais to walk . Suddenly Ernest and William disappeared and at the end just Ernest returned . They found William at five o ' clock in the morning and he was dead : someone had murdered him . Victor had the intention to return home and he was very nervous . He left his college and went towards Geneva . During his travel he remained two days at Lausanne , then he arrived at Geneva but the gates of the town were closed . So , he had to stay at Secheron , which was a village in the proximity . He didn 't want to pass the night there , so he decided to go to the place where William died . He arrived at Plainpalais by boat , because he had to cross a lake . He walked a bit and then he saw something terrifying : it was a gigant creature . He realized that it was the gigant being that he had created long time before , the gigant being whom he had given animation . Victor was frightened , he knew that he had a murderer in front of his eyes . He was sure about the fact that the being was the one , who killed his little brother . Fortunately the monster didn 't kill or injure him . Victor saw him again , for the fist time after two years . Early in the morning Victor arrived at his father 's house and his brother Ernest greeted him . Ernest explained him the situation and told him that Elizabeth was the most wretched and that she accused herself of the death of William , even if it wasn 't her fault . Victor was sad and his brother told him that they maybe found the murderer . At that point Victor was shocked , but when Ernest told him the name of the murderer he calmed down , nevertheless he was sorry because he knew exacly that Justine Mortiz wasn 't the murderess . Afterwards , Alphonse and Elizabeth joined the group and they talked about poor Justine , who was accused and they all hoped that she would be acquitted . At eleven o ' clock of the same day , the trial commenced . Victor caused all that and Justine , who was innocent , was accused . At the beginning , Justine was calm and wasn 't worried . But there were many facts that weren 't clear about her and people said that she had been strange when she returned home the morning after William 's death . Justine didn 't sleep at home that night and she also had a picture of Caroline in her pocket ; it was William 's image and he took it always with him , when he was alive . So , people thought that she was the murderess . Justine explained everything : she passed the evening with her aunt , who lived at Chene and when she was returning home , she met a man , that asked her about a young boy . So , Justine was worried and started searching the boy , because she thought it was William , the one who was searched by the man . Time passed and the gates of Geneva closed , so she couldn 't return home . Justine passed the night in a barn of a cottage . She heard some steps the next day , that awoke her , and at last she returned home . Justine wasn 't able to explain the fact about William 's picture in her pocket , probably the murderer put it there . After Justine 's explanation , the witnesses were called out . Elizabeth talked very well about her and said that she was an amiable person , who could not have any reasons to do something similar . Victor had feelings of guilt during the court , so he rushed out . At the end Justine confessed , even if she was innocent and Elizabeth and Victor , who both still believed in her innocence , were desperate . Justine was in prison now and Elizabeth and Victor , who couldn 't sleep at night , visited her . The convicted woman and Elizabeth talked and cried for a couple of hours . Elizabeth wanted to prove her innocence , but it was impossibile . Victor didn 't talk , he felt agony and remained in the corner of the prison chamber , he had never felt this bad in his life . The following day , Justine died . Victor was the real murderer , he had caused the death of two people and cVolume Two : Victor regretted his action : the creation of a moster , that had killed two people , while he was already alive . It wasn 't fair and he knew that . Victor was seized by remorse and senses of guilt , and solitude was his consolation . His father Alphonse saw his pain and grief , but couldn 't do anything for his son . In those days , they went to stay for some time at their other house at Belrive . It was different at Belrive : people could go outside whenever they wanted and there weren 't gates and walls around the little city , which closed in the evening . So , Victor went outside any the night and took the boat to cross the lake or just stayed upon the water for some time . There , he started to reflect . Sometimes he wished to disappear in the lake , but he couldn 't , he had to be behind his family and help them through their sorrow . Victor was worried , because he was sure that this was just the beginning of a tragedy : the monster would act again and commit a new crime . Alphonse 's health was influenced by the sad events that happened and Elizabeth wasn 't the happy and delighted woman , that she was time before , anymore . Sometimes she talked with Victor and explained him how she felt and what kind of reflections she had . Elizabeth spoke about Justine 's death and her sadness , but she noticed Victor 's pain and saw that he was the one who was suffering the most . She told him to calm down and to think about his friends , that were around him and about his beautiful native land which surrounded him . He had to stay positive . But nothing , not even those words could take the pain away . Most of the time Victor was able to control his emotions , but sometimes he had to change place . So , during one of his hard moments , he took a horse and went towards the valley of Chamounix . He knew that valley , because he had visited it as a child . During his little journey he saw castles , beautiful mountains and was fashinated by the magnificent nature around him . Then he crossed the bridge of Pèlissier and arrived in the valley . AfterwardsChapter 2 : The next day he went through the valley and spent his time there , by looking around at the beautiful nature , that could not take his sorrow away , but it consoled him a little . Again he passed the night there and when he woke up the next morning , he decided to ascend to the summit of a mount , named Mountanvert . He decided to do it , because nature had the effect to make him forget his pain for some time . Victor started to ascend the glacier without a guide and the ascent was precipitous and dangerous : it was raining , there were broken trees everywhere and stones continued to roll and fell . Then , he finally arrived at the top of the glacier after a couple of hours and decided later , to descend upon the glacier on the opposite side . It took him two hours and then he saw something stupendous in front of him : the Mont Blanc . All his sorrow and sadness disappeared and he was glad to be there . But , these feelings were interrupted by a strange vision : a gigant man was coming towards him with speed : it was the monster . Victor Frankenstein didn 't want to talk with him and was ready for a fight , but the monster continued and told him that he should listen to him and warned him : Victor had to comply to his conditions , if he wouldn 't , the monster would murder all his friends and family . Victor became angry and wanted to kill the gigant being . At that point the monster said that everyone hated him and that he had been benevolent and good in the past , but things changed . The monster just wanted to be happy , but everyone rejected , excluded and isolated him . The mountains , glaciers and caves were his only refuges . The monster invited Victor to come with him , in order to listen at his story and at the end Victor accepted . The monster started telling his tale . At the beginning he stayed at the forest of Ingolstadt . There he sought for a place where he could take a rest and where he could receive shade . Everything was confusing : he didn 't know what light was and couldn 't distinguish his senses . Then he was hungry and thirsty , so he ate some berries and when he was tired , he just laid down and slept . When he awoke it was dark and very cold , even if he had covered himself with something before he left Victor 's apartment . The daemon was desolate and sad , because he was alone and didn 't know what to do . It was night and the moon came out , it was the first time for him , he had never seen the moon in his life . Afterwards he was hungry again and so he searched for some berries . The time didn 't pass and it was still cold ; fortunately he found a cloak . The days passed and he started to get used to that life in the forest . He started to distinguish the forms of the objects that were around him , he also discovered the fire one morning , while he was walking through the forest . Some beggars probably had left the fire burning . He saw that the fire was warming him up and soon he understood how to maintain it . So when he woke up the morning after and looked after the fire , it was still there . He saw that the fire was giving him light , too and thanks to this he could find food . However , after some time , he barely found food , and became hungry , so he decided to leave that forest and to search another region where he could live . His preoccupation was the fire : he learned how to maintain it , but not how to create it . He started wandering and found the open country with many fields . The monster glanced around and saw a hut , he entered and man screamed by seeing him and ran away . It was a good place where to stay : he wouldn 't freeze anymore and rain wouldn 't penetrate and enter . The daemon ate the lasting food of the shepherd , then , he slept . The following day , after a long hike , he finally saw a village in front of him . He went there and was attracted by the good food , that was in the cottages , so he simply entered and took it while the people , who lived inside , fled and screamed or attacked him . The monster escaped from the village and took refuge in a hovel . He stayed in a hovel which was against the back of a cottage , where a man and a young woman lived . Thanks to a crevice in the wood , he could look inside a room of the cottage , where the woman and an old man were . The scene of those two was full of kindness and sweetness that touched him . Then , the younger man returned with some wood and the girl helped him , and then they ate something together . In the evening the monster observed them again , the man and the young woman were busy , while the old man was playing an instrument . At the end of the day , the family retired and the monster fell asleep . It was winter , the monster continued observing the family , they passed the day as the day before . He discovered that the old man was blind and also that the family , even if they had anything they needed , was unhappy . They possessed a house , they had fire , food , clothes and they had company and loved each other . They weren 't alone like the monster , who wanted to join them . He couldn 't understand their sadness . After some time the monster realized that their were poor , they had just a little garden for vegetables and a cow for some milk . They didn 't eat anything else and sometimes they even not ate at all . He also noticed that the man had to collect some wood in the forest every day for the family fire , so one day the daemon collected some and put it in front of their cottage . They were surprised when they saw the pile of wood , but thanks to this , they could do other things , like cultivating the garden . The monster remained in his hovel and continued to look after them . He noticed that they communicated in a way that he couldn 't understand . They used sounds and pronounced them quickly . Soon he learned some words and the names of the cottagers ( father , Agatha and Felix ) , knew their meaning and could pronounce them . Felix , the man , was the saddest and the one who suffered the most . Felix was a busy man , he had to maintain the family , helped by Agatha . He got up early in the morning , worked in the garden , collected wood etc . , and often he went away for a long time , maybe he worked for a farmer in the proximity . However , the monster continued to learn new words and wanted to have a good command of their language , because he desired to show himself to the cottagers , but he knew exactly how ugly and terrifying he was , because he saw his reflection in the little pool , that the family possessed . Then finally , it became warmer and the family was busier , but had this time , always enough food , also in the garden the plants grew much more . The monster 's life instead , was more uniform : during the day he observed his " friChapter 5 : It was spring and during one of those warm days , the cottagers took a rest sometimes . However Felix 's pain and grief already tortured him . One day a lady and a countryman ( her guide ) knocked on the door of the cottage and she asked after Felix , who appeared shortly after . It was a beautiful lady and Felix was really happy when he saw her , he forgot every pain . Then she entered in the cottage and the monster soon understood , that she had an own language and was an Arabian . They couldn 't understand each other , but it seemed that Agatha tried to tell her by signs , that Felix was worried and in pain until she came . Apart from this , the Arabian learned twenty new words of the cottagers ' language , probably she wanted to learn their language and the monster profited by this . Safie was the stranger 's name . The days passed and the only thing that changed was the fact that the family wasn 't in sorrow anymore , and thanks to them , the monster and Safie learned many words and could understand them better when they spoke . It became warmer , it was summer , and the monster couldn 't go outside for too long because even the night became shorter during that season . He continued to learn and improve in the language , but not just that , he also started studying the letters , in order to know how to read . Thanks to a book , the deamon discovered about other nations and their culture and history , and also about religions , kings , empires etc . He heard then about the human being and started thinking about himself , because he wasn 't like them and even didn 't resemble them . People fled from him : he was bigger , ugly and different , was he a monster ? This made him sad and he felt lonely . He didn 't want to feel that pain , but he knew that the only way to let that end , was to die and he was scared by death , he liked instead the lovely manners of the family , but he wasn 't part of it , and that hurt . He had no friends , no relationships , no parents , and again he asked himself who and what he was . Some time after , the monster started to know about the history of the cottagers . The old man 's name was De Lacey and he descenced from a good family in France and a little time before the arrival of the monster , they lived in Paris , had friends and they had more than enough of everything they needed , even a moderate fortune . Also Safie 's father , who was a merchant had lived for many years in Paris , but he became intollerable for the government , so they condemned him to death , but all this was unfair and Felix had heard about that . He found an unguarded part of the prison , in which Safie 's father was , and saw the poor Turk . Felix wanted to help him to escape and the Mohometan told him that he would offer him rewards and wealth . Then , Felix saw his daughter Safie , who came from Costantinople to visit his father in prison , and the Turk , noticing that Felix liked the girl , promised him to give him her hand in marriage . In the meantime , Felix received letters from Safie , who thanked him very much for his help . An old man helped her to write the letters , because she didn 't know French . In her letters she spoke also about her mother , who was a Christian Arab and was first treated badly by the Turks , but then she married the father of Safie and everything went better . She too enjoyed the fact that by marrying a Christian she could have a rank in society . Felix saved Safie 's father and the girl too , they all fled from Paris to Lyon and then to Leghorn . There , the merchant wanted to wait for the right moment to pass into the Turkish dominions . In the meantime they conversed through signs and looks and Safie 's father promised him again to give him the hand of his daughter in marriage , but he didn 't want to do that really . He had other plans , because he didn 't like the idea to let her marry a Christian , but he even could not betray him , because they would find him and imprison him . So , he decided that he would take his daughter with him , when he would flee and go away . The French government searched Felix andChapter 7 : One night , during August , the moster was searching food and collecting wood as usually , but this time he found a portmanteau with some books inside : Paradise Lost , a volume of Plutarch 't Lives and the Sorrow of Werter . He was surprised and happy when he found that and he passed his time in the hovel by reading this books , while the cottagers were working in their garden . Sorrow of Werter was a simple story , but it was a book full of feelings and sentiments and sometimes the monster thought that Werter 's feelings were similar to his emotions . By reading that book , he started thinking about his own condition and situation , and about himself . He often asked himself who he was , but he could never find an answer . Paradise Lost was the third book and also in this case , like in Werter 's Sorrow , the monster felt like Adam , who had no connection to other beings , but their situations were different , the monster 's one was the most terrible . He also found some papers in the pocket of Victor 's coat , that he had taken from his laboratory , before he left it . He could read them , because he learned the letters and discovered that it was in the description of Victor 's project , and so the monster 's creation . Even Satan wasn 't alone , he had his companions , but the monster had no one and was ugly and lonely . He envyed the cottagers , and wanted to talk with them in order to obtain and have some friends and maybe they would even accept him ; but first he decided to wait for some other months . These were his thoughts . The cottagers became happy and stopped working so hard , they were also helped by some servants . They passed more time by talking with each other and by relaxing , but at the same time the monster became unhappy and sad , and every time more so when he saw his reflection in the the pool or his shadow . Sometimes he imagined to have friends , but he knew exactly that he had no friends and that he was just a miserable and lonely creature . Adam , in the book Paradise Lost , had God , his Creator , and he had not even Victor . Autumn came , but the joy and the happiness didn 't vanish in the little cottage and everything was and continued to be like before . Then , the winter came and he started to create and fix a plan of how he should show himself to the cottagers and decided that he should enter the cottage when the old blind man , De Lacey , was alone . At least he wouldn 't see him and flee from him . One day Agatha , Felix and Safie went outside on a country walk and the monster knocked on the door and told the old man that he was a traveller . The monster told him that he desired to have some friends and explained him his situation , but he didn 't tell him that the friends , which he seeked were they . De Lacey helped and consoled the monster , who only told him that the friends that he wanted to have was his family , when his children and Safie returned . He told the old man to help and protect him , but Felix already strucked him with a stick and the monster fled . The family was terrified . After that horrible event , the monster quitted his hovel at night and was angry , he walked in the forest and destroyed every obstacle that was in front of him . He started to hate that species : the human being , there were enemies . No one wanted him , they just isolated and injured him . But he hated one person particurlarly : his creator Victor . Fortunately he calmed himself and thought about visiting the old man again , in order to tell him that he wasn 't dangerous . He slept in the afternoon , but when he awoke it was night , so he decided to search some food . He waited until the morning , because he had the intention to visit De Lacey , but when he approached to the cottage it was dark inside and no one were there . After some time two men appeared and stopped in front of the cottage and soon after Felix appeared , in company with another man . He discovered by their conversation that Felix and his family would leave the cottage and the monster never saw any of the cottagers again . He still thought about the family and remembered how kind they had been , but then thinking about their " meeting " , he became angry and so he started to destroy everything he found around him . Towards night he put some wood and combustibles around the cottage and inflamed them . The cottage burned down and in the meantime he devastated the garden . Afterwards he searched a refuge in the forest and thought again about his creator Victor , he wanted to reach him and remembered that Victor talked about Geneva , where he was born , so he decided to search that town , even if he didn 't know how , because he had not studied geography . The monster was furious with his creator , but Victor was the only man who could help him . He travelled for a long time and only at night , because of the humans , but slowly he came nearer . The monster wasn 't benevolent anymore , he was evil and wanted to revenge himself . But , the arrival of spring and the sun , which shone and warmed up the earth , pleased him and emotions of happiness and gentleness returned . He stopped onThe man was really ungrateful and this made the monster evil again , all his kindness and gentleness vanished . He was suffering very much , because of the wound at his shoulder and he had to pass some time in the forest to cure his injury . The wound healed and he finally reached Geneva . He hid in one of the fields in the area and in the evening a child passed . He thought that the boy maybe would not be scared , because he was an unprejudiced creature . So he quitted his hiding - place , but the little boy started to scream when he saw him . The monster discovered , during a short conversation with him , that Victor Frankenstein was his brother and so he thought that it could be a good revenge and he killed the child . The child had a photo of his mother in his pocket and the daemon took it . He left the place where he killed the boy and entered a barn . There was a woman sleeping on the straw , she moved a little and the monster was shocked . If she awoke , she would denounce him , so he put the photo in one of the folds of her dress , she should suffer ! Then he fled . The monster finished his tale , but Victor didn 't say anything , so he continued . He said that Victor should create another one like him , a female . Victor refused and told him that no torture could ever let him change idea , he would never consent . The monster insisted and told him that he would destroy him and desolate his heart , but then he calmed down . He started to beg for another creature like him . This was the only thing he could ask for and at the same time the only thing he could receive . Their life would not be happy or fantastic , but at least he would not be alone in that misery . Victor started to reflect and thought about the consequences by the creation of another monster , but maybe the gigant was right and should have a companion . The monster continued and promised him , that if he created the female monster , human beings would never ever see them again , they would go away and live in the wilds in South Africa . Victor thought about it and said that the monster would return , because his evil passions would never vanish and this time he would have another companion , who would help him destroy and kill the humans , without mercy . Victor didn 't know what to think , he was moved , but at the same time , he was disgusted . He thought for a long time and at the end he consented , but the monster had to swear that he would leave Europe and every other neighbourhood of man forever . The monster swore and told him that he would return as soon as he would finish his work and then he disappeared . Victor started to return to Chamounix , and he arrived on the following morning . He didn 't remain there to take a rest , but immediately went back to Geneva , conscious that he had to create another horrible being . Victor was back in Geneva , but he didn 't start immediately with his work . It would take him once more , months to create a female monster and he had no courage to begin with it . However he felt better and restored completely . Even his father noticed that and was pleased by this . Victor still went sometimes by boat on the lake and when he returned one day , his father told him that he wanted to speak with him . Alphonse told him that he may had undestood the cause of Victor 's deep pain that he felt particularly some time before , and at those words Victor was shocked and continued to listen to his father . Alphonse always hoped in a marriage between Victor and Elizabeth and also Victor 's dead mother had wished it , but in that period Alphonse doubted . He thought that Victor maybe loved another woman and that this was the cause of his sorrow , but Victor explained that he loved Elizabeth and no one else . At this point Alphonse talked about an immediate marriage , because he thought that an early union wouldn 't influence Victor 's plans for the future . But this could not happen , Victor could not marry Elizabeth , while having thoughts about his work in his mind and there was also the fact that he had the intention to travel to England , in order to meet the philosophers , who had done some discoveries connected to his project . Apart from this , during his occupation he would isolate himself , so the marriage could not take place . Victor informed his father about his journey to England , but didn 't tell him why he was going there . Alphonse accepted and hoped that this journey would help him recover entirely , but he asked Henry Clerval to accompany him and as soon as he would return , there would be the union between Victor and Elizabeth . So , towards the end of August he departed with his chemical instruments and also this time it was hard to leave his family . In Strasburgh he met Clerval , who was enjoyed by the journey and noticed that Victor wasn 't as happy as he was . So , they finally started their voyage and even Victor , who was depressed , liked and admired the beautiful nature , the hills , the castles etc . , that they saw during their travel . Henry was excited and very very pleased , he had seen many landscapes , but that one was the most beautiful for him . They soon arrived at Rotterdam , where they continued their travel towards England by sea . So , they arrived in London in October and decided to remain for many months . Immediately Victor wrote some letters to the philosophers , who did discoveries , in order to receive the information that he needed . He also began to collect the material for his creation and it was a torture for him . While they were in London , they also received a letter from a Scots - man , who once visited them in Geneva . He invited them to come and to visit the place where he lived . Both , Victor and Henry desired to accept the invitation , because they missed the nature with it 's beautiful mountains and streams . It was February and they decided to travel towards the north . Their first stop was Windsor , where they admired the fantastic forests . Then they arrived in Oxford , there they noticed that the colleges were ancient , the streets were particular , and there was also the river Isis , surrounded by towers , domes , spires , etc . These beautiful places pleased him , but at the same time he couldn 't forget what happened and what would probably happen in the future . They stayed in Oxford for a long time and proceeded then at last to Matlock . From Matlock they arrived in Cumberland and Westmorland and remained there for two months . Clerval was delighted and said that he would like to live there , he loved the mountains and the views . Then they had the meeting with the Scots - man so they had to pack again their things , clothes and chemical instruments . Everything was as usual , but sometimes Victor doubted and was scared by the thought that maybe the monster was killing his family or that he maybe was following him and his friend Henry , ready to attack and kill him . It was a torment for Victor , but he couldn 't do or change anything . So , when a letter from his father Alphonse or Elizabeth arrived he was relieved , but also feared every time that maybe there would be bad news for him written in the letters . They visited Edinburgh and remained for a week and Henry didn 't like it as much as he liked Oxford , and Victor , instead , just wanted to finish his work and return home . He then informed Henry , that he prefered to do the journey in Scotland alone and his friend told him to write him sometimes . Victor decided to search a smooth and quiet region , in order to finish his work , so he went to one of the most remote islands of the Orkneys . It was a suitable place and there were just a few inhabitants . On the island there were just three huts and he found a free one , it wasn 't in good conditions , but Victor decided to remain there . There he continued his work : there were times in which he just couldn 't continue and even not enter the laboratory , and there were times in which he worked day and night , however his fear never vanished . He always feared to see the monster and was disgusted and scared by his occupation . The moon came out , it was late and Victor suddenly saw the monster in front of him smiling by seeing Victor 's creation . So , the monster had followed him all the time and was now there to see Victor 's creation . Victor was confused and scared at the same time , he started to destroy the inanimate creature and the monster , who was surprised and at the same time angry , went away . Hours passed and Victor , who had left the laboratory and was now in his room , was looking at the sea , where fishermen were fishing . Then he heard some noises : it was the monster and he was coming inside and asked him if he was breaking his promise and destroying the monster 's hopes . And indeed Victor was breaking the promise and was determinated to not ever create another monster . The daemon insisted , but Victor was sure about his decision . The monster warned him and told him that he would revenge himself , makeVictor 's life miserable and then at the end kill him . Victor cried that night , he thought about his family and Elizabeth and about how hard it would be . The night passed and the poor man was in despoir , because he thought about his family , that would die in front of his eyes and he was the cause . He didn 't sleep and the following morning he slept a little on the grass outside , even if the words and the voice of the monster were still in his head . When he awoke , he felt better , then he ate something and afterwards a fisherman brought him some letters from Geneva and from Clerval . His friend told him to return , because he was wasting time where he was and that friends from London asked him to come to talk about a vogaye towards India , which he would like to do . So , he told Victor to return in order to travel together towards the south . Victor started to pack his things and washed and cleaned his chemical instruments , and threw the rests of the inanimate female monster in the sea at night . He liked the atmosphere on the water in that little boat and decided to remain a little , but fell asleep and when he awoke the following morniChapter 4 : So , with other men , Victor went to the magistrate and one of them told , that he and his companions had found the dead man on the coast . He told that the man had not been drowned , because the corpse wasn 't wet when they found it , and apart from this , there were marks of fingers on his neck . They also tried to reanimate him , but he was already dead and they couldn 't save him . The father of the man confirmed his deposition . Another man said that he saw a man in a boat that night and it was the same boat by which Victor had arrived . Other people deposed and some suspected him and at the end the magistrate Mr . Kirwin took him into the room where the corpse was lying . It was Henry 's corpse . Victor became very ill and had a fever , he had feelings of guilt and felt like a murderer , because in fact , it was his fault . The magistrate sent him to prison , where he was cured in the meantime by a nurse . For some time , he didn 't understand if all that was just a bad dream or if it was reality , but he soon realized that unfortunately it was reality . Despite this , the magistrate was kind and procured him the best chamber of the prison , and he was the one who called a nurse and a physician for him . Sometimes the magistrate came to visit him , but his visits were always short . One day Mr . Kirwin entered the prison chamber and told him that he had written to his family , thanks to some of Victor 's letters that he had found , and told him that his father was coming to visit him , this pleased and made Victor very happy . Some time later Alphonse entered and Victor asked him immediately if his family and Elizabeth were healthy and alive . The father calmed him and thanks to his arrival and regular visits , even if short , Victor recovered , but his sadness and desperation never vanished . Clerval , Justine and William were always in his head and in this way he passed his time in prison . Three months passed and even if he recovered , Victor was still weak . Mr . Kirwin wanted to help and take him out of prison , because he thought he was innocent , he called and collected witnesses and finally after some time , Victor left the prison . He wasn 't happy or pleased , his life was horrible and his feelings always tormented him . The thoughts about the death of three people because of him , made him feel lost . Yet he was free and could return in his native country and sometimes , when he thought , for example about his deer cousin Elizabeth , he felt a little better , but this happened rarely . At the end , they departed and one night , when he was lying on the deck and looking at the stars , he remembered everything that he had done in his life , and all seemed so far and unrealistic , like a dream . There were Geneva , the death of his mother , Clerval , his departure for Ingolstadt , his project and the monster in his head . Obviously his father didn 't know the cause of his desperation and sorrow and he was worried . Victor felt as if he had no right to have any contacts with other people and he didn 't want to take part of the society . He also often told his father that he was the murderer and so the cause of the death of them , his father wanted explanations , but Victor suffered in silence and never told him anything . His father thought , that maybe it was because of his illness , that his son imagined and became mad , but Victor insisted and continued to say that he was the real assassin . His father was convinced by his theory and didn 't mentioned that topic anymore . Slowly Victor became calmer and his manners changed . Then a letter from Elizabeth arrived , fortunately in time , before they left Paris . Elizabeth worried about the health of his poor cousin and wished to see him soon . She told him that she wanted to talk to him as soon as he returned to Geneva in Switzerland , because she wanted to talk about their marriage and future together . She told him in her letter that she loved him , but that at the same time she wanted him to be happy and that she didn 't want to oblige him to marry her , if he didn 't love her and if his feelings weren 't the same as Elizabeth 's . She told him all that , because she suspected that he maybe loved another woman , indeed he travelled a lot and met people . At the end of the letter Elizabeth told him not to worry and that he had not to answer the letter . At that point Victor remembered the moment in which the monster told him " I 'll be with you on your wedding - night ! " He read the letter again and answered . He told her not to worry and that he had just one secret , that he would confide her the day after their marriage . Then , a week later , they returned to Geneva and Victor 's family was glad to see him . There were already moments in which memories and thoughts returned and tormented him , only Elizabeth was able to calm him with her sweet voice and gentleness . They again talked about the marriage between Victor and his cousin : Alphonse asked him another time if he was sure , but Victor was sure and they fixed their union for tens days later . So , they started to prepare themselves for the marriage and the poor Victor was persecuted by the usual feelings . When he thought about the phrase " I shall be with you on your wedding - night " , he always thought that the monster had the intention to kill him , but then he thought about Elizabeth and feared her death . However he tried to seem happy and joyful for his father and his beloved cousin . He had feelings of guilt when Elizabeth talked about their union without being scared or worried , because she didn 't know anything and didn 't expect another misfortune . They would pass the first days after their union at Villa Lavenza near a lake . The day of the marriage approached and Victor was always armed , while Elizabeth was happy except the day of their union , probably she thought about the secret that Victor would reveal her the day after or maybe she feared even a misfortune . No one knew it . So , after the ceremony they departed on an ship . They both tried to distract themselves from their bad thoughts by looking and admiring the wonderful nature around them . They arrived at eight o ' clock , soon the moon came out and everything was obscured by the night . Victor was really agitated and unhappy , and his wife noticed it , she asked him what was happening , but Victor just told her that it would be a dreadful night . He told her to retire and she did . In the meantime he observed the nature around him and controlled the house , but the monster wasn 't anywhere . Suddenly his wife screamed and he , shocked , ran inside and went into her room . He found Elizabeth lifeless on her bed and saw the marks of the fingers of the murderer on her neck , Victor fell on the ground , senseless . When he awoke , there were people around him and his inanimated wife was still there . The day passed and it became dark again , Victor looked at the moon and soon the monster was at his window , smiling . He took out his gun and fired , but the monster just laughed and went away . People entered the room and he told them that he saw the murderer , so , they started to search him , but didn 't find him . They decided to continue their search in the country and Victor wanted to help them , but was too weak . The monster murdered William , Clerval , Elizabeth and caused the death of Justine , now probably , the next victim would be his father or his brother Ernest . He packed his things and wanted to return to Geneva as soon as possible . He went there by boat and when he arrived fortunately his father and Ernest were alive and safe . He informed them about Elizabeth 's death , and it was horrible news for his father , because Elizabeth wasn 't just one of his children , she had been more that a daughter for him and he couldn 't live with that misfortune . He was an old man , weak and wretchted . That pain didn 't make his life possible and he died a few days later in Victor 's arms . Months passed . Victor was a free man , but even if he was free he felt as if he was in prison . He had to do something , he couldn 't continue this way , so he went to a magistrate , because he wanted to accuse the monster . He started to tell his stoChapter 7 : Finally he decided to follow the monster and started to search clues . He didn 't know where to go , because he didn 't find anything . So , at the end , after searching around the town , he went to the cementary and approached the tombs . Victor prayed the spirits to help him during his revenge and his search . In that moment , the monster appeared and laughed . From that moment he started to pursue him , but Victor lost him . The months passed and the monster continued to leave him clues to guide him and also the peasants helped him when they saw the daemon . It wasn 't easy , but it was as if the spirits were aiding him , because he did not have always food or water , even if he had money it wouldn 't be easier , because the monster never approached at places where humans lived . There were times in which he just desired to kill the monster and times in which it was a torture and he waited for the night , because it was the only moment during the whole day in which he could forget everything and repose his soul from horrible thoughts . He dreamed about his family and his dear friend Henry during the night and the dream seemed so real . However Victor never stopped his seek and slowly , they proceeded towards the north : it became colder and the ice thicker . The man was used to warmer and milder climates , it was hard to survive . He procured himself a sledge and some food and continued his search . The monster had a sledge and food too , because the armed monster had taken some food from a family and put it on a sledge with dogs . Victor was desperate and a little hopeless : he had lost his enemy , but then his courage and want of revenge fortunately returned . The time passed and slowly the ice began to melt and it became dangerous . He had no food anymore and some dogs died , he had passed about three weeks there outside . Then Victor saw his enemy , he was suprised and happy at the same time . He gave his dogs something to eat , rested for an hour and departed towards the direction of the monster . But then , the ice broke and the sea divided and separated them , the dogs died and he remained alone . Fortunately Victor noticed the vessel and reached Robert and his men . Walton wrote a letter to his sister Margaret and described her how Victor told his story : his voice sometimes broke and sometimes he stopped telling , because it was hard to explain what happened to him . His story was strange and unusual , but Victor showed him the letters between Felix and Safie , and Robert , together with his companions , saw also a gigant figure with a sledge , so this proved that his story had to be true . Sometimes Robert asked Victor to describe the monster , but his friend never answered and didn 't want to talk about that . It was the strangest tale that Robert had ever heard and it attracted him : Victor had his own manners and a nice and gentle character . Robert told his sister that their conversation had not just been about his story or his misfortunes , but also about literature for example , and Victor demonstrated his big knowledge , and during these moments , Robert thought of how excellent his guest had been in the past , when he was a young man . In his letter he also explained his sister that he was worried , he had strongly desired a friend , and now maybe Victor would leave him and his companions in order to go and kill his enemy . He explained how he proposed his guest to help him , but Victor just refused and told him that no one could ever replace his dear family , or his wife , or his friend . There were always in his head and he couldn 't just forget them . However he thanked him . Victor had already a task to do and it consisted in killing the monster . Walton wrote another letter to his sister . Robert missed Margaret and England . There was just ice around him and there were moments in which he feared an accident and he thought about the fact that he would be the cause of the death of his sailors . Then he thought about Margaret , who was surely worried and who would be desperate if an accident happened . However Victor was a wonderful person and he was able to calm and divert him , fortunately not just him , but he was also able to encourage the sailors . It was September 5th when Robert wrote his third letter . The landscape was obviously always the same : mountains of ice surrounded them . That day , they were immured in ice and about six people asked if they could enter Robert 's cabin . The sailors entered and asked him to promise that if the ice whould dissipate , they would change route and go towards the south and return home . They were scared and feared a bigger accident . First Robert didn 't know what to say and he decided and his friend didn 't say anything , but then Victor turned to the men and held a long and intelligent speech . He explained that they were there to be benefactors and heroes , that they couldn 't just leave the expedition and return to their families . These were just a few of the things that he mentioned in his speech . At the end they were speechless and they looked at each other without saying anything and retired . Robert was returning to England with his companions and he had lost his dear friend Victor . He told his sister how the ice moved on September 9th , but Robert 's attention wasn 't attracted by this in that moment , but by Victor 's health which became worse and he had to stay in bed . So , the ice broke behind the vessel and the sailors were very happy and full of joy . Victor , who was in bed , heard them shouting and asked Robert what was happening . Robert explained him that they would return to England and at this point , Victor stood up and told him that he wouldn 't come with them , because he had to kill the monster . He was too weak and fell senseless on the ground . Fortunately he felt a little better after , but he spoke with difficulty and the surgeon told Robert that he was weak and would die . So , Robert entered the cabin and listened to him , because Victor had to ask him a favour . Robert sat on his bed and listened carefully . Victor started and told him that he was dying and that his enemy was still there outside in the meantime . He couldn 't accept that , because he desired and it was his task to kill him , in order to revenge his family . He was conscious about the fact that he was the one who had created the monster and that it had been his duty to make him happy , but his family was more important and so he refused to make him happy , but he knew in that moment that he had taken the right decision . An evil creature like him had not deserved any kind of joy or happiness . After explaining this , the man asked Robert to kill the monster if he would see him . After not so much time , he died . Robert , by hearing this , wasn 't moved and had no compassion for him . The monster continued and told him about how benevolent and harmless he had been in the past and about how he had wished to be loved by the human beings or by someone like him , but all these feelings and desires had changend . He suffered alone , and all this just because he was different and ugly . Because of this he became totally someone else , a criminal . And the monster was conscious about this , he killed the ones who had not injured him , the helpless ones , that had not even known about his existence . She had an older half - sister called Fanny Imlay and was the daughter of William Godwin , who was a political philosopher and Mary Wollstonecraft , a feminist . Unfortunately Mary 's mother died soon after her birth . Her father married Mary Jane Clairmont ( 1801 ) , who had other two children , and had a son with her later . Mary never had a formal education , and so she studied on her own with the books of her father 's library and she loved to write stories . Mary and her family passed one summer in Switzerland and during rainy days , they entertained themselves by reading horror stories . It was during this summer , that Shelley started to work on her famous book " Frankenstein " , thanks to a horrible nightmare that she had . She told her friends the story , inspired by her nightmare , and then she wrote it down . A year later her half - sister and Persy 's wife , Harriet , killed herself . So , Mary and Percy married during the winter of the year 1816 . In those years , Mary published " History of a Six Weeks Tour " and " Frankenstein , or , the modern Prometheus " , which was and is actually a success . Mary Shelley and her husband had many children , but they all died very young and the only one who survived , was Percy Florence . She suffered a lot in her life : her half - sister committed suicide , her children died and her husband drowned in 1822 , when she was just 24 years old . Other novels written by her are : " Falkner " , " Lodore " , " The fortunes of Perkin Warbeck " , " Keepsake " and " Westminster Review " . Everyone knows Frankenstein , the man : Victor who created a monster , it is a very famous book . By reading it I realized that I didn 't know anything about the story and when I first started reading it , I asked myself if I was reading the right book . I didn 't know the detais and I think a lot of people don 't know them , either . I didn 't expect , for example , the letters from Robert at the beginning of the book . I 'm glad that I read it , because Mary Shelley and in general all her novels are famous and she was a great English author . I think everyone should read it . I usually don 't read horror stories , and the book didn 't frighten me , but it caught my attention , especially when I read about Victor 's reflections and thoughts . The description of his sorrow conveyed and explained his situation perfectly . I could imagine what Victor was feeling . It it a sad book full of desperation , pain and preoccupation ; joy and happiness don 't last very long . However , I like the way it is written , even if I had problems at the beginning and couldn 't understand it very well . I like the structure of the book , too . It starts with the end of Victor 's " adventure " and life and consists in a narrative by him . This kind of story is epistolary , because Robert Walton tells Victor 's entire story by letters , that he writes to Margaret . The structure of it is like a Chinese box : a story within a story . There is Walton 's narration to his sister , Frankenstein 's narration to Walton and the monster 's narration to Frankenstein . Victor Frankenstein is the son of Caroline and Alphonse Frankenstein who grows up in Geneva , Switzerland . His parents are passionate travellers so a few years after Victor 's birth they travel to Italy . One day they visit a farm and in that moment as Caroline , Victor 's mother , walks in the door she falls in love with a most beautiful little girl . She is an orphan and her name is Elisabeth Lavenza . She wants to adopt her and proceeds to do so . Elisabeth is so happy to have a family and she is such a cheerful child . Later on Caroline is infected with Scarlet Fever and Elisabeth takes care of her , but she unfortunately Caroline dies . In Ingolstadt he gets to know his professors M . Krempe and M . Waldman . Two years pass by and he is very involved in his studies and his ambition is to re - create a new life , by bringing a dead body and back to life . He spends day and night creating it and as he brings the creature back to life he realises what monster he has created . Afraid , Victor runs away , the monster leaves his apartment and goes into the woods , and Victor doesn 't see him anymore . Victor makes himself very ill by the shock and worry of it all and it is his best friend , Henry Clerval , who takes care of him during his illness . One day Victor receives a letter from his father telling him he must return to Geneva immediately because his younger brother William has been strangled to death . This news shocks Victor even more , so he returns to Geneva and as he sees his brother 's body he realises that the monster he made , killed him . Victor doesn 't go to the police because he feels guilty of having created such a thing . Unfortunately , the police accuse Justine Moritz , their housekeeper , of the murder . The monster had taught himself to read and understand the language so that he could follow the lives of his " adopted " family , the De Laceys . He found some notes in a jacket he found in the woods . The monster realized they once belonged to Victor . By reading them he understood that he was not like all the other people , he was different from mankind and so he wanted a companion . He wanted Victor to create another monster . He stays on the Orkney Islands and he begins his work . He thinks a lot about the monsters ' words but he cannot create another one so he destroys it . He put so many people 's lives at risk because he created the monster and he doesn 't want relive that shock again . He finds a boat and goes out to sea . Before he leaves Victor meets the monster again and breaks off the agreement . The monster vows revenge on Victor by murdering his family . Victor now wants revenge and chases the monster through Europe and Russia . Victor nearly catches the monster near the Arctic Circle when Robert Walton discovers him . Victor , now dying , is taken aboard Walton 's ship to recover . The monster enters the cabin of the ship and tells Walton his side of the story . Victor dies , and the monster tells Walton that now his enemy is dead he doesn 't have anything or anybody else and he promises he will never come back or torment anybody ever again . The monster then disappears in the waves and darkness , and never comes back ! I don 't think this novel is a horror ; it 's a tragic Gothic story . At the time Mary Shelley wrote it , people thought no such thing could ever happen . If we look back and think of how much mankind has created we have arrived at a point where our world is changing , where people are changing . Nobody knows what will happen in 50 years ' time . I think as time progresses , the world changes , people change because who knows , maybe one day people will be able to re - create such creatures . I don 't know now and Mary Shelley didn 't know at that time and it 's better that way . When Mary was born , William and Mary had only been married for five months . Four weeks after giving birth , Mary Wollestonecraft died of complications . Mary Shelley never knew her mother . Her father remarried a woman named Mrs . Clairmont when Mary was four years old . She enjoyed writing at a young age , and her passion was to write stories intended for a very limited audience . Between June 1812 and March 1814 , Mary lived with relatives in Scotland . When she returned to London she met Percy Bysshe Shelley , and their relationship began . In 1814 they got married and in February 1815 , Mary gave birth to a daughter , who was born prematurely and then died in March . Mary and her husband later moved to Bishopgate , England , and a second child , William , was born . In 1816 they moved to Marlow , England and a third child , Clara Everina , was born . In 1818 , they left England for Italy to escape mounting debts and to improve Percy 's health . It was during this time that both children died ; Clara died in September 1818 , and William died in June , in 1819 . In 1822 her husband was drowned at sea and this changed Mary 's life completely . A year later , Mary Shelley returned to England and from then on devoted herself to the upbringing of her son and a career as a professional author . As a child , he lost his father because of rheumatic fever in Africa . His mother brought him and his brother to England . Where , at the age of four , Tolkien could write fluently and read many books . In 1904 , when J . R . R . Tolkien was only 12 , his mother died of diabetes , she was 34 years old . After the death of his mother , Tolkien was assigned to Fr . Francis Xavier Morgan and grew up as a good Catholic . In October 1911 , after a long trip in Switzerland , Tolkien began studying at Exeter College , Oxford . He started studying Classics but changed his course in 1913 to English Language and Literature . He graduated with first - class honours in 1915 . When the UK entered the First World War , in fact , Tolkien decided to fight for his Nation . He was commissioned as a Second Lieutenant in the Lancashire Fusiliers and trained with the 13th Battalion . On 2 . June 1916 , he was sent to Somme , where he arrived in early July . It was April when Gandalf , with his tall pointed blue hat , the white beard and the black boots , came in Bilbo 's house . Gandalf was a very famous wizard in The Hill for his tales and his excellent fireworks , but that day he was there to invite Bilbo to participate in an adventure . Bilbo was not that happy , but he was a really polite hobbit and invited Gandalf to tea on the following day . One night Bilbo encountered 3 trolls who were eating near a fire . Unfortunately they managed to catch him and to catch also all the other dwarves . While the trolls were discussing about how to cook the company , a powerful light hit them and transformed them into stones . Gandalf had saved the dwarves . After other long days , thanks to the guide of the wizard , the company reached the Misty Mountain and the Last Lonely House , where the Valley of Rivendell was placed . Here they stayed for about 14 days with the elves and their chiefs Elrond . The King Elrond gave them some help with the decodification of the map of the Lonely Mountain . After 14 days of rest , the company greeted the elves and took to the right road . From there they found a hard , long , dangerous path . During the night they also found themselves in the middle of a stone - giants fight , so Kili and Fili were sent to find a better shelter . They found a dry cave , Gandalf explored it and said that it was safe , but it wasn 't so … after some time , Goblins came out , rubbed the ponies , Gandalf managed to escape while the others were brought to Goblin - town to the Great Goblin . Fortunately Gandalf had a big heart and decided to follow them , enter the town and kill the Great Goblin . The company began to run , but Dori and Bilbo fell . Bilbo hit his head and remained behind . When Bilbo woke up , he understood that he was alone and started to walk in search of someone . At one point he found a ring , put it in his pocket just before Gollum appeared … Gollum was a diabolic creature and suggested a riddle contest , if Bilbo had won , Gollum had to bring him to the exit . The last of Bilbo 's riddle was : " What have I got in my pocket ? " Gollum failed , so he had to show Bilbo the way , but first he went to his cave and searched for his ring . Gollum was not stupid and was hungry , he wanted to put on the magic ring , that made invisible and hit Bilbo , but he didn 't find the ring … Hopefuly Bilbo put the ring on and managed to escape . He seemed to have the right to the other side of the Misty Mountain , right to the edge of the land beyond . He heard voices and recognized Balin , he took the ring off and went down . He didn 't talk about the ring , he just told them about Gollum . After the little report , the company continued on its way until an opening area where no trees grew . This idea wasn 't one of the most clever , just after some time , wolves came . The dwarves and Bilbo had to climb on trees and the wizard picked up a fire , but the goblins came and used the smoke against the company . Everything was saved by the Lord of the Eagles , an old friend of the wizard who scared the goblins . The eagles brought the company to the Carroek , a flat space with a stone in the centre . Gandalf remembered that some miles north from there a friend of his lived , Beorn was his name . He was a skin - changer : during the day he was a great strong black - haired man with huge arms and a great beard , during the night he was transformed into a huge black bear . He was not the sort of person to ask questions , for this reason the wizard recommended to enter the house two by two . On the 4 . day they reached the Dark Forest , here lived the eaves of Mirkwood , they sent back the ponies and Gandalf left . He said to them : " Good - bye ! Be good , take care of yourselves and don 't leave the path ! " The first day they found a river and a boat , Fili managed to hang it with a rope , but Bombur fell into the water and fell asleep for 4 days or more . In the meantime a white deer appeared , the dwarves lost their last arrows and started to despain . They didn 't know that the white deer was a sign , they weren 't that far from the end of the forest . Unfortunately they were attracted by an elvish - looking folks party . They followed them 3 times then something terrible happened … big spiders began to tie with their cobwebs Bilbo and the other , they were far from the path now . Hopefully Bilbo woke up in time , unsheathed his sword and kill the spider who was tidying him . ( For this reason he called his sword : Sting . ) To save the dwarves , Bilbo put on the magic ring , became invisible and began to throw stones in order to bring the spiders as far as he could and then came back to his friends . The first dwarf to be saved was Fili … there were still 5 dwarves in trap when the spiders began to return and , when all of them were set free , the battle began . Instead of looking for Thorin , Bilbo and the dwarves began to look for the path , but the wood - elves stopped them . Bilbo had the chance to put the ring on , but the other ones were brought to the cave of the King . They stayed there for about a week or two , while Bilbo looked for a way to set them free again . He managed to " borrow " the keys of the prisons and carried the dwarves to a stream that flowed to the east ; there they found a lot of empty barrels and waited in them until the elves put them in the stream . Bilbo sat over his barrel and looked at the landscape , until he saw the Mountain ! It was late day when the barrels , and the dwarves , arrived to the Long Lake , from there flowed the Forest River and on its bank the company found a Mens - town . The town was very powerful at Dales ' time , but now it was time for the dwarves to be set free ; after that , Bilbo , Fili , Kili and Thorin went to the Master of Lake - town . They managed to receive a house and all the medical care for the entire company . After a week the Master gave them three ships , ponies and food , they were ready for the last part of their route . After two days they arrived to the River Running , from there they could already see the Mountain . On the next day they disembarked and rode on their ponies . On the fourth day they reached the Desolation of Smaug : the area where no grass grew and no - one could survive . It was winter when they built up the first camp on a height called Ravenhill ; here Bilbo , Kili , Fili and Balin went to look for the Front Gate . They found it after days of search on the top of the cliff . A night passed by , then the group , except for Bofur and Balin who had to stay with the ponies , went up and tried to open the magical Gate . Fortunately the next day , by sunset , the lock appeared and Thorin opened the door . Bilbo , as a burglar , had to be the first to enter the cave … also Balin decided to enter , but stopped after a while and bade Bilbo " Good luck " . The hobbit , alone , put the ring on and began to follow a red light and a noise , like an animal snoring . He found himself in the dangeon - hall and saw Smaug asleep on an amount of precious things . Bilbo stole a cup and ran away back to the dwarves . After a little time , Smaug woke up : the cup was missing and this made him so angry that he came to the Gate ; Bilbo , Balin , Fili and Kili escaped in the tunnel , the other went to Bombur and Bofur , who were with the ponies , and saved them . The dragon came out , ate the ponies and began to fly around the Mountain , then he went back to his hall . Bilbo was sent there to talk with him ; as usual he put the ring on and started to speak with Smaug . The dragon wasn 't stupid , he knew that there were dwarves and started to confuse Bilbo with his speeches . When the hobbit returned to the rest of the company , he was worried , he felt uncomfortable and decided to shut the door and remain in the Mountain . The company waited in the darkness for days ; they had no idea about where Smaug was , so they decided to go down to the hall . The dragon wasn 't there and they began to look for a beautiful stone , the heart of the Mountain : the Arkenstone . Bilbo found it , but he decided to keep it for himself . From the hall , Thorin showed the way to the Front Gate , from there they went to the old guard room and had a rest . He was gone for about 2 days … he flew to the Lake - town and attacked it . There was a terrible battle : soon everyone tried to escaped , except Bard , the descendant of Birion , Lord of Dale . He managed to kill Smaug ! In the meantime a raven flew to the dwarves and announced the death of the dragon . The company reinforced the main entrance and remained informed by the ravens . Bard arrived and , after a long talk and a lot of refuses , declared the Mountain besieged . The dwarves and Bilbo were in a trap ! On the next day an embassy with 20 men , including Bard and the Elvenking , came to Thorin : they wanted to give him the Arkenstone and in exchange they wanted 1 / 14 in silver and gold . Thorin denied and the following day the other dwarves came . Battle was about to begin … This incredible battle was called : " The Battle of Five Armies " . The Goblins and the Wild Wolves against Elves , Men and Dwarves . Bilbo ran away , but saw the eagles fly upon his head and a stone hit him and he fell . Bilbo woke up , a man found him and carried him to the camp in the valley where he met Gandalf and Thorin . Thorin was injured and died . He was buried beneath the Mountain with the Arkenstone with his sword Urcrist . Dain , son of Nain , became King under the Mountain , 10 remained with him and Bilbo discovered that also Fili and Kili had died defending Thorin . Dain gave Bilbo two small chests full of silver and gold , then the hobbit and the wizard rode behind the Elvenking to the forest . There they decided to go along the edge , round its northern end with Beorn . The three arrived at Beorn 's house by mid - winter and Bilbo and Gandalf left by spring . They reached the Valley of Rivendell on May the First . They stayed there only a week , then they rode away . When they arrived home , Bilbo discovered that he was " Presumed Dead " , so all his furniture were being sold and he had to re - buy it . I started watching " The Lord of the Rings " films , when I was about 5 years old , I also read the Italian version of the books , but I 've never had the occasion and the ability to read the English version ! I really enjoyed this book , and I also found some differences from the Italian one . This summer I went to Bournemouth and I have looked for the book with the original illustration , the one by Tolkien . I found it , but it was too expensive , so I 've only looked at it . The illustrations were beautiful , they brought me to an other world , into Tolkien 's world ! I recommend this book to everyone . This is the kind of book which is perfect for girls who want to live a crazy adventure and for boys who want to feel what real fear is . This book is for everyone who has the time to imagine things , to create things , to just leave his life and live an adventurous adventure ! |
Rose had been married to a man who beat her daily , both physically and psychologically . She became dependant on her abuser and when he dies , she has no way to cope . She falls into a deep depression fuelled by years of anger and estrangement . When Nick is a young boy of age seven , still reeling from the death of his father , he becomes subject to Rose 's anger at the world . At first he just accepts the abuse , but then he learns to cope with it . As he grows older , Rose insists he become her constant companion and surrogate husband , to the detriment of his own development . He wants to make his mother better , and at the same time he is fighting hard to survive the race - the race for his own identity and freedom . " The Rose Amongst the Thorns " is the true story of three people and their will to survive and ultimately thrive as a family unit . What will they do when they find themselves thrown together ? How will they manage ? I awoke to the sound of my father making breakfast , the normal daily occurrences happening all around me . My feet crept out from under the heavy blankets to find the floor - the cold hard floor . I had forgotten what I had heard the night before . There was not much to remember , some cries and sobs . That 's all . I wandered out of my parents ' large bedroom and stepped into the small , steep stairwell that led downstairs . My father was still busy with his morning routine , but my mother wasn 't heard . I crept down the stairs , one by one and finally reached the bottom of the mountain . Slowly , I opened the door leading to the kitchen . My father stood at the table , still placing table mats and cutlery . Humming a happy tune , probably something he had heard on a jazz record , he looked up at me . There was no smile , no storm or tempest . The look was cold and his finger pointed towards the cereal he now poured into a bowl . I looked for my mother , she sat cowered in a corner chair . Her face , I saw it in its morning glory . The black and blue bruises mingled with her pale English rose complexion . I did not ask her what happened , for I knew . My father might have forgotten but she hadn 't . She wore the scars and those same scars turned her into the person she became later on . The village closest to our house could have been any small English town . Everyone had secrets . The drug - addicted chemist who neglected his duty , the bank manager who slowly fiddled the books to push money into his own coffers , the pious woman on the church board who was having an affair with two of her neighbour 's husbands . The village kept its secrets close to its hard boiled breast . I grew up learning that a smile was not necessarily kind and a cry of anger did not mean that a wrong had been committed . I knew that something was amiss everytime I saw an unguarded moment from the citizens . Eyes looked cold and lonely . Faces long and drawn . I could see the terror held by so many at the thought that their own problems might become the next ' red hot ' talking point . The age of miracles and the wonders of technology had not yet made itself known to the place I grew up and called home . Dances were still popular and school was still indebted to the class system . The Labour government of 1997 had not yet swept to power . I grew up in a hive of Conservatism , and I knew of nothing else . My father was staunchly Conservative , and my mother was told how to vote . She did , however , assert herself at times ; she would take pity on the Liberals . My father , always angry at this , would chide about the poor performance of the party at every election . It was not common to see a debate in our house . As in most English households of that era , my father 's word was law . The village was beautiful , outsiders found it to be a haven from the busy cities and towns littering the country . History once had been made in the area , wars won and crowns lost . Nobility still survived in the town and the Great Hall lay monument to its impressive past . Even the secrets could not take away from the grandeur of the place . The car pulled into the car park , nestled close to the war memorial in the main square . I stared out of the window and saw its huge mass as it lay a dark shadow over the cobblestones . My mother stepped out of the vehicle to do her daily shopping . I can only imagine the embarrassment she must have felt , her face bruised and bloated from her long night . She gazed at me and tried to smile . I smiled back as best I could and stepped out of the car and stood beside her . My hand reached up for the comfort of her own . There was nothing said , just a general knowledge that my mother would be the next discussion point at coffee mornings . My father , generally known as a great man , would not lose any of his stature . The villagers would blame my mother and she would be seen as a failed wife and mother . Her punishment already delivered and the embarrassment of carrying the scars would be considered an apt display of a husband 's right to beat his wife . Nobody would stand up for her , she knew that . The village would stare , point and scold her for his actions . We walked into the post office and I could feel the eyes of the town glaring at us . I could hear the whispers . I could hear them muttering to themselves and I am sure my mother could , too . This had not been the first beating , and would not be the last . It was just another morning of humiliation in our fair village . We managed to do our shopping in relative peace and headed home . The world was still turning . I looked up at my mother , her bruises still blue and ugly . The car pulled into a drive , not ours . This was the home of my mother 's adopted mother , Mrs Agatha . Her bungalow was out of town and she lived the rural way she had always known . There were no mod cons here , just a small bungalow and the land owner 's home across from her abode . The car stopped outside her house and she stepped out . I followed , the gravel under my feet crunching as I followed her into the dingy property . The décor was a mix of the old world and the older world . Clean , but smelling strongly of cheap cigarettes - I close my eyes now and still smell it . There she sat , in her small kitchen , her cup in her hand and cigarette in the ashtray balancing on her leg . My parents had lived in the bungalow across from her once . My mother had met Mrs Agatha a long time ago , and they had become fast friends . She smiled as she saw my mother walk into the room . " Nicholas had a nightmare and came in wanting a cuddle . I let him get into bed with us . He was terribly shaken up , " my mother 's voice broke with emotion . I had indeed had a nightmare . A ten - foot spider , or maybe Godzilla , had been chasing me . All I remember is that I was petrified and wanted to curl up with her and feel safe . Apparently , I had done something wrong . " I 've never seen him so angry , Agatha . I don 't know who he is anymore , " she was crying now . " He always wanted a child . I don 't know why he hates Nicholas so . " " I 've known Thomas a long time , Rose . I always thought he was incredibly selfish , " Mrs Agatha said , her voice saddened by my mother 's story . " He acts the big man , but he 's very insecure , I think . " " I know he is , Agatha , " my mother said , her voice stronger now . " I do everything I can to please him , but nothing is enough . He doesn 't even think Nicholas is his . " I collected the biscuits and brought them back into the lounge , sitting myself on the floor next to my mother . I wanted to comfort her . I wanted to be someone different - someone my father would love and approve of . I wanted to disappear . That night my mother was late picking up from work the man I had been encouraged to call Daddy . She had been caught behind a slow moving tractor . Edgy and tense , she tried to pass . No opportunity presented itself . I sat in the back . We watched as he walked out of work , still laughing from a joke one of his friends had told him . He drove steadily back home . I didn 't utter a word . Finally , we pulled into our familiar driveway . The sky darkened as our car headed toward the house . It looked cold and uninviting , but I knew that within an hour my mother would have it warm . There would be a fire burning in the lounge fireplace and warm food would be presented to my father . The food would have to be made within half an hour of his return . That was his mandate . If she ever passed that mark then he wouldn 't eat it . If he didn 't eat , then there would be a beating . Daddy had eaten dinner and now sat watching television . I sat still on the sofa reading a book . My mother sat silently , waiting for the next order from my father . My mother did not say anything . She jumped and ran off to get him the sandwich . My father looked at me and smiled . I was too young to know how sadistic he was , but I knew I had to fear him and not to underestimate him . My mother returned with the bacon sandwich . She walked slowly towards my father who sat still . Suddenly , he pointed towards the table on the other side of his chair . My mother moved in front of him and he tripped her up , she fell and the sandwich fell onto the floor . My father stood up and kicked the plate away . My mother tried to push herself up , but had winded herself . I watched my poor mother try to pick herself up . My father watched as she finally managed to get on her feet . I wanted to help , but fear overtook my body . I sat still and ended up staring at the ground . I hated him . My father was in pain . We all knew that he had problems with his back . Years of hard labour had taken their toll on his body , although he was still a fine figure of a man . He was ageing quickly , however . Nobody would have thought that his ailments would be caused by a disease . My mother wanted him to go and see a doctor . He did not want to , he made that clear . His answer was to take handful after handful of paracetamol to control the pain . It worked , at first . Motor Neurone Disease is a very under - publicised condition . My father didn 't know he had it . Then when he was finally diagnosed he refuted it , but eventually , he had no choice but to give into it . The anger he felt was displayed with every punch , kick or snarly remark . I felt lost , abused and lonely . My own father denied that I was his . I was , I knew that I was his child . Ever since one of his friends had jokingly told him that I could be someone else 's , my father had taken it to heart that I wasn 't . My mother took several beatings over his insecurity . My mother would cry , and try to defend herself . She knew that the end result would always be the same . The beating would be systematic . I felt so sorry for her . I wished nightly I could do more for her . The secret of his illness did not take long to infect the village . Everyone knew that he was dying . I knew it , before I was meant to know . One old woman came up to me in the middle of the village store . " I hear your father is dying , " she said , hoping for some juicy gossip or perhaps details of his ailment . I can see her face now , she was wrinkled . So wrinkled , old and broken down . I had nothing to say , what could I say ? The only thing I knew about death was that I knew Elvis was dead , and something about Princess Diana that I had heard on the TV . I was not told what death was . We arrived home and I helped to carry the groceries inside . The house was warm and ready for a night in the cold country air . We entered the house and my father sat there in front of the fire . By this time , he was in a wheelchair . The vibes were angry . My mother tried to ignore the atmosphere . I moved too close and he lunged at me with his pick - up stick . I managed to elude its blow . My mother was having a hard time coping , but she managed . There was not one person in the village , the almighty village , that offered to help her . My father fell over a couple of times as his strength continued to fail , and she could not lift him . She struggled , and finally managed to get him up and onto the toilet seat . By this time , his legs were gone . The disease was taking its hardest toll . He lashed out at her and many blows found their way to her body . Yet , even with all the abuse he had thrown at her she never once stopped caring for him , looking after him . I was never once neglected , I was always fed and loved . Something inside of her died though , she became tough and uncaring . The world had shown her that she was on her own . This woman was on twenty - four hour call to look after my father . He stabilized and came home for a while . Nurses and doctors came every day to see how he was doing . Never once did any of them consider the way my mother felt . She was stuck with the stress of a young boy and an ill husband . The worst times were at night . We could hear him downstairs , his breathing laboured and heavy . She would stay awake all night listening to him breathing , hoping that he would make the night . Sometimes she would try to read me a bedtime story , but he would scream up the stairs . She phoned her friend , a local doctor , who intervened . The problem was solved . I remained at home with my mother , and my father went back to the hospice . Soon thereafter , I had just come back from a school trip . Surprisingly , my mother did not come to collect me from school as she normally did . She sent one of her few friends from the village . I had no idea what I was doing here . This lady was kind and comforting , but I longed to see my mother again . I wanted her to tell me that things would be alright . I felt panic rising in my gut . Hours passed , darkness fell , and I wondered what was going on . No one explained . I thanked the lady for giving me a home for a few hours . Wayne looked down and smiled at me . There was something odd about how he looked at me , too . Something was wrong . I didn 't know it then , but my life would be changed forever . " Lori , this is Dr . Tanner again . It 's urgent that I speak with you . Please call me as soon as you receive this message ! " At the same time I was listening to the messages , I had opened my email . There was an email marked urgent , also from Dr . Tanner , giving me both her office number and cell number and asking me to contact her immediately . Whenever the doctor gives you her personal cell number , you know it 's not good . During the previous year , I started noticing I was becoming somewhat unstable on my feet . I was twisting my ankles frequently and stumbling up and down stairs . I put it down to fatigue and just general klutziness , although I 'd never been that way before . In September , I was in the yard after having taken care of the chickens and on my way back to the house I fell . Hard . I had my hands full with some flower pots and I stumbled and went down like a ton of bricks . At this time , I was also very heavy - 290 pounds or so - and that 's a lot of dead weight to have strike the ground . I literally landed on my face as the flower pots went flying yards away . I had gravel rash on my face and my knees and elbows were banged up . I shook it off and came into the house to sit down and ice my twisted ankle . I put it down to the general klutziness I had been experiencing more and more frequently . A few days later , I developed a headache . I shrugged it off as a delayed reaction to the fall and I took some Tylenol . After a week or so of no relief , I made a doctor 's appointment . I had no insurance and not a lot of money coming in , so this was a big decision . My doctor suggested I had incurred whiplash from the fall and recommended a chiropractor . Again , not being covered by insurance , chiropractic visits would need to come out of my ever - shrinking bank account . I saw the chiropractor twice and had no results ; in fact , my headaches were getting worse . Surely , it must have been trauma from that fall and if I was careful , it would resolve on its own . My doctor had given me a prescription for Vicodin which I was taking regularly with limited relief . Around the same time , I received an email from an astute , young Englishman who wanted to know more about the American healthcare system . I had been commenting on a political page on the internet and something I said piqued his interest . I felt quite passionately about the subject at the time - I had suffered this persistent headache for several weeks by this time , but due to my financial circumstances , I was resisting returning to the doctor . We had several email exchanges and there was something about this guy that fascinated me . He was highly intelligent and well spoken , and he had this hunger for knowledge and general curiosity which I really appreciated . His emails frequently started , " Tell me more about … . " and he eagerly absorbed the information I gave him and formulated more hypotheses and potential political solutions . Not only was he intelligent and friendly , he was incredibly respectful and polite . I liked him . I really liked him . When I discovered early on he was only twenty - two years old , I kept my feelings at arm 's length and intended to take him under my wing as an adopted younger brother . As I was to discover , my growing feelings were not to be kept at bay , however . My headaches continued and were becoming more than just annoying . I was popping Vicodin like M & Ms especially at night to help me sleep and dull the pounding . Over several weeks , I noticed I had to stop cross stitching , my favorite hobby , because my eyes were becoming very fatigued and I couldn 't see well , even with the help of reading glasses . I put it down to the pain of the headaches causing discomfort in my eyes . What I didn 't realize is my vision was beginning to fail . As October became November , I was chatting daily to Nick online . It became a habit and I began to anticipate seeing him sign into chat . When I saw " Nick is online " pop up on my screen and heard the ding of the notification , I always smiled and got that giddy butterfly tummy feeling . I felt like a silly high school girl again . I realized my feelings for him were deepening , but I continued to view him as a young man to whom I could impart my wisdom ( such as it is ) and guide on the path of life . I was still married , afterall , despite feeling it was in name only . We continued to talk politics and public policy and he educated me on British politics , of which I was completely ignorant . He slowly gave me some details about his life . He portrayed himself as a happy - go - lucky chap without a real care in the world . November passed relatively uneventfully , except the daily headaches were starting to take a toll on my sanity and my vision continued to decline . My Vicodin use was approaching Dr . House - like levels . I looked so forward to my daily conversations with Nick . They became the bright spot in my day , and I complained to him about how badly I was feeling and my frustration as to why this damn headache wasn 't going away . " Lori , this has been going on for too long . Why don 't you go back to the doctor ? I think something might really be wrong . " I could feel his concern coming through the chat window . " I 'm sure it 's nothing , Nick , " I said , sweeping my own concern under the carpet in my denial of what I really thought was going on . " It has to go away sooner or later . Anyway , you know this isn 't England . We don 't have free NHS like you lucky buggers over there . " " See ? Why don 't you look into it ? " he prodded . " I hate hearing you feeling so down . It 's no fun being ill . Besides , you haven 't been yourself . " Even in a few short weeks of chatting , he could see a marked difference in me . My most disappointing days were when I was in too much pain or my vision was too bad to actually sit at the computer . I retired to bed with a cloth over my eyes and my Vicodin bottle … . and missed him . Unlike Gene , he seemed to really care . The beginning of December came and I was still in daily , increasing pain , my vision was getting worse , and my balance was being affected . I realized it when I was walking from the computer room into the kitchen , a journey of about seventy - five feet , and I got so dizzy I walked into the wall . I thought it was because I hadn 't eaten much - afterall , I was going into the kitchen because I was hungry ! The dizziness waned that day , but continued to worsen in duration and severity over the next few weeks . About two weeks before Christmas I woke up from sleep and felt absolutely dreadful . The moment I moved from a supine position , I felt instantly and overwhelmingly nauseous . I barely made it to the toilet before wretching . Of course , the action of vomiting felt like it split my head wide open . " Great , I have the flu on top of all this , " I thought . As much as I wanted to deny it , a niggling reality would not be ignored . " I want a divorce ! I want a divorce ! " he had screamed at me the night before . Things had been getting bad between us for a few years and I had let things slide the last few months due to not feeling well . The house was a mess , the laundry piling up , I didn 't cook like I used to . Sex had been out of the question . He couldn 't grasp I wasn 't just being lazy - I really felt seriously ill . He couldn 't , or wouldn 't , hear it . There was no quality communication between us anymore . Perhaps there really never had been . I vomited multiple times a day for several days , each time feeling like an axe was splitting my head open , trying to eat soup and saltines and make it all go away . After a week , I knew that I had to go back to the doctor . I made an appointment for the next day , still insistent I had the flu and just needed an anti - viral and of course , more Vicodin . I couldn 't walk on my own from the car to the doctor 's office . Remember how you felt as a kid after spinning around and trying to walk ? Add the worst migraine you can imagine and that was close to how it felt . Gene , whom I had requested drive me , helped me into the office . Ah , yes , an MRI . I knew an MRI was in the cards and I had no idea how I would afford it . The coffers were approaching empty . We were already rationing food and eating our own chickens ' eggs as a staple . How do I get an MRI ? I came home and contacted a radiology center in a city about an hour away . " Hi , " I said casually . " I suspect I may have a brain tumor and I need an MRI but I have no insurance . What is your cash payment rate for a scan ? " A hardship grant ! One thing I can do is write a good letter , so I sat down with my aching head , my poor vision , my puking guts , and my now weakening right hand and typed up a letter detailing the history of my symptoms and our financial situation . I pleaded for help . I faxed it off and waited . " That 's good , isn 't it ? " he said . " But , I guess that means she thinks you have a problem ? " His concern and fear came through , even in a chat window . " I sent a letter to the radiology place . They might be able to get me a reduced price on the scan , " I explained . " Otherwise , it will be a fortune . " " I know . I wish you could , too , " I said . I wished I were in England for more than just an MRI . " I 'm sure they 'll come up with something . " " Anyway , I know it 's probably nothing serious , " I tried to reassure both of us . " I still wonder if I just knocked something out of whack with that fall a few months ago . " I knew that was bullshit . I wanted to reassure him that I would be fine , that it would be nothing and I 'd be right as rain soon . I don 't think I was too convincing , however . I felt his ( ( ( ( hugs ) ) ) ) through the chat window as if he was really there . I missed him . I wanted him there taking care of me since Gene was doing the bare minimum and grudgingly at that . I wanted Nick 's love . About two hours later , I received a phone call from the director of the radiology center . My hardship request had been approved at 100 % coverage . No payment required . Free ! ! She booked me in for an appointment the next morning . That morning , I woke up , did my now requisite wretching , and asked Gene to help me dress as I was so off balance I couldn 't even put on my jeans . He helped me and perhaps was now just realizing how bad off I really was . He had to put on and tie my shoes also as I couldn 't bend over because of the pain . I gathered my purse and a puke bag for the car - just in case . The hour drive down winding mountain roads , in a vehicle with hard suspension , just about did me in . I vomited several times before reaching the radiology center and was so wobbly when I arrived , I needed to take the elevator to the second floor . I was holding onto Gene for dear life as I couldn 't even stand on my own . The technician came to take me back for the MRI and fortunately he was a big guy as he needed to help me down the corridor and onto the table . As he helped me sit on the edge of the platform , I pitched forward because I was so dizzy . Thankfully , his 6 ' 2 ″ , very muscular frame kept me from ending up on the floor . I 'm not sure I could have gotten up if I had fallen over . As sick as I was , I was feeling very positive . I knew this would show the problem and everything would be OK . The MRI lasted thirty or forty minutes as I lay there , trying not to move . I knew the importance of clear pictures and I was determined , despite my dizziness and overwhelming nausea , to have a clear scan . It was another hour of the same winding , mountain roads on the way home , and while Gene was showing some compassion at this point and driving as gently as he could , I was still vomiting every ten minutes or so . I believe he really started to understand the gravity of my situation at this point . He became the Gene I used to know - loving and caring and concerned . It was a welcome change from the last few years of derision and belittlement I had felt from him , but I knew my heart was already elsewhere . It was too late . Reply Three words : OMG ! ! I read the original posting and loved it , but this just blew me away . Lori , you had a freaking BRAIN TUMOR ? ? ? ! ! ! And Nick , what you 've clearly endured is just so mind - boggling . I can 't wait to read the full story . It better have a happy ending ! You two clearly deserve it ! Reply Haha Thanks , Amanda ! I can assure you it has an awesome ending ! : ) ) Thanks so much for your comments . Watch this space for a publishing date , hopefully soon ! Btw , Lori said she 's always been a bit off - kilter , so the brain tumour didn 't do too much damage LOL ! Reply Thanks Alison ! I 'm glad you enjoyed it ! It 's been a great experience writing this book and I 'm just so glad everyone likes it so much ! 🙂 As always you 're wonderful 🙂 Reply Thanks Scott ! I 'm sorry it wasn 't right for your publishing company . The very best of luck with the horror novels ! 🙂 I am just glad you liked it enough to comment . Reply Thanks Gaz ! Well we all have our crosses to bear . He wasn 't a father , but then he didn 't pretend to be . I 'm just glad its all over and I had Lori 's help to do so ! I 'm so glad you enjoyed it . You are truly a great guy Gaz 🙂 Reply Thank you Mr Robson ! I find it unsettling too , it gets happier though ! Thank you for the comment and I 'm glad you managed to get all the way through ! 🙂 Reply Great work Nick , great story & writing enabled me to fully grasp a story I had never read before . It also shows me why we connected as you & Lori seem as REAL as they get ! Keep at it , cannot wait to read more ! Reply Thanks sir ! I 'm glad it came across so well and the story came through in technicolour ! The book is actually completed and will hopefully be released soon . Thank you for the comment and I 'm so happy that you liked it ! Reply These are life experiences we can all learn and benefit from . Great to see you 've both found your life 's calling and looking forward to seeing sequels to your books . Blessings ! Reply Thanks Wil ! I 'm so happy you believe as I do that these experiences are to be shared and learnt from . A large part of writing this book was to help others get through these same problems . There 's a prequel planned already ! Reply Nick , my brother , I am hooked ! I love the story and I really want to get it all . This story is captivating and so capturing . I really feel the angst in the lives of these people . This has to get into a spotlight and flow like a river . Have you completed the book or not ? Reply Thanks Mr Powers , brother , friend and great writer ! I am so glad you liked it . To have you captivated really tells me that our work has merit . The manuscript is fully completed and I am currently working on a fresh manuscript called " My Friend Imre " , a Y / A book . Lori is working a new book too ! Reply Nick and Lori , be sure I shall be praying long and hard for you to be blessed supernaturally and I shall never forget how much you want to live here near me . Please keep me posted and this reading strengthens the bond we both are feeling and the relationship I feel cooming out of this chatting . Would love to meet you and Lori face to face . Reply Thanks Ed , well I can 't wait to live close to you . We can fish and hang out . In itself that would be a blessing ! 🙂 I also feel that strong bond and enjoy every chat we have . I will be sure to keep you posted and don 't worry we will both be coming to meet you very soon ! 🙂 Reply Thanks Mr Cobb for all the praise and all the credit you have given our work . I would just like to tell everyone that you are a writer of note and have many books on the market . I am a huge fan and would recommend every single one of your books to my readers . I know what you mean about the healthcare and I wish things were different . I felt the fear of knowing what Lori was going through when she had no insurance to pay for treatment . I hope that you stay in good health ! You are a giant of a writer Douglas and a great human being ! Thank you for taking the time to comment . I am not sure what I was expecting , but it wasn 't this . I this the writing is really good . Both of you have a style that is easy to read and fluid . There is no jumping around and it is easy to follow . It is also written in a way that leaves you wanting more . A very provocative , powerful read . Keeps your interest from beginning to end . Good flow of content . Best of Luck with the release and to a lucrative career ! Reply Thanks Gene ! Coming from a talented writer like yourself - that 's a real compliment ! ! ! I 'm glad you enjoyed it so much ! I wish you the best of luck with your latest book ! 🙂 Reply It left me waning to know what happens next on both sides . I enjoyed the psychological insights . It 's interesting reading two different sides of infidelity , accused and actual . The story gets me into the first - person perspective of both characters , partly with intriguing personal details . I think people could benefit from reading this . I hope it gets published ! Reply Thanks Dave . Yes , there is quite a bit of implied psychological analysis in the book . Effects of trauma ( both physical and emotional ) , coping mechanisms ( or lack thereof ) , and ultimately , healing . Reply What a great story . The characters are so compelling and it really leaves you wanting to know what happens next . Can 't wait to read the next chapter and see how the stories come together ! Reply Excellant story Lori and Nick . . It 's been a long time since I read a book that I didnt want put down until I finished it . This is that story . I can 't wait until it 's on sale . I most definatley will be purchasing it when it does . its sad , yet compelling well done you guys xx Reply Thanks Caroline ! I am so glad you enjoyed it . I guess it just goes to show that good things do come from bad . It sometimes shocks me that we lived through all that . In some ways I think it gets pushed to the back of your mind as you move forward . When it is all put together - it 's a shock to the system . Reply Wow what an amazingly gripping story . I had heard bits and pieces on fb , but to hear the full version is remarkable . I can not wait to hear the rest of the book … xx Reply The first time I tried to read this I was pressed for time & thought I could fly through it . Not . I knew I needed to have some quiet time and not be interrupted . I 'm glad I waited . Reply There for the grace of god go you or I . To think that this is true is truly heart breaking . You are 2 insperental people that you have come out the other side of this and moved forward . Can 't wait for the book to come out so I can read it in full . Thank you for being honest xxx |
Kenny shivered as he pushed his bike up the path . He was very cold and very scared . His mother was going to kill him . No doubt about it . " But , mom , I 'm thirteen . I can take care of myself . I 'm careful when I 'm down by the river . Nothing will happen . " " I said no , young man , and I mean it . The river is running very high and fast with all the melting snow from the mountains . It 's too dangerous . You 're not leaving this house until you promise me that you 'll stay away . " At the time , he had been serious about his promise . After leaving the house , he went around the neighborhood looking for his friends but he couldn 't find anyone . Out of boredom , he went to the bridge to watch the water . He felt that he wasn 't really disobeying his mother . There were lots of people on the bridge . It was safe up here . But , in no time at all , he found himself walking his bike down the path that led to that special place from which he got a great view of the rushing water . Also , down there , he could hear the river as it flowed by , without the interference of traffic noise . All his life , the river had fascinated him . He loved to watch the water . He felt that he had even discovered some of its secrets . For instance , it was constantly changing colors , never staying the same . Sometimes it looked blue , sometimes green , and sometimes black . Also , the changing light never stopped modifying the river 's shape . Even at night , with no moon visible , it still sparkled in his eyes . When he spoke about his love of the river to his friends they thought he was crazy . He didn 't know why he was so fascinated by it , he just was . He couldn 't get enough of it . But , today , the river had betrayed him and he felt miserable . He had been standing about three feet away from the water 's edge when the bank suddenly crumbled . He was up to his shoulders in icy water before he knew it . He felt panic surging inside him as he clawed at the riverbank trying to establish a firm grip . All he got were fistfuls of mud and grass . The current was relentlessly tugging at him . Luckily , he quickly floated to a large tree branch that was hanging just above the water . He grabbed it and slowly pulled himself back to shore . He crawled away from the river about seventy - feet downstream from where he went in . He began shaking as he realized how near he had come to being swept away . Then he remembered the promise he had made to his mother . His spirits slipped even lower . " I fell into the river , " he answered . " My mom is going to kill me when she finds out . I 'm gonna get grounded for the rest of spring break , I just know it . " " No , really . I 'm serious . What if you came over to my house and we washed and dried your clothes before you went home . Your mom would never have to know . " " We don 't have to . She 's at work all day . And so is my dad . My older sister and I are alone at home . She 's in college ; she won 't care . " Kenny was getting more excited about this sudden good fortune until he remembered that his mom was expecting him home for lunch . There wouldn 't be enough time to wash and dry his clothes , especially his shoes . He voiced his concern to the other boy . " You can call her from my house and tell that you met a new friend and that you got invited to stay for lunch . By the way , my name is Artie . Artie Halsted . We moved here last fall . I go to Willowhaven School . " " Sure , why not ? " Artie answered confidently . " At the very least , you 'll get a warm shower and a little time to think of what you 're going to say if you get caught . Come on . Let 's get over to my house . " Kenny removed his shoes , socks and jacket at the back door . By now the water had mostly stopped dripping from his clothes and hair . He gently walked across the kitchen and up the back stairs that led to the bathroom . Artie told him to take off all his clothes and to hand them to him in the hallway . The shower felt wonderful . There was plenty of hot water and Kenny luxuriated in its warmth . He dried off and gingerly opened the bathroom door . " No , that 's not what I mean , " Artie continued . " I wear regular clothes . It 's just that … Oh , God , you 've got to promise that you won 't tell anyone about what I 'm going to show you . Please … , " he said in a begging voice . Kenny followed him . They were in a very large bathroom , complete with and old fashioned claw - footed tub and full shower . His first thought was to wonder why Artie hadn 't invited him to shower here . Artie went over to a long , padded counter . Under the counter there were stacks of odd looking white towels . " These are my diapers , " Artie explained . " I 've never been completely dry . Sometimes , I even have number two accidents if I can 't get to a bathroom fast enough . You won 't tell anyone , will you ? " Artie begged again . " That 's OK . I just don 't know what to say . I 've always worn them so I can 't compare them to anything else . " He pulled the pants up his legs and tightened the belt to the last notch . The were extremely loose . As soon as he let go they started sliding down past his hips . Artie suspected that Kenny wanted to wear one of his diapers . He decided to push the point . " I hope they don 't fall off when my sister is around . " Artie carefully laid out one of his diapers . He also took out a pair of plastic pants and laid them at the foot of the table . Kenny didn 't object or question why he had taken out the plastic pants . Artie took this as confirmation that Kenny wanted to go ' all the way . ' Artie used six pins to expertly pin Kenny into the diaper . Kenny felt oddly secure . The smell of the baby powder brought back distant memories . He jumped as Artie started pulling the plastic pants up his legs . The next step was to call Kenny 's mother . She asked to speak to Artie 's older sister . After she got the phone number and satisfied herself that everything was alright she gave her permission for Kenny to stay until 5 : 30 . The guys returned to Artie 's room and played around on the computer . They talked about their families and school friends . Artie had two older sisters . The oldest was already married and his other sister , Dana , was finishing college this year . Her room was on the top floor of the house . Kenny mentioned that his parents were divorced . He was an only child . His dad had abandoned him and his mom six years ago . Nobody knew where he was . " I guess it 's OK , " Kenny answered , " I 'm used to it . I just wish that my mom wasn 't so strict . She never lets me do anything I want to do . " " Nice to meet you Kenny . You must be a special friend of Artie 's . He never lets anyone come up to his room or see his bathroom . " The three went down to the kitchen . Artie and Kenny set out bowls , glasses and utensils while Dana took charge of the stew . Kenny was extremely conscious of the noise made by his plastic pants . He hoped that Dana would think it came from Artie . " Good , I 'm glad . " Jumping to another topic , she added , " I 'm leaving for class at 1 : 30 . If either of you guys needs his diaper changed before then just let me know . " " I 'm sorry , " she said to Kenny . " While you were reaching into the cabinets to get the bowls I saw the top of your plastic pants . It 's OK . I 've been taking care of Artie ever since he was born . It 's no big deal to me . I wouldn 't tell anyone about your diapers . " " Don 't trip out over it . She doesn 't care . She 'll change our diapers before she leaves and then you can change back into your clothes and go home whenever you want . Relax . It 's no big deal . " " My mom works as an environmental scientist for the EPA . She 's totally against disposables . She says that they make waste dumps fill up faster and that a lot of diapers are not environmentally friendly . She says it does less damage to wash cloth diapers and plastic pants than to just use a disposable once and then throw it away , especially if the person is going to be wearing diapers for a long time . " " You asked me before what it felt like to wear diapers . You 'll only know the half of it if you don 't wet one . Come back . I 'll show you how . " Kenny stood in front of the toilet trying to imagine that he was peeing into it . After a few seconds his hands went up and positioned themselves against his plastic pants . A few drops of pee came out . And then a few more . All of a sudden it was a steady stream as he emptied his bladder . A smile crossed his lips as the warmth spread throughout his crotch . The flow stopped and he opened his eyes . Artie was looking at him intently . Talking about it was giving him an embarrassing erection . He hoped that Artie wouldn 't notice . They were interrupted by a clinking noise from downstairs . Kenny panicked . " No . Chill out . That was the mail slot . . . Hey , I wonder if my new games have arrived . Let 's go see . " Artie suggested . " Sure , I do it all the time . I practically never wear pants inside the house . Everybody 's used to it . And , besides , only my sister is home . She already knows you 're wearing a diaper . " Kenny nervously walked downstairs with Artie . There was a big window in the front door covered only by a sheer curtain . Kenny felt terribly exposed . Artie casually walked up to the mail slot and scooped up the pile of mail . " For one thing , " Artie said reasonably , " there isn 't enough time . It will only take her a few seconds to go through the mail . Besides , I 've already told you , it 's no big deal to her . " " Here , take these , " Artie instructed . " Give them to my sister when she comes to change us . That way she 'll think that they 're your stuff and not mine . " Dana 's footsteps approached the room . Kenny felt trapped , but thrilled at the same time . His feeling were so mixed up he didn 't know which way to go . Dana went over to the sink and , under warm water , wet a towel that looked like a mitten . She came back and began gently cleaning Kenny 's diaper area . His erection was almost instantaneous . The color rose in his cheeks yet one more time . " Don 't be embarrassed . It happens to my brother all the time . It 's perfectly natural . Now , roll over so I can clean your bottom . " Dana didn 't ask any more questions as she powdered him and pinned on a fresh diaper . This diaper was much thicker than the first one he had worn . She grabbed the plastic pants and pulled them up his legs and over the diaper . " Uh oh , " she said , " I think you took the wrong plastic pants for this diaper . These are way too small . You must have mixed them up with a pair for a thinner diaper . Let me find one of Kenny 's that will fit properly . " Sure enough , the sun was doing its job . Kenny 's shoes were almost wearable again . They put the clothes in the dryer and went back upstairs . They lost track of time as they played the new pinball games against each other . An hour later the buzzer from the dryer warned them it was time to take out Kenny 's clothes . They brought them back to Artie 's room . Kenny reluctantly looked at the clothes laid out on the bed . Kenny froze . It was only 3 : 45 . They had taken his clothes out of the dryer only fifteen minutes ago . He hadn 't heard anyone come in or he would have at least put his pants on . Once again , a stranger was looking at him wearing a very wet diaper . " Kenny had an accident this morning . His mom is really strict and he was afraid to go home so I told him we could wash his clothes here . Even his shoes got wet , " Artie explained . Kenny was dying from embarrassment . The word ' accident ' could only mean one thing to Mrs . Halsted . She must think that he had wet his pants . Kenny sat on the edge of the tub trying not to stare as Artie got his diaper changed . But his fascination took hold of him and he couldn 't stop himself . He noticed that Artie clearly enjoyed being changed . As Dana had told him , Artie had an erection throughout the whole process . So did Kenny . When it was his turn , Kenny found out that Mrs . Halsted was even gentler than Dana . She had a soft touch that sent a tingle up his spine . No wonder Artie had seemed so thrilled . Artie came back just as Mrs . Halsted was doing the final check on Kenny 's plastic pants . Artie put the wet diaper and plastic pants into the bag and quickly returned to the bedroom . He was followed a few seconds later by Kenny and Mrs . Halsted . He looked guilty of something . " Are these your clothes , Kenny ? " Mrs . Halsted asked , examining them closely to see how good a job Artie had done in washing them . " What size pants are these ? " she asked Kenny . ( Artie sighed and rolled his eyes . ) " Just as I thought , " she remarked . " You 're getting new pants tomorrow . I don 't want to see you wearing those other pants again . " " Well I don 't and that 's final . Besides , your diapers do not show . Now take them off and put them neatly back on the bed for Kenny . " They lost track of time again and Mrs . Halsted had to come up to remind Kenny that it was time for him to leave . She checked his diaper ( which was still dry ) and watched as he changed into his own clothes . She reminded him to take ' his ' wet diaper and plastic pants home . " Inside the bag , " Artie answered . " Sorry , they 're probably all wet but I couldn 't think of where else to put them . I didn 't want my mother to see them and get suspicious . " " Oh , hello , Mrs . Halsted . Kenny enjoyed Artie 's hospitality very much . He told me all about it during dinner . I hope he was well behaved . " " Just perfect , I assure you . I 'm calling to say how pleased I am that Artie has met someone like Kenny . He doesn 't make friends easily , especially with his special needs . " Mrs . Braken didn 't know what she meant . Kenny hadn 't mentioned anything about Artie being disabled . In a way , she was proud of him for this . Whatever Artie 's problems were , Kenny obviously respected his privacy . " Of course , it 's always easier when both boys have the same special needs . " Mrs . Halsted continued . " Anyway , Artie would like to invite Kenny for a two - night sleepover this week during spring break if it would be alright with you . I told him that he shouldn 't talk to Kenny until we had spoken . What do you think ? I can guarantee that Kenny will be properly looked after . " " I 'm sure he would , " Mrs . Braken agreed . " Kenny doesn 't have any plans for this week . It would be entirely up to him to accept Artie 's invitation . Are you sure you would want him for two nights ? " " One night . Two nights . It 's all the same to us . There wouldn 't be that many extra diapers one way or the other . " Mrs . Braken was getting confused . Did Mrs . Halsted say diapers ? That must be Artie 's special needs . But why tell her about it ? And what did one or two nights have to do with it ? " Speaking of diapers , I apologize for sending Kenny home with his wet diaper in a plastic bag . I don 't know what I was thinking . I could easily have laundered it here and given it back to him when he visits Artie again . Also , don 't worry about returning the diaper and plastic pants that Kenny borrowed from Artie . Kenny can bring them back anytime . " " What is this woman talking about ? " Mrs . Braken thought to herself . Why would Kenny bring a wet diaper home ? Why would he borrow a diaper from Artie ? She was beginning to have doubts about letting Kenny go over there again . This woman was obviously confused , to say the least . " Don 't be silly , " Mrs . Halsted answered . " Kenny was probably as excited as you were to discover another boy who wears diapers . I 'm sure he 's told his mom all about it . " " But , mom , Mrs . Braken doesn 't need all the details . Kenny might not have told her that you and Dana changed his diapers twice today . You saw how embarrassed he was when you changed him , don 't embarrass him more . Please . " " I 'm sorry for the interruption . It seems that Artie has just gotten shy about his diapers . Anyway , don 't worry about a thing . If Kenny accepts the invitation to sleep over Dana and I will see to it that Kenny gets his diapers checked and changed regularly . I don 't know how Kenny is , but sometimes Artie waits too long to ask for a change . " Mrs . Braken hung up the phone in a daze . What did all this mean ? Should she confront Kenny right now or wait for him to talk to her ? She decided to wait . Kenny came down from his room later in the evening to say goodnight . She thought she heard the gentle rustle of plastic pants but maybe it was just her imagination . After Kenny was in bed she went online and read several interesting articles . She then visited other sites and copied several phone numbers . Just before going to bed herself , she went into Kenny 's room to check on him . She carried a small flashlight . She went over to the bed , gently lifted the covers and shined the light under them . Kenny was still wearing the diaper and , from the look and smell of it , it was wet . Her mind was now firmly made up . The next morning Mrs . Braken got up early and had made several phone calls before she heard Kenny 's shower running . He seemed to be taking a very long shower this morning . She correctly guessed that he was rinsing out the two diapers and plastic pants in an attempt to keep the smell down in his room until he could figure out what to do with them . " No ! It can 't be . My mom would have said something . She hasn 't said anything to me . She 'd go ballistic if she knew . " He hung up the phone and calmed himself . Artie must be messing around with his head . If his mom knew about the diapers … well , she would say something , to put it mildly . Kenny got to Artie 's house in less than ten minutes . The first thing he did was to hand Artie the diapers and plastic pants from the day before . They went inside to talk . " I 'm not lying , " Artie insisted . " I was standing right next to my mom when she told your mom about sending you home with a wet diaper in a shopping bag and about you borrowing one of mine to wear . I tried to stop her but she wouldn 't listen . I swear it . " Kenny 's head was in turmoil . He didn 't want to believe Artie but he couldn 't think of a reason why he would make up such a story . He also couldn 't understand why his mother hadn 't asked him about it . " Why ? " Artie responded . " If she knows and hasn 't done anything about it yet then it probably means that she thinks it was just some teenage thing that will go away by itself . At least she doesn 't know about the river . " " Yeah . I hadn 't thought of that , " Kenny said , suddenly feeling much better . " If she knew about the river it would be much worse . It 's just kind of weird , though , that she knows that I let your mother change my diaper . But , I guess you 're right . There 's nothing to worry about . " " Well , I 'm glad that 's over with , " Artie continued . " The real reason my mom called your mom was to find out if she would allow you to have a sleepover with me on Friday and Saturday night . Your mom said it was OK with her , but that it was your decision . You could come over Friday morning and then go home Sunday after lunch . Please say yes . I 've never had anybody sleepover before . " " Sorry . I didn 't mean it to sound that way . I want to do it . It 's just that I would have to wear diapers , wouldn 't I ? What if your mom tells my mom again ? " " I don 't think she will . There would be no need to . I think that she 'd only talk to your mom if she thought that you had misbehaved . Please say you 'll come . " " We can take care of that . Just bring a big bag and we 'll load it up with some of my extra supplies . I 've got lots and lots of extras . Besides , it 's my job to wash my own diapers and plastic pants . If I start running low I can do a wash without my mom getting suspicious . In fact , she 'll probably insist that I wash our diapers as we go along . She doesn 't like them to pile up . " The guys talked a little while longer before Kenny had to head home for lunch . Before he left , Artie told him that he had to go to two different doctors on Wednesday and Thursday . They were going to put him through a series of tests to see if an operation would do him any good . They probably wouldn 't see each other again until Friday morning . Kenny spent Wednesday and Thursday with his friends from school . His thoughts , however , kept returning to Artie and his medical exams . He hoped that Artie would be alright . Friday morning finally came . Kenny realized that he was anxious to see Artie again . He wanted to know how the tests had gone and , he was maked to admit , he was looking forward to spending two - and - a - half days wearing diapers with his friend . " I knew you 'd wait until the last minute so I took care of it yesterday . I 've got your bag in the car . I 'll drop it off on my way to the market . I assume you 'll want to take your bike over to Artie 's . This way you won 't have to lug your heavy bag all the way over there . " " These two days are a break for me , too . I don 't want you back here every ten minutes rummaging around for something else . I 'm looking forward to some peace and quiet , " she said laughing . Kenny 's mom left first . He took about twenty minutes to pick out the extra stuff he wanted to take with him . It wasn 't much but he threw it all into a backpack anyway . When he rolled into Artie 's driveway , Artie seemed upset about something . Kenny greeted Mrs . Halsted and Dana as he made his way up to Artie 's room . He tried to not look worried . He only half succeeded . Mrs . Halsted and Dana thought that it had to do with him being embarrassed about them changing his diapers . " When your mom dropped off your bag I was surprised that if felt so full . I wondered why you had packed so much stuff . Then , when I opened it to add my diapers and plastic pants this is what I found , " he said , pointing to stacks of neatly folded diapers and plastic pants . " Your name is even sewn into each one . " Kenny sat down on the floor next to the bag . Artie was right . These were his diapers and plastic pants . His mother must have done this . But what did it mean ? " You know what else is weird ? " Artie asked . A questioning look from Kenny prompted him to continue . " Brand new plastic pants have a special smell all their own . They lose that smell once they 've been washed . Your plastic pants don 't have that special smell . I think your mom washed them at least once so that my mom wouldn 't think that all your stuff was brand new . " " Of course , " Kenny said smiling . He was almost finished looking through the bag . " What are these ? " he asked holding up a thick strip of white cloth about as long as a diaper but only about eight inches wide . " Dude , your mom 's thought of everything ! Those are diaper doublers . They fit inside your diaper so that it can hold more pee and you won 't have to get changed as often . Please say that you 'll wear them ! Maybe my mom will think it 's a good idea and get some for me , too . " Yeah , that would 've helped , wouldn 't it ? But for right now , I think you ought to get into one of these diapers . My mom could come and check on us at any time . " Despite the shock of discovering that his mother had bought him these diapers , he was still very excited about wearing them . He loved the smell and feel of the powder and the security of being encased inside a thick diaper and plastic pants . He even found that the extra thickness provided by the diaper doubler added extra excitement . " OK , " he shouted through the door . " See , I told you , " he whispered , " my mom is here to check up on us . It 's a good thing you 're wearing a diaper . " Mrs . Halsted smiled at the two diaper - wearing boys . " I hope you 'll be comfortable this weekend , Kenny . If you need anything please let Artie or me know . " She started walking away when she remembered something else . " Your mom left this note for you , " she said handing Kenny an envelope . Kenny stared at the envelope for a long time . Artie left him alone and went over to his computer . Kenny sat down on the bed . He tore through the flap and pulled out a folded sheet of paper . I hope that you are not too upset with me . I know that it must have been a shock to open up your bag and discover the diapers and plastic pants . Before you make any final judgments , please let me explain . Do you remember how hard your toilet training was ? Probably not . ( It was a real trial and I blame myself for everything that happened as a result . ) You fought me all the way . Finally , after a series of rewards and punishments ( mostly punishments , I am ashamed to admit ) you were toilet trained . But something had been broken in your spirit as a result . While you were in diapers you were a happy , outgoing baby ; after toilet training you withdrew . You became sullen and shy . You had lost your adventurous spirit . When you got home Monday and told me about your day with Artie did you realize how animated and happy you were ? You had never made friends with someone so fast . I was amazed and proud of you . Please believe that I was not spying on you , but before going to bed that night I checked on you . I saw that you still had the diaper on and that you were sleeping in it even though it was wet . I then and there resolved to give you the opportunity to make up your own mind about what you wanted . If you want to continue wearing diapers full time , don 't do anything except have an enjoyable weekend . If , on the other hand , you don 't want to wear diapers full time or you are unsure , give me a call before twelve o ' clock today and we will talk . Either way , know that I love you very much and that I only want what you want . Your loving mother " Wow , " Kenny said handing the note to Artie . " Yeah , on you . For the last two days I 've thought of nothing else but wearing diapers this weekend . I know that I want to wear them full time but , if you get your operation , I don 't want to be the only one using them . " " Then there you have it , " she chirped . " There 's a basketball hoop behind the garage . If you get bored with that , you can go down to the park and find other boys to play with . " " Call it what you like , then . All I 'm saying is that I want you out of the house this afternoon . Tonight , your dad and I have already decided that we 're going to a movie at the Cineplex . We 've already picked out the one we want to see . After you finish eating , why don 't you look in paper and see if they 're playing anything you 'd be interested in ? " Apparently the Halsteds went to the movies regularly . Artie had already gone out with his dad to see two of the movies that Kenny was interested in . ( He felt a stab of jealousy because Artie had a dad to take him places . ) Eventually , they settled on the new action picture that had just been released . " Good , now that that 's settled let 's get your diapers changed , " Mrs . Halsted said . " Artie has cleared out some space in his changing table for your diapers and plastic pants . Let 's unpack them now so things will be more convenient . " Kenny may have been embarrassed but Mrs . Halsted found him enchanting . " I bet he doesn 't have a clue as to how the girls are going to fight tooth and nail for his attention within the next couple of years . I hope he doesn 't fall into the clutches of someone who will try to manipulate him because of his special needs . " " Sure , " Artie answered , " that 's one of the things I like best about this house . There 's a real high fence all the way around the backyard . It 's real private . " " So ? Isn 't that what it 's for ? And by the way , I 'd keep my voice down if I were you . I said nobody can see into the backyard , I didn 't say they can 't hear what goes on . " " I don 't think my mom would be too happy if we went back into the house and played on my computer . Do you want to take our bikes to the shopping center and look around for a while ? Maybe the computer store has got some new stuff . And there 's also the music store we can look around in . " They spent barely an hour at the shopping center . Their next stop was the park to check things out . It , too , was mostly empty . They guessed that most kids their age must have gone on trips with their families during spring break . They put their bikes down and sat under the trees . The talked about lots of things . After some discussion , they agreed that their favorite sports were basketball , football , hockey , and soccer , in that order . Kenny also talked about his newfound diaper desires . He was worried what his friends would say if and when they found out . Artie wanted to sympathize with him but since he was a life - long diaper wearer all of his friends already knew what he wore . There was only one thing that he could think to say but he didn 't think that Kenny was ready to hear it : there was no if about Kenny 's friends finding our about his diapers , only awhen . " Not exactly , but I was on the basketball team - the head benchwarmer , " he said wryly . " I only played in three games and scored a whopping season total of one point . Maybe I should just quit going out for sports . " " Don 't say that , " Artie said , " you should never quit doing what you like even if you can 't do it as well as you want . I know what I 'm talking about . At Willowhaven School there are lots of kids who have real problems . Some can 't walk , some can barely talk , and some have to have someone help them do the simplest things , like eating . My wetting problem is so small by comparison . Whenever I want to give up on something I remember them and I feel ashamed that I thought of quitting . " Artie paused for a few seconds . " Sorry , I didn 't mean to get all preachy . " " Into the shower first , then I 'll put you into fresh diapers . " Mrs . Halsted ordered . " Dad is coming home soon . We 'll go out for an early dinner and then head for the movies . Now , let 's move it ; there 's not a lot of time . " Once again , Kenny thought that Mrs . Halsted 's diapering was heavenly . The baby powder smelled so sweet and her touch was so gentle . He wished that life could go on like this forever . " Look , " he had said in an exasperated tone , " everyone in my family knows that you wear diapers . They know that I go around the house without my pants on . It 's only natural that they would expect you to do the same thing . You 've got to get over this fear of my family seeing your diapers and plastic pants . They don 't care , so just chill out . OK ? " " Thanks , " Kenny said uncertainly . This was a surprise he hadn 't counted on . He hoped he wouldn 't need a change while they were out in public . For one thing , he couldn 't imagine where it would be done . " Aww , mom , you always spoil our jokes . We were just having some fun . Kenny thought that we weren 't going to give him his pants until after dinner . " " Honestly , you two , " she said in an exasperated voice . " You 've scared the poor boy half to death . Your practical jokes are going to get you into serious trouble some day . " Despite all the casualness that Artie had tried to project earlier in the day about wearing diapers it was clear that he was very upset . Kenny didn 't know what to do or say . He wished that Mr . & Mrs . Halsted would show up right away . He couldn 't hold out very much longer , either . He looked down at Artie 's chair and saw how bad his predicament was . He was sitting in a puddle of pee and some of it was even dripping onto the terrazzo floor . Artie was obviously mortified . The minutes passed ; the odor of pee was getting stronger . People were beginning to notice . Then , without warning , Kenny lost control , too . Despite his efforts to stem the flow , he kept peeing and peeing . In seconds his diaper became saturated and Kenny experienced the horrible feeling of wetting his pants and chair . He looked down at his lap . He didn 't seem to be quite as wet at Artie but he was just as mortified . He fought back the tears pooling in his eyes . " Sorry . I wasn 't calling you a liar or anything . I meant that you 're a guest and my mom won 't go ballistic if you 're wet , too . Thanks , you just saved me a big lecture , I hope . " The Halsted spotted the guys from across the lobby . Even before reaching them Mrs . Halsted saw the puddle under Artie 's chair . A hard look crossed her face . She spoke a few words to Mr . Hadley who disappeared in the other direction . " Kenny had an accident , too , " he said as softly as possible . " We were OK after our movie finished . Your movie was too long - we couldn 't hold it any more . " " Now don 't you worry about a thing . No harm 's been done , I 'm sure , " she said brightly . " Here are the keys to my office . Change the boys there and I 'll take care of everything here . " The boys were hustled across the lobby , their light colored pants emphasizing their wet condition for anyone who cared to look . The boys breathed an audible sigh of relief as they entered a back hallway out of sight of the lobby . Mr . Halsted opened the office . Artie headed directly for the bathroom . " Alright , put your pants into this bag , " Mrs . Halsted said . " Let 's get you out of these soaked diapers . We 'll have to do this standing up . " She began with Artie , carefully removing the diaper pins and then lowering his diaper and plastic pants al at once . She repeated the process with Kenny . By that time , Mr . Halsted had brought her one of the ' mitten ' wash cloths to clean the boys ' diaper areas and legs . ( Luckily , they weren 't wet below the knees . ) Kenny was sent out first . Mr . Halsted directed him to lie face down on one of the diapers and doublers that he had prepared . He sprinkled powder on Kenny 's bottom and then asked him to roll over so that he could sprinkle some on his front . He was pinning him into the diaper when Artie came out of the bathroom . " OK , done . " Mr . Halsted announced as he put away the last of the supplies into the diaper bag . " Give me a couple of minutes to return Sylvia 's keys and to bring the car around . I 'll pick you up out front . " " Now don 't you boys think about it twice . You 're not the first ones to have an accident in my theater . And , at least , you came prepared with a change of diapers . " " I 'm sorry , honey , " Mrs . Halsted explained as gently as possible , " your pants are soaked . If you wore them you 'd ruin Mr . Halsted 's car seats . You don 't want that , do you ? Everyone stared at everyone else , not wanting to have to break the news to him . ( He wasn 't stupid . He had already figured it out but he didn 't want to admit it , not even to himself . ) " I can 't walk out there in my diaper and plastic pants , " he said in near panic . " Can 't you go buy some pants and then come back ? I have some money . I 'll pay . " " We can do this , " Artie said . " I told you it happened to me before , here and a few times in restaurants . It didn 't kill me . Besides , most people are really kind . And if somebody isn 't , who cares ? They 're the ones with the problem if they think it 's cool to make fun of us kids who wear diapers . " There were relatively few patrons in the lobby . Some of the theaters were already closed for the evening and those that were still open had a minimum of fifteen minutes left before their films ended . Still , Kenny felt that there were too many people focusing their attention on his diapers and plastic pants . But , no one made a comment or showed any signs of snickering . There was a group of kids waiting on the sidewalk . He didn 't dare look at them as he headed straight for the waiting car . " No , ma ' am , " Kenny said sheepishly . " I 'm sorry about the movie theater . We didn 't do it on purpose . " he added . Kenny hopped down from the changing table . He was amazed at how big and thick his diaper was . He had to walk slightly bow - legged . The high rising diaper and plastic pants felt snug and secure . Mrs . Halsted smiled at him in a motherly way . She did do that - all the while scolding Artie for having had so much soda . Eventually , she got him to admit that he and Kenny had each had a 64 ounce jumbo drink during the movie . Artie didn 't care . Getting to wear Kenny 's extra - thick diaper was hardly a punishment . " I guess you could , " Artie agreed reluctantly , " but if your friends don 't see you wearing them at school and then they catch you wearing them somewhere else they 're going to wonder what 's going on . That could backfire worse . I think it 's better to be one way or the other - you wear diapers or you don 't . I think mixing the two would be too complicated . Besides , why torture yourself that way ? Would you really want to have to decide between going somewhere fun with your friends or staying at home alone in your diapers ? " Kenny was standing in the school gymnasium . He was wearing shoes and socks , a nighttime diaper , and plastic pants - nothing else . Suddenly the lights came on and the whole school was sitting in the bleachers . His teammates were chasing him around the floor trying to get him to put on his uniform but he didn 't want to . He ran out of the gym and toward his house . Artie was with him telling him to stand up for his rights . He passed Rashid standing on the sidewalk telling him to be careful not to let his plastic pants leak . He was about halfway home when he tripped . His teammates pinned him down and started making him into his shorts . " Noooo … , " he screamed . They went downstairs to get breakfast . Artie 's dad was in the kitchen . They discovered that the weather had turned cold and that it was going to rain all day . Kenny and Artie spent the rest of the morning playing pinball games and talking . After lunch they had one more diaper change and were given their freshly laundered pants . Kenny had never bowled before so Mr . Halsted taught him the basics . Kenny rarely received so much attention from an adult male . It felt real good but it also made him realize how much he was missing not having a dad . " No . You see , lots of people know about my diapers . My mom and dad try to set up private places for me to get changed , especially in places we go to often . I like getting changed in an office or someplace like that better than in a public bathroom . " " You 're welcome . I just took your diapers out of the dryer and folded them . Please bring them up to your room on your way up . " " Except for one nighttime diaper that I wore on Thursday , yeah - you wore half of these . Let 's see how many , " Artie said counting . " Seven for you and eight for me . Plus , we each have a wet one in my diaper bag and the ones we 're wearing now . That seems about right for 30 hours . " They brought the diapers upstairs and Kenny gasped when they walked into the bathroom . A drying rack filled with plastic pants sat in the tub . An additional six that fit on the dryer were draped over the edge of the tub . Kenny couldn 't stop staring and giggling . They were finished in no time . They went into the den to watch TV . It occurred to Kenny that they had been so busy doing other stuff that this was the first time he sat down in front of it in two days . They did a fair amount of channel surfing until the doorbell rang . He ran out to the front door to accept the delivery . Kenny followed . Only when Artie was opening the door did Kenny realize that he was about to answer the door in his diaper . He stopped short , intending to turn around and go back into the den . However , his socks skidded on the hardwood floor and fell down on his behind in a sitting position . " Hi , Artie , how are you tonight ? " the delivery boy asked . Then , seeing Kenny fall , he said . " Ouch ! You didn 't hurt yourself did you ? " " Did not , " Kenny objected , ( although he wasn 't the least bit sorry that the delivery boy had seen him ) . " But there is one thing I want to know . Is there anybody in this town would hasn 't already seen you in your diapers ? " After dinner they sat around the table for a long time . Kenny found himself joining the conversation , telling stories about his friends and his school . It was magical . If his mother had been there she would not have believed that this outgoing , self - assured boy was her son . " Sure , " his mother answered , " but first , into your nighttime diapers . It 's cold tonight ; I want you both to wear pajamas . Dad will help you get ready while I finish cleaning up in the kitchen . " Once again Artie was treated to Kenny 's extra thick nighttime diapers . He really hoped that his parents would buy him some the next time they ordered . Little did he realize that they already had . They , too , loved the way these diapers rose high above his waist and how they made him waddle slightly as he walked . They knew that they were already losing the little boy that he had been , so they were open to anything that would prolong the illusion for a while longer . As they were walking downstairs each boy was lost in his own thoughts . Artie liked how the extra - thick diapers rounded out their backsides and Kenny was impressed by the swooshing sounds their plastic pants made against the fabric of the pajamas . They were quite satisfied and highly aroused by the sensations . Kenny and Artie settled at each end of the couch to watch the movie . Within a half hour , though , Artie was asleep . Kenny wasn 't sure what to do especially since he wasn 't finding the movie very interesting . Mr . Halsted came in before he had time to make up his mind . " I thought this might happen . Artie likes to give the impression that his disability doesn 't have any effect on his life . But , the truth is that he needs more sleep than most boys his age . With all the things you 've been doing together these last two days I 'm not at all surprised that he 's exhausted . " " Don 't apologize , it 's not your fault . I 'm very glad that you and Artie have become friends . If he 's been overdoing it , it 's because he wants to impress you . " " Are you interested ? The storm has blown over and the sky is crystal clear . The moon won 't rise for a little while so there 'll be good star - gazing conditions tonight . " His shoes fit a little snug because the ' feet ' of his pajamas were a little thicker than regular socks . They put their jackets on and went outside . Kenny had trouble finding the stars and constellations that Mr . Halsted was pointing out . " Stand right in front of me , Kenny . " He took hold of Kenny 's hand and positioned it . " Follow your finger as I move it . That 's the Big Dipper . " They had to walk a fair distance ( five houses ) before they came to an area where they could see the rising moon . Mr . Halsted stood and stared for a few moments . He pointed out some of the major features of the moon 's surface . He could even point out where the Apollo astronauts had landed . " When Artie and I go camping up in the mountains I borrow my father - in - law 's telescope . The stars seem so close and bright . Would you like to come with us some day ? I 'm sure Artie would be pleased to invite you . " Kenny is sitting at his desk , completely naked . Everyone is taunting him . He begs for something to wear . His teacher flatly refuses saying that since he can 't make up his mind about what to wear , he will wear nothing . For some reason , Artie is also there . He tells Kenny that he has to leave school right away . They have to be at the movie theater . Everyone is waiting for them to put on the three o ' clock show . If they don 't hurry , Kenny won 't have enough time to get into his diapers and plastic pants . They hurry to the theater ( with Kenny still naked ) . Dana is waiting in the lobby next to a changing table . The manager comes out and says that it 's three o ' clock . Dana shakes her head sadly and says , " See what happens when you can 't make up your mind . " The boys got up early on Sunday morning . The rest of the household was still asleep . Artie decided that it would be best if they cleaned themselves up right away and washed and dried the dirty diapers before Kenny left for home . " You 'll do it , of course , " Artie answered . " You need to learn to do it anyway . It will be good practice for when you have to put on your own diapers . Let 's eat first . " Everything was taken care of by 9 : 00 . They had breakfasted , showered , diapered each other , put a load of diapers in the washing machine , and even hand washed their plastic pants . Kenny had already figured out that he had a ' thing ' about the plastic pants . From the first time that Artie had diapered him he knew that they were his favorite part . He didn 't feel like he was truly diapered until they were snugly pulled up around his waist . As they were hanging them up on the drying rack , Kenny would have liked to stand there and watch the light and shadows playing off them as they dried . " This is too weird , " Kenny had thought to himself . They stayed in Artie 's room playing computer games until everyone else got up . Kenny took the opportunity to tell Artie about what he and Artie 's dad had done the night before . Kenny was a little afraid that Artie might be mad at him for monopolizing his dad while he wasn 't there . On the contrary , Artie was happy that Kenny and his dad had had time together . He was especially excited at his dad 's promise to take Kenny camping with them soon . The others were all up and about by 9 : 45 . At 10 : 15 the phone rang . It was Kenny 's mom checking on how the weekend had gone . Mr . Halsted was agreeable . Artie and Kenny were thrilled because they could prolong their weekend together . It was agreed that Mrs . Braken would come over at noon . In fact , Mrs . Braken was very much looking forward to seeing Kenny in his diaper and plastic pants . She was also bursting with curiosity about Artie and his family . She was amazed at how comfortable Kenny was walking around someone else 's house in just a diaper and plastic pants . " I guess it just goes to show how important diapers are to Kenny right now . " she thought to herself . She also noticed how at ease he appeared to be with these people . " My gosh , not only is he openly wearing diapers around them , he 's also allowing them to change him ! " Adult Diaper Stories thanks you for your visit . We hope you found a Diaper Story you like . Try using our Google Search Box which will scan 1000 's of Diaper Stories and Abdl Stories in seconds for you . All you need to do is type something in the search box that interests you . Maybe you like the popular Diaper Punishment Stories or Adult Diapers Stories . Do a search for Diaper Girl Stories and you will get too many results . |
This story doesn 't start out in North Fork . Instead , it starts hundreds of miles away in St . Louis , Missouri where a nice , young man lived . He was in his room reading book when a knock sounded on his door . When he turned to see who had disturbed him that evening , he suddenly stood to his feet in shock . " Father ! " he declared , very much surprised . He hadn 't written that he was coming , but then why would he ? He would have gotten there before the letter had arrived anyhow . He looked around his son 's room . " So this is where you spent your last five years . " He was obviously not impressed . " Going to school in the daytime , keeping store at night . " Ben tried to tell him that he was graduating , but his father didn 't let him finish . " Your brother Lon going West to seek his fortune . He 's never written me once , not in all these years . " Ben wanted to know why he was in St . Louis . " I 'll tell you . Five years ago you and your brother left home like thieves in the night . I had careers planned for you - careers in the army of the United States , but no you didn 't want that . So , I decided to see what you made for yourselves . " But his father quickly interrupted him . " No you can 't . Lon 's dead , " he said very casually . Ben was shocked and saddened by the news . But his father continued with his story , ignoring his shock . He stated he inquired with every law officer in the Western Territory and finally got a reply . He took out a piece of paper and unfolded it . " It says Lon 's dead , shot down in a gunfight . Buried there in a place called North Fork . Signed with regrets by the Marshal and that 's all . But that 's not enough ! My son dead and I don 't know why or who did it . I demand answers to these questions . I want satisfaction . That 's why I am here , Ben . You and I are going to this North Fork . " Ben had walked over and picked up the paper while his father made his speech . He read it , saddened by the news of his brother . But as he listened to his father , he suddenly knew what he wanted - to punish . And his father requested his presence in North Fork . " I can 't leave , " he said cautiously , knowing what his father 's response would be . But Ben had to stand up for himself . " Father , I 'm not going . " It was very difficult for him to do , but he had no choice . His father struck him on the back with his whip , stating he should have expected it since they had disobeyed him all their lives . He would go alone . " Father , " Ben tried to stop him . He turned and stared at his son - it was a cold , hard stare . " Don 't ever call me that again ! I have no sons . No sons left at all . " Then he turned and walked out the door . He didn 't look back . He arrived in North Fork one day while I was working on mending the barn . I heard a horse approaching and turned to watch the stranger ride up . He announced that the road markers were down and wanted to know if he was on his way to North Fork . " A few more miles you would have been there , " I answered quickly . I had been expecting Mark . I was a little worried and upset with him since he wasn 't home yet . " Say on the way in you didn 't see a boy , a twelve year old on a chestnut mare , did ya ' ? " He hadn 't seen anyone . He asked if he was missing . " No , late from school , " I answered . I couldn 't help notice his Calvary uniform . He introduced himself as Capt . Josiah Perry , third Illinois . I asked him if he was planning on visiting North Fork ; or was he just passing through . " You might say I 'm going to visit kin , " he answered . Mark looked at me as he rode up . I motioned for him to tie his horse to the fence . He just threw the reins over the fence then hurried over to me , fearful he was in trouble . He quickly greeted our visitor . I put my hands on my hips and glared at him . " I 'm sorry Pa , but when the fish started biting , well . . . . . I forgot all about the time . But they 'll be good for supper though . " I was in no mood to hear his lame excuses though . " Mark , you were suppose to be home hours ago ! And on the way home you were suppose to bring my axe blade from the blacksmiths , where is it ? " I continued glaring at him , very upset . There was a lot of annoyance in my voice . I took a deep breath and was about to give him a piece of my mind , but suddenly , our visitor decided to put in his two cents . " A visit to the wood shed would sharpen his memory . Man or boy , strict discipline is the only way to teach them . " " I 've reared two of ' em . Two boys . They disobeyed my wishes and went their own ways . If I had beaten some sense into them when they were young , I might have gotten better then I 've received . They 've left me with bitterness and heartache . You listen to me McCain , discipline that boy or the same thing will happen to you . Good day ! " Then he gave his horse a hard slap and raced off for town . Mark and I had looked at each other , knowing that his sons must have had it rough - which was probably part of their problem ! As he rode away , Mark stared after , wondering who he was . I told him he was just a stranger looking for directions . I sat down as I prepared to discipline my own boy . " He sure was mean , " Mark stated . " He must have been hurt pretty bad . " Then I grabbed Mark by the arm and turned him around to face me . " Mark , what am I gonna do with you ? " My voice suddenly became hard and he knew he was in deep trouble . Mark suddenly lowered his head , not wanting to look at the disappointment and anger on my face . " Well … whatever you say , Pa . I know it was wrong . " " Yeah , knowing is one thing ; and doing it again is another , " I told him sternly so he 'd understand why I was punishing him so strictly . Then I delivered my punishment . " Now , for the next week you 'll come home right after school and you 'll have some extra chores , " I stated sternly as I looked at him straight in the eye . " Right now , get back on that horse , go back into town and get my axe blade from the blacksmiths and don 't dawdle , come right back . " I continued looking at Mark sternly . I wanted to make sure he knew just how upset with him I was . He nodded his head , but I could tell he didn 't mush like the punishment . " Yes sir . " Then he handed me his string of fish . " Here we 'll have these for supper . Alright ? " Before I could say a word , he jumped on his horse and raced back into town . Now , I 'm not quite sure how this happened , but somehow I was the one who ended up cleaning his fish . He sure was a sneaky one ! I smiled as I looked at his fish knowing I had been beat again ! That boy ! When Mark got to the blacksmiths , my axe blade wasn 't done . He wasn 't too happy to hear . He knew he was already in enough trouble with me at home , and if he didn 't get back soon he 'd be in even more trouble . But he also knew he would be in trouble if he showed up without the axe blade . He paced the floor impatiently . Nels finally told him to relax and he 'd be done in just a few minutes . " Yeah , but you don 't understand . Pa wanted me to get right back . " " So , I 'll just explain to him that I didn 't find time to finish the work like I promised . Lucas will understand . " He threw Mark a coin and told him to go get himself some candy and by the time he got back , he 'd have the blade ready . That made Mark happy . He thanked Nils and ran off to the store . . Meanwhile , Captain Perry was over at Micah 's trying to get his much desired information , but Micah kept insisting that he had told him everything he knew in the letter . He couldn 't believe that Micah didn 't know who had killed his son . " My son 's life meant that little . " He couldn 't accept that . " All I can say Captain is , the case is close . " He didn 't see any good in digging up all the details . " All I 've got left of my son is details ! I want to know how he died and why , " the Captain explained " You may not like what you hear , " Micah warned him . He told Micah he came a long way to hear whatever it was . " Alright , " said Micah . " Your son was involved in a criminal attempt to extort money . When he found out his plan wasn 't going to work , he forced a gun fight , hoping to kill the man who stood in his way . " The Captain was more concerned with how his son died . He wanted to know if he was a coward . Micah told him it was a fair fight . He also told him the other man happened to be a bit faster . The Captain wanted to know who ' the other man ' was . Micah told the Captain to let it rest there . He still wanted the name but Micah wouldn 't budge . " I said it was a fair fight , naming names won 't help anything . " " I just wanta see this man and talk to him . " But Micah knew better . I warned the Captain against causing trouble . The captain suddenly stood up and turned around to face Micah . " His name ! " the Captain demanded sharply while hitting his quirt on Micah 's desk . Micah stood firm . " Goodbye Captain Perry . " Reluctantly the Captain left the Marshal 's office , but he wasn 't satisfied yet . He headed over to talk to Nils . Nils didn 't remember anyone by the name of Lon Perry or any killing either . He asked why it was so important to him . The Captain told him he was the boy 's father . He told the Captain to go talk to the Marshal - e might be able to help him . That just brought the Captain back to square one . The Captain walked away , disgusted . Just as he was leaving he saw Mark heading for the blacksmith 's . Mark was chomping on a big bag of candy . " Well son , I didn 't expect to see you up and around so soon , " said the Captain . Mark ignored the statement , pretending he didn 't know what he was talking about . " Well I was just gonna pick up some things for my Pa and get right back . He 's probably missing me already . " He started to leave , but the Captain stopped him " You . . . ah . . . don 't happen to know the way to Willow Springs do you ? " Mark bent down and gave him the directions . " First of all , you know the road your coming into town on ? Instead of going straight ahead you turn right . Keep on following it , " said Mark . The Captain listened , but suddenly interrupted him as he got down to the real question . " I see . You know , you 're a smart young fella . I wonder if you can help me . You know , last July , a man was killed in this town . In a gunfight . The name of Lon Perry . " At the mention of his name , Mark remembered . He started to get up , suddenly feeling uncomfortable with talking to this man . He knew I would appreciate him telling what he knew . But the Captain stopped him and again asked him the same question . " Well , I don 't know . " Mark hesitated . " Ah sure you do , " said the Captain . " Smart young fellow like you 'd remember a gunfight . " The man 's smooth talking paid off . He was saying things a boy liked to hear . " What do you want to know about it ? " " Well . . . . . I 'd just like to know who killed him . You see I 've been wanting to thank whoever did it . " That got Mark 's attention . " You wanna thank him ? " " That 's right . See I 've been looking for Perry myself . Oh he was a mean one he was . Now it looks like someone in your town done me a favor . " " Looks like you 've come to the right person , " Mark declared . Perry laughed with anticipation of hearing the killer 's name . " See it was my Pa who shot him . " " McCain ? " Perry suddenly asked . " Yep . This Perry , he challenged him and Pa tried to avoid a fight but , he had no choice . " The Captain stood up . " You 've been real helpful , son . Real helpful . " I had gotten tired of waiting for that boy and decided to ride into town after him . I headed straight towards the blacksmith 's . " Mark ! " I started to yell . But Mark jumped in before I could say anymore . " It wasn 't ready Pa . You can ask Nils . " " He 's right Lucas , but it 's ready now , " Nils confirmed Mark 's excuse . I allowed that to slide , but told Mark to get the blade because we had to get home . As we headed out of the barn Captain Perry approached me . Being friendly , I said hello to him . But he was angry and tried to hit me with his quirt . I grabbed his arm , a bit surprised at his reaction to my greeting . " It was you that killed my son McCain . " Protectively , I pushed Mark back into the barn as I faced this man . " I don 't know what you 're talking about Captain . " He drew his gun on me and I told him that he better explain . " Lon - " I started . Then I stopped , suddenly remembering who he was talking about . Lon Perry was involved in a scheme with another detective to kill me so a desperate father could claim Mark as his own son . ( A Case of Identity ) " He forced it . There was nothing else I could do . " Mark suddenly got a look of shock on his face as he realized he had been tricked . He knew all about his criminal scheme , but that 's now what was bothering him . He continued to hold the gun on me . " But you were the one who killed him ! " the Captain sneered at me . " My boy did wrong , McCain , I know that , and he 's dead for it . If he was alive I 'd punish him . He disobeyed me . Yes , Benjamin and Lon , both of them ! I had plans for him , but no , he had to come out here and get himself killed ! But that 's not gonna be the end of it - it can 't be ! " I didn 't understand what this had to do with me . " Did you think you could kill my son and not be punished for it , the same as I would have punished him if he was alive ? " The Captain yelled angrily . I warned him to think a minute - he didn 't really want to punish me , but he insisted that he did . " Don 't do it , Captain , " I warned . He cocked his gun . I quickly kicked the gun out of his hand . I grabbed him and started to punch him , but I couldn 't . So I gave him a hard shove , pushing him to the ground . I called to Mark to come on , and e headed for our horses . Luckily Micah came when he did . He got there in time to stop the Captain . He was going for his gun . " I 'm locking him up until he cools off , " Micah as he grabbed Perry 's gun . " You better try and talk some sense into him Micah , " I warned angrily before rode off . While Mark and I were eating supper that night , I noticed that Mark didn 't seem to be very hungry . For a growing boy like Mark to not be hungry meant something was wrong . I was concerned and asked him if something was bothering him . " Pa ? Uh … before you came into town today , well … the Captain stopped me and started asking me a lot of questions about who killed Lon Perry . " " Well , he tricked me ! " Mark declared . I continued staring at him . " He said he wanted to thank the person who did it because … well , because he 'd been looking for him himself . " " Proud ? " I asked angrily . Mark suddenly turned his head away , knowing he had again done wrong . " I 've taught you always , there 's nothing to be proud in the killing of a man , no matter who he is or what he 's done . " He apologized , but the damage had already been done . Mark couldn 't understand why the Captain wanted to punish me when he hated his son so much . " Well Mark , sometimes a man trained like the Captain has been … well , he gets to living by the book . You see , in the army there 's a book of rules to study and follow to the letter . A lot of that book has to do with discipline - keeping his men in line and forcing obedience . Well , with Captain Perry , it seems he 's got discipline all mixed up with retribution . In his mind , somebody 's gotta pay for what … well , what he thinks his son did to him . Now his son is dead and … he 's turned to me . " Mark listened , but wasn 't sure if he understood that or not ; I wasn 't sure I had it right either . " Now , you better finish your supper or start clearing the dishes , huh ? " I warned . Micah brought Captain Perry 's supper to him . He started to leave when the Captain asked Micah to stay and keep him company . Micah was happy to oblige . Micah wasn 't sure how long he was going to keep him there . The Captain was due back at his post in four days and it was a four day ride . " I can 't help that , Captain , " Micah simply stated . The Captain figured Micah thought he went " out of his head " today . Micah simply nodded . " Well , that could be true , " the Captain answered sadly . " Seeing my son 's grave this morning did something to me . " He asked Micah if he had any children , Micah answered no with regret . " Well , I would have to say you 're lucky . Those of us who have children have to be lucky to turn out well . " Micah didn 't agree with him . " Oh , I don 't know . I 've seen plenty of them grow up . Not too many of them go wrong ! " " Well , you could be right . Maybe it 's just my own hurt talking . You see , I dreamed that they 'd carry on the Perry name in the service , but they wouldn 't give me that . No , and then I find Ben 's no more my son then an army mule and I hear Lon 's dead - just an outlaw . Well , nothing else left except feeling hate and striking out at things . " His face held much regret and hopelessness . Micah sort of understand his wanting to go after the killer no matter who 's fault it was . But then Perry told Micah what he wanted to hear . " Well , a man might feel that way at first . But then his reason ought to take over . I can 't say I blame McCain . Very likely he couldn 't help it . " Micah commented that it seemed his attitude had changed . The Captain looked Micah straight in the eye and told him he was done with me and this town , and all he wanted to do now is get back to his post . Micah started to leave as the Captain watched on hopefully . His plan had worked . Micah turned around and came back over to his cell . " Captain , will you give me your word you 'll cause no more trouble ? " Micah asked . While the Captain was getting ready to leave , his son Ben arrived in town . He headed for the Hotel to find his father . While in there Captain Perry got on his horse and rode out of town . Only then did Ben show up when he heard his father had been arrested for threatening me . Micah told him he had been there , but he had let him go , and Micah assumed he was going back to his post . Ben told Micah he heard about the trouble with me and he wanted to apologize for his father 's actions . He then left and headed out to our ranch . I had gotten Mark settled down in bed for the night and was just relaxing with a book when I heard a horse quickly approaching . I had had enough trouble today and was on edge between having to punish my son and then what happened in town . So I jumped up and hurried to the window . When I looked up and saw a stranger quickly approaching , I grabbed my rifle , opened the door and rushed out onto the porch , hold my rifle on him . He introduced himself to me as he looked down at my rifle . He told me he was looking for his father . Angrily , he answered , " Well , he 's not here ! Now , what 's this all about ? " Like I said , I was on edge already and was expecting anything ! He looked down at the rifle . " I didn 't come here to make trouble , Mr . McCain , but I would like to talk to you . " I suddenly realized he wasn 't looking for trouble , so I invited him inside . He said he had heard what happened in town today . I invited him to sit down . " I don 't think Micah would 've released him if there was any harms still festering in him , " I stated calmly . He doubted that I was right - he knew his father . I thanked him for warning him . " It wasn 't just for you , Mr . McCain . I 'd like to prevent anything from happening to my father . " I commented that he wasn 't an easy man as I sighed , remembering what had happened earlier . " I know , and I feel somewhat responsible for it . I should 've stopped him from coming to North Fork . " But he had finally decided to come out here because he felt he was responsible for everything . I figured it was his brother , Lon , who was responsible for the Captain 's actions today . " That was only part of it . You see , Mr . McCain , since I was very young , I had one ambition . One I was afraid to tell my father about . I wanted to be a minister , so I entered divinity school . " He had never told his father . " A few days ago when my father came to St . Louis to take me with him , I wanted to tell him , but I knew how he 'd take it . So I just said I couldn 't go . I couldn 't tell him the real reason was because the next morning I was being ordained . " He showed me the minister 's color . He had taken it off before entering North Fork , afraid of letting him see it . " I didn 't want to hurt my father any more then I already had . " He stood up . " Help him if I can . " He walked across the room . " The day I put that collar on I thought about the duties and responsibilities that went with it . I 'm suppose to lead my flock , help heal their souls , ease their afflictions . I realized then that if I was ever to help anyone , I 'd have to start with my father first . " I stood up and walked over to him . " Reverend Perry , are you gonna do it with the collar on or off ? " I held the collar out to him . " On , Mr . McCain . " He took his collar from my hand and placed it around his neck . Suddenly , the Captain was outside yelling for me again . " McCain , " he yelled . " McCain . " I ran to the door and looked out the window . It was him alright . I grabbed my rifle and started to open the door , but Reverend Perry hurried over to me . " Mr . McCain , please … without the rifle ! There will only be bloodshed . " I nodded and sat my rifle down on the table . Just then , Mark came out of the bedroom . The yelling had awaken him . " Pa , what 's a matter ? " " You stay here son , " I ordered sternly . " You stay right here . " Then Ben opened the door and we went onto the porch . But when Ben came out , the Captain grew more agitated , stating he had only come to see me . " Father , I 've come to take you home with me , " Ben stated gently . Ben walked up to the horse while his father denied him . " Father , look at me ! " he begged . The Captain did look at him . Ben touched his collar . " This is why I couldn 't go with you . This is what I wanted . Please try to understand . " But the Captain suddenly became very agitated . He shoved at Ben . " Out of my way ! " he shouted . Ben fell to the ground and the Captain rode his horse up to the porch where I stood , staring in disbelief . How could a father be so cruel to his own child ? " You ready McCain ? " he shouted at me . " No son . " Captain Perry took his gun from his holster . " Don 't force me to shoot an unarmed man , McCain . " He then aimed his gun at me . Mark couldn 't stand it anymore . " Pa , he means it ! " He yelled as he threw my rifle to me . I shot several times on the ground by the horses hoofs causing the horse to throw the captain . Mark ran to me and threw his arms around me . Ben was by his fathers side . As he sat on the ground , the Captain stared at me in confusion . " Your boy . . . disobeyed you , " he stated . " Yes he did Captain , " I answered as I securely held my boy in my arms . " But out of love . " I looked down at Mark and he lifted his head and stared into my eyes , knowing he had done right . " The boy did it out of love father , can 't you understand that ? " Ben 's voice held hope as he spoke . Father and son looked at each other . Then the Captain turned and looked at me . He saw us - Mark and me - father and son with our arms around each other . Mark was smiling proudly at me , relieved our latest ordeal had come to an end . It was obvious we were in love . " Benjamin , lets go home , " he said . It was over and the Captain had learned a lesson . We said goodnight to the Captain . Mark walked into the house ahead of me without saying a word . I put my rifle back in it 's holder and grabbed my book . " You better get back to bed , son , " I said as I sat down in my chair to read . But Mark wasn 't quite ready to go to bed . He had something to say . " You know Pa , I just realized something . " He sat down on the arm of the chair as he looked at me . " What 's that ? " " This is one time a son taught his Pa a lesson . " " Oh you mean the Reverend and Captain Perry . " I laid a hand on Mark 's back . " Well , that can happen sometimes Mark . " Mark suddenly turned and looked straight into my eyes . " Oh . . . oh of course , I know between us who does all the teachin ' . " Mark was teasing me and I knew it . I suddenly got a really serious look on my face . " You know something son ? " Mark moved in closer , thinking I was about to give him a new revelation . I touched his hair . " I think we oughta get you a haircut tomorrow morning . " " Ahhhhh . . . . . Pa . " " But right now , uh … goodnight . " I smiled at him . Richard " Dick " Alexander played Nels the Blacksmith in four episodes ― Smoke Screen - The Martinet - The Deserter and Meeting at Midnight . How many actors played Nils or was it Niles or Nels ? Was it Swenson or was it Svenson ? |
I made it through the long night of storms . National weather service confirmed that six tornadoes touched down in Mississippi last night . I 've read of five deaths , but none in Mississippi that I know of . I shared a video on my Facebook page that someone took here in town . Since it 's a FB video , not a YouTube video , I can 't share it here , but you can go look on my wall . I 've set the post to public , so you can see it even if you aren 't in my friends list . I got to work today , and that 's all we were talking about for a while . Lots of my coworkers said they had hail , and one coworker said she had all the windows in her house blown out . The front office area of the plant had some water damage , but I don 't know whether it was from broken windows or what . One of my coworkers said the roof collapsed , but I can 't confirm that . I went up to HR for something , and we got to talking about that big storm that hit the plant back in 1999 . The HR person wasn 't there back then , but I was . I was at home , but since I lived within shouting distance of the plant at that time , I was right there in the thick of it . The thing I remember was trying to open the door to get the dog ( that would be Katie , for those of you who remember my dogs ) inside , and the suction was so strong , I couldn 't get the door open . I said the dog would have to fend for herself . She was fine , by the way , and lived for 10 more years . I got to work the next morning , and the roof of the warehouse had been peeled back like a sardine can , and insulation was everywhere . The wind hit so hard that the entire building was knocked askew . Naturally , we didn 't work that day . They handed out the paychecks ( it was a Friday ) , and sent everyone back home . In the end , the plant was shut down for a week while they got a team of structural engineers to make sure the building wouldn 't collapse on us . I would have enjoyed that week a whole lot more if I 'd known they were going to pay us for it . Ah , good time , good times . Speaking of work , my supervisor told me today , no more overtime . It 's going to be strange being able to sleep until 5 : 30 after getting up so early for so long . Oh , it won 't last long , though . When we get back in January and begin ramping up production for peak season , they 'll bring back the overtime . outside is frightful , but it ain 't snowing . That 's hail , thunderstorms , and tornadoes out there . I got hail the size of ping pong balls and strong winds at my house . It got so bad , it bent my flagpole . My house looks nekkid without my flag on it , but I 'm glad that 's the worst damage I got . I 'm thankful for my carport , and I 'm so thankful I went ahead and got that tree cut down . I have a feeling these winds could have sent it tumbling . One of my friends - - who lives pretty close to me - - said she had a funnel cloud go over her house , and some on the local FB group said she saw one go over the lake . The worst of it has passed me now , but I still have friends facing this front . My poor cousin Kathy . . . she and her family were in Gatlinburg yesterday , and had to evacuate due to the wildfires . They drove back to Alabama today - - just in time to get caught in this mess . I know she 's seen all the weather she wants to for a while ! Still , thankful everyone I know is safe . Now , how about something a little more cheerful . I took a chance and put my tree skirt down Sunday afternoon . So far , so good - - meaning the cat hasn 't peed on it yet . Let 's hope that trend continues . . . Well , a little like Christmas . Yes , the tree is finally up . When I got to this point , I seriously considered just leaving it like this . I really missed Cody helping with the stuff up high . I had to get the ladder out to put the angel on top . We were texting , and he said it felt really strange being on his own at this time of year . I know what he means . This is the first year in a long , long time that I 've been completely on my own . I do hope he can get some time off and come home for a day or two at Christmas . Speaking of , I 've got to go into that furniture store and raise heck . Do you know I still haven 't gotten the mattress I ordered from them ? Yeah , the one I ordered back in October . I could have gotten one delivered by wagon train to Oregon by now . Calling them has not produced any results . They keep saying " any day now " . Back to decorating . . . I got two of my nativities put out . Still trying to figure out where to put the rest of my stuff . I 've got all these shelves now , and don 't know what to do with them . I kind of wish my cousins Shelbi and Brittani were here . They have the knack for decorating that I just don 't have . By the way , Navy scored 75 points against SMU . Just thought I 'd throw that out there . I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving . I did , even though it was just me . I 'd asked Cody if he was coming home , and he said , " I 'll try " which is Cody code for " I don 't really want to but don 't want to hurt your feelings by saying so . " So , I wasn 't really expecting him . I had me a modest little dinner , just turkey , sweet potatoes , stuffing out of a box with giblet gravy ( that I made ) , and jello salad . I keep saying that one year , I 'm going to get the hang of cooking a turkey . This was not that year . I probably should have taken the tent off sooner to let the skin brown a little more , but it tasted good anyway . I 'm glad they only gave me an 8 lb turkey this time around . As it is , I 'm going to have quite a bit to put into the freezer . I reckon I really ought to find me a feller to help me eat up all this food I 've got stashed away . The rest of the day was filled with the parade , the National Dog Show , football , and watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving . Oh , and knitting . I 've been working on this scarf , and I must say , I 'm very disappointed in the yarn . I 'm not even halfway through the skein and I 've already found three knots . Three ! Even worse , where the knots are interrupts the color changes . Instead of having the nice , gradual blend like you see in the picture on the band , I have jarring , sudden color changes . I got so frustrated that I wrapped it all up and stuffed it into a bag in the craft room . After contacting the Lion Brand company and letting them know how disappointed I was , I picked up my sock yarn blanket and started a new square . Much better . . . Today , I got up and just took it easy most of the day . My big accomplishment was to get all my Fall decorations down and packed away . I was amazed at how easily everything went back into the storage box . I usually have to wrestle , rearrange , and repack several times to get it all back in . I was pretty pleased when I got it all back in the first go . Once I 'd hauled the box out to the shed and started bringing in the Christmas stuff , I figured out why it all fit back in so easily . I 'd left an entire bag full of stuff on the love seat . Sigh . . . I 'd scooted the love seat over a little bit to make room for the tree . I quickly discovered that I hadn 't scooted it far enough . By that time , the dog was sleeping on it , and I didn 't want to disturb her . She 's old and cranky , you know . I had to get on to her for snapping at the cat , who is also old and cranky . Aaaand that 's when any semblance of productivity ground to a halt . I will try again tomorrow . It 's the day before Thanksgiving , and yes , I had to work . It seemed like it was the longest day at work ever , but eventually it did come to an end . Then I had to go to the store . I debated for a long time whether I really wanted to go or not . OK , I knew I didn 't really want to go to the store on the day before Thanksgiving , but if Cody does come home tomorrow , he 's going to want cranberry sauce and Dr Pepper . Alas , I had no cranberry sauce and Dr Pepper . I debated some more . If I did go to the store , he probably wouldn 't even come home . If I figured he wouldn 't come home and skipped going to the store , he 'd be here bright and early tomorrow morning . Expecting cranberry sauce and Dr Pepper . What to do ? What to do ? I have no whipped cream for the pumpkin pie . What is pumpkin pie without whipped cream ? I needed whipped cream . So , I girded my loins and went to the store . On the day before Thanksgiving . Got the Dr Pepper . Got the whipped cream . Picked up another gallon of milk and some egg nog while I was there . But I couldn 't find the cranberry sauce . I went all over the grocery section twice but still couldn 't find it . I considered leaving without it , but I 'd already been through so much . One more trip around the store , and finally I found it . Cranberry sauce . There on the top shelf . I knocked down three little old ladies and climbed up some guy 's back and snatched the only can they had left . OK , not really . I just got a can , but that isn 't as Indiana Jones - ish . Or as funny . I got the can of cranberry sauce , checked out , and headed home . Whereupon I discovered that I 'd gotten the wrong kind . I got whole berry sauce , not the jelly . Cody likes the jelly . Not the whole berry sauce . Too bad . I 'm not going back to the store . He 'll just have to eat what I got . I 've been having a hard time blogging lately . I can 't seem to think of anything to talk about , now that I don 't have any projects going on in the new house . I guess I 'm kind of going through a post - painting letdown . I still have to get the crown moulding up , but at this point , it 's going to wait until after Christmas . And I still have to get my mantle put back up , but I 'm finding that rather intimidating at this point . I may have to put out a cry for help . Maybe the cutie that likes to flirt with me at the hardware store could do it for me . . . . Sunday morning , I woke up to a frosty white world . That little fire in my wood heater sure felt good . I 'd originally planned on getting out that afternoon and working on cutting up that big pile of wood in my backyard , but I decided it was too cold . What I actually did was to finish knitting a hat . The yarn is some I had in my stash . I think it 's Red Heart in the colorway Gumdrop , but I 'm not entirely sure . I thought I had enough yarn to make a pom pom , but I didn 't . I tried , but it turned out a little too scraggly . I stuck it back in the craft closet for now , because I couldn 't bear to just throw it in the garbage . Sunday 's frost , followed by another hard freeze Sunday night , pretty much put the kibosh on my flower beds . Today after work , I got out and pulled all the dead things up . My poor beds look so empty and forlorn . But they 're better than being filled with dead plants . I might get some winter flowers to plant in them for now . Maybe pansies or something . I 'll have to research before buying anything . What I have discovered is that there are spider lily bulbs all over this yard . Even some still in my marigold bed . Once the ground softens up enough , I 'm going to transplant them into more convenient locations . One of those locations being the bed right behind my house . Maybe some along the side of my house . I don 't know yet , but anywhere is better than out in the middle of the yard . Now , for those of you who didn 't catch it earlier , we are working three days this week . There was a rumor going around that we would only be working a half day tomorrow , but the Big Boss negated that . " He can work all day , he doesn 't have to cook , " I said . That being said , I 'm going to end this post and get the first layer of my jello salad done before going to bed . I don 't know if Cody will be coming home , but whether he does or not , I 'm still having a Thanksgiving dinner . So there . I had a blog post all ready to post yesterday . I 'd mentally composed it while I was at work , and reworked it until I thought it was spot on . It was a great post , another Dear Coworker post , or maybe a Thor 's Day Mayhem post . I hadn 't decided which version to post , but either one would have been a doozy . After I got home , I received some news that just threw my whole day out of sorts . Back when I was growing up , our across the street neighbors had two kids - - a boy and a girl . The boy was older , and he was the same age as my sister . John and Susan , and my younger brother and sister were tight as kids . They were like the fantastic foursome of our street . Yesterday morning , John 's wife posted that they 'd had to rush him to the hospital , she didn 't say why , only that it was bad . After I got home from work , my sister informed me that he had died . He was only 46 . I 've known him pretty much all his life , and that just took the wind out of my sails . After that , it just seemed somehow wrong to be sarcastic about a coworker , so that post will be postponed for a few days . Now , let 's brighten up this post with some good news , that being that I finally got my curtains hung back up . Well , I got one set hung up . These are the ones that used to hang in Cody 's room . I haven 't hung the curtains on the small window yet , because I need to buy a curtain rod for it . I know the bed is not centered under the window . I may move it , I may not . Depends on how it looks once I put the bookshelf I plan on buying in the corner and see how much room is left . The only other thing I did was to go to the store and buy things for Thanksgiving dinner . I wasn 't sure how much to get , because I don 't know if Cody is coming home or not . I asked him and he said , " I 'll try . " Not sure what that means , but oh , well . I 'm going to cook for me , and if he does come home , I 'll just have fewer leftovers . While I was there , I finally broke down and bought me a slightly smaller stock pot . I 'd had a great big one for a while . I think it 's a 16 qt , but I 'm not sure . I bought that one back when the plant was giving us those 20 lb turkeydactyls every year . I needed one to boil the carcass down and make soup and it was big enough for that . Last week , when I was cooking gumbo , I said to myself for probably the gazillionth time , " Self , you need a smaller stock pot . " So , I bought one . This is an 8 quart pot . I think I will break it in tomorrow , when I boil down the sweet potatoes for the casserole I 'm going to make for Thanksgiving . I also went buy the hardware store to see if they had those hooks to hang my Christmas lights with . The outside lights , that is . I was going to get some cup hooks and just screw them into my eaves and leave them . I want the smaller kind , 1 / 2 " or so , and nobody seems to have anything smaller than 7 / 8 ' . I can 't even find them on Amazon smaller than 3 / 4 " . I may have to settle for those , if I want toIf you know where I can get some 3 / 4 ' cup hooks , I 'd appreciate a link . Oh , and the whole point of telling you that was that the same clerk who 'd chatted me up a couple of weeks ago was in there , and he remembered me . I never considered myself much of a memorable person , but maybe I am . Too bad he 's so much younger than I am , or I might just need to make a few more trips in to that there hardware store . I 'd put it on my front porch for the summer , only my front porch got way more sun than I thought it would . That 's also why all my impatiens died . Next summer , I 'm going to put it in the back yard , where it 's shadier . I 've got this little spot between my back doors and my little chimney that is just begging for a plant stand . I know that 's not a good picture , but it was raining , so I couldn 't get out into the yard . Well , I could have , but I didn 't want to take a good picture badly enough to get soaking wet . We 've got a cold front moving through , and tomorrow night will be our first freeze warning of the year . I stood in my back yard and took a picture of the tallow trees behind the fence , just in case . We didn 't get much fall color this year . I think because it 's been so very dry . We 're still under a burn ban over most of the state . Sounds like the rain has slacked off a bit , so I 'm going to let the dogs out to tend their business , then I 'm going to bed . Goodnight . When I moved into this house , I found several cans of paint in the shed , left by the previous owners . They 'd been sitting there for I don 't know how long . Last weekend , when I was taking my own leftover paint out there , I said to myself , " Self , you ought to do something with that there old paint . Then you could put your own paint up on that shelf . " I was originally going to just throw it away , but then I thought that someone might want it . I advertised it on the local Free - Bees group , and sure enough , someone very soon piped up and said she wanted it . Today after work , I took 6 cans of paint to our prearranged meeting place and gave them to her . Since I was in town already , I said to myself , " Self , you ought to run by that there hardware store and see if they have the hooks you want to hang your Christmas lights up with next weekend . " I headed on towards the hardware store , but as I was coming up on the local closeout store , I got the urge to turn in there . " Nah , " , I said . " I don 't want to go into Wall 's . I hate that store . " I started on past , but the urge returned , even stronger this time . " Well , I 'll just run in for a minute , " I said . Wouldn 't hurt to see if they had hooks . They didn 't have hooks , but they did have the little detail sander I 've been wanting , and for only $ 17 ! It was the only one they had , and I pounced on it like a cat pouncing on a mouse . Except not my cat . Because she 's lazy . " I am not , " said lazybones . I brought it home and plugged it in to make sure it works , and it does . Now , I just need to find something to sand . While I was in the closeout store , I picked up some Christmas kleenex and ' Merica Duct tape . Because Christmas , that 's why . Cody was shorter , as were my blog posts . Honestly , I never thought it would last this long , but I 'm sure glad it has . And I 'm thankful for every one of my readers . I hope you stick around for the rest of it . . . I know this may come as a shock to some of you , but yes , I messed up some parts at work . Let me rephrase that . . . someone else messed up some parts , but I didn 't catch it before I brazed the headers up , so that makes it my fault . I didn 't have to stay late . My group leader said , " How many parts does second shift leave that are wrong ? How many orders do they skip ? " I told her , " I 'm not going to be judged on what second shift does . I 'm going to be judged on whether I do , and I 'm going to make sure I do right . " She tried to tell me not to stay , but I went over her head to my supervisor and told him I wanted to stay and make sure the parts were re - done - - and correctly this time . That 's what I did . It was 4 : 00 when I left the plant , but it felt so much later . The time change , plus winter coming on , all makes for a very confused internal clock . Speaking of , I finally broke down and turned my heater on yesterday morning . It got down into the mid 30s for the last couple of nights , so I felt justified . Up until now , a little fire in my wood heater has been enough to take the chill off the house . Now that my bedroom is finished , I need to get back to that big pile of firewood in the back yard . You know how every house has that one surface where all the clutter collects ? Look , I cleaned mine off ! It makes the kitchen look so much brighter having all that junk off of the bar . Pay no attention to the junk in my cabinets . Why on earth anyone would take off the doors of their cabinets is beyond me . I asked the seller to put them back on , but they didn 't have them . They claimed there were no doors on any of the cabinets or closets when they moved in back in the ' 80s . That is definitely on the list of my things to rectify . My scarf is moving right along . I 've already found one knot in my skein of yarn . That is very disappointing . FYI , you can 't spit splice acrylic , no matter how woolly it feels . Just thought I 'd throw that out there . Posted by I reckon I really ought to blog . Since it 's been so long and all . But there really hasn 't been anything to blog about - - since I don 't usually discuss politics on the blog . I 'm just glad the election is over - - and that 's all I have to say about that . The good news is , I finally finished painting my bedroom . This weekend it was the trim around my windows and doors . Let me tell you something , I will never question how much professional painters cost again . They deserve every penny , because painting is hard work ! I 'm done for a while , and I 'm glad it 's over . Once I 'd touched up the few spots I needed to , I hauled all my painting supplies out to the shed , where they will remain for the near future . When I looked at my comforter and picked the colors I wanted to use , these looked more tan / brownish . On the wall , they look more gray . But , if I hold up a pillow sham up to the wall and the trim , the colors do match almost exactly . Weird , huh ? But it looks nice , and that 's all that matters . Look , the colors even coordinate with an afghan I crocheted 23 years ago , before I learned to knit . Decorating is another matter . I 'm just totally not good at that . I 've found a few things on Amazon that I like and may get . I think I might get this bookshelf to replace the two smaller shelves I have in there now . A couple of days ago , one of my knitting friends on Facebook posted a picture of some new yarn she 'd found . It looked really nice , so Thursday when I went into town , I looked for some . I know I 'm not supposed to be buying yarn , but yesterday was my birthday , so I splurged . I thought maybe I 'd knit charity hats out of it , but it 's single ply . I don 't trust single play to hold up under hard use , so I cast on a scarf for myself . I 'm using my old standard One Row Scarf pattern . It 's knitting up really nicely . While I was in the yarn department , I picked this one up , too . It is really soft and silky , but it 's 100 % acrylic . It doesn 't feel like it , but it is . Yes , my line at work opened back up today , so we were home again - - well , those of us who didn 't get laid off last week . That would be most of the temps . They are shutting down a different line to rebuild it and moved those workers over to our line . No more temps ! That 's not exactly true . We do have a few temps , but it 's not like the entire line was staffed with them , the way it 's been since it opened back up in January . I 'm telling you , things went a whole lot smoother with experienced workers who actually have a vested interest in doing a good job , as opposed to new people who think , " Why should I care ? I 'm just going to get laid off anyway . " I 've got a new sub - brazer over there with me , too . She 's been at the plant for several months , but is new to brazing . I think she 's worked out there before , because the first day she walked in , she greeted me by name . I have no idea who she is or how she knows me , but apparently she does . Over the weekend , I finished painting my bedroom - - the walls at least . I still have to paint the framing around the doors and windows and stuff , but that 's the easy part . You can kind of see my comforter peeking out from under the afghan and the dog 's blanket , so you can see how well it matches the paint . It really makes the room look brighter and more open . But now I 've got all these blank , bare walls that need to be decorated . That is something I 'm simply not good at at all . I still haven 't done anything with my bathroom , other than buy a new shower curtain . Dolphins in the bathroom . Lighthouses and sailboats in the bedroom . Yeah , the sea runs deep in my veins . I keep telling you my ancestors were Vikings . One of these days , you 'll believe me . One benefit of moving all my bedroom furniture to paint was that I found the other half of my favorite pair of earrings . It had been missing since I moved last year , and I was afraid I 'd vacuumed it up , or left it in the trailer house or something . I kept thinking I should toss the remaining earring , but I didn 't . Good thing , because when I moved my dresser , there it was . The missing earring . Home again , home again , jiggety jig . Yes , I wore them to work today . And I probably will again tomorrow , too . I went in to work Tuesday morning - - the plant being off Monday for maintenance and moving machines - - and when I got over to my line , all the work that had been there Thursday was gone . My first thought was that the maintenance men had moved it . No biggie . I 'd go find it after I 'd gone upstairs and run off our daily production schedules . I got upstairs and sorted through the stack of schedules to make my copies , only there wasn 't one for my line . What ? I went down to the tubing department and logged in to their computer . I called up the schedule for my line on the company intranet , and the page was blank . I went to line 4 and talked to their brazers . We discovered that all of my line 's work had been added to their schedule . At this point , I was confused , since Boss Man James had said that my line - - which is normally the temp line for the summer peak season - - wasn 't going to be shut down this fall . I grabbed a broom and started sweeping until someone got there who could explain to me what was going on . Soon , Boss Man James came and and said that my line would be shut down for the week , and he wanted me to go work on line 7 until my line opened back up . So , that 's where I 've been this week . Those of you who know me know that I don 't handle change well , so I 've been a bit discombobulated these last few days . That 's why there haven 't been any blog posts . Now that I 'm combobulated again , I 'm ready to catch you up . Yesterday I got in there and painted those last two walls of my bedroom . I was painting all those horrible grooves and thinking , " Boy , it 's going a lot faster this time around " . Then I heard the school bus rumble down the road . It was a lot later than I 'd thought it was , so it wasn 't going faster after all . Once I got the grooves painted , doing the walls only took a few minutes . However , I quickly realized that I would not have enough paint for a second coat . This morning , I ran in to the hardware store and bought another gallon , and got chatted up by the sales clerk . For those of you who do not watch tons and tons of British television , that means I got flirted with . Either that , or he was being really , really , really nice - - I never can tell . While I was there , I picked up this nifty little gadget . It 's for doing the corners . Pretty cool , huh ? And this one for edging around my door and window frames . If you 're going to do a job , might as well do it right . I wasn 't pleased with the way the walls looked after using a paintbrush in those areas . Tomorrow , I 'm going to put the second coat on , and we 'll see how well these things work . Once I 'm done with the bedroom , I 'm going to get back to working on cutting up and splitting that huge pile of wood in my back yard , so I picked up a splitting wedge for some of the bigger logs . The sales clerk asked me if I was going to do that myself , too ( having previously asked me if I was doing the painting myself - - no kids or husband for me to recruit ) . He said he felt like he should come do it for me . I told him if he did , I wouldn 't argue . Don 't be getting any ideas . He was nice , but barely older than my son . I 'm not in to that whole cougar thing . Other than going to the store , I didn 't get anything done today , because we had a company picnic out at the lake . They had lots of things for the kids to do - - face painting , bouncy houses , a balloon guy - - those sorts of things . My coworker Edna said they needed to have some hammocks out there for us old folks . One of the things they had was a pumpkin patch where the kids could go pick a pumpkin , and they had markers and stickers for them to decorate their pumpkins with . I asked the lady if it was just for kids , or if grown folks could get a pumpkin and decorate it , too . She said I could get one . This is what I did : Then I came home and watched Star Trek Beyond . Yeah , I 'm a geek . And proud of it . Live long and prosper . Posted by The reality was , I got up this morning and could barely move . Seriously . I was so sore . After shuffling around around the plant all day looking like Tim Conway 's little old man , I decided that there wall could wait until the weekend after all . Supervisor Ronny stopped me and suggested I put a coat of Kilz on the wall before I painted it . When a year or two have gone by and I forget what a headache this was and paint my living room , I 'll remember that . Ronny said he used to do that kind of work , and that 's how he did it . He also told me once that he used to be a lumberjack , and he was OK . He slept all night and he worked all day . . . I spent the rest of that day singing old Monty Python songs . Here , I 'll share it with you so you can have an earworm , too . You 're welcome . |
Nine friends are supposed to head to Hollywood , and they board a train . One of them has a premonition of the train derailing , killing everyone except two . After the premonition , nothing is the same . And the person who saw it all will never be the same again . Contents [ show ] The wheels of the large train stopped . It 's white paint was shining , as it was a very bright day . It was March twentieth , the first day of summer vacation for nine eighteen year old high school seniors . " James , you know you can just look at this . " she said , and James nodded at her . Nicole laughed for a short while then returned to talking with Jenny . " Well , it says that it won 't take long , because we live close to Hollywood . " said James . Westley Dane grunted as he patted James on the back . " Look , James . We live in Falls Town , Los Angeles . We can drive to Hollywood and be there in a day or a few more hours . Why the f * ck are we going by train ? " asked Westley , and Jenny spoke up . " You girls should get on the train . Unless , you know , you want to be left behind . I have no problem with you being here while the rest of us are at Hollywood . " Lewis pointed at Melissa as he wrapped his arms around Faith . " Baby , don 't be so rude to Melissa ! " Faith playfully pulled Lewis 's nose , and walked to the train . Lewis soon followed , and Danielle flipped her hair dramatically as she whispered to Melissa . " They so need to get a room . They 've ruined my eyes with their love stuff , but I think their love talk are destroying my ears . " she said , and Melissa giggled as she gossipped with Danielle on the way to the train . Stephen Power laughed at her as she gave him an angry look . " You really got to stop being such a drama queen . " he said , and Danielle stuck out her tongue as she took a seat next to Melissa . " She 's never gonna stop , so you shouldn 't even try . " Westley told Stephen as they sat next to each other . Lewis and Faith sat together in the seats behind the two boys as Jenny had to sit next to a stranger she didn 't know . " Hello . " the old stranger said , and Jenny smiled uncomfortably and waved at him . He nodded , and shook Jenny 's hand . She forced her hand out of the grip as soon as she could . " Welcome to the Dye Train , where we value customer service . If you would like anything during the train ride , please notify us by pressing the button above you . Our train pretty much works like an airplane . So , I hope you enjoy your ride . We 'll be leaving really soon . " a lady working for the train announced . She walked into the door leading the conductor 's room , and everyone got back to their business . " We 're going to do a lot of things . We 'll all have fun , trust me . " James replied . He went in for another kiss , and Lewis and Faith were kissing too . " It 's sad ! He loves girls so much , that the only thing he really does with all his girlfriends is make out with them . " Melissa replied . " What 's wrong ? " Nicole asked . She could see that James was slightly shaking . He shook his head , and took out a water bottle from his backpack and took a big gulp of water . " Everyone please put on your seatbelts . The Dye Train will now be running on the maximum speed the speed limit allows , so do not get up unless you ask for permission . " a voice said from a speaker above . " They talk to us like we 're little children . " Westley said , playing with his little toy car he kept with him all the time . Stephen shook his head at the toy . " You still have toys ? That sucks , dude . This is what a real man has . " Stephen took out a sharp , small steel knife . Westley jumped back a little , then forced Stephen to put it away . " Why the hell would you have a knife with you , man ? Are you trying to kill people or what ? " Wesltey looked around to see if anyone saw . " Could you guys be quiet ? " Jenny asked , pointing at the old man sleeping next to her . Stephen rolled her eyes , stretched across the aisle , and pulled the knife up to Jenny 's eye , barely missing it . " You f * cker ! Ugh , just quit playing around ! " Jenny crossed her arms , her face red from anger . Stephen put his knife away , and Westley looked out the window again . A few minutes passed , and the train 's speed kept on rising . The railroad engineer was distracted as he was talking into his phone , his wife screaming about their son dying in bed . A staff worker tried to get him to get off the phone , but he wouldn 't . " Don 't be so stupid ! Get off the phone and slow the train down ! " the woman said , and the engineer shook his head , trying to slow the train down while talking on the phone . The woman tried to pull the phone away , but the engineer would just not let go of it . He accidentally increased the speed , and continued doing so while thinking he was decreasing it . " Quit ! Get off the damn phone ! " the woman took control of the speed , slightly slowing it down , but it was too late . The train had began to derail . " This train is derailing ! " he screamed . No one seemed to believe him as the derailing had just began . " This train is about to get off it 's tracks ! " he screamed again , and everyone looked out the window . " Oh sh * t ! " Lewis cried out as he saw the whole train slightly jump and leave the track . He grabbed Faith and forced her to duck down with him as the right side of the train was scratched heavily by barbed fences . Behind the barbed fences was a view of a military school and a tunnel . " There 's a tunnel ! " Faith screamed , and finally the windows were broken open as the train began to get faster and the barbed wire 's force was getting strong . Everyone was running around , panicking , and everyone on the right side were trying to avoid being sliced by the barbed wire that was now reaching into the broken windows . Soon enough , James opened his window , and checked what was ahead . The tunnel was still pretty far away . " Guys , get out the windows and call out to the engineer ! " James commanded . Going to the door leading to the engineer 's room wouldn 't work , as he witnessed a woman trying to open it but failed . James and his friends reached out the left windows , waving their hands . Danielle noticed that the barbed fences has passed , but left a large scratch on the edge of the train . She ran to the right side and stuck her head out of the window to see a better view of the tunnel ahead , but the barbed wire ahead surprised her . She was about to pull out of the window when Lewis accidentally bumped into her back , causing her head to be pushed further out the window . Her whole face and neck was sliced by the barbed wire , and her body fell out of the window and onto the tracks . " Danielle ! " Lewis screamed , looking out the window . Getting back in , he was glad the barbed wires have passed , and he saw the small dot of red on some of them from Danielle 's face . " We 're about to reach the tunnel ! " a man cried out , and James ducked down with Nicole . Everyone did the same , except Lewis , who was trying to find Faith in the crowd of ducking people . There was a large crash as the train his the tunnel , and Lewis was thrown out the window out of force . He tried to get up but some of his forehead was ripped off by the speeding train 's bottom , and soon he was run over by the end wheels . " No ! Lewis ! " Faith screamed , and the train was flooded with darkness as it got deeper into the extremely long tunnel that lead down . Melissa pushed through the group of people , desperate for her dead brother to come back . " LEWIS ! LEWIS ! " she cried , but suddenly the train 's left wheels crashed onto the track , causing the train to go right . Everyone tripped to their right as the wheels began to send concrete from the tunnel ground and walls everywhere . " Ah ! Westley , duck ! " Melissa dashed towards Westley , who was about to be impaled by a sharp piece of concrete . She pushed him out of the way but was pierced by the concrete . It landed right in her stomach . " Melissa ! " Westley ran to Melissa , and found that a lot of people were dead from being impaled by the flying concrete . He wished that the tunnel was ending soon , or that the train would somehow get back on the track somehow . " Westley , take my hand ! " Jenny screamed , offering her hand for her . As Jenny tried to save Westley , James bashed on the door leading to the engineer 's room , crying for help . " Do something about the f * cking train ! " James yelled , but knew nothing could be done . As safe as the Dye Train was supposed to be , with it 's high - quality metals and locks , it could never be saved from the severe derailment it was going through . " No , Jenny ! " Westley began to reach out through the broken , open space he was almost thrown out of . Stephen pulled him back in though , and pushed him to the chair as Stephen fell out the train , having the same fate as Jenny . " What happened to Jenny and Stephen ? ! " James asked , and Westley 's tears spoke for him . James could see the suffering all of them were going through by looking at their eyes , and saw that they all regretted ever going on the train . James noticed that Westley was right . They should have gone by car . " Yes , we 're finally going to get through this . . . " Westley sighed , but suddenly the left part of the train jumped out of the tracks , and it moved freely through the grass . This did not last long , and soon the train began to flip over . James , Nicole , and Westley ducked once more , and as their cart was in the air , Westley was forced into the wall , and when it landed on the ground he was pulled out of the train by force , causing him to be crushed by the speeding sideways train as it sped over him . James and Nicole had held on to the seats , saving them from the fate Westley had gotten . The train was getting slown down by the grass , and after a few minutes the train finally stopped . James and Nicole have survived . " It 's . . . it 's over ! " James cheered , but looked at the wrecked mess . The train was only three carts now : the last remaining cart , the front cart , and the engineer cart . All the other carts were destroyed , and so was everyone else . James began to have a major headache , and he fainted , only seeing Nicole reach for him . " James . . . James ! " Nicole said , pulling on James 's shirt . He woke up , and looked around . Everything looked the same . Everyone was talking happily , not dead . And all of the carts were attached . " The train , it crashed ! " that was the only words James could get out of his mouth . Soon enough , the lady walked out of the conductor 's room and began to speak . " Welcome to the Dye Train , where we value customer service . If you would like anything during the train ride , please notify us by pressing the button above you . Our train pretty much works like an airplane . So , I hope you enjoy your ride . We 'll be leaving really soon . " James gasped . All he saw was a hallucination . But wait , what if it was a premonition ? The lady did repeat what she said during the premonition . " We have to get off this train . " James ordered , and the lady gestured for him to sit down . He shook his head and walked to the door . " What the heck ? What 's going on ? " Jenny asked , looking concerned , and soon she was following Melissa and Danielle out . Soon enough , all of James 's friends were off the train . " I had a vision . . . a vision that that train is going to crash and kill mostly everyone . " James said . He took a deep breath , and waited for a reply . " Ugh , whatever ! That train was not going to crash , and you know that . " Danielle turned around and charged out of train station as the train began to descend . Stephen spat at James 's feet , and followed Danielle . " James , what was that for ? " she asked , thinking that her boyfriend had gone completely insane . James just brushed past her , following the others . As soon as he stepped foot on the parking lot , he heard a loud scratching noise . " Oh my gosh ! " Faith yelled as the train entered the tunnel , making horrible noises that were so loud that they could be heard from the parking lot . Everyone turned to James , and he was speechless . A few hours later , they were all at the police station . Just like that , the cops have found them . One of them have seen Jenny leave the parking lot , and had forced her to call James and everybody else . In the room they were sitting in , a police officer named Richard Adams sat down in a chair , papers in his hands . " Hello . I 'm here because this girl right here , " Richard pointed at Jenny . " Told me that a boy named James said he knew the Dye Train was going to crash . Now , which one of you is James ? " " I 'm sorry , Nicole . This was all my fault . The police wouldn 't think of you as an insane person if I was quicker at getting out of that parking lot . " Jenny said . " No , it 's okay . I 'm going home with James tonight , I 'll see you guys later . " Nicole left , leaving everyone else just standing there . " Well , I 'm going home too . All of this pressure is crushing me . " Lewis said , and walked out of the station with Faith following him . Westley , Stephen , Jenny , and Danielle left soon afterward . At James 's house , Nicole found him on the computer , searching something on the internet . She placed a cup on the coffee table . James 's parents had left for a date at the restaurant , and James 's took this time to research about premonitions . Suddenly , James grabbed Nicole by the arm and showed her something . " Look . " he simply said , and on the screen were newspaper articles about people who have had premonitions about disasters , and later survived them . The first one was of Alex Browning having a premonition of an airplane crashing , then later surviving it , then having all of the other survivors die except him and a girl . The others were similar except for the disasters and person having the premonition . " Oh my gosh . . . " Nicole slowly looked at James , knowing that their friends were in trouble . " Well , we don 't know if all of this is the same scenario for us . " " Nicole , I had a premonition about the train . Everyone but you and me died . Then , I got us off the train , and it derailed just like in my premonition . This has to be the same scenario ! " " Well , none of our friends have died yet . " Nicole turned around and sat back down on the couch . James sat down next to her , putting her hand down when she tried reaching for the television remote . " Yet . And anyway , the first article talks about how no one died until a month later . For all we know , no one will die until next year . " James said . " Well , I guess we 'll have to keep watch then , just to be safe . Who died first in the vision ? " Nicole asked , trying to reach for the television remote once more , but failing as James got it and put it behind him . " Fine . " Nicole got up , and walked to the door . " I 'm going home , because I need time to adjust to all of this . You should get rest too , James . If we 're going to keep watch of Danielle , I don 't want her to keep hearing stuff she doesn 't want to hear , like you rambling on and on about death . " she exited the house , and drove away , leaving James sitting there . A day after the train accident , James and Nicole have gone everywhere where Danielle went . It was good news that nothing strange happened to Danielle or any of the others . The next day after that , Danielle had gotten tired of the two . " Look , I 'm going to be fine ! Stop following me . " Danielle said to James and Nicole at their house . They have invited her to watch a movie , but Danielle knew that this was to keep her from doing something . " It 'll be alright . She 's right , we can 't follow her twenty - four seven . " Nicole whispered to him , and she then turned to Danielle , who was tapping her foot impatiently . " So , can I go now without you two stalking me ? " she asked , and James nodded reluctantly . Danielle squeeled with happiness and immediately ran out of the house . James looked at Nicole as she tried avoiding the subject by turning on the television . James was about to say something when suddenly the television roared with extreme volume . " Turn it down ! " James yelled , and Nicole grabbed the remote and turned it down . She gave a James a faint smile , and slowly made her way to the kitchen as she could tell he was angry for letting Danielle go and almost blasting his eardrums . " Hey , Melissa . I 'm like , going to my dad 's studio to listen to some music . You wanna come ? " Danielle asked . Melissa raised an eyebrow in curiosity . " Oh , Melissa . When you 're rich , you just don 't listen to music at home . You go to a studio ! Now , Faith , would you like to come ? " Faith shook her head . " No thanks . I 'd rather be with Lewis than listen to music " she said , and Lewis kissed her on the cheek , and they started giggling and whispering to each other . Melissa rolled her eyes . " Well , he likes to record music , so he bought the studio to make his own songs . Also , you can play music at the studio with better quality , so most of the time me and him just go there to enjoy some nice tunes . " explained Danielle , and Melissa nodded . As they reached Melissa 's house , Danielle rolled her window down , throwing Melissa 's purse at her . " Oh , bite me ! " Melissa yelled back , and she walked into her house . Danielle then drove to the studio , where she found nobody there . She got out of her car , unlocked the front door , and entered . As usual , there were many steroes and amplifiers placed around the studio . She took a CD , which played Johnny Cash 's song ' Train of Love ' . She placed it in a stereo , then put her water on top of it . The song began , and Danielle began dancing as she turned the volume to the half mark . " Train of Love 's a comin ' ! " she sang to herself , then remembered to get her phone . She took a block on a table and placed it on the front door to prevent it from closing and locking . She walked to her car , got her phone , then walked back to the door . Unknowingly , Danielle accidentally makes the doorknob loose by hitting it hard with her phone , and since the doorknob was old , it became loose . " I sit and wait , because I 'm still believin ' ! " she sang , then hit the stereo playfully again before sitting back down . The water bottle falls , the loose cap coming off the top , causing water to spill all over the bottom of the stereo . The water reaches the nearby electrical output , making the stereo go haywire , causing the volume to gradually rises . " Oh yes . " Danielle said , pressing replay on the stereo . She then turned up the volume to three quarters of maximum , causing the electrical output to go even more crazy , making the volume gradually rise even faster . Just then , her phone rang . It was Nicole . Danielle didn 't hear it , as the volume was too loud , and Nicole was put on voicemail . " Um , Danielle . I just want to apologize for me and James stalking you like that . So um , wherever you are , enjoy your vacation . Sorry that all of this had to happen to you . " Nicole said , and pressed send . " What 's next . . . " Danielle murmered to herself as Train of Love was coming to an end . She couldn 't find anything else , so she just pressed replay again . The water had reached the elctrical output for the amplifiers , and soon , the amplifiers began rising the volume even higher . Danielle turned the volume down , but she dropped the remote , and it fell in the water , causing the lid covering the batteries to come off . The water touched the batteries , making the volume rise even higher . " Oh no . " Danielle said to herself , and she tried turning the volume down on the stereo , but it wouldn 't do it . She covered her ears as the volume started getting way too loud , and she tried to open the door so she could get out , but the doorknob wouldn 't open the door . " Sh * t ! " she cursed , trying to kick the door , but it wouldn 't open . She covered her left ear while reaching for her phone with her right hand . As soon as she pressed a button on the phone , it went to voicemail , preventing her from calling anyone . " Hi , " Melissa said , and Danielle started talking , but Melissa cut her off . " Sorry I couldn 't answer your call ! I 'll try to get back to you later . " " No ! " Danielle threw her phone on the ground , covering both of her ears , as the volume was getting way too loud . She began screaming , her ears in pain . She crawled to the electrical output to try to unplug everything , but the volume had gotten even louder , and she fell to the ground , her head spinning , her ears in extreme pain . She then knew that the recording room had soundproof walls , and she slowly crawled in there . As soon as she opened the door and crawled in , the extreme high volume of the music broke the large glass wall , causing glass to fall over Danielle . She screamed in agony , and crawled to the electrical output that powered everything else by using electrical extension cords . As the volume had gotten so unbelievably loud , she reached it , but before she unplugged it , her eardrums blasted , and she was immediately electrocuted as her hand touched the metal part of the electrical plug . Danielle screamed , then fell to the ground , dead . Flashbacks of Danielle 's suffering passed through James 's mind . He had walked to the store , when suddenly he heard ' Train of Love ' playing so extremely loud from the studio . It must 've been louder than anyone could tolerate , because it hurt even his ears when he entered the store . Inside , the customers and staff were covering their ears . Now , he was at Danielle 's funeral , a week after her death , with her family and friends . They knocked down the studio door with a large bench , because it just wouldn 't open . They found Danielle 's body on the ground , tons of blood flowing out of her ears , and her arms looking as if they had been fried . " I told you . I knew we shouldn 't have let Danielle out of our sight . . . now we have to keep watch of Lewis . I 'm not losing another friend . " James gave Lewis a quick glance , and he was consoling Melissa , who was crying heavily . Nicole turned James 's face back to hers , and gave him a nod . Neither of them were going to let Lewis get out of their protection . Meanwhile , Lewis had finally had enough , and had tried to console Melissa . " No ! She 's my best friend ! . . . was my best friend . " Melissa began crying even harder , and walked away from Lewis , who did not make her feel any better . " Melissa ! " Faith and Jenny ran to Melissa , and they all hugged and cried at the same time . Westley and Stephen watched the three , weird looks on their face . " I don 't know , but dude , Danielle died . This sucks . " Westley said , and Stephen nodded . Then , Lewis softly punched Stephen in the back , and the two shared a handshake . " Nothing much . I 'm tryin ' to get Melissa to cheer up , but that ain 't working . I 'm bringing her to the lake today , no matter what she says . She needs to relax . " replied Lewis . " That lake by the factory on the hill . You 'll have fun . " Lewis took out a lighter , letting a small flame burn . Melissa rolled her eyes and walked to the car . " Have fun at the lake ! Watch over Melissa , she 's going through a tough time . " said Faith , and Lewis nodded . As Lewis caught up with Melissa , who was talking to Jenny , James and Nicole were in their car with a notebook in James 's hands . " So , in my premonition , Danielle died first , and then Lewis was next . Melissa was third , Jenny fourth , Stephen fifth , and Westley sixth . We both survived . " James said , and Nicole nodded . " Okay , so if we 're following the pattern right , Death should be trying to claim Lewis 's life soon . I heard Lewis talking about the lake near that factory with Westley and Stephen . We should head there and keep watch of him . " said Nicole . " Oh . . . well anyway , " Nicole shook out of the short , depressing moment . " I 'm glad Lewis is trying to keep Melissa happy . I bet all that sadness is eating her alive . " " Yeah , well if we don 't leave soon , Death is about to consume Lewis . Let 's go . " James 's turned on the car , then followed Lewis as he drove to the lake . " Why are we going to the lake ? " Melissa asked out of no where , taking Lewis by surprise . He turned to her , smiled , and returned his focus to the road . Ahead was a sign saying ' Beware of Sharks ! ' , but it was pushed down by the wind , as it had gotten so old . " Um , what are you doing ? " Westley asked , and Faith held her palm to his face , silencing him . Stephen chuckled , playfully punched Westley on the shoulder , and sat down with Jenny . " Okay , so James hasn 't told me this , but there are five other incidents like the one that happened to us . " said Faith , keeping her eyes on the screen . Everyone huddled around her as she pointed at certain parts of the articles . " The first one was a bridge collapse thingy . The second one was an airplane crash . The third one was a pile up , fourth one a roller coaster crash , and the most recent one is a race track freak accident . " " Yeah , I know right ? " said Jenny as she stood up to feed her fish . She dropped fish food into the sink , and then dropped a little colorful rock . The rock immediately fell on top of a fish food piece , and another was quickly swallowed by a fish . " I don 't know . " Jenny replied , and Westley threw a piece of lint out of his pocket , and it caught on to Jenny 's eye as she sat down . She yelped for a moment , then slapped Westley in the knee . Finally , Lewis made it to the lake . To get there , you had to drive up a long hill , where a small factory was located , then drive down another one to make it to there . The factory seemed to spill any toxic stuff behind it , so the lake was mostly clean enough to swim in . James and Nicole parked the car behind a tree , leaving the front seat window far out enough so the two could keep watch of the siblings . " Oh , me , Westley , and Stephen had an outing the night before the train trip . We drank a bunch of soda . " Lewis replied , changing into his swimming clothes . Melissa followed suit . As Melissa put her clothes at the back seat , Lewis pushes her into it jokefully , making a bottle rattle out of the car and roll into the lake . It begins floating slowly away . " What was that for ? " Melissa laughed as she pushed Lewis out of the car . He ran to the lake , and as he was at the part where only his upper chest could be seen , he dived in . " I 'm not fat ! It 's just that you 've already taken up all the space , that 's why you need more . " Lewis joked , floating in the middle of the lake . It was surprisingly big , and to the left , you could see a stream that seemed to never end . " It 's a long stream . It 's actually big , big enough for a shark . I think it leads to the Pacific Ocean . " James explained , and Nicole nodded , putting the binoculars back to her eyes . " Oh whatever ! " Melissa shouted , and she dived in . She couldn 't see much except a pair of legs , and she had a devious smile on her face . She swam to Lewis 's legs , and was about to pull him down when suddenly , Lewis pushed her down , and soon they were deep in the lake . They looked at each other ; both were already running out of air . They both swam to the shore , and Lewis got out , Melissa coming out right after him . " Lewis ! " James warned , pointing at his car , but it was just too late . The worker near the factory was screaming , distracting Lewis , and the big rock hit his car with such great force , it had begun to tip over . He got out of the water , and squinted his eyes to get a better view of the worker . " Lewis ! " James and Nicole scream in unison , and Lewis tried to run out of the way , but the rock had returned , as it had bounced off the car , rolled back a few feet up the hill , then ran back into it . The car fell on top of Lewis , crushing him . " No ! " Melissa attempted to get up , but she stepped on the bottle with the other foot . She felt like an idiot as she fell in the water , and Nicole ran to her as James tried to push the car off of Lewis , even though he knew he could not be saved . By now , the blood has attracted a small shark to the end of the lake , and since both of Melissa 's feet were disabled now , she sinked into the water , and Nicole jumped in after her . " Nicole ! Nicole ! " James yelled after her , but she was already underwater . She saw Melissa floating down to the lake floor , trying to scream , her eyes yelling out pain . The shark had smelled the blood , and was now swimming towards Melissa . Nicole eyed the shark , then swam as fast as she could to her friend . As she was about to take her hand , the shark opened it 's mouth , and Melissa 's head was soon eaten by it . Nicole 's eye widened in fear , then she swam down , dodging the shark , and punched it in the nose , making it distracted for a moment . She swam for the shore , kicking the shark in the nose again , and ran to James , who had given up on Lewis 's crushed body . " Where 's Melissa ? ! " James asked frantically , and Nicole could not get the words out of her mouth . She simply got in the car , made James follow her , and said , " We failed . Again . " Westley and the others had soon arrived at the lake . The upside down car , the pool of blod pouring out from beneath it . The odd red tint to the water . Everyone knew what had happened . " No . . . no ! " Faith cried out , running to the car , bashing her hands on it . She could not believe her boyfriend had died . Just this morning , she was saying goodbye to him . " F * ck ! " Westley swore , putting his head down in shame . Last Saturday , they were supposed to head to Hollywood , but James prevented them . Then on Monday , Danielle was found dead . Now , it was Saturday again , and two more of his friends had died . Suddenly , a man dressed in all black walked up to them . He nodded as he passed by , and when he brushed by James , he quickly whispered , " Death won 't stop ' till he gets what he wants . " Everyone watched the man aimlessly walk away , and then turned their attention to James , who was pale white now . " Where the f * ck did he come from ? " Stephen murmured , looking shocked as he looked behind his shoulder . James gulped , then walked towards Jenny . " What ? " Jenny asked as James put his hands on her shoulder . It was two days until school started , and he was not losing any more friends . Nicole 's eyes widened as she knew now that Jenny was next on Death 's list . " Oh no . . . Jenny . I don 't care what you 're going to say to this , but you are not leaving my sight . Or James . " said Nicole , and Jenny raised her eyebrows , then she gasped . " I 'm . . . I 'm next . . . aren 't I ? " Jenny asked , and James nodded . She shook her head , not wanting to believe it . Faith 's jaw dropped as she walked back up to them . " Okay , maybe we can mess up this whole line of death process . What if . . . we claim another person 's life ? If we do that , Death might think we filled our deed by filling our space in the premonition with the person we just killed . " Faith explained . James was clearly confused by this . " So what you 're saying is that if we kill someone , they will take our place ? " James asked , and Faith nodded . Jenny did not like the idea . " I 'm not killing anybody so I won 't die ! I deserve to die , apparently . " she simply said , and Stephen clapped his hands in front of her face . " What the crap are you sayin ' ? ! Kill someone , god d * amnit ! I ain 't letting you die ! " Stephen screamed , and Jenny rolled her eyes and walked to Westley 's car . Westley turned to James . " Well , if she 's not sacrificing herself , we 're going to have to keep her alive ourselves . Come with us . " Westley walked to his car , along with Faith and Stephen , who were both discussing about the idea of killing people . James and Nicole walked to their car , and drove out of the lake quickly . Nicole turned around , a tear leaving her eye as she remembered seeing Melissa 's head get mutilated by the shark . " You should just forget about it . " James said , and Nicole turned around . She knew it was best to forget about Lewis and Melissa . They were dead after all . But so was Danielle , and Nicole could never forget any of them . Westley drove to Jenny 's house to drop her off , and Stephen immediately got out of the car and jumped into his . " Where the hell do you think you 're going ? ! " Westley called . " I 'm not facing with any of this bullsh * t ! I 'm gonna enjoy myself at the water park and get some hot * ss to spank ! " Stephen started his car , and quickly to the water park . Faith got in her car , following Stephen . " Alright , well Westley , go with Faith . Watch Stephen as closely as you can if you can 't get him to get out of the water park . " James ordered , and Westley nodded and followed Faith . Meanwhile , James and Nicole stormed into Jenny 's house . " They 're out of town . My aunt comes by every night to check up on me . " Jenny told them , and she grabbed her purse and put on her shoes . James ran to the door , blocking Jenny 's way . " You 're not going anywhere ! We made this mistake with Danielle , and we 're not making it with you . " James said , and Jenny still attempted to get out , but James gently pushed her back , making her sit on the couch . " Come on ! I don 't want to be stuck here all weekend with you two ! " Jenny 's eyes began to tear as she remembered seeing the aftermath of Lewis and Melissa 's death , and this made her finally agree to stay . " That was easy . " said Nicole . " Well , um , can I at least please go to the store ? We have no water here , and my aunt 's going to mad about that . " Jenny said , and James thought about this for a moment . " Nicole . . . from what happened to three of our friends , anything could happen at a store . " James stared at the two , and got his phone . He opened the door , and offered to let Jenny out . " If you 're going to the store , we are too . We 're not letting you out of our protection . I know I sound like a dad , but I 'm serious about all of this . " James 's face had become sad , and tears rolled down his face . Nicole 's eyes began tearing too as she got her purse . " Thanks . " was all Jenny could let out . She walked out of the door , followed by James . As Nicole readjusted her purse , she accidentally knocked over the little coat hanger , and she didn 't hear it fall on a picture of Jenny as she had closed the door . There was a crack on the picture . It was right at Jenny 's left eye . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
We interviewed 1 , 200 elderly Jews in 15 countries and digitized 22 , 000 of their old family pictures . The story you 're about to hear - and see - belongs to Teofila , or Tosia Silberring and we chose this story because Tosia , who passed away in 2005 at the age of 85 , remembers Krakow literally by door number . Something else - this is a story of redemption . What do I mean by that ? I will let Tosia explain . We interviewed 1 , 200 elderly Jews in 15 countries and digitized 22 , 000 of their old family pictures . The story you 're about to hear - and see - belongs to Teofila , or Tosia Silberring and we chose this story because Tosia , who passed away in 2005 at the age of 85 , remembers Krakow literally by door number . Something else - this is a story of redemption . What do I mean by that ? I will let Tosia explain . For years I refused interviews . Whoever called me , I refused . But then they started persuading me that it 's for history , so that the memory doesn 't die . Because when we 're no longer here there won 't be anyone to tell it , because there won 't be anyone from our generation left . Only the second and third , who have heard about it . That 's not the same . But I catch myself sometimes at what I 'm saying . Is it really a faithful account of what happened ? Even I wonder if it 's true . I say that because if it is true , then it seems impossible to have survived it . Hard to believe that you could have survived something like that . Some of my friends , they died at once … and me , who came straight from a home where there really was everything . . . Downstairs in our house there was a bar . It was run by this Orthodox Jew . He was very nice . He made the aspic that I liked so much , and to go with it he baked this special , round , sugar - coated … I don 't know what it was , not cake , not bread . People used to go in for fish and for aspic . We had a very nice apartment , eight rooms on the second floor . My brother HENRYK had his own room , I had mine . The children 's maid had her own room . We were well - off , though not potentates . Father loved everything modern . Father was such that whatever had just come out , he liked to buy : the first radio with a magic eye , a wind - up gramophone , and beautiful records . There was a bathroom , a telephone , a refrigerator ; there was everything there could have been . At home there was a girl to look after the children , who spoke English and German . Miss Brandwein . A Jewess from an intellectual but impoverished home . She was a chemist and taught in a gymnasium somewhere , and in the afternoon she was with us . She picked me up from school , and she did our homework with us and taught us languages . Miss Brandwein had her own room and she had a boyfriend . He also taught at a school . I don 't know whether they cuddled or kissed , but half the class used to come round to my house and we would look through the key hole at what they were doing in there . We had a maid too , and a cook . One of them lived in the servant 's room and the other in the kitchen , and they stuffed themselves like I don 't know what . I wrote the younger one love letters to her boyfriend , because she couldn 't write ; she was from the country . They were there until the war , literally . The cook was even still there when the war had already broken out . SEE ON MAP This is the only picture I have of my father , Juda Nussbaum . Father didn 't have a university degree . He only had his secondary school certificate , but he knew an awful lot of languages . He had simply taught himself . He was one of the first Esperanto speakers in Cracow . He was even learning Spanish while he was in the ghetto ! Father had personal charisma and an awful lot of friends . There were always heaps of guests at our house , those friends of father 's , who weren 't married and didn 't have children . SEE ON MAP Mom worried because I didn 't want to eat , and she was afraid , the poor thing , that I would be hungry . So at night she would put some cake on the night table that I had by my bed . I used to devour them . And in the morning Mom would get up and say , ' Who ate the poor child 's cake ? ' And I would sit up mum , then say , ' I don 't know , perhaps someone came and ate it . I didn 't eat anything , absolutely . ' I didn 't want to eat anything , because I knew that they would worry . Evidently I wanted to be important . Later , in the concentration camp , when I remembered , if I had just a crumb of that cake … I sinned terribly , not wanting to eat . SEE ON MAP My brother , Henryk , was four years older than me . When we were children , we would be first in love , then argue like crazy . My brother was a very able student , which always made me furious . He was an excellent physicist and mathematician . And I was in my brother 's shadow . Yes , I was gifted , but not as much . SEE ON MAP There were no barriers between us and the rest of the children at the elementary school . I didn 't feel any . I had friends . I suspect it depends on the home and on the parents . If the parents at home , in front of the children , don 't say , ' He 's a Jew ' or ' Don 't play with her because she 's a Jew , ' then there isn 't any difference . That was how it was with me and Esia - that was her name - Teresia , or something . She had a little dog and I was very friendly there . SEE ON MAP Our maid , she went to church on Bozego Ciala Street - there 's a beautiful church there - and she always took me . ' Tosia come on , we 're going to church . ' So I would go . And whenever the priest was sprinkling the congregation with holy water , she would say ' Get down under the pew , or he 'll sprinkle you ! ' Mom never minded , because my parents had the healthy view that whatever I learned wouldn 't harm me . SEE ON MAP Around the 5th grade , I became a pupil at the Dr . Hilfstein Hebrew Gymnasium - - a beautiful school on Podbrzezie Street . Very high standards . All the subjects were in Polish , and there was also Hebrew . There was this local scout troop at school , a rather childish one . It was called Hacofer [ Hatzofeh ] I don 't know what that means . There was a very nice leader ; I was a member of course . We had meetings once a week , in our courtyard . There were trips , and talks . And there was also a music room where we had music sessions once a week . The teacher was Mr . Feldhorn . He was a friend of Father 's . He was shot to death . It was like an automobile show outside our school each morning . There was this one boy , Rath ; apparently they 're in Vienna , they survived . They had a company , ' Iskra ' , pencils and crayons . He used to come in a beautiful Chevrolet , and a servant with white gloves used to carry his briefcase . He would carry it into his young master 's classroom , put it under his desk , take his coat off , and after lessons come for him . My first love was a boy in my class . It wasn 't only me , but the whole class was in love with him . A gorgeous boy ; he was Viennese . I didn 't know what had happened to him until 1990 . There was a reunion for our school in Israel and he showed up from the States . And my friends told him that I was alive , so he wrote to me . He said he was going to be in Cracow and of course , we met . We reminisced about old times , and I remembered where he used to live : on Josef Sarego Street , in this beautiful house that was called Dom Wola . Even before the war there were entry - phones and an elevator . I used to go round there a lot , because I liked riding in that elevator , and anyway his parents liked me very much . Opposite our house was Tempel Synagogue . Before the war it was a reform synagogue , for wealthier people , who would come in cars and carriages . An orthodox Jew wouldn 't have gone in there . My parents went to Tempel at every holiday , definitely . And sometimes , when Father went with Mother on a Saturday , they would take me . Tempel was beautiful . The men were downstairs and the women upstairs , and I used to go with Mom up these stairs . There was a barrier there , and you looked down , what the men were doing , how they prayed . That all delighted me . Then Henryk , had his bar mitzvah there . It was a huge celebration , as there is among Jews , even assimilated ones . That was a duty . There were a lot of guests and a great celebration . And I was furious , because my brother got a load of presents and they didn 't give me anything . And I started crying that I hadn 't got anything . I even got mad at him and didn 't give him my best wishes , because I was so mad . For three days there was a huge celebration , we ate and drank . And I was furious the whole time and was pleased when it was all over . So Father went out and bought me a scooter , because I was howling and stamping my feet all the time that my brother had got so much . On Friday afternoon we would go and take chulent to the bakery on Nowy Square , and give it to the baker . Our maid carried it . It was in a big stoneware pot . On Saturday morning she would bring it back warm . It was peas , round ones , which the Jews called ' arbese , ' groats , some kind of fat … On Sabbath Mom always lit candles and made those circular movements with her hands , I remember , over the candles . There was definitely chicken soup with noodles , and fish on Friday evenings . And there were these special challot too . There was always almost the same food to eat , and most importantly , they made what the children liked . On Saturday there was definitely gefilte fish and aspic jelly and that chulent . Delicious ! There was always cake ; on Saturdays there was an awful lot of cake . On Monday mornings this lady would come round and we would give her cake all packed up . She was Jewish too , very elegant , who had evidently fallen on hard times somehow . On Saturdays the maid did everything ; Jews weren 't even allowed to turn the light on , apparently . She could , because she wasn 't Jewish . But the children did everything , because the children were more assimilated . SEE ON MAP I had a carefree , wonderful childhood . It lasted 14 years . If I 'd been at home that childhood would have lasted a little longer . I remember everything most marvelously . Most marvelously ! I had everything that a child could possibly dream of . SEE ON MAP This is the only picture I have of my mother . She is in the center . She was a stay at home kind of person in some ways , but she loved theater , too , and sometimes went out to cafes , which she loved . Mom had been shot at home , by Germans who were taking away the furniture . She tried to stop them and they just shot her . I don 't know where she 's buried . We weren 't allowed to have funerals . They took her to somewhere in Podgorze and there , I don 't know , whether in a mass grave … And those Germans took the furniture anyway ! I remember how Father , with his friend Dreher , who he had written the dictionary and published various papers with , chopped up everything that was left - - the built - in furniture , I mean , so the Germans wouldn 't take it . They chopped up those cupboards of mine , everything , I remember , they chopped it up with an axe . Furs were burned , so as not to hand them over to the Germans : my Mom 's furs . It was dangerous to walk around near Tempel , because you got stopped . While we were still living on Miodowa Street I saw how they would cut Jews ' sidelocks off , torture them . . . Right opposite us , near Tempel , they would kill people up against the wall . . . They killed children - I saw that . And after that it really was very dangerous , but my aunt Hela lived on Jasna Street so we moved in with her ; that wasn 't Kazimierz proper . It was dangerous there too , but not as dangerous as on Miodowa Street , because that was typical Kazimierz and only Jews , but on Jasna Street it varied . In the house next door there weren 't any Jews . My aunt had a very beautiful large apartment . We were there right until we went to the ghetto - and her cook Anna , would make me blueberry perogies to cheer me up . We still had our things when we went into the Podgorze ghetto , and there they allocated one room to three to four families , divided by wardrobes . I slept behind one wardrobe , along with Father and my brother , another family slept behind another wardrobe , and well , that 's how we lived . In the ghetto Father worked in the hospital . We worked in three shifts . Sometimes I would come home and Father wasn 't there ; we would miss each other . And when I had a night - shift I would sleep during the day . There , in the ghetto , I was hungry all the time . Then I would have eaten anything , but there was nothing . They didn 't pay us , of course . We worked for nothing , you see , but nevertheless everyone wanted to be employed , because that was protection from being deported from the ghetto . While we were living in the ghetto , my aun 't maid Anna would come to ghetto fence looking for me , and she had made blueberry pirogies for me - my favorite . And she would cry - Tosia , you 're so hungry ! Father procured food from somewhere . I don 't know whether he still had money or sold things ; he didn 't let me in on the secret . In any case he would bring soup from the hospital . SEE ON MAP There were trucks standing on Zgody Square and the Germans very politely told us to write our names on our suitcases and load them onto the trucks . They said that we would get everything in Plaszow . Rubbish , they never brought any of it . SEE ON MAP And they brought us bread rolls . If anybody had anything to sell they would sell it and bring something else for the money . They helped a lot . There 's a Polish woman still alive , Zofia Godlewska , she lives on Smolensk Street , who worked at Schindler 's with her mother . And they were really poor , but they helped us the most . Zofia brought us letters - that was risking her life . She was my age . SEE ON MAP At Auschwitz we stood on the railway ramp because Schindler wouldn 't let us be put in those blocks , because he wanted to have all of us . He was waiting for a transport . At the time I wasn 't aware whether he 'd paid for it or hadn 't paid for it , whether he 'd pulled any strings . And indeed , our group squatted by the railway tracks and waited for wagons . And so finally , I don 't know after how many days - whether it was three days or five days I can 't say because I can 't remember - these wagons came in , these goods wagons . And it started . ' Everybody from Schindler get up ! ' and there were about 300 people . Schindler said : ' Don 't worry , you 're all going with me . ' Well , and there were these OD - men , the so - called Jewish police - - the Ordnungsdienst , the law and order . They were Jews , prisoners too . Schindler picked three of those OD - men and they were to take us into the wagons , according to the list . And it so happened that one of the OD - men , had evidently taken some money from someone , because he didn 't read my name out , but took someone else instead of me . Ten of us he didn 't read out . We are standing there , and Schindler is by the wagons . I run to him , look , and the wagons are starting to move off , they 're locking the wagons . And I tell him that he didn 't read me out . And he says , ' What do you mean ? ! ' - because he even knew me personally , I mean he knew that I 'd worked for him , because he 'd known me from the camp . He calls the OD - man , and he says ' Hang on , hang on , hang on . ' How he the OD - man pushed me , how he flayed me with that whip ! The wagons moved off , and the ten of us stayed behind ; that was in Birkenau . They put us into blocks in Birkenau . There were selections , but somehow I was lucky ; I was sent to the gas , and then sent back . And from there I moved to Auschwitz , because they were taking people there . Incredibly , I still looked great . I was never a musulman those walking skeletons ; they took them straight off to the gas . At that time they were selecting for Auschwitz . And there , beyond that ' Arbeit macht frei ' sign there were six show blocks , which were the so - called Musterlager . And because I looked so good , they took me there . The blocks were brick , there was water ; we pinched ourselves , wondering if we were in the next world or this . We couldn 't believe it was true . The food there wasn 't better : once a day that slice of bread . But there was water and toilets ; there weren 't the latrines . Then they took me to the experimental block , again because I looked good . And in that block they gave you not one slice of bread but two . And all my friends were so jealous - unaware of what could be there . And all because they gave me that slice of bread more . And in that block they injected us with typhus bacteria and made an antidote to test . And that was the worst , that journey ; it was called the death march , because we walked . . . I walked to Leipzig . Walked ! In snow . It was winter at the time , 20 degrees below zero , and me in one shoe . I 'd never have thought that you could sleep while you walk . We learned to , took it in turns with our friends . We walked four in a row , took it in turns , and the people on the outside supported the one who was asleep . I could sleep as I walked . The road was littered with corpses , these red bloodstains on the white snow . Awful . They shot if you just . . . Eventually we arrived in Ravensbruck where we all prayed that they would send us back to Auschwitz , because that was just indescribable . I think it was the worst camp there was . Above all , we weren 't in blocks , there were just these tents . They packed us in there ; I don 't know how many into one tent . It was like putting 200 people in a tent for four or five . All you could do was sit , one on top of another . You relieved yourself where you sat ; they didn 't let us out at all . SEE ON MAP Well , and after that typhus raged . Terrible . That was truly the worst camp of all the ones I was in . There was typhus , and the Germans were a little afraid of an epidemic , and we , the healthy , were sent to Malchov . That 's a small place outside Ravensbruck , a camp that belonged to Ravensbruck . SEE ON MAP We didn 't even know that the war had ended . We just stood there , there was no camp any more , nothing , but we were afraid to go out . The Germans had ordered us to stand , so we stood . And there first the Allies liberated me , and then the Russians came in . The Allies were astonished at how we looked , but they didn 't take any closer interest . We were black , terribly . Full of dirt too , because towards the end we didn 't live in huts but outside , under some trees . ' Good Lord , how black you are ! What have you been doing ? ' And we asked for food ; they had some tinned food , so they gave it to us , but no - one could eat it . An awful lot of my friends died when they ate it : because we threw ourselves on it , but we weren 't in any fit state . I thought I could eat half the world , but one bite and you couldn 't eat any more . The Russians there in Malchov behaved terribly . They raped and killed two of my friends . Raped and killed them . And I was stupid enough to go and look for my friends . I didn 't realize . I was an idiot . And I went , I asked these Russkies where they 'd gone to . And they just waved their hands . They could have raped and shot me just the same . And the Russian shot everywhere and everyone they wanted to . It was a pogrom . I still looked good . As soon as they told us that we were free , I went into action at once . The local chief councilor came to us , gave us bread and took us to the railroad tracks , so that we could get on when something came . We waited there somewhere , there in Malchov , on the ground , on the tracks , until a train came along . We got on , not knowing where we were going . Anywhere , just forward . Later they put us off , put us on , put us off . . . I got back in July . I flew to Cracow like a madwoman . My father and brother had arranged to meet at our house , at the janitor 's , it was to be there , and all news was to be given to the janitor . So I flew ; Father would be waiting for me , the apartment waiting , and I could go back to school , I wouldn 't have to worry about anything any more . Then I arrived . I knocked on our door , but there was someone living in it . They wouldn 't even let me in ! And the confrontation with reality was the worst shock , worse than in the camp . What I felt inside me when I understood that there was nobody there , that no - one from the family had survived , only me ! And I wanted to go back to the camp . Because at least there , there had been that bunk and I had been someone 's business … I had nowhere to go ; I stood on the street and cried . SEE ON MAP 31 . A place for those who have no home So what was I to do ? No money , no - one wanted to let me into my own home , no - one wanted to give me back my things . What was I to do ? And I was without an education , too . It was well that I could read and write . At least there was that . No - one would even given me a job , because I couldn 't do anything . At 38 Dluga Street they set up a Jewish Committee ; I was directed there . That 's where you posted slips of paper saying who 'd come back . And there were thousands of those slips on the walls . There was a large courtyard , and there they put straw down and you could sleep . SEE ON MAP I put up a slip of paper that I was there , that I was alive , and if any of the family had survived , they should sign . After a month the Korczaks , these friends of my parents , found my note . They wrote that they lived on Karmelicka [ Street ] , and that I should go to them . I went there , and they took me in . They had a very big apartment , they were doing very well , because he was a dentist . They enrolled me in school , because I had to have a sponsor . And I was there right until they left for Israel in 1948 . Before we were taken away , Father had told me where he was leaving what - I even had it written down on a piece of paper - but no - one would give me anything back . They said they didn 't have it , that the Germans had taken it off them , or that they 'd grown attached to it . The photographs survived because Father had given them to a lady called Wladzia . I don 't know how Father knew her , but she used to come to our house , and I looked her up after the war . And she alone gave me everything back . I mean the photographs , Mom 's silver powder box , which I have to this day , and a ring . Nothing particularly valuable , but nostalgic . So she alone , the poorest of all of them , gave me everything back . I had to go to court to get our house back . They even wanted me to pay taxes on it - while a German had been living in it and I was in the camps . But I did get it back . I was , after all , the owner . 35 . Starting University After the war I was studying in university and I met this student , Adam Silberring , because of a book . The textbooks were hard to come by , and a girlfriend knew that I had them , and sent Adam to me because he needed to use them . So that 's how it started . That must have been in 1946 . We married in 1947 . Adam 's family had been well off before the war . They lived in Bochnia . Very assimilated . Adam said they used to drive their car on the Sabbath and orthodox Jews would thrown eggs at them . They had a big house and were lucky enough to be deported by the Soviets to the Ural Mountains . When they came back , they couldn 't get back their house - just a single room in it - and they came to Krakow . And so we met . We started our lives and we had a son - Jerzy . But the past doesn 't go away . Not long after the war , I saw that Jewish OD man who kept me at Płaszów camp . I was at the Feniks Club with my friends . I couldn 't believe it - I said , " It 's the murderer ! " and my friends pounced on him . Oh how they beat him . Yes , there are good and bad people of every faith , of every nation . Once I started doing a little better , I wanted to repay people 's kindness , to help . That Wladzia , for instance , the one who gave me back the pictures and those small things , she was so poor . When Wladzia was ill I procured medicines for her , because she really deserved it . I found Anna , Aunt Hela 's maid , the one who brought me blueberry perogies when i was in the ghetto . She was living on nothing . So after the war , I and my cousin from Wroclaw sent her money every month . Not a lot , because I didn 't have it myself , but that maid was always grateful to us . There was that foreman at Schindler 's ; I looked for him after the war , because he 'd really helped me . I advertised in the newspapers to find him , because I remembered his full name ; now it 's gone from my memory . SEE ON MAP My son , Jerzy , was born in 1949 . I had nothing when it came to serious learning , but my father instilled in me that I would never be someone without an education . Even as I was going to the ghetto he gave me a sack full of books ' because you are going to study , ' he said . So that was something I learnt at home and carried on with my son and granddaughter . I said , ' Son , whatever you learn will be yours . ' Once my son was attending school every day , I used to get up at 5am to clean , sent him off to school at 8 , and then I went out to work for in an office for four hours . I picked him up from school on my way back . I had to cook , wash , do everything , so that job suited me . SEE ON MAP 40 . Living a life I used to go to concerts , to the movies . Apart from that I had an awful lot of friends . We would play bridge all night , straight from bridge to work - I was hardly ever at home . I was never sad . Never . I didn 't allow it , because I 'd had enough sad years . So I made the most of it wherever I could . SEE ON MAP Jerzy studied chemistry and physics at Jagiellonian University . He did his Ph . D . very quickly and went away to Sweden ; ten years he lectured at the university in Uppsala . He 's lectured in Japan too . He speaks five languages . In 2000 he became a professor at the Jagiellonian University . I gave him everything I could have given . It all cost . But becoming a professor is his own achievement , because I didn 't demand that of him . SEE ON MAP There was a man from the Kolbe - Werk , called Konradi , who came to Cracow one fine day and he called me . He said he had read an interview with me and asked if he could meet me . He asked if I could even meet a German , if I didn 't have some kind of mental scar . We arranged to meet in Cafe Jama Michalika . He came in , a very handsome , elegant man , in fact , and brought heaps of roses , a huge bouquet , about 20 or 30 roses . At once , without hesitating , he knelt down , literally with tears in his eyes and gave me the roses . He asked if I could give him my hand ; if he could greet me . So I say , ' Well , I 've never done it before ; I 'm a Jew and you 're a German , but this once … ' and I greeted him . I had tears in my eyes too . That was seven or eight years ago . After that he always came , every year , like the best of friends . Later he invited me to Germany . He paid for a holiday in Fulda for me and asked if I could bear the German language , if I would be able to listen to it . But somehow that barrier of hate has broken down in me , as far as he goes . I considered him my friend . Later I wrote to the Kolbe - Werk , that he was the first German with whom I 'd been able to break down that barrier and give my hand . I wrote that he was a wonderful man , and that had there been people like that during the war , there wouldn 't have been a war . He died two or three years ago , of cancer . I really took his death hard . Those meetings were wonderful . He was a man of silk . 43 . There 's a street I just can 't go Today I have trouble walking , but still I go out to enjoy this beautiful city of mine . When I do go for a walk , sometimes a friend will try to lead me into Kazimierz , past Miodowa Street and my house . But I must admit that I don 't go to Miodowa Street . If I have to go that way , I 'll go round it . I can 't . I still have Mom before my eyes , trying to protect her furniture . . . I didn 't see the Germans shoot her , but it 's stayed in my head , and I constantly imagine it . Even now . " Jewish Krakow on the Footsteps of Teofila Silberring " mobile application is available under the Creative Commons Attribution 3 . 0 Poland ( BY ) license . Some rights reserved for the Foundation Galicia Jewish Heritage Institute ( Galicia Jewish Museum ) and Centropa . The application was created as part of the " Cooperation in Public Diplomacy 2015 " programme of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs . Permission is granted to any use of the work , provided the information listed above , including information about used licenses , about holders of copyrights and about the " Cooperation in Public Diplomacy 2015 " programme . |
It wasn 't long before the boy was back at the school with loads of washing in front of him again , singing about his wrinkly fingers again , trying to ignore the pain in his leg . The soldiers laughed to see him swinging about on his crutches while somehow hanging up washing and fondly named him , Gympi . Almost every night , they would call him to come and tell them a story or sing them a few songs . He solemnly told them stories about what would be happening in their homes , animals in the wild , nonsense stories like an argument between soap bubbles and sang songs about anything and everything . He reminded the soldiers of their families far away in their own country . He was there when the Commander in Chief arrived to inspect what was going on , although he didn 't realise when he had driven in . The Commander in Chief had not been deterred from coming to see the font lines for himself , despite the unstable position . All the soldiers in the school were standing at attention when they heard a clear voice singing about three frogs in a well . " Your washer boy ? " the Commander in Chief said incredulously . " Why do you need a washer boy ? Don 't your soldiers have their own hands to wash with ? " " Hello sir , I 'm Gympi , the washer boy and former runner in the front lines . I stowed away on a truck to get here and have been helping out ever since . The place seemed rather quiet , so I came to see what was going on . Nice to meet you , sir , " Gympi stuck out his hand and the Commander in Chief shook it firmly , despite his surprised frown . The Commander in Chief drew his breath in sharply through his teeth . " You saved the Major 's life ? Did you stow away on a truck from over the old border ? Are you one of our own boys ? " " What were you doing , using such a young boy as a runner ? An enemy boy even ! He might have sabotaged something . War is no place for a boy . " " I wouldn 't do that sir , " Gympi interrupted . " Much as I don 't like war , I reckon that helping out is better than starving . Perhaps I could even remind people of home and help to stop the war . Help make peace , you know . I don 't understand what the war 's about , but I 'm sure that you 'd all rather be safely at home than here . " " Sorry sir . I can 't run and I won 't be able to when they get here in a few hours . They 're coming to take the school back . I suggest you leave right now , if you value your life . " " Ears are very useful things , " Gympi replied holding up his hand . It was a gesture of authority one didn 't normally see in a child , " if you use them properly . Listen . " The Commander in Chief looked out at his men and shook his head . " I should have listened to the Martial . Never mind , I have been on the back lines for a long time . No good leader leads from behind . It 's about time I showed these men that I can still fight . Fetch me an ordinary soldier 's uniform . " " Men , " the Commander in Chief said . " Today I will be fighting as one of you , and we will hold this post or die fighting . I 'm not running off and leaving you to die for me . I 'll not be remembered as a coward . Remember why we are here , who we are and what we are fighting for . Now let 's get ready to meet our enemy ! " Not long later , the fighting began . Gympi sat hunched up in the most solid corner of the portable he could find , hoping that no stray bullets would find its way in here . How long he had huddled in that corner , he did not know . His mind was off with his imagination , trying to forget the terrifying situation that he was in . Later that day or was it the next day ? Gympi wasn 't sure , that the fighting stopped . He presumed that his countrymen had won this fight , from the sound of banging doors and shouts as if people were searching all the classrooms . " Well these men did express some concern for a boy that was hiding in the portables . You must be Gympi . The Major here says that you were a washer and messenger boy for them and that you saved his life . " " Stop it ! Stop it ! " he shouted . " Isn 't it enough that they are your prisoners ? Would you want to be in their position ? Stop it ! " " If it isn 't the little traitor , " Coombs slurred . " Well , if you don 't want them to be hurt , then you certainly will , you little sneak . Hey mates , here 's one turned bad . He helped the enemy , so he 's got to be one of them right ? " Somebody snatched the crutches from Gympi 's hands . Another punched him in the stomach . Gympi fell down . Boots kicked and crunched . The other prisoners tried to stop them , but were just thrown off , kicked severely and told to stay put . Somebody had taken up his crutches and was hitting him with them . Snap ! Something broke . Gympi groaned . His eyes felt painfully dry and everything hurt . He could hear moans around him and a few screams . Sounds like the hospital , he thought . He tried to open his eyes , but it was as if a great weight had been placed on them and it was a great effort to even try . He gave up and drifted back into oblivion . " Ah . The hero 's awake now , is he ? " Doctor Stonehed came bustling up , trying to find the end of a roll of bandages he had somehow tangled up . The doctor leaned in closer so that Gympi could hear his soft words , " Between us , the Commander in Chief and Major Peneer thank you for stopping your soldiers from killing them that night . You 've become a real hero in our country . I would like to thank you too , for saving their lives . " " No , but I would be very proud of you if I were your father . Also the Commander in Chief and Major Peneer managed to escape back across the border a few days ago , while you were out of it . They got lucky . Apparently there was an accident in Danwick , but they managed to escape with minimal injuries . " Gympi 's stomach growled . It growled very loudly . " Good morning , Gympi . That 's your name now isn 't it ? " Alison said cheerfully . " I brought you some breakfast . " " You eat slowly now , ok kid ? I 'll be back later to collect your dishes . I 've got to feed the other men too , " Alison wheeled a trolley between beds , handing out breakfast to the men that could not get up and walk to the kitchen themselves . Gympi looked around as he ate . His room contained more beds than it was originally made for . Most of the other patients in his room were other soldiers with various injuries . Some were groaning in pain , some were quiet and still . Still others , like him were awake and thoughtful , munching on the buns they 'd been given for breakfast . There was also a smell of dirt and infected wounds , smells that a hospital seldom had before the war had begun . " The doctor will be along soon , to check on everyone in this room . So sit tight a little longer . You 're not in too much pain ? " Doctor Stonehed entered the room and inspected his patients . Followed by another man and a nurse , he directed changes of bandages or helped patients to sit up in bed . Eventually he came to Gympi . " Unfortunately we don 't have many painkillers , but we 'll let you have this one . I 'm sure you understand that we can 't give everyone much pain relief , but this should last you a little while . Now , let 's see how all your injuries are going . " After he had finished , Doctor Stonehed smiled , though there was a shadow of uncertainty about it this time . " You 'll be fine . As I told you last time , young people like you always spring back to shape quite quickly . Now , try to sit up for the rest of the day if you can manage it , ok ? Well , I must be off now . See you later Gympi . " Gympi slowly swung his heavy legs over the edge of the bed and let them dangle . They throbbed and he pulled them back up with effort . He wished he could remember who he was and where he came from . He wished he wasn 't in the hospital and that the war had never started . He wished he was back at home , but where was home ? He wanted his mother , but all he could remember of her was a warm presence . " Now look what you 've done , you oaf ! " the soldier yelled , slapping the boy in the face . " Go and redo the washing again . If my shirt 's not clean and dry by tomorrow , you know what you 'll get ! " The boy had been living with the soldiers for a month now , in the main camp at the border between the two warring countries . The enemy had invaded his country very quickly and taken over his town , whichever one it was , just days after the official declaration of war had been given . These soldiers had found him wandering aimlessly about , having lost all former memory and had enlisted his help as their general camp servant . As far as they knew , he had no name and did not need one . One yell of ' Boy ! ' was enough and he 'd come running . He cooked and cleaned for them ; sometimes even polished their gear , though not when the officers were about . This camp was known to the soldiers as Heckler Camp , where the soldiers after being on leave were sent to recuperate in the township of Herrick and get fit again before heading back out to the war front . Heckler Camp was just 30 minutes drive from Thistlowood . The 5th Company were marching out to relieve their comrades at the frontlines in two days and the boy would be going with them . The soldiers of 5th Company quite liked their boy . He was quiet , didn 't cry when he was hit and did as he was told with alacrity . He could tell good stories , but he never smiled . He wasn 't supposed to be coming with them , but they had decided that they would smuggle him as far as they could . For some of the men , he reminded them of their sons back home . Captain Isenskowl turned to see a shadow slip off into the dark . He dashed out of his tent with a shout , but could see nobody about . He was sure there was a boy in the camp , who moved silently and like the wind . He had only ever seen this boy 's shadow , and was sure that he must be a spy for the enemy . All the men he questioned always denied ever seeing a boy about . In Thistlowood , a tall , well built boy with roughly cut hair was busy trying to find enough food for all the children he had managed to save . They never saw him ; neither did he want them to . He was ashamed of himself and there was nobody to tell him that he needn 't be . These children were mostly war orphans that he 'd saved from their burning houses and taken to the caves in the hills . Most of them were his former classmates and schoolmates . The children of the caves knew they had a benefactor who was trying to take care of them . Besides the food they foraged for themselves in the town , their benefactor often left them presents of food , clothes , blankets or toys . They had plenty of water , for there was a stream running nearby . Most of the presents he left them were from the enemy and had the enemy 's marks branded on them . Two days ago , he had left them a basket full of Spyri branded clothes . Since that day , the children all decided that they would call their mysterious friend , whether he was an enemy or not , Spyri . From a distance , the boy always watched and helped Spyri , although Spyri didn 't know it . The boy travelled large distances during the night quickly and could move as silently as Spyri . He often visited this town during the night and sometimes during the day , when he thought that the soldiers at Heckler 's Camp would not miss him . There was something about this town that drew him although he didn 't know why . He had seen all the children that Spyri had saved and knew where they all hid . He watched all the goings on in town and his eyes and ears missed nothing , but he kept all the town 's secrets to himself . It was getting late . The sun would be coming back up soon . The boy ran back to the camp to get a few hours rest before being kicked awake by a soldier . " I 'll call you when we get there . We 'll be moving in an hour 's time . Be still or you 'll get found . " Albert 's footsteps faded away and the boy drifted back into a dreamless sleep . The truck 's engine and jolting woke him up . The boy lay still a moment , wondering where he was . Then he remembered . They were off , going to a place called Murnabeem at the war 's front . After a lot of jolting around , he fell asleep again . The air was warm and stuffy . " I 'm not a spy , sir , " the boy replied , seeing Albert 's glare . " I don 't know why I got onto the truck . I think I was play - acting at being a soldier and woke up and found myself here , with that soldier there yelling at me . " " You are a very brave boy , " Captain Isenskowl laughed . " Since you are here , we will make use of you . You 'll soon wish you never stowed away , pretending to be a soldier . You can be a messenger , a runner , for when we can 't send news over the wire . You will answer to me . " " But if I find out that you are a spy … " Captain Isenskowl lifted his gun and fired a shot in the ground , making the boy jump visibly . " You know what you will get . " " Everyone , eh ? Even all the other soldiers , hmm ? " Captain Isenskowl scowled knowingly at Albert . " Very well then , we will call you ' Boy ' until we find a nice name to suit you , eh ? What do you think , Boy ? " By the end of the day , the boy knew the whole layout of the school and also where the other nearby camps of soldiers were located . Captain Isenskowl had kept him busy with relaying messages all over the front lines , and the boy soon found that Murnabeem was actually just beyond the front lines . Fifth Company were to hold this school in case of retreat . Soon the surrounding camps all knew him too . The boy found that he often ended up with a large amount of washing to do for each camp . Wrinkly fingers seemed to be his lot in life . So he sang , whenever he had a large amount of washing . " Washing ! Forget it ! Those soldiers will have to wear what they are wearing for another day . Go and let all the other camps know that the lines are down and that you will be our main runner for the time being . Then report back to me . " " Our position is not yet stable ! The Commander in Chief must not come . " Major Peneer said . " We must keep the enemy 's heads down . I 'll get someone else to send that message . Go and have a rest , Boy . You haven 't stopped today yet . " The boy went to a little corner of the trench and slept on a small pile of sacking that was kept there . He awoke to many shouts and the earth shaking beneath him . His countrymen had found the range of the trenches and were giving them a good raking . He ran out to be pushed aside by escaping soldiers , and was pulled into Major Peneer 's hole . " Come on , Boy , we have to retreat a little way , " Major Peneer shouted above the noise . They ran through the low ditches to the back trenches that were quieter . There Major Peneer and other CO 's rallied their men to prepare for the expected onslaught from the other side . " Go tell Captain Isenskowl what is happening , " the Major ordered . But just as he was about to turn and run , the boy felt an ominous inkling within him and without thinking , he grabbed Major Peneer and pushed him behind a mound of dirt . " What the - ? " Major Peneer pulled out his gun thinking that the boy was attacking him , when there was a great boom that deafened them both and the shockwave pushed them into a trench just beyond . The boy woke up in the hospital and looked to his right . A nurse hurried by him . He tried to move , and must have made a noise , because she came back . Searing pain shot up his leg . " Aah , yes . They said you 'd been the runner in the front while the communication lines were down . Major Peneer had you brought in ; they say you saved his life . You 're too young to have been at the front lines though . " " Good , good . I 'll let Major Peneer know that you 're awake and he will send someone to fetch you . I 'm sorry we have to kick you out of bed so quickly , but there are so many soldiers that need help at the moment , you see . You 'll be fine . Young ones like you tend to spring back very quickly . I think you 're a bit young to be a runner . I don 't know where they got you from , nor do I want to know . We 've run out of plaster , so I 've only been able to give you a splint and some medicine for the pain . There 's a pair of wooden crutches you can use to get around . I must be going now . " " You 're very lucky to be alive , " Alison said . " Here are your crutches . Just hop your way to the entrance of the hospital and put your foot up on the bench until someone comes for you . " It wasn 't long before the boy was back at the school with loads of washing in front of him again , singing about his wrinkly fingers again , trying to ignore the pain in his leg . The soldiers laughed to see him swinging about on his crutches while somehow hanging up washing and fondly named him , Gympi . Almost every night , they would call him to come and tell them a story or sing them a few songs . He solemnly told them stories about what would be happening in their homes , animals in the wild , nonsense stories like an argument between soap bubbles and sang songs about anything and everything . He reminded the soldiers of their families far away in their own country . He was there when the Commander in Chief arrived to inspect what was going on , although he didn 't realise when he had driven in . The Commander in Chief had not been deterred from coming to see the font lines for himself , despite the unstable position . All the soldiers in the school were standing at attention when they heard a clear voice singing about three frogs in a well . " Your washer boy ? " the Commander in Chief said incredulously . " Why do you need a washer boy ? Don 't your soldiers have their own hands to wash with ? " " Hello sir , I 'm Gympi , the washer boy and former runner in the front lines . I stowed away on a truck to get here and have been helping out ever since . The place seemed rather quiet , so I came to see what was going on . Nice to meet you , sir , " Gympi stuck out his hand and the Commander in Chief shook it firmly , despite his surprised frown . The Commander in Chief drew his breath in sharply through his teeth . " You saved the Major 's life ? Did you stow away on a truck from over the old border ? Are you one of our own boys ? " " What were you doing , using such a young boy as a runner ? An enemy boy even ! He might have sabotaged something . War is no place for a boy . " " I wouldn 't do that sir , " Gympi interrupted . " Much as I don 't like war , I reckon that helping out is better than starving . Perhaps I could even remind people of home and help to stop the war . Help make peace , you know . I don 't understand what the war 's about , but I 'm sure that you 'd all rather be safely at home than here . " " Sorry sir . I can 't run and I won 't be able to when they get here in a few hours . They 're coming to take the school back . I suggest you leave right now , if you value your life . " " Ears are very useful things , " Gympi replied holding up his hand . It was a gesture of authority one didn 't normally see in a child , " if you use them properly . Listen . " The Commander in Chief looked out at his men and shook his head . " I should have listened to the Martial . Never mind , I have been on the back lines for a long time . No good leader leads from behind . It 's about time I showed these men that I can still fight . Fetch me an ordinary soldier 's uniform . " " Men , " the Commander in Chief said . " Today I will be fighting as one of you , and we will hold this post or die fighting . I 'm not running off and leaving you to die for me . I 'll not be remembered as a coward . Remember why we are here , who we are and what we are fighting for . Now let 's get ready to meet our enemy ! " Not long later , the fighting began . Gympi sat hunched up in the most solid corner of the portable he could find , hoping that no stray bullets would find its way in here . How long he had huddled in that corner , he did not know . His mind was off with his imagination , trying to forget the terrifying situation that he was in . Later that day or was it the next day ? Gympi wasn 't sure , that the fighting stopped . He presumed that his countrymen had won this fight , from the sound of banging doors and shouts as if people were searching all the classrooms . " Well these men did express some concern for a boy that was hiding in the portables . You must be Gympi . The Major here says that you were a washer and messenger boy for them and that you saved his life . " " Stop it ! Stop it ! " he shouted . " Isn 't it enough that they are your prisoners ? Would you want to be in their position ? Stop it ! " " If it isn 't the little traitor , " Coombs slurred . " Well , if you don 't want them to be hurt , then you certainly will , you little sneak . Hey mates , here 's one turned bad . He helped the enemy , so he 's got to be one of them right ? " Somebody snatched the crutches from Gympi 's hands . Another punched him in the stomach . Gympi fell down . Boots kicked and crunched . The other prisoners tried to stop them , but were just thrown off , kicked severely and told to stay put . Somebody had taken up his crutches and was hitting him with them . Snap ! Something broke . Gympi groaned . His eyes felt painfully dry and everything hurt . He could hear moans around him and a few screams . Sounds like the hospital , he thought . He tried to open his eyes , but it was as if a great weight had been placed on them and it was a great effort to even try . He gave up and drifted back into oblivion . " Ah . The hero 's awake now , is he ? " Doctor Stonehed came bustling up , trying to find the end of a roll of bandages he had somehow tangled up . The doctor leaned in closer so that Gympi could hear his soft words , " Between us , the Commander in Chief and Major Peneer thank you for stopping your soldiers from killing them that night . You 've become a real hero in our country . I would like to thank you too , for saving their lives . " " No , but I would be very proud of you if I were your father . Also the Commander in Chief and Major Peneer managed to escape back across the border a few days ago , while you were out of it . They got lucky . Apparently there was an accident in Danwick , but they managed to escape with minimal injuries . " Gympi 's stomach growled . It growled very loudly . " Good morning , Gympi . That 's your name now isn 't it ? " Alison said cheerfully . " I brought you some breakfast . " " You eat slowly now , ok kid ? I 'll be back later to collect your dishes . I 've got to feed the other men too , " Alison wheeled a trolley between beds , handing out breakfast to the men that could not get up and walk to the kitchen themselves . Gympi looked around as he ate . His room contained more beds than it was originally made for . Most of the other patients in his room were other soldiers with various injuries . Some were groaning in pain , some were quiet and still . Still others , like him were awake and thoughtful , munching on the buns they 'd been given for breakfast . There was also a smell of dirt and infected wounds , smells that a hospital seldom had before the war had begun . " The doctor will be along soon , to check on everyone in this room . So sit tight a little longer . You 're not in too much pain ? " Doctor Stonehed entered the room and inspected his patients . Followed by another man and a nurse , he directed changes of bandages or helped patients to sit up in bed . Eventually he came to Gympi . " Unfortunately we don 't have many painkillers , but we 'll let you have this one . I 'm sure you understand that we can 't give everyone much pain relief , but this should last you a little while . Now , let 's see how all your injuries are going . " After he had finished , Doctor Stonehed smiled , though there was a shadow of uncertainty about it this time . " You 'll be fine . As I told you last time , young people like you always spring back to shape quite quickly . Now , I don 't want you to lie down or get back into bed for the rest of the day if you can manage it , ok ? Well , I must be off now . See you later Gympi . " Gympi slowly swung his heavy legs over the edge of the bed and let them dangle . They throbbed and he pulled them back up with effort . He wished he could remember who he was and where he came from . He wished he wasn 't in the hospital and that the war had never started . He wished he was back at home , but where was home ? He wanted his mother , but all her could remember of her was a warm presence In the near future , I will be posting here parts of the story Legend of Spyri and Gympi . Critics have advised the author , Korallieam , that this story it is too straightforwardly for children - ie told rather than shown . Korallieam likes it as it is . I just think it 's unique . To each his own . Stuart Mendleton was known as the school bully . He was mean , rough and generally disliked , as school bullies usually are . He was a tall , well - built boy , with roughly cut , coarse brown hair and liked to be the centre of attention . Attention was something his parents seldom gave him as they were usually away at work until late . Stuart 's two brothers were already in high school and ignored him , unless he had done something to annoy them . Andrew Cotton on the other hand , was the Mayor of Thistlowood 's only son - the golden boy , and the town 's folk loved to gossip about what he had been up to next . He was the kind of boy people loved and yet were exasperated by ; a thoughtful child with his own unique view of things . Andrew was mature beyond his years , some said . He was the school clown ; but he easily held the top marks in class and could hold the other school children spell - bound by his stories and acting or send them into fits of laughter by the songs he was forever making up . If something big was going on in town , you could be sure to find Andrew in the middle of it . You could then easily understand why Stuart 's main aim in life was to make Andrew 's life as miserable as possible . Today was like every other school day . It was lunchtime and Stuart was out to hunt Andrew down . Of course Andrew knew that and was carefully staying on the other side of the school grounds , hoping to avoid any confrontations . He had some younger children around him , begging him to finish the story he had been telling them the day before . Being unable to find Andrew after several circuits of the school grounds , Stuart eventually gave up , and began picking on the kids nearest to him . Meanwhile , Andrew had given in to the first graders and sat down to finish the tale of ' the duck and the fox ' . After a while , the sounds of a 2nd grade kid being tormented filtered over to where Andrew was acting out the story . In the middle of being a fox and pretending to follow the duck 's trail with his nose , Andrew suddenly lifted his head , winked at the children around him and began singing . All the school children knew this song . It was a rousing , marching sort of song that Andrew had made up to spite Stuart . When Andrew sang this song , it meant he was ready for a fight . He couldn 't stand bullying and letting other kids get picked on . " Hello Stuart . You step on another kid by accident again ? " Andrew asked , helping the boy up . " You all right , Jamie ? A pity he never treads on his own feet , he 's so clumsy , you 'd almost expect it of him , wouldn 't you ? Such an elephant , never mind , we 'd better get out of the way . He 's coming full charge . " " The name 's Mendleton , you singing sissy ! " Stuart growled . " You made a fool of me in class again . Who says I can 't spell , eh ? Who says I can 't read ? O ' course I can , every sixth grader can ! " Andrew laughed . " That 's why you 're always at the bottom of the class ? Failed sixth grade for the fourth year running now , haven 't you ? We 'd be quite happy to teach you to read you know . " All the children laughed . Fancy a sixth grader being unable to read . They knew Stuart had been stupid , but not that stupid . Anyway , who could be bothered teaching that lumbering Neanderthal to read ? Miss Williams and Mr Smith came hurrying into the playground , followed by a tagging Jessica Frilby . All the children scattered as Mr Smith roared , " Ok boys ! Break it up or I 'll break up you both up ! " " That 's enough , Andrew , " Miss Williams said firmly , but with a sigh . " We 'll have to let your parents know . Again . You too , Stuart . Come inside now , both of you . " " Try and make me , " Stuart challenged , pointing a finger at Andrew who was fetching his far flung shoes . " That - that stuck up , know - it - all , that sissy , can 't even fight me proper like a man and all of you always come and save his soft little butt . He 's always making fun of me and you always pick on me , like it 's my fault ! " " Calm down , Stuart , " Mr Smith said , stepping toward Stuart . " You 're both getting into equal trouble . You realise this is about the twentieth fight the two of you have had this week ? " " Tenth then , " Mr Smith glowered at Andrew . " I am thinking that Mr Proctor might suspend the two of you from school soon . I would personally prefer to expel both of you , for this continuous atrocious behaviour . You know you are the role models for the school ! Now come ! " " What will your father say , Andrew ? " " Father ? " Andrew blinked and drew himself up ram - rod straight , tilting his head a little to one side , lowering his voice and shaking his head sadly . " Andrew , Andrew , what am I going to do with you son ? I 've told you over and over not to get into fights . Why do you have to grieve your mother like this ? One day you are going to grow up and become mayor in my place . We can 't have you getting up and into fights all the time . " " What did you say , Andrew ? " Miss Williams asked in shock . " How can Stuart become mayor , he - he … well , he can 't even … " Andrew shrugged . " Stuart will make an excellent mayor when he grows up , that 's all . I won 't be around often enough to be elected to the job . " Full of joy and song . " Miss Williams shook her head and exchanged glances with Mr Smith , as they followed Andrew to the principle 's office . Stuart trailed behind , wondering whether he should be insulted at Andrew saying that he would be mayor when he grew up or whether it was supposed to be a compliment . That boy had to be raving mad . Absolute nuts . " Andrew Cotton . Stuart Mendleton , " said Mr Proctor 's slow voice . " You have both been very disruptive this past week , and it seems you still have not been able to sort out your differences in a gentlemanly manner . Neither of you are actually very bad boys , so I have been extremely lenient with you both , but enough is enough . Starting this Monday , you will be suspended for a week . I do not expect to see either of you in school until Monday the 14th of May . Is that understood ? " " It is a shame , Andrew , that you have not been able to uphold your father 's good name . Your actions allow others to talk about him behind his back . You know this and so do I . Now go back to class , both of you . I must write a letter to both of your parents . " Stuart shuffled out of the room with his hand in his pockets , indifferent to the punishment . He would have a whole week to do what he wanted and not have to go to school . He didn 't care what his parents would say . His father would cane him again , but that would be it . Mr Proctor looked at the closed door , slightly confused , as he listened to the whistled ' I hear the band far away ' fade down the corridor . In all of his school life , Andrew had never thanked him for punishment of any sort . He had always taken any punishment quietly , that much was true , but he had always been afraid to hear what his father would say when he got home . He had always had a look of suspense on his face . Today , he had been as calm as - as calm as … strangely enough to Mr Proctor , it seemed like the same calmness or stillness that could be seen before a large storm . Which was indeed , a strange way of putting it , yet it seemed to mirror Andrew 's mood . He had been as calm as nature before a storm . Andrew and Stuart received what punishment they had expected from their parents . Andrew lost all pocket money for a month and Stuart , a few quick swipes of the cane . As expected , both received a large amount of disappointment from their parents . It was over the week end that things changed . It was announced there would be war and by Monday , the whole town 's talk was about the war . Everyone had forgotten about Andrew and Stuart . The border was only a few townships away . The children were forbidden outside the town 's borders . On Wednesday , many women waved a tearful farewell to their men . A handful of men , such as Andrew and Stuart 's fathers had not yet received their summons . Jessica 's father was considered unfit for service , being lame in one foot and so could not be go . But it was on Friday , before they had left home , that the war came to Thistlowood . It was sudden and quite unexpected . That the enemy would have pushed through this far , without their hearing of it ! And that was that . Andrew 's father could no longer leave town to join the war effort , he was already in it . The entire town was told that food , water and electricity would be rationed from now on . Resistance was futile and would be put down immediately . Mayor Timothy Cotton and a few others including Mr Mendleton openly opposed Captain Isenskowl 's rule and meagre rations . They agreed that they would fight to the death and the town 's folk supported them . The enemy would never take their town ! That night , was the Night of Burning . Someone had informed the enemy of which houses belonged to the main rebels . One boy had seen the informer , but things happened too quickly , and before he could tell anyone , it was too late . Many people died or were lost and nobody knew what had become of them . Men , women , young and old . The town was in chaos … and Captain Isenskowl established the town as an enemy base . |
At the end of the January Ryan had to go on a one week training course on London . He was told that I could go with him providing that I paid for my own travel . Something about being able to cover - up the extra hotel charges , but not the extra train ticket . Just before we left home Ryan had given me a little package . He told me not to open it then , but to wait until I needed it . He told me that it was an alternative bikini bottoms to go with my yellow bikini . I put it in the suitcase and promptly forgot about it . We were put up in a big , nice central hotel ; a touch of luxury . Our room was on the ninth floor but we were on the side where the only view we had was to the hotel across the street . The first thing that Ryan did was to open the curtains and net curtains . He said that we way too little sunlight in this country at this time of year and he didn 't want to miss any of it . We went down for breakfast that first morning to a relatively quiet hotel restaurant . I was a little surprised to see a couple of guests there in their hotel bath robes . We assumed that there must me a swimming pool in the hotel leisure centre . After Ryan left for his course I decided to go for a wander round the hotel and see what I could find . I found the leisure centre with a swimming pool and a jacuzzi nearby . It also has a sauna and big workout room . It put that little hotel that I 'd worked in to shame ; although I never saw one naked housekeeper there . I put on my little tennis skirt , the white top with the lace band , and trainers and headed to the leisure centre . In the little reception area they got me to sign - in and gave me a towel . The man there also told me that I shouldn 't use any of the exercise machines without an adult there . I was going to put him right , but I couldn 't be bothered . I got on it and peddled for a couple of minutes . As I peddled I though back to the exercise cycle in the hotel where I had worked . I remembered how I 'd set the seat so high that my pussy was rubbing from side to side as I peddled . Yes , that was much better ; my clit started getting a workout as well . I got wetter and wetter and the arousal factor increased . Before long I was cumming and struggling to keep quiet . As the waves of pleasure receded I slowed down and then got off the cycle . After wiping my juices off the saddle with my towel I went to the water machine that was just round the corner from reception . As I was drinking I heard the receptionist man tell another man that everything was quiet apart from a cute piece of jail - bait . I went back to the workout room and was just stood there deciding what to do when another man came in . He introduced himself as Jim , ' the personal trainer ' . He told me that he 'd just started his shift and would be pleased to help me use any of the machines if I wanted . I couldn 't be bothered to put him straight and we went to the end of the row of machines . We went to about 4 machines where Jim gave a demonstration then set them up for me ; then talked me through using them . Some were hard work and I got a bit of a sweat on . We got to the rowing machines . They were lined up facing a big mirror . When I sat on one and started rowing I could see myself in the big wall mirror . I suddenly realised that I could see more of myself than I expected . What 's more , Jim was stood beside me so he would be able to see my pussy in the mirror as well . The next machine was one that Jim told me was for toning my thighs . When Jim showed me how it worked my initial reaction was that there was no way that I could use it . It spread my legs very wide . As Jim squeezed his thighs together I thought that I would be okay if I pushed a lot of my skirt between my legs before I started . When my legs got wide apart there would still be enough of my skirt between my legs to keep me decent . I got on and adjusted my skirt as Jim set - up the machine . He must have set it so that there was hardly any pressure as I pushed my legs apart . As my legs got wide apart I looked down at my skirt and saw that I was still decent . Jim was stood in front of me and I relaxed knowing that he couldn 't see my pussy . I looked down at my skirt and saw that all the material that I 'd pushed between my legs had come up and my skirt was tight across the front . Because my legs were wide apart at that moment , my pussy was on display . Jim was looking into my open hole . I flushed with embarrassment , felt my pussy get very wet , and my AF increased to about a 3 . " Okay , that 's enough of that . " Jim said , " Let 's do a bit of weightlifting . We 'll just do one exercise then I think that you will have had enough for one day . We 're going to do bench presses ; they 're best done with 2 people , the one doing the lifting , and the other standing close - by just in case the lifter gets into difficulty . That 's called ' spotting them . ' " As I moved into place I realised that Jim would be able to see straight up my skirt . My body was dulling my brain and I moved my feet further apart . There was a few seconds silence in which I was sure that Jim was having a real good , close - up view of my pussy . I got another wet rush and hoped that I didn 't drip onto Jim 's face . I lay down and shuffled up , under the bar . As I shuffled I felt my top come down a bit . I didn 't check to see if my nipples were still covered . I lifted my hands to the bar as Jim moved in to ' spot ' me . I looked up and saw up his shorts leg . He was wearing underwear . I managed to push that bar up twice . The second time Jim told me to hold it up . There was a long silence as I strained to hold it up Jim seemed to be miles away , and looking straight ahead , passed me . As soon as I opened the door to the sauna the heat hit me . I realised that I wasn 't going to last long in there . There was no one else in there so I decided that I 'd last longer if I didn 't have the towel wrapped round me . I took it off and spread it on the bench at one end . I got hotter and then hotter . My hand lost interest in my clit and I just sat there . I started to think that I had to get out , but that needed effort . " Children your age shouldn 't really go into a sauna without their parents being there , the heat creeps up on you and … . Well you know the rest . Stay there for a few minutes until you feel better . " I lay there for a while with the towel just covering my body . When I felt a bit better I looked around and saw a shower and decided that I needed a cold one . I slowly got up and walked over to it . That cold shower made me feel a lot better . I was just deciding that I could get my towel and go and get dressed when I heard voices ; foreign voices . I looked round the curtain and saw 4 Japanese men wearing only towels . They were stood talking right next to the sun lounger with my towel on . My brain told me to stay there until they 'd gone , but I pulled the curtain back and boldly walked towards them . Two of the men saw me straight away and said something to the others . They turned and saw me in all my naked glory . I fully intended to pick up my towel and wrap it round me , but instead I spread it on the sun lounger and lay on it . What 's more I kept my knees apart . Why the hell was I doing that ? As I got closer I decided that if I timed it right I could take the towel off and quickly slip into the jacuzzi while the man was looking the other way . I got to the place where I could hang my towel and looked at the couple . They were both staring at me . I fiddled with my hair a bit , but they kept looking at me . My heart pace increased and I decided that I had to go for it . I unfastened the towel with my back to them . My nervous let me down and I accidentally dropped the towel . Without even thinking I bent over to pick it up . As I stood up I realised that the couple must have had a great view of my butt and pussy . I relaxed in the bubbles knowing that I was covered . My eyes closed and my right hand found my pussy and clit . I looked forward to a long slow masturbation session . After a couple of minutes I heard someone stand up . I opened my eyes and saw the woman reaching over to a button on the wall . As the waves settled I looked down and realised that I could see my whole body , and what my hand was doing . If I could see , then the couple could . My fingers stopped and my hand went flat over my pubes . I pondered the decision for a while as my AF started to climb then all of a sudden I was standing up , right in front of them . Their faces were inches from my pussy . What the hell was I doing ? " Fuck that was horrible ; " I though as I wrapped my towel round me . So why was my pussy so wet ? I wish that I could understand my body 's needs . It was dark when I got there . I looked out of the window and saw into some of the rooms in the hotel over the road . I saw 1 naked man ( no erection ) and 2 women ( separate rooms ) in just their underwear . After he 'd filled my pussy , we lay there and talked about our days . We 'd both had good days . Ryan told me that we 'd go to the leisure centre together one evening and that he 'd fuck me in the jacuzzi . He also told me that I should go and have more workouts . I told Ryan that I 'd never seen anyone watching us at home ; but he was adamant that we 'd been watched a few times . I thumped him and told him that we needed to get some curtains soon . I also felt a wet rush in my pussy . When we got back to our room Ryan slowly stripped me and fucked me hard . As I lay on the bed , naked , he got his ties out and tied me , spread - eagled to the 4 corners . He stuffed my bikini bottoms into my mouth and used my bikini top to cover my eyes . I thought that he was just playing games and didn 't object ; I knew that he would never hurt me . Ryan got off the bed and went and opened the door . I heard Ryan telling the man to put it on the table . I froze and went bright red . I was so ashamed , yet so turned on . I felt like dying , but I wanted to cum . I slowly moved to the edge of the bed and asked Ryan to help me up . With a few ' aaarghs ' and ' ouches ' , I ( we ) managed to get me to my feet . The bottle started to slide out , but I managed to hold it in using my hand . I started to shuffle along and found that it wasn 't too bad . As soon as I tried to walk I stopped , it was too painful . Ryan picked me up and put me back on the bed . His hand went to my pussy and he started to explore my stretched pussy . He easily got 4 fingers inside me . He was going to try to get his whole fist inside , but I asked him to stop . It was hurting too much . I promised to let him try again in a few days . After our shower Ryan told me not to get dressed ; he told me to do what we 'd seen others do the previous morning ; go to breakfast wearing the hotel robe . I started to get my bikini out but Ryan stopped me telling me to wear just the robe . I wasn 't sure , but Ryan persuaded me . In the lift on the way down , a man got in and stood in front of us , facing the door . Just as we started going down again I felt Ryan pull my robe open . My whole front was exposed to the man 's back . I quickly re - tied it . In the lift on the way back to our room Ryan gave me a long kiss and managed to undo the robe without me knowing . As the doors opened he pulled the robe right off me . I screamed and ran down the corridor , naked , to our room . When I got there I remembered that my key was in the robe pocket , and Ryan had that . As I walked along the corridor I looked down at my bikini top . In the bright lights I could see the nipple bumps and make - out the change of colour for my areolas . I hoped that no one else noticed . When I got in the lift I had to stand in front of 4 men . Two of them were facing me as we went down , and both were looking at my bikini top . I felt my nipples get rock hard and my face blush . At the leisure centre I went straight to the workout room and was surprised to see 6 men and 1 woman there . Fortunately no one was on the exercise cycle so I went to it and adjusted the saddle height . I wanted to get myself worked - up , but I was going to stop before I had an orgasm ; I didn 't want to have one with all those people there . I got on and started peddling - slowly . I looked round ; everyone was doing their own thing . The woman was wearing a sports bra and tight lycra shorts . She had a bit of a camel toe . My legs started to speed up and I got hotter . Before I knew it I was getting close . I knew that I should stop , but I couldn 't . I just had to keep peddling . My face got redder and redder as I started to cum . I bit my lip to try to hold in the moans . I think that I managed okay because no one turned to look at me although the woman did give me a quick grin . I guessed that she had used the exercise cycle before . My peddling slowed down and eventually stopped . I got off the cycle and wiped the seat with the towel . My bikini bottoms fell out and I quickly picked them up . The others in the room were still doing their thing , the woman had moved onto the thighs toning machine . As her legs opened the tight lycra pressed into her pussy making the slight camel toe a big camel toe . I smiled to myself and left . I got out and headed for the jacuzzi ; I wanted to relax in those bubbles . There were a couple of young men in there already , but there was plenty of room . As I got close I saw one of the men staring at me . He said something to the other man and he too stared at me . I had to check that my bikini was still where it should be . I looked down and saw that the yellow bikini might well have been back in our room ; it was totally see - through . My hands moved to cover my bits as I quickly got into the bubbles and closed my eyes . I didn 't want to see the men looking at me . I waited for one of the men to move , but neither did . I had a dilemma ; did I just sit it out , or did I stand up and press the button , letting the men have a good look at my virtually naked body . My brain was telling me to sit it out , but I just stood up and reached for the button . Everything went well until I got close to the changing room entrance . All of a sudden the 2 men from the jacuzzi re - appeared right in front of me . There was nothing that I could do . I blushed and rushed passed them . In the safety of the ladies changing room I took my bikini off and went for a shower . As I dried myself I realised that the only dry clothing that I had was my skirt . I had no choice ; I wrapped my towel round me and went back to our room carrying my bikini and skirt in my hand . Back in our room I went into the bathroom to do what comes naturally . When I came out I got a shock . The first thing that I saw was that our room door was open . I turned towards the bed and saw this young woman making the bed . As soon as she saw me ( naked ) she said something in a language that I didn 't understand , and rushed out . I was still feeling horny when I was deciding what to do that afternoon . I knew that it was wrong and that I shouldn 't do it , but I went out wearing just my shoes , duffle coat and the remote vibrator . I 'd set it on low just before I left our room , putting the control back in the drawer . The first place that I went was a McDonalds . I remembered what Ryan did to me the last time that we were in McDonalds ; and for once I was grateful that Ryan wasn 't with me . It would have been horrible being exposed to all those people in there . As I climbed up the front of my coat fell open and I could see all of my legs , right up to my stomach . I quickly put my food down and made myself decent . On those stools there is no way that a girl can cross her legs so I had to sit there hoping that my coat wouldn 't fall open . I was facing the street so none of the other diners would be able to see my legs . I sat there eating and thinking about my morning and how I 'd let those men see me virtually naked . How could I have done that ? All of a sudden I remembered what that vibrating in my pussy was . Instead of ignoring it , I couldn 't stop thinking about it . By the time I 'd finished my food I was feeling quite worked up . Instead of holding my thighs together , they had drifted apart and my coat had fallen either side of my legs . As I looked down I could see my bald pubes and the top of my slit . I knew what was going to happen and I couldn 't stop it . I looked round ; no one in there was looking at me . I looked outside ; again no one was looking at me . I reached my peak and started to calm down . As I did so I looked around again . I was happy that no one was taking any notice of me . When I looked outside the young man had gone . Walking down the street I came across an underground station . On impulse I went in and saw that I was on the Circle line . I bought a ticket that would let me go all the way round and back to where I started . As I went down the escalator I felt that lovely warm draught up my coat onto my pussy . It felt nice . I was also pleased that the coat was long enough for me not to have to worry about people looking up it . A couple of stations down the line some more people got on . A middle - aged man came and sat opposite me so I crossed my legs . With the vibe purring away I felt uncomfortable , so I uncrossed them . The man opposite was reading a paper but he was holding it quite low ; I could see his eyes going from side to side as he read . I decided that I could ignore him and just put my hands on my lap . At the next station a lot more people got on . As one walked passed me he accidentally knocked my knee and my legs went wide open for a second . The man looked down at me and said that he was sorry , but I 'm sure that he would have had a good view of my bare legs . For the next 4 or 5 stations the vibe kept me simmering . A couple of times I suddenly noticed that my knees had drifted apart and I had to quickly pull them together . On the second time , I looked over to the man opposite and saw that he was pretending to read , but his eyes were looking straight at my legs . I didn 't want that man to see my pussy , so why was I opening my knees ? My coat was sliding down the sides on my legs . I looked up and saw another man looking down at me . I watched one train go passed then got on the next . It was crowded and I had to stand and hold onto one of the upright poles . A few stations along I realised that I 'd been holding the pole quite high up . As a result the bottom of my coat was gaping open . I looked down at the person sat in front of me . It was a girl about my age , and she was staring at me ; or should I say , my bare thighs . I wondered just how much she could see . I wasn 't that worried , after all , it wasn 't a man ; so I didn 't bring my arm down any lower . The crossed legs didn 't last long , at the next station a whole gang of young men got on and I moved to the end of the carriage to get out of their way . The problem was that they moved along the carriage as well . I was trapped in amongst then , standing at the end of the carriage . I got a bid scared , even more so when I felt one of them putting his arm round me . While laughing and joking with his mates , he slid his arm round to my front and into my coat . I nearly jumped a mile when his hand touched my bare stomach . As soon as the hand found my pussy I exploded . It was a good job that his arm was round me as my legs went all weak . I nearly screamed . All of a sudden it was over as quick as it started ; the train stopped at the next station and all the noisy young men got off . I was left there wondering what the hell had happened . I leaned back against the end door and slowly regained my composure . After that I sat down and waited for the train to get back to where I first got on it . Back in our room I squeezed the vibe out and had a short nap and I was in the shower when Ryan got back . He was later than the previous day but I wasn 't worried . As soon as I came out of the shower I saw that he had a little box with him . It was a present for me . When I opened it I saw that it was another remote controlled vibrator . I looked a bit confused and reminded Ryan that I already had one . " Not like this you haven 't . It has an amazing feature that you are going to love . It has a program called ' random ' . When you turn that on it will switch itself on and off at random times and random intensity . " I then told Ryan about my visit to the leisure centre and my trip on the underground . He told me that it just proves that I 'm an exhibitionist . Of course I disagreed with him ; he couldn 't possibly be right . One thing that Ryan had me do before we went to bed that night was to send me to get a bottle of water from the vending machine near the lifts . The thing was , he sent me without any clothes on . At first I refused , but as usual I gave in and said that I 'd do it . I opened the door and waited until everything was quiet , then I set off . It wasn 't far , but it may well have been a mile . My heart was pounding as I walked along . I made it to the vending machine , but as I picked up the bottle I heard the lift coming up . Was it going to stop at our floor , and if so , who would get out ? The next morning I woke up before Ryan . It was my turn to wake him up in a nice way . I slid down the bed and found his cock . He woke up to the feeling of me giving him a blowjob . Ryan wanted me to go for breakfast wearing just the hotel robe , so after a shower I sat on the bed waiting for him to get ready . When he came out of the bathroom he went and got the new remote vibe and held it up in front of me . I grinned and lay back on the bed for him to work it into my pussy . I thought that he wasn 't going to switch it on because he put the control in one of the drawers , but as we were walking down the corridor to the lift it suddenly burst into life . I froze and gasped . It only lasted a few seconds but it certainly surprised me . When Ryan left I decided that I 'd go to the leisure centre and have a lazy day . I planned to do just a bit of swimming then lay around until I got bored . I wrapped my bikini in a towel and left our room . I was in the lift when I got blasted again . I was stood behind an elderly Japanese couple and when I gasped they both turned and looked at me . I blushed . I took my robe off and put it in a locker then I unrolled my towel and got my bikini . I pretended to have trouble with a knot in the strings and watched the girls as they got undressed , I don 't normally watch other girls get undressed , but something about these 2 told me to watch them . As they took off their tops and skirts I saw that neither had underwear on . Both had breasts bigger than mine , at a guess I would say they were both a 32B . Both their pubes were bald and they both had some sort of clit jewellery . I was very nervous and excited as I went through that door . What I saw was 2 naked teenage girls playing games in the pool with a man that looked like their father . There were a few other swimmers that were ignoring the 3 naked girls . I dived in and swam a few lengths . I love the feeling of swimming naked , it feels so natural . When I went swimming as a kid I often used to think about swimming naked . The vibe had got me to a point where I wanted to take it further . As I didn 't have the control I decided to go into the jacuzzi and bring myself off under the bubbles . I swam to the end of the pool and climbed out . There was no one in the Jacuzzi as I pressed the button and climbed in . I lay back and started frigging . I was going to enjoy it . I closed my eyes and brought myself to a very nice orgasm . Just as I was about to cum the vibe zapped me again . It was only a short one , but it was long enough and strong enough to push me over the edge . The 2 girls were all over their father , sitting on his lap and rubbing their breasts on his arms . Another time one of them was straddling his lap with her breasts in his face ; she looked like she was fucking him , except that he was wearing swimming shorts . I wondered if he had a hard - on . The bubbles stopped and one of the girls got up to press the button . As she leaned over I could see every bit of her pussy . Her clit jewellery was a horizontal barbell stud that was in the hood . Her clit was peeking out too . Was she aroused as much as I was ? I stared at her jewellery as long as I could and decided that I wanted one . I decided to leave them to it , got out and walked towards the sauna . I wanted to try it again . As I walked alongside the pool I got zapped again . I stopped and squeezed my thighs together . Fortunately it was a quick one and I managed to continue without anyone noticing - I think . While I was there a middle - aged man came out of the sauna with a towel wrapped round him . I recognised him as the man that had rescued me the other day . I smiled at him then remembered that I was naked . I bent my knees to cover my pussy . " If you 're thinking about going in there don 't stay long . As soon as you start to feel funny come out . There might not be anyone there to rescue you the next time . " The man said . " Okay " I thought , and stood up and went into the sauna . The heat hit me , but this time I knew what to expect . There was no one in there so I lay flat on the bottom bench and let one leg drop to the floor . I 'd just got comfortable when the door opened and in came the 2 girls . I resisted the urge to sit up and cover my pussy . I needn 't have worried , the 2 girls climbed to the top bench and one sat at each end with one leg on the bench below ; their pussies were as spread as mine . I looked at both of them and saw that they both had similar barbell jewellery in their clit hoods . The door opened again . This time it was their father ; and he was naked too . What 's more his cock was pointing straight out in front of him ; he has a semi . He climbed up and sat between the 2 girls , which was directly above me . He joined in the conversation as I turned my head and looked at the 3 of them . The 2 girls were not at all embarrassed about letting their father see their open pussies , and he wasn 't at all embarrassed by his cock that was getting harder . I wondered if it was anything to do with him looking down at my pussy . I know that I was embarrassed , but I was so amazed by the 3 of them . I was just thinking about going out to cool off when I got zapped again . That time it was a long fast one and I realised that I was going to cum . And I did , shaking and moaning and arching my back a little as I did . As I reached my peak I opened my eyes and saw the 3 of them looking down at me . I was soooo embarrassed that I wanted to crawl into a corner and die . Needless to say that I didn 't die ; instead I got up and went out and into the shower . As I went through the shower door I heard the 2 girls giggle . I was sure that they knew that I 'd just cum . As I went back in the 2 girls giggled again and I saw that their father still had a hard - on . The 2 girls still had their legs wide open , but one of them had her hand on her pussy . Was she frigging ? I wondered . She was the one at my feet end so I could watch her . Yes , she was definitely rubbing her clit . Wow , I would never have dreamed of doing that in front of my father . A couple of minutes later I got zapped again and I jumped a bit . I so wanted to rub my clit . Another minute later I decided that if she could , then I could , and my right hand moved to my chest , squeezed my nipple then slid down to my pussy . There was silence as I cupped my pussy then tweaked my clit . My AF was still quite high from before and within seconds I was cumming again . I started shaking and arched my back a lot this time . It was another good one . All the sun loungers had their backs up so I was half sitting with my knees bent ; and wide open . I was looking down at my pussy and feeling pleased with myself when the 2 Germans came out of the sauna . The fathers cock was soft . The father went to the gents changing room and the 2 girls both went into the shower . I heard them giggling . When they came out I expected them to go and get changed , but instead they went and sat on sun loungers that faced me . As they sat down they both cupped their little breasts and pulled their nipples . What 's more they sat the same way that I was . With their knees up and spread wide . They could see my pussy and I could see both of theirs . My right hand moved down and touched my clit . I gasped a bit and moved my hand away . Both girls , at exactly the same time , moved their hands , one to a breast , and the other to their pussies . They both started frigging in total silence . Both of those girls went for it ; all 4 hands were busy and it didn 't take that long for them to cum . I saw the signs and speeded up my own fingers . I think that all 3 of us came within a minute . I was brought back to reality as I got zapped again . I jumped a bit and gasped . That broke the spell and the 2 girls got up and went into the changing room . Both girls were just starting to get dressed in denim miniskirts and tops . I dried myself and was just putting my robe on as they walked passed me to leave . We all smiled at each other . One of them said , The man put the tray down and turned to me . There was a long pause before he thanked me and walked to the door . I followed him as he turned for one last look before disappearing down the corridor . I got the tube and decided to be a good girl and keep my legs together . The vibe gave me a few ' moments ' , but nothing that I couldn 't handle . I even tried on a few skirts and dresses having to strip naked to do so , but I was a good girl and kept the curtains firmly closed . Back at the hotel Ryan told me to squeeze the vibe out while he put his swimming shorts on . I squatted down and squeezed . As the vibe hit the floor Ryan reached down and picked it up , put it in his mouth and sucked , then put it in the drawer . I reached for my robe but Ryan told me to leave it and put on my bikini ; but to wear the bottoms that I hadn 't even tried on yet . As I went and got the package I told him that I hoped that it wasn 't a thong with sides that he 'd undo as soon as he got the chance . He said that it had elastic sides so he couldn 't untie it . I felt a bit relieved , but that didn 't last . As I pulled it out of the package I held it up and said , We went out of that room and I immediately saw the 2 German girls again . This time they had little bikinis on . I was disappointed that they had clothes on , and they looked surprised that I 'd come out of the gents changing room . The bubbles stopped so I stood up , reached over and pressed the button . As I pressed it I realised that Ryan was right behind me . I kept my finger on the button and moved one leg sideways to that he got a good look at my pussy . As I turned to sit down Ryan pulled me onto his lap so that I was sideways to him with me facing the pool . He 'd pulled his shorts down so his hard cock pushing against my pussy . I kissed him and asked if he was going to fuck me now . He smiled and I opened my legs a bit so that his cock could slide inside me . The bubbles stopped but no one moved . The girls had confirmation that we were fucking , and I saw that the girls hadn 't got their bikini bottoms on either . I pushed down on Ryan 's cock and felt that familiar feeling . As I got out Ryan adjusted his shorts and followed . We walked along the side of the pool to where the sauna was . Just as we went through the door Ryan looked back and saw that the girls were following us . " Don 't I always ? " I said as we went in and closed the door . We were the only ones there , which was good , suspecting that Ryan was going to do something naughty . As I got down I thought that there was no way that he was going to get me to give him a blow job , not in front of those girls . But he did . He only had a semi to start with , but it wasn 't long before it was as hard as I 've ever felt it . As my head bobbed up and down I looked up at him . He was loving every second . I looked at the girls as well . Both were frigging themselves . Just before Ryan came , he held my head back and shot his load all over my face . I looked at the girls , their faces were totally emotionless . They just stared at us . I did as I was told . Ryan later told me that he 'd laid flat on the bottom bench and the girls had watched his cock slowly get hard again . They never stopped frigging . We stayed for another 5 minutes before going out as well . In those 5 minutes Ryan told me to make myself cum . I did , and it was a loud one . I must really have needed that one . We went straight into the gents changing room . There were 4 youngish men in there in various states of dress . I assumed that they 'd come from the workout room . Three of them looked at me then got on with changing . I rinsed off and we went over to our locker . As I dried myself and put on my virtually non - existent bikini , I watched the 2 girls . They made a big production of soaping and shampooing each other ; their hands concentrating on each other 's tits and pussies . Mr hard - on was joined by Mr hard - on 2 but neither girl acknowledged them . In the lift on the way up Ryan hugged and kissed me ; his hands wandering down to my butt . We were like that when 2 women got in on the third floor . We didn 't look at them and they said nothing . I got to the vending machine and my heart dropped . No water . I didn 't want to disappoint Ryan so I tried to think where I 'd seen another vending machine . I seemed to remember that there was one on each floor near the lifts . Did I go up or down ? I chose down . This happened again , and again . By the time that I got down to the first floor I was a little less nervous and a little annoyed . No water again . The floor below was where reception was . I knew that there was water in the vending machine there because I 'd seen it when we came out of the leisure centre . I gingerly went down that last flight of steps and opened the door . I could see the vending machine , but I could also see the receptionist ; a girl about my age . I could also hear men 's voices . They all turned and started cheering . My face went bright red and my left hand ( with my card key in it ) went to my nipples . That 's all I could cover with one hand while my right hand got the bottle of water . I made a dash for the lifts , figuring that I 'd get back to our room quicker in the lift . I just hoped that there would be a lift waiting . I was wrong , and in that time 5 of the young men came over to me . I started to relax a little and heard the ' ping ' of the lift arriving . It was empty and I quickly walked in . Just before the doors completely shut an arm came in and the doors opened again . " I just knew that you 'd enjoy it . " He said . And he was right , I had enjoyed it ; even though it had been scary and potentially dangerous ; I had enjoyed it . My body had as well , I was dripping . |
Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie didn 't wake once during the night . She couldn 't remember the last time she had slept so well . She relished the heat from Mitchel 's body and moved in closer to him . He wrapped his arm around her middle and pulled her up against him . He kissed her ear . Melanie groaned as Mitchel rolled away . She pulled the blanket up around her as he crossed the room toward the door . He stopped and then walked over to the side table . He pulled the drawer open and took out his gun . Melanie lowered her eyes . She couldn 't imagine how he felt . She was ninety - five percent sure he knew Seth was the Butcher , but she wasn 't going to ask him if he knew . She thought it was cruel to make him say it out loud . Mitchel had lost so much in the last six months . He had lost everything , everything but her . And now they had the baby to think about . Melanie drew the blanket back and slipped to the floor . The air conditioner was blowing cold air into the room causing Melanie 's flesh to prickle . As she reached him , he shook his head . He jumped a little , startled . He hadn 't seen her move over here , she realized . He pulled her into his arms . " As much as I can be right now . Let 's get our stuff and go out to meet the others . Seth is waiting and soon Sam and your mom will be too . " She slung her holster over her shoulders , slid her gun inside , and then laced her leather belt through the loops . Her pants were tight around her middle . The belt was on its last notch . She would be needing new clothing soon . He picked up her bag and his own and hung them from his broad shoulders . His gun was tucked tightly at the small of his back . He took her hand as he made his way toward the door . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . The knotty rock pressed into Melanie 's bones as she wrapped her arms around herself trying to warm the chill from her body . Sam bounced and twirled around the fire singing , " There 's a blue bird on my shoulder . " The leaves were showing the signs of autumn , Melanie 's favorite time of year . The few trees they saw in the straw tinged hills of southern Idaho were touched with the red and gold of the season . The air held the deep earthy scent of falling leaves and the tinge of winter as it approached . Thankfully , they would be settled in the safe zone well before the snow fell . Mitchel told her snow didn 't have a scent , but she disagreed . Melanie held the pizza to her nose , honey chicken . When had her mom had time to make it ? She smiled and shook her head . Her mouth filled with saliva . She took a bite and let it sit on her tongue . The sweetness of the honey coupled with the delicate creamy mozzarella . The cheese stretched as she pulled it away from her mouth . It had been months since she had pizza . It was the only book Sam had brought . They had read it a million times already . Sam took Seth by the hand and bounced all the way to the van . Jennifer set a bowl of food and another of water on the ground next to the van and whistled for Daisy . Nub wiggling , she ambled over and devoured it in a few seconds . She lapped up half the bowl of water and bounded barking over to the van . Melanie and Mitchel laid in the bed of the truck looking up at the stars and the moon . They were totally spent . The night breeze was cool across Melanie 's sweaty bare skin . The shiver that ran through her wasn 't from the cold . She rolled toward Michel resting her head on his chest . He pulled her close . She didn 't know where to begin . Should she just dump it on him or work her way up to it ? She ran her finger down his sternum and watched the pounding of his chest settle to a smooth rhythm . Mitchel looked at his watch and smiled . " It 's 12 : 04 , happy birthday my love . " He stroked her hair . It was nearly to her butt now . " I wish I had something more to give you . " She didn 't need any more than him by her side . It was what she wanted above all else . She nuzzled into him . She wondered if now was the right time to tell him . Their whole world would change once again , but she didn 't want to have secrets from him . They had never had secrets from one another . Even the terrible things from Mitchel 's childhood had been shared . She had cried when he told her about everything his father had done to terrorize them the beatings , burnings , and when he put a knife through Seth 's arm . The tone of her voice made him lift his head to see her better , she dipped her head and continued to trace the muscles of his chest . He pulled her closer . " What is it ? " This was harder than she anticipated . This is not what she had imagined it would be like , but the world had taken a horrible turn and was nothing like she had imagined too . Her voice , usually strong and confident , dwindle to a whisper . He was quiet . What was he thinking ? I shouldn 't have told him , but he would have noticed eventually . I should have waited to tell him . She could hear her heart in her head . She clenched her eyes against tears and took a deep steady breath . And then another . What were they going to do ? What if the baby came while they were still out there ? She pressed her teeth together . This world was toxic to a child . No , they would make it to the safe zone . Things would be fine . Her breath left her . Her eyes sprang open . Seth . Oh god , he could never know . Cold ran threw her and she began to tremble . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . How long had it been , Melanie thought . She had been so preoccupied with figuring out who the butcher was that she had scarcely thought of herself . Now that she and Ryan had figured it out , it was another life filling her thoughts . Was it in Denver that she last had her period ? She rolls the memories around in her head . No , it was in Blue River . It had been two and a half months . The yellow hills nearly empty of green surrounded them as she and Mitchel sat on the tailgate of his truck . She took bite of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich . She yawned and Mitchel rubbed her back . She thought the tiredness was from staying up late around the fire with Ryan , but it had begun before that . Maybe , it was the stress they were all under . It wasn 't as if life had been easy these past few months . She took another bite of her sandwich . How long had it been since she and Mitchel had been together ? Their frolic in the river . That was just two weeks ago . It must have happened before then . She loved Mitchel . She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him . And now that she knew for certain it was not him who cut up her best friend and her family , she loved him even more . She nodded . " I slept better last night too . " That was true , since she didn 't get up to talk with Ryan . Ryan was miles and miles behind them now . Two days had quelled her anger with him . She didn 't count on him choosing his father over so many other lives . She had judged him wrong . In the past he had probably been the knight of justice slaying the evil doers of the land to protect those who couldn 't protect themselves , but the meaning of the word Justice was corrupted . Ryan gave them a small tent to sleep in and some warm sleeping bags . The van was too packed with their belongings for all of them to sleep in there . Melanie had seen to it that only her mom and Sam would fit forcing Seth to sleep in his car or in Mitchel 's truck . Melanie was hoping the door of the truck or car closing would let them know Seth was up . She hadn 't decided whether or not she should tell Mitchel , at least about Seth . She knew she had to tell him about the baby . She just didn 't want to do that anywhere near anyone else . She wanted it to be their secret . She wanted to have something for only them . Melanie pulled the sliding door open on the opposite side of the van just as her mother closed up her side . Melanie couldn 't watch without images of chopped up friends . Her whole body clenched with each thwak of the blade into the wood . Some morbid part of her demanded she look at him . It wanted to know if he enjoyed the swinging of the steel . She pulled out the camp chairs and then began riffling through the duffle bags full of clothing to find sleeping bags . She shook her head , how did they manage to get buried under everything . She jumped as Mitchel grabbed her from behind . He brushed her hair aside and kissed her on the back of her neck . She relaxed in his arms . " I miss you , " he whispered . " Don 't tease me now , it 's just not nice . " He swiped and darted for her as she twisted out of his reach , but he caught ahold of her anyway . He knew all her tricks . She pulled just a little as he reeled her in kissing her much deeper than before . Mitchel and Melanie turned . He was standing at the rear of the van , a foxes grin on his face . Melanie tensed and wondered how long he had been there . Mitchel ran his hands up and down her arms . Melanie spun around . Her mom was standing behind her . " I made your favorite , well , warmed it up anyway . Pizza is really hard to cook over a fire . " Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders and nudged a log in the fire . Tendrils of smoke wove among the slender trunks of the aspens . The trees looked bare , but for the stars the blotted out . Their leaves rustled . Melanie could understand why Ryan and Zachariah stayed here , It was beautiful . It was far enough from the city that they didn 't get caught up in the warzone , but close enough for Ryan to continue his work . Melanie could hardly remember the time before the war . It was hidden by all the death and destruction that has come after . She was two when " The war to end all wars , " started . That 's what they wanted it to be anyway , but things don 't always turn out as we plan . It didn 't get bad in the US until a few years later after . The economy had been in shambles before the war and the war did the same to what remained as it did to the human lives involved . Melanie glanced around for a stick . It was these little gestures and small kindnesses that made this new world survivable . Her fingers gently tugged two soft marshmallows free from the plastic bag . She shoved one in her mouth and the other on the stick . He leans his head all the way back looking up at the dark sky . " Sometimes it 's hard to tell which star is brighter than the others . Sometimes you have to watch them for a long time waiting for one to twinkle just a little more than the other . " The door to the cabin creaked . Ryan and Melanie turned . Daisy stood wiggling her tail back and forth and sauntered over to Mitchel . He smiled and bent to let her lick his fingers . " I rolled over and you were gone . I waited awhile , but when you didn 't come back I decided I 'd look for you . " He waivered in the crouch and then just sat cross - legged on the ground . Daisy curled her huge form around his back and sank to the ground . He patted her butt and her little nub wagged . Melanie moved to sit next to Mitchel in the dirt . She slid belt and holster off her hips and lowered herself to the ground setting the gun in her lap . Mitchel wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and tugged her closer to him . He had stopped wearing his gun since they had been staying with Zachariah . He , Jennifer , and Zachariah were the only ones who walked around without one . " Thinks we 're just as safe here as anywhere and he likes the hunting , doesn 't think he will be able to do that in the safe zone . " Mitchel pulled the marshmallow from the end of the stick stringing melted marshmallow across his knee . " Sam will want to take the rest of those with us . " He rolled the top of the bag and set it on the chair . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . The van began over heating in the afternoon the day they left Denver . They had to pull over half a hundred times and wait for an hour for it to cool down enough for them to continue toward the safe zone . Melanie stood up from a park bench and walked into the shade . Rivulets of sweat ran down her back . They were sitting in a park in Price , Utah , a small town with few people on the streets and many boarded up windows . At least no one was patrolling the street with semi - automatic firearms . She was throwing a dirty tennis ball for Daisy on the grass next to the playground . They had tried a Frisbee , but Daisy was much better with the ball . " Go Daisy , go , " called Sam as the huge Rottweiler lumbered after the ball . Sam stretched out her arms and spun in a circle , faster and faster , until Daisy was barking at her . She tumbled to the ground and laughing . Daisy bounded over to her and began licking her face . " I 'll stay with you , " said Seth . " I didn 't sleep well and should take a nap while we 're waiting . " Seth kicked off his shoes next to the blanket laid out under a big maple tree . Mitchel slipped his hand into Melanie 's and they turned to go to the truck . Melanie touched Seth 's arm and mouthed , " Thanks . " He just nodded his head . She and Mitchel climbed into his truck and backed out of the parking lot and onto the road . There was an Arby 's on the other end of town . Melanie had seen it when they came through . Melanie slid out of the truck and pushed the door closed with her shoulder . Shifting both bags of food to one hand , she laid her hand on the hood of the van . It was cool . Good they could leave after they ate . On their way out of town , they filled up both gas tanks . It was a ways before they would reach another city and being stranded in the middle of the mountains was not anyone 's idea of a good time . Melanie shuddered at the thought of having to hitchhike . Who would pick them up with shotguns strapped across their backs anyways ? " Wait , I 'm going with you . " Melanie reached under her seat , wrapped her hand around her nine , and pulled the black handgun out . She slid it into the holster and opened her door . " Good evening , ladies , " said a man from behind the counter . His body engulfed the stool he was sitting on . He looked like a baseball on a golf tee in his white polo shirt stretched to capacity . Melanie quickened her pace opening the door before her mom with her gun drawn at her side . She flipped the light on . It was a one seater . She held the door for her mom and sister . Melanie filled two of their largest cups with coffee and cream . She stuffed a handful of sugar packets and two red straws into her jacket pocket . Leaving the coffee on the counter , she went to the refrigerated section and pulled out chocolate milk and some fancy tea . She set them next to the coffee and waited at the end of the hall until her mom and Sam came out . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie stood at the edge of the ten by ten foot hole watching as the granules of dirt cascaded toward the bodies twisted and laced together in the dirt . There were seven , including Holly and her parents . The image of them would be forever burned into Melanie 's memory . She stretched out her hand over the gaping hole and the red and white roses fell from her grasp . The priest said some words that Melanie did not process beyond the murmur of his deep voice . A torch tumbled from the hands of a bent woman clad in black standing next to the priest . Melanie 's eyes followed the trail smoke and flame for a second before she wrenched her eyes away . She couldn 't watch them burn . Seeing them in the trailer mutilated was an image she could never forget . She didn 't want another one to disfigure her memories of her beautiful Holly with her fiery hair and emerald eyes . " There 's no time and no money to bury them properly , " the wrinkled old man at the mortuary had told Melanie and her mother as he pushed wire rimmed glasses up the bridge of his hooked nose . He brushed off the sleeve of his blue pin striped suit , " at least not for that amount . " He peered at them over his glasses . Mitchel had to drag Melanie from the room after she had tried to shove the beady eyed man into an ornately carved chestnut casket . She heard Holly 's laugh inside her head and tears welled up blurring her vision . She wiped them away with the back of her hand . Her breath caught in her throat as she fought the sobs that threatened to break forth . She knew the sound of Holly 's laughter would fade away , just as her father 's laughter had , and losing that was as painful as losing the person . She pulled her hood up over her head as a late summer rain began to fall . She wanted to crawl into the hoodie and disappear . She wanted to scream . She wanted to sleep until all this was over . She wanted to punch someone in the face . Mitchel slid his damp fingers into her own and squeezed them tight . Part of her wanted to push him away before the world could take him from her . The other part wanted to hold him so tight he would probably suffocate . She wiped the mud from her shoes before she climbed into the back seat of the black hummer . Mitchel climbed in behind her . Melanie woke up screaming in the middle of the night . Mitchel wrapped her in his arms and two seconds later Jennifer burst through the door flipped on the lights and clutched at her stomach . Daisy was on her heels and Seth was right behind her shotgun in hand . " I don 't understand why it 's so hard to forget . I 've seen … I 've seen dead bodies before . The black bag , the river , and the woman at Father Chris 's feet … " She closed her eyes and took a deep breath letting it out slow and controlled . He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back a little to look into her eyes . " Holly was your best friend , Melanie . It 's different . " She could see the concern on his face . She looked down at the rumpled blankets and picked at the fuzz . " I know . " She knew why it was different , but she didn 't want it to be . She wanted to forget . Karalynn stepped into the room , placed the dark blue pills in Melanie 's hand and set a glass of water on the nightstand . She swallowed the pills with a sip of water . Karalynn turned out the light as she left . Daisy sprang up onto the bed and licked Melanie 's foot . Melanie reached for her and rubbed her head and ears . It was another ten days before Homeland Security allowed them to leave Denver . Melanie wanted desperately to get out of Denver , but a part of her ached at the thought of leaving Holly behind . She watched the city grow smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror disappearing behind the cloud of dirt and ash that had blown in from a forest fire . She twisted a silver bracelet around and around on her wrist . Melanie had found it in her suitcase . Holly thought it had been left in Blue River . She had been so disappointed since it was a gift from her mom on her sixteenth birthday . Melanie didn 't know how it had ended up in her stuff . She didn 't care . She was just glad she had some piece of Holly . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Melanie laid awake staring at the white ceiling of her bedroom thinking of the piles of bodies in the mass graves Dr . Alyson Binkard had told her about . She fought sleep . Every time she closed her eyes , she could see Holly 's ashen face and empty , sunken green eyes looking up at her from the pile . The bright red line across her throat . Her flame red hair matted and crusted with dried blood . Melanie 's stomach seized , but there was nothing in it . She was trembling , she realized . Mitchel pulled her closer to him and mumbled something in his sleep . She couldn 't be alone in her room , not tonight , maybe not ever . It had been two days since Holly 's death . Mitchel had snuck into her room after the house was quiet and dark . Sam was in with her mother and Daisy was curled up at the end of Melanie 's bed . She didn 't know if Daisy would do anything to someone breaking into the house to slit throats and disembowel Seth and Mitchel . She hadn 't even barked when Holly had been killed . That was why Homeland Security had made them all suspects , that and the fact that the security guards hadn 't been alerted . Melanie couldn 't believe that it was one of her family or her mother 's best friend 's , which only left the security guards , Josh , Braxton , and Erik . But why would they do it . They weren 't scrubs and from the questions she got , she knew they thought whoever did this had removed the SAFE chip from their wrist . The butcher , that 's what the media was calling him , only mutilated male victims . Homeland security believed the killer was a male . They thought Holly and her mother were just killed to prevent them from talking and that Richard had been the target . They had taken Melanie and everyone else down to the station , shoved them into separate rooms and interviewed them for hours . Her mom and Sam had been the first to be cleared and released since Jennifer had recently been in the hospital and was in no physical condition to murder people and Sam was just a child . Karalynn , Galen , and their two boys had been released next . They had questioned Seth , Mitchel and her until midnight . She had cried and yelled at the officers . How could they think she had done that to Holly . Holly was like a sister to her . And then they had accused her of breaking her sister 's arm on purpose and said it was understandable how she could get angry at her sisters . She shuddered . It made her feel dirty . It was then that she figured out the game they were playing . They refused to give her food or coffee , but had brought her water . The whole time , her head was aching horribly from the crying and lack of caffeine . They had made her wait a long time to use the bathroom . The three security guards were still down at the police station being questioned . The security agency had sent over half a dozen new guards . Homeland security had officers guarding the fifth - wheel trailer as well . They didn 't want it moved before they completed every test they had available on it . Jennifer had waited up for them . Melanie had been surprised she was still awake when they were dropped off . She had dished up dinner for them , but Melanie wasn 't hungry . Once they were settled in and had the option of eating , Jennifer had said goodnight . Melanie checked on her before going to bed herself , Jennifer fell asleep quickly with her pain medication . Melanie was empty of every emotion . She felt hollow even while she was tucked safely against Mitchel . His breathing was deep and even . If she listened to it , it would lull her to sleep she knew , but then she would jerk awake and wake him up too . She would sleep eventually , but not now . Not with Holly 's face imprinted on the inside of her eyelids . She tried not to hate them , the men in the grey suits , Homeland Security . They were doing their best to figure out who had done this to Holly and her parents . Melanie wanted to know who the killer was too . She wanted him to suffer . He would be one of her justice kills if she could get ahold of him before the grey suits did . Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . Mitchel looked back at her . She could see the question in his eyes , and the fear . There were only a few reasons Richard and Pauline wouldn 't answer the door . She closed her eyes and took a deep breath . They could have left in the night . No then , Erik would have known . They could be asleep or they could be , no not with the security . Erik laid a black gloved hand on Mitchel 's shoulder and she and Mitchel stepped back from the door . This couldn 't be happening . Everything was fine . Holly was fine . There was security . Melanie couldn 't breath . Her throat had become a little red coffee straw . The world narrowed and blurred . " She 's all right . " Mitchel said pulling her into his arms . She took a slow deep breath and nodded her head . " I 'm okay . Everything is fine . " The words echoed in her head . I 'm okay . Everything is fine . Both men nodded and drew their guns . One of them , Josh , stepped over to the door . He placed his black gloved hand on the doorknob and waited for the signal from Erik . She crumbled to the ground . Mitchel turned to catch her , but it was too late . The world swam in front of her . Mitchel was trying to get her into the house . He was talking but he sounded so far away . He grabbed her face with his hands . They were cool against her skin . Melanie turned her head toward Erik who was standing blocking the front door . Braxton had gone into the kitchen . Melanie could hear his muffled voice through the wall . He was on the phone . Josh stood in the doorway to the kitchen . " Yes Erik , What happened ? " Melanie asked . " Why didn 't you guys stop that from happening ? " Melanie took three stumbling steps toward him . Mitchel stood and stepped in front of her . She tried to push him aside , but he didn 't budge . She tried to step around him , but he placed his other hand on her other hip . There hadn 't been any screaming said the man in the grey three piece suit . Their throats had been slit starting with Richard and Pauline who were nearest the door . Holly had died last . She had choked on her own blood . The butcher then opened up Richard from Adam 's apple to groin hauling out his innards . Melanie pushed Jennifer down the hallway in a wheel chair . Dr . Wester had cleared her to go home . Her movement was still limited . She had bandages , which needed changing daily along with a few medications she had to take to prevent infection and for pain . Sam bounced along the hallway in front of them singing and spinning like a ballerina . She had arrived with Mitchel and street clothes for Jennifer . As soon as Melanie had gotten the verbal release from the doctor , she began packing the few things Jennifer had at the hospital . " Are we in a rush ? " Jennifer had asked . " Mom there is a lot of bad stuff going on in Denver . It 's not safe to stay here any longer than we have to . I didn 't want to say anything before because there was nothing we could do until the doctor gave the okay to leave . " Jennifer pressed her lips together and nodded . They stopped inside the sliding glass doors . " Let me get the van , " Mitchel said and jogged out the door . " No Sam . You can 't climb on mom , " Melanie said . The van pulled up next to the curb , and Melanie pushed her mom out into the warm summer breeze . Mitchel gave Jennifer his arm and shoulder to lean on as she got to her feet . It took her a moment to stabilize her footing . Melanie stood protectively around her mother as she took the few steps to get into the sliding door of the van . " Sit with me mommy , " Sam had called from the other middle seat . " I will sweetie , " Jennifer said through gritted teeth . Seeing how much pain her mom was in even with this little bit of movement made Melanie glad they had waited until now to leave rather than rushing things last week . Melanie folded the wheelchair and put it into the back of the van . " Sam will you buckle mom and yourself ? " Sam giggled . " Yes . " Melanie slid the side door shut and climbed into the passenger seat . Mitchel smiled at her , turned the key , and laid his hand on hers . As they pulled into the driveway , two men in black stepped off the porch . Each held a semi - automatic machine gun . Once the all clear signal was given , everyone else dashed out the front door to welcome Jennifer home . Seth and Holly held Daisy back from jumping up on Jennifer in greeting . Daisy barked and wagged her tail trying to get away from them . " Stay down Daisy , " Melanie said . Sam bounced over to Daisy and looked into her golden brown eyes . " Daisy mom is hurt . You can 't jump or climb on her . " Richard and Mitchel made a makeshift chair with their arms linked together and carried Jennifer into the house . Karalynn had set up a bed in family room on the main floor . Karalynn turned on the light . The boards in the windows blocked all the sunlight . Melanie had asked her to keep the boards in the windows while her mom used the room . She wasn 't going to take any more chances on someone shooting her mom . " Please not on the bed , I 'm sick of beds . Can 't I sit in a chair ? " Jennifer said . They set her on the recliner next to the bed . Melanie led Daisy over to Jennifer so she would calm down . Jennifer stroked the silky black fur of Daisy 's head and rubbed her velvety ear , that done , Daisy went out back to romp in the yard with the kids . Now that Karalynn was fussing over her mom , Melanie took Mitchel by the hand and tugged him down the hall with her . He turned and smiled at her as she shoved him into her and Sam 's bedroom . He took her in his arms . She breathed in the smell of him and listened to his heart beating in his chest . " I 've missed you so much . I 'm sorry you had to - , " He took her chin in his fingers and lifted her face to meet his eyes . " Shhh . " And he kissed her . His lips were warm and soft against hers . His hands caressed her back and shoulders . She wove her fingers through his hair . He brushed his thumb across her cheek . I could stay right herShe laid back down . She was so tired . She rested her hand on his chest . The rhythm of his heart and breath lulled her to sleep . A Vigil for Justice : Episode Thirty - five 27 Mar 2015 Leave a comment Recap : Sixteen - year - old Melanie Craig and her family live in the small Colorado mountain town of Blue River . Since the end of World War Three , the economy in the United States has dropped out making funding law enforcement impossible and increasing crime rates in all , but the smallest towns . The government passes a Law allowing anyone over 16 to kill three other people during their life . Vigilante justice doesn 't seem like the right solution to Melanie , but she has no choice other than to learn how to protect herself and her family . " Planning to leave soon ? " Melanie looked up from the book she was reading . A cool breeze fluttered through the open window at her back . Blue birds twittered in the tree outside the window . She hadn 't wanted anyone to know that she was considering checking her mother out against medical advice , but she might have known that Alyson would find out . " Dr . Wester told me you were asking if your mother could be moved yet . " Alyson strode into the small hospital room . Dark shadows clung to the flesh around her eyes . Alyson nodded . " Come walk with me for a moment . Let your mother sleep and heal . " Alyson turned her back to Melanie and stepped into the hallway . Melanie followed a few steps behind Alyson . They stopped in front of the elevator . Alyson pressed the button to go up . They road up two floors in silence . When the door opened , Alyson held the door for Melanie . Melanie let out an irritated sigh and stepped off the elevator . She continued to follow Alyson down the hall . Alyson stopped in front of a room . Knocked lightly and then entered . Melanie followed her in . A young woman lay in a bed with a ventilator tube taped to her mouth . Machines beeped and breathed for the woman . She had long dark hair spread around her . A romance novel sat on the table next to her . A thin white scar ran down the right side of her face from the corner of her eye to her jaw . Melanie thought she couldn 't be much older than herself . " This is Kimber . She 's been here for a year in a coma . She knows nothing of the Justice Law . She was out partying with some friends one night . She was beaten and raped repeatedly before being left for dead . " " They use to , until the Justice Law was passed . Now I sit at her bedside reading to her , holding her hand , and brushing out her hair each day . I spoke to them about letting her go and taking her off the life support , but they said no . She is unlikely to wake up and if she does , she will awaken to memories of being beaten and raped , brain damage , and a totally new and deadly world . " Alyson brushed the girl 's cheek with the back of her fingers . " Would you want to awaken to all that Ms . Craig ? Would you want your mother or sister too ? " " I sat with the family for hours while they told stories about how Kimber loved to dance and run . She had a boyfriend who loved her dearly and they were going to marry after high school . She was a smart girl and would have graduated early . In a way , I feel like I know her . " She looked up at Melanie then . " You may disagree with what I have done Melanie , but you have made the same decision after only moments of having considered the two options . You are not so different from me . " Melanie heard voices in her mother 's room . She didn 't remember getting on the elevator or walking down the hall , but she must have done so since she was here . She peered through the slats of blinds hanging in the hallway window to her mother 's room . Sam sat next to Jennifer coloring in a book laid out on the table . Jennifer reached up to stop the crayons from rolling over the edge . Sam 's sweet voice reached Melanie through the glass . " See mom , I 'm much better about staying in the lines . " " Yes , I see that . " Her mother brushed stray strands of light brown hair laced with the light of the sun from Sam 's face . " Your hair is getting so long . " " Mitchel helps me brush it and braid it every day before bed . He said his mother did her 's that way and his sister . Did you know Mitchel had a sister who is an angel now ? " He was there too , Mitchel , sitting in the recliner in the corner . His head was laid back and his eyes were closed . She knew he wasn 't sleeping well with her here at the hospital all the time and all her responsibilities , caring for Sam , had fallen to him . Melanie put her finger to her lips . " Shhh . " But it was too late . Mitchel was awake . He got to his feet and before he could say hello she was in his arms . Safe . Whole . |
1 : Jess , we wanted to give you something for your graduation that you could keep close to your heart . This album is called Memories and Surprises . . . . many of the things in here you will remember , and some you will not because you may have been too young . . . . you 'll have to see the surprises for yourself . So we put together some of the cherished memories we share . We 've had a lot of good times ; some silly times , and tears at times too , and as you go off to college , you 'll be making new friends along with new memories . We truly hope that we will be among some of those new memories . We love you with all of our hearts . Grandma and Grandpa 2 : Tammie was born prematurely and her life ended far too soon ; even so , we look forward to seeing her again by resurrection sometime in the near future . When you were with us on a Thursday or Friday , you 'd come with me to take care of her . Do you remember how she loved it when I sang the name game to her . . . . ? I would sing my name , your name , your mom and dad 's names and she laughed at those , but . . . . she would laugh even more when I sang her name . Still , I think she was laughing AT me and probably thought I was pretty silly too . I guess that I do get a little silly at times - - - - ya think ? - - - - Nnaaaa | Sorry the 2 pictures are so blurry , but grandpa had a camera that nobody knew how to use . . . so every picture we took with that camera came out blurry . That is the only picture we have of grandpa holding Tammie . | Tammie Rene ' Whitcomb November , 1989 - April , 1998 | Your grandma Whitcomb is holding you in one picture , and Aunt Kathy is holding Tammie in another . 3 : Then you came along . You didn 't get a chance to spend too much time with her , mostly when you came with me on a Thursday or a Friday when I took care of her . You did like playing with her . Oh , I remember how you and I would talk excitedly about her life in the new world . . . how she would run and jump and play just like all the other kids . and how she will talk incessantly about all the things she wanted to say but wasn 't able to because of her limitations . . . . now we talk about her resurrection in the new world . . . do you realize at that time she won 't be your big sister anymore , she 'll be your little sister then . Tammie will still be eight years old when she is resurrected . | Tammie was in Lutheran hospital a couple of times , and I would go in sometimes 3 times a day while she was there . I 'd pick her up ; lay her stomach on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat . I sat in the rocker and just talk softly to her . One day I came in and the therapist was with her . I called Tammie 's name and she struggled with all her might to turn her head to see me . The therapist was shocked to see her react to someone like that . So after that , whether she was awake or asleep , I 'd always picked Tammie up and rock her . She looked comfortable and contented when I held her against me and talked softly . She was so tiny . 4 : This is Jason and JR . Both of them are grandpa 's boys . They were about this age when you were born . They sure liked it when you came and stayed with us . It didn 't matter to them that you were an infant , and you didn 't know how to play very much . They liked to entertain you anyway and that was a big help to me at dinner time . You were with us quite a bit after you were born . When you got to be a toddler then you could play some and they loved it . They were a big part of your life for 6 or 7 years . Let 's not leave out grandpa either . He loved playing with you and he was very good at that . All of us did a lot of baby talking to you , even grandpa . You 've always been so happy , and people just love you | Jason Allen Merrill 1976 - 2010 | Jason didn 't like his picture taken , so this is one of the few that we have . These are his children , your cousins . The younger children are his daughters in 2006 . The single ones are in 2010 . We went to Phoenix when Jason died . 5 : Here 's JR today with his wife Terri . They had a baby girl a couple of years ago and named her Hailey . I sure like that name . You 'd like Terri , she 's really sweet . JR is as good hearted as he ever was . Hailey was born in 2007 . Here she is today in 2010 . This was the same trip we made on the previous page . | When JR and Terri got married , JR made arrangements for his dad and me to attend the wedding . He paid for everything . He isn 't rich by any means , but he and Terri are doing OK . It must have been a nightmare planning all the details since both Terri and JR have 2 sets of parents each . They planned very well so that they included everyone . I thought that he and Terri did well in not leaving any one out . | Left , is JR when we went camping . Right is JR and Terri in 2006 it was in 2002 when we went to see them and Jason . Alisha , the oldest of Jason 's girls was only 2 . 6 : Ever since you could walk , whenever I headed toward the kitchen , I would hear the pitter patter of your little feet right behind me . Sometimes I tried to keep you away , but when you came running to me insisting that you should sit on the shelf to " help " me , I could not say no to that sweet little face and those pleading eyes . So , when you were with us , I never cooked alone . Your favorites were meat loaf , popcorn , pancakes , and your very favorite as you would say was " Egg Foo Yum . " Do you remember what your exclusive job was ? It was to pick up the cover on the pancake plate when more were ready , and cover them back up when I put the new ones on the plate and you did that for the Egg Foo Yum too . You were so happy " helping " me , and while we were cooking , we would just talk and talk . Then as you got a little older , you were able to help me cook more . Even though I could have done dishes faster , when you wanted to help with them too , I let you . What a mess you made . The thing you liked to do was rinse them . You 'd rinse them a long time and sometimes stick them back into the dishwater just to rinse them again . You thought that was great fun . I treasure those times . | Something else that became a habit was you waking up early , and climbing into bed with us . You 'd climb up on top , and snuggle down between us and go back to sleep . Every morning we just listened with anticipation as we waited to hear your little footsteps pitter patter quickly down the hallway that leads to our room . . . . Honestly girl , one thing I don 't understand , where did you ever learn to fall out of bed ? | Look at you . . . . You 're having a bad hair day . Literally you are . . . . just look at that doo | Oh yea , one time we thought we 'd make something different , so we looked at the cook book and decided to make curried celery because we had a lot of it . When we served it , no one would eat it because frankly , it was disgusting . You though , you loved it . The rest of us kept looking at each other and laughing because we couldn 't believe that you actually liked 7 : Here 's baby Jessica after a bath . This was another thing that you just loved a bath . ( This was a picture taken at mom 's ) ; but after a bath at our house I 'd dress you for bed . You 'd be so relaxed while I rocked you . Believe me ; you were so ready for bed after a bath that many times you would fall asleep either in my arms , or grandpa 's we both wanted to rock you . When you got a little older , I 'd get the water ready for you 're bath , you 'd get into tub where you would remain for an hour or longer . That water was stone cold and you were wrinkled way beyond prune when you finally were ready to get out . 8 : 1991 . . . the dirt pile in our back yard . Now , this you really loved . We just kept going up and down and up and down . Then you 'd sit on top and play for a while . Just look at you , hamming it up for the camera . Hey , we told you that if you didn 't behave yourself , we 'd drop you off at the babysitters . We never had to take you there , because you were always such a good child . You also had two dolls here , Bobby and Sally . Before you went back home , we would always make your bed , and sit Bobby and Sally on the pillow . They just waited and waited until you came back to play with them again . You know we still have them today . 9 : Jr was the one who played with you the most . Jason did too , but not as often . He was in High School and was busy studying a lot . He did love studying for school , and about Jehovah . . . he spent a lot of time doing that and he was very good at it too . JR really liked playing with you . Look at the 2 of you , just building snowmen , sliding , playing , and whispering . . . . what , I don 't know . You were comfortable with both the boys . 11 : Do you remember getting these things that I mailed you ? I made them on the computer and sent them . I used to make you cards , silly pictures , and calendars . We missed you when you weren 't here , and now you are working toward your independence , but I have the feeling we will see you once in a while . Keep the phone calls coming ; we do enjoy them so much . 12 : You 're so cute with grandpa and Carrots the cow that you took everywhere you went . You always loved to sit in the chairs with us and cuddle . Right here though it looks to me like you are getting too big to fit in the chair with us anymore . Do you remember how we laughed when grandpa or I tried to stuff you into a chair with us ? I guess we did get silly at times . . . you are hamming it up again . You were sitting on the floor in our bedroom in Lochbuie . . . once you saw the camera . . . . there you were too . 13 : Here you are , hamming it up for the camera . . . we think that is just one of your charming traits . . . | Here you are at different ages in your life . I thank your mom for sending us your school picture each year . . . . each year was going by faster than the one before , and you were approaching the teen years . I 'm so thankful that your mom did send me one every year , because there were a few years we couldn 't see you . I know you remember that because you were happy to see me when I went into the back hall at Ann 's while you were putting on your shoes , and you said you were hoping that I would come out there . You told me how much you missed us . Oooohh . . . . tell grandpa to put his tongue back in his mouth . | We are happy that we had you to spoil , and give you back to mom and dad . That 's what 's so much fun about being a grandparent ; spoil and give back . . . another memory I 'll bet comes to your mind now and then . . . . When grandpa worked the night shift and slept during the day , we would have to play the " Whispering Game " Remember whispering while playing Yahtze or Sorry . . . you sure did gloat when you were winning . . . even when we were whispering . . . and you were so vicious when you were winning . You said you were sorry , but I knew you really weren 't . Both grandpa and I would not trade one second of our time with you for anything in this world | I just remembered another story for you . You used to come to the Kingdom Hall in Hudson with grandpa and me while you were with us . You loved going to the Kingdom Hall . You would go to everyone , shake hands and say hello to familiar faces . I remember one Sunday ; a brother gave a talk on Ephesians 6 : 1 which is about being obedient to your parents . When the meeting was over you said to me ; " He 's right I need to work on that with my mom and dad " . I was so shocked to hear you say those words that I just had to bring you to that brother so you could tell him what you just learned . He was so impressed that a 5 or 6 year old child was paying attention ; meditated on what you heard , and knew that you 14 : A resident there where GG lived would play the piano near lunchtime . When you heard the music , you would run to the living room and start to dance . As the residents headed toward the dining room , they 'd sit down in the living room and watch you dance instead . As long as the music was playing , you were dancing . Everyone applauded when the music stopped . You were never shy about being the center of attention . The residents got a big kick out of the entertainment you provided . Believe me when I say , their days were brightened when you danced for them . I know you remember GG when she was living in Maple Tree Assisted Living . . . that was such a nice place , and she was well taken care of . . . the most important thing was she loved it there | Sorry the best granddaughter award never got into your hands . . . . you can tell when I made this just from the picture . . . . here it is after our vacation in CO in 2007 . . . mistakes and all . . . This is GGPA and GG when they were younger . I think you were about 1 - 2 years old when he passed away . 15 : 4 generations seated at the same table . GG truly enjoyed this . We always had lunch with her when you were here . This is when you and mom lived with us for a while in 2005 . | This is a very heartwarming story . Sometimes I cry a little when I think of this one , I will never forget it . . . GGPA had been sick for quite a few years . . . When you were an infant , I remember I put you in GGPA 's arms . . . at that moment . . . his whole demeanor changed ; his face lit up as the pain in his eyes vanished and was replaced by a bright sparkle . . . he was no longer sick and hurting . . . and for just a few moments I could see the happy memories of his life being played in his mind and he was young again . . . I miss him very much . You would have loved him . . . although he is not your natural GGPA . . . I consider him to be my father and always will the same with the way you feel about grandpa . He 's not your natural grandpa , but he will always be your grandpa . 16 : Grandpa loves his garden . That was an exceptional year for the garden . We had an abundance of yellow squash , zucchini , red , green and yellow peppers . There was cantaloupe , butternut squash , some onions , carrots , potatoes , green beans and beets . Of course , this garden is in Missouri . Things actually grow here because it rains . Colorado only produces thorns and thistles . Grandpa didn 't have much time when he was working , but now that he 's retired , he 'll have more time to take care of the garden . Then there are those funky veggies that grandpa grew that year . I think they are hysterical . There were more , but I only got pictures of these | The hummingbird feeder was always something interesting to watch . I can hardly believe that they flap their wings so many times per second . I looked it up , and do you believe they flap them about 50 times per second . I took these photos when the feeder was in front of the house . | Remember this marker ? You always knew that we were almost there to grandmas and the long drive was almost over . 17 : I included a picture of our house so you can find it when you come to visit on your own , let us know , and the light will always be on for you . | These sticks were planted a year or two after we bought the house . It took a long time to plant them . Some days after grandpa got home from work ; we 'd go outside and plant a few , maybe 15 to 20 bushes . Our backs were hurting after we did that . I think we planted about 60 or 70 bushes . Those became the shrubs in front of the house . | I loved to watch you ride on the tractor with grandpa . . . you would giggle as the tractor bounced up and down as it ran over the mole holes in the yard . . . and when he used the big tractor out of the acreage , you went with him also . We had so much fun watching you have fun . Grandpa and I loved to see you happy . Then you would work with him in the garden . when you got bored , you 'd come back into the house . Which was soon after you started working in the garden . | Do you remember the squash casserole we used to make with zucchini or yellow squash ? It was made with stuffing mix , sour cream , shredded carrots , and something else ? Oh , that was so good . We loved it , grandpa wasn 't crazy about it but he said it was OK . That 's what he always says . 19 : These pictures show the equipment of the day when we were growing up . The rollers and clips were very uncomfortable . Getting your hair done was a painful process . What women wouldn 't do for their man huh ? Dig that sink . There 's where we got our hair washed . The tray that we laid back on was metal , and the hose was huge it sprayed all over the place . Doesn 't this hair dryer look like a space helmet ? That 's what it looked like to us . And I remember it being sooo loud . Dig the Martian permanent wave machine . Doesn 't it remind you of something out of the 50 's sci - fi movies ? Oh , you probably don 't watch those old movies . Anyway , it reminds me of a type of machine that steals your brain . The metal curlers got hot after a while because the heated tentacles were attached to them . Anyway When GG was about 18 - 19 years old , she became a hairdresser . GG kept on doing hair up until she was 76 . GG was good at what she did . Her favorite part of hair dressing was listening to people 's problems . She said that they would talk and talk about everything happening in their lives . She love 's people even down to this day . She really slowed down in the 90 's , and stopped completely in 1997 when she got into an accident near our house in Lochbuie and didn 't remember that she did . It took her 4 hours to find her way home ; it was only 35 - 40 minute drive . Lynn and I moved her into a seniors apartment in Arvada and she was OK for a short time , but then she was calling me often telling me she didn 't feel safe there and by 2000 she was calling every day and telling me that she couldn 't go out of her apartment because she got lost and she couldn 't find her way back . Grandpa and I were already here in MO , so I found a nice place for her to live in town here . That was the residential care place that you have visited quite a few times . | Lucia 's Beauty Shop 21 : Matthew 24 : 3 - 12 and Luke 21 : 7 - 11 have some very interesting things to say about what the wars mean . . | Josh Fueston was my nephew , he was my sister Laurie 's son and his death was devastating to all who knew and loved him . . . . from here on , we will just await the resurrection of those sleeping in death . . . John 5 : 26 - 29 . . . it is promised . . | Now back to happier things . . . . | Josh visited a few times from WA when we lived in CO . The two of you played well , but what can you expect when you get two young ones together who are out going and lovable . See , you were kind of young here . Josh was one year older than you are . Then there is Josh grown up . He was 14 years old in 2 of these pictures . He joined the army after one of the recruiters got hold of him and told him all kinds of stories about not much fighting going on in Iraq , and all the bonus money he could get , and the army would pay for his education . Unfortunately , after he was deployed to Iraq and he was sent home a couple of months later with an extreme case of post traumatic stress disorder . When people come back from war , they are never the same again . Even more tragic was that he ended those painful consequences of war . He jumped in front of a train in Washington , DC on September 13 , 2009 . He was only 19 years old . What a waste of life 22 : Remember when uncle Bob did this ? I do . . . it was when we were there with your mom and dad , and we were getting ready to go on our vacation to Colorado Springs in 2007 , and you 're in the den getting your suitcase ready to go . Bob was acting silly , so I snapped a picture of him being silly . 2009 is when this picture was taken . It is the family members that are still alive and still talking to each other . I especially like the one of grandpa , me , and my two daughters . . . We are a lot of people when we are able to get together . Ann is so gracious to have all of us there . I 'm sure it is a great inconvenience for them . Caleb is so lovable isn 't he of course the family picture was in August 2009 . I 'm so glad that Jay and Tammie and Caleb were there and I got to meet them . Caleb is so precious . Especially when you think about how early he was born . We all worried for a while . Everyone was prepared in case he developed some of the same setbacks that Tammie did . Even though he had some of the same things happen to him , he overcame them and became healthy . The medical field has advanced so much since Tammie was born that there is so much more they can do to help preemies today . 26 : This entire album is filled with things that Jehovah created just for mankind 's pleasure . I think life is awesome . Jehovah lets each living being form their individual personality along with free will . With only a glimpse of these animals , one can tell that their personalities are as different from each others as ours are . Doesn 't it warm your heart to watch animals just being themselves ? 28 : Here are some pictures from the Hubble Spacecraft . Astronomers can see that the heavens are expanding , but they don 't know why or how . The reason is because they choose not to believe that Jehovah is real and is the one doing the creating . It is so plain to see . . . . Now on to another section that I hope you 'll like . . . . | ( Psalm 147 : 4 ) . . He is counting the number of the stars ; All of them he calls by [ their ] names . . 29 : Jess . . . this is the end of this section . . . I wish we had taken more pictures of you when you were little . Since we didn 't , it is what it is . So on we go with more memories that we share . The pictures below are part of the surprises , but you 'll have to figure it out yourself . . . . . | HI | NT 32 : In 2007 , we went from Ann and Bob 's to Colorado Springs , We spent 2 nights there in a not so nice hotel . . . I think it was Howard Johnson 's wasn 't it . . . but the things we did made up for it . . . let 's remember the things we did . . . Everyone needs to have their picture taken holding up the balancing rock at least once . . . . I think that 's a law isn 't it ? | Does Montana know how undeveloped you are . . . . 33 : That grade was steep wasn 't it ? I know that I felt like we were going straight up . Look at the surprised look on your face ( Not ) but it 's a good picture and appears real . That 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Just about every picture of you is a hammy one . As I said earlier , hammy to us is just one of your charming traits . I guess we all ham it up for the camera sometimes . I just love to live in the moment . . . don 't you . . . . ? The top of Pikes Peak was a little chilly . The out - of - towners had no coats or sweaters so they got pretty cold . You didn 't seem to have a problem looking over the edge , me . . . I get dizzy when I get too close to the edge . The cog train was slow , but it got us up there . The cog train was still better than driving the road . There 's another cog train going up the hill . Talk about your head being in the clouds , ours were for a while . It was pretty hazy up near the top , and while we were on top . 35 : Even though the cog train was slow , it 's better than driving the road ; the road is dirt , winding , close to the edge in many spots , one lane in other spots , and the brakes get so hot from overuse coming down that you have to keep stopping to cool the brakes off just about every mile . The scenery was really pretty too , remember that lake ? That was so far from anything , it is probably a pristine lake . The top was truly windy and cool . 36 : Now , look at those delicious " Pikes Peak high altitude donuts " with attitude , and they were FREE with my coupons from the Internet . I like FREE . Remember she said that they can only be made on Pikes Peak ? Others have tried to make them at lower altitudes but they don 't rise , so the altitude does really have everything to do with it . Do you think people will notice that we are at the top of Pikes Peak ? Nnaaaa . . . I think we hid it quite well , don 't you think . . . . . no one will notice . 37 : Just one last look around and its back down the hill , just in time for the rain . We all could breathe easier when we got back to Manitou Springs . . . . . . speaking of which . . . . the Melodrama Dinner Theater was across the street from the train station . We had dinner there , and it was served family style that was nice and very cozy . The dishes didn 't look like they were very big , but they held a lot of food . . . . the icing on the cake that day was the performance that night at the theater , and what a hoot it was . . . . If we had known that we could take cameras in . . . Well . . . we 'd just have pictures in this album now wouldn 't we ? | Are you yawning . . . . or posing ? ? ? 38 : It was an unexpected moment when the flashes started , and the heroine said " OOOOH pictures " then they locked arms and went from one side of the stage to the other smiling just as big as can be , and stopping to pose in each direction . That was funny , funny . It was a riot . Then we hissed and booed at the villain , yeaaa 'd for the hero , clapped for the lady between good and bad , and went oooohh . . . . aaaaahhhh for the heroine . What a fine way to end the day . . . Let 's go on to the Molly Kathleen Mine . Remember the elevator ride . . . standing squished as they loaded us in the back to front position . . . it was kind of personal . . . . I 'm glad he put the three of us together , I 'm not crazy about being cozy and intimate with people I don 't know . . . . know what I mean ? . . . that sign on the gate to elevator was unusual , but I can see why that was necessary . . . . The conditions down in the mine were damp and cool . . . . recall the widow maker jack hammer like drills . . . and dynamite settings there . . . . I would not like to work there . . . . 41 : Yes . . . the Mollie Kathleen was educational . Then there was that lame train ride in Cripple Creek . Remember we looked at our clothes and kept wondering where that black stuff was coming from . . . . . . it took us a few minutes to figure out that the black stuff was soot coming from the coal fueled engine . . . . . who knew ? . . . we sure had a good laugh over that . . Didn 't we ? | The widow maker was pointed out to us , it has to be a truly tough machine that shakes the body and rattles the bones . . . I guess that is why it is called the widow maker . . . And , remember the figures of men working on the ceiling of the mine . . . . they had to take everything with them for the day because they were not able to come down on their shift . . . relieve themselves you ask . . . . they yelled . . . " look out below . . . . " and hopefully everyone below them could hear it above the noise . I can 't believe that they still work that mine in the winter months . . . . 42 : Yes . . . Grandpa does love me . . . | I was having a bad hair day as far as shooting the rapids at Sheep 's Head Canyon . Oh , you know that grandpa loves me . He kept pulling me back into the boat every time I started to fall backwards . The first time , I fell with my back on the rocks , I kept thinking , " Uh Oh . . . when this rock ends I 'm going to be in the water " . . . . . Then my hero would pull me back into a sitting position . All the time the guide would yell at me " Stay in the boat . . . stay in the boat . " What the heck was that all about . . . . . I certainly wanted to stay in the boat . . . . I had absolutely no desire to get thrown into that river of rocks . . . . OUCH . . . | I do remember another thing that happened in Breckenridge . . . I put my purse down on the chair next to you while we ate in KFC . . . . when we left there . . . guess what . . . we left my purse there too . . . we both had forgotten that we put it there . . . it 's a good thing that someone was honest and turned it in to management . . When I called there 2 hours later , they said that they had it . . . whew . . . that was a close one . . . 44 : MY FAVORITE PICTURE | The Hard Luck Café in Branson where all workers take turns singing the whole time you are there . I know this is the not your favorite picture , but it is ours . Jason Yeager is a former contestant on American Idol . What a voice he has , and when he surprised you by plopping down next to you , your eyes got huge , and your mouth dropped open . . . . when he started singing to you , you turned beet red . That might have been enough embarrassment for you . . . . but nnnoooo . . . I made you go get the camera from the car , and asked Jason to do it again . I remember he said to you ; " The things we do to please our grandparents . . . huh ? " Jess , you 're such a good sport . . . | Dear Montana This was not my idea . . . my grandma made me do it | Yes its true ; it is grandma & grandpa 's job to embarrass you and we did it quite well don 't you think ? We really tried hard 46 : Yes sireeeee . . . . . We did too ! We climbed up every step of that tower and back down again . It was near Eureka Springs so we got to that stop first . Each level we climbed I thought I could see the top and there was only one more flight to go but , I thought wrong . . . What a way to start off our trip . . . . our legs were like wet noodles when we got back down to the ground . . . . I remember when we went to see the Acrobats of China . . . Instead of driving there and getting caught up in traffic , we walked up the hill . . . . Oooohh that was so hard because our legs were still hurting and they hurt even more the day after the show . . . . 47 : Before we go on to the next page I have to admit just how bad my memory is . I can 't remember which attraction we went to next , but I assure you , they will all be here in your album . . . However , before the page is turned , we have to have a little scenery and then a little humor . . . have you ever owned a pair of flip flops ? I think I remember seeing you in them once or twice . . . on the next page you 'll see not only why this footwear is silly , BUT some over paid master of design , imagined that people would actually want to wear these . . . would you ? ? ? Are you ready ? | Top : Butchart Gardens , Vancouver , British Columbia , Canada Bottom left : African sunset Right : At just the right angle , this man appears to be holding the sun in his hands 49 : OUCH ! OUCH ! ! OUCH ! ! ! OUCH ! ! ! ! | The new " Platform Shoes " My feet will get dirty . . . but I don 't care , because I 'm pretty , pretty , pretty | Has anyone seen my beautiful peacock lately ? | Now . . . onward to Dogwood Canyon . . . . 50 : : Peace and quiet is our thing , that 's why this is one of our favorite destinations . Remember the soft sounds of the waterfalls as they feed all the pools of water . The guide explained that the bridge was built by the Amish who do not use electricity , and then pointed out this showcase is displaying the hand tools they used to do this project . That bridge is solid . The Amish really take pride in the things they build . That 's why their structures are so sturdy , and that is extremely rare in today 's society . Today people take shortcuts and don 't care if their work is inferior . | Dogwood Canyon Lampe , MO 52 : All the pools are stocked with trout and the handicapped children are invited to fish once a year . This was funny when the fish were swimming calmly and then when the guide feeds the fish , wow . . . . . they went nuts . I always like the quiet . . . . except when we get near the lawn care people . . . . their machines sure do make a lot of noise . . . most of them were courteous and shut them off until we got past them 53 : The tram ride through the park was so peaceful and goes beyond the park boundaries and through the free range wildlife refuge . It was nice until the buffalo and large steers came near enough to touch . Then we begged the driver to go , go ! The chuck wagon is for special occasions . People rent the picnic areas and have their event catered . They 'll cook anything the group wants from lobster to chili . There were several wood carvings along the way . Didn 't you just love the tram going through the water on several occasions . . . . That one there I think was the one at eye level when we got fully in the water . . . . I liked that . 55 : : I love this waterfall the best . . . . that 's why I wanted to have our picture taken there . The waterfall behind you is pretty also . . . let 's face it . . . they are all beautiful . The pictures are pretty well self explanatory . . . now you can tell your story . . . 60 : Quigley 's Castle is the dream home of Elise Quigley ( 1910 - 1984 ) . The paths wind around secluded benches , a lily pond and bird baths to her home covered with stones she 'd collected since childhood . She found a way to sleep in tree tops full of bloom . Tropical plants grow in the natural soil of the first floor and brush the ceiling of the second floor . She has a butterfly , fossil , crystal , arrowhead and glassware collection beyond imagination . She came to the Ozarks when she was nine . She loved the outdoors and began to collect rocks as she walked along a creek bed to school . | The Entrance . . . The history following this picture is for those who browse the pages of this book and don 't know anything about this castle . . . but would like to . . . . . 61 : When she was 18 during the depression , she married my grandfather , Albert . They lived in a lumber shack and had five children . My grandfather promised her a house with the lumber cut off their own property . She designed a house in 1943 that would allow her to bring nature indoors . The design called for 32 large windows , and glass was rationed because of the war . They argued about it for several months . One day when my grandfather left for the mill ; she and the five children , tore the lumber shack down . She moved them into the chicken house . That is where my grandfather found he was living when he came home that evening . That 's where they lived while he , the sons , and a great uncle built " the castle . " They were able to move into the wooden structure by that winter , but it was three more years before they were able to get the 32 window spaces . She used the three years to cover the outside walls with her rock collection . We had been there before , and each time we go , we see more . Her collections are truly amazing . Grandpa took her everywhere she went ; because she couldn 't drive . He worked the farm and lumber mill until he died at the age of 66 . Elise Quigley died in 1984 . Her granddaughter along with her two children still lives in the house and takes care of it 63 : Just a glimpse of the butterfly , rock , shell , and bottle collections . Yes . . . that is the outdoors brought inside . . . so relax , your eyes are not playing tricks on you . Most of these explanations are for others reading the pages . . . 69 : The mailbox , bird bath , house , and inside fireplace with shells for decoration . . . . have you seen any so large and in one piece ? | The End of Quigley 's Castle . . . . on to the attractions in Branson . . . at least the ones we have pictures of . . . | The camera won 't be put away yet , but remember the attractions that wouldn 't let us take pictures . . . . 71 : These pages filled with butterflies speak for themselves . The only thing that would have made this visit to the butterfly palace better would be if we could have stayed and browsed as long as we wanted . The process that takes us from one room to another is so well designed . I had not seen one like this in any butterfly palace . These butterflies don 't stand too much of chance to escape and fly free . Do you remember when we took you to the butterfly museum in Boulder ? I doubt it , you were pretty young . Grandma almost melted in that one . Thats the one where I lost a lot of weight . . . Hee Hee . ( Get it . . . I melted ) . 72 : This was an amazing sight . People don 't get much of a chance to have one land on their nose and someone be there with a camera . This is an amazing shot , if I do say so myself . . . . . . you had to keep calling me to take a picture . . . . Did it tickle ? . . . . . Did you want to swat it off your nose because it made you itchy ? It 's one of my favorite pictures . This is the best butterfly palace I 've ever seen . | POP QUIZ How many of these little red dishes were there in that room ? | We can 't forget that we also went to the Titanic exhibition . . . I 'll say . . . it was an educational experience . Remember the decks at the end of the exhibit ? They had the different degrees of tilt that the people felt on the ship as it went down . Very chilling . We all had characters that survived . . . once we figured out how to read the names . The rooms were extravagant for the first class , and the other sections were very different . I can 't believe the steepness of the deck , I guess that I never thought of that . How frightful that must have been to those who weren 't able get off the ship . 73 : Well . . . OK then . . . for extra credit . . . . how many butterflies were there in that room ? | We really did have a good reason that we couldn 't stay . . . you can tell your story now Jessica , or just let them read on . . . . | Another place I forgot to mention is the toy museum . That was interesting to us because those were the exact toys that we played with as kids . This probably wasn 't too interesting to you , because you had much different toys to play with . We played with metal toys , and dolls with pieces that came off . We sat in high chairs with no safety features and cribs with gaps between the bars we rode in cars with no seat belts , and when small pieces of a toy came off , we swallowed it , and look . . . . we survived . Yes , we sometimes got cuts from metal sometimes we slipped down to the floor in the high chairs , flew forward , hitting the dashboard when they hit the brakes hard . . . . we cried , and mom dried our tears , kissed our boo boos , and life went on . . . . there were no law suits . . . that was just part of life . Just look at today . . . . need I say more . . . so if you have a little accident I sayJUST PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL WITH IT . . . 76 : It 's 50 's at the Hop | The hop was your favorite I 'll bet . . . first of all , you got picked to go on stage and do the " hand jive " . . . . for someone who did not know what it is , you caught on real quickly . . . NO bad hair day here . . then your name got called to have a free BBQ for 2 . . . it 's not often that 2 good things happen at one time , but it did . . . AND . . . That 's why we had to leave the butterfly palace . . . they only honor one coupon per day from at the hop . . . it was our last day in Branson , so we had to get there early for lunch to be sure we were able to use the coupon that day . . . | I did take a lot of pictures , but these were the only ones that came out OK . . . even the ones of you up on stage didn 't come out well enough to show , so I had to delete it . At least you have the video to remind you of that . . . of course we 've taken other vacations , but didn 't take a camera . . . . I wish I had been thinking about the future . . . if I had , I would have taken so many more pictures . . . oh hind vision is 20 20 . . . I know that you used to remember the vacation in CO Springs when you were little . . . 78 : Some of these characters look like the actors , and some . . . not so much . . . Dan Blocker , Lorne Greene , and Michael Landon all starred in Bonanza . I loved that program , and still watch it on TV Land . The next one is Charlton Hesston in the Ten Commandments . That movie still plays on TCM once in a while . . . on the right is Robin Williams , he starred in Pan . I 'm sure you 've seen that movie haven 't you ? I thought it was pretty good . . . another movie he played in that is more recent is Mrs . Doubtfire . . . and how about RV . . . . now that was so funny . . . You recognize the bottom one don 't you . . . all kids have watched that at one time or another . . . this is one of them that don 't look like the characters so much . . . I 'd say . . . unless this is a new look they have given them . . . . 82 : If I remember right , there were several libraries in that home upstairs , and down . Education was important to him , so was music . He had many friends who would arrive unannounced most of the time and stay not just overnight , but for weeks at a time . This was his bedroom it was upstairs in another wing , but this was an interesting night stand . It was a rotating book rack , that he built himself so he could have a choice of reading material to enjoy before he went to sleep at night . The kitchen was up to date , and served the purpose . There was more than one living room also . This one is on the first level . This is just one of the libraries . 83 : This page has just 4 of the many bedrooms in that house . He had one or 2 sisters living with him or maybe a niece or cousin . Each bedroom had their own source of heat because even though he had a furnace in the basement , there was no circulation system to get the heat from the basement to the upper floors . He tried several ways to get the heat up there , including leaving a door open from the basement space to the first floor , unfortunately , none of his ideas worked . The bedrooms were simple , and the closets were amazing . I say that because they were built in the most unusual places and unusual shapes . Some were like a tunnel and you could stand at the end . 85 : This room is the man 's office . . . the typewriter that his secretary used every day he worked for the wealthy man . Dig the other one that hides inside the case . I would imagine that he spent some time in there too , especially when he had a lot of company . Here 's your fire extinguisher . I sure didn 't know they had extinguishers back then . The fish hanging on the wall is one that he caught himself and had it stuffed , he was so very proud of that fish , and he showed it off . The other 2 items above , are interesting too . One is that furnace that had no way to circulate the air . So , I 'd say that it was a useless furnace . The other one is a knob and tube electrical system . He was the only person in the entire area to have electricity . He was the one who first had the highway paved much for himself because the road was extremely rough due to it being dirt and the amount of rain MO gets . 87 : He had a unique way of letting guests know if they were welcome or not . Some of his regular guests lived quite a distance away , and often no invitation was sent , and no notice was given him that they were going to be arriving . So , if he didn 't want any company he would put this flag out in the yard . . . . this flag told his would be visitors in no uncertain terms , that they were not welcome at this time . There were no exceptions to that rule . You may remember this differently , so please let me know if I 'm wrong . Grandmas ' memory is not nearly as good as it used to be . This bed was very interesting . There were no beds this size or shaped like it either so he had to have it specially made for him , because he liked sleeping outside in the summer . This bed was unique and far ahead of its time . This is the view he had from the porch 88 : HI | NT | This is the last hint there to the left . The surprises are yet to come , and I think that you will be excited when you finally get it . After all , I do have to keep something for your graduation when you do actually graduate . | There was another place that we went to and that was that little town that had the telephone museum in it . Remember that guy who opened it up so we could look around it . I enjoyed it because that was the phones , and switchboards we used . ( Of course , that was in the " olden days " ) | Then we had lunch at that bed and breakfast hotel . That was kind of expensive , but it was well worth it . . . . kind of fancy wasn 't it ? 89 : Here is your typical fainting couch . . . . the women used to wear very tight corset 's back then , and I think that probably cut off their air supply and they 'd faint . I don 't know if that 's true , but it sounds good to me . The piano was something in it 's day . I imagine that it was being played often by guests . There 's nothing like piano music . Some don 't appreciate that type of music but I do , it is so soothing . I wanted to take piano lessons so much , but I wasn 't able to . The other room is a game room . I find this intriguing because there was more than one game room , and there were a lot of nooks and crannies in that home . I could imagine myself wandering from room to room deciding which game I wanted to participate in or which conversation I wanted to join . That must have been a peaceful place to visit . The guests that did visit were wealthy also , or else , how could they visit for 2 or 3 weeks at a time . |
Someday Camping Will Be Fun … The girls and I took off for Illinois after one of their orthodontist appointments Thursday afternoon . We had packed up and were running late . I called the orthodontist and told them we were running late . They said as long as we were there within fifteen minutes of our scheduled appointment they would still see her . I put the address in my gps not because I didn 't know where we were going , but because I wanted to know what time it was saying I would arrive . It was telling me between fourteen and fifteen minutes after our scheduled appointment . I drove as fast as I possibly could without getting a ticket . With every yellow light I came to , my four year old grandson yelled , " oh no ! " I flew on threw trying to just get this appointment in before our four hour trip to the camper for the weekend . We did make it . Barely , but I got her there and she received the needed services then we grabbed some lunch from the grocery store and were on our way . I think this is the first trip I 've ever traveled a full two hours without stopping . I made it all the way to the I80 truck stop exit before we stopped . I was talking on the phone and let the person I was talking to know I couldn 't send kids into a truck stop alone so I needed to go . My little guy being four years old required mema going into the stall with him . As he sat on the toilet he asked if the toilet was one that would flush by itself . I told him it did . He screamed . Apparently , four year olds at least this one , is afraid of self - flushing toilets . I quickly corrected myself and lied and told him " no " it doesn 't flush by itself . I know I 'm horrible , but I have quickly forgotten how much little people whine and cry over silly things and we big people must think fast , which I don 't often do . In addition to lying about the toilet , I allowed the little guy to eat bread for lunch . I was powerless . I thought I would do better on this trip and not get into arguments trying to order french fries . So … I went to the grocery store for lunch . I suggested sliced turkey and some fruit . The girls said they needed bread for their turkey . I gave in and bought small Hawaiian buns . The short little grandbabe refused turkey , refused strawberries and grapes . He let me know that he was not going to eat anything , but bread . He told me that the other food I offered was big people food and he was little . I am fully aware I was being manipulated , but he 's not my kid , right ? I 'm to spoil and send the babe home , that 's my job . That is really difficult for me , as nutrition is really important to me . The kids and I have really been trying to make lifestyle changes . Cutting out grains and eating more fruits and vegetables , less processed food . That 's what makes the scenario so hard for me . I would love to just give in to him , but it makes me feel soooo guilty ! Well , Oliver and I were pretty excited about this camping trip as this was the first one he had been on with me . We arrived at the camper which once set up was 92 degrees inside . I started the air and tried relaxing outside , but the camper was taking quite a bit of time to cool off . I had budgeted one meal out which I had calculated to under twenty dollars . Pizza ! So I decided we would go get pizza instead of fighting the bugs after our long drive . We drove back eight miles to a nearby town and got water and a large pizza and onion rings . Oliver again let me know he wasn 't eating pizza , but somehow he loved those onion rings . We ate and returned back to the camper . By this time it was starting to cool off quickly as thunderstorms moved in . I put the awning away that I had just set up , but decided with the winds , when in doubt don 't . I got it pulled in just in time as the storm really rolled in . And roll in it did . Fortunately , my little guy loved watching the storm with his mema just as much as I did with my grandma so many years ago . Watching storms together is one of my favorite memories with my grandma . As young as three or four I remember her moving a mattress in front of a screen door for her and I to watch storms roll in and I would pat her face and tell her I was scared . She would explain to me that there was no need to be afraid and we would lay on the mattress and enjoy the view . I wish she was still here to enjoy the storms with me and my beloved grandbabes . Well , the next morning we all headed to the prison which we somehow explained to the four year old babe was a castle . His aunts explained to him that the bad kings lived on one side and the not so bad kings lived on the other side . This was to explain the two parts of the prison . The part that supposedly housed the bad kings does not actually house prisoners yet . Its not operating yet , but the explanation worked . I think by the time we actually arrived he had forgotten this fabrication his aunties had come up with . We had a wonderful time at the event the prison put on . They invited the families of the prisoners for a day of fun . The Friday before Father 's Day . All kids were invited and food , crafts and games were on the agenda . I took the two younger girls and Oliver with me . Our older son drove separately with my precious 22 month old grandson , Remi . We all had a nice time visiting and were able to walk the grounds which we aren 't typically allowed to do . Once we left I asked my son if he would be willing to be a good son and help me move my camper . I had decided I was sick of the sand at the place I store the camper and I needed to pull the darn thing home to figure out some problems before I attempted to camp again . He agreed . I asked him to simply watch me and the girls hook it up to the truck as that 's who would be doing it when we headed home . We did a good job getting it hooked up , but he insisted I could back the camper up with his supervision . Mind you , this place is hilly , uneven and sandy . I had the truck in four wheel drive without the camper hooked up as to not make any ruts for the picky and observant owners . I had told Kenters I had been watching videos on backing up and was confident I could do it . Of course he laughed at me , but extremely patient with me ( patience - he gets that from me not his father ! ) He was awesome and I backed the darn thing up a grassy hill and was able to pull right out of this god forsaken place . I will explain what I mean by god forsaken … . So , I have had my camper at this place for two months almost to the day . I have fought to have all the electric work . I would run one thing and if we plugged something in we would blow the gfi at the pole . We were constantly having to reset the plug . I couldn 't get the air to work so I had a portable air condition plugged into a drop cord that was at least making us comfortable . So , I had decided I was going to pull the camper home , find some help in figuring out why I kept blowing the gfi plug on his pole and then bring the camper back over here 222 miles . In the meantime , with the storm and all I was sick and tired of the sand and dirt and the camper being unlevel because there are no level spaces at this campground . I decided to have Kenters help me move the camper to a nice state run campground four miles down the road for the remainder of the weekend and I would then pull it home on Monday . But , something happened . I got set up in a civilized campsite and to my amazement - not amazement , everything in the gosh darn blankety blank camper works . The air , the fridge e v e r y t h i n g ! ! ! ! I 'm laying in bed a hundred feet from a real toilet and a real shower and I 'm freezing because the air that blew his breaker every time I turned it on is now freezing me out . I was able to run my air , the lights , the microwave , the fan and alllllll of it and I 'm not blowing anything . With this new knowledge I will just pull it back to the crappy place I paid for storage for the summer four miles away and when I can come back over and camp I will pull it back the four miles to civilization . It 's not much more work as the only extra I can think of will be putting the stabilization bars up and down . Everything else has to be opened and closed every time I camp anyway , so what the heck . I can do it ! ! This morning the girls were tired of camping , not so much the camping , but the bug bites we are still fighting constantly . I told the girls if they wanted to go home today and not tomorrow they had to get everything cleaned up , packed up and ready to roll within 45 minutes so we could head to the prison . My plan was to visit Kent early and leave after three hours so we could get the camper moved and head home . My plan seemed to work . The girls had their incentive , we worked hard and fast and had just about everything done so we went for our visit . It was a beautiful cool morning we were able to sit outside and visit with Kent . Its nice when we can be out there as its more private and comfortable . After three hours we said our good byes and went to finish getting the camper ready to move . We got the truck hooked up and everything closed within thirty minutes or so . I had figured out how to almost perfectly line the truck up with the camper to get it hitched on . I was way to proud of myself and how quickly I got that thing hooked on . Pride comes before the fall , in order to pull out I needed to go left , it was a bit of a sharp turn so I went right and went down and around a loop and headed out . I got the mile out of the grounds to the check in booth . And I heard a horrible sound and felt something not good . At first I thought my stabilizer bar had come down because it was touching the ground . Then I thought I had a blow out over the speed bump . When I got to the back of the truck I realized the hitch had fallen out . I was horrified and quickly tried to figure out what to do . I sent Chloe back to the camp ground to look for the pin . She called and said she couldn 't find it . I asked her to get the guy across from our site to see if he could help he was a campground helper . In the meantime after about fifteen minutes and many people passing by , a gentleman and his wife stopped to help . He informed me he had an extra pin . I had been trying to jack the camper up with a tiny jack I found in the truck to no avail . I wasn 't able to move the crank on the camper because I 'm not strong enough . Long story short once he started working on it the camp helper , the camp attendant and two people riding bikes were all there to help . The two people on bikes had found my pin and given it to the attendant . After thirty minutes or so I was once again on my way . I only had four miles to go get this thing off the truck and I could head home . When I got back to the sandy pit I asked the owner where I should put the camper as I was just storing it I wasn 't staying in it there anymore . I made the excuse that the kids want to be able to ride bikes and go to the park at the other camp ground . He told me to just put it where I had been before . Once I got down to the spot my plan was to just drive over the railroad ties , pull forward , unhook and get out of there . He had other plans . He told me to pull forward and back it in . REally ? I had to back it in when I 'd only done it once and just had a catastrophe . I obliged and did as he asked and I got it on the first try ! ! Yea , I backed the camper in . I 'm not proud though I can 't handle another fall for awhile . So I 'm humble , very humble and staying that way ! Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . June 20 , 2017 0 Home At Last I am so thankful to be home . Being away from home for nine days basically roughing it is exhausting . After the eventful evening I had on the last night camping I think it will be awhile before I am ready to head back over there . The first problem with the camper I noticed was the awning didn 't properly close and I had to push on the arms to get it aligned . Once it was rolled up it didn 't fully latch to the camper . It will be fine while its being stored , but once I go to pull it home it has to be fixed . The second problem I found was the drawer under a door where he hit the camper wouldn 't open . There is a small hole and deeper scratches the guy told me he didn 't do . I told him , " no he had to have done it , there was no prior damage . " I would know I power washed it for two hours before bringing it over . Then I saw that the damaged part he said he didn 't do and said had obviously had prior damage because there was putty on the side was because when he hit the camper it tore off a latch that holds the door open . That 's why there was putty on the camper . I couldn 't find the latch on the ground so he had apparently took it hoping I wouldn 't know what he had done . He had offered to reputty it . He wanted to fix the damage himself he didn 't want to turn it into his insurance saying he 'd have to pay a deductible . I at the time didn 't want to upset him as I had heard how he was when he was upset all night . Screaming and fighting with his wife . I was afraid to call the sheriff to make a report and then have to spend the night alone next to his camper . And I didn 't want to talk to him while he was visibly intoxicated . When I realized he had hit this piece off the camper and had to have taken it because it was nowhere to be found , then tried to make me think my camper was already damaged I was furious . He had not only lied but covered it up . Then to fix the light he broke he took the light off his camper and taped it onto mine with electrical tape . As if all that is supposed to make up for the hole he put in my camper . I called the sheriff to make a report . He asked if I wanted them to give him my number I said , " no , give me his number and I will give it to the insurance company . " Thankfully I left the campground before the guy returned . Chloe and I got on the road , stopped for gas and were on our way . Then Chloe told me she was starving and had to eat . She could not wait any longer , eighteen miles from the camper . Sami had gone with her Grandma and Aunt so she could get home sooner . I pulled into McDonald 's and ordered her a sandwich and a large fry . We were going to share the fries . After waiting in line for 15 minutes I got to the second window to get our food . I was handed a sack with a sandwich and he started giving me a drink when I told him I didn 't order a drink I ordered a large fry . He told me to check my receipt . Then another guy came to the window and I told him I wanted a large french fry not a drink . He told me to check my receipt . I told him I would , but I didn 't care what the receipt said I wanted fries not a drink . Then they sent the manager to the window . She yelled , " you aren 't getting fries . " I fought back , I said , " I have been waiting for fifteen minutes and I want what I ordered . " She said , you aren 't getting fries you didn 't pay for them . I was so dumbfounded I was in a bit of shock . She had walked away from the window , I told the kid working I will pay for the fries I didn 't purposely not pay for the fries . So after a total of 25 - 30 minutes I got our fries and we were finally on the road . Well the McDonald 's story made me laugh all the way home . I did voice to text in writing out what happened in an email to Kent . I had Chloe read it back to me since I had done the voice to text and wanted to make sure it sounded right . We laughed for a good while because it sounded like I was this spoiled child trying to get my french fries and my mom wouldn 't let me have them . Finding the " alone " time to mow proved difficult this week . So I decided to have my little helper help me mow . A couple bungee cords and we were off . Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . June 12 , 2017 0 Life is Hard without My Man I left for the campgrounds Friday afternoon once Noah got out of school . I picked him up and we headed out around 3 : 30 that afternoon . We drove pretty much straight through after most of the day the girls and I had been packing the truck for the trip . It takes a lot of lists to prepare to stay away from home in a camper parked over two hundred miles from home . Having the camper parked is supposed to be a way for me and the kids to be able to see their dad as economically as possible . I find it takes quite a bit of planning to pull off the economics of all this . I have now been here in the camper for eight nights . I stayed the week after Memorial Day because I thought it was cheaper for me to stay than to go home . When that thought was in my head I was thinking I saw Kent Memorial Day so if I stayed Tuesday , Wednesday and Thursday it was forty - five dollars more . I would want to return the following Friday so it would cost me that to drive home and that to drive back . So I stayed . Ummm , camping by myself , quite an adventure . As I said , Noah came over with us , but only stayed two nights and then went back with his sister so he could go to school . We got over here Friday evening around 8 : 30 . The camper was facing the wrong direction as the owner had made me switch sites since the camper was staying for the summer . He had turned the camper so the awning was facing the road not the lake . I had Noah turn the camper around for me . In order to do this he had to not only move the camper , but unhook the truck and back it out between the lake , two campers and a tree . But , he did it as stressful as it was . The next morning we awoke and realized the lake was rising and if we waited until after our visit with Kent we may not be able to get the truck in front of the camper to move it without the truck going into the lake . So we moved back enough that we felt safe from the rising lake . Noah had told me we should just move to the spot next to us because he felt it was a better spot and farther away from the lake . I didn 't know what the owners would say so we stayed put . Then the owners stopped by to say hey and said they wouldn 't have cared if we moved to the other spot . When we returned from our visit we moved … a third time . Ugh ! ! We have a small tent the two younger girls wanted to sleep in so they set that up and Noah and I slept in the camper . The camper is basically for sleeping at this point because I have not had the opportunity or time to learn how to use things and because of the damage I 'm not sure what I should be using and what I shouldn 't . I may have been a bit gung ho in hitching up the camper and hauling it over here for the summer . Noah left Sunday afternoon and the two girls and I were on our own for the rest of the week . Noah was such a sport before he left and helped so much . As I said he and I slept in the camper , it was miserable because I am a very light sleeper . I could feel the entire camper shake every time he moved and I 'm sure he felt the same . I asked him to figure out how to put the stabilizer bars down and he watched a video and got the thing stable . No more wiggling , I could sleep at last . The girls and I attempted to keep ourselves busy . We went to nearby towns and went window shopping , stopping for ice cream and packing our lunch where we were able to eat at road side parks that had beautiful overlooks . We went bike riding . The girls went exploring and did their school in their free time . They also went kayaking right in the lake in front of our camper . They talked me into going in which I went maybe thirty feet out into the lake . You see , the winds were around 25mph all last weekend and most of the week . When I went out on the kayak Noah was here and was able to help me out . I was a bit maybe a lot worried about getting out on my own as I injured my knee last September where I didn 't walk for over three months . It still is not fully healed and I am petrified of more knee problems . I would rather have all six of my kids at once than go through the pain of my knee going out again . It was that painful . So as the kayak tempts me I have not gone back out . Then the lake got calm and I saw it . A head slithering through the water then diving down into the water as its tail followed the body I saw that it was a dreaded snake . I googled what type of snakes are around here . Water moccasins or commonly called cottonmouths . No , thank you ! I realize the snakes aren 't going to jump into the kayak . But , what happens if I tip and go into the water I 'm sure they would all attack at once and devour me . No way am I going into that water . The campground I 'm keeping the camper at only has kybos . It does not have showers that 's why it 's five dollars a night cheaper when I 'm staying and I 'm able to store it here for fifty a month . So the search for a shower was on . Fortunately , there is a state park four miles away . We showered there first . Then Sunday happened , the park closed for flooding and locked the showers . The next shower we wanted to take took a bit of finding . After driving for over an hour as my gps kept giving me wrong directions we found one in Clinton and showered there , eighteen miles away . The third place we showered was a state park north of here . I went in , the girls had decided they would wait until the next day when their Grandma and Aunt would arrive and they could shower at their hotel . I on the other hand was going to see Kent and preferred to smell fresh rather than as sweat , campfire and the gross outdoors . I went in to shower . I noticed the biggest stall was out of order . I went into the middle stall although I was apprehensive as there was a camera . A camera in the bathroom ! ! ! It wasn 't pointed towards the shower , but I kept wondering if it was getting me in the corner of its eye . I showered as quickly as possible in the freezing cold , dressed as quickly as possible in the dripping wet stall and let my hair air dry on the fifteen mile drive back to the camper . Friday was finally here again , I went into visit with Kent and told him all about our adventures the past week . I told him how this great truck he sold our other wood truck for was ummm having a few issues . Although , I am quite thankful that the truck is a double cab , something our other one was not and don 't mind it terribly bad . I am thankful for the incredibly cold air coming out of it when it has gotten so stinkin hot here this week . It has not gone without its problems . The first problem I had was before we left , the tailgate decided not to stay up so like good hillbillies or moms who can 't fix a thing we put a strap thingy on to hold it . see I don 't even know what they are called . So the strap thingy keeps the tailgate up . That 's a bit embarasing , but I remind myself I have a nice suv at home in the garage and I don 't Have to drive the wood truck , I choose to . That somehow makes it a bit easier on my ego . Then one day on one of our outings the door handle went flying down the highway . I was to busy to stop to pick it up I don 't really need it anyway as that door quit opening a few days ago . The third problem I have and it is a bit embarrassing , but I have figured out how to alleviate it a bit . The drivers door does not want to open . I found that it take three full body slams to get it open . Not one or two but three full slams . I am sweaty and worn out by the time I get the blankety blank door open . But no worries here , I figured out if I push on the side of the window it comes open with one hard push . Here it is Saturday night , the girls are at a hotel with their aunt and grandma . I have been alone in the camper trying to clean up and get ready to pack up and head home tomorrow . When I feel a tremendous jolt . I go outside the camper and see the guy next to me backed into my camper . He is horribly apologetic . I 'm scared to death dealing with him . The reason being last night was his first night here . At twelve thirty I finally quit hearing him yelling at his wife when I put my speaker as loud as it would go in my window . I was hoping he would get the point without me screaming " we can hear you , would you shut up . " So this guy that 's having to admit he hit the camper and broke the little light also saying he didn 't put a hole in the camper . The hole is tiny , but this camper is styrofoam in the middle . So that hole no matter how tiny is going to put moisture in here and I am not sure how to handle a guy I have to spend the night next to that I have heard his rage for hours on end and it wasn 't towards me . This is no fun not having my hubby do my dirty work for me . I got his plate number I will have to let the insurance companies work that out . Too much on my plate this week for me to handle . I 'm thinking of the past week alone as a woman trying to camp . I realize there are many women who can do it . They can do it better than me for sure . It has definitely been a struggle . I have been incredibly frustrated with not being able to get a fire started at times because the wind would not just die down and go away . It was a struggle keeping food cold in the one cooler I foolishly brought because the other ones I own are loaned out . It was even a struggle going to a laundry mat . I 'm not used to going to a laundry mat so when I put my twenty dollars in for quarters to wash my one load of laundry and I got twenty dollars worth of tokens back , I wanted to cry . There were times through the week I did cry . I balled like a baby . I wanted to cry when I saw my girls legs so bitten up by mosquitoes and I couldn 't figure out how to protect them from the horrible invasion we couldn 't get away from . Although all that happened and it was all very hard . I got to be with my girls . I got to put them to bed and wake up with them . I got to do a bible study with them each day and talk with them about what they were learning . Through all this hardship is good . And I will try my hardest to focus on the good . Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . June 4 , 2017 0 Mother 's Day I have spent the past week preparing for my third child 's graduation party . We had a few bumps in the road getting ready for it . I ordered the invitations waaaaay late . We had to change the date because I didn 't remember we had homeschool tumbling recital on the orignal date and the yard needed to be perfect . Having the yard perfect is a problem when you break the mower . Not once but twice . It started last weekend when I came home from the last performance of my youngest child 's recital . I had spent the previous week running her to practice and dress rehearsal and yada yada yada . That part of our lives is over for the year and I headed home to hop on my mower and relax . I pulled in the drive and noticed the mower was outside . I went over to it , pulled it to the garage and saw I had a completely flat tire . I called the only child I knew that could have driven the mower with a flat tire and asked what had happened . She told me she used it to move something . I was not happy . This mower is what I use to first make the place look presentable and second or maybe actually first , relax . I mow several acres for several hours a week that take me away from it all . Kinda like the old calgon commercials . Mower take me away … . That 's what mowing does for me . So when I pulled the mower over and noticed the flat tire I was furious . I couldn 't find the stem so I couldn 't air it up . For the night I gave up . The next day the naughty daughter and I went shopping for her graduation party . I let her know that when we returned home she would die if I didn 't get my mower going . Somehow when we got home I was able to see the tire stem I couldn 't see the night before . I tried airing it up . It wouldn 't do anything . I decided to remove the tire . The first tire I have ever done anything to . With a little leg power I finally got the tire off and sent naughty daughter to town to get it fixed . She returned home with it and I tried putting it back on . This is the small swivel tire on the back of the zero degree mowers . When I tried putting it back on it kept spinning , it wouldn 't hold still and it was an inch to short of getting the bolt back on . While I was so proud I got it off I couldn 't get it on for anything . I called my handy dandy neighbor who came over and quickly realized I was putting the square part in the round part of the bolt . Who Knew ? I mean why can 't it just go in either way ? That would make it so much easier . While he was over I asked if he would help me check the oil ? The oil was low so we put in quite a bit . My handy dandy neighbor went home and I hopped on the mower and started getting the yard in shape for the upcoming party . I have to say after the past month of twice a week practices and the added stress of tumbling recital and all that entialed I was happy . I put my headphones on and started in . After half an hour of mowing I thought I heard something and looked behind me . The mower was smoking really bad . I shut it off immediately , but it was sizzling . A thought came to me at that moment and that was that we had put oil in when the mower when it wasn 't completely level . We had it jacked up working on the tire . I remembered to much oil was as bad as not enough oil . I left the mower in the field for the night and called my mower guy the next day . He said bring it in and we will drain some oil and check it out . The only way I could get the mower to the shop was to borrow my neighbors trailer as ours was stolen a few years back . I text the neighbor and he had the key at work so I waited until that evening to pick it up . When I went over to get it he was gone again , but it was unlocked . His wife and I attempted to hook the trailer up to no avail . I asked her if it was okay if I just left the truck there and he could hook it up when he got home , then I would pick it up in the morning . She said that was fine . Of course my awesome handy dandy neighbor delivered truck and trailer home late that night after getting off his second job . The following morning my youngest child and I went out to load the mower . I tried driving it straight on . Nope that wasn 't going to work . I attempted to back it on . It should work , but wasn 't . I tried for several times . I gave up and told Chloe your brother is just going to have to come help me . She said mom I think we can do it . I was hitting on one side while the other had several inches of space , I should be able to get it . After a couple attempts I shimmied it on and we quickly closed the gate . Two days later my reliable mower guys called and said I could pick the mower up . They loaded it for me this time . And they made it look so easy ? How come they can just pull this mower on a trailer that is the same width as the stupid mower and have no problems . Is it because I 'm left handed , blonde , a woman … I don 't get it . On my mower again , headphones on and happy as a lark . I was mowing the last part of the yard that had to be done before the party the next day . It was early evening and the weather was perfect . I was thinking I should probably mow this last part twice because it had reallly gotten tall since all the rain and mower being broken down . I saw a pile of " stuff " where the garden had been the year before . I was stearing clear of it when I got to close . I ran it over . I was so irritated as I always run " stuff " over . Usually its not my fault and of course it wasn 't my fault this time either . But , I was pretty much the only one that was here to fix it . It was that roll stuff that you put down under mulch or rock to keep weeds from coming up . I had left a roll of it near the garden . It got wrapped around the blade and wedged between the blade and the deck . Maddie 's boyfriend attemted to help me for quite some time . I may have scarred him when I told him how Kent nearly chopped one of his finger off working on one of our mowers years ago . He asked if it was spring loaded and I said I don 't know just beware when you work on mower blades fingers can come off . He gave up . So I took over . I laid in the gravel driveway for a couple hours using a razor blade to remove the material from around the blade . Then we ended up using a torch to get it from the blade and the deck . Finally , I got the hill mowed . Not twice , but at least once . Yard mowed I was ready for party day . Party was going great until , the dogs started fighting . Maddie 's boyfriend often brings his dog over . Our dog and his started in when boyfriend attempted to stop it and got bit . No stiches but some pain I think . This particular friend brings his dog over often . His dog does not like " Mark , " the cat . Despite the efforts of many people trying to keep Mark in , Mark insisted on coming outside . I 'm not sure if our dog was protecting his friend , the cat , or wanted to join in the tearing in two of the cat . Either way I have told this friend I don 't think its a good idea to have two unfixed male dogs together . They are friends one minute and advisaries the next . After the party came to a conclusion , Noah and I packed the car and the cooler as quickly as possible and headed down the road . We took his little Honda Civic no air condition or cruise control , but great gas mileage and headed to the camper . Noah would have prefered leaving in the morning , visiting Kent and returning that evening . That would have been around five hundred miles of driving in a twelve hour period rather than a twenty - four hour period . I won that round and we arrived at the camper around midnight . We set up the beds in which I quickly feel asleep . I have to wonder how I can go five or six hours without needing a restroom and within two hours of falling asleep need to use it . Noah had decided to sleep in the bed beneath mine so he wouldn 't have to climb over me when he came to bed . He wanted to stay up for a bit and enjoy the river in front of the camper . I thought that was a good idea until two hours later I was climbing over him trying to get out and to the kybo . From now on I insist on the lower bed . I don 't care who has to climb as long as I don 't have to . We arrived around 9 : 15 . We were some of the first visitors to arrive and were able to get a table outside . We checked in , they brought Kent out and we sat out on a picnic table for three hours . There are five tables outside I believe . Two are metal picnic tables the other three are round with round metal seats . The picnic tables are quite a bit more comfortable . Although hours of sitting on metal is never comfortable . After about three hours it was getting warm out so we all three headed inside . The guards came into the room and let the next group waiting there know there was a table outside available . In this room there are two restrooms . One for inmates the other for guests . They are locked unless you ask a guard to open them for you . There are also several vending machines and a microwave . When you visit your loved one you are allowed I think twenty - five dollars cash and you can bring your debit card in also as one machine is supposed to accept cards . The past few weeks the card part of the machine has not worked . The last time I visited I bought Kent and I each a tea . Kent said his didn 't smell or taste right . I smelled it and he was right . Then I checked the expiration date , it was twelve days over due . What was really bad about that is , the weekend before I had purchased the last tea in the machine , which meant it was stocked with expired tea . After about an hour more of visiting inside , Noah and I said our goodbyes and left . We went to the camper , cleaned and closed it up then sat at the picnic table by the river for a little picnic . We did a short Bible reading together , which means so much to me to be able to do with my fifteen year old son . The girls had decided not to join us on the trip as they had a long day at adventureland the day before and were not ready to drive the dreaded four hours it takes to get to the campsite . It does still come with problems . The camper is over two hundred miles away and I left home in a hurry . When I plugged the camper in at home everything seemed to work fine . We have 220 amp so that could be the issue , maybe not . When I plug in the camper at the site I blow the gci breaker at the box . The box ampage is 20 and the camper is 35 , I have to wonder if that is the problem . I don 't know when the owner of the camp ground knows what he 's talking about or when he doesn 't because when my cord was to short to reach the box he told me to use any drop cord . I told him you can 't use a smaller cord with a fatter cord he said you can . My dad was an electrician and you don 't have to be an electrician to know that will cause a fire . I went ahead and paid for the camper to stay at the site for the summer which is fifty a month . Pretty good rate as it would cost a lot more to pull it back and forth that many miles . But , this girl can 't camp without air condition so I have to figure it out . You tube better help me out ! ! All in all this was a nice weekend with perfect weather . Although I drove / rode five hundred miles in twenty - four hours I got to spend it with people I love . I am grateful . Life is filled with curvy roads and sometimes you will find yourself on one that you may have taken a couple wrong turns where all of a sudden the path you were on looks unrecognizable . You 're not exactly sure where you 're at or even how you 've arrived at the point where you feel like there may be no return . The road has become overgrown with debris , rocks , mud , sand and water cover different parts of it . The path has narrowed to the point where you 're not sure you can safely get turned around . You see a fog rolling across the country side as the sun is setting . All of a sudden you find yourself in a spot you have to get out of . Panic starts to set in and your mind is racing with how , whys and what ifs ? This is the very position I have found myself in . I 'm approaching two months into my federal prison sentence . Everyday I struggle with many of the how 's , whys and what ifs . How did I get so far into the wilderness ? Why would my Lord allow my family and I to suffer and lose so much ? What if something happens to my family while I am incarcerated ? There are a million questions like this that can torment you daily if you decide to allow Satan to have free rein on your mind to bind you in the bondage of your circumstances . This is an area where God has been really working on my heart . The ability to find joy in my circumstances . He has been speaking to me through His word . Joy , happiness , fulfillment and peace are things you have to choose to have have . God has been ministering to me and teaching me through His word that no can take my joy . No one can wreck havoc in my life . These are state of minds I can allow myself to fall in and out of . Rather being fearful about being in prison . I choose to be in awe of how He 's meeting my needs while I am here . I choose not to be burdened by my in ability to physically be present with my family on a daily basis . I rather choose to praise Him that He has given me a heart to pray for them like I never have before . I refuse to be in the mindset that I am a failure that landed himself in prison . I 'm gleeful that God has given me this opportunity to spend time in His word and better myself through my reading and daily exercising . I am determined to build myself through Christ the new life as described in the book of Ephesians . I am going to come out of this a new creature , I choose to be more loving , more tender hearted , more faithful , a better steward of my time talents and treasures . What are you going to do with the circumstances you may find yourself in ? Where are you going to find your joy ? These are questions I ask myself daily and I pray and read His word to find my answers . We have had a camper sitting in our driveway for around three years . When Kent had his dealers license he had bought and sold several travel trailers and did well with them . The last one he bought he wasn 't able to look at it before purchasing and after bringing it home discovered it had extensive water damage . So , because of all we had going on and time restraints the travel trailer just sat . Noah and I decided we were going to make it work . It may not look perfect inside , but we thought the air , electric , heat , etc worked so we were going to do what we could . Noah has learned quite a bit from working around home with his dad and got a great start on transforming the damaged areas . We decided to remove the bathroom altogether as we plan on only camping in civilized areas . With some help from one of Maddie 's friends we were able to get the camper going in time for a road trip to see Kent . Last Thursday evening I had many plans of making sure I could take on this task of hooking up a camper , unhooking a camper , backing it up and all the things that go along with setting up camp over two hundred miles away from home . I made all my lists of everything we should take . I checked to make sure my vehicle was capable of pulling the camper . The girls and I scrubbed the camper down . I power washed the outside for what seemed like forever . We packed up . I hooked up ALL by myself . Noah was not able to help me or go on the trip so I was a bit apprehensive . I have to say I was pretty excited that the camper moved when I put the Sequoia in drive . Then it got dark and I didn 't have any time to practice . Morning came , we double checked that we had all that we needed and headed out . As I was driving to town to check the tire pressure on the camper I decided to call the insurance agent to make sure I was covered while pulling this thing . I live ten minutes from town . As I rolled into the intersection of 65 / 69 and 92 and my insurance agent was explaining the add on to my policy I looked at the passenger seat and thought " oh crap . " I 'm literally just rolling along getting ready to turn and after ten minutes on the road I see the dogs butt heading out the window . Before I could do anything he jumped out . I 'm yelling at the insurance agent just add it to my policy ! I was so worried that I had killed the dog . My son 's prized possession at the moment . I slam on my brakes and Sami jumps out and chases the dog down . Everyone including Rocky the pitbull are safe and sound . After we are all settled I pull into Hy - Vee gas station , air up the tires and we are on our way once again . Whew , we roll on down the interstate hour after hour stopping for gas a couple times . Pulling straight in and straight out . I 'm thinking this isn 't so bad . I just hope all I have to do is go straight . After all , I had no time to practice going in reverse . Everyone was trying to talk me out of it . But , I was thinking we have everything we need packed up we will find a camp ground that will be way less than a hotel room and we can be outside . The weather was gorgeous and I was looking forward to seeing my honey and being away from everything with my girls . A little over four hours later we arrive at our destination four miles from the prison . Its a small private camp ground as the state parks aren 't up and running until May 1st . I talk to the owner , he shows me where to park and I attempt to unhook the camper from the Sequoia . After a little help from the girls jumping up and down on the bumper and the campground owner putting some boards under my wheels we were settled . I 'm still not sure how I got on those boards , but they are there and yea they are under the tires . I notice other people have things to make sure their wheels don 't move so later in the evening I make a trip to an auto parts store and purchase wheel stops so we don 't end up in the river . The girls and I jump in the truck and head to the prison to see Kent after six long weeks of missing him . It took a bit of time to get in to see him . I had to fill out some paperwork they looked at we were wearing and informed us of what they expected for future visits . We were okay for that night and after a few minutes we started our visit with Kent . It was Friday evening so we were able to stay until 8 : 30 pm , but since I didn 't know exactly what I was doing in the camper and we were planning on visiting the rest of the weekend we cut our visit a little short . Back at the campground we got a fire started and cooked our dinner on the little griddle we had brought along . We sat around the fire and enjoyed the rest of the evening before heading to sleep . I hadn 't really thought a lot of things through , such as filling the propane tanks and making sure the heat worked and all , but I had brought a small space heater that kept us warm enough . The next morning we heated up our breakfast in the microwave and headed to see Kent . He had told us to try to be there by a quarter till ten at the latest because if we were any later he 'd have to be at his bunk for count and wouldn 't get to see us until at least 10 : 30 . We arrived a few minutes after 9 and were told the jeans Sami was wearing and had worn the night before would not be allowed in the prison as they were to tight . The guard advised us we should go down the road ten miles to Dollar General and purchase something not so tight . I was thinking to myself not one word was said about her jeans the night before , but whatever . So we went . By the time we returned it was 9 : 55 . We went in and were told we 'd have to wait until after count . So to our truck we returned once again . About 10 : 30 we finally got to see him , we stayed until visiting hours were over at 3 : 00 . After visiting we went exploring around the Mississippi . Its beautiful over here . The girls both think we should just live here in the camper . We went to Palisades State Park . We got out and walked around until the dog freaked out . I had my keys attached to his collar and he flailed himself around and out of his collar not being able to figure out what was clanging around his neck . We finally got him calmed down and headed back to the camp ground . The girls were able to take a canoe out on the lake for a bit then come back for a fire and relaxing time . We have the camper parked within 30 feet of the lake that is attached to the Mississippi River . When they first asked if they could go on a canoe I told them they were crazy if they thought I would let them go in a river in a canoe . Then I realized we were actually in front of a lake that is by the river and there are buoys warning them exactly where they could go to keep them out of the currents of the river . Sunday morning we were once again able to go visit Kent this time we didn 't have to go purchase appropriate clothing . We are able to see him three days out of seven every week if our schedules allow for us to come over here . I spoke to the campground owner and he said I could leave the camper here for two dollars a day when I 'm not camping and when I am its fifteen a night . I 'm sure that 's cheaper or equal to the amount of gas I would spend pulling the camper back and forth not to mention I have a little cheap car I can drive back and forth if I 'm not pulling a camper . And so far I have not had to back that thing up ! ! Hurray ! ! Not sure what I will do when I have to , but I will face that when I have to no need to worry about it now … Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . April 29 , 2017 0 Wondering Its Good Friday . I think it is my favorite " Holiday . " I don 't know if it is the fond memories from when I was a kid or that its just a special time to celebrate our Saviors resurrection and the fact that I don 't feel pressured to commercialize this holiday . My favorite memory of this holiday when I was a kid is , when I was about eight years old . My mom had taken my sisters and I to a Good Friday Service at First Assembly in Indianola . We lived in Lacona at the time , which is about thirty minutes away . Someone in the car had to go to the bathroom . It wasn 't me . My mom pulled over on a gravel road in our little red chevel . She didn 't get far down the road and we were stuck . I think it was a level b road . This was back when we didn 't have cell phones so mom had to get out and walk to find someone to pull us out of the mud . She gave me strict instructions that we were not to get out of the car . I was the oldest and eight years old which meant I was to watch my two sisters , ages four and two . I 'm pretty sure this was the only time I fully obeyed my mother . Being the obedient eight year old daughter I was at the time , my two year old sister said , " she needed to pee . " I remember putting her off for as long as I could . My four year old sister insisted the two year old could get out of the car and go . But no , I wouldn 't allow it . I did however tell her she could go in the car on the floor board . And that 's what she did . I can 't even remember my moms reaction . I 'm sure I was praised for obeying . We haven 't had many " Easter memories , " with our kids as we didn 't really attend Good Friday services . We always taught our kids what Easter is about and such . One memory that does come to mind happened when we had lived in our current home on the highway for a year or two . We had had a great Easter dinner and had settled in the living room with the family . We were watching the " Passion of Christ . " We had a knock on the door . Kent didn 't want to answer it and we tried ignoring it . The person didn 't give up . He was out of gas . Kent was thinking to himself , " its Easter , leave us alone . " The visitor told Kent he needed help . Kent thought to himself , I 'm here watching the " Passion of Christ , and I can 't just ignore this stranded traveler . He took the traveler to town and got him some gas which he had to pay for and sent him on his way . Kent won 't forget that night , because he was irritated that he was interrupted on a " Holiday " from his family and our time together . He later was irritated with himself for being irritated and realized that he was able to bless this passerby . This particular " Good Friday , " I am thankful , scared and wondering . I am incredibly thankful for my savior saving me from my despicable self . I can 't help but be afraid that I am not able to be all that my kids need me to be while their dad is gone . I am wondering where my husband is . I got two emails this morning . The first one said , they are packing my stuff up and I am being moved . I don 't know where I am going . The second one said , my cousin Phil will be calling you . Phil ? I didn 't know you had a cousin named Phil . I 'm assuming Phil is a newly acquired cousin , in the joint . I haven 't received a call from cousin Phil or anyone else letting me know where my husband is . I got these emails while I was getting one of the kids haircuts around 11 : 00 . I was in the car on the way home from getting his haircut , when I contemplated for a short time driving to the prison that I 'm hoping he went to . I figured if they left at noon and I left shortly after that I would at least be able to watch him being taken into the prison . I then decided that was a bad idea and waited for cousin " Phil 's " phone call . As evening approached and I hadn 't received a call I called the prison and asked if he was there . The person I spoke to assured me he was . I have no idea if the person who answered the phone knew what he was talking about . I typically hear from Kent for very short times throughout the day . Since I haven 't today , and considering what he said in the email earlier I am hoping and praying he has been moved . If he has and its like I 've heard it is when you go to a typical prison , it could be weeks before I hear from him . I am certainly hoping I hear from him or cousin " Phil " soon . After writing this I decided to try to call the facility that he had been told two and a half weeks ago that he would be moved to . They told me he has been moved to their satellite camp . Praise the Lord ! What a gift ! The person I spoke to said Kent would be able to contact me by Monday . In the meantime I will print out the visitor forms and get them sent in so hopefully I can see my hubby soon . Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . April 15 , 2017 0 The Day From Hell I should say week , but it hasn 't all been bad . I have had many blessings this week . Sometimes things just get so trying . Today was supposed to be a quiet day . The youngest girls were babysitting their nephews for the day , and I was going to lunch with a friend . Then I had an alone day planned and I was going to get the house cleaned up which is sometimes difficult to get done with so many blessings living here . This morning one of these great blessings I live with was refusing to give a ride to one of the other blessings . Then the blessing who was being denied a ride to school noticed their shirt on an older blessing . That blessing decided to cut it off not just go take it off they got the scissors out and said , " here you can have your shirt . " I think blessing number three was so upset because the complaining blessing number four is often seen wearing the clothing of blessing number three . As I was trying to calm down all the blessings , like five blessings chasing each other down , a cup of coffee went flying across the garage . Thank God we all made it out alive . And no one was cut by flying glass or flying scissors . After awhile things got settled down . I went to lunch with my friend and spilled my guts and balled right there in the restaurant . Then I got a call from Kent , I stepped outside and took it . He hasn 't been able to call or email much this week . The prison is on lockdown and has been all week . The reason the prison is on lockdown is a female guard was either stabbed and either raped or the inmate attempted to rape her . I am not sure which . This did not happen on Kents floor , but when something like this happens the entire place is put on lockdown . Lockdown means they get no or very limited phone and email privileges . They don 't get to go outside . They do not get commissary . Not getting commissary is especially hard in this facility because portions of their food provided by the prison is being controlled by the gang bosses . As in , the gang bosses take a portion of the food which makes the other inmates portions smaller . This is a period of time that is supposed to cool everyone down . Instead of things cooling off it seems everyone is very tense and on edge . Most of these people are career criminals and have nothing to live for . They don 't care about trouble . They don 't have families that are awaiting their dismissal from prison . So they cause trouble . They take what they want , they do what they want and don 't care who they hurt in the process . For a person like Kent he walks the straight and narrow because he doesn 't want trouble he wants to do his time and come home to his family . He is so worried someone will plant something in his locker or start another fight he can 't walk away from and get more time . An inmate in his area lost twenty some days of good behavior over something he had no control over . Today when Kent called he was asking me to call the Assistant Warden and ask him what was going on with Kents transfer . Kent was being told by a counselor that they now didn 't know what they were going to do with Kent . I hung up with Kent , finished my lunch and came home to start finding out what I could do to help him . I tried calling the prison . The phone rang for five minutes before the receiver was lifted up . No one said , " anything , " I finally hung up . You can 't get to a person unless they either answer or you have a extention to put in . I didn 't have an extension and I couldn 't find one anywhere on the internet . I tried calling the BOP in Washington D . C . The voicemail says if you are trying to find out information about a particular inmate call the prison they are in . I called back , this time someone answered . Of course the Warden is not available , call back . I called back a couple hours later this time I had an extension as I had asked for it in my previous phone call . I had to leave a voicemail . I called Senator Grassley 's office once again . I told them the dangerous situation Kent is in . They said , " call us next week if he doesn 't get moved and they will contact the prison . " Ugh … Ok … So I will wait . I 'm filling myself up with Gods word , praying and listening to Godly teaching . " He will use pain to expose our false beliefs about our hearts and about his heart . He will use it to prick a place in us that has been wounded here before , to reveal our brokenness so that God can heal it . He will use suffering to reveal Jesus 's faithfulness , kindness , and unending love for us . " Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . April 7 , 2017 1 I Couldn 't Have Made this Up We have a pig , she doesn 't have a name . I just ask the kids what she said when they feed her , so I know for sure they walked up the hill and gave her food . She always says the same thing , " thank you , snort snort . " That 's how I know they fed her , they are able to tell me she said , " thank you . " She got out last summer while Kent was working in the garage , he looked out the window and realized something was amiss . There should not be a pig walking in the front yard . The kids were all gone , he came and got me and I jumped on the four wheeler to help him out . He was out trying to lasso her at the same time our American Bulldog attacked her . The day Kent left for prison she came for another visit . Fortunately , Noah got her back in her cage . This past Monday , she came for another visit . Noah was not home . I was in the kitchen cleaning out the refrigerator . I saw her out the back window eating the trash my daughter left outside the back door that was supposed to be in the trash can at the top of the driveway . Miss Piggy was eating " said trash . " Since I was cleaning out the fridge I just started throwing food out to her trying to keep her busy until Noah would get home two hours later . A bit later I think I heard a knock on the door . Not wanting to answer it I pretended I didn 't hear it . I went to the bedroom and put my bra on because I knew sooner or later I was going to have to face the fact or chase the fact that was missing from the cage up on the hill . The phone rang . It was so in so at …… s23 hwy staying at so in so 's house . Someone had knocked on her door and asked her about Miss Piggy . Somehow … . . s23hwy got my number and inquired if I had a pig that was missing . I said , " yes I know shes out . I 'm not sure how I 'm going to get her until my son gets home because my grandson is sleeping and I can 't come fetch Miss Piggy . " It just so happened Miss Piggy was causing the gals dogs and horses quite a commotion . I apologized and assured her I would fetch her as soon as my son got home . She said she would attempt to walk Piggy home . Must not have worked because I didn 't hear from her again . Thankfully , Noah arrived home shortly after . As in about an hour . I filled him in on the adventure our gosh darn pig had been on that morning and asked him to go look for her . He happily helped out as I allowed him to drive around the corner unaccompanied by me . He is just a boy of 15 years . He found her and his dog politely asked her to return to her cage , in which she refused . So doggie brought her home by force , by the ear . Literally , this dog got her home dragging her by her ear about a quarter mile . Noah called me and said , " bring the gun . " He had chased her for an hour by then and had had it . He said , " I 'm killing her , I can 't keep chasing her . " We live on the highway and she was causing problems . I took him the 9mm and he proceeded to chase her around our acreage with his dog attached to her ear . That made it somewhat difficult to get a bullet in her head . Noah didn 't want to shoot his beloved dog . Somehow piggie got away from doggie and ran across the highway into the nearby field owned by someone that we do not know because they are from Des Moines and there was no time to notify them that we needed to chase down piggie . Noah and I decided to follow her into the field and chased her around . She got out of the field and back by the highway . We went onto the highway in which Noah attempted to shoot her from my window , and causing the rest of my hearing to go with the shell casing flying into the backseat . I asked him to please not shoot the pig from my car and to get out and shoot her . She took off into the field once again . This time he got out and ran after her . A short time later he did take her down . He called me as I was on the road watching and said , " get a log chain so we could bring her home . " That had to be quite a site . We dragged a 350 pound pig behind my SUV with a log chain . Noah asked me to make sure no one was coming on the highway , he was a little embarrassed . I made sure no one was coming down the highway . I didn 't know the mailman was going to come from the dead end the other direction . So the mailman got to watch me drag a pig down the highway . I 'm sure we were quite a site . This is typical of what happens in my crazy life . That 's the one word that can sum this life up . I am so incredibly thankful for Noah , he not only shot the pig , he hooked her up dragged her home , and then he butchered her . He had her hanging in the garage all by himself . I couldn 't believe he got her up to hang all by himself . All this took about four or five hours . The next thing I know he says , " can I go mudding . " I let him go with his friends thinking I don 't even care what happens with the pig now . I 'm soooo done with this day . He comes home after a couple hours with his friends and starts butchering her . He gets her skinned and comes in and is like , " mom I 'm not sure what to do now . " Fortunately , a friend who had butchered hogs came and told him what to do . Noah did bring me larger than normal parts then Kent would have brought me , but he did an outstanding job . He 's fifteen going to public school for the first time since kindergarten this year . He 's lost his dad , his mentor , his hero , but is really stepping up to the plate and providing what he can for his mama and four sisters . He 's an amazing kid with an amazing heart . And I am so incredibly thankful for him . |
" Johnny , will you stop pacing ? " The woman looked up from papers she was working on . " I can 't , " he told her . " I just have a very bad feeling about this , as if we were being set up . " He continued to go back and forth in front of the desk : couch to wall , couch to wall . The woman removed her reading glasses . " Now why would anyone set us up ? I told you , we have approval from the highest levels . " She watched him stop walking to look at her , but noticed the tension remaining in his stance . Slowly , she pushed her chair back and walked over to him . Putting her hands on his arms , she spoke softly . " You trust me , don 't you ? " " Of course I do , Kate , " he told her as he took her hands in his own . " You 've helped us build up quite an impressive cache for our friends . It would be a shame to pull out now , before you reap your entire reward . " She leaned forward and began to softly kiss his neck . " Um , what about your husband ? " The knot in Jonathan 's stomach was growing . He wasn 't sure why he had started getting nervous these last few days . He should be happy , he was finally being appreciated - getting a chance to use his talents for his country . " I told you , ex - husband . He doesn 't have enough clearance to work on this . With the divorce pending , the higher ups don 't want to take any chances . " She continued to kiss him and slowly felt the tension ebb . " He 's a wild card . . . can 't be trusted . . . . You on the other hand have done very well . " " For a civilian , you mean . " " Not for much longer , Johnny . " Ego began to win out over caution , and he took her in his arms and led her to the couch . Scene One : Late Friday Night , An Apartment in the District Francine Desmond tossed and turned , unable to get comfortable and fall asleep . She knew she shouldn 't have gone to Bunny 's little dinner party earlier . She knew what the conversation would be like before she got there . . . ' Francine , are you still working ? How on earth will you ever meet anyone ? Why did you let Jonathan get away ? ' Francine shuddered . She had given short answers ; she smiled , remembered her upbringing , and bit back the retorts that found themselves on the tip of her tongue . When the conversation had turned to children and Francine found herself excluded , almost physically , from the group , she had decided that it was time to go . These women had been her closest friends through boarding school and college and even afterwards . She wondered when it was that their worlds had become so different that she no longer recognized them as people she wanted to spend time with . Francine shuddered as she thought of how they viewed children . It wasn 't that Francine had a longing to have children , just an acknowledgment that having children should mean more than a charm on one 's bracelet and hiring an au pair so Mummy could continue with her golf , tennis and charity work . She thought of Amanda , who despite the demands of her career managed to find time to know who her sons were . She laughed to herself . What had happened , she wondered , that made her realize that an evening with Amanda would not have given her anywhere near the headache she had left Bunny 's with . Francine sighed , and tried once more to lay down and fall asleep . She didn 't have to be up early in the morning , but she knew that habit would win out anyway and she hated how she looked when she was tired . The phone rang a fifth time , and still she could hear it from under her pillow . Sighing , Francine realized she had no choice but to answer it . ' Billy , ' she said to herself , ' this better not be you calling me . I 'm supposed to be starting my vacation . ' " Hello , " she said into the phone . " Ms . Desmond ? " " Yes , " Francine answered . " Who is this ? " " My name is Dan Black . I 'm with the D . C . Morgue . " " I 'm off duty , Mr . Black . Please contact my office in the morning . " " I 'm sorry , Ms . Desmond , but this is a personal call . " Francine sat up in bed . " A personal call ? Since when does the morgue make personal calls ? " " I 'm sorry , Ms . Desmond , but I recognized your name from the last time the Agency helped us out . We have a body that came in tonight , and your name was found on a piece of paper in his pocket . Would you be able to come down to make an identification for us ? " " Just whose body do you think you have , Mr . Black ? " Francine felt her blood running cold . " According to the driver ' sAmanda lay quietly on her husband 's chest , listening to his even breathing . She stole a peek at the clock and noticed that it was not quite midnight . It had been a long couple of weeks , Amanda thought , and Lee was exhausted . Still , part of her reasoned , was that any reason for him to fall asleep on her ? She leaned over and blew softly onto his face . Amanda felt him tighten his grip around her . " I 'm not sleeping , " he told her , " not really . " " Looked like you were doing a pretty good imitation there , Stetson . " " Just relaxing my eyes , " he responded . " Right now it 's not your eyes I 'm particularly interested in , " she told him as she began to nibble on his neck . " Oh ? " he laughed softly , " Just what are you interested in , Mrs . Stetson ? " Amanda 's answer was interrupted by the telephone . " I thought you were going to unplug that , Lee . " " I should have , " he admitted as he reached for it . " Stetson here , " Lee growled . " Why are you calling me ? Is she . . . . yeah , she 's here Francine . " Lee sighed and handed the phone to his wife . Amanda sat up and pulled the sheet around herself . " Hello , Francine . " Lee watched as the expression on Amanda 's face changed from annoyance to concern . " Oh my gosh , of course . I 'll meet you downstairs in about twenty minutes . " She hung up the phone and let out a slow breath . Lee looked at his wife . " What 's up ? " " D . C . Morgue just called Francine . They have a body there with Jonathan 's wallet . They want her to do an I . D . " " And she wants you to go too ? " Lee was surprised . Amanda nodded . " Yeah . She sounded pretty shaken up , Lee . " " Okay , let 's get dressed then . " Lee was already out of bed and moving toward the closet . " Lee , she only wants me to go with her , " Amanda told her husband . " Fine , " he muttered as he pulled his pants on . " But I 'll walk you down and wait with you if she 's not there yet . This neighborhood isn 't that safe at night , especially . . . . " " When I won 't carry a gun ? " Amanda finished for him . " Amanda . . . . " " It 's not work , it 's personal . I will not carry a gun unless I have no choice . I have a choice tonight . Besides , Francine never goes anywhere without hers . " " Okay , okay , " Lee gave in . " But be careful . " " It 's just the morgue , Lee , " Amanda reminded him . " But thank you for worrying about me . " She put her hands around his neck and gave him a long kiss . " Remember , we 're having breakfast with the boys in the morning . " " I 'll be there . " Lee smiled as he thought of Phillip and Jamie . His relationship with them had been tumultuous , but overall it was improving . He laughed as he realized he was looking forward to the long Columbus Day weekend with his wife and stepsons . " You 've been giving me a funny look since you picked me up , Francine . " Amanda told the driver of the car . " Spit it out , already . " " It 's just been a night for surprises , both good and bad . First , Billy knowing where you were and then telling me , and then Lee . . . . I really thought Lee would have been annoyed at me for ruining your night . " " He 'll live , " Amanda smiled . " He 's worried about you , too , and surprised that you wanted me to go with you . " " Yeah , well , I surprised myself with that one , " Francine admitted . " I guess I 'm scared that it might really be Jonathan lying there in the morgue . " She wanted to say more , to admit that she needed to draw on Amanda 's strength tonight , without the acerbic tongue of her partner , but the words wouldn 't come . Francine hated to be needy and tonight she felt exceptionally so . Amanda recognized the silence , so familiar to her in its similarity to the curtain Lee used to draw closed on his emotions . She knew that she had to wait , and just be there for her friend . ' Friends , ' she smiled to herself , ' who 'd have thought we 'd actually become friends ? ' But the woman sitting next to her in the car was a friend , despite different backgrounds and different outlooks on almost everything . She had taken at least one bullet meant for Amanda , and put herself on the line for both herself and Lee more times than Amanda could remember . If a trip to the morgue in the middle of the night helped to balance the scales a bit , then that was what she would do . " Hey , we 're here , " Francine told Amanda . " You looked like you were falling asleep there for a minute . " " I felt like it , " Amanda admitted . " I didn 't realize how tired I was . " " Well , they have coffee here , but it 's not exactly palatable . It will wake you up though . " " Can 't be any worse than what I 've had at home lately , " Amanda laughed . " Phillip is trying to help out in the morning by getting breakfast started , but he makes some of the worst coffee I 've ever had . " Francine laughed . " You know , I forget your boys aren 't small anymore . Drinking coffee already and everything . Times have changed . " The agent beside her was no longer the naive housewife of four years ago . The agent beside her was her friend . Francine opened her door . " I guess I 'd better get this over with . " Amanda exited the car and waited on the sidewalk while Francine locked up . " You know , " she told the blond , " you 're not alone in this . " " I know , " Francine acknowledged . " Thanks . " The pair walked into D . C . General and proceeded down to the basement to the morgue identification room . Lee returned to his apartment alone and put his keys on the table . As he walked to the bedroom and began to remove his shirt , he noticed the light on his answering machine . He pressed the ' replay ' button and listened to Billy 's voice asking him to call into the office . Lee walked to the couch , shirt hanging open , and picked up the phone to dial . " Hey , Billy , " Lee began , " What 's up ? It 's after midnight . I thought we were off duty for the weekend . " " I know , " replied the voice on the other end of the phone , " but I just came across a report from the morgue that I wanted to fill you in on . " " Let me guess . Jonathan ? " " Francine already called ? " Billy wasn 't really surprised . " What did you think ? She said you told her Amanda was here . Amanda went with her to I . D . the body . They just left here a few minutes ago . " " Amanda went ? " Billy was surprised with that . He hadn 't thought Francine would take Amanda King with her . " Whose idea was that ? " " Francine 's actually , " Lee told him . " I think beneath all of their bickering is a burgeoning friendship . " Billy laughed . " Well it 's been a long time coming and I wouldn 't have predicted it a few years ago , but I 'm glad for Francine . She 's going to need a good friend from what I 've been reading . " " What do you have ? " Lee wanted to know . " Preliminary listing of cause of death as suspicious . Markings on the victim indicating ritualistic marking or warning . " Billy sighed . " Looks like Jonathan was in over his head on something . Do you know what he 'd been up to lately ? " " No , " Lee admitted . " They stopped seeing each other near the end of the summer . Francine hasn 't said much , just the same old story of Jonathan having trouble with her commitment to her job . I think he had been doing some more courier work for the CIA , which just riled Francine up all the more . She kept saying that at least she had the training for what she did . " " Okay , Scarecrow . I 'll give the boys at Langley a call and see if I can come up with anything . For now I 'm keeping it unofficial . The tie to Francine is personal and nothing more . Let 's see how long that 'll hold . " " You can reach me at Amanda 's tomorrow , " Lee told his boss . " But I 'd really like some time with the boys this weekend . " " I know , Scarecrow . " Billy laughed . " I 'm sure they want to spend some time with you as well , even if you 're just ' Mom 's boyfriend ' right now . " " Someday , " Lee said almost wistfully . " Thanks for the update . " Lee sat down , leaned his head back on the couch and thought of his stepsons . He wished they knew how important they were to him , that they weren 't just part of a package but special in their own right . He 'd picked up on some of Jamie 's comments lately and wondered how much the younger boy knew or thought he knew . He had definitely been fishing lately , trying to figure out how serious the two of them were . Maybe it was getting time for him to have a talk with the boys , just the three of them . Let them know how much he cared for them and their mother . . . . Lee 's eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep where he was . Scene Five : IdenFrancine let out a sigh as the morgue attendant replaced the drawer . " It 's him , Amanda . Now what ? " Francine 's mask of professionalism was in place . It had been put firmly on the moment she entered the building ; the need to distance herself from the task at hand was overwhelming . " Did you notice the markings on his arm ? " Amanda didn 't know what to make of the cuts she saw on Jonathan 's left arm . They didn 't appear to be random , and she couldn 't figure out how he would have gotten them . " Yeah . " Francine flipped through the coroner 's report . " Looks like they were made after death but prior to the body being placed in the river . There 's something familiar about them , though . " Francine struggled to remember where she had seen them before but drew a blank . " You 're tired , " Amanda told her . " Do you want to head home ? " Francine nodded her assent . " Do you want me to drive ? " Francine handed the car keys to Amanda as she continued to leaf through the coroner 's report . " Thirty seven years reduced down to this , " she noted . " There 's just too much missing . " " Tomorrow , Francine . " Amanda led her friend from the room and to the elevator . " Tomorrow we 'll work on what 's missing and what we do know . " Francine nodded silently . The pair exited the building and walked to Francine 's car . They were both aware of the heavy security presence in the hospital parking lot and how out of place the two of them looked in Southeast D . C . in the early hours of the morning . Silently they seated themselves and drove away , each lost in thoughts that if shared would have surprised the other in their similarity . Scene Six : Saturday Morning , Maplewood Drive " Do you think she spent the whole night with him ? " Jamie asked his brother as he removed plates from the cabinet . " Maybe she 's just sleeping late . " Phillip answered . " I don 't think so . I knocked on her door three times . Mom 's not that heavy a sleeper . " " Maybe it was work , " Phillip told his younger brother . " She usually calls when it 's work , " Jamie reminded him . Phillip shrugged and returned his thoughts to the coffeepot . Was it one or two scoops of coffee per cup of water . . . he kept getting it confused . Looking into the filter and deciding that the pile looked too small , he decided to add a few more scoops for good measure . Why did they think he knew what he was doing ? It would have been easier if his grandmother had written down the directions , but then again , he realized , he hadn 't asked her to . The simultaneous ringing of the telephone and doorbell ended all thoughts and discussions on either the coffee or their mother . " Get the door , Jamie , " Phillip said as he picked up the phone . Lee followed Jamie back into the kitchen as Phillip was hanging up the phone . " Hey , Lee , " Phillip greeted the older man . " That was Mom . She said she 'd be home in about an hour , once her ride woke up . Said to tell you that Ms . Desmond was okay . " " Thanks , Phillip . I guess that answers my question about whether Amanda made it home or not . " Lee noticed that Jamie seemed puzzled , so he explained . " A friend from work got some bad news last night and your mom went over to keep her company for a while . Sounds like she fell asleep over there . " " Oh , " Jamie uttered simply as he opened the refrigerator for some milk . " Phillip made coffee . Are you feeling brave enough to try some ? " " Sure , " Lee answered as Phillip placed a mug in front of him . " Jamie , is there any cream in the fridge ? " Once Jamie took out the small carton and Lee added some to his coffee , he took a sip . Both boys watched intently as Lee forced down the mouthful . " Um , Phillip ? " " Yeah ? " " Just how much coffee did you use ? " Lee wanted to know as he walked over to the coff " And you 're drinking it ? " " Go on , have a cup . You just might be surprised . " " I 'm going to need some to stay awake today , that 's for sure . I think I got about three hours of sleep on Francine 's couch . It 's attractive , but it 's not comfortable . " Amanda fixed herself a cup of coffee , sugar , no cream , and returned to sit beside Lee . " Sorry I missed breakfast fellas , " she told the boys . " That 's okay . Is your friend okay ? " Jamie asked . " She will be . " Amanda debated with herself how much to tell the boys . Thinking back to her promise to be there for Francine as much as necessary , she decided to stay pretty close to the truth . " A good friend of hers was found dead last night , and she 's been pretty upset about it . She doesn 't have any family in the area , and she doesn 't really feel like being alone right now , so I said I 'd help out for a few days . " " Dead ? How ? " Phillip wanted details as only an almost - fifteen - year - old boy could . " We don 't know , right now . And that 's making it harder on her . " " Where 's your Grandmother ? " Amanda asked Jamie in an attempt to change the subject . " She 's upstairs getting ready for her weekend trip , " he told his mother . " She 's been packing all morning . " " I don 't think it 'll all fit in Aunt Lillian 's car , " Phillip added . " Where are they going , anyway ? " Lee asked . " Up to New York to see a couple of shows and to shop , " Amanda reminded him . " Mother will be back Monday evening . " " So it 's just us for the weekend ? " " Sort of , " Amanda began . " I told Francine I 'd meet her after lunch and help go through some of Jonathan 's stuff . " " I didn 't know she had any of it anymore . " " She doesn 't , " Amanda began , " but she still has a key to his place . " " Will we see you for dinner ? " Lee was surprised that he found himself looking forward to the afternoon alone with the boys . " Yeah , I 'll make it back by then . " She turned to Phillip and Jamie who had remained quiet during the brief discussion . " Think you guys can manage okay this afternoon ? " " We 'll be fine , Mom . We won 't even pick on Lee , " Jamie told her . " Much , " Phillip added under his breath but with a smile on his face . " Well , I 'm going to grab a shower . Lee , can you run out and get some lunch stuff ? " " No problem . " " Take my car . You might need it later . I 'll use yours , if that 's okay . " Phillip and Jamie looked at each other as their mother went upstairs and Lee exited the house . " You know , " Phillip began , " Dean always seemed to get upset if we were supposed to do stuff and Mom cancelled at the last minute . " " Yeah , " Jamie acknowledged . " It 's kind of nice that Lee seems to think it 's okay if it 's just us . " " Yeah . . . who knows . . . maybe . . . . " Phillip just looked at his brother . " It wouldn 't be bad , " Jamie conceded . " No , it wouldn 't be . Hey , are you done with the sports section yet ? " Scene Seven : Jonathan 's Apartment " Francine ? Are you in here ? " Amanda entered the apartment through the unlocked door . " Yeah , Amanda . I 'm in the bedroom . " As Amanda entered , she noticed Francine on the floor by the bed . The bed was covered in piles of papers and files , and Francine was sorting through other papers on the floor and adding them to the piles on the bed . " I 've found a whole lot of nothing and just a few pieces that could be interesting . " " Such as ? " " Well , looks like Jonathan was working with the CIA again . This stuff isn 't exactly classified , but I 'm surprised they let him take it home . " " Do you think they knew ? " Amanda was wondering if Jonathan had stumbled onto something he shouldn 't have . " That he was keeping his own records ? I don 't know . " Francine let out a low whistle . " Let me correct that , I doubt they did given what this is . " She scanned the single page in her hand . " I thought the Congressional hearings had put an end to this . " " To what ? " Amanda approached Francine and looked over her shoulder at the paper . " Gun running for the freedom fighters , " Francine answered . " Looks like there was a little contingent at Langley who decided to continue the effort . " She pointed to the paragraphs that described travel plans and packaging . " How in the world did Jonathan get involved in this ? He never struck me as a ' true believer ' , " Amanda noted . " I don 't know . " Francine continued to read the report she held in her hands while Amanda began to look through the few desk drawers that still contained items . " Oh my gosh , " Amanda said softly . She flipped through the pages several times to make sure of what she was reading . " Francine , you 'd better take a look at these . " Amanda handed the pages to Francine . " Bank statements ? " Francine scanned down the page . " Automatic deductions for car , mortgage , condo fees . . . . Good grief , I had no idea this place was so pricey ! " " Keep looking , " Amanda said quietly . Francine turned to the second page of the first statement and saw what Amanda made reference to . " These are huge cash deposits , Amanda . " " They 're the only type of deposits he 's been making for the last four months , Francine . " Amanda knew they 'd have to get the Agency involved . She looked over at Francine and saw the other woman knew it too . " Do you want me to call Billy or do you want to ? " " Why don 't you call it in , Amanda ? I 'll keep sorting through these papers so that when Billy sends a team out here they don 't trash this place any more than we 've already done . " Amanda picked up the phone and watched Francine for a few seconds before beginning to dial . " Are you okay ? " Francine 's professional mask had been in place all day - a distinct change from the woman who cried herself to sleep the night before . " I will be . Right now this is business . Go on , call Billy , " Francine sighed . She watched while Amanda picked up the phone . Francine had to admit that Amanda had been more help than she had expected . She had lent strength , a sympathetic ear , and even a good eye on the bank statements . Their work hadn 't been subject to the teasing that Scarecrow would have given for Francine still keeping a key to Jonathan 's place nor the patronizing looks that she remembered him giving her last spring when Jonathan had returned . Lee had been right about her relationship with Jonathan , Francine conceded to herself . Jonathan had been unable to be comfortable in a long - term relationship with an independent woman . It was interesting for Francine to note that the Scarecrow apparently had no such difficulty . She smiled to herself , realizing that even a year ago she would have been hesitant to use those adjectives to describe Amanda King . But the words did fit , for both of them and in slightly different ways . Amanda hung up the phone and cleared her throat . " Billy said he 'd have a team over here within the hour . Once they arrive he wants to see both of us in his office . " " How did he sound ? " " Worried , " Amanda admitted . " He knows something , but he wouldn 't say anything over the phone , so it will just have to wait until we get down there . " Scene Eight : IFF , Late Afternoon Saturday Billy Melrose looked up from his desk and noticed the two women entering the bullpen . He hated having them both working on this holiday weekend , the start of Francine 's vacation , but he knew it was unavoidable . He rose from his chair and walked to the door of his office . " Francine , Amanda , " he called to them . " Grab some coffee and come on in . " " Do you want a cup , sir ? " Amanda asked . " No , thank you , Amanda . I think five is my limit for now . " Billy returned to his desk and opened the two top folders while he waited for the women to enter and be seated . " We just left the team at Jonathan 's apartment , " Francine told him . " Robins has my key , and he said he 'd make sure he locked up once they finished . " " I 'm sorry , Francine , " Billy told her . " I was surprised when you mentioned that you were going to the morgue to ID the body . " " I was surprised they called me , " she admitted . " I didn 't know Jonathan still had anything with my name on it on him at all . " Billy took a paper from one of the files and passed it to her . " This is a copy of what he had in his pocket . It was a laminated card of some sort , which is why it held up in the river . " " This isn 't his writing , Billy . " Francine noted . " Is it yours ? " Billy thought the printing looked masculine . " No , and I don 't recognize it at all . " " Sir ? Maybe someone involved in what happened to Jonathan wanted to get Francine involved , " Amanda mentioned . " Why ? " Francine wondered . " Were they trying to warn me off something ? They obviously didn 't know we weren 't seeing each other , or even speaking to each other any longer . " " Maybe it was someone trying to get you involved professionally , " Amanda mused . Billy and Francine looked at her , urging her to continue her thoughts aloud . " Well , we 've found out there 's a connection with the CIA but it doesn 't seem to be officially sanctioned . Maybe someone was involved and uncomfortable and didn 't know of any internal way to get someone to look into what was going on . " " Did you come up with any names ? " Francine asked Billy . " Actually , " Billy smiled , " I called in a few favors and came up with three names . They 're not ringing any bells with me , but maybe the two of you recognize them . " He passed each of the women a copy of the names he had been given earlier . " Bill Thompson , Henry Thorne , Joe Williamson , " Amanda read . " They don 't sound familiar to me . Should I do some searching to see if they turn up anywhere in any Agency files ? " Billy nodded and was about to speak when Francine interrupted . " Henry Thorne , " she mused aloud . " Why is that name sounding familiar ? " She stood up and paced the small office while Billy and Amanda watched her . Suddenly she stopped and turned to her Section Chief . " Billy , can you pull up the case files from the Brody incident last spring ? " Billy entered a few keystrokes into his computer and read through the paragraph that appeared on his screen . " Good memory , Desmond , " he complimented . " He was only peripherally involved with the active part of the case , but he did most of the CIA follow - up after Brody had been arrested . " " So he had a connection to Jonathan from then , and he knew of our relationship and my job . " " What 's he up to now , sir ? " Amanda asked . " The information I have has him listed as on administrative leave for personal reasons . Amanda , do you have a few hours ? " Billy felt bad asking her to stay for the evening but knew she was the best person to find out this kind of information . " Let me just call home and tell them I won 't be there for dinner . " She smiled at Billy . " Lee 's with the boys . I 'm glad they all like takeout . " Billy laughed as Amanda rose and left the office . Once she was gone he turned to face the remaining agent . " What 's that look for , Desmond ? " Francine shook her head . " Every now and then I get this fleeting thought that he might be in it for the long haul . But then I have to remind myself that it 's Lee Stetson we 're talking about and I hope to hell he doesn 't hurt her too much when it 's all over . " Billy put his hands together , fingertips touching , and smiled at her . " He just might surprise you , Francine . But it 's nice to see you having genuine concern for his partner . " " She 's a good agent , Billy , " Francine admitted . " And she 's been a good friend . " " Do you want anyone else working with you on this ? " Billy asked her . " No , not right now . Between the team you 've activated that 's at Jonathan 's and Amanda and myself I think we can cover most everything . What 's my next step ? " " I want you to trace down those other two agents : Thompson and Williamson . And check in with Robins and his boys once they finish at the apartment . " Billy cleared his throat and pulled another page from one of the folders on his desk . " There 's one other thing , " he began . " What ? " Francine didn 't like the look on Billy 's face , and she liked even less the picture he handed her . " Where is this from ? " " Markings on the arms of some of the drug runners captured in Miami last month in an FBI sting . " " They match the cuts on Jonathan 's arm . " " Almost , " Billy told her . " These were on the workers right arms . Jonathan 's left arm was cut , which is consistent with what was found on one of the snitches in the ring . " " Billy , " Francine began , " that snitch ? " " Found in Miami harbor , " Billy told her . " Dead . " " Just like Jonathan ? " Billy nodded and passed the rest of the second folder to her . " This is the Miami Coroner 's Report . Can you compare it to the one you got last night ? " Billy waited . " I can have Amanda do it . " " No , I can do it . Lord knows I 've done enough of these before . " Francine rose from the chair and went to the door . " Just remember when this is all over I want my vacation . I 'm going to need it . " " You can have as much time as you need , Francine , once this is over . " " Thanks , Billy . " Scene Nine : Maplewood Drive , Saturday Evening Lee hung up the phone and turned to the boys . " Looks like it 's just us for dinner . Your mom 's not going to be back until late . " " Can we go out to eat ? " Jamie asked . " I can cook , " Phillip told his brother . " I think going out would be a good treat . " Lee remembered Amanda 's description of Phillip 's dinner from two weeks prior . While she mentioned his improvement over the dinners of last spring , Lee wasn 't feeling particularly brave . " Where do you want to go ? " " Well , there 's this driving range out on Route 7 that some of the kids from school have mentioned , " Jamie began . " Golf ? " Lee was surprised . He didn 't know either of the boys was interested in golf . " Dad 's taken me out to Jefferson in Falls Church a couple of times , " Jamie admitted , " but I 'm not very good . " " Besides , " Phillip teased , " Jamie thinks if he can do this maybe he can impress some of the girls at school . " " I 'm not really into soccer , and baseball doesn 't start until spring , " Jamie conceded . " It seemed like something I might like to do . " " And there 's no way he 'll make the basketball team when he gets to high school , " Phillip noted . " I 'm going to try out this year , but I don 't think I 'll even make it . " " Well , it 's been a while since I 've swung a club , " Lee told Jamie . " Phillip , are you up for it ? " " Sure , I guess . We can grab some burgers on the way there . " " Let 's head out then . Maybe your mom will be back by the time we finish up . " Lee grabbed Amanda 's extra set of keys for the Wagoneer and left with the boys . Scene Ten : Maplewood Drive , Late Saturday Night Amanda quietly let herself into the house and walked into the family room . She smiled as she saw Lee 's sleeping figure sprawled on the couch . Very carefully , so as not to disturb him , she walked around the couch and leaned over . Slowly and softly she trailed small kisses across his face and down his neck . " Mmm . . . hi , " he told her drowsily as he put his arms around her and pulled her onto the couch with him . " Hi yourself , " she laughed softly . " Looks like you fell asleep . " " I was waiting for my wife , but she never got home . " " Never , huh ? " " That 's what it seemed like . " " She 's home now . " " And the boys are asleep , " Lee added with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes . " And we should be too , " Amanda told him . " You in your own bed and me in mine . " " Amanda , " Lee sighed in frustration . " I know , I know , " she told him . " But I 'm not getting caught on the couch by my sons , and I 'm not sneaking you upstairs to get caught in an even worse situation . " " We 're married ! " " But they don 't even think we 're engaged , " she reminded him . Lee sat up and took hold of her hands . " They 're getting curious though , " he told her . " I don 't think they knew what to make of today : you being gone and me being here the whole time . " " Speaking of today , what did you all do anyway ? " " Hung out , did guy stuff , " Lee teased her . " Jamie wanted to go to a driving range this evening so we did that . Apparently Joe is trying to teach him to golf . " " Joe always did like to play when he had time . It would be good for the two of them to have something in common to do , " Amanda told him . " But what about Phillip ? He doesn 't strike me as being patient enough to stand around hitting golf balls . Not enough action for him , " she mused . " Oh , I think he found plenty of action at the snack bar tonight , " Lee laughed . " The driving range is quite a high school hang out , and your son was working on his social skills . " " I don 't think I want to hear this ! " " Actually , I was pretty impressed . He was a genuinely nice guy , and the girls seemed to appreciate it . " " Nope , " Lee told her as he stroked her upper arm gently . " Just went in to get some drinks for Jamie and myself and happened to notice . I don 't even think he saw me . " " Well , you are good . " " So are you . " Lee leaned over and gave his wife a long , slow kiss . " Are you sure you want to kick me out ? What happened today anyway ? " " Long story . Do you mind if I tell you over breakfast ? I don 't have to meet Billy and Francine until nine . " Lee groaned . " Another day working ? " " Yeah , and you 're the one with the free weekend , Scarecrow . Who 'd have thought ? " Amanda smiled . " By the way , Billy said to give you this . " She handed him a sealed envelope and watched while he opened it . " He must be feeling guilty , " Lee noted . " Redskins ' tickets for tomorrow afternoon . Fifty yard line . Think the boys will be interested ? " " Gee , I don 't know , " Amanda teased him . " They might have homework that needs to be done . " She laughed softly at the expression on his face . " They 'll be in the car within seconds of you mentioning it , I 'm sure . Have fun . " Amanda stood and pulled Lee up with her . " But it really is late . " " I 'm going , I 'm going . " Lee walked to the door , his arm around Amanda 's waist . " I guess you 'll be wanting my car again tomorrow ? " " It 'll be in good hands , I promise . Besides , there is no way you can get both boys into it . You 'll just have to content yourself with driving a family car again . " " I think I 'll survive . " Lee turned to face her . He softly stroked the side of her face . " I actually had a good day today , " he noted shaking his head . " I wish I didn 't have to leave . " " I love you , " Amanda whispered as she reached up to kiss him good night . " I love you too , Mrs . Stetson , " he whispered back . " Someday you will tell me that and we will both walk up those stairs together . " " Someday , " Amanda agreed . " But not today , " she amended sadly . She stood in the doorway and watched while Lee walked to his car . Turning away once he had gone , she closed the door and sighed . ' Someday , ' she told herself . Scene Eleven : IFF , Sunday Morning " I 'm going to go talk to Kathleen Thorne in person later this morning , " Amanda told Billy and Francine . " Lee said he remembers that she used to work at the CIA before she got married . She might have picked up on something from her husband 's behavior . " " When did she see him last ? " Francine wanted to know . " About two months ago , " Amanda replied . " He told her he had to go out of the country on business , which is odd given his business excuse is that he 's not working due to personal reasons . " Her brief conversation with Mrs . Thorne had left Amanda quite curious . " Not that odd for the CIA , " Billy reminded her . " But the more we dig up , the more I 'm certain that whatever was going on was NOT officially sanctioned . We have permission from Langley to see what comes up . They seem to be a little distrustful of an internal investigation at this point . " " Wonder why , " Francine muttered under her breath . Billy ignored her and continued . " Amanda , we matched the marks on Jonathan 's arm with those found on a snitch who had infiltrated that Miami drug ring . The coroners ' reports on causes of death read like exact copies . So be careful . It looks like this could get messy very fast . I want you armed the entire time you are working on this case . " " Yes , sir , " Amanda answered . She didn 't like carrying a gun , but after all she had heard the past day and a half , she knew she would feel more comfortable with one . " The other thing to note , " Francine interjected , " is I don 't think we should trust Thompson or Williamson . Both have had large deposits to their accounts over the last six months , and both have been overheard making disparaging remarks about the congressional hearings over Iran Contra . " Amanda cleared her throat . " I got the guys in graphology to make up this note for me . " She handed a page to Billy and Francine . " They used the card that we got off of Jonathan but turned it into a grocery list . I 'm going to run it by Mrs . Thorne to see if she recognizes the handwriting . " " I agree , " Billy told her . " Right now it looks like he was trying to get us information . Good luck Amanda . " " No . I 've got a bit more digging I want to do on Williamson specifically . Why don 't we check back in about lunch time ? " " Sounds good , " Amanda answered and Billy nodded as well . Scene Twelve : Northern Virginia Neighborhood " What do we have on Kathleen Thorne from when she was working ? " Amanda asked into the car phone . " Something doesn 't feel right . " Amanda thought over her conversation with the former operative . The other woman had claimed to not recognize the handwriting sample Amanda had shown her and had denied that there was anything strange with respect to her husband 's disappearance . Amanda knew she had no hard reason to distrust Kathleen Thorne , but something about the look in the other woman 's eyes when she spoke about her husband didn 't sit right . ' There 's no way I would have been that calm or disinterested if we were discussing Lee , ' Amanda told herself . ' And when I tried to suggest that maybe her husband was involved in something not on the up and up , she was way too matter of fact in her denial of the possibility . ' The voice on the other end of the phone brought Amanda back to the present . " Thanks , Mr . Melrose . I 'll check back in a few hours to pick up the file . By the way , do you know where Francine was headed this morning ? I 'm done early so I thought I might give her a hand . " Amanda wrote down the list of addresses Francine was to be checking out , thanked the Section Chief , and hung up the car phone . Slowly she pulled the car onto the road and headed into the city . Scene Thirteen : Warehouses One and Two , Southeast D . C . Francine Desmond shook her head in disgust as she walked back to her car . ' Swept clean , ' she said to herself . ' I know I 'm on the right trail , but I don 't know what I 'm looking for . ' Upon entering her car , she locked the door before putting on her seatbelt . Southeast on a Sunday afternoon was definitely safer than after dark , but she knew that she looked out of place , and despite the gun she carried on her waist she still felt nervous . She picked up the car phone to call Billy but noted with disgust that she could not get a signal . ' Guess I 'll just drive over to the next warehouse , ' she thought . ' Maybe there 'll be less interference once I 'm moving . ' The second warehouse on Francine 's list was located only blocks from R . F . K . Stadium . Francine grimaced as found an alley to park in and noted to herself that getting out was going to be difficult the closer it got to kickoff . She exited her car , checked her gun , and looked around with a trained eye . Finally , Francine admitted to herself that yes , she would be more comfortable if she had waited for Amanda . But Amanda was probably still having coffee with Kathleen Thorne , and Francine was impatient to find out how Jonathan had gotten himself so deeply involved in whatever it was that got him killed . Slowly she walked to the main door of the warehouse and found it locked . Noting the absence of pedestrian traffic , she circled the building until she came to a back entrance . Carefully and quietly she released the locking mechanism and entered the building . Francine looked around and noted that the large room she entered was almost entirely empty ; a few chairs and a table were on the far side . Nonetheless , it did not appear to be cleaned recently . As a breeze blew through the small windows near the roof , a distinctly unpleasant odor assailed her nostrils . Francine picked her way through the trash on the floor and made her way to the stairs at the far end of the room . The stench appeared to be stronger as she approached . A single door at the top of the stairs led to what must have been the main office . Francine held her breath at the stronger stench as she looked around the room quickly . Bare phone and electrical wires protruded from the wall where faceplates once were . Two large file cabinets blocked the single window , and an old overstuffed chair sat in front of a metal closet . Francine moved the chair out of the way and opened the closet . She immediately regretted her decision as the odor assailed her . " Henry Thorne , " she whispered as she saw the face of the dead man as he rolled out of the now opened closet . " And by the smell of you , it 's been a few days . " Francine turned to the file cabinets , curious to see if t " Francine Desmond ? Afraid of a little dead body ? " Amanda teased . " Not afraid of it , but he 's been up there long enough that he stinks ! " She shook her head , barely able to realize how far the woman next to her had come to be able to tease in a situation such as this . Francine watched as Amanda proceeded her out the door and hurried slightly as she heard a slight groan . " Amanda ? " she asked , and then her world , too , went black . Scene Fourteen : Near Robert F . Kennedy Stadium , Southeast D . C . Lee maneuvered the large vehicle through the stadium - bound traffic and sighed . ' Phillip was right , ' he told himself , ' we should have taken Metro . ' As they traveled slowly on the crowded and beat up streets that made up one of the District 's less pleasant neighborhoods , Lee kept his eyes on the cars around him and reminded himself to breathe deeply . So engrossed was he in keeping his temper in check , he didn 't notice the silver sports car parked in the nearby alleyway . " Hey , Lee , " Phillip yelled , " Isn 't that your car back there ? " " What ? " Lee braked hard and received a loud honk from the car behind him . Slowly he resumed the pressure on the accelerator . " Where ? " " That alleyway back there , " Phillip pointed . " Between those old warehouses . " " What would Mom be doing down in this neighborhood ? " Jamie wondered . ' Nothing good , ' Lee answered to himself . " I 'm sure it was just a look - a - like car , " he said aloud and vowed to make a phone call as soon as they reached the stadium . Twenty minutes later the car was parked and the party of three walked toward R . F . K . Stadium . " Hey guys , why don 't you go up and get seated ? " He handed each boy a twenty . " Go get some food and stuff , and I 'll meet you in a little bit . " Greed won out over confusion , and the two teens ran ahead while Lee made his way to the security office to check in with the Agency . Scene Fifteen : Alleyway , Warehouse Two Lee paced back and forth as he waited for the Agency cars to arrive . Amanda 's keys were in his car , and Francine 's car was locked . Neither woman was in the area , and the warehouse itself was now empty . " I hate home games , " Billy growled as he slammed the car door . " It never should have taken us this long to get here . What do we have , Scarecrow ? " " Here ? Not much , " Lee admitted . " If Phillip hadn 't seen my car in the alley we 'd have even less . " " Any sign of Amanda or Francine ? " " Nothing . Amanda 's keys are still in the ' Vette , and Francine 's car is locked . The warehouse is empty , although it looks as if something or someone was recently dragged out of the upstairs office . When did you talk to her last ? " " Amanda called in about two hours ago , " Billy answered as he tried to stay calm for his agents . " She wanted me to dig up anything I could on Kathleen Thorne , and she said she was going to meet up with Francine . " " I hope she did , " Lee sighed . " At least if they 're together . . . . " " They 're both good agents , Lee . One of them is a VERY good agent . " Billy smiled . " What did you find out ? " " It appears that Mrs . Thorne never cut her CIA ties . In fact , the deposits in their joint account have been traced to her name , not his . " Lee let out a long , soft whistle . " And ? " He knew Billy had more . " And she 's been doing a fair amount of traveling to our southern neighbors with Jonathan in tow , " Billy confirmed . " I think she was our missing link , and when her husband found out , he tried to warn Jonathan . When that didn 't work , I suspect he tried to get the word out some other way . " " The paper in his wallet ? " Billy nodded . " We just got confirmation that despite his wife 's denial , the handwriting is a match . " " So where are Francine and Amanda ? " Lee raked his hand through his hair and resumed his pacing . " I wish I had been more awake this morning when Amanda was filling me in on what she had been up to . " Billy raised an eyebrow but said nothing . Lee noticed his look and clarified . " I was out with the boys pretty late last night , and we met for an early breakfast . Someone , " he glared at Billy , " told her she had to be in by nine this morning . " At that moment , one of the agents who had been going through the building walked up . " Mr . Melrose ? We think we have something . " " What is it ? " Billy and Lee asked simultaneously . The agent held out a dirty stiletto in a plastic bag . " This was in the upstairs office , wrapped in a rag in the closet . From the smell of the closet , I 'd say someone was holding a body there and from the look of this knife , I 'd guess it had been used on the body . " Billy examined the knife . " This could have made the cuts . . . " " On Jonathan 's arm , " Lee finished up . " Billy , where did the D . C . police pull the car out of the river ? " " About a half mile east of where the dinner cruise boats dock . " " Let 's get over there , NOW ! " Lee got into the Jeep and Billy followed suit . Scene Sixteen : Waterfront , Southeast D . C . ' Cold , ' was the thought that entered her mind first . Her feet were cold . No , wait . . . her feet were wet . Amanda opened her eyes and took in her surroundings quickly . Car , river , wet . . . bad . . . very , very bad . " Francine ! Francine , wake up ! " Amanda rubbed Francine 's arm and then her face . Finally the other woman groaned and then opened her eyes . " We 're in the river ! " Francine exclaimed . She was still woozy as she tried to straighten up . " Good guess , " was Amanda 's reply . " Any ideas how we get out of this ? " " I 'm thinking , I 'm thinking . " Francine didn 't add that she couldn 't do much more given the way she had been handcuffed , but Amanda 's look told her she knew it to be true . Lee parked Amanda 's car in the small gravel lot by the beaten - up pier . Billy pulled up next to him and motioned the agent over . " We 've got a team heading to Andrews . Looks like Thorne 's wife is trying to get a ride on a military plane headed south . " " Will they get there in time ? " Lee wanted to know . Billy looked at his watch . " They should . They 'll call in shortly to confirm , but the orders are to deliver her to Langley . Looks like CIA wants to take care of this one . " " Probably for the best , " admitted Lee . " I don 't think I want to get my hands on her . What about the other two ? Thompson and who ? " Lee was walking to the end of the dock , scanning the water as they spoke . " Williamson , " Billy answered him as he jogged to keep up . " Scarecrow , " Billy touched the agent 's arm . " Over there ! " He pointed to the roof of a car , midway out in the river . Lee ran the remaining distance to the end of the dock , picked up a diving mask and tank that was laying there , and dove into the water without saying another word . Billy began to speak into his portable radio unit , ordering the agents to the nearby rubber boats and wet suits to assist with the rescue . Inside the car , Amanda was searching frantically for something to use to open the car doors before they were completely under water . Francine was mostly useless , having been cuffed behiOnce they were on land , Lee continued to hold Amanda tightly , as if trying to reassure himself that she was in fact okay . He noticed that his breathing was more rapid than hers , and it made him smile and shake his head . After a minute , Amanda pulled away slightly and looked up into her husband 's eyes . " Thanks , " she whispered . " We were starting to get a little worried down there . " " I was a lot worried out here , " he admitted . " If Phillip hadn 't seen my car down that alleyway . . . . " He left the thought unfinished as he felt her shudder . " Phillip ? Lee , where are the boys ? " Amanda began to become more aware of her surroundings and the sun dipping in the western sky . " They 're . . . Oh No ! They 're still at the stadium ! " " Is the game still going on ? " Amanda didn 't know whether to laugh or yell at him . Lee looked at his watch and made a face . " Be right back , " he told her as he ran over to where Billy was standing . Amanda watched him talk to the Section Chief and then go to the Agency car and pull out the car phone . As he spoke , she watched his body relax , and when he finished he had a grin on his face . " I don 't think they 'll notice I 'm not around , " he told her as he walked to her and held her hands . " What did you do ? " " Well , I called over to the stadium and asked a favor of an old friend , " Lee admitted . " Who 's the old friend ? " Amanda was curious . " Let 's just say that the boys will get some locker room autographs . And by the way , the ' Skins just beat Saint Louis 28 to 21 . " Lee smiled . " Come on , let 's get you squared away with Billy , and I 'll go get the boys and meet you at home later . " " Home ? " Amanda queried . She admitted she liked it when Lee referred to her house in that manner . She smiled . " Sounds like a plan . " Looking around , she noticed most of the agents were involved in conversations and paperwork . Amanda leaned up and gave Lee a kiss . " I can probably thank you even better later , " she whispered . " I 'm going to hold you to that , " he told her as he turned and began walking to the Wagoneer . As he gFrancine sat on her couch sipping a glass of wine and thumbing through old photographs . Most of the pictures contained only scenery , but a few held pictures of her coworkers and friends . She noted with a sigh that relatively few from this past year contained Jonathan . It was probably for the best , she realized . He could not accept her choices , and looking back at all she had learned over the past forty - eight hours she realized that she wasn 't too fond of some of the choices he himself had made . Kathleen Thorne . The name made Francine shudder . One dead husband , one dead lover , millions of dollars in drug money used to purchase arms illegally . ' Oh Jonathan , ' Francine wondered , ' what did she promise you ? ' Even now , she couldn 't picture Jonathan agreeing with Kathleen 's philosophies , but she had never pictured him as that gullible a man to take such risks for mere sex either . Francine picked up a photograph taken in the early part of the summer . It showed her and Jonathan dancing at a reception at the British Embassy . Francine had coordinated security and had managed time for only one dance . The photographer captured their mood well , she thought . One harried agent , one frustrated date . Staring at the picture Francine noticed , for the first time , the couple in the background . The woman 's back was to the camera , but her head was lifted slightly as if to catch something her dance partner had whispered . The man was looking down at the woman with an expression Francine realized she had never before noticed on that particular person . It was an expression that reminded her of the looks her father used to give her mother : one of total love and contentment . She remembered seeing that look on her father 's face even as her parents danced at their fortieth wedding anniversary party . The road less traveled . Francine remembered the poem by Robert Frost and thought how it applied to more than just herself . Sure , she had taken a less than traditional path in her life . Yes , her father had urged it , seeing something |
Caution : This Drama Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Romantic , Heterosexual , Fiction , Tear Jerker , Workplace , Doctor / Nurse , Slow , Desc : Drama Sex Story : Chapter 1 - Peter Elliot Hamilton is a man adrift . Estranged from the place he grew up , the family that betrayed him and a life that was torn away , he 's searched for a sense of home that he could call his own , until the past he left behind finally catches up to him . Codes are used sparingly if I felt the element wasn 't important . " Hey ! Ham ! Phone 's for you ! " my boss shouted from the office . I looked up from my lunch confused . No one should be calling me at work . Hell , no one should be calling me period . I stuffed the last of my sandwich in my mouth and trudged toward the office in a hurry . Dave didn 't like having the line tied up , especially for personal calls . When I went inside , he nodded at the desk at the far end of the trailer where we had a few computers and a set of the blueprints laid out . We were building a housing development . In reality , we were slapping together yuppie habitats for next year 's suburban expansion . Forget the fact that there was a housing development on the other side of Austin that was filled with abandoned houses that they couldn 't give away after the mortgage crash . The developer here swore that we had a whole new housing market and he was poised to cash in . I thought about all this in the few seconds it took to cross the room and pick up the phone off the desk . I pushed the line that was on hold and answered the call . " This is Ham , " I said worried . The only people who knew to reach me here were either HERE or Mrs . Sanchez , my landlady . That meant there was a problem with my place and it was an emergency for her to call me at work . Instead of answering , I hung up the phone . I didn 't quite run outside , but I didn 't linger either . When Dave came outside , I was throwing up over the side of the steps . " You get some bad news ? " he asked . Dave was a good guy . He generally left well - enough alone , but I was the one guy on the crew that never called in sick , never showed up late or drunk or high , never started shit on the job and never brought outside shit to the job . . . until today , that is . I just nodded and heaved the rest of my lunch up wetly . Thank God I 'd opted for peanut butter this morning and not tuna . Dave lit a smoke and kept an eye on me until I was empty . When it looked like I was done barfing , he asked what was wrong . " You running from something , Ham ? " he asked pointedly . " I run a clean crew . I don 't discriminate against ex - cons , but if you 're on the run , I can 't keep you , you know that . " I shook my head again . " Nothing like that , Dave , " I assured him . " I just left Denver without leaving a forwarding address , if you know what I mean . I didn 't want anything from my old life and no one from my old life wanted me . Don 't know why Billy called me or how he tracked me down here , but he 's got nothing to say that I want to hear . " Dave shrugged . " Family are strange like that , " he said softly , taking a drag off his smoke while he talked . " They 're more likely to hound you ' til they have their say and then hound you ' til you knuckle under . You got two choices , really . You can keep runnin ' or you can stand your ground . Whatever happened in Denver , musta been bad if you walked out on family . Sometimes they ain 't much , but by and large , they 're all we can count on . " " So what 're you gonna do then ? " he asked , finishing off his smoke and flicking it into the bucket full of water that was sitting at the bottom of the steps for just this purpose . " Run or stand ? You 're a good worker , Ham . I 'd hate to lose you , but you could do this work for this wage pretty much anywhere in the country . On the other hand , you 'd have to leave your life here behind . You have some friends , you know your way around , you 're pretty senior on the crew . You 'd have to start from scratch somewhere else if you left . Think about it . " " Good , " he said . " Take the rest of the day off . There 's no way I want you operating a nail - gun if you 're this messed up . " I was about to argue , but I saw the look on his face and nodded . " Thanks , Dave , " I said quietly instead . " I appreciate you looking out for me . " " You ? " he asked surprised . " I was thinking about the crew . If you drilled your hand with the gun by accident , Larry 'd piss his pants , Clyde 'll pass out and Jerry would absolutely start talking about getting a lawyer and suing the company . " He was smiling a little when he said it , but he might as well have thrown his arms around me and hugged me for days . I could tell he was worried about me . I laughed and then went to pack up . I got in my truck and pulled out of the job site for the drive home . On the way , I turned on the radio and started to think about how this had all started for me . Linda Cooper had been my high school sweetheart . We 'd met when she was a freshman and I was a year ahead of her . We we fell in love and we were inseparable until I went away to college . I 'd gotten an academic scholarship to UCLA . It was too far to come home for the weekends , but close enough that I 'd still hear all the hometown news . . . or so I thought . I came home at Christmas and things were off . I shook it off as people just being used to me being gone from the house , since it faded after a few days . That feeling never quite went away though . I suppose I should go into the backgrounds a bit . My name is Peter Hamilton . I used to get called Petey , growing up , but since I left Denver that last time , I 'd started going by Ham . At the moment I 'd gotten in my truck , I was 24 . I had a younger brother named Billy who 'd just cost me a peanut butter sandwich and had cost me a whole lot more over the years . I also had an older brother named Mike . Mikey , Petey and Billy . Mike was two years older than me and Billy was two years younger . I 'd been eager to see Linda during my time at UCLA . I wasn 't living like a monk , but I kept my party time to Friday nights and I never got so drunk that I woke up with missing time . I also never woke up next to a girl . I got to be something of a joke on campus for never hooking up . I had Linda waiting for me though , so I took it as well as I could . I looked at him strangely . " No , " I said , like it was the only possible answer . " I have Linda here waiting for me . I 'm not gonna cheat on her . I 'd rather get hit by a truck than break her heart like that . " He looked disappointed for a minute . " For real ? " he asked , incredulous . " It 's not like she 'd ever find out , right ? Never even looked ? " I shrugged . " She probably wouldn 't find out , but I 'd know I did it and I 'd feel like she deserved better than some asshole that 's gonna hook up behind her back . " I smiled at him . " You 'll understand someday . You 'll meet a girl that 's worth more to you than all the random hookups in the world and you 'll do the same . " Dad worked in construction as a foreman and Mike worked with him . We 'd all worked with him during the summers , but Mike had gone full - time . He had his own apartment at this point , but frequently came home for dinner since there was always a place set for him . I noticed that he was a little warmer to me than he 'd been before I went to college , but that was just an addition to the strange little behaviors I was picking up on all day . Mom kept giving me worried looks , but she smiled whenever she saw me looking . None of it sank in though . I just assumed she was worried that I wasn 't eating right . I 'd dropped a little weight after initially picking up some of the " freshman fifteen " , so she was commenting that I looked thin . " Good mostly , " I said with a grin . I was happy to be back . I 'd tried to call Linda to see if she wanted to come for dinner , but I hadn 't been able to get through , so it was just the five of us . " My life 's not nearly as exciting as Billy was hoping , but I 'm sure he 'll get over it . " It went like that for about a week . I finally got together with Linda , but things seemed strained . She wasn 't used to having me around all the time . We spent a few days together and then her parents were taking her to have Christmas with her grandparents in Kansas City , so I wouldn 't see her again until just before New Years . We exchanged Christmas presents and said goodbye . We were both extremely sad , but there wasn 't much either of us could do about it . I put her gift under the tree when I got home and went to my room . I 'd been looking forward to spending time with Linda , but she was stuck going out of town . I was moody and withdrawn for the rest of the day , busying myself with some of the reading for next semester and trying not to hate her parents for keeping us apart . " I know , " I said sadly . " It just sucks . I 've waited for months to be near her and her parents turn around and decide to drive to Kansas City to have Christmas with her grandparents . I was hoping to have more time with her . " She blinked at that . " Oh , " she said , sounding a little surprised . " I thought you two might have had a fight since you 've been up here since you came home . " I shook my head . " No , nothing like that . Just . . . I was really looking forward to seeing her and now I 'm only going to get a couple of days with her before I go back . " By Christmas Eve , things were mostly normal . Billy was spending the evening with his girlfriend 's family for their tradition and I was glad he 'd found someone . I remember hoping that he 'd find the same thing that I had with Linda and being happy for him . He said that she wasn 't ready to face the family here yet , but he was sure that I 'd meet her soon enough . My mood sunk even lower at that revelation and I found myself sitting at home alone for the countdown . Mom and Dad went to a work party every year and Mike went with them with his new girlfriend . Billy had his New Years out with his girl and I had the Times Square countdown to keep me company . I got back on the plane to LA two days later . Linda sent me a text saying that they were on their way back and asked what time my flight was . She confirmed that she 'd be getting in about an hour after I took off , but promised to see me for spring break . So I went back to school and did what I could to make the time fly . I was taking a four year degree in engineering , but I was trying to pick up extra courses so I could do it in three . Linda was going to college locally , so I wanted to get back to Denver as soon as I could so we could start our life together . I was really THAT stupid . Spring break came and my workload was just too much to go home for the week . Everyone was understanding and upbeat . Mom said she was very proud that I was taking it so seriously . Mike had flunked out and gone to work with Dad almost before he started , so it made her happy to know that I was taking a different path . I was looking forward to the end of term for several reasons . I was waiting on my marks . I 'd need to do well to maintain my scholarship . I was eager to get back home because Linda 's prom was fast approaching and I was looking forward to spending the evening with her . She 'd told me that she had everything taken care of and I didn 't have to do a thing , so I got myself packed and headed home to my worst nightmare . Mike picked me up at the airport instead of Mom or Billy . I was glad to see him now that I wasn 't his annoying little brother . We got into his car and drove back to Mom and Dad 's place slowly . I smiled at him . " Thanks , " I said to him . " It 's cool though . I haven 't been home since Christmas . It 'll take a little time for things to get stale . " " Still , " he insisted . " If you need to get out , even if it 's just for a few days , let me know . No questions asked . " When I got home , Mom was acting particularly nuts , fussing over me . She told me I could unpack later , but that she wanted to spend some time with me , so I helped make dinner with her . That night would be memorable for all of us . Linda had promised to be there for dinner and I was looking forward to seeing her . We 'd put dinner on the table and Billy arrived home from wherever he 'd been to announce that they were there . I walked into the hall to say hello and Dad was a step behind me . True to his word , Billy was there , alright , but so was Linda . I opened my mouth to speak and the two of them deliberately turned their eyes away from me and kissed deeply and passionately . I stood there in shock while they made out right in front of me . Shock turned to rage and I launched myself at the cocky little bastard . That 's when Dad grabbed me from behind . He was bigger than me , stronger and had been on the wrestling team in high school , so there was no way I was gonna beat him , but I tried . " GET OFF ME ! ! ! " I roared in rage , my face turning red as I watched my world come to an end . The two of them looked at me without the slightest trace of shame at what they 'd been doing . " Calm the fuck down , before you get yourself hurt ! " he said sharply . I wasn 't listening . What the fuck did it matter if I got hurt . What was gonna compare to this ? I wanted to kill them both . That hate was a living thing and it hungered for their blood . " Fine ! You don 't wanna listen ? We 'll do it the hard way . " He shifted his grip , wrapping an arm around my throat and suddenly I couldn 't breathe . There were black spots in front of my eyes and everything went black . I sat up and looked around the room . They all looked at me with varying degrees of regret . " Just one , " I admitted . " You all knew about this ? Mike too ? " I was surprised that my voice was as calm as it was . I knew he was poised to put me down again if I got upset now . " I don 't care , " I said and got up slowly . " You 're dead to me , " I said , starting across the room . I looked around , taking in each of them . " What 's there to talk about ? " I asked him coldly . " You always said when something bad happens , family comes together and protects our own . You protected your son and your new daughter from the outsider . You all pulled together at Christmas to fool me about where I stood . Not much point in talking it out . I hate each and every one of you and I hope you each die . Now , get the fuck out of my way . " He rolled his eyes . " And you wonder why no one told you ? You overreact to everything . You always did . You 've always been a pussy . Just fucking man - up . You went off to college . Did you really think your relationship was gonna survive that ? " I shook my head and tried to move past him . I wanted to get my things , call a cab and go to the bus station to buy a ticket back to LA . Fortunately , I was good at tutoring , so I had enough money for that . I couldn 't count on anything from my family . He grabbed my shoulders and shoved me back into the living room . I looked at him coldly and went to walk past him again , only to be shoved back . I tried it again and when he leaned forward to grab me , I kicked him in the balls as hard as I could . He went down in a heap and I kicked him a few more times , making sure to kick him in the face for the sake of his comment about being a pussy . I stomped his balls one more time to deliver the message and then left him on the floor to go upstairs I got my phone and called a cab , packing up and making sure I wasn 't leaving anything behind . When I came back down , Mom and Billy were helping Dad up and Mom was nearly in hysterics . Blood was pouring out of his nose and he was groaning and coughing and sounded miserable . There was no sign of Linda , but at that point , I didn 't care . I was outside with my suitcases , waiting for my cab when Mike showed up from work . " They told you ? " he asked , taking in the bags and the fact that I was waiting for a ride on the street so I wasn 't even on the property . " Look , Petey . . . " he started before I cut him off . " Fuck off , " I said . " Your father probably needs to go to the hospital . " I jerked my thumb in the direction of the door . " Your family needs you . " " Go back to LA , finish my degree , get a gun , shoot any of you if you come near me ever again . On second thought , I 'll probably get the gun first . One of you is bound to be stupid enough to think you can get me to hug and make up before I graduate . " " I 'll bet , " I said darkly . " It must have been hard on Billy , seeing her pretend to be my girlfriend . Must have made him think that she was cheating on him . I can only imagine what it must have been like for him to have his own brother make out with his girl . What kind of a brother does something like that , right ? Fucking whore ! " He looked miserable to be caught in the middle of this . We were his brothers . As much as he wanted to strangle us sometimes , we were supposed to be family . " Alright , so you 're not gonna calm down any time soon , " he admitted . " Just come stay with me . Stay for the summer if you need to , but don 't leave it like this . " I shrugged . " What 's there to stay for , Mike ? You all knew that she was with him at Christmas and you hid it from me . She lied about going away with her parents so that her and Billy - boy could fool around without me getting in the way . Mom covered for them , Dad covered for them , YOU covered for them . " " Yeah , " he said . " It 's fucked up , but you don 't have anywhere else to go and you don 't have a plan . Stay with me , work for the summer and then go back to LA with some cash and a plan , at least . " " It won 't be like that , " he promised . " I 'll help you get a job . I promise that I won 't tell Mom or Dad where you are or when you 're going back . I won 't tell them anything . " I was torn . I didn 't know what to do . I was running on rage and hurt and I wasn 't gonna be able to keep that up indefinitely . I was about to answer him when Billy stormed out of the house . He 'd been careful to stay clear of me after I 'd dropped Dad , but I guess he was feeling brave now that Mike was there . " You gonna pick his side ? ! ! ? " he gaped . " He just kicked Dad in the balls and then kicked him in the face when he went down and you 're telling me to go back in the house ? You should be holding him down for me to mess him up for what he just did . " " Just go in the fucking house , Billy ! " he snapped . " What did you fucking expect ? You should have told him last summer when you started ! " " Last summer ? " I said , looking at Mike . I 'd been here all summer . That meant . . . I shook my head . " And you assholes thought you could talk it out and I 'd be okay with it ? Tell your mother , she got her wish , " I said . " She always said she wanted a daughter . She just had to trade me in to get one . Hope she 's proud of her . " I looked at Billy . " Don 't you have a whore to keep an eye on ? I blinked last summer and she was someone else 's slut . You 've been out here two minutes . I 'd imagine she 's kissing your father 's balls better by now . " Now it was Billy 's turn to lunge at me . Mike grabbed him and pulled him back toward the house . " Just go inside ! " he snarled and shoved Billy in the direction of the front door . " For once in your life , shut your fucking mouth and put your head down . You could at least pretend like it bothered you to snipe his girl out from under him . " He finally managed to get him to go into the house and came back to talk to me . " You 're not gonna stay , are you ? " he asked , taking in the look on my face . " Last summer , " I repeated . " She was cheating on me with him before I even left , huh ? And everyone in the family is cool with it ? " He frowned . " I didn 't know until you were in LA , " he told me . " The plan was to tell you at Christmas so you 'd have time to cope before you went back , but . . . Linda chickened out at the last minute and told you she was going to her grandparents ' place . When you didn 't come back for spring break , that put it off for another couple of months . Mom put her foot down and told Billy that if he didn 't tell you , she would . " He nodded . " I get it . You feel like everyone 's against you . What were we supposed to do though ? It 's Billy 's responsibility to tell you that he 's done you up dirty , not mine , not Mom 's and not Dad 's . " " Maybe not , " I admitted . " Doesn 't change the fact that everyone hid it from me though . As parents , they have a responsibility for making sure their kids face their mistakes . Rather than let Billy take his lumps , he put me in a choke hold and then called me a pussy when I wouldn 't shake Billy 's hand and forgive him . " " That 's Dad , " he said . " He 's always been a bit of an asshole when it came to Billy . Why do you think I moved out ? " He shrugged . " It was because Dad favors Billy . I finally moved out around Halloween . I didn 't make a big deal out of it . I just told them that since I was paying rent here anyway , I might as well just get my own place . The money I was paying Dad for rent was going right into Billy 's pocket and you know what he was spending it on . " I rolled my eyes at the thought of how many dates Mike had sent Billy on with my girlfriend . " Alright , " I said finally . " I 'll come stay with you for a few days , at least . If one of them shows up to try to talk to me , I 'm gone . " He nodded and clapped me on the shoulder . " Good , " he said , relieved . He picked up one of my suitcases and we got them to the car . I called and canceled my cab and we drove over to his place . " I knew today was gonna be bad , " he admitted . " Between you and me , I think Billy is a miserable little shit for what he did . He 's still got a year before he graduates , but once he does , I 'm hoping they throw him out into the real world and he 'll straighten out . " " Yeah . He 'll end up living there until they die and leave him the house , " he conceded . " I 'm actually thinking about getting back into school and looking for a better job so I don 't have to put up with his shit once he starts working . " I settled in and Mike took a phone call from home . After he was done , he came to talk to me . " Let 's take some pictures of your neck , " he said . I rolled my eyes and we took pictures of my neck which had some signs of swelling . I told him I 'd probably have other bruises tomorrow from him grabbing me from behind . I got him to send copies to my phone and then I waited until he was talking on the phone again to copy them to my laptop and save them there too . Over the next few days , there was an agreement that his charges would be countered with me swearing out a complaint , so the matter stopped there . I still wouldn 't speak to any of them , but Mike passed the word along . Mike also got me a job with a friend of his at a restaurant . It wasn 't glamorous work . I was a dishwasher . The hours were long , the work was hard and the pay was low , but it kept me busy and the restaurant kept me far enough away from the rest of them that I never worried that they 'd come in to eat there by chance . I put most of my money aside except for what I paid Mike for rent and what I ate in groceries . He 'd brought home care packages from Mom a few times , but I 'd never touch them . I 'd microwave a can of soup before I 'd eat from her kitchen , the same kitchen that fed Billy . I told him that and he must have passed that along because they stopped after that . I never asked about them and I didn 't have much of a life for him to tell them about , so it all worked out . I met Mike 's girlfriend and she seemed nice , but I was pretty bitter , so I made myself scarce so they could have time to themselves . I 'd put in earbuds and read most nights . I wanted to get a lot of the reading done so that I could fast - track my degree . I was hoping to do enough this year and take summer courses next year so I wouldn 't have to stay for the fourth year . It was the end of July when I get the visit that would send me back to LA early . My mother was waiting for me when I was through at work . I 'd bought a cheap bicycle and was unlocking it when she spoke . |
He needed to get a job since the money and tokens his parents had left in the cave were just about to run out . Thing had done okay at school , especially with counting and numbers . Perhaps he could get a job in the town 's bank . When Thing awoke the next morning he found himself still sitting at the mouth of the cave . He got washed and made his way down the mountainside , crossing the main street and into town . He went to the employment agency to see what job were available . Thing didn 't notice as he entered the office , that everyone stopped and stared . Thing wasn 't the first of his kind who have lived in the town . There had been Thing 's grandparents , aunts , uncles , cousins and of course , his parents . All of his family had gone to the northlands where many of the Things had formed a colony . His own parents would have gone there too , was it not for the fact that his mother had taken ill and gone to hospital . The last words his father had said to him was that he was just popping out to see his mother . Neither of them returned , although Thing had spent many sleepless nights waiting and wondering . Thing told the person that he was good at numbers and counting . The agency manager went through many cards , saying ' no ' , ' no ' , ' no ' to most of them . Then he pulled out a card and exclaimed ' a - ha ' . The job was at a café near Thing 's old school . He 'd remembered the owner being a kind elderly gentleman . As was requested on the card , Thing popped along to the café for an interview . " You men , think that because Thing looks different that he deserves to be treated differently . In fact to be treated as a lesser being that you . Is he a child of a lesser god ? I don 't think so . How many of you created yourselves ? How many of you brought yourselves to Earth ? None of you ? I didn 't think so . We are all in this living together and all we can do is live together . It is you with your black hearts and thoughts who are different from the rest of us . The problem is you hide your evil thoughts in a body and brain that looks like everyone else . But you are not like everyone else . You are evil and most of all , stupid . So burn my café down if you want . We will only set up in another place , and yes , Thing will be there too . You people are what is wrong with the world , not Thing , not me . " And with that the men , one by one , threw down their torches and wandered off . The middle - aged man came forward and spat at Thing . The old man wiped the spit from Thing and apologised to him . " I cannot make an excuse for such a person . They are what they are , and we must exist beside them . Now you go home , have a rest and I will see you tomorrow . We have living to do . " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Featured Post # bobbystevenson , # flshfiction , @ bobbystevenson , story , ThingLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , Life , Short Story , UncategorizedThe Legend of Little River It was always the strangest of little towns , neither being a 100 miles from somewhere or a 100 from anywhere else . Folks mostly found it by accident is what I 'm saying , no one ever really went looking for it . It was like a large hole in a road on a dark night - you just kind of just fell into it . The war of the north against the south had taken place a little ways down the road - neither the soldiers nor the shelling had ever really troubled the little town . In case you folks ain 't too sure where that little town resides - well it 's in South Carolina - just over the border from its northerly sister . Folks would pass it on the way to Charleston or up to Raleigh and never know , nor care , that the place existed . " Whatever does that mean ? " Asked his wife and , as usual , Logan just shrugged his shoulders , because he 'd found that shrugging your shoulder never got a man misunderstood . Folks just interpreted it to mean whatever they wanted . " Well if that 's their answer , then that 's their answer , " said his wife as if they all understood what was happening . Although to be fair to everyone concerned , Misses Berry wasn 't the happiest woman in the world . She had a frown on her that could melt cheese . The family had a little girl called Amy and a boy , a year or so older , called Eugene . Now ' Gene and Amy loved nothing better than to dance to their daddy 's music - and here they were skipping , and hollering , and jumping like the poor Albany kids would do . Misses Berry just tutted and shook her head . The family had a little dog called Hoover ( just like the dam ) who also liked the sound of the harmonica as it meant he was let loose to jump and bark with the rest of his kin . It was in the middle of a toe - tapping tune that a large truck heading north , tooted as it passed , causing little Hoover to shoot off into the woods next to the road . This pleased Misses Berry as it meant that they could call a halt to the family looking common and instead go searching for their little dog . Amy held tightly onto little Hoover as she made her way back to the road . It was what she saw when she got there that she gave her the biggest of surprises . Her father was kissing a younger woman , who was most definitely not her mother . " Even for an elephant . Some say it could be as much as a billion light years across . Now that 's big . There are even wise women and men who think that there may be more than one universe and that in another one , I could be President . " " Exactly . Now in all those billions of light years , for me to become an elephant , and you to become a dog - well the chances must be a zillion to one . And to survive and me to meet you and you to meet me , well that must be a trillion , zillion to one . " But they drag the rest of us down . They think that living in a house , and keeping your money in the bank , and working and then retiring and then dying is all there is in life . And those who don 't see it that way are wrong . " " Exactly my friend . The horizon . That is what the blind can 't see . As long as there is a horizon , there is always something over the horizon . " Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 25 Apr 201725 Apr 2017 # bobbystevenson , # Kiss , # Passing , @ bobbystevenson , History , poetryLeave a comment # Bird , # bobbystevenson , Flash Fiction , football , Life , Short StoryBird His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her child along a street , he would look up at her and see the pride in her eyes . And sometimes when she was tired of dealing with the unkindness of others , and the way they stared at her little son , he could see tears in her face . She would secretly dry her eyes with her coat sleeve , smile the biggest of smiles , and encourage her boy to hurry along . He was beautiful , it was as simple as that . He had wings which none of his family had , and he could fly at any time . Something that any of his classmates would have wished that they could do . He knew he was different , and he knew he was beautiful , and he knew he could soar above the clouds . He had no need to show others to be accepted . He might have to live a life with the half - formed hearts trying to break him or even , make him disappear . He would be called ugly , he would be spat upon , he would be beaten by stones , but in the end , he would always remember what his mother had whispered in his ear one birthday : ' chase happiness ' . So , that is what he did . He decided that in order to be happy , he had to help happiness in others . That meant being a new super hero . Maybe not the first , but definitely a very different one . By day he was a mild - mannered kid , who did what he was told , and smiled at everyone . After school , it was a very different story , his hat and coat were thrown aside ( he couldn 't change in a phone box ) and he 'd spread his wings and swoop down on anyone in need of help . It probably all started with that kid who lived in the next street . He was a child with an imagination and therefore didn 't need much else in his life . He could build fantastic new worlds out of twigs , empty jars , and old boxes . What his world lacked in colour and structure was painted by the thoughts in his head . Now I 'm not saying any of that is wrong , but sometimes this kind of behaviour scares folks who can 't keep a single thought between their ears . It was the fattest kid in the area , and the tallest kid , who hung together and caused maximum mayhem where ever they went . Perhaps these were just two outsiders who thrust themselves into the centre of things by hurting others . If they were hurting folks , then those people couldn 't harm them . The kid in the next street had built a castle made from glass jars , it looked clever and displayed a degree of talent , which was the kind of thing that really bothered bullies . So , one morning the fat boy and the tall boy looked over the hedge of a garden and saw the kid from the next street and his castle , and decided to kick it over , throwing the jars into the road . They would cheer every time one smashed and needless to say the kid from the next street started to cry . Our hero , threw off his human clothing and headed to the source of the crying where he saw immediately what had occurred . He started pecking at the fat boy and then the tall boy - and although they tried to swat him away , it didn 't work . The fat boy was sure that the bird would peck out his eyes , and so ran away leaving his friend to take the punishment . Once the tall boy had enough of the bird , he , too , ran off . This was the way his life continued for a while . The boy - bird would swoop down on those being victimized and would then use his beak to put right the wrongs of this world . Sometimes he was hurt himself , when they fought back , and on other times he wasn 't . Then one Saturday morning , he found himself sitting on the highest branch of the tallest tree in a local park . He tended to hide this way when he was outside and naked - meaning that he was without his human clothes . It did feel good but he also felt that as a bird - boy he had a responsibility not to run around without any clothes on , leastways , not when humans were watching . As he was watching the park , he spied some children playing a game of football . He 'd always wanted to play football but most birds weren 't that excited about the prospect , and he found it difficult to get a game . On the other hand , most humans weren 't too keen on birds playing football either . So as far as he was concerned it was basically a stand - off . The kids were enjoying themselves until a taller and older looking child , tackled one of the smallest . The little boy let out a scream and seeing he was upset , the injured boy 's friends started to pick on the larger kid . It looked as if all - out war would ensue , until our little bird flew above the melee and started to shout and whistle : " That 's enough , " he shouted in a high squeaky bird voice . He called out again but still there was no reaction . So , our little bird friend landed on the head of the tallest kid and started to peck at his head . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 24 Apr 201724 Apr 2017 # love , # LoveOnly , # NOH8 , @ bobbystevenson , LifeLeave a comment # hope , # love , Flash Fiction , Life , Short Story , UncategorizedThe Titanic In New York City - 3 stories Wednesday April 17th , 1912 Pier 60 . NY , NY . She had heard Lord Carnforth , her employer , talk about a great ship that both he and his wife were sailing aboard to the United States : The Titanic . When that name tickled her ears she knew it was destiny , she had waited for this very moment . Annie had saved her meagre wages and at last she could afford a third class ticket - one way , of course . She got one of the footmen , whom she trusted , to purchase a ticket for her while he was on a visit to his family in Southampton . The plan was for Annie to live with Sarah until she could stand on her own two feet . However this plan fell apart . After three days Annie was working harder than ever , cooking for Sara and her ' Yankee ' . Cleaning , and fetching the groceries , she was more exhausted than she had been at the big house . Within in a month , she found herself at the end of the line , and decided that she would settle in California and see how things went . In the sun and far from the drudgery of a maid 's work , she blossomed into a beauty . This didn 't go unnoticed , especially with one , Max Sennett who had opened up the Keystone Movie Company . When she married for a sixth time , she built a little house on the island of Catalina , a few miles off the California coast . It was while she was sailing there one afternoon , that her ship ( which she had named The Titanic after the one which had brought her to a new life ) sank with all hands . Her body was never recovered . Adel and Dirk 's Story That Wednesday morning , the sun shone , and a gentle breeze blew in from the sea . As far as Adel was concerned , she had everything in life she wanted . She lived in Brighton Beach at the bottom end of Brooklyn , and she had a job painting decorations on the rides at Coney Island . She had been in New York City for almost a year . A year of struggling and making a life for herself in a new country . It had been lonely at the start , but the work had allowed her to paint and express herself . She had two friends , but as she worked most of the time , it really was difficult to meet people . On that sunny morning , her cousin Dirk was arriving from Europe on the biggest ship in the world ; the Titanic . Both their families came from Stuttgart , and as a girl Adel had been close to her older cousin . Now that she felt herself more American , she was pleased that another of her tribe would experience the exciting land that was the United States . She took a trolley across to the west side , to Pier 60 on the Hudson . There were many people trying to get to the pier , and the crowd stretched all the way to the Battery . Adel wanted to welcome her cousin personally when he stepped from the ship . After what seemed a lifetime , she saw the funnels , and then the grandeur of what was the largest ship she had ever seen . It was beautiful , so beautiful that it took her breath away . She wiped back the tears and waved with the rest of the New Yorkers to greet the Titanic . They got back to her apartment , in Brighton Beach in the early evening . The sun was already sinking on this happy April day and she had baked treats that she would have made back home . She wanted make Dirk feel really welcome . He was excited by his new country and full of hope , he told Adel . Perhaps he could be a great doctor in America , or perhaps even the President himself . Adel told him that he would have to have been born in the United States but she loved his dreams . Tomorrow she had to go back to work at Coney Island but she would introduce Dirk to her boss , who might be able to help in getting him work . Dirk thanked his cousin and took his little bag into the kitchen where she had made him up a bed . Adel wished him goodnight and hoped that God would be kind to him in the new land . Her name was simply , Julia Edinburgh - not doctor and not professor ; she was a woman after all in 1912 . She was probably the cleverest of all people working on the causes and treatment of cancers . Her husband was a doctor , but he had grown to admire and love his wife and her ability to see patterns and signs in medical information that most people overlooked . What concerned her most was there was to be a symposium of cancer specialists in Washington DC , on Monday the 21st of April - all of them men . She also knew that the main speaker was going to present his theory of cancer as a germ that is spread throughout the body . There was a train of thought , at the time , that cancer was a small protozoa - a small creature which transported itself from cell to cell . They boarded at Southampton and took pleasure in their small but comfortable cabin . Doctor Edinburgh found that his love of ships had him exploring all areas of the Titanic . This allowed his wife to spend her time writing and re - writing her presentation on the causes and cures for cancer . It was on the evening of Sunday the 14th of April , that the doctor found himself taking a stroll on the top deck . He always found that such a walk and taking the airs helped him sleep better . It also allowed his darling wife a little extra time to consider her thoughts . Maybe I should start at the very beginning then perhaps if someone finds this , it will all make more sense . That is , if what has just happened can make sense - to anyone . I live ( lived ) in a beautiful village in the south - east of England . I don 't want to be any more exact than that , just in case they find this . A week ago , we had the village fete , with all its usual sunshine , and games and I remember thinking to myself what a perfect place to live . Old misery - guts ran the whole show , moaning , as he usually did , about everything . Yet the fete always seemed to take place and , in the end , would always manage to be better than the year before . The village has one great pub called The Winston Churchill , which supplies the drinks on the day of the fete . There 's a stall for strawberries , one selling flowers , another for support of the local drama society and one where Mrs Laud tells peoples ' fortunes for a small donation to the church . Oh , yes and there 's a church which you 'll see is very important - but I 'll get to that . It 's a friendly little place where everyone knows everyone else , and where everyone knows secrets ( or say they do ) about the rest of the village . I think the village works on the premise that everyone has at least one secret they would rather keep to themselves . If people don 't know what it is , the kind folks of the village will make one up . Not much different , I would imagine , from anywhere else in this glorious land . I think I am going to use this notebook to record two things . The first is to record what is happening right now to the place where I live and the second is to recall stories about the great , the good and the downright stupid who have lived in the place since I came to stay here - which must be about 20 years ago ; time flies . I discovered it by accident . I just happened to be driving along the high road when I saw a sign for the village and fell in love with the place immediately . It 's that type of place - the kind of village you only find once in a lifetime . The first sign of anything unusual was the ' phones going dead - any and every ' phone , it seemed . Sometimes this happened in a small village . Sometimes it snowed and we 'd be cut off for a day or two . I mean , it 's only 20 miles from London but you can still be isolated down here . I had gone down to the Winston to see if anyone else had the same problem . The owner , Annie , told one of her staff to turn on the television to see if there was any news . And guess what ? That was only showing a blank screen with the odd spark every so often . " Maybe some transmitter 's down , " said Annie in her usual re - assuring way . " What transmitter ? " Asked old Jake , who questioned everyone and everything . " How should I know , Jake , just sit there and sup your beer , " she scolded which was quickly followed by a smile . " It 's them Russians , " scowled Jake . " Probably marched through Ukraine all the way to London , like as not . Or maybe it was them North Koreans . Never trusted them " . The rest of us gave Jake a smile , the way we always gave Jake a smile . It was just before seven that someone mentioned they hadn 't heard any trains that afternoon and I quickly realised they were correct , I couldn 't recall hearing the London train pass either . " Maybe someone should ring the church bells , let the village folks know that it 's seven o ' clock , " said Annie . I mentioned that people could just look at their watches or clocks but as Jake pointed out they had all stopped , too . So when the rest of them in the Winston looked at me , I knew I had been volunteered to go and ring the bells . I had messed about with bell - ringing once upon a time . I walked into a beautiful summer 's evening . The village has no street lighting ( although that 's common around these parts and won 't give a clue as to where we are ) - and as I walked up the street I could see through windows families sitting down together , maybe for the first time without the television invading their evening meals . As I crossed the street to go through the church gate , I noticed the last house suddenly go dark inside . At the time I didn 't think much about it , until I tried the switches in the church hall and every one of them failed to work . I had climbed up to the church tower many a time to look at the bells ( eight in all ) - so accomplishing this in the dark wasn 't a hardship . I pulled my way carefully up the iron - rung ladders and balanced my way across the narrow beam which took me to a small platform on the other side of the tower . There was only enough room for one man or woman up there . The bells were looking okay and standing up , so I thought I 'd go down a start ringing down one of them . That was when I heard the noise . I wasn 't sure who or what it was , but it sounded like a train on the rails was in trouble . Then I heard men shouting . Perhaps a train had crashed into a transmitter or something and knocked everything out . I climbed the last ladder ( which took a person up to the very top of the church tower ) to have a better look . I don 't know what made me hesitate - most probably my fear of heights - but I decided not to stand but look through one of the holes in the brick which let rain water out . I remember once , when I was making a parachute jump up in Scotland , my brain had decided to take a back seat - it 's the only way I can describe it - and it felt as I plummeted to the ground , that I was watching a movie and all this wasn 't happening to me . This was the same feeling , as I looked through the hole in the church tower , I could see tanks - the military sort - followed by soldiers with guns . I could just make out their shouting and it wasn 't any language I had heard before . The village was being invaded . I could see from the tower , the same uniformed men coming in from both sides of the High Street . As the tanks turned the corner into the street below the church , several of the soldiers broke off and ran to the doors of the houses , kicking them in . I saw the Smith family , who lived in the first cottage , being dragged out and made to kneel in the middle of the road . That was when I felt my world changed on its axis . The Smith 's eldest son got up to challenge one of the soldiers and another of them shot the boy dead . I fell back on to the floor of the tower and started to shake . Maybe they were making a television programme ? Something I hadn 't heard about . When I had pulled myself together a little I had another look . The rest of the Smiths were being marched at gun point down the street , Mrs Smith was being forcibly removed from the body of her dead son . My next thought was that maybe the Smiths were terrorists but that too was cut short when I saw more families being forced onto their knees in the street . What the hell was happening to my world ? This group of people , whoever they were , were rounding up the whole village . I heard some of them kick in the church door below me . There was more shouting in tIt sounded as if one of the soldiers was helping the other up the ladder . I waited on them finding me . Suddenly the soldier fell from the ladder and must have landed on the other because I could hear them argue - whatever the language was . This must have deterred them because I saw them run out of the church and back on to the street . I stayed hidden until the sky was pitch black and only the stars above me . I was desperate for some water and decided as I hadn 't heard anything for a long time that I might try to find something to drink . I held my breath and lowered myself down to the middle platform - I put my ear to the floor but I could hear nothing . I descended into the church and it was totally black , although I could feel chairs and tables lying upside down . I knew the bell ringers kept some bottled water at the back of the church and guessing where I was , I crawled towards the rear wall . I located the cabinet and found three bottles of the stuff . I drank that first bottle in one go and it was just as I wiped the corner of my mouth that I heard the church door open . Saturday 11th July I had slept badly in the church tower resting my head against one of the larger bells . The young girl , who couldn 't have been more than nine or ten , lay hidden in a little cove at the western end of the attic . Her name was Elise and she had managed to hide herself in an outhouse at her home . She had heard her family being dragged out the door by some people she couldn 't see . " I heard my mother call my name and then my mother shouted ' coming Elise ' , " this is what she shouts when we play hide and seek and she wants me to hide . " So I didn 't make a sound , or move . " Elise had waited for several hours before she made a move . Her home , she said , had been left with furniture and books scattered all over the house . Her father had always told her that if she couldn 't find her family she was to go to the church as she would be safe there . So that is what she had indeed done . Elise was as mystified as me . We live in what is known as one of the most beautiful spots in the country , and possibly the quietest , and safest , and yet within a matter of hours all of that has changed . She was a brave little soul , perhaps braver than me and here we were , the two of us lost . Just after dawn I heard the sound of a gun being fired in the hills above the village . Normally , I would associate it with a farmer killing some vermin or other - but then the strange thought crossed my mind that it might be the vermin shooting the farmer - whoever the vermin were ; I was still unclear who was actually carrying all this out . When it became light enough to make out certain landmarks , I managed to get to a position in the church tower which let me see much of the surrounding area - without giving away my presence ( I hoped ) . Once or twice , I heard small vehicles coming and going on the High Road . I had the thought that perhaps those responsible had considered this part of the village cleared of all people and that maybe they were no longer showing any interest in the church . I saw a dark figure making their way along Church Street towards me , keeping mostly to the shadows . I also noticed that there was a large gap between the shadows in front of the Old Post Office and those in the car - park of the Winston Churchill . It meant whoever this was would be exposed for some amount of time . When they ran from the safety of the first building , I saw it was that of a man - known to us as the president of the Parish Council , Thom Drey , whose family had lived in the village for generations . As he came out into the light , a small armoured vehicle appeared from nowhere and shot him first in the legs and then in thWhat the hell was I going to do ? Not only was I trying to look after myself but I had a young girl to protect as well . Leastways , that was how I had read the situation - but how wrong can one desperate person be ? To be continued …… Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 9 Mar 20179 Mar 2017 # bobbystevenson , # poem , # PowerofWords , # Words , @ bobbystevenson1 Comment # hope , # love , American , Being Human , Children 's , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short Story , UncategorizedMe and Buzz and Flyin ' The first time that me and Buzz attempted to fly , Buzz broke his arm in two places : in the yard and on the driveway . Yeh , Buzz didn 't think that joke was funny either . Now you 're going back to read it again in case you missed something ' cause you didn 't think it was so funny . There never was any proof that Mister H was actually eating any kids on account that no one had disappeared or anything but that didn 't stop the stories . You know how it is ? You get the rep for eating kids and it just doesn 't go away . I mean Buzz has got a rep for being really stupid but I have to tell you , he worked really hard at that rep and deserves it . I 'm making this all sound as if Buzz had come up with an idea that was as reliable as the day is long . To be honest he had several other really bad ideas . Last Easter , he tried to climb up the pipes to Mister H 's roof but there was a bird 's nest about three - quarter ways up and those little kiddy birds started peckin ' at Buzz 's face . You know Buzz hates anyone touchin ' his face so he tried to shoo them away and that 's when he let go . Luckily he fell into a bush and didn 't do any real damage although the pipe was hanging at a weird angle . You could say Buzz escaped with his life , which is more than can be said for Mister Huckerby 's pride and joy , his car . It was all smashed up . I think he thinks that the street was hit with a tornado that day . I guess I never really asked Buzz until just now what he was going to do when he landed on the roof . Was he gonna rescue the kids ? Or what ? Then Buzz stood at the edge of the roof and started flappin ' his arms and I tell you , I nearly let some pee out , I laughed so hard . He just looked completely stupid . Like a bird that had its behind set alight . Then we got to zero and he jumped and what do ya know ? He kinda glided , not as far as Mister H 's roof but to the tree in front of his house . That was where Buzz got stuck until we called the fire engine folks over at Toolaville . I think some of them tried to stop from laughing as well . I could see tears running down the Chief 's face . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 16 Feb 201716 Feb 2017 # America , # bobbystevenson , # buds , # Friends , # shortstory , @ bobbystevenson , Buzz , FLying , USALeave a comment # hope , # love , Children 's , Flash Fiction , Life , Short StoryThe Polka Dot Comet Kid The night that Sally was born , the comet , Hale - Bopp lit the skies above the hospital as she lay , crying . She was the most beautiful of children and her parents called her Halley after the light in the heavens . She had a wonderful early life and then one day she cut her finger which started to bleed . That wasn 't unusual for a child or for any human , except that the blood wasn 't red . She bled a polka - dot liquid . Her mother , worried , rushed her to the hospital and the doctors there all hummed and hawed , and then decided that the only answer was to wash Halley 's blood . After the blood was washed , the polka - dots disappeared and the blood was red , once again . Halley was checked every few weeks to make sure that the polka dots didn 't returned . Then one day as she left the big school for the last time , she bent over in pain as if she had been hit in the stomach . When they x - rayed the beautiful woman they found that her insides had all changed to polka - dots . The polka - dots had spread while no one was looking . The doctor told Halley and her mother that it wasn 't too late , that if they removed some of the polka - dots then they shouldn 't travel any further around her body - and that is what they did . Life went on and Halley studied at college , fell in love and decided she would be happy for ever . Then one afternoon when she was out buying food , the check - out girl stared at her . The doctor said that he 'd try to paint her face back to its original colour by using chemicals , and that is what happened . It 's just that the chemicals made her feel ill but it made the polka - dots disappear . When she walked down the street , some people who didn 't understand why people got polka - dots would just cross the road away from her . Sometimes she could hear folks whispering - ' she 's got polka - dots ' - and then shake their heads . That night Halley went home and decided that she wouldn 't wait any longer on things that she wanted to do - she would just do them . It was that simple . She still checked herself for polka - dots and so far , they haven 't returned . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 1 Jan 20171 Jan 2017 # Alive , # Being , # bobbystevenson , # poem , @ bobbystevenson , existence , Life , poetry2 Comments # Dreams , # hope , # love , Children 's , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short StoryThing of Beauty There was a lot of time to think , now that Thing had lived in the cave by himself for a while . A lot of time to wonder why he was the way he was . A lot of time to wonder why people made judgements on the way he looked , rather on the way his heart shined out . Those kids , the ones in the town below , had always picked on him , thrown stones at him , shouted names - and for what ? Because he looked different . Kids , well humans really , hated difference . His cousin told Thing that it was his cousin 's Big Birthday and Thing was to follow him north to take part in the celebrations . All Thing 's people had a Big Birthday , it was to mark them standing on their own feet in the world . Thing was still to have his , hoping that his parents would be back for that . On the Friday night , the evening before the party , Thing went out with all his cousins and they marched up and down the main street . About half way along the road , a human kid was walking towards them and Thing hoped the kid would not be horrible to his family as he was having such a great time . What occurred surprised Thing , his cousins started to shout names and throw stones at the human kid - and although for one split second Thing felt that it was good to belong to a group ( and good to not be the one picked on ) Thing realised that this whole situation was wrong and he wasn 't going to become one of the bullies who had made his own life a misery . " What are you doing ? " Asked his eldest cousin . " He is a human , an ugly little misfit of a human , " said another of his family . And Thing guessed that he was . The cousins told him that he wasn 't needed at the party the next day and that he should go home . No one wanted the little orphan anyway . Thing wasn 't sure what an orphan was , but he was too tired to ask . " My children are young , and my children are wrong . They are scared of the humans , " said his aunt . " I heard what you did and you really are a most beautiful being , Thing . Not only in looks , but in your heart , " then his aunt kissed him on the forehead . He had not been kissed in many moons and it felt good . He attended the party that evening and danced and sang and had the best of times . His aunt and uncle offered him a place to stay permanently but Thing refused , and told them that he had to return to the cave to wait on his mother and father . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 31 Dec 201631 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # Help , # hope , # love , # poem , @ bobbystevenson , LifeLeave a comment # Dreams , # hope , Children 's , Flash Fiction , Ghost , Ghost Story , Short StorySleep Well My Little One There was a time , perhaps it would be more correct to say once upon a time , back in your day , when science was only starting out - when life hadn 't even begun to be understood . That was in the days when the human race thought that sleep was to nurture , and to cleanse the human mind . We knew little then of what the universe was - even calling it a universe showed how little we knew - but like all things , truth and clarity took their time ( if you 'll pardon the pun ) . When we sleep we leave this ' universe ' and head to one of the many others where we have different lives , other truths , other loves . Some of those destinations are foreign to what we know , just as some are only minutely different . Still , in your dreams , you notice the difference , notice what is not quite right . When you fall asleep at night - as you must - there is no one to help you , no one can follow you , you are alone . We are all alone . There is no one to pull you from that hole which will take you into another reality . When you go there - you must survive as best you can . It was Doctor Edith Stewart , who was the first ' sleep astronaut ' - it was she who found a method to catapult herself outside of dreaming into these other layers of reality , and to return . It was Dr Stewart who found that when we die ( as it was once known ) it was only the door closing on this reality and in turn , we were forbidden to travel back . That is why many people ' died ' in their sleep - the door was closed to them while they were elsewhere . But there are more than just benign creatures out there , more than just friendly ghosts inhabiting the other worlds . The nightmares that we have as children , are truly there . Waiting . Hoping we will return . And still we fight and claw our way back to this reality for a few more hours . In the old days , in your time , folks would wish one another a ' good night ' - how little they knew . It is much wiser to wish your loved one ' all the very best of luck ' , for as soon as they are asleep , they will be on their own in worlds where nothing is real and on journeys from which they may never return . Sleep well , travel well . Come home . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 22 Dec 201621 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # Dreams , # short , # shortstory , # Sleep , @ bobbystevenson , GhostLeave a comment American , Flash Fiction , historical , JFK , Life , New York , New York City , Short StoryThe Man My father was a kid when he first went to New York City . Well , not exactly a kid but this was the 1960s and if you were in your early twenties , that kind of classified you as a kid . He flew via Iceland where the ' plane needed to refuel before flying on to JFK . The reason I 'm telling you this part , is because my father only ever met two famous people on his travels ; and when I say famous I mean …… . well you 'll see what I mean . The first was in Spain when he met Matt Munro , a singer famous for the song , Born Free , from the film of the same name . The other was a man he met in a bar , a little joint off of Times Square . My dad , as I said , was young and on his first trip to the US of A ; a country we would live in and spend many wonderful years . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 22 Dec 201621 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # flashfiction , # InstantCameras , # NYC , @ bobbystevenson , History , JFK , mysteryLeave a comment Short StoryExpecting To Fly You could smell the bitter - sweet fumes carried on the warm winds long before you could see it . Then there was a ' putt - putt - putt ' as his air machine descended towards the town . Everyone was excited , and I mean everyone , even Mrs Watson and she never got worked up about anything . Like she said , she was saving herself for Jesus when he returned to Earth . Culpepper wasn 't really a city , in fact it took a huge stretch of the imagination to see it even as a town . We had one main street and nothing much else . The founding fathers had big plans for the settlement and had decided on calling it a city from the word go , as a signal of the things that would come to pass . To be honest , we 're still waiting . The Captain 's people had telegraphed ahead with instructions on what the flying machine needed in the way of landing . A flat surface , not too stony , not too grassy that ' stretched for a good distance ' . No one knew how far that was , but the whole of the town got to clearing the long field behind Dee 's farm . Every stone was lifted , every bush cut and every blade of grass tamed within an inch of its life . Some of the better off ladies in town sent for new dresses from a catalogue that Mrs Miller kept in her store . I even heard tell that some of the women of Culpepper were hoping that the Captain might be single and ask one of them to marry him . No one had seen a picture of the Captain , but the women were willing to take their chances given that the alternative was dying an old maid and being buried in the unmarried section of the cemetery . Culpepper did all it 's sorting in the graveyard to save the Lord some time on judgement day , at least that 's what the Pastor told us at Sunday School . There was whooping and hollering and young Bessie asked her Mom if it was an angel . I had never been so excited in all my life and as it got closer and the noise got louder , my heart started to beat real fast . No one had ever seen a flying machine before and some folks fell to their knees and started to pray and there was a lot of ' thank you Jesus ' as if we were witnessing a miracle - which we probably were . It fell slowly on to the long field and as the wheels touched the ground safely , everyone started to ' cheer ' . Then the flying machine bumped back into the air and the townsfolk all went ' ohh ' because they were thinking it was going away again . Then it landed , bumped , lifted into the air a couple of more times all followed by ' oohs ' and ' ahhs ' from the folks until it came to a stop at the end of the field . Any further and it would have flattened Jake 's prize bull . The Mayor asked if I would escort the Captain to the hotel on two accounts , I reckon . One was that the hotel belonged to my Mama and two , the Mayor 's wife had suddenly felt faint and demanded to be taken home that instant . " No ifs or buts , Jacob , take me home - now ! " And that was that . Mama gave Jenny the best room in the house , and told her that no way was she accepting any payment for the room . Jenny tried to insist but she ain 't seen my Mama when she 's in full flow . It 's her way or else . After a good meal , Jenny said goodnight but that she might have a surprise for us in the morning . I couldn 't get to sleep that night thinking what the prize might be and then over a big plate of grits and eggs the next morning she asked if me and Mama would like to go up in the flying machine . Mama said God hadn 't given her wings . She said thank you kindly but there was no way she was getting in that contraption . I looked at Mama and she just said ' No ! ' but she knew I wouldn 't shut up until she said ' yes ' . Which is what she did , eventually . There was an excitement in the pit of my stomach and my breathing got real hard but I was determined that I was going up . Jenny made me sit in the front seat ( after she 'd cleared out all her stuff ) and then went to the propeller and pulled it real hard . Once it was started and whizzing around , Jenny jumped in . Jenny shouted " Are you ready ? " I stuck my thumb in the air to tell her I was and soon we were shooting down that field , fast like . Then a weird thing happened , the ground fell away and we were flying . Man it felt good . I looked over the edge to see Mama crossing herself . She 'd be asking God to take care of me . If we climbed any higher , I could probably tell him myself . Nothing in the world can get you ready for flying , it ain 't like anything you 've ever experienced and the first time is extra special . We flew over town and I could see that Jenkers was lying on his roof without a stitch of clothes on . I always wondered what he did up on that roof . I could see the guys rounding up the cattle over on the Four Circles ranch . The wind was blowing in my face and hair and I didn 't ever want to come down . That is until Jenny said we 'd need to head back on account of the fuel getting low . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 21 Dec 201621 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # Culpepper , # EarlyDays , # shortstory , # WomanPilot , @ bobbystevenson , bobbystevensoon , FLyingLeave a comment # hope , # love , American , Being Human , Children 's , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short Story , UncategorizedMole Hills and Mountains Olivia had been playing out in the yard when she 'd heard a door bang in the house . As she got nearer to the porch , she could hear her Grandpa hollerin ' about this and that but mostly about Old Chief Makkawaw who lived up on Old Creek Road . Then her Grandpa slammed the door again . This kind of thing wasn 't like her Grandpa at all , so Olivia guessed he was in a real bad mood . Herbert had to admit that this was a new one for him , but he also added that he hadn 't seen a mole in many a long day . Herbert wondered if perhaps he could make mountains out of other things too . Like when moles were real scarce . All his life he 'd been an eccentric little kid and for that read - he 'd done his own thing . Sometimes being that way meant folks either took longer to catch up with you , never managed to catch up with you , or couldn 't be bothered to try . That was fair enough ; aren 't we are all only living a life ruled by what we know and see . He remembered it all , as if it was yesterday . That first night in the front bedroom , the place had grown ice - cold , then at 1am the telephone in the bedroom had rung . When he eventually got up to answer it , there was no one there . As he returned to bed , a smoke detector in the hall began to beep - he lay for a while , ready to get up and fix it , but the next thing he knew it was morning . After a third night of the ice - cold room , the calls and the beeping , he decided to check the smoke detector . It was lying underneath a radiator and he imagined this is what had caused the beeping to begin - it didn 't explain why it happened at the hour it did . He lifted the small smoke alarm only to find that it was missing a battery . In a split - second he felt as if perhaps the house didn 't want him in that room , and for the rest of the stay in the rented house , he lived out of a small side bedroom . He 'd once , as a sort of joke , attended a psychic night at a friend 's house - but then due to illness someone couldn 't attend that night and he 'd been asked to make up the numbers . When the woman arrived , she just let out a scream and left the building . Her husband ( who was her sort of support ) apologized to everyone and went on his way . Although ( and it 's only put in without suggesting anything ) - the couple , the man and wife , who were responsible for holding the night both died relatively young . " How can I help you ? " He asked , but was surprised to find that there was no one there . ' They must have gone to the toilet ' , he thought to himself . Soon some walkers came in and distracted him from his thoughts . The visitations grew in number , but mostly when the pub was quiet . The figure always headed to the same corner of the room . To him , it was either a sign that he was growing old and losing his marbles , or something benign was inhabiting the bar . The car hit him hard in his back and mowed him down . Yet he seemed fine when he came around . He stood up , brushed the snow from himself and checked everything was intact . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 21 Dec 201621 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # GhostStory , # KingsArms , # shorehamKent , @ bobbystevenson1 Comment # hope , American , Being Human , Flash Fiction , happiness , Short StoryThe Miracle of West Culpepper In those days , the Blue Ridge Mountains was another world . Very few folks had automobiles back then and the trains didn 't go anywhere near . It was such a beautiful little place . You know , one of those towns that burrowed into your heart and would stay there for ever . We had gone one summer to visit an aunt just after the war ( the Great one that is ) . My aunt Jemima had moved to West Culpepper when her husband had got a job to help build a road that could take folks all the way into West Virginia ; right over the tops of the mountains . Some said that from up there you could see all the way to California . The troubles all started back in the ' Twenties . Up until then , the old town had a run of good luck all the way back to when it was started by an Englishman - who went by the name of Samuel Huntingdon . He had heard of stories of magical creatures which roamed the Appalachians - he never found any but died a peaceful death after a real happy life . So how did all those troubles get to showing themselves ? Well , it began with Jasper Howridge 's farm , his cattle seemed to catch some disease and all of them died real quick . Some folks said that maybe Jasper had brought something back from Europe , on account of fighting in the war over there . Others said it was a curse brought in by the new people who 'd moved to Culpepper . Whatever the reason , the cattle were stone cold dead . Some of the other farmers and friends helped burn the carcases - that 's what folks did up there , help each other . You see Jim had come to the area to write a book about George Washington and the years he spent surveying in those hills . But the place had got to him and he had settled , never actually writing the book . Something he was always going to do when the weather got better . And yes , the weather got better but that didn 't bother Jim , he just said that since the weather was so nice and the hills so pretty , it seemed a waste to spend in indoors writing . So he read , and read , read everything that he could get his hands on and one of the folks who did catch his eye was that Englishman , Samuel Huntingdon . Jim decided that after his Washington book , he 'd write one on that man . People didn 't need to hear about the Wall Street Crash in West Culpepper ' cause things had been going downhill for a long time now . Folks helped each other out with slimmest of pickings , but to be truthful the town was dying on its feet . There was only one real doctor and he lived a day 's ride away . In those days , Mother Hitchens saw to births , and deaths - bathing the newly arrived and washing the newly departed . She would only take from the families what they could afford and sometimes that was nothing . People started talking about leaving and heading south to say , The Carolinas to see what was happening down there . Some families packed up and left and said they 'd come back when things were good . To be real honest we never laid our eyes on any of them ever again . It was just as he was looking out at the moon one night that he asked the good Lord to help him find a way . And that was when ( least ways that 's the way he tells it ) his notes about that old Englishman Huntingdon fell from his bookshelf - right in front of him . Now whether it was a sign from the Lord or a gust of wind that shot straight down his chimney , we 'll never know , but it got Slim Jim to thinking and reading . Samuel Huntingdon had only been twenty - three years of age when he had crossed the oceans to land in Philadelphia . It was a city that Sam took to his heart as much as it took to Sam . He settled for a few years and worked with the great Ben Franklin in his newspaper office . Ten years he spent walking those hills , and although he saw many exotic creatures , he never once set his eyes on a unicorn . But that 's not to say he didn 't find magic . Sam had been told of a well that lay just outside West Culpepper that contained water from deep beneath the earth . Water so special that it could cure all a soul 's ills and so , for the rest of his life , Sam walked to that well and drank from it every single day . This got Slim Jim thinking who then set out to find the well . Retracing all the steps he could find written about Sam and his travels . Try as he might , he never found the well but this didn 't stop Jim , and so one day he called a meeting at the town hall . Some say it was the power of Slim Jim 's talking or maybe it was just that the town 's folk were so tired and hungry that they 'd believe anything - but believe it they did . Slim Jim told them that he 'd found the lost well of Samuel Huntingdon and that the well could cure all their troubles . It wasn 't that Slim Jim really believed any of it , it was just that Jim knew a secret of life , and that was if people believed hard enough , then good things happened . Sure hadn 't Mother Hitchens given her cure - all medication which was nothing more than some water and sugar but because folks believed it , a lot of them got better . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 19 Dec 201619 Dec 2016 # America , # Believe , # bobbystevenson , # Miracles , # shortstory , @ bobbystevenson , USALeave a comment # hope , # love , Being Human , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short StoryThe Morning of the Day … . . She could feel the sun on her heart , as its rays broke through the window . There was a bird , a blackbird , singing in the old twisted trees . She heard the cyclists from the city , shouting to one another as their bikes sailed past her front door . The aroma of the freshly made coffee had skipped the stairs and had , instead , entered her room through a little opened window . There was a quiet tap as a Bee kept hitting on her glass pane , looking for somewhere new to live . She had done with the dull days , and the rain , and the mist that had arrived with the darkness . She had done with avoiding mirrors and reflections . She was finished with treating herself as the enemy , and listening to the sourness of others : their paths were their problems , their responsibilities . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 18 Dec 201618 Dec 2016 # shortstory , @ bobbystevenson , Bobby Stevenson , flash fiction , happiness , Life , Short StoryLeave a comment Life , Short Story , UncategorizedCrazy Jinky " So what do you want me to call you , Jinky or Jenkinson ? " I asked him . " ' Breaking in ' is such an emotive way to put things , but then again I guess you 're a writer and you can say things like that . People who break - in usually steal things . I don 't want to steal anything apart from a few minutes of your time . " " Because I knew there was a chance of getting you in . I have come to your door several times during the day and there 's never anyone home . And , may I add that would be a better time to break - in rather than at 3am . " And that is when they brought in the death - chip . All those born after a certain date were fitted with it . Those who were born dumb had no need of it - but for the rest , it was a way to control the population . The chip set a person 's output at 300 million words . From the very first discernible word - say , ' mama ' to a song sung or a poem read out aloud , the words were deducted from the 300 million . The General Council had considered this value as over - generous - it could have been set much lower . And so you 're asking what happens when the 300 million words were used up ? Well the death - chip switched off the biological systems . It also did this if someone tried to have it removed - it would prematurely shut down its host . Many took to writing notes to each other : electronically , in chalk , in ink - any method that would get their message across . Those who constantly joked or sang died early due to using up their share . It seemed unfair that only the somber or quiet were given a longer life . One benefit , if that is what it can be called , was that people took more care in things they said to each other . A fight , an argument , could seriously shorten your life . It paid to be careful with what you said . Words became like gold . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 14 Dec 201614 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # flashfiction , # hope , # SciFi , # Time , # Words , @ bobbystevenson , Life , shortfictionLeave a comment # hope , # love , # SciFiThe Last Train North It 's funny how all the things you do or learn in the past , seem to be needed later in life . Who knows what it is , maybe the universe dropping down little hints , or lessons , that it knows you will require at some stage . On the other hand , it might just be one big coincidence . When it came , it did come quickly - probably within eighteen months . Some scientists had predicted it would probably take years - but where were they now ? Being fish food in some flooded town down south . London had sunk very quickly and when it happened it had really come without warning . People had died trapped in the underground systems . Some had sought out the tops of skyscrapers . When several thousand people tried to ( and stay ) at the top of the Shard , fights broke out and the stronger threw the weaker off the top of the building . As for the train , I had heard about it in a tented camp which had sprung up in the hills above Loch Lomond . Apparently an old steam train was shuttling people between a little village below The Black Mount and dropping them just outside Fort William . I have to let you know that all of this took place in the West Highlands of Scotland . Both Robert and I didn 't sleep well that night on the mountain above the loch . We thought we would get off to a good start and so set out at first light . There were a few with the same idea but us being fitter , we managed to get some distance between ourselves and those behind us . We cut over to a route we had known from a path taken years before - known as the West Highland Way . But he never ever told him . His grandfather said he 'd need to learn for himself what it meant . That way he could be sure of understanding . " You 'll know it when you see it . I won 't be here , mind . It ain 't gonna be in my time , but you , you 'll see and you 'll know . You 'll say , ' well gone darn it , my granddaddy was right . You see things will need to get bad , much worse than they are now before you see the fire . " He thought that you never realise how much worse things are getting until you look back and see what they were once like . Sure enough the boy 's grandpa was right , he had seen it coming - the wars , the financial crashes and the people caring more about money than each other . The people were too busy looking down at their computers and their I - this and their I - that to look at the skies . The strange thing is , they would sometimes look at the skies on their computers . Yeah , go figure . The last thing his grandpa said to him was ' look at the old books ' . The boy wasn 't really sure how old he meant . Two hundred ? Two thousand ? So he looked at them all and sure enough there was a similar story through them all - when the sky lit up , it was time for a change , for something to come , something better , and something kinder . Things did get worse . Folks forgot about kindness and helping one another . Things were put on streets to stop the homeless folks getting a dry night 's sleep . Churches hoarded millions of dollars . Governments helping the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 14 Dec 201614 Dec 2016 # bobbystevenson , # Choke , # Words , @ bobbystevenson , BullyingLeave a comment # bobbystevenson , # Live , 1910s , Being Human , USAThe Titanic in New York City - Adel and Dirk Wednesday April 17th , 1912 Pier 60 . NY , NY . That Wednesday morning , the sun shone , and a gentle breeze blew in from the sea . As far as Adel was concerned , she had everything in life she wanted . She lived in Brighton Beach at the bottom end of Brooklyn , and she had a job painting decorations on the rides at Coney Island . She had been in New York City for almost a year . A year of struggling and making a life for herself in a new country . It had been lonely at the start , but the work had allowed her to paint and express herself . She had two friends , but as she worked most of the time , it really was difficult to meet people . On that sunny morning , her cousin Dirk was arriving from Europe on the biggest ship in the world ; the Titanic . Both their families came from Stuttgart , and as a girl Adel had been close to her older cousin . Now that she felt herself more American , she was pleased that another of her tribe would experience the exciting land that was the United States . She took a trolley across to the west side , to Pier 60 on the Hudson . There were many people trying to get to the pier , and the crowd stretched all the way to the Battery . Adel wanted to welcome her cousin personally when he stepped from the ship . After what seemed a lifetime , she saw the funnels , and then the grandeur of what was the largest ship she had ever seen . It was beautiful , so beautiful that it took her breath away . She wiped back the tears and waved with the rest of the New Yorkers to greet the Titanic . They got back to her apartment , in Brighton Beach in the early evening . The sun was already sinking on this happy April day and she had baked treats that she would have made back home . She wanted make Dirk feel really welcome . He was excited by his new country and full of hope , he told Adel . Perhaps he could be a great doctor in America , or perhaps even the President himself . Adel told him that he would have to have been born in the United States but she loved his dreams . Tomorrow she had to go back to work at Coney Island but she would introduce Dirk to her boss , who might be able to help in getting him work . Dirk thanked his cousin and took his little bag into the kitchen where she had made him up a bed . Adel wished him goodnight and hoped that God would be kind to him in the new land . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 22 Nov 201621 Nov 2016 # assassin , # bobbystevenson , # Titanic , @ bobbystevensonLeave a comment # hope , # love , Being Human , Children 's , Flash Fiction , happiness , Life , Short StoryA Christmas Walk He had always lived in the city . His parents had met there , and his brothers and sisters had been born there . He 'd dreamt of his father again , meaning the he had woken at 3 . 20am in a pool of sweat . Each time that he saw his father , he would bend down to tell his son that everything was all right and that he was good and not to worry . The first few times it had happened he 'd mentioned it to his mother , but it caused her so much pain that he stopped talking about his dreams . His father had worked in the city . Every morning he would cycle to the railway station , take the express into the centre , and then cycle to his office . Then on the dark unforgiving Wednesday a large truck had cut across his path . The driver hadn 't seen him , in fact he couldn 't see him , and the truck hit Andy 's father . Andy remembers his teacher standing at the classroom door , she had just been talking with the school secretary . She turned and looked straight at Andy . Straight into his eyes - straight into his soul . One human being locking hearts with another . It had started snowing on the evening of the Wednesday before . They left very early on the Thursday morning , to ensure they all made it to the house before the snow got heavy . Christmas was not until the Saturday but everyone wanted to get snuggled into the house before the big day . The place was perfect and aunt Alice had chosen well . Andy had to share a bedroom with one of his brothers and one of his cousins , but if he was being honest it felt comfortable . Andy felt a warmth in his heart that he hadn 't felt for a very long time . Andy ran ahead and picked it up . It was a small box , and inside was a little medal . There was an engraving on the back which read ' To the greatest . Saint Andrew 's University - 1998 ' . It was the following day that it happened . His mother was washing some of their holiday clothes and , as usual , had to empty Andy 's trouser pockets . She had found the little box . " Where did you get this ? " She asked her son . Andy told her the story and that was when she almost fainted . Andy had to get her a chair to sit on . " Every year just before the Christmas break , me , your father and the rest of the students would have a cycle race from our rooms to a pub in the centre of Saint Andrew 's . Whoever got there first was given a medal and whoever was last - bought a round of drinks . Your father , with me on the cross - bars , won that race in 1998 . He had it with him the day of his accident and although I searched through his clothes I couldn 't find it . What did the man look like ? " Asked his mother . Even although she pulled her coat in as tight as she could , the snow and sleet coming off the Channel still managed to make her shiver . She 'd stop in at the Empire Café for a reviving cup of tea she had decided . It 's not as if Mother was in any danger ; at least she could wait another fifteen minutes for her prescription medicines . She managed to have so little time to herself these days . It hadn 't meant to be this way . By now , she should have been living out on some farm in Western Australia with the love of her life . Except he had never returned - like so many others - and after her father died of pneumonia , her mother had deteriorated so quickly that it had caught her unawares . When she had finished her tea and cake , she noticed that the snow had stopped and that the sun was fighting to come through . A little hope , she thought , and she caught herself smiling as she stepped out into the afternoon . July 1930 The Empire Café was still there - thank goodness . He 'd come here with his grandparents before the Great War , and it was always a place of happiness to him . Today all the bright young things were occupying the promenade with their energy and laughter and the rest of the world could go hang , as far as they were concerned . He was jealous of the young , they had it so much easier - and as he sat in the Empire nursing his tea , he wished that this was his time and that he was nineteen again . He was startled by a very pretty girl , high on champagne , who knocked on the large glass window and waved to those inside . They did all they could not to catch her eye , not in disapproval , but knowing if they looked up , they 'd wish it was them who were out there that day . He 'd asked his boss if he could leave at mid - day as he had to visit his grandmother on the south coast . She was keeping poorly and probably wouldn 't make it to Christmas . He wondered if his boss had realised that was the third time he 'd used that excuse in as many months ? He 'd never been to Hastings before , but thought that the Empire Café seemed a reasonable place to change his clothes . He 'd left for work that morning to go to Friars and Friars , who were known as the best accountants in Westly . He sat in the café dressed in his dull brown suit and drank his tea . He was hoping that the place would quieten down , and then he 'd make his move . By his third cup of tea , he decided that things weren 't going to improve and took his chance . Both he , and the little suitcase , he 'd packed away and hidden under the bed , went to the Men 's toilets . He carefully folded away his dull clothes and changed into his glam - rock ones . It was a bit like superman , except this wasn 't a telephone kiosk . No one had noticed him enter the café , but they all noticed him now . He was dressed from head to toe in a shiny silver suit and he wore the largest pair of glittery bright red boots ever seen in the Empire . He wondered if the make - up on his face was a step too far . Share this : TwitterLinkedInGoogleFacebookTelegramWhatsAppMoreTumblrPinterestRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . 28 Sep 201628 Sep 2016 # bobbystevenson , # GlamRock , # Hastings , # shortstory , 1930s , 1950s , 1970s , @ bobbystevensonLeave a comment # hope , # love , American , Being Human , Children 's , Flash Fiction , happiness , Short StoryMe and Buzz and Halloween Every year at Halloween it was the same routine , Buzz would keep me guessin ' about what he was wearing and I would do the same to him . And every year he 'd dress up like the Lone Ranger and I 'd dress as Tonto . So this year I told Buzz that I was goin ' as Tonto - straight out like - and that totally confused him ( as if anyone needed to work at that ) . He was goin ' real crazy wonderin ' if I was really gonna dress up as Tonto or if I was just double bluffin ' my best pal in the world . As if . One night , I kinda peeked thru ' Buzz ' window and there he was walking about the house in is Maw 's dress . I kid you not . I knocked the window and he sees me right after his face goes red , real deep red . He chases me down the street in the dress shoutin ' that him and his Maw are the same size and she uses him to sew up her dresses . " Honest Injun . " When he shouted that I knew he was tellin ' the truth , cause we only say ' honest injun ' in times of war or emergency . Still he had the whole town watchin ' him as he ran . Some unkind folks called him Elizabeth for a while but it was soon forgot . I think I made my mind up during Math , one afternoon . I ain 't the countin ' type and I ain 't sure if I 'll ever have a need for countin ' . As Buzz says and I have to agree with him - ' countin ' is as countin ' does ' . Don 't ask me what it means , but it sounds like it means somethin ' , so I 'm happy . I decided I was gonna double bluff Buzz and I was gonna go as the Lone Ranger . I wanted to be a hero and anyhoo , my mother had bought me the costume and hid it in her bedroom . I only found it when I was being real nosey like . I looked over at Buzz , in class , and he was drawing somethin ' or other with his tongue hangin ' loose with a life of its own , and his arm around the drawin ' so no one could see what he was doin ' . Becky McAllister tried to see what it was thru ' her spectacles that had been handed down thru ' her family . I don 't think she needed them and I guess it made her eyesight worse but it was the only thing her grandma had left her and she liked to wear them . " Miss - Buzz is drawin ' something and it ain 't countin ' , " said Becky who always was a sneak up until the day she got arrested for makin ' Hooch in her Grandmaw 's bath tub . She was wearin ' her Grandmaw 's old spectacles when she added the wrong stuff to the Hooch and killed three folks , stone dead . She asked the Judge to take her Grandmaw 's spectacles into consideration , but he just said she was guilty as anyone he 'd seen and was gonna hang . I guess snitches get what 's comin ' to them . Anyway the Math teacher , grabbed the drawin ' from Buzz and threw it in the basket . I decided to try to get it out of the basket when we were leavin ' class . I stuck my hand in the basket and pulled out a clump of paper . And Buzz told me that was the case , and I gotta say I had to believe him ' cause Buzz has never really told me a lie or anythin ' . Well except that time he said that his Great - Grandma had been married to a guy called Edison and that she had invented the ' lectric light . Might still be true , who can say ? Well I gotta say that Buzz was a might upset on account that both his legs were the same length . I know this fact ' cause he made me measure them several times . No matter what he did they were always the same . The following week he came to school with a boulder tied around one of his ankles , to try to make one leg longer . Mrs Fabert , the teacher , said that Buzz would need to study real hard just to be an idiot . " If I run in a straight line , the cops chase me . If I run in a circle , folks come out to watch and see how long it takes before I go dizzy and fall over . I heard they were takin ' bets . " On the followin ' Tuesday I heard a bang over by the old stables , and found Buzz flat on the ground and his face all black and smokin ' . I asked him if I should call a doctor and he said he was fine . He was just bein ' like his Great - Grandma and trying to invent somethin ' . |
Sabrina emerged from the fitting room . The dress she had on was strapless with a white bodice and red knee - length skirt . She got the salesgirl to zip up the back and fasten the tail flap with the three tiny silver snaps that hid themselves nicely behind the fabric . Walking to the three - sided mirror she stood and looked herself over . Part of her liked what she saw and part of her didn 't want to be here in the first place . However , if working at Strongarm had done anything , it made her more aware of her wardrobe and the need for dressier clothes . With The Clique party coming up she didn 't want to wear her frilly blouse and skirt combination . Actually , she couldn 't , the skirt 's zipper had stripped the last time she 'd tried to wear it . Of course it was when she and Chris were running late for work Sabrina walked over to his chair , placed a paw on each arm , and leaned in close . " Play your cards right , " she said , " and you will . " She walked back to the mirror , turned one way , then the other , then looked at herself over her shoulder . " Does my butt look too big ? " she asked . " Your butt looks terrific , " Chris told her , even if he 'd agreed with her he 'd have said it anyway . Not so much as a measure of self - preservation , but because he was still love - blind and only saw what he wanted to see . And when Sabrina leaned forward , he loved the view . Sabrina liked it too , she wanted to take it and go . But she couldn 't , not yet . " I 'll put this in the ' maybe ' pile , " she said . She called over the salesgirl again . " Could I try that green velvet one , please ? " " Timing 's everything , " Chris told her . " We get our tree while most everyone else is still in church ; the Lutherans always snag the best ones . " He slowed down as they approached the bottom of the hill and he put on his turn signal . " And in doing so , we keep the tradition alive . " " Easy . " Chris placed a foot on the threshold and slid his arms under Sabrina 's and gave her enough lift to clear the muddy patch by her door . He then took her paw and walked her out into the snowy open field where a number of pre - cut pines were laying and waiting for some fur to take them home . Chris nodded and released the tree , letting it fall and when it did , he saw what Sabrina 'd been talking about . " Ah , yes … oh , here . " He walked ten feet and picked up another . " How 's this ? " This time Chris could see it . " Why is it they always look good when they 're lying down ? " he asked . They walked and looked over some others , choosing a white pine Chris lifted it halfway up when Sabrina said , " I could never decide if I really liked long needles … " Sabrina put her paws into her coat pockets and followed along behind her fiancé . Stopping for a moment she looked out over the tree farm and across the road to the other side of it . The view was lovely , if you looked past the occasional clearing where pine trees used to be . " Ooo , wait , that one down there ! " Sabrina said quickly ! She started down the hill and Chris followed , his bow saw firmly in paw . It looked like a good one too , until they got down to it and Sabrina showed a crestfallen look . The tree was blocked by another and the illusion of one fat tree became the reality of actually being two trees blocking the sunlight from each other and creating two perfectly poor specimens . Chris shrugged and followed along after her . " Sometimes it takes time to find the right tree , " he said , holding the saw under his arm and walking after her . " Some people 'll pick the first thing they come along and not care , some 'll - - " Chris followed where Sabrina 's arm pointed straight out and up the hill a bit . Chris climbed up and Sabrina followed . They took a slow clockwise walk around it , studying the conifer . It was a blue spruce , a fat six - foot blue spruce . And Sabrina loved it . Chris looked up into Sabrina 's teasing eyes . " Tough , you 're getting it . " He handed her the saw and she helped as much as she could to drag the tree to the binding machine , then into his trunk which he expertly tied down , and home they drove . As is every year , Christmas Eve came along . Cindy heard the doorbell , and quickly ate the hors d ' ourve she 'd snitched . She chewed it as she carried the platter to the living room and sat it on the coffee table . She looked at her watch - - " Right on time , " she said aloud . In a sprint she ran to the front door to let her boyfriend inside . " My , don 't you look sharp , " Cindy said as she admired his navy blue blazer , his white shirt with striped tie , and his beige slacks . She closed the door and kissed Clarence , a long , lingering kiss . " I 'm glad you could come . " Clarence drank in her kiss . When it broke he pushed his glasses back up his nose . " I wouldn 't have missed it , " he assured Cindy . " I 've been on pins and needles since you invited me . " Cindy nuzzled his neck . " Merry Christmas Eve to you , too . " She took his paw and led him into the living room . Clarence inhaled the smells from the kitchen , whatever was for dinner smelled incredible . He waved and called out , " Hello , Mrs . Lapine ! " as Cindy directed him into the living room . " Mmmm , they look good ! " Clarence took a cheesy cracker with something he decided was not a carrot piece on top and sat on the edge of the couch ; Cindy sat on one end , smoothing her brief pleated skirt out over her legs . " They taste good too , thank you ! " She looked at him stuffing another one in his mouth , smiling at the taste . " You like the idea I can cook ? " she asked with a grin . Clarence swallowed the contents of his mouth , " Yes of course ! Everything you 've made me has been so wonderfully prepared and tastes fantastic . " He paused , hoping he wasn 't spreading it on too thick . She smiled at him . He looked tense , then again he always did . But over the past few weeks since they had their romantic night together he was getting better and better at just talking . " I can always teach you how to cook if you would like me to . " " I would love to , Cindy . " The plain truth was , if Cindy enjoyed it , so did he . Clarence sat forward then looked around as he noticed something , or to be more accurate someone , wasn 't there . " Where 's your dad ? " he asked slightly worried . " Not home yet , " she said . " He said he had to make a stop on the way home . Probably an office party at one of the local bars ; Dad says they 're called ' happy hours ' . " She took his arm and cuddled against him . " I never understood those , he sees his co - workers every day of his life for eight or nine hours a day or more , why would he want to stay with them ? " Clarence finished his cracker . " He 's pr - probably made friends with s - some of them , " he said to her . " It 's an e - excuse to visit w - with them after h - hours . " Cindy raised an eyebrow . Clarence suddenly seemed nervous , more the way he was before they dated . She sat closer to him , rubbing her bare - furred thigh against his leg . " How was the party at the studio ? " she asked , wondering if something had happened there that he didn 't want to tell her about . " I d - didn 't stay for much of it , " Clarence said . " I tried to get i - into it th - the w - way everyone else d - does , but I 'm still th - the ou - outsider . " He swallowed , trying to hide doing it . " Z - Zig Zag says th - there 'll be a ' real ' party after Christmas . " Cindy tugged on Clarence 's arm and looked past her reflection and that of the colored twinkling lights in his glasses into his eyes . " I think I like it better that way , " she said . " That way I know you aren 't chasing the actresses around . " Then she winked . Clarence 's paws began to perspire . " I - I - I - I had s - something b - b - better t - to look f - f - forward to … " He turned so he could face Cindy . " I st - still can 't believe y - you and I hit it o - off so w - well , " he managed to get out . " Me either . " She nuzzled and kissed his neckfur . " You 're such a sweet guy , I feel so bad others make fun of you … and I 'll never forgive myself for having done it , too , way back when . " Cindy nodded , then rested her forehead against his making direct eye contact . " I love you too , Stinky . " She giggled and winked , making Clarence stifle a laugh . Letting go of her paw for a moment , he reached into the side pocket of his blazer , and in a fully rehearsed series of movements removed a small box , slid off of the couch onto one knee , opened the box toward her , and stared straight into her eyes , a feat he had practiced for a month to master . Cindy 's muzzle had fallen wide open . Her paws fell to her lap , her eyes wide and moist , her heart beating against her chest . She stared at the ring , a perfect circle of white gold , atop which perched a half - caret diamond , the Christmas lights from the tree danced over the little facets . " Cindy , " Clarence said again , " Someone once said to me ' it 's only the giving that makes you what you are ' . " He felt himself swallow hard again . " I have nothing else to give but my love to you for the rest of my life Cindy . Please … p - please say you 'll marry me . " " Wha ' ? Oh , yeah ! " Cindy dashed to the kitchen and returned with a glass of cold water and stood beside her mother , taking a drink of it . Clarence nodded his head . " Uh - huh , yeah … " He held onto Cindy to steady himself , and then turned to her . " Cindy , did you say . . . " " Oh , good . " His head rolled and looked up at Cindy 's mother . " She said she would , " he smiled , then fainted again , still sitting up , his head now rolled to his left , bumping the already concerned Ellen . Cindy hadn 't noticed . " I mean Clarence how could I not say ' yes ' , you have shown me the greatest time of my life and I love you dearly . " Ellen smiled to herself ; it was obvious that Cindy had forgotten she was there and not noticed her now - fiancé was unconscious . " Clare ? " She slapped Clarence and he awoke with a jump . He placed a paw over were Cindy 's paw had connected with his face . " Why does my cheek hurt ? " Cindy nodded . " Okay , Mom , " and got up ; as she left for the kitchen she looked around at her mother and Clarence . Ellen sat Clarence on the sofa ; she stroked the back of his head softly , she then laughed quietly . " Clarence , I think it will be a long time before you realize how much good you have given Cindy . " She sat down next to him and smoothed her dress out . Ellen moved closer to Clarence and spoke softly into his ear , " Calm down , you don 't have to worry , it 's only me remember . All Rodney and I can do is support you and Cindy in your life together . I just wanted to know , why Cindy . " Clarence looked between his legs at his hind paws . He bit his lower lip ' till it hurt , it focused his mind and he looked into Ellen 's welcoming eyes . He breathed in and sighed again . " Look at me , and what do you see ; I 'm not good looking , I 'm not strong … I stammer , I take everything way too seriously . All through my life I 've been the butt of everyone 's jokes … but even with all this against me , Cindy still chose to help me and , dare I say it , love me . She has shown me that nice guys can be winners and when I look at her my life stands still ; time freezes when I 'm with her . I can feel the love we have and I never want to let that go ; I would be a fool as well as all the other things wrong with me . " He laughed a little . " D - Does that explain why ? " Ellen leaned over and kissed him on the cheek the way she often felt the need to do . " Clarence , when I look at you I don 't see any of those things you think you have wrong with you , I just see a charming handsome young skunk . I know Cindy does the same . " It was the door bell ringing that brought the trio back to earth , it was Rodney coming home . As Ellen got up to open the door she looked at Clarence , who was shaking again " Don 't worry dear , he wont hurt you … " She wondered if she just lied to him . " Anyway I 'm here , I 'll back you all the way , Clarence . " In the front hallway Ellen opened the door . Here she found Rodney barely holding a small TV of some sort . " Damn that 's heavy , " he left it on the tile floor and kissed Ellen . " You okay dear ? You don 't look well . " " If it 's about the lights in the kitchen , I 'll get onto it over my vacation . " His smile dwindled when Ellen turned away . " It 's not about the lights , it 's about Cindy , " Ellen replied . " All will be revealed in a moment . Just don 't say anything that will scare either of them , okay ? " She gave him ' that ' kiss , the one all guys know means they are being led to The Valley of Death . In the living room Cindy and Clarence were standing side by side . Cindy looked uneasy . Clarence looked like he was about to throw up . " Daddy , " Cindy started , " Clarence and I … " She paused . " We have something to tell you … erm … " She looked at Clarence ; she wasn 't offered much comfort ; he was trying his hardest just to stand up . Rodney looked at them both . " You 're pregnant , aren 't you ? " Rodney exclaimed , his lop ears ready to stand straight up . " Oh God , Cindy … and you , Clarence , I trusted you ! " He started to go for him but Ellen stepped in front and stopped him . " She 's not pregnant , how could you think so lowly of those two ! " She sighed and a dull thud came from Clarence as he fell to the floor again . " Now I 'm going to have to get Clarence off the floor again ! How could you be so callus Rodney , what did I say , you didn 't listen did you ! ? " She knelt down and over and picked Clarence up for the second time tonight and she sat him down . The sudden bombardment from his wife , the collapsing of Clarence and the party he had just attended hit the poor man all at once ; he held his paws up . " Okay , okay . " He stepped up to his daughter and cupped her face with both paws . " I 'm sorry sweetie , I 'm sorry I said that about you , it 's just you see all the news these days . " He looked at his daughter then at her left paw . " Oh , I see ! " And now they cuddled on the couch , the only lights came from the Christmas lights and the television screen . Each lover holding a spiced rum eggnog from a recipe Angel Collie had given Sabrina the weekend after the party when they went over for a small party they threw . Angel was incredible , she used her wiles to bring Sabrina into the kitchen and subliminally give her some pointers . " What we used to say when I was growing up , " Chris explained . " I 'd say ' what 'm I getting for my birthday ' or Christmas or whatever . The running answer was always , ' a Beatle 's tee - shirt . " And y ' know , I never did get one . " Chris nodded . " Ah , you were one of those families , " he said . " I could never understand that , then what do you have to look forward to on Christmas morning ? " " Playing with my toys , " Sabrina said . " I always got up early and went downstairs when Mom and Dad were still asleep , who could sleep anyway , right ? No one could yell at me , everything was already open . So I had the living room to myself ! " She sipped her nog again . " They have a picture of me when they found me asleep on the floor holding onto my new radio - controlled car . " Sabrina blew a short raspberry at the fox . She squirmed out of the cuddle and sat up straight next to him . " Let 's open just one , " she suggested with a bouncy lilt to her voice . " I don 't want to wait to give you this one , " she said quickly . " Let 's put the presents out now , and we 'll open just one each . That way I get my Christmas and you get yours ! " " But … " Sabrina had wiles of her own . When she turned on the wide - eyed innocence , and looked right at him with that tiny hopeful smile … Later that evening it was time for the interrogation . Clarence stood next to Rodney . Rodney sat at his workbench in the basement with Zig Zag 's number six monitor , affectionately called " The Rocket " ; this was not however for its greatness , just that it tends to explode at a high point in filming . This wasn 't the way Rodney expected to spend his Christmas Eve , but since the women of the house seldom came down here , it was slightly more private than his den . Rodney looked surprised . " You 're not going to rush into this ? " He softened his voice again ; he didn 't know Clarence very well , that would come with time , but what he did know about him was he was no fool , and also that although this was big he would take care of his daughter . " Well , I would like to . " He paused . " I - If you have no picture then I think you have a cracked circuit board in the EHT circuit . " Rodney looked up . " Wha ? Oh the monitor … Yes I think I may , thank you Clarence . I have the feeling from the way Marvin described the problem that there 's also a short in there as well . " He slid the case off from the back to test the high - voltage rectifier and flyback transformer . Shaking his head he fished out his soldering iron . " Go on , don 't let me stop you . " Clarence felt his stomach untwist slowly as he talked . " If I could I would marry Cindy in the morning , I just know I can 't afford it , money - wise and personal situation - wise . " He picked up and unwound a length of solder for Rodney ; he loved how soft it felt , even if it was highly toxic . " Here you go , that should be enough . " " Thank you again . I didn 't know this in your area of expertise , too . " He melted a little solder onto the cracked foil , the familiar smell of melting solder on 5 - core rosin flux met Clarence 's nose , it was a long time ago he last had the dubious pleasure of that sensation . Clarence laughed a little , " I wouldn 't call myself an expert . " " So what would you call yourself ? " he looked away from his work and smiled . " From what I 've heard you got better grades than I ever did in engineering . . . Boy , this TV went out with The Ark . I can 't believe with all the money … " His voice went low . " … with all the money Zig Zag makes she should really invest in new ones . " " I just like fixing things , sir . But I 'm all thumbs , I wish I were better at it … do you like me ? " Clarence blurted the last bit out , a mix a curiosity and fear made it nearly unheard by Rodney . Rodney paused slightly , seeing if what he did hear was correct . He had to think about it ; what he felt about this guy could mean the difference between having his only daughter hate or love him . Clarence well ; he was obviously smart , and Cindy … well Cindy loved him , he knew he was a good person , but did he like him ? " You and I have not socialized . I honestly cannot say I like you . That 's not because I don 't , it 's because I don 't know you ; your not the kind of guy I imagined Cindy falling for , I had pictures of a more … " Oh brother , how to say this . " Popular ? " Clarence said with dejection in his voice . " Well , not in the context you place popularity in , popular in the fields she had interests in , like her sports . Does that make sense ? " Rodney could see the hurt he just caused . Clarence was a sensitive person , he could see that , it wasn 't how it meant to sound , but it was the truth . " I g - guess so … are you disappointed then , that I 'm not the quarterback or the captain of the Lacrosse team ? " Rodney laughed , which made Clarence jump , which made Rodney laugh more . " If I was disappointed in what you are or aren 't , it would be highly hypocritical of me Clarence . I was just like you , I think I even have a silver plated pocket protector somewhere , now that 's being a nerd . And anyway , what jock would ever know what an EHT board is , he 'd probably think it was milk ! " Clarence smiled a rather charming grin and then laughed . Rodney could tell that if he wanted to he could probably charm his way onto any girl , the good thing was Clarence didn 't want to . " Thank you Sir , maybe we could get to know each other better . " " Well why not stay and help me fix this piece of junk ! " He motioned with his paw to come closer as he did he got out of his chair and wrapped an arm around the boy . " Just make my daughter happy and I will love you . " Breaking the hug , Rodney pulled the spare stool next to his . " Yes , I feel the same Clarence . I say this with out any form of bias , you are a lucky skunk . Now let 's see if we can bring RGB color to this . " With Cindy 's parents told it was time for Clarence to do the same . It was this thought that filled him with no small measure of dread . " I don 't know Cindy , " he said to her , " neither of us have any idea what she will do when f - faced with this n - news . T - This is m - my m - mother we are talking about . " " Well , " she continued … Clarence had a hopeful look on his face that was slowly disappearing with every ' well ' she said . His face reminded her of the one he had when it looked like she was going to turn him down that day in the coffee house . " Maybe we could just not tell her ? " Clarence suggested . She raised her eye brows at him . Then , " Okay , that was a stupid idea . " She nodded with a half grin . Then Clarence had another brainstorm : " I know someone we could ask . " " I thought about that too , Clare , I don 't think she 'd be too happy with us calling her with silly things like this . " Then , Cindy added the important part . And besides , I won 't be able to show off when she comes back in a few days . " Ellen laughed to herself when she heard Cindy talk about showing off , but she was really concerned about what Clarence was saying . She looked at the phone in her paw and clutched it tighter . " I 'm sorry Clarence , " she said to herself , " But I know I can make it easy for you , my dear . " She walked away from the door . Phone book in paw she walked upstairs and opened the door to Rodney 's study . She sat at his desk and opened the book . She placed the phone on one page and ran a finger down the S column . There had to be almost 50 listings for Skunk in the Columbus area alone , but thankfully she now remembered that Cindy had Clarence 's home number on speed dial under " Stinky " . " Knowing my luck she will be out . " She hadn 't ever met his mother , but what Cindy told her and the little she was able to glean from Clarence , she was beginning to know it was more than a son 's contempt for a parent . Now she knew that rules and regulations are vital in the upbringing of a child , but Clarence had turned out well enough for him to marry their only daughter , and for Clarence to rather face Rodney than his own mother really spelled out to Ellen the severity of his fear . Ellen was quite perplexed . " Yes , how did you … ? " " Well , I thought I would hear from you ever since I knew my son was proposing to your daughter , " she explained . " I gather that you 're not impressed ? " Sharon was wondering how this conversation would go , would she have to suffer the slings and arrows of a disgruntled mother because of Clarence 's silliness ? Before Ellen would comment on " how impressed " she was , she was quite curious to how she knew . And for that matter why she let her son get so worried . " So how … ? " " I knew ever since I found the ring in the drawer of his bedside table , he hid it in one of his socks . I mean , what was the boy thinking ! " She began to laugh ; it made Ellen chuckle too , she didn 't mean to but the image was a funny one . Then Sharon stopped laughing . " You still didn 't tell me why you phoned me , " she reminded Ellen . " Are you here to keep my son away from your daughter ? " It was now reality hit Ellen : Sharon really did think her son wasn 't good enough . Now if this was for Cindy or just in general wasn 't clear . Something else flashed through her mind : how does one tell a mother that their son is scared to even tell her the news of his own eventual marriage ? " Well , " she explained , " he was able to look my husband in the eyes and asked for my daughters paw . " More or less . " But the moment he came back upstairs he was worried about what you would say to him when he tells you the news … he 's scared of you , Sharon … he 's scared you 'll be disappointed in him . " Sharon couldn 't believe her ears . " And why would I be disappointed ? That makes no sense , I think Cindy is a lovely girl . At least he found someone educated and respectable and not one of those girls he works with in that … that place ! " This surprised Ellen too . Clarence had always said he never told her because he knew how she would react . It bothered Clarence too , he had told Cindy that it was the only time he had ever lied to her . " Ah … oh … so you do know about his involvement with … oh what 's her name ? " " Well , " she went on to say , " against my better judgment I called that den of inequity , and I was invited to lunch by his boss . She was very reassuring of course , and told me exactly his roles in her … " line of work " as it were . " Sharon paused to take a breath . She moved the phone receiver from one ear to the other . " She was very convincing she even gave me a free videotape . " She went quiet for a second . " Among other things . " " Yes well let 's leave it at that ; after all , what kind of a mother would I be if I didn 't even know who was paying my only son 's wage . " Sharon could feel the short white hairs on the back of her neck sticking up . " Yes , that Sabrina has a lot to answer for ; Clarence would have followed her to the end of the earth , although that 's not how he got the job … who would have thought my son beat a mugger , apparently someone took this Zig Zag 's handbag and Clarence got it back . Too much like his father . " Ellen blinked her eyes several times . " Clarence did what ? ? " she asked incredulously . " He didn 't say that 's how he got the job . " " He didn 't tell anyone . " Sharon had a slight sigh in her voice . " I 'm sorry , I have totally gone off the reason you called me … it 's just I don 't get to talk to many people anymore . " Ellen nodded her head . " I understand , Sharon , " she replied . " Well , it looks like you and I are going to be a lot closer now anyway . " Sharon smirked but maintained her outer demeanor , what was left of it . " Yes , you 're stuck with me now I gather , " she told Ellen . " And you 're totally sure you will allow your daughter to marry my son ? " " Sharon , " Ellen told her , " if I didn 't think your son was the best man Cindy ever met , I would never have phoned you . " This conversation gave Sharon Skunk a reason to pause and reflect . She had been strict with Clarence all of his life . To her , she felt it would make him a stronger individual , able to stand on his own two hindpaws and become a fur people would respect and admire . Instead , it now appeared to her that the opposite had occurred . And it didn 't make her feel proud anymore , she felt … ashamed . This reflected in her voice as she spoke to her future in - law . " Well , " she said after a sigh , " it looks like I have to tell my son not to be scared of me , don 't I ? " She felt her shoulders slump in her chair . " I can 't believe I 've been so hard on him ; I just wanted to make sure he was a respectable fur who would do right for people … my little boy just grew up too fast for me . " The slight crack in her voice nearly set Ellen off as well , " You did a wonderful job by Clarence , " Ellen assured her . " Sharon , considering what you had to go through to bring him up you could not have prayed for a better son . " " Then I must thank you too , of course . " Sharon said getting closer and closer to losing control completely . " Thank you for raising a daughter that fell in love with my lonely little boy . Ever since he met her he seems more and more confident . I never knew what he would grow up like , having no male influence must have been hard on him , I realize that . " She paused . " And after what you said about me today I 'm surprised he even had the nerve to ask her … I feel ashamed that I did this to my own son . " Ellen shook her head . " You 've done nothing wrong , Sharon , " she assured her . " He turned out just fine , believe me . I 'll tell him that you know , okay ? " Sharon sat up . " No , " she said quickly . " No , he must not know that you called me . He must tell me himself . Goodbye Ellen , I hope we can talk soon . Merry Christmas . " Before Ellen could say anything else the phone clicked off and the tone came across the pawset . Quietly she put it on the table . After all the information she had to process in such a small time one thing crashed her train of thought : Clarence is going to be in for a hard night , that poor boy . She put her paw to her mouth in further realization . Have I taken to him that much I just phoned his mother ! ? Back downstairs Clarence and Cindy were still sitting on the couch . Cindy was stoking his leg lightly for reassurance . He had been quiet for around five minutes now , not saying a word , just slowly breathing and with his eyes closed . She had tried to talk to him , casually trying to get him to just forget about it for just a few minutes ; this of course had been fruitless . " I better go , hadn 't I … " Finally he turned into her hug and with a sigh he hugged her back . " I wish you didn 't have to , I want you to stay , it 's Christmas Eve after all ! We could stay up and try and capture Santa together ! " She giggled and that in turn made Clarence laugh , which relieved Cindy to hear . " Okay , " he said , " I 'll get a net and you can get the chloroform , that way we can have all his gifts ! " He jumped up like a spring . " Only thing is if I was to stay the night … which I really want to do , I wouldn 't be up waiting for Santa , I would be asleep waiting for the dawn ; I 've already received the greatest gift I could have ever wished for . " He extended his arm and opened his paw towards Cindy , she placed hers in and Clarence closed his paw gently around it . She got up and Clarence placed his other paw behind Cindy 's back and pulled her slowly toward himself . She looked up into his eyes , a new skunk stood in front of her ; Clarence Spencer Skunk wasn 't just the male she fell in love with anymore ; he was her husband to be . She cuddled up to him . " Merry Christmas , Clarence . You don 't know how happy you have made me tonight . " Clarence smiled and looked down at Cindy against his chest . He blew lightly into her hair , she responded by looking up and kissing him . " Cindy , seeing you happy and knowing that you said yes to me tonight makes me the luckiest skunk alive … but I must go , I must go and face the music . " Cindy nodded , a tear ran down the side of her cheekruff . Clarence tilted his head and kissed it off , " I love you . " Before Cindy could reply he had broken out of the hug and gone into the hall . She stood in the doorway from the living room and watched him put on his coat and straighten his tie . She saw her mother 's feet appear walking slowly down the stairs . " Take care on the road , Clarence . I don 't want you having an accident tonight of all nights . " Ellen smiled and kissed him on the cheek . Cindy watched curiously as he turned and smiled at her mother , she couldn 't have imagined he would have been able to do that , even a few weeks ago . " Yes Mrs . Lapine . I better had ; mother will be waiting up for me , and I need to tell her my good news . " He turned to Cindy , rolling his shoulders back and standing straight . " Whatever may happen tonight , " he told her , " remember that I love you Cindy , and thank you for saying yes to me . I can 't wait f - for the day I say I d - do . Merry Christmas to you all . " With that he was gone , through the front door and out into the snow . Cindy ran to the door but Ellen grabbed her . " Don 't , " she told her gently . " He needs to do this alone , young one . " Cindy writhed in her arms crying . " Susssh , calm down , Cynthia . " She stroked the back of her head like only a mother knows how . " It 's going to be alright . " Her mother led her to the couch and sat her down . She sat next to her , gave her a tissue and took a deep breath . " Cynthia , " she began slowly , " firstly he needed to go the way he did because if he didn 't , he would never be able to confront his mother . I 've seen the face he wore before , but only once and it was along time ago , but I knew I had to stop you from holding him up . " She breathed out , Cindy was still wiping her eyes and was trembling with exertion . But she was listening with an intensity not even she knew she could muster . Ellen looked into her large wet eyes and smiled . " Oh , I 'll get to that in a minute . " She patted her daughters paw . " Just don 't be angry at Clarence , he needed to do it ; he loves you so much I can tell that , don 't think because he left the way he did he loves you any less , just he needed to go . Things will be so much better for you now . " Rodney came into the living room and sat with them , sandwiching Cindy between himself and his wife . He put an arm around Cindy and kissed Ellen . " I think I 'll tell this part of the story . " " My mother threw him out , " she said , half laughing - half sadly . Going back to that night brought back so many memories , good and bad . Cindy gasped and put her paw to her mouth out of reflex . " But Granny and Dad always are having fun together . " Cindy turned her head back . Ellen continued . " When he left I ran out after him . We drove to his place . " " I didn 't want her mother to think poorly of her , or me , " Rodney said as he relived the experience . " So I stormed back out and drove back to your grandmother 's . " And back again . " They had a long talk about what and how he intended to care for me , but I was in the hallway crying for over an hour . I didn 't think I would ever see him again . I didn 't know where he went ! " " But I came back and I had sorted out everything with her family . They were thankful I came back and didn 't run off with Ellen … I mean your mother . " At this point Cindy 's headache was getting out of control . But the insight to her past and heritage was something she never even thought would be told , not like this anyway . " Clarence is so much like your father it 's spooky , everything will be just fine , don 't you worry . Just look how your father turned out ! " Cindy looked at him and laughed ; he was blushing the same way her Clarence did . Ellen leaned over and kissed him . " That 's why I was so happy when I found out about him , that 's why I took to him so well and that 's why I helped him by calling his mother . " " YOU DID WHAT ! " Cindy jumped up . " Cynthia , please sit down , she already knew Clarence was proposing to you . She found the ring , she just didn 't tell Clarence that . Also . . . " She went quiet ; she had said too much . She tried to continue her line in another way ; she promised Sharon she would not let anyone know she knew about Clarence 's job . " Also , she thinks you are the right girl for him , too . " Cindy sat back down with a huff . " Didn 't get that feeling when I was there , " she said in an insulted tone . " She kept looking at me like I was trash , she kept asking me these questions , ones I either didn 't know an answer to or didn 't want her to know , made me feel so small . " She began to cry lightly again . Both her Mom and Dad hugged her . " There is one thing I haven 't gotten out of all this drama , " Ellen finally asked , " Why do you have Clarence under ' Stinky ' for the speed dial ? " Cindy looked at her and giggled , " Well … " Outside the snow had fallen quite a lot in the time Clarence was in the Lapine house . It surprised him as he ran out that he couldn 't see his feet under the level of the snow . " If it wasn 't for Christmas , " he said aloud , " I would really hate this time of year . " He looked at the clear sky and his breath floating into the cosmos . He stopped and looked over his shoulder . " I hope Cindy is okay . " He found himself saying that more and more the closer he got to her , and now being one step behind marriage coupled with the way he left her , he felt more anxious about what Cindy felt about him than his mother . He got to the car and opened the door , sat in his seat and closed the door . With a tear in his eye he took one last look at Cindy 's front door just in case she did come out . After a minute or two of quietly waiting he put the key in the ignition . He looked at himself in the rear view mirror , and with a nod to himself he turned the key . " I really do need her love , don 't I ! " His reflection seemed to agree . " I just wish the song wouldn 't end so quickly . " He came to a crossroad as the next song started . His favorite track on the CD ; one that reminded him every time about his own life , a song that starts off sad but ends with a wedding . Something in the song made him slow down even more , a line in the song the day the song character proposes to his love , the song said it was a Friday . " Oh , boy . " Looking at his wristwatch the dial on it said ' FRI 24 ' . " That 's it . I 've listened to this song way to often , it must be telling me to do it on a Friday . " Clarence chuckled to himself , but the laughter slowly faded away as he turned onto his own street . Now he wore the same determined face he did when he left the Lapine household . Cindy sat on her bed with a cup of tea ; she was looking out of the window at the snow . She was thinking over everything that had gone on today ; it was , she felt , too much to have happened for one day . She also knew that for Clarence , it hadn 't ended and that 's what saddened her the most . She was here and not with him to face his fear , a fear instilled and manifested by his mother . " How are you feeling now Cindy ? " Rodney came and sat on her bed next to her . " Anything good on the window ? I hear that the snow is going to have a good season this year if they can work on their defense . " Cindy looked at him . " Daddy , don 't take this the wrong way , but you 're a nut ! " She smiled and giggled . " Thank you Daddy , I needed a laugh . " Rodney cuddled her . " I know it 's hard waiting for him like this , but please don 't stay up here all night alone . It is Christmas after all , and our family was just gifted with a new member . " He kissed her and got up . As he got to the door Cindy turned around on her bed . " I just want to be with him right now , who knows what he 's going through , I … I just need him here , Dad . " Rodney felt his daughter 's pain . With a warm loving smile he nodded his head . " I know , I know . But neither of us can change how it 'll turn out . We just have to wait for now . Please come down soon , your mother needs you too . " He smiled and walked to the stairs . Cindy drank the last of her now cold tea and stood up . She brushed her hair and drew one of the curtains . " I love you , my skunk , good luck . " And she drew the other , blocking out the street light and the snow . He rang the doorbell but no one answered . He stood there looking at the door for a few minutes before he resigned himself to the fact he would have to use his key . Once inside he took off his coat and hung it on a hook bolted to the stair banister ; it still had " Clarence " written above it in nice friendly letters , he always said that he would take that down one day but he knew it would never happen ; it was one of those things that had always been and one that would always be . " Mom , are you still up ? " Then he remembered the time . " Merry Christmas , Mom ! " He was waiting for her to say he was late but it never came . He took a few steps further inside . " Mom , you okay in there ? " He held his breath and moved to the door . " Yes , Clarence … Yes I am fine , I 'm in the living room . " Clarence exhaled with relief . " Please come here , " she called to him , " I have something to talk to you about . " Sharon looked up and acknowledged her son before turning back to the piles she 'd made on the floor . " Your father , every Christmas Eve , would drive home from work two hours early and buy me six roses , and in the middle of the bunch would be a carnation , one for every eve we spent loving together . " It was obvious to even Clarence she had been crying to herself . " Mom I … " he took a step closer to her . " I never meant to hurt you Clarence . " She looked at him and smiled a sad smile . " You grew up to fast for me , I can 't believe you 're no longer my little boy that needs his Mother . I just didn 't want to lose the only other man in my life . " A tear ran down her cheek over the top of her black fur and dropped onto the photograph . Clarence couldn 't remember the last time he saw his mother like this . He walked into the living room . " Mom , what 's wrong ? " he asked . " I 'm not going anywhere ! " He sat down next to her and she cuddled up to him . She was shaking slightly . " I 'm proud of you Clarence , have I ever said that to you ? " " W … Well , erm … " He looked to the ground . " No , " he said meekly . He didn 't know how long he longed to hear her say that to him . She shuffled through a small pile she had made , found the picture she had intended to find all along , the one that had caused her to bring her entire collection down . " You know you have your father 's eyes , they lit up when he smiled just like yours . " Clarence remembered Cindy saying how she liked his eyes when he smiled . He didn 't really understand what she meant until now . Thinking about Cindy made his mind poke him into action . " Mom , we really need to talk . " He looked at the wooden floor . " I have something im - important to t - tell you . " Sharon now knew how hard it was for Clarence to be saying this to her . It was his next step in life , he had to be able to tell her if he was to proceed . " It 's okay Clarence , " she said to him in a comforting voice she hadn 't used on him in … years . " Take your time , we have until Christmas . " She laughed , seeing that for them it already was . Clarence sighed , took a deep breath and turned to face his mother in the nose . " I asked Cindy if she would do me the honor of marrying me in the future . " Sharon gave a nod . " Did she ? " she asked . Clarence didn 't answer right away , as if he was miles away . She asked again by giving him a gesture to prompt him . " OH ! Oh , yes she accepted . " He gave a false laugh again . " I was beginning to wonder , Clarence . " She actually wore a smile ; in certain respects he always thought her smile was particularly sinister , this didn 't help much to Clarence but at least she wasn 't crying on him , telling him what a fool he was being getting married . He could feel his insides knotting . Slowly he turned back to look at her , as he did the tears began to run down her face again . Suddenly she wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tightly . " I 'm so proud of you my darling boy ! " This was definitely a different side of his mother Clarence had never seen before . This was what she was like with his father , he thought ; her stern demeanor came from losing her husband , and he began to fit the pieces together . " I love you too , Mom , I really do … thank you , I don 't know what I would have done if you didn 't like Cindy . " I love her Mom , and not even you could change the way I feel about her . " Clarence shook his head . " Mom , it 's me who is lucky . Without her , I 'd still be stuck wishing my life away for dreams that would never come true . She showed me love is a thing to share . " He bit his lip ; he actually made himself feel bad with that . " Not to waste time in a one way street . " Sharon rubbed her paw up and down her son 's right leg . " Sabrina is the foolish one , " she said out of the blue . " She should have stayed with you , but I 'm your Mother and I won 't speak ill of other people , that 's not proper . " She looked away for a moment toward the window , and smiled at her reflection . Knowing how much he had changed with Cindy , anyone could see the difference even after their first ' encounter ' . " Because there was a time you wouldn 't stop telling me how wonderful she was , " Sharon told him , " about how talented and accomplished she was , and look at her now , struggling to hold down two jobs in two different states , living with a man she found on the Internet . That 's not intelligent if you ask me Clarence , it 's very strange ! " She softened her voice . " Go look in the top drawer in the cabinet . " Clarence got up and obeyed his mother 's request . In the oak cabinet that housed various curios made of china and gold and under a pile of tablecloths was a large portrait photograph framed of Cindy ; it was one he had taken not to long after he acquired a new camera . " I think that deserves a spot on the fireplace , now don 't you think Clarence ? " She placed a paw on his shoulder ; she knew he was crying and she could understand why as well . His bride - to - be looked marvelous in the picture . " Yes , of course I accept her as my daughter , " she replied to the unasked question . " You could do a lot worse . And I 'm your mother Clarence , there 's not much you can hide without me knowing . " It was a back - pawed comment but it was the best he could hope from his mother . The Skunk family fireplace photo gallery had every member of Clarence 's immediate family in it from him to his great grandfather Patrick Skunk who lived to one - hundred - six , passing away only a few years ago . To be included on the fireplace was to be accepted into the clan . It was what Clarence hoped for Cindy one day , but not in a million years did he think it would be so soon . She didn 't look as out of place as you 'd think , there weren 't only skunks on the mantle , there were raccoons too ; having a rabbit seemed to make it even nicer . Sharon took the picture and moved her own so that it could be placed quite rightly next to Clarence 's . There they both sat , flanked on his side by his father and Cindy by his mother . " Go and call her , " Sharon told her son , " Tell her everything is okay and wish her a very Merry Christmas from me too . " Clarence nodded . " I 'm going to sleep now , okay , don 't stay up any later than you have to on the phone and don 't eat any of the cookies on the dining table , there 's twenty - six , I counted . " She kissed him good night and left . Well , she hasn 't changed totally I guess . Clarence felt his tummy rumble when she spoke of cookies but now didn 't dare take one . He picked up the phone and fixed himself a glass of milk . " Clarence ? " Cindy rolled her eyes . Who else would be calling you at 1 : 30 in the morning ? DUH ! " I love you , Cindy , " Clarence beamed over the phone . Everything is fine , Mom accepts our plan , my … " He stopped ; he wanted to say it and needed to say it . " OH CLARENCE , I LOVE YOU , MY HUSBAND - TO - BE ! " Cindy jumped at her own statement , that and the volume she used ; she blushed to herself thinking what Clarence would say next after that . |
Some of these stories are very short . Others may be longer than most web offerings but each is a quick and entertaining read . We 'll tell you whether you 're reading a true story or a fiction offering . Toby - she knew his name because she had heard Mrs . Bryan call him one afternoon as he chased her down the sidewalk - was Cherry 's twice - a - day nightmare . She was terrified of the little dog ; but he lived along the road her mother deemed safest for her to take to school . Cherry could not take the alternative route where there was no sidewalk unless her older sister or brother agreed to walk with her . Eventually , Cherry hit upon something that made her feel a little safer . One day , following a wild thunderstorm , she discovered a number of broken limbs on the sidewalk , most of them being dry wood from some long - dead portion of one of the trees . Being dry , the limb had broken when it hit the sidewalk . One of the pieces was a sturdy stick a couple of feet long . Cherry picked it up , at first just to clear the path in front of her ; but she had walked only a few more steps when the little white terror burst upon her . Holding the stick aloft , Cherry said loudly , " Go home . Go home . " The little dog stopped in his tracks and stared at her . Then he resumed barking until Cherry repeated even more frantically , " Go home . Go home . " The dog backed off and Cherry resumed walking , keep - ing her eyes on her foe until he finally turned away to resume his nap beneath a thick bush . Cherry was trembling with fear , but her seven year old mind was working . If she had the stick every time she passed the Bryan house , she would be able to defend herself if the dog tried to bite her . She would be safe . But she could not take a stick to school . Cherry pondered the problem until she noticed one of the trees alongside the sidewalk had a gnarled root that rose several inches above the ground . She bent down and placed her stick alongside the root in such a way that it was nearly hidden . She then hurried to school feeling more cheerful than usual . This afternoon she would have the stick to see her safely past the Bryan house . That afternoon , Cherry bravely walked past the Bryan house with her stick clutched in her hand . The dog did not appear . A relieved Cherry found another hiding place a half block past the dog 's home to stash her handy weapon for the following day . For the next year or two - until Cherry was old enough to walk along the other roadway - the one without a sidewalk - she always kept a weapon hidden along the sidewalk and carried it past the dog 's home . Of course it was not the same weapon for all of that time . Occasionally one of the home owners would clean his yard and un - knowingly toss Cherry 's stick into a fire . Then Cherry would have to find another . When she couldn 't find one for a day or so , she would creep fearfully past the Bryant place , but when she again had a stick in her hand , she would march bravely by , ready to face her arch enemy at any moment . As Cherry grew up , the Bryan house remained of interest to her . Eventually , she realized the dog no longer lived at the residence . Still later a black ribboned wreath on the door signaled the death of Mrs . Bryant . By the time Cherry was in high school , the house - at the hands of some new owner - underwent renovation and a face lift . Its chipped white paint was scraped off and the house was covered by a coat of fresh grey , a small garage was built and the lawn was landscaped . Cherry , who lived in a frame house with no distinguishing features , was fascinated with the neat little house with tiny turrets and new dormer windows . In spite of the grandeur of these accouterments , the house had very little living space . Two upstairs bedrooms were all it boasted , and the only bathroom was on the ground floor . All the closets were tiny . Each night she woke repeatedly , believing a dog had just barked some - where nearby , perhaps as close as the foot of her bed . As Cherry did not have a dog the sound of a dog barking in her bedroom was understandably unnerving . She could only surmise that her long ago fear of the dog which had once lived in the house was causing nightmares . And of course , this seemed so silly she dared not take anyone into her confidence . Each night , Cherry told herself that the barking dog was only her imagination and that tonight she would be sensible and sleep the night through . Sometimes it seemed to work and she would be jubilant the next morning when she awoke well - rested . Some nights it didn 't work at all and she slept no more than an hour or two at a stretch before the dreaded barking startled her from sleep . Sometimes , the barking seemed to fade as Cherry wakened . Other times she could have sworn that she actually heard barking after she was certain she was awake . A couple of times she crossed the room and labored until the stubborn old window rasped open . She then looked out over the neigh - borhood for the canine night owl which must be living somewhere near . Each time she neither saw nor heard a dog , but when she returned to her restless sleep she was once again wakened by barking . After one particularly sleepless night , Cherry looked in the bathroom mirror as she got ready for a day 's work . A haggard face looked back at her . Cherry , who prided herself on not looking her age , looked old . That day , instead of going straight to work on her current project , removing old carpet strips and nails to prepare her dining room floor for machine sanding , Cherry took a cup of coffee onto the patio off of her kitchen and sat down to contemplate her dilemma . Was a dog really barking SOMEWHERE or was it only in her head ? Was she insane … ? And more importantly , was she ever going to get enough sleep in this cursed house ? After Cherry finished her coffee she decided not to spend the day working . Instead she changed into some more presentable slacks and a crisp white blouse and walked across the lawn to where old lady Martin still lived in the house she had owned for the last fifty years . Cherry didn 't know any of her other neighbors , although she had seen some young couples getting in and out of cars in nearby driveways . She hoped Mrs . Martin knew them and would know if any of them harbored a dog that spent its nights barking at the moon . Once through the amenities , Cherry launched into her agenda . " There 's a dog somewhere around here that wakes me up every night . Do you have any idea who it belongs to ? " she asked . Mrs . Martin looked surprised . " Well no , " she answered . " I haven 't heard any dogs . The only thing I 've heard is some hammering that starts pretty early some mornings . " After she left Mrs . Martin 's , Cherry walked down the sidewalk in front of her home , turning at the corner to walk as far as the alley and then strolling along the alley until she reached her own back yard . As she walked , she kept her eyes peeled on the back and side yards of each house she passed . If any of her neighbors had a dog , it must be one they kept inside the house . There were no visible dog houses or fenced areas to be found . The neighborhood was nearly silent except for the sound of bees buzzing about in the garden at the end of the block . Apparently all the people in the houses roundabout were at work . She doubted any of them kept a dog locked up all day while they were away from home . So where was the barking dog that awakened her night after night ? Eventually , although still sleep - less , Cherry more or less grew used to the annoyance . When the barking woke her from her exhausted sleep , she would sit half way up in her bed and say , " Shut up , Toby . " Then she would fall back against her bed , press the spare pillow over her head and try to go back to sleep . One day Cherry found herself at the local library browsing the contents of a shelf on the occult . A title caught her eye , " Animal Spirits , " the bold letters read . She took the book off the shelf . According to the book , most animal spirits were attached to living people or spirits of their former owners . If the ghost of the human to which they were attached was exorcised from the home , the animal spirit would also leave . Cherry was bemused . Would she have to have an exorcism to rid her house of dear old Mrs . Bryan and her beloved pet in order to get a good night sleep ? She was so tired that the idea did not seem entirely ludicrous . And then she began to remodel her kitchen . It contained an antique cook stove with a tall black pipe disappearing into the wall . It had apparently been left there or placed there for nostalgic value long after such things had ceased being used for cooking . She wouldn 't dare to light a fire in it 's depths as she feared the chimney might be clogged and a fire might ensue . Besides , two of the round burner plates were missing . She hoped to find them but if she didn 't she would have to look into replacing them . She decided she should start some - where else . If she couldn 't replace those stove lid things , she might have to get rid of the stove . Spending time cleaning and polishing it right now might not be of much use . She didn 't plan to use the thing , but it looked interesting so if she found the lids she would probably keep it . If so , she thought , she would probably remove the stove pipe piece by piece and give it a thorough cleaning . If leaves had fallen from her large over - hanging trees into the chimney , they would provide a nesting place for rodents . Not a pleasant thought at all . After deciding to put off the stove cleaning pending locating the stove lids , she turned her attention to the wall beside it . It was covered in painted - over antique fabric , puckered and cracked . She assumed it was oilcloth . Along the base a water pipe sneaked from the butler 's pantry where the water heater was located around to the kitchen sink - apparently placed to be seen as little as possible without going to the effort of installing it under the floor . On the upper part of the wall , she found a curious copper pipe with a deep green patina . It curved out at the bot - tom and ended abruptly . What could it be for ? Had something been disconnected ? Because she had to start somewhere , Cherry began by ripping and scraping the oilcloth off the wall . If she was lucky there would be plaster worth repairing . If not … . well she 'd face that after she knew for sure . The glued - on oilcloth was stubborn . She worked on it a long time before breaking for lunch . In the afternoon she switched to taking doors off cabinets in order to sand and repaint them . After they were all down , she sent out for pizza for her supper and after eating , she decided to spend a little more time on the oilcloth . Surely she could complete the small area of wall before bedtime . The pain brought tears to her eyes and the threatened blackout forced her to lean against the stove for support . And the barking came again . It seemed to come out of the holes where the stove plates belonged . Cherry ripped open the door to the firebox and peered inside , feeling foolish when of course there was nothing there . But the barking began again and with her head near the firebox , it seemed to be all around her . She backed away wondering if the old cast iron stove as well as her bedroom was haunted . Then she raised her head as she ruefully rubbed the knot on her left temple , and she saw the curved copper pipe once more and was seized by inspiration . She raced through the dining room , down the hall and up the stairs . In her bedroom along the wall near the foot of her bed , she found what she was seeking - the other end of the pipe . She now knew what it was - although she had no idea what it was called . It was one of those communication conduits that houses used to have between the bedroom and kitchen . Through that tube , the lady of the house could summon a servant to come up with her breakfast . " So that 's where the sound came from , " Cherry marveled . It came out of the stove holes and straight up the pipe right to the foot of my bed . But of course that didn 't explain how the barking got into the stove . Cherry raced down the stairs and out the front door . Where was that chimney ? She ran as far back in her yard as she could get to look at her roof . If the moon had not been full she would not have been able to see the black pipe rising above the one story roof of the kitchen end of the house . Why didn 't she notice before that the main chimney - the one shared by two fire places in the house was nowhere near the kitchen ? The cook stove had its own " chimney . " But how did that explain the bark - ing dog in the stove ? There was certainly no dog on the roof ! She reached again to touch the tender bump on her temple just as she heard faint barking above her head . Whirling around , she saw nothing but blackness . The houses behind her were shielded by a steep hill that rose above the valley where the old part of town had been built . High up on the hill , mostly surrounded by trees , there was a development of expensive new homes . Again Cherry heard the faint barking overhead and slightly to the south . " This is weird , " she said aloud and heard her last word echo back at her , " weird , weird … . . " And all of a sudden she understood . The dog was up the hill and who knew how far away . When it barked , the sound heard so faintly at ground level must be much louder at roof height , especially when it bounced off the wall of the larger house to her north . The sound must travel down the pipe into the stove and out of the stove where the stove lids were missing right into the speaking tube that ended in her bedroom . And she had been ready to look for an exorcist ! The first thing Cherry did back inside was place a board across the holes in her cook stove , securing it with a heavy brick formerly used as a doorstop . Then she laughed all the way up the stairs , and was still smiling broadly half an hour later when she was ready for bed and snuggled in for a restful night of sleep . End I make sure the door is shut before going around to get in the driver 's seat and start the car . Before I can back out of the drive , her window is open . She waves out the window and call out , " Bye Dad , " although he has turned back to the house and doesn 't hear her . " What are you doing at my house ? Who said you could come here ? " She giggles and spins around . Soon she is down the hall jumping on my bed . I put a stop to that , telling her she might get hurt . She says , " Nun - huh . " After I have also hidden and been found , she decides we should play " makeover " . I am chosen to be the model . From my bathroom counter she gets lipstick and then blush and finally eye shadow . When she has finished , I have large green streaks across my forehead and cheeks like fire . She pronounces me beautiful . Although she protests , I wash my face then follow her to the den where she climbs in front of the computer and asks to go on line . I open up the browser , after which she competently types in an address by the " hunt and peck " method . She goes to a game site where she plays a game for at least 20 seconds before telling me she is hungry . She sits there a minute and a half munching and sipping before grabbing a handful of the chips and heading to the living room where she gets the remote and turns on the TV to cartoons ; but she doesn 't watch because she has another idea . She wants to make crafts . To my relief , she settles for painting with water colors . Miraculously she covers a page with paint before getting off the chair and ripping off the apron to demonstrate a frenetic dance routine while singing off key . After I applaud her performance , she remembers the electronic keyboard under by bed . We pull it out and plug it in . She is still pounding away , accompanied by the most disturbing of the machine 's automatic staccato rhythms , when her mother comes for her . After trying and failing to coax a goodbye hug out of her , I say , " That 's okay . I love you . " She waves goodbye as she trots off down the sidewalk toward the car . The baby 's name is Paul and his little fingers , wrapped around one of mine , are chubby and dimpled . He is named for my brother . When I gaze at Baby Paul 's little fingers , another image comes to mind . It is of a woman crying . The woman was my mother and she has been dead so many years now that I would have to stop and figure out exactly how many years it has been ; but those tears - they are still alive in my heart . I can see those tears so clearly , dripping gently against the fingers of another little boy so many years ago . That little boy , four years old , was in her arms . I , three years older , was standing alongside the rocker feeling very sorry about my little brother and about my mother 's tears . Paul and a cousin a few years older had been playing outside together a few days before . Every few minutes , my mother would go to the door and holler for Paul . The cousin , Abel , was a venturesome boy and mother would not trust him to keep Paul in the yard , although he had promised to do so . The boys were playing mostly in the orchard at the back of the yard . There Abel spotted a low hanging branch that was almost parallel to the ground . Rushing off to the washhouse , he returned with a length of rope and swung it over the branch . Then with Paul 's little back for a stool , Abel climbed to the first fork in the tree , then up a little more and onto the branch . There he tied each end of the rope in knots around the limb . The boys were very proud and excited about the swing they had just created ; but of course , sitting on that rope was not very comfortable . We need a board , said Abel . Off they went in different directions until Paul ran back to the orchard , hollering , " I found one . I found one . " The neighbor was a carpenter . From his refuse pile , Paul had rescued the perfect board . When Abel reached the swing , Paul was trying to fit the board onto the rope , but of course it kept sliding off . " I 'll be right back , Paul , " he said . " I know how to make a swing . " And in all of his seven - year old wisdom , Abel did have an idea how that was done . He returned with an axe from the woodshed and proceeded to chop at the board to put in the notches he could see in his mind 's eye . The board jumped away . He tried again . The board jumped again . " Here , Paul , " he said , " You hold it . " And Paul did . And that 's how Paul came to lose one of those beautiful little chubby fingers . One was sliced endwise from nail to upper knuckle . Medical knowledge was not what it is today . The doctor could do nothing but amputate the finger of the terrified little boy . I say a small prayer for my great - grandson . " Lord , keep him safe and let him grow up unscathed . " Then I raise his chubby fingers to my lips and kiss them . We lived in a four room house . ( At one time there were seven of us . ) Mom was often sick and Dad didn 't make much money . We had little in the way of worldly goods and we seldom went anywhere special except at those times that some generous adult stepped in to brighten our horizons . One of my favorite memories of my early years was when I was a second grader . My teacher , also my best friend 's aunt , took the two of us to a neighboring city for a day . She didn 't drive , so the trip was accomplished by bus . We two little girls rode the city bus downtown where we met the aunt and boarded the bus for the city . In the evening , after our day in the city , this was reversed . While in the city that day , I remember seeing a beautiful display of Rudolph the Red - Nosed Reindeer books . I longed for the book . Of course , I couldn 't buy it - I probably only had a little pocket change in my little handbag that I was permitted to spend myself ; but that day we did ride an elevator and an escalator and were taken to see a Disney movie after eating in a restaurant - it was a truly memorable day . Another time my aunt , a dry old woman who went out about as seldom as our family did , took me to the movie for some biblical epic . Perhaps the movie was " The Robe . " I no longer can remember ; but I do remember it was a unique experience to see a movie that was so long it had an intermission - and on such a wide screen . Today , most children enjoy a variety of experiences . They have a rich environment through television programming even if they seldom leave home . In our time it was different . It was only through the kindness of others that I was able to share in experiences I would otherwise never have had . At the time , I didn 't know enough to be grateful for the favors I was given , but I am grateful now . Recently the two were playing together and had gone into a bedroom together . Suddenly , Darcy came down the hall in a state of indignation , saying , " Jo - Jo slapped my face . " She had a slightly reddened place on her very pale cheek . Now I love both little girls , but I knew Darcy did not do it on purpose . Bouncing around in her excitement , she had banged her head into Jo - Jo 's nose . The sudden pain made Jo - Jo fly off the handle and I knew she had slapped her without thinking . We had a little talk about it and she finally allowed that she had put up her hand and it had hit Darcy 's cheek . I asked her to apologize to Darcy because her hand had hit her cheek . She refused , saying , " No . I didn 't do anything . " Whereupon Darcy said , " Jo - Jo , I 'm sorry my cheek hit your hand . " Now that is forgiveness . I 've never seen anybody forgive any better . Posted on September 29 , 2012 by betty Reply Sharon was rich and lived in a large house . Beth was from a poor family and lived in a little house that had thin walls and bare pine floors . Sharon and Beth went to the same school , were in the same class and one day entered the same contest for reading books and writing reports . At the end of the contest , both girls had completed the exact same number of reports and both girls had done reports of very high quality . The contest was declared a tie and the two girls were asked to draw straws - short straw to win . An ecstatic Beth won the prize , a music box of bright blue plastic . When the music played , a tiny screen showed a series of different pictures as the wheel revolved . Beth placed her prize next to the front door of her small house so if there was ever a fire she would be able to rescue it on her way out . Sharon was very disturbed that she had not won the drawing . After all , she had written just as many good book reports as Beth . She went home and complained loudly to her parents . The next day her parents came to school and complained loudly . Before you know it , the contest judges decided to buy another music box for Sharon . While it was Beth who worried about fire , it was Sharon who suffered that catastrophe . Early that winter , a fire caused by a careless maid destroyed Sharon 's home . The family escaped but all their possessions were destroyed . When Beth heard about the fire , she was dismayed . At school , it was said that all of Sharon 's many toys had burned except for the pony cart that was in the barn . All her clothes had burned . Many of the little children were not too kind about Sharon 's hardship . One little girl even said , " It serves her right for being so hoity - toity all the time . " Beth , however , was sad for Sharon . On the way home after school , she thought and thought . She was home only a minute before she rushed back out the door carrying a small bag . She raced to a large brick house - the home of Sharon 's grandmother where Sharon was now staying . When the maid brought Sharon to the parlor where Beth was waiting , Beth opened the bag and pulled out her cherished music box . " I 'm sorry about your fire , " she said . " I want you to have this in place of the one you lost . " A few minutes later , the maid closed the door behind Beth as Sharon raced upstairs to the bedroom she had been given in her grandmother 's home the moment she was born . As she pulled out a warm coat to wear on her shopping trip , she took a moment to shove the music box to the back of a shelf . " It 's a stupid toy , " she thought . " No wonder Beth gave it to me . " Posted on September 29 , 2012 by betty Reply As an adult , there have been times when I have said to myself , " This is such a wonderful moment . I don 't ever want to forget it . " At those times , I take a mental snapshot of that moment and commit myself to remembering it . As I write this , several of those moments come to mind ; but one of my happiest memories is of at day in my life that happened when I was too young to be introspective . I simply remember it because of the total happiness I felt . In the greater scheme of things , that day was not that special . It was our second grade class picnic day . I recall that we wore play clothes . That would mean pants for little girls when in those days we were required to wear dresses on regular school days . We each took a sack lunch and we were taken by bus to a local park where we played . On the way home , I got off the bus at a corner a block from my home and a few blocks before the bus reached the school . Nobody was home when I got there , so I decided to clean up the living room to surprise my mommy . Those are the unremarkable details of that memorable day . First , on that day I overcame fear and truly enjoyed playing at the park . Before the day was out , I was confident about climbing to the heights of the sliding board and soaring down and about swinging high on the huge swings - two things I had always been timid about before . Because of my new confidence and my ability to do what the other children were doing , I had acceptance from them . When my teacher told the bus driver to let me off near my home I experienced the respect of her knowing I was self - reliant enough to go home alone . When I got home , I made myself useful by cleaning the living room and consequently received something all children covet , my mother 's praise . Her mother thought the little girl did not understand how seasons change , so she told her all about the cycle of plant life . The little girl smiled . Later that year , at Thanksgiving time , the little girl took her turn giving thanks . " I am thankful my mother will see all the beautiful tulips in the spring , " she said . Her mother did not notice that her daughter had not said she also would see the tulips . At Christmas time the little girl suggested to her mother that she spend less on Christmas gifts that year . " I would be so happy if you spent what you usually spend for me to give gifts to poor children , " she said . Her mother did as her daughter asked . One day shortly after Christmas the little girl sat down with a fat pencil and began to write on her lined paper . When she had finished , she folded the paper and placed it in her Bible . The next day the little girl did not feel well . She did not go to school . All day she stayed in her little bed . She told her mother she felt very tired . Her mother thought if her daughter was not better the next day , she would take her to the doctor ; but by the next morning the angels had come for the little girl . Of course the mother was extremely sad , sadder than she had ever been . She was very sad for a very long time . Then one day the mother was sitting on the edge of her daughter 's wee bed weeping . Her eyes fell on the child 's Bible on the bedside table . The corner of a piece of paper could be seen extending from between the pages . The mother opened the Bible and unfolded the paper . In her daughter 's childish scrawl a message was written . " Jesus told me to tell you to look at the tulips . " When her mother read this she went to the window . Outside she saw an array of beautiful colors spread across the plot where she had worked beside her daughter in the fall . The tulips had bloomed . In the center of the patch was a group of tulips in a bright yellow hue - a hue unlike that of all the other tulips . There were two straight lines of the yellow tulips . amidst all the Elizabeth Ruth She died giving birth to her twelfth child . Ten were still living when she died . My mother was only five when her mother died . The family survived the tragedy and the children went on to lead happy , productive lives . But , the longing for a Mother and the emptiness left in the wake of her death never subsided . This was vividly impressed on my mind when I heard them talk in the summer of 1990 . Mother was 85 and Aunt Helen was 83 . It was a hot , humid day and the sisters were sitting on the porch . A storm was on its way , but for now the air was dry and still . The sisters looked so old and frail as they sat and reminisced . They were bent and their hands were gnarled . Hair that had once shone like copper , now framed their faces like puffs of cotton . Faces that were once fresh and smooth were now seamed in wrinkles . " Barely " was Helen 's soft reply . " I think I remember when she died . Papa cried . I couldn 't understand why Papa cried . And , I couldn 't understand why Mommy was laying in the parlor . " " I remember Mommy . " said Annabel . " Her eyesight was so bad . She always had me thread her needles . She called me her ' eyes ' . I always stood by the side of the sewing machine and watched her sew . " Tears moistened the cheeks of these two old women . Then the storm broke and the rain streamed off the porch . It seemed the heavens were crying too for the children that missed their Mommy . |
I woke up from barely sleeping . I couldn 't even eat all of my breakfast . I still felt like I was going to be punished , even though the talk was over with , and he said that we could move on . But hearing him say that he was going to think about this over the weekend makes me think that he will change his mind and still fire me on Wednesday when I came back to work . I didn 't have much to do at work , and my sister made sure that I got to work early . I filled out the bi - weekly report that I was working on turning in since the 13 , I just missed the end of the two weeks . I finished it up and e - mailed it to him . When I was filling out the first week from the notes I had , I was starting to feel good about myself . I had done a lot that week . Then near the end of the last week when things started to go wrong , all the pain and worry came back , and I ask myself why didn 't I know ? Why didn 't it hit me that I was doing this ? I 've come up with a lot of answers , but non that would make my boss less angry with me . AM showed up to see how I was doing and talked a little bit . She was only here for 10 mins maybe . She had to do something but we were meeting at 7 for popcorn . It was her way of trying to cheer me up , or to help me breath again . Well I finished up the report and sent it in with a note saying that I hadn 't realized that two weeks had gone by already . Then M the girl at the front desk asked to leave early to take her kid to a friend 's birthday party . I said that it was ok , I didn 't want to look all depressed around her anyway . Then I worked on organizing some information that I got about our teachers and what classes they taught . I then placed some of them in the data base that I was making for teaching faculty , and made some new profile pages for those that didn 't have one yet . I had sent a letter to R , My boss , Friday saying that I think I was finished with the IT department site , but I needed to have it looked over and asked for what was needed to be added or changed . I kept checking my mail , but I haven 't gotten and answer back from him yet . It 's not that out of character for me to not get an answer over the weekend , but I think that he 's either getting information to send to me , putting it off since it 's the weekend , or putting me off altogether because of what I did , and he 'll deal with it on Monday , if not later that week . Just before I went to the front desk to cover it and do some work on the data base , I remembered the tape for Dr . M , and went to get a VCR from one of the rooms . I hadn 't gotten one back yet . I was going to sit there and cut it as it was being feed into the computer , but I was called away by students , so I just left it to be record as a whole and I would cut it up later . I had to turn on the display to see where on the film that the Dr wanted me to cut and paste , and it wasn 't showing me on the VCR itself . I hope she doesn 't mind . If she does , I 'll just have to re - do it again . I finished it up and thought that I did a good job considering the times she gave me and the times I got were abit off . I then went back the front desk while it was stitching together the pieces that I gave it . AM showed up when I was looking though my desk for an old teacher listing to see if it had the information on it that I wanted that was now missing from the new listing . I didn 't find it , then we went to pop the pop corn . While we were out there we heard fire works . I don 't know who was celebrating what . I thought that it might be the Labour party . They won the election earlier that week . We sat outside and ate the popcorn and just talked about anything but work and vets and computers . We talked about Asian movies mostly . I helped her with a title of a movie , and I told her that I was going to show her the trailer for this other movie that she hadn 't heard of . We were gone for almost and hour , short 15 mins , it didn 't seem that long to me , but then she got me to stop worrying for a bit . I found her some trailers to watch , and I even got to see the new Blade 3 movie trailer . I had to tell her to be quite when she had the head phones on , she was being a bit loud . Then we did a little wallpaper hunting , and she helped me match a few teachers to the classes they taught . Then about an hour before closing she left , and I got back to the data base . I checked my mail again . Still nothing . Closed up when it came time , and put the VCR back in room 2 before I left . I was feeling a little bit better , by the time I got home . I was even ready to go to sleep at midnight , but then Nika started to have ear pains again . Early this year , Nika was in the hospital and they said that she had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis , and it seems that she may also have chronic ear infections also . Her ear hurt , as well as some of her joints . We weren 't ready to have her in the hospital again , but soon the crying had my sister taking her to the Emergency Room . I called a head to see how many people where there so we would at least know how long the wait was going to be . They take forever to get to people waiting in the ER . The nurse said that there were a good amount of people there , I asked again how many were there , she said that she wouldn 't know how many people would be when I got there . I told her that I just lived down the street , and I just wanted to know how many people where there ? I just got a good amount . So I said thank you and hung up . My sister didn 't like the answer either , since a good amount to one person could be 4 or 10 to someone else . Anyway , she carried Nika all the way up the hospital and I told her when she was leaving that I was would stay up until 3 waiting for them . She called around 2 and asked for some information on some medicine that Nika had gotten and we still had the box for . Then she came home a little before 3 . She told me that they were the only ones there when they got there around 1 , but they remembered her and it seemed to her that they didn 't bother with her for 30 mins . Anyway , they didn 't have anything to give her . The only kind of meds that they had to give her , she had a reaction to . So she got a script I think , and when she got home , Jhodie gave her maybe double the set about of her pain meds that she was giving her before . They told her what other meds for pain she could get for her , and I think that was about it . We were both tried and ended up going to bed at 3 am . I just feel scared right now . I shouldn 't . He said that he could movie on past this . I just have to regain the respect he had for me . Of course I have to sign some letter of reprimand that he is putting in my file next week . Close one set of ports and he shut down my torrent manager . Shut down another set , and there went my " hello " program . The only thing is I can 't ask to have those ports reopened , because they aren 't work related things . So now I 'm left with about 5 or 8 gigs worth of incomplete anime . What a waste . I 'll have to go erease them tomorrow . I just couldn 't do it today . I tried to show off my web work to them , while they waited for Ron , and all I get is that " I have a great smile " . I 'm hoping that 's because they don 't know much about websites , or they were more interested in content , then layout and design . I am layout and design . Oh well . I haven 't jumped yesterday 's blog , it 's saved as a draft . I 'll finish it up and post it tomorrow . I 'm off to bed now . For starters , I think we cleaned . Secondly , we took Nika out on her bike to get her peddling better . We were only suppose to go around the block . We went down the block , then took a left , and went past the block 's end , walked into an empty and over grown lot to see some watermelon . They weren 't as big as I expected . My sister , who took me there , said that she thought that they would be bigger after all the rain we had gotten . Then we took another left and in two blocks ended up at Nika 's school . This is where Jhodie decided to pick some young gooseberry plants to take home . Then I carried Nika 's bike as we crossed two streets to go into the graveyard . This wasn 't for Nika to practice riding her bike . We were in here to pick some plants for our yard or get some more seeds for some yelllow flowers . I liked some crawling purple flowers , but we didn 't pick any . On our way out of the cemetery , Nika held my skirt as we walked along a very low wall . We took our time on this little walk , by the time we got back we were gone for an hour . Then we all went down for a nap . We woke up sometime around 4pm I think . We were going back out again , one without her bike , and not as far as the deep water pier as we had said yesterday . So we decided to go down to the bay by this inlet next to Fisherman 's Wharf . You can 't go there all the time , but today the water was very clear and not rough at all . I tried to stay out of the water as much as I could , but soon Nika came over to throw water on me . I did not come dressed for the beach . I have nothing to wear to the beach . So in my jeans I sat down in the surf and held on to Nika every now and again when she wasn 't dumping wet sand unto Jhoide . There was a cruise ship in and we watched it leave before we started getting ready to leave . We were there until the sun was almost set , then we started to wash off . Both of us were wearing jeans . So we had to dump buckets of water down our pants to get most of the sand out . Then we hiked back up to the main road , then walked across the street to a water pipe to wash off the sand from our feet and sandals . Came outside , and my sister told me something about going out . Walked back into my room , got dressed , walked out and was told that my hair needed combing . Well I knew that . I washed it yesterday . It needed greasing and combing out . I came out looking for the afro pick . Took a bus down , went to the first baby store , and found one blanket , but we didn 't think that Nika would have liked it . I was had light brown squares in it . Brown isn 't one of the colours that Nika likes . She likes yellow , green , and blue . It was nice and soft , and if we couldn 't find one we liked better somewhere else , we would come back for it . We stopped off at this place called " best for less " and I told her that they didn 't have any blankets . She didn 't believe me . So we spent about 7 mins looking though the store . It 's a small store . We then went back the way we came to go to the fabric stores . We went to the first one on Liverpool Row , we looked at what they had , and my sister actually asked if they had fleece fabric . They didn 't even know what that was , but we did see some that we wanted to make some skirts out of . So on to the next fabric store . Nope , next baby store , the fabric store was closed . At the baby store we found a blanket for Nika . It cost me $ 36 . I then ended up throwing on a new pair of socks for Nika in there too . That was another $ 7 for the pair . Then we went my sister 's bank to get the money changed . That bank had a short line so we went in , then come out 30 mins later . Since it was getting late and Jhodie wanted to get some food from the new snacket that we found . She wanted to get there in time before they sold out what she wanted . On our way back we stopped off at the super market , don 't know why , but she saw that they had yogurt on sale . 99 cents each of three flavors that close to expiring . We took them thinking that we were going to eat them after our lunch . We did see the oddest thing while we were in the super market . They covered all the alcohol . We found out later that it was to kinda make sure that the voters were sober . Today was voting day . We caught a bus and got there just before 1pm and the place was full . I was starting to think that we weren 't going to get a chicken plate now . So Jhoide sat and waited her turn to order . We waited and waited , then we got the last two plates , : ) and we even got some passion fruit drink too . We thought that they had ran out of that too , but she had another bottle . We got home , eat lunch , I checked e - mail , then we took a nap . I then woke back up 30 mins later to get Jhodie up so she could go pick up Nika from school . A few hours later I was laying out some 4x4 lengths of wood for Nika to practice balancing on . Then I washed out a very dirty trash can and scrubbed it down with disinfectant . Then when I was clean again , I kinda helped with dinner . Afterwards she wish hadn 't asked . * oops * At least what I made was eventually edible . Other than that , nothing much . Watched jeopardy , that guy is still there . Watched re - runs of Star Gate : SG1 , then CSI : Mimi , then How Clean Is Your House . Then I went to see if G4 was going to show R . O . D . the TV . They did ! :) . . But it wasn 't a new one . : ( Ok . . time to check my mail again . Someone actually wrote me , an online friend actually wrote me . I told me him about this blog thing in case he didn 't my e - mail that I sent out a few weeks ago telling my friends about it . He wanted to talk with me . He asked why I haven 't been on line for so long . Well just about no one is on line for me to talk to if I do find the time to go on line , so I don 't really turn it on anymore . I still have that cough . I 'm getting really tired of it now . It should be gone by now . I 'm going to have to wait until Thursday to get meds if I still have it then . I can 't get any tomorrow , it 's a holiday , and I go to work early on Wednesday , so it 's Thursday . So that 's it . I 'll drink some water to keep my throat from hurting , then hopefully get to bed before 3am . I have to get up for a long walk tomorrow . We are taking Nika , she might get to go in the water at the beach we are passing . Her school is closed for the holiday too . But before that let 's start back at 1 : 30pm . I actually left the house to get to work somewhat on time . First I wanted to buy some OJ . I ended up having to walk like half a mile to find somewhere to by some OJ . When I got there it cost me 11 . 50 and it had mango in it . I didn 't have to catch a bus , someone who worked with me and were on their way into work gave me a lift . I got to work , and got right to finishing up that sga page . When it was done I asked my boss if I should send it to sga for them to look it over or just post it ? He said that it looked great and I should send it to the sga so they can have a look at it . I also sent Brian a copy since he is the only one that I knew that read the sga meeting notes . Now I know why I saw my boss come out of this office then go back in . He found my music on the server , and erased it . I had just gotten it back about a month or 2 ago . He has said that we weren 't suppose to keep such things on the server , but since I never had anything on the server until they wiped the computer I was keeping my stuff on clean , I never really paid them any mind . So he took my music off the server . For about 3 years I 've had my stuff on one computer on the floor . All my music , all my files , back ups of my three profiles , and it got wiped 3 months ago . I think he said that he saved them to his computer , but I 'm not completely sure . I said that I had them on the floor until the computer was ghosted . He was so upset . The only reason he cares that there was music on the server was because it 's backed up each night , and I was taking up 5 1 / 2 gigs of space with my music . Well after he left , I then moved my torrent files . He was complaining about my 5 + gigs of songs , it 's a good thing he didn 't see my 19 gigs worth of anime . I tried to fit them back unto the computer I was using before , but I never got as high as 19 gigs before , I almost filled the computer , so I had to split the anime up . Lucky me I still had some songs on other computers that I hadn 't gotten around to cleaning out yet , but was thinking about doing this week . Good thing I hadn 't started yet . I can 't go a day without music unless I 'm running around . So I pooled that music to another computer and made short cuts . I even moved my other files back to the computer that I was using before . I then made shortcuts back to my server folder so I don 't have to make new shares . He just got back over 20 gigs of space , counting the loss of my muisc . All that moving around took like 3 hours . Now I can 't re - seed some of torrents , now that they are on a normal computer again . At least not during working hours . I 'll have to set it up for when I close and have it shut down before the work day begins the next day . We had thunder and lighting with alot of rain . I got to stand outside with my umbrella again , but I didn 't have to pay for a bus this time . The ride for the new girl in the library gave me a lift home . Got to work a little late , like always . My sister didn 't wake me up . Anyway , got to work , the place was so cold . It 's been raining all day . By the time I left the house it had stopped for a bit . I took my umbrella with me just incase it decided to come down when I 'm trying to catch a bus . Got to work , no mail . Normal . Finished up scanning the documents for Dr . M . It took me longer than expected , but then I did cut in and out writing my blog for yesterday . When I was done with that , I moved up front to get on with the task of finishing the archive page for the SGA . I wasn 't going to go back to my desk . It was beyond cold . The lousy AC is all messed up again , and the rain didn 't help . When ever it could rain , or was going , the temp drops like 8 - 12 degrees . When it actually rains that 's another 3 maybe 5 degrees . Before I was finished with the scanning I had to call someone in to restart the server , since no one decided to give me the keys to that room . Anyway , the guy that came , didn 't let me know that he came , or I would have asked him to turn down the AC from in there too . They moved the control for the AC for that half of the room into the administer office to keep people from changing the temp . If the AC was a true AC in the first place , we wouldn 't have to keep messing with it . It occurred to me today that what I think an AC should do , most likely they don 't do . Unless they cost like 10 grand or something . I think that you should set a temp on the AC , and it has temperature detectors in the room , and it would adjust itself to keep the temp it was told . As far as I can tell it just pulls air in , makes it colder and pushes it into the room on timed intervals . The temp we tell it , just changes how long the intervals are . Well , somewhere around 6pm I turned the other AC control down to help fight the air from the second AC . I then worked on the site until 7 . I then went to make some soup to eat . Didn 't actually get to eat it until 7 : 30 - ish . After that little meal that I ate standing up in the doorway of our little kitchenette thing , I came back to playing a game that I was occupying myself with while the microwave was doing it 's job , and the soup was cooling a bit . The game is called Jewel Quest . It 's a nice game . It just gets really hard the further you get . At about 8 I went back to site work . I thought that I might as well get as much of it finished as I could . I had so much sorting to do before I could have linked them to the page , then resort again after bumping into a problem with how I though they were suppose to go . Made links for 30 documents and toyed with the idea of making them flash and opening them up in the same page , but that will have to wait . First I just want to finish linking the pdf 's that I have and making the window open at a set size . For the last hour of my shift I was the only one in there . So I worked and I sang out loud . Not a bad way to end a day . I was just hoping that I wouldn 't be stepping out into a major down pour . For an hour we had been hearing loud thunder noises right over the building . But when it came time to leave there wasn 't a drop falling . Lucky me . Once again I come home to no food . My said that it 's Saturday . She doesn 't cook on Saturday . Fine , munched on some bread , cheese , fig Newton and some left over rice and carrots . My throat is still sore . It 's been sore since Wednesday , but it 's feels a bit worst today . Every time I take a cough drop it helps for the time I have it , then it just comes back dry and scratchy . If I leave early enough tomorrow , I may be able to get some oj from one of the few stores opened on Sunday . Midnight came around and I changed the channel to go watch Inyuasha . That 's not Inyuasha . R . O . D . ( Read or Die ) the movie . I completely forgot . It 's tonight ! * grin * It 's the anime movie that came out before the series did , R . O . D the TV . Cool . My day started with my sister coming into my room and asking me about the school and animals . I said something about taking them to P . A . W . S . for adoption . She then say ok , which in my head at that time saw her holding out two kittens to me . I snapped awake more in fear then horror . Then she said " Oh no , they aren 't here , they are still outside in the street . " Ok , I 'm awake . Looked at the clock . I should be up anyway . I had and hour to get ready for work . I ate some arrowroot biscuits while I got dressed . At one point I found myself waiting for my sister to get back from school . I didn 't have the time to wait for her . I finished getting dressed , then left the house at 2 I think . It took about 5 mins for a bus to come by and pick me up , then there was another 5 of people getting off and on until I was my turn . I walked down to the guard house , and I was about to ask if my sister had left yet , when the guard told me that my sister was there waiting for me . It seems that they couldn 't find anyone from P . A . W . S . So I had to try and find them for her . Well , as I was about to walk into the admin building , Collin stopped me to let me know that the IT department was having a staff meeting at 11 : 30 . Fine . Then he asked about the list he gave me yesterday . I was so busy with making that SGA archive thing that I forgot . But he went over the list and said that I was missing the Ohio link from our list on the website . Fine I 'll fix it when I get down there . Then I told him about my sisters and the cats and trying to fine P . A . W . S . He went his way . I went on to admin . First I called the cell number next to the Paws in the club section of the school 's phone book . No one picked up . So I called the clinic , and as I 'm having the talk , with the girl there , I find out that they had gotten the cats from her , but that we shouldn 't really bring in animals because it takes so much to take care of them , and not all of them will get adopted . Anyway , left admin at about 25 past 11 . The meeting was a little late in getting started , but mostly it was to say that very big people were coming down , dress right , make the place spotless , and make the place look way too small . Which we didn 't have to try hard to do . We didn 't have space . We have a few days . I have the weekend to clean up around me , but since I don 't work Monday or Tuesday , most of the clean up will be done by the guys that work those days . The big wigs will be showing up on Wednesday . After that I bounced mail around . I got a lot from admin warning us about the election that is going on down here . Monday is election day , and the day after is a holiday so that who ever wins gets party time . At least that is what I think . We were also told to avoid polling stations as well on Monday . I 'm staying in my house the enter time unless I have the leave house to get some piece and quite . Down here we have Labour , and P . A . M . My parents were P . A . M . people . You think that republicans and democrats are harsh to each other , you wouldn 't want to see how P . A . M . and Labour fight down here . At least in the US , when they talk about someone doing this and that , and they slinging mud , they say the person 's name . Down here , the whole party is held responsible . Back to school . Well I had this e - mail thing going back and forth between a club pres . One she thought that we made and hosted club sites at the school . I told her that we didn 't , and pointed her towards geocities . for free web space and hosting . Then she wrote back and said thanks , then asked about her group e - mail change . I told her that from what I could see it wasn 't updated since I saw the name of a students who left a long time ago on there . So I had her send me the list so I could fix it now . Went into our server room and got the exchange server up and looked at the group members . I compared it to the list I got from her and found out that they had added the ones she said to add , and they removed the ones she said to remove , they just left the other people that were there , there . So I took them out and found out that they had gotten rid of one person by accident , and I put her back in . After I got her squared away , I bumped into a problem with Dr M . She had sent an e - mail with a list of teacher 's names to my boss asking who was in charge of the website . Most of the information was wrong . It didn 't really hit me until she came down to give me some papers to scan for her , that , that wasn 't my work . I then realized that it wasn 't our site that she was talking about . It was the one based in NJ . We don 't know why we have two websites for one school , but we do , and it 's confusing visitors . Before Dr . M showed up , I had already drafted a letter to the heads of the faculty departments asking them if they could please send me a current listing of teachers teaching in their department as well as the classes they teach . No one has yet to put most of this down for everyone else to get . Plus recently we had lost a few teachers , gained a few teachers , and some that were on vacation will be back in a few weeks or next semester . Ok , I started writing this almost 5 hours ago . The racket at the top of street stopped me and I waited this long hoping that it would be over by now , but it 's still going , and it just sounds like some crazy guy with a mic now . Part 2 / The end , will be posted tomorrow when I can think . See ya . Back , and I 'm playing my own music now . Jefferson Starsip - We built this city . I love this song . Ok , back to finishing up yesterday . Now where was I ? . . Oh ya . . trying to get lunch . Walked out the door then came right back to get about 8 or so carousels to take them back up to DR . T , so we can get the space back . Well made it up there to find out that he wasn 't in his office . So I left them in the building across from his office so I wouldn 't have to walk up with them again . I told a someone in that building that I was leaving them there so that I would find them come Wednesday , or Dr . T would if he went to get them himself . I have to send him an e - mail . Ok , on to lunch . Stopped half way up the steps . They 're closed . SHOT ! Great . Not happy . Ok , back down then . At 3pm I took over the front desk . As usual she left without telling anyone , at least with out telling me . One of the first things I did was start up the torrent manager on the other front desk computer and restart the one that she was using . I fooled around a bit , tried to find some pixel art that I had come across like 2 years ago . Almost found it . Will try again another day . Tried to find a crack for psp 9 . Tried to find older versions to download . I kinda like the look of version 8 better . Most places said they had the older version , but when you click on he link , you sent to the new one . I have 9 , I got 8 , now I 'm looking for version 7 . I 'm not sure why I want it either , I just do . For a bit I tried looking for resume software . I thought that I was getting for my sister since she had recently asked me to update her 's and to make it look a bit different . Then I thought that I could use it too . It 's time I updated mine . No one says that you should Waite until you need a job to update it . Besides with my memory , I 'll forget anything if I don 't write it down . I didn 't get to play any games tonight . No big . I 'm not paid to play . What else ? Oh , I started the scans for Dr . M . I had to end at page 7 when it came time to close up . I remember reading something looking for something , but I can 't remember what . Oh . . . now I know what . This . Well yesterday 's blog actually . : ) Well I closed up on time , and then left to try and catch a bus . A few students were leaving by the time I got up to the street . I expected all of them to go by my like normal , but someone actually stopped and gave me a lift . I was a spouse who sometimes worked at the day school . He had a high car , it was big step to get inside . I said thanks and we made small talk . There was another guy in the car , but I had no clue who he was . He turned off the main road to drop me off and there on the field across from my house they were setting up tents for the event to follow . Great . Once again I had to look out for that first step as I got out of the car . I said thank you again , and I walked home . Got home to fries in the oven , and Nika telling me that I 'm late . My sister was taking her to the movies to see " A Shark 's Tale " . They needed me to be there so I could " look after " Veary . I don 't know how to spell that 's boy name . You can 't really look after him , just clean him up after he 's already gotten himself into something , or just repeat the same thing a bunch of times , because he isn 't hearing a thing that you are telling him . It just flows through from one ear to the other . Well since I didn 't get home at 7 : 15 they had to wait until the 9 : 30 showing . I don 't remember when the racket that they call music started , but I know when it ended . 3am . 3AM ! I have to rip out most of the windows in house and put in better , new ones , and maybe some shutters too . Well I was up and out of the house around 10 : 30 to go to town . The day before my cousin from Nevis ( next island over ) came over to give us a letter that we got from our uncle in the UK . I took it to work with me , but I got bogged down with something , anyway , I didn 't open it . When I got home that night I gave it to my sister before the whole door thing started . Turns out he sent us 100 pounds . I was glad he sent us some money , but why so much ? The exchange rate ( for that day anyway ) was 4 . 50 . So at the end of it all , he sent us over $ 400 EC . Most of it was in money order form with my name on it , so I had to cash it . Hence the walk about town . Once we got there , we did a little shopping . All those nice things that we couldn 't buy before we got , saving some to pay off our water bill . Oh ! . . Speaking of bills . The gov actually gave everyone a $ 500 credit with the lights department ( because of the power outages and such ) . So my bill for this month is gone . YES ! And maybe my next bill too if not most of it . We had to put off paying a few bills when Nika and I had to go to the doctor . It came up to almost $ 100 each for the doctor visits and the meds . We got some soup bowls that my sister has been trying to get me get her . There was only 3 of the kind she wanted . We got Nika a rain coat , a yellow smiley face cup and three cheap matching bowls . I got a face scrub for $ 20 , and some hair bobbles for Nika . She was low on bobbles . We got some paper for the new printer I just got the day before , and they had that desktop paper thing on sale so I got that too . Then we went to Ram 's ( on the bay road ) and looked in what we called the discount isle for anything we wanted . When we left , it came up to $ 99 . 90 . You think you have money , and you buy a bunch of stuff at cheap prices , but in the end it adds up to more than you expect . The two paper things that I got from the computer place was $ 17 , and $ 15 , sounds nice . . but I just spent $ 32 . I get so happy when I have money that I forget to count some times . : ) Work wasn 't that bad . I got there on time . I don 't know how that happened , and I ate lunch before I left the house , so I was set . I 'm trying to remember what I did at work . . . I remember what I did at the end of my shift . I worked on a web page for archiving the SGA meetings . I had so much files to turn into PDF 's . It goes back like maybe 5 semester . We have 3 semesters a year , and each semester has like 9 - 15 meetings . I 'm going to finish it up tomorrow . I have the main page built . I put it in frames so they could scroll down the list of past meetings . I may have worked on that for the last 3 hours of my shift . Before that I can 't tell you I what I did . Oh well . It did rain my entire shift . So I didn 't go out until it was time for me to leave . I 'm starting to think that I spent most of yesterday on that web page . I had to make the pictures for it , convert all those files , the put most it together . I did pay a bit of e - mail tag , answered some phone calls , but I think that 's it . Ok . I 'll take it . : ) When it was time for me to leave I sat here and played the two songs that I have from Tatu while I rebooted the floor computers and I emptied the temp folders on this computer . Then 15 past 10 I left to try and catch a bus into town . I was left standing there for almost 40 mins waiting for a bus to show up . I had brought my umbrella with me , which helped with the little rain that came down when I was walking my way up the road , and the wind that hit my back while I waited . It was a cold and wet night . Ok , that was my day . Oh , I was upset that I miss CSI : NY . I keep thinking that I get to see it when I get home on Thursday nights . Guess I saw it when I was on vacation or something . I have to find out when it comes on . I 'm starting to think that I 'm trying to catch it on the wrong night . * a little history * 4 months after we moved into our house , some one repeatedly broke into our house and took what little we had until I caught him and stabbed him in the back , which lead to him going to hospital and being arrested . Now , he was using the back door to get in because it was a bit tricky to close at time . Once the house was mostly re - built , my sister put the last two blots that we had at the time on that door , and at night we would both check it to make sure that it was locked . * back to last night * Well , it has been raining really hard as of late . Just now we had a very long down pour . My sister went to close the windows in our cousin 's room , and found the door party closed and completely swelled and rain coming into the room . She wasn 't happy . To get the door closed , she had to call one of her friends to come over and shave down the door . So in the rain , they / he took the door off it 's hinges , cut it down with a power saw , and hang it back up so that her ( my cousin 's ) son could go to sleep . All of this happened after 9pm . Then to make it even nicer , my sister found her missing necklace that she was going to give Nika outsider her step in the dirt , missing it 's chain . She fumed for an hour , then waited for her to come home . We paid her friend $ 20 for coming and doing this for us , considering he was doing it for free since they were friends . I have to go and maybe close up some rooms tonight , before I go home . I 'll talk about today when I get home . Around midnight . I think this is . . . I don 't know where that is . It ( the picture ) was taken from a new train that the island got . All I can say for sure is that it 's in the country . : ) by Looks like I 'll be able get my tank of gas for the house after all . I was going to post a picture with this post , but I forgot that I can 't hit the enter key to start a new line in the program I 'm using . So you 'll see the pic after this post . It 's one of the few that I 'll be posting at my site soon . I didn 't take any of them . My camera isn 't that good . : ) It sucked that the place he was staying didn 't have breakfast considering he called and woke me up at 6 or 7 am . I don 't even remember now . I just remember laying in my bed with my door closed hearing a phone ring , and thinking if it could be ours , then thinking , ya it 's him . I made it to the phone to find out that he had lost my number . I felt like a teacher that a kid just used " the dog ate my home work " on me . Not that it wasn 't true , it 's that if it had to happen it would happen to me . Anyway , caught up , and stuff , then he had to leave . We parted much better this time around . We get along quite well in my opinion . I got home , took a nap and work up like I was at the gym . It took me a while to get moving again then I was fine . I got out and picked up Nika from school , then took her back out two hours later to get her ride her new tri - cycle . She can go down very slight hills , but she doesn 't want to work to come back up . We will have to work on that . I woke up somewhere around 11am , I think . One of the first things I asked when I became conscious was if I had gotten any phone calls . Not that they wouldn 't have come and gotten if I had . I was just asking to make sure . No he didn 't call . For the whole day I nibbled at food . I had a real meal tonight around 9 : 30 . Don 't know why I felt so hungry for . I washed dishes and waited for the phone to ring . I checked my mail thinking of the phone ringing . My back hurt from doing the dishing again and the mopping from last night , so I didn 't get much dishes done , and wondered if I could do anything if he did call . At 8pm I gave up on him calling . Nika got a new tri - cycle . Her godmother got it for her . She missed her birthday back in August . She likes it , but needs some time to get use to pushing on the pedals . Oh , I made my self dinner , was nothing more than Ramain since my sister got KFC from Nika 's godmother , for her and Nika . I was left to fend for myself . It was on short notice , and my back hurt . Or I might have done something like lo main baked with veggie cheese and with ground chicken and onions . Well maybe . I had some peaches today . : ) I did have one interesting phone call today . L a student called me up to say that she was willing to sell me her printer for $ 125 or $ 150 EC . I don 't remember which one now . She has no space at her place . Oh , this is the girl that gave me the half ride a week ago . Anyway . I get a printer . I just have to come up with the money in 2 weeks . If I can 't pay her the whole thing at one time , I 'll take it off her hands until I pays the rest since it sounds like she 's just dying for space in her new place . Again , I 'll see . Ok . Midnight , and G4TechTV isn 't showing the anime that I like , so I 'm not interesting in staying up and watching it . Besides , I 'm thinking of going walking tomorrow , and I have to wake up early for that . And I thought that I wasn 't going to have anything to do . My day was slow yesterday . Up until about 5pm I was finding ways to pass my time . The only big thing that happened until then was the new kid took the key to our offices with him again . But I didn 't make a fuss about it , because I didn 't need anything from inside there today , or I would have called up Collin to let me in . I did call the kid to see if he could bring it in , but he didn 't have any transportation , and he was far out in the country . St . Paul 's to be exact . Then it started . The rain . It rained , and rained , and rained . I got a leak next to the desk , I moved the trash can under it . Then a student called me to show a leak coming from the corner of a light by some computers . I went over and looked up at the light and saw the water dripping from the corner along with water on the inside of the light on the glass or plastic or what ever that is made from . Then in the matter of mins I found myself standing in water in the Library . I asked the new girl in the library where the water was coming from ? I saw some dirt or something like that and realized that it was coming from behind the wall and under the bookcase . I went to look at the room behind the bookcase and it was flooded t0o , and the water was coming from out undr the door . Well , before something really bad happened I asked for an umbrella to go and get blade because he didn 't have a phone . Ofcouse it was beyond pouring when I went outside . I tried to save my shoes and socks , but I should have just taken them off before I even went out side . My first step out and they was just about covered . Almost two inches of running water had flooded outside . I did find a " dry " spot by the trash cans and took off my socks and shoes before I went any further . Got down stairs and knocked on the door and realized that he had already left . Made my way back up the steps and walked back down the river and back inside . I was really happy I turned down the AC back when it started to get cold just before it started to rain . I then walked my wet feet to the back room to use the only phone that I had access to that could call a cell phone belonging to the guy we were suppose to call for things like this . He didn 't seem to think that it was that big of a deal and said that he 's get Blade to come . The guy that I got wet looking for . My sister had to use the computer and I was resting my back . I 'll let you know why in a bit . Back to yesterday . Well , 20 or so mins later when I was helping to unplug some of things in the room where the water was coming from Blade showed up . The water stopped him , then were it was coming from got him concerned . I then told him about my little light leak , that didn 't make him happy . A student from one of the study rooms came and told me that there was water coming in though window . I explaned that some students left the window up when it rained it ruined the seal , and there was nothing I could really do about it , but I 'll come and have a look in a bit . I helped the library out a bit , and called Collin up to come and open the office ( which is also our storage room ) so I could get some plastic to cover the computers under the light and to maybe let him know about our little flooding thing . I then went to have a look at the room . It wasn 't that bad , and I cleaned up around the window and on the desk by the equiptment . They had plugged out the APC 's and put the window coverings on the window still to soak up some of the water . Intresting . There was some water on the floor , so I went to get a mop from the library to mop it up . Blade had gotten them some bigger mops and he had a floor squize to push the water to one place . Well I got one , mopped up the floor in my reading room then helped the two girls in the library for about 20 or so mins . By this time , it had flowed from that room , though the wall , under and past the built in desk to the other side of the room under some computers and the copy room had water coming out and getting the carpet wet in the hallway . Oh , as we were just about finished dealing with the water ( Blade had gone and gotten a wet vac to help ) , a guard came by to say that the ceilling for one of the big class rooms had fallen in . Ya . I was gald that I was done , my back was killing me . I hurt it like 2 years ago . I was helping set up the new LRC and I hurt my back when I tried to lift up a table . Oh , Collin gave me a ride home . Not bad . I should have asked for him to give me a ride home earlyer . Oh well . Now at home , I got to see Farscape . yes . Then Inyasha , and wolf 's rain . Then I fooled around with the computer then went to bed around 4am again . I have to stop doing that . And that 's it . See ya . by Sorry I 'm so late . . . Had a second black out a few hours ago , and my sister got on the computer before me . She just got off to go to bed . Made it to work by 10 past , and got right to work . We were told yesterday that we were going to loose power at 4pm . I didn 't have much time to get the few things that I needed to do done . One was to make a copy of that tape that Ron gave me . I was actully making a copy of a tv movie . * shaking head * I have nothing against helping people out , but making a copy of tv moive that came out 6 years ago ? maybe less , but that 's so not what our job is . Guess that is why there was no rush on it . Well it 's done . It 's sitting on the desk next to mine . Next there was the last set of slides to do for Dr . T . I was happy that I only had like 24 to do , and that was my last set . Ya ! : ) I even had some time to sort through some pics that I got from a teaher . I 'm posting some new pictures of the island on my site this month it looks like . They aren 't half bad . I then got rid of this shutdown program that I was trying out . Not what I was looking for . Then I just got the one that all the others had and set it up . When I was told that we were going to start to leave the computers on about a year ago , I had to have them restart . From all the powerpoints and stuff that the students pull up , it would cut down on the crashes and stuff we got . So I got this little program that restarts every day at 6 : 30am . Also if you click on the icon in the system try , you can have it restart the computer , log out , shut down , or hibernate . Well , I looked down at the clock in the system tray and saw that it was almost half past 4 and we still had power . I either didn 't have much time lift , or . . . something . They desided not to turn off our power after all , they pushed it back a few mins , or hours , or a day for all we knew . Then I walked out unto the floor and started turning off the APC 's . I also asked the new kid to turn off the 6 that went down the middle of the two sets of tables . For us . The other girl who 's shift over lapped with mine , helped me to turn off some of the APC 's before she left . I was asked how long I was going to be there for , since as you know , the computers on the floor don 't work when we are on genarator power , which came on in about 20 mins after the power went out . I told everyone that asked that I was going to wait until sunset before I called my boss and asked him if I could leave . After all , what was is doing there ? There were no students , the only one that was there in one of the break out rooms that had a window , left when it got dark . We have a genarator , but it only kinda powers half of the LRC . One half of the floor and the room gets nothing , the other half gets only lights . The FDC gets lights I think , but that 's it . Only the offices on the left side of the floor and server room gets full power from the genarator . So after rocking out to my music on the speakers for about a hour , and outside was dark , I called up my boss and told him that no one was there , and they can 't even see their way to the bathroom unless they get a flashlight from the Library . She he said sure , go home . Just put up a sign first . Fine . Made up my sign , and left . I also left my torrents going too , and I didn 't set my restart program . I want to see how much data was moved when I get in tomorrow . Called up my sister and asked her is she wanted to go out . She said yes so I told her to get Nika dressed . I then had to waite for like 30 mins for a bus . Three passed me , and they were full . Guess eveyone was going into town for something . I got home and had to walk down the street that was very dark . I had to block out all light so I could see where I was doing . One light infront of you doesn 't help you see where you are going . After about 5 mins we were ready and walked down Adam 's Hill into town . We then saw that the power was dotted . It was suppose to be set areas , but it like this house had power , the one across the street didn 't , then on the other side of that street there was power . We need new grids . Walked into town , got side lined by someone I went to school with , then got money off the bank for me , and desided to go buy dinner . We got 3 $ 5 chicken and fry rice . Walked over to maybe the only offical bus stop on the island and ate some food , tring to kill time until 10pm . Nika got tired and the comfty bus showed up so we went home around 9 : 30pm . Got home , changed , sat in my sister 's room and ate . Nika laid down and went to sleep , then as the wind blew the candle out the lights came back on . I heard the beep from the computer before I saw the street lights coming back on . I 'll spell this tomorrow . Hope I wasn 't too bad with my spelling tonight . But I already lost my blog from before , I 'm not taking another chance now . Ya , we lost power again for about 30 mins maybe . No not that long . We say it was the rain . If it rains hard enough for long enough , the power will go out for about 30 mins to an hour . It had started to pour 10mins before the lights went out for the second time . Got to work more or less on time . Tried to fix the program problem for the girl . Still didn 't work . Decided to try and make it into a power point since the program exported pictures . I installed a new bit torrent manager . I thought that I was being bad not sharing the ones that I 've already gotten . So I had it running on two computers . All I have is anime . Closed up on time . Got home in good time . My sister made cook up . It was good . Tied my hair down . I got my sister to plat it yesterday or that morning , don 't remember . I wanted it to look good for Friday because of the Alumni students were coming to campus and I wanted to look nice for past friends . I would have been in bed sooner if Nika wasn 't still awake . My sister crashed , so I was up with here until 1 : 30am then I called it quits . I told her when she was done watching tv called mommy to turn off the lights and fan . She said fine , and I went to bed . In 20 mins she did . Anyway , I put on my current best shirt and skirt and went to school to meet who came back . I ofcourse expected to see only people I knew , but there were a lot of them that came from well before I started working there and I wasn 't even out at the front that much . I was there to say " Hi guys . " and wave from behind the desk like a happy secretary . Two of them came over and shook my hand . It 's a big desk . One was guy that has already been down here for the year , but came back for this anyway . I 'm starting to think that he 's not in love with his job in upper NY . The other girl didn 't tell me anything . They were on the tour , so she just say hi and ask me how I was doing , and I told her I liked her new glasses . Well , E did a nice thing today . She came and got me when see saw some of friends from past classes using the computers on the floor . It were the twins . : ) The gorgeous Puerto Rico twins . When they first came to Ross they had the Admin girls in a fit . They were the hottest things on campus until they left about a year and a half ago . Then when I had to come back out to cover the desk because E had to go to town , I saw him . I don 't ' know what to say about him . For one he actually came . I had a feeling that he might come , but ofcourse he didn 't let know this . When it was all said and done , by the time he walked out the door , he had my phone number and knew that I still lived in the same place . I 'm expecting a call from him on Monday . I also told him of my days off . Ok . . . back to the rest of my day . I had a small battle with getting a copy of the staff newsletter from G . We got it to something that looked pretty good on screen . Then she said that when it printed it didn 't look that great . Print ? ? We didn 't make it good for printing . I had to tell her a few times that it never crossed our minds to print it . Just to make it readable on screen . She said that everyone printed it . Then I told her that no one in our department ever printed it . So I had to talk to my senior person who was helping with this . We managed some kind of work around and it was set out just before 4pm . I think . Had a small tissle with someone from the housing department . She was so confused that it took a while to untangle her . Then I had to scan 9 document to see if she changed anything . So I to go back and forth between the copy that I sent her and the copy that she sent back to me . E came back like an hour before , now it was time for her to leave . I finished up what I was doing then I went back to finishing up the slides for Dr . T . Lucky me I had only 7 slides left . Finished up the slides , sorted though the slides and found the last set that I had to do . Those I 'm leaving for Saturday . I 'm starving . I got two dollars and walked across the campus to by some peanuts . You know those kind that you buy in the store that say 2 for $ 1 . That is what I was getting for $ 2 . While I was over there I decided to turn off the equipment . I got my peanuts , and turned off the things in the building , top and bottom . Then on my way back to my department , I turned off stuff in three other classrooms . Then I was back in front of a computer . Ok , I have like 3 hours before I have to go home , I checked my torrents on two computers and then just looked at the screen . Ok , I said that I would write my blog now , so I should get to it . Like normal , everyone fled the LRC like it was sinking ship , but I only had like 3 people there today . For one it was Friday , two , some of the students were at a party over at turtle beach with the returning students along with some staff , and three , most of the early exams were over with so they were resting a bit from studying , even it was for three days . The library was already closed . They closed at 4 . We were opened until 7pm . Well I called up blade to tell him that there were students here using the 24 hour reading room , then I called my boss to ask him if we should stay considering the generator didn 't power our computers on the floor . He said ya , go home after we turn off all the APC 's . Fine . Turn off 60 + APC 's then go home . I 'm out of here . I almost thought that I would be able to crash the Turtle beach party , but just the other day they were making fuss about RVSPing for the thing . Ok , I 've caught up for the day . I can 't do this two more time . I barely remember yesterday sad to say . But lucky for you I saved a draft of the day before . So you see that . Ok . . back to writing the blog I started over 5 hours ago . . . . Oh . . . I fogot that we didn 't have power on Wednesday night , so I didn 't see Enterprise , and tonight I was there in time to see it from the start and I passed it thinking that it was the re - run from last Wednesday until I came back half and hour later and said that I didn 't remember this part . Then my sister told me . Ah ! . . bad day . . . maybe . Got to work on time thanks to the husband of the lady that I give tips to . I 'm no longer calling them lessons . Lessons would have home work and you and would be taking your own notes . I had one thing in my head to do other than check the announcements to see if there was anything past due to be taken down . That was to digitize a video for seventh semester . The min I get my hands on it I 'm just about attached by a girl that already scares me . There turned out to be about 4 pieces to this tape , so after I digitized it , I had to go and split it up . Now I remember , there was another part that I have to split from everything else and post . I posted the other two . That last piece is so old that it 's in black and white . Looks like 1969 film . Well I was happy that I was leaving at 7pm today . The meeting that we had got rid of some of the time for me . Then around 4pm I ran into some work that didn 't want to get done . There is this lady that took over running the Staff newspaper because the other person left to go to school and she wanted to use MS Publisher , but for some reason she didn 't get it from someone in our department that she asked , so she went and bought her own software to make the newsletters . Well she made a great newsletter , but she was only one who could see it . So we tried to install something that would let her turn it into a pdf document . I tried two free pieces of software first , but they gave me less than great results . So I told her that tomorrow I 'll stop by with the full paid for $ 4oo or so version of adobe acrobat and install it for her . Then I tried to install MS Publisher for next time . I tried twice , it wouldn 't work . The computer would stop reading it when it got so far . So I have to get another cd . Great . I left her a note on her computer and left . Went down stairs and sat down when I saw that it was saving a part of the movie . So I went outside and sat at the desk to write back to one of the few people that still on occasion decide to write me , and I was 7 lines in when guess what . The lights died on me . And it didn 't just go in one shot . No . I slowly went , then came back , then slowly went out then BOP . Out . My luck . I look over at the clock . 6pm Just when I was suppose to go out and turn off all the class room equipment . I 'm not happy . I actually got my little self up and walked outside in the dying light into semi - dark room to try and turn off some equipment . After fiddling around in there for longer than I would like considering I knew where things were , I decided against doing the others . There 's my gift to the morning staff they won 't have to turn anything on expect the TV 's . Walked back upstairs to find that the new guy hadn 't turned off the APC 's . It sounded like a cricket migration . I got him to help me turn then off , then I waited until it was time for me to leave . About and hour into the outage I saw Blade . He was the one in charge of turning on the generators for now . I was going to turn off some of the other equipment when I went out the back to go home when I saw a sign on the back door that reminded me that I had to move a computer from the library 's reading room before I went home . So back in I went , left my bag on the desk in the hall , walked into the reading room , and got the computer , and carried it back to my department . Then I tried to leave again . Mummm . . it 's dark . It seems like he only did our part of this building and up by the teacher 's offices . Fine . I didn 't want to walk back though my depart to leave . I didn 't want the power to come back and have it find me in there . So I took the long walk up . The lights came back . . . . I kept on walking . I got a bus and came home . That 's It . I don 't remember . I don 't even remember what I had for dinner . Oh . . I 'm remembering . . I was yellow rice with liver and potatoes . : ) It was good . Jhodie ( my sister ) told Nika to come get me after the show was watching finished . So as soon as Wiggles was finished she came in and told me it was time to wake up . Don 't quite remember what happened after that . I did wake up . Oh , before I go much further . The reason that I was in bed so late was because I was up till 4am today . First I was just watching my anime at midnight then the one at 1 : 30am . Than I decided to see if I could fix the problem with office 2000 on this computer . It got corrupted by a virus and the fix for the virus , and I couldn 't uninstall it . So I 'm having to remove pieces of it by hand . Then around 3 , something possessed me to wash some dishes . So I did that for a long as my back could hold out . Wait ! . . I just remembered . I had to use the bathroom somewhere around 2am and I just about jumped out of my skin . I sat down looked up at the wall and almost screamed and mentally had to tell myself , don 't make any sudden moves as I got up and backed out of the bathroom looking for my shoe . Ran to the living room and came back with my shoe to see that it was still there . Half a foot long centipede . It was almost as long as my shoe . I were a size 111 / 2 wide . I slammed my shoe down unto it . Pushed really hard , turned alittle left and right . I heard the body pop and slush around . I reached for the small trash can and held it under so when I let go of the shoe it fell into the trash . I then washed off the sole of my shoe , and came back with the flit ( insecticide spray ) . I sprayed it 3 times to make sure it was dead . That is not a sight you want to see . Ever . Anyway , back to today . Well it seems that the sanitation department came by and said that they had some issues with how or yard looked . They have never shown up when the yard looks good . It 's like there is someone watching our yard to see when it gets really bad and then calls them . Well Jhodie walked around the yard with the person that came and they said what they wanted to say , and she woke me up to help her clean . We were going to clean it today anyway , so it didn 't bug me . The back drain had to be cleaned , I 've been putting it off for long enough . It was almost completely full of dirt . I had to shovel it all out . Well almost all of it . I had to have Jhodie finish it up for me . May I point out THE HEAT ! . . . Nika was outside with us the whole time we cleaned . We tried to get her to help , but mostly she just wanted to get her hands on the water hose . After we cleaned up most of the stuff and packed it away we let her have it and she soaked the two of us . She was happy . Giggling to herself the whole time . That took almost 2 hours out of my life and I got a work out , and the yard looks pretty good . The heat actually went away come 4pm today . For the past 4 or so days , it was just melting hot for the whole day . My sister is saying that she is going to make real garlic bread . You know , baking the garlic inside the bread . It 's so sad . I tried looking up how to make garlic bread on the internet a while ago for my sister and all I found was toast bread , mix this , and spread . That 's not garlic bread . That 's toast with garlic spread . Oh well . Let 's just see how it comes out . I 'm going to see if I fixed a little of my office problem , and find out why divx . com keeps closing IE when I try to open it . I was there for maybe 15 mins then a student stopped to give me a lift , and as soon as I was in the car , she said that she forgot where I lived . Ok . I live a mile or so away . But she said that she was going to drop me off before that . It would be safe . I said fine . I had nothing else to say . So I stood there , in the dark , at the top of a hill on a small curve , where I saw a wreck of maybe 3 cars a week before . Sure I was safe . Street lights going out all around and slowly coming back on . People thinking that they were in the grand - prix as they rushed by me . Ok . . . It was about 100 yards to a well lit , off the street bus waiting area at a gas station . I should be able to make it . When I got home everyone was already in bed . Walked past the computer and saw on the kitchen table that my sister made some meat patties for dinner . Went , got undressed , then came back for some . They were good . Could almost be store bought . It had that hint of pepper that sister later said she didn 't taste . I don 't do that well with spicy stuff . When I was in the back typing up the how - to for scanning 2x2 slides a newly appointed " Manager of Technical Services " stopped by and asked how I was and when was the last time I had a real check up . Sorry to say but I haven 't had one since I was 20 . Just before I left NY . Sometimes I think that I 'm just dense . I never seem to get these visions that they have for the LRC or the website , but he 'll make me see since I have to make it . We will be moving to flash soon . I know . . . just about everyone else has flash and have been using it for ages . Well , I 'm sorry that we are so behind . We are just starting to really grow here . The school is about 21 years old , we are new compared to most other colleges . Not that there aren 't others that are younger than us , but at this point , we are like the kid from college , getting use to being in the real world now . Well , I finished up the how - to . It 's not bad . I have a few pictures in there . You know , just to make it easy . : ) I did a few changes to the department 's web page . I 'm suppose to be redesign it , but I don 't have that much information yet . I have a very bare structure that is begging for information and a style sheet . Speaking of style sheets , when I had to take over for the real webmaster in NJ , I had to learn a few things fast , and one of the things that I thought she would know was done wrong . Which just made me wonder and left me with a mess that I bend to what I wanted at the time . But I can 't wipe it and start over . I don 't have that kinda time , since I don 't know what all the parameters are . Well it 's 6 : 15pm now . I 've had a slice of pizza from my friend AM . She brought it by for me yesterday , but as you know , I was home sleeping off something . I remembered that I hadn 't named the new computer that I set up for the scanner so I did that as well as ran spybot . We have a nice naming system here at school , so we can find computers easy in our VSS network when we try to do things over the network to it . Spybot I had to reinstall . After version 1 . 3 your 1 . 2 version won 't update anymore . It doesn 't even tell you , it just says that there are no new updates for you . So if you have the old version , you have to get the new one , and if you don 't know which version you have , get the new one anyway . I 'm here till 10pm and now I 'm trying to think of stuff to do . I started the list for our faculty database that we are making for the website , it 's almost half way done . Oh . . I remembered something to do . . . that took some thinking . I 'm going to go update the exam page for the students . When we opened up our new extended building , teachers started to use us as a testing center . So now we write up a time sheet for when we are having an exam so they ( the students ) would walk into the door because it 's locked . But it still happens anyway . * shaking head * In about a year or so , it will mostly be a testing center . I 'm going to update that page , then find something else to do . I may even go looking for new wallpaper . : ) Or atlest get back the ones that I lost . I did most of the talking , he looked in my ears , my nose and down my throat , then wrote me up a script . Just to hear him talk , I asked him if there was a way to test for Acid Reflux . He said that they would use an endoscope . Ok , paid him $ 30 for the little chat , then when went to get my meds . I handed over my script to find out that one for my ear infection was $ 56 . : ( ok . That was just about everything I had . I couldn 't even get the meds for my cold . I had already gone to the bank to get money to go to the doctor in the first place . By this time it was around noon . So I thought of getting something to eat that was on the really cheap side . So I was heading to get a salt fish and jonny cake , but when I got there the lady wasn 't , so I thought of this other place . I walked over there , waited my turn , then decided to get my money out before it was my turn . Looked in my bag , and looked , and looked , and only found $ 5 . Ok , no lunch for me . Went back out into the hot sun to catch a bus home to get some soups so I wouldn 't starve at work . Well I got home , took some of my meds with some of that aspirin and codeine stuff , and some of my left over cold meds . I had a hour before I had to leave , so I laid down for a nap . The sun stopped me a few time from even thinking of wanting to go home . At one point I just stood in the shade of a building and looked at the sun that I had to walk though to get to the bus stop . Well , I woke up 15 past 2pm . My shift started at 2 . My sister just got back from getting Nika 's meds , and she needed more money too . We got the same $ 50 odd meds for our ear 's . She said that I didn 't look that good and that I should stay home . I just said fine and stripped and fell back into bed . My sister got my ( bank ) card and went back to town to get the other meds . Including mine at another pharmacy . Don 't remember when woke up , think I had stewed turkey and bread , took the same meds again somewhere around 9 or 10pm . Had a headache for 3 or so hours . I was happy to see that they played Read or Die at midnight , and it turned out to be the first two that missed on Monday . My sister then put Nika to bed . She was up late because she took a late nap that afternoon . Well , I felt like playing a computer game . Amazingly it didn 't hurt my head . I played for 2 and half hours . I got to level 9 - 4 before I died . My sister is still stuck on level 8 . When I got up , then my head hurt . I got to see Wolf 's Rain , but I missed Inuyasha . Don 't know when I 'll see that episode again . Came down stairs , saw that they had set up a flat panel for testing reasons . I gave it a shot . I was more worried about how the pictures looked . I had heard that the colours weren 't that sharp on LCD 's . Granted that was old news for me , but I had yet to use a LCD other than on a laptop . Well , the colour was fine . Far better than I expected . It was the text that I wasn 't happy with . Some students may have issues with it , but at least we weren 't replacing all the monitors with LCD 's . They are just for the new 24 that were going to put in over break . I finished up the office switch , and all the updates for it . I even got to skin my profile with style xp . I use to use something called windowblindes . I haven 't checked in a while , but style xp is really good too . Anyway , two hours before it was time for me to go home I started sneezing . Great . : ( My noise started to run , the back of my throat started to get itchy . Oh , and don 't forget my ear infection , that 's back too . At 10pm I couldn 't take it anymore , the pain was making that side of my head plus with pain . I tried laying down , that just made it worst , so after a while to hoping it would stop on it own , I took four ( 4 ) aspirin & codeine phosphate pills . I thought it wore off an hour ago . Pain killers don 't work that well for me , so I actually believe that it wore off when I felt pain in a hour , but it 's gone again . Guess it was a flare up that I was feeling . 5 years in NY and my ear didn 't bug me once . Granted I 've been back a bit longer than 5 years , but it was around the 4 year mark that my ears started to act up . Oh , and Nika , my sister 's child is having one of her things again . Earlier this year it had gotten really bad and she was in the hospital for a week . I was in the hospital for a week too . My sister stayed all night with her , and I would show up in the morning so she could go home and take a nap , get something to eat and take a bath . Then she would come back in time for me to go to work . I hated having Nika in there . Oh , both of them live with me . It started to act up today . The doctor said that it can be triggered with a cold . She had that last week . We hope it won 't last long or get too bad , but she has already started to cry about her ear . Last time , this lasted for 4 or so weeks off and on . Anyway , I 'm having my sister take her to her doctor before it gets to far along , and I 'm off to see a doctor before I can 't talk , but I 'm sure she is going to tell me that I have to see an ear , eye and noes doctor for more help . The only good thing is that now that I 've fixed the computer for the scanner , I 'll be getting the rest of my pay for the job , and I can afford to go see one . Once I 've found one that is . I was hoping to use that money to get and extra tank of gas . I might still be able to pull it off . I 'll see . As for something on the happy side of life , Star Trek : Enterprise premiered tonight . I had actually forgotten how the season ended . They are going to be spend some time fixing the problem that they currently have on their hands . This may be 7 episodes long . At midnight I watch a new anime that G4TehTV has . It just started this week , but I missed the first two shows . It 's called " Read or Die The TV " Shortened to ROD The TV . It 's a nice show . It 's only 26 episodes long . But not everything can be as long as Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball , or the Gundum set . My sister cooked . I was stewed turkey with carrots and some pasta . She wanted me to add some cream corn to it , but I 'm saving it for something else . HaCHOO ! Now I 'm back to sneezing . I 'm going to spell check this thing in word then I 'm off to bed . Currently it 's 1 : 30am , and I have to get up for the doctor tomorrow . You see , there was this computer that just desided to kill it 's video card . I spent a few days trying to get that fixed but it just wouldn 't let me . I even swapped out the cards . It wouldn 't have any of that . So I told the other people in my department that it was down . I has been over a month . No one else has touched it . So , the other day I asked my boss about it , and he said that I could have such and such a computer to replace it with . Thank you . Picked it up , and one of the guys I worked with said that he wanted to look it over because it use to belong to our network adminastrator . So I left it alone for a day . The next day , picked it up , and proceaded to fix the month old problem . I started at 3pm . At 9pm I was finished . I managed to find and install the scsi drivers and drives for the very old 2x2 scanner . I uninstalled all the programs that the former owner had on here , and got it down to a standared system as much as I could . I did move some of the stuff that I didn 't think I should get rid of to the next hard drive . I 'm going to look though some of the install files that he copyed from the server to get rid of the ones that are outdated , or we still have . What 's let will just go back to the server . Well , after I was finished , the same guy who said he wanted a look at it , said he still wanted to look at it , but I told him that it may be too late now . I cleaned it pretty good . Now that I think of it , I don 't think that he will get near this computer . He 's too busy with other things . Now , I 'm replaceing MS Office . It had 2003 installed and it was buggy , so I uninstalled it and gave it office 2000 . Only two people on campus are using 2003 . Eveyone else knows ( more or less ) and uses 2000 . It just finished installing . I have to restart the computer , do the office updates , then leave instructions on the computer on how to use the 2x2 scanner . : ) Aah . He 's done . Just came back . I went to help him shrink them , save them to zip disk and make a folder . Yes , he doesn 't know how to make a folder . That answered one of my questions about his server folder . Oh . . . and the stain that I thought wasn 't that bad 5 hours ago just gave it that nice accent it was missing . This is why I can not wear white . The only white thing that I own are socks . AHHH ! ! and I noticed this all when I was walking around campus turning off the AV equipment in the classrooms . It didn 't help that I had to walk up a long lit room to talk to a guy that I think might like me . He was playing a game on his laptop between study sessions . Other than that , I closed up all the rooms with incident . I even got a nice surprised with payment of a side job that I did over break . I didn 't get to finish the job , but the guy felt that he had to pay me something . So I was able to buy lunch today . :) . . . I just wish the salt fish wasn 't salty . I see you raising your eyebrow . Salt fish is salted so it can be used at a much later date , but all of that salt is supposed to boiled and washed off before you make it into some edible . The other guy who got the same thing as me said that it wasn 't so much as being salty as there was something strong in it . Either which way , I may go for something from the cafeteria upstairs next time . The food they have is good , it 's just that a plate of food is like $ 20 odd while the other food that I got was $ 14 . I know , some of you are saying that , that isn 't a lot to pay for good food , and I agree . I just can 't afford it . Maybe once every two weeks I can get a meal from up there . I bring this up because this is what I ran into today . I normally go by this lady 's house to help her do computer things and maybe teach her something . I think I mentioned it in my entry . Well I went by and she was showing me what she backed up on cd . Most of it was just short cuts to programs . She 's felt bad about loosing her stuff . It took her a while to scan them . She wanted to make a slide show of her life and her husband 's life before and after they meet . A real sentimental piece . She backed up her stuff because she was suppose to have her system re - installed because it came with a used version of xp installed so it couldn 't get service packs . She got it back the other day and I went by to help put things back on it , to find out that wasn 't completely fixed , and some parts were software jerry riged and it has lost some memory . It started out as a 128 , but when I looked at it today it was 96 . I don 't know what this guy is going , but she is saying that she wants her money back and is going to get a computer from somewhere else . Ok . . I 'm done my small rant . Oh . . . if you are looking for a new computer , and you have $ 800 to spear . . . check this out . I would buy it myself it wasn 't going to mean me spending 2 grand of my own money . Bisccottiies . I think that is how you spell it . Let me check . Nope it 's Biscotti . I was kinda close . . just got happy on the doubles . : ) I 'm getting off now to rest my head . I may cancel my walk if I still feel this bad tomorrow , but not the lady . I have to see what state her computer is in . Oh . . . . I can cook . . . . I just haven 't in 6 or so years . Not that I get take out or eat junk food , my sister lives with me and she cooks . . . just not today , so I ate Biscotti 's and milk . I had a nice wait for a bus to take me home . It 's Sunday , so it 's up to each bus driver if they want to work today or not . I 'm happy that some deside to work so I can get to and from work . Lucky me I got a ride home from a student who lives down the road for me . Not that I knew that at the time she picked up . It was full a few days ago , and lit up the whole country side , but it still had a nice glow to it and it was kinda yellow . I think it rose like an hour before . Anyway , I was looking at the stars , and I remembered a Star Trek clip . Yes I like Star Trek . I 'm still waiting for them to do the proper ending for DS9 . I 'm just starting to think that there isn 't going to be one . Anyway , it was from one of the genaraion 's movies . . . they were on a planet and found out that the " native " people weren 't from that planet , and something on the planet was keeping them from aging . Oh , before I leave , a little self promotion . . . I have a wallpaper club that I just updated . Actully every start of the month I update it . Wish I had a bit more space over there , but for now it 's the best I can do . So if you ever need some new or intresting wallpaper , you can stop by Wallpaper for Everyone and pick up something . I took this a while a go when taking pictures of around where I work for the website that I was just given charge of . This didn 't make it . . but I still like it . This will kinda sum up what you will be getting from me . The whole thing may be on the pretty side . . but there are alot of thorns . Like life . see ya around . by |
Biscuit didn 't know quite what to think on Christmas morning . I got him to follow me up the hall , then about halfway , I ran ahead and turned the video camera on him . He rounded the bottom of the staircase , and took a look at the big red and yellow Little Tykes car that was sitting under the tree . He looked at me , he looked at the car . He looked at me , he looked at the car . Then he did an about face and walked right back up the hall looking for Da - da . Jeff finally carried Biscuit back into the living room to check out what Santa left him . He got books , a chair , clothes , big Lego blocks and the Little Tykes car . It took a while for him to take in everything , but with his gifts from Santa , plus gifts from family and friends , our little Biscuit is having quite a time with all his new treasures . As the Christmas season started , Biscuit just wasn 't sure what to do when someone handed him a wrapped gift . He would stare at it , then look at me for guidance . I would start to unwrap it , thinking he would get the idea and help , but he would just watch me until it was unwrapped , then he 'd take the toy away from me and go play . I was pretty excited when I handed him a present from a couple Jeff and I are friends with , and he immediately started poking at the paper . I punched a hole in the package and set it on the coffee table . Here 's what happened next . . . NOW he knows what to do with a wrapped present ! Posted by Biscuit has experienced his first real loss . Let us observe a moment of silence for Mr . Colander . . . May he rest in peace . Mr . Colander was the first and favorite piece of Tupperware that Biscuit discovered . It was always the first thing he 'd grab out of the cabinet . Mr . Colander got Biscuit through his first teeth by acting as a giant teething ring . But Biscuit 's teething comfort was Mr . Colander 's ultimate downfall . One day a few weeks ago , I found a piece of white plastic in the kitchen floor . I couldn 't figure out where it came from , so I just threw it away . A few days later , I found another piece of the same plastic . It was on the floor about 6 inches away from Mr . Colander . That 's when I realized that Mr . Colander was falling apart . It was time for him to go . Here is a photo in remembrance of Mr . Colander . Posted by Biscuit was starting to look like a little hippie . So we decided it was time for his first haircut . Jeff said he 'd just take him to the barber he goes to , but I wanted his first haircut to be special . I considered taking him to one of the salons that specializes in kid haircuts , but decided that the lady who cuts my hair would be the way to go . I made back - to - back appointments for Biscuit and me . I also asked Jeff to come along so he could hold Biscuit on his lap while I took pictures . We had no idea how Biscuit would react . But as usual , he was pretty laidback about the whole thing . He really enjoyed all the stylists and customers making a flirty fuss over him . He grinned and blinked his eyes at them . My stylist put a drape around Jeff to keep the hair off him . Then she put a cute little green drape around Biscuit . She started snipping , and I started snapping . I was also holding a Ziploc bag while the stylist handed over little tufts of hair . Biscuit was a trouper . He sat still until the stylist was done . Then when she got him to stand up on Jeff 's lap for the final touches , he was amazed by his own reflection in the mirrors on both sides of the salon . In a very short time , he went from a long - haired baby to a styled little boy . We refer to Jeff as " The Daddy Man . " But Biscuit recently had a visit with " The Big Man . " Yep . We went to see Santa Claus . Grandmama and Grandpapa Stacks were up for a visit from S . C . on the weekend we decided to go . The boys decided to skip our shopping trip and just meet us later for lunch a the Santa visit . When I was looking for a Santa for Biscuit to see , several co - workers and friends told us where to go . This man has been helping Santa for 30 years . They all said he is really patient and really kind to the kids . Plus , you can take your own camera to take pictures . And that is what really convinced me . I knew I could get the exact pictures I wanted . So imagine my dismay when we sat down for lunch and Jeff realized that he had forgotten the camera . The restaurant was about 15 minutes from home , so Jeff left lunch early and went to get the camera . We decided to go over to the shopping center and get in line for our visit . Imagine our surprise when we got there and there were no other kids or families there . There was no line . Santa and his helpers were standing around just waiting on someone to show up . They kept looking at us , I guess they were wondering what we were waiting for . So finally , I said , " We 're waiting for my husband . " Santa looked up and said , " Take your time . I 'm just stretching my legs . " I started walking around and saw a sign that said , " No cameras allowed . " Of course , for the first time in 30 years , they decided to get a contract with an online photo site . So here we were waiting on Jeff to drive 15 minutes home to get the camera . Drive 15 minutes back . Park in the madhouse parking lot of a large shopping center . Make his way into the building where Santa was , only to have me tell him that we couldn 't even use the camera . I decided to use my cell phone and tell him about the no - camera sign while he was on his way back . That way , he 'd have time to get over being mad at me before he got back to where we were . Jeff finally made his way back to where we were . We took Biscuit up to where Santa was standingPosted by Every year in early December , Greensboro has a Friday night of music , food and tree lighting called Festival of Lights . Ever since Jeff and I have been together , we 've never both been off work on that Friday . But this year 's Christmas miracle was that we were both off work with no other plans on the night of Festival of Lights . I knew it was going to be cold and crowded , but I told Jeff that even if we were there for 10 minutes , I wanted to go . So we left our car in the N & R parking lot , hauled Biscuit 's stroller out of the trunk , bundled up and walked a couple of blocks to the festival . Remember that kid in " A Christmas Story " who said , " I can 't put my arms down ! " Well , that was Biscuit . Check us out . We left the Festival of Lights and went to a Candle Tea at a co - worker 's Moravian Church . Church members dress up in traditional Moravian clothes and they sell crafts , candles , wreaths , chicken pies ( made by the church ladies ) , sugar cookies , sugar cake and other baked goods . There 's a building beside the church that they call the tavern . When you go in , there 's a big fire place , a Christmas tree with old - fashioned decorations and lots of candles . They serve pieces of sugar cake and a really sweet , milky coffee . That 's a traditional treat for them . Biscuit missed all of it . He saw so much at the Festival of Lights , that he fell asleep in the car on the way to the Candle Tea . I couldn 't figure out a way to get the sleeping baby into his coat , so I just put him on my shoulder and covered him from head to toe with a thick Winnie the Pooh blanket I had in the car . You could tell there was something draped over my shoulder , but you couldn 't see hide nor hair of a baby ! There was a live manger scene in front of the church , including a cute miniature donkey . As I walked past the angel , a man did a double - take and the blanketed bundle in my arms . " Did you just steal Baby Jesus ? " he asked with a smile . " Yep . I 'm taking him home with me , " I answered . We continued on our way until we saw everything there was to see . As we were leaving , Posted by Biscuit and Jeff were in our bed one morning while I was taking a shower . I had propped pillows around Biscuit and he had fallen back asleep . So Jeff decided he 'd go back to sleep , too . As I came out of the bathroom , I saw Jeff shaking his head laughing . " What 's so funny ? " I asked . Jeff said , " Someone woke up before I did and must 've been a little bored . I woke up to the feeling of one little finger in each of my nostrils . " What 's the old saying ? You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose , but you can 't pick your friend 's nose ? I guess it 's not true after all ! The Daddy Man is too tall to give Griffin a bath in the bathtub . So I guess being short has some advantages . I can kneel beside the tub to get the job done . So when The Daddy Man volunteered to give Biscuit a bath one morning , I was more than a little curious to see how he was going to do it . Jeff decided that the only water - holding receptacle that would work for him was the kitchen sink . Of course , it didn 't occur to him that he should scrub the sink before he stuck Biscuit in there . So I took care of that and made sure the water was warm enough . Biscuit loves taking a bath . So I figured as long as he was surrounded by water , he 'd be fine . I was wrong . He did not like the kitchen sink . . . at all ! Witness the look on his face . It 's like he 's saying , " What did I ever do to deserve this ? ! ? " WARNING : This blog post includes what may be graphic language to some people ! Or it might just be in bad taste to share this , but hey , isn 't it the mama 's job to embarrass the kid ? : ) You know a morning isn 't starting well when you hear The Daddy Man say to Baby Biscuit , " Dude ! You 've got grits on your weinie ! " A post from The Daddy Man : Kim had to work Saturday , so the boy and I stayed home . I had a bad cold , and Biscuit had gotten himself a raging case of pink eye . Needless to say , it wasn 't a fun day . Biscuit couldn 't decide whether he wanted to be held or put down to walk around on his own . He was sleepy but he didn 't want a nap . As I surfed the TV channels looking for something to watch , I came across a bluegrass quartet singing on a public access channel . Biscuit stopped right in front of the TV and didn 't move a muscle until the group had sung two whole songs . And then when the third song started , Biscuit walked over to the piano and while still looking at the TV , he started playing the piano with one little hand . I think my boy likes music . Then later in the day , some church kids came around selling candy bars . So Biscuit followed me to the door and was all excited about seeing the little kids . After I gave them my dollar , I closed the door and Biscuit watched the kids walk back up the sidewalk . He was tapping his hands on the glass , talking to the kids as they were leaving . But once they rounded the corner and he couldn 't see them anymore , he sat down on the floor and just wailed . He was inconsolable . I guess he thought they would stay and play or something , but it was clear that he was not ready for them to go away . He 's a funny little man . My Biscuit has 6 , count ' em , 6 teeth now . And he 's learning how to use them on all sorts of things , including furniture , coasters , toys , clothes , sippy cups , food and most recently . . . MY FINGER ! ! ! Here 's the proof ( and don 't look at my horribly dry cuticles ! ) : Posted by Can you believe that they take school pictures even in the infant room at Biscuit 's day care ? This is actually the second time he 's had them taken . They do some in the spring and some in the winter . I asked the teacher if they propped his hand up on that sleigh in the first picture , and she said not only did he prop his hand up on his own , he also crossed his feet like that . I guess he 's so used to having a camera stuck in his face that he knew exactly what to do ! Here 's our Biscuit , posing for the photographer . Back during the spring , I wrote a post about all the clothes Biscuit had . We have several hand - me - down hookups , and we were very lucky at our showers to get clothes in various sizes up to 18 months . Biscuit is still small for his age , so he hasn 't gone through clothes as fast as a lot of kids do . He turned a year old on Nov . 9 , but he 's still wearing a few 9 - month size outfits . Most of what he has now is the 12 - month size , though . Biscuit seems to be built like Jeff . He has a long torso and shorter legs . So we have to cuff most of his pants so they won 't drag the floor and trip him . So here 's the update . In the 12 - month size , Biscuit has : - 47 pairs of pants - 32 shirts / onesies - 19 pairs of pajamas ( 8 pairs of the fuzzy warm ones for winter ) - 6 jackets and 2 heavy coatsI guess he won 't go nekkid this winter , either . One of my friends is having a baby in early December . I was telling her husband about all the clothes Biscuit has , and then I said , " Do you know what that means ? " He asked what , and I said , " It means that next winter , YOUR baby will have 47 pairs of pants , 32 shirts / onesies , 19 pairs of pajamas , 6 jackets and 2 heavy coats ! " I had hot chocolate and popcorn as a snack this afternoon , and it took me back to my childhood . After church some Sundays , my girlfriends and I would go home with each other to spend the afternoon . And at one particular friend 's house , her mama always made hot chocolate and popcorn for us to have while we played Barbies . Then I started wondering what foods would take Biscuit back to his childhood when he 's older . He 's doing better with his eating . He hasn 't had a bottle in almost a week , and he just hasn 't seemed to mind . He loves drinking milk from a sippy cup , and he 's getting better at chewing . Ms . Terri at Biscuit 's day care does all the cooking , and she is super excited that Biscuit has started eating some of the regular food at lunch time . One day he ate two chicken nuggets , a few bites of corn and some peaches . Then another day , he had chicken and rice , green beans and applesauce . I 'm not sure why Ms . Terri has taken such a liking to our boy , but she makes quite a fuss when I take him in every morning . She laughed last week because I told her that on rainy nights , Mama would often make breakfast for supper . We 'd have grits , eggs and bacon . She said her family did the same thing . So on a rainy night last week , I cooked grits and eggs for us . I chopped the eggs up into little pieces and stirred them in Biscuit 's grits . Then I used one of his little spoons and started to feed it to him . I 'm not sure if it was the mixing of textures or what , but he would reach into his mouth with two little fingers , pull out the pieces of egg and swallow the grits right down ! I told Ms . Terri about it , and she said , " Oh boy . We need to fix that . You HAVE to eat grits and eggs . " I agree ! I 'll keep working on it . I wasn 't sure what we should do for Biscuit 's first birthday . I didn 't know if I should have a party for his day care friends and some other babies he spends time with or if I should invited a few of my friends over or if it should just be me , Jeff and Biscuit hanging out at home . I was leaning toward the last choice , because let 's face it , Biscuit wasn 't going to know the difference . But I was quickly told my Mama and my sister - in - law that there would be a party of some kind . So finally , I figured out a quick and easy way to do it . Samantha 's birthday is only a week away from Biscuit 's . So on the weekend we went to S . C . for Samantha 's party , we could also throw Biscuit a gathering with just family . Samantha 's party was on Saturday , and I figured since everybody comes to Mama 's house to eat on Sundays , that we could just add a cake and some presents onto the end of the meal . I made a small cake just for Biscuit and covered it with Cool Whip and a couple of spots of icing . Then I made a regular cake for the rest of us to eat . I found this cute little decoration kit for a high chair . It included a plastic floor mat to catch flying cake and a first - birthday banner that went around the edges of the high chair tray . Someone had given him a My First Birthday bib , so with all of that in place , we were ready for a party . I put his cake in front of him , and at first , he wasn 't sure what to do . Then he stuck one finger in the Cool Whip and brought it to his mouth . He decided it was pretty good , so he went back for more . He ate pretty much all of the Cool Whip off first , then he beat the daylights out of the cake part with his little hands . After cake , we stripped him down , cleaned him up and put him in a new outfit . Then we took him into the living room to open presents . As with the cake , he wasn 't sure at first what to do with the presents . And that 's where the cousins came in . They helped him unwrap his gifts , and then came playtime . He took a push - toy he got into the kitchen , and when Jeff went to check on him , he yelled to tPosted by I 've got so many Biscuit blogs to write that I had to make a list . I figured since it 's already late into November , we 'll back up and talk about Halloween . I hadn 't planned on doing Halloween for Biscuit this year . He couldn 't eat any candy he got while trick - or - treating . He couldn 't wear a mask or any makeup . Prime time for trick - or - treating was right around his bedtime . And with the flu floating around everywhere , I didn 't really want to expose him to all those people . But I was in Walmart and they had these cute little costumes that were made like footed pajamas . Plus , they were on sale for a really good price . So I couldn 't help myself . I bought Griffin a little monkey suit ! I still didn 't want to take him from house to house , so I asked Jeff to bring him into the office the Friday afternoon before Halloween so I could show him off . So here 's my little Halloween monkey . The road in front of Biscuit 's day care is a busy four - lane street with a turn lane in the middle . The problem is that you have to get into that turn lane just after passing through an intersection . And there are those oh - so - nice drivers going the other direction who get into the turn lane about half a block before the intersection and often have to swerve back out of the turn lane to keep from running head on into us . They desperately want to make a left at the intersection and don 't seem to understand why I need to be in their way in the turn lane . I 've complained about this from the first day I took Biscuit to day care . Jeff has empathized with me , but he had never experienced it for himself until last week . He offered to take Biscuit to day care one morning when I was running late , and I took him up on it . Jeff said he turned on his blinker and pulled into the turn lane . As he looked up , this old white station wagon was barreling toward them , moving gradually into the turn lane . He said he was starting to get nervous because the car wasn 't slowing down fast enough . Finally , the station wagon came to a stop right in front of his car . Behind the wheel was an 80 - year - old woman . Jeff smiled and motioned to the day care center to let her know why he was where he was . And she just stared at him and sat there . So he motioned again , and this time even mouthed the words , " I 'm going to the day care center . " I 'm not sure if the woman was half - blind and couldn 't see what Jeff was trying to tell her or if she was just mean , but the next thing Jeff knew , that little old lady 's arthritic middle finger popped up from behind her steering wheel . Then she yanked the wheel of her car back into traffic almost getting plowed by a truck . Jeff was so stunned by her actions , he didn 't know whether to be mad or just laugh at her . I guess there isn 't an age limit on road rage . Biscuit is finally starting to accept the fact that he will at some point have to eat food with texture . Remember the " swallowing razorblades " post from last week ? Tonight for dinner , I baked him a sweet potato and added a little bit of butter and cinnamon . And I steamed some broccoli and carrots and put them in a light garlic sauce . He ate about 6 or 8 tiny bites of broccoli with no bad faces or cringes . The carrots weren 't quite as well received ( I can 't really blame him here . I don 't like carrots , either ! ) . Then he had about 6 or 8 small bites of the sweet potato . And for a special post - dinner treat , he had pieces of a ripe banana . I think he would 've eaten the whole thing if I had let him . But I figure his eating is like everything else . He 'll get there when he 's ready . And until he complains , I 'll just keep shoving different foods into his little mouth . Until recently , Biscuit has had pretty much unlimited access to the kitchen cabinets . I wanted to see how interested he was going to be before I went to the trouble of installing cabinet latches . Let 's just say he was more than a little interested . For the past week , I 've had a thick dish towel threaded through the cabinet handles under the kitchen sink ( those cabinets hold cleaners and chemicals ) and a pair of cabinets across the room ( they hold candles , vases , candleholders and other breakables ) . The dish towels were working fine , but I knew it was only a matter of time before he figured out how to finagle his way in . So imagine his surprise when he saw that the dish towels were gone . Then imagine his disappointment when he jerked the door , thinking it would fly right open , only to have his little arm stopped short by a little white latch . He doesn 't like the latches one little bit . He spent a good part of this evening jerking the doors and yelling at them . You could almost see the lightbulb flash above his little head when he made an about face and headed toward the Tupperware cabinet . I swear , he almost looked panicked . But he jerked on the door , and it popped right open . He turned and faced me , then gave me this huge grin , as if to say , " Okay . As long as I have the Tupperware , we 'll all be fine . " Biscuit has a new name . Or at least he does to two of the little girls in the toddler class . Biscuit 's morning teacher is finishing up her degree at a college in town . On the days she has classes , if there are only a few toddlers , they sometimes combine the toddlers class with the infants until Biscuit 's teacher arrives . Yesterday morning was one such morning . It was fun to see the toddlers because the three that were there were in Biscuit 's infant class when he started day care back in February . It 's amazing to see how much they 've changed since then . Of course , I say that every day about Biscuit , too . Anyway , when I brought Biscuit into class , I set him down and two little girls immediately ran right up into his face . One was yelling , " Fiffin ! Fiffin ! Fiffin ! " and the other was yelling " Fifi ! Fifi ! Fifi ! " I can 't say I like them calling my boy names that sound appropriatefor a miniature poodle , but it 's really nice to see him playing well with others . I finally have proof that Biscuit can walk . Do you know how hard it is to catch him on video ? I had to trick him by running down the hall and calling his name over and over . So here he is doing his drunk Frankenstein stroll . : ) Posted by I 'm not at all biased when I say that our Biscuit is a musical genius ! He can play two instruments at once while singing his little head off . I was worried that once he found the guitar and piano in our living room , that we 'd have to teach him ( as with the TV and DVD player ) that those are hands - off items . But the first time he touched the guitar , he was really gentle . He rubbed the slick finish on the body of it . Then he reached up and plucked one string like he knew exactly how to do it . In his process to get better leverage , he reached up to grab the piano . His fingers just happen to hit right on a couple of notes , and to his surprise , that thing made noise , too ! So he spent about 15 minutes plucking a guitar string , then hitting a piano note , then yelling some kind of sing - songy noise . I 'm telling you , we can put some cymbals between the boy 's knees and we 'll have a one - man band ! Here 's the debut of Biscuit , musical talent extraordinaire . Biscuit loves to eat . It 's a fact . If he sees you making a bottle or you strap him in his high chair , you better be ready to stick something in his mouth . Otherwise , he will whine and fuss and holler like he 's never eaten in his life . The funny thing is that he has so much patience with pretty much everything else . But not food . So I assumed that he would be raring to go when it came time to let him start trying finger foods . I was wrong ! The first time I tried to give him one of the little puffs that are specifically made for babies who are just starting to eat real food , he gagged and choked , and I finally had to yank him out of his seat and beat him on the back until he spit it up ( the puff and half his lunch ) . It rattled my nerves way more than it rattled him , so I had to wait a little while before we tried something like that again . So now that he has four teeth with two more on the way , I figured he was ready . Wrong again ! I 've tried to give him mashed potatoes , squished banana , bread crumbs and a few other things , but he wanted none of it . He gagged and licked his tongue out and made horrible faces , pretty much like I was asking him to swallow razor blades . So I bought some of the Level 3 baby food to try . It has the same flavors he 's used to , but the consistency is thicker and even has a few tiny chunks of pasta and veggies . The first couple of jars were rough . But then I started sending them to day care and giving them to him for dinner . Between all of us , I think we 're finally seeing some progress . This past Monday night , I baked him a sweet potato and put some butter and cinnamon on it . He ate about five bites of it . I had made a spaghetti squash with garlic and parmesan for Jeff and me , so I figured , why not , and gave him a few pieces of that . I could tell his was a little freaked out by it , but he ate it just fine . I can 't tell you how excited I am at the prospect of this kid loving garlic like Jeff and I do ! So then Jeff broke off a few little shreds of broccoli and gave them to him . He chewed a Posted by The moment has arrived , and now we 're in trouble . The Biscuit is starting to walk . Lock up your valuables , everybody ! Lately , when he stands , you 'll see him holding on with one hand , but when he swaps to hold on with the other hand , there 's a quick second when he 's not holding on at all . The first time Jeff and I saw this , we exchanged a look that was half " DID YOU SEE THAT ? ! ? " and half " Lord , help us . This child is heading for trouble ! " We knew that it was only a matter of time . So one night a couple of weeks ago , Biscuit was crawling behind me as I walked from the living room to the kitchen , and he was whimpering because he couldn 't keep up with me . So when he got to the kitchen , I squatted down in the floor and helped him stand up . Then I just let go of his hands , and he took two steps right back into my arms . It was amazing ! And yes , I cried . Partly because it was so exciting and partly because I can 't believe how fast he 's growing . He 's up to walking short distances now , and he 's starting to stand up without having to hold on to anything . It 's really funny to watch him figure out his balance when he finally makes it upright . So watch out world , The Biscuit is mobile ! Once Biscuit started crawling , he soon discovered that there were all kinds of areas of the house that he hadn 't explored . He can run his hand up and down the return vent for the heating and air system and make a really cool noise . He can slip and slide around in his pajamas on the hardwood floors in the dining room , including spinning around in circles if he gets his hands adjusted just right . He can stand by himself at the doors in the kitchen and watch the wonderful world of the backyard . With all of those new and cool options , you wouldn 't think that the most fun he 's had recently was when he discovered the Tupperware cabinet ! We call it the Tupperware cabinet , but it holds all the assorted Tupperware , Rubbermaid , Ziploc and Glad plastic containers we have . All sizes of round , square and rectangle bowls with floppy lids , plus a few other cool items including colanders , pitchers and the old - fashioned ketchup and mustard squeeze bottles . This , apparently , is Baby Heaven . It contains all the things that can make my little Biscuit happy . I can 't even pack up supper leftovers without him pulling out bowls and lids and whatever else he can get his hands on . I usually go behind him and stack everything back in its place . But one day last week , Jeff came home and said , " Um , why is the colander under the kitchen table ? " I rolled my eyes at him , pointed to Biscuit and said , " Guess ! " Jeff and I had to go to a funeral Saturday afternoon for a co - worker 's father , and it got me thinking . First of all , after years of hassling my brother about getting a will done , I realize that now more than ever , Jeff and I need to make a will , too . I want to make sure that Biscuit is taken care of , moneywise and by making sure that he would have a place to go if something happened to Jeff and me . But the thing that really got me about the funeral is when the man 's sons talked about him . They said things like , " My dad was the greatest man I 've ever known " and " I 've never known a better person . " Hearing those comments really hit home for me . They made me want to try to be a better person for Biscuit . I know there are plenty of things Jeff and I will screw up while we 're raising this little boy , but I hope one day that he can be proud of us like I 'm sure we 'll be proud of him . Saying that I 'm afraid of water doesn 't quite do justice to the fear that I have . It 's only been a few years since I started putting my head under the water in the shower instead of wetting a washcloth to clean my face . I 'm not sure where my fear came from . I didn 't almost drown or lose my family in a tragic boating accident . I was never tortured by anyone plunging my head under water . So where did the fear come from ? I don 't know . I 've wondered if it 's DNA . That it might be genetic . That I was born with a fear of water and drowning . Which of course led me to consider that if that 's the case , the fear could be passed on to Biscuit . I missed out on so much because I couldn 't swim . . . pool parties , skinny - dipping , cannonballs off the diving board , rope swings that send you flying into a pond . But it wasn 't just that I didn 't know how to swim . It was that I really couldn 't swim . I couldn 't get any deeper in the water than my shoulders without starting to hyperventilate . So imagine how happy I was when Biscuit thoroughly enjoyed himself in the kiddie pool on a recent camping trip we took . The kiddie pool was zero entry , so I held his hands and led him into the water . I figured he 'd stop once his feet got wet . But nope , he kept going . He kept walking until the water was up to his chest . And the best part ? He wasn 't the least bit scared . I leaned him over so he could put him arms under the water , too . And I swear , if I had let the kid go , he would 've glided through that water like a tadpole ! He was making all the right motions . It took everything I had to stay calm , but I didn 't want him to sense any kind of anxious feelings from me . Bending over to help him walk doesn 't feel great on your back after a while , so I thought I would lead him out of the water to take a break . He planted his feet and wouldn 't move another inch . He was not ready to get out . I 'm so excited that he didn 't inherit the water fear . I 'm hoping to get him swimming lessons soon . But until then , I 'm satisfied knowing that he ain 't skeered ! I have no idea where September went . We went camping with my family the second weekend , and after that , I can 't recall much of anything that happened . I checked in and realized that I had only written one blog for the whole month . I asked Jeff , " How could that have happened ? " Then he reminded me . I usually write blogs on Friday , Saturday and Sunday , but high school and college football start in September , so Jeff has to work on the copydesk every Friday night to help with the high school stuff , then he has to go to and write stories about a college football game every Saturday , which , including travel , takes pretty much the whole day . So by the time Sunday rolls around , I 'm ready for us to spend some time together ( and I 'm ready for someone else to run around chasing Biscuit , too ! ) . So I guess I need to find a new blog writing time . . . at least until football season is over . Oh wait . . . then comes college basketball . Biscuit has figured out that he has two hands . And most of the time these days , he wants to have something in each of those hands . His new favorite two - handed toys ? Socks . That boy can amuse himself for an hour straight with a sock in each hand . He can sit still and wave them around his head . He can crawl with one in each hand , although it does get pretty dicey once he gets to the hardwood floors in the dining room . As he 's crawling , his hands slide too far out in front of him , and he ends up lying on his belly . Then he gets frustrated and starts fussing . Once he 's done with the socks , he 'll sometimes grab a block in each hand and try to crawl . It sounds like a pirate with a peg leg walking through the house . When my niece Alyssa was little , she always wanted something in each of her hands , too , but it was usually something to eat . Jeff used to love to see her walking around holding her little hands in the air , dropping cookie crumbs as she waddled . As a matter of fact , any time I make cookies , I always have to give Jeff two at a time so he can raise them over his head and copy Alyssa 's waddle . So I guess Biscuit gets his two - handed playtime honest from his Daddy . There 's a lot going on with Biscuit 's mouth these days . He 's got two pretty little teeth on the bottom in the middle . And he 's getting ready to get the two middle ones on the top . ( The picture at right was when the bottom teeth were about halfway through . ) The first tooth gave Biscuit fits . He had a fever , tenderness , diarrhea ( which I didn 't even know could happen with teething ) , diaper rash , grumpiness and obviously , mouth pain . We quickly learned that Infant Tylenol and Baby Orajel are our friends . Because of this , when the second tooth popped in , it really did seem like that 's how it happened . It just popped right in . . . no pain , no drama . We 're still waiting to see what happens with the top teeth . So far , he 's just become the ultimate slobber master . It 's worse than having a little puppy around the house . We walk around constantly stepping in little puddles of drool , and we sit down on furniture with wet spots on the edges . Any time we hold him , we either have drool down the fronts of our shirts or on our shoulders . And if we 're sitting with our legs propped up , he 'll use our legs as chew toys . It isn 't so bad right now with only two teeth , but I predict a few bite marks in the coming weeks . The other thing that 's been coming from Biscuit 's mouth lately is all sorts of noises . He 's mastered the da - da - da , ma - ma - ma , ba - ba - ba noises . I 'm not sure how long it will be before he makes those noises and realizes that he 's referring to Jeff , me or his bottle . Biscuit also makes all sorts of random noises . He has a motorboat noise ( play video below ) . It 's really funny when he makes that noise as he crawls . It sounds like he has a little motor that 's making him go . He also makes a lot of razzing noise ( also , see video below ) . And he makes just plain ol ' hollering , whining , laughing , humming , mumbling types of noises ( you guessed it , see video below ) . Biscuit is now the proud owner of a brand - spankin ' new pair of Carter 's tennis shoes ( Jeff calls them sneakers , but we 're still debating which term our Biscuit baby will use ! ) . One of the questions I had for the doctor at Biscuit 's checkup was what kind of shoes he needs . He 's not walking yet , but we are doing the practice runs with him by holding his hands and leading him around the house . Biscuit and I are going to S . C . for Grandmama Stacks ' birthday this weekend , and I knew my nieces and nephew would want to help him practice , too . So I figured we should go ahead and get something to protect his little feet . The doctor said that some people would disagree with him , but that for right now , all he needs is some soft , comfy shoes that will protect his feet from any sticks or rocks he might step on . These little Carter 's shoes are just the ticket . I was surprised to learn , though , that just as the rules have changed about most everything baby - related , the shoe guidelines are different now , too . You used to have to get those white leather boots with the hard soles . Now , they say that the babies should go barefoot as much as possible so their feet can feel the floor . They say it helps adjust their balance and stride . Of course , our parents put us to sleep on our bellies with a bottle propped up on a folded blanket without washing off our teeth , after we rode in the front seat of the car with no car seat or seatbelt swigging whiskey and smoking Camel unfiltereds . Okay , maybe we didn 't do the last two things , but I 'm just saying that it 's amazing how much the rules have changed . But like everything else baby - related , I think you just have call your mama , use some common sense and just do the best you can . And Biscuit will do the best he can in some stylin ' new kicks ! I can 't believe that Biscuit is 9 months old already . I took him for his checkup last week . He fell asleep on the way from day care to the doctor , so when we got to the office , I put him in his stroller and wheeled him inside . The receptionist and nurses ooh - ed and ahh - ed over him . And I said , " Yeah , he 's cute when he 's asleep . " I 've used that line before , and it 's gotten good laughs . But apparently , the people at the doctor 's office just aren 't my audience . We really like the pediatrician practice we choose . There are about 8 doctors , so on the few occasions we 've had to get an appointment quickly ( one ear infection , one shot reaction and one case of the croop ) , they 've always worked us in with no problem and no complaints . We also like all the doctors we 've seen so far , especially the primary care guy we chose for him . Biscuit weighed in at 18 pounds and 8 ounces , and he 's 27 1 / 2 inches long . Then the questions started . Babies have their first checkup appointment usually a day or two after you get home from the hospital . Then at 1 month , 2 months , 3 months , 6 months , 9 months and 1 year . So seeing as this was our sixth checkup appointment , you 'd think I 'd know the routine . I did start getting him undressed as soon as we went back . You have to have them in a dry diaper for the weigh - in . But I always seem to forget about the questions . And they 're the kinds of questions that always make you feel put on the spot . You know , like when someone asks your address or phone number when you didn 't realize they were going to ask for your address or phone number . They ask things like : How many hours does your baby sleep during the day ? How many hours does he sleep at night ? How often do you feed the baby ? What do you feed the baby ? How active is the baby ? How is the baby 's temperament ? How many diapers does your baby go through a day ( specify how many wet and how many messy ) ? How well does your baby control his or her head ? Does your baby imitate your facial expressions and sounds ? Does your baby put objects into his or her mouth ? DoPosted by As I mentioned last week , our Biscuit is on the move now . And he 's getting faster and more skilled every day . Trying to get him to hold still for a diaper change would work a lot better if they made itty bitty straightjackets ! So Jeff and I have been spending a lot of time lately walking around behind this little crawling man . Every so often , he turns around to make sure we 're still back there . Then he turns back and heads on his way . We went ahead and bought a gate for the bottom of the stairs knowing that it wouldn 't be long until Biscuit found the steps . I did a lot of research on safety features and installation . Our staircase goes up in the middle of the room , so there aren 't walls to connect a gate to . So I Googled it . What did we ever do before Google ? Anyway , I found several reports of screw - mounted gates that wiggled loose with the movement of the banisters . They also left big , ugly holes in the posts at the bottom of the stairs . One dad ( think Tim the Toolman Taylor ) suggested that you drill holes all the way through the posts and thread larger - than - needed bolts through with big , clunky nuts on the outside . I 'm no interior decorator , but I 'm thinking that would not be the most attractive of living room accessories . I found one woman who had her husband use Zipties to attach their gates . There was also a couple who said they were on the verge of building a permanent fence at the bottom of their steps that they would just step over every time they wanted to go up or down the stairs . Apparently , my Google search included the words " crazy people " and " lack of common sense . " I changed my search a little and found all I ever needed to know about pressure - mounted gates . They 're perfect for when you don 't have walls near the stairs , and there 's no permanent damage to the banisters . But most importantly , they get the job done . They block the stairs so Mr . Biscuit won 't take a tumble . I found pressure - mounted gates ranging from $ 20 plastic ones that you step over to $ 200 fancy scrolled wrought iron ones with a door that Posted by I 'm a 40 - something first - time mom . Age and education did nothing to prepare me for motherhood . It 's the most wonderful and scariest thing that has ever happened to me . |
Wednesday morning I was awakened at 4 : 00 am by a very loud thunderstorm . Thursday and Friday mornings I have been awakened by the fog horn that my husband thinks is an alarm clock . I really don 't like his alarm clock . It is the loudest alarm clock that I have ever heard . Many days , my husband wakes up by his internal alarm clock , just before the fog horn goes off and he turns it off before it wakes me . I so appreciate that . He must have been very tired these past couple of days . He is a very hard worker and also very diligent about waking up early to work out . I don 't do well without sleep . God blessed me with children who sleep unbelievably well because He knew I could not handle sleeplessness . In the past eight months plus that the boys have been home , I have only had to get up during the night with each of them once . It was two nights in a row and they were both going through terrible fevers . Other than that , they have always slept through the night or put themselves back to sleep if they woke . I am indeed very blessed and very very thankful . I have been a grouch yesterday evening and again this morning and I am not happy about that . . . . and neither are my husband and children . I am praying that God will give me the strength and self discipline to get rid of this grouchiness and be joyful . I am still reading The Well - Trained Mind book and I think it is really great . I 'm sure I have said this a few times already . I need to write a post about why I think it is so great and I plan to do that ( if I remember ) . Right now , I have things to do to prepare for our trip to Arizona . This will be our first family vacation together and it will also be the first time my husband 's family and many of his friends have met our children . I am really looking forward to it . It will be nice for us to get away for a few days . I must get some things done before the boys wake up from their naps . I was trying to get a few pictures of Nick , while I was trying some of his new clothes on for size . Ben was with me when I was shopping so I tried them on him in the store . Nick likes putting on the new clothes but then does not want to take them off . He was also not very cooperative in my picture taking endeavor . In this picture , I think he was trying to undo the rolled up pant legs . I have to roll them up a couple of times . I may have to break out the ole ' sewing box and tack them in place to get them to stay up . If any of you have an easier solution , I am all ears . I 'm not much of a fan of sewing , sadly enough . I wish I was because I would love to be able to sew some dress up costumes for the boys but , oh well . That 's the way it is . So , he started out happy enough and actually posing for my camera work . As you can see , these jeans are pretty big on him . The smallest size that The Children 's Place sells in adjustable waist band jeans is 24 months , which are really big on my little guys . But at least they will be able to wear them for a long time . When I tried to get him to pose " just once more " for me , this was the response I received . You may not be able to tell very well but he is definitely NOT smiling . Needless to say , I gave up soon after this . Here is Ben , sitting next to his little teddy bear cake , made from cupcakes . Everyone thought these cupcakes were very yummy and we were all a bit surprised that they were so good because we got them at the Walmart bakery and the ones we have had from there in the past were not that good . The icing was really yummy . In this picture my nephew Trent is watching Ben play with his new fire truck . My mom gave this to Ben . It is really cute and came with a little book titled " Ben 's First Ride " . How 's that for a perfect gift ? Now for the good discovery . You know how very noisy some toys can be ? And , every time you switch the toy to the lower volume level , your child will switch it back to loud ? Well , I have figured it out . Two words : Duct tape : ) . Take a small piece of duct tape and roll it into a small ball with the sticky side outward . Stuff it into the space next to the volume switch , so that it can no longer be switched to the louder mode . You have to make sure that the piece of tape , rolled into a ball , is the right size so it does not stick out once you have stuffed it into place . Duct tape is so very sticky that it will be very difficult to get out and pretty much impossible for a small child , if you have the right amount of duct tape stuff in there . This won 't work for some toys because the volume switch is also the on / off switch . But many toys have a separate switch for the volume and also a separate switch for English / Spanish . Now , some toys are still way to loud , even on the lowest volume . For those toys , I taped right over the speaker with duct tape . I tried taping over just part of the speaker but they were still too loud . Believe it or not , with tape over the entire speaker and the volume on low , the sound from the toy was right at a good level . So far , the boys have not noticed the tape over the speakers . The two toys that I did that to are trucks and the speaker was underneath . The duct tape is so sticky that I think they will have a very hard time getting the tape off when they do eventually notice it . It is absolutely amazing how loud they make some of these toys . They must test the volume in the middle of the loud factory or something . I have fixed all of our toys that can be fixed and life is much more pleasant around here now : ) . My husband was very happy about it also . I have started putting the boys on the bar stools at the island for their breakfast and snacks . It is really working out very nicely because I can visit with them while I do dishes and clean up . I think they enjoy it and they feel closer to me while I work . When they were sitting at the kitchen table , they would pat the chair next to them and tell me " chair " or " sit " because they wanted me to sit down next to them while they ate . They are not doing that now , so it works out nicely that I can be near them and still get a few things done , while also still talking to them and singing to them while they eat . My sweet husband brought me these flowers a few days ago . He is a very thoughtful man : ) . The boys point to them and say " flower " and then point outside and say " tree " , over and over again : ) . These flowers smell wonderful ! The boys were looking so cute on this day that I just had to take a picture of them . I know I 'm a bit biased but , aren 't they cute ? ? Ben has started this thing about smiling so much that he squints his eyes almost shut . It 's pretty funny . They didn 't really want me to take their picture and were not real happy about having to stand still for this , so they did pretty well considering . Here is one of the few pictures we have of me with the boys . My husband took this one recently . I am usually the picture taker so we have a ton of pictures of the boys and quite a few with them with my husband , but not so many with me . I don 't really like pictures of myself that much though , so I am OK with that : ) . The boys are waking up from their nap so I will have to post the rest of the pics later . They took a late nap today because we went to the mall this morning . More pics to come soon . Yesterday I started wondering what we were doing this time last year because I knew it was around this time that we finally got " the call " . So I have spent some time re - reading last year 's posts . Wow , what tear jerkers . It doesn 't seem like it was that long ago either . I think it was October 3rd of last year when we got " the call " . I have read so many of the old posts now that I am not sure but I think that 's right . What really got me tearing up though was all of the prayers , support and encouragement we received from other 's and those who had already been there , done that . Things were so busy at the time that I don 't think I really appreciated it enough . It was really touching for me to read back through what everyone wrote . Thank you all again for all of your support over the past two years or so . It has really meant a lot to me . The other thing that stands out so clearly to me is how incredibly blessed we are . Everything with our adoption and during our past 8 months home has gone so very well . We prayed so much for our boys when we were waiting to find out who they were and also between trips and there were so many other people praying for them too . God has answered our prayers and they continue to do so well . They have attached incredibly well . We have never seen any attachment issues . Both of our sons have always made great eye contact , have enjoyed our hugs and kisses and have never seemed to be grieving anyone or anything . They have always seemed so happy and content to be with us , wherever we are and they are both very healthy . And what a wonderful blessing they are ! When I look back at the early pictures , I just can 't believe how much they have changed in 8 months . They are so sweet and such good friends to each other . They really have a lot of fun together . I know it is a risk to adopt two children at the same time , in the event that one or both of them have major issues . We are very blessed that neither of our children have had any issues and I am so happy that they have each other . I really enjoy watching them play together and it is so much fun to watch their personalities emerge . They really enjoy each other a lot and we enjoy them immensely . I sometimes remember back to sitting in their empty room and trying to envision what it would be like when they were home . I did not even come close to imaging what it would be like . I have had some major adjustment to go through myself and sometimes it has been a challenge for me . It took some adjustment for me to get used to not having much personal time . That was the hardest thing for me . We went through a lot of sickness for a while that was really trying for me also . I think I probably went through some feelings of depression a couple of times during the first 6 months but it didn 't last long and was not very severe , thankfully . I never once questioned whether we had made the right decision or regretted any decisions we had made . My love for our sons has always been increasing , since the day we met them . Now , I am used to our new routine and so are the boys . I enjoy their company , although there are still times that I pray that they will take an extended nap and give me a longer break . . . . but it is usually when they have been extra cranky / whiny in the morning and it is clear they really need the extra sleep . They are much better about letting me get things done while they play , which has made my life a lot easier . Part of the difficulty when they were first home was that they would really start acting out when I needed to cook dinner , or something like that . Now , they normally play pretty well together during these times and they understand that " I have to cook dinner so we will have something to eat when daddy gets home " , or " I am fixing you a sandwich to eat " . They get what that means now so they normally don 't fight for my attention when I am doing these sorts of things . After reading last year 's posts , I ended up feeling like I have been complaining too much , since the boys came home , and that I have not been thankful enough for what we have . The reality is that I frequently think about the fact that I feel like I am living my dream right now . I am happily married to a wonderful , thoughtful , Christian husband . We have two beautiful , happy , healthy , sweet little sons and I get to be a stay at home mom , which was always a dream of mine . We are living near my family , so I get to see them much more often than I have been able to for about the past 20 years . We really like our church . We have a comfortable home , where it is a joyful place to raise our sons . Yes , I am an older mom and am dealing with some back problems but the flip side of that is that I have already been there and done that with the career thing , am happy to be out of corporate life and appreciate my new life so much more because of having been through the career ladder / corporate life thing , and we have had time to save our money so we can live debt - free , comfortably and not worry about having enough money to live on one income . The best thing of all is that I have a wonderful , loving Heavenly Father , who is always there for me , no matter what I am going through . He never gives up on me , even when I forget to pray or read the Bible or act unbecoming - like . He is always willing to forgive me and give me a new start . He has given me the desires of my heart , even better yet , He has made the desires of my heart to be those things that He desires for me . He brings me blessings every day and I am so very thankful , most of all , for Him . There are some days when I don 't feel as if I have been a very good mother . But when that happens , I wake up the next day and am comforted by the thought that each day is a new day and I have another chance to do better . I think God is a lot like that . We have our good days and our bad days but He gives us new chances to do better each day and He is rooting for us to do better , to be more like Christ , each day . I thank God for all the blessings He has given me . I thank God that I am living my dream . We have been very busy the past couple of days with all of our social activities . We went to dinner with two other families from our church Bible study class on Friday and we all had a really nice time . The boys behaved wonderfully the whole evening . They are such a delight . The first half of yesterday was spent running errands . This time we split up . My husband put the third car seat in his car ( for the first time ) and he took Nick and I took Ben to run our errands . We had been discussing that we really need to start spending one on one time with the boys and this is a good start . The other benefit of this is , oh my goodness ! , how much easier and faster it is to run errands with only one of the boys with me ! ! I couldn 't believe it . Ben and I went to Tuesday Morning to pick up a couple of things that I needed , then to another place to buy my mega bottle of hair spray , then to the mall to buy some clothes for the boys at The Children 's Place , then to Walmart to pick up the birthday cake . I could never , ever have done all of those things with both of the boys , especially the amount of time we spent at The Children 's Place . It was so nice , although , poor little Ben was getting pretty tired by the time we got home . . . . but that was OK because it was time for his nap . I stumbled into a wonderful sale at The Children 's Place . I ended up getting four pairs of jeans at $ 11 each , which I thought was pretty good , although I 'm not sure that was a sale price . I should have asked because , if it was , I would have gotten two more . I also got four long sleeve shirts each for the boys at $ 7 each , which was wonderful . Two of them are really nice rugby shirts . I stopped by Baby Gap on my way out and they had almost the exact same rugby shirt for $ 20 each . I think I got great deals and my husband was very happy about it too . The birthday cake was really cute and very tasty . It was a teddy bear ' cake ' made of cupcakes . Some of them were white cake and some were chocolate and they were all covered with chocolate icing ( lots of it ) . It had a ribbon around it 's neck and was very cute . Unfortunately I could not find any napkins or plates with teddy bears but , oh well , Ben didn 't notice and he kept quacking at the ducks on the plates and napkins , which was cute . The birthday party was a lot of fun . It was very informal because we are pretty informal people . There were no invitations sent out and pretty much anyone who wanted to come came . My oldest brother came , which was a very nice surprise . I had not seen or talked to him in a while and didn 't know he was coming . It was so nice to see him . My niece , Aubrey , came and then my sister 's family was there , of course , since we had it at her house : ) . So it was a small , informal gathering and everyone had a fun time , watching Ben blow out his candle and open his gifts . He was so cute when we were singing happy birthday to him . He was sitting on the table , next to his cake , and everyone was gathered around the table , singing to him . He had the cutest , most precious little closed - mouth grin on his face , kind of shy like but happy that everyone was singing to him . It was really adorable . I taught him how to blow out a candle before we went to the party . It was the first time either of the boys had ever seen a candle lit . They were very into blowing them out . So he did very well at that and then he stuck his little finger in the icing of one of the cupcakes and put it into his mouth . It was too cute and perfect timing . Everyone laughed and took lots of pictures . He really liked the cupcakes and ice cream . I was eating it with him and helping him and he would give me the funniest looks when I would take a bite . Between the two of us , we ate two cupcakes and lots of ice cream and I really don 't think I ate that much ! The boys were both very into opening the presents . The first preset opened was a fire truck and Ben was very into playing with it and kept going back to it . He was mildly distracted by having to open other presents . Nick was very into opening each present . He was a big help to his brother and even opened one of them himself , I think . We changed our hair cutting approach . We had been cutting hair upstairs , sitting a child on the bathroom counter , and it wasn 't ideal , to say the least . Here is our new approach . The boys are watching a DVD : ) . Yes , we are breaking our no - TV rule for the sake of happy hair cuts . . . at least for now . We are going to have to invest in a couple of DVD 's which will be saved especially for hair cutting purposes , as they were watching the Potty Time DVD this time , over and over again . I want to save that DVD for when we are ready to potty train but it sure did the trick for this hair cutting event . And here is Nick , ready for his hair cut . His hair is still coming in and getting thicker every day , but it is still fairly thin so his hair cut does not take very long . He was really looking forward to getting in the chair with the cape though . It was funny . We may need to consider doing his hair first next time , since he is so into it . He thought it was great fun to kick up the cape , while daddy was trying to take his picture . I 'm not sure what he was looking at though . The following two pictures are from the high school football game we went to last weekend . My niece , Jana , was the senior attendant at the coronation . This first picture is Jana with Ben . That 's me ( with the curly hair and jean jacket ) and my brother - in - law ( with the red shirt with blue and white stripes and the baseball cap ) in the background . Here are the boys , sporting their new sneakers . They have worn sandals for so long , I don 't think they remember what it was like to wear real shoes and these are actually their first pair of sneakers . So they have been very excited about their new sneakers . They love running around in them on the hardwood floors and stomping and jumping in them . The other day when we were getting ready to go shopping , when Nick saw that I had gotten their sandals out , he asked to wear his sneakers instead . Ben is always the first to ask to take them off when we get back home . He is very hot natured . This is what they spend most of their time doing . It 's pretty funny to watch . They steer them all over the driveway and try to push them up onto the grass and even into those two big evergreens . We had some really nice , cool weather last weekend and on Monday . It was so refreshing . We are back into summer this week but I have a feeling it is not for long . I am so excited to see the fall ! I am still new to the seasons and I love switching from one to the next . It is even more special now , since I also get to see the seasons through the eyes of my precious sons . Today we had our first official play date . Another doctor and his wife and two sons just moved here from Texas and I had met them a few weeks ago . They are now settled in so we invited them over today for a play date . It was nice because this mom just moved here and doesn 't know very many people yet and , even though we moved here over a year and a half ago , I have not been very good about getting to know people here so it was nice that we could get together . I really enjoyed visiting with her and her 2 year old son ( D ) and my two sons played really well together . Her other son is only 3 months old and boy is he a cutey . I enjoyed holding him . Actually , Nick enjoyed playing with D a lot and wanted to do everything he did . Ben was kind of funny about it . He kind of stayed off by himself and played on his own . They were all in the sandbox for only a few minutes before Ben got out and started playing in the yard on his own . The entire time they were here , he mostly stayed away from the other two and played by himself . I 'm not sure what was up with that . He and Nick always play really well together . I found it very interesting and was kind of sad for him because I felt like he might be a little sad that Nick was playing with D . I could be wrong about that though . He would come over to the adults for attention every once in a while and I held him a few times and he seemed pretty happy and content and he was smiley , so I 'm not really sure what was going through his mind . He is a bit of an introvert so maybe that 's all it was . Maybe he does better one on one , rather than in a group of three . The boys all played outside , while we sat and watch them and visited . My good friend Francie came over to join us . The play date was actually her suggestion , although I was already thinking the same thing : ) . We sat on the patio , under the ceiling fan ( it was a bit warm out ) , and then eventually made our way back inside the house for lunch . The boys sat at the little kids table and they were pretty much finished eating before the adults began . When Nick saw me eating , he wanted into his booster seat at the big table and then he preceded to eat everything in sight , when he had previously said he was finished so he could run and play with D . I was glad to see him eating so much . He needs to put on a couple of pounds . We had a very nice first play date . It really could not have gone better , so that was great . The other great thing is that now my house is very clean , I have already eaten , the boys are napping and I have some free time to do whatever I want : ) . Yay ! We are going out to dinner with two other families from our church Bible study class tomorrow evening , which will be fun , and on Saturday evening we will have a small get together to celebrate Ben 's birthday with my family . In another week or so , we will be heading to Arizona for a week , which I am really looking forward to . I think it will be a really fun time for us all and I am looking forward to introducing the boys to my husband 's family and friends , most especially to his sister : ) . I received the latest homeschooling book I recently ordered . It is titled " 100 Top Picks For Homeschool Curriculum " and subtitled " Choosing the right curriculum and approach for your child 's learning style " . I read quite a bit of it on Amazon , as the Search Inside feature seemed to be broken and allowed me to read more than normal . I didn 't feel bad about continuing to read it though , since I had already ordered it : ) . It looks like it will be a pretty good book . . . hopefully it will anyway . If anyone has read this book , I would love to hear your thoughts about it . So , the latest thing the boys can do is reach and turn the upper lock on the door that leads to the garage . Although they have not figured this out yet , this also means they can reach and turn the upper lock on the front door . The door that goes outside from the kitchen and the one that goes to the side yard are both too hard to open ( they stick ) so we are safe there . But , I will be going to Wally World today to buy the big plastic door knob covers for all outside doors , just to be on the safe side . I really dislike those things but they are now necessary . I am teaching them not to play with the doors but I can 't trust them 100 % yet and it 's just to risky for now . The other thing that seems to be happening now is that the boys seem to be ready to move their nap time out a bit . Since they went from one nap to two , they have been having nap time from 11 : 00am to 1 : 00 or 2 : 00pm , depending on how tired they are . I had tried to move their nap time out once before but gave up when it became apparent that they were not ready for it . Lately , they have been spending too much time playing in their cribs ( they really have a great time ! ) before falling asleep . So today , they were playing so nicely that I just let them keep playing until they started showing signs of tiredness / crankiness . This happened around 11 : 45 so I put them down for their nap and they were out very quickly , with very little playing . I 'm going to have to start watching them more closely and following their lead for when they need their nap , instead of following my schedule so strictly . I am such a creature of habit kind of person . I like my daily routines and it takes me a while to get used to a new one . I found this morning to be very interesting . Ben had to stand in the corner several times during and just after breakfast for bad behavior . He can be very stubborn and it tends to take him a bit longer to figure out that certain behaviors will not be tolerated . Nick had to stand in the corner twice . Some of this was because I had become a bit lax on temper tantrums lately and decided we needed to take corrective action today . After this corner time , I sat and read to them for quite a while , which was very nice . They were very into this today . Ben is always into it but Nick is finally starting to let me read to him sometimes . He sat in my lap and wanted me to read four books in a row this morning , which is a shocker for him . He normally prefers to hold the book himself , turn the pages in whatever direction he wants and may turn several at a time , and look at the pictures while pointing to them and either saying what it is or wanting to know the word for it . The good thing is that , even though we haven 't read to him as much , his vocabulary is still really good because he likes to identify the pictures . The other thing that was so nice this morning was that they played so well together , after I had spent some time reading to them . They are really starting to play together so much more now . When they sit in their car seats , they are always handing things back and forth , holding hands and then pulling as hard as they can on each other , talking to each other in their own little language , pointing to pictures in a book and telling each other what they see , etc . They have so much fun and make each other laugh so much that it cracks me up . They used to be so quiet when they were in their car seats . I think those days are over . I would say that Nick and Ben both have about the same number of words in their vocabulary . When one of them learns a new word , it doesn 't take long for the other one to learn it too . They have at least one word that they use between them , when talking to each other , that I can 't figure out . They both clearly know what it is and what it means but I can 't quite figure it out , which is kind of funny . It is amazing to watch their communication skills explode like this . I know it is normal and this is a normal age for this sort of thing but , since they are my only children , it is the first time I am seeing it first hand and I am constantly amazed at how quickly they learn and how much they want to learn . I was explaining the word " animal " to them today and they both sat quietly and listened to my explanation and then they tried to say the word . It is so fun to watch them learn and to help them . By the time the morning was almost over and it was time for their nap , I was thinking " man , I sure have talked a lot this morning ! " . They are really into talking ALL THE TIME now and I really love it . One of the things I love about it is that I really get to start seeing more of their personalities emerge , as they talk more and they are just too cute ! They both have a great sense of humor . One funny thing that happened yesterday was that the boys wanted to go outside but it was time for their snack . So I suggested we take their snack outside and eat at the table on the patio and they really liked that idea . But then I realized that it was closer to dinner time and I really needed to fix something more substantial or they would be hungry at bedtime . So it took me longer to fix them something to eat than I had anticipated . So , thinking they would forget what I had said about eating outside , since they normally don 't remember things like that for very long and can be easily distracted , I started to put them at the kitchen table to eat . Nick got upset and ran to the door . He clearly had not forgotten , so that was a new one for me . I will have to watch what I say from now on because it won 't be as easy to distract them and change plans . Needless to say , mommy kept her word and they ate outside on the patio . They are spending more time on one activity and they are starting to pretend more , which is very cute . I would so like to get them a bunch of dress up clothes , like for a firefighter , a police officer , a cowboy and a doctor , for instance , but I was looking at what Toys - R - US had the other day and the outfits were about $ 20 each . I was shocked ! I may have to get creative on this one , although that may be a challenge since I don 't sew . If anyone has some ideas , please let me know . The boys like to gather up a few books , climb up into chairs at the table and sit and look at their books . It is very cute to watch . They talk ALL the time now and their vocabulary is huge , although they are still not using two words together , other than a few things like " big bear " or " nite nite " that they learned more as one word in the beginning . I did get Nick to say " night night Nick " into the mirror last night , so maybe we are close . Normally when I ask them to repeat something I say using two words , they only say the second word . One of their favorite words now is " another " . Ben especially uses this word all the time , pointing to a tree in a book , saying " tree " and then pointing to every other tree in the book and saying " another , another , etc . " . He does this over and over again about everything , including pointing to birds when we are sitting at a stop light . It still takes a mom to understand much of what they are saying , although their speech is getting clearer every day . The other thing that Ben especially seems to have figured out is the power of saying words in just the right way when requesting something to touch the heart of the person of whom it is requested . Yesterday we were all outside and enjoying the cool evening weather . We had eaten outside and the boys were playing in their sandbox and with their other outdoor toys , when Ben decided he wanted to go to the backyard and play on the swingset . My husband and I were sitting at the table on the patio , enjoying the peaceful evening while he was reading and I was writing a summary of all of the information I have been collecting for the lifebooks . So I told Ben to stay with us in the sideyard and play with his toys / sandbox there and that we were not going into the backyard right now , unless daddy wants to go with you . They can 't go by themselves yet because they are not quite steady enough on the slide and could easily fall and they really wanted to swing and cannot do that alone yet . Ben had been standing there , pointing towards the backyard and saying " peeeze " in the sweetest little pleading voice . So when I said " unless daddy wants to go with you " , he promptly said " daaaaady " in the same sweet little pleading voice and daddy couldn 't resist it . If he had said mommy in that same voice , I couldn 't have resisted it either : ) . But I enjoyed my quiet time while they were in the backyard . These last two pictures , you can see the posters I mentioned ( in a prior post ) that I had bought at the Christian book store . The boys enjoy looking at them , pointing to the various shapes , colors and the alphabet and trying to state what each of them are . I think Ben is probably a visual leaner because he seems to pick this stuff up pretty quickly . Nick may be more of a hands on learner but I 'm not quite sure yet . I have been procrastinating on finding a babysitter . I have used every excuse in the book to delay this but I know it is something we really need to do and I know it is something God wants us to do . My husband and I need to have a date night once in a while . We need to get out , just the two of us , and spend a little time together once in a while . We have only been married for a little over 2 . 5 years . We need some time to go to dinner and to a movie a couple of times a month or so . But then , I have a hard time leaving the boys . I am OK leaving them with my sister but it is hard to think of leaving them with someone we don 't know . So I have had a hard time with this . When we took the boys to their Sunday School class this morning , I was talking with one of their teachers and happened to mention this to her . . . that we really need to find a babysitter . I 'm not sure why that came up but it did and I am so happy it did . She is such a sweet lady and her daughter also helps out in their class and she is a very sweet person too . I have talked with them both in the past about homeschooling because they homeschool too . Anyway , the mom mentioned that her daughter babysits so we discussed it ( me , the mom and the daughter ) , they don 't live far from us and , WOW , we now have a babysitter ! And not just any babysitter . She seems very responsible and very sweet with children and we have been able to observe her with the kids at various times in the boy 's class , which is also nice . This is definitely a God thing ! He just knows how to work things out the best way possible . I really had not been comfortable with finding a babysitter . . . how do you KNOW that they will be good with your kids . I kept thinking , maybe after the boys can talk better , so we will know how it went and how they liked the babysitter . But this is perfect . It couldn 't get any better than this . I know I could leave the boys with this babysitter and would feel perfectly comfortable that they were being well cared for , that she was playing with them and they were having a fun time . And I love her mom too , which is great . So , if she was ever unsure of anything and didn 't want to bother us on our date , I know she could call her mom for advice and she would be receiving very good advice . And they go to our church ! And the boys already know her from their class ! ! How much better could this be ? ? The other great thing about our new babysitter is that she is homeschooled . So , she can babysit during school hours on certain days also , because she schools during whatever hours she wants to school . By the time most homeschoolers get into highschool , they are mostly self - teaching , except in the difficult subjects where they might need some special tutoring or labs or something . But she told us that she babysits during the days some too . Sorry I have not posted for a few days . We have just been out and about , doing life . We had a memorable event to attend on Friday evening . My niece , Jana ( the one who stayed with us for 10 days when I was recovering from pneumonia ) , was the senior attendant at her high school coronation . So the boys went to their first ever high school football game the other night . Actually , this was the first time they were in a large crowd , and a noisy large crowd at that ! It was also the first time they saw and heard a live band . And , from what I can remember , it was the first time they were out that far past their bed time ( yes , we need to get out more : ) . They were in total awe of everything , with big round eyes and mouths hanging open . But they did not seem at all scared , just very interested , and they seemed to have a good time . It was an hour and a half drive each way and we actually only stayed through the coronation and the very beginning of the game . By then , it was already 8 : 00pm and we still had the 1 . 5 hour return drive , plus my husband and I had not eaten dinner and were very hungry so we headed for a drive thru and then headed home . The boys fell asleep very quickly and slept the entire way home . When we got home , we brought them in , changed their diapers and put them to bed in the shirts they were wearing and they went right back to sleep . They are still such good little sleepers . I really think that having them both in the same room helps them to sleep better , most of the time . If one wakes up , they can look over and see the other one and I think it gives them a sense of security and helps them feel that everything is right with their little world and they can go back to sleep . This is my theory , although I also realize that God probably thought I could not handle sleep issues so He is giving me a big break . Nick has had some eating issues of late , although we are hoping he is getting better . On Friday , he started crying when he ate and complaining of pain in his mouth . He would start crying with a mouth full of food and quickly become choked , which really scared him ( and me ) , and that would make him cry more . After this happened twice , I told him not to cry or he would get choked and he understood and became much more careful about it after that . ( They are both understanding an amazing amount now days . ) He hardly ate anything all day Friday and Saturday and I was really worried about him . He is already a skinny little boy , at only 25 % on the weight chart , in comparison to his peers . My husband and I both looked in his mouth several times , trying to see what was hurting him but we could not see anything . We were prepared to take him to a dentist tomorrow but he seems to be much better today . He ate a lot for breakfast and lunch and he only complained once at lunch but kept eating ( after getting a bit upset and pushing everything away from him ) . We are still planning to get both boys into the dentist soon though . They have enough teeth that they should really go anyway . But I 'm relieved to see that he is eating again . We all went to church today , yay ! ! We are all healthy for a change , yay ! ! I am praying that the boys did not catch anything at church today . We actually stopped and washed their hands as we were leaving church today . This may help a little but I tend to think that they had probably already put their little fingers in their mouths some before we got to them . . . . but you never know . I went shopping for toys yesterday , since we have two birthdays coming up soon . Ben will be two at the end of this month and Nick will be two six weeks later . It was fun shopping but it is not easy to find the really good , educational toys . I bought several toys by Melissa & Doug . They make some really good educational wooden type toys that are really nice . I still need to buy a couple more toys for Nick 's birthday and , when I do , I am going to go ahead and buy their Christmas toys at the same time so I won 't have to deal with the Christmas crowds as much . I also went to a very large used bookstore yesterday , looking for books on learning styles and homeschooling . The used bookstore didn 't have anything I was looking for but I did buy 4 or 5 books for the boys at really good prices . They have a lot of $ 1 and $ 2 kids books , which is great . . . . and I 'm loving it ! I 'm not doing much of anything today , except playing with the boys , reading and now updating this blog . It makes for a very relaxing day . It was pouring down rain earlier today and the boys wanted to go outside . So they had their first day of really playing in the rain . They had the best time . Nick was laughing and running around and even climbed into the little pool , although he didn 't sit down and I was kind of happy about that . I emptied out the pool last weekend and it is probably at least 1 / 3rd full already , just after rain from the past couple of days and today . Our rain gauge was even full today . Ben pushed the play lawnmower around and really didn 't seem to notice the rain at all . They were both very funny to watch and my husband taped them , which is great because we have not been very good about getting the boys on DVD . I am currently reading several good books : The Well - Trained Mind and Things We Wish We 'd Known " are both about homeschooling . War of the Worldviews is about the culture war between two worldviews , the Biblical worldview of history VS the secular view , which promotes evolution . I am also reading The Fruit of the Spirit , which I desperately need , along with a lot more prayer time , on which I am working . I am very into reading and learning about homeschooling these days . The boys are not quite two yet but I still find myself drawn to learn more about it . The more I read about it , the more excited I become about being able to do this with my sons . I feel so fortunate that there is so much information out there and so many blogs by moms who are doing this every day already . So much to learn and so little time . . . . . actually , I have plenty of time to learn it before the boys are school age but I tend to want to learn everything and read everything NOW . I would like to find a good book about determining learning styles of children and also one about the various education styles . There is so much information available on homeschooling these days , it can be a bit overwhelming at first . Hopefully , since I am investigating it early , I will be ready when the time comes . Yesterday , I made a trip to our local Christian bookstore , which is an awesome bookstore , and I bought three posters . One is very colorful and has shapes , another has the alphabet and the other one has the colors that are in the small pack of crayons . I hung the first two in our kitchen , where we spend a lot of time , and the third one is in the library . The boys really like looking at them . It 's great because , while I am cleaning up the kitchen or preparing a meal and the boys are playing nearby , I can ask them " where is the letter B " ' or " point to the circle " . They love doing this so I think it will be a good way for them to learn these things . I also found a great book on active devotions for children birth to three . They mix small Bible verses and prayers with a cute little activity that will have a rhyme or song to go with it , along with a little game , such as paddy cake or something like that . I thought it might be a good way to start setting aside some family time for devotions . We can start out with a very short amount of time and then build on it as the boys get older but at least we would be setting aside some time for this starting when they are young . We already do some reading from a bedtime book or their toddler Bible story book and we say a prayer but they are normally very tired by that time so it is short and sweet and it is not really a devotions time but more of a bedtime routine . The boys were so excited to see " MaMa " and " Kat - y " ( her name is Kathy but they can 't pronounce the " th " sound yet . They pronounce the " a " as you would when saying " Kathy " though so it does not sound like Katy ) that they did not sleep at all on the way there . This was a first . . . and NOT a good first . I was so bummed that they were not sleeping . But they were so cute . They would hold hands across the back seat and then pull as hard as they could on each other 's hands while making these grunting sounds . Yep , all boy ! They were making all kinds of noises with their mouths and noting every large truck and bus that we passed . An aside of a funny story . I have recently noticed that when Nick sees a bus , in a picture , while playing with the toy bus we have or in real life , it sounds like he calls it " beep beep " . For several days , when he would say this , I would say , " yes , that is a bus " , " can you say bus ? " and he would try to say it and it did not sound like " beep beep " . It took me a while to figure this out but I finally figured out why he calls buses beep beep . The boys have a really cute book that is called " My Car " . It starts out " My name is Sam " , " This is my car " . It goes on to tell how he loves his car and takes good care of his car , changing the oil , etc . and how he drives it everywhere . Toward the end , it says he drives his car to work " and , when I work " ( turn the page ) , " I drive my bus " ( shows a picture of the guy in a bus ) . Then you turn to the last page and it says " beep beep " and shows a picture of houses and a street with lots of cars , trucks and this guy 's bus . It is a funny , cute book and the boys love it . So , I think I finally figured out why Nick calls all buses " beep beep " . Anyway , back to our story . They didn 't sleep at all during our drive but they still did very well during our visit . They had a fun time , playing with everyone and it was so nice to see my mom and sister again . Mom is doing very well right now and , other than her lack of hair ( she wears scarves and a wig ) and a little bit of shaking in her hands , you would never know she was taking chemo . She will have her next ( third of four ) treatment on Tuesday so the week or week and a half after that will be rough again . Overall , she is really doing well with this now , I think . When we left , it didn 't take long at all for the boys to fall asleep . The funny thing was that B fell asleep before N , which was a first . I have never seen this happen before . I happened to look back there and saw B asleep and N , leaning forward in his seat , staring at B as if he was trying to figure out what he was doing . It was really funny . N had never seen B fall asleep first so he was trying to figure out what B was doing . I think N was asleep within about 3 minutes after that and they both slept most of the way home . Even then , they only had about a one hour nap all day , which is not enough for them so they went to bed early last night . We are suppose to have a rainy weekend here , which is fine with me . After such a hot summer , the rain is nice . The boys and I got rained on twice the other day , while out running errands . They thought it was great fun . We were at the Border 's bookstore and an older gentleman gave us a gift card for $ 16 . 80 , which was so nice . He requested that we check out a web site so I still have to do that . I only had to pay fifty cents for a book and some alphabet flash cards : ) . Yay ! We are all in the process of getting over our colds and even squeezed some fun into our three day weekend . The boys still have very runny noses and have mixed feelings about having them wiped frequently VS letting it run down onto their lips and then eating it : ) . I prefer the former : ) . Monday we spent most of our day outside , enjoying the beautiful day . It was really nice and the boys always love playing outside . I don 't think Nick would ever be ready to come inside , if it was left up to him . Yesterday , I received a book I had ordered from Amazon called " The Well - Trained Mind " . I started reading it last night and am finding it very very interesting . The author recommends the book " Slow and Steady , Get Me Ready " , which I ordered at the same time ( thanks again for that recommendation Tonya ! ) . I haven 't received that one yet but I am really looking forward to it now . My husband and I have always thought we would like to home school our children so I am excited about learning about the different education styles and also learning about what I should be doing now to prepare us . The Well - Trained Mind explains how to go about teaching your children to read at an earlier - than - normal age ( before they would normally start school ) , which I am very interested in also . Onto another subject . Yesterday morning , the boys were playing in the bean box and I was in the laundry room , when I heard Ben start crying , as if he was hurt . He was rubbing his head and crying and I could not figure out what happened exactly , since he was just playing in the bean box with Nick ( there 's a clue ) . I sat down and rocked him , while watching Nick continue to play in the bean box , as if nothing was wrong ( there 's another clue ; he is usually very compassionate and concerned if Ben is crying ) . I have to add a little history here . Monday , we were getting ready to run an errand , when Nick was running in the living room . He fell and hit his eyebrow on the edge of the molding along the floor . I was around the corner and did not see what happened but he came to me crying and already had a bluish area appearing on his eyebrow ( it looks better today but his eyelid is a bit swollen and on it 's way to turning black and blue ) . I held him and calmed him down and , when he was feeling a little better , I asked him to show me what he hit his eyebrow on . He immediately showed me so I understood what had happened and also realized he is sure understanding a lot these days . Back to Ben 's injury yesterday . So , Ben is upset , rubbing his head and Nick seems unconcerned , which is really unlike him . I asked Nick what Ben hit his head on and he patted one of the metal bowels in the bean box ( don 't you just love the honesty of children of this age ? ) . Putting two and two together , I believe that brother Nick hit brother Ben on the head with the metal bowel , probably because he was not getting his way with something . However , I didn 't see it so I was not positive . I did ask Nick if he hit Ben on the head and he didn 't respond but I gave him a toddler - style lecture on how that is not nice and it hurts . Move forward an hour or so . I was cleaning up after snack time in the kitchen while the boys were playing in the living room . Ben was happily minding his own business , standing in front of a chair , where he had placed a book through which he is looking . I heard Ben start crying again , loudly as if he is again hurt , and I glanced up just in time to see Nick whack Ben once more on the head before running away with a little wooden hammer in his hand . This little hammer has a square block of wood for the hammer part so I am sure that being hit in the head with it didn 't feel very good . At least this time I caught the child in the act and was able to take action so that said child now knows without question that this behavior is not acceptable . I also gave him a more serious toddler - style lecture about how he hurt his brother and this is not nice , while he was sitting on a little stool in time - out . I find it so surprising that a child who normally displays so much compassion would do this type of thing . It just seems so odd . If Ben is crying while having his diaper changed , Nick will quickly hand him several different toys or books . If Ben is crying while standing in the corner , Nick will point towards him and make sounds , indicating he is very concerned . Nick does not normally like to hear Ben cry . Hopefully this is a behavior that will pass quickly . . . . we are all sick and we caught it from Nick who caught it from church . We had not been in 4 weeks . We missed three weeks because of my hospital stay and recovery from pneumonia . We missed the fourth week because we wanted to visit my mom , who is taking chemo and can 't be around anyone sick , and my grandmother , who is 96 , was in the hospital with a broken pelvis and didn 't need to be around anyone sick either . We finally made it back to church last Sunday and now we are all sick again . Back to the subject at hand : The boys both have very runny noses and Nick is coughing some , especially at night . Ben is a day or two behind him so his nose just started running yesterday . My husband is feeling like he is fighting it . I started having achey - ness and fever yesterday evening , took something for it and then woke up at 4 : 30am , freezing from chilling and very achey again . I still feel pretty badly and my body hurts so I have been resting this morning and my husband is entertaining the boys . This is bringing back terrible and way - to - recent memories of my horrible experience with the pneumonia . I can 't believe I am sick AGAIN . I had really just starting feeling normal again this past week , with my energy level back again . Hopefully this won 't last long . My mom is now feeling better and should remain this way until after her next chemo treatment . She and my sister may come to visit us on Thursday , if we are over our sickness . Hopefully we will all be well by then , as it seems like it has been way too long since we have seen them . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
We never did find anyone at the base , but we did find a small reservoir of fuel so we could fuel up the Jeep . We spent the night on base and called in the next morning . We told Natalie about the locked up clinic we found in the center of the base . " When we broke through the doors , it looked like there 'd been some kind of fight . The room is scorched and there are bodies in cages . It 's the only human signs we 've found . I think there was a breakout of PTA here , Natalie , " I told her . " That 's impossible , Dahlia . The virus is so strained now , you know as well as I do that the government has every resource to kill the virus even if an infected does overpower someone . How many bodies were there ? " " We 'll never be able to figure out what happened without pulling record , and we can 't do that without access to someone who worked there . What about the antibiotics ? Did you find any medicine ? " " There were a few vials left in a freezer . Enough to get everyone through til the next truck . And there was some insulin , too . I don 't know if there 's enough for everyone , but we can be careful and ration it . I 've got everything on ice in the Jeep , we 're ready to move . " " Try to hurry , Dahlia . We 're treating everyone as best we can , but you know this is risky . Nobody 's allowed in the research building til you guys get back with the medicine . We don 't want to risk anything with weakened immune systems . I estimate at least half the subjects will be past the turning point by the time we can get back in there , so every minute counts . " After waking up in the middle of the night , John had drilled me about the dream . Mostly all he got out of me was that my mother was sick and my brother died of PTA . I didn 't let on to my mother 's secrets . I didn 't give him any dates or names . I still felt a bit invaded by all the questions , and the ride home I was still feeling on edge . But he wouldn 't let up , every ten or fifteen minutes he would come up with a new question . " Sorry ! Sorry , I guess I misunderstood . I didn 't mean to offend you , or say anything about your family , I 'm sorry . " I 'm in the church my mother once took us to on Sundays when I was a child . I 'm in a small children 's room and we are about to join our parents in the sanctuary for the sermon . We are walking across the familiar carpeted room where we play tag and dodgeball before classes , and we line up single file at the door on the far end . There are ten of us counting my brother and myself . The teacher , a friendly fat old lady with short red curls on her head and pale whitish blue eyes that , even of they were not squinted in an eternal smile , she probably couldn 't see out of anyway , puts one knobby finger with a pink manicured nail up to her lips and we all know we are supposed to follow suit . Finally we file into the sanctuary . The room is small , with about thirty pew benches in total . There are probably half as many families in the building , some familiar and some new . Then I see my mother standing in the middle of the aisle way and realize what 's going on . This is a memory , and I know exactly what 's about to happen . The church we are standing in is a very moderate group . Most of the people are middle class , day to day people with moderate , day to day beliefs , and the speakers at this church generally reflect that . In short , they are not prepared for my mother . " There are devils in this church ! " is what I remember hearing her shriek . I remember fear , her terror and my own , as a grasp my brother 's hand tightly . I remember being confused and embarrassed , because , even though I was young enough to believe my mother really saw these things , I was old enough to know that it was a secret , and strangers shamed her for it . What I don 't remember , however , is what happened next . Those familiar faces , which I remember showing faces of fear and anger , are instead melting away , corroding , lengthening into the jaundice profiles of my subjects at the lab . There is moaning and screeching and my mother 's incessant declaration , and it all jumbles together in my view and ears and I can 't understand what 's going on til I see my brother looking Alex Camidge Every couple hundred years , the earth gets a little full . People just keep multiplying and multiplying , and soon there 's not really enough space to fit them all . Usually when this happens , the human race becomes such a big target that there 's something that happens to thin us out immensely . There was PTA here recently . There was a plague a few hundred years ago . There have been many different happenings that have brought us to our knees , all the way back to a traumatizing flood around ten thousand years ago . It 's amazing to be part of the few who have seen both sides of one of these happenings . I was old enough to remember what the world looked like full . No empty towns , cities , counties . . . So it 's still weird when I walk into a place that looks habitable , but there are no people to inhabit them . That 's why , when we got to F4 , needless to say I was creeped out . The place looks like a military town . Gates and fences all around , checkpoints to get in at any entry , you 've seen the places . But there was no one anywhere . There weren 't even any dead cars like there are in most abandoned towns . It was like there was some mass evacuation . John and I drove into the compound and found the phone . There 's one on every safe base , and they work the way they did in the old days , with an operator and everything . We patched through to home , and told them what was going on . " What 's the issue ? You have permission to offer them whatever they need to get the food and fuel to last us til the next truck . You 'll be back tomorrow night , right ? Don 't forget we need medicine , our coolers shut down so all the penicillin and insulin is unusable . " " No , Natalie , " I said , " there 's no one , literally not a single person here . In the whole place , nobody living or otherwise anywhere . It 's a ghost town . " " Of course I care , John , " Natalie answered , " But right now we don 't have the time to worry about that . I 've got to secure our people before I can worry about them . We can 't even order the medicines that our people need til the next truck gets here , then it 's at least another week til it actually arrives . Dahlia , Belle is one of the people who needs medication , you know how important this is . " " John ! She 's right , " I stopped him before the argument could get any more heated , " You 've both got valid points , and we 'll investigate as soon as possible , but we have to save the people we know we can save first , and worry about the others as soon as possible . If we worry about everything at once , we 'll get nothing done . " Even after a disaster is over with , it can take a while to get your mind back on gear . It can take even longer to get everyone in a community back to their usual routines . Yes , we were all anxious to get back to work , but at the same time , there were plenty of other things on our minds . Belle was pretty sick , her new little friend was having dizzy spells . Some of the elderly people were having trouble as well . There was a food shortage , as , after the arsonists set fire to the fuel , they raided our food supplies . In the end , we took to a vote and decided that we send two people out to follow the gas truck to the next stop and get some food . Everyone else was either sick or too interested in getting back to work , so John and I ended up going . Belle was still fighting her ear infection , so I left her with the Wendz 's so that Mrs . Wendz could take care of her and so she and Eve could play when they got better . It was two days since John and I had kissed . Two days since we 'd even talked . We volunteered simultaneously , neither of us knew that the other was going to go . It 's not that I was avoiding him , it 's just that I was busy . And I didn 't want to be distracted . This is the first time I 've ever had a ' crush ' and I have so much else to focus on . There 's no time for that stuff . But there was no backing out at that point , people needed medicine and food . So John got in the passenger seat of a state Jeep and I got in the driver 's seat and we took off . It 's a two day drive west to the next sanctuary , which is simply named " F4 " . F4 is the army base where all basic training is done now . It 's also the home of one of the largest food creation plant in America . They grow and preserve all sorts of food : fruits , grains , veggies , even chickens and cows . The first hour we listened to the radio , but you can 't really listen to the same broadcast of " these coordinates for safety " and " these tips for avoiding infection " for more than an hour . The second hour , I drove in silence and John read some of his notes and scribbled some math on a diagram . For the third hour , we switched drivers and I watched the road pass by . And by the fourth hour , we were ready to talk , even if it wasn 't about anything we were really thinking about . We talked about work , about Belle , about the different places we 've been , the different places we wanted to see . We didn 't talk about anything heavy , no talk about PTA , about actually having kids , about the people we 'd lost . . . We just talked about the funny things , and about the things that made us happy , and about our dreams and hopes . We talked for hours , but eventually we got to the point we were too tired to drive anymore , so we stopped on the highway by a tall median so that we could take turns sleeping . I went first , the back seats in the jeep had been taken out so there was enough room to lay down , though I had to curl up . John sat watch for four hours while I slept , then we traded off and I watched for four hours . I have to admit though , I wasn 't watching the road for all four hours . When he woke up I slept for a bit in the passenger seat while he drove . When I woke up , we stopped and ate some of the food we had brought . Bagels with honey . Finally , he started talking about real things . I couldn 't think of anything else to talk about to avoid the subject . How do you answer that ? And why would he even tell me ? I didn 't know how to respond , so I just looked at him and prayed he would say he was joking so I could just be mad at him for making such a cruel joke . " I 'm sorry , I 'm sure you 're a bit confused . I 'd like to try and have a relationship with you . . And I don 't want you to agree to it without knowing full well what 's entailed . I 'm over it , she wasn 't very good to me in the first place , but I just want to be open . " " Well , that 's . . . a lot to process . I mean , thank you for being honest with me . And I 'm sorry that it happened like that . But , what if I don 't want to get into something serious right now ? " " Done this before ? That 's ok . Just be yourself and if it works then we got it right , if not then we do something else and we can be friends and not have that question in the back of my mind every time I see you smile whether or not we could have made it work . What do you say ? " Last week , an arsonist set fire to the base 's generators and backup gasoline cache . Because of our lock - down system , we were all trapped inside the living quarters . Every night at dark , the doors lock with a mechanical system and every ranking adult has a code to open them . However , the power went out in the middle of the night , so we were all trapped inside til help came . So , the result was a week of no light , little food , rationed water , no moving air in the middle of the hottest summer we 've had in years . Thankfully the plumbing still worked , though there was no hot water , so a week of cold showers and 105 degrees plus body heat and humidity . It 's no surprise both Belle and I wound up with upper respiratory infections and she got an ear infection by the end of it all . If there was an upside to the tragedy , it was that , with a week off from work and nothing to do but talk , we all got to know one another much more intimately . It 's amazing the kind of progress intelligent minds can make when you take away the computers and test tubes . I learned a lot about what the world was like before the outbreak from Jenna Hart , a senior biologist who has worked on the floor above mine for almost eight years now , and who I had only ever met twice . She 's fifty eight , and she had five brothers and sisters , eight nieces and nephews , and an adopted daughter before the outbreak . " Now , " she told me Wednesday night about three in the morning , " I have no one . I am alone . The only reason I go on is because I know there are others out there who still have someone to live for and they are depending on me . " It 's good , sometimes , to know that you are among like people . Maybe not to have that pity party you really want to have , but instead to see how strong they are when you 're not feeling so strong . Inspiration . I learned from Julian Grant about strings . I had learned a little about them in my research to get my degree , but I never understood them so well as he does . His current research is an old project that 's been picked back up in the last six months because of a proposition he made to the state that if we could see strings , the most basic basics of the building blocks of reality , we could possibly see the foundation of what makes PTA so different from any other disease . He shared with me on Thursday that this was total bullshit , but because string theory research was on the bottom of the list of priority research , nobody that actually read his report knew that he was making it all up . The real reason he even wrote that proposal was so that he could carry on his father 's work after he passed away two years ago . " I 'm afraid you 'll rat me out , " He whispered to me , " But I just can 't handle the secrets anymore . I have to know that someone knows . And if this is the end of my time here , so be it . " I 'm not going to tell our supers . Everyone had a lot to say , and it feels like we are all more like a family than coworkers . Even secluded little Belle managed to make friends with the Wendz 's daughter , Eve . Mr . Wendz , according to Eve , is the person who makes sure that everyone on base gets enough food , and Mrs . Wendz is a doctor . Lucky we had Mr . Wendz , because he was able to make the canned food in our storage , which is only supposed to last everyone on base a maximum of four days , last for all seven . Maybe nobody was full , but certainly no one was hungry . Every night after most people were gone back to their rooms to sleep , John and I sat in his sitting area and talked for hours . He taught me about xenobiology , and I taught him about human brain function . We compared notes on PTA ; it was amazing to see something I 'd seen millions of times through someone else 's eyes . I feel like I have a much stronger understanding and even a connection with the animal . John has me convinced now that it 's not just a parasitic bug , but a living , thinking animal . He believes it 's just as intelligent as humans . His theory is that the violent outbursts of the first few weeks of infection is the adolescence . We usually exterminate infecteds by the fourth week , because they become so strong and PTA has such accurate control of their bodies that we can 't afford to keep them contained . John believes that if we were to either expose the virus to a vacuum or to extreme conditions of all sorts , we could find out a rough idea of the origins . We could try to trace their home planet down . Or at least find them a new home where they don 't have to kill us . John Smith is a genius . He may not have specific knowledge about human anatomy or biology , but what he lacks in learned intelligence , he makes up for in being utterly brilliant and creative . The last night we were in the dark , I told him so . " Well , Dahlia , if that is your real name , " we laughed , " I must admit that I 've got a ' thing ' for brilliant people . I love to surround myself with intelligent , clever friends . And , while this building is full of intelligent people , I still seem to be having trouble finding a true friend . It seems that the lines of personal relations have been drawn for a long time , and while there is a little shift permitted between long - term acquaintances , I don 't seem to qualify just yet . Why is that ? " " Dr . Smith , you 've just come in to this community fairly recently . Most of the people here are only here because they 've got nothing left at home . Why do you think there are only four or five children below working age here ? Because nobody 's got their teenage sweethearts still alive . The people here are brilliant because they 've got no reason to hold themselves back . Nothing is left to live for , so instead of simply dying , they stop feeling and start thinking . They won 't be comfortable with you for a very , very long time . Not til you 've stopped feeling , or at least act like you have . " " I still feel . I feel deeply . Deeper than what I can tell is normal , at least from what I 've read and seen . I think that 's why the people here at least respect me if not accept me . I went straight for the polar opposite as far as reactions to tragedy . While they have a basic need to know things because there 's nothing left to hope for , I hope for everything and the only way to tie it all together is to learn and seek the truth . I just can 't let it go , you know ? " Last week , a new researcher started working in the lab next to mine . He is from Miami , and relocated here because of some personal issue with some staff back there . They won 't tell us what . I 've gotten a few chances to talk to him since he started , and the man is a genius . His name is Professor John Smith , and he studies what he calls Xenobiology . Upon my own research I 've found that he practically founded the field . Until a few years ago , it was all about how extra terrestrial biology would work if it existed , all kinds of theory and hypothesis , untested ideas and speculation . Then , suddenly , Smith enters the game and the field takes a corkscrew towards real science , with testing and discoveries about actual materials and life forms , collected from meteors and returned space shuttles . It was all stuff that was already here , right under our noses , and nobody had the right idea of how to look for it until him . All the life forms are single cell organisms , of course . He has yet to find a space squirrel , let alone a sentient creature capable of communication and society , but it 's still amazing what he has got in the short time since he came onto the scene . Here 's what I 've gotten out of him so far : about 6 years before the first reported infection , which as we know happened in Germany , there was a meteor that we lost track of . NASA has been watching all the rocks in space that are close enough to hit us for years . This one just dropped right out of the sky . It broke its orbit , apparently , and landed in the German countryside , in the middle of the night . The field in which it fell was so large that the boom could only have barely shaken the windows of the nearest house , which was that of the German farmer who worked the land . That day , he found it and reported it and we had a big piece of space junk for the astrophysicists of the world to enjoy . In the six years between his finding the rock and the outbreak of PTA , he and his family sell the farm and move to Berlin . The next buyer of the land works the land as farmers usually do , and six years later one of his farmhands , who was on leave for a vacation to see his family in a small town called Luebeck , falls ill . Because Luebeck is quite a good distance from where the rock was found , and because the name of the first reported infected man had almost nothing to do with it , nobody put two and two together to think maybe they were connected , until Professor Smith . The farm was not large enough that the food it created was spread throughout the country , let alone the world , but it was big enough to be Traveling cross - continent is dangerous and difficult to do now , even for leaders of countries let alone plain old researchers . For that reason , Smith has had to study from a distance , making phone calls and reading newspapers , trying to gather enough evidence and money to get him across the water , and he 's making good time . I look forward to working with him , and now that I 've got a new lead on the possible origins of PTA I can try to test some new possible treatments or cures for it . Starting with the fact that , according to Smith , it 's very likely that this disease may not be a sentient being , but it 's possible it was designed by one for any number of different reasons . The purpose of the disease could be the key to curing it . Is it a form of terraforming ? If they 're trying to make the world habitable by gases , then maybe the right type of gases that may not be deadly to the virus can stop its ill effects . Are they trying to breed more of themselves ? Some form of spermicide may do the trick . Who knows ? I 'm going to be busy for a while til I explore every possibility . When you think about a " world changing catastrophe " , when you read a book about the apocalypse , when you hear a story about the probable destruction of life as we know it , you don 't think about the changes that may happen to the little things in life . Beyond survival , humanity has a billion little things that gives a life variety and texture . Things like music , television , books , entertainment . What happens to them after the world ends and humans are still crawling around trying to restore it ? Some things aren 't important to survival , so they just dissolve . Things like fashion , video games , or children 's shows . After things stabilized , we started developing them again , but after 15 years a lot was lost . Some things are not important to survival , but they are vital to our emotional well being so we hold on to them in some way or another . Things like music , art , or storytelling . While we run for our lives , while we fight back , we pass those things on , the songs from our childhoods , the things that give us comfort . We create more , to vent and to share and help each other , we tell stories to help save each other from making the same mistakes , and to give each other hope . And then there are the essentials , like math , medicine , agriculture , and architecture . The other day , Belle was out looking for treasure and she came across an old radio with a compact disc player in it . There was still a disc in the player somehow , and the radio plugged into the wall with the same plugs as our news radio . When I asked Leroy at work about it , he said the music was probably from around the 1990 's . Leroy 's one of the security guards , he 's about 50 now . Anyway , the disc is red and says " californication " on it . It 's weird to listen to the songs , there 's a lot of drums and guitar , and the lyrics are mostly pretty fast . A lot of our music now is a ' Capella , sometimes you 'll find someone who still has a guitar or other true instrument , but most of our music is voice over drums , beat out on whatever is around . The music on the disc is different in sound , but the words are pretty common . A lot of disappointment in the way life goes , a lot of hope about the beauty of life , and as always sex and government . She 's listened to it with me a few times , I don 't think she really gets it , because the lyrics don 't make sense a lot of times , but some of those nonsensical phrases are similar to some that my mother said when I was growing up . I think maybe she listened to this music when she was younger . I listen to that disc almost every day , and think about my family and wonder who and what I 'd be if things were different . I vaguely remember , and I 've read about a bit , the " war on drugs " before the outbreak . What I remember is that it was very controversial . It shouldn 't have concerned me , since I was so young , but it just so happened that my mother had some serious mental health issues , and was therefore often heavily medicated , and a good portion of that medication was self - prescribed . When she got in the spirit to right her condition , the doctor usually prescribed her lithium . I remember how she would start being sick in the mornings for the first few days , then the drain in the shower would soon fill with the hair she was loosing . She was still beautiful , even with thinned out hair and the 10 or 20 pounds she would loose every time , but she didn 't feel beautiful , so the treatments never lasted long . And so , whenever she got sick of being sick , and sick of being depressed , and sick of her imaginary friends all at the same time , she would call up her old friends who seemed to always be available . She used to say that even though mom wasn 't her most regular customer , she was definitely her favorite . Mom would give her a big wad of cash , and she would hand her a little box . Once , I got curious as to what was in this secret box , and when mom was out one day I snuck in her room and opened it . It was full of this white powder , I thought it looked like sugar . I smelled it and it was smelled wrong , so I left it alone and didn 't bring it up with mom . When I got to learning about human biology and medicine , I learned that it was probably cocaine . Nowadays , there is no war on drugs . They 're not legal , it 's just that there is no extra military or police presence to warrant it . It 's just become excessively hard to find them . Since everyone is basically living on government property , there are apartment checks to make sure everything is working properly , like stoves heaters and air locks . It 's pretty difficult to grow suspicious plants or cook suspicious chemicals when a soldier could be knocking on your door at any given moment . However , there is still the occasional user and a few pushers left , they 're just increasingly hard to come by . It 's almost like people were using so much before simply because it was illegal , taboo , naughty . I personally don 't believe mind altering drugs should be legal . However , seeing what my mother went through , and seeing what the undead go through to get to what they are , I see the necessity for them . There are things in this world that human bodies and human brains are not capable of surviving . We can 't live through some types of pains and illnesses and conditions without help . Drugs may not give you super powers , but they sure do seem to make your lack of super powers a little bit easier to cope with . At the beginning of the outbreak , families of the undead could get prescriptions for controlled drugs , usually anti - depressants , sometimes something stronger . We stopped doing that a couple years in , though , because people were getting hooked . I think they were getting hooked for good reason . Who wants to remember every day that their oldest daughter suffered insufferable pain , then died , then wanted to kill you ? Who wants to remember every day that their mother , who said she 'd protect them from everything bad , turned into , for all intents and arguments , a fucking zombie ? Nobody . It 's one of those pains that a human body cannot survive alone . However , we should never have given those drugs to the public in the first place . That pain can be overcome in time , it can be survived , if you wait it out long enough for it to fade on its own , but if you neglect dealing with it for years , and suddenly you try to take it on by yourself , it will hit you with a force ten times what it would be initially . My aunt didn 't believe the drugs would make things easier on me or her , so as my guardian , she declined them . I 'm glad she did . I never would have made it to be the person I am today if I had avoided that chest - pounding sorrow . I do wish , however , that we had a drug to relieve the pain of the undead as they die . The parasite , as you know , eats away at everything , the brain in particular . Fortunately for the parasite , and unfortunately for doctors , they burrow down to the center of the brain , and become so entangled in the nerves and tissue there , that you can 't remove the parasite without killing the infected . This also means that there is no way to ease the pain they 're going through . During the hours that they 're dying , they feel pain everywhere : their arms , legs , back , everything hurts excruciatingly . However , no tested drugs can ease that pain because it 's an action , not a reaction . Usually , pain in your body is your brain 's way of telling you something is wrong , something is injuring you . The parasites bite down on the receivers and transmitters in your brain , and basically just confuse you so much it hurts . Your brain tricks your nerves into thinking there 's something stimulating them , even though there 's not a thing there except your brain and the bugs that are quickly making themselves at home and re - writing your neuro - pathways . It 's terrible , and no chemical can relieve the resulting pain . No chemical kills the bugs , it just kills the human , so it 's pointless to try that route , and anything that would usually slow brain function enough to relieve pain is cancelled out by those parasites , who work so quickly the brain is forced to keep up , regardless of the drugs pumped into it . In short , we are no closer to relieving the pain of the infect than we are to curing them . The best we can do is try to keep everyone in this seemingly eternal quarantine til the bugs run out of food , which is unlikely to happen until the end of the human race . We haven 't managed to go without an infection , world - wide , more than 24 hours , and 24 hours isn 't even close to how long the eggs stay viable before hatching . The population is slowly dropping , by about 300 people a year world - wide . If we don 't stop this thing by the time Belle 's generation is dead , it 's unlikely humanity will survive . For years now , I 've had trouble sleeping . Every night , I climb into bed at ten , and every night I 'm tossing and turning til about three . I 've tried listening to music , leaving the lights on , total darkness , and different temperatures . Nothing helps me get my mind to slow down when I 'm tired and ready for sleep . When I told the physician about it last year at the yearly bio - metric screening for work , he gave me some pills . They made me practically catatonic for eight hours , but they didn 't get my brain shut off any better than usual . I suppose most people my age and older probably don 't sleep well . The younger people who don 't remember the outbreak , I can 't say , I mean Belle seems to pass out as soon as her head hits the pillow . I think the reason that I ( and many people I 've talked to my age ) have so much trouble going down at night is the fact that we grew up in a world where what is normal now was unthinkably horrific . Now , when we see an infected body sit up after it dies , of course there 's fear , there 's adrenaline , there 's sorrow . But there 's no shock anymore . This is what happens now . All the time . Every day . Some scientists have been reporting cases of bodies reactivating after a healthy death . Is this the new stage of PTA ? Are we all infected , carrying this parasite , trait genes in almost all of us , so that when we die we will come back ? The thought , to me , is exhausting . To try to fight something so huge seems impossible . Belle was the one who heard about these reports first . She told me over supper a few weeks back , like she was talking about the weather . It 's like she assumes that everyone will get sick with this parasite when they die . Like , for people her age , this is life , and death is equivalent to PTA . Maybe it would be easier to look at it that way , instead of looking at it as this huge travesty to mankind . I just can 't seem to wrap my head around understanding it from her point of view . I guess it 's like that rhyme my mother used to sing when she was feeling well , ' because you can 't hate the night if you 've lived your whole life without life and you can 't hate the dish if you 've only ever eaten fish and you can 't feel alone if it 's all you 've ever known . The deep sea anglerfish has no reason to be happy but it has no idea what else to be . ' Maybe she doesn 't know it 's scary because it 's all she knows . I think at night , when I 'm unable to sleep , and unfortunately I don 't think about things that would help my work . I think , rather , about non - scientific , non - helpful ideas , about fear and hope and dreams and silly things . I think about the life that I could have had , but missed out on , because of PTA . I could have gone to high school with other people . Could have gone to college , had some kind of normal career . I could have met a guy . Or a girl . I 've avoided the idea of partnership so long and with such passion , I don 't even know what I would be interested in . It 's not like it would be easy to meet someone when I decided I wanted to date anyway . It 's not like you can just go out barhopping these days , and even if you could , it 's difficult to look sexy in an upgraded scuba suit . I can 't date someone from work , I could loose my job for fraternizing . I guess it 'll happen when it happens . Part of me feels like I 'm ready to start looking , but part of me wants to get some answers at work first . Belle is enough company when I feel alone , but I also feel like there 's a side of being human that I 've neglected . I 'm not sure . I need to find some way to sleep better and get my mind off these unimportant thoughts . Harper just called my home phone to tell me that I have to write up a report on my progress thus far . It 's due next week . I hate it when upstairs wants all this damn paperwork with no prior warnings . Yeah , of course , a week is plenty of warning for a report to them , all they do all day is paperwork . But I 'm down here , in the basement , doing work and I really don 't have time for this crap . All ranting aside , though , this is how I get paid and get funding for my research . Stupid bureaucracy . Paperwork will be the death of us all , possibly quite literally . Posted by I do have memories of my childhood . I can 't remember what order most of the go in , but they 're there , making me who I am . I can remember playing video games with Drake in our mother 's apartment . I can remember having a friend , a young girl , maybe a year younger than me , and she had a puppy and we would play in her back yard with him . I also remember the day I grew up . My mother told me that dead things don 't always stay dead . From that memory forward , everything is chronological . Everything is in strict order . We were in the kitchen , working on supper . I was washing carrots , she was gutting a fish . I can 't remember how to conversation took that turn , but it did . Those words are etched into my mind , " Dead things don 't always stay dead . " We had a full conversation , albeit a bit one - sided . She told me , in great detail , everything she saw when she closed her eyes . Everything she saw when she looked through windows . Everything she saw when she locked herself in her room , away from Drake and me . Having Belle around has been a blessing . Yes , she 's had to grow up . Yes , she 's damaged , hurt , scarred . But she 's still got that hope , and that persistence that I haven 't seen in people as a whole since the outbreak . She is too young to remember life before this mess . Every night , I come home to a meal . She spends her mornings studying , fixes herself lunch , then gears up and goes scavenging . It 's dangerous , and I don 't like the thought of her doing it , but she doesn 't exactly follow orders . The truth is , she 's very good at it . It 's like she has radar that can see where no one else is looking and where she can find excellent stuff . If she finds something worth selling , she sells it , if not , she goes to the store and gets whatever we can afford , then goes home and cooks it right in time for us to have dinner together . I never imagined myself as a mother . For years I 've focused on vengeance against the force that took my family away . But Belle was just what I needed , I guess . She has a fresh view on everything . She has that way of thinking that so many young people have , illogical , irrational , but somehow relevant . She was the one who opened my mind to the possibility that PTA didn 't originate in humans . Of course , she thought ( still believes , actually ) that it was some kind of biological warfare from aliens . I wouldn 't go that far , but I must admit that the possibility of a transmitted disease from another species had not been my first guess . Obviously , I had considered it once or twice , but PTA is strange . It 's not just a molecule , not just a cell . It 's actually a sort of parasite . A very aggressive parasite . What threw me off was that it wasn 't compatible with any other animal that has historically spread diseases to humans : rats , monkeys , birds , chickens , cows , pigs , turkeys , hundreds of different species we analyzed , all the way down to house pets , when we put the PTA organism near samples of their tissue , it didn 't touch them . When you did that with human samples , it gobbled it right up . But only human . I still haven 't found the animal it can from , or evolved from , or whatever the case may be , but I can 't see any other explanation . I can 't imagine my life without Belle now . She is my best friend , and she calls me mom . I could do without the nickname , but she does so much for me , and helps me so much , gives me whatever I need , so I 'll do whatever makes her feel better about this situation . I dread the day that she realizes that the world won 't be easier when she gets older , so I try to hide the worst from her . She 's asked to come to work with me before , but I can 't imagine how horrified she 'd be when she saw all the bodies and parts and vials of blood . I don 't want to make that memory resurface . It 's hard enough for her to see me in uniform . I think it reminds her of the people who executed her family . I wish there was an easier way to detain the undead . The way we do it is so brutal . . . I wish I could know what Belle was like before her world was shattered . I remember being seven , and we had to write a paper for school about what we were going to do when we grew up . I stared at that paper for an hour trying to figure out what I wanted to do . I think I finally settled on writer or something like that . I never really had a plan til my brother died . A week after they took his body away , I decided what I wanted to do : I wanted to fight back against God or the Devil or whoever or whatever had caused my only blood relation in this world to die so horribly . So I started thinking , started researching . I could be a finder , researching and hunting down the undead , but that wasn 't fighting the cause , it was treating the symptoms . I thought about becoming a doctor , but after some research I found that there was no treatment , not a single way to even relieve the pain of the people who were dying . That 's when I realized what I wanted to do when I grew up : Become a biologist . Study the undead . Find a treatment , find a cure , and , ultimately , find the source . I continued my schooling by mail , like everyone else who grew up around the same time I did . I worked every day , even the weekends and holidays . I worked from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed , and I ended up finishing my basic education two years early . Then I applied for special training with the government . They didn 't take me the first three times I applied . I talked to dozens of different people from all over the country . Finally , I came into contact with Harper Nelson , the woman who eventually became my advocate and supervisor . At the time I met her , she was recruiting safety assurance assistants , like Jerry and Daniel . " Every single week , I have to file your application . Do I need to schedule you more hours ? How do you have time to fill out that application , with updated information , every single week ? " I didn 't know if I should tell her the truth , or make something up . I sided with the truth , " All I do when I go home every night is work on that application and study anything I can find on the origins of PTA online or in the library . It 's getting difficult to find new information , though . My access to confidential is basically limited to safety protocol , and after six months of reading , I 'm running out of fresh materials . " " I 'm old enough to remember going to school with other people . I remember seeing actual faces in crowds , not just masks and suits . I 'm only young in the sense that I hope one day to raise kids and tell them about how I worked with the team who brought them a world like that . " Harper stamped the papers in front of her . " Take these to payroll . " She handed me a folder . " And take this all the way upstairs , to my boss , Lee Baker . " When you spend two days , completely alone , in PTA ( or Puretoc anagennmenou ) quarantine , wondering if , in a few hours , you 'll stop breathing and have to be destroyed , fear and loneliness and desperation can actually change you . The first time I had to endure it , I was changed . As a kid , I was shy , pensive , fearful almost . I would avoid human contact any time possible , particularly after my mom died . However , the moment I stepped out of that red and white , sterile room , I felt a difference in me . I wanted to hug everyone I saw after that . Harper , my supervisor told me to go home til I was less shocked , and come back with a full report on everything I 'd assessed from the live sample . The desire to constantly be in contact with someone has faded , but never completely gone . I 've been in isolation twice since then , once because of a chemical spill and the other because of an injury . All three times , I 've come out alive , and each time that panic hits as soon as I escape that tiny room . And each time , I go home for a couple days and the desperation fades . Thankfully , I don 't have to go home to an empty room . All of us who work for the government are assigned rooms . For those who still have family , they have little condos . For singles , like me , there is the equivalent of a pre - PTA hotel or motel room . Mine is on the third floor , with a little balcony , overlooking what was probably , ten years ago , a fantastic theme park , here in Cincinnati Ohio . By the time I moved in , however , the signs were all but destroyed so all you can make out is K - - - - - - and . There 's a sliding door which has had the glass replaced with steel and equipped with an air - tight locking seal . The room inside is beige on beige on beige , with a queen size bed with a worn down comforter ( burgundy floral print ) , a little love seat ( burgundy floral print ) , a small table with two chairs , a dresser with a TV , a bedside table with a lamp , a corner desk , a bathroom ( burgundy floral print ) , and a kitchen equipped with sink mini fridge and microwave . We aren 't allowed to keep pets , as it 's too easy for them to get outside and infect us , but we 're allowed to have someone move in , as long as they pass a few tests , drug tests , infection tests , common sense and priority law tests and the like . I found an old bench and sat , looking at a huge metal wheel . What did they call them ? I 'd heard them when I was a kid . . . Tetris Wheel ? Terrace Wheel ? It 'll come to me . . . I was sitting there staring at this massive construction thinking about loneliness and the human instinct toward community , and out of the corner of my eye I saw movement . I wanted to run at first , but then I realized I didn 't need to . There was no point in running . If I was meant to be dead , I 'd be dead . I had no one to protect , provide for , find the answer for , other than me . So I waited . The movement got closer and I watched it . Every so often , it would stop , I could feel it watching me back . Then it would start again , making its way closer in the pitch black darkness . Finally , I looked away , up to the stars , and felt a little gloved hand rest on my knee . I looked down and made eye contact with what , at first , appeared to be a scuba diver . I tiny scuba diver . I looked into the mask and saw little eyes peering out . Little blue eyes , so deep they were almost purple , blinked at me . " I 'm tired , miss , " said a little girl 's voice from out of the scuba helmet . " I 've been walking for two days . Could I please sleep here tonight ? " Within an hour , she was asleep , but before she passed out completely here 's what I learned : She had bright red hair and freckles . She was 12 years old . Her name was Belle . Her mother had un - died and killed her whole family , three brothers , a sister and a father , before her local sheriff came and shot them all . She ran away and never looked back . Her story was fascinating , even though it was told in short spurts between dozing off . Her mother had become aggressive in only a week after her original symptoms started . She had come to a few hours after death , just like the rest do , but she had learned at a much faster pace than my live sample or any undead in stories I 'd read about . It didn 't watch either of my assistants . Just me . We stepped into the vacuum - sealed chamber that connected my world with hers . I noticed as the vacuum seal activated , its chest moving . Breathing ? Pretending to breath ? I took a glass sample dish and held it under her nose . Almost instantly , the heat and moisture made two small patches of condensation . She was actually breathing . I pulled out my notepad and wrote " actual breathing , day 59 . " Then I heard the sound I still have nightmares about . It was like a whining cat , high pitched , and ethereal . I looked up and saw Daniel and Jerry stepping away from it . She was pulling against the restraints , and making a face like she was baring her teeth , except that there were no teeth there . A few hours later , I heard another scream , and I heard something rip . I looked into her chamber and saw that one arm had ripped the restraint out of the lining of her mattress . You could see the snapped bone trying to push through her skin , and she was pulling with the other arm to free herself . Soon enough , she had worked her way out of the restraints , and was pacing the window of her chamber , head tilted to one side , gums bared . I suited up , and took half a raw turkey in one hand , my revolver in the other , into the chamber . I stepped into the chamber and tossed the turkey across the floor past her . Her eyes followed it for a split second , then trained back on me again . She opened her mouth and made this hissing sound , like air escaping a balloon . Then she lunged at me , mouth wide open and her good hand in a claw shape . Her body hit me with the whole force of her 98 pounds , and we hit the floor . I shoved her off of my gear and shot her in the face . One . Two . Three shots to the face . One : Between the eyes . Two : between the lips . Three : the center of the neck . I sat in the chamber beside her for what seemed like years until Daniel and Jerry returned . All I remember is a lot of yelling , air seals locking and unlocking , and quarantine . Forty - eight hours alone , when all I wanted in the world was someone to hold me . Five years ago , we had the worst outbreak , nearly a third of the world , dead , undead , dead again ( hopefully for good ) . I study them now . I dissect their bodies and tissue and cells like aliens . Try to find cures , treatments , weapons . . . By the time they get to me they 've died twice , and their tissue is almost goo . I had an undead sample once , and I still have nightmares about the night I had to re - kill her . But she gave me some ground breaking info . Some my supervisor told me to forget . Also , they get smarter , and I 've all but verified it by reports and stories every where from the books of the police to hospital reports to civilian accounts on - line . They don 't learn quickly , but it 's enough to notice . My subject learned to walk on all fours within 48 hours , two feet by the fourth day . One of the strangest things I noticed was that her eyes were unresponsive , she had no life signs except for on the cellular level , and she didn 't need to eat or drink for over a week . Then , all of a sudden , it was like she wasn 't looking through me or toward me anymore , but she was looking at me . So , I checked her reflexes again , and , amazingly enough , she was using her eyes , seeing through them . The next day , she had a pulse , and two days after that she began eating . She tried to eat the coverings on the bunk in her isolation chamber , but her teeth were pulling out . So I tried feeding her different vital human foods , and she would take a bite or two , but wasn 't able to digest anything . I tried every food available that humans could eat : fruit , veggies , breads , rice , noodles , cooked meats , everything . I didn 't want to accept the possibility that she was going to be like the undead zombies in old movies and eat human flesh , but she was getting weak and I didn 't want to lose my only almost live subject , so I started giving her raw meats . She was able to digest fowl , but didn 't seem to like it , quit eating it after a while . I tried pork and beef , and finally settled on a rotating diet of the three , so that she wouldn 't get tired of them and starve herself . I studied her for twelve hours a day for nearly two months . I watched her skin deteriorate , I watched her cells change and it is my belief that finally she , no , it , became self - aware . It wasn 't a woman anymore , its features were distorted and its hair was rotting off . One day I came into the lab , turned on the lights , and it was just standing at the window of the isolation chamber . There was half a bloody chicken lying by its feet . That 's what my mom told me , my first memory . I think I was six , maybe seven . It 's my first memory of her . She died when I was ten . But I know better . I see them , now . Not the same ones , but I know she wasn 't hallucinating . She was seeing the future . I know better than to share that knowledge , though . I 'd never have gotten my job if they thought I believed that . There 's not much room for belief in ESP in biology . Not right now . The government wants answers . They want facts . A few months after my mother died , people on the news started telling everyone to wear medical masks , that a new flu or something was going around . So my aunt got us masks and we stopped going to the park to play . Soon they told us to stop going to school , and they mailed us packets to work on every week . Then , my brother got sick . He had gone to the grocery store with my aunt , he had met a girl and , being a sixteen year old boy , he had gone against common sense and direct instruction and he had taken off his mask . He was already sick by the time he came home , and my aunt told me to keep my mask on , even in the house , and he wasn 't allowed to leave his room . Or maybe he wasn 't able to . All I know is that by the next week , I could smell death , even through my mask . My aunt came in my room as the sun rose , but I 'd already been awake by the smell coming from the next room . She told me my brother , Drake , was with our mother . Her eyes and face were wet but she didn 't sob . Then she left my room and I heard her make a phone call , her voice trembling with sorrow . The crew arrived and a nice lady took us out to the lawn . She talked to me , but I couldn 't hear her . All I could hear was my brother 's groans and the thumping and bumping from his room , so she turned to my aunt and they talked and cried . I don 't remember anything else except for three gunshots and a body bag . I guessed that was why my aunt hadn 't been letting us watch the news anymore , when I saw his name on the list of the ' victims . ' The dead were not staying dead , just like mom had said . |
Now where did we leave off . . . I think I had just gotten out of the Kansas Institute and returned to my senior year of high school . The only thing I am proud of in this is that years later when I wanted to go to college and ordered my transcript , I discovered I had made a 3 . 8 GPA even with a nervous breakdown . I also was still a member of The National Honor Society and had the sticker on my diploma . This doesn 't mean I was super smart , it just means I did a good job during a very difficult time . I forgot one other thing that shaped my fear of men . I used to ride my bike to school with my friend every day . One day , she had to stay after school and I went home alone . I lived less than a half mile away . I stopped at a stop sign and a car pulled up to me . The man said , " Have you ever seen a cop this big ? " Now , at the age of 11 , the word I heard was cop . However , going by the towel on his lap that was lifted so I could see said " cop " , that is not the word . All I knew was some strange guy was talking to me and showing me things I didn 't need to see . I ran , terrified , back to the school and although I can very vaguely remember having to give a report to the police , that 's all I remember from that incident . I was in no way shape or form ready to start college after I graduated . It was too bad too , since I actually had a scholarship to a local college . The only problem was , the college was up by where my Dad now lived and I couldn 't deal with that . So , I figured out what my strength was , and got a job . I was an excellent babysitter so I applied at La Petite Academy and was hired . At that time , you needed extra child classes but could get them through the businesses , you didn 't have to have an early childhood education degree . Considering I am only 37 , it sounds weird when I say that time , like it was ancient history . LOL It does FEEL like decades and decades ago . Anyway , that job was the happiest time of my life . I was really good with kids and even better , I was good with parents ! I started out helping someone with the one year old 's , but eventually they built on a nursery and I ended up heading it . I was really proud that I accomplished that at 19 . Taking care of the babies was the best thing I ever did . Some times , I miss those days . I have skipped over some things that made those days the best days as well as some of my worst days . I loved having my nephew in the daycare , I got to see him every day . Yeah , my nephew , I was married . I knew the sister of the man I would marry , we went to school together . He came over to buy my word processor I had for sale and started flirting with me . I didn 't actually know he was flirting , I 'm just a little wiser now . A couple of weeks went by and he proposed . Now , I had been out of the hospital less than a year and let 's just say , I wasn 't totally all there in the head yet either . My self esteem was so low , I figured nobody else would ever want me and I might as well marry him . Yeah , a real love match . There 's something about having the marriage certificate in hand that makes some men nut up . He was normal until we were married , but then he started yelling at me all the time . He would tell me about how worthless I was and bully me into giving him my check from the daycare . He had income as well but that was spent however he wanted it . In the meantime , my nephew is removed from his mother 's care due to suspected child abuse ( he came to daycare with his head all squishy from cerebral spinal fluid leaking ) . I was still living at home , so was my husband . We couldn 't afford to move out on our own but Mom didn 't mind . It was a big house and there was plenty of room . But she did get tired of him abusing me and finally said something along these lines , " I do not want to see you being abused and can 't take it anymore . Either move out so I don 't have to watch , or leave him . " She wasn 't serious about me leaving of course , she was trying to give me a mental " shake " . It worked . I left him and we sSome would say that it is not rape and I have been struggling with that for over a decade . But I finally think a decent person would have realized that I was not with him and stopped . I did not come on to him if there is any confusion there , I was just gone . I said no , quietly , once , was ignored , and then I was no longer in my own head . I had all the signs that things were not right , taking a shower and scrubbing until I was bright red , feeling like something was wrong , etc . The police were great , they never doubted it was rape and told me so . I didn 't get an exam , I was terrified of them . That 's another odd thing with me . I am terrified of gynecological exams and that was before I even had them . This isn 't nerves , this is visceral terror . My first exam was the one where I found out for sure I was pregnant with TJ at 22 . I always figured I didn 't need it since I wasn 't sexually active . Its pretty dumb on my part since my Mom had cervical cancer when she was pregnant with me . I was born a month late due to cryotreatments . Luckily , it didn 't affect me in any way other than slowing my growth so I was late . I was only 7 lbs 9 oz even though it was 4 weeks past time . So yeah , I know its stupid that I avoid them , but it hasn 't stopped me . The police had to drag my Mom off my rapist , she was choking him . They let her punch him one last time then yanked her off . They said something about it being unfortunate that they couldn 't let her kill him . When he got out on bail , all Hell broke loose . My room in the duplex contained the back door . He would yell through at night about what he was going to do to me for ruining his life . He was constantly trying to break the door down and needless to say , I didn 't sleep much . The landlord couldn 't evict them because of some clause for families with children under one year . I couldn 't even get a restraining order because he had a right to be in his home and it was the other side of my house . Things were really getting bad and Mom decided to send me to California . The only good news I have is , after Mom joined me about a year later she told me that he raped another girl and lost his child ( social services , not death ) due to drug use and neglect . So he got his , it just kicked in too late for me . Mom and I were so close , leaving to go to California was the scariest thing I had ever done . I lived with my aunt and uncle out here and actually started healing . I found a good psychiatrist and therapist and my uncle and I would have talks about my Dad . My aunt was like a second mother and I eventually enrolled in college out here . Then came the day my uncle was out of town for work and my aunt had a manic episode . My aunt is bipolar and I don 't know if it was the stress of my uncle being gone , she needed new meds or what . But an incident happened while I was home between classes and she scared me to death . I ran next door to the neighbor and she took me in . I was about 1800 miles from home and terrified . A call to my uncle later and he asked her if I could stay until he got back home . I had watched her kids many times so she was happy to have me there to help her more often . My uncle came home and my aunt came out of her mania , not even remembering what happened . I stayed with the family , right next door , still going to college for about five months . Then things got too confusing for me again and I dropped out to become her nanny . I didn 't know she was taking advantage of a confused girl , I thought it was great . I got to do what I love , take care of kids , and had a safe place to stay . I missed Mom so much though and I guess my aunt couldn 't figure out why I wouldn 't come home . I spent Thanksgiving alone , the family went to a relative . I did have a turkey TV dinner though . LOL I can look back now and see that I was taken advantage of . I did all the cleaning as well as watching the girls in exchange for a bed and food . I was never given any money . Anyway , Christmas was great because Mom was coming ! I was so happy when she pulled up and I saw her for the first time in over a year . I will give my Dad one thing , he sent a money order for a deposit on an apartment . It really wasn 't much considering he cleaned out all our accounts , including my college , the day after Mom kicked him out . But I will give him that . Anyway , we were happy in our apartment , I even had an iguana for a pet . I tried several jobs and never lasted more than a couple of days . That was the start of being unable to cope with a lot of people around me . Telemarketing was the biggest flop . One of my phone calls , I reached someone in the middle of a viewing . Yes , like someone was dead . My boss wanted me to call them back another time ! That was my last day . Things seemed to happen all at once after that . My iguana went into puberty and bit my nose so hard he drew blood ( he used to kiss it ) and ended up in a pet shop . Yeah , I know its normal but I was a bit scared of him after that and figured it would be better to get him a new home . He wasn 't just dropped off , it was a consignment type situation . I checked on him periodically , worried about him , even though he did bite my nose . Then came the eviction notice at the end of the month . Um , what ? ? ? Turns out the manager of the apartment took all the month 's rents and split ! We had a receipt but the owner didn 't care , they had lost a lot of money and a lot of people were evicted . We staved it off for about a month with fake bankruptcies . Did you know that if you file for one and then let the time run out without doing anything , you gain some time to figure out what to do in an eviction ? That 's why I don 't have one on record , it was just a ploy to buy time . We ended up in a hotel andMom had a job and I was watching a baby for someone . But it wasn 't enough , not even for a pay by the week hotel . So three months in , I was back in Missouri . At first , I was at my Dad 's Mom 's house . She spent all her time berating me about my childhood and what Mom did to Dad . She even told me she was molested by her brother and she turned out just fine so I was being ridiculous ? ! Notice she didn 't say she didn 't believe me , just that it shouldn 't affect me ! I had been encouraged by my psychiatrist and therapist in California to go on disability . I had a psychiatrist and therapist in Missouri as well and they agreed . I was still in my appealing / filing time and had no income . I would go over to my Dad 's apartment just to get away from my grandmother and even slept on a cot in his one room apartment . Talk about twisted ! He did his best while I was there to convince me that my memories were messed up . I was so confused by the time I got accepted for disability and was able to get an apartment of my own . I met my current husband ( yeah , I know , we aren 't divorced yet ) in the apartment building . I would like to tell you it was love at first sight and I knew what the heck I was doing . But I can 't . I was so messed up that I don 't even remember dating him . I know we dated for like six months but I can 't really remember anything about it . I know what we did because I was pregnant when I got married . But I have never lost that , out of body experience , during times of intimacy thing . That 's ultimately why I decided I was better off alone . But I am skipping ahead of myself here . Everything was fine until we were married . Then , for lack of better words , he wigged out . Its like he suddenly couldn 't handle being a husband and father at the same time . He started going downhill until he was admitted to the hospital in about my seventh month . He would not get out until our son was six days old . His sister was my labor coach and I don 't know what I would have done without her . I really didn 't realize that 13 days after TJ was born , IThese are such heavy subjects that I thought a cute / funny photo would be nice to end with . This is Snowy in TJ 's shirt instead of Peanut . As you can see , he doesn 't fit as well ! I have heard of a site that tears apart MWOPers but I had never been there . Comments made about SNORT made me curious and you know what they say about that . I wish I hadn 't gone there and read the comments but I can 't go back in time . I very rarely say something judging Jen in a negative way and am usually complimenting her on something . I guess a few times lately I have been more negative than positive and the one good thing reading over there did was remind me of that fact . I have no obligation but I am going to answer some of the things that were addressed on that site about my life . In one way , I hesitate to do this because of that whole , " The lady doth protest too much , " thing but I have decided to do it nevertheless . I thought I would give some of my background for this post since I had intended to give a little more of everyone 's history anyway . I was born in Kansas City , Missouri in 1975 . So yes , that makes me 37 years old . I did pretty well in school , was in honors classes , etc . , but I wouldn 't say I was a genius . We moved a lot because my Dad was in charge of paying bills and he didn 't do very well at his job . Yes , that means we got evicted a lot . We had the money , my Mom has no clue what he managed to do it . She wasn 't paying them because at one time she went to college and worked full time , then after that she worked full time and was at work during the hours she could have paid bills . Remember , there was no internet then for you to submit them ! You could mail them but we really didn 't trust the mail . I asked her one time why she kept trusting him when he wasn 't paying and she said it was like disbelief , she should have been able to trust her husband ! I can see that one . I can 't tell you the first street I lived on , the last one I lived on before I became an adult , or pretty much any of them in between because I don 't remember . I do know I have lived in KC , MO ; Grandview , MO ; Raytown , MO ; Springfield , MO ; Hemet , CA ; and Orange County , CA . I currently live in Hemet . Other than the moving , things were pretty normal until I was about 12 . My Dad was sick a lot when I was younger as well but I really don 't remember it . My Mom worked for the USDA as a freight rate specialist . Yep , she was the one responsible for making sure that our yucky school meals arrived as scheduled . I used to give her a hard time about that . I complained once about the black cherries in our cherry cobbler and she started laughing . I guess they were some gourmet something or other but us kids had been turning our noses up because they didn 't look right . Anyway , she had a really good income and if I asked for something , I usually could have it . The only good thing about that is I wasn 't a naturally greedy kid and really didn 't ask for things . I was very active with other kids before I became a teenager . I actually got out , played tag , rode bikes , etc . None of that changed until I was a pre - teen . My Dad was not a predictable . He worked for Universal Underwriters for a short time then chopped off the tip of his pinky in the printing press . It did take time for him to recover , but it seemed that he lost all interest in working after that . For the rest of my childhood he did a little handyman work , worked at a hardware store and that 's about it . I think he was working at the hardware store when things started really going downhill . One summer , a friend of my Mom 's at work invited us all on his sailboat . It was a fun summer but my Dad got sicker every time we went out . He wasn 't seasick , but he had this weird rash on his face and he just felt ick . That started the first round of medical drama . I was dragged from pillar to post , relative to relative as Mom took him all over trying to find answers . She even ended up at Duke University at one point , but that 's later . Finally , he was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus and the rash on his face was one of the biggest signs . Its called a butterfly rash because that 's what it looks like . I started picking up second hand nursing journals from garage sales and every other medical book I could get my hands on . For me , knowledge was the key to everything . As long as I knew what was going on , I was okay . Then came the day he woke up with a knot on his side . When he went to bed it was the size of a marble and when he woke up , it was the size of a grapefruit . I will never know what caused the original infection , whether that was on its own or helped along , as I will explain later . He went to the doctor and they lanced it , as they generally do with lumps on your skin . After this point , things are not necessarily in order as they happened because my short term memory is shot and my long term memory has holes worse than Swiss cheese . At some point the wound in his side was 13 inches across and all the way down to organs . It wouldn 't go away and was packed more then daily with gauze soaked with a bleach solution . Packed literally , all the way down to the bottom . Sometimes my Mom wasPart two later . TJ and I start our gym membership on Tuesday . The poor kid has three classes on Monday , one being at 8 am , so I thought perhaps Mondays would not be a good day ! So our gym days will be Tuesday , Thursday and Saturday . If he wants too , Saturdays are also a family swim day and he can go swim after he works out . I was going to go three days in a row but Dad said he should have a day to recover his muscles and the gym instructions say something about that too . Surprisingly , I am kind of looking forward to working out , we 'll see how long that lasts ! LOL I have started wearing my size 14 's and other than the shorts with an elastic waistband , they fit pretty well . The shorts still feel a bit tight to me . I don 't know if that is from being too used to wearing loose clothes or because they really are . I found some tops online and will post pics of them in a minute . I wasn 't looking forward to picking out or trying on a new swimsuit , so I was thrilled I found one that I don 't think needs trying on and looks like something I would actually wear ! First , the swimsuit , its cute , its not too revealing and it looks like me Yeah , I know , two posts in one day . That is pretty impressive ! But , the first post was a bit of a downer and I doubt either of the 2 people ( LOL ) that read this were really interested . That post was for me . Anyway , we have had a lot going on and I have a few little stories to share . We still don 't have all our stuff from the mobile but Mom and I have a new plan . We are going to go over early every morning and get a van load . If she is having an exceptionally good day , we will go in the evening as well . You would be surprised what I can get in there by filling up the back and both back seats ! I am not thrilled about putting it all in the formal living room but its only temporary . I can unpack it from there . It WILL be nice not to have this conversation , " Where is * * * * ? Oh yeah , its at the mobile ! " Mom 's tummy is not happy right now . Her diverticulitis was exacerbated by West Nile virus . My Dad and her got a mild case of it . Unfortunately , everything that she gets that affects her stomach lasts longer with her because it usually also aggravates her medical problems . Dad is feeling better but she is still fighting lingering symptoms . She hasn 't been able to tool around on her scooter much because its cooler in the evening but no less humid . She can 't breathe when its too wet out . Her birthday and anniversary were both this week so it was kind of a sucky week . The only upside was finding this great Italian restaurant that delivers in our neighborhood . We ordered Chicken Parmesan for her birthday and it was really good ! It was $ 32 for the entree , a family salad , a 2 liter of pop and delivery . That dish had EIGHT chicken breasts ! ! ! We ended up feeding a total of 13 people from that one dish . Of course I mean it was us eating it on different days for lunch , etc . Its not something we can do all the time on our budget of course , but very affordable once a month , especially with all the leftovers . For her anniversary I got her a single serving tuxedo mousse ( if you don 't know what it is , find out , OMG ) and put a candle in it . Then Dad and TJ got a cupcake . I had a single serve Dryers double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream . It was almost too chocolatey ! I know , I know , hard to be too chocolatey , but it was only almost . Peanut gave us quite a giggle the other day as well as a bit of a worry ! Mom wasn 't sure if she was going to have great grand - kids . We have been getting sporadic storms with thunder and lightning . Well , Peanut doesn 't like thunder and was scared . So she crawled into TJ 's boxers ! I am not sure how she manages it , but she does . Anyway , she poked her head out of the slit and it looked really odd ! Just imagine looking over at your child and seeing a dog 's head peeking out of the front flap of boxers . The worry was because if she gets mad , she is not in a good place for biting . I am afraid I did not take pictures . I know they would have made great blog fodder and all but I was just don 't think it would have been appropriate ! Snowy had a story of his own . Mom uses a pillow under my laptop to get it higher for her and somehow , it became a game for him to attack the pillow when she 's done playing . He listens for the click of the mouse turning off , her shutting the lid , etc . He 's pretty good at it ! When he hears them , he races over and starts barking for the pillow . We usually wrestle him with it awhile and then put it up . Well , today Mom barked back at him when he barked for the pillow ! He stopped and just looked at her , cocking his head . No telling what she said but he went nuts , really attacking the pillow after that . We were all cracking up . TJ had his first week of 9th grade this week and it was packed ! He normally only has one class each day but since they only had three days this week , they packed a lot into them . The classes were much shorter than they normally are but the chaos of the schedule caused a lot of meltdowns . Not to mention whining . For the most part , he is really a very good kid and we hadn 't had meltdowns in a long time . I guess we are pretty lucky , I have heard some real horror stories of kids with Aspergers that are violent . That doesn 't mean that the whining didn 't get old ! We have our own schedule with his school , they are supposed to do a little of all their classes each day but that is not works for TJ . He does best by doing the whole week 's work for one class each day . For example , Monday is his live LA class . So on Mondays , he will do all of his LA work for the week . There is always wiggle room in case there is too much work for just that one day . Another class might have less work so that day he can do some spillover things . The other thing is that a couple of the classes have like a cumulative paper due at the end of every quarter . So he works a little bit on those every week to take a big assignment down to size . It works great , his papers are always exceptional with all that extra time and always done early ! I have been going to the laundromat about once a week . Unfortunately , I kept getting up too late this week and had about 10 dryer load 's worth . We do have a washer / dryer at our house but its still not hooked up . In the mobile , we had them inside and could do laundry any time of day . Over here , its in the garage and its too hot to be out there . I feel sick just going out to get bedding and hay to change bunny boxes . So we have put on hold any more renovation , etc , until the weather cools . Its either pay the electric / gas / water company for using the washer / dryer or pay the laundromat . While its so hot , its going to be the laundromat . I get there about 8 am and am done by 10 am so that 's not too bad ! You don 't want to go any later than that or the laundromat will be too hot . LOL I am continuing to lose and still eating normal . Last night I weighed Snow and Peanut to see what they are now and I weighed 178 in the evening ! That means that in the morning , I will most likely weigh 177 , I am not holding my breath for 176 because your weight loss slows big time as you level off . And in case you were interested , Peanut weighs a whole 3 lbs now ! Snowy weighs 8 . 4 and the treats are getting cut off . Its hard because they look at you with true puppy eyes but he 's supposed to weigh like 5 or 6 . They got a bath today and look so pretty . The white part of their fur is very white and they are all fluffy . For a three lb dog , Peanut let me know how much she liked her sink bath . Needless to say , it wasn 't much . They have been scratching a lot but I have never found fleas . I think they have really dry skin and hopefully that will help . Peanut spent her dry time in her towel in TJ 's shirt . Snowy took a shower with Dad and I guess he liked it until he figured out that he was getting washed too , not just Dad . Let 's just say Dad learned the hard way that he needs wear something in the shower to bathe the dog ! Well , I think that 's about everything that has been happening around here . I need to blog more often but it will actually get harder now that he is back in school . He is really smart but lacks some confidence so a lot of the time I have to sit with him while he does his assignments . He does do more and more each year on his own though , I am really proud of him . Dad and I are watching Dawn of the Dead and I suppose I should get some dinner . We still have leftover chicken tacos we need to clean up so I guess I will raid the fridge . I try not to talk to my Mom and Dad too much about smoking because discussing it makes it worse . But for awhile now there have been some things I wanted to say to them and and just couldn 't speak about them . So I thought maybe I would get some of my frustration out by " telling " them on here . To Mom and Dad , First of all , I love you . I love you so much that I am terrified when I think of the time you are longer going to be around . You and TJ are my world , without you , I don 't know what my life would be like . And I don 't want to find out anytime soon . What does this have to do with smoking ? Your smoking is causing you to leave me before you should . Mom , you are on oxygen at night and sometimes I am pretty sure you should be on it during the day . You struggle to breathe just because you took a shower ! You promised me when I was a little girl that you would NEVER keep smoking long enough to end up oxygen . You are late on that by several years . I know you were born with and developed worse lung problems growing up so you will not get rid of all of the problems by quitting . But you can 't tell me that it is HELPING these for you smoke ! You talk often about alcoholics and drug addicts being selfish . What you don 't see is what you are doing is selfish to yourself as well as to your family . Your choosing to continue and waffling about a quit date is taking you away from me more and more each day . Its taking you away from your husband and grandson as well . And as for Dad ? He has a message too , its coming . I am not picking on either of you . Dad , you have just as many excuses to keep smoking as Mom does . Yay , you don 't have COPD or emphysema . That is wonderful but its besides the point . Just because you don 't have it NOW doesn 't mean you won 't get it in the future . You also say Mom smokes more than you do . Guess what ? You are right about that . And what do you tell me about alcoholics all the time ? " So and so is a much worse drinker than I am ! " So what if she smokes more , its okay for you to keep it up because you don 't use as much nicotine ? As much POISON ? That is one of your more ridiculous excuses . I know its ten times harder to quit when someone else is still doing it but its not impossible . No , I have never smoked and never will . But there are people out there that have been smoking longer than both of you and they managed to quit . How did they do it ? Well , first of all , they quit making excuses . I want both of you around for a long , long time to come . I know Mom keeps telling me that she is going to be around so long she will be a problem to her great grandchildren but those are just words . If you don 't stop what you are doing , that is not going to happen . Dad , your health has started a bit of a decline as well , think of how much ground you will gain by not smoking anymore . And how about TJ and I ? I have been breathing smoke since I was about 9 years old and it hasn 't affected me so far but I have been lucky . How would you feel if one of these doctor appointments I came home and told you I had developed lung issues ? Please , both of you , not for my sake , not for TJ 's sake , but for YOUR sake , stop smoking . I don 't say try because trying doesn 't work . This time , it has to . I was anorexic from about 13 years old until I was 23 , after I had my son . My grandmother and Dad trained me from a very young age to eat extremely small portions so even before my teens , I wasn 't a big girl . You might be wondering why my Mom let this go on ? Simple , she didn 't know . My Mom went to school and worked full time when I was young , then worked even longer hours when I was older . That and I was not exactly a noisy child . I didn 't talk about things going on with me . I was a little on the low side but not bad weight wise until I hit my growth spurt . Since I was short for my age until then , it wasn 't that noticeable . Then I grew 6 inches literally over one summer and at six foot tall and 12 years old , it was obvious to anyone but me that I was extremely underweight . You could count my floating ribs . I wore a size 0 and my Mom sometimes had to take it in for me . I can 't remember if I thought I was fat , my memories are pretty fuzzy of that point in my life . I do know that my Dad being sick all the time caused me so much stress that I wasn 't hungry and my stomach hurt all the time . By the time I had the nervous breakdown at 17 , this was due to full blown ulcers . My Mom asked my Dad and grandmother one time why they did what they did and they gave her some story that her family has weight problems and they kept me from getting fat . Yeah , Dad isn 't the greatest and grandma was not a nice person . For clarification , this is NOT the Dad I talk about lovingly . He 's actually my stepDad , but long ago earned the right to have the step removed . I wish he was a part of my life before I was 20 years old ! I was 6 foot tall with a little heavier bone structure and I weighed 86 lbs at my absolute lightest . By the time I got out of the hospital , I weighed above life threatening danger level but was still way underweight . And if anyone is stupid enough to think this is a good idea , I was told I didn 't have any damage they could find right away but it was likely , almost even certain that we would find damage as I got older . I think the reason I have trouble losing weight now is that my metabolism was messed up . You can rock your metabolism to lose again by eating more . It usually takes about 2 weeks for it to re - set but mine can take up to a month . It really can be annoying . Fast forward to 22 and I was pregnant with my son . I never had gained enough to be at a normal weight and fought that until my seventh month . I checked in with WIC and that was their constant complaint . I was not at a healthy weight and they were concerned . My seventh month I finally gained enough that I was actually a normal weight for once in my life . I was still thin but it didn 't seem like that would ever change . After TJ was born , I immediately dumped all the weight again and left the hospital looking like I had not just given birth . Pictures of TJ and I when he was younger still show a thin me that is at a normal weight . I think the first signs of my metabolism changing were about the time he turned seven . I was still eating anything I wanted to but it was starting to show too . About five years ago , I went on Slim Fast as well as went swimming all the time and did really well , that time I lost 30 pounds . I bought some skorts that were size 14 in the hopes that I would be wearing them but I fell off the wagon and kept on rolling . The exciting thing is that I saved the skorts and tried them on last night . They fit ! But this is the first part of the story and I am skipping to the end . I noticed I was heavy but it just wasn 't something on my mind much . Then I decided to get pictures of TJ and I together for Dad for Father 's Day . When they came back , I was shocked . I couldn 't believe that was me . I wore a size 18 and am pretty sure I was closer to a 20 . But I still didn 't do anything about it . Then one day I went with Mom while she had her blood drawn and I sat in a chair with arms . It wasn 't a small chair , it was just a normal size chair . And it was tight . That did it for me . I had never had a chair be tight on me in my life and I wasn 't going to start now . I had to make some changes . That was on Jan 8 , 2012 . The girls on MWOP talked about MyFitnessPal . It a calorie counter and an exercise recorder . The best part is that its free and I didn 't have to buy special food . The weird thing I noticed is that I went back and forth between eating way too much and not enough . The first step I had to take was to quit skipping breakfast . I wasn 't hungry in the morning but you could see my portions at dinner were increased on days I didn 't have breakfast . I had to quit skipping meals . My problem wasn 't really eating too much . My problem was not eating enough so my body would hold onto what little I would give it . I was STILL mostly eating like I was an anorexic . But my body was no longer acting like one , holding onto every calorie I would give it and giving nothing up . I don 't know if that is from damage or just getting older . I had become a bit too sedentary as well . So I started eating three meals a day , whether I wanted to or not , and exercising . At first , I just did sit ups and things on the floor . But later I purchased one of those exercise " bikes " that is just pedals for your feet . I still had my ice cream , cakes , etc . , just not all the time , not every day . And if I did eat like that , I pedaled for it . It took a few pounds to notice a difference but results were showing . According to my goal of 169 lbs , I still have 10 lbs to go . I have lost 40 lbs so far and am happy with how things are going . I still can eat my treats , I just adjust for them . I am eating pretty normal , in fact my food diary is filled with fast food entries due to house renovation . I haven 't decided if I am going to stick to my goal or stop in another five pounds or so . I am tall and have a large frame so my normal range should be between 150 - 180 . I don 't want to go down to 150 because that 's a slippery slope . I want to stop at a weight where I can lose or gain a little and it won 't be a big deal . That 's how I settled on 169 . I thought 50 was a nice , round number . But in the process , I have learned that this isn 't an exact science and I have to be flexible . Right now ? I am beyond thrilled that I tried on my long awaited skorts and finally made a goal I started five years ago . No telling how far this journey will take me . Tonight I thought I would talk about the last two furry members of our family . But first , I am going to whine a bit and update on a few things . LOL I was thrilled that TJ got a card on Monday from Tom with his birthday money . I am not happy things went the way they did , but he 's trying again . I was surprised , the whole time he kept telling me that even though he was manic , it was not an excuse . I was actually a bit proud of him . My aunt is bipolar and tells us that no matter how manic she is , she is still responsible for her own actions . Tom usually just makes an excuse , so I guess at 47 he is finally growing up . LOL I wanted to whine as well . Today 's high here in Hemet was 108 and its going to be even hotter tomorrow . I am so thankful that we now have a place that is always cool enough for Mom 's breathing . Cross your fingers that Mom is feeling well tomorrow , we really need to take my laptop in for an overhaul . If we take it in first thing in the morning , we will have it back before they close . Since Mom is addicted to Pogo / Facebook games and tomorrow is Pogo badge day , that will be very important ! Its two years old and I have never had it cleaned . We get so much dust here that I have to clean my desktop out every six months or so . I am too nervous to open the laptop , its just too small in there . Anyway , you came to hear about the two furries so I will quit whining . LOL TJ has always wanted a chihuahua . Part of it was Beverly Hills Chihuahua and part of it was just him . So for his 12th birthday , we decided he was old enough and responsible enough for a dog . I called the shelter and for once , they didn 't have any puppies in . Normally we always adopt from the shelter but we wanted him to have the experience of raising a puppy just once . So I looked in the PennySaver . Its like a small classified newspaper we get free here in SoCal . Most of the ads were outrageous and completely out of our budget . Then I saw one for $ 150 and that was affordable . They were born on April 20 , 2010 and at the time of the ad were about 4 weeks old . I called the man and we took T over to look at them . He had told me that TJ would be able to pick his pup out but by the time we got there , only two were left . I was a little irritated but the one he thought would be perfect for him was busily eating his shoelaces . That dog was Snowy . We had a small complication though . There was a tiny puppy there that the guy gave for my Mom to hold . She was the runt and came out with him snapping and snarling at a whole half pound . The moment she was put on Mom , she settled in . He told us that was the first time he had seen her calm since she was born and Mom had to take her too . I pointed out that $ 300 was over my budget and he said if we bought Snowy , we could have her for free . That is how Peanut became our bargain puppy . LOL We still had my Mom 's dog , Docker , at the time . He was blind and deaf and TERRIFIED of the two pups . He couldn 't see or hear them but knew that something was there . Its too bad too , Peanut just adored him . We ended up putting Docker to sleep a month later . He got to the point that he was terrified of everything . The poor dog just stood and shook . He had a great life , he was 17 years old , he had just had enough . It wasn 't just the puppies , he was afraid to go out , he was afraid to stay in , etc . It was really sad . One of the reasons we decided to get the pups even though we still had Docker was because we kept telling TJ he could have a dog after Docker was gone . It started sounding a bit morbid ! He was upset that Docker had to die first , not wanting to lose Docker to get his pup . Put like that , it didn 't sound right . Anyway , the pup 's antics helped with our sadness at losing Doc . Don 't get me wrong , we still miss him , even now , but watching the puppies tumble over each other made it possible to laugh again . The funny thing is that Peanut was Mom 's dog and Snowy was TJ 's dog . After we fixed Snowy and I took care of him , he became my dog . I felt sooooooo bad ! But then Peanut transferred to TJ and the only one left with no dog now is Mom ! LOL Peanut was always fond of him but now she really is his dog ! One of her favorite places to sleep was in his slipper . They came home weighing 1 / 2 lb ( Peanut ) and 3 / 4 lb ( Snowy ) and now they are 2 1 / 2 lbs and 8 . 2 lbs . Yeah , Snow needs to lose about three lbs ! Peanut likes the bunnies , I am not sure she knows what they are but seems to think Butter is her boyfriend . TJ says its because they are the same color . LOL Snowy thinks they are grow a snack and we have to be careful with him . OMG , I am ready to kill his dog . She was on my lap just going nuts growling at her brother because she doesn 't want him on me even though I 'm HIS human . I finally had to call TJ in from playing because she was making me so nervous with her growling . She may only weigh 2 1 / 2 lbs but she has 20 lbs of attitude ! ! ! ! That concludes your introduction to the last two furry members of our family . The next post will be about one of the humans . : ) Okay , I know that I said I would introduce everyone and I still will . I just thought I would take a little break to update everyone on what we are up to ! Of course , we don 't have near as much drama going on as some people do . We still don 't have everything over here but Mom has health problems off and on . You never know what kind of a day it will be . I have been busy re - reading the Stephanie Plum books instead of blogging or keeping up with the MWOP site . LOL I did finally get enough of my stuff over here that I can start making memory angels again . I had a friend that had a baby and pre - eclampsia . She ended up having a seizure during labor and whatever happened to her body at that time also happened to her daughter . Rose lived a very short time and I was left wondering what I was going to do . I had made her a layette ( I was on a major layette kick at that time and it seemed like EVERYONE I knew was pregnant ! ) and wasn 't sure whether to send it or not . Turns out she still wanted it , her sister was going to make her a shadow box . Anyway , I wanted to do something for her and Rose became my first memory angel baby . They turned out to be rather addictive in a sad way . She loved it so much that I started looking around for other recipients . I think my next one was Christian , Carly 's little boy . I think her project was called Names in the Sand but now its Project Heal . Many , many more would come . In fact , too many followed that one . I burnt out about a year ago and I have been trying to finish my last one ever since . If you ever want to see all of them , they are here . I have never charged for them and I don 't really have any specific criteria . I am not that good at mouths so I usually stick with babies / toddlers but my current one is an exception . You will probably recognize some of the children 's names on those pages . I hope to start on the one I am now in the next few days , its time for her go home . My Mom got her scooter . I am so happy for her ! She is having a blast , my Dad actually heard her giggling like a young girl last night when she was taking a few spins around the block . We don 't have a lift so she can 't take it with her yet but even just being able to take a drive around the neighborhood has really put color back in her cheeks . She is losing as well , I wish she would let me get a pic of how loose her shorts are but I was lucky she let me take these pics of her scooter with her on it ! I went to WalMart the other night and got some more stuff for the house . I was very excited , I couldn 't wait until the first of the month and we had money again ! My aunt is sweet but she has a bigger budget than we do and tends to forget , so Mom and I were both in our overdraft . : ( Any , you want to know what I was so excited about ? Its not jewelry , new clothes , a good bra ( Ha , inside joke ) . It was a stick vacuum and mop ! There is so much fur with the buns and without carpet , its just blowing all over the house ! The dust mop wasn 't working very well for that and it wouldn 't pick up the tiny pieces of paper left from Snowy 's shred sprees . I can 't use a regular vacuum on the laminate so I was in the market for a small stick vacuum . This is the one I settled on and so far its working pretty good ! I was shocked at how much fur it picked up . This is the Bissel 3 - in - 1 and I chose to get the cord model . I really don 't want to be re - charging it all the time ! I wanted a new mop too . The one my aunt bought me is huge but it has nothing in the middle under the cloth so I couldn 't really scrub . I chose this one that has microfiber covers you can wash . I am not really environmentally conscious but being able to wash it and not keep buying new ones really did appeal to me . I like this one because you can flip it over and you have another clean surface . It did really good going around all our furniture legs . This is the O ' Cedar flip microfiber mop or something very close to that name . LOL I am not getting paid to review these so I figure close will work . I had one other purchase that I was excited about . I know , I need a life . But I really was excited to get this stuff . I got my first set of " Tupperware " . Another inside joke , its actually Rubbermaid . Anyway , I haven 't ever had my own set of plastic food storage containers since I have been adult . For some reason , this purchase made it really feel like we were home . LOL I did buy some fun stuff too , just not at WalMart . I LOVE the sandals that are gladiator type with the zipper at the back . I am not sure why , I just do . I bought my first pair two years ago and they are getting a bit ragged since I wear them all the time . I found a new pair finally at JCPenny 's that are flat ( a requirement for me ! ) and didn 't have that thong thing in between your toes . When I saw they were only $ 10 , I snapped them up ! The clincher was a free shipping to the Penny 's store . That made my new sandals $ 10 . 77 with tax . Not bad since I paid $ 20 for the pair I wear now . I got our new Mary Maxim catalog in the mail a few days ago and they were having a good sale on their crochet / knit accessories . I haven 't bought a new bag for my crochet in about three years and I fell in love with these bags . I bought one of each for Mom and I . The little one is a matching crochet hook case . At $ 58 for all four , I don 't think they were a bad purchase either . And best yet , they are cute ! I love how they are Vera Bradley " inspired " . Like I really thought I would get a Vera Bradley bag for that price . LOL I 'll share my angel when she gets done and I have shared her with her mother . I think she should get first look . TJ is over at his cousin 's house again . I don 't say no because they are only here for the summer . But that does mean I will have two dogs in bed with me tonight ! The bunnies won 't be happy either since they are used to watching T play games or watch TV . He is really good about talking to them . Our washer and dryer still aren 't hooked up so it looks like I have one more laundromat trip coming . I have good news for us as well though . We finally got our first electrical bill and we have been really dreading it . Our highest electrical bill in our mobile was about $ 130 . We really can 't afford more than that and were terrified the house would be outrageous . Well , we were pleasantly surprised since our first house bill was about $ 145 . Its not the full month but its close and we are not so scared anymore . It looks like things will go up but not so much that we can 't afford to live and that 's a great thing . We really do feel like we are home here . Its funny , when we go to the mobile to get stuff , we feel like we are just visiting ! The boys told us we could come in and get our stuff whether they are home or not but it just doesn 't feel right . It might be our stuff and we might still have a key , but that won 't be happening . I heard from Tom this morning . He told me that he 's been manic for like the last month and finally got his meds straightened out again . He is sending TJ $ 70 today because he feels bad . Yeah , I kinda will believe it when it finally gets here . TJ isn 't even expecting anything at this point . You know what 's sad ? He isn 't even upset his Dad messed up , he expects it . Anyway , I guess this truly was a hodge podge of stuff and hopefully you all aren 't totally bored . LOL |
My new dog sits in the passenger seat with his snout out the window , his tongue lolling so hard that it occasionally smacks him in the jaw when I take a turn . Why don 't I put the window up , you ask . Well , that would mean I 'd have to smell the beast . I 'm not one to judge , because I 've met some unsavory characters before , and a few of them had odors I never ever want to encounter again . Not to mention that my own smell offends me on occasion when I leave the gym … But this dog , he takes the prize for most foul smell ever . It 's like sweaty ass . Sweaty ass that has been stuffed in a gym bag for days and forgotten . Then crapped on . That 's what this dog smells like . I pull up to the police station and grab the leash , holding tightly . When I left the pound with this thing , he pulled me all the way to the car , not stopping . He sensed freedom , and I was the portal . Or at least my truck was . He hopped up in the seat , I cracked the window , and he 's been riding happily for the past twenty minutes . Oh , no , you hateful bastard . You will not growl at me . I lift my lip too , and I stare at him . His eyes hold mine , not breaking away . We go on like this for about two minutes , and then he stops , shakes his head , and finally gets his big ass out of the truck . He lumbers onto the pavement , stopping to stretch his great big body . This thing is like a horse . They called it a Great Dane mix at the pound , but if it 's a mix of anything , it 's mixed with bear . Or bull . Or elephant . Because this sucker is huge . He stands at the same height as my hip , and I 'm a big guy , topping out at six foot four . She shakes her head , which is not an easy feat while she holds her shirt to her face . " He just left . You might be able to catch him at his car if you hurry . Like right now . " My new dog gets up , spins around , and the smell of him fills the whole front of the station . The rookie gags a little and points to the door . " Hurry , or he 'll be gone . " I click my tongue at my new dog and he trots out the door behind me . I see the chief by his squad car , talking on his cell phone . He puts it away and stares at me through the shiny lenses of his sunglasses . " What the hell is that ? " he asks , eyeing my dog . " That , my friend , is my therapy . Get a dog , you said . So , I got a dog . " I show him off like he 's a prize on The Price is Right . " So can I get off suspension now ? " " Three months , Jake . Three months . Not a day sooner . " He gets in his car and pulls out of his spot without even looking at me . But when he gets ready to pull away , he puts his window down . " Take that stupid thing home and give it a bath . It smells like shit . " " Sure you do , " he says , and he finally grins and shakes his head . " Get your head on straight , Jake . Then come back . We need you , but we need you at your best . " Over the tops of his lenses he gives me one of those fatherly looks he 's famous for . Then he pulls out of the parking area . He yawns and stares up at me . Then he sneezes and slings snot across my shoe . With a dog this big , that 's a lot of snot . I 'm not looking forward to when he takes a dump . My phone rings in my pocket and I pull it out , hoping deep inside that the chief is calling me to tell me he rethought his position on my return to work , that since I got a dog , he knows I 'm rehabilitated . That he wants me back at work . That they need me fiercely and the department can 't continue to prosper without me . " What has the old bastard done now ? " I ask . He 's probably chasing one too many women around the bingo hall . Or he 's finally managed to catch one of them . Usually , they just slap him and he moves on to the next one . My gut twists and the pulse in my right eye starts to pound . " Is he dead ? " I ask . My father might be a mean old codger , but I don 't want him to die . " Oh , no , " she rushes to say . " He 'll need therapy , but he 's alive . Right now he 's complaining about the lunch special . And he just threatened to stick a fork in my eye if I didn 't find some chocolate pudding . " I hear grumbling from the other end of the phone and the nurse grunts . " Jake , " I hear . It 's my dad , and his voice is gruff with sleep . In my head , I imagine him lying there attached to monitors with tubes sticking out of him . Pop is silent for a moment . Pop is never silent . He always has something to say , and it 's usually not anything nice . " What 's up with you ? " he finally asks . " Oh , no . " I tilt my head . The dog 's tongue is lying beside him on the sidewalk where he 's panting . " Definitely not yappy . Or little . " " Well , who else is going to come and spring me ? This is like jail , son . They won 't let me go home unless I have someone to stay with me . " He clears his throat and I can tell he doesn 't like asking . " It 's not like I need you to wipe my ass or anything . I just need you to pick me up . Stay for a few weeks . " " I 'll see you then . " There 's a shuffling of the phone and I can hear him talking to the nurse . " He 's on the way . Now get my chocolate pudding . " " Put down the fork , Mr . Jacobson , " she scolds . She should be glad he 's not grabbing her ass , because that 's what he usually does . The line goes dead as the call is ended . I look down at my dog . " Want to go on a road trip ? " I ask him . His tail starts to thump against the concrete , but he doesn 't lift his head . " Let 's go , dog . " My eyes are blurry when I finally get to the campground . Well , it 's not really a campground . It 's a bunch of cabins in a park near a lake . My family came here the summer I turned sixteen . It looks smaller than it did when I was a child , and a little more run - down , but to be honest , I 'd take just about anything over where I 've been . " Duh , " she says with all the ego of a sixteen - year - old ingrate . Normally , she would have her face stuffed in her cell phone but I didn 't let her bring it with her . I didn 't bring mine , either . I walk to the camp office , where there 's a metal box with a combination lock on it . That 's where the instructions said I would find the keys . I pull a piece of paper from my pocket where I 've written the lock numbers and I dial them in . The box opens and I see a set of keys . They 're small copper keys and I pick them up . The key ring has a naked centerfold on it . That 's just like Mr . Jacobson . He 'll never change . I remember Mr . Jacobson as a surly middle - aged man . He was never very nice , but he was interesting . You wanted to ask him things just so he would bark at you and threaten to beat you over the head with a boat oar , because when you turned your back , he 'd be halfway grinning and there was a chance you could catch it if you looked at just the right time . I see my children getting out of the car and I lay a hand on my pregnant belly . I 'm eight months along , and every move I make causes a counter move from the newbie , as Gabby likes to call him . Gabby is my oldest , and she tends to get stuck with the children when I 'm busy . Then there 's Alex . He 's nine . The youngest is Trixie , who is seven . We thought we were done after Alex . Then Trixie surprised us all , who got the nickname when Alex couldn 't say Tracy . Then life went to shit , and now I 'm here , trying to escape it all . The baby that 's still at residence in my belly gives a little kick . " I know , baby , " I say to him , " you 're not shit . Life is shit . Our circumstances are shit . But you , baby boy , you are loved . My coming back here proves it . " I heave a sigh and start toward my children , who are tumbling out of the car like jack - in - the - boxes . The two youngest live like they 're on coiled springs all the time . Gabby grabs Trixie 's hand as she slips it into hers and Gabby smiles down at her . Trixie is the quiet one , the one who has been most affected by my poor decisions . I pop the trunk and we start unloading the car . We brought baskets of clothes , but not much more . We were in a bit of a hurry . We brought what was in the washer and dryer , and the kids were able to grab two toys each . Nothing more . " Did you guys bring swimsuits ? " I ask . They all look at Gabby . " Yes ! " she cries . " I got swimsuits . One for each of them ! " She makes grabby fingers and starts to chase the little ones around . They squeal and run in circles , yelling while she growls and chases them . We stand outside looking at the tiny cabin where I used to spend every summer . I asked for cabin number 114 , and they said it was available . It looks just the same , but smaller . Or I 'm bigger . I 'm not sure which . " No one here is going to get mad at you , Trix , " I tell her . Then I dump my basket , too . I grin . " Oops ! Look what I did ! " My kids have had enough anger to last a lifetime . I don 't want them to have one more minute . Gabby dumps the basket she 's holding too , and Trixie finally starts to giggle . We sing a song as we clean it all up , and I stick the key in the lock of the cabin , giving it a gentle turn . The door creaks and dust falls down around us like snowflakes in beams of sunlight as we step inside . " It 's not a pit . It 's charming . " It has the same country - blue curtains it had when I was a girl , only now they 're a little worn by time . And dust . I cough and push open a window . " Let 's get these open and air the place out a little , " I say . The kids and I go around opening windows , letting in the summer lake breeze . It 's the middle of May , and the campground probably hasn 't been used yet this year . In fact , I was surprised that they let me have a cabin at this time of the year . " We can clean it up . No worries . " The tiny cabin has two bedrooms and a pullout couch . Calling them bedrooms is actually a stretch . They 're more like glorified closets with beds in them . Gabby will have her own room , and I 'll take the couch . And the two younger kids will share , since there are bunk beds in that room . " Let 's get some beds made up , and then we can go swimming . " The light patter of butterfly wings on my temple gets my attention . I open my eyes to find Alex staring down at me , his face touching mine , his eyes so close that his long dark lashes are sweeping my skin . " Can we go swimming now ? " he asks . I nod and hold out a hand so he can heave me to my feet . He pulls me up like a champ , and then they all run off to put on swimsuits . They come back moments later . " You 're not going to swim , Mom ? " Gabby asks . But her eyes hold a world full of knowledge , more than she should have ever had to deal with . She nods like she understands , but what she doesn 't understand is why my bad choices got us here , how I could have been so weak . How I messed it up so bad . " Let 's go , little kids , " she cries , barking like a drill sergeant . She got that from her dad . She also says " up and at ' em " and " get a move on , knuckleheads " just like her dad . The little ones line up behind her like ducklings , and then she starts to march . They follow her , walking with their knees lifting up high , their backs straight . " I 'm going to take them wading , " Gabby says . Lately she looks at me like I 'm going to break , and I hate it . She shouldn 't have to deal with all she 's faced the past year . My biggest fear is that she won 't trust me anymore . I flip the air off and lower the window . The dog comes forward in the backseat and puts his face beside mine so he can get closer to the window . His breath smells like a decaying body , so I open the back window , he sticks his whole upper body out , and his big ears slap him in the face . Before he left , they gave Pop a handful of prescriptions , so he sat in the truck with the dog while I had them filled . He 's been in a better mood . Maybe circa 1970 . If he wasn 't grumbling about something , he wouldn 't be Pop . But today … today , he 's working hard to annoy me . " I can manage , " he says . He ended up with no lasting effects from the stroke , except for some occasional one - sided weakness . They sent him home with a cane . It was a bad idea , because Pop will just try to hit people with it , I 'd wager . " What are you going to do with that dog ? " " You want me to get in that cold - ass water ? " I jerk my thumb toward the lake . " What if he doesn 't like water ? " " He 's a dog . Who cares what he likes ? " He shoots me a glare and I know I 'm not going to win this one . " Are you going to be a bundle of sunshine the whole time I 'm here ? " I ask as I get out and take the dog 's leash , letting him out the back door . He sticks close to my leg , glaring at Pop . Dad comes back to the door and throws out a bottle of shampoo and a towel . Then he slams the door shut . " Fine , old man ! " I bellow at him . " I 'll wash the damn dog ! " His tongue lolls out and he pants at me , but he doesn 't complain . Of course , that probably just means that he has no idea what I 'm talking about . What with him being a dog and all . I scratch my head . The girl turns to look at me over her shoulder . She looks just like Katie did eighteen years ago , with her long , narrow body , flat chest , and her long dark hair . How could that be ? " Oh , my God … Jake ? Is that really you ? " She tugs the Army hat she 's wearing down lower over her forehead , and I have to bend over to look her in the eye . Then she 's moving across the sand toward me , and she 's in my arms . Immediately it 's like eighteen years disappears . Poof . Seems just like yesterday when I said goodbye to her and then never saw her again . We were sixteen years old and I thought I would die . " God , she looks just like you , " I say . Gabby waves at me , her fingers slender and long , like a piano player . Just like Katie . " She 's got some of her dad in her too , " Katie says , looking at her daughter , her gaze tender . Two smaller kids run up and Gabby wraps her arms around them like she needs to keep them safe . From me ? Not hardly . " This is Alex , and this is Trixie . " " He 's at the house . Probably sitting there with his shotgun , waiting to blast me if I don 't wash the damn dog . I should have left his ass at the hospital . " She shakes her head . " No , he 's … not . " Her eyes avoid mine . What 's up with that ? " Did you say you picked your dad up at the hospital ? Is he all right ? " She snorts . " When was he ever ? " Then she laughs , and it sinks into the center of me . It 's pure and clean and so unlike where I 've been . It 's genuine . She 's genuine . I wince . " More like giving a bath . " I jerk my thumb toward the dog , who is sitting at attention by my hip . " He stinks . " The kid grins . I really should watch my mouth around the kids . I 've just never been around many of them , at least not since I was one . " I just got him yesterday . At the pound . " He came with a bunch of paperwork , so I know he has been vaccinated , dewormed , and he was temperament tested . But that 's the extent of my knowledge . Trixie walks over to the dog and looks him in the eye . They 're the same height . The dog looks over his shoulder at me as though asking me if this life is the one I intended for him . " Go on , " I say . Then he sticks out that big old tongue and slurps it up the side of Trixie 's face . She giggles , takes his leash , and leads him to the water . Alex holds out his hands and I toss him the bottle of shampoo , which he catches like a football . I don 't think he 'll bite them . Or at least I hope he doesn 't . The dog walks right into the lake and sits down . Then he waits patiently as the kids pour shampoo all over him and lather him up . He looks at me and I would swear he grins at me . She snorts again , and it makes me grin . " Try to stop them . " She gets quiet for a moment . Then she blurts out , " Do you remember the day we met ? " The first time I ever saw Katie Higgins , she was standing on the dock with a Coke bottle - the glass kind - pressed to her lips . I watched her throat wobble as she swallowed , and I knew I had to meet her . I had to kiss her . I had to … That 's what happens when you steal a six - pack from your dad at the age of sixteen . You act stupid , puke your guts out , and thoroughly embarrass yourself . I was about to run for the bushes to heave up my guts when my buddy patted me on the back . " Who 's that ? " he asked . " Today , I guess . Cabin 114 got rented for the summer at the last minute . " My parents owned a bunch of cabins on a lake , and we lived in our year - round house next door to it . The people who visited the campground referred to our house as " the big house . " From the end of May to the end of September , we catered to all sorts of people , from the rich to the poor , from those who slept in tents to those who drove in hundred thousand dollar luxury cars . Money never mattered when you were at the lake . The only thing that mattered was how much fun you could have , and I was having way too much fun . I bit it back . " No , I 'm good . " I shook my head , wishing like hell I hadn 't drunk that last beer . " I 'm going to go talk to her . " " If you say so . " Fred took a step back so I could walk past him . He chuckled and shook his head , lifting his beer - wrapped in a coozie so his parents wouldn 't catch him - to his lips . " Have at it , man . " I walked toward her and began to plan exactly what I 'd say . You 're the most beautiful girl I 've ever seen . No , that was lame . I could invite her for a walk . Or I could offer her a beer . Wait . No . I drank them all . Looking at you makes me feel happy . No , that was stupid . Do you want to take a walk with me ? I scratched my head . Did I try that one already ? I couldn 't remember . As I stepped closer to her and her group of friends , I stopped to look up at the stars in the night sky . They winked at me and I did the only thing I knew to do . I winked back . Only that wasn 't what happened with me . There was no one to tamp the dirt around my shoes to hold me solid and straight . I didn 't stand up straight at all . I went crooked . He nods , staring down at the pale white sand . Is he embarrassed ? " And I took you with me . " He kicks at a stone with the tip of his shoe , a grin tugging at his lips . " It wasn 't my most shining moment . " I drop my voice down so that it 'll sound like that of a man , imitating his father . " ' What the fuck are you doing in the lake , numbnuts ? ' " The giggles overtake me again . I wipe my eyes . " You called back , ' I was trying to get in her pants . ' " " Well , if I had a rack like that and nobody talked about them , I 'd be sad . Just trying to keep up the morale here , Katie . Doing my job as a citizen of this great country . " " That was next on my to - do list . " He gets quiet for a second . " Your daughter looks just like you . I thought she was you standing there when I first walked up . " I realize that I 've been talking about myself . " What did you do with yourself , Jake ? You said you don 't live in North Carolina anymore ? " The crunch of gravel sucks me out of my summer memories . They 're one of my favorite places to go when things go bad , which they have been for a while now . " Jake ! " someone bellows . " If it could wait a minute , I wouldn 't be coming to get you , would I ? " the old man grumbles . He looks around Jake and his eyes fall on me . " Well , I 'll be damned . " " Cabin 112 has a leaky roof , Jake , " Jake 's dad says . " I need you to fix it . " He points to a toolbox on the back of the golf cart . " Why ? " Mr . Jacobson barks . " You going to kiss her goodbye , or something ? I 've seen you do that before . " He motions for Jake to continue by rolling his finger . " Get on with it . You have work to do . " Mr . Jacobson grins . " Good . You can do it at Katie 's cabin . We 'll use her grill . " He revs the engine on the gas - powered golf cart . " The day isn 't going to get any longer , boy , " he says to Jake . " We 'll see you at six , " Mr . Jacobson calls out to me . " See you then , " I call back . Jake hops on the golf cart with Mr . Jacobson and they start to drive away . Then suddenly the cart screeches to a halt , with sand and gravel flying . I look at my reflection in the mirror . I worked on the roof all afternoon , then came back to Pop 's and took a shower . I had to go to the store to get the makings for dinner , and now I 'm trying to be sure I look nice . For what , I have no idea . " I can shake it as many times as I want ! " I yell back . I go out of the bathroom and find Pop waiting at the kitchen counter . " I wasn 't in there that long . " I grab a box and go to the fridge and take out all the dishes I prepared earlier . I made a salad , bought some bread and wrapped it in foil , wrapped sweet potatoes , and I have salad dressing , butter , and other condiments for the food . I got some hot dogs and buns , too , since I wasn 't sure if her kids would eat steak . I grab the steaks and put them in the box . " I feel like we 're doing meals on wheels . " " Pregnant , shmegnant , " he grumbles . " Best sex I ever had was when your mom was pregnant . She was hotter than a five - dollar pistol . " He gets a faraway look in his eye . " She would ride - " " Pop ! " I yell , trying to cut him off . " Stop it . I don 't want a play by play ! " I stuff my fingers in my ears and scream , " Lalalalalalalalalalalala ! " I don 't know why I came home . He 's going to make me kill him . Then he 'll be dead and I 'll be in jail . I walk up to the cabin . The door opens , and Katie 's oldest daughter holds a finger up to her lips . " Mom 's asleep , " she says . She steps to the side so I can look in , and I see Katie on the couch with her hand tucked under her chin . My heart clenches . She must have been really tired . " Don 't wake her , " I say . I 'd hate for her to miss a nap . Aren 't pregnant women supposed to need more sleep ? Katie 's doppelganger steps out onto the porch , closing the door behind her . " What did you bring ? " She leans over to look into the box . Suddenly a boom goes off behind me and Pop walks around the corner . His eyebrows are singed and his hair is standing straight up . " I think the grill starter is broken , " he says . " I had to light it the hard way . " " If you want to eat tonight , you better put the potatoes on , " Pop warns . Then he goes to sit on the porch , pulls a newspaper out of his back pocket , and flips it open . " You 're going to starve an old man to death if you don 't get moving . " " You know what , Pop , " I start to say , pointing my finger at him . But the door opens and Katie comes out . She rubs her eyes and my breath catches . " You 're right on time , " I say . Pop rolls his eyes behind her back . I 'm going to kill him . " Where 's my dog ? " I suddenly realize I haven 't seen him . " You won 't change it . " She stares into my eyes . " You asked my daughter to name him and she did . She 's been through a lot . Let her name the damn dog , Jake . " She marches back up the steps of the porch and slams the door . " Shut up , old man , " I grumble as I walk past him . He cackles at me and I flip him the bird . " Put the potatoes on , will you ? " He sets the newspaper down and barks at Gabby . " Let me show you how to cook potatoes , girl , " he says . He lumbers to his feet , rambles in the box until he finds the potatoes , and she walks around the corner with him . I open the front door of the small cabin and peer around the edge of it . Katie is bent over by the stove and I stop to stare at her . From the back , she doesn 't look pregnant . She looks perfectly wide in the hips and round in the rear end . God , I sound like Sandra Bullock describing a football player in The Blind Side . That 's not the case at all . She 's all woman . Then she stands up straight , turns to the side and stretches her back by pressing her belly forward . She 's all pregnant woman . I have to remind myself of that . " You made apple pie ? " My heart flutters like it used to when she kissed me all those years ago . I 'm thirty - four years old . It takes more to make a flutter when you 're older . Food is a good way . " Well , made is a strong word . I just reheated . " She points toward her daughter , who is on the porch with Pop . " I sent Gabby to the store . " She rolls her eyes . " No , I just have gas . " She grins . " Of course it was the baby . " She looks into my eyes , holding my palm against her shirt . " You don 't have any kids , do you , Jake ? " She shoves my shoulder and my hand falls from her belly . I want to put it back . " Wait , " I protest , " I was enjoying that . " She turns away from me . " Bring your uterus back . I want to touch it again . " " Or your boobs , " Gabby adds , and then she shrugs . She jerks her thumb toward the porch . " Mr . Jacobson wants a deck of cards . He says he 's going to teach me to play blackjack . " Katie crosses to the TV cabinet and opens it up . All the cabins are equipped with games and cards . She takes out a pack of cards and tosses it to Gabby . " Don 't bet with real money , " she says . I grin . " Good . He deserves it . " I scratch my head . " So , about me touching your uterus again … " I hold my hand out in question . She takes it , lifts her shirt , and lays my hand upon her skin . She grins . " Am not . " She goes to the couch and sits down , then pats the space beside her . " You were so cute . And so drunk . You fell right over the side , and I was afraid you wouldn 't come back up , so I jumped in to save you . " The first time I ever wanted to kiss Katie Higgins , she was shivering inside a threadbare towel that someone handed her when she climbed up the ladder of the dock . I remember it vividly , because it was the first time I 'd ever seen the shadow of a real live nipple on a real live girl . I 'd seen nude women in Pop 's magazines , or at least the ones he didn 't hide well enough , but I 'd never seen an actual boob before . Or even the shadow of one . Her breasts were barely there , no bigger than mosquito bites on her chest . But her nipples seemed impossibly awesome . I stared at her chest until Pop smacked me on the back of my head and told me to get her a fucking towel that would actually cover something . Embarrassment swamped me as I ran to one of the bins that held spare towels and pulled one out . I ran back , careful not to trip over my own two feet this time , and I held it out to her . By the time I got back , she 'd crossed her arms over her small , but still perfect , chest and she was shivering . " Thanks , " she murmured as she took the towel from me and tugged it around her shoulders . Her teeth chattered as she pulled it closed in front . " And there goes the magic , " Pop muttered . He turned to me . " Maybe now you 'll be able to think with the head that 's on your shoulders . " " You had better go home and get changed , " Pop said to Katie . He grumbled under his breath again . She didn 't seem phased by it , though , and she just laughed . Katie wasn 't repulsed by his language . She just laughed again . " Playing Scrabble , I think . Whatever they were doing included a bottle of wine . " " Why don 't you take Katie up to our house and get her something dry to wear ? " Pop said . He nodded toward the house . Katie turned around and I realized her skirt was sticking to her legs . And her pink panties were shining through the white fabric . My dad popped me on the back of my head again . " Find her something dry to wear , " he said . " But you stay out of the room while she 's changing . I 'm not ready to be a grandpa . " Katie followed me into the house , and I saw goose bumps erupt on her arms when she came into the cooler air . I motioned for her to follow me to my room . She followed , her tread light and wary . I tried not to be too light on my feet , but the thought of having a girl all alone in my room was doing funny things to my guts . I gave Katie a t - shirt and a pair of running shorts , and I pointed toward my bathroom . " I 'll just go in there . " I stepped into the bathroom and closed the door , leaning all my weight on it . " Holy shit , " I murmured . I looked in the mirror and ran my hands through my hair . Then I gargled with some mouthwash that was strong enough to steal my breath . Her sopping - wet clothes were piled up on my floor , and I could see the pink edge of her panties which she 'd tucked under her wet t - shirt . Panties she was obviously no longer wearing . The thought of Katie with her bare bottom touching my running shorts did funny things to my insides , and then those funny things shot straight to my dick . She nudged my knee with hers so I 'd scoot over , so I did , and she gingerly sat down next to me . And my mind went back to the thought of her not wearing panties under my shorts . Shit . I 'd never get rid of this boner with her here . I grin . " No finesse whatsoever . I just stabbed you with my tongue . And then I did it again . " I shrug . " I thought that 's how it went . " Suddenly , my dog runs around the corner , and he 's pulling Katie 's youngest child . She has a crease on her cheek and her face is rosy . She climbs up onto the couch and my dog puts a paw on her leg , like he 's making sure she 's still in place . Katie pulls her daughter into her lap . " Of course he can . " Katie brushes her daughter 's hair back from her face , her fingers tender . " You don 't mind , do you , Jake ? " I go out onto the porch , and see that Gabby and Pop are using rocks from the driveway as betting chips . Pop has a stack of five . Gabby has a big pile . " She 's kicking your ass , huh ? " I get the steaks and put them on the grill . A few minutes later , Pop walks up to me . He 's not wearing a hat . " Something is wrong , " he says quietly . " You 're delusional , old man , " I joke , but I suddenly realize how serious he is . He 's not kidding . His gut is telling him something is off . " Katie jumps at her own shadow . She hasn 't taken that cap off since we got here , and her kids flinch if you look at them wrong . Something is not right . " Alex runs into the house and dashes to his room . He comes back with a football , which was one of the two toys he chose to bring with him . The other one was a stuffed rabbit his dad won for him at the fair when he was four . He sleeps with it , but he would never admit that . Jeff spent about eighty bucks trying to win that bear , with Alex on his shoulders the whole time , cheering him on . He could have gone to a department store and purchased a bear cheaper , but he wanted that one . I take the pie out of the oven and set it on the counter to cool . The door opens and Jake walks in . " Do you have any tenderizer ? " he asks . I shake my head . " I don 't have anything , " I reply . I open a cabinet that Gabby filled earlier . " Unless you need baked crackers that look like fish or a juice pouch , you 're shit out of luck . " He chortles . " Dick … heart … It 's about the same thing when you 're a sixteen - year - old boy . " His eyes narrow . " You doing all right , Katie ? " he asks , his voice soft . I nod and avoid his eyes , which are skimming all over my face . I turn away and pretend to adjust the juice pouches in the refrigerator . " I 'm fine . Happy to be here . " " Some much needed rest and relaxation . " I grab a stack of paper plates and get a handful of knives and forks out of the silverware drawer . " Grab those paper towels , will you ? " " Pop thinks there 's something wrong with you . " His eyes skitter around my face , and I wish my arms weren 't so full so I could pull the brim of my cap down a little . " Tell me there 's nothing wrong with you , Katie , " he says , his words as soft as a whisper . I laugh , trying for a whimsical sound . But it sounds more like I 'm choking on my own regret . I pull the cap off and toss it onto the table . " Oh , that , " I say . " I ran into a cabinet door . " I set the plates down on the counter and fluff my hair with my fingertips . " It hurt like a mother - " " Did your husband hit you ? " he asks . " Tell me the truth , Katie , and I 'll never ask again . I just want to be sure you 're all right . " " My husband would never hurt me , " I growl . He would never , ever lay a hand on me . " You 're barking up the wrong tree , Jake . " " Yes . I hit my face on a door . " Technically , I 'm telling the truth . Maybe that 's why it 's easy to lie to him . " It was stupid . " She 's lying . I 'm certain of it . You know how I know ? She didn 't look me in the eye once when she was telling me about how she ran into the cabinet door . With her face . I walk out of the cabin , trying to contain the rage that has suddenly built up within me . I want to punch something , preferably her abusive husband . Despite her vehement opposition to my question , I know someone has hurt her . She flinched when I touched her elbow . She flinched when I moved too fast in the kitchen . I look over to the steps , where I see my dog lying with his head on Trixie 's lap . She has his paw in her hand and she 's painting his toenails a soft pink color . " I could have sworn that dog had a penis , " I say out loud . Trixie looks down between the dog 's legs . " He does have a penis , " she says quietly . She nods solemnly at me . She points to the appendage . " He has a penis right there . See ? " She stops painting long enough to wait for my response . Her delicate brow furrows . " Boys can like pink too . " Then she grins and swipes the tiny little paint brush down the dog 's toenail again . Sally 's head falls down in Trixie 's lap and he closes his eyes . He 's either decided to give up or he enjoys the attention . I can 't figure out which . Then I hear a snicker from behind me . I turn around and find Alex standing right behind me , tossing his football up in the air and catching it over and over . " You 're not supposed to be asking people about their private parts , " Alex chides . " The same age as your mother , " I tell him . Our birthdays are just days apart . Mine is June tenth and hers is June fifth . I used to tease her unmercifully about her being the older woman . I can still remember the day that I learned that Katie 's uncle and her dad weren 't really an uncle and a dad . I remember when I went home and told my dad about it , he looked at me , grinned , and said , " That 's when I know I 've raised a good man , when he learns something new and doesn 't judge . " Then he squeezed my shoulder and walked away . I walked Katie home that night after our first kiss . I felt like it was my duty . My honor . She twined her fingers with mine and led me to cabin 114 . She knocked on the door softly . " Just in case they 're playing Scrabble in the living room , " she whispered . The door opened and a man poked his head out . His eyes drifted down Katie 's body . " Why are you in someone else 's clothes ? " he asked . He opened the door wider and Katie slipped beneath his outstretched arm . " Jake ? " he asked . " As in the horny sixteen - year - old Jake that Old Man Jacobson warned us about ? " He tipped his head back a little so he could look down his very impressive nose at me . " Would you leave the boy alone ? " someone called from behind them both . He caught the door and opened it , then stepped up beside Katie 's dad . " He 's trembling in his flip flops , Dan . Let him inside . " " I 'm Eric Jacobson . Everyone calls me Jake . " I said . I held out my hand like my dad taught me to do . No cold fish handshakes allowed from a Jacobson . No sirree . " It 's nice to meet you . " " Jake , this is my dad . " She set her hands on his broad shoulders and peeped at me over his shoulder . Then she jerked her thumb toward the other guy . " And this is my Uncle Adam . " " So sorry Dan started out by looking for your dick . You can take the boy out of the junior high school , but you can 't take the junior high school out of the boy . " He shoved Dan 's shoulder . I saw that they had a Scrabble game set up on the table , but they hadn 't even set up any tiles . " Who won ? " I asked , nodding toward the game . " It 's not complicated at all , " Adam said as he started to ladle ice cream into bowls . " Doofus here had some sperm he wanted to give up . And my sister just happened to have some ovaries and a uterus for rent , not to mention an egg or two and some DNA that 's a lot like mine . So she volunteered to give us the eggs and let us lease the uterus . Then she shagged ass . " " Left isn 't really the right word . " Katie tried to explain . " She visits , and she takes me shopping , and I call her with girly questions . She 's more like a favorite aunt than a mother . " " We have to enlist her help occasionally . " Adam motioned from him to Dan and back . " We don 't know shit about tampons and stuff , since neither one of us has ever been near a vagina . " Katie sat down beside me and leaned over to whisper in my ear . " Are you sure you 're okay with it ? Some people aren 't . " Katie heaved a sigh . She began to nervously shake her legs , and her knee jumped so hard I was afraid she 'd vibrate the stool she was sitting on right out the door . I finished my ice cream while they all chit - chatted about the cold water we fell into , and Katie explained why she was wearing my clothes . Adam and Dan ribbed one another . They both grinned . " He caught us kissing when we were about your age , " said Adam . " We were taking a walk down by the shore . In the moonlight . " " We quickly found out that he said that to all the straight kids , too . " Adam laughed , then sobered . " I was really sorry to hear about your mom . " " You mean you 're going to kiss his face off , " Dan said . He glared at Katie . " No . " He pointed to the door . " Good night , Jake . " I walked all the way to the door without looking back . " Thank you for the ice cream , " I said as I slipped outside . Then quickly I poked my head back in again . " Can I come and visit Katie tomorrow ? " Then I ran all the way home to tell my dad about Katie 's oddly intriguing family . And he said I made him proud , although I couldn 't figure out why accepting someone 's sexuality was something to be proud of . It was kind of like him being proud of me if I said I liked blue eyes . " Yes sir , " I said , and I grinned all the way to my room . I took a condom out of the box and pressed it into my wallet . You know , just in case . After dinner , Pop announces that I am going to do the dishes , and then he goes back to the little table on the porch and picks up the deck of cards . He motions for Katie 's oldest daughter to join him . She grins , shaking her head as she goes . " I 'm going to get his wallet next , " she says . The soft sound of Katie 's voice reaches me in quiet lulls , and I think I hear her giggle . I shut off the water and tiptoe toward the bedroom door . I shouldn 't . I know I shouldn 't . But I can 't help it . " Yeah , I love you too . I 'll check in with you in a few days . I promise . " My heart jerks in my chest . Despite the size of her very pregnant belly and the three children she has with her , my heart still can 't rationalize the fact that Katie has a husband somewhere . I don 't know what that says about me . " How are they doing ? " I have such fond memories of them from my childhood . Nights when we played Sorry together or rainy afternoons spent shouting over a game of Monopoly are some of my best memories of all time . She laughs . " Well , until one of them pukes or throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store , I love it . And I can handle the temper tantrum better than the puke . My husband … " She stops and shakes her head . " My husband always handled the puke . It never bothered him . Since he 's not here , Alex is the official pukemaster . " She throws the drying towel into the sink . " I think I 'm going to put the kids to bed early and go to bed myself . The drive wore me out . " " You did all the cooking , and the cleaning , and you brought the food . I can 't think of a better evening . " She smiles at me . Then her smile slips away . " Stop trying to figure me out , Jake , " she says . " It 's simple . I 'm here , in my favorite place in the world . And you 're here too , which makes it extra special . That 's all there is to it . " Well , then . " I guess we should go . " On impulse , I lean down to kiss her on the cheek . She stiffens for a second , but then she falls against me , her arms sliding around my waist as she presses her cheek against my shoulder . I feel a little tap against my belly . " I think your uterus is kicking me , " I whisper . She laughs , but it 's a watery sound , and my heart twists . " That would be the baby in my uterus , Jake . Get your anatomy straight . " She steps back from me . " Thank you , " she says . " I didn 't know how much I needed a hug until I got one . " She takes a deep breath . " Pop , " I start to complain . But he 's already walking toward Katie . He kisses her on the forehead quickly and lingers to whisper close to her ear . She nods , and her eyes tear up . She blinks furiously . " She had better not , " he grumbles . " That 's the most fun I 've had in a long time . " He claps me on the shoulder . " And I got you another date . " In my head , I try to piece together all the parts of Katie , but they don 't fit . They don 't form a picture at all . Not one that I can make out , anyway . I walk from room to room , checking on my kids . It 's a habit from when they were small . I still stop in each doorway long enough to watch their backs rise and fall , or to see the covers flutter with the motions of their breaths . The regular motions of breathing can ease a troubled mother 's spirit like a balm to the soul . Alex is in the top bunk in the room he 's sharing with Trixie . He has one leg flung through the slats on the bed , and his toes wiggle in his sleep . I smile and draw the blanket down around his foot . Trixie is in the bottom bunk , and she 's lying against the wall , with her arm lifted above her head . Stretched out alongside her is Sally . He 's on top of the covers while she 's beneath them , and I stop to be sure they 're both all right . Sally lifts his head and looks at me , blinking his big brown eyes . Then he heaves a sigh and relaxes . It 's amusing and stupefying the way he has taken up with Trixie . She needed a protector . She needed someone to have her back . And it looks like this great big goofy dog has her back , her side , and he might even have her trust . I walk into the living room to find Gabby pulling out the couch bed . " You don 't have to do that , honey , " I say . " Go to bed . " This worries me more than anything . Gabby has become my protector , after all that has happened . It should be me taking care of her . But it 's not . It 's the reverse . She sits down on the foam mattress and crosses her legs , then shoves the pillow down into the hole between her knees , resting her elbows on it as she looks at me . " So … " she says with a grin . " You and Jake , huh ? " " A thing ? " I fluff the extra pillows and sit down next to her , leaning against the back of the couch with my legs in front of me . I lay my hand on my belly , because it makes me feel centered . " Define thing . " I point to my stomach . " I 'm really pregnant , Gabs . I can 't help it . " I wipe my eyes and try to get myself together . " Tell me about Jake , " she says , and she turns to lay her head in the little bit of lap I have left . My fingers immediately find their way into her hair . " Was he your first love ? " I shrug more to myself than to her . " I had to go home . He stayed here . That was all of it . We wrote letters for a little while , and then we stopped . I don 't remember why . " " Yes , I was . " That is one hundred percent true . I was meant to meet Jeff . I was meant to have three beautiful children with him . What came later … that was a tragedy . After a long while I slide out from beneath Gabby 's sleeping form and pull the covers over her , staring down at her long enough to watch her chest rise and fall twice . That 's enough . Twice . My paddle slices through the water with a dull slush , the soft whisper of the boat moving across the lake breaking the silence of the morning . The sun is barely over the horizon , but I shoved the canoe off anyway . I didn 't have much of a choice . Pop woke me up early and asked me to go and fix the mooring cleat on the floating dock that 's in the middle of the lake . I get out there , though , and there 's nothing wrong with it . Knowing Pop , he 'll probably tell me that there was a lesson in this little excursion . It is beautiful out here , though . The sun is coming up over the trees , casting shades of purple and grey on the calm lake which looks slick as glass . I have missed the calm mornings and gentle breezes . In the city , it 's all hustle and bustle of epic proportions . People rush to and fro , horns honk , and people shout , even in the early morning . Here the only shout is the fishing crane as it flies by . Or the duck that happily dunks its head over and over , bobbing like a cork , causing tiny ripples that fan out around it . Out of the corner of my eye , I see someone standing on the end of the dock . I shade my eyes with my hand , and realize it 's a young boy . Katie 's son , Alex ? He has something in his hand and he hauls his arm back and throws it toward the center of the lake . Then he turns and runs back down the dock , back toward their cabin . I paddle over , just because I 'm a nosy bastard , and I see an empty soda bottle floating on the water . I pull it toward me with the tip of my oar , then toss it into the bottom of the boat . I 'll have to give the kid a talk about throwing trash into the lake . But then I see a slash of white within the bottle . I pick it up and turn it over , and see the piece of paper within the empty container . I screw off the cap and pull the paper from the bottle . " Eat your eggs , " I say to Trixie . Getting her to eat anything healthy is like pulling teeth , and pretty much just as painful . She likes peanut butter and jelly and not much else . " I don 't like eggs . " She props her elbow on the table and rests the side of her face against the flat of her palm . While she blinks down at the food she doesn 't want , Sally slobbers a big puddle of drool right beside her chair . He licks his lips . Gabby slaps him gently on the arm . " Don 't talk with your mouth full . " She pours out some milk for Alex . " Juice for me , please . " I turn away to get some juice and turn back to find that Trixie 's plate is now completely empty . " I do like eggs after all , " she chirps . She holds out her palm , and Sally gives her his paw like he 's giving her a high five . " Because he 's Jake 's dog . " I sound like a whiny brat myself . I was up all night with an unborn kid sitting on my bladder . " But he likes me , " she says as she feeds him a bite of egg off my plate . I actually got the dog some dog food when I got up early this morning and went to the store , but the dog won 't touch it . And why should he when - I let out the breath I was holding and force myself to relax . Then I open the door and step to the side so Jake can come in as Gabby brings the kids back into the kitchen . She 's carrying Trixie , who suddenly won 't look up from where her head is pressed beneath Gabby 's chin . I turn off the burners on the stove . " Can you watch the kids for a minute ? " I ask Gabby . She waves a hand at me , dismissing me totally . Teenagers . " What do you need , Jake ? " I ask , as I step carefully down the porch steps . He turns and takes my hand as I waddle . " Is your dad all right ? " I can remember very well the second time I ever held hands with Jake Jacobson . He kissed me that night when we fell into the lake , but it was an awful kiss . It was all tongue and slobber and it really wasn 't anything I wanted to remember . I certainly wouldn 't be writing about it in my journal . We were at a camp cookout . Mr . Jacobson held them every Saturday night . He said it was an excuse to burn a hamburger , but really it was his attempt to bring all the people in the area together . The magic of being at the lake wasn 't in the solitude . It was in the community . It was in finding other kids your age , or getting to meet interesting adults , or the missionaries that came on Sundays to deliver the church messages . The magic was in the community . So every Saturday night , Mr . Jacobson would cook burgers on the grill and everyone else would bring a dish to share . My dad and Uncle Adam brought key lime pie that Uncle Adam made from scratch . It was so much better than the icebox pies that my dad bought . But you had to eat it quickly or it would melt . For that reason , we left it in our tiny freezer until it was time to eat dessert . Dad sent me back to the cabin to get it while he finished his burger . " Run and get the pie , " he said . " I think everyone is almost done . " He looked around . Uncle Adam was across the table from him , because when we were out in a crowd like this , they were my dad and my Uncle Adam , and not my two dads . It 's how it was back then . They had to be much more careful to conceal their love for one another than they are now . I ran back to the cabin and got the pie from the freezer , only stopping briefly to let the cold air cool my face . When I ran back to the picnic area , I stopped short . Jake was sitting with my dad and Uncle Adam . He looked back over his shoulder at me and smiled . " Hey , " he said . My belly did that fluttery thing that always happened when I was nervous . Times one hundred . Uncle Adam got up and moved to the other side of the picnic table , leaving a place next to Jake . " Hi , " I said to him . I set the pie on the table and sat down next to him . Dad dished out some pie and passed the rest of it down the table to the others waiting . " So , you were busy today , huh , Jake ? " Uncle Adam asked . Dad snickered . Uncle Adam elbowed him in the side . He jerked a thumb toward Dad . " He 's laughing because he had to do that very same thing once or twice when he was young . " He grinned . " I vaguely remember someone borrowing Old Man Jacobson 's canoe and flipping it over . His tackle box sank to the bottom of the lake . " " Old Man Jacobson turned ten shades of red , and then he went to my mom and told her what I did . She shoved me toward him and told him to do his worst . Five days of cleaning toilets and floors with a toothbrush . I never borrowed anything else . Ever . " Dad smiled about it though . " I learned my lesson , " he said . He leaned toward Jake like they were sharing secrets . " So , what did you do ? " he whispered dramatically , wrapping his hands around his mouth . " Ha ! " Dad cried . " I told you ! " He held out a hand and Uncle Adam slapped a five dollar bill in it . " Thank you very much , " he crowed as he shoved the bill into his back pocket . Dad and Uncle Adam 's eyes met and I saw something pass between them . It was either an " I like this kid " kind of look or an " I 'm not sure how to feel about this kid " kind of look . I couldn 't tell which . And that part made me nervous . " I 'm free now . " Jake smiled as he ate the last of his pie . " I was wondering if I might be able to take Katie for a walk with me ? " " Yes , sir , " he said . He got up and held a hand out to me . " Take a walk with me , Katie ? " He waited , holding his breath . I slipped my hand into his , and he gave it a squeeze , and that 's how I ended up holding hands with Jake Jacobson for the second time . And it was amazing . My gut is all a - whirl trying to figure out how to talk to Katie . I 'm a cop , for Christ 's sake . I 've interrogated men of all sorts . I should be able to talk to a woman . But for some reason , I 'm skittish as a newborn colt when it comes to her . She scrubs a hand down her face . " It 's probably a plea to God to bring Jeff home . " Her gaze finds mine . " Am I right ? " But with Katie , it 's like someone has drawn the shutters . You can 't see in the windows . You can 't get a hint of what 's going on inside . " The last time his dad left for a deployment , he told Alex that he could write a note , fold it into a paper airplane , and send it over the back fence . That way whatever he wanted to say to his father would get to him . " She heaves a sigh . " He 's still doing it , apparently . " She groans . " What good would that do me ? Or Alex for that matter ? " She lumbers to her feet , pressing her belly forward . " Thanks for letting me know he 's doing it here . I wasn 't aware . " " We don 't need for you to take care of us , Jake , " she says on a heavy breath . " I just need to be here . I need to stay here and not feel like someone is trying to jerk my soul out of me every time I take a breath . " She presses her fist against her chest . " I just need to breathe , Jake . That 's all I need . If you can 't let me breathe , then get the fuck off me and stay the hell away . I 'm not leaving . Please don 't make me miserable . " My gut wants me to follow her , to find out what 's really going on . But my head … my head is telling me to take it slow , to let it unravel . My heart … That bastard is telling me that this is exactly how I messed everything up back home . " Okay , okay , " I say calmly . I slowly lower the bowl on top of the unsuspecting mouse until I have it safe within the tiny dome . The mouse doesn 't seem to care . He nibbles his piece of cheese . She leans close to me , and the scent of her shampoo tickles my nose . She used to smell like Love 's Baby Soft . Now she smells like Love 's Baby Soft and comfort . She 's really , really pregnant , I have to remind myself . Because being this close is like shooting a lightning bolt straight to my middle . And lower . And that 's just wrong . Katie 's not available . Not by a long shot . " He 's cuter now that he 's in the bowl , " she says , calmer now . She 's still leaning against me though , with her hand on my arm . " Thank you , Jake . " " You 're welcome . " I have this irresistible urge to lean down and kiss her . " I really want to kiss you right now , " I whisper . She looks up at me for half a second . " I really want to be kissed , " she whispers back . Then she takes her hand off my arm and rubs a tiny circle over her belly . " But I 'm not quite ready for anything like that . " " Yeah , I do . " I hold out the bowl and envelope to one side . " I did catch the beast with the gnarly fangs that was out to do you great harm . Your kids too . I saved the day . " I shrug . " I think I earned it . " She leans close and pulls her dark bangs back from her forehead . I bend down and press my lips firmly to her soft skin , lingering a bit longer than I should , but I can 't help it . It 's Katie . " Do you want some eggs ? " she asks . Then we look over and realize that the whole time we 've been talking , Sally has been eating every bite from every plate , including every last egg on the serving platter . " Well , I can make some more . " Sally gets down from where his big body was leaning across the table . Katie laughs . It 's the great big belly laugh that I remember from when we were kids . When Katie laughed , the world stopped to listen . " She slept all night . No nightmares or crying . It 's been a long time since she 's done that . " Then she remembers I 'm still holding the mouse . " You want to get that thing out of my house , Jake ? " She nods toward the bowl . I go and take the mouse outside . Her kids help me by finding the perfect spot to set it free , but I don 't tell Katie that . Let her think her hero vanquished the monster . Then Katie makes more eggs , and I join them for the loudest , goofiest breakfast known to mankind . Jake , Mr . Jacobson , the kids and I settle into a sort of rhythm during the next two weeks . They show up for dinner , bringing all the food with them , and they cook it on our grill . Then Jake and I wash dishes after dinner and talk about nothing and everything while Gabby beats Mr . Jacobson at cards . Trixie puts bows in Sally 's fur , paints his nails , or brushes him until he gleams while all this is going on . Alex is the only one who 's left out . He 's still throwing bottles into the lake with notes to God in them . Jake brings them to me . He doesn 't say anything . He just passes them over and I take them . They all say the same thing . They 're beseeching God to send his dad back because he thinks we 're in trouble . And we are . The longer we 're here , the more I feel it . He 's going to come . He 's going to wreck the peace I 've built here . " Oh , yeah , " I respond , shrugging off his concern with a breezy wave . Over the past two weeks , Jake has stopped looking at me like I 'm a puzzle he has to figure out . He 's become my friend again . A friend who occasionally places lingering kisses on my forehead , or sits on the couch next to me with his hand on my belly , trying to get the baby to bop his palm . " I just want to do some Web searching . " " Are you kidding ? " he says on a laugh . " This is the most fun Pop has had in a long time . Don 't you dare make her give it back . " " It 's right . She deserves it . She should get a babysitting fee just for keeping the old man entertained . Since she 's started playing cards with him , I haven 't had to go to the bingo hall and get him out of bingo jail even once . " " He always was a pistol . " I place the last dish in the cabinet . " Are you sure you don 't mind if I go to use the Wi - Fi ? " He leans in to kiss me on the cheek too , but accidentally grazes the corner of my mouth . My heart begins to beat double time . " You should go , " he whispers , his cheek lingering close to mine . " I should go , " I say . But I don 't . I stand there next to him , breathing the same air as Jake , enjoying the moment . Suddenly , the door opens and we spring apart . " Hey , Jake , " Alex says , tossing the football up in the air and catching it . " Want to toss the football around ? " " Hell yeah , " Jake says , and he dries his hands on a towel . Then he opens his arms and Alex tosses him the ball . " Go ahead , Katie , " he tells me . " Take the golf cart . " There are hundreds of emails , mostly from him . The one person I don 't want to talk to is the only one who seems to want to communicate with me . The emails go from pleading and sweet to venom and loathing . They 're threatening , then apologetic , then loaded with curse words and swearing . He swears he will find me . He swears he will love me . He swears he will never stop looking . He swears he will be a better person . He swears he will change . He swears he will get help . I leave the computer open , because I still haven 't done the Web searches I wanted to do . I wanted to check the newspapers back home and see if there 's anything I need to be aware of . There 's always the tiny chance that he has done something stupid and he 's in prison again . That would be a blessing . But the agent assigned to my case would have gotten a message to me by now if that had happened . I wander down the hallway , trying to remember the way to the bathroom . I open the first door I come to and stop when I realize it 's Jake 's room . It hasn 't changed . His baseball trophies still line the shelf and he has pictures stuck to the corners of his dresser mirror . I step closer and see one of him and Fred when they were young . Fred came here every summer , from what Jake told me . They were pretty close , partners in crime . They got into more trouble than two people should be allowed to get into . The picture of Jeff with his bright red hair makes me smile . We had a lot of good times together , the three of us . But what makes me stop , heave in a breath , and clutch my heart , is the picture in the frame on the edge of his bedside table . It 's grown - up Jake . And a woman . He has his arm around her and she 's glowing . So is he . She has golden hair that hangs past her shoulders , and her face is radiant in the sunshine . She 's also very , very pregnant . " I have every right , " he says . I open my mouth to ream him a new one , but he holds up a finger and shushes me . " I have loved you since I was a kid , Katie . " He lays a hand upon his chest . " I still love you . " " Liar . There 's more . " I narrow my eyes and stare at him . " She 's why you 're here . She 's why you 're not working . Tell me everything , Jake . " She grins . " Am not . " She goes to the couch and sits down , then pats the space beside her . " You were so cute . And so drunk . You fell right over the side , and I was afraid you wouldn 't come back up , so I jumped in to save you . " The first time I ever kissed Katie Higgins , she was shivering inside a threadbare towel that someone handed her when she climbed up the ladder of the dock . I remember it vividly , because it was the first time I 'd ever seen the shadow of a real live nipple on a real live girl . I 'd seen nude women in Pop 's magazines , or at least the ones he didn 't hide well enough , but I 'd never seen an actual boob before . Or even the shadow of one . Her breasts were barely there , no bigger than mosquito bites on her chest . But her nipples seemed impossibly awesome . I stared at her chest until Pop smacked me on the back of my head and told me to get her a fucking towel that would actually cover something . Embarrassment swamped me as I ran to one of the bins that held spare towels and pulled one out . I ran back , careful not to trip over my own two feet this time , and I held it out to her . By the time I got back , she 'd crossed her arms over her small , but still perfect , chest and she was shivering . " Thanks , " she murmured as she took the towel from me and tugged it around her shoulders . Her teeth chattered as she pulled it closed in front . " And there goes the magic , " Pop muttered . He turned to me . " Maybe now you 'll be able to think with the head that 's on your shoulders . " " You had better go home and get changed , " Pop said to Katie . He grumbled under his breath again . She didn 't seem phased by it , though , and she just laughed . Katie wasn 't repulsed by his language . She just laughed again . " Playing Scrabble , I think . Whatever they were doing included a bottle of wine . " " Why don 't you take Katie up to our house and get her something dry to wear ? " Pop said . He nodded toward the house . Katie turned around and I realized her skirt was sticking to her legs . And her pink panties were shining through the white fabric . My dad popped me on the back of my head again . " Find her something dry to wear , " he said . " But you stay out of the room while she 's changing . I 'm not ready to be a grandpa . " Katie followed me into the house , and I saw goose bumps erupt on her arms when she came into the cooler air . I motioned for her to follow me to my room . She followed , her tread light and wary . I tried not to be too light on my feet , but the thought of having a girl all alone in my room was doing funny things to my guts . I gave Katie a t - shirt and a pair of running shorts , and I pointed toward my bathroom . " I 'll just go in there . " I stepped into the bathroom and closed the door , leaning all my weight on it . " Holy shit , " I murmured . I looked in the mirror and ran my hands through my hair . Then I gargled with some mouthwash that was strong enough to steal my breath . Her sopping - wet clothes were piled up on my floor , and I could see the pink edge of her panties which she 'd tucked under her wet t - shirt . Panties she was obviously no longer wearing . The thought of Katie with her bare bottom touching my running shorts did funny things to my insides , and then those funny things shot straight to my dick . She nudged my knee with hers so I 'd scoot over , so I did , and she gingerly sat down next to me . And my mind went back to the thought of her not wearing panties under my shorts . Shit . I 'd never get rid of this boner with her here . I grin . " No finesse whatsoever . I just stabbed you with my tongue . And then I did it again . " I shrug . " I thought that 's how it went . " Suddenly , my dog runs around the corner , and he 's pulling Katie 's youngest child . She has a crease on her cheek and her face is rosy . She climbs up onto the couch and my dog puts a paw on her leg , like he 's making sure she 's still in place . Katie pulls her daughter into her lap . " Of course he can . " Katie brushes her daughter 's hair back from her face , her fingers tender . " You don 't mind , do you , Jake ? " I go out onto the porch , and see that Gabby and Pop are using rocks from the driveway as betting chips . Pop has a stack of five . Gabby has a big pile . " She 's kicking your ass , huh ? " I get the steaks and put them on the grill . A few minutes later , Pop walks up to me . He 's not wearing a hat . " Something is wrong , " he says quietly . " You 're delusional , old man , " I joke , but I suddenly realize how serious he is . He 's not kidding . His gut is telling him something is off . " Katie jumps at her own shadow . She hasn 't taken that cap off since we got here , and her kids flinch if you look at them wrong . Something is not right . " Alex runs into the house and dashes to his room . He comes back with a football , which was one of the two toys he chose to bring with him . The other one was a stuffed rabbit his dad won for him at the fair when he was four . He sleeps with it , but he would never admit that . Jeff spent about eighty bucks trying to win that bear , with Alex on his shoulders the whole time , cheering him on . He could have gone to a department store and purchased a bear cheaper , but he wanted that one . I take the pie out of the oven and set it on the counter to cool . The door opens and Jake walks in . " Do you have any tenderizer ? " he asks . I shake my head . " I don 't have anything , " I reply . I open a cabinet that Gabby filled earlier . " Unless you need baked crackers that look like fish or a juice pouch , you 're shit out of luck . " He chortles . " Dick … heart … It 's about the same thing when you 're a sixteen - year - old boy . " His eyes narrow . " You doing all right , Katie ? " he asks , his voice soft . I nod and avoid his eyes , which are skimming all over my face . I turn away and pretend to adjust the juice pouches in the refrigerator . " I 'm fine . Happy to be here . " " Some much needed rest and relaxation . " I grab a stack of paper plates and get a handful of knives and forks out of the silverware drawer . " Grab those paper towels , will you ? " " Pop thinks there 's something wrong with you . " His eyes skitter around my face , and I wish my arms weren 't so full so I could pull the brim of my cap down a little . " Tell me there 's nothing wrong with you , Katie , " he says , his words as soft as a whisper . I laugh , trying for a whimsical sound . But it sounds more like I 'm choking on my own regret . I pull the cap off and toss it onto the table . " Oh , that , " I say . " I ran into a cabinet door . " I set the plates down on the counter and fluff my hair with my fingertips . " It hurt like a mother - " " Did your husband hit you ? " he asks . " Tell me the truth , Katie , and I 'll never ask again . I just want to be sure you 're all right . " " My husband would never hurt me , " I growl . He would never , ever lay a hand on me . " You 're barking up the wrong tree , Jake . " " Yes . I hit my face on a door . " Technically , I 'm telling the truth . Maybe that 's why it 's easy to lie to him . " It was stupid . " Katie Higgins was the first girl I ever loved . We spent one summer together at Lake Fisher when we were sixteen and then I never saw her again . My life is shit , my job is gone , and my dad had a stroke , so I find myself back at Lake Fisher once again . And so does Katie . Her last name isn 't Higgins anymore , because Katie is married with three kids and one more on the way , but when she shows up at Lake Fisher with her kids , danger trails her all the way there . I could do a lot of things . I could leave and go home . I could stay and deal with it . But what I want most of all is just to take care of Katie . If I concentrate on her , maybe I won 't have to face my own problems . Yeah , that 's it . Fix Katie . I haven 't seen Jake in eighteen years , but the moment I lay eyes on him , I feel safer than I have in a very long time . Memories swamp me every time I look out over the clear , cool water . A first kiss . A first boyfriend . A first love . That old spark is still there . I just can 't act on it , and neither can Jake . Our story started eighteen years ago , and then we both made lives with other people . Jake is willing to tell me about his , but I can 't share mine with him . Ever . We can be friends and spend another summer together , right ? Sure , we can . My new dog sits in the passenger seat with his snout out the window , his tongue lolling so hard that it occasionally smacks him in the jaw when I take a turn . Why don 't I put the window up , you ask . Well , that would mean I 'd have to smell the beast . I 'm not one to judge , because I 've met some unsavory characters before , and a few of them had odors I never ever want to encounter again . Not to mention that my own smell offends me on occasion when I leave the gym … But this dog , he takes the prize for most foul smell ever . It 's like sweaty ass . Sweaty ass that has been stuffed in a gym bag for days and forgotten . Then crapped on . That 's what this dog smells like . I pull up to the police station and grab the leash , holding tightly . When I left the pound with this thing , he pulled me all the way to the car , not stopping . He sensed freedom , and I was the portal . Or at least my truck was . He hopped up in the seat , I cracked the window , and he 's been riding happily for the past twenty minutes . Oh , no , you hateful bastard . You will not growl at me . I lift my lip too , and I stare at him . His eyes hold mine , not breaking away . We go on like this for about two minutes , and then he stops , shakes his head , and finally gets his big ass out of the truck . He lumbers onto the pavement , stopping to stretch his great big body . This thing is like a horse . They called it a Great Dane mix at the pound , but if it 's a mix of anything , it 's mixed with bear . Or bull . Or elephant . Because this sucker is huge . He stands at the same height as my hip , and I 'm a big guy , topping out at six foot four . She shakes her head , which is not an easy feat while she holds her shirt to her face . " He just left . You might be able to catch him at his car if you hurry . Like right now . " My new dog gets up , spins around , and the smell of him fills the whole front of the station . The rookie gags a little and points to the door . " Hurry , or he 'll be gone . " I click my tongue at my new dog and he trots out the door behind me . I see the chief by his squad car , talking on his cell phone . He puts it away and stares at me through the shiny lenses of his sunglasses . " What the hell is that ? " he asks , eyeing my dog . " That , my friend , is my therapy . Get a dog , you said . So , I got a dog . " I show him off like he 's a prize on The Price is Right . " So can I get off suspension now ? " " Three months , Jake . Three months . Not a day sooner . " He gets in his car and pulls out of his spot without even looking at me . But when he gets ready to pull away , he puts his window down . " Take that stupid thing home and give it a bath . It smells like shit . " " Sure you do , " he says , and he finally grins and shakes his head . " Get your head on straight , Jake . Then come back . We need you , but we need you at your best . " Over the tops of his lenses he gives me one of those fatherly looks he 's famous for . Then he pulls out of the parking area . He yawns and stares up at me . Then he sneezes and slings snot across my shoe . With a dog this big , that 's a lot of snot . I 'm not looking forward to when he takes a dump . My phone rings in my pocket and I pull it out , hoping deep inside that the chief is calling me to tell me he rethought his position on my return to work , that since I got a dog , he knows I 'm rehabilitated . That he wants me back at work . That they need me fiercely and the department can 't continue to prosper without me . " What has the old bastard done now ? " I ask . He 's probably chasing one too many women around the bingo hall . Or he 's finally managed to catch one of them . Usually , they just slap him and he moves on to the next one . My gut twists and the pulse in my right eye starts to pound . " Is he dead ? " I ask . My father might be a mean old codger , but I don 't want him to die . " Oh , no , " she rushes to say . " He 'll need therapy , but he 's alive . Right now he 's complaining about the lunch special . And he just threatened to stick a fork in my eye if I didn 't find some chocolate pudding . " I hear grumbling from the other end of the phone and the nurse grunts . " Jake , " I hear . It 's my dad , and his voice is gruff with sleep . In my head , I imagine him lying there attached to monitors with tubes sticking out of him . Dad is silent for a moment . Dad is never silent . He always has something to say , and it 's usually not anything nice . " What 's up with you ? " he finally asks . " Oh , no . " I tilt my head . The dog 's tongue is lying beside him on the sidewalk where he 's panting . " Definitely not yappy . Or little . " " Well , who else is going to come and spring me ? This is like jail , son . They won 't let me go home unless I have someone to stay with me . " He clears his throat and I can tell he doesn 't like asking . " It 's not like I need you to wipe my ass or anything . I just need you to pick me up . Stay for a few weeks . " " I 'll see you then . " There 's a shuffling of the phone and I can hear him talking to the nurse . " He 's on the way . Now get my chocolate pudding . " " Put down the fork , Mr . Jacobson , " she scolds . She should be glad he 's not grabbing her ass , because that 's what he usually does . The line goes dead as the call is ended . I look down at my dog . " Want to go on a road trip ? " I ask him . His tail starts to thump against the concrete , but he doesn 't lift his head . " Let 's go , dog . " My eyes are blurry when I finally get to the campground . Well , it 's not really a campground . It 's a bunch of cabins in a park near a lake . My family came here the summer I turned sixteen . It looks smaller than it did when I was a child , and a little more run - down , but to be honest , I 'd take just about anything over where I 've been . " Duh , " she says with all the ego of a sixteen - year - old ingrate . Normally , she would have her face stuffed in her cell phone but I didn 't let her bring it with her . I didn 't bring mine , either . I walk to the camp office , where there 's a metal box with a combination lock on it . That 's where the instructions said I would find the keys . I pull a piece of paper from my pocket where I 've written the lock numbers and I dial them in . The box opens and I see a set of keys . They 're small copper keys and I pick them up . The key ring has a naked centerfold on it . That 's just like Mr . Jacobson . He 'll never change . I remember Mr . Jacobson as a surly middle - aged man . He was never very nice , but he was interesting . You wanted to ask him things just so he would bark at you and threaten to beat you over the head with a boat oar , because when you turned your back , he 'd be halfway grinning and there was a chance you could catch it if you looked at just the right time . I see my children getting out of the car and I lay a hand on my pregnant belly . I 'm eight months along , and every move I make causes a counter move from the newbie , as Gabby likes to call him . Gabby is my oldest , and she tends to get stuck with the children when I 'm busy . Then there 's Alex . He 's nine . The youngest is Trixie , who is seven . We thought we were done after Alex . Then Trixie surprised us all , who got the nickname when Alex couldn 't say Tracy . Then life went to shit , and now I 'm here , trying to escape it all . The baby that 's still at residence in my belly gives a little kick . " I know , baby , " I say to him , " you 're not shit . Life is shit . Our circumstances are shit . But you , baby boy , you are loved . My coming back here proves it . " I heave a sigh and start toward my children , who are tumbling out of the car like jack - in - the - boxes . The two youngest live like they 're on coiled springs all the time . Gabby grabs Trixie 's hand as she slips it into hers and Gabby smiles down at her . Trixie is the quiet one , the one who has been most affected by my poor decisions . I pop the trunk and we start unloading the car . We brought baskets of clothes , but not much more . We were in a bit of a hurry . We brought what was in the washer and dryer , and the kids were able to grab two toys each . Nothing more . " Did you guys bring swimsuits ? " I ask . They all look at Gabby . " Yes ! " she cries . " I got swimsuits . One for each of them ! " She makes grabby fingers and starts to chase the little ones around . They squeal and run in circles , yelling while she growls and chases them . We stand outside looking at the tiny cabin where I used to spend every summer . I asked for cabin number 114 , and they said it was available . It looks just the same , but smaller . Or I 'm bigger . I 'm not sure which . " No one here is going to get mad at you , Trix , " I tell her . Then I dump my basket , too . I grin . " Oops ! Look what I did ! " My kids have had enough anger to last a lifetime . I don 't want them to have one more minute . Gabby dumps the basket she 's holding too , and Trixie finally starts to giggle . We sing a song as we clean it all up , and I stick the key in the lock of the cabin , giving it a gentle turn . The door creaks and dust falls down around us like snowflakes in beams of sunlight as we step inside . " It 's not a pit . It 's charming . " It has the same country - blue curtains it had when I was a girl , only now they 're a little worn by time . And dust . I cough and push open a window . " Let 's get these open and air the place out a little , " I say . The kids and I go around opening windows , letting in the summer lake breeze . It 's the middle of May , and the campground probably hasn 't been used yet this year . In fact , I was surprised that they let me have a cabin at this time of the year . " We can clean it up . No worries . " The tiny cabin has two bedrooms and a pullout couch . Calling them bedrooms is actually a stretch . They 're more like glorified closets with beds in them . Gabby will have her own room , and I 'll take the couch . And the two younger kids will share , since there are bunk beds in that room . " Let 's get some beds made up , and then we can go swimming . " The light patter of butterfly wings on my temple gets my attention . I open my eyes to find Alex staring down at me , his face touching mine , his eyes so close that his long dark lashes are sweeping my skin . " Can we go swimming now ? " he asks . I nod and hold out a hand so he can heave me to my feet . He pulls me up like a champ , and then they all run off to put on swimsuits . They come back moments later . " You 're not going to swim , Mom ? " Gabby asks . But her eyes hold a world full of knowledge , more than she should have ever had to deal with . She nods like she understands , but what she doesn 't understand is why my bad choices got us here , how I could have been so weak . How I messed it up so bad . " Let 's go , little kids , " she cries , barking like a drill sergeant . She got that from her dad . She also says " up and at ' em " and " get a move on , knuckleheads " just like her dad . The little ones line up behind her like ducklings , and then she starts to march . They follow her , walking with their knees lifting up high , their backs straight . " I 'm going to take them wading , " Gabby says . Lately she looks at me like I 'm going to break , and I hate it . She shouldn 't have to deal with all she 's faced the past year . My biggest fear is that she won 't trust me anymore . I flip the air off and lower the window . The dog comes forward in the backseat and puts his face beside mine so he can get closer to the window . His breath smells like a decaying body , so I open the back window , and he sticks his whole upper body out , and his big ears slap him in the face . Before he left , they gave Pop a handful of prescriptions , so he sat in the truck with the dog while I had them filled . He 's been in a better mood . Maybe circa 1970 . If he wasn 't grumbling about something , he wouldn 't be Pop . But today … today , he 's working hard to annoy me . " I can manage , " he says . He ended up with no lasting effects from the stroke , except for some occasional one - sided weakness . They sent him home with a cane . It was a bad idea , because Pop will just try to hit people with it , I 'd wager . " What are you going to do with that dog ? " " You want me to get in that cold - ass water ? " I jerk my thumb toward the lake . " What if he doesn 't like water ? " " He 's a dog . Who cares what he likes ? " He shoots me a glare and I know I 'm not going to win this one . " Are you going to be a bundle of sunshine the whole time I 'm here ? " I ask as I get out and take the dog 's leash , letting him out the back door . He sticks close to my leg , glaring at Pop . Dad comes back to the door and throws out a bottle of shampoo and a towel . Then he slams the door shut . " Fine , old man ! " I bellow at him . " I 'll wash the damn dog ! " His tongue lolls out and he pants at me , but he doesn 't complain . Of course , that probably just means that he has no idea what I 'm talking about . What with him being a dog and all . I scratch my head . The girl turns to look at me over her shoulder . She looks just like Katie did eighteen years ago , with her long , narrow body , flat chest , and her long dark hair . How could that be ? " Oh , my God … Jake ? Is that really you ? " She tugs the Army hat she 's wearing down lower over her forehead , and I have to bend over to look her in the eye . Then she 's moving across the sand toward me , and she 's in my arms . Immediately it 's like eighteen years disappears . Poof . Seems just like yesterday when I said goodbye to her and then never saw her again . We were sixteen years old and I thought I would die . " God , she looks just like you , " I say . Gabby waves at me , her fingers slender and long , like a piano player . Just like Katie . " She 's got some of her dad in her too , " Katie says , looking at her daughter , her gaze tender . Two smaller kids run up and Gabby wraps her arms around them like she needs to keep them safe . From me ? Not hardly . " This is Alex , and this is Trixie . " " He 's at the house . Probably sitting there with his shotgun , waiting to blast me if I don 't wash the damn dog . I should have left his ass at the hospital . " She shakes her head . " No , he 's … not . " Her eyes avoid mine . What 's up with that ? " Did you say you picked your dad up at the hospital ? Is he all right ? " She snorts . " When was he ever ? " Then she laughs , and it sinks into the center of me . It 's pure and clean and so unlike where I 've been . It 's genuine . She 's genuine . I wince . " More like giving a bath . " I jerk my thumb toward the dog , who is sitting at attention by my hip . " He stinks . " The kid grins . I really should watch my mouth around the kids . I 've just never been around many of them , at least not since I was one . Trixie walks over to the dog and looks him in the eye . They 're the same height . The dog looks over his shoulder at me as though asking me if this life is the one I intended for him . " Go on , " I say . Then he sticks out that big old tongue and slurps it up the side of Trixie 's face . She giggles , takes his leash , and leads him to the water . Alex holds out his hands and I toss him the bottle of shampoo , which he catches like a football . I don 't think he 'll bite them . Or at least I hope he doesn 't . The dog walks right into the lake and sits down . Then he waits patiently as the kids pour shampoo all over him and lather him up . He looks at me and I would swear he grins at me . She snorts again , and it makes me grin . " Try to stop them . " She gets quiet for a moment . Then she blurts out , " Do you remember the day we met ? " The first time I ever saw Katie Higgins , she was standing on the dock with a Coke bottle - the glass kind - pressed to her lips . I watched her throat wobble as she swallowed , and I knew I had to meet her . I had to kiss her . I had to … That 's what happens when you steal a six - pack from your dad at the age of sixteen . You act stupid , puke your guts out , and thoroughly embarrass yourself . I was about to run for the bushes to heave up my guts when my buddy patted me on the back . " Who 's that ? " he asked . " Today , I guess . Cabin 114 got rented for the summer at the last minute . " My parents owned a bunch of cabins on a lake , and we lived in our year - round house next door to it . From the end of May to the end of September , we catered to all sorts of people , from the rich to the poor , from those who slept in tents to those who drove in hundred thousand dollar luxury cars . Money never mattered when you were at the lake . The only thing that mattered was how much fun you could have , and I was having way too much fun . I bit it back . " No , I 'm good . " I shook my head , wishing like hell I hadn 't drunk that last beer . " I 'm going to go talk to her . " " If you say so . " Fred took a step back so I could walk past him . He chuckled and shook his head , lifting his beer - wrapped in a coozie so his parents wouldn 't catch him - to his lips . " Have at it , man . " I walked toward her and began to plan exactly what I 'd say . You 're the most beautiful girl I 've ever seen . No , that was lame . I could invite her for a walk . Or I could offer her a beer . Wait . No . I drank them all . Looking at you makes me feel happy . No , that was stupid . Do you want to take a walk with me ? I scratched my head . Did I try that one already ? I couldn 't remember . As I stepped closer to her and her group of friends , I stopped to look up at the stars in the night sky . They winked at me and I did the only thing I knew to do . I winked back . Only that wasn 't what happened with me . There was no one to tamp the dirt around my shoes to hold me solid and straight . I didn 't stand up straight at all . I went crooked . He nods , staring down at the pale white sand . Is he embarrassed ? " And I took you with me . " He kicks at a stone with the tip of his shoe , a grin tugging at his lips . " It wasn 't my most shining moment . " I drop my voice down so that it 'll sound like that of a man , imitating his father . " ' What the fuck are you doing in the lake , numbnuts ? ' " The giggles overtake me again . I wipe my eyes . " You called back , ' I was trying to get in her pants . ' " " Well , if I had a rack like that and nobody talked about them , I 'd be sad . Just trying to keep up the morale here , Katie . Doing my job as a citizen of this great country . " " That was next on my to - do list . " He gets quiet for a second . " Your daughter looks just like you . I thought she was you standing there when I first walked up . " I realize that I 've been talking about myself . " What did you do with yourself , Jake ? You said you don 't live in North Carolina anymore ? " The crunch of gravel sucks me out of my summer memories . They 're one of my favorite places to go when things go bad - which they have been for a while now . " Jake ! " someone bellows . " If it could wait a minute , I wouldn 't be coming to get you , would I ? " the old man grumbles . He looks around Jake and his eyes fall on me . " Well , I 'll be damned . " " Cabin 112 has a leaky roof , Jake , " Jake 's dad says . " I need you to fix it . " He points to a toolbox on the back of the golf cart . " Why ? " Mr . Jacobson barks . " You going to kiss her goodbye , or something ? I 've seen you do that before . " He motions for Jake to continue by rolling his finger . " Get on with it . You have work to do . " Mr . Jacobson grins . " Good . You can do it at Katie 's cabin . We 'll use her grill . " He revs the engine on the gas - powered golf cart . " The day isn 't going to get any longer , boy , " he says to Jake . " We 'll see you at six , " Mr . Jacobson calls out to me . " See you then , " I call back . Jake hops on the golf cart with Mr . Jacobson and they start to drive away . Then suddenly the cart screeches to a halt , with sand and gravel flying . I look at my reflection in the mirror . I worked on the roof all afternoon , then came back to Pop 's and took a shower . I had to go to the store to get the makings for dinner , and now I 'm trying to be sure I look nice . For what , I have no idea . " I can shake it as many times as I want ! " I yell back . I go out of the bathroom and find Pop waiting at the kitchen counter . " I wasn 't in there that long . " I grab a box and go to the fridge and take out all the dishes I prepared earlier . I made a salad , bought some bread and wrapped it in foil , wrapped sweet potatoes , and I have salad dressing , butter , and other condiments for the food . I got some hot dogs and buns , too , since I wasn 't sure if her kids would eat steak . I grab the steaks and put them in the box . " I feel like we 're doing meals on wheels . " " Pregnant , shmegnant , " he grumbles . " Best sex I ever had was when your mom was pregnant . She was hotter than a five - dollar pistol . " He gets a faraway look in his eye . " She would ride - " " Pop ! " I yell , trying to cut him off . " Stop it . I don 't want a play by play ! " I stuff my fingers in my ears and scream , " Lalalalalalalalalalalala ! " I don 't know why I came home . He 's going to make me kill him . Then he 'll be dead and I 'll be in jail . I walk up to the cabin . The door opens , and Katie 's oldest daughter holds a finger up to her lips . " Mom 's asleep , " she says . She steps to the side so I can look in , and I see Katie on the couch with her hand tucked under her chin . My heart clenches . She must have been really tired . " Don 't wake her , " I say . I 'd hate for her to miss a nap . Aren 't pregnant women supposed to need more sleep ? Katie 's doppelganger steps out onto the porch , closing the door behind her . " What did you bring ? " She leans over to look into the box . Suddenly a boom goes off behind me and Pop walks around the corner . His eyebrows are singed and his hair is standing straight up . " I think the grill starter is broken , " he says . " I had to light it the hard way . " " If you want to eat tonight , you better put the potatoes on , " Pop warns . Then he goes to sit on the porch , pulls a newspaper out of his back pocket , and flips it open . " You 're going to starve an old man to death if you don 't get moving . " " You know what , Pop , " I start to say , pointing my finger at him . But the door opens and Katie comes out . She rubs her eyes and my breath catches . " You 're right on time , " I say . Pop rolls his eyes behind her back . I 'm going to kill him . " Where 's my dog ? " I suddenly realize I haven 't seen him . " You won 't change it . " She stares into my eyes . " You asked my daughter to name him and she did . She 's been through a lot . Let her name the damn dog , Jake . " She marches back up the steps of the porch and slams the door . " Shut up , old man , " I grumble as I walk past him . He cackles at me and I flip him the bird . " Put the potatoes on , will you ? " He sets the newspaper down and barks at Gabby . " Let me show you how to cook potatoes , girl , " he says . He lumbers to his feet , rambles in the box until he finds the potatoes , and she walks around the corner with him . I open the front door of the small cabin and peer around the edge of it . Katie is bent over by the stove and I stop to stare at her . From the back , she doesn 't look pregnant . She looks perfectly wide in the hips and round in the rear end . God , I sound like Sandra Bullock describing a football player in The Blind Side . That 's not the case at all . She 's all woman . Then she stands up straight , turns to the side and stretches her back by pressing her belly forward . She 's all pregnant woman . I have to remind myself of that . " You made apple pie ? " My heart flutters like it used to when she kissed me all those years ago . I 'm thirty - six years old . It takes more to make a flutter when you 're older . Food is a good way . " Well , made is a strong word . I just reheated . " She points toward her daughter , who is on the porch with Pop . " I sent Gabby to the store . " She rolls her eyes . " No , I just have gas . " She grins . " Of course it was the baby . " She looks into my eyes , holding my palm against her shirt . " You don 't have any kids , do you , Jake ? " She shoves my shoulder and my hand falls from her belly . I want to put it back . " Wait , " I protest , " I was enjoying that . " She turns away from me . " Bring your uterus back . I want to touch it again . " " Or your boobs , " Gabby adds , and then she shrugs . She jerks her thumb toward the porch . " Mr . Jacobson wants a deck of cards . He says he 's going to teach me to play blackjack . " Katie crosses to the TV cabinet and opens it up . All the cabins are equipped with games and cards . She takes out a pack of cards and tosses it to Gabby . " Don 't bet with real money , " she says . I grin . " Good . He deserves it . " I scratch my head . " So , about me touching your uterus again … " I hold my hand out in question . She takes it , lifts her shirt , and lays my hand upon her skin . I push through the doors of the tattoo shop and step inside . The air around me settles , the noises from the street stopping like someone just sealed me into a casket . I used to love this place . I used to visit Matt here . I 'd stop by and surprise him with lunch . I 'd drop by unexpectedly and he would smile at me . But no one is smiling at me now . I force myself to breathe . In . Out . In . Out . Heels click as someone walks toward me . " What the fuck are you doing here ? " Friday Reed asks . She 's decked out as usual in high heels , and she 's wearing a tiny black tutu and fishnet stockings . The outfit is completed with a pink tank top that has been bedazzled with the words " I 'm a Reed . " " Is Matt here ? " I ask quietly , rubbing my hands up and down my upper arms in an effort to comfort myself . But there 's no comfort here . There 's only regret . Regret and wishes for a life unfulfilled . A life that was never meant to be . How about none of your fucking business , I want to scream at her . But the last time I dared to go up against Friday , she left me with a bald spot the size of my fist and a whole bunch of regret . " That 's between me and Matt . " A waft of wind and street noises filters into the shop , and Friday looks up . I do too . My heart stops when Matthew Reed walks into the building . He stops short , the bell over the door tinkles as it shuts , and my tomb grows even tighter around me . " April , " Matt says . He stares hard at me , but there 's none of the animosity I expected to see in his eyes . There 's only a question . He wants to know why I 'm here . " Are you all right ? " he asks . Even now , Matt cares about me . His feelings for me didn 't just die , and that hurts me as much as anything I ever did to him . " I 'm okay , Matt , " I say . Matt walks quickly to her and covers her mouth with his hand , holding it tight as she mumbles against it . " I 'll put you in a head lock if I have to , " Matt warns her quietly . He never did get loud . He has always been quiet . Quiet and powerful . " You know I love you , Friday , " Matt says . He kisses her forehead quickly , and she mutters something under her breath that makes him laugh . " But this is between me and April , okay ? " He bends down a little so he can look into her flashing eyes . She points a finger in his face . " You call me if you need me . " She looks up and down my body . " I can take her . " She flips me the bird and goes to the back of the shop . I look at the pictures on the wall . They 're pictures of all the Reed men and their families . I see one with Matt standing with his kids , his arms wrapped around a blonde , and he 's smiling . He looks so happy . " You had another baby , " I suddenly blurt out . He comes to stand beside me and looks at the picture . " Yes . Gracie . She 's the newest . " He grins , and happiness settles inside me , wrapping me up like sunshine on a warm summer day . I lay my palm on his forearm and squeeze . He flinches , lifts my hand , and lets it go . Then he takes a step back from me . " Say what you came here to say , April . " " I 'm sorry , Matt , " I rush to say . My words tumble over one another . " I 'm so fucking sorry . " I can 't say it fast enough or mean it more . " I really fucked everything up and I 'm sorry I left you when you needed me most . If I had it to do all over again , I would have chosen differently . I 'm sorry , Matt . " He points to the picture on the wall . " Do you see her ? " Matt asks . His face softens and his eyes get all dreamy , and I suddenly and irrevocably know that someone else took my place in his heart . And more . She 's more to him than I ever was . " That 's my wife , Sky . She 's my everything . " He shakes his head , like he 's trying to drag himself from a drunken stupor . " I have no doubt that you and I could have been happy , April , if what happened between us had never happened , if you had never cheated . But my life with Sky … it 's all I ever wanted . It 's so much more than what we had . " " That 's just it , April , " he says softly . " I don 't want to hurt you . I never did . I just wanted to love you . Then I met her and I knew what real love was . I didn 't know until then . " He stares hard at me . " Why are you here ? " " I can 't absolve you . Only you can do that . But I forgive you . I forgave you a long time ago . Life works out the way it 's supposed to . " He bends a little so he can look into my eyes . " Are you all right ? " he asks . " Has something happened ? " He startles . " Oh . Well , that 's good . " He smiles and I see only happiness within him for me . No hatred . No animosity . Of course , this is Matt . He is goodness and light and all things wonderful . He nods . " I did for a while . I won 't lie . " He scrubs a hand across his mouth like he 's wiping away a smile . Then he grows serious . " I don 't hate you anymore . " " Wait , " Matt calls . I turn back . " We have a woman here today who 's auditioning to be an artist on the show . Her skin cancelled . She could do you . " He looks toward a woman who is in her early fifties . Her hair is teased up high and she has about five shades of dye in it . But she 's gorgeous , with ink all over her . Matt winces . " The only thing is … all of the tattoo jobs are going to be televised . Your story would be public if you let her do it . " He introduces me to Karla , has me sign some release paperwork , and I follow her to the back of the shop . I turn back at the last minute . " Will you still be here when we get done ? " I ask Matt . I follow Karla and a cameraman into a small room and she closes the door behind us . " How much of that did you hear ? " I ask her . The cameraman is already filming , the camera hoisted over his shoulder as he focuses on me . She grins . " All of it . " She jerks a thumb toward the cameraman . " He got it all too . You can say what you want him to use and what you don 't . " " Because that 's how it works , honey . If he 'll cheat with you , he 'll cheat on you . Law of physics . Or mathematics . Or the universe . " She grins . " Start at the beginning . Tell me about your new love . " Tammy Falkner : Always , April - You probably love to hate her . She 's the woman who broke Matt 's heart and inspired that awesome letter in MMM . But whatever happened to her ? Find out about the crazy dream that made her ditch her unfaithful husband in Scotland , and let 's give her some closure , shall we ? ( Matt has a pretty big cameo in this one ! ) Lexi Eddings - Coldwater Blues - Michael Evans is the poster boy for trouble on two legs . After losing the one person who ever believed he 'd amount to anything , he hitches his way across country to the Big Apple , convinced he can outrun the mistakes that forced him to leave his hometown . But as his dear Gran always said , " Wherever you go , Mike , there you are … " Diane Franks : The Test of Time - He 's not the man he used to be . She 's desperate to find a way to bring him back to her . She needs a tattoo to help her remember . She needs a tattoo so he won 't forget . Sometimes stories come out of nowhere . This one certainly did . I originally planned to write something else for the Forget Me Not fundraiser for Alzheimer 's . But then April 's trip to Scotland startled to tickle at my brain , and I started to wonder whatever happened to her . So , my contribution to the anthology is : Always April - You probably love to hate her . She 's the woman who broke Matt 's heart and inspired that awesome letter in MMM . But whatever happened to her ? Find out about the crazy dream that made her ditch her unfaithful husband in Scotland , and let 's give her some closure , shall we ? ( Matt has a pretty big cameo in this one ! ) Tammy Falkner : Always , April - You probably love to hate her . She 's the woman who broke Matt 's heart and inspired that awesome letter in MMM . But whatever happened to her ? Find out about the crazy dream that made her ditch her unfaithful husband in Scotland , and let 's give her some closure , shall we ? ( Matt has a pretty big cameo in this one ! ) Lexi Eddings - Coldwater Blues - Michael Evans is the poster boy for trouble on two legs . After losing the one person who ever believed he 'd amount to anything , he hitches his way across country to the Big Apple , convinced he can outrun the mistakes that forced him to leave his hometown . But as his dear Gran always said , " Wherever you go , Mike , there you are … " Diane Franks : The Test of Time - He 's not the man he used to be . She 's desperate to find a way to bring him back to her . She needs a tattoo to help her remember . She needs a tattoo so he won 't forget . I look down at my phone . My recent ex - girlfriend Samantha - as recently as two weeks ago , in fact - has texted me yet again with a list of vile places she 'd love for me to shove certain parts of my anatomy . I see a new one come in and raise my brows . That one actually sounds interesting . But it would be more fun for me than for her . I shove my phone into my pocket , despite the fact that it 's still vibrating like crazy . The lights at the back of the tattoo shop flash , letting me know the front door opened . There 's a bell over the door for people who can hear , but the Reeds , the people who own the shop where I work as a tattoo artist , installed flashing lights for me . I pull the curtain and walk out into the shop area . My mind is on Samantha , though , so I 'm not paying attention . A whiff of subtle , mouthwatering lilac perfume hits me - right before a woman does . She looks up , startled when I catch her by the shoulders to steady her . Damn , she 's pretty . She has long dark hair that tumbles in a curly , wild mess over her shoulders . And she has brown eyes that look like they might hold a world of hurt . Or fear . I 'm not sure which . Maybe both . I lift my brows to ask her without words if she 's okay . She nods , and takes in a deep breath . She 's standing so close to me that I can feel her boobs lift ever so slightly with each breath . I look down at her . Hell , she has an awesome rack . I can 't help but notice . Her face flushes when she catches me ogling , and her cheeks grow rosy . I bite my lips together to keep from grinning . Busted . Paul and Friday , the owners of the tattoo shop , walk out of the back room and Friday is still hooking her garter belt to the top of her stockings . Then she looks up and grins . Somebody just got lucky in the back room . Paul palms her ass and she points a finger at him in warning . " Look who 's here ! " Friday signs dramatically while she talks . I love that all the Reeds can sign , and that they do it whenever I 'm in the room . Being a deaf guy in a hearing world is a challenge , but they make it so much better here . They sign English , which means they sign in the same word order a hearing person would speak , rather than American Sign Language , my first language . But it 's better than trying to read lips , which - despite the way it 's depicted on TV - is nearly impossible . " What can we do for you ? " Friday asks them . That 's when I notice that two customers had come into the shop . The one who bumped into me looks down at her feet and says something I can 't make out . Then she whispers into Friday 's ear , and Friday scowls a little . Sweat sheens on the forehead of the girl they called Lark , and she says something to Friday . Has she changed her mind about a tattoo ? She looks like she 's thinking of leaving . " How the fuck am I supposed to know ? " she asks me . She points at Lark . " Ask her ! " Friday shoots me a death glare . I 'd be quivering in my boots if I had never been the victim of her temper before . I have been here for two weeks already , and she let me know who 's in charge on Day One . I had made a mental note to myself right then and there : Never piss off Friday Reed . I throw up my hands , though . How the fuck am I supposed to talk to Lark ? I don 't speak . And she probably doesn 't sign . Friday grabs my hands and holds them at a ready position in front of me . Then she points to Lark . " Talk to her . She might even talk back . " Great . She can probably fingerspell . Finding out what she wants will be like pulling water from a rock . But I motion for her to follow me toward the back of the shop and I pull the dark curtain around us . I motion for her to sit down in a chair . She perches her bottom on the edge of the seat and folds her fingers in her lap . That 's when I realize that she 's wearing elbow - length gloves with the fingers cut out . What does she have to hide ? " You 're here for a tattoo ? " I ask her . I make sure to move my mouth with my words , so she has a chance of understanding me . I reach for the top edge of her glove , but she pulls back . Her pulse starts to beat solidly in her neck . I can see it jumping . " May I see ? " I ask . I wait for her to give me permission to look . I look at bodies all day , and I touch every single one , but I 've never touched anyone who first didn 't want me to touch her . She shakes her head . " Just tell me if you can cover scars , first , okay ? " she signs . Her signs are a little slow , but accurate , and I can tell she 's translating in her head . " I won 't know until I see them . " Some scars can be covered . It depends on the extent of the damage . " Scars that are puckered and bumpy are more difficult , and require more sittings for the tattoos so the ink can be applied heavily . " She sits stiff as a board and she takes in a breath as I roll the glove past her elbow . When I get halfway down her forearm , her eyes fly open and she stops me , grabbing frantically for my hand , and I know immediately that I have gone too far . I sit back and raise my hands like I 'm surrendering to the cops . She forces her body to relax . She looks down at her arms and traces a finger around one of the circular patches of skin . " It was my parents ' anniversary and I wanted to make them a funnel cake , so I heated up some oil in a big pot on the stove . They were still asleep , and I had it all set up . But suddenly the grease started popping . It burned my arms and made these marks . " Her burns are more like discolored spots . They 're not puckered or terribly scarred , and they should be easy to cover over . " I can do it . " The curtain starts to shimmy , and I recognize Friday 's way of knocking . She jerks on the curtain until she gets my attention . I pull the curtain back to let her in , and she closes it behind her . " Just wanted to be sure you 're okay , " she says . She looks at Lark and then at me . And I see that Lark 's face is wet because a tear has rolled down her cheek . " What the fuck did you do to her ? " Friday asks , gesturing wildly . " Stop , " Lark says . " He didn 't do anything . He was very nice . It 's just not easy to talk about . " She sniffles . " The burns on my legs and stomach are much worse , but I can cover those easily with clothes . " She stands up and lifts the edge of her shirt . Friday covers her mouth and I suppose she 's hiding a gasp . But Lark must hear it because she drops her shirt really quickly . " The fire spread to the curtains over the kitchen window , and then to the rest of the house . I ran upstairs to wake my parents , but by the time I got there , the fire was too far out of control . My clothes had caught on fire , and my dad put the flames out . Then he lowered me from a second - story window and went back for my mother . I never saw them again . " Lark doesn 't look like she wants sympathy . She wants a tattoo . I motion for Friday to leave us , and she does . I didn 't think she 'd go away that easily . She points to the two largest burns on her left arm . " I was thinking we could cover these two big ones with some seagulls , and maybe a beach scene . " She quirks her brow at me . I nod . " We could . I could do those today , and then go back and draw the rest of it for you for next time . What do you think ? " She smiles at me , and damn if my heart doesn 't skip a beat . I point to her folded glove , which is now resting just over her wrist . " Can you take that off ? " " Okay . Let me doodle up some birds for you . " I get her a bottle of water and go to the light table on the other side of the curtain . She snorts . I can tell because her nose flexes and her throat twitches . She stares at me for a minute . " She 's not your type , is she ? " I nod . I already have ideas for it . But I need to get to know a little more abut her before I know exactly what to put on her . She 's not my type because she can hear . So Friday doesn 't have to worry about me trying to get in her pants . Although her pants are pretty fucking awesome . Yep . It 's raining . How did I find out ? This one ran in the dog door and jumped right in my lap ! Do your pets . . . fb . me / 40C6XDkQy 3 weeks ago |
' There are people who are strangely constituted . There are criminals who 'll work like beavers to contrive schemes that land them in prison and they no sooner get out than they start all over again and again land in prison . If they put as much industry , as much cleverness , resource , and patience into honest practices they could make a handsome living and occupy important positions . But they 're just made that way . They like crime . ' ' No , I 'm not . What I 'm trying to tell you is that there are men who are possessed by an urge so strong to do some particular thing that they can 't help themselves , they 've got to do it . They 're prepared to sacrifice everything to satisfy their yearning . ' ' Perhaps he is . Perhaps it will be sufficient satisfaction merely to know , as it 's a sufficient satisfaction to an artist to produce a work of art . And perhaps it 's only a step towards something further . ' ' I talked to him about that in Chicago . A degree would be of no use to him . I have an inkling that he had a definite idea of what he wanted and felt he couldn 't get it at a university . You know , in learning there 's the lone wolf as well as the wolf who runs in the pack . I think Larry is one of those persons who can go no other way than their own . ' ' What I can 't make out is why he should have turned out like this . Before the war he was just like everybody else . You wouldn 't think it , but he plays a very good game of tennis and he 's quite a decent golfer . He used to do all the things the rest of us did . He was a perfectly normal boy and there was no reason to suppose he wouldn 't become a perfectly normal man . After all you 're a novelist , you ought to be able to explain it . ' ' No , not exactly unhappy . When Larry isn 't there I 'm all right ; it 's when I 'm with him that I feel so weak . Now it 's just a sort of ache , like the stiffness you get after a long ride when you haven 't been on a horse for months ; it 's not pain , it 's not at all unbearable , but you 're conscious of it . I shall get over it all right . I hate the idea of Larry making such a mess of his life . ' ' God ! ' she cried . But it was an exclamation of incredulous surprise . Our use of the same word , but in such a different sense , had a comic effect , so that we were obliged to laugh . But Isabel immediately grew serious again and I felt in her whole attitude something like fear . ' What on earth makes you think that ? ' ' I 'm only guessing . But you asked me to tell you what I thought as a novelist . Unfortunately you don 't know what experience he had in the war that so profoundly moved him . I think it was some sudden shock for which he was unprepared . I suggest to you that whatever it was that happened to Larry filled him with a sense of the transiency of life , and an anguish to be sure that there was a compensation for the sin and sorrow of the world . ' ' Isn 't all that awfully morbid ? One has to take the world as it comes . If we 're here , it 's surely to make the most of life . ' ' Why d ' you say that ? ' she asked , frowning a little . ' All the time you seem to be making some sort of mental reservation . Of course I know that I 'm not playing the star part in this . Larry 's got that . He 's the idealist , he 's the dreamer of a beautiful dream , and even if the dream doesn 't come true , it 's rather thrilling to have dreamt it . I 'm cast for the hard , mercenary , practical part . Common sense is never very sympathetic , is it ? But what you forget is that it 's I who 'd have to pay . Larry would sweep along , trailing clouds of glory , and all there 'd be left for me would be to tag along and make both ends meet . I want to live . ' ' I don 't forget that at all . Years ago , when I was young , 1 knew a man who was a doctor , and not a bad one either , but he didn 't practise . He spent years burrowing away in the library of the British Museum and at long intervals produced a huge pseudo - scientific , pseudo - philosophical book that nobody read and that he had to publish at his own expense . He wrote four or five of them before he died and they were absolutely worthless . He had a son who wanted to go into the army , but there was no money to send him to Sandhurst , so he had to enlist . He was killed in the war . He had a daughter too . She was very pretty and I was rather taken with her . She went on the stage , but she had no talent and she traipsed around the provinces playing small parts in second - rate companies at a miserable salary . His wife , after years of dreary , sordid drudgery , broke down in health and the girl had to come home and nurse her and take on the drudgery her mother no longer had the strength for . Wasted , thwarted lives and all to no purpose . It 's a toss - up when you decide to leave the beaten track . Many are called but few are chosen . ' ' I look upon you as a disinterested observer , ' she said , with a pleasant smile . ' I should like to have your approval . You do think I 've done right , don 't you ? ' ' I know it 's only horse sense . I know that every reasonable person would agree that I 've done the only possible thing . I know that from every practical standpoint , from the standpoint of worldly wisdom , from the standpoint of common decency , from the standpoint of what 's - right and wrong , I 've done what I ought to do . And yet at the bottom of my heart I 've got an uneasy feeling that if I were better , if I were more disinterested , more unselfish , nobler , I 'd marry Larry and lead his life . If I only loved him enough I 'd think the world well lost . ' ' I 've said that to myself too . But it doesn 't help . I suppose it 's more in woman 's nature to sacrifice herself than in a man 's . ' She chuckled . ' Ruth and the alien corn and all that sort of thing . ' For a while we were silent . A chill went down my spine as it strangely does when I am confronted with deep and genuine human emotion . I find it terrible and rather awe - inspiring . Silence again fell upon us . I didn 't know what to say . The coffee - room in which we sat was small , and heavy lace curtains over the window shut out the light . On the walls , covered with yellow marbled paper , were old sporting prints . With its mahogany furniture , its shabby leather chairs , and its musty smell , it was strangely reminiscent of a coffee - room in a Dickens novel . I poked the fire and put more coal on it . Isabel suddenly began to speak . ' Weak ? ' I cried . ' What made you think that ? A man who for a year withstood the disapproval of all his friends and associates because he was determined to go his own way . ' ' I could always do anything I wanted with him . I could turn him round my little finger . He was never a leader in the things we did . He just tagged along with the crowd . ' ' Mamma and Elliott thought it very wrong of me to go about with him afterwards as though nothing had happened , but I didn 't take it very seriously . I kept on thinking up to the end that he 'd yield . I couldn 't believe that when he 'd got it into his thick head that I meant what I said he wouldn 't give in . ' She hesitated and gave me a smile of roguish , playful malice . ' Will you be awfully shocked if I tell you something ? ' ' When we decided to come to London I called Larry and asked him if we couldn 't spend my last evening in Paris together . When I told them , Uncle Elliott said it was most improper and Mamma said she thought it unnecessary . When Mamma says something is unnecessary it means she thoroughly disapproves . Uncle Elliott asked me what the idea was and I said we were going to dine somewhere and then make a tour of the night clubs . He told Mamma she ought to forbid me to go . Mamma said , " Will you pay any attention if I forbid you to go ? " " No , darling , " I said , " none . " Then she said , " That is what I imagined . In that case there doesn 't seem to be much point in my forbidding it . " ' ' I don 't believe she misses much . When Larry called for me I went into her room to say good night to her . I 'd made up a bit ; you know , you have to in Paris or else you look so naked , and when she saw the dress I had on , I had an uneasy suspicion from the way she took me in from top to toe that she had a pretty shrewd idea what I was after . But she didn 't say anything . She just kissed me and said she hoped I 'd have a good time . ' ' I didn 't think I was looking too bad and it was my last chance . Larry had reserved a table at Maxim 's . We had lovely things to eat , all the things I particularly liked , and we had champagne . We talked our heads off , at least I did , and I made Larry laugh . One of the things I 've liked about him is that I can always amuse him . We danced . When we 'd had enough of that we went on to the Chateau de Madrid . We found some people we knew and joined them and we had more champagne . Then we all went to the Acacia . Larry dances quite well , and we fit . The heat and the music and the wine - I was getting a bit light - headed . I felt absolutely reckless . I danced with my face against Larry 's and I knew he wanted me . God knows I wanted him . I had an idea . I suppose it had been at the back of my mind all the time . I thought I 'd get him to come home with me and once I 'd got him there , well , it was almost inevitable that the inevitable should happen . ' ' My room was quite a way from Uncle Elliott 's and Mamma 's , so I knew there was no risk . When we were back in America I thought I 'd write and say I was going to have a baby . He 'd be obliged to come back and marry me , and when I 'd got him home I didn 't believe it would be hard to keep him there , especially with Mamma ill . " What a fool I am not to have thought of that before , " I said to myself . " Of course that 'll settle everything . " When the music stopped I just stayed there in his arms . Then I said it was getting late and we had to take the train at noon , so we 'd better go . We got into a taxi . I nestled close to him and he put his arms around me and kissed me . He kissed me , he kissed me - oh , it was heaven . It hardly seemed a moment before the taxi stopped at the door . Larry paid it . ' He 'd rung the bell and the door swung open . He switched on the light as we stepped in . I looked into his eyes . They were so trusting , so honest , so - so guileless ; he so obviously hadn 't the smallest idea that I was laying a trap for him ; I felt I couldn 't play him such a dirty trick . It was like taking candy off a child . D ' you know what I did ? I said , " Oh well , perhaps you 'd better not . Mamma 's not very well tonight and if she 's fallen asleep I don 't want to wake her up . Good night . " I put my face up for him to kiss and pushed him out of the door . That was the end of that . ' ' I 'm neither pleased nor sorry . I just couldn 't help myself . It wasn 't me that did what I did . It was just an impulse that took possession of me and acted for me . ' She grinned . ' 1 suppose you 'd call it my better nature . ' That was in effect the end of our talk . It may be that it was some consolation to Isabel to have been able to speak to someone with entire freedom , but that was all the good I had been able to do her . Feeling I had been inadequate , I tried to say at least some small thing that would give her comfort . For ten years after this I saw neither Isabel nor Larry . I continued to see Elliott , and indeed , for a reason that I shall tell later , more frequently than before , and from time to time I learnt from him what was happening to Isabel . But of Larry he could tell me nothing . ' For all I know he 's still living in Paris , but I 'm not likely to run across him . We don 't move in the same circles , ' he added , not without complacency . ' It 's very sad that he should have gone so completely to seed . He comes of a very good family . I 'm sure I could have made something of him if he 'd put himself in my hands . Anyhow it was a lucky escape for Isabel . ' My circle of acquaintance was not so restricted as Elliott 's and I knew a number of persons in Paris whom he would have thought eminently undesirable . On my brief but not infrequent sojourns I asked one or other of them whether he had run across Larry or had news of him ; a few knew him casually , but none could claim any intimacy with him and I could find nobody to give me news of him . I went to the restaurant at which he habitually dined , but found he had not been there for a long time , and they thought he must have gone away . I never saw him at any of the cafes on the Boulevard du Montparnasse which people who live in the neighbourhood are apt to go to . His intention , after Isabel left Paris , was to go to Greece , but this he abandoned . What he actually did he told me himself many years later , but I will relate it now because it is more convenient to place events as far as I can in chronological order . He stayed on in Paris during the summer and worked without a break till autumn was well advanced . I was silent . I wondered whether that was the only reason for this unexpected step or whether it was connected with Isabel 's refusal to marry him . The fact was , I didn 't know at all how deeply he loved her . Most people when they 're in love invent every kind of reason to persuade themselves that it 's only sensible to do what they want . I suppose that 's why there are so many disastrous marriages . They are like those who put their affairs in the hands of someone they know to be a crook , but who happens to be an intimate friend because , unwilling to believe that a crook is a crook first and a friend afterwards , they are convinced that , however dishonest he may be with others , he won 't be so with them . Larry was strong enough to refuse to sacrifice for Isabel 's sake the life that he thought was the life for him , but it may be that to lose her was bitterer to endure than he had expected . It may be that like most of us he wanted to eat his cake and have it . ' I packed my books and my clothes in a couple of trunks and got the American Express to store them . Then I put an extra suit and some linen in a grip and started off . My Greek teacher had a sister who was married to the manager of a mine near Lens and he gave me a letter to him . D ' you know Lens ? ' ' It 's in the North of France , not far from the Belgian border . I only spent a night there , at the station hotel , and next day I took a local to the place where the mine was . Ever been to a mining village ? ' ' Well , I suppose it 's much the same . There 's the mine and the manager 's house , rows and rows of trim little two - storey houses , all alike , exactly alike , and it 's so monotonous it makes your heart sink . There 's a newish , ugly church and several bars . It was bleak and cold when I got there and a thin rain was falling . I went to the manager 's office and sent in my letter . He was a little , fat man with red cheeks and the look of a guy who enjoys his food . They were short of labour , a lot of miners had been killed in the war , and there were a good many Poles working there , two or three hundred , I should think . He asked me one or two questions , he didn 't much like my being an American , he seemed to think it rather fishy , but his brother - in - law 's letter spoke well of me and anyhow he was glad to have me . He wanted to give me a job on the surface , but I told him I wanted to work down below . He said I 'd find it hard if I wasn 't used to it , but I told him I was prepared for that , so then he said I could be helper to a miner . That was boy 's work really , but there weren 't enough boys to go round . He was a nice fellow ; he asked me if I 'd done anything about finding a lodging , and when I told him I hadn 't he wrote an address on a piece of paper and said that if I went there the woman of the house would let me have a bed . She was the widow of a miner who 'd been killed and her two sons were working in the mine . ' I took up my grip and went on my way . I found the house , and the door was opened for me by a tall , gaunt woman with greying hair and big , dark eyes . She had good features and she must have been nice - looking once . She wouldn 't have been bad then in a haggard way except for two missing front teeth . She told me she hadn 't a room , but there were two beds in a room she 'd let to a Pole and I could have the other one . Her two sons had one of the upstairs rooms and she had the other . The room she showed me was on the ground floor and supposed , I imagined , to be the living - room ; I should have liked a room to myself , but I thought I 'd better not be fussy ; and the drizzle had turned into a steady , light rain and I was wet already . I didn 't want to go farther and get soaked to the skin . So I said that would suit me and I settled in . They used the kitchen as a living - room . It had a couple of rickety armchairs in it . There was a coal shed in the yard which was also the bath - house . The two boys and the Pole had taken their lunch with them , but she said I could eat with her at midday . I sat in the kitchen afterwards smoking and while she went on with her work she told me all about herself and her family . The others came in at the end of their shift . The Pole first and then the two boys . The Pole passed through the kitchen , nodded to me without speaking when our landlady told him I was to share his room , took a great kettle off the hob and went off to wash himself in the shed . The two boys were tall good - looking fellows notwithstanding the grime on their faces , and seemed inclined to be friendly . They looked upon me as a freak because I was American . One of them was nineteen , off to his military service in a few months , and the other eighteen . ' The Pole came back and then they went to clean up . The Pole had one of those difficult Polish names , but they called him Kosti . He was a big fellow , two or three inches taller than me , and heavily built . He had a pale fleshy face with a broad short nose and a big mouth . His eyes were blue and because he hadn 't been able to wash the coal dust off his eyebrows and eyelashes he looked as if he was made up . The black lashes made the blue of his eyes almost startling . He was an ugly , uncouth fellow . The two boys after hey 'd changed their clothes went out . The Pole sat on in the kitchen , smoking a pipe and reading the paper . I had a book in my pocket , so I took it out and began reading toa I noticed that he ' anced at me once or twice and presently he put his paper down . ' I handed him the book to see for himself . It was a copy of the Princesse de Cleves that I 'd bought at the station in Paris because it was small enough to put in my pocket . He looked at it , then at me , curiously , and handed it back . I noticed an ironical smile on his lips . ' " Does it amuse you ? " ' " I read it at school at Warsaw . It bored me stiff . " He spoke very good French , with hardly a trace of Polish accent . " Now I don 't read anything but the newspaper and detective stories . " ' Madame Leclerc , that was our old girl 's name , with an eye on the soup that was cooking for supper , sat at the table darning socks . She told Kosti that I had been sent to her by the manager of the mine and repeated what else I had seen fit to tell her . He listened , puffing away at his pipe , and looked at me with brilliantly blue eyes . They were hard and shrewd . He asked me a few questions about myself . When I told him I had never worked in a mine before his lips broke again into an ironical smile . ' " You don 't know what you 're in for . No one would go to work in a mine who could do anything else . But that 's your affair and doubtless you have your reasons . Where did you live in Paris ? " ' " At one time I used to go to Paris every year , but I kept to the Grands Boulevards . Have you ever been to Larue 's ? It was my favourite restaurant . " ' I fancy he saw my surprise , for he gave me once more his mocking smile , but evidently didn 't think it necessary to explain further . We went on talking in a desultory fashion and then the two boys came in . We had supper and when we 'd finished Kosti asked me if I 'd like to come to the bistro with him and have a beer . It was just a rather large room with a bar at one end of it and a number of marble - topped tables with wooden chairs around them . There was a mechanical piano and someone had put a coin in the slot and it was braying out a dance tune . Only three tables were occupied besides ours . Kosti asked me if I played belote . I 'd learnt it with some of my student friends , so I said I did and he proposed that we should play for the beer . I agreed and he called for cards . I lost a beer and a second beer . Then he proposed that we should play for money . He had good cards and I had bad luck . We were playing for very small stakes , but I lost several francs . This and the beer put him in a good humour and he talked . It didn 't take me long to guess both by his way of expressing himself and by his manners , that he was a man of education . When he spoke again of Paris it was to ask me if I knew So - and - so and So - and - so , American women I had met at Elliott 's when Aunt Louisa and Isabel were staying with him . He appeared to know them better than 1 did and I wondered how it was that he found himself in his present position . It wasn 't late , but we had to get up at the crack of dawn . ' " I entered the nobleman 's cadet school when I was a kid , my father was a general under the Czar and I was a cavalry officer in the last war . I couldn 't stand Pilsudski . We arranged to kill him , but someone gave us away . He shot those of us he caught . I managed to get across the frontier just in time . There was nothing for me but the Foreign Legion or a coal mine . I chose the lesser of two evils . " ' I knew the old trial of strength and I put my open palm against his . He laughed . " Your hand won 't be as soft as that in a few weeks . " I pushed withall my might , but I could make no effect against his huge strength and gradually he pressed my hand back and down to the table . ' " You 're pretty strong , " he was good enough to say . " There aren 't many men who keep up as long as that . Listen , my helper 's no good , he 's a puny little Frenchman , he hasn 't got the strength of a louse . You come along with me tomorrow and I 'll get the foreman to let me have you instead . " |
Home The Books GLH Books by Title GLH Books by Date GLH Paperbacks GLH Biographies GLH Short Stories Her Mission The Backstory Inside the Books The Books in the Books Hymns in GLH Books GLH Silent Films A Family of Writers Meet Grace 's Family Rev . C . M . Livingston Mrs . C . M . Livingston Rev . T . G . F . Hill Margaret Livingston Hill Walker Ruth Glover Hill Munce Isabella Macdonald Alden Website E . L . Henry Website The Project A Little Servant One of Grace 's earliest books was " A Little Servant " , published in 1890 while she was still unmarried . If you 're looking for an original , it 's written by " Grace Livingston " . This small children 's book is filled with beautiful woodcut illustrations throughout . High in that graceful branch yonder , just under the largest maple leaf , there hides a nest . Look ! Do you see the leaf rise in the wind ? There ! There she is , that little gray bird . All day long the bough rocks up and down , to and fro , and all night long the stars peep through the leaves at her , and the tender moonlight sheds a golden rain around . Through all the long summer the sweet wind hovers , now singing a song of peace and love and home and joy , now lifting the green canopy overhead , to give the little mother a view of some soft cloud floating in the blue sea above . And so she sits , and broods and broods . Watch ! Dipping , swooping , curving , with a flutter and a whirl , comes a wee bird , smaller than the other , and she has yellow feathers in her wings . But mother - bird 's eyes are on her , and wondering , she anxiously awaits the result of this unexpected visit . With a cry of dismay , mother - bird darted after her , but too late , alas ! Yellow Wings was fleet and wary . She knew the quickest way to get out of sight , and poor little mother - bird must come back to her dismantled home to tell her husband the sorrowful tale , and they two repair the damage as best they can . It is not the work of a day , though , for such bits of cotton are not always to be found for the looking . Poor little birds ! And two watchers , standing by , saw it all . One was - Did you ever know the little girl that lived in the pretty house , with the garden all about it ? Her eyes were bits of blue left over when the sky was finished . Her hair was like curling sunbeams , and her lips all kisses and rose leaves . When she laughed ' twas like the spring wind playing amongst the violets , so low and sweet . Every one loved little Esther , and she was queen of the whole house . There she stood on the balcony , close over the branch where madam - bird rocked all day , and saw the deed done which so darkened the cheer of the little nest . Her heart swelled with indignation that a bird could be so naughty , and her feelings took voice in a sorrowful , horrified " Oh - oo - o ! Poor , poor , birdie . " The other watcher stood below , leaning on his rake . He was a dark - browed young man , with a face that would have been good but for the settled look of gloom and scorn which he wore . There was a certain pride , too , such as did not match the rough gardener 's suit . All about him stretched the broad lawns , smooth as velvet , of the Carleton home , and above , the blue , blue heavens . It was a perfect day , and yet the perfection jarred on the young man . Here was all this beauty , and none of it for him . If there was a God , how could he treat him so ? Where was the justice in it ? He looked down with contempt at the heavy boots , and the rake which must be used , and used faithfully , for some one else , ere he could have a right to his daily bread . He hated the work he was doing , and put no pleasure in the clean - cut curves of the gravel paths on which he was working , or the well - shaped mounds he was preparing for the plants that were soon to fill them . It was not many years since he was a boy in a home where everything was pleasant and happy ; he was the pride of his father and the pet of his mother - their only child - and his every wish was gratified if possible . His father had not been rich , only comfortably off , but he had never wanted for anything . He had been a bright boy in his classes in the public school . His father had intended to educate him for a lawyer ; to that end the boy was not expected to devote himself to anything but study , so he grew up with very little practical knowledge of any kind . He had not improved his opportunities for study as well as he might have done , but he did not realize that yet . At fifteen he was in a fair way to graduate from the High School in one year more , when his education suddenly stopped . The father was killed in a railroad accident , and the little mother , not very strong at the time , never left her bed after the funeral , and in a few short days was lying beside her husband . When the poor stunned boy tried to look around him to see what he should do , they told him that he had no money , and must leave school and go to work . He had taken , as a matter of necessity , the place that was offered to him , but he did not know how to do the work well , and disliked it . When there came an opportunity for a change he changed , and , as is often the case when people try to better themselves , he only made himself worse off , and hated the new work more than the old . So he went from one thing to another , often out of employment , and so surly and haughty in his manner that no one cared to employ him . He awoke one day to the fact that he was a man , twenty - four years old , with no regular employment , and , what was worse , no chance of any work whatever . He had drifted in these years far away from the old home , where he might have had friends to help him . He found himself in this strange city , having spent two weeks in fruitless hunting for something to do ; in debt to the landlady of his miserable little boarding house for his board for those two weeks . What was to be done ? There seemed to be nothing in the world for him to do . He had even condescended to ask one man if he didn 't want his wood sawed , but had received such a sharp " No " from him that he had not the courage to ask any one else . So when he heard Mr . Carleton inquiring for a man to do a little gardening for him , as his gardener was sick , he was glad in a sullen kind of way to accept the offered work . This was his first day at the place , and he had filled his mind with hard , bitter thoughts about himself , his lot , and the injustice of his God to have allowed it all to happen to him . You see it never occurred to this young man that he had brought part of the trouble on himself . " Robert , I haven 't been the sort of mother I ought to have been . I haven 't told you about Jesus and his love . I don 't know what I should do without him now . You must know him , my son , and get ready to die . You will be sure to come to me in heaven , my boy ? " So with his mind full of gloomy thoughts he worked , looked across the lawn and saw the beauty , but took none of it into his soul . As he heard the flutter and twitter above his head he looked up and saw the little robber bird in the act of stealing the coveted cotton . He scowled at the bird , then told himself it was the way of all the world , and that birds might as well bear it as men . He had thought he was alone until little Esther 's troubled voice startled him . He looked up at the balcony where she stood , great sorrowful blue eyes full of tears , watching the distant flutter of wings . He gazed wonderingly up at her until the eyes came back to the nest ; then she caught sight of him . She looked at him a moment , perhaps a trifle surprised to find a stranger there , then she said , still with that horror in her voice : " Here I am , " she said ; " and I have some cotton and some silk rav ' lings from my dollie 's sash - pink and blue . Do you think the birdies would like those , too ? My grandma thought so . " A great time they had arranging them on the branch . Father bird , high up in the branches of the neighboring elm , with his heart in his mouth , watched them , wondering if there was to be an utter destruction of the pretty home he and his wife had labored so hard to make . But perhaps madam - bird saw the pinks and blues and coveted them , for she went and sat very still , beside her husband , looking down , first out of one eye and then out of the other . After eyeing long and anxiously , madam - bird 's love for the beautiful overcame her nervous fears , and she came by various short stages , stopping long at each place , to be sure all was well , to the branch where hung the ravelings of dollie 's sash . She pecked at them once or twice , turned her head to one side , gave a twittering call to her husband , and down he came . Busy and happy they were then , as any two birds could be , weaving in and out the delicate threads , and making such a nest as would make the heart of Yellow Wings ache with jealousy for many a day . Oh ! How happy was little Esther , down behind the cedar - tree , her small hands clasped together with delight , her eyes very large and bright with excitement . Robert Knight stood near , silently watching her . Presently he remembered that his time was not his own , to stand thus and idle away the hours watching this beautiful little creature . He turned with a scowl and was about to go back to his work , but Esther looked at him with a smile . He started . When had any one ever called him nice since his mother used to lay her white hand on his curls and call him her nice boy ? It brought a queer sensation in his throat , but he mastered it and said in a rather gruff voice : " Dowell doesn 't dig quick like that . He goes very slow . I think your way is the nicest . Dowell is cross , sometimes , but Grandma says little girls shouldn 't bother . " Then , after a thoughtful pause , " Do I bother you ? " " Why , then you 're just like me , aren 't you ? I haven 't any mamma here , either . She has gone to heaven . Has your mamma gone to heaven , too ? " What was this young man , who professed to believe in no such thing as heaven , to say to this baby 's question ? He gave a nod which might have meant yes or no , or almost anything else . He couldn 't bring himself to say anything against the heaven which was evidently so real to the little girl . Besides , he felt that , baby though she was , she wouldn 't believe him if he should . But Esther took the nod for yes , and went on . " Was your mamma sorry to leave you all alone , without any Grandpa or Grandma to stay with ? My mamma left me with my Grandma and Grandpa . Grandma says she wanted to take me with her , only Jesus had some work for me to do for him before I went with her , and she said I must do it as quick as ever I could and come to her , for she would be waiting for me . She said I was to comfort Grandma and Grandpa , and bimeby Jesus would give me something to do for him , and I must be very good and do it well - just whatever he wanted me to do ; then when it was done I could come home to her , where Jesus is , and see him . Did your mamma leave some work for you to do ? " She paused , her eager blue eyes looking up into his , confidently expecting an answer , and he did not know what to say . His mother 's last words came to him and kept him from saying no . He stopped work , with one foot on the top of the spade , and looked at her . How was he going to answer such questions ? He could not bring himself to make fun of them . " That 's my nurse , and I must go . She wants to get me ready for dinner now , but I 'm coming out again . You are my new friend , you know , and I like you very much . Good - by . " She was gone , and the young man looked after her with wonder again . She was such a quaint make - up of womanly dignity and childish innocence . The nurse had come to meet her , and in no very soft tone was admonishing her : " Miss Esther , what have you been doing down in the garden , talking to that tramp ? Don 't you know you shouldn 't talk to tramps ? They 're horrid bad men . " " O , no , Sarah ! you are mistaken . He isn 't a tramp ; he is very nice . And besides , his mamma is in heaven , just like mine , and tramps don 't have mammas in heaven . " " I came out to say good - night to the sun , " she said ; " I couldn 't come before , because I went to ride with Grandma and Grandpa , but I 'm coming out to - morrow if it 's a pleasant day . I told my Grandma all about you , and she asked me what your name was , and I had to say I didn 't know . Wasn 't that funny not to know what a friend 's name was ? Won 't you tell me what your name is ? " The queer mixture of woman and baby gleamed from every dimple as she asked this question . " My name is Esther Carleton . Grandpa calls me his little Queen , but Grandma calls me God 's little servant , because , you know , Queen Esther was a servant when she was a queen . Do you know ' bout Queen Esther ? " " Why , you know , she was a queen , and ' Hazuerus was a king . He had a friend who hated some of Esther 's people and wanted to kill them , and he made the king say they should be killed , and God sent word to Esther to go and ask the king not to kill her people , and it was very hard work , and she was afraid to go , fear the king would kill her , too , when he found out she was a relation of those people his friend hated ; but she went , ' cause God told her to , course , and the king didn 't kill her a bit , and he said he would save all those people of hers alive , and so she was God 's servant , ' cause she did just what he told her to do . Have you got a story ' bout your name ? " " The sun has gone , " said little Esther , " and I must go in , for Grandma says the dew begins to fall as soon as the sun gets out of sight . Are you ready to stop now ? Hannah says your supper is ready , and my Grandpa says he wants to see you , and I want to - morrow to hurry and come , so I can watch you make garden . " She put her soft hand in his , and together they went through the long , dark tree - shadows up the winding gravel path to the house , she chattering , he listening . The grandfather , careful that the darling of his heart should have no evil companionship , came out and talked long with the young man . By and by he went in and told the white - haired grandmother that he was interested in the young man and had hired him permanently , for Dowell was getting old and lame , and had told him only that morning that he was afraid he would not be able to do all the work that summer . So , at last , Robert Knight had found permanent work . Nevertheless , in his room over the carriage house , he felt not one whit grateful as he thought it over . The room was large and light and much more comfortable than the one he had been occupying in the miserable boarding house . The meals to which Hannah called him regularly would be deemed luxurious beside those he had been accustomed to having of late , and he could not deny a certain pleasure when he thought of the strange , beautiful little friend . Still he curled his lip over the work he had " come down to , " as he phrased it , and called God hard and unjust - if , indeed , there was a God - which last sentence he never forgot to put in . " Mr . Knight , there is a story ' bout your name . You didn 't know it , did you ? I was telling my grandma ' bout you , and how you didn 't know any story ' bout your name , and she said that perhaps you were a true knight , and if you were you had a story to work out . Then I asked her what a knight was , and she said it was some one who was sent out to do a brave deed , and she told me a beautiful story ' bout a knight who went out to catch a wicked man and shut him up in prison so he couldn 't do any more harm . Are you a knight now , do you suppose ? " " Then I 'll ask my grandma . She knows a great deal . She has a caller now , so I can 't ask her yet , but when we have our lunch I 'll ask her . Won 't that be nice ? " And then the talk drifted into gardening . Little Esther had a great many questions to ask , and wanted to try to spade some for herself . So he held a spade for her , and she put her little white hand into the great round handle , and one small kid shoe on the top of the spade , and pushed and pushed with all her might . Her hat fell off , her face grew very red , and the curls blew into her eyes , but still the stubborn earth would not give way . " Well , well , well , what are we trying to do now ? " came a cheery voice from the shrubbery , and there stood Grandpa , watching and laughing . Esther came down from the spade , her face still very red . " O , Grandpa ! " she said , anxiety and disappointment in her face , " I can 't do it the way Mr . Knight does . The spade is too big . When do you think I 'll be big enough to use a spade ? I want to make a garden so much . " " You may ask your friend here to show you how , and you shall plant just what you want in your garden , " he said indulgently . So , behold , the next morning Esther came to the garden wheeling before her a little red wheelbarrow , and in it a wee hoe and shovel and rake . Robert Knight had orders to show her how to work in the best way , and to take all the time necessary for it . He began to like his work , with Esther beside him every morning . And more and more the afternoons , when he was alone , would be filled with thoughts of how he could get up some surprise or some new work for the little maiden . " My Grandpa says , " she said , one morning , " that kings and queens make people knights and then give them some great work to do . Some of the knights were sent after such silly things , but you are my very good knight , so I will have to send you after some great and beautiful thing . Besides , you know , I 'm God 's little servant , and I must give you something to do that will please him . We 'll think of something nice , Grandma and I , but now you can wait awhile , can 't you ? You might have to go away from me if I found something for you to do right away , you see , and I don 't want you to go away yet . You can wait , can 't you ? If I 'm God 's servant he will show me something nice to send you after by and by . " Some ladies , friends of Mrs . Carleton , tried to remonstrate with her . They told her the child would get all rough and brown working so constantly out in the sun , and that they should think she would be afraid to have her with a strange young man , about whom she knew nothing ; but Grandma and Grandpa were wise , and were looking out for their darling . The ladies were disappointed in one thing . Esther did not grow brown and rough . Her skin was of that rare , clear kind which would not tan or roughen , and so she only grew rosier and lovelier . It was a very hot day , and Esther had been left with Sarah while Mr . and Mrs . Carleton went out to dine . She wandered about from window to window , and out on the porch , but everything was uninteresting , and it was so hot everywhere . She wished she were out under that cool maple with Robert . She knew she would have a good time . The house was dull without Grandma , and Sarah was down in the kitchen ironing . Sarah had told her not to go out of the house until it grew cooler . If Sarah only knew how beautiful it was under that tree she would let her go . She decided to go down to the kitchen and ask her . Down she went , but Sarah was having a discussion with the cook , and did not notice Esther , except to tell her not to lean against the ironing - board or she would be burned . She wandered to the kitchen door . The flowers seemed to be nodding their heads in an afternoon nap , with the trees bending over to fan them . The bees and butterflies went lazily from one flower to another , as though loth to disturb their slumbers . There was a still hum of heat over everything . Robert Knight was coming down the gravel path outside with the wheelbarrow . Esther heard him and her head was turned toward the door . The ironing - board was tipped a little like an inclined plane , as all ironing boards will when one end is mounted on the table and the other end on a chair - back one inch and a half higher than the table . And so the great hot iron , placed at the upper end while Sarah discoursed on the wickedness of Miss O ' Flannigan , came sliding slowly down , hissing and scorching its way as it came , till the soft white arm of little Esther stopped its progress for a moment . Of course they rushed around her to know what was the matter . No one but Knight had seen what had happened . Sarah was fairly frantic , and tried to take her darling from him , but Esther clung to him and he held her fast . It almost seemed as if the burn was his own . He could feel every quiver of pain that went through the little frame as he held her close , and never until then had he realized how she had crept into his heart . Tenderly they bound up the arm , he holding her the while , for she would not leave him , much to the chagrin of her nurse . When the pain was eased and the little arm all carefully shielded , she felt better and asked him to take her out under the pretty shady trees . So they went out , and he stopped all his work and held her in his arms a long , long time . " Why , Mr . Knight , God didn 't let it happen ; I did it myself . Sarah told me not to come near the table , and I came . She told me I would get burned , and I did . God sent me word and I didn 't mind . " " Then you must find him right away , for you can 't be a good knight unless you know Jesus . How can you go on a great errand unless you know him ? You can 't be a brave knight without him , for you won 't have anybody to help you . " She paused , and he looked down at the sad little face , starting to find great tears rolling down her cheeks and dropping thick and fast on his hands . It was anguish to be the cause of those tears . His soul writhed under it . What could he say to comfort her ? The pleading eyes , full of tears , looked up at him for an answer , and he felt it was a solemn thing she asked of him , which if he promised he must surely do , and he waited . His proud spirit could not bear to say yes , and he could not say no to his little queen . They heard the distant grind of the carriage wheels as they turned into the gravel driveway , and Esther put up the little well hand and touched him softly on the cheek . Then Esther was so happy ! The tears all melted into smiles , and she wiped her face vigorously with her wee handkerchief , that Grandma might not think her arm " hurted so very much now . " The carriage came , and Esther , in the arms of her knight , went to tell Grandma and Grandpa all about the burn . She was carried to the house to be petted , and Grandma was heard to remark that she never would leave her again . Robert Knight went to his room and set himself to his strange task . To find God ! This was solemn business . It was not merely his promise to Esther that had stirred his heart to , the depths this afternoon . God 's spirit had been striving with him for some time . The weeks of contact with the lovely life of this trustful little servant of Jesus had softened his heart and set him to thinking . He took up the Bible that had lain untouched on the stand in his room ever since he came there . As he opened it there rushed over him the feeling that he was coming into the presence of the great God , and a sense of his unworthy life filled him with shame . His whole past stood out before him and seemed hateful when he thought that the pure eyes of God were looking upon it . It seemed a hopeless undertaking , this trying to make peace with an angry God , and he felt like giving up all effort ; but little Esther 's troubled face came to his mind , and he remembered he had promised . Back again to his life he went and searched carefully through every detail to see if by any possibility he might find something that would justify him in the eyes of God . He remembered the unkept promise to his dying mother , and fell on his knees beside the chair , crying : " O God , forgive me ! I am very wicked . Forgive me and save me , for Jesus ' sake ! " Over and over again he sent up the same petition , till , worn out by the excitement , he leaned his head against the little table to steady it , and closed his eyes . It was a verse his mother had taught him long before , and he remembered the sense of satisfaction which had filled him that afternoon , that the minister had used his verse ; but no clear idea of the meaning of those words had entered his mind then . Now he began to realize what they meant . It was a promise from God that he would receive him . " Him that cometh , " he slowly repeated . " Why , I have come already , and He must have received me , for He has promised , but , oh ! what shall I do with my wicked , wasted life ? It is just filled with sin from beginning to end . " Yes , he had known that verse a long time , why had it never brought him such joy as it brought now ? But then , he had never before realized what an awful sinner he was . He had often , with his wild companions , sneered at that very verse ; at the idea that the blood of Jesus could help any man ; but now he felt a blessed relief in the thought that Jesus would bear all the burden of the terrible load he had just begun to see had been upon him for years . With his head still bowed he knelt there a long time , trying to tell Jesus all that was in his heart : the humiliation ; the sense of sin ; the sorrow ; and the overwhelming thankfulness that Christ was willing to save such as he . And then , soon , came Esther 's birthday , and she had a party . Nine little girls and ten little boys . They came , their faces shining with the expectation of a good time . How pretty they looked in their dainty dresses and bright sashes flying about among the trees . Madam - bird , just hatching her second brood , sat and watched them , and thought , with a passing bird sigh , how many , many lovely nests all those sashes would make if they were only raveled out . Out under the great elm at the upper end of the lawn , Robert Knight was fixing something about the swing , and around him stood Frankie Elbright , Minnie Haines , Georgie Forbes , and Esther . Little mites they were , with such baby faces , but you should have heard them talk . " Presidents ain 't as big as kings , " said Frankie Elbright . " My papa saw a king once . There ain 't anybody bigger ' n kings . " It was October . The clear , sharp weather had strewn the lawn and carriage drive with crimson and gold from the boughs of the soft maple - trees , which were scattered so plentifully all about the house . Little Esther , in her long white wool cloak and soft white cap , the gold curls blowing in the breeze , looked like a fair leaf herself , as she stooped to pick the crimson beauties from the gravel . She was gathering a bouquet for Grandma . How was it that the great iron gates that guarded the carriage drive had been left open that morning ! Had Patrick forgotten to close them the night before , or was it that some children had been passing that way and stopped to stand on the iron opener for the fun of seeing the gates slowly swing open , moved by their weight ? No one knows . Only the two frantic horses , who fancied they were pursued by the pieces of broken carriage which were attached to them , and which kept hitting their flying heels , saw in that opening a refuge from their enemy , and dashed in . Up the broad drive among the trees , nearer and nearer they came , more maddened by each step , and there was little Esther , stooping down in that gravel drive - way with her back to them , and no one by to watch ! Robert Knight , away at the upper end of the garden , heard their rushing feet , looked up , saw them coining , and saw his little queen just before them . He shouted and ran and made frantic efforts to turn the attention of the furious horses , but he was a long way off and they were close upon his little friend . No one else saw or heard until it was too late . After that nobody seemed to care what other mischief the horses did . Someone caught them - they never knew who - for the servants were all busy rushing here and there after doctors and water and this and that . The doctor came and worked hard and fast for a little time , and by and by the blue eyes opened and looked wonderingly on the group that stood around her . " Jesus has sent for me . I must go pretty soon . Where is my knight ? Grandma , won 't you ask him to come here ? I want to tell him something . " They made way for him , and he went to her bedside . " I 've found out what to tell you to do , Mr . Knight , " she said , with eager voice and shining eyes . " I think an angel whispered it to me just now . I couldn 't think of anything beautiful enough to send you to do , but now I know , and it will please Jesus . You must find some people that don 't know all about Jesus , and don 't know how good he is , and don 't love him , and you must go and tell them all about him . Will you go , Mr . Knight ? " O , Grandma ! " said the little girl , " please don 't cry . I 'm going to my mamma and Jesus . You said my mamma wanted me so , only she left me to do some work for Jesus ; but now my knight is going to do it for me , and so Jesus has sent for me . Please don 't cry , Grandma , dear . You will come so soon , and then we 'll all be in heaven with Jesus . " Now Grandma and Grandpa were getting old , and had been through many sorrows which had at first seemed impossible to bear , but they had found that the Lord had helped them to bear them ; and although this was their last little lamb , and dearer to them than life , and to lose her seemed to them harder than anything that had ever come to them before , yet they remembered that heaven for them was very near , and that the separation could not be for long . So they put their sorrow by and tried to wear bright faces and make the little one 's last hours on earth happy ones . They wanted her to feel glad that she was going to heaven . It was a long , hard afternoon for the three watchers - to feel their darling slipping from them , minute by minute , and not be able to help her ; and yet it was a wonderful afternoon . Not one of them would have been willing to lose a moment of it . The little girl was so happy that she was going home to Jesus . She would talk of heaven , and wonder what it would be like . " Do you think my mamma will come to meet me ? " she asked once . But most of her thoughts were full of her knight and the work he was to do . She charged him many times that he must tell the people how Jesus loved them , and be sure that they all found him . Then her Grandpa made her very happy by promising that all the money which should have been hers should go to help along the work , and so she planned her pretty angel plans until the sun went down behind the cedar hedge and threw a glory over the room . She had just laid her little hand on Robert Knight 's dark , bowed head and said : Robert Knight went out from that room with the feeling that he had watched the gate of heaven open and shut again , taking away the dearest thing in life from him ; but greater than the deep sorrow which he felt was the solemnity which filled him . He had spent an afternoon in a room where God surely was , waiting to take away one of his own and he had seen little Esther 's face when she had said : " I see my Jesus , " and he had felt that she really did . Never again could he be tempted to say there was no God . He knew there was . He had felt his presence . Life was full of a great responsibility that had never been there before . He had been called to a mission , to finish some work for one of Christ 's little ones . How he was to do it he did not know , but it was a precious privilege , and he meant to do it . He would begin by telling of Jesus ' love to all who came in his way . He walked out of the front door and down that awful gravel road where only a few short hours before the life and brightness of the house had been , so glad and well ; and now she was gone . It was a dreadful thought , but with it also came the remembrance that she was with Jesus , and how glad she had been to go . He shuddered as he crossed the spot where the horses had done their fearful work , and stepped into the grass , just under the maple - tree where madam - bird had first introduced them . Deep down in the velvety grass , close by the tree trunk , cold and still , its little feet stretched stiffly up to the branches overhead , its bright black eyes glazed over , lay little madam - bird , dead . Poor little bird ! He picked her up , with the sad feeling of how Esther would grieve , and instantly came the remembrance that she was where she would never grieve again . As he carried the little bird tenderly out to the garden to bury it in the flower bed she had so loved , he remembered the poem she had learned only a little while before , and recited to him , all about a little sparrow , and how the Heavenly Father knew when one fell to the ground . The blinding tears came thick as he worked , but he knew now that the Heavenly Father cared for him , too . In the course of the next day he was sent for by Mr . Carleton . He went in , supposing that he was wanted to go on some special errand , but the old man called him into the library and made him sit down . The tears were streaming down his cheeks , his voice was husky and broken , he walked the floor nervously back and forth , his hands behind him , his head bent over . Presently he broke out : " Knight , we would like to have you take up your education just where you left off . Wife and I have been talking it over and we think it would please the little girl . We would like to have you think it over . It would be the best thing you could do , if you mean to carry out the commission she gave you . It would please her " - Two people were passing the Carleton home one day , and one said to the other : " That little Esther Carleton is dead . Doesn 't it seem a pity that she didn 't die when her mother did ? Then the old people wouldn 't have missed her so . It is said that they are very lonely . I wonder why such little things are allowed to live at all , if they are not to grow up . Her life was only long enough to have those miss her who have had all the care and trouble of her bringing up . " Away out in the Western part of our country , where the people are very poor , and live in log houses - where they have hard work to keep soul and body together out of their scanty farms - stands a little church , neat , pretty and comfortable . The sun shines on the white spire , and it reflects a welcome to all the country round , while the bell in the steeple calls many to the house of God . There Robert Knight preaches and teaches , and little Esther 's money is helping to bring people to Jesus . Up in Heaven , among the angels , I doubt not she is watching . |
Home The Books GLH Books by Title GLH Books by Date GLH Paperbacks GLH Biographies GLH Short Stories Her Mission The Backstory Inside the Books The Books in the Books Hymns in GLH Books GLH Silent Films A Family of Writers Meet Grace 's Family Rev . C . M . Livingston Mrs . C . M . Livingston Rev . T . G . F . Hill Margaret Livingston Hill Walker Ruth Glover Hill Munce Isabella Macdonald Alden Website E . L . Henry Website The Project A Little Servant One of Grace 's earliest books was " A Little Servant " , published in 1890 while she was still unmarried . If you 're looking for an original , it 's written by " Grace Livingston " . This small children 's book is filled with beautiful woodcut illustrations throughout . High in that graceful branch yonder , just under the largest maple leaf , there hides a nest . Look ! Do you see the leaf rise in the wind ? There ! There she is , that little gray bird . All day long the bough rocks up and down , to and fro , and all night long the stars peep through the leaves at her , and the tender moonlight sheds a golden rain around . Through all the long summer the sweet wind hovers , now singing a song of peace and love and home and joy , now lifting the green canopy overhead , to give the little mother a view of some soft cloud floating in the blue sea above . And so she sits , and broods and broods . Watch ! Dipping , swooping , curving , with a flutter and a whirl , comes a wee bird , smaller than the other , and she has yellow feathers in her wings . But mother - bird 's eyes are on her , and wondering , she anxiously awaits the result of this unexpected visit . With a cry of dismay , mother - bird darted after her , but too late , alas ! Yellow Wings was fleet and wary . She knew the quickest way to get out of sight , and poor little mother - bird must come back to her dismantled home to tell her husband the sorrowful tale , and they two repair the damage as best they can . It is not the work of a day , though , for such bits of cotton are not always to be found for the looking . Poor little birds ! And two watchers , standing by , saw it all . One was - Did you ever know the little girl that lived in the pretty house , with the garden all about it ? Her eyes were bits of blue left over when the sky was finished . Her hair was like curling sunbeams , and her lips all kisses and rose leaves . When she laughed ' twas like the spring wind playing amongst the violets , so low and sweet . Every one loved little Esther , and she was queen of the whole house . There she stood on the balcony , close over the branch where madam - bird rocked all day , and saw the deed done which so darkened the cheer of the little nest . Her heart swelled with indignation that a bird could be so naughty , and her feelings took voice in a sorrowful , horrified " Oh - oo - o ! Poor , poor , birdie . " The other watcher stood below , leaning on his rake . He was a dark - browed young man , with a face that would have been good but for the settled look of gloom and scorn which he wore . There was a certain pride , too , such as did not match the rough gardener 's suit . All about him stretched the broad lawns , smooth as velvet , of the Carleton home , and above , the blue , blue heavens . It was a perfect day , and yet the perfection jarred on the young man . Here was all this beauty , and none of it for him . If there was a God , how could he treat him so ? Where was the justice in it ? He looked down with contempt at the heavy boots , and the rake which must be used , and used faithfully , for some one else , ere he could have a right to his daily bread . He hated the work he was doing , and put no pleasure in the clean - cut curves of the gravel paths on which he was working , or the well - shaped mounds he was preparing for the plants that were soon to fill them . It was not many years since he was a boy in a home where everything was pleasant and happy ; he was the pride of his father and the pet of his mother - their only child - and his every wish was gratified if possible . His father had not been rich , only comfortably off , but he had never wanted for anything . He had been a bright boy in his classes in the public school . His father had intended to educate him for a lawyer ; to that end the boy was not expected to devote himself to anything but study , so he grew up with very little practical knowledge of any kind . He had not improved his opportunities for study as well as he might have done , but he did not realize that yet . At fifteen he was in a fair way to graduate from the High School in one year more , when his education suddenly stopped . The father was killed in a railroad accident , and the little mother , not very strong at the time , never left her bed after the funeral , and in a few short days was lying beside her husband . When the poor stunned boy tried to look around him to see what he should do , they told him that he had no money , and must leave school and go to work . He had taken , as a matter of necessity , the place that was offered to him , but he did not know how to do the work well , and disliked it . When there came an opportunity for a change he changed , and , as is often the case when people try to better themselves , he only made himself worse off , and hated the new work more than the old . So he went from one thing to another , often out of employment , and so surly and haughty in his manner that no one cared to employ him . He awoke one day to the fact that he was a man , twenty - four years old , with no regular employment , and , what was worse , no chance of any work whatever . He had drifted in these years far away from the old home , where he might have had friends to help him . He found himself in this strange city , having spent two weeks in fruitless hunting for something to do ; in debt to the landlady of his miserable little boarding house for his board for those two weeks . What was to be done ? There seemed to be nothing in the world for him to do . He had even condescended to ask one man if he didn 't want his wood sawed , but had received such a sharp " No " from him that he had not the courage to ask any one else . So when he heard Mr . Carleton inquiring for a man to do a little gardening for him , as his gardener was sick , he was glad in a sullen kind of way to accept the offered work . This was his first day at the place , and he had filled his mind with hard , bitter thoughts about himself , his lot , and the injustice of his God to have allowed it all to happen to him . You see it never occurred to this young man that he had brought part of the trouble on himself . " Robert , I haven 't been the sort of mother I ought to have been . I haven 't told you about Jesus and his love . I don 't know what I should do without him now . You must know him , my son , and get ready to die . You will be sure to come to me in heaven , my boy ? " So with his mind full of gloomy thoughts he worked , looked across the lawn and saw the beauty , but took none of it into his soul . As he heard the flutter and twitter above his head he looked up and saw the little robber bird in the act of stealing the coveted cotton . He scowled at the bird , then told himself it was the way of all the world , and that birds might as well bear it as men . He had thought he was alone until little Esther 's troubled voice startled him . He looked up at the balcony where she stood , great sorrowful blue eyes full of tears , watching the distant flutter of wings . He gazed wonderingly up at her until the eyes came back to the nest ; then she caught sight of him . She looked at him a moment , perhaps a trifle surprised to find a stranger there , then she said , still with that horror in her voice : " Here I am , " she said ; " and I have some cotton and some silk rav ' lings from my dollie 's sash - pink and blue . Do you think the birdies would like those , too ? My grandma thought so . " A great time they had arranging them on the branch . Father bird , high up in the branches of the neighboring elm , with his heart in his mouth , watched them , wondering if there was to be an utter destruction of the pretty home he and his wife had labored so hard to make . But perhaps madam - bird saw the pinks and blues and coveted them , for she went and sat very still , beside her husband , looking down , first out of one eye and then out of the other . After eyeing long and anxiously , madam - bird 's love for the beautiful overcame her nervous fears , and she came by various short stages , stopping long at each place , to be sure all was well , to the branch where hung the ravelings of dollie 's sash . She pecked at them once or twice , turned her head to one side , gave a twittering call to her husband , and down he came . Busy and happy they were then , as any two birds could be , weaving in and out the delicate threads , and making such a nest as would make the heart of Yellow Wings ache with jealousy for many a day . Oh ! How happy was little Esther , down behind the cedar - tree , her small hands clasped together with delight , her eyes very large and bright with excitement . Robert Knight stood near , silently watching her . Presently he remembered that his time was not his own , to stand thus and idle away the hours watching this beautiful little creature . He turned with a scowl and was about to go back to his work , but Esther looked at him with a smile . He started . When had any one ever called him nice since his mother used to lay her white hand on his curls and call him her nice boy ? It brought a queer sensation in his throat , but he mastered it and said in a rather gruff voice : " Dowell doesn 't dig quick like that . He goes very slow . I think your way is the nicest . Dowell is cross , sometimes , but Grandma says little girls shouldn 't bother . " Then , after a thoughtful pause , " Do I bother you ? " " Why , then you 're just like me , aren 't you ? I haven 't any mamma here , either . She has gone to heaven . Has your mamma gone to heaven , too ? " What was this young man , who professed to believe in no such thing as heaven , to say to this baby 's question ? He gave a nod which might have meant yes or no , or almost anything else . He couldn 't bring himself to say anything against the heaven which was evidently so real to the little girl . Besides , he felt that , baby though she was , she wouldn 't believe him if he should . But Esther took the nod for yes , and went on . " Was your mamma sorry to leave you all alone , without any Grandpa or Grandma to stay with ? My mamma left me with my Grandma and Grandpa . Grandma says she wanted to take me with her , only Jesus had some work for me to do for him before I went with her , and she said I must do it as quick as ever I could and come to her , for she would be waiting for me . She said I was to comfort Grandma and Grandpa , and bimeby Jesus would give me something to do for him , and I must be very good and do it well - just whatever he wanted me to do ; then when it was done I could come home to her , where Jesus is , and see him . Did your mamma leave some work for you to do ? " She paused , her eager blue eyes looking up into his , confidently expecting an answer , and he did not know what to say . His mother 's last words came to him and kept him from saying no . He stopped work , with one foot on the top of the spade , and looked at her . How was he going to answer such questions ? He could not bring himself to make fun of them . " That 's my nurse , and I must go . She wants to get me ready for dinner now , but I 'm coming out again . You are my new friend , you know , and I like you very much . Good - by . " She was gone , and the young man looked after her with wonder again . She was such a quaint make - up of womanly dignity and childish innocence . The nurse had come to meet her , and in no very soft tone was admonishing her : " Miss Esther , what have you been doing down in the garden , talking to that tramp ? Don 't you know you shouldn 't talk to tramps ? They 're horrid bad men . " " O , no , Sarah ! you are mistaken . He isn 't a tramp ; he is very nice . And besides , his mamma is in heaven , just like mine , and tramps don 't have mammas in heaven . " " I came out to say good - night to the sun , " she said ; " I couldn 't come before , because I went to ride with Grandma and Grandpa , but I 'm coming out to - morrow if it 's a pleasant day . I told my Grandma all about you , and she asked me what your name was , and I had to say I didn 't know . Wasn 't that funny not to know what a friend 's name was ? Won 't you tell me what your name is ? " The queer mixture of woman and baby gleamed from every dimple as she asked this question . " My name is Esther Carleton . Grandpa calls me his little Queen , but Grandma calls me God 's little servant , because , you know , Queen Esther was a servant when she was a queen . Do you know ' bout Queen Esther ? " " Why , you know , she was a queen , and ' Hazuerus was a king . He had a friend who hated some of Esther 's people and wanted to kill them , and he made the king say they should be killed , and God sent word to Esther to go and ask the king not to kill her people , and it was very hard work , and she was afraid to go , fear the king would kill her , too , when he found out she was a relation of those people his friend hated ; but she went , ' cause God told her to , course , and the king didn 't kill her a bit , and he said he would save all those people of hers alive , and so she was God 's servant , ' cause she did just what he told her to do . Have you got a story ' bout your name ? " " The sun has gone , " said little Esther , " and I must go in , for Grandma says the dew begins to fall as soon as the sun gets out of sight . Are you ready to stop now ? Hannah says your supper is ready , and my Grandpa says he wants to see you , and I want to - morrow to hurry and come , so I can watch you make garden . " She put her soft hand in his , and together they went through the long , dark tree - shadows up the winding gravel path to the house , she chattering , he listening . The grandfather , careful that the darling of his heart should have no evil companionship , came out and talked long with the young man . By and by he went in and told the white - haired grandmother that he was interested in the young man and had hired him permanently , for Dowell was getting old and lame , and had told him only that morning that he was afraid he would not be able to do all the work that summer . So , at last , Robert Knight had found permanent work . Nevertheless , in his room over the carriage house , he felt not one whit grateful as he thought it over . The room was large and light and much more comfortable than the one he had been occupying in the miserable boarding house . The meals to which Hannah called him regularly would be deemed luxurious beside those he had been accustomed to having of late , and he could not deny a certain pleasure when he thought of the strange , beautiful little friend . Still he curled his lip over the work he had " come down to , " as he phrased it , and called God hard and unjust - if , indeed , there was a God - which last sentence he never forgot to put in . " Mr . Knight , there is a story ' bout your name . You didn 't know it , did you ? I was telling my grandma ' bout you , and how you didn 't know any story ' bout your name , and she said that perhaps you were a true knight , and if you were you had a story to work out . Then I asked her what a knight was , and she said it was some one who was sent out to do a brave deed , and she told me a beautiful story ' bout a knight who went out to catch a wicked man and shut him up in prison so he couldn 't do any more harm . Are you a knight now , do you suppose ? " " Then I 'll ask my grandma . She knows a great deal . She has a caller now , so I can 't ask her yet , but when we have our lunch I 'll ask her . Won 't that be nice ? " And then the talk drifted into gardening . Little Esther had a great many questions to ask , and wanted to try to spade some for herself . So he held a spade for her , and she put her little white hand into the great round handle , and one small kid shoe on the top of the spade , and pushed and pushed with all her might . Her hat fell off , her face grew very red , and the curls blew into her eyes , but still the stubborn earth would not give way . " Well , well , well , what are we trying to do now ? " came a cheery voice from the shrubbery , and there stood Grandpa , watching and laughing . Esther came down from the spade , her face still very red . " O , Grandpa ! " she said , anxiety and disappointment in her face , " I can 't do it the way Mr . Knight does . The spade is too big . When do you think I 'll be big enough to use a spade ? I want to make a garden so much . " " You may ask your friend here to show you how , and you shall plant just what you want in your garden , " he said indulgently . So , behold , the next morning Esther came to the garden wheeling before her a little red wheelbarrow , and in it a wee hoe and shovel and rake . Robert Knight had orders to show her how to work in the best way , and to take all the time necessary for it . He began to like his work , with Esther beside him every morning . And more and more the afternoons , when he was alone , would be filled with thoughts of how he could get up some surprise or some new work for the little maiden . " My Grandpa says , " she said , one morning , " that kings and queens make people knights and then give them some great work to do . Some of the knights were sent after such silly things , but you are my very good knight , so I will have to send you after some great and beautiful thing . Besides , you know , I 'm God 's little servant , and I must give you something to do that will please him . We 'll think of something nice , Grandma and I , but now you can wait awhile , can 't you ? You might have to go away from me if I found something for you to do right away , you see , and I don 't want you to go away yet . You can wait , can 't you ? If I 'm God 's servant he will show me something nice to send you after by and by . " Some ladies , friends of Mrs . Carleton , tried to remonstrate with her . They told her the child would get all rough and brown working so constantly out in the sun , and that they should think she would be afraid to have her with a strange young man , about whom she knew nothing ; but Grandma and Grandpa were wise , and were looking out for their darling . The ladies were disappointed in one thing . Esther did not grow brown and rough . Her skin was of that rare , clear kind which would not tan or roughen , and so she only grew rosier and lovelier . It was a very hot day , and Esther had been left with Sarah while Mr . and Mrs . Carleton went out to dine . She wandered about from window to window , and out on the porch , but everything was uninteresting , and it was so hot everywhere . She wished she were out under that cool maple with Robert . She knew she would have a good time . The house was dull without Grandma , and Sarah was down in the kitchen ironing . Sarah had told her not to go out of the house until it grew cooler . If Sarah only knew how beautiful it was under that tree she would let her go . She decided to go down to the kitchen and ask her . Down she went , but Sarah was having a discussion with the cook , and did not notice Esther , except to tell her not to lean against the ironing - board or she would be burned . She wandered to the kitchen door . The flowers seemed to be nodding their heads in an afternoon nap , with the trees bending over to fan them . The bees and butterflies went lazily from one flower to another , as though loth to disturb their slumbers . There was a still hum of heat over everything . Robert Knight was coming down the gravel path outside with the wheelbarrow . Esther heard him and her head was turned toward the door . The ironing - board was tipped a little like an inclined plane , as all ironing boards will when one end is mounted on the table and the other end on a chair - back one inch and a half higher than the table . And so the great hot iron , placed at the upper end while Sarah discoursed on the wickedness of Miss O ' Flannigan , came sliding slowly down , hissing and scorching its way as it came , till the soft white arm of little Esther stopped its progress for a moment . Of course they rushed around her to know what was the matter . No one but Knight had seen what had happened . Sarah was fairly frantic , and tried to take her darling from him , but Esther clung to him and he held her fast . It almost seemed as if the burn was his own . He could feel every quiver of pain that went through the little frame as he held her close , and never until then had he realized how she had crept into his heart . Tenderly they bound up the arm , he holding her the while , for she would not leave him , much to the chagrin of her nurse . When the pain was eased and the little arm all carefully shielded , she felt better and asked him to take her out under the pretty shady trees . So they went out , and he stopped all his work and held her in his arms a long , long time . " Why , Mr . Knight , God didn 't let it happen ; I did it myself . Sarah told me not to come near the table , and I came . She told me I would get burned , and I did . God sent me word and I didn 't mind . " " Then you must find him right away , for you can 't be a good knight unless you know Jesus . How can you go on a great errand unless you know him ? You can 't be a brave knight without him , for you won 't have anybody to help you . " She paused , and he looked down at the sad little face , starting to find great tears rolling down her cheeks and dropping thick and fast on his hands . It was anguish to be the cause of those tears . His soul writhed under it . What could he say to comfort her ? The pleading eyes , full of tears , looked up at him for an answer , and he felt it was a solemn thing she asked of him , which if he promised he must surely do , and he waited . His proud spirit could not bear to say yes , and he could not say no to his little queen . They heard the distant grind of the carriage wheels as they turned into the gravel driveway , and Esther put up the little well hand and touched him softly on the cheek . Then Esther was so happy ! The tears all melted into smiles , and she wiped her face vigorously with her wee handkerchief , that Grandma might not think her arm " hurted so very much now . " The carriage came , and Esther , in the arms of her knight , went to tell Grandma and Grandpa all about the burn . She was carried to the house to be petted , and Grandma was heard to remark that she never would leave her again . Robert Knight went to his room and set himself to his strange task . To find God ! This was solemn business . It was not merely his promise to Esther that had stirred his heart to , the depths this afternoon . God 's spirit had been striving with him for some time . The weeks of contact with the lovely life of this trustful little servant of Jesus had softened his heart and set him to thinking . He took up the Bible that had lain untouched on the stand in his room ever since he came there . As he opened it there rushed over him the feeling that he was coming into the presence of the great God , and a sense of his unworthy life filled him with shame . His whole past stood out before him and seemed hateful when he thought that the pure eyes of God were looking upon it . It seemed a hopeless undertaking , this trying to make peace with an angry God , and he felt like giving up all effort ; but little Esther 's troubled face came to his mind , and he remembered he had promised . Back again to his life he went and searched carefully through every detail to see if by any possibility he might find something that would justify him in the eyes of God . He remembered the unkept promise to his dying mother , and fell on his knees beside the chair , crying : " O God , forgive me ! I am very wicked . Forgive me and save me , for Jesus ' sake ! " Over and over again he sent up the same petition , till , worn out by the excitement , he leaned his head against the little table to steady it , and closed his eyes . It was a verse his mother had taught him long before , and he remembered the sense of satisfaction which had filled him that afternoon , that the minister had used his verse ; but no clear idea of the meaning of those words had entered his mind then . Now he began to realize what they meant . It was a promise from God that he would receive him . " Him that cometh , " he slowly repeated . " Why , I have come already , and He must have received me , for He has promised , but , oh ! what shall I do with my wicked , wasted life ? It is just filled with sin from beginning to end . " Yes , he had known that verse a long time , why had it never brought him such joy as it brought now ? But then , he had never before realized what an awful sinner he was . He had often , with his wild companions , sneered at that very verse ; at the idea that the blood of Jesus could help any man ; but now he felt a blessed relief in the thought that Jesus would bear all the burden of the terrible load he had just begun to see had been upon him for years . With his head still bowed he knelt there a long time , trying to tell Jesus all that was in his heart : the humiliation ; the sense of sin ; the sorrow ; and the overwhelming thankfulness that Christ was willing to save such as he . And then , soon , came Esther 's birthday , and she had a party . Nine little girls and ten little boys . They came , their faces shining with the expectation of a good time . How pretty they looked in their dainty dresses and bright sashes flying about among the trees . Madam - bird , just hatching her second brood , sat and watched them , and thought , with a passing bird sigh , how many , many lovely nests all those sashes would make if they were only raveled out . Out under the great elm at the upper end of the lawn , Robert Knight was fixing something about the swing , and around him stood Frankie Elbright , Minnie Haines , Georgie Forbes , and Esther . Little mites they were , with such baby faces , but you should have heard them talk . " Presidents ain 't as big as kings , " said Frankie Elbright . " My papa saw a king once . There ain 't anybody bigger ' n kings . " It was October . The clear , sharp weather had strewn the lawn and carriage drive with crimson and gold from the boughs of the soft maple - trees , which were scattered so plentifully all about the house . Little Esther , in her long white wool cloak and soft white cap , the gold curls blowing in the breeze , looked like a fair leaf herself , as she stooped to pick the crimson beauties from the gravel . She was gathering a bouquet for Grandma . How was it that the great iron gates that guarded the carriage drive had been left open that morning ! Had Patrick forgotten to close them the night before , or was it that some children had been passing that way and stopped to stand on the iron opener for the fun of seeing the gates slowly swing open , moved by their weight ? No one knows . Only the two frantic horses , who fancied they were pursued by the pieces of broken carriage which were attached to them , and which kept hitting their flying heels , saw in that opening a refuge from their enemy , and dashed in . Up the broad drive among the trees , nearer and nearer they came , more maddened by each step , and there was little Esther , stooping down in that gravel drive - way with her back to them , and no one by to watch ! Robert Knight , away at the upper end of the garden , heard their rushing feet , looked up , saw them coining , and saw his little queen just before them . He shouted and ran and made frantic efforts to turn the attention of the furious horses , but he was a long way off and they were close upon his little friend . No one else saw or heard until it was too late . After that nobody seemed to care what other mischief the horses did . Someone caught them - they never knew who - for the servants were all busy rushing here and there after doctors and water and this and that . The doctor came and worked hard and fast for a little time , and by and by the blue eyes opened and looked wonderingly on the group that stood around her . " Jesus has sent for me . I must go pretty soon . Where is my knight ? Grandma , won 't you ask him to come here ? I want to tell him something . " They made way for him , and he went to her bedside . " I 've found out what to tell you to do , Mr . Knight , " she said , with eager voice and shining eyes . " I think an angel whispered it to me just now . I couldn 't think of anything beautiful enough to send you to do , but now I know , and it will please Jesus . You must find some people that don 't know all about Jesus , and don 't know how good he is , and don 't love him , and you must go and tell them all about him . Will you go , Mr . Knight ? " O , Grandma ! " said the little girl , " please don 't cry . I 'm going to my mamma and Jesus . You said my mamma wanted me so , only she left me to do some work for Jesus ; but now my knight is going to do it for me , and so Jesus has sent for me . Please don 't cry , Grandma , dear . You will come so soon , and then we 'll all be in heaven with Jesus . " Now Grandma and Grandpa were getting old , and had been through many sorrows which had at first seemed impossible to bear , but they had found that the Lord had helped them to bear them ; and although this was their last little lamb , and dearer to them than life , and to lose her seemed to them harder than anything that had ever come to them before , yet they remembered that heaven for them was very near , and that the separation could not be for long . So they put their sorrow by and tried to wear bright faces and make the little one 's last hours on earth happy ones . They wanted her to feel glad that she was going to heaven . It was a long , hard afternoon for the three watchers - to feel their darling slipping from them , minute by minute , and not be able to help her ; and yet it was a wonderful afternoon . Not one of them would have been willing to lose a moment of it . The little girl was so happy that she was going home to Jesus . She would talk of heaven , and wonder what it would be like . " Do you think my mamma will come to meet me ? " she asked once . But most of her thoughts were full of her knight and the work he was to do . She charged him many times that he must tell the people how Jesus loved them , and be sure that they all found him . Then her Grandpa made her very happy by promising that all the money which should have been hers should go to help along the work , and so she planned her pretty angel plans until the sun went down behind the cedar hedge and threw a glory over the room . She had just laid her little hand on Robert Knight 's dark , bowed head and said : Robert Knight went out from that room with the feeling that he had watched the gate of heaven open and shut again , taking away the dearest thing in life from him ; but greater than the deep sorrow which he felt was the solemnity which filled him . He had spent an afternoon in a room where God surely was , waiting to take away one of his own and he had seen little Esther 's face when she had said : " I see my Jesus , " and he had felt that she really did . Never again could he be tempted to say there was no God . He knew there was . He had felt his presence . Life was full of a great responsibility that had never been there before . He had been called to a mission , to finish some work for one of Christ 's little ones . How he was to do it he did not know , but it was a precious privilege , and he meant to do it . He would begin by telling of Jesus ' love to all who came in his way . He walked out of the front door and down that awful gravel road where only a few short hours before the life and brightness of the house had been , so glad and well ; and now she was gone . It was a dreadful thought , but with it also came the remembrance that she was with Jesus , and how glad she had been to go . He shuddered as he crossed the spot where the horses had done their fearful work , and stepped into the grass , just under the maple - tree where madam - bird had first introduced them . Deep down in the velvety grass , close by the tree trunk , cold and still , its little feet stretched stiffly up to the branches overhead , its bright black eyes glazed over , lay little madam - bird , dead . Poor little bird ! He picked her up , with the sad feeling of how Esther would grieve , and instantly came the remembrance that she was where she would never grieve again . As he carried the little bird tenderly out to the garden to bury it in the flower bed she had so loved , he remembered the poem she had learned only a little while before , and recited to him , all about a little sparrow , and how the Heavenly Father knew when one fell to the ground . The blinding tears came thick as he worked , but he knew now that the Heavenly Father cared for him , too . In the course of the next day he was sent for by Mr . Carleton . He went in , supposing that he was wanted to go on some special errand , but the old man called him into the library and made him sit down . The tears were streaming down his cheeks , his voice was husky and broken , he walked the floor nervously back and forth , his hands behind him , his head bent over . Presently he broke out : " Knight , we would like to have you take up your education just where you left off . Wife and I have been talking it over and we think it would please the little girl . We would like to have you think it over . It would be the best thing you could do , if you mean to carry out the commission she gave you . It would please her " - Two people were passing the Carleton home one day , and one said to the other : " That little Esther Carleton is dead . Doesn 't it seem a pity that she didn 't die when her mother did ? Then the old people wouldn 't have missed her so . It is said that they are very lonely . I wonder why such little things are allowed to live at all , if they are not to grow up . Her life was only long enough to have those miss her who have had all the care and trouble of her bringing up . " Away out in the Western part of our country , where the people are very poor , and live in log houses - where they have hard work to keep soul and body together out of their scanty farms - stands a little church , neat , pretty and comfortable . The sun shines on the white spire , and it reflects a welcome to all the country round , while the bell in the steeple calls many to the house of God . There Robert Knight preaches and teaches , and little Esther 's money is helping to bring people to Jesus . Up in Heaven , among the angels , I doubt not she is watching . |
. . . was not from me . I was at our one base of operations the entire time , the same one that Lucien was brought to back in October . The post was made mid - afternoon . I traced the IP address from the post , and it came to this same computer that I currently use . The message was definitely garbled up , as you can obviously tell . However , one thing is almost undoubtedly certain to me . But if the IP address came from my own computer , and I was here the entire time , only one possibility exists , and this also fits in with my theory of what happened to him . I have asked the sage Ryuu for assistance on this , and hopefully with her knowledge , I can find out the truth behind the mysterious post . I only wish I could understand more of it . The only clear - cut words were " help me " , " don 't kno " ( obviously " don 't know " ) , " I am " , " after me " , " can 't esca " ( most likely " can 't escape " ) , " sees me " , and " help " . In other news , another video was posted to OutOfTheLie . However , this video was directed at myself . All of this happening now , plus we are finding more sightings of The Threat popping up among people around the world . Not only children and people similar in age to Lucien , but older people are starting to see him too . They are only telling a few people ( thankfully , some of those people are members of the SIA ) , because they are afraid that nobody would believe them . I started going back through some of Lucien 's old posts recently , as well as looking at which blogs he followed . I thought that maybe if I read any of the old blogs that had other Fighters and Runners dealing with The Path , I might find a clue as to what could have happened to him . Things weren 't really getting anywhere . But then , something I read in a few blogs caught my eye . I won 't mention it yet , because I 'm not sure if this is the answer or not . Actually , two problems . The first problem is in regards to the video that OutOfTheLie posted . I have managed to decode the audio distortion , and this is what is being said : " Oh , Lucien , you think you 've escaped . But just because you 've entered The Path does not mean you 've gotten away . I promise you this : when you return , you will be mine . For everything you 've done , you will not get away with it . I guarantee it . Happy Thanksgiving , my friend . Hahahahahahaha . " The second problem , however , is something even worse . December 1st was to be Lucien 's last day in The Path , having been in there for one full month . So on December 2nd ( Friday ) , I went into The Path myself to find him and bring him home . Afterall , it 's hard to tell the concept of time in there . However , I was not able to find him . I searched all through Friday and Saturday , but I couldn 't find Lucien anywhere . The only things I were able to find , and this is why I 'm afraid for him , were two of the three constants : the hoodie and the ring . There is a good chance that he may be lost to us now . It has been nearly three weeks since Lucien entered The Path to test the theory . I went in about a week ago to check on him , see if he 's still alive and himself . He seemed to be doing alright . I left a small gift of food for him , so he wouldn 't go hungry . It should last him another couple of weeks , if he remains in there that long . I will check up on him again in that amount of time . I also saw The Threat while I was walking through . He was definitely not in a mood to be dealt with . He seemed frantic and more agitated than usual . I don 't know if it 's because The Threat cannot do anything to Lucien while he remains in The Path with his constants , or if it 's due to other runners and fighters getting out of His reach . Either way , He is not one to mess with at this point , even moreso than ever . Donnie is off again , searching for more information on The Threat . Lobo has chosen to attempt to reach other fighters and runners , see if he can persuade them to join us and our cause . I cannot list anymore specifics than that , as to not compromise their missions . As for myself , I shall remain here , monitoring the web for any clues , any people who could assist us , and checking in on Lucien . So far , it seems the theory is proving true . This is it . I 'm all prepared now . I have everything I need to go and test my theory . I even have three constants with me to keep me safe : the black half - mask , the hoody that Brittany left for me , and the engagement ring I gave to Kelley . I said goodbye to my parents , recorded a final video for my youtube channel . Finale There doesn 't seem to be anything left for me to do . For all of you bloggers out there , keep safe . Don 't give up running , fighting , researching , whatever it is you are doing in the battle against Him . Have faith that I will return . For in my return , the theory will be proven true , and we will have a new hope in survival . I have given Donnie , Lobo and The Count the information to my blog / youtube , so if there is anything important that needs to be told , they will do it for me . No matter what happens , they will always be there to keep watch on the rest of you . Guess it 's time to make my final stand , to try and be a hero . I 've taken a decent amount of time to think over everything that Lobo , Donnie , and The Count have told me . The main thing was the choice of trying to prove the theory true , or simply forgetting it and doing my own thing still . I had to think over everything I 've been through as well in the past nine months . Nine months ago , I was in a happy relationship . I learned about this thing called Slenderman , and I wanted to go out and prove whether He was real or simply a story . Immediately , I started having strange dreams , finding notes in my car , and my girlfriend getting sick . I was even attacked by both Slenderman and a proxy . Eight months ago , I had a dream that would later prove to be almost prophetic in nature . I got in touch with Donnie for the first time to start investigating people who survived being taken by Him when they were kids . I was attacked by another proxy , who seemed to be trying to stop me from investigating the lake near me . I spoke with Diana , who still seemed to be under His control . Seven months ago , I saved a fellow runner from a proxy , though she still was somewhat under His control . She regained enough to leave for me and my sister 's protection . Somebody started responding to my youtube videos that I uploaded . One of my videos became distorted . I also found the black half - mask for the first time on my face . I was chased through NYC by His tentacles . I received my first contact from The Count . I made my confession of who I really am , and my dark past with my ex . Six months ago , I continued having strange dreams , and worked on figuring out the clues left for me by The Count . Donnie tells me that the FBI have taken over all the missing person cases in town . Five months ago , Diana was killed , so I could no longer access her for information . I determined from The Count 's clue that I somehow entered The Path of Black Leaves as a child and survived being in there . Donnie faked his death to escape the FBI 's grasp . I received his files on the Slenderman cases he has investigated . My girlfriend found out she was pregnant , and I proposed to her . She said yes . The person responding to my youtube videos has stalked my fiancee and kidnapped her . Four months ago , I learn it was my ex fiancee from a few years ago that kidnapped her . I confront Sam ( the ex ) to save Kelley ( the fiancee ) . Kelley is stabbed and has a miscarriage , and The Count saves us from being killed , though Sam escapes . I finally figure out who The Count is , but Kelley discovers that I 've been hiding the entire Slenderman situation from her . Three months ago , Kelley killed herself . The FBI begins coming after me , so I leave home . I first travel to New York and discover there was another man with the same name as me . There are a number of similarities between me and him , but only the presence of The Count in our lives truly links us . Two months ago , escape the grasp of the FBI again . Discover I have lost time and find a video on my camera I did not record . Encountered Dr . Cairo Zelphest who managed to find out where a surviving member of the original Lucien 's family lived . Travelled down south to Georgia , lost the FBI after driving through the hurricane . One month ago , reconnected with an ex girlfriend , Brittany , who said she would travel with me . Met Lucien 's sister , who told me the idea of a constant was true . Gave me hers , but was attacked by Him and killed immediately after . Received a false clue that took me and Brittany to The Black Forest . We discussed settling down together after getting out of the forest . Found a village of proxies that both Brittany and I had dreamed about . Encountered Sam again , who killed Brittany . I responded by temporarily going insane . I killed Sam , imagined I killed several other proxies . This final month , encountered Donnie in the forest , who helped me escape and explained why he faked his death . Headed back home after receiving a farewell message from Brittany . Attacked by the FBI again , knocked unconscious . Find out Lobo of the FBI was undercover . Learn of the SIA , a somewhat origin story of proxies , and of the theory that could turn the tide . I mean , what can happen ? Either I prove it true and I survive , or it is false and I die . One choice can help us all , the other means I 'll finally escape the pain and memories I feel . Seems to be a win / win situation to me . But I have to do this . The Count : A long time ago , I first discovered The Path when I was trying to figure out exactly what The Threat was . I travelled in there and was immediately overcome with pain . I stayed in there for almost 2 weeks , and I was still alive , but my body was broken . I noticed Him come in and out with people , and sometimes people would enter without Him even leading them . Most of them were children , the others were people around your age . They would barely last a week in there . Their bodies would not only break , but completely break down . There would be nothing left of them afterwards , except for a swirling white mass . I determined this to be their souls . The Count : Precisely . But the souls wouldn 't disappear . They just continued to float around The Path aimlessly . I left in order to recover my body . I realized that because of this , well , you can call it either a blessing or curse , I wasn 't able to die , so I would be safe in there . I returned about a month later , after following another child in there . I observed the child 's body break down , the soul emerge . I didn 't do anything because I didn 't want to attract His attention . Over the course of two weeks watching this one soul , it 's coloring slowly began to change from white to black . Later on , I observed The Threat take that soul and place it into the body of another person . After that , the person who had the soul put into him was never the same again . I left The Path after that , and I haven 't returned since , except on the occasion that I choose to save somebody . The Count : He was basically a servant of The Threat after that . I went to his family to see if I could console them in their loss , but it seemed that they had no memory of him anymore . After witnessing all of this , I decided to name those souls lost and alone on The Path , " The Forgotten . " The Count : He didn 't spend as much time in there in one shot , just several short periods of time . His body was damaged several times , but never destroyed . However , with all the time he did spend in there , it did do quite a number to his mind . That 's why , in his final days , he just became more and more mentally unstable : too much time spent in The Path . The Count : Exactly . I believe that the idea of a constant extends beyond just protecting you from Him and His influence . If one truly believed enough that an item could protect them from all harm , I think it could protect one from the damaging effects of The Path as well . You 're the only person who has tried this , even though it was unknowing at the time , and you did survive . This is why you are special , Luke . You entered The Path , and you survived . This is the information we need . Sadly , it may come at a great price . The Count : To find out if this really will work , I must ask of you the ultimate sacrifice : enter The Path with a constant , and see if it truly protects you . I know you have one on you . You wore it during your last days in The Black Forest . And it is still in your pocket right now . At this point , I reach into my back pocket , and I pull out the black half - mask that 's been with me for several months . I realize that he might be right . I did think for awhile that this mask was protecting me ; I felt safe with it on . The Count : I don 't need an answer right away . Think it over , very carefully . I just hope that in the end , you help us in the SIA out in gaining this vital piece of information . So now , I have a choice to make . Do I make the sacrifice asked of me , or do I just forget about this happening ? I certainly have a lot to think about . Each of the three men who were with me said they had something to share with me . Agent Lobo and Donnie wanted to talk to me before I spoke with the Count . They said he wasn 't going anywhere now , so I didn 't have to worry about tracking him down again . Lobo : We had Fitzsimmons body in the trunk , and you were in the backseat . We temporarily disguised you so you wouldn 't be recognized . As for Fitzsimmons , well , you deserve to know the truth . Afterall , that 's what your blog is about , isn 't it ? Delving " into the truth " ? Lobo : The truth is , the three of us : me , Donnie , and the Count , we are all on the same side . There is a large group of us all over the world . For about 70 or so years , we have been researching Slenderman , trying to trace his origin , find a weakness , just get any sort of information on him that we could . Our grandparents were the first generation to start doing so , led by the Count . Donnie : Similar to that . We are called the SIA , or the Slenderman Intelligence Agency . We try not to make any direct contact with what we have come to call as The Threat . We just do everything we can in order to gain intelligence on him . Afterwards , we seek out those who do have or seek direct contact , try to guide them on the right path and relay whatever information we have on them . We do this in hopes of finding somebody who may finally destroy him . Lobo : That , you need to ask The Count about directly , why he wanted you . After what we 've seen , you are extremely intelligent , constantly seeking a way to end The Threat , and have done quite enough research through what you have been given to learn things on your own . We could definitely use somebody like you in the SIA . Me : So I take it you 're part of them as well ? Lobo : Yes , and there are a few others as well . We keep ourselves well hidden in different government agencies . They are the best places to gather information that they don 't want the general public to see . Afterall , even though it 's not directly related to our target , how do you think that most of the general public found out some of the truths behind The Wyoming Hijacking ? Donnie : I had to keep quiet . We couldn 't risk our group being discovered . Then again , we never settle in the same area for too long . We have HQs all across the world , linked by a very well - protected internet server . We have men on the clock making sure it can 't be hacked into by anybody , and they are constantly updating everything to make sure we are always at top security level . Lobo : We would love to have him with us , but he is too independent . He would disregard us and continue to work on his own . Me : So , you 're mainly on intel . I guess that means you have no connection with the PTC ? Lobo : Those trigger - happy weirdos ? Not at all . Granted , I respect all they did in trying to gather information on them , but at the same time , they weren 't as secure as they thought . We had a guy in there as well , sending us everything they learned . We wouldn 't have minded working with them : us as the intel and them as the muscle . But it seems that they are no longer around , so I guess we 're the only one now . Donnie : That 's everything we can tell you . The rest you need to know , you 'll learn from The Count . So , the SIA . They have been interested in having me join them . This is why the chase and everything . To see if I was , in a manner of speaking , " worthy " of joining them . But why did they want me , specifically ? Been out cold since Tuesday night , finally came back to consciousness a few hours ago . Donnie and I headed back to Jersey a few hours after I received Brittany 's message . Been wearing the hoodie she bought me since then . I refuse to take it off except for when I need to shower or something . We crossed the border into New Jersey just after 1pm on Tuesday . We only made stops when we switched drivers , got gas , food , or had to hit the rest stop . At around 3pm , we were only about an hour away from where we needed to go when I noticed a black van directly behind us , gaining speed . Immediately , I told Donnie to floor it . I knew who it was behind us . Donnie refused to go any faster , though . " If we get pulled over by any cops , and they see me . . . well , remember , I 'm supposed to be dead . Things will get suspicious , especially since I 'm with you . " So he just kept up the speed we were going . I admit , I was a little nervous with the way he was reacting to this . We continued heading north on the NJ Turnpike , and as we got near the Newark Airport ( maybe a half hour away from where we were heading ) when all of a sudden , the van rear - ended us . We started spinning out of control , until Donnie finally managed to regain control of the wheel and pulled us off to the shoulder . The van pulled up right behind us , and there they were : Lobo and Fitzsimmons . At least this time , I wasn 't outnumbered . I had Donnie by my side , and I wasn 't going down without a fight . Both of them walked towards us , and Donnie and I just stood our ground . Suddenly , I felt something heavy connect with the back of my head . As I fell to the ground , I noticed Donnie holding a baseball bat . At the same time , before I lost consciousness , I stared up at Lobo and Fitzsimmons . Fitzsimmons had a look of shock on his face , and as he fell to the ground , I saw Lobo holding a bloody knife in his hand , with a smile on his face . When I came to earlier , I found myself in a familiar room . I got up out of the bed and walked into the hallways , and I immediately recognized the place . A place I hadn 't been to in 10 years . It was my old house . The house that my parents raised me and my two sisters in . This is exactly where I thought The Count was referring to when he said to " return home . " I walked down the stairs , reminiscing about the memories this place held , and I saw three people sitting in the living room : Donnie , Lobo , and a third man I had seen only one time . Before I could say anything , Donnie told me that there was food waiting for me in the kitchen , and after I ate and regained some more strength , they would sit me down and explain everything . I just finished eating , and I told them I needed to update on here so people knew I was ok . Now I 'm about to find out what all of this travelling around was really for . I did what I said I would . I went to see Brittany 's father . When he let me in the house , the first words out of his mouth were , " You 're by yourself . I guess that means Brittany will not be coming back . She said this might happen . " I just looked at him with surprise . " You mean , she knew she wouldn 't be returning ? " He replied by saying , " Yeah . She told me that she knew what she was getting into by travelling with you . She didn 't give me many details , saying it was better that way . She did tell me that if you came back to tell me this , to give you something . " He left the room for a moment , and when he came back , he was carrying a box with him . " I never opened it , " he said , " because she said it was for your eyes only . I hope that whatever she left you is worthwhile . Please , stay here for a little bit and open it . " He left the room again , giving me the privacy to open the box . When I did , the only thing I found in there was a hoodie from the college that she went to : The University of Georgia . My size , too . She always said she wanted to buy one for me , just so I had something with me to remind me of her . I put it on and it fit perfectly . I put my hands in the pocket , and I felt a piece of paper . I pulled it out of the pocket . It was a letter to me . If you are reading this letter , that means the worst happened in Germany . Please , whatever happened , don 't blame yourself . I knew I was getting myself into a terrible situation , but I chose to go anyway . I went with you because I still loved you . I never stopped . Don 't ever forget that , and don 't forget me . Keep my memory alive by continuing your fight . Don 't let Him get you down , and don 't give up . You 're special . The Count sees that , Kelley saw that , and so did I . I 'm sure that somehow , you 'll survive everything and live a happy life . I 'm just sad that I won 't be able to enjoy it with you . Don 't worry about taking Will with you , since knowing you , that 's what you want to do . You don 't want to get him involved with all of this , so the safest bet is to leave him here with my dad . Good luck in everything , Lucien . I started tearing up after reading this . She loved me , even after all the time after we broke up . And everything she said was true . I can 't give up after coming so far . Whatever the end of my journey is , I have to reach that end . Whether it results in Him killing me , the FBI killing me , or me even managing to find something to help us defeat Him , I have to play this hand all the way through . There 's no going back . Today , I 'm heading over to Brittany 's father 's house . I have to tell him about what happened to her . Also , I need to tell her son something as well . I 'm not sure if I can tell him the truth . But I have to tell him something as to why his mother is not going to be around anymore . I 'm sure I 'll figure out something . As for The Count , I think I do know what you mean on " returning home . " I believe I know exactly where to go . I only pray that this is not another trap , or that this whole chase has been for nothing . You know , it has been nine months since I started this whole thing . Originally , I just wanted to investigate Him and discover the truth . Now , I 've lost two people that I have loved , almost lost my sister , lost a good friend ( in Sammie ) , and who knows what else I may lose as I continue to go further . On the other hand , I have made several good friends . People who are like me : running and fighting against the same enemy . Their strength , their conviction , that has helped to keep me strong , but how long can I continue this ? There are times that I simply wish I could forget all this happened , even though that means losing my friends . You know , maybe if I forgot all about what has happened to me , forgot all about Him , maybe I 'd be safe . Maybe I wouldn 't be living in fear of losing those I care about . Donnie and I arrived back in Georgia last night . Caught up on sleep after the jet - lag hit me . On the flight back here , we had a conversation on what Donnie has been up to these past few months . Donnie : It 's pretty obvious , isn 't it ? I had to do it to throw the FBI off my trail . I 'm sorry that it ultimately sent them after you . Donnie : After seeing all my files , you realize that I knew all about you and Slenderman . I 've been researching him for a long time , actually . My father did too , while he was alive . My trail grew cold until I discovered you were a Fighter . Donnie : After I faked my death , I noticed that your ex was still following you . After you fled the state , she did the same , but in a different way . She booked herself a flight to Germany . I wanted to know what she was up to , and I eventually followed her into the forest . I found the village , and I saw all the proxies there . However , there was one building where a bunch of people , wearing no masks , were being locked up and under supervision . Me : You mean , there were people there like you that weren 't proxies ? Donnie : No , and I planned on trying to free them , or find out what was going to happen to them . The two people that were with me when we escaped were the only ones I managed to save . They chose to remain behind and try to save any others that were brought there . Donnie : They were brought into the church , one by one . A strange type of mass was held each time . Sam was presiding over each one . I couldn 't understand what they were saying , though I think it may have been in Latin . All I know is that at the end of each mass , Slenderman would appear in front of each victim . He would lean over them , and a strange , swirling , black mass would appear between the two of them . He would then lean back , and the black mass would enter the victim 's mouth . After that , the person was never the same . He was Hallowed out after that . Donnie : Not a clue , but whatever it was , that seemed to be the cause of the Hallowing out there in the forest . When you arrived , I couldn 't believe my eyes . I never expected you to get there , and once you killed Sam , the masses had stopped for the moment . I 'm guessing that maybe He needs an Agent to perform the mass , not just a regular proxy . Donnie : Well , you need to find The Count , still . I 'm going to help you . I also have to get in touch with somebody myself . Hopefully , we 'll get that all taken care of , then perhaps we can get back to somewhat of a normal life . I had no luck the other day , trying to get out of the village . Same problem no matter what : I leave , no matter what direction , and I come right back to where I left . The last time I came back , though , something strange happened . Actually , two things . First , I sat down outside of the church , and I felt something in my back pocket . I reached into it , and I couldn 't believe what I found . It was the black half mask that kept following me around several months ago . I never packed it with me , nor did I carry it with me at all during this . I 'm not sure what kind of sign this is , but I 'm taking advantage of it . I put the mask on , so that if I ran into other proxies , I wouldn 't be discovered . Right after I did this , a group of three proxie came from inside the church . They stopped right next to me , looked me up and down , and then the tallest of the three spoke . " You aren 't one of them , are you ? " I looked shocked , and nodded my head . The second , a female , said , " Listen , you can still get out of here , before anything else happens . We can take you out of here . Just follow us , and don 't say a word . " I did as she said , and I followed them into the church . We went down a set of stairs into the basement , and we came to a wall with giant curtains over it . The third proxy moved the curtains , and there was a tunnel hidden behind it . " Follow this , it will take you back to Frankfurt . " The female spoke again . " We hear His voice in our heads , but He doesn 't have us yet . We want to help you get out , so you don 't give in . " The third replied , " You only killed the one you call Sam . Everything else you believe you did , it was all part of His game . He wanted to break you , make you His next favorite . But you managed to break his influence when you broke down and cried . He is really angry , and He will not give up until he gets you . Get out of here now , while you can . " I decided to go into the church after all the proxies left . Brittany stayed outside on watch . I didn 't find anything of interest , except finding the seats we were in during the dream we had . All of a sudden , I heard Brittany scream , so I ran back outside . There was somebody holding a gun to her head . I saw the face and cringed in fear . It was Sam , my ex . She proceeded to tell me she was the one who left the false clue on my blog as to where I should go . Sam offered me one last chance to join her and the tall one , or else myself , and all those I cared about would die . I told her to go to hell , that I never would . Even Brittany told her to fuck off . As soon as she said that , Sam pulled the trigger . Brittany fell to the ground , lifeless . Having seen Sam kill Kelley 's unborn child , Morningstar 's attempt at killing Kay , and now this , I just snapped . I took out one of my throwing knives and just launched it . It caught Sam right in the eye . As she screamed in pain , I pulled out my sword from the cane , ran at her , and just ran it right through her . Within moments , Sam fell to the ground , dead . I couldn 't believe I had just killed a person for the first time in my life . But after a little bit , something in my head told me it was right . As I realized I had no chance at escaping the village , I told myself that if I was trapped here forever , I might as well make the best of it . Every proxy I saw , I killed . I had no concern for them , even though they are still human . I could never bring back Brittany or Kelley , I thought that I could at least lower the number of enemies for myself and the other fighters / runners still out there . With each person I killed , the more blood that was on myself and my sword , the more I wanted to kill . In the end , if it wasn 't for the comment left for me by Hylocereus , mentioning Brittany , Kelley and Kay , I don 't think I ever would have snapped out of that craze . Thank you , Hylo , for helping me there . I gave Brittany a proper burial yesterday , even putting up a makeshift headstone for her . The one thing I 'm scared for now , if I ever get out of here : what am I going to tell her father and son about what happened to her ? How am I gonna tell them that Brittany was killed because of me ? As scared as I am , I need to tell them . Get out of here , tell them something . Besides , I owe something to Brittany . Somebody needs to raise her son . I told her I would do so with her . Now , I have to be the single parent . If I get out of here , I will be a father to Will , and tell him how brave his mother was . Today , I 'm going to try and search for a way out of the village , out of this forest . I promise , Brittany . I won 't let anything happen to Will . Somehow . Why did I do this ? What have I become ? Kelley , Brittany , I didn 't mean for me to get like this . I only thought I was helping you . I thought I was avenging you , avenging my loss . The more I kill , the less we deal with . The more I kill , the more I enjoy it . The more the blood is spilled , the more I smile . Oh how I love the blood all over my hands . None of my weapons ever tasted the ruby water that drowns them before . Now they have , and they just want more . There was a village , smack dab inside of the Black Forest . It looked like one of those old pilgrim villages from the 17th century . The buildings were all made of wood , there was a town square , a church , everything you could think of . We started walking through it a little bit , and all of a sudden , it hit me . This village , or at least the church , looked very familiar , and I realized why , as well as why all the trees in the forest looked familiar as well . The church and the trees are the exact same from the dream I had in that entry . I felt my entire body turn white . I turned over to Brittany , and she looked scared as well . " I 've been here before , " she said , " in a dream several months ago . I was in the church talking to somebody when I was attacked by Him . " I responded with more of a sickening reaction . " Oh , shit ! " I exclaimed . " I had that dream too , where I was talking to somebody in the church and she was attacked . " We realized we both had the same dream and were the ones talking to each other . Suddenly , the doors to the church opened and a large group of people started walking out . All of them were wearing masks . This definitely was the proxy village from my dream . It makes sense that it would be in the Black Forest . Big mistake . It was the proxy village again . Somehow we went in a full circle and ended up back where we came . No idea how this happened , so we tried again . Same result . No matter how many times we left the village , we kept coming right back to it . A case of a Slendy mind - screw ? Most likely . No idea how we are getting out of here , but we will find a way . Lucien back here , and not in the best shape . Before taking the train , we stopped off in a few shops just outside of Frankfurt . Found a quaint little shop that sold a nice selection of weapons . Bought myself a new sword - cane and a few throwing knives . For safety , of course . Brittany and I have been in the Black Forest since Tuesday . It 's strange , we still get internet service in here . But it 's not really helping us at all . We 've been wandering in here , the food supply we brought in is getting low . For some reason , we can 't access any maps or GPS or anything on the internet , and we can 't remember the path we took to get in here . Just great , we 're lost in a maze of creepy looking trees . Yet , these trees seem very familiar to me . Not like I 've seen them in pictures or anything . More like , I 've walked past them or something . Maybe a dream or something , I don 't know . Haven 't been sleeping right these past few nights either . Between the trees , the low food , and being lost , I guess you can say I 'm scared of something coming out at us . Whether it 's an animal , proxy , or Him , if anything comes after us out here , chances are that even with my weapons , I probably don 't have the strength to really fend anything off . Hey guys , it 's Brittany here . Lucien is sleeping right now in the bed of our hotel room . He looks so cute while he 's sleeping . Anyway , he gave me the information to his blog so I could log in and update you . We got to Frankfurt International Airport early on Saturday , and we 've spent the past couple of days just doing a little bit of sightseeing . He 's been so exhausted , though . I 'm guessing it 's because he 's never been on a plane before and never experienced jetlag . We 're gonna do some more sightseeing today , and then tomorrow , we 're taking a train to Baden - Württemberg , the German state where The Black Forest is located . I called my dad last night to check up on Will ( my son ) . He 's doing well , though he 's missing me . I 've never been more than a day away from him . I miss the little guy too . I can 't wait til we can go home and see him again . That 's right , I said WE . Lucien and I had a conversation last night about what was going to happen when we were done here in Germany . He said he was going to finish looking for The Count , and hope that he doesn 't get killed by anybody coming after him . I told him I just wanted to go home to my son . He said he 'd love to join me , but doesn 't want to put me in any danger . I told him after everything I went through with my ex - husband , danger didn 't bother me anymore . We both began talking about the rough situations we had with our exes , and he even started crying when he brought up Kelley . It really must be hard when your unborn child is killed in front of your eyes , and then the person you love kills themself . At this point , we were holding each other in the bed , just cuddling . I looked at him after and I asked him if he wanted to come home with me when this was done . I admitted that I never stopped caring about him after we ended things , and he said he felt the same way . Its just that a long distance relationship was difficult for both of us . Ultimately , I told him I still loved him and said I wanted him to come with me , to be a father to Will . He said he would love to . He just hopes that he 'll never bring any danger to either of us . So now , both of us are gonna get what we want : I 'm going to get a father for my son , and he 's gonna get a loving family of his own . This is what happens when I leave home and can 't help my family anymore . One of those sick proxy bastards launches an attack on my sister , and creates a piece of emotional damage that she possibly won 't be able to handle . And I can 't return there , because I guarantee that Lobo and Fitzsimmons ( if they survived the hurricane ) would expect me to go back there and help her . Either I stay away and keep myself safe , but ignore what 's happening to my sister , or I return to help her and risk both of us being taken by the FBI . Brittany reminded me of the early post from Noah in the vlog Tribe Twelve , the interview he had with his grandfather . Something is in those woods that kills people . It may be a base of operations for Him , it may simply be a place he lurks due to all the trees . There must be a reason that The Count wants me to go there , but I can 't think of any . He 's been helping me all this time , why send me to a place that will most likely kill me ? Monday , August 29th , I ended up down in Georgia . This is where the information Dr . Cairo gave me said I would find Lucien Drage 's family ( it still feels weird saying that name without referring to myself ) . Before I went to find them , I hit up an old friend of mine that lived a few towns over . An ex girlfriend of mine , Brittany . We dated long distance for about 6 months before I started going out with Kelley . I rang her doorbell , and she was surprised to see me . We had only met one time in person , and only really chatted online through Skype and such afterwards . This was our first time meeting , just the two of us . It was the happiest moment I had in a while . She asked me what I was doing , and I told her I was on vacation . She pulled me inside the house , closed and locked the doors . Brittany : You don 't have to pull these games , Lucien . I 've been following your blog , somewhat . After what happened to Kelley , I refused to read , not wanting to see how hurt you were . B : You know , I actually know of the family , the Drages . Very quiet , keep to themselves . Even when they go out in public , never talk to anybody . B : The parents died a few years ago . One of their daughters married and moved away that same year . The other daughter still lives in that house , along with her two children . Me : Well , one daughter is still there . That 's more than enough for me . I need to talk to her . B : I 'll take you over there tomorrow . Tonight , we celebrate . It 's been over a year since we Skyped , over 2 since we first met . This is definitely cause for a fun night . And by fun night , Brittany meant we would watch Harry Potter with her five year old son , followed by Mario Kart . For the first time since I proposed to Kelley , I was actually smiling . We had such a great time . That night , I fell asleep in a real bed . Of course , it was the same bed as Brittany ( nothing happened ) . We spent most of the night talking until we both fell asleep in each other 's arms . I feel a little guilty for even doing that after what happened with Kelley . The next day , Brittany drove me out to the Drage residence . She left to go check on her son . I told her I would call once I was finished . I walked up the steps to the old house . Seemed kinda creepy . As I was about to ring the doorbell , the door opened up . An older woman answered , but I was in a state of shock . Except for her looking older , she reminded me exactly of my sister Kay . Woman : I know what they said . What do they know ? You and I are both smarter . We know who killed him . Now get your ass inside before anybody spots you . So I get inside . The woman introduces herself as Kendall ( funny , same first initial as Kay ) . She tells me that her parents were murdered in the same way , and that her sister left for fear of the same thing happening to her . The next thing she told me was very intriguing . She went on to explain that her constant was actually a dagger . It was given to her by Lucien before he was committed to the hospital . However , she said she wanted me to have it . When I asked her why , she said it would do me better than it did her . She went off to fetch it , and I called Brittany to tell her that I was just about done there . When Kendall came back she handed me a black box . Inside , she said was the dagger . She made me promise to keep it safe and never lose it . K : You know , you really do look exactly like Lucien . Maybe you are him reborn , here to avenge your own death , or to help others escape the fate you once had . I left the house and saw Brittany 's car pull up . As I walked towards it , I heard an ear - piercing scream come from behind me . I turned back to the house , and I see Kendall 's body being shoved out the window . Attached to her throat is a black tentacle . I swiftly get into Brittany 's car and tell her to drive . She speeds on out of there and away from that house . I stayed with Brittany for another day , and I told her that I had to leave . I couldn 't endanger her anymore than I already had . I didn 't know where I was going from there , but I had to leave before something hurt her . That 's when she said something that both made me happy and scared . I finally lost Lobo and Fitzsimmons . I owe thanks to two big things that happened : the earthquake on Tuesday , and the hurricane this past weekend . I was in Virginia on Tuesday when the earthquake happened , and though some people may say it was dumb , I drove close to where the epicenter was . I was hoping to find a fissure or something in the ground that would open up even more , and although I didnt lose them , it did manage to slow them down . They caught up to me again down in the Carolinas , but again , I managed to throw them off my trail . The downside , however , is how I managed to do so . The hurricane got my car . I was in one of the streets in Charlotte , and the hurricane was moving pretty fast . I hadn 't seen them for about an hour , and I hoped to speed through the state to get past the hurricane . Things didnt exactly work that way . I started to see the flooding and the waves from the ocean moving in . I did the only smart thing that I could during that : I grabbed what I could from my car , abandoned it , and made my way to higher ground . I got up to the 3rd floor of a nearby apartment building . I looked out the big glass window to see my car floating down the street . I had to get rides on the highways from strangers to keep moving , but I managed to make it to where I need to be . Going to follow up on my lead tomorrow . As for tonight , I 'm paying a visit to a friend of mine . At least , I hope she is still living down here . So , I did have my meeting with the runner I mentioned in my last post . The meeting was on Friday night , August 19th . Location will still be kept secret , though it was somewhat on the road in New Jersey . As for the identity of the runner , I 'm sure that you will all know this person . as I 've mentioned him before : Dr . Cairo Zelphest . It seems Cairo has been on the run himself and found his way out to Jersey . He met up with a couple of other fighters , including Evan of EveryManHybrid fame , and another fighter who goes by the name of Hellershanks . He recorded his interactions with the two of them , as well as when he got in my car . It was scary , because just before I found Cairo , Lobo and Fitzsimmons found me . I was maybe 20 minutes or so away from where Cairo wanted me to meet him , when I noticed that there was a black van right behind me . I was suspicious at first , but didnt think much because last time I saw them , they were driving a black car . My suspicions became true when I noticed the van speeding up and right on my bumper . Looking back in my mirror , I saw Fitzsimmons driving . I started speeding up and doing my best to avoid them catching me . I 'm normally a cautious driver , but this time , I threw caution to the wind . I slammed on the gas and got myself to the highway . I basically had to keep getting on and off the highway , speeding down side streets in towns I was not familiar with , doing whatever I could to avoid both the FBI and local cops . It took me almost an hour to finally lose them , and at that point I finally found Cairo . I motioned him to get in the car , and just sped off immediately . This link is the meetings he had with Evan , Hellershanks , and myself ( in that order ) . I think I may be developing a bit of the traditional " Slender - Sickness . " My last post here was on August 8th . I had travelled up the east coast of the United States , just trying to throw off my trail . The last day I remember before today was August 14th . Other than today , I have no memory of the past 3 days . And what 's even worse is what I discovered . I turned on my digital camera , and I found 5 video files on there . I copied them to my laptop and watched them individually . It seems they were all filmed in the same night , but I have no recollection of it . It was really dark , and apparently the only light that was able to be seen was from my flashlight ( I do not have one on me ) . I edited the five videos together , and proceeded to post them to youtube . Unknown Still not sure where this place could have been , since I can 't really see anything in the video . However , when I woke up today , I was in my car , back in a certain place I have been before ( will not say where to reveal my location ) . I also received an e - mail from somebody ( not wanting to say who just yet ) who said that they wanted to meet up with me and discuss something with me . After certain events that have happened , I am not sure I can trust this person or not . However , this person is on the run , just like me . It may be worth it to have another ally I can trust . I 'm set to meet with them on a particular date and time , I will post again after the meeting . Me : Resisting arrest ! At that point , I managed to pull one of my arms free and I simply punched him in the face as hard as I could . He fell off of me , and I immediately made a run for the door . Surprisingly , Fitzsimmons wasn 't hiding outside the room , so I managed to make a clean getaway . I had nothing left in the room , so I didn 't care to turn back . I booked it out of the hotel as fast as I could and hopped in my car . I pulled out of the lot and hit the road . Been driving since then . I was traveling up the east coast for awhile , now heading back south . I have a few places I need to visit before I can refocus on finding Drage or The Count . Currently hiding out somewhere in Pennsylvania . Not venturing too far away from my previous locations , even though I know it 's dangerous , what with Lobo and Fitzsimmons probably trying to find me . At the hotel in New York , I saw a black car parked across the street from me . I saw two male figures sitting inside the car , but I couldn 't actually tell if it was them . I couldn 't take any chances . I haven 't heard hide nor hair from them , Sam , or The Count since I left . Maybe I 'm not being followed . Maybe I am , and they are waiting for me to slip up . I am trying to find any trace of Lucien Drage 's family : his parents or his sisters . If one of them is still alive , I need to find them and see what they can tell me about him . Sadly , the internet has been of no use to me . There are no records online of any family named Drage anywhere along the east coast . In fact , the only Drage family I have been able to find anything about is in Europe , and none of them have any family member , alive or deceased , named Lucien . First off , his family was the same as me : he was the youngest of three , two older sisters . Both parents alive when he died . However , it seemed that his family never visited him while he was being " treated . " I put that in quotations because what he was receiving could be considered either treatments or torture . Lucien was constantly locked up in solitary confinement because of his violent streaks . He would attack the nurses and doctors that came near him , but only when he would announce that his " stalker " was nearby . The stalker was described as tall , faceless and always wearing a suit . He would appear to Lucien usually once every few days . The intriguing fact was that even though his family never visited , Lucien had one visitor every single week . The man would only introduce himself as Mr . Germaine , a close friend of the family . He was the only one who was able to keep Lucien calm enough to be able to describe things that happened in his life , such as when the stalker started appearing in his life , the people he lost to the stalker , etc . . . Things got worse when Lucien was 23 , because Mr . Germaine stopped visiting . Lucien soon became out of control , and the only way to keep him from hurting anybody was through electro - shock therapy . The day Lucien was discovered dead , they found he had gotten out of his straight jacket in his room . His wrists and throat were slit wide open , and several marks were left on his body . The marks were documented as " being reminiscient of vines or tentacles that wrapped around his body . Possibly the straps from the straight jacket . " So two things come to mind about this . First , the marks found on Lucien 's body seem to be possible marks from Slenderman . However , why would He have only left marks on his body like that , instead of tearing him apart like most of his victims ? Nothing to really credit this being a Slenderman attack , but nothing to really discount it either . Second , the man who visited Lucien : Mr . Germaine . Going back into what I 've researched , Germaine was once a name used by The Count . He would often call himself The Count St . Germaine . So could this man be the one and the same who has been helping me ? If so , what is the connection between Lucien and myself ? I know I said I picked the name Lucien Drage by myself , but what if subconsciously , there was more to it ? Date of this post : July 21 , 2011 . Date to be released : July 27 , 2011 . That was where The Count 's first coordinates led me to . Letchworth Village in New York state . It appears to be an abandoned hospital and / or psychiatric facility ( geez , what is up with these places ? ) . I searched around and took as many pictures as I could before my camera 's batteries decided to die on me , as always . Letchworth There didn 't seem to be anything worth looking at there , except for one thing . I couldn 't take a picture of it because of the dead batteries ( reminding myself I need to head to a store and buy a lot of double A batteries ) . In one of the buildings , I found a cabinet with old medical files in there . I wasn 't sure if I would find anything of importance in there , but I looked anyway . The second to last file I found was what caught my eye . The name of the person in the file : Lucien Drage . Birthdate : March 11 , 1964 . Date of Death : March 11 , 1985 . Cause : Suicide . This file was the only one I took with me . I have read it over and over and found so many similarities between myself and this other Lucien . The big connections I 've discovered other than the name are the birthdate / death date ( he died on the day that I was born ) , and that he was constantly screaming and swearing that a tall , faceless man was stalking him and trying to kill him . It 's my turn to run , but for several reasons . First , after the threat I received from the FBI at the lunch last Saturday , it became apparent to me that they will be coming after me , just as they did Zeke and Celeste . So until I can properly cover my tracks or get off their list , all my posts will come delayed , so nobody will find me wherever I say I am . That was my house she pulled up to . She knows where I live . I 'm definitely not safe there anymore . She 's the next reason I had to leave . I know she 'll try to follow me wherever I head off to , so at least I can keep my parents safe this way ( Kay , you will check in on them for me from time to time , won 't you ? ) . Finally , the last reason for leaving : The Count . After discovering who he is , I 've realized something . If he truly is who he says he is , he has been alive for over 2000 years . He obviously knows things about Slenderman that we may not . He may have sought me out to tell me this information . Now I have to seek him out to get him to tell me . Count , if you read this , comment and tell me where I need to go . I don 't want to just round around the country blind . The title says it all , and yet barely even covers what this weekend entailed . First off , Saturday morning was Kelley 's funeral . My parents came with me , as well as all of Kelley 's family . Some of our common friends , as well as most of her graduating class from high school , showed up as well . Plenty of tears were shed during the service . I 've never been to a funeral in the summer . It 's really terrible for all of us wearing black , when it 's sunny and humid out with barely a breeze . At one point , the wind kicked up for a minute . When it did , I looked in the direction the wind was blowing in . I thought I saw Him standing off in the distance . It was hard to tell , because I blinked and looked again , but whoever it was had disappeared . I said my part over her casket . I felt I needed to , since I was the last person who saw her alive . Of course , even though I know it was a suicide , people will still probably be suspicious of me . After my speech , they lowered her casket into the ground . I never cried harder in my life then I did at that moment . I honestly don 't know how some of the people there were able to not cry . After the funeral , we had a luncheon at a nearby restaurant for some of us . Basically , it was one of those things where we ate and talked about how much we missed Kelley and all the happy memories we had with her . Everything seemed like a pretty good time , but then the most interesting , and yet terrifying , thing happened . Two men wearing black suits and ties walked into the restaurant . I didn 't recognize either of them from the funeral , so I was a little confused for a moment . They walked over to where we all were sitting . One was about my height , maybe a little taller ( so around 5 ' 10 perhaps ) , lean build , short , frizzy dirty blonde hair , white skin . The other was tanned , much shorter ( perhaps 5 ' 4 , 5 ' 5 ) , a little on the chunky side , and longer black hair . They walked up to the table , and although they were looking at everybody , it felt like their eyes were fixated on me . The shorter one spoke first . The taller one responded . " My name is Agent Lobo , and this is my partner Agent Fitzsimmons . We are with the FBI . We would like to ask you some questions . " I step outside the restaurant with Agents Lobo and Fitzsimmons , walking into the parking lot . I am exceedingly nervous , remembering what I 've read about the FBI in regards to Zeke and Celeste . However , there is a police station right across the street from the restaurant , so these agents would have been quite dumb to attempt something in front of local authorities . Me : So what is this all about ? F : Don 't play your little games with us , LUKE . We know that Donnie took you to the psychiatric facilities to talk to Diana , and we know you were given access to view his files on all the missing persons ' cases in your town . We want to know why Donnie broke all the rules to allow you to know all about this . Me : I don 't know why he did it . Maybe he wanted an outsider 's perspective on the entire situation . Maybe he simply wanted a fresh look on the cases to get a better idea of who could have done the kidnappings and killings . L : Yeah , a likely story coming from somebody who has lied to his whole family about why he changed his name . Me : How dare you insult my fiancee like that ! Gentlemen , I have answered your questions , now if you excuse me , I have my family and friends to get back to . Good day . F : Just be careful , Luke . We wouldn 't want to see anything bad happen to you , like Diana , Donnie , or Kelley . Enjoy the rest of your meal . Donnie even warned me that the FBI may come after me next . I 'm starting to think it 's not safe for me here anymore . I don 't want my parents involved in this , and I have nothing really keeping me here now . Perhaps it is time for me to leave . I 've been crying for the past few days now . And it has nothing to do with Kelley losing the baby . It 's worse than that now . After my last post , I confronted Kelley about her finding my blog . I finally sat her down and explained everything to her : Slenderman , the proxies , Sam , even my past . I had no choice , seeing she read part of my blog . I had to tell her the truth . I also explained to her that I was only trying to protect her , thinking that the less she knew , the safer she would be . She said she believed me , but that she was still angry with me for it . Understandable , but now I knew that I had to watch her all the time . Now that she knew , her safety was completely gone . She was laying in the bathtub , a piece of broken glass on the floor , both of her wrists slit wide open . I ran and got my dad before he left for work , since he is an EMT , and I asked him to check her pulse . I was almost hyperventilating , or else I would have done it myself . He said there was none . He called the ambulance to get her body . I lost my baby , and now I lost my fiancee . What do I have left here for me ? The only person I was trying to protect is gone . What 's the point of staying here and fighting ? What 's the point of running ? No matter what we do , we lose . It 's either we let Him take us , or we remove ourselves . The latter is certainly looking mighty tempting now . And now , because of my failures , I have decided to relinquish my titles . I don 't deserve to lead the Isabel Initiative or the Keeper Alliance . I guess that just leaves me as Lucien Drage . Friday night , Kelley and I went to the fair . It was opening night : Dollar Night . Parking was one dollar , some foods and all games / rides were a dollar , and admission was only two dollars . We tried to has as fun of a time as we could . I even managed to win her a small stuffed tiger from one of the water gun games . I think people were allowing me to win because of my arm , though . We went on the ferris wheel , saw the pig racing , the big cat show , we even went into their petting zoo . Normally , she loves it when she sees me with animals ( and this little zoo had goats , Shetland ponies , camels , zebus , donkeys , llamas , etc . . . ) , but the entire night , there was no trace of a smile on her face . I know it 's only been two weeks since it happened , but Kelley has shown no signs of improvement or change . She continues to wake up screaming and crying at night . She is blaming herself for losing our baby . She thought that she could have protected herself from Sam , but she was unable to do so . However , she has mentioned something else now . Now I 'm really scared for her . She has now seen Him , and He was the reason for all of this happening . It hurts me to know this . I 'm seeing no choice now . I have to tell her the truth , but I 'm afraid to do so . Kelley will hate me for hiding so much from her . I only thought that I was protecting her by keeping her away from this as much as I could . I guess I was wrong . Based on the clues he has given me : been around for a long time , being the way he is because HE made him that way , speaking Aramaic . All of these clues have led me to only one possible person , and it seems based as much in mythology / fantasy as it can be traced in history as well . His name is Cartaphilus . With everything I 've read on him , this is what I can gather about his past : he was a gatekeeper for Pontius Pilate during the life of Jesus Christ . When Jesus was carrying the cross , Cartaphilus told him to hurry along and get it over with . Jesus turned to him and said " I shall hurry along . But you will not . You shall remain until I return , " or something along those lines . Nobody really knows for sure . As the years went by , Cartaphilus went on with his life as normal . But one day , when he was in his 80s , he felt some kind of pain inside him and passed out . When he came to , he saw his reflection and noticed he looked the same age he did when he saw Jesus . Over time , this " ritual " of his continued to happen . When the time came for his change , he would fake his death , and then return as his own descendant . All of this is the myth and fantasy part of the story . However , he has been spotted many times throughout history . Templars during the Crusades claimed to have met him in Jerusalem . He was spotted in 15th century Italy two times . He encountered the same woman both times , within 50 years of each other . When she saw him , she stated that he had not aged a single day since they saw each other . He was seen during the French Revolution , apparently warning Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette of the peasant uprising . The last documented time of him being spotted was in the early 20th century . He was captured during WWI by the German army , but eventually managed to escape . And now , he 's appeared to me . At least , if this is the same person . He could simply be a charlatan that has done his research . But that doesn 't explain how this man can speak Aramaic , let alone why I could understand it . Kelley and I have been to see a psychiatrist a few times this week . Our first visit was on Monday , where we both went in to talk to the doctor . She simply wanted to get to know us , why we were coming to her , etc . . . Kelley just seemed so emotionless , so empty , as she talked to the doctor . Except for when she has been screaming and crying at night , there seems to be no life coming from her anymore . I 've heard stories about people going through depression after having an abortion or miscarriage , but I didn 't imagine it was like this . Kelley spoke with the psychiatrist on her own on Wednesday , and I went back for a solo session yesterday . The psychiatrist said that I 'm dealing with the recent events fairly well , and that there is no need for me to see her on my own . It 's not that I 'm heartless and have simply moved on from this . I need to stay strong for Kelley , in order to help her get through this . She still doesn 't know exactly what happened to her . She doesn 't know who it was that kidnapped her , who attacked me , who helped me , etc . . . The truth is , I don 't know how to explain it to her . At least , I don 't know what to say without telling her everything : my past , what I 've been dealing with , not to mention informing her all about Him . Although , after everything that has happened , what 's the worst that could happen if I did tell her ? ( knocking on wood as I type that , hehe ) Been doing some thinking and research on The Count 's last clue . I haven 't come to anything conclusive yet , but I 'm not giving up . Although , maybe I need to take a night off from everything . Tuesday morning , I was able to get out of my hospital bed . The doctors examined me over one more time and said I was cleared to go back home , but I would be unable to work for at least a month , in order to recover from the broken arm and the concussion I received . I asked them where Kelley was , and they told me what room to go to . They also said , however , that I needed to be careful while I was in there . Not sure why they said that , but I had to see her . Nurse : The stab wound went straight through into her amniotic sac and pierced the baby 's head . There was no way to save the child . I 'm sorry . I gasped for air and started tearing up . I couldn 't believe it . The nurse finished setting up the IV and left . I sat down in the chair next to Kelley 's bed , gently held her hand and laid my head back . I began crying like a child , but I couldn 't help it . I . . . we just lost our child . I 'm still crying as I type this now . I don 't think anybody could prepare for something like this . Thursday night , Kelley was released from the hospital . I called my parents , explained to them that we were attacked on Sunday and were finally coming out of the hospital . I asked them if Kelley could stay with us for awhile , telling them that I had to be there to be her support after such an ordeal . They were so happy to say yes , insisting that I was doing the right thing by staying with her during her recovery . So that 's everything that happened . Kelley losing the baby is the reason she 's constantly screaming and crying all night . I 've been crying since I found out too , but I try to stay strong around her . I don 't want to make her condition worse . Monday , I 'm gonna take her out to talk to a psychiatrist , see if that can help her get through this . I will probably talk to the psychiatrist too , I probably need it , though not as much as Kelley . So , the fourth proxy was maskless and looked familar to me . He began attacking the other three proxies . He managed to move pretty fast , considering he looked like he was at least a good 10 to 15 years older than me . He continuously attacked the other three proxies , while I lay on my back , still in pain from the beating I had received . My vision was going blurry and dark , I didn 't think I 'd be able to stay conscious for much longer . At this point , I noticed the man had pulled out what looked like a dagger of some sort . He was now stabbing the proxies , in non - vital points as not to kill them . Getting a little tired himself , he manages to finish taking down the three proxies , leaving just him , Samantha , Kelley and myself . Samantha seems extremely pissed now , and she pulls Kelley up and looks down at me . Samantha : I told you to come alone , Luke . You failed , and now you are going to be punished for that . ( she kicks me in the head ) I hope you both enjoy your punishment . At this point , she pulls out a large knife of her own . I 'm expecting to see her stab me with it , but I was wrong . I heard Kelley let out an ear piercing scream of her own . I try to push myself off with my left arm ( the one that wasn 't broken ) , and I see Samantha running away . I turn the attention to Kelley , and she is holding her stomach , crying out , " Oh my god , my baby ! My baby ! " Where her hands are on her stomach , I see a large trail of blood running down . I try to crawl over to her , but everything was going black . I managed to get next to her before I finally collapsed and passed out . When I came to , it was late Monday night . The man who helped me on Sunday was sitting in the chair next to my hospital bed . Still not sure who he was , I tried to talk to him . Me : Yeah , you 're definitely . . . wait a second . How do you know Kelley 's name ? And more importantly , how do you know who I am and what was going to happen ? Count : If I revealed to you who I was immediately , I doubt that you would have believed me . It 's better for you to learn everything and figure it out . It makes it more believable when you learn it on your own . The Count leans in to me and whispers into my ear . The words do not sound like they are English , yet I can understand exactly what he says : This gift is my curse , to be alive forever . Do not doubt HIS existence , for HE made me this way , in order to take on Him . Count : That means you are ready . The words I spoke are of an ancient language long since dead . Only a few scholars in the world can speak it fluently . Your final clue is what I said , and the language I spoke it in : Aramaic . And with that , I must take my leave of you . I 'm home , after quite a few days in the hospital . Kelley is with me . She isn 't doing too well herself . I will explain that further along , but I guess I should tell what happened Sunday night when I left to go meet with Samantha . I arrived at the lake a few minutes before 9pm , not sure where I was actually supposed to meet her . Normally during this weather , there would be people walking around the lake , but nobody was there . I started walking around until I got to the far end . At this end , there is a bit of a hill and a set of stairs , which lead up to a road . As I got to this hill , I saw two figures : one standing up and the other kind of kneeling down next to the first one . As I got closer , I could see the faces of both people : Samantha standing up and Kelley kneeling down . I got about maybe 10 to 15 feet from them when Samantha held up her hand , signalling me to stop . Me : The name is Lucien now . And it didn 't seem like you felt that way the last time I saw you . If I remember correctly , weren 't you trying to kill me ? S : It 's very simple . You come with me and serve Him , I let Kelley and your baby go , unharmed . Even with Him , I 'm sure you don 't want any harm to come to your child . At this point , she brings her hand to her mouth and whistles . I hear whistles come back from different directions . I look around , and I see four more people come out of nowhere , all wearing masks over their face . She asked me to come alone , I should have expected her not to do the same . S : I guess I 'll have to bring you to Him the hard way . The four proxies slowly started moving in towards me . As much as I know I can handle myself one on one , I cannot take four people at once , even when I was in my best physical shape . However , I couldn 't just give in . I had to try . The four move in closer , and I realize I have only one chance . I turn my attention to the proxy closest to me and I throw a punch at his stomach . I turn around to catch the second one about to punch me , but I manage to duck under it . As I grabbed his arm to try and throw him , I felt something hard catch me in the head . The third proxy had kicked straight at my head . I went down pretty fast . Guess that 's due to the baseball bat I got caught with a few months ago . I feel myself getting woozy already , but I 'm still trying to defend myself . I 'm getting punched in the face , kicked in the stomach . Suddenly , I feel myself being picked up by the arms . Two of them are now holding me , the third is punching me in the stomach some more . After several punches , I fall to my knees , blood dripping from my mouth . Then , it happened . One of the two proxies holding me grabs my right arm . I feel him pulling it back further and further . Then , he drops his elbow onto my arm so hard , I scream louder than I ever have . My arm is now bent the opposite way it should , and I have no feeling left in the rest of it . I 'm grabbed and thrown in front of Samantha now . S : It 's a shame you had to be like this , Luke . It could have been so easy , and we would have made a great team . Guess I gotta take you in like this : a weakling that couldn 't protect his fiancee . I cannot say much right now . I have been in the hospital with Kelley since Sunday night . Things didn 't go exactly as Samantha had planned , but they didn 't work out in my favor . Put it this way : do you know how hard it is to do anything when your main arm is in a cast and sling ? It 's almost 9pm . I have to leave and meet Sam at the park , try to get Kelley and my baby back . I don 't know what 's going to happen , if I 'll even return from this night . All I know is that one way or another , I 'm saving Kelley and the baby . Kay , we have both been through our fair amount of shit lately , and I hope that you and the other two Sages are able to take care of things . Afterall , you three are special , at least according to Maduin . Why else would he have named you the new Sages ? Just be careful . Sammie , you 've been a true friend throughout my troubles , and I hope you considered me the same . You 've survived a lot , and I know you will continue to survive . Just stay strong , keep running , and don 't forget me . Celie , you have certainly been through troubles but kept coming out stronger . Don 't be afraid to ask for help , even if it 's from some unlikely people . I guess I 'll never get a chance to come see The Grey Haven . Scott , I hope you survive the games you are playing . You are one of many who need to keep fighting for us . Your records will be of use to everybody . Storm , another true friend . It 's a shame what has happened to you . You got lost in the dark , I hope you find your way back to the light . Rev Loon , another new friend . Thank you for trying to help me figure out the messages I received . It means a lot to see that people will still help strangers in this cruel world . |
I was possibly in an office . The office was dim , lit mostly by colored spotlights , like a stage or a dance club . There was some special event going on to honor the members of a company . It was like the company was the client of the company I was working for . But we weren 't celebrating the company just because they were our client , but because they had passed a serious milestone in their history . I sat in a cubicle in a central area of the room . I had a computer , and probably some boards of technical controls . Before me was a wall . But most of the wall was cleared away , like it was supposed to be a window wall . I could see another cubicle on the other side of the wall . I could possibly see another few cubicle . It was like I sat in a column of cubicles in the center of this office - like room , like this central column was a supporting pillar for the building . Along the walls of the room were booth - seats . People sat in the booth seats . These people were more important than the people in the cubicles . Another man sat in a cubicle to my right . He was giving a big toast , mentioning everybody in the company he thought had really contributed to the company 's great achievement . He would say a person 's name , then give a brief description of the person , either what kind of person the person was or what the person had done for the company . I knew there was one woman in particular , a blonde woman in her late forties , who I felt deserved a lot of praise . She was one of the company 's co - founders . I felt she should have been among the first to receive praise . But the man listed a few more people , then conspicuously stopped . I realized he really wasn 't going to mention the woman . I looked at the man 's face ( apparently I had an open wall to my right , now , too ) . He was glowering bitterly at the woman . I had a feeling the man had just blown off the woman because he didn 't like the fact that she as a woman was so powerful in business . I felt like I needed to stand up for the woman . But the man who had been announcing things was a key figure in the company . So he was also a client , and therefore not subject to criticism . But I couldn 't help myself . I stood up and called out , " You forgot to honor somebody , didn 't you ? You forgot to honor her . Why don 't you say a few words about her at least ? " Everybody in the room gasped . I knew I had done something stupid . If I made this guy mad , he could pull out his business . We could lose our client . But I still couldn 't help feeling like it was right to have ignored the woman . I went about my work like nothing had happened , even though everybody now seemed to be staring constantly at me . I went into some other cubicle and began hooking up a computer system . The cubicle had no lights on , but a grey - white fluorescent light was shining through a window - like space . I had to set a CPU in a specific place , then loop the cord around the edge of a desk . This seemed like a really clever technical task to me . I then stood up . I walked to where the woman was sitting . I asked her to come with me . I was going to force the man to say something about the woman by having the woman stand face to face with the man . I was pretty angry , but I tried to hide my anger . I tried to make the woman feel good about herself . I asked her , " What 's it like , you know , watching this thing go from a little baby into a fifty billion dollar company ? " The man set his jaw tightly in anger and said , " I see you in the future , going to another business , making a quick 4 . 5 grand , " ( which meant $ 4 . 5 billion ) " but not without a good amount of debt . But even after the debt , you 'll be in good shape . You 'll probably spend the rest of your life with that money . . . " the man then mentioned something he thought the woman would do , something the man thought was absurd , like donating to charity or art funds , or even becoming an artist herself . I walked back to the booth seats with the woman . I thought to myself that that idea had backfired on me . I 'd tried to get the man to say something nice to the woman . All he did was imply a few indifferent and negative things about her . The room of booth seats was now filled with natural light , like there were windows over the seats and it was daytime . The room also had a hazy feel to it , like I was very bleary - eyed . I saw my old boss CR off in a booth seat to my right , talking and laughing with a couple clients . The woman sat down . I sat down to the woman 's right . The woman seemed upset . I couldn 't blame her . The man now came and sat to my right . He was wearing a white , beach - style shirt with multicolored floral prints and khaki shorts . I thought he was going to say something nasty to me . But he muttered in my ear , " Hey , man , tell your boss he 's gotta watch his hair . Otherwise he 's going to start poking the people around him . " I wondered what the man could be talking about . I looked over to my boss . I saw that he had run his fingers through his hair , and that thick , swirled , spiky locks of hair really were coming about one or two inches off from his head . I realized the guy was trying to joke with me , even though he had sounded a bit sullen when he 'd made the comment . The man started talking to me a little more freely about the company . But something about his attitude , maybe the fact that he still wasn 't regarding the woman , made the woman stand up and walk away . I sat frozen , not really knowing how to react . The man said , " Do you feel like going after her ? You want to defend her . I can tell . Do you like her ? Would you like to be with her ? I think she 'd be with you , if you wanted . She might like you , too . " I was out in some open area , near the top of a hill , with my mom . The area around us was like a dirt lot , or like land that had been cleared for development . The sun was shining behind some thin clouds , giving the sky a silvery - white appearance . We had just departed from my grandfather ( who died about four years ago IWL ) and my step - grandmother . They were down at the bottom of the hill . They were both getting in a car to drive away . They may have been planning to go back home . I think my step - grandma was driving . She may have gotten into the car first . Before my grandpa got into the car , he called to me , " When you get over to my house , you 'll see a huge pile of dirt in the yard . Make sure you shovel all that dirt to the very front of the driveway , so people in the neighborhood know they can have the dirt . Also , give your aunt a call and let her know that she can have some of the dirt if she wants it . " My mom and I turned and walked away from the slope . We may have been heading to a car of our own . I was thinking that I really didn 't want to have to talk to my aunt . But I knew I had to listen to my grandpa . I wondered how I 'd get around this problem . My mom and I were now in my grandpa 's house . We had a huge load of pale green towels . We were going to take them to the laundry . Each of the towels had its own name . Each name had the word " life " or " living " in it . We were now in a laundry room . The room was all white , with bright , white sunlight pouring in through the windows . The washing machine was in one section of the room . My mom and I were in another section of the room . The two sections were divided by a wall that seemed to be made out of wooden beams and transparent , but foggy , plastic . A Latina woman stood before a huge washing machine . My mom and I spoke with the woman around a doorway . The woman offered us some towels , like they were towels she found had gone missing from our last load of laundry . We traded her the towels we had for the towels she had . But one specific towel , which was meant for my mom , was goldenrod - colored . This towel had the name " think . " I thought it was weird that my mom had gotten a " think " towel instead of a " life " towel . But I didn 't worry about it too much . We did have a few goldenrod towels in the load of towels the woman had just given us . But the majority of our towels were still green " life " towels . I was at " my family 's house , " sitting right in a doorway between a bedroom and the living room . My mom and my brother also sat in the doorway : my mom to my right and my brother to my left . The doorway was wide , with a folding door that would run across it . The bedroom was dark , and the living room was lit . My mom and my brother were having an argument , possibly about my brother borrowing money . Both my mom and my brother were smoking cigarettes . The argument reached a level of intensity where my mom stood up and left , not wanting to listen to anymore . She also may have had somewhere to go . My brother was mad that my mom had just stood up and left . He blew smoke in my face and stood up to follow my mother - - maybe she was taking him somewhere . But I had gotten so frustrated over the arguing , and I was so mad that my brother had blown smoke in my face , that I stood up and got right into my brother 's face , telling him , " Stop doing this kind of crap , man ! " My brother acted mad at first . Then his face got really sad . He just said , " Come on , just leave me alone , " and walked out the door . I felt really bad for having gotten angry with my brother . I knew he was emotionally unstable , delicate , and insecure . I didn 't want to make him feel even worse about himself . I was also afraid that , now that he was mad at me , too , he might pull some kind of bad prank on me . I was now sitting on the floor in the living room . My nephews and niece may have been running around the living room and playing . My brother was now in the living room . It was like he had come back from wherever my mom had taken him . I stood up to talk to him . He was wearing some weird items of clothing . One item was like a tie . The other was like suspenders on his left shoulder . But the material then ran around his waist at a right angle to the " suspender . " The material was black and dotted with little , green frogs and some other design I can 't remember . I wanted to apologize to my brother for my behavior before . But my brother could sense that I was sorry . He acted like it was no big deal . My brother pointed to the ceiling and said , " I get so frustrated with these kids sometimes . My dress pants were hanging on a hanger up there . They were a really nice brand . They were grey slacks , made of really nice fabric , and they had pinstripes running down them . Then one day I came home , and the kids had torn the pants in half . You know how ? They were swinging off of them - - using my pants as a swing - - until they got torn from the hanger . " I had just moved into a new apartment . My mom 's ex - boyfriend was there with me . I think he was there because he 'd known about the place - - like he 'd owned or rented it before - - and he wanted to check it out to make sure it was okay before I moved into it . It all seemed to be okay . Everything was really dusty . But other than that , it was good . My mom 's ex - boyfriend was gone . I was walking around the apartment by myself . I walked into the next room , the kitchen . There was a broom there . I think I thought my mom had left the broom for me . When she 'd seen this place , she 'd noticed how dusty it was . She 'd thought it was neglectful of me not to have swept . So she 'd left this broom for me . I took the broom with me and entered the next room . I walked into another room . Suddenly I realized - - both the rooms I 'd walked through after the kitchen were huge ! They were both tall and spacious , with the back walls being beautiful , wood - framed window - walls . And they were both well - furnished and decorated : almost as well as a room in a mansion - like museum , like the Morgan Library or the Frick Collection in New York . The next room was to the left of this room . Now the rooms came one after another in the opposite direction . I walked through one huge room into another huge room . A massive , wooden table in this room had a small , bronze sculpture of a buffalo atop it . I began to feel extremely lucky . I was trying to remember how I 'd actually managed to get into this place . I was paying rent for it , but barely anything - - $ 650 a month - - for something of this size and beauty . I wondered if the upstairs neighbors would be noisy . But with this much space , and these high ceilings , I doubted it . I couldn 't figure how I was being allowed to live here . The only thing I could guess was that I 'd promised to keep the place clean - - which was something I thought I would have no problem doing . I was so excited and happy about getting to live here ! I could see out the window that people were coming up to the door . It looked like one or two wealthy , white families . They walked into the house with no problem , like they had a key of their own . I didn 't know who they were . But I think they were talking about buying the apartment . There were two older men and two older women . I don 't know if they were present , but a young man and young woman were also being spoken of , as if they were the son of one family and the daughter of another , getting married . The men may have been joking about how irresolute the son often was , even though he was really handsome and really smart , and may already have had a really good job . Nobody was paying any attention to me . I still didn 't quite know what they were here for , even though I think the families were buying this apartment for the couple - to - be . I wondered whether I was going to have to leave this place soon . I 'd just gotten settled in , and already I was being forced out . But I resolved that , until I knew for sure what was going on , I 'd just get to work on cleaning the house and act like this was where I was going to be living for a while . I didn 't want to leave the living room while the family was here . I had a bad feeling that if I left while they were here , they 'd make some kind of nasty plans against me . So I sat down on the couch , broom still in hand , and acted like I was just taking a rest . The older men started talking about other stuff , maybe business in general . They decided that they 'd like to have some coffee and maybe muffins while they were here . So one of the men sat down on the opposite end of the couch from me . The other man may have tried to sit in the middle section of the couch . But suddenly I found myself getting very tired . I stretched out over my section and the middle section of the couch , maybe even knocking into the man sitting at the opposite end of the couch . At this point my dream faded into waking life , and I was stretching out in the same weird way in my bed . I was sitting up on one of the counters , talking with somebody else in the room , probably a young woman . The woman was asking me about my old careers . She asked me something about the work I did in New York for Americorps . She asked me something like , " Didn 't they really respect you and look up to you there ? " A man now came walking in through the door . He was a young , good looking business man . He was blonde and tan with blue eyes . He wore a business suit with a tan or pea - colored trench coat over it . He said he 'd heard what I 'd been speaking about . He wondered if I could come somewhere with him and speak with him a little bit more . I was out with my sister in some residential neighborhood . My sister was leaving me here to take care of something . But I may have been set to meet her somewhere else later on . When I got out of the shower , I put on an orange t - shirt . I started walking along the road , when two teenage girls standing in a front yard began laughing at me . I looked down to see that I wasn 't wearing any pants or underwear - - just my t - shirt ! I knew I had brought some clothes with me when I 'd left my sister . They were probably in a backpack . But where had I put that backpack ? I thought I 'd brought it with me when I 'd walked over to the shower . But maybe I 'd left it at the point where my sister and I had split ways . I tried running back to that point . But I couldn 't remember exactly where it was . The neighborhood now looked different , too . The houses were all small and cheap , and the yards were barren and full of garbage . I looked to my left down one block to see a couple of guys moving some stuff out of a house . The whole block seemed to be full of cellophane and packing foam . I may have begun to think that my sister was getting revenge on me for something by having taken my backpack back home with her . Maybe she thought I 'd done something perverted to her . So now she was making me feel perverted by leaving me out on the street with no clothes . But I finally found the block where I thought I 'd departed from my sister . I was certain I could find the yard my sister and I had been standing in , and that the backpack would be right there . But there were two old men standing out and talking in one of the yards . I had to sneak past them . I knew if they saw me in this neighborhood they 'd think I was a thief . I walked into a movie theater . The theater was big , and I was the only one in there so far . I had a backpack with me . I sat it down on the left side of the center aisle , a few rows forward from the back row . I then felt like I needed to leave the theater for a moment . So I left the theater . But standing out in the hallway , I realized I 'd left my backpack . I needed to go grab it . I couldn 't let it sit in there . Somebody would steal it . So I ran back into the theater to grab the backpack . But now I couldn 't find it . I couldn 't remember exactly what row I 'd been sitting in . I went through a number of the rows , but I couldn 't find the right row . Now a few more people were filtering into the theater . I told myself that it was odd I 'd chosen a back row , anyway . Usually I choose a front row . I was on a thin , wooden platform with my two oldest nephews . The platform was suspended over some kind of dirty body of water . The platform was long . But something about it felt very uncertain , and it was hard for my nephews to stay on it . My second oldest nephew actually fell off the platform . But I managed to grab hold of him as he fell off . He was now just hanging by my hands . Then my oldest nephew fell off the platform . Somehow both of my nephews were holding onto me . I had slipped off the platform , too , and was just holding on by one hand . We were now all three in the water . Now it was like it had just been a game . But I was really upset . I was yelling at my second oldest nephew , telling him that if he 'd just paid attention to something and done it the way I 'd told him to , that we wouldn 't have had any problems staying up on the platform . Now we were involved in some kind of speed - swimming game . Our bodies sped through the water , as if we were boats , or as if we were actually gliding just above the surface of the water . We had to swim through a big body of water , then through a smaller , adjoining body of water , and finally into a small pool of water . The small pool of water was divided , by muddy walls , into two sections . Then we had to turn back and return to the starting point in the big body of water . This whole circuit somehow described a figure eight . I went through once by myself and managed to get some time like eighteen seconds . I next went through with my oldest nephew . It now appeared that in the two small pools of water there were fish - like zombie creatures . My oldest nephew somehow got injured by one and had to go to the doctor . I went through the circuit again with my second oldest nephew . We got to the small pools as well . But as my nephew was coming out of the second small pool , he got stabbed in the left arm by one of the zombie fish . He showed me the stab wound . It looked like it had been made by a straight , tubular device , almost like an old TV antenna . My nephew was wearing a white t - shirt , which now had pinkish lines of blood flowing down it . My nephew was worried . He knew that once you got injured by a zombie , you were most likely going to become a zombie . My nephew was now gone , most likely getting medical help . I now floated around in the second body of water , looking back toward the small pools of water . I knew that there were zombies in every part of these waters . They could attack you anywhere . But they seemed to be really nasty in the small pools . And , even though this was just a game , if a zombie attacked you , you could really die or become a zombie . One guy said he had given up on the game because it was truly impossible , and that the game was just made to cheat people . Another guy said he 'd also given up on the game . But he was trying to point out some secret tips that are given to you in the game . I now turned around and looked over my left shoulder . Beyond a window , I saw my little niece playing around in a set of trees in a small garden . I realized that I was at some sports center . I had been here with my family , playing in the pool . Everybody else had gone to take a shower . But I was still in the pool , for some reason . My family was all getting ready to leave . My niece and her older brothers were playing around in the little garden while waiting for my mom , and possibly my sister and brother - in - law , to come outside . But my niece , now seeing my mom and getting the idea that the family was going to leave without me , asked them to wait for me . I didn 't know whether my family would wait . But I got out of the pool and headed out of the sports center without even taking a shower . I may have seen my niece for a second . But now it was like everybody was gone . My family had to go on some big cruise , so they headed out to some big cruise ship . My niece had wanted my mom to wait so she could say goodbye to me before heading on the cruise . My mom had decided that they would wait for me near the cruise ship . I could say goodbye there . I got to the cruise ship . There was a big rope - maze line leading up to the cruise ship . I may have seen my family for a second as they were working there way through the line . But the line was virtually empty , and my family must have gotten through it rather quickly . I now stood before the ship with my grandmother , my mom 's mom . We looked up to the deck of the ship , which was far above us , trying to spot my family . I may have said something to my grandma about not having been able to see my family and say goodbye . My grandma may have replied , but I can 't remember what she said . But now I was up in some cruise ship . I was in a gigantic room that looked kind of like a library . But the room was full of tables that stood rather high , maybe about shoulder level for me . The seats for the tables were also rather tall . The tables and seats were arranged today to face one end of the room , which felt like the back end of the room , even though the entrance door was on the same wall . Every seat was probably filled for the event taking place . I sat near the front row , on the left side . Jennifer Lopez walked into the room . She may have had a new movie coming out , so she was going to give an interview to everybody in this room . But she said she only had a limited amount of time . She could only take nine questions . She took the first question from somebody in one of the farther back rows . The guy 's question was really long - winded . It was basically asking why Jennifer Lopez could only take nine questions . But it was working all kinds of weird symbolism into the question , involving the numbers three and six . Eventually Lopez just got annoyed and asked the guy to ask his question directly . The guy asked why Lopez could only take nine questions . Lopez gave an answer I can 't remember . Then Lopez walked right up to my table and playfully slammed on it , saying , " Okay . Now , you ! I want to hear a question from you ! " I was kind of shocked . I didn 't really know much about Jennifer Lopez . I 'd just come here because I thought it would be interesting to see the event . But if Lopez wanted me to ask a question , I figured I 'd better do so . I thought hard about it for a second . I remembered I 'd just seen a movie with Lopez in it , and that it had had a scene that had made me kind of curious . I asked Lopez , " You know , in that cartoon movie you just did a voice for , there 's a scene where you 're a little girl , and you 're on a ship , getting ready to say goodbye to a little boy who you had a crush on , but who 's now leaving on the ship . And I was just wondering , is that from real life ? Cause it seemed like a really personal scene . And if it was from real life , could you tell us anything about that boy ? " Lopez was back up in her own seat at the front of the room , possibly flanked by a couple of guys who looked like bodyguards . She laughed and said something like , " Oh , I knew you would ask a question like that ! Yes , the scene is from real life . And yes , I did like that boy . We were from the same neighborhood . And we never saw each other again . " Lopez went on to the next question , like she had given a sufficient answer to my question . I could tell she was glossing over a lot of the more personal issues I thought would have been interesting to hear . I think the details may have been a little embarrassing to her . I figured I wouldn 't push the issue , and I 'd just leave my question at that . Somehow I 'd managed to get a hold of Lady Gaga on the phone . But even as we started talking , Lady Gaga appeared right next to me . Lady Gaga looked surprisingly normal . She had platinum blonde hair in a kind of round style , down to just below her shoulders . She wore black sunglasses , a black , leather jacket , a tank top , short , denim jeans , and maybe some black nylons . We were sitting in a wide car seat , like the backseat of a car from the 1970s . But we weren 't really in a car . We were in a room filled with stuff like colorful toys and stuffed animals , cluttered all around us . We were talking for a while , but I can 't remember what we were talking about . Then Lady Gaga asked me if I wanted to kiss her . I didn 't feel like I was incredibly attracted to her . But she kind of had a hypnotic power over me . Plus , she was a big celebrity , and she was being so nice to me . I thought I 'd better kiss her . I slowly moved toward her . I think Lady Gaga 's lips were bubblegum - pink . And up close , her cheeks looked a little chubby and cute . We kissed softly on the lips for a few seconds . It felt kind of magnetic . It felt really nice . Then I was standing off of the car seat . It was like Lady Gaga was driving away , though I still don 't think the car seat was in an actual car . Lady Gaga said , " Yeah , your story 's fine . I have to go take care of some stuff now . Maybe I 'll come back here when I 'm done . Will you be available if I come around ? " I was laying out on a high school football field . It must have been late afternoon . The sun had gone down . The clouds all had a strange tinge of raspy , aluminum - pale orange . The air had the same kind of color . But I could see just behind the first layer of orange clouds was another layer of really dark grey - black clouds . I knew there was going to be a big thunderstorm . I turned my head and told the football coach ( ? ) that there was going to be a thunderstorm . I was kind of afraid to be laying out here like this . A huge tunnel opened up in the sky . The walls of the tunnel were made of orange clouds and grey - black clouds , interwoven . The tunnel seemed to work its way high up into the atmosphere , maybe even all the way into outer space . I may have seen large rocks floating through or falling through the tunnel . I got really afraid of the impending thunderstorm . I stood up and walked to the edge of the field . At the edge of the field the grey - black clouds seemed to be a lot less potent . I figured I stood much less chance of being struck by lightning if I stood over here . I was in the living room of a small apartment . The living room was bright white with daylight . I knelt before a couch , on which a little girl sat . Just to the right of the couch was the kitchen , in which the mom may have been working . There may have been one or two more kids in the apartment . The little girl on the couch got upset . She asked , " What do you mean he 's coming home right now ? He wasn 't supposed to come home until later ! That doesn 't give us any time to prepare his surprise birthday party ! " The father came into the house . He was tall , pale , muscular , and attractive , with wavy , brown hair done in a square - swept , almost 1950s style . He wore a white t - shirt and blue jeans . He said hello as he walked in . The father looked a little inconvenienced , knowing that he 'd have to go back outside so everybody could put his party together . But he figured he 'd do it , if it made the little girl happy . So he said , " Oh , you know , I forgot I have to go pick up this thing . It 's gonna take me a while . But I 'll be back in a bit . " As soon as the father got out the door , the little girl stood up . She said , " Okay . Now we really have to get working to make the surprise party . " The little girl turned to me and said , " You help me make the hard - boiled eggs . " The little girl and I were now in the kitchen , which was different from the kitchen the mother had been in . This one wasn 't open to the living room , and it ended directly in front of the front door to the apartment . The counter was all cluttered with all kinds of food . There was a television set at the right end of the counter . Some show was blaring away on it . The little girl had been preparing some eggs for me . Apparently , making hard - boiled eggs was a two - step process . I was the second step , which was boiling the eggs . The little girl , who may now have been my sister , at her age in waking life , now left the kitchen . She was heading out with a few other people . I think everybody was going out to get items for the party . I looked at the eggs my sister had left me with . I knew she had done something to prepare them so I could boil them . But , I thought , I had to get them into the pot as soon as possible . I picked up one of the eggs . It crumbled in my hands . It was like there hadn 't even been anything inside the shell . I looked down at the eggs . They were all on a plate , or maybe on an upside - down lid for a Tupperware container . One of the eggs looked cracked and buckled in all the way around . The cracks looked all rusty . I tried to pick up another one of the eggs . But when I did , it uncoiled , like it was a peeled potato / egg that had been re - spooled to look unpeeled , but then came all unwound as soon as I 'd touched it . I felt like maybe I 'd waited too long to put the eggs in the pot . Or maybe I 'd mishandled them all in some way . Whatever had happened , these eggs were no good . I 'd have to prepare a new batch of eggs for boiling . I didn 't think I knew how to do it . I 'd have to ask my sister . But my sister wouldn 't be back for a while . So I 'd have to figure out for myself how to prepare the eggs . But now I was distracted by the image on TV . It was some movie from the 1980s . A bunch of hot high school girls were all getting together for the night for a slumber party . They were all wearing skimpy lingerie and frolicking around in some girl 's bedroom . I had my eyes glued to some girl laying on her stomach on the floor , cuddling with some big , soft pillow . She wore an almost see - through pink negligee . Her bottom was really turning me on . I was sitting out in some kind of plaza area at night . I sat on the ground , possibly leaning my back against the seat of a bench . My sister may have been there , too . We had some stuff with us : a couple of bikes and some other personal belongings . A little boy and an older man came and sat down by us . The little boy had olive skin and dark black , straight hair . He wore tiny , tan , corduroy shorts and a little , white t - shirt that made him look a little bit like a girl . The little boy was attracted to me . Even though he didn 't know me , he came down and sat on my lap . He sat right so his bottom was on my crotch , and he kept bouncing up and down . The little boy eventually transformed into a Latino young man who was dressed up as a girl . He was dressed in a frilly , lingerie - esque black tank top with red , lacy fringes and a pair of really short , denim shorts . His hair was black , with streaks of pale brown dyed in , and done up in loose ringlets . He also seemed to have big breasts . I had actually had an orgasm at some point in time because of the bouncing up and down . So the Latino young man figured I was attracted to him . He told me he 'd give me his phone number . I wasn 't wearing any shoes . The young man wrote his phone number on my right foot , starting at the joint where the big toe meets the foot and going all the way down past my ankle , an inch or two up my leg . The young man wrote the number in red and black . The boy 's handwriting looked very much like graffiti . The boy would write the red part first , then do a little outline in black to made it look like a shadow . I looked at the boy 's pen . It was just one pen , with one tip , and no switching buttons . But it was putting out red ink or black ink , whenever the boy wanted . I told the boy , " You have really good handwriting . " The young man finished and stood up . I suddenly realized that he and the older man were together . The older man hadn 't noticed the boy having sat down on me and rubbed against me until I came . And he didn 't seem to think anything of the boy having given me his phone number . The older man just thought the young man was only in love with him . The two of them got on either a motorcycle or a bicycle and rode away . My sister was either already gone or had left just now , telling me she 'd meet me wherever she was going . I now felt like I 'd been sitting around here way too long . I needed to get to wherever my sister was ! So I stood up , turned to my left , and walked along the concrete or cobblestone path along which ran the bench that I 'd been sitting against . It was a pleasant evening , and there were a lot of people out . Suddenly reflecting on the people all walking around here , I knew I had to sit back down ! I 'd just come . Would the wetness of my cum be visible on my clothes ? I looked down . I was wearing some hideous , fluorescent yellow shorts . The fabric was really thin , and , just as I had suspected , the wetness of my cum had soaked through . I covered myself up . There was one spot I first noticed as I 'd looked , kind of right on the front and center of my shorts , a couple inches below the waist line . I tried to wipe it off and dry it off . I think I managed to get the spot to a point where I felt it was tolerably unnoticeable . But now I noticed another mess ! This one was coming out of my right pocket . It seemed like almost all my cum had flowed into my right pocket . It was clear and goopy and gross . But it wasn 't white . It was clear . And it was cold , not hot . I didn 't think I 'd be able to stand up for a long time . But out of the crowd came a kind of prissy - looking old man , carting a clothes rack full of either women 's outerwear or women 's lingerie . The styles seemed kind of stale , something very much like what I thought the prissy , old man would like . But the man stopped at me and said , " You ! Get up ! You haven 't done everything you were supposed to do with these clothes yet ! " I had a feeling I 'd done something , either messing up the clothes or committing to buying them and then breaking my commitment , that had basically made the responsibility for the clothes all mine . Even if they stayed in the prissy man 's store , I still had to take care of them . So , regardless of my fear of being seen in my cum - stained shorts , I stood up and went to the clothes rack . Slowly other elements of a shop were dragged out into the crowd , I 'm not sure by whom . There were glass display cases of items and items on pedestals . The interior of an antique store had basically been drawn out onto this walkway ! A second old man now came up to me . He had a few antiques , some of which looked like music boxes . But one antique which drew my attention was a sphere - shaped object . The man let me look at it . Most of its surface was some deep , polished color , like a deep blue or brown . On some part of its surface was a little clock face . The middle of the orb and the boundary of the clock were ringed with gold . The middle of the orb may actually have been hinged , so it could open , like an Easter egg . As I was inspecting the object , the old man was talking about the store . The way he was talking about things , it sounded like the prissy man had talked the old man into being a part of this store , almost against the old man 's wishes . It sounded like it was a little bit of a pain to work with the prissy man , simply because the man 's prissiness sometimes got to be a real bore . I dropped the orb . It almost crashed to the ground . But I flinched a few times , and all my flinches were luckily positioned so that I kept almost catching the orb , until I finally caught the orb . But now , when I looked at the orb , it may have had a surface of gold and crystal , with the clock face inside the crystal portion of the egg , tilted at about a 30 - degree angle . The old man suggested I give the orb back to him . The orb was pretty expensive , and the man didn 't want me holding onto it if I was going to be so clumsy with it . But he wasn 't mad at me . In fact , it seemed to open the old man up to telling me a bit more of his story . As the old man told me the story , the store materialized around us . We were in one room full of antiques . In another room was a perfume counter and more antiques . The prissy man may have been working at the perfume counter . The old man said how he , like a couple other old men , had owned their own stores . All the old men 's stores specialized in certain kinds of antiques . The old man 's particular store may have specialized in antique clocks or antique perfumes - - or both ! But the old man , like a couple of his friends , was discovering that the specialty antique shops were no longer able to survive on their own . The old man and his wife ( who may have appeared somewhere in the shop ) had to sell their shop . Some of their friends had to sell their shops , too . But the prissy man suggested to the old man ( and , possibly , to other old men ) that the old man let the prissy man sell the old man 's antiques in his shop . The prissy man 's shop was bigger and more comprehensive . The old man said , " Yeah , it 's hard for antique shops of any kind to survive anymore . In this town , all up and down along this road , you 'd see tons of antique shops . Now they 're all closing up , one by one . Nobody visits them anymore . That 's why it 's lucky I 'm working with him . " ( The prissy man . ) " His store isn 't an antique shop . And it has so many different kinds of things , people will always be coming to the shop . " But when I looked around the shop , all I could see were antiques . I thought , This place must be an antique shop ! And it must be doomed , just like all the other antique shops ! My vision focused on some people lifting up a painting from behind some massive , golden posts . The painting was tall and wide . It was on some thin , stiff board . It seemed to be an early evening lake scene , done in pale blues and tans . I was out in the wilderness with my sister on a hot , clear day . We stood on some ridge where we could see out over an expanse of green , but dry and craggy , slopes . My sister had to go do something . She walked away behind me . I think I knew that I 'd eventually have to turn around and head to wherever my sister had gone as well . But I think I was also hoping my sister would come back . Out here in the wilderness all alone , I felt unprotected , scared . The slope before me was now all made of plowed - up soil . It was like a construction crew was coming through this wilderness , turning it up to make some new development . The slope now lipped up before me , so that it crested above my head . I had to climb up it to see beyond it . But when I climbed up it , I decided to walk down the other side . I think I was hoping I could walk out of all this plowed - up area and into some pristine wilderness . At the bottom of the plowed - up slope was a dirt road . Across the dirt road was another plowed - up slope . I knew that beyond that slope there would be pristine wilderness . But now I looked to my right , up the dirt road . In the distance maybe four hundred meters was a wild animal . It looked like a coyote , but I thought ( or hoped ) it could be a bobcat . It had been trotting lightly across the road . But now it stopped and looked at me . I didn 't really want to go any farther in the wilderness . I 'd never had any trouble with coyotes , or any wild animal , really , in the past . But I had a weird feeling that this summer , because of the heat ( or drought ? ) , the wild animals were really hungry , and that they 'd even try to eat humans . I didn 't want to be out here alone and defenseless against a hungry animal . So I turned around and headed back up the slope . Now the slope was extremely steep . I didn 't know whether I 'd be able to make it back up the slope . But , surprisingly , I was actually bounding up the slope . I would jump upward from one foothold to another . It didn 't even seem to cause me any effort . It was kind of fun ! This whole time I thought that I needed to keep the idea of fear out of my head . If a wild animal sensed fear , it would attack me . I thought that perhaps the coyote / bobcat would see my jumping and think I was too hard to catch , not worth its time . But then I thought that maybe the motion of my jumping would be so tantalizing that the coyote / bobcat would find me a very appetizing meal indeed . But I soon reached the top of the slope . I hopped over the lip of the slope , thinking that I must have gotten up and out of sight before the coyote / bobcat could see me . But now I saw the coyote / bobcat stalking across the opposite slope . The crest of the opposite slope was now very close to the crest of this slope . I could plainly see the animal , which was a coyote . And the coyote could plainly see me . The coyote jumped from its crest to my crest . But when it reached me , it just slowly passed me , looking me over , trying to determine whether I was an enemy or a friend , but then just becoming seemingly indifferent towards me and stalking away to my right and behind me . I was still afraid . Since the coyote was behind me , did that mean it was just playing a game on me , and that it would soon attack me from behind ? But now I saw a second animal on the opposite slope . This time the animal was a bobcat ! But the bobcat 's face looked a little weird , like it was real , but like its real ( not drawn ) features had been scribbled into existence by a little child 's crayon drawings . The bobcat didn 't even wait to climb to the crest . It hopped from mid - slope to mid - slope , then climbed up and over the crest . When it got to me , it bared its teeth and made some kind of hissing sound . Its teeth seemed like needles to me . The bobcat then stalked off to my left and behind me . I now felt like I was in too much danger out here by myself . I turned around to go back to wherever I 'd come from . I was now slouch - laying sideways in a huge , padded chair in a big house like a luxury cabin in the woods . The living room was huge , calm , and filled with natural light . At the other end of the living room two girls sat in either one or two big chairs . One girl seemed to be about nine years old . The other girl seemed to be about twelve . The nine - year - old girl hopped out of her chair and walked toward me . She was really skinny and wore slim blue jeans and a slinky , striped , long - sleeved shirt . She was pale , and she had long , stringy , pale brown hair . She hopped up onto my chair and flopped down , laying on top of me . We were now covered in a blanket . I ran my hands along the girl 's sides and hips . The little girl was now gone , or possibly standing off to the side and somewhere behind me . The twelve - year - old girl stood up and seemed to be coming toward me , even though I was kind of wishing the nine - year - old girl would come back . The twelve - year - old girl wore tiny , white shorts , a tiny , white t - shirt , and a white baseball cap , which was backwards . She was a bit more plump than the younger girl . . She had a tan , and her chestnut - brown hair was just a little shorter than shoulder - length . But before the girl even reached me , another young girl sat down beside me in my chair . At my feet there was now another chair adjacent to and at right angles with my chair . Both chairs were less puffy and just a little smaller than my previous chair had been , and both were upholstered with some rough kind of yarny , tan , dark blue , and pale blue fabric . We were no longer in the living room . We were now in a gigantic cafe . The cafe may have been a Starbucks . But it was out in the woods and it was done up like a ski lodge . There were a lot of people in the cafe . But everything was so well spaced that nobody seemed to be getting into anybody else 's space . The little girl ( or boy ? ) who 'd sat down next to me really wanted to be close to me and cuddle with me . But the guy who 'd sat down in the other seat made both the girl ( or boy ) and myself afraid to do anything . I 'm not sure what the guy 's relationship was to the child . The guy was tall , young - looking , and pale , with blue eyes and a little bit of stubble on his cheeks . The guy began talking to me , like he was trying to be cool and friendly with me . He had a bit of an athletic tone to his voice , which made me feel like he was being genuine . I didn 't know how to put that same athletic tone of voice into my own speech . But I tried to talk like I was cool with the guy as well . But I didn 't like the guy very much , and I kind of thought it was an inconvenience to have to deal with him . The guy then mentioned that my mom was coming soon with all the food . I must have been a little surprised by this . The guy said , " What ? Didn 't you know your mom was here as well ? I met her in line . She told me to sit with you . She and the others would be here soon . " I sat up straight in my chair . I don 't know where the child had gone . I saw that there were two additional chairs . The chairs were all arranged around a little white cube which would serve as our table . Now my mom came up and sat in a chair . The others , probably a couple of my nephews , would be showing up soon . Now a waiter , like a stereotypical thin - mustached , French waiter , wheeled out a huge , shelved , steel cart of desserts and drinks . All the food had some kind of mango - flavored theme to it . The waiter sat item after item of mango desserts and drinks onto the white cube . In particular I remember seeing mango - flavored pies , and some weird mango smoothie - like item in a clear glass . The mango smoothie was all clumpy , so that the gunk in the glass wasn 't evenly distributed . In the empty spaces I could see some green , ropy material , like a snake mixed with a green bean , coiling upward . I was hearing a discussion in my head between myself and a woman , possibly my mother . We were talking about how , when you draw characters , if you draw characters using a grey cloak , you don 't have to give them any personality . This didn 't just have to do with the color grey . It was like the character was actually wearing some kind of cloak of grey that zipped over its entire body . I thought this cloak made drawing easier , because it erased personality and emotion from the character . But I then realized I was wrong . The grey cloak didn 't erase any personality or emotion from the character . No matter whether I drew the characters in full color or with the cloak over them , I still had to use personality and emotion . I walked into a place I supposed was a movie theatre , even though it looked like a really big classroom . The room was dark , but maybe with disco ball stars spinning around the room . At the front of the room , high up on the wall , was a rectangle of light , coming from a projection room high up on the back wall . There were a lot of rows of desks . And all the desks seemed to be filled with old friends of mine . At the back of the room was some long table that sold items related to the event taking place : maybe some kind of film festival . A lot of people still seemed to be coming into the room and filtering up into the desks . I had read the program for the event . A lot of films by Pedro Almodovar were going to be shown . I was excited about that . I pointed out the fact to one of my female friends . My friend said , " Oh , yeah . Almodovar is one of the top three directors ever in Spain . " I was walking up , trying to find a seat . Somebody up ahead of me mentioned the third director in the group . Even though I hadn 't seen any films by the director , I at least knew his name . So I called it out , something like " Ittryia " or " Attyra . " I was already ashamed that I hadn 't known the first director . So I just pretended to know about Ittryia . I said a fact I 'd known about him : that he 'd worked as a kind of assistant to Almodovar on a number of films in the 1980s , but that he 'd then gone on to make his own films . I then mentioned one of his films , which was playing here , and even though I 'd never seen it before , I went off on how good it was . Even still , I wasn 't happy with myself . People knew Almodovar , and people who knew film adored the first director . But Ittryia was really obscure and not of great interest to many people at all . So , even lying about what I knew , I knew I wasn 't really impressing anybody , or even giving them information they 'd wanted . I now sat down in one of the seats and began talking with some of my friends . But my view suddenly shifted . I was laying on my back in bed . Somebody like a combination of a police officer and a postal worker barged into my room . He threw an envelope at my stomach , said that I 'd better pay attention to it , and stomped away . I picked up the envelope and looked at it . Through the cellophane window on the front of the envelope I could see that the contents were a bill that actually looked something like a paycheck . The right side of the bill had the figure of $ 750 on it . I could faintly remember owing that amount of money . Maybe I 'd had to go to the hospital for something , like I 'd been taken into the hospital because I 'd been too drunk ( which happened to me in 1997 and 2006 ) . Or maybe I 'd even been arrested for something that I couldn 't remember . But now I looked over to the left side of the window . As I passed along the window , I 'd gotten the feeling that I 'd actually owed the $ 750 for a while now , and that I was now getting in trouble for never having paid it . On the left side of the window was another figure : $ 283 , 000 . $ 283 , 000 ? How could that be ? For some reason , something about the figure reminded me of the speed of light . It was too much money ! But the sum came , I knew , from interest fees as well as exorbitant fines that the police put on late payments - - ostensibly with the goal of getting people to pay . But I couldn 't pay . And I think the police counted on that in most of the cases like mine . The letter was really a subpoena , so that I 'd have to appear in court regarding the $ 283 , 000 I owed . And I 'd probably be sent to jail . It was night . I was probably in a huge pickup truck that my mom was driving . We 'd come from out in the country , and we were driving through rolling fields of grass . I don 't know what we 'd been doing out in the country . But my mom was now telling me how she used to take my nephews out to this area with their sheep - - apparently the family used to own sheep . The family would actually take cows and sheep down to this area . The cows were sold as food . The sheep actually carried the cows on their backs . I saw in my mind 's eye how this was done . A cow would be cut open and have its guts hollowed out . Then the empty carcass of the cow was sat over the sheep 's back , so that it looked like the sheep was giving the cow a ride . It would have looked playful , had the cow not been all bloody . Something about the sheep was also sold , but I don 't know what . The main thing my mom spoke about regarding the sheep was how my family had gotten the sheep to eat so well . The sheep must originally have had a hard time grazing while they were out in the country . But my family got the sheep trained to eat out on the rolling pastures , and to eat the grass in such an orderly way that they 'd create huge , even , smooth - lined squares of eaten grass . I had been noticing a big , green pickup truck following our truck for some time . I could see the guy in the truck : he was a young , blonde man who looked like he lived in my apartment complex . I told my mom that that man had been set on me to follow me in the past . He had now been set on following me again today . Somehow the green pickup truck got in front of us . There were three big , white semi - trucks in front of us . The green pickup wedged itself in between the second and third semis . So there were two trucks in front of the pickup , one truck behind it , and then my mom 's pickup . I told my mom , " Now watch . The truck didn 't mean to get in front of us . But now that it did , it will find the perfect opportunity to get back behind us . It 's been following me all day today . I have people following me all the time . " Without my noticing it my mom and I shifted into a public bus . We sat side by side in a seat . The bus was relatively empty . The daylight in the bus seemed a bit brighter and whiter than usual . The light inside the bus may actually have been bright and white . I told my mom , " The same thing used to happen in Brooklyn . People used get set on me , to follow me around . It 's just a different set of people . Out here in Denver they have a group of blonde haired , blue eyed guys following me around . People set these kids on me , to follow me wherever I go . " But now that he looked straight at us , I could see that he was John Malkovich . But he was all done up in camouflage . He wore a mainly white , tan , and brown camo design on his pants , shirt , and even on a woolen skullcap . He had the design painted onto his face and hands as well . His eyes were also bugging out , like he was insane . John Malkovich asked me something about the stalkers . He then took one or both of my hands with both of his hands and began stroking them while he made a weird kind of blowing " O " with his mouth . He started giving me some advice about the stalkers . But he then ran back to the back of the bus . The back of the bus tiered up into a platform of seats . In the first row on that platform was an Hispanic man who looked drunk and passed out . Malkovich sat beside that guy and started almost cuddling his head against him . He then began telling the man about me , like Malkovich was actually a stalker himself , and like he was passing off information to the man , who was only pretending to be drunk and passed out . A woman had been taking care of a white swan , which I probably called a duck in my dream . The woman was a really beautiful , copper skinned woman with dark black hair . At first when the woman had cared for the duck , the duck would always bite the woman . The duck may have bit the woman all over her body , but I think one place the duck always bit the woman was on the mouth . It would hurt really bad . The woman even got to a point where she wanted to kill or get rid of the duck . But then the woman taught the duck how to read and write . The duck had apparently been biting the woman because she didn 't know how to communicate with the woman . But now that she could read and write , her life was a lot more open and free and a lot more frustrating . The duck was now writing something on a pad of paper and showing it to my view , as if my view were actually a camera filming some kind of documentary . The view may have been set in a small bathroom , where the duck and the woman were standing close together . The duck may have been up on some kind of pedestal , so that her head was even with the woman 's head . This shocked the woman . It hurt her a little bit , though not as much as the previous bites had hurt . But the woman started to wonder whether the duck was getting violent again . She had given only a soft bite this time . But what if the bites got harder and harder ? The woman would be in pain all over again . My view panned down toward the bottom of the duck , then down toward the top section of the pedestal , where it kind of halted , just looking at the blank space of the pedestal . I was a little worried , as well , about the sudden biting of the duck . But I also considered the fact that the duck had " kissed " the woman . What it the kisses between the duck and the woman got more passionate ? Would the duck and the woman eventually become lesbian lovers ? I was at some job which was like a mix of my most recent job with the duties of a lot of my past jobs . I had been set on some task . But I was wearing really dirty clothes . I may also have been wearing women 's clothes , maybe even just women 's lingerie . I really needed to change my clothes before I got to work on my task . So I walked into the living room of some townhome or ground level apartment unit . The living room was small and well furnished , but also cluttered with a bunch of neglected belongings . I had a backpack full of clothes . I began trying to pull clothes out of the backpack . But every time I began to pull something out , I 'd hesitate . I had pairs of men 's underwear , but they all seemed to be dirty and sour in really gross ways . Some may even have been hard with filth . I had a bad feeling I 'd just have to wear one of these pairs of dirty underwear . I 'd hope nobody would smell or see or notice in some other way how disgusting my underwear was . My emotions or focus shifted , and suddenly I was just getting ready to walk out the door , like I was fully dressed and ready to go . I slung my backpack over my right shoulder . As I headed toward the door , opened it , and looked down at some turned - off lamp on an end table next to the door , I had some conversation in my head . The conversation seemed to be partly me talking to myself about a conversation and partly the actual conversation , which involved a group of people who studied mysticism with Carlos Castaneda . These people were saying that Castaneda was the greatest magician of all time . But that qualification would get mixed up with saying that Castaneda was the greatest Research Analyst of all time . And that statement would get mixed up with my co - workers saying that I was the greatest Research Analyst of all time . I was looking at a catalog that was kind of done up like a porn magazine . But it was really something like a monthly who 's who of sex and fetish in every state in the United States . The pages were a brick red kind of color , and there were grids of photos on each page . Most of the photos showed attractive women wearing lingerie or bikinis . The women were usually sitting , but in very seductive poses . Below each photo was a description of the woman and her particular fetish . At the top of each page was yellow , script - like writing in a kind of " California cool " style . I flipped to the Colorado section , hoping to find a woman who would be into transvestites or adult babies . But , for some reason , the more I looked through the Colorado section , the more afraid I got . I felt some sense of danger regarding the women . I can 't remember what the sense of danger came from . I may have seen or thought that some of the women were actually men dressed as women . I quickly flipped to some other section of the catalog . I think I allowed myself to feel attracted to the girls in this section of the catalog . But I think that after a moment , I may have become bored with the catalog and put it away . I was in " my bedroom " at night . The light in my bedroom was on , and the door was open . I was sitting on the edge , looking out the hallway . The hallway was dark and had a deep blue color . The hallway extended a little bit , then turned off to the left . I feel like there were a lot of bedrooms in the house . A little girl walked down the hallway and toward my room . She was only wearing a diaper . She asked me to change her diaper . Just as she asked me , an older woman 's voice told the little girl to get back to bed . The little girl stood in my doorway and pulled off her diaper . I could see that her diaper was a little messy . I stood out on some desert road on a hot day . I must have been in a small town . I stood across a road from a wide dirt parking lot , at the end of which were two buildings like small factory buildings . I panned my gaze from the right to the left , moving my view off to the left of the buildings . As I did this , I heard the guy from the PBS Idea Channel on YouTube winding up another one of his " here 's an idea " segments . I can 't remember what he was talking about , but it seemed to vindicate something I was thinking of . I think in my mind 's eye I had a view of yellow and black tiger stripes , kind of like the pattern of Lum 's clothes in Urusei Yatsura , except with a fading to white toward the bottom . My view continued to the left , scanning through a vacant field , mostly of dirt , with a few green weeds here and there . The Idea Channel guy continued talking , but now referencing a totally different idea , like he was on another episode . His voice became really small and grainy - - it was like he was dealing with a subject he was a little unsure of , so he wasn 't quite confident , while at the same time the " reception " ( ? ? ? ) for the program was fading out . My view continued to the left , where I may have seen an asphalt parking lot and a multi - story office building in the distance , beyond another vacant dirt lot . The Idea Channel guy may have been mentioning some kind of art project that had been funded by a bank . But one of the guys who 'd responded to the guy 's statements was now speaking directly . I could see the guy in my mind 's eye . He was tall and pale , and he wore clunky , square glasses . He had a kind of high , very whiny voice . He mentioned something about " the Citibank project , " as if the art project in question , being funded by Citibank , was generally known by the bank 's name . I was in a car with my mom and possibly some other family members . We had dropped my brother - in - law and some of the kids off at some place like a recreation center , probably where the kids were taking lessons in some sport , maybe bowling . Apparently my mom and I were going to wait in the car while everybody was inside . But now my mom suggested that we take the car and go take care of a few errands . I think she had to okay something about taking the car with my brother - in - law . It was like my brother - in - law would have to confirm with my mom that he was going to stay with the kids . If he was going to stay with the kids , then we could take the car . My mom was thinking that we 'd go see her mom , check in on her , make sure she was okay . But I think she was having a hard time remembering the directions to her mom 's house . We had to determine directions by using some nearby McDonald 's as a reference point . I think I was getting a little impatient . I think I felt like I had better things to do with my day than get lost driving around some McDonald 's with my mom . I was apparently the manager of a Family Dollar store . I was in some really big room like a break room . It was kind of dim , with just some natural light coming in through a high - up window . A woman stood across from me at a long break table . She had come to talk to me because she heard that - - - - - was buying out Family Dollar . ( I know this company was a specific , " real " company at the beginning of the dream , but I can 't remember what it was . The company changed to Sav - a - Lot at the end of my dream . I 'm pretty certain it was not Sav - a - Lot at the beginning . ) I knew that - - - - - was buying out Family Dollar . The woman had only reminded me of the fact , which I now knew was really important ( ? ? ? ) . The woman asked me whether I was going to tell the employees anything about it . I said I would . I told the woman to get all the employees of this Family Dollar together , and we 'd have a talk about everything . So everybody got together . There were crowds and crowds of people , all apparently working for the one Family Dollar I was the manager of , gathered in something like a plaza area . The plaza area was mainly a stone plaza amid some rolling , green lawns . But there were also balcony - like levels over the edges of the plaza area . Those balconies were also crowded with people from the Family Dollar . I stood in an empty space near , but not quite at , the front of the crowd . There were other management members with me in this space . I wasn 't quite paying attention to anything . I was kind of looking at the ground and fiddling with my hands or some piece of thin rope that may have bounded off the management speaking area . At this point I may have been an overweight , pale white man with a bald crown and grey hair on the sides of my head and wearing a black business suit with a white shirt . I may have assumed I 'd be introduced or given the floor . But before I was given a chance to speak , some person from the back of the crowd asked some question of a lower - level management person who stood up on one of the balconies . The question had something to do with logistics , making the logistics of work a bit easier . The man and the management person got into a long discussion . After this discussion another group of people had another discussion regarding some element of administration at the Family Dollar . After this discussion , there was a bit of a pause . I had kind of begun to assume that I 'd just walked into a normal meeting of the Family Dollar employees , and that , since I didn 't have any concerns that needed addressing , I didn 't need to say anything . It seemed , too , like nobody else had anything to say . So everybody assumed this meeting was over . They all began shuffling out of the meeting area . About a quarter of the crowd was already gone . But somebody had called out to the rest of the crowd to stay here , that this meeting had been called to address a concern they all had regarding the acquisition of the Family Dollar . The person said that I , the store 's manager ( and I think I was myself again ) , would be giving a presentation to everybody , so they 'd see there was nothing to worry about . Most people seemed inconvenienced . The people who thought everybody was going to get laid off " already knew " that everybody was in trouble . The people who thought everybody was fine " already knew " that everybody was fine . So why did I need to make a speech to them ? I thought to myself , Well , then , they 're basically right . So I 'll need to give them a little new information , a little bit of unique information , that will make them feel like they didn 't waste their time here . This area was ( now , anyway ) a stone square with a pool or fountain of water on its left side . The pool was only about ankle deep at its edges . I ran through that pool , making a ton of splashes . I thought , Everybody who knows me will know I like water . So I 'm sure they 'll all think my running out here through a pool of water will be a really characteristic touch . It 'll be endearing . I now stood up on a black - painted metal railing , locking my feet into some of the lower bars of the railing and pressing my knees against a higher bar . The crowd was packed , from the railing , out as far as I could see . Off to my right was a huge sign , kind of like the light - up menu sign at a McDonald 's , mixed with an LED TV screen . I had a PowerPoint presentation playing on the screen . I said , " I know you all know that Sav - a - Lot has announced that they are going to buy out Family Dollar . And I know that many of you are thinking , ' What 's going to happen to me ? ' Well , let me assure you , you 'll be fine . The business footprint of Sav - a - Lot is far different from the business footprint of Family Dollar . In fact , Sav - a - Lot planned to buy Family Dollar in order to expand its business footprint . " I now went through - - or tried to go through - - slides showing how Sav - a - Lot 's business was so widely different from Family Dollar 's business that there were no worries about efficiency - related layoffs . But I was having a hard time saying anything . I was comparing business segments and product lines for both companies . But it was so hard for me to keep focused on all the specifics . Plus , I wasn 't sure I was telling the crowd something they didn 't already know . And now the slides started going really fast . And the more the slides progressed , the more the slides actually started to look like items off of a McDonald 's menu . I remember looking at one slide that apparently was comparing a lineup of fruit - flavored smoothies at Sav - a - Lot with fruit - flavored smoothies at Family Dollar . And , what was worse , I was even forgetting the name of the company acquiring Family Dollar . There was even one slide with three or four different names for the company acquiring Family Dollar . I knew that all the names except one were subsidiaries of the main company . I couldn 't remember , now , whether Sav - a - Lot was the main company or just a subsidiary . But I didn 't want to say " Sav - a - Lot " if Sav - a - Lot was only a subsidiary . It would make me look like I didn 't even know anything about the company acquiring us . The Director was getting direct calls from clients voicing concerns over this potential bad news . He was coming to my boss to ask my boss ' opinion on all of this . My boss didn 't seem to have anything to say at first , and my co - worker jumped in . He said something to show that the issue wasn 't actually a big deal at all . I can 't remember what the argument was - - again ! - - , but it didn 't seem to the point , in my opinion . I had an idea that was more to the point , in my opinion ( ? ? ? ? ? ) . The company that had been acquired mainly manufactured soda syrups for private label companies that operated out of Latin America . There may have been something about sugar cane involved in my argument . In my opinion , the acquisition may possibly have signaled bad news for the Latin American soft drinks market and for the companies that had been acquired and that made the acquisition . But globally , I probably didn 't think the problem was very big . I was about to mention this , but my boss finally told the Director , " It 's not a big issue . I was actually writing a report on the whole thing right now , saying it 's not a big deal . You should see that report within the next 24 hours . " I knew that since my boss had spoken , there was nothing else for me to say . A grainy , black and white image showing some young , pretty , Japanese women . The women looked mierable . They were probably victims of either the Hiroshima or Nagasaki bombings , or else they had somehow been displaced by the whole thing . They were very depressed , and they felt like they had no hope for life . I was on another planet , and I may have been in communications with the spaceship I 'd come from . But , really , it felt like I was just standing on a sidewalk outside an apartment building at night and talking with people up in an apartment . It was pitch black outside , and all the windows of the apartment building were blood red . I was now " inside the spaceship , " which was just one of the apartments . I was looking at a dining table , at which sat four people . The dining table was under a hanging incandescent lamp . The rest of the room - - maybe the rest of the apartment - - was dark . The window was open , showing the pitch black night outside . Two of the people at the table were unknown to me . The other two sat at the far end of the table , near the window . On my left was Leonard Nimoy . On my right was Miss Piggy . Miss Piggy may have been supposed to be my mother . Miss Piggy was rebelling against some idea . Leonard Nimoy was trying to convince Miss Piggy that the idea was good . Miss Piggy got really nasty . Everybody else left the table . Miss Piggy probably now became my mom . She may have looked at me and asked me for advice about the situation . I was out on a road near the house I lived in in my last three years of high school . I was walking down the quiet , empty road . Parked on the left ( my left ) side of the road , just a few houses down from my house , was a big truck , like a semi - truck without a trailer , or like a really big tow truck . I had possibly seen a car come driving up the road . To avoid the car I walked over into the gutter of the left side of the road - - though , for some reason , I didn 't get up onto the sidewalk . But the car , instead of traveling along the regular area for driving , veered into the gutter to come after me . Of course , the big truck was parked right in the gutter . But somehow the car had managed to wedge itself in between the passenger side of the truck and the curb . It was like the truck hadn 't parked flush with the curb , and the car was now managing to wedge into , and widen , that gap . The car was doing all of this in order to come after me . I remained calm . I knew the car had seen me in the distance and had wanted to taunt me somehow . When I 'd gotten out of the way , the car just looked for a new way to get into my way . He 'd found it . Now he was trying to scare me . But I would just remain calm . I got past the car - - I 'm not sure how . I have an image in my mind of a black iron structure , kind of in the lattice pattern of space scaffolding . I was now on the driver 's side and tail end of the truck , looking back up at the truck . There were a couple of guys standing outside the truck , watching the guy in the car . The car was now on the driver 's side , slamming his car right up against the back end of the front wheel . I could now see the guy driving the car . He was an older man , maybe in his sixties . He had long , grey hair with a balding forehead . The guy had actually managed , by pushing on the back end of the front wheel , to move the truck forward . The truck shot forward by a couple of houses . The guy probably stayed in his car . But he addressed the two other guys . He told them that he could move any vehicles like that , if they were obstacles in their way . The other guys , who were probably thirty or forty years old , thought the guy was crazy . But they humored him and told him okay . Apparently , I understood , the guys had been doing some kind of work around here . But the truck had appeared to be in the guys ' way . So the old man , without even having been asked , decided he 'd come up and push the truck away . The guys hadn 't really asked for it . But now it was done , they were kind of pleased . The old man said , " Yeah , and you can make money off of this kind of stuff , too . For instance , I don 't know who owns this big truck . So we can 't do anything with it . " But there 's another big truck down the road . " ( I had an image in my mind 's eye of a huge , black pickup truck down about a block and a half , on the other side of the road . ) " That car 's just been sitting there for years . If I moved it for you guys , you could make tons of money . " I know the guy who used to own it . He died a few years back . " The old man explained how the dead man 's family either didn 't know about the vehicle or didn 't care about it and would rather let it sit there and rot than figure out what to do with it . Apparently this kind of gross neglect made the vehicle anybody 's property - - if they could move it . The old man was familiar with these laws and he could move the vehicle . But the two other guys weren 't interested in the old man 's proposition . The old man may have driven away . I walked away . I quickly found myself in a structure like a horse stable . But the structure was only a few houses down and across the street from where I 'd been before . It didn 't have a ceiling , and it was made of fencing rather than solid walls . The fencing was horizontal boards , maybe a foot wide and six feet long , painted white . The floor of the stable was cluttered with blankets . My aunt was driving a car that looked almost exactly like the head of the Super Mario Brothers video game character Yoshi . She was pulling the car backward . I was right behind the car . But my aunt didn 't care . She would happily have backed right over me . She almost did back over me . But somehow I missed getting hit . I was flustered that my aunt almost killed me - - without even seeming to care ! I didn 't see any exit in the stable . But somehow my aunt managed to back up , twist to her right , and pull forward out of the stable . After exiting the stable , my aunt stopped the car . My aunt could tell I was upset . She shouted back at me , " If you really cared about your life , you 'd have looked at me backing up , and you 'd have gotten out of the way ! " My aunt then probably drove away . H and I were in our seats . We sat on the left side of the train . But we got a little bit anxious . We had been out on this trip a year ago . I thought I 'd remembered what train stop we were supposed to get off on . But now I was less and less sure of it . We couldn 't miss our stop . If we did , we 'd have to get off in the middle of nowhere and wait - - maybe hours ! - - for another train . I had my phone in my hand . But I wasn 't using it to find directions , which would have been simple . Instead , H and I stood out of our seats to get nearer to the exit door of the train . We 'd look out the door at every stop . We 'd read the sign to see what each stop was . If the sign looked familiar , or if the stop sounded familiar , we 'd get out there and hope we were right . As we got out of our seats , I noticed that the train car was really big , almost like the passenger cabin of a huge airplane . There were our aisle of seats , a central aisle , which had a lot of seats , and a third aisle of seats , next to the opposite windows . But the train still felt tight and crowded . Every seat was filled . But as we walked forward , toward the exit door , the train car became gigantic . It was actually like a waiting room for a train - - or even like a departure gate at an airport ! There were people sitting in chairs , people standing up near assistance desks , people sitting on the floors with their luggage , and people sitting , near windows , in seats that actually looked like regular train car seats . H had also transformed . Instead of being Japanese , she was now a white woman with brown hair . She looked a bit like one of the girls I 'd looked up to in high school as being well - organized and smart . We had a direct view to the exit doors as they opened . As we read the signs , we got a bad feeling that we may have gone too far . I thought that maybe we were supposed to go too far . Maybe what we 'd forgotten was that we 'd had to go too far , then take another train and backtrack to where we wanted to go . That 's why we weren 't seeing the final stop . But I couldn 't remember what the connecting point would be , either . H thought we should ask somebody for directions . We walked around the gigantic car , asking the masses of people if they knew how to get to the water park . Some people thought they might know , but they didn 't give a really clear answer . Other people had forgotten , just like us . Other people were going to the water park , too . But they were certain that the train had deliberately skipped that stop so that nobody could go to the water park . But suddenly I saw a stop that sounded familiar to me . I ran out the door and rushed along the platform . I was assuming that we had to run quickly to catch the connecting train . I also assumed that H was with me . I rushed down a set of steps , against a flow of people . But about halfway down the steps , I stopped . I suddenly realized that this was only a stop that had struck me as interesting during last year 's trip . I still had a number of stops to go . As if to confirm this , I looked down at a slip of paper in my hand . The slip was white with red writing . It was a timetable for the train . It listed all the stops , including the one I 'd need to get off on . I think it was right then , too , that I realized that all this time I could just have looked at my phone for directions . But now it seemed too late for something like that . And now I also realized that H hadn 't gotten off the train with me . She 'd stayed on . She must be wondering where I was . I had to get back onto the train , and back to H ! I ran back up the steps and toward the train . But , still some distance away from the train , I could see that it was already pulling away . I kept running after it , though , hoping against hope that I would be able to get back on it . Fortunately , the train did stop . I was still a ways away from the doors . They opened and closed quickly . It seemed that the train was going to start moving again . But it didn 't . The train doors opened again . A young , white man in a business suit threw himself into one of the doors as it closed , jamming the rest of the doors . The doors re - opened and I quickly slid inside . I was back on the train , but I was only relieved for a moment . I had no idea where H now was . I also had a bad feeling that I hadn 't really gotten back onto the train I 'd gotten off of , but that I 'd gotten onto a train that had followed the train I 'd originally been on . If that were the case , H would be alone on the other train . I had to find out if H was okay . But I couldn 't think of any way to do this . Finally , after some rigorous concentration , I figured out that I could probably text H on my phone , figure out where she was , and figure out whether we were on the same train . If we weren 't on the same train , I could at least figure out how and where we could reunite with each other . There was a group of pretty nasty criminals , maybe four guys . Their crimes had been proven . But the crimes hadn 't been bad enough to send them to jail or execute them . Instead , as punishment , the men were all being exiled to another location . They may not even have been told that their crimes had been discovered , proven , and submitted for sentencing . They were simply being contained by a group of people and being kept calm and happy until they were moved . The place they were being moved to wasn 't very different from this place . And they would be kept calm and happy there . But as punishment for their crimes , they simply had to be moved out of their present location . I was among the group of people containing the men . We had all split up . The four men were also probably split up . We didn 't really have to encounter the men . But if we did encounter them , we had to act like nothing was wrong . If the men knew they 'd been convicted of crimes , they 'd become terribly violent . We had to act like we didn 't even know they 'd committed a crime . But I personally felt like the crime the men had committed had been too nasty to get off with such a light punishment . I 'd do my job of simply containing the men . But I was bitter about it . And I wished that something would happen that would justify my killing the men - - especially their leader . I then stumbled upon the leader . He was maybe in his late forties or early fifties . He was rough looking . He was bald and had an olive complexion . He had big , brown eyes and cheeks mossed over with dark , black stubble . He seemed intelligent , but not very cultured . He probably wore a well - fit , black sweater and black slacks . He was carrying a big , clear , blue glass jug . It had apparently had alcohol in it . But it may now have been empty . I tried to follow protocol and act calm with the man . But he immediately became violent with me . I resisted the strong temptation I had to fight with the man . But the man smashed his jug on the ground . He still had a handle on the jug . But now it was broken into a huge , sickle - shaped and cylindrical shard . The man overpowered me , even though he didn 't have me pressed to the ground , and walked me backwards , constantly jamming the sharp glass at my throat . I was managing to push the shard away from me by pressing against the semi - cylindrical back curve . But the man was stronger than I . It was only a matter of time before he 'd manage to get at me . I reached up to the top of the shard and broke off a fragment ( ? ? ? ) . I then flailed out of the man 's grip and lunged at the man . I sliced at the man 's throat . I managed to cut into the man 's throat , but only lightly . Just a thin trickle of blood ran out of the scrape , which stretched along a three - inch expanse in the center of the man 's throat . The man suddenly calmed down . He stared at me and aspirated a soft , little chuckle . He said , " But , no . Of course you wouldn 't do that . You wouldn 't kill me . You wouldn 't even try . You just aren 't that kind of a person . " The man was now getting ready to walk away . His three cohorts had come to this spot as well . From here , they were going to go off somewhere else . They hadn 't all gotten close to each other . But I could see them all at different corners of the woods . The man couldn 't see for himself that his throat had been cut . I knew that if the cohorts told the man that his throat had been cut , the man would become terribly angry . The only reason he hadn 't stayed angry was that he 'd thought I was being my " usual " gentle self with him . In fact , the man was still walking close to me , mumbling on and on about how I 'd never try to slit his throat . The man had gone from being clothed in well - fitting , all black clothes to being clothed in the tattered rags of a business suit . At this point , as if to prove that he 'd go crazy if he ever found out I 'd tried to kill him , the man dropped his pants and walked around with his pants around his ankles . Time passed , and I was now much closer to the resort . The man had , after all , found out that I 'd tried to kill him . Now he was getting ready to retaliate . His method was that he was going to infiltrate the resort . He was going to act as an operative and incite a rebellion among the young people within the resort . By inciting a rebellion among the young people , the man would cause the younger generation to lose their rights . The older generation would then take over . Somehow this would give the man the upper hand - - even though I 'm not sure what good it would do him . He 'd still most likely be transported out of this place . The man came into the room . He wasn 't disguised , necessarily . But he had something with him , something like credentials , which gave him the " official identity , " regardless of his external appearance , of being somebody who was okay for being inside the resort . The person who handled the entrance and exit of people - - a kind of young , inexperienced person - - accepted the man . The man was simply allowed to go into the resort . I had to stand by and watch . If the person was accepted by the person in charge of accepting people , I simply couldn 't do anything about it . Time passed again . I was on an outdoor balcony level of the main building of the resort , looking down over some concrete courtyard . The balcony I was on was wide and open , pleasant for large groups of people , and had been a favorite hangout for the young people . But just recently the young people , incited to rebellion by the criminal leader , had gotten into a fight with some officials on the balcony . The young people had been forced down from the balcony and into the courtyard . A whole riot crew - - bulletproof vests , black helmets , night sticks , and all - - had been assembled and was approaching the courtyard , unbeknownst to the young people in the courtyard . Now the riot crew attacked . The young people , who were basically dressed in t - shirts and jeans , were pretty much powerless against the riot crew . The riot crew proceeded to pummel any young person they could get their hands on . I knew the criminal leader was behind all this . I knew if I could stop him , I could stop the attacks . A man in his thirties walked up into the courtyard . He was a white man with red - tanned skin , strawberry blonde hair , and chiseled , muscular features . He wore a beautiful business suit , spectacles , and a long , pea - colored trenchcoat . He was carrying a briefcase with him . It was obvious he had just come from a business trip and was just now arriving back at the resort . The riot crew turned toward the business man . He looked young enough to attack . But when the riot crew saw who the man was , they immediately stopped and backed away from him . He was not fair game . The business man walked up a stairwell at the edge of the courtyard . I now knew the criminal leader was approaching . I had to confront him and defeat him , even if my orders were not to do so . However , I knew as I was walking away from where I 'd been standing , that I was leaving a little girl without my protection . The little girl lay on a mattress on the floor of the balcony . She was being tended to by a very old man or woman . But the fate of the resort hinged on the health and safety of the little girl . I walked down along the balcony , to where there seemed to be a lot more activity , like people consulting with one another regarding what to do about the unrest in the courtyard . I may have missed the criminal leader - - or I may have watched him walk right past me , as if he didn 't quite exist while I was watching him ! But I must have seen him again - - I remember seeing him in his black outfit . There seemed to be fires and explosions . And then suddenly everything seemed to have calmed down . I don 't know what the result of the conflict was . But I think some mutual understanding was arrived at between the people who had revolted and the people who had set the riot crews on them . But I knew , even as I headed back to my post , that the criminal leader had approached the little girl . I assumed that if he had approached her , he had most likely killed her . I needed to make sure the little girl was safe . I was now rushing back to my post to check on the welfare of the little girl . I was terribly distraught . But as soon as I approached the little girl 's mattress , the scene would start over again . I 'd be a little distance from the mattress , not able to see the girl . I 'd rush up to the mattress and just get a glimpse of the girl . Then the scene would start again . I think I saw the scene three times . The first time , I 'm pretty sure , I discovered that the girl had been killed by the criminal leader . I felt horribly guilty . The second time , the girl may have been attacked , but still alive . The third time , the girl may have been very sick , suffering from some kind of a fever , and possibly in grave danger , but untouched by the criminal leader . |
I was possibly in an office . The office was dim , lit mostly by colored spotlights , like a stage or a dance club . There was some special event going on to honor the members of a company . It was like the company was the client of the company I was working for . But we weren 't celebrating the company just because they were our client , but because they had passed a serious milestone in their history . I sat in a cubicle in a central area of the room . I had a computer , and probably some boards of technical controls . Before me was a wall . But most of the wall was cleared away , like it was supposed to be a window wall . I could see another cubicle on the other side of the wall . I could possibly see another few cubicle . It was like I sat in a column of cubicles in the center of this office - like room , like this central column was a supporting pillar for the building . Along the walls of the room were booth - seats . People sat in the booth seats . These people were more important than the people in the cubicles . Another man sat in a cubicle to my right . He was giving a big toast , mentioning everybody in the company he thought had really contributed to the company 's great achievement . He would say a person 's name , then give a brief description of the person , either what kind of person the person was or what the person had done for the company . I knew there was one woman in particular , a blonde woman in her late forties , who I felt deserved a lot of praise . She was one of the company 's co - founders . I felt she should have been among the first to receive praise . But the man listed a few more people , then conspicuously stopped . I realized he really wasn 't going to mention the woman . I looked at the man 's face ( apparently I had an open wall to my right , now , too ) . He was glowering bitterly at the woman . I had a feeling the man had just blown off the woman because he didn 't like the fact that she as a woman was so powerful in business . I felt like I needed to stand up for the woman . But the man who had been announcing things was a key figure in the company . So he was also a client , and therefore not subject to criticism . But I couldn 't help myself . I stood up and called out , " You forgot to honor somebody , didn 't you ? You forgot to honor her . Why don 't you say a few words about her at least ? " Everybody in the room gasped . I knew I had done something stupid . If I made this guy mad , he could pull out his business . We could lose our client . But I still couldn 't help feeling like it was right to have ignored the woman . I went about my work like nothing had happened , even though everybody now seemed to be staring constantly at me . I went into some other cubicle and began hooking up a computer system . The cubicle had no lights on , but a grey - white fluorescent light was shining through a window - like space . I had to set a CPU in a specific place , then loop the cord around the edge of a desk . This seemed like a really clever technical task to me . I then stood up . I walked to where the woman was sitting . I asked her to come with me . I was going to force the man to say something about the woman by having the woman stand face to face with the man . I was pretty angry , but I tried to hide my anger . I tried to make the woman feel good about herself . I asked her , " What 's it like , you know , watching this thing go from a little baby into a fifty billion dollar company ? " The man set his jaw tightly in anger and said , " I see you in the future , going to another business , making a quick 4 . 5 grand , " ( which meant $ 4 . 5 billion ) " but not without a good amount of debt . But even after the debt , you 'll be in good shape . You 'll probably spend the rest of your life with that money . . . " the man then mentioned something he thought the woman would do , something the man thought was absurd , like donating to charity or art funds , or even becoming an artist herself . I walked back to the booth seats with the woman . I thought to myself that that idea had backfired on me . I 'd tried to get the man to say something nice to the woman . All he did was imply a few indifferent and negative things about her . The room of booth seats was now filled with natural light , like there were windows over the seats and it was daytime . The room also had a hazy feel to it , like I was very bleary - eyed . I saw my old boss CR off in a booth seat to my right , talking and laughing with a couple clients . The woman sat down . I sat down to the woman 's right . The woman seemed upset . I couldn 't blame her . The man now came and sat to my right . He was wearing a white , beach - style shirt with multicolored floral prints and khaki shorts . I thought he was going to say something nasty to me . But he muttered in my ear , " Hey , man , tell your boss he 's gotta watch his hair . Otherwise he 's going to start poking the people around him . " I wondered what the man could be talking about . I looked over to my boss . I saw that he had run his fingers through his hair , and that thick , swirled , spiky locks of hair really were coming about one or two inches off from his head . I realized the guy was trying to joke with me , even though he had sounded a bit sullen when he 'd made the comment . The man started talking to me a little more freely about the company . But something about his attitude , maybe the fact that he still wasn 't regarding the woman , made the woman stand up and walk away . I sat frozen , not really knowing how to react . The man said , " Do you feel like going after her ? You want to defend her . I can tell . Do you like her ? Would you like to be with her ? I think she 'd be with you , if you wanted . She might like you , too . " I was out in some open area , near the top of a hill , with my mom . The area around us was like a dirt lot , or like land that had been cleared for development . The sun was shining behind some thin clouds , giving the sky a silvery - white appearance . We had just departed from my grandfather ( who died about four years ago IWL ) and my step - grandmother . They were down at the bottom of the hill . They were both getting in a car to drive away . They may have been planning to go back home . I think my step - grandma was driving . She may have gotten into the car first . Before my grandpa got into the car , he called to me , " When you get over to my house , you 'll see a huge pile of dirt in the yard . Make sure you shovel all that dirt to the very front of the driveway , so people in the neighborhood know they can have the dirt . Also , give your aunt a call and let her know that she can have some of the dirt if she wants it . " My mom and I turned and walked away from the slope . We may have been heading to a car of our own . I was thinking that I really didn 't want to have to talk to my aunt . But I knew I had to listen to my grandpa . I wondered how I 'd get around this problem . My mom and I were now in my grandpa 's house . We had a huge load of pale green towels . We were going to take them to the laundry . Each of the towels had its own name . Each name had the word " life " or " living " in it . We were now in a laundry room . The room was all white , with bright , white sunlight pouring in through the windows . The washing machine was in one section of the room . My mom and I were in another section of the room . The two sections were divided by a wall that seemed to be made out of wooden beams and transparent , but foggy , plastic . A Latina woman stood before a huge washing machine . My mom and I spoke with the woman around a doorway . The woman offered us some towels , like they were towels she found had gone missing from our last load of laundry . We traded her the towels we had for the towels she had . But one specific towel , which was meant for my mom , was goldenrod - colored . This towel had the name " think . " I thought it was weird that my mom had gotten a " think " towel instead of a " life " towel . But I didn 't worry about it too much . We did have a few goldenrod towels in the load of towels the woman had just given us . But the majority of our towels were still green " life " towels . I was at " my family 's house , " sitting right in a doorway between a bedroom and the living room . My mom and my brother also sat in the doorway : my mom to my right and my brother to my left . The doorway was wide , with a folding door that would run across it . The bedroom was dark , and the living room was lit . My mom and my brother were having an argument , possibly about my brother borrowing money . Both my mom and my brother were smoking cigarettes . The argument reached a level of intensity where my mom stood up and left , not wanting to listen to anymore . She also may have had somewhere to go . My brother was mad that my mom had just stood up and left . He blew smoke in my face and stood up to follow my mother - - maybe she was taking him somewhere . But I had gotten so frustrated over the arguing , and I was so mad that my brother had blown smoke in my face , that I stood up and got right into my brother 's face , telling him , " Stop doing this kind of crap , man ! " My brother acted mad at first . Then his face got really sad . He just said , " Come on , just leave me alone , " and walked out the door . I felt really bad for having gotten angry with my brother . I knew he was emotionally unstable , delicate , and insecure . I didn 't want to make him feel even worse about himself . I was also afraid that , now that he was mad at me , too , he might pull some kind of bad prank on me . I was now sitting on the floor in the living room . My nephews and niece may have been running around the living room and playing . My brother was now in the living room . It was like he had come back from wherever my mom had taken him . I stood up to talk to him . He was wearing some weird items of clothing . One item was like a tie . The other was like suspenders on his left shoulder . But the material then ran around his waist at a right angle to the " suspender . " The material was black and dotted with little , green frogs and some other design I can 't remember . I wanted to apologize to my brother for my behavior before . But my brother could sense that I was sorry . He acted like it was no big deal . My brother pointed to the ceiling and said , " I get so frustrated with these kids sometimes . My dress pants were hanging on a hanger up there . They were a really nice brand . They were grey slacks , made of really nice fabric , and they had pinstripes running down them . Then one day I came home , and the kids had torn the pants in half . You know how ? They were swinging off of them - - using my pants as a swing - - until they got torn from the hanger . " I had just moved into a new apartment . My mom 's ex - boyfriend was there with me . I think he was there because he 'd known about the place - - like he 'd owned or rented it before - - and he wanted to check it out to make sure it was okay before I moved into it . It all seemed to be okay . Everything was really dusty . But other than that , it was good . My mom 's ex - boyfriend was gone . I was walking around the apartment by myself . I walked into the next room , the kitchen . There was a broom there . I think I thought my mom had left the broom for me . When she 'd seen this place , she 'd noticed how dusty it was . She 'd thought it was neglectful of me not to have swept . So she 'd left this broom for me . I took the broom with me and entered the next room . I walked into another room . Suddenly I realized - - both the rooms I 'd walked through after the kitchen were huge ! They were both tall and spacious , with the back walls being beautiful , wood - framed window - walls . And they were both well - furnished and decorated : almost as well as a room in a mansion - like museum , like the Morgan Library or the Frick Collection in New York . The next room was to the left of this room . Now the rooms came one after another in the opposite direction . I walked through one huge room into another huge room . A massive , wooden table in this room had a small , bronze sculpture of a buffalo atop it . I began to feel extremely lucky . I was trying to remember how I 'd actually managed to get into this place . I was paying rent for it , but barely anything - - $ 650 a month - - for something of this size and beauty . I wondered if the upstairs neighbors would be noisy . But with this much space , and these high ceilings , I doubted it . I couldn 't figure how I was being allowed to live here . The only thing I could guess was that I 'd promised to keep the place clean - - which was something I thought I would have no problem doing . I was so excited and happy about getting to live here ! I could see out the window that people were coming up to the door . It looked like one or two wealthy , white families . They walked into the house with no problem , like they had a key of their own . I didn 't know who they were . But I think they were talking about buying the apartment . There were two older men and two older women . I don 't know if they were present , but a young man and young woman were also being spoken of , as if they were the son of one family and the daughter of another , getting married . The men may have been joking about how irresolute the son often was , even though he was really handsome and really smart , and may already have had a really good job . Nobody was paying any attention to me . I still didn 't quite know what they were here for , even though I think the families were buying this apartment for the couple - to - be . I wondered whether I was going to have to leave this place soon . I 'd just gotten settled in , and already I was being forced out . But I resolved that , until I knew for sure what was going on , I 'd just get to work on cleaning the house and act like this was where I was going to be living for a while . I didn 't want to leave the living room while the family was here . I had a bad feeling that if I left while they were here , they 'd make some kind of nasty plans against me . So I sat down on the couch , broom still in hand , and acted like I was just taking a rest . The older men started talking about other stuff , maybe business in general . They decided that they 'd like to have some coffee and maybe muffins while they were here . So one of the men sat down on the opposite end of the couch from me . The other man may have tried to sit in the middle section of the couch . But suddenly I found myself getting very tired . I stretched out over my section and the middle section of the couch , maybe even knocking into the man sitting at the opposite end of the couch . At this point my dream faded into waking life , and I was stretching out in the same weird way in my bed . I was sitting up on one of the counters , talking with somebody else in the room , probably a young woman . The woman was asking me about my old careers . She asked me something about the work I did in New York for Americorps . She asked me something like , " Didn 't they really respect you and look up to you there ? " A man now came walking in through the door . He was a young , good looking business man . He was blonde and tan with blue eyes . He wore a business suit with a tan or pea - colored trench coat over it . He said he 'd heard what I 'd been speaking about . He wondered if I could come somewhere with him and speak with him a little bit more . I was out with my sister in some residential neighborhood . My sister was leaving me here to take care of something . But I may have been set to meet her somewhere else later on . When I got out of the shower , I put on an orange t - shirt . I started walking along the road , when two teenage girls standing in a front yard began laughing at me . I looked down to see that I wasn 't wearing any pants or underwear - - just my t - shirt ! I knew I had brought some clothes with me when I 'd left my sister . They were probably in a backpack . But where had I put that backpack ? I thought I 'd brought it with me when I 'd walked over to the shower . But maybe I 'd left it at the point where my sister and I had split ways . I tried running back to that point . But I couldn 't remember exactly where it was . The neighborhood now looked different , too . The houses were all small and cheap , and the yards were barren and full of garbage . I looked to my left down one block to see a couple of guys moving some stuff out of a house . The whole block seemed to be full of cellophane and packing foam . I may have begun to think that my sister was getting revenge on me for something by having taken my backpack back home with her . Maybe she thought I 'd done something perverted to her . So now she was making me feel perverted by leaving me out on the street with no clothes . But I finally found the block where I thought I 'd departed from my sister . I was certain I could find the yard my sister and I had been standing in , and that the backpack would be right there . But there were two old men standing out and talking in one of the yards . I had to sneak past them . I knew if they saw me in this neighborhood they 'd think I was a thief . I walked into a movie theater . The theater was big , and I was the only one in there so far . I had a backpack with me . I sat it down on the left side of the center aisle , a few rows forward from the back row . I then felt like I needed to leave the theater for a moment . So I left the theater . But standing out in the hallway , I realized I 'd left my backpack . I needed to go grab it . I couldn 't let it sit in there . Somebody would steal it . So I ran back into the theater to grab the backpack . But now I couldn 't find it . I couldn 't remember exactly what row I 'd been sitting in . I went through a number of the rows , but I couldn 't find the right row . Now a few more people were filtering into the theater . I told myself that it was odd I 'd chosen a back row , anyway . Usually I choose a front row . I was on a thin , wooden platform with my two oldest nephews . The platform was suspended over some kind of dirty body of water . The platform was long . But something about it felt very uncertain , and it was hard for my nephews to stay on it . My second oldest nephew actually fell off the platform . But I managed to grab hold of him as he fell off . He was now just hanging by my hands . Then my oldest nephew fell off the platform . Somehow both of my nephews were holding onto me . I had slipped off the platform , too , and was just holding on by one hand . We were now all three in the water . Now it was like it had just been a game . But I was really upset . I was yelling at my second oldest nephew , telling him that if he 'd just paid attention to something and done it the way I 'd told him to , that we wouldn 't have had any problems staying up on the platform . Now we were involved in some kind of speed - swimming game . Our bodies sped through the water , as if we were boats , or as if we were actually gliding just above the surface of the water . We had to swim through a big body of water , then through a smaller , adjoining body of water , and finally into a small pool of water . The small pool of water was divided , by muddy walls , into two sections . Then we had to turn back and return to the starting point in the big body of water . This whole circuit somehow described a figure eight . I went through once by myself and managed to get some time like eighteen seconds . I next went through with my oldest nephew . It now appeared that in the two small pools of water there were fish - like zombie creatures . My oldest nephew somehow got injured by one and had to go to the doctor . I went through the circuit again with my second oldest nephew . We got to the small pools as well . But as my nephew was coming out of the second small pool , he got stabbed in the left arm by one of the zombie fish . He showed me the stab wound . It looked like it had been made by a straight , tubular device , almost like an old TV antenna . My nephew was wearing a white t - shirt , which now had pinkish lines of blood flowing down it . My nephew was worried . He knew that once you got injured by a zombie , you were most likely going to become a zombie . My nephew was now gone , most likely getting medical help . I now floated around in the second body of water , looking back toward the small pools of water . I knew that there were zombies in every part of these waters . They could attack you anywhere . But they seemed to be really nasty in the small pools . And , even though this was just a game , if a zombie attacked you , you could really die or become a zombie . One guy said he had given up on the game because it was truly impossible , and that the game was just made to cheat people . Another guy said he 'd also given up on the game . But he was trying to point out some secret tips that are given to you in the game . I now turned around and looked over my left shoulder . Beyond a window , I saw my little niece playing around in a set of trees in a small garden . I realized that I was at some sports center . I had been here with my family , playing in the pool . Everybody else had gone to take a shower . But I was still in the pool , for some reason . My family was all getting ready to leave . My niece and her older brothers were playing around in the little garden while waiting for my mom , and possibly my sister and brother - in - law , to come outside . But my niece , now seeing my mom and getting the idea that the family was going to leave without me , asked them to wait for me . I didn 't know whether my family would wait . But I got out of the pool and headed out of the sports center without even taking a shower . I may have seen my niece for a second . But now it was like everybody was gone . My family had to go on some big cruise , so they headed out to some big cruise ship . My niece had wanted my mom to wait so she could say goodbye to me before heading on the cruise . My mom had decided that they would wait for me near the cruise ship . I could say goodbye there . I got to the cruise ship . There was a big rope - maze line leading up to the cruise ship . I may have seen my family for a second as they were working there way through the line . But the line was virtually empty , and my family must have gotten through it rather quickly . I now stood before the ship with my grandmother , my mom 's mom . We looked up to the deck of the ship , which was far above us , trying to spot my family . I may have said something to my grandma about not having been able to see my family and say goodbye . My grandma may have replied , but I can 't remember what she said . But now I was up in some cruise ship . I was in a gigantic room that looked kind of like a library . But the room was full of tables that stood rather high , maybe about shoulder level for me . The seats for the tables were also rather tall . The tables and seats were arranged today to face one end of the room , which felt like the back end of the room , even though the entrance door was on the same wall . Every seat was probably filled for the event taking place . I sat near the front row , on the left side . Jennifer Lopez walked into the room . She may have had a new movie coming out , so she was going to give an interview to everybody in this room . But she said she only had a limited amount of time . She could only take nine questions . She took the first question from somebody in one of the farther back rows . The guy 's question was really long - winded . It was basically asking why Jennifer Lopez could only take nine questions . But it was working all kinds of weird symbolism into the question , involving the numbers three and six . Eventually Lopez just got annoyed and asked the guy to ask his question directly . The guy asked why Lopez could only take nine questions . Lopez gave an answer I can 't remember . Then Lopez walked right up to my table and playfully slammed on it , saying , " Okay . Now , you ! I want to hear a question from you ! " I was kind of shocked . I didn 't really know much about Jennifer Lopez . I 'd just come here because I thought it would be interesting to see the event . But if Lopez wanted me to ask a question , I figured I 'd better do so . I thought hard about it for a second . I remembered I 'd just seen a movie with Lopez in it , and that it had had a scene that had made me kind of curious . I asked Lopez , " You know , in that cartoon movie you just did a voice for , there 's a scene where you 're a little girl , and you 're on a ship , getting ready to say goodbye to a little boy who you had a crush on , but who 's now leaving on the ship . And I was just wondering , is that from real life ? Cause it seemed like a really personal scene . And if it was from real life , could you tell us anything about that boy ? " Lopez was back up in her own seat at the front of the room , possibly flanked by a couple of guys who looked like bodyguards . She laughed and said something like , " Oh , I knew you would ask a question like that ! Yes , the scene is from real life . And yes , I did like that boy . We were from the same neighborhood . And we never saw each other again . " Lopez went on to the next question , like she had given a sufficient answer to my question . I could tell she was glossing over a lot of the more personal issues I thought would have been interesting to hear . I think the details may have been a little embarrassing to her . I figured I wouldn 't push the issue , and I 'd just leave my question at that . Somehow I 'd managed to get a hold of Lady Gaga on the phone . But even as we started talking , Lady Gaga appeared right next to me . Lady Gaga looked surprisingly normal . She had platinum blonde hair in a kind of round style , down to just below her shoulders . She wore black sunglasses , a black , leather jacket , a tank top , short , denim jeans , and maybe some black nylons . We were sitting in a wide car seat , like the backseat of a car from the 1970s . But we weren 't really in a car . We were in a room filled with stuff like colorful toys and stuffed animals , cluttered all around us . We were talking for a while , but I can 't remember what we were talking about . Then Lady Gaga asked me if I wanted to kiss her . I didn 't feel like I was incredibly attracted to her . But she kind of had a hypnotic power over me . Plus , she was a big celebrity , and she was being so nice to me . I thought I 'd better kiss her . I slowly moved toward her . I think Lady Gaga 's lips were bubblegum - pink . And up close , her cheeks looked a little chubby and cute . We kissed softly on the lips for a few seconds . It felt kind of magnetic . It felt really nice . Then I was standing off of the car seat . It was like Lady Gaga was driving away , though I still don 't think the car seat was in an actual car . Lady Gaga said , " Yeah , your story 's fine . I have to go take care of some stuff now . Maybe I 'll come back here when I 'm done . Will you be available if I come around ? " I was laying out on a high school football field . It must have been late afternoon . The sun had gone down . The clouds all had a strange tinge of raspy , aluminum - pale orange . The air had the same kind of color . But I could see just behind the first layer of orange clouds was another layer of really dark grey - black clouds . I knew there was going to be a big thunderstorm . I turned my head and told the football coach ( ? ) that there was going to be a thunderstorm . I was kind of afraid to be laying out here like this . A huge tunnel opened up in the sky . The walls of the tunnel were made of orange clouds and grey - black clouds , interwoven . The tunnel seemed to work its way high up into the atmosphere , maybe even all the way into outer space . I may have seen large rocks floating through or falling through the tunnel . I got really afraid of the impending thunderstorm . I stood up and walked to the edge of the field . At the edge of the field the grey - black clouds seemed to be a lot less potent . I figured I stood much less chance of being struck by lightning if I stood over here . I was in the living room of a small apartment . The living room was bright white with daylight . I knelt before a couch , on which a little girl sat . Just to the right of the couch was the kitchen , in which the mom may have been working . There may have been one or two more kids in the apartment . The little girl on the couch got upset . She asked , " What do you mean he 's coming home right now ? He wasn 't supposed to come home until later ! That doesn 't give us any time to prepare his surprise birthday party ! " The father came into the house . He was tall , pale , muscular , and attractive , with wavy , brown hair done in a square - swept , almost 1950s style . He wore a white t - shirt and blue jeans . He said hello as he walked in . The father looked a little inconvenienced , knowing that he 'd have to go back outside so everybody could put his party together . But he figured he 'd do it , if it made the little girl happy . So he said , " Oh , you know , I forgot I have to go pick up this thing . It 's gonna take me a while . But I 'll be back in a bit . " As soon as the father got out the door , the little girl stood up . She said , " Okay . Now we really have to get working to make the surprise party . " The little girl turned to me and said , " You help me make the hard - boiled eggs . " The little girl and I were now in the kitchen , which was different from the kitchen the mother had been in . This one wasn 't open to the living room , and it ended directly in front of the front door to the apartment . The counter was all cluttered with all kinds of food . There was a television set at the right end of the counter . Some show was blaring away on it . The little girl had been preparing some eggs for me . Apparently , making hard - boiled eggs was a two - step process . I was the second step , which was boiling the eggs . The little girl , who may now have been my sister , at her age in waking life , now left the kitchen . She was heading out with a few other people . I think everybody was going out to get items for the party . I looked at the eggs my sister had left me with . I knew she had done something to prepare them so I could boil them . But , I thought , I had to get them into the pot as soon as possible . I picked up one of the eggs . It crumbled in my hands . It was like there hadn 't even been anything inside the shell . I looked down at the eggs . They were all on a plate , or maybe on an upside - down lid for a Tupperware container . One of the eggs looked cracked and buckled in all the way around . The cracks looked all rusty . I tried to pick up another one of the eggs . But when I did , it uncoiled , like it was a peeled potato / egg that had been re - spooled to look unpeeled , but then came all unwound as soon as I 'd touched it . I felt like maybe I 'd waited too long to put the eggs in the pot . Or maybe I 'd mishandled them all in some way . Whatever had happened , these eggs were no good . I 'd have to prepare a new batch of eggs for boiling . I didn 't think I knew how to do it . I 'd have to ask my sister . But my sister wouldn 't be back for a while . So I 'd have to figure out for myself how to prepare the eggs . But now I was distracted by the image on TV . It was some movie from the 1980s . A bunch of hot high school girls were all getting together for the night for a slumber party . They were all wearing skimpy lingerie and frolicking around in some girl 's bedroom . I had my eyes glued to some girl laying on her stomach on the floor , cuddling with some big , soft pillow . She wore an almost see - through pink negligee . Her bottom was really turning me on . I was sitting out in some kind of plaza area at night . I sat on the ground , possibly leaning my back against the seat of a bench . My sister may have been there , too . We had some stuff with us : a couple of bikes and some other personal belongings . A little boy and an older man came and sat down by us . The little boy had olive skin and dark black , straight hair . He wore tiny , tan , corduroy shorts and a little , white t - shirt that made him look a little bit like a girl . The little boy was attracted to me . Even though he didn 't know me , he came down and sat on my lap . He sat right so his bottom was on my crotch , and he kept bouncing up and down . The little boy eventually transformed into a Latino young man who was dressed up as a girl . He was dressed in a frilly , lingerie - esque black tank top with red , lacy fringes and a pair of really short , denim shorts . His hair was black , with streaks of pale brown dyed in , and done up in loose ringlets . He also seemed to have big breasts . I had actually had an orgasm at some point in time because of the bouncing up and down . So the Latino young man figured I was attracted to him . He told me he 'd give me his phone number . I wasn 't wearing any shoes . The young man wrote his phone number on my right foot , starting at the joint where the big toe meets the foot and going all the way down past my ankle , an inch or two up my leg . The young man wrote the number in red and black . The boy 's handwriting looked very much like graffiti . The boy would write the red part first , then do a little outline in black to made it look like a shadow . I looked at the boy 's pen . It was just one pen , with one tip , and no switching buttons . But it was putting out red ink or black ink , whenever the boy wanted . I told the boy , " You have really good handwriting . " The young man finished and stood up . I suddenly realized that he and the older man were together . The older man hadn 't noticed the boy having sat down on me and rubbed against me until I came . And he didn 't seem to think anything of the boy having given me his phone number . The older man just thought the young man was only in love with him . The two of them got on either a motorcycle or a bicycle and rode away . My sister was either already gone or had left just now , telling me she 'd meet me wherever she was going . I now felt like I 'd been sitting around here way too long . I needed to get to wherever my sister was ! So I stood up , turned to my left , and walked along the concrete or cobblestone path along which ran the bench that I 'd been sitting against . It was a pleasant evening , and there were a lot of people out . Suddenly reflecting on the people all walking around here , I knew I had to sit back down ! I 'd just come . Would the wetness of my cum be visible on my clothes ? I looked down . I was wearing some hideous , fluorescent yellow shorts . The fabric was really thin , and , just as I had suspected , the wetness of my cum had soaked through . I covered myself up . There was one spot I first noticed as I 'd looked , kind of right on the front and center of my shorts , a couple inches below the waist line . I tried to wipe it off and dry it off . I think I managed to get the spot to a point where I felt it was tolerably unnoticeable . But now I noticed another mess ! This one was coming out of my right pocket . It seemed like almost all my cum had flowed into my right pocket . It was clear and goopy and gross . But it wasn 't white . It was clear . And it was cold , not hot . I didn 't think I 'd be able to stand up for a long time . But out of the crowd came a kind of prissy - looking old man , carting a clothes rack full of either women 's outerwear or women 's lingerie . The styles seemed kind of stale , something very much like what I thought the prissy , old man would like . But the man stopped at me and said , " You ! Get up ! You haven 't done everything you were supposed to do with these clothes yet ! " I had a feeling I 'd done something , either messing up the clothes or committing to buying them and then breaking my commitment , that had basically made the responsibility for the clothes all mine . Even if they stayed in the prissy man 's store , I still had to take care of them . So , regardless of my fear of being seen in my cum - stained shorts , I stood up and went to the clothes rack . Slowly other elements of a shop were dragged out into the crowd , I 'm not sure by whom . There were glass display cases of items and items on pedestals . The interior of an antique store had basically been drawn out onto this walkway ! A second old man now came up to me . He had a few antiques , some of which looked like music boxes . But one antique which drew my attention was a sphere - shaped object . The man let me look at it . Most of its surface was some deep , polished color , like a deep blue or brown . On some part of its surface was a little clock face . The middle of the orb and the boundary of the clock were ringed with gold . The middle of the orb may actually have been hinged , so it could open , like an Easter egg . As I was inspecting the object , the old man was talking about the store . The way he was talking about things , it sounded like the prissy man had talked the old man into being a part of this store , almost against the old man 's wishes . It sounded like it was a little bit of a pain to work with the prissy man , simply because the man 's prissiness sometimes got to be a real bore . I dropped the orb . It almost crashed to the ground . But I flinched a few times , and all my flinches were luckily positioned so that I kept almost catching the orb , until I finally caught the orb . But now , when I looked at the orb , it may have had a surface of gold and crystal , with the clock face inside the crystal portion of the egg , tilted at about a 30 - degree angle . The old man suggested I give the orb back to him . The orb was pretty expensive , and the man didn 't want me holding onto it if I was going to be so clumsy with it . But he wasn 't mad at me . In fact , it seemed to open the old man up to telling me a bit more of his story . As the old man told me the story , the store materialized around us . We were in one room full of antiques . In another room was a perfume counter and more antiques . The prissy man may have been working at the perfume counter . The old man said how he , like a couple other old men , had owned their own stores . All the old men 's stores specialized in certain kinds of antiques . The old man 's particular store may have specialized in antique clocks or antique perfumes - - or both ! But the old man , like a couple of his friends , was discovering that the specialty antique shops were no longer able to survive on their own . The old man and his wife ( who may have appeared somewhere in the shop ) had to sell their shop . Some of their friends had to sell their shops , too . But the prissy man suggested to the old man ( and , possibly , to other old men ) that the old man let the prissy man sell the old man 's antiques in his shop . The prissy man 's shop was bigger and more comprehensive . The old man said , " Yeah , it 's hard for antique shops of any kind to survive anymore . In this town , all up and down along this road , you 'd see tons of antique shops . Now they 're all closing up , one by one . Nobody visits them anymore . That 's why it 's lucky I 'm working with him . " ( The prissy man . ) " His store isn 't an antique shop . And it has so many different kinds of things , people will always be coming to the shop . " But when I looked around the shop , all I could see were antiques . I thought , This place must be an antique shop ! And it must be doomed , just like all the other antique shops ! My vision focused on some people lifting up a painting from behind some massive , golden posts . The painting was tall and wide . It was on some thin , stiff board . It seemed to be an early evening lake scene , done in pale blues and tans . I was out in the wilderness with my sister on a hot , clear day . We stood on some ridge where we could see out over an expanse of green , but dry and craggy , slopes . My sister had to go do something . She walked away behind me . I think I knew that I 'd eventually have to turn around and head to wherever my sister had gone as well . But I think I was also hoping my sister would come back . Out here in the wilderness all alone , I felt unprotected , scared . The slope before me was now all made of plowed - up soil . It was like a construction crew was coming through this wilderness , turning it up to make some new development . The slope now lipped up before me , so that it crested above my head . I had to climb up it to see beyond it . But when I climbed up it , I decided to walk down the other side . I think I was hoping I could walk out of all this plowed - up area and into some pristine wilderness . At the bottom of the plowed - up slope was a dirt road . Across the dirt road was another plowed - up slope . I knew that beyond that slope there would be pristine wilderness . But now I looked to my right , up the dirt road . In the distance maybe four hundred meters was a wild animal . It looked like a coyote , but I thought ( or hoped ) it could be a bobcat . It had been trotting lightly across the road . But now it stopped and looked at me . I didn 't really want to go any farther in the wilderness . I 'd never had any trouble with coyotes , or any wild animal , really , in the past . But I had a weird feeling that this summer , because of the heat ( or drought ? ) , the wild animals were really hungry , and that they 'd even try to eat humans . I didn 't want to be out here alone and defenseless against a hungry animal . So I turned around and headed back up the slope . Now the slope was extremely steep . I didn 't know whether I 'd be able to make it back up the slope . But , surprisingly , I was actually bounding up the slope . I would jump upward from one foothold to another . It didn 't even seem to cause me any effort . It was kind of fun ! This whole time I thought that I needed to keep the idea of fear out of my head . If a wild animal sensed fear , it would attack me . I thought that perhaps the coyote / bobcat would see my jumping and think I was too hard to catch , not worth its time . But then I thought that maybe the motion of my jumping would be so tantalizing that the coyote / bobcat would find me a very appetizing meal indeed . But I soon reached the top of the slope . I hopped over the lip of the slope , thinking that I must have gotten up and out of sight before the coyote / bobcat could see me . But now I saw the coyote / bobcat stalking across the opposite slope . The crest of the opposite slope was now very close to the crest of this slope . I could plainly see the animal , which was a coyote . And the coyote could plainly see me . The coyote jumped from its crest to my crest . But when it reached me , it just slowly passed me , looking me over , trying to determine whether I was an enemy or a friend , but then just becoming seemingly indifferent towards me and stalking away to my right and behind me . I was still afraid . Since the coyote was behind me , did that mean it was just playing a game on me , and that it would soon attack me from behind ? But now I saw a second animal on the opposite slope . This time the animal was a bobcat ! But the bobcat 's face looked a little weird , like it was real , but like its real ( not drawn ) features had been scribbled into existence by a little child 's crayon drawings . The bobcat didn 't even wait to climb to the crest . It hopped from mid - slope to mid - slope , then climbed up and over the crest . When it got to me , it bared its teeth and made some kind of hissing sound . Its teeth seemed like needles to me . The bobcat then stalked off to my left and behind me . I now felt like I was in too much danger out here by myself . I turned around to go back to wherever I 'd come from . I was now slouch - laying sideways in a huge , padded chair in a big house like a luxury cabin in the woods . The living room was huge , calm , and filled with natural light . At the other end of the living room two girls sat in either one or two big chairs . One girl seemed to be about nine years old . The other girl seemed to be about twelve . The nine - year - old girl hopped out of her chair and walked toward me . She was really skinny and wore slim blue jeans and a slinky , striped , long - sleeved shirt . She was pale , and she had long , stringy , pale brown hair . She hopped up onto my chair and flopped down , laying on top of me . We were now covered in a blanket . I ran my hands along the girl 's sides and hips . The little girl was now gone , or possibly standing off to the side and somewhere behind me . The twelve - year - old girl stood up and seemed to be coming toward me , even though I was kind of wishing the nine - year - old girl would come back . The twelve - year - old girl wore tiny , white shorts , a tiny , white t - shirt , and a white baseball cap , which was backwards . She was a bit more plump than the younger girl . . She had a tan , and her chestnut - brown hair was just a little shorter than shoulder - length . But before the girl even reached me , another young girl sat down beside me in my chair . At my feet there was now another chair adjacent to and at right angles with my chair . Both chairs were less puffy and just a little smaller than my previous chair had been , and both were upholstered with some rough kind of yarny , tan , dark blue , and pale blue fabric . We were no longer in the living room . We were now in a gigantic cafe . The cafe may have been a Starbucks . But it was out in the woods and it was done up like a ski lodge . There were a lot of people in the cafe . But everything was so well spaced that nobody seemed to be getting into anybody else 's space . The little girl ( or boy ? ) who 'd sat down next to me really wanted to be close to me and cuddle with me . But the guy who 'd sat down in the other seat made both the girl ( or boy ) and myself afraid to do anything . I 'm not sure what the guy 's relationship was to the child . The guy was tall , young - looking , and pale , with blue eyes and a little bit of stubble on his cheeks . The guy began talking to me , like he was trying to be cool and friendly with me . He had a bit of an athletic tone to his voice , which made me feel like he was being genuine . I didn 't know how to put that same athletic tone of voice into my own speech . But I tried to talk like I was cool with the guy as well . But I didn 't like the guy very much , and I kind of thought it was an inconvenience to have to deal with him . The guy then mentioned that my mom was coming soon with all the food . I must have been a little surprised by this . The guy said , " What ? Didn 't you know your mom was here as well ? I met her in line . She told me to sit with you . She and the others would be here soon . " I sat up straight in my chair . I don 't know where the child had gone . I saw that there were two additional chairs . The chairs were all arranged around a little white cube which would serve as our table . Now my mom came up and sat in a chair . The others , probably a couple of my nephews , would be showing up soon . Now a waiter , like a stereotypical thin - mustached , French waiter , wheeled out a huge , shelved , steel cart of desserts and drinks . All the food had some kind of mango - flavored theme to it . The waiter sat item after item of mango desserts and drinks onto the white cube . In particular I remember seeing mango - flavored pies , and some weird mango smoothie - like item in a clear glass . The mango smoothie was all clumpy , so that the gunk in the glass wasn 't evenly distributed . In the empty spaces I could see some green , ropy material , like a snake mixed with a green bean , coiling upward . I was hearing a discussion in my head between myself and a woman , possibly my mother . We were talking about how , when you draw characters , if you draw characters using a grey cloak , you don 't have to give them any personality . This didn 't just have to do with the color grey . It was like the character was actually wearing some kind of cloak of grey that zipped over its entire body . I thought this cloak made drawing easier , because it erased personality and emotion from the character . But I then realized I was wrong . The grey cloak didn 't erase any personality or emotion from the character . No matter whether I drew the characters in full color or with the cloak over them , I still had to use personality and emotion . I walked into a place I supposed was a movie theatre , even though it looked like a really big classroom . The room was dark , but maybe with disco ball stars spinning around the room . At the front of the room , high up on the wall , was a rectangle of light , coming from a projection room high up on the back wall . There were a lot of rows of desks . And all the desks seemed to be filled with old friends of mine . At the back of the room was some long table that sold items related to the event taking place : maybe some kind of film festival . A lot of people still seemed to be coming into the room and filtering up into the desks . I had read the program for the event . A lot of films by Pedro Almodovar were going to be shown . I was excited about that . I pointed out the fact to one of my female friends . My friend said , " Oh , yeah . Almodovar is one of the top three directors ever in Spain . " I was walking up , trying to find a seat . Somebody up ahead of me mentioned the third director in the group . Even though I hadn 't seen any films by the director , I at least knew his name . So I called it out , something like " Ittryia " or " Attyra . " I was already ashamed that I hadn 't known the first director . So I just pretended to know about Ittryia . I said a fact I 'd known about him : that he 'd worked as a kind of assistant to Almodovar on a number of films in the 1980s , but that he 'd then gone on to make his own films . I then mentioned one of his films , which was playing here , and even though I 'd never seen it before , I went off on how good it was . Even still , I wasn 't happy with myself . People knew Almodovar , and people who knew film adored the first director . But Ittryia was really obscure and not of great interest to many people at all . So , even lying about what I knew , I knew I wasn 't really impressing anybody , or even giving them information they 'd wanted . I now sat down in one of the seats and began talking with some of my friends . But my view suddenly shifted . I was laying on my back in bed . Somebody like a combination of a police officer and a postal worker barged into my room . He threw an envelope at my stomach , said that I 'd better pay attention to it , and stomped away . I picked up the envelope and looked at it . Through the cellophane window on the front of the envelope I could see that the contents were a bill that actually looked something like a paycheck . The right side of the bill had the figure of $ 750 on it . I could faintly remember owing that amount of money . Maybe I 'd had to go to the hospital for something , like I 'd been taken into the hospital because I 'd been too drunk ( which happened to me in 1997 and 2006 ) . Or maybe I 'd even been arrested for something that I couldn 't remember . But now I looked over to the left side of the window . As I passed along the window , I 'd gotten the feeling that I 'd actually owed the $ 750 for a while now , and that I was now getting in trouble for never having paid it . On the left side of the window was another figure : $ 283 , 000 . $ 283 , 000 ? How could that be ? For some reason , something about the figure reminded me of the speed of light . It was too much money ! But the sum came , I knew , from interest fees as well as exorbitant fines that the police put on late payments - - ostensibly with the goal of getting people to pay . But I couldn 't pay . And I think the police counted on that in most of the cases like mine . The letter was really a subpoena , so that I 'd have to appear in court regarding the $ 283 , 000 I owed . And I 'd probably be sent to jail . It was night . I was probably in a huge pickup truck that my mom was driving . We 'd come from out in the country , and we were driving through rolling fields of grass . I don 't know what we 'd been doing out in the country . But my mom was now telling me how she used to take my nephews out to this area with their sheep - - apparently the family used to own sheep . The family would actually take cows and sheep down to this area . The cows were sold as food . The sheep actually carried the cows on their backs . I saw in my mind 's eye how this was done . A cow would be cut open and have its guts hollowed out . Then the empty carcass of the cow was sat over the sheep 's back , so that it looked like the sheep was giving the cow a ride . It would have looked playful , had the cow not been all bloody . Something about the sheep was also sold , but I don 't know what . The main thing my mom spoke about regarding the sheep was how my family had gotten the sheep to eat so well . The sheep must originally have had a hard time grazing while they were out in the country . But my family got the sheep trained to eat out on the rolling pastures , and to eat the grass in such an orderly way that they 'd create huge , even , smooth - lined squares of eaten grass . I had been noticing a big , green pickup truck following our truck for some time . I could see the guy in the truck : he was a young , blonde man who looked like he lived in my apartment complex . I told my mom that that man had been set on me to follow me in the past . He had now been set on following me again today . Somehow the green pickup truck got in front of us . There were three big , white semi - trucks in front of us . The green pickup wedged itself in between the second and third semis . So there were two trucks in front of the pickup , one truck behind it , and then my mom 's pickup . I told my mom , " Now watch . The truck didn 't mean to get in front of us . But now that it did , it will find the perfect opportunity to get back behind us . It 's been following me all day today . I have people following me all the time . " Without my noticing it my mom and I shifted into a public bus . We sat side by side in a seat . The bus was relatively empty . The daylight in the bus seemed a bit brighter and whiter than usual . The light inside the bus may actually have been bright and white . I told my mom , " The same thing used to happen in Brooklyn . People used get set on me , to follow me around . It 's just a different set of people . Out here in Denver they have a group of blonde haired , blue eyed guys following me around . People set these kids on me , to follow me wherever I go . " But now that he looked straight at us , I could see that he was John Malkovich . But he was all done up in camouflage . He wore a mainly white , tan , and brown camo design on his pants , shirt , and even on a woolen skullcap . He had the design painted onto his face and hands as well . His eyes were also bugging out , like he was insane . John Malkovich asked me something about the stalkers . He then took one or both of my hands with both of his hands and began stroking them while he made a weird kind of blowing " O " with his mouth . He started giving me some advice about the stalkers . But he then ran back to the back of the bus . The back of the bus tiered up into a platform of seats . In the first row on that platform was an Hispanic man who looked drunk and passed out . Malkovich sat beside that guy and started almost cuddling his head against him . He then began telling the man about me , like Malkovich was actually a stalker himself , and like he was passing off information to the man , who was only pretending to be drunk and passed out . A woman had been taking care of a white swan , which I probably called a duck in my dream . The woman was a really beautiful , copper skinned woman with dark black hair . At first when the woman had cared for the duck , the duck would always bite the woman . The duck may have bit the woman all over her body , but I think one place the duck always bit the woman was on the mouth . It would hurt really bad . The woman even got to a point where she wanted to kill or get rid of the duck . But then the woman taught the duck how to read and write . The duck had apparently been biting the woman because she didn 't know how to communicate with the woman . But now that she could read and write , her life was a lot more open and free and a lot more frustrating . The duck was now writing something on a pad of paper and showing it to my view , as if my view were actually a camera filming some kind of documentary . The view may have been set in a small bathroom , where the duck and the woman were standing close together . The duck may have been up on some kind of pedestal , so that her head was even with the woman 's head . This shocked the woman . It hurt her a little bit , though not as much as the previous bites had hurt . But the woman started to wonder whether the duck was getting violent again . She had given only a soft bite this time . But what if the bites got harder and harder ? The woman would be in pain all over again . My view panned down toward the bottom of the duck , then down toward the top section of the pedestal , where it kind of halted , just looking at the blank space of the pedestal . I was a little worried , as well , about the sudden biting of the duck . But I also considered the fact that the duck had " kissed " the woman . What it the kisses between the duck and the woman got more passionate ? Would the duck and the woman eventually become lesbian lovers ? I was at some job which was like a mix of my most recent job with the duties of a lot of my past jobs . I had been set on some task . But I was wearing really dirty clothes . I may also have been wearing women 's clothes , maybe even just women 's lingerie . I really needed to change my clothes before I got to work on my task . So I walked into the living room of some townhome or ground level apartment unit . The living room was small and well furnished , but also cluttered with a bunch of neglected belongings . I had a backpack full of clothes . I began trying to pull clothes out of the backpack . But every time I began to pull something out , I 'd hesitate . I had pairs of men 's underwear , but they all seemed to be dirty and sour in really gross ways . Some may even have been hard with filth . I had a bad feeling I 'd just have to wear one of these pairs of dirty underwear . I 'd hope nobody would smell or see or notice in some other way how disgusting my underwear was . My emotions or focus shifted , and suddenly I was just getting ready to walk out the door , like I was fully dressed and ready to go . I slung my backpack over my right shoulder . As I headed toward the door , opened it , and looked down at some turned - off lamp on an end table next to the door , I had some conversation in my head . The conversation seemed to be partly me talking to myself about a conversation and partly the actual conversation , which involved a group of people who studied mysticism with Carlos Castaneda . These people were saying that Castaneda was the greatest magician of all time . But that qualification would get mixed up with saying that Castaneda was the greatest Research Analyst of all time . And that statement would get mixed up with my co - workers saying that I was the greatest Research Analyst of all time . I was looking at a catalog that was kind of done up like a porn magazine . But it was really something like a monthly who 's who of sex and fetish in every state in the United States . The pages were a brick red kind of color , and there were grids of photos on each page . Most of the photos showed attractive women wearing lingerie or bikinis . The women were usually sitting , but in very seductive poses . Below each photo was a description of the woman and her particular fetish . At the top of each page was yellow , script - like writing in a kind of " California cool " style . I flipped to the Colorado section , hoping to find a woman who would be into transvestites or adult babies . But , for some reason , the more I looked through the Colorado section , the more afraid I got . I felt some sense of danger regarding the women . I can 't remember what the sense of danger came from . I may have seen or thought that some of the women were actually men dressed as women . I quickly flipped to some other section of the catalog . I think I allowed myself to feel attracted to the girls in this section of the catalog . But I think that after a moment , I may have become bored with the catalog and put it away . I was in " my bedroom " at night . The light in my bedroom was on , and the door was open . I was sitting on the edge , looking out the hallway . The hallway was dark and had a deep blue color . The hallway extended a little bit , then turned off to the left . I feel like there were a lot of bedrooms in the house . A little girl walked down the hallway and toward my room . She was only wearing a diaper . She asked me to change her diaper . Just as she asked me , an older woman 's voice told the little girl to get back to bed . The little girl stood in my doorway and pulled off her diaper . I could see that her diaper was a little messy . I stood out on some desert road on a hot day . I must have been in a small town . I stood across a road from a wide dirt parking lot , at the end of which were two buildings like small factory buildings . I panned my gaze from the right to the left , moving my view off to the left of the buildings . As I did this , I heard the guy from the PBS Idea Channel on YouTube winding up another one of his " here 's an idea " segments . I can 't remember what he was talking about , but it seemed to vindicate something I was thinking of . I think in my mind 's eye I had a view of yellow and black tiger stripes , kind of like the pattern of Lum 's clothes in Urusei Yatsura , except with a fading to white toward the bottom . My view continued to the left , scanning through a vacant field , mostly of dirt , with a few green weeds here and there . The Idea Channel guy continued talking , but now referencing a totally different idea , like he was on another episode . His voice became really small and grainy - - it was like he was dealing with a subject he was a little unsure of , so he wasn 't quite confident , while at the same time the " reception " ( ? ? ? ) for the program was fading out . My view continued to the left , where I may have seen an asphalt parking lot and a multi - story office building in the distance , beyond another vacant dirt lot . The Idea Channel guy may have been mentioning some kind of art project that had been funded by a bank . But one of the guys who 'd responded to the guy 's statements was now speaking directly . I could see the guy in my mind 's eye . He was tall and pale , and he wore clunky , square glasses . He had a kind of high , very whiny voice . He mentioned something about " the Citibank project , " as if the art project in question , being funded by Citibank , was generally known by the bank 's name . I was in a car with my mom and possibly some other family members . We had dropped my brother - in - law and some of the kids off at some place like a recreation center , probably where the kids were taking lessons in some sport , maybe bowling . Apparently my mom and I were going to wait in the car while everybody was inside . But now my mom suggested that we take the car and go take care of a few errands . I think she had to okay something about taking the car with my brother - in - law . It was like my brother - in - law would have to confirm with my mom that he was going to stay with the kids . If he was going to stay with the kids , then we could take the car . My mom was thinking that we 'd go see her mom , check in on her , make sure she was okay . But I think she was having a hard time remembering the directions to her mom 's house . We had to determine directions by using some nearby McDonald 's as a reference point . I think I was getting a little impatient . I think I felt like I had better things to do with my day than get lost driving around some McDonald 's with my mom . I was apparently the manager of a Family Dollar store . I was in some really big room like a break room . It was kind of dim , with just some natural light coming in through a high - up window . A woman stood across from me at a long break table . She had come to talk to me because she heard that - - - - - was buying out Family Dollar . ( I know this company was a specific , " real " company at the beginning of the dream , but I can 't remember what it was . The company changed to Sav - a - Lot at the end of my dream . I 'm pretty certain it was not Sav - a - Lot at the beginning . ) I knew that - - - - - was buying out Family Dollar . The woman had only reminded me of the fact , which I now knew was really important ( ? ? ? ) . The woman asked me whether I was going to tell the employees anything about it . I said I would . I told the woman to get all the employees of this Family Dollar together , and we 'd have a talk about everything . So everybody got together . There were crowds and crowds of people , all apparently working for the one Family Dollar I was the manager of , gathered in something like a plaza area . The plaza area was mainly a stone plaza amid some rolling , green lawns . But there were also balcony - like levels over the edges of the plaza area . Those balconies were also crowded with people from the Family Dollar . I stood in an empty space near , but not quite at , the front of the crowd . There were other management members with me in this space . I wasn 't quite paying attention to anything . I was kind of looking at the ground and fiddling with my hands or some piece of thin rope that may have bounded off the management speaking area . At this point I may have been an overweight , pale white man with a bald crown and grey hair on the sides of my head and wearing a black business suit with a white shirt . I may have assumed I 'd be introduced or given the floor . But before I was given a chance to speak , some person from the back of the crowd asked some question of a lower - level management person who stood up on one of the balconies . The question had something to do with logistics , making the logistics of work a bit easier . The man and the management person got into a long discussion . After this discussion another group of people had another discussion regarding some element of administration at the Family Dollar . After this discussion , there was a bit of a pause . I had kind of begun to assume that I 'd just walked into a normal meeting of the Family Dollar employees , and that , since I didn 't have any concerns that needed addressing , I didn 't need to say anything . It seemed , too , like nobody else had anything to say . So everybody assumed this meeting was over . They all began shuffling out of the meeting area . About a quarter of the crowd was already gone . But somebody had called out to the rest of the crowd to stay here , that this meeting had been called to address a concern they all had regarding the acquisition of the Family Dollar . The person said that I , the store 's manager ( and I think I was myself again ) , would be giving a presentation to everybody , so they 'd see there was nothing to worry about . Most people seemed inconvenienced . The people who thought everybody was going to get laid off " already knew " that everybody was in trouble . The people who thought everybody was fine " already knew " that everybody was fine . So why did I need to make a speech to them ? I thought to myself , Well , then , they 're basically right . So I 'll need to give them a little new information , a little bit of unique information , that will make them feel like they didn 't waste their time here . This area was ( now , anyway ) a stone square with a pool or fountain of water on its left side . The pool was only about ankle deep at its edges . I ran through that pool , making a ton of splashes . I thought , Everybody who knows me will know I like water . So I 'm sure they 'll all think my running out here through a pool of water will be a really characteristic touch . It 'll be endearing . I now stood up on a black - painted metal railing , locking my feet into some of the lower bars of the railing and pressing my knees against a higher bar . The crowd was packed , from the railing , out as far as I could see . Off to my right was a huge sign , kind of like the light - up menu sign at a McDonald 's , mixed with an LED TV screen . I had a PowerPoint presentation playing on the screen . I said , " I know you all know that Sav - a - Lot has announced that they are going to buy out Family Dollar . And I know that many of you are thinking , ' What 's going to happen to me ? ' Well , let me assure you , you 'll be fine . The business footprint of Sav - a - Lot is far different from the business footprint of Family Dollar . In fact , Sav - a - Lot planned to buy Family Dollar in order to expand its business footprint . " I now went through - - or tried to go through - - slides showing how Sav - a - Lot 's business was so widely different from Family Dollar 's business that there were no worries about efficiency - related layoffs . But I was having a hard time saying anything . I was comparing business segments and product lines for both companies . But it was so hard for me to keep focused on all the specifics . Plus , I wasn 't sure I was telling the crowd something they didn 't already know . And now the slides started going really fast . And the more the slides progressed , the more the slides actually started to look like items off of a McDonald 's menu . I remember looking at one slide that apparently was comparing a lineup of fruit - flavored smoothies at Sav - a - Lot with fruit - flavored smoothies at Family Dollar . And , what was worse , I was even forgetting the name of the company acquiring Family Dollar . There was even one slide with three or four different names for the company acquiring Family Dollar . I knew that all the names except one were subsidiaries of the main company . I couldn 't remember , now , whether Sav - a - Lot was the main company or just a subsidiary . But I didn 't want to say " Sav - a - Lot " if Sav - a - Lot was only a subsidiary . It would make me look like I didn 't even know anything about the company acquiring us . The Director was getting direct calls from clients voicing concerns over this potential bad news . He was coming to my boss to ask my boss ' opinion on all of this . My boss didn 't seem to have anything to say at first , and my co - worker jumped in . He said something to show that the issue wasn 't actually a big deal at all . I can 't remember what the argument was - - again ! - - , but it didn 't seem to the point , in my opinion . I had an idea that was more to the point , in my opinion ( ? ? ? ? ? ) . The company that had been acquired mainly manufactured soda syrups for private label companies that operated out of Latin America . There may have been something about sugar cane involved in my argument . In my opinion , the acquisition may possibly have signaled bad news for the Latin American soft drinks market and for the companies that had been acquired and that made the acquisition . But globally , I probably didn 't think the problem was very big . I was about to mention this , but my boss finally told the Director , " It 's not a big issue . I was actually writing a report on the whole thing right now , saying it 's not a big deal . You should see that report within the next 24 hours . " I knew that since my boss had spoken , there was nothing else for me to say . A grainy , black and white image showing some young , pretty , Japanese women . The women looked mierable . They were probably victims of either the Hiroshima or Nagasaki bombings , or else they had somehow been displaced by the whole thing . They were very depressed , and they felt like they had no hope for life . I was on another planet , and I may have been in communications with the spaceship I 'd come from . But , really , it felt like I was just standing on a sidewalk outside an apartment building at night and talking with people up in an apartment . It was pitch black outside , and all the windows of the apartment building were blood red . I was now " inside the spaceship , " which was just one of the apartments . I was looking at a dining table , at which sat four people . The dining table was under a hanging incandescent lamp . The rest of the room - - maybe the rest of the apartment - - was dark . The window was open , showing the pitch black night outside . Two of the people at the table were unknown to me . The other two sat at the far end of the table , near the window . On my left was Leonard Nimoy . On my right was Miss Piggy . Miss Piggy may have been supposed to be my mother . Miss Piggy was rebelling against some idea . Leonard Nimoy was trying to convince Miss Piggy that the idea was good . Miss Piggy got really nasty . Everybody else left the table . Miss Piggy probably now became my mom . She may have looked at me and asked me for advice about the situation . I was out on a road near the house I lived in in my last three years of high school . I was walking down the quiet , empty road . Parked on the left ( my left ) side of the road , just a few houses down from my house , was a big truck , like a semi - truck without a trailer , or like a really big tow truck . I had possibly seen a car come driving up the road . To avoid the car I walked over into the gutter of the left side of the road - - though , for some reason , I didn 't get up onto the sidewalk . But the car , instead of traveling along the regular area for driving , veered into the gutter to come after me . Of course , the big truck was parked right in the gutter . But somehow the car had managed to wedge itself in between the passenger side of the truck and the curb . It was like the truck hadn 't parked flush with the curb , and the car was now managing to wedge into , and widen , that gap . The car was doing all of this in order to come after me . I remained calm . I knew the car had seen me in the distance and had wanted to taunt me somehow . When I 'd gotten out of the way , the car just looked for a new way to get into my way . He 'd found it . Now he was trying to scare me . But I would just remain calm . I got past the car - - I 'm not sure how . I have an image in my mind of a black iron structure , kind of in the lattice pattern of space scaffolding . I was now on the driver 's side and tail end of the truck , looking back up at the truck . There were a couple of guys standing outside the truck , watching the guy in the car . The car was now on the driver 's side , slamming his car right up against the back end of the front wheel . I could now see the guy driving the car . He was an older man , maybe in his sixties . He had long , grey hair with a balding forehead . The guy had actually managed , by pushing on the back end of the front wheel , to move the truck forward . The truck shot forward by a couple of houses . The guy probably stayed in his car . But he addressed the two other guys . He told them that he could move any vehicles like that , if they were obstacles in their way . The other guys , who were probably thirty or forty years old , thought the guy was crazy . But they humored him and told him okay . Apparently , I understood , the guys had been doing some kind of work around here . But the truck had appeared to be in the guys ' way . So the old man , without even having been asked , decided he 'd come up and push the truck away . The guys hadn 't really asked for it . But now it was done , they were kind of pleased . The old man said , " Yeah , and you can make money off of this kind of stuff , too . For instance , I don 't know who owns this big truck . So we can 't do anything with it . " But there 's another big truck down the road . " ( I had an image in my mind 's eye of a huge , black pickup truck down about a block and a half , on the other side of the road . ) " That car 's just been sitting there for years . If I moved it for you guys , you could make tons of money . " I know the guy who used to own it . He died a few years back . " The old man explained how the dead man 's family either didn 't know about the vehicle or didn 't care about it and would rather let it sit there and rot than figure out what to do with it . Apparently this kind of gross neglect made the vehicle anybody 's property - - if they could move it . The old man was familiar with these laws and he could move the vehicle . But the two other guys weren 't interested in the old man 's proposition . The old man may have driven away . I walked away . I quickly found myself in a structure like a horse stable . But the structure was only a few houses down and across the street from where I 'd been before . It didn 't have a ceiling , and it was made of fencing rather than solid walls . The fencing was horizontal boards , maybe a foot wide and six feet long , painted white . The floor of the stable was cluttered with blankets . My aunt was driving a car that looked almost exactly like the head of the Super Mario Brothers video game character Yoshi . She was pulling the car backward . I was right behind the car . But my aunt didn 't care . She would happily have backed right over me . She almost did back over me . But somehow I missed getting hit . I was flustered that my aunt almost killed me - - without even seeming to care ! I didn 't see any exit in the stable . But somehow my aunt managed to back up , twist to her right , and pull forward out of the stable . After exiting the stable , my aunt stopped the car . My aunt could tell I was upset . She shouted back at me , " If you really cared about your life , you 'd have looked at me backing up , and you 'd have gotten out of the way ! " My aunt then probably drove away . H and I were in our seats . We sat on the left side of the train . But we got a little bit anxious . We had been out on this trip a year ago . I thought I 'd remembered what train stop we were supposed to get off on . But now I was less and less sure of it . We couldn 't miss our stop . If we did , we 'd have to get off in the middle of nowhere and wait - - maybe hours ! - - for another train . I had my phone in my hand . But I wasn 't using it to find directions , which would have been simple . Instead , H and I stood out of our seats to get nearer to the exit door of the train . We 'd look out the door at every stop . We 'd read the sign to see what each stop was . If the sign looked familiar , or if the stop sounded familiar , we 'd get out there and hope we were right . As we got out of our seats , I noticed that the train car was really big , almost like the passenger cabin of a huge airplane . There were our aisle of seats , a central aisle , which had a lot of seats , and a third aisle of seats , next to the opposite windows . But the train still felt tight and crowded . Every seat was filled . But as we walked forward , toward the exit door , the train car became gigantic . It was actually like a waiting room for a train - - or even like a departure gate at an airport ! There were people sitting in chairs , people standing up near assistance desks , people sitting on the floors with their luggage , and people sitting , near windows , in seats that actually looked like regular train car seats . H had also transformed . Instead of being Japanese , she was now a white woman with brown hair . She looked a bit like one of the girls I 'd looked up to in high school as being well - organized and smart . We had a direct view to the exit doors as they opened . As we read the signs , we got a bad feeling that we may have gone too far . I thought that maybe we were supposed to go too far . Maybe what we 'd forgotten was that we 'd had to go too far , then take another train and backtrack to where we wanted to go . That 's why we weren 't seeing the final stop . But I couldn 't remember what the connecting point would be , either . H thought we should ask somebody for directions . We walked around the gigantic car , asking the masses of people if they knew how to get to the water park . Some people thought they might know , but they didn 't give a really clear answer . Other people had forgotten , just like us . Other people were going to the water park , too . But they were certain that the train had deliberately skipped that stop so that nobody could go to the water park . But suddenly I saw a stop that sounded familiar to me . I ran out the door and rushed along the platform . I was assuming that we had to run quickly to catch the connecting train . I also assumed that H was with me . I rushed down a set of steps , against a flow of people . But about halfway down the steps , I stopped . I suddenly realized that this was only a stop that had struck me as interesting during last year 's trip . I still had a number of stops to go . As if to confirm this , I looked down at a slip of paper in my hand . The slip was white with red writing . It was a timetable for the train . It listed all the stops , including the one I 'd need to get off on . I think it was right then , too , that I realized that all this time I could just have looked at my phone for directions . But now it seemed too late for something like that . And now I also realized that H hadn 't gotten off the train with me . She 'd stayed on . She must be wondering where I was . I had to get back onto the train , and back to H ! I ran back up the steps and toward the train . But , still some distance away from the train , I could see that it was already pulling away . I kept running after it , though , hoping against hope that I would be able to get back on it . Fortunately , the train did stop . I was still a ways away from the doors . They opened and closed quickly . It seemed that the train was going to start moving again . But it didn 't . The train doors opened again . A young , white man in a business suit threw himself into one of the doors as it closed , jamming the rest of the doors . The doors re - opened and I quickly slid inside . I was back on the train , but I was only relieved for a moment . I had no idea where H now was . I also had a bad feeling that I hadn 't really gotten back onto the train I 'd gotten off of , but that I 'd gotten onto a train that had followed the train I 'd originally been on . If that were the case , H would be alone on the other train . I had to find out if H was okay . But I couldn 't think of any way to do this . Finally , after some rigorous concentration , I figured out that I could probably text H on my phone , figure out where she was , and figure out whether we were on the same train . If we weren 't on the same train , I could at least figure out how and where we could reunite with each other . There was a group of pretty nasty criminals , maybe four guys . Their crimes had been proven . But the crimes hadn 't been bad enough to send them to jail or execute them . Instead , as punishment , the men were all being exiled to another location . They may not even have been told that their crimes had been discovered , proven , and submitted for sentencing . They were simply being contained by a group of people and being kept calm and happy until they were moved . The place they were being moved to wasn 't very different from this place . And they would be kept calm and happy there . But as punishment for their crimes , they simply had to be moved out of their present location . I was among the group of people containing the men . We had all split up . The four men were also probably split up . We didn 't really have to encounter the men . But if we did encounter them , we had to act like nothing was wrong . If the men knew they 'd been convicted of crimes , they 'd become terribly violent . We had to act like we didn 't even know they 'd committed a crime . But I personally felt like the crime the men had committed had been too nasty to get off with such a light punishment . I 'd do my job of simply containing the men . But I was bitter about it . And I wished that something would happen that would justify my killing the men - - especially their leader . I then stumbled upon the leader . He was maybe in his late forties or early fifties . He was rough looking . He was bald and had an olive complexion . He had big , brown eyes and cheeks mossed over with dark , black stubble . He seemed intelligent , but not very cultured . He probably wore a well - fit , black sweater and black slacks . He was carrying a big , clear , blue glass jug . It had apparently had alcohol in it . But it may now have been empty . I tried to follow protocol and act calm with the man . But he immediately became violent with me . I resisted the strong temptation I had to fight with the man . But the man smashed his jug on the ground . He still had a handle on the jug . But now it was broken into a huge , sickle - shaped and cylindrical shard . The man overpowered me , even though he didn 't have me pressed to the ground , and walked me backwards , constantly jamming the sharp glass at my throat . I was managing to push the shard away from me by pressing against the semi - cylindrical back curve . But the man was stronger than I . It was only a matter of time before he 'd manage to get at me . I reached up to the top of the shard and broke off a fragment ( ? ? ? ) . I then flailed out of the man 's grip and lunged at the man . I sliced at the man 's throat . I managed to cut into the man 's throat , but only lightly . Just a thin trickle of blood ran out of the scrape , which stretched along a three - inch expanse in the center of the man 's throat . The man suddenly calmed down . He stared at me and aspirated a soft , little chuckle . He said , " But , no . Of course you wouldn 't do that . You wouldn 't kill me . You wouldn 't even try . You just aren 't that kind of a person . " The man was now getting ready to walk away . His three cohorts had come to this spot as well . From here , they were going to go off somewhere else . They hadn 't all gotten close to each other . But I could see them all at different corners of the woods . The man couldn 't see for himself that his throat had been cut . I knew that if the cohorts told the man that his throat had been cut , the man would become terribly angry . The only reason he hadn 't stayed angry was that he 'd thought I was being my " usual " gentle self with him . In fact , the man was still walking close to me , mumbling on and on about how I 'd never try to slit his throat . The man had gone from being clothed in well - fitting , all black clothes to being clothed in the tattered rags of a business suit . At this point , as if to prove that he 'd go crazy if he ever found out I 'd tried to kill him , the man dropped his pants and walked around with his pants around his ankles . Time passed , and I was now much closer to the resort . The man had , after all , found out that I 'd tried to kill him . Now he was getting ready to retaliate . His method was that he was going to infiltrate the resort . He was going to act as an operative and incite a rebellion among the young people within the resort . By inciting a rebellion among the young people , the man would cause the younger generation to lose their rights . The older generation would then take over . Somehow this would give the man the upper hand - - even though I 'm not sure what good it would do him . He 'd still most likely be transported out of this place . The man came into the room . He wasn 't disguised , necessarily . But he had something with him , something like credentials , which gave him the " official identity , " regardless of his external appearance , of being somebody who was okay for being inside the resort . The person who handled the entrance and exit of people - - a kind of young , inexperienced person - - accepted the man . The man was simply allowed to go into the resort . I had to stand by and watch . If the person was accepted by the person in charge of accepting people , I simply couldn 't do anything about it . Time passed again . I was on an outdoor balcony level of the main building of the resort , looking down over some concrete courtyard . The balcony I was on was wide and open , pleasant for large groups of people , and had been a favorite hangout for the young people . But just recently the young people , incited to rebellion by the criminal leader , had gotten into a fight with some officials on the balcony . The young people had been forced down from the balcony and into the courtyard . A whole riot crew - - bulletproof vests , black helmets , night sticks , and all - - had been assembled and was approaching the courtyard , unbeknownst to the young people in the courtyard . Now the riot crew attacked . The young people , who were basically dressed in t - shirts and jeans , were pretty much powerless against the riot crew . The riot crew proceeded to pummel any young person they could get their hands on . I knew the criminal leader was behind all this . I knew if I could stop him , I could stop the attacks . A man in his thirties walked up into the courtyard . He was a white man with red - tanned skin , strawberry blonde hair , and chiseled , muscular features . He wore a beautiful business suit , spectacles , and a long , pea - colored trenchcoat . He was carrying a briefcase with him . It was obvious he had just come from a business trip and was just now arriving back at the resort . The riot crew turned toward the business man . He looked young enough to attack . But when the riot crew saw who the man was , they immediately stopped and backed away from him . He was not fair game . The business man walked up a stairwell at the edge of the courtyard . I now knew the criminal leader was approaching . I had to confront him and defeat him , even if my orders were not to do so . However , I knew as I was walking away from where I 'd been standing , that I was leaving a little girl without my protection . The little girl lay on a mattress on the floor of the balcony . She was being tended to by a very old man or woman . But the fate of the resort hinged on the health and safety of the little girl . I walked down along the balcony , to where there seemed to be a lot more activity , like people consulting with one another regarding what to do about the unrest in the courtyard . I may have missed the criminal leader - - or I may have watched him walk right past me , as if he didn 't quite exist while I was watching him ! But I must have seen him again - - I remember seeing him in his black outfit . There seemed to be fires and explosions . And then suddenly everything seemed to have calmed down . I don 't know what the result of the conflict was . But I think some mutual understanding was arrived at between the people who had revolted and the people who had set the riot crews on them . But I knew , even as I headed back to my post , that the criminal leader had approached the little girl . I assumed that if he had approached her , he had most likely killed her . I needed to make sure the little girl was safe . I was now rushing back to my post to check on the welfare of the little girl . I was terribly distraught . But as soon as I approached the little girl 's mattress , the scene would start over again . I 'd be a little distance from the mattress , not able to see the girl . I 'd rush up to the mattress and just get a glimpse of the girl . Then the scene would start again . I think I saw the scene three times . The first time , I 'm pretty sure , I discovered that the girl had been killed by the criminal leader . I felt horribly guilty . The second time , the girl may have been attacked , but still alive . The third time , the girl may have been very sick , suffering from some kind of a fever , and possibly in grave danger , but untouched by the criminal leader . |
Posted on October 29 , 2014 by safiyyah786 Reply PART SEVENTY SIX She was adamant at first that she is right and that he can 't do this to her . She also mentioned that his mother would be so disappointed because she had sent her to Jo ' burg . I was shocked that Ahmeds mother went to such an extent . Anyways I offered to drop her off somewhere but she said she would go herself . She apologized for the wrong and wished us luck . I don 't blame her , now knowing the truth behind all that she did has made me see why she did things . Ahmed was furious after hearing that his mother was behind everything . His never seen this side to his mother . He even went as far as to say he hates his mother . I felt hurt that he was hurt and also that his mother wanted me so badly out of his life . I told Imraan to go home , Ahmed would drop me off . Ahmed and I need to discuss a few things . After Imraan and Ahmeds ex left , Ahmed and I sat and spoke about what we were going to do next . I asked him what should we do now , how will I manage to be with his family when there 's functions or when he wants to be with his family . They don 't even like me , at the moment this is the biggest obstacle in our relationship . Which is also making me think if we should get married or not . Ahmed says that he will not go to see his family and he will not attend family functions . I can 't expect that of him , it 's wrong . He will live such a miserable life , thinking about them and wishing he was with them are thoughts he can 't avoid . I suggest to him that we should not set a wedding date as yet , first we have to sort out this problem . Ahmed is determined that he will cut ties with his family or at least change their misconceptions about me . I am so confused , I don 't know how to deal with this . What do I do , how do I make his family like me or at least accept me as their daughter - in - law . I have to find a solution and quick because if I don 't it will just delay our wedding . Ahmed dropped me off at home after we spoke . We haven 't come to a solution as yet and I Don 't think we will come to one so soon . Anyways I get to bed , hoping the next day is better . At work we have two audits and I have to go see a prospect client . I get home exhausted and in no mood to do anything . I checked in the fridge for leftover so I don 't have to cook and then decided to go to the gym to relax my mind . Rizwana joins me to the gym . So I try to not concentrate on my problem and start asking Rizwana about her day at university . She tell she about her friends and her admirer . I was excited to hear she has a admirer but he sounded a bit freaky . She even said that he is such a freak and she needs to get rid of him . She doesn 't like him and he annoys her . Her friends have now decided if they don 't take the same lectures then they will pick her up from her lectures just to ensure she is never alone . I got a bit worried about that , is this guy stalking her . She said she did tell him to leave her alone but he doesn 't want to . The best is to have a word with the university chancellor and take it from there . I think I should speak to Imraan first and then take action . After gym I went home and took a nice long shower . Ahmed called to say he was still at the office with clients and he would check with me before he goes home to see if I 'm awake . Ahmed doesn 't end up calling and I fell asleep waiting for his call . In the morning he called to apologize , he got home very late and didn 't want to disturb me . He sounded worried , I asked him what was wrong but he didn 't want to say so I didn 't force him . The whole day it bugged me at work what was wrong but I just ignored it . The weekend was eid so I was excited to go home and see my family . I decided after work Ahmed and I would go shopping together . I needed to get eid gifts for everyone in his family as well as mine and not forgetting our friends . I called Ahmed to see what was his plans for the day . He didn 't have much meetings so he could join me for shopping . I told him where to meet me and then he can send one car home with the driver . After work we met at the mall , did our shopping and then decided to have supper . When I got home I wrapped all the gifts and then gave him the gifts for his family . He didn 't want to take them but I forced him . He said he would post it or send it with someone because he was not going home for eid . I tried convincing him again to go home for eid . He is so stubborn at times , he never changes his decisions , once his mind is made up it 's like talking to a wall . He said if I didn 't want him to spend eid with my family I should just say . What could I say to that . Anyways after Ahmed left I called my mum to see if she needed anything . My dad wants to speak to Ahmed about all these problems we 've been having . I don 't think it 's such a good idea but my mum said I can 't expect them to see me in this mess and not do anything . They can 't give me into a family that hates me from the beginning . My parents want to invite Uncle Ashraf and Aunty Shenaaz to discuss all these problems that they have created . My dad says he has to sort all this out before he agrees again to get me married in that family . I didn 't want to upset my dad so I just agreed . I am not going to tell Ahmed about my dad 's plans . It will just be a battle between them . I had a hectic day coming up so I went to bed early . In the morning Ahmed called and said he won 't be in Jo ' burg today he is going to see a site . He wanted me to make something for him to take with . So I quickly made lunch for him to take with , made something for me and then got ready for work . Ahmed came over to pick up his lunch . The advantages of having a fiancé , he said . Today I was meeting a realtor for new office space for our company . We having problems with the owner of the current place we at . He keeps coming up with silly stories . I spent the whole day on the road running around looking for the perfect space . Some are just too small and some perfect but the location and rental price . My boss definitely won 't be happy . Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a reply Ahmed hasn 't told her anything and his going to play along with it and then the day she is leaving Jo ' burg he will tell her . I think it 's mean but he says this is the only way she will learn and so will his family . He hasn 't told his mother anything yet but he will . He says that after he tells his mother his decision , he is going to ask her to leave us alone . He has also decided that we will stay away from his family and I also should not tell them anything that goes on between us . I don 't agree with his decision to keep away from his family . I tried to convince him otherwise but he doesn 't want to listen and said if I want to be on their side then he doesn 't want anything to do with me . Now what can I do or say to that . After Ahmed left I called my mum and told her everything and then I told her what he decided . My mum wasn 't very happy at the situation I was in and also how Ahmed was handling things , she feels that it will just make them hate me more . My mum wanted to call Aunty Shenaaz to see why she was doing all this . Why she came all the way to ask for my hand in marriage for her son and also have us get engaged only to treat me bad . I stopped my mum because Ahmed didn 't want anyone to contact them before he told them his decision . My life and it 's dramas never end . No matter how long I go away for something new always pops up . Anyways everyone in my house got to know as well as Faheema . Before I knew it they all called to see how I was and what I was going to do . Shuaib was so furious he told Faheema when he brought a proposal we didn 't accept it now we stuck with this problem when I could of been happy with the guy he brought . I got a shouting from Faheema for that . I had to stay away from Ahmed for a few days and that was so difficult . We just manage to sort out something and I haven 't even told him my decision . I called him once to meet once at least . He agreed , so after work he came over for supper . I told him my decision and that he should go home for eid and I would go home for eid . He didn 't agree to me going to home for eid but said that we both should go to my family for eid and that 's how all our eids would be spent . There was no use arguing with him , I had to slowly get him to agree to things . Ahmed was really happy , he stayed for a little bit and then had to go . After Ahmed left I went to the shops to get milk and bread and guess who I see there . Yes it was Ahmeds ex girlfriend , she saw me and came up to me . " I know you from somewhere , " she said . I just told her I 'm Ahmeds work colleague and I had come over to fetch some paper the night she was by him . Then she was all sweet and asking about myself and if I had anyone in my life . I didn 't want her to think I was after Ahmed because I felt she would feel it as a threat so I said yes I 'm engaged . She wanted to know who but I didn 't say . I made like I was in a hurry just so I could leave . Before I left she offered me to join them for a movie , she said she was going with her boyfriend . I just said no my aunt is waiting for me at home so I should go . I know all this was just a act on Ahmeds part but yet I felt bad . I felt hurt and lonely , tears just rolled down my cheeks . When I got home I put the milk and that away and called Zinat . I needed a friend to speak to , after I poured my heart out to Zinat I felt so much better . Sameer even spoke to me a little , shame he felt bad for me . He said I shouldn 't worry he has my back and that good things happen to good people . I was still worried but waited for Ahmed call to say he was home and how was his time . I fell asleep waiting for his call , when I woke up I saw no missed calls . Maybe he got home to late and decided not to call . Anyways I had to leave for work and couldn 't wait for his call or call him . I had a busy day with audits , I had to go to a clients place so my team and I decided to meet there instead of going to the office first . We worked until 3pm and then left to go home . I decided to go to the nearby mall before going home . At the mall I saw Ahmed and his ex , they were holding hands and walking as if there was no one else around . I decided not to stay , it would just upset me more , as I was going out his ex spotted me and scream out my name . I tried to ignore her but she ran up to me . She took me to Ahmed and kept saying my boyfriend this and that . I was getting so annoyed , I wanted to tell her off but decided not to . I excused myself and left , I was furious , can 't he tell her no , people are seeing them together . I think this is going too far . I didn 't feel like doing anything when I got home , I didn 't even cook for supper . Imraan came over later to see if I was okay , Aunty Rubina told him I didn 't pop in at all today . This weekend is eid and I haven 't even told my parents that I will be home for eid and Ahmed plans to come with . So I called my mum and told her we will be coming for eid . My mum was really happy and so was everyone else . I wonder what 's going to happen tonight . Ahmeds ex is leaving Jo ' burg tonight and he is going to tell her the truth . He wants to introduce her to me but I don 't think this such a good idea . Ahmed called me around 7pm to see where I was . He called me over to his place , I quickly got ready and took Imraan with me . When we got there , Ahmeds ex was sitting in the lounge like she owned the house . She was so boastful about things she didn 't even own . She even lied and said she got him one of the ornaments in his apartment . That ornament he got from a company he deals with . She was in for a surprise , Ahmed told us all to sit down he had something to announce . She asked what was so important that he called a " mere colleague and her pet . " I wanted to punch her teeth in but then I thought shame she is going to be heart broken so I left her to boast . Ahmed : Wait a minute and listen to what I have to say . So the person you calling a mere colleague is actually the same Saajidah I 'm engaged to . Ahmeds ex : The Saajidah that I sent all that photos to ? Ahmed : yes the same one and thanks for admitting you sent those photos . Ahmeds ex : but you said we were back together and now you leaving me for her . Ahmed : well technically you and I were never together , I just played you to show you and my family a point . I wouldn 't leave Saajidah even if my mother or anyone for that matter paid me to . Ahmeds ex was in tears and she was definitely shocked . I pulled Ahmed to one side and then sat next to her and explained to her how she has tried and tried to ruin our relationship but at the end only she is getting hurt . I also told her that his family is only doing all the drama because of her and her mum being a friend . Otherwise they would never bother . Posted on October 22 , 2014 by safiyyah786 Reply PART SEVENTY FOUR Mariam and I cleared up and then sat outside , we exchanged details as it was my last night here . I am glad for this time away and for meeting the people I met . Something Arshad said to me that made me really think and also helped me with my decision . He said , " We often don 't realize what we have in our lives until we take a look at what others have . We make everything about us and that makes us selfish and blind . We don 't think what the next person had to go through to do what he did or be where he is . " Ahmed did what he had to do to keep his family together , he can always replace me but he can 't replace his family . He went through all the stress and pain alone . He didn 't tell anyone his problem , I can only imagine the frustration and stress that it had in him . I felt bad for putting him through more torture but I was also hurt by his actions . I decided when I get home that I would call him over and speak to him instead of just messaging or calling him and telling him my decision . After Mariam left I thought about what I would tell Ahmed . In the morning I got all my things ready to leave . I decided to eat out for breakfast since it was the last day of my break . On my way back I kept thinking what I was going to say to Ahmed . I decided that instead of calling him over to my house , I would go to his place . When I got home I took everything out of the car and had a quick shower and changed . I messaged Ahmed to see where he was , he was at the mall with a friend . I was a bit disappointed but it was my fault I shouldn 't of waited until last minute . I told him to let me know when he was home . I quickly made supper for myself and then went to see how Aunty Rubina and Uncle Abdullah were doing . While sitting there Ahmed called to say he was at home and I could come over . Excitedly I grabbed my keys and bag and drive off to see Ahmed . When I got there I see his friend is also there . He introduced us , he told her I was a work friend . I felt so out of place like I was the one disturbing them . Everytime I said I 'm going he said no wait she won 't be here long so I waited and waited and his friend didn 't go so I left . When I left he was in the bathroom so I just told her to tell him . Then she said , " oh I will , thanks for leaving we were waiting for you to leave so we could go out for supper . " I felt so bad but then I thought maybe she knew who I was and was just adding to the fire . When I got home , Ahmed called and asked why I left . I told him his friend said they had supper plans and I didn 't want to be in the way so I left . He just said okay and put the phone down . I feel like my time away was a waste because it 's like the drama hasn 't ended . Just before I got into bed Ahmed called again but I didn 't answer . He tried a few time but I wasn 't in the mood of explaining to him anything . I went to bed and left my phone on silent . In the morning I saw all his missed calls . He left a voice mail message . When I got to the office I saw a bouquet on my table , the secretary didn 't know who sent them and there was no card with . I had no time to figure out who sent them so I just continued with my work . After work I stopped at the bakery to get some treats . Ayesha from our weekly club invited me for a light meal and tea at her place . A few of the other ladies from our club were also invited . I didn 't even have time to check with Rizwana and Sakina if they were Also invited . I thought I was late when I got to her house there were so any cars already . Ayesha had also invited people that were not from our club so I didn 't know most of the people . Lucky I spotted a few familiar faces and started to speak to them . I heard a lady talking about a guy named Ahmed but I didn 't know which Ahmed . It sounded so much like my Ahmed , she mentioned the business he is into , where he stays and also about his family . I tried to ignore her conversation but I just couldn 't . When I turned around it was the same girl he claimed to be his friend . She told everyone at the party that she was his girlfriend . Sakina also heard her and came to me and asked isn 't she talking about your Ahmed . I just said sounds like but I 'm not sure . Rizwana wanted to go up to her and tell her nonsense but I stopped her . I didn 't stay long at the party , I decided to leave before supper was served . I excused myself and told Ayesha that I wasn 't feeling too well . I went home only to find Ahmed waiting outside . I was so upset I didn 't realize what I was saying and just blurted out " you not with your girlfriend tonight ? Oh I forgot I just met her at the party . " Ahmed stood there in shock , I went in and closed the door behind me and went to my room , closed the door and sat on the floor crying . Ahmed came in and heard me crying so he came to the room door . He asked a few times if he could come in but I didn 't reply to him sorted so he sat on the floor on the other side of the door . He asked if I ate and I said no , so he went to the kitchen and checked what there was in the fridge and took it out . He made the food hot and came to the room . I moved from the door and sat on the carpet near my bed . He came in and sat on the carpet as well . He tried to feed me but I didn 't want the food . He said he was also hungry and also won 't eat if I didn 't . I got up from there and sat on the chair , Ahmed still sat on the floor . He said , " first eat then I will tell you everything . " I was too hungry to say so the second time so I ate . After supper he went to the kitchen left the dishes there . He locked the front door first which I found strange , he never does that , I didn 't ask him why . He came to the room and closed the room door . Then he asked me to come sit on the carpet so I sat on the carpet . He said he would tell me everything but I shouldn 't interrupt until the end . Then he explained everything , this girl is his ex girlfriend . She came to Jo ' burg to ask him to leave me and marry her . She doesn 't know I 'm his fiancé because she hasn 't seen photos before , that 's why he said that I was a work friend . His mother told her to come and convince him because she knew that there were problems between us . So he also played along and never told her anything . He spent the day with her how she wanted and told her that he doesn 't mind getting back with her . He then brought her home knowing I would come there so that she would get jealous . He ignored me because if he got too close she would of known . Then he asked , " so why were you crying ? " I told him that I didn 't know all this and what else did he expect I should do . His ex was telling everyone at the party that she is his girlfriend and soon they going to get married . Only Sakina , Rizwana and I knew what was the story . Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a reply Posted on October 16 , 2014 by safiyyah786 1 PART SEVENTY THREE We got back just before Asr , I went to my chalet . I told Mariam she is welcome anytime to come over . Although I wanted time alone , I felt bad for her . I checked my phone and saw three missed calls from Ahmed . Why was he calling me when he knows I wanted no contact because I want time alone . I called Ahmed to find out what he wanted , he said he wanted to know if we could speak at least once a day . I explained to him that after all that I went through , I need the space . I need him to give me space and time . I need to think if we should be together or not . If his family can plot such a big conspiracy and hate me so much before we even married , imagine what will happen when we are married . I need to find a way to deal with the drama his family will always cause . Do I want to be around people who I can 't trust . Time spent at his parents would be so stressful . I didn 't realize while I was on the phone Mariam was standing at the door . I saw her reflection on the tv and I turned around . I hope she didn 't hear my conversations . I told Ahmed I would call him back and we would discuss the matter later . Mariam felt bad that she just came and I was busy on a call . I told her it was okay , I tried to avoid her asking me questions about the call but she did ask if I was on an important call because it sounded important . I guess she heard a bit of our conversation . I made tea for us , we sat outside and had our tea while we spoke . Mariam was more interested in my life this time . I told her a bit , like where I am from , about my family , what work I do . I also mentioned Ahmed and that we are engaged but I never told her all the details . I know she did tell me details about her life but I 'm not comfortable telling my problems to strangers . Anyways after she left I got into my pjs and then got into bed . I switched on the tv when I realized that I had to call Ahmed . I called but he didn 't answer the call , but he called back after a few minutes . I didn 't ask what he was doing , I got straight to the point . Ahmed kept begging me to let him call me at least once a day . He said if we didn 't speak at all we would just be putting more pressure on our relationship . At first I felt like he has already put the pressure so what more is there to do . I gave in at the end and told him he could call once a day . Then he asked if we could speak a little now , I agreed , he asked about my day , what I did , then he asked about what I wanted to do for eid . So I told him I will be in Jo ' burg and will be spending it at home alone . He was shocked that I was going to be alone and he didn 't know . He did ask where uncle Abdullah and his family will be and he asked why I didn 't tell him before . My reply was " when were you interested in what I had to say , all you wanted was for me to agree to go to your family for eid . " he kept quiet , I knew he felt bad and I wanted him to feel bad and know how I felt . In the morning I checked my phone , Ahmed had left a message for me . It read , " I 'm so sorry that I forces you to do something you didn 't want to . Today I realize what a special person you are , you are willing to spend a day of celebration alone for me , to make me happy and you didn 't complain once . I have to tell you that today I respect you more than I ever did . My love for you has increased immensely . I wish to be at least half the person that you are . Please forgive me , I love you , Ahmed . " I 'm glad that he realized his mistake and has started to appreciate me . His message was a good start to my day . I booked a spa treatment for later in the day and planned to just relax indoors . It was so relaxing , no disturbances , just me and my books . After my spa treatment I went for a slow long walk along the lake . Then I took a boat ride around the lake . When I gotI called him before I could do anything and I apologized for not answering his call last night . He was not upset at all , he figured I was asleep . I think it was the spa treatment , I felt so relaxed after that I actually slept early and had such a peaceful sleep . After breakfast I got ready and went to do some shopping . I bought gifts for everyone at home and for Ahmed . After shopping I went out for lunch , it felt weird having lunch alone but it was good also . Sitting in the restaurant , I hear someone call out my name , at first I thought it was Mariam but I didn 't listen properly , it was actually a mans voice . I turned around , it was a old university friend Arshad . He was also on holiday with friend and also came to have lunch . Strange that he was alone for lunch but he came with friend on holiday . I didn 't bother to ask , it was good talking to him . We caught up on a lot since we last saw each other . He was staying at the same resort but on a different section . They were camping at the resort . He was not married as yet and was not seeing anyone . I thought he was a good match for Rizwana but I didn 't mention anything to him . I just took his details , i don 't want to play matchmaker and my own relationship is on the rocks . Arshad said they were around only for one more night , it 's their first camping trip and it 's been hectic because the resort has a problem at the camping site with electricity . They haven 't had a hot water bath for days . I told Arshad to invite his friends over for supper . I also offered them to come use my chalet to bath and so on . I went back to the resort and prepared for supper . I invited Mariam as well , she came over to help me . When Arshad and his friends came over they all wanted to shower first . Mariam was kind enough to offer some of them to use her chalet . One other thing they were glad to see was a tv , I just laughed at them because they were going on as if they were sent to a jungle . I asked them what made them come on this camping trip because they not the camping type of people . They actually loss a bet and had to come camping . Anyways after supper we had desserts and tea and then the men left . Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Reply Posted on October 15 , 2014 by safiyyah786 1 PART SEVENTY TWO We just sat in my room for a few hours in complete silence . We didn 't even realize what the time was . Then Ahmed said , " Saaj , I don 't know about you but I 'm really hungry . " When I got up only did I realize we were sitting n my room for 6 hours , it was already 4pm . When Ahmed got up , his neck was sore because of being in one spot for so long . We both went to the kitchen to make us something to eat . I told him to leave it , I would make something but he didn 't listen . We ate and then he wanted to sit with me but I wanted him to leave . I needed some time to think things , my mind really went in circles for the last six hours so I needed to reflect on everything that happened and decide what I wanted . Ahmed sat for a little bit and then he left . I called Faheema and told her what happened and what I want but I don 't know how to move on from here and forgive him . She told me the best way is to ask Allah . He is the only one who can guide me and give me answers to all my questions . I called Ahmed after I spoke to Faheema and told him that we will only meet after eid . I needed sometime and when I was ready I would call him . He begged me not to do this , he was feeling guilty and my decision not to meet made him feel more guilty . He begged for forgiveness . He even said he wouldn 't go home for eid because he wants to spend eid with me . I told him I don 't want to spoil his eid so I would tell him a day before eid . Then he can go home nicely for eid and spend it with his family . He told me that he will wait for my call and that he was not going home for eid because his family have let him down . I didn 't want to get into too much detail with him and I wasn 't going to convince him otherwise . It is his decision to make . Anyways the next day I went to work and called my boss and asked him for one weeks unpaid leave . I have no leave left but I needed this time to myself . My boss said I could take leave but he won 't take it as unpaid leave . I then boShe invited me to join her for lunch , she said it 's nothing fancy just home food . I took her chalet number before I went back to my chalet . I remember bringing a dessert premix , so I quickly made the dessert and waited for it to set for an hour . Then I went to her chalet , her chalet was just three Chalets away from mine so I didn 't have to go too far . Mariam said it 's nothing fancy but Shew she had three different dishes prepared . You wouldn 't believe she was alone she had food for a village . I asked her for how long she was staying and she said for the week only . She really had food items for a year . She said she likes having people over for meals so she always carry extra food . She told me a lot about herself , she is actually married . She takes a week away from her husband every 4 to 6 months . She says it 's a treat to herself , she says she works hard the whole year and deserves a break . I found it Strange , wouldn 't a husband and wife want time together on holidays . Her husband is a very rich businessman , he hardly spends time with her , he hates taking vacations together that 's why she goes alone . I feel so bad for her , she doesn 't even show it . I guess she tries to keep herself busy with other things and people . That 's why she appreciates the company of other people . While we were having lunch she told me about a flea market place that sells all sorts of things at very cheap prices . She said they even beat the China mall . I would like to see this . We made plans that we would go after lunch , so we cleared up and then left to the flea market . As we walked we bought what we fancied , it was fun and we got things really cheap . We took our time to walk around so we didn 't get tired and we took note of a lot of things . Afterwards we went for ice cream and coffee at a nearby coffee shop . So I was curious , where does Mariam leave her children when she goes on these vacations , it bugged me for a while but I would never ask . As the day went along I spoke about children to see if she has any but I didn 't ask directly . She then told me that she wants to have children but her husband doesn 't want to . It has been one of the major causes in them leading separate lives . Whenever they are together they end up arguing about it . I don 't know how she stays in such a relationship but she says she is happy . I guess because of financial stability she is just sticking with him . Posted on October 14 , 2014 by safiyyah786 Reply PART SEVENTY ONE Shuaib came back after 3 hours , he said they had to wait for Ahmed because he went out with a friend . I didn 't even know he had a friend in Jo ' burg . Anyways he wasn 't too pleased to see Imraan and Shuaib . At first he asked them why they interfering in his personal matters . Shuaib told him when it comes to hurting me it has passed the personal level , he has to say what is wrong . Does he no longer want you be with me . Has he moved on and doesn 't know how to say it . Shuaib even told him he didn 't have to answer all that , all we want to know if he no longer wants to be with me . Shuaib told him we won 't ask anymore questions we will just go away and tell Saajidah to forget you and move on . At first he refused to give answers so Shuaib and Imraan walked away and were going to come back home but he stopped them and said that he still wants to be with me , he loves me a lot and can 't imagine separating from me . He said he can 't understand what to do , his mum is forcing him to bring me for eid and I don 't want to go . He mother told him that if I don 't go to them for eid he must choose between me and them . He can 't choose me over his family and he can 't choose his family over me . So he decided to rather make me hate him and leave him , that way I wouldn 't hate his family and I wouldn 't blame them for breaking us up . I would blame him and move on . He felt it would be easier and it was working until everyone else for involved . Why did he come those few days after we fought , why did he come for the lunch . All this didn 't add up , Faheema said I was looking too much into it . Now what happens , I know why he did what he did but that doesn 't change anything . I will only forgive him if he comes himself to apologize and comes and says he wants us to be together . He has really hurt me this time to an extent where I don 't know if I can forgive him , I know I will never be able to forget what he has done . He could of came to me and spoke to me about it , why hurt me . Is that how little respect and love he has for me . Shuaib said that I should forgive Ahmed and forget whatever happened . Think of it as a big tragedy that happened and now has passed . It 's not so easy , everyone will give advise but only if you the person hurt would you know . Maybe I need to take sometime to myself . Faheema and Shuaib were staying over so we got take outs for supper , after supper Shuaib asked me what I was going to do , whether I was going to forgive Ahmed and accept Ahmed back which he knows is not easy or will I leave and move on . Faheema said , " ofcourse she will forgive him and accept him . After this No one should know about this . " I was more confused than ever . Didn 't know what to do . I just said that I need time to think . Maybe I should go away for a few days on my own , it will give me space and time to think . I was really exhausted so I went to bed just after 10 . Faheema and Shuaib sat up and watched tv . They were leaving after breakfast so I woke up early and got breakfast ready for them and packed some snacks for the road . They woke up and got ready to go . While we were having breakfast someone knocked on the door . I thought it was Imraan so I said " I 'm sure it 's Imraan , I 'll get the door . " I opened the door and Ahmed was standing there . I left the door open and walked away and went to my room . Shuaib told him to come in . Faheema came to the room and asked me what was wrong , Ahmed came to reconcile and ask for forgiveness and I don 't want to speak to him . She doesn 't realize that it 's not easy and it will take time . Faheema went back into the lounge and sent Ahmed to the room . I was sitting on my bed facing the window , he came and stood by the door . He knocked on the door , then he greeted and then just stood at the door . After a few minutes he came to me and sat on the floor by my side , he put his head on my lap and with tears in his eyes he apologized for hurting my feelings . He said he didn 't know what to do and thought if he left me his mother would be happy . He didn 't expect me to get my family involved , he thought since I didn 't argue or come forward to solve the problem that it made it easier and that I would just move on . I asked him if that 's what he wants , does he want me to leave this relationship and move on . He said no , he just did all that because of pressure PART SEVENTY Today I had Reeza and Safiah coming over for lunch . The returned last night from honeymoon and we 're staying the weekend in Jo ' burg before they went to Cape Town . I didn 't know if Ahmed was coming , I did tell him but after last night I doubt he would . I got my domestic to clean up while I prepared lunch and dessert for us . Ahmed came just after 12 o ' clock , he helped sat the table and then he came to see if I needed help in the kitchen . He didn 't say much to me besides the necessary talking . I guess I had to just deal with it . Safiah and Reeza arrived after Zohr , she looked so good and happy . They told us all about their honeymoon and what their plans were for the next week and eid . I was glad that she found someone that makes her happy . She deserves to be happy . After lunch Safiah and I went to the kitchen , I was making tea while the men went outside for a smoke . First we just spoke about the usual things like work and household things . Then she asked so what 's happening with you and Ahmed . I so much wanted to tell her that things might be over for us but I didn 't say anything . I just told her that we were good , nothing really happening is still the same . Just then Ahmed and Reeza walked in , Reeza jokingly said " you ladies talking about us me . " Ahmed just looked at me and then said " I 'm sure complaining about us . " I ignored his sarcastic remark and served tea and desserts . Safiah and Reeza sat for a little while after tea and then left . After they left Ahmed wanted to help me clear up but I refused . He sat for a while and then I asked him to leave , him being around was nothing but torture for me . He expects me to act normal after his nasty remarks . I 'm not going to put myself through that torture . He first didn 't want to leave and said we needed to sort this out but I didn 't want to hear anything . I was too upset and needed time to think . If he could pass a nasty comment like " maybe he needs to re - think , " then there 's something wrong in our relationship . After I pleaded with him , he finally left but he said , " if I go I might not come back . " That just hit me so hard that I burst out crying . He heard me but just left without looking back . At that moment I knew things were over . I sat on the floor crying , Rizwana saw my door open so she came in . She tried to calm me down but I saw her and just started crying more . She phoned Imraan and told him to come to my place . Imraan asked me what happened and I told him while Rizwana cleaned up the tea dishes . Imraan left after I told him what happened , he didn 't say where he was going . I sat in the lounge staring at the ceiling , hoping for a miracle . I can 't believe this is happening to me and for what because I don 't want to spend eid this year with his family . Maybe I should of just agreed but that would not solve the problem I 'm faced with now . I was so silly , I fell in this relationship and put my all in it and Ahmed probably didn 't even care . He probably just did what his mum told him too . This just makes me think if he ever cared , but I 'm not going to doubt him because in our weak moments we so just that and it doesn 't allow us to see or think rationally . We then make the wrong decisions . Rizwana sat with me while she tried to get a hold of Imraan , we needed to know where he went . He didn 't answer our calls so after a while we stopped trying . I told Rizwana to go home but she refused and said she wasn 't leaving me alone when I need her . After a few hours Imraan came back , he said he went to see Ahmed so he could hear his side of the story and know what his up to . I asked him what Ahmed had to say but he refused to tell me . He said I should rest today and he would tell me tomorrow . How could he expect me to rest . I decided I was going to call my sister and have her tell me what I should do . Imraan and Rizwana went home and I called Faheema , I told her everything from the beginning . She said I shouldn 't worry she would sort it out . I didn 't know how but I trusted her more then anyone else . I sat the rest of the day in my room , thinking and crying . I even messaged Ahmed to ask him what he wanted . I wanted to know if things were over between us . The sooner I knew the better , I would start moving on or working on what we have trying to get back what we had . All this is only possible if I know where I stand . Faheema messaged me to say that she and Shuaib would be in Jo ' burg in the morning and will sort out everything . She said not to tell anyone that they were coming or about what happened because everyone will just worry . I couldn 't sleep the whole night I left the radio on and sat in bed making dua that everything gets sorted . I wasn 't ready to loose Ahmed , I can 't afford to loose the one man I love and adore with all my heart and soul . I didn 't want to give up hope , I needed to stay positive . In the morning I took a shower and got ready , I made breakfast for myself and waited for Faheema and Shuaib . Rizwana came to check on me , she waited with me for Faheema to come . We spoke about Ahmed and I , she said she couldn 't believe he was saying all those nasty things . Rizwana even suggested that his mother could be putting him up to all this just so I can change my mind about eid . Would a mother really do something so drastic that it could cost her son his relationship . I doubt Aunty Shenaaz is such a person , what does she have against me that she would stoop so low . I was getting impatient , I couldn 't handle the waiting . Finally they arrived , Aunty Rubina cooked for us for lunch , so we sat immediately for lunch and then we sat and spoke . I told them everything from the beginning right until all his nasty comments and me messaging him last night . Faheema was furious but Shuaib said that he would like to talk to Ahmed first so we called Imraan over so he could take Shuaib to Ahmed . Faheema and I wanted to go with but Shuaib refused and said we would just make things worst . I was so restless waiting for Shuaib to come back and tell us what happened . My mum called on Faheema 's phone and told her that they all want to come to Jo ' burg for eid because they don 't want to leave me alone . Faheema explained to my mum that it wasn 't a good idea . It would just create more problems for Ahmed and I . After a while she agreed and then Faheema cut the call because she couldn 't hold back anymore . She started crying , saying why am i being out through all this agony . She doesn 't know how to help me and hopes that Shuaib going there to talk to Ahmed doesn 't make matters worst . |
The doctor found Buttercup 's heart was skipping . Not just once , but several times in a very short amount of time . " It is probably nothing , but we 'll get an EKG done to make sure . " The EKG picked up the irregular heartbeat . Troubling , as an EKG only measures about 30 seconds . More troubling is the fact that it was skipping in the lower half of her heart . Since , at the time , we didn 't think Buttercup had any other symptoms , she was cleared to play in her game over the weekend . We had some crying to do . Sitting on the side of the pool while her classmates swam and had a great time was not easy . Especially since only three people actually knew why she was sitting out . But we had time to laugh , in a twisted sort of way . Like when she and Star were getting into an argument . We heard her tell him , " Don 't you be getting my heart worked up . You 'd feel terrible if something happened ! " We had time to be normal . Luckily , we had already planned on taking Buttercup and two friends to a movie . It ended up being several hours at our house , a movie , dinner , and straight to the pool party . She was able to talk about things with her friends , joke around , and just be her 12 year old self for a while . We have one of the best children 's hospitals in the nation just a short drive away . Buttercup will be fine . Whatever is actually causing this skipping will be fixed . That doesn 't mean that we aren 't all scared . Anxious to get these tests done to see how good or bad the news will be . So we can stop crying and move on to the next step . So we don 't have to constantly be wondering if she 's doing too much . I just wanted to keep her home with me today , nice and safe on the couch . But I just couldn 't do it . All we would be doing is thinking through the what ifs all day long . Today will not be an easy day at school . Word will spread like wildfire , as all news does in a close - knit Catholic school . She 's going to hate all of the attention , pitiful looks , and discussions . Of course , she has gym class today , so that will alert everyone to the fact that she is not normal today . Which we all know is a horrible curse in middle school . The teachers and administrators are fantastic , though . They will be watching like a hawk , but in a way that the kids won 't see . And they will swoop in and get her out of any situation that overwhelms her . Two weeks ago , Buttercup got a new piano book full of songs from popular movies . On Saturday , as I was typing an e - mail to friends about the situation , Buttercup started playing a song she has been working on ever since she got the book , well before the discovery of the skipping . She didn 't realize what song it was unitl I started sobbing . Since the day he started wearing shoes at the age of 13 months , he has taken them off every time we get into the car . Every day . Every time . Socks too . If he 's in an extra naughty mood , those socks and shoes will be sent flying through the car . It is to the point that we don 't even bother bringing his shoes back into the house . We just put his shoes on when we get to wherever we are going . It isn 't a perfect strategy . One shoe was lost when a child was being dropped off somewhere . A veritable mountain of little socks accumulates in the van . And if he is going to play outside , we need to run out and get his shoes out of the van , as he only owns one pair of shoes at a time . Errand days are the worst . Hunt down the shoes in the van when we get to Stop 1 . Do the errand . Go to Stop 2 . Hunt down socks and shoes . Do the errand . Go to Stop 3 . Hunt down socks and shoes . . . Even if point A and point B are only 3 minutes apart , the shoes and socks come off . Today , I thought I had him . It was time to get him some new shoes . As we were heading into the store , we came to an understanding . He would get to keep his new shoes , only as long as he kept them on in the car . If he took them off , I would take the shoes , and he would have to wear the old ones . He was thrilled to find some shoes that had a football , soccer ball , and baseball on each of them . The size and price were right , so we bought them . ( He did not wear them home , as the security tag needed to be removed by the teller . ) When it was time to get the big kids from school , he raced to put on the new shoes . He was even more excited to find that the shoes lit up when he walked . Joy of joys . Although it was extremely difficult , I chose to ignore the kicking , believing that he would get tired of it and stop . OK , I couldn 't ignore it . I just kept pleading , " Please Baby Jesus , make this boy stop ! " I have totally gotten off track with this blog . I 'm supposed to be writing things down that I don 't want to forget about my kids . So today is a little journal for the children . Cuckoo has hit the extaordinary ornery stage . He finds it hilarious to do the exact opposite of what he should be doing . For example , I sent him in to the bathroom to wash his hands for lunch . Something he has done many , many times . He was taking a bit long , so I went to check on him . I found the brand - spankin ' new toilet paper unrolled all over the floor , the plunger in the toilet , and him acting like he 's trying to unclog it . Water absolutely everywhere . ( I of course took a photo of him grinning from ear to ear amidst his disaster , but I can 't find it anywhere . ) He is beginning to use his imagination to explain things that are going on around here . Yesterday , when I told him to bring his socks and shoes to me , he came back with two socks and one shoe . When I asked where the other one was , he replied , " I couldn 't find it . Christmas took it . " In his mind , anything that has to do with Christmas is called Christmas . What he meant to say was , " Santa Claus took it . " I have no idea why , in his mind , Santa would come and take his shoe . He has started biting his nails a bit . The other day , he tore one down to where it bled . He came running in to tell me of his boo - boo , so we put a Band - Aid on it . It must have been a VERY long time ago that he got his last Band - Aid . He could not have been more excited about it . Turken had his four year check - up yesterday . He is right on that 50th percentile line for height and weight . The perfect size to climb trees like the big kids . Poor kid has extremely dry skin . At his appointment , we found out that the things we thought were bug bites and excema patches were in fact a bunch of little infections in his pores . He now has to get an anti - bacterial lotion rubbed on , and Eucerin from head to toe twice a day . Let 's just say he 's not a fan . His soccer coach is one of the best coaches we have ever had . Each week he sends an e - mail with a run - down of the coming week . He doesn 't just say , " We 're going to be short a few players this week . " He says , " We 've got a hitch in our giddy - up . " In this email he also includes links of soccer videos for the kids to watch , usually about pros doing cool moves or great goals . Last week he sent one about a team that has elaborate , funny victory skits each time they score . You can see them here . In Saturday 's game , Giant scored , which is normal . Whenever he does , he grins , then heads back to the line for the restart of the game . However , this time , the little comedian came out , encouraged by the videos . Instead of the grin and line - up , he waited for everyone to settle down , and he Tebowed right there on the field . The kids and the folks on the sidelines cracked up . His coach was so proud that he mentioned it in the next week 's newsletter . As usual , Star played keeper ( goalie ) for the first half of the game . At one point , someone on the opposing team tried to score . It was a high ball , so Star went to jump for it . As soon as he was stretched as far as he could get himself , but before he jumped , a kid twice his size on the other team crashed right into him . Full body . Star went down , and the ball went in . It really should have been a foul on the kid , but the ref didn 't make the call . Parents on the sideline were going crazy , but Star simply brushed himself off and got ready for play to resume . He didn 't say one word to the ref . One minute before the end of the game , Star was playing offense . Someone crossed the ball to the middle , it bounced off of a defender a couple of feet in front of the goal , and Star kicked it in to score . Everyone was cheering and happy , for it put us in the lead . Until the ref called it back , saying Star was off - sides . Now the parents really went crazy . ( I could do a whole post on crazy soccer parents that make me crazy . ) I was so pleased to see that not one child on that field said a thing to the refs . ( Their coach for the day , who happened to be Giant 's coach , is the most positive person I 've ever seen on the field . Even he was irate and had a few words with the ref . ) The game ended in a tie , 1 - 1 . Afterwards , as the boys and parents were meeting up , Star had tears in his eyes . Two boys on the team were with him , trying to make him feel better . One looked at me and said , " Make sure he knows that none of what happened was his fault . He did exactly as he should have . " Sweet boys . I am so glad that he knows how to be a good sport . That even when he gets hurt , he can pick himself up , literally dust himself off , and move on . No arguing , no pouting , no drama . Baby girl is a party planner . She can 't just play . She must turn everything into an event . A show . A special occasion . Recently , she put together some fun for the boys . She had put up flags at either end of the field , and the strip that I had mowed made the side boundaries . She had those boys racing in every way possible . They ran backwards , they army crawled , they hopped on one foot , they crab - crawled . The favorite was running with their eyes closed . She 's gonna be a good mama someday . Phoenix broke out of his quiet little box and tried out for the middle school musical . Not play . Musical . I love our school 's music teacher . She can get just about every child in the building to sing a solo in front of his class . She has students begging to be the cantors at the weekly school mass . In short , she 's amazing . She chose the musical " School House Rock " for the kids to perform this year , and Phoenix landed a speaking role . Not a solo . ( As the teacher says , " The songs aren 't quite right for your voice . " Did I mention that I love her ? ) The kids put in hours and hours of work starting way back in February , and last week they performed in the high school auditorium . It was fun to hear all of those Saturday morning songs again . My foot was tapping the whole way through . And since Phoenix is one of the tallest kids in middle school , we never had trouble seeing him . He sang and danced his little heart out . When he wasn 't nervous as all get out . Looks like Buttercup got my " Surely I can do that craft without looking up intstructions " gene . And she didn 't learn from my failed egg craft with the boys , either . It makes me love her even more . Each year the sixth grade students complete a huge country project . The first deadline for it was today . The kids had to make a poster - size version of the flags of their countries . The assignment said it was to be creative . Anyone using markers , colored pencils , or crayons would get a zero and have to redo it . Since Buttercup is doing her project on Bermuda , she decided to make hers out of sand . I highly encouraged it . My independent little girl decided to do the flag with no help . For about 20 minutes . That 's when she came in very frustrated that it didn 't work . So I gave her a few tips . Wisdom I have gained in my many years of flung - together crafts . Little tips like , " At least cover the entire surface with glue . That would help . " Buttercup is crossing her fingers that her teacher doesn 't know 1 . ) That the part in the corner is supposed to be the flag of Great Britain and 2 . ) That she doesn 't know what that flag actually looks like . By the time she realized that two of the stripes were going the wrong way , the glue had dried . We didn 't have any more red sand , and it was 10 : 00 at night . So , she 's going with it . As for the crest , it 's supposed to be a red lion holding a shield with a sunken ship on it . But I didn 't need to tell you that . It 's obvious . If you squint your eyes and look really fast between the two pictures . Maybe ? But here we come to the part I didn 't think through . The messiest child in the world brought pounds of red sand into my kitchen and sprinkled , dumped and glued it . Lucky for her , the plumber came earlier in the day . He cut a bigger hole in the ceiling and unleashed over a hundred years of dirt , plaster , wood , and trash bags . Honestly , I have no idea why there were plastic grocery bags hidden in my kitchen ceiling . The whole redneck thing was surprise enough . ( And it 's getting worse . Anytime we pull in the driveway now , knowing that Cuckoo needs to go to the bathroom , I just pull his pants down right there in the grass and have him pee . We don 't even take the time to find a tree . ) When I was five years old or so , our family got our first puppy . It was the cutest bundle of fur you ever did see . His name was Zack . ( Every dog my dad has owned has been named Zack . It was supposed to be my name , but it just didn 't fit when I turned out to be a girl . ) Unfortunately , the puppy wasn 't as fond of us as we were of him . He bit three of us before my parents finally found a new home for him . I was the lucky one . He only put a gash in my hand . He also got my sister 's ear and my brother 's eyebrow . That experience made me nervous about dogs , but the dogs that lived across the street from us when we were growing up made me terrified . They were two vicious dogs that were tied up outside the garage . Anytime someone walked by the house , they would stretch their chains as far as they could and snarl , growl , and bark at the person . As a first grader , instead of going to the bus stop just on the other side of them , I chose to walk the almost mile to get to the next stop . A couple of times , these dogs got loose , and they tore across the street after us . My mom once fought them off with a broom while we scurried into the garage . Another time , my dad was coming home from his job as a policeman when the dogs got loose . He actually fired his gun to keep them from attacking . So with those two lovely first encounters with dogs , I was terrified for life . I would be able to handle myself at someone 's house if a dog was there , but if I met a strange dog on the street , I 'd lose it . Stand completely still , tears streaming down my face , praying the dog wouldn 't come near me . Awful . This actually happened only 8 years ago . When we bought this house , we decided that we had to have a dog . A big dog to keep coyotes at bay . We researched the types of dogs that would be good for us , but we didn 't know that our circumstances would change . We didn 't know that we would be embracing this farm life and need a dog to protect the animals . We simply looked for a dog that would be good to our kids and all the visitors to our home . We found Roy through the Humane Society . He was found walking along the river and was living at a foster home . He was an outside dog and very friendly . The foster owner had only good things to say about him . So , we got the dog . I was scared to death , but we did it anyway . For the kids . And this morning I tackled that 95 pound dog . Perfect shoulder to the midsection tackle . Got him in a headlock . And held him for a minute or so . All on my own . As Hubby and the farmer were unloading the pigs , a terrible squeeling racket was made . I ws just arriving on the scene , camera in hand , to get some pictures of the new additions to the farm . Roy was barking his full head off . He seems to be getting bolder in his old age , because out of nowhere he took off and ran into the barn . I followed , saw him getting right up into the pig 's face , barking and snarling . I didn 't wait to see what he would do next . I dashed around Hubby , who had a squeeler in his grasp , hurdled the two scared pigs already in the barn , and took that dog out . And I did it with a camera wrapped around my neck . Saved the day , if not my knees . Looks like I am no longer afraid of dogs . Who knew ? After it was all over , I was totally kicking myself for not handing the camera off to one of the kids before I jumped into the fracas . It would have been an awesome picture . When Hubby recounted the incident , he said that all he saw was a blur , followed by another , taller blur . The next thing he knew , he had to save the dog from my death - grip . Roy is safely tied up , and has been howling most of the time . While I was out feeding and watering the pigs , I let Roy off his leash to see what he 'd do . He was digging and searching for any possible opening into that pen . Even tried to pull a little tree out of the ground . Basically , we have got ourselves a situation . For now , he 's tied up again . And he 'll have to stay that way unless we are outside with him . We need to make sure that pen is sealed up tight . Then he 'll be getting a shave and a new shock collar , which should solve everything . ( Cross your fingers . We don 't have a Plan B . ) Yikes . Anyone seen Charlotte 's Web recently ? We have . This looks way too much like Wilbur breaking into song . We won 't be naming these hogs like we did the first year we raised hogs . They were named Pork Chop , Applesauce , and Leftovers . We wanted to make sure the kids knew that these pigs were going to eventually be eaten . It worked , except for Giant thinking that applesauce came from a pig . ( That 's when I realized that the kids have never seen The Brady Bunch . A shame , really . ) For a few weeks now , one little boy has been on my mind quite a bit . I don 't know why . Nothing has happened that I know of to make me wonder . But there he is . In my thoughts and prayers . Almost 20 years ago , when I was student teaching in a third grade classroom , I worked with a troubled little boy . At the age of eight , he already had a reputation . No kids wanted to play with him . No teacher wanted him in her class . He had spent all but a handful of recesses in the principal 's office . I am the first to admit , he was beyond a handful . Within the first week , he was into all sorts of trouble . Spitting on kids , yelling at adults , throwing things across the room , refusing to do any work . It was a bad situation . So I made a new rule . Anytime he left the room , he had to hold my hand . At first , he fought it , and he fought it hard . Crying , pulling away , refusing to do it . I would just hold his wrist and walk with him . I 'd talk to him and ask questions , whether he responded or not . ( I 'm guessing that these days , I wouldn 't have been allowed to do such a thing . ) Something drastic happened . I saw it , but I wasn 't sure others did until another third grader came to me and asked what had happened to this little boy . She said that he doesn 't hit or spit anymore , that he is actually fun on the playground , and he is a nice boy . I almost cried when she said this . I certainly let him know that people were liking the change . Parent - teacher conference time came around . Just before his conference , I found out that the male teacher in the building was going to be sitting in the hall outside of our room , listening in case we needed help . I found out that this boy 's mom had a boyfriend , which the little boy called " Dad " . A boyfriend that beat her , had spent time in jail , and had been known to be quite aggressive and intimidating at past conferences . Not ideal , but I wasn 't worried . For the first time in this boy 's life , his teachers were going to be singing his praises . Not only was he doing his work , but he was taking pride in doing it well . As I expected , his mom was thrilled , and the boyfriend behaved himself . After the fourth attack on a child , I pulled him into an empty room and asked him what was going on . After a minute of telling me , " Nothing , " he broke down into horrible sobs . He couldn 't talk for a good long time . He just cried and cried . All I could do was hug him and clean the snot of his face . Finally he managed to tell me . His dad was missing . Something about a fight , police and the hospital were involved . I found out later that his mom 's boyfriend wasn 't missing , but was in jail . It physically hurt to have to leave that little boy . I knew that once I left , things were going to go downhill . The teacher I worked with , while being a good person , just didn 't see that he needed love and positive attention , not structure . I came back to visit the kids several times . The last time I was there , this boy had been moved to the classroom with the male teacher . He was back to his old ways . I wonder what has become of him . I still wonder if there is any way I could have done more . I wonder why in the world I was put there to help him , when I was just going to be leaving after three months . I became just another person to abandon him and let him down . But I never forgot him , and I never forgot what I learned from him . And I applied it to all other children that I taught over the years . In every classroom , there is at least one child that needs something different . Something outside of the box . I did my best to help those kids . But then I started my own family and gave up my ( paid ) teaching career . And I 'll never go back . Not because I didn 't love my job , but because I could never be a good mom and a good teacher at the same time . I know my limits . Watching my children grow makes me so very sad . As I write this , I am listening to Turken and Cuckoo chatting in their beds . Quietly , until someone gets excited and blurts out , " THAT ' S how you count " or some other such declaration . There is no sound in this world that I love more than the squeaky , high - pitched talk of a toddler . I 'm not going to spend much time in my kids ' school . They have fabulous teachers and very involved parents . No , I 'm going to get into those rooms that really need help . With fabulous teachers that have little boys and girls with needs that can 't be written into an IEP , but not enough time or resources to help them all . Two days ago , when I actually started writing this post , Buttercup told me that she got Bermuda for her country report . I can 't tell you how excited I am that she will be writing about the place where Hubby and I spent our first year of marriage . I immediately started digging in our " Really Old Photos That I Will Organize Some Day in the Far Distant Future , " and one of the first pictures that got pulled out was this one : That 's him there in the middle . Reading with a classmate . Happy and friendly and engaged . I didn 't even know I had this picture . And I teared up when I saw it . Like the summer I worked for the Ohio Department of Transportation . My job for the entire summer was to pound rust off of the plows and trucks to prepare them for painting . I loved that job ! Oh , the joy of finding a large , deep area of rust to destroy with a hammer . When I was 15 I worked at our insurance agent 's office . At first my job was to put all of the info from the files into the brand new computer system . That was a huge deal ! No one had computers in their houses , and I got to use one every day I worked . I managed a quick , " I 'm so sorry ! " before I slammed the phone down . ( Remember when you could slam a phone ? Pushing an off button just doesn 't have the same effect . ) Early in the morning , she would go out and set up nets . She then sat and waited until a bird got caught in the trap . They weren 't catching birds in lovely , park - like settings . He worked in a meat - packing plant . And oh did he stink at the end of his shift . I had to pick him up from work a couple of times , and my car was never the same , despite having the windows rolled down the entire drive . Cuckoo is a stubbornly picky eater . So when he asked for more lasagna , we braced ourselves . He hadn 't had a nap today , so a meltdown when we told him he had to eat his salad first was inevitable . Cuckoo had a hard time picking it up with his fork . Now he 'll give it up , right ? Nope . He asked Buttercup to help him . Babies are born knowing very few things . How to breathe , how to eat , how to cry , how to spit up . If we 're lucky , how to sleep . And deciding how to teach these things can be just as rough . Some things need to be laid right out there , step by step , like how to plant seeds in the garden . Some things are better learned through trial and error , like how to make a block tower taller and steadier . Some things could use a combination of the two , like how to swim the backstroke . I 'm constantly getting blindsided by things that we haven 't taught the children yet . It all can get quite overwhelming . I just have to remind myself that it is not my job to teach them absolutely everything they need to know before they leave my house . Gotta check my ego at the door . Do they know how to play tennis ? Most certainly not . Are we all frustrated that no one can actually get the ball over the net and into play ? Not anymore . We all learned that playing tennis is a skill that is learned . And a skill that needs practice . Lots and lots of practice . Never before in our lives have we found ourselves in a city far from home with absolutely no reason to be there . A wide - open , rainy day with no plan whatsoever . Basically , a day we have always dreamed of . A day to drive home , but stop whenever the fancy strikes . Since we pulled out of the hotel parking lot at 11 : 59 , the first thing to do was get some grub . We are not fast - food people , so we drove east on I - 70 until we found something . Let me just say that there isn 't alot of food that isn 't fast off of I - 70 . It was a little mom and pop place , where actual foot - high pies greet you at the door . Where the decor looks just like it did on opening day many a year ago . A place that doesn 't take credit or debit cards . A place that serves homemade meatloaf , chicken and dumplings , and fried walleye . We feasted on it all , with a whole lemon meringue pie for dessert . In Vandalia we found the state 's oldest state capitol building . It is where Abe Lincoln got his start in politics . Where spitoons graced every corner . Where original Ben Franklin stoves kept the rooms warm . A nice , quick stop right off of the freeway . After our token photo , we clamored back into the vehicles for the next leg of the journey . Then we went out to see the grounds . There were actually two working farms . On one side , Lincoln 's father 's farm , where his goal was to simply sustain his family . On the other , a neighbor 's farm , where his goal was to make as much money as he could . Normally , there are interpreters all over the farms pretending it is the year 1854 . They are working the fields , tending the animals , cooking , making candles , and all else people of the time would do . We wandered around the barn , chatted with the sheep that were in there , and were exploring around the outside of Lincoln 's house when the groundskeeper of the park showed up . He unlocked the house and gave us a mini tour . He pulled things off of the shelves to show us , let the kids climb up to the loft , hold and work some of the tools , and basically do everything we wouldn 't have been allowed to do if the interepreters were there . As we left the house , the heaven 's opened up and the rain came down . It poured . Cats and dogs . We raced to the barn , but could go no further without getting soaked . Sure , there should be dry clothes in the van . But after that willy - nilly , hasty packing , I had no idea where they were or what we could dig out . So , Hubby took one for the team and ran out to get all of the umbrellas . Once again , our guide unlocked the house and let us loose in it . It was a bigger , richer house , with many more rooms and a few amenities , like a much nicer chamber pot . ( Thankfully no one took the opportunity to try that ! ) In the yard , the kids found a little frog . Phoenix , the expert frog catcher , caught it for Turken to hold . And then , the best part . The visitor 's center lady had told us that a lamb was born just the night before . Unfortunately , it was locked up in the barn with the mama and out of sight . Well , when you become BFFs with the groundskeeper , nothing is off limits . Without a mention of it from us , he opened the gate and motioned us in . He swung open the barn door , and there they were . Just two feet in front of us . We talked to several families today about what they did after the tournament was cancelled . Every single family simply headed straight home . The main reason people had was that it was raining . Can 't do anything in the rain . Because with rain , there is so oftentimes a rainbow . In this case , a complete rainbow . We could see that rainbow from one end all the way to the other . This trip to St . Louis for the soccer tournament put my packing skills to the test . It was a trip in which we had to take two cars . ( The games were going to be at 5 different facilities all around St . Louis throughout the weekend , so we needed two cars . ) Hubby was going to arrive at the hotel with the five youngest kids at around 9 : 30pm Friday night , while I would arrive at 11 : 00 with Phoenix . The non - stop games were more than likely going to be played in a lot of rain . There was no free breakfast buffet at the restaurant , and no time to go to a restaurant for lunch . There was no fridge at the hotel . Clearly marked bag to leave in car holding a complete set of clothes , because we won 't know who will be with which vehicle when the rain hits . Bag with change of shoes for little boys , Hubby , and me . Plus newspaper to stuff in wet shoes to speed the dry time . Suitcase with two complete sets of clothes for little boys , Hubby , and me . One set for soccer kids . One pair of sweats for each person . Extra PJs and diapers for little boys to sleep in . Bathing suits for all to swim at the hotel . Rain gear consisting of every umbrella , poncho , raincoat in the house . Everything was packed perfectly in the van and car to maximize efficiency and decrease chaos / digging through the trunks / shifting during driving . At 4 : 30 on Friday afternoon , I met Hubby near the interstate . He got the loaded van , I got his car and Phoenix . The trip began . Her field was covered in water . A girl would kick the ball as hard as she could , yet it would only go a couple of feet , landing in a huge splash of water . Drowned rats is the best way to describe those girls . ( Unfortunately , Hubby didn 't think to take a photo . He was severely scolded for it . ) We had until 12 : 00 to get ourselves checked out of the hotel to avoid being charged for the second night . The entire hotel was filled with soccer families . We ALL had until 12 : 00 to get out of the hotel . So much for all of my careful packing . Both Buttercup 's and Star 's teams decided to go ahead and finish their games . They were already wet , might as well finish the only game they were to play that weekend . Hubby stayed with them . I tried racing back to the hotel with the youngest three kids . I was dictating to Giant , so he could text to folks that we needed to alert to the situation . In all of the commotion , I went right by our exit and went 15 minutes out of our way . God bless Turken . He is actually one of the two kids who loves order as much as me . He was checking under beds , in dressers and bathrooms without me even asking him to . Have you ever felt like the world is out to get you ? You 're simply minding your own business and people start making decisions and forming policies that really just make you mad ? When not just one , but a bunch of people seem to throw common courtesy and thoughfulness right out the window ? I am always the person that finds humor in just about any situation . I have found that there are few times that one can 't find something funny . And here I sit . I can 't even muster a giggle . I just want to lay on the couch and have a bit of a pity party for me . In my head , between all of the rants I want to scream at these people , I am telling myself all of the things I tell the kids . " You can 't control another person 's actions . All you can control is your reaction to them . " I won 't be writing anything new for a few days . Don 't think it 's because I 'm wallowing . I 'm most definitely not a wallower . It 's because in the next three days the four big kids will have no less than 13 soccer games . In a city four hours away from here . A city that has a 70 % chance of rain and storms both Saturday and Sunday . Good thing I love watching soccer games ! When we moved to this house , on this plot of land , I knew I would enjoy the fresh air . I knew I would enjoy being out by ourselves where only noises of nature ( and an occasional train ) can be heard . I knew I would enjoy the big , beautiful trees and the wide open areas for the kids to play . I am a woman who refuses to make solid plans in my life , but does whatever comes my way . As a result , I 've taught just about every grade , decorated cakes , owned a photography business , given birth to six children , and bought a 140 year old house that happened to come with a small farm . I am fortunate to have married a man who is responsible and sets goals so I don 't have to . You will often find me either driving our 12 - passenger van around town or disposing of the dead animals that frequently litter our property . |
The doctor found Buttercup 's heart was skipping . Not just once , but several times in a very short amount of time . " It is probably nothing , but we 'll get an EKG done to make sure . " The EKG picked up the irregular heartbeat . Troubling , as an EKG only measures about 30 seconds . More troubling is the fact that it was skipping in the lower half of her heart . Since , at the time , we didn 't think Buttercup had any other symptoms , she was cleared to play in her game over the weekend . We had some crying to do . Sitting on the side of the pool while her classmates swam and had a great time was not easy . Especially since only three people actually knew why she was sitting out . But we had time to laugh , in a twisted sort of way . Like when she and Star were getting into an argument . We heard her tell him , " Don 't you be getting my heart worked up . You 'd feel terrible if something happened ! " We had time to be normal . Luckily , we had already planned on taking Buttercup and two friends to a movie . It ended up being several hours at our house , a movie , dinner , and straight to the pool party . She was able to talk about things with her friends , joke around , and just be her 12 year old self for a while . We have one of the best children 's hospitals in the nation just a short drive away . Buttercup will be fine . Whatever is actually causing this skipping will be fixed . That doesn 't mean that we aren 't all scared . Anxious to get these tests done to see how good or bad the news will be . So we can stop crying and move on to the next step . So we don 't have to constantly be wondering if she 's doing too much . I just wanted to keep her home with me today , nice and safe on the couch . But I just couldn 't do it . All we would be doing is thinking through the what ifs all day long . Today will not be an easy day at school . Word will spread like wildfire , as all news does in a close - knit Catholic school . She 's going to hate all of the attention , pitiful looks , and discussions . Of course , she has gym class today , so that will alert everyone to the fact that she is not normal today . Which we all know is a horrible curse in middle school . The teachers and administrators are fantastic , though . They will be watching like a hawk , but in a way that the kids won 't see . And they will swoop in and get her out of any situation that overwhelms her . Two weeks ago , Buttercup got a new piano book full of songs from popular movies . On Saturday , as I was typing an e - mail to friends about the situation , Buttercup started playing a song she has been working on ever since she got the book , well before the discovery of the skipping . She didn 't realize what song it was unitl I started sobbing . Since the day he started wearing shoes at the age of 13 months , he has taken them off every time we get into the car . Every day . Every time . Socks too . If he 's in an extra naughty mood , those socks and shoes will be sent flying through the car . It is to the point that we don 't even bother bringing his shoes back into the house . We just put his shoes on when we get to wherever we are going . It isn 't a perfect strategy . One shoe was lost when a child was being dropped off somewhere . A veritable mountain of little socks accumulates in the van . And if he is going to play outside , we need to run out and get his shoes out of the van , as he only owns one pair of shoes at a time . Errand days are the worst . Hunt down the shoes in the van when we get to Stop 1 . Do the errand . Go to Stop 2 . Hunt down socks and shoes . Do the errand . Go to Stop 3 . Hunt down socks and shoes . . . Even if point A and point B are only 3 minutes apart , the shoes and socks come off . Today , I thought I had him . It was time to get him some new shoes . As we were heading into the store , we came to an understanding . He would get to keep his new shoes , only as long as he kept them on in the car . If he took them off , I would take the shoes , and he would have to wear the old ones . He was thrilled to find some shoes that had a football , soccer ball , and baseball on each of them . The size and price were right , so we bought them . ( He did not wear them home , as the security tag needed to be removed by the teller . ) When it was time to get the big kids from school , he raced to put on the new shoes . He was even more excited to find that the shoes lit up when he walked . Joy of joys . Although it was extremely difficult , I chose to ignore the kicking , believing that he would get tired of it and stop . OK , I couldn 't ignore it . I just kept pleading , " Please Baby Jesus , make this boy stop ! " I have totally gotten off track with this blog . I 'm supposed to be writing things down that I don 't want to forget about my kids . So today is a little journal for the children . Cuckoo has hit the extaordinary ornery stage . He finds it hilarious to do the exact opposite of what he should be doing . For example , I sent him in to the bathroom to wash his hands for lunch . Something he has done many , many times . He was taking a bit long , so I went to check on him . I found the brand - spankin ' new toilet paper unrolled all over the floor , the plunger in the toilet , and him acting like he 's trying to unclog it . Water absolutely everywhere . ( I of course took a photo of him grinning from ear to ear amidst his disaster , but I can 't find it anywhere . ) He is beginning to use his imagination to explain things that are going on around here . Yesterday , when I told him to bring his socks and shoes to me , he came back with two socks and one shoe . When I asked where the other one was , he replied , " I couldn 't find it . Christmas took it . " In his mind , anything that has to do with Christmas is called Christmas . What he meant to say was , " Santa Claus took it . " I have no idea why , in his mind , Santa would come and take his shoe . He has started biting his nails a bit . The other day , he tore one down to where it bled . He came running in to tell me of his boo - boo , so we put a Band - Aid on it . It must have been a VERY long time ago that he got his last Band - Aid . He could not have been more excited about it . Turken had his four year check - up yesterday . He is right on that 50th percentile line for height and weight . The perfect size to climb trees like the big kids . Poor kid has extremely dry skin . At his appointment , we found out that the things we thought were bug bites and excema patches were in fact a bunch of little infections in his pores . He now has to get an anti - bacterial lotion rubbed on , and Eucerin from head to toe twice a day . Let 's just say he 's not a fan . His soccer coach is one of the best coaches we have ever had . Each week he sends an e - mail with a run - down of the coming week . He doesn 't just say , " We 're going to be short a few players this week . " He says , " We 've got a hitch in our giddy - up . " In this email he also includes links of soccer videos for the kids to watch , usually about pros doing cool moves or great goals . Last week he sent one about a team that has elaborate , funny victory skits each time they score . You can see them here . In Saturday 's game , Giant scored , which is normal . Whenever he does , he grins , then heads back to the line for the restart of the game . However , this time , the little comedian came out , encouraged by the videos . Instead of the grin and line - up , he waited for everyone to settle down , and he Tebowed right there on the field . The kids and the folks on the sidelines cracked up . His coach was so proud that he mentioned it in the next week 's newsletter . As usual , Star played keeper ( goalie ) for the first half of the game . At one point , someone on the opposing team tried to score . It was a high ball , so Star went to jump for it . As soon as he was stretched as far as he could get himself , but before he jumped , a kid twice his size on the other team crashed right into him . Full body . Star went down , and the ball went in . It really should have been a foul on the kid , but the ref didn 't make the call . Parents on the sideline were going crazy , but Star simply brushed himself off and got ready for play to resume . He didn 't say one word to the ref . One minute before the end of the game , Star was playing offense . Someone crossed the ball to the middle , it bounced off of a defender a couple of feet in front of the goal , and Star kicked it in to score . Everyone was cheering and happy , for it put us in the lead . Until the ref called it back , saying Star was off - sides . Now the parents really went crazy . ( I could do a whole post on crazy soccer parents that make me crazy . ) I was so pleased to see that not one child on that field said a thing to the refs . ( Their coach for the day , who happened to be Giant 's coach , is the most positive person I 've ever seen on the field . Even he was irate and had a few words with the ref . ) The game ended in a tie , 1 - 1 . Afterwards , as the boys and parents were meeting up , Star had tears in his eyes . Two boys on the team were with him , trying to make him feel better . One looked at me and said , " Make sure he knows that none of what happened was his fault . He did exactly as he should have . " Sweet boys . I am so glad that he knows how to be a good sport . That even when he gets hurt , he can pick himself up , literally dust himself off , and move on . No arguing , no pouting , no drama . Baby girl is a party planner . She can 't just play . She must turn everything into an event . A show . A special occasion . Recently , she put together some fun for the boys . She had put up flags at either end of the field , and the strip that I had mowed made the side boundaries . She had those boys racing in every way possible . They ran backwards , they army crawled , they hopped on one foot , they crab - crawled . The favorite was running with their eyes closed . She 's gonna be a good mama someday . Phoenix broke out of his quiet little box and tried out for the middle school musical . Not play . Musical . I love our school 's music teacher . She can get just about every child in the building to sing a solo in front of his class . She has students begging to be the cantors at the weekly school mass . In short , she 's amazing . She chose the musical " School House Rock " for the kids to perform this year , and Phoenix landed a speaking role . Not a solo . ( As the teacher says , " The songs aren 't quite right for your voice . " Did I mention that I love her ? ) The kids put in hours and hours of work starting way back in February , and last week they performed in the high school auditorium . It was fun to hear all of those Saturday morning songs again . My foot was tapping the whole way through . And since Phoenix is one of the tallest kids in middle school , we never had trouble seeing him . He sang and danced his little heart out . When he wasn 't nervous as all get out . Looks like Buttercup got my " Surely I can do that craft without looking up intstructions " gene . And she didn 't learn from my failed egg craft with the boys , either . It makes me love her even more . Each year the sixth grade students complete a huge country project . The first deadline for it was today . The kids had to make a poster - size version of the flags of their countries . The assignment said it was to be creative . Anyone using markers , colored pencils , or crayons would get a zero and have to redo it . Since Buttercup is doing her project on Bermuda , she decided to make hers out of sand . I highly encouraged it . My independent little girl decided to do the flag with no help . For about 20 minutes . That 's when she came in very frustrated that it didn 't work . So I gave her a few tips . Wisdom I have gained in my many years of flung - together crafts . Little tips like , " At least cover the entire surface with glue . That would help . " Buttercup is crossing her fingers that her teacher doesn 't know 1 . ) That the part in the corner is supposed to be the flag of Great Britain and 2 . ) That she doesn 't know what that flag actually looks like . By the time she realized that two of the stripes were going the wrong way , the glue had dried . We didn 't have any more red sand , and it was 10 : 00 at night . So , she 's going with it . As for the crest , it 's supposed to be a red lion holding a shield with a sunken ship on it . But I didn 't need to tell you that . It 's obvious . If you squint your eyes and look really fast between the two pictures . Maybe ? But here we come to the part I didn 't think through . The messiest child in the world brought pounds of red sand into my kitchen and sprinkled , dumped and glued it . Lucky for her , the plumber came earlier in the day . He cut a bigger hole in the ceiling and unleashed over a hundred years of dirt , plaster , wood , and trash bags . Honestly , I have no idea why there were plastic grocery bags hidden in my kitchen ceiling . The whole redneck thing was surprise enough . ( And it 's getting worse . Anytime we pull in the driveway now , knowing that Cuckoo needs to go to the bathroom , I just pull his pants down right there in the grass and have him pee . We don 't even take the time to find a tree . ) When I was five years old or so , our family got our first puppy . It was the cutest bundle of fur you ever did see . His name was Zack . ( Every dog my dad has owned has been named Zack . It was supposed to be my name , but it just didn 't fit when I turned out to be a girl . ) Unfortunately , the puppy wasn 't as fond of us as we were of him . He bit three of us before my parents finally found a new home for him . I was the lucky one . He only put a gash in my hand . He also got my sister 's ear and my brother 's eyebrow . That experience made me nervous about dogs , but the dogs that lived across the street from us when we were growing up made me terrified . They were two vicious dogs that were tied up outside the garage . Anytime someone walked by the house , they would stretch their chains as far as they could and snarl , growl , and bark at the person . As a first grader , instead of going to the bus stop just on the other side of them , I chose to walk the almost mile to get to the next stop . A couple of times , these dogs got loose , and they tore across the street after us . My mom once fought them off with a broom while we scurried into the garage . Another time , my dad was coming home from his job as a policeman when the dogs got loose . He actually fired his gun to keep them from attacking . So with those two lovely first encounters with dogs , I was terrified for life . I would be able to handle myself at someone 's house if a dog was there , but if I met a strange dog on the street , I 'd lose it . Stand completely still , tears streaming down my face , praying the dog wouldn 't come near me . Awful . This actually happened only 8 years ago . When we bought this house , we decided that we had to have a dog . A big dog to keep coyotes at bay . We researched the types of dogs that would be good for us , but we didn 't know that our circumstances would change . We didn 't know that we would be embracing this farm life and need a dog to protect the animals . We simply looked for a dog that would be good to our kids and all the visitors to our home . We found Roy through the Humane Society . He was found walking along the river and was living at a foster home . He was an outside dog and very friendly . The foster owner had only good things to say about him . So , we got the dog . I was scared to death , but we did it anyway . For the kids . And this morning I tackled that 95 pound dog . Perfect shoulder to the midsection tackle . Got him in a headlock . And held him for a minute or so . All on my own . As Hubby and the farmer were unloading the pigs , a terrible squeeling racket was made . I ws just arriving on the scene , camera in hand , to get some pictures of the new additions to the farm . Roy was barking his full head off . He seems to be getting bolder in his old age , because out of nowhere he took off and ran into the barn . I followed , saw him getting right up into the pig 's face , barking and snarling . I didn 't wait to see what he would do next . I dashed around Hubby , who had a squeeler in his grasp , hurdled the two scared pigs already in the barn , and took that dog out . And I did it with a camera wrapped around my neck . Saved the day , if not my knees . Looks like I am no longer afraid of dogs . Who knew ? After it was all over , I was totally kicking myself for not handing the camera off to one of the kids before I jumped into the fracas . It would have been an awesome picture . When Hubby recounted the incident , he said that all he saw was a blur , followed by another , taller blur . The next thing he knew , he had to save the dog from my death - grip . Roy is safely tied up , and has been howling most of the time . While I was out feeding and watering the pigs , I let Roy off his leash to see what he 'd do . He was digging and searching for any possible opening into that pen . Even tried to pull a little tree out of the ground . Basically , we have got ourselves a situation . For now , he 's tied up again . And he 'll have to stay that way unless we are outside with him . We need to make sure that pen is sealed up tight . Then he 'll be getting a shave and a new shock collar , which should solve everything . ( Cross your fingers . We don 't have a Plan B . ) Yikes . Anyone seen Charlotte 's Web recently ? We have . This looks way too much like Wilbur breaking into song . We won 't be naming these hogs like we did the first year we raised hogs . They were named Pork Chop , Applesauce , and Leftovers . We wanted to make sure the kids knew that these pigs were going to eventually be eaten . It worked , except for Giant thinking that applesauce came from a pig . ( That 's when I realized that the kids have never seen The Brady Bunch . A shame , really . ) For a few weeks now , one little boy has been on my mind quite a bit . I don 't know why . Nothing has happened that I know of to make me wonder . But there he is . In my thoughts and prayers . Almost 20 years ago , when I was student teaching in a third grade classroom , I worked with a troubled little boy . At the age of eight , he already had a reputation . No kids wanted to play with him . No teacher wanted him in her class . He had spent all but a handful of recesses in the principal 's office . I am the first to admit , he was beyond a handful . Within the first week , he was into all sorts of trouble . Spitting on kids , yelling at adults , throwing things across the room , refusing to do any work . It was a bad situation . So I made a new rule . Anytime he left the room , he had to hold my hand . At first , he fought it , and he fought it hard . Crying , pulling away , refusing to do it . I would just hold his wrist and walk with him . I 'd talk to him and ask questions , whether he responded or not . ( I 'm guessing that these days , I wouldn 't have been allowed to do such a thing . ) Something drastic happened . I saw it , but I wasn 't sure others did until another third grader came to me and asked what had happened to this little boy . She said that he doesn 't hit or spit anymore , that he is actually fun on the playground , and he is a nice boy . I almost cried when she said this . I certainly let him know that people were liking the change . Parent - teacher conference time came around . Just before his conference , I found out that the male teacher in the building was going to be sitting in the hall outside of our room , listening in case we needed help . I found out that this boy 's mom had a boyfriend , which the little boy called " Dad " . A boyfriend that beat her , had spent time in jail , and had been known to be quite aggressive and intimidating at past conferences . Not ideal , but I wasn 't worried . For the first time in this boy 's life , his teachers were going to be singing his praises . Not only was he doing his work , but he was taking pride in doing it well . As I expected , his mom was thrilled , and the boyfriend behaved himself . After the fourth attack on a child , I pulled him into an empty room and asked him what was going on . After a minute of telling me , " Nothing , " he broke down into horrible sobs . He couldn 't talk for a good long time . He just cried and cried . All I could do was hug him and clean the snot of his face . Finally he managed to tell me . His dad was missing . Something about a fight , police and the hospital were involved . I found out later that his mom 's boyfriend wasn 't missing , but was in jail . It physically hurt to have to leave that little boy . I knew that once I left , things were going to go downhill . The teacher I worked with , while being a good person , just didn 't see that he needed love and positive attention , not structure . I came back to visit the kids several times . The last time I was there , this boy had been moved to the classroom with the male teacher . He was back to his old ways . I wonder what has become of him . I still wonder if there is any way I could have done more . I wonder why in the world I was put there to help him , when I was just going to be leaving after three months . I became just another person to abandon him and let him down . But I never forgot him , and I never forgot what I learned from him . And I applied it to all other children that I taught over the years . In every classroom , there is at least one child that needs something different . Something outside of the box . I did my best to help those kids . But then I started my own family and gave up my ( paid ) teaching career . And I 'll never go back . Not because I didn 't love my job , but because I could never be a good mom and a good teacher at the same time . I know my limits . Watching my children grow makes me so very sad . As I write this , I am listening to Turken and Cuckoo chatting in their beds . Quietly , until someone gets excited and blurts out , " THAT ' S how you count " or some other such declaration . There is no sound in this world that I love more than the squeaky , high - pitched talk of a toddler . I 'm not going to spend much time in my kids ' school . They have fabulous teachers and very involved parents . No , I 'm going to get into those rooms that really need help . With fabulous teachers that have little boys and girls with needs that can 't be written into an IEP , but not enough time or resources to help them all . Two days ago , when I actually started writing this post , Buttercup told me that she got Bermuda for her country report . I can 't tell you how excited I am that she will be writing about the place where Hubby and I spent our first year of marriage . I immediately started digging in our " Really Old Photos That I Will Organize Some Day in the Far Distant Future , " and one of the first pictures that got pulled out was this one : That 's him there in the middle . Reading with a classmate . Happy and friendly and engaged . I didn 't even know I had this picture . And I teared up when I saw it . Like the summer I worked for the Ohio Department of Transportation . My job for the entire summer was to pound rust off of the plows and trucks to prepare them for painting . I loved that job ! Oh , the joy of finding a large , deep area of rust to destroy with a hammer . When I was 15 I worked at our insurance agent 's office . At first my job was to put all of the info from the files into the brand new computer system . That was a huge deal ! No one had computers in their houses , and I got to use one every day I worked . I managed a quick , " I 'm so sorry ! " before I slammed the phone down . ( Remember when you could slam a phone ? Pushing an off button just doesn 't have the same effect . ) Early in the morning , she would go out and set up nets . She then sat and waited until a bird got caught in the trap . They weren 't catching birds in lovely , park - like settings . He worked in a meat - packing plant . And oh did he stink at the end of his shift . I had to pick him up from work a couple of times , and my car was never the same , despite having the windows rolled down the entire drive . Cuckoo is a stubbornly picky eater . So when he asked for more lasagna , we braced ourselves . He hadn 't had a nap today , so a meltdown when we told him he had to eat his salad first was inevitable . Cuckoo had a hard time picking it up with his fork . Now he 'll give it up , right ? Nope . He asked Buttercup to help him . Babies are born knowing very few things . How to breathe , how to eat , how to cry , how to spit up . If we 're lucky , how to sleep . And deciding how to teach these things can be just as rough . Some things need to be laid right out there , step by step , like how to plant seeds in the garden . Some things are better learned through trial and error , like how to make a block tower taller and steadier . Some things could use a combination of the two , like how to swim the backstroke . I 'm constantly getting blindsided by things that we haven 't taught the children yet . It all can get quite overwhelming . I just have to remind myself that it is not my job to teach them absolutely everything they need to know before they leave my house . Gotta check my ego at the door . Do they know how to play tennis ? Most certainly not . Are we all frustrated that no one can actually get the ball over the net and into play ? Not anymore . We all learned that playing tennis is a skill that is learned . And a skill that needs practice . Lots and lots of practice . Never before in our lives have we found ourselves in a city far from home with absolutely no reason to be there . A wide - open , rainy day with no plan whatsoever . Basically , a day we have always dreamed of . A day to drive home , but stop whenever the fancy strikes . Since we pulled out of the hotel parking lot at 11 : 59 , the first thing to do was get some grub . We are not fast - food people , so we drove east on I - 70 until we found something . Let me just say that there isn 't alot of food that isn 't fast off of I - 70 . It was a little mom and pop place , where actual foot - high pies greet you at the door . Where the decor looks just like it did on opening day many a year ago . A place that doesn 't take credit or debit cards . A place that serves homemade meatloaf , chicken and dumplings , and fried walleye . We feasted on it all , with a whole lemon meringue pie for dessert . In Vandalia we found the state 's oldest state capitol building . It is where Abe Lincoln got his start in politics . Where spitoons graced every corner . Where original Ben Franklin stoves kept the rooms warm . A nice , quick stop right off of the freeway . After our token photo , we clamored back into the vehicles for the next leg of the journey . Then we went out to see the grounds . There were actually two working farms . On one side , Lincoln 's father 's farm , where his goal was to simply sustain his family . On the other , a neighbor 's farm , where his goal was to make as much money as he could . Normally , there are interpreters all over the farms pretending it is the year 1854 . They are working the fields , tending the animals , cooking , making candles , and all else people of the time would do . We wandered around the barn , chatted with the sheep that were in there , and were exploring around the outside of Lincoln 's house when the groundskeeper of the park showed up . He unlocked the house and gave us a mini tour . He pulled things off of the shelves to show us , let the kids climb up to the loft , hold and work some of the tools , and basically do everything we wouldn 't have been allowed to do if the interepreters were there . As we left the house , the heaven 's opened up and the rain came down . It poured . Cats and dogs . We raced to the barn , but could go no further without getting soaked . Sure , there should be dry clothes in the van . But after that willy - nilly , hasty packing , I had no idea where they were or what we could dig out . So , Hubby took one for the team and ran out to get all of the umbrellas . Once again , our guide unlocked the house and let us loose in it . It was a bigger , richer house , with many more rooms and a few amenities , like a much nicer chamber pot . ( Thankfully no one took the opportunity to try that ! ) In the yard , the kids found a little frog . Phoenix , the expert frog catcher , caught it for Turken to hold . And then , the best part . The visitor 's center lady had told us that a lamb was born just the night before . Unfortunately , it was locked up in the barn with the mama and out of sight . Well , when you become BFFs with the groundskeeper , nothing is off limits . Without a mention of it from us , he opened the gate and motioned us in . He swung open the barn door , and there they were . Just two feet in front of us . We talked to several families today about what they did after the tournament was cancelled . Every single family simply headed straight home . The main reason people had was that it was raining . Can 't do anything in the rain . Because with rain , there is so oftentimes a rainbow . In this case , a complete rainbow . We could see that rainbow from one end all the way to the other . This trip to St . Louis for the soccer tournament put my packing skills to the test . It was a trip in which we had to take two cars . ( The games were going to be at 5 different facilities all around St . Louis throughout the weekend , so we needed two cars . ) Hubby was going to arrive at the hotel with the five youngest kids at around 9 : 30pm Friday night , while I would arrive at 11 : 00 with Phoenix . The non - stop games were more than likely going to be played in a lot of rain . There was no free breakfast buffet at the restaurant , and no time to go to a restaurant for lunch . There was no fridge at the hotel . Clearly marked bag to leave in car holding a complete set of clothes , because we won 't know who will be with which vehicle when the rain hits . Bag with change of shoes for little boys , Hubby , and me . Plus newspaper to stuff in wet shoes to speed the dry time . Suitcase with two complete sets of clothes for little boys , Hubby , and me . One set for soccer kids . One pair of sweats for each person . Extra PJs and diapers for little boys to sleep in . Bathing suits for all to swim at the hotel . Rain gear consisting of every umbrella , poncho , raincoat in the house . Everything was packed perfectly in the van and car to maximize efficiency and decrease chaos / digging through the trunks / shifting during driving . At 4 : 30 on Friday afternoon , I met Hubby near the interstate . He got the loaded van , I got his car and Phoenix . The trip began . Her field was covered in water . A girl would kick the ball as hard as she could , yet it would only go a couple of feet , landing in a huge splash of water . Drowned rats is the best way to describe those girls . ( Unfortunately , Hubby didn 't think to take a photo . He was severely scolded for it . ) We had until 12 : 00 to get ourselves checked out of the hotel to avoid being charged for the second night . The entire hotel was filled with soccer families . We ALL had until 12 : 00 to get out of the hotel . So much for all of my careful packing . Both Buttercup 's and Star 's teams decided to go ahead and finish their games . They were already wet , might as well finish the only game they were to play that weekend . Hubby stayed with them . I tried racing back to the hotel with the youngest three kids . I was dictating to Giant , so he could text to folks that we needed to alert to the situation . In all of the commotion , I went right by our exit and went 15 minutes out of our way . God bless Turken . He is actually one of the two kids who loves order as much as me . He was checking under beds , in dressers and bathrooms without me even asking him to . Have you ever felt like the world is out to get you ? You 're simply minding your own business and people start making decisions and forming policies that really just make you mad ? When not just one , but a bunch of people seem to throw common courtesy and thoughfulness right out the window ? I am always the person that finds humor in just about any situation . I have found that there are few times that one can 't find something funny . And here I sit . I can 't even muster a giggle . I just want to lay on the couch and have a bit of a pity party for me . In my head , between all of the rants I want to scream at these people , I am telling myself all of the things I tell the kids . " You can 't control another person 's actions . All you can control is your reaction to them . " I won 't be writing anything new for a few days . Don 't think it 's because I 'm wallowing . I 'm most definitely not a wallower . It 's because in the next three days the four big kids will have no less than 13 soccer games . In a city four hours away from here . A city that has a 70 % chance of rain and storms both Saturday and Sunday . Good thing I love watching soccer games ! When we moved to this house , on this plot of land , I knew I would enjoy the fresh air . I knew I would enjoy being out by ourselves where only noises of nature ( and an occasional train ) can be heard . I knew I would enjoy the big , beautiful trees and the wide open areas for the kids to play . I am a woman who refuses to make solid plans in my life , but does whatever comes my way . As a result , I 've taught just about every grade , decorated cakes , owned a photography business , given birth to six children , and bought a 140 year old house that happened to come with a small farm . I am fortunate to have married a man who is responsible and sets goals so I don 't have to . You will often find me either driving our 12 - passenger van around town or disposing of the dead animals that frequently litter our property . |
The doctor found Buttercup 's heart was skipping . Not just once , but several times in a very short amount of time . " It is probably nothing , but we 'll get an EKG done to make sure . " The EKG picked up the irregular heartbeat . Troubling , as an EKG only measures about 30 seconds . More troubling is the fact that it was skipping in the lower half of her heart . Since , at the time , we didn 't think Buttercup had any other symptoms , she was cleared to play in her game over the weekend . We had some crying to do . Sitting on the side of the pool while her classmates swam and had a great time was not easy . Especially since only three people actually knew why she was sitting out . But we had time to laugh , in a twisted sort of way . Like when she and Star were getting into an argument . We heard her tell him , " Don 't you be getting my heart worked up . You 'd feel terrible if something happened ! " We had time to be normal . Luckily , we had already planned on taking Buttercup and two friends to a movie . It ended up being several hours at our house , a movie , dinner , and straight to the pool party . She was able to talk about things with her friends , joke around , and just be her 12 year old self for a while . We have one of the best children 's hospitals in the nation just a short drive away . Buttercup will be fine . Whatever is actually causing this skipping will be fixed . That doesn 't mean that we aren 't all scared . Anxious to get these tests done to see how good or bad the news will be . So we can stop crying and move on to the next step . So we don 't have to constantly be wondering if she 's doing too much . I just wanted to keep her home with me today , nice and safe on the couch . But I just couldn 't do it . All we would be doing is thinking through the what ifs all day long . Today will not be an easy day at school . Word will spread like wildfire , as all news does in a close - knit Catholic school . She 's going to hate all of the attention , pitiful looks , and discussions . Of course , she has gym class today , so that will alert everyone to the fact that she is not normal today . Which we all know is a horrible curse in middle school . The teachers and administrators are fantastic , though . They will be watching like a hawk , but in a way that the kids won 't see . And they will swoop in and get her out of any situation that overwhelms her . Two weeks ago , Buttercup got a new piano book full of songs from popular movies . On Saturday , as I was typing an e - mail to friends about the situation , Buttercup started playing a song she has been working on ever since she got the book , well before the discovery of the skipping . She didn 't realize what song it was unitl I started sobbing . Since the day he started wearing shoes at the age of 13 months , he has taken them off every time we get into the car . Every day . Every time . Socks too . If he 's in an extra naughty mood , those socks and shoes will be sent flying through the car . It is to the point that we don 't even bother bringing his shoes back into the house . We just put his shoes on when we get to wherever we are going . It isn 't a perfect strategy . One shoe was lost when a child was being dropped off somewhere . A veritable mountain of little socks accumulates in the van . And if he is going to play outside , we need to run out and get his shoes out of the van , as he only owns one pair of shoes at a time . Errand days are the worst . Hunt down the shoes in the van when we get to Stop 1 . Do the errand . Go to Stop 2 . Hunt down socks and shoes . Do the errand . Go to Stop 3 . Hunt down socks and shoes . . . Even if point A and point B are only 3 minutes apart , the shoes and socks come off . Today , I thought I had him . It was time to get him some new shoes . As we were heading into the store , we came to an understanding . He would get to keep his new shoes , only as long as he kept them on in the car . If he took them off , I would take the shoes , and he would have to wear the old ones . He was thrilled to find some shoes that had a football , soccer ball , and baseball on each of them . The size and price were right , so we bought them . ( He did not wear them home , as the security tag needed to be removed by the teller . ) When it was time to get the big kids from school , he raced to put on the new shoes . He was even more excited to find that the shoes lit up when he walked . Joy of joys . Although it was extremely difficult , I chose to ignore the kicking , believing that he would get tired of it and stop . OK , I couldn 't ignore it . I just kept pleading , " Please Baby Jesus , make this boy stop ! " I have totally gotten off track with this blog . I 'm supposed to be writing things down that I don 't want to forget about my kids . So today is a little journal for the children . Cuckoo has hit the extaordinary ornery stage . He finds it hilarious to do the exact opposite of what he should be doing . For example , I sent him in to the bathroom to wash his hands for lunch . Something he has done many , many times . He was taking a bit long , so I went to check on him . I found the brand - spankin ' new toilet paper unrolled all over the floor , the plunger in the toilet , and him acting like he 's trying to unclog it . Water absolutely everywhere . ( I of course took a photo of him grinning from ear to ear amidst his disaster , but I can 't find it anywhere . ) He is beginning to use his imagination to explain things that are going on around here . Yesterday , when I told him to bring his socks and shoes to me , he came back with two socks and one shoe . When I asked where the other one was , he replied , " I couldn 't find it . Christmas took it . " In his mind , anything that has to do with Christmas is called Christmas . What he meant to say was , " Santa Claus took it . " I have no idea why , in his mind , Santa would come and take his shoe . He has started biting his nails a bit . The other day , he tore one down to where it bled . He came running in to tell me of his boo - boo , so we put a Band - Aid on it . It must have been a VERY long time ago that he got his last Band - Aid . He could not have been more excited about it . Turken had his four year check - up yesterday . He is right on that 50th percentile line for height and weight . The perfect size to climb trees like the big kids . Poor kid has extremely dry skin . At his appointment , we found out that the things we thought were bug bites and excema patches were in fact a bunch of little infections in his pores . He now has to get an anti - bacterial lotion rubbed on , and Eucerin from head to toe twice a day . Let 's just say he 's not a fan . His soccer coach is one of the best coaches we have ever had . Each week he sends an e - mail with a run - down of the coming week . He doesn 't just say , " We 're going to be short a few players this week . " He says , " We 've got a hitch in our giddy - up . " In this email he also includes links of soccer videos for the kids to watch , usually about pros doing cool moves or great goals . Last week he sent one about a team that has elaborate , funny victory skits each time they score . You can see them here . In Saturday 's game , Giant scored , which is normal . Whenever he does , he grins , then heads back to the line for the restart of the game . However , this time , the little comedian came out , encouraged by the videos . Instead of the grin and line - up , he waited for everyone to settle down , and he Tebowed right there on the field . The kids and the folks on the sidelines cracked up . His coach was so proud that he mentioned it in the next week 's newsletter . As usual , Star played keeper ( goalie ) for the first half of the game . At one point , someone on the opposing team tried to score . It was a high ball , so Star went to jump for it . As soon as he was stretched as far as he could get himself , but before he jumped , a kid twice his size on the other team crashed right into him . Full body . Star went down , and the ball went in . It really should have been a foul on the kid , but the ref didn 't make the call . Parents on the sideline were going crazy , but Star simply brushed himself off and got ready for play to resume . He didn 't say one word to the ref . One minute before the end of the game , Star was playing offense . Someone crossed the ball to the middle , it bounced off of a defender a couple of feet in front of the goal , and Star kicked it in to score . Everyone was cheering and happy , for it put us in the lead . Until the ref called it back , saying Star was off - sides . Now the parents really went crazy . ( I could do a whole post on crazy soccer parents that make me crazy . ) I was so pleased to see that not one child on that field said a thing to the refs . ( Their coach for the day , who happened to be Giant 's coach , is the most positive person I 've ever seen on the field . Even he was irate and had a few words with the ref . ) The game ended in a tie , 1 - 1 . Afterwards , as the boys and parents were meeting up , Star had tears in his eyes . Two boys on the team were with him , trying to make him feel better . One looked at me and said , " Make sure he knows that none of what happened was his fault . He did exactly as he should have . " Sweet boys . I am so glad that he knows how to be a good sport . That even when he gets hurt , he can pick himself up , literally dust himself off , and move on . No arguing , no pouting , no drama . Baby girl is a party planner . She can 't just play . She must turn everything into an event . A show . A special occasion . Recently , she put together some fun for the boys . She had put up flags at either end of the field , and the strip that I had mowed made the side boundaries . She had those boys racing in every way possible . They ran backwards , they army crawled , they hopped on one foot , they crab - crawled . The favorite was running with their eyes closed . She 's gonna be a good mama someday . Phoenix broke out of his quiet little box and tried out for the middle school musical . Not play . Musical . I love our school 's music teacher . She can get just about every child in the building to sing a solo in front of his class . She has students begging to be the cantors at the weekly school mass . In short , she 's amazing . She chose the musical " School House Rock " for the kids to perform this year , and Phoenix landed a speaking role . Not a solo . ( As the teacher says , " The songs aren 't quite right for your voice . " Did I mention that I love her ? ) The kids put in hours and hours of work starting way back in February , and last week they performed in the high school auditorium . It was fun to hear all of those Saturday morning songs again . My foot was tapping the whole way through . And since Phoenix is one of the tallest kids in middle school , we never had trouble seeing him . He sang and danced his little heart out . When he wasn 't nervous as all get out . Looks like Buttercup got my " Surely I can do that craft without looking up intstructions " gene . And she didn 't learn from my failed egg craft with the boys , either . It makes me love her even more . Each year the sixth grade students complete a huge country project . The first deadline for it was today . The kids had to make a poster - size version of the flags of their countries . The assignment said it was to be creative . Anyone using markers , colored pencils , or crayons would get a zero and have to redo it . Since Buttercup is doing her project on Bermuda , she decided to make hers out of sand . I highly encouraged it . My independent little girl decided to do the flag with no help . For about 20 minutes . That 's when she came in very frustrated that it didn 't work . So I gave her a few tips . Wisdom I have gained in my many years of flung - together crafts . Little tips like , " At least cover the entire surface with glue . That would help . " Buttercup is crossing her fingers that her teacher doesn 't know 1 . ) That the part in the corner is supposed to be the flag of Great Britain and 2 . ) That she doesn 't know what that flag actually looks like . By the time she realized that two of the stripes were going the wrong way , the glue had dried . We didn 't have any more red sand , and it was 10 : 00 at night . So , she 's going with it . As for the crest , it 's supposed to be a red lion holding a shield with a sunken ship on it . But I didn 't need to tell you that . It 's obvious . If you squint your eyes and look really fast between the two pictures . Maybe ? But here we come to the part I didn 't think through . The messiest child in the world brought pounds of red sand into my kitchen and sprinkled , dumped and glued it . Lucky for her , the plumber came earlier in the day . He cut a bigger hole in the ceiling and unleashed over a hundred years of dirt , plaster , wood , and trash bags . Honestly , I have no idea why there were plastic grocery bags hidden in my kitchen ceiling . The whole redneck thing was surprise enough . ( And it 's getting worse . Anytime we pull in the driveway now , knowing that Cuckoo needs to go to the bathroom , I just pull his pants down right there in the grass and have him pee . We don 't even take the time to find a tree . ) When I was five years old or so , our family got our first puppy . It was the cutest bundle of fur you ever did see . His name was Zack . ( Every dog my dad has owned has been named Zack . It was supposed to be my name , but it just didn 't fit when I turned out to be a girl . ) Unfortunately , the puppy wasn 't as fond of us as we were of him . He bit three of us before my parents finally found a new home for him . I was the lucky one . He only put a gash in my hand . He also got my sister 's ear and my brother 's eyebrow . That experience made me nervous about dogs , but the dogs that lived across the street from us when we were growing up made me terrified . They were two vicious dogs that were tied up outside the garage . Anytime someone walked by the house , they would stretch their chains as far as they could and snarl , growl , and bark at the person . As a first grader , instead of going to the bus stop just on the other side of them , I chose to walk the almost mile to get to the next stop . A couple of times , these dogs got loose , and they tore across the street after us . My mom once fought them off with a broom while we scurried into the garage . Another time , my dad was coming home from his job as a policeman when the dogs got loose . He actually fired his gun to keep them from attacking . So with those two lovely first encounters with dogs , I was terrified for life . I would be able to handle myself at someone 's house if a dog was there , but if I met a strange dog on the street , I 'd lose it . Stand completely still , tears streaming down my face , praying the dog wouldn 't come near me . Awful . This actually happened only 8 years ago . When we bought this house , we decided that we had to have a dog . A big dog to keep coyotes at bay . We researched the types of dogs that would be good for us , but we didn 't know that our circumstances would change . We didn 't know that we would be embracing this farm life and need a dog to protect the animals . We simply looked for a dog that would be good to our kids and all the visitors to our home . We found Roy through the Humane Society . He was found walking along the river and was living at a foster home . He was an outside dog and very friendly . The foster owner had only good things to say about him . So , we got the dog . I was scared to death , but we did it anyway . For the kids . And this morning I tackled that 95 pound dog . Perfect shoulder to the midsection tackle . Got him in a headlock . And held him for a minute or so . All on my own . As Hubby and the farmer were unloading the pigs , a terrible squeeling racket was made . I ws just arriving on the scene , camera in hand , to get some pictures of the new additions to the farm . Roy was barking his full head off . He seems to be getting bolder in his old age , because out of nowhere he took off and ran into the barn . I followed , saw him getting right up into the pig 's face , barking and snarling . I didn 't wait to see what he would do next . I dashed around Hubby , who had a squeeler in his grasp , hurdled the two scared pigs already in the barn , and took that dog out . And I did it with a camera wrapped around my neck . Saved the day , if not my knees . Looks like I am no longer afraid of dogs . Who knew ? After it was all over , I was totally kicking myself for not handing the camera off to one of the kids before I jumped into the fracas . It would have been an awesome picture . When Hubby recounted the incident , he said that all he saw was a blur , followed by another , taller blur . The next thing he knew , he had to save the dog from my death - grip . Roy is safely tied up , and has been howling most of the time . While I was out feeding and watering the pigs , I let Roy off his leash to see what he 'd do . He was digging and searching for any possible opening into that pen . Even tried to pull a little tree out of the ground . Basically , we have got ourselves a situation . For now , he 's tied up again . And he 'll have to stay that way unless we are outside with him . We need to make sure that pen is sealed up tight . Then he 'll be getting a shave and a new shock collar , which should solve everything . ( Cross your fingers . We don 't have a Plan B . ) Yikes . Anyone seen Charlotte 's Web recently ? We have . This looks way too much like Wilbur breaking into song . We won 't be naming these hogs like we did the first year we raised hogs . They were named Pork Chop , Applesauce , and Leftovers . We wanted to make sure the kids knew that these pigs were going to eventually be eaten . It worked , except for Giant thinking that applesauce came from a pig . ( That 's when I realized that the kids have never seen The Brady Bunch . A shame , really . ) For a few weeks now , one little boy has been on my mind quite a bit . I don 't know why . Nothing has happened that I know of to make me wonder . But there he is . In my thoughts and prayers . Almost 20 years ago , when I was student teaching in a third grade classroom , I worked with a troubled little boy . At the age of eight , he already had a reputation . No kids wanted to play with him . No teacher wanted him in her class . He had spent all but a handful of recesses in the principal 's office . I am the first to admit , he was beyond a handful . Within the first week , he was into all sorts of trouble . Spitting on kids , yelling at adults , throwing things across the room , refusing to do any work . It was a bad situation . So I made a new rule . Anytime he left the room , he had to hold my hand . At first , he fought it , and he fought it hard . Crying , pulling away , refusing to do it . I would just hold his wrist and walk with him . I 'd talk to him and ask questions , whether he responded or not . ( I 'm guessing that these days , I wouldn 't have been allowed to do such a thing . ) Something drastic happened . I saw it , but I wasn 't sure others did until another third grader came to me and asked what had happened to this little boy . She said that he doesn 't hit or spit anymore , that he is actually fun on the playground , and he is a nice boy . I almost cried when she said this . I certainly let him know that people were liking the change . Parent - teacher conference time came around . Just before his conference , I found out that the male teacher in the building was going to be sitting in the hall outside of our room , listening in case we needed help . I found out that this boy 's mom had a boyfriend , which the little boy called " Dad " . A boyfriend that beat her , had spent time in jail , and had been known to be quite aggressive and intimidating at past conferences . Not ideal , but I wasn 't worried . For the first time in this boy 's life , his teachers were going to be singing his praises . Not only was he doing his work , but he was taking pride in doing it well . As I expected , his mom was thrilled , and the boyfriend behaved himself . After the fourth attack on a child , I pulled him into an empty room and asked him what was going on . After a minute of telling me , " Nothing , " he broke down into horrible sobs . He couldn 't talk for a good long time . He just cried and cried . All I could do was hug him and clean the snot of his face . Finally he managed to tell me . His dad was missing . Something about a fight , police and the hospital were involved . I found out later that his mom 's boyfriend wasn 't missing , but was in jail . It physically hurt to have to leave that little boy . I knew that once I left , things were going to go downhill . The teacher I worked with , while being a good person , just didn 't see that he needed love and positive attention , not structure . I came back to visit the kids several times . The last time I was there , this boy had been moved to the classroom with the male teacher . He was back to his old ways . I wonder what has become of him . I still wonder if there is any way I could have done more . I wonder why in the world I was put there to help him , when I was just going to be leaving after three months . I became just another person to abandon him and let him down . But I never forgot him , and I never forgot what I learned from him . And I applied it to all other children that I taught over the years . In every classroom , there is at least one child that needs something different . Something outside of the box . I did my best to help those kids . But then I started my own family and gave up my ( paid ) teaching career . And I 'll never go back . Not because I didn 't love my job , but because I could never be a good mom and a good teacher at the same time . I know my limits . Watching my children grow makes me so very sad . As I write this , I am listening to Turken and Cuckoo chatting in their beds . Quietly , until someone gets excited and blurts out , " THAT ' S how you count " or some other such declaration . There is no sound in this world that I love more than the squeaky , high - pitched talk of a toddler . I 'm not going to spend much time in my kids ' school . They have fabulous teachers and very involved parents . No , I 'm going to get into those rooms that really need help . With fabulous teachers that have little boys and girls with needs that can 't be written into an IEP , but not enough time or resources to help them all . Two days ago , when I actually started writing this post , Buttercup told me that she got Bermuda for her country report . I can 't tell you how excited I am that she will be writing about the place where Hubby and I spent our first year of marriage . I immediately started digging in our " Really Old Photos That I Will Organize Some Day in the Far Distant Future , " and one of the first pictures that got pulled out was this one : That 's him there in the middle . Reading with a classmate . Happy and friendly and engaged . I didn 't even know I had this picture . And I teared up when I saw it . Like the summer I worked for the Ohio Department of Transportation . My job for the entire summer was to pound rust off of the plows and trucks to prepare them for painting . I loved that job ! Oh , the joy of finding a large , deep area of rust to destroy with a hammer . When I was 15 I worked at our insurance agent 's office . At first my job was to put all of the info from the files into the brand new computer system . That was a huge deal ! No one had computers in their houses , and I got to use one every day I worked . I managed a quick , " I 'm so sorry ! " before I slammed the phone down . ( Remember when you could slam a phone ? Pushing an off button just doesn 't have the same effect . ) Early in the morning , she would go out and set up nets . She then sat and waited until a bird got caught in the trap . They weren 't catching birds in lovely , park - like settings . He worked in a meat - packing plant . And oh did he stink at the end of his shift . I had to pick him up from work a couple of times , and my car was never the same , despite having the windows rolled down the entire drive . Cuckoo is a stubbornly picky eater . So when he asked for more lasagna , we braced ourselves . He hadn 't had a nap today , so a meltdown when we told him he had to eat his salad first was inevitable . Cuckoo had a hard time picking it up with his fork . Now he 'll give it up , right ? Nope . He asked Buttercup to help him . Babies are born knowing very few things . How to breathe , how to eat , how to cry , how to spit up . If we 're lucky , how to sleep . And deciding how to teach these things can be just as rough . Some things need to be laid right out there , step by step , like how to plant seeds in the garden . Some things are better learned through trial and error , like how to make a block tower taller and steadier . Some things could use a combination of the two , like how to swim the backstroke . I 'm constantly getting blindsided by things that we haven 't taught the children yet . It all can get quite overwhelming . I just have to remind myself that it is not my job to teach them absolutely everything they need to know before they leave my house . Gotta check my ego at the door . Do they know how to play tennis ? Most certainly not . Are we all frustrated that no one can actually get the ball over the net and into play ? Not anymore . We all learned that playing tennis is a skill that is learned . And a skill that needs practice . Lots and lots of practice . Never before in our lives have we found ourselves in a city far from home with absolutely no reason to be there . A wide - open , rainy day with no plan whatsoever . Basically , a day we have always dreamed of . A day to drive home , but stop whenever the fancy strikes . Since we pulled out of the hotel parking lot at 11 : 59 , the first thing to do was get some grub . We are not fast - food people , so we drove east on I - 70 until we found something . Let me just say that there isn 't alot of food that isn 't fast off of I - 70 . It was a little mom and pop place , where actual foot - high pies greet you at the door . Where the decor looks just like it did on opening day many a year ago . A place that doesn 't take credit or debit cards . A place that serves homemade meatloaf , chicken and dumplings , and fried walleye . We feasted on it all , with a whole lemon meringue pie for dessert . In Vandalia we found the state 's oldest state capitol building . It is where Abe Lincoln got his start in politics . Where spitoons graced every corner . Where original Ben Franklin stoves kept the rooms warm . A nice , quick stop right off of the freeway . After our token photo , we clamored back into the vehicles for the next leg of the journey . Then we went out to see the grounds . There were actually two working farms . On one side , Lincoln 's father 's farm , where his goal was to simply sustain his family . On the other , a neighbor 's farm , where his goal was to make as much money as he could . Normally , there are interpreters all over the farms pretending it is the year 1854 . They are working the fields , tending the animals , cooking , making candles , and all else people of the time would do . We wandered around the barn , chatted with the sheep that were in there , and were exploring around the outside of Lincoln 's house when the groundskeeper of the park showed up . He unlocked the house and gave us a mini tour . He pulled things off of the shelves to show us , let the kids climb up to the loft , hold and work some of the tools , and basically do everything we wouldn 't have been allowed to do if the interepreters were there . As we left the house , the heaven 's opened up and the rain came down . It poured . Cats and dogs . We raced to the barn , but could go no further without getting soaked . Sure , there should be dry clothes in the van . But after that willy - nilly , hasty packing , I had no idea where they were or what we could dig out . So , Hubby took one for the team and ran out to get all of the umbrellas . Once again , our guide unlocked the house and let us loose in it . It was a bigger , richer house , with many more rooms and a few amenities , like a much nicer chamber pot . ( Thankfully no one took the opportunity to try that ! ) In the yard , the kids found a little frog . Phoenix , the expert frog catcher , caught it for Turken to hold . And then , the best part . The visitor 's center lady had told us that a lamb was born just the night before . Unfortunately , it was locked up in the barn with the mama and out of sight . Well , when you become BFFs with the groundskeeper , nothing is off limits . Without a mention of it from us , he opened the gate and motioned us in . He swung open the barn door , and there they were . Just two feet in front of us . We talked to several families today about what they did after the tournament was cancelled . Every single family simply headed straight home . The main reason people had was that it was raining . Can 't do anything in the rain . Because with rain , there is so oftentimes a rainbow . In this case , a complete rainbow . We could see that rainbow from one end all the way to the other . This trip to St . Louis for the soccer tournament put my packing skills to the test . It was a trip in which we had to take two cars . ( The games were going to be at 5 different facilities all around St . Louis throughout the weekend , so we needed two cars . ) Hubby was going to arrive at the hotel with the five youngest kids at around 9 : 30pm Friday night , while I would arrive at 11 : 00 with Phoenix . The non - stop games were more than likely going to be played in a lot of rain . There was no free breakfast buffet at the restaurant , and no time to go to a restaurant for lunch . There was no fridge at the hotel . Clearly marked bag to leave in car holding a complete set of clothes , because we won 't know who will be with which vehicle when the rain hits . Bag with change of shoes for little boys , Hubby , and me . Plus newspaper to stuff in wet shoes to speed the dry time . Suitcase with two complete sets of clothes for little boys , Hubby , and me . One set for soccer kids . One pair of sweats for each person . Extra PJs and diapers for little boys to sleep in . Bathing suits for all to swim at the hotel . Rain gear consisting of every umbrella , poncho , raincoat in the house . Everything was packed perfectly in the van and car to maximize efficiency and decrease chaos / digging through the trunks / shifting during driving . At 4 : 30 on Friday afternoon , I met Hubby near the interstate . He got the loaded van , I got his car and Phoenix . The trip began . Her field was covered in water . A girl would kick the ball as hard as she could , yet it would only go a couple of feet , landing in a huge splash of water . Drowned rats is the best way to describe those girls . ( Unfortunately , Hubby didn 't think to take a photo . He was severely scolded for it . ) We had until 12 : 00 to get ourselves checked out of the hotel to avoid being charged for the second night . The entire hotel was filled with soccer families . We ALL had until 12 : 00 to get out of the hotel . So much for all of my careful packing . Both Buttercup 's and Star 's teams decided to go ahead and finish their games . They were already wet , might as well finish the only game they were to play that weekend . Hubby stayed with them . I tried racing back to the hotel with the youngest three kids . I was dictating to Giant , so he could text to folks that we needed to alert to the situation . In all of the commotion , I went right by our exit and went 15 minutes out of our way . God bless Turken . He is actually one of the two kids who loves order as much as me . He was checking under beds , in dressers and bathrooms without me even asking him to . Have you ever felt like the world is out to get you ? You 're simply minding your own business and people start making decisions and forming policies that really just make you mad ? When not just one , but a bunch of people seem to throw common courtesy and thoughfulness right out the window ? I am always the person that finds humor in just about any situation . I have found that there are few times that one can 't find something funny . And here I sit . I can 't even muster a giggle . I just want to lay on the couch and have a bit of a pity party for me . In my head , between all of the rants I want to scream at these people , I am telling myself all of the things I tell the kids . " You can 't control another person 's actions . All you can control is your reaction to them . " I won 't be writing anything new for a few days . Don 't think it 's because I 'm wallowing . I 'm most definitely not a wallower . It 's because in the next three days the four big kids will have no less than 13 soccer games . In a city four hours away from here . A city that has a 70 % chance of rain and storms both Saturday and Sunday . Good thing I love watching soccer games ! When we moved to this house , on this plot of land , I knew I would enjoy the fresh air . I knew I would enjoy being out by ourselves where only noises of nature ( and an occasional train ) can be heard . I knew I would enjoy the big , beautiful trees and the wide open areas for the kids to play . I am a woman who refuses to make solid plans in my life , but does whatever comes my way . As a result , I 've taught just about every grade , decorated cakes , owned a photography business , given birth to six children , and bought a 140 year old house that happened to come with a small farm . I am fortunate to have married a man who is responsible and sets goals so I don 't have to . You will often find me either driving our 12 - passenger van around town or disposing of the dead animals that frequently litter our property . |
We had a very busy weekend . Friday afternoon Mom , the kids , and I went to some friends ' house for a visit and we ended up having lunch there . It was a nice visit and I was glad to have some time to catch up with her . She has a beautiful home and I hope to be able to spend more time with her soon . Friday night we had big plans to go out to dinner and then ride Trax to Temple Square and look at the lights . However , when we got to the restaurant S and M were both not feeling good . They didn 't even order anything . They were crying and laying all over DH . So , we decided to go to Temple Square another night . Plus it was a freezing 23 degrees without taking the wind factor into consideration . When we got home the kids were sleepy and DH started not feeling well . He ended up being sick from both ends . I guess it was a good thing we went home . I spent Saturday making things . I made some gifts for friends . I took some wooden blocks and painted them black . Then , I had letters to spell out their last name and painted those cream . I then glued the letters onto the blocks . It 's kind of hard to explain but they turned out really cute . I also put together our neighbor / friend gifts . This year I made white chocolate popcorn and put it in a cute Christmas cellophane bag . I think we delivered almost 30 bags . It took us a few hours and at 8 : 30 p . m . we still hadn 't had any dinner . So , I took the kids to the store and they each chose a can of soup and we headed home for a lovely dinner of grilled cheese sandwiches and soup ! We had a relaxing Sunday . DH and Dad both stayed home , sick . No fun . Church was nice . I had to teach the Sunbeams . I think I sub in primary at least once a month . Oh well , I don 't mind . T had a talk , and J had the scripture so I needed to be in there anyways . Afterwards we played games and made our Christmas menu ! When the little ones were tucked away in bed we watched the Amazing Race . I love that show ! I 'm glad the pink goths didn 't get out . I really like them . Now it 's Monday morning . I got up and showered with the utmommy So , I 've come to the conclusion that in my life bad things seem to come in 3 's . 1 . Last night as we were eating dinner my mom got a phone call from my youngest sister who was in a panic . She let us know that she had just gotten in a car accident . She was fine , but the car was totaled . She sounded scared . We were all relieved to hear that she was okay . 2 . About an hour or an hour and a half later my other sister Andrea started complaining of really bad pain in her stomach . When she had first gotten to my house she said she wasn 't feeling well , but it seemed to hit her hard , and she really didn 't feel good . My mom and I took her to the ER and it was a good thing . She ended up having to have her appendix out . She was nervous and scared . She 's never had any major thing happen . Luckily the surgery went well and now she just needs to recover . She should be coming home tomorrow . 3 . After getting home around 3 : 15 a . m . and finally falling asleep , I thought all was well and on the mends . I was wrong . As we were getting ready for church S was complaining about a rash . I didn 't really think much of it . Then when it was time to go , he was really complaining . He started taking off his clothes and he had a rash everywhere . It was bad . On Friday and Saturday he had been sick off and on with a sore throat and a fever . Now , this morning it was worse . So , DH took him to an urgent care center and he got diagnosed with strep throat and scarlet fever . He got a shot and will hopefully be better soon . So , there are my 3 things . Hopefully nothing else will happen and we can enjoy the rest of the holidays ! I 'm SO sad . My computer is not working and the only way I am even able to post right now is because our good friends left one of their laptops with us to use for a little while , probably they 'll want it back soon though . I don 't know what 's wrong . I 'm a computer idiot . All I know is that my pictures are on there and I want them . The computer turns on but nothing shows up on the screen . And one of the most irritating things is that for about a week I kept telling myself to back up my pictures . But , I didn 't do it and now I fear it 's too late . This is not a good time to need a new computer . But , I need one . I use the computer EVERY DAY . I do my banking online , pay bills , blog , surf the net , blog , check my email , shop , and did I mention blog ? So , I may be gone for a while : ( I 'll post when I can . Here 's my hubby hanging our Christmas lights . We of course picked a day that was freezing to hang the lights . But , we did it while the kids were at school so we didn 't have too many distractions . Now our house is all Christmasy . Lights are up , tree is up , stockings are hung , candles are burning , stories are being read , the spirit of Christmas is upon us ! Last night I told T how I thought he was so responsible for doing what he did , and that I thought he handled things well . His response was this : " Mom , when I got dropped off and you weren 't there , I said a little prayer , and then I knew I should walk to Aprils ' . " So , that made me want to bawl . I 'm so thankful that Heavenly Father was watching out for us and that T was inspired to do what he did . Posted by So , today T went to go play at a friends ' house . While he was there , the other 3 kids were off at other places and I was visiting a friend . I left my friends ' house to go pick J up from a birthday party . When I got back in the car , I noticed that I had missed a call from my friend April , which is where M was playing . I figured she was calling to ask me to come get M or something of the sort . But , what she really wanted was to tell me that T was at her house . When I asked why , she said that he had gotten dropped off at home and since I wasn 't there he decided to walk to her house . While I am SO glad that he did that and had enough sense to do that , I am very ticked that he was just dropped off . Who just drops off a little kid without making sure that they are okay , that a parent is home ? Why would you just leave ? What if something would 've happened ? I didn 't even know they were going to drop him off , otherwise I would 've been home . I am not happy with this AT . ALL . I ALWAYS wait when I 'm dropping someone off . You just never know what could happen . I guess I expected the same . So , from now on if T wants to play with that particular friend they are going to have to play at our house . I can 't risk something like that happening again . What if I wasn 't home and he walked to Aprils ' and she wasn 't home ? Then what ? My sister Em came to Santa Monica with us . It was nice to spend some time with her even though it was short . She was very nice to be around and I hope she had as good a time as we did . My other sister also lives in Cali . , but sadly I wasn 't able to see her . She lives a few hours away from where we were staying . I know she was upset by this and so was I , but with the short time we were there and all that was going on there wasn 't enough time . That is the problem with having both sides of family living close to each other . It 's hard to split your time and make everyone happy . I wish we would 've been able to stay longer so that we could then go down to my sisters ' and stay with her for a few days . I hope she knows how sorry I am . Hopefully next summer we will be able to go visit her and spend some time there ! We went to the Santa Monica pier our first day we were in California . The kids enjoyed looking down at the water , but they would have preferred to be in the water . It was a bit too chilly for that , but I think they had fun regardless . I would 've loved to go in the water too . I love the beach ! It 's one of the things I miss the most about California . DH and I went to this same spot for our first anniversary , so it was fun to go back 10 years and 4 kids later . Of course we had to take tons of family pictures . Each family had their individual picture taken , we had big group shots , grandkids , girls , boys , you name it , we did it ! ! Isn 't that what you 're supposed to do when you get with family ? ! Afterwards we went to the Bear Pit for lunch / dinner . It was yummy food . It 's a family favorite and I 've always heard a ton about it , so it was fun to actually get to go . Then , we got to hit the lovely L . A . traffic to head home in . It is crazy how much traffic there is there . I 'm glad I don 't have to drive in that mess every day . It was a great day for all ! ~ I have a quick second to do a small post . We arrived in Cali . safely and made good time , only 8 1 / 2 hours ! ! ~ We 've had fun spending time with family . ~ We went to Santa Monica pier and hung out there for a while . Then we went out to lunch at the Bear Pit . ~ Thanksgiving dinner was YUMMY ! ~ Today we 've been hanging out around the house , riding the quads , eating , and are about to go play some basketball ! In all the craziness of trying to get packed I failed to mention my dads ' birthday . Happy Birthday Dad ! My sister wrote the perfect post , so go there because I share the EXACT same thoughts and feelings as her , except for the fact that I 'm the favorite , not her ! So , we 're headed for Cali . in about half an hour . We 're all packed , the house is clean , we 're ready to go . HAPPY THANKSGIVING ! ! ! J really needed to get her hair trimmed , so I asked my SIL if she would do it . When I told J what we were doing she was so excited and asked if she was going to get short hair like her sister . That wasn 't my plan , but she really wanted to have it cut . I think she probably had about 10 inches cut off . She was thrilled and I think the cut looks so cute on her ! ~ Nacho died on Saturday . It was a sad day for T and I felt very bad for him . He really loved that chicken and took good care of her . He buried her in the back yard and made a little grave marker . ~ DH took on a second job . He is stocking shelves 3 nights a week . I feel bad for him ; the hours suck , he doesn 't want to be doing it , I miss him , his feet hurt etc . I wish he didn 't have to do it , but right now he does . I 'm so glad that I have such a wonderful husband who is willing to sacrifice in order to provide for our family . Hopefully this isn 't something he 'll have to do for very long . ~ I 'm slowly getting Christmas shopping done . I try to be done by Thanksgiving , but I doubt that 'll happen this year . If I can at least be done by the first week of December , then I 'll be good . ~ I 'm finally losing weight ! ! ! I 'm so excited . This has been a struggle for me for quite a while . I lost weight , then had to have a hysterectomy and gained it all back . Ever since then it 's been a battle . Now , something in my body finally clicked and I 'm losing , FINALLY ! I 've lost 35 lbs . and 2 pant sizes ! ! Only 25 lbs . to go ! ~ S started Little Hooopsters . It 's a program for 1st and 2nd graders to prepare them for basketball . He likes going , but I 'm not sure if it 's because he 's learning the sport , or if it 's because he gets to be with his friends . ~ T is doing Basketball camp right now , and loves it . He is my little athlete . He 's really improved in the last little while , and I hope he enjoys this season . ~ The girls are busy with dance , and loving every minute of it . ~ Yesterday I met up with 2 friends that I went to high school with . We had lunch and enjoyed catching up on each others ' lives . It was great to see them again , and I hope that we 'll get together more often since we don 't live that far from each other ! ~ We 've been reading our scriptures really well lately . We 've kind of sucked at it in the past . But , now the kids are very interested and love taking their turn at reading . We usually read about 1 page a day , which I know isn 't muchPosted by The other day I got in the car to take S somewhere and I had to run back into the house to get my purse . He asked me why I needed it and I told him it was because I had my driver license in there and that I couldn 't drive without it . He replied with , " OH , so if you don 't have it with you then , you don 't remember how to drive ? " It was so cute ! I sure love that kid ! Posted by My good blogging friend , Busy Bee Lauren sent me some good mail . I was so excited to see this envelope in my mail box . However , when I turned it over to open I noticed someone had already opened part of it for me . Then , I read the card . She told me she knew how much I love Edward Cullen so she sent me a magnet . Well , guess what ? The magnet was gone . How Rude ! Someone stole my Edward . I was glad that I at least got the card and that someone was thinking of me . Thanks Lauren , and boo to whoever stole my magnet . Posted by A few weeks ago I got to go see my friend give birth . I 've never been to one besides my own , and have always wanted to . This was her fifth . She had her fourth and fifth at home . When she found out she was pregnant we talked a lot about her home delivery . She told me that if I wanted to , I could come when Simon was born . I was so excited and went home to tell DH . He said that was cool but she probably wouldn 't remember when she was in the middle of labor . So , I told myself that could very well be the case and I might not actually get to go . But , I did ! I got a call at 4 : 30 a . m . and was told that she was at an eight and that if I wanted to I could come over . I hopped right up , changed , threw my hair in a pony tail , brushed my teeth and I was off . I was so excited . I was there for about 2 hours before the baby was born . She had a tough time because the baby was posterior . I felt so bad for her . Having gone through childbirth myself without pain medicine , I knew exactly what she was feeling and had such empathy for her . But , she did a great job and it was such a miracle to see this sweet baby boy come into the world . She was eight days past her due date , so he came out big at 9lbs . 15oz . and 21 inches long . Such a big boy ! ! I woke her boys ( 9 and 7 ) up as the baby was coming because they wanted to be in the room as well . Then , shortly after the girls ( 5 and 3 ) came into the room . They were excited to see their new baby . The girls were a little hesitant . The boys cut the cord and helped with Simon after he was born . I got to hold him just minutes after he was born ! There is just something about babies coming into this world . No matter how you look at it , it is a miracle . He is a precious little boy and I am so glad that I was able to share this wonderful experience with their family . Posted by 770 - That is the number of minutes that I talked to my sister last month . That is almost 13 hours ! ! DH asks what we talk about for so long all the time . The answer is everything and anything . We talk about what we did last weekend , or our plans for the next few days . I know when her kids have doctor appointments or school functions . I want to know everything about her life , and I love it ! When the kids got home from school , they had a snack and then we fixed costumes so we could head out for some trick - or - treating . We met up with some friends for the fun ! After trick - or - treating we headed to the church for dinner and the ward trunk - or - treat . Dinner was a soups and rolls . Simple , but delicious . Some of the boys decided to go play soccer on the stage ( behind the curtains ) during dinner . T came and found me and told me that he had broken one of the stage lights . So , we had to go tell the bishop and then we had to get a broom and clean up all the broken glass . I was very proud of him for telling the truth when it would 've been very easy to just leave the mess . I feel bad for him though because all the other boys fled , so it looked like T was the only one misbehaving . But we got the mess clean and enjoyed the rest of the evening ! ! There were 3 wards in the parking lot for trunk - or - treat , it was packed . The kids got tons of candy . When we were leaving T told us that his bag was so heavy and that he wanted to weigh it . He put it on the scale and it weighed 5 pounds . That 's a lot of candy , especially when you times that by 4 . We are going to have candy forever . When trunk - or - treat was finished we headed to Grandmas ' for a little party . We played Halloween Bingo , musical chairs , and decorated pumpkin cookies . The kids had a blast ! ! During musical chairs it got down to only DH and S . They were running around the chairs , and S had the biggest smile on his face . He wanted to win so badly . Then , the music ( singing ) stopped and he was the closest to the chair , so he jumped up to sit on it , and DH pulled the chair right out from underneath him . He started crying , DH was laughing . What a mean dad . S really wanted to win . DH apologized and then they played several more times with S always winning . The next day the two of them were playing around and my sweet husband said to his son ( in a playful tone , of course ) " Do you want me to hurt you ? " S just looked at him and said back , " You hurt me enough yesterday . " This mutmommy My internet hasn 't been working great so I am just barely able to post some Halloween pictures . We had a very packed Halloween day . S had a program at school that we went to . They sang a lot of cute songs . S loves to sing , and he 's pretty good at it . Six little ghosts that I once knew , spooky ones cooky ones and shy ones too . But the one little had a special job to do , he led the others with a Boo Boo Boo . Boo Boo Boo down to the haunted house they flew , in and out round - a - bout through and through . But the one little ghost had a special job to do , he led the others with a Boo Boo Boo ! He led the others with a Boo Boo Boo ! After the program there was the school Halloween parade . They paraded through the halls , in the gym and cafeteria , and around the outside of the school . This something the kids really enjoy doing . Posted by For my MILs ' birthday she wanted to have a girls ' weekend . Her mom , sister , and some nieces came from Idaho , and a daughter came from Colorado . It was fun for the girls to spend time together . Friday night we went out to dinner to Applebee 's , which was so YUMMY ! ! Then we headed to Gardner Village for Witchapalooza ! The whole place was decorated with witches and most people there were dressed up as well . We walked around and looked through the fun shops , got candy apples , and took lots of pictures . We had a great time , and plan on making this a yearly tradition ! Next year I hope to be able to go a little earlier to enjoy more of the festivites ! After that we headed back to my MILs ' for a slumber party . We stuffed ourselves with delicious snacks , played games , and stayed up late talking . I thought for sure Grandma would be exhausted and fall asleep , but she stayed awake with the rest of us , and was the first one up in the morning . Saturday we slept in ! ! After everyone was up and dressed we had a yummy soup brunch . Then of us went shopping . I had to go home for a little so T and DH could go to the BYU football game . When the game was over , the girls got back together for more fun ! It was great being able to spend time with family and bond . I will look forward to next year with much anticipation ! DH has been complaining about his ear . He feels like there is something in there . So , when I was at the health food store I bought some ear candles . I 've heard these are great for getting wax out of ears and thought that might be what was bothering DH . We did it last night . It was kind of weird and kind of gross . It definitly cleaned out his ears , but unfortunately didn 't help the problem . It was worth a try though . I still had these pictures on my camera , and it made me realize that I am so not ready for winter . I LOVE the summer . I love shorts and swimming suits . Pools and reservoirs . Popsicles and ice cream . Sunscreen and picnics . Root beer floats on the porch steps , movie nights in the front yard with neighbors , walks , softball games , I LOVE summer . These were taken at the reservoir by our house . We went there for FHE with some friends one evening . It was so much fun . That water is probably freezing now . You just can 't do as much in the winter as you can in the summer . I love this picture . S really is a sweet guy when he wants to be . I love when he takes the roll of big brother and wants to help J . It is so sweet . They held hands and walked up those steps and down to the water together . Aren 't they some of the cutest kids ever ? DH went to the BYU football game today with his cousin Stephanie . T was lucky to get to go along too ! He was soo excited to go . Stephanie said that he smiled the entire time . The weather was freezing and I thought for sure they would leave the game early , but they stuck it out for the entire game . And , BYU won , so it was all worth it ! ! GO COUGARS ! ! Fifty years ago today my dad came to the United States from France . He was very excited for this day and even went out to dinner to celebrate . I wish I could 've been there to celebrate with him ! My dad is an amazing man and a constant example to me . Love you Pops ! ! For a long time I have really been struggling with our scouting program . We haven 't had great pack nights , weekly meetings , or anything for that matter . But , recently things have been much better . We got some new leaders who seem motivated to make scouts a positive experience for these boys . I was having kind of a crazy day the other night ; I was tired , the kids were cranky , DH was gone . I got the three younger ones all bathed and T was changed for scouts . I thought I was doing good , until I pulled into the parking lot and realized that it was pack night . So , we stayed , kids in jammies and all . I was actually glad we stayed because it ended up being a lot of fun . T 's den sang a song about trains and the bear den did a skit . Then , we built train cars . It was interesting to see each persons take on their train car . Some kids used paint , others markers , one kid wrapped his in string ( it was a ghost car ) , the girls put a feather boa on theirs . They all had a great time . Then , once all the cars were done they lined up and had races . The night was finished off with cookies ! I was glad that it was pack night and that it turned out to be so nice . It made my evening much better , and the kids behavior was much better too . T loves scouts and I 'm so glad that things are getting better with the program . You 're Bella Swan - You are intelligent and kind but not quite sure what you want out of life yet . You have a feeling there 's something more out there for you . You 're attracted to those who are real and avoid the fake . Sometimes you 're a bit accident prone , but your true friends will always be loyal to you and come to your aid when you need it . Take this quiz ! QuizillaJoinMake A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code My cute sister and darling neice invited me to go out to dinner with them . We went to Azuka 's and had sushi . It was yummy food , but even better company . We all got different sushi rolls and shared . My favorite was the U . S . roll and the spicy crab . Yummy ! I haven 't seen Dani for a long time and it was great to spend time with her and Andrea . I was so excited that they asked me to go with them . It was nice with just the three of us . I 'm glad to have some family living close to me . There is comfort in family and I 'm grateful for them . Posted by The boys both played soccer this year . T loved it , and S thought it was just okay . It 's funny to see the difference of the two playing . Watching S play reminded me of when T was that age . They want to play , but after a few minutes they get tired , or bored , or distracted . Sometimes you see boys climbing the goal , wrestling , walking , or sitting . They don 't mind if it 's their turn to sit , and the best part of the game is when it 's over and they get their treat . This was how the season went for S . T had a very different season . He has really improved since he started playing and even since last year . He is much more aggressive in his playing . There was no walking or sitting on the field . Instead we saw good defense and lots of goals . Boys who didn 't want to sit out , but did because they were good sports . T was on the Volcanoes and they went undefeated ! ! It was much more enjoyable to watch them actually play and to see how they 've improved through the years . At the soccer recognition night they got t - shirts and had their picture taken for the newspaper . It was very fun to see how excited they were . Some of these boys have been playing on the same team for several years and they have all improved together ! It was a great year ! Go Volcanoes ! ! Hannah Marie was born at the end of August and we are so happy to have her in our family . Her parents had been trying to get her here for a long time . It was hard to watch them as they struggled to become pregnant . They both really wanted a baby so much . They tried different medications , shots , invitro fertilization , but nothing seemed to work . They discussed adoption . It was a very stressful and discouraging time for them and our hearts went out to them . They finally decided that they needed to just relax and try not to think about it too much . Not too long after that they found out they were pregnant ! And it happened all on its own . No drugs , no help , nothing ! They were thrilled , and so were we . Hannah Marie came into the world a happy and healthy little girl . She is darling and her parents are thrilled to finally have her here . I know they will make good parents and can tell that they love her with all their hearts ! I 'm so glad that we were able to make it to the blessing . Her dad gave her a beautiful blessing and the spirit was so strong during the meeting . She was a perfect angel the entire time . These little babies that Heavenly Father puts in our care are so precious and dear . I thank him every day for the children he has given me , and I 'm sure Hannahs ' parents do the same . I am a SAHM to 2 beautiful girls and 2 handsome boys , wife of an amazing man , daughter , sister , aunt , and friend . I love scrapbooking , dancing , reading , and trying new things . I feel so blessed to have the life I have . |
4 . Christian wanted to stand on our cat Zeke 's paw . I told him no , he would hurt the cat very badly , but he kept chasing him around the house and when Zeke would stop , he would make a move to stand on his paw . Nothing I said would make him stop , so I put my foot on his with enough pressure to make him uncomfortable . He didn 't like it and I told him that Zeke wouldn 't like it either . Zeke is not being chased anymore 5 . Christian lined up all the bath toys on the top edge of the tub . Then he decided they all needed a drink and I ended up mopping up the flooded floor . 6 . I let Christian lock the car with the remote about a week ago . I showed him what button did what , one time , and he remembered it . Monday after school we stopped at the grocery store . I gave him the remote to unlock the car and he climbed in while I put the bags in the back . I went around to buckle him in and held out my hand for the keys / remote . He adamantly told me " no , I do it , close the door . " Yeah , like that 's going to happen . I may do some dumb things , but I wasn 't about to leave my keys with my 3 yr old , inside the car , and close the door . I had a flash of the police and / or fire department showing up to unlock the car because Christian wouldn 't . He wasn 't too happy with me when after much talking , I ended up having to pry the keys out of his hands . 7 . Christian was going to get his 3 yr old photos taken last Sunday , but a fall resulting in a bite lip the day before produced a purple fat lip Sunday morning . So the photos were cancelled and we 'll try again another day . It 's always something : ) 8 . Christian was mad at me a couple of weeks ago because he didn 't want to do what I told him . I slid off the sofa , made a pouting mad face and said , " I 'm going to Grandma 's ! " I told him , " good luck with that , she lives a 2 hr car ride away , so you 'll be walking for days . " So he opted instead to talk to her on the phone : ) 9 . So potty training is an interesting experience . He has the pee part down , let 's me know when he has to go , does and usually doesn 't wet the pull up diaper . The poop on the other hand is getting out of control . The pull up diapers do not hold the weight of the poop very well , plus the secure tabs aren 't as tight so his pants push the diaper down on his butt . This means that when he poops , it goes everywhere , and I do mean everywhere ; up and out the top onto his pants ; out the sides onto his pants ; etc . The other day he had to change his pants three times and when I picked him up , he had messed on pant # 4 . Two shirts were also changed due to the top side explosion getting on the shirt . I am doing SO much laundry and instead of having two changes of clothes in his bag at school , I now have four . It just sort of baffles me . 10 . Christian now kneels at the pew when we enter church without me reminding him . He also can almost say the meal time prayer by himself too . Very proud mommy : ) He had a blast ! A project team at work got a reward and were invited to the game in the company suite box . Christian and I walked the six blocks , in the beautiful weather , to the stadium . The second we entered the suite , his energy switch flipped on . He was so overstimualted and was having the time of his life . I got him to sit still long enough to get a hot dog , some chips and a cookie down him . Then we was all over the place , entertaining everyone , or at last I hope he was entertaining them and not annoying them ! He stood at the rail to see the field for a few minutes at a time and in between he was running back and forth . The husband of the Project Manager , and also my friend , played with him alot and Christian loved it ! He was laughing so hard . Then he got comfortable and thought it would be ok to slip under the railings between the suites and go visit the neighbors . I ran around as much as his did trying to catch him before he disappeared or got into trouble . A couple of guys told me that he was welcome to run around in their box . . . . . that spelled trouble . He was running from one end of the suite , out the balcony door , down two steps to the outside railing to watch the game for a few minutes . . . . rinse . . . repeat . He was doing ok but slowly picked up his speed which made him not as stable and coordinated . I saw an accident coming soon . I stopped him mid stride , pulled him aside and explained to him that he needed to slow down and stop running down the stairs . I explained to him that if he fell , he would hit is head on the concrete ledge and get hurt really bad . He said , " ok " and walked off instead of running , so I thought we were ok . Wrong . The last few steps he ran , caught his toe on the top step , fell face forward , belly down and smacked his face into the concrete ledge . It was like slow motion to me and a bloody mouth with missing teeth flashed through my mind . A man that was sitting on the top step , instantly picked him up and I was right there to take him . I rushed inside , looked at his mouth and saw blood and went to the back of the suite to inspect the damage . He was screaming ( as I would have been ) and I managed to see that he had biten his bottom lip pretty bad , but no broken teeth , thank God ! My friend and another female guest were right there , handing me napkins and ice to put on it , but Christian fought that . Eventually he calmed down enough for us to get some ice on it for a minute or so and then we wanted down to run and play again . Amazing ! I was shaken up but tried to remain calm and put out of my mind how much worse that fall could have been . I 've been told I am too smothering and should let him just run and play , which I have been trying to do . But I don 't want him to get hurt and then this happens . It 's a delicate balance to find , wanting them to learn and be independent but at the same time anticipating those moments to intervene BEFORE the hurt happens . It wasn 't his first " owie " and won 't be his last but that doesn 't make it any less scary for me . So he played some more and then started to get too rowdy and then came the not minding , being sassy which meant the naptime tired fit was going to make an appearance any minute . And it did . So we packed up to leave but I was so happy we got to go to the game and he did so good up until the top of the 8th inning . The Cardinals were playing the Cubs , and managed to pull out a win at the bottom of the 9th , which we missed . Darn ! But we had a great time anyway . Christian 's preschool had a field trip yesterday to Eckert 's Orchard . This place is unbelieveable ! It started as a self - picking orchard and pumpkin patch that grew into an " event place . " They have carnival rides , pony rides , petting zoo , corn maze , climbing forts , a tube slide buried inside a hill , pig races , huge jumping pillow , plus much more ! The kids had a blast ! We started off playing on the wooden fort which consisted of ramps , steps and cross walks . It had rained a bit before , so the ramps were a little slippery so some of the littler kids were scooting down them on their bottoms . I let Christian go onto the fort by himself , but of course kept a close eye on him . At one point , when the ramp was crowded with kids going and down at the same time , he got overwhelmed , started to cry and called out for me . I couldn 't get through the wall of kids so I had to talk him down . He made it down , got a hug and then went right back to it . A few minutes later a group of older kids took over the fort . They were pushing and shoving past the smaller kids . Christian got very overwhelmed this time , started really crying , calling out for me . In the crowd of kids I lost sight of him but could hear him so I knew he was in the middle somewhere . One of the teachers could see him from the other side and was trying to console him because we couldn 't actually get to him . I saw her so I knew where he was . I managed to catch his eye and talk him into weaving his way through the kids to me so I could lift him up and over the railing . He was so done with the fort after that ! We moved on to ride the airplane ride then set off toward the petting zoo . He walked right up to the fence , stuck his hand through and petted a goat . I was so surprised after his incident at Grant 's Farm with the crazy goats . Then we moved on down the line to pet the camel . It wouldn 't cooperate and come close , so Christian decided to climb the fence to get closer . I reached down to get my camera , looked up and saw him going up the fence and raced over to get him down before either the camel took a bite out of him or we got evicted from the place . We then headed to see the pig races but they were in between races , so we moved on to the " Mine Slide . " This slide was awesome ! I wish adults could have gone down it because I would have been all over that . It was a tube built inside a hill that dumped out at the bottom . I waited in line with Christian and made sure he didn 't freak out and actually went down . He did so then I had to race through the people around the hill and down to get to him at the bottom . He was standing there , looking around , and calling out , " Mommy , mommy . " I got him and then we hiked up the hill which took the breath out of me . Yes I need to get on the exercise train again . We hussled to our scheduled time for the wagon ride out to the orchard . We headed for the Jonathan apple section and after going past four rows , found some trees with apples still left on them . The first few apples I had to lift Christian up to get them , which he thought was fun . Then another row over we found alot on lower limbs that he picked all by himself . The first one he pulled off , he got part of the branch with leaves still on it . He turned toward me with a huge grin on his face . Of course when I wanted him to stay there so I could get a photo , he wouldn 't smile . After we filled up our bag , we dug one out and started chomping away . They are SO delicious ! ! ! ! Back on the wagon we went for the ride back to the main area . By now it was noon and he was hungry . He ate the apple like he hadn 't eaten for days . When we finished the first one , he wanted another one and wasn 't too happy with me when I wouldn 't give it to him . We had to wait for the others to get back from the orchard and to eat lunch , so we wandered around a little more . Christian wanted to go down the slide again , which was by the pig races that I wanted to see , so we headed off in that direction . They were in between pig races , again , so I guess I wasn 't meant to see them . I have never seen a pig race and was just imagining how funny it would be . The second slide run was just as successful , he went down and loved it . When I made it to the bottom of the hill , he was squatted down watching the other kids pop out . A little girl came out and then who I am assuming was her mother , came next . ( Darn ! I didn 't think adults were supposed to go down the slide or I would have ! ) She was having a difficult time getting up so the little girl took her arm and was trying to help pull her up . Well Christian loves to help , so he promptly took the woman 's other arm and started pulling to . The lady started giggling , managed to get up with the " assistance " just seconds before another kid came sailing out of the slide tube . A few kids came out in close succession so Christian turned and started toward me . One bigger boy pushed Christian to the side pretty rough and the another bigger boy pushed him again the other way . Christian was fine , but tired , so the crying began . Now I was not happy about this situation , and the two boys had to get past big momma to get out of the fenced area . So when they got to me , I leaned down , eye to eye with me , and told them that it 's not nice to shove smaller kids and to apologize . With eyes round as saucers , they threw a nervous quick apology over their shoulders to Christian , darted around me and up the hill . With Christian being upset , he wanted me to carry him . . . . UP the huge hill . I was so out of breath by the time I got to the top lugging this 30 pound kid , I had to stop for a minute to catch my breath and get my heart rate down . Pathetic I know . We ate lunch , played on the John Deere tractor tire playground and started packing up to head home . Now remember , Christian is tired , it 's 1 : 00 and it 's nap time , so when he was told he couldn 't go on the airplane ride again , the " TT " ( aka tired tantrum ) began . He cried all the way out of the place and across the huge grass parking lot to the car . As expected , he fell immediately asleep when we started driving . He had the time of his life , heck so did I , that place is great ! I 'd love to go back closer to Halloween to pick a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch . I 've never done that , I 've always bought mine at a store . We 'll see if we can get back there before the end of the season ( and you can bet I 'll be going down that slide ! ) : ) Every morning Christian as we go to the car , Christian has been saying , " cooler , cooler . " Yep it 's cooler and we 're loving it ! I am eagerly waiting for the leaves to change so we can take Sunday afternoon drives to enjoy them . I bought his Halloween costume online , ordered the 2T and received a 12 - 18 month size . Even though the website had both sizes to select , they now tell me that they 've never had the toddler size . I sent it back , find the same one on another costume website . This site only had the 2T - 4T size to pick , so I did . . . . . . and I received another 12 - 18 month size today . I am not happy . I just sent an email inquiring if they have the 2T - 4T size so I can exchange it . Oh , I forgot to mention that the confirmation email and shipping email both stated the size was a 2T . Of course I have fallen in love with this costume and won 't really be satisfied with a different one . The first costume I got I tried on Christian anyway to see how " too small " it really was . It was too small , not terribly so , but was visually obvious , plus I wouldn 't be able to get a layer of clothes on underneath to keep him warm . If the company says it 's only available in the smaller size , then I 'm going to keep it and see if I can modify it to fit him . I know a few people that can sew so that 's a plus . Sort of annoyed that I have to alter a new costume when I am lean on free time these days . Oh well , it 's all worth it because he looks adorable in it : ) Yikes ! I guess I could tell you all that it 's a tree frog costume ! I figure next year he 'll be 4 yrs old and then starts the , " I want to be Superman , Spider Man , etc . . . " and my days of " cute costumes " will be over . So I 've got this one year to dress him in a costume that will embarass him years later : ) My sister called on Wednesday and said her daughter and she were coming to town to see the Forest Park hot air balloon glow and then wanted to go to the Zoo on Saturday morning . So we trekked to the balloon glow and luckily enough the rain held off . Beth and Abby absolutely loved the balloons and Christian eventually liked them . As expected he wanted out of the stroller and in the balloon baskets ! He finally understood what I was saying that when the horn blows , all the balloons fire up at the same time , creating an amazing sight . His favorite was the Wells Fargo balloon , which had a team of horses on it : ) Of course he also like the popcorn bag and the Energizer bunny balloons . We treated ourselves to an ice cream , sat on a blanket and waited for the fireworks . It started sprinkling rain when the fireworks started and I had to wake up Christian because he fell asleep in my lap . The fireworks were good and the hike back to the Hardee 's parking lot , where I took the chance to park , didn 't seem that far . As we walked up to the Hardees , we see a tow truck with two cars on it , drive by . I had a sick feeling that my car was going to be gone and here I was with a sleeping child in a stroller , my sister and niece . Abby ran ahead , around the corner and gave a shout out that my car was still there ! Whew ! I don 't think I 'll park there again : ) Saturday morning we headed to the Zoo and it was a beautiful day . Christian and I had been there the Sunday before but missed a few animals , which we saw this time . We also decided to visit the stingray exhibit . I laid Christian on his belly so he could lean over and reach the water . The stingray swam by and swam by and swam by , none of them close enough to the top for him to reach them . I tried to get him to reach down farther but he felt like he was going to fall in so he wouldn 't . My sister spotted a group along a farther wall where it curved in making a more narrow pass for them to swim through . This made the stingray push each other close to the surface , totally within reach . So we squeezed in between a couple of kids and within 15 seconds , we had both touched a stingray . Christian looked up at me with a huge surprised smile on his face . Then when he was looking the other way , a stingray swam under his hands that he had dangling in the water , causing him to jump so big , and then laugh . My sister snapped some photos of us and I can 't wait to see them . I am so happy I was able to give him that experience ! Home we went for a nap and my sister and niece headed back to their house . The babysitter arrived and I went to a friend 's wedding . He did a great job , didn 't get upset when I left and the sitter said he was fine the entire night . I had a good time at the wedding but kept checking my phone , but everything went fine . When he woke up Sunday morning , he smiled huge at me , reached for me and said , " Mommy 's back ! " I always say , " Mommy will be back , " whenever I leave him , whether it be at school or wherever . I think he finally understands and believes that I will be back . I am so happy about that ! Then we went to a 3 yr old 's birthday party that is the son of one of my good friends . There were some other small kids there too and Christian had a good time . He actually petted their little dog so I think he 's getting more comfortable . At first he thought the presents were for him and I was worried we would make a scene . But I calmly whispered to him that his birthday is over and now it 's this little boy 's turn to have a birthday . He said , " ok , " and sat calmly in my lap and watched the present opening . I was so proud of him . We had a very busy , but fun weekend ! We go to swim lessons again on Saturday morning and I hope he likes it as much as he did the first time . Off to do laundry . . . . Last night we had dinner with an good friend of mine and her 11 yr old son . We made plans to go to Dewey 's Pizza and when I told Christian this when I picked him up at school , he squealed and was saying , " pizza , pizza , pizza , " as he was running out the door to the car . Everyone at school laughed , including me . I was in a rush that morning and completely forgot his diaper bag that is my survival kit for him . It was the obvious diaper bag contents , along with crackers , fruit chews , extra napkins , bib , change of clothes , to name a few things . Typically when I pick him from school he 's absolutely filthy , but we keep a couple of changes of clothes there for " accidents " . I figured my forgetting the survival kit would qualify as an accident , so I planned to rob his bag for a change of clean clothes . I get to school and he 's in one of the changes of clothes , not a good sign . He had a potty accident , twice , along with some juice spills , so there was only the pair of red sweat pants and a white undershirt . Now I do not like these red sweats pants at all , thus why they were in the school bag plus I had alot of plain white Tshirts , so I tossed them in there too . This was all I had , which was bearable , except for the fact that I hadn 't recycled the bag yet and these clothes are now too small . So here he comes with bright red sweat pants that are about two inches too short , and a tight ( not super white ) Tshirt that is stretched over his little protruding belly . If he was 40 yrs older , he could have passed for a bum guy sitting in a beat up recliner in the front yard drinking a beer . You have the visual now don 't you ! Keeping him entertained while we wanted for the pizza was going to be a challenge without the survival kit items . But my friend Kim and her son Ben saved us , they brought him two little cars to play with , which worked for a while . He got a burst of energy and was in the high chair , out of the high chair , rolling the cars across the table , around the plate , busy , busy , busy . After we ate the pizza , which was SOOOO good , Ben took Christian over to the window that looks into the kitchen . You can watch the people making the pizza and the one guy by the window threw flour at the window like it was going to hit them in the face . Christian thought this was funny ! We were leaving and Christian decided to run a sprint , full circle , around all the tables in the place , with me chasing him and hoping I wouldn 't fall down . He was laughing , people were laughing and I finally managed to snag him before he found his way into the kitchen area , which believe me , if any kid could , it would be him : ) We went over to Kim 's house after and played in the yard . They have a little black dog , which I was wondering how Christian would react to . He always says , " pet the doggie , " but when he gets close , he freaks out and wants " up " . Kim calmed the dog down and after a few minutes , Christian was on the floor petting him ! I was so surprised and thrilled ! ! ! He likes dogs but I think because they move fast , that 's what freaks him out because when they sit still , he is fine with them . Of course when the dog barked or did the little growl before they bark , the made Christian anxious but he didn 't freak out . YAY , we 're making progress in the dog category . Ben was so good playing with Christian . Sometimes kids that age aren 't interest in playing with little kids , but Ben was right there , showing him things and talking to him . Christian loved it and kept saying over and over on the way home , " where 's more Ben ? " Now " more Ben " means that Christian knows two Bens now , a 3 yr old at school and this new Ben . I told him that one Ben was little and one Ben was big . On the way to meet them , he was saying , " I meet big Ben . " It made me chuckle because I was thinking of the clock tower , Big Ben , in London when he would say it . Then he switched to saying " more Bens " and that 's what stuck . So Ben , you now have a nickname from Christian , " more Ben . " : ) After having fat free brownies with ice cream and chocolate sauce ( come on , if you know me this isn 't a shock ) , we headed to the " toy store " in the basement . Christian was in heaven , all these new boy toys , he was picking up everything and couldn 't decide what to play with . Before I knew it , Kim was loading us up with some toys they no longer play with , which was awesome ! She gave us books ( which I have already read three times now ) , a Hot Wheels Halloween house ( which I like playing with as much as Christian ) , a big easel , two kiddie folding chairs , board games , a HUGE space ship thing ( that now has every small animal and person toy in it going to the moon ) , and a bug vacuum . Now I had never seen this bug vacuum but Christian loves it ! Luckily I had batteries for it and we fired it up when we got home . He wanted to sleep with it but I could just see him rolling over on the lever , it going off and scaring the crap out of both of us . He was insistent on taking it to school today for Show - N - Share day . The teacher told me it was a big hit and every kid wanted to play with it . It was like Christmas last night at Kim 's house ! Thanks Kim and Ben ! ! ! ! I have to go check on Christian right now . I put the space ship thing in his room because I have no room in my living room . I 'm sure he 's out of bed playing on it . . . . we 'll see : ) Christian did GREAT in his swimming lessons on Saturday morning . He loved it and did what the teacher told him to . Surprisingly , he had trouble blowing bubbles and I realized that we 've never really done that . He loved every other part of the class , except when we got out and it was COLD ! Each child got a water toy , threw it out across the water and then swam to it . After I showed him , Christian was the only one that used both his arms and kicking his legs to get to the toy . Yes I was so proud : ) We sang songs and did motions to them , like stroke your arms out front and kicking your legs . One song has us puting them on their backs but Christian wasn 't too fond of this position because he couldn 't see anything . Then they put their feet against the wall and pushed off backwards , of course they were partly rested against the parents . They had us put them up on the wall and jump to us , which is great . However , they need to explain to the kids that they do not jump unless the adult says ready and is looking at the child . Christian jumped once when I wasn 't ready and I was just lucky that he overshot the jump and his feet hit my chest or I would have had to scoop him up from under the water . Then I would be worried he wouldn 't want to swim anymore . I might mention this to the teacher but I don 't want to seem bossy . Of course I did fully and seriously explain to Christian that he does not jump unless I say , " ready . " Then there was a song about popcorn , where we jiggled them around , back and forth and then tossed them in the air , keeping contact at all times . Christian LOVED this and the concept of popcorn . He has asked for popcorn all weekend and of course I don 't have any and didn 't have time to go the grocery store . The things that stick in their little minds fascinates me . Sunday we went to early mass so we could get to the Zoo when it opened at 9 : 00 . The first hour the Zoo is opened , it is free to get into the Children 's Zoo area . We walked through the River 's Edge area , that 's like walking through a tropical rainforest , very cool ! Christian wanted to play in the waterfalls and couldn 't understand why he couldn 't pet the elephant . I think going to Grant 's Farm first and getting to pet the goats has confused him and he thought we would get to pet the animals at the zoo . I tried to explain it but it didn 't register to him but he got over it pretty quickly . We sat on statues for photos , saw a Sea Lion show that he could sit half way through , saw bears , penguins , puffins , etc . We rode the train , which thrilled Christian . Whenever we would stop at each train station to let people on or off , he would say quietly to himself , " come on , go . " Ummm , wonder where he 's picked that phrase up : ) He sat like a big boy , didn 't need to hold my hand , until we went through some dark tunnels and then I felt his little hand on my leg . Yes Mommy is still here , crammed into this hard little umcomfortable seat . I really need to lose some weight ! After a small snack I brought with us , we made our way to the Big Cats area , my favorite part . Christian kept saying , " pet the kitty . " Yes they do look like REALLY big kittys but we can 't pet these either . He was ok with that . I was a little disappointed because most of the big cats were hiding in the shady areas so we didn 't get to see them very well . Then off to the monkey building . Monkey 's creep me out , they are too human like for me . Christian loved how they were jumping and swinging around , I was glad they were active for him to see . We walked right past the snake house , I just cannot go in there . I felt bad because I want him to see everything he can , so when Aunt B and Abigail come to visit to go to the Zoo with us , they can take him inside . I wanted his photo on the big gorilla statue ( everyone who 's been to this Zoo , knows what I 'm talking about ) but I couldn 't find it . There is construction in a couple of areas and detours , so I missed it somehow and was too tired to go back and try to find it . We 'll be back to the Zoo again in the next couple of months , and I 'll get our photo with the infamous gorilla then : ) Monday we did alot of yard work , alternated with swinging . I would trim the bushes and toss the branches on the ground . Christian would pick them up and put them in the wheel barrow . . . . well at least most of the time . When the new fun of this little task wore off , he would go play , only to return and toss a few more branches into the wheel barrow . When the wheel barrow was full , he would " help " me push it to the dumpster and then bummed a ride back to the yard in the wheel barrow . Of course I was " sooo tired " that I couldn 't drive straight , and was weaving all over the alley . He loved it ! When he was bored , I would stop and swing him for awhile . This became our game : yard work for a little bit , swing for a little bit . Worked out great for both of us plus I got a little break here and there . Then lunch , nap and off to the park . Now I know I am biased , but I think he does an exceptional job on the rock climbing wall thing that is attached to the playground unit . He scrambles up it like a monkey while I stand behind him with my hands up ready to catch him . Of course he wanted to swing and I talked him into using the " big kids swing " , not the baby bucket swing , and he did great . After he gets comfortable with it , I 'll teach him to pump his legs to keep himself going . A girl about 10 yrs old was on the teeter totter with her Dad , horsing around making it go high and jerky , trying to make each other fall off . Well it worked , except not as they wanted . The girl flew over the handle , landed on her face on the middle metal support rail . When she came up she was holding her mouth . Her Dad pulled her hand away to see and it was full of blood and some missing teeth . Now I was about 15 feet away but that was close enough for me to gag when I saw the blood . Yes I am a huge sissy . Tuesday night was preschool " Dinosaur room " orientation . Christian is transitioning from the 2 yr old Dinosaur room to the 3 yr old Butterfly room . They reviewed the policies and Yay , I 'm doing everything right ! Thursday was a bad allergy day for Christian , he was miserable and grumpy . He was ready for bed at 7 : 30 , so with the extra time I surfed the internet for Halloween costumes . OMG ! There are SOOOO many adorable costumes I thought I was going to have a hard time deciding . . . . well the prices helped me decide real fast ! Holy cow , some of them are expensive if you ask me . Don 't get me wrong , they are adorable and look like they are made very well , but $ 50 for a Halloween costume they will only wear for a couple of hours ? ? ? ? Sorry , not in my budget . Of course I found the most adorable tree frog costume that I fell in love with , but at $ 45 , it will not be purchased . I looked for others similar , but when I get one in my head , all the others paled in comparison . I did find one that was sort of close in appearance , and much cheaper , so I ordered that one . I figure I can add a few things to it and printed off the costume I really wanted for ideas . We 'll see if I can do it : ) Tomorrow morning is our first swim lesson . He has been doing well with water , so I decided to go ahead and give it a try . As we move into fall / winter , rainy colder weather , he will be staying indoors at school more and more . I thought the swim lessons would give him some activity and work on his large motor skills . It 's a beginning class for kids that have never been in a swimming pool ( he 's been in one time ) and a parent has to be in the water with them . Now my very pale lumpy body is going to be in a swimsuit with people I don 't know ! I apoligize to those people in advance : ) I hope Christian likes it and has fun . I 'll keep you posted . We got up early Saturday morning and headed back to my parent 's house for the weekend . My sister has an annual friends and family Fall Party at her house on Labor Day weekend . It typically ends up being around seven families and lots of kids . Christian has a blast playing with everyone ! The party starts around 3 : 00 Saturday afternoon , with lots of activities , with everyone spending the night and heading back out after breakfast . The families come from Chicago to St . Louis and this was the 11th year in a row for the party . After we spent time with Aunt Lisa , cousin Alaina , Grandma and Grandpa , we made it to the party about 4 : 00 . There were kids in the pool , kids on the trampoline and the adults were sitting outside on the patio . It was so unbearably hot , the adults kept making trips back into the air conditioning , but of course the kids were fine . Christian was everywhere doing everything . We played with the new baby kitten in the garage , then off to the slide , then back to the kitten . When the big kids abandoned the trampoline for round two in the pool , Christian and I claimed the trampoline . He had the best time ever , couldn 't stop smiling and was making me laugh so hard ! ! ! A potential storm looked like it was rolling in , wind came up , sky got dark and the temperature dropped , so we all headed into the house . We had a wonderful dinner and by the time we were done , the bad weather had passed , so the kids headed back outside . My brother - in - law Bob got out the four wheeler and gave each kid a short ride around the yard . Then around 8 : 00 , the tractor and hay wagon appeared from out of the barn . This sent all the kids running into the house to change their clothes . Earlier we were sweating terribly because it was so hot , and we had to put on sweatshirts for the hay ride ! Christian was cautiously excited , having to sit on my lap , and held onto my hand . Off we went and part way through the ride , my nephew and one of the Dad 's had gone ahead on the four wheeler , to hide and jump out and scare the crap out of us ! Christian didn 't cry , but he was terrified . We made them come into the light so the kids could see who it was and then Christian was fine . Later in the ride , Bob stopped the tractor , turned off the lights and pretended it broke down . By now Christian had gained the courage to sit on the hay bale by himself , but the " broken tractor " had him scrambling back into my lap . I whispered to him that Uncle Bob was playing a game , would fix the tractor , and it will all be fine . He relaxed but kept hold of my hand for the rest of the ride . Now most of these kids are from the city and we were in the country , no street lights , and let me tell you , it 's pretty dark . They were a little nervous but excited at the same time . Thankfully when the nervousness started to gain ground , one of the other parents flipped on the flashlight they had brought . Smart thinking ! We made it home , safe and sound , kids put to bed so the parent 's could have an " adult hayride . " It turned out to be a beautiful night and another weekend of watching Christian experience and thoroughly enjoy some of the same things that I did as a child . He makes everything new and exciting again . So what to do tomorrow . . . . . ? This past weekend was full of exciting things , topped off with Christian 's third birthday party . It was his third birthday , but actually his first , because he 'd never had a birthday party before , and it was our first birthday together . All the more special . We drove to my parents house Friday late afternoon , just in time for Uncle Larry and Aunt Lisa to give Christian a ride in Uncle Larry 's police car . We grew up in a small town , 1350 pop . , so the town police officer giving his nephew a ride isn 't a big deal . They drove out into the country where deer usually roam that time of the evening , trying to find one to show Christian . Then my sister calls , and in an excited , but serious voice , to tell me that Larry got a call about a house fire . They would drive by my parent 's house ( where we stay when we visit ) and I was to stand on the street corner so they could pull up , open the door and hand him off to me . They didn 't want to waste time pulling into the drive and taking him in the house to me . So out the door I go , standing on the street corner waiting for my son to be tossed to me like a football . . . . just kidding . They did come roaring down the street , lights flashing and came to a hard stop by me . My sister opened the door , I grabbed Christian , the door slammed and they flew off . Christian looked a little stunned but quickly recovered to point at the flashing lights and say , " Oooo , Oooo . " What an exciting ride for a little boy ! The next morning we ran last minute birthday errands with my sister . She was buying him pants for his birthday and we had to try them on . Another little boy in the department was running around and through the clothes racks . You guessed it , it gave Christian some ideas . . . . . ideas that led to him getting into trouble . We had just tag teamed him from changing back into his own shorts when he made a break for it . He 's pretty good at dodging and weaving , it took both adults to catch him . We plopped him back in the stroller , turned to get more clothes off the rack to try on and in that mere 15 seconds , he bailed out of the stroller and was on the run again . This time Aunt Lisa caught him and gave him a firm talking to , which hurt his feelings and the loud crying began . Thank goodness we were done shopping and I 'm sure the people in the store were glad we were leaving too ! Back to my parent 's for Christian 's nap and my cupcake baking spree . Then off for a going away dinner for our local student seminarian and later to hear my nephew ( Christian 's cousin ) sing with his band at a nearby small town summer festival . The band sounded great , but of course I am a little biased . Christian did pretty good , but as it neared his bedtime , the grumpiness began . We managed to last for an hour and a half before it was just plain over for Christian , so home to bed we went . The next day after church , I scrambled around doing final decorations , icing cupcakes , blowing up balloons and helping cook lunch for the family . Everyone was able to attend the party which thrilled Christian . He ran from person to person , playing , laughing and wanting to " help " with whatever anyone was doing . He blew out his cupcake candle like a pro ! This was a dual party as my Dad has the same birthdate as Christian . After we sang Happy Birthday to Christian and he blew out the candle , he handed the cupcake to Dad and said , " Papaw 's turn . " So we sang again and Dad blew out a number 3 birthday candle : ) Christian loved opening his gifts but wanted to open the toy box and play with it right then . It was tough getting him to put the toy down to open the rest of the gifts , but we got it done . I think he had a great birthday . I know I had a wonderful time planning it . Tuesday Aug . 30th is Christian 's official birthdate , and we can take treats to preschool . I went to Schnucks grocery store to buy one of those large chocolate chip cookies you can have a message put on with icing . My guardian angel nudged me to read the ingredients and it read that " this product may contain peanuts or tree nuts . " He 's allergic to tree nuts , so I put it back and looked for something else . After literally 15 minutes of looking at almost every item in the bakery department , I couldn 't find one thing that didn 't have that statement on the label . I asked the bakery worker what it really meant . She told me that all their bakery items are made in the same plant with items that have peanute or tree nuts and some contamination is possible . Well due to the fact that I don 't know how severe an allergic reaction Christian might have , I didn 't want to take a chance . So I ended up buying popsicles , a helium balloon and " Cars " stickers . He had a blast at preschool telling everyone it was his birthday and he was THREE YEARS OLD ! The teachers do a wonderful job of celebrating with the kids to make them feel special on their special day . The next morning he woke up and told me it was his birthday : ) I told him his birthday was yesterday , he wanted another party , and I told him it was over . Then today was another little boy 's birthday and when I picked Christian up from preschool , he told me it was his birthday again today . It made me laugh , he thinks every day is his birthday now ! I wonder how long this idea will last , he does have a good memory : ) " . . . forces us to think about the delicate place that humans hold in the world . Through it all , Left Sided Angel remains upright and tenacious , refusing to give up . Is this then a message of hope and reassurance ? A message that might encourage humankind to do the same ? " May 13 , 2009Agency registration acceptedJune 2009 No action on my partJuly 13 , 2009First Homestudy meetingJuly 27 , 2009 Final Homestudy meetingAugust 8 , 2009Dossier paperwork completed but waiting on birth cerificates . September 2 , 2009Received birth certificates - finally ! September 8 , 2009Agency received all paperwork to be translated and sent to Russia . October 12 , 2009Dossier was officially posted with the Ministry of Education in Moscow . December 11 , 2009Assigned to the Kaliningrad region - that was fast ! March 11 , 2010Received call from agency and have first referral - it 's a girl . March 16 , 2010Met with doctor in St . Louis to review referral information . Called agency to say I accept to travel to see this referral . March 27 , 2010Leave St . Louis for RussiaMarch 28 , 2010Arrive in Kaliningrad at 7 : 00 p . m . - exhausted ! March 29 , 2010Meet Director of Dept . of Education for formal invitation to orphanage . Drive 1 1 / 2 hours to orphanage to meet little girl . March 30 , 2010Meet clinic doctor regarding girl ; delcined referral . Agency rep found second referral at same orphanage . March 31 , 2010Met second referral at orphanageApril 1 , 2010Independent doctor evaluated second girl referral ; had to decline . April 2 , 2010Flew to Moscow to spend the night . April 3 , 2010Flew home to St . Louis to wait for another referral . June 1 , 2010Received third referral , a little boy . Waiting for medical background . August 10 , 2010Agreed to travel to meet third referral , a little boy . August 20 , 2010Left for Russia to meet boy referralDeclined referral and three others while there . August 25 , 2010Met Ruslan ( now Christian ) for the first time . August 26 , 2010Accepted boy referralAugust 27 , 2010Signed official acceptance papersAugust 28 , 2010Trip back to US from RussiaAugust 29 , 2010Completing court documents and waiting for court dateOctober 6 , 2010Received court date = Nov . 29thNovember 30 , 2010Court Date CompletedDecember 15th , 2010Pick up from orphanageDecember 17th , 2010Interview at US EmbassayDecember 18 , 2010Flight home ! ! ! January 28 , 2011Said your firQuote of the Day |
Living in the Middle Tennessee area means that Baylor Bramble 's name has been in my Facebook news feed a lot . He 's a Seigel High School football player who was injured during a game in October . His dad is posting updates on Twitter - https : / / twitter . com / PastorBramble . My heart breaks for their family , as we know all too well the journey of a child with a Traumatic Brain Injury . For us , there was never a shortage of people wanting to help , praying for us , and encouraging us . I can only imagine that the same is true for the Bramble family . So I wanted to share what I think are practical ways to help a family going through a medical crisis like TBI . In reality though , I think these will apply to all extreme medical traumas . 1 . Prayer - I know we had a HUGE prayer support team when Timothy was in the hospital and even once we were home . It 's so encouraging on the really rough days and even on the good days to know that people from all over are praying for your family . I know a lot of people are praying for Baylor 's recovery , but I thought I might point out some other needs to pray for . This is a long journey for the entire family . There are so many steps on the long road of recovery from a Traumatic Brain Injury . So I want to encourage people to pray for Baylor 's parents . While my faith carried me spiritually through this journey , my body suffered from such a prolonged , stressful time . It 's been three years now and I 'm still struggling with my health . There 's not really a way to keep from wearing yourself out physically when you have child going through this . After a while , it really takes a toll . Even though I felt strong spiritually , physically I was struggling . It never occurred to me to ask for prayer for my own health while I was so focused on my son 's health . So I 'll ask on behalf of Baylor 's parents . Pray for their physical strength while you are praying for their spiritual strength . Pray for his siblings . This time can be so overwhelming and confusing for them . Some of my children didn 't open up about their struggles through this time until a year or more later . They may not know how to express what they 're feeling yet or they may not feel comfortable sharing . To them , it might feel selfish to share how this is impacting them when they are watching a sibling struggle to survive . This is hard enough for adult minds to process . Just imagine how difficult it must be as child trying to navigate such a difficult time . 2 . Meeting Physical Needs - It seemed as if we had our own little private army that swooped in to meet our needs . Between family , friends , and our church family we had a support system that provided things we didn 't even have the time or energy to think about . We had people taking care of our yard , cleaning our house , providing meals for our family at home , providing meals for me at the hospital , gas gift cards for traveling , restaurant gift cards , etc . My sister drove from Arizona to Tennessee with her 5 children to help take care of our other children for two of the weeks Timothy was in the hospital . My Sunday School class continued to provide meals for my family not only whil3 . No Expectations - Email , text , send cards , and provide things without the expectation of any kind of acknowledgement . With the Facebook memory app , I 've seen messages that people posted on my wall in the days after Timothy 's accident that I don 't even remember . I had a friend email me almost daily to let me know how he was praying for us . He continued to send these emails for several months after the accident . I apologized one time for never responding to any of his emails . He told me there wasn 't a need to apologize and he never expected me to respond . He just wanted me to know what his prayer for us was each day . That was so freeing to be released from the expectation I had put on myself to respond . The truth is , when you 're going through something like this , sleep is difficult . There 's so much to keep up with medically , it can be overwhelming . Your brain cells are busy trying to keep up with all this new terminology , countless doctors , medicines , medical procedures and so on , you may read something and then completely forget about it . While I may not remember every text , note , post , or email that I read , what I remember overall is how much support we had . This family 's life will never be the same . They will mark time as " before the TBI " and " after the TBI " . There will be good days and bad days . Seasons where they can be involved in the lives of others and times where they can 't think past what 's right in front of them . When Timothy was released from the hospital , our chaotic life didn 't end . In fact , it felt more difficult in some ways . In the first 54 weekdays after his release , he had 60 appointments . Juggling all those appointments as well as trying to jump back into life at home was extremely difficult . The important thing is to free them from any expectations - for a long time . I don 't personally know this family , but I hope I can meet them someday . While there will be many hard days ahead , there will also be many times of " build an altar " moments for them . Those times where you experience God in such a Posted by Being a mother to a special needs child can be extremely rewarding . I 've learned to rejoice through even the smallest of victories , because I know how much work went in to them . I 've learned compassion in a way I didn 't understand before . I 've learned how to rely on God 's strength and not my own . I 've seen how God uses the most difficult of circumstances , to work in my life and the lives of others . However , it is also extremely exhausting . I 've lost countless hours of sleep . I 've spent many days in tears . I 've spent days wondering if my child would live , and spent days crying out to God on his behalf . On top of all of that , the really ugly side of special need parenting is that sometimes our children say and do mean things to us . I have shared in the past that Timothy 's anger is most often directed towards me . Since his brain injury , he 's had a more difficult time controlling it . This summer was even more difficult than before . My son can 't process information or his feelings the way others can . He has the mind of a first grader inside the body of a thirteen year old . This past week has been increasingly difficult . Timothy said some very hurtful things to me . It 's painful . Painful to the point that sometimes I felt I couldn 't breathe . It 's painful to pour so much into a child that treats me so poorly . It 's common for autistic children to not show affection . I 've learned to accept that and to treasure the rare moments when he does . I don 't think I can find the words to describe how painful it is to love someone so deeply and that person doesn 't return your affection and is openly hostile to you . As I struggled through last week , I have cried out to God for understanding . I 've also reached out to a handful of people for prayer support and wisdom . As I described my pain to my sister , she said , " Cari , this is the gospel . God 's love on display for us even when we 're hostile to Him " Through the rest of the day , I pondered these words . She was so right . Before Christ , I not only withheld my love , I was openly hostile to Him . I did things that I knew were wrong ; things that I knew were against His commands . I reached out to other people and things to ease the pain and emptiness I felt . I turned everywhere but to Him . Yet , despite my rejection He still loved me and sought after me . John 15 : 11 - 12 says , " These things I have spoken to you , that My joy may remain in you , and that your joy may be full . This is My commandment , that you love one another as I have loved you . " How did He love us ? He gave His life . He paid the ultimate penalty for our sin . He conquered sin and death , so that we could have eternal life . In Luke Cari Plans . . . we all make them . Our busy lives demand we make plans so we can fit everything in . On August 18 , 2012 , we had a lot of plans . I was in the process of training for a half marathon . My husband had just completed a bike race that morning and had plans to do more in the fall . We had just started a new school year . My daughter was beginning her senior year and final season of cross country . Along with all the other smaller plans we made in just living out our everyday lives . That afternoon , our plans met our new reality . When Timothy fell in the shower , fracturing his skull and cutting an artery , our lives turned completely upside down . All the things we thought we knew , turned into question after question . How much brain damage did he suffer ? Will he be in a wheelchair ? Will he know who we are ? Will he have to go back on a feeding tube ? Will he . . . ? So many questions that led me to the same conclusion - God is in control . Did anything happen that day outside of God 's knowledge ? No . Were we facing anything that He couldn 't handle ? No . Three years ago today , James 4 : 13 - 15 became very real for me . It says , " Come now , you who say , ' Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city , spend a year there , buy and sell , and make a profit ' ; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow . For what is your life ? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away . Instead you ought to say , ' If the Lord wills , we shall live and do this or that . " I don 't really know what today holds , so should I really trust in my own abilities ? I 'd rather trust in the One who does know what today and each of my days hold . He knows what will happen and how He will work through it . Knowing that I don 't have to be the one with all the answers is very comforting . We looked back on that day and realized all the things God orchestrated to prepare us for what was coming . Some simple , others meant the difference between life and death . My children are blessings from the Lord but , they don 't really belong to me . I 'm more Posted by I 'm tired . I feel like the song " Worn " has become the theme song of my life . I have allowed myself to become bogged down by my circumstances , I 've focused so much on them , that my circumstances seem big and God seems small . I would love to wake up and not immediately start thinking like the mother of an autistic child . I would love to make dinner and not think about food allergies . I would love think about the coming year without fear of medical issues for Timothy . I would love to not worry about medical bills from the past and the ones we 're facing this year . I would love for my daughter 's medical issues to be solved so she can eat normally again . I would love to not think about my own struggles with health and sleeping , along with so many other things . All those things are overwhelming when I 'm busy seeing life through my abilities . That 's where I 've been lately . The longer I viewed them through that lens , the bigger and more overwhelming they became . As I was driving to church yesterday , these were the thoughts running through my mind . When will the struggle stop ? After arriving at church , I realized the question I needed to ask myself is , when will I stop ? When will I stop focusing on my problems ? When will I stop trying to handle it all ? Everything from the music to the teaching pointed me to who God is . My circumstances change , He does not . I feel incapable , He is able . I am overwhelmed , He is peace . I feel empty , He fills . I am uncertain about the future , He holds the future . Somewhere along the way I have slowly started trying to do things in my own strength . I bought into the lie that I can handle it . I can 't . So now I am working on taking the focus off of me and all the things I have to deal with and return my focus to the One who actually can . John 15 : 5 says , " I am the vine , you are the branches . He who abides in Me , and I in him , bears much fruit ; for without Me you can do nothing . " This is where I 'm trying to put my focus , abiding in Him . This doesn 't mean all of my problems disappeared . It does brinPosted by It has been almost two years since Timothy 's Traumatic Brain Injury that almost took him from us . According to one ER doctor , about 15 more minutes and it would have been too late . There were many days following his accident that seemed like a blur . Then there were days so clear , it seems as if it were yesterday . One day in particular will always stand out to me as one those moments , if we lived in Old Testament times , where I would build an altar to the Lord as a permanent reminder of what He has done . It was early in the morning on the Saturday after Timothy 's accident . By this time , I was very tired from so many sleep deprived nights and days full of activity . My day began at 4 : 15 a . m . with the sound of coughing and then Timothy 's voice saying , " Well that makes my nose feel better . " He pulled out the feeding tube that had been placed in his nose . Since he was still unable to eat on his own , it would need to be replaced . No child would enjoy having a tube placed in their nose down to their stomach . With Timothy 's autism , it made it even more difficult . I 've been with Timothy in the hospital more times than I count , so I knew the long day we were facing . Attempts were made to replace the tube only to find out through an x - ray that it went down his airway instead of his esophagus . After several tries , it was decided he would need to have his IV replaced so they could give him sedation medication . This was also a very difficult task . Timothy has had many , many IV 's and it usually takes 3 - 4 attempts to get one placed properly . By attempts I mean him screaming and rocking violently while several nurses try to hold him down . On this same day , I was supposed to go home see my other children and pack my bags for our trip to a children 's rehab hospital in Atlanta . I was trying to go home after they placed the IV and inserted the feeding tube . My sister and husband finally assured me that they would wait with Timothy so I could go home . Not too long after I left , they came and put in his IV . I hadn 't been home long when Posted by Day 1 - I think on this first day , I should introduce you to our family . My husband , Brian , and I live in Tennessee and we have five children . Tori is eighteen , Zachary is thirteen , Timothy is eleven , Benjamin is seven , and Payton is four . Mostly though , I want to introduce you to Timothy . The last week of December in 2001 , I came down with a stomach virus , or so I thought . After a week of being sick and completely exhausted , I began to wonder why this virus was lasting so long . I also began to wonder how the rest of my family was able to avoid this terrible illness . I 'm sure most women would 've had the , " Duh , " moment a lot earlier , but being pregnant wasn 't anywhere on my radar . We were done . We had the " perfect " family , a girl and a boy . What more could we need ? Apparently another boy ( and further down the road - one more boy and another girl ) . To say we were a little shocked by the two pink lines on the test would be an understatement . This should 've been my first clue as to what our life was going to be like with our newest blessing . My pregnancy was rough ! I lost 22 pounds in my first trimester due to illness . By the end of my pregnancy , I was in a lot of pain . Timothy has a flare for the dramatic , so it 's only fitting that he came into this world five weeks early . Oh , and did I mention we were on vacation when I went into labor ? He seemed like a healthy baby boy for the first few days of his life . He was born on a Wednesday , but by the following Monday , I couldn 't wake him up anymore . He was admitted to the hospital that day . This began a long journey of finding out all the things wrong with him . As all of the medical issues were being resolved , I knew there was more . I know for some families the diagnosis of autism can be devastating . For me it was a relief . I had been saying for a while that Timothy was autistic , but no one would listen to me . As soon as I would say it , I was met with a reason why it wasn 't possible . I knew that I was right though . Being around other children with autDay 2 - Timothy began early intervention therapy when he was around 1 - 1 1 / 2 years old . He had an occupational therapist and a physical therapist who would come to our house several times a week . I mentioned in the beginning that I sensed from an early age Timothy was autistic . He spent a great deal of time rocking and crying when something happened he didn 't expect . When he would get really upset , he would rock violently and roll his eyes back in his head . His occupational therapist told me that I needed to stop him from doing this . She said he was trying to tune us all out . He started doing it so often , she became concerned . Her concern was by him tuning us out so frequently , he would eventually tune us out altogether . So , whenever he would start to rock and roll his eyes back in his head , I would get down on the floor with him and talk to him until he would start looking at me again . If he tried closing his eyes , I would open them and keep talking . Eventually , he stopped doing it as often . He still rocks on a regular basis , but he doesn 't roll his eyes back in his head anymore , trying to tune us out . Day 3 - I 'm still trying to learn the balance between making Timothy do things even when he doesn 't want to , and not expecting more of him than he can handle . I also worry way too much about how people will react to him . Some days it just doesn 't seem worth the effort to force Timothy to interact with the world as well as forcing the world to interact with him . I remember one shopping trip when my sister and her family were visiting . Timothy absolutely did not want to go . I made him go anyway . His behavior progressively got worse . Eventually , he went into full meltdown mode . Right in the middle of the store , he began screaming and throwing himself around . Out of desperation , I sat down in the floor with him . I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tightly , while rocking back and forth as hard as I could . It took a little while , but he did finally calm down . We received lots of stares while sitting in the floor together rocking . One thing I 've learned over the years is I need to let " the world " go and just focus on taking care of my son . Day 4 ( This story is from Timothy 's older sister , Tori . ) - Timothy went through a phase where he loved the High School Musical movies . He would watch them all the time and he knew every musical number . In High School Musical 2 there was one scene where the lead female character ( Gabriella ) said good - bye to the lead male character ( Troy ) . It was slow , dramatic , and , for Timothy , tear - worthy . To him , this was an incredibly sad moment . He could deeply feel Troy 's heartache as he watched his love walk away . Timothy knew at the end of the movie they got back together , but every time he saw this scene , his reaction was the same . Through big , crocodile tears he would say , " Gabriella said goodbye ! " My best friend happens to share a name with the main character . One day , when I was leaving to go to her house , Timothy heard where I was going and started panicking . He told me , " Tell Gabriella not to say good - bye to Troy ! " Day 5 - Timothy goes through phases where he becomes obsessed with certain things or people . I never know when one obsession will end and another one will begin . Some of these obsessions are funny . Others can be expensive for us ( like his current obsession with putting items in his ears ) . Then there are the phases that are downright embarrassing . One of the most embarrassing phases he went through , I refer to as his " grabby phase " . He went through a time of grabbing women on their backsides . He didn 't do it every time he passed someone . He did it randomly enough to keep me on my toes . I felt like I should carry a sign or a recording around with me saying , " I 'm sorry . " Sometimes , I would try to explain , other times I simply apologized and walked away . As if that phase wasn 't bad enough , he took it to a whole new level . He began grabbing women on their chest . One of the most embarrassing times was when I took my children to a curriculum display . At a curriculum display , you can look at all the books to see what they 're like before purchasing . When we walked into the room I saw lots of moms peacefully browsing curriculum while their well - behaved children sat quietly at a table reading their novels . Ok , maybe they weren 't really reading novels , but that 's what it seemed like to me . Then we came in , the Britt family tornado . I was trying desperately to keep Timothy from dumping books off of the table while also trying to look through the ones I thought about purchasing . I was watching my friend 's daughter as well , who was around 13 years old at the time . She saw the trouble I was having trying to hold Timothy in my lap while also filling out paperwork . So , she knelt down in front of him to try and distract him . Well , this just put her at the perfect height for him to grab her . After he grabbed her , she started laugh due to embarrassment . Timothy took this as an indication that he should keep going . He laughed loudly as he continued to grab her . She had to stand up and back away , while he continuedDay 6 - Since Timothy was little , he 's had an eye for the ladies . Before he could talk , he would just stare at them . When I say stare , I mean an unrelenting stare . Then once he finally learned to speak , it became a little more awkward . I never really watched the show " Friends " , but I 've seen enough to know Joey 's infamous pick up line . Somehow , so did Timothy . He was sitting in the front of my grocery cart when a pretty lady walked by him . As she walked by he said , " Hey . How you doin ' ? " Man , was I embarrassed ! Another time as we were walking into church , a teenage girl walked by us . As she was passing Timothy said , " Hey , hey , hey … slow down . Not so fast . " He wanted this young girl to walk beside him into church . When we were in Philadelphia for Timothy 's open heart surgery , we had to stay at a Ronald McDonald House . Different groups would come in to fix dinner or do projects around the house . A group of teenagers from a local high school came one night to cook dinner and hang out with all of the kids staying there . It wasn 't long before Timothy was surrounded by every girl there . He turned on his charm and had them eating out of his hand . They did whatever he asked them to do . I think if he had asked them to jump , they would have replied , " How high ? " Day 7 - In December of 2006 , we welcomed Britt baby # 4 . I wasn 't sure how Timothy would handle having a baby around . In the beginning , he viewed Benjamin as more of a toy than a person . Timothy liked to play one particular game with his new toy , I mean little brother . He would walk up to Benjamin , look at him , and then yell , " Boo ! " , causing his baby brother to jump . Timothy thought this was the most fun game . He would laugh and laugh . Benjamin did not see the humor , however ; he would cry and scream . I tried to explain to Timothy that babies didn 't like being scared . He didn 't believe me , so the " game " continued . Eventually , when Timothy would approach Benjamin , he would start crying . One day , Timothy came to me and said , " Benjamin doesn 't like me . " I explained to him again how babies didn 't like to be scared and how maybe Benjamin would like him more if he was nice to him instead . It still took a while for Timothy to really understand . My sister reminded me of another time when we were all together and I found Timothy in the room where Benjamin was sleeping . When I picked up Benjamin , I noticed there were scratches all over his face . I asked Timothy what happened . He replied , " His face was itchy , so I scratched it . " Poor Benjamin laid the groundwork for teaching Timothy what babies like and dislike . By the time Britt baby # 5 came along , Timothy had learned . As soon as we walked in the door with his new baby sister , Timothy began singing her a lullaby . He kept his voice soft and sweet . Now he actually does well with babies . When he sees one , there 's nothing I can do to stop him from going to them . Thankfully , he switched up his game to peek - a - boo instead of just yelling , " Boo ! " Day 8 - We lived in Virginia when Timothy began kindergarten . I remember having an IEP meeting where I was told he wasn 't functioning in the school 's Special Ed Program . They told me we might need to start looking at alternatives . In my mind I was thinking , " I thought Special Ed was the alternative . " Shortly thereafter , Brian unexpectedly got a job offer that moved us to Tennessee . I wasn 't sure what to expect , but I heard Rutherford County in Tennessee had great schools . We moved the weekend after Thanksgiving in 2007 . Timothy had only spent a few weeks at his new school before the Christmas break . While he was on break , I noticed him playing with a learning toy we had . It had all the letters of the alphabet on it . At first I thought he was pretending to know all the letters and their sounds , but then I started listening closer . He knew every letter and the sound it made . Brian and I were blown away by how much he had learned in just those few short weeks . I 'm not sure what the teachers here in Tennessee did that was different , but whatever it was worked for Timothy . We knew then God had directed our steps and provided exactly what Timothy needed . Day 9 - Not too long after we moved to Tennessee , Timothy went through a rough patch at night . He would wake up sometimes at 2 a . m . ready to start his day . Once he woke up , I couldn 't get him back to sleep . It was an extremely exhausting phase . After one particularly rough night , Zachary came stumbling down the stairs rubbing his eyes . Knowing how little sleep I had gotten , I asked him how many times Timothy had awoken him . He told me one time during the night he woke up feeling a banging on his stomach . When he opened his eyes , he saw Timothy hovering over him with a toy hammer in his hand , banging away . Like most of us would , Zachary asked him what in the world he was doing . Timothy replied , " It 's working ! My wobot is working ! " Zachary did not share his enthusiasm , however . I couldn 't help but laugh as I thought about Timothy being lost in his fantasy world , working so hard on his robot . I 'm sure he was overjoyed to have his " creation " come to life . Day 10 - Timothy was very sick when he was younger . His first few years were full of doctor appointments , tests , procedures , hospital stays , and surgeries . By age four , he had undergone four major surgeries . It wasn 't until after his last surgery , open heart surgery , that the multiple hospital stays each year lessened . It was heartbreaking to see my little one go through such awful things . Being autistic , made it harder because he couldn 't always process or understand what was happening . A lot of times I had to help hold him down while the medical staff poked and prodded him . He would look at me as though wondering why I was allowing them to do these things to him . I felt so helpless , knowing I couldn 't make it stop . Out of desperation to do anything to comfort him , I would rub his hair and whisper comforting words to him . It never seemed to help because he would just keep screaming and rocking . Even though it seemed to be in vain , I kept trying to comfort him throughout the years . When Timothy was six , I was pregnant with Payton . For some reason I can 't remember now , Timothy went with me to one of my pre - natal appointments . We were just there to listen to Payton 's heartbeat . He was playing with his toys when the midwife came in . As she laid me back on the table and started to locate the heartbeat , Timothy stopped what he was doing and came to my side . He started rubbing my hair and whispering in my ear all those things that I used to say to him . He kept whispering them over and over again . I knew at that moment all those years of what seemed to be comforting in vain , were not . He did hear me , and he did understand when I was trying to comfort him . I thought all those times of trying to comfort him never really mattered , but they did . I lost it . I 'm sure the midwife thought I was crazy , lying there bawling . I was so overwhelmed , that I could barely explain what was happening . When he thought I was going through some of the things he had gone through , he wanted to comfort me . As most mothers of autistic childreDay 11 - Timothy went through a really rough stage when Payton was a baby . He had so much trouble controlling his anger . He took it out on me for the most part . It didn 't matter who upset him , I was the one he hit . I tried not to take him out in public much during this time . We mostly stuck to the places where he was comfortable . There was one day , however , I couldn 't avoid going out with him . By the time I neared the end of my shopping , he was done ! While in the store he got very angry and began shouting at me . I couldn 't get him calmed down and it escalated into him hitting me . We had to leave our groceries and get out of the store . I was wearing Payton in a sling , so I kept my arm stiffened to keep him from accidentally hitting her . On our way out , Benjamin fell down and started crying . So , there I was , wearing a baby in a sling on my chest , carrying a crying toddler on my back , and holding my arm out while holding on to Timothy so all he would be able to punch was my arm . Of course we made quite a scene and received many stares . One woman decided to do more than look . She came over to help me . Though there wasn 't much she could do , it meant so much that she didn 't just stare or judge , she offered to help . I don 't know her name , but I 've never forgotten that moment . Day 12 - When he was in the first grade , I was invited to a Mother 's Day party at Timothy 's school . The morning of the party , he reminded me about it and wanted to make sure I was coming . After letting him know I would be there , I put him on the bus . Not too long after that , we got a phone call that my father - in - law had passed away . This meant that I would need to quickly get my family ready for a 12 hour drive back to Virginia . It 's no small task getting our family of seven ready for a road trip . It 's especially difficult because Timothy has lots of food allergies . Stopping to eat along the way isn 't an option for us , which means I have to prepare all of our food . When I thought of all the work facing me , the idea of heading to school for an hour or so seemed to be out of the question . I knew I had to go , however , even if I didn 't have time because Timothy was expecting me to be there . It may not bother him , but then what if it did ? I 'm never really sure of how a situation will affect him . He could handle it without any problem , or it could upset him and affect his behavior for the rest of the day . I did as much as I could and then headed off to the school . It really was a touching scene with a room full of children and their mothers . Some children were getting plates of food for their moms . Others were showing them all the gifts they had made with love . Timothy was doing therapy , so I took in this moment while waiting for him . When he came into the room , he looked at me , looked around the room , and said , " Can I go ? " Heartwarming right ? After I told him that he could , his teacher apologetically handed me my gifts . I reassured her that I was fine . I 've learned that I can 't make those moments happen with him . I just have to enjoy them when they do come . I 've also learned that those heartwarming moments don 't always look the same as they do with my other children . It 's not that he doesn 't show affection , it just looks different and comes at unexpected times . Day 13 - Timothy doesn 't have many inhibitions . When he gets into a character , he 's all in . He wants to dress , talk , and act like whatever character has his attention . That leads to some interesting moments . Some moments are pretty funny . Some can be a little embarrassing . His Tarzan phase was pretty interesting . Thankfully , it didn 't last long . We never got used to him running around in his tighty whities while beating on his skinny little chest . Others lead to lots of laughs and fun . If he hears music and wants to dance down the street , he does . If he wants to act like a pirate , he does . When we were out shopping one time , Timothy decided he was a spy . Instead of trying to make him stop , I joined him in his fantasy world . While the rest of our family was shopping , we " tracked down " Daddy all throughout the store . We hid behind racks of clothing , tip - toed across aisles , and made ourselves " invisible " by standing up against the wall . Daddy figured out our game and played along with us . We got a lot of strange looks that day , but my favorite look was the smile on Timothy 's face . Day 14 ( Today 's story is from Timothy 's older brother , Zachary ) - One Sunday , on our way home from church Timothy was pretending to be a bear hunter . He stayed in this character all the way home and through lunch . After lunch Timothy said he was going outside to hunt a bear . When he left , my mom asked me to go put on our bear costume so he could " hunt " me . My dad took him out the front door while I went out the back door to hide . I was not for the idea in the beginning because I was about 10 years old and of course every 10 year old wants to be cool . Dressing up as a bear so your little brother can " hunt " you was NOT cool . At first Tim didn 't know I had put on the costume . He was still hunting a pretend bear . I kept sneaking through the yard trying to be spotted by him . When he finally saw me , his face was priceless . He chased me through the yard and shot me with his toy gun . BAM ! I was down . Tim stood over me proud of his hunting skills . Then my dad told him to butcher the meat before it goes bad . Somehow the bear revived and quickly ran inside . Day 15 - I was a little nervous when we first started letting Tori babysit . Not because I thought she was irresponsible , but because I know how difficult it can be to keep up with Timothy . He 's so impulsive . He 's also very quick . Usually , I don 't see him cause the damage , I just find the evidence . One time Tori called us saying that we needed to come home . Thankfully , we were almost there anyway . Timothy didn 't want to watch the same movie as the rest of the children , so he asked if he could go downstairs and watch something else . Tori told him that he could and off he went . After 10 minutes or so , Tori asked Zachary to go check on him while she made the popcorn . When Zachary went downstairs he noticed water coming from the bathroom . When he opened the door , he saw the sink overflowing . Timothy had turned on the water , plugged the sink , and walked out . Not only was the bathroom flooded , but it had gone through the wall into Zachary and Benjamin 's room . It took a while to get all that water off the bathroom floor and out of the carpet in the boy 's room . Tori is a wonderful babysitter , but I joke that it 's because of all the experiences that Timothy has given her . There aren 't many situations Tori could come across as a babysitter that she hasn 't already encountered in our home . I think we should call it " Britt Babysitting Boot Camp " . Day 16 - We don 't do a lot of vacations . We 're more stay - cationers rather than vacationers . First , because as a larger family , it 's difficult to find places that we can all stay in for a reasonable price . Second , because it 's difficult to find a place that will capture Timothy 's attention as well as the rest of the family . In 2011 , our family was able to spend a few days in Gatlinburg . This was also the same time of the cicada invasion . Timothy is afraid of any flying insect . By afraid I mean , when he sees one he screams , waves his arms frantically around his head , and takes off running . I thought we had a bunch at our house , but it was nothing compared to the number in the mountains . Every time we left our cabin , Timothy would panic all the way to the van . We worked out a plan to help him out . One of us would go to the van and stand by the door to wait for Timothy . Then someone else would open the cabin door for him and run out with him . As soon as he would get to the van , we 'd open the door and then quickly close it behind him . He wasn 't satisfied until everyone was safely in the van without any cicada stowaways . If one happened to follow us into the van , I 'm not sure I know words that would describe the scene accurately . Once we rid the van of intruders , it would take lots of convincing for him to believe us . So needless to say , when the cicadas invade again , it will definitely be stay - cation time ! Day 17 ( This story is from Timothy 's sister , Tori ) - In the summer of 2011 , I had the opportunity to serve at a mission in Mexico . I had never been so far away from my family before . I also had never been away from them for more than a week . The morning I left , I was eating my breakfast and going over the details of my trip with my parents . When Timothy came out of his room , my mom told him this was the day I was leaving . She asked him if he had anything he wanted to say to me . Timothy turned , looked at me and asked , " Can I have your toast ? " And that was my good - bye from him . Day 18 - Timothy is afraid of fire . Well , anything to do with fire really - smoke , burning smells , candles , fire alarms , etc . If he sees a lit candle , he won 't stop until he blows it out . We have to hold him back at birthday parties so he doesn 't blow out the candles before the birthday child can . If he sees a pot of boiling water , he 's convinced it 's on fire . One day , Tori was making grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch . The sandwiches got a little , shall we say , crispy . It didn 't make for the most pleasant of smells . Timothy was convinced there was a fire . It took a while to reassure him there wasn 't a fire , just a slightly overcooked sandwich . To this day when Tori starts to cook , Timothy says , " You aren 't going to cook are you ? Is there going to be a fire ? I don 't want mine cooked . " Once something gets into his head , it 's very difficult to get it out . I don 't know how long it will take for her to live that down . Day 19 - Making friends can be difficult for Timothy . He doesn 't really excel at social skills . If he thinks something , he says it . He doesn 't have a great concept of personal space . When he sees something he wants , he takes it ( it doesn 't matter if someone else had it first ) . Adults tend to be more understanding of these behaviors than children . Timothy can be pretty intimidating without realizing it . He also doesn 't really play with other children . He mostly plays beside them . So , as you can imagine , he didn 't have a lot of friends . When he was in the 4th grade , he came home from school with a pirate book from the book fair . I hadn 't given him money yet to buy books , so I was a little curious . He told me that his friend , Maddie , bought it for him . Timothy has a way of pestering you when he wants something . He 's so persistent that he 's hard to resist . Now I 'm thinking that he pestered this poor girl until she spent the money that was supposed to be for her , on him . I talked to his Special Ed . teacher the next day and she told me that wasn 't what happened at all . She told me that Maddie and Timothy really hit it off . She would come to get him each day to take him to his Regular Ed . class or to go to lunch . She knew how much he loved pirates , so she bought him the book and brought it to him . Not too long after that , I got a note from her . Maddie told me about the birthday party she was having and how she wanted Timothy to be there . It was such a sweet note . This was the first time Timothy had been invited to a birthday party . Others in our family had been invited to parties and Timothy was able to tag along . This time someone chose him and said that the rest of our family could tag along . I cried and cried after reading it . Once I pulled myself back together , I called the number she gave me in the letter . As I spoke with Maddie 's mom , Christy , I couldn 't hold back my tears . I told her how much it meant to me that Maddie included my son . Christy had no idea that Maddie had written me that letDay 20 - Being the sibling of a special needs child can be very difficult . I 've spent so much time in hospitals taking care of Timothy . That means I 've also spent a great deal of time away from my other children . I remember one night in particular when Timothy was still little and I was on the phone with a doctor talking through his symptoms . The doctor came to the conclusion that we needed to yet again head to the ER and most likely he would need to be admitted to the hospital . I had no idea that my daughter was standing behind me for this phone call . As I hung up the phone and turned around , she said to me with big tears in her eyes , " You 're leaving again , aren 't you ? " I 'm sure you can imagine how this pierced right through my heart . It 's not just the times away that can be difficult for them . There are times that we have to let Timothy get away with things because either he just can 't process it properly or we have to pick our battles . It can be difficult to understand why he can do things they aren 't allowed to do , or he may not have to do things they are expected to do . We do have expectations for him , they just aren 't the same as our typically developing children . Then there are times we couldn 't go somewhere , or we had to leave a place early because Timothy couldn 't handle it . I even remember one time when Benjamin was telling me what he wanted for his birthday . He paused for a moment and then said , " Well , maybe I shouldn 't get that . Timothy will be able to break it too easily . " He was five years old and had to consider whether the toy was made well enough to enter our home . Timothy is very impulsive as well as very quick . You don 't usually see him breaking toys , you just come across the toy carnage . So , when I see the siblings of special needs children acting out , I try to put myself in their place , and try to understand what they may really be feeling . Day 21 - Timothy LOVES Disney movies ! He gets completely engrossed in the characters and wants to act out scenes from the movies . He really loves Toy Story , Cars , Wreck It Ralph , and Peter Pan . Since he loves pirates , Peter Pan is the movie he 's loved the longest . My concern , though , is that he always wants to be the villain . Therefore , Captain Hook makes frequent appearances at the Britt house . He 's even gone so far as to make himself a hook for his hand . He took a plastic hanger and snapped the hook part off and then used that to poke a hole in the bottom of a plastic cup . He was then able to put the cup with the hook , over his hand . One day , I pointed out what a great character Peter was and suggested that Timothy be someone other than the villain . He took my advice , just not the way I had hoped . I found Timothy wearing Payton 's tu - tu the next day . He was acting out the scene where Tinker Bell stands over the mirror and sees her hips . He did the hand measurement and finished the scene with the shocked face at the size of his hips . The next morning , I found him sitting in the floor shirtless and both legs in one side of his pajama pants . He was acting out the scene where the mermaids were sitting on a rock , flipping their tails . After seeing that , I told him that I changed my mind . Being Captain Hook was fine with me . Day 22 - I mentioned in the previous post that Timothy loves pirates . Actually , he 's obsessed with them . During his recovery from a traumatic brain injury , the Child Life Specialist at the rehab hospital asked him what toys he liked to play with . He replied , " Pirates " . When she asked him what else he would like to play with if she couldn 't find any he answered , " Pirates " . Thankfully , deep in their storage , she found some pirates and a pirate ship . Captain Hook is his favorite . His copy of Peter Pan is also an anniversary edition . At the end of the movie there 's a documentary on the making of the film . I imagine most children wouldn 't sit and watch that , but Timothy isn 't like most children . He not only watched it , he memorized it . One night , as Brian was going to say good night to Timothy , he heard him reciting it . He was sitting in the dark , rocking , and reciting the entire thing . Timothy was even doing the British accents from the actor interviews . His love for pirates runs deep . Even in his dreams , he 's Captain Hook . It 's not uncommon to hear him yell out in the middle of the night , " Blast you Peter Pan ! " One morning I woke him up and , in his best Captain Hook voice , he said , " Who dares to disturb my slumber ? " I often wonder what it would be like to take him to Disney World . Would it excite him to see all these characters that he loves so much or would it overwhelm him ? I don 't know but maybe one day we 'll find out . Day 23 - Timothy is a very sweet , loving child . It just may look a little different than other children . He 's not overly affectionate or a person prone to compliments . When he 's overwhelmed , he can be a little violent . Not fear for your safety violent , but enough to keep me on my toes . Once Timothy woke up after his brain injury and began moving around , I noticed that he was very affectionate . All throughout the day he would ask me to come closer so he could hug me . He would tell me that he loved me or that I was beautiful . It wasn 't just me though . As we made our way down the hallways of the rehab hospital , he would stop people and say , " You look like you need a hug . " This was all very new to me . I heard over and over from personnel at the hospital that the goal was to get Timothy as close to baseline as possible , meaning as close the way he was before the fall as possible . I would joke with them and say , " I 'm ok if not everything goes back to baseline . " As I was discussing this with one of his therapists she told me that normally traumatic brain injuries can have the opposite effect . She told me how children with the sweetest dispositions before their injury became angry and difficult after . Now the opposite was happening with Timothy . We both became curious how big of a role his autism played in the difference . Either way , I just kept telling people that I was going to enjoy it while it lasted . It did last for a couple of weeks . Then one day I made Timothy do something in therapy that he didn 't like and I got bopped on the head . After that , the hugs and compliments diminished . So while it was just for a couple of weeks , it was fun while it lasted . Day 24 - Being at a rehab hospital in Atlanta was difficult for Timothy . Routine and familiar surroundings are important to him . We both missed our family . I noticed bedtime was the most difficult for him . Timothy seemed to cry and ask to go home at bedtime more than any other time of day . Then it dawned on me why . Every night at bedtime , Brian prays with Timothy . It doesn 't happen the same way as it does with our other children though . Timothy always tells his daddy he wants to pray by himself . Then when Brian says he can , off to his room he goes . Brian waits a few minutes and then goes into Timothy 's room . When he asks Timothy what he prayed about , he begins to pray out loud . After he finishes , Brian prays . The same scene plays out night after night with Timothy pretending he doesn 't want his daddy to pray with him . I realized Timothy was sadder at bedtime because he really missed this prayer time with his daddy . Brian had questioned whether or not Timothy really wanted to have this time with him . When your child has autism , you have to learn how to read clues and then put all the pieces together . Our time in Atlanta showed me Timothy really does enjoy the time of prayer with his daddy . Day 25 - Confession time - I 'm a little jealous of moms of children with an easily recognized disability . I know it sounds weird , but let me explain . It 's not that I think these moms have an easier time having children with a particular diagnosis . I know people who have children with a wide range of disabilities , so I know there are many trials and difficulties no matter what the official title may be . The reason I 'm a little jealous is their diagnosis is easy to spot . I 've noticed when you know immediately that a child has a disability , your interaction with them is different . Your expectations of their behavior is modified . If they did something odd , you 're more likely to excuse it based on their disability . When you look at Timothy , you don 't immediately recognize his autism . The people who know him , are well aware of his physical and mental differences . Strangers , however , just see a " normal " boy . So , when he does things that are inappropriate or just plain odd , we get some terrible looks . I still fight the urge to explain to everyone he comes in contact with about his autism , not that I need to discipline him more or that I 'm a lazy parent . When he fell in August of 2012 and suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury , I got a glimpse of what it would be like . Before his hair grew back , you could easily see the large incision on the left side of his head . When we went out in public , I noticed that stranger 's expectations of him dropped and he was free to be himself . His hair has grown back now and his scar is less noticeable , but for a short time I got to experience what it was like to have strangers meet Timothy on his level . Day 26 - I mentioned in an earlier post how special Timothy 's friend , Maddie , is to us . After Timothy 's accident , she came to the hospital to visit him several times until he was sent to Atlanta . For one of her visits , Maddie went to the school 's library to find pirate books that he hadn 't seen yet so she could read to him . Timothy only lasted around five minutes after he agreed to let Maddie read the book . He became overwhelmed and began throwing himself around . Maddie apologized to me for upsetting him , but I assured her there was no reason to apologize . I asked Timothy several times if I could read him a book , but he always turned me down . Because of the special bond they share , Maddie was able to do something with Timothy that even I wasn 't able to do . Their friendship is such a beautiful thing to witness , I knew more people needed to know about it . I wanted the world to see how special their relationship is . When I contacted a local news station , they were eager to share their story . Here is a link to the news story : https : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = JhBJ35MQNmY Day 27 - Some mornings Timothy wakes up determined to do whatever it takes to completely frustrate me . I try to be determined to not let Timothy frustrate me . He does everything he can to push every button I have . As I dig my feet in , to prove I won 't lose my temper , he digs his in deeper . Then , when I can 't take it anymore , I lose my temper and start yelling . What makes it worse is that he usually laughs at me . Sometimes I cry . Sometimes , I get really frustrated with myself . There have been times that I 've wondered why God would choose me to be Timothy 's mother . Not because I don 't want to deal with him , but because I think surely there 's someone else who could do a much better job raising him . Someone with more patience , more experience . It 's a bad place to go . A place full of accusations and guilt . When I can 't trust my own thoughts , I have to trust what I know . God did choose me to be Timothy 's mother . If He chose me , He will equip me . When I feel I have messed up , I can find forgiveness and be filled again . Day 28 - I mentioned in an earlier post how difficult it can be on the siblings of a special needs child . While there are difficult times , there are also really special times . There are many things my children have learned by having Timothy in our family . They have learned to have compassion , learned to interact with someone who can be difficult , and learned to love sacrificially . I have witnessed many scenes of love for Timothy play out in our family . One time that stands out in particular took place on a trip to Atlanta for a follow up appointment . While we were at the doctor 's office , the fire alarms were being tested . I 've heard a lot of fire alarms in my day , but none as loud and obnoxious as this one . We had finished our appointment and were trying to schedule the next one when the alarms went off . Timothy immediately began to panic . He was screaming , crying , and trying to cover his ears . I had Zachary , Benjamin , and Payton with me as well , so when he tried to take off running , it made the scene very chaotic . I managed to grab on to Timothy 's coat before he could get too far away from me . I struggled to hang on to him while trying to get my other children to hurry out of the building . The alarm seemed to be just as loud outside of the building as it was on the inside . Timothy continued panicking and trying to run . We had to walk a little ways to get back to our van in the parking garage . I managed to keep my grip on his coat and keep track of my other children . Once we got inside the van , his meltdown continued . I tried to drive away as quickly as I could , reassuring him that we were far away from that terrible noise . My reassurances didn 't seem to calm him down . That 's when Zachary stepped up in a way that warmed my heart and made me so proud . Knowing Timothy 's love of animals , Zachary started talking to him about animals . Even as Timothy kept crying , Zachary kept going . Eventually Timothy started to listen more and more to Zachary talk about animals . Then he went from listening , to talking withDay 29 ( This story is from Timothy 's older sister , Tori ) - Timothy loves music ! When he hears a song with a good beat , he can 't resist the urge to dance and sing along . Whenever I drove Timothy anywhere , we would listen to my 80s playlist . If it wasn 't on when we got in , he made sure to ask for it . We would always roll the windows down , turn the music up , and sing along . If it was a song he knew , he would sing along with reckless abandon . If he didn 't know it , he would just play his air guitar and encourage my dramatic singing performance in the front seat . He would say , " Oh yeah ! That 's right . Sing it Tori . " Either way we 've always had a lot of fun jammin ' to 80s music together . Day 30 - Our family rented a house for the first year we lived in Tennessee . When the time came to buy a house , we tried to stay in the same district so Timothy wouldn 't have to change schools again . That didn 't work out however , and he had to change schools . I was nervous since Timothy had done so well at his new school . I quickly realized God knew exactly what he needed and put him with , in my opinion , the best Special Ed teacher and Teacher Assistants around ( Although , I 'm still getting to know the middle school teacher and assistants , I think they 're pretty fabulous as well ! ) . Timothy clicked with them right away and his learning continued . They were so invested in him and helping him learn everything he could . Even while he was in the hospital recovering from his Traumatic Brain Injury , they came to see him . They didn 't just come visit though . They had taken pictures of all his teachers and students from his Regular Ed and Special Ed classes to help him remember the people in his life . They put together some of his favorite activities that would also help with his recovery . His last day at Rock Springs Elementary was very sad for all of us . I had grown to love these beautiful women . At his 5th grade graduation party , Mrs . Martz played video she made of his years with them . We were all emotional . Our lives will forever be better because of Mrs . Martz , Mrs . Dangerfield , Ms . Susan , and Ms . Emily . Day 31 - As I wrap up this project , I want to share some final thoughts with all of you . What does autism look like in our family ? It is frustrating , exhausting , heartbreaking , and difficult . It 's also rewarding , joy filled , hilarious , and life changing . Would I have chosen this path on my own ? Probably not . Most of us , if given the choice , would want our days to be easy . I have learned that through the most difficult trials can come the greatest blessings . I used to say that I was blessed to have healthy children . I am no less blessed to have Timothy than my other children . Mostly , I am blessed because God is at work in our lives . He is using difficult circumstances to teach us how to be more like Him . My hope is that through reading our stories , you know a little more about our day - to - day life with autism . I also hope that if your life has been touched by autism , you have been inspired to share your story . Whether it 's one a day like I did , once a week , or just once , all that matters is that you share . Our children have so much to offer the world , but how will they know if we don 't tell them . Bonus Video - My husband , Brian , and I put together a video of pictures from Timothy 's life thus far . We enjoyed looking back and seeing how much he 's grown and remembering all that the Lord has brought him through . You can 't really see in these pictures how sick he actually was as a baby . I also don 't have pictures from all of his surgeries and procedures . I think the words of this song say it best - In December , our pastor preached from a passage in 1 Samuel . I 've always like the story of Hannah , but this day was different . Our pastor talked about Hannah 's prayer for a child and then promising to give him back to the Lord . He talked about how God used Samuel to call out King David and later how Jesus was born of that lineage . It all began with the heartfelt prayer of a mother . That morning , the Lord reminded me of a prayer I prayed many years before . I was a new Christian as well as a young , single mother . While learning under the preaching of Al Gilbert and the mentoring from his wife , KK , God began to develop a passion for missions in me . I really wanted God to call me to the mission field , but I knew that I wasn 't supposed to go . I remember clearly one Sunday when I felt God asking me to pray for Tori . She was just a baby at the time . That morning I prayed , telling the Lord that if He wanted to call my child to the mission field , I would do everything I could to raise her with a passion for the world and that I wouldn 't try to keep her with me . I never told her about that prayer , or anyone else that I can remember . The call needed to be from the Lord and not from me . I watched over the years as the Lord molded and shaped the heart of my girl . Now , as I sat in our church , I was seeing the answer to that prayer unfold . God did call my daughter to the mission field . We were deep in preparations to send her to the other side of the world . My heart ached as I thought about fulfilling my promise not to try to keep her with me . One of my daughter 's favorite foods is a strawberry smoothie . In the time leading up to her leaving , I made sure that we had enough supplies on hand that she could have one every morning if she wanted . On our final morning together , I asked her if she wanted a smoothie . She told me that she did but that she could make herself . " I 'll make it for you . " I replied . She thanked me and walked away . In my mind I finished the thought , " Because tomorrow I can 't . " While I 've always enjoyed the story of Hannah and Samuel , I look at through a different perspective now . When reading the part that talks about how Hannah made a coat for Samuel each year , I feel like I know some of the emotions that went into making it . I wonder how many tears joined with the material in the making of each coat . Tears of joy as well as sadness . After my daughter left , I found pleasure in being able to do things for her , even though she was so far away . Putting away her laundry , making her bed ( the morning she left was really busy ) , and being her secretary so to speak all became ways to show her love until my arms can reach her again . I 'm not comparing myself to Hannah or my daughter to Samuel . However , I do take comfort in Hannah 's story . Her love for God and the way she trusted Him is a testimony to us all . So many emotions went along with sending my daughter off . Joy in seeing her serve the Lord . Sadness at the thought of not being able to see her for so long . Excitement when I thought about how much she 'll grow in her relationship with the Lord through this journey . God has been telling His story all throughout history . He invites us to be a part of it . It isn 't always easy , but it is always worth it . |
One of the most difficult advocacy skills to effectively teach is motions practice . I 've tried several different ways to deal with this over the years , each with varying levels of success . It has been difficult to find a structure that allows for the proper development of pretrial motion argument skills without becoming consumed by the types of evidentiary issues that often overshadow the actual presentation performance . I asked two members of the Stetson Trial Team , Kristin Johnson and Jessie Weissman , to take a fact pattern in a date rape case and address the admissibility of potential character evidence ( I 'll put that information that I gave them at the end of this post ) . I gave them the facts , told them to pick the evidentiary issue they needed to address , file a motion with the court ( me ) and then we would set a time to argue it . This is the result : The students were concerned because they felt that they did not perform perfectly , that they were not completely sure how to respond to the court , and how to structure the argument . Now these two young ladies are excellent advocates and some of the best that Stetson has to offer and I found their work in this exercise to be fine from an advocacy perspective - but that wasn 't really what I needed to teach . I needed to help them connect the skills they were using to the big picture , I just didn 't know that when we started the process . After the exercise we discussed the law and the relevant advocacy skills , but the real teaching moment became a mentoring process of how to deal with the uncertainty of motions practice . Structuring the argument , reading the judge , knowing when to hold them and when to fold them in light of your overall case theory and analysis were all part of the discussion . It allowed for a teaching experience that holistically addressed all of the various pieces of the process , teaching them in connection to one another and to the law . I don 't know about you , but those are the teaching moments that I look forward to . I would love to hear how others have approached teaching motions practice . Till next time , My name is detective Billie Stevens . I am attached to the State U Police department . I have been a detective for the past seven years , having cross - trained from the fireman career field . For the past three years , I have primarily been assigned to investigate what is commonly referred to as " crimes of passion " . During this period , I have personally investigated ten cases involving allegations of rape , and approximately a half - dozen cases involving allegations of aberrant sexual misconduct . I have attended various educational courses and seminars involving the subject matter of rape and aberrant sexual misconduct and , on occasion , have served as a guest lecturer on both topics . I was the case agent . I was first contacted on Tuesday , 11 Jul 200X - 1 , regarding this matter when the clinic notified us me about a rape complaint by Beth Tucker allegedly committed by David Lewis . Both persons are currently students at State U . Late that evening , I managed to contact the accused 's residence advisor and requested he locate Lewis and escort him to the police station . The RA told me Lewis had been up for almost 48 hours working on a term paper that was due that day . He wanted to know if it would be possible to allow Lewis to get some much needed sleep ; I advised the RA that it was absolutely imperative that I see Lewis immediately . Approximately one hour later , at 1 : 10 AM , the RA escorted Lewis to my office . Lewis maintained that he had no idea why I wanted to see him , and why it couldn 't wait until morning ; he complained that he was very tired and not feeling well . I told Lewis that I understood that he was tired but that I had some questions that had to be asked immediately , and that he would have to gut it out . In my opinion , Lewis did not appear to be particularly tired or otherwise psychologically stressed in any way . I asked the RA to have a seat outside my office , Lewis agreed to allow me to interview him . I further advised Lewis that Tucker had accused him of having raped her approximately one week ago , and that at this point he was , indeed , a suspect . The first thing that Lewis said was " Oh , man , I knew that girl was going to be trouble . " I asked him what he meant by that statement , and he replied " Nothing … just forget it . " Lewis proceeded to advise me that prior to the evening in question , he really didn 't know the victim very well . He indicated that he had seen her several times at various social events , but that he had never really been close to her , had never dated her , and did not so much as even consider her a friend . Lewis did indicate that he knew of the victim ; that is , he was of the opinion based upon what other persons had suggested , that the victim had a reputation for being a sexually promiscuous person . When I asked Lewis who , specifically he had heard this from , he just shrugged and said it was pretty much common knowledge . He did not specifically attribute his knowledge of the victim 's alleged questionable reputation to any particular person . Lewis maintains that he attended a party on the evening of the fourth of July ; the party was held in the dorm room of Michael King . According to Lewis , there were approximately 15 people at the party , when he arrived at approximately 10 PM . According to the accused , Tucker arrived shortly thereafter . Lewis maintains that he engaged the victim in small talk during the course of the evening . Later in the evening , Lewis maintained that the victim approached him , and began complaining about some problems she was having with her boyfriend who was back home earning money for school . Lewis claimed that he tried to dispel the victim 's obvious concern over her problems with her boyfriend . According to Lewis , Tucker was not in the mood to listen to reason . Rather , according to the accused , Tucker solicited him to join her after the party " for a private party " of their own . According to Lewis , he took this clearly to mean that Tucker was interested in engaging him in sexual relations . According to Lewis , he and Tucker agreed to meet in her room approximately 30 minutes after she had left the party . Lewis claims that she was " concerned for her reputation " and didn 't want people to see them leaving together . In fact , Lewis told me that he and Tucker agreed that they would engage in a charade for " appearance " purposes , in that Lewis would specifically ask her in the presence of others whether she wanted to get together later that evening , and that she would politely decline , stating she was too tired . According to Lewis , he waited approximately 30 minutes and then proceeded to Tucker 's room , which was located downstairs in the same building as the party . Lewis claimed that he knocked softly on her door , and that she directed him to enter the room . According to Lewis , she was lying on her bed , in provocative repose , wearing only a very short nightshirt . Lewis claims that the room was dimly lit by a single lamp on the side of the bed , and he went over to the bed and sat down . According to Lewis , at this time Tucker pulled up her nightshirt , exposed ha bare breasts , and Lewis began to fondle her . According to Lewis one thing led to another and , in a very short time , they were involved in the act of intercourse . Lewis claims that Tucker took the initiative throughout the sexual encounter , and that she insisted on " being rough " according to Lewis . According to Lewis , they spent approximately 20 to 30 minutes in bed together , Lewis admitted to me that he ejaculated , although he claims to have withdrawn his penis from her vagina just prior to climaxing . Lewis maintains that before he left the room , Tucker told him that she did not intend to continue this relationship , and that this had to be their own little secret . The accused was reluctant to share these details with me and it took me a fairly long period of time to draw them out . Lewis claimed that he was basically a quiet , reserved person , and that he was embarrassed to discuss these intimate details with anyone . He also indicated that he was extremely tired , and that he would like to get some sleep . I told Lewis that I understood how this might be a little embarrassing for him , but that it was extremely important for him to tell the truth . I told him that although I could not make him any promises regarding the disposition of this matter , that it was my definite experience that it was always better to tell the truth , and that those persons who told the truth usually received more favorable treatment by the system . I told him that if he wanted to discontinue the interview , we could , however , I thought we only needed a few more minutes to wrap it up . He agreed that , even though he was very tired , he would rather just get it out of the way at that time . As I recall , this occurred at approximately 0300 on Wednesday morning , 12 July 200X - 1 . I then prepared a written statement for Lewis ' signature based upon all the information he had provided me . I asked him to review the information contained in the statement and that , if it was true and correct , he should sign it under oath . After reviewing the information , at approximately 5 AM , he indicated that it was accurate , and he swore to the truthfulness of the statement just prior to signing his name . As is my custom and routine , before I dismissed Lewis , I asked him whether there was anything that he wished to share with me before he left . Lewis seemed a little hesitant and undecided . I again encouraged him that it would be in his best interests to be totally truthful ; however , I did not promise him any deal or preferential treatment . It was at this time that Lewis stated to me that " . . . I didn 't rape her , she was the one that wanted it . You gotta believe me . We may have had some rough sex , but she was the one who put the whole thing together . " At this point , I asked Lewis if he would be willing to amend his earlier written statement to include what he had just told me ; he thought for a moment and said , " Well , I 'm really not all that sure about it , and besides , I think I better talk to a lawyer . " I then immediately terminated the interrogation . Over the past year or so , I 've heard some of the guys talking about Beth Tucker . The scuttlebutt and rumors pretty much has it that she 's pretty loose and likes to party . What I mean is that she has a reputation for being sexually promiscuous . In the past , I 've even heard that she really enjoys rough sex . However , before the last fourth of July , I never knew this for sure , and quite frankly , never really paid that much attention to any of it . I live in the dorms directly across the parking lot from Beth Tucker 's dorms . Since Tuesday , the fourth of July was a holiday , a bunch of us were just hanging out during the day ; someone mentioned that King was going to have a party that night , and that several of the women who lived in the dorms would probably be there . One of my friends , Todd Stewart , mentioned that he was going to the party , and suggested I join him . King lives in the same dorm as Beth Tucker . Around 10 : 00 that evening , I decided to go across the parking lot and see what was going on at the party . I walked up to the second floor , and when I got to King 's room , I noticed there were about 15 people there . I either knew or recognized almost everyone at the party . When I got there , I noticed that Stewart was already there , and we sat down together and had a couple of beers . About this time , Beth Tucker came in . She was wearing a pair of satin shorts and a loose - fitting T - shirt . I noticed that she was real friendly with several of the guys at the party ; I saw her greet some of the guys with a hug and a kiss . A little while later , Beth Tucker came over and said hello to both Stewart and me . At this time , Stewart excused himself and Beth Tucker and I had a casual conversation . She mentioned that she remembered meeting me at a softball game and at a party at the lake . While we were talking , she was drinking what I think was a rum and coke . She did not appear to be intoxicated ; however , it did seem that she was having a good time . After my conversation with Beth Tucker , I noticed that she went over and was talking to Paul Frye . At the time , I had no idea what they were talking about , although it appeared to me that whatever Frye told Tucker had gotten Tucker really excited . I couldn 't make out the words , but Tucker was obviously pleased . After her brief conversation with Frye , Tucker immediately left the party . I pretty much just continued to mingle with the guests , and knock off a couple of more beers . The party got a little slow , and I walked out in the hall and headed to the day room . The TV was already on , and I just sat down and watched MTV . After 10 or 15 minutes , I decided I 'd head back down to the party . As I walked out of the common room , Tucker was walking down the hall . I asked her if she was going back to the party . Tucker said something like , " Yeah , take me back down there and I 'll show you how to party . " When we got back to the party we each went our own way . I noticed that Tucker was talking to a couple of her friends , and that she knocked off at least two rum and cokes in a hurry . I didn 't know exactly what her problem was , but for the next 15 or 20 minutes she kept looking over at me with a very sexy smile . I 'm not making this up ; you can ask Stewart . Tucker waved at me to come over to her and I did . We talked a while and she told me she was upset with her boyfriend because he found time to call his roommate and coworkers more than he did her . I suggested that we dance , that it would help take her mind off her problems . We danced a couple of fast songs ; although the music was fairly loud , we carried on a little conversation during our dances . She was still obviously upset with her boyfriend . At this point , a slow song came on , and she threw her arms around me and brought her body very close to mine . She told me that she thought she 'd made a big mistake being totally faithful to her boyfriend . . . something about him not knowing what a good thing he had . She then told me , " I 'm not going to let that bastard take advantage of me . " As she rubbed my shoulders , she whispered in my ear , " How about we go to my room and have our own private party ? " I could hardly believe my ears ; I told her , " That works for me . " The song ended and she said , " give me 30 minutes , then meet me in my room downstairs , number 134 . . . I 'll leave the door unlocked . " She went around the party saying goodbye to friends . At this time , I asked Tucker , in the presence of her friends , as we had agreed , whether she wanted to spend some time with me after the party . . . she said , " No , I 'm tired . " She left the room and went down the hall , towards the end of the building . I walked away from the door and Stewart came up to me and said something like , " Good try - - maybe next time . " I told Stewart exactly what had happened , and what the arrangement really was , at which time he told me , " I told you so . " After talking to Stewart I left the party and went down the center stairs by King 's room . When I reached the bottom of the stairs , I glanced down the hall and saw Tucker at the other end of the hallway . Before she reached her room I continued around the stairwell and headed for the day room . I passed one guy coming from the other wing ; we said hi . When I got to the day room , there was another guy there watching TV ; I just sat down to kill some time . I waited about 30 minutes , then went down the hall to Tucker 's room . There was no one else in the hall at the time . I knocked real soft and said , " Hey , it 's me . " I tried the door and it was unlocked . I opened the door and peeked in ; she was lying on the bed . She said to come on in . I locked the door when I went in . There was a lamp on , but it was very low . I went over to the bed and sat down . She pulled up her gown , and I began kissing her and touching her breasts . After a few minutes , I took off my shorts and underwear and got on top of her . She began to moan loudly , and I put my hand over her mouth so no one would hear her . She seemed to get even more excited , and was moving around even harder , hitting at me , she even hit me in the face a couple of times . I was really worried that someone was going to hear us . We had sex for a few more minutes . Just at the point that I was about to climax , I withdrew my penis from her vagina and ejaculated all over her bed sheet and her nightgown , which was lying on top of the bed . She was upset with me for messing up her bedding . Afterward , we just laid there together for a couple of minutes , catching our breath . I told her it was very good , but I hoped that no one heard us . Tucker appeared to be very concerned ; for the first time , she told me that she wasn 't exactly sure where her relationship with her boyfriend was going , and told me this was a one - time deal , and that I was not to " tell a soul " . I got dressed and I left . I don 't remember if the light was on or off when I left . When I left Tucker 's room , I ran in to Stewart . As we were walking together across the parking lot to our dorm , Stewart asked how it was , and I said , " It was good , " and he said something like " They all say that . " POLICE INTERVIEW - BETH TUCKER : Last Tuesday , 4 Jul 200X - 1 , I went downtown to watch the fireworks with some of my friends . We got back to the dorm around 10 PM . Michael King was having a party in his room , so I went up to see who was there . People were drinking and dancing . I had some drinks , my usual amount , 3 rum and cokes . I saw Paul Frye and he said he had talked with my boyfriend , John Douglas . He told me John would call me on the weekend . Paul and John are roommates . I also saw my best friend , Tracy Smith . I went to her room to see her . When I was walking back to the party I saw David Lewis . He asked me if I was going back to the party and I said yes . He put his arm around me , but I told him my boyfriend wouldn 't like that . Lewis came up to me again at the party , and put his arm around me and asked me to dance . I didn 't want to , and I looked over at Tracy , but she told me to go ahead and have a good time , it was just a dance . We danced to a couple of songs , then a slow dance . After that I talked with King , and Lewis wouldn 't take his arm from around my shoulders . I had to work the next day , so I left the party around 0100 and went to my room . On the way Lewis asked me if I wanted to party in his room , and I told him no , I was tired . I didn 't see anyone in the hallway when I got to my room . I was asleep when Lewis came into my room . I asked him what was he doing there , but he didn 't say anything . He got on the bed with me , and said " Let 's party now . I know you like it . " I told him no , but he got angry and said " Now ! " he put his hand on my mouth and got on top of me , and he was touching me . I tried to get away , and I think I kicked him , but he was choking me with his hand on my mouth . He pulled his gym shorts down and used his knee to get between my legs . He stayed on top of me , and he was holding my right arm and hand down . I hit him with my left hand and tried to push him off , but he was too big . I hit him in the face . When he was done he said " that was so good baby " in a sarcastic kind of voice . Then he told me I 'd better not tell anyone . After he was gone I was crying and I didn 't know what to do . I stayed in my room , took a shower and got dressed . Then took my bed sheets and nightshirt and put them in the washer in the laundry room . I went to Tracy 's room and told her what happened . She wanted me to call the cops but I didn 't want John to find out . When John called me that weekend I tried to act normal , but he could tell something was wrong , so I told him what had happened . He was real angry , just like I knew he would be , but then he calmed down and asked me if I was OK , and if I had reported it to the cops . I told him I was afraid and he said he 'd call the cops if I didn 't . My name is Todd Stewart . I attend State U . I have been here for approximately 14 months . I have known David Lewis since first getting to State U . He and I live in the same dorm . I don 't know Beth Tucker personally , but I know who she is ; I see her around and at some of the parties . I have never dated Tucker . I have heard some rumors about her sexual activities . On the fourth of July , which was a holiday , I was just hanging out with friends . Sometime during the day , I heard that there would be a party in the dorm across the parking lot from us in King 's room . That is the dorm where Tucker lives . I mentioned this to Lewis , and told him we should check it out because some of the women who lived in that dorm would probably be there . I went over to King 's dorm around 9 : 30 that night to check out the party . Lewis came in a while later . He sat down with me and we were drinking beer and talking . Some time after that , Tucker came in , wearing shorts and a T - shirt . While Lewis and I were talking , I mentioned to him some of the rumors I had heard about Tucker - - that she was usually available for sex , and she liked it kind of rough , and I laughed and said I heard she was a screamer . Lewis showed some interest , and asked me if Tucker had a boyfriend . I told him her boyfriend had been back home since about last May , but I didn 't think that should make any difference ; rumors said she was available with or without a boyfriend . While Lewis and I were talking about her , I saw Tucker going around the room saying hi to her friends , and exchanging friendly hugs and kisses with some of the guys . After a while , Tucker came over and said hello to me and Lewis . I left to get a beer . She had a drink in her hand at the time , but I don 't know what it was . She didn 't seem to be drunk just laughing and having fun with her friends . Some time after that I noticed that she wasn 't at the party any more . I was still just drinking beer and hanging out . Some time passed , 20 to 30 minutes maybe , and I saw Tucker with some of her friends , talking . By this time , I was sitting with Lewis again , talking . For quite some time , 20 minutes or so , while Tucker was with her friends , she kept looking at Lewis and smiling . I asked him what was up , it looked like she had the hots for him or something . He didn 't say anything . I left again , roaming around the party and talking . Later , I saw Tucker and Lewis talking together . When she walked off , I went over to Lewis to see what was up . He told me Tucker was really upset with her boyfriend because he couldn 't seem to find time to call her , but he could find the time to call his roommate and all his male friends . Lewis told me he had tried to tell her it was like that how he worked long hours and didn 't have time , stuff like that . I told Lewis I thought Tucker was sending out some good signals , what was he going to do about it ? He told me he wasn 't sure he should do any thing , he might look like a fool later . Some time after that , I saw Lewis and Tucker dancing together . They danced two or three fast cuts , then a slow song . They looked very comfortable during the slow song , talking with their heads close together . A short time after that , I saw Tucker and Lewis at the door of King 's room . I 'm not exactly sure what Lewis said , but I heard Tucker tell him she was tired . After she walked off , I went over to Lewis and told him something like " better luck next time " . He grinned , and told me he and Tucker had a date to meet in her room later ; they were just being cool for her friends . I said " I told you so " . Then Lewis headed down the stairs . It was about 45 minutes to an hour later when I was going down the stairs to leave the dorm that I saw Lewis coming out of Tucker 's room , towards the end of the hall . I walked towards him and he walked towards me . It was 1 : 30 . I said something like , " imagine running into you down here . " He told me to be quiet . We were talking while we walked across the parking lot to our dorm ; and he said it was good , or something like that , and I told him that I 'd heard that before . I assumed Lewis was referring to having sex with Tucker . The Saturday after the 4th of July I was talking to my girlfriend , Beth Tucker . She is at State U . I could tell something was wrong from the tone of her voice , and I asked her a couple of times what was bothering her . At first she didn 't say anything , but then she started crying and told me she had been raped by David Lewis . At first I was real angry and yelled at her , and I asked her how could she let something like that happen . Or was she drunk or something . She said that he came into her room and held his hand over her mouth while he raped her . She said she couldn 't get him off her , that she kicked him and even scratched him in the face . She was crying really hard and kept repeating she didn 't know how it could have happened . After a while I calmed down and asked her if she was all right , but she didn 't say anything . Then I asked her if she had reported it to the cops and she said , " No , I 'm afraid . " That didn 't make any sense to me so I told her to take Tracy Smith with her to the cops . I told her if she didn 't call them , I would call from here . I tried to tell her every thing would be all right between us , and that she really needed to go to the cops . I had to go to work then so we said goodbye to each other . I haven 't talked to her since then but I plan to call her this weekend . TRACY L . SMITH DEPOSITION TESTIMONY I am Tracy L . Smith . I attend State U . have known Beth Tucker since freshman rush . I would say she is my best friend and I am her best friend . I know the accused , David Lewis , but not very well . I 've seen him at some parties on campus . On Tuesday , 4 July , I went to the fireworks show with Tucker and some other friends . We got back around 10 p . m . I was in my room reading when Tucker came to my room . It was about 10 : 30 p . m . She was pretty excited because she said Paul Frye told her that her boyfriend would be calling on the weekend . Her boyfriend is John Douglas , and he was back home . She wanted me to join her at this party down the hall , so I told her maybe I would go after a while . I did go on to the party . It was in Mike King 's room . There probably were 15 or 20 people there . I saw David Lewis there . He seemed to be drinking a lot . I know I saw him take a shot of tequila , but he was mainly drinking beer . I saw Lewis ask Tucker to dance , and she didn 't want to . She looked over at me with this look on her face , like " What should I do ? " So I told her to just go on and dance and have a good time . I also thought that if she danced once with Lewis maybe he would find someone else to dance with after that . Tucker danced with Lewis for several songs , and the last one was a slow dance , so I saw him pull her real close . Afterward he had his arm around her when they were talking with Mike King . I could not hear that conversation . I left the party about midnight . I saw Beth the next morning in the dining hall . I got there about 0615 . I saw Beth sitting by herself at a table drinking coffee . I thought that was odd because I have never seen her drink coffee before . She looked tired . I figured she 'd talked to her boyfriend on the phone and they 'd had a fight or something and broke up . Her boyfriend is John Douglas and he 's back home . I sat down at the table across from her . She was calm ; she was just staring off into space . I asked her what was wrong . She said " nothing " but I knew something was wrong . I asked her several times and finally she said she didn 't want to talk about it . She wasn 't crying , but you could tell she was upset . Her voice quaked when she answered my questions . I knew something was terribly wrong . I told her I wasn 't leaving until she told me what was bothering her . Finally , she told me that David Lewis had raped her . I couldn 't believe it . I kept asking her what she was talking about , what had happened , and finally she tells me that David Lewis had raped her . I think her exact words were , " David just raped me . " I was really shocked . But then I told her she had to call the cops , that she had to be examined at the hospital . I tried for 20 - 30 minutes to get her to go to the hospital , but she wouldn 't go . She said , " I don 't want anyone to know . They 'll think I was fooling around on John . " She made me promise not to tell anyone , and I didn 't until the detectives called me . I made a special effort to look for Lewis the next day when our two dorms were supposed to play intramural softball against each other . I didn 't talk to him , but I saw where he had a scratch or a mark on his face , on the right side . I was sitting in the bleachers and I saw his face when he went up to bat and turned around when someone yelled at him . I think Tucker was drinking at the party . She normally drinks rum and coke . She did not appear to be drunk to me , and I 've seen her drunk before . She was dressed pretty much the same as everyone else . She had on shorts and a T - shirt . I do have a message board on the door to my dorm room . There might have been a message on it the morning after the party , but I was so tired I really didn 't pay any attention to it . When I saw Lewis at the softball game he appeared to be acting normally . I would not know what to expect from someone in his shoes . It did not appear that Tucker was enjoying the close dance with Lewis . She looked kind of stiff . She had her arms around him , and he had his arms around her . I could not see her face the whole time they danced . I do not know if she said anything to him while they danced . I left the party a few minutes later . My name is Beth Tucker . I am 21 years old . I am 5 feet , 6 inches tall . I weigh 135 pounds . I am attending State U . I have been here for one year . I live in the Camelia Dorms , Building 1479 , Room 134 . I know the accused , David Lewis . I have seen him working . I think he lives in the dorm across the street from by dorm . I estimate he is not quite 6 feet tall and probably weighs about 175 pounds . This is based on comparing him to my brother who is about the same size as Lewis . David Lewis is definitely a lot bigger than I am . On Tuesday , 4 July 200X - 1 , I did not go to class . In the evening I went with some friends to the fireworks show downtown . We got back to the dorm around 10 PM . There was a party in Michael King 's room , number 220 , so I went up there . His room is on the second floor and my room is on the first floor . I drank 3 rum and cokes at the party . There were about 15 people at the party . I knew all of them but maybe two people . I talked with Paul Frye at the party . He is my boyfriend 's roommate . My boyfriend is John Douglas . He has been back home for the last semester earning money to come back to school . I don 't know for sure when he is supposed to come back but he said it would hopefully be before Christmas . Paul told me that he had talked with John and John was going to call me on the weekend . That made me feel good and I went to tell my best friend , Tracy Smith . I went to her room to talk with her . I was there about 15 minutes , then went back to the party . On my way back , Lewis stopped me and said , " Hey , are you going back to the party ? " I told him I was , and he put his arm around me . I pushed him away , and he said , " Aw , come on . " I told him my boyfriend wouldn 't like that , and he put his arm down . Then we both went back to the party . About an hour later , Lewis came up to me and put his arm around me again and asked if I wanted to dance . I didn 't know what to do , so I looked over at Tracy , but she said to go and dance and have a good time . I danced to two fast songs with Lewis , then a slow song came on , and before I could get away he had his arm around me and pulled me in real close for the dance . After that I wanted to talk to King so I went over to where he was standing . Lewis stayed with me , with his arm still around my shoulder . I left the party about 1 AM . I had to be at work at 10 AM for a 12 - hour shift , and I was tired . Lewis stopped me at the door as I was leaving , and asked me , " Wanna party in my room ? " I told him , " No I 'm tired . " When I walked away he was still standing by the door . I went to Tracy 's room , number 231 , and wrote a note on her message board . Her room is on the same floor as King 's room , where the party was , but at the other end of the hall . I then went down the stairs near Tracy 's room and directly to my room . When I got to my door I looked down the hall for a second , towards the doorway that leads to the day room . After I did not see anyone I opened my door and went in . I had left my door unlocked when I went to the party . The reason I looked down the hall is because the hall light at my end of the hall was burned out at the time and it was a little dark outside my room . Before going to bed I went through my normal routine . I took off my clothes and put on a nightshirt , washed my face and brushed my hair , then got into bed . I was tired so I didn 't try to read or anything . I just went to sleep . I woke up when I heard the door open and someone came into my room . I did not hear a knock . I just woke up . I don 't know what time it was , I didn 't look at the clock . I reached up and turned on the lamp by the bed and I could see it was Lewis in my room . I asked him , " What are you doing here ? " but he didn 't say anything . He moved real quickly to my bed and sat down right next to me and sort of leaned over me . Then he said , " Let 's do it now . I know you like to party . " I told him , " No , " but he said " Now " in a real angry voice , and he scared me . He put his hand over my mouth and started to get on top of me , kneeling on the bed with his knees next to my thighs . He yanked the sheet down and pulled my nightshirt up . He put his free hand on my breasts and was fondling them . I tried to roll over and get away , but he was too big and strong . His left hand was real tight on my mouth and I was afraid I was choking . He pulled his shorts and underwear down with one hand , and kept the other hand on my mouth . He was wearing gym shorts and a T - shirt . He put his knee between my legs and forced them apart . He lay down on top of me , and put his penis inside me , inside my vagina His penis was erect . I tried to kick him , but he was too heavy . I tried to push him away but I couldn 't . He was inside me for a few minutes . He held my right hand down with his left hand . I tried to push him with my left hand but I couldn 't . I remember I hit him in the face at least one time . After he was done , he said to me , " That was so good baby . " He stayed on top of me for several minutes , then he got up , and pulled his shorts . Then he leaned over and told me , " Don 't tell a soul . " His voice was a whisper but it sounded fierce and scary . I think he was in my room about half an hour . After he left I was upset and crying . I couldn 't sit still . About two hours passed , I think , then I took a shower and got dressed in shorts and a T - shirt . I took the sheets off my bed and took them to the washing machine in the laundry room . I put my nightshirt in the wash too . Then I went to Tracy 's room . It took a while to get Tracy to come to the door . She had been asleep . I told her , " I have to talk to you , " but she said she was very tired and wanted to know if it could wait until morning . I told her , " It can 't wait . " She let me into her room and I sat down on her bed . I started crying again and said , " I can 't believe it happened . " Tracy wanted to know what I was talking about , and I told her that Lewis raped me . I think I said , " Dave raped me . " Tracy was real shocked and she began to cry too . She told me I had to call the cops , that I had to go to the hospital . I did not want to go to the hospital or tell the cops because I didn 't want John to find out . She argued with me , but I couldn 't bring myself to go . My boyfriend called me on the weekend . I tried to act normal , but I couldn 't , and I started crying again . I told John that Lewis raped me , and he got very angry . He wanted to know if I had reported it to the cops but I told him I was afraid . He told me that if I didn 't report it , he would call the cops himself . I didn 't go to class the next Monday . I still was upset and not feeling well . My residence advisor tried to talk to me about it , but I didn 't say anything . After lunch I went to the hospital , and told my friend Lesley Hill what happened . Hill took me to the OB / GYN clinic and told another tech there what happened to me . They did a physical examination at the hospital . I still had some bruises above my knees that you could see . The bruises were about the size of a half - dollar . I think I had a couple on each leg . I 'm sure they came from Lewis . I did not encourage Lewis in any way that night . I did not want to have sex with him . I tried to fight him off , but he was too big . I told him " No " several times . I do not remember screaming while Lewis was in my room . I don 't know if anyone was in the rooms next to mine , but I suppose there was someone there . He had his hand over my mouth the entire time so I couldn 't scream . The light next to my bed was off when I went to sleep . I turned it off . I turned it on when he came into my room . The light was off when he left ; I don 't remember how it got turned off . I spoke to Lewis once at a softball game when our dorm played his dorm . I also saw him at a party at the lake , but I didn 't talk to him . Once in a while we said " hi " to each other in the dining hall . I have had other boyfriends besides Douglas . I dated King - - who had the party that night - - a year ago , for only a few months . We had a sexual relationship . He still is a good friend of mine . I might have said something to him after dancing with Lewis like " Hi sweetie , " but I didn 't mean anything by it . I do not have any other boyfriends now . John and I are dating exclusively , meaning we agreed we would not see anyone else . I trust John and I 'm sure he trusts me . I did not tell Lewis to take his arm away from my shoulders after we danced . I don 't know why I didn 't tell him , but I didn 't like it . When Lewis asked me if I wanted to party in his room , all I told him was that I was tired . I did not say anything about my boyfriend . I think I remember Lewis saying to me as I left the party , something like " I 'll see you later . " It didn 't mean anything to me , and I could have said something like , " Yeah , later . " I didn 't mean anything specific , just that I would probably see him somewhere on base sometime . I definitely did not give him my room number . In my barracks there are no nameplates on the doors identifying the occupants . My dorm room must have been unlocked when Lewis came in . Normally I lock my room when I go to sleep , but sometimes I forget . I must have forgotten that night . I was not wearing panties when I got into bed that night . Sometimes I wear them and sometimes I don 't , especially in the summer . I was not drunk that night . Three drinks are my normal amount . I don 't know what Lewis was drinking and I don 't know how much he had to drink . I am sure he was drinking because I smelled it on his breath . Tracy Smith is my best friend . I tell her everything , and she tells me everything . I have told her secrets before , expecting her to keep them secret . The note I wrote on Tracy 's message board was to call me when she got off from work the next day . Ronald H . ClarkNovember 1 , 2011 at 11 : 44 AMThanks so much for this blog , which I follow , and the articles . Learning both writing and oral advocacy skills for pretrial motions is critical to preparing law students to hit the ground running when they pass the bar . Your article was timely because next week students in my Comprehensive Pretrial class will argue a motion to compel in practice sessions as they prepare to finish the course with either a criminal suppression motion or motion for partial summary judgment before a superior court judge . That final pretrial motion argument is the highlight and culmination of the course . Thanks for sharing your materials . Judge Lukens , my co - instructor , and I use the case files and assignments that are included in Pretrial Advocacy published by Aspen ( I 'm a co - author ) . See www . aspenadvocacybooks . com for full information . ReplyDeleteCharlie RoseNovember 1 , 2011 at 11 : 53 AMRonald : I 've seen your Aspen book and it is a great one . Thanks for sharing . If you 'd like to guest post some time we would be happy to make that happen . Let me know if you want to come down for our EATS conference this year . We intend to have a separate pretrial section with specific programs if we get enough interest . Thanks ! ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . This blog is a cooperative venture among courtroom advocacy teachers and coaches . It is your comments and your articles that are its life . Comments , drawn from your experience , broaden our collective perspective . And they 're easy to do . Articles , be they a half page or the length of an OpEd , contribute to improving our approach to advocacy training and coaching . Our field of expertise is not static : its evolution depends upon you , the reader . To raise an advocacy problem - be it for teaching , coaching , or for trial or appellate work - and ask our readers to offer solutions , click on the ' Advocacy Agony Aunt ' page link . It 's just below this welcome . You may write under your name or a nom de plume . Submit your article by contacting the blog administrators using the Contact Us link below . It 's ok to submit a draft . In addition , if you become aware of interesting advocacy - related cases or incidents , please forward them to us through the Contact Us link . When using this site , whether as a trainer or ' student ' we recommend clicking on the topic in the subject index ( below this welcome ) to collect everything written about it . If you 'd like to receive ' new ' posts by email please let us know on the Contact Us link . The blog administrators are Christopher W . Behan ( Southern Illinois University School of Law ) , Charles H . Rose III ( Stetson University College of Law ) . 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Thank you for your thoughtful comments . How I wish it were that easy to not take husband . I would love nothing better than to board that plane alone . It is not possible , as he remembers that Jack is graduating , that we are going to the graduation and we will fly . I think by not taking him , well , that may do him in . As far as what happened to husband , it 's something I 'd rather not talk about , but , to put it in a nutshell , he became delusional , disoriented and uncontrollable . Kristen and I could not bring him out of it . It was an awful scene . It took many hours to bring him out of it . Even when I brought him home , he was still in a state , but , seemed more aware of his surroundings . By Saturday , he seemed more like himself , or , rather , more like what he has become . We have settled back into our routine , only now , I have this cloud over me . Waiting for the other shoe to drop . I had a long talk with FIL on the phone yesterday . He has been ill and I didn 't want to burden him , but , husband called him and I took over . Told him everything that had happened last week . We share a common bond , he and I , after all . He told me that husband was entering the final stages of this disease , that 's what husband 's mother had done as well . He said , soon , too soon , husband will cease to talk , watch him closely for any delusions , and play the waiting game . I told him about placing husband and he agreed . He cried , I cried . The other kids know of my decision and all agree with me . Jack is the only one who does not know . He will find out soon enough . Husband has been so so . I talked with him about flying , and how he has to be on his best behavior . He promised he would behave . What other married couple talk this way ? Telling your husband he has to behave on a plane ? Oh , how I hate this . I am looking forward to leaving the city for awhile . Going someplace I have never been . I was reading the brochure on Jack 's graduation . We will have plenty of time for play . It will be nice . Jack says that he wants to take us places while there . He hasn 't seen much of San Antonio , but , a lot of the guys are taking their families around and about the sights and he wants to take us . May do me some good . We leave one week from today . I will board that plane with excitement . I will try not to think about the ugly of Alzheimer 's . I will try not to look at husband . I will try to forget that he is dying and play pretend we are just like any other couple , going to their son 's graduation . I will try to escape it all . Even if it 's for 4 days only . Yes , I 'll do fine . The only thing that keeps me going right now is seeing Jack 's face . That child - man . How I will hug him . Just to see his face again . Oh yes , I 'll do just fine . I 'm still here . I have had a very rough time since last Thursday . Mentally and physically . I have had to come to the conclusion that within 6 months , I will have to place husband in a nursing home . This decision has been solely based on what happened last week . Husband had to be taken by ambulance to hospital . There , they put him on Suicide Watch . I could not see him . They would come out every few hours and let me know how he was doing . I was finally able to bring him home late , early Friday morning . It 's not that I 'm throwing in the towel , or giving up . No . I just know that for him to receive the best care and to be in a medical environment , well , a nursing home will have to suffice . I don 't know how I 'm feeling anymore . I was so looking forward to going to San Antonio and seeing my boy graduate . Oh , I 'm still going , but , with a somber outlook on the future . But , I will smile and be so happy and proud of my son . He doesn 't need to know what has transpired . He 'll find out soon enough . This is where I am at today . I have made my final decision . Each time I look at husband and see nothing in his eyes , it makes me feel better about my decision . I have had a rough couple of days . Husband spent Thursday in the hospital . He had an episode that I could not quite ignore . He is better and I am left to pick up the pieces . My emotions are all over the place . I am mad , sad and everything in - between . I am supposed to meet with some people who offer Caregiver services . If I agree for one to come to the house , I will be able to look for a job . This care giving on my own is not working . I have realized I can 't do it on my own . I don 't think anyone can . If this Caregiver thing does not work out , then I will have no other choice but to place husband in a nursing facility where they are equipped to handle difficult situations . I think I 've found one of the reasons why husband has to go to the bathroom so much at night . He drinks a lot of water . We both do . So , I 've eliminated any water past 8 PM . Last night was OK , he did get up once , but , made it to the bathroom . No accidents . I was exhausted yesterday . Needless to say , I slept like a rock last night . We had a decent day yesterday . Husband seemed quiet and somewhat depressed . I thought of calling Dr A 's office , to see if maybe I should take him in . Unfortunately , there is nothing that can be done , it 's the process and progression of the disease . But , when someone you love is sick , your first instinct is to take them to the Dr 's . We never did get a Scooter Chair . Medicare and Humana would not approve it because we have a manual wheelchair and they said it would work fine . I am not happy with Humana , but , the coverage is good . A medical supply store here locally is coming this afternoon to install a new charger for the older scooter chair father in law gave to us months ago . They gave me quite a discount with a free installation thrown in . I cannot transport it , but , it will work just fine here in the house . The walker will be put away . It doesn 't help anymore . He will be put in the chair permanently now . I have to call Humana this morning . I need to find out if they will pay for a nurse to come to the home . I hate calling them . They have me listed as Power of Attorney , ( papers from attorney 2 years ago ) and still insist on speaking to husband , even after I tell them he has Alzheimer 's , but , they want him to give them permission to speak with me . It 's an ordeal . By the time I finally get to speak with them , I 'm frustrated , and have to really hold my tongue . I have had my moments since night before last . The happiness and excitement about going to Jack 's graduation has been replaced with such sadness . I caught Kristen crying in her room yesterday . I was concerned and asked her what was wrong . She just pointed to our bedroom . Nothing more needed to be said . Husband has gotten up . He looks confused . He is nodding off as he sits in his chair in the living room . It 's not a pretty sight . He will jerk his head upright , look around the room , realize he is in the living room , then , nod off again . I woke up around 1 AM to hear husband talking to himself in the bathroom . I keep a nightlight on in the bathroom for him so he can see in the middle of the night . I got up , went into the bathroom and found him in the shower , going to the bathroom . He had wet himself . He was upset I had found him this way . By then , the dogs were restless , so I let them outside . I heard the shower go on . Brought the dogs back in and went back to bed . I sat on the side of the bed and waited for the shower to go off . After several minutes , dogs still restless , I went into the bathroom and asked him what he was doing . He said he was taking a shower , to leave him alone . Uh , no , wasn 't going to do that . I went and got him clean underwear and sat on the toilet , and waited for him to finish . Finally , he turned the water off . And there , in the shower , at 1 : 30 in the morning , my husband , that big strong , hard working man , who has fought the good fight , broke down completely . He cried like no wife should ever witness again . He was leaning against the shower wall , sobbing , telling me I should put him in a home , he was a burden . I got a towel , started talking to him as I was drying him off . Told him I loved him , I was there for him , I wasn 't going anywhere . Helped him out of the shower , sat him on the toilet and finished drying him . He was still sobbing . Big , wracking sobs . Helped him to bed , where I covered him up , soothed his hair , still damp from his forehead . As I was doing so , I imagined that monster , just inside his head , laughing and mocking me . No wife should of witnessed that . My heart is a mess . It is now 2 : 30 in the morning . I cannot sleep . So , I came here . When the sun comes up , as it always does , I will , for the first time , put my big , strong husband in diapers . That sun , the promise of a new day . Only , that promise of a new day will mean something much more now . It will mark our final journey into the depths of hell known as the final stages of Alzheimer 's . Husband wanted to go to Sportsman 's Warehouse yesterday . Now , after my experience with Wal Mart the day before , I could not imagine myself in any store . Oh , the things one will do for love . Of course , it was busy . What was I thinking ? Husband wanted to get a Dry Box . I had no clue what this was , but , pushed him through the throngs of people to ask for assistance in locating a Dry Box . Once home , he said his shoulder and arm was bothering him . I got him settled in bed and decided to have a nice quiet Sunday . And it was . There has been a noticeable change in husband . His memory is just about gone in some aspects . Of course he remembers who I am , who the kids are , and that we are going to San Antonio . Everything else has been wiped out . He asked several times over the course of yesterday , what day it was . What was the date , was I cooking dinner , what was I cooking for dinner , did he have any clean clothes , ( uh , duh ) was I going to do laundry ( ditto ) and what day it was . Over and over and over and over and over . Since the fall last week , he has not been sleeping much during the day . Which is good , however , it makes my days long . When I ask him a question , he stares blankly at me for a minute , then will give me an answer . Most of the time , I have a hard time understanding him . I am getting used to it , and have had to really concentrate on what he is saying . When around other people , they look to me to translate on what he is saying . He gets frustrated at times , trying to remember a word . He stumbles on words and his speech is slurred . When we see Dr A in December , I am going to ask for Home Health Care . I know it 's time . At least that 'll give me some free time to run errands , or , go to Starbucks , sit outside , and enjoy an espresso . The nurse will also be able to advise me on anything I will need to address . This turning point in this disease has been hard for me to see . The falls , the massive confusion , the memory , the speech , the everything . I find myself watching a commercial on TV and getting tears in my eyes . Yes , I need the help . Why does it have to hurt so much though ? Marie 's car is still broke down , so , I took her and the kids to Wal Mart yesterday . On a Saturday afternoon . 10 days before Halloween . OY ! ! I knew it was bad before I even entered the store . There were only about 12 shopping carts left . Now , I do not like shopping . I do not like Wal Mart all that well , except for their prices . I do not like ignorant shoppers . I do not like rude shoppers . What I do like is , a regular grocery store , playing soft music , going up to the deli and having 1 person in front of me , instead of 14 . I do like being able to stroll the aisles , glancing at products , checking prices , instead of , stopping and having person behind you make a huge sigh because you stopped . I do like to browse the meat section , checking out meats , instead of when checking out meats , having someone reach all the way around you and grab a package of meat . There is a good point I 'm trying to make . With my very limited budget , and my dislike for shopping , I will never become a Shopaholic . Disclaimer : This post is not intended to slam Wal Mart . I shop at Wal Mart too . Just not on a Saturday afternoon , 10 days before any given Holiday . Husband is turning into one of the worst patients I have ever seen . Oh , he 's a handful , I 'll tell ya . He 's supposed to rest , elevate his arm and I will ice it several times per day , 20 minutes each time . Every time I turned around yesterday , there he was , holding on to his walker and wincing in pain . I would guide him back to bed , all the while reminding him of Dr 's orders . Reminding an Alzheimer 's patient of Dr 's orders is like trying to drink a cup of coffee with a fork ! ! I would apply an ice pack , time it on my microwave , and go back in , 2 minutes later , to find the ice pack on the bed . He would tell me 20 minutes were up . I then would have to explain to him that it had only been 2 minutes and put it back on . Of course , he would argue with me , telling me he knows how to tell time , that he had been timing it on the clock in the bedroom . Now , husband can no longer tell time of any clock mind you , but , he insisted that he was timing it on his own . Oh , yes , he 's a handful alright . Exasperating is the word that comes to mind . Pat , Christine & Jason came over for a visit last night . We had a nice time visiting with them . They brought a cake . Christine was upset that husband has gone downhill so fast since Jack left . She said he sounded like he was drunk . She was very concerned that I had to take him to the hospital relating to his fall . I guess it is a shock to some who have not seen him in weeks , to see just how much he has declined . She did ask me how I planned on flying husband to San Antonio . Won 't it be hard , she asked . Of course , I replied . But , being that I 'm around him 24 / 7 , well , you just do it . When husband is talking and gets confused on a word , I automatically fill in the blanks for him . He always looks at me and I add the word he cannot pronounce anymore . It 's just something I do . Pat & Christine were surprised that I do this . I explained to them , when you are around him all the time , it comes natural and goes with the territory . After they had left , husband got settled in bed , I was sitting here in the living room thinking about that . I do do that , I thought . No one teaches you anything on Alzheimer 's patients . It 's just something that comes natural to me . Could be from having children . You know , when they are first learning how to talk ? You always know what they are trying to say , so , you fill in the blanks . Same with husband now . With this disease taking over , it 's been exhausting and a great learning curve for me , all at the same time . I surprise myself that I take things in stride , see what damage has been done , adjust to that , mentally taking notes on what he can and can 't do anymore . I pick up when he can 't . Reminds me of a play with a live audience . Say , one person forgets their lines , the other actor will swoop down and ad lib , until that person recovers enough to finish their lines . And , the show goes on . In my case , this is no play with a live audience . It 's the real deal . Real life stuff . But , for husband 's sake , the show must go on . Or , life must go on . It 's that simple . I had an interesting day yesterday . As I mentioned earlier , husband took a bad fall Tuesday morning . By yesterday morning , he could not lift his right arm . I told him that was it , I was taking him in . So , around 10 : 30 AM , off we went to University Hospital of New Mexico . Instead of the ER , I took him to the Adult Urgent Care , located near the ER . I had no wish to spend at least 12 hours in the ER . I opted to spend 5 hours in Urgent Care . Once I got him settled in the waiting room , he had to go to the bathroom . Luckily , the bathroom is handicapped equipped , so it was an easy feat . We waited about 30 minutes before they called his name . As the nurse took hold of his wheelchair , she said , " No , you can stay here , I 've got him , I 'm only going to do vitals and bring him back out here . " I said , " Ma ' am , he has Alzheimer 's . " Nurse , eyes wide , said , " Oh , well , follow me . " I gave her the low down on why we were there , gave him his weight and height . Back out in the lobby we went . After about an hours wait time , a girl came in . The receptionist asked her why she was there . She said she had been puking since Tuesday , could not hold anything down . She got checked in and during this time , I said a silent prayer that she would not sit next to me , as ( 1 ) I don 't handle puke well and ( 2 ) I didn 't want to catch what she had . Of course , she sat right behind me , in perfect line for her to puke all over me . Lo and behold , just then , they called husband 's name . Another hour of waiting when finally , the Dr came in . She was very nice , examined husband , asked him all kinds of questions to which husband nodded his head ( you know , the sign that he does not understand anything ) which was my cue to announce who I was and that husband " has Alzheimer 's " . She looks immediately at husband 's eyes , ( she knows her stuff ) and turns to me to finish off her round of questions . She says the shoulder may be fractured , it 's swollen , or the collar bone . Or , it could be that he dislocated the shoulder . She orders X - rays . We didn 't have to wait long , so , during our wait , I had to go to the bathroom . When I got out , I saw a nurse wheeling husband down the hallway to X - ray . I offered to come along , but , she said she could handle it . I sat back down in the exam room and , as she was wheeling husband , she asked what is name was . He told her . Then , she asked his birth date . Proudly , I heard husband speak loud and clear his birth date . Once that was done , I heard him say , " I know my name and birth date " , like a child . I got a twinge of sadness , yet had to chuckle about it at the same time . Making this long story short , no fractures , no dislocations , just a severe contusion to the shoulder . They put him in a sling , told me to apply ice for 20 minutes several times a day and keep it elevated . Because he is on some high powered drugs , they could not prescribe any pain med . We were set free . By the time I got him to the curb to park , so I could take the shuttle to my car , then back up to get husband , he had somehow got the sling twisted up around his neck , his arm hanging at his side . What a sight . I started laughing , trying to fix him up . Got the shuttle , threatening husband to " stay right here " , remembering he couldn 't use his arm to roll the wheelchair anywhere anyway . Once I got back up , he had that sling twisted up again . Stop to fix again . We left to start our way back home , just in time for rush hour traffic to begin . I will say , husband is the worst patient ever . I took the sling off of him , elevated his arm and iced it . He ate dinner and finally fell asleep . What a day . Of course , as the story of my life goes , I always gotta have a funny to go along with a serious event ! ! I am in countdown mode as of today . It 's not just the idea of seeing my boy again and all that he accomplished at basic training , it 's the very idea of going somewhere . With all that being said , I am a little nervous for husband . This constant state of confusion can lead to a very difficult trip , but , I am thinking positive . I don 't go out much . I stay home , take care of my home , care for husband , and when we do go out , it 's not far and not for long . So , to actually leave my house for 4 whole days , well , yes , one can get a little flutter of excitement . Tyler will watch the dogs . Got that covered . My little one , Snowball , is going to be a mess while I 'm gone . He is so attached to me . I made a joke the other day and said he was going to need counseling when I get back . Bessie on the other hand , is attached to me , but , she is independent , just let her bark her fool head off and she 's good ! Yesterday I went through my closet and brought out the winter clothes . It 's getting pretty chilly here in the mornings , warming up some , but , the shorts have been put away . Last night , while watching TV , I got a fire going in the fireplace . It warmed up the room . I have not turned the heat on yet . I don 't want my gas bill to go up . Kind of testing myself , seeing just how long I can go without heat in the house . I ran to Walgreens yesterday . The clerk noticed my unusual upbeat manner . She was so nice and asked me how my day was going . I wanted to stand on the counter and announce to everyone in the store that I , was going on a big jet airplane to see my son graduate from basic training in the Air Force . Then , my common sense kicked in and decided not to . I told her my day was fabulous and made sure she was having a good day . Thank you for the sweet comments on our trip to see Jack graduate from Air Force Basic Training . I am excited to go . Jack called Monday night and was just as excited . He has done so well . He said the worst thing has been the muggy weather . He also said that the first 3 weeks were the hardest for him , but , has made friends , several of them are going to the same technical school he 's going to , so , it 's not that bad . My son has turned out to be a fine young man . Husband took a bad fall yesterday , in the hallway , on tile floor . He didn 't hit his head , but , his right arm is sore and back as well . He is suppose to use the walker in the house at all times , but , will forget it and attempt to walk away . Last week I could not find his walker . I asked him where it was , he looked at me blankly . I went all through the house . Just on a whim , I went outside and there it was , in the middle of the driveway ! ! What ? When I brought it in , I asked him what he was doing outside , he stared at me and said the walker went out on it 's own , he was not outside . I had the front door open , so , I did not hear him go outside . Guess I need to put chimes on the screen door as well ? I am doing OK . I seem to be getting out of this slump I 'd been in . Could be because I am taking a plane trip to San Antonio ? I 've also been having quiet times with myself . Listening to my heart . Discovering new things about me . I 'm not as sad as I 've been as well . Life is happening all around me , I just need to jump on that wagon . I can 't sit in this house and think of the inevitable , it 'll drive me insane . So , I 've chosen to join the living again . I have to . It 's not that I ignore husband , no , but , I am starting to plan my life without husband . I know it 's coming , you can see it everyday . We all have choices , it 's what choices you make that will shape your life . In my case , I am making choices that will shape my future . I will miss my husband , for sure , but , he 's gone now anyways , his physical presence is here , yes , but , my husband is gone . I have this pitiful body I 'm caring for , like a rag doll . I like to think he 's got one foot in heaven . If I think that way , it makes it easier on me to let go of his other foot . My book is coming along . It 's hard , this writing stuff . There are days I do no writing , then , like an explosion , out comes the laptop and smoke is left on the keyboard . It has to be quiet in the house . Now I get why writers have a quiet place . I am thinking of turning Jack 's old room into my office . Someplace besides sitting here on my couch . I don 't know the first thing in getting this book published . Do you have to pay money for them to publish ? Will my book be good enough for publishing ? I 've searched on the internet for publishing companies , but , I think I will have to have a finished copy before I start pounding and hounding publishers . I hope this book will be interesting enough . Time will tell . So , life continues . It 's hard dealing with husband , it 's heartbreaking at times , but , like everything else in my life , I deal . If there were a test at the end of each day , I would probably fail sometimes . On the days that I don 't fail , it 's just that I 've put on my Big Girl Pants and gotten through . Introducing adult diapers to husband yesterday did not go well . I eased into it while he was eating breakfast . I did not call them adult diapers , I said they were protective pads , as that is actually the name on the package . Husband became quite angry and said he would never , ever wear diapers . I explained to him that it was just for protection and if out somewhere , if there was an accident , it wouldn 't show through . Nothing I said worked . I opened the package and showed him how they fit , comfortable and soft and how they would protect him . It was a no go . He finished his breakfast and went to bed for the whole day . He would not talk to me . He would not acknowledge me if I walked into the room . End of Day 1 of introducing protective pads . It 's like everything else I 've had to get him to use . First , it was the cane . He fought me on that , said he could walk just fine . Then , using the walker . That was a real fight . Next , graduating to the wheelchair . That was a biggie . Now this . It 's going to be a challenge for me . A big one . I am going to leave this one alone for awhile . After his reaction yesterday , I may have to let him have accidents while out and about , for him to make up his mind that he , in fact , does need to wear these protective pads . I don 't know what today will be like . He did say good morning to me as I got up this morning . He may , in fact , have forgotten yesterday for all I know . Actually , I hope so . Once again , perks of Alzheimer 's . Husband has been very restless during the night . Every time I woke up last night , he was in the bathroom . A little spooky . I have not heard from Jack in 2 weeks . I am sure everything is OK , he may be so busy , what with them winding down Basic Training , getting ready for graduation . I would love to hear from him . I usually write him a long letter on Sunday , and try to send a card during the week . I 'd love to pick up the phone and have Jack on the other end say , " Hi Mom . " Today I will not mention protective pads . I will go about my day , pretending nothing is wrong with husband . He likes it that way . Other than a little problem with his legs , according to him , he 's fine , just fine . Thanks for the comment about Jack and Thanksgiving . I don 't know what he 's doing , but , he did tell me he would be home for two weeks at Christmas time . That will be nice . Father in law did pick up husband yesterday . They had a good time . When FIL dropped husband off , he took me aside and gave me some plastic bottles , one large , one medium . He said to use one in the car and one to keep at his bedside . Husband had a few accidents at his dad 's house . We talked about that , FIL asked me if he was having accidents at home . I told him yes . FIL hung his head and looked so sad . He then said , " It 's the beginning of the end . " My first instinct was to put my arms around him . Instead , I patted him on the back and replied , " I know . " Husband watched all of this with no reaction at all . I looked at him . There he was , a total blank look at the both of us . He was in his own world , not knowing what was being said . FIL left , I started dinner . I asked husband if he had a good time . He said he couldn 't remember . Great . Husband fell asleep early , but , when I went to bed , he was in the shower . I noticed the bathroom rug was outside the door . I picked it up and it was wet . When he finally opened the door , I asked him what he was doing he said , " I had a dream I was selling the house and . . . . . . . . . . . " , his voice trailed off , and he started mumbling to himself . He was in a complete stupor . I asked him about the rug . He finally said he couldn 't make it to the toilet . I asked him if he needed clean underwear , he said he had some already . When he put the underwear on , it was backwards and inside out . I said nothing . It is now time to break out the adult diapers . I have a package in my closet . I have kept them there waiting for " the day " . He will have to start wearing them . It 's time . I knew there would come a time that we would advance to diapers ; knew it all along . But , it seemed so far off . " There will come a time when patient will lose all bodily functions . Adult diapers will have to be worn " , is what I read . My heart is heavy this morning . How degrading for him . How sad I feel for him . Sad for me . Sad for our family . Sad for the man he once was . I miss that man . I miss my husband . Still in a slump . I 've tried to shake it off , but , it won 't leave me . I don 't know how to describe it , it 's just a slump . I talked with my neighbor yesterday . She has a 10 yr old that is mentally handicapped . We were comparing notes on behavior problems with her girl and husband . It was nice to have someone to talk to that kind of gets where I 'm coming from . Even if it 's compared to a little girl . I offered to take husband to father in law 's house . He called his dad , but , Lupe said they had company , that father in law would call later . Husband was upset about the fact he didn 't get to talk to his dad . I told him maybe he really couldn 't come to the phone . Did no good . He said he would never talk to his dad again . His chin was quivering , mumbled to himself and finally went to his bed . A little later , father in law called and apologized for not coming to the phone . Now , before the Genetics test came back positive , father in law would never apologize for anything . Since the results came back positive , he has done a complete turn around . We now share a common bond of dealing with this disease . We talked for awhile , I explained that I had offered to take husband over there . He said he would try to come by today or tomorrow and pick husband up for the day . When I got off the phone , I told husband his dad was sorry he couldn 't come to the phone , but , he said maybe today or tomorrow he would come pick up husband . Husband seemed calmer about that , but , still was not in a good mood . I am still trying to figure out how I am supposed to get to San Antonio , Texas for Jack 's Air Force graduation . I have no money to book a flight for us , no money for hotel , no money for car rental . Nothing . When he calls , he asks , " Mom , are you coming ? " I tell him yes . Whatever . Gotta get this monkey off my back . Gotta pick myself up and continue this journey . People are depending on me . I 've been talking to myself now . Crazy . Today , I shall tell me , " Knock it off . " Life is happening all around me and yet , my life , or husband 's life , is crumbling . This monster is having a " coming out " party . It is so obvious what is happening now that I am having a hard time dealing this week . I took husband on a few errands with me yesterday . I had to use the restroom , parked him in front of the bathrooms and , when I came out , the sight of him was oh so pitiful . There he sat , in his wheelchair , slumped over , lifting his head , staring blankly at people walking by . As long as I live , I will never forget that sight . There are times that I don 't think about Alzheimer 's . There are times we do not discuss what is happening to him . There are times I 'd like to think " he 's OK " . But , not yesterday . As we were driving home , he was slurring his words . He asked me 2 times within a span of 5 minutes what we were having for dinner . Still having that vision of him when I came out of the bathroom , it was hard for me to speak . My brake pads needed replacing . Tyler replaced them Monday morning . On Sunday , however , husband went outside to look at the car . He came in and told me the rotors were damaged as well . I asked him how he knew that . He said he looked at them through the hubcaps . Now , I know zero about cars , but , the rotors ? I thought I had disc brakes . All he talked about Sunday night was how damaged those rotors were . I finally asked him to stop because I had no money to replace the rotors and he was upsetting me about the expense of replacing the rotors . I went first thing Monday morning to get the pads . As I was paying for them , I asked her if they carried rotors . She looked at me , frowned and said that my car has Disc Brakes . Tyler came , replaced the pads and all is well with my car . Later , I asked husband what he meant by telling me the rotors were bad , that I was right , I had disc brakes . He looked at me , shrugged his shoulders and said , " I thought the rotors were bad . Tyler said they are still good , you didn 't damage them after all . " To this day , he insists I have rotors . But , I was lucky , I didn 't damage them . What ? ? ? ? Today , when I woke up , my first thought was , " I don 't wanna play this game anymore . " I 'm getting tired . I actually don 't think he 's even aware anymore what 's happening to him . He just B bops around . Hey , coach , can I have a time out , just today , please ? Fall arrived here in the Land of Enchantment . I woke up to cloudy skies , breezy , and it 's cold . The idea of having a fire in the fireplace tonight is tempting . If it stays cold , I will have a fire tonight . Cozy . After that hot summer , this is a welcome relief . I 'll be happy to break out the sweats and socks . Tyler is coming tomorrow to replace my brake pads . When this started earlier this week , I felt so helpless , not knowing what to do about it . Husband used to take care of all of that . I would mention something about the car , and he would take care of it . Now ? I have to depend on my grown kids to help me out . Thankfully , Tyler said he would take care of it , not to worry . I am hoping to hear from Jack . He has not called in a week . I am getting used to him being gone now . It 's not so bad anymore . Of course , I still miss him , but , it 's getting easier for me . The quiet is not so bad either . In the afternoon is when I love it best . When I go to bed at night is when it get 's to me though . Turning off all the lights , locking the doors , I realize in this big house , it 's really just the two of us now . What a change for me . Husband is not coming out of his " mood " as fast as I thought . He has been rather quiet and either sleeps all day , or , stares at the ceiling . He doesn 't seem interested in anything I say or do . He 's just " there " , physically . Mentally ? He 's checked out . Part of me is relieved , the other part ? Scared . This is it , I say to myself . This is what I have been waiting for . I knew this stage was coming , braced myself even , for it to strike . I believe we are in the final stage of this disease . On one hand , I want it to be over for him . On the other hand ? My mind drifts to the " after he 's gone " part . I hope I will do him proud and hold my head high . I hope I can do this , without him . I hope I don 't live with regrets . I have found myself shedding tears this week . The tears have been brief , but , it comes in waves . One minute , I 'm fine , the next , my body gets these sobs . Never felt like that before . I have heard of people getting " wracked by sobs , " well , now I think I 'm experiencing them . It 's different form crying . It makes me double over , just for a minute , then , it 's gone . Onto the first cold weekend of the season . I look forward to having a fire burning tonight . Not having much to look forward to anymore , it 's the little things I take comfort in now . Posted by We 're still in a " mood " this early morning . He seems a little better , but , still the " mood " is there . I have to ride it out . Soon , he will be back to " himself " . The wandering , confused husband he has become . Sometimes , late at night I often ask myself , " how long ? " All this was triggered last week . I was looking through pictures of happier days to send to Jack . There were so many of husband looking so healthy and normal . He had such an infectious smile . In one of the pictures , something caught my eye . I finally went back to it the other day . And , there he was with those eyes . They were smiling along with the rest of his face . Bright , happy , full of life eyes . I had a little catch in my throat and put the pictures in my closet , where I can 't see them when I go in there . Don 't want to see them . The reminder is just too much for me right now . Also , while looking at those pictures , a thought hit me . At that moment when the camera captured that smile , there was a monster inside of his brain . Hiding , waiting for the right moment to make his presence known . It wasn 't too long after that one particular photo that the monster began to emerge . Slight , little incidences one would not make much of anything about it , making light of it , never for once thinking it could be " the curse " as the family calls it . No , not my husband , I would think . We have too much going on for " that " to happen . We love each other . We have a family . God won 't let " that " strike again . Slowly , the monster has emerged . He has woken up from his sleep and has completely destroyed my husband . Such a pitiful man , my husband . Can 't walk , can 't talk right , can 't think for himself , can 't remember anything and spends his days staring blankly at the ceiling or TV . I am finally OK with it all . I have accepted it and live my life according to whatever the day has in store for me . It 's not easy , I have my moments , but , at the days end , as I look at my sleeping husband , the thought always is the same . No , I have not dropped off the face of the earth . My landlord offered me $ 100 off my rent if I would clean out one of his rentals across the street from me . Whew . That was a job . But , I got it all done . My back hurts , my shoulders hurt , my feet hurt , but , I got $ 100 off my rent this month . Yay for me . I had left husband at home while I did this cleaning . He was not happy about that . For heaven 's sake , I was across the street ! ! That means nothing to him , however . He has been in a " mood " since Monday . I think I hit a wall this morning in regards to husband . He is acting like a selfish , spoiled rotten 4 yr old . I had to tell him to go into " his " room , and not come out until he can behave . Nice words to say to your husband . But , I 'd had it . Oh , by the way , he 's still in there . I never , ever , thought I would have to treat my husband like a child . It 's getting to that point where I am flying by the seat of my pants here , folks . There is no " right " or " wrong " way to deal with this type of disease . I am using my common sense . If he acts like a child , I will treat him like a child . Simple . When I got up this morning , I looked at him sleeping and thought to next year this time . " He may not be here " , I thought to myself . I had to remember to breathe when that thought hit me . That 's hard , but , on the other hand , he won 't suffer anymore . I just want it all to stop . All of it . The fear in his eyes is dreadful . Then , when the fear leaves his eyes , that haunting look comes back . Dead eyes . That 's what I call them lately . We 'll see what tonight brings . I am cooking him one of his favorite dinners . Maybe that 'll bring him out of his funk . If not , well then , I have to ride it out . I 'm getting good at riding out everything . But , everyone has their limits . I have days when I think I 've reached it . Then , I dig deep and find it , somewhere inside of me to go on . I have to , he 's depending on me . While I was at the store , Jack called . Husband did not answer the phone the first time , but , he did pick up the phone the second time he called . He got to talk to his son for a full 15 minutes . He was in his element . I was sorry I missed his call , but so glad that husband got to have time with is son without me hovering nearby . They had a great talk . Husband talked about it Saturday night and most of yesterday . I had debated on taking husband with me , but , being that it was Saturday and Wal - Mart , well , you get the picture . I am doing OK . It is so quiet here , I can 't get over it . Many years ago , when the kids were all so little , I would dream of a clean and quiet house . Well , it 's happened and I don 't quite know what to take of it . I am going through an adjustment period , I 'll get there , just takes time . I did our usual laundry Saturday . I haven 't noticed how small it 's gotten since Jack left . 1 load of whites / light colors , 1 load of dark colors , 1 small load of towels and 1 load of sheets . I was done by 1 : 00 PM . Now , that I can get used to any day of the week ! ! ! I actually looked for something to wash yesterday , thinking , " did I miss something ? " As far as Alzheimer 's goes , it 's there . Something I can 't ignore . It 's always there . Husband did OK in the memory department this weekend . Of course , I answered the same questions over and over , but , as far as his attitude , it was OK . When I was putting away the clean laundry , he said , " Thank you for doing my laundry . " Had to pick my jaw up from the ground . I 've always heard , " Out of the mouth of babes , " well , my new saying is , " Out of the mouth of an Alzheimer 's patient . " As far as my book is going , well , it 's going . I did not do any writing this weekend . I woke up this morning with an urge to write today . During the writing of this book , so many memories have come into play , that , there are times I just don 't want to " go there . " Today however , I am going to " go there . " Writing a book is not for the weak at heart , I 'll tell ya . It takes time and a lot of energy . One would think sitting and typing is easy . I 'm here to tell you , not so . Your mind has to be transported back , way back . I am finding out you also have to have a good memory . Luckily , my memory is intact . All 's well in that department . Too good , if you ask me . There are some things I 'd like to forget , but , these are my memories . Husband is still sleeping . He will wake up soon enough . I always hold my breath in anticipation of where we will be . If he wakes up in a " near normal " state , then I know today will be OK . If not , then , I brace myself for a trying day . Lately , there have been more trying days than I 'd like to count . Let 's all give a shout out to a " near normal " day ! ! ! ! Please join me as I care for my husband who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness called Early Onset Familial Alzheimer 's Disease . A very rare form of Alzheimer 's , inherited on his Mothers ' side of the family . All other family members died by age 47 . My husband is 46 . Join me won 't you , as I travel this road that will leave me a Widow . Laugh with me , cry with me . |
Today was a GREAT day ! After 715 days and only being able to talk on the phone or Skype 4 times in those 2 years , it was the best feeling to have Trevor back home . Having the family all together again is the best ! Here are a few shots of our airport scene . And yes , I was that mom that had the large banner , balloon bouquet and 20 American and French flags to hand out to everyone . Five missionaries came home from France today and we had the entire International Terminal to ourselves , all the friends and family . It was a small terminal and there were lots of people so these are crowded photos , but priceless ! I 'm sure none of you are as excited as me , his mom , so thanks for indulging me . And yes , once again , this mother stayed up all night watching the little plane cross the Atlantic , but this time , I get to be at the receiving end ! These next photos are from dinner at the mission home last night , courtesy of President and Sister Babin . I think he has grown a few inches ! For the last few months , people have been asking , " Does it feel like it 's been two years ? " I think it depends on which direction I look . It 's definitely been two years since I 've been with my family at home , but it also seems like I should still have some time left . Six months ago , I started worrying whether or not I had learned everything I was supposed to learn or done everything I was supposed to do . Now , I feel like I 've done what I came here for and it 's time to go home . There 's still seven days left , and it 's packed full of people to see and things to do . It was really , really tough to see " B " this week . We couldn 't get ahold of her until around Friday , and Elder Rodriguez and I basically gave up hope one night . Our thoughts were centered around , " Well , she 'll get baptized soon , but not next week . " After a few minutes of silence and some calculations , I turned to him and said , " No . This IS happening . We need to get over there and talk to her . She wants to be baptized . " We called her when we got home , and she answered for the first time , where she explained that her son has been in the hospital again for the last four and a half days , and she stayed with him 24 / 7 . We went over the next night and had a little chat about her baptism . We told her that in order for her to be baptized next Sunday , we have things left to teach and an interview to do . We told her that delaying the baptism by a week or two was still an option if she didn 't want to cram in a few lessons , but she was pretty adamant : " No . I 'm getting baptized next Sunday . " It shouldn 't be a problem if all goes according to plan , and we 'll be seeing her nearly every day this week to put things into place . The ward really stepped up , and a bunch of Relief Society sisters are helping as well . Members asked if they could drive us to lessons , and others took her to help her pick out baptismal clothes . They asked everyone to pray for her throughout the week as well . I feel like this last week is a challenge specially tailored for me . It 's time to use everything I 've learned in 24 months and prove that I 'm capable of doing it . This is going to be one stressful week . We 're going to be leaving early Monday morning to take a train to Paris and have our " Paris P - day , " where all the dying missionaries get to hang out and do whatever they want in Paris . Elders Price , Oliverson , Barr and I are planning to hang out together for the day , and thus everything ends as it begins . I remember walking into the MTC to meet those three in August 2012 with Barr as my new companion . Since , we 've flown to San Fran together , lived through the MTC together , were trained together , Price and I have lived together , Oliverson and I were companions and baptized together , and now we 're dying together . We received a letter in the mail this week . It had no return address , so we don 't know who it 's from . Inside was a serial killer note that said " YOU ' RE NEXT " in magazine clippings . Ha . ' Cuz we 're dying . We 're trying to figure out who sent it so we can return the favor . Elder Rodriguez and I have been tracting the same little city on the outskirts of Namur for the last transfer , so we 're there almost every night . There 's also an ice cream man that passes through the same little city every single night , so we see each other a handful of times a week . He 's our best friend now , and he always stops to say hello to us or bows at the driver 's seat and gives us a friendly honk . I 'm just holding out until the day he decides to give us free ice cream . Speaking of eastern European friends in cars , we 've got some other friends from Albania . Remember when we got invited in and offered wine by an Albanian dude a few weeks ago ? We 've seen him driving around the city a few times , and he always slams on the breaks to roll down the window and gives us a fist bump . He always has friends in the car so he introduces us as the American Mormons . We saw him again on Saturday as we were walking out of our apartment , but this time , he yelled out to us and motioned for us to get in his car . We figured we had nothing to lose , so we hopped in and enjoyed the air conditioning . After he introduced us again to his friend and showed us some cool Albanian music , we were curious what was happening and asked , " So , uh . . . where are you guys going , anyway ? " They responded with , " Oh , nowhere really . We just drive around and look at all the girls walking through the city . They look better in the summertime , you know . What about you two ? Where were you going ? " " Well . . . we weren 't going anywhere either . We were just going to walk around and talk to those girls walking on the street . . . but about the gospel . " We had them drop us off after a few minutes , and we got on with our day . We had another zone conference with President Babin , which was fun . They like to use a lot of videos and music , so it 's kind of like listening to EFY speakers , but learning cooler stuff . As is custom at all zone conferences , they had the departing missionaries give their " dying testimonies , " which included Elder Price and me . We 've been seeing missionaries give dying testimonies since the first month in the mission when I was back in Strasbourg with my trainer , and it 's kind of important . Throughout our entire missions , we always see people going home and wonder what we 're going to say for our own dying testimonies . Now that day has already come and passed for us . It was Elder Price 's birthday on Saturday , and we went to a member 's house to eat dinner . We celebrated his birthday and my 3 / 4 birthday , since I 'm 20 and 9 months old . I only ate 3 / 4 of a cake as a result . We tried going to get Pho at an Asian restaurant the next day , but it was closed for summer vacation . Lame . We also did more service for the lady that owns the sickle and taught our African family on Saturday . We taught " S " before that , who is the 77 year old lady whose father was a member of the church . Her 11 year old granddaughter has been there for the lessons recently , so we 're teaching them both . I don 't know what 's cool in America , but all the European elementary school kids wear little rubber band woven bracelets all the time recently . It 's turned into a type of trophy for missionaries to be given one of the bracelets by a little kid , and when we taught the granddaughter , she pulled out a loom and started making the little bracelets . Elder Rodriguez and I held our breath to see if she would give one to us , but we had to leave before she finished . We 're gonna score next time for sure . We finished up the week by teaching one of our African families , but the lesson turned into him explaining the intricacies of chemical bombs for a half hour . You see , he is a chemist . We went home last night and crawled into bed after the sun zapped all of our energy and enjoyed the peace and quiet for three minutes until a huge rock concert started right outside our window . We enjoyed falling asleep to French singers singing songs by The Police and Green Day , until a gigantic fireworks show started over the river out our window . It was equivalent to a 4th of July fireworks show , and we climbed out onto the scaffolding outside our window and enjoyed it for a little while . And thus we find ourselves in an internet shop on an overcast day in Namur . Next week is going to be my - LAST - email home ever , so I 'll put in some extra effort to do some good things this week . Stay tuned . Adieu . It was transfer week , but since none of us got transferred , we didn 't have much contact with the world outside of Namur . We usually have district meeting or conference exchanges or something to keep us informed , but we stayed in our little bubble the whole time . Since it was raining , there weren 't many people on the streets , so we spent most of the week knocking on doors . As we were out in a neighborhood last week , we saw a 77 year old lady working in her front yard and decided to talk to her . We walked out from behind her bushes and probably almost killed her because we scared her so bad . Once she regained her senses , she told us that we could come back another day and talk to her . We went back the second time this week and had an interesting rendez - vous . After she realized that we were Mormons , she told a story about her father , who passed away decades ago . He went to a concentration camp in Germany during World War II for five years and came back home after the war was over . He then joined the LDS church in Namur and was at one point in the branch presidency , but his wife didn 't want him teaching their children about the church . She said her father baptized her when she was 9 , but she never went to church a single time . Consequently , she also knows absolutely nothing about any of the doctrine , and we started at square one with the Book of Mormon . Her eyes are so bad that she can hardly read , but she said she tried to read the Book of Mormon until she got a headache and couldn 't continue . At the end of the second lesson , she brought out a big plate of homemade waffles , which served as confirmation that she is , in fact , Belgian . They were pretty darn good , so I asked her for the recipe and started writing it down . " First , you take a liter of milk , 10 eggs , two vanilla packets , and a cup of coffee . . . " at which point , Elder Rodriguez and I stopped chewing and slowly looked at each other from across the table . No wonder why they were so good . That must be why more Belgians don 't join the church : they just can 't give up waffles to keep the word of wisdom . Just kidding . I had her repeat the ingredients , and the recipe doesn 't actually call for coffee . She made a mistake the first time . Wednesday night , we decided to go out to a village to knock on doors . We walked over to the bus station in the center of town and had 10 minutes before the bus came . Standing right next to us was a group of blonde 20 year old girls that may or may not have been tipsy . They had a radio and were having a dance party while they waited for the bus . Elder Rodriguez leaned over and said , " I really hope they 're taking a different bus . " Three buses came and left , and of course they didn 't take any of them . Our bus pulled up , we got on , then the group of girls jumped on behind us . The bus pulled away from the station and we just laughed at the dance party going on in front of us on the seats and the music from the little portable speakers . Some other 20ish year old dudes got on at the next stop , at which point the bus driver decided to join in . He plugged in his iPod and blasted some party music over the bus speakers , gaining claps and cries of satisfaction from all the youth on the bus . Party bus ! That was fun . We talked to a huge muscle bound guy at his door while we were tracting a neighborhood last night , and after he gave us some hardcore rejection , I said , " Just one more question . What do you do to work out ? " He responded with , " It 's all about four times a week at the gym , a good diet , some protein , and praises to the Almighty Lord ! " Well , we counted that we usually say somewhere around 30 prayers a day , so we must be getting huge muscles . Well , to wrap it up , " B " is doing really well . We taught her with the bishop this week , and talked about putting off her baptism until August 3rd to give more time . She thought she would be ready before then , so it turned into a game of the bishop and the missionaries persuading her to wait an extra two weeks to be baptized . To be honest , that 's a first for me on my mission . She 's sweet . Time for the final transfer decisions ! No shockers . Everything is staying exactly the same , actually . That means Elder Rodriguez will be killing me , and Elder Hansen is killing Elder Price . None of us really wanted to leave , so it 's good news . Tuesday night was the big Belgium / USA game . Walking home that night , we noticed that a big screen was set up right in front of our apartment . There were hundreds and hundreds of people there by the time the game started at 10 : 00 pm , so we sat on the roof and listened for a half hour . We couldn 't see the screen , so every time the Belgian fans got sad , we started cheering and vice versa . We rationalized that it could be proper to pray for the US to win since eliminating Belgium would make the missionary work easier . Apparently we had no faith , because we woke up the next morning with voicemail messages from members : " ELDERS ! YOU LOOSE THE GAAAAME ! AHHHHH ! " Swallowing our pride , we went on to do a good amount of service the rest of the week for the Belgians in the community . We helped some members paint a few rooms for a chunk of the day on Thursday , and we did a good job if I do say so myself . That 's what six months of taking care of apartments in the mission office will get you . We even got to wear cool spacesuits . Saturday , we drove over to Charleroi with the in - laws of some members to help move a piano . It took a little while to drive there , then it took all of 5 minutes to get the piano inside a trailer . We drove the half hour back to Namur and were literally 30 feet from the house when the piano tipped and fell on it 's back . We stopped and loaded it into the house , at which point we lifted the cover and tapped the keys to see if it still worked . No notes . We all gathered around in a defeated little pow wow , at which point I reached in , un - jammed a piece of wood , and the piano started working just fine . Maybe piano repair isn 't such a bad career either . After the piano move , we went to the Bishop 's house to eat with them and talk about missionary work in the ward . It was also the day of the Belgium / Argentina World Cup game , so the Bishop took out a makeup stick and painted our cheeks to show Belgium pride . It was the stipulation if we wanted a ride home . Tuesday morning was a " welcome " conference in Brussels with the newly - arrived President and Sister Babin . They 're really cool , and I 'm sad I won 't be around too long to see what they do with the mission . I 'll only get to see them a total of three times . We taught a cool guy from Africa named " R " this week . He 's 21 years old , grew up as an orphan , and came to Belgium a few months ago to learn French . He wants to become a computer engineer so he can go back and donate money to the orphanage that raised him . In the meantime , he only is given 7 euros of extra money a week , and he scrimped and saved to have the 4 euros necessary to buy the bus ticket to get to our lesson . He read a few chapters in the Book of Mormon and thought it was worth the sacrifice to learn more about it . We showed up to church yesterday with no investigators there for either team of missionaries . Kind of a bummer , but it 's not exactly the first time it 's happened . Then , for the third hour of church , one of our investigator couples came in with their three children . I had forgotten that I invited them to sacrament meeting over the phone six days before . Some people asked if they were already members , to which the father responded , " No , we 're not , but we might be soon . " I mentioned last week that we fixed a baptismal date for later in July with " B " . Well , it was a bit difficult this week to find a time when we were both available , so we 're going to have to push it back a few weeks . If all goes well , we and the other companionship should be seeing baptisms the day before Elder Price and I leave to go home . Cross your fingers ! Out with the old and in with the new . President and Soeur Poznanski are dead dead dead dead in Angers . They 've officially kicked the bucket . I sure am going to miss them . They have been fantastic ! President Babin and his wife came in on Friday , and we 'll get to meet them tomorrow at another conference in Brussels . Meanwhile , the members at the church might want the Elders to be dead as well , since Belgium and the United States are playing in the World Cup tomorrow night . The members were spittin ' some fire at church yesterday . " If the Americans win on Tuesday , we 're not talking anymore . " " You 've eaten your last meal in OUR household . " " If you guys win the match , you 're all coming over to my house for a barbecue . I figure I 'm not taking much of a chance though . " You guys are joking , right ? Right ? The primary kids got particularly fierce and really enjoyed taunting us . We responded by drawing a big Uncle Sam and American flag on the chalkboard , which is probably an example of why Europeans think American pride is obnoxious . Oh , and the Sunday meetings were good too . Elder Price and I got to hang out and work together while our companions went to Brussels to exchange their drivers ' licenses . We got to eat at a member family 's house for lunch , and they gave us a huge bag full of hundreds of cherries they picked from a tree . Good thing too , because we ran out of food at the end of the week and ended up having two meals of 100 % cherries . We eventually ran out of cherries too , and on Sunday night , upon seeing our options in the fridge , Elder Price and I resolved to eating five onions for dinner . We got a phone call on Friday morning from an older lady who needed help upkeeping her yard , so we suited up and headed over . She had two lawn mowers , but one ran out of gasoline and the other was electric powered , and the cord couldn 't reach across the yard . So , Price and I were faced with the task of figuring out how our lawn - mower - less selves could cut the grass . We eventually found a big , old sickle in the lady 's basement , and we got to work reaping all the long grass with the giant blade . It was probably 50 % service and 50 % fun . On Saturday , Elder Rodriguez and I were out on the other side of the city trying to visit a less active when it started pouring rain like nobody 's business . We had no choice but to run through the torrent for the 20 minutes required to get home , and we were soaked through after a few minutes . While we were speed walking the last leg of the flight home , an old lady saw us from a parking lot and chased us down . She apparently didn 't care about getting soaked , because she came over and told us about how she used to be taught by the missionaries and went to church a number of times . She didn 't want to be taught again , but thought to take the time and talk to us . Right after the lady stopped and talked to us , we walked passed a crazy dude dancing in the rain in the middle of the street . He had some leg - armor looking thing in his left hand and a weird hat on his head . He saw the two Mormons walking passed , and decided to jump in front of us and dance ( or " wiggle and spasm " would be more appropriate ) in front of us so we couldn 't get passed . Somehow , all the insane people know the missionaries and they 're the only ones besides members who call us " Elder , " and he was no exception . He shook our hands with his right hand , at which point we both noticed he was holding a big kitchen knife . He kept dancing , made a joke , and then ran away . Whatever dude . At the end of the email last week , I mentioned " B " , the ex - wife of a less - active member . Elder Price and I taught her again this week and ended up scheduling a baptismal date with her for later in the month of July . All was going well with her , until yesterday when she didn 't come to church . Elder Rodriguez and I were admittedly disappointed she wasn 't there and didn 't answer our phone call , so we decided to give her some time . Yesterday night , while we were out knocking on doors in a little city , " B " called us to tell us that her little son has been in the hospital for the last couple of days due to a sudden lung problem , which was why she wasn 't able to come . As far as excuses go , that 's a pretty valid one . However , now she 's back on track . Score ! Elder Hansen and I were on exchange on Tuesday night and , after finding that we were locked out of the apartment , had to skip eating dinner and took a bus out to knock on doors instead . The people were nice , but the response 98 % of the time was , " I 'm watching the world cup . " Once , we heard everyone in the neighborhood simultaneously scream and I thought , " Looks like Belgium just scored another goal . " Elder Hansen and I took the bus back to the middle of the city and just happened to get there right as the game ended , with Belgium beating Algeria . What happened in the city after the victory isn 't easy to describe . Everyone got in their cars , covered the cars in flags , drove into the city and stopped on all the streets and sidewalks . Thousands of cars full of people all were honking their horns for hours , and we had to take off our nametags as we speedwalked to the apartment . On one street , I walked passed a tow truck blaring it 's horn , then looked behind to see two cars with a bunch of girls and shirtless dudes dancing on top with beer and flags . The guys all jumped off the cars , then I turned around to see girls throwing red smoke bombs from the cab of a truck , next to a group of people rolling on the ground in a big puddle of broken glass and alcohol . In a nearby city , my old companion , Elder Wood , got jumped by a bunch of shirtless dudes who forced him and his companion down and painted Belgium colors on their faces . This is the first time in twelve years that Belgium has played in the World Cup , so yeah , they are a little excited . There was another game last night , and since we weren 't invited to a member 's house for dinner , Elder Rodriguez and I outsmarted them by doing weekly planning instead . We took a good number of pictures of the crowds from our window as well . Elder Rodriguez wanted to show his pride , so he took my American flag and yelled as he waved it out the window for everyone to see . Speaking of Elder Rodriguez , everyone thinks he 's from South America . " Where are you from ? " ME : " The United States . " " And you ? You must be from Mexico or something with a name like Rodriguez . " HIM : " Uh , no . I 'm a quarter Korean , actually . " He changes up his story every time . Anyway . The Argentinian and I were calmly teaching a lesson to a nice lady in the park on Thursday . There was a lake in front of us , we were under a tree , and birds were singing . As we started talking about the Book of Mormon , a dozen street youth came from behind with their boombox and started blasting dubstep on the bench four feet away from us . I flipped open to a scripture as they started partaking of the two crates of beer they brought with them , and the poor lady couldn 't hear what we were saying very well . I guess we were done anyway . That night , my Peruvian companion and I were knocking on doors and had just gotten rejected by a dude from Morocco . Someone driving by in their car saw us , stopped , and began mildly making fun of us . I walked up to his car window and started talking to him . When we mentioned we were from America , he stopped and said something like , " What ? America ? Dude , that 's sweet . I live down there on the right . Meet me there and I 'll give you something to drink and we can hang out . " After declining an offer of wine , we chatted for awhile until we had to go home . Now we 're Facebook friends . Saturday , we went and passed by an old couple who said we could come back a few weeks ago . They were ridiculously nice , and loved me and my companion from Ecuador . They had the missionaries over a few times a number of years ago , but didn 't remember too much of what we believed . Right after I reminded him about Joseph Smith , he started spouting complicated doctrine from the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement that he liked from our church . I was really confused why he knew all of what he was describing , and we later found out that he has a copy of Jesus the Christ by James E . Talmage that he regularly reads . They invited us to come and watch the World Cup whenever we wanted , gave us cookies and juice , offered to feed us dinner , and even drove us home . They 're sweet . Monday night , Elder Rodriguez and I walked to the train station to look at times for zone conference the next day . I walked into the building , then turned around to see that my companion had disappeared . I went back outside to find that a man standing in front of the door had stopped him after seeing our nametags and wanted us to teach him about our church . As we started talking with him , a second lady came up and said , " Hey , I 'm interested in what you 're doing here . Could you meet me another time and explain a bit ? " Then , she noticed that we were already talking to the first guy , so she said , " Oh , you 're already talking to them ? " He replied , " Yeah , they 're sweet , right ? ! I want to know what they 're here for ! " I split and talked to the lady while Elder Rodriguez explained to the man that he doesn 't , in fact , come from Venezuela . If only that happened every day . The last shoutout goes to " B " , the ex - wife of a less active member that we taught once . She showed up to church on her own with her little son last Sunday , saying that she just " felt like she needs the church to be a part of her life now . " She was already taught almost all the lessons a few years ago , but apparently wasn 't that interested . Elder Rodriguez and I taught her with a member on Wednesday , and it went super well . She walked a half hour with a stroller to come to church yesterday , and we 're going to teach her again in a few days . The members are excited that she 's doing so well . The name of the game this week was service , service , service . We 're technically supposed to have a few service hours a week , but our mission usually has a hard time finding people who will let us help them . This week was an exception , and we jumped on all the chances we got . It all started last Monday evening , when Elder Rodriguez and I tried going to FHE at the church . We walked out of the apartment to find nice weather , then turned the corner to wait at the bus stop . After three or four minutes , Hurricane Katrina hit Namur and a wave of rain swept through the city . We found a doorway to stand in and partially protect us , and we laughed at all the people who were trying to run home soaking wet . The streets started to flood and cars had to start driving at walking speed with their hazard lights on . We missed the bus because of the rain , so we ended up walking to the church and air dried during FHE . Because of the nice flooding in the region , we received a call the next morning from an older lady in the ward , who asked us for help since her entire basement flooded and everything inside got soaked . So , after district meeting , the four of us suited up and headed over to her house to do some cleanup . We spent a few hours bringing everything out of a corner room in the basement and drying the water until all the moisture was gone . We started patting each other on the back after a job well done , when the lady came up from behind and dumped a big bucket full of water and chemicals onto the nicely dried ground . She explained that she wanted everything clean as well , so we got back to it , did everything a second time , and were rewarded with a nice meal . After we finished and put everything back , the lady told us that if we didn 't come back the next day to do the rest of the basement , everything would be ruined . We agreed to do the rest , and came back the next day . Friday morning rolled around with a phone call from another member family asking for help moving . It just so happens that moving is our specialty , so we suited up for the third time and helped out . After three days of lifting heavy things for multiple hours , our arms have gotten huge ! Watch out . Sunday happened to be ward council , so a bunch of extra people came to church and the missionaries were asked to make some authentic American brownies for the meal afterwards . We couldn 't find all the ingredients we needed but we made some dang good brownies considering the meager circumstances . A few weeks before I got to Namur , Elder Rodriguez and his old companion , Elder Smith , were interviewed by the newspaper and were followed around for a chunk of the day . Thanks to the article that came out soon afterward , people will often say things like , " Hey ! I saw you in the newspaper ! I 'm not interested , but I really respect what you guys do . Right on . " Last night was no exception , and a sweet guy ran out of his yard as he was gardening to talk to us . He told us all about how cool Salt Lake City is and the genealogy archives . I 'll never cease to be surprised by how many Europeans have been to Salt Lake and Utah . It 's like their vacation consists of New York , Las Vegas , temple square , then national parks in Utah . In a single night back in Strasbourg , we talked to two families who had been to the visitor 's center in St George . In between service and meetings we also contacted and knocked on doors , but all we 've got for now are a bunch of potentials . We 'll call them up and see what we can do . Bye bye ( here are some photos from Trevor 's last area of Lille sent to him by his old companion , Elder Tai . He will be securing a new camera this week . Yay ! ) June 09 , 2014 We walked into our apartment one afternoon to find dozens of huge flies swarming around the kitchen and living room . Apparently this has been a problem before , because we also found an electric , battery - powered fly killing racket in the corner . We took turns and went to work , making a big pile of burnt dead flies on the table . The same thing happened the next time we walked in , and the next . And the next . We cleaned the whole place , but they 're somehow getting in through the windows . Are we in the jungles of Africa ? But Namur really is a nice place , apart from the heat and the rain this week . We had a big zone meeting on Tuesday , so we got to take another train and see a new city . It has probably the coolest train station I 've ever seen . Your assignment is now to type in " Liège train station " under Google images and see what it looks like . Go ahead , I 'll give you some time right now . I 'll wait . Still here . While we 're still on the subject of train rides , we took another one to Brussels on Saturday afternoon for stake conference . It was fun seeing all the Brussels sights and the people I knew in the ward from when I was there a year ago . We stayed the night with some Elders in Brussels , then went back to the church the next morning for a broadcasted meeting from Switzerland . Elder Anderson and President Uchtdorf spoke , which was fun to hear . It was at least more fun than sitting on the return train next to a passionate couple . Thursday , we were invited to eat at a member 's house , and they were nice enough to drive us the 1 / 2 hour to get there . In the car , I found out that the husband is a professionally trained chef that started a catering company which has now become the biggest one in the country . He cooked us a fantastic steak meal while his wife was enjoying her private equestrian lessons behind the stables next to the indoor swimming pool , spa , and training gym . Missionary work is pretty tough sometimes . Really though . It is . Besides the highlights I 've given you , Elder Rodriguez and I have been trying to find new investigators from morning until night every day . The days are full of contacting in the city during the day and tracting at night . We 've been finding a decent number of people who say we can teach them , but we haven 't been able to get ahold of them on the phone or schedule anything with them . " I 'm working the weekdays , " " I 'll just call you , " " Wait to call me until July , " and " Sorry , I can 't make it today " were all common phrases this week . We got really tired one day after tracting for a few hours , so we took an ice cream break . It was dang good ice cream . Friday , we were supposed to have a meeting at the church with a member of the bishopric at 6 . After waiting for him for 20 minutes , we called and found out that he actually wasn 't coming until 7 . The church building is in the middle of absolutely nowhere and is surrounded by fields , but we decided to go out for a half hour and see if we can find someone anyway . We hadn 't gone any further than 10 steps out of the building before we ran into a couple who had driven to the church to find out the hours . We chatted with them for a bit , and they ended up asking for a Book of Mormon and expressed a desire to come to church . They would have found a dark and locked church building without any hours posted had we not left at the wrong time . Good stuff ! The cherry on top of the week came last night after we got in bed . Like I said before , our window has a great view of the river , the castle on the hill , and a good chunk of the city . Right after 10 : 30 , a huge city firework show started outside our window , as did a lightning storm in the distance . It was cool to watch fireworks on the left , a lit - up castle on the right , and streaks of lightning right in the middle , all reflected on the river . I 'm sure my Provo apartment will be equally well placed . Since we only had one and half days between the transfer email and transfer day , Tuesday was a mad packing day for Elder Walton and me . We hung out and sifted through our clothes and bags while trying to say goodbye to as many people as we could . We got to go to the Cabys ' house for dinner Tuesday night . They both got home from missions within the past year , so they told us everything we need to know for the end - of - mission time . They 're sweet . Wally and I woke up early on Wednesday morning to get all ready to go , then we dropped him off at the train station to go to his final resting place . As usual , some Soeurs were late for the train , so after seeing them sprinting down the platform with all their suitcases , we threw them on the train , then went back to the apartment for mine . Transfer day sure requires some heavy lifting . I had a train ride to Brussels without any problems , and the Brussels Elders had already told me they would be at the train station to pick me up . I kind of assumed they would be at the platform to help with luggage , but after waiting for a few minutes alone , I decided to try to make it on my own . The unfortunate part was that I way miscalculated on the space I had for packing and ended up shuffling across the station with three large suitcases , a side bag , a large plastic bag full of things , a full - sized military backpack , and an umbrella . Oops . I talked to some cool Americans on the way , but I eventually found everyone else sitting around the station . I waited for Elder Price in Brussels for three hours or so , then we hopped on a train to Namur . Between his bags and mine , we took up almost an entire train car . Once we got to Namur , we walked through the city and were pleasantly surprised . It 's pretty cool looking , there are always tons of people walking around , there 's a university , and we live across the street from a big 15th century citadel / castle we see from our window . We ran up to the top of the walls one morning for exercises and almost died . There wasn 't too much going on in Namur as far as investigators go , so the name of the game this week was finding , finding , finding . There hasn 't been a baptism here all year and President told Price and I that our job is to step things up . We spent most of our time walking around and talking to people . We got a good number of potentials , but the coolest guy we found was a college kid named " Q " . We went and knocked some houses in a really nice neighborhood , and he answered the door . He ended up talking to us for twenty minutes or so in his front yard and was really liking everything . He thought we were super cool and promised to read the Book of Mormon , wanted to watch the Joseph Smith movie , and planned to come to church . He invited us into his garage hangout to talk some more , but as we were on our way out , his dad came in . " Q " quickly said , " uh . . . hey , dad . I just met these cool Americans and invited them in for just a second . " It was clear he knew his dad wouldn 't approve . The dad asked a few questions , then saw that we had given him a Book of Mormon . He didn 't like that very much , so he took the book from his son 's hands , gave it back to us , and basically kicked us out . And that 's Satan with an interception . It was a bummer , but we 're hoping he 'll seek out the church some other way . Let 's see . Other than that , we shut down some 18 year old girls that really wanted to talk to the cool American boys and I got kissed on the hand by a grown man on the street who wanted to thank me for coming on a mission to his country . Too bad it wasn 't the other way around , right ? Joking . Our ward threw a party after church on Sunday to end the fast , and we all got some more Belgian fries in a cone for lunch today . Looks like we 'll have to run up the castle to work that off again . ( editor 's note : Trevor told me today that his camera broke in February which is why he has not been sending any pictures . I was wondering why . Too bad because he had a nice camera and he sent pretty great photos . He is trying to remedy that and hopefully we will have more photos soon ! ) Happy Memorial Day . Another great day to be a citizen of the United States of America . Transfer time , transfer time , transfer time ! And the news is in . I 'm out of Villeneuve D ' Ascq and heading up to Namur come Wednesday morning . It 's a medium sized city in Belgium , so I 'm back up to the cold north . . . just in time for summer . My companion is named Elder Rodriguez , and I 'll be living in an apartment with Elder Price again . Par - tay . I went there a few times when I was in the office , and the city is nice enough . Since I 'm being moved with only one and a half transfers left , time is going to fly by . Elder Walton is already in limbo and waiting for his plane to take off in T - minus 3 days , so he 's what we call the walking dead . He 's already started the official giveaway pile in the apartment , and I 've already nabbed a cool watch . I 'm gonna need to find a new running buddy . In other news , we actually did some missionary work this week as well . Like normal . We went out with the bishop on Tuesday night to find a part - member family , and we had to spend some time hunting down the address . We came to a big gate and an intercom with 25 or so apartment numbers . Bishop : " Well , we have no idea which one is his . I guess we 'll have to pick a random one . If I get this right , you both owe me 2 euros . " Riiiing . No answer . Me : " Well , my turn . If I get this right , you 're buying us ice cream tonight . " Riiiing . No answer . We snuck through the gate behind a car coming in , then found out that Bishop actually was right on his first try . He 's been spreading the news that he won and I owe him money , but he won 't take the dang 2 euros . Even though they weren 't home , we got a call from a recent convert asking if he could see us and the bishop at the church right away . Talk about the right place at the right time . We taught a lesson about service to our 9 year old investigator in Belgium this week . At the end of the lesson , we asked him what he would do to serve . He suggested that his service would be inviting us to his house to clean out his basement and take things to the dump . We couldn 't reject after just teaching a lesson about service , so we went back the next day in normal clothes to help clean up . The day was ultra - packed , so we had to plan out our buses , trains , metros , cars and walking time down to the minute . I had it all planned out perfectly , until one of the buses decided to take the day off and not circulate for the day . Those dang strikes will get ya every time . We had to take a hit and cancel our rendez - vous . We didn 't have too much to do the following day , so we decided to go up to a neighborhood to do some tracting . The usual . Getting off the bus , we always cross the street to go left , but I had the distinct thought to go right that time . After starting down the street , a lady in an electric wheelchair rolled up to us with a hairless dog . As I was learning what a hairless dog feels like , the lady explained that she 's a member , but hasn 't been to church in 15 years or so . She was really nice and is letting us come back soon to have some lessons with her . Right after saying goodbye to her , the next two people we contacted gave us their phone numbers , and one of them let us teach him right there on a park bench . We had to turn around to go home by that time , and while waiting at the bus stop , a lady came up to talk to us . She had talked with the missionaries a year or two ago , but hasn 't had contact since then . We 've been over to teach her family two times since then , and they 're all awesome . Going right was definitely a good choice ! Other than that , we taught some Muslim dudes we found at the university , had a good lesson with " H " and " D " , and found a scary house protected by at least 200 garden gnomes . TWO HUNDRED . Elder Tai has a sense of humor and decided to knock on it , but luckily , no one was home . Thursday morning , we were out contacting by the university as usual . Elder Tai found a Chinese dude in the metro that let us ( by " us " I mean Elder Tai ) teach him about prayer for 20 minutes . Of course , I threw in my token phrases of , " I 'm his companion ! " or " I don 't speak Chinese . I 'm a missionary . I like noodles " as they were required . Upon leaving the metro , we got a long distance snipe shot at a Japanese girl and speed walked until we contacted her . After getting her phone number , we turned around to go the other direction and ended up behind a group of Taiwanese students . Elder Tai couldn 't pass up the opportunity , so he contacted them all and they replied with , " Well , do you want to come eat lunch with us and we could talk some more ? " Much obliged . And so it was that I ended up at a collegiate cafeteria munching on a sandwich and chilling with hip French students . The line was unusually long due to a cafeteria strike , but I was able to pay the student rate and got an invite at the exclusive Asian table as the specially allowed Caucasian friend . I couldn 't really add too much to the conversation since you can only say , " I like noodles " so many times without people wondering why I was actually eating a sandwich . They were nice though . Anyway , the next night , we went with a member to have dinner with two of his nonmember friends . They 've all known each other for decades , and they all share the same obsession for manga / anime from the 70 's and 80 's . It just so happens that Elder Tai knows all about Asian manga as well , so they all had a blast talking about their favorite episodes . They would eventually feel bad and turn to me to ask , " So . . . what 's your favorite manga , Elder Wilson ? " " Well , uh , I guess I watched Pokémon when I was like seven like everyone else . " " Oh . That 's cool . " " Yeah , I suppose so . " After I got back into my element , I went on an exchange with the one and only Elder Shaver . We call him Shaved Ice as a rapper nickname , or Screen Shaver if you prefer the techie lingo . We had a grand ol ' time contacting in Roubaix and finding another French student who was relatively interested . Saturday was a stake High Priest activity , and they all did splits with the missionaries . We got special permission to bring in all the Elders within an hour and a half or so of Lille , and we ended up having 25 companionships of Elders and High Priests to go contacting and visit less actives . Elder Oliverson and Elder Barr got to come up from Amiens , but they missed their return train and had to sleep over at our apartment for the night . It was super fun . In other news , we also got to go to St Omer for a baptismal interview , which also happens to be the smallest city in the mission . The place is famous for its beer factory , and the whole city smelled like hops from the brewery as we drove around in the car . We also found out this week that " J " has been living with his girlfriend , so the baptism thing is at a standstill . He knows that everything is true and wanted to be baptized , but moving out might be too hard for him to accept . Have a good week ! Hopefully you 've got some nice weather on the other side of the pond . It 's been basically perfect over here . À lundi . Hi mom ! I just talked to you for over an hour yesterday , so I don 't know if I have too much to say . Sushi night was good , and we came home with a ton of fresh salmon that we didn 't end up eating . Not bad ! It just so happens that we love salmon . ( editor 's note : Trevor and his companion had dinner on Sunday at the bishop 's home , along with two other young couples , so it was a house full of vibrant children and we could hear all of them during our Skype call ! He and his companion made sushi rolls for everyone . He said he is getting pretty good . ) Well , I guess I could start off with last Thursday . Elder Price came in from Versailles to do an exchange with me in Lille , and we had an awesome time . He came to Lille when he was a little sophomore in high school and stayed with a family for three weeks . He hadn 't seen them since , so when we found out he was coming to Lille for a day , we decided to go pay the family a visit . They lived in a NICE area , and they were super sweet . They let us in , gave us drinks and chocolate , and talked to us for a while about memories of Elder Price as a 16 year - old . Saturday was a packed day , and we started off by helping some members move . We 've helped three families move in the last five weeks . . . I 've never done so much service in my whole mission , but it 's fun . It started pouring rain right when we started , which was kind of a bummer for the people who were moving . We may have gotten mud and water all over their new house and their furniture , but we got everything moved in good time . Right after that was a ward baptism , followed by a barbecue . The downpour stopped right before the barbecue though , so we cooked and ate a variety of meats in some pretty nice weather . We went to Belgium again to teach our favorite 9 year - old , " M " . It 's funny to see exactly how defined the cultural border is between Belgium and France . We could knock on a door three blocks from the border of Belgium , and people will all still say French words in the French way . If we were to take a three minute bus across the border and knock on another door in Belgium , the people would talk just as all Belge people do . If only all the rain from Belgium would respect the border and not creep into Lille and dump on us . It 's rained for three weeks straight and remember my wore out shoes ? Well , both pairs of my shoes have cracks in them . I don 't like wet feet And that 's what I 've got for you this week ! It 's official : now I really am an old missionary . I 've already had my last birthday , last general conference , last Christmas , and now my last Skype call . WELL , I got my trunky papers from the mission today , asking me to coordinate with the mission office about my departure date . Euh . . . am I old enough for this ? I still have people to baptize ! At least I 'm not as old as Elder Walton . He 's going home in three weeks . I had an exchange with him this week , and we had SO much fun . We were together on Thursday , which happened to be a nationwide " no working " day for everyone who lives in France . Everyone had the day off with , of course , the exception of the missionaries and the seasoned bakers who make the blessed baguettes that are so necessary for daily living . Unfortunately , " everyone " DOES mean that there were no metros , buses , or trams in the agglomerate of Lille , meaning that we took the good ol ' heel - toe express instead . And so it was that Walton and I set out for the day without the intention of walking back to the apartment until the evening . We unfortunately don 't live in our area , so we had to walk through some of the less - desirable neighborhoods of Lille to get to the church building . I 'm not sure why so many people were completely drunk at 10 in the morning and wandering around the streets , but I stopped asking questions a long time ago . We stopped in a restaurant to eat unlimited fries for 5 euros for lunch ( yeah , it was the only place open ) , and made it out to our destination by early afternoon . While deep in the clutches of Villeneuve D ' Ascq en route to our rendez - vous , it started pouring rain without warning . Elder Walton and I took cover under a tree on the side of the road while I was lamenting over the fact that I had worn my dry weather shoes . One of my pairs of shoes has cracks on the bottoms that are working their way up the sides of the shoes . I guess my heels and toes have been going TOO express . Proof that I actually work . After all attempts at superglue and silicone filling repairs had failed , I reasoned that I just would stop wearing them in the rain and save my secondary pair for wet weather . Luckily , I particularly enjoy filling my shoes with water before I walk for two hours back to the apartment , so Walton and I were in heaven . Well eventually , Elder Walton and I made it back to the apartment after talking to more people and being yelled at extensively by a weirdo on a bike . He saw us , rode over and called out , " Hey ! Could you tell me about Joseph Smith ? " Well , other than that , we had an awesome FHE with a young member family who invited " H " , " D " and their daughter over for dinner . We got worried when they still weren 't there after 40 minutes , but they just got the time wrong , and everything was good . They came to church on Sunday too . We had interview sessions with President for the Lille zone this week , which means that Elder Tai and I got to give another training and feed everyone whatever we wanted . We ordered pizza and got some other sides , but everyone totally forgot about all the eclairs we bought . We ended up coming home with 15 eclairs and weren 't even able to finish them all . We had a lesson with a recent convert last night , and he says he 's going to want to go on a mission next year if he 's able to do well enough this semester in school . He watches conference talks every night and reads from the " Holy Book of Mormon " all the time . What a stud . And there you have it ! As always , you 're officially up to date on the goings - ons of mission life . Talk to you on Sunday , mom . Well , mother informs me that I 've got less than 100 days left , which is a ton compared to Walton 's few weeks . We 've been waking up early to go running so we can both improve our boyish figures and have a nice little chat every morning . We found a huge public ropes course thing one morning , which we definitely took advantage of . The sign says that the course is for ages 6 and up , but that thing has got to be at least 25 feet high . I just wouldn 't let MY 6 year old go on that thing . Well , Sunday was a fantastic day at church , and we had four ( count ' em . . . FOUR ) investigators come . The first was " J " , who 's progressing towards possibly being baptized by the end of May . After that came " H " and " D " with their daughter , the perfect little French family that we 're teaching . We 're going to teach them at a member family 's house on Friday . A fourth guy that Oliverson and I taught a month ago and haven 't seen since snuck in the back at the beginning of the meeting unnoticed , and everyone was looking . We have some sweet people . Earlier in the week , " J " came with us to a member family 's house for a sushi night . Elder Tai and I scouted out the Chinese store a few days before , bought everything we needed , and prepared the rice and seaweed . We rolled and cut out a big platter of the stuff , then had a really great lesson afterward . We ate enough to be in a rice coma until the following morning , when all four of us Elders got on a train to help out a member family with a move . They live in a NICE place on the outside of Lille , and we worked at tossing all their furniture out the window . We basically covered everything in bubble wrap and dropped it down to people below , who threw it into the truck . We were a pretty efficient bunch . Wednesday was a zone conference of sorts with the 22 missionaries of the Lille zone , and we all met up at the church . The training mostly involved smashing people 's hands with cans of beans to prove a point . Coincidentally , a man in our ward was also filming a fake sacrament meeting that same day for a French church video , so we had to awkwardly have the conference while being as quiet as possible . We got locked in the room a few times while they were shooting scenes in the hallway , but it turned out alright . The guy who 's directing it originally asked if I could be an English bouncer at a breakdance club ( hey , I look like one , okay ? ) , but I had to turn him down because of the filming times . The other Elders are even teaching two security guards who could have taught me how to rough people up , but oh well . Elder Tai and I passed by an old investigator from the area book this week . He 's really nice and is apparently living off the money he made by being a soccer player for some French professional team . Whether he actually played professional ball or not , we went bowling today and all I 've gotta say is that I have some serious potential as a professional bowler . I almost scored 100 in a single game , so watch out . This is a record of my time serving as a full - time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints in the France Paris Mission . À la prochaine ! August 2012 to August 2014 . |
In a city there lived a very wealthy merchant who had a very beautiful daughter , and she said that she would marry only a man who had a green beard . Great forests surrounded the city , and twenty - four robbers lived together in these woods . The captain of these robbers had heard about the girl who would marry only a man with a green beard , so he asked his people if they did not know of a substance that would color a beard green , and they immediately procured such a dye for him . Then he dyed his beard green ( otherwise he was a handsome man ) and rode into the city to the merchant to court his daughter . The girl liked him , so he spent the night there . The next day they made arrangements for the girl to pay him a visit . He said that he possessed a large mansion in the woods . He told the girl to ride along the main road until she came to a bridge . The other side of the bridge she should turn left onto a path , then continue riding until she came to his mansion . Then Greenbeard departed . The merchant 's daughter now made preparations for the journey . She had a good cake baked for her bridegroom , then mounted her horse and rode on her way . Arriving at the bridge she found the side path that Greenbeard had told her about . She rode along this path into the woods . The deeper she went into the woods the narrower the path became , until it was only a narrow footpath . What should she do now ? She could not ride any further , so she dismounted , tied up her horse , and continued on foot . At the end of the pathway she saw a small house with two lions chained near the door . Approaching them she thought , " Should I go any further , or not ? " The lions did nothing , so she went inside . In the first room there were beds and a number of flintlocks hanging on the wall . She went into another room where there was a table . A bird 's cage with a little bird hung from a rafter . The bird said to her , " How did you get here ? This is a robbers ' house . You cannot get away right now , for if you go outside the lions will rip you apart . I will tell you what to do . LMay 12 , 2016 Yeahs an ' yeahs an ' double yeahs ago , deah wuz a nice young Gypsy gal playin ' round an ole oak tree . An ' up comed a squire as she wur a - playin ' , an ' he fa1led in love wid her , an ' asked her ef she 'd go to his hall an ' marry him . An ' she says , " No , sir , you wouldn 't have a pooah Gypsy gal like me . " But he meaned so , an ' stoled her away an ' married her . Now when he bring 'd her home , his mother warn 't ' greeable to let hisself down so low as to marry a Gypsy gal . So she says , " You 'll hev to go an ' ' stry her in de Hundert Mile Wood , an ' strip her star ' - mother - naked , an ' bring back her clothes and her heart and pluck wid you . " And he took 'd his hoss , and she jumped up behint him , and rid behint him into de wood . You 'll be shuah it wor a wood , an ole - fashioned wood we know it should be , wid bears an ' eagles an ' sneks an ' wolfs into it . And when he took 'd her in de wood he says , " Now , I 'll ha ' to kill you here , an ' strip you star ' - mother - naked and tek back your clothes an ' your heart an ' pluck wid me , and show dem to my mammy . " But she begged hard for herself , an ' she says , " Deah 's an eagle into dat wood , an ' he 's gat de same heart an ' pluck as a Christ ' n ; take dat home an ' show it to your mammy , an ' I 'll gin you my clothes as well . " So he stript her clothes affer her , an ' he kilt de eagle , an ' took 'd his heart an ' pluck home , an ' showed it to his mammy , an ' said as he 'd kilt her . And she heared him rode aff , an ' she wents an , an ' she wents an , an ' she wents an , an ' she crep an ' crep an her poor hens and knees , tell she fun ' a way troo de long wood . You ' ah shuah she 'd have hard work to fin ' a way troo it ; an ' long an ' by last she got to de hedge anear de road , so as she 'd hear any one go by . Now , in de marnin ' deah wuz a young genleman comed by an hoss - back , an ' he couldn 't get his hoss by for love nor money ; an ' she hed herself in under de hedge , for she wur afrightened ' twor de same man come back to kill her agin , an ' besides you ' ah shuah she wor ashamed of bein ' naked . An ' he calls out , " Ef you ' ah a ghost , go way ; but ef May 12 , 2016 Once upon a time there was a young lady called Lady Mary , who had two brothers . One summer they all three went to a country seat of theirs , which they had not before visited . Among the other gentry in the neighborhood who came to see them was a Mr . Fox , a bachelor , with whom they , particularly the young lady , were much pleased . He used often to dine with them , and frequently invited Lady Mary to come and see his house . One day that her brothers were absent elsewhere , and she had nothing better to do , she determined to go thither , and accordingly set out unattended . When she arrived at the house and knocked at the door , no one answered . At length she opened it and went in ; over the portal of the door was written : " Be bold , be bold , but not too bold . " She advanced ; over the staircase was the same inscription . She went up ; over the entrance of a gallery , the same again . Still she went on , and over the door of a chamber found written : Be bold , be bold , but not too bold , Lest that your heart 's blood should run cold ! She opened it ; it was full of skeletons and tubs of blood . She retreated in haste , and , coming downstairs , saw from a window Mr . Fox advancing towards the house with a drawn sword in one hand , while with the other he dragged along a young lady by her hair . Lady Mary had just time to slip down and hide herself under the stairs before Mr . Fox and his victim arrived at the foot of them . As he pulled the young lady upstairs , she caught hold of one of the banisters with her hand , on which was a rich bracelet . Mr . Fox cut it off with his sword . The hand and bracelet fell into Lady Mary 's lap , who then contrived to escape unobserved , and got safe home to her brothers ' house . A few days afterwards Mr . Fox came to dine with them as usual . After dinner the guests began to amuse each other with extraordinary anecdotes , and Lady Mary said she would relate to them a remarkable dream she had lately had . " I dreamt , " said she , " that as you , Mr . Fox , had often invited me to your house , I would go there one morning . When I came / Clare Testoni There was once a man who had fine houses , both in town and country , a deal of silver and gold plate , embroidered furniture , and coaches gilded all over with gold . But this man was so unlucky as to have a blue beard , which made him so frightfully ugly that all the women and girls ran away from him . One of his neighbors , a lady of quality , had two daughters who were perfect beauties . He desired of her one of them in marriage , leaving to her choice which of the two she would bestow on him . Neither of them would have him , and they sent him backwards and forwards from one to the other , not being able to bear the thoughts of marrying a man who had a blue beard . Adding to their disgust and aversion was the fact that he already had been married to several wives , and nobody knew what had become of them . Bluebeard , to engage their affection , took them , with their mother and three or four ladies of their acquaintance , with other young people of the neighborhood , to one of his country houses , where they stayed a whole week . The time was filled with parties , hunting , fishing , dancing , mirth , and feasting . Nobody went to bed , but all passed the night in rallying and joking with each other . In short , everything succeeded so well that the youngest daughter began to think that the man 's beard was not so very blue after all , and that he was a mighty civil gentleman . As soon as they returned home , the marriage was concluded . About a month afterwards , Bluebeard told his wife that he was obliged to take a country journey for six weeks at least , about affairs of very great consequence . He desired her to divert herself in his absence , to send for her friends and acquaintances , to take them into the country , if she pleased , and to make good cheer wherever she was . " Here , " said he , " are the keys to the two great wardrobes , wherein I have my best furniture . These are to my silver and gold plate , which is not everyday in use . These open my strongboxes , which hold my money , both gold and silver ; these my caskets of jewels . And this is the masterMay 09 , 2016 Once upon a time the devil was seized with a desire to marry . He therefore left hell , took the form of a handsome young man , and built a fine large house . When it was completed and furnished in the most fashionable style he introduced himself to a family where there were three pretty daughters , and paid his addresses to the eldest of them . The handsome man pleased the maiden , her parents were glad to see a daughter so well provided for , and it was not long before the wedding was celebrated . When he had taken his bride home , he presented her with a very tastefully arranged bouquet , led her through all the rooms of the house , and finally to a closed door . " The whole house is at your disposal , " said he , " only I must request one thing of you ; that is , that you do not on any account open this door . " Of course the young wife promised faithfully ; but equally , of course , she could scarcely wait for the moment to come when she might break her promise . When the devil had left the house the next morning , under pretence of going hunting , she ran hastily to the forbidden door , opened it , and saw a terrible abyss full of fire that shot up towards her , and singed the flowers on her bosom . When her husband came home and asked her whether she had kept her promise , she unhesitatingly said " Yes . " But he saw by the flowers that she was telling a lie , and said , " Now I will not put your curiosity to the test any longer . Come with me . I will show you myself what is behind the door . " Thereupon he led her to the door , opened it , gave her such a push that she fell down into hell , and shut the door again . A few months after he wooed the next sister for his wife , and won her ; but with her everything that had happened with the first wife was exactly repeated . Finally he courted the third sister . She was a prudent maiden , and said to herself , " He has certainly murdered my two sisters ; but then it is a splendid match for me , so I will try and see whether I cannot be more fortunate than they . " And accordingly she consented . After the wedding the brMay 09 , 2016 Three young ladies live at a castle . A gentleman comes to visit them daily . They know not who he is or where he lives . He asks the youngest to accompany him home . She goes with him , eats , drinks , and returns . She asks his coachman his master 's name , " Laula . " She thinks it a pretty name ; her elder sister a bad one . Next evening she goes again . They eat , drink , and play cards . He leaves the room , and returns with a phial of blood . " Is your blood as red as this ? " She pretends that he is jesting ; but he cuts off her finger , opens the window , and throws it to the big dog , afterwards killing her . The tale goes on , " Who got the finger ? The elder sister got it . " It then explains how she had followed the pair by the track of the horse 's feet , pacified the dog , and caught the finger ( with ring on ) thrown to him . She desires her father to issue invitations to a dinner . Everyone comes and has to tell a tale or sing a song . On Laula 's plate is placed nothing but this finger . When the elder sister tells her tale , he grows uneasy , and says he must go outside . He twice interrupts thus , but is restrained by the other gentlemen . She gives him away , and at the old father 's suggestion he is placed in a barrel filled with grease and burnt to death . Source : Francis Hindes Groome , Gypsy Folk - Tales ( London : Hurst and Blackett , 1899 ) , pp . 174 - 75 . Once upon a time there was an old widow who lived , with her three daughters , far away from the rest of the world , next to a mountain . She was so poor that her only animal was a single hen , which she prized as the apple of her eye . It was always cackling at her heels , and she was always running to look after it . One day , all at once , the hen was gone . The old woman went out , and walked around and around the cottage , looking and calling for her hen , but it was gone , and could not be found . So the woman said to her oldest daughter , " You must just go out and see if you can find our hen , for we must have it back , even if we have to fetch it out of the mountain . " The daughter was ready enough to go , so she set off and walked up and down , and looked and called , but she could not find the hen . Suddenly , just as she was about to give up the hunt , she heard someone calling out from a cleft in the rock : Your hen is in the mountain ! Your hen is in the mountain ! So she went into the cleft to see what it was , but she had barely set foot inside , when she fell through a trapdoor , deep , deep down , into an underground cavern . When she got to the bottom she went through many rooms , each finer than the one before it ; but in the innermost room of all , a large ugly troll came to her and asked , " Will you be my sweetheart ? " " No ! I will not , " she said . She wouldn 't have him for any price ! All she wanted was to get above ground again as fast as ever she could , and to find her lost hen . Then the troll got so angry that he picked her up , twisted her head off , and then threw both the head and body into the cellar . While this was going on , her mother sat at home waiting and waiting , but no daughter came . After she had waited a bit longer , and neither heard nor saw anything of her daughter , she told her middle daughter to go out and look for her sister , and , she added , " Give our hen a call at the same time . " So the second sister had to set off , and the very same thing happened to her . She was looking and calling , and suddenly she too heard a voice calMay 09 , 2016 Uncle Remus 's little patron seemed to be so shocked at the burning of the woman [ in the previous story , " How a Witch Was Caught " ] that the old man plunged at once into a curious story about a little boy and his two dogs . One time there was a woman living alongside the big road , and this woman , she had one little boy . It seems to me that he must have been just about your size . He might have been a little broader in the shoulders and a little longer in the legs , yet , take him up one side and down the other , he was just about your shape and size . He was a mighty smart little boy , and his mammy set lots by him . It seems like she had never had any luck except with that boy , because there was a time when she had a little gal , and bless your soul , somebody came along and carried the little gal off , and the little boy didn 't have a little sister anymore . This made both of them mighty sorry , but it looked like the little boy was the sorriest , because he showed it the most . Some days he 'd take a notion to go and hunt for his little sister , and then he 'd go down the big road and climb a big pine tree , and get clear to the top , and look all around to see if he couldn 't see his little sister somewhere in the woods . He couldn 't see her , but he 'd stay up there in the tree and swing in the wind and allow to himself that maybe he might see her by and by . One day while he was sitting up there , he saw two mighty fine ladies walking down the road . He climbed down out of the tree , he did , and ran and told his mammy . The she up an asked , " How fine are they , honey ? " " Mighty fine , mammy , mighty fine : puffy - out petticoats and long green veils . " " How do they look , honey ? " " Spick - and - span new , mammy . " " They aren 't any of our kin , are they , honey ? " " That they aren 't , mammy . They are mighty fine ladies . " The fine ladies , they came on down the road , they did , and stopped by the woman 's house , and begged to please give them some water . The little boy , he ran and fetched them a gourd full , and they put the gourd under their veils and drank , and drank , an / Clare Testoni There was once a poor woodcutter , who had a wife and three daughters dependent on him . One day , while he was working in the forest , a stranger passed that way and stopped to talk with him . Hearing he had three daughters the stranger persuaded him , for a large sum of money , which he paid on the spot , to let him have the eldest girl in marriage . When the woodcutter went home at dusk , he boasted of the bargain to his wife , and next morning , took the girl to a certain cave and there gave her over to the stranger , who said that his name was Abu Freywar . As soon as the woodman was gone , Abu Freywar said to her , " You must be hungry , eat these . " So saying , he took a knife and cut off both his ears , which he gave to her together with a nasty - looking loaf of black bread . The girl refusing such food , he hung her up by the hair from the ceiling of a chamber in the cave , which had meanwhile become a magnificent palace . Next day , Abu Freywar went again to the forest and found the woodcutter . " I want your second daughter for my brother , " he said . " Here is the money . Bring her to the cave tomorrow . " The woodcutter , delighted at his great good fortune , brought his second daughter to Abu Freywar , and directly he had gone , Abu Freywar gave the girl his ears , which had grown afresh , to eat . She said she was not hungry just then , but would keep them to eat by - and - by . When he went out of the room , she tried to deceive him by hiding his ears under a carpet on the floor . When he returned and asked if she had eaten them , she said " Yes . " But he called out , " Ears of mine , are you hot or cold ? " and they answered promptly , " Cold as ice , and lying under the carpet . " Whereupon Abu Freywar , in a rage hung her up beside her sister . He then went and asked for the youngest daughter , whose name was Zerendac , saying , that he wanted her for another brother . But the girl , a spoilt child , refused to go unless she might take with her a pet kitten and a box in which she kept her treasures . Hugging those , she went with Abu Freywar to the cave . She proved wiser than May 09 , 2016 Once there was a poor orphan girl who worked as a servant at the house of a rich man . Her dearest companion was a little dog that her parents had given her before they died . One day the chieftain of a robber band , disguised as an ordinary servant , came to the rich man 's house and asked the girl to marry him . Sensing something sinister about him , the girl rejected the suitor 's advances , so , with the assistance of his fellow robbers , he carried her away by force . Now a prisoner in the robber 's house , the girl still refused to marry him , in spite of his friendly words , his threats , and his abuse . Finally he gave up his attempts to win her love , and sold her to a wild and cruel innkeeper . Now this innkeeper would rob travelers , kill them , cut them into pieces , and serve their cooked flesh to his other guests . He terrorized the poor girl by showing her the valuables he had stolen from his victims , the room where he murdered them , and the weapons he used for his wicked deeds . Then he locked her and her little dog in an adjoining room . Soon afterward he brought in a little boy whom he had captured in the woods gathering berries . He cut off the boy 's head and cut him into pieces . Then he forced the girl to cook the boy 's flesh and serve it to the innkeeper 's guests . Some time later the innkeeper brought in a very old woman , ugly and wrinkled , and nothing but skin and bones . Perhaps wanting to fatten her up for later , he locked her in the room with the girl and her dog . After their captor had left , the old woman told the girl that the cannibal innkeeper was her own son , and that she , disguised so well that he could not recognize her , had come to punish him for his wickedness . Skilled in witchcraft , the old woman told the girl how she could escape . She would first have to kill her little dog and eat a piece of its heart . The girl did this , and then the old woman rubbed some ointment all over the girl 's body , which transformed her into a duck . A little later the wild man opened the door , and the duck flew over his head , escaping iMay 09 , 2016 THERE was once on a time a miller , who had a beautiful daughter , and as she was grown up , he wished that she was provided for , and well married . He thought , " If any good suitor comes and asks for her , I will give her to him . " Not long afterwards , a suitor came , who appeared to be very rich , and as the miller had no fault to find with him , he promised his daughter to him . The maiden , however , did not like him quite so much as a girl should like the man to whom she is engaged , and had no confidence in him . Whenever she saw , or thought of him , she felt a secret horror . Once he said to her , " Thou art my betrothed , and yet thou hast never once paid me a visit . " The maiden replied , " I know not where thy house is . " Then said the bridegroom , " My house is out there in the dark forest . " She tried to excuse herself and said she could not find the way there . The bridegroom said , " Next Sunday thou must come out there to me ; I have already invited the guests , and I will strew ashes in order that thou mayst find thy way through the forest . " When Sunday came , and the maiden had to set out on her way , she became very uneasy , she herself knew not exactly why , and to mark her way she filled both her pockets full of peas and lentils . Ashes were strewn at the entrance of the forest , and these she followed , but at every step she threw a couple of peas on the ground . She walked almost the whole day until she reached the middle of the forest , where it was the darkest , and there stood a solitary house , which she did not like , for it looked so dark and dismal . She went inside it , but no one was within , and the most absolute stillness reigned . Suddenly a voice cried , " Turn back , turn back , young maiden dear , ' Tis a murderer 's house you enter here . " The maiden looked up , and saw that the voice came from a bird , which was hanging in a cage on the wall . Again it cried , " Turn back , turn back , young maiden dear , ' Tis a murderer 's house you enter here . " Then the young maiden went on farther from one room to another , and walked through the whole hoMay 09 , 2016 In the Western Isles of Scotland there lived a very rich man , of the name of Gregory , who had two beautiful daughters , to whom he was inordinately attached , but being vastly rich , he would not suffer either of them to go for an hour out of his presence without a strong detachment of the inmates of his house accompanying them wherever they went ; and for the purpose of defending them from violent attacks that might be made upon them , or being carried off by the lawless banditti who at that time infested that part of the country . It happened , however , one day when they were at their usual walk and recreation , a little distance from their house , there came up to them a gentleman with his servant on horseback , who accosted them in a rather familiar way , asking them if those men they saw at a little distance were attendants of theirs ? They were answered in the affirmative . He also put some other questions to them which they did not choose to answer . One of the ladies then wished to know how he was so impertinent ; when he replied that , being much attached to the elder of the two , her beauty being so enchanting , he broke through the rules of good breeding . As flattery has too often the desired effect of gaining its purpose over silly minds , it wrought upon this lady like a charm , and made her the more attentive to his bewitching strain , Having so far gained her heart and confidence , he next got all the information that he wanted regarding her place of residence , and other particulars , with liberty to visit her as a suitor . These preliminaries having been settled , the ladies returned home , attended by the stranger gentleman , who gave his name as Mr . Greenwood , proprietor of an extensive tract of land on one of the neighbouring islands . His visits becoming so frequent , and himself so familiar , that at length he entreated the lady , his sweetheart , to pay a visit in return to his castle , as it was but a short way off , to which she consented . The necessary instructions were given her for finding the castle secretly , as she could nMay 09 , 2016 In a certain village there lived an old Brahman who had three sons and a daughter . The girl being the youngest was brought up most tenderly and become spoilt , and so whenever she saw a beautiful boy she would say to her parents that she must be wedded to him . Her parents were , therefore , much put about to devise excuses for taking her away from her youthful lovers . Thus passed on some years , until the girl was very nearly grown up , and then the parents , fearing that they would be driven out of their caste if they failed to dispose of her hand in marriage before she came to the years of maturity , began to be eager about finding a bridegroom for her . Now near their village there lived a fierce tiger , that had attained to great proficiency in the art of magic , and had the power of assuming different forms . Having a great taste for Brahman 's food , the tiger used now and then to frequent temples and other places of public refreshment in the shape of an old famished Brahman in order to share the food prepared for the Brahmans . The tiger also wanted , if possible , a Brahman wife to take to the woods , and there to make her cook his meals after her fashion . One day , when he was partaking of his meals in Brahman shape at a public feeding place , he heard the talk about the Brahman girl who was always falling in love with every beautiful Brahman boy . Said he to himself , " Praised be the face that I saw first this morning . I shall assume the shape of a Brahman boy , and appear as beautiful as can be , and win the heart of the girl . " Next morning he accordingly assumed the form of a Brahman teacher proficient in the Ramayana near the landing of the sacred river of the village . Scattering holy ashes profusely over his body he opened the Ramayana and began to read . " The voice of the new teacher is most enchanting . Let us go and hear him , " said some women among themselves , and sat down before him to hear him expound the great book . The girl for whom the tiger had assumed this shape came in due time to bathe at the river , and as soon as sMay 09 , 2016 by Jacob and Wilhelm GrimmOnce upon a time there was a sorcerer who was a thief . He disguised himself as a poor man and went begging from house to house . A girl came to the door and brought him a piece of bread . He touched her , and she was forced to jump into his pack basket . Then he carried her to his house where everything was splendid , and he gave her everything that she wanted . One day he said , " I have to take care of something away from home . I will be away for a while . Here is an egg . Take good care of it . Carry it with you at all times . And here is a key , but at the risk of your life , do not go into the room that it opens . But as soon as he had gone , she unlocked the door and went into the room . In the middle there was a large basin . In it there were dead and dismembered people . She was so terrified that she dropped the egg , which she was holding in her hand , into the basin . She quickly took it out again and wiped off the blood , but it reappeared in an instant . She could not get the egg clean , no matter how much she wiped and scrubbed . When the man returned , he asked for the egg and the key . He looked at them and knew that she had been in the blood chamber . " You did not heed my words , " he said angrily , " and now you are going into the chamber against your will . " With that he seized her , led her into the room , cut her up in pieces , and threw her into the basin with the others . Sometime later the man went begging again . He captured the second daughter from the house , and the same thing happened to her as to the first one . She too opened the forbidden door , dropped the egg into the blood , and was cut to pieces and thrown into the basin . Then the sorcerer wanted to have the third daughter . He captured her in his pack basket , carried her home , and at his departure gave her the egg and the key . However , the third sister was clever and sly . First of all , she put the egg in a safe place , and then she went into the secret chamber . When she saw her sisters in the basin , she found all of their parts and put each one back May 09 , 2016 Once upon a time there was a farmer who had a daughter who used to take his dinner to him in the fields . One day he said to her , " So that you may find me I will sprinkle bran along the way . You follow the bran , and you will come to me . " By chance the old ogre passed that way , and seeing the bran , said , " This means something . " So he took the bran and scattered it so that it led to his own house . When the daughter set out to take her father his dinner , she followed the bran until she came to the ogre 's house . When the ogre saw the young girl , he said , " You must be my wife . " Then she began to weep . When the father saw that his daughter did not appear , he went home in the evening , and began to search for her , and not finding her , he asked God to give him a son or a daughter . A year after , he had a son whom they called Don Firriulieddu . When the child was three days old it spoke , and said , " Have you made me a cloak ? Now give me a little dog and the cloak , for I must look for my sister . " So he set out and went to seek his sister . After a while he came to a plain where he saw a number of men , and asked , " Whose cattle are these ? " The herdsman replied , " They belong to the ogre , who fears neither God nor the saints , who fears Don Firriulieddu , who is three days old , and is on the way , and gives his dog bread and says , ' Eat , my dog , and do not bark , for we have fine things to do . ' " Afterwards he saw a flock of sheep , and asked , " Whose are these sheep ? " and received the same answer as from the herdsman . Then he arrived at the ogre 's house and knocked , and his sister opened the door and saw the child . " Who are you looking for ? " she said . " I am looking for you , for I am your brother , and you must return to mamma . " When the ogre heard that Don Firriulieddu was there , he went and hid himself upstairs . Don Firriulieddu asked his sister , " Where is the ogre ? " " Upstairs . " Don Firriulieddu said to his dog , " Go upstairs and bark , and I will follow you . " The dog went up and barked , and Firriulieddu followed him , and killed the ogre . Then he took hiMay 09 , 2016 Next to a great forest there lived an old man who had three sons and two daughters . Once they were sitting together thinking of nothing when a splendid carriage suddenly drove up and stopped in front of their house . A dignified gentleman climbed from the carriage , entered the house , and engaged the father and his daughters in conversation . Because he especially liked the youngest one , he asked the father if he would not give her to him to be his wife . This seemed to the father to be a good marriage , and he had long desired to see his daughters taken care of while he was still alive . However , the daughter could not bring herself to say yes , for the strange knight had an entirely blue beard , which caused her to shudder with fear whenever she looked at him . She went to her brothers , who were valiant knights , and asked them for advice . The brothers thought that she should accept Bluebeard , and they gave her a little whistle , saying , " If you are ever threatened , just blow this whistle , and we will come to your aid ! " Thus she let herself be talked into becoming the strange man 's wife , but she did arrange for her sister to accompany her when King Bluebeard took her to his castle . When the young wife arrived there , there was great joy throughout the entire castle , and King Bluebeard was very happy as well . This continued for about four weeks , and then he said that he was going on a journey . He turned all the keys of the castle over to his wife , saying , " You may go anywhere in the castle , unlock everything , and look at anything you want to , except for one door , to which this little golden key belongs . If you value your life , you are not allowed to open it ! " " Oh no ! " she said , adding that she surely would not open that door . But after the king had been away for a while , she could find no rest for constantly thinking about what there might be in the forbidden chamber . She was just about to unlock it when her sister approached her and held her back . However , on the morning of the fourth day , she could no longer resist the temptat / Clare Testoni |
Jodie let herself fall back onto the hospital bed , catching her breath and waiting . For awhile - - for too long - - no one said anything . Then , finally . . . a small thin wail filled the silence . Jodie nodded firmly . " Zion . " They 'd talked about names over and over again over the past nine months , and although Mack hadn 't been too thrilled about Jodie 's choices they 'd finally come to an agreement . If it was a boy , Mack could name it . If it was a girl , Jodie got to decide . They 'd chosen not to find out the baby 's sex until it was born , so it wasn 't until that very moment that they 'd found out who " won . " At last the nurse pronounced Zion perfectly healthy and placed her in Jodie 's arms . She looked down at her newborn daughter and felt . . . nothing . Jodie knew that almost every single one of the baby books she 'd read emphasized that although some mothers feel an instant bond with their children , most don 't . She realized that some small part of her had been hoping it would happen , but as she looked at her baby she just felt tired and kind of numb . Maybe it 's the epidural , she decided . She smiled at Zion and Mack took their picture . After it wears off , who knows how I 'll feel ? The next couple of days were a bit of a blur . Mack and Jodie 's parents flew out right away to meet their new granddaughter , but most of Jodie 's time was spent being poked and prodded by hospital staff until she was finally deemed ready to go home . " You 've gotta rest whenever you can , " Tina Mackenzie scolded gently . " Never forget : sleep when the baby sleeps . " The others nodded knowingly before turning their attention back to Zion . He grinned and held up the phone so she could see the photo he 'd taken of her holding the baby . " It 's official now , " he explained . " It 's on Facebook . " " Posted less than a minute and you 've already got three ' likes , ' " she said . " Impressive . " She pulled out her own phone and added , " Hey , that reminds me . I 'd better check in with work . " She smirked and rolled her eyes at him as she hit the speed dial for the consulting firm where she worked . After giving her boss the news , accepting his congratulations , and answering a few questions , she ended the call and said , " There . All done . " " Except the part where they scramble to find someone to cover all the minority clients for the next eight weeks , " Mack teased . She nudged him . " Shhh , " she whispered . She didn 't want her mother to hear that . She sometimes wondered if Sutherland Consulting gave her most of the minority clients because of her skin color , but chose to pretend otherwise while she networked and prepared for the day when she 'd be ready to start her own business . Even though she was only 27 , she had already become an important member of the firm . Race had nothing to do with it as far as she was concerned ; she 'd worked hard and earned a good reputation in her field from the moment she 'd graduated summa cum laude from Turner . " Poor kid probably thought she was being hounded by the paparazzi , " Jodie said , keeping her eyes on Zion . I still don 't feel anything , she thought with mild concern . I know , I know , the baby books said it usually takes a little while . But they didn 't say how long it takes ! She forced herself to stop worrying . You 've barely had a moment alone with her since you got home from the hospital , she reminded herself . Now that you can be one - on - one , you 'll bond with her in no time . The next day , Jodie sat on the couch while holding the baby monitor . Mack had gone out to pick up some groceries , and she 'd been sitting there , not moving , for more than twenty minutes . Zion has been asleep for almost three hours , she fretted , looking in the direction of the nursery . Should I wake her up ? She might be hungry . Several of the baby - care books she 'd read said newborns shouldn 't sleep more than three hours at a stretch during the day , and Zion was getting close to that deadline . I 'm sure she needs a diaper change by now . At least one of the books had also stressed the importance of changing soiled diapers as soon as possible - - particularly for girls , who were vulnerable to bladder infections . What if she needs a change ? I should go in and check . Switching off the monitor , she stood up and started walking toward Zion 's room . Then she stopped . Or maybe I should take a nap myself . She didn 't feel tired , but Tina 's words still rang in her head . " Sleep when the baby sleeps . " Jodie turned the monitor back on , set it on an end table , and returned to the couch . Stretching out , she closed her eyes and immediately began worrying about whether Zion was eating enough . It so hard to know for sure . The pediatrician had mentioned keeping track of wet and soiled diapers , which would tell her if she was taking in enough food . I think she 's had three wet diapers and one soiled . . . or is it two and two ? Damn , I should be writing that kind of thing down so I don 't forget . I could take the monitor into the bathroom , she thought , eyes still closed . But what if she wakes up while I 'm in the shower ? She rolled over and willed her brain to stop so she could rest . Suddenly her eyes opened and her head jerked up . She looked at the monitor , trying to figure out if she 'd heard a cough or if it was just the house settling or something . I wish Mack would get home already . She pulled herself back up to a sitting position , giving up on the idea of a nap . She turned the volume on the monitor up . Seriously , what if she 's getting hungry ? I won 't know until she starts crying . " Crying is a late sign of hunger , " the instructor at the parenting class had warned . " When babies are hungry , they first suck on their hands and root with their mouths . Try to catch those signs before the baby starts crying ! " Well , great . But Zion never seems to do any of those things . And even if she did , I can 't see her right now . So how would I even know ? She turned the monitor up again , now to the point where it sounded like static was coming through the speaker . Maybe I should have something to eat , she thought . She 'd only picked at her lunch , not feeling particularly hungry . She hadn 't really felt hungry at all since Zion had been born . Wondering if that was normal , she got up and picked up one of her well - thumbed pregnancy books and paged blearily through the index . The first reference she found to " loss of appetite " in the post - pregnancy chapter was in a section labeled " Post - Partum Depression . " " Most women experience the ' baby blues ' after giving birth , " she read . " They often feel anxious , sad , tired , emotional , or otherwise unhappy for a week or two . If , however . . . . " Jodie sighed with relief . It 's normal . This is all totally normal . Now reassured , she lay back down on the couch and decided to try for a nap again . Almost immediately , Zion 's high - pitched cries shrieked out of the monitor at a deafening volume . By the time Mack returned from the grocery store , Zion was asleep again and Jodie was exactly where he 'd left her - - perched on the edge of the couch , clutching the monitor in front of her . " Might not be a bad idea to move around every once in a while , " he joked . " Keeps the muscles from seizing up . " Jodie didn 't even smile . " She didn 't eat very much , " she said , tearing her eyes away from the monitor . " Not even two ounces . The baby books said - - " Mack set the grocery bags down on the counter and came over to sit next to her . " Jodie , never mind about the baby books , okay ? " He sighed , and she could hear the concern in his voice as he added , " Just try to relax . " " I 'm fine , " she told him , realizing belatedly that she did not sound at all fine . Trying to sound calmer , she explained , " There 's a lot of stuff I don 't know . That we don 't know . Those books are an important resource to finding that stuff out . " She pulled her hand away and looked back at the monitor . " I don 't want to use trial - and - error on her , " she said . " It 's not like testing out a new recipe or fixing a car . This is important . " Mack looked at her for awhile . Finally he got up and started putting groceries away . " I get it , " he said at last . " Just . . . remember you don 't have to be perfect , okay ? " She nodded , but all she could think was , Of course not . No one is perfect . But I can still do the best I possibly can . Jodie watched the front door close and immediately felt her heart drop into her stomach . Her entire body was shaking with fear in spite of the cheerful goodbye she 'd given Mack moments before as he left for his first day back at work . For a few seconds Jodie thought about racing to the door and yelling for Mack to come back . She wanted to scream , You can 't leave me here alone ! She stopped herself at the last moment and took a few deep breaths . They didn 't help . Turning around , she looked at Zion , who was still asleep in her little bouncer seat . She lowered herself gingerly onto the couch and watched her sleep , willing herself to feel something . She 's over a week old and I still feel nothing when I look at her . She dropped her chin into her hands . Well , I guess that 's not true . I feel stupid and panicky and helpless . But not love . She got up again and stood over the bouncer seat to stare at Zion , concentrating as hard as she could in hopes that a sudden rush of emotion would come over her if she just tried hard enough . Nothing happened . Looking around her , she started to wonder what she should do next . She hadn 't eaten breakfast , taken a shower , or even changed out of her pajamas - - which were in reality the clothes she 'd worn the previous day . She wondered if she should try to take a nap ( " Sleep when the baby sleeps ! Sleep when the baby sleeps ! Sleep when the baby sleeps ! " ) or maybe tidy up the house a little . One option after another flitted through her thoughts , but still she sat , paralyzed . All she could do was stare at Zion . You have to do something , she urged herself , but her body refused to cooperate . She just stared at the baby and let a million thoughts , fears , and questions whirl around her brain . I should do something . Anything . But what if it 's the wrong thing ? What if Zion wakes up at the wrong time ? What if she sleeps too long ? If she 's hungry , will I be able to tell ? What if she 's sick and I haven 't noticed the symptoms ? Oh God , what if she 's sick and I have to figure out how to get her to the doctor 's office on top of everything else ? Jodie looked at a nearby clock and saw that Mack had been gone for less than fifteen minutes . The hours before he returned stretched into eternity . I can 't do this , she thought desperately . At least when Mack is here , I have someone who can help me decide what to do . When it 's just me . . . I 'm completely lost . A sudden terror came over her . And he 'll go back again tomorrow . And the day after that . And almost every day from now on . And in seven weeks I 'll be going back to work , too . . . . She found herself gasping for air , frantically breathing as if she 'd just run for five miles . Back to work , she thought numbly . How ? There 's no way I 'll ever be able to do it . Jodie looked down at herself . It was past nine o ' clock and she hadn 't even changed her clothes or eaten breakfast yet . How was she going to do all of those things , take a shower , get Zion ready to go to daycare - - Gasp . Gasp . Gasp . She could barely breathe . Stop thinking about that , she told herself as she lay down on the couch on her side and drew her knees up to her chin . You 've got almost two months before that happens . It seemed vaguely odd that the single week that she 'd just lived through could seem like a tortuously long time , yet seven weeks seemed to be lurking right around the corner . The week dragged on , yet looking back Jodie couldn 't even distinguish one day from another . Every morning she woke up when Mack did , then agonized about whether she should actually get up and try to accomplish something or stay in bed and conserve her energy for the long day ahead . At last she 'd drag herself out of the bedroom and sit groggily on the couch while Mack got ready for work . When she wasn 't waiting for Zion to wake up , she was paging through one reference book after another trying to find answers to her never - ending list of questions . " How often should a baby 's diaper be changed ? " " Should you wake a baby up to change it or feed it ? " " Can a baby sleep too long ? " " How often should you bathe a baby ? " " How can you tell if the white stuff in the baby 's mouth is yeast or just milk ? " And on and on and on . When the stack of books failed to help , she would turn to the internet and crawl through page after page of search results . Very rarely did she find reassurance ; more often than not , she only discovered more questions and problems that hadn 't even occurred to her before . And that would trigger another round of reading and searching . During feedings , she worried that she wasn 't stopping often enough to burp her and Zion would get gassy or spit up most of her meal . During diaper changes , she worried that she wasn 't being thorough enough and Zion might get a rash or an infection . During Zion 's every other waking moment , she worried that she wasn 't doing enough to stimulate her or bond with her . All the books say I should read to her as early as possible . But they also say that music is really important , too . If I put music on and read to her at the same time , would that be too much ? Or I could get some toys out , but which ones ? And what about tummy time ? I 'm supposed to put her on her stomach several times a day to strengthen her neck muscles and keep her head from getting flat , but when she isn 't sleeping , she 's eating . When am I supposed to fit that in on top of everything else ? It was at least the tenth time he 'd asked that morning . He 'd asked while she sat listlessly in bed , willing herself to find the strength to get up . He 'd asked while she stood outside the bathroom , agonizing over whether she should bother taking a shower . He 'd asked while she mechanically and silently ate her cereal at breakfast . He sighed . " Listen to me , Jodie , " he said . When she didn 't react , he put his hands on her shoulders and gently turned her towards him . " Please . Tell me straight . Are you okay ? " " Except that you aren 't . " He pulled her close to him for a hug , and while she didn 't resist , nor did she respond in kind . " You aren 't yourself , Jodie . Not even the you I see when you 're at your most stressed out . And I 've seen you pretty stressed out , remember ? " Jodie didn 't need him to clarify what he meant . The phrase " post - partum depression " floated back through her mind . Therapy ? She frowned . I can 't even get it together enough to take a shower every day . How the hell would I squeeze regular trips to a therapist into - - She realized she was starting to breathe too fast again and pushed the whole thing out of her thoughts . " It 's not that bad , " she told Mack . " All the books say that it 's normal to feel like this for at least a week or two . " She could feel Mack was about to argue , so she squeezed him back . Pulling away , she finally looked at her husband . " There 's just . . . so much , " she finally said . Normally very precise in her language , she discovered she just couldn 't find the words she was grasping for , so she strung them together the best she could . " It 's like , " she said haltingly , " like there 's a million things I could do or not do at every moment , okay ? And I never know which thing is the right thing . . . or if there is a right thing and maybe I shouldn 't do anything at all . But then I 'm worried that doing nothing is the wrong thing , and that I should do something after all . And then I 'm trying so hard to figure out which thing to do that I can 't do anything anyway . " She peered at his face , hoping for some sign that he had understood what she was feeling through the messy jumble of words that had come out of her mouth . She didn 't see it . At last he gave her another hug . " You 've been really busy taking care of Zion , " he said reassuringly . " Why don 't I take over today and you can take it easy ? " " That 's not - - " Jodie bit back the rest of what she was going to say . She hadn 't been doing too much , she wanted to explain . She hadn 't been doing enough . She had to keep trying , keep spending time with the baby , so she could figure out how to do it right . But Mack didn 't get it , and worse , he was worried about her . The last thing she wanted to do was make him worry . She nodded slightly . " Okay . " She watched him numbly as he got up to check on Zion . She didn 't want him to take over caring for the baby . It wouldn 't help ; in fact , as far as she was concerned she needed to spend as much time taking care of Zion as she could . It 's the only way I 'll get past this , she told herself . The weekend had ended , and Mack was back at work . He 'd spent most of his time feeding Zion , changing her diapers , and getting her to sleep . Even at night , he 'd been the one to get up every time she cried . Jodie had half - heartedly offered to go instead a few times , but Mack had assured her he was fine and to go back to sleep . Now , she was back on her own with the baby and it was as if nothing had changed . Well , that 's not quite true , Jodie thought as she hugged her knees to her chest . I 'm even more terrified than I was before . That 's change . She leaned back on the couch and took a few deep breaths . They didn 't help . She looked nervously at Zion , sleeping peacefully in the swing as it click - clacked back and forth . When they 'd first bought the swing - - the highest rated in the books and online sites Jodie had read - - she 'd thought the sound was soothing , like the ticking of a metronome . Now it just made her feel tense and agitated . She continued to stare at Zion until she realized that she was waiting for something to happen . What , she wasn 't sure . Maybe for music to swell and a sudden burning love to grow . Maybe for something to click in her brain and suddenly she 'd know exactly what to do as a mother . Or maybe just for Zion to wake up so Jodie could have something to do to keep her brain occupied for half an hour or so . At last she tore her eyes away . How do other people do this ? She thought about her own parents . They went through it three times . How ? And why would anyone have another one after experiencing this ? She remembered Brittany , who 'd had four kids in the five years after she 'd gotten married . Brittany . Jodie looked over at the laptop again . She and Brittany had lost touch shortly after high school , but they were friends on Facebook . She recalled that Brittany was constantly posting pictures of her kids and talking about all of the things they did as a family . How does she do it ? She can barely understand where rain comes from . Instantly she felt bad about thinking so unkindly about her old friend . Looking again at the laptop , she began wondering if it was possible Brittany really did know something she didn 't . Finally she picked up the laptop , opened it up , and logged onto Facebook . How are you doing ? Sorry we haven 't talked much lately . You might have already heard , but I recently had a baby . Her name is Zion . I hope you don 't mind me asking , but do you have any advice for me ? Anything at all would be great . The message seemed too vague , but Jodie had no idea where to even begin . If she started typing out questions , she might never stop . After a few moments of thought , she continued typing . Finally , Jodie decided to try another source : her own parents . After a frantic search , she found her cell phone under a pile of paperwork and sat back down . Leaving the computer open on her lap , she hit the speed dial for her parents ' house . She found it difficult to lie , but wasn 't sure how to describe the truth . At last she settled on vagueness . " Kind of . I 'm . . . a little overwhelmed . " " One day at a time , " Michele replied . " One day you 'll just look back and realize years have passed in the blink of an eye . Did I tell you Evan is going out for football at Lawndale Middle School ? It seems like just yesterday that - - " One day at a time ? One second at a time is more than I can take . " Mom ? " she interrupted , preparing to swallow her pride . " I 'm really , really struggling . Everything is just . . . it 's so . . . . " She clutched the phone with both hands as if holding on to a life preserver . " Please ? " " Oh , Jodie , " her mother said reassuringly . " Believe me , I understand just how you feel . I remember until you were about a month old I was always afraid to leave you in your crib because I was worried you 'd think I was abandoning you . I was so nervous ! " Jodie slumped down into the couch and frowned . That 's not even close to what I 'm going through , she thought . " Okay , but what helped you get over that ? " she asked . Jodie wanted to scream into the phone that she wasn 't tired , and even if she was , she was too stressed out to sleep . Somehow she just didn 't have the energy to respond , so instead she said goodbye and ended the call . Looking down at the computer , she saw that she had a new Facebook message . Shaking with anticipation and something almost like hope , she clicked to open it . congratz on the new baby ! ! ! arent they just the best ? ? i totaly remember how hard stuff was when they were real little . angie had collic 4 like 4ever & just cried all the time I thought my heart was gonna break she seemed so sad . then 1 time colt pooped & it got out of his diper & all over his crib & i almost thru up it was so icky . : ( ps sleep when the baby sleeps ! ! ! Jodie reread the message over and over until she 'd practically memorized every word . Not one bit of it was useful . Lucky ? How can she even think that after going through this four times ? Closing the browser window , Jodie pushed aside the computer again and tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling . Unless she didn 't go through this . Maybe everyone else in the world just knows instinctively what to do except me . And I 'll never figure it out , and this will last for the rest of my life . She pushed the balls of her hands against her eyes , struggling to focus in the vain hope that enlightenment would finally come . All that happened was that her eyes began to hurt and her brain switched into overdrive . I can 't handle this . I should never have had a baby . I hate it , and it 's not fair to Zion - - she deserves a decent mother , not me . Maybe she 'd be better off without me . Jodie froze , trying to stop herself from thinking what she was about to think . The thoughts pushed their way in all the same . I don 't want to be alive anymore . I don 't want this to be my life . I want to hit reset and start over , but I can 't . It 's too late . There 's no way out of it except . . . no . No no no no no . No ! She squeezed her eyes shut . Stop it ! She could have sworn she 'd screamed that last part out loud but , opening her eyes and seeing Zion 's sleep was undisturbed , she realized she 'd only screamed it inside her own mind . Why is this happening ? she thought bleakly . Why won 't it get better ? What if - - Zion began to whimper softly in her sleep , so Jodie struggled to her feet and braced herself for yet another round of frantic activity and second - guessing . At least it 'll keep me from thinking for awhile . I hope . Mack couldn 't concentrate on his work at all . He knew he had made some serious mistakes over the last couple of weeks , and he was worried about his performance review coming up in a month . But he was just too worried about what was going on at home . But most of all , he missed Jodie . He would get to see her , he knew , when he got home . But it wasn 't the same Jodie that he fell in love with years ago . Something was seriously wrong with her , and he didn 't know what to do about it . Out of nowhere , he remembered the pre - birth class Jodie had asked him to attend . He remembered sitting in a room with about ten other fathers - to - be and a delivery nurse , who told them that some women have a hard time adjusting to a new baby . Mack had dismissed the idea immediately . Jodie was the most intelligent and rational person he knew . He 'd thought for sure that he would flip out and lose his mind , and Jodie would again be his source of strength and stability , just as she had all through their relationship . Mack dropped his face into his hands . Maybe it 's my turn to help her . He remembered that nurse saying it was the husband 's job to watch out for his wife during this time , and to get her the help she needed if she needed it . What was it that nurse called it ? he thought to himself . And then the words came back to him : post - partum depression . Okay . But what am I supposed to do ? She 's a grown woman ! I can 't force her do anything she doesn 't want to ! Raising his head , he stared at his own faint reflection on his computer screen . Force , no . But I have to try . I 'll beg if I have to . Jodie was eating lunch in the kitchen when it happened . Zion was rocking back and forth in her swing . Jodie had just about finished the last of her sandwich . She 'd barely tasted any of it , as she was still eating out of obligation rather than hunger . She happened to look at the clock on the microwave and saw that it was 3 : 54 PM . She stopped chewing and stared at the clock . It changed to 3 : 55 . Still she stared , her accustomed numbness slowly giving way to feelings of confusion and distress . It 's almost four o ' clock in the afternoon , she thought wildly , and I 'm only just having lunch . More things poured in . I haven 't showered in days . I haven 't stepped outside the house in almost a week - - not even to get the mail . I can 't remember the last time I logged in to check my work e - mail . Somewhere in the back of her mind she remembered that she once lived by a rarely - varying routine . She woke up at the same time every day , showered every morning , ate meals on a regular schedule , and even her downtime followed a fairly predictable path . She tried to stand up from the table , but her legs didn 't support her . Somehow she found herself sitting on the kitchen floor , unable to move . My life is total chaos . Time continued to move forward , but still Jodie was frozen in place . Even though her body was immobile , her brain was moving at breakneck speed . It seemed like a million possible actions whirled into her thoughts , only to be pushed back with a silent scream of " I can 't ! " I can 't . I can 't do anything . I can 't do one simple thing . I can 't even get up off the floor . I can 't I can 't I can 't I can 't I can 't I can 't I can 't I can 't I CAN ' T ! At some point - - Jodie wasn 't sure when - - she had started to cry . In the next room , Zion tick - tocked back and forth in her swing as though marking off the wasted time . Mack came home to find Jodie feeding Zion a bottle and sobbing . He raced over to her and put an arm around her shoulders . " What is it ? " he asked . " What 's wrong ? " She shuddered out one last sob . " I want to feel like I know something , anything , " she answered hoarsely . Mack felt like he was coming into the middle of a conversation she 'd started without him . " When should I feed her ? " she asked rhetorically . " When should I wake her up ? When should I change her diaper ? When should I sleep or eat or . . . or do anything ? " " It 's okay , Jodie . " He looked across the room and saw her stack of dog - eared baby - care books . " Remember the books ? Every new parent feels overwhelmed and stressed , especially early on , right ? " She shook her head violently . " But what if by the time we figure anything out we 'll have messed up something and made things worse ? Any decision I make could be the wrong one . And we don 't have the leisure to figure things out over time - - before too long we 'll have to get the hang of solid foods , teething , sleep training , and a bunch of other things on top of what we 're already doing ! " " - - There is no ' long run ' ! I can barely cope with thinking about half an hour from now . And when I think about going back to work , it 's like adding a bunch of extra steps to a complex dance that I can 't do as it is ! " " I have to ! If I don 't try to plan ahead , I won 't be ready when the time comes and I have to figure out how to juggle work on top of - - " Jodie suddenly stopped talking and started gasping for air . For a moment Mack thought she was having an asthma attack , but he knew she didn 't have asthma . He quickly took Zion out of her arms and Jodie doubled over , struggling to breathe . Mack watched , helpless to do anything but hold Zion in one arm and rub Jodie 's back with the other . When she finally caught her breath and sat up again , he said , " We need to make an appointment . You need to see a counselor . " Jodie collapsed backward onto the couch and seemed to crumple inward . " No , " she murmured in a plaintive voice . She shook her head rapidly as though trying to shake the idea away . Jodie held Zion and gazed blankly at her , barely listening to Mack 's end of the phone conversation . That 's it , she thought with resignation . There goes my last hope that this would just get better on its own . Still studying her daughter 's face , she continued to think . But maybe this means it will get better . Maybe this is rock - bottom and everything from here is up . Maybe - - Hearing Mack say her name , she looked up . He was holding the phone away from his mouth . " Would a week from Thursday be okay ? " he asked . He nodded and turned back to the phone . Jodie looked at the calendar hanging up on the wall and quietly groaned . It was Monday . That meant her appointment was a week and a half away . The gradual optimism she 'd been starting to feel immediately vanished . I have to live like this for almost another two weeks . The next day , Jodie was holding Zion while she slept , trying to hold her in one arm while paging through one of her baby - care books with the other . The phone rang , jarring her out of her latest search for answers . Appointment . All at once the fog in Jodie 's brain lifted enough for her to realize it was the therapist 's office . Tomorrow ? I won 't have to wait until next week ? " Er . . . okay . Yes . " Jodie found herself listening to a dial tone as it sank in . Tomorrow . Tomorrow morning ? How am I supposed to get me and Zion out the door by ten in the morning ? There 's no way this will work it 's just too much I can 't do this I can 't - - At last she calmed down enough to write the new appointment information down , then put the piece of paper aside and tried to forget about it until Mack got home . As soon as he walked in the door , she handed the paper to him and asked desperately , " How am I going to make it there ? I can 't even make it half a mile down the street to the convenience store . " Mack reached for his cell phone . " I 'm going with you . I 'm calling work right now and I 'll take tomorrow morning off . " Mack sat impatiently in the waiting room with Zion as time passed . He looked at the other people sitting nearby and tried to guess which of them were waiting to see a therapist and which of them were waiting for someone else , like he was . Everyone looked . . . normal . Some of them chatted quietly , others flipped through magazines , and a few were concentrating on their cell phones . Not a single one of them looked remotely as haggard and worn down as Jodie had looked when she 'd been called in to see Dr . Bridges . Not one of them looked as restless and worried as Mack felt right at that moment . How was Jodie doing ? Was the therapist helping ? When she came back , would anything be different ? He hoped so . He missed his wife . His real wife , that is - - the one he 'd known in high school , the one he 'd spent long hours driving to visit during college , the one he 'd shared horror stories with about awful bosses and stupid clients as they begun to build their careers , and the one who 'd burst out laughing with surprise when he finally got around to asking her to marry him . If only he could see her again , for just a few minutes . To have her step out from behind the shattered person that now looked out of her eyes . But all he could do was sit there , helpless , as he waited for Jodie to come back . Back out of the therapist 's office , and hopefully back from whatever hell she 'd been living in . He looked down at Zion napping blissfully in the car seat , and envied her . His mind started wandering , thinking about how aware Zion was about what was going on with her mother , wondering how much this would influence how she got to know them as parents . What if Jodie never gets better ? The thought jumped at him . And then more thoughts followed . How could I explain this to Zion , especially since I 'm not sure if I understand it ? What if the therapist says Jodie can 't handle caring for a baby and we have to give up Zion for adoption ? Is that even possible ? Could I do that ? He looked back down at her , how her face was held snugly inbetween two extra pads , making her lips pop out just a little , like she was blowing kisses to the world . No , he thought , this is my daughter . We 're going to have to find our way through this . I 'm not giving up . On either of them . It had only been an hour , but Mack could have sworn he 'd been there all morning when the door opened and she finally stepped out . She blinked at the waiting room a few times before recognizing Mack and walking over . She shrugged . " I don 't know . We talked a lot . I don 't think I explained myself very well . I don 't know . " " Sure . We 'll swing by now . " He finished putting Zion 's car seat in the back , got in the driver 's seat , and started the car as Jodie buckled her seat belt . " I thought . . . I hoped . . . I 'd feel better now , " she told him haltingly . " Nothing 's different . I wanted Dr . Bridges to give me advice or answers or something , anything that would make it better . " " But how many ? " Jodie asked . She didn 't wait for a reply . " Nothing has helped so far . I 've got all the same problems , but now I also have a bunch of pills to take and appointments to remember . " She stared at the floor of the car . " Dr . Bridges said one of them won 't even start to work for at least a few weeks . The other one kicks in faster but only lasts a couple hours . Not much of a solution . " Sitting down in a nearby chair , Jodie tried to decide if she should take her daughter out of the swing or leave her there . She seemed content where she was , but Jodie remembered her mother 's advice : spend time with her . She wasn 't going to learn anything about Zion by leaving her in swings or bouncer chairs or other things , and Jodie wondered if she was becoming dependent on them to keep the baby at a distance . Once she 'd turned off the swing and pulled Zion free , she sat down with her again and looked at her . Zion looked back at her . Now what ? Jodie wondered . Mack came in from the kitchen and saw the panic creeping over Jodie 's face . Immediately he scooped Zion up and started bouncing her in his arms . Keeping his voice cheerful , he began to speak to the baby in hopes of distracting Jodie from her fear . Jodie 's face twitched . The corners of her mouth began to tickle . Out of nowhere , she burst into laughter and found she couldn 't stop . Every time she started to gain control of herself , she 'd look at Mack and start up all over again . " I . . . I think so , " she replied , catching her breath . " I don 't know why I thought that was so funny . I just . . . couldn 't stop laughing . " She gave him a weak smile . " I think that 's the first time I 've laughed since she was born . " Mack gave Zion another bounce and shrugged at Jodie . " I guess you had to make up for some lost time . " He came over and sat near her , now serious . " How do you feel ? " She sighed . " Not sure . I mean , all the same . . . stuff . . . is still there , but for just a minute I felt , I don 't know . . . almost okay . " Jodie listened to the sound of the shower turning off as she lay in bed one morning a few days later . She was in the middle of yet another argument with herself over whether to get up or stay in bed when , barely thinking about it , she swung her legs out and stood up . Keeping a wary eye on the baby monitor , she started pulling clothes out of the closet . The two of them ate breakfast together , and Jodie heard Zion begin crying through the monitor just as Mack was heading out the door . He gave her a worried look , but she waved him away . " I 've got it , " she said with far more confidence than she actually felt . Jodie went through the now - familiar motions of changing Zion 's diaper and preparing her bottle , and once Zion was fed she found herself staring out the window . It was a beautiful day outside . She 'd barely noticed the weather lately , but now she looked at the bright and inviting sunshine as if it was the first time she 'd ever seen it . She looked down at Zion , awake but content . Settling her temporarily in her bouncer seat , Jodie went to the closet and brought out the assembled - but - never - used stroller they 'd bought over six months before the baby was born . She picked up Zion and fastened her in , adjusting straps where necessary . It 's . . . something , she told herself . I don 't know what it is , exactly , but it 's definitely something . That afternoon , while Zion napped in her swing , Jodie wandered restlessly through the rest of the house . She wound up in the baby 's room , looking at all of the gear she and Mack had bought in the months during her pregnancy . The crib that she 'd painstakingly researched , checking and double - checking to be certain that it met every possible safety criteria . The play mat - - the deluxe model - - that came with lights , music , mirrors , and multi - textured dangling toys . The changing table - - Jodie stopped and frowned . The shelf under the changing table where they kept the diapers was empty . She turned to pick up one of the unopened packages of diapers they kept next to the table and realized they were all too small . Zion had already outgrown the newborn size , and they hadn 't gotten around to exchanging the remaining packages for the next size up . There were no more diapers left in her current size . Out of diapers ? How did we not notice ? She searched the room , then the house , and only came up with two diapers in the right size , stashed in the diaper bag . I could call Mack and ask him to pick up some more , but he won 't be home for hours . Two diapers ? And then I 'll only have one after Zion wakes up and I change her . That 's not going to be enough ! There was no way around it . Jodie was going to have to get more diapers . She felt her chest tighten and forced herself to take slow , even breaths . Can I do this ? I 'm not sure I can . She frowned . It doesn 't matter . I have to . She started getting ready : checking the diaper bag over and over , setting the car seat out , trying to decide if Zion would need a coat or blanket or hat or socks , putting her purse next to the door so she wouldn 't forget it , and doing a million other things to keep herself occupied instead of fretting to herself over the impending trip . At last she heard the squeaking sounds Zion always made as she woke up . Jodie had the bottle ready before the baby 's eyes were even fully open , and soon , reasonably sure that Zion was satisfied , Jodie began strapping her into the car seat . Hefting it with one hand while holding her purse , the diaper bag , and the car keys in the other , she closed her eyes and thought , I can do this . She headed out the door and into the garage before the doubts could creep in . Once in the car , she felt like she was relearning how to do everything , even though she 'd done at all countless times over the years . Key in the ignition . . . brake . . . shift into reverse . . . . As soon as she was on the road , she kept her focus on driving the familiar route to the convenience store because she knew the alternative was worrying about how many things might go wrong during the errand . She pulled into a parking space and got out , slinging the diaper bag and purse over her shoulder and coming around the car to pull Zion 's car seat out . She lugged everything inside , found the diapers , and grabbed a package of the right size . So far , so good . Jodie was standing in line at the counter when a car alarm went off immediately outside the exit . She jumped slightly at the sudden loud noise , then jumped again when it was followed by Zion crying out in terror . The wails only increased in volume and intensity , and without even thinking about it Jodie set the seat on the floor , dropped what she was carrying , and unfastened the straps so she could pick Zion up . The woman just smiled admiringly and picked up the package of diapers . " Let me help you with that , " she offered , gathering up the car seat and diaper bag as well . After both women had paid for their purchases , the woman followed Jodie out and helped her get everything into her car . " Don 't mention it , " the woman replied , wiggling her fingers at the baby . " We all need a little help sometimes . " She winked at Jodie . " Even a Supermom like you . " Supermom ? Jodie thought as she started the car and began to make her way out of the parking lot . Yeah , right . If she only knew . Jodie was sitting on the floor , watching Zion where she lay on the play mat , when Mack got home from work that evening . She looked up as he came into the living room . " She keeps kicking the green elephant , " she told him , pointing to the dangling plush toy that Zion kept bumping with her foot as she kicked and flailed on the mat . " It rattles , and I think maybe she 's figured out that it makes noise when she hits it . " She hesitated , but nodded . " We went for a little walk this morning . Oh , and we were almost out of diapers . I took Zion out to get more . " " Yeah . " She glanced at the clock . " She had a bottle less than an hour ago , so she probably won 't be hungry for awhile . She usually starts getting tired about this time , though , so we might want to get her ready for a nap . " A smile slowly spread across his face . " You got up and took a shower this morning . You went out for a walk with Zion . You ran an errand with her . And just now you told me you can guess what she 's going to need next . " He reached out and took her hand . " You 're getting better ! " She looked away and shook her head . " No , I 'm not . I still haven 't bonded with her . I look at her and just feel . . . I don 't know . Neutral . " " That 's still better , " Mack argued . " You used to look at her and feel terrified and miserable . Don 't lie to me , " he quickly added , holding up a hand when she started to interrupt . " I could see it then . And I don 't see it now . You . Are . Getting . Better . " Jodie looked at Zion again . " Supermom , " the lady at the store said . Well , I 'm not Supermom . But maybe I can at least be a mom . She looked back and Mack and finally , cautiously , returned his smile . For once , it seems . . . possible . Thank you to my husband , Bryan for beta reading . And for everything else , too . |
There was no AC , and I 'd been tying a bandana to my forehead , breathing hard , when a sophomore named Jeremy Urosky walked up to me . He was on the lacrosse team , and I hardly knew him . But I knew his name , at least , so when he asked if I was Shaun Fenster , some small part of me twisted at the formality . We all knew each other 's names , even if we hadn 't been introduced . It was a tiny school . " My dad and I used to do overnights on the Continental Divide , " he said . " The Montana section . Then I did some of New Mexico when I was in high school . You have to carry two gallons of water at all times . I humped a seventy - pound pack . " " The thing is , I don 't want to share a tent . " That 's what had kept me from posting my plans on the message board outside the cafeteria , where the student body propositioned each other with flyers - buddying up for Euro trips and rides home for gas money and summer sublets . I knew that once I was dirty from a day of hiking , I 'd want my own private nylon ceiling to stare up into . " You have a tent ? " I asked . We drove a rental down to Springer Mountain , where my sister , Susan , was going to meet us with her husband . Susan lived in Atlanta then . I 'd worked the details out a month in advance . One of my problems back then was saying no . I recognize that now . It would have been so easy . I remember thinking back to that morning , Jeremy standing in the hallway with his arms crossed behind his back ; me , sweating , tying that bandana in a knot at the base of my skull . If our places had been reversed , I would never have approached him . He 'd asked because he was an athlete , and because he 'd been conditioned , somehow , to seek out what he wanted . But if I 'd have said no , I believe he would have simply said okay . " It 's good of her . That she 's willing to meet us . That she 's taking time out of her day . It 's good to have family who 's generous like that . " " We don 't have to talk about it if you don 't want , " I said . " My sister 's only going to hike in with us a mile . Then she has to get back to work . " " When I was a kid , I heard somewhere that Native Americans don 't celebrate birthdays , " he said . I saw that his train of thought had not stopped for mine as it went past . Maybe he hadn 't heard me . " I don 't even know if that 's true , but I 've always remembered it . Something like , they only celebrate milestones . Some big life event , or some time when they 've overcome something emotionally . Only stuff that 's really worth celebrating . Like just being alive for another year is no big deal . So , when you get braver or stronger , or you build your first house or learn how to fish or something , that 's when you have a party . " He continued to stare out the window . He had feathered hair and a jaw that twitched when he concentrated . I remembered , faintly , hearing a rumor that the girls in our hall were crazy for him . It was the kind of thing I 'd pay attention to . I was a virgin still . I happened to know the lacrosse coach was a stickler . He 'd given the drinking speech at freshman orientation , insisting we all respond , ' Excellent , Mr . Weber , " when he 'd asked us how we were doing . I had the sudden suspicion that Jeremy was not going on a hike at all , but was running away . We stopped for gas somewhere in North Carolina . There was a recreation area off to the side with a trailhead on a wooden sign . I could smell the summer wilderness just behind the wall of trees , into which a pathway disappeared . " I 'm kidding . " I had a tendency then to smile like a fool . " I 'm just ready to get going . Aren 't you ? " " Shadows . You see them ? It 's just the trees , but they cancel out the light . Can you imagine cancelling out light ? Look , " he said , oscillating his hand at me . " I could stand out there and make a shadow just like this . Light should be everywhere , but it 's so easy to block it out . Looks like they 're goddamn stencils . " Susan met us in the trailhead lot . Her husband , Paul , was with her . I hadn 't expected him to come . He was a man who would ask me if I wanted to talk to my sister instead of chatting me up on the phone . The two of them had on expensive - looking packs and hiking boots . They wore matching purple tops made of hi - tech material . Paul said , " Or someone to call for help when the bear attacks . " He was being a sport for a change , grinning up at Jeremy and inviting him to join in with the ribbing . Suddenly , we were all on the same team , doing our best to coax him out . Jeremy sighed . I heard the air escape his mouth like a bag being squeezed . As he did , something squeezed inside me , too . I thought about going home . The image of Paul 's bear attack was not a bear attack , but some other pulsing problem in the future , something awful that was bound to happen , that I 'd be bound to deal with alone . " It will be fun . Hey , " she said , leaning into me , lowering her voice to a tone of playful conspiracy . " Your friend is cute . " I didn 't like how easily Paul had included me in his agitation with Jeremy . We still had to spend the evening together , and I knew I wouldn 't be able to play both sides . Jeremy would see where the battle lines were drawn . But he didn 't . We made camp that night at a three - walled shelter with a fire pit . There was another hiker there , planning to walk all the way to Mount Katahdin in Maine . It would take him six months , he told us . He introduced himself as " The Razor 's Edge . " " When you Thru - hike , you get a trail name , " he told us . He built a fire , and read us Bible passages . Paul rolled his eyes . When The Razor 's Edge kept going , he whispered , not quite quietly enough for kindness , " How much of this do we have to take ? " " Well I haven 't , " she said . Panic was making her voice shake . " I haven 't ever heard of anyone doing anything like this . " Paul looked at her with the eyes of an inveterate catastrophe - settler . " Be calm , " he said . " Just calm down . We 'll take deep breaths . " The Razor 's Edge had come closer to us without any of us realizing . He stood above us with his Bible open , smiling like he understood the general plight of man . " ' Many sorrows shall be to the wicked , but he who trusts in the Lord , mercy shall surround him , ' " he said . Paul had beers that he 'd stuck into the roll of his sleeping pad , and he drank one with his arm around my sister 's shoulder . Then he drank the other . I watched the fire burn . Though the rhododendron and the mountain laurel was blooming , I didn 't see it as I hiked - I made the long , grinding climb up Sassafras Mountain , covering my shoes in the red dust that rose from the pine needles . At the summit , I didn 't look out at the vista . My mind was In the early afternoon , I found The Razor 's Edge sitting on a stump . There was a whole row of stumps , the tree - flesh still bright yellow from where the chainsaw had cut through . I picked the one right next to him . " That climb kicked my ass , " I said . The straps of my pack dug into my shoulders , and taking it off was a breath of air against my back . I was soaked all the way through . We made another fire , and I ate a peanut - buttered bagel . The Razor 's Edge ate a trail mix that consisted mostly of gummy bears . Already , the dirt caked around my ankles felt routine . I had no great urge to shower , no great desire for a bed . When the sun went down , The Razor 's Edge sang hymns and tooted on a little harmonica . A breeze dried the sweat into salty stretches on my face and arms . After a while , he pulled out a flask . It had gotten fully dark , and the treetops obstructed any light from the stars . We hadn 't pitched our tents yet . I joined in . It was the only verse we knew , and we sang it over and over again . I felt delirious with being there . If there 'd been a bucket of peaches at my feet , I would have eaten them until I was sick . I stumbled to my pack , clicked on my headlamp , and fumbled through my tent poles . I got into my tent and giggled . For a while , I could hear him knocking around outside , and when it was quiet , I thought of what Jeremy had said about the shadows . If they were miraculous , I was floating in a great miracle now , dark as it was . I was drifting off when the mouth of my tent unzippered . I felt hands press the nylon floor down into the ground . I recoiled as if they were animal claws . This time , that sense of dread was sharper . I was trapped , but there seemed to be no real danger . I didn 't want to be rude . " God 's will , " he said . He was standing next to the fire shaking himself off like he 'd just come up from water . " God 's will was done here tonight . " " I 'm gonna keep going , " I said . I gathered my tent in my arms and stuffed it into my pack . I headed on the trail blind with my arms out in front of me . I walked fifty steps in the pitch black , dinging my ankles against rocks and spilling into the arms of a bush before I thought to turn my headlamp on . The forest groaned with horny life , and it began to thwack against my forehead . Big - winged things . I was disappointed to find that I was scared . Quite simply , I was scared of the terrible dark . I found a clearing and set the tent back up , keeping my light on until I thought what that must look like - my tent as it would appear to a woodland creature - a glowing blue orb , and so I sat in the dark and imagined for the rest of the night that I heard The Razor 's Edge coming toward me with a camping knife . When the sky purpled enough for sight , I was back on the trail , double - timing it up a climb so fast that my chest pounded and sweat tingled in my hair . Mist had settled in the valley below me , and I ate an energy bar still walking . It wasn 't until midday , just about tired enough to drop , that I saw him . Jeremy had propped his pack against his walking stick , and was pulling fists of greenery from the side of the trail . He righted himself and grinned some more . " Abandoned ? " he said . " I 'm not your dead - beat dad , Shaun . Let 's choose more appropriate words , shall we ? " " Are we or are we not in these beautiful woods ? I didn 't think there were rules to this . We 're not friends . Remember ? I hardly know you . That was a selling point for me . That 's why I agreed to come along . I like hiking alone . " " Listen . You want to hold hands for the next however many weeks , you need to find someone else . Believe me , you will . I 've seen people on the trail already today . " He bugged his eyes out and crossed his arms so that the jewel weed seemed to sprout from his armpit . He was waiting for me to accept his terms , though I wasn 't sure exactly what they were . I felt like what I said next should somehow salvage our partnership . For the first time in hours , I let the ease of sitting down pass through my muscles . I dragged out the last bite of bagel , knowing that Jeremy would be off down the trail as soon as I licked my fingers . I wanted to lie down right there and go to sleep . " Ready , " I said , and to my strange delight he waited as I strapped my pack on , hiking just in front of me for the rest of that day . We summitted a peak , and then took a peanuts and M & M 's break together . Later , we made camp . The Razor 's Edge was gone . With the pace we were making , I was not concerned I 'd see him again . Not if I kept walking . We 'd pitched our tents that night on a piece of ground that exuded smooth stones the size of softballs and yet I slept like I 'd been drugged . In the morning , Jeremy was gone , his tent footprint just a square of matted grass . I boiled water for oatmeal . There was nothing final to the way he 'd left . I knew I 'd catch up to him , and when I did , later that day , he waited for me , let me pass him , and then lagged behind for the afternoon . It was a hard day of climbs , three peaks , all harshly switch - backed . By 5 o ' clock , I was done . I made camp and ate dinner and was in my bag with a good two and half hours of light left . A shadow came over my tent and said , " Knock , knock . " " No , " I said . " But the spring 's good . " He walked off to the spring and made his dinner , and then set up next to me until morning . " All these thru - hikers . You haven 't heard them ? ' Trail disease . ' How we 're always starving . I mean I am just fantasizing about burgers these days . " " Yeah , " I said . It was as if giving it a nickname had breathed an emptiness into my stomach . I 'd been doing it , too . But in my head it was Rocky Road . I was so relieved to hear it spoken that I forgot he 'd accused me of something . " I know . " He was calmly practicing his Buddha - nature or something . I wanted to punch it out of him , but he stood there grinning and naked so that my violence would have seemed childish . " It must have happened days ago , " he said . " This is the first time I 'm getting a chance to talk to you about it . " I took off up the trail , leaning my body hard into the pounding of my steps . There was a climb right out of that swimming hole . I couldn 't hear him following me , or even breaking branches hurrying to gear himself back up . It was better that way . I could put some distance between us . By the time it flattened out , the sweat was pouring off of me , but I didn 't take a break . I kept on hoofing it . The next three days were strange . Something fragile had crumbled and left within me a density instead . My pelvis felt weighted with a shiny metal ball , propelling me forward on the upward swing of a giant pendulum clock . I rarely stopped for water breaks , and at night I hiked until I couldn 't see . I wasn 't boiling water for rice at dinner , but wolfing what was left of my dry food : the bagels , the cheese , the bag of peanuts and the energy bars . I set my watch alarm for 4 : 30 in the morning and was on the trail in the dark and mist , spider webs draping across my face . I did a 22 - mile day , a 23 - mile day , and a 19 - mile day . On the fourth day , my shins rebelled . It started with a twinge so acute that I had to remember if I 'd banged into a rock . It spread , and by the end of the day , both my legs were burning . It was like countless tiny fractures - so that at each step I was balancing myself on increasingly brittle bones . I limped into a shelter , nearly crying , and was relieved to find it empty . It had a tin roof and looked out onto a gulley that crossed the trail . I sat up on the deck and sipped from my water bottle . Then I lay down on my bag to think of a plan , but instead , I fell asleep . And sleep , like a salve , soothed me . In the morning , it was raining hard enough to make a racket on the roof . I lay there for an hour or two , just listening . It was cool , and when the wind shifted , a bit of mist settled on my face . I got out to test my legs , and electric shocks ran up my shins . I ate my breakfast slowly , and thought a little more . My only plan was not to walk , and so I sat , nibbling on the last of my peanuts . I was hurt and out of bagels . Somehow , I 'd have to hitch into town , either for a doctor or a grocery store . It was around noon that Jeremy showed up . I couldn 't believe it , as fast as I 'd been going . He was soaked , his hair plastered into face . " I haven 't been looking at my watch , " he said . " I love it , though . Strolling through the rain . What 's with you ? " He pointed his walking stick at the sleeping bag I hadn 't put away . " Shin splints , probably . I 've had them . In high school , my team used to run on pavement . Everybody 'd get shin splints . " " Look , " he said , pointing to where a red line intersected with a blue one . " There 's a road right here . That 's four miles away . You can make it . Then you 're in Franklin . You can call your sister . What are we , a couple hours drive ? Take it easy at her place and then have her drop you back off in a few days . It 's dumb to do it here . You 'd just be uncomfortable . " " You 're right , " I said , too quickly , and he said , " Alright then . " I felt some of that brotherly spirit again , half expecting him to let me put my arm around his shoulder and get me hobbling up the trail . But he didn 't dally . He swung on his pack and bolted up past the gulley . A spray of mud spattered up his legs from where the bottoms of his feet had flung it up . Eventually , I hopped around through the forest behind the shelter , gunking up my palms on tree sap , until I found a stick with a smooth curve I could lean on like a crutch . I spent the rest of the day picking down the access trail , stopping to rest when my legs hurt too much to stand . I took breaks fifteen minutes apart , but after a couple hours , I could only limp a few paces before having to lie down again on the trail . Once , I opened my eyes to the sound of footsteps , a small muted rumbling up above . Sticks had popped . I had my ear pressed to the ground , and when I sat up , pine needles adhered to my cheek and forehead . Another hiker was standing above me . He wore his bandana like a hippie , rolled , and his legs were as sturdy and hairless as banister poles . " You 're really helping me out , " I said , but by the time I 'd made it to where the trail left the woods , I couldn 't find where he 'd put it anywhere . He was gone . I hopped around , looking behind trees , then called him a motherfucker to the empty road in front of me . The grass was high and yellow and the crickets and grasshoppers shrieked , and by the time I was standing on the roadside , my face was hot with tears . I stuck my thumb out and caught a ride into town . The driver left me in an empty parking lot with a fireworks stand . There was a payphone there , and I called Susan . She 'd just gotten home . " I can barely walk , " I told her . " But otherwise , I 'm okay . " The fireworks stand was made of bright tarpaulin , and a man with a long brown ponytail and turquoise jewelry stood behind the pyramids of cylindrical paper bombs . I dropped my pack on the asphalt just behind his line of vision , so I could sit by myself in peace . After a while , I slid down and rested my head on my pack . I fell asleep . When I woke up , a line of cars was at a standstill down the road . The beating of helicopter blades was getting closer . The man behind the fireworks stand was sitting on a camp chair , smoking a cigarette . I left my pack on the ground and walked to him , my body feeling wonderfully light . The man watched the traffic with a little smirk on his face , squinting and sucking the cigarette . It took Susan another hour and a half , and by the time she got me back home , it was past midnight . On the drive , something had been decided , and Paul got up at dawn the next morning to take me to the bus station . He was oddly pleased to buy me the ticket home , like by doing so he 'd won an argument we 'd been having . Back in Maryland , I had to wait a few hours at the bus station because one of my father 's clients had been late . When my father saw me , he shook my hand with the easy respect I 'd seen him give players he 'd bested on the golf course . I 'd been having trouble thinking of how to tell him why I wasn 't on the trail , but he didn 't broach the topic . He was rushing around . It was as if I 'd already done what I 'd set out to do . That was the summer he 'd finally moved into the Bay house , though he spent most of his time in the city , in a one - bedroom apartment he shared with his new girlfriend , Sharon . He seemed pleased to have me back to look after the place while he was gone . He offered me $ 500 to paint the deck on the waterfront side . In a few days , my legs were feeling better . I started going for walks around the neighborhood , feeling that wonderful lightness again . Just my body , walking . No tent , no food , no mountains . The air was warm off the water . I had the house to myself , and cooked microwave pizzas for dinner . I woke up early each day to paint for an hour , before it was too hot , and while the sky and the Bay were the same light gray , both like quicksilver . There was a community pier at the end of the block , and I 'd stroll along the boards with my hands behind my back . Men fished and spoke in Spanish . Occasionally , I 'd have to step around a patch of fresh fish - blood that stained the decking , and once , a fisherman asked me to hold his rig while he reeled in another . While he was occupied , I felt a tug on the end of the line . The man looked over and saw it , too . He opened his eyes wide and nodded his head and said , " Go , go . " I reeled it in and pulled up a six - inch white fish with a ridge on its back like a novelty comb . I watched the man slide his hand down from the mouth , pressing the comb back before unhooking it and throwing it back . " Too small , " he said . " I only take keepers . Not like them , ha . " He gestured to the rest of the fisherman on the pier . The tide made shushing sounds against the sand , and as I walked out over the dark water , my footsteps could have been echoing over an ocean . Everything was quiet , deadened . I watched the men stand above their shadows , pulling excitedly on their poles . I went and stood between two light posts , watching them move their fists down over caught fish 's mouths until the hooks were free , watching them drop them into buckets . By the second night , they 'd gotten used to me . They yipped unabashedly with a fish on the line . " Come here . Look , " one of them said . He held the fish up and squeezed its cheeks together , opening the mouth to expose a row of sharp little teeth . " See , " he said . " A monster . " On one of those nights , I watched as a man in a straw hat hoisted a skate up on the pier . At first , I froze where I was . All I could see were the fins flopping . It looked as monstrous as anything I could imagine would live in those waters . Three or four of the men gathered around , while the man who had caught it stepped on it , right where the tail connected to its body . Then , he cut a circle in its head . It bled as a man might bleed , thick black blood . When the flopping stopped , he cut the tail , and then he cut the fins and put them in his bucket . With the side of his boot , he scraped what was left of the animal back into the Bay . It left dark streaks on the pier . I finished painting the deck . On weekends , my father and I would go out for dinner . There was an Italian place up the street , and a little dock restaurant at the marina , where a girl I knew from high school was working as a hostess . " Are you hiring ? " my father said . It sounded like a come - on . " Only if you want to wash dishes , " she said . It was easy work . After a week , I felt my brain was floating in the suds . I 'd see her , Amanda , before I walked into the kitchen for my shift , and she 'd be gone by the time I left . For a week , near the end of the summer , I convinced myself I loved her . One night , after a late shift , we stood together in the parking lot . I was feeling dreamy . " Shaun , " she said , and squeezed my hand . " Are you going to take me back to your place and fuck me silly tonight , or what ? " Then she laughed . I tried to say something that would change it from a joke , but I couldn 't think of anything . She drove a little white hatchback , and after she let go of my fingers , she got in and closed the door like she hadn 't said anything . Then she drove away . I 'd missed my chance . Things weren 't the same after that . That was all ten years ago . Ten years ago this summer - July now , so ten years ago and a month . Last week , Jeremy looked me up on Facebook and told me he 'd be in town . We engaged in an endless email exchange that could have been taken care of in a single call . But neither of us wanted that . The Olive Branch on F Street , did I know it ? I did not . Not the shitty Italian thing , he wrote . It 's a vegan place . He was sure I could find something I liked , and sent a link to the menu . Okay , I wrote . I 'm sure it 's fine . It 'll be good to see you . I didn 't know what to wear to a vegan restaurant . I was anxious in a way I hadn 't been anxious for a while . Last year , a friend from work took me to an anti - war rally on the Mall , and I 'd squirmed the whole time . These days , I live in the part of my brain that tells me that I 'm fully formed , that I 've figured out the more complicated parts of surviving in the modern world . But sometimes , it wavers . Sometimes , I slip back into feeling this way . When I got to the restaurant , Jeremy stood up from his seat , and grinned enormously . He had either already been drinking or had changed into a creature of pure kindness and light . I recognized him immediately . His hair was still thick , and his face still had that aggressive handsomeness that the girls in the dorm had liked . He looked gaunt , though , and as he stood , I thought I saw him shaking . He wore a vest that he could have taken on a fishing trip , full of pockets . Though I 'd already seen the menu , I let my eyes pass over the categories . It was nice to sit there quietly with something in front of my face . When the waitress came , I ordered the Udon Bowl . " Oh , right . Duh , " he said , bouncing the heel of his palm off his forehead . " That 's kind of important in this reintroduction . I 'm a professor of philosophy at Hampshire College . " " Really . You studied philosophy , I guess . It was strange not seeing you when I got back . You know , I thought we 'd have this big reunion . Do you like it ? " " The students are my life , Shaun . Really , they are my life . I 've come to see the truth about small communities . It 's all right there , everything a person needs . I can ski to work in twenty minutes . " I felt myself rambling just to put words into the air between us . " I bet you 'll grow old there . Small college . Great students . I bet you just love it . " " I 'm building a zero - carbon - footprint house . It 's amazing what you can do when you work with a builder these days . I mean , it 's really exciting stuff . " " That 's actually one of the things I want to discuss with you . " He chewed on a forkful of sprouts . Then he smiled . " I 've felt so bad about this ever since the hike . Can you believe it 's been ten years ? When I saw you in that hallway , doing those exercises , I knew you 'd never make it . Wait , wait , " he said , holding up his hand . Had I flinched ? Had he seen my muscles tighten ? " I wanted to go because I thought maybe I could keep you on track . You probably don 't believe that , and I don 't blame you , but it was one of those strange moments where I just knew . I knew I could help you get through something important in your life . " He lowered his hand , as if he 'd built a morally unassailable justification . " But then I didn 't . I let you leave . I kept on going . I know this may sound arrogant , but I don 't mean it that way . I mean it as a way of apology . That was a period in my life when I often felt superior . I had such great physical strength ! But I never felt superior to you in spirit . I want you to know that , Shaun . " " If you only knew , " he said . He shook his head at his plate of beans as if beans were a funny thing . " Listen , the reason I wanted to get together was to extend an invitation . I want to get you back out on the trail again . Let 's start from where you left off . It would mean a lot to me . " I had to resist the urge to reach across the table and grab him by his vest . Weighing whatever he did now , I felt I could fling him over my head . But I didn 't move ; I sat there and felt my anger burn . My anger felt like what I 'd come there for . I laughed - one of those head - back laughs I 'd only ever seen in movies . I loved it , the tightness in the back of my neck , the wildness of my volume . People at other tables turned to look . " I have a family now , " I said . " My son was just born . I 'm sorry , but it just doesn 't … My son was born last month , " I said quietly . He smiled his buddhic smile again . " I didn 't know . Congratulations . " His warmth broadened , and I was scared for a moment that he would stand and call the restaurant to attention with a clink of his glass . " That 's wonderful news . " I wolfed my food to make the meal go faster . Both of us ate like that , fiercely , territorially , and I remembered eating on the trail - that hunger that could not be satisfied . How I 'd felt , for those minutes , like an animal must feel . It hollowed me there as it had hollowed me then . A cavity of wanting . Too much of me had been civilized , though . I was too grown up to let that hollowness remain - to want to let it sit there . " Okay , " said Jeremy , when the meal was over . He held the door for me and we stepped into the balmy evening . It had rained while we ate , but I hadn 't noticed . Now there were hot puddles quickly shrinking on the sidewalk . " If you change your mind , you know how to reach me . " I drove home to my apartment and sat outside on the balcony . The woods were full beneath me ; there was a creek down there , with trails that ran through the easement . You could hardly tell I was in a city . A neighbor banged around on the deck overhead . I didn 't know why I 'd said what I said , about having a son . I don 't have a son . My girlfriend took a job in Atlanta , and now I 'm single again . But I felt the joy of all that nervousness behind me , the thrill of my life , as if it would be a new life . My body felt light again , inconsequential , just as it had when I 'd taken off my pack . |
Real Life Mindfuck Dreams / Visions Creepypasta of the Month ! SOG - Read Screenshots and Visuals Creepypasta of the Year ! April 12th Mind Story I 've always considered myself very logical . I never put myself into uncomfortable situations nor do I let emotions get the best of me . It wasn 't until today where I felt the stable structure of my mind shift a bit . It was all because of her , I 'm sure of it . I only saw her for a brief moment in the crowded hallway of my school but what I did see was enough to make my heart skip a beat . She was of average height , standing at what appeared to be 5 foot 4 inches . With each step she took , the curls in her short brown hair would bounce ever so slightly , as if they were in a renaissance dance . The purple frame of her glasses reflected the light of the fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling , giving off a faint yet distinctive glow . Behind the glasses were eyes of the softest shade of brown that could warm the heart of the coldest and most calculative of men . The bright floral pattern of her dress stood out from the crowd of bland and unoriginal styles , beckoning my eyes to fall upon the goddess - like figure the tight fabric was covering . Her head turned in my direction and she flashed me a welcoming smile , showing off her perfect white teeth . In the same amount of time I saw her , she disappeared from my line of sight . I looked behind me to see if I could find her again but she was gone , probably somehow blending in with the crowd . I haven 't been able to think of anything since , which explains this journal entry . It 's amazing to think that it took this girl only one second to destroy the mental barriers I set up to keep everyone out . She was able to enter my mind with ease and infect the temptation - free psyche of my brain . I must know more about this girl . A person with that much of an effect on me must surely be worth my time . Over the course of the last few school days , I 've been able to learn more about the girl from a while ago . Her name is Helena and by how others treated her while we were talking , it didn 't seem like she has any friends . Other students would point in our direction and would laugh while others gave us weird looks . Helena told me this was because she had recently moved into town and was the new student of our school . I don 't have friends because I find that they only get in the way of my studies . However , Helena seemed … different . She and I are a lot alike so I decided to take her under my wing . At lunch , I brought her to the spot I normally go : a deserted stairwell on the south wing of the school . We sat down and talked about whatever Helena wanted . I tried to ask about where she used to live , but she told me that she was uncomfortable with sharing that with me . All she said about it was that her old neighborhood was gloomy with no fun to be had . She has never been in a relationship either , as they would only get in the way of her musical hobbies . That got my attention . She plays the electric bass and has even written a few of her own songs . What I found interesting was that she has done something I 've always been meaning to do . I told her about my interest in music and playing it one day myself and she smiled , saying that she would help me make that dream a reality someday . She then gathered her stuff to get a head start on getting to class . As I got up as well to walk her there , she said she could do it on her own and left after kissing me on the cheek . As she left , I rubbed the cheek she kissed . My face began to blush and a smile slowly grew on my face . That was the first time in my life that I 've felt like that before . My heart still flutters as I merely write about her and for once , I can 't wait to see someone at school tomorrow . I 'm excited to see Helena again . Helena and I have hung out during lunch for the past week . We talked about her music and our classes and that 's about it . She seemed very interested in my views of humanity , as they were similar to her own . Nothing especially exciting happened today other than her kissing me on the cheek again . My attraction to her grows each day , I can feel it . Why is it now that my emotions are suddenly in control of my thoughts ? I even find it hard to do my homework now . I can be working on a graphing problem for Math and suddenly Helena 's smile will appear in my mind . I could be reading 1984 , as an example , and the narrator 's voice will become that of Helena 's . As I 've stated , I 've never felt this way before nor experienced such emotions . Is this normal ? Perhaps it is , though I 'm not too sure if I enjoy these feelings that come with " liking someone " . April 25th , 2013 I told my family about Helena tonight during dinner , as my mother was wondering why I would stare into space frequently . She was happy that I finally found a girl that made me " feel happy " , as she put it . Even my father , who is normally against dating at my age , was pleased to hear that someone at school was able to break down my mental walls . I smiled as I had gotten my parent 's full approval on a girl , though I never thought there would come such a time . With my parent 's blessing , I can finally execute my master plan ; asking Helena to be my girlfriend . I wanted to do so yesterday but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . My hands began to sweat and I couldn 't speak . Maybe second time 's the charm . Fingers crossed it will go well . . . Lately , I haven 't been able to write into my journal because I 've been busy spending time with someone ; my girlfriend , Helena . I asked her out on April 26th and she accepted my offer to start a relationship by kissing me on the lips with a passion I 've never experienced in my life . The past 10 days have opened my eyes to a world I 've never seen or heard of , a world of purity and wonder . My logical ways of thinking have made way for my emotions to take charge . Everyone still gives me odd looks from time to time , probably because I 'm dating the new girl on the block . This weekend , I 'm bringing Helena over to meet my parents . She 's been dying to meet them since we started dating . I 'm curious to find out how that will go . She 's a fantastic girl so I see there being no problems . Helena arrived at my house shortly after 4 today . I let her into the house and brought her to the kitchen where my parents were . My father was reading the newspaper while my mother was doing work on the family laptop . I attempted to introduce Helena to my parents but all they did was look at us for a brief moment and go back to what they were previously doing . I asked my parents to at least greet our guest but they simply ignored me . Unfortunately , this always happens when I have friends over . When I was a little kid , I would invite some friends over and my parents ignored us for a while until they finally decided to talk to the guest I brought over . I turned my back on my parents to bring Helena to my room but my mother began to talk to us . ' Oh ! So you 're Helena ? ' she said in an energetic tone of voice . ' Our son has said so much about you . He 's a keeper , I 'll tell you that much . Just make sure he washes his face every day . He doesn 't do that too often . ' My father always makes jokes like that whenever I bring friends over . I rolled my eyes as Helena laughed some more . She said that she came on her own free will and wanted to meet them . After that , I brought Helena to my room where we got the chance to talk to each other alone . We had a good conversation despite the fact that we could clearly hear my parents talking to one another from the kitchen . Sadly , they weren 't saying very positive things . After having Helena over for dinner a few more times , my parents still insisted on continuing their dumb little joke . Helena still didn 't seem to mind but I was very annoyed . However , today was different . When I got home , my parents were sitting in the kitchen waiting for me . They asked me to sit down so they could talk to me about something rather important . My mother told me that they 're only saying this because they care about me and want what 's best for me , which is the same line she always uses before talking about something serious such as my anti - social behavior or the fact that they thought I was a drug addict in the 10th grade . My father cut her off , saying that they wanted me to break things off with Helena . I stood up in disbelief . How dare they say I end things with Helena ! My mother told me to sit down so they could explain themselves . Reluctantly , I followed her orders . My father told me that they didn 't want me to be dating a bad influence . He went on to explain the fact that they have noticed odd habits that have started to develop in me . He told me that since Helena and I began to see each other , I 've been starting to talk to myself in a mumbled tone from time to time . The more disturbing part is that the mumblings are always about Helena . They think that she 's doing something to me , possibly having me ingest drugs without my knowing and turning me into a nervous wreck . I told him that Helena would never do such a thing and that we love each other . My mother told me that she understands where I was coming from , but she continued to say that this kind of relationship isn 't healthy for me . I stood up and told my parents the way I saw it ; I am in a relationship with the girl of my dreams and nothing they could say would change that ! I stormed off to my room and have been here since . To Hell with them , for all I care . I 'm sick of always following their orders and doing whatever I can to please them . Now it 's my turn to do something that makes me happy ! I 'm beginning to notice a few things that have been happening to me recently . Not only do my hands twitch occasionally but I feel like I 'm losing myself somehow . I have a tough time finding the right words to use every so often . This has never happened before so it 's slightly alarming to me . However , I 'm sure it 's nothing too serious ; I probably just need a good night 's sleep . I doubt I 'll have one though , I haven 't gotten too many good rests recently . It 's been about a month or two since I 've felt fully rested in the morning . What 's weird is that I 've always felt rested every morning thanks to a strict sleeping schedule I created and it worked like a charm . Something just feels . . . off about this whole thing . I don 't like it . To my parent 's dismay , I 'm still with Helena . However , they 've seemed to have gotten more accepting to the concept of our love . I 'll take whatever straws I can grab at this point . Today , they even offered to drive me to Helena 's for the day . Apparently , my mother talked to Helena 's parents and they wanted to see me today . I smiled faintly ; pleased that my parents are over the fact that Helena could possibly be a " bad influence " . They dropped me off in front of a lovely little home in the middle of a suburban neighborhood . The house was white with dark blue borders around the door and window frames . It was almost painful to look at , as the bright white shade of the door and house almost blinded me . My eyes readjusted so I could look at the house and see all of the details . It was a cozy two - story house , with enough space to hold four family members . Perhaps Helena had siblings she never told me about . I walked up to the house and knocked on the door . A few moments later , an older man answered the door . He appeared to be in his mid - fifties , his hair graying and his face sporting a fatherly mustache . He wore a plaid button - up shirt that was tucked into his jeans . He looked at me and gave me a friendly smile . ' Ah , you must be Martin Watson ! It 's a pleasure to meet you , son ! ' He said as he shook my hand violently . He let me into the house , telling me that Helena was in her room , which was the last door to the right down the hallway . I was on my way to her room when something came out of the bathroom and wrapped their arms around me shouting ' BOO ! ' I jumped and was scared until I realized my assailant was none other than Helena . She looked at me while laughing , saying that I am such a " scardy cat " . I turned around and began to play fight with her and we came to a truce with a tender kiss . Nothing truly important happened until we sat down and ate dinner . Four plates were set out on the round wooden table ; one for Helena 's father , one for her mother , one for her and one for me . They served a make - it - yourself burrito dinner because Helena is a vegetarian so they had a separate bowl for the meat . That would explain why she didn 't eat much when she would come over for dinner at my house . Her mother had long curly hair , which is where I assume Helena got hers from . Some of her black bangs covered her large eyeglasses , which distracts you from the slight wrinkles forming on her face . She was slightly shorter than me but she had a big enough voice to compensate for that . She sat across from me and Helena 's father was to my left . It was quiet until I began a conversation . I nodded politely and took a bite out of my burrito . Those were some intense jobs for seemingly ordinary people . I began to tell them about myself ; my commitment to school among other things such as my family . Helena 's mother asked me to talk about my relationship with her daughter . I was a bit taken off guard . Did Helena really not talk to them about me ? That couldn 't be it , since her father knew exactly who I was when he answered the door . Shaking the thought away , I began to explain to her my relationship with Helena . ' It 's wonderful . To be honest , she is the reason I was able to tear down my mental walls . She 's a great listener , she cares a lot for me and she accepts me for who I really am . ' I took Helena 's hand in mine . ' She 's the best thing to have ever happened to me . ' My parents have been asking how Helena and I have been . I keep telling them that we 're doing great but every time I do , they seem a little disappointed . Maybe it 's just my mind messing with me . They 're my parents and they want to see me enjoy myself . It would make no sense for them to be disappointed that my girlfriend and I are doing well . It must be my mind playing tricks on me . August 1st , 2013 Helena 's parents invited me to dinner . It was very nice of them , that 's for sure . While eating , they asked me how Helena and I met . I told them that we first saw each other in the halls on April 12th , which Helena said happened to be her birthday . We only exchanged glances though , I told them . Her father seemed very interested and her mother simply smiled sweetly and nodded . I took Helena out on a date night today . I brought her to the restaurant my parents always took me to when I was a kid . She seemed to enjoy it a lot . We shared a cheese pizza and it was delicious . She also looked amazing today , wearing the same dress she wore on the first day I saw her . It was a wonderful night and I 'm glad I got to spend it with a wonderful girl . My mother heard me talking to Helena today while she was over to see me for a while . She walked into my room and saw the two of us sitting on my bed talking about whatever was on our minds . She only looked at us for a few moments before bursting into tears and running out of my room . After Helena left , my father asked for me in the kitchen . He told me that I had to end things with Helena as soon as possible since it 's been upsetting him and my mother a lot more than usual lately . I looked him in the eyes and said that it wasn 't going to happen anytime soon . He demanded I do but I retaliated by questioning why he was asking me to do this . He stopped mid - sentence and sat down in his chair silently . He said that he couldn 't say and told me to go to my room . Just what was that all about ? Why did he stop himself ? This doesn 't make any sense . Things haven 't been adding up lately . Today was our first day back to school . I met all my new teachers and I met up with Helena in the halls . We were talking about our new classes when other students began to mock us . They weren 't even hiding the fact that they were . They pointed and laughed at us . After a whole lunch hour of constant teasing , I finally had enough . I stood up and smacked the kid leading the taunting across the face with my fist , knocking him to the ground . Everyone looked at us in shock and I began to yell at the student I just hit . I grabbed Helena 's wrist and stormed out of the cafeteria where we were having lunch . When I got home from school , my parents demanded to know why they got an email explaining that I got suspended from school for a week . I told them it was because people were making fun of Helena and I during lunch and that I stuck the kid leading it all . I went to my room and slammed the door . I 'd rather stay home anyways than go to school again . I 'm beginning to get very concerned about Helena . Lately , her mood has been shifting constantly . One day she 's her normal self , the next she 's quite sad then the day after she 's very upbeat . She never had these mood swings before so why has it been happening all of a sudden ? She didn 't begin to show odd behavior until the day I met her family . Perhaps that has something to do with it . Do her parents not like me or something ? Whatever the case may be , I want Helena to be happy and I 'll do whatever it takes to do just that for her . I went over to Helena 's house as a surprise today . She seemed much happier but maybe it was the fact that I came over without her knowing . I gave her six roses to represent the amount of months we 've been together . She put them on her desk and hugged me tight . She then released herself from my grasp and ran down the hallway , giggling to herself . I followed her around the house and eventually made it to her father 's office downstairs . I didn 't know where Helena went off to and I thought she may have hid herself somewhere in there . I began to look for her . There weren 't many places to hide but I checked each spot and I couldn 't find Helena . However , I did notice multiple sheets of paper on her father 's desk . Most of them were irrelevant like family reminders and grocery lists . What interested me the most was the notepad next to the keyboard for the computer . I picked it up and flipped through the pages . It appeared to be filled with notes concerning something for his work . I began to read some of them : We 've been conducting more interactive experiments rather than observing . We won 't get anything done by standing around and watching . We need to get more involved with the subject . Otherwise , our whole cause will be wasted . " Funding for our research is gradually decreasing . The ones who asked us to start this project aren 't seeing results fast enough and are growing impatient . If they don 't get what they want soon , I fear our research will have to end . We need to get results as soon as possible . " I would 've read more but I heard Helena 's father walking down the hallway . I put the notepad down and ran out of the office as fast as I could . Fortunately , he didn 't see me . I saw Helena waiting for me on the top of the stairs . She smiled and extended her arms towards me , pulling me in close for a hug . Even though I wanted to , I didn 't tell her about what I saw in her father 's office . I didn 't want to worry her . More strange things have been happening to me . I 've become more anxious and jittery , something that has never happened to me before . Not only that , but my parents have noticed me sleepwalk and heard me have nightmares from their room . The worst part of all this is that those nightmares and sleepwalking incidents have all been about the same thing : Helena . I haven 't told them that detail though , as it will only make them want me to end things with her sooner . I approached my parents today about my night terrors . I thought it was time that they knew what the dreams were about . They seemed to be worried yet understanding . They asked if they could help in any way and I told them what they could do : Helena 's father is becoming more and more stressed lately . When asked about what 's wrong , he says that it 's nothing . He doesn 't know that I 'm aware of the reason he 's become upset ; his lack of finances for whatever he 's doing at work . I 'm keeping my mouth shut , however . I don 't want to upset anyone by letting that information slip out . Besides , Helena seems to have enough to worry about , with her mood swings and such . I took Helena on a surprise date tonight . With all the crazy things going on lately , we needed to get away and just spend time together . I packed my backpack with dinner and a blanket so we could have a picnic in the park and go star - gazing . Long story short , it was an amazing night . Though I don 't think any of those stars could compare to the shine in Helena 's eyes . Helena came over unexpectedly today . She showed up and wished me a merry Christmas and even though there wasn 't any mistletoe , she brought me in close for a kiss . She didn 't bring a present and she felt bad for not being able to give one to me . I told her she didn 't have to get me one , since her being with me is a gift all on its own . She smiled , kissed my cheek and walked home . I was about to invite her in but I guess she had other things to do with her family today . After all , it is Christmas . I do appreciate her coming to visit , though . It really made my day even better . I went over to Helena 's house today . She said she needed some comforting because she felt terrible so I made her tea and cuddled with her on her bed . She curled up close to me and we sat in silence for a good ten minutes or so until she finally said something softly . I sat up in horror . Someone was traumatizing her ? That would explain the mood swings that she 's been having . Those must have been a result of her being tortured by these people . If that 's the case , then … those entries in her father 's journal could be about her ! She continued to talk . ' Every room in this house has been bugged with microphones and cameras . They see everything we do and hear everything we say . They were set up a few days before you first came over . I didn 't tell you because I didn 't want you to be scared . Please forgive me but I had to keep this a secret from you for your own good . ' I felt myself begin to choke up . Why didn 't Helena tell me this before ? Was there more information she was hiding from me ? I fell to my knees and did something I haven 't done in years : I cried . Helena knelt down and held me , telling me everything would be okay . I didn 't believe her but I guess have to for now . I have been getting more and more paranoid lately , regardless if I 'm in Helena 's house or not . I constantly look behind me when walking down the street and get anxious when strangers get close to me . It 's getting harder for me to sleep at night because I fear someone is staring at me , watching my every move . This is driving me crazy ! I need answers and I need them now ! Helena 's father has been getting less stressed . However , he is getting more worried . At the dinner table , he had to leave because he " didn 't feel well " . His work must be catching up to him , I guess . I waited until after dinner to go to his office to see what was going on . Sure enough , I found more information in his journal . Our suppliers are getting anxious . They say we aren 't doing our job well enough . To Hell with them , I say . They can do their own damn experiments and see what 's at stake for themselves . " I 'm worried that someone has been going through my notes . They seemed to have been moved somehow when I went to check on something in the house . If someone else knows about what we 're doing , this could mean the end for our research . " I began to look around me . This entry must have been made the day I found his notepad . I hope he didn 't know I was here . I had to keep reading and see if I could find anything else . It appears that the subject is still in its own little world . This whole time we 've been trying to make it snap out of it yet it doesn 't listen . It seems we 've gone in a circle and are back at the beginning . " The subject is getting fearful . It seems to be getting more self - aware of its situation and is beginning to isolate itself from us . We need to gain its trust again somehow . If that doesn 't work , we 'll have to resort to more … drastic measures . " I couldn 't believe it . Helena 's father is conducting some kind of sick experiment that is completely classified to everyone else . I felt bad for the subject . Its life may be at risk just so Helena 's father can keep a job . I 've been thinking more about the last few note entries I 've read from the notepad , along with what Helena said to me around a month ago . When I can 't sleep , it 's all I think about in a struggle to piece everything together . Thinking about the dates that the journal entries were made , along with the days I found information for myself and the things Helena told me , then that should indicate . . . no , that can 't be right . They must have some sort of meaning . Wait , could Helena be the subject ? I mean , the dates seem to add up but there 's no evidence that it 's her . Regardless , maybe I should talk to Helena about it . She might have more answers than me . February 11th , 2014 I told Helena everything I knew about the cameras , her father and the experiments . She simply laughed and seemed amused . She told me that there is no way her father is behind the plot to get rid of her , as that would be ridiculous . I needed to show her all the things I found in her father 's office but her father has been staying at home for the past while instead of going to work and there 's no way I can get to his office without the possibility of getting caught by him . I need to wait for now and gather more evidence . I shook it off and pretended like I was telling her a joke . I got the flu yesterday but the symptoms hit me hard this morning . Both my parents had to go to work today , which meant I was home alone to take care of myself . It was bad enough I was sick but now I had to make sure I didn 't get in even worse condition . What a big task , it seemed like . It was around lunch time when I heard a knocking at my door . I gathered enough energy to answer it and saw Helena smiling wide at my doorstep . My spirits were lifted and I felt a little bit better . I didn 't mind at all . On the top slice of bread was a big heart carved into the burnt spot . I smiled and told her she did a great job . I began to eat my lunch as Helena sat next to me and cuddled close until it was time for her to leave . I went to school today and I didn 't see Helena at all . Usually we meet up so we can have lunch together but she wasn 't at our usual spot when I went to check . Hopefully she didn 't catch the same illness I did . Or even worse . . . maybe she was the subject and something terrible happened to her . I sure hope not , but I better not think like that . Otherwise I 'll worry too much and beginning feeling even more unstable than I do now . After her being absent at school for a week or so , I finally saw Helena today after school . It was like my heart leapt out of my chest when I found her . I ran and gave her the biggest hug I 've ever given anyone in my life . She giggled and said that she only went away on a family vacation for a week . She didn 't understand how much I missed her . I don 't think she ever will . I love her so much and the last thing I want is to be away from her . I got invited to dinner by Helena . I joyfully accepted and we had a fantastic dinner at her house . After the meal , I snuck my way downstairs to her father 's office to see if I could find more information about his " experiment " . However , he was already down there , talking on the phone with someone . I hid behind a corner and eavesdropped on the conversation . ' I know it 's taking longer than expected , but this is a serious case … yes , I 'm aware of how long it 's been going on for … listen to me , okay ? If the subject learns about what 's going on too quickly … no , I will not stop saying " subject " , it 's the appropriate term … regardless , if it learns all the information at once , that will cripple its psyche , and in turn … * sigh * I understand . We 'll discuss the plan of attack soon . Talk to you then . Good day to you . ' He hung up the phone and I hurried my way up the stairs . Who was he talking to ? Whoever it was , it could have something to do with the wiretaps in the house . I must learn more . Helena has been acting very strange . I 'll be talking to her and sometimes she won 't even reply . She 'll look at me with a glazed look in her eye , standing there without moving a muscle . This is happening very frequently and I 'm getting a bad feeling about it . Perhaps she really is the subject her father has been talking about . Maybe this odd behavior coincides with the experiments he 's doing . Only one way to find out , I guess . Helena asked me if I wanted to stay the night at her house . My parents allowed it and I got my things ready to go to her house . After a usual dinner and some cuddling in her room , we got ready for bed and Helena fell asleep next to me , her arm resting over my chest . I could only lay there ; I couldn 't sleep knowing that someone was watching us . Ever since Helena told me that there were cameras everywhere , I 've been weary of what I do everywhere I go , her house especially . Looking to see if Helena was still asleep , I snuck my way from her room to downstairs , where her father 's office is . I opened the door silently and noticed that the computer was on its screensaver and the lights were on . He must have gone to the bathroom , I thought to myself . Looking around , I couldn 't find his notebook . I began to search franticly for it , as he may have put it in a hiding spot . While searching , my arm nudged the mouse of the computer just enough to boot it up . I looked at the monitor in horror . On the screen were multiple different video feeds of what seemed like the inside of a house . I didn 't think much of it until I saw the disturbing truth of the matter ; one of the feeds showed Helena sleeping peacefully in her bed . As I looked at the feed , my mind began making conclusions for itself . There 's no way she could be the test subject , right ? She even said herself that her father could never do terrible things to her . . . or could he ? I didn 't have much time to react as I heard a toilet flush from down the hall . I ran out of there quickly and returned to Helena 's room , to make it look like nothing happened . I made it look like I was sleeping even though I couldn 't , knowing that a twisted man was watching his own daughter sleep at night . I began to think of a way I could tell Helena everything about her father and have her believe me . Unfortunately , I can 't go up to her saying " Your father watches you sleep at night , " without looking like a complete lunatic . Even with this in my mind , I have to set it aside for now as it is Helena 's birthday soon , in five days in fact . If I want to give her the best day ever , I 'll have to tell her after April 12th . That way , my assumptions are kept away from her long enough for her to enjoy her day . Helena : April 10th , 2014 April 10th , 2014 As an early birthday present , I brought Helena to where our first date was . We ordered the same thing , a cheese pizza , and had an amazing time . She looked absolutely beautiful , taking my attention away from the world and leading my eyes to meet with hers . She sweetly smiled and began to speak . ' Hey , it 's the least I could do , ' I replied . ' I mean , you have managed to spend almost a year with me after all . ' She laughed at my remark as she put her hand in mine and held it tighly . ' In all seriousness though , ' I continued . ' You do deserve it . You 're the best girl I know and I couldn 't ask for anyone better than you , Helena . ' She smiled and blushed , making her face glow a bright shade of red . It was adorable . Heck , everything about her is adorable . ' No other guy would have ever done this for me and it 's so great that you did , ' Helena said softly . ' I 've had an amazing time with you tonight and in our relationship as a whole . I love you so much , Martin . ' My eyes began to mist over as I used a napkin to clear my vision . I can 't believe I 've almost spent a year with this wonderful girl . I love her with all of my heart and soul and in two days , I will get the chance to show her just how much she means to me . I made my way to Helena 's house at around noon . I became very nervous , as I didn 't want to mess up her special day . My parents went to work in the morning so I had to take a bus to her home . When I finally made it there , I put her present under my arm and knocked on the door . What caught me off guard was that the door was already unlocked and slightly open so when I knocked on it , it opened all the way . Cautiously , I entered her house and called out to see if anyone was home and if everyone was okay , just in case there was a robbery or something . I heard Helena 's father call back , saying that everyone was in the kitchen . I quickly took off my shoes and ran up the stairs . When I entered the kitchen , I saw some people I wasn 't expecting . Sitting at the dinner table were Helena 's father and mother but across of them were my parents . I thought they were at work , but perhaps they wanted to surprise me by coming out to celebrate Helena 's birthday . I greeted everyone and asked where the birthday girl was . My body tensed up and I became very worried . What happened to her ? My father asked me to take a seat at the head of the table . In shaky movements , I pulled out the chair and sat down , anticipating terrible news . ' There 's something you need to know , Martin , ' Helena 's father began to speak with a strong voice . ' You were brought here for a … specific reason . It was so we could watch your interactions with Helena . We had to keep it a secret as to not startle you , and … ' ' What are you talking about , old man ? ' I lashed out . ' You mean this whole place was just a cell for Helena ? Just what the Hell is going on here ? ! ' ' Tell me what , Mom ? That Helena was just an experiment ? That her family only saw her as a test subject ? Mom , don 't you know that he 's doing harmful research that is funded illegally ? ' ' We were the ones who funded his research , ' my father said sternly , lowering his head to stare at the ground . ' It was for your own good . ' My eyes began to tear up as I felt all the information hit me at once . My own parents … funded the research that harmed my sweet Helena ? The thought of my parents and Helena 's family teaming up to hurt her was unbearable . I started to cry , tears rolling down my face as I tried my best to communicate . ' You 're the … you 're the … ones who gave him the … the money to … to hurt … Hele … Helena … ? ' I could barely form a sentence without choking up , each word becoming a struggle as my throat tightened . I could no longer see as my eyes were clouded by the tears forming in my eyes . ' There was a specific reason for it , Martin , ' Helena 's mother replied . She knew too ? Was I the only one unaware of this plot ? I began trying to pull myself together and listen to what these people had done to Helena . ' We had to make you come visit this experimenting home . It was the only way we could get sufficient data to work with . These experiments could help many others suffering from the same thing , Martin . Helena had to go , to make sure you and others will be safe . ' Suffering from the same thing ? Helena never told me about anything like that . No wonder she was always so happy ; it must have been to mask the fact that she was a goner from the beginning . What she said to me two days ago ; that must have been a final good - bye . I felt myself tearing up once more and an incredible pain formed in my chest . It felt like my heart was torn out of my body , leaving nothing but an empty hole where it once was , where Helena once resided . ' This here contains all the data taken from our research . I think this will do a better job at explaining the whole story rather than hearing it from us . Please give it a look , Martin . ' Symptoms : Reduced social interaction , lack of emotional expression , hallucinations of objects and people . Most recurring hallucination is of a young girl the subject has named " Helena " . " Written by : Sshakenbakee ( Author of Revolution ) Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
He passed over to Spirit July 21 , 2011 . . . He is a 130 lb . shep - rott mix . We 've been through thick and thin together . God has blessed me with this animal , my bodyguard and truly my best friend . In 1998 , my family and I lived in Marion , Montana . We adopted a female rottweiler puppy from the Kalispell animal shelter . My kids fell in love with her and we named her " Roxie . " A friend of ours suffered a stroke and we went down to Deer Lodge . We stayed with them to lend a hand . We took Roxie with us . We were there a couple weeks . The yard was fenced and a couple times , I found her playing next door with a German Shepard . Never give it a thought . She got to be about 9 months old and we noticed that Roxie was getting fat . With good cause , she was pregnant . June 6 , 1999 , she had 13 puppies . She was not a very good mother and would not stay with the puppies . My heart began to break as I watched puppies die from hypothermia . As it was still cold in Marion , we had 2 ' of snow on the ground and a fire in the wood stove . In three days , all died but two . I took those two puppies and put them in a covered basket with a little blanket . I had to bottle feed them due to the fact that her teats were too big for them to nurse . I kept that basket with me everywhere I went . The pups were both boys and very hungry , as they fed every 2 - 3 hours . At night , I kept the basket beside the bed where I could reach in and check on them to see if they were warm and alive . They had rotti markings like their mother . To shorten their tails , my ex put rubber bands on them . My daughter , who was 12 at the time looked the one and said , " He put the rubber band too close on this one mom . " Very concerned , she continued , " He 's not going to have a butt hole and he won 't be able to poop ! " In about a week the tails fell off . They were about 2 weeks old when they were named . The one whose tail is a little knob was named " Shorter . " After all he was the runt of the two and his tail was shorter . The other pup my son who was 10 at the time named " Spazman . " Because when he did get to nurse , he spased like crazy trying to get to the teat . We had to make Roxie lay down to nurse them and stay right there with her or she get up and leave . For a little while there they all three were under a year old . I had my hands full . Puppies will be puppies . Surprising , enough I 'd scold one and the others listened and watched . I favored Spaz , he was bigger and smarter . Shorter seemed slow and clumsy . I honestly never intended to have a " mutt . " For some reason unknown to me , I thought that mixed breed was undesirable . These boys were beautiful animals . They had their mother 's rotti markings and their dad 's shepherd head and build , with a rotti barrel chest . People wanted a pup , but I couldn 't thinkWe would go up in the Bob Marshall and cut firewood . We took the dogs , they loved it . They could run a muck . The boys got better at coming when called , but Roxie never did . It seemed that she 'd laugh at me and off she 'd go . At one point , a man came to the door and said that my dogs were eating his dog 's food and threatened to kill them if they didn 't stop . I sympathized with him and told him I was doing everything in my power to keep them from running loose . About a month later my mother was on the phone with me , telling me that my grandmother was dying . My mother was in Texas and my grandmother was in Oklahoma . When I got off the phone Richard said , " Mom , " " There 's a dog that looks like Spaz down the road and I think he 's dead . " Spaz was shot by that wicked man . The man was a transient and lived in a travel trailer down the road . The town 's people in Coram ran him out when they heard , but it didn 't bring back Spaz . It was a rough time for me . I couldn 't go south for my grandmother 's last words and that didn 't leave much room for the grief of losing Spaz . I took Roxie and Shorter outside to show them dead Spazman , so they would not look for him . We rented a mobile home and moved into Hungry Horse . Then the dogs went outside they were cabled to a tire with a rim . They would get quite workout dragging the thing about the yard . Shorter was still growing mind you and his neck became bigger than his head . He simply could not be tied up anymore . He 'd just bow out of his collar . I tried everything . Harness didn 't work , as soon as he didn 't see you anymore , he 'd wiggle , jiggle and Houdini was loose again ! It got to the point that it was easier to load Shorter up to go with me . That way I didn 't worry about him running loose while I was at work or whatever . Spending a lot of time with your puppy - dog , they learn what 's acceptable and what 's not . I did not allow him to bark at his leisure . I cleaned for the Meadow Lake Golf Resort in Columbia Falls . It was only a few hours a day . He never barked , at anyone for any reason . He was happy to wait in the car . He loved to go . Do you know any dog that doesn 't love to go ? I 'd never been single for any length of time . I was very insecure , thought that I needed a man to take care of me . First I thought I was alone . I wasn 't . Shorter became my protector . I didn 't realize it . But it became clear over time . Not aggressive or vicious . Just my watcher , all the time he watched . Smart , I didn 't realize just how smart his is . I would go in the grocery store and he thought I was taking to long , I 'd turn around and he 'd be right there . I didn 't always know exactly how he got out the car . The hatchback , he 'd lift the back hatch and get out . Sometimes he 'd simply jump out the window . Mind you , he 's never been a small dog . I 'd leave the window halfway for good breeze and I reckon were there is a will , there is a way . I went up to visit a friend . This friend lived on 140 acres . Had chickens , horses , rabbits , and what have you . Friend says , " Let me show you my chicken pen , " I left Shorter inside the house and walked 20 yards out on the property . Shorter jumped through the living room window . He was unscathed . Just couldn 't stand the idea that I was outside without him . I paid for the window . I started a new hobby , making dream catchers . We would go into the woods and scout out supplies . I don 't think I could have gone and done those things if he weren 't with me . I was afraid , maybe that I 'd be eaten by a Grizzly bear or a mountain lion . He makes me feel safe . We 'd go to the river a lot . It has never been easy to find a place to live that allowed my 130 lb . animal . To this day I continue to refuse to give him up . The kids would get mad and say " Mom , " " You love him more than us . " I told them , " No I don 't , that 's ridiculous . " " But one day , you 'll be grown and he 'll still be here with me . " In 2003 , I wanted a home for my kids Shorter and I . I bought a mobile home in Martin City , Montana . My daughter was 16 , my son was 14 , and Shorter was 4 ½ . We adopted a cat . That cat was Shorter 's cat . He still loves cats to this day . What he hates are bugs . I 've only seen him get aggressive once with another dog . He thought the other dog was hurting a puppy and he jumped on him . Not violently , just kind of scary . Shorter lies down to eat from his food bowl . I have had friends say " he 's fat and lazy ' . Don 't let him lay down . " Shorter 's weight is appropriate for his size . Occasionally I went hiking with friends . We had planned an early morning hike . I underestimated the rocky road and my little car couldn 't make it all the way . So I left it . When I started to get ready for the hike I realized that I left my hiking boots in the car . So , I left Shorter to play with a friend 's dog while we took a quick trip to the car to get my boots . Well , something that I ate the night before did a number on my stomach . Needless to say , I had to abandon the hike . It killed me to leave Shorter with them , but I had no choice . It was an all day hike and they returned him to me the next day . My friend said Shorter listened to him and stayed right with them . I was so relieved when he came home . I used to frequent " Packers Roost Bar " in Coram quite a bit . I would play pool and drink . Along the front of Packers are huge store windows and benches outside . Shorter would sit outside on the bench and watch me through the windows . Everybody got a kick out of that . When I got up to go to the bathroom , Shorter couldn 't see me anymore . He would open that heavy barn door on the front of the place , come in and look for me . I 'd be on the toilet , the bathroom door would swing open and here he 'd came . It has always made me nervous when I didn 't know where he was . One day , I was at work when I got a call from my son . He was hysterical . He had come home from school to find that Shorter had gone though his bedroom window . He said there was blood and glass all over his bed . Shorter was nowhere to be seen . My imagination went wild . I had to leave work early and go home . When I got home , Shorter met me at the car . He had a cut on his eyebrow . Being a facial cut , it bled profusely . I figure that he shook his head , thus slinging blood everywhere . My son was angry , can 't say that I blamed him . Shorter ran the neighborhood in Martin City . Everyone knew him and who he belonged to . I guess they thought they were doing me a favor then when during deer season , they gave him deer bones . Deer bones give him gas . My God ! Talk about stink ! He got so used to me telling him to leave the room when he 'd cut one that even now when you tell him , " You stink . " he 'll leave . Once his belly had swollen up and he wouldn 't eat or drink . I thought he got into some antifreeze . I was so scared I was losing him . Finally he threw up deer guts ! Alot of deer guts . I was relieved that he 'd be okay . I had to clean it up and was so nasty that it made me vomit ! 2006 Thanksgiving , I took Shorter with me , to stay with a sick friend . The ground was covered with about a 1 ½ foot of snow . I let Shorter out in the back yard . I wasn 't familiar with the back yard . It was late evening and I could barely see . After a little while , I grew concerned . He had not come back to the door . I went out there and heard splashing . He had fallen into a small pool . It was obviously over his head . He was struggling to get out . I grabbed the skin on his neck with both hands and pulled him out . That was a close call . Shorter opened doors , with the doorknob . Bite and turn . I can 't even tell you how many doorknobs I 've replaced . You wouldn 't believe how much damage a doorknob can take and still work . However , I have found that if I wrap the knob with duck tape , he won 't touch it . Once , I came home from work to find that he had ripped through the back door in my mobile home . I couldn 't believe it . I still don 't know just how he did it . Shorter and I and I let a friend stay with me . This friend was 6 ' 7 " and 280 lbs . After about a month , he started to get possessive and controlling with me . I found myself in my yard , flat on my back on the ground and this man towered over me with one fist drawn back . He was screaming at me . I was terrified . The next minute he swung around saying , " Your dog bit me . " He pulled up his shirt and revealed two bleeding punctures . Shorter never barked or growled at him before the bite . After the bite Shorter circled him growling . The hair on his shoulders and back were standing up . I 'd never seen him like this . I didn 't even know Shorter was outside . My boy , I believe , saved my life . I got away from that lunatic only because Shorter was there for me . The next day I got a restraining order on him . He came back about midnight a couple nights later . He tried to get in . He didn 't knock but tried to use a key . He had changed the lock ! Shorter stood at the front door , growling , again with his hair standing up . The man left . I never saw him again . To this day Shorter has never bitten like that again . June of 2006 , my son was 17 years old . He wouldn 't stay in school . He has a terrible temper . He would start yelling in my face and Shorter would nip him on the butt and that just made matters worse . Being a single parent , I sometimes was too much of a pushover . I 've always wanted my kids to be happy and to make the most of their lives . I wanted him to graduate and go to Tech school . The way things were headed , I could see no good would come of him from staying in Martin City . I decided that it was time that he met his dad . I got this feeling that 's time to go . I loaded up a u - haul and put my son 's truck on a trailer . The next day we left . Shorter and the cat rode in the back . There was plenty of room . Somewhere in Colorado a cop took my drivers license . He told me that it was suspended . Later , I was to find out that I failed to pay tickets for dog at large and that 's why they took my license . My ex dad his family are all happy to see my son . Shorter and I was put in the street . Here I am in a very large , undesirable place with no I . D . , no car , no drivers ' license , and no place to stay and no friend except my best friend Shorter . People said , " You could stay in a shelter , if you get rid of the dog . " Shorter was 7 years old and I am his human . My face was the face he saw when opened his little puppy eyes for the first time . I 'll sleep in the alleyways of that big ugly city with my dog . I wasn 't afraid . People would cross the street when we walk down it , because they were afraid . I was constantly hearing people say , " BIG DOG . " Yep , 135 lbs . of big dog . Anxiety got the best of me after I was there about 2 weeks . I had chest pain and the ambulance took me to the hospital . Animal control took Shorter . They released me the next day and told me where Shorter was . With no vehicle , it 's sounded like China . It was a good 10 miles from where I was . The city bus didn 't even go all the way . I knew that it was going to be hard having my boy walk all the way back . Dogs can 't ride the bus . City buses there had mounts on the front where you could put a bike . I loaded my bike and rode the bus as far as I could . Shorter had been there 2 days . When I got him , I could tell that he had held his bladder the entire time he was there . I rode the bike and we stopped alot to rest . When it started to get dark , I finally called a cab company . I was so glad when they didn 't have a problem with Shorter . My ex - sister - n - law wouldn 't help me get him back and she got mad when she saw that I brought him back . My ex - sister - n - law " let " me pitch a tent in her back yard . She had kids 9 or 10 years old . Her kids and their friends would play in the back yard . I had caught the kids throwing balls at Shorter and got on to them about it . I was there a month before I got a job . I rode the city bus to work every day . I had to leave Shorter there in the back yard . One afternoon , I had just come in from work . I was right there when I heard Shorter bark . I turned to see a boy running away from Shorter . The boy said Shorter bit him on his butt . I looked there was no break in the skin . No blood . The kid told his parents . The parents called animal control , they told them Shorter was vicious and wanted my dog put down . I can 't even tell you the emotions that I felt . Animal control came out and met Shorter . She turned out to be a pretty nice lady . She said that by law , Shorter had to be quarantined to make sure he didn 't have rabies . Shorter was taken and held for 10 days . I told the lady that Shorter wouldn 't " go " in the kennel because it was inside and would she please see to it that he was taken outside everyday to do his business . She did this for him and even called me in 5 days . I missed him so much . I felt lost without him . She gave him a rabies shot and bought him back to me . When she showed up in the animal control truck , Shorter was riding behind the seat . No favoritism there . He wasn 't locked in the back , where he couldn 't see out . When he saw me , he started whining . I asked her if he had whined before . She said , " No , he was a good boy . " " He just watched everything I did . " I am grateful to that nice lady in Hampton Virginia that took such good care of my Shorter . I talked to some people about my problem . I told them that I was willing to clean in exchange for room and board . We weren 't in the street long . God is so good to me . I took a job helping a 70 year old clean and organize his house . He had let it go for 30 years and it was a challenge . The man called me , " His God sent angel . " As he said , he couldn 't ever pay anyone for all that I did for him . The yard wasn 't " Shorter proof . " We stayed there 8 months and sometimes I 'd be looking for him when I got home . Other times he 'd just be waiting for me on the front porch . Sometimes he 'd lie in the thick bush and watch me work myself up . Such a joker ! I think that he 'd think " silly woman ! " I got a job at Wal - Mart . I paid off the tickets and got my license . I bought a mini van . I missed the cat so much . I went to get him from Richard Sr . and I didn 't believe him when he said the cat run off . My cat was 6 years old , 30 lb . black , beautiful animal and that hurt . I had been in Virginia a year . I wanted to come back to Montana . I got this feeling that it was time to go . May 2007 , Momma called , she needed me . Daddy was going to have surgery . I hit the road . I arrived at moms in south Texas four days later . Daddy had surgery the next day . Mom knew what I did for the man in Hampton . She wanted me to clean and organize their place . That 's what I did . After I got there mom told me that my van wouldn 't pass inspection and that I wouldn 't be able to get Texas plates for it . I sold the van . I soon started to regret it as mother became more and more controlling . I was at mother 's beck and call . I love my mother . I swear it was weird , being 48 at home with mom and dad and being treated like a 17 year old . If I looked at mom sideways , she 'd tell dad and then I was in big trouble . That made me miserable . I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut . Shorter was 8 years old . Shorter started chewing his butt and it was bad . I tried this cream and that shampoo . Still he chewed , till it bled . He couldn 't sleep . He couldn 't be still . He so was sick . I told mom , " I have to take him to the vet . " Mom said , " He has fleas and he 's old . " I cried myself to sleep for fear that Shorter was going to die . I got a job , and I drove mother 's car to work . I saved money . Mom and dad went out of town for a week . I made an appointment with a vet . I took the truck without permission . The vet told me that Shorter had a " skin infection . " He said that Shorter was allergic to the " meat byproducts " in dog food . He gave Shorter a shot . He prescribed antibiotics , steroids and prescription dog food . The dog food cost $ 50 . 00 for 37 lb . bag . I didn 't care how much it cost . Shorter stopped chewing immediately . He slept and I knew my boy was going to be okay . I learned what " meat byproducts " in dog food was , from the internet . Not pretty . When mom came back , I told her about Shorter 's trip to the vet . She got mad at me for taking the truck and stayed mad couple days . Of course dad said his piece too . I know , I did the right thing . I got this feeling that its time to go . My daughter called and asked me " Mom , where will you go ? You can come live with us , we have a room for you and Shorter . " My son moved here from Virginia to live with his sister . Sweet Montana , been away too long . June 2008 , I arrived here in Livingston . It 's so good to be back where we belong . Shorter has opened doors and gates here . He has already been picked up by Judy , the local dogcatcher . He likes to wander down to H St . If he could talk , I 'd ask him why . Judy knows where he lives and he does too . He loves to squeak his squeaky ball . He 's happy with his bed and his food bowl . This is good and more comfortable . It 's been along way home and it so good to be home . We 're all family here . Shorter agrees . |
Masni had only recently arrived in Jakarta . Ruli had invited her to come and live with her in the city feeling she was now of sufficient means to help raise Masni . Before coming to live with Aunty Ruli , Masni had been cared for by her grandparents in a tiny village in provincial Sumatra where Masni was destined to become just one more among countless rural peasant women , just as all her forebears had been . They were about to set off to visit Musa , one of Ruli 's cousins . For some years after Musa 's father had passed away , Ruli paid for Musa 's schooling . Ruli and Masni arrived in , well , the second part of the name of the area was " Indah " ( * ) , but Ruli couldn 't remember exactly what Musa 's house looked like . Fortunately she had brought the address . Despite the blaze of security lights the house itself looked quiet . Ruli pushed the bell on the gate several times but no one appeared . Masni began to shift uneasily from foot to foot shrinking before the soaring gates . " People in Jakarta don 't like guests , " Masni thought to herself . " I 'm glad I 'm with Aunty Ruli or I 'd be standing here by myself . " She thought how different her own village had been . Nobody had a fence , apart from the village chief . And it certainly was not polite to let visitors stand for ages in the street . Ruli called out to someone , a builder it seemed , working next door who disappeared to the back and in a few minutes an elderly woman emerged who opened the gate for them . The old woman was wearing a sarong and a fine knee - length traditional lace blouse , indicating to Masni , happy at the sight , that she was from the same district in Sumatra as she was . The woman told Masni to call her " grandma " which also made Masni happy . Although the elderly woman was not her real grandmother she was a grandaunt . The three women talked away exchanging news . The man of the house was apparently away on annual holidays in Bali with his wife and children . Musa and the family , according to the elderly woman , always spent the New Years outside Java . Ruli did not known this , recalling that Musa and the children had always called in to see her at Christmas or New Years to wish her the seasons greetings and leave a present . The elderly woman continued her news . Last year Musa bought the block of land behind their house and turned it into an orchid garden for his wife . His wife was buying and selling orchids . Just to make a little money . The elderly woman continued . Musa had a cattle farm outside town . He had bought the land and was raising cattle . Kahar was managing it all , and the cows were producing plenty of milk . She went on and on with the family news , of how , well , to put it simply , Musa had done quite well for himself and had helped his brother to find work . Pleased to hear all the news Ruli was gratified that her help with Musa 's education had not been in vain . She was happy also that it was only because of Musa being so busy with his career that he hadn 't had time to keep up with news of other members of the family . Ruli gazed around the front parlour , cavernous by land - squeezed Jakarta 's standards . She gazed at the intricately decorated crystal lamp on the wall unit , the video recorder in the corner , the delicately carved teak lounge , electric organ , seawater aquarium in the other corner , lush Middle - Eastern carpet and indescribably modern paintings . It was all there . During their visit , Masni sat as quietly as a mouse . She didn 't utter a word . The elderly woman then told them about the family 's pet dogs , one or two of which had indeed been wandering about barking . They were strangely shaped dogs , not like the ones grandpa kept in the village . These dogs had curly hair and a soft bark , one very small and low and without a real snout . The elderly woman described how the family had recently had a terrible experience and Ruli , politely feigning offence at having not being informed , asked what had happened . " Two years ago Musa bought a special German Shepherd . I can 't remember how to say its name but I do know it cost more than a million rupiah . They had to give it special meat , take it to the vet from time to time for check - ups and after it was big enough they took it to school . " Masni 's ears stood up ! " Take a dog to school ! " she thought . " What sort of dog would it have to be ? Is it possible for a dog to go to school ? Not even all the children in the village go to school . They can 't afford the monthly fees , " she thought . " It wouldn 't be a bad life being a dog in Musa 's family , " Masni thought to herself still refusing to say a word to anyone . " The dog became very clever , " continued the elderly woman . " It could play ball with the children . It guarded the house and it could open a closed door , so long as it wasn 't locked , jump over chairs and pounce on dangerous looking strangers . And that wasn 't all . " " Ah , I wouldn 't say that . He is also responsible for a lot of people . There 's me , his brothers and sisters , and all his brothers - and sisters - in - law . And then there 's some of his friends ' children from close by , " the old sarong bound woman answered modestly . " The dog 's job was to guard Musa . If someone wanted to hurt Musa , the dog would jump up and bite the person . But if one day Musa wanted to sell the dog the birth certificate , the pedigree and the training certificates would all have to be handed over as well or he wouldn 't get a good price . " It was late and Ruli could see the elderly woman was getting tired so she decided it was just about time to finish their New Year 's Eve visit . She had really wanted to see Musa 's wife . For the past seven years Musa 's wife had regularly sent a Christmas present and this was the first time Ruli had taken the time to drop in to thank her . Up till now Ruli had felt that as she was the older of the two it was Musa 's responsibility to call on her . In fact she wanted to introduce Masni to Musa and his family . They were about to leave when the old woman asked them to look through two thick photo albums full of pictures , of the dog and all its certificates . The elderly woman explained that one day Musa had been playing with the dog , telling it how clever it was , when the children arrived home from school and joined in . Something must have happened . Musa must have made some sort of movement that upset his youngest son because the child picked up a walking stick from the corner of the parlour and began pretending to hit his father . Suddenly the dog snarled angrily and jumped on the child and bit him . At first everyone thought it was all just wonderful fun , that the dog was showing how clever it was . As blood began to run down the child 's arm and she started screaming , the dog grew more and more angry . Then everyone suddenly realized what was happening and Musa leapt into action . Apparently what happened , the old woman remembered , was that the child moved exactly like the bad men the dog had been trained to attack at the school . Musa forced the dog out of the way and the house was in uproar . Someone called Musa 's wife who was next door at a neighbourhood function ; someone called the family doctor ; children started howling ; and the elderly woman herself began yelling at Musa and the dog . The whole house was in chaos for a week . The dog was taken straight out of town to the trainer 's but after that the old woman didn 't know what happened to it . Musa never brought it home again and someone said that within a month it died . The following day Ruli asked Masni to go with her to visit another friend . " So the rest of the family in Jakarta can get to know you , " Ruli said . " After all , you 're new in Jakarta . " They set off for Boti 's house in the opposite direction to Musa 's . Also one of Ruli 's cousins , Boti was a senior civil servant with three children , all girls , and Ruli hoped that the girls would invite Masni to meet some of their friends . Boti 's house was always full of young people and the girls did turn out to be friendly to Masni . It was Masni herself who didn 't feel comfortable , preferring not to say a word . The main topic of conversation between Boti his wife Ida and Ruli was the sad event which had recently happened to the family . And what had happened ? There had been a death , the mynah from Nias Island had died . " Ida , you really are too much ! I thought that someone in the family had passed away . You shouldn 't be so sad over a bird ? " tut - tutted Ruli making fun of her friends . " Ah . There are plenty of mynahs at the bird market near our house . You really shouldn 't be this sad about a dead bird , " said Ruli again somewhat frustrated . Ida looked at her husband and then explained . " This mynah was a gift from a very poor relative living on Nias Island when Boti was posted there . Boti was able to help the family in a small way and the mynah was a present , a token of their thanks for protection from the possibility of some penalty . It had only just been caught in the forest , " said Ida . " After we returned to Jakarta , Boti looked after the bird himself and taught it to talk and whistle . The whole household was happy with the new creature chortling away in the house . " In the mornings he would whistle and whistle , say ' good morning ' to Boti and me and the children and in the afternoons he would sing the first lines of the folk song ' Lisoi ' . The children are always singing that song . Whenever a passing vegetable hawker or a rag - and - bone man was about to open the gate , the little mynah was taught to call out , ' Who are you looking for ? No one 's asked you to come in ! ' " For two years the mynah was the sixth person in the family and the maid was the seventh . When I think about it , Boti looked after the little mynah , checked its food and water every day when he arrived home from work before saying hello to me or the children . Only after he had seen that the mynah was all right would he check on the others in the house . " Last Sunday I got sick and had to stay home . I felt moody and fussed about as though nothing was how it should have been . I got cranky with everyone in the house and the maid and she even threatened to walk out if I kept becoming angry with her . " Well , I didn 't want the maid to leave so I bottled things up inside and that was the day I heard Boti come home . I was so furious when the first thing he did was stop outside the kitchen to look in the bird 's cage . Boti played with the bird , joked with it , whistled to it and filled up its water bowl . " Then he went into the bedroom , put down his case and changed . Well , I exploded . I told him he cared more about the bird than about his sick wife . Boti was worn out and sweaty and , shall I say , responded to my outburst in a way that was more appropriate to an infantryman in the middle of battle . Unkind , not to say , indelicate , words were fired between us mortar like . The maid was terrified , as was the little mynah who had never heard an angry word uttered in its life . " After a while Boti said to me , ' Ida , you shouldn 't be jealous of a bird . The bird has only ever been something for the whole house to enjoy . If it could really talk you would have to apologize to it . ' " I knew that Boti was distraught ; he just wasn 't saying so for my sake . I was so sorry about my childish behaviour that day . True , nothing will bring him back , but everyone still feels his passing away terribly , no more cheery good mornings outside the kitchen . " Sarintan was a distant relative of Masni 's late father , but Ruli knew her well through work . She now lived by herself in a rented house which , compared to her former twelve bedroom palace which one had to circle on a small bicycle , was cozy and small . It had the feeling of a lonely mountain temple . She had once been in charge of a small company but it had gone bankrupt and she and her husband had fallen on hard times . Then her husband eventually ran off with another woman . Their only child , pretty and brilliant in school , had won a scholarship to study in Australia where she had married a millionaire Vietnamese refugee immigrant and settled down . Sarintan lived with no more companionship than that of her driver and two maids . She survived now by teaching English and music . Her income was actually not insubstantial , but with the tastes she had acquired in her days of plenty she never felt she had enough money . Her daughter understood how her mother felt , sending a little money from Australia from time to time and she had even sent her mother two Angora cats to provide a little companionship . When Ruli and Masni arrived a large crowd was gathered at the house and all the windows were wide open to the moist tropical air making a joke of the air conditioner still running . Ruli sensed something was wrong . Masni was shown a picture of the missing cat . Its partner lived in Sarintan 's bedroom and the cat was beautiful , thick fur , colours as soft as watercolours and large bright eyes . In all her life Masni had never seen a cat as beautiful as this , not even while collecting firewood in the forest around her village . After Ruli and Masni had been there about two hours , one of Sarintan 's neighbours from the street walked in - Onasis in arms . Wearing a sarong the neighbour refused to come into the house . He had been about to go to bed when he came across Onassis being chased by a group of cats . Even though he was fat and well looked after Onassis was not up to fighting his brother cats . Sarintan leapt to the front door , wrapped her arms around Onassis warmly and carried him off forgetting the man at the door . Tears welled up in her eyes then flowed down her cheeks as she murmured ' thank you ' over and over . Finally she carried him into the bedroom for a joyful reunion , all three losing themselves in a joyful embrace . Sarintan was clearing overjoyed , elated , by Onassis ' return . There was no doubt about it , her joy was palpable . It was almost midnight before Ruli and Masni left for home , almost the end of the third day of the New Year 's holiday . Before leaving , Masni caught sight of Sarintan lovingly pushing Onassis ' pills into his mouth . The old lady hadn 't paid the slightest attention to Masni or Ruli . She was drowning in the grief of losing Onassis when they arrived . By the time they left she was floating in an ocean of happiness over finding her imported cat again . During the past week Ruli and Masni had done a lot together to celebrate the New Year and all sorts of people had dropped in on Ruli . Each had their own particular stories , some unintelligible to Masni , others completely unbelievable . Masni found the city people she had met strange and foreign , totally unlike the people she knew back in her village . Masni was deeply disturbed . Was this Jakarta , the place she had longed to see so much , centre of learning , the place where people could find a better life ? There were other people from her village , other members of her family , here in Jakarta and she had visited some of them together with her late father 's cousin , Aunty Ruli . But not one had asked her to come and live with them . They all knew how her father had passed away , how her widowed mother had remarried and how , as a result , Masni and her sister Misna were being brought up on the edge of the forest by their poor grandparents . Masni didn 't have the courage to tell Ruli , busy with work and visitors , what was swimming in her head . Ruli had never tried to discuss with her how she was feeling or what she was thinking . Ruli had just accepted Masni would get used to life in the city quickly . After all didn 't every villager want to live in the big city ? In Aunty Ruli 's house Masni could use as much fresh water as she liked . She didn 't have to haul buckets or earthenware pitchers from the well . In the evenings she didn 't have to light the lamps . Electricity did make it easier to cook and to find something to do . True . Life was easier in Ruli 's house . " But , dear Lord ! " sighed Masni to herself . " Why do they care so much about animals ? " This was what her tiny heart could not accept . Her grandpa had never killed an animal , hadn 't ever eaten meat and had once become angry when a group of children killed an animal that wasn 't threatening anyone . Grandpa taught the village children that animals were made by God to help people and therefore they shouldn 't be killed . But grandpa did get very annoyed every time an animal came into the house , except for skinks or ants . Dogs were not loved and fawned over and people didn 't sleep together with cats ! School enrolments had started and Masni , little Masni who hadn 't been able to summon the courage to say a word at any of the gatherings of city people , now mustered all her bravery and said , " Aunty Ruli , I don 't want to go to school in Jakarta . I know we decided . But it doesn 't matter . I … , I would like to go home to my village . " " Honey , what 's that ? Go back to your village ? You said you wanted to become a clever girl , that you wanted to send some money back to help grandma and grandpa in the village . How are you going to earn any money if you don 't go to school ? " " Aunty Ruli , please don 't be angry . Jakarta is too busy and crowded . There 's so much noise and dust and so many people , so many people and none of them are friendly . I don 't have any friends here . On television everything looks wonderful and new but every night I think of grandpa . I want to go home . " Ruli wasn 't pleased as she watched Masni sob quietly . Young as she was Masni was immovable . She had made up her mind . She wanted to be taken back to her village . Ruli tried to encourage Masni to change her mind but it didn 't work . A successful career woman , Ruli had forgotten about the thoughts and feelings of a small village girl . She hadn 't taken the time to sit down and talk to Masni heart - to - heart before going to bed . She had felt she was doing something good by helping the poor orphan child . To her mind Masni was being inconsiderate , even rude . Reluctantly Ruli took Masni back to her village . They flew to Medan , and then went by bus deep into the countryside . Ruli was so sad to lose Masni . She liked her very much , her clear olive skin , her gentle nature . True , Masni didn 't say much , didn 't ask many questions , but she did love reading and she always paid careful attention to any advice given to her . Masni answered with the honesty of a nine - year - old village child . " Grandpa , in the city people care more about animals than people . The rich people we visited keep dogs and cats and mynah . They pay lots of money for them . They don 't catch them in the forest . They send animals to school and the animals get certificates . They give medicine to cats as if they were babies and hug them and cry over them when they get lost . Even Aunty Ruli has pet fish in a tank and the water has to be pumped with an electric pump . I couldn 't bear to look at all the people , watch them ignore me . I 'm poor and I come from a village . I don 't mean anything to them . To them the animals mean more than I do . " Posted on October 12 , 2016 by ITS By Gerson Poyk I live completely alone . But I can still live well enough since I don 't depend on anyone else . I can eat three meals a day . I can live in one rented room where there 's a couch , a bathroom and a kitchen . Outside at the back there 's a roof that extends a long way so the cooker , dish rack , bucket and bicycle can be stored there . There 's a second - hand television in my room which keeps me entertained every day . If only my daughter hadn 't married a man who worked in the Middle East . Maybe I wouldn 't be living alone as she 'd have been able to look after me , and my two grandchildren could have entertained me . But thankfully my daughter can help me out a little financially . For a long time since my wife passed away our situation has been pretty tight . My wife used to cook food out the back to sell for a little income . She 'd cook spiced fish , uduk rice , chili soya bean , grilled fish , grilled eggplant and a chili sauce which I liked to call ' chili Inul sauce ' . Every day I travel around on my bike selling food . I pedal from before dawn , sometimes till afternoon , and sometimes till late in the day . I target selling at the traditional markets and the multi - storey projects where day labourers work . But after my wife passed away everything was a mess . My daughter was forced to drop out of school in year ten because she had to help me . Every evening I had to cook , carrying on as my wife had shown me . However , after cooking I had to rest half a day which meant the food wasn 't all sold everyday . Luckily my daughter knew a young woman from the island of Madura who sold drop cakes . " Dad , I want to do what that woman from Madura is doing , " said my daughter . " She dropped out of primary school but she could still get to run a business , " she said . " Ah , you shouldn 't make fun of her , " I said . " The only assets she has is a small cooker and one rice flour dough pot . She runs a business selling drop cakes . She 's very busy , dad , " said my daughter . " I want to sell drop cakes like her , " she went on . " But what about the food business your mother left behind ? Do we have to forget about that ? Would the income from that be enough for the two of us to survive on ? " I asked . " That 's easy . All it needs is one table . Some of the food you cook could be displayed on that one table and you can sell some of it from your bike . What do you think ? " So three days later there was a small food stall in the traditional market . At the side of the table was a hissing cooker wafting the aroma of fresh drop cakes . My daughter 's drop cake " lecturer " , the woman from Madura , was selling not far away beside my daughter 's stall . Everyday very early in the morning my daughter sold by herself in the market without me for company . After sleeping till eleven o ' clock in the middle of the day , I pedaled my bicycle to the market and collected some of the food my daughter was selling . I rode around to the busy building sites , outside factory fences and places like that . Early one morning a young journalist from the tabloid Voice of the Market , no stranger to staying up all night , squatted in front of my daughter 's drop cake cooker . The young journalist fell in love with my daughter . He published a photograph of her and the girl from Madura prominently in his tabloid newspaper . The story was long and detailed and described the " candak kulak " program which was a government program from the time of the New Order government which had provided small - scale capital . The program was long gone , vanished without a trace . Later my daughter married the journalist from the Voice of the Market . Her friend the girl from Madura sold up and down the market until one day several months later a minibus driver proposed to her . Not long after that my son - in - law moved to the Middle East to work as a journalist with the magazine Oil which is part of an oil company . Nevertheless , neither of them did help me much because they were studying while they worked there . My son - in - law was at university and my daughter finished her high school matriculation and then she went on to university . But they did not forget to think about my financial situation . My daughter sent some money for me to use as capital to buy sandalwood and agarwood fans to sell in the Middle East along with necklaces made from sandalwood and agarwood beads . Later they also asked for offcuts of sandalwood and agarwood used for burning in the incense burners of wealthy middle eastern people . So I was busy with my new business as a sandalwood fan trader . Each month I would freight the aromatic commodity . I rented a small post office box to support my business activity . Everything was small . The post office box was small , the bedroom was small , but with these small things I was involved in a world which was wide and large ! Although sales of sandalwood fans was brisk enough for me to be able to buy a block of land in Jakarta , my children told me not to buy land to build a house in the city . My daughter thought it would just be destroyed by floods of both water and people . Their thinking seemed pretty strange to me . Every time I went to the post office to send products I visited a small open air food stall in the grounds of the post office to have coffee or a bit to eat . The owner of the food stall Misses Agus was helped by her daughter who had a younger brother who hadn 't undergone the Islamic khitan or circumcision ceremony yet . At first I only had breakfast there then I visited every day to have lunch and dinner . Master Agus who wasn 't circumcised yet was very pleased when I did drop in . Usually if I had any spare change I would give it to him as a present . Suddenly one day he showed me a piggy bank that was heavy . It was full of the coins I had given him . It was a real surprise to me to see a child who had apparently been left by a father who had passed away . Master Agus ' big sister Julie had been a wonderful help to her mother . Almost every day she worked in the small food stall unless she had to wash clothes at home , sweep or hang out washing . " Where do you work , sir ? " Julie asked one day . " I work at home , " I answered . " Ah , don 't underestimate ants . They have a lot to teach humans . They work together and cooperate without anger , without getting emotional , like … " " No , my mother is born from noble Javanese descent but now works in this humble little food stall , " said Julie . " It doesn 't matter that it 's small , so long as it turns a dollar and makes a profit , to turn this food stall into a building . This shop is larger than my post office box . That 's my shop . It only returns a little , but fortunately I 'm an ant so I don 't eat much , " I said . " Small people like us have to start small . " " A post box can 't be bulldozed and relocated but it seems that even if the rent is paid this food stall can be taken away in a truck and piled up in the municipal depot . " One day early in the morning when I arrived at the post office I saw Mrs Agus having an argument . Two large men were carrying plates , pots , woks , cookers and other things , and piling them into a pickup truck . It seemed that Mrs Agus owed money to a village money lender . She just sat silently staring blankly , bright red eyes . Although it was none of my business , something inside me compelled me to ask , " How much money do you owe ? " " Only three - hundred thousand . How could they do something like that ! And after the agreement was to pay a thousand rupiah a day . Suddenly he asked me to repay the whole loan because he said his house had been flooded , " said Julie . " Where 's the money … " I wasn 't being rational any more . At once I called out , " Mate , put those things back in the food stall . Here , I 'll pay what Mrs Agus owes you . " Then I pulled out three - hundred thousand rupiah from my wallet . " Wow , three hundred , only what about the interest ? It 's now three years and my money 's been locked up in this food stall . Five hundred … " After the debt collectors had gone , a little while later Master Agus arrived home from school . The small , first grade child was surprised mainly because there was no food . I told him to buy packets of cooked rice for four people and then help get the stall set up so it didn 't look like a wreck . Since that incident Julie would always visit my boarding room with food , cleaned all the dirty things , washed my clothes and helped me pack the sandalwood and agarwood fans and also help cut up agarwood pieces . Then , when that was in order , she would help put them into boxes , write sender and recipient addresses and help carry them to the post office . She would also always check the post box and get any mail from my daughter overseas . Julie had become my assistant . Although she had only finished junior high school , her writing was good and she was quick with numbers . After six months there was a disaster . Julie the fatherless child all of a sudden found she had a father in me , and at the same time , fell in love with me . I was racked by conflict . I was fifty five years old and Julie was just twenty . It wasn 't right . Poor Julie . But she stubbornly wanted to be my wife . For me this was not love that was normal , it was all because of the sandalwood fans , the aromatic agarwood fans meant money . If I hadn 't had any money the young woman wouldn 't have wanted this . Ah , sandalwood fans , the beautiful aroma of agarwood fans had preserved an old man who already smelt of the soil . It wasn 't right for Julie to marry this ancient from Jakarta . Julie hugged me , hung round my neck and said , " I 'll look after you until you 're using a walking stick . You 'll live again , become young again , through our children . I became weak , and fell onto the bed . Suddenly there was a knock at the door and as it wasn 't locked Mrs Agus walked right in . Her eyes were red . Maybe her high blood pressure had come back . Anyway she appeared to have tidied herself up and was thinking herself pretty . In fact because of the bright red of her lipstick I felt like I was being approached by a tiger . It isn 't right for Julie to become your wife , " she said , " I 'm the right one for you . " As she spoke she moved towards Julie then she slapped Julie . As Julie ran out I made a run for the back door and then into the bathroom . I hid there for an hour . When I emerged into my room Mrs Agus was thankfully no longer in sight . Since then I haven 't appeared at Mrs Agus ' food stall . I closed down the post office box and moved to another post office . About three months later , Julie arrived at my room . She sat down as she slid a baby bottle into the lips of the baby in her arms . I was dumbstruck . Surely she wasn 't going to try it on me . I hoped she wasn 't about to go to the police station and report that her baby was my child , the child of a humble sandalwood fan trader . " I 've been living with a minibus driver , " she said . " And had a baby right away ? " I asked . " No . His wife has left him and she handed the baby over to me . I just took her . After all where else was I going to go . My mother has high blood pressure . The important thing is that I have a husband , " said Julie , cradling the baby . I couldn 't say anything . My eyes missed over . One day about a year later as I was pedaling my bicycle , I saw Mrs Agus shuffling along dragging a half filled sack . I stopped but she had forgotten who I was which shocked me deeply . When I looked at the sack I realized . It was just full of plastic water bottles and old newspapers . Mrs Agus had become a garbage collector . To her Jakarta had given only garbage . " Where 's Julie now ? " I asked . " I 'm a sandalwood fan trader . " " Oh , my son - in - law , my son - in - law . Please can you just give me a ride on the back of your bike ! " |
Ben was born in France on 4th April 2006 . As a puppy he looked like a black labrador . But over the years he has changed and is now a very special long haired , good looking dog with a superb personality . 25 Nov 2009 Ben is a French dog , when we first met him he was only eight weeks old . His owners told us he was a Labrador / Retriever . As we were not experts at breeds of dog , to us his did look like a young retriever . However at his first meeting with the vet there were doubts about this . The vet looked at his paws and his face and declared , " No way is he a retriever , to me he is more like a French Berger " . Today at nearly four years old , we can hardly believable how much he has changed , in fact if you look at the photos of him as a puppy and look at him now he doesn 't look like the same dog . We have to agree with the vet , he is a French Berger with a bit of Collie and also Portuguese Water Dog , mixed in down the family line . None of this matter to us , we brought Ben to live with us as a member of our family , someone for us to look after , and give a good life to . I am a French dog called Ben , I was born in Morbihan in Brittany . I don 't have a pedigree , my mum was a very nice looking sort of Collie , and my Dad was a French Berger Picardie . As I look very much like my Dad many people recognise me as a French Berger . However I am told that I also appear a little like a Portuguese Water Dog as well , which probably is why I like water so much . I can remember very well my new Mum and Dad coming to see me , Dad was walking a bit funny , he had two sticks which I later heard someone say where crutches ; apparently he had had some silly accident and broken a bone in his leg . Well I found these sticks very interesting and tried to follow them all over , I think I nearly tripped him up once or twice , but that is how Dad and I got to know each other very well . The next time they came to see me was about two weeks later . I thought this was just for some more fun , but we left all the others behind and went off to what was to be my new home . I remember feeling very nervous , I had never been in a car , and never been away from my mum . But I sat on my new Dads knee and I was cuddled and stroked all the way home . And I started to think ' well this doesn 't seem too bad ' , and anyway at least then I was not being pulled about by brothers and sisters , as they did pick on me a bit and pull my tail a lot . When I was born , I had been living outside in a barn , with my mum and all my brothers and sisters . In this new house I was allowed inside the house and I had my own very posh looking bed , with a soft blanket and there was a box of toys as well , it was very nice . On the first day I explored the gardens , there were lots of trees and lots of grass to play in . Although I had my own toys and treats , my favourite game was " catch the plant pot " , have you ever tried to catch a plant pot ? It 's not easy , it 's something to do with the shape of it , and it rolls about in a very strange way . Well even to this day ( and I am now three and a half years old , ) it is still my favourite game . During the first few months I was often in trouble . I chewed the curtains in the dining room , I didn 't mean to but they were in the way and I couldn 't see outside properly . I also chewed up my nice soft bed that had been made especially for me . I tried to be as good as I could be , but sometimes it was very hard and I ended up in trouble . It was hard learning what was right and what was wrong . Every day we went for a long walk , most days we would go to the canal which ran along behind our house . At first just with Mum as Dad was still having a problem walking . I had to stay on the lead all the time , because I was young and silly . They didn 't want me to get hurt or lost , at this time I didn 't know how dangerous things could be , particularly cars they can be very dangerous indeed . I still forget this sometimes which I why I always stay on the lead on the roads and in the towns . They are always taking photos of me ! I heard the words training and education quite a bit , I heard Mum and Dad talking about it , and then I heard Ceaser Milan talking about training . The Dog Whisperer is my favourite programme , and I also like animal hospital , but that 's another story . My training went very well ; we continued to go out every morning for our long walks , and once I had chased a few pine cones and searched for some sticks in the forest and generally had a good run around , I was put back on my lead to do some training . I was learning how to walk on the lead without pulling Mum or Dad over , and also learning to stop and sit at the roads to make sure I didn 't get run over . I had to learn sit and stay when I was told , and also to come back when I was called . I manage to do this most of the time , but sometimes even now I still don 't get it quite right , and I get a bit of a ticking off . Once I had learnt these things , and proved that I would come back when called for , this was when things started to get better , as then they started to let me off the lead for longer times . Its great fun to run and play and chase sticks , and the freedom of running along the canal paths , through the forest and through parks is wonderful . I do need a good run every day its helps to keep me healthy and lets me get rid of all my extra energy that I have . Now that Dads leg is better we all go out for a walk together , I like it better that way , and Mum and Dad throw pine cones and sticks for me , they laugh when I fall over trying to catch them , and I feel really good once I have had my run and got all that spare energy out of my system . When I have had enough I hide the pine cones so they can 't throw them anymore , then we all plod home tired and happy . We all enjoy the walks , and we go out even in the pouring rain , ( although I don 't think mum and dad really want to get wet ) . I can remember one summer , when Auntie Sarah and Uncle Mike came for a holiday , so I had two more people to make a fuss of me , I was still only little , I was only a few months old . I was on my way back from my walk , and we were coming through the garden . I can remember very clearly running across the grass to greet Auntie Sarah , when suddenly the ground gave way beneath my feet and I felt myself going down and down in the darkness . I was very scared , and I could not breath properly , it all happened so quickly , I got a real fright , then suddenly there were hands grabbing me and dragging and I could breathe the fresh air again and I was back onto the grass . I went back to have a good look at what had happened , it turned out that there was a large pond in the back garden , I didn 't know what one of these was until then , but I certainly do now . I had been so busy trying to see Auntie Sarah that I didn 't look where I was going and I tried to walk across the water . Well , no one can do that can they ? Anyway that was my first attempt at swimming and I reckon I managed pretty well . Sadly no one had a camera to catch the action , but never mind . So we go out every morning , about the same time . Sometimes to the canal and sometimes we go somewhere else for a change , but we are always out for a good long walk . Dad loves to go to different places , he says he likes adventures and I am all for that . Sometimes the walks are very long and it seems these times were when we used to ' get lost ' , I didn 't understand at first what getting lost meant , but it was good for me as I always got a longer walk . I am not sure if Mum always agreed as they often looked rather worn out when they got home . One of my favourite places is the canal and I soon learnt how to swim properly . And I learnt how to find the best places to dive in ; making sure that the bank was short enough so that I could get out again . I did make mistakes once or twice and had to be dragged out as the bank was too steep for me to climb , I must look pretty sorry for myself when this happens , being dragged by the scruff of the neck out of the water , very embarrassing . There used to be a cat at our house , she was quite old and she very obviously didn 't like me . She was bigger than me at first , and she was always trying to scratch me . I tried to make friends with her but she didn 't want to know , so in the end I gave up and just stayed away from her . Mind to this day I don 't really like cats , I think they are just a nuisance , but that 's my opinion , apparently some dogs get on really well with cats . Perhaps I will meet a cat that likes me and then I will have a cat friend as well . I like to watch them creep into the garden , then I chase them like mad , I never manage to catch them though . I always get a ticking off for this from Mum or Dad , it seems it is not good to chase other animals . My very first visit to the seaside was when I was probably only about a year old . We had to go in the car , and it took us quite a while to get there as the beach was a long way . When I saw the beach for the first time I just thought , " WOW " , there was so much space . It was great fun to I could run along the beach , and race in and out of the water . I was a little worried about how much water there was , I had only ever swum in the canal . In the canal you are never far from the land on the beach the water seems to go on forever . One thing I did find was that this water tasted different , it was rather strange , not as nice as the water in the pond or in my drinking bowl . This water leaves a funny taste in my mouth . I found out afterwards that this was because the sea is made from salt water . We had a lovely day , the weather was nice and warm , and the sea was cool . And after we had played on the beach for a while with the ball , we all walked right the way along to the other end , it was a long way you could hardly see what was at the other end . We stopped near a pier where some boats where moored . The water wasn 't too deep here and the pier was sheltering this part of the water , so it wasn 't moving so fast and I was able to have a proper swim . Dad was throwing sticks into the water for me to chase , and soon I had could dive in and out of the water and swim about without any trouble . It didn 't take me long to became really confident . I felt especially good as there were several people watching me and laughing . They must have thought I was pretty clever . As we were walking she noticed something in the distance , and started to talk about what it might be . She thought it may have some gold coins in it lost from an ancient galleon . Dad said it may be from the famous ship the Titanic and had been washed ashore after years of storms at sea . I hoped it would be full of my favourite food , Frolic . As we got closer we were still wondering what it could be , I got there first and thought it looked pretty good , but I didn 't think there was any Frolic in it . Dad laughed when he saw what it was , it was a rusty old oil can which must have been in the sea for a long time . Oh well , never mind said Mam , we will just have to look again next time . We were soon back to the car , the sun was getting low in the sky and we were all feeling pretty tired but it had been a really good day . I went to sleep in the car , and I was looking forward so much to my dinner . I was so hungry when I got home that I really enjoyed my bowl of Frolic . One day when I was sitting at home resting , a large truck arrived on the front driveway . I had never seen this truck so I thought I would bark a bit to warn Mam and Dad . I was watching carefully from the window , and a man got out of the truck and walked to the front door . I was there before him barking to warn him that I was there , and don 't come to close please . Dad was right behind me so I was quite safe ( we look after each other ) . Dad spoke to the man and then shook the man 's hand and the man returned to the truck , I heard him tell Mam it was John the tree surgeon . I didn 't know what a tree surgeon was , but they all seemed very happy . The man , John opened the passenger side of the truck and out jumped a large black dog that looked just like me . I couldn 't believe it ; this dog was just like me , with long hair all over and the same sort of hairstyle on his face . Well once I had a sniff at him and he sniffed me we knew we were brothers , it was lovely to see him . I remembered him straight away and he remembered me . We ran around in the garden and chased each other all over the house . It was a lovely afternoon . It turns out his name is Buster and he lives with the people where I was born , all the other pups moved to different places , but Buster stayed there and he now goes out every day with John and helps out with the tree work . Just before Christmas in 2008 , Mam and Dad started packing up the car with boxes and cases and all sorts of other things . I thought they where having another clear out of the rubbish they collect . I thought they may be off to the rubbish tip ( or decheterie as they call it here in France ) . I knew I wasn 't going with them as they had completely filled the back of the car where I normally travel . Next day we set off early for our walk in the forest behind the house , Dad said it was going to be a quick walk as we had a long day ahead of us . And it was a long day . We set off in the car about 10 o ' clock and drove for many miles . We stopped at a large service station where they had coffee and I had a walk and sniff around . We did this every few hours as Dad and Mam didn 't want me getting to stiff sitting in the car all day . Next day we set off after a nice breakfast and we were headed for the Channel Tunnel . We arrived at the pet passport office and Mam and me went inside to see the officer . I was terrified when I hear the Officer say my passport wasn 't in order . I was so frightened about what was to happen next . Well the Officer gave Mam a piece of paper and we set of to the local vet , I thought I was going to have to have another injection . I had already had one the day before from my lovely vet Heink in our village . Seems though that everything was ok , the vet in Calais just filled in some papers and stamped the passport for me , I think she charged some money for this but I am not sure . Mam and Dad wern 't too happy about it , but I was relieved as it meant I could travel to England . We got back to the Channel Tunnel , but we had missed the train so we went for a walk while we waited . About and hour later we all got back into the car and started heading to the train . This was exciting , and from my new seat in the car I could see everything that was going on . We drove onto the train behind another car , and stopped . Well half an hour later we where in England it was pretty cool . We had a great time in England , we spent lots of days on the beach and I met lots of English dogs there . We stayed with Nan who made us all feel very happy . We visited all our relations and friends and had a lovely Christmas when lots of people came for dinner , this was great as I got treats off everyone . For some time we had been having a lot of people coming to the house . I always knew someone was on the way because Mam would have the vacuum on all over the house . Dad would cut the grass and clean up the garage . People who I had never met would arrive and spend a lot of time looking about the house and asking questions . It turns out that Mum and Dad had decided the house was too big and the gardens where too much for them to look after . There was also a separate house which people would come and spend their holidays in ; I liked this as it was someone else to play with . However Mum and Dad said they wanted to spend more time travelling and enjoying themselves , getting out and about instead of cutting the grass and cleaning the cottage out every weekend . It was soon clear that someone had decided to buy the house and we were going to be moving somewhere else . I wasn 't worried about this , as long as they didn 't forget to pack my Frolic , my toys and of course my bed . Everything , and I mean everything had to go into boxes , there where boxes everywhere . This went on for about a month , sometimes we only managed a short walk in the morning as there was so much to do , but I normally got another walk later in the day Eventually the day came ; I woke up to hear a large truck backing down the drive to the front door . I can 't help it , but when I hear something out of the ordinary I bark and bark , which normally gives Dad a real fright , and then he gets a bit annoyed . Anyway the driver , whose name was Geoff , came in and they all sat down for coffee . Humans always have to have a cup of something before they get started . Next everything was loaded in the van , this took some time , Dad and Geoff and another man did all this while Mum cleaned and tidied the house . Soon the whole house was empty , it was really odd and I didn 't know what was going to happen next . I soon found out , and we all piled into the car and followed the van . We arrived about an hour later at a small white house . It was much smaller than the last house but it still had a good size garden which I was quite pleased about . November has been very quiet compared to the months of summer . We had lots of visitors again this year , all people I know , apart from one little person who I don 't think I had ever seen before , his name is Morgan and I will tell you a little more about him later as he was so little and I didn 't get to play with him very much . I wasn 't even allowed to go too close to him , and I got a real telling off if I tried to lick his face . Summer in Brittany is always very nice we have long sunny days , not too hot and very pleasant . Our back garden gets the sun all day long , but we have lots of trees out there so there is plenty of shade to lie in . This year we spent quite a bit of time sailing on the canals near to us . Dad has a nice little cabin cruiser boat which we sail the canals on , ( well he had a boat he has sold it now ) . I like sailing ; its lovely just lying on the back of the boat and watching the water go past . You see lots of lovely sites on the canals in Brittany , the wild life is lovely , all sorts of birds including Kingfishers , animals along the banks of the canal , and lots of lovely towns , houses and châteaux . It 's all very relaxing . We have sailed mainly on the Nantes - Brest Canal , which is a very famous canal . Despite is fame it is very quiet , even in the summer months there aren 't many other boats about . When Dad gets the boat underway I settle myself in my favourite spot and let the breeze ruffle through my fur and this keeps me nice and cool . We kept the boat at a port called Guipry Messac , it 's a nice little port , very friendly , I have a few dog friends there , and two of them are Boxers who live on a very big boat for the whole of the summer . When we aren 't sailing it 's usually because we have people staying with us . This is the time we all like the best . This year Aunty Sarah and Uncle Mike and their boys Lee and Connor came to stay for a while . This was good fun , as Connor is a very small person and usually has sweets or biscuits and if I follow him round I often manage to get the bits he drops . I also like the walks when Lee and Connor are there as they are good fun , they run about and play and throw pine cones and stick for me to chase , I like this . Uncle Nick and Aunty Kellie also came for a holiday with their children , Bethany and Morgan . Bethany was nice to me but I wasn 't allowed too close to Morgan , he was only 8 months old and very small . I liked to look of his dinners , they did look yummy and I know I could have very easily washed the bits of his face for him , but it wasn 't to be , I had to keep clear of him . My Nan came for a few days , I like Nan , she is nearly 90 years old , she gives me lots of tickles and I like to sit close to her . She came this year with Aunty Enid and we all went up to Normandy for a weekend . This was one of the most traumatic times I had ever had . Nan was going to take part in some celebrations for the end of the Second World War in France . Her husband ( who would have been my Granddad ) was a tank driver during the war . He landed on the beaches of Normandy and headed north to Holland , he was a real hero from what I have heard , sadly he died some years ago , I would have liked to have met him , he sounds really nice . Anyway back to the weekend , we stayed at this little house and attended the ceremony to remember the people who suffered and died during the war . It was a lovely sunny morning and the flags were flying outside the town hall , or I should say Hotel de Ville as we are in France . There were lots of people about , and I got quite a few pats and strokes as we took up our places to watch the service . I could just envisage myself as a regimental dog , what a real honour that would be . The vicar gave a lovely speech , and there was some singing and clapping from the people attending . As the service ended , there was this terrible banging ; I did not like this at all and just had to get away . I took off taking poor Dad with me . He told me not to worry but I couldn 't help it , it was so loud . I learnt afterwards that this was from the brass band . Well I am sure it is nice for humans , but not for me I really don 't like it . There were a lot of celebrations going on , but unfortunately there was too much noise for me , I was very uncomfortable so Mam and Dad took me to the beach and we walked along the shores where Granddad would have landed with his Tank all those years before . We had a lovely time , but it looks like I will never be brave enough to be the Regimental Mascot . Aunty Enid came again this summer with Uncle Paul ; we had some good times out and about . It 's very nice having people stay with us , I get lots of attention . Next where my favourite visitors , Aunty Jen and Uncle Dick with Sam and Poppy . Sam is a pretty laid back Golden Retriever , he is getting on a bit in years and isn 't really much fun , he doesn 't play with me . But Poppy is a beautiful slinky Golden Retriever , she is a little bit older than me , and I just love her . We have a great time running round the garden , and rolling around on the decking . We sometimes get carried away and end up running in and out of the house sending the mats flying all over . It 's great fun till someone shouts at us to stop . We go for long walks every day and Poppy and I love to run along the beach or the canal paths . I try very hard to get Poppy to come into the water , but I think she is a little bit too posh to jump into what is sometimes muddy looking water . She must think I am a bit rough , but I am sure she loves me just the same . I get very sad when they leave to go home , but Mam says we will see them again soon as we are going to be going to England again soon . Well they were the last of our visitors this year . It is November and now it is starting to turn a little colder here and it has rained a lot recently . Dad and Mam have been pruning the trees and clearing up the leaves in the garden . We all get very wet on our walks now , even without me going in the water . And talking of walks I think it is time I started to pester Dad as they have had their breakfast and it is time to go , I wander where we will go today , I hope it is the canal . |
Ben was born in France on 4th April 2006 . As a puppy he looked like a black labrador . But over the years he has changed and is now a very special long haired , good looking dog with a superb personality . 25 Nov 2009 Ben is a French dog , when we first met him he was only eight weeks old . His owners told us he was a Labrador / Retriever . As we were not experts at breeds of dog , to us his did look like a young retriever . However at his first meeting with the vet there were doubts about this . The vet looked at his paws and his face and declared , " No way is he a retriever , to me he is more like a French Berger " . Today at nearly four years old , we can hardly believable how much he has changed , in fact if you look at the photos of him as a puppy and look at him now he doesn 't look like the same dog . We have to agree with the vet , he is a French Berger with a bit of Collie and also Portuguese Water Dog , mixed in down the family line . None of this matter to us , we brought Ben to live with us as a member of our family , someone for us to look after , and give a good life to . I am a French dog called Ben , I was born in Morbihan in Brittany . I don 't have a pedigree , my mum was a very nice looking sort of Collie , and my Dad was a French Berger Picardie . As I look very much like my Dad many people recognise me as a French Berger . However I am told that I also appear a little like a Portuguese Water Dog as well , which probably is why I like water so much . I can remember very well my new Mum and Dad coming to see me , Dad was walking a bit funny , he had two sticks which I later heard someone say where crutches ; apparently he had had some silly accident and broken a bone in his leg . Well I found these sticks very interesting and tried to follow them all over , I think I nearly tripped him up once or twice , but that is how Dad and I got to know each other very well . The next time they came to see me was about two weeks later . I thought this was just for some more fun , but we left all the others behind and went off to what was to be my new home . I remember feeling very nervous , I had never been in a car , and never been away from my mum . But I sat on my new Dads knee and I was cuddled and stroked all the way home . And I started to think ' well this doesn 't seem too bad ' , and anyway at least then I was not being pulled about by brothers and sisters , as they did pick on me a bit and pull my tail a lot . When I was born , I had been living outside in a barn , with my mum and all my brothers and sisters . In this new house I was allowed inside the house and I had my own very posh looking bed , with a soft blanket and there was a box of toys as well , it was very nice . On the first day I explored the gardens , there were lots of trees and lots of grass to play in . Although I had my own toys and treats , my favourite game was " catch the plant pot " , have you ever tried to catch a plant pot ? It 's not easy , it 's something to do with the shape of it , and it rolls about in a very strange way . Well even to this day ( and I am now three and a half years old , ) it is still my favourite game . During the first few months I was often in trouble . I chewed the curtains in the dining room , I didn 't mean to but they were in the way and I couldn 't see outside properly . I also chewed up my nice soft bed that had been made especially for me . I tried to be as good as I could be , but sometimes it was very hard and I ended up in trouble . It was hard learning what was right and what was wrong . Every day we went for a long walk , most days we would go to the canal which ran along behind our house . At first just with Mum as Dad was still having a problem walking . I had to stay on the lead all the time , because I was young and silly . They didn 't want me to get hurt or lost , at this time I didn 't know how dangerous things could be , particularly cars they can be very dangerous indeed . I still forget this sometimes which I why I always stay on the lead on the roads and in the towns . They are always taking photos of me ! I heard the words training and education quite a bit , I heard Mum and Dad talking about it , and then I heard Ceaser Milan talking about training . The Dog Whisperer is my favourite programme , and I also like animal hospital , but that 's another story . My training went very well ; we continued to go out every morning for our long walks , and once I had chased a few pine cones and searched for some sticks in the forest and generally had a good run around , I was put back on my lead to do some training . I was learning how to walk on the lead without pulling Mum or Dad over , and also learning to stop and sit at the roads to make sure I didn 't get run over . I had to learn sit and stay when I was told , and also to come back when I was called . I manage to do this most of the time , but sometimes even now I still don 't get it quite right , and I get a bit of a ticking off . Once I had learnt these things , and proved that I would come back when called for , this was when things started to get better , as then they started to let me off the lead for longer times . Its great fun to run and play and chase sticks , and the freedom of running along the canal paths , through the forest and through parks is wonderful . I do need a good run every day its helps to keep me healthy and lets me get rid of all my extra energy that I have . Now that Dads leg is better we all go out for a walk together , I like it better that way , and Mum and Dad throw pine cones and sticks for me , they laugh when I fall over trying to catch them , and I feel really good once I have had my run and got all that spare energy out of my system . When I have had enough I hide the pine cones so they can 't throw them anymore , then we all plod home tired and happy . We all enjoy the walks , and we go out even in the pouring rain , ( although I don 't think mum and dad really want to get wet ) . I can remember one summer , when Auntie Sarah and Uncle Mike came for a holiday , so I had two more people to make a fuss of me , I was still only little , I was only a few months old . I was on my way back from my walk , and we were coming through the garden . I can remember very clearly running across the grass to greet Auntie Sarah , when suddenly the ground gave way beneath my feet and I felt myself going down and down in the darkness . I was very scared , and I could not breath properly , it all happened so quickly , I got a real fright , then suddenly there were hands grabbing me and dragging and I could breathe the fresh air again and I was back onto the grass . I went back to have a good look at what had happened , it turned out that there was a large pond in the back garden , I didn 't know what one of these was until then , but I certainly do now . I had been so busy trying to see Auntie Sarah that I didn 't look where I was going and I tried to walk across the water . Well , no one can do that can they ? Anyway that was my first attempt at swimming and I reckon I managed pretty well . Sadly no one had a camera to catch the action , but never mind . So we go out every morning , about the same time . Sometimes to the canal and sometimes we go somewhere else for a change , but we are always out for a good long walk . Dad loves to go to different places , he says he likes adventures and I am all for that . Sometimes the walks are very long and it seems these times were when we used to ' get lost ' , I didn 't understand at first what getting lost meant , but it was good for me as I always got a longer walk . I am not sure if Mum always agreed as they often looked rather worn out when they got home . One of my favourite places is the canal and I soon learnt how to swim properly . And I learnt how to find the best places to dive in ; making sure that the bank was short enough so that I could get out again . I did make mistakes once or twice and had to be dragged out as the bank was too steep for me to climb , I must look pretty sorry for myself when this happens , being dragged by the scruff of the neck out of the water , very embarrassing . There used to be a cat at our house , she was quite old and she very obviously didn 't like me . She was bigger than me at first , and she was always trying to scratch me . I tried to make friends with her but she didn 't want to know , so in the end I gave up and just stayed away from her . Mind to this day I don 't really like cats , I think they are just a nuisance , but that 's my opinion , apparently some dogs get on really well with cats . Perhaps I will meet a cat that likes me and then I will have a cat friend as well . I like to watch them creep into the garden , then I chase them like mad , I never manage to catch them though . I always get a ticking off for this from Mum or Dad , it seems it is not good to chase other animals . My very first visit to the seaside was when I was probably only about a year old . We had to go in the car , and it took us quite a while to get there as the beach was a long way . When I saw the beach for the first time I just thought , " WOW " , there was so much space . It was great fun to I could run along the beach , and race in and out of the water . I was a little worried about how much water there was , I had only ever swum in the canal . In the canal you are never far from the land on the beach the water seems to go on forever . One thing I did find was that this water tasted different , it was rather strange , not as nice as the water in the pond or in my drinking bowl . This water leaves a funny taste in my mouth . I found out afterwards that this was because the sea is made from salt water . We had a lovely day , the weather was nice and warm , and the sea was cool . And after we had played on the beach for a while with the ball , we all walked right the way along to the other end , it was a long way you could hardly see what was at the other end . We stopped near a pier where some boats where moored . The water wasn 't too deep here and the pier was sheltering this part of the water , so it wasn 't moving so fast and I was able to have a proper swim . Dad was throwing sticks into the water for me to chase , and soon I had could dive in and out of the water and swim about without any trouble . It didn 't take me long to became really confident . I felt especially good as there were several people watching me and laughing . They must have thought I was pretty clever . As we were walking she noticed something in the distance , and started to talk about what it might be . She thought it may have some gold coins in it lost from an ancient galleon . Dad said it may be from the famous ship the Titanic and had been washed ashore after years of storms at sea . I hoped it would be full of my favourite food , Frolic . As we got closer we were still wondering what it could be , I got there first and thought it looked pretty good , but I didn 't think there was any Frolic in it . Dad laughed when he saw what it was , it was a rusty old oil can which must have been in the sea for a long time . Oh well , never mind said Mam , we will just have to look again next time . We were soon back to the car , the sun was getting low in the sky and we were all feeling pretty tired but it had been a really good day . I went to sleep in the car , and I was looking forward so much to my dinner . I was so hungry when I got home that I really enjoyed my bowl of Frolic . One day when I was sitting at home resting , a large truck arrived on the front driveway . I had never seen this truck so I thought I would bark a bit to warn Mam and Dad . I was watching carefully from the window , and a man got out of the truck and walked to the front door . I was there before him barking to warn him that I was there , and don 't come to close please . Dad was right behind me so I was quite safe ( we look after each other ) . Dad spoke to the man and then shook the man 's hand and the man returned to the truck , I heard him tell Mam it was John the tree surgeon . I didn 't know what a tree surgeon was , but they all seemed very happy . The man , John opened the passenger side of the truck and out jumped a large black dog that looked just like me . I couldn 't believe it ; this dog was just like me , with long hair all over and the same sort of hairstyle on his face . Well once I had a sniff at him and he sniffed me we knew we were brothers , it was lovely to see him . I remembered him straight away and he remembered me . We ran around in the garden and chased each other all over the house . It was a lovely afternoon . It turns out his name is Buster and he lives with the people where I was born , all the other pups moved to different places , but Buster stayed there and he now goes out every day with John and helps out with the tree work . Just before Christmas in 2008 , Mam and Dad started packing up the car with boxes and cases and all sorts of other things . I thought they where having another clear out of the rubbish they collect . I thought they may be off to the rubbish tip ( or decheterie as they call it here in France ) . I knew I wasn 't going with them as they had completely filled the back of the car where I normally travel . Next day we set off early for our walk in the forest behind the house , Dad said it was going to be a quick walk as we had a long day ahead of us . And it was a long day . We set off in the car about 10 o ' clock and drove for many miles . We stopped at a large service station where they had coffee and I had a walk and sniff around . We did this every few hours as Dad and Mam didn 't want me getting to stiff sitting in the car all day . Next day we set off after a nice breakfast and we were headed for the Channel Tunnel . We arrived at the pet passport office and Mam and me went inside to see the officer . I was terrified when I hear the Officer say my passport wasn 't in order . I was so frightened about what was to happen next . Well the Officer gave Mam a piece of paper and we set of to the local vet , I thought I was going to have to have another injection . I had already had one the day before from my lovely vet Heink in our village . Seems though that everything was ok , the vet in Calais just filled in some papers and stamped the passport for me , I think she charged some money for this but I am not sure . Mam and Dad wern 't too happy about it , but I was relieved as it meant I could travel to England . We got back to the Channel Tunnel , but we had missed the train so we went for a walk while we waited . About and hour later we all got back into the car and started heading to the train . This was exciting , and from my new seat in the car I could see everything that was going on . We drove onto the train behind another car , and stopped . Well half an hour later we where in England it was pretty cool . We had a great time in England , we spent lots of days on the beach and I met lots of English dogs there . We stayed with Nan who made us all feel very happy . We visited all our relations and friends and had a lovely Christmas when lots of people came for dinner , this was great as I got treats off everyone . For some time we had been having a lot of people coming to the house . I always knew someone was on the way because Mam would have the vacuum on all over the house . Dad would cut the grass and clean up the garage . People who I had never met would arrive and spend a lot of time looking about the house and asking questions . It turns out that Mum and Dad had decided the house was too big and the gardens where too much for them to look after . There was also a separate house which people would come and spend their holidays in ; I liked this as it was someone else to play with . However Mum and Dad said they wanted to spend more time travelling and enjoying themselves , getting out and about instead of cutting the grass and cleaning the cottage out every weekend . It was soon clear that someone had decided to buy the house and we were going to be moving somewhere else . I wasn 't worried about this , as long as they didn 't forget to pack my Frolic , my toys and of course my bed . Everything , and I mean everything had to go into boxes , there where boxes everywhere . This went on for about a month , sometimes we only managed a short walk in the morning as there was so much to do , but I normally got another walk later in the day Eventually the day came ; I woke up to hear a large truck backing down the drive to the front door . I can 't help it , but when I hear something out of the ordinary I bark and bark , which normally gives Dad a real fright , and then he gets a bit annoyed . Anyway the driver , whose name was Geoff , came in and they all sat down for coffee . Humans always have to have a cup of something before they get started . Next everything was loaded in the van , this took some time , Dad and Geoff and another man did all this while Mum cleaned and tidied the house . Soon the whole house was empty , it was really odd and I didn 't know what was going to happen next . I soon found out , and we all piled into the car and followed the van . We arrived about an hour later at a small white house . It was much smaller than the last house but it still had a good size garden which I was quite pleased about . November has been very quiet compared to the months of summer . We had lots of visitors again this year , all people I know , apart from one little person who I don 't think I had ever seen before , his name is Morgan and I will tell you a little more about him later as he was so little and I didn 't get to play with him very much . I wasn 't even allowed to go too close to him , and I got a real telling off if I tried to lick his face . Summer in Brittany is always very nice we have long sunny days , not too hot and very pleasant . Our back garden gets the sun all day long , but we have lots of trees out there so there is plenty of shade to lie in . This year we spent quite a bit of time sailing on the canals near to us . Dad has a nice little cabin cruiser boat which we sail the canals on , ( well he had a boat he has sold it now ) . I like sailing ; its lovely just lying on the back of the boat and watching the water go past . You see lots of lovely sites on the canals in Brittany , the wild life is lovely , all sorts of birds including Kingfishers , animals along the banks of the canal , and lots of lovely towns , houses and châteaux . It 's all very relaxing . We have sailed mainly on the Nantes - Brest Canal , which is a very famous canal . Despite is fame it is very quiet , even in the summer months there aren 't many other boats about . When Dad gets the boat underway I settle myself in my favourite spot and let the breeze ruffle through my fur and this keeps me nice and cool . We kept the boat at a port called Guipry Messac , it 's a nice little port , very friendly , I have a few dog friends there , and two of them are Boxers who live on a very big boat for the whole of the summer . When we aren 't sailing it 's usually because we have people staying with us . This is the time we all like the best . This year Aunty Sarah and Uncle Mike and their boys Lee and Connor came to stay for a while . This was good fun , as Connor is a very small person and usually has sweets or biscuits and if I follow him round I often manage to get the bits he drops . I also like the walks when Lee and Connor are there as they are good fun , they run about and play and throw pine cones and stick for me to chase , I like this . Uncle Nick and Aunty Kellie also came for a holiday with their children , Bethany and Morgan . Bethany was nice to me but I wasn 't allowed too close to Morgan , he was only 8 months old and very small . I liked to look of his dinners , they did look yummy and I know I could have very easily washed the bits of his face for him , but it wasn 't to be , I had to keep clear of him . My Nan came for a few days , I like Nan , she is nearly 90 years old , she gives me lots of tickles and I like to sit close to her . She came this year with Aunty Enid and we all went up to Normandy for a weekend . This was one of the most traumatic times I had ever had . Nan was going to take part in some celebrations for the end of the Second World War in France . Her husband ( who would have been my Granddad ) was a tank driver during the war . He landed on the beaches of Normandy and headed north to Holland , he was a real hero from what I have heard , sadly he died some years ago , I would have liked to have met him , he sounds really nice . Anyway back to the weekend , we stayed at this little house and attended the ceremony to remember the people who suffered and died during the war . It was a lovely sunny morning and the flags were flying outside the town hall , or I should say Hotel de Ville as we are in France . There were lots of people about , and I got quite a few pats and strokes as we took up our places to watch the service . I could just envisage myself as a regimental dog , what a real honour that would be . The vicar gave a lovely speech , and there was some singing and clapping from the people attending . As the service ended , there was this terrible banging ; I did not like this at all and just had to get away . I took off taking poor Dad with me . He told me not to worry but I couldn 't help it , it was so loud . I learnt afterwards that this was from the brass band . Well I am sure it is nice for humans , but not for me I really don 't like it . There were a lot of celebrations going on , but unfortunately there was too much noise for me , I was very uncomfortable so Mam and Dad took me to the beach and we walked along the shores where Granddad would have landed with his Tank all those years before . We had a lovely time , but it looks like I will never be brave enough to be the Regimental Mascot . Aunty Enid came again this summer with Uncle Paul ; we had some good times out and about . It 's very nice having people stay with us , I get lots of attention . Next where my favourite visitors , Aunty Jen and Uncle Dick with Sam and Poppy . Sam is a pretty laid back Golden Retriever , he is getting on a bit in years and isn 't really much fun , he doesn 't play with me . But Poppy is a beautiful slinky Golden Retriever , she is a little bit older than me , and I just love her . We have a great time running round the garden , and rolling around on the decking . We sometimes get carried away and end up running in and out of the house sending the mats flying all over . It 's great fun till someone shouts at us to stop . We go for long walks every day and Poppy and I love to run along the beach or the canal paths . I try very hard to get Poppy to come into the water , but I think she is a little bit too posh to jump into what is sometimes muddy looking water . She must think I am a bit rough , but I am sure she loves me just the same . I get very sad when they leave to go home , but Mam says we will see them again soon as we are going to be going to England again soon . Well they were the last of our visitors this year . It is November and now it is starting to turn a little colder here and it has rained a lot recently . Dad and Mam have been pruning the trees and clearing up the leaves in the garden . We all get very wet on our walks now , even without me going in the water . And talking of walks I think it is time I started to pester Dad as they have had their breakfast and it is time to go , I wander where we will go today , I hope it is the canal . |
Last night , I was craving something , and I couldn 't figure out what it was . I hate when that happens ! I talked to Hubs , one thing led to another , and in the end , I decided to try and invent my own recipe for a sort of chocolate truffle tart or even pie . I looked up on the food network website how to make ganache and chocolate truffles . They are basically made the same way . While looking for those recipes , I found a recipe from Paula Deen for a chocolate truffle pie . Sounds like just what I want ! So I will try it soon . The whole thing started because I bought a chocolate cream pie for Hubs for Thanksgiving dinner . I love the whipped cream topping , but am not fond of the pudding part . I want something denser , and that 's where the truffle part came in . I don 't remember what my original idea for my post was ! I know I had one when I woke up this morning , but for the life of me I can 't remember what it was . Last night , Hub mentioned that I seemed a bit restless . He said he thought it was from Farmville withdrawal . I disagree ! Facebook withdrawal , maybe , but not farmville withdrawal ! It 's probably internet or laptop withdrawal . He said I didn 't need to stop completely , he was just concerned that I wasn 't doing anything else . Hopefully today , I can get a shot of Hubs ' newly finished tattoo . I may have mentioned it before , but I am jealous ! I am the only member of the family who doesn 't have Cookie 's artwork on my skin ! I 'm hoping that I get a gift certificate for Christmas . I have two ideas on what I want for my next tattoo . The first is an old drawing of Winnie the Pooh , sitting sideways with his face in a " HUNNY " jar . I have always loved that picture . I like the old , original drawings of Pooh and friends , not the newer " Disney - fied " ones . The second is the symbol from the TV show " Charmed " . I know what it is , but can 't spell it or say it . Triskele , or something like that . And I want it in colors , not just black . Like purple on the outside , fading to reddish in the middle . And I don 't want a tattoo that 's big , either . JPosted by This morning , I got up and made the coffee . Shortly after it was ready , Hubs got up as well . Today we travel to Kingston to get his tattoo finished . He wants to leave early , as he wants to go to Walmart first . We need a new DVD player for the living room . We start out . We get to the corner , where he remembers he needs to bring cash to pay for his tattoo . So , we turn around and he goes back in the house and gets some cash . We start out again . This time we get about half way to Kingston before I remember that I forgot the camera ! That 's right , a blog post about the tattoo , and no photos ! Not really a problem , I can take a photo of is completed tattoo when we get home . This time , it took 3 1 / 2 hours to finish his tattoo . I knitted through most of it , since I forgot the camera . It was all the same as last time , Cookie inking , Hubs grimacing , loud really eclectic music blaring . Seriously , the music they play at Pop 's Tattoo Emporium is definitely a strange mix . You got some really heavy rock , some rap , some 50 's rockabilly , and some other genre 's in there that I can 't even identify . It makes for interesting listening . When we finally get home , i get out my laptop , and fire it up . I remember I want to take a photo of his tattoo , so I grab the camera from near the front door , where I put it so I wouldn 't forget it , and head into the bedroom . He won 't let me take a photo ! " You can get it later ! " he says . I point out that I will be writing my blog now , not later . Oh well , so all my readers won 't to see the finished tattoo until next time . Sorry ! Yesterday , before he went to work , Hubs and I had one of our rare arguments . I don 't want to call it a fight , but it was more than a mere argument . He thinks I spend entirely too much time on the laptop he bought me for Mothers Day . In fact , he even said he wishes he never bought the thing . So after he left for work , I closed up the laptop , and put it away . I put away the tray table that has been sitting next to the couch for 7 months . I put away some of my knitting stuff too . I put away my body butters and hand lotions . In my defense , I use them every day , why should I have to get up , go get them , bring them to the couch , use them , then go put them back ? That just seems like a big waste of energy . So I kept them near me , like my medicine and the box of tissues . Today , we had our Thanksgiving dinner , just the two of us . He wasn 't angry at me any more . He went hunting this morning , and didn 't see anything . I made a nice turkey breast , and all the fixin 's . Now , after dinner , he 's getting really sleepy . He 's been up for more than 24 hours , since he worked all night last night , and stayed up all day today . I figured it was safe enough for me to get out my laptop and at least post on my blog , to let you all know what 's going on . For a while , my internet life may be impacted . I may not be able to blog as often as I have been . My twitter and facebook friends may miss me . My Farmville friends surely will ! Hopefully things can get back to normal at some point . So if I don 't hear from you , or you don 't hear from me , have a Merry Christmas ! Posted by See , I told you ! I said right here in this blog that the sweater I was going to make for my granddaughter was going to kick my ass . And it is ! It started right at the beginning . This pattern is different , I may have mentioned , than any other I 've used . It took me quite a while to get the measurement of the back piece right . Which means doing a few rows , and if it 's not right , frogging it and starting over . So I finally got it right . I finished the back piece , no problem . Then it took me , literally , over an hour to get the right number of chain stitches for the first front piece . I did finally get it , and finished that piece too . The second front was easier , since I knew how many stitches it would take . I just had to figure out if the chain was loose or tight . Turns out it was tight . So the two fronts are exactly the same . I 'm getting there ! When I start the sleeve , I notice that it 's only an 8 inch circumference . The arm holes in the other pieces added up to over 12 inches . So what did I do wrong ? I text messaged my friend , and she suggested I email the designer , so I did . It just seemed improbable that the sleeve would stretch that much . I know , I tried to stretch it , it wouldn 't go that big . Laying in bed this morning , I started thinking about it . I couldn 't get back to sleep because I was thinking . I decided that the three pieces I had finished were too long , from the armpit up to the shoulder . If I take off about 2 inches from the top of each shoulder , the sleeves will fit . So when I got up , that 's what I did . Then I read the response from the designer . She said that the sleeves will stretch to fit the armhole . Maybe they would if I had used the recommended yarn for the project . But the yarn I am using is a worsted weight cotton , not a sock yarn . So I think I 'm going to stick with my original decision , since my granddaughter is on the tiny side , and I thought the sweater looked too long from the shoulder anyway . Here are the photos I took yesterday , before I frogged the 2 inches . Don 't you agree it looks too long in the shoulder / neckline area ? So now I think I 'm on the right track , and I 'm back to work on the first sleeve . In my next update , I will include new photos taken after the " adjustments " . All in all , I do recommend this sweater pattern . It 's the Autumn Cardigan by Lisa van Klaveren , of www . hollanddesigns . etsy . com . It does crochet up quickly . I can 't wait to see it all finished , with the cute buttons and everything . When I was a kid , I don 't remember how old I was , my parents , my brother , and myself set out to my aunt and uncle 's house for Thanksgiving dinner . They had a big house , and with five kids , it was always loud and busy and fun . Their house wasn 't too far away , maybe just over an hour in the car . We finally arrive at their house . When you 're a kid , all car trips seem to take forever ! The house seems very quiet . We walk up to the front door , and knock . No one comes to the door . But it 's unlocked , so in we go . There is no one home ! There 's no turkey in the oven , no side dishes cooking on the stove , no kids playing , nothing . So there are my parents , realizing that auntie and uncle have forgotten they were coming , and they 've gone off to someone else 's house for dinner . Since mom was planning on dinner here , there 's no dinner fixin 's at home . So mom and dad decide to see what 's in the cupboards to feed their hungry children . I believe they found some hot dogs and beans . So that 's what we had for our Thanksgiving dinner that year . It was most memorable ! The other story , oddly enough , finds my parents , myself and my young daughter heading to the same aunt and uncle 's house for yet another Thanksgiving dinner ! By this time , Sara and I were living in Hyde Park , and mom and dad stopped to pick us up on the way . That day , it was raining , and it was cold . We left my apartment , and the roads were just starting to get icy . The further north we drove , the worse the road conditions got . After a little while , dad decided to turn around , not wanting to risk our lives . So , we headed back to my apartment , disappointed once again . But at least it was the weather that ruined Thanksgiving this time . They stopped at a convenience store and got me some frozen fried chicken to have for dinner . It was the closest thing to turkey that they had in the store . I know that I am not the only one with these kinds of stories . Feel free to share some of your own with me ! Posted by I had wanted to spend the day all by myself . It didn 't end up that way . My good friend Bonny usually travels to Indiana with her whole family , to spend the holiday with other members of her Hubs ' very large family . They go every year , and I believe they are gone 4 or 5 days . Well , this year , Bonny and her daughter Samantha didn 't get to go , they both have to work on Black Friday . Poor Bonny is not used to being alone ! After I tucked my Hubs in for the day , and after I drank my coffee , I packed up my crocheting project and headed over to Bonny 's house . We sat , and crocheted , and watched the Thanksgiving Day Parade , then the Dog Show . It was a good time , and kept me from brooding . When I got home from Bonny 's , my Hubs was already awake ! So I made him coffee , and we hung out until he went to work . As he was leaving , I mentioned that I was expected at my other good friend , Kim 's house ! He urged me to go , so I did . We got to hang out and watch some kids shows . Then she cooked for the three of us ! She makes a mean frozen pizza , let me tell you ! She and her mom , and her daughter the Cherub will be having their big turkey dinner tomorrow . So I didn 't get to have my turkey pot pie tonight . I will probably have it for lunch tomorrow . I also have to remember to take our turkey out of the freezer tomorrow , so it will be thawed to cook on Sunday . It was good to spend the day with people I care about . The fact that I got so much work done on my granddaughter 's sweater was a bonus ! I finished the back , but had trouble getting the right number of stitches for the first front . After about an hour , It finally worked out . So I can work hard at that now . Hopefully , I won 't have that much trouble starting the second front ! I also have to go through my stash more thoroughly , I don 't think I have enough of the yarn out . I need to find more . The back took nearly a whole skein , and I only have two more skeins out . All in all , it was a good day , Tater . Well , here we are . Tomorrow is Thanksgiving . This year I have lots to be thankful for , just like every other year . But this year is different . This year I am not attending a big , multi - generational Thanksgiving dinner . My immediate family will all be in different places , and I am OK with that . My beloved daughter will be with her Hubby 's family , and hopefully she will take her Grandmother too . My oldest son will be snug in his home with his lovely wife and their two little ones . My youngest son is spending this holiday with his girlfriend at her family 's giant multi - generational dinner . As for Hubs and myself , he has to work , so during the day he will be sleeping , and after he goes to work , I shall go visit a girlfriend for a while . We have decided to have our Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday , after his work week is over . That 's when we will cook our turkey , mashed potatoes , stuffing , cranberry sauce , sweet potatoes , etc . The pressure of the big family dinner will be off , it 'll be just Hubs and myself . However , for dinner tomorrow night , I did purchase a nice turkey pot pie to eat , with a single serving peach pie for dessert . I can 't help thinking of my mother - in - law . Last year at this time , we had our last Thanksgiving dinner together . I made a nice ham with all the fixin 's . And those who didn 't come to dinner , came afterwards for dessert . We didn 't want to overwhelm her with company . Eight days later , she passed . I am still sad , I miss her a lot . So this year , I need to take the day off , and withdraw from people . Maybe next year , I can get back into the swing of things . I think it 's going to be a rough holiday season , maybe rougher than last years . Just after I posted the last post , I realized that I hadn 't told you about my decision to change the yarn I used for the sweater ! I started the swatch , as I described earlier , and after doing just two rows , I realized I could not possibly do an entire sweater in this thin thin yarn with the super tiny tiny hook . So I rethought it . I really didn 't want to spend more money ( read - my Hubs ' money ) on yarn . I decided to look through my acrylic stash and if there was enough of any one yarn , I would use that . Hopefully it would be in a color that was acceptable , which was purple , pink or blue . Lucky me , I found that I had more than enough of Lion Brand Cotton Ease , in purple ! I remember I had bought it to make a top for myself , and it 's still a UFO . ( Un Finished Object ) This yarn is plenty soft enough for a child 's sweater , and it 's machine washable and dryable . Huzzah , I think we have a winner ! I also reckoned I would have to use a larger hook , since the F hook was way too tiny for me . I upgraded to the G size hook . It shouldn 't matter that much to the pattern since it doesn 't say " make a chain of X number of stitches " , but rather , " make a chain of X number of inches " , so no matter what size hook I use , or yarn weight I use , it should work , right ? Just say " Yes , Kim , it should work . " Because I won 't listen if you say no anyway . I can and will make this work . So now , I think you are all up to date . I don 't think I 've left anything else out . If I find that I have , I will just have to post again ! As soon as I posted on Twitter that the sweater was going well , I knew there would be repercussions . And I was right . There I was , happily crocheting along , when I decided to measure the width of the sweater back I was working on . It is supposed to be 12 inches wide . I was pretty sure I was close . As it turns out , it was over 13 inches wide ! I cursed a little , then thought about taking the extra width into account when I seamed the pieces together . Nope , that would make the seams way too thick . That leaves frogging . I frogged the entire 6 inches I had crocheted so far , all the way back to the starting chain . Then I had trouble counting that , so I ended up pulling that out too . I re - did the starting chain , making it four chains shorter , to account for that extra inch . I did the first row , and measured it . Now the fracking thing was only 10 inches ! ! Again , I frogged , and went back to the original stitch count . Again , I did the first row , and measured . Now it was 11 inches ! The same number of stitches was a whole inch shorter . I hoped it would stretch out a little as I progressed . Two rows later , I measured again . Now it was almost exactly 12 inches . How does that make any kind of sense ? The first time , I measured the starting chain , and it was 12 inches . I didn 't take into account the improbable fact that when you crochet into the starting chain it seems to stretch it a bit . Either way , it seems to be OK now . I took a couple of photos before I measured the first time . Here is how the sweater back looked then : It 's one sc , then one dc , repeated across the row , and the next row , you sc in the dc 's and dc in the sc 's . It makes for a very interesting fabric with no right side or wrong side . I can 't wait to get more pieces done ! As I told you in the Collections post , I went into the den and looked around . It turns out I had forgotten a collection . It 's not my fault , it 's not really my collection . When my mom sold her house and moved into an apartment , she tried to downsize her belongings . I , therefore , inheirited her antique salt dish collection . In the old days , everyone at the dinner table had their own little dish of salt . People now collect these little dishes . They come in all colors , and they are pretty . One of these days , I will photograph them individually , so I can post them and you can see them . And for those of you wondering , I have a set of wooden tray tables that my mom painted on . I am currently using the checkerboard one for my laptop , and I use it for the background when I photograph some of my work . I think I will switch out the tray table , the other ones are really lovely . That 's all for now . Wish me luck , and let 's all hope I don 't piss off the Yarn Goddess again by bragging . I really should know better . Friday evening , as I was eating my dinner , my temporary crown came out . No biggie , I cleaned it off and put it back in , per the dentists instructions . He had also told me to call right away , so it can be cemented back in place . Being Friday night , I had to wait until today . So first thing this morning , I called the dentists office , and they told me to come in at 1 : 30 . I had time to spend with Bonny , and go yarn shopping , yay ! Off we go to Michaels craft store , where I 'm pretty sure I will find just the acrylic sock yarn I need for Granddaughters adorable sweater . I did finally settle on some Lion Brand Sock Ease , in purple . I already have some in my stash , so I didn 't need to buy 3 , just 2 . Afterwards , I go back to Bonny 's with her and we set to making a necklace with the stuff she bought . She wanted a Christmasy necklace to wear to work on Black Friday . When I left her house , I still had an hour until I was to go to the dentist . I got home in time to spend a little time with Hubs before he went off hunting , and I helped him pull out parts the parts of the pool cover that had fallen into the pool . Happens every year . After he left , I was hungry , so I made myself a sandwich . Just when I finished eating it , I looked at the clock and it was just past 2 pm . Schreech ! I jumped up , put my boots back on , and ran out to the Jeep . Thank goodness the dentists office is pretty close to my house . They were still able to fit me in . I told them I lost track of the time ( true ) , was having lunch ( also true ) with friends ( not true ) when I remembered about my appointment . So I only had to wait a few minutes , got my temporary crown cemented back in place , and headed home . I got back here at 2 : 35 . It 's gotta be one of the fastest dentist visits on record . Since I wasn 't too happy about the not - softness of the yarn for Chloe 's sweater , I decided to crochet up a swatch and throw it in the washer and dryer to see how it softens up . There I was crocheting this thin thin yarn with a tiny tiny hook . I was not happy . I have decided to rethinI had made beef barley soup for diner last night . A whole big pot . I was planning on eating the rest for dinner tonight . Hubs informed me that there wasn 't enough for dinner for the three of us . So I will make Venison chili . I have all the fixin 's in the pantry . That 's always good , and The Son will eat it too . I just hope The Girlfriend will eat it . Some people freak when they hear " Venison " , and won 't eat it . I guess we will just have to see . . . . . The other day , I was looking at knitting patterns on one of those free pattern sites . I was specifically looking at felted items . I have made a few felted bags in my time , so I was looking to see if there was anything new . I saw some bag patterns I liked , but I am not a fan of double pointed needles , especially to start a project with . Nothing but disaster for me . So I thought about it , and thought about it some more . I think I have some up with an idea . I decided to crochet a circle for the bottom of the bag , then pick up and knit around the circle for the rest of it ! I have some black and grey Patons wool that I bought last winter to make slippers , but never did . I started with the black , and made a crocheted circle . I didn 't measure it , but it 's at least 13 or 14 inches across . I used a K size ( 6 . 5 mm ) hook , and plan to use a size 10 1 / 2 ( 6 . 5 mm ) circular needle , 32 inches long . When it was big enough for me , I slipped the last loop on the hook onto the needle , and then went around the circle picking up stitches . When I got them all , I started knitting ! I am doing this all off the cuff , so who knows how it will turn out ? I plan on knitting the bag at least 18 inches long . I will probably put a big fat grey stripe in it at some point . I am not sure yet how I will handle the handle ( pun intended ) . Maybe I will bind off all but 8 stitches or so , then do an I - cord to attach at the other side ? I can 't wait to see it once it 's all felted . This is the first time I 've used my own idea . I like that it 's combined crochet and knitting . The crochet bottom will be sturdier than the knit body , since crochet makes a heavier fabric . We will have to see how it comes out . I will take pictures , before felting and after , and post them in the future . Yesterday morning , our little Stitch n Bitch group met for breakfast , knitting and crocheting . After all had our food had been eaten , we got down to business . I was working on a rectangle shawl , as the striped one is getting too big for KIP . Jan , very bravely I think , brought the very beginning of a new lace shawl she had just started . I think she only had the cast on done . I saw the pattern for this , and it looks REALLY intense and very lacy . I would never bring a brand new complicated project to group , especially if it has , like , over 300 stitches to start with ! But she is an expert knitter , and nothing phases her . Our resident full time crocheter , Bonny , was working on an amigurumi style triceratops dinosaur for her grandson for Christmas . It was very cute ! Our fearless leader , the other Kim , stopped by to re - stock her yarn in the cafe . She is AtKnitsEndYarns , she has an Etsy shop , and also sells her yarn at Cranberry 's . She had texted me early in the morning to let me know she wouldn 't be able to make the get - together , since her daughter was sick . She stayed until her take out order was ready . All in all , we had some lively conversation , good food , and fun crafting ! Hopefully , next time more of our members can make it . A few , we haven 't seen in months . One member at least let me know she couldn 't make it , she was going to New York City with her grandson . We hope they had a great time ! As for me , I stay away from the City . But that 's my personal preference . Until next time , Happy Crafting ! ! Posted by I admit it , I am a collector . Thank goodness my Hubs doesn 't mind too much . Aside from the yarn stashes in two houses , I collect books . I have always been an avid reader since I was a child . My parents encouraged us to read , since they were both teachers and knew how important it was . I have a room in my house that is full of book cases ( it 's a small room ) . And all the book cases are full , if not over full . Mostly with books , but also with some of my other collections . On one shelf , I have my gavels . I got them on EBay . I have no idea what attracted me to them , but I have more than a few . I have two favorite ones , one is made of lucite , so it 's clear , and the other is made from ebony . It 's a beautiful black wood . I have one that is hand painted with flowers and was used by a woman judge . On another shelf are my hedgehogs . I love hedgehogs ! I have stuffed ones , a puppet , and more than a few little statuettes . They are so cute , I actually wanted one as a pet for a long time . But they require much work , and I am more of a laid back pet owner . Too much work for me , so no pet hedgehog . Then there are my beanie babies . I have a huge number of them , but only the bears are displayed . I love all the beanie baby bears ! I also have a small collection of realistic looking stuffed rabbits . I love them , they are so soft . They are so realistic , my Hubs once took one and used it for bait when he and his friends were hunting coyotes ! My rabbit was returned unharmed . He only told me about it afterwards . But I have to say that my favorite and biggest collection is my sand collection . Yes , SAND . When my friends travel , I ask them to bring me back some sand from wherever they are vacationing . I have sand from all over the world ! I keep it in small clear jars , each one labeled as to where it 's from . I have a pretty good sized collection of tarot cards , as well . But they aren 't displayed on a shelf , they are in a dresser drawer . Don 't ask me why , that 's just where they ended up . There are all kinds of designs of tarot cards , different I think that 's all of my collections . If I go in the den and look and see a collection I missed , I will have to do another post about it . I do feel it 's necessary to state that all the displayed collections are in front of at least one row of books . In the case of paperbacks , they are stacked two books high , and sometimes two books deep . Most of my books on the shelves are two books deep . I think it 's time for more shelving units , but Hubs isn 't buying it . He votes for getting rid of some books . GASP ! ! Not gonna happen . Last night , I started making a hat for my son . Now , I know I said that I would need to finish a few things before I start something new , but I felt it calling to me . You know that feeling , right ? Well , today , I finished it . I 'm getting pretty good at this really simple hat pattern from Elizabeth Zimmermann . This is the 5th one I 've made ? Let 's see , 2 pink ones , for practice , the cranberry colored one to match my sweater , the brown one to match my other sweater , the black one I just made for Hubs , and now this grey one . The other evening , I decided to break down and order the pattern download from Annie 's Attic , for the adorable little sweater for my granddaughter . I don 't have the yarn in my stash for it , so this means a trip to the yarn store . I haven 't gone yet , surprise , suprise . This little sweater is going to kick my ass , I just know it . It 's crocheted , and made with sock yarn . It also uses a size F crochet hook . I hate using anything smaller than a J . In fact , my favorite hook is the N . It 's been a while since I crocheted , but the last time I did , I made 4 afghans in about 3 weeks . I haven 't mailed them to Texas yet , either ! As soon as I find enough loose change to pay for the postage , I will mail it . Those suckers are heavy ! I still plan to put them in the Space Bag Cube , and suck the air out to make the package small enough to fit into a box . I am currently working on the striped shawl , getting down to the end very soon . I 'm thinking maybe a few rows of garter stitch to finish it off . In fact , after my confession of all the WIP I have , I forgot one ! I still haven 't finished the cranberry sweater ! And every time I look in one of my various bags that are scattered around the house , I find at least one more unfinished project . One of the yarns I have some across recently is the Sugar n Creme , the nice cotton that I used to make shopping bags with . It turns out I don 't like those shopping bags , and rarely use them . I prefer the cloth ones . So I have all this yarn , and I 'm thinking I need to borrow a friends pPosted by In 1969 , the summer I turned 13 , my parents bought their first house . Up until that time , we had lived in rented houses . I never knew the difference . We had been living on a small lake , and I loved it . I learned to swim when I was little , and my brother loved to catch fish there . In the Winter , we had the whole lake to ice skate on . We lived in a community that surrounded the lake , and I never thought it strange that many of the houses were only occupied in the Summer . People from the metro New York City area bought these summer homes on our little lake . It was within easy commuting distance , I guess . We had direct lake access , as well as private beach access . There were three beaches on the lake , and the one we used was for residents only . You got a pass every year . Many of our neighbors had row boats , or canoes . I can remember borrowing our next door neighbors canoe and paddling all over the lake . I can remember going to swimming lessons at the beach , in the Summer , very early in the morning . One morning , because it was cold , mom made us corn on the cob to eat as we walked to the beach , to keep us warm . The house we lived in had a huge yard , that sloped down a gentle hill right to the lake . There was a cement dock there , great for diving , jumping , and fishing off of . My parents actually rented the bottom floor of this house , the owners lived upstairs at street level . We walked down a flight of stairs to get to our apartment . But we were on the same level as the yard ! It was a great little community to grow up in . There were always neighbors who watched out for you , and you knew you had to go home before it got dark . If your mom had to call your friends house to have you sent home , you were in trouble . All these memories , and many more , came flooding back to me today . As I was putting some stuff away in the hall closet , I found my rock . Remember the first sentence ? Well , in 1969 , when we moved to Wappingers Falls , that first day I rode my bike around the development . I found that rock on that trip around the cirPosted by Today I actually feel better , so I am able to knit . Here are photos of what I am currently working on ! This first one is the hat I made for Hubs , I finished it the other night ! The styrofoam head is much smaller than Hubs ' head . Next is the ribbed scarf : And finally , the fourth shawl . This is the one I have stopped working on , I may continue later , after frogging out the new section . I 'm considering continuing the original section for the whole thing , and changing colors as I go . We 'll see . And that wraps up my WIP projects . I have plans for a few more projects rolling around in my head , but I know I have to finish some of these current projects first . What are the ideas , you ask ? I want to make a scarf for Julie , possibly a hat for Jesse , and gifts for my grandbabies . A sweater for Chloe , and something for Mason , I just haven 't decided exactly what yet . It was early Summer of 1988 , and I had a roommate . The one I wrote about in an earlier post . I was so broke , I needed her to help pay the rent . Anyway , I was friends with a girl named Sheila . She invited me to a party at her house ; it was a kind of birthday party for her husband Paul , and everyone else who was born in the summer . It sounded like fun , so I went , and took my 11 year old daughter with me . We did almost everything together . We had a really good time at this party ! There was a band , and everything . Lots of great food , and they had a pool , and a hot tub . There were lots of people there . Sara didn 't even mind that there weren 't many kids there . During the course of the afternoon , I had been noticing this really good looking young man . He seemed to be wherever I was . When I went in the hot tub , in my very revealing bathing suit , it wasn 't long until I saw that he was nearby . When Sara and I went inside to get some food , there he was , shortly after us . When we sat to listen to the band , darned if I didn 't spot him nearby . As it got dark , I needed to get my daughter home , so we left the party . A few days later , I got a call from Sheila . She told me that a guy at the party , named Mike , wanted to meet me , so we set up a double date . We were going to go out to a comedy show and dinner with Paul and Sheila , and see how it went . That week dragged ! Finally , it was Saturday . Mike came to my apartment to pick me up . He was really cute ! He had dark curly hair , and big blue eyes . And he wasn 't skinny ! He had been a football player in high school , and still had the build . Yum . We went to the comedy club , and went to dinner . I don 't even remember what we ate that night . But in a parking lot just down from the restaurant , was one of those traveling carnivals . After dinner , we said goodnight to Paul and Sheila , and Mike and I went to the carnival . We walked through the whole thing once , then went back to the car . He was so thoughtful , he actually had a bottle of Champagne chilling in the trunk of the car ! He brought it out and opened it . Unfortunately , he had forgotten glasses . So we drank it out of the bottle . We spent hours there , sitting on the hood of the car , in that parking lot , just talking . It was the most amazing first date I had ever had . At one point we realized that the carnival had shut down for the night . We hadn 't even noticed . I knew that this man was someone very special . I think I finally got home around 3 or 4 a . m . The next day , he came to my door , with a dozen roses . We spent the next 4 months together every day . He even slept at my apartment most of the time , much to my roommates chagrin . Then my brothers wedding rolled around . He agreed to take me , though it made him nervous . He got to meet my tiny Italian Grandmother , and all the rest of my family . We danced , and had a good time . That was September . By that time , we had developed a routine . We would go to his house , where he lived with his mom and step dad , every Sunday , and he would cook me dinner . Then I would lay down and take a nap , since I had to work that night . It worked for us . All that changed once October rolled around . As you may have guessed by now , in October he asked me to marry him . Of course , I said yes . I couldn 't imagine my life without him . Even my daughter , at 11 , knew he was making me very happy . So we pulled out all the stops and got married two months later , one week before Christmas eve . It was a very simple wedding , as weddings go . All that mattered was that I was marrying a man that I loved and respected . And he loved me too . I never thought I would have this kind of love . With one failed marriage behind me , I wasn 't looking for another relationship . It totally caught me by surprise . I know it did him too . He had been in a long term relationship that had ended badly . We both fought this tooth and nail . But in the end , love won , and we became Husband and Wife . To this day I go around asking people how long they knew each other before they got married . For us , it was 6 months . And what a great 6 months it was ! We are still happy together , and will celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary this December . Sometimes you need to wait for the right person . I truly believe that there is a soul mate for every person . I found mine . Here it is , the time of day when I usually post . Today I have nothing . Yesterday , I woke up and knew that I would tell you all the story of my two stashes . Most days , I know pretty early what I will write about . Not today . Nothing exciting , or out of the ordinary , happened to me today , in fact it 's been a pretty boring day . I knitted a little , a few rows , on my simple shawl . I haven 't been feeling too good these last few days , but still managed to come up with something to write about . Some days , I have so much to tell you that I post twice ! Does this mean I 'm running out of stories ? Nope , I 'm not . There just isn 't a story that 's ready and waiting to be told . My mind is all over the place today . I have thought about sharing a story about my hairdresser . It 's pretty funny , but I 'm not feeling it . There are more stories about my former friend and ex - roommate , but I 'm not feeling them either . So I will just sit here and watch The Muppet Christmas Carol . I 've got dinner in the oven , and will finish off Hubs ' pot of work coffee . Let 's all hope that something will come to me tomorrow . Once upon a time , there was a crafty woman who had a large yarn stash . It was totally unorganized , and spread over several rooms in her little house . She was quite happy with this arrangement , and her beloved husband didn 't complain , much . One day , the couple decided to refinance their mortgage . Who knew what a can of worms this would bring to their happy home ? They had refinanced once before , and the bank only wanted to view their house from the outside . This time , however , the evil Queen was running the show at the bank . And so it came to pass that the bank wanted to see inside their happy home . Panic ensued , and the husband told the crafty wife that her stash must go ! He told her to take it to her friends house , temporarily . So she put all her beloved yarns into big heavy bags , and packed up her Jeep with her stash . She made the long trek across the main road of their little town , to her friends house . This friend , Bonny , had generously agreed to house the stash in her craft room . Imagine ! Bonny has a whole room in her house dedicated to crafts ! So Bonny made room in the craft room for her friends beloved stash . The inspection came and went , and the stash stayed there . To this day , the stash is still there ! When the crafty woman re - organized the part of her stash that was still at home , she put all the current yarn into Ziploc Flexible Totes . She even bought extra ones for the part of the stash remaining at Bonny 's house . She and Bonny not only put the stash into the totes , they organized it by color ! Darks in one tote , and lights in the other tote . So the stash is still at Bonny 's house . The stash that remains at home has grown . There are now three of those totes , full of yarn , as well as more bags and boxes that never got sorted or organized . Someone needs to explain to the crafty woman how yarn can multiply all on its own . When the happy couple moved to Fishkill for the winter , last year , of course some of the home stash went too . And in Fishkill it multiplied too ! Of course , there was a LYS ( local yarn stoPosted by This is an old picture , progress has been made since this was taken . I really needed a break from lace . That stupid lace pattern really messed with me . My friend tells me to watch out for pattern errata , and I have checked for corrections on the Knit Picks web site . There are none listed . She says she will fix it for me , but I am about ready to give up on it . Maybe ask someone to do it for me ? In the meantime , I will soothe myself with the simple stockinette stitch , increases every right side row . Aaahhh , that feels better already . The stress is leaving my body . Perhaps I am not really ready for something more complex , as my knitter friends keep telling me . Anyway , time to catch up on my knitting . Catch you on the flip side ! Let me start by saying that I have been up since 4 : 15 this morning . The mighty hunter 's alarm went off , and he hit the snooze button . When the alarm went off a second time , he rolled over and told me he was going to sleep in this morning . That 's all well and good , but I was unable to go back to sleep . I gave up trying at 5 : 30 . I got up , came out to the living room , and turned on the TV , and the coffee maker . I had set it up last night for the mighty hunter . The time passed slowly until it was time to go to breakfast with my friend Kim . We had a great time together , as always , and she asked me to go with her to a LYS ( local yarn store ) . This is where the temptation part comes in . This place had lots and lots of yummylicious yarn . It was very depressing for me , as I have no income , and can 't spend any money on yarny goodness . However , I was able to watch Kim as she picked out all kinds of luscious yarns . She will be using them for holiday gift knitting . At least I got to fondle and sniff the yarns . I have always said , I can resist anything but temptation . And chocolate . And now that it 's late in the afternoon , I am really tired . I recently shoved the mighty hunter out the door for an afternoon hunt . So maybe I can take a nap . What do you think ? Posted by Yesterday , I went with Hubs to his tattoo appointment . He had been given a gift certificate for his birthday , by our daughter and her husband . He had been looking for months for just the right image . He knew he wanted a grim reaper , holding a bow , and sitting on a throne of skulls . My Hubs is an avid bow hunter . When we got there , to Pop 's Tattoo in Kingston , Cookie had drawn up an awesome picture . Cookie is a friend and band - mate of our son in law . He is also a fantastic tattoo artist ! He got right to work , and had done the outline in just a couple of hours . I should mention that this tattoo is kind of big , takes up the whole upper arm on Hubs . Then Cookie started the filling in . That is where the artistry really shows ! While there , I took some photos . Here 's one of the shop . And here 's the progress so far . Hubs had to make another appointment to have it finished . Isn 't it amazing , how the robe is all drapey ? I love it ! As I sat there , watching , I realized I am really jealous , as I am now the only person in my family that doesn 't have Cookies ink in my skin ! My son in law came with the ink , my son has two of Cookies tattoos , even my daughter has a tattoo now ! And now Hubs . I need another tattoo , done by Cookie ! Until then I will not be happy . Maybe for Christmas ? I hope so ! Yesterday , as I was searching for the missing gift certificate , I came across some WIPs that I had forgotten about ! The scarf , I talked about yesterday . Here 's a photo of that one ! It 's so soft ! And today , I was getting out my swift to wind another ball of the Coco Malibrigo , and behind it was another bag . Being always curious , and ready to discover more treasures , I pulled out the bag and opened it . Inside was another WIP , a shawl I had started last winter , while we were in Fishkill . It 's pretty big , so I have added it to my to - do list . Here is a photo of the shawl , so far ! It 's made with Patons Lace yarn , And it 's so light and lovely ! And finally , I have a photo here of the progress on my bornday shawl . I have encountered a problem , so I have to wait until tomorrow evening , when I see my knitting expert , to sort it out . The problem lies between the two stitch markers on the furthest right of the photo . Between all the other markers , there are 17 stitches , between those two , there are 18 . I have looked it over carefully , and think I can see where the problem is , but I can 't figure out exactly WHAT the problem is ! I can 't really explain it , but after doing the wrong side purl row , and looking at the right side , there are no two stitches alike that are next to each other , which would indicate a missed stitch somewhere . And since this is the set up row for a new stitch pattern , I can 't look at it and see what doesn 't line up . Does that make any sense ? Anyway , I have to go make coffee for hubs now . We are going to Kingston today , for the outline of his new tattoo . I will be taking the found shawl with me to work on . Until tomorrow ! For the last few days , Hubs and I have been searching our house for a lost gift certificate . He 's going to use it tomorrow , so the pressure was on . I told him to leave me alone , and let me think . I need to get into the frame of mind I was in at the time we last laid eyes on it . We were still in Fishkill , packing things up to come home . Where would I put an important item such as this ? In a flash of genius , I realized ! The gift certificate is in my yarn stash ! I remember putting all sorts of important things in there , to keep them safe . What 's really unfortunate about all this , is that I was the one who had possession of said gift certificate ! Usually , I make Hubs take care of his own stuff . I believe I have now learned my lesson . So I searched through my three giant soft bins of yarn . I was able to immediately dismiss the first two , since they were on top . It was the bottom one I was interested in . I opened the zipper , and there , before my eyes , was four skeins of beautiful Malabrigo I had forgotten about ! How does that happen ? Who forgets they have Malabrigo ? I also re - discovered a partially done scarf , in 2 X 2 ribbing , also of Malabrigo , a beautiful chocolate brown . In fact , the colorway is Coco ! I pulled that WIP out of the stash bin , as well as another skein to finish the scarf . Since my current shawl project is stalled , and in limbo , I can work on the scarf ! ( I have one too many stitches in between two stitch markers , all the others have 17 , this one has 18 ! ) It was heavenly , to run my hands through all that softness of yarn ! What unimaginable treasures I found in that bin ! Oh , yeah , I almost forgot , I also found the gift certificate ! If you leave me a comment to remind me , someday I would like to tell you about my yarn stash that stretches to two , yes TWO , houses ! It was actually three when we lived in Fishkill , but now it 's back to two . How that happened is a story too ! Yes , today I am making Stroke for dinner . For those of you who haven 't heard of it , let me explain . My mother - in - law , used to make this tomato based chicken soup for my Hubs all his life . It was just the two of them for many years . When we were dating , she made it , and I ate it . It was very good , but no sooner had I eaten it then my fingers started to swell up ! There were unimaginable quantities of sodium in there ! I remarked to my not - yet - Hubs that someone could have a stroke from eating this stuff ! And that 's what we 've called it ever since ! I got her recipe for it , but I don 't put any salt in it . In fact , I usually joke that she started the soup with a salt - lick in a pot of water . Over the years , I have modified the recipe . It originally started out with pieces of chicken , complete with bones and skin , being boiled in water . Then you removed the chicken and had to wait for hours while it cooled down . After it cooled , it was shredded . It was lots of work . Today , I start with a combination of chicken stock , in cartons from the store , and water . I purchase raw chicken " fingers " and cut them into tiny pieces . When the stock / water is heating up , I add all the herbs and spices , like pepper , onion powder , garlic powder , oregano , and basil . You could add whatever you want . Then in goes two cans of tomato paste . Stir the soup until the tomato paste is mostly dissolved . Once the soup base is hot , put in the chicken pieces . They need to cook for a while , and the longer the soup cooks , the better . In another pot , cook some pasta . The original recipe calls for Rigatoni , but I prefer the much smaller Ditalini . When the pasta is done , drain it and put it in a big bowl , spoon some soup broth over it to keep it from sticking . Each person then serves as much pasta as they want into their bowl , then adds the tomato / chicken soup . After dinner , if there 's any pasta left over , you can dump it into the soup pot . This is my Hubs ' favorite meal , and after he had surgery on his stomach , he craved it badly . I made some for him , using tiny pastina , so he could digest it easily . Today , he is out hunting , and by the time he gets home , it will be ready . He will be chilled through , and the soup will warm him up . And that 's what love is , right ? Cooking yor spouses favorite childhood meal for him , but better than mom made ! As you may remember , Hubs and I lived in Fishkill over the winter last year . Of course , we took all our favorite things with us . We were there longer than Hubs wanted to be , but we did what was necessary . When we were able to come home this past May , I ended up putting all my belongings into cloth shopping bags , and packing them into the Jeep and truck for the trip home . In the excitement of our homecoming , I think I just put bags anywhere I could find room . It turns out that one of my bags got misplaced . Almost immediately , I couldn 't find my jewelry . For the last 6 months , I have been searching for my jewelry . I keep going to the same bags , over and over again , thinking it will suddenly appear there . And yes , some of my bags are still unpacked ! Could someone please explain to me how , when I removed lots of my belongings , there is no room anywhere to put my stuff back ? Did the remaining things get jealous while I was gone ? They must have gotten bigger , or had children or something . There was no room for the things I took by the time I got them home ! That is beside the point , but an interesting phenomenon all the same . Perhaps it should be studied by a think tank or something . Anyway , last night , while I was looking in one of Hubs ' bags , I moved it , and under it , was the bag with all my missing things in it ! My favorite diamond earrings ! All my pendants , rings , and earrings ! I was ecstatic ! In the bag was my favorite body butters that had also been missing . It was a bloody miracle ! All this time , I hadn 't given up hope . I knew they had to be here somewhere ! Different thoughts kept running through my head . Maybe Hubs had thrown them away , no realizing what was in the bag ? Maybe the bag is still in the truck , or Jeep ? I have actually searched them both , more than once , hoping against hope that the missing bag would appear . I hadn 't even told Hubs that my jewelry was missing . I didn 't want to cause him more stress than he already has . So now I am really happy , and my favorite earrings are back where they belong , in my ears ! Hubs bought them for me when we were in Portland , Oregon a few years ago . He was sent there for work , for training . He had been to Austin , Texas , the year before , and we discovered that we didn 't like being separated for that long . So this time , I went with him . We had a blast in Oregon . I would love to spend more time there . Maybe someday . . . So today , all is right with the world ! Now , I better get moving . There 's laundry and dishes to do before I can have my knitting time . Posted by For the first time , I 've had to frog a WIP . I knew in my heart that it needed to be done , I knew that there was nothing to be done to fix it . This is my first lace shawl , my first knitted lace ever . One good thing is that I wasn 't terrible far along , and another was that I was resigned to the frogging . I was only maybe 15 rows into it , and it starts small , in the center of the top , and gets bigger from there . I hadn 't yet gotten to any color changes yet . That would have been worthy of tears ! So I frogged , and wound the yarn back onto the ball , and took a deep breath , and started again . This time , I got it ! I am remembering the YO , K1 , YO before the last three stitches at the border . I have even remarked to Hubs that now that I have this section down , wouldn 't the whole shawl look cool done in this stitch ? He told me that NO , I wasn 't going to cheat , I was going to follow the whole entire pattern . He can be such a killjoy . The rest of the pattern involves all these charts , and I am not a chart reader . I even hate crochet charts ! Never use them ! If it isn 't written in words , I don 't want to do it . This shawl pattern is written in words , too , but the words say to follow the chart ! AARRGGHH . Guess I 'm gonna have to learn to do charts . It 's a really good thing I have very good friends who are expert knitters ! I have their encouragement and support for this , I would never have wanted to do this shawl on my own . Now for the new photo ! This I just took a little while ago , and shows my actual , up to the minute progress . This kind of makes me giggle , the stitch markers look like googly eyes , and makes the whole thing kind of look like a pink monster ! It looked more like a monster when it was a bit smaller . But I giggle anyway . It doesn 't take much to amuse me . Just getting the stitches in the right order can make me giggle too . Posted by Today I went to the dentist . This may sound mundane , but for most of my life I have purposely avoided that profession . I remember going to one was a child , and have no memory of any horrendous happenings in his office ; but nevertheless I somehow developed an unreasonable fear of dentists . This fear was so pervasive that even when I had severe toothaches , I took painkillers and waited for the pain to go away . As a result , I needed some extensive work done . Hubs has been after me for years to get my teeth taken care of . I finally caved over the summer . The fact that I had a pretty intense abscess in a molar led to my first visit . That in turn led to a root canal in said molar , which in turn led to the promise of fixing all teeth that needed fixing . And now we come to today 's visit . Let me state up front that I am a gagger . I * hate * having things in my mouth . Having my teeth X - rayed is torture . So this experience has * not * been a good time . This dentist I am currently seeing has very few people skills . He doesn 't talk to the patient much . But today , while I was practically upside down , and TOTALLY without warning , he said " Open " , and when I did , he stuck a huge tray full of purple goo in my mouth . I gagged , and actually vomited a little in my throat . ( sorry ) They promptly sat me up straight , but my teeth were chattering , and I was shaking , so he didn 't get a very good impression of my teeth . So he shoved another tray of purple goo in my mouth . That one wasn 't any good either , so he decided to do each side separately . Finally the torturer was satisfied with his results . Now I have two temporary crowns in my mouth , complete with metal posts . Yee - ha . I don 't have to go back until next month , but I have to be careful what I eat , because they could come out . All in all , I was very , very glad that I had the forethought to take a Xanax before I left the house today . And now for an updated craft report ! I have apparently made an error in the bornday shawl , so I have stopped working on it until I can have my expert assess whether it needs to be completely frogged and started over . In the meantime , I have started a hat for my beloved Hubs . Here is the photo of the shawl , as far as I have gotten : Notice I have changed to the KnitGlassGuy stitch markers ! They are so much better for this project . And here 's a photo of Hubs ' hat . It is black , and wool . I convinced him that wool will be warm to wear when he 's hunting . I 'm excited that I can work on the hat tomorrow at Stitch n Bitch . And I 've prepared myself for the worst , in regards to the shawl . I am ready to frog it and start over , but with my expert 's guidance from the start . And breakfast at Cranberry 's is really a good time , so it 's a win win situation ! Look for a Stitch n Bitch report in tomorrows post ! Today , or perhaps I should say yesterday , I decided to wind the yarn for my bornday shawl kit . I had started girding my loins to try knitting it . After reading through the pattern directions , however , I became totally intimidated again . Thank the wool Goddess for my friend Kim , who finally convinced me that , with her help , I can do it . I started it yesterday afternoon . I promptly needed help , as I had not followed the directions correctly . I took my WIP , hat in hand , to my good knitting buddy , who soon set it all right . Whew ! I need to take a more recent photo , but I do have one from before Kim fixed it . The white marker is where I had missed a yarn over . Now , it 's bigger , but not much . Knitting lace is hard , mostly because of the small needles . I do prefer to work on larger needles . And Those markers for the center stitch ? They turned out to be hard to work with , so I 've switched to the beautiful markers made by KnitGlassGuy that I got for my bornday . I also made a really nice hat from the yarn left over from the sweater , to wear when I wear the sweater ! Here 's a photo of that , before it was completed . On another topic entirely , I remembered something I learned a while ago . Do you know the purpose of eyelashes ? Neither did I ! But after I lost most of mine , I figured out at least one use for them . I discovered that when you have eyelashes , and you tear up , the lashes wick them away , so they can run down your cheek . This happened to me , I started crying , and in the eye without lashes , the tears just kind of hung out there , and made my vision blurry . The side that had lashes , the tears were running down my cheek ! It was one of those TA - DA moments . And since most people have all their lashes , it 's not something they ever think about . My eyelashes have grown back since then , but sometimes you learn stuff in the oddest way ! Another night that I am having trouble sleeping . I don 't get it . I thought I was fine , went to bed at 10 : 30 or so , and the next thing I know , it 's 3 a . m . and I 'm wide awake . After an hour , I decided to get out of bed , and here I am writing my blog . I am not sure if I should go back to bed , I have a dentist appointment this morning . Ah , the heck with it , I 'm gonna try and get some more sleep . Hubs will be getting up in an hour to go to class for work again today . Until next time ! I didn 't get a chance to write today , and since it 's after midnight , technically it 's now tomorrow . I was in bed with Hubs , he had to go to bed early since he was to work in the morning . I fell asleep early , and when I woke up a while ago , I came out to the living room to take care of my farmville farms . When I went back in to bed , I couldn 't get back to sleep ! So , here I am , catching up on my blog . My day yesterday started out badly . I got out of bed , set up the coffee maker , and turned it on . I went in to the living room to wait , and play on my laptop . After a while , I was ready to have some coffee , so I got up to get myself some . Imagine my chagrin when I discover that the coffee wasn 't ready , had not even brewed . The water was still in the reservoir , and the pot was not full of hot delicious chocolate coffee goodness . In earnest , I turned the pot off , then on again a few times . Still nothing . I even unplugged it and plugged it back in again a couple of times , just to be sure . I ended up having to go to a store , and buy a new coffee maker , before I could have my first cup of coffee . How badly does that suck ? I think I may have growled at a few people in the store while making my way to the check out , with the box tucked under my arm . I try really hard to never have to go out in public without having first having had at least one cup of coffee . Last Saturday , I was faced with a similar situation . It was the day that the big , bad , October storm was coming . That morning , I got out of bed , and got dressed right away . My Darling Hubs had asked me to get him some more cigars whilst he slept , so he wouldn 't have to stop on the way to work , in the storm , to get some . I did this for him , without benefit of coffee , because I wanted to get it done as soon as possible , and before it began to snow . I made it . I am a good wife . So here I am , sitting here because I can 't get back to sleep . I turned on the TV and The Mummy is on . That movie was on before I went in to bed ! And it was on when I woke up to use the facilities ! It 's like Christmas , when they show that movie with Ralphie and the BB Gun for 24 hours straight . I think it 's A Christmas Story . Yesterday , I remembered that I had some Lion Brand Amazing yarn hanging around , and thought it would make a cool looking hat . So I cast on the stitches , and started the 2 X 2 ribbing . It didn 't work ! I tore it out , and tried again . The second time , I twisted it . After the thPosted by |
" When God laughs at the soul and the soul laughs back at God , the persons of the Trinity are begotten . When the Father laughs at the Son and the Son laughs back at the Father , that laughter gives pleasure , that pleasure gives joy , that joy gives love , and that love is the Holy Spirit . " - Meister Eckhart " Confess your faults one to another , and pray one for another , that ye may be healed . The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much . " - James 5 : 16 " Prayer makes a godly man , and puts within him " the mind of Christ , " the mind of humility , of self - surrender , of service , of pity , and of prayer . If we really pray , we will become more like God , or else we will quit praying . " - E . M . Bounds SOUL - WINNING MOTIVATOR " Bills , bills , and more bills , " she sighed as she tossed them one by one on the counter top in the kitchen after glancing at the front of each envelope . She reached over to stir the stew . I drew in a deep breath as I took in the tantalizing smell of the biscuits baking in the oven . Nothing like hot vegetable stew and buttered biscuits on a chilly November evening . I stood next to my mother as she took a second glance at the last envelope she almost tossed on the counter . She eagerly tore the envelope open . I could see her eyes darting from left to right over the words on the paper . Her eyes brightened as a smile crossed her lips . I smiled because she smiled . It must contain some good news , I thought . I stood on my toes and peered over to read the letter . Katherine Wilson , my mother , was a single mother of just one child - me , Keon Graham . I often wondered why we had different last names . Nana told me I was named after my father even though I never knew him . I asked my mother more than once who my father was . " I don 't want to talk about him and you shouldn 't either . " She said those words so vehemently , I wondered what my father had done for her to respond that way . But she would never give me an answer . All she would say after that was that I was an accident . " How can I be an accident ? " I asked Nana . " You 're not an accident , " Nana said as she hugged me . " You were placed in our lives to bring cheer to our spirits and to teach us to be thankful for each day that we have you . Too bad your mother does not see you that way . It 's easy to get bitter at the words people throw at us especially when it comes from those we love . " I appreciate Nana because she has never tried to hide anything from me . I found out from Nana that my father left my mother after he found out she was pregnant with me . They never planned on having me , and neither of them were prepared to take care of me . In fact , they were not married when I was conceived . By the way , Nana is my mother 's mother , my grandmother . And she is a real grandmother . Loving and kind hearted . " Your mother has carried on without your father as best she could . She spent almost two years tracking him down , trying to get him to man - up and do the responsible thing and take care of you . The last we heard was that he had married someone else . As you can imagine she was crushed . She hurts even to this day , " Nana said . " It 's not easy being a single mother , " Nana said . " She has a lot on her providing for you , trying to keep a decent job . On top of that , she has a lot of hurt deep within her heart and a lot of regrets . Just be patient with her . " I watched my mother as she made the phone call to Nana . I was happy that she was happy . Some nights I would wake up to hear her crying quietly . We lived in a one bedroom apartment so we shared the bedroom although I had my own bed . Sometimes she wore a sad expression on her face but would put on a smile when she faced me . Even though she was smiling , her eyes were sad and did not have that sparkle to them . Today , however , there was a brightness in her eyes as she spoke with Nana . Mother worked as a computer programmer for Microsoft . It took her a while to get that job . She put in application after application all over New York City and was willing to relocate . But it seemed no one wanted to hire her . " She did . She started working at a department store as a cashier . She then moved up as floor manager . She worked there for seven years . Then frustration set in and she became depressed for almost a year . That was when you came to live with me for a while . Anyway , she landed a job with McKenon and Parker . They were two gentlemen who left Microsoft and started their own company . They came across her application and asked her to join them . " " That 's something I 've tried to instill within your mother ever since she 's been a child and that is that things don 't make you happy . Things put you on an emotional roller - coaster ride . Up and down . In and out . Things come and things go . Things get worn out . Don 't ever put your faith in things . " ] I was seven years old when Mom received the letter regarding her job promotion needing her to move to California . She had three months to prepare for that move . Mom had the option of either flying or driving . Either way , McKenon & Parker would take care of her travel expenses . She set me on her lap , which was a rare thing for her to do . As I thought about it , I was probably five years old when I last sat on her lap . " You 're getting too big to be sitting on my lap , " she said one day as she set me beside her on the couch after I asked her to read a book with me . That was the last day I remember sitting on her lap . I don 't know why I remember that incident so vividly . Maybe it 's because I wanted her to hold me close to her so I could cuddle up to her which I loved to do . We sat in front her computer - the desktop which she allowed me to use . She said I was an expert in the use of the computer . Maybe I acquired that skill from her . Many times while sitting next to her around the table coloring or drawing , I would watch her fingers move swiftly over the keyboard . " I hope I can operate the computer as quickly as you do , " I told her more than once . " Don 't you worry . You will . I 'll teach you all that I know . " And she did . Almost every evening she showed me something new on the computer . She let me search around as I expanded my mind , learning new things . I read just about everything I ran across on the Internet . Mom would help me with the big words . She said when I was much younger she would hold me on her lap while she typed on the keyboard . " You were always fascinated with the brightness of the screen . And you would always try to catch my fingers as I moved across the keyboard . That was when I knew you would be a computer whiz , " she told me . As I sat on her lap , I cuddled up to her for a few seconds and deeply inhaled her familiar smell . She then let me operate the computer , guiding me as to which buttons to click . We took turns reading . I found out that California was at the end of America right next to the Pacific Ocean . We read about the Gold Rush . I learned that California has warm weather all year round . " Yeah ! California , here I come , " I said . I threw my arms around Mom 's neck and squeezed her . " I love you , Mom , " I said . She did not answer me immediately . For a few seconds , she had a strange look on her face . Her eyes darted away from mine . When she looked back at me , the sparkle in her eyes had dimmed . Her smile was not as wide as before . I pulled my arms from around her neck thinking I had hugged her too tightly . She hugged me , but it was not quite as tight as mine . How could I remember the slight changes in her facial expression , the dimness in her eyes , or her loose hug ? It seemed insignificant back then . Maybe because I was excited about going to California . " Oh , " I said . A sudden sadness crept upon me . I was going to miss Nana . She was my best friend and still is . She talked to me as though I was just as old as she was . I didn 't understand everything she said to me about life , but as she told me , " You 'll understand it by and by . Just think upon my words and pray for wisdom each day . And another thing is , be thankful for every day that you see . Find something to be thankful for in each day . " " Yes , Nana . I will , " I had said . I didn 't do it every day . But that day , I thanked God for Mom and for us going to California . " Okay . " I went to PBS . org and clicked on Word Girl . It 's about this super hero girl who solves mysteries and introduces you to different words . I 'm a word person so I am always reading a book or playing some kind of word game . After about twenty minutes , Mom was still talking to Nana over the phone . I was getting hungry so I closed the computer down and quietly walked out of the bedroom and headed for the kitchen . I was not trying to eavesdrop on their conversation , but I stopped in the hallway after overhearing Mom say these words : " No , Nana . I have not told him yet . I know I need to tell him soon , but I just can 't bring myself to do so . . . That 's what I fear . . . It 's going to break his heart when I tell him I cannot take him with me - not yet anyway . " Mom spun around with a surprised look on her face . I didn 't know why she would look surprised . After all , it was just me and her in the house . I looked around cautiously before stepping from among the trees exiting the grassy pathway behind Hill Chapel Church - the pathway that I had created for myself so that I could get on and off the church property without being seen . I hugged my laptop , the only thing that reminded me of my mom and that gave me hope of seeing her again even though it 's been almost five years since I last saw her . I hurried towards the building which stood about three yards from the pathway . Trees ran the full length of the back of the building and extended beyond the left side to the church 's parking lot which extended to the front of the church . There were probably enough parking spaces for about three hundred and fifty cars . How do I know ? I had set about the task of counting them one day when I ran out of things to do . But I stopped counting when the custodian stopped me and asked what I was doing in the parking lot when I should be in school . Even though it was late in the evening , I could hear the lawn mower in the distance . I did not need to look , but I took a glance anyway to my right . I could barely make out the custodian riding the lawn mower over the grass . Someday , maybe I would muster up the courage and ask him to give me a ride on the lawn mower . I carefully raised the window next to the back door and climbed into the basement of the church . I locked the latch on the window once I got in . Walking softly but quickly across the floor I stopped at the water fountain to get a drink . I was thirsty after not drinking anything all day . Folding chairs stood off to one side of the basement . Two long tables were on the other side . Moving quietly along , I crept up the stairs and cautiously made my way to ' my room , ' the ' clothes room . ' Once inside I shut the door and made my way to my corner . My corner was set alongside the back wall farthest from the door . I call that room the ' clothes room ' as it was almost full of clothes of all make and sizes hanging from racks . Some were still in boxes . Others were neatly folded on shelves that lined one of the walls . It was from this that I was able to have a change of clothing as often as I felt the need to . I unrolled my sleeping bag . The flashlight that I had borrowed from the custodian 's closet rolled out . My trusted friend , I thought as I picked it up . You 've kept my company many nights . I unfolded the thick quilt and blanket that I had found while rummaging in the boxes when I had first taken up residence in the church . I made a neat pallet on the carpeted floor . I sat down and opened up my laptop . It would serve as my light as I dared not turn the ceiling light on lest someone , mainly the custodian , came to investigate . I did not want to give him or anyone a reason to come into my room . Even though my stomach rumbled from hunger , I would have to wait until it got darker and I was sure everyone had left before I could get something to eat . That was normally around six . You can always find refuge in the church . Those were Nana 's words to me when she fell ill and was preparing me for her death . But that 's another event in my life that I will share with you after I get something to eat . I don 't like to talk much with an empty stomach . Anyway , I did find refuge in the church - the Hill Chapel Church . You might be wondering why was I sneaking through the basement window of the Hill Chapel Church and hiding in it 's ' clothes room . ' As I just told you , I 'll tell you my story after I get something to eat , that is , if you have the patience to hang around . Using the light from my computer screen , I read some pages from one of the books I borrowed from the church 's library . The clock on my computer eventually registered 6 : 35 PM . Good . Now I can go get me something to eat . I listened for any footsteps or other noises as I got up from my pallet . With flashlight in hand and my little box , I made my way to the kitchen where I helped myself to whatever was there . This evening I got a can of corn , a few slices of bread , three hot dogs , sweet pickle wedges , two cans of orange soda , a box of pop tarts , and a box of cereal . I also helped myself to a couple of oranges . As I was feeling more comfortable in my new dwelling , I warmed up the hotdogs on the stove . After placing the food in my little box , I headed back to my room . Two hotdogs , half a can of corn and a couple pickle wedges followed by a pop tart and a can of soda filled me up fast . I left the third hotdog and the rest of the food for my late night snack . I stashed the rest of the food in a medium sized box that I had emptied of the clothes that were in it . I thought about Nana as I got ready to eat . My eyes filled with tears . I wish I was sitting around the table with her in her kitchen taking in the tantalizing smell of cookies baking in her oven or biting into a piece of her fried chicken and listening to her share words of wisdom with me . Some of her words came to me just as clearly as if she was sitting next to me - words she said to me almost every time we got ready to eat . " I want you to find something to thank God for everyday . And thank people whenever they do something for you no matter how small you may think it is . And thank God for your mother as well . " " Dear God , thank You for keeping me safe . Thank You for this food . And thank You for my room . I thank you also for my mom . Please keep her safe . " " Let 's make this quick , " Mike Anderson said to his wife , Ginny . " I don 't know why you waited until the last minute to drop the boxes off . " He parked their station wagon as close as he could to the side door leading into Hill Chapel Church . " I didn 't know Ann 's performance was going to take this long . I wish you could have come . You would have been proud of her , " Ginny said . " I told Francine I would drop off these clothes and food for tomorrow 's Wednesday night dinner . I have to do it today because tomorrow is Ann 's class trip and I volunteered as one of the chaperones . We 'll be gone all day so I won 't have time to do it tomorrow . " " Oh , yeah ! I had forgotten all about that , " Mike said as they climbed out of the station wagon . He opened the trunk of the car and took out the boxes while his wife held the door open for him . Ginny locked the church door . Mike and Ginny were in their early thirties and were members of the Hill Chapel Church . Mike worked for Nationwide and Ginny had a home sewing business . Not only were they both active members at Hill Chapel , Ginny also helped out as a volunteer at various school activities and was a member of the PTA Club at the junior high and high school where their sixteen - year - old daughter , Ann , was a student . " These two boxes go to the kitchen . And this one I 'll set by the secretary 's door . And the rest go to the Charity Room , " Ginny said . Mike came to where his wife was standing and looked to where she was pointing . He looked back at his wife in surprise then turned his attention back to the small boy asleep on a pallet with a sleeping bag pulled up to his neck . A laptop lay open on his legs . Mike picked up the laptop and looked at the screen . It had a children 's game on it . He handed it to his wife . " Your guess is as good as mine , " Mike said . " There 's only one way to find out . " He stooped down and started to shake the sleeping boy . " Hey , wake up , buddy . " " Maybe I should start at the beginning , " the gentleman said . " Hi . My name is Mike . Mike Anderson . What 's your name ? " Mike Anderson extended his hand , but I only pulled my sleeping bag tighter around me . You don 't have to be mean , but don 't trust a stranger . Those were some of Nana 's words from one of our talks . Right now , I did not trust Mike even if he had friendly brown eyes and warmth in his voice . My eyes met Ginny 's as she knelt down beside her husband . She had an inviting smile , bright eyes , and rosy cheeks . Not only did I like her immediately , but she looked familiar . My eyes darted back to Mike as I tried to figure out where I had seen Ginny before . I still kept my eyes on Mike as I tried to figure out how to get away from them . I could make a quick dash for the door . Or , I could just sit here and quietly wait it out . But then there 's no telling how long that would take , that is , if they would leave without me . I made my decision . " Please don 't hurt me . Leave me alone , " I cried out as I jumped off the bed and sprinted for the door . Mike grabbed my arm . I kicked at him , but he only held on tighter . I struggled for a bit longer but soon gave up as my strength was no match for Mike 's . Mike gradually loosened his hold on me after I settled down . I looked across at his wife hoping she would tell him to let me go . " Don 't be afraid , " Mike said . " I promise we won 't hurt you . We want to help you , but we can 't if you won 't let us . " He glanced around my living quarters . " This is a cozy room to get some sleep in . Don 't you think so , Ginny ? " " It sure is . Why don 't we spend the night camping out here so our new friend won 't be lonely ? I 'm sure we could find some extra blankets around here . What did you say your name was again ? " I didn 't answer her , but I remembered where I had seen her . I saw her singing in the church choir and I also remember stumbling in on her Sunday school class as I was trying to find the class with children my age . Well , at least she likes children , I thought . That set me at ease , but I still did not answer them . " How 's everything ? " Ginny asked Ann . " We 're still here at the church . Something came up . Maybe I should say someone came up . " Ginny looked at me with a smile . " I don 't know how long he 's going to delay us … No , it 's nothing serious . We just ran across a little boy who fell asleep in the church … He looks about ten years old … You don 't have to wait up for us . Remember you have a long day tomorrow . . . Yes , I 'll still make it tomorrow . Good night . Love you . " Ginny placed her cell phone back in her pocket . I 'd always wanted one of those . All three of us sat there in silence exchanging glances . Mike stretched out on his side on the floor propping his head up with his hand . " I don 't know about you , Ginny , but this floor is kind of hard . I 'd much rather be in my warm comfortable bed . How about you ? " he said . That would be fine with me . I liked Pastor Harris . He told lots of funny jokes when he preached . I 'd sat in on some of his preaching since I took up refuge at the church . I had even shaken his hand once . But I wasn 't sure how kindly he would take to me hiding away inside his church and helping myself to their food and books uninvited . " Hiding away and refusing to cooperate when questioned , not to mention stealing the church 's food " Ginny said . " Those are serious crimes for a twelve - year - old . Wouldn 't you say so ? " " Mmm . Maybe five years , " Ginny said shaking her head . " He would be seventeen years old when he comes out , if he ever comes out . What a waste of one 's life . All his teen years in jail when all he has to do is answer our questions . " " Where did you get that laptop ? I hope you didn 't steal it . That would increase your years in jail for sure , " Mike said still looking up at the ceiling . Ginny looked at me . This time her smile was not there . I looked back at her wide - eyed and too scared to cry - even though I felt like crying . Oh , Nana , I wish you were here . I pulled my knees up under my chin wondering what I should do . I did not have to wonder for too long . Thank God for every situation you are in be it good or bad , and learn what you can from it . I glanced around the room . Those words were so clear I thought Nana was in the room giving me one of her wisdom talks . I swallowed hard and blinked back the tears that were beginning to form in my eyes . I 'll show them . I will not cry , I thought . " No ! No ! Please don 't call the police , " I said . " Please . I 'll tell you my name . It 's Keon . Don 't call the police ! " I could not contain myself any longer . I let the tears fall . I 'd do anything to have Nana to hug me right then . But I had to settle for a comforting hand from Ginny . She patted my arm . Putting her cellphone back in her skirt pocket she asked , " If your mother is in California , who are you staying with here in New York ? " " Nana . She 's my grandmother , " I said . I did not mean to and I did not want to , but I started crying again . This time Ginny hugged me . I nodded . I placed the flashlight in my sleeping bag . I thought of leaving it as I rolled my sleeping bag up but I changed my mind as I might be needing it in the future . I pulled my cap out from under the edge of my pallet and placed it on my head . I then took it off and placed it on the pallet . I looked up sheepishly at Ginny . " It 's not mine . I took it out of one of the boxes , " I said . I folded up the quilt and blanket and placed them up against the wall . I then picked up my sleeping bag and my laptop and looked up first at Ginny then at Mike . I was ready to go . I looked at Ginny . She had that reassuring smile that everything would be okay . Plus , I did not want them to call the police . I lifted the flaps . They both peered in . We rode the fifteen minutes to their house in silence . I kept looking around to see if I recognized where I was and just in case I needed to secretly leave once we got to their place . I recognized the public library . I spent my early days there after I left my foster home until the librarian started asking me why I was not in school . I also recognized a pizzeria . I went in there once and the kind man gave me some bread sticks . Mike turned on to a dark road that I did not recognize . He then made another sharp turn and , as if out of nowhere , a well lit entrance to a series of houses stood before us . The sign read " Deer Crossing Community . " A wall about my height surrounded the community . Mike stopped at the gate and punched in the entrance code . The gate slid open and he drove through . It closed behind us . Wow ! I thought as I looked around . The houses were large . All was quiet as Mike pulled up into the driveway of a house that was a mansion . He parked in the two - car garage . There was another car parked in the garage . I assumed it belonged to Ginny . I waited anxiously in the back seat clinging to my only possession - my box - not knowing what laid ahead of me . I watched Mike as he got out of the car and unlocked the door leading into the house . Ginny got out as well . She opened the back door of the car . " Welcome to our home , Keon , " she said with a smile . I wanted to smile back but I couldn 't , at least not until I saw what awaited me on the inside . I scooted out of the car and with box in hand I followed Ginny inside . She led me through a short hallway that was lit up by a nightlight . We went up a short flight of steps and passed what seemed to be the living room . We then entered the kitchen . There was a light above the sink . I nodded as I glanced around the kitchen . There was a serenity about that kitchen , maybe because it reminded me of Nana 's kitchen . I had found much comfort in Nana 's kitchen . It was in her kitchen that she dried up many of my tears often with one of her comfort meals . It was in her kitchen that we had many of our wisdom talks . Ginny served me a glass of milk with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with thinly sliced apples in between the jelly and the peanut butter . She made it just the way I liked it : heavy on the peanut butter . I gobbled it up , not that I was super hungry , but because I had not had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for some months now . I didn 't realize how much I missed it . Ginny and Mike each had a glass of juice . " Ginny , you can handle it from here . I 'm going to get me some sleep , " Mike said , taking his glass of juice with him as he headed toward the door . " Keon , I 'll see you in a few hours . Good night . " After I finished eating , Ginny took me to what was to be my bedroom for the night . It was much bigger than my room at Nana 's house . The clock on the side table read 1 : 05 . I lay in the comfortable bed under the warm blanket wondering what would become of me when daylight appeared . " How are we going to work things out today with Keon ? Remember I have to chaperone all day on Ann 's class trip . It 's too late to cancel , and I don 't want to leave him with anyone . " " Yeah . And I have to work all day . We 'll think of something . Don 't forget to set the alarm , " Mike said rolling over and going back to sleep . " Have you figured out something yet ? " Mike asked Ginny upon awaking later that morning . " Yes . I 'm going to call Mrs . Evans at the school and explain the situation to her and see if he can come with us . I 'm sure he would love that , " Ginny said . On the way to the school , Ginny stopped by the department store and bought me a couple of outfits . She also picked up some books for me to read as we traveled . Ann allowed me to use her Kindle to help occupy myself . I enjoyed myself tremendously . We visited the Smithsonian Institute . We also visited a hotel . The friendly lady at the desk took us on a tour . We sat in one of the conference rooms as she shared with us how to run a hotel . I think I might own some hotels one day and call my chain of hotels Nana 's Place . Our last stop was at the Reagan National Airport where we went up into the control tower . The man in charge , Mr . Larkin , explained to us how from that small tower they controlled the arrival and departure of hundreds of planes coming and going from all over the world . I was fascinated as I listened to the information he shared with us . He took us to an empty plane parked in the hangar . Each student sat in a seat waiting for the pilot to call our names over the intercom for us to visit the cockpit . We went in groups of three . I think in addition to owning Nana 's Place , I 'd like to be a pilot . I imagined myself flying my own plane as I rested my head against the back of my seat waiting for the rest of the class to have their turn visiting the cockpit . The stewardess served us nuts and juice . I had a great time . When we got home , I shared my experience with Mike . Chapter 8 Ginny made us all a fruit bowl , topped with cool whip , raisins , and granola . After we ate , Mike walked me to my room so I could get ready for bed . There were three sets of pajamas and a set of National Geographic books on my bed . " You 're more than welcome . You don 't have to worry about getting up early tomorrow . Ginny will be home all day so you can sleep in . Okay ? Goodnight . " Why did they buy me clothes ? How long are they going to allow me to stay here ? Where will I go once I leave ? Have they told anyone about me ? I fell asleep with a lot of questions on my mind . " No . And I think we should give him a few days before asking about his family . He seems to be warming up to us . He 'll trust us enough to tell us his story , " Ginny said . " That 's what I was thinking , " Mike said . " I wanted to take him to work with me tomorrow , but I think he needs to sleep in . I don 't want to overload him , especially since he might be experiencing some stress . " " In the meantime , I 'll see what I can find out about his mother , " Mike said . " I think he said her name was Katherine Wilson , right ? " Ginny reached for her phone and looked at the notes she had taken . " Yes , that 's her name . He said his grandmother died . His last name is Graham . " I awakened the following morning to sunlight streaming through my window . Someone had opened the blinds . I lay in bed wondering whether or not to get up . I heard a whirring sound coming from downstairs . Feeling hungry , I decided to get up . There was a towel , a face cloth , a toothbrush , and a comb and hairbrush on the dresser . I swung round to where I heard the sound . A clock was hanging on the wall . A bird slid in and out of the tiny door saying , " Cuckoo ! Cuckoo ! " I was fascinated with it . I had never seen anything like that before . Ginny waited with me until the bird finished all ten cuckoos . We walked to her sewing room , then I left to get my laptop and books . I sat at one end of her cutting table and surveyed the large room . The sewing machine appeared to be bolted onto the table where Ginny sat . The table had one cabinet that stood open , exposing trays and spools of thread . There were drawers on the other side . The closet door stood open and there were dresses hanging inside . There was a clothes rack standing against one wall . A half mannequin stood on the other end of the sewing table . There was a tiny bed pushed up to one corner . " Yes , " Ginny said . For the most part , we worked in silence . By the time she ended her day , I presented her with a picture I drew on my laptop of her sitting at her sewing machine . " Oh , thank you . It 's beautiful , " Ginny said giving me a hug . " We have to get it printed . You have wonderful talent . " It was Wednesday , my second day with Mike and Ginny Anderson . Even though I had enjoyed my two days with them , my heart was still anxious . I had not heard them say anything about what they planned to do with me . Were they trying to gain my trust only to turn their backs on me ? Were they planning on turning me over to the police ? Would I end up back in foster care ? Had they said anything to Pastor Harris ? We were all sitting at the table in the kitchen , eating our Wednesday evening meal before going to church for the mid - week prayer meeting and Bible study hour . I glanced at the cuckoo clock ; it was 4 : 30 . Mike and Ginny 's daughter , Anne , was sitting beside me . " Well , eat up . We must get going . I have choir rehearsal from five until six fifteen . You can join the others in the fellowship hall , and if you feel like eating again , you can eat with them . Tonight they 're serving chicken nuggets and salad . " I chose to stay with Mike . He and Ginny did not introduce me as the runaway kid hiding in the church 's charity room . Instead , they told others how my grandmother had died and I was spending a few days with them . I looked up at them with grateful eyes . Ginny smiled at me . I rewarded her with a smile of my own . She understood . " By the way , Keon , " Mike said . " What school were you going to ? I 'm sure you would like to continue going to your school . Or we may need to transfer you to another school closer to us . We 'll need to get your records . " " Hillsdale Middle School , " I said . I loved going to school . If they are talking of putting me in school , then maybe they have plans for me staying with them , I thought . " Mom , you can sign him up with a tutoring service online . Remember you had me sign up with one when I was having problems with my math , " Ann said . She had been sitting beside me quietly reading her Kindle . Over a late lunch , Ginny asked me the one question I was hoping they would not ask . " Keon , tell me how you ended up in our charity room . I promise no one will know except Mike and myself . " I swallowed as I gathered my thoughts , not knowing where to begin . Ginny , who had joined me at the cutting table , was doing some embroidery work on a couple of pillowcases she was sewing for one of her customers . It was to be a wedding gift . The silky white material shimmered in the light . Ginny 's hand skillfully started moving the needle with the silver embroidery thread in and out of the material . One pillowcase was already done . It had the word ' HERS ' in big letters , the date of the wedding , and the words " until death do us part . " She was working on the word ' HIS ' on the second pillowcase . " At first we did . Then she and Nana had a serious argument . I don 't quite remember all of it as I was only five years old . But I remember it made me sad because we had to leave Nana 's house . " " Katherine , like I 've been telling you ever since you were a teenager , you have always been a flighty person - in your thoughts , words , and actions . Your spirit is unsettled . You always want to jump up and move to something new , " Nana said . " Mama , I 'm just asking you to do me one favor . Please . I 'll only be gone for a week . Can 't you watch him for me , just for one week ? I mean , he is your grandson . " " You 're here in body , but your mind is not here . It has not been here since you gave birth to him , " Nana snapped . " Like I warned you when you started playing around with Devon , you were playing with someone who did not take life seriously . But , oh no , you wouldn 't listen . You were consumed with the idea of marriage and having a baby and being a mother . Well , you had the baby and now you are a mother ! You better wake up and accept your reality . " " No , you haven 't had stress from living with me , " Nana said . " You have experienced stress because you are still upset and hurt because things did not work out between you and Devon . I saw you the other night on the day bed curled up in a fetal position crying . You are mad at yourself . You are mad at Devon . And you are taking it out on your son . " " Oh , really ? You have not been the same since Devon left you . You have been withdrawn and you 're still experiencing depression . Do you know why you 're depressed ? You 're depressed because you have not accepted that you and Devon are not going to be a couple like you wanted , " Nana said . " Then why do I still hear you crying at night when you think everybody 's asleep ? Why do you still sit staring into space sometimes ? Why aren 't you happy like you used to be ? Katherine , it 's been five years . How long are you going to carry that hurt around ? You have to let Devon go . It 's useless trying to hold on to someone who has already left . " " Look at me , " Nana said in a softer tone . " You have to face reality . Devon is not coming back . Keon may never know his father . If you don 't accept this reality you are going to be miserable forever , and you will never be the good mother you should be to Keon . And that would not be fair to him . He needs at least a mother . You need to stop being selfish . " " Mama , please ! Let me decide what my own reality will be . Okay ? " Mom said abruptly . " I 'll begin looking for a new place tomorrow . " " Don 't worry , Keon , " she said . " Always remember that I love you . I 'm allowing this so your mother will grow up and begin acting responsible . You can call me any time . And always be thankful no matter what . " " Mom , why can 't I stay with Nana ? We don 't visit her anymore , " I asked one evening after talking with Nana on the phone . " I don 't want to go to day care after school . I 'd rather go to Nana 's . " " Will you stop pestering me about your grandmother ? Be happy you can talk with her over the phone because you may not see her much anymore , " Mom said . " She 's the one who told us to leave . And do you know why ? Because I 'm not being responsible . Well , I 'll show her how responsible I am . I 'm here with you right now , aren 't I ? " " Well , you don 't color with me . You don 't read to me . Nana reads to me all the time . She read to me The Little Engine That Could over the phone yesterday . That 's my favorite book . And she told me I could do anything I set my mind to just like the little engine . " Mom looked at me . " Nana has nothing else to do , " she finally said . " I have to work from morning until evening so you can have this place to stay and so you can have food to eat including the McDonald 's happy meal which you did not thank me for . " I told Nana about it later . " She talked until late into the night , " I said . " I had to get ready for bed myself . Nana , can I please come and stay with you ? " " Are you crazy leaving your child by himself while you go party all night ? " Nana asked Mom , going into the living room . I put the book I was reading down and listened at the doorway . " All right then , half a night . It does not matter , you do not leave a six - year - old by himself for any length of time . Why couldn 't you have taken him with you and let him sleep at your friend 's house ? Better still , why couldn 't you have brought him over here ? " Nana asked . " We may not be on good terms right now , but we don 't have to act irrational when it comes to Keon . I have a great mind to call Children and Family Services and have them place him with a mother and father who will love him and spend time with him . " A new fear rose inside me - a fear that visited me every time Mom did something that did not seem right to me . A fear that intensified whenever I heard Nana arguing with her about something . That fear did not leave until I asked Nana about Children and Family Services . Nana chuckled and gave me one of her big , warm hugs . " Of course not , " she said . " I couldn 't do such a thing , so you don 't have to worry your little head about anything . I 'd rather you come and live with me again . " I swallowed . Mom had done it before . She would set me in front of the television and tell me not to get up until she got back . She said she would bring me back a candy bar if I stayed put . I dared not tell Nana as I did not want to be taken away from Mom . I still loved her even though she did not always act responsible . I believe Nana 's threat did put some sense into Mom , at least for a while . She started reading to me more even though she did not act out the story characters as Nana did . She took me to the library once . She even showed me how to play some games on her laptop . About a week later , I had my own computer . Maybe I should have told her I did not want my own computer because she left me many evenings to play on it by myself while she talked on the phone . I wonder if it was my fault that she did that because one evening I blurted out , " You don 't read like Nana does . She acts the stories out . " Mom looked at me sharply . " Is that what this is about ? Comparing me with Nana ? All I ever hear from you is Nana this and Nana that . Do you want to go live with her ? Because we can arrange it . " " She doesn 't talk to me like you . She 's always telling me to be quiet . And , Nana , I don 't like going to the daycare after school , " I told her . " Why would a six - year - old ask his grandmother can he come and live with her ? Is it killing you to spend five mornings and evenings with him ? He 's in school all day and he 's asleep at nights , and I have him on the weekends and he is no problem at all . " " There 's more to taking care of a child than providing material things , " Nana said . " You have always been a selfish person . You have to learn to get out of your world and get into his world . " " How can you say I 'm selfish ? I 'm here with him every day , aren 't I ? I don 't know what Keon 's been telling you , and I don 't see how you can take the word of a six - year - old over his mother 's words . " " Easily . Children have pure hearts and they tell it as it is , " Nana said . " Did you know he does not like going to after - school or daycare ? " " Mama , I can 't be worried about whether or not Keon likes after - school . Where else is he going to stay after school lets out ? I 'm still at work , " Mom said . Nana chuckled . " Your pride just won 't let you ask me to watch him for you , now will it ? It would be so much easier and less stress on you if I picked him up from school , now wouldn 't it ? Don 't let your pride stand in the way of doing something good for Keon 's sake , Katherine . Think about it . Good night . " " Apart from issues concerning your father she is now beating up on herself for not finishing college . She was in her last year when you were born . She 's been trying to find a job with a software company . She has her heart set on Microsoft but nothing has opened up for her so far . I told her if she were to finish school there 's a higher possibility that something might open up . That 's another reason I am keeping you - so she can focus on her studies . " After Nana explained things to me , I settled down at her place without thinking of spending time with Mom . Mom spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with us . She also came to the Christmas play at Nana 's church . I acted as one of the shepherds who went to see Baby Jesus at the end of the play . We sang the words : The virgin Mary had a Baby Boy " Next year I 'm going to be one of the wise men , " I said returning her hug . I was surprised she hugged me because she 's not the hugging type . Well , she used to hug me when I was little , but she stopped . I didn 't notice until one day I asked her if I could sit on her lap while she read to me . After we read , Mom went to take her shower . I needed a pen or pencil so I could draw a picture for her . I went inside her bedroom and searched in her computer desk drawer . I did find some pens and pencils , but I also found a picture of mom and a man . They both had their arms around each other 's neck and were laughing . I was so intent on the picture I did not hear Mom come into the room . " Yes . Until something happened that did not fit into his plans , " Mom said . " Anyway , I don 't want to talk about him right now or at all . Okay ? " She turned her head and wiped at her eyes . I went to my room thinking about what Mom had said about my father , " until something happened that did not fit into his plans . " I decided to ask Nana about it the next evening when she picked me up from school . " Keon , what I 'm going to tell you may hurt , but it is best you know it now while you 're young , " she said . " Yes , you did not fit into your father 's plans . He wanted to play around with your mother . Well , they both played around and your mother got pregnant . Of course , you were not in either of their plans , but rather than facing up to the responsibility , he left your mother . We have not seen or heard from him since . " " But don 't you let that bother you . God has a great plan for you . You thank God every day that you were born healthy and that you have a mother and a grandmother who love you . Many children do not have a mother or a father or a grandmother for that matter . But most of all , thank God that He is your Heavenly Father . " Nana mussed my hair . " You look like your father , especially when you twist your mouth like that . In fact , you were named after him . His name is Kevin Devon , and your name is Keon . " " Hmm . That 's very insightful for a six - year - old , " Nana said . " I never thought about that . If that is the case , don 't get an attitude towards your mother . Thank God for her no matter what because she could have aborted you or put you up for adoption , then I would have never known you . " " Yes , Mama . Every time I look at Keon it 's like I 'm looking Devon in the face . They have the same facial expressions and mannerisms , and I can 't handle it day in and day out . " " So you 're going to allow that to affect your relationship with Keon ? Don 't take your bitterness towards Devon out on Keon , " Grandma said gently . " Learn to forgive , Katherine . Forgive Devon and forgive yourself so that you can enjoy your son and enjoy your life . Don 't focus on the negative ; focus on the positive . Learn to be thankful for the good that you do have in your life . " With that new revelation , I settled down at Nana 's house quite content to stay with her . At Nana 's suggestion , I called Mom twice each week . After telling her what I did at school and what I learned at Sunday school , there was not much else to talk about . Apart from her saying ' hello ' and asking me how I was doing and if I was behaving , we didn 't make much conversation . Sometimes she would speak with Nana , other times she would tell me to tell Nana ' hello ' for her . " Yes , " I said . I did not understand why Nana insisted on me telling Mom I loved her every time . Maybe it is one of those things you don 't understand until you get older . " I plan on pursuing my career as a computer programmer . Hopefully , I 'll land a job with Microsoft . As you know , that has always been my dream , " Mom said . I listened to them talk as I ate . Nothing was said about my going back to live with Mom . I 'll ask Nana later , I thought . " What I can 't understand is that I 've submitted about fifteen applications , but I haven 't received a response yet . " Mom sounded frustrated . " I 'm ready to move on . " " I hope that 's all you do : party a little , " Nana said . " Just don 't do anything stupid . " This time Nana was not smiling . We drove to Mom 's apartment so she could get her car . She seemed so happy . I guess finishing college will make you happy - so happy you forget to hug your six - year - old son . I looked at Nana , puzzled . She chuckled . " It 's a thing these college graduates do when they finish their studies . They party all night then sleep all morning - sometimes all day . So we may see your mother tomorrow , then again , we may not . In the meantime , promise me you 'll pray with me about it , " Nana said . " Dear God , thank You that Mom graduated today . It was good to see her laughing and smiling so much . I pray that You would give her a job at Microsoft . She says that is where she would like to work . And I pray that she would come and live with me and Nana . Amen . " Nana did talk to Mom about her plans for me when Mom stopped by late the next evening . I guess she partied until late because she had bags under her eyes . Nana kidded with her about partying all night . " Remember , I still have that secretarial job at the business office off Broad Street . They promised me longer hours once I graduated , so I 'll still be working during the daytime . Keon will need someone to watch him then . Are you getting tired of watching him ? " Nana chuckled . " That 's not a question I need to answer . I was just thinking now that you 're out of school you could spend more time with your son . Maybe pick him up every evening and spend that time with him . He 'd love that . " " Don 't get me wrong . He is very happy staying here . You mentioned that you were ready to move on with your life . Do your plans for moving on include Keon ? " Nana was serious . I sensed the hesitancy in Mom 's voice as though she was carefully choosing her words . " Of course , Mama . My plans for moving on include Keon , " she said brusquely . Then she added , " He 's my son . " Nana seemed to think about it . " Yes . I 'll keep him on weekends . I wouldn 't want him to miss church . You need to start coming back to church yourself . That would help stabilize your life and provide the direction you need . " Mom came to church . She had dinner with us . I believe she stayed longer than she wanted to because three ladies from the church came over and she didn 't want to seem impolite . As soon as they left she said goodnight . Mom graduated in May . She received a letter from McKenon & Parker in August . My birthday was on October first . It was the biggest one I had yet . In fact , I had two parties . Nana gave me one with my Sunday school class , which she did every year . Mom gave me one with my classmates from school . This was Mom 's first time giving me a birthday party . I concluded later that she may have done it because of guilt . Not only had McKenon & Parker hired her , but if she accepted the position she would have to move all the way to California . Why should she feel guilty about that ? Once again , I wasn 't eavesdropping . Honest . I just happened to overhear her and Nana talking , and … well … I listened . I awakened from my nap , and feeling hungry , I headed for the kitchen . Nana was baking cookies . I stopped in the hallway when I overheard Nana arguing with Mom . " And it seems to me you would have all that squared away before you accept the job , " Nana said . " But like I 've always told you , you up and do things on the spur of the moment without thinking ahead . How about McKenon & Parker ? Do they have a place to stay ? Do they have their families with them ? " " Mama , they are my bosses . I don 't ask them personal questions . All I need is for you to watch Keon for me for one month . That should give me time to get a place and stuff . Please , Mama you know it 's been my dream to work at a place like this , " Mom pleaded . " Yes . But I didn 't know you would end up in California . Picture this : a young , attractive , single lady , who has not recovered from a broken relationship , leaves New York for California , where she knows no one , to pursue her career . My spirit is unsettled about this . Even if you did not have Keon I would still be concerned . You 're leaving yourself vulnerable to anything . " " No . You 're not leaving the Monday before Thanksgiving . You 're not going to mess Keon 's Thanksgiving up . You 're going to tell whoever hired you that you are going to spend Thanksgiving with your family . I thought we had already settled that . And something is wrong with your thinking if you don 't see anything wrong with that , " Nana said with finality . Mom 's indecision plagued me over the next two weeks . Yes , Nana was right : something was wrong with that picture . Even as a seven - year - old , I could figure that out . As Thanksgiving drew closer , I became more and more anxious . I did see some things pointing to Mom moving . New suitcases . New clothes for Mom . New hairstyle . New shoes . Somehow , I did not feel as good about this new job of her 's like I had before . I began to wish McKenon & Parker hadn 't hired her . I went to bed Sunday night with an anxious heart . Was Mom going to be here on Monday ? Or , would she be in California when I woke up ? I must have been having a nightmare because Nana woke me up . " I 've known for over a month . I woke up and heard you and her talking . Tell me she 's not leaving today , Nana . And she hasn 't said anything to me about when she 's leaving . Why is she keeping it a secret ? " I was nearly in tears . " I hope not . But I do believe she is waiting until the last minute to tell you , " Nana said . " I told her not to do that . " " My guess is guilt . I believe , deep down , she knows she should not go all the way to California and leave you behind , " Nana said . " It 's okay to cry , but while you cry , ask the Lord God about it . He always knows best . " I did not want to pray then , so Nana prayed for both of us . I began to feel angry at Mom for not wanting me to go with her . She could have looked for an apartment and signed me up for school before we left . I told Nana that . At first Nana did not respond . She only hugged me . " Now , now , put that anger back where it came from and be thankful even for this . Paul says , ' In everything be thankful as this is the will of God for you at this time , ' " she said . " Now , now , let 's see , " Nana said . " Try to look for something good out of what you see as a bad situation . Always do that . " Nana chuckled . " Let 's see . You could thank God you 're still alive because you could be dead . You could thank God your mother is also alive because she could be dead . Do you know how many children do not have a mother ? You could thank God that tomorrow you 're going with me to buy the biggest turkey there is in the store . Come on , thank the Lord for something . " Before long , Nana and I were taking turns thanking God for different things . I must admit , I felt better . Giving thanks does work . Nana fixed us both some warm milk , sweetened with honey and buttered toast . Nana tucked me in and gave me a kiss on the forehead . " Now don 't you worry ' bout a thing . God has it all under His control . " Nana and I were so busy picking up our Thanksgiving food over the next few days I forgot all about Mom leaving . That week I slept over at Nana 's . On Wednesday , we went to a Thanksgiving service at the church . My friend , Marlon , and I talked about who had the biggest turkey . He and his family would be spending Thanksgiving with his grandmother in another part of New York . They had spent Thanksgiving with us last year . When we got home , Mom was waiting for us . She had hot cocoa , marshmallows , and cookies for us . It was just what I needed on that chilly Thanksgiving Eve . After I finished my snack Nana told me to get ready for bed as she and Mom would be up late getting things ready for the next day . When I came to say ' good night ' I once again overheard them talking . I didn 't mean to eavesdrop . Honest . I couldn 't help it . " What are you talking about ? I 'm not trying to run away from anything , " Mom said . " And will you stop telling me what I 'm feeling and what to do ? I 'm a grown woman . " " Yes , you are , " Nana said . " You 've been trying to run away from anything to do with Devon . But changing your location won 't get rid of the memories . You need to face it : Obviously , Devon did not care for you , you need to accept it , pray about it , and move on with your life . You can 't act as though it never happened because it will keep resurfacing , and each time it resurfaces , it will cause more pain , " she said . " No , you haven 't . If you did you wouldn 't be acting the way you 've been acting . You wouldn 't be so sensitive whenever I bring it up . And you would have done all you needed to do to take Keon with you to California . How are you going to get out there anyway ? " " Good . I 'm glad you took my advice because you don 't need to drive all the way out there by yourself . You must have been drunk when you told me that , " Nana said . " Here , help me lift this turkey up so I can put my seasoning underneath . " " No . I 'm leaving it overnight in the fridge to marinate , " Nana said . " Promise me you 're going to send for Keon in one month 's time . " For Nana to ask Mom to make a promise like that left me with many questions : Why would Nana tell her to promise that she would come and get me ? Did Nana know something I didn 't know ? Why didn 't Mom just say , ' I promise ' ? Did she intend not to come back for me ? " It 's not that I can 't promise . It 's just that . . . What if things don 't work out ? What if it takes me longer to find a place and to get settled in ? " " What if it doesn 't ? What if things do work out ? " Nana asked . I peeked around the door to see what was happening as I did not hear Mom 's response . Nana and Mom were standing by the counter staring at each other . " I 've always taught you if you 're going to be involved in something , be positive about it . Strive to make it a success . You were positive and excited about this new venture , but now you 're expressing doubt . If you 're having doubts you may need to reconsider . " " My mind 's made up . I 'm going to California to work for McKenon & Parker , " Mom said hastily . " Okay . Be prepared to talk with Keon . Children can understand a lot more than we think they can , " Nana said . " I 'm ready for bed , " I said , walking into the kitchen . " Good night , baby , " Nana said , giving me a hug . " Sweet dreams . " " Good night , Nana . Good night , Mom , " I said giving Mom a hug . " You can go tuck him in , " Nana said to Mom . " I 'll be in there to read to you as soon as I stick this turkey in the oven , " she told me . When Nana came in , she stood quietly by the foot of my bed while Mom finished reading . " Remember , you can do anything you set your mind to , " Nana said when Mom was done reading . Nana then read some verses from the Book of Psalms . I fell asleep thinking of turkey , cranberries , macaroni and cheese , and dinner rolls dripping with butter . No one had to wake me up the next morning . Apart from Christmas with its bright lights and snow , Thanksgiving was my next favorite holiday . Apart from all the great Thanksgiving food , putting up the Christmas tree was my next favorite part of the Thanksgiving Day celebration . I felt like a stuffed turkey as I got up from the dinner table and wobbled into the living room where I made myself comfortable on the floor on my sleeping bag . Nana and Mom cleaned up and made it just in time to see some of the Macy 's Thanksgiving Day parade . I believe all three of us fell asleep . When Nana woke me up , she had all the boxes with the Christmas ornaments sitting next to me . I helped her and Mom drag the Christmas tree in from her basement . We had fun stringing the ornaments on the tree . Mom took pictures with her iPhone and sent them to my laptop . I called my friend , Marlon , and we talked for over an hour . For our last meal Nana made turkey sandwiches . They were good . Mom made hot chocolate with marshmallows . " Keon , I don 't know how to tell you this , " Mom said . Just tell me , I thought . There is nothing hard about it . " I will be flying out to California early Monday morning . . . and . . . I am sorry , but I won 't be taking you with me . I will probably send for you right after Christmas but definitely in the beginning of the New Year . " " Yes , Mom , I heard . I 'll pray for you to have a safe journey . I 'll keep Nana company until you come back . " " Nana could come live with us and she could watch me after school , " I said . " Hey , that 's a thought . Now why didn 't I think of that , " Mom said looking at Nana . " I 'll have to pray about this one , " Nana said . " I 'll write you every day and give you my address so you can write back . And I 'll send pictures too , " Mom said . " Okay . Nana , I think I 'm ready for bed , " I said . " May I please sleep in my sleeping bag here by the Christmas tree ? " When we returned to the living room , Mom helped me spread my sleeping bag out . Nana provided one of her thick quilts for extra padding . She prayed . Then I prayed , thanking God for Mom and praying that she would have a safe trip to California . When I finished praying , Mom was wiping at one of her eyes as if she was removing an eyelash . But I knew better . I closed my eyes thinking of Christmas and what presents I would like to get this year . The last I heard of Nana and Mom was Mom saying to Nana , " He didn 't seem surprised when I told him I could not take him with me . That 's not how I was expecting him to respond . " " How did you expect him to respond ? With tears ? Whining and begging you to take him ? I 've been teaching him to pray about everything , to strive to be in a thanksgiving state of mind , and to respond as he thinks Jesus would respond in any situation , " Nana said . " I 'm glad he 's taking heed to my advice - something you refuse to do even to this day . " " I 'll have some of the men of the church to help move all your stuff , " Nana said . " I 'll bring all of Keon 's things over here and fit whatever furniture I can in the house . The rest will have to go into storage . Will you be sending for them later ? If not , I can have a yard sale , see what we can get for them , and send you the money . . . . Okay , I 'll just put them in storage until I hear from you . " It did not take me long to get dressed as I looked forward to watching the planes take off and land . Nana had promised me that if I carried myself like a gentleman we could take a tour of the airport . That sounded good to me . Mom had five suitcases . Why she would need five suitcases of clothes was beyond me . We made it to the airport on time . Nana and I hugged Mom when it was time for her to board the plane . Even though Nana had prepared me for this time , tears still came to my eyes as I said goodbye to my mother . Somehow , I did not feel good about her moving to California by herself . But as Nana said , " It 's her decision . She 's been given the pros and cons . All we can do is pray for her . " I wanted to hug her longer , but Mom made it quick . I believe she was getting ready to cry because her voice trembled as she said ' goodbye ' and she did not look me in the eyes for very long . Even though her back was turned , I saw her reach her hand up to her face . Yes , she was crying . As strange as this may sound , that made me feel warm inside as it told me that she loved me . Nana gave me the option of staying home or going to school that day . I decided to go to school . When I got home I crossed out Monday the 29th day of November on the calendar that was hanging in the kitchen . That day started my countdown to December 31 or January 1 , the day I 'd be boarding the plane to fly out to California to be with my mother . . " Station break , " Ginny said . As she set her sewing down on the table . " I hate to interrupt this interesting story but I have to go prepare dinner if we want to eat later . " " He works a little bit late on Thursdays . He 'll be picking Ann up from school on his way home . She has drama rehearsal on Thursdays , Fridays , and Mondays . Were you involved in any after - school activities ? " " Yes . I wish she was still alive . Sometimes I wonder why God took her when she was all I had . " My voice trembled and I got choked up as Nana 's image came to mind . " Her face had a glow and she always wore a smile - a smile that gave me constant assurance that everything would be okay . She spoke to me like I was an adult , like I was important . " Ginny handed me some Kleenex . I did not mean to cry , but somehow , I couldn 't help it . Ginny placed a hand on my shoulders . " It 's all going to work out , " she said . " Nothing happens without God knowing . " Always thank God for someone . And thank Him everyday for your mother . I looked around . Nana ? I felt like she was standing next to me . " Thank You , God , for Mike and Ginny . And thank You also for Mom . I pray that all is well with her . " " Okay , slugger , " he said . " Time to go in and eat . We don 't want to keep Ginny waiting any longer . Plus , I 'm hungry . " So this is what my father and I would be doing : playing baseball . If only he had stayed . That thought saddened me and left me feeling angry . " Mike , " Ginny said as they lay in bed that night , " Keon 's really hurting . He 's trying to be grown - up about things . I think he has buried his feelings for so long that some of them just started spilling over tonight . " Ginny told her husband all that Keon had shared with her about his first seven years of life up until when his mother left for California . " His grandmother holds a special place in his heart , " she said . " He now believes his mother lied to him when she told him she would send for him . Have you tried to trace her whereabouts yet ? " " No . I wasn 't able to do anything today , " Mike said . " I think we should stop by his grandmother 's old house and speak with the neighbors and even stop by his mother 's apartment and speak with the friend who lives next door . Maybe they have heard something . " " That sounds like a good place to start . Maybe we can get in touch with the pastor of the church his grandmother used to attend . He may know something too , " Ginny suggested . " It 's sad what 's happening to him . He 's a good kid . Can he stay with us while we help him through this ? " Ginny said . " I think he needs a stable place right now , and the boys ' home is not it . " " Sure . Let 's plan on visiting his grandmother 's neighborhood on Saturday to find out what we can , " Mike said . " Do you think he 'll be up to coming with us ? " " Hey , how much time did he spend on his laptop today ? " Mike asked . " He may still be trying to get in touch with his mother . He said , starting out , she did keep in touch through email . We may be able to trace her whereabouts from there . " " He spent some time on his laptop , but I didn 't see where he went , " Ginny said . " Of course , we spent most of the day talking . A lot could have happened to his mother . After all , it 's been a little over five years . I wonder if she knows his grandmother died ? " " Good night , " Ginny said giving her husband a kiss on the cheek . " Oh , by the way , I almost forgot . My sewing club meets tomorrow after lunch . I don 't think Keon would want to be around a bunch of women , and I can 't leave him here by himself . " " I walked , " I said . " There 's the movie theater where Nana took me to see lots of movies , " I said . " They have the best popcorn . " " We can go there some time , " Mike said . " By the way , unless something happens , you 'll be staying with us for a while . How would you like that ? " When we got to Nana 's house , the doors were locked . I eagerly pointed out my bedroom as I strained to look through the window between the curtains . " My bed 's still there , " I said . " And I can barely make out my tent in the far corner . Sometimes I would camp out on my bedroom floor . " " Look ! The window is still broken . " I pointed to the kitchen window which now had slabs of wood nailed across it . " I broke it so I could hide here when I ran away from the boys ' home and to get my cell phone . " " Yes , " I said with a grin . " The librarian started to ask why I wasn 't in school . After she asked me the third day , I got scared and decided to stay away . I left in a hurry lest she called the police and I got sent back to the boys ' home . " I carefully reached through the slabs of wood and pulled the curtain to the side . I looked in . " Everything is just as I left it . I could break the other window and climb through and unlock the door so you can get in ? " Mike chuckled . " No . That would be breaking and entering . We don 't want to give the neighbors a reason to call the police . I 'm going to ask them whether or not your mother may have stopped by - you know , maybe visiting from California , " he said . Mrs . Watkins in the house to the left had not seen or heard anything about Mom . " But , " she said , " a Mrs . Faraday from Family and Children Services was asking about Keon 's whereabouts . She said he ran away from the boys ' home across town . Where have you been , Keon ? " " Oh , okay , " Mrs . Watkins said , studying Mike for a moment . " She left her card for me to give her a call in case I happened to hear anything . Do you mind if I get your name and number so I can pass it on to her ? " She came back with Mrs . Faraday 's card which she handed to Mike . " I 'm glad you 're safe , " she said to me . " I 've been praying for your safety . The pastor from your grandmother 's church stopped by too . Of course , they asked about you . He mentioned something about your grandmother asking him to take care of you and her house until your mother returned . He also mentioned something about her leaving him a copy of her will which he was not to open until either your mother returned or you turned eighteen - whichever happened first . " " I guess we need to talk with your pastor , then , " Mike said to Keon . " Thank you , Mrs . Watkins . Have a good day now . " " A good day to you too , " Mrs . Watkins said . She reached out and gave me a hug . " I 'm happy all is well with you , Keon . Your grandmother was , indeed , a blessed woman . " When we returned to the car , I pleaded with Mike and Ginny , " Please do not tell the people at Family and Children Services where I am . Please do not let them send me back to the boys ' home . I do not like it there . " " Nana ! Nana ! Open your eyes . It 's me , Keon ! " I cried out as I shook her . When she did not respond , I reached for the phone and called 9 - 1 - 1 . She asked for my full name and age , Nana 's full name and age , and whether her skin felt cold . I told her Nana 's lips looked pale and her hands were cold . The ambulance was there in about four minutes accompanied by two police officers . I stood beside the bed and watched as the EMTs tried to bring Nana back to life . They were unable to . I watched as they placed her on the stretcher , covered her with a sheet , strapped her down , then wheeled her outside and into the ambulance . I hurried behind them thinking they would take me with them . One of the EMTs placed a firm hand on my shoulder . " I 'm sorry , son , " he said , " but you won 't be able to ride with us . Officer Neumann will tell you why . Right now we must get your grandmother to the hospital . " He climbed into the back of the ambulance and they sped off to the hospital . I watched as the ambulance disappeared around the corner , its flashing lights getting dim , its siren more difficult to hear . " He came home from school and found his grandmother unconscious , " Officer Neumann said to her . " The EMTs were unable to revive her . They fear she may be - " " I only know of his mother . But from what I understand , they have not seen or heard from her in a while , " Mrs . Watkins said . " I wish I could be of more help . What will happen to him now ? " " I understand , " Officer Neumann said . " If you hear of any relatives , please give us a call at the station . Here 's my card . Just ask for me , Officer Ricky Neumann . You have a great day . " I was in a daze as the officers led me back into the house . When I had said goodbye to Nana that morning she was healthy , smiling , and full of life . What happened ? Had she been ill all along ? " Is she going to be all right ? Can you take me to the hospital to see her ? Did someone hurt her ? " I asked the police officers . " I don 't know about taking you to the hospital right now , " the other officer , Officer Lederer , said . " And , no , it doesn 't look like anyone has hurt your grandmother . As far as her being all right , we 'll just have to wait until we hear from the doctor . " " You 're not telling me the truth , are you ? " I blurted out . " Nana 's not going to be all right , is she ? She was not breathing . I saw them put the mask over her nose and mouth . Why couldn 't I go with her ? " Officer Neumann placed his hand on my shoulder . " Sit down , Keon , " he said . " The truth is , your grandmother may not return home . The EMTs tried to bring her back to consciousness , but they couldn 't . One of them told me she was gone . But sometimes they are able to get a patient breathing again . They couldn 't let you ride with her to the hospital because you are under - aged , and they couldn 't leave you there by yourself . You have to have an adult with you . " I gave them the latest information I had on Mom . " We haven 't heard from her for some years now . I don 't know of anyone else . " Officer Lederer placed his police hat on my head and walked into the kitchen . When he returned , he had a bag in his hand which he handed to me . " Here you go . I thought you might want a little something to munch on while we 're getting you squared away . " Inside the bag were two apples , a banana , and a few of Nana 's cookies . I nodded my head in appreciation . I should have enjoyed my ride in the police car . But my mind was on Nana and the thought that I may never see her again saddened me . Just pray when it seems things are not going well . Those words came to me so clearly as I walked with Officer Neumann and Officer Lederer into the police station . I glanced over my shoulder thinking Nana was walking behind us speaking to me . I was disappointed to see she was not there . I prayed anyway . Dear God , please let Nana be well . Please let me go to the hospital to find her sitting up in bed smiling . She 's all I have . " Here you go , " Officer Lederer said swinging a swivel chair around . " You can have a seat right here while we make a couple phone calls and get you squared away . " He ruffled my hair and gave me a reassuring smile . It didn 't comfort me any , but I appreciated it . " That would be Mrs . Faraday at Family and Children Services , " she said . " Let me get her number . " She returned with Mrs . Faraday 's number in less than a minute . " Good news , " Officer Neumann said to me after he got off the phone . " We have a place for you to stay with about twenty other boys . Won 't that be fun ? " When Officer Lederer returned he stood off to the side with Officer Neumann . They spoke in low tones . Officer Lederer had a grim look on his face . He cast a quick glance in my direction . They both approached me . My eyes filled with tears before either of them spoke . Nana was dead . Mrs . Faraday was a petite lady with a bright smile , rosy cheeks , and sunshiny eyes . Her black hair , which was fixed in a bun at the nape of her head , had streaks of white throughout . I took an immediate liking to her . " Well , let 's get you to a nice warm shelter around some lads your age who you 'll just love playing with and talking to and some women who will just love on you . Does that sound good ? " Mrs . Faraday said . " Follow me . " I said goodbye to the two officers and followed Mrs . Faraday to her car . Once seated in the front passenger seat she told me to put my seat belt on . " We don 't want to have to go back to the police station , now do we ? " she said with a smile . " You want to see her dead body ? I don 't know if they will allow that especially since you 're so young . I can take you to see her , but it will not be tomorrow . The doctors have to examine her body to find out the cause of her death . Has she been sick ? " She pulled up into a KFC drive - thru . " I 'm sure you 're hungry . Let me get you something to eat . Dinner has already been served at the boys ' home . " " That 's a snack for after you eat your main meal . I 'm talking about some real food , " Mrs . Faraday said . She ordered a two - piece chicken meal . " I know you don 't feel like eating , but you will need to eat to keep your energy up . Plus , food has a way of comforting you , " she said . " Would you like one of my cookies ? " I asked after I finished my meal . " It 's chocolate chip with crushed nuts . Nana made them . She was always baking something . " She turned into the wide driveway of a two - story mansion . Colored light stakes lined the driveway and the edge of the front yard . The two lights on the long veranda beamed brightly . Mrs . Faraday rang the doorbell twice . A heavy - set woman with reddish hair answered the door . " Good evening , Mrs . Faraday . Come on in , " she said . " And you must be Keon . Nice to make your acquaintance . I 'm Mrs . Manniker Come this way . " " Have a seat , Keon , " Mrs . Manniker said pointing to the chair next to Mrs . Faraday . " I 'm sorry to hear about your grandmother . I know we won 't be able to replace her , but I hope you 'll be able to call this your home while you are here . " I said goodbye to Mrs . Faraday and followed Mrs . Manniker to my room . I was to share it with seven other boys . The room was sparsely furnished . There were eight beds , four on each side of the room ; eight bedside tables with two drawers each ; two dresser drawers ; and a long table in the center of the room with eight folding chairs . Seven boys about my age were seated around the table with books open before them . After brief introductions were made and I took my seat , the lady in - charge , Mrs . Bruce , handed me a history book . The boys and I eyed each other until it was time to go down for our night snack . " And no talking or playing around , " Mrs . Bruce reminded them . Mrs . Bruce had a deep voice and a hard face . She never smiled once while we were in that room . She walked with a limp and favored her left side . I found out later from Alex , the informant within the group , that she had been caught in the cross fire of a shooting . A bullet had pierced her skull and lodged in her head next to her brain . It left the right side of her body partially paralyzed . I found out Alex had been living at the boys ' home for about five years . " I 'll show you the ropes , " he whispered in my ear as we hurried to the lunch room . " Follow me and you 'll be all right . " After our night snack of graham crackers with peanut butter and a glass of milk we washed up and got ready for bed . Mrs . Manniker had left a pair of pajamas on my bed along with a toothbrush and a face cloth . I quickly dressed and climbed into bed . I pulled the sheet and blanket over my shoulders , closed my eyes , and listened to the others joke with each other until Mrs . Bruce pounded on the door . This sent them scurrying to their beds . Mrs . Bruce pushed the door open . She stood just inside the open door and surveyed the room as its occupants were still settling down . " Carlton , give me that book . You read when it 's time to read , not when it 's time to go to sleep . Be like Keon : lay still , close your eyes , and count pennies until you fall asleep . " " Quiet , Alex . Lights out . Remember , I 'll be checking on you throughout the night , " Mrs . Bruce said . She closed the door . I lay in my bed listening to the quiet breathing of the boys in the room and wondering what was to become of me . How long would I have to stay at the boys ' home ? Who would take care of Nana 's body ? Would she have a funeral and would I be able to go ? I made a mental note to ask Mrs . Faraday when I saw her the next time . I fell asleep thinking about Nana 's words telling me to be thankful in every situation . I don 't see how it could be God 's will for a thirteen - year - old to be deprived of his only relative and left an orphan , so it was hard for me to thank God that night . But I did ask Him to show me what to be thankful for . I awakened to whispering coming from somewhere across the room . I opened my eyes to see Alex and another chubby boy , Ronny , by Mrs . Bruce 's desk . A drawer in her desk was open . " Everybody up ! This is a new day . We have a schedule to follow . One minute late throws the whole day in disarray . I 'll be back in thirty minutes to take you down for breakfast . " I quickly followed them . Thank God there was more than one sink and stall . The last boy was stepping back into the room when Mrs . Bruce stepped in behind him with a stopwatch in her hand . It was attached to a chain that hung around her neck . Each boy stood beside his bed . I did the same . Breakfast consisted of oatmeal with a pat of butter and sugar , a fruit bowl , and a glass of milk . We ate quickly then we took our bowls and eating utensils to a cart that stood by a window that opened into the kitchen . Mrs . Manniker came to get me after breakfast . Mrs . Faraday was waiting in her office with news . " I managed to get in touch with your pastor and gave him the news of your grandmother 's death . He says not to worry and that the church will take care of the funeral arrangements and see that your grandmother gets the burial she deserves . I came to get you as he 'll be meeting with us at your grandmother 's house . You can retrieve whatever belongings you may want to keep with you . " While Mrs . Faraday and Pastor Mulligan talked , I packed what I could in one of Nana 's travel bags . I placed some books and my laptop in my school bag . I stopped by Nana 's bedroom expecting to see her resting in her bed and hoping that this was all a dream . " Thank You , God , for Nana . We had a lot of good times , " I prayed quietly as tears filled my eyes . I wiped them away quickly as I did not want Mrs . Faraday or Pastor Mulligan to see me crying . I quietly closed her bedroom door , and after placing both bags on the living room floor , I went into the kitchen and helped myself to the jar containing her chocolate chip cookies - the last batch she would ever bake . I thought of something I could take to remind me of her and hurried back to her bedroom where I picked up a picture off her bedside table . We had taken that picture our last Christmas together . We had sent one to Mom but neither of us knew whether she received it . " Don 't worry about a thing , " Pastor Mulligan said as we got ready to leave . " We 'll take care of your grandmother . She 's in Heaven watching over you , and don 't you forget that . Since Mrs . Faraday already has you in a safe place , we 'll let you stay there . I 'm sure you 'd rather be around a group of boys than around two old people like me and my wife . " When I got back to the boys ' home they were all taking their showers . We ate dinner and then returned to our rooms to do homework . Mrs . Bruce pulled out the drawer of her desk and took out two of her teaching books . She studied each of our faces . I glanced at Alex and Ronny who were sitting across from me . They both looked as though they were about to burst out laughing . " So no one is going to own up to this , huh ? " Mrs . Bruce said . " The good sometimes have to suffer for the bad . So instead of going downstairs for snacks tonight , you 'll all stay here and do extra reading which I know you 'll love . And guess what ? " she said pointing to her head . " The lesson is up here in my head . Too bad you did not glue my brain shut . " Things were more relaxed on Sundays . We were given the luxury of sleeping in an extra hour . We also had an hour to get cleaned up and an hour for breakfast . " No . We only go to church two Sundays out of the month except for special things like Christmas or Easter when the church has an Easter egg hunt or anything special that children can go to . This morning Brother Ulster and one or two other people from First Baptist Church will be coming here to teach us from the Bible . We sing songs and memorize Bible verses , " Smiles said . He then laughed . " Not that it 's helping some of us . " " Next Sunday , we 'll ride the church bus to services at First Baptist Church . It 's the biggest church I 've ever seen , " Smiles informed me as we said goodbye to Brother Ulster and his assistants . " Also on Sundays , a restaurant caters our lunch for us , so you had better eat all that you can . " He laughed . " Sometimes I sneak the dinner rolls up to my room . Once I tried to sneak a fried chicken leg up to my room but Mrs . Bruce caught me . She 's good at catching you doing things , so be careful around her . I believe she has eyes in the back of her head . " " I was giving you a chance to tell me the truth , but since you 're not going to answer , I 'll answer for you . One of the boys told me he saw you doing it . He said you got up after everyone had fallen off to sleep and glued the pages together , " Mrs . Manniker said . " You may as well tell me the truth . " " I didn 't do it . Honest . I just got here . I don 't even know where anything is especially a bottle of glue , " I said . What a way to begin your second day . " I believe you , " Mrs . Mannniker finally said with a reassuring smile after staring at me for some seconds . " But to be fair I had to question you as I did the other boys . Do you think you 'll like it here ? " " Don 't worry . We 'll get to the bottom of this . This is not the first time something like this has happened , " Mrs . Manniker said thoughtfully . After she gave me permission to leave , I closed her office door softly and walked slowly up the stairs to my room wishing I had a room of my own and wishing Nana was there . She 'd get to the bottom of it . Who would lie on me like that ? I should have told Mrs . Manniker what I saw . But then , it 's none of my business . I 'm just a newcomer . I don 't want to stir up any trouble . When I walked into the room , I looked Alex in the eyes . He looked troubled . " The eyes tell it all , so you look people in the eyes , " Nana often said . Guilty people don 't like to look you in the eyes especially when you confront them . Alex diverted his eyes . I did not have to ask who told that lie to Mrs . Manniker . The boys crowded around me once again eagerly awaiting their turn on my laptop . I had been showing them some fun things to do on it that Sunday evening . I slept with my laptop under my pillow . Anyone who would lie on me my second night there about a wrong that they did , in my opinion , could not be trusted . I lay awake most of the night feeling guilty knowing I should have told Mrs . Manniker what I saw and heard . I tossed and turned most of the night as Nana 's words came to me intermittently : " If you see someone do something wrong and you don 't report it to the authority figure , you are just as guilty as that person ; you are an accomplice to the crime . " On Monday most of the boys went to school . Mrs . Bruce and Mr . and Mrs . Willard taught those who were left behind - six total , not counting myself . I could have gone to school . Mrs . Manniker could have taken me , but my school was in a different city . They were going to transfer me to one that was closer . Until then , Mr . and Mrs . Willard would be my teachers . I tried to do my work on my laptop but guilt kept breaking my concentration . After lunch I asked to see Mrs . Manniker . " Bless you , my child . I believe you , " Mrs . Manniker said . " I never for one minute believed the boy who told me you did it . " " Let 's not worry about who told me . I assure you that he will be dealt with . Just let me know if anyone causes any problems for you . Okay ? " I felt relieved as I walked back to the classroom . That guilty feeling was gone . I felt sorry for Alex . What a way to live . I just knew he was having a miserable time at school . When the school bus dropped them off and they finally came up to the room after Mrs . Manniker got a report from them , Alex did not respond to my greeting . Ronny did . All the other boys were talking about their day at school as they settled down around the table to do their homework before dinner . I listened with envy . I could not wait to go back to school . Alex and Ronny were off in the corner whispering . They kept glancing at me . I wondered if Mrs . Manniker told them what I told her . That could be the only reason that Alex was ignoring me , I concluded by the time we got ready for bed . He stuck his legs out causing me to almost fall . He shoved me out of the way when we went to the restroom to wash up for dinner . He even started to say I stole his face cloth when he couldn 't find his . " It 's right there on the floor , " Ronny said pointing to the face cloth on the ground next to the sink where Alex had just finished washing his face . I believe he dropped it on purpose . He ' accidentally ' caused my glass of juice to spill . On top of that , I couldn 't find my toothbrush when it was time to brush our teeth before bed . Ronny did not cause me any problems . I heard him say to Alex to ' leave him alone . ' That night I slipped my laptop into my pillowcase as I climbed into bed . I sensed Alex watching me and I threw a quick glance in his direction . He quickly turned his head . I glanced at Ronny , but he was too busy having a pillow fight with Kevin ; that is , until Mrs . Bruce knocked on the door . The two boys and those egging them on dived under their covers . I made a mental note to ask Mrs . Manniker to keep it in her office at night as I did not trust Alex . |
" If you see Mr . Schaeffer , give him this , " he said . " It 's my brother - in - law 's address . I haven 't settled on a hotel yet . " He was not really disappointed to find Paris was so empty . But the stillness in the Ritz bar was strange and portentous . It was not an American bar any more - he felt polite in it , and not as if he owned it . It had gone back into France . He felt the stillness from the moment he got out of the taxi and saw the doorman , usually in a frenzy of activity at this hour , gossiping with a chasseur by the servants ' entrance . Passing through the corridor , he heard only a single , bored voice in the once - clamorous women 's room . When he turned into the bar he travelled the twenty feet of green carpet with his eyes fixed straight ahead by old habit ; and then , with his foot firmly on the rail , he turned and surveyed the room , encountering only a single pair of eyes that fluttered up from a newspaper in the corner . Charlie asked for the head barman , Paul , who in the latter days of the bull market had come to work in his own custom - built car - disembarking , however , with due nicety at the nearest corner . But Paul was at his country house today and Alix giving him information . " I haven 't been to America for months . I 'm in business in Prague , representing a couple of concerns there . They don 't know about me down there . " Alix lowered his voice confidentially : " He 's in Paris , but he doesn 't come here any more . Paul doesn 't allow it . He ran up a bill of thirty thousand francs , charging all his drinks and his lunches , and usually his dinner , for more than a year . And when Paul finally told him he had to pay , he gave him a bad check . " " Nothing affects them , " he thought . " Stocks rise and fall , people loaf or work , but they go on forever . " The place oppressed him . He called for the dice and shook with Alix for the drink . Outside , the fire - red , gas - blue , ghost - green signs shone smokily through the tranquil rain . It was late afternoon and the streets were in movement ; the bistros gleamed . At the corner of the Boulevard des Capucines he took a taxi . The Place de la Concorde moved by in pink majesty ; they crossed the logical Seine , and Charlie felt the sudden provincial quality of the Left Bank . Charlie directed his taxi to the Avenue de L ' Opera , which was out of his way . But he wanted to see the blue hour spread over the magnificent facade , and imagine that the cab horns , playing endlessly the first few bars of La plus que Lente , were the trumpets of the Second Empire . They were closing the iron grill in front of Brentano 's bookstore , and people were already at dinner behind the trim little bourgeois hedge of Duval 's . He had never eaten at a really cheap restaurant in Paris . Five - course dinner , four francs fifty , eighteen cents , wine included . For some odd reason he wished that he had . He was thirty - five , and good to look at . The Irish mobility of his face was sobered by a deep wrinkle between his eyes . As he rang his brother - in - law 's bell in the Rue Palatine , the wrinkle deepened till it pulled down his brows ; he felt a cramping sensation in his belly . From behind the maid who opened the door darted a lovely little girl of nine who shrieked " Daddy ! " and flew up , struggling like a fish , into his arms . She pulled his head around by one ear and set her cheek against his . She drew him into the salon , where the family waited , a boy and girl his daughter 's age , his sister - in - law and her husband . He greeted Marion with his voice pitched carefully to avoid either feigned enthusiasm or dislike , but her response was more frankly tepid , though she minimized her expression of unalterable distrust by directing her regard toward his child . The two men clasped hands in a friendly way and Lincoln Peters rested his for a moment on Charlie 's shoulder . The room was warm and comfortably American . The three children moved intimately about , playing through the yellow oblongs that led to other rooms ; the cheer of six o ' clock spoke in the eager smacks of the fire and the sounds of French activity in the kitchen . But Charlie did not relax ; his heart sat up rigidly in his body and he drew confidence from his daughter , who from time to time came close to him , holding in her arms the doll he had brought . " Really extremely well , " he declared in answer to Lincoln 's question . " There 's a lot of business there that isn 't moving at all , but we 're doing even better than ever . In fact , damn well . I 'm bringing my sister over from America next month to keep house for me . My income last year was bigger than it was when I had money . You see , the Czechs - - " Marion Peters came back from the kitchen . She was a tall woman with worried eyes , who had once possessed a fresh American loveliness . Charlie had never been sensitive to it and was always surprised when people spoke of how pretty she had been . From the first there had been an instinctive antipathy between them . " I 'm delighted , " Marion said vehemently . " Now at least you can go into a store without their assuming you 're a millionaire . We 've suffered like everybody , but on the whole it 's a good deal pleasanter . " " But it was nice while it lasted , " Charlie said . " We were a sort of royalty , almost infallible , with a sort of magic around us . In the bar this afternoon " - he stumbled , seeing his mistake - " there wasn 't a man I knew . " Her dislike was evident in the coldness with which she spoke , but Charlie only smiled ; he had larger plans . Her very aggressiveness gave him an advantage , and he knew enough to wait . He wanted them to initiate the discussion of what they knew had brought him to Paris . At dinner he couldn 't decide whether Honoria was most like him or her mother . Fortunate if she didn 't combine the traits of both that had brought them to disaster . A great wave of protectiveness went over him . He thought he knew what to do for her . He believed in character ; he wanted to jump back a whole generation and trust in character again as the eternally valuable element . Everything wore out . He left soon after dinner , but not to go home . He was curious to see Paris by night with clearer and more judicious eyes than those of other days . He bought a strapontin for the Casino and watched Josephine Baker go through her chocolate arabesques . After an hour he left and strolled toward Montmartre , up the Rue Pigalle into the Place Blanche . The rain had stopped and there were a few people in evening clothes disembarking from taxis in front of cabarets , and cocottes prowling singly or in pairs , and many Negroes . He passed a lighted door from which issued music , and stopped with the sense of familiarity ; it was Bricktop 's , where he had parted with so many hours and so much money . A few doors farther on he found another ancient rendezvous and incautiously put his head inside . Immediately an eager orchestra burst into sound , a pair of professional dancers leaped to their feet and a maitre d ' hotel swooped toward him , crying , " Crowd just arriving , sir ! " But he withdrew quickly . So much for the effort and ingenuity of Montmartre . All the catering to vice and waste was on an utterly childish scale , and he suddenly realized the meaning of the word " dissipate " - to dissipate into thin air ; to make nothing out of something . In the little hours of the night every move from place to place was an enormous human jump , an increase of paying for the privilege of slower and slower motion . He woke upon a fine fall day - football weather . The depression of yesterday was gone and he liked the people on the streets . At noon he sat opposite Honoria at Le Grand Vatel , the only restaurant he could think of not reminiscent of champagne dinners and long luncheons that began at two and ended in a blurred and vague twilight . " Well , you brought me this doll . " She had it with her . " And I 've got lots of things . And we 're not rich any more , are we ? " " I want to get to know you , " he said gravely . " First let me introduce myself . My name is Charles J . Wales , of Prague . " " My husband couldn 't come this year , " she said , in answer to his question . " We 're poor as hell . So he gave me two hundred a month and told me I could do my worst on that … This your little girl ? " " Can 't do it . " He was glad for an excuse . As always , he felt Lorraine 's passionate , provocative attraction , but his own rhythm was different now . " Charlie , I believe you 're sober , " she said judicially . " I honestly believe he 's sober , Dunc . Pinch him and see if he 's sober . " " There ! That 's what I want to do , " Lorraine said . " I want to see some clowns and acrobats and jugglers . That 's just what we 'll do , Dunc . " At the Empire , Honoria proudly refused to sit upon her father 's folded coat . She was already an individual with a code of her own , and Charlie was more and more absorbed by the desire of putting a little of himself into her before she crystallized utterly . It was hopeless to try to know her in so short a time . " Of course I do . But you won 't always like me best , honey . You 'll grow up and meet somebody your own age and go marry him and forget you ever had a daddy . " They were waiting . Marion sat behind the coffee service in a dignified black dinner dress that just faintly suggested mourning . Lincoln was walking up and down with the animation of one who had already been talking . They were as anxious as he was to get into the question . He opened it almost immediately : " I 'm awfully anxious to have a home , " he continued . " And I 'm awfully anxious to have Honoria in it . I appreciate your taking in Honoria for her mother 's sake , but things have changed now " - he hesitated and then continued more forcibly - " changed radically with me , and I want to ask you to reconsider the matter . It would be silly for me to deny that about three years ago I was acting badly - - " " - but all that 's over . As I told you , I haven 't had more than a drink a day for over a year , and I take that drink deliberately , so that the idea of alcohol won 't get too big in my imagination . You see the idea ? " " Something like that . Sometimes I forget and don 't take it . But I try to take it . Anyhow , I couldn 't afford to drink in my position . The people I represent are more than satisfied with what I 've done , and I 'm bringing my sister over from Burlington to keep house for me , and I want awfully to have Honoria too . You know that even when her mother and I weren 't getting along well we never let anything that happened touch Honoria . I know she 's fond of me and I know I 'm able to take care of her and - well , there you are . How do you feel about it ? " Lincoln spoke first : " We 've been talking it over ever since we got your letter last month . We 're happy to have Honoria here . She 's a dear little thing , and we 're glad to be able to help her , but of course that isn 't the question - - " " My duty is entirely to Helen , " she said . " I try to think what she would have wanted me to do . Frankly , from the night you did that terrible thing you haven 't really existed for me . I can 't help that . She was my sister . " After a moment 's silence Lincoln said : " We 're getting off the subject . You want Marion to set aside her legal guardianship and give you Honoria . I think the main point for her is whether she has confidence in you or not . " " I don 't blame Marion , " Charlie said slowly , " but I think she can have entire confidence in me . I had a good record up to three years ago . Of course , it 's within human possibilities I might go wrong any time . But if we wait much longer I 'll lose Honoria 's childhood and my chance for a home . " He shook his head , " I 'll simply lose her , don 't you see ? " " I suppose I did , from time to time , but Helen and I were getting along badly . When I consented to the guardianship , I was flat on my back in a sanitarium and the market had cleaned me out . I knew I 'd acted badly , and I thought if it would bring any peace to Helen , I 'd agree to anything . But now it 's different . I 'm functioning , I 'm behaving damn well , so far as - - " He looked at her , startled . With each remark the force of her dislike became more and more apparent . She had built up all her fear of life into one wall and faced it toward him . This trivial reproof was possibly the result of some trouble with the cook several hours before . Charlie became increasingly alarmed at leaving Honoria in this atmosphere of hostility against himself ; sooner or later it would come out , in a word here , a shake of the head there , and some of that distrust would be irrevocably implanted in Honoria . But he pulled his temper down out of his face and shut it up inside him ; he had won a point , for Lincoln realized the absurdity of Marion 's remark and asked her lightly since when she had objected to the word " damn . " " Another thing , " Charlie said : " I 'm able to give her certain advantages now . I 'm going to take a French governess to Prague with me . I 've got a lease on a new apartment - - " " I suppose you can give her more luxuries than we can , " said Marion . " When you were throwing away money we were living along watching every ten francs … I suppose you 'll start doing it again . " " Oh , no , " he said . " I 've learned . I worked hard for ten years , you know - until I got lucky in the market , like so many people . Terribly lucky . It didn 't seem any use working any more , so I quit . It won 't happen again . " There was a long silence . All of them felt their nerves straining , and for the first time in a year Charlie wanted a drink . He was sure now that Lincoln Peters wanted him to have his child . " I can 't help what I think ! " she cried out suddenly . " How much you were responsible for Helen 's death , I don 't know . It 's something you 'll have to square with your own conscience . " " Do what you like ! " she cried , springing up from her chair . " She 's your child . I 'm not the person to stand in your way . I think if it were my child I 'd rather see her - " She managed to check herself . " You two decide it . I can 't stand this . I 'm sick . I 'm going to bed . " He was still trembling when he reached the street , but a walk down the Rue Bonaparte to the quais set him up , and as he crossed the Seine , fresh and new by the quai lamps , he felt exultant . But back in his room he couldn 't sleep . The image of Helen haunted him . Helen whom he had loved so until they had senselessly begun to abuse each other 's love , tear it into shreds . On that terrible February night that Marion remembered so vividly , a slow quarrel had gone on for hours . There was a scene at the Florida , and then he attempted to take her home , and then she kissed young Webb at a table ; after that there was what she had hysterically said . When he arrived home alone he turned the key in the lock in wild anger . How could he know she would arrive an hour later alone , that there would be a snowstorm in which she wandered about in slippers , too confused to find a taxi ? Then the aftermath , her escaping pneumonia by a miracle , and all the attendant horror . They were " reconciled , " but that was the beginning of the end , and Marion , who had seen with her own eyes and who imagined it to be one of many scenes from her sister 's martyrdom , never forgot . Going over it again brought Helen nearer , and in the white , soft light that steals upon half sleep near morning he found himself talking to her again . She said that he was perfectly right about Honoria and that she wanted Honoria to be with him . She said she was glad he was being good and doing better . She said a lot of other things - very friendly things - but she was in a swing in a white dress , and swinging faster and faster all the time , so that at the end he could not hear clearly all that she said . He woke up feeling happy . The door of the world was open again . He made plans , vista , futures for Honoria and himself , but suddenly he grew sad , remembering all the plans he and Helen had made . She had not planned to die . The present was the thing - work to do and someone to love . But not to love too much , for he knew the injury that a father can do to a daughter or a mother to a son by attaching them too closely : afterward , out in the world , the child would seek in the marriage partner the same blind tenderness and , failing probably to find it , turn against love and life . It was another bright , crisp day . He called Lincoln Peters at the bank where he worked and asked if he could count on taking Honoria when he left for Prague . Lincoln agreed that there was no reason for delay . One thing - the legal guardianship . Marion wanted to retain that a while longer . She was upset by the whole matter , and it would oil things if she felt that the situation was still in her control for another year . Charlie agreed , wanting only the tangible , visible child . Then the question of a governess . Charlie sat in a gloomy agency and talked to a cross Bearnaise and to a buxom Breton peasant , neither of whom he could have endured . There were others whom he would see tomorrow . " There 's another thing . " Lincoln hesitated . " While you and Helen were tearing around Europe throwing money away , we were just getting along . I didn 't touch any of the prosperity because I never got ahead enough to carry anything but my insurance . I think Marion felt there was some kind of injustice in it - you not even working toward the end , and getting richer and richer . " " Yes , a lot of it stayed in the hands of chasseurs and saxophone players and maitres d ' hotel - well , the big party 's over now . I just said that to explain Marion 's feeling about those crazy years . If you drop in about six o ' clock tonight before Marion 's too tired , we 'll settle the details on the spot . " You were so strange when we saw you the other day that I wondered if I did something to offend you . If so , I 'm not conscious of it . In fact , I have thought about you too much for the last year , and it 's always been in the back of my mind that I might see you if I came over here . We did have such good times that crazy spring , like the night you and I stole the butcher 's tricycle , and the time we tried to call on the president and you had the old derby rim and the wire cane . Everybody seems so old lately , but I don 't feel old a bit . Couldn 't we get together some time today for old time 's sake ? I 've got a vile hang - over for the moment , but will be feeling better this afternoon and will look for you about five in the sweat - shop at the Ritz . His first feeling was one of awe that he had actually , in his mature years , stolen a tricycle and pedalled Lorraine all over the Etoile between the small hours and dawn . In retrospect it was a nightmare . Locking out Helen didn 't fit in with any other act of his life , but the tricycle incident did - it was one of many . How many weeks or months of dissipation to arrive at that condition of utter irresponsibility ? He tried to picture how Lorraine had appeared to him then - very attractive ; Helen was unhappy about it , though she said nothing . Yesterday , in the restaurant , Lorraine had seemed trite , blurred , worn away . He emphatically did not want to see her , and he was glad Alix had not given away his hotel address . It was a relief to think , instead , of Honoria , to think of Sundays spent with her and of saying good morning to her and of knowing she was there in his house at night , drawing her breath in the darkness . He saw , when he arrived in the apartment , that Marion had accepted the inevitable . She greeted him now as though he were a recalcitrant member of the family , rather than a menacing outsider . Honoria had been told she was going ; Charlie was glad to see that her tact made her conceal her excessive happiness . Only on his lap did she whisper her delight and the question " When ? " before she slipped away with the other children . " Family quarrels are bitter things . They don 't go according to any rules . They 're not like aches or wounds ; they 're more like splits in the skin that won 't heal because there 's not enough material . I wish you and I could be on better terms . " " Some things are hard to forget , " she answered . " It 's a question of confidence . " There was no answer to this and presently she asked , " When do you propose to take her ? " It was warm here , it was a home , people together by a fire . The children felt very safe and important ; the mother and father were serious , watchful . They had things to do for the children more important than his visit here . A spoonful of medicine was , after all , more important than the strained relations between Marion and himself . They were not dull people , but they were very much in the grip of life and circumstances . He wondered if he couldn 't do something to get Lincoln out of his rut at the bank . A long peal at the door - bell ; the bonne а tout faire passed through and went down the corridor . The door opened upon another long ring , and then voices , and the three in the salon looked up expectantly ; Richard moved to bring the corridor within his range of vision , and Marion rose . Then the maid came back along the corridor , closely followed by the voices , which developed under the light into Duncan Schaeffer and Lorraine Quarrles . They both slid down another cascade of laughter . Anxious and at a loss , Charlie shook hands with them quickly and presented them to Lincoln and Marion . Marion nodded , scarcely speaking . She had drawn back a step toward the fire ; her little girl stood beside her , and Marion put an arm about her shoulder . This made no impression . Lorraine sat down suddenly on the side of a chair , and focussing her eyes on Richard , cried , " Oh , what a nice little boy ! Come here , little boy . " Richard glanced at his mother , but did not move . With a perceptible shrug of her shoulders , Lorraine turned back to Charlie : Her voice became suddenly unpleasant . " All right , we 'll go . But I remember once when you hammered on my door at four A . M . I was enough of a good sport to give you a drink . Come on , Dunc . " Left alone , Charlie sat tense in his chair . In the next room he could hear the children eating , talking in monosyllables , already oblivious to the scene between their elders . He heard a murmur of conversation from a farther room and then the ticking bell of a telephone receiver picked up , and in a panic he moved to the other side of the room and out of earshot . In a minute Lincoln came back . " Look here , Charlie . I think we 'd better call off dinner for tonight . Marion 's in bad shape . " Charlie got up . He took his coat and hat and started down the corridor . Then he opened the door of the dining room and said in a strange voice , " Good night , children . " Charlie went directly to the Ritz bar with the furious idea of finding Lorraine and Duncan , but they were not there , and he realized that in any case there was nothing he could do . He had not touched his drink at the Peters ' , and now he ordered a whisky - and - soda . Paul came over to say hello . " It 's a great change , " he said sadly . " We do about half the business we did . So many fellows I hear about back in the States lost everything , maybe not in the first crash , but then in the second . Your friend George Hardt lost every cent , I hear . Are you back in the States ? " " Marion 's sick , " Lincoln answered shortly . " I know this thing isn 't altogether your fault , but I can 't have her go to pieces about it . I 'm afraid we 'll have to let it slide for six months ; I can 't take the chance of working her up to this state again . " He went back to his table . His whisky glass was empty , but he shook his head when Alix looked at it questioningly . There wasn 't much he could do now except send Honoria some things ; he would send her a lot of things tomorrow . He thought rather angrily that this was just money - he had given so many people money … He would come back some day ; they couldn 't make him pay forever . But he wanted his child , and nothing was much good now , beside that fact . He wasn 't young any more , with a lot of nice thoughts and dreams to have by himself . He was absolutely sure Helen wouldn 't have wanted him to be so alone . Honoria was to spend the following afternoon with him . At dinner he couldn 't decide whether she was most like him or her mother . Fortunate if she didn 't combine the traits of both that had brought them to disaster . A great wave of protectiveness went over him . He thought he knew what to do for her . He believed in character ; he wanted to jump back a whole generation and trust in character again as the eternally valuable element . Everything wore out now . Parents expected genius , or at least brilliance , and both the forcing of children and the fear of forcing them , the fear of warping natural abilities , were poor substitutes for that long , careful watchfulness , that checking and balancing and reckoning of accounts , the end of which was that there should be no slipping below a certain level of duty and integrity . |
Hello . My name is James . Yes , I am that James , the one everyone has been talking about . I am the one who is supposed to be dead . 1 . This is the last post that will ever be on this blog . This blog was technically my brother 's , although its posts were almost entirely focused on events concerning me . 2 . I am clearly not 8 years old anymore . Although I do not know my exact age , I am probably somewhere between 20 and 40 . There may be a way for scientists to figure out my age , but I do not know . Something in there is different from how it is here . I suspect it has something to do with light speeds , although I did not have sufficient education in the sciences in Father 's realm . Now let me tell you what has happened over the course of these years . I do not remember much from when I was first taken , but I remember that I had been seeing Father for a short period before he took me . I called him Locust at that point when I talked to him because he suggested that name to me . I also know I voluntarily went with him . Something about him was just attractive . Even if I had known how long I would be trapped with him , I do not think I would have resisted . He was just too powerful in his way . Father took me up into the mountains and kept me there for a few years . Again , I do not know how many . I was too young to even think of keeping track . I was never there alone . There were always one or two other children there , along with Father from time to time . Father was never there long , and he just stood in the corner and watched us . After my time in the mountains , I was just moved down to the base of the mountains . Just out of the blue , I wasn 't up high , looking out over the plain . I was on it . There were many people down there . There were camps set up . That was when I realized I needed to get out . The people on the plain were just like me , but older and hungrier . There was barely anything to eat on the plain save for some strange , hairy rodents . I talked to almost nobody before I decided to back into the mountains . That 's when I saw what Rye called the Howler . Except I just called him Brother in my mind . He was related to Father somehow , and that was the easiest way for me to remember . The closer I was to the cave , the more I could exploit the imagination of anything I wanted . I imagined books , I got books . I imagined food , I got food - - albeit a bit tasteless . The books was how I managed to learn over the years . I had a lot of time on my hands . I saw there were just random letters on the page . On another page I saw the words " YOU WILL NEVER FIND HIM " . Before Brother managed to grab them back - - which was easy , considering how long his reach was - - I tore a corner from both pages . I tore a corner from every page I managed to grab over the years . And I waited a long time to gather enough . Luckily I was able to scrounge a pencil and pen as well , so I was able to pass messages on to Rye . At that point I realized how much older than Rye I was . I knew he would come to save me , but I did not know of any way to tell him I was older now . I also did not know if he would even recognize me . And most importantly , I did not know how we would escape . That is why I waited to tell him to come for me until I figured out a way . When I did figure out a way , Brother was already gone . I had to force the clues to Rye myself , sneaking into the cave and putting the notes through the rift every time Father left . That was the way I had figured we would get out . I could not go myself , because the rift had to be supported so a human body could pass through . Someone had to hold it open while the other passed through . However , the rift stayed open long enough for me to pass a note through . I hoped the notes would get to Rye . I had no idea where Father was going , but fewer children had come through since Brother had disappeared . I thought he was more preoccupied with me and Rye , just from what I had picked up from him . So I hoped he was going to Rye , so the messages would at least be near my brother . Then , finally , Rye came . I knew he was coming , because Father 's world gets upset when someone intrudes . The sky turned a darker shade , and wind whipped across the mountains and down onto the plain . But it abated a few days later . Rye had failed . A year later , he came again . This time he got all the way here . He was wearing a survival backpack , and he looked as if he was about to collapse . He looked almost the same , except he was so haggard and thin . He held a knife in front of him . We waited a few months , at least . Time was very strange at this point . Rye had upset something in the balance . Some days lasted forever , and some were very short . But finally , Father was there . And he left shortly after he arrived . We ran to the rift he left behind , and I held it open until Rye got to me . He told me to go first . I stepped through the rift and I was back home . I was literally in my front yard . I turned to hold it open for Rye , but then I saw what I had left behind . Reilly was being dragged backwards by his feet . Father had an arm wrapped around Rye 's legs , and was pulling him fast . As I watched , Rye reached back , into the backpack that was dragged behind him . He withdrew a gun as he was approaching Father . He aimed , and shot directly at Father . Nothing happened . The bullet was just gone . Rye was still being dragged forward . I screamed and lunged back into the rift . That 's when Father noticed me . He threw Rye against the wall , and lunged towards me . I did not mean to do it . I jerked backwards , and my fingers slipped from the rift . It closed just as Father 's arms reached through for me . They sheared where the rift closed , and lay twitching at my feet . I had gone through all the possibilities in my head . I knew there was a great chance one of us would get hurt or killed . But seeing Rye get trapped in there like I had was so much worse than just thinking about it . I just sat on the ground for a few moments before getting up and running to the house . I rang the doorbell and waited . Mom opened the door . Dad was in the kitchen . I think I posted it on my Twitter , but Danny 's funeral was Friday , and James 's was yesterday . I barely got through Danny 's funeral . His parents weren 't even crying , they were just frozen in their seats . I didn 't even see them blink . Aidan , Katie , Danielle , Alex , and even Mike were all there . I tried to say something for Danny , but I couldn 't . My throat just closed . I had to walk down the aisle in front of all the mourners . I feel like they knew it was my fault . Then there was James 's funeral . Tons of people came to pay their respects to the eight year old who isn 't even dead . I couldn 't stand it . I went out a back door as everyone was filing in . I walked home . It wasn 't too far . My head had been hurting all week , really badly . Even though it had been fairly nice outside ( it is spring , after all ) , I just stayed in my room . Every time I got up to go downstairs or to the bathroom I got really dizzy . Like , borderline fainting dizzy . But when I got home and sat down on the porch , I felt a sort of pop in my ears , like something had broken . And my headache was completely gone . I looked around , just testing to see if I was still dizzy . I wasn 't . But I saw someone walking down the driveway . He was in a black suit . I knew it was him . I knew I needed to meet him , head on , so I could get James back . And he knew I was there . I ran after him , across the grass and down the driveway . But the second I lost sight of him behind a tree , he was gone . When I rounded the bend in the driveway , well - - Our driveway wasn 't there any more . It stopped abruptly , and little wood chips began where the driveway ended . It was the goddamn playground , the sick twisted warped hellish playground I went through James 's closet to find . It was completely deserted , though . Locust wasn 't anywhere I could see . I tried to go into the playground , but I hit something and fell back . I turned to get up , and I saw someone walking in the playground out of the corner of my eye . I sprang to my feet and turned around . I was ready to punch or kick whatever was keeping me back from getting to Locust , but then I saw it wasn 't Locust . I think I started crying . I don 't even know . Somebody else walked into the frame behind him . It was Ken . He looked serious , but he nodded at me and said , " Danny is correct . These are forces you can 't help . " I just nodded . I couldn 't do anything else . My legs gave out and I sat on the ground , staring up at them . Danny turned , and faces away from me . He gestured to someone behind him , and then turned back . He looked so somber now . The person he had been motioning walked up to the window now , and I saw who it was . Katie was standing behind the glass . She smiled and said , " Hey Rye . Don 't worry about us . We might even get back . Just make sure everyone else is safe . Get your brother back . And trust our friends . We trust you . " " You need to go back and get James . I saw what you were seeing just now . That means that Katie 's dead now , too . Do you get that ? Katie . Is . Dead . Do you want anyone else to die ? " " I didn 't really think so . " He laughed . " I don 't know how you 're going to get James back , but I brought you a survival kit . " I 've seen Mr . Slim before . I know what he 's capable of . And I don 't think knives or anything like that will hurt him . So I brought you Ken 's gun . I took it from the house before my parents took his stuff . " He took off his backpack and unzipped it . He stuck his hand in and felt around for a second before finding what he was looking for . He took out a white pistol . There were carvings up the sides of the handle , little carvings of trees , branches , vines . " I loaded it already . And take the backpack . There 's real military rations inside , from my dad . Go tonight or tomorrow , before any more of us die . That 's two of us , plus Ken . Do it for all of us , not just James . " He left the backpack on the ground and ran to the bottom of the driveway . His bike was there . He rode off and left me standing in the middle of the driveway . I must have stood there a while , because I saw my parents ' car turning into the driveway . I was still holding the pistol in my hand , so I shoved it into the backpack and ran toward the house . I went around to the back of the house , near the pond . I waited out there until late yesterday before I went in . Then I had to deal with my parents , asking where I had gone . They didn 't even yell at me , just asked me . I could hear how exhausted they were . I didn 't want to hurt them any more . I answered all their questions , then hugged both of them and told them I loved them . I 'm going back through the closet as soon as this post publishes . I 'm not coming back until I find James , or until I starve . Here 's to hoping we both end up alive , and my friends too . But I don 't think that 's likely . I 've been hitting my head on the wall . That hasn 't helped the headache . I 'm sure my parents wondered what the banging is . A shower got rid of the blood . I haven 't had the will to type anything up lately . All my energy has been sapped . I don 't even feel like writing this , but I know people want to see what 's happening . Good Lord , this isn 't why I started a blog . I started this blog to write about my life , about music I love , about my sports . And now it 's turned into some sort of exploitation of my brother 's goddamn abduction . Now Danny 's disappearance , too . Nobody ever deserves this . My family doesn 't deserve this . I don 't have any energy . I helped with the search parties for Danny . I described him to the police , when I last saw him , if he was acting strange ( he wasn 't ) , so on . They weren 't very optimistic . Danny was - - is - - seventeen . Usually seventeen - year - olds don 't go missing . And of course I couldn 't say anything about Locust . I can just feel everything piling on my head , all the stress weighing me down . I have friends ' lives in my hands . And I can 't tell the police , because they 'll think I did something to Danny . They already think my mental health was affected by our ordeal with James . To top it all off , remember that I mentioned my parents were talking about the funeral ? Well , the funeral is the weekend after this . They told me this morning . I told them I knew they were planning it already , and then I just went back to my room and didn 't say anything else . My dad left for work without saying goodbye to me or my mom . I haven 't seen anything chaotic , anything that could let me find Locust or James . It 's strange , now , how I automatically think of James and Locust together . I need to find something bad , no matter how much it hurts the people involved . I think even a car accident would be fine . Anything in this area would be fine , because not much happens . James 's abduction and Danny 's disappearance were , in fact , the largest happenings since a serial killer in the 80s . Now the police are afraid the newspapers are going to run big articles about this . They 're afraid the reporters will be able to piece together that both people were on the swim team . I hope the news people do find that out . It would be the best way to protect the others without me telling them . I finally managed to make Mike talk to me two days ago . I had seen him at swim practice since Wednesday , but I was always too busy swimming or talking to someone else to actually go up to him and ask him about it . Even though I should have , I just didn 't . So on Saturday , I saw him at the mall . Completely by chance , I was just getting some clothes with my mom . He was just sitting on a bench on the second floor , drinking something . My mom went into the bookstore , and I went over to Mike . He looked dazed , and quite disheveled . He also looked very , very upset . I sat down on the bench next to him and said , " Hey , Mike . " He jumped and almost let go of his drink . He hadn 't even seen me walk over . I almost laughed , but I stopped myself because I knew that would have been mean . Now he didn 't look confused . He just looked nervous again . He leaned closer to me and said , " You mean Mr . Slim , don 't you ? Mr . Slim is Locust , isn 't he ? Tall guy in a suit , right ? " I tried to interrupt . Mike had been talking to Locust . I was on the right track . But I didn 't interrupt , I just closed my mouth and listened . " You and I were the only ones who saw anything in the parking lot at the hotel . Well , I didn 't see anything , I more . . . felt something . It felt like something had gone through my stomach , and then I just felt so weak I fell down . I saw you coming out the door . I couldn 't turn my head to see where the others were , but I just knew they weren 't there . I tried crawling toward you , and then I saw him . " " You saw Loc - - Mr . Slim ? I went inside because I had seen him earlier . I shouldn 't have . I should have warned you guys . Oh God , I 'm so sorry . " Mike just gave me a haunted look and went on . " He was standing in the little alcove by the door . You came out the door , and I just felt the strongest urge to turn away and scream , but I asked you that question . And I know the answer now . You did bring him here . " He buried his head in his hands . " You fell down next to me after I asked you that . You were unconscious . And Mr . Slim was walking toward us . I don 't know what happened to me , but I still wasn 't able to get up . I tried to get up to run , to get away , but I couldn 't . " God . Well . He was pretty close when I blacked out too . But I woke up in bed . When I got out of bed , I noticed I had a little note folded up in my pocket . It said , in this cursive script , ' Six of you . One week . Then you begin to disappear . ' " He leaned even closer to me . " He means us , Reilly . The six of us who were out there . He 's going to take us , like he took your little brother . " And Locust did . Danny is gone . The swim team is fundraising for his family and organizing search parties . They aren 't going to find him either . But Mike said something else , something that mattered more to me . He said , as his last words before he got up from the bench and left , " Whatever Mr . Slim is , he likes small children and chaos . If you see either of those , I 'd advise you to turn the other way . A playground , a house burning down . . . either way . I 'd leave . And you , to me , are chaos . So I 'm leaving . Goodbye . " I 'm so sorry for not telling you what 's been happening . It 's just . . . there 's been so much going on . Everything happened at the last swim meet of the season . It was out in Long Island , 3 days in a row of races . Saturday night , the second and last night at the hotel , we swimmers decided to pull a prank on our head coach . We wanted to trash his room , but he went to bed too early . So we decided to saran wrap his car . It was pretty late , but we ran to a nearby grocery store , got five rolls of saran wrap and found his car . Only six of us were in on the prank ( including Mike . He was back to swimming a while ago , I just never asked him about Ken ) , and I got a whole video of it . Well , video of most of it , up to the point when I saw Locust . We were being really cautious , checking to see if the coach was looking out his window , and hiding if we thought he was . I was looking up at the window , and pointing the camera at the window , when it made a squeaking noise . Sort of like nails on a chalkboard , painful and metallic . The screen glitched out , went to static , and shut off . None of my friends noticed the noise , they were too involved with not tearing the saran wrap . I was trying to fix the camera when I saw him . Locust was just standing in the shadow by the corner of the hotel . I could tell he was watching us . All the blood rushed to my head and my vision got really fuzzy . I was stupid . I shouldn 't have left my friends out there with Locust standing there . I made an excuse that I had to see if the night clerk at the hotel 's front desk was telling our parents about what we were doing , and I went inside . As soon as I got in the door I felt better . I sat in the lobby for a few minutes , playing with the camera and trying to make it work again . It still doesn 't work , even now . After a while , I went back out to see if they were done , because it was almost midnight , even though I didn 't want to chance seeing Locust again . I stepped out the door , and I saw Mike crawling toward me . There was a trail of red behind him . None of the other kids were in sight . I couldn 't speak . I stammered , I don 't even know what I was going to say . He grabbed my leg and whispered something I couldn 't hear . I bent down . My legs were shaking so badly I practically fell on Mike . All I could do was nod . I sat there for a moment before I turned to run into the hotel to get help . As I got up , I saw a black pant leg directly in front of me . Except they weren 't pants . They were little masses of swarming black tentacles , forming the general shape of pants . His suit was made of tentacles , just like his hat . I woke up in my hotel bed , next to my parents ' bed . It was time to get up for breakfast . I didn 't want to know what was happening , but I had to . I got up , got dressed , and went to breakfast before my parents could wake up . I don 't know what the hell happened there , but now I know Mike knows something . Even if it 's secondhand knowledge from Ken , I need it . I need it to be " ready " for whatever James is saying I need to be ready for . I took these three days off from swimming , but I 'm going back tomorrow . And I 'm confronting Mike . I wasn 't so stupid that I didn 't gather stuff I thought I would need . After all , it was pitch dark , and windy , so I knew it was going to be deep . So I brought a flashlight , my Swiss Army knife , and a backpack I filled with little snacks . Granola bars , little cereals , stuff like that . I decided not to tell anyone in my family about this . . . escapade . They would know I was crazy . Heh , I know I 'm crazy . Especially now . So four days ago , I put the backpack on , walked into his room , opened the closet , and jumped in . I was prepared to break my legs , or at least bump hard and bruise myself . I had closed my eyes , but after a few seconds of falling , I opened them . A sense of peacefulness had come over me , a feeling that I didn 't control . In fact , I knew I should have been panicked , but I wasn 't . It was slightly less dark , and it grew brighter the longer I fell . I knew I was falling , I could hear the wind whooshing past my ears . I must have been falling for at least a minute . Then I saw the ground . It was the same ground I had seen when I had killed the Howler . Except this time it was rushing up to meet me . I didn 't even bother bracing myself for impact , I knew I was going too fast to survive . So I just closed my eyes again . I must have blacked out for a second , because I woke up and I was lying on the ground . Something must have caught me , or something really strange must have happened . HA , " really strange " , like none of this is really strange ? Impossible , more like . Impossible . I rolled over and saw the sign . A little wooden sign propped up on a stick , with the cursive engraved on it . " Let 's play , " it said . A little arrow pointed ahead , with an even smaller word saying " champain " . I stood up and saw past the sign . A field of reddish grass stretched before me . There was a severe line , cutting the green grass I was standing on from the crunchy red grass ahead . I stepped over the little line , and felt a shiver run through my body . I knew I couldn 't turn back even if I wanted to . I looked at my watch . The date was 3 - 17 - 11 . It took me 3 weeks to walk across that plain . I ran out of food and water by the end of week 1 , but every time I sat down , there was an exact clone of my water bottle and a few granola bars when I looked behind me . By the time I got to the playground , I was stumbling badly . My legs were giving out . The watch said 4 - 7 - 11 . The playground was a sick , warped vision of a normal playground . The slide stretched up for what must have been 10 stories , the swings covered with spikes . The steps were impossibly tall , and the jungle gym had nettles - - red ones - - growing and winding over it . The playground endlessly repeated , stretching to each side . It was a nightmare . I collapsed on the sand in the playground and fell asleep . I hadn 't been sleeping well on that plain , I had nightmares every night . But when I fell asleep on that playground , it was the best sleep I had ever had . When I woke up , there was a black door in front of me . It was perched on the sand . There was a grotesque door handle that looked like it was carved out of part of a bone . Attached to the door was another cursive note . I had to do it . I opened the door quickly . Before me was a pit . The pit was full of motionless bodies , bodies standing completely still , shoulder to shoulder . They each had some deformity , some part of them twisted , missing , decayed . And they all were staring at me , grinning . I couldn 't stand it . I screamed , and slammed the door closed . I turned to grab my backpack , and there was suddenly another door in front of me . It was the same color , same texture as my bedroom door . I flew through the door and blacked out again . When I woke up on my bed , the clock by my bed said it was 3 - 20 - 11 . My watch still said it was 4 - 7 - 11 . Hi ! I 'm Reilly . I 'm just a normal 16 year - old , I guess , who decided to make a blog . Yes , the blog is probably boring , but I find it fun to write . Hope you enjoy , and don 't get TOO bored . : ) |
Welcome to my little collection of short stories . Some of these are scary , some funny , and some are just plain weird ( although all are meant to be a little creepy due to Halloween coming up ) . So , for the sake of your mortality , I must warn you , these stories will make you rethink life as you know it . Just kidding . But seriously , there 's a lot of reading ahead for you . So I leave you one message ; Have fun . The great doctor Ishnarp was working hard in his lab late at night , trying to resurrect his dead pet zombie , Frank . It had just sat up for a second , but looked at the doctor with wide eyes , and died again . The doctor went to his notes and recorded what had just happened . At that very moment , Ishnarp 's newly hired intern , DirtMan walked in . " Hi . " He said , just standing at the entrance to the doctor 's lab and staring . " Hello . " Ishnarp replied back . " Do ya need anything ? " DirtMan asked . " No , nothing at all . " Ishnarp answered , sidetracked by his notes . " Okie dokie . " DirtMan said . He then turned to the table where the rotting corpse of Frank lay . " What 's this ? " The doctor looked up from his notes . He hesitated before saying , " An . . . . experiment . " DirtMan curiously poked Frank . He sat up , looked at him , and went " Shhhh ! " He then lay back down , pretending to be dead . " Err . . . " DirtMan said . He then turned to walk out , but the doctor finished writing and looking over his notes and stopped him in his tracks . " DirtMan , after looking over my notes , I noticed I 'm missing one key ingredient . You . " " Me ? " DirtMan asked , a bit surprised . " Yes . You see , I need a type of natural resource to use on the zombie . It seems to be scared of me , and giving it a natural resource may remind it of its birthplace , giving it a feeling of comfort . That 's where you come in . I take a small chunk of your dirt , make it into a potion , and give it to the zombie . " Said the doctor . " Me ? " Repeated DirtMan . He was a bit worried , knowing that the last time he was used for an experiment , it didn 't go so well ( See " The Bride Of DirtMan " ) . The doctor stepped up to DirtMan , broke a chunk off of his shoulder , and then quickly ran over to the cauldron and dropped it in . " Now , you may go . " The doctor said , motioning towards the door . DirtMan exited the lab . The doctor then resumed his work . Later that night , the doctor had decided to go to bed , as he was very tired . He exited the lab , but left the door wide open . Even later that night , a group of something had gotten into the lab . They bounced their way towards the cauldron , and when they where in front of it , the leader of the group shouted , " Geronimo ! " and jumped in . The others followed , and the mixture sizzled and popped , and after a very long time , the remains of the creatures floated to the surface ; Melted chocolate chips and cookie dough . The next morning , the doctor went to the lab to find Frank in a different position than the day before . Ishnarp ignored this and went straight to the cauldron . He noticed a bit of discoloration , but just went on with adding ingredients . He soon finished the potion and called in DirtMan . " I want you to witness the creation of secondhand life . " Ishnarp walked over to the table and rolled his zombie over . He opened his mouth , took the cork off the potion , and poured it in . The zombie 's eyes sprung open . It sat up . " FINALLY ! " Ishnarp happily yelled . But something was amiss . The zombie wasn 't moving . It started making grunting sounds . All of the sudden , it started to turn light brown . It then grew little bumps that looked like chocolate chips . " W - what ? " The doctor was shocked and took a step back . The zombie then started to turn into a circle - ish shape . When he was changing , he looked like a giant cookie , but with a face . DirtMan immediately recognized this cookie , and grabbed the doctor , " Wha - " He said , but was cut off by DirtMan . " No time to explain , we need to go . " The doctor followed DirtMahn as the giant cookie began to follow . They left the building and ran to a nearby forest . They dug a hole and fell into a cave . DirtMan sealed the hole , put down some torches , and blocked off the rest of the cave . " What just happened ? Why did you take me here ? What happened to Frank ? " Ishnarp asked DirtMan many questions . DirtMan started to explain , " That potion had something in it . Something that caused the zombie , Frank , to transform into a giant living cookie known as ' Monster Cookie . ' Something got into that potion that - " DirtMan cut himself off . He remembers the little duplicates of Monster Cookie that he had escaped . " The duplicates ! " He shouted in anger . " They must have gotten into the mixture ! " " Duplicates ? " Asked Ishnarp . DirtMan then proceeded to retell the previous events involving Monster Cookie to Ishnarp . At the end , his mouth hung in awe . " So , my pet zombie has basically become the host of this ' Monster Cookie ' ? " AThe Monster Cookie had vanished . DirtMan still ran to the lab and looked for Ishnarp . He was standing over the cauldron . " I think I found a way to reverse the effects of the potion ! But it will take some time . But , wait , where is the Monst - " Before Ishnarp could finish , the Cookie burst through the ceiling . Ishnarp grabbed the cauldron and ran out for the lab . " GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES AND I ' LL HAVE THE ANTIDOTE ! " yelled Ishnarp , obviously troubled and scared . DirtMan became angry , thinking of what the Monster cost him . " You took my uncle 's life , now its time I take yours ! " He jumped on top of the Cookie and stabbed its eye with the sword . The Monster then became very angry . It fell back . DirtMan jumped off him and ran over to a random cabinet . He grabbed a random potion , opened it up , and splashed it on the Cookie . It then grew limbs and became larger in size . DirtMan looked at the potion label , " Enhancement / Evolution Serum . " DirtMan hesitated , The monster stood back up . DirtMan pulled out a bow . He drew back the arrow . He shot the monster . No effect . He tried again . Still no effect . Then , as he was about to take his third shot , IshNarp stopped him . " I finished the potion ! Catch ! " He threw it to DirtMan . DirtMan caught it . He then coated the point of his arrow in it and shot the monster . It groaned and shrank to the size of a human . It changed back into Frank , who stood there for two seconds and then fainted . Ishnarp put him on the table he was on before turning into Monster Cookie . " Well , looks like I 'm going to have to repair the lab . Thank you for saving Frank and I , intern , but you 're fired . " Ishnarp said . " I assumed as much . " Said DirtMan . " But about the building , I have an idea . " " What is it ? " Asked Ishnarp . " It involves miniature cookies , wolves , and lots of Franks . " DirtMan said with a slight grin . " Oh my . . . I 'll , err . . . . look into it . " Ishnarp said nervously . " I finished the potion ! Catch ! " He threw it to DirtMan . DirtMan didn 't hear and turned at the wrong time . The potion hit him straight in the face . He yelled in pain . The Monster Cookie looked away from DirtMan and towards the source of the potion ; The Doctor . It quickly ran over and grabbed Ishnarp . DirtMan looked up as the pain of the toxic potion wore off and saw the Cookie running off with Ishnarp in hand . DirtMan ran after his but started to notice where it was heading : the jungle . It ran over and DirtMan followed in a hot pursuit . It then went to the tallest tree in the jungle and climbed up it . It stood at the top . The tree was at least 120 blocks high . DirtMan began climbing the vines when he stopped and noticed a flock of chickens . He then had an idea . Meanwhile , Ishnarp was trying to bite the Cookie 's hand in an attempt to eat its way through like DirtMan did to escape it before , but it had no effect . The hand just kept regrowing . Then , out of nowhere , Ishnarp saw a cloud that made the sounds of a flock of chickens flying up to him . As it got closer , he figured it out . It was a flock of chickens . He was surprised to see DirtMan riding it . DirtMan then drew his bow and was about to shoot the monster , but then remembered how it hadn 't affected him before . He decided to do the drastic thing . He threw a bunch of wheat at the Monster . The chickens quickly flew after it and ate it . They were now on the tree . The Monster roared at DirtMan . At that moment , he got another great idea . He pulled out more wheat and jumped into the monster . The chickens followed . Ishnarp didn 't know what would happen to DirtMan , but he heard a shout from him inside the monster , " ISHNARP , RUN ! ! ! " Ishnarp heard pecking , clucking , and many gulps . The Monster 's hand then released him . Ishnarp fell to another tree and watched as chickens devoured him from the inside out . Ishnarp didn 't see DirtMan . All he saw was the Monster Cookie dissolving as a white cloud slowly swept over it from the inside out . Ishnarp then called for DirtMan , but no response . He decided to head back to the lab . He jumped from tree to tree . When he got back to the lab , he had noticed he lost two friends today ; Frank and DirtMan . He felt sad about it , but decided to wait a few days for DirtMan to return . He never did . So , under the very tree where DirtMan killed Monster Cookie , Ishnarp left a memorial to DirtMan . A few days later , he returned and was shocked to find a note that said , " Thanks , I always wanted a statue . Especially one that reminded me of a friend . - D . M . " My name is Rocket _ 93 . I am feared in some lands , and loved in others . I 'm here to tell you of my time in " Arsenic Village , " as the strange locals called it . Let me start from the beginning . I was starving , hot , and tired . There was nothing but dirt for miles . I could feel the suns burning rays penetrating my sunburned dry skin . I needed water . And food . And sleep . The thing I thought about most was my family . My beautiful wife , Abigail , and my smart son , Connor . I missed them . I would see them soon enough , once I found the ranch . I then began to think of how great it would be to be in a snowy forest instead of a barren desert . Then , the village appeared . I was surprised . It was large , and it was snowing , too . Oddly enough , I looked around and there was snow everywhere , even though it was a desert . I ignored the random white blanket over the desert and went to a villager . This villager didn 't look like villagers from other towns . It still had the Squidward nose , but it had a small head and longer arms that were separate instead of being folded . I noticed the traits were the same for the rest of the villagers here . I asked it where I was , and it said in a dull whisper , " This is Arsenic , beware the creatures . " I wondered what he meant , but ignored it . I asked if there were any houses I could stay in or any food I could have . " We have an empty house that 's free , and it has food , weapons , tools , water , and a lone wolf . You can have it if you like . Just don 't go into the mineshaft . " I accepted the offer and quickly put my things in the chest . What the man said was true , there WAS food , weapons , tools , and water . The only thing I couldn 't find was the wolf . I decided to go around the village and look for him . I met some the villagers . After searching the whole village , I couldn 't find him . I decided to go to the last house which was made of dead wood and obsidian . I knocked on the door . No answer . I knocked again , No answer . I knocked one last time . I heard the floorboards creak , and footsteps aplenty , but still no answThe next day , I further looked around the village , but the dog was nowhere . I was bored but didn 't want to leave yet . I decided to visit the man again . He was wearing the same suit he did yesterday . " Do you ever take that suit off ? " I said , jokingly . He didn 't seem to get it , and seemed a bit confused . He then asked if I knew how to make potions . I told him I was good , but not the best . He asked me if I knew who Herobrine was . I told him yes . He started asking me things like if I 'd met him , and if I believed in curses and magic . I just responded no to the Herobrine questions and no to the curses and magic questions . He had a bit of an angry look on his face . I headed to the guest house and ate . I went to sleep . I had a dream that I was with the man in the suit . He was standing as he was . Herobrine walked up to us . While I drew my sword , the man stood there , waiting . When Herobrine came , he knocked me to the ground . I could barely see what happened , but it looked like Herobrine turned the man into some kind of creature . At that point , I woke up to a black furred dog shaking snow off and some of it landing on me . I sat up , wondering where it came from , then I got an idea . What if it came from the mineshaft ? I thought to myself . I decided to explore it . That 's where things went wrong . As I explored , found nothing but aggressive mobs , and the worst part is , I kept seeing this black thing swoop past me . Every time it went by me , the wolf started barking . I decided to leave , but just as I was about to , the man in the suit appeared . His suit was torn up and stained with blood , he had several cuts and scratches . I asked him why he was there , and he said that if he told me , I wouldn 't believe him . I told him to test me , so he did just that . He said that he worshiped Herobrine because Herobrine promised him great power . He , however , tricked the man into thinking the power would be something he could control , but the man found out the truth later . He found that the power was actually a transformation that make him a hideous yet powerful monster . He had to feed on things to survive , such as other people , or animals . The thing about the power was , the more he used it , the less he could control it . The wolf I had actually ended up becoming his friend , and would disappear for short amounts of time . Every time he came back , he told the suited man new methods to control his powers , but they only made it worse . He feared he would soon become this monster permanently . Then , when I came , he thought he could find some way for me to help . Possibly find a cure , or transfer the power , or something , but to no avail . He said all he can do now is worship Herobrine and beg he take the cursed power away , before its too late . I thought this whole thing was made up , so I laughed a bit , and said , " You should be an author ! " He saw I didn 't believe him , so he left . The next morning , I woke up to find that the man was gone . His whole house was empty , and it was now made of the same materials as the other houses . I decided to look inside the house . I found a trapdoor . I went through it to find a dark hallway . At the very end was a nether portal . I went in and found a built Herobrine shrine . There was a sign by it that said " None are forgiven , greed kills . " I knew what the sign meant . I looked to the top of the shrine to find the black wolf . I called for it , but when it turned to me , its eyes were all white . Fire charges flew from the spot it was standing and it was engulfed in flames . Where was once a black wolf was now Herobrine himself . I silently ran back through the portal , went out through the trapdoor , and set fire to the house . The villagers stared at me , but none stopped me . After the house was gone , I went into the hole that the trapdoor lead to and entered . I went to the end of the hall and destroyed the nether portal . I then set down TNT throughout the hall and exited . I lead a redstone wire to the front of the guest house , put down a lever , and triggered it . No villagers were hurt in the explosion . And I stood my ground , not moving an inch . I went into the guest house , packed my bag , and departed . I walked out of the village . I was glad to leave , and according to my map , I was close to home . I turned back to look at the village , but it was gone . No houses . No villagers . Not even the TNT crater . The one thing I saw was the black dog , staring at me with all white eyes . It couldn 't talk , of course , but I knew we were both thinking the same thing ; We 'll meet again . The next morning , I found the whole village empty . No villagers . Not even animals . I looked in the town well to find it drained out . I was a bit confused , but just looked around the town more . I went over to the man 's house . I looked inside , and was horrified . There was blood everywhere . I went up the stairs and found something even worse . A large black creature that was too horrid for words lying dead . He wore the remains of what looked to be a suit . I looked up from the body to see the wolf . It stared at me , and then a message uttered in my head . " The curse must carry on . " I pondered this message for a few seconds before screaming when I noticed what was happening . My arms were turning completely black , and my limbs were too . I uttered a yelp of pain as my back seemed to bend in all the wrong places . I examined myself . I had become the monster I was just staring at on the floor , except now , in its place was the man in the suit . Since my trip to Arsenic , things have been different . I am the creature now . I have utter power that others dream of . I can change my form into anything I want . I have found this as a gift rather than a curse . But , there is a consequence . My friends and family are convinced I 'm dead . I cannot go near them , for I may scare them , or worse . However , I have new friends . The monsters . They speak to me . They comfort me . And my family is the moonlight . But if I ever come in contact with another being , I plan to pass on my gift to them . While I enjoy the gift , it has kept me alive through events I shouldn 't live to see . I 've had it hundreds , maybe thousands of years . I just hope I do not suffer the same fate as the black suited man . The one from that deranged settlement known as " Arsenic Village . " There was once a young lad named DirtMan . He was a friend to many , but he always felt something was missing . He would see others happy , and blushing . He had no idea why , though , and then , Dr . Bruno Van Stauffen came to the rescue . You see , Dr . Stauffen is a therapist and a scientist . He likes to find the problem AND solve it , but not always in the right way . So , poor DirtMan saw Stauffen 's ad in the paper and decided to ask for his help . He walked in to see him already sitting in a chair . He pointed to a lounge chair next to him and said in his thick foreign accent , " Sit . " DirtMan proceeded to the chair and sat down . " So , what is this problem of yours ? " Asked Dr . Stauffen . " Well , ya see , I 've been kind of bored lately , and I think it may have to do with me being . . . well , single . " DirtMan blushed while saying this . Stauffen stared at him intently . He then started scratching his mustache and , observing DirtMan , he squinted his eyes . He then said " Aha ! " and pulled out a remote from his pocket . He pressed a green button and DirtMan felt a small prick on from his backside . He jumped out of his seat and turned around to find a metal claw carrying a small bit of his dirt . " What did you do ? ! ? " DirtMan yelled at Stauffen nervously . " Don 't worry , nothing lethal . I 'm just going to run some tests on your dirt . " Said Stauffen . DirtMan was horrified . " W - what will you do then ? " He asked in horror . " I 'll find some way to make you happy . " Stauffen replied , seemingly calm . While DirtMan was still horrified , this comment had somehow lightened the mood . " Err . . . okay ? " He said to Stauffen . " When are you going to see me again ? " Stauffen replied , " I 'll send someone or something to get you . " To this , DirtMan got up and left . A few weeks later , DirtMan was asleep in his dirt hut when he heard a knock on his door . He woke up and looked out the window . It was mid - morning . He rubbed his eyes and sat up in his bed . He walked to the door in his robe and slippers . He opened it to find a female Dirtperson ( much like himself ) in a bikini . " Oh , are you DirtMa - " she began to say before DirtMan shut the door . He ran up the stairs of his DirtHut . He immediately changed into his normal green speedo / underpants and immediately ran to the door again . He opened the door again to see the woman . " Oh , hello . I was going to ask if you 're DirtMa - " She was again cut off when DirtMan yelled " Yes ! " at her . He was so excited to finally have met someone . " Well , since your DirtMan , I bring word from Dr . Stauffen . He says he used your dirt and implemented girl DNA to create me , your future bride . " She said . DirtMan was almost jumping out of his dirt . He finally wouldn 't be as bored or lonely . He hid his happiness and held the door open . " Wanna come in ? " He asked . She nodded happily and walked right in . This was going to be a short week . DirtMan sat down and DirtWoman sat next to him . " So , err , what are your interests ? " He asked her . " Well , I was told that I like whatever you like . " She replied . " The doctor wanted me to become the perfect person for you . " At this , DirtMan became very happy . He ended up just going throughout his daily routine . She did everything he did . From going out and harvesting crops on the dirt roof to slouching on the couch on the bottom floor . Soon , DirtMan and DirtWoman got to know each other better . DirtMan pulled a quick one and proposed to her with a red mushroom . " Will you marry me ? " He asked her . She , of course , replied " Yes ! " They were wed on a snowy day and were wed by DAVESDAVY . But DirtMan one night , things went horribly wrong . DirtMan decided to visit Dr . Stauffen and thank him for creating DirtWoman . He entered the lab and saw everything in a mess . The lights were even flickering . DirtMan found Dr . Stauffen knocked out and lying He dashed home . As soon as he burst through the door , a crooked voice came from the fence - post table where the torch once stood on a wall . " Where have you been ? ? ? It better not have been with ANYONE ELSE . " It said . DirtMan shook his head . " No other woman , I just went to see Stauffen and tell him how well you were . " " You 're lying ! " The crooked voice said . It stood up and walked into the light . It was a deformed version of DirtWoman . DirtMan quickly ran upstairs . The new DirtWoman followed him . He broke a glass block and jumped out the window . She was in the yard , waiting for him . She caught site of him . She pulled out a knife . DirtMan tried to run , but tripped and fell over . She came up and , odd as it may be , hugged him . DirtMan shoved her off . " W - what are you doing ? ? " He asked her . She replied , " I forgive you , as long as you don 't do it again . EVER " Her face went back to normal , up until she said never , at which point it was deformed again . DirtMan screamed and ran . DirtWoman chased after him with a knife in hand . DirtMan then knew what he had to do . He turned around and ran , right past her . He ran straight for the desert . He soon reached his destination , the lava pit . He turned around and caught DirtWoman . He knew what had to be done . He held her up , and threw her in . He stood there and watched her burn . It was the end of the Bride of DirtMan . It was the end of the Bride of DirtMan . He then realized , he was now the last Dirtperson alive . He felt sad , but just walked home . A few months later , DirtMan got a knock on the door . He was in his morning robe and opened teh door . He screamed to find a burnt and ashy DirtWoman staring at him . She just stared . She then said " You 'll pay for this , DirtMan . And , to let you know , Stauffen sends his deepest regards . . . from 6 feet underground . " She then jumped on DirtMan and started choking him . Right before he was about to lose consciousness , DirtMan punched DirtWoman and got up . Before he could finish catching his breath , he ran upstairs and hid behind a note block . DirtWoman ran up the stairs . " Where are you . . . . HONEY ? ? ? ? " She said , turning her head from side to side . She then walked up to the note block . She picked it up and moved it . " THERE YOU A - " She said , just be before falling flat on her face . DirtMan saw an arrow in the back of her head . DirtMan looked up , and to his relief , Stauffen and DAVESDAVY stood at the top of the stairway . Stauffen was holding a bow , while DAVESDAVY was holding a diamond sword , seeming to be guarding the stairway . " But . . . how ? " Was all DirtMan could manage to ask or say . " Well , DirtMan , its a long story . Well , not really . A few days ago in my lab , I was working on a concoction to help another patient when DirtWoman barged in , tied me up , and started to . . . do things . She cloned herself and knocked me out . When I woke up , I was laying in a bed in a small room with two torches . A sign on the wall said , ' Die . ' and I immediately remembered what happened . At that point , I searched my lab coat when I found a phone and thought of who to call . I then remembered the man who wed you two , ' DAVESDAVY ' and I called him . He found that the room I was in was underground . Luckily , he tracked the cellphone signal and dug and mined me out of the room . I then told DAVESDAVY of what happened . We both then figured it out : she was going after you . So , we both headed to your DirtHut and found you , and that 's hoThe Circled Kind Jason , Carrey , and Jonah sat in a circle . They were waiting for their friend , Jackson , to come . They sat and soon Jason piped up . " What if he 's dead ? " He asked . " He couldn 't be dead , Jason , there 's no way he 'd died out of the blue . " Said Carrey " Yeah , he 's just late . " Jonah added on . They sat for 10 more minutes . Jason spoke again . " I 'm hungry . " He said in a whiney voice . " Fine , I 'll go kill some pigs , Carrey 'll set up the furnace and get out the coal , and you 'll just . . . . . . keep being Jason . " Said Jonah . He then walked over to the door and was about to set out when a familiar face appeared . He opened the door to find Jackson staring back at him . " Jackson ! " They all yelled in unison . Jackson showed no emotion and simply walked in . " Hello , my friends . Lovely weather , yes ? " As Jackson said this , it thundered behind him and everyone else realized it was thunderstorming . " Um . . . sure . . . " Said Jason . " Say , do you wanna sit down ? You seem a bit ill . " Asked Jonah . " No , I assure you , my friends , I 'm perfectly fine . " Jackson said . All of the sudden , when Jonah put his hand on Jackson 's shoulder , Jackson lashed out at him . " DON ' T TOUCH ME , YOU FILTHY LITTLE - " He then held his hands up , and took a step back . " I am truly sorry , humanoid ' Jonah ' " He said . Jonah was a bit creeped out . Jonah then went out the door to go hunt the pigs , and jason watched as Jackson took a seat . " Jackson , you aren 't yourself today , are you ? " asked Jason . Jackson slowly turned his head to him . " What could you possibly mean by that ? " Asked Jackson . Thunder then struck outside and , for a second , Jason saw the outline of a circular being where Jackson once sat . Jackson was then there again , and Jason was a bit nervous . He turned around and walked away . " Well , I finally got the furnace working , after breaking and re - placing it many times . " Said Carrey . Jonah then burst in the door . " PIGMEN ! EVERYWHERE ! " He yelled . he closed the door . " Did you get pork ? " Asked Carrey . " Yeah , I think this 'll be enough . " He said . He then dropped 3 stacks of 64 pork . He lookedAlternate ( Extended ) Ending After the small circular man had been struck down by lightning , they all sat down . The lightning cleared up and they all had some pork from the pigs . It had become day , and they were all very tired . But their adventure wasn 't over , yet . As they all sat around and talked , a rather loud sound had gatehred around their house . ALso , when they looked out the window , the noticed that there was a shadow cast over them , as if something were above them . They all decided to go outside . They looked up to see a giant oval - ish shape hovering just above their roof . Its underside glowed until it shot out some kind of beam in the very middle . This beam started disassembling the house . Soon , some turrets came out of the sides and shot at trees and animals , starting fires and setting off explosions . At this point , when the trio tought it couldn 't get any worse , more circular figures appeared and jumped off the hovering saucer - like machine . They attacked them and others headed off . Screams and explosions were heard in the distance . Carrey looked in horror as all the machines turrets aimed at them . Jason narrowly dodged their shots and Jonah had gotten blown away . Carrey was in bits , her armor , weapons , and inventory scattered all around . Jonah and Jason ran . They were going to have to look for others to help them . Jason looked back just in time to see the last of house disappear . His only thoughts were " And the war begins . " Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
Maybe it 's because we 're getting close to the anniversary of Richards 's death - it 's just a few months away . Or it could be because today is my birthday , and those family events cause me to reflect on the past . I 've been thinking back on that time nearly three years ago , when we found out he was gone . I still remember that awful night like yesterday . The conversation with the coroner lady . Making Debbie get her car off the road and safely parked before I told her . The heartbreak of telling her . I remember telling my boss I was leaving work , and why . The drive home is clear , as is meeting Debbie in the driveway when I got home . I know many people stopped by our house early that afternoon , but I don 't know who anymore . We got food delivered from folks , including some country ham from Carriss ' store up the street , that one of our neighbors sent over . That was one of Richard 's favorites , and a must have for Christmas mornings . We went downstairs and picked out a casket , then looked at the vaults to put the casket in . When the funeral director showed us one made from " football helmet " material , Debbie lit up . She was sure Richard would be pleased with that . I remember feeling sort of put out about it at the time , because I was looking forward to the solitude of riding my mower around for a few hours . That was very selfish and dumb of me . All those people in my yard loved Richard too . They were in pain , and didn 't know of any other good way to help us deal with this . The next day was Sunday , and the first of two days I think of as " Showtime . " It was time to put on the best face we could , and send our kid off properly . It was the last thing we could ever do for him here - the last chance to be his parents . It 's all just a big swirl of colors and faces , sounds and voices , twirling around me . It all just joins together in a massive blur . A big fog . I recall a scene from the Wizard of Oz , when the tornado picked up the house with Dorothy . The house was up in the clouds , spinning around and around . I felt much like that , but I was inside the tornado and it was spinning around and around me . We were standing in a receiving line of sorts , early in the day . Debbie , Sarah and myself , plus at least one of my sisters and my dad were in the line . We were greeting our guests . I was the last one in the line . An older man came through . I don 't know who he was . He may have known Debbie , or been married to someone that did . Or maybe he just liked going to funerals . Something about the almost casual way he said , " Sorry for your loss , " and nothing more , reminded me of my youthful days playing sports . After a ballgame , the players of each team would line up facing the other team . We 'd then walk past each other , and either shake hands or more often just slap hands and say , " Good game . Good game . Good game , " as we passed each opposing player . She 's someone I think a lot of , but I would have classified our relationship as pretty casual . That day at the funeral home was the first time I 'd seen her outside the factory we work in . It was the first time I 'd met her husband . There were hundreds of people at the visitation that day . Some of them I didn 't know , others I love dearly and they mean a great deal to me . I don 't remember anything they said . Another lady I worked with was there . She 's someone I was very fond of and I remember feeling a lot of comfort when I saw her . We talked for a long time . I can 't tell you a single word she said . That message , " Remember what you believe in , " somehow has cut through the clutter . Like a lighthouse beacon shining through the fog , it still whispers to me , " This way . Over here , follow the light . " The church was packed . I have the general impression it was a really nice service . If my kid hadn 't been laying in that oak box at the front of church , I 'm sure I would have enjoyed it . Though several years older than Richard , Chris also graduated from St X High School . So they had something of a connection . He was a long time member of the choir , but I 'd never heard him sing alone before . Susan is the wife of our choir director at that time . She was part of our bell choir , but I 'd never seen or heard her sing before . I don 't believe it 's happened again since that day . I 'm only 7 months past my son Austin 's death so many of the details are still there for me . The one I felt was most ridiculous was the box for the box . We are at the funeral home . How can I describe my child to you in a few sentences ? That just isn 't possible . Next we are downstairs in the room of caskets . I 'm unusually calm about this . Picking out the right casket - the one Austin would pick if he could . Probably the last decision I 'll need to make for him . It was easy - - it 's definitely got to be blue . We all agreed , no question . I 'm thinking good , that 's over . Then they walk us to the other side of the room and start to explain the vaults . The box for the box . This is the point it all became so absurd for me . Why do I have to make decisions about material , color , etc . for this box too ? I start to feel panicky and need to get out of this room of boxes . That was the last straw . I couldn 't care less . Grandma feels ' this one ' is necessary to keep him safe . Perfect , give me that box for THE box . The blur of people at the visitation . Four school bus loads of kids from his high school - - and this was during summer break . It really warmed my heart - but Austin felt like he didn 't have that many friends . I 'm sure he was proud of the line . The funeral the next day - - I remember the need to get to the church as early as possible . If Austin 's there , I want to be there too - - this is the last day I get to " see " him and I intend to stand there staring at him until they close the blue box . They let me tuck him in - - that was another tough moment . But I wasn 't going to let anyone else do it . He was my baby after all ! The silliest thing - - I walked down the aisle into the funeral following his casket . But that meant I head into the pew first so I ended up sitting the furthest away from Austin during the ceremony . As his mom I found that strange , and wondered if anyone else noticed . Its so strange how I have to keep reminding myself that he 's gone . My daughter started college 4 weeks after he passed . Just this last weekend , I was visiting her and we were carrying grocery bags into her dorm . A passing thought , why didn 't I bring Austin with to help carry this stuff ? And then a quick reprimand to myself . Its a daily struggle that I 'm just now starting to comprehend . I know what you mean about the box for the box . They start out showing you the really fancy one 's , so when you get to the plain concrete vault you 'll naturally say , " Yuck . " You know you can 't put your kid in that . I think the one we got cost more than the casket - for something no one will ever see . Those of us who have buried our children have had to deal with things that no other parent would even dare to imagine . Everything just so surreal - an overused word , but one that fits . Even now , 10 years later , I sit and shake my head at all the choices we had to make … so many choices , all of them feeling so laden with the horrendous weight of " Goodbye , precious child . " Our son died very unexpectedly a little over 2 - 1 / 2 years ago . He was 21 at the time , struggling with life , making poor choices , but actually finally " getting it together " somewhat , and then boom . . . his life changed . We received a call early in the morning of 09 / 23 / 2009 stating that our son had been found unconscious and paramedics were en - route with him to an area hospital . We had 100 miles to travel to get there . I remember my husband praying out - loud , " God , please breathe life into Adam , " while he drove and I made phone calls asking for others to be praying . It was as if we knew before knowing what the outcome would be . I have blocked out so much of that morning and of the days that followed , but as time moves forward , bits and pieces are coming back . The one thing I can 't erase from my mind and interestingly enough was never forgotten , is the sound of my screams when I saw the group of people waiting in the family room of the ER . As I was escorted through the doors to the family room , I saw a large group gathered in the room waiting for us . The instant I saw their faces , I knew . It was then that I screamed and collapsed in the isle of the ER . All I needed to see was their eyes . I knew instantly that our son did not make it . At that moment , it was our life that changed . You spoke of the seemingly shallow statements made during your receiving line , " Sorry for your loss , " etc . I remember well those comments and wondering in my mind , " Are you really ? Do you really mean that or are you just saying a bunch of fluff to make us feel a little better ? " Awful , I know , but none - the - less real thoughts and feelings that I had . From one grieving parent to another , I am truly sorry that you have lost your son and I appreciate the words that you have shared in your blogs . I stumbled upon it the other day while searching for anything to read concerning the loss of a son . Yes , it 's like I can 't get my hands on enough material . It 's like I " need " to read and read and read more about others that have been living this type of loss . Maybe it 's to affirm that we 're not alone in our grief . I 'm not sure . Anyway , thank you for your sharing . Blessings to you and your family . May God continue to give you strength for each day . We will one day see our sons again . It will be a Glorious Day ! Please take a look at the site I put together since the sudden and shocking loss of my son 10 weeks ago . I , too , have been searching everywhere for things to read by other grieving parents . I 've been putting them all together in one place : I can really relate to the comments and feelings you are expressing here . Thursday will be the 1 yr anniversary of suddenly losing our beautiful 30 year old son , Jason . I hate using that word " anniversary " . It is supposed to represent a happy event , another year of life together . But it is the only word I can think of to use . He was similar to how you describe your son . He was a dad to a 7 and 3 yr old and pinging back and forth between being on the right path and then making some not so smart choices . He had a wife who not only enabled his behavior , but encouraged it . We got " the call " in the afternoon from the Chaplain at the local county jail . My husband took the call and I knew something was terrribly wrong , he fell to his knees and said " how , when ? " and I knew . He shared the news , I was in a fog . I asked him to repeat it " what ? What did you say ? " and then the grief hit me like a tsunami . My husband had to call our younger son and tell him , we all cried . The long drive to VA ( we are in FL ) and then all the decisions - the casket , the service , etc was just so hard and unimagineable . How do you pick out a casket for your child ? Not your parents , your child ? ? ! Then there were his babies to comfort , so confused . That was one of the hardest things , seeing his babies who he loved so much in such pain and chaos . We made it through the " visitation " thing , but I have to say we had people come from 12 hrs away who knew him when he was a kid and loved him , very kind and loving support . The service was a blur , nice I guessed . I have spent a year walking through this grief and as the date approaches I am remembering good things , the warm , giving man he was , but the pain stricks the heart out of nowhere sometimes and it takes my breath away . My friends who have been through this say that it never goes away , but gets " easier " which is hard to imagine . I don 't think there ever could be anything easy about losing your child . I do have the comfort of knowing in my heart that he is in the Lord 's arms and I will see him again , that gives me amazing comfort in the hard times and lets me work through this with some sense of hope . And . . I am so sorry for your loss , as I have at least an inkling of how you might feel . I know what you mean about needing to read and find things you can relate to , that others have gone thru . I am the same . After almost 2 years since my son died , I still am looking for the " magic words " that are written down , somewhere , that will answer all my questions . Why ? What happened ? and Why … again . The five year anniversary of my son 's death from a vehicle accident is July 25 . He was 18 . I guess I also needed to read something on the loss of a child . I never wanted to go to a support group . I had the opinion that I didn 't want to " share " stories and I had no support to provide . But , reading the experiences of other parents online has been so helpful . Many times I found that my reactions were " normal " . I saw that the importance of your child not being forgotten was a common feeling . One thing I heard Marie Osmond say ( and I can 't quote verbatim ) is , it doesn 't make me sad when you ask about my child that died , it makes me happy that you remembered that they lived . This website was a special way to keep your son 's memory alive and to benefit others . I had never been one to journal before Jason died . When my sister came out for Jason 's memorial service , she brought a journal with her . I started writing the week after he died and have continued since then . It seemed to give me a voice to say those things others didn 't want to hear . It has also served as a record for the journey . Tomorrow will be 6 months since our daughter death . Sahvanna 27 years old , was walking and hit by a motor cycle . She lived 22 days after the accident . The first 2 days she smiled or tried to with the injuries . She move her rt toes and rt fingers slightly when asked then she would go back to sleep . Had total of 17 surgeries in first week . All major organs damaged . About day 19 neuro . Dr . informed us that she was basically brain dead due to blood clots to her brain . In the past she had made her " if ever " request to us . So we called family to see her if wanted , the next days would only be us our son and his wife . I remember kissing her at birth and holding her hands and feet . That is what I did a few minutes before she died kissing every part of her I could to say I love all of you always . I can 't remember large parts of those days total fog . But holding her in bed putting my fingers through her hair saying love you over and over . I know she couldn 't hear me but I hope her heart did . I cry daily and think of her most of day . I recall things that I didn 't see and hear things but know she is sleeping in death . my family has moved on I am stuck in that hospital bed holding my baby girl DRs now say I have PTSD I don 't sleep in my husbands bed my crying yelling in my sleep keeps him up at night one of us has to work and it isn 't me . I have seizure disorder so all this and trying to calm not to have a seizure I hate this pain for all of us who have lose a child . never know pain could be this deep Thank you . In a few days it will be 8 months since my husband and I received a call from my husband 's boss ( the sheriff ) asking if we knew where our daughter was . When he told him , there was silence at first and then my husband began to holler . He was told our daughter had been shot and was on her way to the hospital . His boss told him to use his patrol car and come right away . Within a minute we were frantically flying to the hospital , which was just 5 miles away . When we arrived we were greeted by at least 2 dozen people , many my husband 's co - workers in law enforcement . They led us into a " family room " , where they told us our daughter had expired . The Dr . told us they did everything possible to try to try to save her . At that time we learned that Lindsay had been followed by her ex - boyfriend ( a doctor she had broke up with in Jan . 12 ) to her new boyfriends house in a small town about 12 miles from our home . The ex - boyfriend jumped out of a rented truck with the handgun , confronted Lindsay and they argured . Her new boyfriend ( of just a few weeks ) heard the argument and called 911 when he saw the gun . While Chase was on the call he saw the doctor shoot Lindsay and her fall to the ground . He ran to his door to go outside to help her , and he heard another gunshot and the doctor shot himself . Lindsay was just 22 years old , and just starting her life . The doctor was a lying SOB . He had started a reltionship with her telling her he was in a process of a divorce . In January she found out it was all untrue , he was still at home with his wife , so she broke up with him . He must have been infatuated with a beautiful , young , smart girl …… . . and had never had anyone tell him no . The evening after the terrible news is a blurr …… Actually the next day is also . Many people in our community brought food , drinks , plates , plants , etc . About 4 couples of our wonderful friends handled everything for us at home … greeting people , recording who brought what , making sure foods were sitting out , etc . Alot of family was in and out of the house . I remember going to the funeral home on Friday and doing all the arrangements . Bits and pieces of it . My husband picked out the casket and I chose the vaults . The vault is a pink and white swirl , with glitter on the lid . One I know she would love . The funeral director was wonderful . She guided us along with way with great care and comfort . I wanted Lindsay 's nails done ( she always had nails … . and one had had all been broken and chipped ) . She had a nail person come in and do her artifical names , and some one from the hair salon do her hair extensions . My husband and I had to go shopping for something for her to wear . Due to the gunshot wound to her heart … and the autopsy , she could not wear anything low cut . It is pretty hard to find a turtleneck in the Iowa at that time of year . Let alone something a 22 year old would want to wear . We found a leopard dress with a higher front to it . Lindsay loved leopard , so even though it was all the way to her neck , she would have loved the print . The visitation was on Monday . We set the time from 1pm to 9pm as she had friends in the medical field that worked 2nd shift . There was a line out the door at noon , and my husband and I greeted the last friends to see her at 9 : 30pm . We said hello , listened to condolences , and alot of " I don 't know what to say " for 9 1 / 2 hours , never taking a break . And I would do it all over again for Lindsay . The funeral was held in a large church and was as beautiful as a funeral for your 22 year old daughter could be . The minister was comforting . Two of Lindsay 's friends sang a duet together with about a dozen other girls singing the last chorus line . Once the service was over , we proceeded to the cemetary . News reports had the funeral processional as 5 miles long . What a wonderful send off for our daughter , the baby of our family , and our only daughter My husband and I try to remain strong , and rely on our faith alot to give us that strength . I visit Lindsay often , usually once or twice a week … and it makes me feel good . I want to know she is okay , and I keep her headstone and surrounding area neat and tidy like she kept herself . Thank you for listening to our story . Each time I 'm able to express it , it gets a little easier . Domestic violence is a terrible thing … and one that needs to stop . As time goes on , I 'd like to be more involved in support groups to help people through . And see the signs . We knew this man , and never would have imagined he would take Lindsay from us like he did . It has been 2 - 1 / 2 years since that awful day . I was baking a cake for my girlfriend 's college graduation that evening , and my husband had just opened the garage door to leave for work when we heard the loud knock on the front door . I will never ever forget the look on Mike 's face as we were so puzzled who would be knocking on our door at 6 : 30 a . m . on a Friday morning in June . Because I was in the middle of removing the cake from the oven , Mike went to the front door and I heard voices and he called me to come into the living room . It was 2 police officers , a young man and a young woman . They asked us about our youngest son Jake and of course I beamed ! I was so proud of our Jake , he was at the time completing a college internship at Disney World in Orlando , FL . Then they asked us if he had any identifying markers on his body . We both mentioned Jake 's sonic tattoo which was on his right calf , and he also had a cleft lip and palate so there was a scar over his lip . At that point the female police officer suggested we sit down , but I couldn 't - I honestly couldn 't imagine that she was about to tell me that Jake had died - my first thought was , Uh - oh - he ended up getting in trouble , and he landed himself in jail . But , then she talked about the car accident , he hadn 't survived . I think I was in disbelief , mainly because we were in Wisconsin , and Jake was in Florida - the poor officer didn 't have any of the details , all she could tell us was that he died . She was very kind , gave us phone numbers to the Coroner 's office in Florida , the highway patrol , etc . We tried to reach our oldest son but couldn 't . His work schedule was a little goofy back then and he wasn 't responding to our texts to come home ASAP , he was sleeping . Mike ended up calling the highway patrol in Florida and received the details , to this day , I cannot discuss them openly - it was horrific to hear how my baby died . We just sat still for a good hour - we didn 't hug each other , console each other - we were numb . Finally , something came over me and I realized I had to cancel an appt that day , call a funeral home , call family and friends , etc . And I had this damn cake sitting on my counter waiting to be frosted . My girlfriend told me to throw it away , but honestly , it was kind of nice to have something to do , so I finished the cake while waiting for family to arrive . My sister drove me to my friend 's house to deliver the cake later . I have not made that cake since , nor do I have any desire to . When I look back , I am surpised at how I was able to keep my composure during all the planning . We weren 't very religious at that time , so we were planning a memorial instead of a funeral . My brother had just graduated from seminary , so he was the officiating Pastor . Jake loved musicals and was involved in show choir and drama during high school . So , the memorial planning turned out to be fun , because it was so personalized to Jake 's passions . We had 3 songs during the service - one of the songs was from Rent , one from Wicked , and the last song was Smile . Jake was famous for his smile and good nature , it was the perfect way to end the service . Jake had moved away from home at 19 to Madison which was 90 miles away from where we lived . We couldn 't believe how many people reached out to us from Madison , and the number of people who drove the 90 miles to attend the memorial . One of Jake 's Disney friends started a memorial page on Facebook - by the time we had the Memorial ( 1 week after death ) , there were over 450 members on his memorial facebook page . We were in awe at how many lives our beautiful Jake impacted . I don 't remember too many details of who said what to us while in the receiving line - I just remember we had both rooms of the funeral home filled to capacity . The funeral home had set up a monitor to allow the 2nd room to view the service as it happened . After the beautiful eulogies given by Jake 's dear friend , Jake 's dad and Jake 's brother - we went to club where we had a room reserved . Olive Garden ( Jake was a waiter there before he went to Disney ) , gave us loads of Spaghetti and Salad for after the service , I remember how grateful I was for that . The weeks after were very hard , I felt like people just wanted me to have the service , and then get on with my life . It was grueling - work made it worse as I worked in a hostile work environment . 2 months after Jake 's death my boss actually told me that it sounded like I might be depressed . I wanted to slap him . How dare he judge me just 8 weeks after my son died ! I honestly don 't know how I survived the first year , but I did . I still am in pain , I have been able to smile again and laugh - but Jake is still in my thoughts constantly . I miss his laugh , his smiles , his hugs . Holidays are very difficult and family celebrations are horrible . It is very hard for me to celebrate with others when I find it so sad that I will never have such celebrations with Jake . The only people who know what I 'm feeling are you all - those of us whose child has died . It is out of the natural order of life . We grow up expecting to say good - bye and bury our parents , but our children are supposed to outlive us . I am truly grateful for what Jake gave me for 22 years . He was such a good person , he 's the kind of child everyone hopes they have . Kind , compassionate , generous , and always looked for the good - he always found a way to see the positive in everything . Some days I think of what Jake would do , and I think I 've turned into a better person since his death because of what he taught me in his short 22 years . There is a hill about 2 blocks from my house that has a big rock at the top . Through the years the local kids and such have gone up there and painted it blue , so that it has become a landmark in the area . My son used to love to climb up there and spend time just looking out over our town and being by himself . Every morning , I look up at " bluerock " and tell him hello , good morning , I love you . It helps me feel like we 're still connected somehow . Todd died March 25th , 2012 from a heart attack caused by heroin . He was 35 . He had made so many mistakes in his life , and payed for them every time … He was just starting to get his life back on track … going to NA , seeking counseling , and getting sober . He met a girl … and ended up in jail on a DUI and it pushed him right into feeling like a failure . He gave up … He decided that if he was gonna be a loser , he may as well go all the way and let this girl talk him into doing heroin for the first time . Which was his last time . I was not at home and I remember the look on my husbands face when I walked in the door that night . I knew something was wrong , but I fully expected him to tell me something had happened to my Mom , who is 94 . The words coming out of his mouth were a LIE ! They had to be ! Not my Son ! And then I called his siter and said , " get here " and thats the last clear memory I have until the memorial service . Its all a blur … people tell me I handled everything well . . I just don 't remember it all . I know my friends and my daughter were there and the flowers and food all showing up … I just didnt register much of it till later . At the Memorial service , so many of Todd 's friends spoke of what a good person he was and how funny he was and how he had been thru rough times and they all saw him doing so much better . It was a affirmation that he was a good guy … which made it harder for me to understand why God would take someone who was trying so hard to be better . It still is a hard question for me . The crying hasn 't stopped … just slowed down … and the missing him is just as intense as it was from day 1 … . Christmas is really hard this year … I keep missing all the things we used to have , whereas my husband is missing the things that will never be . I just need a hug from him … a smile … I keep remembering him saying all the time . . " What doesn 't kill me makes me stronger , and what doesn 't kill me better start running . " I am trying to adopt that mindset … . The pain will never go away , but you will find , in your own time and way - that life still does go on . You will always miss him , but I think that you trying to adopt his mindset is a great start to some real healing . I believe that we never fully heal , we learn to live with this tremendous wound to our hearts . I remember arriving home at 9pm from a neighbor 's bbq with our two daughters and my husband checking on our 16 year old in his room . I remember the way my husband screamed " Call 911 " . I remember a phone being in my hand , I think my daughter dialed , and then I remember running into his room and seeing my husband pulling him off his bed onto the floor . Some throwup came out of his mouth so I remember thinking he was going to be okay . The next thing I remember is being at the hospital and after a while going into the room where they were working on him and having the nurse ask me if I was sure that I wanted to be there for " this " . Then they looked at the clock . . and I looked at the clock . . 10 : 15 . . and then I remember them announcing the time of death and I thought " what the bleep are they doing ? " It was as if I was in a dream and I still feel that somehow they were wrong about that . It 's impossible to me that he was fine when we left him that evening and that a few hours later . . all on his own . . he wasn 't . I am so sorry for any parent who has to go through this . So many tragic stories . So many similarities - and at the same time every situation is unique . We are about six weeks out . It is just now seeming real . |
Miiko was right - I * had * seen some of Juri 's work and not known it . And she was right again when she said that Juri was good , very good . It was if she could access the soul of a person right through the makeup and clothes , right through the pose or the background . I spent about an hour looking at some of Juri 's portfolio , while she stayed conspicuously away , claiming to have some work that needed to be finished . Eventually Juri came back into the room and shot Miiko a meaningful look . The younger woman was right on it . She thanked me for indulging her and said that after a good night 's sleep , she 'd let me go home . Then , with a quick kiss for Juri , she was gone . We sat facing each other , each lost in our respective thoughts . There was too little time here and we both knew it . Too many things that needed answering and too few answers . " I expect you have already figured out that I am not the one who hit you . " Juri began . I nodded , but said nothing . " Do you know who it was ? " " I 've learned nothing at all , what could I possibly know ? I 'm no closer now to Tenjou Utena than I was when I began . " I felt tired , and bitter . Juri leaned forward and pinned me with that feline look . " You have all the information you need . Someone else knows that you do , or they wouldn 't have knocked you out . Obviously , they feel that you are getting close to the answer … close to Tenjou . " " You know , " I diverted the conversation , feeling suddenly uncomfortable . " We still haven 't had a chat about her . What can you tell me about her ? " Juri was miles away and I had to repeat the question before she heard me . " Tenjou Utena . " She said , and then smiled . " I owe her quite a bit . A remarkable young woman . " " Really ? " This seemed to surprise Juri . " If , as you say , he has managed to find happiness , then yes , he probably does . " She paused . " Would you mind if I told you a story ? It 's not a particularly good one and it might not help you , but , then again , it might . " Juri closed her eyes and leaned her head back . " Once upon a time , " her lips quirked slightly at that , " there was a girl . She was beautiful - or so people said - and good at anything she tried to do . She was popular too , but had two special close friends . The three were inseparable until , well , until puberty hit . Terrible thing , puberty . Because , you see , two of the three friends fell in love . Only , not with each other . It became the classic love triangle . And like all love triangles , it got ugly . One day the two friends ran away together and the girl thought she was relieved , since it took away the temptation to do something that wasn 't good , wasn 't right … wasn 't natural . " Some time passed . One day Tenjou Utena showed up and something happened to the girl . She had thought that after all this time she was pretty much over the whole love triangle thing , that she had pulled herself together and had moved on and all that . But when Tenjou showed up , she realized that it was all a lie - that she was obsessed , unhappy , and worse , had grown cold . Of course , this had to stop ; no one wants to feel that they have become inhuman . So the girl took it out on Tenjou . But Tenjou was young , and idealistic . She hadn 't grown cold and inhuman . At first it enraged the girl , and it strengthened the girl 's desire to hurt her . Then something happened … " It was like something in my head shifted at that very minute . The Kiryuu 's , Kaoru - who had loved Anshi , Saionji - who thought he had , and now Juri . They had all dueled with Tenjou Utena over my client . And they had all lost . Whatever it was that had happened to them - it had to do with those duels . Juri shrugged , as she shifted position . " I 'm not sure , but I can hazard a guess . The Kiryuu 's both lost a lot in those duels - their self - assurance , their innocence , their power . Miki , well , poor Miki . I 'd say he was too young , but he was the same age as Nanami . I don 't know why he hasn 't managed to remember . At the end he seemed free , but maybe something happened since then to trap him . I wonder if his sister … " Juri 's voice faded out again . In some way I was enthralled . I felt like I knew these people ; who they had been , who they were now . Almost as if I had been there , ten years ago , while this drama unfolded . Almost . But I was still missing pieces . I watched Juri as she searched the past for clues , hints . " I have no idea . " Juri admitted . " She was the Chairman 's sister and the crux of the duel , but to be honest , I can 't see her face at all . I see Tenjou as clear as day - pink hair , blue eyes , standing in front of me stretching , while she talked of things she didn 't understand … " Juri 's blue eyes met mine . " but Anshi is a shadow in my mind . I couldn 't tell you what she looked like , even if she stood next to you right now . " I felt a chill pass along my spine . Even if she stood next to you right now . I resisted the temptation to look around me , just to make sure she wasn 't . " In the end , the girl decided that life was too damn short to take so seriously . And at that moment the chain that had enclosed her heart snapped . She was free . It was that easy . Later she left the school , went to university , and became a teacher . But she didn 't fall in love , you know , because that chained one 's heart . " Her eyes opened to meet mine . Juri laughed . " She was very subtle . First she asked my assistance with her class work . When she ran out of classes to take , she asked if there was anything she could do to assist me . I was oblivious through all this , of course . I just thought she was a good kid - dedicated , energetic . Students had crushes on me all the time , all through school - it wasn 't anything different , I thought . As soon as she met someone else , someone her own age … " " No , " Juri admitted . " She knew what she wanted . It took her a long time to get it . She tells me she nearly lost her patience . " Juri gave a short bark of laughter . " Worth it ? Had I known it would end up this way , I 'd have given in a lot faster . " And we both chuckled at that . Silence fell again . It was a comfortable silence , the kind that falls between old friends . It felt good and I didn 't want to ruin it . It was Juri who finally broke the silence . " Somewhere , somehow , you must already know where Tenjou Utena is . Find her , please . " There was a plea in her voice that surprised me . " If I can help , let me know . Tenjou Utena was a good person and I 'd like to see her happy . " I sighed and closed my eyes . They hurt and my body was filled with a low - level ache . " What next ? " I thought . I must have spoken aloud though , because Juri replied . I couldn 't even nod . My eyes wouldn 't open and my head felt thick . I could hear Juri moving , and feel myself lowered to the couch beneath me . I was asleep before my head was level . I took my leave of Juri and Miiko early the next day , but not until I promised to let them know when I reached home . Before I left , Miiko threw her arms around my neck and hugged me . Her slim form was rather nice to hold - I envied Juri . Juri and I shook hands , but I lingered , not quite wanting to part from these two . " You 'll be the first to know . " Miiko assured me . She beamed at me and I grinned back . I left then , but my mind stayed behind with those two women . I hoped I would see them again . My apartment had never looked so good to me . There were several messages on the answering machine , but there was no rush to answer them . I called Nikki and told her that I was back and to be in the office bright and early . She yelled at me for not checking in , but I told her that I 'd explain the next morning . I made myself some strong coffee and watched TV until the dinner I ordered had arrived . Chinese tonight . Juri and Miiko ate too healthy for my taste and I craved fried rice - it tasted better than usual . I was feeling satisfied and happy with my place in the world when the phone rang . I let the machine pick it up . " This is Himemiya Anshi . Please call me at your earliest convenience . " The noise of a disconnect . Hmmm . I walked over to the machine and hit the replay button . The first message was from a friend . Second one was from a credit card company offering me a great deal on long distance . The third was more interesting . There was silence , then a voice hissed . " You bastard ! " Then a scratchy silence . " Stop looking for Tenjou Utena or something much worse than being knocked out will happen to you . " The phone was hung up . Well , now , that was interesting . Of course , the voice was muffled and unrecognizable . The last call was from Nikki , wondering what was up - not panicked , just worried . Not one call from my client . And I was gone three days longer than planned . No call until just now . How fascinating . I stared at the phone for a long time , debating whether to call her or not . It was obvious to me that the only way I was going to get to the bottom of this was to find out what secret my client was hiding . I picked up the phone . I brought bento boxes I picked up from my favorite street stand and met my client in front of the museum . We ate outside in the sun on a bench and watched the people streaming into and out of the Museum grounds . She was , I noted , not uncomfortable with my choice of location - or food . In fact , she was completely at ease , just as she had been at Capital Toyotei . A rare woman indeed , and an enigma on many levels . She stopped in front a large piece of calligraphy from the Edo period , as I told her of my little brush with discomfort . Her eyes were dark with concern . When I had arrived at our assignation , she had noticed the now - faded bruises on my cheek and asked about them . I told her that we should eat first - that I like to keep business and eating separate . She had smiled at that . Now as I told her of being rescued by Juri , watched all night by Miiko and my recovery in their care , she looked genuinely concerned . I was touched by it , but unsure what it meant . I finished my report and we continued to walk . Miss Himemiya said nothing . She stopped in front of a Heian painting - a representation of the Buddhist hells . Demons at the various levels tortured their victims with their own desires . She stared up at the painting , her hands clasped behind her back . She looked young all of a sudden . Like a schoolgirl on a field trip . I could see her in that photo , embraced by Tenjou , her smile bland but sweet . Her voice snapped me out of my reverie . " Yes , they are . But they are also the " official " records of the school . As far as Ohtori Academy knows , Tenjou Utena did all the things in those records - one more in an endless succession of students . " She sounded distant . She looked up at me , her eyes bright with some memory . " Yes . It was the last thing I did before … before I left . " That look , the one of remembered pain , settled across her face once again . I turned towards her , stopping where I stood . I held her by the shoulders and look hard into her eyes . " Anshi - please tell me the truth . " She reacted with surprise to my use of her given name , but she didn 't correct me . She turned her head away from me and said nothing . " I … can 't . " her voice was tortured , broken . I let go of her shoulders and she put her hands over her face and began to cry . I pulled out a handkerchief and she took it , but did not look at me . I could feel my heart breaking for her . I was at a loss . I had no more leads and my client had lied to me . And all I wanted … all I wanted was to take her in my arms and hold her and tell her that it would be alright . I tentatively reached a hand out for her and when she didn 't flinch at my touch , a second hand . Her sobs grew quieter , but did not stop . At last I gave in completely and held her tightly to me , stroking her hair while she cried . I could feel her tears soaking my shirt and feel her body quaking with her grief . At last the tears subsided . Anshi pulled herself together , wiped her face and with a self - deprecating laugh , suggested we leave . " I believe I 've made a sufficient spectacle of myself for one day . " We walked to my office , so she could clean up before she left . I was sitting on my desk when she came in . Her face was shiny and a little puffy and the sight left me breathless . I stood quickly , but she held up a hand to stop me . " I 've made up my mind . " She announced . " I can 't tell you everything . But there are a few things I can tell you . And so , I will . " " I hope you aren 't tired of hearing my stories . " She said . I shook my head and she gave me a small smile . " Good , because there is another one you need to hear . You remember the story I last told you ? " I nodded . Then she did . " Good . " Deep breath . " Well , then . The Prince had the sister , you remember - the witch . The Prince came up with an idea that he could get his power back , but he needed to take it from someone else . So he created a situation in which a group of children , who all excelled in many things and were strong and capable , would be gathered together . And the finest of them would be rewarded with power and prestige . But there was a small price to pay - nothing unreasonable . Silly , even . They would have to fight duels for the possession of one of the students . Well , one after another , students stepped up to take this challenge , but in the end , none were truly strong enough . And the Prince at first grew desperate , then forgot entirely why he had created this situation in the first place . He grew to love the duels for themselves and forgot that he and his sister were trapped in their pain - wracked and weakened bodies . " He . Forgot . " Anshi stared at the floor . She looked like she wanted to speak , but some force held her back . Her body was tense with some pain I couldn 't identify . She took another deep breath . " And by the time Tenjou Utena , " her voice cracked , " came , neither the Prince nor the Princess believed that they would ever be free . " She looked at me , pleading with me to understand . " But you did - and you left Ohtori . " My head was pounding with all this . It was like a tale from my childhood - something barely remembered . " But Tenjou … " my voice was hoarse . " What happened to her ? " Anshi shook her head , tears cascading down her cheeks . " I … please . " She swayed where she sat and I leapt to support her . On my knees I held her , while she groaned in frustration or pain . It was a long time before we moved . And then the moment was gone . Anshi pulled away and her eyes were dry . I felt like my head was on fire , but my thoughts were clear and concise . She looked at me , frowning . " I know . I had hoped … but then , if it comes to this , then this is what must be . " She stood and smoothed her dress . I stood as well and walked her to the door . She turned to face me , then leaned forward and placed a small kiss on my lips . " Please be careful . " After the door closed behind her , I touched my lips where she had kissed me . I could feel her in my arms the whole way home . As I packed a small bag for this next trip , I pondered what little I actually knew . It wasn 't Juri who had hit me - all she had had to do was leave me there and I 'd have been little further trouble . Someone wanted me to think it was Saionji , and had gone to a lot of trouble to follow me to Kagoshima , so I would think it was him . But Saionji had left the past behind - he wasn 't the one who had done it . That left three choices and I was pretty sure I knew who , of those three , had the most to lose . I thought hard about this quest of mine . I knew now that I wasn 't even * trying * to find Tenjou Utena at Ohtori . She wasn 't there - hadn 't ever really been , in fact . Her presence had been a cipher , a catalyst . And at the center of it all had been my client , the beguiling Himemiya Anshi . I whistled tunelessly , as I admitted to myself exactly why I was going to Ohtori Academy . Juri had her wish - she was able to assist me . I had called her the night before and asked to borrow that helicopter of hers . Houou was out of the way and it would be difficult to get there on short notice otherwise . She sounded pleased to be able to help . Now , as I sat in the back of a cab heading towards the airport where my novel form of transportation waited , I thanked her silently . This wasn 't going to be fun , but one way or another I had to go . My ride to Houou was fascinating . I had never been in a helicopter before ( except for my unconscious flight a few days earlier ) and thought it rather exhilarating . I like speed , heights , things that get my blood flowing and my heart racing . The pilot was a guy about my own age , who was happy to tell me all about flying helicopters . It made the time pass . When he set down on the helipad , we agreed that he could have the rest of the day off , but that he should be ready to lift off any time after 20 : 00 . I didn 't know how long my visit would take , but I wanted to sleep in my own bed tonight . I was expected at the Academy . A minor official met me , gave me the tour and answered general questions . He apologized and told me that the Chairman would be busy for another half hour , but would see me then . We walked amiably around the campus , while I watched the students going about student - like activities . Everything seemed perfectly normal , nothing out of the ordinary . I found it nearly impossible to believe that these fantastic and strange duels had occurred in this posh , pleasant school . At last , the Chairman himself came to meet us . His smile was sincere - a politician 's smile . I searched his face for signs of Anshi . His skin was a lighter shade than hers , and where her hair was lush and dark , his was pale , lit from within . There was little resemblance between them . For some reason , I was relieved about that . He gave me a polite greeting and let the minor official go about his duties . He escorted me up the hill towards his office . As we reached the summit of the hill , I began to feel something , a prickling down my spine and I knew that this was what I had come for . The Tower was visible everywhere in town , much less on campus . I had seen it from the moment the ' copter flew in sight of Houou , but now , as we approached it , it was as if a curtain was drawn from in front of my face . I could * see * the Tower - it looked exactly the same as it had , but now I could also feel the power emanating from it . It gave me the creeps . I hesitated at the door , but the Chairman invited me inside and I followed . The Chairman himself was not what I expected . He was a slight man , standing just slightly too close , letting a hand touch you lightly , leaning down to talk to you … it was if he was letting you into his confidence . An attractive man , he was obviously used to using his looks to get his way . His whole manner was geared towards seduction . I wondered how many of the teachers he had slept with … or students . I began to dislike him instantly . I don 't care to be manipulated and he was clearly a master manipulator . We took an elevator to the top of the Tower , and entered a vast room , surrounded by palladium windows . From there you could see the whole of the campus , and on clear days , most of Houou , as well . I strode carefully around the room , trying to find just what I had come here for . The Chairman continued to talk and I continued to let him . Halfway around the room , I found it . He smiled and came up behind me . A hand was laid gently on my shoulder as he leaned his head next to mine to point . I tried not to flinch . " Oh , that ? " His voice was a soft purr in my ear . I could see where it would have sent chills along the spine of a younger , or more naïve person . Male or female , this man made you want him . He set my teeth on edge . " That is a remnant of the old growth forest that once covered this area of Japan . " I nodded . The hand on my shoulder moved to my back and I stepped away . The Chairman hesitated , then stood to his full height . " We leave it there to contribute , in our small way , to the conservation of the environment . " I turned to face him partially , keeping the forest in my sight . " What is that structure inside of the forest ? " I kept my voice casual , but his reaction was not casual at all . A fist clenched by his side and the color drained out of his face . No longer teasing or seductive , his eyes grew cold and hard . " Just a memorial . " His voice was clipped . " To past students . " There was silence . I turned to face the Chairman and in his eyes I read the answer . I had found what I was looking for . I could go home to Anshi . It was late afternoon when I left Ohtori . I felt drained . And in some small way , I felt sorry for the Chairman , a lion with no fangs and only stubby , dull claws . He 'd never escape from that place ; never gain back his former glory . Tenjou Utena had destroyed that possibility . I wondered how Anshi had felt when she understood that . And I wondered if she felt any lingering pity for her brother , who had trapped her there for so long . I still had some time to kill before I had to get to the helipad , so I wandered the streets of Houou randomly , stopping at a café for a light meal . The seats were full of students and I eavesdropped openly on their gossip . It was all the usual kinds of things , which reassured me . It was time for me to go . Time to go home and make my final report to my client . Time to close this case . With a sigh , I headed down a small street and watched people hurrying to their homes for meals . The street became pedestrian only , then narrowed into an alleyway . I slowed my steps , to give my stalker some time to catch up . It wasn 't hard to hear the footsteps , even on the crowded streets . They had stopped when I had , resumed when I had . I saw a small cul - de - sac to my right and knew that I had found a good spot in which to make my stand . Stopping where I stood , I hunched over my overnight bag , pretending to rummage around in it . The footsteps made no attempt at muffling themselves and I knew immediately when the knife had been swung . Putting one arm out to intercept the swing , I stepped back and leaned into a classic koshi - guruma . I took the knife from my assailant 's hand as she went flying into the cul - de - sac , landing heavily on her butt with a " whoof . " I glanced at the knife - an antique tanto . Saionji 's , in fact . He had played with it as he talked to me in his study . I looked down at my attacker who hadn 't moved since she landed . She breathed heavily , her face sneering with anger , but said nothing . I ticked the questions off on my fingers as I talked . " One - why do you hate Anshi so much ? Two - why do you hate Saionji so much ? Three - what is so important that you feel murder is worth committing ? Four … I can 't think of a four right now , but I 'm sure I will . " I stared down at her , as she glared up at me . " Four - are you going to sit there all day ? " I reached out a hand , which she ignored . Standing and brushing herself off , Kiryuu Nanami walked past me with not even a word of apology . As she passed me , I reached out and spun her around . She struggled , but I grabbed at her arms and held them tightly . Her eyes narrowed . I realized that I was the one holding the stolen knife … and I was manhandling her . I wouldn 't put it past her to scream bloody murder and get me arrested . I let her go and she stumbled back a few steps . " You 're an idiot , " she said . " Just like before - no one listens to me , they think I 'm crazy . But I 'm the only one who sees what 's going on ! " Her voice had risen , become shriller with each word . " It 's just the same ! Don 't you see ? " Her voice cracked and she stopped shouting . Heaving with emotions I couldn 't begin to understand , she stood ; fists clenched staring at me , daring me to deny her challenge . " No . " I said , tired once again . " No , it 's not like it was . The duels are over Nanami . You don 't have to fight anymore . " My words seemed to suck the anger right out of her . She slumped , defeated . I checked my watch . The pilot wasn 't expecting me any particular time . I could wrap this up before I left . " C ' mon , " I said and took her arm , guiding her down the alleyway to a larger street . I found a vending machine ; got us some canned coffee and sat her down on a bench . The streets were nearly empty , everyone inside for their evening meals , TV and however else they forgot about how awful the world was . Nanami wouldn 't look at me , but I watched her . She looked young , younger than me by a little , anyway . And she was the one who ran the company . A lot of pressure for a young woman . I felt bad for her , but not that bad . " No . The beginning makes no sense , neither does the middle . Only at the end did it make sense . And now it 's not over . " She looked up at me . " That 's the problem , you see . I thought it was over . But it isn 't . You 're here and you don 't understand . " I finished my coffee and tossed the can in a wastebasket . " You 're wrong , Nanami . I do understand - I understand everything . " And I met her eyes evenly . She looked at me hard , for a long time , and then took a shuddering breath . " Yes . My beloved brother . " A slight , almost imperceptible stress on the second word . Nanami looked around , then back at me . " You don 't have a cigarette or anything , do you ? " I shook my head . " Oh , well , that 's probably for the best . I don 't really smoke . " She clasped her hands in her lap . When she began to speak again her voice was very low and soft . " After he graduated , we all thought the worst was over . While she was at the school , Tenjou did something to him , you know . He dropped out of sight for a while . That was when I took over as acting President of the Student Council . It was awful - I hated it . Miki was so serious , Juri , well , she looked at me like I was a worm , you know . Saionji was gone , and I was glad . He was a terrible person . He clung to my brother like a barnacle , always pretending to be as good as him . When he came back I tried to make him feel bad , but he wouldn 't . He took up his position like he had never left . And worse , my brother and he seemed to have made up - become closer even . Too close . " " Well , at least it seemed that way . Whether they actually were , I don 't know . Everyone was hinting , and hinting about other things . Touga and I had a disagreement and I left home for a while . " She sighed . " Up to that point , I had always assumed it was Tenjou Utena 's fault . From the beginning , my brother obsessed about her . But after I left home , I learned something horrible and I had to come back . And that was when I figured out that it wasn 't Tenjou - it was that Himemiya witch . " She looked at me with huge eyes . " It was disgusting . And Tenjou so blind , so innocent … " Her words became a hiss . " Even when I warned her . She pretended there was nothing wrong . Idiot . " She put her face into her hands , but when she pulled them away a moment later her eyes were dry . " And then , all of a sudden - it was over . Tenjou was gone , Himemiya was gone . And we all twirled , like streamers in the breeze , with nowhere particular to go . " I thought it would be better once they were gone , I really did . I went away myself , for a while . Went to college , got a business degree . Then I heard from my parents , there seemed to be something wrong with my brother . I came home and found him wandering the house , as if he had lost his memory . I tried to talk with him , but he barely remembered anything at all . Like it had all been a dream . " " His memory had nearly disappeared … not just of the events at Ohtori . Of * everything . * And I began to get worried . That 's when I began to run the business . It 's been years since then , and he still fugues sometimes , or gets depressed . He needs me now … . " She laughed bitterly . " Do you know - when I was a child , all I wanted was to be the most important person in his life ? And now I 'm trapped by that very wish . " " You ? You started it all up again . Touga had been doing much better ; he was paying more attention to business , spending less time in his dream - state . Then you came , asking all those questions about Tenjou and Himemiya . The next morning he was gone . " Her face was bleak . " Gone . When he came back two days later , I had no idea where he had been , and he couldn 't remember . Or he wouldn 't say . He said he 'd gone to find Tenjou Utena , that he was her prince . I was livid . After all this time , I thought we were free , at least of that name . I tracked you down … and you know the rest . " She looked up , genuinely surprised . " If you can ask that , then you don 't really know everything , do you ? " And she smiled , a strange , twisted smile . " Just like it was before . " " One more question and then I 'll see you to wherever you need to go . " I said . " Did the Chairman ever try to seduce you ? " |
Yesterday was our big 20 week ultrasound . Everything looks great and we 're still having a boy . Ben is excited because he " doesn 't have a brother yet , only a sister . It 's called Maddie . " They have the new 4 - D ultrasound in the office , so they did some pictures of the baby 's face , but ours weren 't exactly amazing . The baby had his hand against his face most the time they had that tool out , so it sort of obstructed the view . Still it was cool . Can you make out an amazing profile yet ? So today is our 9th anniversary . It 's hard to think of life alone anymore . I haven 't been independent forever ! Being with Brian is so much fun . Recently , things have been even more fun than usual . Maybe I 've been in a better mood after my mommy vacation ( girls camp ) , or maybe he 's gotten a bit more witty , but we sure have laughed more in the last week . We celebrated last night by going out to The Melting Pot restaurant . It was so yummy ! I 'm a total fan of that place . We figured the last time we went was for Brian 's birthday when I was pregnant with Ben , so I suppose we are allowed to splurge on a nice night every 4 years or so . Anyway , we had " The Big Night Out " four course meal . Cheese fondue , house salads , meat and veggie fondue with great spices and flavor , followed by dessert . . . chocolate fondue with fresh fruit . I was so full after all that I could barely stand up to walk out . Seriously , it 's an experience that everyone should have at least once . A month or so ago , we had a neighbor move in with a boy a year older than Ben , so now he has a built in playmate on the weekends or after he gets home from daycare . It was great until we realized that now we had to teach him about keeping the sabbath day holy and not playing with friends on Sunday . We had a Family Home Evening on it and tried to talk about all the things we could do instead and that it was a family day . It was only mediocre . Maddie kept stealing everything for visual aids and the pen for writing our " Can Do " list . Finally , Ben was bored and we gave up . He sort of got it . This Sunday , we went on a walk to a neighbors house to deliver some paperwork before church . Ben rode his bike . Later on , he told Brian how extremely worried he was about what he had done . " We aren 't supposed to work on Sunday , but I worked on pedaling ! " He was seriously distressed . Brian had to calm him down . Another thing that caused him some serious consternation was the TV commercials they kept running . " Those guys keep saying ' It 's a great idea to order today . " But it isn 't a good idea because it 's Sunday . " He just couldn 't understand why they would say that over and over if it was such a bad idea . Ben discovered a new channel on our TV and has been watching it lots in the last week . We got our new digital TV tuner , and have discovered the magic channel called " qubo . " This is the first time Ben has been exposed to real commercials and I can 't believe how he can almost recite some of them . He tells me all the time out of the blue , " Mom , we need _________" ( fill in blank with space saver bags , a cell phone holder or the pancake puff pan ) . Ben and Maddie came with us today to my regular 20 week check - up for the pregnancy . Ben was interested in what is happening with the baby , so we thought why not . Maddie was mostly interested in opening every drawer and using the potty in the exam room . Oh well . Ben was excited to see the pictures and moved the chair around the room to get the best view of the TV screen . When he was settled , we waited about 30 minutes . I started seriously rethinking my good sense of bringing them . . . Eventually , the doctor come in . Ben got to turn off the light and he showed him the baby on the screen from the ultrasound on my belly . We think he liked it , but it was hard to tell . He seemed to be able to follow when we pointed out a head or a hand moving . Brian asked Ben if the baby had clothes on . He told Brian that I had told him that the baby didn 't have a dresser to keep his clothes in , so he 'd just have to wait to get clothes when it came out . Right now he is just naked . When Ben was 3 and then 3 1 / 2 we had multiple problems , he freaked out at the regular dentist , big time . . . not because they traumatized him . . . he never even touched the chair to sit down . So they finally told me he was old enough that he had to be seen and if they couldn 't do it , I needed to try a pediatric dentist with balloons and toys and stuff . So we found one and took him at 3 1 / 2 . He screamed the entire time we were there . I had to physically restrain him so they could examine him on my lap . When we left , he told me , " Don 't worry , next time we come I 'll be four years old and when I 'm four , I won 't be scared of the dentist anymore . " Today was he next 6 month check up . We scheduled Maddie too . I had been psyching myself up for the trip and doing it alone for weeks now . I was trying to tell myself that I could trust Ben 's 6 month old promise to do great . When it came down to it , I chickened out . Brian came along . Good thing he did . Both Ben and Maddie had to be restrained so they could even brush their teeth with a regular brush on Brian 's lap while I calmed the other kid and distracted them with a movie or balloons . Ben is getting super strong by the way . . . The second Maddie was done , she was totally fine and watched Ben telling me it was Ben 's turn to clean his teeth and climbing on the examination chair , happy as can be . Ben clung desperately to us , even after his turn was over . I have no idea how to make him stop freaking out at everything new to him . I 'm so desperately open to any and all advise . Next time will be even more crazy as it will be complicated with a 2 month old baby tagging along . . . yikes . The first week with glasses was a serious struggle . We learned real quickly that we should just not make a big deal about anything and it would always go over better . Rather than demanding he wear the glasses , I 'd just say , after you finish eating your rice , can you go grab your glasses . Ben would grumble , but usually comply . Then when he had them on , would tell me he didn 't like his glasses and didn 't want to wear them . About two weeks after he got them though , I realized that I never had to ask anymore . I hadn 't even noticed the change occurring . While he still claimed for several weeks that the glasses didn 't make any difference except make the sun brighter , he wore them on his own . This week I 've noticed that he will say things like , " Wait a minute , I have to get my glasses to help my eyes read that better . " He does still claim that while he can see almost everything better , he cannot see the color grey better . Grey just looks bad still . I think I may look into color blind tests too since Brian has some trouble with his colors . One funny thing he said tonight was that my glasses weren 't cool . He told me President Weber at church had cooler glasses than Mom or Ben . I asked what made his glasses so cool . His reply was that they had three lines in them ( i . e . trifocals ) . He really wants trifocals now . During church , we 're trying to get Ben to be reverent during the passing of the sacrament . We whisper Bible stories to him and look at pictures of Jesus and things like that . Today , we talked about the story of Adam and Eve . I told him the story of the Garden of Eden , how God told them not to eat anything on that tree because it was a bad choice and there would be a punishment . He put two and two together and asked , " Was it cookies on that tree ? Because we shouldn 't eat cookies unless our Mommy says okay . That 's a bad choice because it 's so sugary . " PBS has a quick little add they run between shows promo - ing the upcoming shows . One says , " Dragon Tales . . . you can 't miss it . " Or whatever show is coming up in an hour or so . The commercial always upsets Ben . He gets so completely frustrated and in a totally irritated voice he tells me , " Mom , it says , ' You can 't miss it . ' but I always do . " Each time I try to stifle a snicker , but he always hears and gets upset with me . " It 's not funny , Mom . I really do always miss it ! " If you 're not stifling a snicker after reading this , you have no sense of humor . . . It sure is fun to be a mom . : ) Most people that know me know about my little obsession for shopping consignment sales for my kids clothes . I 've got amazing deals on most everything I 've ever bought there . Last April , I got Maddie a cute Dora the Explorer outfit with shorts and a t - shirt . I figured she could wear it the other day , it was 24 months , but she has figured out who Dora is now and I knew she 'd love it . She did . She 'd point at her tummy and say " Dora " or " Boots " . The down side is that within seconds of putting it on , I knew we had a problem . Somewhere out there , some other poor mother bought the other half of the outfit I wanted . The seller must have bought matching outfits for girls one year apart , because I have a 12 month top and a 24 month bottom . So , Maddie 's belly button shows , but the pants almost fall off her waist . Oh well , overall , not a bad record at the sales . . . For the last two weeks , Ben has been playing trains to feed his obsession . Then the last 24 hours , he has upgraded the experience . He decided that the conductor needs to wear hearing protection , like Brian does when he mows the lawn . I got Ben some old industrial strength ear muffs from the basement , meant for use in a noisy refinery . . . and he hasn 't heard a word I 've said since yesterday afternoon . He is completely in his own little world . Every time he comes over to tell me something , he raises his voice to a ridiculous level . As annoying as it is , I have to admit that it is totally cute . Posted by Ben and Maddie are both founding members of the Grandma Zufelt fan club . They were obviously , totally spoiled by the amount of time that Anne spent with them . When I got home , they were seriously upset with our return to regular life where I have other responsibilities than playing trains and reading books . Grandma , they want you back ! ! Today Ben was praying and asked God to " bless God to be safe today . " So sweet that he would think to care about God . Most of us just ask for things for ourselves , but God gives , gives , gives and we really don 't think much of him in that way . Some days I want to be more like sweet , pure Ben . I was a bit sad about being in lower camp this year . It 's a serious hike up and down the nasty hill every day . You pack everything you will ever need for the day just so you don 't have to go back until bedtime . Turns out there are some benefits to being at the bottom . Upper Camp - The youngest girls sleep here . It 's right by the campfire ring , nice bathrooms at the swimming pool with double the toilet stalls and an extra shower . When these girls see a mouse in their cabin ( by the way , they are in EVERY cabin at camp ) , the night is totally ruined . They scream and cry and worry . They adults and Youth Leaders have to spend hours calming them down and they usually end up sleeping in another cabin , just so the adults can finally go to sleep themselves . Middle Camp - The middle levels of camp girls sleep here . Accommodations are not quite so posh , but reasonable . Usually , your shower is accompanied by spider in the shower stall . Mice abound in these cabins as well . When middle camp girls see a mouse in their cabin , they scream and freak out and run away . They can at least be logically calmed , but usually do end up spending the night in the Youth Leader cabin as well . Of course , they do get mad at each other for leaving candy out . Lower Camp - The oldest girls in camp . When we were doing our nightly rounds of cabins , tucking in the girls and singing them a lullaby of whatever they wanted , here is what happened in one cabin . . . The girls were laying on their cots talking with us adults . One jumped from her relaxed laying position to up on her knees . " Oh my gosh , I just saw a mouse ! " She points to where it was , in the closet about 1 foot from where her head is . They are all totally interested and we investigate with a flashlight . Yep ! There sure is a mouse . We laugh with the girls about how crazy camp is , sing them their goodnight song and head off . Didn 't hear another word from them all night . I just got home from Young Women 's Camp this afternoon . The truck is unloaded , girls delivered , lost and found spread over the back porch to dry , I finally showered . Then Ben woke up from his nap . I had promised him if he gave me time to finish my jobs I would play trains as soon as he woke up . We commenced our play . He told me which track and which trains I could use . I followed along , my body getting lower and lower to the ground until he would ask why I wasn 't driving my train anymore . I 'd get up and play again . Finally , my train drove down the ramp onto the carpet for a tour of the living room . He asked me to wait for his train to come on the tour . Next thing I know , I remember hearing myself tell him to go get his Scripture Mastery Cards , presumably so he can pass off his memorized scripture verses to Sister Gardner at camp . . . I realize what I have said and become aware that I had drifted off to sleep on the floor . I asked Ben what we were talking about . He just stared at me with a totally confused look on his face and said he had no idea what I was talking about . Maybe you had to be there , and be so completely physically exhausted to think that weep - ons of war are funny , but me , my cabin mates and my YLs will forever snicker inside when we recall our week of weep - ons . During 4th year certification , the Youth Leaders got really bored . They had pocket knives and started whittling sticks . Soon they found pointy rocks , etc , etc , wasn 't long before they had made themselves spears and were acting like cavemen . Alexandra told us a story about her younger brother who had been reading scriptures with the family and read about weapons of war , but pronounced it weep - ons . So , the spears became weep - ons . Alexandra and Tess began acting like cavemen , with tribal chanting , threatening terrible attacks , ridiculous dances , you know - - The Works . We adult leaders thought it was totally funny . I was in the dining hall after lunch and the girls came to ask where Sister Baker , our Stake YW President , was so they could show her all their new weep - ons . I told them they couldn 't show her until they were in full costume with war paint . I knew just where to find face paint in the craft supplies . After getting in costume , we ran up the hill to the pool . They had been running toward the pool before , so I ran with them . They got distracted talking to someone as we left the mess hall , so I ended up running in front . The girls were laughing so hard that they couldn 't keep up . I told them to pick it up , don 't let the pregnant lady beat them up the hill . By the time I got to the top , I was laughing so hard I could barely breath and was tripping on my feet . From the pool , the Stake YW Presidency heard crazy Indian war cries , followed by me coming up over the crest of the hill . I totally tripped because I couldn 't stand up anymore for the laughing and rolled across the ground . The girls were charging right behind me up to the top of the hill , spears raised and chanting . I haven 't laughed that hard in a long , long , long time . I totally LOVE camp . I show up the first of the week my regular self and come home a wPosted by This was a hard fought competition for the cleanest cabin award , or the Golden Broom Award . The cleanest cabin in each area gets an award every day . We , the adult leaders in lower camp , thought we should win . We did a great job at cleaning up our cabin every morning . On the first day of cabin inspections , we had done a great job . Then some of the Youth Leaders hadn 't brought any materials to teach the 4th year girls how to make bedrolls . Nancy Palmer sent them to our cabin to get her bedding to use to demonstrate . They ripped the sheets off her bed and all her nicely stacked clothes were all dumped everywhere . When our YLs inspected our cabin , they were not impressed . They left a note , " Dear Adult Leaders , You WOULD HAVE won the golden broom , but , Nancy Palmer . . . self explanatory . Love , your YLs . " We harassed them a bit and plead our case , but were unsuccessful at swinging the vote in our direction . It was our last chance to win it on Friday . Jan swept the cabin ( plus porch and stairs ) two or three times to be sure everything was in order . Our name tags on the door were straightened and alphabetized . Candy was sprinkled on each of our pillows to share with our inspectors . A cute note was taped to the door , " Welcome Cabin Inspectors ! Please enjoy your stay . Have a wonderful day ! Love , Adult Leaders " All day we campaigned for the award every chance we got to encourage the YLs in the right direction . The good news ? WE WON ! ! And we received the award with all the graciousness in the world , or maybe it was hooping and hollering . . . I can 't remember . : ) So I considered and rethought for weeks whether it would be a good idea for me to do a hike at camp with the girls . I admit to being totally out of shape , but my main concern was being pregnant , away from camp and having trouble . I had at least selected the shortest hike of the four . Just a one mile then the girls would rock climb for an hour or so with two great guys helping teach them what to do , and a quick one mile home . It wasn 't until I got to camp Monday that I found out it wasn 't a stroll in the park sort of mile . The trail map showed " Steep Incline " for about 1 / 2 mile and the rest , in my opinion was also a " Steep Incline " . I figured if the weather was good on that day , I could do it . The morning of the hike was beautiful . I decided not to wimp out and give it a try . I was totally winded most of the hike up the mountain , but it wasn 't that bad . I didn 't ever think I needed to quit and go back , so no problem . At the top , the girls had been rock climbing on the four climbs set up for them about an hour while the other leaders and I watched . Then one of the fun 4th year girls , Kim , challenged me to a race . I totally wanted to do it . I 've climbed enough to know it wasn 't a real risky thing to do ( if done right ) and feel comfortable on the rock . Our belayers had us totally safe so no one was going to fall more than 3 inches . I did , however , know how hard the leaders had to work to make rock climbing happen this year though , and didn 't want to put that in jeopardy at all . I looked at our camp director , Kathy , so see what she would say . She told me I was an adult and if my doctor wouldn 't have a problem with me rock climbing , it was my choice . I jumped into the harness and we were off ! I figured there was no way I 'd actually win , but why not try ? I actually turned out a pretty good lead at the beginning and got too comfortable . I stopped for a second to catch my breath and rest because Kim was far enough behind me . Then I started climbing again . She not only caught up , but won the race . Turns out my climb was super easy to start and hers was hard , then switched at the top . I just couldn 't recover when my climb got hard and she won fair and square . In fact , we stayed almost together right up to the top . In the last 3 inches , I just couldn 't find anything to hold onto anymore . I swear it took me 10 minutes to go those last 3 inches . Anyway , she won while I was still searching for a foothold . How frustrating to be inches away and have her totally kill me . Oh well . Next time I won 't take a break . Better watch out Kim I 'll get you next time ! ! So , I 'm not quite sure how it started . I wonder if Catherine just got frustrated with trying to fix her hair up at camp without a decent shower or a mirror . Really , I don 't know . I went in to wake up my Youth Leaders and kick them out of bed one morning . Catherine was up and fixing her hair . Finally , she declared that it was just going to be crazy hair day . She told me I had to participate . So , I whipped out my bag of elastic bands , and standing right there in their cabin , put ponytails all over my head . It was a contest after all , with chocolate as the prize . No one had had chocolate for days by now and I was going to win it ! ! While we were off rock climbing , one of the cool 4th year girls , Melissa , offered to braid each of the ponytails for me . It looked even better by the time I got back to camp . Then I went swimming to cool off and we made the braids loop back into a circle , so I had big loops sticking up all over my head . No one in camp was giving me any sort of true competition until dinner . Michelle Dart came to dinner with toothpaste , chapstick and a bunch of other stuff stuck in her hair . I had nothing more to offer . They ended up choosing to award one prize to an adult and one to a youth leader , so I was still able to get a treat and the sweet , sweet victory of winning . The pictures just don 't do it justice , but it was cool . . . This is Ben , filling in for Mom while she is away ( with a little help from Dad ) . Mom went to girls camp this week and has been gone for 3 days . I hope the next 3 days pass quickly so she will be home soon . Don 't worry - - Grandma Zufelt dropped in to play with me and Maddie while Mom is away and Brian is at work . Before Mom left for girls camp , we went on a fishing expedition using the couch as our boat and Potsy ( my doll ) was the fishing pole . I drove the boat . We caught lots of big fish and cooked them and then ate them . Mom , Maddie , Grandma Z , and Ben fishingGrandma Zufelt has done lots of fun things with me this week . We went to ride the train at Burke Lake Park , we played with my Thomas train set for three days straight and we went on some walks together . We also made some spaghetti with some playdough . Me , Maddie , and Grandma Zufelt at Burk Lake ParkToday we went outside to watch the workers replacing some of our cement sidewalk with their bobcat tractor that gets cement out of the mud and they brought a cement truck with a cement slide to fill the hole . They called the cement truck on the phone to come fill the hole . They worked very fast because it was a fast job . I am having lots of fun with Grandma , but I miss Mom a lot . I will be happy when she comes home on Saturday . Brian decided he really wanted to can more cherries , so he went an bought a ton more . Brian , Ben and Anne all donned aprons and started working to bottle the fruit . Maddie didn 't want to be left out , so on her own , she went and found an apron and brought it to the worker group to have it put on so she could help . Of course , she had nothing else on so her clothes didn 't get ruined . Here are some fun pictures of the kids working with grandma , including Maddie 's attempts to clean up by wiping everything , including her toes . Guess they must have been sticky . I don 't even know how to describe this new sort of play . It is so detailed , so meticulous , so planned and purposeful . The trains must follow certain tracks at certain times . If anything breaks , we have to call the maintenance crew to fix it , not just put the track back . Ben will line up the trains on top of the coffee table all facing me on the couch . Then I have to babysit , including telling them stories and giving a report to the grown - up trains when they get home from their meetings . The trains even have errands to run . Ben will wait until the clock hands point at a predetermined number before it is time to leave for the errand run . I used to suggest he could just take care of the errand early , but he said the people waiting to ride the train know how to wait patiently , so they will be just fine and we can all wait for 11 o ' clock or whenever . He is often found wandering around with a tape measure to be sure things are just the right size . Of course , the numbers don 't mean much to him yet , he just makes up a number most of the time . Same thing applies to all types of play , swimming , building with blocks , sesame street , cars , marble works , etc , etc . Tonight at dinner , Ben was again sharing his plans for our future . Either we should have two more babies or three more babies . He chose that we should have three , then he decided we should have four so we could have two more girls and two more boys . That way there is the same amount . Plus , if three of the kids were busy , then there would still be some left to play with . Ben is learning to read . He loves it . We 'll be driving home from somewhere and he 'll tell me that as soon as we get home , he wants to read for as many minutes as he can until we have to do another project . If I can 't do it with him , he says that 's okay because he can use the CDs to read with him . He is totally eating it up ! He read his first simple book yesterday . I came in and he had skipped ahead a ways right to the book . It had lots of words he hadn 't ever practiced , but he read the whole thing just great ! We 're proud of him and his enthusiasm . After Ben was born , he cried a lot . He would only be happy if I was holding him . I learned to be very efficient at typing with one hand on the computer and made up lots of little projects to occupy my time . Ben would sleep in my lap on the nursing pillow if I kept one hand on him . One of my made up projects became sort of an obsession . It took many weeks of one handed typing , learning to format , searching for clipart and lyrics , etc . I put together a camp song book of all the songs I remembered singing at camp as a girl . After weeks of work , it was done and really cute . I got it formatted to print as a bi - fold book with color images . . . it was perfect . I was so proud and wanted to get it printed real nice so I could take it to camp with me . When I tried printing it , I realized that we only had an inkjet printer , which meant if it ever got a drop of rain on it , it would be ruined . Ugh . Checking prices at all the copy shops only made me more discouraged . I think the cheapest store was going to charge me $ 75 ! ! That 's nuts . I resigned myself to a cheap version on our home printer , but kept running out of ink and the pictures didn 't look good anymore when the blue cartridge was low , etc . Eventually , I just ran out of steam . The dream died and I was really sad . This week , out of the blue , Brian asked if I still wanted to print my camp songbook . He offered to print it at work and said he had figured out how to do it on the laser printer , double sided , as a book , etc , etc , exactly as I had dreamed . Brian always finds ways to make my day better . Sometimes though , he totally blows me away with his thoughtfulness , like making this book happen . I love him . Ben had a total tantrum the other day when it was time to leave his friend Brigham 's house . Full out on the ground kicking , screaming and crying . Reasoning wasn 't working , never mind we had just spent two hours at the pool together . So Brigham offered to let Ben borrow his Thomas train while he was on vacation for three weeks if he could calm down . A deal was made and we departed . Within a block , he started freaking out . " I left the Thomas ! " I was pretty sure he had it in his hand walking out , but couldn 't totally guarantee it . I asked him to calm down , but he was nuts . Maddie was already falling asleep , though I don 't know how she could with the wild screaming going on . Ben wouldn 't calm down , so he couldn 't earn the train back and boy did I hear it all the way home . That was a super long 15 minutes . I looked all over the floor of the truck when we got home and couldn 't find the train . I figured we really had left it at Brigham 's place . First thing this morning , Ben was tantruming again because he wanted to go get the train at Brigham 's house . I told him he had to earn it . It took 1 1 / 2 hours to clean up 20 books , 2 blankets and 10 pieces of clothes . Finally , I called Brigham 's mom to see if we could drop by . She said they didn 't have it , so I checked the truck again . Sure enough , Thomas was right in Ben 's car seat . Touching the side of his leg the entire 15 minute drive with Ben scream at the top of his lungs . Lesson learned : never trust the eyes of a 4 year old when they tell you they looked everywhere . Now we just need to figure out what to do about all these wretched tantrums . I 've about had it . . . Two years ago I decided I really wanted to try canning cherries , so I ordered a super cool cherry pitter with springs and lots of fun engineering looking gadgets . I was totally excited to use it . Then I found out that I had just missed the cherry harvest . I had to wait an entire year ! Ugh . The next spring came and I was determined to get some last year . I wanted to cry when a freeze destroyed the entire crop here in our region . Another year of waiting to use my super cool machine . After waiting two years , Brian picked up some cherries last Saturday morning . I decided to take a nap in the afternoon . Before I fell asleep , I started hearing a rhythmic , pop - clunk . I knew what it was and tried with all my might to stay in bed to give Ben and Brian their special time . Finally , I couldn 't take it any longer . I had to see the cherry pitter in action . Ben met me at the kitchen door and threw himself across the doorway , trying with all his might to block the door by touching both sides of the wall . We 're making a surprise , he said desperately . I had to tell Brian I what I wanted so he could talk Ben into letting me in to see the kitchen . Finally , after the long years of waiting , I was able to pit my cherries . Or at least use the machine . We figure it pitted around half of them . The other half are still inside because the plunger missed the pit and just made holes in the side of the fruit . Sort of a let down . Maybe next year , we 'll just leave the pits in and keep it simple . Who knew that canning would come to define a home to me . I hated picking fruit , cleaning it , preparing it , bottling it , washing the bottles , carrying jars up and down the stairs to the basement storage . It was WAY too much work to be worth it . I made a vow to myself that I would never do it again when I had a house of my own . I 've included some fun pictures of our family in the fruit orchards the last few years . Ben in peach orchard at 2 1 / 2 yrs old . Brian and I went through school happy as can be , living in our small apartments with no yard to mow or things to fix . None of the things we had to do during our growing up years . Finally we finished school , started working and bought a cute little house in Houston , Texas . It was probably the very next fall as the weather began to turn cooler in November that I felt this odd tug in my heart to make my house a home . I really wanted to can applesauce . That would make it home to me . Weird , I thought , that I 'd ever want to do that . Maddie in peach orchard at 1 year . Two years passed and I thought of it from time to time . Finally , I tried my first strawberry jam when my mom was in town after I had Ben . It was fun to make and mom was there to make sure I didn 't ruin it and waste all that money . That jam was precious to me and we made a ton . About three months later , Kristie and Anthony moved in . We shared groceries , cooking and chores ( though they were lots better at doing their chores than I ever was . . . ) . I saw the jam disappearing so quickly it made me want to cry . Kristie had a rule that if we have any kind of pasta , from lasagna to mac ' n ' cheese , we must have bread with the meal . Of course , having bread means you must have jam . It sure went fast . There were about 8 bottles left when we moved to Virginia . I seriously considered how I could bring 8 jars of freezer jam on the airplane . In the end , I bequeathed them all to Kristie and Anthony . It was a really sad day for me to say goodbye to it . Angie , Maddie and Ben picking raspberries . Upon our arrival in Virginia , I became grPosted by We have speed bumps on the small road to our house . We 've always disliked them , but Brian started playing a game with the whole thing a few weeks ago . Every time we come home , Brian would ask Ben if he took the bumps out of the road , because he didn 't want to go over the bumps today . Ben at first seemed concerned , like he might get in trouble and wasn 't sure quite why . Soon , he began to catch on to the game and would laugh and start to tell us it was Mom 's job or Dad 's job , not his . One day this week , we were just about at the turn into our neighborhood and he got this silly grin on his face from the back seat with his cute little glasses . He got real serious and sounded stern when he asked , " Dad , did you get those bumps out of the way ? Because I don 't want to go over any bumps today . " Then he broke into a huge grin , anxiously waiting for us to play his game . It is getting really fun for him to grow up and start playing grown up games . His imagination is amazing and fun . We spent a long time playing during Maddie 's nap on Sunday with the old Sesame Street Fisher Price toys I had as a kid . They play in the boats and the bird houses Ben makes at the Home Depot classes , fly in cardboard box airplanes and have to eat at the restaurant while Mr . Hooper drives the trash truck around the neighborhood and takes it all to the local dump by the fireplace . The detail in his play these days is delightful . BenBen always says , " On real ? " when he means , " For real ? " MaddieMaddie is obsessed with telling us what she wants . I always hear her demanding what type of shoes , pajamas , swim suit , cup , spoon , toy ball , baby doll and binkies . She always tells me , " Dis Kind . " From her crib in the morning between 6 : 45 and 7 : 15 each morning I hear , " Cereal , Mommy ? " That 's what he screamed as we heard Ben 's little feet running out of the bathroom two weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon when we were entertaining guests for dinner . He was shrieking and as we ran from the kitchen , Brian saw Ben wearing only a shirt and tried to send him back into the bathroom to put his clothes on . Then he saw the wall of water chasing Ben out the bathroom door . " I BROKE THE TOILET ! ! " he yelled . He broke down in tears . I ran upstairs and grabbed a ton of towels and threw them down to a friend to stop the water wall just before it hit the carpet while Brian shut off the water at the wall . Ben was crying , scared , wet and half naked . We sent him upstairs to put on some clean , dry clothes . I knew we had been going through WAY to much toilet paper , but with trying to potty train Maddie , I chalked it up to her . Turns out the excess toilet paper culprit was Ben . He was filling the entire toilet bowl with each flush . So we have a new household limit of 5 sheets per flush . If you come to visit , please plan accordingly . : ) To really top off the event , Brian threw the wet towels in the basement sink when he was done mopping up . Monday morning I did the laundry . The washing machine drains into that sink . It was full of towels and I didn 't notice . When I came down to change the loads , the basement was flooded . Ugh . . . At least the water heater hadn 't exploded or the foundation leaked again ? There is a bright side to every bad situation , right ? Ben keeps telling me that " No matter what , I 'm telling Cindy ( neighbor ) that her tree is blocking my way to see the swimming pool . " It makes him feel really bad . And I laugh every time he brings it up because he 's going to tattle tale on the tree . He says he can 't see the pool while he 's sleeping . Shouldn 't his eyes be closed while he 's sleeping ? The Fourth of July 2008Megan , one of my super cool friends , said it best , " A bit underwhelming , but still fun . " We went to our ward pancake breakfast early so the crazy people could go to the Fairfax parade . I had to pick Ben up out of bed , dress him and carry him to the car . It was 8 am , but he was wiped out . Usually he 's up at 7 . Angie , Ben and Maddie riding the MetroThen we hung out at the house , enjoying NOT doing anything for an hour or so before we headed to our monthly appointment with Home Depot Kid class . Ben looks forward to it all month , so we cannot miss . We went with Lauren and Rocky this month , then did a super expensive Costco run on the way home . We got Ben Hooked on Phonics and he loves it ! Mostly it was all about opening all the packages as fast as he could . Maddie and reflection on MetroAfternoon brought nap time for everyone but me . I crammed out stuff for YW Camp in two weeks as fast as I could so I could catch some ZZZ 's with the rest of the bunch . Alas , little feet came down the stairs and I was still on the computer . Oh well . I got a lot done and then we headed to the Soderborg 's house for a relaxing BBQ . Megan , Jackson and Brigham watching fireworks . At 7 : 30 we headed downtown on the Metro to watch the fireworks with Megan , Lauren and all the little people . We got separated in the mess of people trying to buy train tickets and we jumped on the train . When we connected via cell phone , I was about to give quick last minute instructions of where we were headed and which train transfer to take to get to Arlington when the Metro entered the tunnel . Oh well , huh ? Just cross your fingers and hope . . . Maddie on Angie 's shoulders watching fireworksWe got to Arlington Cemetery and actually found everyone again . We watched the fireworks and had a pleasant time . Brian heard that an explosion in a port in China " used " about 40 % of the fireworks for this year . I 'd say that was about right . It was a lot shorter than it should have been . Plus , note for next year , check the wind report . On top of only gettingPosted by Maddie is really easy to discipline these last two weeks . I just say , " Maddie , do you need to have a time out ? " She says , " Yeah . " Then she walks herself over to the staircase and sits . After a minute or maybe a little less , she gets up , walks over to Ben . She gives him a hug and says , " Sorry " with a big smile and goes about her business . How long will that dream world last for me ? Ben also loves his new loft bed . It has a desk underneath and a play space . He loves sleeping way up in the air . We still have to find a mattress that fits because it is about 3 inches too skinny and 6 inches too short for a twin mattress . Any suggestions are welcome . He 's sleeping on a pile of blankets , but doesn 't seem to care at all about being uncomfortable . Ben did lots better today when we went to get his glasses . I have definitely felt some strong impressions that the best way to encourage him is to make everything no big deal . With Maddie , we do crazy wild potty dances to celebrate and get her excited . That never really worked with Ben . Same thing here . When I try to talk about the glasses or make an exciting show of anything in his life , he clams up and becomes very uncomfortable . We talked about going to pick them up and that he would have to wear them all the days after then . He just took it in stride . No throwing glasses on the floor this time . He let the doctor put them on his face and check for a second that they fit right . Then we got him to mutter a " Thank You " before we left the office . He told me he didn 't like them and that it made things bigger and the sun was brighter as we drove to Fosse Preschool . I agreed that he didn 't have to wear them to preschool , but when I picked him up , he would wear them the rest of the day . I went to my meetings and upon my return put his glasses in Potsy 's hands and went inside to get him . He was excited to see me and Potsy . He noticed the glasses and didn 't say a word . He held them as we talked for a minute . As soon as we got in the truck , he put them right on . While we drove home , he casually asked simple questions about them , like can they get water and rain on them ? Where do we put the glasses case ? Etc . . . To quietly celebrate , we had a Mommy - Ben Library Date after dinner . We got lots of books and read them together without the constant interruption of Maddie pulling books off the shelves and me having to chase her . It was really nice . So the doctor was in no rush today . He said it is kind of fun for him to use his smaller ultrasound to figure out if it is a boy or a girl and asked if I wanted him to try . Figuring we were only 16 weeks and I thought even at 20 weeks with the monster machine it is hard to find out , I said yes . He won 't be able to tell anyway , right ? Well , he says he 's 90 % sure the baby is a BOY ! Time will tell of course , but how fun to be able to start planning . This totally throws off the plans to be just like the Soderborg family as explained in my previous post , but hey , hopefully Ben can defer his best planning and judgment to God . Right now , Ben was super excited it was going to probably be a boy because now we can name it A . J . His friend brought their next door neighbor to the park a few months ago and Ben had lots of fun with him . Since that day , he 's been planning to name the baby A . J . after the neighbor kid . |
Mom had come home to die . Lung cancer had taken a lot of her weight and the oncologists at the hospital had said there was nothing more they could do for her . From her bed , Mom could look out over the snow - covered New Mexico hills to the rolling desert to the south . As I was sitting with her on the day before she died , she saw my wife in our red Jeep Grand Cherokee turning into the driveway , bringing more groceries . " White , " she said . " Even though your dad has been dead for several years now , a lot of people my age still talk about something that happened many years ago . I think you should know the truth , but I 'm afraid it might change how you feel about your dad . I don 't want you to ever stop loving your dad . He was a good man . " Grover Duncan was the boy Mom was dating in high school when she met Dad . She had had only a few dates before meeting Grover and these were with a boring , acne - infested loser named Milton . Milton 's life comprised riding a rusting bicycle to his part - time job at a local malt shop and studying hard to make an occasional B . Mom had seen Grover around the school since the beginning of her freshman year . He wore a black leather jacket over a white t - shirt and had hair like Frankie Avalon . He was popular with the girls , dating one after another , never staying with any of them for very long . Mom always admired him from afar , but never wanted to break up another girl 's romance or to be so forward that she garnered a reputation as a trollop . For his part , Grover never seemed to notice her - as far as Mom knew . In her junior year , Mom " blossomed " ( as she put it ) into a woman with a growth spurt that included her breasts . She also started listening to her mom 's advice to dress more " lady - like " to attract a decent boy . One day in the cafeteria she noticed Grover looking her over as he sat talking to his latest chick , Myrtle , over lunch . Soon , Mom was catching him giving her " the once over " more and more often , always smiling when he did . The day after Mom heard that Grover had dumped Myrtle , he asked her out to the movies . Mom thought she was the coolest chick in school caught up in a whirlwind romance with the coolest cat . Grover worked after school in an auto repair shop , which was decent money then , and it kept him in gas for his Harley - Davidson that he kept in near - mint condition . Mom had never ridden on a motorcycle before meeting Grover . She loved wrapping her arms around his chest , the feel of the leather as she rested her chin on his shoulder , and the wind most of all , blowing through her hair and pulling at her skirt as the sun shone down on them as they rode to a football game or down to Angel Peak for a picnic . Riding behind him gave her a sense of freedom she had never known before . He treated her more like a lady than she had been treated before by holding doors open for her , buying her dinner , or occasionally bringing her a wildflower or a Hershey bar . He also taught Mom how to have fun by not being a lady , by teaching her to drink beer and smoke cigarettes . He carried a switchblade wherever he went , which Mom thought was cool , though it frightened her a little , because if someone offended her , Grover would pull it out in an instant , if he didn 't punch the guy out first . " He was the handsomest , coolest boy in school , " Mom said , " and he always told me I was the prettiest girl in school , though I think a lot of girls were prettier . " But before long , problems arose . With a deep blush , Mom told me that Grover couldn 't keep his hands off her . He was always feeling or pinching her . She admitted that she enjoyed thMom jerked back , spun around , and slapped the old man , knocking the cigarette from his mouth . " Don 't do that ! " she said . Just after the old man disappeared around the corner , Grover came out of the restroom and sauntered into the station looking for Mom , only to find her shaken and almost in tears . He asked what had happened and she told him . Grover ran out of the station after the old man and Mom ran after him . When she came around the corner , she saw that Grover had already knocked the old man to the ground and was sitting on his chest , pinning the old man 's arms down with his knees , and punching him repeatedly in his blood - drenched face . Grover yelled at the man , " You gonna touch my girl again ? Huh ? You gonna touch her again ? Huh ? Huh ! " " Kill ' im ? Good idea ! " Grover whipped out his switchblade and touched the tip of the old man 's nose with its point . The old man 's eyes widened with fear . " No . Please , don 't . " " Don 't ? My girl didn 't want you to touch her . Didn 't she tell you ' Don 't ' ? " He flicked the knife and cut deeply into the old man 's nose . The old man jerked his head back and groaned in pain . Grover quickly flicked his knife back and forth repeatedly , making little cuts in the man 's face and chest , saying , " Don 't ! Don 't ! Don 't ! Don 't ! " over and over while the old man squirmed trying to get away , but was able only to groan and cry out in agony . Mom ran up and with both hands grabbed Grover 's wrist and stopped the switchblade from descending once again . " Grove , c ' mon ! C ' mon before the cops come . " She pulled his arm back and up and Grover rose , kicking the old man 's ribs three times once he was standing . " You son of a bitch ! " Grover said . " Don 't you ever touch my girl again ! " Grover kicked the old man in the face . The old man covered his blood - stained face and rolled away from Grover , picking broken teeth out of his mouth . Grover looked at his fist covered in the old man 's blood , licked it , and grinned . " Y ' know , I really enjoyed that . " He took a step forward and kicked the old man in the ribs again . " Yeah , man . That 's good . I like it ! " Grover said and then kicked him again . " Remember me , old man . " Grover wiped the sweat from his face and walked off with Mom back to his motorcycle . As they drove back into town , they passed a police car heading toward the gas station with its light flashing and siren wailing . After saying good night to Grover at her house , Mom went inside to find her parents pacing back and forth , angry at her for coming home so late . " We thought we were going to have to send the police to look for you . We were so worried , " said her mom . Then she noticed Mom shaking . " What 's wrong ? Why are you shivering ? You look pale . Is everything all right ? " " Everything 's fine . I won 't stay out this late again . I promise . I 'm just cold . That 's all . " " But it 's hot outside . " " I 'm just cold . I 'm going to my room . " She ran upstairs . She didn 't sleep that night . She lay awake , feeling nauseous and wondering about the kind of man she had become involved with . After dating Grover for several months , Mom grew tired of the routine and increasingly frequent fighting and began to want someone that could offer a lifelong romance and happiness , rather than someone who was always on the lookout for another fight or for his next score , whether it be women , beer , or cigarettes . Some of her friends were going steady with their guys and were nearly delirious at the thought of spending their lives with someone with whom they were madly in love . Mom envied their happiness and the happy marriage of her own parents , who had been together for twenty years . She realized that she would never experience that happiness with Grover , who shied away from the subject of rings and of building a life together - unless he was trying to talk her out of her clothes . Then Mom met Dad . Dad 's family had moved up from Santa Fe early in his senior year . They met for the first time in the school cafeteria when Mom was sitting with some friends and one who knew Dad from English class invited him over . Mom knew he was a good man right from the start . He impressed Mom as tall , clean - cut , polite , funny , and very smart , but there was something more . He treated her with respect - like a lady should be . She smiled and confessed that it also didn 't hurt that he looked like Tony Curtis but with eyes as blue as a warm , summer sky and that he had a blue and white Plymouth . Having a car instead of a motorcycle told her that he was looking for a family one day , because her dad and all of her dad 's friends who had families had similar cars . He was very sociable , likeable , and played outfield on the baseball team . He also had dreams of becoming a prosecuting attorney and had plans for college and law school as soon as he could save enough money to start . These dreams stemmed from a seemingly innate drive to right as many wrongs in society as he could . He never wanted to defend someone he knew to be guilty . He wanted to do whatever he could to see justice done to those who had harmed others . In contrast , Grover hoped to own a motorcycle dealership one day , but never developed a workable plan for achieving that . He also had trouble budgeting his money and sometimes had to resort to petty theft to stay in beer and gasoline . His only dreams consisted of fantasy dates with Annette Funicello . Mom broke it off suddenly and publicly with Grover . He was taking her to see Beach Blanket Bingo at the Saturday matinee in downtown Farmington , when they ran into some of Mom 's friends going there also . They decided to sit together . After the lights went down and Annette appeared , Grover started running his hand along Mom 's thigh . Mom kept slapping his hands away . Finally , he put his hand on her knee and started to slowly run his hand up her thigh and under her skirt . She heard one of her friends behind her giggAfter having dated Grover , what Mom admired most about Dad was his cool , quiet , relaxed nature which overlay a strong core of honor and integrity . Dad was not " cool " in the hip sense of the word that Grover and his friends used . In fact , Dad seldom used the word " cool " in that sense . He was cool in the sense that when faced with a problem , he did not panic or become emotional . He examined the problem from several perspectives and made a rational but quick decision as to how best to resolve it . This gave Mom a sense of safety and security which she never knew with Grover , because Dad seldom gave in to his emotions , which was a constant danger with Grover . Mom felt Dad had a quiet strength that protected her , whereas Grover had a loud , bullying strength that he could turn against her almost as readily as he could turn it against anyone else . Mom saw this difference first when Grover saw them together for the first time about two weeks after they started dating . Mom and Dad were sitting side by side in cafeteria having lunch with some of Mom 's friends when Grover entered the room . Mom saw him before Dad and noticed that he seemed to be scanning the room looking for someone . Then he saw her . He stared at her intensely . Mom was afraid to say or do anything . Grover walked up to their table and stood in an empty spot across from Dad . He glowered at her and said , " I want to talk to you in private . " Dad rose slowly with his fists clenched at his sides . Mom could see his tall , muscular body tense and an intense anger start building in his eyes , which he focused on Grover . She also saw Grover 's eyes fix on Dad 's while he inconspicuously put his hand in his jeans pocket where he kept his switchblade . Then Mom noticed Dad 's eyes quickly scan the area . He saw Mr . Pinkman , the football coach , standing with his back to them several feet away to his left , and he saw Mr . Johnson , the principal , standing with his back to them several feet away to his right . He also saw that when Grover stepped up to the table , he stepped in front of a chair , which was now just behind his right knee . Fixing his eyes back on Grover 's , Dad unclenched his right fist and put his finger tips behind his tray . Then he flicked them , sending the tray spilling across Grover 's legs and startling him . Just as Grover looked down to see what happened , Dad leaned across the table and said , " Boo ! " By this time , Mr . Johnson was on one side of Grover and Mr . Pinkman on the other . Both were looking hard at him , expecting an argument . " Grover , shouldn 't you be in class ? Bill , would you make sure Grover gets to wherever he should be ? " " I 'll be here , " said Dad , smiling . " I 'll be happy to talk to you any time . Maybe we can discuss the history of social pariahs over a glass of milk some time . " Mr . Johnson pointed at Dad and frowned . " You 're new here . I hope I 'm not going to have any trouble with you . I know about what happened at your last school . " " No , sir . You won 't have any trouble out of me . I 'm into peace and flower power and having pleasant conversations with my friends over a glass of milk . " " It was nothing . I got into a little fracas with a guy like Grover over a girl like you . I was suspended for a few days . So what are we doing Saturday night ? " A few days later , Mom and Dad were standing in line holding hands at a local hamburger stand , when Grover joined the line three or four people behind them . Grover said nothing and neither did Mom or Dad . He just stared at them . " Grover 's making me nervous , " said Mom , " let 's go somewhere else . " " You son of a bitch ! " said Grover and he charged at Dad with a fist drawn back . Dad pushed Mom aside , blocked Grover 's haymaker , and hit him with a right cross , knocking him backwards onto the ground . As a couple of guys rushed over to Grover to find out if he was still breathing , Dad smiled at Mom and said , " Now we can go . " A week later Mom and Dad came out of a movie one night to find Dad 's car keyed and the tires slashed . Dad was enraged . He fidgeted back and forth with his hands in his pockets and kept muttering , " Son of a bitch ! Son of a bitch ! " Mom could only worry about what Dad would do next . She thought he might hunt down Grover and confront him about the car , but after some discussion , she talked him into just reporting the damage to the police . A cop showed up and took the police report , but nothing happened after that . It took the rest of the weekend for Dad to cool down . When they were at Navajo Lake for a picnic one Saturday near their graduation date , they were watching the moon rise over the hills to the east and Dad proposed . Mom confessed that she lost her virginity that night in the back seat of his Plymouth . They married about a month after graduation in a small service conducted by the preacher of Dad 's church , Pastor MacDonald . They set up house in a small one - bedroom apartment about a block from Main Street . They could both walk to work from there , though Dad went one way to his job and Mom had to go the opposite . The oil company office where Mom worked was not far from the auto shop where Grover still worked . She saw him now and then from across the street , and he always looked angry . She never spoke to him and if he started toward her , she walked away . They had a good life in those days . They would go for drives on the weekends and go to Dad 's church every Sunday . They seldom traveled far because they were saving their money for the children they wanted . To make up for the lack of travel , they found inexpensive things to do around town . Mom attended a knitting circle every Tuesday , while Dad went to a gun range to practice with a new . 38 special he had bought from a friend with a few extra dollars he had put aside . On Fridays , Dad and his friends would play Rummy at his friend Bill Crawford 's house while Mom caught up on her reading . One night a band Dad and Mom liked was playing at the Sky Liner Lounge at the airport . They went to the show and the place was packed . It stank of beer and tequila and the air was thick with cigarette smoke and sweat from dancing . They watched the band for a while , danced for a little bit , and then moved off the floor to rest near the stage and watch Bill play the drums . During one of the band 's breaks , Dad went to the bar to get a pack of cigarettes ( both smoked back then ) . As Dad was at the bar , Grover walked up to Mom . He was drunk and stank of whiskey and had a cigarette dangling from his lips . She told him to go away and that Dad would be back in a minute . Grover put his hand on Mom 's waist and said , " Hey , baby , you gonna give me what 's mine , huh ? " He slid his hand up her side and stopped it where he could rub his thumb against her breast . " Maybe I 'll just take it , " he said . " Yeah , I 'll just take it . " Then he moved his hand up and over her breast . Mom slapped him hard knocking the cigarette out of his mouth . The people around them stopped what they were doing and stared . Then Grover slapped her as hard as he could and knocked her to the ground . A couple of big guys from the crowd moved up to grab Grover , but before they could , Dad came running out of the crowd , hit Grover with a right cross , and Grover hit the floor . He pointed at Grover lying on the floor among the cigarette butts and spilled drinks and yelled , " Stay the hell away from my wife or I 'll kill you , you son of a bitch ! ' " For a long time after that Mom did not see Grover loitering in the background as he usually did . She did not find out why until one day when she went over to her parents to get a few jars of their home - made pear jam and a gallon of apple cider . As they sat catching up on gossip , Grandma commented that what had happened to the Duncan boy was a shame . Mom asked what she was talking about . " You haven 't heard ? That Duncan boy you used to date got mugged a few Fridays ago . I never thought a mugging would happen here . We have fights , but a mugging ? " " It wasn 't me . I was at Bill 's playing cards that night . I 'm sure Grover has a lot of enemies though . " Then Mom said she noticed that he had that same odd little smile he had after the altercation at the hamburger stand . " Yeah , it couldn 't have happened to a nicer guy , " he said . A few days before Christmas , Mom had to work late and started her walk home after dark . As she went out the office door , she glanced around for Grover , but didn 't see him . She thought of going back into the office to call Dad to escort her , but she decided she was being silly because she had not seen Grover since the summer . As she passed by an alley , Grover stepped out behind her and clapped one hand over her mouth while he held his switchblade against her throat . She could smell whiskey on his breath and sweat and cigarettes on his hand . He whispered " Quiet " into her ear and dragged her backwards into the alley into a doorway where there was an old mattress that stank of garbage . He forced her down onto it and with one hand still over her mouth , said , " You owe me and I 'm gonna take what 's mine . " He reached under her skirt and tore off her underwear , but as he started to unzip his fly , they heard someone open a door around the corner and take a few steps in their direction . Grover zipped up and said , " Tell anyone and I 'll do a lot worse to you . In fact , I 'll do anything I want to you whenever I want and you can 't do a thing about it . . . slut . " Then he ran off . Mom ran home crying all the way . Dad was there and she fell against him and told him what happened . He wanted to call the police , but she stopped him . She said that even if Grover was convicted , he wouldn 't serve very long for what he had done . It wasn 't like he had all out raped her . He would be out soon and he would come looking for her . He had held that grudge against her for over two years and he was determined to have his revenge . Dad punched the bedroom door and almost knocked it off its hinges . Mom spent the rest of the night crying while he spent it cursing Grover to hell . The next day Dad changed his schedule and started walking her to and from work every day . About three weeks after that on a Saturday night , three policemen came to their apartment asking to see Dad . One was a detective . Mom showed them into the living room and called Dad from the bedroom . " What this is about is that Duncan 's neighbors found him in his yard this morning with a . 44 caliber hole in his head . Please come to the station with us . I would like to ask you a few questions . " " Certainly . Am I under arrest ? " " Not at this time . " Then Dad turned to Mom and said , " Honey , bring the car down to the police station and pick me up . It shouldn 't take long to clear this up . " Dad and the cops walked out together and drove off in the police car with Dad in the back seat . Mom called her dad in a panic and told him what happened and asked him to find a lawyer . Then she drove to the police station . She waited for several hours before they gave him his pistol back and released him . As they drove off , Mom asked what happened . " They ran tests on it and said it wasn 't the gun . That it hadn 't been fired recently . I told them that I could have told them that . " Mom confessed that she had doubts though she never really thought he would . She told him the only reason she had thought he might have killed Grover was because she knew they were playing cards at Bill 's that night and his house was not far from Grover 's . She also told him that she had called Bill 's about half an hour before they normally broke up for the evening to ask him to stop somewhere and get some coffee and eggs for breakfast . Bill said he had just left . She asked where he went for that half hour . They went home and went to bed . They slept until well into Sunday afternoon . They stayed together the rest of that day , because they were so glad that the police hadn 't thrown Dad into prison . They didn 't even go to church on Sunday evening . They spent the whole weekend in bed cuddling . The following Sunday , Dad had a cold and decided not to go to church . Mom went alone . As she was leaving the service , Pastor MacDonald was standing at the doorway , shaking everyone 's hand as they left , when she walked up and thanked him for a wonderful service . He asked about Dad and then he thanked her for coming . Then he added , " Oh , by the way , thank John for fixing my gun . It works fine now . " " Last Tuesday . He did a good job . He must have test - fired it to make sure it was working . I could still smell the gunpowder in the barrel . " " We stayed in that apartment a few more years and then moved here , " said Mom . " I never did tell John what the pastor said until a few years ago . " Mom started to choke up and tears started to flow . " Don 't think ill of your dad , child . He was a good man , but sometimes good men have to do bad things . " " Once . " She took several deep breaths before speaking again . " We were at the cemetery for his dad 's funeral . We were talking to some of his cousins and he just quietly walked off . I didn 't notice for a minute or two . When I turned around to tell him that we needed to go to the reception , I saw him standing several rows away looking at a tombstone . I walked over and saw that it was Grover 's . I hadn 't attended Grover 's funeral and I had no idea where he was buried . I asked your dad if everything was alright . He just said ' Let 's go , ' and went back to the car . " " That night after we went to bed , he couldn 't sleep . He kept twisting and turning . When he did fall asleep , he had a nightmare and woke up . He had had frequent nightmares over the years and I had thought they were due to the stress of being a prosecutor . Then he rose and went out of the bedroom . I thought he was going to watch TV like he usually did when he couldn 't sleep , but then I heard the front door open and shut . I looked out the window and saw him walking through the front yard . I drew on my housecoat and went after him . I found him sitting in a lawn chair under the cottonwood , smoking his pipe with a bottle of bourbon and a shot glass on the ground beside him , looking at the stars . I pulled up another chair and sat next to him . I asked what was up . He didn 't answer and I asked him again . When he still didn 't answer , I asked if he was thinking about his dad . He took a long time in answering . " " ' I 've done bad things . ' " " I told him that I knew and then I told him what the pastor had told me . He didn 't look at me . He just kept looking at the stars and smoking his pipe . Then he nodded his head . " " ' I 'm glad you know , ' he said . ' I have worried about you finding out and leaving me ever since then . I told my dad once and he said he was glad I had been smart enough not to get caught and that sometimes a good man has to do bad things . He said Grandpa had killed a man in a knife fight over a card game , but the judge had ruled it self - defense . It preyed on Grandpa 's conscience for the rest of his life though . I . . . I 'm afraid I 'm not as good a man as Grandpa . ' He took a long draw on his pipe and exhaled the smoke slowly through his nose . Then he rose , kissed me on the forehead , and whispered in my ear , ' It took a lot for me to summon up the courage to kill Grover , but when I did , I enjoyed it , and I would do it again just because I enjoyed it . For the rest of my life , whenever I won a case that sent someone to the chair , I relished the fear in Grover 's eyes when I stepped from the shadows and placed the muzzle on the tip of his nose , because I was keeping one more evil son of a bitch from walking the streets . Do you still think I 'm a good man ? ' " " I said nothing . I just stared into those blue eyes that had bewitched me for over fifty years . They no longer reminded me of a warm , summer sky . Instead , they reminded me of an icy sea , hiding God - knows - what in its depths . He walked back into the house and went to bed . He slept soundly that night , but I could not sleep and stayed in the yard all night praying about whether to leave him . In the end , I decided that if I left him , I would have wasted fifty years . Besides , he had always been good to me . " I held Mom 's hand for a few minutes and we were silent , not knowing what to say . Then she said , " There 's something else you should know . After your dad passed , I was going through some scrapbooks we had inherited from his mom . I was reminiscing about old times when I noticed a piece of paper sticking out from where it had been hidden in the back cover . It 's still there in your grandma 's scrapbook in the black trunk in the attic . You should read it . " I said I would . After she fell asleep , I went downstairs , and poured myself a couple of shots of bourbon . I sat there for a long time wondering who this man was that I had known all my life and who had instilled in me the values and admiration that inspired me to follow him into the law field and eventually become a federal judge . Then I went upstairs , found the scrapbook , and read the document there in the silence and dust and musty air and dim light of the attic . I felt like a grave robber . It was a copy of a summary from a juvenile court record . It read : " John King , 17 , of Santa Fe , was sentenced today , July 15 , 1964 , by the juvenile court for third degree felony aggravated battery to five years probation , a $ 5 , 000 fine , and restitution to Edward Welty for an incident that occurred following baseball practice for the Santa Fe High Demons on April 17 , 1964 . " According to witnesses , Mr . Welty made an offensive remark about Miss Evelyn Brooks , who had been dating Mr . King for three months , and then assaulted her by fondling her posterior , to which she objected . Mr . King became enraged and threatened Mr . Welty with a baseball bat before teammates separated them . Later that night , as Mr . Welty was walking home from a friend 's house , Mr . King jumped from behind bushes along the sidewalk and struck Mr . Welty repeatedly with a baseball bat . Mr . Chester Berry and Mr . Harold Given , who were relaxing with their spouses on their porches nearby , witnessed the incident and intervened , chasing off Mr . King . Mr . Welty was hospitalized overnight following the attack . " Mr . King has a prior history of sudden , violent temperament leading to physical conflict with other classmates , though this is the first time he has appeared in court . " Mr . King was 16 at the time of the incident as was Mr . Welty . " Doug HawleyMarch 8 , 2016 at 3 : 23 PMLots of detail examining an old question of how do you judge a person 's life . It left me wondering . ReplyDeleteNancy LaneMarch 8 , 2016 at 5 : 00 PMGreat job capturing the social climate of the sixties . Good choice for how to present the story - deathbed " confession " by the mother . I enjoyed it . ReplyDeleteCeinwen HaydonMarch 8 , 2016 at 10 : 01 PMLife is never what it seems . A challenging story , well done , Ceinwen ReplyDeleteTom HarringtonMarch 10 , 2016 at 2 : 45 PMInteresting treatment of what happens when our parents fall from grace . The mechanism of using the Pastor 's gun as a stand - in was great . Could be revised to make it more brief and remove some gerunds and adverbs for more quickening of the pace . good story , thanks . ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : There is that moment where you don 't care . You don 't care what everyone will know because you just have to hold on . You have to hold on or go insane because the thought of losing him after just starting to get back to where you were is going to kill you . Spencer was sitting at his desk reading over the files that Aaron had given him for the new database that he wanted him to work up . The funding for it had come down for Spencer to be allowed to work on it as much as possible . It was good because Aaron had come down a lot harder on the team when they slipped him files and he was finding himself short on things to do . He wondered if this was why Aaron had started to crack down on them . It was a wonderful project and while on the surface it looked like something that Garcia could handle , it really wasn 't . There was too much profiling and psychology needed to make it work . Other BAU teams had members working on it and even Garrett of the IRT was inputting their own data into it . The goal was to help smaller communities with crimes that were out of the norm for them . It was being talked about through the building that someone had collapsed in a meeting and the medics had been called . His phone vibrated and he looked at it . It was from Garcia . There was a second message but Spencer didn 't even look at it . He grabbed his bag and didn 't even make sure his computer shut down all the way after he had clicked shut down . He was gone before anyone else could even try and find him . He hadn 't brought his car but he had a set of keys for Aaron 's car . He didn 't even stop to think about what it would look like on camera . Aaron looked around him as his vision came back to him . There was a red balloon hovering in front of him . He tried to follow it with just his gaze but as it rounded a tree , he saw someone sitting down on a blanket . It was Georgetown Waterfront Park . There was no one around besides the person so he went forward . As he did the sun got brighter and brighter until it was almost like midday . The drive to the closest non military hospital took longer than Spencer would have liked , but he was nervous . He was so damned nervous . Aaron had been fine that morning . Two pouting Hotchner males had talked him into staying the night and while nothing happened between him and Aaron , just sleeping in bed with him had been wonderful . A breakfast that the three of them had cooked was devoured before Jack had been dropped off at school and then the two adults had drove into work together . Aaron had eaten a great deal of the sausage and had made a comment that it had given him indigestion . Spencer wondered if that was what was wrong . Had it not been indigestion ? He tried to think about anything else , except what else it could be ? His vast knowledge of what was in the chest and abdominal cavity that could be wrong wasn 't a good thing in this case . Pulling into the parking garage , Spencer left his bag in the front seat but grabbed both his wallet and his credentials . He made sure to secure his gun in the case in the trunk before he started up . He looked at the message on his phone and all it said was the name of the hospital and the floor to go to . Spencer had already been heading towards the surgery department . He had a feeling that he knew exactly what it was . " He 's getting prepped for surgery and someone will be out to explain everything as soon as possible . I have a room over here . " The nurse stood and moved to it . There were a ring of chairs around three walls and a long couch on the fourth . " This is for officers to wait while they are waiting for news . I 'll make a notation that Agent Hotchner 's family is in here . His record states that a Jessica Brooks is to be notified as well . " " Oh . I assume the rest of our team will be arriving soon . " Spencer pulled his phone from his pocket again and found Jessica 's number . If she was working , she wouldn 't have answered an unknown number and might not have checked her messages yet . So Spencer dialed her direct desk number . " Given … " Spencer stopped and saw a man heading his way . " Hold on , please . " Spencer pulled the phone from his ear and waited . The man was in scrubs looking ready to head into surgery . " Doctor Reid , I 'm going to be Agent Hotchner 's surgeon . I wanted to let you know that this could have been a lot worse . He only has a few torn adhesions . " " Go . I 'll be fine . I had already figured out that was probably it given Hotch 's overall health and fitness . " Spencer waved the man out and he turned to leave . When the doors were shut , Spencer turned back to the phone . " It 's what I thought . The adhesions . The doctor said it could have been worse so I would say that only a few tore instead of all . They are probably still going to do an exploratory laparotomy to make sure that they get them all but given that he 's not had a temperature or a sore abdomen , I 'd say that he 'll be fine . " " I 'll get him and be there as soon as possible . " Jessica sounded worried and she had every right to be . Losing Aaron so close to losing Haley would hurt Jack . Jessica would have it rough . He 'd help as much as possible . Spencer hung up and started to pace the room . He hated his logical mind . He really hated it because at the moment he was going through everything that he 'd have to do if Aaron died and that was a sobering thought . Jessica wouldn 't fight him on seeing Jack . He knew that . He knew that she 's not keep him from him because she loved her nephew and would never want to do anything that would hurt him . Still thinking about what he was going to do if his partner died on the operating table or due to any number of postoperative complications , was sobering . Spencer dropped into the chair behind him thankful that there had actually been one there when he realized he hadn 't looked . There was no other word for what Aaron was because while he wasn 't sure exactly how he 'd survive it but he knew that he had to . The only reason that he would survive it was Jack . " You look so beautiful . " Aaron stumbled over the words . He hadn 't dreamed of Haley since he 'd taken up with Spencer and the guilt of that still ate at him slightly . He knew , though that this wasn 't real and it wasn 't a dream but he couldn 't remember what he was doing . He couldn 't remember anything . " You are not so bad yourself . Especially when Spencer is with you . You look ten years younger . Now come , sit . We have to talk . " Haley smiled at him as she patted the spot beside her . He looked at what she was wearing . She was in a pair of jeans that looked like she 'd had them in high school , all worn and faded , as well as a slightly dressy blouse on . The kind that said she wanted to look good but not that she wanted to be fancy . He looked at himself and found that he wasn 't dressed like he did back when he 'd been married to her . He was dressed like he found he liked . Jeans and a dress shirt . He knew that Spencer liked him like this , and he had started to dress more that way and found that after work , he liked dressing down but not totally down . " He 's gotten so big , " Haley choked out as her eyes focused on something in the distance . Aaron turned to look where she was looking and he saw them for the first time . It was Spencer , Jack , and Henry . Spencer was in the water with Jack splashing at him while Henry was on his shoulders . It wasn 't a memory as they had never done anything like that with just the three of them . " He 's really good with him . " " But he 's not you . " Aaron wanted to say that no one could ever replace her in his life but he couldn 't say it . " And I 'm not enough . " " It 's hard . Spencer makes me a better dad . He makes me talk to Jack . To tell him that I love him . He made me see that he needs to hear those words . " The scene in front of him shifted and he saw Henry and Jack playing with a soccer ball with JJ , Will , Spencer , and himself standing on the sidelines . He remembered that day so well . They 'd ended up playing a game . Spencer , JJ , and Jack versus Aaron , Will , and Henry . Half way through Henry switched sides and Aaron and Will had lost . Spencer looked up and saw Garcia and Rossi behind him . It was the flash of black hair that told him that Prentiss was even behind them . JJ came last . She looked like she wanted to run to him but he shook his head no . He didn 't think that he could take it . He didn 't think that he could take her hugging him . So he opened his mouth and he talked . He didn 't even pay attention as his brain told his mouth what to say . None of the team stopped him . He rambled for so long that his mouth was dry and the words were just gone . They were all scared and a Reid Ramble was normal , even if it wasn 't cut off . He didn 't know how long he lasted or the exact minute that he 'd started so when he saw the door open , he hoped that it was someone to update them but when no one was in his line of vision and he looked down , his heart was in his throat . " Papa ! " Jack yelled as he ran into the room . Spencer looked up at him and saw Morgan try and grab him . Jack dodged his hands though and he could see the look of shock on Morgan 's face as Jack ran right to him . Spencer pulled him up into his lap and wrapped his arms around him . He buried his face in Jack 's neck as the little boy did the same to him . He could hear Jessica 's heels on the floor and didn 't even startle when she sat down beside him . " Bleeding internally from the scar tissue from Foyet 's attack on him . Torn adhesions from the stab wounds . They did an ultrasound and can 't exactly figure out where the bleeding is coming from so they just wheeled him into OR2 for an exploratory laparotomy , " Spencer said . Spencer inhaled and exhaled before he tilted his legs up a little so that Jack wouldn 't tip backwards . He raised up Jack 's shirt and showed him the incision line that was going to be made . Jack 's finger followed it . " You remember the … " " Reid ! " Morgan , Garcia , and Prentiss nearly screamed . Jack startled and looked at them . They all looked scandalized . Spencer was confused . Did they expect him to lie to Jack ? He looked at Jessica and then JJ and saw that they were upset but not at him . JJ was glaring at Morgan . Spencer glared at them then looked back at Jack . " You remember the bad man who hurt your dad ? Those wounds on his inside were really bad and sometimes when they heal , they don 't heal right . And those wounds kind of reopened . Like that time you picked that scab and the blood came out again ? " Aaron and Spencer had agreed to never lie to him and he wasn 't going to break that while Aaron was lying open on an operating room table . " J - Jack , " Garcia stuttered . They all looked gutted at the question and Spencer knew that the only thing keeping him sane was the fact that he wasn 't going to break down in front of Jack . He couldn 't do that and he wouldn 't . " What will happen is that you are going to be sad , " Jessica said . She brushed Jack 's hair back from his head and kissed his forehead . " But we 'll do whatever you want . " " Jessica ? " Spencer asked . Jack leaned forward into Spencer 's chest . Like he was relieved . Spencer wrapped his arms around him and tried not to start shaking . " He had his Will changed three months ago , " Jessica pointed out . Spencer knew that he just hadn 't known what the changes were . He hadn 't asked as it wasn 't his to know if Aaron didn 't want him to know . Why hadn 't Aaron told him ? He should have known that . Why the hell would Aaron leave that as a surprise ? Because neither of them had seen him getting hurt like he was . He hadn 't expected to drop down in a meeting with his bosses and need surgery . " Yes . Shared custody . It 'd be the same arrangement that Aaron and I have right now . With some added babysitting by JJ and Will . He was going to tell you , but he kept putting it off and then that last date , he felt that maybe it was time , then this happened and I didn 't want you shocked . He talked to me about it before he did it . I didn 't fight him because no one can contest that you love him and he loves you . " " But … " Spencer snapped his mouth shut . He wasn 't going to cry . He wiped at his eyes to catch the moisture there . It wasn 't that his partner was laid out on a table , his stomach cracked open , it was the fact that Aaron wanted him to have Jack . That Aaron wanted him to raise Jack if he was gone that was going to do him in . " Jack , I need to talk to Uncle Derek for a few minutes . What do you want to do ? Do you want me to go in the hall or do you want to go with JJ and get some juice ? " " Jayje ? " Spencer asked as he looked at her . He 'd ask Jessica but he felt that maybe she was needed as she seemed to know more about what Aaron 's wishes were when it came to Jack . Spencer knew everything about what his last wishes and when he wanted to stay on machines and such . It was morbid but it had been something they had discussed before they had even got together , the aftermath of Foyet and his attack was when Aaron had realized that Haley still had the right to make the choices and he asked Spencer to do it instead . " You don 't even have to ask . What do you say we get some coffee for Papa ? " JJ asked Jack as she picked him up from Spencer 's lap . As soon as the doors were shut , Rossi sat down beside him . " AaronandIaredating . " Spencer said it in a rush because there was no other way he 'd get the words out of his mouth . He took a deep breath and waited . " We started dating before the incident that happened between JJ and I . The fallout of our personal relationship because of that is just that personal . We had a rough patch for a while but have been building up to get back where we were . " " I am not going to get into it with you right now , Morgan . " Spencer hadn 't realized that he had stood up until he was looking Morgan in the eye with the distance between them . " Not while the man I love is fucking laid out on a OR table with his guts open . You don 't have a place in my relationship with anyone that I choose to love or fuck . The issues that he and I had we worked through , together . If you can 't accept that we are in a relationship then I will have your thrown out of this place . I hold his medical power of attorney and I 'll make sure that you don 't set foot inside here while he 's here . " Morgan just looked at him in shock . Garcia was shocked as well and Prentiss looked proud . The male agent though couldn 't just stand there . He huffed and took off out of the room . Garcia tried to follow but Rossi pushed her down into a chair . " He called you Papa several times . From what Aaron told me , he 's been calling you that to his friends at school . Jack asked him if it was all right and Aaron told him that it was up to him if he wanted to call you Papa , but that he had to mean it and he couldn 't stop calling you it if he was mad at you because that would hurt you . " " I know that I love him and I know that he loves me but I never … I just assumed that I 'd be Spencer forever and I was okay with that . " Spencer inhaled and closed his eyes , trying to center himself . " He needs something to brand me as his while he 's scared about Aaron . " His brain was jumping on the logic and the psychology of it all . " No , it 's not . We had our issues and we have both gone through therapy . He 's not hurting me , Morgan . I wouldn 't stay with him and he didn 't know until the case was dropped into the BAU 's lap that I had been raped . I believe that he never would have left me alone like that if he had known . " " Okay . " Morgan took the seat that JJ had been sitting in and pulled Spencer into a side hug . Spencer allowed it until the doors opened . But instead of JJ and Jack entering it was Henry and Will . Henry ran right to Spencer and he pulled his Godson into his arms for a hug . " Any news ? " Will asked as he took the seat on the other side of Jessica . The doors opened and Henry moved a little in Spencer 's arms so that he was sitting on his left leg while Jack took a seat on his other leg . The boy had a cup of coffee clutched in his hands like it was precious . Spencer took it from his before he got fully settled and kissed his forehead . " He 's in the OR , " Spencer said . He took a sip of his coffee and smiled . He wondered how that fight had gone . " I see that Jack won on how my coffee is prepared . " " He was rather adamant that this is how you drank it . I figured that if it was wrong , I 'd send Will down for another one . " JJ smiled but it didn 't reach her eyes . " This is how I drink it at home on the weekends . Less sugar and a little more cream . Usually eaten with pancakes that Jack has talked me into making . Aaron has taught him how to make it so that he can be doing that while we cook . " Spencer leaned back and the boys followed him . He could hang on with them right there . He 'd been close to a freak out but he couldn 't freak out with Jack there . He couldn 't make the boy more upset . Talking picked up around him but all he could focus on was Jack 's breathing . He could smell the shampoo that Jack insisted that he use even though it didn 't come like other kids ' shampoos . It was an adult shampoo in a plain bottle not in the whimsical bottles that kids had . It was a shampoo that Spencer had grabbed on accident as someone had not stocked the shelves right at the place he got all of his bath supplies . Jack had smelled it and even used it once and had fallen in love . He focused on that right up until the doors opened and a woman stepped in . While she had no gloves on , there was blood on her gown . " Agent Hotchner is doing good . The source of the bleeding was found but there is a lot of damage inside and the doctors are doing repairs right now . " She paused . " No , thank you , Doctor . Just keep me updated . " In some instances the less he knew the better . If that was all that he knew , he wouldn 't spiral out in an information binge . The doctor nodded and left the room at a rush . " The body is strange and when your father was hurt , they took care of him to keep him alive but scar tissue doesn 't always heal the way that it should . There was another man who got hurt just like him and he never had this happen to him . He lived for over ten years after and never had a single problem like that . " " He died in an accident . " That was one lie that Spencer wouldn 't feel sorry for telling . He looked up into the faces of all of the other and saw the pain in them as they thought about Foyet and the total price of the man 's obsession to ruin Aaron . George Foyet was still haunting Aaron from the grave with what was happening that day . " I don 't know . I wouldn 't be able to stay on the team and do that kind of degree as it takes a lot of classes that can 't be fit around my schedule . Why do you want me to ? " " Then daddy wouldn 't get sick like this anymore . " Jack said before he turned in Spencer 's lap and buried his head in his chest . Henry scooted down and went to his father . " Jack , there was nothing that could have been done . Even me being any kind of medical doctor wouldn 't have caught this . It was all inside him . Like when Johnny in the class above you at school got appendicitis . No one knew until it happened . I couldn 't have stopped this . Your dad could have seen the doctor every day and this would have been missed . But if it will make you feel better , I 'll look into anything and everything that could affect your dad , and you , and learn it . " Spencer pressed a kiss to Jack 's hand and held him tight . Spencer had been almost certain that he would say The Secret Garden . Jack had found The Little Princess in his books and had read it not long after he and Aaron had started dating the first time . Spencer had gone out and bought him several other kids books . Most had ended up in Aaron 's office . Jack only liked Spencer to read to him without a book when he didn 't feel well . So he settled in , Jack cuddled into him and started to recite the story . It wasn 't long before Will moved across the room and settled in so Henry could hear . The scene in front of Aaron changed again . Instead of the park , it was the inside of his apartment . He knew exactly what the moment was . It was the night that he had got home after finding out about what exactly had happened that night that he 'd thought that Spencer had cheated on him . A version of himself was slumped on the couch , a glass of scotch on the table in front of him but he hadn 't taken a drink . " He 's so strong and sensitive and he 's perfect for you Aaron . He 's a perfect father for Jack . Between the two of you , he 's going to become a wonderful man . " " Not as much as you think . He 's listened to you tell Jack all those stories about me . He remembers every word and he remembers all the times that he saw me with Jack . With Spencer , he 's never going to forget a word of it and he 's going to make sure that Jack doesn 't . He may not like me as a person but he would never tarnish my name in Jack 's hearing . He is perfect for you Aaron and he 's perfect for Jack . " It was late evening before the doors opened and it wasn 't one of the team . Spencer didn 't realize until all the talking around him stopped . He looked up to see Doctor Bailey standing there . " He 's back in his room and the surgery went just fine . His recovery won 't be as bad as after the initial stabbing but he will need some help . I can take you and his son back . You can sit with him until he wakes up . " " You ready Jack ? " Spencer asked . Jack nodded and slid out of Spencer 's lap . He waited for Spencer to stand before taking his hand . Jack was somber as they entered the room minutes later . " Of course . " Spencer picked Jack up , settling him into his side so that his legs wouldn 't hit Aaron and then leaned over . Jack pressed a kiss into the side of Aaron 's forehead . " I read about this in the wake of Aaron 's first surgery . I was injured myself from a different case . He 'll do what I say . " Spencer looked back at Aaron . He hadn 't been around for the aftermath . Doctor Bailey nodded and left . Spencer pulled a chair close to the side of the bed with no machines and sat . Jack immediately grabbed Spencer 's hand and laid it on Aaron 's and then smuggled back into Spencer 's body . Spencer listened to the beep of the machine telling him that Aaron was alive and well . " It 's time for me to go , " Haley said as she stood up . Aaron followed her up by rote . She bundled up the blanket and started to walk away from him . " I just want a little more time . " Aaron hadn 't got to tell her a lot of things that he thought about on a nearly daily basis when it came to Jack . Like how he was happy that she was the mother of his child . How he didn 't regret a single moment of time that he spent married to her and he never had . " I know that you are used to being the big boss man but you can 't get what you want all the time . " Haley turned around to look at him . It was dark all around them now . " The more time you spend here with me , the less you have with him and he 's worth it , Aaron . He understands you on a level that I was never able to . He found it in his heart to forgive something that most people in the world would never be able to . You need to wake up . " Aaron watched as she faded away from his sight as she took a few more steps . Then he saw that by the tree that he and Spencer had spent hours at on their last date was Spencer and Jack . Spencer was holding what looked like a jar and Jack was catching fireflies and putting them into it . He took a step towards them but instead of walking , he fell . Opening his eyes , Aaron was shocked to find that he wasn 't at home . He was in a hospital bed . He tried to move but the pain in his stomach stopped him . There was also a weight on his legs . His eyes focused on the low light and he saw that Jack was asleep at the foot of the bed , curled into a ball around Aaron 's feet with an arm thrown over his lower legs . He reached out for the device that would allow him to sit up . He was halfway up when a grunt told him that someone else was in there . He turned his head to see that Spencer was asleep with his head on the bed and the movement had disturbed him . The younger man was sitting up and rubbing at his eyes . His eyes went right to Jack before he frowned . Aaron figured that he wasn 't sure what had woke him up . Spencer 's eyes swept up his body and he gasped when he saw that Aaron 's eyes were on him . " Since I got the message that you 'd collapsed . I dropped everything and drove your car here because I didn 't want to wait for a train . " Spencer leaned up and helped him shift into a sitting position and bringing the bed up to him . " The rest of the team is in the waiting room . Jessica is in there . I couldn 't not have Jack here . " Spencer looked at his watch and the look on his face told Aaron that he wasn 't sure . He 'd literally dropped everything and had run in and had no clue when he 'd arrived at the hospital . Aaron reached out and touched the side of Spencer 's face . Spencer smiled at him and nuzzled into the hand . " DADDY ! " Jack yelled . He acted like he was going to scramble up to Aaron 's chest but Spencer 's hand grabbing him about the waist and lifting him up and off had the boy settling down . Spencer set the boy down when Aaron motioned him to and he crawled into Aaron 's arms and hugged him . Jack laid his head down on Aaron 's shoulder for a few minutes . " We are going to stay with Papa while you get better . " " Everyone knows . Everyone was in the room when Jack came running in calling me Papa . They know as much as I care for them to know . Rossi handled Morgan and Prentiss is shocked . I think Garcia has hit the stage of acceptance where she is imagining us in bed together . JJ has been great in keeping Jack entertained and Henry and Will were here . Jessica went home for the night . I don 't know who of the team is left here . " " Uncle Derek said he was staying all night . I think he made Aunt Penny and Aunt JJ leave . Uncle Dave said that only Dad throwing him out would get him to leave , " Jack supplied helpfully . He tucked himself in Aaron 's side more . " For the first few nights , Jack , your father will have to sleep in bed alone , just to be safe . His internal stitches need a little time to heal before anything happens and that means that I can 't sleep in bed with him . I could roll over and hit his wounds , he could roll and hit me . Once the doctor allows it I 'll sleep in the same bed as your father but maybe you could camp with me in the living room for those first few days . " " Who said I am staying with you ? " Aaron asked and he visibly moved back when two sets of hard eyes turned to him . Jack had his glare down pat and Spencer had never looked so mean while doing it . " Well it 's me or Jessica . You have quite a few things you can 't do . It 's actually worse than before because your hospital stay won 't be as long so the list of things you can 't do is a lot bigger . " " None actually . I researched this all while laid up with my leg injury over two years ago . Believe me , I looked up every single thing that could have happened and this was one of the big ones . There was no way to predict it though . " " Papa held me and read to me and told me everything that they did to you while you were on the table and sleeping . " Jack shifted and he pulled a little on one of Aaron 's stitches . Aaron hissed but just as soon as he started , Jack looked up at Spencer and held his hands out . Spencer lifted him up with no further pain on Aaron and settled him in his lap . " You seem to be doing well . " Bailey stepped forward and grabbed his chart . The man made a few notations before stepping up to Aaron and going through the normal checking of his blood pressure and heart rhythm . Aaron watched his eyes move over to towards Jack and Spencer before he looked back at Aaron . " I need to check your incision . " " I told him everything . He knows what happened inside of you . " Spencer shifted his hold on Jack and moved to where he could see better . Aaron wasn 't shocked that Spencer wanted to see . As Bailey checked over his stitches , Aaron watched Jack 's face . The boy looked intrigued by what was going on with his stomach . He could see anatomy books in his son 's future . With Spencer right there teaching him everything . That 's what he saw in his future . " Jack , I have some pictures of the inside of your dad 's stomach . We took a lot so that we could use it as a teaching method for other Surgical Residents . Do you want to see a few of them ? " Bailey asked . The man looked from Spencer to Aaron . Aaron though didn 't respond , he looked at Spencer . Spencer looked from Jack to Aaron to Bailey and back again to Aaron several times before he nodded . Aaron smiled at Bailey . Jack cheered and jumped down from Spencer 's lap . Bailey smiled and took him out of the room . " He needs to see . He wasn 't here the last time to see his dad get better . He has a chance to see now . He wanted me to become a doctor so that I could stop this from ever happening again . I want him to see why no one could see this coming and maybe we can stave off him being overprotective of his father . The only reason that he wants to stay with me is that he knows that I won 't back down . If he and Aaron go home , Aaron will do something stupid . Jessica will cave . If seeing the inside of Aaron 's stomach will mean that he won 't try and convince his teachers to let him call home between classes and that he won 't check on Aaron several times a night , I 'm all in for that . He can handle it . " Morgan looked like he wanted to say something but he didn 't . He closed his mouth . Aaron was about to say something but Spencer stood up from the chair he was in . He pushed Aaron down onto the bed and grabbed the remote that would tilt the bed back . Aaron laid back with a smile on his face . He knew he wasn 't going to get away with a single thing with Spencer and Jack on his case . Spencer didn 't answer , instead he just pulled the blanket up farther on Aaron 's body . He wrapped his hand around Aaron 's before turning to look at Morgan . " I told Aaron that if he roomed me with you , I 'd kill you . It 's also why he didn 't pair us when out the field for a month . " " I still hold that if it 's my honor at stake that Aaron can take him . " Spencer smiled at Dave and Morgan . " You guys head home . Call JJ and Prentiss , Rossi ? Morgan I 'm sure you have Garcia well in hand . Jessica wanted me to text . " " Call me , Reid when he 's up for Jack coming for a visit in the morning . Strauss has given us a few days downtime . I 'll see about getting you some extra time off . I 'm sure that all I have to say that is Reid can keep him in hand and it 'll all be good . " Aaron didn 't pay much attention after Dave and Morgan left . His eyes were only for Spencer . He cupped the side of Spencer 's face and tugged until the younger man leaned down . Spencer braced one arm at Aaron 's shoulder so that he wouldn 't put any pressure on him , giving into the kiss that Aaron wanted . He used the kiss to gauge how Spencer was doing . He was gentle and sweet even when Aaron tried to turn it into more . That meant that Spencer wasn 't doing good . " Shush , don 't interrupt when Dad and Papa are kissing , " Jack said in what he thought was his whispering voice but really wasn 't . Aaron groaned because he knew at least Dave was standing there . When he looked over Spencer 's shoulder he saw that it wasn 't just Dave and Jack . It was Morgan as well who looked … strangely happy . His eyes weren 't on Aaron though , they were all on Spencer . " Love you too ! " Jack yawned after he spoke . Smiling as he dropped from Spencer 's lap . Morgan picked him up and waved before he left . Dave shut the door to the room after he closed the curtain so that they had a little privacy . " I have to find out in a room with the team from Jessica that you want me to have Jack if you die . I have to find out when you are on a table being cut open , instead of from you when you signed the papers . He 's not a consolation prize . ' Hey the love of your life is dead , but here 's his son ! ' " Spencer leaned over , laying his head on Aaron 's shoulder and Aaron pulled at him until he was laying down in a more comfortable position . " Jack called me Papa and I didn 't realize it until he 'd left the room and Morgan was being an asshole . I threatened to throw him out of the hospital . And Jack wants me to become a surgeon so that you don 't get hurt like this ever again . And you 're hurt and I can 't do anything about it and I didn 't notice it . " Aaron wasn 't shocked when Spencer went lax against him , his whole body shaking as he started to sob . Aaron just held him and dealt with the pain from the shaking of his own body . His gown was getting soaked from the tears but he didn 't care . He just held his love close to him and shushed nonsense at him . Spencer had been strong while Jack was there but now that it was just him and Aaron , he was giving in . He was letting his emotions control him and trusting Aaron to catch him . " I 'm here , Spencer . I 'm here and I am alive and I promise , I 'll never leave you willingly . I 'll fight my hardest to get back to you and Jack every single time . You don 't have to worry about that . " " I don 't want to do it alone . I don 't want to do anything without you . " Spencer lifted up and looked Aaron in the eye . " Will you marry me ? " Aaron stopped breathing and he heard a beeping from the monitor beside him . Not giving a shit about his stomach , he pulled Spencer in for a kiss . He kissed him until Spencer fought out of the hold . 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Posted on December 6 , 2012 by ranamuhtaha Reply From all of the places Lana had been to , the one she really died to visit again and never had the chance to was New York . Her first time there was when she was seven , her memories weren 't the strongest , but she could almost see herself the day that plane landed , after almost twenty hours of traveling , running quickly out of the airport and begging to go sight - seeing right at that moment . Neither her parents ' exhaustion nor their repetitive refusals managed to make her stop nagging . And , she finally got what she had wanted . She could remember herself spinning around in the streets , admired by passer - bys for her flexible body and her spontaneity in dancing . Now she was back , better yet , she was back to dance ; nothing could top that . As for Mark , she soon started to forget him being around her . To her relief , he didn 't utter a word about his love to her . Maybe he doesn 't love me anymore . At first , the thought gave her comfort , then she began to feel that she had lost something she had owned before ; she didn 't like that thought . So she came to believe that he still loved her . In fact , he loved her so much that he decided not to show those feelings to her lest she felt uncomfortable . That made her feel better . IT WAS THE GLASS . Lana finally made it out . The entire theater looked alluring ; the thick brick - red drapes , the two - level stage and the ropes coming out of everywhere . But she had seen it all before , except for the glass . She had never seen so much glass making up a theater The upper stage was made of glass , surrounded by glass and even the stairs she had to climb to get to that upper stage were made of glass . Even the table that she was going to use in the dance was made of glass . With the lights and the special effects , the stage looked like a huge diamond ; dancing on this stage would be like being the sparkle of a rock on a solitaire . Impatiently and joyously , Lana immediately jumped on stage and started spinning around . Mark followed , slower and steadier but not less eagerly . He looked at her ; as she spun , her hair flew around in the air , and when she stopped , it landed in her mouth . She looked at him and laughed so childishly as she pushed her hair behind her ears , almost blushing with shame for her immature behavior . He met her with a very loving look . Her smile was gone , and she became indifferent again . He obeyed . Then he got some papers out of his backpack . It was the lyrics of the song . He had memorized it back in the day , but it had been a while since he last practiced . He started reciting the words , realizing that Lana was doing her part of the rehearsal ; dancing . He couldn 't bring himself to look at her again , not after the thoughts she had already triggered in his head . He heard her pulling the glass table through the stage , but he didn 't look . He heard her footsteps hurriedly making their way to the glass stairs ; still he didn 't look . He was almost certain she was holding her right foot as her leg was stranded in the air while she stretched her other arm ; all of that and he still managed to NOT look . He just kept reciting the song . He got really nervous when he realized that he had forgotten it . He got even more nervous when he couldn 't concentrate on the song because he was too busy trying to make out the meaning of every sound Lana made . Focus Mark . He said to himself almost audibly . And just when he was beginning to focus , Lana made a sound he wished he couldn 't have made out . IT WAS THE GLASS . All that Mark could see ; it was the glass … and Lana , lying in the middle of it all . Shrapnel - like pieces of glass were all over her body , some protruding from her arms , some scattered around her slightly bent legs , slashing them into open flesh . One was the size of a fist ; it was planted in her abdomen . The other , which looked more like a knife than glass , was embedded in her chest . The only thing that was more than the glass was the blood . As Mark rushed towards her , he was able to picture all that had happened a few seconds ago . She was dancing passionately on the upper stage , probably leaping when she lost control over her body and flew down landing on the glass table . If only he had kept an eye on her , if only he had dropped that stupid paper and looked up , he could 've been able to warn her , stop her , catch her , save her . But he didn 't , and she wasn 't spared . " Lana ! Oh my God , Lana ! " He said as he knelt down beside her and reached out for her . He tried holding her in his arms , yet he got scared of moving some glass that might tear something up inside . " Lana , answer me . Are you ok ? " She didn 't speak . All he heard was her very heavy breathing penetrated by some fits of whimpering . Her eyes were wide open ; he took that as a good sign . " Help . " He screamed as loud as he could . " Please , someone call an ambulance . My friend is … " he couldn 't finish the sentence ; he began choking on his tears . He didn 't remember crying like that since the day his father died . People started showing up . Curious as they were , they kept a distance . Nobody asked what had happened , they could all see for themselves . Someone spoke to Mark in Arabic , told him that the ambulance was on its way . It was Amgad , the university employee who had come with them to New York to arrange for their trip ; help them prepare for their performance and keep an eye on them . In short , he was responsible for them . He was a short , young man with a small figure and a low voice . Mark , who wasn 't seeing anything but Lana 's cuts and wounds , couldn 't recognize him . Two paramedics arrived . They carefully carried Lana , laid her on the stretcher and rushed towards the ambulance . They exchanged some words that Mark could hear but not decipher . It was like they were speaking a language foreign to him , not the same English he could speak fluently ever since he was twelve . When they reached the ambulance , he was going to jump right in . Then he stopped realizing she probably didn 't want him there . " You 'll be ok , Lana . I 'll call your parents and I 'll take a cab right this moment to hospital . I 'll stay with you until your parents arrive . " He was still crying , but he was now trying to straighten his words up , act like a man . Just as she was being pushed through the ambulance , he felt her grabbing his wrist . It was a very weak grab , yet it was strong enough to show that she did want him with her in the ambulance . And he jumped in right away . WAS IT FIVE HOURS ? Did he spend five hours alone in hospital waiting to hear from Lana 's doctor ? Mark couldn 't exactly tell . The last time he looked at his watch was when they arrived at the theater It was five thirteen . That was the last time he saw those arms ticking . There was a watch in his hand , a clock hanging on the wall and even his cell phone could tell him the time . Yet he didn 't dare look . The longer they stayed in there , the more complications they faced . He thought to himself . So he kept convincing himself that he had only been here for a little time . The enormity of what he had to wait out was what made it seem like such a long time . But then again it was light when the accident happened ; now it was dark . It had been dark for a very long time now . No , it 's just the enormity of the situation , that 's what 's making it seem like forever . The O . R door was opened ; Mark didn 't exactly hold his breath . It had been swinging back and forth for dozens of times now ; all were nurses who refused to even look at him . But this time it was different . The scrubs looked different , the cap looked different , even the air about him was different . Mark knew this time it was the doctor ; he was done . " She 's ok . Luckily the glass didn 't shatter lots of things inside . There was very few internal bleeding , given the way she looked on the outside . The most dangerous was the one in her abdomen , which almost ripped her stomach , and the one in her chest . But they 're all out now , and we 've managed to stop the bleeding . She 's very fortunate ; didn 't break any bones except her right arm . Probably the table absorbed the fall . She might as well start walking again in three weeks . " " Three weeks ? " Mark had been listening with relief , all until those words came up . " What 's wrong with her walking ? Why can 't she walk right away ? " The place looked very uncomfortable . The sound of machines beeping increased as he approached Lana 's bed . She lay down , eyes closed with tubes coming out of her mouth and nose . She wasn 't wearing anything ; a sole white sheet was all that covered her up . Her exposed arms were full of plastered cuts ; one was right at her wrist . He reached out his hand to touch hers ; her index finger was connected to yet another device . He looked at her face ; miraculously , it had been spared any cuts . Her eyes slowly opened , she looked at his direction . " You 've just been through surgery . It 's probably the anesthetic . " Interrupted the nurse . " Don 't worry . The effect is fading away as we speak . " She then turned to Mark , " I 'm afraid you have to leave . I promised the doctor you won 't be long . " He sighed , then held out Lana 's hand . " I 'll be back as soon as I can . " She nodded with tears in her eyes . " In the time being , if you need me , just ask one of the nurses to call for me and I 'll be right there . " She nodded again . " DID YOU SEE HER ? " asked someone in Arabic . Mark turned around . But before he saw his face he was able to tell it was Amgad . Mark had barely noticed his presence all through the day . He couldn 't recall him calling 911 , or sitting right next to him in the hospital 's waiting room , or even walking back and forth beside him in front of the O . R . Amgad had been like a shadow , a ghost ; Mark knew he had to be there , yet he was never certain about his presence . " Is she ok ? " " Her parents are on their way . I told them that the doctor said she was no longer in danger . But you know how parents are like . They never believe it until they see for themselves . Besides , I heard her parents are untouchable . I think they 're coming here in a private jet or something . " Mark eyed him with disrespect . He could feel the hostility in the air . " Anyway , " he said tapping Mark on the shoulder , " they wouldn 't have to worry about the hospital fees . We - referring to the college - have it all covered . " Mark still didn 't talk to him . " I 'm going back to the hotel to get some sleep . Why don 't you come with me ? " " Suit yourself . I 'll be back first thing in the morning . " He began moving , then he turned around and said , " And if you need anything before then , just give me a call . " When he was finally gone , Mark sat on one of the waiting chairs in the corridor . Soon he fell asleep . He was later on awoken by a soft , feminine voice . It was the same nurse that took him to see Lana . Mark quickly got up and followed the nurse . He could see that it was morning again . He had been sleeping for almost six hours . They walked through a long corridor , then they took the elevator . Mark always hated the smell of hospitals . Even their neon lights gave him stomach cramps . It all reminded him of his father 's death ; all those times he used to play hide and seek with his brother on the hospital stairs . That one time they broke the small glass box in which the fire extinguisher is put . They fearfully rushed to the hospital cafeteria and tried to hide there . However , they were caught by one of the janitors and the hospital 's manager told their parents all about their mischief . Mark passed by one of those fire extinguishers now , he looked the other way . Finally , they reached Lana 's room . It was a very small room with a single bed , a single nightstand and just one chair . Lana was in bed , now she was wearing a hospital gown . The nurse gave him a few instructions then left . Mark slowly and quietly pulled the chair to her bedside , then he stayed there . He hesitated about holding her hand . He knew she wouldn 't like it now that she was out of the danger zone . He tried keeping his hands in his pockets so that they won 't reach out for hers , yet they were restless . To his relief , she finally opened her eyes . " I was falling again . But this time you caught me . You carried me all the way to hospital and the doctor told us I was ok , that I could still dance . " " No , no , no . " she interrupted him saying , " I didn 't mean to blame you . It 's just that I feel like … like you kind of saved me yesterday . I don 't know how long I could have lain there before someone came to look for me . I wasn 't even able to scream . I 'm very lucky I had you there with me . " He didn 't smile , at least his lips didn 't , but his eyes were jumping up and down with joy . Was she giving him mixed signals ? He thought it was very likely ; she was weak and alone and had nobody else to take care of her . He didn 't take her for a manipulator , but he expected anything from her . To him , she was full of surprises . " Your parents will be here anytime soon . " Said Mark casually . " Amgad told them about what happened . He said they 're already on a plane to New York . " " I don 't blame them . I mean , my mother isn 't that over - protective and she could 've worn wings and flown here if she had been in their place . " Lana gave out a silent laugh . " Hell , even Baher 's father would have flown right away if it had been him . " Her face changed at this remark . It seemed she didn 't want to remember Mohammad , not now , not like this . " Please ! If my parents know , then my sister knows . And if my sister knows , then everybody knows . She must 've told Tonya and Tonya must 've told him . " Now it was Mark 's face that changed . He cleared his throat . " She couldn 't have known . " He then said , " If she had known , she would 've called me right away to check on you . " Mark paused and started looking for it in his pocket . Not finding it , he stood up and started looking harder . Lana giggled carefully in fear of hurting her chest . He stayed with her all day long , trying to make her feel better ; something which proved to be not very difficult after all . At night her parents arrived . Her sister didn 't come with them . Mrs . Masry said that she had a summer camp in London . Her mother looked a lot different from the way she had looked all the other times Mark had seen her . She didn 't have even a brush of make up on . And her hair - which turned out to be not straight , but very curly - was combed backwards and tied . She looked ten years older that way . As for her father , he didn 't seem quite different , except for the worry - lines that appeared on his forehead . Mark stayed with them for five minutes then he excused himself . WHEN HE FINALLY reached his hotel room , he found his cell phone lying on the bed . The battery was dying . He got the charger out of the nightstand drawer and plugged it in . He then opened it to see if there were any missed calls . He found two from his mother , half a dozen from Tonya and one from Mohammad . He called his mother to tell her he was ok . Later , he called Mohammad to tell him that Lana was ok . He didn 't call Tonya . Posted on November 15 , 2012 by ranamuhtaha 2 The talent show day came … and passed . Lana and Mohammad performed their piece with all the love and talent they possessed . If it hadn 't been for Mohammad 's little mistake with the riffs , they would 've been declared the winners of the competition right at the spot . As for Mark and Tonya , their piece didn 't go on as smoothly as they had expected . Tonya 's choreography wasn 't that artistic , and if that wasn 't bad enough , she messed up some moves and forgot about others . Nevertheless , Mark 's voice never faltered throughout the performance , not even for once . The results were out almost a week after the talent show . That day , things were a bit tense between Lana and Mohammad . It wasn 't so pleasant when Mohammad kept refusing to introduce Lana to his band . At some point , Lana accused him of trying to drive her away ; that made the relationship a little stressful . But now the stress was even more , given the situation with the competition and all . As they were arguing about a certain chord that Lana insisted Mohammad had been strumming the wrong way all day long , Mark came running toward them . " The talent show . " Replied Mark , stealing air in between his words ; he was now standing right in front of Lana . " You and I won first place ! We 're traveling to London next week . Then , we 'll go to New York . " " Oh my God ! " exclaimed Lana , with her very red - with - heat face . She held her head with her arms as she span around to face Mohammad . " I can 't believe it . " " Neither can I . " Said Mark . " I 've been refusing to participate in that talent show for the past three years , telling myself I wasn 't good enough . Now , just look what happened . " For all this time , Mohammad didn 't utter a single syllable ; he was simply speechless . Not only had he worked his hardest for the past month to win the competition , but he also pushed Lana through some of her most desperate moments . Now , look who 's laughing ! It didn 't hurt him that Mark had won . It hurt him that he had lost ; Mohammad , the guy with the band ! The professional musician ! If anything , Mohammad had been yearning for that trip to London . He would dream every night that he went there with Lana , and that they spoke to Mark and Tonya in those red phone booths and kissed in front of the Big Ben . Now all his dreams where shattered ; Mark had taken it all away . Mark and Lana both told her at once . Her reaction was very different from Mohammad 's . She seemed extremely happy for them . Then she remembered the trip . Her facial expressions altered a bit at that , they weren 't as relaxed or happy as before . For one thing , she didn 't want to be separated from Mark for a whole week . And for another thing , she didn 't want him traveling with another girl , even if that girl was her best friend . LANA 's CDS HAD been scattered around everywhere since the day she joined college . She wasn 't a very organized person , especially when it came to her CDs . But now , she was traveling to London . And those CDs had to accompany her just about everywhere she went . As she was collecting them one after the other from the theatre , Mohammad came in . She looked at him , then she looked the other way . She was nowhere near impressed with the way he had met the news about her winning the competition , and she decided to give him a piece of her mind . She was silent . Bending over the floor to pick up one of the CDs , she accidentally dropped her necklace . It was a necklace given to her by Mohammad as some kind of lucky charm back in the day when they were rehearsing for the talent show . She didn 't pick it up . Mohammad noticed that . He slowly moved toward the necklace , picked it up and handed it to her with his stretched arm . " That 's oughta be a compliment . " She was now obviously crossed , " I mean , we are gonna play partners in London . It would be great to seem convincing ; just what we 're going for . " " I can 't believe you 're excited about that trip ! " Said Mohammad , finally dropping the mask . " It was our dream , our thing . " At both syllables , he strongly struck his chest . " At least pretend to be sorry we both didn 't win . " " Well , at least you pretend you 're happy for me ! " cried Lana overwhelmed . " God , " she turned around and moved away from him . " Your jealousy is unbelievable . Simply unbelievable ! Can 't you see that I have won ? It was my dream , and it finally came true . " They both remained silent . Both saw themselves as victims and saw each other as errants . By then , Mark was already in the middle of the theatre , yet neither of them seemed to notice him till he spoke . " Right behind you . " Said Lana picking up her backpack while her eyes were still fixed at Mohammad . She followed Mark , looked back at Mohammad one last time , stopped , held on to a pole near the door of the theatre , let herself go so that the only thing keeping her from falling was her firm grab to that pole , then she was gone . That was the last time she ever saw Mohammad till the day she traveled to London . THE WAY TO the airport was very festive . All Lana 's family was with her in the car . Her father rode in the front by the chauffeur 's side . While her mother and younger sister , Sara , sat next to her in the backseat . They were all talking to Lana , each giving her advice on how to manage her time between shopping and sightseeing , how to practice well before the performance and never fear the judges . They kept reminding her that going there was the real prize , and all that followed didn 't matter . When they had finally arrived at the airport , the chauffeur rushed out of the Land Rover and opened the trunk . He pulled out two suitcases and a handbag . It 's a fact , Lana wasn 't traveling light . And why should she ? She had millions of pieces of clothes to wear , an entire week to spend in London and lots of outings to look forward to . However , the only problem that faced her was who should carry all that luggage . " Lana ! " she heard someone scream as she was getting out of the car . She turned around and realized that she was face to face with Tonya . They had already said their goodbyes back at her house the night before , but of course Tonya had to drive Mark to the airport . She quickly ran toward Lana 's family and greeted them one after the other . Lana 's parents had always loved Tonya , but lately , they 've been feeling that she was a bit distant from their daughter . All that time , Mark was inside the airport with his family . Tonya led Lana and her family inside to meet him . For the first time ever , Lana was introduced to Mark 's mother . She had seen Mohammad 's father before ; nevertheless , that wasn 't such a happy encounter to remember . But Mark 's mother was very different ; she was this middle - aged , nice woman who looked very elegant and beautiful . Her loose , white shirt made her look so bright and her Hijab didn 't only cover up her hair , but her wrinkles as well . She had Mark 's green eyes , but hers were a bit larger . She shook hands with Lana 's mother with a bright smile . Also , Mark 's little sisters looked like nice people , even though they seemed a bit foolish and maybe even childish . As for his brother , he didn 't look like him at all . He was also tall but with a slim body and brown hair . He shared his sisters ' foolishness , but wasn 't as childish as they were . The two families would 've spent hours blending together if they hadn 't called for Lana and Mark 's flight . That was when they said goodbye to everyone , grabbed their luggage - Mark surely helping Lana with hers - and left . They spent some time at the boarding lines then they went to the cafeteria . All that time , one thing was on Lana 's mind ; Mohammad didn 't come to say goodbye . Mark was able to tell , so he decided this was the best way to make conversation . " He 's not gonna come . " He began , sitting down on the table with her right after they had ordered . " I 've been friends with him for years now and I know exactly how he thinks . " " I 'm telling you how he thinks , not what I think . " Replied Mark defensively . He was silent for a while , then he rejoined , " just let it be . It 's gonna work itself out . " " See ! That 's the problem . We haven 't reached that place yet . Right now it either works or it doesn 't , no in betweens . And from where I 'm standing , it 's not working . " They were interrupted by the waiter 's arrival at the table . He placed down a plate of spaghetti with meatballs and another plate of French fries . Lana started nibbling on the French fries , while Mark worked his way to the spaghetti . He then took a look at her and said , " You know , those fries aren 't gonna fill your hunger . You 'll want to eat again once we get on the plane . And with the economy tickets we have , trust me , eating is not advisable . " Lana smiled , for the first time since they were alone together . " C ' mon , " he said , rolling the fork through the spaghetti and feeding her , " it 's delicious . " Lana opened her mouth and took the chunkiest bite she had taken in ages , then they both burst out into laughter . Despite being able to make Lana laugh , Mark hadn 't been accurate in his words . For if he had known Mohammad well enough , he would have seen him standing at the airport right in front of the cafeteria and watching Lana eating spaghetti from behind an ornamental tree . Getting to that part of the airport wasn 't allowed for non - travelers ; however , Mohammad 's father had his own connections . And when Mohammad told him he needed permission to get inside the airport , Mr . Baher couldn 't help but comply , owing to the dim hope that maybe this favor could narrow the gap between them . Nevertheless , standing like a fool behind that tree and seeing how happy Lana seemed and how she wasn 't even thinking about him , Mohammad regretted having asked for such a favor . His eyes were watering up with tears . That was when he realized how deeply he felt for Lana , how it wasn 't just a fling and that perhaps he was already in love with her . He could 've gone straight to her , told her he was sorry and that he loved her . Yet , he couldn 't . He hated himself , but not to that extent . However , he loved her just about to any extent . In the end , he found it best to leave and pretend he had never come in the first place . THE PLANE WASN ' T any better than Mark had expected it to be . When the food was served , Mark winked at Lana and they both tried to conceal their laughter till the flight attendant moved to the seats in the opposite aisle . They watched a movie , during which Lana fell asleep on Mark 's shoulder . He gently tapped her on the shoulder to wake her up . She slowly opened her eyes and turned to him smiling . Then he unloaded their handbags from above their seats and carried them through the shuttle bus . From the shuttle bus , they moved to the airport and from the airport to the hotel where they would be staying . Now Lana wouldn 't usually accept such an invitation , especially since she was extremely tired due to working around the clock the previous week on her piece at the festival and finally performing it the day before at the festival . Moreover , she was leaving the following morning so she needed to stay in and pack . And most importantly , she wasn 't fond of going out with people whom she didn 't very well know to places she didn 't know any better either ; that was Tonya 's thing . But all things considered , she felt the need to chill out a bit after an extremely tiring week , and Mark was giving her this opportunity . Dressed in a scarlet evening gown with a length an inch or two above her knees and wearing her bright brown hair down , Lana looked truly majestic . As Mark hesitantly knocked at the door of her hotel room , he realized that he was doing something very wrong . It could be considered cheating on his girlfriend , or even worse ; stealing his best friend 's girl . He weighed his options and realized that if he stayed , he would be a hypocrite and if he left he would be a coward . And even though he was out of time , he made his decision ; he chose to be a hypocrite . But even that was weird in a way . Meaning , he did not feel the smallest remorse for spending such a long evening with Lana . Guilt didn 't even cross his mind when he asked her to dance to Lady in Red 's soft tunes . Tonya 's picture never came up in his mind ; it was like she wasn 't even a part of his life . And that didn 't bother him , not at all . " Right after I finished school . " He looked her straight in the eye , unlike Mohammad who seldom made eye contacts when speaking about his past . " My father had been dead for some years and my little sister was having some problems in math and she needed to take a private lesson we couldn 't afford . That 's of course beside the electricity bill which we had been doing our best to ditch for almost a month . My mother was working three jobs at once and she still couldn 't support us . So I had to stand up and do what I was obliged to do . " He took in some of his alcoholic drink . Lana sat opposite to him on the table . She had a facial expression which he hadn 't expected at all . Instead of pity or empathy , she looked at him with complete admiration , which gave him the courage to continue . " But then the freeze on my father 's bank accounts was lifted and life was so much better . And if that wasn 't enough , I got a scholarship in our college . It 's like … it gets worse , and worse , but then it can 't help but get better . " " You never told me that before . " Said Lana slightly blaming him . Did she have the right to blame him ? He didn 't believe so , but he wished she felt so . Because that would mean that he 's closer to her than he realized ; that she considered him a good friend . Oh , just the sound of it felt so impelling . If she could just give him a sign ! If ! The way back to the hotel was the closest Mark had ever been to heaven . The diner wasn 't that far from the hotel so they didn 't have to take a cab ; they walked home on foot . As they stepped out of the diner , they saw a couple of guys who looked like muggers across the street . Lana uneasily engaged Mark 's arm and drew him a bit closer to her . A chill spread all over his body , one that he tried so hard to hide . A while later , just as they had moved away from those muggers , he felt her shiver . " You 're cold ! " he said turning to her while they were still walking . Her face was white and her lips were blue . Before she could say anything , he stopped , took off his coat and placed it over her shoulder . Then he slowly buttoned it with so much care . When he was done , he took her arm and they were on their way again . " Good night . " She said smiling . Then she turned around and opened the door . He took a deep breath , then he closed the door behind her … after he had stepped into her room . " Look , " he said with a very quick pace , not at all caring about her very surprised condition . " There 's something I really need to tell you . The first time I saw you , it was long before the academic year ; long before anybody else had seen you , even Baher . It was during the summer vacation . I was at college to pay the tuition and you were there with your mother , taking a tour around the campus . You probably didn 't notice me , but I did . And I was hooked . " He stopped for a moment to breathe , and very heavily he did . " Then I waited to see you again at the beginning of the year but I didn 't . Tonya showed up , and don 't get me wrong ; I really like her , but just as a friend . She was the one who misunderstood the whole thing . Anyway , when I saw you again and knew ( from Tonya ) that you were seeing someone , I decided to let it go and stick with Tonya . I thought I was gonna be able to get over that stupid crush , except … it 's not a crush … " " Yes . " Sighed Mark , " I do love you . And I know it 's impossible to believe , but if you search deep down inside , you 'll realize you love me too . " " Please , Mark , no . " she said melting into tears as she pushed him back with her hands . He held back her hands , pushed her to the wall and started kissing her . She tried to get away , but she was too weak for his muscles . And also there was a part of her that enjoyed the drama . However , something suddenly snapped inside her when she realized that she could actually get raped . She started making violent moves and was about to scream at the top of her lungs when … he suddenly stopped . He let go of her hands , moved a step or two backwards , then he just covered his face with his hands . " I 'm sorry . " He said with the deepest degree of regret . " I don 't know what … I 'm just extremely sorry . " He then turned around and stormed out of the room . Standing against the wall with her dress slightly torn , her lipstick all over her face and Mark 's coat thrown at her feet , Lana still couldn 't catch her breath . Her wide nostrils contracted then relaxed as the mascara - mingled with tears - stained her fair cheeks . She then slowly moved to her bed , threw herself upon it and chocked on her tears . Posted on October 19 , 2012 by ranamuhtaha Reply Thursday night ; the official play - day of all Egyptian youth since it precedes the Muslim Sabbath , Friday . Tonya , who had escorted Lana to her home , was getting ready in front of the mirror . The girls knew it was going to be a cold night , and they put that into account when choosing their outfits . Tonya brought over with her her hot - pink , woolly , turtleneck pullover and her plaid Technicolor miniskirt patterned with squares in black , blue , red and pink . Even though they made her thighs look even chubbier than they already were , she simply adored those little skirts and shorts . As she admiringly observed herself in the mirror , Tonya helped herself in putting on her long , golden earrings with a small flower protruding at the end , and she buckled the thin , golden necklace with a similar flower pendant . She had borrowed Lana 's golden Tissot watch and was now adding the final touches to her make - up . The heavy mascara , the pinkish eye shadow , the brown lipstick , the peach - colored foundation with the soft blusher spread on it ; every single cosmetic was used to make Tonya as alluring as ever . As Lana watched her adding little , simple details to finish off her appearance , she finally realized how this disorganized shape she always found Tonya in got built about . To her , Tonya always overdressed , over - accessorized and over - embellished in a somewhat vulgar way . She had been taught by Dalia that simplicity is the key to irresistible beauty . And Lana always took that to extreme levels , for she would rather under - dress than dress properly for the occasion . For instance , at that particular instance , Lana was in a short black and white dress , all tight from head to bottom , slightly showing the turns at her waist , sleeveless and with a neckline which covered her chest completely and only showed fragments of her bare shoulders . She wore her hair up high in the form of a long ponytail of certain volume . Both she and Tonya were wearing black , opaque tights and black , leather boots , but Tonya 's had fur along their edges . " You look great . " It didn 't look like she meant it . " But the thing is , the dress is a bit bulky . It might need something to spice it up a bit , let 's say a … a brooch ! " " What about some long necklace with a relatively large pendant ? " suggested Tonya , already going through Lana 's accessory drawer . " I 'm thinking white gold , since you 're in black and white and all . There , " she said pulling one end of a necklace out , " with this beautiful dolphin - shaped pendant , this piece 's definitely gonna give you the edge your looking for . " Lana wasn 't so sure . After all , she never liked leaving herself in Tonya 's hands . But this time it was different , for the necklace really did suit her well that she actually considered going for it . She took one final look at the mirror , believed that the dress needed a simple touch to make it shine , then looked at the necklace ; saw that it was simple enough . " There , Bassiouni , " she said to the chauffer hastily , " that 's where we take off . Thanks . " With that she grabbed Lana 's hand and pulled her out of the car behind her . ONLY OPENING UP in 2003 , the Sawy culture wheel had presented Cairo with a new type of entertainment . It was placed in a very awkward position , though in Zamalek , one of the classiest districts in Cairo , The Sawy wheel was actually built up underneath a bridge , in a place that used to be a garbage dumpster just a few years before . Now , it offered all different types of courses , ranging from photography to guitar and even self defense courses . Nevertheless , what it really added the most was a place where all underground bands could perform for recognition . In the Sawy wheel , any growing talent had a chance to have their own show without much hassle , and perhaps that was the brightest reason why people were so high on it . " Good enough , considering it 's actually under a bridge . We all know what those unfortunate places are destined to become here in Egypt . " That is : garages , shelters for the homeless and , as in our current case , huge garbage dumpsters . " He 's always asking me questions that sometimes I feel I 'm with a secret agent . Hardly ever speaks about himself . Even when I ask him about the guys in his band , he usually tends to change the subject . " " That 's just the way Mohammad is . The smoke of mystery that surrounds him ; it 's not an act . He really doesn 't like to talk about himself . I know it 's spooky , especially for girls , but it 's just who he is . " She suddenly became extremely attentive ; Mark could see she was starving for his briefing . " Now the band 's made up of five members : two guitarists ; Baher , who 's also a vocalist , and Mustafa ; long , curly , black hair , small body , pale skin and a pair of blue eyes you 'll hardly see from over here . Very talented , but a bit unstable . Then there 's Ashraf ; that 's the main vocalist , he performs in almost ninety - nine percent of the songs , usually alongside Baher . And of course there 's Youssef ; short , brown hair , confident smile and sweet words . He 's the bass guitar player . But , beware of him , big time . He 's a serious playboy . And not like my brother ; this guy can bring about disasters . He 's on everything that 's not in the book ; drugs , alcohol , fornication . If you ever get worried that music 's gonna have a bad influence on Baher , that 's the guy to fear . And if he comes to say hello after the party , when he 's shaking hands with you very heartily ; he 's not being nice , he 's being dirty . " He said the last words with a certain air of menace . " I mean it ; careful . " He now turned his eyes towards Tonya , made her see that the words were also for her ears . Despite Lana 's disapproval of having to hear something like that from him , feeling that he had no right to give her such advice , Tonya couldn 't have loved listening to anything more , for this meant that he was trying to protect her . And when Lana would believe that she doesn 't need protection , Tonya would be thrilled to find someone willing to do the job . " That 's his family name . " explained Mark . " He 's first name 's also Mohammad - so now you see why we all call him Baher . He 's a bit chubby , not very attractive for a rock star . But when he gets around those drums , he just sets the stage on fire . Outside the stage , though , he 's a little too shy . But he 's a good guy , no need to fear him . " Throughout this long clarification , Lana looked at Mark like a student looking at her professor , always nodding and trying to digest the whole information . " Of course , when they all get on stage , I 'll be able to explain a bit more , since they 're gonna be right in front of you . " " That is if she could see anything from where she 's standing . " Interrupted Tonya facetiously . " One thing you don 't know about Lana is her struggle with her height . " " She 's not that short . " Said Mark amusedly , checking her out . He noticed that her boots were of high heels , but not too high . " If someone hears you say that , they 'd think you 're a tower yourself . " Lana punched back with the same sense of humor . She had a point , for Tonya was only a few centimeters longer than Lana . " He did too ! He was almost as tall as you , " she was referring to Mark , " and some of his friends told him he should dump her because they looked ridiculous together . She came to me practically begging for me to teach her to walk in high heels . " Lana looked haughtily away , yet Mark seemed to be quite enjoying himself . " Up till now , if you watch closely , you 'll notice how she can hardly hold her grounds when walking in heels . " " Yeah right . " Tonya was again speaking only to Mark . " Another thing you should know about Lana is that it takes her at least six months to confess that she 's actually in love with someone . " " Don 't listen to her . " Now Lana was the one only talking to Mark . " She 's just tryin ' a tarnish my reputation ; paint a hideous picture of me . " " Anyways , even if that 's your way of loving , " intervened Mark , after a while of indulging in the show they had both been playing out , " you still gotta claim Baher all to yourself if you really like him . For who knows ? If the crowds cheer for him tonight , I won 't be surprised if some chick ends up steeling him away from you by the end of the concert . After all , he is gonna be a rock star , and that 's like : girls ' magnet . " Soon afterwards , the concert began and the ' Bangels ' hit the stage . The moment they all took position , Lana began to apply Mark 's words on the scene that was right in front of her eyes . And she had to give it to him ; Mark had been very thorough in his description , since even though it was the first time to see them , Lana felt like she had already seen the band members before through his efficient sketch . " Better take off your coats , girls . You won 't be needing them anymore , since the show 's getting started and the heat is already on . " Said Mark , excitedly applauding and cheering for his best friend . They began playing , mostly rock songs but no metal included ; a relief to Lana , who adored all genres of music , yet hated metal and hard rock with all her heart . After a few songs , Lana whispered to Tonya that it seemed they were a cover band for The Calling . They weren 't Lana 's favorite , but she certainly enjoyed their music . Like Mark had said , it was Ashraf who performed most of the songs ; his voice was so similar to that of Alex Band , harsh , masculine yet tuneful . It shared a similarity with Mark 's strong voice ; Lana wondered for a second why he too didn 't make up a band of his own , but she dared not ask him . In the end , and after a lot of cheering from the audience , Mohammad announced that they would wrap it all up with a song by Mohammad 's own words and musical composition . This was about the only song in which Ashraf hadn 't participated , for it was sung entirely by Muhammad . Before playing out the solo , Mohammad said that he dedicated this song to a beautiful girl who was currently gaining on his heart . Mark and Tonya glanced at Lana playfully ; she was already in tears . When it was all over , the three of them rushed to Mohammad to congratulate him on his huge success . From Mark , Lana had learnt that Baher ' band had performed in school and in college a couple of times . Yet this was considered their first official performance , and since it was very pleasant , Mohammad suggested the four of them leave immediately for somewhere where they could " celebrate " . This was a relief to Lana , for it meant that she wouldn 't have to shake hands with Youssef . " God , I hate those . " Joined Tonya from behind . " They always remove repeated verses and overlap the songs that you can hardly tell where one song ends and the other begins . " " I think I 've found us something to listen to . " Announced Lana , pressing the eject button , replacing the CD in the player with the one she had just found , then pressing play . " There ; enjoy . " She said as she turned on the volume . The first song was j ' ai quitte mon pays by Enrico Macias . The boys were surprised when Lana began singing along with the song . " Why , you went to a British school , right ? " Lana nodded . " They don 't teach fluent French there , as far as I know . " " I didn 't learn French at school . " Explained Lana . " It 's practically my mother 's first language . I think I learnt to speak it even before I could speak Arabic . None of you guys have learnt any French in school ? " " We used to take it when we were in national school , up till preparatory or something . But we weren 't really learning it , you know . Just memorizing some empty words that would get us through to the next year . " Mohammad said . He once told her that he and Mark used to be in the same school , Manor House , till third Prep , that Mohammad even attended the funeral of Mark 's father . However , afterwards , Mohammad 's father decided to transfer him to an American high - school while Mark joined the IGSCE division in the Manor House . They didn 't become best friends , though , until they met again in college . " Sure . She actually was in the Mer de Dieu , since it was a nuns ' school and all . So her French 's pretty good . But mine is not as good , though . Never took it seriously . " Lana listened with great interest . From what she 'd heard about Mark 's mum - for Tonya gave her a full description of all their meetings - she seemed like a nice person to know . " It was awesome . " Blurted Tonya clapping her hands enthusiastically . " Everything was great ; the choice of songs , the music playing , the singing . It was all synchronized perfectly . " " Yes , by the way , Mark , you know what I 've been thinking all through the show ? " Mark was silent , waited for Tonya to tell him . " Why on earth you never thought about starting up your own band . I mean , you 've got the voice , the charisma . " Suddenly , Lana felt red with embarrassment . Realizing that nobody noticed her state , she waited anxiously for Mark 's reply to the question she had longed to ask . " Actually , it 's not my thing . " answered Mark . " I take music as a hobby , unlike Mohammad . Besides , those bands are all about folks who sing western covers . I 'm all about Eastern music , on the other hand . It suits my voice best . " " Well , " started Lana , looking back at him from her front seat , " how about the Opera ? That 's exactly the place for a voice like yours , especially if you 're gonna sing Tarab ; classic oriental music . As a matter of fact , I can hook you up with a few guys who might secure you an audition . " " Thanks , but I 'd rather it remained a hobby . " Said Mark politely . " My greatest dream is to become an architect . The whole singing thing is just gonna stand in my way . " Just as the song ended , and a new song : can 't help falling in love by Elvis Presley began , Tonya and Mark excused themselves , said they were going to have a walk by the Nile . That left Lana and Mohammad by themselves . The awkward moment of silence was broken by Mohammad . " Loved it . " Said Lana , shrinking back in her seat for a while . " But , " she now looked up , as if she had mustered all the courage to get her speaking honestly , " there is one thing I wanted to ask you about . " " Any song . I love all of his album . " She was referring to his debut album , Back to Bedlam , for it was the only one released back then . " Yeah , but which of them do you like the most ? You 're beautiful ? " Mohammad took the wild guess given it was the song she had chosen for their talent show number . " No , in fact , my favorite 's goodbye my lover . " Confessed Lana dreamingly , in her mild , sweet voice . " When I really feel like dancing , I just turn it on and all the best moves just keep flowing by . " " Two reasons , " Lana held out her index and middle fingers . " First ; because its performance depends solely on the piano , and you only play the guitar , so I figured it would be better if we stick to what you know best . And second ; for me to dance perfectly to a song , I have to really feel its words . And since I haven 't gone through that painful goodbye yet , I figured it was best to take one thing at a time . Besides , I 'm not really looking forward to saying goodbye to someone I love like that . " Mohammad couldn 't find something to say that would come up to that , so he decided to keep his mouth shut . " Oh , " she screamed excitedly , turning on the volume , " there 's another of my favorites . " The song she called her " favorite " was Moon River by Frank Sinatra . " I used to listen to this song by the sea in Hurghada when I 'd go there with my family during my midterm vacation . It would be night and the moon would shine through the dark , shimmering sea as the wind would gently blow my hair . As much as I enjoyed the view , I would always imagine I was in truth overlooking the river . Can 't believe I 'm living through it tonight . " She said as she looked romantically out the window . " And a full moon , too . " That night , Mohammad discovered a number of things about Lana ; things that made him fall deeper for her . As the songs rolled on , her excitement reached its climax , until she jumped out of the car and began dancing by the riverside . To fully satisfy her , Mohammad opened his trunk and connected the bazooka speakers he had installed in there . The sound they produced was scary in its clarity , all the better for Lana , who had already taken off her coat and boots , and was dancing like a crazy person . What amazed Mohammad the most was her rare gift of knowing how to dance to every single tune , no matter how different it is from the one that precedes or follows it . Whether it was slow , jazz , Latin , pop , or even soft rock , it didn 't matter ; Lana always found a way around it . It suddenly occurred to him that their love for music was almost equal , but they loved it each from a different prospective . " Me too . " Added Lana . " Oh , " she exclaimed running back to the car with the uneaten ice - cream still in her hand , " I love this song ! " " Words don 't come easy by F . R . David . " Answered Mohammad , walking slowly towards Lana . " Words , " he began singing , pretending that the ice - cream stick was his microphone , " don 't come eeeeasy … to me . How can I find a was … to make you see I love you ? Words don 't come easy . " " You know that the song I sang tonight at the concert was dedicated to you ? " Lana blushed against her will to stay cool , as she looked up to his hazel eyes . " And so is this one . " |
Sometimes a swift kick in the behind is just what I need to get myself going . Other times I 'm whistling along the road and a random kick from the universe knocks me into the ditch . So this is about those kicks in writing / publishing , family , and life . I bet you 've had some kicks in the pants too . Those of you who have been reading this know that Daddy is moving to the Alzheimer 's facility tomorrow called The Lantern . Today , my sisters and I made the bed , moved furniture , and hung pictures , clocks , Dad 's stuffed pheasant and the like . Mom stopped by , while Dad was with a caregiver , and said that Dad just might find a girlfriend there since he 'd told her that he wasn 't married . She laughed about his comment . She doesn 't think this will upset her . I can 't imagine , if it does happen , that she won 't be distressed . Even if he is gone in mind , I think I would be rather peeved if Jeff found a new girlfriend after we had been married for 52 years . Although , I guess that is better than the men who decide they want to trade for a younger model after that amount of time . Those men seem to have their minds they have just lost their good sense . The room looked nice when we finished . We even hung , in the bathroom , his painting of a parrot that he did on a cruise he and mom took several years ago . I 'm still trying to clean out here at the house in which we are living and hanging pictures here too . Even though Mom says it is our house now , that feels very awkward to me . Perhaps because so many of her things are still here . I can 't quite bring myself to do too much changing . I think that would be admitting somewhere deep inside that she really isn 't coming back . Intellectually , I have accepted this as a possibility , even a strong possibility , but deep inside I want my mother to be here , hugging my kids , making me crazy , and most of all loving her life . I 'm not ready to let her go . I don 't think I will ever be ready . But unless someone hands me a magic wand or a healing stick , I 'm pretty sure I don 't get a say . On an upside , I did get to go to Ankar 's Hoagies today with my sister and nephew . This restaurant has the most phenomenal steak in a sack I have ever had the pleasure to consume . I was never able to find its equal in Knoxville . So if you are passing through , stop and grab a pita full of meat and onion deliciousness at Ankar 's . Don 't bother telling them Nancy sent you because they have no idea who the heck I am . We took the family to Mom 's church again today . While I can 't quite climb on board with some of the Baptist beliefs , it looks like we may make this our church home . Even though Mom hasn 't said it , I know one thing she wants to see is her church growing before she dies . She was part of a huge church split many years ago . It is only in the last year , she and Dad rejoined . That is something I can help do , at least we can increase it by four . After all , Jeff and I got married there and many of the members have known me since I was five . Plus , they have a new , young pastor so we will see . We certainly got spiritually refueled today . Mom needed me to drive her , Dad , and the two elderly women she drives to church , home today . Mom drove there but then said she felt too dizzy . I 'm thinking it 's fortunate she didn 't get pulled over on the way to church . That 's all we need is for Mom to get a DWI because of her pain meds . Jeff was in such a good mood today . It was nice to sit in church , holding hands , and then take communion together . Although , Jeff wanted to know what I was hiding since I got choked on the communion grape juice . We came home and began cleaning out more of Mom and Dad 's stuff upstairs , old receipts , bank statements , an old will of Mom 's . Then I came across a calender from 2006 . It was Dad 's from only five years ago . In the month of January , the calender was full of tennis , Gideon meetings , church functions all in his distinctive slashing writing . Then as the months moved forward , the writing became messier , more disjointed , the appointments became fewer . It was like a timeline of the progresion of his illness . I told one of my friends about it and she asked if I kept it . Not only did I throw it away , I tossed it like the paper was acid . While I can recognize the value of hisotry , I don 't want to remember that slow progression into the blankness that he now exists in most of the time . Maybe someday later , I 'll be sorry I didn 't keep it but not today . Tomorrow , we go to decorate his new room . I hope he likes Posted by Each day for just a moment when I wake up , there is the possibility of a great day . Sometimes that possibility lasts only as long as it takes to wake the children , other times it extends until the first crisis . What I 've discovered is the longer Mom 's cancer eats at her , the smaller the event has to be for me to term it a crisis . This is taking a toll on my parenting and my marriage . I 've always considered myself an easy - breezy kind of gal . But I 'm afraid I 'm not fun anymore . Everything seems to come back to Mom 's illness . Sometimes , I find myself wanting to just inerject it into random conversations . So far , I 'm resisting the impulse but it 's there . It looms so large in my life now that I think it ought to be obvious by looking at me . A visible token like Hester Prynne 's scarlet A or Pigpin 's dirt cloud ( very different examples from the literary spectrum , I realize ) . Then every once in awhile , I let myself forget . Today , at the kids ' basketball games was one of those times . I talked to Mom at the beginning of my son 's game and she said she still felt dizzy . I offered to pick her up but she said she just wanted to stay home so I didn 't think much more about it . It was loud in there and my girl did so well . My oldest sister came to see her game . But when I got out of the gym , I saw my mother had tried to call me seven times and I hadn 't even checked my phone . There were no messages . When I tried to call her apartment , the answering machine picked up . Turns out , they were delivering Dad 's furniture to the Lantern and she needed someone to be there to meet the truck but wasn 't able to get a hold of me or my sisters . When I did talk to her , the first thing she said was , " I 'm glad I wasn 't dying since I couldn 't reach any of you . " I didn 't even know how to respond . It felt like she threw an anvil at my head and it landed square on my shoulders to carry around for the rest of the day . I 'm sure she didn 't intend to be so heavy in her comment . No doubt she had felt that way . I can 't imagine how alone she must feel in all this . I 'm doing the best I can . I hate it when I feel I fall short . Posted by Mom continued to feel woozy today but did say her stomach pain was considerably less . I thought we were going to Cleveland today ( mom loves Scott 's furniture because she thinks they have good prices ) to get Dad furniture for his room . I called Mom around 9 : 30 but she wasn 't home . She 'd had Dad 's caregiver take her instead of me . Turns out when I talked to my sisters , each of them had thought mom wanted them to take her so maybe we were all on stand - by . More likely she forgot . I have noticed things slipping her mind more frequently . It may be the pain meds or it may be how much is going on in her life . She gets very irritated if I suggest she has forgotten something though so I just try not to mention it . The social worker from Hospice came today and I wonder if Mom will remember what they talked about . That is the reason I like to be there for the appointments so I can get the full story . Mom did report that Dad is no longer walking crooked so we don 't know what that was about . I have been looking about this house for things for Dad 's room . I think I have a pretty good selection in mind . His hunting pictures , military awards , framed diploma . They did suggest that we not bring his sword . That would be a administrative nightmare to have a bunch of Alzheimer 's patients dueling it out with swords . I figured we could put in some pictures of their wedding , maybe his family and we got a picture of almost the whole family a couple of summers ago . Tomorrow , we are moving stuff into Dad 's new place . We aren 't moving Dad in yet so I don 't know what kind of feelings putting his stuff in will bring in Mom or the rest of us . For now , I have to get to bed . Both the kids have basketball games tomorrow and one of Kelsey 's besties is coming from Knoxville to spend the night . That is always simultaneously wonderful and sad . She and Christopher miss their friends there so much . But being here makes me realize how much I needed to come . I can 't imagine trying to manage all this from Knoxville . If I have a day with nothing to say , I 'll add the story of how God moved us here . Seriously , there had to be some divine intervention . So goodnight all and I 'll type at you tomorrow . Today , was the first day of the Hospice medication change and so far it is a clear thumbs down . Mom is nauseated and having stomach pain . In addition , she feels woozy and unable to drive . She had a caregiver come to stay with Dad this afternoon but said she didn 't need one for tonight . She added that she didn 't understand why people would ever break into a pharmacy to feel the way she is feeling . She thinks the meds are too strong but her nurse said her body is just adjusting . Not sure I like the nurse 's response . I guess I will have to reserve judgement until I see if Mom does indeed adjust . I forgot to mention yesterday that since she has stopped chemo , Mom had enough hair to get a haircut . My two sisters and I went with her to the beauty shop . Her hair has come back in very dark . I thought when the hairdresser finished Mom looked great , other than the fluorescent lights which had me wondering why I hadn 't put on more blush and lipstick . It is a much shorter style than Mom has every worn which I guess is why she plopped the wig back on top of her head . Although , I have to think , knowing that her hair looks fine without a wig now has to be some comfort for her . Dad joined all four of us , the three daughters , and Mom , for lunch at the Bistro downstairs in their complex . It didn 't hit me until right now that I can 't remember the last time the original family sat together without any husbands or children or friends attending . I wonder , with Dad moving next week , if that will have been our last meal together for just the original five . It seems like we ought to have marked it with some ceremony . Instead , Cindy and I rushed off to teach class and Sharon had to go pick up her daughter from school . Last night , Mom had my kids over to swim since one of the perks of her place is the indoor pool . After the swimming , she went through one of the photo albums with my children ( at their request ) telling them about all the people and animals in the pictures . I wished I had brought the video camera since I know the memory in my brain is so faulty . The kids were up way too late last night but I couldn 't bring myself to pull them away . They will have lots of time for good night 's sleep but not so many to bask in their grandma 's memories . My daughter wrote her other grandparents a letter last week . We have not had contact with Jeff 's parents for ten years . I assumed they would ignore the letter as they have multiple cards from Jeff and updates on the children from me . Instead , we got a phone call from his brother to relay a message . She wanted to know the motivation behind the letter . Jeff and I felt pretty speechless , there was no motivation . Jeff finally stammered out that it was probably because her Nana was dying and she wanted to reach out . His mother said she would respond to my daughter this time but not to expect further communication . Jeff seemed pretty shaky the rest of the day . The whole affair twisted my stomach in a way it hasn 't moved since we were trying to have a relationship with them before . Ah , the timing of family angst . I think it could be better , I 'm just saying . Diabetes sounded great when it was placed next to the possibility of a brain tumor . After the tumor risk was gone , then the diabetes stopped seeming like such a good option . So I was quite relieved when Jeff 's doctor called to say he did not have it . Next stop , eye doctor . Hospice came today to meet with Mom . She seemed pretty excited when she discovered that she never has to go to another doctor 's appointment . They come to her , as does a nurse , and a social worker . Her medications are also delivered to her door . Although , she said the new one they put her on is making her woozy . Hopefully , we won 't have an issue with Dad sneaking out tonight . That seems like such an odd sentence to write about my father . Mom said she didn 't think anyone needed to stay there to watch Dad for her . Here 's to hoping she is right . Feb 1st is fast approaching when he will move into the lantern and we won 't have to worry about stuff like that anymore . There is this teeny place in my mind that fantasizes that if Mom isn 't having to do constant care she will get better . I realize that teeny place is in the state called Denial but sometimes I like to visit there . I 'm not so sure it wouldn 't be a nice place to live . At six this morning , I let the dog out the back door , only to hear the immediate shrieking of my own burglar alarm . You might think this lapse on my part was due to some complicated change but no , I just forgot it was on . Then with the sirens blaring , I could not remember the code . So I had to race to the back , cats and dog scattering out of my way with the cringe - worthy sound of claws on wood floors , my housecoat flying out behind me like a cape , to where I ( thank God ) have the code written down . Then when the alarm company called she asked , " Do you know why the alarm went off , Mrs . Wahler ? " I considered various lies like blaming it on the children or my husband because they would never know but somehow honesty persevered and I said , " Yes , I opened the door . " She was silent because what could she do other than call me some bad name and slam the phone down because she got woken at six a . m . But that probably wouldn 't be too good for her job . So after that , I fought with the children in getting them ready , and was thirty min late getting them to school . Then I had a crying jag during which time I called one of my good friends who generously offered to meet this crazy woman for breakfast . She also then came over , helped me take down my Christmas tree and generally became in one day , a shining light to this struggling soul . It is amazing how much the little things help . Mom and Dad came to my nephew 's basketball game tonight . She has eaten some today but still wasn 't very hungry . I tried to buy her some popcorn from concessions because she thought it smelled good but she didn 't want any . Hospice called and changed the time of the meeting to a time when I can not be there because I am teaching my drama class . I was immediately furious and said to my mother , " Why would you do that ? " and then felt horrible for talking that way when she already doesn 't feel good . I felt like I apologized for much of the rest of the game . She called me later to say my sister plans to change it because she couldn 't be there either . Hopefully , my sister handled it better than I . After the game , Mom and Dad brought their Christmas stuff back over here to store since they don 't have much storage in their apartment . While here , I took out the garbage and Dad wanted to come with me . That made a not so fun task in the rain much harder . His steps were shuffling on the dark driveway so I thought he might feel more secure if he held on to a handle on one side of the garbage can . So I placed his hand there , not knowing that he was going to bear down the whole rest of the way down the drive . Luckily , we didn 't have much garbage this week or I don 't think I could have handled the weight . I was really glad to get to the end of the driveway though . By that time , my arm muscles were aching and the handles of the garbage can were at about my knee level . So Dad and I were both walking stooped . I helped him get his seatbelt on when he and Mom left . Every once in a while he can get it but most of the time , he isn 't sure how to use the buckle . Mom said last night he had some lucid moments and she talked to him about the move to the Alzheimer 's facility . She said he was very understanding and agreed it was probably the best move . I am so glad . Because even though he won 't remember , on rough days , Mom will know he was in agreement with the move . I am grateful for this blessing for her and me too . I wish I could have heard him say it . Jeff does not have a brain tumor . Woo Hoo ! They called him at about 3 : 00 today and told him the scan is completely clear . Not that we can celebrate together since he is working in Knoxville , which turns out to be not so bad since he is going tomorrow morning to get checked for diabetes . If the diabetes test is clear , he will have his eyes checked . God has given me incredible strength through all this . At the end of last week , I thought I had run out and maybe I had , but if so God lent me some of his . Today , I knew whatever the news I could handle it . I am more than happy to handle this news . I need the energy for my parents . Hospice is coming on Wed to interview Mom . My sister said that patients who use hospice live an average of three months longer . However , whenever it is , I 'm not ready to lose my Mom . I talked to a man the other day who had a mother with Alzheimer 's and a father with cancer . Oddly , some part of me felt offended . How dare someone else ( besides my sisters ) have it as bad as me ? Not that I said that , of course , but it surprised me that the thought was even there . I guess I thought I had the market cornered on rough things until life knocked and reminded me that I 'm not all that . Don 't get me wrong . I still think things are tough and would love to see my parents healed but if it doesn 't happen , there are still a lot worse cases out there . How blessed I am was brought home to me again today . Somehow , I had misplaced the gas bill in December . I didn 't even realize I hadn 't paid it . Today , I got a notice that said they were going to disconnect if they did not get paid . This may be the first disconnect notice I have ever seen that was not one of my patient 's . I was able to call and pay the bill by phone with much apologies and no repercussions . I bet there is someone out there who got the same type notice with no idea how he or she is going to pay it . I can 't imagine the anxiety related to facing winter without heat . So in my warm house tonight , I thank God for a husband that is brain tumor free , is willing to work hard , and who will come home to me . I also am grateful for these months I have with my mother , no matter how few they may be . She loves us all so and does whatever she can to show it . My children humble me with their faith and love through all they are facing . I want to have their assurance that things will always come out right . God has also allowed me to be surrounded by such a spirit filled group of friends to lift me up in prayer and give me support whenever I need it . Thank you to all . Mom 's pain level continues to rise . She is taking pain meds almost constantly now . My middle sister plans to call Hospice tomorrow . They are the experts in pain control and most of all we don 't want Mom to suffer . Last night around 10 : 30 my phone rang and she asked me to come spend the night to watch Daddy . He 'd already gotten out of the apartment once and ended up across the hall . After I got there , she took a stronger pain pill and slept through the night . Fortunately , Daddy did as well . I kept waking up thinking I heard something but he stayed in the room all night . Got up in time to make it home to get ready for church . The sky as I drove home glowed with a pink light from the sunrise , beautiful . We went to Mom and Dad 's Baptist church today . I 'm not sure I can be Baptist again . There seems to be such a sin focus . The weight of Christianity seems heavy after I hear sin sermons when Jesus promised his yoke would be light . I realize I 'm not perfect ( or even close ) but it seems like it might be more fruitful to talk about how my imperfect self can be useful to the Kingdom ministry . Daddy remembered some of the hymns today . It was bittersweet to hear his deep voice singing out the words in such a familiar way when nothing else about him seems familiar . I stood next to him singing with tears running down my face . Will he still have these moments of lucidity after he moves to The Lantern in a couple of weeks ? I heard him ask Mom after the service who Jeff and I were . This afternoon , my throat is hurting and my head aches . I 'm praying for strength from God because mine seems to be flagging . It has been a rough couple of days . The doctor never called on Friday so we have no confirmation that Jeff is tumor - free . However , we do take comfort in the fact that doctors rarely delay on bad news . The drive with Mom and Dad yesterday was not only tiring due to being in the car for five hours . It was also difficult to hear Daddy occasionally telling Mom how much he missed her when he couldn 't touch her and to please not ever leave him . Alzheimer 's has reduced my once ( probably overly ) proud father to such neediness . These words were especially difficult to hear in light of the plan to move him to the Alzheimer 's facility at the beginning of February . Silent tears slid down Mom 's cheeks every time Dad did this . Mom is also getting worse . She is taking pain pills every day now and felt too tired to pick up her anti - nausea medication tonight . I am so glad to be able to do these things for her but it scares me that it is needed . I 'm not ready for her to be gone . She told me in the car last night that she didn 't expect to be around for the summer . I swallowed hard and nodded . What do you say to that ? I always hated when TV stations took time away from one of my programs to show me what they felt I wanted to see . They were usually wrong because I didn 't give one flip about the President 's speeches . Isn 't that what life is like though ? No matter what event you are focused on , the rest of life continues around you . Two things happened this week while I was focused on another . My oldest sister took Mom to a healing service at a local church last night while Jeff and I were traveling to Knoxville . Mom said they anointed her head with oil and two women prayed over her . She realized through the process that she had never asked God to heal her . She said she felt that might be presumptive . I told her I thought her healing would be a great testament to God ( can I get an Amen ) . I know my faith has been shaken by seeing her and Daddy struggling , knowing they have dedicated their whole lives to spreading the Word and serving God . Mom says God doesn 't keep us from troubles but it seems to me that occasionally he would look down and say , " Now , that just isn 't right , " and fix it . Maybe he will . Mom did finally pray for that healing . If she gets it , maybe we can take Dad there too . The MRI process itself went well , the beginning not so much . First , I didn 't sleep most of the night after having a horrible nightmare in which Jeff buried himself in the ground and Kelsey followed suit and I couldn 't find either of them . No problem figuring out the symbolism on that one , huh ? Anyhow , we had a hard time finding where we needed to be for the MRI and then once we thought we were there , the office itself sat empty and darkened . This did all get straightened out and , as a bonus , I was able to pound out most of a draft for an article I 'm writing while I waited . The doctor didn 't call today which may be a good sign since the experience I have indicates that if it is bad news , the doctor always calls right away . Jeff says he figures if we can get through tomorrow without an urgent phone call , we are probably in the clear . Here 's to hoping he is right or that we get a call saying , " We may not know what the problem is but we 're sure it 's not a brain tumor . " Tomorrow , Jeff and I are driving my Mom and Dad three hours away to meet with Daddy 's siblings . I 'm planning to take the video camera . This could be a good time to get some footage that may never be available again . Make no mistake about it though , Jeff will be bringing his phone . So the much abused nephew sent me a friend request on facebook tonight . I 'd like to say I felt no guilt from it but that would be a major whopper . So , in lieu of a direct apology I 'd like to take a moment to sing his praises . Ahem He truly is a great guy to even care if my feelings were hurt . I even gave him the option to unfriend with no hard feelings and he was quite gracious about it all . Let me just add that not only is he gracious , kind , handsome , and caring but I think perhaps when God created him , He had in mind a perfect Marine and as God is perfect , achieved his goal with no errors . We are here in Knoxville waiting for that early morning alarm . I don 't know when we will find out the results but when I know something I 'll let you know . Mom and one of my sisters are going to the Lantern tomorrow to figure out what kind of furniture Dad will need . Intellectually , we are all together that he needs to go . Emotionally , we are also all together that it is tearing at our hearts . My other sister took Mom to a healing service tonight . I 'll be interested to see how that went . Details to follow . Today , they come to interview Daddy for placement and Jeff and I head to Knoxville for his MRI tomorrow morning . I really thought I was handling all this so well . Until last night when I went on facebook to post a writing link for my nephew and discovered he had unfriended me . The degree of hurt and anger I felt was waaaay disproportionate to the act . I sat there in stunned silence , then turned to Jeff and announced it to him . Sure , my nephew is 17 , sure , he never even friended his mom in the first place , but I 'm supposed to be the cool aunt . Immediately , I fired off a msg to him to let him know that I now knew about this betrayal . Then because I like to compound my mistakes , I went to his little sister 's page and posted that now she was my favorite from that family . An act that I justified to myself as a joke . Next , I sat and deliberated on all the things I could text and heavily guilt him with including the potential of my husband having a brain tumor and Mom 's illness . At least , I can say I didn 't make that call but I still stewed on it as I went to sleep . This morning , I realize the facebook thing is less the problem than my feeling of loss and disconnect from so many things in my life . This little action represented something I could protest , go after , and potentially change . Because I remain so powerless about everything else . I am so angry my Mom is dying , furious that my Dad doesn 't even know my name , and haven 't even begun to deal with the possibility that Jeff 's brain tumor might have returned . I realize we don 't know about that last one but it doesn 't look good . The survival rate drops from 62 % to 52 % between ten and twenty years survival for a chordoma . He is in year 14 . This is not a fact , I 've shared with Jeff . Does that mean this is what we are dealing with ? No , but it does mean there is a good possibility we have another fight in front of us . Yesterday , I said to Jeff about his double vision , " I 'm sure this will turn out to be fine . " He replied , " That 's what we thought about your mother . " The response made my stomach twist into a knot that won 't fully release until we know he is not growing potential death in his head . The people from The Lantern ( The Alzheimer 's place ) are coming to interview Daddy on Wed . I can 't imagine how that interview is going to go since Daddy can 't really answer any questions . So I am guessing it is more of an assessment . Halleleujah , they don 't do the one week restriction so we can go see him or pick him up anytime . Mom sounded very upbeat when I talked to her and said that they told her often clients of theirs even improve once they are in their care . I know Mom won 't be pleased in the end though . Because no one will take care of Dad the way she does . After all , taking care of each other is what we are all about . I think she knows the right choice but is soliciting the opinion of everyone around her to make sure no one disagrees . Jeff 's MRI is scheduled for Thursday morning at 6 : 45 in Knoxville . Which means spending the night in Knoxville . So either my wonderful volunteering sister has to come spend the night or I have to send him to go on his own . On his own will be fine if the news is good . But he said last time , when there was a tumor , the doctor called him right as he walked in the door . I don 't want him driving home by himself if he gets that kind of news . To complicate matters , the school is having an informational coffee for rising 4th and 5th graders at 8 : 15 on that Thursday morning , my daughter 's class , so I will have to miss that if I go . I haven 't yet figured out how to be in two places at once but I am sure a scientist somewhere is working on that . God help us when that gets figured out . Today someone from Thompson 's Cancer Center is going to call us to schedule Jeff 's MRI . I think it is more than ironic that while we wait to find out if he has a brain tumor that will alter my children 's lives significantly ( to put it mildly ) . We are in process of trying to decide what to do about my own father . Yesterday , my family came over for a spaghetti lunch , Jeff 's special homemade recipe , to celebrate my son 's 6th birthday . Mom looked so tired and Dad , while there in body , wore a perpetually confused look . Yet , they were both in the pictures so I can show my son years down the road his Nana and Grandpa at his sixth birthday party . It may be that neither of them are present for his 7th . It would be beyond unfair if his father weren 't either . Last night my dreams were full of trips in which Jeff and I received the results of his MRI . Clearly , my mind is either in denial or on the positive route since in all of them there was no tumor . Although last night I looked up causes of problems to the 6th cranial nerve ( what the doctor says is causing his double vision ) and brain tumor was listed close to the top , right after stroke and something else disturbing that I can 't remember right now . Jeff 's blood pressure is good so I don 't think that 's the problem . The one positive I got out of the article is that it said sometimes a cause is never found and it can be corrected with spectacles . I gotta say , I 'd be all right with ignorance especially if it could be fixed . So we are holding our breath , crossing our fingers , but mostly praying that the MRI will come soon and put us out of this time of uncertainty . The Lantern , an Alzheimer 's full time care facility , called today and said they have a spot for Dad . Whether or not we ought to put him in a placement ought to be a no brainer . Mom is getting weaker and the Alzheimer 's is making his care increasingly difficult . I love my mother so . It is certainly in her best interest to have someone else take care of him and free her to sleep when she needs sleep or , if she feels like it , enjoy some of her last days here on earth . It probably is a no brainer except that knowing what I know of the disease , he will decompensate . The move itself will send him further down the tunnel of isolation and who knows if he will be able to crawl back out and stabilize again ? Mom will have to watch this , knowing that , even if he doesn 't know her , this is still the man she married 52 years ago . It will be better for him to have her around for the transition but probably harder for her then just leaving it for us to deal with after she is gone . Each of us have already considered the ramifications of moving him in with us . Since we all have children and could not give that dedicated care , he just wouldn 't get it with any of us . Mom is the only one who has the time but unless God intervenes , we will be lucky to have her for four more months . There will probably be hospitalizations before she dies and we would have to scramble for care for Daddy . She wants us to advise her . I guess I have to advise for the full time care . But then I picture my proud , independent Dad , still too proud to admit when he needs help , not being able to find a bathroom and staff not noticing . They won 't love him like we love him because they don 't really know who he is . They don 't know that when he worked his first job , he used part of the money to buy his sister a bike . They don 't know that he always took out the older widows at Valentine 's Day every year or that he cleaned out latrines on a Honduras mission trip . They won 't know that he used to come home from work every day , kiss my mother and then run through the house and hide so that my sister and I could clutch each other searching for him until he would jump out making us scream in delighted terror , or about the wheelbarrow rides , or so many things he doesn 't even remember himself . I guess I 'll have to tell them . Jeff , my husband , had a brain tumor 14 years ago . He fought through it and managed to be one of the lucky ones . He has some side effects from the surgery and radiation but overall does well . Until last week , right before the big snow , when he tells me he has double vision in one of his eyes . Double vision happened to be his primary symptom 14 years ago . So now , we wait until the MRI can be scheduled to find out whether " sluggo " as he named his tumor is back . If so , we have a long hard fight ahead , coupled with Mom 's cancer , tripled by Dad 's Alzheimer 's . I asked a friend of mine , I 'm trying to stay positive and not think the worst but I find myself watching Jeff holding my daughter on his lap or tickling our son to the floor and thinking how they 'd never get over missing him . Then he looks across at me and smiles and I know I never would either . Here 's hoping we don 't have to . Mom missed her doctor 's appointment on Monday due to the eight inches of snow we received in East Tennessee . She said she isn 't even sure why we are going to the doctor since she isn 't doing chemo anymore . I reminded her we might need to do some symptom control and then in my mind willed myself and her not to think about what that might mean . She and Dad have been walking the halls at their retirement center . He continues to be restless a lot of the time and the caregivers ( or daughters ) haven 't been able to get there to help her . She did say one of their previous pastors , Larry Williams ( a saint ) came by yesterday so some Chattanoogians are getting out . Is it wrong that I find myself enjoying this forced reprieve from life outside my own little cosmo ? As I put in that title , my inner critic immediately suggested that most likely thousands of blogs start with the same title but perhaps if you choose to follow or read on , you will find this to be different than those other blogs . I will say this has been a miraculous if trying time . The God who inspired those first words is also the God that brought me back to Ooltewah , Tn . My father , lifelong Baptist , has been diagnosed with Alzheimers for nine years . My mother , his primary caretaker , received a terminal diagnosis with pancreatic cancer nine months ago . She has the major tumor in her pancreas but also has smaller tumors on her lungs . The doctor gave her six months to a year to live . The cancer held off for the first nine months , long enough for me to think maybe we were given a reprieve . It has now begun spreading again with more tumors in her lungs and she is stopping chemo . It is up to God now to heal her or we have to let her go . While I am a three time " honorable mention " from the Writers of the Future contest that apparently translates to not much in terms of magazine publishing . Still , I am stubborn and will persevere . Before she died , my mom told me that the odds are good for anyone who finishes a novel to get published . I 'm hanging onto that Mom , so here I go . |
Biographical / Historical Note Boris Deutsch ( 1892 or 5 - 1978 ) was a painter in Los Angeles , California . Provenance Conducted as part of the Archives of American Art 's New Deal and the Arts project , which includes over 400 interviews of artists , administrators , historians , and others involved with the federal government 's art programs and the activities of the Farm Security Administration in the 1930s and early 1940s . Transcript Preface BETTY HOAG : Mr . Deutsch , I 'm so happy to have an interview with you because you were so active during the Project period . You were a very fine artist then and have been ever since then . Thank you for letting me come . Before we start talking about the Project , which is what the Archives wants me to ask you about . At this time I 'd like to know a little about your own life . All I know is that you were born on June 4 , 1892 in Krasnagorka , Lithuania and that you came to the United States shortly after World War I by way of the Orient . I 'd love to know how it all happened . BORIS DEUTSCH : The village was in Lithuania . I think there might have been perhaps about fifty or seventy - five people in the village . I began to draw when I was a baby practically . Mother would always encourage me and thought whatever I did was just wonderful . When I made a few drawings she would gather them ; and then on a holiday she would take me by the hand , and take all the drawings , and go from house to house practically to show off her child 's work . I think that , in itself , instilled a most remarkable reliance or feeling in myself that I was doing the right thing . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , and especially mother . She instilled in me a great faith in what I was doing . That particular direction of painting continued throughout my whole life . There was no deviation . ( Mr . Deutsch means " motivation " ) BORIS DEUTSCH : They were scholars . None that I know of were artists or anything of that sort . But they were scholars and they were a very learned family . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . And then we had to move to Rega from the village . Rega on the Baltic Sea . It was quite a modern city , one of the fine cities in Russia under the Russian regime at that time . In Rega several different languages were spoken like German and Russian and Lithuanian and Lappish and Scandinavian . It was a cosmopolitan city and there was a Polytechnical and an art school and a theatre . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . When we moved from the village I enrolled in the art school when I must have been about ten years old . In the meantime I was always drawing , always with my pencil and always had a pad , always making sketches . I stayed in that class for not more than six months because I had great difficulties . I was not very much liked . BORIS DEUTSCH : I wouldn 't conform ! My first painting was done on a piece of canvas . ( It was really not canvas but a sack with two holes : I didn 't have enough money to buy canvas ) And I was rewarded for that painting by being transferred to the next class . That 's the way they did ; they didn 't have regular ways and means to deal with art students because there weren 't very many of them there . The polytechnical ones studied some other things . In the meantime I had my education and then I went to work which I decided to do after I had received this so called award because my teacher was incensed that one of my drawings was not the way he wanted me to draw . He tore off the piece of paper from the easel and threw it in the waste basket and that . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . And he spoke part German , part Russian , trying to impress us ; and I was very much impressed , being so young . I decided to go . " I , too , will go to Germany , but I am not going to study tailoring . I am going to study painting . " Finally mother decided to let me go . I was about 17 at that time . I landed in Berlin . I didn 't have very much money . BORIS DEUTSCH : I did not know German . I knew a little bit and I had an address that was given to me . See , by that time we lived already in Rega and when mother was ill once , a doctor who came over saw my drawings and paintings on the walls . Mother told him that I was doing this work so he gave me an address to a very famous artist in Berlin . At least mother felt that I had someone to go to . When I got to Berlin I didn 't know where to go and so I roamed through the streets for about two or three hours until I saw " rooms for rent , " so I entered , I had to pay a few dollars rent , but not very much . I knew how to draw lettering and designing so that it was very easy afterwards for me to get a job in Berlin . But that first afternoon I stayed in my room , and in the evening a lot of boys came over . There must have been about eight or nine boys . Mother had given me a beautiful watch and I had it displayed . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yeah . He lived in one of the swankiest places in Berlin , but I was very shy and I turned back from his door three times . Finally I made up my mind I was going to knock on the door . I knocked and when he answered I presented by letter to him . He said , " I told him ! I wrote in the Russian papers not to send me those phony geniuses ! " Where did you work ? Where did you work ? I looked at the studio where he was working and he was painting one of those ladies of royalty . BORIS DEUTSCH : He was doing a portrait of some young woman who was of the royal family , and I didn 't like it . I looked around and looked around . On the walls there were a lot of paintings and there wasn 't a thing that I liked . He said , " You go back , go home and bring me something to look at . " BORIS DEUTSCH : Yeah . I didn 't know what to do . I didn 't have any material , so I bought some charcoal and paper . Then I stopped at a shop window I saw a plaster of Paris casting business where they cast all kinds of heads and things . So I went in and asked if they would permit me to draw from the cast , which they did . The following day when I brought the picture to show him the drawing , he said , " Is your father a millionaire ? " I said , " No , I am not a millionaire . " He said , " You go home ; you have no business to be an artist . " BORIS DEUTSCH : I don 't know . I didn 't like the place . I said to myself " Who the devil does he think he is ? " BORIS DEUTSCH : I didn 't like his work . And I had gone to the museum there a few times already . They had three museums , which had very fine Rembrandt paintings . They had three rooms of Rembrandts . You can imagine me seeing Rembrandt and then coming to his studio and looking at the phoney things that he had ! BORIS DEUTSCH : I already knew his taste and what he was . He was never a great painter I found out later . He did some etchings which didn 't amount to much . His work was cut and dry and uninteresting and unimaginative . They were mostly society portraits , half - baked things . Then I enrolled in a night class and there I worked for about six months . Oh , by the way , I found myself a job doing ornamental work : I did some drawings of Rococo , Baroque , Renaissance art . They made drawings for the different churches and I had to make those designs which I enjoyed very much . I showed my drawings to a shop where they painted signs . In Europe they used to paint signs with a great number of drawings and figures and all sorts of things . Not geometric , more artistic . And they used to send their work even to South America . I stayed with them for some time . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , no , just perhaps four months ; but to me it was a long time . When I made a little money I went to school ; when I didn 't have any money I would go back to work . I would go everyday to the museum . I was very much impressed with Rembrandt 's paintings . I really loved them . You see , I grew up like a weed ; I relied upon my own taste . That was instilled in me from babyhood . I knew what I wanted and I never deviated . I recall I often stood in front of that famous painting " The Man with the Golden Helmet . " We have seen it here in Los Angeles . ( It was shown here oh , it must have been about 15 or 18 years ago ) And the guard had an idea that he should watch me . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , I thought to myself , " If I had that painting , it would change my life . But how could I have it ? It 's impossible ! " The guard one day came up to me and said " You like that painting don 't you ? " I said , " I like it very much . " He said , " Keep on liking , " and he wouldn 't move . Of course it was just a fantasy : I couldn 't possibly own that painting . I had no way of taking it . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . And I continued painting and going to school . Finally my mother wanted me to come home and I left Germany after being there two and one half years . To me those years were the highlight of my youth . I enjoyed every bit of every day of it . They had wonderful shows and museums and theaters and operas . Heifetz gave a concert for the first time when I was there . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , I couldn 't be . It was too expensive for me to go . and Caruso , I couldn 't go to see either , but I enjoyed myself very much , I had very few friends , very few except for students in the class . For the first time they showed the art of Matisse Van Gogh , Gauguan . . . that whole group in Berlin , Germany . . . the modern French paintings . And I did not like them . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yeah , I saw them for the first time . I did not like them , I liked some of them . I remember I argued with one of my friends a great deal about them , and I said , " I am too much under the influence of Rembrandt at the present time . I 'll give myself time . " BORIS DEUTSCH : Yeah , I saw those . Mainly I was impressed , as a general show , with the French painters ; but I was still under the influence of Rembrandt . Also , I liked very much the early Primitives at that time . They had the German Primitives . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . My father and mother . Now , I was drafted into the Army and I was sent to Kiev . Kiev was the capital of the Ukraine in Russia . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yeah . I resented being a soldier . I had nothing to fight for . My life was interrupted . I had plans to do some work and my life was interrupted , but it was something I had to do . I made a very bad soldier , by the way . They discovered that I could paint and draw , so they gave me a special place where I could do artistic work . I did all kinds of things , but I didn 't know anything about being a soldier . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , for the officers . Many of the officers lived in Russia , but were really Germans . They went to school and they became officers later on . One was my friend . We had a wonderful time together because he was a fine young man . He would come to the studio and we would talk about all kinds of things . I had it quite easy . But my sergeant was rather a tough guy , and he decided he was going to send me out on some kind of post to guard an ammunition dump during the night . They made me walk with the whole gang of people ; I don 't know how many soldiers were walking . ( I don 't even know the terminology of soldiering ) BORIS DEUTSCH : We must have walked about twenty miles until we got to the dump . Finally my hour came up about one or two A . M . , when I had to go out and walk around the ammunition dump . I had my rifle by the way , and it was a dark night , very dark , and my mind wasn 't around there . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : Then while I was going around this ammunition post I heard something ; there were some noises somewhere in among the trees , among the leaves . It happened to be on a mountain and there were a lot of trees and shrubbery and all kinds of things ; and in the dark I couldn 't see anything . I saw just the building which I walked around continuously for two hours . All of a sudden I heard a noise , and I called , " Stop ! " and no one did . " Stop ! " and it continued . And I took the rifle and shot in the dark . I didn 't know whom I shot there , but it stopped . I had to do my duty . So the following morning when we came back to the barracks ( it was the summer outside of Kiev ) , the officer came in and called my name to congratulate me on this heroic deed that I had done . BORIS DEUTSCH : " What did I do ? " " You killed a cow . " I was heartbroken that I had to kill a living thing . Of course I think the fear in me was part of it . BORIS DEUTSCH : I don 't ' know whether I killed her entirely or whether I wounded her , or whatever it was , but it was a cow . That was my experience in the Army . A very short time later I read in the paper there was going to be activity . We had no papers there in the Army because we were out of town in the barracks , but mother came to see me one day and she brought some newspapers . Also , for some unknown reason , she brought my civilian clothes . We had some friends in the city Kiev . She was very pleased with me : I looked well , and I felt well , and I had no plans because my Army tour was for three years . We both talked about war . Sure enough , one morning we had a command to get up early in the morning . We were given new clothes and ammunition . We were going to be sent to the Caucasos ( sp ) Mountains . They didn 't tell us but I found it out later . The war had already started that afternoon or the day before . I was working in my little studio and I had to make a decision . I knew that I could not kill anything , let alone a human being . Either I kill someone or someone is going to kill me , so why go there in the first place ? Then I made up my mind that I was going to go out of the barracks and never come back . I put on my clothes , my Sunday clothes , the best clothes for a soldier to wear to go out to the city . I went into the barracks office . I had a previous note to go to the city and come back . I don 't know what you call it . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , but I hadn 't used it before . There was no one in the office , but I sat down at the table and made myself out a new blank ; I copied the signature of the officer , saying I had gone to town for two hours for materials and then would come right back . I had to figure it out and time was going so fast ! All the time decisions ! It took perhaps a half an hour to get dressed and to go to the office and make the permit and forge his name , then I went straight to the barracks . And a soldier ( guard ) stopped me and said , " Where are you going ? " I said , " I 'm going downtown . I 'll be back in two hours . " " Where is your permission slip ? " And he didn 't know how to read . He turned it around ( upside down ) . He didn 't know how to read ! I was out and never came back . BORIS DEUTSCH : I had to go downtown . I was afraid to take the bus . I was afraid of the streetcar . The town must be been about two miles away and I had been crawling practically all the distance on my hands and knees through a wheat field . Of course , don 't forget , I was young and sturdy and willing to be alive , and the will to live and stay alive is a great thing . BORIS DEUTSCH : And mother did . But before she did , something else happened . When I came there to Vilna I didn 't know where to go . I had no way of getting to my mother . I didn 't have enough money . There was just enough money for the ticket and for a couple of days and I was awfully hungry . I had been riding the whole night and in Vilna I saw someone serving some coffee in a cellar , and I thought that was the best place to go in . In Russia everyone could recognize soldiers because , especially in the summer , we used to have very short hair and we were sunburned , you see ; and I was a typical soldier in civilian clothes . I went down there and ordered some coffee , and I saw a young girl of my age and I started talking to her . She saw that I was awfully ( very ) nervous and finally I told her point blank : " I just deserted the Army , " and I asked her to send a telegram to my mother , and she did . BORIS DEUTSCH : And she hid me in some friends ' house and then I was afraid that they might become involved because war was already on . That was the first World War . The entire battalion was killed in the Caucasus ( sp ) Mountains , my battalion . Not a single human being was left in a very short time , in a few days . Most of them were frozen to death , and Germans took care of the rest of them . By that time I was already back in Rega where we lived , and mother was hiding me in cellars where I used to fight rats during the night . BORIS DEUTSCH : I couldn 't sleep , you know . I was afraid of them too . She used to change me to different places . Finally mother decided we 'd go back to Krasnagorka ( sp ) where I was born and try to get me a passport . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . She went there and had discovered that we had in one of the families a young man who had died early ( he must have been around 20 ) and his death had not been declared . With a few dollars she got a passport in his name . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : That I could use . And she came back to Rega from the village Krasnagorka ( sp ) and I had that passport . I lived in Rega during the War for almost a year . Finally mother decided we had to get out . I still could use the passport , and she decided I should go to Harbin . BORIS DEUTSCH : Harbin is in China . The Russians had a concession in Harbin . It belonged to China and the concession was for about ninety years . And in Russia they had Russian and Chinese police . She discovered that one of our families had moved out twenty years before , so she gave me their address and I landed there . BORIS DEUTSCH : While going on the train . So I got off at a small station and waited for another . By the way , going through Siberia they had only one track for just one train . So if you went one way , you had to wait for another to go back . It took practically two weeks to get there . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , it was the same train going and coming . And the train was slow , and on the train everybody knows you . In a few days practically everybody knows you . They know your habits , they want to know who you are , and what your are . So I met a young man on the train and finally ( he didn 't tell me ) I knew that he was in my boat . He was running away too . BORIS DEUTSCH : He got off with me , and not only that ; we had to cross the border from Russia into Harbin and the police were there to examine your passport . And he must have had great deal of money because he had a whole gang already waiting for him there , and police too . They accepted him and he said , " Oh , this is my friend . " BORIS DEUTSCH : The accepted me too . It was all paid , you know . He took me across . Then he said , " I 'm going to Liaoyuan and then into Japan . " We came to Liaoyuan , China , then we were practically free you know . We had left Russia behind already . We had left the Army and Russia behind , and we are now in Liaoyuan in China . BORIS DEUTSCH : On our way to Japan . We hadn 't stayed very long in Liaoyuan when he said , " You will go with me to Tiuehlin . " Tiuehling was Japanese and he said , " I have friends there and you will go with me to America . " BORIS DEUTSCH : Yeah . He was my age , and I was afraid to tell him who I was too , you see . We were still afraid of each other . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . And so I said " Well I don 't have enough money . I have to write my mother to send me some money . " Well , he said that he could not wait too long . By the way , Tiuehling was conquered by Japan during the Russian - Japanese War . Once it belonged to Russia . It was a modern little city , beautiful and nice and clean ; and it was remarkable to see a clean place . They didn 't have any in Russia . It was partly primitive , compared to the big cities it was primitive . The only places that had some inkling of modern civilization were the big cities like Moscow , Petrograd , Rega , Odessa , and so forth and so on . Otherwise it was very primitive . BORIS DEUTSCH : He waited for four weeks and he couldn 't wait any longer . He had to go , so I lost him . While I was there , out of the clear sky , a cousin of mine came . BORIS DEUTSCH : Both stranded , both of us . Ha ha ha I said , " Well , the only place to go now is Shanghai . " We had a few dollars left . Shanghai is a big city . English people live there . BORIS DEUTSCH : Well , I had to do it . In Shanghai I met an Englishman who had a painting that had to be repaired and I repaired it in a couple of weeks , by then I had practically enough money to come to America . In the meantime I sent my cousin to America with the extra few dollars I had earned . I had found out that my brother who left Russia after I had , had gone to America . It was easy for him to get away because he was younger than I am and he had come to America and had enlisted in the America Army and been to Pearl Harbor . BORIS DEUTSCH : Only Pearl Harbor in the Army . It cost me forty dollars , that telegram , and I had no answer . I waited for an answer and no answer came for about three or four weeks . Then he wrote me that he didn 't have enough money to advance me . Most likely he had spent it playing cards or something like that ! BORIS DEUTSCH : I did a little more work , artistic work , here and there , and oh yes , when my cousin arrived in America he sent me back the money I had loaned him all right . I had just about enough to come to this country . It was on a Japanese boat and we had a strike on the boat . There were about forty immigrants by that time , and among us I was the only artist . We had a doctor , a couple of lawyers , we had business people , there were many young students , and those who have escaped during ( mind you this is already two years after the war ) during the war which was already two years past . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . When I came to America the war was already two years over . But here I must go back and tell what happened before I arrived in Japan . I must go back to Shanghai for a little while : I was arrested in Shanghai by the English police . The reason why I was arrested no one knew . There had been no complaints about me . My cousin was gone and I was left there alone . There was a morphine smoker next door who had a quarrel with the landlady , and for spite he called the police and told them that she was harboring a Russian deserter . BORIS DEUTSCH : So the English policemen took me to the Russian Consulate . I pretended that I didn 't speak any Russian and that I knew no other language except German . The officer knew it could not be true because he was of German decent . BORIS DEUTSCH : And he was talking German . Two Englishmen were standing on both sides of me and they didn 't know what we were talking about . I told him all about it ; I was not afraid to tell him about it . That I had deserted the Army . There was no reason for me to fight the Germans . I had studied in Germany . I had a lot of friends in Germany . I have never killed anyone , not even a mosquito practically . And I said that I had nothing to fight for . Mind you , I was speaking to the Russian consulate ! Don 't forget he was the Russian consulate ! He said , " Herr Deutsch , now you go to this place at the harbor this evening and you 'll see a boat ; and you go out there and tell them who you are , and they will take you on the boat three miles away , and you 'll get to Japan . Now , do it tonight because tomorrow I may have to arrest you . BORIS DEUTSCH : Otherwise he would have to send me back to Vladivastok where I would have been court - marshalled and shot . They wouldn 't have done anything else ! I did exactly what he told me and I landed in Hiroshima . . . where later I painted the atomic painting ! BORIS DEUTSCH : Yeah . I stayed there over night . To me it was a new world entirely . Everything was just so beautiful . Those people were . . . I loved those people . They were friendly : if I couldn 't speak one language they found someone who spoke another language ( to translate ) . Things of that sort . I stayed in Kobe during a Sunday . I was in Yokohama and Yanasaki and Kobe . I stayed in Japan a short time , then I got on one of those Japanese boats going to America . I think it must have taken us almost ten days to get here . BORIS DEUTSCH : When we landed in Seattle two men came up to us and told us to follow them , and they took us straight into a Seattle prison . I only had one dollar left , and somebody had to be responsible for immigrants so they wouldn 't become a burden to the state , you know . Then , for the first time in my life , I had such a wonderful breakfast ! BORIS DEUTSCH : I stayed there long enough to have my parents come there . And in the meantime I was painting . I started to paint in my spare time and there was one artist ( he had a lot of students ) who was a wonderful , wonderful artist and a wonderful human being . His name was Taddema . Not the very famous Taddema we know throughout art history but he was related to that family . BORIS DEUTSCH : In his own home . And , I kept on painting at that time . I kept on painting and working . And in the meantime I . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : And my parents came over . Mother became very ill and the doctor told me to take her to California . She had some lung trouble . I had a wonderful job in Seattle in 1917 - 18 ; I was making about 100 dollars per week . BORIS DEUTSCH : In those days , yes . I gave up my work and we moved to Los Angeles . We came to Los Angeles , I think in 1920 or so . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , we did not . No , we just landed in Los Angeles . It was one of those things ; again I must say that with reliance upon yourself , everything will work out just fine , just try it , it will work out all right . This , if you have that particular faith in yourself it helps a lot , believe me . BETTY HOAG : Meantime we 'll jump you forward rather fast to the Projects period , because that 's what the Archives are interested in especially . During the period in between you still continued to paint . You worked for Paramount Pictures for a while with Mr . Schulberg . . BORIS DEUTSCH : At Paramount . And I made a one - reeler . I directed it , made the sets myself and Riva was in it . The whole thing cost me about seventy - five to one hundred dollars . And Schulberg couldn 't see ( appreciate ) what I did because it was way above him . He felt that . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . I did , and I admired McDonald - Wright very much . He suggested I should come and work there without pay , but I felt I should not accept it because it was the wrong thing to do . I just painted by myself most of the time . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , I was doing a little commercial work . Not very much though . I painted mostly . I would work for a while and save up some money and paint . Then when my money ran out I would go to work again . That 's the way I kept up my work . BORIS DEUTSCH : No . There was nothing of that sort . Finally I joined the group with McDonald - Wright which organized the first show , the first modern exhibition ever held in Los Angeles , on the 6th floor of a commercial building downtown . I 'm sorry I didn 't have time to look for that catalogue today . There was McDonald - Wright , myself , and there was a boy from Germany who had come here to Los Angeles . There were about seven of us . By the way , the name Wright called it was " The Art Students ' League . " BORIS DEUTSCH : Oh yes . Of course I knew Ben Berlin . We used to get together quite often . But they were in a different group entirely . Sadakichi Hartman was with them . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . It was a very refreshing exhibition . I remember that I had a couple of things there . But I had a tendency ( I was so modest ) to feel that whatever I did should be better than it was , so that I used to keep paintings for a little while then destroy them . BORIS DEUTSCH : There I was invited by Anita Delano . Whether she was an Assistant Professor of Art or a Professor I don 't know . A very modest , young , wonderful woman . She came to Boyle Heights and I took her up to my attic , and there she saw my work for the first time . She invited me to show at the University . That was a very delightful thing ; not only delightful , but very refreshing , to have others see my painting for the first time . BETTY HOAG : How right that it should have been of her ! I should tell the tape that Riva was Mrs . Deutsch . When did you marry her ? BETTY HOAG : And many different ones . She was a lovely person . The Project work you started on about what time ? You were active on that mural in the thirties ? BORIS DEUTSCH : I was in New York that time . I had my first showing in New York at the Jacques Seligmann Galleries ( in 1933 ) . I had prepared for that show for several years . Finally we got there I had Mr . O ' toole working at that time with the Seligmann Galleries and he actually got the old man to walk up six flights of stairs to see my paintings . By the time he walked up the poor guy was so worn out he didn 't want to have anything to do with it ! Well , I showed my paintings ; there were about forty of them . And that day was the coldest day in thirteen years . ( They had a Cezanne show there before ; I was right after Cezanne , and I didn 't sell even a single drawing ) No one saw the show ! BORIS DEUTSCH : In the ' 30s yes , yes . Then shortly after that , through friends , I got this position with the Government . It was called the Resettlement Administration . It was under the supervision of Dr . Rexford G . Tugwell , the first brain under Roosevelt . There were three of us , in fact there were more . Quite a few artists were out in the field , so - called . " In the field " meant staying out for weeks , sometimes months , and doing some work there . But in my studio in Washington D . C . , there were Ben Shahn , myself , and a Swedish boy ( I forgot his last name , but Oleo was his first name ) . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , no it wasn 't actually murals . We would go out in the field and travel into different states and make sketches , and then come back to Washington and work them over . Either that or paint those things . And all this work belonged to the Government . BORIS DEUTSCH : I painted Tugwell and I even made him pose for me . I remember it was an Easter Sunday . I had to go down to his office and I was rushing . I was driving the car and I passed ( went through ) a red signal . I was quite overwhelmed that I should do a thing like that , and I came to the office and said , " Dr . Tugwell , I just passed a red signal . " And he said , " By all means go and arrest yourself . " I said , " Well , you 'll have to do it . I want to complete that painting . " I had already spent a whole week on the painting , but after I had worked for an hour suddenly there came an idea to my mind : " I don 't like it " I had a big 3 - 4 inch brush in my pocket , and I used it to paint the whole thing out . And I thought that man was going to . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : . . . fall through the floor . I had to explain myself . I said , " Dr . Tugwell , I 've been fighting it . I don 't like it . There is something different which has to be painted . " " What do you want me to do ? " he asked . I said , " Let 's get started all over again . " BORIS DEUTSCH : It isn 't that one , no . It 's one in which he is holding a book . I 'll find it for you . And that was painted afterwards , after I had spent two weeks before . He understood it very well : He said , " I write , of course , and it happens in my writing , the same thing . " BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , Wallace I painted . He was a very remarkable person . ( The first time I saw him I was very much impressed , he was dictating two letters at the same time . ) BORIS DEUTSCH : Oh her , yes . Oh , she was a beautiful person . I 'll have to find it and show it to you . The Project was one of these great things that happen once perhaps in the century . It never happened anything like that in our modern times , to be employed by the Government and still be given the complete freedom . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : Medium , anything . It was unbelievable . Then Olee , the boy from Sweden , told me there was nothing new about that . He 's said , " We 've done it for the last forty years . We 've recorded anything and everything that happened in art history by the artist . " BORIS DEUTSCH : I don 't remember . They did a tremendous amount of work . I know I did a tremendous amount . I would come in with fifty sketches . I would go away for a month and bring fifty sketches of all kinds of things . BORIS DEUTSCH : The Resettlement Project was actually to resettle certain workers . They built houses for them and gave some a plot of land to grow things . It was to pay off perhaps in fifteen or twenty years . It was so highly criticized that it was dismissed after only a year and a half . BORIS DEUTSCH : I really don 't know . I 'm not familiar with that . Tugwell told me he wanted me very badly to paint the President but unfortunately I happened to be here in among the migratory workers between Los Angeles and San Francisco . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : So I couldn 't go back . They wanted me to go back to Washington but I felt I wanted to stay here because it was really Riva 's home and my home here . I thought I ought to go back to painting my own way . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . I stayed here until Riva and I were married . Then we went to Chicago . Of course it was very stupid of me . We landed in Chicago and Riva didn 't know , we only had enough money to live on for about two weeks . So , again I relied upon myself , feeling that " something was going to happen . " With a few samples I walked into a big Chicago commercial house ( Lord and Thomas , I remember : a big firm . Very large . I think it was Lord and Thomas , I 'm not sure . Anyway it was a commercial house . I showed them my work and half an hour later I walked out with a commission for five sketches to be made for clinics . $ 100 per sketch ! To be delivered next week ! BORIS DEUTSCH : Well , I don 't know how you would describe that . Of course Riva never knew where the next dollar was coming from . Neither did I . But somehow it always came . BETTY HOAG : Mr . Deutsch , we had done before to the time that you were in Chicago and then Florida , then we decided that we should get up to the Projects period , which wasn 't too much later . In the meantime something happened to you which I think we should talk about a little on the tape because it was responsible for recognition of California painters by the whole country , I believe . In 1930 you sent in a picture of " Christ 's Head " and a picture of your wife ( which was also a head ) to the Carnegie International Show , and these , along with several other paintings , were rejected . It caused such a fervor in all of the art journals that the critics and people in the whole United States began to realize that we in California had some fine painters like you and some of the other people who hadn 't been allowed in the show . I think it made a great difference for our state . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , I ended up as the head of a department . It was called the Resettlement Administration . It did very excellent work under Dr . Tugwell . There were already a few artists working there when I got this appointment . I 'm trying to recollect the continuity , or rather beginning , of this project because it was an extremely interesting project . We had a studio , or studios rather , in Washington , and I used to go out in the field doing some sketches for a couple weeks or sometimes even a month , then come back with a great number of sketches , then compose those things into paintings and make new composition . I was one , and I recall Olie ( who was a Swedish artist ) was there , Ben Shahn was there . I went on with the Resettlement administration for I think it must have been a year and half , almost two years perhaps . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , it was not . It was direct from the United States Government , the Treasury Department . I was told afterwards that some of those sketches were seen on President Roosevelt 's desk . BORIS DEUTSCH : Thank you . But there were some changes to be made , but not very much . The color was done in rather an interesting way . I tried to do some research and I found books on mural painting and after reading them I was so confused I just decided to do it my own way . I approached in the very simplest way . Some painters might be interested in knowing because a great number of them had a lot of trouble , the paint fell off and peeled off because in the contract it was stated that you could not paint with oil . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , it was . And they wanted a more lasting medium . I could use egg tempera or casein and I was very much afraid of casein because casein has a tendency to be a little thick , to flake off as time goes on . Also it was a tendency to crack , it doesn 't crack but it has a tendency to make some trouble later . So I decided to do this the simplest way and that is egg tempera . I used the yoke of an egg and I mixed it into the water . BORIS DEUTSCH : It wasn 't very difficult . I used to use only one egg a day because the work was rather slow . I started out to work with a very fine brush and had to get it out around the murals . And I found after many months - well it was done in 1943 or 1942 - 43 and the color is just the same today as if it were new . BORIS DEUTSCH : It was the very simplest way . A yoke of an egg , plus a few drops of delmare water . I had two little jars of concentrated dry color , and when I got through with the murals I still had some left ! BORIS DEUTSCH : They show music and weaving , food preparation and costumes to the present time . And they had a 200 inch telescope . It was an interesting experiment to me , very interesting . BETTY HOAG : Well I have a list of what I guessed the titles are , and I wanted to ask you about them . The first one , which is dated 1941 , shows Mexican women making pottery and tacos and little children holding great palm leaves over them in the heat . Was that a Mexican scene ? BETTY HOAG : The next one was done in 1942 , and it was obviously South America with people weaving . One of the men was wearing a hat with a great . . . it looked like a stuffed bird on it . Do you remember what that thing was ? BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . They have what 's called a Quetzal bird . It 's a symbol of their country . I think they even use it for money . BETTY HOAG : The next one was of Mexican dancers with masks and many feathered head dresses . It was very elaborate . And the one next to it was also Mexicans dancing but you had Mayan and Aztec motifs . BETTY HOAG : . . . with the Indian people around him . Then when you turn the corner there is a series down the side corridor of the Post Office , five more murals which all have modern subject . The first one was people coming west by the conestoga wagon drawn by oxen and then Mount Palomar , I believe . BORIS DEUTSCH : " In the Defense " . . . military defense . A most curious thing I remember : a mother and a little girl and a little boy were watching me work . I very often would come down just to take a look at the panel . I would come down from the scaffold and look at it . And once when I did the little boy asked me , " When you were my age , when you were little boy , did you want to paint very badly ? " I thought it was really remarkable . I said , " Yes , I wanted to paint very badly . " And I did want to paint so badly when I was a child . I wanted to work because I have always loved it , and I 've never deviated throughout my entire life . BETTY HOAG : I mentioned when we were talking on the earlier tape that you often used your wife , Riva , in your paintings . In these modern ones . I 'm quite sure that I found her as the wife of an astronomer in the Palomar picture ; and she was one of the teachers in the Physics class ; and I think one of the telephone operators . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : No . I did not . I did it all by myself . A friend of mine was a professor at the University , an assistant professor of economics , and wanted to try to help . I couldn 't refuse her very much , so I told her to come and try something . She gave it up in the first half hour ! BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes . I sent in thirty minute sketches and then the actual size of those sketches . In other words , I made my drawings the same size as the wall and we photographed those things and sent in to them . They had to look at those things and suggest some corrections . I didn 't have many corrections . BORIS DEUTSCH : I don 't really know . I don 't really know , but they were not very severe . It didn 't matter very much . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , no . I recall his work ; it was sort of Impressionistic and he did very beautiful things . I think he did quite a number of pastels . BORIS DEUTSCH : Of course Ben Berlin was in that same group of a few artists at that particular time . I believe him to be the finest American artist of that period . His work had sort of a Cubistic tendency . BORIS DEUTSCH : I 've done some of it but I was asked to teach at the Otis Art Institute , and I was at that school for about six years . I had a wonderful class in advanced painting . There was no commercial art there at all , unlike the other schools and there were wonderful workers . There I realized the great potentialities that this country had and has and will have as time goes on . Even in the field of art , because I have seen the talent here in this country : it is unbelievable . I think it would only flourish in a country where there is a democracy like we have in this country under the free system of government , where no one is dictated to do things he doesn 't like . This has proved itself to be correct , because it has flowered out , it has spread out after the terrific , enormous work shop ( Federal Art Project ) throughout the country . And the public became interested in it too . BORIS DEUTSCH : It was the nucleus of the very essence of our country . It was this , under the Roosevelt administration , which gave the terrific push to the cause of the artists . All the arts : music , drama , painting , so on and so forth . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , I did not . No , I was painting for it you see . I was very busy painting . I painted a great deal at that time . Then I became interested in different changes that took place throughout the country , throughout the world . The so - called " modern " tendencies , the extreme tendencies which we have accepted not was nothing new then because they have done it in France first . But it had to get started here sooner or later , and so naturally it came to a point where no matter what had been done was hung up on the walls . Even Pop art , so to speak . Which I thought was a good thing , they had something to say and they expressed themselves . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , I really couldn 't answer that correctly . I think everything has a bearing on a person 's way of doing things , without our knowing it perhaps . For instance , our way of living . I started exploring different mannerisms ( I call it Mannerisms ) different ways and means we use to express ourselves , and my work has changed a great deal since that time . But you cannot escape , run away from yourself . No one wants to run away . Art is really a great continuity in a person 's life and although you may paint different subject matter , yet the man behind his work is always present . You cannot separate yourself from a particular way of thinking . And no one wants to do that . BORIS DEUTSCH : I think that a person ( and I know it is so ) should look for new avenues , because one becomes actually bound and held back by his past experiences . But you must start to look for newer ways to express yourself you 'll have ( Of course you 've got to have the creative ability and for those who haven 't it 's just too bad . They will work the same way as they did forty years ago ) But you handwriting is always present . BETTY HOAG : At the very beginning of the tape I mentioned the fact that you 'd been called the first Expressionist painter in Los Angeles . In the library yesterday I was reading some old magazines and found one place where it was Arthur Miller who had said this about you , calling you completely expressionistic at the time . The reason we talked so much about your training in Germany was because I was wondering if you had seen the Blue Rider group there , or had been influenced by any of these expressionistic painters at that time . But you think not ? BORIS DEUTSCH : No , I don 't . I don 't actually . I always studied naturally . I always worked and took in everything I saw . But it was in America where I really started to develop because here I found freedom , and I found this whole world was opened to me . I always was so grateful that I could come , paint without being hindered and disturbed . Oh , perhaps you can classify my early works , as having a tendency toward expressionism . But the influences of Rembrandt in my childhood when I was in Berlin - I was about 17 years old - I think had a terrific impression upon me , because I found in his work the great and simple way of expressing yourself , in a very humble way . Without fancy gymnastics in the art of painting or showing - off things , all sorts of things having to do with art . Some of those artists really don 't paint . Very often I 've seen some painters take up a certain mannerism for a while and then drop it because they realize it 's not their own . I knew a great strapping young man who tried to draw or paint with a shaky hand - really , actually shaking - on purpose . BORIS DEUTSCH : All just for a certain mannerism , trying to adopt it , and it just didn 't belong to him . Because he wasn 't shaky at all . Perhaps it was just a novelty . I saw some of the early French drawings which had a naive approach to art but they were very genuine . BETTY HOAG : After the Projects , you did a painting for which you became very famous , and it was a horrible thing because it was done after the bomb had been dropped on Hiroshima . Hiroshima was a little village you told us about earlier on the tape , which you had loved so much in Japan when you were on your way from Siberia . That painting , called " What the Atomic Bomb can do to You . " You entered it in the national Pepsi Cola contest in 1946 and it won first prize . It certainly is one of the most horrible of paintings . I think it takes its place with " Guernica " : it is the same type of painting . BORIS DEUTSCH : I think I mentioned this before . I stayed over night in Hiroshima and it made such an impression on me . Later on when that bomb was dropped . That picture was shown in a many places in the country but it was a time , that particular era , when I always felt that the painting did not receive the proper attention . It was at a time when we needed so badly to build up our own strength in this country militarily , and therefore ( the impact of the painting ) was practically side - swiped . I always felt that I would have liked have done something with it . Today , even after all these years - it was then 1946 - I don 't think the times have changed : we are seeing the same fear actually ; we are permeated with it . We are taught to think that nothing will happen , but underneath we are extremely afraid . BORIS DEUTSCH : Well , no , we are not ostriches any more , but we are still afraid of the bomb . There is no question about that . When this will end we don 't know . I still have the feeling , by the way that it would be a wonderful thing to have it reproduced in posters , something of that sort . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes it is painted in oil . I even wrote a letter , I recall , to the Pepsi Cola people . I wrote that about ten years ago , asking if they would be interested in something about it . Well , they were only interested in selling colas , Pepsi Colas . The weren 't interested in doing anything about it . They turn the competition into beauty contests now . BETTY HOAG : Maybe Life magazine would in interested . I noticed the new magazine which came out today is offering war posters of both World War I and II which one can buy for his home , suitable for framing . You know , " Uncle Same Wants You " and " Give to the Red Cross . " BETTY HOAG : Maybe this is a revival of interest , Mr . Deutsch . We spoke the other day , too , about some of the portraits you did in Washington when you were there , like these of Tugwell and Henry Wallace . You also have done portraits of many important people in the art colony here in Los Angeles and I think we should call attention to them . One is here on the wall beside me . BORIS DEUTSCH : Oh , that was a study actually , a drawing of him . I don 't know if he was a writer or a poet or both perhaps ; I don 't know . . . I knew him not well enough to say anything against him . I once got a letter from him wondering if I would be interested in making a portrait of him and if so he wouldn 't charge me anything for it ! BORIS DEUTSCH : From Europe and Joe wanted me to paint his portrait . He was at the height of his career at that time , and he would come over twice a week to pose for a couple of hours . I began to dislike the whole business of painting his portrait because he had a tendency to freeze me . He thought it was really wonderful when I started out painting , after only half an hour . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : Yes , and I worked for perhaps four sittings and I was quite disgusted with his attitude : I just couldn 't accept those things because I had a certain idea of how to paint it . So I told him I was not going to paint him anymore . By the way , he thought that $ 250 for the portrait was just about right and of course I didn 't agree , but I was only a little mad . But I never signed the portrait ! BORIS DEUTSCH : And eight or nine years later he saw me . He came over to my place in Blyle Heights ( a certain section here in town , in Los Angeles ; a modes little section ) and he had difficulties finding the place . When he got in the driveway he damaged his car because the driveway was too narrow . He came over to me in my studio asking if perhaps I would be willing to sign the painting . I was working on this painting with What Atomic War will do to You , and he looked at that , and he said , " Why must a person paint things like that ? Why don 't you paint some flowers or something nice ? " He felt that this was the wrong thing to do . Mind you , he . . . BORIS DEUTSCH : Well , I 'm coming back to this painting , " What the Atomic Bomb Can Do to You . " I would like very much to be able to do something with it , because I feel that something should be done . I really do . BORIS DEUTSCH : I went back to my painting naturally . I painted continuously . And then I had a little gallery with art classes . It didn 't last very long but it was interesting . BORIS DEUTSCH : No , I showed other young men 's work . There was quite a bit of work connected with it and I had to give it up finally because I needed more time for my painting . Then I continued painting throughout the years . I saw my style in painting gradually . . . I wouldn 't call it changed . It isn 't changed , but I took an interest in new subject matter . I was interested in astronomy all my life and I have been doing some painting that has to do with outer space , in my own way , my own interpretations of interplanetary subject matter . Transcript available on line at http : / / www . aaa . si . edu / collections / oralhistories / transcripts / deutsc64 . htm Transcript available on the Archives of American Art website . Quotes and excerpts must be cited as follows : Oral history interview with Boris Deutsch , 1964 June 1 - 5 . Archives of American Art , Smithsonian Institution . Download Transcript |
We 've had a lovely , relaxed week during which we 've mostly hung around and done - - well , we 've pretty much done nothing at all , unless you consider finishing off leftover holiday food an accomplishment . We 've watched movies , played games , read books , ate cookies , sat by the fire , and put together a jigsaw puzzle . We 've got a couple feet of snow on the ground , so it 's a good time to hibernate . Our cat Rogue , who spends most of her time outside in warmer weather , has chosen the little Christmas village as a fine place for a long winter 's nap . We didn 't really do anything special . We built a fire in the fireplace . We played with the remote control car he 's chosen for his birthday present . We went outside with shovels to clear away the snow the plows had pushed into the driveway . Red - haired Niece and Blonde Niece stopped by to borrow some snowshoes on their way to Pretty Colour Lakes so we talked to them for a few minutes . I had a couple of stitches in my arm that needed to come out today , and Biker Boy watched , fascinated , while Boy - in - Black took them out with scissors and tweezers . Biker Boy had a new iPod Touch that someone ( his foster parents , I 'm assuming ) had given him for Christmas , and he was eager to figure out how to use it . He gets frustrated easily with technology , but Shaggy Hair Boy came to his rescue and patiently helped him transfer music . That 's when I figured out that we could use the little device for video chatting . It took us awhile to set up his account , but soon we had it in place . To practice , he went upstairs and I called him from my computer . Sure enough , his face appeared on my screen . " This is awesome , " he said . " I can see you ! I can see the Christmas tree ! " He was talking so loud that I could have heard him even without the computer . It was getting dark when I drove him home . Lights were going on in the farmhouses that we passed . The pine trees held big curves of white . Biker Boy held the GPS in his hands , even though I assured him I know the way by now ; he 's fascinated with the device . Once I was back in my living room , I opened my laptop , and soon his face appeared , grinning . " I can see you ! " he called out . He began panning the iPod around the room to give me a tour . " Look ! Here 's the television ! Here 's a chair ! " When Dandelion Niece and Taekwondo Nephew arrived on the morning of Christmas Eve , I put them to work immediately - chopping vegetables , ironing the white tablecloths , and carrying chairs in from the garage . We tried to figure out how many people would be here for Christmas dinner . Twenty ? Twenty - one ? Boy - in - Black , who had taken a break from cleaning to obligingly taste the baked beans , looked up from his bowl . " Maybe more barbecue sauce . Or something spicy . " He rooted through the spice drawer , pulling out cayenne and red pepper . Puzzled , I went over to the front door and opened it . She 'd hung a lovely , homemade wreath on the door on her way in . Busy with food preparations , I hadn 't even noticed . Our youngest cat is almost fourteen years old . So I 'm guessing it won 't be long before all of our cats die peaceful , natural deaths . And then after that , as God is my witness , I 'm never going to let a cat in my house again . I tried to be pro - active this holiday season and avoid feline mishaps . I don 't think anyone benefits from the tender holiday image of me swearing at the cats while wielding a bottle of Urine - off . So I did what I could . I even moved our Christmas village - wooden buildings that my parents built and painted almost thirty years ago - out from under the tree and up onto a couple of tables by the window . This maneuver was in response to an ugly incident that happened a couple of years ago when Trouble , our aptly - named male cat , directed a blast of urine at the village . ( If the village were on fire and he were a character in an eighteenth - century satire , I suppose his action would have been justified . Alas , it was not . ) This year 's incident happened on my husband 's birthday . With the house decorated for Christmas , our youngest in school , and the older kids at the castle , we planned to spend a romantic day home in front of the fire . I 'd finished my grading for the semester , my husband had a couple of days off , and snow was beginning to fall . When we woke up that morning , everything was perfect - except for a strong stench that permeated our home . " Where 's the smell coming from ? " my husband asked , picking up a couch cushion and sniffing it . " It 's somewhere in this room . " " I can 't find a wet spot , " I said . We both began frantically sniffing everything in the room . It wasn 't any of the pillows . It wasn 't the Christmas village . I could smell the odor - the whole room stank - but I couldn 't find the exact spot . We spent hours crawling around on the floor , smelling for a spot on the carpet , a urine - soaked pillow , anything . At least , it felt like hours . Time goes slowly when your living room reeks . Finally I opened the windows to let in fresh air , even though that made the room frigid . By then , I 'd pulled sweatpants and a sweatshirt on over the lingerie I was wearing for the occasion . The day was getting less and less romantic with every passing minute . We gave up and went out to lunch to get a respite from the awful smell and to stop at the pet store to buy more Urine - off . When we returned , the stench was worse than ever . I began moving things out of the room , just to eliminate them from our investigation : the pillows , the chair , stacks of piano music . We even moved the Christmas tree into the middle of the room to check the carpet underneath . " Maybe the cat peed in the heat duct ? " my husband said . " And it fills the room every time the heat goes on ? " He went down into the crawlspace to check out the furnace . I was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree , and I leaned over to breathe in the pine scent of the tree . That 's when I figured it out . That strand of garland ? Those low branches ? A whole section of the tree reeked . I grabbed my pruning shears and chopped off a branch . " I found it ! " I yelled to my husband . When he appeared , I made him smell the branch - and the strand of contaminated garland . I started hacking branches off the tree like crazy . I hacked a whole section of branches off the tree and tossed them outside . The room , thankfully , began to smell better . My husband began carrying in all the furniture and pillows we 'd tossed tossed into the kitchen during our frantic search . I began to feel optimistic . " I 'll just turn this side of the tree to the wall , " I said . " It 'll look fine . " I yanked the tree across the room , ornaments bouncing onto the carpet as I spun it into place . Then I reached down to plug in the lights . Only the very bottom stand lit : the rest of the tree was dark . I peered in at the branches as an awful thought crossed my mind . Most of the audience were in wheelchairs . But I could hear many of them singing the old familiar songs , and they applauded after every song . They even laughed at the corny jokes my husband told as he introduced each number . Shaggy Hair Boy stayed at the piano , flipping the pages of Christmas music and playing . With - a - Why , Shy Smile , and my husband sang , and sometimes they jingled bells . I stayed in the audience next to my mother - in - law . She doesn 't have enough strength in her arms to clap her hands , but she whispered to me that she was proud . They sang for an hour , and then it was time for the staff to start wheeling the residents back to the rooms so they could prepare the dining room for the evening meal . When we got home , the boys went immediately to the piano to continue playing and singing . They perform with or without an audience . We all went to see the play at the local high school : my kids , my parents , Blonde Sister and her family , a bunch of our extras , even Brooklyn Friend . In fact , we bought 42 tickets altogether over the three nights that the play ran . My husband and I saw it three times . Longtime readers probably remember my stories about how shy With - a - Why was a child . Throughout first grade , he never said a single word to the teacher . Not one word . And even as a teenager , he often hid behind his long hair . But music has drawn him gradually out . Piano Teacher was one of the first adults outside of the family that he would talk to . With her encouragement , he played recitals and exams often enough that he was no longer intimidated playing in front of an audience . Playing the piano was a way for a quiet child to express himself . My father takes credit for discovering that With - a - Why could sing . When he , Shaggy Hair Boy , and With - a - Why got together for jam sessions , he started giving With - a - Why some vocals . Then Choir Teacher convinced him to join the high school choir , invited him into the select Chamber Choir , set him up with voice lessons , and eventually began asking him to sing in front of people . Music drew him to the high school play , and being in that play was a transformative experience . He even cut his hair for the part - and donated 18 inches of fine , black hair to a charity . The day he returned to school with short hair , Drama Teacher stopped me in the hall to say , " Thank you for cutting his hair ! " Then she added , " You should see the attention he 's getting from the girls . " Hanging out with the bunch of creative , expressive students who are drawn to drama club turned out to be just what With - a - Why needed . I 've watched these last couple of months as the last vestiges of his shyness disappeared . He played Ralph Sheldrake , a fast - talking Big City professional . Not exactly the part I 'd give a shy , small - town boy . But onstage , dressed sometimes in a suit and sometimes in a uniform , he delivered his lines with confidence , just like a smooth - talking Ladies ' Man . He sang beautifully , and even danced at the end . " He didn 't seem shy up there at all , did he ? " Drama Teacher said to me afterwards . I could tell that she and Choir Teacher , as well as Piano Teacher who had come to watch the show , were all proud of how he 's blossomed . I wanted to put all three teachers up on the stage and give them a round of applause for what a difference they 've made in one young man 's life . The drive from Biker Boy 's foster home to my house takes about 45 minutes . That gave Biker Boy and me time alone to talk in the car this morning . He told me about stuff that had happened to him over the last week , and then he said , " I know about the shooting - - the kids getting killed . " I glanced over at his face . " I wondered how much you knew , " I said . He 's eleven , so I figured he would have heard the horrifying news . He said his foster father had talked to him about it . " It 's really sad , " he said . " But there were good people there too . Like teachers who tried to save kids and hide them and stuff . Just one person who was shooting , but the other grown - ups wanted to stop him . " Unlike most of the adults I 've talked to since Friday , he didn 't express any shock or disbelief . He didn 't say , " I can 't believe something like this could happen . " He 's eleven , but he already knows that unspeakably bad things happen to kids . He 's known that since he was small . We talked as we drove past cornfields and red barns . But once we pulled into my driveway , we agreed to stop talking about topics that made us sad . It was time for a comforting seasonal ritual : getting our Christmas tree . Once we were in the house , I made Biker Boy a cup of cocoa . Brooklyn Friend had come in for the weekend and she was already drinking a cup of hot tea . While we waited for my husband to get home from the gym , we ate cookies and moved furniture to make room for the Christmas tree . With - a - Why stopped texting his girlfriend long enough to play the piano - songs from the Charlie Brown Christmas special . We went to the same Christmas tree stand we always go to . The family who owns it are super nice . I like to walk through the rows of freshly cut trees , smelling them . Biker Boy likes to run up to each tree and yell , " This one ! Can we buy this one ? " and then change his mind two seconds later . Back at the house , we ate pizza ( it 's a tradition ) and built a fire ( another tradition ) . My daughter and Sailor Boy came over to help decorate - or rather watch while Biker Boy and I decorated the tree . Shaggy Hair Boy played Christmas music on the piano . We ended the day with a feast of Italian food that my husband picked up from a local restaurant . At a holiday party on Saturday night , I wandered into the kitchen , where the best conversations always take place . Sure enough , a bunch of my friends were gathered by the stove , chomping on Christmas cookies while they talked . A long - time friend , Warm Smile , was explaining the Secret Santa tradition her extended family - about 30 relatives in all - chooses to do each holiday season instead of traditional gift - giving . " My sister - in - law takes all of our names and pairs us up . So we get a buddy , " she said . " This year , for example , I 'm paired with my nephew . " The pairings are top secret . No one is supposed to know who your partner is . " But we talk to each other - each pair - and we tell our partners what kind of charitable contribution to make , " she said . " So you don 't buy gifts ? " asked Christmas Sweater , helping herself to some taco dip . " Nope , " Warm Smile said . " And the rule is that you can 't just donate money to the Sierra Club or some organization . It has to be a gift of time . " For instance , an aunt could be paired with a teenage nephew . She could tell him that she worried about families who go hungry . He could respond by agreeing to volunteer in a local soup kitchen or help out with a canned food drive . Then he could tell her that he wanted to do something about the environment . She could agree to volunteer to be on a committee at her church that 's looking to install solar panels on the roof . " We talk over options until we figure something out , " she said . " Oh , we all tell my sister - in - law , and then she publishes a family newsletter . It 's fun to see what everyone did , " Warm Smile said . " It 's really so much rewarding than opening presents . " Posted by Saturday was # DigiBakeDay . That meant that a bunch of my friends on twitter baked together . Well , not actually together . We decided we 'd bake in our own homes but post photos of what we were baking to the internet . The online twitter baking party included hourly writing prompts that asked us to share memories and recipes . Somehow the prompt about heart - warming memories inspired jokes about cookies that looked like body parts . Ah , it 's the internet . Go figure . I planned to participate by talking , rather than baking . That is , after all , my usual role . I tend to sit in other people 's kitchens , entertaining them while they bake , and then offering magnanimously to test the products . I figured my usual lazy approach would be even easier in virtual reality . I could just go on twitter and type stuff about baking , rather than actually getting out flour and sugar . Besides , I had student portfolios to grade . Twitter seemed an acceptable mode of procrastination - - I 'm just going on the computer for a moment , I 'd tell myself - whereas starting a baking project in the kitchen would be admitting that I 'd abandoned the grading task altogether . The other good part about virtual baking , I figured , is that I wouldn 't have to clean afterwards . When it came right down to it . I really couldn 't get into some big baking project anyhow . I had to leave the house midday to go to a piano recital that featured Piano Teacher wearing a Santa Hat , a whole bunch of aspiring little kid pianists dressed in their holiday best , and Shaggy Hair Boy as the guest pianist at the end . All the seasonal piano music put me in the holiday spirit . The little kids played their songs with great enthusiasm . Then Shaggy Hair Boy sat down at the piano . He told the audience that he wanted to play something in honor of Dave Brubeck , who had died a few days earlier . Then he began with Take Five and continued with God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen in 5 / 4 time . His medley of holiday songs included a jazzed up version of Feliz Navidad , which he put in just to tease Piano Teacher since she says it 's a song she hates . He ended with Jingle Bell Rock . I stopped at the Castle on my way home . That 's the nickname for the little house that my daughter , her boyfriend Sailor Boy , and my son Boy - in - Black share . I don 't know why they call it that : the house looks nothing like a castle . They showed me the last of the cupcakes that Sailor Boy and Shaggy Hair Boy had made the day before : fancy tiramisu cupcakes . When I came home from the recital , I opened up my laptop computer to see that all my twitter friends were posting photos of cookies . By then I was pretty hungry . With - a - Why came home from his play rehearsal saying that he was hungry too . But he and his girlfriend said they didn 't have time to bake : they were settled on the couch with books and computers , doing homework . That 's when I gave into the twitter pressure . Everyone on the internet was eating homemade holiday treats ! Everyone except me ! So I abandoned my grading , mixed up some vegan chocolate cupcakes , and soon the house smelled good . " Are you going to put icing on them ? " With - a - Why asked as I pulled the pan of cupcakes out of the oven . He likes them plain . " I guess not , " I said . I didn 't have the patience to wait for the cupcakes to cool . We began eating them just as they were , warm and unfrosted . By the time my husband came home - he 'd had to work on a Saturday on account of his computer deciding to crash - the cupcakes were gone . The afternoon was gone too , and it was time for me to change my clothes quickly for the holiday party we were going to . For holidays and birthdays , Shaggy Hair Boy and Smiley Girl usually make each other presents rather than buy them . Homemade presents are more meaningful , and they want to take an eco - friendly approach . And also , neither one of them has any money . Shaggy Hair Boy had heard Smiley Girl talk about these glass jars that they used to have at a restaurant in her hometown . The jars had handles on them - that 's what made them cool - and they were sold , filled with spices , at the front counter . But the restaurant has since switched to plastic jars , and they no longer sell the eco - friendly glass ones . So Shaggy Hair Boy decided to try to find a jar to give to Smiley Girl for her 21st birthday . First , he checked ebay . But no one was selling the jars . It 's a small restaurant so that 's not a surprise . But he kept looking , and soon he found a cooking blog that showed the jars . He emailed the woman listed as the contact , who told him that the jars were no longer being sold . That started a chain of emails . And that 's what happened . This woman ( a total stranger ) washed out the jar that she had in her kitchen , wrapped it carefully , marked the package as " fragile " and sent it to my son . She said in her note that she was a romantic and the mother of three sons . She added , " I hope you are putting a ring in the jar . " " I 'm a romantic as well , " Shaggy Hair Boy wrote back . He told her that he and Smiley Girl will need to wait another year or so before getting engaged since they are both still in college . Then he finished making the gift . He bought a bag of starburst candies and figured out he could fit 66 into the jar . He wrote down 66 happy memories ( or things he loved about his girlfriend ) , each one on a little slip of paper , and then wrapped each candy with a memory , before putting them in the jar . The gift was a success . Smiley Girl was happy and surprised to get the jar , and she loved the little memory - wrapped candies . Shaggy Hair Boy sent a report back to the woman who had given him the jar . He added at the end : " Thank you so much for lending me your jar and maybe one day I 'll lend this jar to someone else . You are sincerely the nicest stranger I have ever met . " The woman emailed back that his sweet note had made her day . She loved the idea of him paying the favor forward someday . She added at the end , " Tell your mother that she raised a wonderful son . We mothers like to hear that . " " Let 's pick an evening and go downtown to see the Christmas tree , " my father said . I smiled when he said that because he sounded so much like my grandmother , who always loved to go downtown at Christmas time . When I was a kid , she used to take my siblings and me on a shopping trip downtown every December . In those days , the big department stores used to have windows filled with holiday decorations . So tonight I drove my parents into Snowstorm City . Little trees along the sidewalks were wrapped in white lights , and some of the brick buildings were decorated with red and green lights shaped like poinsettas . The big tree stood near the skating rink , where about a dozen folks skated in a circle . Many of the skaters seemed to be struggling just to stay upright , but they were having fun despite their lack of expertise . Two little girls clinging to the railing were laughing even as they kept falling . We walked around to admire the decorations , and we stopped at a craft store whose front window was filled with blown - glass balls hanging from the ceiling with ribbons . The woman behind the counter overheard me telling my mother the story of what Shaggy Hair Boy had gotten his girlfriend for her birthday , and she chimed into the conversation to say , " Oh , he 's soooo sweet . " We browsed through crafts made by local artists , ate some cookies from the plate set out near the window , and then walked back out into the night air . Biker Boy , who had gone running off to find his sneakers , stopped in his tracks . He didn 't say anything , just turned and looked at me . I knew right away what the book was , and I tucked it into my bag . " We 'll take a look , " I promised her . Then I looked up at Biker Boy . " But first , let 's go run around outside somewhere . Get your coat . " I got to Biker Boy 's foster home early this morning , in hopes that we could go hiking before the rain started . Temperatures were still above freezing , and most of last week 's snow had melted , leaving pockets of white in the woods . I 'd looked up some new hiking trails on the computer before I 'd left home , but Biker Boy said , " We need to go to the waterfall again . It 's a tradition . " We stopped to buy snacks ( another tradition ) and then I took a detour to look at one of the kettle lakes . It was a pretty lake , small enough for just canoes or rowboats . We passed several hand - painted signs advertising Christmas tree farms , and then we passed hillsides filled with Christmas trees , rows and rows of them spreading in all directions . We crossed the railroad track several times , with Biker Boy looking anxiously each way for trains before we drove over it . When we got to the trailhead for the waterfall hike , we were the only car . " We have the whole place to ourselves , " I told Biker Boy . We both paused to listen to the stream rushing down over rocks . " IT ' S ALL OURS ! " he yelled . He ran ahead on the trail , eager to lead the way . When we reached the waterfall , we could see chunks of ice that had melted and fallen into piles at the base of each little ledge . The rocks were slippery this week , and we both kept sliding back as we scrambled up and over them . He grinned and began throwing the chunks of ice . They smashed against the rock with a satisfying sound that echoed throughout the valley . After a few minutes , I took a second pair of gloves out of my camera bag and joined him : the thinner pieces of ice were the most fun because they crackled as they crashed . The rain began while we were still climbing around the waterfall . The rocks and dead leaves were slippery , and we were soon covered with mud from sliding down on our butts . We 'd hoped to find a trail to get to the top of the falls , but I think we went the wrong way . I probably should have looked at the trail map a little closer . By then it was lunchtime . Pizza is another tradition , and it 's an easy one to keep . Every little town in this part of the country has a pizza place . We found a pizza parlor with a friendly owner , an electric fireplace , and vinyl booths that could accommodate two hikers whose clothes were wet . Once we were done eating , I pulled from the album from my bag - - a book put together by a couple could potentially adopt him . " Want to look at this now ? " I asked . He nodded . We looked at the photos of the people , their pets , and their house . We read the carefully typed words that revealed so much longing , and Biker Boy pointed out the details that he liked the best . Adoption is a slow process , and this is just the very beginning . Biker Boy and the team of people working with him know that there are many hurdles to overcome before he ends up in a family . " It 's about 40 minutes from my house , " I said . " Don 't worry , I could visit you there . It 's near a big lake - there are lots of beautiful places on the shore of that lake . " The pizza ovens made the little diner warm , the rain made a splattering sound on the windows , and we both felt sleepy . We split another piece of pizza , just because it tasted so good , and we put the album away . There was , really , no way to predict the future . I teach writing and literature at a small science college in the northeast . My husband and I have four kids , all in their 20s . They were young when I began this blog , but now they are mostly grown up . |
We 've had a lovely , relaxed week during which we 've mostly hung around and done - - well , we 've pretty much done nothing at all , unless you consider finishing off leftover holiday food an accomplishment . We 've watched movies , played games , read books , ate cookies , sat by the fire , and put together a jigsaw puzzle . We 've got a couple feet of snow on the ground , so it 's a good time to hibernate . Our cat Rogue , who spends most of her time outside in warmer weather , has chosen the little Christmas village as a fine place for a long winter 's nap . We didn 't really do anything special . We built a fire in the fireplace . We played with the remote control car he 's chosen for his birthday present . We went outside with shovels to clear away the snow the plows had pushed into the driveway . Red - haired Niece and Blonde Niece stopped by to borrow some snowshoes on their way to Pretty Colour Lakes so we talked to them for a few minutes . I had a couple of stitches in my arm that needed to come out today , and Biker Boy watched , fascinated , while Boy - in - Black took them out with scissors and tweezers . Biker Boy had a new iPod Touch that someone ( his foster parents , I 'm assuming ) had given him for Christmas , and he was eager to figure out how to use it . He gets frustrated easily with technology , but Shaggy Hair Boy came to his rescue and patiently helped him transfer music . That 's when I figured out that we could use the little device for video chatting . It took us awhile to set up his account , but soon we had it in place . To practice , he went upstairs and I called him from my computer . Sure enough , his face appeared on my screen . " This is awesome , " he said . " I can see you ! I can see the Christmas tree ! " He was talking so loud that I could have heard him even without the computer . It was getting dark when I drove him home . Lights were going on in the farmhouses that we passed . The pine trees held big curves of white . Biker Boy held the GPS in his hands , even though I assured him I know the way by now ; he 's fascinated with the device . Once I was back in my living room , I opened my laptop , and soon his face appeared , grinning . " I can see you ! " he called out . He began panning the iPod around the room to give me a tour . " Look ! Here 's the television ! Here 's a chair ! " When Dandelion Niece and Taekwondo Nephew arrived on the morning of Christmas Eve , I put them to work immediately - chopping vegetables , ironing the white tablecloths , and carrying chairs in from the garage . We tried to figure out how many people would be here for Christmas dinner . Twenty ? Twenty - one ? Boy - in - Black , who had taken a break from cleaning to obligingly taste the baked beans , looked up from his bowl . " Maybe more barbecue sauce . Or something spicy . " He rooted through the spice drawer , pulling out cayenne and red pepper . Puzzled , I went over to the front door and opened it . She 'd hung a lovely , homemade wreath on the door on her way in . Busy with food preparations , I hadn 't even noticed . Our youngest cat is almost fourteen years old . So I 'm guessing it won 't be long before all of our cats die peaceful , natural deaths . And then after that , as God is my witness , I 'm never going to let a cat in my house again . I tried to be pro - active this holiday season and avoid feline mishaps . I don 't think anyone benefits from the tender holiday image of me swearing at the cats while wielding a bottle of Urine - off . So I did what I could . I even moved our Christmas village - wooden buildings that my parents built and painted almost thirty years ago - out from under the tree and up onto a couple of tables by the window . This maneuver was in response to an ugly incident that happened a couple of years ago when Trouble , our aptly - named male cat , directed a blast of urine at the village . ( If the village were on fire and he were a character in an eighteenth - century satire , I suppose his action would have been justified . Alas , it was not . ) This year 's incident happened on my husband 's birthday . With the house decorated for Christmas , our youngest in school , and the older kids at the castle , we planned to spend a romantic day home in front of the fire . I 'd finished my grading for the semester , my husband had a couple of days off , and snow was beginning to fall . When we woke up that morning , everything was perfect - except for a strong stench that permeated our home . " Where 's the smell coming from ? " my husband asked , picking up a couch cushion and sniffing it . " It 's somewhere in this room . " " I can 't find a wet spot , " I said . We both began frantically sniffing everything in the room . It wasn 't any of the pillows . It wasn 't the Christmas village . I could smell the odor - the whole room stank - but I couldn 't find the exact spot . We spent hours crawling around on the floor , smelling for a spot on the carpet , a urine - soaked pillow , anything . At least , it felt like hours . Time goes slowly when your living room reeks . Finally I opened the windows to let in fresh air , even though that made the room frigid . By then , I 'd pulled sweatpants and a sweatshirt on over the lingerie I was wearing for the occasion . The day was getting less and less romantic with every passing minute . We gave up and went out to lunch to get a respite from the awful smell and to stop at the pet store to buy more Urine - off . When we returned , the stench was worse than ever . I began moving things out of the room , just to eliminate them from our investigation : the pillows , the chair , stacks of piano music . We even moved the Christmas tree into the middle of the room to check the carpet underneath . " Maybe the cat peed in the heat duct ? " my husband said . " And it fills the room every time the heat goes on ? " He went down into the crawlspace to check out the furnace . I was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree , and I leaned over to breathe in the pine scent of the tree . That 's when I figured it out . That strand of garland ? Those low branches ? A whole section of the tree reeked . I grabbed my pruning shears and chopped off a branch . " I found it ! " I yelled to my husband . When he appeared , I made him smell the branch - and the strand of contaminated garland . I started hacking branches off the tree like crazy . I hacked a whole section of branches off the tree and tossed them outside . The room , thankfully , began to smell better . My husband began carrying in all the furniture and pillows we 'd tossed tossed into the kitchen during our frantic search . I began to feel optimistic . " I 'll just turn this side of the tree to the wall , " I said . " It 'll look fine . " I yanked the tree across the room , ornaments bouncing onto the carpet as I spun it into place . Then I reached down to plug in the lights . Only the very bottom stand lit : the rest of the tree was dark . I peered in at the branches as an awful thought crossed my mind . Most of the audience were in wheelchairs . But I could hear many of them singing the old familiar songs , and they applauded after every song . They even laughed at the corny jokes my husband told as he introduced each number . Shaggy Hair Boy stayed at the piano , flipping the pages of Christmas music and playing . With - a - Why , Shy Smile , and my husband sang , and sometimes they jingled bells . I stayed in the audience next to my mother - in - law . She doesn 't have enough strength in her arms to clap her hands , but she whispered to me that she was proud . They sang for an hour , and then it was time for the staff to start wheeling the residents back to the rooms so they could prepare the dining room for the evening meal . When we got home , the boys went immediately to the piano to continue playing and singing . They perform with or without an audience . We all went to see the play at the local high school : my kids , my parents , Blonde Sister and her family , a bunch of our extras , even Brooklyn Friend . In fact , we bought 42 tickets altogether over the three nights that the play ran . My husband and I saw it three times . Longtime readers probably remember my stories about how shy With - a - Why was a child . Throughout first grade , he never said a single word to the teacher . Not one word . And even as a teenager , he often hid behind his long hair . But music has drawn him gradually out . Piano Teacher was one of the first adults outside of the family that he would talk to . With her encouragement , he played recitals and exams often enough that he was no longer intimidated playing in front of an audience . Playing the piano was a way for a quiet child to express himself . My father takes credit for discovering that With - a - Why could sing . When he , Shaggy Hair Boy , and With - a - Why got together for jam sessions , he started giving With - a - Why some vocals . Then Choir Teacher convinced him to join the high school choir , invited him into the select Chamber Choir , set him up with voice lessons , and eventually began asking him to sing in front of people . Music drew him to the high school play , and being in that play was a transformative experience . He even cut his hair for the part - and donated 18 inches of fine , black hair to a charity . The day he returned to school with short hair , Drama Teacher stopped me in the hall to say , " Thank you for cutting his hair ! " Then she added , " You should see the attention he 's getting from the girls . " Hanging out with the bunch of creative , expressive students who are drawn to drama club turned out to be just what With - a - Why needed . I 've watched these last couple of months as the last vestiges of his shyness disappeared . He played Ralph Sheldrake , a fast - talking Big City professional . Not exactly the part I 'd give a shy , small - town boy . But onstage , dressed sometimes in a suit and sometimes in a uniform , he delivered his lines with confidence , just like a smooth - talking Ladies ' Man . He sang beautifully , and even danced at the end . " He didn 't seem shy up there at all , did he ? " Drama Teacher said to me afterwards . I could tell that she and Choir Teacher , as well as Piano Teacher who had come to watch the show , were all proud of how he 's blossomed . I wanted to put all three teachers up on the stage and give them a round of applause for what a difference they 've made in one young man 's life . The drive from Biker Boy 's foster home to my house takes about 45 minutes . That gave Biker Boy and me time alone to talk in the car this morning . He told me about stuff that had happened to him over the last week , and then he said , " I know about the shooting - - the kids getting killed . " I glanced over at his face . " I wondered how much you knew , " I said . He 's eleven , so I figured he would have heard the horrifying news . He said his foster father had talked to him about it . " It 's really sad , " he said . " But there were good people there too . Like teachers who tried to save kids and hide them and stuff . Just one person who was shooting , but the other grown - ups wanted to stop him . " Unlike most of the adults I 've talked to since Friday , he didn 't express any shock or disbelief . He didn 't say , " I can 't believe something like this could happen . " He 's eleven , but he already knows that unspeakably bad things happen to kids . He 's known that since he was small . We talked as we drove past cornfields and red barns . But once we pulled into my driveway , we agreed to stop talking about topics that made us sad . It was time for a comforting seasonal ritual : getting our Christmas tree . Once we were in the house , I made Biker Boy a cup of cocoa . Brooklyn Friend had come in for the weekend and she was already drinking a cup of hot tea . While we waited for my husband to get home from the gym , we ate cookies and moved furniture to make room for the Christmas tree . With - a - Why stopped texting his girlfriend long enough to play the piano - songs from the Charlie Brown Christmas special . We went to the same Christmas tree stand we always go to . The family who owns it are super nice . I like to walk through the rows of freshly cut trees , smelling them . Biker Boy likes to run up to each tree and yell , " This one ! Can we buy this one ? " and then change his mind two seconds later . Back at the house , we ate pizza ( it 's a tradition ) and built a fire ( another tradition ) . My daughter and Sailor Boy came over to help decorate - or rather watch while Biker Boy and I decorated the tree . Shaggy Hair Boy played Christmas music on the piano . We ended the day with a feast of Italian food that my husband picked up from a local restaurant . At a holiday party on Saturday night , I wandered into the kitchen , where the best conversations always take place . Sure enough , a bunch of my friends were gathered by the stove , chomping on Christmas cookies while they talked . A long - time friend , Warm Smile , was explaining the Secret Santa tradition her extended family - about 30 relatives in all - chooses to do each holiday season instead of traditional gift - giving . " My sister - in - law takes all of our names and pairs us up . So we get a buddy , " she said . " This year , for example , I 'm paired with my nephew . " The pairings are top secret . No one is supposed to know who your partner is . " But we talk to each other - each pair - and we tell our partners what kind of charitable contribution to make , " she said . " So you don 't buy gifts ? " asked Christmas Sweater , helping herself to some taco dip . " Nope , " Warm Smile said . " And the rule is that you can 't just donate money to the Sierra Club or some organization . It has to be a gift of time . " For instance , an aunt could be paired with a teenage nephew . She could tell him that she worried about families who go hungry . He could respond by agreeing to volunteer in a local soup kitchen or help out with a canned food drive . Then he could tell her that he wanted to do something about the environment . She could agree to volunteer to be on a committee at her church that 's looking to install solar panels on the roof . " We talk over options until we figure something out , " she said . " Oh , we all tell my sister - in - law , and then she publishes a family newsletter . It 's fun to see what everyone did , " Warm Smile said . " It 's really so much rewarding than opening presents . " Posted by Saturday was # DigiBakeDay . That meant that a bunch of my friends on twitter baked together . Well , not actually together . We decided we 'd bake in our own homes but post photos of what we were baking to the internet . The online twitter baking party included hourly writing prompts that asked us to share memories and recipes . Somehow the prompt about heart - warming memories inspired jokes about cookies that looked like body parts . Ah , it 's the internet . Go figure . I planned to participate by talking , rather than baking . That is , after all , my usual role . I tend to sit in other people 's kitchens , entertaining them while they bake , and then offering magnanimously to test the products . I figured my usual lazy approach would be even easier in virtual reality . I could just go on twitter and type stuff about baking , rather than actually getting out flour and sugar . Besides , I had student portfolios to grade . Twitter seemed an acceptable mode of procrastination - - I 'm just going on the computer for a moment , I 'd tell myself - whereas starting a baking project in the kitchen would be admitting that I 'd abandoned the grading task altogether . The other good part about virtual baking , I figured , is that I wouldn 't have to clean afterwards . When it came right down to it . I really couldn 't get into some big baking project anyhow . I had to leave the house midday to go to a piano recital that featured Piano Teacher wearing a Santa Hat , a whole bunch of aspiring little kid pianists dressed in their holiday best , and Shaggy Hair Boy as the guest pianist at the end . All the seasonal piano music put me in the holiday spirit . The little kids played their songs with great enthusiasm . Then Shaggy Hair Boy sat down at the piano . He told the audience that he wanted to play something in honor of Dave Brubeck , who had died a few days earlier . Then he began with Take Five and continued with God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen in 5 / 4 time . His medley of holiday songs included a jazzed up version of Feliz Navidad , which he put in just to tease Piano Teacher since she says it 's a song she hates . He ended with Jingle Bell Rock . I stopped at the Castle on my way home . That 's the nickname for the little house that my daughter , her boyfriend Sailor Boy , and my son Boy - in - Black share . I don 't know why they call it that : the house looks nothing like a castle . They showed me the last of the cupcakes that Sailor Boy and Shaggy Hair Boy had made the day before : fancy tiramisu cupcakes . When I came home from the recital , I opened up my laptop computer to see that all my twitter friends were posting photos of cookies . By then I was pretty hungry . With - a - Why came home from his play rehearsal saying that he was hungry too . But he and his girlfriend said they didn 't have time to bake : they were settled on the couch with books and computers , doing homework . That 's when I gave into the twitter pressure . Everyone on the internet was eating homemade holiday treats ! Everyone except me ! So I abandoned my grading , mixed up some vegan chocolate cupcakes , and soon the house smelled good . " Are you going to put icing on them ? " With - a - Why asked as I pulled the pan of cupcakes out of the oven . He likes them plain . " I guess not , " I said . I didn 't have the patience to wait for the cupcakes to cool . We began eating them just as they were , warm and unfrosted . By the time my husband came home - he 'd had to work on a Saturday on account of his computer deciding to crash - the cupcakes were gone . The afternoon was gone too , and it was time for me to change my clothes quickly for the holiday party we were going to . For holidays and birthdays , Shaggy Hair Boy and Smiley Girl usually make each other presents rather than buy them . Homemade presents are more meaningful , and they want to take an eco - friendly approach . And also , neither one of them has any money . Shaggy Hair Boy had heard Smiley Girl talk about these glass jars that they used to have at a restaurant in her hometown . The jars had handles on them - that 's what made them cool - and they were sold , filled with spices , at the front counter . But the restaurant has since switched to plastic jars , and they no longer sell the eco - friendly glass ones . So Shaggy Hair Boy decided to try to find a jar to give to Smiley Girl for her 21st birthday . First , he checked ebay . But no one was selling the jars . It 's a small restaurant so that 's not a surprise . But he kept looking , and soon he found a cooking blog that showed the jars . He emailed the woman listed as the contact , who told him that the jars were no longer being sold . That started a chain of emails . And that 's what happened . This woman ( a total stranger ) washed out the jar that she had in her kitchen , wrapped it carefully , marked the package as " fragile " and sent it to my son . She said in her note that she was a romantic and the mother of three sons . She added , " I hope you are putting a ring in the jar . " " I 'm a romantic as well , " Shaggy Hair Boy wrote back . He told her that he and Smiley Girl will need to wait another year or so before getting engaged since they are both still in college . Then he finished making the gift . He bought a bag of starburst candies and figured out he could fit 66 into the jar . He wrote down 66 happy memories ( or things he loved about his girlfriend ) , each one on a little slip of paper , and then wrapped each candy with a memory , before putting them in the jar . The gift was a success . Smiley Girl was happy and surprised to get the jar , and she loved the little memory - wrapped candies . Shaggy Hair Boy sent a report back to the woman who had given him the jar . He added at the end : " Thank you so much for lending me your jar and maybe one day I 'll lend this jar to someone else . You are sincerely the nicest stranger I have ever met . " The woman emailed back that his sweet note had made her day . She loved the idea of him paying the favor forward someday . She added at the end , " Tell your mother that she raised a wonderful son . We mothers like to hear that . " " Let 's pick an evening and go downtown to see the Christmas tree , " my father said . I smiled when he said that because he sounded so much like my grandmother , who always loved to go downtown at Christmas time . When I was a kid , she used to take my siblings and me on a shopping trip downtown every December . In those days , the big department stores used to have windows filled with holiday decorations . So tonight I drove my parents into Snowstorm City . Little trees along the sidewalks were wrapped in white lights , and some of the brick buildings were decorated with red and green lights shaped like poinsettas . The big tree stood near the skating rink , where about a dozen folks skated in a circle . Many of the skaters seemed to be struggling just to stay upright , but they were having fun despite their lack of expertise . Two little girls clinging to the railing were laughing even as they kept falling . We walked around to admire the decorations , and we stopped at a craft store whose front window was filled with blown - glass balls hanging from the ceiling with ribbons . The woman behind the counter overheard me telling my mother the story of what Shaggy Hair Boy had gotten his girlfriend for her birthday , and she chimed into the conversation to say , " Oh , he 's soooo sweet . " We browsed through crafts made by local artists , ate some cookies from the plate set out near the window , and then walked back out into the night air . Biker Boy , who had gone running off to find his sneakers , stopped in his tracks . He didn 't say anything , just turned and looked at me . I knew right away what the book was , and I tucked it into my bag . " We 'll take a look , " I promised her . Then I looked up at Biker Boy . " But first , let 's go run around outside somewhere . Get your coat . " I got to Biker Boy 's foster home early this morning , in hopes that we could go hiking before the rain started . Temperatures were still above freezing , and most of last week 's snow had melted , leaving pockets of white in the woods . I 'd looked up some new hiking trails on the computer before I 'd left home , but Biker Boy said , " We need to go to the waterfall again . It 's a tradition . " We stopped to buy snacks ( another tradition ) and then I took a detour to look at one of the kettle lakes . It was a pretty lake , small enough for just canoes or rowboats . We passed several hand - painted signs advertising Christmas tree farms , and then we passed hillsides filled with Christmas trees , rows and rows of them spreading in all directions . We crossed the railroad track several times , with Biker Boy looking anxiously each way for trains before we drove over it . When we got to the trailhead for the waterfall hike , we were the only car . " We have the whole place to ourselves , " I told Biker Boy . We both paused to listen to the stream rushing down over rocks . " IT ' S ALL OURS ! " he yelled . He ran ahead on the trail , eager to lead the way . When we reached the waterfall , we could see chunks of ice that had melted and fallen into piles at the base of each little ledge . The rocks were slippery this week , and we both kept sliding back as we scrambled up and over them . He grinned and began throwing the chunks of ice . They smashed against the rock with a satisfying sound that echoed throughout the valley . After a few minutes , I took a second pair of gloves out of my camera bag and joined him : the thinner pieces of ice were the most fun because they crackled as they crashed . The rain began while we were still climbing around the waterfall . The rocks and dead leaves were slippery , and we were soon covered with mud from sliding down on our butts . We 'd hoped to find a trail to get to the top of the falls , but I think we went the wrong way . I probably should have looked at the trail map a little closer . By then it was lunchtime . Pizza is another tradition , and it 's an easy one to keep . Every little town in this part of the country has a pizza place . We found a pizza parlor with a friendly owner , an electric fireplace , and vinyl booths that could accommodate two hikers whose clothes were wet . Once we were done eating , I pulled from the album from my bag - - a book put together by a couple could potentially adopt him . " Want to look at this now ? " I asked . He nodded . We looked at the photos of the people , their pets , and their house . We read the carefully typed words that revealed so much longing , and Biker Boy pointed out the details that he liked the best . Adoption is a slow process , and this is just the very beginning . Biker Boy and the team of people working with him know that there are many hurdles to overcome before he ends up in a family . " It 's about 40 minutes from my house , " I said . " Don 't worry , I could visit you there . It 's near a big lake - there are lots of beautiful places on the shore of that lake . " The pizza ovens made the little diner warm , the rain made a splattering sound on the windows , and we both felt sleepy . We split another piece of pizza , just because it tasted so good , and we put the album away . There was , really , no way to predict the future . I teach writing and literature at a small science college in the northeast . My husband and I have four kids , all in their 20s . They were young when I began this blog , but now they are mostly grown up . |
We 've had a lovely , relaxed week during which we 've mostly hung around and done - - well , we 've pretty much done nothing at all , unless you consider finishing off leftover holiday food an accomplishment . We 've watched movies , played games , read books , ate cookies , sat by the fire , and put together a jigsaw puzzle . We 've got a couple feet of snow on the ground , so it 's a good time to hibernate . Our cat Rogue , who spends most of her time outside in warmer weather , has chosen the little Christmas village as a fine place for a long winter 's nap . We didn 't really do anything special . We built a fire in the fireplace . We played with the remote control car he 's chosen for his birthday present . We went outside with shovels to clear away the snow the plows had pushed into the driveway . Red - haired Niece and Blonde Niece stopped by to borrow some snowshoes on their way to Pretty Colour Lakes so we talked to them for a few minutes . I had a couple of stitches in my arm that needed to come out today , and Biker Boy watched , fascinated , while Boy - in - Black took them out with scissors and tweezers . Biker Boy had a new iPod Touch that someone ( his foster parents , I 'm assuming ) had given him for Christmas , and he was eager to figure out how to use it . He gets frustrated easily with technology , but Shaggy Hair Boy came to his rescue and patiently helped him transfer music . That 's when I figured out that we could use the little device for video chatting . It took us awhile to set up his account , but soon we had it in place . To practice , he went upstairs and I called him from my computer . Sure enough , his face appeared on my screen . " This is awesome , " he said . " I can see you ! I can see the Christmas tree ! " He was talking so loud that I could have heard him even without the computer . It was getting dark when I drove him home . Lights were going on in the farmhouses that we passed . The pine trees held big curves of white . Biker Boy held the GPS in his hands , even though I assured him I know the way by now ; he 's fascinated with the device . Once I was back in my living room , I opened my laptop , and soon his face appeared , grinning . " I can see you ! " he called out . He began panning the iPod around the room to give me a tour . " Look ! Here 's the television ! Here 's a chair ! " When Dandelion Niece and Taekwondo Nephew arrived on the morning of Christmas Eve , I put them to work immediately - chopping vegetables , ironing the white tablecloths , and carrying chairs in from the garage . We tried to figure out how many people would be here for Christmas dinner . Twenty ? Twenty - one ? Boy - in - Black , who had taken a break from cleaning to obligingly taste the baked beans , looked up from his bowl . " Maybe more barbecue sauce . Or something spicy . " He rooted through the spice drawer , pulling out cayenne and red pepper . Puzzled , I went over to the front door and opened it . She 'd hung a lovely , homemade wreath on the door on her way in . Busy with food preparations , I hadn 't even noticed . Our youngest cat is almost fourteen years old . So I 'm guessing it won 't be long before all of our cats die peaceful , natural deaths . And then after that , as God is my witness , I 'm never going to let a cat in my house again . I tried to be pro - active this holiday season and avoid feline mishaps . I don 't think anyone benefits from the tender holiday image of me swearing at the cats while wielding a bottle of Urine - off . So I did what I could . I even moved our Christmas village - wooden buildings that my parents built and painted almost thirty years ago - out from under the tree and up onto a couple of tables by the window . This maneuver was in response to an ugly incident that happened a couple of years ago when Trouble , our aptly - named male cat , directed a blast of urine at the village . ( If the village were on fire and he were a character in an eighteenth - century satire , I suppose his action would have been justified . Alas , it was not . ) This year 's incident happened on my husband 's birthday . With the house decorated for Christmas , our youngest in school , and the older kids at the castle , we planned to spend a romantic day home in front of the fire . I 'd finished my grading for the semester , my husband had a couple of days off , and snow was beginning to fall . When we woke up that morning , everything was perfect - except for a strong stench that permeated our home . " Where 's the smell coming from ? " my husband asked , picking up a couch cushion and sniffing it . " It 's somewhere in this room . " " I can 't find a wet spot , " I said . We both began frantically sniffing everything in the room . It wasn 't any of the pillows . It wasn 't the Christmas village . I could smell the odor - the whole room stank - but I couldn 't find the exact spot . We spent hours crawling around on the floor , smelling for a spot on the carpet , a urine - soaked pillow , anything . At least , it felt like hours . Time goes slowly when your living room reeks . Finally I opened the windows to let in fresh air , even though that made the room frigid . By then , I 'd pulled sweatpants and a sweatshirt on over the lingerie I was wearing for the occasion . The day was getting less and less romantic with every passing minute . We gave up and went out to lunch to get a respite from the awful smell and to stop at the pet store to buy more Urine - off . When we returned , the stench was worse than ever . I began moving things out of the room , just to eliminate them from our investigation : the pillows , the chair , stacks of piano music . We even moved the Christmas tree into the middle of the room to check the carpet underneath . " Maybe the cat peed in the heat duct ? " my husband said . " And it fills the room every time the heat goes on ? " He went down into the crawlspace to check out the furnace . I was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree , and I leaned over to breathe in the pine scent of the tree . That 's when I figured it out . That strand of garland ? Those low branches ? A whole section of the tree reeked . I grabbed my pruning shears and chopped off a branch . " I found it ! " I yelled to my husband . When he appeared , I made him smell the branch - and the strand of contaminated garland . I started hacking branches off the tree like crazy . I hacked a whole section of branches off the tree and tossed them outside . The room , thankfully , began to smell better . My husband began carrying in all the furniture and pillows we 'd tossed tossed into the kitchen during our frantic search . I began to feel optimistic . " I 'll just turn this side of the tree to the wall , " I said . " It 'll look fine . " I yanked the tree across the room , ornaments bouncing onto the carpet as I spun it into place . Then I reached down to plug in the lights . Only the very bottom stand lit : the rest of the tree was dark . I peered in at the branches as an awful thought crossed my mind . Most of the audience were in wheelchairs . But I could hear many of them singing the old familiar songs , and they applauded after every song . They even laughed at the corny jokes my husband told as he introduced each number . Shaggy Hair Boy stayed at the piano , flipping the pages of Christmas music and playing . With - a - Why , Shy Smile , and my husband sang , and sometimes they jingled bells . I stayed in the audience next to my mother - in - law . She doesn 't have enough strength in her arms to clap her hands , but she whispered to me that she was proud . They sang for an hour , and then it was time for the staff to start wheeling the residents back to the rooms so they could prepare the dining room for the evening meal . When we got home , the boys went immediately to the piano to continue playing and singing . They perform with or without an audience . We all went to see the play at the local high school : my kids , my parents , Blonde Sister and her family , a bunch of our extras , even Brooklyn Friend . In fact , we bought 42 tickets altogether over the three nights that the play ran . My husband and I saw it three times . Longtime readers probably remember my stories about how shy With - a - Why was a child . Throughout first grade , he never said a single word to the teacher . Not one word . And even as a teenager , he often hid behind his long hair . But music has drawn him gradually out . Piano Teacher was one of the first adults outside of the family that he would talk to . With her encouragement , he played recitals and exams often enough that he was no longer intimidated playing in front of an audience . Playing the piano was a way for a quiet child to express himself . My father takes credit for discovering that With - a - Why could sing . When he , Shaggy Hair Boy , and With - a - Why got together for jam sessions , he started giving With - a - Why some vocals . Then Choir Teacher convinced him to join the high school choir , invited him into the select Chamber Choir , set him up with voice lessons , and eventually began asking him to sing in front of people . Music drew him to the high school play , and being in that play was a transformative experience . He even cut his hair for the part - and donated 18 inches of fine , black hair to a charity . The day he returned to school with short hair , Drama Teacher stopped me in the hall to say , " Thank you for cutting his hair ! " Then she added , " You should see the attention he 's getting from the girls . " Hanging out with the bunch of creative , expressive students who are drawn to drama club turned out to be just what With - a - Why needed . I 've watched these last couple of months as the last vestiges of his shyness disappeared . He played Ralph Sheldrake , a fast - talking Big City professional . Not exactly the part I 'd give a shy , small - town boy . But onstage , dressed sometimes in a suit and sometimes in a uniform , he delivered his lines with confidence , just like a smooth - talking Ladies ' Man . He sang beautifully , and even danced at the end . " He didn 't seem shy up there at all , did he ? " Drama Teacher said to me afterwards . I could tell that she and Choir Teacher , as well as Piano Teacher who had come to watch the show , were all proud of how he 's blossomed . I wanted to put all three teachers up on the stage and give them a round of applause for what a difference they 've made in one young man 's life . The drive from Biker Boy 's foster home to my house takes about 45 minutes . That gave Biker Boy and me time alone to talk in the car this morning . He told me about stuff that had happened to him over the last week , and then he said , " I know about the shooting - - the kids getting killed . " I glanced over at his face . " I wondered how much you knew , " I said . He 's eleven , so I figured he would have heard the horrifying news . He said his foster father had talked to him about it . " It 's really sad , " he said . " But there were good people there too . Like teachers who tried to save kids and hide them and stuff . Just one person who was shooting , but the other grown - ups wanted to stop him . " Unlike most of the adults I 've talked to since Friday , he didn 't express any shock or disbelief . He didn 't say , " I can 't believe something like this could happen . " He 's eleven , but he already knows that unspeakably bad things happen to kids . He 's known that since he was small . We talked as we drove past cornfields and red barns . But once we pulled into my driveway , we agreed to stop talking about topics that made us sad . It was time for a comforting seasonal ritual : getting our Christmas tree . Once we were in the house , I made Biker Boy a cup of cocoa . Brooklyn Friend had come in for the weekend and she was already drinking a cup of hot tea . While we waited for my husband to get home from the gym , we ate cookies and moved furniture to make room for the Christmas tree . With - a - Why stopped texting his girlfriend long enough to play the piano - songs from the Charlie Brown Christmas special . We went to the same Christmas tree stand we always go to . The family who owns it are super nice . I like to walk through the rows of freshly cut trees , smelling them . Biker Boy likes to run up to each tree and yell , " This one ! Can we buy this one ? " and then change his mind two seconds later . Back at the house , we ate pizza ( it 's a tradition ) and built a fire ( another tradition ) . My daughter and Sailor Boy came over to help decorate - or rather watch while Biker Boy and I decorated the tree . Shaggy Hair Boy played Christmas music on the piano . We ended the day with a feast of Italian food that my husband picked up from a local restaurant . At a holiday party on Saturday night , I wandered into the kitchen , where the best conversations always take place . Sure enough , a bunch of my friends were gathered by the stove , chomping on Christmas cookies while they talked . A long - time friend , Warm Smile , was explaining the Secret Santa tradition her extended family - about 30 relatives in all - chooses to do each holiday season instead of traditional gift - giving . " My sister - in - law takes all of our names and pairs us up . So we get a buddy , " she said . " This year , for example , I 'm paired with my nephew . " The pairings are top secret . No one is supposed to know who your partner is . " But we talk to each other - each pair - and we tell our partners what kind of charitable contribution to make , " she said . " So you don 't buy gifts ? " asked Christmas Sweater , helping herself to some taco dip . " Nope , " Warm Smile said . " And the rule is that you can 't just donate money to the Sierra Club or some organization . It has to be a gift of time . " For instance , an aunt could be paired with a teenage nephew . She could tell him that she worried about families who go hungry . He could respond by agreeing to volunteer in a local soup kitchen or help out with a canned food drive . Then he could tell her that he wanted to do something about the environment . She could agree to volunteer to be on a committee at her church that 's looking to install solar panels on the roof . " We talk over options until we figure something out , " she said . " Oh , we all tell my sister - in - law , and then she publishes a family newsletter . It 's fun to see what everyone did , " Warm Smile said . " It 's really so much rewarding than opening presents . " Posted by Saturday was # DigiBakeDay . That meant that a bunch of my friends on twitter baked together . Well , not actually together . We decided we 'd bake in our own homes but post photos of what we were baking to the internet . The online twitter baking party included hourly writing prompts that asked us to share memories and recipes . Somehow the prompt about heart - warming memories inspired jokes about cookies that looked like body parts . Ah , it 's the internet . Go figure . I planned to participate by talking , rather than baking . That is , after all , my usual role . I tend to sit in other people 's kitchens , entertaining them while they bake , and then offering magnanimously to test the products . I figured my usual lazy approach would be even easier in virtual reality . I could just go on twitter and type stuff about baking , rather than actually getting out flour and sugar . Besides , I had student portfolios to grade . Twitter seemed an acceptable mode of procrastination - - I 'm just going on the computer for a moment , I 'd tell myself - whereas starting a baking project in the kitchen would be admitting that I 'd abandoned the grading task altogether . The other good part about virtual baking , I figured , is that I wouldn 't have to clean afterwards . When it came right down to it . I really couldn 't get into some big baking project anyhow . I had to leave the house midday to go to a piano recital that featured Piano Teacher wearing a Santa Hat , a whole bunch of aspiring little kid pianists dressed in their holiday best , and Shaggy Hair Boy as the guest pianist at the end . All the seasonal piano music put me in the holiday spirit . The little kids played their songs with great enthusiasm . Then Shaggy Hair Boy sat down at the piano . He told the audience that he wanted to play something in honor of Dave Brubeck , who had died a few days earlier . Then he began with Take Five and continued with God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen in 5 / 4 time . His medley of holiday songs included a jazzed up version of Feliz Navidad , which he put in just to tease Piano Teacher since she says it 's a song she hates . He ended with Jingle Bell Rock . I stopped at the Castle on my way home . That 's the nickname for the little house that my daughter , her boyfriend Sailor Boy , and my son Boy - in - Black share . I don 't know why they call it that : the house looks nothing like a castle . They showed me the last of the cupcakes that Sailor Boy and Shaggy Hair Boy had made the day before : fancy tiramisu cupcakes . When I came home from the recital , I opened up my laptop computer to see that all my twitter friends were posting photos of cookies . By then I was pretty hungry . With - a - Why came home from his play rehearsal saying that he was hungry too . But he and his girlfriend said they didn 't have time to bake : they were settled on the couch with books and computers , doing homework . That 's when I gave into the twitter pressure . Everyone on the internet was eating homemade holiday treats ! Everyone except me ! So I abandoned my grading , mixed up some vegan chocolate cupcakes , and soon the house smelled good . " Are you going to put icing on them ? " With - a - Why asked as I pulled the pan of cupcakes out of the oven . He likes them plain . " I guess not , " I said . I didn 't have the patience to wait for the cupcakes to cool . We began eating them just as they were , warm and unfrosted . By the time my husband came home - he 'd had to work on a Saturday on account of his computer deciding to crash - the cupcakes were gone . The afternoon was gone too , and it was time for me to change my clothes quickly for the holiday party we were going to . For holidays and birthdays , Shaggy Hair Boy and Smiley Girl usually make each other presents rather than buy them . Homemade presents are more meaningful , and they want to take an eco - friendly approach . And also , neither one of them has any money . Shaggy Hair Boy had heard Smiley Girl talk about these glass jars that they used to have at a restaurant in her hometown . The jars had handles on them - that 's what made them cool - and they were sold , filled with spices , at the front counter . But the restaurant has since switched to plastic jars , and they no longer sell the eco - friendly glass ones . So Shaggy Hair Boy decided to try to find a jar to give to Smiley Girl for her 21st birthday . First , he checked ebay . But no one was selling the jars . It 's a small restaurant so that 's not a surprise . But he kept looking , and soon he found a cooking blog that showed the jars . He emailed the woman listed as the contact , who told him that the jars were no longer being sold . That started a chain of emails . And that 's what happened . This woman ( a total stranger ) washed out the jar that she had in her kitchen , wrapped it carefully , marked the package as " fragile " and sent it to my son . She said in her note that she was a romantic and the mother of three sons . She added , " I hope you are putting a ring in the jar . " " I 'm a romantic as well , " Shaggy Hair Boy wrote back . He told her that he and Smiley Girl will need to wait another year or so before getting engaged since they are both still in college . Then he finished making the gift . He bought a bag of starburst candies and figured out he could fit 66 into the jar . He wrote down 66 happy memories ( or things he loved about his girlfriend ) , each one on a little slip of paper , and then wrapped each candy with a memory , before putting them in the jar . The gift was a success . Smiley Girl was happy and surprised to get the jar , and she loved the little memory - wrapped candies . Shaggy Hair Boy sent a report back to the woman who had given him the jar . He added at the end : " Thank you so much for lending me your jar and maybe one day I 'll lend this jar to someone else . You are sincerely the nicest stranger I have ever met . " The woman emailed back that his sweet note had made her day . She loved the idea of him paying the favor forward someday . She added at the end , " Tell your mother that she raised a wonderful son . We mothers like to hear that . " " Let 's pick an evening and go downtown to see the Christmas tree , " my father said . I smiled when he said that because he sounded so much like my grandmother , who always loved to go downtown at Christmas time . When I was a kid , she used to take my siblings and me on a shopping trip downtown every December . In those days , the big department stores used to have windows filled with holiday decorations . So tonight I drove my parents into Snowstorm City . Little trees along the sidewalks were wrapped in white lights , and some of the brick buildings were decorated with red and green lights shaped like poinsettas . The big tree stood near the skating rink , where about a dozen folks skated in a circle . Many of the skaters seemed to be struggling just to stay upright , but they were having fun despite their lack of expertise . Two little girls clinging to the railing were laughing even as they kept falling . We walked around to admire the decorations , and we stopped at a craft store whose front window was filled with blown - glass balls hanging from the ceiling with ribbons . The woman behind the counter overheard me telling my mother the story of what Shaggy Hair Boy had gotten his girlfriend for her birthday , and she chimed into the conversation to say , " Oh , he 's soooo sweet . " We browsed through crafts made by local artists , ate some cookies from the plate set out near the window , and then walked back out into the night air . Biker Boy , who had gone running off to find his sneakers , stopped in his tracks . He didn 't say anything , just turned and looked at me . I knew right away what the book was , and I tucked it into my bag . " We 'll take a look , " I promised her . Then I looked up at Biker Boy . " But first , let 's go run around outside somewhere . Get your coat . " I got to Biker Boy 's foster home early this morning , in hopes that we could go hiking before the rain started . Temperatures were still above freezing , and most of last week 's snow had melted , leaving pockets of white in the woods . I 'd looked up some new hiking trails on the computer before I 'd left home , but Biker Boy said , " We need to go to the waterfall again . It 's a tradition . " We stopped to buy snacks ( another tradition ) and then I took a detour to look at one of the kettle lakes . It was a pretty lake , small enough for just canoes or rowboats . We passed several hand - painted signs advertising Christmas tree farms , and then we passed hillsides filled with Christmas trees , rows and rows of them spreading in all directions . We crossed the railroad track several times , with Biker Boy looking anxiously each way for trains before we drove over it . When we got to the trailhead for the waterfall hike , we were the only car . " We have the whole place to ourselves , " I told Biker Boy . We both paused to listen to the stream rushing down over rocks . " IT ' S ALL OURS ! " he yelled . He ran ahead on the trail , eager to lead the way . When we reached the waterfall , we could see chunks of ice that had melted and fallen into piles at the base of each little ledge . The rocks were slippery this week , and we both kept sliding back as we scrambled up and over them . He grinned and began throwing the chunks of ice . They smashed against the rock with a satisfying sound that echoed throughout the valley . After a few minutes , I took a second pair of gloves out of my camera bag and joined him : the thinner pieces of ice were the most fun because they crackled as they crashed . The rain began while we were still climbing around the waterfall . The rocks and dead leaves were slippery , and we were soon covered with mud from sliding down on our butts . We 'd hoped to find a trail to get to the top of the falls , but I think we went the wrong way . I probably should have looked at the trail map a little closer . By then it was lunchtime . Pizza is another tradition , and it 's an easy one to keep . Every little town in this part of the country has a pizza place . We found a pizza parlor with a friendly owner , an electric fireplace , and vinyl booths that could accommodate two hikers whose clothes were wet . Once we were done eating , I pulled from the album from my bag - - a book put together by a couple could potentially adopt him . " Want to look at this now ? " I asked . He nodded . We looked at the photos of the people , their pets , and their house . We read the carefully typed words that revealed so much longing , and Biker Boy pointed out the details that he liked the best . Adoption is a slow process , and this is just the very beginning . Biker Boy and the team of people working with him know that there are many hurdles to overcome before he ends up in a family . " It 's about 40 minutes from my house , " I said . " Don 't worry , I could visit you there . It 's near a big lake - there are lots of beautiful places on the shore of that lake . " The pizza ovens made the little diner warm , the rain made a splattering sound on the windows , and we both felt sleepy . We split another piece of pizza , just because it tasted so good , and we put the album away . There was , really , no way to predict the future . I teach writing and literature at a small science college in the northeast . My husband and I have four kids , all in their 20s . They were young when I began this blog , but now they are mostly grown up . |
Customer : I mean , it 's a big store . I can 't imagine how much it costs to heat and air condition , it must cost a fortune . It 's a huge store . Just the land must be hugely expensive . So I want to know , why does your management bother having that giant brick - and - mortar store if they 're just going to put everything on their website ? Kelsey : Well it 's a circular base . So you would measure it from tip to tip , and that 's 26 inches . It 's 19 inches high and 26 inches wide . I don 't know , how can you tell from a tiny magazine photo if it 's a good fit or not ? Cheese and crackers , I spent the rest of the conversation explaining that no , you have to pay for the chandelier before anyone will ship it anywhere . I just . After the conversation ended , I just had to sit back and think about the fact that this woman called to complain that we have a website . Anyway , I am sick . I don 't know why . For the past week , I have been experiencing nausea . I 'll stand and make phone calls and I 'll have to pause and put a hand over my mouth because I just experienced a sudden , intense wave of sickness . I haven 't thrown up or anything , but I just … I just feel overwhelmed by the sickness or something and I have to sit down or put my head in my hands . I also have some heartburn and I feel flush and warm sometimes , but mostly it 's the nausea . I remember when I was on the verge of turning 26 and I mentioned to Mom that hey maybe I didn 't need health insurance , and she said , " Remember when you randomly got hives for weeks on end ? You just get sick ! You need health insurance ! " What 's weird about this is that while eating definitely makes the symptoms worse , it doesn 't matter what food I actually eat . I tried to deal with the problem by eating small meals made of up mild foods , like rice and crackers . Then one day I snapped and had James take me out for Mexican food . I had exactly the same after - meal nausea . So this morning when I nearly threw up trying to process an appliance refund , I decided that I would wait until my mid - shift coverage arrived , and then I would go to the doctor . Because seriously , it has been a week and there is just no sign of stopping . It has been long enough that I can classify " good days " and " bad days " and today was a " medium day " while yesterday was a " good day " and the day before was a " bad day " . Fortunately Home Depot understood because Home Depot has very good management . I went to the urgent care closest to my townhouse . They did the tests : I have a very mild fever ( I am normally in the upper 97s but am currently in the mid - 98s ) . I explained my symptoms in between belching because goodness gracious whatever it is that I have gives me gas . And now I 'm sitting here waiting for my body to finish processing my lunch . After I finish this post , I 'm going to make some phone calls , get the utilities for the new house set up because we close on Friday . Then I guess I 'll do word puzzles until I feel okay enough to start sorting books and packing . So Deb was out of the hospital , and now she 's back in the hospital . But today they decided that she was doing well enough that they could take her breathing tube out , if her family agreed . Deb is sick of having the tube out , so James agreed , provided that someone in the family was there . Since I got off work at noon , I volunteered to go to the hospital . I showed up around 3 : 00 , and they removed the tube at 3 : 10 . It went swimmingly . At least I assume it went swimmingly . Once the respiratory specialists showed up to take the tube out , I was ushered out of the room . I chatted with a nurse about a new movie theater in town , but mostly I just stood in the lobby of the ICU , trying not to look casual . The room next to Deb 's has way comfier - looking chairs than the ones in Deb 's room . I plotted . Anyway , the tube removal went swimmingly . I took out my book of word puzzles and a pencil and began working on a puzzle . After a few minutes , Deb began murmuring . I went to her . Because of the damage from the breathing tube , her voice was really shallow and hushed ; I could only pick out a few words . I finally managed to get " forgot the handle " out of her . It sounded medicalish , so I went and found a nurse . " She 's saying something about a handle ? " " Well you 're at the hospital . You 're in your hospital bed . " The nurse produced her staff badges as proof . Deb studied them , and reluctantly agreed that she was , indeed , in the hospital , and not at her friend 's house . The nurse smiled and said that James would arrive soon . The nurse told me that , as Deb was getting off of the sedatives , she was going to be a bit loopy . Whenever she got like this , we just had to explain nicely that she was in the hospital and that everything was okay . So Deb coughed and moved her hands from her lap to her mouth , and I did word puzzles . I checked on her toes to make sure they were covered up ( they were ) , and I brought her tissues and a washcloth when she asked . I also had to keep pulling the sleeves of her gown up , to keep her modesty . I looked up from my word puzzles one time to see her gesturing at the remote on her lap . It was a TV remote , but it also had the giant red button asking for a nurse . It 's plugged into the room . There was no plate . Deb hasn 't had solid food for days . Surely I had misheard . I leaned in closer and asked her to repeat what she had said . I had difficulty looking at her for a while , I was so embarrassed over how I handled her hallucinations . When I looked up , she was carrying on a conversation with the wall . She didn 't seem to need anything , and indeed seemed quite happy , so I buckled down and focused on my work puzzle . I sucked in my breath . I was supposed to remind her that she was hallucinating , but I really couldn 't do it . " Don 't worry about it , " I said . " James and I came in separate cars . I drove myself here , so I 'll drive myself home . James isn 't even here , but he 'll be here soon . You just get some rest . " Deb nodded and went back to coughing and dabbing at her mouth . She started drifting in and out of sleep . I texted Lacey and asked if it was okay that I found Deb 's hallucinations funny . I wasn 't laughing , but I thought it was pretty funny anyway . But they shouldn 't be funny , right ? She was hallucinating . Lacey replied that it was okay to use humor to deal with stress . Deb would probably find it funny , too , once she was all better . Finally James did show up . He checked up on Deb , talked with the nurse , helped Deb get comfy , then helped me finish my word puzzle . We chatted about how she had been for the past few hours . I took off the ace bandage on my ankle , and we reapplied it while we explained to Deb that I had sprained it . And somehow I started talking about how my sisters are doing and how Katie and I are going to take our children to art museums . Eventually Deb 's sister , Lynette , showed up , and James and I went to dinner . When we returned , I left , as I had been at the hospital for five hours , it was 8 : 00 , and I had been up since 3 : 30AM . I said goodbye to Deb . So because of my tailbone , I 've been sitting with my legs at weird angles , so as to not put pressure on my tailbone . It 's been hurting less and less , so now I can sit almost normally for short periods of time . One of the most comfortable ways for me to sit in a chair is sitting on one foot . This puts my bodyweight all on one buttcheek , away from my tailbone . It 's fine . I 've done it a ton of times in the past few weeks . So last night I had a normal dinner ( chicken tenders and frozen veggies ) . I played SimCity and Plants vs . Zombies . Then I decided it was time to clean up , so I stood up , not realizing how completely dead my left foot was from sitting on it for a while . My leg completely folded under me , and down I went . I screamed in pain for a minute or so . I inspected my foot and saw how swollen it was . I tried to rotate my ankle , but it didn 't move very far . I had definitely heard a noise from my ankle as I went down - was it a crack ? A snap ? I called 911 . I felt like an idiot for doing so , since I wasn 't , like , dying , or anything . But I couldn 't stand . I had heard a sound . I actually had to crawl up the stairs to the bedroom to get to my phone . I had never called 911 , but I told myself that I wasn 't a prank caller , at the very least . I had thought I would start by stating my emergency , but actually the first question out of the dispatcher was " what is your location ? " I gave her my address . Then my phone number . Then my name ( do I say Hancher or Meyers ? I went with Hancher ) Then I explained that I had fallen and hurt my ankle . She asked if I had any free - roaming pets ( yes , so get them locked away ) . Did I feel safe hanging up ? Yeah , like , it 's just my ankle ( it 's not like I was getting murdered ) . Okay , make sure to pack up any medications in case they have to take you to the hospital . Feel free to call back if I needed further assistance . Fortunately Cornelius had been following me around , so it was easy to just take my phone and crawl out of the bedroom , then shut the door behind me . I sat on the stairs and hopped down , then grabbed my medication and my crossword puzzle book and put them both in my purse . Then I crawled over to the recliner and grabbed my Hamilton biography and then crawled over and set that next to my purse . I decided I didn 't want to be seen in my pajamas by the ambulance people ( you know , just so I didn 't look so much like a screw - up ) , so I crawled back upstairs and exchanged my pajama pants for jeans . Then I slid back downstairs , unlocked the front door , turned on the front light , and then sat on the stairs and waited . Well , I called James and told him not to panic if he came home and there was an ambulance . It was my ankle , not anything serious . He sounded tense . Well , of course he was tense . His mother is in the hospital and his wife called an ambulance . After a few minutes I noticed that my ankle didn 't hurt nearly as bad . It was still really , really swollen , but it didn 't hurt . So I stood on it . I could stand on it , but I couldn 't really walk . It could share my weight , but it couldn 't hold all my weight . What was that weird noise from when I fell down ? Maybe it was just the same sound that comes from when you crack your knuckles . They checked me out anyway . They agreed that I had really , really bad swelling . They had me rotate my ankle ( I was able to move it way farther than a few minutes prior , which I pointed out ) . They had me stand on both feet . The fact that I could do just that was a really good sign that it wasn 't broken . They had me sit on the recliner . The woman asked me questions while the man took my vitals from a weird boombox - looking machine . I could remember the name of my doctor but not her practice ( but I assured that I couldn 't remember that in the best of times , I always have to look it up ) . I told her my birthday and reiterated my phone number . I had to tell them that I took Sertraline for depression . I told them that I had recently sprained my toe , and broken my tailbone and my ring finger . Here 's the part I regret : I said no . I genuinely thought it was just a bad sprain and that an X - ray wasn 't necessary . So they wrapped up my ankle in an Ace bandage and gave me an ice pack and left . But today I want an X - ray . I want to know if it 's broken or just sprained . I want crutches in any case , because I can 't walk around a whole lot and that 's getting really old really fast . I have work at 5 : 00 and I want to be able to tell my managers what it definitely is when I call them . I think I could drive , but I don 't know how to get to my car , or if I should call 911 and say " hey , can you drive me to the hospital ? " or if I should call a taxi . I don 't think I need an ER , but I should visit Urgent Care . James is being great . He fed the cat and put my phone on the charger and offered to make breakfast for me , until I said that that would involve making coffee . He helped me get settled on the couch last night with my computer and painkillers and water and a heating pad . He clipped Cornelius ' toenails when I complained that his back paws were hurting me ( at one point he did the head bump thing with Cornelius and it was so cute ) . But James had to go to work . * Once , I called a non - emergency number , because I got cat medication in my eye back when I first got Marty McFly . But that was a non - emergency number and the answer was " does it hurt ? No ? Okay well flush your eyes out and call us back in a week to let us know how it goes . " My grandmother died in August 2009 . She had been very sick for a long time , and when it came time , her insides were eating her , slowly shutting down one by one . It was time . I remember how swollen she was ; she had always been a slender woman , and in her later years her skin had become delicate and paper - like . The woman on the bed before me didn 't seem like my grandmother at all , a red , swollen , Gramma - shaped creature . We all arrived at the hospital to say goodbye , and to watch her die . My grandfather told us that someone had to hold her hand at all times , so that she wouldn 't feel alone . I replied that hearing is actually the last sense to go , and so talking to her would be better . Grampa snapped at me for being so cold . I felt stung and walked away sulking , but I know now why he snapped at me . She died surrounded by her family ; her husband , her two children , their spouses , several of her grandchildren . Unable to come up with words , we took turns reading the Bible aloud . When all of our voices gave out , we sat in silence , watching her chest rise and fall , less and less and less . Two hours had passed . Most of James ' family did not attend our wedding . They live several hours away and have small children , so it made sense . We invited them , but didn 't expect them to attend . But at the last minute , several of the Yesses on his side of the family dropped out . Even one of his groomsmen cancelled . James ' grandfather was dying , and most of them felt it was more important to say goodbye to him than to see James married . Which made sense . If we weren 't getting married that weekend , James probably would have gone to see his grandfather as well . My grandfather 's girlfriend also wasn 't able to attend . She was still recovering from surgery . In fact , she 's still in recovery . We were able to see her the next day after the wedding though , which was wonderful , because she 's a lovely human being . I don 't think I 've mentioned this in a public setting ever , but James ' mother has been in and out of the hospital for the past four years . It was a trial for her to be able to attend our wedding . But James is her only son , goshdarnit , and Deb was bound and determined to attend . Deb was admitted to the hospital while we were on our honeymoon . She ordered everyone not to tell us because she didn 't want to disrupt our honeymoon . We found out as soon as we came back . Today , her spasms returned with a vengeance . We spent five hours in the hospital with her today , doing what we could to ease her pain . She took a strong painkiller , but she was too tense to have it actually work . She panted and squirmed and shook on the bed . We helped her with her bedpan . I waved a magazine , hoping to cool her down . We helped her drink water through a straw . James helped bend her legs at the knee , hoping to ease the tension . It didn 't . Nothing helped . For five or more hours , Deb could do nothing but sweat and writhe in pain on the hospital bed . I took a break and got some coffee from the Starbucks downstairs . I did a crossword puzzle . I watched Deb gasp into the phone that she wanted a strawberry milkshake for dinner . The nurses arrived to try to get a liquid painkiller in her , so we left and sat outside the room . We listened as the nurses struggled to get an IV in her , but she couldn 't stop shaking . I worked some more on the crossword puzzle , sipping the coffee and trying to think of something , anything . I looked down at Deb . She gasped and shook with pain . The spasms were much less violent , but they were still there , and they were still painful . Starbucks is currently running a contest among its partners . We try out all the new , secret frappuccino flavors , and I guess that the most popular flavor gets put on the menu ? Maybe ? All I know is there 's a chart where you write which one is your favorite . So far I 've tried Lemonade Frappuccino ( meh ) and Cinnamon Bun Frappuccino ( white mocha was overpowering - caramel would have been better ) . Today I decided to try out the Red Velvet Frappuccino . Red Velvet is actually regular chocolate dyed red , but I figured that wouldn 't be a big deal . I would just replace it with white chocolate mocha . So I measured out and then poured in the milk , ice , base , 3 pumps of white mocha , 2 pumps of vanilla , 1 pump of raspberry , and then I hesitated . The recipe called for frappuccino chips , which are just chunks of dark chocolate . I considered . On the one hand , they 're chocolate , and that could make me sick . On the other hand , the recipe called for the chips , I had already deviated from the recipe , and I have chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream without any problem . So I tossed two scoops of chips into the blender as well . This was a mistake . Within an hour I started feeling a little dizzy . I started getting a little achey in the head . I thought eating lunch would make me feel better - get more things in my system that aren 't chocolate . I was wrong . By the time I came back from lunch , I felt worse , and the longer I stood on my feet the weaker and achier I felt . I could feel my stomach swarm . I asked permission to leave , got it , and left with three hours left in my shift . Today is James ' day off , and he was confused when I got home . When I told him that I had eaten chocolate , he looked concerned at the garbage bag in my hand . " Oh , no , those are coffee grounds for the garden , " I said . " I wouldn 't bring home a bag of my own vomit . " I laid in bed with my heating pad and let my legs and shoulders stick out . I couldn 't look at the ceiling fan . The movement made me sick . I sat in bed and burped and winced in pain every time my head moved . This food sensitivity was diagnosed twenty years ago . For twenty years now , I 've been so good . I 've avoided chocolate and yellow cheese and hot dogs . I 've found other foods that make me sick , like pepperoni , sausage , and anything from Subway ( although they don 't make me feel as sick as those chips made me feel ) . Like I said before , I eat chocolate chip cookie dough , and I 've even eaten ice cream sandwiches without a problem . I haven 't had a reaction like this in twenty years . I actually felt a little scared when I was laying in bed . I hadn 't dealt with this in so long . I had almost become convinced that I didn 't have the food sensitivity anymore . I don 't know what would happen . What did I do when I was feeling so sick ? I remember laying in bed with the covers over my head . How long would this last ? Would there be long stretches of pain ? Did I feel this hot inside when I was eight ? Would I be able to keep anything down ? So far I 've kept the painkillers down . I 'm just laying on the futon now . I 'm going to write some more of the fairy tale story . I was having trouble for a while , feeling blocked because I couldn 't figure out how to make the physician interesting . Which was weird , because he 's an unimportant character . But I did some research on humorism and bloodletting , and I feel more comfortable now . I can write again . Maybe I 'll work on Pizza Boy too . I 'll have some soup tonight , and I should be okay by tomorrow . - James and I moved to a townhouse ! We 've been here for ten days now , and it 's been great . We have so much space . We can fit all of our furniture here . The most difficult part was getting the kitchen fixed up . We hadn 't realized how little storage this place has , so we had to buy a bunch of shelves . - Every time I sit down to start a blog entry , I started writing fiction instead . Which is good . Except for the fact that I went a month without updating . Will my future children want to look at this blog and see what all of my thoughts were when their father and I were moving ? ( no ) - We bought a wedding dress ! It is beautiful ! Now I have to pick a printer for the Save - the - Dates and start working with my Ladies to pick out their dresses . The process of picking out the dress could be the fodder of so many blog entries , but , alas , that stuff has to be secret . - I finally sought help for my depression . I visited an independent doctor ( hard to find in this area , the intersection of UNC and Duke ) . My doctor introduced herself and explained the concept of the clinic ( less patients , more time with each patient ) . We went through all the symptoms of anxiety and depression , and yes : I have anxiety and depression . Not a severe case , but definitely a case . So she prescribed regular exercise , medication , and visiting a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist . Something I was surprised to learn : my tendency to not want to get out of bed is a fairly common sign of depression . My tendency to not want to leave my car when I get to my destination ? My inability to get off the couch when I 'm hungry or have to pee and want to get up , but can 't ? That is exactly the same symptom . Who knew ? Asking about any sort of magic would look suspicious , and for days Martha was held up by not knowing how to proceed . In her twenty - two years of governing , she had never had a problem like this before . She turned the question over in her mind . She would be tickling Lily and start wondering if the local laundry girls would know anything . Hyacinth would take her two girls out for walks and would start making sniping statements , but Martha would be wondering if the local coven had some sort of signal to signify a meeting , and if so , what could it be ? The answer came rather undramatically . Lily woke up one morning red in the face , coughing , and hot as an oven . Martha and Dawn worried over Lily while waiting for the physician . For a while Martha forgot about the frog and the witches . The physician explained it was just a sort of generic fever . He prescribed fluids , and stated that the room be kept as hot as possible to help the fever along . They were to summon him if the fever became any worse . She tore off a small piece of bread from Lily 's bedside and put it in front of Froggy . Froggy considered the bread , then snatched it up . " He won 't eat bugs , " she added . " The sisters meet at the full moon where the tributary meets the river , " said the physician . " Speak of this to no one . " Dawn and handmaiden entered the apartment . The physician said , louder , " Keep me informed on your girl 's condition , and make sure she stays in bed . Little girls get antsy after too much rest . " I am a terrible writer . Just the worst . I don 't want to be blunt . I want to be light . I want to be like Jane Austen . I want to write sentences backwards just to point fun at social conventions . Believe it or not ( especially given this example ) , my main writing strength is in dialogue . I couldn 't think of a way to get all this information across lightly . So I 've had to step back from wanting to write well and convince myself to just write . It might help that I joined a writer 's circle . They gave me a lot of good advice on improving a scene I 've been struggling with in Pizza Boy and Maggie . I was in DC for a few days ! I didn 't get to see a lot of people . But that 's okay ! It was for my birthday , and for my birthday I wanted to see my family , especially my favorite twin sister . I took the train up , and let me tell you : I love traveling via train . Like plane rides , someone else is driving ( score one over cars ) . However , the seats are bigger , you have a little bit more legroom , and it 's easier / less annoying to fellow passengers if you get up and walk around . You also have somewhere to walk to ! It 's the dining car . Which is great : you don 't have to sit and wait for a flight attendant . You are your own master . Plus , for some reason the actual act of flying always leaves my body stressed . I can 't relax or sleep on a plane , no matter how comfortable I get or how much I read or distract myself . There 's something about the pressure your body is under that stresses me out . I remember going to Europe with Lacey and Beth . We were on an overnight flight from New York to Heathrow to Berlin . I was awake the whole time . As soon as we got on the train to go to Paris ? I was out like a light . I remember another time , flying from London to New York to Dulles . I was absolutely , devastatingly exhausted , but I could not fall asleep on the plane . I started hallucinating . Anyway ! So I took the train to DC which was very convenient . I carried my sister 's present onto the train with me ; the ticket person warned me that the conductor might not let me ( it 's a painting with a glass cover , the ticket person was worried it would break in a crash and make things worse ) . I had already started texting Lacey about back - up plans in case I wasn 't able to bring her present with me , but the conductor didn 't even glance at it as I walked onto the train . Thankfully , because of the awkward size of the painting , absolutely no one sat next to me the entire trip . I tried to make room as best I could , but no one sat with me . I could spread out , leave my stuff on the extra seat , and stretch out my legs . I finished the first half of translations for Chapter Seven in my Latin textbook . After I had done all my translations , I carried my Julius Caesar biography ( given to me by the handsome James Meyers ) into the dining car to have lunch . Another passenger and I waited together while the dining car attendant worked with the microwave . It was the first of … well of a few times that I was mistaken for a college student . I suppose it made sense . I look young for my age , I had been doing work out of a textbook , and I was carrying around a biography . All common signs of a college student . Lacey met me at the train station , helped me get my bags , and lead me through the metro system to Ballston , where we met Mom and headed to Tysons . Lacey is more comfortable with the metro than I am . I was convinced that I hadn 't entered the system legally ( perhaps jumping on her open entry ? ) but apparently I did enter legally . All was well . The food at Tysons was excellent and the company was even better ( the parents and the twin sister ! ) . After dinner Dad headed home , but Mom , Lacey , and I explored Barnes and Noble . I bought two new biographies to add to my collection , and Mom bought a birthday present for me . It 's not every day that you want to call up your mother and say " you know that present you got for me less than a week ago ? I wiped my dirty shoes on it and broke it nearly in two . " I am so happy . But of course I cannot call up my mother . Lacey drove over my phone . It was an accident , of course : I dropped my phone unknowingly by her car and so she drove over my cell phone with absolutely no idea that it was there . It is absolutely gone , dying alone and broken in the cold Arlington snow . It was a jerk anyway . Then we went and got ourselves cultured like red wine and gruyere . First we attended Taffety Punk 's annual Riot Grrls . A few years ago , Shakespeare Theater Company in DC did an all - male version of Romeo and Juliet . Annoyed that women were once again being denied good acting roles , Taffety Punk threw together a quick all - female version of Romeo and Juliet , which turned out so successful that every year they do an all - female production of a Shakespeare show under the name Riot Grrrls . All but one of the principle actresses had been in last year 's Titus Andronicus , so it was interesting , this year , to see them play new roles . Only one of them ( the woman playing Miranda ) played a really similar role to last year . Last year 's Lavinia was this year 's Miranda . Both roles clearly are girly - girl types , but Lavinia is a mostly silent role dealing with death , despair , frustration , fear , anger , and sadness , while Miranda is a blithe spirit who loves everything all the time and is so happy . The actress was clearly more comfortable playing the sailor Trinculo , who was drunk and petty . Lacey , meanwhile , found it interesting to watch the quality of performances diverge between actors playing multiple roles : Ferdinand and Sebastian were played by the same person , which works with clever staging . She played Ferdinand straight and dull ( to Lacey 's annoyance ) but found her Sebastian to be sardonic and hilarious . I absolutely loved the Bigger Picture , which is how I knew it wasn 't going to win . I always go for the animated shorts that have a unique or fanciful art style , while Oscars tend to be given to the animated short with the cutest or most comfortable story . That being said , I loved this film . I loved how simple the story was ; I loved how the art style and fantasy sequences helped to tell the story , or rather the emotion . The emotion that two brothers feel as their mother is slowly dying . Their mother 's friend would insult the caretaker brother as he was filling her teacup ; he would imagine the room filling up with water and drowning her . But despite his annoyance , he was ultimately able to keep his head up as his more - successful brother lost it , because he was able to focus on … the bigger picture I love this film you guys I love it . Neither Lacey nor I were particularly impressed by The Dam Keeper . In a city full of anthropomorphic creatures , a small pig is put in charge of the windmill that keeps the Darkness at bay ( if a movie calls a vague thing to be feared " the Darkness " you know it 's going to be stupid ) . He also goes to school , where he is bullied frequently for being a pig . Then he makes a friend . Then that friends turns out to be false . So he decides to let the windmill wind down , which would kill everyone . Here 's where Lacey and I disagree : I think they should have ended it there . Just let the pig sit there with his gas mask on and let the darkness come and kill everyone . The last shot should have just been the gas mask . Lacey disagreed . I don 't remember exactly where she thought the movie should have ended ( or maybe she thought the story should have gone in a different direction ? ) . In any case , the pig saves everyone and it 's a happy ending for everyone , which doesn 't make sense , in the same way that Frozen 's ending doesn 't make sense . I 'll elaborate later . This entry is already pretty long . Feast is a decent - looking piece with an easy - to - swallow story ( hah ! ) . Of course it was going to win . Unlike last time Disney won Animated Short , I 'm not angry . I hated Paperman . Feast was good . There were better entries . But Feast was fine . It told a story from a unique perspective . It had a good metaphor . It made me want a Boston Terrier . All good things . This was Lacey 's pick for Best Animated Short , and I can 't say I blame her . It was probably my # 2 . It 's a story about a quirky family and accepting that family or happiness or normalcy or whatever is … what you make of it ? What no one has ? What looks weird from the outside is in fact normal ? That supporting or loving someone takes a big effort ? Don 't be embarrassed by your family ? It didn 't have one , simple message , which is something that Lacey tends to go for . And certainly that was a big bonus . It was a slice - of - life about growing up , about accepting … maturity ? I don 't really know what it was about , exactly . But it was funny and sweet and the art style was simple and quirky , and it tells a story that will stick with you . It 's a good film and it should have won , really . A Single Life starts with a woman sitting down to eat a delicious pizza in a comfortable apartment like it 's the only thing anyone would ever want . It is the most relatable thing ever . The art is really weird though . I don 't think it served the story very well at all . She looks like a giant white cucumber with a wig . Considering the theme of the story , she should have been more human - shaped , not less . It had a good punchline and excellent pacing , but overall it wasn 't a very good film . At 39 minutes , this film was the longest entry in the Live Action Shorts , and boy did it feel like it . The whole movie was filled with long , awkward pauses of silence . I joked to James that 30 / 39 minutes of the movie was awkward silence . The thing is , I 'm not sure I was exaggerating . Aya , the driver there , is at the airport to pick up someone ( a lover , presumably ) when through a weird series of circumstances she gets mistaken for a professional driver and she just goes along with it . It 's a good set - up … if the characters were interesting , if the final plot twist hadn 't been given away the first time we saw her hands on the wheel , if the characters had anything interesting to say , if the actors had had any chemistry , if there had been any sense of danger , if they had gotten lost and had to find their way , if they had talked about anything deeper than " what do you do for a living ? " The film is actually about the car drive from the airport to the hotel . Lacey visited the facilities in the middle of the film . When she came back , she asked if she had missed anything important . After giving it a moment 's thought , I realized that no , no she hadn 't . Absolutely nothing had happened in the five minutes or so she had been gone . That 's forgiveable in a feature - length film , but this is a short film . Every second should count . A few minutes after that , I went and bought a bottle of water ( this is a relevant plot point for this entry - remember that I bought a bottle of water ) . When I came back , I asked Lacey if I had missed anything - and nope . Nada . The whole film was an exercise in patience . We went online to see if there was any explanation for why Aya scored a nomination , only to discover that the very things we hated about it were the things people loved about it . Critics raved about the " tense periods of sexual tension " or whatever . They loved the long silent pauses . They loved … the fact that no one said anything ? They loved the " twist " at the end . They said that it was " a story exploring what would happen if you gave in to your impulses " ( or something ) . Except that Aya did the opposite of that in the end . Also , one critic said that if you hate this movie you 're an anti - semite . I guess I 'm an anti - semite now . Boogaloo and Graham was never going to win . Unlike the Animated Shorts ' tendency towards heart - warming stories , Live Action Shorts goes for art and Feelings . If it had been animated , Boogaloo and Graham would have had a chance to win . It 's about a Northern Irish family that adopts two chickens , set against the backdrop of the Troubles . It was adorable . I thought for a second the chickens were going to die . It toyed a bit with my emotions . It 's what you want in a kid - friendly film . The only thing Lacey and I didn 't like was that the one black character in the film was the one who killed a dude in the end ? Was given scary framing and everything ? What the double - hey racism ? Butter Lamp was also never going to win , but you really , really wanted it to . It was a story about modernity forcing its way into a small Tibetan village and - back up , Hancher , back way way up . It 's about a whole bunch of Tibetan families getting their picture taken . Everyone is cute and charming and it tells each family 's story in its own way . The underlying theme is - stop it , Hancher . Watching the movie for the message takes away from the story . This was Lacey 's choice . She has a weakness for stories about female friendship . It 's a story about unlikely friendship between an Iranian immigrant and a Swiss teenager . They beat up a dude . There 's casual racism . They bond . Unlike Aya , this film really did explore two characters dropping boundaries and seeing what happens next . Both Lacey and I loved this film . Lacey just loved it more than I did . I would have been happy if it had won . I absolutely adored The Phone Call . It follows a woman at a crisis center as she handles her first phone call of the shift . It is absolutely intense and nerve - wracking . The vast majority of the film is just a wide variety of angles of her sitting at her desk and talking and writing , but every single frame is filled to the brim with intensity as a man 's life is on the line . I could hear the sad voice of every old man I have ever met on the other end of that phone call . I cried along with Heather . I loved this movie and it absolutely deserved to win . As we drove past the White House , Lacey made a left turn that may or may not have been legal , the lights were changing . So Lacey made a joke about President Obama coming out in his boxers to arrest her . I put on my best President Obama voice . Lacey and President Obama began discussing government - issued patriotic boxer shorts and laughing . I was only about halfway done with the water I had bought during Aya . I raised up the bottle to take a sip as Lacey was saying something funny . The next thing I knew I couldn 't stop coughing . I could feel the water going down my throat and I was coughing , coughing , coughing , my whole world was just me and coughing . Suddenly there was banana milkshake and cole slaw all over my lap and I couldn 't stop it and it wasn 't enough and I couldn 't stop coughing and I couldn 't breathe , I realized I couldn 't breathe and everything was getting dark . We drove all the way down Constitution Avenue before I could breathe again . It was the shallowest breath I had every managed . But it was new air , enough that my vision began clearing up . I still couldn 't stop coughing . But I could suddenly gasp . I realized that Lacey was freaking out next to me , shouting and screaming . We were well onto 66 before I was even able to get out a few words . Lacey asked if I wanted to go to the hospital . I said either " no " or " I don 't know " , I honestly don 't remember . She refused to take no for an answer . My brain was too addled to really say anything sensible , and I was still coughing a lot . Lacey finally pulled out her phone and called her insurance company 's 24 - hour hotline and asked if she should take me to the hospital . The nurse said yes . So we arrived at Virginia Hospital Center at midnight . I nearly slipped on the ice outside the emergency room . Lacey said that it was bad luck to break your leg outside the hospital . I said , " * cough * I woul * cough * wouldn 't have t * cough * to go very fa * cough * * cough * " I 'm sure it was very annoying . There was only one other person in the waiting area . The person at the desk took in my basic symptoms and gave me a bucket in case I vomited again . Lacey gave me a bunch of paper towels and I wiped off my jacket and coughed into the bucket . The one other person waiting was there for his wife . We were shown in within ten minutes . A nurse took my vitals and I said that really my cough was a lot better than before . I 'm pretty certain that my strained , weak voice combined with frequent cough breaks didn 't help . But I really was feeling better . I was literally no longer dying . We were given a room to wait in . I changed into a hospital gown . The doctor and trainee doctor walked into the room and checked my breathing . They asked me a few other questions about how I felt . The doctor told me that the worst was over . I might still have some water in my lungs , but I would be coughing it out over the next few days . My chest was sore , but it was just inflamed from all the coughing . I could take some ibuprofen to help . It had been a good idea to come to the hospital , just to make sure the worst was over . I mean , I had just almost died . They left and an administrator immediately came in , saying that everything had been cleared by my insurance company . I wouldn 't have to pay a dime . Lacey commented on how amazing it was - we had been cleared to leave before the insurance paperwork had even finished processing ! Modern technology ! In the car ride back Lacey told me how relieved she was that I hadn 't died . If I had died in her car , Mom would have killed her . She asked me several times if I was feeling okay . If I died on her couch , Mom would kill her . I discovered going up the stairs that I could not handle stairs anymore . I had to stop twice , but only briefly . I tried to make sure Lacey didn 't notice . On the hill waiting for Dad to pick us up the next day , I noticed that I couldn 't handle hills very well either . I lagged behind Lacey . Apparently five minutes of coughing completely destroyed my lung capacity . I 'll have to work on cardio … when the weather gets better . At brunch , Dad teased me about the fact that I was drinking water . Even though twelve hours had gone by , my body was still reeling from the whole thing . By evening , I would feel completely over it , except for the very rare hacking cough ( and even that has gone away ) . But during brunch , my body still felt like it was processing what had happened . I feel like I didn 't say much ; I feel like I couldn 't be as involved in the conversation as I normally was . Maybe it was in my head . But still . I left Cary Station in one piece . When I came back , I had a broken toe , no cell phone , and had nearly died . One heck of a weekend . |
We got into Dallas on a Thursday night . Friday morning while I 'm eating eggs and drinking coffee , I get a good job . I mean , it 's . . . all these people are supposedly out of work , I 'm not in town a half a day and I 've got a job . It 's just . . . everything clicked . It 's as if I was meant to be here . I 'd run away from home a couple times . Once or twice . I don 't know . And this all started the day I was running away from home . And he takes . . . I took the pistol from my dad and a shotgun - - took a neighbor 's car . I think I had broken into their house or something and got the keys to it . One the way home , I ran out of gas , and as I was waking down the street with the gas can , a person , at that time , pulled over . I guess since I had the gas can he figured I was out of gas . I wasn 't 100 yards from the car , and being Thanksgiving weekend there was no gas stations open . So , he stopped and asked me if I needed help . I 'm driving down some street somewhere in Dallas . I just turned sixteen . And there was a guy over there , I think he 'd run out of gas , and I took him to get some gas . This was Randall Adams . Ended up following him to his room where him and his brother were staying . Eventually that evening - that afternoon , that evening we went out and got some beer and what have you and we smoked a little marijuana and what have you . W nt to a movie that night . I get up . I got to work on Saturday . You know , why did I meet this kid ? I don 't know . Why did I run out of gas at that time ? I don 't know . But it happened . It happened . Gus Rose walked in . He had a confession there he wanted me to sign . He said that I would sign it . He didn 't give a damn what I said - I would sign this piece of paper he 's got . I told him I couldn 't . You know , " I don 't know what the hell you people expect of me , but there 's no way I could sign that . " He left ; he came back in ten minutes , and threw a pistol on the table . Asked me to look at it , which I did . I looked . He asked me to pick it up , I told him " No . " I wouldn 't do that . He threatened me . Again I told him " no . " He pulled his service revolver on me . We looked at each other for . . . to me it seemed hours . I do not like looking down the barrel of a pistol . I do not like being threatened . When he finally saw the he would either have to kill me or forget the signature , I guess he forgot the signature because he put his pistol up . He took the pistol on the table , put it up and stormed out . I had what I call a casual , friendly conversation with him to start with , to try to size him up , to see what he liked and what he didn 't like . And I found almost immediately that he didn 't have very much conscience , that what . . . anything he had done it never really bothered him . He had done other things that he told me about that didn 't seem to bother him in the least . He showed no expression whatsoever . It 's just like he 's sitting here talking about the color of this wall or the shooting of the police officer . He showed no reaction to any of the questions . He , of course , almost overacted his innocence : he protested he hadn 't done anything , couldn 't imagine why we were bringing him in . He didn 't fight or he didn 't resist . He just protested his innocence . Woods didn 't take his ticket book out of the car . He left it in the car , on the front seat , which indicates that he was not going to write a ticket . What he was probably going to do was to tell them to turn on their headlights . His partner was one of the first female police officers that was assigned to patrol . They were out of the Northwest Station . Just patrol officers , following the clock , working the graveyard shift and everything . They had been into a fast food restaurant and she had a malt . This car came by , just two dudes in it , with no lights on . It really wasn 't a serious problem , but he just pulled up , turned his lights on , and stopped him just to warn the man that his lights were off . The first shot hit him in the arm . He had his flashlight . It hit the flashlight , as I recall , and went into his arm . And the next one hit him right in the chest . Procedure says you grab the radio and call for an ambulance . Common sense will tell you that but what do you do ? And then at the time , she 's so torn down . And the blood . . . an enormous amount of blood . So how do we hold her responsible for not following procedure at that point ? We had people calling the office saying , " I 've got a Vega and it 's not blue but would you come out and check it over . Be sure it 's not mine because I don 't want to get stopped anymore . I 'm afraid . " And the thing I think we did then , that really helped , or really . . . it didn 't really help anything at all . Let me back up . But it was interesting , and it cost a lot of money , but it was worthwhile , You gotta . . . you cover every . . . every trail . A guy out of California - I don 't recall his name - it was an expert in hypnosis , came in , hypnotized her and questioned her . And the thing was really interesting to me : she couldn 't remember anything particularly about the car . She remembered getting a malt , and they 'd stopped in the fast - food . . . it was a " What - a burger . " She remembered all that , remembered stopping the car . And got back out on the road . . . she didn 't remember anything , but she remembered a license number off a hit - and - run vehicle that they had worked earlier in the night . Gus Rose We 'd never really gone that long in Dallas without clearing the murder of a police officer . We 'd had several killed but we 'd always cleared them pretty quick . And this case had gone a month , or nearly a month and we still hadn 't cleared it . However , we finally got the break that cleared it - It came out of Vidor , Texas . Mr . Calvin Cunningham who lives here in Vidor , had his home broken into and his little Mercury Comet stolen . We felt as though David had committed that crime . For several days , though , he was missing - we couldn 't find him . So we went back to a few of his other comrades in crime , I guess we would call them . They said , " Well , yeah , you know , we thought he was just bragging . We didn 't . . . We really didn 't take him seriously . " Sitting down watching the evening news , night news . . . My father was asleep on the couch . I heard somebody knocking at the door . Got up and answered the door , and it was David Harris . I let him in . He come in . He was standing there beside the chair I was sitting in , and the news broadcast advertised about a police officer being shot in Dallas . And right then and there he started swearing up and down . He said " I swear to God , " he said , " I shot that fucking pig . " Somewhere around Dallas they got pulled over . I think he said because they was checking out a stolen car . And he said that the cop had pulled him over , walked up to the window , and when the cop come to the window , he rolled down the window and just pulled the gun up and - Pow ! shot him . " I asked him about . . . if he 'd been to Dallas and he denied having been to Dallas . I asked him if he 'd been involved in any type of shooting or knew anything about a shooting and he denied that to the end , which is fairly consistent with David . Even if he had of had some involvement , his first way that he always treats you he would deny . Then if he felt as though you really knew that he had done it , they he would be truthful with you . He give me a pistol , a . 22 caliber pistol . He showed it to me . He says , " That 's the one I shot him with , right here . " He gives me the pistol . I didn 't really consider it that much . I don 't guess I really realized he did shoot the cop . " He led me to a swampy area several hundred yards behind his residence in Grove City . There was a sock underwater . He said , " There it is . " And he had sprayed this sock with boot oil . " When we retrieved the gun , I said , " I better do something with it , it 's gonna rust up " . The time later that I saw the gun at the trial in Dallas it looked just as good as when I 'd taken I out of the swamp . So he had taken pretty good care of it , even though he had put it under water . He got to thinking , " Well , hey , I didn 't do that and I 've been saying that I did and I 'm in over my head now so I better tell them what really happened because they are going to send me to the penitentiary for the rest of my life if I don 't tell them what really happened . " So , he said , " Hey , I 'm just bragging about this . I didn 't do it , but I was there and I know who did do it . " And , of course , he came clean then . He tried to hide no facts . He just seemed like a friendly kid . I may have talked to him 15 or 20 minutes just on a friendly basis just to . . . just to keep him friendly . We didn 't want to make him mad . But we didn 't want him to tell us something that he thought , we wanted him to tell us what we knew . It just seemed like , like it was . . . Boom ! Time stopped or something , I don 't know what it is , you know . It 's like a flash . We went back to his room . He was supposed to ask his brother if I could stay there that night or whatever . But , he said his brother don 't like to do that , or something . Anyhow , he went in and never came back out , so I left . Ended up pulling into a parking lot . I slept there , I think , for awhile . Then , finally , the next morning , early , I found my way to the freeway - 45 - went back home . After riding around with him I come to find out , yeah , he 's got an arsenal , he 's got pistols , he 's got rifles . He 's got this pistol . He 's waving it around . He 's doing this , I told him , " Hey , you know , why don 't you put those in the trunk of the car . " He pulled this pistol back out . And I asked him why he got the pistol out . And he kind laughed , rolled the window down , and fired the pistol outside of the car . And I asked him to please put it up . And I think he handed me the pistol and I put it under the driver 's seat . He was the one that picked the movie out . I call them drive - in movies , beer drinking movies . You know , fifty cents , put them together and make a bunch of money with a bunch of people getting drunk at the drive - in . Wrong ! Anybody can plainly see it 's a wall breaker ! Sit down , John , leave me alone ! I 'm trying to speak for you ! I 'm trying to speak for all of you ! I am the Student Body ! We want a victory and we 're gonna get it ! We want a victory and we 're gonna get it ! Yeah team ! We want a victory and we 're gonna get it ! There 's a little store . I bought a pack of cigarettes and a newspaper . And when I left , this kid was still sitting there . I leaned against the car and we talked to him for , you know , a few minutes and I told him that since he was looking for a job , and there hadn 't been anybody there at work , that if he wanted to stop back Monday morning , that , you know , sure , he can ride out and follow me to work , and he can talk to the boss . And he would probably get a job . I walked around the store and went to the house . When I walked in the television was on , and my brother was sleeping . He had been home this whole time that I had been gone . So I made me a sandwich and sat there and watched the end of the " The Carol Burnett Show " . And when it went off , the news came on , and I watched fifteen , twenty minutes of the news . And that was it . I turned the TV off and went to sleep . He admits driving the car and taking a right on Inwood Road off of Interstate 35 . . . or Highway . . . 183 . He admits driving it , but after he made his right run on Inwood Road , you know , this is where our statement ends . He says he does not remember anything after that . Marshall Touchton He didn 't t remember anything about a shooting . He didn 't remember anything about a police officer stopping him or anything . He just , that part of his mind just conveniently went blank . He remembered driving the car , and he remembered approaching the scene of the shooting and then , from that point , he blacks out and can 't remember until he gets to the motel room , which is some 10 minutes later . Everything else he remembers vividly . And that 's just a convenient memory lapse , is all that is . This is what I heard afterwards . Of course I couldn 't dispute this because I knew nothing for two weeks . They kept me completely away from everybody . Several times we talked to her , trying to get her to recall . " Do you recall the license number ? Do you recall anything that will help us ? " And she gave us a pretty good description of the car . As it turned out , her description of the car was real close . ' Course it comes out that we weren 't looking for a blue Vega . We were looking for a Comet . No telling the man - hours we literally wasted looking for a blue Vega . There wasn 't a mark on this car that David Harris had stolen . Wasn 't a mark . You 'd think a car sitting still , starting from a stop , heading up a hill with a woman standing right behind it that is a very good shot with a pistol , she should have hit the damn thing one time . She didn 't . I wish to God she would have blown whoever was driving the car 's head off , because I wouldn 't have been there . I was doing burglaries . . . and some robberies and a few possession cases , and stuff like that . And I think he just came up to me and said , " I 'd like to talk . Are you Edith James ? I 'd like to talk to you about my case ? " That 's the way I remember it anyhow . And I said , ' Sure . " And I said " What sort of case is it ? " And he said " It 's a capital murder . " And I said , " Eeeewwww . " You know , inside I thought , " Well , I 've never done one , but I can surely talk to him about it . " I hate to be , you know , considered some kind of dummy that believes in the innocence of her clients , whatever . A lot of people think that , well , a woman lawyer , she 's bound to stupidly believe anything she 's told . I admit , I 'm sort of a gullible person . But on the other hand , I 've seen an awful lot of people who admitted guilt or were found guilty , and all but Randall turned out to be guilty in my opinion . Douglas Mulder had a perfect win record . I believe he resigned from the D . A . 's office without any defeats . ( List : DEATH , MURDER - LIFE , MURDER - MURDER ) I wanted somebody else in on it , so I got Dennis interested in it because Dennis has a lot more trial experience , and Dennis wins practically all his jury cases . " And Dennis was very enthusiastic about the Randal Adams case because he kept saying , " This is one we can win . They don 't have any substantial evidence . All they 've got is this David Harris . " Vidor is the headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan for the state of Texas . It 's a city where black people will not spend the night . Black people won 't even stop there to get their car filled with gasoline . I had to stop at a motel on the way . My wife and I , of course , stayed in one room , the lady lawyer stayed in another room . We arranged to get up very early the next day to go on to Vidor and start our investigation . At about six o ' clock in the morning , Edith James , the lady lawyer , got up and was looking for me and while she went out in the parking lot to find me , she went to one room and someone in the parking lot said , " if you 're looking for the lawyer from Dallas , then he 's in room . . . " and she gave her the room number . And then I had been recommended to see one particular policeman who had been led to the solution of this case . And I had the impression he was the one honest policeman I could trust in Vidor . He told me that after the policeman was killed David Harris went back to Vidor . But before he was arrested , he committed a robbery down there and had someone on the floor of a 7 - Eleven type store with a shotgun at her throat . Got back there , robbed a O ' Bannion 's 7 - Eleven with a . 22 rifle . Committed some other burglaries and what have you . All this time I was on probation - juvenile probation . Eventually I turned myself in for this stuff in Vidor . I think I made a confession or something , I can 't even remember exactly . So I 'm told I did . About two o ' clock in the morning , I was asleep and the phone rings . Said , " Hello ? " He said , " This is David . " " David Harris ? " He said , " Yeah . " He said , " I did it , I did it . Will you come and get me ? " I said , " Man , I 'm not coming to get you . I 'm asleep . " He didn 't have a conscience . You know , if I do something bad , you know , it kind if gets to me . I feel , you know , " Shucks , I shouldn 't have done that . I feel bad about it . " It didn 't bother him . And we sort of tried to inquire : didn 't he think it was a little strange that there was a robbery committed with that same pistol , and here it was David Harris ' pistol , David Harris ' automobile that picked up Randall Adams , didn 't he think it was a little odd that all the utensils for committing this so - called murder were committed . . . were . . . were furnished by David Harris who got off scott free and was being a witness for the prosecution ? And all he said was " Well , ho - hum , we don 't feel that was in Vidor , Texas . Our people just are not that . . . we 're not that keen on ruining a young man 's life . " I grew up in a family where I was taught a great respect for law enforcement . And I became acutely aware of the dangers that police officers go through , law enforcement officials go through that I think much of the public is not really sensitive to . My father was an F . B . I man probably at the worst possible time to be in the FBI It was from 1932 to 1935 in Chicago . He was at the Biography Theater the night that Dilinger was killed . It was a hot summer evening . Little air conditioning in Chicago , and people were out for a walk . My father would tell me that when Dillinger was killed , within a matter of two minutes people were dipping their handkerchiefs in the blood to get souvenirs . And he vividly remembered one lady who . . . who all she had was a newspaper - held it up and said , " I bet I 'm the only lady from Kansas City with some of John Dillinger 's blood . " He told me that the " Woman in Red . . . ? " She had on an orange dress . This is trivia . Okay ? It looked red under the lights , He said it was really orange . So the Lady in Red - she got to be known as the Lady in Red that fingered Dillinger - he said , " It was really the Lady in Orange . " His whole story from the start was two hours late . I met this kid at around ten o ' clock in the morning . He says we met at noon . I say we were at the Bronco Bowl at two or three o ' clock . He says it was five or six o ' clock . Everything that we did coincide with , he was two hours late . Well , I didn 't get over there to Fort Worth for a long time . We got some pictures from his family . It didn 't show him in jail clothes . And I took the pictures in to show to the man behind the counter . He was very cooperative and he wanted to help us but he honestly , he said " I don 't remember anything about this guy coming in here . I couldn 't tell one night from another . I might have been that night or any other night . They were always coming in for cigarettes . " Marshall Touchton His brother , at first was , saying that at the time of the murder that he was home watching , I believe it was a wrestling match on TV . And he said , " me and my brother , we like wrestling matches . " He was here with . . . Randall my brother was with me all night long . He couldn 't have done it . " He was trying to cover for his brother . Later as I recall , he changed because he said . " well , hey , if I get down there and perjure myself . There 's nothing that I can do because they got a case . " - this is the way I think that he thought " they know that my brother did it . f I get up there and lie then they are going to have me for perjury . n I 'll be in the penitentiary with him , and it ain 't going to do any good anyway , so I just ain 't going to testify . ain 't going to say nothing . " Her in - court testimony and her original statement , which should be the best . . . I mean you 're talking fifteen , twenty minutes after the killing , should be the best eyewitness testimony she 's got . It doesn 't match . Doesn 't match at all . Her original statement , fifteen minutes after the killing : a fur lined collar on the killer . In court : it might have been bushy hair . The kid testified that I had a Levi jacket on , which is the same type of collar , basically , the same as this . He testified at pre - trial that he had a fur - lined parka . She 's telling you who killed the man . One person in the car with the fur - lined collar . Very convenient that the driver happened to have bushy hair . All she 's got to do is look at a picture they took of me . But that is not her original statement . It 's a hell of a big difference from " a fur - lined collar " to " bushy hair ' . She went through week 's internal affairs , when she comes out , her testimony changes . She goes in saying one thing , she comes out saying another . Something happened . What ? " Oh well , we refreshed her memory . " And so we were very optimistic about his chances until we walked into the courtroom , and here were all these people standing in front of the bench . Three of them , anyway . They were taking the oath to be sworn in as witnesses . Mrs . Miller got on the stand that last afternoon . And she said , " that 's the man - I saw that man ! I saw Randall Adams ' face just right after . . . " She said , " I saw the gun sticking out of the car when he shot that police officer , and that 's the man . " And she waved her finger right toward Randall Adams . She 's the one that got him convicted . Yeah , when I was a kid I used to want to be a detective all the time because I used to watch all the detective shows on TV . When I was a kid they used to show these movies with Boston Blacki and he always had a woman with him . And I wanted to be a wife of a detective or be a detective , so I always watching detective stories . I 'm always looking because I never know what might come up . Or how I could help . I like to help in situations like that . I really do . It 's always happening to me , everywhere I go , you know , lot of times there 's killing or anything , even around my house . Wherever . And I 'm always looking or getting involved , you know , find out who did it , or what 's going on . I listen to people . And I 'm always trying to decide who 's lying or who killed who before the police do . See if I can beat them . Yeah . I was working at a gas station , My husband and I both . We weren 't getting along well at all , We were arguing back and forth . And this was why we didn 't want to go home because we would rather talk it out in the car than go home with the kids and fight , you know ? Had to listen to them , too . So we were really arguing , and we decided to go get something to eat . She turned around . I see she was looking hard . She looked . And I didn 't think she 'd seen the guy , but she did . Because I said , " What you looking at ? Because I knew something went wrong . I said , " What you looking at ? " And she said , ' You just shut up and drive . " And I kept telling my husband , " Slow down , so I can see . " And he said , " No . " He said , " Come on . " He said . " We 're getting out of here . You 're too nosy . You don 't even know what 's going on . " He was one of these kind that didn 't like getting involved or nothing . He wanted to go on . He told me to shut up and turn around , don 't look . I turned around and looked anyway . It was real dark , and it was cold . It was hard to see in that car . But , see , his window was down . The driver 's window was down . And this is how I got such a good look . I really couldn 't see anything inside . It was kind of . . . shadows on the window and stuff . But when he rolled down the window was what made his face stand out so . . . The car was dark blue . He had a beard and a mustache , kind of dishwater - blonde hair . But like I say , when he was in court , he sure looked a lot different . All I could tell was by this and this , you know , it was him . I knew that there was some shots over there . I mean , you know , but I didn 't want to be involved in it , because West Dallas is a high - crime neighborhood . One of the biggest . He was more scared of it than I was . But see , when you have black people like that , they don 't like getting involved in nothing . That 's just common . Like here , ya know . . . ? Nobody wants to see nothing or hear nothing . And they 'll stay completely in the background . That 's why they were having such a hard time over there finding anybody that would come forward - because it was in a totally black neighborhood . She just believed if she seen somebody doing something wrong , she 'd sure tell it . She told on me a couple of times . She said that I was hauling drugs out of El Paso . Called the Sheriff down there , going to make me open my trunk . So I ended up opening it , but there wasn 't nothing in it . Yeah , and . . . Oh , man ! Eeeeooowww . Good grief . Yeah , if she found out you done something , she sure turn you in . He came to work the day after . He got to telling me about the policeman that had gotten shot the night before . And I hadn 't heard anything about it . ( Newspaper : OFFICERS KILLER SOUGHT ) Wheels started rolling in his head about money . And that 's when he got the idea . . . Let me put it in his words : for enough money , he would testify to what they wanted him to say . He would say anything that they wanted him to say . Or he would see anything that they wanted him to see . Those were his words . I 'm a salesman . And you develop something like total recall . I don 't forget places , things , or streets , because it 's a habit . Something I just picked up . I just stare intensely at people and try to figure them out . Being nosey , I just stare . The officer , he walked up to the vehicle . He had walked up . His car was . . . let me see . . . I don 't know if it was behind or in front , but I knew he had him pulled over , and he was up to the car . I think he was up to the car . Let me think . Yeah he was up to the car . . . and I was going by . . . he had to have been up to the car . We couldn 't have made a case with the voluntary statement that we got from Adams . We had to rely on witnesses . And this is what we did . I always tried very hard - every judge I know of does - to not show emotion on the bench . The reason : if you do show emotion , the jury might take it that you 're favoring on side or another . So you try to remain passive , emotionless , objective . I have to conceded that my eyes kind of welled up when I heard that . It did get to me emotionally , but I don 't think I showed it . ( Newspaper : MURDER TRIAL . . . JURY DELIBERATE THEN RETIRES FOR THE NIGHT - ADAMS FOUND GUILTY - WAS TO BEGIN PUNISHMENT ) In death penalty cases , we have a question , or we did at the time , of whether or not that person is of a dangerous mentality and might be expected to commit other crimes . To answer that question , the Dallas District Attorney 's Office send psychiatrist in to the defendants cell to discover whether he is without remorse and therefore is a dangerous and psychopathic personality . Well , of course , in the instance of a person who did not commit the crime , naturally they 're not going to show much remorse . There were two psychiatrists that appeared again and again . Holdboork and Grigson - " the Killer Shrinks " . There was a certain amount of criticism directed against these two people because , in effect , whenever they showed up the purpose of their visit was to kill the defendant . It was April 15th , tax day . I think I was filling out my taxes at the time , afraid I might be late . A guard walks up to the door and tells me there 's someone out here who wants to talk to you . I asked him who it was . He said , he didn 't know , but the court ordered me to talk to him . I said , " Oh , alright . " And here come this real tall , ostrich - looking dude . He introduced himself as Dr . Grigson . He pulled a pad out of his coat pocket that had a line drawn across it . On this pad , on the upper half he had six images . I will say a box , a square , a circle with a diamond in it . I don 't know - you know , it 's been awhile . He slides this piece of paper across to me and he hands me a pencil . He says , " I 'm going to get a cup of coffee . Please copy what 's on this piece of paper . " Well , I 'm looking this man , I said , " What ? You want it copied just the same way you did ? Or you want me to change them around ? What do you want me to do ? " He said , " just do whatever you think you want to do , " and he left . So on the bottom half of the piece of paper I made my boxes and X 's and zero 's with diamonds in them exactly like his . He asked me , " What 's the meaning of a rolling stone gathers no moss ? " I 'm looking at this man and I 'm saying , " Are you kidding , is this a joke ? What are you doing ? " He said , " No , I really want to know your answer to that question . " I said , " Well a rolling stone gathers no moss . To me it would represent a person that doesn 't stand still long enough , it 's kind of hard for people to cling to him , he keeps moving around , it 's hard for people to get close to him . " He shook his head . He said , " What about , a bird in the hand is worth two in a bush ? " I said , " If you have a hold of something why give it up for the chance of getting something that might be a little better ? It doesn 't make sense . You 've got something pretty good why let go of it ? If you can get the other one , get it if you can , but don 't let go of what you go to try to get something else . " Dr . Grigson was up there testifying that he would commit violent crimes in the future if he was released . Well , Grigson is know as " Dr . Death " because he always testified that way . In about 99 % of the trials that he 's been a witness for the prosecution he always testifies that , yes , they will commit violent crimes in the future . Except based on your past record , which anybody can do . Randall Adams never had any prior record . And as far as we know never had any history of violence whatever . He called me Charlie Manson . He called me Adolph Hitler . He said I 'm the type of personality that can work all day and creep all night . He testified , Grigson , that if the future seriousness of my mental state would be such that if they released me I would go crazy and probably butcher half of Dallas County . Even though he talked to me fifteen minutes , I have no prior convictions , no prior arrests , I was non - violent for twenty - eight years . On one instance - and that 's saying if I did this , which I didn 't - he 's stating that that 's enough to , for the rest of my life , you got to watch me . Don 't ever turn your back on me . And he talked to me fifteen minutes . You can understand why a man might steal if needs money to put food on the table . I can understand why a seventeen year old boy who doesn 't have a car would steal on to ride around in . I can understand why the heroin addict needs heroin . But it 's very hard to understand why anybody has to kill a police officer . It just doesn 't have to be . When I 'm asleep at night and I close my eyes and think , " Why would he do it ? " He had no background that would lead to murder , no reason to commit a murder and I look at the facts of the case and say ; David Harris knew the car was stolen , knew the guns were there , knew the guns were stolen , was on a crime spree , had had a criminal record prior to stealing this car and these guns . He was the one who wanted to commit the murder and get away from the scene and he was the one that after the murder was committed went right back home and bragged about it to his friends . I looked at all the evidence and I found I believed that David Harris committed the murder . The jury looked at the same evidence and they found they believed that Randall Adams committed murder . And it was their verdict that counted . You have a D . A . , he doesn 't talk about when they convict you or how they convict you , he 's talking about how he 's going to kill you . He don 't give a damn if you 're innocent . He don 't give a damn if you 're guilty . He 's talking about killing you . You get numb . You get . . . It 's like a bad dream . You want to wake up but you can 't do it . Fifteen times , twenty times a day I hear this same story about what happens when a man is electrocuted . His eyeballs pop out . His fingernails pop out . His toenails pop out . He bleeds out of every orifice he 's got . They don 't care . They don 't care . All they want to do is talk about how they 're going to kill you . That 's the only thing that they cared about : that 's the only thing they talked about . At that point , that 's all they 're wanting . I didn 't have any idea of what happened to him . After I testified , I was gone . I never really concerned myself with it , you now . Maybe I didn 't want to know , I don 't know . I didn 't have any interest in knowing , otherwise I might have tried to find out . Both Robert Miller and his wife testified there . But we could not bring out the fact that they had said that they were going to get some of that reward money and that they didn 't care whether they saw anything or not , but their car was too steamed up . We were not allowed to get any of that in because it was held that it was impeaching testimony , and therefore it came too late . A reporter from the Dallas Morning News discovered that one week after the Randall Dale trial was over with , the daughter of this woman had a robbery case in this very same court . She offered her testimony at a time when her daughter was in danger of going to jail for life , and got her daughter out of jail . How can you believe her when the very next week the same judge in the very same court dismisses the case . When we went to court that day , the District Attorney was real hard - nosed , wouldn 't let me answer any questions . He 'd ask me questions , but then he 'd cut me off real short . And that 's when he said something about my big fat nose . If I kept my big fat nose out of their business , well , the Millers would be better off . And then when we started to leave out of the courtroom , why , he started laughing , like " Hey , It didn 't do you any good to get up there . " It really didn 't . Didn 't help the guy at all . When the Appellate Court reverses a case , they are never saying the trial judge was right or wrong . They are saying they disagree with the judge . You can 't for instance , in the Adams appeal , say the appellate courts were saying I was right or I was wrong . After all if in Austin , our state appeals court , I was 9 - 0 correct and in Washington I was 1 - 8 incorrect . If you tally all those votes I come out 10 - 8 and yet the case was reversed . I took that to heart . I thought I was going to get my chance . For reasons that were never really made public , Mr . Wade requested the governor to commute Mr . Adams ' death penalty to life and that eliminated that possibility of a retrial based on the reversal . ( Newspaper : DEATH SENTENCE OF DALLAS MAN COMMUTED ) I just felt they prosecuted the wrong person and I don 't know why . I felt that some policeman , whether in Vidor or in Dallas made a decision about who to prosecute and set the wheel of justice in motion in the wrong direction and they got going so fast no one could stop them . And so I felt it was up to me to stop them and I didn 't . . . And then I felt it was up to the Supreme Court and they did what they could but then . . . It 's all gotten messed up and derailed again . Since his trial I have given up my practice of criminal law . I have not had a jury trial since I heard the verdict of this jury in this case , and don 't intend to . I just feel like I 'll let other people handle these problems for a while because if justice can miscarry so badly , I 'd rather do something else . He voluntarily came to the police station . I told David , " This girl knows who you are . There 's no doubt . I don 't even have to tell you I know the truth . You know I know the truth this time . " And he said , " Yeah , I was wrong , you know I smoked marijuana and I was drinking . I don 't know what got over me but something just came over me . " ( Report : NAME AND ADDRESS OF SUSPECT , DAVID HARRIS ) I felt the attack was sexually orientated . He never wanted to admit that , and , as I recall he never really finally admitted it . He 'd just get to the point where he wouldn 't deny it . We had a crime with basically the same M . O . as his , and so it lead me to want to check and see if he was in town . I contacted the worldwide military locator to see if through the military I could locate him . I did and found out that he was in prison at the time . ( Report : GENERAL COURT MARTIAL ) We had another occasion to have a crime that fit his M . O . a lot , so , therefore , I started looking for him again and this time I found him in prison in California . So I realized again that , unfortunately , he hadn 't straightened up . He was still having a lot of problems . I was sixteen years old . I really didn 't have no real dealings with the court systems , et cetera . Didn 't know how they worked , really . You know , didn 't know much about the law . Just a young , dumb kid . You don 't know . You 're taking a guess . Police tell you , " Well , it was 12 : 30 when this crime happened . What time did you leave the movie ? " I know it was sometime around midnight . It might have been before then . I don 't know I didn 't have a watch on . He went over my testimony with me , pretty extensively , instructed me how I should testify , et cetera , how I should answer certain questions , things of this nature . That 's what you call " coaching the witness , " you know . Let 's get this evidence in the spectrum where it 's going to be most effective . That 's why I think that statute with the scales , Justice . . . what is she called ? I don 't know that she called . She 's got that blindfold on . We don 't see what goes on behind the closed doors . See , I had a woman in the car . I didn 't tell them about that . My wife would kill me . My wife would 've tore my head off is she knowed I was out that night with another woman . No , that 's . . . that 's what happened . I was trying to get her home . See , the Millers - one is black and one is white . And they said I was going with . . . the reason I was over that time of night . . . I was over there messing with this man 's wife . And I ain 't never gone with her in my life . She was too old and ugly . You know , like I say , the DA will put something into their mouth . They could have prefabricated the whole story . They sure could have . But what I saw is just what I saw . That was it . So if they got paid , they got paid for lying . They already deiced what to do with you in the hall . That 's why they call it the Hall of Justice - - - the scales are not balanced . The scales are in the hall , and they go up and down . They might go up for you in favor one way and they might go down against you . So if they DA wants you to hang 15 or 20 years , you hung . See , I had all these charges still pending in Orange County . Uh , now , I could have been certified as an adult , maybe given a life sentence , you know . I don 't know . Uh , I 'm sixteen years old - I know I don 't want that . The District Attorney told me , " Don 't worry about those charges . I 'm going to ask you , or the defense attorney is going to ask you , if you had any kind of deal or , uh , anything of that nature , you know , uh , in exchange for your testimony in this case , uh , you know , as relating to those charges , you know . " No . " Don 't answer that ' Yes " , answer that ' No ' . " Well , my husband , he didn 't get that good a look at him . And he wasn 't sure , because they put a bunch of them that looked alike . And they had about three or four in the line - up that had bushy hair , but he had his combed down , different to what it was in the killing . Well , I didn 't pick him out right then , because I picked out this bushy - haired man . I just took off . You know , it 's like kids run away - they don 't think about where they are going to stay , uh . . . How they 're going to eat , you know . . . All these things , you know . You know , they had that roof over their head all their life . They don 't really thing about those things until you get out there and you say , " Hey , well , my stomach 's growling now , " you now or , uh , " Boy , it 's getting cold out here . It 's raining . " There was ice on the road , I remember there was a car coming pretty fast up the road , or something , behind me , and , uh , didn 't see me or something , you know , or was in one lane and came into the other lane and I was in that lane - and tried to stop , and he went off the side of the road . remember this car went off the side of the road . nd I 'm just looking back , you know . remember that . I got a call at my house , about 3 : 30 one morning . One of the patrolmen in my department called and said , " we just arrested this boy named David Harris and he won 't even tell us his name . " He said , " He wants to talk to you . " They told me something that really made me interested - they told me he 'd been shot . David had initially told me that he had gone to a bar in Houston and was flirting with a young lady over there and her boyfriend became upset and chased him out of the bar with a pistol , shooting at him . Shot him several times . We knew that wasn 't true . I said , " David , I know you 're lying to me . We go through this all the time . . . in all my dealings with you in the past . I don 't know what you 've done just yet . I know you were shot . I know you were shot doing something that you shouldn 't have been doing , and we know you burglarized a gun shop here in Vidor , we know you were driving drunk . Got witnesses who can identify you , got witnesses who can identify your truck . " I said , " You 're caught . You 're caught - so tell the truth . " And David said , " Well , okay , I killed him . " Their home was entered while this man and his girlfriend were there alone . The man was sent into the bathroom at gunpoint and told to stay there . David took the girl and was starting to leave . David thought that really the one that was really a fault that night was the guy that got killed . He said , " Man , that guy 's crazy . He came after me with a gun . " I told him , " David , you 'd broken into his house , you abducted his girlfriend , what was he supposed to do ? " He said , " I . . . man , shouldn 't come out with a gun , that dude 's crazy - he should have been killed . " When we went to retrieve the pistol I had to go into the water to get it . It was a bayou and it was grassy , snaky looking area . I was not real pleased about being there myself , but David really enjoyed watching me have to go down there and look for that gun . I 've been searching several minutes , he was up on the bridge and probably 25 feet from me , directing me to the area where he thought that the gun had landed in the water . He was handcuffed . Traffic would come by and he would turn around and show them his handcuffs and holler at them , " Help me ! They 're . . . the police are going to throw me in the water - they 're going to drown me . " ( Newspaper : EX - CONVICT GETS DEATH SENTENCE ) The kid scares me . The kid scares me . To think that he could actually be out there walking the streets , and Dallas County let him go . The kid had seven crimes coming down on him . He had armed robberies . He had firing on a peace officer . He had breaking and entries , aggravated assault . God knows what all this kid had . And Dallas County gives him complete immunity for his testimony . Just lets him walk . My mom had a good phrase . She said the first night she pulled into Dallas , it was raining , that it was lightning . And they 're coming into Dallas and she said if there was ever a hell on earth , its Dallas County . She 's right . She 's right . You deal with people who you sense bad vibrations , more or less . You feel this guy doesn 't like me anyway , just because I 'm a policeman . You can just kind of sense there 's something there . And I realize . . . maybe I shouldn 't even be saying this , because police are not supposed to take these things to the bank . When you deal with people over and over again , you sense things about people . In talking to David you don 't ever feel hostile feelings coming from him . I have never seen David any way other than cordial , friendly to me as he could be , " Yes , sir , " " No , sir , " never disrespectful . So I 've never seen the bad side . I 've seen the results of it , and I 've talked to him about it , and he 's aware of the results of it - he remembers the bad side . But I 've never seen him committing a crime or in a violent or volatile state . His parents would tell me he would do better at home , he seems to get along better with the people in town , his neighbors and friends . But there 's something that happens to David , I don 't know what it is . I don 't know if anybody can put their finger on it . But there 's no other indication of anything in the family that would lead you to believe he had exposure to these type activities or anything . Me and my brother , we had one of these little blow up pools and we were playing in that . My dad was supposed to be watching us or keeping eyes on us or something . My brother wandered off , down the street , and these people had a swimming pool in their backyard , and they were elderly people , and they never used the pool . I guess it had a bunch of leaves and stuff in it . And he , evidently , fell in there and drowned . I guess my dad couldn 't get rid of the responsibility or guilt or something . But I was there and I guess maybe I reminded him of that , all the time growing up and it was hard for me to get any acceptance from him . When my brother , my younger brother , was born it was kind of like he was daddy 's favorite . . . Or something . I don 't know . Everybody 's life is going to take some kind of path regardless of what happens . I think maybe a lot of the things I did when I was younger was an attempt to get back at him or something for the way he treated me . But I wasn 't doing nothing but hurting myself . Could have been any number of things . Depends on how you want to look at it . It 's like I told you a while ago about the guy that didn 't have no place to stay . If he had a place to stay , he 'd never have no where to go , right ? Good possibility . Good possibility . Heard of the proverbial scapegoat ? There 's probably been thousands of innocent people convicted and there will probably be thousands more . Why ? Who knows . No doubt . Must have . They didn 't have nothing else until I give them something , so . . . I guess they get something , they run with it , you know . I might have been . I don 't know . I was hoping they 'd believe me , you know . After all was said and done it was kind of unbelievable . But there it is . I 've always thought if you could say why there 's a reason Randall Adams is in jail , it might be because the fact that he didn 't have no place for somebody to stay that helped him that night . . . landed him where 's he 's at . . . |
Susanna : Yawn . I told Mother I wished I had a calico apron and she boxed my ears , called me a Rotterdam whore . Whatever that means . LOL Published on November 27 , 2013May 23 , 2015 by paulmiller74Leave a comment He had a dream last night that left him floating all the morning in a surreal fog . In the dream , he was looking through the woods for a persimmon tree he 'd once found but lost . That much he recognized ; that tree had been on his mind recently . His mother took him to it once when he was a boy and she 'd said the fruit was only good when it was nice and fully ripe . He 'd been thinking of his mother , too . It happened like this a lot in the autumn . They 'd last seen her on a brittle Sunday afternoon of a long lost November . The woman who disappeared just before his tenth birthday had worn a warm coat and a knit scarf of mixed greens and oranges . Her scuffed boots had been brown like her hair . She waved before climbing into the station wagon . The man behind the steering wheel stared straight ahead , his thick glasses glinting so that his eyes could not be seen . She winked at him as they backed into the drive , that familiar wink that was meant to say everything would turn out fine . It wasn 't convincing this time around . He and his sisters lifted their hands and waved as the dusty car vanished down the pale drive . In the dream , he came to a clearing in the woods and he stood there and turned around and round , peering into the forest , trying to spot the tree . Then suddenly , in the way of dreams , he was no longer alone . Stretched out in the clearing , lit by a stream of heavenly light , was a woman giving birth . Her shoulders and her belly and her knees under the nightdress were a range of mountains . The damp brown hair snaking through the wild onion was a black spring that began and ended with her . He started at the sight of her , but she only smiled at him through her labored breathing . It was a pained , mysterious smile , a bittersweet smile that was a little afraid . She wasn 't his mother , but she had her smile . He crouched beside her in the wild onions and the hand that reached out to comfort her was pale and dimpled and small . He hadn 't known until then that he was a child in this dream . She took his wrist painfully . She looked into his eyes for a long while . He could not decide the color of hers . They shone like the tops of lakes on days when the sun hasn 't broke through , but it might just . Her gaze was a moving storm . Finally , she released his wrist and he took his hand back . He 'd not got to comfort her , after all . In the next moment , she was gone . The clearing seemed to be growing smaller around him . When he looked at his feet , the wild onion had become pine needles . Soon , the forest was overhead again and the sky had changed to a deep , smoky violet . It wasn 't the real color of a night sky , but the color of night skies in children 's books . No , more than that , he decided ; it was the exact color of a sky they had painted . His mother had agreed to help with the Christmas pageant at church . She felt that it was her turn and perhaps she wanted a little something to help fill the long autumn nights . She corralled each of them into the station wagon , Tuesday and Thursday nights for weeks , stopping along the way to pick up the Clatterbuck girl and then , a little farther on , the Willard twins . The other kids lived close enough to the church to walk . They were always there on the porch waiting when they pulled up in front , because his mother had never been on time to anything . When she got the heavy paneled door unlocked , she 'd reach along the inside wall for the switch to the vestibule . Then one of the older boys would feel his way half way down the basement steps to flip the breakers for the knave . It had been wired late and funny . When the lights came up , the red plush cushions on the pews jumped out first , then the dark green carpet running up the twin aisles . The alter looked bare without the Sunday flowers . The big room was cold at first , but the huge old oil furnace would quickly warm the place . Coats and hats went into a graceless pile on a pew at the back . His mother got them started on lines and in a half hour , another woman came to help out . She brought a few kids with her , too , and she played the piano in the choir loft and helped with the singing bits . His mother was in over her head , her slightly stunned face confessed , but she laughed a lot as she tried her best . That was all she could do . Close to the pageant , she had one of her breakdowns at home . It was on the carport , while she tried to finish the backdrop to the nativity scene . It was hard to paint the skies over Bethlehem with the wind kicking at the corners of the cloth . The coffee tins she tried using weren 't heavy enough . She tried prying up some stones from the garden . By the time she spilled the paint , she was a nervous wreck . He watched her for a moment through the screen door and waited for the nervous giggles that her breakdowns always caused . This time they didn 't come , which was a blessing . They always infuriated her , even though she knew it was involuntary . He pushed open the door and came to crouch beside her . " It 's too purple anyway , " she said . Her face looked older than it needed to look under the yellowy overhead light . The doubt and the anger and the suffering in her eyes was something he couldn 't quite understand . They would get the skies over Bethlehem painted in time . But her misery would vanish and come again and again . It was the way of things . He felt the feelings with her and for her , even when they made no sense . He took up the brush and began to smear the spill back and forth , filling in more and more of the white canvas . Because there was so much , it spread far and quickly . She sat beside him , her face in her hands , but her frown beginning to fade . After a moment , she found another brush in her caddy and she crawled to the other side of the cloth . Published on November 21 , 2013November 22 , 2013 by paulmiller74Leave a comment On a side street in the village , there is a little booze joint with a piano . It 's in the basement of a narrow townhouse . The floors are sticky and the writing on the bathroom walls mostly forgettable but sometimes funny and tragic . Drinks are never a fantastic pour , but they 're cheap and the price fair . People don 't come for the hooch ; they come for the music and the community . It is church for people who love show tunes more than god . The Lovely Man has a gentle smile and the kind of hands one wants to see at a keyboard . They 're long and slender hands , pale and elegant hands . If Marcus stays late enough , nursing first one and then another snifter of bourbon , most of the crowd will clear . The Jersey thrill seekers will leave first , in their nice long coats , and all the way home they 'll probably chatter about the songs and voices . The young bloods who came in groups will leave in pairs . Finally the stage queens will slip out into the night , swishy old cats with short prowls home . At this late hour only a few remain , the shy ones who wanted to sing all night , but hadn 't found the moment or the courage . For such a small group , at two in the morning , the Lovely Man plays any song he knows , even if it 's not Broadway , which is the rule of the bar . It 's a rule the young one with the hair keeps jealously and without humor . Not the Lovely Man . He and his stragglers want to hear and to play and to sing what is soft and blue . Their hearts and notes break over lyrics written for molasses voices that pour slow . What they like best isn 't for shouting . These last singers , these patient souls , are the sweet remains of the long evening , the honey to cajole from the bottom of the teacup . There 's always some new faces , but many have been coming for years . Marcus knows a few of them by name . He knows Miss Katina , who always tells new lies and never repeats one or tells the truth . She 's told him her name is Anthema , Cheryl , Nefertihiti and Butterfly Moon . He sticks with Miss Katina because that was the first one he knew . She sings from deep in her big belly , up and up through her nose and out over her teeth . Once she told him how her daughter died - freezing in the night on a roadside in Virginia - and how she could never again sing ' Autumn Leaves ' . She wept so mournfully , he almost believed her . Old Sam sits by himself , a wasted little elf with silver and jet curls , with a speaking voice dry and lonely . When he sings ' Three Coins in a Fountain ' he has a rich baritone that seems not to belong to him . The surprise he causes delights him . His eyes crinkle when he sees jaws dropping . He eats up the applause with kid delight and no one wants to stop beating their hands together for him . When the claps at last subside , there 's a gentle sadness that steals back into his blue eyes . He turns toward the table where he sits , the smile fading , but not quite leaving him . The stout man with the opera voice sings things like no one else , songs with Italian words that make him throw out his hands when he trills them . Marcus doesn 't know his name , but he thinks of him as Senor Lieberman . His affectation is Italian , and clearly his appetite , but there 's something about him that makes one think he grew up in the back of a Jewish deli . He reminds Marcus of a boy named Ira , who he loved when his hair was still golden . The senor has mastered something that would never fly at the Met . He renders opera small and tender , making the epic explosions into soft confessions for the midnight hour . Maybe it 's something about the way he sings that makes Marcus remember past loves . He cries every time , clasping the senor 's hand fervently and whispering , " You bastard . " Before the bar closes and the others shuffle out , the Lovely Man casts Marcus a glance from under his long lashes . He smiles and says , " We can 't turn out the lights until you sing us out . " Marcus blushes and he wants to protest , but he won 't because it seems silly when all the others mustered the courage . He smiles back at the Lovely Man and they begin . When Marcus sings , he starts rough and ends sweet . The engine needs to warm . If the first song is short , he 's usually asked to do another . His poor voice is broken , he was told long ago , but he made it into something of his own . It 's a woman 's voice , but a woman who had it bad from the word go . She 's tough and hard and bittersweet , but more sweet than bitter , not that she 'd want that to get around . When he sings ' All of Me ' , people look away - it feels like peering into a window - but they listen close . Published on November 13 , 2013November 13 , 2013 by paulmiller74Leave a comment The house the Hurley 's built was named Primrose . Folks called it ironic because the Hurley girls were neither demure or pretty . Alice was broad across the back , her mouth an angry pen stroke under a nose that begged a full pair of lips . The older sister , Tansy , was as grey and crooked as a melting snowman . Even in youth , when her grey was brown , she 'd never had a bloom . She had a laugh like a cat who lost its breath and she found things funny when no one else did . They were inseparable , the Hurley girls , not that anyone had ever wanted to break the set . Tansy kept up the house while Alice earned their living looking after an estate up the road . It was a job she fell into nice and easy . The Washingtonian lawyer who owned the place was rarely out except a few weekends a year . He got to talking to Alice one Sunday in the pub where she was manager . The tall homely woman wasted no words and she asked good questions . He 'd been impressed with her manner for years , since she came on as a barmaid . People said she was given the run of the pub because no one could stomach fish and chips from a woman with a pie hole that sour , but if they 'd been fair , they 'd have admitted she kept the place tight . The lawyer offered her five dollars more a week than she was getting and she took the job at once . When she hung up her long apron for the last time and walked down the pub garden to the street , someone said the dead lilac outside the kitchen bloomed again for the first time in twelve years . The folks in town loved ugly jokes about the Hurley sisters . The favorite one was about the new preacher , who went to have tea at Primrose before he found out they wanted no god over or under their roof . He said they served him out in the back yard under a battered sycamore that held up one end of the clothes line . While they were sipping , the older one suddenly grabbed her arm and said , " Oh , Alice , a snake bit me . " The preacher looked down and saw the snake writhing on the ground . He never had to sully his pious mouth with the punchline . Instead he 'd pause for affect and let someone else beat him to it . " You know them Hurley girls is mean enough to kill a snake . " Alice hadn 't much to do out at that estate . She toured the grounds each Monday to make sure the gardener did his work . Every Wednesday , she walked the house through . If it smelled like piss , she set mouse traps . If it smelled like mold , she had a plumber check the pipes . If the lawyer wired he was coming out , she hired in a few girls from Front Royal . She liked the black girls best . They worked the afternoons straight through and they were cheap enough she could skim some of the allowance . They took all the dust covers off the furniture and the chandeliers , gave everything a good rub with beeswax , and sprinkled the rugs with lemon water after vacuuming them . She never had Tansy out to help , though her sister was good at house work . Just once , at the beginning , she let Tansy walk the house with her . That decided it . Alice knew they might quarrel about it , so she waited until Tansy made her supper before she broached it . They were listening to jazz records and killing a bottle of moonshine on the back porch when she said it plain . " I can 't have you in that lawyer 's house . You 're too embarrassing . " " Always picking things up and wondering how much they cost . You ain 't got no pride , Tans , no pride at all . You think he 'd have offered me that job if I was always mooning over him out at the pub ? Batting my eyelashes like an ignorant Smoot , saying I bet his sports car rides smooth ? " Tansy blinked at her sister , then got up to change the record . Leaning on the side of the house to take the pressure off her longer leg , she rifled through the box of albums . " What the hell are you on about , Al ? " " I 'm just saying that man gave me the keys to his house because he knows I don 't give a rat 's ass about all that fancy old furniture . You walking through there today , picking stuff up and saying things like , ' Oh , I bet that 's from England . ' No , ma ' am . I don 't need that around me , making me nervous . Besides , you 're supposed to play it cool . " " Who cares ? " she asked the porch ceiling . The chipped boards were silent . " The problem with you , Al , is you care too much about folks . Whether they think you care , that 's what you 're always going on about . ' Don 't make so much noise about how much the cabbage costs , Tans ! You want them to think we can 't afford it ? ' Stuff like that . Who cares ? " Alice got so mad she almost threw her drink in Tansy 's face . Instead , she clamped her jaw closed for a moment , mulling over revenge . At last she let out a little laugh , delighted with herself over the tack she 'd chosen . " Well , maybe you care some , too . I see you putting on lipstick before the iceman comes . " Tansy just threw her face heavenward and hissed out a good laugh . She was hard to figure , the crooked thing , her hide thicker than her skull . Alice ought to have known better . When she recovered , Tansy gave her sister a leering glance , said , " Well , what you think , Alice ? Ain 't you seen the arms on that man ? " Alice cast her eyes out over the yard , tempted to spit her booze on Tansy 's begonias . Instead , she swallowed the lightning and burned on its fumes for a silent minute . Her sister was laughing again . " Tries to be , more like , " Alice said . " He 's not that manly . You seen that wife of his ? Sickly little thing with a flat ass . Looks like the runt of the litter . But she 's got them big sad eyes , too . I bet she 's got your man all trussed up ; gives him those weepy cow eyes whenever he steps out of line . " Alice shook her head . It crossed her mind to say , plain honest , that Tansy ought to throw out the lipstick and save herself the trouble . She knew they weren 't the beauty queen types , but not Tansy . Even when they overheard comments - and they 'd overheard plenty - Tansy shrugged them off . It was like she was blind to her own faults . Times aplenty Alice wanted to make her sister see things straight . She always bit her tongue in the end . Maybe they were all broken , herself and the whole world , too . Maybe being handsome was something to do with being simple and happy with yourself . Besides , as much as Tansy deserved it now and then , Alice would never side with the rest of them by holding up a mirror and trying to make her sister crack it . Published on November 9 , 2013November 10 , 2013 by paulmiller741 Comment The kids were drowsy by the time the sunset painted the big sky over Missouri orange and fuchsia . All day long they 'd found things to quarrel about . Most often Julie and Crosspatch sided together against Burpy . This was the usual way . They accused her of letting her snot drip just to gross them out . Burpy was singing terrible on purpose , they crowed , while the culprit screeched the Prince song playing on her Walkman . It was mean of them to make such a fuss about her snot ; Burpy was still getting over a cold . But Benny had to suppress a smile about the singing . Her little tow head did have the worst singing voice . Now they were in the home stretch of their long westward haul and the silence in the car was a blessing . Benny glanced over her shoulder at her brood . Julie was nose deep in a book and Burpy was sleeping . Crosspatch was looking out the window . His round chocolate eyes rolled to match her gaze . He 'd be asleep in minutes , she guessed , if the others stayed quiet . She gave him a little smile and he smiled back . She put a finger up to her lips and he let his head roll to his shoulder , his eyes returning to the rainbow sherbet sky . It was dark when they reached their hotel on the outskirts of the city , a row of rooms hunkered low on an acre of balding grass . Each door was turquoise . Weeds grew along the fence around the pool and on the gate a rusted sign read ' Watch Your Children ' . Mike stopped the car in front of the office and Benny watched him cross to the door with a heavy heart . He looked thicker than ever yet somehow very small . He carried himself like a man older than his years . She felt her heart agitate in her chest and she took a few breaths to chase off her sense of panic . It was hard to see her husband so whittled . He was a strong person . Never missed work , never broke promises . By Friday night he was dead on his feet , but on Saturday morning he was up first , making batter for the silver dollar pancakes the kids loved so much . This past week had been terrible for him . When their eyes met , his held something she 'd never seen in them before . The hazel was clouded , the whites shot with red . His mouth was broken and could not muster a smile . She felt a hand on her shoulder and found Julie sitting forward , watching Mike through the window of the office . He stood at the counter talking to a woman in a yellow smock . He pulled his checkbook out of the back pocket of his trousers . Julie was her eldest child , the one most like her father . She had his sharp eyes , his high forehead and his steady ways . The girl looked worried , so Benny gave her hand a pat . They didn 't wake the two little ones while they unloaded the luggage . Mike made sure he took the big suitcase out himself . The handle was broken and had to be carried a special way . There were a lot of things like that in their life : hinges that needed babying , appliances that needed a tap before they 'd run . He had a knack for all that sort of managing and if it bothered him , he never said . He didn 't like to complain . After all the suitcases and grocery store bags with kid clothes in them were on the beds , they opened the side doors as quietly as they could . Benny lifted Crosspatch out of the back seat while Mike reached in from the other side and got Burpy . She was damp with sweat and smelled like a chocolate candy bar . Julie stood outside the room , hugging herself because the night was chilly . Under strings of wind - blown hair , her eyes roamed the parking lot gravely . In the distance , cars and tractors hummed along the highway . A lot of people were still heading places . Earlier that year , Mike 's father had come to live with them . The two of them were cut from different cloths , people who knew them liked to say . Mike was good at figuring things . He worked in Washington , drafting contracts for the FDA . In a picture he 'd sent home years ago , he sat with overflowing ' out ' and ' in ' boxes to one side of him . A coffee cup with a dried drip on the handle held down a stack of paperwork in the foreground . Behind him , in soft focus , a secretary in a green dress was shifting the blinds . His eyes were lost behind a glare on his thick glasses , but his smile told them he was happy . On the back of the photo he 'd written , " Hey , folks , they 're keeping me busy . " Jarl thought that life looked like hell . He couldn 't imagine being in an office all day . He 'd spent his years out in the sunshine , growing peanuts and sometimes watermelon , hooking catfish out of the river and selling the yield . There were a lot of families , black and white and bronze , along the shaggy county roads and not one wife could resist his bright eyes or his tall tales . The sweet melons he brought , the bags of waffle - shelled peanuts and the strings of fish , they wound up in just about every kitchen there around . Some of the money came home to his wife and his two boys , but most of it went into the till at the Knotty Pine bar in midtown . It was a simpler life than the one his son lived , there was no doubt , but he never gave his liver much rest . It got worse after his wife died . By the time he came to live with his son 's family , he was worn pretty thin . Mike brought his father into their home because it was the right thing to do , but sharing space was hard , especially with a soul who came by happiness the hard way . It didn 't take them long to figure out things ran smoother when Jarl was drinking . If he was dry , he was sullen ; his gaze threatened frost bite if you crossed him . When he drank , his drawl went soft and lazy like a daydream . The frost melted and his eyes bloomed cornflower over his rosy cheeks . He puttered in the kitchen , making a split pea soup that left you homesick for the next bowl . He prowled the garden , leaning on his cane and turning over the tomatoes to check the other side . The girls found in the old man the thing his customers had seen . They saw the sparkle of his eyes , liked the silly way he told stories . Crosspatch could not warm to his grandfather . He had given up his room when Jarl came to stay . Crosspatch was a funny little boy , whimsical by turns , but older than his seven years . His chocolate eyes carried a lot of worries . Crosspatch had always kept his little green bedroom tidy . Every toy had a proper place . The bed was made as soon as he got up each morning . When Jarl took the room , he made it his own . The bed was left a tangle and the nightstand was piled with the tissues into which he emptied his sinuses through all his fitful nights . Crosspatch stormed through the room once a week , angrily jamming the dried tissues into the waste basket , yanking at the quilt until the bed looked like his again . Benny felt sorry for her father in law . From the window in the dining room , she saw him out in the yard sometimes , the wind molding his loose clothes to his frame , revealing the wreck of his once manly figure . His watery eyes carried many regrets , even when they were stormy and cold . His sun - spotted hands , open on his lap when he dozed , seemed too empty . She wondered how much he missed his fields and his fishing rods . In their house , he was tended to so that no harm could befall him , but Benny sensed his was not such a great life . He was just killing time now and he knew it as well as anyone else . Last Sunday morning , they woke to a heavy frost . The cars in the driveway were silvered over , the grass white sugar crusted . A sparkling sun promised to melt the dew , yet it seemed like the kind of day to stay in out of the wind . Mike and the kids piled up in front of the television to watch an old black and white movie on channel five . Benny took refuge in the kitchen , phoning her sister and riffling through her recipe box . She tossed out magazine clippings ruthlessly , in one her moods suddenly to be rid of dead weight . After about an hour , her neck got stiff from clamping the receiver between ear and shoulder . When an argument in the family room erupted , she took it as an excuse to say goodbye and hang up . Burpy had tried to tap dance like the lady in the movie and when the dog joined in , circling her and barking , the other two revolted . Jeering loudly , Julie and Crosspatch had finally succeeded in booing their sister off her imagined stage . She and the dog had retreated to a corner , from where they were casting vengeful glances when Benny stepped into the room . Crosspatch was still riled up . When they got back in from the barn , Mike 's dad had started to make up a batch of lima beans , sizzling up a fatty cut of bacon before opening one of their canning jars into the pot . One look at his glowing cheeks told them he was in a soft mood . He 'd been nursing his bottle in his room all morning . The movie had ended or else the children had tired of it . The television set was off , the curved glass reflecting back a view of the room , aglow in chilly autumn sunlight . Benny headed to their room to lie down and read for a while . Mike went to find the kids . They were all together , the upsets of the morning forgotten , laying together on the bed they had shared since Jarl moved in with them . As Mike came to the door , Crosspatch was telling one of his stories and the girls were pretending to sleep . In a grave voice , Mike said , " I see little people who need to be tickled . " Julie rolled on her side with a groan and Burpy followed suit . Crosspatch kept to his storytelling , but a grin betrayed him . He heard his father . Mike loved tickling the kids . He liked to announce it first , then to close in for the attack . He wouldn 't believe anyone who said it wasn 't as fun for the tickled as it was for the tickler . That afternoon , he was merciless . Armpits , bellies , knees . He knew where to get a giggle from each one of them . Benny was the first to smell something burning on the stove . She bolted past the door to the kids ' room . Mike rolled off the bed and barreled after her . They found Jarl on the kitchen floor . His face was a lurid violet . Mike knelt beside him and called his name and shook him , his voice rising , growing sharp , breaking . Benny was on the phone instantly , but by the time the paramedics came , there was nothing they could do . The blood receded from his cheeks , taking his whiskey bloom with it , leaving his eyes as pale and distant as the skies over his old home place . It was impossible to shield the children from seeing . There was no time to think in all the confusion . The girls were sobbing in the family room , as confused as they were sad . Crosspatch just stared , unable to find tears . It was ten before they got settled in the hotel room . It was too late to go out for food , so Mike and Benny poured over the yellow pages , shoulder to shoulder , looking for a pizza place that delivered . In the soft glow of a single lamp , the cheap little room felt close and safe . One forgot the smell of mildew that had first greeted them . For tonight and tomorrow night , this would have to be home , until the funeral was over and they made the trip they had just made in reverse . The children were murmuring softly to each other , piled on the other bed , waiting for their bath . Despite the long dusty ride , Benny still smelled a little like her morning shower . The warmth of her was a comfort and he was awash suddenly in gratitude . He 'd been shaken , beaten and stunned since last Sunday . In a moment , all he still had came back to him . The little voices . The shampoo on Benny 's hair . Her hopeful smile , the sad watchful eyes . The four homely walls that stood against the wind to keep them warm . He could still be happy , he could find it again . Just not now . It wasn 't time yet , he sensed as an animal knows things , but the reminder that life would wait for him left him trembling with humility and thanksgiving . He did not realize he 'd grabbed hold of her , that he was clinging to her and crying into her hair . The children had gathered around , their little hands patting his arm in comfort . Let them hold him , he thought , as he had held them all . Published on November 3 , 2013November 3 , 2013 by paulmiller74Leave a comment The school bus had twenty - seven stops on Dumpling Ridge Road . The last one was for the Gilbert twins , who were a boy and girl and not two girls or two boys . They didn 't look anything alike either . Victor was pudgy and brunette with white skin and nibbled down finger nails . Deena was slender and blond , her grey eyes trimmed in long white eyelashes . From licking them all the time , her chapped lips looked like cracked glaze on doughnuts . Their house was so far up the ridge , there was twelve minutes between the next to last stop and theirs . Deena read quietly from magazines about antique furniture . Victor stared out the window with a finger plugging one ear . The bus driver thought they were weird children . When he got home , he 'd strip down to his socks and boxers first thing , make himself a cheese sandwich on Wonder bread and tell his partner the same joke . His partner gave back a half smile and a grunt . In what he called his other life , he 'd been a mailman . Now he spent his days watching soap operas and making miniature worlds in old fish tanks . This was a man who could craft elf houses out of polymer clay for hours . With that kind of patience , he could tolerate the same joke every day for nine months of the year . When they were let off , the Gilbert twins had a long driveway to walk . They never said goodbye as they thumped down the bus steps . They never looked back or waved , but the driver was already gunning the engine to get out of there . They lived with their grandparents . The grandmother was a sturdy woman with long white hair in a braid down her back . Her arms were covered in faded tattoos . The walls of her little office were plastered with pictures from her youth when she was a roller derby queen . It wasn 't easy to go down memory lane near her husband . Fred always took it as an opportunity to sermonize on the way the world had gone since they were young . He said things like , " Simpler times back then , Bets . Now you got faggots in the White House and prostitutes running the courts . " She rolled her eyes . Political antagonism was the only heat left in their marriage . Over the years she 'd stubbornly held her ground as a mid - century liberal , while he careened rightward after Reagan . She told herself he 'd had a shower of strokes when Clinton got elected . It allowed her to pity him instead of shoving a knife in his back . He spent most of his time in his wood shop , listening to AM radio or opening clips from Fox news his old navy buddies emailed to everyone they ever knew . When he aimed to get his wife 's goat , he hurled insults in peculiar sets , like mismatched salt and pepper shakers . His pairings had a certain poetry to them , no matter how nonsensical . Bets was not one for debates . She usually picked up her purse and the keys to the truck and drove the kids into town for ice cream . There was a place on a side street called Pop 's . You could sit out at a picnic table in the warm months or in the overheated little dining area in winter . People in their town took ice cream very seriously . This was not a seasonal business . The twins had funny ways about them , but they liked ice cream as much as any kid . Victor always got chocolate . He ate it fast , his finger in his ear , and waited for the headache . As much as it hurt , it fascinated him . His sister ate her strawberry sundae very slowly . Victor sat watching her , jealous that he 'd already finished his . Deena 's lips changed while she was eating the ice cream . They got soft and smooth from the pink cream . She licked them over and over again on the way home until they got crusty and dry again . No one in her family noticed ; no one suggested chap stick or made her stop licking . Her favorite thing was this one porcelain lamp . Just below the tasseled shade , a party of French aristocrats played violin and spinet . They were dressed in pink coats and ruffled gowns and on their cold white faces , they each wore the same peaceful expression . " That 's just beautiful , " Bets said every time she finished with the Pledge and an old toothbrush . " Look at the details , kids . That 's what quality looks like . " The twins weren 't sure why their grandparents were raising them . Fred let it slip once that their father might have been anyone . Their granny was so instantly furious , she sacrificed one of her teapots to get him in the back good and square . Later the boy helped her clean up her mess and tried to comfort her by saying it was one of the ugly ones . " Thanks , honey , " Bets said , her tears meeting on the tip of her nose as she bent down with the dust pan . " Now you go find your sister . I think she went out into the woods . " Victor didn 't like the task . He wasn 't sure how he felt about Deena . Everyone said they ought to be close . They ought to know each other better than most brothers and sisters . There was supposed to be a connection . He couldn 't decide if it was true . In the end , he didn 't have to search the woods for her . Their grandparents came out onto the back porch together and Fred said , " Come on , you two . We 're going to Pop 's . " One winter Victor got pneumonia really bad and they had to put him in the hospital . Deena waited in the lobby outside the gift shop , perched on the edge of her chair so she could make her shoes squeak on the linoleum . The windows of the gift shop were crowded with teddy bears and pastel trinkets . There were bursts of daisies in cheery mugs . She wanted to look closer at the toys , but the old woman behind the counter gave her mean looks when their eyes met . Her hair was short and tightly curled , washed a pale shade of violet , and she wore a tiny gold cross on a chain around her neck . Under her pink ribbed sweater , you could see where her bra pinched her lumpy frame . A nurse breezed by and stopped at the soda machine down the hall . She got herself a Mountain Dew and stepped into the gift shop on her way back . Deena could hear some of what they were saying . She was pretty sure they were talking about her . On the way home that night , Bets didn 't talk . She was someone who liked to tell stories while she drove . Usually she knew a little bit of something about the people in the houses on their route . Once she talked about two old maids who lived in a blue cottage outside of town ; one of them had an iron lung and the other one fell in love with a Korean who worked at the Chinese restaurant . They couldn 't get married because of their families . Another time she said , " That 's where your bus driver lives . I 'll tell you about that when you 're older . " They were climbing one of the big hills on their road now . It was the hill the bus always had trouble with in the winter . One time , Mr . Day had to back down really slow and start up again . Everyone of the kids had been white with terror . Tonight the roads were clear , but the truck engine rumbled angrily all the same . It was no easy patch , no matter the weather . Deena blinked at her and waited . Bets let out the dish water , shrugged and turned to face her , " People are shits , honey . At least , that 's how I see it . We belong up here . " As they climbed the mountain that night , Deena wasn 't sure what to think of her granny 's moody silence . She wondered if Victor was ever going to make it home . Her mind turned over the things the nurse and the gift shop lady had said . The cold winter moon was peering at them through the windshield while a spidery veil of tree limbs flew across its face . She gave her granny 's elbow a squeeze and Bets pulled away for just a second so she could hook her arm over Deena 's slender little frame . It was warm in the truck , the heater blowing hot in their faces . Published on November 1 , 2013November 2 , 2013 by paulmiller741 Comment I cannot manage to sleep tonight . Each time I begin to doze , I find my mind turning over the thing I heard last Sunday , when we had the new doctor to the house . Obsessive thoughts are common when the year turns again to autumn . The white witch of winter peers at us though the forest , promising mischief and isolation . Last night I dreamed of bloody skulls and women hurling themselves into darkness . I lay the blame wholly on the handsome young physician . The doctor is a pleasant dinner companion , despite the rumors coming out of town about his coldness . His manners are impeccable and he chooses his every word with care , which might be mistaken for a kind of stiffness , yet he has a gentle warmth that came through more and more as the evening unfolded . He was fastidiously polite about the meal , although we had made nothing very special . And he had many nice things to say about the house , though Agnes and I are the first to admit we 've neglected it terribly these last years . The most remarkable thing about his visit , though , would have to be the story he told . It was about a woman he once met in a village in the south called Severance . It took Agnes a while to understand him ; she was sure he was saying St . Vance and there was entirely too much discussion about that . By the time we all agreed it was an amusing mistake and that likely there was no saint by that name , the cocktails had lost their chill . I think the doctor was shocked when I said the drinks were no longer laughing at us and we ought to toss them out and start anew . After he left , Agnes said it made us look frivolous and I bit my tongue because there is nothing so tiresome and middle class as a rout when guests go home . Before I get to the meat of the story , I had best say the doctor was very conscientious about his oaths as a physician . He gave us a pretend name for the woman in the story , lest by some chance we should have ever heard of her . He said we should call her Claudine Allard . Agnes asked if we ought to construe that she was French and because it was not a bad question , I paused as I shook our new batch of drinks , as to hear the doctor 's reply . That caused me to chuckle . I could see it amused Agnes , as well , because her eyes flashed merrily as she accepted the fresh cocktail I held out to her . She said , " My grandmother liked to say she was a Catholic and a Liberal , but first and foremost she was French . " I wagged my finger at the doctor . " I should take that as a warning , young man . In twenty - seven years , I 've never been able to stop her asking too many questions . " The doctor settled back in his chair with a bit of color in his cheeks . Perhaps our silliness was embarrassing to him , I thought briefly , but next he smiled and said , " I think Ms . Poe is delightful . I myself have a love of curiosity . " " When I was through internship , " he began . " My father found me a job working in a surgery in this town I mentioned . Severance . It was a grim little place . Never recovered from the picking over the carpetbaggers gave it . Everywhere one looked , mills were grinding to a halt , cotton fields going to scrub . My father had no notion the town was so poor . A dear friend of his at university was their sole physician and he spoke of it with the love of a loyal native . He wrote my father about the grand estates , the elegant manners of the meager old guard . He never mentioned all the poor and dirty children , black and white , who were lucky to get a meal a day . " " The doctor and I spent much of our time with the poor . They were most of the population . I never complained to father . He 'd have called me home to Boston immediately . If I can say it without sounding a perfect horse 's ass , I had a poetic sense in the pink of my youth that I was doing the world a great service . " " In any event , perhaps I thought what I was seeing would teach me the true horrors of life and I 'd return to New England , the prodigal son , to write a searing essay on the maladies of the South . The nation would be called to action . There would always be soup in the pot and cornbread in the oven when I was through . At the very least , I thought I was helping in my way , day by day . " He raked a hand through his curls . I could tell by the gleam in Agnes ' eye she was quite smitten with him at that moment . It was impossible not to be . Nothing is so attractive in the young as a sense of righteousness . It can also make them ugly . Still , I gave him an encouraging smile . " From the first , I 'd been hearing about this grand old place called Petit Lac . It was different from the others , I came to find out , because the family had never gone broke in the civil war . The same people - the Allard family - had owned it sense the land was little more than a swamp , they said , with Indian villages and the like . Although it was a mile away , on a clear day you could see its columns from the town . " " Well , although one could see the poetry in the place from all that distance , I had little reason to ponder it much , what with trying to chase away fevers and patch up fingers busted on grist wheels . Then one day my boss said he had a note from Petit Lac . We were needed there immediately . I still remember his wry tone as he pulled the note from his breast pocket and said , ' It 's a royal summons , young man . Take heed . ' " " When we got to the gates of the plantation , the sun was already smoldering low on the ridges . There were three freedman on the bridge to the house , the soft earthen pass that allowed cars over the water . They stopped us before we could cross . I knew one of the men . His name was Marshall . I 'd helped his daughter earlier in the year , when her leg was mangled in a harvester . We had to take it clean off , but she lived . He glowed with sweat in the twilight , his smile the warmest thing I would see in the coming hours . ' Hello , doctor sir , " he said . ' I hate to see you out here tonight . ' " I wasn 't sure of his meaning . His eyes dropped away from me , and he said , ' We have to fix this here bridge , doctor sir . The culvert is cracked and we 're putting in a new one . You 'll have to cross the lake on the little raft down below . ' " We parked my employer 's car on the road , took our leather cases and met the man who waited at the raft . He was a quiet sort , his shape a tortured one , the spine quite twisted . My mentor leaned in as we crossed , told me the name of the flu that had left the man in such a state . His eyes in the dimming light were sad . I remember how the crooked man looked against the orange twilight . Despite his malady , he got us across swiftly . The old physician seemed quite moody as we set off on foot again , so I asked him questions about the history of the estate . " He told me about a gory uprising between the Indians and the settlers as we walked . They said a man came across the head of a native in the midst of the battle , so freshly cut from the neck that the eyes were still roving about with a glower of accusation . Queerly enough , he laughed a little as he said , ' The Indian head asked the man if he were the one who had cut him and by the time he composed himself enough to say he was not , the eyes had grown quite glassy . ' " When we got to the house , a dark woman in long , old - fashioned skirts led us down the gallery . I was at last walking among those grand columns I had seen from town . Even in the wan light , I could see what I had not guessed from afar . The brick was in need of white wash and the floor boards were eaten here and there by vermin . " We went through a set of glass doors opening onto a dark library . Walnut shelves climbed fifteen feet into the air all around . There might have been tens of thousands of books . They were so old , I knew at a glance the family must have bowed before devils to keep the collection safe during the war . Unlike the other plantations I had visited in that year , this one owed none of its crumbling rot to the cruel hands of looters . " The thing pulling this old place apart was simply neglect . I knew that the moment I got a glimpse at the man laid on a bed at the center of the room . The captain of this ship was all but dead . The face above the brocade mantle was so creased and pale , I was sure I could glimpse each vein running beneath the skin , if only I had the light of day instead of dusk to aid me . " At this point in his tale , I noticed Agnes shivering . I stood and went to close the doors to the porch , but she stopped me . " Oh , the goose bumps are lovely , Margaret . Sit down and let him tell the tale . " " When my mentor pulled away the old colonel 's covers , we could see all the more how wasted he was . Our eyes met as they had before and if words could be printed on the cornea , ours would have born an identical print : cancer . We ordered him tea and mixed a medicine to ease his suffering . I allowed my eyes to roam the salon . When I noticed the portrait over the hearth , I felt the breath leave my body . " The woman in the painting was likely the most beautiful person I had ever seen . Here I must confess that I had a brief love affair with art when I was younger still . I connived to study painting and sculpture in Paris before I settled on a physician 's studies . I was no stranger to the flattery a painter is capable of when he must pay his rent by the patron . In this one , I recognized both the talents of a man who is well known to us all , but also I was convinced beyond a doubt of the honesty of the piece . The woman in the painting , with her long honey hair and her dark , wretched eyes was not the compliment of a hungry artist . Her beauty was her own possession . I could sense the longing of the artist to portray it in every brush stroke . " The young physician laughed at himself . He said , " Well , I know I am sounding very dramatic . But in the next moment , the woman herself appeared . She stood in the doorway of the library , tall and proud , dressed in black as though she knew where the next days would land her , on the grim hillside plot where the rest of her clan was buried . " She managed a little smile as she crossed to us . She said to my mentor . ' How long does he have ? ' I was shocked , I admit , by her blunt manner . I glanced away , but I sensed she was watching me . " ' My grandfather is in much pain , ' she said . I cautioned a glance and met her eyes . They were a lovely , pale brown when the light hit them . The kind of brown that is almost green , like the rusty moss of the forest . " The good old doctor administered his medicine and the patient lay still , though his pallor was a grey that would stay with him until the end . The granddaughter left us for a bit . I could not keep from peering at her painting . When she returned a while later , she had troubling news . ' I 'm afraid the bridge collapsed while the men were trying to secure the new culvert . Damned stupid of them not to quit when they 'd lost the light . No one was hurt , thank heavens , but the raft was rather badly broken . You 'll have to stay over the evening . We can get another one from up lake by morning . ' " There was nothing for it but to accept our fate . Shortly after , we took dinner with her in a dining room far too large for three souls . There were two hearths at either end , both of them roaring with good logs . She sat at the head of the table in a familiar manner , as one who might have taken the liberty for a good while . The food was rich and our wine glasses were kept quite full . She told us amusing little stories , all the while fidgeting with her knife . She laid it flat and spun it in circles on the mahogany top or else she held it straight up and down , the tip on her plate , turning it to see it glint in the fire light . I barely noticed her fascination with it at the time , but I recalled it later and have never forgotten it . " There was something about her I found hard to fathom . When we were in school and our masters talked about compassion , I knew only the meaning of the word . Later I learned the feeling of it in all those sad little cottages of Severance . I felt it most keenly one night when I held a dieing boy in one hand and the hand of his father in the other . The father could not bare to touch the son just yet . It is hard to describe how I felt about Claudine . I did not know her , which might account for my lack of compassion , but still there was something about her that made sense of my coldness . She was beautiful but ugly . " Later the doctor and I were led to a set of guest rooms at the top of the old house . Everywhere I looked , I could see the portraits and the traces of the men and women who called this place their home and who were now amongst the dead . The damask on the walls was split open , fine gowns clinging to bones . Up there the air itself smelled of rot . " Though it was hard to feel at home there , I staved off my morbid fancies and managed a sort of half sleep . Not long after I dozed away , I woke with a sense that someone was in the room with me . I must have cried out in alarm , because her voice came to me , cold and clear . ' It is only I , physician , ' she said . ' Claudine . ' " ' Only himself , ' she said oddly . Her voice was so miserable , I felt a shiver despite the warmth of the room . Then she told me everything in an instant , unasked , as though the wave of her sad life had at last found a shore to break against . " He blushed then , our young doctor , and Agnes and I exchanged a glance . He continued , " I had never heard of the kind of things she told me . Perhaps in the darkness , I was merely a priest and she at a kind of confession . Her mother left Petit Lac when she was young . She was an adventurer . She wrote stories for magazines about travels all over the globe . Her choices scandalized her family and the old colonel was known to tell his closest friends his daughter was dead . But when the woman did in fact pass away - and left behind Claudine - he took his granddaughter in with the diligent haste of a fine old saint . " Yet when his granddaughter became a young woman , when she flowered , as was his word for it - or the French word perhaps - something changed about the old man . His gaze was different . She said his eyes had a heat she could feel on her skin . He brought her jewels from the vaults under the house . He ordered gowns for her that caused the servants to look away when she wore them . He told her she was beautiful so often , she learned to hate her own reflection . " I was horrified by how quickly I figured her meaning . I thought about asking her to stop telling me . At last she said into the darkness , ' One night , I knew there was nothing left but to surrender . And so it has been these last years . ' " " She stopped after she told me the worst of it . I didn 't know what to say and so we were silent for a while in that dark room . Only a bit of moonlight , coming over her shoulder , told me that she sat near the window . Finally , I said , ' That 's monstrous , ' or something of the kind . " She heaved a sigh then , and I 'm almost sure , but not absolutely convinced , she said , ' Thank you . ' Then she stood and opened the window . I was still sitting up in the bed . The chilly night breeze chased off the musty odor quickly . For a moment I thought she only meant to air the room , but she stood there so long , I began to wonder if she had more to say . Then she did something quite astonishing . The last thing she ever did . She lifted a foot and stepped up into the window sill . Without glancing back at me , she hurled herself out into the night without a cry . I realized later she must have been praying before she jumped . " I rose despite the futility of any action . When I glanced down , she was twisted and bloodied on the stones below . I told myself I would carry her secret , but yet I wondered if they would think I had pushed her . Then another thought came to me and hastily , still shaken , I managed to dress myself and find my way to the bottom of the stairs . Despite the gloom , I found the colonel 's library , lit one of the lamps on the desk , and carried it to his sick bed . " The doctor stood and braced himself on the hearth . I could see he was trembling . The mood of the room had changed . Hang the crackle of our little fire . His face , as ashen as gravestone , chased away every thought of cheer . " Before she came to my room to tell me of their wretched arrangement , " he said . " She had cut away his face , ear to ear , hair to chin , leaving only the skull to stare up to the ceiling . I have turned myself inside and out trying to understand why . " |
Working the Local Liquor Store around eleven this morning . Then a two hour break , then Rock Club . Should be fun , but I 'm really looking forward to having tomorrow off and getting some rest . Computer still fucked , so I can 't upload NYC pics . The thing isn 't even paid for yet and it 's already crashed . Not a good sign . Anyway , I 'm going to walk the boys before work . Hopefully I 'll have something fun to report later . * Later * Well , that was exciting . The LLS was particularly busy due to the impending Big Game . Gods I 'm glad I no longer work in a sports bar . If I had to work tomorrow I would surely shoot somebody . Anyway , at least most people were in a good mood . The b . h . has had a tour - related neck injury . No , not the infamous " rock neck " , but just as insidious : Couch Neck . Seems he slept somewhere too soft and woke up unable to turn his head much . Thankfully it was the last day and he didn 't have to play in that condition . We went to the chiropractor yesterday and he spent the evening on the couch icing and self - medicating whilst I slung drinks . The first two bands were underwhelming and gay , respectively . First I was exposed to the new 0F M0ntreal record , which was , to put it politely , not my cup of tea . Next was a decent enough band from Nashville , followed by a soul ( ? ) band made up of some Atlanta all - stars . The lead singer was wearing red pants of the new - fangled and short - waisted variety , which rode so low that they didn 't even come close to touching his red vest / sleeveless shirt combo . Later I referred to the hair in that part of his mid - section as a Trail of Tears . I had meant to say Happy Trail , but what came out was far more fitting . I don 't know who told that guy that those pants were a good idea , but they ought to be slapped . The Modern Skirts were fantastic , as usual . I don 't own and have not heard the new record , but the material they played from it was catchy and fun . It 's really cool to see them playing to such a large and responsive crowd , having been there years ago when they sucked out loud to six peopPosted by The restaurant was packed with a hipster brunch crowd of 25 to 35 - year old people who looked like they had also just gotten off a plane from Athens . K took my bags and shoved them in a back hallway , and I elbowed my way to the bar , where I was served a fantastic cup of coffee and a tiny dish of fried dough balls ( doughnut holes ) . I ordered eggs florentine and chatted a few minutes with the bartender , who I immediately liked . After virtually inhaling my food and three cups of coffee , I went out for a stroll to kill some time while K finished up work . Having no real idea where I was going , I just started off in a general direction . It was cold - colder than I expected , and dirty . Walking under a highway overpass it brought to mind a specific corner where I regularly sat at a red light in my old neighborhood in Chicago . There is a specific bus emission / old urine smell that makes me just a bit nostalgic for the late nineties every time , and I was momentarily soaking in it , and it was good . My phone rang in my pocket . I talked to the b . h . for a moment , remarking that very guy that passed my on the street looked like A . J . ( obviously way ahead of his time , fashion - wise , that one ) , and then begging off the phone because I had left my gloves in my bag and I had to keep my hands in my pocket for fear of them falling off . I walked about a mile all told , then headed quickly back to the restaurant for another cup of coffee . By the time K was finished I was nearly vibrating from all of the caffeine . I stopped at the health food store next to the restaurant to replace my Burt 's Bees lip balm ( Never leave home without it ! ) , which was marked at $ 4 . 49 , but I was only charged three dollars and change . Sweet ! We went back to K 's house , where i dropped my bag on the floor in the kitchen in front of the stove . It remained there until I left . We changed clothes and headed out . I thought we were just going for a walk around the neighborhood , so I stopped at a polish bakery and bought some kolackys . We wound up going to dinner in ChinatowPosted by It went off at seven in the morning , at which point the dogs rolled over and looked at me like I was crazy ( I was ) . I hit the snooze button ( twice ) , then dragged my ass downstairs to make coffee . It was still dark outside , which I found highly upsetting . It was also raining steadily , which the boys found upsetting , because they had to go out in it in order to pee . I went the lazy route and re - heated Friday 's coffee in a pint glass in the micro - wave . I was too tired to care how awful it was . I tried to put my suitcase in the car surreptitiously , after feeding the dogs and putting a bit of half and half on their food to distract them . It didn 't work . These are smart animals . First they thought " we " were going somewhere , and they got really happy . Then when they realized that only I was getting in the car , they got upset . I left as quickly as possible . Despite the rain my drive to the airport was fairly easy . I got there and went to the economy parking lot , where I drove up and down every row in the " A " section before landing a spot at the very back . As I was getting out of the car and retrieving my suitcase from the back seat , I was passed by a courtesy vehicle - I use that term loosely - which was completely devoid of passengers . I flailed my arm for a moment in hopes that it would stop . It didn 't . There were no other people in the whole parking lot . I walked to the terminal in the rain , dragging my bags and my coat and cursing the courtesy vehicle , which I found parked on the near side of the lot , the driver smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone . There was no line at check - in . I checked a bag ( $ 15 ) because I was bringing two bottles of wine and a tube of toothpaste that was 4 . 19 ounces for K . Security was fairly easy since I had left anything questionable ( like potentially deadly shampoo and conditioner ) in my checked bag . I was therefore quite surprised when I was pulled from line after walking , shoeless , through the metal detector . " Is this your bag ? " asked the young man behind the screening counter . " Yes . " Posted by I 'm back , mostly alive , no thanks to cigarettes ( $ 9 . 25 a pack in Manhattan ! ) or alcohol , or the insane voodoo woman who cursed K on the subway . Unfortunately I can 't seem to get my camera to cooperate with the computer so I have yet to upload the pictures . Basically I don 't have it in me to tell the full story right now , but I had a great time and I can hardly wait to go back . Couldn 't live there , though . Not at this point in my life . I am glad to be home . I went to Shayne and Todd 's for an Obama party . Ate a whole lot of Jenn 's fabulous Cowboy Caviar , as well as some lovely roasted potatoes , cheese and crackers ( don 't know what kind of cheese , but it was hard and white and very tasty - kind of Manchego - ish ) , a salad , some kind of dessert cup pastry thingie with a custardy filling that Kellie made ( I had about fifteen of them probably ) , and a Rogue Yellow Snow IPA . Very tasty . Somehow I still managed to drag myself downtown for the rock show . Dr . Ass was not in attendance due to a potentially serious illness , which was a bit of a bummer , but the Dictatortots soldiered on , playing mostly the hits in an acoustic fashion . They did a new song called Three Word Band Name that was hilarious . I hope they post the lyrics on their website . Later when The Dumps took the stage , Andy said they 'd like to thank Hope for a Golden Dictatortot for opening the show . This is a funny joke if you are an Athens local with some knowledge of the music scene , but if you aren 't then you 'd be asleep before I could explain it . I laughed out loud and nearly shot beer through my nose . Hayride was in full force . Loud and fun and wanky when appropriate . They did some great covers , too . Wish I had the energy to go back and see them tonight with Jackpot City . I stayed for a few Dumps songs , but I did have to be at work early this morning , so I didn 't see the whole show . I did get to talk to several people I haven 't seen in awhile ( again ) , so that was fun . Did I mention that I 'm really excited about the new president ? I did smoke about two thousand cigarettes last night in an effort not to drink too much , so I woke up this morning wishing I were dead . I went to work moaning and grumbling ( and late ) , and when I got there Clay had an egg and cheese biscuit waiting for me . I could have kissed him . It was soaked - and I mean soaked through with grease , and I scarfed it down and felt instantly better . The day was long and difficult . I lifted a lot of heavy crap . I talked to very few people . I rather enjoyed itPosted by There 's just something really comforting about having a President that is smarter than me . It 's been a long time . We watched the Inauguration at D & S 's house , and then the guys piled into the van and headed out on tour . Today they 'll drive ten hours and sleep at a hotel somewhere in Virginia , and tomorrow they 'll drive several more hours and then play a show . I won 't be seeing the b . h . again until Sunday night ( Booooooo ) in New York City ( yaaaaaay ) . Luckily I have lots to keep me busy . I am off today , so I will be attending a bash at Shayne and Todd 's and then going to the 40 Watt for the Dictatortots , Hayride , and The Dumps . I have to work early tomorrow , then I 'll come home and eat and walk the dogs and be off to a French Wine Seminar , which could only be better if I didn 't have to drive myself there . Thursday I 'm off during the day , so I will likely try to get lunch with my friend MT , then I work Thursday night and Friday morning . After that I 'm off to New York . I seriously can 't wait . At 4 : 50 , a guy came in and asked Adam for Lagunitas Maximus . This is a fantastic beer , and normally we do carry it . We have many varieties of Lagunitas beers , and more IPAs than you can shake a stick at , but this guy was only interested in Maximus . So Adam apologizes to him and says , " We do have it at the other store . " " I 'm not goin ' to the other store I live in Monroe ! " the man snapped , at an unnecessary volume . I waited approximately ten seconds before shouting from the other side of the store : " Ten minutes Adam ! " All of the employees laughed out loud . Apparently the man was calmer when he came up front to check out . Just returned from a dinner party at the home of some friends . We never get to do that anymore , and I was glad for the opportunity . We had a few red wines , as well as a lovely German beer that Sam recommended ( I can 't remember the name at the moment , but I am sure to buy more so I 'll report back ) . I can 't say much about it except that it 's nice to act like regular adults once in awhile . Eating at a proper table , without the company of a television but with the company of friends and friends of friends , is a luxury we don 't often afford ourselves . If I were a resolution type of girl , I 'd resolve to do this more often . Since I 'm not , I 'll just say I 'm working on it . I 've just given the boys some Bully St1cks ( G00gle it if you don 't know ) because more than anything I need a few minutes of quiet . Last night was awesome . So awesome , in fact , that I didn 't even start home until 5am . I worked my ass off for several hours . I had forgotten how much it hurts to open hundreds of beer cans , and wound up having to put electrical tape on my can - popping finger to reinforce my nail . The customers were mostly nice , except for the guy who was already pissing us off at 9 : 30 ( the doors opened at nine ) . We was a big , goofy , red - necky guy in a button down shirt , camouflage pants , and checkered vans . Strange . Loud . We all tried nicely to get him to back off and slow down a bit . He was in our faces , as well as the faces of any and all customers who happened up to the bar when he was near ( which was often , because he was a thirsty boy ) . I finally decided to cut him off because I didn 't want him running all the other people off and sending them to the other bar . So when he came up and ordered , five shots of Jagerm3ister , I smiled sweetly and shook my head . " What ? " " Nope . Can 't do it . Sorry . " " You want one ? " " No . " " Okay , make it six then . " " Not gonna happen . " " Seven ? " I shook my head . He leaned forward and looked at me blearily , clearly unable to do the math . " Why ? " " Look , you 're putting me in a difficult position here . If I give you these shots , you 're going to pound them all , pass out or get thrown out , and miss the show . And then you 're going to be really pissed off . " " We got tickets to tomorrow night . " " Not gonna happen . Seriously . " I didn 't see him for the rest of the night . I suspect he went over to the other bar and pissed them off and got thrown out . What a douche . The show was glorious , the money was great , and I got to catch up with the Centro - matic guys later . I wonder how often we will see them once we move . Anyway , good times were had by all , I was far too chatty for my own good , and I wound up leaving the club at five am , having smoked far too many cigarettes and knowing full well that i woulPosted by I still can 't get warm , and since the b . h . is on the road tonight I don 't suspect it will get any better . I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work to get some firewood , but they were out . Which means I will have to leave early for other work in order to stop at other grocery store . Keep your fingers crossed for me , kids , because I really don 't want to go traipsing around in the woods behind the house looking for wood when I get home at 4am . In other news , South San Gabriel was amazing . Also , I got to talk to several people who I rarely get to see , so that was fun . Crap . I guess I 'd better go get ready for work . That 's what our local weather says on The W3ather Ch @ nnel dot com . Fucking cold is what it is . Were it not for the musical stylings of South San Gabriel , I wouldn 't even consider leaving the house . Today was long and sucky . I knew it was going to be , so when i woke up this morning I stayed in bed for a long time thinking " but Mom , I don 't wanna go to school today ! to no avail . There was a huge delivery coming in first thing . More than two hundred cases of wine , and just two of us to deal with it . The first and largest delivery was already there when I arrived . I jumped right in and helped Lynn for several minutes before she was pulled away for something completely stupid that should not have come up today . I kept moving along , she returned , and we finished up that lot with little trouble . Next we had to move an entire display because it was crooked . We had to take all of the bottles off the top ( at least a hundred , but probably more ) , pull apart the whole display , shuffle some of the boxes to one side a few inches , re - build the display , and then put the bottles back on top . All the while I was thinking that I must have made a serious error somewhere , but I couldn 't put my finger on exactly where . I do have a degree and everything , so why all this heavy lifting ? Oh yeah - useless degree . Right , then . I 'll just keep doing what I 'm told . I convinced Lynn that we didn 't need to actually move both of the remaining displays , but that we could manage by simply rearranging them . This kept me from having to move an additional hundred cases . Instead we moved maybe thirty . In the process of this move , a 1 . 5 litre bottle became dislodged from the display and fell directly onto my knee , striking whatever the knee equivalent of my funny bone is . That rendered me incapacitated for several minutes , so I hobbled back behind the cash register and put on an ice pack and rang people out while Lynn finished up . By the time the next delivery hit , we were well prepared and it went into the freshly moved display without any hassle . Once wPosted by The weather has turned cold again , and now suddenly I 've remembered that I need to order firewood . Every year it gets to this time and I fool myself that because it is sixty degrees on my birthday we are out of the woods - Spring is in the air and all that . Not so . Never the case . And now it 's fucking cold , and I haven 't put up the heavy curtains or put the plastic insulation on the windows . And now I have an hour to kill before work and I 'm freezing . Having a day off without some kind of plan is dangerous . I 've been reading this 331 / 3 book about Murmur , which is great , but I 'm afraid if I lie down to read I will fall asleep again . The house is quite chilly . Later : Okay , now I 've cleaned the kitchen and the office , vacuumed , gone to the store for vacuum bags , done some laundry , and taken out two large bags of trash . i also donated two boxes of random shite to Goodw1ll . So I 'm rewarding myself with a Terrapin Dos Cocoas . It 's their new side project and I have yet to taste it . I 'll be sure and tell you how it goes . So I worked on the wine inventory for thirteen hours yesterday , which is why I didn 't check in . The bad news is that we didn 't finish it . The good news is that I was well fed . I picked up egg and cheese bagels from Dunk1n D0nuts on the way in , since the Bread Basket doesn 't do Sunday breakfast . Sam bought us brunch from F1ve and T3n . I split a 5 and Tenedict and French toast with one of my co - workers . It was really good , and I had a difficult time getting back to the task at hand . Day turned to night and punchy turned to stabby , and eventually I hit a wall and decided to go home . I missed a dinner party that the b . h . and I were going to attend . That sucked . Dinner was fried cheese sticks and beer . So inventory still isn 't done and my cholesterol is probably through the roof . Great . The rest is too boring to discuss , but suffice to say that as much as I might like some of my co - workers , being in close quarters with anyone ( aside from the b . h . ) for hours on end is not pleasant . Whew . The dogs and I started out on our usual walk , up the driveway past the pond and to the left . But today , instead of doing a quick round in the grass and then heading back to the right and up the street , the boys decided to keep going leftward and I decided to let them . We ended up going round the corner and then left into the woods back of the house . Kilgore marched boldly on , while Wyatt lagged . This meant both of them at the full length of their retractable leashes and me stretched between , urging Wyatt to hurry and politely asking KG to slow up , and often backtracking to untangle one of them when they 'd gone the wrong way around a tree or through some brambles . The result was that we went a very short distance and had quite an adventure . There were some small and very deep holes in the ground that I wondered about from a distance . They were maybe ten inches in diameter , and from a few feet away I couldn 't see the bottom . After wondering briefly what might have made them , I realized that this was perhaps not a question I wanted answered and moved on quickly . There was a lot of random crap abandoned out there , too . Hot water heaters ( multiple , which is bizarre ) , oil drums , and a huge pile of beer bottles and cans . . . it 's pretty fucked up out there , really . In any case , the boys had a good time and I didn 't have to walk all that far . After our walk I went off to work , which seemed longer than it should have , and now I 'm home and tired and I have to be up early to do inventory tomorrow . Pleh . I worked a regular nine to five today , then picked up the b . h . , came home to let dogs out , went to dinner with the b . h . Randomly ran into friends at the restaurant who happened to be sitting next to the only two open seats at the bar . I wasn 't even surprised , really , because that 's just how Athens is . We hadn 't seen them in ages and there was a lot of talk about trying to get together , and plans never made , and then suddenly there we all were . I don 't even remember the name of it , but we ate at the new Mexican place across from The Gr1t . I loved their salsas , and the lemon cream sauce on my enchilada was fantastic . I also really dug the jalapeno coleslaw . Consequently , I ate far too much . As we walked the block or so back to the car , i wondered how on earth I was going to drink beer with Shayne , which was my plan for the evening . But by the time I dropped b . h . off at practice and got over to Littl3 K1ngs , I felt just fine . Her other friend was just leaving , so while they said their good - byes I ordered up and Oaked Arrogant Bastard . It was just dandy . Not terribly different from the regular bastard , but enough to make it interesting . Shayne was hilarious , as usual . Just what the doctor ordered . A couple beers , a lot of shit talk , catching up on the usual b . s . Possibly going to a yard sale in the morning , if I can handle staying awake after dropping the b . h . off at work . I kind of doubt it . I do have to be up early , so I am signing off , but not without my Quote for the Day , courtesy of the b . h . : " She 's not like a hot lesbian . She 's more like the lesbian equivalent of a bear . " Awesome . I ran an errand to help out a friend of mine today . For this I was paid one hundred and fifty dollars , which is most of the cost of the plane ticket I will be buying for New York . I am finally going to visit K . Two weeks from tomorrow , in fact , and I am pretty blasted excited about it . I can 't stay long , and I haven 't even begun to think of what I might like to do - aside form the obvious eating like a pig and drinking some good beer , that is . I 've been to Central Park and the Empire State Building , but never to the Statue of Liberty . I 'm not above touristy stuff , but I can 't imagine standing in line at the statue in January being a pleasant experience , so maybe I 'll try to knock a museum off the list instead . I saw something in a book today about a Museum of Moving Pictures in Brooklyn , so that 's convenient . I will certainly be visiting the Brooklyn Brewery . That alone may cause my baggage to double on the way home . Mostly I just can 't wait to see K again and talk shit and drink and smoke too much . I 'll have to remember to get the name of Shayne 's favorite shitty dive bar , and I 'm hoping to hook up with an old friend who I haven 't seen in at least fifteen years . It 's all very exciting . The b . h . will be on tour , so although I will be seeing him on this trip ( at both The Mercury Lounge and whatever place they 're playing in Brooklyn ) , I am actually going to be flying solo . Should be interesting . I haven 't done it in seven years . Work was pretty hilarious tonight . We were all pretty busy with pre - inventory nonsense and feeling a bit punchy . At one point a guy I know came in and I was helping him pick out a beer . I asked if he had tried Arrogant Bastard . He had . Double Bastard ? No . Me neither . We settled on a Lagunitas Hop Stoopid , because he is as big a hops fan as I am . I walked with him up to the counter and we chatted while Allen rang him out . " Did you say you 've had the Double Bastard ? " Alan asked me . " No , have you ? " " Yeah . Wow . " " Is it good ? " " It needs like another year in the bottle . " " What do you mean ? What does itPosted by Today I got a birthday cake from a friend . It was devil 's food , three layers , with Kahlua frosting and chocolate chips . Fucking fantastic . So that was breakfast . I was smart enough to pass it around or I would surely have eaten the whole thing by lunch . It was a long and boring day . I don 't even have a good idiot story . It was windy as fuck , and a bunch of empty boxes blew all over the parking lot and I had to chase them down , but that was seriously as exciting as it got . Now I 'm at home on the couch trying to decide which beer I 'll have . I really want a Bell 's , but it 's not cold yet . Hmmmm . . . The b . h . was kind enough to leave a loaf of bread on top of the fridge last night , so our resident rodent didn 't have to wake us in order to get a meal . I 'll try to remember to post a picture of the bread tunnel at some point . It 's comforting , at least , in it 's smallness . Oh , now I hear geese . Between them and the daffodils that are sprouting up in front of the house , I can 't figure out how it is possibly January right now . I slept way in today . The b . h . brought me coffee , juice , and homemade strawberry scones in bed , along with a copy of Tropic Thunder ( which only reaffirmed my love for Robert Downey , Jr . and which I will likely watch as soon as I am finished with this post ) , and the new book The Clash , which is hot pink and coffee table sized . It was put together by the surviving members of the band , so there are all sorts of neat pictures and copies of old show fliers and the like . I love it . Now , if only somebody * cough * could keep the blasted coffee table cleared off , maybe it would have a place . . . So needless to say I stayed in bed forever , and then when I got up I puttered around a bit and then went out for coffee with Jamie , who I haven 't seen in what seems like forever . She gave me a really beautiful , soft , knitted ( by her ) washcloth and some hand made soap . We sat around and caught up and petted her dog Silver , and while she was inside getting her coffee I was treated to what I believe was an attempted conversion by an obviously misguided Christian man , who was speaking to what I gather from the conversation to be a gay man who wants to be " reformed . " The whole thing was quite odd , the conversation quite frank and very audible , even from across the patio at the coffee shop , and I kept looking around for the hidden camera that never appeared . It was about 62 degrees outside today , and it was all I could do not to call up a bunch of people and go get a drink somewhere and sit outside . Since I do have to be up in the morning I thought the better of it and instead came home . I 'm still firmly planted on the couch , contemplating a round of Playing Gods , which is my favorite new board game . Anyway , many thanks for the birthday wishes , everybody . XO . I was supposed to go to work at noon today , but I got a panicked call at ten thirty from my co - worker Lynn , who had just gotten a panicked call from our sales rep saying that the 225 cases of wine that were supposed to come on Thursday were actually arriving today at eleven . I gulped down the rest of my coffee and hurried off , arriving just after Lynn and obviously some time after the delivery driver , who was already stacking wine everywhere and every which way . The thing is , given enough lead time we usually tear down an old display , draw up a plan for the setup of the new one , and are usually able to just pop everything into place as it arrives . It is a lot of lifting and hard work , but pretty much par for the course and no big deal . Not so today . Lynn had the day off and was at home , sick in bed , when she got the call . Lucky for me all I had done was forgotten to put on deodorant . ( More lucky was the fact that I had it in my car ) . Anyway , after a tow and a half hour clusterfuck , we managed to get everything in place . Our boss made a phone call to the sales rep , who also happens to be a friend of the L . L . S . family , and gave him some shit , after which the slaes rep brought us a pizza from DePalm @ s . White sauce , broccoli , spinach , and red onions . Fucking fantastic . Tonight there was a cask of Highland Black M0cha Stout at Aroma 's , which I managed to talk the b . h . into attending despite the fact that he doesn 't drink . We had a cheese plate and I had a couple beers ( I skipped the cask beer after tasting it out of somebody else 's glass - good enough , but not exactly my cup of tea ) . It was actually very low - key and pleasant . We came home early and played a game of Playing Gids , a new board game that my sister and her husband bought me for my birthday . We 're still learning , but it is a lot of fun and a great way to mark the passing of another year . Now I 'm exhausted and really happy that I don 't have to work tomorrow . Yay loafing ! Happy Birthday to me . I had every intention of going to the Beef Silence show last night at the Caledonia . Not that I have any idea what Beef Silence sounds like , but anything Nick Bielli is involved in is generally entertaining , so I was all about it . Even the b . h . seemed inclined to socialize . Things were looking up as we drove home from work . I was famished when I got home , so I re - heated a bowl of veggie chili , poured on a generous helping of this sour cream jalapeno sauce that the b . h . had made for our dinner the previous night , and shoveled it all into my gullet as quickly as possible . After the initial stabbiness had subsided , I was sitting on the couch reading when the b . h . asked me if I wanted a black - eyed pea cake . That was what he had made the night before , along with the aforementioned cream sauce , caramelized onions , corn bread , green beans with orange rind and candies pecans , and greens with kalamata olives and garlic . I said yes to all of the above , and was soon finished with dinner , part two . At that point I decided to go upstairs and lie down a bit , and at that point , my night was pretty well over . I napped for two hours , and when came downstairs again I crawled onto the couch under a blanket . Still convinced that I would make it to the rock show , I turned on the coffee maker to re - heat the morning 's leftovers . After I drank it , I opened the front door and realized that the fog was so thick i could barely make out the car in the driveway . Oh well , so much for that . I had a few minutes hemming and hawing after , but it was only halfhearted . We watched an episode of Torchwood ( thanks for that recommendation , Jamie , I believe I 'm hooked ) and went to bed . I of course couldn 't sleep due to the nap and coffee , but I did have a Josephine Tey book to keep me distracted . When I was finally drifting off , I heard a crash downstairs . Fucking rodents again . Dammit . Today I finished reading Julie and Julia , about which I am still unsure how I feel . But at least it 's not lying on the coffee table anymore , half finished , staring me inPosted by The day started out innocently enough . I got up and left the house before I was truly awake , dropped the b . h . at work and proceeded to work myself . I finished my coffee just before I arrived and had my breakfast ( yogurt and granola ) when I got there . I still wasn 't awake . By eleven o ' clock we had only had about five or six customers . It was probably sixty degrees outside , but inside the store couldn 't have been over fifty . I could not get warm . I paced around and looked for things to do . I skipped through radio stations on the Sirius XM thingie , trying to find something upbeat and not Billy Joel . There was a lot of Billy Joel . My co - worker Clay was enjoying it . He is not shy about singing out loud , which I find unusual for a country boy his age , but it is still new enough that I find it amusing . I put up some wine . I rearranged some stuff on shelves . I went next door for coffee . It warmed me up a little . Still the day dragged on relentlessly . Natasha arrived at around twelve . I had been there for almost three hours , but it seemed like forever . She went to get lunch , which she was nice enough to split with me . Grilled fresh mozzarella and tomato with basil and pesto on pannini . Clay went to the hardware store , and when he came back he started replacing rood shingles . The smell of tar permeated the store . The few customers we had all remarked on it . " It smells like gas , " said one woman . " Yes , he is tarring roof , " said Natasha , in her heavily accented English . " It smells like gas . " Natasha looked at me and rolled her eyes . Later , we were outside . Natasha smoked while I stood and watched , trying to clear my head for a few minutes with fresh air . A man in a truck pulled up . He got out and went into the store , so I followed . " Sorry about that smell , " I said . " We 're repairing the roof . The smell of the tar is killing me . I guess we should leave that door open . " " You 're probably smelling gas . I have it all over me . " It did not occur to me to ask why he was covered in gas . " Actually , now that you mention it , I do smell gas . It ' Posted by I worked a full and insanely busy day at the Local Liquor Store , picked up the b . h . , brought him home , and rested for about an hour and a half before heading out to bartend . The night was fairly easy , the music more fun and much more tolerable than I expected ( sometimes cover songs are truly a blessing ) , and overall I had a good time . At the end of the night , I waited on my second favorite local bass player . He was wearing a spectacularly gaudy jean jacket , adorned on the back with two skulls in American Indian headdresses . They had rhinestones for eyes . The feathers were individually embroidered . It was fantastic . I was jealous . And of course , without a camera for the first time in almost forever . Anyway , he and his lady friend were very nice and chatted with the other bartender and me , and we all drank a howdy to ought nine and our incoming President . Though I missed the b . h . and my boys , I cannot remember feeling better for the start of a new year in a very long time . Today 's Customer Of The Day was an old lady who sat in her car in the parking lot and layed on the horn for a full minute until my co - worker Rob finally noticed . He looked out the window , rolled his eyes and sighed , and asked me to please go take the woman 's order . " I 'm sorry - WHAT ? " " I know , I know - Just go out and see what she wants . " I did . She opened her door just enough to let the words escape . " I want five little bottles of vodka . " " What kind of Vodka ? " " Boston ? " I went back in . I got a half pint and an airplane bottle of Mr . B0ston vodka and went back out to the car . Just to be clear , this woman had no handicapped sticker , was in no visible way impaired , and was smoking a fucking cigarette while she waited for me to bring her fucking liquor to her . She was , in short , not that old . Were she elderly , or handicapped , or even - gods forbid - polite , I would not have been so put out . She pointed at the smaller bottle and handed me twenty dollars . I went back in , Rob rang it up , and I returned to the parking lot and handed her the bag . She took it wPosted by It 's hard to explain just how huge the ships were that constantly passed our hotel room window , but imagine that we 're on the third floor and I 'm taking this shot straight out the window . The thing is still taller than us . Awesome . The funny thing about this sign is that I almost face planted because I was distracted by it as I was walking into the bathroom at Bonneventure . And I was so close to being able to use the word " ironic " correctly in a sentence . Ah well . This is one of those scenes that doesn 't look real to me . Had i not actually been there and taken the picture myself , I would have thought it was fake . That Spanish moss is the itchiest , most beautiful thing . . . The statuary is really beautiful there , too . I took an embarrassing number of photos , but i won 't subject you to all of them . Breakfast at Clary 's was definitely a highlight of our trip . The first shot is a description of the Elvis on the menu , the second shot is of the actual dish , before it was fallen upon by a pack of hungry tourists . Hilarious , but sadly necessary . The musket demo . I love that I actually captured the smoke in this shot . Lucky thing , too , because it was the last shot she fired , and had I missed I would have had to hang around for another hour and a half to try again . My next camera is going to be a digital SLR . These two are of the Sentient Bean , the progressive / lesbian / vegan coffee shop ( not really , but it was fun to say ) - one outside and one from inside . We really loved this place . These statues are outside of the Telfair Museum , and therefore were photographed lawfully . This was the one I took before I knew I wasn 't supposed to . This one I took anyway . I just had to . The painting is so huge as to be indescribable . I had to get the b . h . in there for perspective . You can see a better picture of the painting here if you care to . These last two are both taken out our hotel window . There 's something extra relaxing about looking out at water . I hope we get to go back . |
Working the Local Liquor Store around eleven this morning . Then a two hour break , then Rock Club . Should be fun , but I 'm really looking forward to having tomorrow off and getting some rest . Computer still fucked , so I can 't upload NYC pics . The thing isn 't even paid for yet and it 's already crashed . Not a good sign . Anyway , I 'm going to walk the boys before work . Hopefully I 'll have something fun to report later . * Later * Well , that was exciting . The LLS was particularly busy due to the impending Big Game . Gods I 'm glad I no longer work in a sports bar . If I had to work tomorrow I would surely shoot somebody . Anyway , at least most people were in a good mood . The b . h . has had a tour - related neck injury . No , not the infamous " rock neck " , but just as insidious : Couch Neck . Seems he slept somewhere too soft and woke up unable to turn his head much . Thankfully it was the last day and he didn 't have to play in that condition . We went to the chiropractor yesterday and he spent the evening on the couch icing and self - medicating whilst I slung drinks . The first two bands were underwhelming and gay , respectively . First I was exposed to the new 0F M0ntreal record , which was , to put it politely , not my cup of tea . Next was a decent enough band from Nashville , followed by a soul ( ? ) band made up of some Atlanta all - stars . The lead singer was wearing red pants of the new - fangled and short - waisted variety , which rode so low that they didn 't even come close to touching his red vest / sleeveless shirt combo . Later I referred to the hair in that part of his mid - section as a Trail of Tears . I had meant to say Happy Trail , but what came out was far more fitting . I don 't know who told that guy that those pants were a good idea , but they ought to be slapped . The Modern Skirts were fantastic , as usual . I don 't own and have not heard the new record , but the material they played from it was catchy and fun . It 's really cool to see them playing to such a large and responsive crowd , having been there years ago when they sucked out loud to six peopPosted by The restaurant was packed with a hipster brunch crowd of 25 to 35 - year old people who looked like they had also just gotten off a plane from Athens . K took my bags and shoved them in a back hallway , and I elbowed my way to the bar , where I was served a fantastic cup of coffee and a tiny dish of fried dough balls ( doughnut holes ) . I ordered eggs florentine and chatted a few minutes with the bartender , who I immediately liked . After virtually inhaling my food and three cups of coffee , I went out for a stroll to kill some time while K finished up work . Having no real idea where I was going , I just started off in a general direction . It was cold - colder than I expected , and dirty . Walking under a highway overpass it brought to mind a specific corner where I regularly sat at a red light in my old neighborhood in Chicago . There is a specific bus emission / old urine smell that makes me just a bit nostalgic for the late nineties every time , and I was momentarily soaking in it , and it was good . My phone rang in my pocket . I talked to the b . h . for a moment , remarking that very guy that passed my on the street looked like A . J . ( obviously way ahead of his time , fashion - wise , that one ) , and then begging off the phone because I had left my gloves in my bag and I had to keep my hands in my pocket for fear of them falling off . I walked about a mile all told , then headed quickly back to the restaurant for another cup of coffee . By the time K was finished I was nearly vibrating from all of the caffeine . I stopped at the health food store next to the restaurant to replace my Burt 's Bees lip balm ( Never leave home without it ! ) , which was marked at $ 4 . 49 , but I was only charged three dollars and change . Sweet ! We went back to K 's house , where i dropped my bag on the floor in the kitchen in front of the stove . It remained there until I left . We changed clothes and headed out . I thought we were just going for a walk around the neighborhood , so I stopped at a polish bakery and bought some kolackys . We wound up going to dinner in ChinatowPosted by It went off at seven in the morning , at which point the dogs rolled over and looked at me like I was crazy ( I was ) . I hit the snooze button ( twice ) , then dragged my ass downstairs to make coffee . It was still dark outside , which I found highly upsetting . It was also raining steadily , which the boys found upsetting , because they had to go out in it in order to pee . I went the lazy route and re - heated Friday 's coffee in a pint glass in the micro - wave . I was too tired to care how awful it was . I tried to put my suitcase in the car surreptitiously , after feeding the dogs and putting a bit of half and half on their food to distract them . It didn 't work . These are smart animals . First they thought " we " were going somewhere , and they got really happy . Then when they realized that only I was getting in the car , they got upset . I left as quickly as possible . Despite the rain my drive to the airport was fairly easy . I got there and went to the economy parking lot , where I drove up and down every row in the " A " section before landing a spot at the very back . As I was getting out of the car and retrieving my suitcase from the back seat , I was passed by a courtesy vehicle - I use that term loosely - which was completely devoid of passengers . I flailed my arm for a moment in hopes that it would stop . It didn 't . There were no other people in the whole parking lot . I walked to the terminal in the rain , dragging my bags and my coat and cursing the courtesy vehicle , which I found parked on the near side of the lot , the driver smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone . There was no line at check - in . I checked a bag ( $ 15 ) because I was bringing two bottles of wine and a tube of toothpaste that was 4 . 19 ounces for K . Security was fairly easy since I had left anything questionable ( like potentially deadly shampoo and conditioner ) in my checked bag . I was therefore quite surprised when I was pulled from line after walking , shoeless , through the metal detector . " Is this your bag ? " asked the young man behind the screening counter . " Yes . " Posted by I 'm back , mostly alive , no thanks to cigarettes ( $ 9 . 25 a pack in Manhattan ! ) or alcohol , or the insane voodoo woman who cursed K on the subway . Unfortunately I can 't seem to get my camera to cooperate with the computer so I have yet to upload the pictures . Basically I don 't have it in me to tell the full story right now , but I had a great time and I can hardly wait to go back . Couldn 't live there , though . Not at this point in my life . I am glad to be home . I went to Shayne and Todd 's for an Obama party . Ate a whole lot of Jenn 's fabulous Cowboy Caviar , as well as some lovely roasted potatoes , cheese and crackers ( don 't know what kind of cheese , but it was hard and white and very tasty - kind of Manchego - ish ) , a salad , some kind of dessert cup pastry thingie with a custardy filling that Kellie made ( I had about fifteen of them probably ) , and a Rogue Yellow Snow IPA . Very tasty . Somehow I still managed to drag myself downtown for the rock show . Dr . Ass was not in attendance due to a potentially serious illness , which was a bit of a bummer , but the Dictatortots soldiered on , playing mostly the hits in an acoustic fashion . They did a new song called Three Word Band Name that was hilarious . I hope they post the lyrics on their website . Later when The Dumps took the stage , Andy said they 'd like to thank Hope for a Golden Dictatortot for opening the show . This is a funny joke if you are an Athens local with some knowledge of the music scene , but if you aren 't then you 'd be asleep before I could explain it . I laughed out loud and nearly shot beer through my nose . Hayride was in full force . Loud and fun and wanky when appropriate . They did some great covers , too . Wish I had the energy to go back and see them tonight with Jackpot City . I stayed for a few Dumps songs , but I did have to be at work early this morning , so I didn 't see the whole show . I did get to talk to several people I haven 't seen in awhile ( again ) , so that was fun . Did I mention that I 'm really excited about the new president ? I did smoke about two thousand cigarettes last night in an effort not to drink too much , so I woke up this morning wishing I were dead . I went to work moaning and grumbling ( and late ) , and when I got there Clay had an egg and cheese biscuit waiting for me . I could have kissed him . It was soaked - and I mean soaked through with grease , and I scarfed it down and felt instantly better . The day was long and difficult . I lifted a lot of heavy crap . I talked to very few people . I rather enjoyed itPosted by There 's just something really comforting about having a President that is smarter than me . It 's been a long time . We watched the Inauguration at D & S 's house , and then the guys piled into the van and headed out on tour . Today they 'll drive ten hours and sleep at a hotel somewhere in Virginia , and tomorrow they 'll drive several more hours and then play a show . I won 't be seeing the b . h . again until Sunday night ( Booooooo ) in New York City ( yaaaaaay ) . Luckily I have lots to keep me busy . I am off today , so I will be attending a bash at Shayne and Todd 's and then going to the 40 Watt for the Dictatortots , Hayride , and The Dumps . I have to work early tomorrow , then I 'll come home and eat and walk the dogs and be off to a French Wine Seminar , which could only be better if I didn 't have to drive myself there . Thursday I 'm off during the day , so I will likely try to get lunch with my friend MT , then I work Thursday night and Friday morning . After that I 'm off to New York . I seriously can 't wait . At 4 : 50 , a guy came in and asked Adam for Lagunitas Maximus . This is a fantastic beer , and normally we do carry it . We have many varieties of Lagunitas beers , and more IPAs than you can shake a stick at , but this guy was only interested in Maximus . So Adam apologizes to him and says , " We do have it at the other store . " " I 'm not goin ' to the other store I live in Monroe ! " the man snapped , at an unnecessary volume . I waited approximately ten seconds before shouting from the other side of the store : " Ten minutes Adam ! " All of the employees laughed out loud . Apparently the man was calmer when he came up front to check out . Just returned from a dinner party at the home of some friends . We never get to do that anymore , and I was glad for the opportunity . We had a few red wines , as well as a lovely German beer that Sam recommended ( I can 't remember the name at the moment , but I am sure to buy more so I 'll report back ) . I can 't say much about it except that it 's nice to act like regular adults once in awhile . Eating at a proper table , without the company of a television but with the company of friends and friends of friends , is a luxury we don 't often afford ourselves . If I were a resolution type of girl , I 'd resolve to do this more often . Since I 'm not , I 'll just say I 'm working on it . I 've just given the boys some Bully St1cks ( G00gle it if you don 't know ) because more than anything I need a few minutes of quiet . Last night was awesome . So awesome , in fact , that I didn 't even start home until 5am . I worked my ass off for several hours . I had forgotten how much it hurts to open hundreds of beer cans , and wound up having to put electrical tape on my can - popping finger to reinforce my nail . The customers were mostly nice , except for the guy who was already pissing us off at 9 : 30 ( the doors opened at nine ) . We was a big , goofy , red - necky guy in a button down shirt , camouflage pants , and checkered vans . Strange . Loud . We all tried nicely to get him to back off and slow down a bit . He was in our faces , as well as the faces of any and all customers who happened up to the bar when he was near ( which was often , because he was a thirsty boy ) . I finally decided to cut him off because I didn 't want him running all the other people off and sending them to the other bar . So when he came up and ordered , five shots of Jagerm3ister , I smiled sweetly and shook my head . " What ? " " Nope . Can 't do it . Sorry . " " You want one ? " " No . " " Okay , make it six then . " " Not gonna happen . " " Seven ? " I shook my head . He leaned forward and looked at me blearily , clearly unable to do the math . " Why ? " " Look , you 're putting me in a difficult position here . If I give you these shots , you 're going to pound them all , pass out or get thrown out , and miss the show . And then you 're going to be really pissed off . " " We got tickets to tomorrow night . " " Not gonna happen . Seriously . " I didn 't see him for the rest of the night . I suspect he went over to the other bar and pissed them off and got thrown out . What a douche . The show was glorious , the money was great , and I got to catch up with the Centro - matic guys later . I wonder how often we will see them once we move . Anyway , good times were had by all , I was far too chatty for my own good , and I wound up leaving the club at five am , having smoked far too many cigarettes and knowing full well that i woulPosted by I still can 't get warm , and since the b . h . is on the road tonight I don 't suspect it will get any better . I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work to get some firewood , but they were out . Which means I will have to leave early for other work in order to stop at other grocery store . Keep your fingers crossed for me , kids , because I really don 't want to go traipsing around in the woods behind the house looking for wood when I get home at 4am . In other news , South San Gabriel was amazing . Also , I got to talk to several people who I rarely get to see , so that was fun . Crap . I guess I 'd better go get ready for work . That 's what our local weather says on The W3ather Ch @ nnel dot com . Fucking cold is what it is . Were it not for the musical stylings of South San Gabriel , I wouldn 't even consider leaving the house . Today was long and sucky . I knew it was going to be , so when i woke up this morning I stayed in bed for a long time thinking " but Mom , I don 't wanna go to school today ! to no avail . There was a huge delivery coming in first thing . More than two hundred cases of wine , and just two of us to deal with it . The first and largest delivery was already there when I arrived . I jumped right in and helped Lynn for several minutes before she was pulled away for something completely stupid that should not have come up today . I kept moving along , she returned , and we finished up that lot with little trouble . Next we had to move an entire display because it was crooked . We had to take all of the bottles off the top ( at least a hundred , but probably more ) , pull apart the whole display , shuffle some of the boxes to one side a few inches , re - build the display , and then put the bottles back on top . All the while I was thinking that I must have made a serious error somewhere , but I couldn 't put my finger on exactly where . I do have a degree and everything , so why all this heavy lifting ? Oh yeah - useless degree . Right , then . I 'll just keep doing what I 'm told . I convinced Lynn that we didn 't need to actually move both of the remaining displays , but that we could manage by simply rearranging them . This kept me from having to move an additional hundred cases . Instead we moved maybe thirty . In the process of this move , a 1 . 5 litre bottle became dislodged from the display and fell directly onto my knee , striking whatever the knee equivalent of my funny bone is . That rendered me incapacitated for several minutes , so I hobbled back behind the cash register and put on an ice pack and rang people out while Lynn finished up . By the time the next delivery hit , we were well prepared and it went into the freshly moved display without any hassle . Once wPosted by The weather has turned cold again , and now suddenly I 've remembered that I need to order firewood . Every year it gets to this time and I fool myself that because it is sixty degrees on my birthday we are out of the woods - Spring is in the air and all that . Not so . Never the case . And now it 's fucking cold , and I haven 't put up the heavy curtains or put the plastic insulation on the windows . And now I have an hour to kill before work and I 'm freezing . Having a day off without some kind of plan is dangerous . I 've been reading this 331 / 3 book about Murmur , which is great , but I 'm afraid if I lie down to read I will fall asleep again . The house is quite chilly . Later : Okay , now I 've cleaned the kitchen and the office , vacuumed , gone to the store for vacuum bags , done some laundry , and taken out two large bags of trash . i also donated two boxes of random shite to Goodw1ll . So I 'm rewarding myself with a Terrapin Dos Cocoas . It 's their new side project and I have yet to taste it . I 'll be sure and tell you how it goes . So I worked on the wine inventory for thirteen hours yesterday , which is why I didn 't check in . The bad news is that we didn 't finish it . The good news is that I was well fed . I picked up egg and cheese bagels from Dunk1n D0nuts on the way in , since the Bread Basket doesn 't do Sunday breakfast . Sam bought us brunch from F1ve and T3n . I split a 5 and Tenedict and French toast with one of my co - workers . It was really good , and I had a difficult time getting back to the task at hand . Day turned to night and punchy turned to stabby , and eventually I hit a wall and decided to go home . I missed a dinner party that the b . h . and I were going to attend . That sucked . Dinner was fried cheese sticks and beer . So inventory still isn 't done and my cholesterol is probably through the roof . Great . The rest is too boring to discuss , but suffice to say that as much as I might like some of my co - workers , being in close quarters with anyone ( aside from the b . h . ) for hours on end is not pleasant . Whew . The dogs and I started out on our usual walk , up the driveway past the pond and to the left . But today , instead of doing a quick round in the grass and then heading back to the right and up the street , the boys decided to keep going leftward and I decided to let them . We ended up going round the corner and then left into the woods back of the house . Kilgore marched boldly on , while Wyatt lagged . This meant both of them at the full length of their retractable leashes and me stretched between , urging Wyatt to hurry and politely asking KG to slow up , and often backtracking to untangle one of them when they 'd gone the wrong way around a tree or through some brambles . The result was that we went a very short distance and had quite an adventure . There were some small and very deep holes in the ground that I wondered about from a distance . They were maybe ten inches in diameter , and from a few feet away I couldn 't see the bottom . After wondering briefly what might have made them , I realized that this was perhaps not a question I wanted answered and moved on quickly . There was a lot of random crap abandoned out there , too . Hot water heaters ( multiple , which is bizarre ) , oil drums , and a huge pile of beer bottles and cans . . . it 's pretty fucked up out there , really . In any case , the boys had a good time and I didn 't have to walk all that far . After our walk I went off to work , which seemed longer than it should have , and now I 'm home and tired and I have to be up early to do inventory tomorrow . Pleh . I worked a regular nine to five today , then picked up the b . h . , came home to let dogs out , went to dinner with the b . h . Randomly ran into friends at the restaurant who happened to be sitting next to the only two open seats at the bar . I wasn 't even surprised , really , because that 's just how Athens is . We hadn 't seen them in ages and there was a lot of talk about trying to get together , and plans never made , and then suddenly there we all were . I don 't even remember the name of it , but we ate at the new Mexican place across from The Gr1t . I loved their salsas , and the lemon cream sauce on my enchilada was fantastic . I also really dug the jalapeno coleslaw . Consequently , I ate far too much . As we walked the block or so back to the car , i wondered how on earth I was going to drink beer with Shayne , which was my plan for the evening . But by the time I dropped b . h . off at practice and got over to Littl3 K1ngs , I felt just fine . Her other friend was just leaving , so while they said their good - byes I ordered up and Oaked Arrogant Bastard . It was just dandy . Not terribly different from the regular bastard , but enough to make it interesting . Shayne was hilarious , as usual . Just what the doctor ordered . A couple beers , a lot of shit talk , catching up on the usual b . s . Possibly going to a yard sale in the morning , if I can handle staying awake after dropping the b . h . off at work . I kind of doubt it . I do have to be up early , so I am signing off , but not without my Quote for the Day , courtesy of the b . h . : " She 's not like a hot lesbian . She 's more like the lesbian equivalent of a bear . " Awesome . I ran an errand to help out a friend of mine today . For this I was paid one hundred and fifty dollars , which is most of the cost of the plane ticket I will be buying for New York . I am finally going to visit K . Two weeks from tomorrow , in fact , and I am pretty blasted excited about it . I can 't stay long , and I haven 't even begun to think of what I might like to do - aside form the obvious eating like a pig and drinking some good beer , that is . I 've been to Central Park and the Empire State Building , but never to the Statue of Liberty . I 'm not above touristy stuff , but I can 't imagine standing in line at the statue in January being a pleasant experience , so maybe I 'll try to knock a museum off the list instead . I saw something in a book today about a Museum of Moving Pictures in Brooklyn , so that 's convenient . I will certainly be visiting the Brooklyn Brewery . That alone may cause my baggage to double on the way home . Mostly I just can 't wait to see K again and talk shit and drink and smoke too much . I 'll have to remember to get the name of Shayne 's favorite shitty dive bar , and I 'm hoping to hook up with an old friend who I haven 't seen in at least fifteen years . It 's all very exciting . The b . h . will be on tour , so although I will be seeing him on this trip ( at both The Mercury Lounge and whatever place they 're playing in Brooklyn ) , I am actually going to be flying solo . Should be interesting . I haven 't done it in seven years . Work was pretty hilarious tonight . We were all pretty busy with pre - inventory nonsense and feeling a bit punchy . At one point a guy I know came in and I was helping him pick out a beer . I asked if he had tried Arrogant Bastard . He had . Double Bastard ? No . Me neither . We settled on a Lagunitas Hop Stoopid , because he is as big a hops fan as I am . I walked with him up to the counter and we chatted while Allen rang him out . " Did you say you 've had the Double Bastard ? " Alan asked me . " No , have you ? " " Yeah . Wow . " " Is it good ? " " It needs like another year in the bottle . " " What do you mean ? What does itPosted by Today I got a birthday cake from a friend . It was devil 's food , three layers , with Kahlua frosting and chocolate chips . Fucking fantastic . So that was breakfast . I was smart enough to pass it around or I would surely have eaten the whole thing by lunch . It was a long and boring day . I don 't even have a good idiot story . It was windy as fuck , and a bunch of empty boxes blew all over the parking lot and I had to chase them down , but that was seriously as exciting as it got . Now I 'm at home on the couch trying to decide which beer I 'll have . I really want a Bell 's , but it 's not cold yet . Hmmmm . . . The b . h . was kind enough to leave a loaf of bread on top of the fridge last night , so our resident rodent didn 't have to wake us in order to get a meal . I 'll try to remember to post a picture of the bread tunnel at some point . It 's comforting , at least , in it 's smallness . Oh , now I hear geese . Between them and the daffodils that are sprouting up in front of the house , I can 't figure out how it is possibly January right now . I slept way in today . The b . h . brought me coffee , juice , and homemade strawberry scones in bed , along with a copy of Tropic Thunder ( which only reaffirmed my love for Robert Downey , Jr . and which I will likely watch as soon as I am finished with this post ) , and the new book The Clash , which is hot pink and coffee table sized . It was put together by the surviving members of the band , so there are all sorts of neat pictures and copies of old show fliers and the like . I love it . Now , if only somebody * cough * could keep the blasted coffee table cleared off , maybe it would have a place . . . So needless to say I stayed in bed forever , and then when I got up I puttered around a bit and then went out for coffee with Jamie , who I haven 't seen in what seems like forever . She gave me a really beautiful , soft , knitted ( by her ) washcloth and some hand made soap . We sat around and caught up and petted her dog Silver , and while she was inside getting her coffee I was treated to what I believe was an attempted conversion by an obviously misguided Christian man , who was speaking to what I gather from the conversation to be a gay man who wants to be " reformed . " The whole thing was quite odd , the conversation quite frank and very audible , even from across the patio at the coffee shop , and I kept looking around for the hidden camera that never appeared . It was about 62 degrees outside today , and it was all I could do not to call up a bunch of people and go get a drink somewhere and sit outside . Since I do have to be up in the morning I thought the better of it and instead came home . I 'm still firmly planted on the couch , contemplating a round of Playing Gods , which is my favorite new board game . Anyway , many thanks for the birthday wishes , everybody . XO . I was supposed to go to work at noon today , but I got a panicked call at ten thirty from my co - worker Lynn , who had just gotten a panicked call from our sales rep saying that the 225 cases of wine that were supposed to come on Thursday were actually arriving today at eleven . I gulped down the rest of my coffee and hurried off , arriving just after Lynn and obviously some time after the delivery driver , who was already stacking wine everywhere and every which way . The thing is , given enough lead time we usually tear down an old display , draw up a plan for the setup of the new one , and are usually able to just pop everything into place as it arrives . It is a lot of lifting and hard work , but pretty much par for the course and no big deal . Not so today . Lynn had the day off and was at home , sick in bed , when she got the call . Lucky for me all I had done was forgotten to put on deodorant . ( More lucky was the fact that I had it in my car ) . Anyway , after a tow and a half hour clusterfuck , we managed to get everything in place . Our boss made a phone call to the sales rep , who also happens to be a friend of the L . L . S . family , and gave him some shit , after which the slaes rep brought us a pizza from DePalm @ s . White sauce , broccoli , spinach , and red onions . Fucking fantastic . Tonight there was a cask of Highland Black M0cha Stout at Aroma 's , which I managed to talk the b . h . into attending despite the fact that he doesn 't drink . We had a cheese plate and I had a couple beers ( I skipped the cask beer after tasting it out of somebody else 's glass - good enough , but not exactly my cup of tea ) . It was actually very low - key and pleasant . We came home early and played a game of Playing Gids , a new board game that my sister and her husband bought me for my birthday . We 're still learning , but it is a lot of fun and a great way to mark the passing of another year . Now I 'm exhausted and really happy that I don 't have to work tomorrow . Yay loafing ! Happy Birthday to me . I had every intention of going to the Beef Silence show last night at the Caledonia . Not that I have any idea what Beef Silence sounds like , but anything Nick Bielli is involved in is generally entertaining , so I was all about it . Even the b . h . seemed inclined to socialize . Things were looking up as we drove home from work . I was famished when I got home , so I re - heated a bowl of veggie chili , poured on a generous helping of this sour cream jalapeno sauce that the b . h . had made for our dinner the previous night , and shoveled it all into my gullet as quickly as possible . After the initial stabbiness had subsided , I was sitting on the couch reading when the b . h . asked me if I wanted a black - eyed pea cake . That was what he had made the night before , along with the aforementioned cream sauce , caramelized onions , corn bread , green beans with orange rind and candies pecans , and greens with kalamata olives and garlic . I said yes to all of the above , and was soon finished with dinner , part two . At that point I decided to go upstairs and lie down a bit , and at that point , my night was pretty well over . I napped for two hours , and when came downstairs again I crawled onto the couch under a blanket . Still convinced that I would make it to the rock show , I turned on the coffee maker to re - heat the morning 's leftovers . After I drank it , I opened the front door and realized that the fog was so thick i could barely make out the car in the driveway . Oh well , so much for that . I had a few minutes hemming and hawing after , but it was only halfhearted . We watched an episode of Torchwood ( thanks for that recommendation , Jamie , I believe I 'm hooked ) and went to bed . I of course couldn 't sleep due to the nap and coffee , but I did have a Josephine Tey book to keep me distracted . When I was finally drifting off , I heard a crash downstairs . Fucking rodents again . Dammit . Today I finished reading Julie and Julia , about which I am still unsure how I feel . But at least it 's not lying on the coffee table anymore , half finished , staring me inPosted by The day started out innocently enough . I got up and left the house before I was truly awake , dropped the b . h . at work and proceeded to work myself . I finished my coffee just before I arrived and had my breakfast ( yogurt and granola ) when I got there . I still wasn 't awake . By eleven o ' clock we had only had about five or six customers . It was probably sixty degrees outside , but inside the store couldn 't have been over fifty . I could not get warm . I paced around and looked for things to do . I skipped through radio stations on the Sirius XM thingie , trying to find something upbeat and not Billy Joel . There was a lot of Billy Joel . My co - worker Clay was enjoying it . He is not shy about singing out loud , which I find unusual for a country boy his age , but it is still new enough that I find it amusing . I put up some wine . I rearranged some stuff on shelves . I went next door for coffee . It warmed me up a little . Still the day dragged on relentlessly . Natasha arrived at around twelve . I had been there for almost three hours , but it seemed like forever . She went to get lunch , which she was nice enough to split with me . Grilled fresh mozzarella and tomato with basil and pesto on pannini . Clay went to the hardware store , and when he came back he started replacing rood shingles . The smell of tar permeated the store . The few customers we had all remarked on it . " It smells like gas , " said one woman . " Yes , he is tarring roof , " said Natasha , in her heavily accented English . " It smells like gas . " Natasha looked at me and rolled her eyes . Later , we were outside . Natasha smoked while I stood and watched , trying to clear my head for a few minutes with fresh air . A man in a truck pulled up . He got out and went into the store , so I followed . " Sorry about that smell , " I said . " We 're repairing the roof . The smell of the tar is killing me . I guess we should leave that door open . " " You 're probably smelling gas . I have it all over me . " It did not occur to me to ask why he was covered in gas . " Actually , now that you mention it , I do smell gas . It ' Posted by I worked a full and insanely busy day at the Local Liquor Store , picked up the b . h . , brought him home , and rested for about an hour and a half before heading out to bartend . The night was fairly easy , the music more fun and much more tolerable than I expected ( sometimes cover songs are truly a blessing ) , and overall I had a good time . At the end of the night , I waited on my second favorite local bass player . He was wearing a spectacularly gaudy jean jacket , adorned on the back with two skulls in American Indian headdresses . They had rhinestones for eyes . The feathers were individually embroidered . It was fantastic . I was jealous . And of course , without a camera for the first time in almost forever . Anyway , he and his lady friend were very nice and chatted with the other bartender and me , and we all drank a howdy to ought nine and our incoming President . Though I missed the b . h . and my boys , I cannot remember feeling better for the start of a new year in a very long time . Today 's Customer Of The Day was an old lady who sat in her car in the parking lot and layed on the horn for a full minute until my co - worker Rob finally noticed . He looked out the window , rolled his eyes and sighed , and asked me to please go take the woman 's order . " I 'm sorry - WHAT ? " " I know , I know - Just go out and see what she wants . " I did . She opened her door just enough to let the words escape . " I want five little bottles of vodka . " " What kind of Vodka ? " " Boston ? " I went back in . I got a half pint and an airplane bottle of Mr . B0ston vodka and went back out to the car . Just to be clear , this woman had no handicapped sticker , was in no visible way impaired , and was smoking a fucking cigarette while she waited for me to bring her fucking liquor to her . She was , in short , not that old . Were she elderly , or handicapped , or even - gods forbid - polite , I would not have been so put out . She pointed at the smaller bottle and handed me twenty dollars . I went back in , Rob rang it up , and I returned to the parking lot and handed her the bag . She took it wPosted by It 's hard to explain just how huge the ships were that constantly passed our hotel room window , but imagine that we 're on the third floor and I 'm taking this shot straight out the window . The thing is still taller than us . Awesome . The funny thing about this sign is that I almost face planted because I was distracted by it as I was walking into the bathroom at Bonneventure . And I was so close to being able to use the word " ironic " correctly in a sentence . Ah well . This is one of those scenes that doesn 't look real to me . Had i not actually been there and taken the picture myself , I would have thought it was fake . That Spanish moss is the itchiest , most beautiful thing . . . The statuary is really beautiful there , too . I took an embarrassing number of photos , but i won 't subject you to all of them . Breakfast at Clary 's was definitely a highlight of our trip . The first shot is a description of the Elvis on the menu , the second shot is of the actual dish , before it was fallen upon by a pack of hungry tourists . Hilarious , but sadly necessary . The musket demo . I love that I actually captured the smoke in this shot . Lucky thing , too , because it was the last shot she fired , and had I missed I would have had to hang around for another hour and a half to try again . My next camera is going to be a digital SLR . These two are of the Sentient Bean , the progressive / lesbian / vegan coffee shop ( not really , but it was fun to say ) - one outside and one from inside . We really loved this place . These statues are outside of the Telfair Museum , and therefore were photographed lawfully . This was the one I took before I knew I wasn 't supposed to . This one I took anyway . I just had to . The painting is so huge as to be indescribable . I had to get the b . h . in there for perspective . You can see a better picture of the painting here if you care to . These last two are both taken out our hotel window . There 's something extra relaxing about looking out at water . I hope we get to go back . |
The one - year - old 's favorite book at the moment is Sandra Boynton 's Blue Hat , Green Hat . The book features a turkey who can 't seem to put his clothes on correctly . Each two - page spread has several animals with different colored articles of clothing ( blue hat , green hat , yellow hat . . . ) . The last animal is always the turkey , and he always has the clothes on the wrong body part - - pants over his head , coat on backwards , socks on his hands , etc . This weekend the one - year - old starting putting socks on his hands , shouting " Oh NO " , and giggling . Just the same way he acts when we read the book . I got my hair cut last week . I hadn 't gotten it cut for quite a while , so it was a fairly dramatic change . Apparently it was a dramatic enough change that the eight - year - old noticed . All this weekend , the eight - year - old kept walking up to me , usually from behind , and rubbing my head . It reminded me of the first time we had our golden retriever shaved . For a week or so afterward , he kept poking the dog 's coat . It was as if he needed tactile proof of what his eyes were reporting . I have the boys with me this weekend . When I picked them up from their mom 's , she mentioned that the eight - year - old had been having some trouble at school this week . She 'd taken him to the Dr . because she thought it might be from sinus problems . He has a history of tantrums and head - butting that often goes away when we give him anti - histamines , and he had run out . Shortly after we leave her house , the eight - year - old goes berserk in the back seat , hitting and head - butting the one - year - old who is strapped into his car seat next to him . I pulled over , jumped out , and yanked the eight - year - old out of the car . He was extremely agitated , hitting me , and trying to head - butt the parked cars . I called my ex and said that I needed help . The eight - year - old had gone nuts and I was afraid to put him back into the car next to the one - year - old . She came and got him . I drove the other two , and she drove the eight - year - old . Then we traded cars for the weekend . So I 'll have the mini - van , and can put the one - year - old and the eight - year - old in different rows where the eight - year - old can 't reach the younger one . I remember being worried about the risk of this , but this is the first time since we separated that it 's actually been an issue . I hope it doesn 't last . The eight - year - old isn 't big enough to ride in the front seat legally , and I can afford to buy a new vehicle with three rows of seating to keep them apart . I had the one - year - old this evening . He likes to play with shoes , taking his off and putting on other people 's . On multiple occasions he has put my shoes on , or the twelve - year - old 's . Tonight , in a new twist , he wanted me to tie the shoes after he had put them on to his feet . Then he walked around with a big grin on his face , struggling to avoid tripping over the shoes . My shoes are huge on him - - like clown shoes at the circus . I got two surprise requests from my oldest son last night . When I picked him up from his mom 's house that he wouldn 't be able to go to Boy Scouts tonight because " I have to finish my homework . " Now , I 'm not going to argue with him when he wants to do his homework . In the past years , we pretty much concluded that getting him to do homework was a battle that cost us more than it was worth . But I hate to see him missing Boy Scouts , and I certainly don 't want to see skipping Scouts for homework become a regular thing . Scouts is one of the few activities that we 've found that really gets him excited and engaged . And now I 've gone off and signed up for Wood Badge , in which I make my own long term commitments to Scouting . Hopefully we can get him to do his homework early on Mondays . The other surprise came when I asked him what he wanted to do for his mother 's birthday ( which is Wednesday ) . He said maybe we ( he and his brothers ) could give mom a break by coming over to your house for an evening . I 'm sure that his mom would really appreciate that . I hadn 't expected him to suggest something that was going to impose a personal cost on me though . But I don 't want to turn down such a genuine and well - meant idea . So I 'm going to be going along with the idea . I hope she appreciates it . I took all three boys last night , as a favor to my ex . Normally I only have one on Wednesday nights ( I alternate between the two younger boys ) . It amazes me how quickly they can mess things up . The oldest one threw up in the bathroom ( I think he coughed too hard , he has a really light gag reflex ) , used paper towels to wipe it up , and then tried to flush the paper towels down the toilet which clog it up . Meanwhile , the youngest one was in the living room where he managed to rip loose a strip of carpeting that was tacked to the step - - my living room is one step down from the rest of the house . Surprisingly , the eight - year - old didn 't make any major messes during the evening . I had the eight - year - old set the table again , and just like last time the one - year - old was insistent that he be allowed to set the table also . I let him take his own plastic plate , fork , and class to the table . It continues to surprise me how much he wants to " help " . Not used to that from children . I 've been working on teaching the eight - year - old to set the table for meals . He seems to grasp the concept , but it still takes a lot of prompting to get plates , silverware , and napkins into the right place ( I 'm not having him do water glasses yet ) . Tonight I had him set the table for dinner again . The one - year - old saw what we were doing , and he wanted to help too . He REALLY wanted to help . So I gave him his plastic plate , fork , and a napkin to take over to his high chair and put on the tray . I 'm continually amazed at how the one - year - old imitates and wants to be a part of whatever his older brothers and I are doing . I remember hearing that kids were supposed to be like this , but my two older one weren 't . Especially the eight - year - old . At this age he rarely even seemed aware that other people were doing things at all . The eleven - year - old turned twelve yesterday . We had a family birthday party for him at Round Table Pizza , like we 've done for years . We made repeated requests / suggestions for a birthday event with friends , but he didn 't seem to want one . I 'm kind of sad about that . I hope it is his autism showing up and he really didn 't want one , and not a case of him being too uncomfortable to tell us what he wanted to do and figure out who to invite . I can imagine him choosing not to have a party because he was too anxious about deciding who to invite , or afraid no one would come . Hopefully I 'm projecting that . At the pizza place , the one - year - old and the eight - year - old were both constantly running away from the table . They both liked to go to the video game alcove and sit at the racing game , playing with the steering wheel . The one - year - old has recently started requesting the " race car " shopping carts when we go to the grocery store . Then the eight - year - old started going out the side door to grab leaves of the plants growing outside . He went to the bathroom a couple of times . One time he came out with his pants and underwear down around his ankles . I yelled for him to pull up has pants and started over to him . By the time I caught up with him he was out on the sidewalk . He had pulled up his underwear , but his pants were still around his knees . While I was out chasing the him , the one - year - old ( who is actually 22 months old now , so almost two ) managed to get the side door open without anyone noticing . When we realized that no one knew where he was , he was climbing down the stairs , heading toward the sidewalk on a very busy street . After we got everyone inside , I said " now I remember why I stopped trying to take them places by myself . " My ex - wife 's mother ( is there a correct term for my relationship to her now ? Ex - mother - in - law ? ) said that when she and my ex took the younger two to Cannon Beach , Oregon ( while the twelve - year - old was off at Boy Scout camp ) they had a lot of trouble with the boys running off in different directions . Posted by Last week my ex and I decided that the guinea pig should come to live in my house . The one year old is fascinated with the guinea pig and wants to carry it all over the house . He dropped the pig and not one of her teeth out . My ex was afraid greater injury might have occurred as well . If Mini ( the guinea pig 's name is Mini Cooper ) is at my house , a one - year - old will have far fewer opportunities to pick her up and cause damage . Tonight was the first night that the one - year - old came over since Mini moved to my house . He was very excited to play with her . I let them take her out of the cage . He would sit and pet her . Then every minute or so he wanted to pick her up and move her somewhere else . I got some very cute pictures of him sitting next to the pig , or with the pig in his lap . Every time he picked it up he would start to walk off and I would tell him if you 're going to hold that pig , you have to sit down . Finally I just gave up , sat down on the floor , and held the pig on my lap . The one year old would point to places where he thought she should go , but he didn 't try to move her himself . it will be interesting to see how he does with her all this weekend . I had the eight - year - old this evening . We went out for a walk in the neighborhood . There is a small gully with a stream running through it separating the neighborhood I live in from the adjacent neighborhood . There is a wooden bridge across it . We almost always cross that bridge . Today , since it was just the two of us , I decided to take the eight - year - old down the path into the gully . We walked along the stream . We crossed over it and back several times . I was amazed at how sure - footed the eight - year - old was . He 's like a little mountain goat . I think he 'd love going on hikes in the woods . I 'll have to be watching for any trips he could go along on with the eleven - year - old 's Boy Scout troop . The one - year - old sees barbecue sauce as a universal condiment . Last night at dinner not only did he dip his chicken strips and french fries in barbecue sauce , he also put sauce on his apple and watermelon slices . The eight - year - old seems to have narrowed his dietary horizons again . This weekend he has refused things he used to eat . Most of his calories have been from chicken strips / nuggets and toast . There is a very fat cat in the neighborhood . We 've seen him several times while out on walks . The one - year - old loves cats ( and dogs , and basketball hoops ) . This particular cat will stretch out on the sidewalk and roll over , showing his tummy . The one - year - old sits down on the sidewalk and pets the cat . It 's very cute . I bought a new book that the one - year - old loves . Blue Hat , Green Hat , by Sandra Boynton . It features an elephant , a dog , a moose , and a turkey . Each 2 - page spread shows them with various articles of clothing , and the turkey always has his on wrong ( upside down , socks on hands , shoes on head , etc . ) . I must have read it twenty times this weekend . This afternoon I got the eight - year - old to play with the mega - blocks with me for a while . We built a tower and then took it apart . I showed him how we could stack blocks on the big truck , and he built another tower . He seemed really engaged and happy . I remembered a couple of other things we used to play with together . I 'm going to buy a Connect - 4 game before his next weekend here . I need to get some sort of swingset / playset for the back yard . When the eight - year - old doesn 't have something outside to climb on , he starts climbing the furniture . This weekend I have found him on top of the fridge , jumping up and down on the toilet ( he broke the wax seal that way a few weeks ago ) , and trying to climb the glass doors of the shower stall . I should have done it while my parents were here so I would have had more hands for putting it together . The one - year - old and the eight - year - old seem to have some sibling rivalry going . I 've seen the one - year - old hit the older one several tPosted by Saturday the eleven - year - old returned home from a week at Boy Scout camp . I went to pick him up and had both my parents , the eight - year - old , and the one - year - old with me . As soon as the one - year - old saw him get out of the car , he ran over and demanded to be picked up . The eleven - year - old held him for almost fifteen minutes , until the second truck showed up that had his backpack . The eight - year - old wouldn 't get out of the car at the parking lot , but when we got back to my house climbed all over his older brother . It was obvious that both the younger ones were very happy to see their brother again . On Friday my parents and I took the one - year - old and the eight - year - old to Seattle Center for the afternoon . We spent quite a while hanging out by the International Fountain . The eight - year - old was fascinated by the streams of water ( the fountain has lots of spigots and nozzles and they are synchronized to the music that is played ) . The one - year - old loved the music . He is a very enthusiastic dancer . He seemed especially fond of Nirvana 's Entertain Us . He would bob his entire body up and down . It 's quite a sight to watch your toddler do head - banging dance moves to Kurt Cobain . The one - year - old ( now twenty - one months ) loves books . He regularly brings books to me and wants me to sit and read them over and over . Last Sunday , I was getting tired of reading the same books over and over , so I took the one - year - old and the eight - year - old ( the oldest was off at Boy Scout camp ) to Half Price books . I was hoping to find some Sandra Boynton board books . Her books are fun to read , and almost all the Boynton books we had are at my ex - wife 's house . We didn 't find any Boynton . I did find a board - book of Polar - Bear , Polar Bear , which we had and the one - year - old always loved . I showed it to him , and he plopped down on the floor and started paging through it . I kept looking and also found a copy of Good Night Moon . We went over to the music section so I could look at CDs . The eight - year - old stood next to me while I looked . The one - year - old sat down on the floor and started " reading " his new books . I saw multiple people grinning at him as he sat there . I wish I 'd thought to take a picture . The eleven - year - old is off at Boy Scout camp this week . He was excited about going , and didn 't seem at all reluctant or concerned about going off for a week without me . For the past 4 summers he 's gone to Cub Scout camp , but I was always along . The only thing he showed any anxiety about was tying his boots . The hiking boots are the first shoes he 's ever had that had to be laced up . He 's always worn velcro or slip - on shoes . He hasn 't mastered tying them in a bow - knot . He ends up with a granny knot or a square not that he has trouble untying . I was talking with some of the other parents of the first - year scouts after the convoy left on Sunday morning . One of them said their son had been crying the previous night about going off by himself . One of the parents with an older scout said we 'd be impressed at the change in our sons when they got back after their first year at camp - - they would be noticeably more mature and responsible . One of the other first - year dads said he be thrilled with just a less - immature and irresponsible son . I said I 'd be happy if my son could tie his own boots properly . This weekend the eleven - year - old and I went on a fishing trip with his grandpa ( my ex - wife 's stepfather ) and grandpa 's sons and other grandsons . The eleven - year - old was able to spend the weekend horsing around and joking with his older cousins ( three boys aged 15 , 14 , and 13 ) . He didn 't seem strained or awkward , and I didn 't get the sense that the older boys were just putting up with him and would have preferred not to have him around . It was really nice to see . Five years ago , I wouldn 't have expected him to reach that point . I remember taking him on a Cub Scout camping trip when he was six . He was basically glued to my side . During free times the other boys were running around , but he sat next to me in the dining hall tracing pictures from some favorite books that he had brought along . He 's come a very long way in the last six years . It 's wonderful to behold . I had all three boys at my house the weekend of the 24th . At one point , I was working on getting the eight - year - old to build a tower of megablocks ( think very large legos ) . If I handed the blocks to him one at a time , he would stack them up . The one - year - old was watching and wanted to participate . It sill surprises me when he does that . I heard that kids were supposed to do that , but I never saw it with the older two . I gave him some blocks to hand to his older brother . We finished building , and I went off to do something in the kitchen . A few minutes later , I noticed the one - year - old toddling from the eight - year - old 's room into my room with a megablock in each hand . I followed him . I found the eight - year - old sitting in the rocking chair in my room with a tower of blocks in his lap . The one - year - old handed him the new two new blocks , which he added to the tower . I stood and watched while the one - year - old carried in all the blocks and his older brother stacked them . I think this is the first time I 've seen the eight - year - old engaged in any sort of cooperative play with toys with another child . He wrestles with the eleven - year - old , and he will sometimes play with toys when directed to them by an adult . At one point during his ABA therapy we devoted many weeks of therapy to trying to teach him how to play with a toy car , blocks , and a doll . At school this year they were working having him play at the same table as another child - - not interacting , just tolerating the other kid 's presence . I can 't remember seeing him play with toys with another child . Until now . I had the boys this Sunday . I had bought a set of Dr . Seuss books for the one year old . I was reading " A Wocket in My Pocket " to him , and when we came to the page about " the zamp in the lamp " he ran over to the lamp and pointed up under the shade . It was adorable . A couple of pages later came " the woset in the closet " . I suggested that he go look in our closets to see if there any wosets , and that his oldest brother might help him look . The two of them trotted out of the room to go check the hallway closets . It was very sweet . Last night the one - year - old spoke his first complete sentence ! We 've been a little concerned about his speech . Because both of his older brothers have autism , he is part of a long - term tracking study of children with multiple siblings with autism . At his most recent evaluation , they said that his receptive language was extremely good ( 85th percentile ) , but his expressive language was quite poor ( 10th percentile ) . They recommended speech therapy . He 's been doing speech therapy for a month or two now . He works with the same speech therapist that worked with the eight - year - old . One of the things the speech therapist recommended was prompting him to repeat words and sounds frequently . I 've been making him tell me that he wants to get down from his high - chair after meals . Normally , he makes the sign for " all done . " He 's been using this sign for at least six months now ( he is twenty months old ) . Last night after dinner , he handed me his plate . He tried to stand up , but the tray of the high - chair was too snug for him to stand . I said to him " what do you say ? " I was expecting him to sign . To my surprise , he looked at me and said " I 'm all done . " I was so excited that after I got him out of his chair , I called my ex - wife to tell her about it . So now his speech is something that I 'm not as worried about . I had all three boys this weekend . It was the first time that the 18 - month - old stayed over Saturday night . His mom kept him Friday night . Friday evening the eight - year - old was getting restless . So I took him out and dropped some mail off at the post office . Then we went over to the pet store to look around a little bit . He was totally in love with the aquatic plants . He paid some attention to the fish that was way more interested in the tanks that only had plants . I was kind of perplexed by that at first . Finally , I decided that it was because of the flowing water between the tanks . I think that was what was so interesting to him . The eight - year - old has had lots of problems with constipation lately . He seems to be over that now . He pooped his pants so many times that we had to go out and buy more underwear Saturday evening . Sunday morning the eight - year - old woke up at 4 AM . He never went back to sleep . His noise woke the 18 - month - old up about 6 AM . The day started a great deal earlier than I would 've preferred . The 18 - month - old was crabby a lot of the day . The most distressing thing that happened all weekend was the eight - year - old climbing over the back fence . He 's been dragging a chair around the yard for about a week so that he can reach branches to pull leaves off ( pulling leaves off plants is his favorite activity right now ) . I 've been worried that he would realize he could get out this way and now he has . I 'm going to have to be much more vigilant when he is outside . I 've been looking at various GPS locator systems . I may have to invest in one now . It 's fun to watch the 18 - month - old expand his vocabulary . This weekend I heard him say " oh no " for the first time . He also said " uh - oh " and " uh - huh " . I see him infrequently enough that those things stand out . I haven 't posted on my blog for a long time . One of the reasons is that I 'm in the middle of getting divorced . When the ex - to - be said she wanted to separate it caught me by surprise , although on reflection it isn 't so much of a surprise . I won 't go into the details , that 's not what I want to focus on . I moved out about six weeks ago . I have all three boys every other weekend , the 11 - year - old by himself on Monday nights , and on Wednesday nights I alternate between the eight - year - old and the 18 - month - old . The adjustment has been tough for all of us . For me , this is my first time ever living alone . I 've always at least had a roommate . The house is very quiet when it 's just me . Sometimes that 's nice , sometimes it 's not , but it always feels weird . I assume that eventually I 'll get used to it . I had the eight - year - old this evening . He was really upset for a while when he got here , but once I got some food into him he calmed down . We outside and ate dinner . he was sitting in the rocking chair again . He does a better job of staying at the table and eating when he sits in the rocking chair . I may have to move it into the house come winter . He engaged with me really well after dinner . He was dragging a chair around the yard , smiling and giggling . I took several pictures of him , but I didn 't manage to catch the smile . We played " I 'm going to get you " for a long time . We ran back and forth across the yard . He was looking back over his shoulder at me . I haven 't managed to get that level of engagement for quite a while . I don 't think it would happen if the 18 - month - old had been here with us . It 's hard to focus on the eight - year - old when the 18 - month - old is around . |
His life was in ruins , his career gone ; his reputation destroyed by self - righteous men . And worst of all , the love of his life was lost to him forever - she who had made everything glow with the light shining from her very soul . The wreck of my memories . Dr . Jacob Wells wanted to die , but could not kill himself ; the very fiber of his being would not allow that , even now . He walked through the city streets carrying an old battered suitcase , with no thought of where he was going or where he had been . He looked up at the world around him . It was night . It had been midmorning when he had received Margaret 's letter . Had he been walking all day ? He noticed that the traffic sounds were now faint and the streets barely lit . He felt a sudden chill and realized it had begun to snow , and he was in a part of the city that was less than savory . But he didn 't care about the cold or who might lurk in the shadows . He was tired , but he kept walking until he found himself on the docks , where the sounds of laughter and singing came from a bar nearby . He entered into the noise and light , unconsciously drawn by the need to be with people . He ordered a scotch , and when he tasted it he knew that it was less than good quality , but he ordered another . He 'd never been one for heavy drinking , but he emptied one glass after another . He spoke to no one , and no one spoke to him . Then he was being told by a gruff , tired voice that the bar was closing , and to pay his tab . Suddenly something was pressed into his kidneys , and a deep voice said , " Gimme yer wallet , or you 're dead . " " I am already dead , young man . Nothing you could do to me could make me feel any worse . " " It really doesn 't matter to me one way or the other , but if you do , do a proper job , please . " As he took out his wallet and turned toward the man , suddenly the gun went off . When he saw what he 'd done , his attacker grabbed at the wallet , and ran off . Jacob fell to the ground , his right leg unable to support him . In a detached manner , he examined what had happened . He 'd felt a thud in his right side and knew that the bullet must have hit bone . He was stunned , but strangely he felt no pain , only surprise . So this is how it feels to be shot , he thought . He could smell burned cloth and gunpowder , and when he put his hand to his side he felt the tear in his jacket just above the pocket where the bullet had penetrated , and the stickiness of his own blood . The gun must have been pointing down and hit him in the hip , he thought absently . He began to laugh , adrenaline and the scotch making him lightheaded . Then a burning pain began to sear through his hip and down his right leg . He realized that it was not a mortal wound , but he could still die of shock or blood loss , and that was a comforting thought . As the pain increased , he began to lose consciousness . He felt a warm hand on his face and opened his eyes . A woman was bent over him , her dark brown hair falling out of a scarf wrapped around her head . She had a care - worn expression and sad , but kind brown eyes . " Can you stand ? " What a funny thing for her to ask . Why should he try to stand or even to move ? He was feeling quite comfortable where he was , and although the pain was increasing , he really just wanted to sleep . She started pulling at his grey suit coat . " You have to get to someplace warm . You can 't stay here . You 'll freeze or bleed to death . " And she began to tug on his jacket harder . He laughed at such an absurd suggestion . " My dear young woman , I am quite comfortable right here , thank you . " His became very serious . " Yes ! " The single word set her back on her heels . Then her jaw set and she said , " Well , I 'm not going to let you ! " She got to her feet and ran into the alley . Jacob watched , detached , as the woman stopped at a manhole at the end of the ally . Then he saw a beam of light come from the opening , and he thought he was hallucinating when she called out to someone down below . " Piper ! Piper , help me ! " " Oh okay , okay ! " The head grew into the small compact body of a man with large wild eyes . Jacob was lifted , and with an arm over each of their shoulders , dragged toward the hole . But before he got there the pain became so intense that he passed out . " Yes . A few of us live here . It 's warm and no one can hurt us here . " She spoke as though she had some experience with being hurt , physically as well as emotionally . Then he remembered his manners . " I 'm sorry . I 've been remiss . You 've saved my life , and I don 't even know your name . I am Jacob . " " You have every reason to feel badly , Jacob . " She lifted a crumpled piece of newspaper from beside her and showed him . It had his picture on the front page with the headline ' Chittenden Research Doctor Blacklisted . ' " I 'm sorry , Jacob . " She handed him a warm sweater . " Here , put this on . It 's always chilly down here . " She indicated his battered suitcase on the floor beside him . " There 's your suitcase . Piper found your wallet on the street . It was empty . " He looked down at the suitcase that held all that remained of his life , and his heart ached . Then he turned his attention to her words and away from the pain . There was a steel girder against one wall , half buried into the floor . She turned to it , and using a piece of pipe , tapped on it . A metallic echo sounded further away . " What is that ? " " Oh . That 's Piper . He 's down the tunnel sending a message to John . John 'll be here soon . He 's the one who took the bullet out . He 's a doctor too , and he 's been looking forward to meeting you . " A woman came in behind both men , pushing past John . " Oh , Dr . Wells . How are you feeling ? " " This is my wife , Anna . She tended your wound after I removed the bullet , " John said . " You will always have a limp , I 'm afraid , but now that the fever has abated you should recover . Although I doubt anyone could help you with the deeper injuries you carry . " " John , please ! " Anna pleaded , turning to her husband . Then she turned to Jacob and said , " I 'm sorry , Dr Wells . My husband has a caustic humor , but he means well . We 're all family here , and have left our old lives behind , some of us even our old names . " " And acquired others , " John said , still standing by the doorway . " Well , thank you all . I am sure I would be dead now had it not been for your intervention . " Two years later , Jacob Wells had found a new purpose in his life . He had helped carve new chambers and find new tunnels . His skills as an administrator had aided John Pater to turn the small group of outcasts and misfits into an organized family and in the process had become good friends . And he had delivered five babies , all girls and tended many injuries . Although his expertise was in research , he had had basic medical training . However , Jacob sometimes questioned some of John 's motives , and it troubled him . He came into his chamber wiping dirt and sweat from his forehead , his limp hardly noticeable . The injury didn 't stop him from joining the other men in heavy tasks . He paused at the entrance to find Grace standing on a chair putting the finishing touches to her latest project - a golden , fan shaped , stained - glass window that she had salvaged from the demolition site of an old church . " It 's almost finished . Isn 't it beautiful , Jacob ? " She said , as she turned to face him , the last piece of colored glass in her hand . " See how the lights from the torches outside shine through it ? " He lifted her into his arms . " Yes , it is beautiful . But you should not be standing up there . You could fall , and you 're not strong to begin with . " When he placed her on her feet , she lifted her arms around his neck and kissed him , then placed his hand on her swollen stomach . " He 's fine . Feel how strong he is ? " He looked down and couldn 't help but grin . " Yes , he 's strong , but you are not . You 're supposed to be resting . " She moved out of his arms , annoyed at this old argument . " Oh Jacob , I 'm fine , and everything will be too . You worry too much . " He did worry and had from early on in her pregnancy . " Grace , please be serious for once in your life . " He 'd been thrilled when , after they had moved into this chamber together , she 'd told him she was carrying his child . But his joy soon turned into fear when he 'd first examined her to find that she should never have a child . She had high blood pressure , anemia , and a slight frame , and although they were eating well enough now , she had obviously spent many years malnourished , and this had left its mark as well . He worried , not only for the baby , but for Grace , also . Walking away from him , she looked over her shoulder , a wicked twinkle in her eyes . He could never stay angry with her , and she knew it , and used it against him every chance she got . With a shake of his head he took her in his arms . " You are a wicked woman . " She put her arms around him and said " I know . " She kissed him , and then moved away . " And you smell . Go wash , and I 'll meet you in the dining chamber . " He watched her leave the room realizing how happy she had made him . Then the shadow of old memories passed over his mind and his happiness faded . He quickly found clean clothes and went to wash . He held his son in his arms as he looked down at Grace 's still form . She had not been strong enough . He had not been skilled enough . The labor had been much too long . So many things had gone wrong . Nevertheless he should have been able to save her . Her last words had been , " Oh , Devin , you 're beautiful … " Now her face was turning from its pink flush of life to the grey of death , and his heart ached as her child cried in his arms . Anna , standing at his side , took the child and carried him out of the room , his strong wails echoing behind him . Jacob looked at the face of the woman who had been his companion and friend for over a year . A kind woman , a loving woman , a generous woman , but not the woman he still missed desperately . Grace had eased the ache of losing Margaret . She had given him love and the will to live - and a son - but he had never been able to give her fully of himself , and she knew it and didn 't care . Two years passed , and yet his guilt at losing Grace never waned , and although he loved his son , he was unable to give him the single - minded attention that he felt a father should give to his own child . " Unfortunately . " The assistant lifted the tiny body of the infant from the table . " It 's a pity . It 's perfectly formed . Not like the others . And it was so strong in vitro . " " Yes , Gould , but it 's dead . No pulse . No respiration . " " Perhaps we should check brain activity . It 's - not normal after all - how do we know what 's normal for it ? All of its organs and life support functions are human . It 's only its DNA that 's not . It was designed for strength and endurance I don 't understand . It was alive at birth . It took its first breath , and then with no warning , it just died . " Angrily pulling his blood - covered gloves from his hands , the doctor turned to his assistant . " It 's another failure , Gould . It doesn 't matter how or why it died . It died . It 's our last chance . We 'll lose our funding now . Twenty failures with not one viable or living specimen . My career is over , and you 'll have to find other employment . Now take that out and throw it in the incinerator , like the others . There must be no evidence left behind . " " No . The other autopsies were inconclusive . I 'm not wasting my time on another . Now just do as you 're told . I have to go and tell the Director that it 's a failure . They 'll have to find another way to grow replacement organs . " He turned and left the room . Gould looked down at the tiny , perfectly formed creature in his hands . It was a shame . He could have been paid five times his usual salary if this last experiment had worked . He looked at his watch . He had a date in fifteen minutes . It would take at least thirty to get to the incinerator and destroy the evidence . It was snowing , and Anna was hurrying on her way to the tunnel entrance near the hospital . Shivering , she stopped at a sound from the garbage nearby . It sounded like a muffled kitten 's meow , weak and pleading . A week ago she had lost another baby , and she thought that perhaps a kitten might help her heart heal . Jacob had said that she would never be able to conceive again . She heard the tiny sound again , and went toward the garbage . After searching she could not see any little furry body . Then as she was looking behind the trash can , a cloth covered bundle moved . Oh God , someone has tried to smother the poor little thing . She lifted the tightly wrapped bundle . She heard the sound again and felt a feeble movement in her hands . She heard the sound of the garbage truck coming , so she ran into the ally , carrying the tiny parcel with her . When she was safely in the tunnels she unwrapped the sheet , and when she got down to the tiny body she couldn 't believe what she found . Her heart melted . " You poor little thing ! " she whispered , as she gently touched the tiny baby boy in her arms . He was something out of a fairy tale , beautiful and unimagined . She smoothed his tiny cheek with a finger , and his eyes opened , and she was lost in their depths . She touched his tiny muzzle , and he opened his mouth and made a piteous sound again . His tiny furry body was covered in blood , his thick hair damp , and she lifted him closer and snuggled him against her . " You won 't die . I won 't let you " she said , and the usually gentle and accommodating , Anna Pater became a fierce lioness protecting her cub . She wrapped him back up , leaving his beautiful face exposed so he could breathe . Then she slipped him into her old coat to share some of her warmth . " What has happened ? Are you all right ? " Jacob asked , thinking it was her blood . " Yes , Jacob . I 'm fine . John is down below searching out new chambers . " Jacob knew that John could disappear for days at a time , and he relaxed slightly . Then Anna held out the sheet . " But he needs your help , Jacob . He 's dying . You have to help him ! " It was very small , only about three pounds in weight , and at first he thought it was dead . But then it moved feebly , and its cleft mouth opened , its muzzle screwed up in a grimace . Then a deep mewling sound escaped its lips . " Yes , Jacob . It 's a little boy . Isn 't he beautiful ? Look at him . He opened his eyes a moment ago , and they are a beautiful deep blue . Can you help him , Jacob ? " Jacob was stunned . How could something like this exist ? Then the deep mewling came again , and the child opened his eyes , and Jacob was struck with a powerful emotion that he couldn 't name , except that he knew he must do everything he could to save this unusual and precious child . He turned , placing the child on his bed beneath Grace 's fan shaped window , and began to unwrap it from the bloody sheet . He took some warm water that he had used earlier to make tea and began to wipe the blood from the tiny chilled body as it feebly waved thin arms and legs , complaining of the discomfort - proving there might be enough life left in him to fight to survive . He went to the old chest that held some of Devin 's old clothes , and finding what he needed , put it on the baby . As he did this he spoke to Anna , asking her where she found the child . By the time he had cleansed him . Anna had finished her story . " St . Vincent 's Hospital ? " he asked . " Yes , I thought we could call him Vincent . It 's a good strong name . He 'll need a strong name " Anna said hopefully . " Anna , you must realize that he might not survive . I have never seen anything like him before . A good strong name will not be all he will need . " " But he 's trying so hard , Jacob ; I can feel it in him , can 't you ? A strength and drive to fight for every breath . He must live , Jacob . He must ! " Jacob turned to the woman who had wanted so desperately to have a child of her own , and who had been a surrogate mother to Devin for the last two years . He saw the pleading in her eyes and looked down at the babe in his arms . And as he did , those eyes opened again and in their depths he saw - trust - and when the baby made that deep sound again , it was almost as though he too was pleading for his life . Jacob felt a tightening in his chest , at the thought of this miracle perishing . Yes , he could feel the strength in the babe , but even so he would need every bit of help . This child must survive . For Anna 's sake at least . " Very well . I 'll do what I can . But first we have to get him warm , and he must be hungry . I 'll see to that . You hold him and try to warm him up . Put him against your skin . " " No , Anna . He has a diaper that will do for now . What he needs most right now is warmth and human contact . Warm skin against his skin will do that faster than anything else , and once he 's been fed he 'll be able to fight harder to survive . " Jacob left the room while Anna sat on his bed under the fan shaped window . Opening her dress she slipped the babe beneath it , against her skin . His chilled , slightly furred body tickled her , and then a tiny hand reached up to come in contact with her skin , and tiny claws kneaded her flesh , but not enough to draw blood . It wasn 't painful . Besides she would give her very life for this amazing and beautiful miracle child . For three days the child hovered on the brink of death , and all that time he cried , weakly at first , and then once he had been fed and warmed he would not settle . Every woman in the community took turns holding him and feeding him and rocking him , and all of them were profoundly touched by him , unable to identify exactly what it was . Some of the men , however felt he was a freak that should not be allowed to live , and may someday cause their world to be discovered . But Jacob and Anna and Mary and the few men like Nathan Coyle and Piper , who had been touched by the babe 's valiant fight , stood against them , and all the children thought he was wonderful . On the fourth day , however , Jacob was concerned as he listened to the child 's heartbeat . It was faint and he was still so very weak . He would hardly eat , merely fretted constantly , and now he had a fever , and his strength was failing . Jacob was worried . Something must be done , or the child would die , and for the first time in four years he made the decision to go Above . " Above ? " Anna asked when he told her . " You have never gone Above since you came here . " " I know , Anna . But he needs medical treatment that I cannot provide , and I need some information . I have a friend . A doctor in a hospital Above . I must go to him . " Be careful , Jacob , " Anna said as she clutched the babe , now dressed in warm knitted garments , close to her , as though someone from Above might take him from her . " Yes , sir . He 's in delivery . " " Could you tell him when he is free that an old friend wishes to see him , please ? " " What name , sir ? " Jacob sat on the uncomfortable couch and waited while the man paced . " She will be all right , you know . Peter is very good . " he said , trying to calm the man . " She 's not strong , you see . We didn 't think we would be able to have any children , and now Peter says she won 't be able to have any more . If anything should happen to either of them I don 't know what I 'd do . " " You seem to know a great deal about Peter , " Charles said , and Jacob was pleased . His diversion was working . The man seemed to be a little calmer . " I have a daughter ? " " Yes , Charles , and both mother and daughter are doing well . You can go in and see them in a few moments . " Peter turned , and after a few moments , recognition dawned and he said " Jacob ? Oh my God , Jacob ! When the nurse said a Dr . Wells was waiting , I never dreamed it could be you . We thought you were dead ! " In two strides Peter was embracing his old friend . " What happened to you ? Where have you been ? " An hour later Peter was examining the tiny babe . " From what I can see he has a fever , but I have no idea what is normal for him . He is such an enigma . Low heart rate and respiration , and he 's undersized , for any newborn . Where did he come from ? " " He was most likely born about five to ten days ago , by the look of the umbilicus . But was his mother human ? " Peter asked , his hands gently touching the babe 's unusual face . " It doesn 't matter who his parents were , Peter . He 's a miracle and he 's alive . He must survive ! " " I 'll do all I can , but without a frame of reference , I 'm working blind . I have no idea what is normal for him . " " Do all you can , Peter . Please . Your best guess is better than most doctors ' expert opinions . " Peter slapped Jacob on the shoulder and said , " All right old friend . I 'll do everything I can . Now let 's get to work . " John Pater returned from his extended search of the lower chambers with news of a huge cavern he had found that he intended to use as his and Anna 's new home . Anna was cradling a wrapped bundle in her arms and humming to it . At first he thought she had lost her mind , cradling a doll or an imaginary child in her arms , and then it moved , and he realized that it was a real baby . " Anna , what have you got there ? " " I found him behind St . Vincent 's Hospital . He had been left in the trash to die . Isn 't he adorable ? " Anna said , lifting the baby up to show her husband . " No ! I love him , John . He needs me . He 's been fighting to live for days , and I will not let any harm come to him " Anna said , with a determined look at her husband , cradling the thing protectively against her . John was shocked . It was the first time his wife had ever stood against him on any subject . Then he decided there was a more profitable way to get rid of the little monster . " You know you might be right . He could be our ticket out of here , Anna ! We could take him to the government or a research facility , and they will pay us a fortune . Why he 'll make us rich ! " " He 's not a thing to be sold , and he doesn 't belong to us , John . He is a part of the community . I 've only been looking after him , just like everyone else . " " No , John ! He 's a helpless baby , not a commodity that you can exploit . " She stood up and began to back away from him , and the infant became calmer . " No ! " Anna said clutching the now wailing child close . " He can feel what you want to do to him . You will not harm him ! " " Anna ! " John yelled , and grabbed the baby out of Anna 's arms , pushing her , and she fell heavily to the ground . Carrying the now wailing child in his arms , John left the chamber . Anna , sobbing and bruised , ran into Jacob 's chamber . " Jacob , John has taken Vincent ! " Jacob looked up in alarm . " Taken Vincent ? Where ? Why ? " " John wants to sell him for experiments " Anna sobbed , sitting heavily on the bed . Jacob ran from the room , down the twisting and turning tunnels , adrenalin masking any pain from his hip as he went . He took a different route . He knew where John was going , and he would come out ahead of him . Gasping for air , Jacob stopped , waiting at the top of the iron staircase to the surface tunnels , listening for the sound of John 's approach . The first thing he heard was a baby 's angry wails , and Jacob was again amazed at this tiny , unique child . Vincent wasn 't afraid . He was angry , and Jacob was certain , given what he 'd learned of the baby 's way of sensing people 's intent , that it was because he 'd been taken from loving arms , to be carried into the cold darkness by someone with evil intent . Jacob realized that John , a highly strung man , had finally lost his hold on reality . " Your empire ? John , you can 't do this . That child is special , very special . Don 't turn him into an experiment . I 've seen what they do . Please let him have a normal life . " John looked down at the now quiet child , unaffected by the deep blue gaze centered on him . He lifted the wrapped bundle up to display him to his friend . " This , have a normal life ? Are you mad , Jacob ? How can this … " You are deluding yourself , Jacob . This … thing … will never have a normal life . Let me take him away from here , get money for him , to aid this new world we have created . Join me , Jacob . We could be kings . " " Nothing . If I can 't do what I wish with him , then no one will have him . " He began to let go of the bundle and the babe 's screams echoed off the walls of the staircase . Jacob caught the baby , and pulled him tightly against his body , but was unable to stop John 's headlong fall down the stairs . Jacob looked over the rail , wondering if John would survive such a fall , and he made his way slowly down the winding staircase . When he reached the bottom , John was nowhere to be seen . Two weeks passed , and rumors began to circulate that John had begun to gain followers from the less savory dwellers of the lower levels of the community . Although there had never been a leader of the community per se , it was evident that John was determined to become that leader . The community was having its darkest hour , and was split into two factions . Jacob placed sentries at the outer boundaries of the largest and most populated chambers and tunnels . But he knew this situation could not go on . It had to be resolved , or their entire world was in jeopardy . Feeling that this sanctuary world was about to die , Jacob was ready to do anything that might save it , now more than ever . It was the only place where Vincent could live in peace . For that reason alone , he was willing to risk even his own life . He made his way down the ancient windy steps of what had become known as the Chamber of the Winds , until he came to signs of habitation . " John ? " he called into the huge entrance of a cavernous chamber . His voice echoed back to him . " And live under your rule Father ? I think not . This was my world before you came . I should have let you die instead of saving your life . " Paracelsus lowered his head , and Jacob saw the merest hint of sadness in his friend 's face . " I cannot do as you ask , Jacob . It 's too late . " For the first time in four years of knowing John Pater , Jacob saw regret in his friend 's face . " I was badly bruised from the fall , and when I went to our chamber she nursed me . The soft - hearted creature that she was , she thought I had learned my lesson , and would just accept the way things were . Well , I was not willing to do that . I had some of the poison I 'd been making to curtail the rat problem in my chambers , and when she was getting bandages for my cuts , I put some in a glass of wine . We always had a glass before bed each evening . " Amazingly there were tears in his eyes as he said , " Whatever you may think of me , Jacob , I did love Anna . It was the hardest thing I ever had to do . " The moment of weakness fading , John Pater stood straight and said , " She disobeyed me . No one , particularly my own wife , disobeys me ! I asked her to go and get the child , but she refused . She refused ! " Then suddenly there was a sound of fighting in the cavern behind John , and he turned to Jacob . " I 'm sorry , John . We had no choice . You were only small in number , and Nathan and some of the other men had found another way into the cavern . He has led a group in behind your people as we talked , and now has them under protective custody . " A meeting was held , and by unanimous decision of the entire tunnel community , John was found guilty of murder and was forcibly taken , with those who wished to go with him , to the outer boundaries . The entrances were sealed to that part of the tunnels , and sentries placed there from that day on to guard against any further incursions . Anyone who was found there was turned back , and for many years the tunnel community was constantly vigilant as to Paracelsus ' whereabouts - yet not always privy to his activities . The child in Jacob 's care swiftly began to gain strength . One month later he was officially welcomed into the community with a Naming Ceremony . Everyone in the community was gathered in a large bare chamber that was not far from where Jacob slept with his son and now baby Vincent - a chamber that was intended to be a communal meeting place , where Jacob intended to place all the books he 'd been collecting . Now officially known as ' Father , ' Jacob stood at the top of a small flight of carved stone steps , the entire community below him . In his arms was his adopted son , wrapped in a white shawl made by Anna Pater , wearing clothes worn by other newborns from the community before him . His golden head was turned to his father , his blue eyes intense . At Father 's feet Devin stood , looking up with a serious expression in his dark brown eyes . " Together we have weathered a storm , our first as a community , and have overcome great sorrow . After much sorrow and loss , the time of darkness is ended , bringing us to this day . And now is a time of peace and rejoicing . A child is the meaning of life . The proof of that has never been more apparent to me than on this day as we celebrate this new and unique life that has come into our world . What better way for us to celebrate such a rebirth than to name our newest member , the child who has given us all hope and a renewed purpose . From now on this place will be a sanctuary for this child and for anyone from the world Above who needs it . We welcome the child with love , that he may be able to love . We welcome the child with gifts , that he may learn generosity . And finally we welcome the child with a name … " He paused , looking down at the baby in his arms , remembering the moment he had first seen this unique life and what had been said then . " Anna found him , and she named him , so just as ' Vincent ' will be protected and sheltered by this world , so will anyone who needs it , and an annual festival will be prepared to help us remember why we are here and what this place means to us and to thank our Helpers in the world Above . A winter 's festival . ' Winterfest ' …" * * * * In stark contrast to the ceremony Below , another was taking place in a cathedral in Manhattan . The proud parents of a baby girl stood at the font beside the white robed priest . The church was filled with well - wishers from New York society , and the baby wore an elaborate and beautifully decorated christening gown , one that had been handed down from one generation to the next . The baby 's delicate face had a cherub - like quality as she lay in her mother 's arms , quiet and calm . |
We have a folklore class every other Tuesday where we sing songs and learn Russian dances and games . The other day we played a game involving flowers , which is meant for Russian children . If your flower is chosen , and you don 't answer fast enough , then it is required for you to take off something you 're wearing . I am not kidding , children play this game in Russia . Most people in our group took off watches , but Jeff was forced to take off his belt because he didn 't have a watch . Apparently strip games are not only for adults in Russia . I should not have been surprised . We experienced Russian clubs for the first time this weekend . We went to two different ones . The first club played a lot of Russian techno music , with the exception of Lady Gaga , which the club played especially for Emily 's birthday . There was a brief period in the first club where all of the power went off right after we first got up to dance . We all joked that we were so bad at dancing that the system just shut down in protest . The second club was really big and really expensive . They played only English techno , and there were way more guys than girls . It was a sausage fest . The guys weren 't remotely interested in dancing with girls because they were all too busy busting out by themselves . It was a bunch of guys in beaters and jeans acting like they were in the movie Step Up . It was absolutely hilarious . I saw my first Russian bar fight in the classiest bar I 've been to yet here . A tall , gangly guy with an arguile vest literally kicked some guy out the door because he was too drunk . The guy came in again , so the innocent looking waiter kicked him out again . And I mean , he literally raised his foot and kicked this guy in the back . After the guy fell out the door , the waiter ( I swear to God ) did a superman dive out the door on top of this guy and started beating him to a pulp . Afterwards the waiter came inside and called an ambulance because there was so much blood poring out of the guy 's head . Meanwhile I was the ONLY ONE who saw any of this happen . Everyone else in my group was too deeply immersed in conversation to hear me saying , " Guys did you see that ? ? " It was crazy . I also went to Globus , which is the Russian equivalent of Costco ( which is like Sam 's Club for those of you who don 't have Costco ) . Except Globus was way nicer than Costco because it wasn 't in a crappy warehouse with birds flying around everywhere . I honestly felt like I had somehow passed through a portal to America , because absolutely nothing in Vladimir looks like this . It had absolutely everything . However , there were several reminders that I was still in Russia . For one , instead of workers looking bored in blue smocks , there were giant mafia - type men in suits with earpieces , standing still and staring at everyone . There were also too many people walking around with whole fish for it to be America . In America , most of our fish can be bought pre - gutted and without their heads . The idea is laughable in Russia . The Globus symbol is also too creepy . It is a smiley face , but one eye is a globe . It looks like it should be a villain in a James Bond movie because the globe looks more like a diamond . It is particularly eerie . I remember before I came to Russia , one of my friends told me that Russians make crazy remixes of American songs , and play them in clubs . Today I found out that Russians do not limit their remixes to American songs , but ANYTHING American . And I mean anything . Today , a couple of us were in " Whiskey Pub , " a popular bar / nightclub , when all of a sudden we heard George Bush 's voice speaking over techno music . That 's right , I kid you not , I heard a remix to George Bush 's " We got Saddam Hussein " speech . The next morning we woke up and talked about how nice Dima was , and we all agreed that he was the nicest man we had ever met . This led to the thought that he probably robbed us all blind . Thankfully , he didn 't . He came into our room later to give all the girls in our group roses because it was International Women 's Day . It is traditional for people to give all the women they know presents , but it was really nice of him to think of us also since we had known him for all of a day . It was officially the first flower a man has ever voluntarily given me ( the only one I 've ever gotten before was from my prom date , where its obligatory to give your date a corsage ) . He even gave me two because he saw that my first one was slightly drooping , and he thought I needed a new one , despite my telling him that it was fine . After that Misha , Dima , and Christina made us all breakfast , and videotaped us . Misha asked us a million questions that he recorded on his video camera , and then he would randomly want us to throw our hands in the air , and yell " Whoo ! " It was all very weird . Emily , Erin , and I went to go find the famous statue of Peter the Great , a . k . a the Bronze Horseman , that Pushkin wrote about . It was not nearly as exciting as we thought it would be . The statue a ways away from it was more interesting because it was a bust of a Stalin - look - alike with a camel sitting under it . We could not for the life of us figure out what it was supposed to be . But , naturally , we all took pictures riding the camel . God had blessed us with the gift of Pizza Hut close to our hostel , so after we wondered around the park we went there to buy AMERICAN pizzas ( as opposed to the Russian version of pizza , which involve way too much cabbage ) for the train ride back to Vladimir . We went inside and were immediately greeted by the cash register , which told us " WE LOVE YOU ! ! ! ! ! " No , no - Pizza Hut , we love YOU . Erin ordered a whole pizza for herself , but Emily and I decided to order one large pizza that we would share with the rest of our group . We sat down to wait at the " waiting area , " which had a pitcher full of nasty gas water for our enjoyment . In Russia you have to differentiate between water with or without " gas , " which is the Russian way of saying sparkling water . When we finally got our pizzas Emily and I realized that our pizza wasn 't big enough for us and Jeff and Courtney . We decided that we didn 't want to share after all , so we ordered another pizza for them . The restaurant must have thought we were so bizarre because after we ordered our third pizza , we began to eat our to - go pizzas in the restaurant . When we finally got our third pizza , we had to sprint back to the hostel because we were running late for our train . In order to make our train , we had to power walk through the city . Naturally we were all thinking very violent thoughts toward all the slow - walkers of Saint Petersburg who were strolling leisurely in our way . Of course it also began to snow violently along the way . But it turned out all right because we made our train with five minutes to spare . The train ride was mostly non eventful , but at around 11 : 30 I was awoken by a member of the militsia ( Russian police ) smacking me with his folder . It was extremely frightening because generally when foreigners are confronted by the militsia , it is not for a good reason . They usually want to find a way to prove we 're here illegally if we don 't bribe them . So , naturally , I was like oh no , here we go . I couldn 't understand what he was saying , but I heard " purse " and " ticket " a lot so I decided he wanted me to get my ticket out of my purse , but when I looked up again he was walking away . It turned out that he simply wanted me to put my purse in a safer place so it wouldn 't be stolen . It was very nice of him , but I wish he hadn 't hit me repeatedly . We got into Vladimir at 5 am . We stood around waiting for a bus until 5 : 45 . It was cold . I went home and slept until 7 : 30 when I had to get up and go to school . It was a hell of a day , but it was totally worth it . I absolutely loved Saint Petersburg , but I wish I could have spoken more Russian there because , like Moscow , they speak too much English . Many people actually assumed I was French and started speaking French to me . St . Petersburg was also super European , and not remotely Russian . I am very glad I am studying in Vladimir for the semester because I am getting a real Russian experience . On Sunday Jeff and I started the day off together because we both wanted to go to the Pushkin apartment . Pushkin is a very famous Russian poet who died in a duel . The man he dueled wanted Pushkin 's wife because she was apparently very beautiful . The Pushkin museum is famous for having Pushkin 's death mask , a lock of his hair , and the vest he wore with the bullet hole in it . We actually found the apartment pretty easily , and bought our tickets ( successfully fooling the ticket lady into thinking we were Russian ) . However , when we went up the stairs to the museum , the ladies who looked at our tickets said , " Oh you bought tickets for the apartment , not the museum , so you can 't come in here . " We asked where the apartment was , only to be answered with " not here . " It was extremely helpful . We finally found the dumb apartment across the courtyard . Inside we had to put on felt slippers over our boots instead of plastic booties , which was extremely frustrating because there were no slippers big enough for Jeff , and no slippers small enough for me . So we both had to walk really awkwardly throughout the apartment so that we would stay in our damn slippers . Once we finally got into them ( sort of ) , we went into the first part of the museum . It turned out to be two boring rooms with absolutely nothing interesting . There were some letters we couldn 't even read because they were in fancy , old Russian script . There was a glass case with a dueling kit ( two guns , two bullets , etc ) , and I got excited and asked Jeff , " Is that the gun Pushkin used in the duel ? " We read the sign , and it turns out it wasn 't exciting either . The sign said , " Pistols used in the time period . " Big whoop . Above the kit was a portrait of the man Pushkin dueled , and underneath the name it said , " Non - famous Artist . " The poor artist wasn 't even named because apparently no one cared . This didn 't surprise me too much because , after all , I didn 't care either . At this point Jeff and I were pretty pissed . We thought we had paid money to see two dumb rooms that weren 't even in an apartment , with nothing of any importance to Pushkin in them . Luckily , it turned out that after these abysmal rooms there were stairs leading up to the actual apartment . His apartment was very pretty and interesting . He had a very excellent library , and now I want one just like it . When we were finished looking at the apartment , we figured it didn 't turn out so bad like we previously thought , but we were sad that we didn 't get to see the awesome morbid stuff , like the death mask . As we were walking out of the door , one of the ladies who worked in the apartment called us over in a harsh whisper , and started leading us over to something in a really shady manner . She said , " Here , here , students you should see something over here " and then she pulled a black blanket off something we hadn 't even seen before , and there was Pushkin 's hair and death mask ! She walked over to another covered case , and revealed the vest with the bullet hole . She acted the whole time as though we were going to be arrested if someone found out we were looking at these things . It was incredibly odd , but you really can 't expect anything normal in this utterly bizarre country . As we were walking down the stairs of the apartment , Jeff 's slippers finally gave way to his giant feet and he went crashing down the first level of the beautiful staircase . After he picked himself and put his slipper back on , we started down the second level of the staircase , where he promptly almost ate it again . I bought a book of Pushkin 's poems from the store , so now I can say I have a Pushkin book FROM St . Petersburg , FROM the house he lived in . All in all , what we thought would be a disastrous visit , turned out to be good . Afterwards , Jeff and I went to the giant , famous cathedral in St . Petersburg . It looks like it is something straight out of the game Candyland , but instead it is called the Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood . So clearly it is from some violent Russian version of Candyland . Anyway , Jeff and I were buying tickets to go inside from ticket windows right next to each other . I handed the ticket lady my Russian student card , and she looked at it like " What in the hell is this ? ? " The school I study at ( KORA ) is a very small technicum in Vladimir , so since this woman had never heard of it , she was turning it over in her hands , wondering if it was legit . That 's when I saw Jeff 's ticket lady in the background , showing Jeff 's student card to a manager , saying , " What the hell is this ? ? " Finally they decided to make up a price for us . We got charged below the foreign price , but above the Russian price . Our ticket ladies made it very clear that we were a disturbance while doing so . Inside the church was absolutely beautiful . Churches in Russia are either gold inside or covered in mosaics . This one was the latter version . It was very interesting to see , but Jeff and I agreed that it was not worth the 130 rubles we paid for it , especially since the signs told us squat about the mosaics . I finally pushed my way through a million people to get to the sign , only to find out that it said , " This wood was donated by so and so , blah blah " Are you kidding me ? No one wants to read about that ; I wanted to read about the pictures ! Nonetheless , the inside of the Cathedral was still interesting to see . After we finished with the cathedral Jeff and I went to the Russian museum . This museum has many famous Russian paintings and sculptures , and I thought these were much better than the ones in the Hermitage . There was one painting called " The Wave " that showed a large wave wrecking a ship . The painting next to it , by the same artist , was called " The Ninth Wave " and it showed the ship absolutely decimated . There was also a very huge , famous painting depicting the volcano in Pompeii exploding . As usual , many of the paintings showed tragedies happening to people . At one point in the museum I saw a tour guide holding a stuffed pony that had rope attached to it . Attached to the rope were seven small children . They were literally tied to the rope , and being lead around by a stuffed pony . I just about died from trying to hold back laughter . When I was in the gift store in the Russian museum , I realized exactly how much Russians love Nicholas II . There were about a million and one books about him , and his face was plastered across practically everything . You could buy magnets , postcards , and assorted other paraphernalia with his face on it . That night Courtney , Jeff , and I made pelmeni , which is similar to tortellini , but with meat inside , and without sauce . We met some Russians in the kitchen of our hostel and talked with them . One of them , Misha , had taken five years of English , so he wanted to practice with us . His friends Dima and Christina just sat and listened for the most part because their English wasn 't very good . At one point Misha asked us , " So what do you think about us aliens from Moscow ? " We didn 't know how to respond , so we went with the ever - intelligent " uhhhh ? " After a very awkward , long silence , Misha said ( in a very strong Russian accent ) , " So now I would like to talk about religion . " Overall it was a very strange experience . Later that night we all decided that we wanted to go dancing at a club that Jeff 's friend in the Saint Petersburg group went to a lot . Just to be polite we asked Misha , Dima , and Christina if they wanted to come with us . Dima decided to come . At first I was a little concerned about him because he kept following me around wherever I went . Eventually , however , we realized that he was the nicest guy that we had ever met . Courtney and I talked to him in Russian a lot throughout the night because we three didn 't like dancing much , and everyone else in the group did . At one point , a young man who we nicknamed " AC / DC " because he was wearing an AC / DC T - shirt , staggered up to Courtney to hit on her . Courtney was obviously very uncomfortable with the situation , so Dima stood up , led the guy away , and gave him what looked like a very stern talking - to . AC / DC never spoke with us again . Later on in the night , we sat next to " Very Intense Mullet Guy , " who at one point secretly slipped something into Courtney 's pocket . Courtney looked at me and said , " Very Intense Mullet Guy just put something in my pocket . " In order to remember this event the next day , she wrote , " A mysterious person just put something in my pocket " on her hand . Dima kept buying us drinks the whole night because apparently women never buy drinks in Russia ( a tradition that should be implemented in America as well ) . Even if men are not dating a woman they 're hanging out with , or interested in one of them in any way , they still pay for all the woman 's drinks because it is just part of their culture . I kept saying , " No , no let me pay for this one . " Dima just gave me this look that very clearly said , " You will do no such thing . " Courtney , Dima , and I were the last of our group to leave the club . When we got outside , Dima hooked his arm around Courtney 's , and then held his elbow out for me to take . I said , " Oh no I 'm fine , " but he gave me the " This isn 't optional " glare , so I hooked my arm around his too . We realized tPermalink Since St . Petersburg is very far away from Vladimir , we knew that we probably wouldn 't come back a second time . That meant that in order to see everything we each wanted to , we had to split up . On Saturday I decided to go by myself so that I could see everything I wanted to get done that day . I was the first one to leave the hostel at ten am . I wanted to go to the Peter and Paul Fortress first , so I figured out my route on the metro ahead of time . However , when I put my metro token in the slot , it didn 't through correctly . The metro lady started saying something to me through a microphone in her little booth . It 's hard to understand Russian normally , let alone through a resounding microphone , so I started walking towards her . She stepped out of the booth , and I have never had a stranger scream at me like that before . She was screaming something in Russian , and the only thing I understood was " Maybe if you took your headphones out you would hear me ! " So I replied , " No that 's not the problem , I just don 't understand you . " She was not pleased . After this point , of course , I understood everything she said , and it was not very pleasant . She said ( verbatim ) , " You can 't understand me ? Of course you can 't understand me you STUPID FOREIGNER ! " It was all I could do to keep from laughing in her face . She led me over to the machine that I had tried to use . As it turns out , my token had just not gone through correctly , and came back out , like a vending machine . So she put it through a different machine for me , all while making it very clear what a nuisance I was . When I finally was on the escalator going down into the metro , I started laughing to myself because I couldn 't hold it in anymore . All the other people on the escalator thought I was a huge freak for showing so much emotion in public . I had no problem finding the fortress after coming out of the metro because it was so huge . I had to cross a bridge to get into the fortress because it is on an island in the middle of the river Neva . I 'm sure this was great protection during the summer , but during the winter you can just walk across the frozen water to get to the fortress . I 've seen people do it . It is free to walk around the fortress grounds , but if you want to go inside the cathedral or the museums , you have to pay . Since foreigners have to pay an extremely higher price than Russians do , it became kind of a game with us " how many people can we fool ? " We all got Russian student cards for the school , so the trick was to hand the ticket ladies the student card , and not say anything . When we speak Russian , they can immediately hear our accents and tell we 're not Russian . The lady in the ticket office at the Peter and Paul Cathedral , however , took one look at me , and said , " You 're not Russian , " and charged me the full price for foreigners . I went into the Cathedral first , and it was incredible . If I thought the Hermitage had a lot of gold , it was nothing compared to this cathedral . It was covered in gold , and beautiful paintings . I should have expected it though because this was the cathedral where not only the last Romanovs were buried , but also Peter the Great . Anyway , I knew that the remains of Nicholas the Second and his family were buried in the cathedral , and I was worried that I would miss their graves . The names were written in very flowery old Russian script that was hard to read , so I started taking pictures of every grave so that I wouldn 't miss theirs . That was until I saw the large crowd huddled around a separate room that said , " Tomb of Nicholas II and his family . " Turns out I had taken pictures of a bunch of regular Joes . Peter the Great was buried behind the altar , and it was very hard to see him , so I was trying really hard to get a good picture without breaking anything . I didn 't break anything , but I didn 't get a good picture either . After the cathedral I went into the fortress prison . Apparently lots of people were held in this prison during the revolution , including Lenin 's brother . The first prisoner the prison ever had , however , when it was first built , was Peter the Great 's son . Peter the Great even supervised his son 's torture . After I left the Peter and Paul Fortress I went to the Artillery Museum . St . Petersburg has the largest artillery museum in the world , and I thought it was really interesting . I got in for really cheap because I successfully duped the ticket lady into thinking I was Russian . I was one of very few women in the museum , and most of the people in there were fathers with their sons . I thought it was really cute until I saw a bunch of father / son mullet combos . That was not cute at all . Families should not have mullets in general , let alone matching ones . The highlight of my day was seeing a whole family with matching mullets . No joke , the mother , father , and son all had the same mullet . The museum had the tank that Lenin rode in during the Revolution . That was pretty cool . There was also a small section about Americans in World War II , but that was the only other country represented in the museum . This is because the Russians believe that America and Russia were the only two countries that mattered in the war . Which is actually kind of true . After I finished with the museum , I decided to head back to the Dostoevsky museum . I successfully pulled off being Russian again , and got in for FREE . It was an interesting house museum , but it wasn 't the best one I 've seen . One of the ladies in the museum , whose job it was to make sure people didn 't put one toe over the lines , wouldn 't let me go around the museum as I pleased . I went into the living room , and she let me stay there for about thirty seconds before she took my hand and dragged me over to the nursery saying , " You have to see this now . " She did that in every room . I headed back to the hostel after I was finished with the Dostoevsky museum . After dinner we all went out since it was Sarah 's birthday . Jeff 's friends from St . Petersburg told us about a German pub they like to go to all the time , so we went there . It was very small , but the people who worked there didn 't mind trying to seat all 12 of us . The bartender was very nice , and kept asking Erin to marry him . She was very flattered until she realized that he asked several women that night to marry him . He didn 't mind that she was mad at him . When she ordered a beer for Joely , the bartender took a mug off the shelf in the shape of a voluptuous naked woman , and gave it to her saying , " It 's like you ! " It was a fun night , even if it was super crowded . We all woke up at about eight thirty in the morning . We looked outside the train and realized it was snowing violently . Because of the weather we decided to do something inside after we got off the train . Since it was a holiday weekend , we figured that the Hermitage would be pretty crowded . Friday would probably be the least crowded , since most people still had school and work . So we decided to go to the Hermitage on the first day . The train pulled into St . Petersburg soon after we all had finished breakfast . Luckily , it was not snowing very hard there . We got off the train and had to figure out how to get from the train station to the hostel by ourselves . I was the only one with a map because my tutor , Volodya ( everyone and their brother is named Vladimir in Vladimir ) , gave one to me . We are proud to say that we actually got from point A to point B with no problems . Which is a rarity . We stayed in a hostel called " Cuba Hostel , " which decided to go with a Latin American theme . We stayed in room " Verde , " and there were many other rooms with other Spanish colors . However there was one room named " Sin Nombre , " which means " No Name . " It was pretty weird . The hostel was very nice . They had a common room , a kitchen , and free coffee and tea . Our room was indeed green . There were four bunk beds , so we all stayed in the same room ( Joely and Sarah stayed in a different hostel ) . After we had gotten all settled in , we set off to the Hermitage , which was in walking distance because our hostel was located on Nevsky Prospekt in the center of the city . The Hermitage is the one museum in St . Petersburg that is free for students of all nationalities . St . Petersburg has an extremely annoying habit of charging foreigners way more than Russian citizens for popular attractions . However , if you wanted to take pictures in the Hermitage you have to pay 200 rubles . I did because I thought it was worth it since I didn 't have to pay an entrance fee . The Hermitage is also unbelievably huge , so we all had trouble deciding where to start . Courtney and I decided to try and find a map so that we could see all the famous things in the museum . The information desk told us that we could only purchase maps in the gift shops . Of course . Courtney bought one , but I didn 't because I didn 't think it was worth it . Which meant that I got obscenely lost every two seconds . Courtney and I started off in the Egypt exhibit , where there was a real mummy on display . We sat there staring at it for a good while before Courtney finally said , " It looks like a dried up apple . " Which was pretty much a dead - on description . Russia would put ancient dead bodies on display . Overall I thought that the architecture of the Hermitage was much more impressive than the paintings and sculptures . Although , that may be because the rooms made entirely of gold were impressive no matter how many times I had to go through them , whereas after passing through a room with a giant sculpture of a cup five times while lost , I was like " I KNOW , I 've SEEN you already ! " I did see several paintings by Monet , Manet , and Renoir , but they weren 't as impressive as I thought they 'd be . It was probably because I had spent an hour looking for them . I really did love all of the old rooms of the palace because they were so beautiful . I took lots of pictures of the ceiling . At one point I realized there was a bride right next to me in her wedding dress , holding her husbands hand , who was on the phone , looking really unimpressed . At one point I managed to make my way up to the third floor , which was basically no man 's land . There were many tiny rooms , with plain white walls , and each room would maybe have one painting in it . This was where all the Asian art was displayed . If you ask me , the Asians got totally shafted because there was nothing up there , and I decided very quickly that I needed to get out of there . It was an amazing contrast between this floor , and the other two floors , which were decked out in gold . Towards the end of the afternoon I ran into Drew , and we decided to rest in the café for awhile . About ten minutes went by before we saw Jeff coming up to us , looking very frustrated . Of course , it was because he had also seen some rooms all of five times by accident , and couldn 't find other ones . He said that he had seen the Michelangelo sculpture , which I hadn 't seen . We decided that he would show me where the Michelangelo was in exchange for me showing him where the Monet paintings were . We both swore we knew where each was . We both got hopelessly lost . Finally , we found the Michelangelo … which was slightly disappointing because it was a crouching boy that resembled several other sculptures of crouching boys in the museum . The Michelangelo was completely stood up by the sculpture next to it , which depicted the most terrifying dolphin I have ever seen . I think I would only have seen that dolphin swimming through the oceans of hell . We finally had to ask one of the ladies who worked in the museum where the French impressionist paintings were . Even though we asked in perfect Russian , she responded in English . After following her directions , I realized that there was a completely different room where French impressionist paintings were . I still have no idea why there were two rooms with the same artists , at completely different ends of the museum . But we don 't ask questions about Russia . After being disappointed by the impressionists again , Jeff , Drew , and I decided to get the hell out of the museum , before we got any more frustrated with it . We decided to head over to Dostoevsky 's apartment museum before it closed at six . It was at this point that we realized that everyone in Saint Petersburg walks at a glacial pace . After being frustrated with the Hermitage for five hours , it was all we could do to keep from bowling over old ladies in the metro and on the streets who could not possibly have been going any slower . It wasn 't even just older people , but also younger people . We wanted to plant one of them in New York City and see how they fared . We found the Dostoevsky museum easily enough , only to realize that the ticket office closed at five . It was five after five . It was really only to be expected . So instead we went into one of the little Produktees ( small grocery stores ) nearby . There were two rooms inside . The first one was a big room stocked with alcohol , and the second was a tiny room with all of the " less important " stuff , like food . Jeff and Drew bought spaghetti with " tomato sauce , " which ended up being nasty tomato paste . I don 't know why they thought they could buy something normal , like tomato sauce , in Russia . We finally got back to the hostel and had to collapse . Jeff 's friend in the St . Petersburg group came over to hang out with us . We heard enough about their drama to conclude that we were better than them . Jeff and Courtney decided to go out , but the rest of us passed out . The train to Petersburg leaves Vladimir at 10 : 20 pm , which meant Courtney and I needed to leave around 9 : 45 . We saw the number 15 bus go by , which we were pretty sure goes to the train station , so we got on it . Almost immediately after the bus left we realized that this would be the absolute worst time to be wrong . Luckily , for once in Russia , we were right . Everyone had loaded up on cheap Vladimir food for the trip . We all had things like bread , sausage , granola bars , and nutella . Ginger cookies have also become immensely popular with our group , so between us we had about four bags of them . We were set . The train was totally awesome . I had imagined miniscule , wooden planks for beds in a completely open compartment with twenty beds . Instead , I stepped on the train and thought I had died and gone to heaven . There were two bunks in a semi - closed off space , so we at least had some privacy . The bunks also had nice red padding , as well as an extra puffy cushion to put on whenever you wanted to go to sleep . Plus we got clean sheets and towels in a package we had to open . The area was pretty small , but that was only a problem for Jeff , who is 6 ' 5 " . Joely had also told us horror stories about train bathrooms , so we were extremely afraid of them . Jeff was the first one brave enough to actually use one . We huddled , waiting to hear his report . He came back and said , " I do not know WHAT Joely was talking about . That bathrooms is one hundred times better than our school 's bathrooms . " Not only did the bathrooms have toilet SEATS , they also had toilet paper , a working sink , and paper towels . It was truly a gift from God . Jeff mentioned that he had the song " Midnight Train to Georgia " stuck in his head , despite the fact that we were on the ten - o - clock train to Saint Petersburg . We all got it stuck in our heads anyway . Thanks Jeff . Vladimir was not the train 's origin , so there were already many people sleeping when we got on . So we couldn 't be very loud . About fifteen minutes after our train left the station , they turned off all the lights . It was only after we got into bed that Erin and I realized the disadvantage of our bunk ( Erin had the top , and I had the bottom ) . We had the bunk that shared a wall with the bathroom , and every time someone flushed the toilet , the wall vibrated violently . So throughout the night , every time someone used the bathroom , we woke up . It was extremely unpleasant . But when I was asleep , I slept pretty well . I thought I would wake up when the train stopped in Moscow , but I only woke up once for about two seconds when someone flushed the toilet . Emily couldn 't believe that we all slept through that because apparently there was some shady deal going down with the men across from us . She said that a bunch of men kept coming into our area and talking suspiciously with our neighbors . But for the most part , the train ride was way more comfortable than I had expected it to be . Tuesday was the actual holiday for Defenders of the Fatherland ( now also generally known as Men 's Day ) . I am the only one in my group who constantly has a man living in my house . Other people just have host mothers whose sons live elsewhere . However , I got to actually see the holiday celebrated because of my host dad , Volodya . It was a very funny day . Volodya likes his vodka every day of the year , but I guess the holiday gave him a good excuse to drink openly , and a lot . He came up to me at four in the afternoon and asked me ( in Russian ) " You want in ? You want in on the Schnapps ? " I said no , because I 'm not sure it 's appropriate for young women to drink with older men in Russia . He was very sad , but he went out anyway to buy more vodka . When he came back , he sat down in the kitchen and watched the Olympic ice dancing with me while pouring himself shots . He kept trying to get me to drink too , but I kept saying no . Iya came home in the middle of this and got mad at Volodya . She saw the vodka bottled and yelled , " Are you serious ? ? Another one ? ! " Volodya looked upset and said , much like a five year old , " But it 's my holiday ! " It was all very funny . In Russia , people have one pair of house clothes that they wear when they 're at home . I wear my Lehigh sweatpants , and today Volodya tried to read them . He knew the " L " sound in English , but got confused at the " H " because the " H " is also the Russian letter for the " N " sound . So he read the " LE " in English , but the " H " in Russian , and suddenly his eyes lit up , and he gleefully shouted " LENIN ! ! " So now he thinks that my sweatpants say " Lenin " even though I 've tried to tell him that it 's not Lenin , it 's my university . Moscow is a very strange mix of Western and Russian styles . It did not feel like a real Russian city because there were too many foreigners , too many people who spoke English , and too many American things . The people who spoke English refused to speak Russian with us . People in Moscow were also generally much ruder than the people in Vladimir . Vladimir is very authentically Russian because it is hundreds upon hundreds of years old , and it is a smaller city . Very few people in Vladimir speak English well , and next to none of them have met a native English speaker . Russian culture is also much more prevelant in Vlad . It is not easy to find anything here that is remotely American . The people in the Moscow group also said that they felt their host families were more in it for the money than because they wanted to get to know the students . All of the host families in Vladimir absolutely adore us , and are very interested about our lives in America . I also noticed how much Russian I get from living with a host family . Even though I only lived in the Moscow dorm for a couple days , I noticed that I seldom spoke Russian in Moscow . With a host family , I am forced to speak Russian everyday outside of class , and I can tell that it really helps my ability with the language . I also have to speak Russian in Vladimir if I want to buy something or need to inquire about something because people only speak Russian here . In Moscow , people will switch to English the second they realize you 're American ( which is almost always the second they look at you ) . Moscow was definitely a beautiful city and I had a really good time there , but I am really glad that I am in Vladimir . I highly recommend going to a smaller city in Russia is you want a full immersion . I realized on Monday morning that somehow I had been elected Team Leader of Group Garden of Stalin . Drew said he couldn 't go because he was sick , but that he would meet up with us when we went to the Bulgakov Museum later . So I lead Erin , Jeff , and Emily through the metro and towards where the map said the Garden was . Because we were in Russia , and nothing is easy in Russia , the garden was not there . There was also a mild blizzard outside . So we tromped around in the snow for a little bit trying to find it before we finally decided to find a babushka to ask . All too late we realized we didn 't know what the Garden was called in Russian , so we asked the first lady we found where the " really big , old statues " were . She rudely pretended that she couldn 't understand our Russian , and walked away . The second old lady was much nicer , and seemed to understand kind of what we were talking about . She asked us if we could understand Russian well , and when we said yes , she gave us directions . After we went across the street , the enormous statue of Peter the Great came into view . Jeff said , " Oh great , that 's what the lady probably thought we were talking about . Now she thinks we 're morons because who could possibly miss that statue . " However , we decided to cross the bridge anyway to go explore Gorky Park ( an amusement park with ice skating in the winter ) since the Statue Garden seemed to not exist . When we were across the bridge , we saw what looked like a bunch of statues in the distance , which of course turned out to be the Garden of Fallen Heroes ( we think ) . It was very far away from where the stupid map said it would be . We had to force our way through knee - deep snow to get into the park . We found a statue of a unicorn , and what we think was a bust of Stalin . We couldn 't be sure because there was just too much snow , and it was probably covering the sign . We all took pictures with who we hope was Stalin , and decided that it was too hard to continue through the snow towards the bigger statues in the distanUpon arriving at the Mayakovskaya metro station , we decided to get lunch at Coffee House ( the Moscow version of Starbucks ) . The waitress asked to see our ISIC cards ( international student cards ) so that we could get a discount . If by discount , she meant that she wasn 't going to ever bring Emily part of what she ordered , then yes . But I didn 't care because I ate the best chocolate muffin , and it was probably the best thing I 'd had in a long time ( other than the McDonalds ) . Drew met up with us right when we were finishing up lunch . I knew that we were on the same street as the museum , but we asked the waitress where it was just to be sure . She said that we were to turn left after leaving the restaurant , and it was close . After wandering up and down the street for twenty minutes we learned that " close to " actually meant " directly next to " the Coffee House . Of course . I really enjoyed the museum . There are two Bulgakov Museums right next to each other because they realized awhile ago that they had set up the first museum in the wrong apartment by accident . So they created a second one in the real apartment . We went to the first , incorrect museum because it was free and had a lot of artwork based on Bulgakov 's books . Bulgakov is a Russian gothic author , and he is most famous for his book Master and Margarita . I have never read any of his works , but now I really want to because I really love weird , gothic writing , and he is probably the weirdest of them all . We weren 't supposed to take pictures , but I got a bunch anyway because I 'm sneaky . We had time to kill before we needed to meet back at the dorms , so we went to Cinnabon , for one last taste of America . We sat there for an hour watched old nineties American music videos , and incredibly strange Russian ones . One of the videos was for a newer Backstreet Boys song , telling people to " take it to the danger zone . " We met back at the dorms , and then headed towards the train station to go back to lovely , cheap Vladimir . We took an express train this time , which was nice because it didn 't stop every ten seconds , and there were no frightening men sharpening knives in anyone 's face . Our car even had a TV in it , and they played a very weird American movie on it . I got back home and sat down to take off my boots , when suddenly I saw something creeping towards me out of the corner of my eye . It was a cat . Before I came to Russia , I got an email describing my host family , and it said they had a cat . Upon arriving in Vladimir I found out that there was no cat . I assumed something had happened to it , until now . I tried to ask Iya about it , but I didn 't understand everything she said , so I am still unsure . Apparently it IS their cat , but either their daughter was keeping it for awhile , or they 're keeping it for their daughter . I don 't know . Anyway the cat 's name is Zosya , and she is a very weird cat . I am convinced she is the devil because she has HUGE yellow eyes , and she likes to sit and stare at me . I woke up in the middle of the night the other night to find her sitting on my bed , staring at me . It was one of the creepiest things I have ever experienced . But otherwise , I like the cat ok , and she seems to like me . Today our whole group went to the Tretyakov Art Gallery ( I 'm sorry , I really don 't know how to spell that in English ) . It was the first time that I 've been exposed to Russian art , so it was all very new and fascinating for me . In the lobby of the museum we had to check our coats and put little plastic booties on our boots so that we wouldn 't get mud and snow all over the museum . It was especially funny to see women in four - inch heels walking around in these booties . A lot of the paintings were political portraits , which really aren 't my cup of tea , so I powered through those sections . Kelly and I seemed to go at the same pace through museums , so we were together the whole time , but the rest of the group branched off . I saw some very famous Russian paintings , which were interesting because they all involved Jesus , death , or exile to Siberia . My favorite painting was of a Russian princess who was trapped in a prison cell during a flood . Water was flooding into the cell , and she was standing up on her straw bed trying to get away from it . It must be horrible to know your death is inevitable . There was also an interesting painting of Ivan the terrible , cradling his dead son after he committed suicide . I really liked the Russian landscape paintings as well . There were at least eight paintings named " Rye , " and Kelly noticed that two of these were in the same room . The last part of the museum was all religious icon artwork . I wasn 't incredibly interested in that part either , but I did learn which Madonna and child pose was " Our Lady of Vladimir . " Kelly and I were the first ones to finish with the museum , but Joely and Sarah were not far behind us . We all wanted to go to the Nunnery , and were going to leave without waiting for anyone else , but I realized that Erin and I had checked our coats together , and I had the number . I couldn 't leave without her . Everyone else was nice enough to wait with me , even though we had to wait for an hour and a half because Erin and Jeff went through the museum very thouroughly . The Nunnery in Moscow is a very beautiful , historic place where men used to send their mothers , sisters , and / or wives if they quarreled with them . If a man tired of his wife and wanted a new one , he could also send the first wife to this Nunnery . When we got there , we all split up because we only had a little over an hour to walk around . It was very beautiful because there was a lot of snow , which made everything look very serene . The inside of the cathedral was gorgeous as well because it was filled with gold and chandeliers . I have pictures of everything up on facebook , so go look ! Right next to the Nunnery was a very famous graveyard where anyone who is anyone is buried . This was my favorite part of the day because I thought it was absolutely gorgeous . The weekend we went to Moscow had the most snow Moscow has gotten in years , and it made the graveyard very symbolic and quiet . I saw the graves of Chekov , Bulgakov , Yeltsin , Khruschev , Tolstoy , and Gorbachev 's wife . There were also many soviet - style statues on the graves , so it was interesting to look at the graves of people who aren 't famous as well . We went to dinner at Pancho Villa , the Mexican restaurant , which turned out to be quite an experience . We were immediately seated in " jail . " Each booth in our section was supposed to be a cell and had bars and everything . They had it that way because Pancho Villa was an outlaw , but any Mexican - American who saw it would probably be none too pleased . The waiter asked us if we wanted menus in English , Spanish , or Russian , so we said English . Of course , some of us got Spanish menus anyway because the people who worked there could not differenciate between the two languages . Erin , Sarah , and I could read Spanish , so we dealt with those . The Spanish menus said " Amigos " on them , whereas the English ones said " Gringos . " Sarah came back from the bathroom to inform us that the stalls played barnyard animal noises . Sure enough , the bathrooms were made to resemble a barn , and when you went into a stall , a sensor went off and began blasting cow , donkey , horse , duck , and cat noises . There was also an official sign in my stall that said ( in a terrible mix of sort - of Spanish , and sort - of English ) " Virginity causes cancer , get vaccinated today . " The food was very good , just like we hoped . I ordered a burrito without vegetables . The waiter gave me a really weird look when I told him without vegetables , and couldn 't understand why I would want that . This is yet another example of why Russia is the weirdest country in the world . Normally looking for regular vegetables is like trying to find a needle in a haystack , but when you finally find them , they 're ruining an otherwise perfectly good food . And , naturally , they can 't understand why you don 't want them there . But anyway , the food was very good once I finally got it , about twenty minutes after everyone else had gotten their food . Clearly , not putting vegetables in a burrito confused the kitchen . Although , Sarah didn 't get her food for a full forty minutes after most people had theirs . Right before we ordered dessert , a live band started playing . They played only Mexican style music , but they were under the impression that Mexican music was accompanied by frequent , very loud , and very long blasts of a whistle . Even though we listened to the band for forty - five minutes , we couldn 't stop laughing every time the man blew his whistle ( even though it happened every two minutes ) . It was by far the most bizarre restaurant I have ever been to . That night , in the dorm , we spent forever trying to find an interesting place or two that was not closed on a Monday . Many places in Russia are closed on Mondays , and many places , if they weren 't usually closed on a Monday , were closed for the holiday . Finally Erin , Jeff , Emily , Drew and I decided to go to the Garden of the Fallen Heroes , where all the old Soviet statues that had been torn down were displayed . |
They chose a theme - - a songwriter , or a producer or some other aspect of the musical stage and then chose songs related to that topic . One year , for example , they devoted the evening to songs of the Gershwins , another year to Frank Sinatra , another year to Hoagy Carmichael , etc . It was a fascinating evening where you heard more than you ever knew about the chosen topic and listened to a lot of familiar tunes , as well as learning some new ones . After Jim died , Walt took over as publicity person and so I 've been getting reports from him about what is happening with this year 's show . Peithman explained that he had the music picked out and was making plans for the show and the cast was raring to go . But his father , whom he wishes a happy birthday each year at the concert ( last year he celebrated his 101st birthday ) was becoming more frail and required more of Steve 's attention . After he had a nasty fall , Peithman was making more trips to Humoldt County to help and he began to realize that there was a very real possibility that he might have to bow out of the project unexpectedly . First , an observation I made last night while going to the couch to sleep . Each night when I come into the darkened room , Sheila immediately gets off the couch , where she has slept all day , and sleeps by my side on the floor . It occurs to me that the dog and I are sharing a bed . She uses it in the day , I use it at night . It 's our version of Cox and Box . That said , how was today at Logos ? I had a chat with Sandy about her upcoming trip to Viet Nam , Cambodia and , because they 'll be in the neighborhood anyway , Nepal , where they have friends and plan to go hiking . They 'll be gone 7 weeks and it sounds like an exhausting , but exciting trip . There was a guy with a Big Dog in the place when she left . The dog was a yellow pup , not sure the breed , but his name was Thunder and he was very friendly . We bonded . I chose a Ruth Rendell book to read while working today , since we had a large number of new ones to the store . I picked the shortest one . It is turning out to be another page turner and since I didn 't quite finish it , I brought it home to finish here and take back to Logos next week . A " rumpled couple " came in . I think mother and son . He was in baggy jeans and a narrow brimmed hat . She was in a saggy top , black pants and also wore a felt hat . She was looking for a specific female travel author ( which she did not find ) , but ultimately bought three very thick books , saying that she doesn 't like " Jane Austen - y " books . . . likes something with more heft . We talked about travel books by women and I told her about the book I 'd read about the woman who traveled across China on public transportation . A guy wearing a River Cats shirt ( the River Cats are the Sacramento minor league baseball team ) bought two books on atoms and molecules . He paid , but then kept standing there like he expected me to do something else . Maybe he thought I 'd give him a bag ( which we no longer do ) . He finally picked up his books and left . A tall , thin woman in a long striped dress made of some soft , filmy material , boots that disappeared under her dress , and a knit white tam - o - shanter on her head was looking for " Reconnections , " a book about healing yourself and others by Eric Pearl . I directed her to the self help section , but she didn 't find it and said " thank you " as she was leaving , but then returned with a bargain book by David Attenborough . She was very sad when I told her he died this past year . A guy with sideburns down to his chin , and a biker bag slung across his shoulders browsed through the literature section , but left without buying anything . Nor did the guy who came in carrying a foil - wrapped burrito from the local Chipotle . And " my friend , " who arrived at 4 : 25 couldn 't find anything he wanted either today . A stooped older woman brought a heavy bag of Poetry magazines to donate . Then she browsed for awhile and finally purchased a copy of " Beowulf . " She said she had never read it and that " it 's about time I got educated . " A young woman with dyed reddish hair was looking for a young adult book whose name she couldn 't remember by an author she couldn 't remember , but knew that her daughter had " axed " for it . She looked , but didn 't find it . She then gave me a very long history of her book collection , her book cases , and the books she had read . But though it was a laid back day , it was still productive . I managed to answer thirteen letters from Compassion children which had been waiting to be answered , some for over a month . Some of these were letters that accumulated while I was in Iowa . It 's not that I hadn 't written to the children , but I just hadn 't answered their letters . Compassion has this neat deal where you can send the kids e - mail using their on - line tool . There are several different types of stationery you can choose and you can add up to 3 photographs . Write your letter on line and send it off . But the neat thing about the on - line tool is that you can then duplicate the letter for another child . Obviously when I am answering a letter , I don 't duplicate , but about once a month I write a generic letter to a child and then duplicate it for the next child , just changing the names . It makes it possible for me to write frequently to all of the kids on my list . . . if I had to write 19 individual letters , I would never get them written and sent as often as I do now . When I finished the letters , I took a long nap and was so deeply asleep I didn 't hear Walt leave for his meeting and was just barely awake when Jeri called . She always calls on the birthdays . It was good to check in on the snow conditions in Boston . They have been shoveling for days . I love it that Walt loves his phone so much . It makes me feel less guilty when I whip my own phone out at a restaurant . And to think , it wasn 't that long ago that I looked at people looking like us and scoffed that they were having a meal together , but both were on their cell phones . Now I understand . My mother has had her hair cut , and got a perm today . She has been looking long and shaggy , like an old lady in a rest home , and I was surprised to read in one of my old entries that almost exactly a year ago , I was making the same complaint . I have been pushing her to get her hair cut and she keeps " thinking about it " while the hair grows longer and stringier . I finally realized that this is something else she is incapable of doing . The idea of ( a ) remembering the hairdresser , ( b ) finding the phone number , and ( c ) making the call was completely beyond her ability , so I made an appointment for her last week . This morning she called in a panic . " Someone " had called her - - she didn 't know who - - to ask her about something - - she didn 't remember what - - and could I return the call and take care of it for her . I figured it was beautician Lucy calling to remind her about her appointment , and it was . She wanted to make it earlier , so I went to Atria for lunch and then took her upstairs to the salon . I realized again that this trip upstairs to find the salon is This wasn 't a bad memory day , it was a terrible memory day . She couldn 't remember anything , and even when we got home from the salon , it took her a few minutes to recognize her own apartment , but then she noticed familiar things and " guessed " it was her place . I think " having something to do " just completely threw her for a loop . and that was what I was expecting to see when I picked her up . I spent the 2 hours she was at the salon in her apartment and when I got to Lucy 's , my mother was sitting in a chair , bent over , with her head in her hands . I 'm not sure why , whether it was fear that I wouldn 't come to get her ( which it may well have been ) , or if she had looked at herself in the mirror . She looks better , that 's for sure , but she looks like she got her finger stuck in an electric socket . . . or like an old lady in a rest home that just had a bad perm . If it had been me I would have been very upset , but she seems OK with it . . . and if she can 't recognize her own apartment , it 's probably a good thing she can 't really see how bad her hair looks . For this she paid $ 75 . She wuz robbed ! The day got worse . I left Atria and went to the post office to mail a package . When I was standing in line , I got a text from Jeri and I pulled out my phone and answered it . Then I mailed the package , got into the car and half a block from the post office , I realized my cell phone wasn 't in my pocket . I pulled over to check my purse to make sure it was there - - and it wasn 't in the slot for the phone . I tore the purse apart and it just wasn 't there . I checked the floor of the car , then I turned around and went back to the post office . It wasn 't on the desk by where I had texted Jeri and the clerk said that I had not left it at her window . Where was it ? ? ? I tore the purse apart again , but no phone . I hoped some kind soul picked it up and was going to try to call me . I got home , confessed to Walt that I had lost it , and called the phone . Nobody answered . I was in a total panic and felt I couldn 't do anything right because it seemed that everything I touched fell apart and I didn 't want to have to buy a new phone when we will be paying for a new computer soon and when my laptop needs work too ( but that will wait until later in the year ) . I found this video the other day . ( I tried to embed it but for some reason that didn 't work , though it should have . ) If you don 't want to go to YouTube and watch the video yourself , it 's a video of David , Jeri and Paul , sitting on the couch ( holding pictures of Tom and Ned , who couldn 't be there ) and singing " My Favorite Things " with lyrics I rewrote to commemorate I had all sorts of mixed feelings watching it . I thought I would be emotional and yeah , emotions welled up . But one thing that struck me very forcibly was something I said to David shortly before he died . But as I watched this video , I realized that maybe it wasn 't so bad after all . Here they were , alive again , singing together with Jeri . The video made me smile and though I wish to heck they were here , the videos are a comfort because for a few minutes , they are back , alive , whole and the family is all together again . We 're coming up on Birthday Time . Paul 's birthday is tomorrow and David 's is a week later . Paul would have been 46 and David 43 . They are permanently stuck at 30 and 24 . I look at Ned 's grey hair - - actually he 's getting white hair . He has more than I do . And I see the look of a middle aged man . I wonder what his brothers would look like at 46 and 43 . Paul was planning to move to L . A . with his wife and become a movie star . What would he be doing now ? Waiting tables ? Working in the post office ? Or would he be one of that small percent that actually work in the business ? We 'll never know . I feel cheated because I always wanted to watch him win his Oscar and stand there and thank his mom for all her support . And David . He was in the process of getting his life together . He had tried Sacramento City College and Chico State and gave up . After a period of working bagging groceries , he was talking about moving to Santa Cruz and going to school there . He still hadn 't figured out what he wanted to be when he grew up . But what a mind that kid had . If he found the right path , he could have done anything . After so many years ( 19 and 16 ) , the birthdays and the anniversaries aren 't as wrenching as they were in the beginning . You never " get over " the death of a child and you do , as people wanting to say something comforting after they died , " remember them " ( as if you could forget ! ) . You are forever changed . They become a part of the person you are now and you go on about your business . You don 't wear sack cloth and ashes forever , you don 't shut the curtains and assume the fetal position for the rest of your life , but you laugh and have good times and bad times while a piece of your brain includes them in all family activities , though you don 't really talk about them much . We 'll probably go out for sushi on Paul 's birthday . We 've been doing that for 16 years now . Who knows what we 'll do on Dave 's , but we 'll raise a glass of wine . . . or water . . . or whatever and toast them . I 'm doing it slowly . For example , I still have a stack of letters from the Compassion kids that arrived when I was in Iowa that I haven 't answered . I 'm taking time to answer them now , as I come to them . Only my printer isn 't hooked up right now ( because I 've lost the install disk ) so I can 't print them , so each letter has to be hand written , which takes at least twice as long . Ever since I was a kid , I made mountains of stuff on flat surfaces and on those rare occasions when the Aquarius in me kicked in and I decided to clean ( Aquarians can go years without " seeing " clutter and then suddenly one day they have to get it all organized ) my way of organizing is to take it layer by layer , occasionally doing carbon dating along the way , tossing out the stuff I no longer need and then separating what 's left into piles . Essentially , I break the mountain into mole hills , toss out a little bit , and stash the mole hills in other places . And then when it is all finished , I start putting the mole hills back on the desk and have the base for a new mountain . For example , the pile on the left of the desk is stuff I plan to use in decorating a couple of journals I 'm working on . The stuff on the right side is stuff I haven 't dealt with ( like the rest of the Compassion letters ) . The stuff piled on my computer is stuff that I need to keep and need to find somewhere to put . Out of sight to the right of my computer is more stuff that needs to be filed away somewhere , as soon as I can figure out where to store it . I keep telling myself that if I had a bigger office with more shelves I could organize better , and I probably could . Over the years , I have brought in various cupboards with drawers to put stuff into . And that works , briefly , until more stuff comes in to take the place of the stuff I moved into the drawers . But this is a TINY room and I 've run out of places to store the cupboards and shelves . And besides , eventually they get covered up with more stuff . I am feeling like my mother these days , as I wade through " all this crap " and wonder what in God 's name I am going to do with it all and how I can ever get rid of enough to make this a neat and tidy office . Well , I have taken the first steps in making good on a promise I made a year ago . I signed up to become a " shavee " at the St . Baldrick 's fund raiser for children 's cancer research on March 12 , losing my grey locks and going bald . Ned and I will do a mother - son shaving . It is too early to start asking for contributions , but sometime next month I will post a link to my page and beg readers to contribute something . . . anything . . . to help me meet my $ 500 goal . Nacianne , Thank you for being a hero to kids with cancer ! My son will be celebrating his 12th year of being cancer - free this March . He first fought cancer at 10 months , and then again just after his 4th birthday . Each time you shave your head , you are not just funding childhood cancer research , you are also sending out a message of hope to families like ours . You are amazing and I thank you from the bottom of my heart ! I chose two kids to honor in doing this , both children who have died of the disease . One is a girl named Caroline , who died less than a year after her diagnosis . I chose her in honor of Peach ( Carolyn ) and her fight with breast cancer . Of course my mother says she wants to know how long my hair will take to grow out because she doesn 't want to see me bald and she certainly doesn 't want to be seen in public with me . Well . Whatever . That 's her decision , but I kinda hoped she 'd be proud of me for doing something to help children with cancer , but apparently appearances are more important than curing cancer . ' Twas ever thus with her , I fear . I used to be an excellent parker . I could parallel park on a steep San Francisco hill , between two cars , driving a stick shift . Lately I can 't park for love or money . When I parked here , there were no cars ahead of me , no cars behind me and it took me three tries to get it parked this close to the sidewalk . When I bought this laptop , Vista had just come out and I knew of the problems with that operating system and wanted to stick with XP . Fry 's found one reconditioned Toshiba that still had XP and I bought that . I have been very happy with it all these years . But the machine is old and riddled with viruses . It regularly gives me error messages saying that a certain script has stopped working and giving me the option of letting it continue to try to run , debugging the script or stopping the script . I have found that the only option it will actually let me use is stopping the script , so I do that . But when I 'm dealing with that , the machine is locked up for 5 minutes or so . Many times throughout the day . When I got up and got the computer started , it immediately got the script error message . I was able to click on " stop script " and timed it . It took fifteen minutes before the screen finally shut down . But the computer needs to yawn and stretch and scratch and I don 't know whatever computers do when they are waking up . And then about 10 or 15 or 20 minutes into my attempts to coddle it to please give me this screen , it starts to come to life . It will give me the screen I 'm trying to use , but it won 't let me use it . It just sits there taunting me with a cursor that won 't move and a program waiting for me , silently . But it 's amazing about fog . It does burn off as the sun gets higher . When I got to Debbie 's office , we sat there with the fog so thick you could barely see the next building , and by the end of the hour , it was clear as a bell , the sun was shining brightly , the sky was a beautiful blue and you 'd hardly know there had been any fog at all . I just love theater people . My favorite thing to do is to sit down and have a conversation with people who speak the same language . Not to say that I don 't enjoy other conversations , but a conversation with someone who understand what you feel about theater and who knows most of the same people you do is very special ( and very rare ) . In those days , The Davis Enterprise had a special " Spotlight " section each Thursday , where we could do big splashy feature stories with lots of pictures . I would visit the set , interview lots of people , transcribe the interviews and then write the story . I usually did a second visit , attending a rehearsal to get a feel for the upcoming production . We sat and chatted for over an hour ( my previous meetings are usually 30 or so minutes ) and I look forward to working with her this year . She gave me great information about the upcoming shows and suggestions for interviews . I now do phone interviews where I can transcribe as I talk to the subjects . I don 't get the same feel for a show or my subjects as I do face to face , but I don 't have to do the extra transcription afterwards either ( how glad I am to be a fast typist and an experienced transcriptionist ! ) I 'm excited about my upcoming feature story because my interview subjects seem to be fascinating , highly accomplished people and I think talking with them is going to be fun . We saw a wonderful show at the B Street Theater in Sacramento last night . It was an original one - man show , commissioned by the theater , by playwright , writer Jack Gallagher . It was a great show , but one part of it shocked me . Well , this wasn 't the first time I 've been shocked me about this . When we went to Uncle Herb 's memorial the other day , I was also shocked . At the memorial , the congregation all joined in singing " Amazing Grace . " Last night the audience was invited to join in the singing of " Danny Boy . " I seem to have become the victim of " use it or lose it . " I have literally no voice . Or literally very little voice . I can barely hit an octave . My lowest note is middle - C and if I try to go lower than that I get a croaky version of middle C , but I can 't hit a note lower than that . I can barely get to C above middle C , but can 't sustain a note that goes higher than 3 notes above C . I also can 't seem to hit the notes that I am trying to hit . I know the tune and when I try to sing it , the notes I come out with are off key . I never really understood how someone could hear a note and not be able to recreate it . . . now I do . She says it 's probably due to dry mouth . Who knew I had dry mouth ? That goes along with old age , diabetes , medications and I don 't remember what else , but I hit the trifecta . At least it 's only my teeth which are dissolving . Some days when I visit my mother ( like today ) , I get the feeling she 's dissolving slowly in front of me . These days when she says " I 'm getting old , Bev , " she really looks it . But at least she still has all her teeth . I know that the bonding process will be exciting and frustrating . But when I 've finally bonded , I suspect I will be very happy . Oh heck , I know I 'll be very happy . I finally got out of my chair of sick today and went to visit my mother . I hadn 't seen her since our lunch on Monday , though I had called her every day . We didn 't have much to say to each other . All she wanted to know was what I had been doing that was exciting , and all I could tell her was that I had been sitting in a chair with stomach cramps for 3 days . Many , many times . Walt and I were going to a memorial service at 1 . It was for Uncle Herb , whom I barely knew , but he was Marta 's step - uncle and we went to the memorial to honor him and support the family . We had been to holiday dinners that Herb attended but I don 't think I ever spoke to him - - we were always in different parts of the table . So imagine my surprise to learn that he was an author ( Herbert Hocking ) who had lived for many years in Perth , Australia and had written several books set in and around Perth and other parts of Western Australia . Ned didn 't know that either . Had someone told me , we might have talked about Australia . Instead , I 'm going to read one of his books and see how they are . Stone Soup here in Davis . It was a lovely spread but none of it looked good to me . I took a few things , ate a couple , and gave the rest to Walt . My stomach just wasn 't in a mood to eat anything . . . and that is saying something for someone who spends all of her time at things like this hanging around the buffet table trying to sneak seconds , thirds , and fourths without anybody noticing that the fat lady is hovering . The Buckhorn in Winters . It 's a real old fashioned meat and potatoes place , where you get huge slabs of meat and sit under the heads of animals who gave their lives so someone could slap them up on a wall ( I hate that part , but the food is amazing ) . We almost never go there unless we are with a group , and I had been looking forward to it . But given the way my stomach reacted to the reception food , I decided it would be a waste of money for me to go there , so I sent Walt on with Ned and Marta and I stayed home . Probably a good idea . Walt brought home some of his prime rib and garlic mashed potatoes for me and I did finish them , but it took me all evening before I could get them down . As for me , I rented Boyhood and watched it ( love Amazon ! ) . Good movie , but the part that really got me was toward the end when Mom looks at her son as he is headed off to college and says , reflecting back over his life , " I thought there would be more . " No parent who has watched their child grow into adulthood can fail to identify and be moved by that sentiment ! I saw Liam Neeson in an interview the other day . They asked him how old he felt ( he 's 62 ) . He said he didn 't see himself doing action films any more , but he really feels about 37 . I read a long time ago that when you ask the older generation how old they feel , it is generally somewhere in the 30s . I wonder why that is . Do we peak in our 30s and continue to fondly remember those days ? My body tells me different , of course . My knees are shot , my back is shot , I need hearing aids and a refill of my glasses prescription , my brain doesn 't respond as quickly as I would like and memory lapses , in light of my mother 's dementia , worry me . But still , I will turn 72 in a month and there is no way that I feel 72 . There seems to be a HUGE market in anti - aging creams , pills , and surgical procedures . I never understood that . I 'm 72 . I want to be treated like I 'm 72 . I earned the respect given to a person my age . I don 't want people to look at me , see this unnaturally young face and assume that I can do things that younger people do , which not only can I not do , but which I have no interest in doing . Age is such a strange thing . I don 't understand why people are embarrassed to be a certain age . My grandmother went so far as going to the big old fashioned family bible and changing the year of her birth . I still don 't know exactly how old she was when she died . Besides , the longer you live the more memories you have . Someone from The Lamplighters posted a great picture yesterday . It 's from 1995 and it 's when the entire company packed up a show and took it to the 2nd annual Gilbert & Sullivan festival in Buxton , England . What a wonderful trip that was . One of the reasons I 'm sorry the Lamplighters book 3 never got written is because this story is now untold . We brought my mother . She had never experienced theater at all , really , and at this intensity , it was quite an experience for her - - two G & S shows a day for the length of the festival . Around 11 a . m . , I really didn 't want to go to Logos . And I really did want to get something stronger than pancakes to help with my problem . So Susan agreed to work for me , I went to the store and brought home something by Phillips , took a couple of pills , climbed into the recliner and buried myself in a book , waiting for my mild pains to pass . Literally . Chalmers was a young man in 2006 when he first encountered Compassion . As so many of us did , he was drawn to the picture of a specific child in Columbia and he decided to sponsor her . Also as it seems to happen , once he had one , he started sponsoring more . He finally decided he wanted to sponsor a child in every country where Compassion worked and ended up with 31 sponsored children in 12 different countries ( at then - $ 32 per child , this is no small investment ) . But more than showing me how Compassion operates around the world , it strengthened my conviction that going to visit my sponsored children would not be something that would work for me . Just the paragraph about walking 2 miles in one direction ( in extreme heat ) to see the child 's project and then back again and another mile to go somewhere else killed it for me . I would not be able to keep up . He also had wonderful interactions with some of his sponsored children and is very honest about the disappointing interactions with others . He admits to being very shy and awkward in social situations . But he had two things going for him . He was a music teacher and plays the drum and when he couldn 't communicate with the children , he could get their attention with music . . . and also he took an " footy " ( the ball used to play Australian rules football ) and got games started with the kids wherever he went . It went far to break down some ( but not all ) of the barriers with the quieter kids . There are times when I swear my mother 's condition is contagious , and I have caught it . Yesterday was one of those days . She is forever telling me that she feels like things are wrong , that she should be doing something , but she can 't remember what . I felt that way yesterday . It 's impossible to describe exactly what it felt like , but all I know is that I understood for the first time what my mother must be feeling . But my brain just didn 't kick into gear most of the day . First I had to solve a banking problem . I got my Visa bill and it showed that I had not paid last month 's bill . That seemed impossible . I always pay the bill in full . How could I have not ? I knew I had paid the bill because when I deposited a check a couple of days before , I only had about $ 300 in my account , which is what I should have had at the end of the month before my Social Security check is deposited . If I had not paid my bill , I should have had a lot more . I started trying to figure it out . This is the kind of thing that I am not very good at , but as I started checking my bank statement on line , I realized that there is no way I could have paid the bill because I am now using the laptop and didn 't have the passwords to get into the account and had to talk with someone at the bank to get my log - in information . If I had paid the bill last month , I would have already set all of this up . OK . so I didn 't pay the bill . . . but where was the money I should have had ? It took a long time , but I finally figured it out . I had deposited a check into my checking account at the end of the year and then took a portion of that check and transferred it into my savings account . The transfer showed , but the deposit did not . What happened to the money ? After a long , frustrating time , I finally checked my savings account and it turned out I had deposited it into that account . . . and then transferred money from my checking account into my savings account , leaving very little in the checking account . In the afternoon , I went to the store to do some shopping . " Just a couple of things . " First I had a check to deposit and in using the ATM machine managed to indicate that I wanted the transaction to be conducted in Spanish . I got my " couple " of things and checked out . When Walt and I were first married , I remember I had $ 20 a week for household expenses . I could fill up four bags of groceries for that amount . Today , 4 bags of groceries came to over $ 150 . Good thing I wasn 't doing a " big " shopping . I had just readjusted my position on the couch and was settling in to go back to sleep when I heard the phone ring . My eyes popped open and I was instantly awake . Those middle of the night calls are never good . Nobody ever calls to tell you that you 've won a million dollars or that your kid just got into Harvard . But he didn 't seem to becoming downstairs . I finally got up . It was 2 : 15 a . m . and the TV was on , so the voice I heard had come from Frasier , not from Walt . Still not convinced , I checked the caller ID and saw that the last incoming phone call had been the previous afternoon . So it was all in my imagination anyway , but by now I was wide awake and couldn 't get back to sleep . We did have a death of sorts yesterday . Well I did . My beloved bread maker seems to have died . Or it 's sounding the death rattle . It has stopped mixing the ingredients without help from me , which makes it as good as useles . It has given me decades of wonderful service and I feel the death keenly , but I 've been window shopping on Amazon to see what is available now . Mine was a heavy duty , expensive Zojirushi and I loved it . But I don 't make bread as often as I used to so a cheaper model will do fine . And yes , I could go back to making bread by hand , but I probably won 't , so a new machine is in the offing . I 'm also in an adjustment period . I have re - started my diabetes medicines again , after a long time not taking them . In fact , one of the reasons I started seeing therapist Debbie was to figure out why I was so resistant to taking them . There is a breaking in period , I remember now , for these meds . Whenever I start them it seems to me that it takes a couple of weeks before the nausea goes away . This has been one of the reasons I have stopped taking them in the past . I 've talked with the doctor and I know that this is a temporary thing . It 's just a question of getting through it . Nausea can be a good thing . When you have nausea , the last thing you want is food . I made 2 pieces of toast for breakfast yesterday and gave one to the dogs . I don 't think I had lunch , but did have a couple of oranges in the middle of the day . And I really liked the turkey soup I made for dinner , but I could only finish half a bowl . Polly and I were sitting in front of the TV tonight when something that looked at first like a huge moth flew by my head . I did the logical thing and ducked , but Lizzie was going crazy going outside and looking up and barking and then inside and looking up and barking . I don 't know if I saw a large moth or not , but what flew in next was unmistakable . Finally Walt was able to use the towel when it was on the chain to the kitchen light . He didn 't catch it , but scared it and it flew down and stood on the ground just inside the door . Polly jumped at it , it flew away , and we closed the door . But it was a bit of excitement to liven up the evening ! It topped off a full day which started with a dental appointment . This appointment had been postponed several times and the next available appointment wouldn 't be until February , so they promised me they would have me out by 10 a . m . , so my mother and I could get to San Rafael for the next lunch with her friends . We got to Arriverderci restaurant early . This was the place where we celebrated my mother 's birthday back in September , though then we were outside in the sun . No outside on this cool day . The lunch was for Paula 's birthday . She was turning 91 . I had bought a card for my mother and me to sign but she never did get it straight who was having a birthday and wished Jeff a happy birthday several times . We were both tired on the way home . I was fighting sleep , so pulled off in a parking lot and put on a playlist of music I had made when we took my mother on a long drive to visit her family home many years ago . It 's all music of the 40s and 50s , and by golly she sang all the words to all the songs . . . some things she remembers ! This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am ! |
We 're all standing around , talking , eating , mindlessly eating and drinking coffee . The day is blustery October : glimpses of blue sky between furious clouds , breezy , chilly . When the balloons come - twenty - four of them , red , white , and blue - my mother calls everyone together : friends , relatives , us . We go outside to the front yard , a vast green space . The ground is , thankfully , not wet . The air is crisp . The wind grabs at our clothes , stings our cheeks . We each take a balloon . I 'm worried that someone will let go too soon , but nobody does . We stand in a big circle , twenty - four of us . My mother instructs us . " One , two , three , " she says , and we all whistle , two tones , and release our balloons . They go up quick , then dance around for a moment , as if unsure of where to go . Then the wind catches them , and all twenty - four go off together in the same direction , toward town , up and away . We watch as they recede . It 's over . Sunday , October 1 Ever since I got the call on Thursday , I 've been thinking about what today will be like . I 'm driving home to Ogdensburg to help my father write his obituary . What a strange assignment . What a difficult assignment . I 'm driving alone - I wanted this chance to be alone with him , at least a little while . Next week all the siblings will come - this is my chance to have him to myself , one last time . The drive , three hours , is unmemorable . My mind is not on the road . Then I am home . My brother Brian is still there ; he and my father are working on the transceiver . The transceiver is this kit radio my dad has been working on pretty much ever since he found out his cancer 'd come back , back in the spring . It 's finished now . It 's a miracle he finished it , not so much because of the cancer but just because it 's this tiny unit with tiny parts , really small , and he had to solder hundreds of little pieces into hundreds of tiny spots . As a surgeon , he has always had a steady hand , a good eye . But now his eyes are not as good and his hands much less steady . Still , he 's kept at it . Since he can 't make it up to the attic anymore to work on it , Brian has brought it down to the breakfast table in the den , along with the necessary testing equipment . They sit together and test it for quite some time . I watch from my spot on the loveseat , talking to my mom , who is in the kitchen across from me . This is the main gathering place for family , in this house of many gathering places . When Brian declares that the unit " tests out , " he gets ready to leave , and I get ready to take over . Daddy tells me that he 's printed out something he calls his " CV . " While he takes a nap in his recliner in the living room , I go upstairs to look for it . I find it lying on the desk in the bedroom . Right now he 's still sleeping nights up here , despite the struggle to climb the stairs . I sit down at the bedroom computer , which is on a classy old oak desk . For comfort , I pull open the drawer and set the keyboard on it . Then I go to work . The " ceevee , " as he spells it , is essentially an outline of his life , in paragraph form , starting at the beginning and working forward . It 's not very detailed , but more detailed than anything I 've ever read about him before , or heard from him . Oh , I 've heard stories , but I never got the real facts , you know ? I look for the file on the computer and , when I find it , I discover that it was last updated ten years ago , 1996 - around the time he first got prostate cancer . Not much has changed since then , except the addition of grandchildren and great - grandchildren . So I get down to work . The hardest thing is to figure out how to say the first line . How to say he " died , " when he is still alive downstairs and is going to read this when I have a draft ready . I play with a few options , not committing any of them to paper . In the end I choose " passed into the next life . " I don 't believe in the afterlife - I 'm not a religious person that way - but I do like to believe that when someone or something dies , its spirit , or life essence , or something like that , remains in the universe . Isn 't there a law of physics along those lines ? About matter being constant ? I don 't know . I 'm not a scientist . I do know that at the moment a child is conceived , something begins to exist that never existed before - something that I hope continues to exist beyond death . But as the child before conception does not exist , so too , perhaps , after death . We have no way of knowing . In any case , those are the words I choose . The story writes itself easily . I rearrange the elements of his life into topics , as is traditional with obituaries : a paragraph of survivors and " nonsurvivors " tells the reader about his family life ; five paragraphs cover his education and career and hobbies . A final paragraph tries to show what he meant to different people : When I have a draft , I take it downstairs . Daddy is still in his chair . His cat , Betty , is on his lap . She is definitely his cat - she barely lets anyone else touch her . Some people , like Brian , can 't approach without her arching and hissing . Sometimes I can pet her a few times before she hisses at me . So be it . She 's made her commitment to Daddy . He takes a look at the draft . He points out a few things . He doesn 't like being a " junior , " even though he was named after his father - he wants that cut , just " Hugh A . Inness - Brown , MD , " please . His first - born son , my half - brother , likes to be called Allen , even though his name is Hugh Alwyn , like my father 's , making him a III . He seems kind of proud of this . I notice , from the date he gives for enlisting in the service , that he was twenty years old then . " Why did you join up ? " I say . " Because of the war ? " It was 1942 . I watch him as he reads the rest of the draft . He proclaims that I did a good job . I try to feel gratified by this , but I know how hard it must be for him . He doesn 't want to die . He really enjoys life , even now . But then I guess the hardest thing must be knowing your time is short , while not really being able to enjoy it much . He can 't eat . He doesn 't sleep well . There 's quite a lot of pain . Over the next twenty - four hours , I make revisions , showing it to my sister , my mother , my niece and nephew - everyone who comes over . At their suggestion , I add a few things . Daddy looks at it again , and he approves it . Then I go home . I have to teach the next day . " Goodbye , Daddy , " I say . " Duty calls . " He gives me a smile , and we exchange a hug and kiss and say I love you . This morning my plan was to spend the morning urethaning the new windows we just installed upstairs ; I wanted to rehang the curtains in my eight - year - old 's room and the bathroom . Then I was going to pack , and this afternoon , after Michael 's school let out , we would drive to my parents ' house . That all changes when my mother calls , around eight , and tells me to come right over . " I don 't know how much longer he 'll last … , " she says . I call my husband , who 's working in his office over the garage , and tell him the change of plans . Then I run around the house , getting together clothes and things for the trip . I leave behind my " funeral clothes " ; I leave behind my work . Do I do that on purpose ? I don 't think so . It 's just hard to know what to think , what to do - I 'm in a hurry . Again , the drive is unmemorable . The main difference this time is that I have Keith and Michael in the car with me . Keith drives , which leaves me free to cry at will . I try not to cry too much in front of Michael ; I know it upsets him . I 'd told Michael about Daddy - Grampa - the night I got the call that they were not going to do the procedure , the kidney stent that might have kept him alive for another month or more . The doctor had advised him not to , saying that it would be very painful and he would have to be kept heavily medicated - not much quality of life . But it was my father 's decision . As a doctor , my father knew what the future held , and he decided to face it directly . When my mother called to tell me the news , I couldn 't help but cry ; then Daddy got on the phone , and the two of us were crying so hard that few words got exchanged . I 'll come help you write your obituary , I said , and he said , I would appreciate that . That was all . We had just hung up when Michael came into the room and saw me crying . " What happened ? " he said , and I could see the alarm in his little face . I put my arms out for him and hugged him . " Nothing , " I said , and then I told him that Grampa was dying . I told him a little about why ; then I shifted the topic to Grampa when he was younger . " Did you know Grampa used to race cars and motorcycles ? " His eyes got wide . " He did ? " And I told him a little about that . When we arrive , it 's quite a scene . My parents live in the country , and their well has just failed . A new one is being dug , right next to the house , right off the corner of the living room . Huge machinery , very loud , lots of steam and dust and mud . A rhythmic thumping sound as the drill digs down . Inside the house are my four siblings from California , from my father 's first marriage . Tauri , obese yet beautiful , with her glowing face and long , streaming , wavy , gray - streaked hair ; Lee , also very large , dark - haired , like a fatter version of my father when young ; Ginny , petite , with long , straight red hair - she must take after her mother ; and Allen , the oldest , still pretty handsome , still apparently in pretty fair shape , although the rough life he 's led shows in the lines in his face . Allen looks most like Daddy . He 's sixty - two , ten years older than I . Brian , my half - brother , the baby , out of Daddy 's third marriage , is also there , having come from Saratoga yesterday for a job interview this morning . My sister Resy - petite , dark - haired , pretty - is there too , doing the cooking and cleaning that my stepmother no longer has time or thought for . So seven of the eight siblings have gathered in vigil over my father . The only one missing is my brother John , a lawyer , who lives in Colorado ; he 's juggling a lot of work right now , and is trying to time his visit just right , so that he can see Daddy before the end but also stay through the funeral . Daddy is in the downstairs bedroom now . He can 't move much . He 's in a lot of pain . It 's amazing how fast he 's gone downhill . I guess what they say is true : Once your kidneys go , you go . The cancer that had begun to impinge on his kidney function last week has pretty much marched on without abatement . The doctor had predicted two or three weeks ; it 's only been one . Every time I see Daddy , every time I talk to him , I cry . I think I 'm the worst about this . I can 't stop . I know it hurts him to see me cry , but I can 't stop . This is the hardest thing . The hardest thing in life , and certainly in my life so far : watching someone die . Watching my father die in such pain , and so reluctantly . He spends most of his time in bed . In this little room , where my mother 's mother spent her final years , the bed is next to the window . This is good , because sometimes my father is hot and we need to open the window and let in some fresh air . We talk about what a nice day it is , outside , and how lucky he is not to be in the living room today , where the noise from the well - drilling makes ordinary conversation almost impossible . People take turns coming in to be with him , but this is made awkward by the room itself ; we bring in chairs , but if you sit , you can 't get close to the bed , so you 're not so much with him as you are watching him . I don 't do much of that . Instead , I spend my time with the siblings from California . Tauri has been coming east to see us regularly for about ten years . At first , we resented her - we couldn 't figure out why , after so many years without my father , she wanted him in her life again . Also , she seemed pretty flaky , full of all kinds of New Age ideas about nutrition , paranoid about the government , stuff like that . Now , of course , that all seems pretty standard to me , she 's been right about a lot of it , and I like her , although I still find her manner of asking you to repeat yourself all the time a little irritating . And of course , now I understand why she wanted Daddy back in her life - and in her children 's , and her grandchild 's . So Tauri and I catch up , here and there , talking . Then I spend a long time , in the living room , on the couch , with the well - drilling going on in the background , with Ginny . Ginny 's the only one I 've never met before . She 's about 60 , I guess , or 61 - second oldest . Her long hair is red without a bit of gray ; it looks natural , but there 's no way it can be . Or is there ? She 's supposedly something of a magician with herbal remedies , New Age medicine . Maybe she 's found a way to keep her hair young while her face ages . She 's pale , gamine - like . Later on , after they 've left , my aunt will call her " needy . " I don 't see much need in her . Rather , she seems extremely in - turned , introverted , like someone listening to voices only she can hear . As we talk , she holds a pillow to her belly and looks at me intently with those clear , bright - blue eyes that always seem on the verge of tears . She tells me how she survived cervical cancer in her twenties by seeking alternative treatments and making dietary changes , and how she is studying to become a naturopath . I 've been hearing about this " studying " from Tauri for years ; Tauri seems to worship Ginny 's magical powers , although she doesn 't seem to apply them to her own health . I ask Ginny what she does , meaning for a job . She looks perplexed for a moment , and then tells me that for the past few years she 's been taking care of an aging aunt , who 's just died this past summer . " I 'm still living in her apartment , " she says . " Dealing with her things … . " That explains the voices , I think . Her own voice trails off a lot . I gather that the aunt had children of her own , and that they are interested in the " things " too . It sounds like a sticky situation . And vague , and weird , like most accounts of my California siblings ' lives . Later on , Ginny retreats to her room . At first we assume she 's just catching up on sleep ; they took a night flight over and arrived around midnight , spent the night in a hotel in Syracuse and drove two hours to get here by noon . Later it becomes apparent that she 's not coming out of her room . I ask Tauri if she 's all right . " She 's meditating for Dad , " Tauri says . I 've always hated the way she calls him Dad - the correct term is Daddy . " Oh , " I say , as if that explains everything . I don 't talk to Lee and Allen that much , but I do sit in on a number of conversations they have with other people . Allen has done well - drilling for a living , so periodically he goes outside to check on the driller 's progress . Lee , affable as always , moves about the rooms in a way that is both hulking and gentle , silent . We all move about from room to room as if floating , or swimming , like fish in a bowl . Trapped there but without much to do . At some point , does Jo come over ? I can 't remember . I think so . Jo is an old friend from high school , who , back in May when she joined us for dinner one night and saw my father 's death looming ahead , volunteered to be my surrogate - a surrogate daughter to my parents - to visit them once a week and talk to them about death and dying and preparations therefor . She 'd been through it all with her mother , who died of cancer when Jo was about thirty . She knows the ropes . And she knew that , as an outsider , she could broach topics the rest of us couldn 't . Over the last six months , she has become a real friend to my parents , especially to my mother , and a real part of our family . After dinner , it becomes known that Daddy wants to join us in the living room . This turns out to be more difficult than it might seem , because of course he can 't come under his own power , but neither can anyone lift him . Finally Brian goes up to the attic and brings down Daddy 's office chair , which has wheels , and they manage to get him into it and roll him into the living room , and transfer him to his recliner . " Daddy 's chair . " I don 't remember much of what happens that evening - just that we are all there , all the siblings , and by then we 're joined by Brian 's wife and kids , and Resy 's three kids and their siblings and children and girlfriends … all there , all together . At some point , Keith , Michael , and I leave - we are spending the night at a motel , the house being overfull . At eight , Michael finds staying in a motel a treat ; he finds anything new a treat . This motel 's not much , as motels go , but it has the virtue of being cheap , and in the morning when we wake up , a thick fog will have risen up from the nearby river , making it seem as if we have been sleeping in a cloud . We go out for breakfast - I 'm not sure why , maybe to keep from adding to the burden at the house . Throughout all of this , my mother has been absorbed by my father , unable to sleep or eat , focused completely on him . Yet she has not come unhinged . This amazes me - that this woman , for whom an overcooked piece of meat can be a tragedy , can be so strong under circumstances such as these . When we get back to the house , things have changed . We learn that they were unable to get Daddy back into bed the night before . They got him into the office chair , and rolled him to the bedroom , but once there , it was all they could do to transfer him to another chair ; they could not get him into bed . So now hospice is bringing a hospital bed : it will go into the living room , which is already prepared , the furniture rearranged so that his bed is right next to the window outside of which stands the well - digging equipment . ( Luckily it 's Saturday and the well - drillers don 't work on weekends ; in fact , because Monday is Columbus Day , they won 't be back till Tuesday . ) I can 't recall now how or when the bed actually came , or how Daddy got transferred to it - were we gone , had we gone shopping or something ? - it 's possible ; I think I took Michael to the store at one point . In any case , all that happened . And then he is there . Now we are all able to sit next to him , to hold his hand . From that moment onward I don 't think there is one moment he does not have someone beside him . Whenever I hold his hand , it is warm and his grip is strong . Even when his eyes are closed , he can hear what you say and respond , although he can no longer really speak . I remember now … yesterday , just yesterday , at some point … in the little bedroom … we were helping him , and I was reaching across him to open or close the window , and he said to me , " I 'm dying , aren 't I ? " and taken by surprise , I didn 't lie . " We think so , " I said . " But not today . " By the time I come down , he has already begun to sing . A stocky black man in a sports shirt , looking very un - ministerlike , holding my father 's hand in both of his , and singing the Lord 's Prayer in the most beautiful , deep voice I 've ever been in a room with . He sings it very , very slowly , drawing out every syllable . He may be making the tune up as he goes . Daddy is lying there with his eyes closed , and seems to have become very calm and peaceful . I 'm thinking this might be the moment he dies , but it isn 't . When the prayer is over , the minister says , " I 'm going let you go now , bro , " and lays down Daddy 's hand . Then he turns to us . " I see a lot of sad faces in this room , " he says . " But I want you to know , up there in Heaven , there 's a party going on . There 's a party going on , because they know this good man is coming up to join them . So don 't be sad for him now . Let him go . Let him go up to Lord Jesus … . " The day goes by . People come and go . The guy from hospice , John , who is so kind and has such sad eyes , comes and cleans my father up , and there is talk of different kinds of " Depends " to be had , to make changing him easier … they keep talking about this , it seems endlessly , in the living room , with my father right there - and all I can think is how embarrassed he must be , and how they shouldn 't assume he can 't hear them . But maybe he can hear them and he doesn 't care anymore , or maybe he 's not listening . Hospice brought my mother a little book that described the stages a dying person goes through . I can 't recall them now , but I do remember that one stage has to do with withdrawing . I wonder if he has done that . He seems to still be with us . It 's sometime today that my sister Resy , who herself used to be a hospice nurse , goes to his side and says , " Let 's wet your whistle , shall we ? " He has started breathing through his mouth , his mouth open wide , like a yawn , not like I 've ever seen any person breathe . It 's as if it takes too much energy to keep his mouth closed , as if his chin is heavy and pulling his mouth open . Resy takes one of these little blue sponges on a stick , dips it into cool water , and puts it into his mouth , and when she takes it out , he whistles ! He whistles like he does whenever he 's been out and comes home , and wants to let my mother know he 's back - two tones : one high , the other lower . Around six , Daddy 's youngest sister , Connie , arrives . Last weekend , my mother asked me to contact all the sisters and Louise , Daddy 's step - aunt . When he found out he was going to die , my father sent them all an email , something to the effect that he " didn 't think he 'd make it to his next birthday . " Which would be in February , four months from now . Mom wanted me to let them know how close his death really was , so I did . In the email , I made it as clear as I could . I was blunt , in fact . In response , Aunt Ginny called from Maine and talked to me , letting me know that she " couldn 't come now " - something to do with appointments and schedules . She said she was planning to come at the end of the month . I knew she knew , from my email , that he wouldn 't be with us that long , and I wondered how she could not drop everything and come ? Her own brother ? Her only brother ? Aunt Page responded by email , saying she couldn 't come either . But I hadn 't expected her to , because she herself is quite old and alone and lives farther away , in South Carolina . It would be too long and difficult a trip for her . Aunt Louise I called , not having her email address , and she said that she and " the boys " - her sons - were planning to come to the funeral . But I hadn 't heard from Aunt Connie . " I think she 'll just come , " my mother said , and indeed , here she is , a day earlier than even she expected to arrive . That evening , I decide to show everyone the ice - fishing video . When my father turned 75 , in 1997 , I had just finished writing a novel , which was ( in part ) about ice - fishing , so for a birthday present I took him ice - fishing . I 'd never been before , nor had he , although he was an avid fisherman who had done all kinds of other fishing . So he drove over to Vermont and we put on lots of warm clothes and off we went . For $ 35 up in Alburgh , just north of where I live , you get tip - ups , bait , firewood , and a free trip in a pick - up truck out to your own shanty , complete with a little woodstove and the holes already drilled for you . Well , this had to be the most boring fishing experience either of us had ever had , and yet at the same time it was wonderful , sitting out there together in the cold , on the ice , in the strange silence that dampens every sound . The ice crunching under your boots . The ice twenty or more inches thick . It was Daddy who brought the video camera . Parts of the film he filmed , and then he let me take over for a while . I 'd never operated a video camera before . So there 's this little span of time when the film turns sideways , as if we 're suddenly on our sides , " walking up walls , " so to speak . Because I didn 't know how to hold the camera . Trust me , it 's hysterical . There are long segments where my father is sleeping on the little bench , nothing is happening with the fish , I 'm narrating sotto voce like a golf commentator , and everything is sideways . So there we all are - twenty or more of us - gathered in the living room , perched everywhere , watching this silly little film of me and Daddy fishing and sitting and sleeping , and laughing hysterically as Daddy is dying . I wonder if he knows why we 're laughing . I wonder if he 's listening . Late , late tonight , the California siblings are going home , so Keith and Michael and I can stay at the house . We find beds . We sleep . I don 't remember where . When we wake up , the house is quieter . The California siblings are gone . Aunt Connie has occupied the little downstairs bedroom where Daddy used to be , and she 's sleeping . The question of the day is : Will I stay or will I go ? After lunch Michael and Keith are going home , because Michael has school tomorrow . I can stay , I 'm told ; someone will get me home later . But I decide to go , if for no other reason than to get my work and clothes and come back tomorrow . I don 't know what I was thinking . More than anything else , I regret leaving . I should have known not to . I don 't know why I didn 't . It just seemed impossible that my father would die while I was gone . We get back to Vermont around three . Michael wants to go to AppleFest , an annual event in our little town that will end at four . It 's a bright , blue , beautiful day . The crowd moves in waves up and down South Street . We do our usual routine of stopping at every flea market vendor and buying little . I get my traditional three potholders from the potholder lady , although she herself isn 't there today ; I gather from eavesdropping on her husband that she 's sick . When I see people I know , I try to smile and not say My father 's dying ! I try to have a good time with Michael . These are the things memories are made of . When we get back in the car , he says , " We missed AppleFest ! " I say , " What are you talking about - we were just at AppleFest ! " " But we missed most of it ! " he says , and I know what he means . I explain that AppleFest happens every year , and next year we won 't miss it . What I don 't explain is that , next year , my father is not going to be dying . Brian answers . He tells me that Daddy 's having a hard time breathing - he calls it " the death rattle . " I cringe at this , but then he tells me that he asked Daddy if he wanted hospice to bring something out to suction out the fluid and make it easier for him to breathe , and Daddy nodded , and Brian 's already called them , and they are on the way . I tell him I 'll be leaving shortly to come back . We hang up . I do that thing that people do - gasp and put my hand over my mouth . Tears spring to my eyes . " Just now ? " I say . " Just this minute ? " Then Brian says , " But listen , Giz . " ( He still calls me Giz after all these years . My childhood name . ) " It was a beautiful thing . I know that sounds weird , but it was … . " And he tells me the story that I will hear later from Mom and from him , too , over and over . Their forty - first anniversary was to be October 16th . My sister Resy had been after Mom to read Daddy her anniversary card , but Mom had been delaying . Sunday night , Resy called and told Brian to remind her again , and Mom said , " I 'll do it in the morning . " Then they exchanged a kiss . This is a very important detail : they exchanged a kiss . He was alert enough , there enough , that he could still kiss her . His eyes were open . She said , " I 'll always love you , Hugh , " and was kissing him a second time , on the forehead , when he inhaled sharp and deep , just once . She cried out for Brian , who rushed in from the next room and took Daddy 's hand , and whispered to him , " I love you , Daddy . " Then the breath came out , and he was gone . The last few days of his life , it was too much for him , having Betty on his lap . So he 'd begun to tell her " no , Betty , " and she 'd learned that she had to stay away . But she was never far . When they moved him into the living room , she began to sleep on the coffee table . My mother , uncharacteristically , let her . Such niceties as " cats off tables " didn 't seem to matter any more . When the deacon came to say last rites over my father 's body , everyone gathered around the bed : Mom , Brian , Resy , Aunt Connie , Pat . And Betty the cat . Betty showed up too . At first she sat on the floor next to Aunt Connie . Then she rose up and put her paws up on the bed , and looked into my father 's face . Then she jumped up - the deacon is praying , try to imagine it , no one says a word to Betty - and walked up my father 's body , touched her nose to his chin , and lay down on his chest . Where she remained till the funeral home came to take him away . These two stories will be told over and over the next few days as we prepare for Daddy 's funeral . We tell them to the priest who will be performing the church service . We tell them to the people who come bringing food and condolences . We tell them to each other , over and over . We find solace in the stories , such solace as there is to be had . Brian and Resy have done most of the work of preparing for the funeral . By Monday night , the basics were in place . There will be a viewing tonight at the funeral home , and the service Thursday afternoon at the Episcopal Church . Daddy didn 't want a wake or a long service , and we are doing our best to respect his wishes . On the other hand , we are also doing our best to pay proper homage to him - it 's something we need to do for ourselves . I spend a lot of time at the computer , writing remarks to give at the funeral . I 'm the only person who thinks she can hold it together to do it . Emphasize thinks . My friend Jo , Mom 's friend Pat , and my nephew 's girlfriend are the only non - family members going to the viewing . Jo rides in the car with me . The thing I like about Jo is that , as she puts it , she wears her heart on her sleeve . Her emotionality can be off - putting sometimes , even to those who love her , but the nice thing about it is that she feels what you feel - and shows it . You never feel alone in your sorrow or joy if you are with Jo . In the foyer of the funeral home , I find myself very reluctant to go into the room where Daddy is lying . I realize , suddenly , that aside from the funerals of my stepmother 's parents , I 've never been in the same room with a dead person , and at neither of those events did I go near the bodies . This is going to be different , I can tell . I 've avoided thinking about it till now , but now there is no avoiding it . Next to the book where we sign in is a bowl of peppermints . I take one . My mouth , which had been dry , fills with saliva around the sweet , minty taste . I take a second one to put in my father 's pocket , along with the little folded - up note I keep touching in the pocket of my purse . Mom suggested that we all bring a little something to give him , that we all write him a little note . My note says that he should listen to the speech I 'm going to give at the service tomorrow , the speech I 've been working on over the last two days . And the note says I love him and will miss him . That 's all I could fit onto the little slip of yellow paper , which I have folded up tight . Finally Jo and I go into the viewing room . As soon as we enter , Patty , the funeral - home employee who has been helping Resy and Brian with the arrangements , rushes up and takes my arm and pulls me toward the casket . " Say a prayer for him , " she says . Tears come to my eyes and slide down my face . We 've all been crying a lot , but even so I still feel as if I am crying the most . I can 't seem to stop . Jo starts crying too . I feel so fond of her now , so thankful for all she has done for me , for them , for him . I reach the casket and kneel down on the riser they 've provided at the head of it . He looks good . He looks like himself , more like himself than he did the last few days of his life . He 's wearing his glasses over closed eyes . He 's wearing a white dress shirt , a sweater , a nice tie - I remember seeing these clothes on Mom 's bed upstairs , but it didn 't register why till now . I hope he 's wearing the shoes I gave him for his last birthday , but I can 't see his legs or feet - they 're hidden at the bottom of the casket , where the top is closed and buried under red and white flowers . Roses . I take the little note and the peppermint and slide them into his sweater pocket . I 'm thinking how calm he looks , how prepared my mother must have been to have chosen these clothes for him . I look at his face . I notice that his lips are sealed together - there 's a dark , thin line between his lips , it must be some kind of glue . Of course , they 'd have to do that . They couldn 't leave his mouth open , the way it was when he died . I touch his hand . It 's very cold , and surprisingly hard . I 've never touched a dead person before . I cry harder . My face gets hot and my breath short . I stand up . My family is all there , except my husband Keith , and Michael , and my nieces Ali and Kimber - we didn 't think the children should come . Everyone is in various states of mourning - crying , sad , silent ; talking , smiling , even laughing . We hug a lot . We say a few words to each other . John makes a joke to me about what he 's going to do at the service tomorrow - something about singing Daddy 's favorite song instead of reading the psalm he 's been assigned . I ask Brian to hit him for me . They look at me strangely . Everything is disjointed , ragged . Nothing makes sense here . We are in the room with our dead father , saying goodbye to someone who is no longer here with us . Brian 's wife , Heather , is having the hardest time . She won 't go near the body . She 's not crying , but her eyes have a distracted , shiny look . She won 't look at him . I talk to her for a while . I don 't know what I said , but it seems to console her a little . I feel closer to her than I ever have . We 're there for about an hour . Mom lets it be known that she wants to leave last . Jo and I go back up to say goodbye to Daddy . I give him a kiss on his lips . They are cold and hard . It 's very hard not to cry - I don 't bother trying not to . Brian lets me know that Heather is going to go up after most everyone else has left . So we leave first , others close behind us . We 'll all meet back at the house , where multiple desserts , too sweet , await us . The morning of the funeral we spend preparing as if for a party . I 'm sent downtown twice , once for food and later again for some little cocktail napkins . My mother is quite specific about the napkins : which store to buy them in , where they are in the store . I choose some that have a blue paisley design on them - Daddy liked paisley - and I buy all kinds of finger foods , sweet and not sweet , for people to eat after the service . We 're not having an open house , but people are invited , mostly my mother 's extended family . Keith and Michael arrive , along with my best Vermont friends , Barbara and Larry . It seems strange to see them here , where they have never been before . My cousin Nell arrives from Maine , the only one representing Daddy 's family , aside from Aunt Connie . Then we are all assembled . The men who are serving as pallbearers leave early , all of them nicely dressed in dark suits . A half hour later , we women and Michael are picked up by a limousine . Michael is thrilled to get to sit in front . Keith , Nell , Barbara , and Larry drive to the church in their cars . First we hear the bagpipes . Daddy wanted bagpipes , and a single piper is playing on the sidewalk in front of the church , a deep , full , mournful sound . And loud . As if proclaiming to the whole neighborhood that a man is dead . People are standing in clusters out front . I see Resy 's ex - husband , Bob . The rest of the people blur together . I can 't tell who 's friend or family and who 's from the funeral home . It 's warm but overcast and breezy . I remember the sound of taps being played , so clear and sad in that massive , open space , the notes flying up to the blue - domed ceiling . I remember the soldiers folding the flag and presenting it to my mother . I remember standing shivering in the cold foyer , shaking hands and hugging and thanking all the people who came . The day has turned cold while we were inside . In the front yard , the wind grabs at our clothes , stings our cheeks . We stand in a circle . My mother instructs us . " One , two , three , " she says , and we all whistle , two tones , and release our balloons . They dance around uncertainly , and then , as if responding to a call , speed off together into the sky . I stand and watch them as they recede . It 's over . It will never be over . |
Bella had been writhing in her sleep and she was starting to make these pathetic whimpering noises . It made me fucking angry to know something plagued her in her dreams and I was helpless to stop it . She curled further into my chest . I shook her once more and she woke up . It took her a minute to focus on my face but when she did , she smiled , her beautiful doe eyes looking up at me . Never in my life would I get used to the fact that such a pure and innocent creature loved my sorry ass . Bella sat up and put her small hands on my chest . " I 'm so sorry , Edward . I 've been having more nightmares lately . I didn 't mean to wake you . Go back to sleep . " She looked tired as fuck , and I could still see the dried tears on her silken cheeks . I couldn 't stand to see my babydoll sad . The fact that she was in pain made me feel like a knife was being slashed through my heart . I would do anything in my fucking power to make her happy . I took her hand from my chest and kissed her palm . " Babydoll , you don 't need to apologize . You were there for me when I had a nightmare , and I 'm here for you now . Tell me why you can 't sleep , darling ? " I sat up and pulled her to my chest . She put her head in the crook of my neck and drifted back to sleep . Her glorious scent surrounded me , and I could feel her steady heart beat . I held onto my babydoll for dear life , because I knew that my presence would somehow soothe her . After Bella 's nightmare , I couldn 't get back to sleep . I just lay holding her and thinking about the past few days . I had nearly lost my babydoll before the dinner party because I had acted like a goddamn stupid motherfucker . That day she had been in the kitchen making breakfast after giving me the blowjob of a lifetime , and I had fucking yelled at her and pushed her away . I accused her of not trusting me . I fucking demanded that she do shit or else . I knew how stubborn Bella was and yet I goaded her on . The kicker had been when I inadvertently called her a cunt . She had balled her tiny little fist up and clipped me damn hard on the jaw . I saw fucking red , and if it had been anyone else besides my babydoll , I might have kicked their ass . It was good that Bella stood up to me . Oftentimes , I was a controlling , chauvinistic , arrogant motherfucker . No one had ever called me on my bullshit before my babydoll . In that bedroom , I had thought that she was going to leave me forever . When she turned me down , I was scared shitless . I had taken her to the meadow and told her everything . I would never forget the look in her beautiful chocolate eyes when she accepted all of me for who I was . I had gone and done the most bitch ass shit in history and carved our initials in a tree , but Bella seemed to like that shit , so it was worth it in the end . She had been so beautiful in the meadow , with her white babydoll dress and those fucking sparkly hair clips . Her outfit and hair made her look so young and carefree . I felt like a fucking pedophile groping her tight little body in that swing . I 'd never been a religious motherfucker , but I felt like going to some kind of church and thanking whatever god it was that sent my fucking angel to me . That night I made up with my family , and we put the past behind us . For the first time in my life , I felt like I belonged . Emmett had set me up with an anger management class . I already went to one session and I liked the guy that taught it . His name was Sam , and he was a huge Native American motherfucker with all kinds of tattoos . He was a fucking hard ass , ex military and shit . He had said something to piss me off the first day and I 'd gone off into a temper tantrum . He pulled some kind of martial arts move thaylaid flat on my ass . From that day on , he had my respect . Sam used traditional psychological tools for anger management , but he also used some of the Native traditions . That motherfucker looked like he chewed fucking nails for breakfast , but when his wife and little girl dropped by to visit him , he turned into the most pussy whipped motherfucker around . That had made me laugh , so I signed up for six more sessions . I was determined to improve my goddamned disposition so Bella could stop kicking my ass all the time . Although , a part of me did get off on her going all dominatrix on me . Fortunately , Carlisle had saved my relationship with my babydoll . It had been him I talked to after Bella went upstairs . He convinced me that if I wanted her love and forgiveness , I was going to have to tell her the truth . We discussed women , love , and feelings . Before or talk , I 'd always thought Dr . Cullen was a pussy whipped motherfucker , but he was deep . He really was a good man and my mom was lucky to have him . The way he talked about her , you could tell that she was his life . I had even made plans to go fishing with him , Em , and Jasper , which was something I would have never done before Bella . Even fucking Rosalie liked my Bella , and lord knows that bitch was hard to please . My babydoll had taken her car to Rose 's shop the other day , and they had lunch . I knew this because I had the personal bodyguard to follow her . I hated it when she went out her own , but she was so fucking stubborn . Because Rose and my babydoll seemed to be becoming great friends , I was going to have to make a point and be nice to the bitch , even though I still fucking hated her . Rose fucking called me Slutward for the past three years , but she was sweet to Bella , and that was all that really fucking mattered . Seeing my mom so fucking happy had been another highlight of the day . I knew that Esme carried around guilt for what I had become , but I didn 't know how deep it was until Bella told me about the conversation they had had inside the gazebo . Knowing that my mom had finally found some peace for our past made me feel ecstatic . We now had a bond that we never had before . There was still a lot of work for me to do , but I knew that I was on the right track . My relationship with Jasper was also much better . He was doing an excellent job at my club , and I was pretty sure that he and Ali would be getting married soon . Bella thought the sun rose and set on her brother , so I was determined to stay in that fucker 's good graces . Jasper and I soon discovered that we have a lot in common . We both enjoyed war history , chess , and classical music . Bella called us geriatrics , because in her opinion , we acted like sixty year olds . I took offense at that , and in retaliation I took off my shirt and asked if my chest looked sixty . As usual , my babydoll had stared transfixed at my pecs until her face turned tomato red . I would never get over her fucking sexy as hell blush . I fucking licked her cheeks so much that she was going to start chafing soon . Bella had surprised me the night of the dinner party . She incorrectly thought that Gianna was my girlfriend . I had seen the hurt , jealousy , and hate in her eyes when she saw us together . I hadn 't wanted to bring Gianna , but she 'd made up some story about fighting with Caius , and I agreed to let her meet Bella . The truth was that Marcus and Caius sent Gianna to spy on me . That gossiping motherfucker Demetri had let it slip that I was infatuated with my new secretary , and the Volturi were interested . Caius sent Gianna because her father had been a made man , and she was good at reading people . She had confessed it all to me in the garden and apologized for having to do it . Gianna thought Bella was beautiful and not at all like the bitches that I usually fucked . I had told her of my love for Bella and the romantic in her had come out . She had taken an early flight back to Chicago and told Caius and Marcus the good news . Yesterday , Marcus sent a fucking diamond pendant for my babydoll , but I hadn 't given it to her yet . I knew she didn 't like expensive shit , and I was not sure how she 'd react to finding out that they knew about our relationship . I leaned over and kissed Bella 's forehead . She sighed and snuggled into me . I heard her muttering something in her sleep . She had a tendency to sleep talk and I thought it was the cutest thing ever . " Edward , more please . Feels good . Don 't stop . " I looked down at her to see if she was awake , but her eyes were closed and she appeared to be asleep . Every cell in my dick wanted me to wake her up and demonstrate what felt good , but she needed all the fucking rest that she could get . One of her small hands drifted to my upper thigh and my cock became so hard that it felt like hot steel . That was another one of my current problems . I hadn 't made love to Bella yet , and my dick was in a fucking frenzy . I didn 't blame it really , with all the willing temptation nearby every night . Usually , I fucked a bitch and never saw her again , but Bella was special . She was mine for life . She was also a fucking virgin , so I wanted her first time to be memorable and special . Her birthday was coming up in about a week and I was planning on popping her cherry on that day . Mom and Ali were helping me set up a special trip to Italy that I was planning for Bella . She 'd never been out of the country . I knew she was going to fucking cream herself when she saw the villa we 'd be staying at in Tuscany . My babydoll hadn 't been making my decision to wait easy , though . She fucking threw herself at me , and I had so little willpower . Bella was becoming so goddamn sexy that just her presence in a room made me leak . The first time I met her , I misjudged her as a prude . She was far from that ; it just took the right fucker to bring it out into the open . Bella 's reactions , movements , and body were naturally sexual . I had whores in the club downstairs that couldn 't hold a candle to my babydoll 's sexiness , and we hadn 't even properly fucked . I wasn 't the only motherfucker who noticed her either . I caught guys eye - fucking her all the goddamned time . I almost hated to take her out in public . She called me Caveward because of my possesiveness , but those fuckers should have better than to visually covet another man 's woman . All of a sudden , Bella 's hot little hand started to creep higher . I contemplated waking her up again , but I decided to try to sleep and just ignore her attempts to molest me . I moved her hand back to my chest , closed my eyes , and drifted away to dreamland . When I woke up , my babydoll was gone . I panicked for a minute , but then I smelled something heavenly cooking and realized that she was in the kitchen . We 'd stayed another night in my lair because Bella likeed it , and it was pretty cozy . It had become her second home . I loved having her with me . I 'd even finally managed to convince her to move some of her stuff in , so now there was a bunch of feminine shit in my fucking bathroom . I 'd become such a dopey ass motherfucker that when I saw her body wash in my medicine cabinet , I fucking smiled . If anyone would have told me I would care about fucking shit like that , I would have taken them to the nearest mental hospital . I went into the kitchen to see the object of my affection in person . She was standing near the stove reading a book . She had on one of my long sleeved Harvard t - shirts and a pair of my white gym socks . I loved seeing my babydoll in my clothes . It stirred something primal in me . Maybe I was a Caveward after all . I picked her up and sucked on her bottom lip . She opened her mouth and fisted her hands in my hair , pulling me closer . " Mmm , Edward , you taste so good . " That compliment went straight to my dick . I licked inside her hot sweet mouth for a few minutes before setting her back down on her feet . She gave me a sexy smile and then went over to the stove . She lifted a portion of food on a fork , brought it over to me , and put it in my mouth . She looked so hot standing there in front of me that I almost forgot to breathe . I shook my head when I realized she was saying something . Of course I liked it , I liked everything she made . " It 's fucking perfect . I love you , babydoll . " Bella just stood there staring into my eyes and blushing . I left her to finish the cooking while I worked on some financial shit . Bella had quickly become the most important person in my life , so it was time that I started making plans for our future . I knew that eventually I was going to have to introduce her to Marcus and Caius in person , because I planned on proposing to Bella soon . She 'd be joining my world , so there were some things I was going to need to teach her . My tigress was tough , and she could handle shit . Knowing that was the only thing that gave me the courage to make her mine . We were fated or some shit . There was no way my life would have continued if I hadn 't met her . The club and my investments were making me a lot of money . I wanted to buy my babydoll something special . The only problem was I didn 't know what she liked , and she wouldn 't fucking ask for anything either . Ever time I brought up some item that other bitches were fawning over , Bella seemed uninterested . I was busy racking my brains for ideas when suddenly it came to me , the perfect gift for her . I got the number for a real estate agency in Forks and set everything up . I was going to take my babydoll to visit her hometown and the cemetery where her parents were buried . This week was the anniversary of her mother 's death ; I had a feeling that was the reason she 'd been having those goddamn nightmares every night . We could leave Friday and spend the whole weekend . I rented a spacious cabin and gave the agent special instructions to make sure it was cleaned and fully stocked . Hopefully , Bella would be able put the past behind her so that we could move on with our future . After the arrangements for the trip were finalized , I went back into the kitchen . Bella had set everything up on the table and was back to reading her book . I walked over and sat down next to her . She had already made me a plate , so I began eating . The silence started to get to me . I was a little pissed that she was paying more attention to her book than me . She looked like a frightened deer that had been caught in the headlights . " I 'm sorry , Edward . I just really wanted to finish this before work tonight . What do you want to talk about ? " I wanted to talk about us , our future , her nightmares , why she was shutting me out , however , I kept all of that to myself because I didn 't want to get into a fight so early in the morning . I looked over at Bella to see she was now eating vigorously . When she was halfway through , she put her fork down . Her mouth opened and closed a few times . It looked like she wanted to say something but kept changing her mind . " Edward , why haven 't you made love to me ? I know you 've been with lots of women and I probably won 't compare , but I still thought … Never mind . " She looked so fucking depressed that it broke my heart . She honestly thought I didn 't want her , or that those other bitches were better . Fuck that shit . " Babydoll , you 're so far above and beyond all those other women that it 's laughable . They are my past . They meant nothing to me . You are my future , and you mean everything . I want our first time to be memorable and special for the both of us . Trust that I have a plan , and you will be thoroughly deflowered soon . I love you , Bella . You are mine forever . You are the only woman I will ever hold , make love to , kiss , or touch for the rest of my life . " For your first time , I want to wait and make it something you won 't ever forget . Please don 't think that makes me want you any less . I ache for you , babydoll . " I hoped that my confession would alleviate her fears and help her to understand why I wanted to wait . Bella stood up and came to sit in my lap . She had a small smile on her face . Her eyes were glassy and heavy lidded . " I love you so much , Edward . You are the sweetest man in the world . You like people to think you 're a tough guy , but underneath it all , you 're a gummy bear . That could be your new pet name ; gummy bear . " I was about to protest when she silenced me with light kisses all over my face . She ended the kiss on my lips , taking time to suck on my top lip for a minute . Bella made me feel special and extremely happy . I loved it when she teased me . " You will not call me gummy bear . I may be pussy whipped , but I have to draw the line somewhere . No grown man wants to be called a candy ass name like that . " Bella just giggled and mumbled something about ' soft on the inside . ' I patted her on the ass as she stood up to clean up our dishes . She never let me help her , but I always enjoyed the view . After breakfast , Bella and I went into the living room and cuddled . We found a Dr . Who marathon on TV and vegged out to watch it . I alternated between tickling Bella and doing impressions of the characters . I had her cracking up , and it felt fucking fantastic to hear her beautiful laugh again . She was trying to fight me off because she was laughing too hard . My dick was fucking hard as a rock , but I didn 't want to ruin our moment with sex . We already had a strong physical attraction . " Edward , I have a surprise for you tonight after work . " I looked down at Bella . She had a sly look in her eyes . This can 't be good . " What is it ? Can you give me a hint ? " My hands were lightly resting on her ribs . I felt her heartbeat speed up as her eyes got wide . Now I was really fucking curious . What kind of shit was she planning ? She had that stubborn look in her eye , so I didn 't bother pushing the issue further . I would find out soon enough . Soon , she curled up with her back to me and continued watching TV . An hour later , Bella fell asleep in my arms . I put her in our bed , locked up the lair , and went down to talk to Demetri . I planned on letting Bella sleep until lunchtime so she wouldn 't be too sluggish tonight . D had a shit eating grin on his face . " Hey , boss , you look properly fucked this morning . Is the lovely Bella the reason you kept me waiting so long ? " Obviously this fucker forgot about his last beating . " Shut the fuck up , D . I don 't want you noticing how lovely Bella is . She is mine . I 'll kick your ass again if you touch one hair on her pretty little head . " I smiled at the Italian name for Chief . Luckily , I was fluent in French , Italian , Greek , and Spanish . I picked that shit up easily because of my photographic memory . I was looking forward to taking Bella to all those countries and dazzling her with my skills . Demetri and I went over the shipment of drugs that was coming into the club . A large amount of marijuana was due , and he wanted to know if I needed to take some off the top . I declined because since Bella and I declared ourselves , I hadn 't touched that shit . Lately , I even felt bad about trafficking hard drugs through the club . I didn 't want that shit near my babydoll , so I was going to talk about it with the Volturi during our next meeting . By the time we finished , it was close to one . Demetri told me to tell Bella that he said hello and would drop by to see her tonight . I gave him a hard glare and the finger before getting in the elevator to go upstairs . I typed the code in my keypad and entered the lair . Bella wasn 't in bed , but I could hear the shower running . I contemplated going in and joining her but decided against it . I wanted to take her out for lunch and if we showered together , we 'd never get out of the apartment . I sat down on the bed and put on some music while I waited for her to finish . I would take a quick shower , change , and then we would be off . I was planning on taking her to an authentic Spanish restaurant that one of my good friends owned . Suddenly , my babydoll stepped out of the bathroom in the tiniest fucking towel known to man . Small droplets of water were all over her lightly flushed skin . She made her way over to me and I smiled . I thought she was about to shoo me out so she could get dressed . I was getting up to leave but she blocked my path and fucking dropped the goddamned towel . I froze because in front of me was a vision : my Bella in all her fucking glory . I was mesmerized . I let out a low groan and she smiled . I had to get the fuck out of there . I managed to pick up the towel and hand it to her . I gave her one chaste kiss on the forehead and then made my way to the bathroom . I took the coldest goddamned shower I could stand . I didn 't even fucking touch my dick because it was so hard it hurt . I tried to concentrate on something boring , but all I could see was my babydoll standing there naked : her perfect pink nipples protruding , her lickable belly button , the light sprinkling of soft curls covering her promised land , her tight little heart shaped ass . Damn . My dick was so hard that it could cut steel . I turned the water temperature down lower and pictured myself fucking Jessica Stanley . That did it . My hard - on fled , and I was able to finish showering . Thankfully , when I got to the bedroom Bella was gone . I could hear the TV in the living room so I assumed she was watching a show . I put on one of my slate gray Prada suits and a black tie . I spritzed on some cologne and added my Prada loafers . I just ran my fingers through my hair because that 's all I ever did , and besides , Bella grabbed onto it whenever she could so it always looked like I 've been freshly fucked . I studied myself in the mirror and decided I was a sexy motherfucker - - good enough to be seen with my babydoll . When I found her , she was sitting on the far end of the leather couch staring out into space . Her chosen outfit consisted of a red scoop neck sheath dress and kitten heels . All of her hair was down and there was a red and black headband holding it back . Her makeup was minimal but she did have on lip gloss and mascara . As usual , she was fucking magnificent . I knew more about women 's clothes and makeup than most men , because my father taught me that shit so that I could woo women . My babydoll was a natural beauty , meaning she could wear a sack and still hold my attention . Bella glanced at me when I walked in , and her eyes widened . She turned away , but when she glanced back , I could see the hurt in her eyes . I kneeled in front of her in a heartbeat . " What 's the matter , babydoll ? " She wouldn 't make eye contact with me . I held her small hand while I waited on her answer . " Bella , believe me , I wanted to lick every inch of your skin , but we have a lunch reservation . If I started , we would miss everything , and I want you to meet some of my other friends . I will make it up to you later . " She leaned forward to kiss me . I wasn 't expecting it , so I ended up flat on my back with Bella straddling me . My dick was instantly hard again . She started grinding herself against my erection . I pulled her head down for a kiss . Her lips automatically molded to mine . We stayed like that for a while . When she started moaning into my mouth , I broke the kiss and stood her up . She smiled and took my hand quietly . She was blushing , so I licked her cheeks . She tried to push me away but I started sucking on her neck . Since we would be out in public , I wanted to make sure every other fucker knew that she was taken and giving her a couple of hickeys was the easiest way I could think of . She eventually removed my mouth from her neck and slapped me on the chest . " Christ , Caveward ! I think they 'll be able to tell I 'm yours . " She tried to sound angry but I saw the small smile that she was trying to hide . Eventually , we rode the elevator to the Phantom . I pulled it out of the garage , and we headed to the restaurant . Bella sat quietly holding my hand . We pulled up to our destination thirty minutes later . A valet opened Bella 's door and took my car keys . I caught him looking at Bella 's ass , so I stomped on his foot hard before he entered the car . My babydoll fucking apologized for my behavior and then took my hand . I threatened to cut off his needle dick if looked at her again or wrecked my car . He looked scared shitless , so I was satisfied . I went to a booth near the back that had been reserved for Bella and me . It was separate from the rest of the diners and would give us some privacy . The waiter came by to take our order and I let Bella go first . Her eyes got wide when she took in the prices . She tried to order something cheap , so I dismissed the waiter telling him we needed a minute . " Babydoll , you know that you can order anything you want . I know the owner and dinner is on me . You cook for me all the time . Let me treat you for once . Don 't ever think that you can 't have what you really want . I have plenty of money and I would like to use it to spoil you . " She just stared at me while biting her bottom lip . " I just don 't want you to always have to pay for stuff . I don 't want you to think I like you because of your money , because I don 't . I 'd like you if you were just a regular broke guy . I 'd probably like you better , because then I would feel we were on more of an equal footing . I just wish I had something to give you in return . Could you let me foot the bill sometimes ? " I was furious , so I counted to ten and measured my breathing . " What the hell are you talking about Bella ? I fucking know you aren 't with me for money . You don 't ask for a goddamned thing , even though I 'd be more than happy if you did . You insist on paying all your own bills and you don 't even sleep at my apartment every night . Money is just that , money . It means nothing if I don 't have you . You have everything to offer me . You give me all of you , and that is priceless . " I 'm old fashioned . I believe a man should be a man . You are mine , babydoll . Paying for your fucking dinner is next to nothing compared to all you 've done for me . " Bella thought about what I said for a minute and then she smiled . " Thanks . I 'm glad that I 'm important to you . You mean everything to me , too . I love you . " When the waiter came back , Bella ordered paella and lobster . I ordered zarangolo with cured beef and gazpacho . The portions here were large and I planned on sharing with Bella . For the wine , I went with a nice vintage Merlot . The waiter disappeared to start our order . Bella sat across from me , taking in he surroundings . She seemed to like the vivid paintings that hung from the wall . We got into a discussion about art . I found out she had eclectic taste . I was determined to buy her at least one piece she admired , no matter what the cost . Suddenly , I felt a large hand land on my shoulder . I turned around and saw my friend Eleazar standing over me smiling . Behind him was his beautiful wife Carmen . I invited them both to sit down so I could introduce Bella . Bella giggled and blushed a bright shade of red . " He has his attributes , like the fact that he 's so pretty . It takes my breath away . " Bella was looking at Eleazar with a twinkle in her brown eyes . I heard her mumble ' you surely do ' and then look away . I squeezed her knee to get her attention . She leaned over and kissed my cheek . I was a little jealous , but I got over it fast . I was the only man Bella ever allowed to touch her and it was going to stay that way . Our food came a few minutes later , and we took turns feeding each other - - everything was delicious . Bella made a point of being neat because she didn 't want to mess up my expensive suit . I got distracted a couple of times and dropped some food onto Bella 's chest , which I would quickly lick clean . She tsked me and continued eating . After lunch , we decided to order desert . I needed to use the restroom , so I left Bella to order . When I re - entered the dining area , I stopped in my tracks . Sitting in front of my babydoll was a blond guy with a ponytail . Upon closer inspection , I recognized him as one of the Russians we had business with sometimes . He was sitting right next to her and leaning close , and she appeared to be trying to get away from him . I saw him put his goddamned hand on her breast and pull her hair as she whimpered . I ran over and pulled that motherfucker out of the booth . I was going to fucking kill the bastard . I vaguely heard Eleazar calming the other patrons down . He pried me off of the blond Russian and led us outside . Eleazar had one of his security men hold me back while he turned around to address me . " Edward , that is James . The Volturi do some business with his dad Stephan . I don 't know what he did , but please keep it out here . " I wasn 't listening . All I could see was him hurting my babydoll . I faked out the security men and lunged for James . He went down hard , and I heard his ribs crack . I punched him in the nose until I heard another crack . I kicked him in the stomach multiple times . I blacked his eyes and watched them swell . He was trying to fight back , but he was no match for my anger . The security men recovered and tried to drag me off of him . I was a fucking animal . I turned around to see Carmen with her arm around Bella , who was fucking sobbing . I gave James one last punch in the mouth and walked over to Bella . I picked her little body up and held her tight . She put her arms around my shoulders and kissed me , letting me know she was really all right . I put her down and walked over to Eleazar . He looked angry once he saw that Bella was crying . I assumed that he 'd put two and two together and knew what happened . " Don 't worry , Edward . I 'll take care of this asshole . He won 't come here again . Dinner 's on me . Bella 's dessert is wrapped up so you can take it to go . " He had his men pick James up and put him in a car . He had the sense to look scared after that . The security men managed to get him in the car and drove away . I took Bella 's hand and we went out to the Phantom . Carmen put our leftovers in a stylish bag for us and gave Bella one last kiss . Eleazar apologized and told Bella he hoped to see her again . She smiled and thanked them both . Then , the valet came to bring me my car . I tipped him because he didn 't look at my babydoll and the car was unscathed . I was still too angry to drive , so I pulled into a nearby parking lot . I parked away from the other cars near the back . Then I turned to Bella . She was sitting with her hand held tightly in her lap . She had a couple of errant tears on her cheeks . I wiped them off , unbuckled her seat belt , and pulled her into my lap . " Babydoll . It 's okay . I 've got you now . I just want to know what happened . " She hesitated before shaking her head . I kissed her forehead . " Please , Bella , just tell me . I need to know . " She leaned into my neck and inhaled . " He . . . he … came over to the table while you were gone . He said you were a friend of his . He asked who I was , and I told him I was your girlfriend . He . . . said you fuck a lot but don 't have any girlfriends . I started to get angry but I didn 't want to make a scene . " I told him you had changed and that I was indeed your girlfriend . He grabbed my hand and tried to put it on his … penis . I pulled my hand away and slapped him . He said he ' liked em feisty ' and that he could ' fuck me into the ground . ' I tried to get away from him but he grabbed my breast and started pulling my hair . Then . . . you showed up … " She was sobbing again , so I pulled her closer . James was a dead motherfucker walking . He had put his goddamned slimy hands on my Bella after she told him she was mine ; that was a clear violation of our rules . I was going to make sure the Volturi heard about this . I was so angry I squeezed Bella but that wasn 't enough . I growled several times and yelled a string of profanities . I must have been holding her too tightly , because she was trying to get away . " I 'm sorry , babydoll . I need you to calm me down so I don 't go kill him now . " She put her hands in my hair and kissed me . I wasn 't into it at first because I was so angry . I felt Bella 's tongue go in my mouth and I reciprocated . Her lips molded against mine and I breathed her scent into my nose . I immediately started to calm down . She let go of me and looked me in the eyes . " He 's not worth it , Edward . Promise me that you won 't kill him . I belong to you and no one else . Don 't let him make you something you 're not . " Bella stared at me expectantly so I complied . " Fuck . Fine . I won 't kill him now , but if he comes anywhere near you again , this promise is revoked . He won 't ever hurt you again . " She smiled and kissed my nose . " Thank you . I don 't want this to ruin the surprise I have for you later . I love you , baby . " We spent the rest of the afternoon walking around the mall . Bella let me buy her some antique books and a sweater . We stopped in the park to eat dessert . We held hands on a park bench and watched the people go by while Bella waved at all the babies and little kids and they waved back . I figured I was going to have to rethink my opinion on shitmakers because my babydoll seemed to be quite fond of them . Maybe our kids wouldn 't be so bad , especially if they took after Bella . If they took after me , I was going to die an early death . One of the passing mothers was trying to retrieve something from her stroller . She was having a hard time so Bella went over to hold the baby . My babydoll had a wistful look in her eyes as she nuzzled the baby 's fat cheeks . Eventually , the woman found what she was looking for and took the baby from Bella . She thanked my babydoll , put the baby in the stroller , and continued walking . I stared hard at Bella , just recognizing this maternal side of her . She sat down next to me and took my hand . She was blushing . " I want a lot of kids . I 've always wanted a big family so that I would never be alone . If it hadn 't been for Jaz , I would have been very lonely growing up . I babysat in high school , and I still volunteer with children . I love them . I 'd love to be a mother someday . Don 't you want kids , Edward ? " Bella looked like she was scared of what my answer might be . She was staring at me with a shocked look on her face . " Shitmakers ? ! Is that what you call children ? That 's very juvenile and insensitive of you . " She was fucking pissed . I could see that little line starting to form on her forehead . " I didn 't mean to offend you , babydoll . It 's just that I haven 't really been around children that much . I remember how Collin and Brady always seemed to need a diaper change when they were little - - that is what that nickname is based on . I seriously don 't mean anything by it . " " You 're going to be a great father to our children . As punishment for your disrespect , I will make sure you have diaper duty as much as possible . Don 't ever let me hear you call children ' shitmakers ' again . Got that , Cullen ? " I nodded and kissed her cheek . I didn 't want my babydoll to go all G . I Jane and kick my ass again . My jaw was still healing from the last time she beat me up . After the park , it was time to go into the office for the night . I was both nervous and excited to see what Bella 's surprise was but she wouldn 't budge and tell me . I tried to get her to talk during the drive over , but she just hummed and changed the subject . Soon , we pulled up to the garage entrance . Felix was there , and Bella waved at him when he spotted her . He gave her a rare smile and continued walking over to the car . Felix was a huge motherfucker with dark eyes , dark hair , and he was quiet as a mouse . I had no fucking clue what he and my babydoll had in common . They seemed to have some kind of bond , and although I was a jealous fucker , I saw no reason to break up their friendship . Bella bounced out of the car and handed Felix a book . He took it and smiled . I didn 't even know that motherfucker could read and he was doing book exchange with my babydoll . Weird . I saw him inspect her face closely and her eyes must still have been a little red , because he gave me a murderous glance . I shook my head and mouthed ' later . ' He got the hint and left it alone . The night flew by quickly , and all was going well downstairs . Bella was working on the A / R reports , so I went down to talk to Felix . He was angry when I told him what James did to my babydoll . We handed out James ' picture to security and told them to make sure he was not allowed into the club . I also filled Jasper in on what happened . He wanted to go for James too , but I assured him I could take care of Bella . I finally caved and told him about the private bodyguard . " You 're fucking kidding me , Cullen . Bella is going to kill your ass when she finds out . I mean , I 'm grateful because I want her to be protected , but she 's not going to see it that way . You better hope she never finds out . " He was right , but I would rather have Bella kick my ass again than have her get hurt . I looked at Jasper and moved my finger across my throat , letting him know I would kill him if he hurt Alice . He smirked and did the same thing for Bella . It seemed we had reached an agreement that neither one of our sisters were to be hurt , or else . I smiled and walked out of his office . I made my way to the seventh floor . Chanel was out of town , so the second in command , Heidi , was taking her place . I didn 't really like Heidi because she had such a big mouth , but she was good at running shit . She walked over and tried to flirt with me . I cut her off quick . I quizzed her on what was going on . She seemed to know the drill and answered all my questions with ease , so I left her to go back to my babydoll . When I got there , Bella was still at her desk . Demetri had come in and joined her . He wasn 't touching her , but he was eating a brownie and making her smile . I had to calm myself down before I did something stupid again . Sam told me to think of a happy memory when my temper got out of control . I thought about my babydoll on that tree swing in the woods and was able to gain control of my anger . Bella jumped because she hadn 't noticed me enter . She nodded her head and excused herself . I saw Demetri mouth ' babydoll ' before giving a hard snort . I gave him a grim look and he calmed down . Bella came back with my snack . I sat down in her chair and pulled her down into my lap . I continued talking to Demetri . I heard Bella mumble ' Caveward ' again , which made me smile . I fed her some of my brownie before standing up and letting her go . I kissed her on the neck and beckoned Demetri to follow me to my office . I told him about James and the rule about him not being allowed in the club . I asked him to keep an eye on the Russians ' reaction to what happened . Like Felix and Jasper , D was angry that someone had hurt Bella . I still didn 't like D visiting Bella , but he made her smile . I wasn 't going to take that away . As long as he kept his hands to himself , he was welcome . The rest of the night passed quickly . Bella spent her break downstairs with Jasper and Alice . I wrote a bunch of fucking checks to various vendors and before I knew it , it was closing time . The clock said it was a little after three - thirty in the morning . I saw that there were now three moths near my wall sconce . I had stopped killing them so they were starting to multiply . I was even thinking of buying some type of insect sanctuary thing they could live in . I put it on my to do list . Bella walked into my office with an overcoat on . I panicked because I didn 't want this to be one of those nights where she stayed at her own apartment . She saw the fear on my face and smiled at me . " Edward , do you trust me ? " I nodded . " Good . It 's time for your surprise . I 'm going to blindfold you so you don 't see what we 're going to do . Don 't worry , we aren 't leaving the club . " I watched her walk over to me . She kissed me and then put a dark piece of silk over my eyes . No one had ever done that to me . It was fucking hot . I felt Bella take my hand and lead me out of the office . We got in the elevator and headed down . I was led somewhere where there was a comfortable padded chair . Bella pushed me down and put . . what the fuck . . . handcuffs on my wrists . Those fuckers must have been the real kind too because I couldn 't break free . They had some type of soft material around them though , so they didn 't hurt . I was really fucking nervous now . I had no idea what Bella was planning to do . My traitor dick was up for the occasion , though . All of a sudden , the blindfold was ripped off and I came face to face with Bella . She still had on that coat but there was a white nurse 's hat on her head . The hat was white and it had a red cross in the middle . Her hair was tucked underneath it . Oh . My . God . I had been to enough strip shows to figure out what Bella 's ' surprise ' was by now . Before I could articulate my thoughts the lights were dimmed and I heard the first chords of music . Fuck me . The song was Nasty Naughty Boy . Bella took off her overcoat , and I went into shock . My babydoll was wearing a skimpy ass naughty nurse uniform . It consisted of a barely there white skirt that had a red cross over her pussy . It didn 't even go down enough to cover her ass cheeks . The bikini top was white with a red cross over each nipple . She had on white lace thigh highs and red platform stripper heels . Bella began gyrating her hips to the music . I groaned louder . She came over and ground her pussy in my lap . " How do you like your surprise , Edward ? You can look but you can 't touch . " I struggled to break free of the handcuffs . She just giggled and gyrated her sexy hips . She was really working my dick hard . Without giving me any relief , she went back to the front of the room to dance some more . Her hips were moving from side to side . I tried to concentrate on the song but that made it worse . I was so frustrated . Bella was touching herself between her legs and moving her body to the beat . I was no longer myself . I was bucking into thin air and making the most god - awful noises known to man . Bella backed her ass up to my lap , grinding onto my rock hard cock as she sang along with the song . She turned around slowly and stripped off the bikini top . I watched her in awe . She licked her lips and pulled my head down to her breasts . She put one of her nipples in my mouth . I sucked on it like it was my last supper . Bella lifted my chin and kissed me on the lips , her mouth wandering past my jaw to my earlobe . She bit down hard . I cried out . The song was almost over and Bella was now topless . I was in fucking heat . I couldn 't form one coherent thought - - all I knew was that I wanted my babydoll 's pussy . I wanted to lick her until she couldn 't move . I could smell her arousal mixed with her other strawberry and flower scent . I knew she would be wet as a fucking lake . " I got you breaking into a sweatGot you hot , bothered , and wetYou nasty boyNasty naughty boyNaughty boy " Bella removed her skirt and tossed the hat , letting her hair fall down . She was naked , except for the thigh highs and boots . I almost went into cardiac arrest . I couldn 't see , smell , hear , or talk ; all I could do was feel . I felt her kneel in front of me and unbutton my pants pulling them down . She took my cock out of my boxers , the vibration as she moaned along to the song drove me wild . I was sweating like a goddamned pig at that point . She looked up at me and winked before taking my cock in her mouth . Each time felt better than the last . I wanted to run my fingers through her long silky hair that was sticking to my sweaty thighs . I was so fucking aroused that I knew I wouldn 't ' last long . I didn 't want to last . I wanted a fucking release . Her tongue darted out and stroked the underside of my dick . She lightly scraped her nails across my balls , and I whimpered out loud . She looked up at me for a minute before continuing . She moved her soft hands up and down my shaft as she sucked on the head and took me down her throat . I moaned and bucked my hips until I felt myself hit the back of her throat . Then , I came . I shot load after load of cum down my babydoll 's throat . Her perfect mouth never once left my dick as she swallowed it all greedily . One of her hands accidentally squeezed on my balls at the same time that she sucked on me . I felt myself start to come again . Bella had given me two fucking fantastic orgasms . I heard a pop as my dick left her mouth , and then I must have passed out . I came to a little later . My right hand was free and the key was in the lock . There was a little Post It from Bella telling me she was in the lair . She was going to fucking pay for her surprise . I stripped out of the rest of my clothes and took the elevator upstairs . I couldn 't fucking wait to have my hands on Bella . She dropped her book and turned to look at my nude body . She licked her lips and started to come over to me . I held up my hand to stop her . She looked confused . I picked her up and laid her on the kitchen island . She tried to sit up , but I held her down . I put her wrists behind her back and placed the handcuffs on them . She was scared but aroused . I could see the wetness leaking between her thighs . Whistling like a loon , I went into the living room and grabbed a pillow which I placed under her head . She was trying to protest so I put the blindfold in her mouth . I saw a fresh wave of honey leak from her core ; that let me know she liked a little BDSM . I pulled the thigh highs down her legs and took off her stripper shoes kissing her along the way . I grabbed a jar of fudge from the fridge and put it in the microwave to warm a little . Then I placed the fudge into a gravy bowl and walked over to Bella . She was whimpering and trying to cross her legs to create some friction . I leaned over , kissing her neck and collarbones . The feel of her hard nipples against my chest caused us both to moan . I poured some of the chocolate on her chest and licked it up . I paid special attention to not lick her nipples because I was teasing her . She was squirming and crying out , so I finally gave her what she wanted . I took both nipples into my mouth . I poured more chocolate and sucked and bit until she was crying out through the gag . Next , I put chocolate on her flat creamy stomach . She started writhing , trying to get me to go further down . I bit her pelvic bone and she bucked off of the island . I used one of my arms to hold her down while I poured more fudge . This time , the sauce went into her pussy where it mixed with the wetness that was already there . Growling lightly , I took her nether lips in my mouth and alternated between sucking and licking . Bella 's legs were shaking so hard it looked like she was having a seizure . I poured more fudge and licked into her pussy . She tasted fucking amazing . It was like nothing I ever had before : Ambrosia . My fingers gripped into her hips as I spread her pussy lips wider . Her natural flavor made the chocolate taste more potent . I stuck a finger inside of her sopping pussy and sucked on her clit . Soon , I heard a muffled sound come from her mouth . I added a second finger and she began riding my hand . I licked around her pussy , staying away from where she wanted me most . After awhile , she started shaking , so I put a third finger in and licked her clit several times . She was really bucking now and I knew that she was close . I curled my fingers up until I hit the fleshy tissue inside of her . At the same time , I sucked and then bit her clit . Her legs flew off the table . She came hard , throwing me off of her in the process . Her legs twitched for several minutes while her head thrashed from side to side . I was glad that I 'd added the pillow . Her hair was a mess , and she looked like she had been fucked sideways . When she calmed down , I put the tip of my tongue on her clit again . I began licking her in a rhythm . I pressed her sensitive nub hard while I squeezed her beautiful pink nipples . She immediately came again , screaming her orgasm . I licked up every last drop of her sweet nectar . After that orgasm , I figured we were even . I reached down to undo the handcuffs . I took the gag from her mouth . Bella was completely limp . Her eyes were closed and I could hear a light snore coming from her lips . I couldn 't help but smile . I had fucking exhausted my babydoll . My ego was growing by the minute . I picked her up and carried her to the bathroom . I used the built in seat in the shower to set Bella on so that I could bathe the both of us . She never stirred . I held her body to mine while I washed her hair and her body . I didn 't want her to wake up stuck to the bed sheets so I made sure to get all the chocolate off her body . After we were clean , I put a t - shirt on Bella and carried her to our bed . I just threw on a pair of boxers and climbed in next to her . I pulled her to my chest , and her hand found its way to my heart . I kissed her on the forehead and she sighed . I heard her mumble ' love Edward ' again in her sleep ; I would never get tired of that shit . Looking down at her , my heart swelled with love . I was never going to let anyone hurt her again . She was my fucking life . I needed her like oxygen . With that thought , I pulled her closer to me and drifted off to dreams that undoubtedly would be full of my sexy babydoll . JennJanuary 11 , 2011 at 1 : 06 PM * sigh * They are happy and in love . Too bad James had to show up and screw it all up . I have a feeling he 's going to cause more trouble before he goes away . I died laughing when he called kids shitmakers to Bella . That was greatness . I 'm really surprised Caveward didn 't appear and wonder who the fuck was running the lights and music for Bella 's little dance . ReplyDeletekenzersmomFebruary 3 , 2011 at 7 : 06 PMdamn girl that was F - ing HOT ! ! ! ! james is going to come back and haunt you ! ! ! ReplyDeleteShayJuly 10 , 2012 at 12 : 37 PMOmg goodness that was a mixture of halirious and sexy ! Great chapterReplyDeleteMary SmithSeptember 8 , 2013 at 5 : 47 PMI 'm with Jen . . . I kept waiting for Edward tofreak out about who was running the lightsand sound system ! James is going to be a real thorn in their did , I suspect . ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
" How was the movie dear " his mom asked Ram as she buckled him in the back seat of the car . They had just finished watching a Superhero movie . " It was awesome mom , I will save the world when I grow up " he said beaming with enthusiasm . " I am sure love " she said , smiling back at him as she closed the back door . Raghuveer , Ram 's father was waiting for his son to settle into his seat as he opened the door for his wife to get in . " So Kausalya , our son will become a superhero now ? " he said as she got in . Ram gave a glaring look to his dad as he shouted " Yes dad , I will be the strongest superhero ever ! " , " First you need to drink your milk everyday dear " said his mom . Going by the look on his face Kausalya knew he did not like that . " Raghu it 's already 11 , let 's hurry up " said Kausalya as she started to get worried about the deserted roads and the long distance they had to cover to get home , " No people , no traffic we can reach quickly " Raghuveer replied nonplussed as he drove on . Ram was running behind SUBAHU , the Villain , who in turn was baying for the blood of the innocent people of Krishnanagar . Ram started to gain on SUBAHU as he sped up . But SUBAHU was very fast , laughing and taunting him as he closed in on his prey . Ram used his special jumping prowess to jump high in the air . When SUBAHU turned to mock Ram again , he could not find him and got confused . On turning back to his sheer horror he found RAM right in front of him . He panicked but he was not ready to give up . He used his special weapon BOMB which could blast off the person in front of it . Ram had destroyed all his BOMBs in his last mission and was shocked to see one in SUBAHU 's hand . He laughed as he threw it on Ram . SUBAHU was late in realizing that Ram was too close to him , Ram used his special jump again but it was too late . There was a loud thud as Ram yelled as did SUBAHU … . Ram was in shock . His hand was hurting . He thought he was in his bed as it was what would usually happen . He would fall asleep and his mom or dad would put him in bed . His first thought was he had fallen from his bed ; He wanted to get up but something was stuck . It was pitch dark as he opened his eyes , he was still seated in the back seat of their car . His belt buckle was stuck and he struggled to remove it . He cried out for his mom as he was hurt . His vision was blurred and the inside of the car was completely dark . He could see a light far away which was street light he guessed . He somehow managed to open the belt buckle . His side of the door was a little open . His dad 's head was on the steering wheel . He could not make out much . He tried to wake his dad up , he shouted for help but received no response from anywhere . He started crying " mummy , please wake up " . He managed to open the door , got down , and tried opening the front door . But he could not . He was experiencing pain in his knees , elbow and he could not say from where the blood was gushing out . He saw that their car was stuck to a side of the building . He observed that a guy was sleeping in the middle of the road . He was still crying . He wanted to go to his mom 's side and open that door as well . But it was stuck to the building . He went near the guy who was in middle of the road . He could smell the guy from a distance . He saw that whole area was deserted . Now he had stopped crying . His hero instincts started to trigger in . He wanted to save his parents . He had to find someone to get his parents out . There weren 't many buildings around . Few which were there looked closed . He stared towards the only street light that was on the deserted street . With all the pain in his body , he started walking towards it . As he reached there , there were 3 directions he could go . He chose left as there were street lights fully on that road . He could not find any building or people around as he moved ahead . He was having a lot of pain in his head as he looked at various places , trying to find someone . He saw a bike approaching . He shouted " Help , please help ! " The guy on the bike saw him , slowed down a little bit , but did not stop and sped off . He could not understand why the person didn 't want to help him . But he had to move and find someone . Ram was slowing down now . As he took another right turn he saw that there was a small shop and it was open going by the light that was coming out of it . He wanted to run towards it as it was a little far to walk . But as he tried , pain took over and he stopped . He placed his hands on his thighs , took another deep breath and started walking slowly . It was a Tea shop . Ram shouted for help as he was about to reach the shop . The Shop 's name was ' Parmesh Tea Corner ' . Parmesh who usually closed his shop at 12AM was waiting for his friend to arrive . Hearing someone shout at almost 12 : 30AM was a surprise for him . He came out of his shop to see his visitor . Ram was in front of the shop now . He saw a guy standing in front of him . " Please help , there has been an accident , my parents are still in the car , please " he said . . He held guy 's hand and tried to take him there . The guy stopped him and went inside the shop and took his mobile and dialed some numbers . All Ram could hear was " boy alone , some blood " . He was very tired now and could hardly stand . The guy came back and offered him some water to drink . Ram said " Please help me , I need to go help my mom and dad " . The guy replied " My name is Parmesh , please drink some water , we will go in a few minutes " . He made Ram sit on a small bench which was beside the shop . He even took some chocolate from his pocket and gave him . As Ram was drinking water , Parmesh got a call and he went inside the shop again . Three guys came from a narrow pathway near the shop and started towards Ram . They looked scary to him . They were walking towards the shop now . Ram was scared from inside but did not show any signs of fear . One of the guys in the group saw a chain on Ram 's neck . He asked " are you alone boy ? " Ram stood up " Please help me , we met with an accident , my mom and dad are stuck in the car " as he held the glass which was half full . The three started talking among themselves and were about to make a move towards the kid . A bike soon approached the shop . Parmesh who was scared looking at the local goons , had a sudden feeling of relief now . He had called the local inspector Yadunandan . The bike stopped in front of them . Seeing the cop the three guys started walking away . " Hello Inspector , this is the kid I had reported about " said Parmesh pointing towards Ram as he came out of the shop . Yadunandan walked towards Ram . When Ram saw a policeman coming towards him , he said " Help me , my parents are stuck in our car " . " Hi , I am Inspector Yadunandan . Please tell me what has happened ? Can you tell me what you were trying to say to Parmesh " said Yadunandan as he sat on his knees . Ram struggled to recollect what exactly had happened , finally he said " our car has hit a shop and my parents are stuck inside . I tried to wake them up and get them out of car . But I couldn 't " . Yadunandan who just realized the seriousness of the matter asked " Can you take me there ? " Ram nodded . He examined Ram and made sure that he had no major injuries . He took out his phone as he held the kid 's hand ; He called someone " Possible accident , a male and female stuck inside the car , on my route there . Yes near to the Parmesh tea shop on Shyamnagar circle . " " Parmesh you come along . Close the shop , quick " said Yadunandan . Yadunandan and Ram left on his bike towards the accident spot with Parmesh following them . As they started " which way Ram ? " he asked . The kid started to guide them . Yadunandan was shocked to see that kid was guiding them very well even in such bad condition . They had diverted 4 times already and gone about a kilometer . Yadunandan was going slowly giving the kid right amount of time to guide . He saw a car crashed to a shop when they took the last right . He accelerated and reached there quickly . " What 's your name ? " he asked the kid as they got down . " Ram " replied the kid . He saw that a guy had fallen in middle of the road . He went to inspect the guy and told Parmesh to check on Ram 's Parents . As he reached near the body it was evident that the guy was drunk . He took his phone " Accident opposite Kubera Jeweler in Shyamnagar , need immediate attention " . He turned the body and confirmed that the guy was ok and he was just totally drunk . Parmesh was able to open the Driver 's door as it was facing the road . He slowly removed the buckle and very carefully brought him out . " They might have taken this left turn and as they saw there was a guy in middle of the road , he might have tried to avoid him and crashed into the shop " said Yadunandan after a quick inspection . They heard the ambulance siren and soon an ambulance approached them . Ram was injured badly . His followers had taken him to a nearby hospital . When Ram was fully awake " Where is SUBAHU ? " he asked . One of his followers replied " He was injured too , but he escaped " . Ram got up from his bed . Everyone wanted him to rest but Ram took off from there . SUBAHU was injured and Ram wanted a solution to this as quickly as possible . But recently when Ram had gone to seek the guidance of his teacher Vishwamitra , He remembered his master saying " None are born bad , situations in our lives bring out the good or bad in us " . So Ram started to wonder why SUBAHU was bad . With the help of his brother Lakshman he found out that SUBAHU was a scientist and was devoted to his country . But when he came to know that Krishnanagar people had his mother Tataki and brother Maaricha arrested , he turned into a terrorist . Lakshman brought more info on Tataki and Maaricha 's death which proved that they were cheating and harassing people of Krishnanagar . Their death was accidental as well and people had nothing to do with their death . Moreover people were still in doubt of Maaricha 's death as his body was never found . With all this info Ram goes in search of SUBAHU . When Ram finds SUBAHU , he talks to him with all the facts in hand . But soon Ram realizes that SUBAHU has been taken over by evil and nothing can be undone . Ram calls for Battle of Arrows till death . SUBAHU knew Ram was the best archer in the world but still he agrees to the battle as he had his own cunning plans to defeat Ram . The battle takes place in Open grounds of Tatakaranya . Ram pleads to Subahu , " SUBAHU please listen to me , I do not want to kill you . You are mistaken about the death of your mother and brother " . SUBAHU interrupts him " Ram stop giving these talks . Do not try to talk about the dos and don ' ts as you are here to kill me . This hurts Ram . He was there to fight but deep down he does not want SUBAHU dead but the bad in him . He recognized the power of love that could remove the hatred in people . He remembered the power of good to remove the bad . " Remember Ram everything can be won with good and love " he remembered the words of Vishwamitra . The Battle started . SUBAHU was striking arrows in regular intervals . The arrows looked different and bigger . Ram realized they might blast . He made a special jump and escaped . As he jumped he sent few arrows towards SUBAHU . People who had come to watch the battle roared as they saw Ram sending arrows towards SUBAHU . Few of the arrows hit SUBAHU . But it did not hurt him at all . He was confused with the outcome , so were people . The battle continued as SUBAHU used various tricky arrows which were easily dodged by Ram . Ram 's arrows hit SUBAHU every time but nothing happened to him from outside . SUBAHU was unhurt from outside , but within something was changing him . He was getting weaker . Soon SUBAHU collapsed as an arrow from Ram hit his heart . Ram ran towards SUBAHU . " What are you doing to me , why am I feeling as I have been wrong all along ? " Ram smiled at him . " What is this feeling ? " he continued . People had surrounded Ram now . " That 's love and kindness my friend " said Ram . Hearing the word friend from his enemy made SUBAHU cry . People chanted Ram 's name on seeing his big heartedness . " Ram , Ram " Ram could hear his mom 's voice . Even though he was conscious now , he was struggling to open his eyes . He felt as his mom leave the room as he slowly opened his eyes . He heard the door open . He saw Inspector Yadunandan come in " Hi I was the inspector who got you and your family here , can you explain the events if you are ok now ? " Yadunandan said . Kausalya nodded " we were coming back from theatre . On one of the turns we saw a guy coming right in front of the car . Raghu tried to avoid him and hit the shop nearby . When I woke up I was in bed . " She said . " Ya he was some drunk . He hit his head when he fell on the road . We have got him to the hospital as well . He was completely drunk and in no condition to walk . Your Husband did a great job avoiding him , but I guess he lost control in the process " . " How is Raghu ? Did doctors say anything ? " she asked . " Yes , he is fine , they are operating on him . Doctors are hoping he will be fine in a few days . " After a pause he continued " Your son is amazing , he walked for about a kilometer to get help in that condition " he said as he turned to see Ram . Ram smiled as they both turned towards him . He slowly tried to get up . He sat on his bed and said " Mom I want to see Dad " . Kausalya came and sat beside him . " He is in a special room Ram , we can see him later " she said . " Please mom " he said . " Why don 't you walk him out and show around " Yadunandan said . Ram got down from his bed as he saw that his mom was bandaged on her head and hand . He himself was covered with a few bandages of his own . " He needs proper rest inspector " Said Kausalya . " I am fine mom " Ram said as he got down . She shook her head and started walking towards the door as Ram followed her . They went to the corridor . Ram held his mom 's hand as they walked towards ICU to have a check on his Dad . " Why was that guy so drunk and what was he doing on the road ? " asked Ram . Kausalya was about to say something when Yadunandan who was behind said " He is very poor and he is having a lot of issues Ram and these kind of people always think drinking will make their problem disappear . " Ram stopped walking as he turned back and said with a smile " Mom says being good , showing kindness and love towards people will always keep people happy " . Yadunandan smiled at the child 's innocence . Kausalya smiled too . They reached the ICU door . As Kausalya opened the door and was about to enter , Ram stopped and turned once again towards the inspector to ask " What is the guy 's name ? " " Oh ! Its Subahu " said Inspector Yadunandan … . . Posted in Stories 7 Comments A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people . This blog was viewed about 580 times in 2014 . If it were a cable car , it would take about 10 trips to carry that many people . When he was born his cry was perfect . His cry gave away smiles in the hospital like never before . The Nurses who saw him called him the perfect one . His father 's joy knew no bounds when he held him for the first time . His mother smiled like never before when she set her eyes on him . From the day he came into this world , he was termed as Perfect . Parents found it very difficult to name him . He grew more handsome and showed intelligence that belied his age . His walk was perfect . Finally they named him Krishna after Lord Krishna the Hindu God . He grew up doing everything perfectly . He excelled in every field . Though he was getting tired of everyone telling him how perfect he was , he started to get arrogant about it by the time he was 16 . Krishna 's friends envied him but still acted as if they were his best friends . He knew this but could not care less . As he grew old he became lonely . When he was 20 his so called friends started to feel so insecure that they tried to avoid him . Everyone started to have girlfriends . Each girl wanted to be his girlfriend but because of insecurity they avoided him too . Moreover he was looking for a perfect girl to match his perfection . At the age of 26 he started working for his dad , helping him with the family business . His parents had started looking for a suitable bride . He had rejected a few proposals and he got rejected by a few of them as they felt insecure . One night Krishna went to his dad " Dad , I would like to take care of the other site we have . I badly need a break from this city . " The site was in the other end of the country . His Dad considered for long and reluctantly agreed . When he was in the plane that would take him to his new place , he saw the clouds , plains below . He was amazed by their naturally perfect beauty . " Everybody wanted to be him . All would just look at him as if he was next to God . But is there a need to be perfect ? People don 't realize they are perfect in their own way . They really don 't realize it . Every child 's first cry is perfect not just his . A little one fighting for that extra piece of chocolate is perfect . A young student studying hard to attain success is perfect . A sportsperson working hard to reach his goal is perfect . A person trying to keep his family happy is perfect . A crow sitting on the branch of a tree and gazing around is perfect ! It all depends on the view a person has . " Flight attendant woke him up as it was time to land . He never realized he was asleep . The thoughts were still strong in his mind . It changed his whole perspective on life . As he turned round the corner , another bike came from nowhere in front of him . As they tried to avoid each other they collided . Krishna fell and his head hit the road , it was just a minor fall as he just had a small cut on his face . He was worried about the other person . " Oh my bike ! I had got it ready perfectly " Krishna heard a voice . As he stood up . . " Oh No … my bike , OMG look at my face … " she said looking in the mirror . As Krishna faced to look at her , He saw a tag hanging around her neck , It had ' Radha ' on it . He had a bruise on his face but it did not matter to him . He was not even hearing what she was telling anymore , just staring at her . Radha was still shouting at him . As soon as she saw him , she stood still . Both were looking at each other as if they had eyes only for the other . A smile flashed across their faces as Krishna said " Perfect " . Life we live is perfect . Every moment in our life is important as each of this moment becomes memory the very next second . Make every memory a Perfect One … Take care . " Daddy why aren 't there any angels in this world anymore ? " asked the little girl . " You are an angel , love " Daddy smiled . The girl was in bed ; Daddy covered her with the bedspread and kissed her forehead " Good night , my dear " . " I am not sleepy , daddy . Tell me why there are no more angels ? " she asked . He was walking towards the door , but turned to see back to see his daughter , with a question on her face . " I heard you talking to mommy regarding angels , you were saying something stopped angels " she said . Dad smiled and came back to sit beside her . " You heard that ? " He asked . She nodded saying yes . " Once upon a time there were millions of being called Grounders . These beings stood on their ground and prayed for the angels to come to earth " Dad began . " Grounder is a funny name daddy ? " she interrupted . " Please do not interrupt me . Don 't you want to hear the full story ? " She nodded , he continued . " These Grounders would stand throughout their life , so that other BEINGS would also have a good life . " Dad was explaining with his hand movements and expressions suitable to the words he was putting across . His daughter was enjoying it . " When the time came for the angels to come down , these Grounders would nod and be happy ; some would even lose their life ! " Girl 's head was moving with the movements of her dad 's hands and her expressions changing with his . " As the angels came to earth , their touch brought happiness to all the BEINGS . Grounders would pray for a good year ahead and would remember the ones who died . Grounders helped other beings in many other ways as well . Seeing this other BEINGS wanted to take advantage of these Grounders because of their innocence . They wanted to use Grounders for their own benefit . The BEINGS started to kill the Grounders for their own advantage . Grounders were helpless as they never gave up their stand but they didn 't object either . They sacrificed their life with no hesitation or agitation . " Girl could see the pain in her dad 's eyes as he narrated this . " Angels saw these developments and with the decrease of the Grounders their arrival also became limited . One fine day there were no Grounders left and soon angels stopped coming and the ones who were already here , disappeared . When the BEINGS realized that angels weren 't coming and their survival was also in question , they with the best of their ability tried all they could to get angels back . When they failed to do so , they tried to recreate angels but never came close to . Soon after , they started trying to recreate Grounders as well but the result was the same , failure ! So angels never came after that and the BEINGS are still trying to find a solution as their race is on the verge of the extinction . " Dad ended the story . He made a sad face as he arranged the bedspread properly . " Will angels come again daddy ? " the little girl asked as she prepared to sleep . As he was walking towards the door he saw the artificial tree made by his own BEINGS outside the window which would never succeed in getting the water his race needed badly . " I am sure they will , they surely don 't want to miss seeing you my love " . She smiled for that and closed her eyes to fall asleep . It was a Saturday . One of my days off ; I had promised my manager a poem for the next issue of the Office magazine . The submission was 5 days away and I had not started working on it yet . I was still in bed thinking about it when I heard Mom calling me for breakfast . I thought it was for Sandhya , my sister . She is studying in her final year of engineering and has classes only on Friday and Saturday and rest of the days for project work which I was helping her out with . I got up from bed finished my morning chores . I felt like taking a bath , took my towel and went to the bathroom . I heard the bell ring as I went inside the bathroom . I was still in bath towel around my waist when I came out of bathroom . I heard a knock and next moment I saw Sandhya coming in " Bro need that Chetan Bhagat Book " she turned around as her friend too came in , " which one Pooja ? " she continued . I ran into bathroom bellowing " For god sake wait for my permission to come into the room ! " . Sandhya had a big laugh about it . I asked them to come after a few min . After 15 min they both came in , Sandhya was still laughing . " You in seeing condition ! " . I was totally pissed . I had a crush on Pooja and was wondering what she was thinking . " So which book ? ' i asked , " I wanted Five point someone " replied Pooja . " It 's a good book " I replied to her with a smile . I had a whole rack filled with books . I thought it was among top two shelves but it wasn 't there . I realized it might be in the bags from my engineering days as I had read it at that time . Mom interrupted " Raghu , come have your breakfast its getting cold . " " your classes start by 11 right ? " I asked , they both nodded saying yes . " It 's almost 9 now , will find and give it you before you guys leave " I told to Pooja . " ok , fine " replied Sandhya . Pooja smiled as she closed the door behind her . Her eyes were gorgeous … A poem was already ringing in my head . I took a sheet and pen along with me to the dining table . Started writing as mom brought the breakfast . " So what did you think of the conversation we had yesterday ? " I am 27 and parents have been chasing me to get married . I was trying my best to avoid . Seeing my silence she continued " If you have someone in mind let us know . " I continued my silence and finished my breakfast as soon as possible . Saw Sandhya and Pooja coming towards the dining room . " I will find it and give it to you " I smiled . Sandhya made a face as Pooja smiled . Few more words fell out of my head ! I wrote them in the sheet after I came back to room . I opened couple of my college bags and found the book . As it was already late , I heard Sandhya shouting " Are you sleeping again ? " , I went out of my room and handed it to Pooja . She kept it inside her bag and then they both left . I finished my poem , kept it over the desk . Had lunch and then left to see friends . Around 7PM I got a call from Mom . I could hear her smiling as I answered . " why didn 't you tell me you like Pooja in the morning itself ? Her parents are here to talk about the marriage . It seems even they saw the poem you wrote for her . Dad and I are both ok about it , So chill . Come home they will be staying for dinner . " She cut the call . I could not believe what just had happened . I said bye to my friends and just left from there . They looked puzzled but I was more puzzled than them to explain anything ! I got to the bike trying to still make sense of what just happened . I rode back to home . As I was riding I realized what had happened . I reached my home . Sandhya was talking on mobile in the corridor . She cut the call seeing me . " You could have at least told me Bro , I can 't believe … " before she would continue I placed my hand covering her face and said " Listen I agree I have a Crush on her . . " I told her what I had realized on the way . " Oh , shit . What are we gonna do ? " she replied . " I need to talk to her , Sandy , alone " I replied . " Bro she likes you and now thinking about it , you two would look good together " she smiled . " I need to talk to her " I said and we both went in . Pooja 's parents were sitting along with my parents completely immersed in discussions . All looked happy . As soon as I came in Pooja saw me , she had shyness in her face and she looked very cute with the smile . Her father said " Raghu , your poem was fantastic " . I couldn 't believe that were the first words from her Dad ! Everybody laughed . All I could manage was " Thank you " . They gave a lecture about life , love in general . They said they were cool with what had happened . As both knew each other 's family they readily agreed for the marriage . I was silent the whole time . After a lot of thinking " Can I speak to Pooja alone ? " I asked . They all laughed at me . " Sure . Is that why you were silent the whole time ? Shy to speak to your girl in front of us , only through letters huh ! ! " my mom said . Everybody started to laugh again . I didn 't know how to react to that . I saw Pooja , got up from my chair and started walking towards my room , she followed . Once we were In I took a deep breath . She sat on my chair beside the desk and turned facing me . Before I could say anything " That poem was amazing , I loved each and every line of it . After reading that poem I fell completely for you . My parents … . " She stopped and looked at me . I don 't know what expression I was giving , she said " sorry , you wanted to say something " she said . At that moment i realized i liked to listen to her . I smiled and said " go on complete what you want to say " . " My parents took that letter as I was reading it . Once they came to know it was you who had written it , they just talked to your parents and we are all here now . My mom likes you . She readily agreed to get me married off to you . " She said with her face down smiling . " Listen , I wanted to say something " she faced me again . Her smile made it hard for me to say , but I had to " That poem it was not about you . I was close to a girl when I was doing engineering . I had written it for her . When I gave it to her , She asked me what it was , I told her it was my love letter for her . She threw the sheet without even looking at it . I didn 't even listen what she was saying after that . I Just took the letter and ran from there . I was hurt very bad . I had placed the letter in the book and didn 't remember it was actually there ! " . Pooja was shocked , I could make out from her face . She stood there . She had tears on her face . I don 't know why but it hurt me seeing her like that . I have no idea from where I got that courage . I made her look back at me . " Look at me . That 's past . I had forgotten about it . I do have a crush on you . But now I feel it 's something more as well " she looked at me , but this time it was different . I took her hand and brought it near to my heart " If you are ok with my past , I would love to spend my future with you . . I think I am falling in love with you " . She fell to my chest . I hugged her tight . She Looked at me and said softly " I want a poem first , will you write one just for me . " The room was dark . You open your eyes for a bit and close again . You hear a voice and start feeling that the God is trying to wake you up . God whispers " Find the key to unlock the door and get out of the room " . You are unable to understand what is happening and by the time you wake up , you realize you are indeed in a dark room with no light . You see a faint light coming from beneath the door . You try to peak through but will not see anything . You try to open the door but it is locked . Now you realize the words you heard in sleep . You start screaming for help but will not get any response . Finally you decide you will search for the key . But there is one problem , you have no idea how big the room is or what it contains inside . You start searching , come across a lot of stuff , of which you couldn 't make sense of . After hours of searching you end up with no clue of the key with complete darkness around you . You start feeling it 's impossible to find the key in this big room . So you decide to search for a source of light , source which could help you find the key with more ease . You start moving around the walls trying to find a switch . When you cannot find it , you think of the objects you had touched and try to remember whether any of them would be a lighter , a torch or something . You fail in it as well . Time moves on , you start to feel weak . You think of breaking the door now . So start taking the objects and try to break the door but with no success . You try various solutions and the search continues further and further …… In the end you will be very weak , unable to get up . You finally call God for help . Ask him to help you with the solution . You hear a voice " Search your pockets " . Nobody was at the stop as it was a public holiday . An auto rickshaw came by asking where I wanted to go , I shook my head as I did not want his service . Couple of non - ac buses passed by , but I did not want to go in them as my office was around an hour away from where I used to stay . Just then my phone started to ring ' travelling lady , stay awhile , Until the night is over . I 'm just a station on your way ; I know I 'm not your lover ' a Leonard Cohen Winter Lady song . Last night I had changed to this ringtone for someone , so I knew who exactly was calling . I just cut the call and put it in silent mode . Another non ac bus was approaching and I thought I would go in it as I had waited quite a lot for my preferred AC bus to come . As I got into the bus most of the seats were taken and luckily one window seat was up for grabs . As I sat down , the conductor came asking me for my destination . As I bought my ticket , I felt my mobile vibrating . It was Rhea calling and so I promptly cut the call . Last night , we had gone to eat outside . My girlfriend of 5 years had broken up with me last night without giving me a valid reason . I asked her for an explanation for which I didn 't get an answer . I even tried to convince her otherwise , but to no avail . Two stops had passed by as I thought about last night . A guy was sitting next to me . He started to talk rudely in a loud tone on his mobile . An AC bus passed us by and this in a nutshell summed up the day that I was having . My thoughts drifted back to last night … I was trying to drown my sorrows in alcohol …… . as I was interrupted again ; my phone rang ' I 'll be your dream , I 'll be your wish I 'll be your fantasy . I 'll be your hope , I 'll be your love be everything that you need ' a Savage Garden Song . It was her , I just cut the call changed the ringtone for her and switched off my mobile . The guy was still talking loudly on the phone . Just then a lady got into the bus , she was holding a baby . Maybe he was around two to three years old . As she stood I started to think whether to give my seat or not . As I did not want to leave my seat , I was half expecting someone else give up theirs . All of a sudden the guy next to me got up and called the lady and asked her to take his seat . It made me think that how often we come to conclusions about someone without thinking much and let our prejudices get the better of us time and again . The Lady sat next to me , with the kid in her arms . He was looking around ; asking lots of questions and his mom was trying her best to answer everything . By just looking at the kid 's curiosity and cuteness I had forgotten my sadness . He made an angry face as I looked at him and smiled ; he gave me a stare and then suddenly turned and hugged his mother . I asked him his name . He shook his head saying no and started to stare at me . I couldn 't control and started to laugh . I told his mother that she had a very cute son which made her smile . My mobile had a message from Rhea . I was thinking whether to read it or not . The lady asked whether I was ok , guess she saw some sadness in my face . I smiled as I put my mobile back in my pocket and said that I was ok . Just then there was a huge braking and the bus started to compress . At that second , all I could think was saving the kid 's life as he had just started seeing this world . I felt I had experienced everything ! I tried my best to cover the kid and the mother in that fraction of second . Something hit my back , my left hand which was covering them both . Something hit my head and my eyes started to close . I felt severe pain in my head when I regained consciousness as I realized that I was in a hospital . As I opened my eyes completely I saw the kid and the mother were sitting near my bed . The Lady had a bandage in her forehead . A man was right next to them . I realized it must be the kid 's father . He thanked me for saving his family 's life . I just smiled and started to move my left hand trying to say no big issues but realized that I was not able to move it . I wanted to see where I was hurt . I saw Rhea on the other side sitting beside me crying . The Lady said that after the accident my phone was ringing and she informed Rhea about the accident . I turned to Rhea and tried to say something , even though I was angry at her I could say nothing . She just brought her fingers to my lips . She said she was wrong yesterday , that she loves me a lot . She even opened my mobile showing me a page long text that she had sent me about why she broke up yesterday . I said I love you ; she replied I love you too and kissed me on the chin . It was Friday and I was waiting for the bus . It 's about 4hr journey to my home . Two days of holiday awaited me ahead . All I could think was to reach home and eat some good food prepared by mom . I stay in an apartment with couple of friends and go home during weekends . Had booked my ticket a day before and was waiting for the bus . While booking ticket I had seen that almost 70 % seats were empty and I had selected a seat very back but not the backmost seat . I was carrying a bag containing my clothes that needed to be washed and a novel . i hardly wash clothes as there was no washing machine in our apartment and it had to be done manually ! ! ! So I always wash the necessity ones and rest to home every week . A bus arrived at the station for the fourth time and finally it was the bus I had to catch . Took the bag and got on to the bus . Few seats were already occupied . I sat on the seat for which I had booked my ticket . As I sat I realized there was none behind me . There are compartments on top of the seats for keeping luggage , I kept mine on the compartment which was above my seat and sat beside window . Bus started and my journey began . Always during a journey in bus I tend to attract sleep and this journey was no special as I soon started to fall asleep . After a while I was awake and noticed that bus had stopped in a bus stop and people were getting on to the bus . Empty seats were still in plenty in front of me . Few got occupied but none behind me . Finally bus started and a guy hopped into the bus . He had headphones and was listening to the songs . He took his wallet from his jeans pocket , took some cash and gave it to the conductor . Once he was done with collecting ticket , he slowly moved towards me . He was shaking his head to the mood of the song he was listening I guess . He almost started dancing and people in the bus were amazed by looking at him . He even started to sing as he sat beside me . He gave me a smile put the luggage on top maybe right next to mine as I couldn 't see . I told him not to sing as I was trying to sleep and even others in the bus were getting annoyed . He gave a thumbs up . Though he stopped singing he was doing all kinds of crazy actions . I was slowly drifting to sleep . Not more than a minute I was woken by the guy next to me . He was trying to take something from his bag and fell over me . He apologized and I just nodded . Saw my watch and realized only half of the journey was completed and still half way to go and the guy next to me was making me crazy … . I analyzed him , long curly hairs , slim as Bruce Lee … . White T - shirt with ' I am the best ' written on it . I wondered what might he be best at ! ! ! His pants were a bit torn in both sides at knee level ' STYLE ' I suppose . He was done searching his luggage and was back in his seat . Sleeping wasn 't a good idea anymore . I had my earphones in my pocket . Connected it to my mobile and started listening to the songs that were loaded in it but with very low volume . The guy had an apple in his hand . He started eating it but his head was still nodding , also moving his hands and legs . Though he was enjoying what he was doing , rest of us found it funny . I even noticed the people in front cracking jokes about him . His actions made me think of mental hospital . As soon as he was done with the apple , he got up again , took his time and this time he had tissues and a bottle of water from his bag . He looked at me as he came back to seat . " I always come prepared for everything on a trip , people must be ready to face any kind of problems they going to face . I am always ready for my worst day " he was literally shouting as he said that . All the people stared at him and he didn 't give a shit , he actually smiled at them . They all sat back in their seats . He offered me water and I declined … " Hi I am Ranvijay … " , I was shocked to hear that as he moved forward his hand to shake mine , " I am Ranvijay " I said . Cool was all he said . He was about to say something when his mobile rang . It had a very unusual song as ringtone . I started to wonder what kind of person he is ! ! ! ! " Hi mom , yes I am on my way … I will reach in an hour … had good collection … bag is full and have a big surprise for you … . Yes a surprise ! ! ! Ok Okay , see you in few and mom chapathis were awesome … " After hearing that conversation all I could say was what the hell was this guy , maybe an adventurer who loves to travel and explore stuff . Even an elderly woman in front of me was amazed ! ! ! He got up with the bottle started to work on his bag again . . I put on my ear phones and started to listen music . Few minutes later he was back in seat again . This time a letter and pen in his hand . He started to write in it . I tried to look as he folded it saying " its for a special friend and you cant look . Its not a good habit to look into someone else 's letter , only a person who deserve to look gets to see the letter and if you are deserving enough you will get to see too " I tried to stop him in middle couple of times but no use . I did not get a word what he was saying . " ok man , chill " I said . He continued to write , I didn 't even look at him . surely was not ready for another lecture . Three hours of journey was done , few had started to get down in their destination . Mr . Crazy guy had kept the letter up in his bag after he was done with it . " Life is full of twist and turns , one time you thing everything is great and the next second you realize everything is nil " " Are you an adventurer ? ? " I asked " A sort of , I like to take risk " he smiled . He got up again , " its time my friend , I will be going , hope we will never meet again " " why so ? ? ? " " Always want to watch new faces my friend , with new faces we get new experiences ! ! " " Wow , goodbye then Mr . ranvijay " I shook his hand and he winked as I said that … He took his luggage from compartment above and got down the bus shaking his head with music singing in his ears . Another half an hour and I would be in my hometown . The guy I met was strange with full of adrenaline and adventure filled in him but very crazy with philosophical touch . What kind of job would he be doing was all I could think . But it was time for fun weekend . . My stop had come . The lady in front of me was snoring . I took my bag and got down , breathing the feel of hometown . Suddenly I felt that my bag was light ! ! ! Opened the zip of the bag and saw that half of my clothes , the novel were missing . When I saw my pant pockets my wallet was also gone . It had about two grand money in it . I searched the bag again , saw a letter which was for me , a special friend ! ! ! My heart was pounding , was in complete shock , everything he said came to my mind " How fun can completely turn into sadness in a second , meeting new people … . " Slowly opened the letter which was written for me ………… . . My name is surely not your name but really nice name though . See you finely deserved to see this letter . I hope I entertained you well and taking whatever i possibly can . Also thank the old lady for a beautiful dress , my mom will love it . Be careful next time …… . . I closed the letter put it back in the bag . The day was ruined but not anymore I told myself . Went and complained in police station , called the bank and blocked both my credit and debit card . Later went home to enjoy the weekend as I intended to … but the day would be remembered as There were two partners running a business , what business ? I don 't care … lets name them ' A ' and ' b ' married to ' a ' and ' B ' respectively ! ' a ' comes to know that ' A ' has cheated on her with ' B ' and cheats ' A ' with ' b ' . ' A ' loves ' a ' but ' a ' falls for ' b ' . ' a ' plans with ' b ' to kill ' B ' using ' A ' . One night ' A ' with bloody knife in his hand comes home . Now ' a ' seeing her husband with blood coated knife takes the knife from his hand and puts it in a case . ' A ' comes and hugs ' a ' saying he did this for her , only to realize that knife is In his back . He dies in ' a 's arms saying I didn 't cheat … . after hearing ' a ' say , ' a ' gets fully confused but still takes the knife and goes in search of ' b ' . ' a ' sees from distance that ' b ' is with ' B ' . This makes her realize that it was all a plot made by ' b ' and ' B ' to destroy her life for money ! Realizing the things she did she takes the knife and pierces it through her heart to meet her husband in another world … . Raghu knew when he opened the door that it was not going to end well . Rajiv was standing at his doorstep , pointing the gun right in his face , " Why ? " he asked Rajiv . " We might have been friends but you knew that it was not going to end well , didn 't you ? ? " Rajiv asked . " Yes " Raghu replied . " You knew only one of us would survive and walk out from here and did you think as in the movies it would be the good guy ? ? " Rajiv laughed . Raghu was silent . He was scared , but he wanted Rajiv to change his mind and give up on whatever he was doing . " Listen to me Rajiv , we can sort this out … . " " No Raghu I am not going to jail and you can 't stay in this world , God might have created us but I am your GOD now , your life is in my hands and it 's going to end now , also I have made sure that she will be mine " Rajiv smiled . " Noooo …… . . " was all Raghu could say as Rajiv had already pulled the trigger . Shot straight into the face . Rajiv checked Raghu 's pulse to make sure Raghu was indeed dead . Rohan completed the last lines of his novel . He was not completely satisfied with the last chapter that he wrote . He thought he would look into it later in the night . His son came to him , " Dad why do bad guys win in all your novels ? " Rohan thought of how some of his writings would make young minds think like the bad guys of his novels , he had always felt it was his will to write anything he wanted , but could not control how people started thinking after reading it . " Son , it 's just fiction , you must not worry about this stuff and who told you only bad guys win in my novels ? " " My classmates ! " , " Don 't listen to them ok ? ? " " Ok " his son replied . " Good boy , now go play " . The kid ran downstairs . " Dear , lunch is ready , " his wife called from downstairs . Rohan was thinking of how he could create and destroy someone 's life in his book and the impact it had on people 's minds , so much so that it made him the GOD . He smiled at that thought . " Coming honey " he said . He slowly got up from his chair … . " I should have never given these fools the power to think and create what they want . They are misusing these gifts which I have given to no other creature but them " , God thought to himself . He still had control over them . All he had to do was write in his book what he wanted to do , but the control was on the actions and not the minds of people . Rohan slowly got up from his chair , thinking that another one of his novels was on its way to become a bestseller . He closed the door and started to climb down the stairs . He started asking " Honey what do we , ahhhhh ……… . " , Rohan had slipped on a small toy that was lying on the stairs . When he reached the bottom of the stairs rolling , he had broken his back and hand . His wife came running and helped him to get up . His son was in a shock not knowing what to do . Next God started to write - helping the people in need … . His son came and asked " Daddy , when will I be writing in this book ? Can I write now ? " " You are just a kid , living creatures are not meant for playing or having fun with , you need to go to school and work hard , after seeing your marks I will think and decide ! ! ! ! " , replied God , " But daddy my friend has written in his daddy 's book " , " Yes I know son , your friend 's dad had to look after the planet Pandora and because of him Pandora almost got destroyed . I don 't want you destroying earth ! ! Now go play outside and try to keep your toys in place " . As the kid walked away sadly , " I will come and check on you in a while , " his dad said . Every one of us is God in our own way . We have got powers that no other creature has got , ' the power of thinking ' . It 's up to us , how we use our powers for the good and bad . The real God above will act according to it . |
This site is dedicated to logging my life , thoughts , likes and dislikes . Be sure to check out my other sites , which are located in my sidebars with the latest content . I look forward to seeing what you have to say in the comments . I hope that this site will be an encouragement , a wealth of information and a comfort to those who read it . Thank you for coming by and be sure to leave a comment . Tweet DreamsVIDEO : Inspired to Greatness ! Watch ThisWhat Does Your Internal Music Sound Like ? Blogs Listed by Myers - Briggs TypologyIf What You See is What You Get - What do You See ? Getting More By Wanting LessIf You Don 't Stand For Something . . . ( Part 2 ) If You Don 't Stand For Something . . . ( Part 1 ) Myanmar Cyclone - Worst Disaster Since Indonesian TsunamiFlickr Widget Code I Will Rest In YouIt has been a long time since I was able to post here and recently was encouraged to start posting again . I will start by posting a video for those who are battle weary from the spiritual onslaught going on during these last days . Be encouraged , replenished , and comforted … you are not alone . The Word as an Onion Too many merely accept the Word on the surface . They pick and choose this verse or that and build their doctrine out of it . One instance for example is that in regard to adultery . God 's Word says that you should not commit adultery ; wherefore , those who have not slept with someone outside of their [ … ] 40 Days of Challenge - Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone40 Days of Challenge Day 6 Positive Practices and the Danger Zone Positive Practices Philippians 2 : 14 ( KJV ) " Do all things without murmurings ( grumbling ) and disputings " Have you ever found yourself making an effort to go out of your way for someone only to find that they respond without [ … ] 40 Days of Challenge - Day 5 Dare to be Different40 Days of Challenge Day 5 Dare to be Different The Post - It Challenge Jeremiah 29 : 11 ( KJV ) " For I know the thoughts that I think toward you , saith the Lord , thoughts of peace , and not of evil ( calamity ) , to give you an expected end ( a future and a hope ) . " Isaiah 55 : 11 - 12 ( KJV ) " So shall My [ … ] 40 Days of Challenge - Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness40 Days of Challenge Day 4 Self Control and Thoughtfulness Self Control James 1 : 19 - 20 ( KJV ) " Wherefore , my beloved brethren , let every man be swift to hear , slow to speak , slow to wrath : For the wrath of man worketh not ( does not produce ) the righteousness of God . " Many times in our human relationships , we find [ … ] As I write this , my thoughts wonder to our beloved friend who we will greatly miss named Keani . Keani was our family kitty whom I have had for over 9 years . She passed away early on Sunday , July 5 , 2009 . She was gone before we woke . It has taken all this time for me to be in a place of peace to be able to write this . Keani - Binky was born on March 21 , 2000 to a kitty who couldn 't take care of her . She was taken in by Operation Kindness and cared for by a wonderful lady named Kit . Keani came into my life one day in October 2000 at the Petsmart store when she was just 7 months old . You see , I had another kitty friend named Cuddles who had passed away earlier that year on July 12th that looked just like her . They were both tortoise shell mainecoons . I had Cuddles for 18 . 5 years and life was not the same without a kitty . As soon as I saw Keani , I was drawn to her instantly . I rushed right to her as she huddled into the corner of her cage from the nervousness of the public . You see , she has always been a bit shy . I spoke to Kit about her and Kit handed her to me . As soon as I wrapped her in my arms , she tucked her little kitten face into the crevasse of my arm to hid from those around . I could feel her body tremble and then turn to a purr when I pet her . I knew I just had to have her in my life . So , I filled out all of the paperwork and went through the interview process … then home with me she came . I remember it took about 2 weeks to get her to come out from under my bed . I would sit on top and wait . She would gradually peer out but if she saw anyone else , back under she would go . Eventually , I would find that she was a tagger . I would have to run and jump into bed so that she wouldn 't tag my ankle as I lifted my foot . She was a quick one ! Her favorite toys were straws and paper balls . She could have so much fun with those two things for hours . She also loved to hide my socks , lol . Eventually , I gave her some quilted type slippers that she loved to take around with her . She would carry them in her mouth as she walked through the house , crying as though the slipper was her baby . It was so sweet . She just loved to nestle in the lining of the box springs under the bed . She would tear a small whole into it and climb up and sleep there for hours . She liked that it was like a hammock . Keani also was like a momma kitty to our other kitties . She always watched at a distance when two kitties would be arguing . She would make sure that she knew who was at fault and then go give that one a piece of her mind which normally included a quick whipping to the forehead ( but without her claws ) . It always happened so fast that the other one wouldn 't know what hit them until she was across the room . She kept the peace . I always loved how when a storm was coming , her fur would get all frizzed up . She became a huge fluff - ball . It was adorable . Also , with her around … no insect , bird , etc . could make it past the entryway it came in from . She was quick ! I remember her blowing kisses from across the room and winking at me and Bradley when we would talk to her . When she was small , I use to tell her what a pretty girl she was and she would try to hide her face with her arm as though she got embarrassed . Keani got very sick last September / October and we had to put her on a feeding tube . The doctors never did find out what was wrong with her . We fed her food , water , vitamins and minerals through her tube 2 - 3 times a day . While she was very weak , we would keep her in an enclosed playpen . Then she became strong enough to jump out . Eventually , thanks to God and Science Diet , she began to eat on her own . We were able to take her off the feeding tube and she gained most of her weight back . She was very active and social for months afterward . The night before she passed , on the 4th of July , when we came home … there she was to greet us excitedly . She jumped up on the table and gave kisses . She seemed happy and healthy , so the next day when Bradley found her laying on the tile … he thought nothing of it . A couple hours later when he came downstairs again and she hadn 't moved … he went to check on her but she had already passed . She was laying in front of our fan , which was her favorite thing to do . She loved the fan . We brushed her , took some last photos and wrapped her in a blanket inside a tub . I placed a teddy bear next to her and we sealed her up to be buried . This all hit me very hard and I cried so much the first week that it made me sick . I have a good friend who lost her doggie not long ago and I sent her a poem I found online . Well , she sent it to me after loosing Keani and I would like to share it here . It is hard to read this without crying . Anyway … I know in my heart that she is with Jesus and I will see her again someday . She knows that she was dearly loved . My friend , lets call her " H " , and I have known each other for about 13 years . I spent so much time at her house and her at mine . I always loved when her mom , lets call her " M " , was around . M was always so nice , outgoing and positive . I remember M telling us about dreams she would have about God and heaven . Sadly , the last time that I saw M was at my wedding . M and H both came to my wedding in 2003 . I have seen H through the years but never got to see M . The past year hasn 't been the easiest for them . M was diagnosed with lung cancer and had to have one of her lungs removed and part of her other lung too . Later , they found more cancer in her remaining lung . Well , the cancer transgressed into one of her arteries which caused her to bleed into her lung . She called 911 on Monday when she began to cough up blood . The hospital had to sedate her to put her on a respirator and she has been unconscious since then . The family prayed and decided to remove the respirator today around 4pm . I just received a text message from H around 5pm stating that M was breathing at the moment . So , as of this moment to my knowledge , M is still alive . H said that if M doesn 't make it , then the funeral would be on Thursday . We have been praying and requesting prayer from all of our connections . In the end , God 's will , will be done . I have been racking my brain and praying to try and figure out what exactly to say to H when it is all said and done . I am just not sure . I know that God will give me the right words and / or actions when it is time . Loosing a parent is difficult but I cannot imagine loosing your mother when you are a female . There is a bond there , despite the growing pains that we all experience through the years , that cannot be matched . H is only 29 . One major blessing for H is that she has had this extra time with M to say and do the things they needed to between the first bout with cancer and now . M said that she was very grateful for this time as well . H 's husband just lost his mother about a year ago . They truly have had a rough couple of years . Right now I am thinking about how M always loved doing the " fun " stuff us girls wanted to do . She was great like that . She was the head of her Red Hat Ladies club … it was just like her . Well , please pray for peace for the family and the strength to get through this . They are all Christians , which is a strong comfort in its self . Thank you for reading this and for your prayers . If you would like to leave a comment for H or her family … I will pass them along . PRAISE JESUS ! ! ! She woke up and is breathing on her own . She said that she saw Jesus and that she is going to live ! ! ! Please keep praying ! ! ! During the last week or so , I have been struggling a bit regarding my time here … not here on this site , I mean here on this planet . See , recently my husband and I have been given an opportunity to work together in a new business . This couldn 't come at a better time , however , it has taken up much of our time . I have been struggling over this because I see how our time here is so short . So many things are happening around the world that have been prophesied about throughout the Bible . Well , the other day I was searching through Youtube and as many of you know … you may begin searching for one thing and end up watching all sorts of videos that do not even have anything to do with what you originally searched for . Its like a brain that goes off on a tangent . LOL ! Somehow I ended up on videos that were about people who have died and came back . These individuals were converted to Christianity because of this . These videos drew me in and intrigued me greatly because they described heaven and hell . Well , I found it interesting in some due to their descriptions . Now , I do not know for sure if all of their stories are accurate … but I listened . I began to notice how many of them were talking about seeing " Christians " in hell due to unforgiveness and falling back to the world 's activities , etc . To give you a little history , I had recently written a post on my site regarding whether or not those who practice homosexuality will go in the rapture of the church . This post was brought on by a study that Jack Kelley wrote . After I wrote my article , I received a comment that brought up the question of " Once Saved , Always Saved " . Well , I responded that this was a topic that has been debated throughout the church for a long time and there are many reasons why both sides take up their case for or against this idea . I shared that I would try and write an article covering why some believe this to be in error . I had a few epiphanies during this study and then I came across the video I have included on this page ( site ) . The video is a 58 minute sermon that is completely accurate and extremely convicting . After watching this video , it just made me want to sit in silence and contemplate … then pray . See , I remember a time when I had that much conviction and zeal . Over the years I have been worn down by life and my faith has been tested to the max … and I am sure it will continue to be . I have been missing who I once was in Christ and I am sure that He has been missing me . Sure , I wrote articles to share the truth with any who will listen and I always stand my ground when put in a situation to defend my faith … but true conviction and zeal … its been awhile . This video has cut through all of the glory gumption and gotten right to the heart of the matter , which is exactly where we all need to be in these last days . I am not willing to take the chance that the comfortable laziness I have partaken of in my relationship with Christ might cause me to miss Him all together . So , I challenge you , as I will endeavor to do myself , to reawaken the strongest desires you have had for the Lord and gain the boldness of the warriors we were called to be in the house of the Lord . Time is so short and we may never get a second chance ! If you do not know where to look for the video , I am including it here . I highly encourage you to watch it without distraction … be convicted whole heatedly and make a life altering change for Christ . Please share this video with any you may feel should see it … I am sure there are more who need to see this than you may realize . I have had a hard time today and lately at different times . As many of you know from reading my " About Me " page , I have lost 5 babies . Well , it is difficult during the holidays . Also , I watched a movie tonight that had a young couple loose their baby right after it was born . It was heart wrenching . When I go to Walmart or a department store at the mall , etc . and pass by the baby sections … I have to just look away . Seeing the baby clothes just tears me up inside . We had decorated a nursery in classic pooh , so whenever I see that , I feel like running to the nearest exit . Sometimes - most times , I just feel numb to it all . I suppose that is necessary to continue with life , but other times it just hits me . It normally hits at very inopportune times . Sometimes I am afraid to really let it all out because I feel like I just won 't stop crying . I have had those moments over the years . In the still dark corners of the house , when no one is around … I will weep quietly and pray that the Lord will just wrap His arms around me and comfort me to the very depths of my soul . At times , I feel as though I am shaking from those same depths and all I can do is rock myself like a child . I wonder how it will all end up in the end , in eternity . I know that things don 't work out quite the same as far as being married , having children , etc . but I wonder if there is something for those who couldn 't have children in this life … special . It may not matter once we are there , I 'm sure … but it would be nice . It gives something to look forward to now I suppose . Not having children , leaves you in a separate category in life relationships . There is no relation between you and others who have children . Life changes us one way or another and because of that we draw closer to some and farther away from others because of similarity and such . Then , for a while perhaps , they are a couple without children . This is its own group that is occupied mostly by younger couples in their twenties . Then once they begin having children , it changes their relationship with those who have not had them yet , just as it did with their single friends . However , what happens if you never graduate to that " parent " category ? Your just stuck in limbo with the twenty somethings until they move on . Age and maturity change us as well , so the relative association of the " category " we are in becomes very unique and it is hard to find others to relate to . Bradley and I will never have any children . This is a fact . There are extenuating circumstances that I do not always go into publically , so it is difficult when we receive responses like , " Just give it time " . I know that is a typically generated response because it is an uncomfortable topic and people do not know how else to respond . Sometimes it is just better to say , " I am so sorry to hear that " . I have been feeling a bit strange lately . I haven 't been sure if it was me having panic attacks or something else . It would make sense if it were , however , when it comes upon me … I am not particularly feeling " panic " like . Could it be a subconscious panic attack ? Is that something that is possible ? See , lately … every once in a while , I get all of a sudden , this extremely heavy heart pounding in my chest that I can feel throughout my body . It makes it difficult to breath as normal and at times makes me feel a bit nauseas and a little jittery every once in a while . I know that the first thought would be that it was the start of a heart attack or something . We have this juice called VIBE and it includes all of the needed vitamins and minerals . We gave this to our kitty who was on the feeding tube and she was on her death bed … well , she made a full recovery ! Anyway , I haven 't been able to take it regularly because of money and wanting her to have plenty . I was going to start taking it again but we ran out of orange juice and that is what I drink it with … it is very potent because it is concentrated . So , I am waiting for my sweet hubby to go to the store and get some more so I can have some juice . Hopefully this will help take care of the situation . I have also been watching what I am eating , how much I am eating and how often . I started eating more after the loss of our babies , as a way of comforting myself I suppose . Sometimes out of boredom . Anyway , I gained a little weight from it … not a lot , but on my size frame ( 5 ' 2 ) it seems like more . Some of my pictures you can see on my Flicker , you can tell that I was not really fit as I use to be . Well , I have lost a lot of weight from last year , but I still have some to go for me to be where I would like to be . So , for the past two weeks , I have been trying not to eat so much . I don 't want to be able to eat an entire box of mac - n - cheese by myself . Plus , I don 't want to be hungry 30 minutes after I have eaten . Anyway , I have gotten some soups by Campbell 's that are in microwavable cups and they don 't have as much salt . I figured that I would have cereal for breakfast in a small bowl , then soup or salad for lunch and then a little larger meal for dinner . My plan was to eat dinner sometime between 5pm - 7pm and that could carry me through the night . Well , sometimes I can do this without hesitation and others … especially if I stay up really late and start to get hungry again … it becomes more of a challenge . I am beginning to " control " my stomach , how it feels hungry or not . When I think that I am beginning to feel hungry , first I evaluate the situation . I think to myself … when did I last eat ? I think about the effort to prepare the food and is it worth it , time wise ? Also , sometimes I try drinking water to see if maybe I was just thirsty ( this works sometimes ) . Finally , I think about my worst picture when I was at my heaviest … if I still think that I am hungry , then I try to relax my body … mostly the stomach area , and eat slowly . This allows me not to eat so much and sometimes , relaxing my tummy takes away the hunger . Another thing that I was trying to do , was to exercise . This is my down fall . See , I use to be extremely active growing up . I was in soccer , cheerleading , dance and beyond all of that , I still had more energy than I knew what to do with . I would run , do aerobics , etc . When my mom would say to me , " you should run around the house " because I had too much energy for her … I would ! I remember times when I would lay on my side on the floor and just run , which would make me go around in a circle on the carpet . Funny image , but true ! LOL I can 't seem to be consistent with exercising . I am an over achiever , so I tend to out do myself and then regret it the next day . I get excited to do it , when I watch shows like the Biggest Looser . The dedication amazes me to no end ! Well … that is my weakness . So , I have focused on cleaning our home . Trust me , that in itself is a workout ! This gives me an immediate result that I can enjoy ; plus , it gets me moving . I figure , its a beginning . Once I get it all down , then maybe I won 't dread working out on a regular basis and I won 't regret it later , when I do it . There was this girl at my school . Her and I were pretty good friends … well , in gym class , they would have us run / walk around the gym for 20 minutes every day . Well , I would keep pace with her because she really pushed herself . I was able to do it because I would just focus on her and I wouldn 't think about the fact that I " had " to do it myself … I was just following the leader and pushing myself because I could . There was some sort of competition stance in me with that , but it was a good competition . She taught me how to pace myself with running in that gym . I guess that means that I should do well with exercise tapes or a trainer , LOL . I think that exercise tapes are boring and trainers are too expensive , so what then ? We have a gym in our subdivision but again … I push myself too hard or not hard enough and it seems to become a waste . Hopefully I will figure that part out , but for now … I will continue doing what I am and build up to the other . If any of you have any suggestions , I am open to hearing about them . What has worked for you ? What are your weaknesses that you struggle with ? Have you overcome them ? For this birthday , I almost ended up in the hospital … As you can see by the pictures below , it left a lasting impression ! My birthday was on August 13th and I had a decent day thanks to my husband . The incident which brought on the pics below happened a couple days before it though … Bradley and I were coming home from the store and it was beginning to rain , so I hurried to the back of the car to get our bags from the store out of the trunk . As I was doing this , Bradley said " Ow " because he had hit his knee on the door as he was trying to get out of the car . I felt bad so I wanted to hurry even faster so that he wouldn 't have to be in the rain any longer than he might have been otherwise . Well , this was to my detriment . As I opened the trunk , the door flew upward quite fast and as I was beginning to lean in to grab the bags it started its decent . Luckily , I noticed it was coming down though not quick enough because I began to look up right as it hit me on the bridge of the nose . My reaction instinct was to raise my right arm in an attempt to take the brunt of the blow . Well , it is a good thing that I did as you can see from the pictures . The trunk door hit my nose first , then my arm and as it began to swing back upward , it smacked me in the forehead along the way . Oh my gosh , it hurt so badly . I wasn 't sure what to grab onto first , my nose or my arm … my forehead was an after - thought . Needless to say , Bradley had to stay out in the rain longer to get the bags since I couldn 't hold them at this point . I ran to the door to our home and kept saying how bad of a bruise it was going to be . Bradley just kept asking if I was ok , he felt so bad . Well , over the next few days … today included , we see the bruises changing colors like a twisted and demented rainbow . LOL . Bradley went to the store and asked the Pharmacist what would be the best medicine for the pain and swelling . The Pharmacist recommended Ibuprofen , so that is what I took all day the day it happened . On my birthday though , I didn 't want to take anything because they made me feel very loopy . However , the pain was still very strong … so I really couldn 't do very much . Bradley was a sweetie though . He sent me some ecards and made me a cute little sign for me to wake up to by the bed that wished me a happy birthday . He gave me my favorite roses ( fire and ice ) and left a card for me on my pillow so that I would find it when I was ready for bed . He also got me a gorgeous and decadent cake with the best tasting strawberry I have ever had ! The chocolate is so rich and thick ! Though it looks like a small cake , its quality is amazing and feels like a huge cake ! Oh , he also promised to clean the entire house for me ~ Wow , what more could a girl ask for ! ! ! ( a man willing to do housework and chocolate - LOL ! He is my prince ! I received many emails wishing me happy birthday with some ecards from friends all over , while others called to sing . I felt really badly though because I wasn 't really in a good place for phone conversations and those I did manage to talk to … I probably sounded drugged - oh my ! Well , I do not like taking medications , so I have been trying very hard to hold off when I can but the pain is still there . I am glad that I have kitties because they are a great distraction when I am not feeling well . The kitties always are doing something funny , silly or cute . I am going out to dinner with my family this weekend for my birthday and I am excited about that . I always love seeing my niece and nephew , they are great kids . My niece and nephew made pictures and framed them for Bradley on his birthday , so I am excited to see what they have done for mine ! I hung up their pictures as soon as we got home from Bradley 's dinner . My niece is 8 and my nephew is 7 , so their art work is so sweet . Oh , another thing that Bradley is working on for my birthday … kind of a late birthday gift , is a photo montage video of me growing up . I am very excited to see how that comes up . I will be sure to share it here with all of you as soon as he has it posted on youtube . He really loves being creative like that . He is so fun ! I am so blessed to have married my best friend ! He has always been able to make me laugh , even in the toughest times . Anyway , I will be sure to write about how my birthday dinner goes . Maybe I can share some pictures of it all here for you to see . So , thank you for stopping by and reading about my birthday experiences . I hope that you come back again soon to see how my birthday meal goes … you may get a laugh ! So , now I was at my dad 's house and my step mom was there with the youngest of my 3 stepsisters . Though she was the youngest , she was still older than I was . Now , let me begin this part of the story with letting you know that my step mom is a bit over dramatic and a queen of pity parties ; this being to the point that my stepsister felt the need to warn me before entering the house so I would know what to expect . Over the next few days , I would be subjected to listening to the ' death story ' repeatedly , more times than I could count . At one point , I just had to go outside to get away from it for a while . My stepsister joined me and tried to comfort me , understanding that her mother was being ridiculous , even for the situation . I cannot convey an accurate view of how she was going on about it all , but it just wasn 't normal . I even had other family members take me aside at times to ask me why she was being so outlandish ; it really was embarrassing to everyone . At one point , the family ( extended family included ) was having dinner at a restaurant and she just flipped . Someone asked her how she was holding up and she verbally bashed them in front of the entire restaurant . It was an elderly woman who had asked ; I think she was in her 70 's or so . Then everyone just looked at me like I was suppose to do something about it … I was 19 and hadn 't seen her since I was 8 ( she didn 't come to my grandmother 's funeral ) . It was like this day in and day out . At one point , I was taking a bath b / c for some reason they did not have a shower in the guest bathroom , and she barged in and started complaining about all sorts of things , like why were people asking her how she was holding up . Oh , did I tell you that they also did not have a shower curtain ? ? ? I felt so violated . My only comforting moments were spent with my dad 's dog , Sassy , who would come in with me during the night . Oh my , that reminds me … my sister came in my room one night at about 4 am talking all sorts of gibberish and flopped on the bed . My step mom came in because of the noise and told her to go back to bed . Apparently , she was sleep walking . Ok , so I think on the third night I was there , my step mom , sister and I all went to dinner - I don 't remember where , but when the waiter came to ask us what we wanted … all of a sudden … BAM ! ! ! ! It finally hit me ! While in the bathroom , all I could do was pray . I prayed that God would be with me through this very difficult time and that He would give me the comfort and strength to get through all of this . I was not aware at the time , just how He would do this … but He did . The next day was the viewing and this brought a whole new stress to the situation . My step mom had a death grip on me until others showed up . Once other family and friends showed up , she left me to gain support from them … the ones who would still talk to her by that point . She had nearly attacked almost everyone in my family by that point . During this time , I stayed by my dad 's casket and stared at him . I knew it wasn 't him but his body … I wondered what he might have thought when he was dieing . Did he think about me ? I placed my hand upon his and said my good - byes . I didn 't want to leave his side , but others came to me to say that I should allow others to give their respects , so I sat down in a pew about three from the front . Well , the next thing I knew , I felt a hand on my shoulder , then another one on my back . I heard the voice of a child saying to me as she caressed my hair , " Its alright , don 't be sad , he is in heaven . It 's going to be ok . " I looked up and I was surrounded by about 8 children from 3 years to around 8 years old … all trying to comfort me . This moved me so deeply that I almost couldn 't speak . All I could say is , " I know " and " Thank you " … They stayed with me . No adult ever came to me , no adult ever said a word to me that night … just the children . I knew that was God . He used the little children to comfort me . Through the mouths of babes , I tell ya . Early , we awoke and got ready . Everything seemed fine , as fine could be . Then came the limousines . As soon as we stepped out of the doorway to the house , my step mom began screaming and saying " No , no , no " while she planted her feet in the ground , forcing others to practically drag her to the car . My aunt was there by this time ( at the house ) . Once we were in the car , my step mom , my stepsisters , their kids and me … when my aunt was going to get into the car , my step mom said to her that there was no room for her . This really upset my aunt because she was more family to my dad then my step sisters and kids , plus , I think I heard later that my aunt was the one paying for it . Once we got to where the funeral service was held … we had some time , so I didn 't think I could handle being around everyone then … I went to the restroom which had a sitting room attached to it . I sat there and prayed . I didn 't know how I was going to get through this . The next thing I knew was that someone came in and said that they were about to start the services . So , I gathered my composure and went to the sanctuary . On my way down the isle a man who said that he was very pleased to finally meet me stopped me . He told me that my dad spoke of me often . This made me feel a bit better . I also found out that he didn 't know that I had another sister , which I thought was interesting ( for more history about that please click here ) . I do not remember the funeral , as far as what was said but I have a video of it , though , it not very good quality . When we were at the gravesite , I sat in the front with the other immediate family members , excluding my aunt again and her family , thanks to my step mom . The things I remember about this , was that the sun broke through the clouds … a plane flew over head and the priest kept looking at me oddly as he spoke and prayed . It was almost like he could see something … but what , I thought . My dad had to have a priest preside over the burial because the gravesite was at a Catholic cemetery . It was a family plot that my grandparents paid for long before I was even a thought . The only other part that I remember now , is my flight home . It was the first time that I was leaving L . A . without spending time with my grandmother and / or my dad . I thought how my experiences with California died with them … and I began to cry . I remember listening to a tape I had brought with me : " I 'll Be There " by the Escape Club below is the actual video for the song … Tear just flowed down my face . A flight attendant asked me if I was ok , so I told him that my dad had died . He was very attentive after that and I greatly appreciated it . Over the next years , it would hit me here and there . I just learned to let myself feel the pain so that I wouldn 't explode in the future . There are times that I wish that I could share with him . We began speaking again when I was in high school , over the phone . I had told him that I would be visiting him that summer , but I wasn 't able to . It brings back memories of almost seeing my grandmother but she died right before I was able . If you get nothing else out of this post , please don 't hesitate to spend the time that you have with your loved ones . Tell them how you feel … and trust in God to carry you through those times that you don 't think you can make it through - He won 't let you down . Thank you for reading this . I look forward to your comments . If you have the ability to listen to this video , please do as you read because it will enhance your reading experience . This was the song that I listened to throughout my grieving period and it was comforting . Today I am going to write about the death of my dad . I have previously shared some minute details HERE about my relationship with my dad but I haven 't really gone into what happened when he died . So , here we go … So , I had just moved back from North Carolina to Texas ( I will write about that in another post ) . I was living with my brother at the time , my mom was in North Carolina … Anyway , I was asleep and the phone rang . Well , my brother was at work so I answered it . My mom was on the other line . Let me back up a bit … As soon as I heard my mom 's voice sounding somber , I knew something had happened . Well , my first reaction was again as before with my grandmother 's death , was to ask who died … but this time I thought better of it not to . I always felt guilty for that moment in the past , almost as though I caused it by predicting it - even after the fact of it happening . If you are lost in this post , please read the previous ones with links listed above . She said that she had some bad news and it was about my dad . Now , because this conversation was taking way too long for my patience , I couldn 't help myself but to speed it along by asking … " Did he die ? " She said , " Yes . " So , I asked what happened , as the all too familiar numbness over took my mind and body . After she was done explaining the few details that she knew , I had to ask again because my mind had officially gone into shock . She then repeated herself by telling me that all she knew was that he died in his sleep the night before and that my step mom would be calling me . It was odd , the feelings or lack thereof that over took me . I thought to myself that I should cry , yet , no tears would come . I then thought … uh oh , when this hits me it is going to be bad . I later found that to be an accurate thought . My first objective was to book a flight . Well , after speaking with a travel agent and hearing how much it was going to cost … I wasn 't sure I would be able to fly to CA for the funeral . She told me that I could get a bereavement discount if I could provide a death certificate along with the location and details of the funeral … now I had to get all of that information and get it to them within a day . That task in its self was almost too much to deal with . She told me that he had been having headaches for about a week but refused to go to the doctor because he hated doctors . She said that during the day he died , he was unusually tired and ended up going to bed early . When she went to bed , he told her that he loved her and rolled over to go back to sleep . Well , in the night , she had to go to the restroom and while she was there she heard something sounding like him taking a really deep breath . She checked on him and he had passed away . She freaked out and called 911 . The operator told her to put him on a hard surface and perform respiration on him . Well , he was too heavy for her so she had to go get the neighbor to help her . He came over and helped her , but it was too late . So , she then helped me with getting the information that I needed to be able to fly out there . Next I had to deal with where I was going to stay … Boy , this turned out to be a lasting hassle that I was not prepared for . See , my aunt … my dad 's sister , wanted me to stay with them and my step mom wanted me to stay with her . When she finally showed up , she was with my cousin … the one I spoke about regarding my grandmother 's death . Well , when she was asking me repeatedly to stay with them , he was there giving me the look of death . He desperately did NOT want me staying with them . I proceeded to tell her that I really appreciated her offer but that I thought that my step mom needed me to stay with her and that I wanted to be where my dad 's things were . She said ok and finally dropped it to the relief of my cousin . Today , I thought that I would share with you my salvation testimony . When I was younger , from birth , my grandmother and my dad would take me to church . They were Catholic . Though they never told me how to be saved , they told me who God was and who Jesus was , etc . Once this was done , we would walk down the isle to whatever pew he wanted to sit in . At this point , he would kneel down to the side of the pew before entering … he would kneel on one knee and perform the cross maneuvers which ended with him kissing his index finger knuckle . Once this was completed , he would proceed to his desired seat . My favorite part was lighting the prayer candles . I guess I just liked candles . Well , over time , my dad left the Catholic church for true Christianity … A Christianity without praying to idols . His last experience with the Catholic church was when they began to tell the congregation that they had to kiss the statue of Mary 's feet so that she would grant their prayers . How absurd he thought . So , he left . When I was 10 , I had already become quite familiar with God and Jesus … other than the part about ' getting ' saved . For some reason , no one ever told me about that part . So , one day a Pastor came by our home and my mom let him in . He sat on the couch and proceeded to tell my mom about salvation . Well , I just got soooo excited that I didn 't want to wait . I kept interrupting him , trying to get him to let me be saved , but he kept on telling me to wait for my mom . He believed that my mom should be saved first so that she would be my elder in the Body of Christ . This was a Baptist Pastor . Gratefully , my mom accepted Christ and so did I - finally ! So , the next thing on the list was our baptism . We were baptized shortly thereafter , which I was very excited about too . I began to memorize some verses from Sunday School and some songs / hymns . I loved going to church . I would invite every one of my friends ; this seemed to impress the Pastor … I just loved church . After some time , we ended up having to move out of state … this also ended us going to church . I found out later from my mom that there was a new black family who had come to our church and the members snubbed them … well , this did not sit well with my mom , so she became somewhat jaded towards church . Then one day , to be exact … it was the day of the Oklahoma bombing … I had stayed home from school ( I was in college at the time ) and I watched it nonstop on television . I was horrified and thought it was so hard to believe . With that , I heard a pastor on television talking about the plagues in Egypt in the Bible with Moses , so I thought to myself … " I don 't know what plagues there were , in what order they happened , etc . " I thought , " How do I know if this guy is even telling the truth ? " So , I decided that I couldn 't believe or serve a God that I knew nothing about and the only way to find out what pleases Him or really ticks Him off , was to read His Word . That day was the first day that I began reading through the Bible from cover to cover . When I had finished , almost a year later , I was a completely different person . I threw out all of my old CD 's and anything that wasn 't pleasing to God . I changed my friends and my focus . It was amazing ! I had a very close friend who was like a brother to me at the time and he didn 't know what was going on with me . I knew that if I told him everything then he would think I was crazy … he couldn 't handle the truth in its entirety all upfront , so I asked God that when my friend was ready , to have him ask me questions that he was ready to hear the answers to and I would tell him . So , that is what I did . Over a period of a couple of months he would ask some questions and all I would do is answer them , as to the point as possible and then I would stop talking about it . He later said that he was shocked that I didn 't just force it down his throat like others have . Anyway , after a couple of months , he decided to accept Christ as his Lord and Savoir and he was baptized . To this day , he has been through a lot but he is still true to the Word and standing firm in his faith . Wow , Part I was pretty cleansing . I am not one to normally talk about myself like this , so this is an interesting experience to say the least . Now , here we go on Part II . During the summer of my 8th year , I went to visit my grandmother and my dad out in Southern California , as usual . See , the way things worked was that , my mom would put me on a plane … by myself … to see them . Well , normally , my grandmother would pick me up and we would go to visit my dad . I would always stay at my grandmother 's house at night and visit with my dad on some days . When I arrived at the airport in California , my grandmother was no where in sight . There was a stewardess who stayed with me to make sure that I was picked up by the proper person . Well , after about 30 minutes … no one came . So , she took me and another little boy who was left there , to a back area which was open to the planes . Back then , you had to walk out to the plane and then up stairs to the plane 's door . We , the boy and I , both sat there watching television while we waited . Soon , his dad came and picked him up … and I still sat there . After awhile , what seemed like an hour more , a man who worked there came to get me . He said that there was a man who said that he was there to pick me up and that I should not go to him until I know who he is . Well , as soon as I saw him , I yelled " Daddy " ! So , the airplane man said … " Well , I guess she knows you . " My dad informed me that apparently , I would be staying with them this year . Well , he had to go back to work , so he dropped me off at his house where my step mom was and said that he would see me later . My step mom put me in their back room which was usually a storage room , and still looked like one , only it had a bed in it now . She told me to unpack and she would make me something to eat . So I did . Well , some time went by and the sun was about to set , so she told me that I had to go to bed . I said that I wanted to wait so that I could see my dad , but she said no . So , she put me in the room , but what I didn 't know , was that she had locked the door behind me . I found that out in the morning when I couldn 't open the door . My step mom would keep the door locked until my dad would leave to go to work and then lock me back in before he came home . She just told him that I was sleeping . My dad and step mom had a few dogs , one of which was a germen shepherd named KC . Well , all the previous dogs , I had pretty much grown up with … so they knew me and were nice to me , but KC did not know me . KC would glare at me , she was about my size at the time and if I moved she would bark . She would corner me in a room and not let me go anywhere . Well , one day , my step mom had to go somewhere and she wanted to leave me at home by myself , so , she sat me down in the living room in a chair and told me not to move . She told KC to watch me , and she left . Well , KC did watch me . Every time I tried to get up , she would growl and step closer to me . I was so scared . Then , KC got hungry and left the room . I thought … this is my only chance , so I immediately jumped up … carefully and quietly , and got to the phone in the kitchen . I called my mom at work in Texas and told her that I couldn 't talk because my step mom might get back . I told her what had happened and said that she was pulling into the driveway so I had to go . My mom said not to worry that she would come and get me . As soon as she got off of the phone , she told her boss what had happened and he asked her if she needed his gun . My mom said , " I don 't need a gun , that family is scared enough of me " . So , my mom was on the first flight she could get , which got her there the next day . The next day , I saw my grandmother pull up and I thought , here we go . My dad and grandmother would argue all the time , they are like those families , who the way they talk is that they argue . Well , she came to the door , knocked and my dad answered it . This was in the morning before he was going to leave , luckily I was let out of my room for this one . My grandmother told my dad that my mom had come to her house very upset and wanted her to bring me there . My dad and step mom said no , so my grandmother said that if she did not come back with me right then , then my mom would come and she was pissed . My dad had bolted the door shut , which by the way , he was always kind of paranoid , so there were about 9 deadbolts on the door … not the pansy kind you purchase today , but the real heavy - duty kind that a bomb couldn 't open . My grandmother tried to open the door , but it would not budge and she kept asking my dad to open it but he wouldn 't . They just kept screaming at each other , so I finally yelled at the top of my lungs for them to BE QUIET ! They became suddenly silent and looked at me . I looked at my dad and asked him nicely if he would please open the door and let me go . He began to argue a bit with my grandmother again , but succumbed to my wishes . We left and went to my grandmother 's house . My mom said that she would NEVER let me come back on her dime again . So , I never did . |
We specialize in all things frightening . From true stories to fiction , horror movies to creepy art , we 're your one - stop spot when you want to be infested by the creepy - crawlies . Now , turn off the lights . Lock your doors . Try your best to make it through the night . In the summer of 2007 I was twenty - four . I 'd recently earned my degree , in early childhood education , and found my first real job . No teacher will admit to this , but we get paid pretty well , at least that is what I thought in the summer of 2007 . Having only ever worked service sector jobs , you know cashiering at a grocery store , doing clerical work over the summer , that kind of stuff , I was finally making real money . With my new income came the overwhelming desire to move out of my mom 's house . It 's not that I didn 't love my mom , rather that I yearned the freedom that I believed came with owning your own house . I 'd been working as a special education teacher for around six months and I 'd saved enough money for a down payment on a house . I 'd been searching for the perfect place for months . My must haves included a fireplace , a big master bedroom , and more than anything else a large yard with a view . I did a lot of research deciding how much I could spend , and sadly found that all that money that I thought I was making really wasn 't that much . It looked like I would have to make a few compromises on my dream house . Too good to be true was how I first viewed it . The house had everything I was looking for . It had two bedrooms , a fireplace , over two acres of land and , best of all , it was in my price range . I was weary when making an appointment to view the house , because of the price . It was almost fifteen thousand dollars less than equivalent houses I 'd looked at . The advert said the asking price was reduced , and I was worried something dramatic would be wrong with the house . I brought my older brother who works as a contractor , and all around knowledgeable guy . We toured the house , the realtor making everything seems amazing , and my brother examined all sorts of things , most of which I didn 't really understand , but I took him at his word when he said it was in good overall shape . I was beyond excited . My first house . Paperwork done , money spent , it was move in time . I had a moving party at which I bribed my friends and family with pizza and beer to help me move all my stuff in to my new house . Not having any furniture yet , we used boxes for seats and tables . It was a magical moment in my life . My third day at my new house , and all was going great . The roof hadn 't collapsed , the bathroom hadn 't flooded , and all was right with the world . Work was still great , and I remember finding myself sitting in my very own living room just smiling for no real reason . Then my neighbors stopped by . My new house had a lot of land , but my neighbors had even more . My nearest neighbor 's house isn 't even visible from mine , and at the time I loved that fact . That Saturday afternoon , my neighbor Mike and his pre - teen daughter Katie came over to welcome me . I was in bathroom , door open and why not I lived alone , when I heard a man 's voice . " Hello ? " Leaving the bathroom and walking to the kitchen , I peeked my head around the corner of the room , and looked out toward my front door . There were Mike and Katie , the first time I 'd met them . They introduced themselves and we exchanged pleasantries . They seemed nice enough and had brought me cookies . I welcomed them in , asking them to take a seat ( on the remaining unpacked moving boxes ) . As we talked I noticed something was a bit off about them . Mike in particular seemed to be looking at me with a particular interest . He also asked a lot of personal questions about my job , my family , and my interests . Finally , I had to ask why the twenty questions . He sheepishly apologized explaining that the last owners of the house had been busted for manufacturing crystal meth . That explained so much , the price reduction , Mike 's twenty questions , and the mysterious iron door that led to the basement . While touring the house , of course , I noticed the door , and though I thought it unusual , I didn 't worry about it . The house was so perfect , what was one strange metal door . Day four and I 'm home . I make dinner , watch a little local , no cable , television on my new , and temporary , futon . Night falls , and I head to bed . The one downfall of the house was that it didn 't have central air conditioning . This Sunday night was an especially hot night , and I had my windows open . I awoke from the heat around two in the morning . I was still adjusting to the new creaks and groans of my new house , but the sound I heard wasn 't anything I had heard the house make before , and it seemed to be coming from my back yard . I lay in bed listening and I heard this steady sound . I got out of bedI use my cell phone as my alarm clock , so it was on hand , and I dialed 911 . Before this event if someone had asked me how I would react to such a situation I would have guessed that I 'd freeze petrified , but I surprised myself . As the emergency number rang I walked to my front door and checked that it was locked , then I moved toward my back door . I walked through the kitchen toward my small covered back porch / mudroom and then listened to keys turn the lock , and then watched as the handle turned . I was connected to dispatch almost simultaneously as the back door opened , and man entered my house . I screamed , and ran immediately to my bedroom , locking the door almost before I had shut it . Hard knocks resounded on the frail wooden door . Standing , looking at the door , I remembered I had 911 on the telephone . I gave the dispatcher my address , explained what I knew of the situation and then , against dispatch 's advice I hung up the phone . I hadn 't yet bought a frame for my bed , so I was just sleeping on a mattress laid on the floor . I didn 't have a dresser yet , or any other furniture aside from a small bookcase . As the man outside my bedroom kicked the door , I moved the tiny bookcase against the door , and then for good measure I leaned my mattress against the door , also , fully realizing neither would stop the intruder . I looked out my window at the man still digging , now more frantically in my back yard . I watched as he bent down and removed something , couldn 't quite tell what in the oppressive darkness of the night , and stepped back in fright as he ran toward my house . I called my mom , not sure what I was going to say . As the phone rang I heard the shovel man stomp his way into my house , and then the two men exchanged words , which I heard . " Got it , " says one , " Who is in there ? " Then guy two , " Some girl . " At this point I yelled that I called the cops . Man one , " Leave it . " Silence , and then two sets of footsteps leave out the back door , and I watched them run across my backyard away from the housThe police arrived just a few minutes after the men ran from my house . I saw the lights , and came out of my room . The cops figured that the drug manufactures that owned the house before me had buried some cash in the back yard , and the their family , or friends had come to retrieve it . The cops scolded me for not changing the locks on the doors as soon as I bought the house . They explained that it was something everyone should do , but especially people who purchase a house previously employed by drug dealers . I in turn scolded my realtor for not telling me that the house was previously a meth lab . The police never found the people in my back yard , and I 'm sad to say that the experience caused me to move back with my mom where I lived another year until I had recovered the courage to look for a new house . I now live in a condo , sharing a wall with a nice family , in a brightly lit neighborhood . I don 't have my fireplace , or my big yard , but I do have piece of mind . One day I think I will return to a house with land , but it 'll be a while . They began when I was maybe 5 or 6 ; around kindergarten . I am now 28 and still have these " night terrors " at least once a month . Most people who have night terrors will tell you they can 't remember details of what frightened them . Most of them just awake with an immense feeling of terror . I , too , awake with an immense feeling of terror . However , I can tell you the details about what has terrified me . When I was younger , I would awake screaming for my mom or my grandma . I would be in a cold sweat , heart beating out of my chest , tears streaming down my face . My mom or grandma would race in my room and flip on the light . As my eyes adjusted to the light , the images of what frightened me so much would start to fade away . But in my mind , I could recall every detail of what had exceedingly terrified me . I would ask whoever was in the room with me , " don 't you see them . . . DONT YOU SEE THEM " ? The " them " were the mice or snakes , but more often then not , bugs and spiders all over my bed ; all over me . My skin is crawling now just remembering . It would take a while for me to doze back to sleep . My mom or grandma would sit next to me and stroke my hair , repeating to me , " its OK to fall back asleep now . they 're all gone " . Invariably , the next morning , I would awake to find bites and scratches on my arms and legs . Everyone was convinced I did it to myself in my sleep or during my frantic wakening . I knew it was more then that . I never knew when the next night terror would be . So , I just had to learn not to think about them , or the effects of , until another night terror would decide to grace me with its presence . It was a while before the man in the hat showed up . I was much older by this time ; maybe 16 or 18 . I know I was in high school . It was as if all of the night terrors before him were in preparation because once he showed up , the snakes and mice and bugs never came back . The man in the hat I would see was a shadowy figure . I could make out the curve of his cowboy hat and the shape of his body . The way in which I would awake _ Sara H . This happened probably in the late 1990 's . I used to go out to this place and park my jeep about 1 . 5 miles SE of the cones . It was a little stand of mesquite trees with a cattle tank and feeding area and an almost purpose built parking space for my old jeep . I would pull in among the mesquite trees and toss a camo tarp and camo net over my jeep and you could walk past my jeep and never see it . I was ( am ) totally paranoid about leaving my vehicle out there - I always wondered whether it would be there when I got back . For this trip , I had planned a fairly strenuous 18 mile round trip from where I had parked my jeep going NW to Aden Crater . I had spent enormous amounts of my time while in college driving around out here and I had mapped out where all the old jeep trails and cattle trails and cattle tanks and wells were located . ( I was a biology / ecology field worker as a student and I had extensive experience with GPS mapping and orienteering . ) So , I had a number of waypoints along the way where I knew I could filter water . I don 't remember exactly what time of year this was but I don 't think it was very hot out but it was the usually bright and clear blue skies . I made my way out and it is fairly rough volcanic terrain . I made it about ¾ of the way to Aden Crater and I was stopped to take a short break - I needed to go over a barbed wire fence so I had my pack off . So , I was just standing there , letting the sweat cool on my back where my backpack covered and I was looking around . Again , there was absolutely no reason to freak out but I did . As a solo backpacker , I have had this experience many times before and it usually passes quickly - that feeling of being in the middle of nowhere and just getting freaked out . The area has deer and tons of coyotes ( the 4 legged kind ) and rabbits and lizards but no predators that would have given me that sense of being watched . While this was within 20 miles of the border , back then I had never seen any illegals or druggies or even many border patrol agents . The main roads were fairly well traveled and many people would go out there but I have never actually seen another person while I was hiking away from the roads . I was in the middle of the lava fields and there were not even any cattle trails within a square kilometer . So , I stood and was quiet and tried to figure out what was wrong . I heard the usual train going by on the tracks a couple of miles north . I could hear the vague sounds of a helicopter down south near the border . But there wasn 't anything else . I looked toward Aden Crater and it was probably less than 2 miles away . What to do ? Press on and hope the feeling would go away ? I looked back the way I came and I could see the Gardner Cones . That was my safe place - I had spent many , many nights there before . After a few minutes I said the heck with it and shrugged into my pack . I took a quick bearing on the Cones , even though they were prominent enough to clearly see my way , but it always made me feel better to concentrate on my compass work . So , I headed back . I thought I was nuts to turn around and go back and do more miles than I planned on that day but I felt very comforted to be heading back to " my " place . It was a long slog back there . I had passed the cones within a couple of hundred meters on the first time out and now I was tired and leaning hard on my trekking poles as I went up the side of the cones and into the middle area . I was tired but I felt good . It was a very sheltered area and I always felt safe in between the 3 cones . I made camp and had my dinner and settled down for the night . I did my customary sitting on top of the one cone to watch the sunset and then went and settled into my sleeping bag . I had picked up the custom of listening to my shortwave radio at night when I camped ( from reading the book Bravo Two Zero ) and I probably read a paperback book for a bit as well before falling asleep . Back then I wasn 't too terrible concerned about my safety when camping . I had my Glock 23 that I carried in my pack and I set that out next to my sleeping bag . I had the general rule to always camp away from major terrain features - roads , hills , water tanks , etc … but the cones were my exception because it was my area where I had first camped alone and I had been coming here for years at this point . I was in my trusty Kelty Vortex 2 and I feel asleep . The only problem that night was the sound of the helicopter getting progressively closer and I thought that it was going to keep me up that night . After sleeping for an undetermined amount of time I was woken up suddenly . I am always a light sleeper while camping and now I was awake and wondering what woke me up . I grabbed the Glock and I was laying there in my sleeping bag , tucked into a fetal position when the night turned bright white and there was an overwhelming amount of noise . Dirt was flying around in the tent , the fly and the inner tent were violently shaking , and the noise and hurricane like winds were buffeting me . I had my eyes clenched shut against the flying dirt and debris and a death grip on the gun and I thought " you have got to be kidding me ! ! " The sound of the US Customs Blackhawk and the blinding light of the Nightsun searchlight became even worse as I wondered how far down on top of me the helo would come . I didn 't think that they could land in the area in between the cones but they got damn close . I froze and thought that if I moved with the gun in my hand I would be dead . I don 't know if they said anything over the speakers because the sound and downdraft were overpowering . Then it stopped as they gained altitude and left . I looked at my watch and it was something like 2 or 3 AM . I was wide awake and shaking and in disbelief . I thought " to hell with this ! " and started breaking camp as quickly as I could . I set my compass bearing by my GPS and started bushwhacking in the darkness , afraid to put on my headlamp . I managed to do my best ever night compass navigation and managed to hit my Jeep right on without an offset and started the long drive home . I still have the tent and the poles have a bend in them from the force of the Blackhawk 's downdraft . At least I can say that the Kelty can stand up to near hurricane winds ! And I was never bored camping . It took place a while back when I was attending Northwestern University . I was driving out to see my girlfriend who lived about 2 or 3 hours away from Chicago . Well , I was basically driving in the middle of no where , on a very long and straight road , when my car crapped out on me . I tried to start it a few times but I essentially knew nothing about engines or how to fix one . So I called AAA to send a tow truck . I was only able to give them the road I was on and the most recent crossroad I had passed , since there was literally nothing but corn fields and telephone lines around me . Well , only about 5 minutes after I called AAA , I saw an old pickup truck driving towards me coming from the direction that I was headed . After it finally passed me , the driver stopped and pulled off to the side of the road . The reason this movie reminded me of this incident was because there were 3 people in the truck . The driver , a woman and another male passenger . After like a minute of sitting there , the driver came out of his truck and starting walking towards my car . One thing that really struck me as odd was that the two passengers in the pickup truck just sat there , facing forward so I couldn 't see their faces , throughout the ENTIRE time . They never once turned their heads or moved an inch . So the driver , a rather big guy ( around 6 foot 4 I 'd say ) walked up to my car and started knocking on my window , asking if I needed help . I told him I was fine but he kept knocking . I said to him that a tow truck was on its way right now . Then he started to grab the door handle to open the door , but thankfully I had locked it when I saw him coming . Something just didn 't feel right . I was like , " what are you doing man ? I said I 'm fine . " Then , all of a sudden , he stopped pulling at the door handle , and paused for a second . He looked both directions down the road and it seemed like he was hesitating about something . Then he muttered one word . . and that was what scared me the most . . . at barely a whisper , he muttered under his breath , " lucky . . . " I could hardly make out what he said at the time . Then he stared at me for like a good 15 seconds , went back to his truck , and drove off . But instead of driving down the road , in the direction he was headed , he drove back the way they CAME . The road was a good 1 - 2 miles long . I never understood why he would drive that far down the road to my car , if he wasn 't intending to pass by . We 'd like to thank you all for taking the time to visit Alone at Night . We sincerely appreciate the time you spend , and the stories you submit . Please don 't forget to tell you friends about the site , and to encourage them to submit their stories . Also , please feel free to leave comments on any story you 'd like . We encourage discussion , and an active audience . Most of my shocking stories , though , are from the time I worked as a home health / hospice aide in Salt Lake City , of all places . I was given a sizable chunk of the downtown area which included The University of Utah and the South Campus of Salt Lake Community College . Being from Vegas , I was well , shocked to learn that there was quite a bit of crazy in Salt Lake City , which supposedly is a very safe place to live ! One of my patients lived on a small side street and one day I came to her home at 8 am for my visit as usual . Well , 15 minutes into my visit , after I had gotten my patient up and sitting on the couch , and had begun to tidy up her room , a bright red convertible drives down the street and stops right in front of my car . The driver gets out , and proceeds to try to open the door on my locked Saturn . When he couldn 't get into my car , the guy , who is obviously on something , decides to walk up and down the street , opening trash cans , and attempting to open doors and windows . This patient suffered from very advanced Alzheimer 's and had no clue what was going on . I closed and locked all her windows , and locked the door - - she protested my locking her front door . Then I made sure all the windows and doors were closed and locked and after that I remembered that she had a baseball bat in the laundry room , went and got it , and waited for the man to show up on her doorstep , with the baseball bat in one hand and my cell phone with SLCPD on speed dial in the other hand . So the guy goes to my patent 's next door neighbor 's house , finds the door locked , tries the window , finds it locked , walks down the front walkway , and leaves the neighbor 's property . Then he heads to my patent 's front gate . Then he looks up and sees me and the patient both standing there staring at him , me brandishing a baseball bat and holding a cell phone to my ear . He gives off a look of " oh crap , I 've been caught " and runs off , gets into his convertible , and drives off . Oh man , these stories are making me so glad that I live in Chicago , and police FLY whenever a call is put in ! I have one to add . . . pre - story , I just want to say that I have ALWAYS been a tweak in hotels . Doors must be locked , chained , bolted , windows CLOSED , bathroom light on , I run down hallways when I 'm alone , and I still can never get a full night 's sleep . Me and the BF were staying at a hotel in KY for a family reunion ( my family ) . Most of the rest of my family were staying at relatives houses . This hotel was crowded , and a bunch of guys were in the lobby when I went to the vending machines around 10pm - ish by myself . . . BF stayed in the room , so it must have looked like I was alone . I didn 't really think anything about it , but later on , around 1AM , I wake up to the door banging and a guy yelling in the hallway . . . I was still half asleep so it took me a second to realize he wasn 't banging ON the door , but instead the door was OPEN already and he was slamming it against the security bolt on the inside of the door . I woke up the BF and hid under the covers while he went to the door , told the guy off and slammed the door shut and relocked it . I give him credit that he never undid the dead bolt thing , just looked at him and yelled through the crack in the door . He said that he looked drunk . THIS is the kicker . . . I called the front desk to let them know , and the guy behind the desk had GIVEN the guy a key because he said that he lost the key to " his " room . . . and the guy never went back to the front desk to ask for a different room key . Creepy ! And I didn 't get a look , so I didn 't know if it was one of the guys that had been in the lobby or not . ( And yes , the desk guy got an earful from me . . . ) - Corine When I lived in Chicago , I lived in a coach house . . . the house behind the big house , which was essentially a converted garage . It was a nicer area around Lincoln Park , and about 100 ft . off a major intersection where there were stores and lots of people . However , in order to get in to my place , I had to walk down an alley , and go through a gate with a motion detector . I was always nervous going in and out of the alley at night , and when I had to do this I would often run from my place , through the alley to the busy street as FAST as possible . As busy as the intersection was the alley was usually empty - scary . One night at around 10pm or so , I heard the gate open and the light detector went on . I assumed this was the owner on his way to the big house through the back entrance , but I 'm super cautious and looked out the window to the alley . As I was doing this I heard a loud knock on my door . I could see a car waiting in the alley . . . a low 70 's Nova type , and this was the later nineties . . . . a very old , beat up car . I went to the door , and of course didn 't open it . I asked . . . " Yes , can I help you ? " A man answered : " I got lost . . . could you help me with directions ? I told him I didn 't drive and was terrible at directions . At this point I was so afraid my head was swimming , and I can 't remember exactly what he said next , but it was something like " could I come in for a minute and have you show me where we are on my map . " I asked him why he had come into an alley , opened a gate , climbed up my coach house stairs and knocked on a strangers door , when just outside the alley there were tons of open businesses . He ignored this , and asked to come in again . I said that I was calling the police , and did so . . . . I called 911 . Shortly after my divorce , I was living in an empty house that was for sale - my friends allowed me to stay there for a few months while finding a new house . It was pretty empty , not a lot of furniture . I didn 't spend a lot of time there , basically just slept and showered there . So , 2 a . m . one night / morning there were headlights shining into my room and a really loud , aggressive knock at the door ( a little background - very small town , everyone knows everyone , in the rainforest of WA state ) . I was totally freaked . I froze . The person at the door started yelling my name . Scary ! Finally , he said " It 's XXX , please answer me if you 're in there ! " It was the local sheriff 's deputy ! ! I ran to the door and opened for him and he pushed past me and said , " Who 's here ? " I told him nobody but me , i was sleeping . He said , " Somebody is using your phone and calling 911 . " I flipped . I was crying and I stood outside in the freezing rain . He checked out the whole house and every closet / bedroom / bathroom ( it was a huge farm house and I didn 't even use the upstairs ) . Finally between him , dispatch , and the phone company , they figured out that the massive rain had interrupted my phone wires and made it call 911 . I dunno , but I didn 't sleep there for a week after that ! I stayed with friends ! One day I came home from a short shift at work one morning to an empty house and I walked in to find that the doors on the balcony at the back of our house were wide open and the latch was broken off , like an idiot , I didn 't think anything of it because it was a hot day and I thought someone might have wanted to let the warm air in . I wanted my mum to wash my work clothes and I was going to swim at my friends place later so I stripped naked in the hallway ( hey , no one was home ) and chucked all of my clothes in the hamper , I put on my swimsuit and my clothes , but not before striking a number of poses in my bikini in the hallway mirror * blushes * . I then went downstairs to do some homework in the living room for a few hours , and for some reason I had this sense of being watched so I closed all of the curtains downstairs . And then , like two hours later I went to go upstairs again and I saw that the front door was wide open . I knew it had not been open before , but I still did not realize what was going on until I went upstairs and saw that all of my jewellery was gone , ditto my mum 's and sister 's along with my ipod and some other stuff . I called the cops and they explained that the burglar had climbed onto the balcony via a this frame thing for vines to grow on the wall , forced the door , and had headed upstairs , planning on taking the biggest stuff ( laptops , xbox etc . ) which was downstairs last and getting the jewellery and smaller stuff first . They found that in my parents walk in wardrobe at the back a bunch of clothes had been pulled down and forced across and a crowbar and a bunch of empty individual jewellery boxes had been dumped : they said that when I came home the burglar had heard and hidden in there until he had the opportunity to sneak out . Here 's the kicker : when the bedroom door is open ( it was ) the hallway where I stripped is fully visible from inside the wardrobe . I performed a private striptease for the hiding burglar ! ! I did not tell the cops that though 2 years ago when I was home alone around 10 - ish PM ( How convenient ) I was in my room upstairs on the phone to my friend when I heard the front door closing . Assuming it was my Sister I walked over and leaned over the banister calling her name and some guy dressed in the scream black gown with the mask was standing in the hallway , he looked up at me and proceeded to make his way up the staircase . Now if asked what you would do in such a situation you 'd be like , I 'd grab my baseball bat and beat the * beep * outta them , or i 'll run and call the cops etc . But no , like a pussy I stood in shock and only when he was like a 1 / 4 of the way up the stairs I screamed and yelled running into my room and shutting the lights hoping that would confuse him . . All the while my friend was still on the phone ( And he was a witness later , although he didn 't see anything ) My friend knew where I lived and I told him to call the cops to my address in case the phone cut off or something stupid . . and I proceeded to call them too . During this time I heard the door open / close again ( This was all within seconds of getting into my room and shutting the lights ) . I considered opening the window and yelling out , but it was like 10 PM , and that would only indicate where I was in the house . Anyway , while dialling for the cops I heard the door open / close again , I pulled back a small corner of my curtain and saw nothing , assuming he had made a run for it hearing me yell . After calling the police I called my parents to tell them what happened . I was instructed to go downstairs and insure the door was in fact closed and to lock it . I decided if I was to go downstairs I 'd run and do it fast unlike the silly people in horror films who walk down so slowly and wait for something to happen - It made more sense to me . As I ran down it turned out that the guy didn 't actually leave , he had just shut the door making me believe he did and was in my living room " attempting " to steal things . After seeing me he began running towards the stairs again but he was far intPosted by ( Hello Alone at Night visitors . Our new book is alive ! It 's available on Amazon . I love to ride my bike along the country roads of a . . . This happened to me about 12 years ago when I was 10 . Still to this day it creeps me out . Down the road from my house is a petrol station . I . . . Hello , Alone at Night Scary Stories fans . Big news . You can read more about Alone at Night 's Patreon account here . Alone at Night h . . . Hello , Alone at Night fans . We 're still waiting for our first Patreon contributor . Will it be you ? 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" Yes , mommy ! " little Angel shouted back . She went to the door , stood on a low stool and tiptoed to reach the door knob . The moment she opened the door , she let out a scream of delight , " Uncle David ! " Sam heard it and smiled broadly as she quickly wiped her hands on the apron she was wearing and headed out to the foyer . He had called an hour ago to say he was heading to the house and a minute earlier she saw a car approaching the main gate from the CCTV monitor in the kitchen . And now there he was , standing tall in the doorway , blocking out the sunlight that came from the scorching hot afternoon sun outside . Sam opened her arms and embraced David like a long lost brother . David held on to her , grateful for the warmth and love she offered him . Tears gleaming in her eyes , she asked quietly , " How are you doing , David ? " Breathing deeply , he summoned up the courage to smile and replied , " I 'm feeling much better . Thank you , Sam . I really appreciate what you and Urs have done for me . " Sam turned her head and quietly wiped her own tears away . She couldn 't let him see that ; she had to be strong for him . How she wished Urs was home right this moment . He would know what to do and how to react . He had been their rock to lean on during those dreadful months . It was comforting though to know that he would be back shortly from a trip to town for some groceries . " Oh he has . You know how he is . Once he sets his mind on something , he gets it done . He has scaled down the gaming room to make way for the kitchenette . When he comes back , I 'll tell him to stock up the fridge . That 's not to say you can 't come in here to make use of whatever you need though . " " Thanks , sis . I don 't know what I 'd do without you . I 'll move my stuff over there and come back here when I 've showered . " Sam patted his arm and gave it a little squeeze . She retrieved the key to the smaller wing from a key holder and handed it to him . Urs liked to refer the smaller wing as the Entertainment Centre because it had a pool table , a gaming room , a gym and a mini theatre on top of two bedrooms upstairs and a common bathroom . It was used to house his large extended family when they came to stay . " Mommy , can I go help Uncle David unpack his bags ? " Angel offered with her big brown eyes pleading with her mother . Sam looked at David and saw a hint of his trademark wide smile , though not as wide as before , but still it raised her hope a little . He nodded at her silent question and she gave her daughter the go - ahead . So with David pulling his luggage behind him and Angel dragging his backpack along , they walked hand in hand toward the Entertainment Centre . Sam cast aside the album and threw herself into her husband 's arms . " David is here . He 's at the EC now . " There was no need for more explanation as Urs held her close . " It 's alright , Sam . Cry as much as you want right now , but please , not in front of David . He 's done enough crying already . Remember what I said to you before I left to spend time with him ? We 're all he has here ; we have to be strong for him . " " I 'll go check on Gracie and Tony . They should be awake by now , " Sam said shakily as they pulled apart . Urs held her just a while longer before letting her go . He watched as she walked up the stairs to the children 's room and then began busying himself with putting away the groceries he bought . He carefully picked out some items which he thought David might need and set them aside . He wondered briefly how David was holding up . The past few weeks the youngest Divo had been in touch constantly and Urs could feel that he was starting to feel depressed again . After discussing with Sam he invited David over to stay with them . Urs hoped that being around familiar faces might help him forget about the loneliness . The aroma of Sam 's cooking got to him and made him hungry . She had come a long way with her cooking skills and he was glad . Not only were the dishes she made delicious , they were also nutritious as she was keenly aware of his preference for healthy eating . She would surf the internet for new recipes and then modify them to make them healthy and tasty . This , of course , would not have been possible if she was still working for the police force . Having three little children to take care of , she had no choice but to leave the career that she had worked hard all those years before they married . And whenever Urs asked if she regretted that decision , her answer was always a convincing ' No ' . Urs knew deep in his heart that this was where he belonged : this woman , their children and their home . He went about setting the table for lunch . Soon , he could hear excited chattering coming down the stairs . Then , a little brown curly - haired head appeared at the dining room entrance . It was Anthony , his nearly 3 - year - old son . Little Tony called out ' Daddy ' and ran into his father 's arms . Urs swung him up like a little toy and the boy giggled happily . Then a little tug on his pants leg made him remember another toddler was waiting for his attention . He put Tony down and picked up his twin sister , Grace , the way he did her brother . While Anthony had Urs 's curly hair , little Gracie had her mother 's loose , wavy curls . Delightful giggles soon filled the room when Urs started playing catch with his twins , running around the dining table . Sam watched for a minute , a contented smile adorning her beautiful face , before going into the kitchen to bring out the food . Both toddlers were then asked to go over to the EC to invite Uncle David over to lunch . They were smart little kids and rather independent too and hand in hand they walked over to the next building and knocked on the door . The door buzzer was too high up for them . It was awhile before Angel opened the door . " Uncle David ? " Anthony said in his little man 's voice . He could form complete sentences but sometimes preferred to just use the key words . Angel opened the door wide to let them in and brought them upstairs to where David was just putting his clothes in the wardrobe . " Hiya , little tykes ! " David cast aside the shirt he was holding and held out his arms to them . The twins ran into his embrace , and little Gracie stole a kiss on his cheek . The smile on David 's face was priceless , if only Sam and Urs were there to see . It was the true David smile that they had missed for the past twelve months . Already , he was beginning to feel that the wounds were healing . The meals progressed with friendly chatter among the adults . Occasionally there would be little squabbles among the three children but all Urs needed to do was gave them a serious look and a , " Stop it ! " It effectively stopped any further arguments among his children . David looked on with amusement and wonder . He recalled his younger days when he squabbled at the dining table with his sisters . His dad 's command had never quite had the same effect until he threatened to punish them one way or the other . " Uncle David , would you take me to my music lesson , please ? " Angel asked boldly . She loved David the most among the guys of Il Divo , except her dad of course , as David was the one who would spend the most time playing with her whenever Il Divo had a gathering at the Buhler residence . Uncle Sebastien and Auntie Ginny had their own children to take care of , while Uncle Carlos , although he loved little children , talked so fast that little Angel could hardly understand what he was saying . " Now Angel , Uncle David just flew into town so he must be tired . Let him rest today and tomorrow , and you can climb all over him if you want to , and if he allows , " Urs reasoned with such love and patience that David couldn 't help but felt a little melancholic . What if … but before his thoughts could form into something solid , he stopped them . " It 's alright , Urs . A little trip into town sounds like a good idea . I need to pick up some stuff anyway . But , why is she starting lessons so young ? " " She saw some children learning to play the piano in a music school and asked if she could join in . I got her a private music teacher instead . She 's enjoying it . Right , Angel ? " Angel nodded her head earnestly and began to tell David about what she learnt during lessons . David listened intently and marvelled at how well she could speak at her age and had no doubt about her ability to learn music at such a young age . Of course , pre - school must have helped too . " Unless , of course , you prefer to do this some other day ? " Urs asked as an afterthought . It only just occurred to him that perhaps David would like to have a little time to adjust to staying here and also time to pull himself together . " Yes . Let 's do it some other day , like , maybe this Friday ? " David suggested . He just didn 't think he could face the others yet . Urs felt like kicking himself for not being sensitive enough and smiled apologetically at his friend . They continued their chat in the living room while Angel went to her room to retrieve her bag . She popped into the kitchen and told her mother that she was ready for class . Sam smiled and hugged her , then warned , " Please Angel , don 't mention anything about Auntie Sandra , all right ? " Angel nodded . She might be just a child but she seemed to understand very well what her Uncle David had gone through . Urs and Sam had prep her about David 's stay with them and explained how badly things were going for her favourite uncle . She had promised her parents she wouldn 't make him sad by talking about Auntie Sandra . Kissing her mother goodbye , she skipped out of the kitchen and into the living room where the rest of the family was . " Oh , come on , Sam . You 've cried buckets today already , " Urs said as he went to hug her from behind and nuzzled her neck . He knew it was the onions but it wouldn 't hurt to make her laugh . Sam laughed and turned to kiss him before returning to her task . " Seriously , I don 't think he 'll break down again . It 's just the anniversary that 's making it hard on him . He 's grieved enough and he knows that it 's time for him to pick up the pieces and start living again . It will be tough but I 'm sure he 'll pull through . " Sam 's words brought Urs back to the day at the hospital , when they all crowded around Sandra 's bed , listening intently to her last words to all of them . He remembered exactly the same words that she whispered in his ears , " Please don 't let David be lonely , Urs . Help him find love again . " He had promised that he would . Feeling his eyes stung with tears , he hugged Sam closer to him and breathed in deeply her scent , trying to distract the profound sadness that he suddenly felt . Sam put down the knife she was holding , washed her hands and led him up the stairs to their bedroom . There , they sought to alleviate the pain of loss that they both felt , by kissing , touching and making love to each other passionately . David had left Angel at her music teacher 's house and went off to do some shopping . He had a few items to pick up and went about his business in the shopping mall . An item in the display window of a wedding boutique caught his eye and he stopped to look at it . It was a stunning red gown worn on a mannequin . He stood there staring for a good five minutes before he realized someone was talking to him . " Um , no , I 'm just browsing that 's all . " Blushing , he gave a little smile and turned to walk away quickly . When he was sure the lady was out of sight , he slowed down and shook his head . That dress , it was almost like the one Sandra had picked for their wedding banquet . His heart ached so badly that he decided to leave the mall and take a walk in the park . He needed to get away from people and things that would remind him of Sandra but most of all , he needed Sam 's reassuring touch . That was why he took up Urs 's suggestion to stay with them . Sam was the only one who could get through to him without having to say too much . Even though she reminded him of his beloved Sandra as they had become close friends since Sam 's wedding , she was the one he wanted to see most in his darkest hour . His shoulders shook as he hung his head and cried into his hands . Had it been a year already ? It took a call from Angel 's teacher to bring him back to reality and he headed to the teacher 's home to pick up the little girl . Looking at the little one who had a big smile on her face made him realize that perhaps life wasn 't that bad after all . He remembered the day when Urs handed him the phone and little Angel in her sweet tiny voice had told him to take good care of himself , " Mommy said she would be very worried if you didn 't eat or sleep right , that is why she sent daddy to look after you . " That was when he understood that he wasn 't alone in this world . " Oh , putting the kids to bed . Grace wouldn 't sleep if he didn 't sing them a song and Anthony always insists on a story from daddy . Angel benefits the most as she enjoys both the singing and the story . " " Hmmm , that 's so unlike him . I remember he used to shun changing nappies and anything to do with baby talk . Heck , I was even angry when he left you to do most of the child - minding stuff on your own during the tour . " " People change , David . Besides , we had an agreement that I would take care of the kids and he would take care of the house . Did you know that he did most of the housework ? " David shook his head . It was amazing what love could do to a man . His thoughts then switched to the present as he remembered why he was there . " Are they coming tomorrow ? " He had a mixed feeling about the dinner . He wasn 't sure he could handle the reunion but he couldn 't wait to see his other friends again . " This is so stupid , Sam . I 'm still grieving for the loss of my love and they 're saying goodbye to each other . Don 't they know that true love is hard to come by ? Why can 't they try to work it out ? " The hurt was evident on his face . " Shattered . The last time I spoke with him , he sounded so sad and wistful . I asked if he would like to come here and spend some time with us , he said no . I think he 's still trying to change Joanne 's mind . He 's still in love with her . " " I think so but I haven 't spoken to her in a long while . She has been busy with her tv programmes on top of some other projects that takes her out of the country . She 's young and ambitious but I 'm sure she does love him still . " " Talking about Carlos ? " They nodded . " Just got a call from him . He 'll be flying in next week . I think you 're going to have a housemate , David . " Urs chuckled at the suggestion . " Healing Heart Hotel , my friend , Healing Heart Hotel . " Then he looked closely at his friend , real concern showing in his eyes . " Are you alright , David ? " " I don 't know , to be honest . Sometimes I thought I could pull through , other times it just hurt so bad I wish I could die , " David answered quietly . There was a moment of silence before he continued , looking up with a smile , " But I 'm not going to give up so easily . Sandra will never forgive me if I did . I just need a little bit more time . " This brought a big smile on David 's face and Sam was happy to see that . This was the smile she had been waiting to see , the smile that she so loved to see . It brought back memories of his and Sandra 's wedding preparations . He was so happy they were finally getting married that he couldn 't wipe the smile off his face whenever they talked about the wedding . Sam thought he had to be the happiest man alive then and Sandra agreed and confessed happily , " I live for that smile , Sam . " " Alive and kicking , but barely , " David answered with candor , drawing a concerned look from his friend . " It 's ok , I 'll pull through . With so much to do at the EC , I 'm beginning to enjoy my little holiday here . And that creek at the back of the property has such breath - taking view , it takes my mind off everything . " Sebastien knew David was just trying to make him feel better so he decided not to question him further . He would find out from Urs and Sam about how he was really coping . Ginny gave David a warm embrace and smiled into his eyes . " I 'm so happy to see you again , David . In fact , if you hadn 't come here , we would have flown to the States to see you . " " Shucks ! I should have stayed where I was and waited for you to come over . Saves me the trouble of packing and unpacking . " Ginny playfully punched him on his arm and then hooking her arm through his , walked him into the family room , leaving Sebastien to handle their two children . " Aunt Ginny ! Uncle Seb ! " Angel cried out when she saw the small group approaching the room . She ran forward and hugged the adults , her twin siblings followed suit . " Lily ! " she called out as she ran towards the four - year - old daughter of Ginny and Sebastien Izambard . Lily smiled shyly at her friend as Angel held her hand . " I can 't help it . Whenever I wanted to punish them for doing something wrong , they 'd look at me with those sad puppy eyes and my heart just melt . They must have learnt that from you , Ginny . " Ginny smacked him on his arm before turning her attention to Sam . The girls hugged and Urs replied on Sam 's behalf , somewhat smugly , " Sam is doing very well , thank you for your concern . As for me being of any help , look at my children and you 'll know I 've been hard at work around here . Would have loved a number four but wife said three is enough . " Laughter rang around the room at that quick wit . Urs walked over and placed an arm around her reassuringly , " We 'll bring the kids along . We 'll manage , like we did during the last tour . Besides , now that they 're older , it should be easier . And , they love travelling . " David looked on with mixed emotions . On the one hand , he really wanted to get back on stage again ; on the other hand , he wasn 't sure he could cope with travelling without Sandra beside him . Although she didn 't always travel with him when Il Divo toured , still they remained close with each other through phone calls and video chats . This tour would be so different , did he really want it ? Urs asked what was on his mind . " I 'm not sure if I want it but I think I need to get out there and start living again . And the only way I know how is to get back on stage and do what I do best . So maybe I don 't want it , but I do need it . " Sam was glad he didn 't try to hide his feelings . Being able to talk through the pain was a step toward recovery for him . She walked over and gave him a hug and an encouraging smile , " I 'm sure you 'll manage . We 're here for you . " Over dinner , the men discussed about the upcoming album that was on the cards . It was supposed to be out six months ago but because of Sandra 's passing , they had shelved the project to a later date . They decided it would be good if they could do a mini tour to promote this new album . Of course , it also hinged on Carlos 's decision . The children were chatting animatedly among themselves . Nick telling his friends about the Transformer toys that his daddy bought for his birthday and Anthony listened with envy . Urs noticed that look and said to him , " Do you want that for your birthday , Tony ? " " And where 's the THUD warning and THUD cushion ? " Ginny exclaimed amid all the laughter . " At the rate he 's going , Urs , he 's going to win over all your Ubers and more ! " Grace looked at her with her big brown eyes and as if her little world had suddenly crumbled around her , started wailing , " That 's not true ! Barbie will grow up ! " More wailing ensued . " Now , now , Grace sweetie , please don 't cry . Look , everyone 's laughing at you . Come , let 's go and clean up your face , all right ? " Sam excused herself and took Grace by her hand and led her to the bathroom . On the way there , Sam tried to explain to her daughter why Barbie couldn 't grow up . David and Sebastien couldn 't stop laughing , and Urs smiled . At least with the little kids to provide some form of amusement , David wouldn 't feel so lonely . But he had made a promise to Sandra and he hoped he would be able to fulfill it . Then his mind switched to Carlos . What would he think about their idea ? He wondered aloud and that set the rest of the group thinking and talking about Carlos Marin , their Spanish Divo . Through Sebastien , who was closest to Carlos , they learnt that the couple had a heated argument when Joanne 's friend saw him leaving a hotel with another woman . Carlos denied cheating on his wife and said that the woman was a childhood friend whom he had met up for a little catching up . It didn 't help his cause when the woman called him several times on his mobile and one night Joanne answered it . It was the last straw after a string of arguments centered round that same woman . This happened two months ago . " They exchanged heated words , he said something awful and she said she 's had enough , " Sebastien explained . " They 've been living separately for the past month and Joanne finally put the papers on the table for him to sign last week . He was stumped but luckily wasn 't stumped enough to pick up the pen and sign . He told her he wouldn 't sign . " " This is crazy . How many times have we told him to stop flirting , especially since he 's married ? He may not have been interested in the other woman but she might feel differently , " David remarked with a shake of his head . " That doesn 't mean it 's right for him to flirt . It 's just an excuse . Well , it 's his life anyway . If he keeps at it , it 's going to end in a divorce sooner or later , " David could hardly contain his anger as he said those words . Sebastien was taken aback by that outburst and was not very pleased about it . To him , David was being insensitive to Carlos 's plight . Urs , on the other hand , was more understanding . " I know how you feel , David . And I agree with you that he 's playing with fire . He 's coming over next week so maybe if he let us know what really happened , we may be able to help . " He looked up to see Sam nodding at him in agreement as she took her seat at the table again . David spent the Saturday playing with the Buhler kids . They played at the playground at the back of the house . They were his salvation . He found he could totally forget the emptiness when he was with them . Angel was especially sweet , always so thoughtful and sensitive to his feelings . Whenever he had momentarily lapses and stared into space while thinking of Sandra , like when he said something to the kids and then remembered saying those words her , Angel would gently tugged at him and smiled , " A penny for your thoughts . Daddy always says that to me when I 'm thinking . " On Sunday Sam packed a picnic basket and they all headed down to the lake for a little picnic after church . Stretching his full frame on a blanket with his head propped up on an elbow , David casually remarked , " I 'm surprised Seb didn 't buy the property further down . I thought he wanted a piece of this setting . " " Start all over again . Fall in love again . Sandra will always be in your heart , but that doesn 't mean you can 't love another woman . " Urs was playing in the water with his three children when he heard laughter coming from his wife and David . He turned to look at them and saw them playfully wrestling and whacking each other , like two little kids . He smiled . It had been a long while since they did that during the tour . Sam would always give as good as she got , and David being the big kid , would always keep trying to rile her . When Urs turned his attention back to his kids , he found that he was almost drenched to his underwear as the three little ones had ganged up to splash water all over him . He picked up the nearest kid , Gracie , and put her over his shoulder , then with Tony tucked under his other arm , he told Angel it was time for something to eat . With two screaming children struggling to be freed , he headed to the picnic area behind Angel . " Don 't be silly . A guy with a look like yours won 't be lonely for long . Divas around the world are just waiting for the announcement that you 're ready for love again . " Il Divo had stormed into the music scene globally right from their first album and their last world tour showed just how successful the group was . Their French and Swiss Divos , Sebastien and Urs , had gotten married in a secretly planned wedding in which their brides , Ginny and Sam , were kept in the dark until the day of their wedding . This wedding plan was hatched in the hospital where Sebastien stayed when he suffered a knife wound trying to save Ginny . All that had happened almost five years ago . The men decided to shelf the next world tour after the double wedding to allow the newly weds to adjust to their married life . Soon after the wedding , Ginny gave birth to Lily and Sam went into labour and delivered Angel Elisabeth Buhler . This postponed the tour further as the two Divo dads wanted time to bond with their babies . It was eighteen months later that they started touring the world again . As for David and Sandra , they never got to plan their wedding until just before the tour ended because of their hectic schedules . Sandra was given a lucrative role in a movie production and David had several opera engagements which he couldn 't turn down . They had both agreed to wait till the tour ended to get married . But the wedding never took place . A month after the world tour , David lost Sandra to a car accident just two months before their wedding . Saying that he was shattered was an understatement . He was plunged into depression and had only recently been able to pick himself up , until Sandra 's death anniversary a month ago put him back into depression again . News that Sandra was run down by a reckless teenage drunk - driver hit Sam very hard as she and Sandra had gotten very close to each other ever since Sam 's wedding . Sandra would always call her for advice on matters of the heart , and Sam would always lend a sympathetic ear when she needed to rant about the infuriating David . The couple had been to stay with the Buhlers on a couple of occasions . " Tomboy to you , but a woman through and through to me , " Urs smiled as he looked at his wife lovingly . Sam blushed a little at the open affection by her husband . After years of marriage to her Swiss Divo , she still felt amazed by the intensity of their feelings for each other . Normally , she would have kissed him for being so sweet to her but she was ever so mindful of David 's feelings and settled for a demure smile instead . Judith Tan said : September 24 , 2012 at 3 : 10 pm Thanks , Joan . THUDS are what readers always ask for but I 'm trying not to write too much of that 😛 But my new story will have some funny THUD scenes 😉 Stay tuned … For how long I have no idea ! LOL I rather thought Sandra was based on Sarah Joy and Joana on Innocence . Carlos is carrying on with his flirting now , just as he did in reality … which ended in a divorce , although they obviously still care about each other . I wonder if they will stay together . Judith Tan said : January 21 , 2014 at 6 : 04 am Thank you so much for taking the time and interest to read my stories , Ella . I didn 't base Sandra on SJ . In fact , I didn 't know I was going to write book 2 after finishing book 1 ( Urs and Seb story ) . As for Carlos , I wrote him base on his public persona . So glad you enjoy reading them 🙂 |
Let me tell you a story … Hundreds and hundreds of years ago , in ancient Greece , there was a very famous philosopher called Diogenes the Dog . Diogenes went about naked , slept on the streets , and begged for scraps of food . So the children used to make fun of him and they pointed at him shouting " You 're just a dirty dog ! " If a crowd of people made fun of me and called me a dirty dog , I might cry , but Diogenes didn 't let things like that upset him . Nothing bothered him . My mother used to say : " Sticks and stones may break my bones , but words will never hurt me . " Diogenes wasn 't hurt by words , even when people called him a nasty dog . He just laughed and said " You know what , you 're right , I am a dog … I 'm the dog of Zeus ! " Now , the god Hades had a pet dog , called Cerberus , whose job it was to guard all the dead people , the ghosts , in the Underworld . But Diogenes said he was the guard dog of Zeus , Hades ' brother , the god of the living . And his job was to guard over living people , and show them when they were doing wrong . He would bark at them like a dog , when he saw them doing silly things or misbehaving . Some people were scared of him but other people really loved him , and followed him around , hoping to learn from him and become wise . Let me tell you three things about dogs … Number one : dogs love people who are nice to them and give them food ; they lick their hands , rub up against their legs , and follow them around . Number two : dogs bark at people who have food but won 't share it with them . And number three : they sometimes get angry and bite people who upset them by trying to steal their food . ( You have to be careful if you want to take a bone away from a dog . ) Diogenes said he was like a dog but instead of food he only wanted one thing : wisdom . If people had wisdom and gave it to him , he 'd be their best friend for life , and follow them around . If they had wisdom but didn 't share it , he 'd bark at them until they did . And if they didn 't have wisdom but were foolish and wanted to do bad things , he 'd bite them , or hit them with his stick ! One day , Diogenes was captured by a gang of pirates . They chained him up , threw him on their ship , and sailed away with him . They wanted to sell him as a slave , which is a person that belongs to someone else like a pet , or like an animal that 's made to work for them . ( People aren 't allowed to have slaves anymore because it 's wrong , but a long time ago there were lots of slaves . ) Diogenes wasn 't bothered . When they tried to sell him , he just rolled around on the floor laughing . A rich man was looking at him and Diogenes said " You look like you need a good boss , to tell you what to do ! " So the man bought him , and instead of being his slave , Diogenes became his boss , and his teacher . The man and his sons followed Diogenes around and learned a lot of wisdom from him . Now Dogs will eat almost anything and people say one day Diogenes ate an octopus that upset his tummy , because it hadn 't been cooked properly . That 's how he died . When he was gone , though , everyone missed him , and the people in his home town built a pillar with a statue of a white dog on top so they would always remember him and so their children would also learn about Diogenes the philosopher , the dog of Zeus . Once upon a time , almost five hundred years ago , in the Northeast of England , there lived a young boy called John Lambton . His father was a very important man , called the Earl of Lambton , and they lived in a big house called Lambton Castle . John Lambton was a very naughty boy . At least he seemed so on the outside . On the inside , though , he was good - he just didn 't know it yet . One Sunday morning when he was supposed to be going to church with the other children he decided to sneak off because it was a lovely sunny day and he wanted to smell the flowers and go fishing . So he ran away , down a path to a big river , called the River Wear . Half - way to the river , he he met an old man walking the other way . The old man stopped when John Lambton drew near . He didn 't say anything at first . He just looked at him strangely . Suddenly he barked " No good will come of this ! " , and then turned away and walked off quickly down the path . ( Some people say the old man wasn 't really a man at all but something else , maybe a dragon or an angel in disguise . ) Anyway , John Lambton ignored him and carried on walking down to the river where he hid among some trees so nobody would find him , and began fishing . Although he was there all day long he didn 't catch any fish , and he was getting bored . He was just about to go home when something odd happened , though . He felt a tug on his fishing line and he pulled a creature out of the water but it wasn 't a fish . It was something very queer indeed : a little black worm covered in slime , and it wriggled in his hands and wrapped itself around his fingers . John Lambton looked at the worm for a long time and the worm looked right back at him , and it gurned , which means it pulled a horrid face . He carried it in his hands , and kept on staring at it as he began walking away from the river , back along the path toward his home , Lambton Castle . It was an ugly - looking creature , like an eel with a strangely - shaped head , and it seemed quite angry . As he passed the church , John Lambton suddenly felt that he had to get rid of the worm . There was something about it that upset him . So he threw it down a deep , dark well by the side of the road . He wiped the slime from his hands as he walked away , and he forgot all about it … Now , John Lambton 's mother and father loved him very much . However , with each day that passed , he felt a stronger desire to leave England , see the rest of the world , and have adventures . Finally , that little boy grew up into a man , he became a knight , and from that time forward was known as " Sir John Lambton " . To seek adventure , he decided to go on crusade , which meant travelling to a distant land called Palestine , or the Holy Land . His father , the Earl of Lambton , was sad to see him go but he gave John Lambton , a very special present , something that would protect him in battle . It was a great silver shield called Invictus , which means it can never be broken - by anything ! Nobody really knew where the great shield Invictus came from . People said it was over a thousand years old , but there wasn 't a scratch or a dent anywhere on its surface . The Earl of Lambton also gave his son a mighty war - horse , strong enough to carry a knight in heavy armour . John Lambton called his horse Bucephalus , after a famous horse from long ago . His name means " head like an ox " . That horse was as big and strong as an ox , and as brave as a lion . John Lambton took the shield Invictus and travelled with his horse Bucephalus to the Holy Land , far away across land and sea . He joined a troop of brave knights , who became his closest friends . For many years he fought in many battles , his bravery grew , and he became famous as a soldier . Knights ride horses but Sir John Lambton got down from his horse , Bucephalus , took off his armour , and marched on foot beside the other men , sometimes for hundreds of miles . When the soldiers ate food and drank water , John Lambton sat and watched them from a distance . He wouldn 't even eat a crumb or drink a drop of water until his men had eaten and drank enough . Sometimes the soldiers had to take up picks and shovels to dig trenches and build walls . Although John Lambton was in charge of the other men , he would still get down in the trench and dig alongside everyone else until the work was done . So the soldiers loved him , and he became famous as a good knight and as a leader of men . Ten years passed . With every day he spent in the Holy Land , John Lambton learned more and more about the men his army were fighting there , and he became quite sad . He was upset because he realised that he didn 't want to fight them anymore . He began to spend more time with the men he was supposed to be fighting . He spoke to their wise men , who were called " philosophers " . These men taught John Lambton many special things because they saw he was so brave and good , and the wise love the brave . So although they were once enemies , John Lambton and the philosophers of the Holy Land now became good friends . The knights stopped fighting and the people began to live in peace . With no more battles , though , John Lambton decided it was time for him to return to his family home , to Lambton Castle in the Northeast of England . He missed his mother , his father , and his friends . This may sound strange , but it was the day he decided to stop fighting and return home that people say John Lambton became a real hero . As he was packing his bags to leave , one of the wise men took him aside and whispered a secret in his ear . It was a story . He didn 't tell anyone about the secret because he didn 't feel he really understood it yet , but he kept thinking about it … While he was with the troop of knights , though , John Lambton had forgotten about something that he 'd left behind at home . He 'd forgotten about the worm . For ten long years , he 'd been away in the Holy Land . For ten long years the worm had been at the bottom of the well . It lived in the dirt and mud and slime and it ate rocks - lots of rocks ! As the worm grew bigger and bigger , it swallowed bigger and bigger rocks , and it became more and more angry , until it was full of rocks and anger , and nothing else . It grew into a great black snake with big black wings : a dragon ! It grew so big that one day it climbed out of the well , and then it crawled all over the land causing chaos and devastation , upsetting all the people . It wrapped itself round and round cows , squashed them , and ate them . It squashed the sheep and ate those too . The people were so scared of the worm that as soon as they saw it coming they started running around waving their arms in the air and going " woo - woo - woo ! " When the worm was really , really angry it would wrap its tail around a big tree , rip it right out of the ground , wave it about like a big wooden club and crush the people 's houses into tiny pieces . SMASH ! At night it would crawl all over the land causing more devastation and during the day it would wrap itself ten times around a big hill and squeeze it tight , as it went to sleep . The people who lived near Lambton Castle started to call the place " Worm Hill " because that 's where the worm slept all day long , snoring , with smoke coming from its nostrils . When John Lambton returned home his mother , his father , and his friends were all very happy to see him because he 'd been gone for so many years , and they were proud of him because he had become a hero far away in the Holy Land . He saw right away that something was very wrong , though , and he was very sorry for the people . He saw the great big worm wrapped ten times around Worm Hill , squeezing it , as it slept , smoke coming from its nostrils . He saw that the tiny worm had grown into a huge monster ! His mother and father told him what had happened , and that the worm had eaten all of the cows and sheep , and crushed all the houses . The people told him that when they tried to cut the worm in half the two pieces would crawl back together and become one again , all fixed , good as new , as if by magic - so nobody could stop the worm . The worm 's anger had turned into a powerful magic spell that protected it and made it very strong . John Lambton was a hero now , though , not a little boy any more . Deep inside he knew for sure that it was his job to stop the worm somehow and save the people - that had become his destiny . He just didn 't know yet how he was going to do it . John Lambton remembered something from his childhood , though . There was a strange old woman who lived in a dark cave , hidden in the woods . When John Lambton was a little boy , the people called her a witch . Now , though , he realised she was actually a wise old woman . She was a philosopher too and he knew that he needed her wisdom to help him beat the worm . So John Lambton visited the witch 's cave , deep in the woods , late at night , when it was dark . They both sat by the fire in her kitchen , drinking green tea , and John Lambton talked to her about his adventures far away , with the knights in Palestine . He saw that she was wise and good , and they became friends . So John Lambton told the wise old woman the secret that was whispered to him by the philosophers in the Holy Land . The secret was a very special story : it was a little story within a story … The story goes like this … Once upon a time , many hundreds of years ago - nearly two and half thousand years ago - there was a famous soldier , a general who led an army of ten thousand men . His name was Xenophon . When Xenophon was a young man , before he became famous , he was walking through the city of Athens late at night . He walked down a very narrow street , an alleyway , between two tall buildings , and it was very dark . Suddenly , a mysterious figure at the end of the alleyway blocked Xenophon 's path by holding out a staff , made of ash - wood . Xenophon took a step back in surprise . Then the man asked him a very strange question . He said : " Do you know where someone should go if he wants to buy goods ? " He meant lots of " good things " like food , and clothes , and jewellery . Xenophon was brave so he answered confidently : " Yes , of course , Athens has one of the finest markets in the world ; you can buy whatever goods you like just a few streets from here . " " I see " , replied the stranger , " so then can you tell me where someone must go if he wants to become a good person ? " Xenophon was startled - he didn 't know what to say . He didn 't know the answer to that question . So the stranger lowered his staff and stepped out of the shadows … He introduced himself and said his name was Socrates . He had a snub nose and a big round belly , but Xenophon recognised him immediately , and he knew he was an old soldier , a war hero , and he was also a very wise man . In fact , some people say Socrates was the wisest man who ever lived , the greatest philosopher of them all . Socrates said to Xenophon , " You should come with me then and together we 'll try to discover how someone can become a good person . " So they became best friends and used to talk and talk for hours together . Many years later , Xenophon wrote a book about all the wise things he remembered his friend saying , called the Memorabilia of Socrates . One of the things he remembered was this … Most people say there are lots of good things and lots of bad things in the world - all sorts of different things … but Socrates said they 're all wrong . He said there 's only one truly good thing in the world , and it 's inside you , not outside . That was one of the things Socrates used to say , and he said it to his friend Xenophon , who remembered it and wrote it down . So that was the story of Socrates and Xenophon and it was the secret whispered in John Lambton 's ear by the philosophers of the Holy Land . They remembered this ancient story when everyone else had forgotten it . It puzzled him , though , because they didn 't tell him what it was called , this good thing , that was only inside and not outside . So he had to think about it himself , for a long time … As he was telling this story to the old woman , though , John Lambton suddenly realised the answer : the good thing inside doesn 't really have a name ! It 's two things rolled into one : wisdom and bravery combined . So John Lambton told this to the wise old woman and she understood and agreed with him . When she heard this secret , the old woman saw that John Lambton was a hero and that he was learning wisdom . The wise love the brave , so the old woman helped John Lambton as best she could . She told him another secret , a second secret whispered in his ear . So as John Lambton left the darkness of the witch 's cave and walked through the woods , back out in the daylight , he knew that he could now defeat the worm . John Lambton 's best friend was a blacksmith , a man with a hammer and an anvil who makes things out of metal . His name was John Smith , but everyone just called him Mr . Smith or Smithy , because that was his job , and he did it very well . So these two friends , John Lambton and John Smith , met and spoke about the devastation caused by the worm . Then they worked together all night long , hammering metal and making things . John Lambton made a great longsword , and he called it " Hard Belly " , after another famous sword . He joked that it had such a tough belly that it could eat anything , and that it was going to eat a dragon for breakfast ! His friend , Smithy , made John Lambton a very special suit of armour . He made great big metal boots and metal greaves for John Lambton 's legs … metal gloves or gauntlets and metal bracers for his arms … a metal breastplate to go on his chest … and a shiny metal helmet for his head … a whole suit of armour , made with love , that shone in the sunlight like the great shield Invictus . On the breastplate Smithy had engraved a beautiful picture of a lamb 's head , the symbol of Lambton Castle . John Lambton told Smithy that the witch was really a lady - philosopher , a wise old woman . She 'd said they must cover the metal armour in lots and lots of sharp spikes . So that 's what they did , the two friends working all night long together , side by side . They used lots of broken spears and swords to make sharp spikes and when they were finished the suit of armour was bristling all over with them . When John Lambton first tried on his new suit of armour , Smithy joked that he looked like a shiny metal hedgehog or porcupine . Then they both rested a little while and told each other jokes and stories until morning . At daybreak , just as the sun was rising , John Lambton put his spiky suit of armour back on and picked up his mighty longsword , called Hard Belly , and the great shield Invictus . The wise woman had explained to him that to defeat the worm he would have to stand in the River Wear and fight there so that 's where he went , riding the mighty war - horse Bucephalus . When he reached the banks of the River Wear , John Lambton climbed down from his big horse . He waded into the river , at the spot where he first caught the worm when it was small and he was fishing as a boy . He stood in the water , looked upstream , and waited there patiently for a moment . In the distance he saw the worm coiled ten times around Worm Hill , and it was just beginning to go to sleep . Then John Lambton called out at the top of his voice " Baarooooooo ! Baarooooooo ! " , a special sound the witch taught him to make . When the worm heard that sound it knew John Lambton was there and it awoke from its slumber . When it saw him standing in the river it was angry . Its eyes widened and they glowed red like fire , then they narrowed and turned black with rage , and it squeezed the hill harder than it had ever squeezed before , so the hill shook , and the rocks crumbled , and cracked , and rubble tumbled down the hillside . People say that even today there are marks on Worm Hill where the dragon squeezed it so tight . When John Lambton saw that the worm was awake he knelt down on one knee in the river , and the water came right up to his shoulders , and flowed around him , but because his spiked armour was heavy the river didn 't wash him away . He knelt down and leant on the hilt - the handle - of his mighty longsword for support . He watched the great black dragon uncoil itself from the hill and slither down into the River Wear . He saw it swimming toward him , coming faster and faster and faster downstream , as it grew angrier and angrier , rushing down the river toward him . Now , even though his eyes should have been wide open with fear , John Lambton closed his eyes , and he relaxed inside , he calmed his mind , because he needed to concentrate and he needed to call up all of his bravery to defeat the giant worm . Even though his hands should have been shaking with fear , they weren 't , they were calm and steady … Even though his heart should have been pounding fast - boom , boom , boom - it was slow and steady , and its rhythm was peaceful … Even though his muscles should have been tense , and his face should have been wrinkled with fear and worry , they weren 't … His face was calm , and his body was relaxed . For one minute his eyes remained closed , and he remembered what the wise women had taught him , and what the wise men in the Holy Land had said . The witch told him to speak to his heart and to summon up his bravery and the wise men told him the secret of bravery : it was something the philosopher Socrates had said long , long ago , in the distant past . So he spoke to his heart and he said : " Worm , you can crush me but you cannot harm me … " John Lambton realised now that nothing could ever harm the goodness inside of him , whatever the outcome of the battle . There was nothing the worm or anyone else could do to take away his wisdom and bravery because it came from deep within him , from his heart , right at his very centre . He whispered those words to himself three times as he knelt in the river … and he took a deep breath in … and then he breathed out slowly … and he raised his head … and he opened his eyes , and looked up … and the dragon was upon him ! As the worm rushed down the River Wear toward John Lambton , one of his friends was watching from the river side , high up in a tree where he 'd hidden . John Lambton 's friend was called Catweazle , and he was a bard , a man who writes songs and plays music . Catweazle was very circumspect , which means he always paid attention and knew everything that was going on . He saw everything that happened in the river . He watched the whole battle unfold , and he wrote a song about it . Other people heard his song and they wrote songs of their own , about the hero John Lambton , and the dreaded worm , and those songs have been sung for hundreds of years . This is what Catweazle the Bard saw that day … The worm leapt upon John Lambton but because the brave knight was kneeling deep , up to his shoulders , in the water , it couldn 't see that he was covered in spikes , like a metal hedgehog or a porcupine . It wrapped itself round and round his body and tried to crush him with all of its might but when it did this the worm got a nasty surprise - it got spiked ! The worm cried " Rooooaaaaaar ! " , which means " Ouch ! " , because it hurts to grab something spiky - the suit of armour was like a big metal cactus . The worm had to let go of John Lambton right away , but as it let go it thrashed its massive tail and knocked John Lambton off balance so he didn 't see what was coming . The dragon opened its great big mouth as wide as it could , as if it were about to bite John Lambton or even swallow him whole … but Catweazle saw what was happenning from up in his tree and he yelled " Look out ! Look out ! " When John Lambton heard his friend , quick as lightning , he threw his great shield , called Invictus , as hard as he could , right into the dragon 's mouth . It wedged right there in his jaws and though the dragon tried to bite down he couldn 't break the shield - it was stuck in his mouth . So for a moment , the worm was distracted as it tried to shake the shield loose , and get it out of its mouth . When he saw this , the knight rose out of the River Wear and he lifted his mighty longsword , Hard Belly , high over his head , and brought it down with all his strength , so powerfully that it chopped the dragon clean in half . John Lambton was fast , though , as well as strong . So he kept swinging his sword again and again , until the worm was sliced up into a hundred tiny pieces . Usually the worm 's anger created a magic spell that protected it , so that when it was chopped into pieces , those pieces would be drawn back together , to join together , and fix him . Today the worm was in the River Wear , though , and the waters were flowing fast and strong around him , and around the knight John Lambton . So all those pieces were swept away , down the river , and into the sea , before the worm 's magic could join them back together again . Now some people say that the dragon 's magic was so powerful that he 's still alive even though he 's in lots of little pieces spread across the bottom of the ocean . John Lambton 's father told him , " To be everywhere is to be nowhere " , though , and he said that means the worm is gone for good and he 's never coming back . Anyway , the people were all very relieved , and very happy . Catweazle sang his song about the brave knight Sir John Lambton and how he tricked the great worm , and beat him , and saved the people , and their sheep and cows , and houses . John Lambton danced . His mother and father danced . His friends Catweazel and Smithy danced . Even the wise old woman , the witch , danced . The people were all so happy they danced to Catweazle 's song . They told John Lambton they were very proud of him indeed . So his story became a famous legend , a great story , that people have told their children , for hundreds of years … and now you know that story , and one day perhaps you 'll be able to tell your children the legend of the Lambton Worm too . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
NaNoWriMo Part 5Well , this is it for the NaNoWriMo thing as an actual NaNoWriMo thing . I failed even more spectacularly this year than last year , but that 's okay ; I knew it would happen like that . I 'll probably come back to this at some point , but there are other bits of fiction I want to write more / first . Here goes , it 's the beginning of a chapter or section called : DurdenOne of the things that Tyler hated were malls . Either they 're freshly cleaned and smell of disinfectant or they haven 't been cleaned for a while and they stink like too many monkeys in a cage . Some people believed that they were for convenient shopping , but how could that be when there are eight stores , with different names , that sell the exact same clothes and three stores that sold games and all the so called music stores sold the same fifteen new albums and displayed DVD , not CDs , in the windows ? There was no variety at any mall , anywhere . Tyler saw them only as locations built for too large parking lots where people could go inside and still convince themselves that they were going " out . " They weren 't out , though . " Out " was someplace more interesting than Forever 21 or Pottery Bar . " Out " was some activity that wasn 't all about money . " Out " was some food that wasn 't timed by a machine so it was exactly the same as all the other hundreds of convenient locations . " Out " was people talking about more than the thing in the window or what 's on sale or what 's new or the slowness of the escalator . Most people rarely , if ever , did " out . " And yet , here he was sitting in the food court on the second floor , sucking on a frozen coffee - like drink , in a mall . At least it was the open mall on K Street , so it didn 't carry the stink of too many people crammed into too small a place trying to spend money as quickly as they were sweating . Not that he was comfortable there , but the gas heat lamps really kept the chill out of the air . " Durden ! " he heard and looked around him . No one . It had to be for him , though . No one had a nickname as stupid as this one . " Durden ! " heBy Thanksgiving was really pretty great this year . It was at my parents ' house , which isn 't quite set up for parties , since a third of the square footage is downstairs , and things can get crowded quickly . My mom 's parents were there and her brother and two of his kids ( nine and six ) . Neither of my brothers were there . ( One 's in Peru , and that 's quite a trip to make for a weekend . ) My mom also invited Johnny Logic and Heels and their son ( two ) over , since their family Thanksgiving was on Friday . There was noshing and talking and card playing and Guess Who playing and watching the two - year old play with the cats ' water dish and probably other things that I 've forgotten . ( The dish is a big glass thing with marbles and water in it . Hell , here 's a picture of him playing . The towel wasn 't there when he started . ) At one point , Heels mentioned the notion of a possibility of a job where she works . In fact , it 'd sort of be as assistant to her , which would probably change the whole tone of this blog ( " You know , that Heels is the greatest boss in the world . She 's so smart and beautiful . I 'm surprised that she doesn 't run the place . She should . She just so damn good . Everyone pales in comparison to her . And the way she treats her subordinates is spectacular . I 've never seen anyone go out of their way to make people feel so useful and needed in a company . " ) because she reads this stuff when her Bloglines gets pinged . Still , if it actually comes up , I actually have stuff that could be put into a portfolio . I 'm happy to know that there 's a notion of a possibility of a job that could actually put some of my schooling to use . Friday was a slow day . I did a lot of laundry . Saturday was spent at Costco and my grandparents ' ( my dad 's parents ) house and a restaurant . We pre - celebrated my grandma 's and uncle 's birthday , which was actually yesterday . I spent Sunday in a bad mood and left a hour later than I wanted to . Then I got here and put stuff away and slept . Dear Mrs . Le Guin , A long time ago , I first read your Earthsea trilogy . I was young when I read it through the first time , fourth grade ( nineteen years ago , now ) . I remember finding the boxed set at a library book sale earlier in the year and they reminded me of the boxed set of The Chronicles of Narnia I got for Christmas a month or so before , and they looked to be about the same size as the Narnia books ; I still wasn 't ready for four and five hundred page books back then . I figured when I was done with Narnia , I 'd start a new set of fantasy books and they 'd be yours . With Narnia finished , a few weeks later , I eagerly started in on A Wizard of Earthsea . I was confused . There was some stuff going on in there , Ged getting his true name and learning the true names of things , but it was so dense . The Narnia books were pretty straight forward ; I knew who was bad , who was good , and the heroes started in a weaker position and worked hard to defeat the evil . Earthsea wasn 't so easy ; Ged was the hero , but he made some big mistakes and the bad people he faced weren 't necessarily evil , just people ; and he may have been growing up in that first book , but the story of his life didn 't always work in an A to B to C way , rather it bounced from one moment to another to another with Ged as the only real connection , until he moved to Roke . By the time I finished the trilogy , I was baffled . I found some interesting things in the books , but there was so much more that I didn 't understand . So , I put the set on my small bookshelf next to Narnia , but whenever I looked at them the Narnia set made me happy and your set made me feel confused and frustrated . I moved on to other books . Orson Scott Card 's Ender 's Game , in fifth grade , opened me up to science fiction . I remember going through science fiction books at the store and the library and seeing your name on novels that seemed to be science fiction rather than fantasy . Some looked interesting , but there was always something nagging in my head , reminding me of how hard a time I had readingBy NaNoWriMo Part 4Didn 't get much done this week and what was done is sort of muddled , incomplete sentences and all . Hell , on the other hand , was what her pre - flight pit stop was supposed to take care of . She got air sick . Not the simple air sick of the movies where a person vomits once into a bag and goes on with the flight , no , she got air sick like most people got sea sick . She started getting queasy when she felt the engines start up . By the time they were barely off the ground , she 'd thrown up at least once . Dramamine . TV TimeClick - - " The nation is stunned this morning after a shocking speech given by the president yesterday afternoon in which he blamed the people of America for the problems he 's been experiencing as president . We go live to Breanne Vanhoose who 's in Washington now . Breanne ? " " I 'm standing across from the White House on one of the most famous streets in America . But instead of the majestic mansion that 's stood for hundreds of years , you 'll see only protesters . They 're here to voice their anger with the president and the words he spoke yesterday . " I spoke with a few of the protesters earlier and asked if they knew that the President had gone home for the holiday and all said it didn 't matter , they 'd be here every day until he came back after the new - - " Click - - " - - the most brilliant thing he 's done since he was elected . He 's energized the base like no person since Martin Luther King Junior . They 're all talking about what he said . They all have an opinion . They all - - " Click - - " - - idiotic move on his part . He 's ruined the chances of his party during the next national elections . They 're going to loose every seat they gained . . . " " Are you suggesting that they made gains in the last election ? Because I don 't remember that . In fact , I think that President Gandbuth actually brought in up in his statment yesterdayFinishing School , or At Least the QuarterGretchen had only one more final and then her first quarter at college would be finished . The final was on a Saturday , though . She wanted to take the person wBy I tweaked my back yesterday . I 'm not sure how because it didn 't happen during the night or around my apartment in the morning or on the walk to work . No . It happened as I was stepping out of the elevator . When I stepped forward with my right foot , my back protested . I took a step with my left foot , all was fine . Right foot , pain . Left foot , normalcy . Stopped , okay . Right , owwww . Left , nada . Odd . I walked into work , cringing at every other step . I sat at my desk . At first , there was a little ache , but it went away after about 30 seconds . I stood up to go on my break , I was okay and hoped that it had gone a way . Right foot forward and a little gasp escaped . All day it went on like that . Walked back to my apartment with a limp that felt , and probably looked , awkward . It didn 't hurt climbing the stairs , though . When I got in bed , I felt better , but occasionally I moved my leg in some way and the back went , oh . Been that way all day . Hoping it doesn 't get worse , I have a long drive tomorrow night . I 've once again fallen into bored mode . There 's work in my basket that I could be looking though , but tomorrow I 'm supposed to take some time training the new SLT on how we process the mail we get each day , which means that I need mail for him to process , and I don 't want to process the mail now only to have to show him how to do it tomorrow only to do it for myself again after he 's through . The stupidest thing about this training that that he 'll never have to do the work that I do . SLTs work for the judges . SLTs do what , in other places , legal secretaries do . SLTs never do the work that I do unless one of us clerks royally fucks up . I 'm only going to be working with him for an hour , but it 'll be a very wasted hour . It 'll be especially wasted because we 're not working together until 10 : 30 . My first two hours will be spent pretending to work , but not actually working so he can try and do my work . Truly , stupidity should be more appreciated . If it was , then sycophants would be able to tell the truth , and it seems to me that more truth is needed in this world . I 'm not sure what else to write right now . I 'm sick of writing about work , just sick of work . I don 't know if this long weekend will charge my batteries , but it will be nice not being here for a few days . In the past few months , I 've discovered the fun of Stargate : Atlantis . The channel that it 's on showed Farscape last year and changed over to this show at the beginning of the season . At first I was upset , but I was also lazy and bored , so I watched the episode . It was fun and it made me laugh . It 's not great , but sometimes science fiction doesn 't need to be great , just whimsical . I really don 't like the character of Ronon ; he 's like a weaker version of Tyr from Andromeda . ( Yes , I can tell the differences in their back story and other ways , but every time Ronon appears on screen I think of how much better Tyr was right from the start while I 've seen Ronon each week since September and I still think he 's boring . ) Still , the occasional appearance by Robert PicardoBy I was house sitting for a neighbor of my parents who lived down the hill from them . My job was to feed and water the cat and to make sure that the garden didn 't get too dry , although it was during the fall because none of the trees had leaves . Early in the morning on my last day of house sitting , my brother , the middle one , and I decided to go ballooning . He had a hot air balloon that was shaped like a dirigible , longer than it was wide , and the basket was shaped the same way . There was a little propeller attached to the basket , although I don 't remember seeing any motor or anything that would drive the propeller to give us any kind of push forward , but it did . We flew over the neighborhood my parents lived in . Someone had come through and cut out massive amounts of manzanita leaving only the twisted stumps covering the hills . When the sun started rising , my brother gave the propeller a push with his hand and set us down near the place I was house sitting . We checked the garden , which was green and lively , and filled the cat 's food and water down near the house then headed back to the garage , which was where my room was , for some breakfast . Outside the door were two guys , older and larger and better looking than us . We asked them to leave and they got up and went . I opened the door and found the cat , looking like someone had poured vegetable oil all over it . My brother said we should clean it up , so I grabbed it and brought it up with us thinking I could give it a bath in the sink , or at least put it in the tub and blast it with the shower . My brother went to the kitchen to get food , and I headed to the bathroom . I pushed the door open , and heard some splashing . " Who 's there ? " I asked . There wasn 't any answer , just splashing . I asked again and dropped the cat . Still , only splashing . Slowly , I walked to the frosted glass doors of the tub . I didn 't see a shape or anything through the glass . I just heard splashing . I slid the door open , then stuck my head in too look around . I saw a baby sitting in about an inch of water smBy Stupidity , that I don 't wish to write about , melted my brain this morning . Still it made me wonder why I didn 't try to take all of next week off instead of the two days supplied . Thursday can not come soon enough . Yesterday , Blogger blocked comments I wrote on some other people 's blogs . I didn 't know that until this morning . I didn 't rewrite any , though , due to the stupidity mentioned above . Been spending a lot of time , this afternoon , playing this Something * Positive archives . I 'm pretty close to finishing 2005 . Between comics , I also rated things at Amazon to " improve my recommendations . " So far , it 's not suggested anything exciting and new to me , but it 's another good time waster . Be well . NaNoWriMo Part 3By the time she got out of the school and into her car , they were running way more than an hour behind schedule and Cindy really had wanted to be at the air force base before her husband got there so they could get off the ground as soon as possible . She wanted to get back home and get to work . It was the only gift she wanted from Marc anymore . Cindy knew it was odd for a president to leave the White House during Christmas . He was expected to be in Washington right up until Christmas Eve hosting functions and greeting important people from other nations and pardoning turkeys and meeting people who helped buy his way into the Oval Office and also meeting the people who failed to help get people of his party elected everywhere during the last election , and until Marc took office , that 's what all the modern Presidents had done . When Marc had first brought up the possibility of running for President , Cindy made him promise that at least twice each year , for two week stretches , they would spend time at home so she could work in her studio . When he was elected , he tried to talk her out of the promise saying that it was important for the two of them to be at the White House as much as possible because it would reassure the people , since the election had been so close , in the popular vote , at least . He also wanted her in Washington , near him , to show the traditionalists that , as crazy as some of his ideas may seem , being President may be his job , but being a husband and father was his real passion in life , so she couldn 't spend most of the year 3000 miles away from him like she did when for the term he spent as a congressman . She stuck to her guns , though . It was bad enough that she 'd be away from her studio for so long , but she wasn 't going to be away from it all year long and she promised that if he didn 't keep his word she would become an embarrassment to his entire administration and possibly for the first time make the American public want a divorced man as heir President . Together , they decided it wouBy Since I can 't think of anything else to write today , I thought I 'd link you all to my brother 's comic . Title Page for Made in USA . ( Which has nothing of much interest . ) " Chapter 1 " in which our hero discovers smoking . " Chapter 2 " in which our hero is far from home . " Chapter 3 " in which our hero starts a journey back . In making this links , I noticed that , for some reason , he 's missing a chunk that happens between the first and second chapters . It was there last week , before he started fiddling with it . Still , what he has is good and I thought I 'd once again ( He was still posting to MySpace back then . ) point the few of you who visit to the strip . In just a little over eight days , I 'll be on my way up to Cowtown for Thanksgiving . The best thing about that trip will be the being away from here . Sure , visiting with family and ( hopefully ) friends will be great and so will eating too much yummy food , but what I 'm really looking forward to is not being in this general area anymore . I don 't think this is a horrible place , it 's not . Lots of people love it here , but I don 't . I 'm not sure what it is , it 's just not a comfortable fit , for me . I felt more comfortable living in a ( semi - ) crap hole in Cowcity . What am I trying to say here today ? I 'm not sure . I 'm just tired . I haven 't been on an interview since early August ( Or did I have one in September ? ) because of my car and gas and going to something like eleven interviews and not being hired and only being called back for two of them and only getting letters for about five of them . I 've been all over that crap before though . And maybe it 's not even about the crap . Maybe it 's about needing to set my sights higher than me just wanting to live and work somewhere else . But that all I really want right now . I don 't expect to be jumped up a pay grade or suddenly be put in an office with actual responsibilities , that 's not going to happen because I don 't have the experience . I can do my job , though , and I can do it pretty quickly and accurately . I can learn how to do other things , too , if that 's what the job requires . ( I got this far yesterday evening and then got distracted by work stuff . It was a stupid survey about a stupid program that still hasn 't been completed , but they want to know what we all think about how they 've done so far . The trouble was , it wouldn 't really allow me to be thoughtful in my honesty . Several of the questions supplied an " other " choice and then a one line box to explain that " other . " However , they little box only allowed for 40 characters , including spaces . 40 characters is not much space to write / The space between the letter " e " and the slash would be character 41 in the sentence I was trying tBy I ended up throwing away my copy of Time Enough For Love without finishing it . It was old , bought at a used bookstore , and I knocked it off my bed , the weekend after I wrote that post , and about a hundred pages fell out and scattered across the floor . The book just wasn 't worth trying to piece back together . Sure , it was getting more interesting , though . Ah , well . Now I 'm about halfway through The Return of Little Big Man . If I lay off the comics , I 'll probably finish it before I get back to work on Tuesday ( HOORAY FOR VETERANS DAY ! ) . It 's an okay book . I think , at least so far , the reason it 's not as good as the first is because Jack Crabb is just aimless . In the first book , he started out growing up and just had to survive , first with the Cheyenne and then with the Pendrakes . Next he wanted to be a good white person so he got himself a wife and child and business . Then after they were taken from him and after his search and a little battle , he decided to be a good Cheyenne and got himself a wife who he got pregnant , until she , along with a lot of other Cheyenne , was killed at Washita River . He went into a decline after that , but eventually got it into his mind to take revenge on George Custer . The Jack of Little Big Man wasn 't just watching history happen , he was participating in it while trying to survive it . So far , the Jack of The Return of Little Big Man has pretty much been a witness to history drifting from the Cheyenne he was with at the end of the first book to Deadwood ( at the time Wild Bill Hickok was killed ) , to Dodge City ( where he tended bar and watched Bat Masterson go about doing things ) , to Tombstone ( where tended bar and watched Wyatt Erp and his family , and Doc Holiday , stir up trouble ) . Now he 's traveling with Buffalo Bill Cody in that show , keeping Buffalo Bill in plenty of alcohol . The Jack in this book is just so darn passive . Sure , he sees interesting things , but because they 're so specific to well know individuals , he can 't take part . There 's no more battle in which he can play a part in . By NaNoWriMo Part 2Marc didn 't feel as confident as his smile made him look . His palms were sweating , his heart fluttered , and his stomach was trying to reenact Stomp . He hadn 't felt this way making a speech since he was in high school . After that , he had full speech written by him or with someone else or by someone else ; sometimes he just had a few notes with him so he would sound more off the cuff and personable ; on those rare town hall style occasions where notes would make him look weak , he 'd at least have discussed most of the possible topics with his staff before hand . Today , he had nothing . No one knew he was going to do this . His secret service guy for the day , Agent Grant , only knew that the president wanted to go to the press room . He wiped his hands off on his pants , planted them on the sides of the podium and started to talk to the reporters . " So , good afternoon everyone , and merry Christmas . " " Merry Christmas , Mr . Presidents , " a few of the reporters repeated back . All of them looked surprised . Not one of them had expected Marc to come out here the afternoon before his vacation started . Or maybe they were just surprised to see him in the press room at all . While he preferred to greet crowds of regular people in town hall settings so far , since his election two years ago , he 'd only ever given speeches to the press and when he was finished he 'd be ushered off by aides or secret service or both before anyone could get a question out . Marc smiled again . No one in this room knew what they were getting today . This would be fun . His stomach flipped again . " I know you weren 't expecting me here today , " he said , hand on either side of the podium . " Hell , I can 't remember even being in this room since my family and I took our tour of the White House before I moved in . " Most smiled . A few laughed . " So , I bet you 're all wondering why I 'm here , right ? What would you think if I told you that I 'm here to give you and the rest of the American people the greatest Christmas present , ever ? What if I told you that I 'm here to tell tBy An injured worker came in earlier . He wasn 't here to cause problems , he just wanted some forms to fill out and a little advice . I did my usual song and dance routine to try to get him to speak with the Information and Assistance Officer before he did anything so he 'd have someone knowledgeable to give him some advice also because I don 't like doing the work of the I & A guy , I 'm not trained for it and it 's not my job . He said to me , " I don 't know who you have here , but if it 's that short , weaselly guy . . . " I nodded and said , " Balding ? " " Yeah , " said the man who came in , " I don 't want to be . . . Well , when I came in before he was kind of rude to me . " I nodded again and muttered , " Yeah , he 's like that . " So I got his SSN and found out some of his information online . I gave him this info and asked if he 'd spoken to his attorney about what he wants to do . He launched into his story about how long it 's taking ( I explained that it usually takes a long time , often years and year . ) and how the attorney he had isn 't working on his case any more and now he 's stuck with some young guy ( I explained that his old attorney is semi - retired and moved to another law firm . ) and then he launched into a story about going to see a doctor . That was when I just stood there listening and trying to make understanding noises at the appropriate pauses . Eventually , he finished up and I pointed out where he could find the forms he needed . I still recommended he speak with I & A before he does anything and I reminded that if he was going to dismiss his attorneys that he go there and get all the information they have on his case because he 'll need it . He thanked me and said that it was nice coming in here and being treated so well . I made a joke . I said , " Well we just want to show everyone who comes in here that not all state agencies are like the DMV . " He smiled and said , " Yeah , but even that other guy . . . he was . . . well , he was a jerk and you just made this so easy . " Then he decided to launch into a story about visiting with I & A before and slid back into his curBy She complains , almost daily , about having too much work . And , yet , she 's been at her desk for mos of the past ninety minutes trimming her fingernails . Other days she 's on her cell phone chatting and laughing with , what I assume is , a friend . Sometimes she sits there paying bills and then balancing her checkbook for hours . When she gets her paycheck she does another balancing act on her checkbook as well as adding to pages and pages of notes about her pay that she 's kept for the last ten years . Still , she complains about having too much work . And I don 't understand . I do understand the she 's a person who just likes to complain about things ; she always seems happier when she has had something new to bitch about . What I don 't understand is why she lies to herself . She doesn 't have too much work . I get more work than she does and I sure as hell am not getting too much work . I get very little work and then am supposed to ask for busy work when I 'm finished at my desk . She gets one real spurt of work when the mail comes in and she stamps it and then give it to the lead clerk to distribute . That 's about it , for her , other than going up to the counter , but she really only does that in the morning and in the afternoon seems to expect the rest of us to do it for her , even though she 's been the lead counter clerk for five years . So , why does she lie to herself about her work load ? What does it accomplish ? As I was headed to the toilette this morning , here at work , I was called back because I got a phone call . Apparently it was confidential so they couldn 't just leave me a message . When I got to the phone I learned that the class / orientation thing that I was supposed to go to tonight has been canceled , can I do it next Monday . No , I can 't do it next Monday , I said . Oh , said the voice , do you have any questions or can I help you with anything else ? When 's the next one ? I asked . Monday , said the voice . No , I said , I mean after that . Oh , said the voice , I don 't know . Then I suppose you can 't help me , I said . ' Bye . We hung up . I 'm still leaving at four today , though . I had to use vacation time because it wasn 't an appointment , it was a class . I 'm going to the movies , then . I 'm gonna see My Kid Could Paint That . It 's only here for a week and I didn 't know that it was local until yesterday . I hope is good . The Fiction Friday posts are going to a different for a little while . Instead of me rushing to write about a thousand words of a story I 'm going to post what I 've written for NaNoWriMo . I 'm not going to post the whole thing over and over again , I 'm just going to post the new stuff I wrote between Fridays . So , some may start in illogical places and all will probably end without logic . Just deal with it . This week 's is short because it 's just what I wrote all day yesterday and today here at work . This is the way Fiction Friday is going to go until1 . The first Friday after the 30th , which is the first , I think . 2 . I finish the 50 , 000 word and / or the novel . Or 3 . I decide to give up on NaNoWriMo . Day ZeroMarcus Gandbuth walked into the press room by himself and stood off to the side of the platform . He didn 't want to announce his presence just yet . He wanted to get a sense of the room before he let them know he was there . More or less , it was a normal Friday before a holiday crowd . About half the seats were filled with their usually reporters only halfway listening to what Dan had to say . And he had nothing to say . There were no big bombs to drop on them this week . No hostages . No attack . No overtime basketball games just ending . Beside , most of the reporters in the press room went over the video tapes that were made available afterward . The only reasons any reporters showed up anymore was in the hopes that they could catch Dan , and therefore the entire administration , off guard with a pointed question , but since the Vice President hadn 't been caught sucking geezer midget cock this week , Marc didn 't think anyone was going to even try . Besides , they all wanted to get on their Christmas break as soon as possible , too . Marc cleared his throat a little too loudly and stood there watching the reporters . The young guy in front did a double take and was the first to start staring . Slowly , the other people in the room turned to look at him , too . Then one camera , CNN , he thought , turned and then another and then another , like dominoBy 1 . Name one person who made you laugh last night ? Well , since I wasn 't with real people last night , I 'm gonna go with Allison Hannigan . The way she says , " A doodle . I do doodle . You , too - - you do doodle , too . " is comic mastery . 2 . What were you doing at 0800 ? Sitting at my desk , waiting for my computer too boot up . 3 . What were you doing 30 minutes ago ? Pretending to work , but really reading Jazz 's answers to these questions . 4 . What happened to you in 2006 ? I guess nothing really good or really bad because there aren 't many specific memories . It 's the first year that both of my brothers didn 't show up for Easter or Thanksgiving . The comic wasn 't finished and was hardly started . I lived in my apartment for a year . Not much else sticks out in my mind . 5 . What was the last thing you said out loud ? " There 's nothing we can do about that , but you can use this one . I think it 's still November first . " 6 . How many beverages did you have today ? Two . Milk and water before I left for work and water since then . 7 . What color is your hairbrush ? I don 't use a hair brush . I use a comb . I think it 's blue because I like blue , but I 'm not totally sure . 8 . What was the last thing you paid for ? Comics yesterday on the way to my apartment . 9 . Where were you last night ? In front of the TV and then in bed reading . 10 . What color is your front door ? I think it dark brown , but it may not be . 11 . Where do you keep your change ? I resist change . As for the money , I keep it in my pocket until I 'm at my apartment . At my apartment , I put it in a bowl that I made . After it sits in the bowl for a week or so I split the change and put the dimes into a cool bottle and the rest in what was supposed to be a candy jar that I got for Christmas years and years ago . 12 . What 's the weather like today ? High fog this morning . Patchy clouds the rest of the day . Pretty warm , even when the wind blows . 13 . What 's the best ice - cream flavor ? Homemade . Otherwise , it depends . I like the pumpkin flavor for a while , but tend to eat too much of it too fast and don 't want any . Same with pepBy |
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